# 3 big deals I'm feeling fed up about, advice please



## bell

I am starting to feel fed up with my husband. I care about him, but he is making me fed up about him lately... its' because he always goes out to the gas station to get a 6 pack of beer. He drinks half of it and then leaves the rest for the next day. He might only skip a night of drinking his 3-4 beers if he got too busy or felt bad, but if its' there he drinks it. He sits on the couch all night with his computer doing coding while watching Stargate until he falls asleep on the couch or comes to bed super late. If we have sex its' because he woke me up for sex. I found pornhub on his phone and he has been having ED when and if we have sex in the evening or morning which is usually a weekend.


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## turnera

How long married? Kids? Ages? Both work? How much time do you two spend together without any electronics on or kids around?


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## bell

We have been married goingg on 11 yrs. 16 years together. We have 3 kids 10 and under, we have a toddler, and I like to get to sleep before 11:30. We spend a lot of evenings having a family dinner I cook and clean up mostly and theres not a lot of time spent together unless I sit with him and he's on the computer watching his shows.


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## _anonymous_

bell said:


> its' because he always goes out to the gas station to get a 6 pack of beer. He drinks half of it and then leaves the rest for the next day.


The quantity of beers per night seems like a bit much. I don't know if it qualifies as an addiction, but it can't be good for him. For his own health, you might talk to him about this. 

How long has the drinking been going on? Is this a recent change in his behavior (last six months)?



bell said:


> He might only skip a night of drinking his 3-4 beers if he got too busy... He sits on the couch all night with his computer doing coding while watching Stargate


Is there a reason he's bringing work home from the office? If he's facing stress at work and tight deadlines, this might explain the drinking if it's a recent development. You should talk with him about work, and try to understand if everything is OK there.



bell said:


> If we have sex its' because he woke me up for sex. I found pornhub on his phone and he has been having ED when and if we have sex in the evening or morning which is usually a weekend.


Well, at least he's initiating. I can understand that you're frustrated by him staying up all hours of the night and neglecting you until he wants a late night romp. Have you spoke with him about this? 

Also, you seem like you want more sex than he does. Have you communicated your expectations to him regarding sex, from its timing to its frequency?

Regarding his ED, has he consulted a Urologist about it? There should be treatment options for him, so consult with the doctor about that.

As for the porn, not a healthy habit as it diverts his desire away from you. Are there indications from his browsing history that his porn use is an unhealthy addiction vs. an occasional thing? Check into it.


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## turnera

Ok. Three kids under 10. YOUR attention is by necessity fully on your kids. I don't see any time spent just the two of you - a movie, a walk, a picnic, being romantic. Guys often retreat once you have a bunch of kids because, well, you aren't paying them any attention. Most guys don't marry thinking "oh boy I get to go work and bring work home and watch tv every night and get up and do it all over again." It's more like "oh boy we're gonna have sex 10 times a day and we're gonna go fishing and hunting and see baseball games and make out on every surface in our home, and ..."

You have a big hand in this, assuming he's not cheating or depressed or something. You can turn this around. You absolutely MUST start finding time to spend with him without the kids. And without the electronics on. Even just a walk once or twice a week will reconnect you two. 

Get the book His Needs Her Needs. Read it and you'll understand what's going on.


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## Jessica38

bell said:


> I am starting to feel fed up with my husband. I care about him, but he is making me fed up about him lately... its' because he always goes out to the gas station to get a 6 pack of beer. He drinks half of it and then leaves the rest for the next day. He might only skip a night of drinking his 3-4 beers if he got too busy or felt bad, but if its' there he drinks it. He sits on the couch all night with his computer doing coding while watching Stargate until he falls asleep on the couch or comes to bed super late. If we have sex its' because he woke me up for sex. I found pornhub on his phone and he has been having ED when and if we have sex in the evening or morning which is usually a weekend.


This sucks, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would not like this either. The way I see it, if you want anything to change, you've got two choices:

1. Let him know what you need from him and give him a chance to do it. I'd write him a letter stating that you're no longer willing to live this way and you need the drinking and porn to stop. Give him a month to make these changes and if he is unwilling, prepare for a separation, letting him know that you'll consider reconciling when he is no longer putting alcohol and porn before the marriage. (Download a copy of Lovebusters to find out more about Dr. Harley's approach for yourself).

OR

2. Try Doyle's technique listed here to influence him to stop drinking (personally, I would have a VERY difficult time doing this, but it is an option to consider if you are unwilling to separate): Living with an Alcoholic Husband | Laura Doyle


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## bell

I am going to try at this thanks so much for the advice and materials to help these situations. I truly believe if I work at it theres a chance it will get better and change. I really hope I see him put into it too.


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## naiveonedave

3 beers a night is likely NOT an addiction. heck, 1 glass of win is recommended for medicinal value. 

The other stuff, you should rightly be upset about. He is ignoring you, which is not what you signed up for when you got married.


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## Jessica38

naiveonedave said:


> 3 beers a night is likely NOT an addiction. heck, 1 glass of win is recommended for medicinal value.
> 
> The other stuff, you should rightly be upset about. He is ignoring you, which is not what you signed up for when you got married.


It might be though, especially if he is putting it before the marriage. We don't really know, but in Lovebusters, Dr. Harley defines an addiction as an unwillingness to stop, even when you know it hurts/bothers your spouse.

Nightly drinking can also build up tolerance, leading to more than 3 down the road.


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## naiveonedave

Jessica38 said:


> It might be though, especially if he is putting it before the marriage. We don't really know, but in Lovebusters, Dr. Harley defines an addiction as an unwillingness to stop, even when you know it hurts/bothers your spouse.
> 
> Nightly drinking can also build up tolerance, leading to more than 3 down the road.


He likely drank 3 a day before marriage. Probably not wise for the W to 'arbitrarily' make this a big deal. This would be a bait and switch. We need a lot more information before I would even use Harley's argument. The H could easily fire back with, been doing it for 10 years with no change, why is it an issue now. It appears to me she is using beer as a way to rewrite the marriage. I would not be surprised if a friend of the OP 'taught' her that this was an issue, when it wasn't before. The other stuff she is complaining about is the real issue. (If he were a 12 pack a day guy or even a 6 pack a day guy, I would agree with you. 3, not so much).

Clinically, calling this an addiction, means he is an alcoholic, which he likely isn't. If she labels him an alcoholic she is going to get a bunch of advice that will hurt her M, not help it. (like you need to run away from him before he turns to a mean drunk and hits you. We have no such evidence, but the wolves would be out).


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## Jessica38

@naiveonedave, I see where you are coming from. It's (yet another) gray area, IMO. I do think there is validity in the approach that whatever comes between you in marriage will hurt the marriage, and the fact that he's unwilling to stop drinking 3 beers every single night even though he knows it bothers his spouse signals that he either 1. Has no problem repeatedly upsetting his wife, and 2. Possibly has an addiction, which can get worse over time.

The CDC definition of heavy drinking:

"For men, heavy drinking is typically defined as consuming 15 drinks or more per week. For women, heavy drinking is typically defined as consuming 8 drinks or more per week.

Excessive alcohol use includes binge drinking, heavy drinking, any alcohol use by people under the age 21 minimum legal drinking age, and any alcohol use by pregnant women.

Drinking is a problem if it causes trouble in your relationships, in school, in social activities, or in how you think and feel."
https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm#heavyDrinking


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Three beers a night is at least $100/mo coming out of the family budget. That is not insignificant for most families. In this case, it is more significant since it is something he is doing on his own--it is not a family, or even a spousal activity. 

Three beers a night is a lot of empty calories, especially for someone who does so as part of a sedentary routine. Many men can get away with this in their youth, but it will catch up to them. 

Three beers a night is more than enough to give bad breath. When the consumption exceeds that, it is enough to negatively affect behavior. 

Three beers may be manageable by some, but that is very few, especially over the long term as it will become a crutch. 

As to the porn, heavy use is often a direct tie to the ED you're experiencing. Porn can be desensitizing. Many a man has developed a porn dependency in getting aroused and ends up having trouble getting it up for a real woman. There is no work involved in watching porn, but there is real work involved in properly making love to a real human being. So porn becomes a crutch; and easy way to self-satisfaction, while destroying the ability to function in real life. 

Combine a little porn with a little alcohol (also a depressant which can desensitize), the ED is almost a certainty. 

Each of those two issues alone could be problematic, the two together even more likely so.

Dude needs to turn it around, and pronto. But he might could use a little help. 3 young children? OP could have been so wrapped up with child rearing for long enough now that hubby gets left out. This may drive the solitary behavior, drinking, and porn use. Somehow, the two need to come back together.

At a very minimum, this couple needs a very honest, direct, unflinching sit-down, face-to-face, heart-to-heart, with no distractions (get the kids out of the house for a few hours). OP will have to initiate and be very forthright. Hubby must be willing to listen, accept constructive criticism, own his part in the distancing of the relationship, and be willing to work together to help bridge the gap. OP will also need to be willing to listen, understand what, if any, part she has played in fostering this distance, and also be willing to make necessary changes. That is, of course, assuming she can get hubby to open up. 

This may or may not work, depending on hubby's willingness to fully engage, and how far downstream the distance has grown. But sooner is better. Early engagement is always more likely to yield fruit than letting things slide.


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## Mr. Nail

drinking high calorie drinks, sitting, ED. My first question is " is he having an increase in belly fat? This can lead to the big three health threats for men, Obesity, Diabetes, and low testosterone. Each condition leads to the other two. I don't want to discount any of the other great advice you have received. I just think you should be thinking about this, if he is gaining belly fat. 

Alcohol is a cheap self medication, commonly used by people who are trying to escape something they don't want to think about, so is Porn. There is likely something in his life that is bothering him. It could be almost anything, so I won't hazard a guess. I think an active hobby would be a more healthy self medication for him. Science is now showing that there is nothing better you can do for your mind and body, than exercise.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Mr. Nail said:


> drinking high calorie drinks, sitting, ED. My first question is " is he having an increase in belly fat? This can lead to the big three health threats for men, Obesity, Diabetes, and low testosterone. Each condition leads to the other two. I don't want to discount any of the other great advice you have received. I just think you should be thinking about this, if he is gaining belly fat.
> 
> Alcohol is a cheap self medication, commonly used by people who are trying to escape something they don't want to think about, so is Porn. There is likely something in his life that is bothering him. It could be almost anything, so I won't hazard a guess. I think an active hobby would be a more healthy self medication for him. Science is now showing that there is nothing better you can do for your mind and body, than exercise.


Mr. Nail hit it on the head here.


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## bell

yeah I don't know if it is alcoholic or not, he doesn't drink and drive or go out to drink. He makes it to work everyday no problems! I wonder why he codes and works so much, I wonder if it's for fun in some way but I have no idea what he is coding. We have talked about the timing and frequency of when we are intimate, and his ED lately those a more recent topic we have to figure out too. Mostly trying to figure out on here if he has a problem with the drinking. I will try and read those books and find other ways to distract him, maybe I've just let it be for a while and need to put in effort more to get him away from his couch and beer. The porn, I don't find it or know about unless I go searching around once in a while I find a site or something he was on, but I'd rather we watch it together or wish it wasn't taking the place of him trying to get with me. He always blames it on me and how "early," I go to sleep. I always think we need to bond a little first or go on a date, cook together, go for a bike ride or SOMETHING! We will have to work on it.


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## turnera

A sixpack a night might be a problem. Three beers over the course of a night? Not likely.

The REAL problem is that he no longer sees you as a benefit. 

_He is not getting anything out of this marriage._ And I guarantee 3 kids under 10 is a big part of it. So is you 'allowing' him to just come home every night and plop on the couch. 

So until you figure THAT out, with real conversations about his dreams, expectations, resentments, sources of unhappiness, nothing will change.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

bell said:


> I always think we need to bond a little first or go on a date, cook together, go for a bike ride or SOMETHING! We will have to work on it.


Honestly this is your best bet. Simple in theory, but certainly more difficult in execution, especially with three yung'uns. It takes effort on both parts. How willing he is to exert effort in this direction will give you significant insight into what level of success you can hope to achieve as a couple.


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