# How do i get intimacy back into my marriage after separation



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

hi everyone,

after lurking here for a long while i have finally worked out enough courage to post here because i really would love to have your advice and suggestions about my relationship.

My hubby and i have separated for about 9 months now, he walked out on me because he was unhappy and was dealing with depression. Without going into too much details we just recently agree to work on our marriage again.

What i want to know is how do we get that connection back and how do we bring intimacy back into our marriage?

We are still living in a separate home for now and i have not asked for him to come home yet as i dont want to get rejected again and he has not mentioned about coming home either....i dont want to pressure him into coming home as it has taken him this long to come to the point that he is willing to try again.

The only thing that were discussed was that we are going to go to a marriage counselling to try and figure out what do we do now (which we have been going to for about 3 weeks now and its going well).

We are both have the same fear about going into this and "what if a few years from now we have to go thru this painful thing again?"

We have 2 kids, one 7 year old girl and 18 months old boy.
I think the reason why he wants to give this another go is because of the kids, but i dont want him to come back just because of the kids....i want him to come back for me as well.

In our first marriage counselling session he said to our consellor that he is open to work on our marriage again but he is not sure if he loves me or not. This comment hurts me as i never stop loving him eventho i admit to having neglected our relationship for a few years now because the kids take up so much of my time.

He has never been a touchy feely person and im the kind of person who needs physical touches and affection to feel loved.

So now that we are at this new beginning in our relationship i want us to have a fresh start and build a better and happier marriage together but im kind of lost and wondering as to what to do....how do we build that connection again and how to we get the intimacy back into our relationship?

any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated....specially for those of you who has been in our situation and recovering from a separation, how do you make it into a stronger marriage? 

thanks in advice for willing to read this and giving your advice or suggestions


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thank you for the courage to post. You might be able to help those of us in early days of seperation. Your story sounds similiar to mine. My W walked away 5 weeks ago. Like you my number one love language is touch. I will be interested to hear some of the responses to your question, but also interested to hear from you how 9 months went for you. 

I have learned it does get easier but the uncertainty and limbo life is not fun.

I wish you well!


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

hi This is me, it has been a long journey for me to get here...for the first few months after he walked out it was hell on earth, i went thru all sort of emotional stages and went thru all the stages of grieving for the lost of my relationship.

he told me the day after valentine's day about his unhappiness in our marriage for the past few years, and he left our house early March this year.

We have been together for 16 years and married for 8 years, i have to put up a strong front for the kids although admittedly there were times when i broke down and my lil girl saw me crying and i felt very hopeless and lost.

My husband has always been my rock so it felt like the rug had been pulled from under me and i have lost everything i know.

The one thing that has gotten me through the hard time was my faith in God and i have a renewed relationship with Him now.

At the early stage of separation i have asked accused him of being selfish and i asked him to consider about the kids and i tried everything to make him see how he is hurting everyone around him but he could not see it at all....he couldn't see the good times we had (its like the memory has been erased from his mind) and he can only focus about him and how he was feeling at the time.

I have learned the hard way that we cannot make people feel a certain way about us, we cannot make them love us and we don't have any control over their feelings or behaviours.

A turning point for me was on the first day of spring which was 1st september this year.....I decided enough is enough and i was finally ready for a fresh start, i've realised that ive been going around the same mountain over and over again and its time for me to grow up and move on.

So I have to surrender everything to God and when i finally realised this i back off completely and gave him the time and space he needed. 

I prayed everyday and thanking God for everything that is still good in my life, i still have my health, my beautiful kids, a job to go to, and i thank Him for every blessing he gave me each and every day. I also started thanking God that He is fighting my battles for me, thanking Him for giving me strength for every battle and that i know He will bring me thru this and I will be victorious in the end. 

I know that God doesn't like divorce and if He put me in this situation there must be a reason why im here, as every adversity makes me grow to another level of His grace. I keep telling myself that it was His goodness that brought us together in the first place and i truly believe that it will be His goodness that will restore our marriage.

I also believe that God's plan for me is for good so if for any reason my husband is not meant to come back to me then i believe God have someone else better to come into my life and that i will find happiness again. 

Surrendering everything to God with a strong believe that He will work all things for me gives me incredible peace to go thru life one day at a time....i can only say that His words gets me through the tough days and each day he gave me enough grace to go thru it with a good attitude and patience.

I also spend time to work on myself and i started looking after myself better and i think he can see that im looking better with a better attitude which is probably contributed to his decision to give our marriage another go (although i cannot say this for sure as im only guessing from his change of attitude towards me).

I had problems with controlling behavour and lack of patience, so i know i have been put into this situation so i can work on my weaknesses and i hope to come out better off than before this happened. I believe God has planned for a brighter future for me so i will not let my past dictate my future. I have vowed that i will pass this test and i believe that God will guide me and lead me to my victory and i will be a stronger and better woman in the end.

Im not where i want to be yet, but im a hell of a lot better than where i was when i first started 

For those of you in limbo and just going thru the early stages of separation i cannot stress our the importance of patience and to not give up hope. 

The loneliness is the hardest part, but keep hoping and keep believing, and I know that in due time my miracle will come, and at this stage im believeing for a Christmas miracle 

Now if you managed to get thru all that essay lol....please let me know if you have any suggestion about how to approach my hubby regarding getting our intimacy back.

Things are a bit awkward after being apart for 9 months and i need some tips about how to bridge that awkwardness and to start building connection and intimacy again.....any advice or suggestions are welcome, im all ears


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Hi, I think one of the good things to do to get that spark back is to go back in time when you first met and what made you get so close. Spend some time together go out like a new couple on a date. Leave the kids with family members if possible. Seperation is hard but its good to that you are both willing to work on it some people just give up all hope on getting back together. Some men do feel neglected when having kids but thats because they don't have that feeling like us mothers do its not their fault its just the way it is, we're more protective of our children because we have them inside us for 9 months so its natural to feel the way we do. Try not to talk about the past talk about the future so that he knws that your doing this for now and your future good luck.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thank you for sharing your story DU. I wondered if you were from Australia with your name and when you said Spring in September, it pretty much confirmed it. 

There is so many points you made that I can relate too including the Valentines weekend, which is when I first heard the D word. 9 months later she up and left without much notice or clue she was going to do that. Like you mentioned, she has said she finds me controlling which can be a misunderstanding when you are a structured person, which I admit to being.

I appreciate your advice on the word Patience. This is something i keep having to remind myself to be. Since we never had children there is nothing really holding us together, but for me the 17 years plus of marriage and memories is something I would hate to let go without a fight.

I am trying to give her space and time. At the same time I am working on myself to be a better man for her or maybe someone else in my future. Additude is key which make us more positive and attractive to others.

I can't speak for all guys, but my advice would be to speak direct. Although we seem to be more alike and our spouses more alike, I think men in general prefer honest simple and direct questions about where things are going. IMO.

All the best to you!


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## Little_Treasure (Feb 10, 2013)

We were together for 16 years and married for 8. We never really talked about our issues until one week ago. He decided that he had enough and he cannot live in a marriage without intimacy. Today I heard the D word, I am devastated. 

He said that it's too late to revive the intimacy or find the passion. Is that true? Were we being too polite for the last 8 years? I can't accept it and I don't think it's fair to me for hanging on to the marriage while he can just decide to walk away in an instance. I just don't know how I can continue to survive...


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## JH Wellson (Apr 26, 2017)

Thanks to Lord Henry of Permanent Spell Cast www.permanentspellcaster.com for helping me restore my broken marriage. I never thought i could get my husband back after our 8 months of divorce, but the powers of Lord Henry proved my thoughts wrong by getting my husband back to me just within 3 days. For the months my husband left me, i hardly coped because i loved him so much though i really didn't knew what happened that he left home and filed for divorce after 3 years of our marriage. I emailed to Lord Henry on [email protected] and WhatsApp on +2348100663964 for help regarding the divorce and he helped me with his powerful love spell that brought my husband back home to me. Thanks Lord Henry and i love you for the good works you have done for me and my kids.|
God bless you so much...


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