# officially terrified



## raina354 (Jul 5, 2015)

i guess this has been coming for awhile, i just hoped and prayed it would just some how magically go away. i need help. i really dont know what to do. i am crazy in love with my husband. we have been together 13 years. he says he is crazy in love with me. the problem is in the bedroom. i understand we have been together a long time and spicing things up. i have tried lingerie, toys, even looked at porn and engaged in sending photos to online forums. its all getting too real. he wants me to sleep with another man. EVERY time we have sex it is about this fantasy. for me, there is no emotional connection during sex any more...this leads me to just want to pretend im asleep or whatever just to avoid it. i want to have sex with him. alot. all the time. but not always about this stupid fantasy. im over it. i feel unloved because of it. when i ask to take a break from it he becomes angry and distant. im exhausted. im afraid our marriage is collapsing and i dont even understand how because everything else is so good. please give me some kind of hope.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that it is fine to put a dividing line on sex when it involves other people. That really is different from toys and costumes etc. Its OK for him to ask once, but if you say no, he should absolutely accept that. 

Might he be able to satisfy his fantasy some other way? Maybe he dresses up, and you both play act that he is a different man? Video for him to watch? 









raina354 said:


> i guess this has been coming for awhile, i just hoped and prayed it would just some how magically go away. i need help. i really dont know what to do. i am crazy in love with my husband. we have been together 13 years. he says he is crazy in love with me. the problem is in the bedroom. i understand we have been together a long time and spicing things up. i have tried lingerie, toys, even looked at porn and engaged in sending photos to online forums. its all getting too real. he wants me to sleep with another man. EVERY time we have sex it is about this fantasy. for me, there is no emotional connection during sex any more...this leads me to just want to pretend im asleep or whatever just to avoid it. i want to have sex with him. alot. all the time. but not always about this stupid fantasy. im over it. i feel unloved because of it. when i ask to take a break from it he becomes angry and distant. im exhausted. im afraid our marriage is collapsing and i dont even understand how because everything else is so good. please give me some kind of hope.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - you need to keep your H away from porn. Cuckold fantasies need to remain fantasies. It puts your M at risk.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

this is a fantasy that is more common than one might think. If is stays a fantasy it can be an intensifier for some in the bedroom; however, it sounds as if this is becoming more of an obsession with your husband. 

I assume you've talked this over with him and perhaps suggested it not be brought up ever time you have some sexual intimacy? If not, need to start there. 

There are lots of variations to this. It may have become such a fixation with him, he has a hard time performing without this fantasy. In that case your husband may need some professional help to put things in a bit more perspective. That can be difficult.

Another option is to share your erotic fantasy and he indulges you in hearing that. My have and i have different fantasies - things that get us aroused but stay strictly fantasy. Sometimes in our bedroom intimacy she will whisper her fantasy to me or i will whisper mine to her or, even better, one of us will whisper the other one's fantasy. It gets us really going - a sort of verbal foreplay and the rest is terrific. But it is not a constant thing, just one of the tricks in our erotic play bag.

I assume your husband is keeping this thus far at the fantasy level and not insisting it actually take place?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

raina354 said:


> i guess this has been coming for awhile, i just hoped and prayed it would just some how magically go away. i need help. i really dont know what to do. i am crazy in love with my husband. we have been together 13 years. he says he is crazy in love with me. the problem is in the bedroom. i understand we have been together a long time and spicing things up. i have tried lingerie, toys, even looked at porn and engaged in sending photos to online forums. its all getting too real. he wants me to sleep with another man. EVERY time we have sex it is about this fantasy. for me, there is no emotional connection during sex any more...this leads me to just want to pretend im asleep or whatever just to avoid it. i want to have sex with him. alot. all the time. but not always about this stupid fantasy. im over it. i feel unloved because of it. when i ask to take a break from it he becomes angry and distant. im exhausted. im afraid our marriage is collapsing and i dont even understand how because everything else is so good. please give me some kind of hope.


He's probably thinking that if he keeps up the pressure, you will cave and do what he says. You need to take a hard line with this that you are not willing to involve other people and if he keeps asking you will divorce him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> OP - you need to keep your H away from porn. Cuckold fantasies need to remain fantasies. It puts your M at risk.


^^^^^ agreed.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

raina354 said:


> i guess this has been coming for awhile, i just hoped and prayed it would just some how magically go away. i need help. i really dont know what to do. i am crazy in love with my husband. we have been together 13 years. he says he is crazy in love with me. the problem is in the bedroom. i understand we have been together a long time and spicing things up. i have tried lingerie, toys, even looked at porn and engaged in sending photos to online forums. its all getting too real. he wants me to sleep with another man. EVERY time we have sex it is about this fantasy. for me, there is no emotional connection during sex any more...this leads me to just want to pretend im asleep or whatever just to avoid it. i want to have sex with him. alot. all the time. but not always about this stupid fantasy. im over it. i feel unloved because of it. when i ask to take a break from it he becomes angry and distant. im exhausted. im afraid our marriage is collapsing and i dont even understand how because everything else is so good. *please give me some kind of hope.*


Stop participating in the fantasy. 

NEVER do anything that you do not want to do. 

NEVER cave on this. Draw your line in the sand.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Tell him either the fantasy goes, or he does.

DO NOT GIVE IN ON THIS!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

raina354 said:


> he wants me to sleep with another man, BUT I REALLY *REALLY* DON'T


End of discussion, for him. And if he can't respect that, he's also not respecting you. And you're going to have to consider the long term implications of staying with a 'man' who doesn't respect you...


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

unblinded said:


> Tell him either the fantasy goes, or he does.
> 
> DO NOT GIVE IN ON THIS!


Agreed. If it does happen, that may be his new normal. And you will probably feel violated. Just don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Sounds greatly like a cuckoldish fantasy of logical progression for him ~ first he wants other men violating you in his presence where he can either get his jollies off by simply watching that and/or then relegating/lowering himself to "sloppy seconds" status!

And then the next thing that he'll request is for you to sleep with another woman in his presence, preeminently because in doing so, it gives him leeway to sleep with her in your presence!

Whatever the equation adds up to, it does not spell "respect" for you at all! He ought to have his a$$ kicked for even merely suggesting it to you! This man needs serious counseling!

And if he refuses it, I'd lose him like a bad habit! You deserve far better out of life!*


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## nightkit6 (Jul 11, 2015)

I'm truly sorry this is happening to you,please,please don't give in.I did give in to my husband wishe's,for 10 yrs.,it lead me into not respecting myself and made me feel like a slab of meat being passed around.I haven't done this in about 3 yrs.,now our sex life is next to nil.I have to ask for sex all the time,because he won't anymore.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

There are probably some people, such as me, who would file for divorce if their wives wanted us to sleep with other people.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

No is a complete sentence.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Run Forrest, run.

Seriously.... tell him BEFORE any action in the bedroom begins (ie: getting undressed, etc). That you miss the connection you once had. You'd like some love-making, but if one word is mentioned of another man.. or another person during "fantasy" talk during the episode, you're out & won't do it.

He'll probably growl, nash his teeth, be affronted... whatever. But say that you mean it. You want to have sex with him, but only him. Say that if the thought or mention of another person comes into play, then you feel that you are not giving "him" your full attention, and feel that he is not giving you his full attention. You don't want that.

He'll storm off, but eventually will come around if he loves you and wants to be with "you". Let him be angry and distant. Tell him you're sick of the fantasy. You tried to indulge him, because you thought it would be different for a try, but you weren't fond of the fantasy in the first place. And that you never thought it would be a lasting or permanent thing. You didn't like it and you want it to end. Tell him when he wants you, the way that you are, and only you, and only him without other talk, that you will be there with open arms.

Then follow thru. IF he's there for "you" , then be there for him. If he starts to bring up the fantasy, stop, say "I'm done tonight", and walk out of the room. Go start the dishes or laundry or something that he sees you are serious about being "done for the night", and not just using it as 'leverage' or excuse.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He says 'he is crazy in love with you', but his actions lead me to believe he understands little about true love.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Boils down to your feelings on it, not his. If it was me, I would throw the ball back in his side of the court and ask him what kind of man would want to watch his wife have sex with another man. I would let him know that if he can't be satisfied having a normal healthy sexual relationship with his wife then maybe you and him should consider ending the marriage. Let him know that your not his ***** and he isn't your pimp and say it in a way that he finally gets the message that this is not going to happen and the subject will be dropped and not brought up for discussion any longer and if he gets pissed then let him.

Comes down to simple respect. Let him know you want nothing more but will not settle for anything less than that. Stick to your guns because if you do this just to make him happy, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Do not give in. Just smile at him and tell "Sure with another wife", and keep smiling.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just say sure, get the divorce drawn up and I'll sleep with another man.

One that actually loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pistal said:


> Don't take it personally. I want a threesome like nobody's business. My girlfriend won't have it. Doesn't mean I love her any less.



from what the OP posted, the problem is that he's making all their sex about his fantasy. 

Is this what you do with your girlfriend?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> OP - you need to keep your H away from porn. Cuckold fantasies need to remain fantasies. It puts your M at risk.


How is she supposed to keep her husband, a grown man, away from porn? :scratchhead:


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> How is she supposed to keep her husband, a grown man, away from porn? :scratchhead:


I dunno: shame, discuss it with him, give him some things to read about how porn damages people and their relationships. Probably a hundred other options


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you are to the point where you are "officially terrified," (and I understand that may be hyperbole, but you have reached your limit), it's time to enlist professional help. Make an appointment to discuss this with a marriage counselor, with your husband attending. I'm assuming you have set limits with him and he's crossed them, so YOU need to work on limit setting and HE needs to work on a healthier attitude toward you as his wife. He has some bizarre notions about how he perceives you (clearly your autonomy is irrelevant to him).

If, however, you set a limit and didn't follow through, then you are responsible for this on-going farce, too (and I don't mean that unkindly; just pointing out that you have more control than you seem to realize). 

Had any partner of mine crossed a line like that, I'd had made it clear that "cross again, and we will separate." Separation would entail joint and individual counseling while each of us decided whether or not we wanted to continue the relationship. IF we reconciled, it would be clear that I would not tolerate any further violations--relationship would end.

Boundary-setting like that has to be part of who you are, and if you haven't done it, start now. You choose your boundaries and what the consequences will be. After my ex threw out the 2nd mop I had bought b/c he didn't like it, I quit doing floors--b/c I told him the first time that I liked that type of mop and wouldn't do floors if he threw it out again. I wasn't even upset--I was surprised that he would do something like that (the first time), but it seemed pretty clear to me (after the second time) that there was a bigger issue, but nonetheless, I followed through. 

Following through is ESSENTIAL, so as you set boundaries, set consequences you can live with. Sometimes I would set a consequence that was too harsh/hard to follow through with (this applies to parenting, too, by the way) and would revise the consequence. But, my ex, my kids, my students know that I don't "threaten"; I warn. It's an astonishingly simple and effective means by which to communicate your boundaries, and nearly all people respect them. People who don't usually have their own issues to deal with but unless they are my kids or my students, they are not my problem. I walk away from people who cannot accept my boundaries.

While you feel deeply in love with your husband, you need accept that you are at least in part in love with an image of him--not a real person. A person who REALLY loved you would NEVER do this to you (again, assuming you've made your position clear). You may not be able to have the man you *think* you love, b/c he may not exist--that is, the parts you love about your husband may not exist without this other part that does not value you, like an abuser (most can be incredibly sweet and loving--sometimes, when filled with remorse--but that part of them cannot exist apart from the abusive side; they cannot change to be the sweet one 100% of the time).


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