# Starting to consider a separation and need advice



## blablabla2014 (Aug 11, 2014)

I'm 37 and me and my husband have been married for 3 years and were living together for 4 years before we got married. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter.

We used to have a lovely relationship and be really friends and caring for each other. Then when my daughter was born 3 years ago we faced a unemployment situation, lots of financial struggles where the "blame game" started and because we were also concentrating on raising our baby, we grow apart from each other and it's like our relationship was not a priority anymore.

We went trough some difficult times but somehow we managed to get trough and we're now both working and living in a beautiful home. But I don't know if we can have the relationship we once had. 

He's basically always focusing on work or our daughter and never seems to care about our relationship. He's also often very aggressive to me sometimes for small things like yesterday I was feeling ill and I asked him a dumb question about a bed sheet and he started to yell at me saying I'm stupid and etc. I don't know why he's like this, he says he's tired of me, but then next day he's fine again.

Trough all these 3 years since my daughter was born he tried (or he said he wanted to) finish our marriage and for us to separate. But he was always very angry when saying this and he never did. But because of that I now feel I don't totally trust him and if I say or do anything he doesn't like, he'll be going away. Even yesterday in our argument he said that one day he'll just go away.

Although I know he still cares about me, he doesn't really likes to listen to me anymore or respects me like before. 

There's no sex anymore, although sometimes he mentions that, but it's always in a way that it's not romantic at all if you know what I mean.

I'm confused with all this. I don't really want to separate or divorce him, I just would like for things to be like they used to be, when we were real friends and tender about each other. I even would like to have another baby, but not like this when I never know if what I say or do is going to make him really piss** and start yelling at me calling me this and that.

But I guess I'm starting to stop wanting that because it seems it won't happen again. He's a different person now. Even his mom visited us and told me she doesn't understand why he's like this. We went trough a lot but it just seems I'm the one he just lets his anger go trough.

I'm not perfect either, but I'm not an aggressive person by nature. I'm starting to have dreams where I'm so in love with someone else! No one in specific, just someone that shows love and affection, you know!?

I don't have any family on my side and just a couple of friends that also live far from us, so if my marriage ends, I'll end up alone with my daughter and that scares me too. 

Our marriage nowadays seems just like an enterprise where you get things done around the house and take care of the our daughter, there's no love, sex, romantic things, whatsoever. And I would love for him to do something romantic, but I guess he doesn't care.

Well, last but not least, I've started a new job working on the same office as him. It's for different companies but we share the same office space and that's driving me crazy. I've started there 1 month ago and I fee I lack privacy, space and also the opportunity to make new friends that don't know him! I'm already looking for a new job elsewhere!

So thank you for reading and I would appreciate some advice. I feel powerless at the moment. We've had a huge fight yesterday and today I missed work because I'm still feeling ill and I feel exhausted and needed a bit of time for myself.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

blablabla2014 said:


> Our marriage nowadays seems just like an enterprise where you get things done around the house and take care of the our daughter, there's no love, sex, romantic things, whatsoever. And I would love for him to do something romantic, but I guess he doesn't care.


I could probably describe my marriage that way -- and it would be accurate but incomplete. I sometimes try to put myself in my wife's shoes, see life from her perspective. Sometimes it helps me at least understand a bit better how we got where we are. 

FWIW, it's not that my wife doesn't care, even though I feel like that a lot. It's just that her view of life -- shaped by her own upbringing and personality, then impacted by our married life (including unemployment and kids) -- is at a point where I just don't believe it matches mine. 

I also have no family nearby, and friends are "our friends" -- mostly couples with kids the same age as ours. I know that if our marriage ends, I will end up on the losing end of many of those friends, just because it's complicated.

I have no advice for you, but you aren't alone. In fact, inside the other beautiful houses in your neighborhood, there may be any number of families dealing with versions of what you are dealing with. 

I know the feeling of "powerless" well. I focused on reminding myself of the value I bring -- to work, to home, to family, to the community -- and it helped. 

Good luck.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

blablabla2014 said:


> We went trough a lot but it just seems I'm the one he just lets his anger go trough.


I have no doubt my wife would say this. I have on occasion ben able to explain that I look to her as someone I can vent TO, not vent AT, but she doesn't feel the distinction. It them makes it that much harder when she does something that makes me angry. Or when I do something that makes her angry.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

It sounds like your marriage is in a rut, very common.

Have you been to marriage counseling?


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

ladymisato said:


> It sounds like your marriage is in a rut, very common.
> 
> Have you been to marriage counseling?


If that's for me, yes. With three different counselors. I'd like to try again, but my wife says no. Since this is blabla's thread, though, I'll leave it at that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Op:

He is probably holding on to resentment. It is toxic and would explain both his mistreatment and his approach over sex. It can be overcome, but will take MC to do it properly. Is he open to it?


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## blablabla2014 (Aug 11, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Op:
> 
> He is probably holding on to resentment. It is toxic and would explain both his mistreatment and his approach over sex. It can be overcome, but will take MC to do it properly. Is he open to it?


Yes, you're right. We moved to another city before my daughter was born and he didn't want much the move at the time, but he agreed and we went anyway. We both had good jobs at our new city but mine was a start-up that didn't work out and his boss stopped paying him salary and eventually went bankrupt. This happened basically at the same time, that's why we were both unemployed and went trough a difficult period.

He started to become very angry and aggressive at that time and blamed it all on me, since he really didn't want the move on the first place. I blamed myself for too long because I insisted on the move but I didn't know what was going to happen either.

Well, anyway, I think even though our life is good at the moment with steady good paid jobs, a lovely house, etc, I guess he's still resenting me. But I don't know what I can do about it, since that is his problem to take care, right?

I feel now that I always have to be perfect and not bring issues or anything, he just wants for me to not bother him. I feel he's only concerned about his well-being and my daughter and doesn't really care how I feel, always avoiding deeper conversations.

He's always nagging me about things around the house, if I didn't do this or that and I feel I have to walk on eggshells all the time and always anxious about the next time he'll blow over the litter or the dishes or whatever.

He knows he's like this and wants to change, but it's difficult for him and I feel I'm getting really tired of living like this. And, of course, this affects our little girl too.

I just feel there's more to life than getting angry and aggressive because of things around the house. For example this morning he split coffee on the carpet, and that is normal to happen, right? We're human after all. I didn't say anything, but if it was me or even our little daughter he would have gone mad and starting to shout.

I just feel I can't live like this. It's like he's a nice person and then have other side that's totally horrendous to me. I dream of having a nice loving partner and I'm losing hope that we'll ever be like we use to be before. Sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve a nice person anymore.

Well, he realises how he is and tries to make an effort to change and be nice to me, but then something clicks and he goes to the same behaviour again.

What should we do in order to overcome this? I can't stand his mistreatment and even less his approach towards sex anymore. I'm starting to wish I meet someone else and feel loved again. I'm feeling so sad inside. This morning at work I had a colleague asking me how was my weekend, if I've had a change to relax and I just wanted to cry! Yeah, that was supposed to be the normal thing to do, but yesterday there was another argument because I opened the oven door without telling him I was going to do it and he got the heat from inside it. And the thing is, he yells at me, talks to me like I'm stupid or whatever, and even wants me to apologise for having done a "mistake"! I'm sorry but my self-esteem is not that bad! 

Until some time ago I didn't consider a separation, but now I'm starting to want peace and freedom from this.


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