# Marriage Trouble



## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

My husband and I have gone through some major challenges the past 2 years. We have only been married 3 years, but together for a total of 8. Our latest, biggest struggle is an issue with my parents. It is a very long story - but in a nut shell, they have tried to tell us what to do and clearly show that they do not trust me or my husband to make big decisions that are ours to make. I believe they have good intentions, but they fail to apologize when we have told them they have crossed a boundary. They refuse to admit they did anything wrong and major verbal arguments between my husband and I and my parents have occured. My husband and I are also arguing with each other too.

We have talked to a few thereapists. We agreed no contact with them for 1 year. I broke this promise when I texted my mother on mother's day. All I said was "happy mother's day, I love you." I did not see her or talk to her on the phone. I broke the promise I made to my husband and when I told him about it, he got very upset with me and said if it happens again he may leave me. I apologized and said I would not do it again.

6 months have gone by and a coworker's father died unexpectantly. When this occurred, I had so much anxiety for my parents. I thought what if something happens to them? How will I feel? Unfortunately for me during this time my mother also emailed me and just asked how I was doing. I hadn't talked to her for about 6 months. With the death of the coworker's husband in my head I responded to my mother's message. My husband asked a few days later if I have communicated with them at all and I told him the truth that I responded to the email my mom sent. He got very upset and said I betrayed him and broke his trust. He is thinking of leaving me now. I just don't know how I am going to move on without my parents and now without my husband. I have no one and feel as though I'm dying inside. I feel bad for my husband and feel blame for him dealing with all of this. I shouldn't have responded to hear - but sometimes I worry something will happen to my parents. I was doing really well without talking to her for quite sometimes, but I had this mishap and ruined things with my husband.

What I did was wrong. I never should have responded to my mother a second time when I promised I would have no contact. This has been so hard though. I love my husband and want to be with him. I don't blame him for being tired of dealing with my toxic parents and have to deal with the roller coaster of emotions that come with it. How can I earn my husband's trust back? What should I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No contact with your parents for 1 year? That is absurd. 

How's the rest of the marriage other than you trying to slip an email or text to your mother every 6 months? Does this seem silly when you see someone else put it in writing? It's crazy. What exactly did you or your parents do to make your husband/therapist hate them so much? I'm wondering if your dad sexually abused you?

Are you two intimate? How often are you having sex?


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

I can see how you think it is silly - I would too reading it, but there has been a lot that has gone on that I didn't include - would take too long to type. Long story short, I didn't do anything to make him hate them. An example - we wanted to buy a house, our mom was our realestate agent and she and my dad did not agree with the house we wanted to buy. They tried to stop us even after being told that we wanted to make our own decision. Also, they came to my house to talk to me after I told them I did not want to talk that day. They knocked on the door for awhile then opened the garage to try and get in - a huge cross of boundary, but they still don't think they did anything wrong. I can't seem to get through to them.

We are intimate as much as we can - he works a lot and we usually only see each other on the weekends. Sometimes we see each other during the week, but not often.

**there was no sexual abuse


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is what bothers me. It's one thing to not allow your parents to interfere with your marriage and bother your husband.

But if you want to communicate with them and even see them on your own terms, keeping him out of it, there should be no reason why you cannot.

Does your husband try to control other things that you do? Does he interfere with your friends?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Here is what bothers me. It's one thing to not allow your parents to interfere with your marriage and bother your husband.
> 
> But if you want to communicate with them and even see them on your own terms, keeping him out of it, there should be no reason why you cannot.
> 
> Does your husband try to control other things that you do? Does he interfere with your friends?


Unless your parents could see what a control freak your husband is and were trying to protect you, but not doing it well?

There are problems in your marriage. But they may not be the problems you think they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I have a MIL from hell, she is insane God love her. The last time I spoke to her was around a year ago as I cannot cope with the drama that she creates in our lives. But my H can and does cope with it. There have been numerous occasions that she has tried to split us up - unsuccessfully. Our solution is my H doesn't talk to me about her, and he doesn't talk to her about me. It works.

Never once in 21 years have I expected him not to see his parents. That is not my decisions to make. He can tolerate her controlling behaviour for a few hours once a month and he is at the other end of a phone if she needs him. It no longer effects me in the slightest other than having funny MIL stories to tell at dinner parties. 

I think your H is being unreasonable and demonstrating the same controlling behaviour he despises in his ILs.

That being said I can sympathise with how frustrating it is to have in laws that stir up the pot in a marriage. Definitely consider the subject of your parents to be completely off-topic. Just don't talk about them. If they try and talk about your H in a derogatory manner or try and tell you how to live your life you change the subject - eventually they will get the message . You are aware that they are controlling and that should be enough for it not to interfere in your marriage.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

teach727 said:


> My husband and I have gone through some major challenges the past 2 years. We have only been married 3 years, but together for a total of 8. Our latest, biggest struggle is an issue with my parents. It is a very long story - but in a nut shell, they have tried to tell us what to do and clearly show that they do not trust me or my husband to make big decisions that are ours to make. I believe they have good intentions, but they fail to apologize when we have told them they have crossed a boundary. They refuse to admit they did anything wrong and major verbal arguments between my husband and I and my parents have occured. My husband and I are also arguing with each other too.
> 
> We have talked to a few thereapists. We agreed no contact with them for 1 year. I broke this promise when I texted my mother on mother's day. All I said was "happy mother's day, I love you." I did not see her or talk to her on the phone. I broke the promise I made to my husband and when I told him about it, he got very upset with me and said if it happens again he may leave me. I apologized and said I would not do it again.
> 
> ...


ah...there are worse things to do in the world than texting your mother on mother's day. Mother's and daughter's usually have a very special bond and I agree that it is unreasonable to say absolutely no contact for a year. I don't get along with my parents and do not physically see them anymore (they want a relationship I do not) however we have agreed that we at least talk on the phone from time to time to see how each other is doing and if we are at a bigger family event we are social. Admittedly you should probably have told your husband first, and I get he feels betrayed, but, they are your blood and not a friend. 

With trust, what has been working for me, is open communication and above all action. Parents can be tough to deal with but 1) they are people, have faults, and are not always right and 2) we did not choose them. Sometimes you just need to have the talk with them to say look, you are my mom/dad and a part of my life forever in one way or the other, and you can choose to do X or behave in Y way, or, I have to cut you off...distance myself...etc...for my own good. It was a devastating talk for mine, but, they get over it...


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

OP I wanted to add to my original post that I remember how hard it was for my H when things were very intense with his mother's controlling behaviour.

I had to bare in mind that he has never know anything else and it would be second nature to be compliant and agreeable. I, however, came from a family that were very easy going and 'whatever' about things. So this is what caused the tension between us. For example he may come home from visiting his mother to announce that we need to cancel the holiday in London because she insists it is full of terrorists. Frustrating for me because I want to visit the galleries in London, but stressful for him because he is hard-wired to be obedient = arguments. 

Work out how much contact with your family that you can tolerate. My H has this rather happy persona where he just goes and nods his head, smiles and comes back home to his happy life, leaving the criticism and nagging behind. Problems only happen when the child of the difficult parent has no idea they are being manipulated and controlled. You seem to be aware of what your parents are doing and how it effects your marriage which gives you the upper hand.

Could you reassure your H that minimal contact with your parents will not effect your relationship because you are fully aware of the trouble they are causing?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

teach727 said:


> I can see how you think it is silly - I would too reading it, but there has been a lot that has gone on that I didn't include - would take too long to type. Long story short, I didn't do anything to make him hate them. An example - we wanted to buy a house, our mom was our realestate agent and she and my dad did not agree with the house we wanted to buy. They tried to stop us even after being told that we wanted to make our own decision. Also, they came to my house to talk to me after I told them I did not want to talk that day. They knocked on the door for awhile then opened the garage to try and get in - a huge cross of boundary, but they still don't think they did anything wrong. I can't seem to get through to them.
> 
> We are intimate as much as we can - he works a lot and we usually only see each other on the weekends. Sometimes we see each other during the week, but not often.
> 
> **there was no sexual abuse


So a professionally qualified realtor (who just happened to be your mother!) possibly spotted something wrong in the house that your husband just "had to have!" and your husband did his 'wittle pouty face' and screamed: "But I wants it!"

Now, I could be wrong, perhaps I am being unfair on your husband and perhaps your husband did not do the above, but to demand *no contact* with your parents for a year? And make it an: "And if you do, I will run away from home!" issue? Whoo, boy! Your husband *does* sulk, doesn't he? :scratchhead:

Unless you noticed that your parents were controlling monsters before your wedding, then it *might* be that some of these issues relate to your husband's attitude? Perhaps even the majority?

You are in a difficult position. The daughter of Mr and Mrs Controller and the wife of Captain Immature?

Not an enviable situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

teach727 said:


> They knocked on the door for awhile then opened the garage to try and get in - a huge cross of boundary, but they still don't think they did anything wrong. I can't seem to get through to them.



The parents are awfully pushy, also.

This is not mutual respect.

This is tough love from the parents when none is due.

My wife is a Hover, a Helicopter parent. It creates problems and resentment from independent children [as ours are].

Me? I let them do as they please, give advice when asked and am low key.

I show them 1/10th the love and get ten times more in return then my very generous, loving wife. Go figure!

Controlling behavior is not appreciated by anyone.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think you need to discuss this again. A successful marriage is one that deals with conflict NOT by always agreeing, but by UNDERSTANDING differences, negotiating positions, and accepting that each person has some autonomy when disagreements arise.

For example, perhaps you agree to NOT having any meetings, parties, outings, etc with the parents and the both of you for 6 months. BUT you are free to contact them as much as you want, provided it doesn't interfere in your relationship with your H too much. When that happens, discuss it and find out what upset your H about your contact with your parents. Were you out of sorts for a day? That's ok and expected but not enough to prevent you from contacting them. Were you upset for a week after an issue with your parents? That's starting to impact your marriage, so discuss why you were so upset.

The point is to with through this issue as a team of two independent people who want to have some autonomy and respect for each other's needs, but also protect your marriage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's the thing... teach727 already explained that there is a lot more to this story that she hasn't listed out (except for the house thing). The parent issue was so bad they saw therapists who I assumed either suggested or agreed to the "no contact" thing. That should give us an indication as to how bad things were.

What teach727 should have done on mother's day was get agreement from her husband to change the already agreed upon route of no contact and let them BOTH decide whether or not it was a good idea. The same goes for when her mother texted her. Talk it out before responding.

Again, some nasty sh!t must have gone down for them to get to this point and it's only fair that they talk before changing/violating the agreement.

What should teach727 do now? Apologize to her husband, reinforce the agreement they have (or renegotiate it) and try to move on.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

peacem said:


> Our solution is my H doesn't talk to me about her, and he doesn't talk to her about me. It works.


It works because you are understanding and at least a little bit pragmatic.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So, the one example you gave... your parents tried to physically enter your home after you told them you didn't want to talk?? Do they always to crap like that?? If yes, then limiting contact may be justified. I would think wishing happy birthday or mothers day or whatever would be ok, but as far as involving them in your lives...probably not.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Yes! I think you have the situation down pretty well....I wish my husband wouldn't get so mad about me talking to her, but I did break our agreement. He is so worried that if I let them back in they will hurt our relationship. He has a huge fear that this will happen. I would have talked to my husband first about it, but every time I bring them up he gets very angry and we usually have a terrible argument. I'm trying to be patient with him, but I'm struggling and need his comfort and love, not anger.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Thank you all for the responses I really appreciate it. My husband has never been a control freak. He has always respected my outside relationships. However, the issues that went down between him and I and my parents have really gotten to him. He has a big fear that if we let them back into our lives they will continue to hurt us. He is also very worried about us having children. He thinks if we have kids they will be taken advantage of by my parents. I do not plan on ever allowing this, but I would like them to meet their grandparents. I'm not going to tell my kids - "I don't talk to my mom and dad. We had an argument and never solved it." What message does that send to my kids? We do not have kids now, but my husband is wondering if he should leave me before we have kids to prevent bigger issues.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think your husband is probably a control freak but a clever and manipulative one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

d


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

peacem said:


> OP I wanted to add to my original post that I remember how hard it was for my H when things were very intense with his mother's controlling behaviour.
> 
> I had to bare in mind that he has never know anything else and it would be second nature to be compliant and agreeable. I, however, came from a family that were very easy going and 'whatever' about things. So this is what caused the tension between us. For example he may come home from visiting his mother to announce that we need to cancel the holiday in London because she insists it is full of terrorists. Frustrating for me because I want to visit the galleries in London, but stressful for him because he is hard-wired to be obedient = arguments.
> 
> ...


I agree with what you are saying and I have tried to reassure him, but he keeps saying that me wanting a relationship with them is going against our marriage. He can't understand why I would want to see or talk to people that are against us. He looks at it as me turning my back on him.


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## FoghornLeghorn (Nov 15, 2016)

teach727 said:


> I agree with what you are saying and I have tried to reassure him, but he keeps saying that me wanting a relationship with them is going against our marriage. He can't understand why I would want to see or talk to people that are against us. He looks at it as me turning my back on him.


If there were major arguments over this and you went to counseling and the result of that was that you agreed to no contact for a year, I don't think it's fair for everyone here to Monday morning quarterback that decision and say it was an absurd regimen. If therapists suggested this length of time, there must have been a very good reason for everyone to agree to this approach. If it wasn't fair at the time, why did you agree to it? Now that you've breached the agreement, it is wrong to question the fairness of the agreement. 

My opinion is that it is totally on you to draw boundaries with your parents. If my parents made my wife uncomfortable by butting into our financial decisions, I would pin their ears back privately and not even think of putting my wife in the position of having to argue with them. For your H to be openly arguing with them is totally unacceptable on their part. It must have been bad and with the counseling he evidently felt like he had won a year of relief from your parents' intrusions. He undoubtedly sees them as stirring you up against him, which is frankly one of the worst things you can do to a man in a marriage. And now -- six months after what was probably an exhausting counseling session -- they're back in his house, effectively.

The kind of communication that you say is innocent (and it is indeed entirely innocent) is what he agreed could happen *after* one year of no contact. So it's not the messages that bother him per se, it's rather that he's counting on you to defend basic boundaries and you apparently cannot do that.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

teach727 said:


> I agree with what you are saying and I have tried to reassure him, but he keeps saying that me wanting a relationship with them is going against our marriage. He can't understand why I would want to see or talk to people that are against us. He looks at it as me turning my back on him.


OK. I remember years ago, at a time when MIL had tried to split us up, literally "leave her. She's ruining your life" (BS). It was the best thing that ever happened because the reason behind all those little snide remarks and passive aggressive acts and *****y comments were out in the open. He knew what his mother was playing at and he knew her accusations towards me were simply crazy.

However, he still visited her every Sunday with the children because 'it was the right thing to do'. I agreed. But it hurt me every time he went over there because it felt like little acts of betrayal because his mother hated me, wanted me out of the family, said some terrible things about me, smear campaigns the works and he still went over there to keep HER happy. What about ME?!

So H explained how he knew what she was doing, he knew that she was disordered, manipulative and probably a bit crazy. But it is still his mother, the only one he will ever have. There are also siblings to consider. If anyone from his family breaks away there are brothers and sisters that will also disappear from his life. Sometimes having a dysfunctional family of origin is better than having none. So we came to a compromise that he visited once a month with the children and he is also at the other end of the phone whenever she needs something. That way she does not impact my life very much at all. (She is not allowed to phone the house). 

I think the fact that a therapist suggested 'no contact' means that your family is very much toxic. You have to work out how much of this toxicity you can deal with and explain to your H how you will protect him from it, and how you will protect yourself. Also how will HE protect himself that doesn't involve controlling your decisions. I changed my home number and said 'no more family gatherings for me'. 

BTW My BIL and wife have gone very, very low contact (a few hours once a year). SIL told me she had to pull him away from his mother for his own mental health (clinical depression and co-dependency). Is there anything like this going on here?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

teach727 said:


> Yes! I think you have the situation down pretty well....I wish my husband wouldn't get so mad about me talking to her, but I did break our agreement. He is so worried that if I let them back in they will hurt our relationship. He has a huge fear that this will happen. I would have talked to my husband first about it, but every time I bring them up he gets very angry and we usually have a terrible argument. I'm trying to be patient with him, but I'm struggling and need his comfort and love, not anger.


Here's the thing. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't treat you as an equal. Stop apologizing to him. Tell him that this is untenable and you WILL contact your parents, but you will not allow them to interfere in your lives. If he's not willing to accept that, that's HIS problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> Here's the thing. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't treat you as an equal. Stop apologizing to him. Tell him that this is untenable and you WILL contact your parents, but you will not allow them to interfere in your lives. If he's not willing to accept that, that's HIS problem.


:iagree:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There's something wrong if you need to go NC with your parents. They aren't abusive, they are merely protective and intrusive. I can see my dad being this way, not so much my mom, when I get married...but, I'd never go NC with my parents in order to keep peace with my husband. No way. Unless they were abusive, or something...

But, the fact that your husband would be mad because you wished your mom a happy mother's day? Ugh. I think that you should think long and hard about the guy you married because no spouse has a right to come between you and your parents.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

teach727 said:


> I agree with what you are saying and I have tried to reassure him, but he keeps saying that me wanting a relationship with them is going against our marriage. He can't understand why I would want to see or talk to people that are against us. He looks at it as me turning my back on him.


Things got so bad you sought the help of a therapist. Things got so bad you BOTH agreed on no contact for a year.

Maybe it's YOU who can't understand the gravity of the situation. This isn't some "your parent said something mean to me so now I want you to break off contact" type of thing. This was bad enough that you BOTH agreed on a drastic course of action.

It really doesn't matter what the issue is. Two people in a marriage agree on something, whether finances, child-rearing, parent involvement, etc... then that agreement should stand until a change is discussed BEFORE the change is made.

Does he have a right to be angry becasue you spent $110 instead of the agreed $100 on groceries? Probably not. Does he have a right to be angry because you contacted your parents after therapy and a no contact agreement? Sure he does.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I think if you want valuable advice, you need to give us further details and examples as to what your parents have done.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Well he has told me that he is leaving - I guess we are done. Sad after 8 years together. I asked if he loves me and he said I love myself more than I love you. Huge slap in the face.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

You said it had been a couple rough years for you and your husband before these problems with your parents. What else was going on? Any chance he is just looking for an excuse to leave? Your parents sound intrusive and overbearing but if your worst situation with them is what you described over the house purchase, i don't get it. There are far worse in law stories. To keep absolutely no contact for a full year was too much for him to demand. It would have been better to communucate with your husband and negogiate more reasonable boundaries with your parents. But to keave your wife over 2 very limited contacts with her mother? Something seems off. What was the plan after the year of no contact with your parents? Was contact going to be allowed again? 

How old are you? Him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'll be happier without him, once you see what normal, decent relationships are like. And you'll kick yourself for waiting so long.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Abc123wife said:


> You said it had been a couple rough years for you and your husband before these problems with your parents. What else was going on? Any chance he is just looking for an excuse to leave? Your parents sound intrusive and overbearing but if your worst situation with them is what you described over the house purchase, i don't get it. There are far worse in law stories. To keep absolutely no contact for a full year was too much for him to demand. It would have been better to communucate with your husband and negogiate more reasonable boundaries with your parents. But to keave your wife over 2 very limited contacts with her mother? Something seems off. What was the plan after the year of no contact with your parents? Was contact going to be allowed again?
> 
> How old are you? Him?


We both are 28 years old. It was a couple rough years before the issues with the parents. He had a job before we were married with a verbally abusive boss. He quit the job a month before we got married and the boss sued him for the training that he signed a contract for. So our first 6 months were focused on court fees and meetings with lawyers. Then, we had to sell our new house because I had a very difficult time finding a job in the area we bought it in. He made a sacrifice for my career and found a job in a different area that I was able to find a job in. We ended up buying a house in the new area just last summer. Now he is telling me that all I did was take, take, take in the relationship - because he made sacrifices - I'm sorry that I couldn't find a job in the area you wanted me to...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I know you don't want to hear this, but you're both very young. It doesn't sound like your H was prepared to enter marriage. Sacrifices are a normal part of life, and though it sounds like you were both willing to make them, it also sounds like he let resentment build.

Resentment is a relationship killer. It poisons interactions and saddles new decisions with past unresolved issues. Maybe the buildup of tension and resentment caused your H to over emphasize the issue with your parents.

I don't see the parent issue as anything other than the normal process of blending families. Marrying someone means you have to learn to deal with in laws. I get the feeling your H doesn't accept this truth, and I suspect this will be an issue in any relationship he has.

So now he is adding up his contribution to the marriage, throwing in resentment and it's tipping the scales against the marriage. Sounds to me like throwing out the baby with the bath water.

I got married at your age after dating my W for 6 years. We were VERY different - but learned to accept and respect the differences and accept and respect each other's VERY different families. So that's my perspective. Nothing you've described would have been a deal breaker for me or my W but that's us.

I hope - if what you want is to stay together - that your H cools off and approaches this in a more mature manner. If not, there's nothing you really can do. I'm sorry 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I show [my children] 1/10th the love and get ten times more in return then my very generous, loving wife. Go figure!


Figured as follows: You give ten units of unconditional love. Your wife gives 100 units of conditional 'love' (i.e. self-serving 'loving feelings' that spew out with velcro attached to obligate the children).

You get ten units of your same coin in return. Your wife gets one unit of (possibly grudgingly given) filial affection in return.

One cent of unconditional love trumps a dollar of conditional 'love'.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

teach727 said:


> Ok - here is what broke the camel's back:
> 
> My husband and I were looking for a house (2 1/2 hours from his family, and 20 minutes from mine). He agreed to move to my area for my job. He left his job for lower pay so I could keep mine.
> 
> ...


What about the fact that your parents betrayed YOU?


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

teach727 said:


> I have explained numerous times [to my parents] that they can give advice, but cannot expect us to do what they want. We are married and need to make decisions together. When I explain this, *they continue to fight their point and do not agree with me*. I understand that in their head they are protecting us - but the yelling and control over what we do is not ok and makes it very difficult for my husband and I to make joint decisions together. *I feel as though I'm* in a tug of war - *betray[ing]* my parents or betray my husband.


Can I suggest that you read up on the various Personality Disorders (BPD, NPD etc) and visit websites for sufferers at the hands of those with PD.

Your parents may not have clinically diagnosable full-blown PD, but from my own experience I can tell you that realising that a parent has some of the clear attributes of a PD (so that maybe they could be regarded as a 'sub-clinical' PD sufferer) can trigger a lightbulb moment. You sudddenly realise that all your efforts over decades to get to any sort of 'proper' relationship are DOOMED and that you are faced with a situation that has to be 'managed'.

In the case of my mother, I really now 'get' that the NPD characteristics (which aren't all there by any means - no grandiosity, but 'embroiling', 'leaching' energy out of others, self-centredness at a very fundamental level - other people aren't REALLY separate people at all, but only bit-part players in their drama) are going to mean that I'm going to feel embroiled, leached and depersonalised. It ceases to be a case of thinking that I need to work on what must be a 'mother complex' and switches to managing the situation via limited contact, boundaries etc.

From my emboldening above, it does seem that you have been caught in a web of 'you are either for us/me, or against us/me'. PD sufferers are good at spinning webs.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I have a slightly different opinion. 

IMO, parents should never become a part of an adult couple's decision. 

Part of the whole experience of learning and growing in a relationship is to make decisions... and sometimes mistakes... together, without outside help. Then, it really becomes your (collective) decision. This is a very necessary step for all couples, regardless of age. 

While your H certainly acted very immature and unfairly upset (he has his own problems with anger management you can't begin to help him with), I felt after reading your post that you involve your family way too much and allow them to determine the timetable on you and your husband's major decisions. So much drama and headache where there needn't be. 

He doesn't trust them, hence why he checked on whether your mom put in the formal offer. If my mom started denying she'd done things she actually did, I wouldn't trust her either! Especially not with a responsibility I should be taking on myself. You care about the house? YOU do the legwork. 

Your husband willingly made sacrifices for the relationship. While I'm sure you're grateful, you are helping to take away his responsibility above all that. Many men find it their calling to be a provider or at least do their best to try. To be dependable. To just handle things in the partnership, with wife as first mate. He can't do any of that with your parents involved. Maybe that's not your precise dynamic, but unless your husband is extremely lazy, he doesn't need or want outside help unless he asks for it.

So, my suggestion is you talk, lay feelings from both sides on the table, LISTEN, and agree to leave your parents out of decisions that don't really involve them or their direct future happiness. I'm not saying ditch your parents, I'm saying trust that they (hopefully) taught you well and gave you wisdom, and trust that you and your husband will be fine together.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Both children asked me to look at houses that they were interested in buying. I gave them my opinion. They wanted my technical opinion. Questions on roof, construction integrity, foundation, plumbing, electrical, moving walls, etc..

They listened intently. Then they made their own decisions. I only talked them out of one [very shaky] house. It was a freshly painted dinosaur. Everything looked good....until Dad got there.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When you have parents like yours, the best thing you can do for yourself is to move 500 miles away - not twenty minutes. Twenty minutes is too far? LOL

Now, as you've learned; parents are forever if you can manage it whereas some spouses only stick around for a little while. Time with parents needs to be negotiated between spouses. Your husband could benefit from anger management therapy.


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## stephenmizell (Dec 3, 2016)

Marriage trouble affects every area of your life. Here are a couple of great resources. The first is a 30 day marriage healing journey that you two can go through together that point you down the path to healing: 30 Day Marriage Healing Journey | Marriage, Money & Making Babies

Here are also a couple of great articles that might be beneficial:

The Most Common Marriage Problem | Stephen Mizell - Lead Pastor At Open Door Church
5 Benefits of Marriage Counseling | Stephen Mizell - Lead Pastor At Open Door Church

I hope these resources can be of help.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am not going to try to navigate the shoals of if you should talk with your parents or not.

But you promised your husband to not do it, and did it anyway. Would it have killed you to first say to hubby "hey, i am going to text my mother happy mother's day on my phone" before you did it. Sounds like you are deliberately trying to piss him off on a topic you KNOW he is very sensitive about. 

Why are you doing that?


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Let all your conflicts get resolved before they break your relationship. You can do this by seeking marriage therapy.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

emmasmith said:


> Let all your conflicts get resolved before they break your relationship. You can do this by seeking marriage therapy.


I told him I wanted to see a counselor before we throw in the towel. We saw a priest to deal with the parent issue, but never a marriage counselor. But he is not speaking with me and is telling everyone that it is over and has already made plans to move out.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I know you don't want to hear this, but you're both very young. It doesn't sound like your H was prepared to enter marriage. Sacrifices are a normal part of life, and though it sounds like you were both willing to make them, it also sounds like he let resentment build.
> 
> Resentment is a relationship killer. It poisons interactions and saddles new decisions with past unresolved issues. Maybe the buildup of tension and resentment caused your H to over emphasize the issue with your parents.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response - it makes me somewhat feel better. I do want to stay in this relationship. I love him and even though I know he is being unreasonable I am willing to work on this. We have been together for 8 years - I'm not willing to let that go. I have told him that I will never involve them in any decision that we have. I have also told him that I will always stand up for us if there is ever another issue. I just can't commit to never seeing or talking to my parents again. This is something I truly believe is not the right decision and I even believe it will create more problems in our marriage because I will never feel good about doing this. I just wish he was willing to compromise with me. I need him to come a little to me and understand my emotional struggle with this, but he does not understand why after all they have done I want to see them again. I am feeling so hopeless and believe there is nothing I can do - he seems to have his mind made up.

********Also I would like to tell all readers and commenters of this post that my parents finally apologized a few days ago! I got a letter from them and it was perfectly written - said they will never interfere and will respect our marriage and that they love us. I wish it came a year ago (whole problem has been going on for 1 1/2 years, but at least they apologized. However, my husband has already made his decision to leave me I guess. I showed him the letter, but he says what they did is unforgivable and that this is all beyond them. He is upset that I was never fully happy with just having him in my life. I'm sorry, but how could anyone be 100% happy when they haven't talked to their parents for 6 months? I had my difficult days, but I also had great days where I hardly thought about them so I don't understand why he can't understand my feelings. Am I being unreasonable with my thinking?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Can you convince him to come to TAM? He can come anonymously but then he can get independent advice. Of course there's a risk he'll spin the story and therefore get the answer he wants, but the people here are pretty relationship savvy and can probably get enough facts out of him to get at the issue.

Sorry he's being so unreasonable. He certainly doesn't seem to know much about what makes many people tick. Men commonly focus on tasks and outcomes whereas women are more likely to focus on relationships. But your guy is extreme in this context.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Is there a way I can delete this post? If I refer him to this site I really don't want him to see this whole thread, he may get upset with some things I've said. 

I talked to him last night on the phone for a long time. He keeps saying my alliegence is with my parents. This is so hurtful because I have had his back and have been standing up for us with my parents. I honestly have no idea where he is getting this 'alliegience'. I said I have not heard my mothers voice since May when we saw them last for a first communion. Any communication (which is almost none at all) includes me arguing our point with my parents. He is becoming very heartless and is swearing at me. He also said he doesn't love me anymore so I don't believe there is anything left to try unfortunately.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Is he looking for a way out?

What he is asking is unreasonable. There was a problem years ago between my wife and my side of the family. I stood by my wife's side and defended her. Talking with them was cut down especially my dad and sisters. But it still happened on occasion. They are family.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

teach727 said:


> Is there a way I can delete this post? If I refer him to this site I really don't want him to see this whole thread, he may get upset with some things I've said.
> 
> I talked to him last night on the phone for a long time. He keeps saying my alliegence is with my parents. This is so hurtful because I have had his back and have been standing up for us with my parents. I honestly have no idea where he is getting this 'alliegience'. I said I have not heard my mothers voice since May when we saw them last for a first communion. Any communication (which is almost none at all) includes me arguing our point with my parents. He is becoming very heartless and is swearing at me. He also said he doesn't love me anymore so I don't believe there is anything left to try unfortunately.




I'm sorry - sounds like he has checked out. I don't know if there's anything you can do.

I believe you can delete the thread yourself but a moderator can certainly do this for you.

Any moderators want to respond?

Also if you pay to join or hit a certain number of posts, the thread can be moved to the private members section then it can't be seen or searched by the general public


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

teach727 said:


> He is upset that I was never fully happy with just having him in my life.


You realize this is one of the first traits of an abusive person, right? Isolation?


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

turnera said:


> You realize this is one of the first traits of an abusive person, right? Isolation?


I understand what you are saying - but in his head he has reasons to isolate me and he doesn't understand why I don't agree with him due to all the stress and frustrations my parents have put us in. He said he would never want our kids (we don't have any now) to see them. This is something I could not confidently agree to. He looks at me not being able to do this as having an allegiance with them and not him which is so upsetting since I turned my back on my parents to stand with him and now he is leaving. Now I literally have no one. I turned my back on my parents and now he turned his back on me.

This is so hard because we have been together a total of 8 years...3 years of marriage. We met at 19 years old. I feel he is part of me and him leaving is me losing part of myself. Does anyone know how to move on after all this? I am seeing a counselor, but I still love and care so much about him.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

teach, if there is no chance for reconciliation with your husband, why delete the post, if anything you should leave it up and if he comes across it, what harm would it do? he should be able to read your frustration with this whole mess, and if he does get up set, redirect it to his part in all of this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The reasons of an abuser DON'T MATTER. That's because they're abusive. At least read up on it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Xenote said:


> teach, if there is no chance for reconciliation with your husband, why delete the post, if anything you should leave it up and if he comes across it, what harm would it do? he should be able to read your frustration with this whole mess, and if he does get up set, redirect it to his part in all of this.


I was going to say the same thing. If you have any hope of a future, you have to be able to be 100% honest and transparent.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

My first reaction to you message is that you and your husband are NOT best friends! If you were each others very best friend, none of these intrusion from your parents would affect either of you!


teach727 said:


> My husband and I are also arguing with each other too.


This is because you both are not and perhaps never were FRIENDS!



> I broke the promise I made to my husband and when I told him about it, he got very upset with me and said if it happens again he may leave me.


IMO, this is the sad consequences of NOT being friends! Friends do not get mad at and THREATEN each other! 



> My husband asked a few days later if I have communicated with them at all and I told him the truth that I responded to the email my mom sent. He got very upset and said I betrayed him and broke his trust. He is thinking of leaving me now.


It's the same story over and over! Good, loving, respectful best friends would never do this to each other so I'd say both of you need to sit down and talk about how to become each others best, most respected friend or bail out of this unfriendly relationship, ASAP!



> and ruined things with my husband.


The thing that "ruins" your marriage is the sad LACK of Friendship, love and trust that I see there!



> What I did was wrong.


You both FAILED to make sure that you are totally devoted FRIENDS to each other!



> How can I earn my husband's trust back? What should I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation?


Google: Relationship Skills or get some relationship books and BOTH OF YOU learn to make your relationship work with love, respect and FRIENDSHIP.
good luck


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Well.....he moved out yesterday. We are finished. There is 0 interest on his end of amending things and following through with the commitment we made. Such a sad and terrible thing. I am still in shock that all of this is happening. I talked to him yesterday and saw him in person. I said what I needed to. He was very cold and only wanted to talk about the papers (which he had at our meeting) and how we are going to proceed with divorce. He began calling me all types of horrible names and I did not stoop to his level. I was very strong when I talked to him and was proud of how I was handling the conversation. He kept getting upset over my unwillingness to sign anything. I said I will need to look everything over and possibly hire a lawyer (I don't think I can afford one though, he is not hiring one). I even said to him, I feel as though I'm handling this better than you because you can't control your anger and emotions.

We are planning on doing a dissolution and he wants to divide everything 50/50. By looking at what he took/left - I am getting the better end of the stick as of now. Does anyone have any advice on how to go about a dissolution. I would really like to not hire a lawyer because of money. I make less then my husband by about 20,000 and can afford to live on my own, but I really need to be saving money right now so when I do find an apt I am ok and have some extra cash filed away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I found lots of lawyers who will do a one-hour consultation and you could have them just review the papers in that hour and tell you if it's honorable. My one hour only cost $50. Others were charging $100. It's worth that much just to have a legal expert review the papers, as it will affect you the rest of your life.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

turnera said:


> I found lots of lawyers who will do a one-hour consultation and you could have them just review the papers in that hour and tell you if it's honorable. My one hour only cost $50. Others were charging $100. It's worth that much just to have a legal expert review the papers, as it will affect you the rest of your life.


Thanks so much. I will need to look into this!


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

UPDATE: I'm not sure if any of the posters of my thread are still on here but I just wanted to say that after all the crap my exhusband put me through at the end of our relationship (late nov. and all of December) I found out that he was seeing someone else! This helps explain his quick interest to leave, his quick decision to move out, and his extreme hostility towards me including splitting our financial accounts and never telling me, I had to find out on my own when there was only $2,000 left. 

And he recently got a DUI. He is a pilot and may lose his job. His marriage is over and now his career is in jeopardy. I would never wish this on him and was quite upset when I found out about the DUI. He still will not admit to seeing the other girl which I believe he is still with. He has also apologized to me for some of his behavior and has cried multiple times on the phone. 

It is as though he is going down a downward spiral and there is nothing I can do to help him. Of course I still love him and am working on losing that. How long would you say it takes to stop loving someone? Does it ever go away?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

teach727 said:


> UPDATE: I'm not sure if any of the posters of my thread are still on here but I just wanted to say that after all the crap my exhusband put me through at the end of our relationship (late nov. and all of December) I found out that he was seeing someone else! This helps explain his quick interest to leave, his quick decision to move out, and his extreme hostility towards me including splitting our financial accounts and never telling me, I had to find out on my own when there was only $2,000 left.
> 
> And he recently got a DUI. He is a pilot and may lose his job. His marriage is over and now his career is in jeopardy. I would never wish this on him and was quite upset when I found out about the DUI. He still will not admit to seeing the other girl which I believe he is still with. He has also apologized to me for some of his behavior and has cried multiple times on the phone.
> 
> It is as though he is going down a downward spiral and there is nothing I can do to help him. Of course I still love him and am working on losing that. How long would you say it takes to stop loving someone? Does it ever go away?


Yes, the love eventually goes away.....When you think about how you were treated, all the mean things that were said. Especially when you find another relationship this is very nice it's easy to then realize how crappy the last one was and how poorly you were treated. Time to move on!


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Teach727, I read your thread from the beginning before seeing what you posted today. All while reading it and seeing the SHORT progression of things, my only thought was, "Yikes, DH has found someone else and using this parent thing to justify his behavior and wanting out." He was sitting and waiting for you to fail, so sad. 

IMHO, no one moves that quickly unless they have been planning it all along or have some outside motivation. 

Guess what???? You are better off!!! Instead for regretting my first marriage and denying my true feelings. I embraced them without guilt. For example, yes I still loved my ex, yes I missed him, yes there were days I wished things were different. But, I deserved better!!! You deserved better. You deserved a partner that even in his pain he could have been truthful to you. Yet he chose to escape into a relationship with another, then made like everything was your fault, called you ugly names and then left you dazed and confused because you said Happy Mother Day to your mom and replied to an email FROM YOUR MOTHER. WOW!!! Even given the agreement, for me that was over the top. But it was an over the top reaction because He had another waiting in the wings. 

He made his choices. Don't get into the emotions of his consequences. And he's still lying. Move forward in your freedom. You love you first. Find someone, not controlling, to love you right. Or just enjoy you. Its possible. The more you move forward and disengage with him and your past with him the better. Stop all contact with him. Stop needing to know what's going on with his chosen path. Disengage totally!!!

For me, I'm totally indifferent about what's going on with my ex. You can get there too. Just focus on your new life. Yes you do need to process it, learn from it. But just use it to build your better life without him in it.

You deserve better!!!!


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Joyfull said:


> Teach727, I read your thread from the beginning before seeing what you posted today. All while reading it and seeing the SHORT progression of things, my only thought was, "Yikes, DH has found someone else and using this parent thing to justify his behavior and wanting out." He was sitting and waiting for you to fail, so sad.
> 
> IMHO, no one moves that quickly unless they have been planning it all along or have some outside motivation.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your response. I've been thinking about it all evening. You are not the only one I've talked to who said they suspected he was seeing someone else. Your insights into moving on is very helpful. I need to stop worrying about him, how he's doing, if he's happy, etc. it's not my responsibity anymore. It's hard to stop all those emotions when you are used to feeling like that all throughout the relationship. 

I have some anxiety about one day finding someone else. I'm not interested in dating right now, but I just think who would want to be with someone who is divorced? I feel as though I have that label and I need to get past it and accept it but I'm having a hard time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They usually say to stay single after a relationship for a month for every year you've been married. I'd probably quadruple that if you've been cheated on.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

turnera said:


> They usually say to stay single after a relationship for a month for every year you've been married. I'd probably quadruple that if you've been cheated on.


Don't you worry! - I have no interest in men right now. I'm enjoying my time just focusing on me. We were married for 3 yrs so if I quadruple that it would be 12 months. That seems about right...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

teach727 said:


> UPDATE: I'm not sure if any of the posters of my thread are still on here but I just wanted to say that after all the crap my exhusband put me through at the end of our relationship (late nov. and all of December) I found out that he was seeing someone else! This helps explain his quick interest to leave, his quick decision to move out, and his extreme hostility towards me including splitting our financial accounts and never telling me, I had to find out on my own when there was only $2,000 left.
> 
> And he recently got a DUI. He is a pilot and may lose his job. His marriage is over and now his career is in jeopardy. I would never wish this on him and was quite upset when I found out about the DUI. He still will not admit to seeing the other girl which I believe he is still with. He has also apologized to me for some of his behavior and has cried multiple times on the phone.
> 
> It is as though he is going down a downward spiral and there is nothing I can do to help him. Of course I still love him and am working on losing that. How long would you say it takes to stop loving someone? Does it ever go away?


I just read your thread and am sorry for what you went through. Your parents were intrusive, we all have them. My in laws were like this for years, even meddling in our financial affairs, but because I loved my H I put up with it, now my kids are big, I don't take any nonsense and my MIL respects that. Parents are like this with newly weds, they want to share their wisdom.
I think your H has abusive traits, to insist that you don't have contact with your parents, was very extreme. He could have politely told them, we are married now and it is our decision, but thank you for your input, chances are they would have listened as he was the inlaw.

You are still young, and willmeet someone worthy of you, he obviously was not. He must have been cheating for some time and as the saying goes, 'what goes around comes around', I know you don't wish him ill but tbh, the karma bus has arrived. Focus on yourself and move forward, don't listen to his crying, his woes. Cut all contact. He will try and cake eat.
Rebuild your relationship with your parents and meet someone who can handle them and you will.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow... what an F-ing hypocrite!! You really ARE better off, what an ass! I hope you have resumed your relationship with your parents. 

Its good you dont want to date, I dont blame you. But as far as worrying who would want a divorced woman...please, in this day and age, finding someone who HASNT been divorced is the rarity! You'll be fine once you're ready to get back out there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

teach727 said:


> UPDATE: I'm not sure if any of the posters of my thread are still on here but I just wanted to say that after all the crap my exhusband put me through at the end of our relationship (late nov. and all of December) I found out that he was seeing someone else! This helps explain his quick interest to leave, his quick decision to move out, and his extreme hostility towards me including splitting our financial accounts and never telling me, I had to find out on my own when there was only $2,000 left.
> 
> And he recently got a DUI. He is a pilot and may lose his job. His marriage is over and now his career is in jeopardy. I would never wish this on him and was quite upset when I found out about the DUI. He still will not admit to seeing the other girl which I believe he is still with. He has also apologized to me for some of his behavior and has cried multiple times on the phone.
> 
> It is as though he is going down a downward spiral and there is nothing I can do to help him. Of course I still love him and am working on losing that. How long would you say it takes to stop loving someone? Does it ever go away?


Hello, again. Thanks for the update.

Yes, we are still here! 

Your husband either was not who he appeared to be or he became something horrible.

It is like those old sci-fi films/movies where a human is replaced by an alien monster that takes the place of the human having killed the victim.

Your husband either was never what he appeared to be or he became a monster.

Mourn the loss of your former human husband.

But move onward and know that there is a bright future ahead of you.

It takes time but you will get there.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Why you feel awful for wishing your Mom a happy Mother's Day, and replying to her email when someone, probably right around their age had passed on, is totally odd to me. Those are your parents. If you cut off contact with them for 1 year, and one of them got really sick, or passed on, how would you feel then? My parents aren't perfect either, and have been known to stick their noses where it doesn't belong. I went to individual counselling in order to find ways to get along with them better, to set boundaries. Things are much better now. Also, they are nearing 70, and I would never cut contact with them, even if my H asked me to. Okay, you went back on your agreement with your H to not contact them, but in this instance, I would think that learning how to set boundaries with them would be a better choice than cutting them out of your life, even for the short term.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

teach727 said:


> Ok - here is what broke the camel's back:
> 
> My husband and I were looking for a house (2 1/2 hours from his family, and 20 minutes from mine). He agreed to move to my area for my job. He left his job for lower pay so I could keep mine.
> 
> ...



Okay, first of all, you probably shouldn't have gone with your Mom as your real estate agent, because personal opinions will always come into play before professionalism. Secondly, it's not up to parents to give that much input on where their grown child and spouse is going to live; that is the decision of YOU and your husband. Why did you want both of your parents to go through the house? Wouldn't it be enough for you, your husband and your real estate agent to go through it? If the insane amount of text messages from your Mom were bothering you, turn your cell to silent, or turn it off. I find that if my cell beeps at me, it's hard to ignore a message; if it's on silent (it almost always is), it's a lot easier to ignore.

Your Dad had no business going into the real estate office with you guys. He wasn't buying the house. Your Mom (real estate agent) should've been in there instead. As for the conversation that your Mom didn't remember: I find that often, in the heat of the moment, things will get said and then not remembered because they were said in the heat of the moment. She doesn't remember because her words did affect her, but they affected and hurt you, which is why you remember them. Don't expect an apology; if she doesn't remember her words, she thinks she's done nothing wrong. It's not right, I know, but that's also the way that my family rolls, so I know where you're coming from here!

My advice: instead of cutting ties with your parents, sit them down, and tell them that you're an adult now, and boundaries will have to be put in place in your relationship with them to avoid battles. Also, get yourself a new real estate agent that you aren't related to!


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

aine said:


> teach727 said:
> 
> 
> > UPDATE: I'm not sure if any of the posters of my thread are still on here but I just wanted to say that after all the crap my exhusband put me through at the end of our relationship (late nov. and all of December) I found out that he was seeing someone else! This helps explain his quick interest to leave, his quick decision to move out, and his extreme hostility towards me including splitting our financial accounts and never telling me, I had to find out on my own when there was only $2,000 left.
> ...


I really appreciate your response. I agree that they were intrusive. But like you said they are sharing their wisdom. I could see more of my exhusbands point if I was forcing him to make decisions that they want, but I wasn't! I would never do that and never did. I just feel as though if you REALLY love someone you are going to stick around even though you can't stand their parents, right? I never would have left him for something like that. Hopefully one day I can find someone who can handle them and not take what they have to say so seriously.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow... what an F-ing hypocrite!! You really ARE better off, what an ass! I hope you have resumed your relationship with your parents.
> 
> Its good you dont want to date, I dont blame you. But as far as worrying who would want a divorced woman...please, in this day and age, finding someone who HASNT been divorced is the rarity! You'll be fine once you're ready to get back out there.


Thank you for making me feel better! I just feel there is a label on me but I need to get over this. It's out of my control. I have reconnected with my parents, I waited until I knew for sure there was no chance of getting back together ( before I found out about the other woman). It is nice to have them back. I missed them and now I see my brothers more than I did before. This is the upside to my sad situation.


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> teach727 said:
> 
> 
> > UPDATE: I'm not sure if any of the posters of my thread are still on here but I just wanted to say that after all the crap my exhusband put me through at the end of our relationship (late nov. and all of December) I found out that he was seeing someone else! This helps explain his quick interest to leave, his quick decision to move out, and his extreme hostility towards me including splitting our financial accounts and never telling me, I had to find out on my own when there was only $2,000 left.
> ...


Thank you!! You were right all along! I looked back at your past posts. Thanks for the laugh with the alien comparison. I'm still trying to figure out what happened....is this who he always was or did he change into this? Right now I'm leaning towards he changed. Looking back there were some red flags but I never would think the guy I knew was capable of all that he has done and continues to do. Thank you for your response!


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## teach727 (Nov 16, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Why you feel awful for wishing your Mom a happy Mother's Day, and replying to her email when someone, probably right around their age had passed on, is totally odd to me. Those are your parents. If you cut off contact with them for 1 year, and one of them got really sick, or passed on, how would you feel then? My parents aren't perfect either, and have been known to stick their noses where it doesn't belong. I went to individual counselling in order to find ways to get along with them better, to set boundaries. Things are much better now. Also, they are nearing 70, and I would never cut contact with them, even if my H asked me to. Okay, you went back on your agreement with your H to not contact them, but in this instance, I would think that learning how to set boundaries with them would be a better choice than cutting them out of your life, even for the short term.


I agree that involving my mom as our agent was a bad idea. I obviously never thought this would happen. I also agree it is extremely hard to cut ties with parents for a yr! I was always so worried something would happen to them during that year, I would feel horrible for the rest of my life. I told this to my husband and he said I should want them dead! He said he hates them and I should hate them too! I'm sorry but no matter what my parents do I will never wish that on them or hate them. Even after everything he has done to me I don't hate him or wish him dead. I'm just not that type of person.


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