# Things I wish I could unsee...



## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Okay, so I need some advice from the mothers with older kids. I was cleaning the house the other day and walked through the dining room and I happened to glance down the hallway, and I think I caught my four year old daughter masturbating. I don't see how it could have been anything else; she had her pants off laying in the floor with her legs spread and had her hand down there...

I didn't know how to react. I don't want to get angry and scare her, but I need her to understand that's not something little girls do, especially out in the open like that. 

I need to get this sorted out quick, because if it happens with hee dad home he's liable to freak out. 

Any advice?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Don't shame her by saying girls don't do that. They do. It's good for girls to get to know their body.

Just tell her there is a time for checking out her private parts and that should be done with the door closed - that's why we call them "private". Tell her to make sure her hands are clean before and after. Make it more "scientific" as in our bodies are kind of neat/curious. 

Assuming she hasn't been exposed to sex in any way.

ETA - this is a good time to mention those are HER parts she she can touch them any time in private but to not let anyone else touch them unless she needs help in the bathroom by mom/dad/grandma - whoever your 'safe' people are.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Don't shame her by saying girls don't do that. They do. It's good for girls to get to know their body.
> 
> Just tell her there is a time for checking out her private parts and that should be done with the door closed - that's why we call them "private". Tell her to make sure her hands are clean before and after. Make it more "scientific" as in our bodies are kind of neat/curious.
> 
> Assuming she hasn't been exposed to sex in any way.


:iagree:

This is absolutely something little girls do. And little boys, as well. 

I simply told my son that some things are private. We close the door when we use the bathroom or change clothes because those things are private. And that it's perfectly fine and normal to touch yourself, but that it's also private, so we don't do that around other people or where we can be seen.

If you catch her again, just remind her that what she's doing should be private and that she needs to save it until she's alone in her room.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You say to her, in the kindest most loving vice you have...

"Honey, it feels good to rub yourself there doesn't it? Everybody does that, both boys and girls and both men and women. But down there is called our private parts and they are private for a reason. So if you want to make yourself feel good, you must do it in private. Do you know the names of all those body parts down there? Here is your vulva, here is your labia, up here is where your clitoris is, and down here is where your pee comes from that's called urethra, and just below that is your vagina, that's where babies comes out, and down further is your anus, that's where poop comes out."


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

I guess I should have worded that differently, I completely agree that it's ok for girls and boys alike to touch there, and honestly I wasn't surprised when it happened because I figured it was about time. Shocked, definitely, but not surprised lol. 

I guess what I'm seeking advice for is more on how to get her to grasp modesty. The child doesn't have a shy bone in her body and really doesn't care who sees her naked. No boys in the bathroom, she's got that one figured out, but I constantly have to remind her to go get dressed in her room and not in the family room lol. 

What did the other moms do to ensure their kids understood modesty and privacy? 

Anon Pink: I'm positive my daughter would grasp what anatomy I would tell her about and would absorb the brief description like the one you gave. I also think that she would take every possible opportunity to tell everyone about touching her labia, clitoris, etc lol. I think that talk will have to wait a few years.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My eldest did this all the time when little. We just directed her to her room with "This is something you do by yourself. You don't do it where other people can watch. There is nothing wrong with what you're doing, but it should be done in private."

I consider it lucky that she is the oldest so we didn't have older boy siblings to worry about when she did that.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'll further add - have you considered why you react this way? Specifically, the "I wish I could unsee." Why does it bother you so much? 

Very likely you did something similar when you were her age, and your mother shamed you for what you did. Those early impressions are imprinted into our minds in a way that can be very permanent. You do not want your daughter to be ashamed of her body, or the pleasure that those parts of her body can give her later. 

I do not think women are any more innately sexually repressed than men. They would naturally be as sexually adventurous if it wasn't for the shaming they get as impressionable young children. Boys get the same treatment, but they don't turn out the same way because testosterone is such a powerful mind altering hormone.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I'll further add - have you considered why you react this way? Specifically, the "I wish I could unsee." Why does it bother you so much?
> 
> Very likely you did something similar when you were her age, and your mother shamed you for what you did. Those early impressions are imprinted into our minds in a way that can be very permanent. You do not want your daughter to be ashamed of her body, or the pleasure that those parts of her body can give her later.
> 
> I do not think women are any more innately sexually repressed than men. They would naturally be as sexually adventurous if it wasn't for the shaming they get as impressionable young children. Boys get the same treatment, but they don't turn out the same way because testosterone is such a powerful mind altering hormone.


You're absolutely right. Without the testosterone to override the shaming, far too many women get stuck in denial.

STM,

And if your daughter does tell the other kids about her clitoris, urethra, vulva, labia, vagina.....? So what? Treat it just like her telling other kids about her epidermis, her tibia, uvula and tonsils. These are body parts every girls has, why does it have to be a secret? In terms of touching her body parts... Is it a big secret that she picks her nose? Treat it just like picking her nose, something we do in private without wiping it on the damn walls! Use a frigging Kleenex for gods sake!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

GREAT advice from everyone!! I can't add anything better

OP you have a golden opportunity to create a healthy view of sex and the female body for your daughter.Don't be like so many moms and blow it


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Your main concern was Dad freaking out. Perhaps you should talk to him in private after she's gone to bed. Let him know it's normal and how you want this to be handled so if he DOES see her doing this when you are in another room, he knows all he has to say is "honey, do that in your room and close the door - that a private thing". Nudity isn't awful so focus on what is appropriate vs. the term "modest". I realize this could just be semantics so I'm not assuming, but it could be a cool time to show her a map of the world on the computer and point to the plains of Africa and say people here don't wear many clothes - it's very hot. Point to France - women here don't always wear tops on the beach, point to Asia and say in bath houses people of all ages soak in a huge hot bath together, but HERE where WE live, people always cover *these* areas when they are around other people.

Then they understand the context of clothing without shame. It become a cultural observance instead.

Just ideas - my girl is 15 and went through the naked phase, then just a lack of awareness (like how to sit in a dress, etc.) then she got SUPER private, now she'll change in front of me or girlfriends but is pretty modest about complete nudity, such as when she forgets her towel.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Don't shame her by saying girls don't do that. They do. It's good for girls to get to know their body.
> 
> Just tell her there is a time for checking out her private parts and that should be done with the door closed - that's why we call them "private". Tell her to make sure her hands are clean before and after. Make it more "scientific" as in our bodies are kind of neat/curious.
> 
> ...


I like above, but I would probably tell my 4 year old that they are WAY too young for that. In time, when they are old enough....that's fine.

PS. OP, that is completely normal. My boys have been humping things from VERY young age....completely natural IMO.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> I like above, but I would probably tell my 4 year old that they are WAY too young for that. In time, when they are old enough....that's fine.
> 
> PS. OP, that is completely normal. My boys have been humping things from VERY young age....completely natural IMO.


4 is way too young for what? For masturbating? Babies masturbate for crying out loud! 4 is too young to know the names of body parts? 4 is too young to know that they are called private parts because they are to be kept private and that means no one else should be touching them?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

DoF said:


> I like above, but I would probably tell my 4 year old that they are WAY too young for that. In time, when they are old enough....that's fine.
> 
> PS. OP, that is completely normal. My boys have been humping things from VERY young age....completely natural IMO.


Too young for what? Knowing her body? Knowing that's a private activity? It's natural for your boys and it's normal and natural so what is 4 too young for?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

DoF said:


> I like above, but I would probably tell my 4 year old that they are WAY too young for that. In time, when they are old enough....that's fine.
> 
> PS. OP, that is completely normal. My boys have been humping things from VERY young age....completely natural IMO.


The problem with this mind think (and you aren't the only one to bring it up, I speak in general terms here) is that it breeds lack of knowledge.

My moms generation knew nothing of their bodies and the functions of their bodies. Especially the girls, it just was not talked about - it was considered taboo.

My mom did the same to us because that's all she was taught. I didn't continue that cycle with my kids. At young ages they knew what their bodies were, the functions, the proper terminology of their body parts and age appropriate information about what sex is and so on.

Lack of knowledge breeds inappropriate behaviors both socially and privately.

Now, I'm Canadian born and raised (there is a reason I bring up culture, you'll see why in a second). I don't get why the general population of industrialized "first world" countries, other than most European countries, are so up-damn-tight about nudity, sex and the naked body. I find a lot of European people are very relaxed about nakedness, nudity and sex. Not dangerously relaxed just less uptight about it.

Perhaps it is the way our society has made even talking about it taboo, perhaps over-sexualized television has, instead of desensitizing us, sensitized us to the naked body. Perhaps societal status quo and standards have raised generations of uptight about nudity and the body masses.

Perhaps I'm rambling... I just don't see what the big deal is... male fetuses obtain erections within the womb, babies masturbate too. It's about educating our children and giving them to the knowledge they need...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Too young for what? Knowing her body? Knowing that's a private activity? It's natural for your boys and it's normal and natural so what is 4 too young for?


Too young for masturbation. WAY too young.

I would not tell my 4 year old "next time, if you are going to play with yourself, close the door and wash yourself".

I will still teach them about their body/private parts and things you stated. 

BUT I will recommend (not force) that they not do that until they are a bit older.

There is a time and place for EVERYTHING.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

DoF said:


> Too young for masturbation. WAY too young.
> 
> I would not tell my 4 year old "next time, if you are going to play with yourself, close the door and wash yourself".
> 
> ...


All small children do it. Making them stop with either make them hide it and feel shameful or squash their sexual feelings. A child isn't going to become promiscuous because they masturbate. We also don't know if they are just exploring. Especially girls who can't see what they have down there. They need a mirror or need to explore to know what is there. You seem fine with boys that will hump everything. 

I'm not suggesting you encourage it, OR discourage it. Just say if she is going to put her hands there, she needs to wash them first and shut the door.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I'll further add - have you considered why you react this way? Specifically, the "I wish I could unsee." Why does it bother you so much?
> 
> Very likely you did something similar when you were her age, and your mother shamed you for what you did. Those early impressions are imprinted into our minds in a way that can be very permanent. You do not want your daughter to be ashamed of her body, or the pleasure that those parts of her body can give her later.
> 
> I do not think women are any more innately sexually repressed than men. They would naturally be as sexually adventurous if it wasn't for the shaming they get as impressionable young children. Boys get the same treatment, but they don't turn out the same way because testosterone is such a powerful mind altering hormone.


My parents were very "anti pleasure" for lack of a better expression. Heavily into church, considered making out "gate way sex" an So forth. Not commonly talked about in my house growing up. I think the reason I wish I could unsee it is because it's just further proof that my baby is growing up. My husband is more of the "Google it and then ask me questions" sort of guy, but I want to have a not personal, comfortable approach to it with my kids. After I thought about it I realized it was completely normal and not wrong or shameful in any way. I guess I already know that an just reacted from years at home being made to think the subject wasn't one to openly discuss. I'm going to take the advice found on here and speak with her privately and do my best to make sure it's as basic, need to know and as positively reinforced as possible.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You're absolutely right. Without the testosterone to override the shaming, far too many women get stuck in denial.
> 
> STM,
> 
> And if your daughter does tell the other kids about her clitoris, urethra, vulva, labia, vagina.....? So what? Treat it just like her telling other kids about her epidermis, her tibia, uvula and tonsils. These are body parts every girls has, why does it have to be a secret? In terms of touching her body parts... Is it a big secret that she picks her nose? Treat it just like picking her nose, something we do in private without wiping it on the damn walls! Use a frigging Kleenex for gods sake!


I disagree with telling her about the anatomy and functions at her age because regardless of how hard I try to reinforce that it's healthy and normal and nothing shameful, others will. She goes to a Christian preschool and the majority of my immediate family are religious. The last thing I want for my daughter is to put her in a confusing position where mommy tells her it's okay to touch and/or talk about this, only to have someone else she love dearly get onto her for something of a sexual (or seemingly sexual) nature. My daughter has her own opinions, but she also is very strongly influenced by those who care for her. If calmly having a private discussion with her about how natural touching herself is and that it's a private matter to be kept to herself means sparing her feeling from being hurt until she's old enough to handle it and argue her case, then that's what I'm going to do. She is only four, after all.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> My parents were very "anti pleasure" for lack of a better expression. Heavily into church, considered making out "gate way sex" an So forth. Not commonly talked about in my house growing up. I think the reason I wish I could unsee it is because it's just further proof that my baby is growing up. My husband is more of the "Google it and then ask me questions" sort of guy, but I want to have a not personal, comfortable approach to it with my kids. After I thought about it I realized it was completely normal and not wrong or shameful in any way. I guess I already know that an just reacted from years at home being made to think the subject wasn't one to openly discuss. I'm going to take the advice found on here and speak with her privately and do my best to make sure it's as basic, need to know and as positively reinforced as possible.


Thats the good thing about parenting. We get to make our own decisions about how to raise our kids, not based in some alarmist philosophy but on facts.

Every parent has had to confront times when our own parents words wanted to come screaming from our mouths. That's when we have to really think, do some fact checking, conduct some research so we know the decision we make is founded in solid understanding of human development and healthy behavior and not in old wives tales.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> I disagree with telling her about the anatomy and functions at her age because regardless of how hard I try to reinforce that it's healthy and normal and nothing shameful, others will. She goes to a Christian preschool and the majority of my immediate family are religious. The last thing I want for my daughter is to put her in a confusing position where mommy tells her it's okay to touch and/or talk about this, only to have someone else she love dearly get onto her for something of a sexual (or seemingly sexual) nature. My daughter has her own opinions, but she also is very strongly influenced by those who care for her. If calmly having a private discussion with her about how natural touching herself is and that it's a private matter to be kept to herself means sparing her feeling from being hurt until she's old enough to handle it and argue her case, then that's what I'm going to do. She is only four, after all.


One, I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Two, I don't suggest any parent raise their child by committee think.
Three, she's your daughter and you get to decide what's best.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> All small children do it. Making them stop with either make them hide it and feel shameful or squash their sexual feelings. A child isn't going to become promiscuous because they masturbate. We also don't know if they are just exploring. Especially girls who can't see what they have down there. They need a mirror or need to explore to know what is there. You seem fine with boys that will hump everything.
> 
> I'm not suggesting you encourage it, OR discourage it. Just say if she is going to put her hands there, she needs to wash them first and shut the door.


Discovery, education on the subject is one thing.

Telling them to close door when they do it aka encouraging is another. And no I would not encourage ANY child to do it at that age and will tell them to stay away from their private parts unless it's cleaning/washing until later on in life.....when they are old enough/its appropriate.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Well, thanks for the advice everyone. I guess everyone has their own opinion, all of them valid. I appreciate the input from everyone.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

There have been 3D ultrasounds of babies exploring themselves in the womb. Children that young don't touch themselves as a sexual act - there is no fantasizing about sex or acting sex out unless they have been molested. It simply just feels good to them and it's totally normal. Right now, my 19 month old is in the tub behind me and he is playing with his penis as he always does in the tub. It's normal. He also reaches down there almost every diaper change...

As for the modesty aspect. I would encourage your daughter to at least wear panties in front of her brothers/in the living room. And also make a rule about being fully clothed if company comes over. She's only 4 kids love being naked at that age. When she's older, then she can wear panties and a t-shirt when at home and then shorts. 

My oldest son is 9, soon to be 10. Even he would be naked if he could. He is not modest at all and sleeps butt naked a lot of the time. Still, he has to at least wear boxer shorts when not in his room and is fully dressed if company comes over.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> I disagree with telling her about the anatomy and functions at her age because regardless of how hard I try to reinforce that it's healthy and normal and nothing shameful, others will. She goes to a Christian preschool and the majority of my immediate family are religious. The last thing I want for my daughter is to put her in a confusing position where mommy tells her it's okay to touch and/or talk about this, only to have someone else she love dearly get onto her for something of a sexual (or seemingly sexual) nature. My daughter has her own opinions, but she also is very strongly influenced by those who care for her. If calmly having a private discussion with her about how natural touching herself is and that it's a private matter to be kept to herself means sparing her feeling from being hurt until she's old enough to handle it and argue her case, then that's what I'm going to do. She is only four, after all.


Then you explain to the others who care for her what she's doing, and what you want them to say if they catch her. If they won't follow your lead, they don't look after her. Simple.

YOU'RE the mum. YOU decide how your child is raised.

My stepdaughter is like most kids, the minute we get home from anywhere she strips off and runs around in her undies. Absolutely nothing wrong with this. She can't do it at her mother's house because of mum's bf, but she can do it here when it's just me, hubby and if my mum (her nana) is visiting. Anyone else we make her get dressed.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

And here I was expecting a thread about how someone came home and found their naked overweight spouse sliding around the kitchen floor covered in peanut butter and barking like a seal. 

" ARK ARK ARK ARK " 

Yea I know this is a mental picture a few of you won't be able to let go of next time you see your spouse in the kitchen. :rofl:


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