# Nowhere to go.



## SeekingHelp1212 (Jan 7, 2010)

I've been married for going on 8 years now. I'm 30. I don't know how to describe what I've come to realize without making this a novel.

To be short, I knew going into this marriage it was a mistake. I married a wonderful person, who is still wonderful today. As far as a partner goes, I don't think I can find a better replacement. However, and it was like this from day one when I was too ignorant and immature to see it, I never have had passion for this woman. It was comfortable and secure and she was true and honest and I knew she loved me. I love her, but as a family member, not a devoted husband. I wouldn't want to ever hurt this woman who has done nothing but give me all she has. Still, despite my every effort to deny myself and bury the dreamer I once was, I cannot deny who I am and that I do not love this woman like she deserves. And, the tragedy is, I never have figured out why that is.

I once read, and it has stuck with me ever since, a forum thread written by someone debating getting married. One of the responses said "only marry this girl if she's got that coolness you want to experience for the rest of your life". That word "coolness" struck me. I never found a coolness in my wife that made me look forward to being with her. I guess being a good person and a faithful wife isn't enough to please some of us.

I used to think if I found someone that loved me, marriage would be good. I never imagined I would be in a marriage where my biggest hangup was loving them. I've tried, but it always makes me feel cheap because I don't mean it. I recall the week after we were married, making love felt like prostitution to me. That act is precious to my sense of honor, and even though I was married, I was tainting it in my heart. We never have had a strong love life because of this. 

She doesn't open up. I think she's either afraid of the truth that she has to know by now, or she's not equipped to deal with it. Regardless, in 8 years of marriage, a discussion on this would be one of the most meaningful conversations we've had. We're roomates. 8 years and I've never shared myself with her, nor have I wanted to. We have next to no communication, and difficult topics are something she has always shut down and avoided.

I'm at a crossroads now. She's putting on the beginning of pressure on having children. And, her parents are about to retire and uproot themselves to move here and be near her. They love where they're at but want to be near their daughter. I respect them too much to let that happen unless I know for sure it is not for nothing. So, my choices in the near future affect many peoples lives, and I feel like I have to make up my mind soon to prevent more damage.

I admit to myself I made a mistake. But, I'm not a fool and know a divorce is not a promise of greener pastures. Still, I'm miserable now because I'm in a marriage where I for some reason cannot love. And, to get out of it I have to hurt people dear to me. My family will not support me. I have very few places to turn. Acting on this results in essentially a complete destruction of my life as I know it. I work for a religious NFP, so I can even lose my job. And, though I don't love my wife as I should, I care for her and the pain of hurting her and telling her 8 years are gone from her life, her career, her home, her window to have a family....it's painful, and feels selfish. 

I want to love someone so much. I cannot manufacture the feelings for my wife, and because of this I feel so unbearably alone in this world. It often feels even my god has forsaken me, ashamed of me because she is giving and I don't. I'm having more and more daydreams about a life after divorce. I get glimmers of hope from that, and feelings I thought I killed in myself long ago. No matter what I do from here, worse pain is to come. Sometimes I feel the most caring thing I can do for her is let her go with the dignity and life she has left. I'd gladly pay alimony and support her so she can move on with as little difficulty as possible. I would never begrudge her anything she needs.

I'm scared. I'm alone. And it hurts all the time. I don't know what to do. We're way past doing what's fair. I'm starved for an outlet for my own desire to love. And, I'm getting weaker every day where I might do something or be someone I don't ever want to be or do, just to feel something again. Please tell me if I'm being selfish or stupid. I just want to stop hurting....


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Boy I don't know what your solution is here, could you go to a few therapy sessions and see what is really going on with you and why you can't connect with your wife, what does it do to you when you think about actually being without her.
It sounds like you will be giving up a lot yourself for this decision to leave.
I might try to slowly, gently talk to her about all this, maybe she feels the same, if you aren't connecting to her she must be feeling this as well....have the heartfelt talk about you two, your feelings and the future together and maybe children.
could the 2 of you read the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman and use the suggestions in the book to see if you can't get where both of you are getting what you need in the relationship maybe you can fall in love with her if you really open up to her.....
There is not a lot of good women out there, you seem to have one, don't through it all away because you think there is something out there that is different and better......
If really working on your feelings for doesn't work then you can leave.....I think it's at least worth a try....
good luck


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## SeekingHelp1212 (Jan 7, 2010)

jessi said:


> Boy I don't know what your solution is here, could you go to a few therapy sessions and see what is really going on with you and why you can't connect with your wife, what does it do to you when you think about actually being without her.
> It sounds like you will be giving up a lot yourself for this decision to leave.
> I might try to slowly, gently talk to her about all this, maybe she feels the same, if you aren't connecting to her she must be feeling this as well....have the heartfelt talk about you two, your feelings and the future together and maybe children.
> could the 2 of you read the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman and use the suggestions in the book to see if you can't get where both of you are getting what you need in the relationship maybe you can fall in love with her if you really open up to her.....
> ...


She is a good woman. That's why I married her. I thought the love part would come later. It just got harder every year. I would cycle from feeling normal, to trapped, to begging God for release, but as far as love goes, it never really has entered the equation. The best I can tell is that I don't respect her. 

This is not a point of pride, please don't take it that way because I don't hold this as any personal treasure, but I'm a lot more intelligent than her. So, where I want to have interesting dialogue about things, I never want to talk to her about it because when I have she never has anything to say. It's not that she talks but just comes across a particular way, she literally has nothing to say or just agrees with me. Maybe she has low self esteem and doesn't think she can tell me what I want to hear. I really don't know. I don't belittle her over it, at least I don't think I do. Not everyone is a philosopher. But, I need this and just can't get it from her. So, I quickly gave up trying, and that's an important part of a relationship to me. We have no communication, from either partner, and the little things really get to me when they shouldn't. For instance, she loves knitting, it's really an obsession now. I think she does it to pass the time of silence while I do the same on my computer. I hate the knitting, and I concede she has to hate the computer. But, the alternative is to watch TV with her. There are no other options. I've gotten so bad off about this, I don't want to leave the house. It's not that I love being at home, obviously, but when we go out I'm reminded at ever turn there are other people out there, and some in happy relationships, and it's like daggers to my heart that make me have thoughts I do not want. I feel like I'm in battles for my marriage and my soul on this one, and I'm losing both. 

I'm afraid to go to a councilor because there's no way I can do that without having the talk with her, or lie to her about seeing a friend when I'm really not (I don't want to do that). Having the talk may be inevitable, but I want to have my mind in order before doing it so I do it the right way. I guess that's where I'm at here.


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## Ataloss (Jul 8, 2009)

I am totally with you on this, same situation. I married my husband because he was a good person and we worked well as a team. I'm even to a point now that I almost want us to split more for his benefit because he deserves to be loved more than what I can provide to him. The difference in my situation is thatweI have kids, so other lives to think about in our decision. Otherwise, if I hadn't left by now, he definitely would have. 

In your situation, you don't have kids, and you understand exactly what's going on. This was from the get-go of the marriage, it's not as if you stopped loving her, you just never have, plain and simple. My advice is we all only live once. It sounds like you have very little baggage involved. Getting out seems to make the most sense. You will both be better off for it. I hope this helps, although, I think you already have the answers, you just need the courage to act on it now. Good luck! I could only wish my situation could be more cut and dry like yours, although, I also realize that it's all in perspective. Take care.


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