# Wife wants divorce after 4 months



## CNS2309 (Aug 13, 2015)

Good evening everyone. Like many of you on this forum, I am here to express my feelings and the situation I am going through, but also I would like some input based off you everyone's personal experiences or simply an outside parties speculation. Anyway, here goes:
My wife and I dated for a couple years back in highschool (we are currently in our late twenties), again a couple years after graduation in '05 and got back together for the final time a few years ago. 
Everything felt right; the timing was finally appropriate, we had both matured (so I thought) and we're ready to take the next step. We moved in with each other into a cozy apartment, made love nightly (tmi?), and spent every moment we could with each other wether it was Netflix and dinner or out with mutual friends (her friends originally whom I was introduced to). During this period of our lives, we received a generous monetary gift from a relative, we went on fabulous vacations and put a down payment on a new home we both fell in love with and could see ourselves raising the beautiful kids we imagined we would have in it. I asked her to be mine for ever on a full moon-lit beach in Jamaica. She said yes. We were married October 24th 2014. 
Cloud 9. 
Then things began to change for the worse mearly 4 months into our marriage. She began spending time with her friends a little too much. When we would hang out with them as a couple, she would never want to leave and come home at an appropriate time (I have insomnia so late to me at a party is 2:30, a beyond reasonable time to call it a night). I would tell her it's time to go home and rest for work the next morning but, inebriated, it's hard to tell her anything (or sober for that matter). Her visits to her friends became more and more frequent to where I couldn't keep up, so I would stay home. Then it became
Her being with this friend, or that friend, or celebrating this friends cousins birthday, or "this other friend hasn't seen me in forever so in going over here", or the girls are going to the city so I won't be home tonight. You get my point. There is always something going on with some friend of hers and combine that with her job working at a theater and not getting home until 3am on the days she closes, I would got 3 sometimes 4 days without seeing her, on multiple occasions. 
She values time with her friends more than time with her husband and it blows my mind. I expressed my feelings about her emotional and physical absence in our home and marriage and nothing was done on her part to rectify the situation. Naturally I became a little passive-aggressive, it's a flaw I consciously work on but its hard to contain certain remarks when you're feelings are being completely disregarded by your spouse. AND WE HAVENT EVEN BEEN MARRIED FOR A YEAR. 
She wrenched a gap between us so wide and then, stone-cold faced demanded a divorce while folding laundry. I held my composure and told her it wasn't what she truly wanted (wishful thinking). I blamed the new birth control she had started taking a month prior which halts her period for 3 months, clearly screwing with hormones. I begged her to go to counsiling with me which she coldly denied at first until I "trapped her and pressured her into the idea". The whole while we are suppose to be working whatever this problem is (I have no idea how it got to this), she's still doing the same stuff. Going out with friends, not setting aside quality time to work on the relationship. Not bothering to fix anything with vigor. The times she did "try", her attitude was short with me and her tone full of resentment. 
Alone for days on end with minimal, dismissive text communication if any with her and absolutely no answers as to why this is happening aside from "I just don't feel it anymore", I was losing it. Contemplating suicide, my head swimming, the gears constantly turning with nothing to grab on to. No answers. Not even a hint as to why my life is suddenly crashing down around me. I couldn't and still can't focus at work because the thought of how things got to this is always clouding my mind. I have history of depression and I'm fighting it the best I can, but it's all so exhausting both mentally and physically all the time. 
In the midst of my emotional roller coaster, a friend noticed I was going through something without knowing what it was and asked if I wanted to talk about it. This friend is female. We met at an arcade/bar and I told her what was going on in my life, hoping to get a females perspective, and broke down cried like a lil girl in this crowded bar. My wife was going through phone records (still not sure why), saw I had texted this woman and approached her about it. My friend told her everything and now my wife accuses me of "emotionally cheating" on her and has her excuse to end things for good. 
Throughout this whole ordeal she has been so cavalier and nonchalant about it all. She had checked out way before she brought the divorce up it seems and now it's actually happening. I may not have made the wisest choice to confide and seek council in a female friend, but in the dark place I was in, I needed to talk to someone, ANYONE who cares enough to listen. To get some answers I wasn't getting from my wife. I'm losing my mind trying to get inside hers and I don't know how much more I can take. 
She blames me for holding her back and her not being able to go back to school because I'm persuing a degree. She blames
My passive-aggressiveness for her being gone all the time. She blames
Me for "emotionally cheating". This has all just happened so fast and out of nowhere.
Help
Thank you for your consideration. Please feel free to poke and prod and ask anything of you feel it will help me get s better understanding as to what's going on with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

CNS, here are a few things that you can control.
- Stop talking/venting to your female friend about your martial problems. This needs to stop now. It will only create more complications that you do not need now. Your wife already has a issue with this. The thing is that venting to a female friend will make your wife feel that you are cheating emotionally, you are going outside to someone else beside her to talk about her.
Stop this, its one less problem.

-Next, you need to find a therapist. Someone you can talk to in a safe and healthy situation. You are very confused,afeard and worried at this time. Your thoughts are going around in circle. You need to start taking to an IC, to get your thought process straighten out. Find your family and friends, so you can have a support circle around you. But not the above friend.
You are not weak, this is just a confusing and hurtful time in your life.

-Start taking care of yourself. Eat, exercise, sleep. Go out and be with friends/family.

Ok. Things that are beyond you now: how she feels, acts and who she is spending time with.

As you get control of yourself and more help from people in TAM and IC you will see things more clearly and can process what is happening to you and your marriage.

My thoughts:
You guys are still very young. You mentioned getting a monetary gift and going on vacations, traveling, going out etc. So, this was all exciting and adventurous. You got married doing this time and everything was great. The nice house and married came with responsibilities. Life is now slowing down and your are starting to stabilize in your activities. Your wife is now realizing that hey, "I thought marriage was fun and exciting. What is happening here? Why are we not partying and doing all the things we were doing before this". 

She does not want lets stay home, cook dinner and watch tv. She wants a party everyday. Marriage comes with responsibilities and sacrifices that some people are just not ready to meet or commit to. Your wife is probably not there yet.

So, work on yourself. If she really thinks she wants out. Then, let her go. I am one of those people who thinks if you do not want to be married to me. Then please leave, so I can find someone who does. 

Hope this helps abit.
Take care of yourself. Don't do any irrational things. If you feel you need help and might harm yourself call 911, or family please. One hour at a time. One day at a time.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I agree, you need to stop confiding in your female friend. That is only going to make matters worse.

Find a close male friend, family member, pastor you can confide in. Who cares if you start sobbing, what your feeling is perfectly normal, I would be crying too trying to talk about it to a friend.

Be angry, you have every right to be angry, that is normal too. Passive Aggressively punishing her isn't normal, you know what the problem is, let her hear it.

Depression/suicide...
I've been there, years ago. I want it repeatedly said, you are normal, what you are feeling is normal, if anybody wasn't depressed going through what you just described, they wouldn't be normal. But seriously, bro, the suicide **** has to stop, you are still in the drivers seat of your life, not her, not even God makes decisions for you. Open a window, clear your mind with a councilor, exercise definitely stops racing thoughts.
Get under some weighs and punish yourself that way. If your mind wants to goto war with your body, at least give it a fighting chance. Who knows, you might find out, together, the mind and body can beat depression, and make confident rational decisions.

She goes out to party, go to the gym,
Can't sleep, go to the gym,
Feel like you wanna check out, go to the gym.

Its time you learn how strong you really are, this too shall pass.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get an annulment and move on to the next candidate. This one is a flake. Next time, stay away from barflies.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Get an annulment and move on to the next candidate. This one is a flake. Next time, stay away from barflies.


Length of marriage is not grounds for an annulment.

Annulments are granted for fraud to the essentials of marriage (lied about age, gender, marital status, citizenship, or past assault convictions), if the marriage wasn't consummated, if the couple wasn't domicile (never lived together), intoxication, insanity, duress, or any other law that prevents marriage from being valid (some states have waiting periods after divorce before remarriage)


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The theater life can be exhilarating and on the go all the time and in contrast to her marriage was mundane, with responsibilities, etc. I think you are both not a good fit in the cold light of day. You need to do the 180 and emotionally detach from her, get some IC to help you to get back control of your life. Don't make any decisions now, but continue with your work, do not engage with her except for administrative (non relationship) matters. Keep yourself occupied, with gym, meeting your own friends, take up a new hobby, join an NGO, whatever you are interested in. Show her that life can go on.

She is probably too immature to see that her lifestyle is not real life and cannot be sustained for ever but it is not up to you to show her this. Work on yourself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

gouge_away said:


> Length of marriage is not grounds for an annulment.
> 
> Annulments are granted for fraud to the essentials of marriage (lied about age, gender, marital status, citizenship, or past assault convictions), if the marriage wasn't consummated, if the couple wasn't domicile (never lived together), intoxication, insanity, duress, or any other law that prevents marriage from being valid (some states have waiting periods after divorce before remarriage)


Spank you Legal Lucy.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

CNS2309 said:


> Good evening everyone. Like many of you on this forum, I am here to express my feelings and the situation I am going through, but also I would like some input based off you everyone's personal experiences or simply an outside parties speculation. Anyway, here goes:
> My wife and I dated for a couple years back in highschool (we are currently in our late twenties), again a couple years after graduation in '05 and got back together for the final time a few years ago.
> Everything felt right; the timing was finally appropriate, we had both matured (so I thought) and we're ready to take the next step. We moved in with each other into a cozy apartment, made love nightly (tmi?), and spent every moment we could with each other wether it was Netflix and dinner or out with mutual friends (her friends originally whom I was introduced to). During this period of our lives, we received a generous monetary gift from a relative, we went on fabulous vacations and put a down payment on a new home we both fell in love with and could see ourselves raising the beautiful kids we imagined we would have in it. I asked her to be mine for ever on a full moon-lit beach in Jamaica. She said yes. We were married October 24th 2014.
> Cloud 9.
> ...


It's suspicious to me. 
Why is she going through your phone records? Is it the case of her cheating, so therefore she is suspicious that you've cheated as well?

She is not present in your marriage. Why had she wanted to spend so much time with her friends and not see you for days? Did you do something that made her want to be away from you? If not...then dude...you deserve better. At the very least we each need spouses that will actually be present in our lives...not "with friends" so much that we don't see them for days on end. That's crazy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP
Sometimes life is harsh and forces us to endure that which we would much prefer to avoid. Sadly, it does not offer us a choice. You are now facing such an occurance. No one can make another care for them, it simply is not possible. Love potions and spells are things of myth and fantasy. Your wife is not ready for a mature monogamous relationship. It is through no fault of yours, she just had not grown up yet. You mentioned the possibility of you being passive agressive as a reason for her behavioral change but it is not. If she was a mature person, she would have noticed this trait in you and not married you or she would have come to you, post marriage and discussed it, encouraging you to seek counseling or whathave you. She would not party and stay away for days on end.

Your issue is your wife's immaturity and regrettably you can not fix that. So then, your only real option is to focus on the positives and the things over which you have some control. You and she built some fond memories together in the begining, there is that. There are no children involved which will simplify the dissolution process and allow you to completely separate from her.

You are young and there is much life to live. Do not allow your mind to trick you into believing that you cannot live it without her. You lived it before her and you can do so after her. In fact, once you find a mature woman who is capable of feeling for you the way you will feel for her, life will be much better. Work toward that, focus on improving you and it will happen. Good fortune to you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Who exactly got this large gift? Was the house bought before marriage? In who's name?

By the way, I would be shocked if she wasn't getting her ashes hauled on these nights away. She checked your phone because she has a cheaters mind and thought you were doing the same as her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The accusation of an EA is pure projection. I'd bet money that she's having a PA. All the other complaints are just distractions to alleviate guilt.

She's obviously no longer into you. You have to do a 180 to help you detach. You're young with no kids, file D and don't look back.


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## CNS2309 (Aug 13, 2015)

Thank you for your input and advice, everyone. It provides me with a sense of strength to read such kind and empowering words from folks I've never met. I'm doing my best to stay focused, but now things are starting to get into the legal aspects which is an entirely different and terrifying beast, it seems. 

To answer some of your questions, I have not done anything negative in my relationship to warrant this outcome. I asked her where this was all coming from, what did I do to make her feel the way she does so suddenly. She told me she can no longer see herself having my children, she can no longer see herself spending the rest of her life with me, she said when she thinks about having fun she doesn't think about having fun with me, just her friends, and she doesn't want to try to fix things. When I asked why for the hundredth time, she says she doesn't know, she just doesn't feel it anymore. It's driving me mad, I was in this 110%, and now it's ending and even after her explanation I still can't comprehend why. And something tells me I never will. 

WorkingOnMe: the gift was from her mother to us for a home. The home was purchased while we were engaged and both of our names are on the deed and other paperwork.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm telling you she's seeing someone or has just gotten into a scene of easy hook ups and is addicted to the high of banging new guys. Either way, she's no longer the girl you had in the past. 

File D, separate the finances and let ALL friends & family know that marriage is ending because she wants to be single. DO NOT ASSIST with any expenses or agree to an uneven split of assets. Get an aggressive female divorce lawyer. They know how to play hardball. Get on your knees and thank God that you didn't have kids with this woman.


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## MGD (Jun 19, 2015)

You better get away at this nice age. You can start a new life which is pleasing. You may not both be best fit for the marriage. You better ask yourself if there is any thing that is appealing to her? If no better you go to find your type. Every body make mistakes and she might have sensed it before you.

IF YOU COULD NOT ALONG TOGETHER find your own way. Do not consider this as defit


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## Rualst (Jun 28, 2015)

Keep a journal, and start talking with lawyers. Get free consultations with the best lawyers around. I say this, because once you have a consultation with one lawyer, that lawyer is not allowed to represent your spouse. Plus, it doesn't hurt to get tons of info. Record the consultations, as your short term memory will suck going through these stages. During my divorce, I couldn't remember nothing. Keep quiet, and protect yourself while she is in lala land. Always keep a voice activated recorder. Hide one in her car creatively. Hide money/assets.

I have been there, the day we seperated, I begged to give it another try. Turned out she had another guy all lined up, and he moved into MY house a couple weeks later. We didn't even file yet! And my kids were in the house. Since I got a great deal in the divorce, I didn't bother with adultery crap. She waves alimony anyway, felt guilty I guess. I almost killed myself. As she treated me like a stranger since the day I left, like she planned this for a while.
My point is, I just left 2 months ago, and as I type this - I don't give a rats a$$ what she is doing right now. Why? The 180!
PLEASE, study the 180, divorce busting. I actually could have had her begging to come back, if only I stuck to it better, but still - 2 months ago I could not imagine how I would get through life, and was suicidal. The 180 trains your brain to not rely on her for self confidence, not think about her, and even though it supposed to be for you to heal quicker, it has an effect in her. Especially when you go 'no-contact'. Be strong! DONT BEG.

Make believe you caught her banging 3 guys. Get pissed. You need to show her nothing but coldness, rejection. Text her that you all of a sudden want the divorce asap. She is used to you being clingy, always putting up with her. She relies on you being the sucker. This 180 WILL mess with her head alittle, but the 'no-contact' is best. I know you have a hole going through your heart right now, and anxiety is a b1tch. I hated people telling me "dude, just move on!!" It's not that easy when it's you dying inside.

Trust me, you don't want her back and should run. But if you do want her, you must stick with the 180 or no-contact. I tried and my anxiety and insecurities made me blow getting her back, but did help me move on quick. Don't be afraid to come here to rant/vent/whatever. For me, this forum was better than my therapy. Just don't listen to the guys when they say "dude, she's banging everyone!" that will drive you crazy.
Made me send evil texts/emails which just messed up my efforts more. There are many stages if grief, that is a rollercoaster. Keep your cool and keep your dignity. ALWAYS keep the 'I don't need your a$$' attitude when she is around. Don't turn to drugs or rx's to cope. Thats another horror story of mine. PM me if you like. I've seen hell, and married the devil.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry you are going through this.

I'm going to give you some advice and that is go plant a voice activated recorder in her car and with in a few days you will get all your questions answered.

In short you picked the wrong one.

From were I'm sitting you need to let this one go and find one that can show you some respect....god... man the disrespect you are facing is sickening....respect your self and give her what she wants and have her served divorce papers at her favorite bar.

Let her new boyfriend take care of her ass for now on!


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