# long distance marriage with minimal communication... (long)



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi all,
I used to post often in the past about issues with my long distance marriage. I live in the US, and my husband lives in India. He has never moved to the US as he planned to do after our marriage, 1.5 years ago. I have not even seen him in person for over 1 year. We only stayed together for a total of 2 weeks after marriage, one week directly after our marriage in 2011, and then 1 week in March 2012 when I went to visit him (and only had 1 week off from school, as I'm a full-time student).

I still care for my husband, and he claims to care about me and not want to divorce (but it's all talk and no action). Yet he has refused to get his visa paperwork completed, since I'm unwilling to have his mother live with us for 2 months of each year (what he wanted). It's not even that I'm opposed to his mother staying... it's just that he has broken his word a number of times before, so I don't trust him at all... and I have a strong hunch that he will get his parents to stay for extended lengths once he gets here, as he doesn't not appear to respect my feelings. Although I am the one initiating the marriage split, I feel like I have no option here, as he has not make any effort to make me feel loved after marriage (as he was a total romantic before marriage). 

So he continues to live in India with his parents, instead of moving to be with me. He says he wants to be with me, and that we should at least try to make the marriage work by him coming here, rather than getting divorced without even trying to live together first. However, although he says he doesn't want a divorce, he does not make any effort from his side. He says that he wants to come, but won't come under my conditions... which is that I don't want his parents to come for 2 months at a time, as I even told him BEFORE marriage that they could come for 3 weeks. (He knew this before marriage, but said later that he didn't think I was serious about it.) He says that I am controlling, and I agree that I can be. Though I feel like he is indirectly VERY controlling and manipulative as well. (I may be slightly controlling, but I'm not manipulative as he is... as I state my intentions upfront).

Both of us want the other to change, and it just isn't going to happen. (I have always thought that he could be the perfect husband if he's just GROW UP and mature.) We have talked about 5 times on the phone in the last 4 months or so... with him calling about once, and me calling the other 4 times. It's unbearable. (We used to talk about twice daily when we were engaged and in our early marriage period.) Now he still gets very excited and happy when I call, yet he won't call me back. I think it was because I got upset for him for calling some months ago, as we were in marital crisis, yet he only wanted to ask me for some medical advice for his mom and didn't have any desire to talk about fixing the marriage. So he apparently took it to mean that I didn't want him to call (which I told him was not the case), but he continues not to call at all for months. I can't live like this.

Although I'm a full-time student, he does not send me any money. If I even mention money, he acts like I'm some kind of gold-digger and says I should be the one sending HIM money! He states that I have so much more than him in terms of clothing, shoes etc (which is true). But it just bothers me that I'm a full-time medical student buried under loans, and my husband is working with all of his money going to his own family home there. I don't get anything of it. Instead, my parents have helped me when I'm financially strapped, which is unbecoming. It's really not his money that I want, so much as his RESPONSIBILITY. I wish he realized that he is my man and should try to help out his wife instead of being okay with her parents helping her, and taking care of his own parents only. My parents even tried to talk some sense into my husband by calling him on the phone a few weeks ago to converse with him (as they used to get along so well beforehand). They were trying to save our marriage, but the conversation was useless as all he did was argue with them and become defensive of himself and critical of me.

My parents and I have met with an attorney, a few weeks ago. She says that she can get the marriage annulled rather than a divorce, as he never moved here to be with me. I just have to get her the documents she needs. I'm on the cusp of telling her to go forwards and prepare the annulment documents. But I'm sad to pull the trigger. I never wanted to leave him as I took my marriage vows seriously. I still care for him, even though the respect and trust is badly damaged. It also hurts when he says he doesn't want me to leave him either, but isn't willing to take any action or create any solution to our problems and continues to demand his way. I don't want to pull the trigger on my marriage, but it really isn't any sort of marriage. It breaks my heart. I guess I just need to get the courage to leave, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around breaking a marriage with someone who I still like. I'm 31 years old and he's 28. So I know that I need to move forwards with my life if I still want to have a family someday... but my heart still doesn't want to give up the fantasy that my husband might change and become the man who I always wanted him to be.  My H knows that I've met with the attorney, but it hasn't prompted any action from his side, other than a simple email 10 days ago saying that we should try to live together before splitting. He still hasn't bothered to call. I have felt like calling him, but haven't called him either in the last 2 weeks, as I just don't know what to say anymore.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If he did move to the states, would he be an additional responsibility to you financially, emotionally and logistically, on top of your medical school? It sounds like there is a possibility of that being the case. You have a lot on your plate. Probably you will succeed in medical school without a spouse, the one you have doesn't seem all that supportive. If you get your wish and he moved, it might not be so idyllic, and you'd be faced with walking away from yet more investment of your time and energy...maybe end up even more unwilling to let it go, due to the ticking biological clock.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I agree. He has an unhealthy attachment to his mom, and he has told me that he'd become depressed if he came here and lived with me without her. As such he hasn't moved here, since I'm unwilling for her to come live with us for 2 months at a time (which was his minimum compromise from 6 months). On top of this, he would have to undergo culture shock, as he's never lived in the US, or even visited here before. That would take about 2 years at least, in which he'd have to transition through periods of loss for his home country, grief, and a bundle of other strong emotions. So we haven't even begun that process of him acclimatizing to a new culture, which is enough to strain any marriage. And he is very educated in his country, but his degrees don't transfer... so job placement becomes another issue, as he'd be settling for a position way beneath his qualifications here. So I agree that there would be hardships with him coming, though I think the biggest hardship would be his culture shock. If we are already having these kinds of problems, I don't know what would be next. He and I are both stubborn, and he is unwilling to ever realize his mistakes or acknowledge them. I suspect he has some narcissistic or borderline personality traits. 

I don't want to lose him, but I don't want him to come here either if he is unhappy to do so (without his family). I will take him at his word that he may fall into a depression coming here, and that's not something else our marriage needs... as it was already strained from the beginning from his mom falling ill, and I had to support him through all that when we were just married and still relatively new to one another. (His mom is primarily better now, but her illness put about 7-8 months of severe strain on the marriage, as he went through very intense emotions and completely neglected the marriage.) I suspect he doesn't want to break up from me more due to the stigma of being divorced, rather than any true love for me. Although our marriage will probably get annulled rather than a divorce, I don't know if that would mean much to him as all of his friends know of our marriage.

Intellectually I think that walking away is the right decision. But emotionally I am stuck. I remember how much I hated the dating scene before I met my H. My H still has many nice qualities. I almost wonder if it would be better to fix what is broken rather than search around trying to find something new. But the thing is that my H doesn't think anything is wrong with him and doesn't want to be 'fixed'. I don't have a problem with his immaturity if he was able to see that he had a problem and want to work towards things. But if he doesn't want to work on himself, then what can one do? I even tried to have him speak to my therapist on the phone a few times, as I was desperate for any hope to fix the marriage. But he just said whatever he thought she wanted to hear at the time, and then badmouthed her afterwards. I can't fix this marriage by myself, as I need his help to change things. So I feel like I have no option to walk away, even though I don't want to leave. I am just hesitating as I don't want to regret leaving afterwards... as once I tell the attorney to process our documents, then all the money will be lost, and I don't think I would stop the process thereafter. But I don't want to regret leaving a H who still claimed to want to be with me and wanted to give the marriage a chance.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

_It's always difficult to discuss cultural norms within certain communities without running the risk of offending racial sensitivities, so forgive me if I offend anyone - apologies in advance if I do. _

I live in the UK (where there is a sizeable Indian population) and unfortunately over here it is recognised that some men brought up in traditional Indian households can find it difficult to assert their independence and to detach themselves from their families. I think you can find the same phenomenon in any community where families are very tight knit and boys are sometimes treated like "little princes" within their families and given everything that they want. Why would they want to leave that environment, and what opportunities do they have to mature emotionally if everything is handed to them on a plate? And just as they have always been waited on hand and foot by their mothers, they often expect that their wives will do exactly what they want, too. And that is usually just to fit in with their current lifestyle - to come and live with their family so that they can continue to enjoy the attention and the service. 

IMO any man who cannot make a clean break from his mother and put his wife first is trouble. He is setting his wife up for a constant battle with her mother in law. That often intensifies and comes to a head when the first baby comes along and the mother in law is always hovering in the background or interfering. Active grandparents are great but they need to give the couple space - and the mother has to be allowed to be in charge of her own child-rearing without being constantly second guessed. 

I would give him one last ultimatum and make the consequences very clear. Either he gets his a$$ over to the US within a certain timeframe with a clear agreement that his parents come for no more than X times per year for no more than 3 weeks at a time - or you seek the annulment. Make sure that his parents sign up to this too, because it would be very easy for them to arrive and just stay and stay and stay.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I would give him one last ultimatum and make the consequences very clear. Either he gets his a$$ over to the US within a certain timeframe with a clear agreement that his parents come for no more than X times per year for no more than 3 weeks at a time - or you seek the annulment. Make sure that his parents sign up to this too, because it would be very easy for them to arrive and just stay and stay and stay.


Thanks Voltaire, your assessment of him is spot on. He really is like a little prince over there.... definitely a boy rather than a man.

As far as the ultimatum goes, I did give him an ultimatum back in November last year. I told him he had until Jan 15th to get his visa paperwork mailed to me. (He was supposed to have it mailed to me in JULY last year, but kept procrastinating, so I finally made the ultimatum in November.) Even after I gave him another 2.5 months to get the work by Jan 15th (7.5 months past the original deadline), he kept poo-pooing things and making some excuse or the other about why he couldn't do the work... i.e. needing to take his mom for doctor's appointments, or needing to help his brother for arranging his brother's wedding, or not being able to take time off work to get the visa done. Then he would also lie to me about how he was making so much effort to get the visa stuff done (which he admitted to my parents later that it wasn't true, as he was intentionally procrastinating due to his fear of coming here as he thought I was a controlling person.)  So he already failed the ultimatum. As such our communication has dropped off significantly after mid-January, as I was very disappointed that he made no effort. I don't believe in ultimatums, but felt I had no option at that time, hence gave him one.

He sent me an email about 10 days ago saying the he wished he had put 100% effort into the relationship, and that he feels very sad. He even said "I think I still love you."  But it's again just talk and no action. He thinks I'm some kind of fool, who is willing to just listen to his sweet words even though he shows no proof of any care or responsibility for me. I'm tired of such emails, as I think it's just meant to manipulate me back into confusion and inertia and dragging this out longer, as he won't come up with any other solution other than to have things HIS way. I think he is still waiting for me to back down and accept his terms, thinking that I won't really go through with the marriage dissolution. I just fear that he may start begging me to give him another chance after the attorney contacts him (and he realizes that I was serious all along)... at which point I'd feel really torn, but may still proceed to the annulment.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I told his mom previously that he chose her over me. She just dismissed it and said that it is because he lives with her, but if he lived with me that would change. However, I think she was secretly happy I said that her son loves her more than me.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

rks1 said:


> So I feel like I have no option to walk away, even though I don't want to leave. I am just hesitating as I don't want to regret leaving afterwards.


I'm confused.  Are you trying to save your marriage or end it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He is apparently not interested in change.

So you need to either accept him the way he is. Or move on.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> I'm confused.  Are you trying to save your marriage or end it?


I'm not actively making any effort to save things anymore... as I tried so many times before, but couldn't get him to make efforts. I did whatever I could do from my side, gave him chance after chance to take a stand for me and be my man rather than his momma's boy... but he wouldn't put me first. At this point I have started to walk away... though just haven't finalized things yet. My IC has said over the last few months I am becoming more detached. I know I will be okay if we get the annulment, and I will do my best to live happily and not get depressed over this. 

I often hear people say that if someone left you it is because that person didn't care enough. But that is not my case. I DID care for him and did take my responsibilities as his wife seriously... yet I'm still walking away, because I know that I deserve to be loved as a wife should. Maybe the whole point of this thread is for someone to just validate for me that it is okay. That me leaving him doesn't mean that I never did care for him... because I did care. 

I'm not really looking forwards to dating again, because it will still take time to grieve the loss of him in my life. I also met a lot of odd characters before him, so I wonder what my life will be like after I am single again. There are fears of the unknown. But on the other hand, being in a relationship with him (my first relationship) was good for me. I learned a lot about myself in this process. I'm just sad that efforts from my side were not enough to save the marriage. I have begun to start the grieving process, though I don't think it will take full effect until after the annulment is processed. Some days I've had some anger or sadness, but other times I fall back into denial and just wish he'd call me again and romance me the way he did before we were married. He still makes me smile and I still feel like tickling or cuddling him. He does not understand how I can be so nice to him still as he always presumed that divorcing people hated each other (as that was what he saw in his society where divorce is relatively uncommon). I guess it's just in my nature to be compassionate and caring, as that is who I am. But it confuses me too and is part of what is causing the hesitation and why I'm writing the thread... as I wonder if it is right to leave someone you still care for and wish you could be with, who also doesn't want to divorce you. It doesn't make sense to leave when neither party doesn't want to divorce. But I can't live forever in this limbo. And even if he accepted the 3 week terms I set, I don't know if I could still accept him as all trust has been lost.

It's okay if you are confused about my situation. I'm confused too.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

In summary: if I hated his guts and couldn't stand the sight of him, it would be easier to leave. But when I still feel affectionately for him and miss him (and he still misses me), and when I consider the bleakness of going through the dating scene all over.... then I have hesitation (on the emotional level) of whether I should hang in there just a bit longer and let him grow into the position of a real husband.

But then my logical side kicks in and tells me that he can only mature if HE wants to, and he hasn't wanted to yet. Hence my ambivalence and flip-flopping on the issue. I'm still planning to go for the annulment. Maybe I'm just waiting for greater emotional strength before taking the plunge.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Maybe this thread also helps someone who has been left by his/her spouse. I might be the one more willing to walk away, but it doesn't mean this decision has been anything easy... as this is an incredibly difficult painful decision to leave someone you still love. I still want my H to be the man of my dreams, as he still gives me the butterflies and puts a silly grin on my face. But I can't accept someone who doesn't put me first. I love him, but I also love me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

rks1 said:


> I'm not actively making any effort to save things anymore... as I tried so many times before, but couldn't get him to make efforts. I did whatever I could do from my side, gave him chance after chance to take a stand for me and be my man rather than his momma's boy... but he wouldn't put me first. At this point I have started to walk away... though just haven't finalized things yet. My IC has said over the last few months I am becoming more detached. I know I will be okay if we get the annulment, and I will do my best to live happily and not get depressed over this.
> 
> I often hear people say that if someone left you it is because that person didn't care enough. But that is not my case. I DID care for him and did take my responsibilities as his wife seriously... yet I'm still walking away, because I know that I deserve to be loved as a wife should. Maybe the whole point of this thread is for someone to just validate for me that it is okay. That me leaving him doesn't mean that I never did care for him... because I did care.
> 
> ...


It's okay. It doesn't sound like much of a marriage, the way you describe the time together and the lack of emotional connection in addition to lack of physical connection.

Don't worry about dating. Worry about your education and getting the most out of those student loans. Take what you might invest in someone else and give it to yourself, energy and other resources. Self first, others later. Good lesson to learn for a doctor, too. Also there are plenty of men out there detached from their moms with good boundaries and capable of being mutually supportive in a relationship, and reasonable and willing to change and/or compromise. I have an adult son who is in year 3 of a relationship he started while in college. So I can vouch for at least one instance and I'm sure there are many more. Look for someone who takes good care of themselves and is balanced when it comes to personal relationships of all kinds. Someone who can make decisions for themselves. Like attracts like. Once you start living like that, you will attract others who are of the same mind.

Plus, you don't have to let go of your dreams. Just realize that the reality is not the same as potential. Chances are he won't change, you will get more of the same and be deeper in and at some point feel stuck and resentful. Spend some time imagining a dream life, not just about men, marriage and kids, but about your entire life and having your values supported at home and at work, etc.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

:thumbup: Incredibly helpful post, Homemaker. Thanks so much. It was what I needed to read, as it gives me strength to make this painful and challenging decision.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I hear what you're saying. If he was abusive or had a deep addiction to some illegal substance or treated you very badly, this decision would be a no-brainer. But when the relationship is so-so with some very happy times and quite a lot of bad times, one finds it hard to let go because the seductive voice in the back of the head that says "he could still change...why not give him another (third or fourth) chance?" 

It's human and quite understandable for you to feel what you're feeling now. Some people spend their entire lives in such relationships because they can't find the strength to move on. I commend you on at least entertaining the idea of ending this marriage. Some people never get to that point though they probably should. And the feelings you're feeling...those come from attachment. It's part of being human. We're supposed to attach ourselves to others because it's important to the survival of our species. Detaching from someone is HARD and very emotional. 

I've followed your story from the start along with all the cultural implications of you being here and him being in South Asia. In the time, you've written about your marriage, he hasn't changed much. I think unless he has some life altering epiphany, and I seriously doubt he will, he will go through life passively doing what his family wants. Having expectations of him are a source of disappointment for you. 

You are stronger than you think and you will get through this. And you are such a catch. A doctor, interested in fitness, kind to animals and caring to others...don't sell yourself short. You'll find someone who is far more compatible with you.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks so much for your kind words, Coffee. Words cannot do justice, so I will only say that I am deeply moved by what you have written. Thank you sincerely.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Well, I did it.

I finally wrote the email telling the attorney to go forwards with drafting the annulment agreement. (She had been holding onto the check that we gave her, and was just waiting for me to tell her when I was ready to proceed with the annulment, as I had been hesitating.)

I thank you all for your support. I was already knowing intellectually that I needed to do this, but just needed the extra validation to help me overcome the emotional barrier. I was already sitting on the edge of making my decision and just needed someone to give me that final tiny nudge.

It's going to be a rough next few months emotionally. And even worse, my national board exams will go on from June til August, so I have to do my best to stay focused on academics and not let this get me down... as these exams are CRITICAL to my career success, and will determine what medical specialty I end up going into or which area of the country I move to after graduation. Right now I feel fairly calm, as I don't think I've fully realized what I've just done... but I know the emotions will surely flare up soon. I'm just going to do my best to remain focused on my studies as much as I can and will likely start to process my grief after the annulment is complete. Thanks again everyone.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

_EDIT: I obviously wrote the message below whilst you were posting your last message - so you have already taken these steps. Good luck._

rks1, to add to what Coffee Amore has said, I have similar mixed feelings to yours. My wife has left me and she has done some terrible, hurtful things (affair that has been rubbed in my face, including pictures on the internet). Friends and family tell me that I am so much better off without her - and yet I would still be willing to consider reconciliation if a genuine opportunity arose. Everyone thinks I'm crazy - and a large part of me thinks that too. So I can absolutely understand where you are coming from.

You have already made at least one ultimatum that you have not acted on. He therefore thinks that your words are empty and that he can continue to string you along. So far, he's absolutely right.

I would just leave it and do nothing further until you have absolutely, 100% made up your mind. Assuming that your decision is that you would like to fight for your marriage but that you are prepared to walk away if he does not change, then you need to make one last ultimatum. Unfortunately, because you have not acted on your previous ultimatums, you need to do something different to make this ultimatum credible. Just another email won't cut it - he won't take it seriously which means that he will not understand that he really is finally being made to make a choice. And you need him to understand that, and understand that you really are prepared to walk away. 

I'm not quite sure how you can do that, but perhaps you could get a letter from a lawyer and/or take the fist steps towards the annulment and attach the paperwork to the email to show him that you are serious.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks Voltaire. I'm sorry to hear about your issues with your wife. I can only imagine how hard the situation has been for you. 

I think that's the problem with trust breaking... as once lost, a doubt always remains. 

He could come crying to me after hearing from the lawyer... and I'd never really know whether he was sincere, or just trying to manipulate me to feel bad for him again. If I truly believed he was determined to make the marriage work with every fiber of his being, then I'd still give him another chance. But I've been neglected and manipulated for so long, that I'd be highly skeptical if he comes to me with any claims of wanting to save the marriage as the trust is badly broken. I wouldn't believe him this time.

As such, I'm feeling that my decision to contact the attorney was the right one. It is still sad regardless, as these weren't ordinary relationships, as we went as far as to marry the other person. We had hopes and dreams of having kids together and spending our old age with one another... and now that'll never happen. It's tragic in some regards. But at the same time, I believe in being true to myself and know it is good to not stick around with someone who neglects me and belittles my feelings.

I spent the weekend with my family, and it was good for me to be around others instead of coming home to my empty place. Having support right now is critical.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I agree with the others that this isn't much of a marriage unfortunately. Are you both Indian? How long did you date before marriage?

Yes, go ahead with the anullment. If he has a change of heart, he can do something before it is final but I wouldn't count on it as like you said he is too attached to his mother.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I got a generic email from him an hour ago with one of his new recipes for me to try out (as we used to have fun coming up with new vegan recipes together). Getting an email from him leaves me grinning from ear to ear. Even though he hasn't been acting like a husband to me, I'm always happy to hear from him and I think he feels the same, as he usually seems happy to get hear from me. It's been 3 weeks since we spoke on the phone, and 9 days since I last responded to his emails. I can't comprehend how this is over forever. I know that the attorney must not have contacted him yet. I don't know how he'll take hearing from her. When he contacts me, it pulls me back, and makes me wonder why I'm leaving someone I still love. Those past happy memories come back, and I just want to be in his arms again. But then the harsh reality that he wasn't willing to put me first in his life resurfaces, and I can only sigh and try to move on with my day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

rks1 said:


> When he contacts me, it pulls me back, and makes me wonder why I'm leaving someone I still love. Those past happy memories come back, and I just want to be in his arms again.


Yes, but what does it pull you back to? Unfortunately, the idea of living a full married life with him in the US, with him putting you first and his family second, is just a fantasy. It's a fantasy because he won't make the commitment required.

So you are pining for something that you never had. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Look at it this way. In starting the legal process you are giving him one last chance. You are making it 100% clear that you are prepared to walk away if he does not fulfill his duties as a husband. You are giving him a very clear choice. He did not think that he had to make that choice before, because he did not take your ultimatums seriously. Now that he knows that he has to make that choice, you win either way. Either you get the husband you want, or you find out for sure that he will never be that husband and you can move on with your life without wasting any more months and years.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Tigger said:


> I agree with the others that this isn't much of a marriage unfortunately. Are you both Indian? How long did you date before marriage?


We are both of East Indian origin... he is Indian, and I'm Indian-American as I was born and raised in the US. Some of our values are common, and some are quite different.



Voltaire said:


> Yes, but what does it pull you back to? Unfortunately, the idea of living a full married life with him in the US, with him putting you first and his family second, is just a fantasy. It's a fantasy because he won't make the commitment required.
> 
> Now that he knows that he has to make that choice, you win either way. Either you get the husband you want, or you find out for sure that he will never be that husband and you can move on with your life without wasting any more months and years.


I agree 1,000% with everything you've written. I KNOW logically that I'm doing the right thing. I have no doubt in my mind about that. But it's like the person who is a sugar addict who knows that she has to stop eating candy and cookies for her health, but still has cravings for those foods. Similarly, I still crave my H's presence and affection, even though I know he hasn't been a good H to me... as I've been badly neglected in our so-called 'marriage'. Hence I know I will have some kind of withdrawal with letting go, and will come to this site to get support to help me get through the transition... until I feel solid enough to go forwards on my own. I do appreciate all that you've written as it helps reinforce what I already know to be true in my mind.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> Sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing you to include his mom in your marriage. This isn't a red flag, it's a *red line* . Remember, you can't have 3 people in a relationship. When your relationship with your DH (or STBXH) is as strained as it is now, you'll be less welcoming of an 'in-law' in your house let alone entertaining them.


Totally agree. I tried to explain to him that I won't have his mom in our marriage, which only made him upset as he started some kind of counter-attack (even though I wasn't really attacking him in the first place). If he were someone who actually HAD a healthy relationship with his mother, then I wouldn't mind her staying for 1-1.5 month at a time or so. But because it isn't healthy, that only makes it more important to set proper boundaries. 

For example, he and his mom sleep on one bed in one room, and his dad sleeps in a separate room. Or sometimes his dad will pull up a portable cot and sleep in the same room, with his dad being on the cot, and my H and his mom sharing the bed. I have told my H that it would be more appropriate if he just lets his mom and dad sleep together, and that he could sleep alone instead in the other room... as it would benefit his parents' relationship if they had time alone together. (It also affects my relationship with him as well, as I can't call him if I need at night, as I don't want to wake his mom up from sleep. If he were in his own room, we'd have more flexibility to talk to one another.) When I said this, my H just got upset and told me that if his mom wants to sleep in the same room as him, he isn't going to stop that... and that I'm being controlling again as it isn't my place to say what goes on between him and his parents. (I understand his perspective and agree that it isn't my place to butt in by providing this unsolicited advice, as it can be perceived as controlling. But I was only trying to be constructive by suggesting healthier boundaries.) Although I have no control over what he does when he is with them.... I would definitely not be okay if he sleeps in his mom's room when she comes to visit, and I'm left sleeping alone in our room. 



bluelaser said:


> If and when you pull the plug on your marriage, to end the emotional roller coaster, you need to start with NC. This means making the hard choice of telling him to stop calling and sending you emails. . If you find yourself unable to do this on your own (i.e. addicted) you'll need to get yourself a sponsor. Good luck!


I know that we will have to enforce NC soon enough. I agree. If I struggle to do this, I'll either talk to my family or I will come here and post rather than call him.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I got a response from the attorney today, stating she would prepare the documents by the end of the week.

This evening I was reading online about the impact of annulment, and I came to know it could affect his ability to immigrate in the future if based on fraud. Although he hasn't been honest with me fully about his intentions, I don't want to hurt him should he choose to immigrate to the US in the future (though I have no idea if he really wants to or not, as he has only mentioned the possibility of further studies in the US or UK a few times in the past). As such I wrote to the attorney that if the annulment will be based on grounds of fraud, then we can just do a regular divorce instead. So we'll see. Having an annulment would be more socially acceptable in my community (as Indian people tend to look down on divorcees), but I am not going to live my life by hurting someone else, as I don't want that on my conscience.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

rks1 said:


> This evening I was reading online about the impact of annulment, and I came to know it could affect his ability to immigrate in the future if based on fraud. Although he hasn't been honest with me fully about his intentions, I don't want to hurt him should he choose to immigrate to the US in the future (though I have no idea if he really wants to or not, as he has only mentioned the possibility of further studies in the US or UK a few times in the past). As such I wrote to the attorney that if the annulment will be based on grounds of fraud, then we can just do a regular divorce instead. So we'll see. Having an annulment would be more socially acceptable in my community (as Indian people tend to look down on divorcees), but I am not going to live my life by hurting someone else, as I don't want that on my conscience.


By all means be kind, but don't "own" his actions. In many ways he has defrauded you - he got married on the basis of a false promise. In any case, the annulment is the result of his actions, not yours. You should not feel bad about it, and nor should you feel guilty because he is forcing you to take certain actions because of his lies and betrayal. If you have to do it, you have to do it - and you should do it with a clear conscience.

If divorcees are looked down on in the Indian community why should you have to bear this stigma for the rest of your life just because he entered into a marriage contract that he had no intention of keeping? 

If he won't move to the US for you, why should he ever again get the opportunity to move to the US?

Lastly, I presume that the ideal outcome for you would be for the annulment papers to jolt him into action and for him to get him backside in gear and move to the US (with the promise that the parents won't impose themselves on you for months at a time). If that is what you really want, you won't get that without serving the papers. Then it's up to him. if the marriage ends up being annulled, then that's his choice not yours. And BTW, you should not agree to lift the threat of annulment until his is actually living with you in the US - not just because he makes yet another empty promise to get his paperwork together.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

He sleeps on the same bed with his mother and the father sleeps in a different room? Say what?! That's bizarre and not at all what Indian families I know do. You weren't kidding when you said he is far too close to his mother. It's like he's taken over the father's role of being the mother's confidant, best friend, and companion. So not a healthy dynamic when the father is still present, married to the mother and willing to assume those roles.

By all means be reasonable, but don't put his future potential interests ahead of your own well-being. If he won't move to the US now for his wife, I seriously doubt he would move here in the future to study. He doesn't seem like the type to do that. Most Indian people I've known from the Subcontinent would have jumped at the chance to move to the US. They wouldn't have dragged their feet for so long as he has. They would have done the immigration paperwork as soon as they could. I think he will not immigrate. India has too much of a hold on him. And it would be so costly to move to the US to study and from what you've said of his family (he shared clothes with the brother; the family has no car), it doesn't sound like they have the financial means to sponsor his education in the US or UK. So don't put his remote possiblity of studying in the US or UK ahead of your interests. The idea of "hurt" to him from an annulment is pretty remote.


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## candeelian (Apr 30, 2013)

What if after you have made up your mind and proceeded with the paper work, as soon as he received your documents, he said that he regretted what he did and would now want to live with you, blah..., what would you do?

Would it be difficult for you when the timing is wrong? i.e. when you love him, he doesn't love you enough. When your love to him is died, he comes back saying he wakes up now.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

blue laser - I am not sure why you need to do a point by point analysis of my post and I think you're not getting the point I was making. I know that she didn't marry him for his money. That's pretty obvious. There's a huge wealth disparity between her family (doctors) and his (laborers). My point was that she doesn't really have to worry about jeopardizing his chances to study abroad if she goes ahead with an anulment instead of a divorce. It's very unlikely that he would ever study in the US or UK given his family status. His family simply can't afford to send him overseas. They can't even afford a car! So him saying he might study abroad some day is like me saying I'll run for the US Senate some day. It's just talk. She shouldn't switch to a divorce simply because of something like that. He's said so many things to her that haven't happened.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

How are you doing, rks1? Did your attorney contact your STBXH in India?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> How are you doing, rks1? Did your attorney contact your STBXH in India?


Hey Coffee, my attorney hasn't contacted him yet, though I'm expecting her to do any day now. I had written her last week 2 emails: The first email was the one I mentioned previously, asking her to make sure she doesn't hurt him with any unfair allegations during the annulment process and that I would rather divorce rather than hurt him. She wrote me back saying that in this case there may be a greater chance that the judge will grant a divorce rather than an annulment, and that she'd try to get the documents done by the end of the week (which was last week). However, I wrote her an email the next day (after reading this thread, and yours and Voltaire's comments which helped firm me up). I wrote to her saying that I would still prefer the annulment and that I won't be a martyr for him, though I still want her to do things as gently and honestly as she can, without causing him any unnecessary pain.

So it's been over a week now since she said she'd send me the documents. Probably she has been busy, or perhaps she thought that I would flip-flop on my stance again... and thus was waiting for me to seem more resolute on what I wanted to do before taking the time to formulate the documents. Regardless, I'm sure I'll be hearing from her soon, and likely he will too.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

It's been 5 weeks since he and I talked on the phone. He has not emailed much either. He had sent me that recipe last week. I initially didn't reply, but when I was looking at his email days later, I noticed that he had attached pictures of the recipe in progress and I was touched that he went through the effort to do that. So I just wrote him a one-liner email complimenting the recipe. He in-turn wrote me days after my response, a very brief email thanking me for teaching him and inspiring him to try out these vegan recipes.

So minimal email communication and no phone communication with him in a really long time. I still have my moments where I miss him and feel sad. But overall, I am feeling continuously better about my decision to contact the attorney and know it needed to happen. I will be okay. I'm just waiting to see what will happen once she contacts him... whether he'll take things in stride, or whether all hell will break loose. I have no idea.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

It strikes me with some discomfort when I read your use of the word 'STBXH'. Even though I realize that is what he IS, it is the first time I have noticed anyone using the term to describe him. It's nothing you did wrong at all, but my own internal cringing to see him referenced that way, and the sense of loss that comes with it. But as I said above, I'm going forward and not backtracking currently. The sense of loss will still be there though... I suppose I'll have similar feelings of loss when the process is over and people start to refer to him as my 'ex-H', rather than my H. It takes time to transition.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sounds like you're doing as well as can be in a difficult situation. 



rks1 said:


> It strikes me with some discomfort when I read your use of the word 'STBXH'. Even though I realize that is what he IS, it is the first time I have noticed anyone using the term to describe him. It's nothing you did wrong at all, but my own internal cringing to see him referenced that way, and the sense of loss that comes with it. But as I said above, I'm going forward and not backtracking currently. The sense of loss will still be there though... I suppose I'll have similar feelings of loss when the process is over and people start to refer to him as my 'ex-H', rather than my H. It takes time to transition.


I'm sorry for using that term. 
I think the feeling of loss will be there for a long time. He's not an evil person and neither are you for moving forward. I know it's easy for us to say move on, things will get better, you have a bright future ahead of you, find someone new who can be the husband you need and so on. But it will be very, very painful for you once the die is cast. And if you need some more time to take the final step, take the time. There's no need to rush it until you feel ready.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Sounds like you're doing as well as can be in a difficult situation.
> 
> I'm sorry for using that term.


Oh! No apologies at all... I'm glad you used that term, and you and others are welcome to do so. He IS my STBXH, that's the fact. It was just that the term hit home a bit, as the reality of what is to be stung... not anything you or anyone said. It's just a process of letting go of the hope for a miracle (that was there before), and coming to terms with the reality that this relationship is indeed over.

Thanks for all of your kind support... I do appreciate it.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I am doing pretty well these days, much better than expected. I am being friendly with everyone, including guys. No flirting AT ALL... but just generally chatting with people. It's nice when I have other guys happy to chat with me. I won't be ready to date for awhile, at least not until the papers are finalized. But it feels good to at least get out and be friendly with other men, and strike up conversations.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Interesting development today:

After coming back home from a hike with my parents and breakfast, I opened up my mailbox and found a package from my H.... sent from India. (He hasn't sent me anything for months.) Inside is a collection of jewelry (5 anklets, 4 bracelets, 5 chains). It's nothing expensive, but he and I used to shop together for this kind of boutique jewelry when I was in India in the past. He knew that I wanted more of this stuff, as I had mentioned it several months ago. Seeing his package made me cry a bit.... as it reminded me of how romantic he used to be in the past, bringing me flowers, pretty Indian clothes, etc. It was sent out over 2 weeks ago on 4/25, the day before I contacted the attorney to tell her to proceed forwards with the marriage dissolution. We still haven't talked in over 5 weeks as he hasn't called. He did send another email today, but it was just a one-liner mentioning the good weather in his city (and not saying anything else).

Not knowing how to respond to his gifts, I called my mom and told her about the package. She said "Why did he have to bother to do that now?" She also seemed confused and even angry. I think she thought that this may pull me back into the past. She reminded me "Focus on your studies and don't bother about him now. This is the same guy who was insulting you when we last called him last month. He has taken enough of your life away."

For me, this hasn't changed anything as I'm still proceeding towards that annulment/divorce. But it has given me some sad feelings. A well-meaning SINCERE heartfelt call to say "I'm sorry for all the pain I caused" would have meant more than any jewelry or trite emails about the weather. I don't really understand his point in all of this. I wanted his sincerity, honesty, and love so much over the last 1.5 year, and he deprived me of that... and now when I'm trying to move on, these gestures make it more difficult.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I just sent him a 2-line email saying "thank you for the anklets, bracelets, etc. You didn't have to do that, but it was nice of you." I kept the email simple. I'm sure he might feel hurt that I didn't say more, as he probably put in a lot of effort picking out all these things for me. And the postage was also costly (for him). But I just didn't know what more to say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know you are going through some sadness here as you really wanted this marriage to work. However, it sounds like you are doing what is best for you in the long run.

You seem to be handling all this very well.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I just wanted to add... that it might have sounded presumptuous in my posts earlier today to think that these gifts were his attempts to reconcile, being that he has never even made the effort to call me. I have really no idea what is in his head. They could have just been farewell gifts, as there were so many of them, and it might have been his way of making sure I was 'stocked up' for the future, since he would no longer be buying me trinkets again. When my parents talked to him over a month ago (in attempts to salvage our marriage), they told me afterwards that he did not seem at all like he wanted to make the marriage work, as he just insulted and blamed me for everything... and was steadfast that he had no intent to move here without his mother being able to live with us.

Anyway, I admit that today I was set back by his gifts (just as my mom expected... she knows me too well). I wasted the last 7 hours feeling emotional rather than studying. I will put them away and focus again on my exams, as I have to pass them in 10 days and really need to keep focused.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that his gifts did this to you. Putting them away for now so you don't hurt your exams is a good move. 

Things will get better with time.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

He was excited to know that I'd gotten the package, as he didn't think it would arrive. He wrote me back asking which gifts I liked best. I stated that the gifts were all nice, and I couldn't chose the best one... as he always had good taste. But I was still sad that the marriage didn't work out.

Then he called last night to say hi and talk about the package arriving. (He loves appreciation and flattery, so it's no wonder he called in anticipation of it.) I was neutral and didn't say much, while he did most of the talking. He talked about all the hoops he had to jump through to mail me the package. He seemed excited and nervous, which reminded me of how nervous he was the first time we met each other. He chatted for about 10 minutes before he had to go back to work... not about anything specifically, just generally. He mentioned that he had tried calling me about 10 days ago, but I was out at then. As he ended the call to go back to work, he said "miss you", and I just said "bye".

It's almost sad to me that he is so happy about sending me gifts. I don't know if this is his way of making the relationship better... that buying me a few things will make all of our problems go away. It doesn't work like that. I expect to get the attorney documents any day now, so at this point, I don't know how to react to him. I still care, and it soothes me to hear his voice, though I know at the same time, that the last time I'll ever hear it is fast approaching.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> Well, now you know why enforcing NC is important when you are trying to separate from someone you still have feelings for


Although I'm not initiating any contact with him, I'm not enforcing NC. I don't reply to most of his messages; however, once in awhile I will respond, especially if there is something he put a more effort in.... such as sending me the gifts, or taking photos for me. My intention is to get through this process as smoothly as possible, and I don't want him to harbor negative feelings for me by being unkind to him. So although I ignore most emails, I will respond to a few choice ones. And I will briefly chat with him if he makes the effort to call, although I don't call him myself.

I think NC will finally start fully once the papers are finalized. We already talk 95% less than we used to before... so it's almost no contact at present.



bluelaser said:


> He seems scared of losing you, even more than you are of losing him. In a strange way it must have lifted your spirits because after 1.5 yrs of feeling helpless and weak you can sense the power shifting towards you. (is the pig starting to squeal? )


Hm, are you implying that I am enjoying this process? I'm not sure what you mean. This is not any sort of pleasurable experience for me.... as I would much rather be in a loving committed relationship than the mess I'm in right now. It's a sad thing to go through, where he ever ends up regretting his actions or not.

I am not sure if he is scared of losing me or not. We've talked minimally since February. And even that time, he would sound really excited when we'd talk after a month lapse... yet that didn't cause him to suddenly want to be with me either again, as another month would go by without us speaking. I really am clueless as to what is in his head.



bluelaser said:


> Why didn't you tell him about the divorce papers that you are about to serve him? :scratchhead:


I already told him on April 3rd that I was meeting with the attorney and that I needed his address so that we can mail him papers. So I don't really see the point now in bringing up the issue over and over, as it will just seem like empty threats until he receives the papers.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to post... I do appreciate it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

rks1 said:


> He was excited to know that I'd gotten the package, as he didn't think it would arrive. He wrote me back asking which gifts I liked best. I stated that the gifts were all nice, and I couldn't chose the best one... as he always had good taste. But I was still sad that the marriage didn't work out.
> 
> Then he called last night to say hi and talk about the package arriving. (He loves appreciation and flattery, so it's no wonder he called in anticipation of it.) I was neutral and didn't say much, while he did most of the talking. He talked about all the hoops he had to jump through to mail me the package. He seemed excited and nervous, which reminded me of how nervous he was the first time we met each other. He chatted for about 10 minutes before he had to go back to work... not about anything specifically, just generally. He mentioned that he had tried calling me about 10 days ago, but I was out at then. As he ended the call to go back to work, he said "miss you", and I just said "bye".
> 
> It's almost sad to me that he is so happy about sending me gifts. I don't know if this is his way of making the relationship better... that buying me a few things will make all of our problems go away. It doesn't work like that. I expect to get the attorney documents any day now, so at this point, I don't know how to react to him. I still care, and it soothes me to hear his voice, though I know at the same time, that the last time I'll ever hear it is fast approaching.


When I read this I felt bad for both of you. Of course you care and he cares too. It's hard to detach isn't it when he does seemingly thoughtful gestures like sending jewelry to you? I agree it may be a way of making the relationship better. Sometimes men think sending flowers or giving a gift will heal rifts in the relationship. Or it could be that gifts are his Love Language (from the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman). 
Wishing you the best in the difficults weeks to come...


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

rks1 said:


> I already told him on April 3rd that I was meeting with the attorney and that I needed his address so that we can mail him papers. So I don't really see the point now in bringing up the issue over and over, as it will just seem like empty threats until he receives the papers.


April 3rd is over a month ago and he hasn't seen the papers, so he probably already thinks that it is yet another empty threat from you. That's probably why he went quiet on you for a few weeks and then got back in touch with you recently - to test the waters.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I've been really emotional today. Felt really alone this morning. Feeling pretty upset this evening. I'm not in my normally calm easy-going state.

I feel like calling him right now. It's almost 6:30am his time, and I know he'll be asleep on his bed with his mother. Don't care if I wake them up... I am his F'in wife, damnit, and I have every right to speak to my husband who I have only talked 10 minutes with in the last 6 weeks.  I'm sure he'll act like I'm bothering him.... as he wakes up at 7:15am to start his work at 7:30am (works from home). And never has any time to talk to me as he's always working to earn income for him and his parents there. No responsibility towards me. 

Don't really know what I want to talk about... nothing really. Just feeling a sense of loss right now and the accompanying anger, sadness and other feelings that go along with it. 

I know calling just to cry would make me look like a fool, as I don't know what I would say when he picks up the phone. I should probably go punch my sofa instead and get my frustrations out more constructively.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> April 3rd is over a month ago and he hasn't seen the papers, so he probably already thinks that it is yet another empty threat from you. That's probably why he went quiet on you for a few weeks and then got back in touch with you recently - to test the waters.


Yes, I'm sure he doesn't believe that I will do anything. I haven't heard from the attorney since telling her to go forwards with the documents on April 26th. So the delay is no longer from my side, as I did what I had to. 

Even though I am going forwards, there is still a grieving process... anger and sadness. Disappointment in the lack of success of the marriage. Anger because I took my vows seriously and he didn't. I just want to ask him "How could you?"... so much dishonesty by omission. I suspect he never ever really did love me to put me through this much heartache.

I think I will go talk a walk outside. Getting up from the computer and getting some fresh air may help me regain composure and I may not call him... or at least I would be more calm and composed in case I did call.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

parker said:


> I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time.


Thank you for saying that.

Actually I am just venting my thoughts, and don't always expect people to respond to my thread unless there are any new updates. I just need a place to write out my feelings.

After my walk, I did end up calling him a few hours ago. He was actually just getting up as his alarm had been going off, but my call finally got him up. The students he coaches were on their way over in 10 minutes to his place.... so he talked to me for 15 minutes and had them waiting for 5 minutes. I was perfectly composed and talked to him politely, though he could probably feel some sadness in my voice. He left me hanging at the end as he had to go. He told me he'd call me back at his next break 3 hours later.... so I'm expecting him to call back in a little bit. 

I don't really know what to say. I am hurting and I miss him, even though I realize that he will likely never be the person I needed him to be. I know I will have to go NC at some point... but today I just want to talk a little more to my STBXH. It's been 6 weeks, and a good talk would be nice if he actually does make the time, or if he merely offers me 10 minutes again...


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

So he and I talked last night for about 40 minutes, as he did call back when he said he would. In some ways the conversation was useless, as he still doesn't take responsibility for anything. I could tell he feels sexually frustrated, as his brother married after us, and has been living with his wife since December. His brother is having sex and he isn't.... though it isn't my fault, as it was his choice that we haven't seen each other the last 14 months, since he never made the effort to finish his visa paperwork and get here. From our talk last night, it was clear to me that I care far more for him than he cares for me. He told me that his family wanted to find him another girl, as they told him "Don't worry, we'll find you a pretty girl". I got the feeling last night that he is craving a woman in his life, and that woman doesn't really need to be me. He claimed he has not had sex with anyone else or been in love with anyone else since I last saw him March 2012.

In some way maybe the conversation was needed also, as there is just no progress to be had here. I have had a sick pitting nauseous feeling in my stomach since yesterday, the way I used to have with prior relationships when I would be rejected. Despite the fact that he was the one saying he still wanted to come be with me (if I allowed his parents to come), there was still a deep sense of rejection that I felt in this conversation. He will always blame me for the demise of our marriage, without any consideration of the fact that all the effort for this marriage came nearly exclusively from my side. Yet I was not even given one single bit of compassion. There was never any thought about how I've been feeling, or how my life is going on here without him being present for me. Nope. I think the only thought in his mind is that he needs some T & A. (He didn't say this, it's just how I felt talking to him when he was mentioning that his brother was having sex. The frustration in his voice was very much there.) There was never a sense of giving from him, never a sense of wanting to make my life or my day better.... it always just seemed to be what he could GET from me to fulfill his own needs. I guess most relationships are like that, where people want to take more than give to the other person. But it's just sad. He ended the conversation saying that he'd call me sometime... but I know that "I'll call you" (without a specific timeframe) might mean a few hours later, or several weeks. It's meaningless. It's hard to believe this person who seems to care so little for me or my feelings could have ever been my husband.

I am truly heartsick right now. My exams are in 3 days... but it's hard to think of them when my spirit feels broken.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

He did not call this morning to talk (evening for him). I wish I had meant enough to him to call. It's incredulous to me how he can not call, even knowing that I am hurting so much. Each day of neglect is truly heartwrenchingly unbearable to me. Even though I know we are headed towards marital dissolution, this process hurts like no other.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

zappy 882000 said:


> Why don't you go to India after your exam and live with him for a couple of months and then hopefully you both could come together to US.
> Zappy


Going to India again is not an option. I already made 3 trips to India in the past to see him... and he could not even do his part to complete the visa paperwork to move to the US for me. I'm in my final year of medical school. I have no plans to take time off school at present just to go chase around the world after someone who doesn't care enough to even call me when he knows I'm hurting.



zappy 882000 said:


> I hope and pray that you will be all right no matter what and you will again be very happy very soon.
> Zappy


Thank you... I appreciate that. I hope I will also be okay soon too. I don't know why these emotions are suddenly coming out of me, but I long for the day when I'm finally with the man I'm meant to be with and my xH and his unkindness is a distant memory.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

zappy 882000 said:


> rks1 - you are a good woman and you value your marriage.
> 
> Why don't you go to India after your exam and live with him for a couple of months and then hopefully you both could come together to US.
> 
> ...


Zappy - I can see several reasons why she can't just leave for India and live there for several months. Can't you? She's a new doctor. She's required to complete a rigorous medical training period of several years following graduation from medical school. She's already started that direct training at the hospital. The hours are long and the requirements are long. Also, she's mentioned several times, she has huge student loans. She can't afford to just leave for another country. She has to consider the impact living in India will have on her future income. Even going away for several months could impact her student loans depending on how the loans are set up. 

The one who should do the moving is the husband. He knew going into this marriage she wanted him in the US. 

Zappy, don't make multiple accounts. The moderators notice such things.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

rks1 said:


> He did not call this morning to talk (evening for him). I wish I had meant enough to him to call. It's incredulous to me how he can not call, even knowing that I am hurting so much. Each day of neglect is truly heartwrenchingly unbearable to me. Even though I know we are headed towards marital dissolution, this process hurts like no other.


I'm sorry...words are so inadequate in such a situation. I hope you can find some joy each day in other things even though it can't compare to what you're longing for.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

How are you doing, rks1? You must be busy with your medical work. I hope you get some time off for yourself during this long Memorial Day weekend.


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