# Help!!!!



## xyz123 (Apr 19, 2010)

Hi i'm currently going through a seperation and would like some advice:

How do you move one when everything you know is with them?

I'll start from the beginning - I have been with my husband since I was 16 and i'm now 30. When we first started dating he was jealous all the time, he didn't like me going out with my friends or having any type of life that didn't include him. Because I loved him i sacrificed all my friends and slowly but surely he became my only friend. I never once complained because it was making both him and me happy. Our life was wonderful (or so I thought) then 14 years down the line he dumps me and takes everything including all the friends we had made together becasue he says he's lost himself and can't find himself again with me around.

Please someone tell me how on earth I am to move on when I have no friends to speak off? Let alone deal with being told "it's not you, it's me" "i'm sorry I don't love you anymore"

Any help and advice from anyone who has been in my shoes would be grately received.

Thanks in advance x


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

I'm sorry that you are in this situation and I know it can't be easy. It's time to make some friends of your own and start doing what's best for you and find out what makes you happy in life. Try to go out and have fune, start a new hobby, or make freinds with someone in your neighborhood. Doing this will also help keep your mind off your ex. Hope this helps a little. Hang in there.


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## xyz123 (Apr 19, 2010)

Thank you Del88 but its easier said than done. It's only been 3 weeks and i'm still hoping for him to say "i've been stupid I want you back" even though he keeps telling me theres no chance of that. Why can he just throw away 14 years just like that? I have so many questions and he can't answer any of them - don't I deserve some answers or do i just have to except it and moe on?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Oh you deserve it but you won't get it.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I feel your pain x, my husband is doing the same thing to me right now. He has it in his mind that he's missing out on something so he's going to dump me after 10 years, and walk out on our 2 kids. The only answers I can get from him are that "just can't be my husband right now". Or the best one from last night "I just can't help but think that there's more than this". This being our life together. I am so hurt and confused and scared and feel like I'm going to die. I don't have any answers for you, I'm sorry. But you aren't alone.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

xyz123,

I am so sorry to read what your going through.. Like yourself I was with my wife for a very long time 16 years to be exact when I heard almost the same words come from her.. Its hard, it hurts and your confused.. All understandable given the situation, You must believe him when he says its not you.. Chances are he is right, look for the signs of someone else in the picture, I know you might not think there is but most of the time there is.. I too denied that my wife could do that after so many good years together, but she did. there was someone all along, everyone told me there was but I defended her like when we were together... Just look and you'll be surprised and what you can really see..

As for moving on, you can do just that and end up happier, I have, I lost most of my posessions in my divorce, I gave her the house for my girls to live in until they finish school, gave up just about all the memories of our life together, I often doubted I would even be able to afford another house, But I did, I just bought a new townhouse thats all mine, no memories to speak of with her and I found myself again. The man that I was before we met.. I to lacked many close friends but I went out and made new ones, I took dance classes, I exercised and did whatever I could to keep my mind off the situation, I shopped, not to buy stuff for the most part but to interact with people.. It will be hard but it will be worth it in the end, Live for you and your kids now... Let him go, he has made his choice and you weren't important enough to him to try and make it work....Thats ok.. oneday you will find a man that will make you his world......until then its all you baby...  take care of the kids and force a smile if you have to... soon enough the smile will come naturally........ Best of luck xyz123.. I will keep you in my prayers..........

Skin........


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## xyz123 (Apr 19, 2010)

cantletgo said:


> I feel your pain x, my husband is doing the same thing to me right now. He has it in his mind that he's missing out on something so he's going to dump me after 10 years, and walk out on our 2 kids. The only answers I can get from him are that "just can't be my husband right now". Or the best one from last night "I just can't help but think that there's more than this". This being our life together. I am so hurt and confused and scared and feel like I'm going to die. I don't have any answers for you, I'm sorry. But you aren't alone.


Hurt, Confused, Scared and feeling like you want to die is exactly how im feeling almost word for word. What their doing to us is so cruel. My mother in law keeps telling me that if space is what he needs then give it to him and hopefully he will begin to realise that the grass isn't always greener on the otherside after all we have spent half of our lifes together.
She forgave her husband after he left to be with another woman and they became stronger than ever so I feel she might be a little clouded. I'm just finding it so hard


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## xyz123 (Apr 19, 2010)

skinman said:


> xyz123,
> 
> I am so sorry to read what your going through.. Like yourself I was with my wife for a very long time 16 years to be exact when I heard almost the same words come from her.. Its hard, it hurts and your confused.. All understandable given the situation, You must believe him when he says its not you.. Chances are he is right, look for the signs of someone else in the picture, I know you might not think there is but most of the time there is.. I too denied that my wife could do that after so many good years together, but she did. there was someone all along, everyone told me there was but I defended her like when we were together... Just look and you'll be surprised and what you can really see..
> 
> ...


Thank you x x You were exactly right. It's been 4 weeks and he's now told me he wants to date a girl from his work that he has been "speaking" too for a while. It's just blow after blow after blow. I don't know how to go on?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

xyz123 said:


> Thank you x x You were exactly right. It's been 4 weeks and he's now told me he wants to date a girl from his work that he has been "speaking" too for a while. It's just blow after blow after blow. I don't know how to go on?


You can do it X.. that right there is reason enough to kill the love you still feel for your husband.. Believe me from experience, the longer you hold out the hope more it hurts and harder it becomes... You can go on and You will go on..:smthumbup: It wont be easy but you can do it.... Have faith, pray for strength and guidance and eventually you will see the light !! that I promise you... Best wishes X...


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## xyz123 (Apr 19, 2010)

skinman said:


> You can do it X.. that right there is reason enough to kill the love you still feel for your husband.. Believe me from experience, the longer you hold out the hope more it hurts and harder it becomes... You can go on and You will go on..:smthumbup: It wont be easy but you can do it.... Have faith, pray for strength and guidance and eventually you will see the light !! that I promise you... Best wishes X...


Thank you Skinman your words are kind x


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Your welcome X.. glad I could help out anyway I can... drop a line if you need an ear.......


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

We all are here for each other, 

Since we are going through the same, or have been in the same situation you are, we feel you. Although our situations may be different, let me give you some tips. The way I have been able to survive all this time is through exercise of body and mind. I have been going to the gym, but more than that I have exercised my mind. I have been going to my local bookstore when I feel lonely, bought a cup of tea and stayed there for hours reading self-help books; you learn, but at the same time you are with people even if you don't know them, your are not alone and you feel better as time goes by because you are learning and keeping your mind occupied.

I know it's hard the first weeks, believe me I have been there and sometimes I still feel it but little by little the sun will start to shine. It has started for me, we all have suffered the roller-coaster of feelings, I still do some days I am up some down, even in the same day but the point is to occupy your mind. 

Go to counseling, rely on your family or few friends, they are there for you and just talking will make a world of difference. The only way you can get passed this is to let everything out, keep a journal, in those moments that you feel that you are going to explode write it, write as much as you can and keep it for yourself. 

I wish you the best, I cannot say to move on or to stay because that's your choice. We all make mistakes in our lives and it's only up to your husband to decide what he wants to do. Say to yourself "I accept the fact that nothing I do or say will change my husband's opinion up to this point" if you love him just let time take it's course but focus on yourself rather than on him, it's hard but try little by little.

If you need ears to listen to you just keep on writing, this is what support groups are for. 

Let's hang in there because we all here are hurting and I hope the best for you all


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## xyz123 (Apr 19, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> We all are here for each other,
> 
> Since we are going through the same, or have been in the same situation you are, we feel you. Although our situations may be different, let me give you some tips. The way I have been able to survive all this time is through exercise of body and mind. I have been going to the gym, but more than that I have exercised my mind. I have been going to my local bookstore when I feel lonely, bought a cup of tea and stayed there for hours reading self-help books; you learn, but at the same time you are with people even if you don't know them, your are not alone and you feel better as time goes by because you are learning and keeping your mind occupied.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for you kind and helpful words. You are right talking about it does help x
I should be moving in to my own place in about 4 weeks. I will need you all to talk to becasue I know its going to be hard x
Thank you x x


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