# Feelings - that I don't want - for someone else..



## BDevon81 (Jun 21, 2012)

This is my first ever post. I've signed up today because I need some advice. 

I've been with my husband for 6 years and love him more than anything. I need to make it clear before I go on that I have no intention to leave him or betray him in any way. 

I have worked with the "other man" for 2 years. I've felt a physical and emotional attraction from the start. It isn't usual for me to have feelings like this for other people; even when I was single I didn't tend to feel so attached to people (until I met my husband obviously). 

I try to avoid this man as much as possible. I've missed the last two Christmas parties and big work nights out and I only socialise with other smaller groups of colleagues that he isn't part of. He's a lovely man and probably thinks I'm crazy as I can easily chat to him when I'm working with him and then almost blank him at other times - some days I try to avoid eye contact all together. The problem is I think about him all the time and my husband has started to notice that something isn't right. I've told him I'm stressed at work (true, technically) but I can't go on like this.

I've vowed to forsake all others and intend to do just that. I've taken the step to leave my job and have a new one lined up ready to start next month. The job is a step up with a different company so it hasn't raised any suspicion. 

My dilema now comes down to, do I just move on and hope this doesn't happen again? Should I come clean? Are some people prone to this? I'm worried I'll start this new job and it'll happen again although, as I said, it hasn't happened before. I just feel like a horrible wife. I'd be devastated if I thought my husband had feelings like this for another woman.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

It is great that you recognize this is a problem, and that you are taking steps to solve it by getting a new job. There are pros and cons to disclosing this. On the plus side, you show him you are choosing him and that you are actively removing yourself. That can build trust. On the other hand, it may hurt him (like it would hurt you) and make him feel insecure. You know your husband better, so I will leave it to your judgment on how he would receive it. If you decide to tell him, some feedback here may be helpful to get the wording right.

I do suggest getting some alone time with hubby to bond again. A weekend away where you can date each other and reconnect.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Sounds like you love your husband but you're not IN love with him. Help him to take steps to help you fall IN love with him again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Daaaaaaaaang. 2 years is a long time to be crushing on someone at work. And you say nothing happened? YOU SURE?????? You can tell us. Trust us, we have head it all. 

You are doing the right thing by moving shop (new job). In the future, if you find yourself feel attached to someone: ABORT mission! And yep, telling your husband may just be what you need in order to stop/nip it in the bud pronto.


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## BDevon81 (Jun 21, 2012)

Thank you to everyone for your advice. Telling him would make me feel better but maybe I'd be being selfish. I think telling him would be more hurtful to him than helpful but I definitely think some quality time would be beneficial. He's very busy with work a lot of the time - he always has been - and I do feel emotionally neglected at times (not that this is any excuse!) even though I know he's working hard for US.

Jellybeans, I promise you that nothing has happened. We both interviewed for our jobs on the same day and I've carried a torch for him ever since. We both attended a work night out a few weeks later when he - drunkenly - confessed to a crush on me. I didn't know what to say so I changed the subject and didn't acknowledge it in any way and it hasn't been spoken of since. I wasn't married at that point (I've been with my husband for 6 years but we only got married last year) so he wasn't coming on to someone's wife. I've been avoiding big work nights ever since. I know he wouldn't say anything now as he isn't the sort of person to pursue a married woman but I don't trust myself in that environment.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Bdevon, I've been in a similar situation to where you're at now - having a crush on someone who you work with, and although your intentions seem noble (given your circumstances) by avoiding your crush, you are not being entirely successful or truthful.

I say truthful because you say you avoid him, but still ending up in social settings with your crush.

I say successful because you are still ending up in social settings with your crush, which is causing you to 'bond' with him, and him with you.

Do you understand the feelings you have that come from having this crush render you unable to see your circumstance in an objective manner? And furthermore, the longer you stay in contact with your crush the more hazy your view on the 'relationship' will be.

Other posters have told you, and will tell you, not to tell your husband, citing this will hurt him. This is correct, it will hurt him. But it's not your job to protect his feelings, that's his job, and he can protect his feelings best by being fully immersed in reality - that is to say if he knows everything that going on in his/your life, then he can take the best actions and make the best decisions he is capable of.

Not telling your husband is just protecting yourself, and keeping the situation as to where deeper feelings between yourself and your crush can be developed, outside of his sight and reach.

Tell him. Today. Wouldn't you want to know if it was him with the crush?


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## edquintin (Jun 23, 2012)

You were attracted to Office Guy. You are obviously emotionally invested in your hubby. That speaks volumes. Do not tell Hubby, he will get insecure and might obcess about it. Read Love Languages and learn his LL. Use them. Do little things you used to when you guys first started hanging out--seriously. Little things HE would remember and would endear you two together. Make him a lunch and put a love letter in it. Put a note on his car with a sexy message by a "Secret Stalker", but let him know somehow it was you. It's obvious you love him. Expound on that and exploit it. Keep us posted on how its going.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You'll often see people fall into two camps when it comes to a situation like yours. Some will say that we cannot control these feelings of attraction or interest in another person. Others will say that it is only a sign of emotional immaturity to let these feelings go on for so long. I think that you have to force yourself to think about the other man in a way that is more honest about what is really going on, and then use these thoughts to begin putting that same emotional energy into your husband. By understanding the lost potential, and hurt it will create to know that you desire another man this way for so long, it can be like a cold dunk in water, waking you up, and helping you to put these feelings into their proper place over time.

It isn't wrong to have these feelings come up when you meet someone. But think about how it would make your husband feel to know that you've held on to that for two years. Think about all the lost opportunities where you could have instead been doing things to nourish the love you share with your husband, building that so that it makes this other man seem like a passing phase. Just simple acts of love for your husband can launch you two into a period of intense romance. You've done noble things to remove yourself, and I'm not at all judging, but suggesting that you actively dwell on what you could have been doing, and dwell on the fact that the sheer length of this infatuation can really impact your husband's trust in the relationship. I'll argue that real maturity is about forcing yourself to be aware of the ways you can take control over your feelings. You've proven that you have the integrity and courage to do the right thing, so use this to begin growing in your ability to take even more control over these feelings you have.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

totally agree with Halien. Was trying to type something similar, but it didn't sound nearly as good, so I'll just say big fat DITTO to all he wrote. Absolutely do not tell your husband, but refocus your energy...and :smthumbup: for recognizing that you are not being fair to your husband and taking steps to change the course you were headed down.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't understand why everyone says not to tell her husband. If there is this attraction with someone other than hubby, he needs to know. 

Also, I think this could be a HUGE opportunity for some great learning to take place for hubby and wife. There is a problem somewhere and it needs to be fixed now. You don't push it under the rug.

Additionally, the info she would be holding onto is a secret. Secrets have no place in marriage. She would only be holding onto this, as state by another poster, to save herself pain. If she really loves her husband, telling him and seeing his pain can show her what it does and help prevent it from happening again.

And changing jobs....A MUST!!!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi B ~

It's admirable, and probably wise, to remove yourself from the situation with the other man. You dwelled on this other man for some time - he even admitting a crush on you... and admittedly it sounds like you had a crush on him...starting to get down into EA (emotional affair) territory in that you were expending emotional cycles thinking about him, that should have been spent on your H.

Contemplate why that was...and what actions you can actively take to strengthen the bond you have with your husband. One of those actions could be to have complete honesty with your husband.

I think that as marital partners, it is each spouse's responsibility to help them 'fight the fight' of temptation everyday. Don't fight the fight on just your own...involve your husband to help bolster your resolve and bind the two of you together even more tightly in the fight against temptations. 

Best wishes!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Do NOT tell your husband. Most of us humans have crushes. You dealt with it admirably for a long period of time and have made the necessary changes. Congratulations! To many capitulate and make life messy. 

You certainly understand lines that should be not crossed and you should continue to respect those for the rest of your life because chances are it will happen again. 

Sounds like you may need to invest a bit more time at home so do it. It can be fulfilling if you really work at it.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

i have a question for all the posters that advocate NOT telling the H that OP has a crush. what are your reasons, apart from that it will hurt the H? 

That seems more self protecting rather that spouse protecting, but if theres more reasons, i would like to know them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

When you open up & tell your spouse, you will risk hurting him...yes, but where this may lead if you don't is beyond worse.... to tell him is to respect him and your marraige....you haven't done anything yet -- so why are you afraid, you have not broken any vows.... also you will automatically LOOSE the feeding power this SECRET has over you. Somehow when you bust it wide open, it just won't "*feel*" the same, the FOG will suddenly clear. It just works this way. 



> *BDevon81 said*: ...but I definitely think some quality time would be beneficial. He's very busy with work a lot of the time - he always has been - and I do feel emotionally neglected at times (not that this is any excuse!) even though I know he's working hard for US.


 This also NEEDS talked about, you are missing the intimacy in your marriage.... you & he need more personal time, more bonding ....if this was happening already, less chances you would have been hovering where you are thinking about this over man for 2 yrs. Your Love languages are not being met in your marraige by your husband very likely. 

I wrote this in my *Transparency* thread touching in this subject HERE.
>>>


> This is about being * Genuinely Authentic*, NO MASKS.
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