# Question about implementing the 180, specifically No Contact.



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Hi (again). I want to use the 180 as a plan to move on from my recent separation (she moved out). I see a lot of positives that it will bring me in surviving both today and down the road if there is no hope for us. 

However, i am concerned with the No Contact and remaining/appearing distant. One of her pet hates was that i didn't 'open up' and 'communicate' enough. (anyone else had that accusation?  ) 

It could be interpreted that i'm being just that, and no amount of explaining that i'm "giving her the space she needs while also giving me room and time to grow" will fall on deaf ears. I see a lot of "Oh, you've already checked out", "you just don't give a siht about me/us/our marriage" (delete as applicable...) in my future if i don't get this right before it first comes up.

She's been gone since Saturday, emailed me once on Monday and i politely asked her to not contact except in an emergency, as we'd discussed. I got the "oh, i'm sorry, i'll stop bothering you" in return. 

Want to do this, but do it right. So any advice would be appreciated.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I don't think you should be going full NC at all.

Limited, but cordial should be your manner, not refusal to speak to her. That leads to exactly what you are concerned about. I believe I even suggested in your other thread that you make darn sure she knows you do not want this. But the 180 is showing an ability to move on, without her, and no neediness.

You're not trying to to shake her up out if an affair and make her choose an OM or you, and telling her you won't be in a relationship with a 3rd party involved. That would be different. Yiu're trying to show yourself that you can do this life thing without her. That doesn't mean you can't speak. 

She's got to know you're there and willing to be with her if she chooses you. But that she's got to choose, and that you're also quite capable of living without her if that's the path chosen and willing to do so.

My 2 cents.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

2xloser said:


> I don't think you should be going full NC at all.
> 
> Limited, but cordial should be your manner, not refusal to speak to her. That leads to exactly what you are concerned about. I believe I even suggested in your other thread that you make darn sure she knows you do not want this. But the 180 is showing an ability to move on, without her, and no neediness.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the feedback. It's just the sort of help i'm looking for. 

While, in this case, the 180 plan is not being implemented due to an affair (at least, as far as i can be certain. If there was an affair this would be moot as she knows my feeling on adultery, and there would be almost no chance of a recovery), Some of the 'rules' still seem to apply and have value for me. 

And, end of the day, this is about me and how i can move on from where i am, first, and eventually become someone she can want back in her life. But also be prepared in the event that i'm not.

I'm also working on my NMMNG, as i feel part of the reason our relationship has broken down is due to my NG issues. I think she has lost a lot of respect for me as a man (as have I), and demonstrating that i can be a better man (for both of us).

I won't refuse to speak to her, when it happens, as i agree that will accomplish nothing and lose a lot. But equally I won't be doing the pursuing. If she wants to reach out, i'll be there, but not every time she turns around. She needs this space to get her head together (as do i), without me IN her space, or her in mine. But equally, her having contact almost immediately after leaving did require a reminder that "hey, we talked about this, we agreed we would have no contact for a while, to let our spaces be established".

Meanwhile i'll be learning to stand on my own two feet, be decisive, and take the lead. Becoming a better person without saying "LOOKIT ME, LOOKIT LOOKIT!"

A modified 180 then (160 and a bit?), applying only the rules that improve the situation. Hmmm, a balancing act...


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sounds like your SO uses the same lines mine uses. I will be following this thread as I too need to know how to implement the 180. Do you have children? If so how do you utilize the 180 when you and your wife have to address any issues that involve them? I ask as we have a baby boy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

They always use those same lines and excuses for leaving. More often than not it is the WAS who is guilty of no communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Sounds like your SO uses the same lines mine uses. I will be following this thread as I too need to know how to implement the 180. Do you have children? If so how do you utilize the 180 when you and your wife have to address any issues that involve them? I ask as we have a baby boy.


Our kids are in their twenties, so fortunately that won't be an issue, as such.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I don't think you should be going full NC at all.
> 
> Limited, but cordial should be your manner, not refusal to speak to her.


I have to agree with this, but from a different angle. You have kids together. Grown or not, children NEED to see that parents can still get along and communicate with each other on some level. Whether it's all about the kids, or not, I just think it's beneficial for all involved.

If there were no children involved, I'd say NC is the way to go. But this isn't the case. :scratchhead:


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

The kids are old enough to have seen the worst of us, now it's time they see us finally doing something about it. My oldest is totally behind what's happening. In fact I just got a very supportive text from him; "I am happy that both of you are dealing with this in a good manner and helping yourself. You guys can do you first!"


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## Love4Mywife (Aug 25, 2014)

DayOne, my suggestion is give it a go and gauge the reaction you get.. Even just make it LC instead of NC.. 

I have been in LC with my W for the last 2 months since we separated (kids involved), but over the last couple of days I have gone NC to test the waters.. She has bitten on this, but I'm not too sure whether it's good or bad.. I'm seeking a bit of advice on what to do next (in my thread on this board), but it has definitely had an effect of making her contact me..

Just be sure to gauge the reaction.. If it works, all good.. If it doesn't have any effect, or makes things worse then stop..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180 is not about “no contact”. There is almost zero chance of fixing anything if you go no contact.

The 180 about not whining, not controlling, not begging, not being overly emotional. It is so that you can start to get in control of your own emotions, work on yourself and become a better you.

Since there is, to your knowledge no infidelity, there is no reason why the two of you cannot see each other, talk about issues and even start working on fixes.

Most separations end in divorce because it’s almost impossible to fix anything when you don’t see each other and talk. The most successful way to have a separation is to do a structured one with a counselor who helps you set goals and rules.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Love4Mywife said:


> DayOne, my suggestion is give it a go and gauge the reaction you get.. Even just make it LC instead of NC..
> 
> I have been in LC with my W for the last 2 months since we separated (kids involved), but over the last couple of days I have gone NC to test the waters.. She has bitten on this, but I'm not too sure whether it's good or bad.. I'm seeking a bit of advice on what to do next (in my thread on this board), but it has definitely had an effect of making her contact me..
> 
> Just be sure to gauge the reaction.. If it works, all good.. If it doesn't have any effect, or makes things worse then stop..


Thanks for the reply. I have read through your thread (been overloading on other peoples stories, TBH!  ), and it's not dissimilar to mine. Acted like a jerk and made mistakes too often. It's one of the reasons i'm glad (if it's possible to be 'glad' in this situation) that his happened (looking at the positive). Gives me a chance to step back and take a good look at what i've done, why i've done it, and how to better myself. FOR myself initially, but later, if there is a later, for us.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The 180 is not about “no contact”. There is almost zero chance of fixing anything if you go no contact.
> 
> The 180 about not whining, not controlling, not begging, not being overly emotional. It is so that you can start to get in control of your own emotions, work on yourself and become a better you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback. I hear what you're saying, and appreciate the words. I think (and i think she would agree) that there has been so much siht thrown for way too long, and so much bad feeling between us, that a good, solid, NC break is needed by both of us. If we spoke now, the stale atmosphere would crush us. This is not about cutting each other out, but a chance for the air to clear and both of us to breathe. The reason i reminded her to NC was for that reason, and that reason only. 

There will be contact, of course there will. But as she was the one that requested space an NC initially, i'm sticking to rule #1 (and 2, 3, 5, 7, 8 9 and 10 - 34!)

Initially she was not interested in counselling, but the day before she left she expressed an interest. But, for now i'm going to counselling just for me. I really have to address my own issues before i can hope to address ours. I don't know if she will choose to arrange her own help, but that's up to her.


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