# depressed: WHY HE WONT love me



## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

the last thread i started was very helpful. i am sure that everyone gets dicrouraged sometimes and that there is almost always regression where you just go forward and then take steps backwards too, but.... 

hopefully you read my other thread labeled why wont he love me? well i found out. my husband john finally communicated very clearly. so this is why he wont love me:

he told me i have been smothering him. well okay. i can fix that part. easy. but let me back up here and explain why it hurts so bad to know that....

i have always had a short temper. i get upset easy. im a very emotional person. well last night i have felt stressed because john got a new uniform for work and i have to hem it. in my last thread we talked about me getting a hobby or learning something new to help my self esteem. well i taught myself how to sew a few years ago. it was a struggle, but im very good at it. im maybe moderatly skilled. but i loved that john needed me to do something he couldnt. so i tried to do it and i wanted to do a blind hem. well i have made pants and hemmed them before but i was having a hard time. i know that he kept offering to help- but i wanted to do it. i broke down crying cause i just couldt think. i couldnt figure it out. then he told me not to worry about it tonight and that he would get his aunt to do it!! if that isnt an insult i dont know what is! its not that he was trying to hurt me but that was a blow to my ego and self esteem like no other and at the worst time possible!

so i got upset and told him why i was so sad. he ddidnt understand what i meant. i had to tell him about this forum and the advise i got for him to totally get it. i told him that i felt he despised me becuase he always gets annoyed with me when im trying to be nice. so he told me that each time i said "despise" (he rolls his eyes a lot at me) and whe i explained that i wanted to be better becuase i didnt feel loved so i would love myself first.... well he said that in his head it wasnt the word despise that was describing how he felt when he did that-the word was smothered.

then he said that its better with this new job because he cant use the phone for 8-16 hours a day and felt less smotherd. with his wold job he was on the phone with me a lot. he hasnt been at that job for a while. i asked him how long he felt that way and he finally admitted to about a YEAR!!!

i said well if its been better you say then why were you still like this and worse up untill i started getting advicew on the forum? and he told me he doesnt know. i asked him if maybe my attitude change is what made him want to meet my needs. and realy he only met my needs one night, and the rest was just really good love making.... and he said essentially that no, he just felt different that night. 

the bottom line is- (in his mind) when we were first married i was different and so was he. he told me i was more depressed and didnt talk as much. i blew up at anything and everything. back then i felt more loved. i felt that he was able to look me in the eye without cringing or rolling his eyes. that he smiled at me and said i love you meaningfully ect... well he aggrees to that but said that people change. 

what i didnt understand was that i have changed for the better-working on our marriage, making dates for us, lvoing him, taking care of him, being sweet, ect... and how the more i do that, the worse he gets. i cant believe he kept this from me for a year. he didnt tell me for fear of me getting upset. well i didnt yell at himn or get mad. but the truth hurts. he cant handle my emotions. but how can i fix the problem when he wont tell me you know? i made it worse. i asked him- i said "if the better i get and the worse you get- and the other night was a coincedence and not a reason why you were different- am i ever going to get what i need from you? and he said i dont know. im different. you were. so he wantes me to be depressed so i wont talk as much? thats what makes him happy? and no matter if i give him more space or be sweet to him or the opposite- he continues to change for the worse- so when am i good enough for him? he wont accept that im a happier person than back then, and that i love him more and will try for him but i have to accept that no matter what i do i will never feel loved again?

i cried for about an hour and he finally looked sorry, but then again i know that every time i think he cares about me he changes to what he was again. he tried to cuddle me and stuff, but it didnt work this time. once he was asleep all i could think was that i couldnt sleep with him if he felt i was smothering him and slept on the couch. this morning he found me and looked really sad becuase no matter how hard it gets for us-- we never go that far. i just feel like now that im depressed he is nice to me again. so is that how its gonna be? he just wanted to have an unhappy wife to make him happy? i just feel like curling up under the covers and ignoring m y kids and life and everything and never comming out again for the rest of my life!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You need to read your above post over and over again until you can see the flawed logic in much of what you say. For instance:



> so is that how its gonna be? he just wanted to have an unhappy wife to make him happy?


You know that's nonsense right?

The other thing that comes across is that you tired my tactics for 3 days, but you have gone back to being dependant on him. It was a big mistake to tell him about this forum so soon. What happened to the mystery woman? 

Still, men are just dumb enough that if you get back on track he will probably let you get away with it 

The sofa sleeping was not such a bad thing. It shows him you can do without him. Remember, no more gifts until xmas.


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

i can keep trying i guess. it so hard though. sometimes when he leaves for work i just dread him comming home. its like preparing for a speach or awaiting a test. wondering if i can do it and how to not slip like last night. trust me i wont gift him anything for a while. it felt nice to sleep on the couch too. like i didnt have to feel upset that he decided to sleep facing the other direction or something. its hard to be mysterious. geez. somtimes is despise him too


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Maybe you could try the couch again, and let him woo you back to bed. 'Could be playing with fire though. If he knows this website, and is reading all the posts, it certainly ain't going to work!


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

you must feel so annoyed with me. everyone must. im super happy one second like its working so well and the next i go back. i didnt mention that its a bad time of the month for me. happens every month. anyways, im sorry i keep bouncing back and fourth.


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

oh i didnt tell him which website. maybe i could erase the history though.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

defeated said:


> you must feel so annoyed with me. everyone must. im super happy one second like its working so well and the next i go back. i didnt mention that its a bad time of the month for me. happens every month. anyways, im sorry i keep bouncing back and fourth.


I love women  If not, I would have married a bloke.


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

im sure i will do this again...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

defeated said:


> im sure i will do this again...


As my wife was saying to me, he might improve for a while and then there could be a backlash as he tries to force you back to the "old" you. At that point you need to stand firm in the new you.


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

yeah today he was upset with the new me. well i will keep persisting


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

You keep going, keep going, and going, and going


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