# Limbo and how long do you live in it?



## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am tired of feeling like this. One day I want my marriage, the next week I am sure I don't. Sometimes in just one day I will flip flop on it. Everything says to give it a year and not make any rash decisions, but I know me and cheating is a dealbreaker, yet I find myself loving the person I thought I was married to for 20 years only to realize maybe he was never who I thought he was. I am in so much pain, anger and confusion. My IC told me last week I had to stop living in limbo and she is right, but how long do you give it? I feel most days that I want out of the marriage and rarely feel like it's worth it for me to put in the work it would take to even begin to rebuild anything. It's been 7 months since the first day he admitted to cheating with hookers.


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## Seahawks (Jun 26, 2013)

I'm sitting on a year and a half and limbo is still were I would say I am. Have really bad and really good days.....still can't get over it and don't know if I could even if I did get divorced. I don't think I would be able to handle the guilt associatied with leaving my children anyway. So here I sit. Not really giving you much advice, just letting you know that you are not alone.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Vamp what is the rest of the story? Kids? How long married? What kind of affair? How did you find out? First affair or serial cheater?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

There are no rules, guidelines, rights or wrongs to surviving betrayal. Only you know where your limits are. When your done, you will know it. When you _know_ your done, don't allow guilt, shame, pride or fear convince you should try harder. Your the victim of a horrible crime. You aren't responsible for making it better, unless that's what _you_ want. 

Regardless of what happens, you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. Your a survivor. Your going to be ok. ;-)


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Angelvamp64 said:


> but I know me and cheating is a dealbreaker


There you have it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

The uncertainty will NOT subside with time, it will get worse and so will your fear, anger and resentment. If cheating is a deal breaker for you, you are only torturing yourself staying with the betrayer. 

Life's too short. Move on.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

Its a long story, but the short version is married for 20 years, two sons, 22 and 16. married to who I thought was the love of my life, we have survived so much, deaths, fire, cancer, poverty, you name it. But he always has had an addiction to porn, I didnt realize how bad it was and last August I found a list of numbers in an email he knows I go in a lot. They were prostitutes. He of course lied and lied until last November when I found his Google web history that he didnt know saved his searches and saw just how obsessed he was with them, well he admitted to one and for 7 months he has lied and minimized the whole thing, how many, what he did with them, how much he spent etc, etc. It has been hell and still is. He is in SA therapy and 12 step meetings, but I just dont care why he did it, SA or not I truly feel like the pain of this will kill me and I hate him. He wants to save the marriage but most of the time I don't, but don't want to leave him either, even though I am not sure why anymore. Just got through crying so much I vomited, cant stand the pain of the cheating, the lies the betrayal, its the worst pain I have ever been in and thats saying a lot if you knew my life. Just dont know what to do anymore


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## Garm (Mar 11, 2013)

It could be a lot worse. At least he is most likely not in love with prostitutes. My wife is deeply in love with her affair partner.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I do the same, one day I want it to work the next not so much. I am afraid my WS is in love with his OW - I know they tell each other they are even when he told me she was a mistake and he never should have let it happen. Um yeah ok and be sure and tell her she is a mistake so it will rip her freaking heart out, just like mine has been. 

Now I don't want him, but when he walks thru the door that may change. I hate the flip flop feeling.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

pollywog said:


> I do the same, one day I want it to work the next not so much. I am afraid my WS is in love with his OW - I know they tell each other they are even when he told me she was a mistake and he never should have let it happen. Um yeah ok and be sure and tell her she is a mistake so it will rip her freaking heart out, just like mine has been.
> 
> Now I don't want him, but when he walks thru the door that may change. I hate the flip flop feeling.


You will get to make that decision 1000 times and your answer may change every time but you know what, it's your answer to make so take all the time you need to make it.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

Cheating is cheating and for me personally him having sex 9 times he admits to hurts me more than words can describe. I told him again today that I am done, this after crying so much I vomited. I just can't do this.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Angelvamp64 said:


> Cheating is cheating


:iagree:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Your resentment will most like grow until you reach the point of no return.


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## debraarzn (Jul 8, 2013)

What kind of affair? How did you find out? First affair or serial cheater?


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## amahoy1971 (Nov 12, 2012)

for me has been 3 months since I discovered his infamous list. I feel like you ...confused but stronger. now I am eating and sleeping. The nightmares are less. I told him the divorce is imminent and I just need 6 months to take decisions using my brain. Go to couples counselling to see if this is fixable (I calculate this will take like 6 months/sessions) and if yes...I will give him a chance if he is fully committed to a life change (psychologist and treatments etc) or the short painful but quick way: the divorce.
Both will be painful.
His doctors will have to convince me he is really a SA and not just suffering a middle life crisis.
For now, I let him know I don't feel I love him, no desire, no trust 
He is trying to do the most he can...sometimes I feel sorry for him but an internal voice said to me: you deserve it a s s h o l e!


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

There are so many variables and factors. Each person is different. Many people will say "I'm outta here" the minute they find out, no matter how long married, kids, etc. Others(myself included) will be so stunned they literally don't know what to do.

I think a big part of it comes down to the remorse piece too. If your spouse is truly remorseful AND working to make things better on a DAILY basis then it's worth hanging on if you can. 

Each person has their own limits. You will know when the time is right.

Best of luck.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Angelvamp64 said:


> Its a long story, but the short version is married for 20 years, two sons, 22 and 16. married to who I thought was the love of my life, we have survived so much, deaths, fire, cancer, poverty, you name it. But he always has had an addiction to porn, I didnt realize how bad it was and last August I found a list of numbers in an email he knows I go in a lot. They were prostitutes. He of course lied and lied until last November when I found his Google web history that he didnt know saved his searches and saw just how obsessed he was with them, well he admitted to one and for 7 months he has lied and minimized the whole thing, how many, what he did with them, how much he spent etc, etc. It has been hell and still is. He is in SA therapy and 12 step meetings, but I just dont care why he did it, SA or not I truly feel like the pain of this will kill me and I hate him. He wants to save the marriage but most of the time I don't, but don't want to leave him either, even though I am not sure why anymore. Just got through crying so much I vomited, cant stand the pain of the cheating, the lies the betrayal, its the worst pain I have ever been in and thats saying a lot if you knew my life. Just dont know what to do anymore


I'm so sorry for your pain, my dear. I get choked up reading stuff like this.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Angelvamp64 said:


> I just can't do this.


Then don't. You don't have to, you know.


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