# Can a relationship survive no "spark?"



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I literally just got a text that said, "I love you and enjoy existing with you. We have a lot in common. Don't forget that."

Out of context, that text could come from any number of people.....parent, sibling, roommate, significant other, best friend.....BEST FRIEND.

I'm scared I have fallen into "best friend only" status with my BF.  While I enjoy having an otherwise GREAT relationship with this man (for the most part,) our intimacy is in a rough spot. He is LD and apparently has decided it's because he isn't as physically attracted to me as he used to be. (I have gained about 15 pounds since we met, he's gained about 50.....but I still find him attractive.)

Ouch.

Ironically, I heard the same crap from my ex, who was an all around doochenozzle anyway. But I wonder how on earth I found myself in another relationship with a man who doesn't find me attractive.

I'm not awful looking. I get attention from the opposite sex.

I love him and I know he loves me. We live together with my 2 boys who adore him as well. (He is pretty much the only father figure they have.) He and I get along well. We spat occasionally....always work it out. But there is essentially ZERO spark between us. 

Has anyone had a relationship come back from this? And HOW?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

He told you he's not attracted to you??


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Not in those words, but yes. PHYSICALLY anyway. He said he's mentally and emotionally very attracted to me. He loves my personality and WHO I am. I am not sure, but I think I was supposed to be comforted by that. LOL!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Which I was, I guess. But not feeling like your spouse (he's pretty much) is attracted to you physically kinda blows.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sure, a relationship can survive many things. But few thrive when there are unresolved issues. He enjoys "existing" with you - I've had more exciting vegetables! So if you ever want a sex life in the future, you'll have to look elsewhere. But you can stay friends!


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

That text might as well have said- "I love you and enjoy being *room mates* with you. We have a lot in common. Don't forget that."


Was there more to that convo?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I believe chemistry and sexual attraction are HUGELY important in a relationship. I never realized just HOW important they are until I got out of a 20-year "dead" marriage with an LD husband and into a long-term relationship with my now-SO.

It's truly like a veil being lifted -- suddenly everything that was grey before comes into full color.

I honestly do not believe you can "create" that spark. IMHO, it's either there or it's not. Others will disagree, I'm sure.

I wish you the very best. Personally, I'd be moving on if I knew someone didn't find me attractive.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I adore this man. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had (I guess that says a lot about me, huh?)

Yes, there was more conversation. That came after the in person convo we had this morning about how he tiptoed around telling me he wasn't physically attracted to me. He swore he doesn't have a "type," but I surmised when we were dating that I wasn't it. (He showed attraction to leggy blondes on TV and such.) I guess that's both of our bads.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon GA_Heart
This is really difficult. The whole LD/HD thing is awful. 

I don't think you can be happy in a relationship without that "spark". It *can* come back (my wife and I managed - mostly), but usually it doesn't. 

There is all the difference in the world between living with a "friend" and living with a lover. 

Your weight has nothing to do with it. My wife is in her 50s, and (god help me if she sees this) a little pudgy - but I adore her, when I get home and she is wearing something slinky my heart races. Love really is blind. I see the beautiful desirable woman I met 35 years ago.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Depends on what type of relatonship. I enjoy existing with my desk chair in my office, it is very fluffy and adjustable. I enjoy existing with my dog, she is a real friend and i get to play with her. But a spouse? I would probably have to get castrated first. The pain of what could have been would be in my face everytime i saw her.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I guess a relationship could work without a spark, but is that what you really want? Is that something that you can live with? How do you plan to have your intimacy needs met?

I'm not going to lie, my feelings would be hurt if my husband told me he didn't find me as physically attractive. But, it may motivate me to do something about it. (depending on how it was said)


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

He said it as gently as possible. And my feelings were hurt, but I didn't pout or "punish" him in any way for telling me the truth. I want to know.

Thing is.....he is a VERY passionate person. He is highly emotional and loves getting worked up about stuff. I am much more grounded, and try to keep him level. We work very well together. I just wish he could spend some of that passionate energy on ME in a positive way.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> He said it as gently as possible. And my feelings were hurt, but I didn't pout or "punish" him in any way for telling me the truth. I want to know.
> 
> Thing is.....he is a VERY passionate person. He is highly emotional and loves getting worked up about stuff. I am much more grounded, and try to keep him level. We work very well together. I just wish he could spend some of that passionate energy on ME in a positive way.


I gotcha. That's a toughie....


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

Personally if my knees stop going weak when my husband walks in the room I will start to worry. I need a spark. I need to live not exist.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sure, I've had relationships for decades with no spark or sexual connection. 

Oh, wait... You're not talking about friendships? Then no... What's the point? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

About a year ago my marriage was where yours is spark wise. We did come back from it but it required hard work on both our parts. If both of you are not all in, it won't work. He already had one hard conversation with you. There's one more to go. Where does he want to go from here? He obviously can't expect to make that statement and leave it at that. I hope he had a plan of attack in mind when he said that. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Thank you, Ray.....I KNOW I want to fix this, and I"m pretty sure he does. We are IN love (not just love.) 

And thanks to everyone for your input......no, I don't want to just exist.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

> He is LD and apparently has decided it's because he isn't as physically attracted to me as he used to be.


Any chance he is telling himself this because he is too ashamed or feeling "less than manly"?

Might just be low-T. He should see his doc.
If the relationship is great except for this, it would be a shame to allow it to die without a little investigation.

How long have you two been together?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Depends what you mean by come back? To what? A low-ish spark? Squeeze your hand?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I wonder if him gaining 50 lbs has something to do with it. maybe he is ashame of himself, and avoids sex for that reason? is this a possiblity?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> Depends what you mean by come back? To what? A low-ish spark? Squeeze your hand?


EXACTLY!! I lived in the "low-ish spark, squeeze your hand" mode for 20 years.

When I left that dreary situation, I moved to the "blow-your-doors-off-sex, squeeze-my-crotch" mode.

:rofl:

BEST decision I ever made. The world was grey until I moved to full Techni-color... kind of like The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy leaves dreary tornado-stricken Kansas behind and wakes up in full-color Oz... !!!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

LOL! You guys! 

The sex was great at first. He couldn't keep his hands off me. Yes, I think that his weight gain (and the fact that he stays sooooooo tired) has something to do with it. He has gone to the doctor to check his T level, and I recently found out they never called with any results, so I guess that means he's ok? 

We've been together about 2 years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you saying he never had that spark or he had it and lost it? Did you maybe tick off all the boxes for him except "spark" and he felt that was enough?

If he never had it then, no, it's very unlikely he's going to get it. I don't think men can manufacture physical attraction if it never existed. If he did once have it then, yes, it's possible it could return although there's obviously no guarantee it will. 

If he's told you he's not physically attracted to you -- and then sent you that text -- sounds like he's saying a limited sexual relationship is okay with him considering the rest of your relationship is good. The problem is that it isn't okay with you. 

So, can you live that way forever if he never finds that "spark"? Because that could be what you're looking at.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GA HEART said:


> LOL! You guys!
> 
> The sex was great at first. He couldn't keep his hands off me. Yes, I think that his weight gain (and the fact that he stays sooooooo tired) has something to do with it. He has gone to the doctor to check his T level, and I recently found out they never called with any results, so I guess that means he's ok?
> 
> We've been together about 2 years.


That's a bad assumption to make. He could be within "acceptable" ranges, but the ranges cover 18 to 70 year old guys for example). He should phone back and get the actual values. 

C


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

PBear said:


> That's a bad assumption to make. He could be within "acceptable" ranges, but the ranges cover 18 to 70 year old guys for example). He should phone back and get the actual values.
> 
> C


Sounds like he may be afraid to find out. When they do a panel test like that, the user has to be breifed of the results.
No other way around it.
It's part of insurance law.

2 years? Maybe a combination of low T, honeymoon period being over, and poor shape.
The tired thing sounds like the main reason.
I am not always down for sexy time if I'm really tired.

...but Im rarely tired...


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> Thank you, Ray.....I KNOW I want to fix this, and I"m pretty sure he does. We are IN love (not just love.)
> 
> And thanks to everyone for your input......no, I don't want to just exist.


Well since he started the ball rolling on this and is the LD partner, he needs to be the first to lay out a plan for a rebuilding of the marriage. I'm going to suggest something that greatly helped my wife and I out in the early days of reconciling our marriage that your LD husband may not like. Schedule sex. And each of you give 100% weather you want to or not. Like it or not, a decent sex life makes all the other issues a couple faces so much easier to sort through in my opinion. Actually my LD wife was the one to sugest it in our case. It definately helped me because I had a lot of resentment from our marriage being sexless. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SamuraiJack said:


> Sounds like he may be afraid to find out. When they do a panel test like that, the user has to be breifed of the results.
> No other way around it.
> It's part of insurance law.
> 
> ...


Interesting. Around here, we only get a call if the doctor feels there's something that we need to know. So I usually schedule my own followup appointment and get a copy of my own test results, so I can keep track of things over time. 

C


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Unless you agreed to arrangement like that, here they would call or set up an appointment. Insurance law states that the tests results must be shared to ensure the patient understands. This eliminates liability and ensures billing…which what they really want to have go smoothly. I do, however, remember it being more aimed at large institutions. When my clinic was absorbed by a large local hospital, things changed tremendously.
This is the way I get my cholesterol results. When I told them drop me an email, they said “ You will get a paper copy. It’s the law.”

But you are in Canada.
I understand things are different there…


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Tired?????? I've never been too tired for sex(and I work over 60 hours a week). I don't understand men who use that as an excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Tired?????? I've never been too tired for sex(and I work over 60 hours a week). I don't understand men who use that as an excuse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^ ^ ^
THIS!!

Georgia girl...

I respect your position, but I fear you are up against a brick wall.

LISTEN to this song... don't necessarily "WATCH" the video -- classic 80s cheesy "mullet hairdo" not to mention a God-Awful video....

But listen to the PASSION in the song and tell me if you and your lover feel anything like this. If not, time to bail!! (I apologize for the VIDEO, and his AWFUL 80s "jumpsuit" -- but *listen to the LYRICS...)*

"Naughty naughty, cute and h*rny... Sq Sq Sq Sq SQUEEZE me!!!!)

Did you EVER feel this kind of passion with the man in question?!

John Parr - Naughty Naughty - YouTube


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I've reminded him to call twice this week so far. I'm not gonna nag, cause I know that won't work. I might remind him again Friday.

Not having a spark isn't a deal breaker to me, but I just want to stay "on top" of things (and I PREFER to have one.) I don't want either of us to slip into the routine so far that we lose sight of what's important. I've been in a disaster of a long term marriage, I know how it can happen and what it can do.

You guys give me hope. LOL!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Happy - Can't say that is us right now, no. Has it been? Yes. 

He does sing along with this song every time it comes on the radio: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=450p7goxZqg Although he just says he loves the song. Never actually directs it in my direction. But I will claim it! LOL!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> Happy - Can't say that is us right now, no. Has it been? Yes.
> 
> He does sing along with this song every time it comes on the radio: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=450p7goxZqg Although he just says he loves the song. Never actually directs it in my direction. But I will claim it! LOL!


Claim it girl. You have to start somewhere. 

All I think about is my wife when I hear that song. My wife and I are headed to jamica with some other couples early next year. I've decided I want to sing that to her on one of the karaoke nights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> EXACTLY!! I lived in the "low-ish spark, squeeze your hand" mode for 20 years.
> 
> When I left that dreary situation, I moved to the "blow-your-doors-off-sex, squeeze-my-crotch" mode.
> 
> ...


if you keep rubbing it like this, I may go and file for divorce today. Then you will be on the hook for alimony, lol!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> LOL! You guys!
> 
> The sex was great at first. He couldn't keep his hands off me. Yes, I think that his weight gain (and the fact that he stays sooooooo tired) has something to do with it. He has gone to the doctor to check his T level, and I recently found out they never called with any results, so I guess that means he's ok?
> 
> We've been together about 2 years.


how about thyroid? that can drain you out of energy, and out of your sexual drive too.

Frankly, gaining 50 lbs may have a lot to do with it. My guess is he is depressed, self-loathing, and with no energy whatsoever for anything other than sitting on the couch.

maybe diet and physical activities together?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I wish! I tried to get him excited about exercising when we met. He attempted to run with me a couple times, but has since claimed he was only doing it "to get the girl."

Which honestly I think is my biggest problem right now. Seems he did a lot of things "to get the girl." I used to get sweet text messages from him. He used to send me song titles of songs that he heard that reminded him of me. He used to just grab my face and kiss me like he meant it. He used to tell me I was gorgeous, pretty, beautiful, etc. I can't remember the last time he did any of those things unprompted. (Why should I have to nudge him???)

I feel like he just isn't "in" to me. He's comfortable in the relationship. I still get a good-bye kiss in the mornings and a hello kiss in the afternoons, and perhaps a quick snuggle in the bed, and basic sex on Sunday. (If I'm lucky.) We still talk about our issues with work and kids and stuff. We still work together to cook (mostly him) and clean (mostly me.) 

Yesterday, after posting this, I sent him some texts that basically said I was scared we were heading to a "roommate/best friend feel" to our relationship and I didn't want that. He replied with:
"I love you"
"We are more than just friends. Just sayin."
So I responded with:
"Tell me how!  "
And he responded with:
"Look around you when you get home."

So I got a little excited, thinking maybe he was going to beat me home and leave me a sweet note, bring me flowers (last set I got was June, 2013,) light candles.......SOMEthing. I'm not too demanding in this department, but I AM female and get a little excited.

When I got home.......he wasn't there, there was nothing. Yes, THEN, I will fully admit that I completely pouted. I know that I shouldn't have expected anything, but the text got me too excited. I asked him about it, and he LAUGHED. Said he meant to look at the home we had together. The house that I paid 80% of. That I furnished 99% of. That I pay 80% of the bills for. Yes, we do about 50/50 of the work, and yes, my two boys live there. But REALLY????

I got the general impression that he feels like I should be grateful to be graced with his presence. That *I* am one lucky gal, because he could have any girl he wants. He IS a good man, and I DO love him......but I think he's gotten a bit ****y. He was much more humble when we met. I NEVER really worry about who pays what......never let it bother me....until this attitude started to show. All I want is to feel like he thinks I"m special. Is that asking too much? Maybe I"m just expecting too much?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You guys have a lot of talking to do. he is taking you for granted. You need to make him realize that ain't so.


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