# Is my husband emotionally involved with the OW?



## edith (Apr 14, 2010)

So, many of you know my story - my husband had an emotional affair for 1.5 years with a woman he used to work with, which turned physical just last week. For a while I was torn, wondering if he was emotionally involved with her or not, and have been asking for opinions.

Just today, after having told her how "amazing" she was in bed, I see an email from over the weekend where he simply writes "You... what am I going to do with you?!". It was out of context so I don't know what he meant. But I assume he is mesmerized by how much alike they are, sexually - that seems to be an ongoing issue of theirs.

Then I talked to him at work and he sounded really busy. I read an email later, from her today asking if he was blowing her off, because he was supposed to write her with a time for their "date" tomorrow.

THEN - here's the topper - he writes her back 1.5 HOURS later, and APOLOGIZES for the "delay". Delay?? Because it took him a little over an hour?? My husband never apologizes for big things, let alone small ones. But he apologized to her. Then he says that he "definitely" wants to see her but they need to move it to Thursday..

Lunch time... I talked to him on the phone and he's not in the office. I was able to log on and they are emailing again. She's the one who started it. SHE is definitely involved. I don't know about him. But he does seem to explain himself to her a lot, like he's trying to spare her feelings. As I've said, he has stopped writing her in the past and she seems to be terrified that he'll do the same now that they've had sex. And she doesn't seem like she's ever going to let go of him. At least that's the sense I get:

HER: "I know that you’re pulling back for a reason. But I will always wait for you. Whenever you want me, I’ll be right here – without hesitation. Always."

HIM: "Trust me, I’m not pulling back. We have a board meeting today and I needed to get a million things done for Dave and Tom. I also have a 4:00 meeting with Dave and Tom today to review some other stuff. Sorry about that. I really can’t wait to see you again."

HER: "I do trust you. And I’m still waiting for you. I just got apprehensive because I haven’t heard from you since Monday, and we have a history with this kind of behavior… But, NO nagging. I promise. : ) (I’m you, now! )"

I don't know if there's been a nagging issue, or if she's just taking a shot at me, but this is breaking my heart one more time. I KNOW I need to stop reading these emails. But they help keep me grounded, like an expectator until it's time to do something.

Am I right in seeing these signs as yet more proof of his emotional involvement??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know they are cheating. What are you going to do? Do you want him back?

If so:
Print out these emails for proof.
Tell him you know he's cheating and you want him to stop.
If he denies or says no, you go to his Human Resources department and tell them the two are carrying on a workplace affair, and you are giving the company the opportunity to separate them somehow, before you consider whether to file a lawsuit against the company.
If the company won't do anything, call his parents, his siblings, and his best friends, and tell them he is cheating and you need their help talking to him. You get HER husband's name/number as well as her parents and siblings (pay for it if you have to), and call them as well.
Sit back and wait for the fallout, once they know they are outed.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I don't know if there's been a nagging issue, or if she's just taking a shot at me, but this is breaking my heart one more time. I KNOW I need to stop reading these emails. But they help keep me grounded, like an expectator *until it's time to do something*.
> 
> Am I right in seeing these signs as yet more proof of his emotional involvement??


I am not sure at all why you are waiting to 'do something' - why aren't you doing it _now?_ The longer you wait, the more damage will be done to the marriage and to you! Why wait?

Moreover, what's the concern with 'emotional involvement'? Affairs almost always start with emotional attachment - and proceed from there to a physical relationship - if allowed to last that long.

Turnera is right - NOW is the time to gather evidence. Get as much as you can over the next day or so, and then move to the next step - expose the thing!

We are here to help keep you grounded - a lot more grounded than reading love letters between your spouse and his lover. 

If you want to save your marriage, please heed our advice!

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Now playing: Jethro Tull - Another Harry's Bar
via FoxyTunes


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> You know they are cheating. What are you going to do? Do you want him back?
> 
> If so:
> Print out these emails for proof.
> ...


Stupidest advice on planet earth right here^^^^^^^^^^^ most large corporations don't tolerate this "in theory" but in my experience all turn the other cheek. What HR manager wants to go dealing with that? NONE DO!!

Where I work a wife knew, but couldn't prove, her very affluent very wealthy husband was carrying on a affair with a woman 14 years his junior. Everyone knew this was no secret, but also no a open relationship. Just stories of what went on outside of work.

She did the same thing!! Screw him I'm calling corporate!! Guess what her STUPID STINT backfired in the biggest way. Not only was he terminated her husband couldn't find a job making near what he made at the company he was terminated from. She regrets her decision in the biggest way because they worked it out and are till together just about 80K/yr less in income because instead of dealing with it like a person does.......she succumbed to this blackmail bullcrap so often spewed here.

Follow this and your husband may get canned!!


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## MysteriousFelinka (May 1, 2010)

Do not worry about him being involved with her - it does not affect his feelings for you, and she is not referring to you when she mentioned nagging. Ther poor girl is in the vulnerable position now - you are the wife, the privileged lady, she is a lover, well - we all know that men do not leave wives for lovers.
He loves you as well, and feels guilty. Get him to do something nice for you - he will!


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## MysteriousFelinka (May 1, 2010)

As for advice to create a problem for him at work - that is a silly strategy. Either leave him, or be with him, but unless you have independent wealth and do not mind destroying him, keep it away from his work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not a silly strategy if you want to save your marriage. It's a proven strategy and I've seen it work in dozens of affair-affected marriages - the affair will NEVER stop until the other woman is removed from the picture. And I've seen plenty of companies remove the OW so as to avoid lawsuits - a very real possibility.

Even if he were to get fired - which is unlikely - he can get another job. He CAN'T get another marriage with you.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

turnera said:


> It's a proven strategy and I've seen it work in dozens of affair-affected marriages - the affair will NEVER stop until the other woman is removed from the picture.


Yes, but why on earth would you suggest notifying an employer as the FIRST option? As others have mentioned this could make reconciling unnecessarily complicated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NightOwl said:


> Yes, but why on earth would you suggest notifying an employer as the FIRST option? As others have mentioned this could make reconciling unnecessarily complicated.


 I didn't. I said to gather evidence, confront him/her with it, and if they refuse to stop, to do what you can to separate the affair partners. Work finding out is a HUGE damper on the fun and excitement of an affair.

As for making reconciling complicated, ANYTHING you do to stand in the way of the affair is going to make it complicated. They're going to be mad no matter WHAT you do, except for saying 'oh go ahead I know you just need to have some fun.'

Workplace affairs do NOT end unless the two are separated. Even if you tell your spouse you'll no longer cheat on them with your secretary or coworker or whatever, every time you see that person at work, every single wonderful, exciting, heart-pumping memory of your time together comes flooding back to you. Every time. So, even if her husband says he won't see OW again, they'll still be mentally cheating each time they run into each other.

There's another forum where part of the program includes leaving the job where the OW/OM is at as part of your recommitment to your marriage - a must. No matter what. Which is more important - a job or your marriage? Despite the economy this year, there ARE other jobs out there.

That said, edith did say they 'used' to work together. I don't know if that means they're in different departments now or that she quit the company. But if it's the former, they have to be separated for the marriage to survive.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Tunera is right and I will say the OW/co-worker in my situation I seriously considered contacting the employer. He is her boss and it is NOT OK in their company. When I talked to her I didn't think she was completely at fault it was more him but I am not ruling it out either. I am not OK with them working together nor am I wrong to feel this way.


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