# Harsh Words



## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

Long story short.....
Married 29 years.
Same arguements, different day.

But...what do you do when you've been told----

"I guess I can't give you what you need"
and
"If you think you can find someone better, go for it!"

I can't seem to get past these phrases.
He says its' not what he meant to say, but
his actions (lack of action) do seem to support these
statements.


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## Sincere Heart (Jan 5, 2012)

Long story short is too short need more details. What actions? When did this all start? How do you feel about your husband?

Sincere Heart


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

Sincere Heart - didn't want to bore you with gory details .
The longer story ---
My complaints are the same, and always seem to ignite an argument. 
I wish we were closer, that he could communicate better, that I think it's strange how he spends more time with his buddies, than with his wife. It seems after 29 yrs of marriage, we should be closer than we are. And...why is it only me, that seems to be complaining about this things.
and the statements from my previous post, were his answer to me this time.
Usually I get the "I know, we need to do more things, and I know I'm not the greatest talker, but I'm working on it". And things are better for a week or two, and the cycle begins again.


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## UnHappyWife_WantsToLeave (Jan 20, 2012)

corpsebride,

Welcome!
I recently had a wake up call by acting just as your husband until last week my wife told me she had enough and didn't know if she could take it anymore. I was oblivious things were that bad.

Things are still raw & I'm still trying to figure it out, so please only take what I say as information, not advice. I won't make assumptions about your husband, but I'll tell what I done in my relationship & maybe it's helpful.

I sadly recalled saying these same phrases to my wife. It's odd how you don't remember saying these things until you really look at yourself. I was not confident. I felt like I wasn't worth loving, so I would say those things to hear her say back "No, I want you"' or "I'd never leave", etc.. It was re-assuring and made me feel better, but little did I know I was draining her and causing her to begin resenting me by doing that. I regret it & never should have done it.

It sounds like you aren't 'fed up' or 'at the end of your rope' yet and if I could go back in time knowing what I know & back in those situations, I would try to wake myself up! What's sad is I knew it wasn't right deep down, but it had always worked before so, rinse & repeat. I'd feel bad later & try to make up (salt in the wound). It's a vicious cycle and only something dramatic & life-changing is the only way to lift the fog.

Some ways I'd try to wake myself up:
Discuss the break-ups of our neighbors. See if I would notice anything similar in our marriage & ask if we didn't change it, why would we end up any different?
Watch movies together that remind me of our situation & when I made smart remarks or jokes about it, ask why am I denying it?
Go to church more, especially when sermons revolved around couples or marriage situations.

The sad fact is, I'm not sure if any of that would have worked. I was so buried in denial that I don't believe I would have gotten the message.

For me at least, this ultimatum of 'fix it or I'm gone - and I mean it' has woken me up & in a big way.


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

unhappy wife leaving - thank you for your insight - a man's point of view. i'm truly sorry things turned out the way they have, and i hope you find happiness - whichever way things turn out.
i had a long talk with my husband, and i was surprised that he said he has taken me for granted and admitted he has done/said some things that he wishes he could take back. it was 2 am when he said he had to get some sleep. the following morning, he acted as though nothing ever happened and mentioned nothing. today he was home from work, due to weather. i tried to stay out of his way while he did his paperwork, answered emails, etc. the next thing i knew, his suitcase was on the bed. he came downstairs to tell me he was finding a place to stay - "things were too weird" and that he would call me. 
This would be the 3rd time he has left. The first time was a few years ago, and he said he was so frustrated during a fight, that he had to get away. I told him then...I think when someone leaves, that it is a big deal. 
I reminded him how it makes me feel, when you just leave...before he headed out the door the 2nd time. When he came back that time, I told him how hurtful it is to be walked out on, and while we agreed to see if we could work it out...I told him I was scared - it was so easy for him to just walk out.
Tonight - 3rd walk out. I am hurt and I don't even know where to go from here. 
i am left thinking that since he knows how this makes me feel - he is sending me quite a message
sadly, i can't really say how i feel about him now. i have hurt feelings - yes....but i take this as a big "F.U." and find myself thinking i can't believe he is doing this to me again.
Don't know what will happen next.
I do feel drained, spent, lost, confused and also calm. Strange.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He holds all of the cards because you gave away your trump. He will never give what you need because he does not have to. 

I don't know what you mean when you say you don't know what will happen next. The same thing that has happened before. You take him back. 

He has again reminded you how little he values you or how you feel and you agree with him. It is sad to read this because you place so little value on you. 

You allow this person back into your life, why? To hurt you again. Why? Is he so special that you need him in your life?

Any woman with an ounce of self esteem would tell him this time don't come back and see a lawyer the next day. 

Either that or let him continue to wipe his feet on your back. It seems to me you would be much happier without him. 

Call his bluff. Dig deep and pull out that dignity and self confidence you had before you got beaten down by this man. 

He will get the shock of his life, and you will get lifted to a level that you should alway occupy.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You really cant do all that after 29 years.
Why havent you done counselling?


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## UnHappyWife_WantsToLeave (Jan 20, 2012)

corpsebride,
I'm sorry to hear things are turning the wrong way in your marriage. It's painful. Unfortunately, he isn't acting like a husband should by nurturing you and supporting you. He has his priorities shifted. It sounds like he may think you owe him something for all his hard work? He may like the attention you give him when he's gone or returns? Not saying it's the right way to do any of that, but maybe that's his reward for leaving or otherwise he wouldn't do it.


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

I can't tell you how glad i am that i found this website. of course, if wish that none of us felt the need to be here. 
Late last night, he text me the following:
"I'm very very sorry for leaving that way. I have a hard time looking at you and realizing I messed up. I can't believe I didn't do anything when you told me how unhappy you were and I let it get here. Reality is setting in"
I assumed he was saying he was sorry for walking out, and hoped there was still hope.
I replied:
"You leaving me...again...hurts"
he replied:
"I thought that was what I was supposed to do" 
and I text:
"I guess I misunderstood your text".
So this morning I feel he was maybe just apologizing for letting it go this far, but that he has accepted it and just didn't like the way he left it.
I have taken him back in the past, because I hoped and wanted things to get better. Knowing it was hard for him to crawl back, I always figure he must want to work at it, and after 29 years of marriage, how do you not want to give your partner another chance? Guess I am one of those women, that I says "I can't believe she keeps taking him back" when I hear someone's story of relationship trouble.
As for marriage counseling - he has the view that if you can't work it out yourselves, no stranger can come in and fix. His friends that tried marriage counseling have told him it's a waste of time. They are all divorced after counseling.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

As Catherine602 eluded in her post…I’ll add: The one who cares the least in a relationship, controls the relationship…

He’s in control…YOU have no boundaries…push a boundary and there’s consequences…boundaries aren’t meant to “control” a person, but to protect YOU from getting hurt and taking advantage of…

Marriage counseling can do one of two things…it can help a marriage or destroy a marriage…a therapist is human and isn’t a miracle worker…the marriage will not be saved during a MC session…it’s the work that’s put into the relationship in between sessions, while building and maintaining healthy relationship habits is what will save your marriage…the therapist is only your guide during the process, pointing both spouses in the right direction…

It takes 2…

Personally I wasted over 2,000 dollars in co-pays for therapy over a 2 year period…does that mean I believe MC is a waste…not at all…

You’ve been married 29 years…you know your husband better than anyone here…

Do you feel in the pit of your heart, he’ll change and start meeting your needs as you eagerly meet his needs?

What do you want out of this relationship?

If you feel he’ll never change and you’ll be stuck in an unfulfilled marriage…then what’s holding you back from moving on with your life? What fears do you have?


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

All the advice in this forum is priceless, comforting, painful and priceless...glad support is here.
No code - 
I guess, because I want the marriage, I hope "this time will be better", or "now he knows (and says he gets it) just how I feel -- so he's sure to make changes".
I guess I don't understand the way a man thinks? 
I feel confused and view his statements and actions, as mixed messages.
When he texted that he "realized he messed up and can't believe he let it get here"....as a woman....I think, ok...he gets it now and things could get better from here.
Was he really saying - I messed up and let it get here, oh well, moving on.?
He stopped by this am to get some more clothes, and all he said to me was "I'll call you this weekend, talk about the next steps"
He was kinda angry.
Again, it confuses me, because he walked out, he admitted he messed up, admits he could have done more. Why angry at me?
So confused.
What do I say when he calls? I know he will ask me if I want to go through with this....but I feel like he has already taken steps to show me that he is going through with this.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

Again I go back to what I said earlier…

The one, who cares the least, controls the relationship…

And as of now, he controls the relationship and he knows it…he also knows that he can do what he wants…he can come by and get clothes or whatever, and if he wants, he can walk right back into the marriage…and you’d let him…he’s done it before…what, 3 times already?

You don’t understand the way a man thinks, and I can’t understand how a woman thinks…lol…

But, you need to protect yourself…

My advice would be to go no contact or as limited as contact as possible…if he needs his stuff, have a friend or a cop meet him at the house and you avoid him…if your kids are grown, then there’s no need to really communicate at all…keep all conversations non-personal…non-relationship and only business as it pertains to things that still connect you two…bills, insurance…ect…and only communicate via email…or better yet, through a mutual friend…

He needs to feel that you’ve moved on…that’s the only thing that may snap him out of it…you need to regain control…and begin to heal yourself and get to a place where you can move on…


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Wow, we are in a similar situation, so it's interesting to hear the advice. I haven't been married quite as long as you but almost. We have many kids together (pre-school through post-college) and I have felt stronger this week after he left last week. I have not given up hope for R, but he really isn't showing any signs of regret. He left and I don't get the anger. I didn't kick him out and I asked him to work on the relationship. It is a lot easier to do the 180 when you don't have to talk to them, I try but it's hard. 

Do you know where your H is when he leaves? Do you have set 'conditions' / needs that you want met before he comes back?


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi Mama...
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sure isn't easy. I can't imagine kids in the mix, it's so emotional.
The last time my H left, he stayed at a local motel, so I assume he is there this time. I haven't asked him. He wants to meet this weekend to "see what to do next", and I guess I will find out what THAT means (from his point of view).
The 2nd time he left (this is trip #3), he apologized, said he wasn't thinking clearly, wanted to work on things, etc.
I hadn't seen him that emotionally raw before, and I really believed he'd made some breakthrough and things would be way better. I also told him that I was reluctant and scared, cuz he walked out knowing how big a deal that was to me. 
So this time, I took his leaving as a big "f. u.", to me. At first I was devastated. How could he handle things this way? He must know how it makes me feel?
And I've had time (and reading posts here, etc) and I am now thinking thoughts like...What a chickens#&t! Can't deal with things, so he has to leave. The last time we saw each other, in passing, he was a bit pissy. I think he is wondering why I haven't begged him to come home, or why I haven't called him to talk. Like you said Mama --- I didn't kick him out, whats he so mad about? I just roll my eyes!
I am pretty nervous about our upcoming talk. I think he will pull the same..."what do YOU want to do about this?" to throw it back at me and get me to ask him to stay and work it out.
Problem is I don't know my answer, I only have more questions.
I don't want to be the woman that lets her husband walk in and out when things get rough, but it's hard to wash my hands of 28 years of marriage too. Guess I will see how it plays out.
It's weird...I almost think it would be easier to NOT work it out. Then I won't have resentment or worry when he walks again.
Maybe it's just time and distance taking their toll.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Putting that much time into a marriage is hard to turn your back on at least that's how I feel. Too much of our lives/history have our husbands in them. I never thought that was a bad thing. It was something I took lots of pride in. 

I will be out of the house today so I invited him to come back and visit with my younger kids. It's not that I don't want to see him, but the kids haven't seen/talked to him in almost 10 days. I am not sure if I want to see him or him me. It would definitely go against the 180, but how do you do that when you have little kids?

I actually have decided that MC would be required if he wanted to come back. I am thinking at least one appt made/kept. We have never gone, but I go individually and have asked him to go for the last 2 months. He doesn't believe in MC BUT we started this separation 'wrong' according to guides to successful R and with children involved I think we owe it to them to have an intermediary help us work on things. I have found a group who specializes in couples/families. It is the ONLY thing that they do so hopefully they would have a stake in successful R - so that we may be able to get back what we lost in the last few years. Mine wants control of the relationship and he says he hasn't had it, but in my mind he has had much of the control ... it's just in different times/parts of the relationship and w/ different aspects in the relationship. I also wonder why anyone needs to feel in control ... whatever happened to partnerships? Is there ever 50/50 split or is there always someone in control?

I just can't get over the idea that leaving a marriage after spending so much of your life invested in it can be so easy for some people. My kids will know that I did everything I could to keep the family together. 

I guess you could handle it in one of two ways... act like you don't care if it works (along the 180 line of thinking) or come up with something that would make you feel good to "fix it," rather than just 'allowing him' to come home. You said he didn't believe in MC, but obviously what's going on right now isn't working his way either, kwim? What would make you feel better, besides a wonderful apology and him coming home with the 'right' attitude? 

Good luck, when are you all meeting?


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

I know it goes against the 180, but I think you are being a great Mom, thinking about your kids first. It was nice to invite him to come spend time with the kids. Let him have some time in the family, but you're not there. I know when my H comes to the house, he is reminded of "home". 
I don't know what my H could say that would make sense to me, at this point.
He left and texted how he can't believe he let things get to this point without doing anything. 
And then he continues to Not do anything? 
I don't get it. 
He may really be done, and I'm prepped for that. His actions support that. So I'm ready for anything. We meet today.

I know how you feel about wanting your kids to know you tried everything.
I have 2 adult daughters. One married, and one single. 
Neither have any idea of what has gone on or is happening now.
I dread talking to either of them about this, especially the single daughter. I know she will take it really hard. I don't want to squash her ideals of marriage either. I don't want either to choose a side, or have a bad feeling about him, so I am lost as to what to say to them. One of them called, and asked to talk to Dad, and I had to lie! Just said he wasn't home. 
Well....that was true...He isn't home!! LOL

Hope you have a nice day out of the house for awhile.


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## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

Corpsebride, hi, I had to write and tell you that I feel your pain because it sounds like we are in quite similar situations, I have been married around the same number of years and also have 2 adult children, one married with 2 of her own.....

H and I have been through crisis after crisis but now I think we are really DONE. It's like you are carrying around a dead body (the marriage) and yet no-one is prepared to hold a funeral, KWIM?

I want to believe there is a Better Future out there (hence the name).

What happened when your H came back to talk?

Would be good to share experiences, I am very alone with all of this


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Corpse, How did the meeting go yesterday? 

My H was gone when I got home. He spent several hours playing with them. I was worried that I'd have to pick their spirits up so I bought some movies on my way home to do a movie night, but the kids were okay. They didn't talk much about it and didn't ask questions. They are 4, 6,and 8. Last week they had many questions and I covered w/ vague answers and basically said it had to do with his job. I don't want them to worry if he does come home anytime soon. 

I am having a good weekend and can say the same thing as you ... I will be fine either way (but again I am having a good day ... at this very moment ... it could change in a blink of an eye - LOL).


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## corpsebride (Jan 22, 2012)

We had our meeting yesterday afternoon (sunday). 
It went fairly well and I was pretty amazed how un-emotional I was (or played it off as).
He asked where we go from this point, and I told him his walking out, pretty much told me he was done, so why was he asking me now? I said he obviously had a plan and ran with it, so...what was there to talk about now.
He said - He didn't know how to deal with his realization of some of his mess ups and how some of his actions/lack of actions, had gotten us to this point of unhappiness. He admitted he panicked and ran, saying his emotions overtook him and he didn't want me to see him so vulnerable.
It was about 6 hrs of talking and I think he was a little shocked that I wasn't my usual crumbling mess of tears. I resisted saying things like "you hurt me", and made him answer some tough questions. 
In the end, he said he wanted to make it work (which is what always happens). I knew he wanted me to say "me too"....blah, blah, but I didn't.
I told him that it wasn't just a matter of working on the relationship, but the fact that he "left me...again"...added some resentment, loss of trust, etc. 
I told him I didn't think he would be capable to doing the work that would be necessary to begin to rebuild trust, on top of the relationship work. I told him I didn't know what exactly would change my feelings (and I really don't know if there is anything).
He said he might look into some counseling for himself. Shocked me. 
He said he will do what it takes, IF I could promise it would work. I told him I could NOT guarantee that. He left saying he gets how I feel, and he would be upset, if our daughters' hubby, did the same to her (walk out, come back, walk out...).
I told him I wanted him to really think if he could handle coming back, cuz it isn't going to be instant sunshine and rainbows.
He called and invited me to dinner 2morrow night, like a date.
We will see what happens....
I love to think it can all be saved, he will change, he now sees the light, etc...but I am skeptical and this time I made sure he knows he caused that feeling.
I can say I felt like I was the one in control.
He also said my lack of interest (the 180) scared him, so I guess backing off, does help things.


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## UnHappyWife_WantsToLeave (Jan 20, 2012)

Sounds like the meeting went well! Great job showing him through your actions how serious the situation is. Now is the time for him to start stepping up and showing you that he "got it". He might try to over compensate at first (too much at once) - that's just the way we guys do. 

If he is making signs of trying to improve, do acknowledge his efforts. Don't act like you have to be cold and nothing matters for too long or he will figure it's too late. A smile, or saying "thank you" or "I appreciate that" goes a looooong way. Even if he is "more wrong" than you are, it will still take both of you making an effort to fix it by you truly forgiving him (once earned) & by his actions of earning your trust back.


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