# Am I in the wrong here?



## Lostwife (Sep 2, 2009)

So about us.. He's 22 and im 21, yes we are both very young I know. We knew each other for a year before we got married and we're coming up on 2 years of being married here soon. He serves in the military and he's currently deployed. In the last 6 months alone I can't even count how many times he's said divorce to me. I'm not trying to put him down in this forum, I'm trying to understand what's going on. I believe I'm a very good wife, for being 21 I've only been in less than a handful of bars and only did it once with my husband. I rarely go out, only to see a movie or my family. So maybe like once a week I would say. I know it's not a healthy way to live - to isolate myself. But I'm just willing to do whatever to put his mind at ease about being away from me for a year. So tonight I was at another movie and he just says out of no where "I'm sick of all these ups and downs, etc" and i'm sitting there like what the hell.. What is he talking about. Well my dad passed away from cancer this January and it's been a VERY different life since that day. I know saving up money is always a goal but means for saying divorce is just an evil and an easy way out for the other I think. I mean we have more than enough to pay the bills, food, etc. We actually talked about that and I said what do you want to be rich someday and live all expensive? He said yes and for him to say that shocked me because he had a very hard childhood growing up so I didn't understand how he could want to live that unhappy rich life. I'm happy living in the middle class, If i get rich and hit it some day, so be it. I'm not going to slave my whole life being blind working and missing my life saving money up. Anyways that's what we've been tiffing about the last 2 months plus now.. 

In the last week alone he's accused me of being unfaithful and wanting divorce at least 15 times i swear. I go a couple of days without going out of the apartment. How could he dare say that. Well I started talking to someone online, it wasn't anything romantic - it was more of attention I guess you would say. I know better than to go romantic. We both even stopped and agreed to stop talking about whatever we did and limit it to saying hi now. So today I was so angry and pissed I told him about me talking with someone else. And guess what he jumps right into saying he wants to leave me if I don't say how I met someone I talked to. I don't see that as being something that needs to be disclosed if it'll hurt someone I was just talking to. As a matter of fact we don't talk anymore. It was more of an ear that listened that night. And maybe I was wrong bringing it up and making him overreact but I just felt like I should bring it up since I AM a good wife! 

There's so many things that want me to stay, like the fact that he had the final rights of helping carrying my father for the last time. And I don't want him to keep that, and even then I knew I didn't want him to do it. I don't know if that's wrong. I don't know if I should be the one to make this final because it seems like he wants it more than anything honestly. If someone brings something up enough times aren't they secretly wanting it? He said once he felt like giving up on our marriage but doesn't remember saying it one minute later. 

Is it hard to be the one who ended it. I don't want to be tied down to someone who isn't going to love all of me. And he says I stopped caring lately, it's because I've let who I am come out more rather than being "the perfect wife" he wants me to be. He threatens divorce on me too much. There was a point where he was the nice and understanding person and I was what he is. He never gave up on me then, do I owe him the same? But I don't recall saying divorce as much as him. Actually even when he was nice he would threaten to leave then too. 

I don't know if he forgot who I was when he met me or what but it's not fair to be the only one who changed in a relationship. Well at least for the better. I don't know if it would be easier to see if it'll work and be stuck in this rut for a long time or get out now while he's deployed  Because I don't want to cause him to do anything stupid. But honestly it feels like he WANTS the divorce but he just can't get enough courage to do it. I was thinking of up and joining the military and just getting away from everything. I use to think we had the same interests. But after my dad passed away, I just want to live, not save up money our whole life to give it to our children... Anyways like I said before I pretty much stay isolated in my apartment, so I don't talk to anyone. And when I talk to my husband it's him asking me why why why? 

Please try not to be harsh, and if you have an opinion that's harsh keep it to yourself please. Not that anyone here will.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

I won't be harsh but I will be honest...it sounds like he has someone else. When men encourage someone to divorce them over and over and over...there is someone else they are involved with or interested in and they are looking for an easy way out.

Being that young and in the military, the temptation is too great and most men aren't mature enough not to stray. And him accusing you of cheating is his way of hoping that maybe you are so he feels better about what he is doing.

I would at least file for a legal separation and find out what is really going on with this...

Preacher


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## waterloo (Sep 2, 2009)

Early years of marriage is tough. Especially so young. Building a realtionship is hard at best without insecurities, finances, careers (like the military) and even children (or the possibility).

Honesty and trust are #1. Being able to get to the point where you both can be honest will allow the trust. BUT there has to be some pretty big acceptance of what the other person may say. For example infidelity. You have to be ready to hear the other person say they have fooled around if you think they have.

Throwing in the towel is the easy way. Just ask him to be honest with you about everything that's bothering him. Tell him you can take it and you want it to work. Don't freak out at what he says (you will get your chance later). 

Small steps toward realizing an open and trustful relationship.


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