# Am I being a mean wife?



## cindy1 (Sep 23, 2016)

My husband and I have been married almost 4 years now. When we first met he lost his job and he had an non-competitive agreement with his former company, he was not allowed to work in his field for 2 years, we took advantage of the situation and he was able to visit me as I was living overseas then. Now almost 4 years he has not being actively seeking or seeking employment at all, he's been doing freelancing and doesn't make much if any money at all, if he makes $500 for the month that would be a lot. I have been in the US for 3 1/2 years, been working but changing jobs trying to figure out what I like. I've have been stressed about his comfort level not wanting to find a full-time job and each time we try to talk about it he gets upset and try to blame me for making it look like he is not doing anything which is how I feel anyways. Prior to us being married he had savings which we had decided would use to buy a house but can't because of the market now, so that's how we been surviving plus me working with a income just to cover the expenses.

Am I being hard to want my husband to work? I might me upset and I hope and not resenting him as I found out a year after we got married that he doesn't want children when I had made it clear numerous times that I do. His idea of a family is just husband and wife when I think it includes children and I refuse to spend my life not trying to have children of my own. 

I would love for your feedback


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

cindy1 said:


> I've have been stressed about his comfort level not wanting to find a full-time job and each time we try to talk about it he gets upset and try to blame me for making it look like he is not doing anything which is how I feel anyways.
> 
> Am I being hard to want my husband to work? I might me upset and I hope and not resenting him as I found out a year after we got married that he doesn't want children when I had made it clear numerous times that I do. His idea of a family is just husband and wife when I think it includes children and I refuse to spend my life not trying to have children of my own.
> 
> I would love for your feedback


No, you're not being "mean". Having a partner that contributes equally, when they are able to, is very important to a relationship. Otherwise, you're just going to build up that resentment. The resentment may bleed into other areas of the marriage. Now that the 4 year non-competitor clock has run out, has he told you specifically why he doesn't want to go back to a regular full time job? 

The issue with the kids is HUGE. Did you two talk about having kids before you got married and he said that he wanted kids? Then he decided within 1 year that he didn't want kids? That's how I interpreted your post, so correct this if it's wrong. How old are you?


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Hello cindy1,

Your expectation from him to work full time / bring some money home is not at all wrong. However, there are few husbands who dont like to work and live with whatever they have in their life.

Always remember, lazy people will always find excuses but smart / hard working people will find a way out.

Because of financial crunch at your home, he might not feel a good time to have kids. Are you sure even in the later stage, he doesnt need kids ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here is a graphic representation of your marriage:-









Your husband









You









You again

It might be that he is too scared to look for a job, freelancing might be within his comfort zone.

He needs employment counselling to help him get himself sorted.

Did he lie to you about wanting children? 

If so, you might need to consider a divorce.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> No, you're not being "mean". Having a partner that contributes equally, when they are able to, is very important to a relationship. Otherwise, you're just going to build up that resentment. The resentment may bleed into other areas of the marriage. Now that the 4 year non-competitor clock has run out, has he told you specifically why he doesn't want to go back to a regular full time job?
> 
> 
> 
> The issue with the kids is HUGE. Did you two talk about having kids before you got married and he said that he wanted kids? Then he decided within 1 year that he didn't want kids? That's how I interpreted your post, so correct this if it's wrong. How old are you?




This is not a debate ... All i would like to say is, if he is not willing to work part / full time, make sure he become a home maker. 

Assuming that you have already discussed about he giving you lame excuses and bla bla bla for not getting a satisfactory job for him, be straight forward with him and tell him upfront that he NEED to be a home maker AND you need kids because thats what you both had discussed before marriage.

IF he is not ready for above two conditions, just be ready for plan B.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> How old are you?



I believe, here OP's age has got nothing to do actually because it is upto them to have decide whenever they need to have kids.



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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

IndianApple said:


> I believe, here OP's age has got nothing to do actually because it is upto them to have decide whenever they need to have kids.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Age is important. I was asking because if she's still young, then my advice would be to divorce and find someone that wants children. Forcing him to give her children is not the way to go.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

cindy1 said:


> I would love for your feedback


1) He's a BUM. A selfish one at that.

2) DUMP HIM, the BUM is using you for financial reasons.

3) You don't want kids with a BUM. He'll never pay child support.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Age is important. I was asking because if she's still young, then my advice would be to divorce




Even if she wouldnt have been young, she can get divorced to him if she really need it. So, discussing on her age is not mandatory.

I guess lets not advise her to draw a conclusion before she ask her about his decision for the last time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A man with the capacity to work SHOULD work. Period. Not sure why he thinks he doesn't need to! You have no children, both people should be working. 

Speaking of children. If you are 100% positive you want children, and are 100% positive he does not, you need to divorce him, and find someone who wants a family. "Accidentally" bringing children into an environment where one person does not want them would be cruel to the children.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well, you really don't need to have kids - you're already the proud parent of a man-child.

Too lazy to work like a grown up, wants *no* responsibility like having kids - which would mean he'd have to grow up and work and actually be responsible.

When someone brings absolutely NOTHING to the table like this man-child is doing, it's time to find a different table.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

cindy1 said:


> I found out a year after we got married that he doesn't want children


You should have discussed this candidly BEFORE getting married. It's no trivial matter.

Sounds to me like you jumped into marriage without talking about all the important things, just leaving them up to chance or whatever, and now you're like "But this is not what I wanted!"

Sorry but that's what happens when you don't plan things in advance.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

It is difficult to see what you are getting out of this marriage. Note, that if you are the primary breadwinner, how would children come to plan. I don't see him doing a lot of work.


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## cindy1 (Sep 23, 2016)

I did discussed having children before we got married, he was ok with it but wasn't being honest how he really feel. I told him I can't imagine my life not having children and its not something I would comprise on, he is now saying he is willing to have a child only because he knows our marriage will end. In fact, he think having a child with take away everything from the relationship and according to him he doesn't know how to be a dad or to love anyone else.

I am in no way want to have a child right now being that there is no stable job, but at least asking to work towards it, I am 32 and he is 50 so both of us don't have a lot of time on our hands. Maybe, he's comfortable with where his life is, he said that multiple times, maybe I should just come to the conclusion that love is not even, we have separate goals. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want us to be always in conflict as our paths are different. Replying to this message makes me realized that our path of life is just different and I just need to accept it,same way I would never want him to force me to give up on my dreams of being a mom, I feel like am forcing him to be a dad but he wasn't honest enough to tell me he didn't when we were dating. There are just too many different paths we both want to take...

How can you accept that sometimes divorce is your only option? I thought love was suppose to be enough?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well... Maybe the age question was pretty relevant. She's 32, he's 50. A 50 year old who is content not to work. I think he's retired early, and you are his social security that he started collecting early.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

32 vs 50 can be very problematic if your sex drives aren't compatible. If you have a child with him now and divorces him later on, it's a 50/50 split in child custody and you'd probably have to pay him alimony because he's unemployed.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Love is not enough, not by a long shot. You two have completely incompatible life goals and ambitions when you get down to it. You should divorce as soon as possible, neither one of you is going to be happy if you continue on the path you are on. The child issue alone is enough, that's not an area where a compromise is even tenable, in my view. The job thing, ugh. Carrying someone who feels utterly entitled, and bears no real responsibility financially, will get to you. It will become a wedge. There are millions of men who are more compatible with you out there, don't be afraid to let go of what seems increasingly to be a mistake. It's ok, lots of other people make them too!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

IndianApple said:


> Even if she wouldnt have been young, she can get divorced to him if she really need it. So, discussing on her age is not mandatory.
> 
> I guess lets not advise her to draw a conclusion before she ask her about his decision for the last time.
> 
> ...


Why don't you post your thoughts to the OP and let others post their thoughts without trying to direct the flow of dialogue.

OP, you two are at different stages in life. Your husband is fifty and will not have the energy to be a father to a child. He also is not ambitious enough to even get a job. Seriously consider how your life will be if you decide to continue in this marriage.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I would be resentful of that too, four years is a long time to sit on your butt doing nothing. If you both want to eventually buy a house he's going to have be in full time employment with a regular income that dates back a while, so unless he gets a job soon you won't be getting a house at all. 

The fact he doesn't want children and you do is massive, if you are both determined and neither of you are willing to compromise to meet the others needs then you need to call it quits. Don't stay with him if he doesn't eventually change his mind and want children because if you sacrifice ever becoming a mother for him you will only resent him even more and it will cause problems in later years. 

You deserve to be a mother and have this's children with someone who wants them just as much as you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cindy1 said:


> My husband and I have been married almost 4 years now. When we first met he lost his job and he had an non-competitive agreement with his former company, he was not allowed to work in his field for 2 years, we took advantage of the situation and he was able to visit me as I was living overseas then. Now almost 4 years he has not being actively seeking or seeking employment at all, he's been doing freelancing and doesn't make much if any money at all, if he makes $500 for the month that would be a lot. I have been in the US for 3 1/2 years, been working but changing jobs trying to figure out what I like. I've have been stressed about his comfort level not wanting to find a full-time job and each time we try to talk about it he gets upset and try to blame me for making it look like he is not doing anything which is how I feel anyways. Prior to us being married he had savings which we had decided would use to buy a house but can't because of the market now, so that's how we been surviving plus me working with a income just to cover the expenses.
> 
> Am I being hard to want my husband to work? I might me upset and I hope and not resenting him as I found out a year after we got married that he doesn't want children when I had made it clear numerous times that I do. His idea of a family is just husband and wife when I think it includes children and I refuse to spend my life not trying to have children of my own.
> 
> I would love for your feedback



You say that you were living in another country when you married. How did you meet him? How much of your relationship was long distance, over the internet?

I too would like to know both of your ages.

What type of work did your husband do? Is he still working in that industry? or doing that career field?

Are you 100% sure that he was working when you met him? Have you seen the contract with the no-compete clause?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IndianApple said:


> Even if she wouldnt have been young, she can get divorced to him if she really need it. So, discussing on her age is not mandatory.
> 
> I guess lets not advise her to draw a conclusion before she ask her about his decision for the last time.
> 
> ...


You well get along better here is you address the original poster and not try to tell other posters what they can and cannot post, ask and/or say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cindy1 said:


> I did discussed having children before we got married, he was ok with it but wasn't being honest how he really feel. I told him I can't imagine my life not having children and its not something I would comprise on, he is now saying he is willing to have a child only because he knows our marriage will end. In fact, he think having a child with take away everything from the relationship and according to him he doesn't know how to be a dad or to love anyone else.
> 
> I am in no way want to have a child right now being that there is no stable job, but at least asking to work towards it, I am 32 and he is 50 so both of us don't have a lot of time on our hands. Maybe, he's comfortable with where his life is, he said that multiple times, maybe I should just come to the conclusion that love is not even, we have separate goals. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want us to be always in conflict as our paths are different. Replying to this message makes me realized that our path of life is just different and I just need to accept it,same way I would never want him to force me to give up on my dreams of being a mom, I feel like am forcing him to be a dad but he wasn't honest enough to tell me he didn't when we were dating. There are just too many different paths we both want to take...
> 
> How can you accept that sometimes divorce is your only option? I thought love was suppose to be enough?


Now that we know our ages, its making a lot more sense.

Few 50 year olds would want to start a new family. He'd be in his 70s by the time the child(ren) finished high school.

At his age, it is also a lot harder to find work. though it's no excuse for him not working.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Manchester said:


> You should have discussed this candidly BEFORE getting married. It's no trivial matter.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We should not unnecesarily blame OP when she has alreay mentioned in her post that she had discussed with him about having kids. 

It would be better we dont assume things when we are not aware if the OP had taken a hasty decision to married him .


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well OP, you've got yourself a 50-year old man-child who has no problem letting his much younger bride take on the role of being his meal-ticket - and eventual wet nurse in his older years.

I'm getting the impression this was one of those 'mail order bride' situations as you're 20 years younger and were 'living overseas' before you got married. There's a *reason* he couldn't find local women his own age who were willing to date him - much less local women 20 years *younger* than him who were willing to give him the time of day. There's a reason for it and you're now finding that out.

It's pretty obvious why he doesn't want you to have a kid. He can't afford for YOU to stop working and supporting him if you have a kid so that would never do. And the alternative - HIM being stuck raising a baby while you go back to work to support him is equally distasteful for him.

I think you need to face the fact that you've been had by a 50 year old gigolo.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

A man who appeases you with a child is very different than a man *on fire* to have a child with you. 

The former will perhaps require IVF (given his age), leave you as the sole parent because likely he won't get involved since he wasn't excited for it to happen. That leaves you stressed & depressed, him resentful, and your poor child feeling unloved by and invisible to one parent. 

The latter gives you a meaningful life experience where you feel that you are both contributing to something wonderful, that you are both invested in. 

Be cautious about what you really want, for you and your future child. Choose wisely.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> A man who appeases you with a child is very different than a man *on fire* to have a child with you.
> 
> The former will perhaps require IVF (given his age), leave you as the sole parent because likely he won't get involved since he wasn't excited for it to happen.


I didn't want kids when my exwife did some 20 years or so ago.

Well it's not that I was opposed to the idea, I was ambivalent. I agreed because she wanted them. I wasn't all that involved with the pregnancy, I wasn't all that supportive, I just couldn't relate. Until my wife gave birth and I was looking at this little baby and it suddenly hit me that I was a dad. 

Everything changed after that and I was a caring, loving, doting father until they became teenagers and the sh!t hit the fan. 

Then we got divorced and now they don't talk to me but that's another matter entirely. It doesn't change the fact that I went from not caring about kids to being a huge part of their lives until they wanted nothing more to do with me.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Dear OP,

Could you please answer my following questions :-

- your husband is 50 years old so was he been divorced OR did he have kids from his previous wife ?

- Were you single before marrying him ?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Manchester said:


> I didn't want kids when my exwife did some 20 years or so ago.
> 
> Well it's not that I was opposed to the idea, I was ambivalent. I agreed because she wanted them. I wasn't all that involved with the pregnancy, I wasn't all that supportive, I just couldn't relate. Until my wife gave birth and I was looking at this little baby and it suddenly hit me that I was a dad.
> 
> ...


Manchester, that's a good point you make, and I'm glad you offered this perspective, but there's no guarantee that the OPs husband would feel the same. 

How old were you when you became a dad? Was it your first time being a dad? 

Lots of dissimilar factors I'm sure. 

I'm not saying he will definitely not be in the picture if they had children, I'm just saying that she should choose wisely. 

Personally, I would not want to feel I forced a man to have children with me,as if it were because he felt sorry for me or wanted to give me something just because I wanted it. I'd want him to genuinely desire to share that experience with me. 

Sometimes men just dont know whether they really want children until they have them. To me, that's a pretty big and long term emotional gamble and risk to take as a woman, but the OP has to do what she thinks is best.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

I was 30 when I became a Dad for the first time.


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