# Whos Life Is It Anyway? - Doing all I can.



## Chevellery (Aug 20, 2014)

My GF and I have been together for 4 years now. We are both divorced, mine a clean break, hers not so much. She has two great girls that I do adore as if they were my own. Thier father is a violently disturbed drug addict and survives by selling drugs. Him and his mother have been manipulative towards my GF, using the kids as emotional pawns. 

Thats the short of it. My GF has little self esteem, she lets these people bully her around and intrude into our life, with harassing phone calls and text messaging.

After the druggy daddy neglected the girls, causing injury and hospital visits, I got involved. I am doing my damdest to get her to put her foot down and stop thiss madness so she and the girls can have a safe and sane life. But she is always worried that the girls will hate her for taking thier father and grandmother from the picture. 

I have been tolerating this frustration for years now. She is either scared or apathetic to do anything about his. He is a deadbeat and does not care for his kids. He does not have a job and lives in a drug dealers house for free. He is spiteful, nasty and manipulating to my GF and him and his mother are constantly using the childrens emotions against her.

I finally paid for an attorney for her to help her, hoping this was the push that she needs, but the harsh reality is that she is not on the same page as me. I want her to stand up for herself and get this loser from her life so we can move on and live happy. She does nto do anything unless I am constantly reminding her or instructing her and I hate that. She tells me that she has thyroid problems and needs me to help her, but then she wont even hep herself.

I am between a rock and a hard place. I love her, but I want off this crazy ride. I feel for her, but am sick of the constant barrage of drama. It is affecting my job and my health. I have told her a few times how I feel, she just sits there and cries. 

She has let down her mother and father, who also tried to help her and pleaded with her to stop allowing her ex and his mother ruin her life. I promised her mother on her death bed that I would be there by her daughters side. Now I feel like a turd for wanting to get out of this. I cannot fight her battles for her is we are not fighting together. I told my GF this: "I keep fighting your dragons and you keep letting them back into our castle!"

Her life was sh*t before we met. He left her with the kids and the bills. We have a happy nice home now. I dont know how to live with myself if I let her go. I know she will fall into despair. I have set a timeline for myself and then I know it's time for me to go. I want this to work, but ....

I dont know what to do....sorry for long rant.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The White Knight Syndrome | Psychology Today


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> The White Knight Syndrome | Psychology Today


Yup. She's your girlfriend. You should have left long ago, instead of continuing to enable her bad decisions. She's demonstrating to you very clearly what she's like, and you're refusing to accept it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chevellery (Aug 20, 2014)

If I may play an ignorant devils advocate then...

I read the link to the White Knight and read almost all of it. Thank you for the read. But then this leads me to think I should dump her and the hell with anyone who has any problems?

Or is the author saying that couples shoud work together to solve thier problems? Or.. is the author saying that nobody shold bring thier own problems into a relationship and no sane person should help them?

just asking. I once started a collection for a distraught co-worker whol lost thier child. Afterwards, it turned out it was a miscarriage and they used the money to go to NASCAR. Never again. 

But I can see the authors point, clearly. However, where does one draw the line?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Where one draws the line is a personal decision. For example... Someone who wants to rescue stray cats. One or two might be ok for some people. Other people might live in a place that won't allow animals or has a partner who's allergic, so zero is the only option. For other people with a big house and nobody else at home, maybe 10. But most people would say that 50 is too many inside the house is too many...

At some point, you're just enabling her bad decisions. Allowing her to continue to make them, because you'll mend the broken pieces. She has no reason to change her behavior because you do that. But it won't fix the stress and frustration that you and everyone else feels as a result of her bad decision making. At some point (hopefully before you marry or have kids with her), you'll get worn out and emotionally spent, and you'll have to end things. She can outlast you in making bad decisions longer than you can keep fixing them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When you realize that the person you are trying to help isn't willing to help themselves, or is playing you. When you discover that, you end it.

Blatant example - my husband has white knight tendencies. He got sucked in by online scammers who posed as women in distress after sucking him in with sex chatting. He sent them over $3000 in total to 'help their dying father' or 'pay off their agency'. There were at least two of them, and even after they didn't meet up with him for sex like they said they would, he STILL thought they were for real, although he didn't send them any more money. You've been sucked in by your GF, you know what she's doing isn't right, but you feel guilty about it because you STILL want to save her.

Then after I found out what my husband was up to and kicked him out, he ended up with a hooker one night walking home, who he initially thought was a lost person and stopped to ask her if she needed help. But instead of walking away when she offered him some action, he took her back to his apartment.

You are at the point right now of bringing the hooker home and finding out that she doesn't want to leave.


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## Chevellery (Aug 20, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> When you realize that the person you are trying to help isn't willing to help themselves, or is playing you. When you discover that, you end it.
> 
> Blatant example - my husband has white knight tendencies. He got sucked in by online scammers who posed as women in distress after sucking him in with sex chatting. He sent them over $3000 in total to 'help their dying father' or 'pay off their agency'. There were at least two of them, and even after they didn't meet up with him for sex like they said they would, he STILL thought they were for real, although he didn't send them any more money. You've been sucked in by your GF, you know what she's doing isn't right, but you feel guilty about it because you STILL want to save her.
> 
> ...



Um, please don't take this as offensive, but, um....your husband, let me repeat that, your "husband" is sex chatting with other women and then picks up a woman walking the streets and has you convinced he was "just trying to help her" and didnt realize she was a hooker? 

wow.

so, Im sorry, I got all distracted by that. What was your point? I have never been unfaithful to anyone, let alone pick up hookers. Sorry, did you say that he is your "husband"? I'm sorry, but if thats the best metaphor you can give me......wow.


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## Chevellery (Aug 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> Where one draws the line is a personal decision. For example... Someone who wants to rescue stray cats. One or two might be ok for some people. Other people might live in a place that won't allow animals or has a partner who's allergic, so zero is the only option. For other people with a big house and nobody else at home, maybe 10. But most people would say that 50 is too many inside the house is too many...
> 
> At some point, you're just enabling her bad decisions. Allowing her to continue to make them, because you'll mend the broken pieces. She has no reason to change her behavior because you do that. But it won't fix the stress and frustration that you and everyone else feels as a result of her bad decision making. At some point (hopefully before you marry or have kids with her), you'll get worn out and emotionally spent, and you'll have to end things. She can outlast you in making bad decisions longer than you can keep fixing them.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right and I am just coming around to accept this as reality. 
Shes not 50 cats, not even one. I have set an ultimatum, a timeline and then if nothing changes, time for me to go.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I didn't read the White Knight piece but here's the rule of thumb I use to identify my own enabling tendencies: Am I doing more work than the other person on the other person's problem? If so, I am enabling.

If you are coming up with the solutions/doing the work more than your GF (e.g. slaying dragons while she just lets them back in), you are enabling.

Question: have you been to Naranon? Has your wife gone? If not, I strongly recommend you take her to some meetings. She will find support there. She should also learn to separate the addiction from the person and come to see that when the Addiction is in control, the person is not safe. If she is carrying some guilt, it should help her resolve it. It is not "taking the children away from their father", it is protecting them from the addiction unless/until the father becomes safe.

I had a long relationship with a guy who became severely addicted to pain killers, then opiates and street drugs, a few years into our relationship. We had just gotten engaged when I found out about the drugs. My sun rose and set on him before the addiction took over, and it didn't stop right away- I stayed with him for several more years as he struggled in and out of sobriety. Naranon helped me identify when it was time for me to give up. I was still incredibly sad when I left for good, but I was no longer guilt-ridden. I had come to realize that his chances of sobriety had nothing to do with me. He would get sober if he wanted it and he would stay sober if he wanted it, regardless of whether or not I was there for him.

Your GF has some sort of connection with her ex beside the kids. Maybe some part of her still feels responsible for his problems. Maybe she feels some sort of need for approval from him. Whatever it is, please know that without treatment, the partners/loved ones of addicts often become just as sick/maladjusted as the addict. In other words, your GF has the potential to cause just as much havoc as her druggy ex. It sounds like you are experiencing this now. 

Basically, she is addicted to her addict. That sounds crazy but if you take a hard look, you will see it: She can't abstain from her ex. Almost certainly, she knows bad things will happen if she opens up to him or engages him, yet she does so anyway. She opens up you and her children to risk. She has something inside her that keeps letting the dragons in. Her actions are seriously threatening the well-being and stability of your happy home and potential family. 

So take her to Naranon. See if she will connect and build a support group there. It might give you a framework to discuss your concerns on what the future holds for you,her, and the kids if she doesn't build and enforce some boundaries. If you haven't done so already, start having calm, non-accusatory discussions about your concerns and desire for an ex-free, stable life. Maybe going for full custody if it is warranted. In Naranon you are likely to come across grandparents or single parents who have custody. You are likely to hear of ways people have successfully (and not-so-successfully) dealt with your situation. 

Keep the eye and discussions on the goal of getting boundaries in place to keep the ex out, and to build a safe, stable, happy home for you and her and the kids.

Lastly, if she can't break her addiction and just continues to let chaos reign, you also might get some help from Naranon. Just like her with her ex, you didn't cause the situation you're in, you can't cure it or control it, but you can contribute to the outcome (enabling vs not enabling.) Naranon might help you work out your own boundaries to the questions you asked above: when is enough, enough? What kind of issues should be worked through? Which kind of issues should be deal-breakers? etc. These are personal and are different for everyone. 

The hardest part for me was giving up the dream of a life with him, accepting the reality that he was not able to stay sober. It literally took me years and several relapses to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Finally, at last, I put more value on my goals and dreams of peace, stability, and a family of my own. I came to grips with the truth that I was not going to have a safe, calm, peaceful family if I stayed with my ex. He and my successful dream were mutually exclusive.

Putting your own needs over the needs of your sick loved one goes against nearly everything we learn about love; it is very hard to do. It can feel incredibly selfish to leave your loved one in pain and alone, just because you don't want to deal with their issues. For me, at last, I came to terms in my heart that I was not going to let his issues stop me from trying for a a safe, happy family of my own. I have Naranon and therapy to thank for that realization.

I have a wonderful family of my own now- it is stable and peaceful. If my ex could have maintained sobriety I would have happily married him; but since he couldn't, I am so grateful that I left and was lucky enough for my dream to come true. 

Good luck to you, whichever you decide!


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## Chevellery (Aug 20, 2014)

Wise words Rose. I know most men would run away as fast as they can (as most have advised me to) and I have done so in the past. I know how to run away from a situation. I am not seeking that answer. Nor am I looking to burn down the whole house because I don't like the drapes. I am seeking the most viable solution to this problem. ex: How can I do anything different? What has not been addressed here? If and only if, nothing has changed by the time I set, then I know it is time to move on. Your suggestions are insightful, Thanks.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

What about marriage counseling? 

She has issues relating to the ex. The issues affect the present family.... so the family now has issues. This really is everyone's problem. 

Counseling should help the communication, allow her to build herself back up, and give everyone coping strategies to deal with the issues.


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