# Post infidelity - sex with WW



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Background:
Married 16 yrs, 3 kids under 12. WW had EA w/OM#1 & ONS w/OM#2. We are 2 months past d-day of ONS. NC with both OMs. We are in MC and IC. I'm a recovering "Nice Guy".

WW has finally "recommitted" to the marriage but is having an extremely difficult time with sex. For years, she didn't think sex was important to our M. I settled for bad, unemotional sex. Now, she resents me for "forcing" her to have sex even if she wasn't interested. While she never said no, I should have "known" by her body language that she didn't want it. Obviously, this revelation has been devastating for me as I've always put her first in everything (again, a Nice Guy).

Her resentment has built up to the point where she doesn't want to have sex at all. However, she knows that if we don't, the M is over. 

How should I proceed?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stick to your guns here. She is trying to come back to the marriage with you as the nice guy who will accept a half marriage.

Sex is part of marriage. That part isn't open for debate with her.

Now, if she needs to deal with feelings and emotions, ok how does she plan on tackling that. They are her feelings she owns the responsibility for working through them if she truly wants to be in the marriage with you. Stopping sex as a away of dealing with the feelings isnt actually dealing, it's avoiding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

She also needs to stop rewriting your marriage history to suit her recent history. If she had a problem with you 'forcing' her to have sex, she should have said something years ago. She needs to talk about issues here and now and move forward.

As Shaggy said, sex is part of marraige. She ought to be thankful you didn't kick her to the curb already. 

Good luck!


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Stick to your guns here. She is trying to come back to the marriage with you as the nice guy who will accept a half marriage.
> 
> Sex is part of marriage. That part isn't open for debate with her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply.

To clarify - sex MUST be part of this M. That isn't up for debate, for her or me.

I need a plan for dealing with the feelings and emotions about past sex and how to make future sex more satisfying for both.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

jayde said:


> She also needs to stop rewriting your marriage history to suit her recent history. If she had a problem with you 'forcing' her to have sex, she should have said something years ago. She needs to talk about issues here and now and move forward.


Yes, she is rewriting history. 

She admits she should have said something. But she blames me for not "knowing."

How do we move forward?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Under the circumstances, you should proceed slowly.

Sex cannot be part of the equation right now. Seriously. 

You two aren't really even friends at the moment.

Expect that you will do what you need to do to recover the marriage, and expect that she will do the same.

If part of your expectation is that she should spread her legs for you just 'because', then you are feeding into one of her core resentments in the first place. Your attempts at reconciliation will be a non-starter.

Obviously she is sexual. The hard part is coming to terms with the fact that she doesn't want to be sexual with you.
YOU will need to decide if you want to try to work through that. 

My presumption is that if she wants the marriage ... and not simply the security and stability of the marriage, while she takes her affairs deeper underground, she must at least be open to working with you to rebuild the bond ... eventually leading to satisfying sex for the both of you.

If she isn't, then you should seriously question your choice to reconcile.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I don't think the problem is sex

I think the problem is that she isn't committed to true R and insn't willing to do what is necessary to repair the marriage


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I like Almostrecovered's idea in My story of setting aside time each week to do your own marriage counseling. They sat on the back porch and talked for an hour about things that were bothering them. They discussed their past, their problems openly without judging each other.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30807-2-years-ago-today.html

You may want to try this. It is very important that each person says exactly what they think without the other person becoming defensive or critical. This would be the time to bring up your unhappiness about sex.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Now that she's returned to you she's of the mind that you should back the hell off and respect that body language. Frankly, putting myself in her frame of mind, I'd have to wonder about a husband who still pursues sex when I'm clearly throwing a "Do Not Enter" vibe.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

I'd get an attorney and have him draw up papers giving her one half of everything the two of you have accumulated and dump her ass. She obviously only returned for financial security and will be sneaking around and cheating on you before you get your next roll in the sack with her.
I was married to her "sister duplicate" and she wanted to come crawling back after revealing a whole series of affairs she had had during our sham marriage. She ended up with just about everything and two years later the bum she was rooting around with hadn't had a job in six months and they lost the home to nonpayment of taxes and maintainence fees and she wanted to return.
I hear she is living under a bridge someplace down south.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Walt said:


> For years, she didn't think sex was important to our M. I settled for bad, unemotional sex.





Walt said:


> Her resentment has built up to the point where she doesn't want to have sex at all. However, she knows that if we don't, the M is over.


This from the same wife that had a one night stand (ONS) with another man because she wanted sex with him so badly? Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture?


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Under the circumstances, you should proceed slowly.
> 
> Obviously she is sexual. The hard part is coming to terms with the fact that she doesn't want to be sexual with you.
> YOU will need to decide if you want to try to work through that.
> ...


This is exactly right. She CAN be sexual. I know it, she knows it. 

Resentment about our sex life has shut that off for us as a couple. 

How do we rebuild the DESIRE?


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