# Projection... Do you think he has a legitimate concern?



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Sorry to be a post-wh*re today, but I just needed a few opinions on this.
I know projection is common with cheaters, but I am highly annoyed with this case.

I dated a guy 7 years ago. We had an AWFUL relationship (abuse, cheating, all on his part). Now, we're best friends.
As a couple we were beyond horrible together, but he is a wonderful friend!
H knows this, he was the first friend I introduced him to when we started dating.
I've never hung out with him without my H but we do talk on the phone almost daily, just as I do with my female best friend.

We haven't actually spoken since January, his phone was shut off and got turned back on yesterday. So we were on the phone for a little when H was home. 
My friend asked to say to my H but H refused, said he was too busy.

Friend calls me back later that night, and when he calls me he always says "Whats up girlfriend!" as a joke. My H looked his friend who was here for a game of cards and proceeds to say "She's still in love with him. They talk every day, all day. She loves him more than me".

I'm not sure if is upset for a legitimate reason, or if it his paranoia since things haven't been going well.

I usually frown upon opposite sex friendships during marriage, but he and I are very close, and he is always one friend that is there for me when I need a shoulder. 

H called me on break, and says he was joking last night, but I don't believe him. I think it is one of those "hey this is a joke, haha, but I'm dead serious" things.

I told him if he was really concerned, I would no longer speak to my friend. That would be horrible for me, since I only have three friends, and I would miss him, but it is not worth causing problems in my marriage over.

Sorry to ramble, but what do you say?
Is he just projecting due to guilt and paranoia or would this be a legitimate concern to you?


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## showtime (Mar 18, 2010)

If I were your husband, that wouldn't be cool with me? And maybe that was a cry for help, without trying to be embarrassed on his part. Also, maybe he feels like it is too much to ask of you, since you have been friends with this guy for so long.And doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But I think your husband is serious, he is just trying to spare your feelings maybe. That's just my opinion though?


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you for your response!
I guess I'm just confused on how I went wrong with this. From day #1 they knew eachother, and he has conversations with my husbands, the play online games with eachother and such and this has come out of no where.

I do think my husband covered it as a joke to spare my feelings. He is a very sweet & usually non-confrontational guy. He does know it would hurt to lose one of my friends, but it would hurt me to lose him so much more.

Do you have any suggestions on how this friendship may work? My husband never answers these kind of questions.:/


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## showtime (Mar 18, 2010)

That is a very good question. If your husband has enough confidence in himself, and the marriage. Maybe he could be cool with it. But maybe there was something you did just a little different recently, that makes him question something? But I also think that if yousat him down and had a serious conversation with him about it, it would make him feel better, but at the same time, he could spare your feelings and just let it slide, until one day he explodes the situation into something much bigger, I don't know for sure, but if I were him, I would want it to stop, or at the very least, not so frequent, even if they are friends themselves. 

I know in my own relationship, I say the exact same things, and then later say I was just joking. But that is just the embarrasment and trying to spare my wifes feelings. In all reality I want what I want, and if she isn't responsive I let it slide, until I blow up. When I shouldh've nipped it in the bud from the beggining?


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

it's hard to say. That kind of comment could be suppressed feelings being revealed in a joke, or it could be a simple sarcastic joke with no double meaning.

The only person who can really answer that question is your H. However, if it's been years then I would imagine if he had a problem with it, it likely would have flared up by now.


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## showtime (Mar 18, 2010)

Also... Somethings just eventually come to a head, and enough is enough? 

But like Dryden said, only your husband knows the real answer.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

There have been things done recently, if you read back a couple of posts.
I tried to leave not too long ago, but this was before my friend contacted me again. We spoke just yesterday for the first time since January, so I'm not sure if he would blame my frustration with him, and trying to leave on my friend.

I have already spoken with my friend, who is very upset and told him we have to tone down the talking. 
I'm not sure how we can tone it down since we spent only 20 minutes on the phone yesterday, but we will.

I am going to try and sit down and have a talk with him, but I am pretty sure nothing will come of it. My husband is the same, showtime, and will cover his feelings to spare mine and pretend that nothing is bothering him until his breaking point.


As I said, there is no connection with what happened when I tried to leave and me speaking to my friend again, but maybe my H is connecting it somehow?

I really wish he would honestly tell me how he feels.
I know we are in a rough spot but his lack of communication makes it so much harder!
As I've told him before, he is my husband. In the end he will be there for me before my friends, and after my friends.


Dryden: Yes, that's the most confusing part. He was intoxicated when he said it, but usually he is more willing to communicate if intoxicated. I don't understand why the issue would be now, when H & I have been together for four years.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

+ Also, I feel that I am the one being... more transparent in our relationship.
He's gone through my phone, my computer, my purse, all through his paranoia when he had the A.
I have never had anything to hide, and my friend has never been inappropriate so I have no problem with him doing this.

I just feel like I am the one making up, and losing when essentially I am the "victim".


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## showtime (Mar 18, 2010)

breakable said:


> + Also, I feel that I am the one being... more transparent in our relationship.
> He's gone through my phone, my computer, my purse, all through his paranoia when he had the A.
> I have never had anything to hide, and my friend has never been inappropriate so I have no problem with him doing this.
> 
> I just feel like I am the one making up, and losing when essentially I am the "victim".


^^^ That's a whole other can of worms that I am not it the right place to comment on, as I am going through a similar situation.

But sometimes I need ordered around a little. And by that I mean, If my wife had sat me down, and said "hey this is what's going on" instead of hinting around the subject. We would be better off.

That being said, sit your husband down, make him focus real hard on the situation, and don't end the conversation until it is resolved!! And have a plan for the future when stuff like this comes up.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

breakable said:


> Dryden: Yes, that's the most confusing part. He was intoxicated when he said it, but usually he is more willing to communicate if intoxicated. I don't understand why the issue would be now, when H & I have been together for four years.


Hmm, in that case I would lean more towards it being some suppressed feelings that he's had for some time then. 

They might not be VERY serious feelings, but rather something that bothers him a little bit that he's usually able to cover up or look past. 

When we're intoxicated, the filter that is between our brain and our mouth seems to thin so we're more willing to say stuff that we might not usually. 

If he's anything like I can be, then he might feel like this friend takes a higher priority in your life than he does. It may not be the case, but it's surprising how often it can seem that way. The comment could be a little cry for help with an underlying meaning of 'Hey, I wish you seemed so excited to talk to me or spend time with me like you do with your friend.'

The friend being an ex is probably like icing on the jealousy cake too. Close friendships with members of the opposite sex tend to bring out the green eyed monster even if we don't want it to.


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I spoke with my husband last night, and he told me he was joking.
He said he's never had a problem before, why would he now, and told me to drop it.

I'm still not so convinced he was joking, and just in case I am taking precautions.
I told my friend less time on the phone, and we don't need to talk everyday.

H invited friend over tonight, but I got a text from H saying he had to work a double tonight, and he was very upset.
I've already called my friend and told him what time H would be home, and said if thats too late he can come over another day.

I don't really know what else I can do to keep him comfortable since he says nothing is wrong?


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