# Family or sex-life??



## CynicalintheCity (Aug 3, 2010)

I know I'm not the first person on here to complain about a sexless marriage, and I won't be the last, but I do think my situation is worse than most on here.

It's been FIVE years since my husband came anywhere near me. I'm not kidding. He has zero interest in sex. ZERO. He's seen doctors at my persistence and his testosterone is normal, he is not having an affair, (poor other woman wouldn't get anything out of it!) he's slightly over-weight but nothing extreme, and for the most part, he's healthy.

Anyway, I've begged, pleaded, cried and informed him over and over again that if this doesn't change, I'll look for it elsewhere. I don't think he took me seriously, because nothing changed, and true to my word I found it elsewhere. I've been seeing this OM for almost one year and the sex is AMAZING. The problem is, this OM is married and has no intention of ever leaving his wife. He's not happy in his marriage either, but the kids/family/blah blah, will always come first.

Anyway, for now I've cut contact with this man because it was becoming too painful - I was forming feelings for someone who was unavailable. Plus, I do still love my husband as he's a great friend and father and we do have fun together - just zero intimacy. 

So, should I leave? I have not considered this option until now as we have three amazing children who will be heart-broken if we divorce, and I could never stand the idea of them growing up in a broken home. But I'm not sure how much longer I can stand living with this complete lack of intimacy either, especially now I no longer have OM to keep me satisfied. 

So, which is more important - an intact family, or a sex-life??? Can a person learn to live without sex? I'm so desperate, I've even thought about going on the birth control pill to curb my sex drive!!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Insist on seeing a sex therapist. If the issue isn't physical, there is bound to be some mental component in there that could be worth exploring. Perhaps he feels it's wrong to "defile" his children's mother, or some other thinking error that needs to be corrected.

In the meantime, get yourself a good vibrator and make sure you are taking care of yourself. I know that's not even close to physical touching with your husband, but it will help take the edge off without bringing in another heart breaking affair.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Insist on seeing a sex therapist. If the issue isn't physical, there is bound to be some mental component in there that could be worth exploring. Perhaps he feels it's wrong to "defile" his children's mother, or some other thinking error that needs to be corrected.
> 
> In the meantime, get yourself a good vibrator and make sure you are taking care of yourself. I know that's not even close to physical touching with your husband, but it will help take the edge off without bringing in another heart breaking affair.


^ What she said.

Plus get yourself checked for STD's before trying to have sex with your husband again.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tell him about the affair.

One of two things will happen. It will either be his wake-up call, to re-engage in repairing your issues with intimacy, or it will be the vehicle to get you out of your marriage.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I cant blame you for getting it somewhere else, seems like many of us are either there or heading in that direction. but living a lie will eat you up, you sound like a good person and your conscience is gonna pound you until this is all resolved. i agree with the others, time to come clean with your H and deal with the consequences. I cannot fathom why he (or any spouse) feels like they can dispose of the intimacy that is vital to a happy marriage. IMHO, they throw down the first salvo when the do that, and they have consequences to deal with too.


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## CynicalintheCity (Aug 3, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Tell him about the affair.
> 
> One of two things will happen. It will either be his wake-up call, to re-engage in repairing your issues with intimacy, or it will be the vehicle to get you out of your marriage.


I know this is what I should do, but I just don't think I can. I'm a coward. 

I'm also very bitter and at the same time, heart-broken. I feel backed into a corner with my only option being a sexless marriage, another affair, or breaking up my family so I can pursue a more fulfilling relationship with someone else.

Why can't my husband see how much this hurts me? I know what I did was wrong, but how is what he's doing any better? He's killing our marriage, and all he can say is "I don't really need sex." 

I feel so rejected, some days I don't know how to carry on. Maybe I deserve a nasty STD that will end my misery.


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## CynicalintheCity (Aug 3, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> I cannot fathom why he (or any spouse) feels like they can dispose of the intimacy that is vital to a happy marriage. IMHO, they throw down the first salvo when the do that, and they have consequences to deal with too.


I just wish the consequences didn't have to be a broken family. I adore my family and the times we spend together. My husband is a wonderful father and I swear we have the three best children alive. This is ripping me apart, but I can't change who I am. I need sex. It makes me feel desired and loved and close to someone. My husband is just happy to sit and watch television together.

Things will look better tomorrow. I'll think of something depressing, like some grizzly murder on the news, and voila...no sex drive. 

That's my life these days - thinking of horrible things to keep the desire at bay.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

CynicalintheCity said:


> I just wish the consequences didn't have to be a broken family. I adore my family and the times we spend together. My husband is a wonderful father and I swear we have the three best children alive. This is ripping me apart, but I can't change who I am. I need sex. It makes me feel desired and loved and close to someone. My husband is just happy to sit and watch television together.
> 
> Things will look better tomorrow. I'll think of something depressing, like some grizzly murder on the news, and voila...no sex drive.
> 
> That's my life these days - thinking of horrible things to keep the desire at bay.



i just dont see why he thinks its ok to cut the intimacy off, i see it in here everyday and i just dont get it. it is emotional abuse, and he needs to know that. keeping desire at bay is difficult to say the least


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## CynicalintheCity (Aug 3, 2010)

Okeydokie, it really is difficult, and I'm left feeling like some sort of sex addict because there are days when it's all I can think about. Probably because I don't get any!

The hardest part is reading about the men on here that have this problem and thinking "why didn't I marry one of them?" It seems that many of us with high sex drives married people with none. Perhaps we all need to walk around with signs around our necks that say how high our drive is. It would certainly solve this very depressing problem.

I now have to ponder destroying my family by leaving, or staying and living with the rejection. I truly doubt anything will change. This is how my husband is. No amount of counseling will help. But how do I do this to my children??


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

what i find interesting is some of the comments i have read on TAM is the men are often bashed and told there is a "reason" why their W does not want sex and it is often justified by some 3 - 4 point reasons. BUT when a male has cut it off it's "emotional abuse"?? 

Do not get me wrong I think it's wrong on both ends to cut them off with no reason..... PERIOD!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dblkman said:


> what i find interesting is some of the comments i have read on TAM is the men are often bashed and told there is a "reason" why their W does not want sex and it is often justified by some 3 - 4 point reasons. BUT when a male has cut it off it's "emotional abuse"??
> 
> Do not get me wrong I think it's wrong on both ends to cut them off with no reason..... PERIOD!!



FYI, i am a man in a similar boat as the OP. I have seen enough of this situation on here where i have determined that it can happen to either gender in a marriage. With that being said, i agree with you that some posters have a track record of putting the onus on the husband when the wife has cut him off, while not applying the same reasoning when it is reversed. I basically choose to ignore those folks. It is my determination that when a high drive spouse is with a low drive spouse, there isnt much that can change the situation until the low drive spouse wakes up and strives for significant change in their behavior.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CynicalintheCity,

Simply change the tense of the language. Tell him outright - that you intend to have an affair, as a result of his ambivalence. Ask him if he's OK with that. 

If he won't engage you in one fashion or another, there really are no good outcomes here if you can't foster the courage to leave.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

I went 6 yrs with NO sex from my H. It also got to a point for me that all I could think about was sex. I even contemplated an affair - though I didn't go there. 

H finally (OMG - couldn't he have saved me 6 yrs of my life and told me sooner) told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore, had a ton of resentment toward me and was just staying for our child. We made pretty good roommates and friends during those 6 yrs.

I told him that I couldn't continue to live that way and, though I had thought about it, I wouldn't cheat on him. I told him that if he couldn't somehow overcome his resentment and start working on recovering our intimacy, I was filing for divorce. I was giving him one more shot. He decided to try and we've recovered the sexual side of our relationship - we have sex about 3 times a week for the last 5 months. There are other aspects of our relationship that we are still working on but everything seems to be moving in a positive direction. Having sex again helps, alot. So much easier to compromise with someone who is consistently meeting your sexual needs.

If there isn't a medical reason for your H's lack of sexual interest, there's probably a pile of resentment somewhere that he's not telling you about because he still cares enough to try to spare your feelings. Get to the real reason. If you really care about recovering the sex, no more affairs. You can't possibly be gung ho about changing things with your H if you're getting some on the side.

Also know that there are others who have been in your extreme situation and managed to salvage their marriage. Ultimately, though, Deejo & okeydokie are right. Your H has to engage you and ultimately decide to make a change. I explained that to my H that he was the one that had to let go. I apologized for the wrongs he percieved I had done in the past and aknowledged his feelings. But the past is the past, you can't go back and change it. You can only go forward and learn from your mistakes. And try and do better.

Good luck.


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## LaCuriosa (Jan 13, 2010)

CynicalintheCity said:


> I just wish the consequences didn't have to be a broken family. I adore my family and the times we spend together. My husband is a wonderful father and I swear we have the three best children alive. This is ripping me apart, but I can't change who I am. I need sex. It makes me feel desired and loved and close to someone.


Maybe my perspective is different because my parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. I would say that I have a healthy relationship with both of them now, and I'm in a stable, almost two-decade relationship (that's not without it's issues ). When I was graduating from high school, several of my friends' parents announced they were *finally* divorcing. I can tell you that my friends had much more difficulties in dealing with divorce because they saw themselves as the reason their parents had been living unhappily for years. And several felt that they'd been lied to all along since they felt their parents put up a front (or tried to). The happy family was a facade, and they resented the lie.

I personally do not want to teach my children that it's okay to live in absolute misery for years. I'd rather my children see two separated and happy parents (who can both still be fantastic parents). 

Just my two little cents.

LC


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

I agree with LaCuriosa! I have grown up with parents who never got along and we as children shared their negativity. However having a family together has its own benefits but if there is an option one should go for a healthy separation.


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## father-of-3 (Apr 25, 2010)

When you said this...

_I'm also very bitter and at the same time, heart-broken. I feel backed into a corner with my only option being a sexless marriage, another affair, or breaking up my family so I can pursue a more fulfilling relationship with someone else._

I would caution that jumping to the conclusion that your next relationship would be "more fulfilling" is a leap of faith. A rosy affair with no responsibility, nor any of the daily haggles and give and takes of a real relationship is something FAR different than a marriage. Be it your current or next one.

You might be surprised to find yourself living deja vu from relationship to relationship. That would be a shame for sure.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am not sure why you couldnt' just have a guy on the side.

Why did you develop feelings for him and expect him to leave his family? I mean you didn't say that in so many words but you kind of implied it.

I am only asking because in my marriage, I was sexless. . .and it came down to the paths you and I chose.

PATH 1. Divorce. I chose this path. You didn't. My kids are affected. Yours aren't.

PATH 2. Have an affair/take a lover. You chose this path. I didn't. Your kids have their parents in their house and mine don't.

PATH 3. Reconcilation/therapy/etc.

I respect any paths and often Path 3 is very closed because of a spouse's defiance to do anything.

So why hasn't Path 2 worked out? I am just curious if women harbor fantasies that the OM is going to sweep them off somewhere to live in a Castle in Camelot and they live happily ever after?

Is that what you were kind of thinking?

Don't take my tone as wrong - it's a general inquiry because I am puzzled. It's not sarcasm so don't take it that way.

It seems you had it great there - amazing sex, a stable family. . .yeah, it's kind of "European" and not ideal. . .but I don't see too many ideal marriages any more.


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## CynicalintheCity (Aug 3, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> So why hasn't Path 2 worked out? I am just curious if women harbor fantasies that the OM is going to sweep them off somewhere to live in a Castle in Camelot and they live happily ever after?
> 
> Is that what you were kind of thinking?
> 
> ...


Scannerguard, I'll admit I did have things working well there for a very long time. The thing is, much to my annoyance, I started to place myself in the position of OM's partner/wife. I couldn't help it. The time I spent with him was obviously much easier than the time I spend with my H. We laughed, drank wine, made love for hours, and had no children/mortgage/life to worry about. It wasn't even vaguely real and I knew this, but I couldn't help wondering...what if?

So I had to break it off because I knew OM did NOT want a relationship with me, and the more these thoughts entered my head, the harder it was to see him return to his wife.

Anyway, if I thought I could manage another affair without this happening again, I would consider it, as I'm loathe to break up my family unit, and I truly don't think my husband will ever change. Although, I gather you chose divorce and it's worked for you? Or, if you could go back, would you choose Path 2 instead?

I guess affairs aren't as easy for women, because I do think we're always at risk of falling for the OM. There's also the guilt to contend with, but that's actually easier to manage when your marriage is sexless. My H is breaking his vows to me by refusing sex. I'm breaking mine by getting it elsewhere.

It's messed up, it really is.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Although, I gather you chose divorce and it's worked for you? Or, if you could go back, would you choose Path 2 instead?


Good question. This is a good 2-way, mature discussion.

Sometimes, yes. . .with the kid's lives being phucked up with Dad no longer in the home, destroyed finances, and now. . .seeing how easy it has been or it can be to take on a lover, I do have regrets sometimes.

I should have just had an affair.

Even if I was discovered - so what? Is it like a shocker any more? Scannerguard and Bill Clinton and John Kennedy had *gasp* affairs!!!!! Call Fox News!!!! Call CNN!!!!

People turn their heads for about 3.6 seconds and then turn their heads back.

It's only Republicans who have Senate hearings on it 

You know?

I don't know. . .at the time, it was such a foreign concept to me because I was so faithful and devoted, you know? I just couldn't see going out and arranging that. I was a loyal (and perhaps pathetic) puppy dog. Now. . .knowing there are hundreds of women in sexless, sterile marriages like mine, maybe I would have just done it. Maybe if I had stumbled here first, the kids would still have Dad in the home (or maybe Dad would have been booted out eventually upon discovery - either way, the kids get Dad in their home awhile longer).

I guess it's for the best though. . .it's just one of those choices you make.

I respect your choice but let's be realistic - the OM in your life is NOT, EVER going to leave his wife and kids and you should just accept that.

Truth is. . .chances are greater that a woman would leave her family for the OM than a man would leave for the OW. Men have a very hard time wrapping their head around replacing their family with other people. 

There are pros the path I took - I do live and can live a more open life, unapologetic at this point whereas you are secretive and living a lie, I guess. Private yes - but unapologetic (I don't flaunt, nor would I ever flaunt anything to my stb-x - no need for that).

I think the key is to accept that a bond exists between you and your lover and a bond exists between you and your husband, both different but not interchangable.

If you can't accept that as a truth, as a hard reality, than you either abstain or you divorce and have hte marriage annulled for lack of consummation.

Good luck.


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## CynicalintheCity (Aug 3, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I respect your choice but let's be realistic - the OM in your life is NOT, EVER going to leave his wife and kids and you should just accept that.
> 
> Truth is. . .chances are greater that a woman would leave her family for the OM than a man would leave for the OW. Men have a very hard time wrapping their head around replacing their family with other people.


I see that now, but I can't help wondering why? Why is it so hard for men to envisage a happier, healthier relationship with someone else? Are we women just eternal romantics? Or eternally foolish!!

Either way, for now I'm stuck, and will likely keep things as they are. I don't want to start again with everything you listed (houses, finances) even though right now I'm still young enough (37) and attractive enough to find someone else. Maybe this is my last shot at finding him? Who knows. What I do know is that I adore my children and not seeing them every single day is a very upsetting thought. In fact, it's more upsetting than no sex, or even going down the route of another affair. Besides, it's not exactly difficult to find a man willing to take that journey with me, as long as I can keep my emotions in check. And if (when?) I get caught, I'll suffer my 3.6 seconds and then move on with my life in true Tiger Woods fashion!

(And I was a pathetic puppy dog too, until I got rejected one too many times.)

So I guess I've answered my original question. For now, it's family before sex life.

This forum does work!!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

A sexless marriage is a bit easier to walk out on if there are other factors like interpersonal problems, constant arguing, mental and/or physical cruelty. In these cases the lack of sex is simply one more symptom of a damaged marriage.

But many sexless marriages are fine except for the fact there is no sex. The parents like each other and are devoted to their kids. They have a fairly good life despite a lack of intimacy. It is a much harder case to make for divorce and breaking up a family in these situations. This is why some couples have been sexless for more than a decade or two but still stay together.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I see that now, but I can't help wondering why? Why is it so hard for men to envisage a happier, healthier relationship with someone else? Are we women just eternal romantics? Or eternally foolish!!


No . . .I can't pin foolishness on any one gender more than the other. Look at the foolishness of Tiger Woods. . .it's a different kind of foolishness.

I don't know. . .I think men can certainly envision a healthier relationship with another woman but have a hard time envisioning another family - you know? And the woman of the house is the centerpiece of the family so remove that and the man is kind of lost.

That's why men never hardly leave the wife for the OW.

I mean, it was freekin weird this year - I spent Christmas at another person's house without my kids and watched another kid play with his toys.

So weird.

I would have preferred to have just been alone actually and next year, I may just get involved in a charity.

See how I can't wrap myself around the idea of being inserted into another family? I mean, my wife and kids are my family (even as I was separating/divorcing) - not my gf and her friend's kids.

I came to the conclusion that I have to be, HAVE to be, comfortable with being a bachelor, because I can't be comfortable with another family for a long time.

I am not totally sure. . .I am not in her head. . .but I think my stb-x was fantasizing a bit here kinda like you were, only on a different level. I think she kind of had it all figured out - we would divorce and this other guy would move into her/our house. I would live down the street/same town so to be close to the kids and take the kids often and she and him would live happily ever after, having romantic weekends in the Poconos, extended vacations with her boyfriend/new husband. The divorce woudl be over with in 6 months.

Now. . .let me tell you reality. . .it's more like she may have to sell the house to live closer to her parents (unless her parents bail her out, which I think is possible) because she needs help with the kids because I am working 2 jobs to pay child support. Apparently, boyfriend isn't too thrilled about raising another man's kids.

Can you see the separation from reality that women engage in? Maybe it *is * a romanticism of sorts. But I think guys romanticize relationships too - that's why it's classic for a guy my age (41) to get involved with a 22 year old hottie, buy the sports car, etc, and risk everything by having an affair with one. Men romanticize relationships to be intensely hormonal like they are at age 22-28. I don't know. . .I never had an affair with a 22 year old hottie so I am not sure what men are thinking when they get involved but it's usually not, "I'm going to leave my wife and kids for Bambi."

As far as your choice - family over sex life. . .I respect that too. I admire how you can place it aside. I couldn't do it any longer.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> I am not totally sure. . .I am not in her head. . .but I think my stb-x was fantasizing a bit here kinda like you were, only on a different level. I think she kind of had it all figured out - we would divorce and this other guy would move into her/our house. I would live down the street/same town so to be close to the kids and take the kids often and she and him would live happily ever after, having romantic weekends in the Poconos, extended vacations with her boyfriend/new husband.


Deja friggin vu ...

I of course write that as I take my kids for the next 10 ten days while she goes away with TOM.


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## probono (Aug 17, 2010)

Cynical-
(new here-first post so bear with me- little timid yet)

wanted to let you know you are NOT ALONE! I am floatin' in the same boat with you! Married 13 years and last 5 NO SEX! Havent had the affair, but I am seriously considering. 

What others fail to consider is that it isnt just the lack of "physical touching" and "sex" per se..... it is also the mental aspect of intamacy and sex that we are deprived of. I have lost all sense of self esteem with regard to my feminine appeal and sexiness- that "special- thing" that makes us "lose control and jump into fantasy" etc. The basic sense of touch and caress in a closeness setting. 

My "personal-space" has gotten wider. I am no longer as "touchy-feely" as I used to be. I am not used to receiving any form of touching or closeness from an adult. I feel lonely and abandoned. The lack of contact and physical touching/sex translates into REJECTION. No matter how you slice it or dice it- and irrespective of the "orgasm" , which I can, and DO have on my OWN....my BODY CRAVES someone to SLEEP NAKED with, hold me, massage me, kiss me, ravish me. My MIND craves someone to talk dirty to me, tell me how special and SEXY and DESIRABLE I am and ....well, anything else... 

ALSO- Cynical- I am also- VERY ANGRY as well, torn between feeling guilty at having to choose between keeping family together or making MY life better/happier. I didnt put us/ the marriage in this position- HE DID- and he refuses to fix it. The years and years of heartfelt discussions and pleadings and trying to communicate and "understand" and "work through" everything..... I am the ONLY ONE who put in ANY effort- he didnt do anything at all. I have finally given up. (and NO i didnt badger him- he admittedly told our therapist that he couldnt have asked for a better and more understanding wife when it came to his "ED issue" ) Although, there are other issues with my SO...and my older kids tell me to leave their father- but the younger ones dont understand.

Well, sorry no solution for you- but wanted you to know that your not alone- not at all.

also-Ive been told to seek out a SEX THERAPIST- Im trying that out- will keep you updated. SO totally on board, sais he wants to get sex life back- but I dont know if I WANT it back now WHO KNOWS? Im angry. I have grown apart from him and I dont know him anymore? Its just so confusing. 

ps- Ive tried the Viagra, Victorias Secret, Porn, Toys, etc- and yes- he does have a "health issue" but it IS under "control" by a DR. and he just doesnt care to get his ED resolved or take the viagra/cialis ???


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

As a side bar it is interesting that when women are the lower libido one we make assumptions that the man is somehow wrong....

I trully think you have to insist on therapy. What you are experiencing is not normal. Most men not only prefer to have regular sex but, have a "drive" to get it with some degree of regularity so your gripe is legitimate and warrants attention. 

Is there a chance that he no longer is attracted to you? You indicate he is a "good freind and father" but, don't mention how in love you are to eachother. 

I agree with others that you should not be miserable and should do what you need to be happy.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your choice is not between a family or a sex life.

It's between happiness with a normal sex life or unhappiness and sexlessness in your marriage and cheating to find sex.

You can divorce and find what you seek.

If you stay married you live a lie and show your children a deceptive lifestyle.

Not defending your husband's behavior, just addressing your own.


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