# Is this normal? What does it mean?



## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I tell my wife often how wonderful and beautiful she is. Is it normal for such attention to be outwardly shrugged off over time?

I commented on a public photo on a public social forum, I said "Beauty, perfect and pure"... she says back "Your too sweet". An old friend of hers from high school commented: "a doll" she says back "OMG !!!! Thank you so much !!! Do you know how much I miss you? LOVE YOU, Man.... !!!"...

Im like WTF?? now, im not saying she did anything wrong, he IS just a friend... but what exactly does it mean about how she feels about ME... not about him, ME.

Is this normal and I should not worry? Do I tell her too often that she is beautiful? If I back off, like has been suggested, she accuses me of not loving her anymore.


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

I'm wondering about this too. I'm constantly replied to with a "whatever" or "I'm just average".


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm not sure what is going on with that in your situation. It could be that she just takes you for granted. Or it could be that isn't her "love language". My husband used to tell me those things a lot. Now as I look back, I believe it was a little of both--taking the nice comments for granted and not my "love language". The "love language" idea comes from a book by Gary Chapman titled "The Five Love Languages". You might find it helpful. If words of affirmation aren't working on your wife, the book could help you figure out what makes her feel love.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I thought about that, the love language thing, Im very familiar with the book. I dismissed most of it to that until I saw her response to the old friend's comments. Why would the comments seem to matter more to her coming from him than from me?



827Aug said:


> I'm not sure what is going on with that in your situation. It could be that she just takes you for granted. Or it could be that isn't her "love language". My husband used to tell me those things a lot. Now as I look back, I believe it was a little of both--taking the nice comments for granted and not my "love language". The "love language" idea comes from a book by Gary Chapman titled "The Five Love Languages". You might find it helpful. If words of affirmation aren't working on your wife, the book could help you figure out what makes her feel love.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Hey Cone...she is used to you saying it but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to hear it....if you take it away she will think you don't feel like that anymore. Find other ways to show her.... she knows how you feel about how she looks...it is a bigger compliment coming from someone else b/c she doesn't hear it from them everyday and she takes it as truly a compliment. If you say it all the time she may feel like its a habit coming from you and not how you really feel. Try to find other ways or different compliments to give her...maybe instead of you are beautiful. Try something about who she is or her motherly ways with your children. Know what I mean? Catch her off guard with a special compliment and she will respond to you the same way she responded to that friend.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

cone said:


> I thought about that, the love language thing, Im very familiar with the book. I dismissed most of it to that until I saw her response to the old friend's comments. Why would the comments seem to matter more to her coming from him than from me?


I thought about that aspect too. That's why I wondered if her "love language" was something else. If it is one of the other love languages, I thought it would be worth a try to see the response. Trying something different sometimes spices things up.

As I reflect upon my own 22 year marriage which ended, I can honestly say we take too many things for granted. I have learned that lesson so well! Praise and words of affirmation aren't my love language. However, I believe those things still play a role in my self-esteem (& everyone else's for that matter). Therefore, when we have someone "outside of the box" say nice things, it seems to register differently. 

Are words of affirmation your love language? If it is, you could be more sensitive to this and could be putting more emphasis on it. That was my estranged husband's language. And because that was his, he assumed it was mine. Therefore, he put much emphasis on that.

Hope you get this figured out.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ahhh cone i feel for you. i know my H feels the same way. He tells me how pretty i am all the time. but you know, its just something about being in a steady relationship that changes things. 

i bet your wife just loves the attention from someone else. im the same way. if my H says something like that to me, its kind of like, 'thanks.' but if someone else says it, i dont know, its just different and more exciting. its more fun. 

i think it just means that your wife is really comfortable around you. she doesnt feel like she has to impress you anymore. 

I dont think its something to be terribly concerned about, other then she's really comfortable around you and mayb she needs to be put a little on edge. she needs things a little more exciting. a little more uncertain.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

827Aug said:


> Are words of affirmation your love language? If it is, you could be more sensitive to this and could be putting more emphasis on it. That was my estranged husband's language. And because that was his, he assumed it was mine. Therefore, he put much emphasis on that.


Yes, words is one of mine and I thought about that. That's why I'm on here getting opinions. 

Since hers is apparently not words, I assume she could do something like that and not even realize it hurt her husband to do it? 
If so, I understand that. I'm trying to figure out if I just don't matter anymore.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> I dont think its something to be terribly concerned about, other then she's really comfortable around you and mayb she needs to be put a little on edge. she needs things a little more exciting. a little more uncertain.


I think it is vitally important. If you want a fantastic marriage and not just a mediocre one, both partners need to demonstrate their love daily.

But as for putting her on edge... yes, I would be inclined to agree: No more Mr Door Mat.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I have read this suggestion many times now but how does one do that?

Maybe my wife is different?

I actually tried this last year as a result of another thread I started. Well, it was almost a disaster. I didn't just stop cold turkey, I tapered off some of the affection, etc. Nothing obvious or drastic. She didn't want me more! She figured I didn't love as much and was about ready to be done with it all.

It seems if she has to do ANYTHING to work on the relationship, she resents it.

If I see her slipping away, I do anything to prevent it, if she thinks I am slipping away, she seems to not care at all. 



MarkTwain said:


> I think it is vitally important. If you want a fantastic marriage and not just a mediocre one, both partners need to demonstrate their love daily.
> 
> But as for putting her on edge... yes, I would be inclined to agree: No more Mr Door Mat.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cone-

Is "letting her go" out of the question?

The difference between you and me is that I have a standard that I won't go below. If your wife knows she can get away with anything, she will do so.

Tell her point blank that you are fed up with her lack of demonstration of her love and desire for you. Of course if you are prepared to put up with whatever bone she throws at you, you can't really deliver that message with punch.

If you read this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/3010-20-years-august-married-18-years.html

Make sure to read at least my first two posts to get the full picture.

You will see that I thought my wife did not care that much for me at one point. What I did not take the time to explain in that thread was that when it hit me that I could have been "just anybody" I shouted and screamed and was on the verge of dropping her off. You have no idea how angry I was. A lot of it was anger at myself for being such an idiot for letting her treat me like that for many, many years. I felt a complete chump. But it took me that long to articulate my thoughts even to myself, let alone her. Needless to say she found ways to get over her mental block and be more demonstrative. By the same token, I became more nurturing of her.

You could say the cost of losing me was higher than the cost of being nicer to me. I'm not trying to make her out to be bad, it's just that I did not know how to get the best out of her. Things are fantastic now, but it still hurts to write this - but that's what the past does to you.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

It depends

Do I want to let her go? no, I love her more than life and want to be with her forever. 

If letting her go would make her happy? yes. 

She says she wants to be with me forever and says "please dont ever leave", etc.... but her actions seems to say different. very confusing. 



MarkTwain said:


> cone-
> 
> Is "letting her go" out of the question?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cone-
I edited the previous post and added a bit more by way of explanation! Have another look.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I read it all and your early relationship does sound allot like ours. judging by your "meter" we must be destined for a long marriage to! 

Anyway, my wife is very volatile and intolerant of ultimatums. If I were to tell her I am "fed up" with anything. She takes it as I am telling her she is not worth it, something is wrong with her, I am better than her, etc etc. 

She has been through allot in life and has many "ghosts"... another reason she doesn't take too well to this is she feels like it is a request for her to sacrifice her attention to her kids for me. She takes things that way whether it is the case or not. 

The "bone" she throws may very well be the end. I do not want it to end. 

I can do the things you suggest, but I think I must first appear more valuable in her eyes, that way, at that time, maybe losing me is something she will avoid at all costs. 

I must become stronger, less sensitive and less needy and then try this? would you agree?




MarkTwain said:


> cone-
> I edited the previous post and added a bit more by way of explanation! Have another look.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

cone said:


> Anyway, my wife is very volatile and intolerant of ultimatums. If I were to tell her I am "fed up" with anything. She takes it as I am telling her she is not worth it, something is wrong with her, I am better than her, etc etc.


heck ya im the same way. im volatile. its something my h and i are working on. he can never come to me with his complaints because i just get extremely emotional and fly off the handle. but our history is a little different then yours. 

In my opinion though i think at some point you have to stop using her as a sounding board and just find out who you are, and be that person. its sounds like you are trying to be who she wants, which she probably doesnt even know what she wants. thats a confusing game for both of you. she thinks she has control over you, which she does at this point, and your life becomes about making her happy. you are strung along and try to make her happy, enforcing her idea that you are there to make her happy. so when she's not happy, its your fault. 

at some point you have to just be yourself (if you even know who that is anymore) and let her make her own decisions.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> In my opinion though i think at some point you have to stop using her as a sounding board and just find out who you are, and be that person. its sounds like you are trying to be who she wants, which she probably doesnt even know what she wants. thats a confusing game for both of you. she thinks she has control over you, which she does at this point, and your life becomes about making her happy. you are strung along and try to make her happy, enforcing her idea that you are there to make her happy. so when she's not happy, its your fault.


Cone- 
Blanca has your number. Look at this:



Cone said:


> Do I want to let her go? no, I love her more than life and want to be with her forever.
> 
> If letting her go would make her happy? yes.


From this I get the message that you value her more highly than you value yourself. That would not be so bad in a fairytale world where she reciprocated and valued you more highly than she valued herself. However... in the real world, it never works like that.

*No one will value you more highly than you value yourself.*



Cone said:


> Anyway, my wife is very volatile and intolerant of ultimatums. If I were to tell her I am "fed up" with anything. She takes it as I am telling her she is not worth it, something is wrong with her, I am better than her, etc etc.


You lack the confidence to pull it off convincingly, becuase you don't think you're worth it. She ignores the words you use, and goes straight to the content.



Cone said:


> Maybe my wife is different?
> 
> I actually tried this last year as a result of another thread I started. Well, it was almost a disaster. I didn't just stop cold turkey, I tapered off some of the affection, etc. Nothing obvious or drastic. She didn't want me more! She figured I didn't love as much and was about ready to be done with it all.
> 
> ...


You did not pull this off correctly.
You need to stop fawning, but keep up the romance and the warmth. You need to look in the mirror and fall in love with yourself. Then when you feel your wife is not in love with you, you will be asking yourself WTF?

Bottom line:
If you are prepared to put up with anything, anything at all, then that is what you'll get. She is your mirror.

Decide on your line in the sand, and stick to it.

By the way, you misunderstood me when I mentioned her throwing you a bone. I meant that just when she sees you can't take her coldness any more, she throws you a bone to keep you interested, like better than normal sex for one or two nights etc.

She despises your lack of backbone. It's written all over you in this sentence:


Cone said:


> Maybe my wife is different?


You need to get a better understanding of your own nature. You're so bright and intelligent, you're making it more complicated than it really is.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Blanca and MarkTwain,

All I can say is every word seem to hit the mark. I have felt these things deep inside me and have known I need to make these corrections and actually have started the some of the process. Like being my own person, showing more backbone, etc etc etc. 

Thank you for all your words, they confirm these things I have been feeling and exploring. My application has been less than perfect, but I guess I need to keep working at it. 

I get very caught up in what she is thinking about me to where I lose focus. I come here to regain it. 

And yes, I understand what you mean now about throwing me a bone, that is what would make me confused, things seem to get better, then bam, no they aren't.... it was that process at work.


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