# Married to a Narcissist who continues bad behavior



## whatisheupto? (Mar 5, 2014)

Unfortunately, I am not new to this site. I posted on here last spring about discovering my husband's supposed EA with our personal banker ( I am not sure it wasn't physical, I just don't have the proof and he won't admit it). Long story short, even after I uncovered it and confronted him, I stayed because I didn't want to turn our kids lives upside down. Let me repeat that for all of you who want to say "JUST LEAVE HIM" - I stayed because I didn't want to turn our kids lives upside down. If we had no kids I am CERTAIN I would have left him by now - but kids change everything. Anyway, I am back on here now because I just need some support. I feel like I have let him get away with it because he has pretty much refused to talk about it any more. We went to a 2 day marriage counseling center out of state and he acted like a complete jackass the whole time. So that was a complete waste of money. He thinks I have forgiven him, because all is back to normal between us. Sex usually at least twice a week, clothes washed, breakfast and dinner cooked, etc. so we are the vision of the perfect family to those on the outside. Problem is I simply don't trust him anymore. He had multiple EA's 2+ years ago, I caught him, forgave him, and then he did it again last December (with the banker chick). I honestly believe he is still in contact with her but I can't prove it because he is very careful to communicate with her on his phone and then delete it so I can't see it (i.e Facebook, instagram, Hangouts etc.) He is smart enough not to text her because that was easy for me to uncover the first time around. I am just so weary of this situation. I have everything a woman could want - we are financially well off, 2 healthy intelligent kids with no "issues", a nice house, car, etc. So I think to myself, "most people would KILL to be where you're at right now - do you really want to walk away from all this?". Not having to worry about money is nice, but will not be so nice if we divorce. But if I am pretty sure he is continuing his shenanigans, what do I do? Do I confront him again with no proof only to be told I am being paranoid? He wants me to just "sit down and shut up". He wants me to just look the other way. He feels entitled to do whatever he wants because he has provided such a stable material life for me and the kids. Which brings me to the narcissist issue. My therapist and I believe very strongly that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - hence his feelings of entitlement/feeling that the rules of marriage do not apply to him/refusal to get counseling because he does not think anything is wrong with him, etc. Just need some support from y'all...start snooping more? Leave well enough alone and just deal with what God has given me? I forgave him once and he did it again. Do I keep forgiving him and hope he will see that he is ruining our marriage one day? I just don't know what to do anymore....I know I don't feel the same about him as I once did. I don't trust him and he does not even seem to care. Go ahead and let me have it folks - I'll take the tough talk with the reassuring supportive talk - have at it. Maybe it will wake me up.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

whatisheupto? said:


> He had multiple EA's 2+ years ago, I caught him, forgave him, and then he did it again last December (with the banker chick). I honestly believe he is still in contact with her QUOTE]
> 
> He is a serial cheater.
> 
> ...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well of course he's acting like he is entitled to behave in such a deplorable manner.
He has in the past. You discovered it. You confronted him.
AND THERE WERE NO CONSEQUENCES.
You are giving him no reason to stop.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Please forgive the previous tough talk, now the support...
You are not alone. Many of us have gone through the same thing and had to learn it the hard way. You'll wake up and do just fine. 

Try to process our advise and best wishes to you. Sorry for what you're going through.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There's no need to monitor him if you're taking divorce off the table. When you catch him again, nothing will change. He's a serial cheater and he knows you won't leave. He has no incentive to change as long as you continue to accept his non-transparency and his non-remorse.

Your decision simply boils down to lifestyle vs. self-respect. If you choose the former just be aware of the emotional and psychological toll on you.

A couple of other comments:

It's unlikely that all these EA's weren't PA's. Men typically don't fool around with multiple EA's without sex.

If he truly is a narcissist, and I wouldn't doubt it; it's very possible if not likely, that you are a co-dependent. That's a typical pairing for a narcissist. I would strongly recommend you get IC to explore that.

All that said, I'm sorry you're here; again.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Right now you seem to be stuck in a cycle where you keep monitoring him, catching him, throwing a fit, taking him back, things simmer down for a while, then you start monitoring again. It's simply a perpetual cycle of high drama that is damaging to your, and will eventually be damaging to your children's, mental health and emotional development.

If you want to stay at least accept what you're actually dealing with. The drama cycle needs to stop. He's an unrepentant serial cheater. He will never, ever, stop. That is reality. Now, if you choose to stay, you are going to have to find a way to be okay with that reality. Which will mean that you don't monitor him, don't worry about what he's up to, don't confront him with anything you find out. Because choosing to stay means choosing to accept that, yes, he's cheating and, no, he isn't going to stop. So don't expect anything different. Continually being destroyed over and over by the fundamental reality of his character is simply going to make life more painful for you than it needs to be. If you stay, you have to not allow yourself to be destroyed by who he is and what he does. You have to reach a point where you aren't upset with the lion for eating the baby deer - it's a lion, that's what they do. Your husband is a serial cheater, he cheats, it's what he does.

Bottom line, your husband is unlikely to make permanent changes to his character such that he will be faithful to you. If you can accept that, know what you're getting, and can find a way to be okay with that without it destroying your soul, then mazel tov. If you're expecting him to change, you'll spend the rest of your life fighting reality as the stress of it slowly kills you. If you want a faithful husband, you're going to have divorce and find that with another man. This one's broken.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Sorry your WH just doesn't get it or care. I'm in a similar boat except my WW's EA turned PA. I like you didn't divorce after the dust settled only due to the kids. Our youngest had an emotional meltdown when things got bad and I couldn't put him through the pain of splitting up our family. He was in his early teens then so I decided to gut it out until he goes to college. He may still have a hard time then but at least will be emotionally better able to handle it.

My WW may have the disorder you speak of or some form of narcissism. She refused to go to MC because she knows all the crap she's put me through would be brought out and she doesn't want to face the truth. So I understand where you are coming from. If divorce isn't an option then my advise is to focus on your kids. Your WH doesn't deserve your attention so focus on the kids. Maybe that will be a wake up call for him. Doubtful, but to continue on as if nothing happened especially when he shows little to no remorse over what he did may only encourage him to cheat and disrespect you. It will take a lot of inner strength and grace on your part. You will likely need IC to help cope. You don't have to be mean but neither should you reward his behavior.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

So, exposing your kids to an unhappy marriage is the right thing to do for the kids? Not standing up for principle?

What about exposing him far and wide to family, friends, the banks HR department (affairs EA/PA are probably a policy issue with banks... Exposure breaks daylight on him. Cheaters hate the light of day. Let it shine brightly on him. Presented properly, Your family and friends should help support you and start on him too.

Bad behavior has Consequences.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I say let it go and move on with your life and live as "roommates", as that is what you seem to want and the only answer that you will really accept. Kids do change things, this I do know, but only in the sense that other lives are now affected as well. 

If you are not willing to leave as you want to remain for the kids, then what good is snooping going to do (above everything else you are doing in counseling which he won't take part in, and bowing to his demands and orders)? All it is going to do is to possibly verify and solidify what you suspect, but since you are not willing to change your situation and he not change his, do you think this proof will change anything?? I say no, so maybe it is better to just pull away and live as "roommates" solely and cut out your catering of him (no more sex, cleaning, meals, etc), essentially the 180, and he will definitely get the idea. Also if he was involved with the banker and you have the proof, I would bring it up to the bank so they know the inappropriateness of their employees actions with their clients, which show be a major taboo in the financial sector. That would at least show that you are not willing to just take everything he is dishing out, as you seem to have been doing.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If you really want the marriage to work then you have limited options. The best I can think of is a 2x4 placed squarely between the eyes with significant force. The 2x4, in this case, is filing for D. You don't actually have to go through with it but the realization that you could and would might be the spanking this spoiled brat needs. Also, do not discount the financial aspect of D. You would be looking at child support and possible alimony depending on your situation. You would probably get the house too. It would be a wake up call for him at least. And if he reacts too badly you could go through with it and move on to an appreciative man who did grow up. Gather your intel and when it's enough, contact an attorney and file. You'll never "nice" him out of this behavior, sorry. And the chance that he will "wake up" someday and see how he is hurting his family is about the same as winning the lottery. Slim and none.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Let me add there are others on the board that have specifically dealt with NPD spouses and they would clearly be in a better position to offer you some suggestions.
But most NPDs deny they have a problem and refuse the type of intensive counseling that could help.
Leaving you with staying and finding a way to come to terms with it. or leave the relationship-something you stated you are not interested in doing.
I am sorry about this.
My ex was also a serial cheater, and not really a NPD, but he had other issues.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If you can't leave him and he won't stop cheating on you, I think exposing him to the world is the only chance you'll have of snapping him out of his unfaithful habits.

Start getting and saving the concrete proof of what he's doing. When you've got enough evidence, expose his cheating to family and friends.

If you get the name(s) of the OW(s), find out if they have a BF/Husband and inform them of what their wife/GF has been doing.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

whatisheupto? said:


> I stayed because I didn't want to turn our kids lives upside down. Let me repeat that for all of you who want to say "JUST LEAVE HIM" - I stayed because I didn't want to turn our kids lives upside down. If we had no kids I am CERTAIN I would have left him by now - but kids change everything.


Lots of people get divorced even though they have kids.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Lots of people get divorced even though they have kids.


Yes, but usually as a last resort of intolerable living. Also, a lot of people R because they have kids.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Let him cheat on someone else. You deserve better. The future - he will continue until some disease makes his toy fall off. Then he'll stay home. 

Don't get an STD from this creature who used to be responsible.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

whatisheupto, 

I can boil this down to two choices:

1) You make the choice to do nothing different, he continues cheating, and life stays somewhat "comfortable." You accept this is your choice and learn to find some joy where you are in life 

-OR-

2) You make the choice to do things differently, he continues cheating, and life becomes less comfortable for both him and you. You accept this is your choice and learn to find some joy in the new things you are doing differently. 

See, the only person you can control is YOU...not him. Nothing we say or do to you here on TAM is going to make him stop cheating, especially if he is determined to continue. The ONLY person you can change here is you. So you get to choose between staying comfortable and keeping the cheating...or losing the cheating and also losing some of the comfortable lifestyle. Which do you pick? 

I know--you'd rather have the comfortable lifestyle AND the faithful spouse, but that is not reality. Reality is that you are married to a man who is unfaithful and intends to continue to be an unfaithful person. So, you get to pick. 

If you pick to stay with the comfortable lifestyle, though, do not say it is "for your kids." Your kids need to see what HONESTY looks like. They need to see what a healthy marriage looks like. They need to see how mature adults treat each other. They need to see adults who work on themselves and change to become better men and women. What they are learning now is that it is "normal" for adults to be dishonest, unfaithful, unhealthy, and in denial as long as the money is good. 

So let's start with your choice, and it is YOU choosing... not "for the kids." Stop avoiding personal responsibility. Stop denying what isn't reality. And I don't mean this mean, but if your choice is to stay due to the comfortable lifestyle, that's fine--that is YOUR choice. You are absolutely allowed to make that decision for yourself. Just be honest with yourself and with us: you have decided to stay because you like the comfortable life. Nothing wrong with that. 

Once you're honest with yourself and with us, we can help you figure out ways to find joy in what you have chosen. You will NOT have a faithful husband--that just will not happen with this man. But if you can accept that, then we can help you figure out how to be a fairly happy roommate and find joy in your life in areas other than your marriage. 

In summary--make your choice and take personal responsibility for what you choose to do.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Don’t use the ‘I stayed because of the kids’ card again. You played it once with no consequences and saw what that got you - can’t use it twice. If he’s NPD, also possibility he’s a BPD – bad combo, leads to a horrible rough life. Most likely he’s involved in a PA, maybe multiplePAs if he’s entitled as much as you say. So you have 2 choices, leave now and make him pay, or put up with it and wait until the kids are out of the house and then leave him – life will be hell when its just the 2 of you. How old are you and the kids? I would start investigating and evidence gathering so you have the facts. Mouth shut, don’t confront, VAR, spyware etc so you know what you are dealing with. I had a BPD/NPD once and I feel for you, it was not fun. The fact is they never change…


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

What happens when he eventually falls in love with one of his affair partners and abruptly leaves? 

What will you say if your daughter follows precisely in your footsteps? Kids pick up on much more than we realize and very often mirror their parents' marriages. What will you do if your son imitates your husband's behavior? 

Just some food for thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP...

You have gotten great advice here... all of this spot-on advice would have cost you dozens of hours and thousands of dollars in counseling.

The way I see it, it's time to pack up, move along. If you aren't willing to do that, then accept that you are married to a serial cheater and stop lamenting over it.

Can you continue to live a lie? Or do you want to live your life (and model to your children) a life led in truth, integrity and honesty?

Only you can decide...


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

I am in a similar boat so I know how you feel. I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that you are not alone.

I will tell you what I do. I try to find Joy in all the little things and write poetry about that. Makes me feel better.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

If your therapist and you believe he has Narcissistic personality disorder.. then you know this too. There is NO CURE!! It is very unlikely that without intense, extensive therapy he will ever change. I should know.. I also lived with this - I divorced my husband though. It is abusive the behavior and attitudes they deal out. You have to be willing to walk away from him and your marriage in order to save it. 

If you tell him you are divorcing him because of x,y,z and he loves and care for you.. He should and will jump through major hoops- including therapy to try to save his marriage. If he doesn't, and you end up getting divorced.. trust me - you are better off. And you know who else are? your children... because a narcissist cannot be a good parent. They care too much and only about themselves.

Please visit this website for narcissistic abuse an recovery before you become an empty shell of a woman.

http://letmereach.com/


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## MrsStudMuffin (May 11, 2014)

Take a lover. I suggest an Austrailian.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

By staying, all you're doing is ensuring that your kids will grow up to either marry a cheater or BE a cheater. That should make you proud, huh? Kids BECOME their parents. They can't help it.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I appreciate your dilemma. Virtual hugs. Diagnosing someone not present is wasted time and money and probably worse. Divorce usually involves some set back in financial standing and quality of life, measured by material things. It's usually also running through the ringer emotionally and in every other respect unless there is a big wealth cushion. Lots of crying into your Chardonnay and all. What do you want to do? He's your husband. Can you have a come to Jesus conversation? You are here and that means you are hurt. What are the odds on PA? Is this just too much coziness with female acquaintances. Not a small thing, but how do you get to addressing the problem and upset? Can you guys talk? Can you say this is really distressing can we fix it? If it's PA and not just your husband being an oblivious jerk, then a bigger problem. Can you sit him down?


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