# Need practical advice please - My spouse has left - bills are due and she won't communicate



## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

so - my wife of 27 years has left and moved out for the second time in a year. The household bills are due this week and she won't communicate with me - we have a joint account and both of our social security checks go in there in a couple of days. I'm not penniless but close to it. I've always been the one to pay all the bills jointly and can't afford them all on my own. In order to keep our home - I need her contribution of money as well as my own or I won't make ends meet this month and will be in danger of missing several payments. She won't communicate with me at all - I've tried texts, emails and snail mail. Apparently, she has opened a new account in her name only at our bank. I have opened my own account as well but at a difference bank. It takes over a month to change your direct deposit for social security and it's only been a little more than a week since she left so too late to change for this month. I'm afraid she's made arrangements with the bank to have all our money transferred upon it hitting the account. Anybody have any advice?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

It makes it harder when a poster open two different topics that could well have been one , 
for me I now have to try and think of what you told us in the first and can't just scroll up so if I get anything wrong don't hold it against me , 
I have no idea of US law so I can not talk on that side 
but it would look to me that the money problems is going to be for this month ,as next month the house is paid for and your two bank accounts will be set up 
THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER , 
in you first post on the first topic you left the fact she moved out twice or did I FORGET that , 
the house will be sold as both have paid into it and there will be some type of splitting up costs , 

Looks like you will have to find a new place to live and you might need to think about some type of job 

social security is not going to be enough and it was not supposed to be 
we have one woman truck driver that comes to our place she is 78 and starting driving at 62 when she retired from farming and her retirement was way to little to live out of , 

You both are responsible for the bills and will have to find a way to talk and except that the relationship is over and the sooner both do this and start living like grown up the better and cost less as extra cost are going to go on to any bills not paid this week or next


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you can't afford the bills on your own it's time to look for a new place, a side hustle or a roommate. Keep track of everything you pay so it gets accounted for in the divorce

Between her interfering EX who she seems to have left you for, moving out for the 2nd time & now this financial split, your marriage is over. Time to take practical steps to mitigate the damage.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

Time to talk to a lawyer.


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> It makes it harder when a poster open two different topics that could well have been one ,
> for me I now have to try and think of what you told us in the first and can't just scroll up so if I get anything wrong don't hold it against me ,
> I have no idea of US law so I can not talk on that side
> but it would look to me that the money problems is going to be for this month ,as next month the house is paid for and your two bank accounts will be set up
> ...


Sorry if I posted things incorrectly. I’m new to this as of a couple of days ago.


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> If you can't afford the bills on your own it's time to look for a new place, a side hustle or a roommate. Keep track of everything you pay so it gets accounted for in the divorce
> 
> Between her interfering EX who she seems to have left you for, moving out for the 2nd time & now this financial split, your marriage is over. Time to take practical steps to mitigate the damage.


I can afford to stay in my home with some cutbacks like satellite tv. We live in a very rural area so antennae isn’t possible. I can’t afford to buy her out and I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that.


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

Enigmatic said:


> Time to talk to a lawyer.


Appointment on Monday


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

lewsue62 said:


> so - my wife of 27 years has left and moved out for the second time in a year. The household bills are due this week and she won't communicate with me - we have a joint account and both of our social security checks go in there in a couple of days. I'm not penniless but close to it. I've always been the one to pay all the bills jointly and can't afford them all on my own. In order to keep our home - I need her contribution of money as well as my own or I won't make ends meet this month and will be in danger of missing several payments. She won't communicate with me at all - I've tried texts, emails and snail mail. Apparently, she has opened a new account in her name only at our bank. I have opened my own account as well but at a difference bank. It takes over a month to change your direct deposit for social security and it's only been a little more than a week since she left so too late to change for this month. I'm afraid she's made arrangements with the bank to have all our money transferred upon it hitting the account. Anybody have any advice?


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

I should have clarified that I it’s mostly that I can’t pay her credit cards any longer. I was paying the balances off completely every month but that’s not gonna happen going forward. I was an authorized user and we both used them.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Leave the bills at the bank that are in her name. She can take care of those payments.
Unless you know where she’s living - then forward her mail there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lewsue62 said:


> I should have clarified that I it’s mostly that I can’t pay her credit cards any longer. I was paying the balances off completely every month but that’s not gonna happen going forward. I was an authorized user and we both used them.


Then don't pay the cards. 

Only pay the bills that you need to keep a roof over your head, eat, and medical.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beach123 said:


> Leave the bills at the bank that are in her name. She can take care of those payments.
> Unless you know where she’s living - then forward her mail there.


Leave bills at the bank? Why would the bank take her bills?


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## lewsue62 (6 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Leave the bills at the bank that are in her name. She can take care of those payments.
> Unless you know where she’s living - then forward her mail there.


That’s a great idea! Thanks


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Do not leave the bills at the bank. She lives next door with her EX. Given them to her. 

Stop paying her bills. Get rid of satelite & get a firestick Figure out a plan. If you can't buy her out, the house will have to be sold. I don't know why you would want to live next to her & her EX. Watching that every day would kill me. Change may be good for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

D0nnivain said:


> Do not *leave the bills at the bank*. She lives next door with her EX. Given them to her.
> 
> Stop paying her bills. Get rid of satelite & get a firestick Figure out a plan. If you can't buy her out, the house will have to be sold. I don't know why you would want to live next to her & her EX. Watching that every day would kill me. Change may be good for you.


Can anyone explain to me what this means _"leave the bills at the bank"_? You can't just take someone's bills and leave them at their bank. So, what is being suggested with this phrase?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If the people at the bank know her - and she comes in regularly - they could pass it to her when she is in.
But, if she lives next door, put all her bills in that mailbox!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lewsue62 said:


> I should have clarified that I it’s mostly that I can’t pay her credit cards any longer. I was paying the balances off completely every month but that’s not gonna happen going forward. I was an authorized user and we both used them.


Cancel the credit cards if YOU are responsible for them.
If you are afraid she will take all of your money out of your joint account, transfer the balance to YOUR account now so that she cannot take it (IF you are due all of that money -- if not, take 1/2 -- a lawyer should be able to tell you).
While this is heartbreaking for you, do not let your emotions stop you from taking action to protect yourself immediately.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beach123 said:


> If the people at the bank know her - and she comes in regularly - they could pass it to her when she is in.
> But, if she lives next door, put all her bills in that mailbox!


It's a violation of US postal regulations to give someone's mail to another person. Both the person providing the mail to the bank employee and the bank employee who would take the mail are breaking the law.

I'm pretty sure that there are also bank regulations/laws that do not allow any bank and/or bank employee to take possession of property (to include) mail that belongs to a third party.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

lewsue62 said:


> I should have clarified that I it’s mostly that I can’t pay her credit cards any longer. I was paying the balances off completely every month but that’s not gonna happen going forward. I was an authorized user and we both used them.


Get your name off the cards.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

lewsue62 said:


> I should have clarified that I it’s mostly that I can’t pay her credit cards any longer. I was paying the balances off completely every month but that’s not gonna happen going forward. I was an authorized user and we both used them.


If you're an authorized user, it's not your credit on the line. If the bill doesn't get paid, you're not responsible in any way. Zero percent liability.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Get your name off the cards.


In this case, it would be on her ex to remove her. As an authorized user, she could technically run up the cards to the limit and not be responsible for the bill. Most CCs now have a primary account holder and authorized users in place of joint accounts for the second, even with married couples. It saves them money on the front end to not pull bureaus on the 2nd user when nearly all the information will be the same.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

lewsue62 said:


> so - my wife of 27 years has left and moved out for the second time in a year. The household bills are due this week and she won't communicate with me - we have a joint account and both of our social security checks go in there in a couple of days. I'm not penniless but close to it. I've always been the one to pay all the bills jointly and can't afford them all on my own. In order to keep our home - I need her contribution of money as well as my own or I won't make ends meet this month and will be in danger of missing several payments. She won't communicate with me at all - I've tried texts, emails and snail mail. Apparently, she has opened a new account in her name only at our bank. I have opened my own account as well but at a difference bank. It takes over a month to change your direct deposit for social security and it's only been a little more than a week since she left so too late to change for this month. I'm afraid she's made arrangements with the bank to have all our money transferred upon it hitting the account. Anybody have any advice?


Keep a record of all bills you have paid since she left and contact an attorney.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Zedd said:


> If you're an authorized user, it's not your credit on the line. If the bill doesn't get paid, you're not responsible in any way. Zero percent liability.
> 
> 
> In this case, it would be on her ex to remove her. As an authorized user, she could technically run up the cards to the limit and not be responsible for the bill. Most CCs now have a primary account holder and authorized users in place of joint accounts for the second, even with married couples. It saves them money on the front end to not pull bureaus on the 2nd user when nearly all the information will be the same.


If you're an authorized user, should primary not pay all users are pursued for payment.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you're an authorized user, should primary not pay all users are pursued for payment.


that's not correct. Authorized users have zero responsibility for the debt. Zero.

Now, depending how the issuer reports it to the credit reporting agencies, it could have a small affect on your credit, good or bad, and not all banks note the difference when they pull credit to see if it's an authorized user account or a primary account.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

If she's an authorized user on your credit card, remove her now. You are responsible for that debt.

If you are an authorized user on her credit card, there is nothing for you to do. She can choose to remove you or not, but she is responsible for that debt. You do not need to make payments on this debt and you should stop doing so if you have been.

If she is a legal co-owner of your home, keep any mail addressed to her on a hall table (or similar) and let her know she has mail waiting for her. Don't take it upon yourself to place the mail in her ex's mailbox or at any other location. The mail was lawfully delivered and, absent a forwarding order with the Post Office, you risk doing more harm than good by sending it elsewhere. It's her responsibility to ensure her mail is delivered to her location.

Stop paying for any debts that are not in your name. 

If you have a joint bank account that can be closed by either one of you without the other's signature, check with a lawyer to see if you can remove 1/2 the monies now. At a minimum, open your own separate account and have your paycheck, ssi, etc., directed to the new account.

Keep records of everything you pay and start building a file of everything you've paid to date. This will be cumbersome but will likely help you in the divorce settlement.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Zedd said:


> that's not correct. Authorized users have zero responsibility for the debt. Zero.
> 
> Now, depending how the issuer reports it to the credit reporting agencies, it could have a small affect on your credit, good or bad, and not all banks note the difference when they pull credit to see if it's an authorized user account or a primary account.


Yes, if primary doesn't pay the card the company will go after a spouse and yes, it will hurt credit rating.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes, if primary doesn't pay the card the company will go after a spouse and yes, it will hurt credit rating.


Not if the spouse is an authorized user. Authorized user is different than co-signer.

for example:

You have a kid that goes off to college, signs up for a credit card, has you sign it with them, then yes, they can go after you.
You have a kid that goes off to college, you give them an authorized user card on YOUR account, they cannot go after the kid for the debt.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Zedd said:


> Not if the spouse is an authorized user. Authorized user is different than co-signer.
> 
> for example:
> 
> ...


Key word is spouse. Spouse. Spouse. 

But you have your opinion and I have my observations from friends' divorces, relative's same, and first hand legacy experiences. That's ok, we can disagree.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Key word is spouse. Spouse. Spouse.
> 
> But you have your opinion and I have my observations from friends' divorces, relative's same, and first hand legacy experiences. That's ok, we can disagree.


Ok. If you're giving recourse as part of a divorce, I'll concede, it could be different. 

I'm giving recourse a creditor has. Legally a creditor cannot go after an authorized user - even a spouse. They can only legally go after the person that signed the contract for the debt.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If her name is on the hoise you may have tp buy her out, assuming there's any equity.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Zedd said:


> Ok. If you're giving recourse as part of a divorce, I'll concede, it could be different.
> 
> I'm giving recourse a creditor has. Legally a creditor cannot go after an authorized user - even a spouse. They can only legally go after the person that signed the contract for the debt.


I had this issue with my mom because she died owing money on a credit card she had me as an authorized user on (unbeknownst to me).

It is correct that "authorized users" aren't liable. When it goes to divorce it may be split as a marital debt but until then the creditor has limited recourse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lewsue62 said:


> so - my wife of 27 years has left and moved out for the second time in a year. The household bills are due this week and she won't communicate with me - we have a joint account and both of our social security checks go in there in a couple of days. I'm not penniless but close to it. I've always been the one to pay all the bills jointly and can't afford them all on my own. In order to keep our home - I need her contribution of money as well as my own or I won't make ends meet this month and will be in danger of missing several payments. She won't communicate with me at all - I've tried texts, emails and snail mail. Apparently, she has opened a new account in her name only at our bank. I have opened my own account as well but at a difference bank. It takes over a month to change your direct deposit for social security and it's only been a little more than a week since she left so too late to change for this month. I'm afraid she's made arrangements with the bank to have all our money transferred upon it hitting the account. Anybody have any advice?


Call your own bank and find out. Just ask them. It's unlikely she made off with your social security check.


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