# Help with possible trauma /PSTD



## Bea22

Hey guys & girls. I'm new here and this is my first post. I'd like some because I don't know what to do anymore. 

Me and my husband has been together for 10 years (married 6). I'm 29 and he's 35. When we met and fell in love, he was a gamer. He loved gaming with friends and has a very intense interest in technology overall. He is am introvert and very reserved in nature. I'm (was more like it) a very social, bubbly happy girl who was drawn to him because he was the complete opposite. 

As we grew together some things started to bother me. He seemed to be VERY into gaming but I was always first priority. When he gamed he couldn't seem to keep to a certain time frame and lacked control of stopping (could game throughout the night). He also talked to his friends through Steam and Discord. I tried gaming with him but I don't like it. He also seemed not really interested in sex. If we had sex and I initiated it he usually rejected me. This was something that really hurt me as I have the higher sex drive. 

After our marriage things took for the worse. His stress levels at work got out of hand and he was very depressed which caused him to completely emerge into gaming. We were together a year before we had our first daughter (which we diagnosed with autism at age 3), and I basically raised her on my own. He works away 50% of the time and the other 50% when he's at home, I never saw him, didn't spend time with him because he was addicted to gaming. He became irritated when I asked for sex and we went from once a week to maybe once every month or so. He was dark and agitated and a totally different person. When we were dating, we had the porn talk. He swore he doesn't watch it and I believed him. He isn't as sexual as normal men, so it probably makes sense? He knew I watched it on occasion and never said anything about it. He also said he doesn't masturbate. 

During this time he admitted to being sexually abused by a family member when he was 8 and it continued for a while. I thought alot makes sense now. The sex issues and the addiction to gaming. But still I felt something was hidden from me. 

After 3 years of being neglected, having a present but not so present husband the resentment towards his gaming and lack of emotional support drove me to the brink of a divorce. I couldn't go on anymore like this. Couldn't beg for live and attention and sex anymore and keep feeling like I have to compete against a computer. 

He realized he's losing me and made a promise to quit cold turkey. I never thought he would as his pc was his first love. So he sold everything, and swore to NEVER game ever again. Shortly after he's on his phone the whole time. Playing mobile games. So yet, another promise broken. I was furious and he began closing off again. Some cycle. 

Then, one day of having enough, I went through his search history and discovered his porn use. It was Hentai porn ( he loves anime), usual porn and porn games. I was nauseated, shaking and crying uncontrollably. I immediately thought he was having an affair because he's been lying for 10 years about porn what else is he hiding?? It's been 8 months since the porn use discovery and I am still broken. I suffer form ptsd signs and living on trigger mode after the next. 

He are going to therapy, since the sexual abuse is the core of all his issues with dishonesty, lack of emotion, porn use and gaming addiction. 

I never found any evidence on cheating, but the porn use was the WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. It's 8 months and I'm a shell of the person I once were. I trusted him. With everything, never snooped or went on his pc / phone without asking. Now, I can't stop snooping. I resent him soooo much. The therapist said he emotionally abused me, and I start to see it now. 
I still love him but I can't seem to cope with triggers and resentment towards him. 
Resentment because he abandoned me emotionally for so many years, made me doubt myself, lied and kept porn from me, watching it while I was in bed in tears because my husband refused me sexually. I was thinking about having an affair and the guilt ate me up. But now, I am even more angry that his actions caused me so much pain. 

We are trying to save out marriage and we have tasks to do to rewire his brain of porn. The rewiring will also create new pathways in his brain about me, sex and intimacy. He also swore he's not watching porn anymore. He swore he stopped playing mobile games. 

The thing is, we has broken promises SO Many times, lied so many times.... 

How on earth do I stop resenting him, because the minute he does anything that makes me feel abandoned or neglected / the moment he rejects me sexually, I'm trigger all over and all the negative feelings comes back. I want to love him and fix things, but I just can't get myself to forgive him.


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## thunderchad

Once it had gone on this long it is very hard to turn things around. Trust from lies and/or cheating can't really be earned back.


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## BeyondRepair007

Bea22 said:


> Hey guys & girls. I'm new here and this is my first post. I'd like some because I don't know what to do anymore.
> 
> Me and my husband has been together for 10 years (married 6). I'm 29 and he's 35. When we met and fell in love, he was a gamer. He loved gaming with friends and has a very intense interest in technology overall. He is am introvert and very reserved in nature. I'm (was more like it) a very social, bubbly happy girl who was drawn to him because he was the complete opposite.
> 
> As we grew together some things started to bother me. He seemed to be VERY into gaming but I was always first priority. When he gamed he couldn't seem to keep to a certain time frame and lacked control of stopping (could game throughout the night). He also talked to his friends through Steam and Discord. I tried gaming with him but I don't like it. He also seemed not really interested in sex. If we had sex and I initiated it he usually rejected me. This was something that really hurt me as I have the higher sex drive.
> 
> After our marriage things took for the worse. His stress levels at work got out of hand and he was very depressed which caused him to completely emerge into gaming. We were together a year before we had our first daughter (which we diagnosed with autism at age 3), and I basically raised her on my own. He works away 50% of the time and the other 50% when he's at home, I never saw him, didn't spend time with him because he was addicted to gaming. He became irritated when I asked for sex and we went from once a week to maybe once every month or so. He was dark and agitated and a totally different person. When we were dating, we had the porn talk. He swore he doesn't watch it and I believed him. He isn't as sexual as normal men, so it probably makes sense? He knew I watched it on occasion and never said anything about it. He also said he doesn't masturbate.
> 
> During this time he admitted to being sexually abused by a family member when he was 8 and it continued for a while. I thought alot makes sense now. The sex issues and the addiction to gaming. But still I felt something was hidden from me.
> 
> After 3 years of being neglected, having a present but not so present husband the resentment towards his gaming and lack of emotional support drove me to the brink of a divorce. I couldn't go on anymore like this. Couldn't beg for live and attention and sex anymore and keep feeling like I have to compete against a computer.
> 
> He realized he's losing me and made a promise to quit cold turkey. I never thought he would as his pc was his first love. So he sold everything, and swore to NEVER game ever again. Shortly after he's on his phone the whole time. Playing mobile games. So yet, another promise broken. I was furious and he began closing off again. Some cycle.
> 
> Then, one day of having enough, I went through his search history and discovered his porn use. It was Hentai porn ( he loves anime), usual porn and porn games. I was nauseated, shaking and crying uncontrollably. I immediately thought he was having an affair because he's been lying for 10 years about porn what else is he hiding?? It's been 8 months since the porn use discovery and I am still broken. I suffer form ptsd signs and living on trigger mode after the next.
> 
> He are going to therapy, since the sexual abuse is the core of all his issues with dishonesty, lack of emotion, porn use and gaming addiction.
> 
> I never found any evidence on cheating, but the porn use was the WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. It's 8 months and I'm a shell of the person I once were. I trusted him. With everything, never snooped or went on his pc / phone without asking. Now, I can't stop snooping. I resent him soooo much. The therapist said he emotionally abused me, and I start to see it now.
> I still love him but I can't seem to cope with triggers and resentment towards him.
> Resentment because he abandoned me emotionally for so many years, made me doubt myself, lied and kept porn from me, watching it while I was in bed in tears because my husband refused me sexually. I was thinking about having an affair and the guilt ate me up. But now, I am even more angry that his actions caused me so much pain.
> 
> We are trying to save out marriage and we have tasks to do to rewire his brain of porn. The rewiring will also create new pathways in his brain about me, sex and intimacy. He also swore he's not watching porn anymore. He swore he stopped playing mobile games.
> 
> The thing is, we has broken promises SO Many times, lied so many times....
> 
> How on earth do I stop resenting him, because the minute he does anything that makes me feel abandoned or neglected / the moment he rejects me sexually, I'm trigger all over and all the negative feelings comes back. I want to love him and fix things, but I just can't get myself to forgive him.


This is quite a tragic history, I'm sorry this has been your marriage experience.
Welcome to TAM Bea, there are lots of great people here who will share their experiences with you.

I can add my belief that people can, and do, change if they have the right heart and desire to do it. I am proof of that.
However, it can be exceptionally difficult even under ideal conditions ...too difficult for many.

Aggressive counseling is the only suggestion I have about this, as you know already. But honestly, trusting him going forward will likely be exceptionally difficult for you and may not ever return. You should consider this scenario before committing to a long-term situation with counselling.


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## Bea22

BeyondRepair007 said:


> This is quite a tragic history, I'm sorry this has been your marriage experience.
> Welcome to TAM Bea, there are lots of great people here who will share their experiences with you.
> 
> I can add my belief that people can, and do, change if they have the right heart and desire to do it. I am proof of that.
> However, it can be exceptionally difficult even under ideal conditions ...too difficult for many.
> 
> Aggressive counseling is the only suggestion I have about this, as you know already. But honestly, trusting him going forward will likely be exceptionally difficult for you and may not ever return. You should consider this scenario before committing to a long-term situation with counselling.


How do I know I'll never be able to trust him again, without giving him a chance? 
Do you know at what point in time, will I know his attempts on changing isn't true? 
I know people mess up, but when is it sure he's only pretending to change


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## BeyondRepair007

Bea22 said:


> How do I know I'll never be able to trust him again, without giving him a chance?
> Do you know at what point in time, will I know his attempts on changing isn't true?
> I know people mess up, but when is it sure he's only pretending to change


Your questions are exactly the right ones, and unfortunately there's no answer for those.

If you decide to take that chance, you are risking that he will be pretending and never really changed, just like he did previously.
So you should consider that risk.

With someone who is a known liar, I think it's a fairly good chance that he will relapse at some point, even if he goes into it with a right heart.
But the question only you can answer (speculate) ..."will it stick going forward"?

Some would say "yes, it's possible" some would say "no way in **** with someone who has shown you who he is"

I can only say that I know it's possible to change...but it's hard and the desire to change has to be great.


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## Bea22

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Your questions are exactly the right ones, and unfortunately there's no answer for those.
> 
> If you decide to take that chance, you are risking that he will be pretending and never really changed, just like he did previously.
> So you should consider that risk.
> 
> With someone who is a known liar, I think it's a fairly good chance that he will relapse at some point, even if he goes into it with a right heart.
> But the question only you can answer (speculate) ..."will it stick going forward"?
> 
> Some would say "yes, it's possible" some would say "no way in **** with someone who has shown you who he is"
> 
> I can only say that I know it's possible to change...but it's hard and the desire to change has to be great.


He really shows signs of wanting to change but as soon as om triggered he gets defensive and think I'll never trust him again etc. Defensiveness was also one thing he swore on working on. 
I can't divorce him. I won't survive financially with an autistic child even with maintenance. 
The only option I have, is either hope it work out and that he changes or totally detach from out marriage and go about my life and don't worry about what he's doing or not doing (which is a sad marriage). 

The moment I talk about how I feel and what upsets me he says he feel like hell never make me happy. That all the good he did is gone and I only focus on the bad he does. (manipulation I know). So now I'm thinking of just not talking or thinking about the issues in our marriage. Just let it slide. But then he gets what he wants??? And me? What about me?


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## BeyondRepair007

Bea22 said:


> He really shows signs of wanting to change but as soon as om triggered he gets defensive and think I'll never trust him again etc. Defensiveness was also one thing he swore on working on.
> I can't divorce him. I won't survive financially with an autistic child even with maintenance.
> The only option I have, is either hope it work out and that he changes or totally detach from out marriage and go about my life and don't worry about what he's doing or not doing (which is a sad marriage).
> 
> The moment I talk about how I feel and what upsets me he says he feel like hell never make me happy. That all the good he did is gone and I only focus on the bad he does. (manipulation I know). So now I'm thinking of just not talking or thinking about the issues in our marriage. Just let it slide. But then he gets what he wants??? And me? What about me?


You have a lot riding on this being a success, and little choice except to try it, at least that's how it sounds to me.

Try not to close off the divorce option too soon. It may not make sense to you right now but if the pain becomes high enough, you will leave, you'll have too. It is possible, no matter how it looks right at this moment. (I'm not advocating for D, just pointing this out)

There are options like open marriages, or separations that you could consider if you are of that mind (I am not). But the future you describe if he fails, in my mind, would be one that includes divorce.

You deserve happiness, not existence.
Your child deserves to live in a happy household, not a desolate one.
Teach your child now, by your actions, the right way for their future relationship to be.
Whatever that looks like for you, I sincerely hope for a good outcome for you and child.


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## bobert

You really need to get into therapy as well. If you really do have PTSD from this, it cannot be treated at-home by just willing it to go away. Even if your husband does change and turn into the best version of himself, it won't help if you haven't helped yourself as well. 



Bea22 said:


> How do I know I'll never be able to trust him again, without giving him a chance?
> Do you know at what point in time, will I know his attempts on changing isn't true?
> I know people mess up, but when is it sure he's only pretending to change


Some people know (or believe) that they will never be able to trust again and a second chance is not necessary. Other people (possibly like yourself), want or need to give it a try. There is no right or wrong way choice in this case. 

I wouldn't say the change is real until it has been _at least _6-12 months from the time he started therapy, and if he hasn't "dropped out" of therapy in that time. If he stops going and reverts, that timeline starts over IMO. There definitely are people who can fake change longer than a year, but generally change-fakers will only last a few months - until they are called out next time, and repeat. 

There is never a guarantee that he won't revert back in some or all of his behaviors. And to fully change and heal from CSA will take years, and may never fully go away. That doesn't mean he will never be a safe partner. It means it is something that he may have to work at for the rest of his life, and most of that work and effort would be done behind the scenes and you wouldn't really know about it unless you talk about it. 



Bea22 said:


> He really shows signs of wanting to change but as soon as om triggered he gets defensive and think I'll never trust him again etc. Defensiveness was also one thing he swore on working on.
> I can't divorce him. I won't survive financially with an autistic child even with maintenance.
> The only option I have, is either hope it work out and that he changes or totally detach from out marriage and go about my life and don't worry about what he's doing or not doing (which is a sad marriage).
> 
> The moment I talk about how I feel and what upsets me he says he feel like hell never make me happy. That all the good he did is gone and I only focus on the bad he does. (manipulation I know). So now I'm thinking of just not talking or thinking about the issues in our marriage. Just let it slide. But then he gets what he wants??? And me? What about me?


You probably are not in the right place to be starting marriage counseling, so that defensiveness is something that needs to be brought up with his therapist. You should be able to attend some (not all or even more) sessions with him.


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## SunCMars

Is this not proof, that watching porn can become an addiction?

And people in this country (USA), and this Western World are actively promoting deviancy and debauchery in all its forms.

These purveyors, they will not stop, as they too are addicted to this carnal chaos.

(Plus, there are other forces at play here.)

Leftist forces that are trying to break apart whole societies, and forces from without our planet.
The latter, subconsciously directing the former.

I see no chance of any reform.
The dark side has way too many allures.

People are weak, they seek that escape.
Argh.


_Nemesis-_


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## A18S37K14H18

Bea22 said:


> The thing is, we has broken promises SO Many times, lied so many times....


He is showing you who and what he is OP.

That he's this way is on him, that you're still with him after he's continually broken promises and lied to you is on you.

I mean, he knew he was losing you so he stopped gaming, sold his system and then started playing games on his cellphone. 

This cycle will keep repeating as long as you allow it to. He'll promise, stop doing ABC when he sees he's about to lose you and when you stay, he'll revert back to doing ABC again.


Plenty of people with children with needs, autism and other things divorce.

If you can't divorce right now, that's one thing. If you can't leave him in say 2 or 3 years, that's on you.

Begin making an exit plan, do what you need to be able to support yourself along with his child support etc.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Bea22 said:


> Hey guys & girls. I'm new here and this is my first post. I'd like some because I don't know what to do anymore.
> 
> Me and my husband has been together for 10 years (married 6). I'm 29 and he's 35. When we met and fell in love, he was a gamer. He loved gaming with friends and has a very intense interest in technology overall. He is am introvert and very reserved in nature. I'm (was more like it) a very social, bubbly happy girl who was drawn to him because he was the complete opposite.
> 
> As we grew together some things started to bother me. He seemed to be VERY into gaming but I was always first priority. When he gamed he couldn't seem to keep to a certain time frame and lacked control of stopping (could game throughout the night). He also talked to his friends through Steam and Discord. I tried gaming with him but I don't like it. He also seemed not really interested in sex. If we had sex and I initiated it he usually rejected me. This was something that really hurt me as I have the higher sex drive.
> 
> After our marriage things took for the worse. His stress levels at work got out of hand and he was very depressed which caused him to completely emerge into gaming. We were together a year before we had our first daughter (which we diagnosed with autism at age 3), and I basically raised her on my own. He works away 50% of the time and the other 50% when he's at home, I never saw him, didn't spend time with him because he was addicted to gaming. He became irritated when I asked for sex and we went from once a week to maybe once every month or so. He was dark and agitated and a totally different person. When we were dating, we had the porn talk. He swore he doesn't watch it and I believed him. He isn't as sexual as normal men, so it probably makes sense? He knew I watched it on occasion and never said anything about it. He also said he doesn't masturbate.
> 
> During this time he admitted to being sexually abused by a family member when he was 8 and it continued for a while. I thought alot makes sense now. The sex issues and the addiction to gaming. But still I felt something was hidden from me.
> 
> After 3 years of being neglected, having a present but not so present husband the resentment towards his gaming and lack of emotional support drove me to the brink of a divorce. I couldn't go on anymore like this. Couldn't beg for live and attention and sex anymore and keep feeling like I have to compete against a computer.
> 
> He realized he's losing me and made a promise to quit cold turkey. I never thought he would as his pc was his first love. So he sold everything, and swore to NEVER game ever again. Shortly after he's on his phone the whole time. Playing mobile games. So yet, another promise broken. I was furious and he began closing off again. Some cycle.
> 
> Then, one day of having enough, I went through his search history and discovered his porn use. It was Hentai porn ( he loves anime), usual porn and porn games. I was nauseated, shaking and crying uncontrollably. I immediately thought he was having an affair because he's been lying for 10 years about porn what else is he hiding?? It's been 8 months since the porn use discovery and I am still broken. I suffer form ptsd signs and living on trigger mode after the next.
> 
> He are going to therapy, since the sexual abuse is the core of all his issues with dishonesty, lack of emotion, porn use and gaming addiction.
> 
> I never found any evidence on cheating, but the porn use was the WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. It's 8 months and I'm a shell of the person I once were. I trusted him. With everything, never snooped or went on his pc / phone without asking. Now, I can't stop snooping. I resent him soooo much. The therapist said he emotionally abused me, and I start to see it now.
> I still love him but I can't seem to cope with triggers and resentment towards him.
> Resentment because he abandoned me emotionally for so many years, made me doubt myself, lied and kept porn from me, watching it while I was in bed in tears because my husband refused me sexually. I was thinking about having an affair and the guilt ate me up. But now, I am even more angry that his actions caused me so much pain.
> 
> We are trying to save out marriage and we have tasks to do to rewire his brain of porn. The rewiring will also create new pathways in his brain about me, sex and intimacy. He also swore he's not watching porn anymore. He swore he stopped playing mobile games.
> 
> The thing is, we has broken promises SO Many times, lied so many times....
> 
> How on earth do I stop resenting him, because the minute he does anything that makes me feel abandoned or neglected / the moment he rejects me sexually, I'm trigger all over and all the negative feelings comes back. I want to love him and fix things, but I just can't get myself to forgive him.


EMDR now!


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## gaius

The guy was jerking off to cartoons. It wasn't just you he was passing on, it was every actual flesh and blood woman out there.

It really sounds like all this just triggered some feelings in you that were already there.


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## Bea22

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> EMDR now!


What does this mean


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Explains better than I can.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing


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