# Why do I feel so guilty?



## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years. We have a joint checking account, we have talked about the future together, etc. 

However, I broke up with his this morning mostly because he refuses to say "I love you". He has said it to me twice in 2 years although I have repeatedly told him how important it is to hear those 3 words. His response is he shows me by his actions that he loves me so he should'nt have to say it. I've told him many times that words are my love language and I need to be reassured by words that he loves me.

This is what I told him this morning:

"The only conclusion I can come to is that you don't want to say I love you is because you don't. Like I said Do I think you love me "Yes" like you love your family perhaps. Do I think you are "in love with me" No! Otherwise it wouldn't be an issue for you. 

The sad thing is your just a great person and we get along so good for the most part but I have this resentment now that I don't know what to do with. 

Like you said I shouldn't force you to say something you don't want to say but it's a deal breaker for me. 

Do I want you to say those words to me now "No, not at all" because you wouldn't mean them. 

Are you good to me Yes but like I said emotionally I need more and since your not willing to bend then I think we should go our separate ways. I don't want to feel guilty for wasting you time when nothings going to change. I'm sorry but I need more than your willing to give. 

Yes, your feelings do matter so I don't want you to say anything your not willing to say with your heart."

So why am I feeling so guilty for breaking up with him? It's obvious our relationship wasn't important enough to him to meet my simple need for reassurance of those 3 words.

It's just so sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe you are really not sure that this is reason enough to end the relationship?

How long after you met him did you move in with him?

What other things about him do you have a problem with?

How old are the two of you?

You have children, right? Is he the father? How old are the children?


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

EleGirl:

I am 53, he is 67. No children together. I have 2 adult children, he has 1. 

We moved in together 3-4 months after DD with my ExH of 28 years. However we lived together for over 2 years 30 years ago and he left because I wanted to get married and have children and he didn't since he had just divorced 2 years earlier. It was a timing thing. We stayed friends although I never really saw him. He never did get remarried. 

There are a few other things that bother me in our relationship. Like he's never wrong. Is too stubborn to say he's sorry about anything, guess cuz he's never wrong. 

A few other small things but nothing I couldn't overcome. 

I'm just afraid I'm losing a pretty good guy because he's too stubborn to make me feel secure in our relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DD? Do you mean D-day as in an affair was discovered? Whose affair?

Or do you mean divorce?

It that all you need to feel secure? For him to say 3 words? It would seem that it would take more than that.

The 3 words bit does not bother me. What bothers me is that you have told him very clearly what you need from him. It's trivial really. But he cannot do that. 

To me a good relationship means that each partner makes it their priority to make sure that the other partner's needs are met. 

My take is that he's toying with you... like a 15 year old who is not going to say "uncle" just because you cannot make him do it.

Have you ever just tried to drop the topic and see if he does say that on his own?

He sounds like a hard headed guy.. they are not easy to deal with. That's for sure.

What was his reaction when you told him all this today?


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Baseballmom6 said:


> So why am I feeling so guilty for breaking up with him? It's obvious our relationship wasn't important enough to me to get over my need for reassurance in the form of those 3 words.


:scratchhead:

Devil's advocate.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Ok, I dont normally take a stance like this but.......
Your man is being said to be hard headed, maybe so, but so are you.
When I read the first post, all I could imagine was some 19 yr old newlywed with sour grapes......guess not as I read on.
Im sorry you feel the way you do, but for me personally, the older I get (47), it just seems so much more important to enjoy time spent with a great person, rather than sulking over 3 words you dont think you hear enough.....
Yep, we all like to hear it, but is it ALWAYS a deal breaker? Hope not when im 67.....


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

You deserve better than this. This man clearly has commitment issues. You are beyond your childbearing years yes, but you are still young. You can still find a man who will tell you he loves you and mean it.

I get the sense that this guy is with you because it is convenient for him. Move out and move up. You deserve it!


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Convenient for him? Probably so, HE IS 67! Now, im not knockin the older generation, just cut the man some slack! Is this what we all have to look forward to in those golden years? Pass......


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I suspect there's some emotional manipulation going on here. He withholds what he knows, is important to you because it allows him to maintain the upper hand in the emotional power balance of the relationship, which should be equal. And if the relationship wasn't meeting needs that were important to you then you did the right thing to end it. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Emotional manipulation? The upper hand? Do you really believe that is what hes after? Look baseballmom, im not dismissing what your feeling, I believe it isnt bringing you happiness. All im saying is, if 3 words is all thats holding up your life, then make a decision, stick to it, and dont look back...
Somehow, I dont think you really want to, and or, this man aint so bad.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

EleGirl: 

DDay as in the 3rd time I caught my exH having a full blown affair. The 2nd time I caught him I told him then that if I ever caught him again, I would leave and immediately file for divorce which I did. Divorce was final 90 days after I filed. My boyfriend didn't move in until my divorce was final.

_"What bothers me is that you have told him very clearly what you need from him. It's trivial really. But he cannot do that. 

To me a good relationship means that each partner makes it their priority to make sure that the other partner's needs are met."_

I guess this is really what is bothering me that it is important to me but he just doesn't care.

I have only brought it up one or twice all year. I did bring it up a few weeks ago again. Or course, he responded that he wasn't going to say it. A few night later he said "Roll over here and hug me and tell me how much you love me." I rolled over and hugged him and he said "Now tell me know much you love me." I said Humm... and he said "humm what "to which I said I think you get what your give in a relationship." Perfect opportunity to say it but of course, he didn't. 

His reaction today was this "Knew this was coming." Haven't heard from him since. He wasn't home when I got home this evening (it's my house). I assume he is at his house. (He had renters in it that he recently had to evict.) He hasn't even called.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

I'llUseMyEars said:


> Convenient for him? Probably so, HE IS 67! Now, im not knockin the older generation, just cut the man some slack! Is this what we all have to look forward to in those golden years? Pass......


Cut him some slack... I have cut him plenty of slack. There are lots of things I have changed to make him happy. He doesn't want me to go to GNO, so I don't. He doesn't text and won't call me at work ever because as he says "Your there to work, not talk on the phone." So I accept it. 

We have sex 2-3 times a week and I initiate it often. I massage his back every single night before we go to sleep and almost every morning before I get out of bed, because he loves it and I want to make him happy. 

Apparently, he just isn't as interested in making me happy. 

He went back to college and received a psychology degree at the age of 52, you would think he would know what it takes to make a relationship work. Give and take by both people.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Ok, I admit, I stand corrected. Im sorry. If he is in bed asking you to roll over and tell him you love him, and thats it, well, perhaps I was wrong about him. Now, he seems like an odd one, hmmmmm.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He is not that in to you or he would be begging you to stay. Do you respect and value yourself? It's important that you look at your relationships and see if there is a pattern of not valuing and respecting yourself. 

You remained with a man who cheated on you 3 time before you left. You replaced him with a man who was not into you years before and does not seem to be into you enough now. He does not care if you are happy. Yiou may be convenient, do you put more effort into the relationship than he does? 

He lives in your home, gets sex without having to go out and look for it, gets income from his house and saves expenses, shares housework and cooking and shopping, I hope. Probably has a social secretary. How much has he contributed to the finances? Does he do chores, tie care of the mechanics. Dose he take you out on dates, put any effort into making you happy? If you are doing too much for him then you may be a convenience not someone who is important eno=ought that he feels he needs to wi=ork to keep you. 

Please don't make the mistake of running after him. Tell him to get his stuff out of your house and don't look back. If you run after him, he will know that you will put up with little crumbs from him. This experience may be telling you something, you don't ask for enough in a relationship. 

Get yourself in shape, work on self esteem and date men who are willing to give you you as much as you give. You are worth it. Let him try to find someone to give him what you gave him. He may find someone but it won't be anyone like you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'llUseMyEars said:


> Convenient for him? Probably so, HE IS 67! Now, im not knockin the older generation, just cut the man some slack! Is this what we all have to look forward to in those golden years? Pass......


A 67, he should be kissing her feet. Quality men would kill for a woman like her. He has a built in sex partner., masseuse, cook, cleaning lady. It cost him nothing and gets someone to foot half the bill. 

He has it good. She does not need a self-centered, entitled man to serve. Better to be alone than have a freeloader who should know better. Men like that are a dime a dozen. He wont be getting sex as often, if at all if he were single and looking. 67yo men are not exactly sought after, health issue, piping problems, may need a nursemaid in a few yrs. If he is


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

With the added info.. yep move on. 

He wanted you to tell him how much you love him. But he cannot do the same in return? I'm waiting for your answers to the Catherine602's post #14


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't see what's wrong. You were together, at a certain point you realized you weren't getting what you needed out of it. You ended it instead of continuing to have unmet needs.

Sounds like a smart decision all around, this is what dating is for is it not?

Ideally you wouldn't move in with someone for a while so you could examine this kind of stuff BEFORE you intertwine your lives.

Many people in your situation seem to run off and get married and then complain years later that they are unhappy....kind of silly.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm not sure that studying Psychology makes one any better at applying it (and if it was deviant Psychology I can see some other problems) While being older means you have more experience, be more careful the love part of it is the same no matter how old or young you are. Telling someone you love that "I love you" is as right at 25 as it is at 50 or 67. If he won't say it how do you know he feels it? Sometimes actions need words.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Baseballmom6 said:


> Cut him some slack... I have cut him plenty of slack. There are lots of things I have changed to make him happy. He doesn't want me to go to GNO, so I don't. He doesn't text and won't call me at work ever because as he says "Your there to work, not talk on the phone." So I accept it.
> 
> We have sex 2-3 times a week and I initiate it often. I massage his back every single night before we go to sleep and almost every morning before I get out of bed, because he loves it and I want to make him happy.
> 
> ...


He does not want to call because he does not want to make the effort because he does not care. 

Everything points to him not caring enough to make the effort, you make it possible for him to do just that. He hit the jackpot. How many men nearing 70 have what he has, gratis? How many good 70 yo men are in love and supporting wives who want nothing to do with them? Here you are giving a man not worth much of anything.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> He is not that in to you or he would be begging you to stay. Do you respect and value yourself? It's important that you look at your relationships and see if there is a pattern of not valuing and respecting yourself.
> 
> You remained with a man who cheated on you 3 time before you left. You replaced him with a man who was not into you years before and does not seem to be into you enough now. He does not care if you are happy. Yiou may be convenient, do you put more effort into the relationship than he does?
> 
> ...


Well to give him some credit, he is retired and does a lot around the house. He mows, cleans the house, and washes clothes. I do the cooking and half the housework. You made be laugh with "Social Secretary." He is retired and on Social Security which doesn't pay much. I work and make a very high income. Although he received a psychology degree he never used it. 

He puts his house rent in a joint account, I match it, and and we pay the household bills with it. I pay my house insurance and all maintenance because it is my house. He is not stingy with money but frugal so we don't go out often.

However, a comment he makes often is "I spent all day doing (whatever is was) for Baseballmom." I told him for example that when he mows he isn't or shouldn't be doing it for Baseballmom... he should be doing it for us because we both live here. I told him I don't say "Well I cooked for T tonight." I cook for both of us because we both live here and need to eat. 

I know I put up with my ExH for way too long and that is why I broke up with my boyfriend because I decided after that relationship that I wasn't going to settle for less than I deserved. I just wonder why I feel so guilty about it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If he is not upset about it, why are you. He does not care so why do you. It comes down to respecting your worth. You are not a common woman. Maybe you feel sorry for him because he doesn't know what he lost. So OK feel sorry. But his foolishness is his problem. But PLEASE don't take him back. Tx him to get his stuff and leave the key. 

You work, you are intelligent, giving, enjoy sex, financially independent and I assume you keep up with friends and don't make a man the center of your existence, plus you give a killer massage. You rock and you don't know it. The only way you are going to realize your value is to date. You went from one loser cheat to another selfish loser with no money or anything else. Give it a break and work on you.

Don't let the first man who comes your way move in. Have some criteria, he has to equal you in finances and vigor and selflessness and he must be into you and realize how lucky he is. .


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW, hire someone to do the lawn and repairs, it's cheaper.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

His refusal to tell you that he loves you means.....well...that he doesn't love you.

So you dumped a man that doesn't love you. End of story.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening baseballmom6
I see two possibilities. 

1) He doesn't love you and doesn't want to lie. In some sense that is very noble of him, but it means you can leave with a completely clear conscience.

2) he is so pig headed that he has decided that he "won't give in". That is stubbornness bordering on mental illness. Again you can feel free to leave.

Love is about doing things to make your partner happy. Now, if what would make them happy is to move into a hut in the hill country of Papua New Guinea, then its reasonable to say no. But if its just to say "i love you"???? Why would any rational person say no?:scratchhead:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I think you are taking this all too literally. I personally don't like to say "I love you" a lot to my wife--it feels girlie manish to me. But I show her I love her all the time. 

Maybe he is just embarrassed to actually say it?


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