# Is he cheating???



## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I would appreciate anyone's opinion here, and maybe I can get a man's point of view.
I have been married for 19 years. We have had serious problems over the last few years which I won't go into just yet. I found out my husband had made a secret email account and signed on to an adult dating site. This happened a couple of times before I confronted him. He said he was just curious and had never returned to the sites a second time, (which I know to be true). We talked things out and he said he was wrong, apologized and said he would not do it again. He has recently done it again. I have not confronted him yet and it doesn't look like he went any farther than signing up. Should I confront him, should I be worried, could this mean he is cheating and possibly in other ways? This is very hurtful and disrespectful to me which I stressed to him before. I believe he may be doing this out of anger (due to our problems), however, if this is where his anger takes him, how much farther will it go? What should I do?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What are you doing to address the ongoing problems? If those can be dealt with, this issue may simply go away. He's angry and probably frustrated, and may be thinking of leaving, and looking at his options may be the first step. He may or may not have done more than take a look at some sites, but it may move beyond just looking if you don't find a way to resolve your marital problems.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Testing the waters at least for sure. Seeing whats available at the marketplace. Finding out whether he has met up with anyone is going to take some deeper investigation, and I dont know how you would go about it, but if I was happy at home, I wouldnt be on dating sites, or signing up for them. 
Confrontation has to include a decision on your part to do something about it if it appears that it will not change. 

I cant equate signing up on a dating site, with acting out in anger... dont put that weight on your shoulders... 

I think it is cause for concern, as loving grown men do not play these games, they fix their marriages.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Nobody here can tell you if he's cheating or not. He's not behaving in a way that's good for your marriage, though. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

Maybe I should clarify about the sites. This is not a matchmaking site to find love these are sites for people to meet (or just to chat) for sex. (more of a porn site, in a sense)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may not be cheating yet but he's obviously not totally committed to you and the marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I used "adult dating sites" to find an affair partner... Not proud of it, but there you go. 

On the other hand, I also used the same site to find my current SO after I left my marriage. Still together after almost. 3 years. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

wonderinggirl said:


> Maybe I should clarify about the sites. This is not a matchmaking site to find love these are sites for people to meet (or just to chat) for sex. (more of a porn site, in a sense)


There is a big difference between porn and dating sites.

Maybe clarification would help. But if this is something that you are not happy with then it is a problem that needs to be addressed.

What lead you to check out his online activity?


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I was that guy 6 years ago. Frankly, I wasn't interested in my wife. She was mean, controlling, treating me like a child, and not paying any attention to me as a man. I was not having an affair. Looking at those sites never resulted in me having one. I would have if the right person showed up. 2-3 years later, the right person showed up.

Cheating is always 100% on the cheater but if you confront the non-affair issues (probably best with a marriage counselor) before it happens, maybe YOU can prevent it. Ironic. Really, you can only stop it if he wants it to stop. So what would make him want to stop? I am sure there are a million books out there but I would think a marriage counselor to help with non-affair problems would be much easier than putting the cat back in the bag (if the possible affair is a cat who is still in a bag).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You have a serious problem with your husband; particularly since you've already confronted him once and he continued.

Your first order of business is for him to STOP; and since this is a repeat situation - you need to give him a consequence. Whether he has physically cheated or not, he's trying to.

You should demand complete transparency, accountability for his time away from you and his agreement to MC. Let him know in no uncertain terms, that you will divorce him if this ever happens again. And mean it. 

Keep monitoring him covertly. You can get a lot of advice here.

Once you are reasonably satisfied that he has stopped - then you can start working on the marital issues.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Let me tell you...you are dead wrong if you think this is "more of a porn site". My H tried all the same lines when I found him doing the same. DONT BUY IT.

When he says he was "just looking" believe him. He is looking for a sexual partner outside of the marriage. I can't tell you if he's acted on it or not, but I can tell you the internet is full of "porn".

If you can MEET or CHAT with the person? That's not porn. If he was into porn? You would have found porn sites. If he's into cybersex, then you're going to find live cam interactive sites. If he's into escorts? You'll find escort sites. If he's into meeting new sex partners? Your going to find adult dating sites.

And yes, I do understand acting out of anger. It all came out years later that my H had always resented me for dating before we were married. He nursed this grudge for years and used it as an excuse to justify all manner of betrayals.

Don't take it from him that his anger is the reason he's acting out in this way. Everyone has a choice when faced with marital problems. He could have addressed the anger issue in many ways. He chose to lie and go behind your back.

In an answer to your question? YES HE IS CHEATING.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would take the approach that he is longing for the fulfillment and companionship of a woman. And you darn well better give him what he needs or yes, he will cheat. He's closer to it than you want him to be, but if you have a lousy marriage and he is not happy with what he is getting from you, the risk of cheating was already there. This would be opposed to the strategy of waiting for him to start giving you what you need. If you describe the problems you are having, I think you would get alot of help.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I would take the approach that he is longing for the fulfillment and companionship of a woman. And you darn well better give him what he needs or yes, he will cheat. He's closer to it than you want him to be, but if you have a lousy marriage and he is not happy with what he is getting from you, the risk of cheating was already there. This would be opposed to the strategy of waiting for him to start giving you what you need. If you describe the problems you are having, I think you would get alot of help.


I don't think this advice takes into account that when a wife finds out her H is checking out other women's goods that she even wants to "better well give him what he needs".

So you are saying if a man finds out his wife is signing up for adult dating sites that he should just give her more sex and affection and all will be fixed? I don't think so......sorry.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> So you are saying if a man finds out his wife is signing up for adult dating sites that he should just give her more sex and affection and all will be fixed? I don't think so......sorry.


Of course not. Men are not women. A woman signing up for a dating site is very different than a man signing up for a dating site.

A man not getting his needs met will resort to few predictable options, some better than others.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

People have to make choices. If one wants marriage, they have to do certain things. If one wants a happy marraige, they have to do certain things. Mainly a person should focus on what they can do, rather than focusing on what their spouse doesn't do while waiting for their spouse to change.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I don't think this advice takes into account that when a wife finds out her H is checking out other women's goods that she even wants to "better well give him what he needs".
> 
> So you are saying if a man finds out his wife is signing up for adult dating sites that he should just give her more sex and affection and all will be fixed? I don't think so......sorry.


I took it as a huge flag is being waved that the marriage is in crisis. H is looking for a band aid but there is probably a gaping wound that needs work. Only the wife can decide if she can approach him and work together to create change that for good. First she has to figure out what's up. He's thrown up a flag she shouldn't ignore. Is it her fault? No. But she is going to pay the price either way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I don't think this advice takes into account that when a wife finds out her H is checking out other women's goods that she even wants to "better well give him what he needs".
> 
> So you are saying if a man finds out his wife is signing up for adult dating sites that he should just give her more sex and affection and all will be fixed? I don't think so......sorry.


Considering my SO used the same adult dating site prior to her separation to find affair partners because her and her husband hadn't had sex in over two years, I'd say that yes, sometimes more sex and affection is the solution. 

In any case, the issue is both partners listening to the other partner's needs, and then trying to fill those needs to the best of their abilities. It might be intimacy, it might be quality time, who knows. But if you don't meet your partner's needs, either they'll look outside the marriage to have them met, or they'll stay and be frustrated, and vulnerable to someone else meeting those needs unintentionally. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I am a wife to him in EVERY way. With all of our problems, we have both hurt each other and both take responsibility for it. 
As far as monitoring him all I can do is keep a check on his "secret" email which he doesnt know I know about and the websites. He keeps the history on his computer erased and he works out of town. (gone 3-4 days a week). 
We have agreed that we both want the marriage and will do whatever it takes to make it work, but this looks like he isnt doing his part. If he loves me like he says and wants this marriage why is he taking a chance on losing it?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

wonderinggirl said:


> I am a wife to him in EVERY way. With all of our problems, we have both hurt each other and both take responsibility for it.
> As far as monitoring him all I can do is keep a check on his "secret" email which he doesnt know I know about and the websites. He keeps the history on his computer erased and he works out of town. (gone 3-4 days a week).
> We have agreed that we both want the marriage and will do whatever it takes to make it work, but this looks like he isnt doing his part. If he loves me like he says and wants this marriage why is he taking a chance on losing it?


Out of town that much is another issue. He has ample opportunity to cheat. 

There are some people who are unhappy in marriage and decide to cheat. And others who cheat for the thrill, variety...

You need to figure out what's going on. I'd start learning all I could about figuring out what you are dealing with. I wouldn't have unprotected sex with him.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> I wouldn't have unprotected sex with him.


If you do this and it is a change to your normal behavior, explaining why could be quite eye opening to him ("honey, you are trolling sites that enable promiscuity. I can't trust that you have been faithful. I don't know if you have an STD."); not to mention giving him motivation to be transparent and work on the issues that are pushing him to make bad decisions.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Gone up to four days a week, secret email, has an account for hook ups and sex chats. You confronted him and he is still doing it. Not good.

Look I have a secret account and I have looked at various sites, Never for hook ups. Never chatted. I got my secret account to check on my wife but never used it. I check it from time to time and get all kinds of porn stuff and I just send it to the spam file.

What is over the top with your H is that he has an account and it is active where he can hook up or chat with live people.

Keep monitoring this. If you confront with what you know he could open a new account and you will be blind.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

wonderinggirl said:


> I am a wife to him in EVERY way. With all of our problems, we have both hurt each other and both take responsibility for it.
> As far as monitoring him all I can do is keep a check on his "secret" email which he doesnt know I know about and the websites. He keeps the history on his computer erased and he works out of town. (gone 3-4 days a week).
> We have agreed that we both want the marriage and will do whatever it takes to make it work, but this looks like he isnt doing his part. If he loves me like he says and wants this marriage why is he taking a chance on losing it?


If he is getting he needs met by you his wife, and he is then trolling dating sites, then he is a bum. And you can't fix it.

What are his emotional needs, anyway?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couples Counselling might be beneficial. There are issues that must be addressed.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

wonderinggirl said:


> I am a wife to him in EVERY way. With all of our problems, we have both hurt each other and both take responsibility for it.
> As far as monitoring him all I can do is keep a check on his "secret" email which he doesnt know I know about and the websites. He keeps the history on his computer erased and he works out of town. (gone 3-4 days a week).
> We have agreed that we both want the marriage and will do whatever it takes to make it work, but this looks like he isnt doing his part. If he loves me like he says and wants this marriage why is he taking a chance on losing it?


However you look at it, hes being very deceitful. You have caught him once on this site, you have confronted him, he said hes not going to do it again but he has, so also lied to you too.

He bloody well is disrespecting you. Hes on a dating site, and he should not be on it, hes not single, hes with you.

Also with this going on your hubby is out of town 3-4 days, so he has every opportunity to cheat, not saying he is, but he could be, and what with him away, and you finding out hes on dating sites, what happens if he could be meeting somebody.?? How do you know hes being faithful while hes away???.

This would be a worry for me.

I agree with you by saying hes not doing his part.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

There needs to be some more explanation here really in order to give you better advice. Have both of you cheated already? Is there sex between you? 

I believe, from what little you say, he is looking with intent. You don't have a secret email account, sign up for f*ck buddy, other than to actually find one. He is out of town regularly and therefore it is easy. 

You can get into his 'dating' sites accounts if necessary, if push comes to shove. You could possible get into them easily without him knowing anyway by using the same password for his secret email? Then you can find what he is actually seeking, asking, how much he is in on this.

Don't confront until you are well and ready for it...i.e. when you have full evidence and are ready for what follows.

When you are ready to confront, if you haven't accessed his sex sites, the thing to do then is, when you know he is not trawling them, change the password on his email, and do a recover/change password on all his sex sites. Then you get to see his full activity. 

Warning: do not do this til you are ready to hit him with all you have and are prepared to give him full consequences. DON'T do this unless you are at the point that you would welcome divorce. Because otherwise, he will know how you got his email, he can set up other emails, use other means, and he will go totally underground and make it impossible for you to discover anything at all after that.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I have the password to the sites and am checking regularly. What confuses me is that he cant do anything, (chat or get any information on anyone) unless he upgrades and pays for it. He hasnt done that. All he has done is check a few of the emails which just take him to the website. Then it's the same thing...nothing unless he upgrades. In this case, it looks as though he hasn't done anything (yet). so, why would he even bother with this?
Not sure what he is thinking, but it does hurt!


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

wonderinggirl said:


> I have the password to the sites and am checking regularly. What confuses me is that he cant do anything, (chat or get any information on anyone) unless he upgrades and pays for it. He hasnt done that. All he has done is check a few of the emails which just take him to the website. Then it's the same thing...nothing unless he upgrades. In this case, it looks as though he hasn't done anything (yet). so, why would he even bother with this?
> Not sure what he is thinking, but it does hurt!


Google works wonders....if the site lets him see the username of people "for free", he can search for those usernames. It isn't a 100% guaranteed thing, but people frequently use the same username on Messenger, Yahoo, Facebook, or Linkedin as they do on those sites. You said you don't know what he is thinking...this is one possibility. 

As a side note, If you know the login he created...I would do some creative googling (search for variations too). Search google for his "secret" email account as well.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

Ok, I haven't noticed any more activity on these sites or the secret email. (I have the password to both and check them frequently) If he is chatting or emailing, I don't know about it and have no evidence of it. My question now is should I confront him or let it go. Should I just keep watching? If I should confront, when and how do I do it? 
He uses the same password and he has no idea I know it, so if I do confront, my fear is that if he does anything else he will come up with another password and I will be in the dark. (got lucky and just stumbled upon this one)
How do I do this? Please help!!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

wonderinggirl said:


> Ok, I haven't noticed any more activity on these sites or the secret email. (I have the password to both and check them frequently) If he is chatting or emailing, I don't know about it and have no evidence of it. My question now is should I confront him or let it go. Should I just keep watching? If I should confront, when and how do I do it?
> He uses the same password and he has no idea I know it, so if I do confront, my fear is that if he does anything else he will come up with another password and I will be in the dark. (got lucky and just stumbled upon this one)
> How do I do this? Please help!!


Okay, now that I know a little more about your situation, I'll suggest this.

You've already confronted him once about this. He continued, but not to the point you are comfortable in confronting him again. You don't want to lose your stealth advantage. I can understand that. 

So, don't confront him now. Step up your monitoring for a few weeks and wait for your smoking gun. But if he continues to look at these sights and you can't find that smoking gun, confront him anyway. Don't wait too long; because he needs a consequence for doing this a second time.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Yep. He's cheating.


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

ok I just found out he has signed onto another site (same type). He is using someone elses name to do this. The only proof I have that this is him, is that I know the password and am able to log into the account. Is this something I could use to present to an attorney? He will say it is not him, and he is a pro at manipulation and lies. He is very convincing to anyone. Is there anything I can do, is this considered proof of adultery?
What should I do now?


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