# Need advice.



## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

I am 33 and my wife is 38. We have been together for 11 years and married for 6 of them. We have 3 kids together and they are beautiful.

My question is how do I get her to physically love me. She does not hug or kiss me. All of the physical affection is done by me. She only seems to need me for my paycheck to support our home. Or atleast that is how I feel about it.

Sex has always been luke warm. She is timid and does not like trying anything new. She never even touches me during sex. No making out and hates fourplay most times.

I have pleaded with her in the past that I need for her to show me love. Even this last time a few weeks ago when I told her that I was not sure what my options are if she won't love me.

Most times after we talk she gets better for a few days then back to the old same situation.

I really don't want to split up our marriage and my kids but I am depressed about all of this. This has gone on for years now and with each kid it all gets worse. She only thinks about the kids needs and literally everything else is worthless to her as that is how I feel.

Telling me she loves me all the time but NEVER shows it ever!

Any suggestions on how to deal with this ? I am at my end with all of this.


Thank You.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Pick up a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and read it together. Won't fix the problem, but it's a good launching point for a conversation.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

has she always been apprehensive of displaying affection? was she more aggrieve when you were both dating ? the reason why i ask is that people don't often change their behavior unless something intrinsically or extrinsically motivates them to do so.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is she affectionate toward the kids? Does she touch them rub their arms while talking to them,hug them freely and easily? How about with her family or close friends? I'm trying to get a sense of her general comfort level with affection.

That must hurt and I can see how difficult this is for you. It's an uphill battle for sure.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

What does she say when you bring up the topic of physical affection? Do she say that she will try? Or does she just say "that is just not me, I don't give that way?"

Has she been more physical in the past?


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

She shows the kids affection all of the time. It is generally with me she does not. She did a little before kids but now nothing really.

I have always thought that if you love someone it just come naturally. I love every part of her and do not find any part of her unattractive. I am deeply in love with her and I think that is why I am so attracted to her.

She says she will try when I bring it up. I have brought it up probably 25 times with big talks and I get a few days then nothing.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Have you told her that the message she is sending to the kids is that parents don't show affection? Is that what she wants her kids to understand and expect?

Any ideas about what changed to reduce the affection?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Keep communicating, don't give up.

I would just keep telling her how important all this stuff is to you, should be to her too. 

Does she realize what she is risking by not meeting your intimacy levels/desires? She should accept that her marriage will be on the line (in time).

On your end, you also have to figure out how important this is and if you are willing to end this relationship if it doesn't change.

Personally, without affection and intimacy, I would. Those 2 are probably at the top of the list when it comes to sustaining a healthy/long lasting relationship.

You can find plenty of friends elsewhere.....

Send her this?
http://www.foxsports.com/college-fo...age/13-ways-to-keep-your-husband-happy-042914


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

I don't really, I keep asking her why and she says she doesnt know why. 

With sex she says she is not really into sex much. But she has an orgasm almost everytime we do it. I am an passionate lover that loves foreplay and pretty much everything.

My biggest problem is that about 15 years ago I dated a girl who loved me like I wanted to be loved. She was affectionate and hugged and kissed me like a married couple should. In bed she was amazing in the fact she would do anything I wanted just because she knew it made me happy. 

Maybe I compare the two but I know what I feel I deserve in a marriage. I just feel sometimes that she got what she always wanted. 3 kids and now I am just useless to her.

I have a crazy sex drive and would probably have sex 1 time a day if she would be ok with it. I think the reason it is so high is because that is the only connection that we have to eachother. Wjhen we are not having sex we are roomates that live together esentially.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What are her needs and are you meeting them? I'm sure she does not understand your needs and so dismisses them. If you can improve your mutual communication and get her to understand how damaging her attitudes are, she may make an effort. Even so, she will never be the woman you want, and she will never even be close to the woman you once dated who was.

If she won't communicate, won't make an effort, then you have some hard choices. You can try focusing on developing yourself (the 180, it's called), and stop meeting her needs. That way she is also frustrated and perhaps that will motivate her to attempt to meet yours. This can be risky, but it seems like you have little to lose and are close to this point anyway.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

My wife is not very physical at all, but she loves me very much. She was never into kissing or hugging and just isn't a touchy feely kind of a person, never has been and never will be. But that does not mean she doesn't love me, and she's still very close with the kids because that's different for her. But I know she loves me because of all the other things she does... it's just something I have learned to understand and appreciate over time, but I guess to begin with I was never really wanting all this constant physical contact so that's why our relationship worked.

So it kind of sounds like a similar situation to me. The difference being is that you are really wanting this physical affection from her, and she just can't understand why.

The big question would be -- has she always been like this? That is the key. If she has always been like this, then why are you suddenly really wanting this physical affection yet you were OK without it initially?


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

She has been like this most of our marraige. I was not happy when we got married but made the mistake of thinking she will love me how I need after we are married. I have 3 beautiful kids with her and she is a awesome mother to them.

A year before we where married I thought about leaving her because I was unhappy. She has changed a lot over the past few years for the good. She was a high anxiety person with a negative attitude. She is still all of that but not as bad for sure.

She keeps trying to not be like her mother and is making strides in certain areas. Even her mother admits that after they had kids she forgot about her husband and I kind of think my wife is doing the same. I keep telling her dont forget where this all started. It was both of us together that started all of this.

Thanks for all of the replies. It feels good to have some people insight on this problem that are not close to it.

Thanks


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read the book "5 Love Languages" and then give it to her to read, then discuss it with her. It is a short easy book. I would start with 5LL and then go ahead and read "His Needs, Her Needs". HNHN is a longer book which approaches the same kinds of issues from a different viewpoint. The 2 books together should really cover all the bases completely.


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

We had sex 2 days ago and she had the best orgasm ever. I worked a 15 hour day yesterday so I missed her last night and the kids. I woke up this morning and put my arms around her while she was getting ready. I said " I miss you and feel like we have not spent much time together lately. Her reply was " we just had sex two days ago " To my reply " Oh sorry I guess I am good for the month then.

2 days ago I got a piece of paper and wrote on top of it your needs. Asked her to fill it out with what her needs are from me in hopes she would return the favor on mine. Thinking maybe im not meeting hers so she is not meeting mine. I felt like tearing that paper up today because I feel like she dont give a **** about mine.

Drives me nuts !!!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok, you are frustrated but you need to calm down.
Just becuase sex is your #1 need does not make it her #1 need. Therefore, she can never truly understand your need. That does not mean she does not love you. What she wants to feel loved is different than what you want to feel loved. That is not the same as not being loved. 

The Five Love Languages would be a great book for you to read.

You do need to figure out whether you are meeting her individual needs. Asking her to write them down is not a great strategy but i too would love to know what she wrote down.

She could very well be as frustrated as you are because meeting her needs just doesn't come natuarlly to you.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

At least you are having sex, many people in marriages are not. Are you not filling fulfilled during sex because she doesn't participate like you would like her to? Some people are just not affectionate. You really can't change that.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

archibald said:


> She has been like this most of our marraige. I was not happy when we got married but made the mistake of thinking she will love me how I need after we are married. I have 3 beautiful kids with her and she is a awesome mother to them.


 Sorry friend. Your fault, your fault, your fault. You knew she was a cold fish when you met her, when you dated her, when you asked her to marry you and now you want her to change and it ain't happening.

All the signs were there and you did the old "whistle past the graveyard" thing and now your paying for only seeing what you wanted to see hoping that it will go away. 

Sorry friend. You asked for it. Now you have to deal with it.


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

6301 said:


> Sorry friend. Your fault, your fault, your fault. You knew she was a cold fish when you met her, when you dated her, when you asked her to marry you and now you want her to change and it ain't happening.
> 
> All the signs were there and you did the old "whistle past the graveyard" thing and now your paying for only seeing what you wanted to see hoping that it will go away.
> 
> Sorry friend. You asked for it. Now you have to deal with it.


Yeah I know , just have to decide if I can live with it I guess. I don't think I will ever be happy with her if she can never change though.


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

I have tried doing more things around the house for her many many times. My nature is to help her any way that I can. That is how I was brought up is to help the people that I love. Although I have had some form of resentment for her lately. I still do everything that needs to be done around the house. I still cook and clean and take care of things. I just don't do the little nice things that I used to. I feel it is a lost cause.

What frustrates me is when people on facebook have an anniversary and post about their wife is their rock and soul mate etc. I have never felt that way ever about mine.

I told her last night that I was sorry that I need so much attention. I said that sex for me is a connection to her. I need lots of it to feel loved.

I have 3 great kids and love them to death. I just don't think I will ever be happy with her. I don't want to split this family up as my parents got divorced when I was 8. I just know that my kids see how we interact with eachother. I don't want them thinking that this is the norm for a mom and dad to act like.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Did she write anything down on the paper?

Do you think she knows how serious the situation is? I mean that you think about filing for divorce?

Can you get her to read any of the books? She needs to read them with a serious mind that says "I need to contribute to fixing our marriage."


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

fightforher said:


> Did she write anything down on the paper?
> 
> Do you think she knows how serious the situation is? I mean that you think about filing for divorce?
> 
> Can you get her to read any of the books? She needs to read them with a serious mind that says "I need to contribute to fixing our marriage."



Nothing yet and that was 3 days ago. I am going to tell her today that this is important. I don't think she understands how important our relationship is. She only thinks about the kids and nothing outside of that.

I thought about a trial seperation but not real sure what that means yet.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

archibald said:


> I have tried doing more things around the house for her many many times. My nature is to help her any way that I can. That is how I was brought up is to help the people that I love. Although I have had some form of resentment for her lately. I still do everything that needs to be done around the house. I still cook and clean and take care of things. I just don't do the little nice things that I used to. I feel it is a lost cause.


You badly need to read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

STOP doing things for her. DO START doing things for yourself. What I mean is that you stop doing anything which you are doing if you ASSUME she wants it done or ASSUME she will approve of it.

Are the dishes dirty. Wash the dang dishes! But do it because you want the dishes clean. Don't do it to get brownie points from her.

Doing stuff you don't value will make you resentful if she doesn't appreciate it. That is called a "Covert Contract", and it is bad stuff. Nice Guys do way too much of it! Be sure she knows she can and should ask you to do things if she wants them done. We men typically aren't as oriented towards noticing when things need to be done such as vacuuming or cleaning the shower. So make sure she knows that you want to be helpful, which means she should ask you for help when there is something she wants done. She will appreciate your help. You will feel needed and appreciated. Things important to her will get done. You won't feel resentment.

She should probably be responsible for much of the household stuff. But she can delegate to you some tasks. She is still responsible, meaning that if she wants it done she has to find a way to get it done (either she does it or she asks you). She shouldn't penalize you for not doing something which is not important to you! You will feel less resentment if she is The Boss on most household chores.

HNHN is a great book and explains this very well.

Make yourself a priority, in a good healthy way. Build in some exercise time, some hobby time, and some guy time for yourself. You will have to balance this with some family time, but the family time is because YOU value family and YOU want to spend time with them. Be sure you have a decent wardrobe. Stop wearing worn out blue jeans and ratty t-shirts. Start wearing nicer clothes more often, such as button front short sleeve shirts, Dockers or other non-blue jeans, and shoes that don't look like you've had them since high school. Improve your grooming. Get your hair cut a little bit more often. Pay attention to trimming your eyebrows if they're unkempt. This isn't some huge fake project, just an incremental self improvement program. Instead of watching tv, go for a bike ride. Easy, like that. The goal is for you to be happier with yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

You should be making yourself a better man, which will improve your ability to be the best husband and father possible. Somewhat counter-intuitively, women tend to respond much more positively to a man with his own purpose in life than a man who tries to do everything for her.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Thor, easier said than done. But the advice is spot on. At least it is for me and probably the OP as well. 

The OP needs to look at his actions to see if there are any of these hidden contracts in his life. "If I do this will you be affectionate to me" sort of deals. Look deep, because sometimes you are not even aware of them yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

archibald said:


> Nothing yet and that was 3 days ago. I am going to tell her today that this is important. I don't think she understands how important our relationship is. She only thinks about the kids and nothing outside of that.
> 
> I thought about a trial seperation but not real sure what that means yet.


Have you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs"?

Has your wife read it? 

A lot of people don't know what their needs are or how to express them. The book is a good way to get them thinking about what their needs are and to help them find the words to express them.


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## archibald (Aug 4, 2014)

I just ordered it last night. Sounds like a hell of a book from the reviews that it got on amazon.  I really want this to work, hope this helps.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

archibald said:


> I just ordered it last night. Sounds like a hell of a book from the reviews that it got on amazon. I really want this to work, hope this helps.


Great! Even if you can't get her to read it, you will gain insight to what she needs. That is, you will know her well enough to figure out what her needs are. Although the book is "five of his needs are X and five of her needs are Y" it is not always cut like that. In other words, you may find that one of your needs is in the list of her needs and visa versa. And the author points this out. These are just the norm. 

But you will understand the 10 needs, and be able to figure out your top five and hopefully her top five. Then you should be able to try to meet her needs and express what you need. 

Happy reading.


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