# This Is Why You Shouldn't Marry At Age 20



## ALifeIsForLiving (Jun 23, 2012)

So I met my husband online when I was 20, right before I went into the military. Fast forward a few months - I was scared of the instability of a new life in the military, of being a "real grown up" and being 3000 miles away from my family. When my husband asked me to marry him, I agreed mostly because I didn't want to be rude (stupid thing to do) and went through with it because it sounded like stability in a new unstable life (also stupid.) 

As I was signing the papers, I was thinking "this can't possibly last more than 6 months." At 6 months I was thinking "this can't possibly last past the first year." Ect, Ect. 

We've been married for almost five years now. 

We have finally worked out a companionable relationship. Like room mates that go to the movies once in a while. It's comfortable, but I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM. 

On one hand, I feel like most marriages that start with romance end up companionable anyway. Arranged marriages have a lower divorce rate than "romance" marriages. 

On the other hand, if never having been in love with my husband means that divorce is inevitable, I'd rather free both of us now after five years, instead of after 15 or 20. 

I know the most important ingredient missing here is to find out how my husband feels about me. If he really is emotionally invested in this marriage in a way that I am not. I really don't know the answer to that one. 

I don't know what questions I should even be asking myself. Can I take the fact that we've made this work for five years as a good sign in a world that undervalues partnership, or am I dragging out a doomed mistake that will hurt both of us more?

Really, someone should have shaken me and given me a good slap across the face when I was 20, and then there would be no problem. 

I'm just looking for some perspective here. Thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe the two of you should go to MC where the right questions can be asked and answered.

Are you in emotional pain in this relationship?

Does your husband work and provide financial support too?

Sounds like you have no children? Is this right?


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## ALifeIsForLiving (Jun 23, 2012)

I've thought about going to a counselor, but I would want to at least start by going by myself. How do you tell your husband of five years that you've never been in love with him? That is baggage I would need to deal with on my own before seeing a counselor with him. Hence, starting here. 

1. The first two years were horrible. Almost verging on emotional abuse. But that hasn't happened in years. I guess we've just learned how to pull the circuit breaker on each other before it gets to that point. I would have been justified leaving in the first year. But I didn't. Now we don't have those problems so much. 

2. Yes, he is employed. Doesn't drink excessively. Doesn't do drugs. He's really not a bad guy. 

3. No, we don't have kids. I would never consider having kids until this is all resolved. Or I am resolved. Whatever that means. In fact, I'm not sure that I want children at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you dated and got married, did you tell him that you loved him?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

This is really tough. You've made it 5 years...so there has to be something there. You obviously care for him, otherwise this thought wouldn't bother you and you would be able to just tell him. 

I don't know of you are of Christian faith, but that is really not a necessity to do this. Have you heard of the movie Fireproof or the book called the Love Dare? Look it up if not, purchase this book and give it to your husband. Ask him to do it for you the best that he can. Its like a new task every day that it supposed to help rekindle lost love. After he does this, and if it doesn't work, and you know that are certain now that you are definitely not in love with him and you don't have to feel bad about leaving, because at least you tried.


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