# Dont understand this reaction



## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Hi TAM.
havnt posted in a long time because I have moved on from a cheater but I have recently traced the other woman that my ex fiancé cheated on and the new info has sent me reeling.

So this is what happened two years ago. My partner ( now ex) was planning to stay with me for the entire week from Monday to Sunday to do a college course which was base in my home town. We were not living together at that time as we had our own houses then. I didn’t see him the weekend before and I was looking forward to it. We were together for nearly a year..engaged.. happily in love and excitedly making wedding plans and dreaming about our future together.Life couldn’t be better.

When he arrived around 9pm Monday evening he looked like a guilty dog.He looked like a broken man. He couldn’t look me in the eyes, he was withdrawn, quiet and he turned his back to me in the bedroom later. He never did that before.I kept asking him what was wrong but he said it was the stresses of work. I didn’t believe him though.Tuesday night was the same. And he still couldn’t look me in the eyes, hardly spoke to me and the atmosphere was so uncomfortable. I knew something was very wrong.

By Wednesday I sat down with him and told him he needs to spill it out as I had never seen him like this this. It took a further 30 mins of him biting his nails, looking nervous,knee jerking, eyes darting everywhere and then he confessed. 

He told me had cheated on me that Monday afternoon just hours before driving to me . He said it was with an ex of his and it was a one off, unplanned event. She came to his house for a coffee and it happened there and then.

Well as you can imagine all hell broke loose but after a few months I gave him a second chance because I thought he couldn’t lie. That his body reacted badly if he was hiding something. Plus at least he confessed within days after he cheated. That’s what I thought for years. That he did it only once, he confessed and was remorseful. I tried to remember that everytime I had a trigger

The relationship eventually ended two years later and I no longer talk to him. But I recently spoke with the other woman and she has given me a completely different story. 
I believe her too.. So she said it happened only the once. She says they didn’t meet on that Monday afternoon but two months before! He had invited over to his house for the weekend!They drank gin and tonic together and she stayed the night and left on Sunday! So for two months he was able to hid that from me because he acted very normal. He played happy family, told me how much he loved me for two months!I didn’t suspect a thing! 

So why the delayed reaction? Why act extremely guilty two months later? He was fine for two months. I don’t get it. It shouldn’t bother me as he is out of my life but man does it hurt to get trickle truth! I hate being deceived!

Does anyone think they know why he behaved this way? Its driving me nuts


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Maybe someone else knew about the encounter with the ex and threaten to tell you if he didn't. His reaction those first couple of days was just his nervousness that he was going to have to tell you at some point. Maybe the ex threatened to tell you but I guess she would have told you that when she gave you her side of the story.

ETA: If what I wrote above is the reason, then that person really did you a favor. He was probably never going to tell you.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Agree. He's a coward. Somone else knew or xGF was going to tell you. Otherwise he'd likely keep doing it in the future behind your back.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Well it wouldn't be the ex threatening him to tell because she was "happily" married too. She wouldnt have wanted to jeapardise her marriage

And No one else knew about their liason.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Maybe someone else knew about the encounter with the ex and threaten to tell you if he didn't. His reaction those first couple of days was just his nervousness that he was going to have to tell you at some point. Maybe the ex threatened to tell you but I guess she would have told you that when she gave you her side of the story.
> 
> ETA: If what I wrote above is the reason, then that person really did you a favor. He was probably never going to tell you.


I agree he was never gonna tell. but something compelled him to tell..I don't get it


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

You are looking for closure. There's none. There's not an answer that might satisfy you. Let it go.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> And No one else knew about their liason.


You don't know that. People talk. Especially after they've been drinking. Maybe your ex confided in a friend, and that friend told someone who felt they had to make it right.

Doesn't take much for that sort of gossip to spread like wildfire.



soccermom2three said:


> Maybe someone else knew about the encounter with the ex and threaten to tell you if he didn't. His reaction those first couple of days was just his nervousness that he was going to have to tell you at some point.


This is the best explanation you're going to get. He only acted guilty and shaken because he knew the game was up and he'd have to come clean. Accept it and move on.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

If he was able to hide cheating for 2 months without you suspecting, then I think maybe he DID cheat that Monday but with somebody else entirely. Perhaps with another guy?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> If he was able to hid hide cheating for 2 months without you suspecting, then I think maybe he DID cheat that Monday but with somebody else entirely. Perhaps with another guy?


Then again this might be the best explanation you're going to get.

Pick one.

I hope no one else comes up with an even better explanation. 

Then you'll have even more theories for your head to spin around with.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> If he was able to hid hide cheating for 2 months without you suspecting, then I think maybe he DID cheat that Monday but with somebody else entirely. Perhaps with another guy?


This is what I am thinking. He is a serial cheater. Puts a complete different stance to his character


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Then again this might be the best explanation you're going to get.
> 
> Pick one.
> 
> ...


Well that's why I have put a thread up lenzi. Nothing wrong in hearing other peoples opinions about it. That's what these forums are for. I want to hear what others have to say

It's not easy just moving on from being cheated. Even if you have left the cheater. There is still a lot of emotions to process and it takes a long time. 
I have been single for a year but I still get triggers from time to time.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Cheating is traumatizing not "just" because we find out our partner betrayed us and had sex outside of the relationship, but because of all the lying/deceiving/misleading we find out they did to us. 

As if the sex wasn't enough...when we think back, we realize there had to be multiple times when not only were lies told, but there were many half-truths, and of course, so much that was completely kept from us. That means there were many, many times that they were dishonest with us. Their secret life was going on while we were kept in the dark - you feel not only duped, but stupid, and your partner was the one who made you to feel that way.

Recovering from this is never easy. It's a long, long process. If you reconcile, it's a rocky road, and yet you (potentially, if your wayward is "all in") have the best "healer" right there who can answer all the questions, fill in all the blanks, and apologize frequently (daily, for awhile). If you don't reconcile, you may not get all the answers, and you may be left with the kind of nagging questions that you have.

But I think it helps to understand that you've been traumatized. Have you read NOT Just Friends by Glass? It's a very good book that describes the trauma we've experienced very well. If you have people you can talk to about it, that might help too. IC with someone with a background in trauma wouldn't be a bad idea either, depending on how alone you feel in dealing with this. You really can't know what made him react the way he did, but you are left with the damage that he did, and that just stinks.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

hibiscus said:


> I want to hear what others have to say..


OK then. Here's another. 

If you can contact the OW again she can confirm or deny this one.

In the throes of a new relationship you get the infatuation buzz. It can distract and consume you until it wears off. Since the OW was also cheating, I wonder if she dangled the carrot of leaving her hubby to be with yours. So, he was in active, enthusiastic, persuit mode for two months before she told him "NO!" That squashed the infatuation causing him to 'remember' you. Hence the delayed guilt.

If there was a 2nd woman on the Monday before you confronted him, it's hard to believe that he couldn't hide that AT ALL yet hid the other so well. Good liars don't become awful liars in the course of a few months. MAYBE the other way around - practise makes perfect.

Final thought and theory. You're sure the one you spoke to had her dates right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Is it possible he cheated with more than one woman and it wasn't the one you talked to?? Maybe he cheated with her as well but just gave you her name to throw you off of someone else? It's possible he just told you a half-truth. Which would make sense. 

Like you say he was obviously able to go about perfectly fine for 2 months after being with this woman yet one day out of nowhere he reacts the way you say and voluntarily confesses to cheating? Maybe he hooked up with someone he was sure you were going to find out about. Hell maybe he was putting on an act and just likes drama idk.

At any rate you're probably never going to know the truth or how his mind worked. Don't frustrate yourself too much trying.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> Cheating is traumatizing not "just" because we find out our partner betrayed us and had sex outside of the relationship, but because of all the lying/deceiving/misleading we find out they did to us.
> 
> As if the sex wasn't enough...when we think back, we realize there had to be multiple times when not only were lies told, but there were many half-truths, and of course, so much that was completely kept from us. That means there were many, many times that they were dishonest with us. Their secret life was going on while we were kept in the dark - you feel not only duped, but stupid, and your partner was the one who made you to feel that way.
> 
> ...


Yeah you nailed it. I did IC when we reconciled and I have many supportive friends. But its still hard to let it go. 

I hope he rots in hell to be honest


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> OK then. Here's another.
> 
> If you can contact the OW again she can confirm or deny this one.
> 
> ...


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Is it possible he cheated with more than one woman and it wasn't the one you talked to?? Maybe he cheated with her as well but just gave you her name to throw you off of someone else? It's possible he just told you a half-truth. Which would make sense.
> 
> Like you say he was obviously able to go about perfectly fine for 2 months after being with this woman yet one day out of nowhere he reacts the way you say and voluntarily confesses to cheating? Maybe he hooked up with someone he was sure you were going to find out about. Hell maybe he was putting on an act and just likes drama idk.
> 
> At any rate you're probably never going to know the truth or how his mind worked. Don't frustrate yourself too much trying.


I think this is what he did. I will put this to bed because its not worth obsessing over. I just wanted to see if my way of thinking was the norm. 

Thank you all for posting. I have a hot date this weekend. Moving on swiftly


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

My ex didn't reveal anything until after a year of cheating. I believe the guilt just builds up and comes out one way or another. There comes a point where they can't compartmentalize the two lives anymore. His way was to tell you a half truth which is what cheaters do. Others leave clues and get caught. 

Good luck on the date!


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> My ex didn't reveal anything until after a year of cheating. I believe the guilt just builds up and comes out one way or another. There comes a point where they can't compartmentalize the two lives anymore. His way was to tell you a half truth which is what cheaters do. Others leave clues and get caught.
> 
> Good luck on the date!


So when he did reveal all, what was his body language like before he confessed?


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

She never got a chance to confess or revealed all because I uncovered the affair myself. When she did try to tell me something was wrong she shifted the blame on us saying that we were the problem. She later on told me that it was about her not having control over her life. So I don't think they ever reveal the truth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Off topic. Good to hear from you H.

Hope you are healing and healthy.

Really sorry for the hell you went through.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Off topic. Good to hear from you H.
> 
> Hope you are healing and healthy.
> 
> Really sorry for the hell you went through.


... and have fun on that date!

~sammy


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