# AP methodology on how to destroy a marriage



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I as just thinking about how my ex-wife's AP assisted her in dismantling our marriage...
1) Gain trust
2) Push the sexual boundaries a little at a time..(starting with flirting then inappropriate comments then...
3) Sympathize with spouse when she starts to talk about unhappiness in her marriage.
4) Demonize the unsuspecting spouse who is at home.
5) start painting picture of how much better her life could be without spouse - telling her she deserves so much more.
6) then unite with her on other issues so they feel like a team.
7) then start suggesting they talk outside work.
8) then keep pushing boundaries,

anyone add to the list?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The only issue I have with your list is that it seems to indicate a person seducing an innocent victim. 

Betrayers betray because they want to. Not necessarily that they are trolling hard for a lover, but still they are wide open to the idea as anywhere along the way prior to step #1 and moving down the list all they have to do is say "no". 

Say "no", I respect myself. 

Say "no" I respect my marital vows.

Say "no" I respect my spouse.

Say "no" it is wrong.

Say "no" I respect or even love my children.

Say "no" I respect our family.

But they don't. With eyes wide open they go head long into the betrayal. They are adults and know full well what they are doing. But they do it anyway to satisfy their lusts.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

All you say is fine, OP.

Why would a spouse let someone so close in? Lack of boundaries, lack of respect for marital vows, lack of integrity.

This is the beginning and end. The moment a spouse confides in some one other than the spouse, marriage is already in for a backward slide.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

According to another poster on TAM - Part of the method is being "...an emotional puddle of p (or for unfaithful wives - c) water." In retrospect, my WH was seeking out women who were emotionally vulnerable, poured on sympathy for show to his other coworkers or family, did something that could translate him as super caring. In the meantime, behind closed doors I am left to the care of the four walls, struggling to meet my own emotional needs. Family see him as the attentive H but when we are home its a different story. They read the countenance on my face as a measure of me instead of him. It was a wonderful play on a stage until we had to go home. He told me his 8 year friendship with OW was superficial but it seems our 13 year marriage was THE superficial. In my case the AP told my husband that I "wrongfully accuse him of infidelity" because I "have another man".


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Similar to my case--very similar- at work EVERYONE thought she was great and I used to think if she would only put in half as much effort at home as she did at work we would have a great marriage..


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> According to another poster on TAM - Part of the method is being "...an emotional puddle of p (or for unfaithful wives - c) water." In retrospect, my WH was seeking out women who were emotionally vulnerable, poured on sympathy for show to his other coworkers or family, did something that could translate him as super caring. In the meantime, behind closed doors I am left to the care of the four walls, struggling to meet my own emotional needs. Family see him as the attentive H but when we are home its a different story. They read the countenance on my face as a measure of me instead of him. It was a wonderful play on a stage until we had to go home. He told me his 8 year friendship with OW was superficial but it seems our 13 year marriage was THE superficial. In my case the AP told my husband that I "wrongfully accuse him of infidelity" because I "have another man".


Oh, I feel your agony, RRT.
My wife told me that I had other women, just out of nowhere. From there started my questioning and further hell of my life.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> According to another poster on TAM - Part of the method is being "...an emotional puddle of p (or for unfaithful wives - c) water."


I remember writing that line. I didn't expect it to carry the weight it did, but I meant it. My wife's OM always made sure to be weak, emotionally, just like my W is. This was a way for her to relate to him, "see, he GETS it."


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## buladscot (Jan 8, 2013)

It was a wonderful play on a stage until we had to go home.


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> I as just thinking about how my ex-wife's AP assisted her in dismantling our marriage...
> ...
> 
> anyone add to the list?


See
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html#post621722
about escalation in affairs.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I think you are giving them too much credit......

It starts with “I’m attracted to her (or him)”. Everything after that is the method to see how they feel about them and explore the extent of those feelings. And I hate to tell you this; Your spouse operated the same way.

Some move fast, others move slow.


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