# My husband and his phone



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I realize this problem is trivial compared to a lot of the problems in other marraiges. But, we are constantly bickering about it, so I'd like to hear some outside opinions.

My H and I both work full time. Our children are in daycare. We split the duties of pick up/drop off and generally split all of the other household duties 50/50 as well. We have two kids, ages 2 and 3. On an average weekday, we spend maybe 3 hours with them. The routine is usually pick them up from daycare, get home and immediately eat dinner, about one hour of free play, and then bath and bedtime. The kids go to bed around 9:00pm. I usually stay up for another hour after they go to bed, and my H usually stays up for about an hour longer than I do. So keep in mind he is getting about 1 hour each night with me alone, and then another hour on top of that to himself to do whatever he wants. 

I often feel a bit of heartache that my children spend 80% of their day away from us. However, I have always been told by other working parents that you should focus on "quality time over quantity of time" when it comes to your kids. So, personally I find the three hours a day to be very important. It is important to me that we spend that time fully engaged with our kids and giving them our full attention. I understand this can be draining - I work in a very stressful job, managing a large staff, fast paced environment, under staffed, I am lucky if I get to stop to pee during my average work day. So yea, when I get home from work, I am tired and burned out and would really like to just sit on the couch and chill out for awhile. I can't though - because my kids are there and I want to spend time with them and make sure they feel that they are important to me.

H generally spends all of the downtime we have with the kids (time not actively engaged with a chore like eating dinner or giving a bath) sitting on the couch completely absorbed with his phone. Doesn't even look up from it. I spend my time either actively playing with the kids - a board game or whatever - reading to them - or doing a chore nearby but talking to them the whole time (like I might be folding laundry on the couch but having a conversation with them about their day at the same time). I get that H wants to unwind, but it irritates me to see him spend an hour plus on his phone without even being "present" in front of his children. It tears me up when one of the kids asks him so innocently "Daddy, look at what I made!" or something like that and he doesn't even HEAR them because he is so absorbed in his phone. Usually I am standing right beside him while this is happening so I yell at him to get his attention so he will look up and talk to his kids, but when I am in another room and can overhear what's going on, I often hear it go something like this:

Son: "Daddy, look at me!"
H:.........
Son: "Daddy! Look! Daddy! DAAAADDDDYYY!"
H:...........
Son: "Daddy?" (I can hear him jump on H's lap or something)
H:........."Get off me! What do you want?"

Ugh.

Anyway, I think you get the picture. I have talked to him many times about it and he just says "Yea, alright" and never changes. Sometimes I get angry and will point it out to him as it's happening...ask him to put his phone away...and he reacts in anger because I am nagging him. A lot of times he retreats to the bathroom too. Claims he has to go, takes his phone with him, and will sit in there for 45 mins to an hour. We all KNOW that it doesn't take 45 minutes to take a crap. If I call him on it, he will say "God, can't I go to the bathroom? You have to give me grief about that too?" 

I don't get it. I understand wanting to unwind - don't think I don't want to do it too when I get home from work - but you have at least 1-2 hours after the kids are in bed to do whatever you want, play on your phone then! (A lot of times he does...it's rare that we spend our one hour alone at night actually talking or connecting with each other. Usually I fall asleep watching a TV show on the couch and he sits on the other side of the couch absorbed in the phone.)

BTW, he is playing stupid games on his phone, like farmville and poker and words with friends. He isn't doing anything sinister because we share phones, and he lets me look over his shoulder while he's on his phone and has nothing to hide. I just dont think that you need to play video games in the evenings when you should be spending that time with your kids. 

I have considered actually hiding his phone or hiding the battery but I haven't done it, because I doubt he would get the point and would probably just get super mad at me. 

I also want to mention that he DOES help around the house quite a bit and does help with the kids when it comes to things like giving them a bath, getting them dressed, changing a diaper, etc. He isn't lazy or anything. I just wish he would spend more non-chore time with them, talking to them, playing with them, at least not sitting there making them feel like his phone is more important than they are. Am I unreasonable? 

Help?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, video gaming (and Internet clicking) are extremely habit forming. You get a reward in your brain for clicking, clicking, clicking. It's an escapist behavior.

Interactive games are the worst. That's because there's another person on the other end of the line. So the pings aren't from a computer, they're from a human being.

Many affairs do start with these games, often with (believe it or not) total strangers. Just so you know. If he ever becomes secretive with his phone, that is a huge red flag.

You are going to have to come up with some consequences to get him off the phone. He is going to need to put the phone down when he comes home and not look at it for a couple of hours at least. He is going to have to get a wake up to how important this is.

I would tell him you are setting up a session of marriage counseling and that if he doesn't come, you are going alone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Trying to get someone else to change when they don't want to is an exercise in insanity. You're going to have to come at this from a different direction and the first step is to detach. Trying to control him is having an adverse reaction as in he just takes it to the bathroom. Bottom line is he IS going to play with the phone despite how you feel about it (at least for now). So you have to decide what action will you take knowing at the moment you can't change this.

If it were me I'd detach and start building a life that left him and his phone alone. I'd wish him and his phone much happiness but I wouldn't sit and stew over it one minute longer. I'd do a version of the 180 and leave him out of plans. Not passive aggressively but in a healthy way.

Whatever you do you must stop nagging. That NEVER works. 

Oh I know you could read up on how people in say Al anon do it. Its essentially the same thing booze, video games, whats the difference? Learn to focus on YOU and not on him. Make sense?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I want to go in both directions in my response. 

First off, I think you're channeling that family time in a way that is *too* child-centered. There aren't any right or wrong answers here, but here are my thoughts/observations after raising my 3 daughters, one stepdaughter, with a teen still at home... 

Quantity time *is* quality time. It's not necessary to be your children's entertainment committee to have good time with them. In fact, doing so might actually be something you come to regret later, when they think the world revolves around them and you discover that they have trouble adjusting to people who don't let the sun rise and set on them. 

At the same time, your husband shouldn't be totally checked out, either. If nothing else, though, his current absence will help them see that they're not always the center of attention, a lesson that's easier to learn during childhood than it is later in life. 

Finally, you and your husband are their models for how adults should behave toward each other - particularly married couples. 

You're definitely overstepping your bounds and getting into power struggle territory when you try to dictate how he spends his time. If you continue to nag (and he's right... you are nagging) the problem will only get worse. When you nag about his phone, he takes it elsewhere. When you nag about elsewhere, what do you suppose will happen? You don't want him to decide to find peace and quiet by not coming home, do you? 

My suggestion is to put your MARRIAGE first and kids second. Take some time for yourself to relax when you get home. Spend time with your husband when you both get home and let your children play games or find other ways to occupy themselves for at least a little while - 20-30 minutes. Make it a point to listen to him, kiss him, hug on him, trade foot massages... whatever, but things you can both enjoy and that allow you to stay connected. Make one or maybe two days a week "Kid's nights" - time that you and hubby will devote to activities the kids like - games, hobbies, etc. I'm betting that he'll be more willing to participate with the family (and you) if he doesn't feel harangued about doing something he enjoys. 

For the record... My first husband and I had a similar problem. No cell phones back then, but he got home from work, went to nap, woke up and left for band practice until 11p. I got mad that he didn't spend more time at home and with the kids. As they grew older, after we'd separated, his behaviors never changed much. Instead of going home to nap, he'd hit the bar after work. He didn't even remember to wish his daughter a happy birthday or see her for two minutes on her birthday because he was slogging beer! Guess what? They feel closer to him than me. Why? Because they feel like they can do their own thing and just connect when they really want to get his attention, while I am more aware and involved (and judgmental) even when they want to figure things out on their own.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

How about trying to do something all together, a disstraction from the phone, but interative in another way. Perhaps ask that he takes every other day away from the phone, but on other day alllow it, and build on that.

I know when I got hooked on my games console at times I would lose time and in a world of my own and it was unhealthy for me and the family, so I reduced the time and number of days on it, look forward to when I do go on iit and appreciatee it, but not taking the mickey, and now I feel relaxed to take or leave it, but relaxed to know I can play without upsetting others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> You're going to have to come at this from a different direction and the first step is to detach.
> 
> Whatever you do you must stop nagging. That NEVER works.
> 
> Oh I know you could read up on how people in say Al anon do it. Its essentially the same thing booze, video games, ...


Good advice here. Being stuck to the phone is a compulsive behavior similar to inappropriate drinking, overeating, overspending or any other compulsive activity.

After you are able to detach and let you husband own his choices, I suggest that you speak to him in a direct, firm, loving and compassionate manner and let him know that his choices are creating a problem for your family and you are asking him to do something about it. He needs to be totally present and available for a specific amount of time each day as part of his fatherly responsibilities. You would like to see evidence of intent and demonstrable progress that he is going to do this. Leave it at that


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Trying to get someone else to change when they don't want to is an exercise in insanity. You're going to have to come at this from a different direction and the first step is to detach. Trying to control him is having an adverse reaction as in he just takes it to the bathroom. Bottom line is he IS going to play with the phone despite how you feel about it (at least for now). So you have to decide what action will you take knowing at the moment you can't change this.
> 
> If it were me I'd detach and start building a life that left him and his phone alone. I'd wish him and his phone much happiness but I wouldn't sit and stew over it one minute longer. I'd do a version of the 180 and leave him out of plans. Not passive aggressively but in a healthy way.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: completely. 

Start doing your activities with kids and intentionally leaving him out of the activity. Go in the other room and have fun with them, let him hear the laughter and joy from the room where he's not involved. If he comes into the room with his phone and starts looking at the phone the whole time again, move the kids to another spot in the house. Make it obvious to him you're trying to get away. Then once HE ASKS the question "Why do you keep moving away?" you have a window of opportunity to answer him:

"Because the kids deserve an engaged father, so if you're just going to sit on your phone the whole time and not engage anybody, especially them, then I'd rather them not know what they're missing at all so I'm keeping them out of your disengaged presence."

See if that one gets through to his big fat skull.


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## nachopenguin (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh, how I hate smartphones. My husband and I are the same way about them. All the stupid games, constant checking of facebook... our noses are buried in those little addictive glowing boxes that we sometimes neglect each other or our daughter and don't even realize it. Every so often we have "device free days," usually over a weekend, where we put down the phones and our laptops and don't pick them up except to return a phonecall or important text. No games, no internet. I love doing it, and I wish we would do it every day, but this technology is just so powerful and consuming.  Good luck!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree: completely.
> 
> Start doing your activities with kids and intentionally leaving him out of the activity. Go in the other room and have fun with them, let him hear the laughter and joy from the room where he's not involved. If he comes into the room with his phone and starts looking at the phone the whole time again, move the kids to another spot in the house. Make it obvious to him you're trying to get away. Then once HE ASKS the question "Why do you keep moving away?" you have a window of opportunity to answer him:
> 
> ...


Please DON'T do that! Your children deserve not to see their mom treat their dad in an insulting, controlling manner when in their eyes, he hasn't done anything wrong.

And your marriage deserves better, too, I hope!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Please DON'T do that! Your children deserve not to see their mom treat their dad in an insulting, controlling manner when in their eyes, he hasn't done anything wrong.
> 
> And your marriage deserves better, too, I hope!


If he were drinking excessively the kids would need to be removed from the situation wouldn't they? This guy is sending the message to his kids that the phone is more important than they are. This leads to low self esteem and creates doormats later in life. It's imperative that she fix this by yes absolutely standing up for herself in a healthy way. Self preservation though not controlling.

If he chooses the phone over his family then she has every right to not be a part of that. That is what she is teaching her kids.

By standing by and allowing it to continue she's said it's okay. By leaving she's saying it's not.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Thank you guys.

At large, do you think that it is ok to be a zombie to your phone when in front of your small children, or no? 

I really don't care that he plays these games - I just feel that there is a time and place for it, and during our small window of family time on the evening, that's not it.

He disconnects from not just them, but me as well. He isn't talking to me either. Truthfully that has never been mg main concern because I spend my whole day at work talking to people and sometimes just want to zone out when I get home too. But our kids are not observing any meaningful interaction between us.

If I get him out of the house, involved in an activity, he detaches from the phone while we are at our destination (but he will be on the thing during the entire drive there and back, I am usually the driver )

If I tried any of the tactics mentioned like confronting him, making a snide comment, making a deal that he can use it some days and not others - that is all perceived by him as nagging or controlling.

Also, I do agree that we should not be the sole entertainment for our children. However, they are at the age where they want to spend time with is, they want to play with us. I know that this time will be fleeting and so when they ask me to play a game or read to them, you better believe I will jump at the chance. I am not saying we cannot do something else when with our children like other house work or watch a tv show or whatever, but I think it os unfair for either of us to just completely tune them out and treat them as an annoyance if they are asking to spend time with us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

kag123 said:


> Thank you guys.
> 
> At large, do you think that it is ok to be a zombie to your phone when in front of your small children, or no?
> 
> ...


Sorry, that would aggravate the he!! out of me. We have toddler twins and my H is very engaged in their activities, however, he does go off and have his own space (in his shed) from time to time, but he is always willing to stop what he is doing to help/interact with the children. 

IMO, what your H is doing is selfish and inconsiderate to you and your children. He needs to put the damn phone down, and quite frankly, I would nag him until he does. I wouldn't give a crap whether he gets aggravated with me over the nagging. To me that is one of the most disrespectful things you can do... Sit on the phone playing games with your family sitting right in front of you, essentially begging for his time.

I don't know how you can stop him from doing it, but my first thought was to stop communicating with him all the way around, pull back, etc. You have asked him kindly to stop, you have nagged him, you have exhausted the nice ways to get him to stop... I think it's time to pull out the big guns here to let him know that you are serious.


Good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Have you ever said CLEARLY to your husband, "Every time you ignore (son)/(daughter), you are HURTING them. When (son)/(daughter) has to call you REPEATEDLY and jump in your lap to get your attention, you are TELLING THEM (without words) that THEY ARE NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU. You are telling them that playing on your phone is worth more to you than THEY are. Is that REALLY what you want to tell/show them."

If you have not, then say it to him PLAINLY.

If you have, what was his response?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

KathyB, PERFECT response. You just saved me ten minutes of typing


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Have you ever said CLEARLY to your husband, "Every time you ignore (son)/(daughter), you are HURTING them. When (son)/(daughter) has to call you REPEATEDLY and jump in your lap to get your attention, you are TELLING THEM (without words) that THEY ARE NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU. You are telling them that playing on your phone is worth more to you than THEY are. Is that REALLY what you want to tell/show them."
> 
> If you have not, then say it to him PLAINLY.
> 
> If you have, what was his response?


Yes I have tried this approach. It was met with a "Uggggghhhhhhhhhh...." (translation - you are nagging again) and a "Fine. I am putting the phone down. See? There. Its down. Are you happy now?" and a general sh!t attitude for the rest of the evening.

I think the truth is twofold -

1. He has no concept of time elapsing when on the phone. He will often say "you get mad at me for taking a ten minute break!" When in reality its been an hour or more. When I point that out he repeats response above.

2. He really doesn't get it. He has no idea that what he is doing is disrespectful because he's never been treated that way. He also believes that simply being physically present in the room counts as spending time with the kids. He does not even register what he is missing or what is going on outside of the phone when he's on it. The kids could be acting out Shakespeare or doing cartwheels and he would be oblivious. His ability to 100% tune out every single thing going on around him is astonishing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Now I feel like a total douche for making this thread. I have been sick with the flu/bronchitis or something and had a long day at work, was late getting home. Without having to say anything he took care of the kids all night, never touched his phone once, and was bringing me Meds and catering to me all night. I feel like a bad wife for complaining now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nachopenguin (Apr 27, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Now I feel like a total douche for making this thread. I have been sick with the flu/bronchitis or something and had a long day at work, was late getting home. Without having to say anything he took care of the kids all night, never touched his phone once, and was bringing me Meds and catering to me all night. I feel like a bad wife for complaining now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not a bad wife. We sometimes need to vent about the little things that are bothering us so they don't turn into big things. Sounds like you have a winner that just likes Angry Birds a little too much.

Has he tried playing the games with the kids? I have a 29 month old and she LOVES playing games with Daddy on his phone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Now I feel like a total douche for making this thread. I have been sick with the flu/bronchitis or something and had a long day at work, was late getting home. Without having to say anything he took care of the kids all night, never touched his phone once, and was bringing me Meds and catering to me all night. I feel like a bad wife for complaining now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Give him lots of praise and appreciation for this and it's all good.

FWIW frequently right after I complain about my husband he's nice. It's almost as if he can read my mind or something. LOL


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If it makes you feel better, my DH knew I was sick, but didn't realize HOW sick until i insisted I NEEDED to see the doctor, and if I couldn't get in, then the ER, I felt it was that bad. I had a very sore throat and couldn't swallow even water without it hurting. He kept insisting it wasn't that bad, as I went to the ER. Turned out I had strep throat. It was bad enough that they gave me a steroid immediately to reduce the swelling. I knew that's what it was, but needed confirmation. For the rest of the week, if I needed to rest, he took over EVERYTHING. And yes, I praised him for it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

kag123 said:


> Now I feel like a total douche for making this thread. I have been sick with the flu/bronchitis or something and had a long day at work, was late getting home. Without having to say anything he took care of the kids all night, never touched his phone once, and was bringing me Meds and catering to me all night. I feel like a bad wife for complaining now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe he is a better listener than he gets credit for. I would suggest that you work together and try to agree to set limits on phone usage. Either set aside a specific amount of time where the phone is prohibited or limit the total amount of time on the phone. Make sure you agree to be bound yourself to any agreement that binds him and consider giving something up yourself as a demonstration of your solidarity


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> If he were drinking excessively the kids would need to be removed from the situation wouldn't they? This guy is sending the message to his kids that the phone is more important than they are. This leads to low self esteem and creates doormats later in life. It's imperative that she fix this by yes absolutely standing up for herself in a healthy way. Self preservation though not controlling.
> 
> If he chooses the phone over his family then she has every right to not be a part of that. That is what she is teaching her kids.
> 
> By standing by and allowing it to continue she's said it's okay. By leaving she's saying it's not.


1. Not the same thing at all. I say this as a former drug and alcohol counselor, by the way. 

2. As a parent, you're free to demonstrate as much judgmental, critical, and controlling behavior as you see fit, and you can justify it with the kind of stuff you wrote here and above. However, you're teaching the kids, through example, how to become dissatisfied adults. That's at least as damaging as playing games on the phone. 

3. I didn't see indicators that his phone use is a compulsive behavior or a psychological addiction. It's a crutch, certainly, but it's a healthy way to "tune out" if the alternative is to grow increasingly frustrated with a wife who expects him to do things her way regarding the children's schedules, what activities are and aren't acceptable, and so on.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

KathyBatesel said:


> 1. Not the same thing at all. I say this as a former drug and alcohol counselor, by the way.
> 
> 2. As a parent, you're free to demonstrate as much judgmental, critical, and controlling behavior as you see fit, and you can justify it with the kind of stuff you wrote here and above. However, you're teaching the kids, through example, how to become dissatisfied adults. That's at least as damaging as playing games on the phone.
> 
> 3. I didn't see indicators that his phone use is a compulsive behavior or a psychological addiction. It's a crutch, certainly, but it's a healthy way to "tune out" if the alternative is to grow increasingly frustrated with a wife who expects him to do things her way regarding the children's schedules, what activities are and aren't acceptable, and so on.


His children need his time. He will have plenty of time to play on his phone when the children get older. Toddlers need and should have attention from their parents. It is unhealthy for a grown man to ignore his children in favor of a fvcking game on a phone. It's immature... He should be playing games with his kids.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cherry said:


> His children need his time. He will have plenty of time to play on his phone when the children get older. Toddlers need and should have attention from their parents. *It is unhealthy for a grown man to ignore his children in favor of a fvcking game on a phone*. It's immature... He should be playing games with his kids.


THIS! But it applies to any women who do the same thing.

And if it was a computer game, people would be ALL over it saying the gaming needs to stop and he needs to spend time with his family. But the phone is ok? That's a crock! The family needs time together, without one parent (or both in some cases) focusing more on the cell phone(s)!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Maricha75 said:


> THIS! But it applies to any women who do the same thing.


Ummm... Guilty . But it was TAM. I wasn't as bad as the OP's H... But it was pointed out that I was pretty absorbed for a few weeks and H asked me nicely to consider toning it down.. we negotiated my usuage so it wouldn't interfere with our time together and our enjoying our toddlers learning and growing. We are like the OP in that we have pretty much the same schedule and routine. She has almost toddler twins with the ages they are. It is challenging and the OP is involved with her babies activities and she's not asking much from her H, IMHO.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cherry said:


> *Ummm... Guilty .* But it was TAM. I wasn't as bad as the OP's H... But it was pointed out that I was pretty absorbed for a few weeks and H asked me nicely to consider toning it down.. we negotiated my usuage so it wouldn't interfere with our time together and our enjoying our toddlers learning and growing. We are like the OP in that we have pretty much the same schedule and routine. She has almost toddler twins with the ages they are. It is challenging and the OP is involved with her babies activities and she's not asking much from her H, IMHO.


*Counting invisible tiles on the ceiling* I have no idea what you mean by that.... :scratchhead:

JK. Hubby and I have talked about each of our excessive computer use. For 3+ years, we had been engrossed in a certain online game that will remain unmentioned (tho I have mentioned in other threads lol). The point is, we realized we were not spending real time together. We weren't spending quality time with the kids. Once we started reconnecting, the gaming just went out the window. No interest whatsoever. Not saying it won't come up at some point later, once we have our priorities completely rearranged as they should be. But for now, it's out. And that's the important thing... unplugging from everything else, and helping/spending time with the family.


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