# Hold onto Hope through the Affair



## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

All-

I feel the need to cash in a portion of my huge debt of gratitude to this board and special angels in particular.

4 months ago I learned that my wife had been having a secret relationship with her Ex boyfriend for several months. She claimed she was happy with our marriage and she said all the right things to appease me about their "innocent" realtionship.

Months later, when I really started paying attention to her behavior and not just the words she was speaking, I openly questioned this relationship which resulted in a huge fight and relationship divide that we are still in the beginning stages of resolving 2.5 months later. I now know what I believed in my heart all along - she is in the midst of an emotional affair and I suspect physical as well.

So here's what I have learned. I want to be with this woman forever. I love her deeply. And as much as she hates me right now, I have to stay true to my feelings and be honest with her. This means it is OK for me to be really angry with her but I have to express it as my feelings and not what she is doing to me, for only I control how I react to her behavior.

For me, this means embracing conflict in a positive manner and trying very hard to understand the situation from her perspective.

As much as I want to make progress in our relationship and heal, I can only do so at the rate at which she is comfortable.

She has to be willing to be honest with herself first before she can be honest with me.

I hope this helps.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need more intelligence. You need to VAR her car and keylogger your computer. If you are the bread winner, you need to separate finances. She definitely has slept with him, if she is willing to ruin your marriage with a 2.5 month battle.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

I'm not looking for advice, I am giving it.

Of course, you are entitled to post whatever you want and I respect your freedom to do so.

However, I believe the actions you suggest will only slow down or shut down the 100% honesty I need from her before I can consider my next steps and work toward forgiveness.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Generally, wouldn't you want to have succeeded before you give advice? But as you say you're free to post what ever you like.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

I have succeeded in getting myself prepared as best I can for the ups and downs to come.

As I said, this is the woman for me. I know this. I have 18 years invested in the relationship and 2 kids to think about as well.

So my best course of action is to try to be the man she loves, not destroy what little trust remains.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

yesterday, a suggestion, not advice. There is a poster here called cpt.confused. Who was of like mind, regarding your approach, to his wife. Another would be Mclovin and bdb548 also . You may consider reading their posts from their beginning.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Good luck yesterday.... you sound like a strong person to be ready for the fight of your life, saving your marriage. I hope it works out and wish you blessings...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well it sounds like to me you have found a way to make peace with what has happened and grow from it. Its that inner peace that is so hard to find. I'm so glad you seemed to have found it, hang on to that! Good luck to you. I hope it all works out.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hi yesterday i happened to stumble into this post. all i have to say to you is please take care of yourself first and please take care of your children also. and then hold on for dear life because you in for one hell of a ride! stay strong and may god bless!



CPT


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

First of all I want to say i am so sorry I know the pain an affair causes my wife had three in a year and a half one while we were together and two while we were seperated i confronted her on every one of them and would not except her behavior marriage is a holy bond and there is behavior that is totally unexceptable it dont matter how much it hurts or how much we love a person they have to be equally responsible for your marriage one of the biggest lessons i learned is that we absolutly cannot control what another person will do we cant find ryme or reason for their actions no matter how hard we try why a person can be so selfish while we are so giving we may never know the answer to these questions all we can do is fight the good fight and be the best pearson we can be and know that all things happen for a reason and have hope for a better future even when things are at there darkest hour we need help from every source we can find to rebuild ourselves and all that has been broken things will get better even though it looks hopeless the pain will go away in time and we will be a stronger person in the end and hopefully we can learn from what happens and make things better the next time well be strong put your foot down and dont tolerate her actions you may find if she is threatened to lose all she has she just may turn around but she may not but we have to stand up for what is right well good luck my freind and GOD bless you


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## AMW (May 15, 2009)

Hi there,

I am going through a major crisis right now where my life partner and husband (together for 15 years, married for 7 and half of them), dropped the bomb on me back in early November 2008 that he said our relationship was over and he didn't want to work on making things better or fixing our issues (which are fixable). I was devastated and am still asking why, why, why would he do this to me, my love, my best friend? We also have a 2 year old. 

He wanted to move out to have some space and give it a trial for 6 months, so he did on Dec 1. The worst thing of my life happened when I found out (not from him) that he had been having an affair with a woman and she turned out to be 26 years old (20 yrs younger than him). They are still continuing the affair which he now calls a new relationship and he wants to be with her as she does with him. It's really disgusting. 

Anyway, I am trying to help reconcile our marriage but he doesn't want any reconciliation. i am signed up with MarriageMax.com, a marriage coaching program and it's really excellent - I just wish he was in it with me, you can do it alone and apparently many people in the Lone track have reconciled theor marriages. Sadly, at this point, I am feeling hopeless that the program won't work for me, mainly because he'e intent on continuing the affair/new relationship.

Anyway, that's all to say, that I like your approach. I hope your wife sees the light and love of your relationship and works on it with you.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

AMW hang in there. I read your post and I believe your doing all the things you can do. I have come along way in our marriage after I had an affair. I would bet the new relationship will have its issues and your husband will come back into your life. The road back from infidelity is a long one but worth the trip if you so choose.

This post might give you some hope? 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/5216-road-back-infidelity.html


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

I am perplexed here, I must be missing something.

The cheater is empowered.

The cheated on is subservant.

Wow care about her behavior (auguing from her?????), why not end it.

Based on orginal post, why let her do what she wishes there will be no issues etc.

You can be the man she wants you to be.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

He is a cuckold. And is content in his delusion. He feels he can stop her from doing this guy by changing himself. Self deception is a real problem for this one. He doesn't understand that any change he makes in himself should be for himself. The by product is a more confident and happy demeanor, which is very attractive. Lets see if he will give us an update.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> He is a cuckold. And is content in his delusion. He feels he can stop her from doing this guy by changing himself. Self deception is a real problem for this one. He doesn't understand that any change he makes in himself should be for himself. The by product is a more confident and happy demeanor, which is very attractive. Lets see if he will give us an update.


You misunderstand me. I am making these changes for myself. I know what outcome I want to achieve for me and the relationship, however I am in control of only one of those situations.

Whatever the outcome, I want to be able to look back and know that I did my best to strengthen my marriage in a dignified, respectful and loving way.

I ask you please to stop giving me advice and commenting on my posts. For sure your wisdom helps others, but it sucks for me.


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## tofindme (Jun 1, 2009)

yesterday, I can relate to what you are saying, that you are making changes within you for you with the hopes that it will help with working on your relationship . Is that what you were trying to say? I also sense that no matter how your relationship turns out that you are working toward bettering yourself so the same mistakes do not happen again? I am not sure if this is what I am hearing from you or not? 
Hang in there and best of luck hun


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

tofindme said:


> yesterday, I can relate to what you are saying, that you are making changes within you for you with the hopes that it will help with working on your relationship . Is that what you were trying to say? I also sense that no matter how your relationship turns out that you are working toward bettering yourself so the same mistakes do not happen again? I am not sure if this is what I am hearing from you or not?
> Hang in there and best of luck hun


Yes, with hope being the key word. I know these changes will help me - they already have. I do not know if they will help my realtionship, but I do hope so.

To your second question, I am not thinking about this with future mistakes in mind per se. They will happen and some will be b/c of me and some will not. So its not all about prevention, but really learning how to best deal with mistakes effectively, which for me is all about how I think about the situation and choose to feel about it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Earlier you stated that I was free to post. Based on your response, it sounds like you have not had any success regarding stopping your wife from continuing the affair. I am sorry to hear that. You seem to be caught up in being right more then in being married. But that is your call. I will obey your request not to post here in the future, but in closing I will say that I hope other betrayed spouses will read your thread (as sparse as your information and postings are) and use it as an example of how NOT to deal with a wayward spouse if they should want to save their marriage. Best of luck.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> I will obey your request not to post here in the future, but in closing I will say that I hope other betrayed spouses will read your thread (as sparse as your information and postings are) and use it as an example of how NOT to deal with a wayward spouse if they should want to save their marriage. Best of luck.


Thank you for your understanding. And in the spirit of helping others through my experiences, I will give the following update.

I asked her to stop speaking with him entirely and forever and she agreed. She expressed deep remorse that she hurt me, said she did not mean to and it was a stupid mistake. However, she will not admit to an emotional affair, but did admit to lies of omission, unintentionally misrepresenting facts, etc.

Her therapist advised her that just because the relationship was secret does not make it an EA.

Our couples therapist, who is interested in making our marriage stronger (obviously) advised that we not delve deeply back in the past on this and not obsess the truth (which is subjective), rather could I find it to forgive my wife for what she has admitted. I decided that I can. I have forgiven her for what I know has happened and in doing so, put all the anger behind me so I can focus on the future, not the past. I would not forgive her however for having an EA because she is adamant that she did not, but my gut tells me there is more to the situation than she admitted (to herself and therefore to me).

We agreed the following: I heard her say that she did not have an EA. She heard me say I don't know for sure. I forgive her for what she did and I will not let my uncertainties about the EA affect my future relationship.

Should new info become available, and my uncertainties change to certainties, we will revisit the situation.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

yesterday said:


> I asked her to stop speaking with him entirely and forever and she agreed. She expressed deep remorse that she hurt me, said she did not mean to and it was a stupid mistake.


That's great to hear. 



yesterday said:


> However, she will not admit to an emotional affair, but did admit to lies of omission, unintentionally misrepresenting facts, etc.
> 
> Her therapist advised her that just because the relationship was secret does not make it an EA.


Technically, secret relationship does not necessarily mean EA if she was not feeling an emotional/romantic attachment to him. I suppose that since he was an ex, it could have been keeping an innocent friendship a secret so as not to upset you.

At this point, I guess knowing what was going through her head may not happen, but you seem very focused on moving forward from here, so as long as she remains sincere and does not keep in contact with him, your current focus on self-improvement and your marriage will likely yield great results...my best to you both.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I wonder if the marriage counselor would have the same opinion as her IC. I bet not.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

michzz said:


> I wonder if the marriage counselor would have the same opinion as her IC. I bet not.


Marriage counselor said an EA depends on how one defines "secret". We did not probe further...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Being completely invested in saving your marriage is admirable - as long as the investment is mutual, and you are fully aware of what you are trying to save.

Be open to the process - and it's inevitable drawbacks and frustrations, but protect yourself.


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