# selfish midlife crisis or not?



## confusedandlost (Apr 13, 2009)

I'm not usually one to post on forums like this but I am searching for answers. My husband and I just turned 30 last year and for about the last two years or so, he's been generally depressed. He's stuck in a rut for lack of a better term. He dislikes his job and the people he works with, but he cannot leave it for financial stability reasons and because there is (especially now) no other work in his field. He also has a sister going through a divorce with two small children she is trying to get custody of, parents who are somewhat unaffectionate and only call when they need something, and other family members who are going through various financial and emotional hardships. My husband is a "fixer" - he takes all of their burdens very seriously and tries to help wherever he can. For example, he gives his sister money and his time and we even take in her kids sometimes, and even though I am not a big fan of all this I would never say not to do it because that's family and that's important. Along with this he has no close friends of his own, so I am pretty much his primary support structure. But he says I am no support, that I'm not available to him. I don't always know he even needs me to do something to help because he doesn't express it well, and when I do try to give advice or get him out of the house to have fun, or whatever, I usually get the cold shoulder or get told I don't know what I'm talking about. As we get older, we are not as interested in the same things anymore and the distance between our interests is getting bigger by the day. He does not understand much of what I do for a living or the people that I like to keep as friends, nor does he have much respect for any of that. I work with very educated people in a highly professional environment; he works for an auto body shop. He doesn't feel like he fits in with "my people" and he doesn't really try to, either. He seems to think that he is somehow more "real" or "better" than those people and that sometimes includes me as well. When asked what I want to do with my weekend I am often at a loss because we don't live in an area where there is a lot to do and a lot of things I like to do, he does not enjoy, or doesn't anymore because he's been so depressed. So I have started to give up on trying to make suggestions of what to do when we're not at work because I constantly get shot down. We stay around the house a lot and sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. We sit together and watch TV or play a game but there isn't a lot of connection there. When we first started dating almost 9 years ago I was very needy and emotionally conflicted because my family did not like him and didn't want us to be together, and my now-husband made great efforts to keep us together because we loved each other and he wanted me to be happy. That was a long time ago and a lot of growing up has gone on since then on all sides (although there are still family members that I have severed ties with completely), but I am constantly reminded of how hard he had to work (or felt he had to) to keep us together back then. I feel I am constantly playing catch-up, I am continually at a disadvantage in the relationship and he thinks that he should be my number one priority all the time. I do have a demanding job and personal hobbies and friends and I try to keep all that in balance with that, and oftentimes my personal needs clash with my relationship. I am told I don't make sacrifices they way he has all the time, even though I do because I don't go out with my friends all the time even when invited, I don't pursue additional opportunities to move up the career ladder because they would take time away from home, and so on. When I do feel I need to do those things, or I need to travel for work, it's often a battle when I return home. I do everything I can to be there for him and keep the house clean and all of those things that a wife is supposed to do and am told that he doesn't need those things, he just needs me to be emotionally available. But I am, all he needs to do is reach out and meet me halfway. Sometimes that happens, other times it does not. I do not really know what to do anymore and the longer this has gone on, the more unhappy I feel. I started to think that maybe I do not like the life we have put together for ourselves. When he started asking why we don't have kids yet and why don't I want to have children I started thinking about this even more. He wants kids, and I really do not. I have tried to want them, have tried to make myself be the mother type, even gotten books on the subject but I can't convince myself that a family is what I want. Kids just simply don't "do it for me" I guess. Being 30 now I don't have that much longer to figure that out I suppose, so I feel like I have to make some kind of decision, and right now I feel I don't want kids. This will make my husband very sad as I know he wants them very much and this pains me. Again I am holding him back or somehow taking advantage of him - "stringing him along" was a phrase he had mentioned once on that subject. 
Anyhow, my conflicted feelings really got into high gear when I ran into an old flame - someone I REALLY had strong feelings for once upon a time. He is a very different person from my husband, but while my husband and I are growing apart, this other man and I have many things in common, more so even now than we did back in the day now. It's sort of amazed me how after many years of not speaking we can jump into all sorts of great conversations immediately, as if the years were never there at all. I do not think I am in love however, as much as just feeling like I must have been missing out on something to enjoy being with this person so much. I don't necessarily even want anything romantic with him, just enjoy being with him a lot. I am not the kind to cheat and that is not going to happen, although I cannot even openly keep this person as a friend in my life because my husband does not approve of it, for legitimate reasons. Obviously he doesn't feel comfortable with such a friendship and apparently doesn't trust me much which has never really come up before in our relationship, but apparently he doesn't put it past me. I'm a bit hurt by that but it's his right and I can't say I blame him for feeling that way. But is this the kick in the rear, so to speak, that I needed to make some sort of change in my life? This is the question I go back to - why did I run into this person at this time in my life? I guess I am looking for some answers, some insights, something. My parents tell me to do what's best for me, what will make me happy. I don't do a lot of that and that could be why I am not very happy. I try my best to please my husband before myself but yet he thinks I am selfish anyhow. So the other day while arguing about all of these same "we don't do anything meaningful together" kinds of issues, I tell him that I want some space and more freedom, because I feel like that's been missing from our lives. Is this being selfish? He says yes, I am not so sure. We do everything together and he is upset when we spend time apart pursuing our own interests. He doesn't have any interests that he doesn't want me to be in on, while I am more of a solitary person and there are things I do (like write and do research) that just simply don't include him. So I just don't talk about those things and leave it at that, try to get it all in during the times when we're working. This has worn on me perhaps more than I realized. Maybe I am just not in love anymore and do need a change, but I don't know if that's what's going on or not. I really feel very lost and I apologize for the length of this post but I hope someone out there has some insights. Thanks.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

confusedandlost...

I am certainly not a counselor or therapist so take my feedback from what it is - just feedback. Plus, I am experiencing many of the same issues as you. But here are my thoughts:

You said: _"Being 30 now I don't have that much longer to figure that out I suppose, so I feel like I have to make some kind of decision, and right now I feel I don't want kids."_

My thoughts: Don't feel pressured to make a decision about kids right now. Having children at 35 or 40 years old isn't as uncommon as it once was. But please, please don't make a decision about kids until you are in a happy, stable relationship. Now is not the time to decide.

You said: _"I don't pursue additional opportunities to move up the career ladder because they would take time away from home, and so on. When I do feel I need to do those things, or I need to travel for work, it's often a battle when I return home."_

My thoughts: While I applaud your sensitivity and consideration, you need to also remember YOU have a life to live too. This is YOUR life and you only live it once. YOU get to decide what you want YOUR life to be. Are you/can you be happy and satisfied with passing up the opportunities you mentioned? If so, then, great - there are no issues. But if you think you'll regret your decision later, then, think hard about your future because you'll end up resenting your spouse. It's obviously a balancing act.

Those are just a couple of thoughts on your situation. I've mentioned in a couple of other threads the book titled "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I think it's an excellent book and helped me to clear my mind about leaving vs. staying.

Best wishes.


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