# He threatens to leave me...to control me.



## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

My husband is constantly using abandonment as his control over me. And it's killing me. 

Please make some suggestions. 
Today at lunch (while out of town) he kept telling me horrible things and people near us could hear. He's mad about his job. He's mad that mine is talking off and his isn't. He's constantly mad. So I tried to make peace and grab his hand and tell him "well you gave me and I believe in you". He said "yeah right". I ignored the horrible remark. 

So I said how would you define a good life? His response was "my old life. The life I had when I met you. I was very happy. Then you trashed it". I took that to mean that I "destroyed it". He said he meant that I didn't appreciate what he had. (I wanted to move into a house we could have together. Instead of move into the home he built and shared with his ex...which we still live in). He said that he can't stand the fact that I don't appreciate it the way I should. He says I should do more to make it my own. Then he got mad that I don't use the Gym as often as he does. I like to run. Always have. He said that any woman would rave about his house, his gym and his neighborhood and since I don't use the gym it's proof that I am simply not happy. 

When he said that he defines happy life as his "old life before me"... I couldn't help it but I started to cry. I held it in but he could see the tears. It hurt badly ... so he said you know let's cancel our order. I can't stay here and witness you manipulate me in public. So I said ok... we canceled our order and left. As we walked out he said he was going to get his bag out of the hotel room and find his own way home and that he was leaving me. (He's mad because he is struggling with his job because he was NOT paying attention to his work and more worried about me....and he lost his previous position.

I began sobbing. I tried not to. But again I was feeling destroyed. He said if I didn't stop crying that he was going to take off running away from me. 

Which made it worse. Then he did. He took of in the other direction. I turned around and said oh my God. This was in public! We were at a mall! 

He said well if you don't want me to leave you. Stop crying. He ran after me as I walked to the car. We got in the car and he said he is very unhappy watching me act this way and that I leave him no choice but to feel like he needs to leave me. 

I started screaming that he needs to stop threatening to leave me everyday to make me happy! I can't feel so horrible and be happy! Ever. 

He said that I just enjoy this vulnerablity I put him in. I said "YOU" are the one threatening to leave. I never do! Ever. And I cry out of pain when you do it....

He left to eat lunch while I had to go pick up my daughter. He said he didn't expect me to come back and get him since I was acting so awful. 

I am in pain. How do I fix this?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Frankly? Dump the useless jerk.

He's an emotionally abusive partner, who has no bearing on real life, or how he should treat you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to leave him. It's that simple.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

^This was my answer after reading the title before I even read your first post which didn't say anything the title of your thread already did.

How do you deal with a controlling, verbally abusive partner who threatens to leave you?

You beat them to it.

Now it's clear that leaving him is the last thing from your mind. If you start to entertain those thoughts you will probably find yourself full of anxiety and fear. That's normal. 

So do it in small steps, and one step doesn't HAVE to lead to another. Find a good friend or relative and move in with them. When he invariably asks you WTF are you doing, you tell him that based on several things you've said to him lately you're reevaluating what you want in your life, where you want to go with it, and who you want to do it with.

That will wipe the smug look right off his cowardly face faster than you can say "I'm filing for divorce".

You just "might" see a change in his attitude once he no longer takes you for granted.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

This man hates himself and is taking it out on you... you must walk your own path far away from him or you will never find peace.

His abuse is upsetting... there is no love in him for either of you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is unraveling his wedding suit, and your beautiful gown, with it.

He is very depressed, needs anti-anxiety medication.....oh, and as many anti-meany pills you can shove in his trap.

See if you can do an "intervention" on/with him....family members, friends, whoever. Tell him he is going to lose the same marriage that he is trying to throw away.

Only do, "this" if he is "worth it".

If he was once a gem, maybe he can be re-polished to a shine. Will he glisten? Doubt it.....your' call, Dear.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

We ended up having a blow up over Over all of this. I told him to PLEASE stop threatening the relationship! I screamed. Yelled. And cried. I said I can not take any more of these horrible words. 

I said please apologize and he wouldn't. He eventually did. But said "you need to apologize a lot more". So stupid. 

Then an HOUR later we were with my daughter walking around and I got a text from my friend who just recently married a well off man. He asked what I was looking at. I said that my friend texted. And I told my husband that she said they just bought a new house. 

He immediately texted me and said "go find yourself a millionaire". "Go on online dating and find the man like him. Clearly I'm not for you. You keep beating me and beating me down". 

I said you couldn't go an HOUR without saying I should leave...seriously? He said it's clear that I want someone else....

Seriously? He just does not listen or learn. 

Leaving him may be the healthiest thing but I admit that I feel very scared. He has really gotten to me and I don't even have friends anymore. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

How do I get the strength? The idea hurts me terribly. And he keeps expecting me to leave. He says that's why he says that. Because he just wants me to leave now if I'm gonna leave.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm struggling to believe this thread. 

It's something in my gut. I hope it is misconstruing or projecting.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Goodness... whether you realize it or not, you daughter is depending on you to make the decisions best for her as well.

I don't believe in a hell, but the way you describe your relationship with your husband conjures up some vivid imagery... I don't believe your spiritual soul is in any less threat.

Do you work or have means to support yourself even minimally? Family you can go stay with?

Even uncertainty is healthier than where you are although here uncertainty is very akin to freedom.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

As long as he knows you're afraid of abandonment he will continue to manipulate and hurt you. 

So, only you can decide for yourself that he has NO power over you. 

Trust me, from the sound of it, losing him is no great loss. You deserve someone that treats you much better.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> I'm struggling to believe this thread.
> 
> It's something in my gut. I hope it is misconstruing or projecting.


Doesn't matter whether this particular story is true or not. It's true often enough.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

caruso said:


> Doesn't matter whether this particular story is true or not. It's true often enough.


I think that's subjective. I don't think this happens often, at all. At least, not the manner explained here. I've seen this kind of interpretation before. I think I used something similar when I was less mature and wanted to make others think I was innocent of any wrongdoing. 

The trouble is, no one is addressing that. So, it's truly not something that happens often. Unless you mean men getting fooled by a woman with a sad story and a tear in her eye. Of course, in real life, she'd have to have a pretty face, too. Online, most men imagine the ideal face that matches the voice in their head.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are stuck in an abuse cycle and need help getting out of it. Please go see a psychiatrist or counselor. Maybe a counselor at an organization that helps victims of abuse. They are well versed on how to get you unstuck.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> I think that's subjective. I don't think this happens often, at all. At least, not the manner explained here.


Seem like a ton of stories about dysfunctional, abusive relationships, at least on here and forums like this one but yes, who knows what the actual prevalence is. On here we're not looking at a random sampling.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

missyhouse7 said:


> Seriously? He just does not listen or learn.
> 
> Leaving him may be the healthiest thing but I admit that I feel very scared. He has really gotten to me and I don't even have friends anymore.


You know the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. He won't change, he'll only get worse and you constantly questioning him waiting for answers you'll never receive will perpetuate this same unhealthy dynamic.

If you can't or won't leave him then at least break the cycle. 

Stop setting yourself up for what is always his typical reaction. Stop asking him questions that you know will only result in an angry outburst and don't react to those outbursts when they occur, you're only feeding him. 

When he gets like that just remove yourself from the situation, go to another room, go for a walk, go anywhere but don't just sit there and take it from him.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

That's the thing. If I don't speak when he starts this..he says I am withdrawn and expects that to mean that I will leave. 

If I go for a walk he will Tell me if I go ...he won't be there when I return. He Says that's me abandoning him. I have left for a walk before recently and he was still there. Just more pissed.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

missyhouse7 said:


> That's the thing. If I don't speak when he starts this..he says I am withdrawn and expects that to mean that I will leave.
> 
> If I go for a walk he will Tell me if I go ...he won't be there when I return. He Says that's me abandoning him. I have left for a walk before recently and he was still there. Just more pissed.


He's not going anywhere. 

It's all one big bluff. If you stood up to him and said "Good, leave!" he wouldn't know what to do. 

He'd probably start crying.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

That's true. He won't leave. But this negativity doesn't stop. And I hate the words


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Try these


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

caruso said:


> Seem like a ton of stories about dysfunctional, abusive relationships, at least on here and forums like this one but yes, who knows what the actual prevalence is. On here we're not looking at a random sampling.


There are. Were there ever any that gave you a gut feeling that something wasn't right? You didn't know what that was, but that didn't change the feelings?

Oh, by the way, I didn't mean there weren't many threads on here about abuse. You misunderstood my post. It was about the prevalence of exaggeration.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Often posts like these leave me scratching my head. If what you are saying is completely true, I don't know how you could live with this another minute. I mean, why the fear of leaving? He humiliates you in public, he's nasty all the time, he threatens you. I'd rather be scared of an unknown future than living in fear with a known abuser. 

What is so terrible about living without him? Because living with him sounds like hell on earth. I just don't get it. Seriously.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

missyhouse7 said:


> That's true. He won't leave. But this negativity doesn't stop. And I hate the words


Just leave. Take your daughter and go live somewhere else. 

I agree with one of the previous posters, that he hates himself, envies the lives of others, and finds you to be a convenient punching bag for all his anger and discontent.

The man is dysfunctional, and has no business being in a relationship. Pack your bags.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Were there ever any that gave you a gut feeling that something wasn't right?


Of course, and I've been right many more times than not. 

For what it's worth I'm not getting it here.

There are some bizarre couplings out there. Bizarre to everyone except of course the people living in it.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

What's his side of the story, OP?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> What's his side of the story, OP?


She can't tell you that!

Only he can.

By definition.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Often posts like these leave me scratching my head. If what you are saying is completely true, I don't know how you could live with this another minute. I mean, why the fear of leaving? He humiliates you in public, he's nasty all the time, he threatens you. I'd rather be scared of an unknown future than living in fear with a known abuser.
> 
> What is so terrible about living without him? Because living with him sounds like hell on earth. I just don't get it. Seriously.


If they both left their marriages to be with each other, she's going to hold on for dear life. What are people going to think if the man you left your ex for was a mistake. 

Don't know if the ex was a long time husband and father of her kid but I've noticed from reading the threads of WWs on LS that they value their OM far above their BHs, throwing away 20 + year marriages with kids to run off with their soulmate that they've known for a few months.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jsmart said:


> If they both left their marriages to be with each other, she's going to hold on for dear life. What are people going to think if the man you left your ex for was a mistake.


Good point. Sadly, people with broken "partner pickers" will often stick it out rather than admit another screw-up. Still, it seems like a ridiculously high price to pay. 

And I would love to hear the husband's side of this. I mean, the OP seems to break down in tears most of the time while the husband just rants and carries on. Seems a bit skewed to me ...


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You don't want to leave because that makes this jerk turn out to be right.

That's all there is to it.

Get over your fear of proving him right, and you'll be able to leave this miserable relationship.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Go to the courthouse. Somewhere near the Domestic Relations section, I would almost bet, there is a Domestic Violence section that will be more than happy to help you get out safely with your children. I say I would almost bet because there is one near the Domestic Relations section at my county courthouse. That is, if you live in the United States.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> You don't want to leave because that makes this jerk turn out to be right.
> 
> That's all there is to it.
> 
> Get over your fear of proving him right, and you'll be able to leave this miserable relationship.


If only it was that simple. Unfortunately there's more too it than that.

*Edited to add*: Based on the post by the Op after this one, apparently that IS all there is to it.

Fear of not being able to survive financially, fears of rebooting her life over again, fear of the affect a broken home may have on the children, fear of being a failure in marriage and in life, and there's always elements of Stockholm syndrome where an abused person actually bonds with their captor and does not leave even if they're given the opportunity to escape.



2ntnuf said:


> Go to the courthouse. Somewhere near the Domestic Relations section, I would almost bet, there is a Domestic Violence section that will be more than happy to help you get out safely with your children. I say I would almost bet because there is one near the Domestic Relations section at my county courthouse. That is, if you live in the United States.


I missed the point where she said she thinks she's in danger. Being nasty and verbally abusive doesn't make him a threat to her health and safety. 

Although she could turn the tables on him and file a restraining order and get his a$$ kicked out of the house that might give him a much needed reality check. Not saying it's right, but it's certainly an option.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

You are absolutely right. Aside from my intense fear of being alone, I do not want to let him and his family prove me wrong. 

Right now if I leave (since he is losing money) he will tell the world that I just wanted him for money. But I have always made money and still make an average living. 

But I do not want him and the nay Sayers to be right. He keeps saying I knew you wanted to leave. I knew you were temporary. And I never was...but I am seriously exhausted by his hateful words.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

missyhouse7 said:


> You are absolutely right. Aside from my intense fear of being alone, I do not want to let him and his family prove me wrong. But I do not want him and the nay Sayers to be right.


Damn. I'd never have believed it if I didn't just read it here with my own eyes. 

Well @missyhouse7, I guess you win.

Give yourself a pat on the back.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I know I post a lot about narcissists on here but a lot of you happen to be married to narcissists 

If you leave him, he will do his best to not let you go. He will manipulate, connive, grovel, pretend to be sorry...in an attempt for you not to go. Because saying he wants to leave you is just a game to control you. He doesn't intend on doing. Narcissists are very into this type of thing, so my advice? The next time he threatens this, say ''I've been thinking, you're right. I don't think we belong together anymore, and I want out.''

You will see a look on his face that you have never seen before, and he will yell and scream, and then grovel, and all of it at once, and I'd seriously follow through. You deserve way better than this whining, narcissistic jerk. Hope things get better for you!


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

I do believe I have Stockholm syndrome. I just looked it up. Absolutely. I have been beaten down. Very badly.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So stay. But just quit crying. After all, he sounds like a hateful person. Just leave the house when he starts up. It sounds like he won't leave no matter what you do, so at least save yourself from his wrath. 

This is a sad excuse of a marriage. After all, he's determined to prove you only married him for money. That means he thinks you are nothing more than a gold digger, I guess. You are determined to prove his family wrong. Stay and suck it up. Sounds like an extremely high price to pay to prove yourself right.

I don't know what type of advice you are seeking. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. Me? I'd ignore the jacka$$ and do my own thing. But I have a hunch he may escalate to getting physical. After all, if you stop being a blubbering, sobbing mess and stand up for yourself he will be threatened big-time.

Like I said, I have NO idea what type of advice you want here.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

And I'd like to add I absolutely, positively cannot comprehend people who are afraid of being alone. Better to stay in a miserable sh!t sucking relationship than be alone with peace and quiet? I am sincerely baffled. I lived with an alcoholic. I saw it all and I heard it all. I live in a studio apartment with my 13 year old cat. I am grateful every single day I have peace in my life. I don't have much, but I am very happy. 

Sorry. But I simply cannot wrap my head around anyone claiming they are afraid to be alone. There are clubs to join, people to meet, friends to make ... I cannot fathom why someone would give up their own power, their own destiny, and their own sanity rather than be "alone."


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

I'm not saying staying is a must. But I do envy your strength and independence. I think it comes from our family. I can financially survive on my own. Prob better than being with him. He's dragging me down. But I'm not about money. I also don't understand how he can't see that. 

HE is about money. He defines himself that way. And btw he told me today that his job is far more important than mine because he impacts more lives. I said did you just say That? He said yes. Loud and clear. My job is more important than yours and pleasing your bosses. 

I said you are Unbelievable. He says no you just need to stop poking me because I don't take your poking well and you will get it back 10 times worse.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> You need to leave him. It's that simple.


This ^^^


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude's pathetic. You can do much better. What is the benefit to stay except not confronting your fears?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

missyhouse7 said:


> He says no you just need to stop poking me because I don't take your poking well and you will get it back 10 times worse.


Well you can't say he's wrong on that part.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

missyhouse7 said:


> He's dragging me down. But I'm not about money. I also don't understand how he can't see that.
> 
> HE is about money. He defines himself that way. And btw he told me today that his job is far more important than mine because he impacts more lives.


There is nothing particularly brave or courageous about me. I just don't want to play the role of victim any longer.

I still don't know what advice you are seeking here. Who cares what he is about? He's not posting. You are. So what is it about your family that has turned you into someone who refuses to leave an abusive guy? So he's all about money. Great. You are not. 

Again, I am just trying to figure out what you are looking for on TAM. This is a forum for advice. Granted, some people stay on here forever just to whine about their plight. Fine by me. If that is what you want to do, go for it. Just don't expect anyone to respond after awhile.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Again, I am just trying to figure out what you are looking for on TAM. This is a forum for advice. Granted, some people stay on here forever just to whine about their plight. Fine by me. If that is what you want to do, go for it. Just don't expect anyone to respond after awhile.


Her original post asked "how do I fix this?" and the answer is that she can't. He's the one who creates this situation and so he's got to be the one to change it. But that type of person will not change, because they cannot admit that they are wrong.

If you aren't willing to leave, seek counselling for yourself to help you get past your fear of being judged.

Next time he tries to control you, insist on marriage counselling as well. Tell him you don't want to leave, but he continues to create a marriage that isn't any fun to be in anymore. He will not take you up on that offer, but at least you can later say that you didn't want to leave but he wouldn't consider counselling.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP is your husband your daughter's father? 

I feel sad for you OP, I really do, but I feel more for your poor daughter having to live like this. You are choosing this, by staying you're making a clear choice. She has no say or choice, she has to live in this awful environment.

Do you want her to grow up thinking this is normal for married people?


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

No I don't. And I realize that I am exhausted by all of this. It has me so sad and low ... 

The other thing is he talks to his family about me and he uses them to complain about me. Now he says that they do not like me and that is just another problem that I have created.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So, what are your plans for leaving?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to woman up and get put of this, who cares what he says after you are gone. This kind of stuff he pulls can lead to physical abuse.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

missyhouse7 said:


> No I don't. And I realize that I am exhausted by all of this. It has me so sad and low ...
> 
> The other thing is he talks to his family about me and he uses them to complain about me. Now he says that they do not like me and that is just another problem that I have created.


So you know what to expect from every angle... there are no surprises left but the one he will be left with when your courage shows through.

If your daughter is past being a toddler, she will notice your courage too.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

If your daughter was grown, and was in a relationship with a jerk that was emotionally abusing her... What would you tell her?


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

missyhouse7 said:


> I said you are Unbelievable. He says no you just need to stop poking me because I don't take your poking well and you will get it back 10 times worse.




Your relationship should be about a partnership and building each other up. How the heck will that happen if he's getting back at you "10 times worse"?! This guy is a jerk, and is making your life miserable. Do you want this life to be a role model for your daughter? Do you want her to grow up thinking this is normal, and THIS is what she should be looking for in her own relationships? Do you want him to start saying all this nasty stuff to her? Trust me. You are the first stepping stone. When he has you beaten down, he will start on her. Don't let him get that far. Don't let him ruin your life.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

we had a long talk (fight) about this last night. I told him OVERALL -- the One thing I beg for everyday -- is security. I want to know that no matter what, we are going to be together and that I can't feel good about anything if he continuously talks about leaving me...or telling ME to leave HIM. It's just very unsettling. He says "well don't push me then....into saying that" "Don't act weird.." I said WHAT? How am I acting weird and if I am acting "weird" why does that mean you need to tell me to leave or that you are "done". 

He says that sometimes I am withdrawn or quiet and that he thinks that means I want to leave. I said you are mad ALL the time these days. You are angry about work, finances etc....ALL the time. And when I'm quiet...I'm trying not to react to your constant upset nature. He said "well why are you with me then? Why don't you just go find someone who is better than me?" 

I said...YOU CAN'T GO ONE MINUTE! You have to say something about leaving ALL the time! He said that it was my fault because I just told him that he's a horrible person... I said "no" I am explaining why I might be quiet or not chattering on and on. 

He said that I make him feel worthless because he is losing his position. I said HOW do I MAKE YOU FEEL WORTHLESS? He couldn't answer that directly (because I DO NOT!) I am always supportive. 

I reminded him that I met his anger the other morning with a kiss and told him I am behind him...and supporting him and his response was "yeah right..." 

He said well what do you want me to do? You just want to play your "little game" and try to turn on me and it's just "not going to work because I am too smart for you...." 

I finally just stopped talking and got on my computer because it was clear that he will NEVER get what I am trying to say.

He is mad he is taking a demotion. He's mad that he is no longer the big shot with the big paycheck. He's mad that he can't go skiing this year with friends. He's mad that he has to "start all over" in his job position. He's mad that he can't "make me happy" and "give me the world" ... and he's mad that I have to work so hard ...and he can't control that. 

The ONLY way I think he will be happy again...is if he wins the lotto or comes into a large sum of money. He makes well above the average salary (he used to make much more)....but that's not good enough for him. And he says he has no desire to work hard anymore. 

I said why not....he said "why should I...so I can earn a lot more.. and have you run off with it when you divorce me? No way"





chatabox said:


> Your relationship should be about a partnership and building each other up. How the heck will that happen if he's getting back at you "10 times worse"?! This guy is a jerk, and is making your life miserable. Do you want this life to be a role model for your daughter? Do you want her to grow up thinking this is normal, and THIS is what she should be looking for in her own relationships? Do you want him to start saying all this nasty stuff to her? Trust me. You are the first stepping stone. When he has you beaten down, he will start on her. Don't let him get that far. Don't let him ruin your life.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think you would be much happier without him and should start taking steps to be able to live happily on your own. 



missyhouse7 said:


> we had a long talk (fight) about this last night. I told him OVERALL -- the One thing I beg for everyday -- is security. I want to know that no matter what, we are going to be together a.. snipo


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

How does one get the guts to just -- leave? 

My entire life has revolved around him and I do not know if I have the strength to avoid his begging and pleading (and threatening) me to come back...

We broke up once before (last year) and I left him. It was a similar scenario ...and I didn't last more than a day and I came home.

But, as Ele Girl pointed out here -- it was the exact same cycle. I returned and it didn't take more than a few days for things to go right back the way they were. 

The insecurity that he is projecting is really HIS insecurity. He says leave... go....i'm done... etc etc because he says he thinks that is what I want or what I am going to eventually do.

I ran away from him last year because I did not feel secure with his constant statements of "I'm done" "Maybe we moved too fast.." "I can't do this anymore..." 

He can't help himself. So basically anytime he says those things I am supposed to just smile?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Why are you wasting your time with this maggot? Do you find joy in marinading in his worthlessness?

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAVE. THERE IS NO REDEEMING QUALITY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

marinading in his worthlessness...boy isn't that the truth. You are right.

I think it's just the co dependency in me .....I stay..I try to make it work. I try to be the strong one to prove that I am truly there for him.

But, it's hard when he says he has no energy to "work hard anymore" and doesn't even have the desire to build himself back to what he once was.. 

I can't do it for him...and when I tell him that ....he says well, what are you telling me? You don't want to be with me anymore? Is that what this means? You know that you are going to sink with this ship ...don't you? 

That's his response when I tell him that I need him to step up and be a team player... and not wallow....


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

missyhouse7 said:


> How does one get the guts to just -- leave?
> 
> My entire life has revolved around him and I do not know if I have the strength to avoid his begging and pleading (and threatening) me to come back...
> 
> ...


A) Pack your bags and leave. 
B) Contact an attorney immediately. File for divorce.
C) Block his calls, email, and any social media.
D) If he tries to contact you. Get a restraining order.
E) If he breaks the restraining order call the police.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You shouldn't be afraid to be alone. You've been alone, utterly all alone the entire time. You do not have a marriage. It was never there. Pack you bags and walk out, one foot in front of the other.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

missyhouse7 said:


> We ended up having a blow up over Over all of this. I told him to PLEASE stop threatening the relationship! I screamed. Yelled. And cried. I said I can not take any more of these horrible words.
> 
> I said please apologize and he wouldn't. He eventually did. But said "you need to apologize a lot more". So stupid.
> 
> ...


There is not a single thing about leaving and being on your own that could possibly be as scary as this relationship! Get out now!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KillerClown said:


> A) Pack your bags and leave.
> B) Contact an attorney immediately. File for divorce.
> C) Block his calls, email, and any social media.
> D) If he tries to contact you. Get a restraining order.
> E) If he breaks the restraining order call the police.


I quoted this to emphasize it. This is how you leave and how you make sure that you do not give into his begging you to come back. You just never let him near you again. You never listen to what he has to say again.

If you do not leave him, you will become someone who you hate. Well you are already someone who you hate, aren't you? You have become a shell of yourself. Do you really want to continue like this?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

missyhouse7 said:


> No I don't. And I realize that I am exhausted by all of this. It has me so sad and low ...
> 
> The other thing is he talks to his family about me and he uses them to complain about me. Now he says that they do not like me and that is just another problem that I have created.


In the Ladies Lounge there is a story of a disabled woman leaving her very abusive husband. The title is domestic violence. It is the story of a person who felt powerless and found internal strength she did not know was there. I would suggest you go read some of that. Use her as inspiration to find YOUR strength. Find your peace.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I quoted this to emphasize it. This is how you leave and how you make sure that you do not give into his begging you to come back. You just never let him near you again. You never listen to what he has to say again.
> 
> If you do not leave him, you will become someone who you hate. Well you are already someone who you hate, aren't you? You have become a shell of yourself. Do you really want to continue like this?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

missyhouse7 said:


> How does one get the guts to just -- leave?
> He can't help himself.


Actually, _yes he can_! Believe me when I tell you that this guy knows _exactly_ what he's doing. 



> So basically anytime he says those things I am supposed to just smile


. 

Pretty much. You're supposed to smile and reassure him. Jump through hoops to 'soothe' him.

And of course, never leave him, _no matter how crappy he treats you_. 

You are in a catch-22 right now. If you stay with him, he will threaten to leave you and continue to tell you that eventually, you're going to leave him. If you leave him, he'll tell "everyone" that he _knew all along _that you "never" loved him and that you left him (as if that's a 'bad' thing)

Telling you that he knows you're going to leave him would be like me saying, "See? I was _right!_ I _knew_ the sun was going to come up today!" I mean, it's a great big 'Duh'. After all, what _self-respecting _woman would _voluntarily_ stay with a man who treats her the way he's treating you? 

Believe me when I tell you that this guy doesn't respect you for putting up with his behavior. You can't "love" him into loving himself, nor can you convince him to love you by sticking around. Deep down, he would respect you more if you left. Permanently. Of course, he'll never tell you that. 

You really have 2 choices: Stay with him and endure his crap...or leave.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

And Missy. Come here and get support from the good people like Ele who have stood in your shoes.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

I just went back to read all the responses and I think I missed this one... 

How would I have caused this? Why don't you believe my narrative? What is it that makes you think that I am to blame?

Hoenstly, I want to find out if there's something that I could do to stop this. I don't think there is though. If I"m quiet, that's a problem. If I don't decide things FOR him -- that's a problem. But, help me here: Is this MY fault? 

If so, how?



2ntnuf said:


> I think that's subjective. I don't think this happens often, at all. At least, not the manner explained here. I've seen this kind of interpretation before. I think I used something similar when I was less mature and wanted to make others think I was innocent of any wrongdoing.
> 
> The trouble is, no one is addressing that. So, it's truly not something that happens often. Unless you mean men getting fooled by a woman with a sad story and a tear in her eye. Of course, in real life, she'd have to have a pretty face, too. Online, most men imagine the ideal face that matches the voice in their head.


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## missyhouse7 (Oct 2, 2016)

Totally True, Vega! 

Completely....and the problem is he just wants to blame me for everything and the BIGGER problem is that I fall for it and I truly hurt from it... 

I don't have the shell around me...to just take all this crap without absorbing it. Trust me, I have tried. Even a few times I have seen him FLIP out and I have gone up to him and hugged him (while he is flailing around) and he will say ... "what are you doing?" I would say...I am here for you ...I am not going to fight. I'm here for you. What do you need...

He will respond by saying... I need for you to get a grip with reality. You are acting very bizarrre and you are trying to play mind games with me. 

So, I have pretty much determined that ANY response that I give him -- will be a problem for him. I can't even ignore him....because he says that's disrespectful to him, too.



Vega said:


> Actually, _yes he can_! Believe me when I tell you that this guy knows _exactly_ what he's doing.
> 
> .
> 
> ...


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

missyhouse7 said:


> Totally True, Vega!
> 
> Completely....and the problem is he just wants to blame me for everything and the BIGGER problem is that I fall for it and I truly hurt from it...
> 
> ...


Missy,

Yes, you fall for it. But even if you didn't, and you were able to immediately recognize what he's doing and call him on his crap, it wouldn't matter. Eventually, you would become exhausted from trying to prove to this guy that you love him. Eventually, you would leave. 

You're not going to 'win' this. He's _determined_ to always be right, even if he has to lie in order to be right (such as denying something he said that you KNOW he said). His motive is to always have the 'upper hand' in the relationship, and to keep you off-balance. He doesn't want an equal partnership; he wants to be _superior_ and to prove to you that you're inferior. He'll tell you that you're acting "bizarre" and "playing mind games" with _him_, when it is really _he_ who is playing mind games with you. 

He wants you to _doubt_ yourself and your own reality. He wants you to rely on _him_ for your reality. If you don't--if you _question_ him, you are 'proving' to him that you don't really 'love' him. 

The only thing you can do to save your sanity is to _get as far away from him as you can._ I know it's easier said than done. You've already tried to do it before, and even though you came back to him, you DID prove to yourself that you're stronger than you think and that you _do_ have it in you to leave him.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> A) Pack your bags and leave.
> 
> B) Contact an attorney immediately. File for divorce.
> 
> ...





C. C is the most important step for you. Block him. Block him everywhere. If you have an iPhone, you can block his calls and txt messages. Block his Facebook, block his email. Any other social media you may have. Everything! THIS is the way you gather the strength to stay away. When you don't have him in your face telling you he was right. Because he will. But be prepared for that!


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