# How do I learn to live with the emptiness?



## how_do_I (Oct 11, 2016)

Earlier this year, my husband started a new job after being unemployed for 6 months. He made some new friends at this new job. At first, I was happy, since he never saw his old friends any more. However, rather quickly, that blew up in my face.

My husband did not steadily stop spending time with me. He dropped me like a rock. He was staying late after work to hang with his friends and often spends his off days with them. He's a night owl; so, on his days off work, he sleeps until 3-6 pm. If he doesn't go out with his friends that night, he plays on his computer and tells me to leave him alone.

When I tried telling him that I felt neglected, he told me I was selfish and accused me of wanting him to completely drop his friends. Him hanging out with his friends wouldn't bother me if my existence still mattered. If he doesn't go out with his friends, he gives me the speech of "I've been working all week and want some time to myself", aka: video game time. I can understand wanting alone time; but, he'll drop everything and run to be with his friends. He'll sit and talk with them for hours and hours, like he used to do with me. Now, he says we (me and him) have nothing to talk about.

A few weeks ago, I started to think he was cheating. Basically, two nights in a row, he stayed with his friends until 3 am. Then, the third night, he was gone until 5 when he was supposed to only be gone for a few hours (he had left at 6pm). He wasn't answering his phone. So, sitting alone in bed at 3 am, I panicked. I had this thought that he was laying in some other woman's bed. How could I not come to that conclusion? So, I told him, if he wasn't happy, he should be honest, and that it was clear he was with someone else. He came home, annoyed at me, and claimed he was in the hospital comforting a friend whose mother had been admitted. He says to me, "she was threatening suicide, so I stayed."

For me... that hit close. I was suicidal when I first met him. He had brought me out of it and made me feel loved. However, since this started, I've started having suicidal thoughts again and even started cutting again. For him to say he was out with a friend to save them, while I'm in laying in bed contemplating how easy it is to reach under, grab his gun, and leave him a corpse to come home to...

He says he still loves me, but he can't see how close I am to killing myself. He insists he still wants to be with me, but he can't stand the sound of my voice or my hideous face. Just being around me isn't good enough. He only wants to spend time with me if it's at an expensive place we can't afford. He gets annoyed when I ask for his attention. Hell. He even flinches away from my touch, even though he has no problem grabbing at me whenever his heart desires.

For awhile now, it's been clear to me that he's replaced me in his heart. I don't know why he comes back anymore. It seems clear to me that he regrets marrying me and he wants a new life, with more freedom, and no ugly *****y hag in his bed.

I don't have anyone. All my friends moved away and my mother is emotionally abusive. He's all I have... If I can't learn to live with this emptiness, I'm afraid I won't make it to Christmas. I'm sure he's become this way because of me. But, then... at least, if I'm dead, he won't have any strings attached.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

how_do_I said:


> For me... that hit close. I was suicidal when I first met him. He had brought me out of it and made me feel loved. However, since this started, I've started having suicidal thoughts again and even started cutting again. For him to say he was out with a friend to save them, while I'm in laying in bed contemplating how easy it is to reach under, grab his gun, and leave him a corpse to come home to...


Don't do that! 

As tough as it sounds you are going to need to find happiness from within and try not to depend on those around you to brighten your day. Once you manage to do that, you can try and share your happiness with those around you, or just enjoy it all for yourself. 

As stupid and idiotic as this sounds, get yourself a guinea pig and name him/her something fun like this one here called Booboo Leiveheersbeestje:










Perhaps get more than one, or another pet. That way you've got a little someone to hold onto that will help you get through your day. Guinea pigs have a ferocious heart that will help you attack all those yucky feeling that sneak up on all of us. So run right now to get you one, and a bag of shredded carrots! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@how_do_I 

Please seek professional help. 

Lifeline

https://twitter.com/800273TALK?ref_src=twsrc^google|twcamp^serp|twgr^author

https://afsp.org/

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml

And we are here for you, all your new friends at TAM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's hard, I know.

I have some questions that will give us a better picture of your situation so that we can help you.

How long have you an your husband been together and married?

How old are the two of you?

Do you have any children? If so how many and how old are they?

Have you seen a doctor about your depression?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how_do_I,

I clicked 'like' on your post... no because I like that you are going through this, but because I'm hoping to get your attention.... that 'like' button sends you an email....


Please post and let us know that you are reading here. That's how to keep your thread active... by you posting and talking to us. 

Ele


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Don't do that!
> 
> As tough as it sounds you are going to need to find happiness from within and try not to depend on those around you to brighten your day. Once you manage to do that, you can try and share your happiness with those around you, or just enjoy it all for yourself.
> 
> ...


Does he have his own site? I think he should. 
@how_do_I @badsanta

It transpires that Booboo does have her own site!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm sorry to hear about how your are feeling. 
And how your mother has treated you in the past. 

Sending virtual hugs to you & flowers.    

You are not alone and your feelings of neglect from your husband is completely understandable. 
You are too kind for him, he probably doesn't even realise the extent of his selfishness towards you. 
It was very inconsiderate of him to comfort his friends mother but not to acknowledge your own. 

You are a beautiful person who deserves better than this. 

It's hard to shake off those feelings, I know exactly what you are talking about & I have been there, weathered the storms and come out to beautiful sunshine. 
I believe that you can be happy too, know that you have people that care even though you may not think that. 





Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Does he have his own site? I think he should.
> @how_do_I @badsanta
> 
> It transpires that Booboo does have her own site!


*If you search the name, there is some kind of trend on the web.* They are rather marvelous creatures! 










Not only do they help save people in need of some therapy, but guinea pigs also have helps saved countless lives in the name of science as well. We should all stop and give some thanks to these sometimes under appreciated little guys!

Badsanta


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

how_do_I said:


> Earlier this year, my husband started a new job after being unemployed for 6 months. He made some new friends at this new job. At first, I was happy, since he never saw his old friends any more. However, rather quickly, that blew up in my face.
> 
> My husband did not steadily stop spending time with me. He dropped me like a rock. He was staying late after work to hang with his friends and often spends his off days with them. He's a night owl; so, on his days off work, he sleeps until 3-6 pm. If he doesn't go out with his friends that night, he plays on his computer and tells me to leave him alone.
> 
> ...


Has he actually TOLD you these things I bolded above? Or is this you projecting and assuming how he feels? 

You need to get help. No man is worth ending your life over, don't give another person that much power. Your happiness or contentment needs to come from yourself, not other people in your life assigning you value. (which they don't, that is YOU doing that) Please reach out to someone.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

badsanta said:


> As stupid and idiotic as this sounds, get yourself a guinea pig and name him/her something fun like this one here called Booboo Leiveheersbeestje:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> *If you search the name, there is some kind of trend on the web.* They are rather marvelous creatures!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Animal therapy is one example of a great way to treat depression. 
The unconditional love and support they give is amazing. 
Helped me tremendously. 
Cats and dogs are pretty great too. 
Horses too but they tend to fart a lot! Phew! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how_do_I,

Here is a link and phone number to a suicide prevention lifeline and their phone number.

*Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK 
*

Please call them and talk to them.

You can post here too of course. 

I asked you some questions. Would you mind answering them?

.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

this is a terrible thing, but some of us have been where you are, so keep posting.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

If you haven't yet, please talk to your doctor about depression. 

It's never good to be isolated from others and have to solely rely on your spouse for company. Do you work? If so, reach out to a female co-worker and invite them to lunch. How about a cousin that you grew up with? Try reconnecting with them. Try to develop some friendships with others outside of your marriage.


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## how_do_I (Oct 11, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

To answer EleGirl's questions...

*"How long have you an your husband been together and married?"*
A couple years.

*"How old are the two of you?"*
Mid twenties.

*"Do you have any children? If so how many and how old are they?"*
No. We don't have children. I don't want to have children and am not suitable for motherhood.

*"Have you seen a doctor about your depression?"*
I've never mentioned it to my general care physician. My insurance doesn't cover therapy sessions. I can't afford hundreds of collars for a single hour visit. I've gone to therapy in the past and it was a huge waste of time and money. It's possible I simply got a bad therapist. But, he was terrible.

~ ~

To answer 3Xnocharm's question... "Has he actually TOLD you these things I bolded above? Or is this you projecting and assuming how he feels?"

He tells me he still loves me, when I suggest the possibility that he doesn't. He doesn't say it on his own. He does insist he still wants to be with me, though his actions suggest otherwise. He has this attitude that, regardless of what he does, if he says something, I should just shut up and believe him. I've tried telling him his actions contradict, but that just goes over his head.

My comments about myself are not his words. I consider myself an ugly person. Always have been. He does complain about my nagging - which, I can't deny I nag since me trying to talk about what's bothering me in our relationship is interpreted as such...

~ ~

Once again, thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

It's amazing what happens to people over time, isn't it?

If you read my story it's not very dissimilar to yours although I started my story after my divorce but it was basically the same thing and there was cheating on her part.

But my point being this: If you read other threads you will find at least one where an engagement has just been announced and they are so excited and happy and looking forward to the future together. Everybody does when they get engaged and gets married. I'm sure you did too. He was loving, affectionate, you did all these things together, nothing else mattered but the two of you and the "never ending love".

Now look. 5-10-20 years later and he's gone most of the time, probably cheating and has no interest in you.

This story will repeat. Infinitely. As long as people still get married and expect things will be different for them than all the other crash and burns.

Know that you aren't alone. At least as far as your situation goes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@how_do_I Hopefully this link about low cost or free therapy might be of help to you:-

Mental Health Resources: 81 Awesome Resources When You Can?t Afford a Therapist | Greatist


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

how_do_I said:


> Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
> 
> To answer EleGirl's questions...
> 
> ...



White knight syndrome? Please look that up if his statement about his friend's mother being admitted is true. He may have found someone else to replace you, someone he can save and feel value and boost his ego. Notice a lot of his actions and statement is egotistical. Brushing you off, making himself superior, minimizing you.

Please find value within yourself and not based on someone that knows of yout past and treats you like he does. If he were really a great guy, would he be acting this way. What he does and says makes no sense to you because they are conflicting. How is him neglecting you and what he says even remotely congruent with one another.

If you want self-respect and to be happy, you need first to be happy with yourself. 

So, if he is telling you that he cares but then neglects you, there is conflict in those two facts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how_do_I said:


> Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
> 
> To answer EleGirl's questions...
> 
> ...


So you were suicidale 2 years ago and he helped you through that. It sounds like he might have a KISA complex .. KISA = knight in shinning armore. That’s where a guy is always looking for a damsel in distress to save. 

Of course his story to you that he was with someone in the hospital could just be a big lie.


how_do_I said:


> *"How old are the two of you?"*
> Mid twenties.
> 
> 
> ...


How often do you ‘nag’? Do you ‘nag’ about things other than him not spending time with you? If so, what else do you nag about?

There is a book that I think will help you: “Divorce Busting”. Pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment and the 180. The ‘180’ means to behave exactly the opposite of how he expects you to behave. 

You need to start doing a 180… this is for yourself. And it just might get his attention. Stop ‘nagging’. If you need to ‘nag’/rant, do it here to get it out of your system.

Part of what is going on is that your ‘nagging’ makes it look like you are begging and pleading for his attention. That’s unattractive.

Start acting like you are happy and busy, too busy to spend time with him. Get busy.

Do you have a job? If so how many hours a week do you work?

It sounds like you need to make some friends. Go to the website meetup.com It’s a site where people start groups to do things. Look at what’s going on in your area and start going to groups. You can meet people that way.

For example, right now I’m in a walking group that walks early every morning... In the last few months I’ve made some good friends there. I’m also in groups for crochet & kitting, and a gardening group. I’m going on an overnight trip a fall festival soon with a photography group. I retired in January and am meeting all kinds of new people. 

Stop sitting around and waiting for him. Maybe he needs to see what it’s like to sit around and wait for you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

how_do_I said:


> I don't want to have children and am not suitable for motherhood.
> 
> I consider myself an ugly person. Always have been.


How about instead of saying those things, you rephrase them a little in a way that still helps reflect how you feel, but changes the way you move forwards in life. Here is one example:



> Right now I do not feel it is the best time for me to have children, but that could change one day.
> 
> I consider myself a challenging person to love, my imperfections are still teaching me how to be strong and courageous.


A lot of things in life are all about perspective. I strongly believe that the purpose of life is a "gift." And as with any gift, like some thick wool socks you might get from your grandma, sometimes you don't like this gift at first. But as you grow older you learn to look back and appreciate the idea that perhaps your grandma got you those wool socks because for her the sight of you playing joyfully in the snow was one of those moments she wanted to last forever! Gifts are simply meant to be enjoyed, but how you will enjoy them may not always be obvious!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

No one is ever worth your life . No matter what . Unless you are saving another life worth saving . 

Be strong . You may realise in future that you had wasted time feeling pain here


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

how_do_I said:


> If I can't learn to live with this emptiness, I'm afraid


Don't be. I love being alone. It's like a warm blanket to me. The problem here is you are dependent on HIM for YOUR happiness.

Happiness comes from with in. Take some time to look inside yourself. ASK yourself. "What makes *me* happy?" "What do *I* love?"

Sounds simple right? SO MANY people have NO fvcking idea. They just drift through life LOST. Dependent on material things and people.

Do some SOUL searching. Your husband is broken too. He escapes into video game fantasy land. You will never find happiness there.

Stop looking outside. Look inside yourself.


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