# Sex after having a child



## tfarnz (Feb 26, 2011)

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## tfarnz (Feb 26, 2011)

Can a women's drive be completely squashed from hormones and breast feeding?
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## flnative (Jul 16, 2011)

Yes. Each woman is different and I'm sure some will answer. I believe a temporary slowdown can be normal.


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## SomeLady (Feb 21, 2012)

tfarnz said:


> Can a women's drive be completely squashed from hormones and breast feeding?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely. After all, what would "drive" a woman to get pregnant again if she's just had a baby? Breast feeding would likely make any hormonal suppression of sex drive last longer. 

There's also just plain exhaustion as well as being "touched out." (The feeling of not wanting to touch or be touch anybody because it seems like you're constantly touching/nursing a baby.)

I don't know how much is "normal" or how long it usually lasts.


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## tfarnz (Feb 26, 2011)

It's been twice in the last 8 months. This is after our 4th and final child. She wasn't this way with the others and she just says she's not interested. I got sniped shortly after. Could it be some subconscious thoughts of me not being able to make babies?
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No. It's not your fault. My husband was snipped and I still desire him. 

Her hormones should be checked. This happened to my sister and a friend. BOTH were low on testosterone after the babies came. My sister didn't take treatment for it and it regulated but took 2 years. My friend did hormone treatment and was fine within 5-6 months.

Breastfeeding may stall ovulation for many women...which would stall hormones being released...but not for me. I got my period 28 days after each birth even though I was breastfeeding exclusively. I was bummed.

Pregnancy is HARD on women's bodies. You men have no idea. 

Maybe she has no desire because she has PPD? Every pregnancy is different EVEN with the same woman. How she handled things before means NOTHING to now. It's all different.

She's caring for 4 children...hopefully you help but it is exhausting.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

tfarnz said:


> It's been twice in the last 8 months. This is after our 4th and final child. She wasn't this way with the others and she just says she's not interested. I got sniped shortly after. Could it be some subconscious thoughts of me not being able to make babies?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



There really doesn't seem to be a meaningful "normal" in this area.

In purely biological terms she has "gotten her rocks off". Her need to procreate has been sated, she probably feels safe in the relationship and the initial bonding sex is over. Therefore, many but definitely not all women in that situation are unlikely to have any compelling need for sex for a very long time if ever again.

But all you can do is try to talk to her to find out how she is feeling and explain that it is important to you to reconnect sexually. Since you have little ones there is unlikely to be any other option at this point.


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## mountaingirl00 (Feb 22, 2012)

Yes, you will won't sex again. I recently had two babies in two years. To be honest, I was not interested in sex the past two years. However, 6 months after our second child was born the desire for sex is back.


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## tfarnz (Feb 26, 2011)

I just can help but get the feeling that she is so into the kids and the daily life that I am just a paycheck. If we are alone together all we talk about is the kids. Just seems like my place in her heart has been taken by the kids and all the other things
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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

tfarnz said:


> I just can help but get the feeling that she is so into the kids and the daily life that I am just a paycheck. If we are alone together all we talk about is the kids. Just seems like my place in her heart has been taken by the kids and all the other things
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've had to have the discussion before about not getting my turn in her mind. It was to the point that even when she agreed to have sex, as soon as I started trying to warm her up, she started worrying out loud about one of the kids. That's definitely a mood killer, and it definitely makes a partner feel displaced and almost desperate to get his/her place back.

For my part, I had to offer her time to sit and talk about what was worrying her and help develop plans including what we could, and couldn't do. That helped clear her mind. For her part, she had to agree to give me my turn in her mind, and that included when we began to make love, it had to be my turn, and other things couldn't come out at that moment.

We didn't resolve it until we had direct and open communication about it, though. I initiated that time (as I usually do), but it's always necessary when initiating tough discussions to realize that you're probably going to have a part you're going to have to play in it as well. She may need to make changes, but you probably will as well. If you can get the direct communication going, then maybe she can tell you what it is that you can do to help her get past this, but she also needs to understand that she needs to make an effort. 

Good luck with it.


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## tfarnz (Feb 26, 2011)

What I am scared of is that the kids are all she needs for her to be happy and she can't find the place that separates our marriage from her being a full time parent. I guess my biggest fear is I've lost her without her even knowing it.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you treat her like a woman, or like your wife and mother of your children?

Maybe she thinks you think of her as free daycare and maid service.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

tfarnz said:


> What I am scared of is that the kids are all she needs for her to be happy and she can't find the place that separates our marriage from her being a full time parent. I guess my biggest fear is I've lost her without her even knowing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really doubt that is the case, but this is one of those places where your imagination is not your friend. Your wife is the only one that has the answers to the questions that your fears are raising in your mind. She has no chance of answering those questions if you don't open the channels of communication with her. I really doubt she even knows you are perceiving it this way, but again, she's the only one with the answers to those questions.

I think you can open the channels of communication with her in a non-threatening way. Be ready to help her out (even more if necessary) with the kids to help ease her mind, and find out from her what it is she needs. 

That's not the whole answer, but I think that's the starting point.


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## mountaingirl00 (Feb 22, 2012)

Yes, her time is busy with the kids. What you need to do is help her with the kids, and picking up the house. Help with the baby at night when the baby wake, change diapers, giver her a break for a day and babysit so she can go do something for herslef. Your wife is tired and needs a little time for herself. 

With my second baby that is now 7 months old. I had a a hard time! I was depressed. I felt like all I had time for was to be a mom. However, this effected our marriage and my husband started communicating wuth other females. Which we are still workign through. 

The best thing you can do is help your wife out around the house and with the kids. Overtime she will have more energy.

You need to speak to her about how you feel. Tell her that your marriage is important and you want to be a part of her life too.


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## mountaingirl00 (Feb 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Do you treat her like a woman, or like your wife and mother of your children?
> 
> Maybe she thinks you think of her as free daycare and maid service.


I totally agree! Do you show her how much you love her? When I was depressed after our second child. I tried talking to my husband. I told him I was having a hard time with a 14 month old, and 1 month and working full-time. What my husband told me was "Deal with it". 

So, try to be supportive and be there efore her. Ask her how you can help.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

mountaingirl00 said:


> I totally agree! Do you show her how much you love her? When I was depressed after our second child. I tried talking to my husband. I told him I was having a hard time with a 14 month old, and 1 month and working full-time. What my husband told me was "Deal with it".
> 
> So, try to be supportive and be there efore her. Ask her how you can help.


Realizing something my posts were missing, but mountaingirl00's posts are bringing out. When you communicate, you have to also be understanding - that's part of making it non-threatening, and part of what I meant by saying you may also have to make changes. It's likely she has perceptions about you that you didn't know, so you have to be ready to hear those without getting upset. Things like PPD are real, so you have to be ready to be the one who shoulders all the burden and just supports for a while if she is dealing with things like this. Don't worry - it'll be reciprocated if she is a loving wife, and if it is something like PPD. She can't reciprocate while she is dealing with it, though, so that's why you may need to shoulder it all for awhile. 

Also, be sure you show her that you're excited about the children, and they're as important to you as they are to her. I think sometimes we men tend to think working is always perceived by our partner the same way we perceive it, and it isn't always. Sometimes, you have to show these things in other areas for your partner to recognize it.

Every baby is an adjustment. It sounds like you need the communication to be open, so open that. Make sure your mind stays open to hear what she's telling you when you open the communication.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tfarnz said:


> It's been twice in the last 8 months. This is after our 4th and final child. She wasn't this way with the others and she just says she's not interested. I got sniped shortly after. Could it be some subconscious thoughts of me not being able to make babies?


Was the decision to not have more kids mutual?

If you go through some of the regret stories on Vasectomy Information you will see that both men and women have the potential for psychological impact from the loss of fertility, even if the decision was mutual.

Of course, it is also a possibility that your wife simply sees herself as a mom and not a sexual being now. Some women (like my ex) never see sex as valuable in itself (physical pleasure) but only as a way to have kids and maintain an emotional closeness. Others reach that point somewhere along life's journey (lots of those stories on TAM).


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## tfarnz (Feb 26, 2011)

The choice was mutual. Long story short. 4 is all we can afford. She is a stay at home mom that also home schools. We are not rich, we live week to week. I'm pretty sure she has no ppd, she just seems to have no interest in me. At All.
She says she wants to be intimate but does zero to show it. 

.
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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tfarnz said:


> What I am scared of is that the kids are all she needs for her to be happy and she can't find the place that separates our marriage from her being a full time parent. I guess my biggest fear is I've lost her without her even knowing it.


Well then this is what you need to communicate to her, in an understanding yet serious manner. I would say after a certain point (say your youngest's first birthday) you are going to see all the improvement there is to be had without a serious sit down and perhaps professional help.

Four kids is a lot of work. By now your baby should be sleeping through the night and you guys should be reconnecting at least a little. There is always time for the two of you, being both in the same house, if you prioritize each other.

The truth is your marriage will not be what it could be if you keep along this path. Her not meeting your needs will cause you to look elsewhere (I don't mean an affair though) if you don't outright resent her for not providing physical affection.

Kids will take over if you let them. If you aren't meeting their physical needs as young children, there will be school and homework, maintaining the home, family activities, sports, and other extracurriculars. There is always something to do for your kids, and if you don't set some limits they will consume your life.

Where do you and your wife want your marriage to be in 20 years when your kids are full adults getting through college with their own lives? Where do you see it actually being if you don't push through the complacency and make time for each other despite the bustle of life? These are the questions you both need to answer and then adjust your actions accordingly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tfarnz said:


> The choice was mutual. Long story short. 4 is all we can afford. She is a stay at home mom that also home schools. We are not rich, we live week to week. I'm pretty sure she has no ppd, she just seems to have no interest in me. At All.
> She says she wants to be intimate but does zero to show it.
> 
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think you are a professional able to diagnose your wife as not having PPD.

Just sayin.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

mountaingirl00 said:


> I totally agree! Do you show her how much you love her? When I was depressed after our second child. I tried talking to my husband. I told him I was having a hard time with a 14 month old, and 1 month and working full-time. What my husband told me was "Deal with it".
> 
> So, try to be supportive and be there efore her. Ask her how you can help.


What a douche thing to say!

I love how people can act this way, then be TOTALLY shocked when their marriage fails.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tfarnz said:


> The choice was mutual. Long story short. 4 is all we can afford. She is a stay at home mom that also home schools. We are not rich, we live week to week. I'm pretty sure she has no ppd, she just seems to have no interest in me. At All. She says she wants to be intimate but does zero to show it.


Why home school? Whose choice was that? Are the schools in your area really that bad or incompatible with your belief system, or is she determined to be supermom?

I'm an intelligent, well-educated guy and still would not home school. There is such a breadth of resources kids get in school that I could not replicate. There is a reason teachers either have specific college degrees, plus extra school, professional certification, and continuing professional education requirements.

I ask you to consider that home schooling may not be right for your family. Your wife likely is burned out and has no time for you. You guys are at your financial limit and cannot afford help. There's also a chance limited social contact and the likely hectic state of your home is harming your kids as well. Having the kids in school could solve many of these problems.


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## tfarnz (Feb 26, 2011)

That girl
I can tell you that I'm no professional. I'm an engineer. Give me a pile of steel and a problem and I can fix it. A wife that shows no love and I'm clueless. Logic does not = relat ionships
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

that_girl said:


> What a douche thing to say!
> 
> I love how people can act this way, then be TOTALLY shocked when their marriage fails.


Granted, it's a douche thing to say. A lot of us have a few (or more than a few) douche things we've said that we wish we hadn't. Sometimes, one of the hardest things we have to learn is that something that may mean one thing when we say it to the guys means something entirely different to our wives. I'd suspect this is one of those terms.

Still, I agree, it was a douche thing to say, and I hope he realizes it now. We all have to learn "on the job" as it were.


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## msL (Feb 20, 2012)

DTO said:


> Why home school? Whose choice was that? Are the schools in your area really that bad or incompatible with your belief system, or is she determined to be supermom?
> 
> I'm an intelligent, well-educated guy and still would not home school. There is such a breadth of resources kids get in school that I could not replicate. There is a reason teachers either have specific college degrees, plus extra school, professional certification, and continuing professional education requirements.
> 
> I ask you to consider that home schooling may not be right for your family. Your wife likely is burned out and has no time for you. You guys are at your financial limit and cannot afford help. There's also a chance limited social contact and the likely hectic state of your home is harming your kids as well. Having the kids in school could solve many of these problems.


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## msL (Feb 20, 2012)

excuse me? Have you not seen the shape our public schools are in? As a matter of fact there was just a school shooting TODAY. Do your homeowrk on home schooling before saying anything. ALONG with the home schooling there are social activities these children are involved in with other children that are home schooled. How about this suggestion..get a babysitter, once a month, go out and spend some time together as a couple, get a break from the daily routines of the house.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tfarnz said:


> Can a women's drive be completely squashed from hormones and breast feeding?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. The hormone fluctuations of pregnancy, post-partum, and breastfeeding - while normal - can be very detrimental to a woman's libido. Especially breastfeeding - as levels of estrogen (which helps to keep the vagina supple) and testosterone (which helps with libido) are diminished. It can take some women up to two years for their hormones to stabilize after childbirth.

Breastfeeding Causing Diminished Sexual Desire | HealthyWomen

The thing is, though, that love is like a balloon that never pops - you can put more and more people to love (air) in it and it can keep growing. We don't have a limitied capacity to truly love.

However, a person's time and energy are of limited capacity. You can't make a day that holds more that 24 hours, nor can you continue to expend precious physical and mental energy that you simply do not have.

I think your wife sounds like she is in burn-out. With four young kids, new infant, homeschooling ... yah. I think the first thing you should try and do is get a handle on the daily routine and how much that may be taking out of her.

Has she had a check-up with her doctor recently? Is she physically healthy? Does she have energy or is she lacking in that area?

Is she emotionally pulled together? Is she stressed? Is she depressed? Does she complain? If so, what about? How often?

How often does she get time on her own to decompress? Is she able to have some time every day by herself? Does she have interests and hobbies that she has an interest in still pursuing?

Some wives need help to see that they are not just moms - they are women in and of themselves, they are wives, they DO have lives and wants and interests and desires of their own - and it is okay to have those - preferable actually, even if you are a mother.

As a husband, you need to try and set up the kind of environment that will allow your wife to see that she is not just a mother - that she is a wife and woman, and that the marriage is really of paramount importance.

If you talk to her about this, what does she say?

Best wishes.


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