# Husband disagrees with my perception of my appearance.



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I am the fattest I have ever been in my life, yet I am also the most in love and the happiest. :smthumbup:

I was a size 2 when I was 18. I started to take more than one medication that caused weight gain, along with The Pill. Eleven years later, I am a size 12. I feel fat and ugly, so I am going to start excercising. Of course, size 12 is not necessarily fat...it is just how I feel about my appearance.

In the past, I have not given myself time to slowly ramp up my exercise....I did too much right at the beginning and then by the third day, I could barely move. So I am going to do my favorite exercises, which are walking and yoga. I will then add some cardio. 

The issue is, my husband gets upset and confused, when I point out my weight and admire the women in magazines. :scratchhead:He made me promise to keep my curves and he loves to tell me that I am beautiful. I don't understand how he doesn't see my spare tire, it is so obvious. Don't men want thin wives? My husband does not want me to drop more than two sizes, but I want to drop six.


I don't get it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like he loves you for who you are and how you look. 

However, he shouldn't "make" you promise to keep your curves, because if that is something you are not happy with and want to change it, then that's your right. Its your body.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm a size 12 too. It's not that fat, at least on me, but I'm 5'7".

I've lost 40 pounds in the past 10 months...it wasn't easy but after surgery it was easier to lose weight.

Hubs loves my curves. I am the size I was when I met him 

I was a size 5 before my first child. Then I was an 8. Then a 10.

My breasts are huge though LOL When I was size 5, I was a 32B. Now, 34D.  I'm not complaining.

Hubs likes my butt. He said not to lose it. I am still trying to lose weight though--- for myself. I don't think Hubs will care. 

I think most grown men want real women. My husband doesn't like skinny women and skinny isn't attractive anyway. Skinny these days seems to be the ideal....but to me, I just want to cook them a meal.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'm a size 12 too. It's not that fat, at least on me, but I'm 5'7".
> 
> I've lost 40 pounds in the past 10 months...it wasn't easy but after surgery it was easier to lose weight.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: I could hug you.

Your husband sounds just like mine; he loves to grab at my breasts and butt too. I love love love being top heavy!  Filled out my wedding dress very nicely.

It's so wonderful that our husband's celebrate our curves. Sometimes when I complain, my husband gives me a kiss and offers me some nice snack. :rofl:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Often when my wife complains about her looks I give her grief because she looks beautiful to me and I tell her so.

She claims I have the image of her when we met 14 years ago burned into my mind and that`s the only way I can perceive her.

I`m pretty sure she`s wrong though, she`s hot as hell and I don`t see how she could think otherwise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think the real solution is to eat what you want, but to ensure you are toned and healthy.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My wife and I both have gained a few pounds over the years. We both have tired to eat better and exercise more. I love her the way she is though and I feel she feels the same about me. 

However, if she was unhappy with her looks/weight, and she wanted to do something about it, I would want her to do something about it because its how she feels, not how I feel. 

We are still individuals, so she needs to it for herself if she feels it will make her feel better about her self. I love her no matter what, but she has to feel good about herself too.


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## sxLess (Oct 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I think most grown men want real women.


:iagree: :smthumbup:

My girlfriend complains to me all the time about how she feels fat and how it's impossible that I can find her attractive and I always disagree. I think she's drop-dead gorgeous but she wont believe me. If your husband is telling you this, he means it. Spare him the angst, trust him on this one.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My wedding dress is HUGE on me 

We married 7 months after the birth of our daughter and I was 40 pounds heavier.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If you feel good about your weight then thats what matters. If your husband feels good about it, thats just a added bonus! :smthumbup:

When you complain what kind of nice snack is your husband offering?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think everyone likes what they like when it comes to appearance. Did your husband fall in love with you when you were 18 and a size 2? Or when you were older and more filled out? We all have our tastes and it's a good thing too!

I think most women though get this mental picture of whenever they were at their "best"...usually meaning smallest. Then try to get back to it the rest of their whole lives. I know that as crazy as it is, I would LOVE to be as small as I was last year when I literally could not eat for 6 months. I was SICK! But my mind still loves the number on the jeans I was wearing, you know?

I have to tell you though, between simply getting older and the meds that you've mentioned in the past that contributed to the weight gain....you'll most likely lose weight differently than you have before. Slower, and in different places. I've been in the same place from the lovely combo of marriage and meds and I lost about 70 pounds dieting before I got sick. I ended up losing very little on top, more on the bottom. So it can be done! And the good part about going slow is that it gives you a chance to see where you're at and decide when enough is enough and you're good where you're at!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My best wasn't my smallest. At my smallest I looked like a boy LOL

My best was about 20 pounds lighter than now...curvy and tight.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Marilyn Monroe would be considered FAT in this day & age, by the standards we have now, some of those models are near anorexic . Some men like some meat on your bones, if you are not real short, that size may do you very pleasingly. 

It is important for us to like the way we look ourselves but if he is seriously telling you HE is HAPPY with you how you are NOW , with you so willingly offering to loose some, then he must be telling you the truth! and what a blessing that is. At least no pressure from him, this is a real plus, even if you still choose to take a few lbs off. 

I have always found eating less easier for me to loose, I hate to exercise. I would rather go to work , go do some job in the yard, I have dug many ditches, I would even prefer that, or go ride bikes on a trail somewhere, almost anything -other than taking 30 mintes and wearing yourself out. I have no discipline here at all. I guess that is why some join a class, keeps them accountable.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> The issue is, my husband gets upset and confused, when I point out my weight and admire the women in magazines. :scratchhead:He made me promise to keep my curves and he loves to tell me that I am beautiful. I don't understand how he doesn't see my spare tire, it is so obvious. Don't men want thin wives? My husband does not want me to drop more than two sizes, but I want to drop six.
> 
> 
> I don't get it.


A couple of thoughts:

1. As you can see from some of the posters, there are men (me included) who like curves on their wife. It is part of what attracted us to them in the first place.

2. Remember that weight is a touchy subject in a relationship. especially with women (for example, when was the last time anyone asked a woman how much she weighs). So often it feels like there is not a right answer - if he notices the spare tire he is superficial, if he looks beyond it he is not being honest. 

3. He is trying to tell you that he loves based on you, not what you weigh or how your figure looks. A difficult thing I deal with is that my wife is very tough on herself, especially her weight. I would neve let another person say to her the things she says about herself. I would jump to her defense in a hearbeat. Yet I feel powerless when she attacks herself, the women I love. So I have to reminder that I love her, not just her appearance. I also reminder that she is saying bad things about my wife, which usually breaks the tension and gets her back into a better frame of mind. Losing weight is great if you are doing it for yourself. But work to accept that your husband loves you and your current body.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Thick Girls Rule.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think if you can find an awesome pair of jeans, you will feel awesome no matter what your size.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife doesn't understand this, either. When I tell her she's the most beautiful woman on earth, I suppose it means that's the way I see her because I love her. Your husband is telling you he loves you and any loved woman is a beautiful woman.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I am the fattest I have ever been in my life, yet I am also the most in love and the happiest. :smthumbup:
> 
> I was a size 2 when I was 18. I started to take more than one medication that caused weight gain, along with The Pill. Eleven years later, I am a size 12. I feel fat and ugly, so I am going to start excercising. Of course, size 12 is not necessarily fat...it is just how I feel about my appearance.
> 
> ...


This (your self perception) is me. I was a size 0 at the age of 18 and athletic build. About 2 years ago I was a size 12 (after having 5 kids) and I felt the same way. Those feelings still linger even at the size 9 I am today (depending on cut of clothing).

ConteYola (husband) says the same about me as your husband says about you except the size limit. He says my self perception is skewed and that I am more beautiful than I give myself credit for, especially after 5 kids spaced very close in age.

I think your husband may worry that if you drop the weight and sizes he may have to compete with other men? An insecurity perhaps. I also think his love does not see what your eyes see. Self esteem issues are very hard on women, we really do have a skewed sense of self. Look at what we are bombarded with from all forms of media?

I think your exercise should focus on health rather than weight. Besides muscle mass weighs more than fat mass does so don't be surprised if you start gaining weight (healthy weight) as opposed to losing it. There is difference between unhealthy weight gain and healthy weight gain. Don't focus on inches or weight, focus on healthy heart and body.

You must do what makes you feel better but don't stop talking to your husband about it either.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I think everyone likes what they like when it comes to appearance. Did your husband fall in love with you when you were 18 and a size 2? Or when you were older and more filled out? We all have our tastes and it's a good thing too! I was a size 8 when we met.
> 
> I think most women though get this mental picture of whenever they were at their "best"...usually meaning smallest. Then try to get back to it the rest of their whole lives. I know that as crazy as it is, I would LOVE to be as small as I was last year when I literally could not eat for 6 months. I was SICK! But my mind still loves the number on the jeans I was wearing, you know?
> 
> I have to tell you though, between simply getting older and the meds that you've mentioned in the past that contributed to the weight gain....you'll most likely lose weight differently than you have before. Slower, and in different places. I've been in the same place from the lovely combo of marriage and meds and I lost about 70 pounds dieting before I got sick. I ended up losing very little on top, more on the bottom. So it can be done! And the good part about going slow is that it gives you a chance to see where you're at and decide when enough is enough and you're good where you're at!


Thank you for this! So true!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Thick Girls Rule.


Well, you are a very smart man, so that means a lot. :smthumbup:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Jamison said:


> If you feel good about your weight then thats what matters. If your husband feels good about it, thats just a added bonus! :smthumbup:
> 
> When you complain what kind of nice snack is your husband offering?


He will offer something sweet, like an ice cream sandwich or pineapple or sometimes a popsicle. If there is something else that my husband knows I love in the fridge, he will make me a plate and say something like "Eat up and enjoy life!" My butt will usually get smacked or squeezed.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Curves rule!

And it sounds like your husband is attracted to you no matter what size you are! That's awesome!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As an older woman, I am here to tell you that life is too short to waste time worrying about what calories you put in your mouth. And guys don't understand it. I don't know how many times I've heard a guy say 'I just want to date a girl who will eat real food and not just salads.'


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

:lol::lol::lol::lol:
As a younger woman, I am here to agree with you. 

My husband said that one of the reasons he fell in love with me, was on one of our first few dates, I ordered steak, red wine and dessert. :smthumbup:

He was intrigued, because he felt that only a sensual woman loves food like that. My husband was tired of taking women to nice restaurants, only to have them order a salad with no dressing and water to drink. It was a waste of money. :rofl:


Thanks a lot, Turnera.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Mmmm food.

lol Our first date was to a taco place. I ate 5 tacos LOLLL Hubs ate 7. It was Taco Tuesday!!!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

So are you wanting to lose weight, or are you just saying you don't understand why your husband doesn't get how you feel? 

Maybe let him read these posts. Then he can see most men do feel the same as he does and see that other women feel like you at times.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I want to lose weight and I don't understand how my husband has such a dramatically different perception of how I look.

Once again, TAM has helped me a lot.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Until I saw the movie "City Island" I didn't know my thing was a 'thing'. Feeding a woman is a ferocious turn on for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> I want to lose weight and I don't understand how my husband has such a dramatically different perception of how I look.
> 
> Once again, TAM has helped me a lot.


Is he happy with how he looks? I doubt it. But YOU probably think he looks great. So why is what you think ok but what he thinks not?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My recommendation is get naked and soaped up in the shower and mess around.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So I'll wade into this deep and murky pool, as a guy who's been married for a long time, but now separated and seeing someone for the past 8 months. 

One of the things I love love love about my girlfriend (besides the fact that shes the most beautiful, erotic, and classy woman I know) is that even though she's not 100% happy with her weight, she's comfortable enough with us that she doesn't let it bother her. She will still prance around naked in front of me, will wear a bikini around me, and is simply comfortable in her own skin. She's working on her weight, and I fully support her on that by working out with her, buying healthy food for my place, etc. But as far as I'm concerned, the only reason she needs to lose any weight is for herself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I like curves best. Want a little meat on her bones. Those skinny models are ok but my ideal is a woman that is voluptuous.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe Popeye likes bone-skinny women but I prefer mine with curves. 
Whatever her body shape, a confident, happy, sensuous woman who's more interested in giving and receiving pleasure than comparing herself to other women is sexy.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

In the words of the immortal poet Sir-Mix-A-Lot:

"My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon!"

Or - Kid Rock:

"Skinny models, you can keep those
I like big corn-fed midwestern Ho's!"


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Well, I'll point out that there is a difference between "curves" and "flubber". (Yes, that's the technical term!  ) One is sexy, one is sloppy. 

For example, I am fully appreciative of my fine Northern European heritage that apparently bred women to birth babies and pull plows. In this day and age, that gives me nice curves without the shortened lifespan and leathery skin! However, when those curves start to droop and jiggle, then it's time to keep an eye on things and get back to where I like to be--it's all about balance!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You say you compare yourself to the women in magazines and your husband doesn't like it. He's the sane one!

Those models are airbrushed so you are comparing yourself to a photo that has been digitally altered. How is that rational?

If being a size 2 was the only way people could like themselves, the majority of women would hate themselves......wait, many of them do because they have bought into the multi-billion dollar diet and fashion industry mantra that a size 2 is a normal weight. 

Instead of going on a diet, I would suggest getting treatment for body image issues. You don't seem to be able to tolerate yourself except as a "perfect" size 2. That is disordered thinking and you can get help for that.

You should be thrilled that you have a husband who loves and desires you as you are. If you want to get more active and eat healthy, go for it, but please stop trying to get your husband to agree with your warped way of seeing yourself.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I remember a time when there was no size '2' or '0'....anyways, I am 5'10.5", 175lb size 11...in the fashion industry I'd be considered a fashion disaster. When I was in my 20's, I was 50lbs lighter and a half an inch taller. I was skin and bones and had no t*ts, but I wore a size 8. The smallest size was 6 then...Size 0...ya right! How skinny would I have had to be? See through?

Don't be a fashion victim!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Can you imagine if condoms were sized like women's clothes? No one would EVER have one that actually fit them! They'd all be too big!

"No honey - you're definitely a 2, not an 8..."


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Some men like soft blubber on woman.
Some like firm hard women.

You got a softy!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

chattycathy said:


> Some men like soft blubber on woman.
> Some like firm hard women.
> 
> You got a softy!


I have a good friend who is only turned on by overweight women, he was at our house one day working on his car, and talking openly about how he has no interest in the regular strip clubs but had once found one with plus size strippers, a rarity and he doubts he will come across another in his lifetime, but he highly enjoyed that. Maybe a special night, I can't remember. 

He married my friend , she has always been plus size, he is a thin man too. He has always been attracted to large women. Once we was in his car years ago, and found these erotic magazines called "Plumpers", so there is surely a market for this, some men do prefer large women.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

turnera said:


> As an older woman, I am here to tell you that life is too short to waste time worrying about what calories you put in your mouth. And guys don't understand it. I don't know how many times I've heard a guy say 'I just want to date a girl who will eat real food and not just salads.'


Yay!! Good advice  I never count calories and love good food. I don't eat junk food or drink soda and I don't eat diet foods either; I do enjoy wholesome, home-cooked food though. For the most part my weight hasn't changed too much over the years. Dark chocolate is my absolute weakness and I'm okay with that. I don't sit down and consume a whole bar, but I'll have a square each day. I'm not restricting myself, it's just all I need. If I want to lose weight and focus on what I'm eating, then it's more about fine-tuning habits such as having a hot water with lemon first thing in the morning and snacking more through-out the day with fruit, nuts, veg (but I'll still enjoy my dark chocolate).

I'm currently a US size 6-8 and I felt most comfortable when I was a size 4-6; because I was fitter and healthier then. My lifestyle was more active. I was exercising more and signed up for public running events so I had a goal to keep me interested. I've never been one to really work-out at a gym. This year I've made excuses but I know that's just what it is, an excuse. I have a pair of running shoes that I could slip on and walk/jog more than I do. Yesterday I had to walk up and down many flights of steps and I'm embarrassed that my legs are sore from it. That might have finally been the motivation I needed. I used to walk those steps in stilettos and not feel a thing. 

I've asked my H about my body this year and his response has been "We could both use some toning and more exercise, but you're still just as beautiful as ever." My figure is curvy. I've never been skinny, it's not my build. I don't compare myself to magazines. I just want to look and feel my best (and healthiest) in the way I'm most comfortable. I'd consider my thighs to be fairly thick but I know my H loves them. I feel confidently sexy when we're intimate, full lights on, because of how he makes me feel. Would I feel okay in a bikini right now? Nope, and I know this is about confidence and body image rather than size. 

I have a friend who struggles to gain weight. Everyone is different, I don't think one body type over another is what a 'real woman' should look like. I think most of us have insecurities in some way. We just need to rock who we are.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Well, I'll point out that there is a difference between "curves" and "flubber". (Yes, that's the technical term!  ) One is sexy, one is sloppy.
> 
> For example, I am fully appreciative of my fine Northern European heritage that apparently bred women to birth babies and pull plows. In this day and age, that gives me nice curves without the shortened lifespan and leathery skin! However, when those curves start to droop and jiggle, then it's time to keep an eye on things and get back to where I like to be--it's all about balance!


:iagree:


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Can you imagine if condoms were sized like women's clothes? No one would EVER have one that actually fit them! They'd all be too big!
> 
> "No honey - you're definitely a 2, not an 8..."


:rofl::rofl::rofl: OMG...
Women want their size number to be low, men want theirs to be high...


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## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

You have got to be kidding. You are complaining that your husband is calling you beautiful?? I went out with a **** head a few years back when i was younger and he would call me names and tell me to lose weight, i was a healthy average girl with curves (still am). Women would actually kill for a man who supports and loves you for who you are no matter what size you are and doesn't make you feel like s h i t.
Go to the gym if you want to tone up and stop complaining!


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## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

And also, it's your body, lose as much as you want. it's not up to your husband.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

LadyGemma said:


> You have got to be kidding. You are complaining that your husband is calling you beautiful?? I went out with a **** head a few years back when i was younger and he would call me names and tell me to lose weight, i was a healthy average girl with curves (still am). Women would actually kill for a man who supports and loves you for who you are no matter what size you are and doesn't make you feel like s h i t.
> Go to the gym if you want to tone up and stop complaining!


I was not complaining that he thinks I am beautiful. I was simply saying that I do not understand his view. No need to be so nasty.

All this "it's your body" stuff is bollocks. At the end of the day, if your spouse does not like the way you look, it will cause problems.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

When i met my hubby at 18. I was a size 2 and maybe 110 pounds. Over the years my body changed. I was at 150 pounds forever.. Healthy weight for me... I was too skinny. I gained 30 pounds before i got pregnant, due to quitting my very psychical job. After the birth of our son i was really heavy, the heaviest i have ever been in my life. I lost over 50 pounds last summer and trying to loose more... I still have about 10 more to go to be at 150..

Sometimes i wish that i was a size 2 again, but i will never be that small again.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I was a size 0 in my teens and always hated it. Would eat tons of junk food just to try put on some weight, but it was hard! I envied all those curvy girls, and I think the perfect size would be between 4 to 8. Now in my late 30's, I am finally a more decent size 2. Its still too skinny, but there is nothing I can do about it. I think men do not love skinny girls, most would prefer an average size girl. I know that if I were a man, I would be attracted to girls with more flesh and round perky boobs. The only advantage about being skinny is we can buy clothes so easily.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

I think us women are our own worst critics. I've gained weight over the years (not fat, but I should lose a few pounds) & I think it bothers me more than my husband. 

Every so often I wonder if my weight turns him off because he doesn't seem to want sex all that often, but deep down I don't think that's the case. The problem is probably stress and being tired from work. He always tells me how sexy I am and he loves my boobs! Lol

I go to the gym, and even though I don't have a perfect body, I always feel good when I work out. Makes me feel much more confident & that turns my husband on.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Unfortunately, we women can also be each others' worst critics. We see someone thinner than ourselves and comment about their lack of curves. We someone heavier than ourselves and we comment about their muffin tops. I'm guilty, too. No wonder so many of us have body image issues and eating disorders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

We are hardest on ourselves. My wife is a beautiful, fit, 5'3" and 125 lbs and thinks she needs to lose weight. I think she looks fantastic and tell her that all the time.
I am 6'3" 200 lbs and want to lose 10 lbs. My wife says that she wants me just like I am.

Go figure


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm 5'3 and 160 and have always leaned towards the heavier side so it never bothered me since it's the only body I've never known but I will admit that I am overweight. Whenever I acknowledge the fact that I am he will quickly jump in and say that the BMI thing is a load of crap and that he loves my curves. He likes to grab a lot. He says I may be a little heavier but it looks good on me and that I'm the perfect size for him: 14. I will lose around 15-20 ish pounds over the upcoming months and though he will be ok with that, he says he will miss my figure.

But hey, to be fair he's 6'2 and 210 with a little bit of a belly with love handles and wants to get back to being 185 and I LOVE how he is. I love his little belly lol. We should do things for ourselves but since we're married we should also keep our partners tastes under consideration. Dunno if that's been said, I only read the first page of this thread.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Learning to love your body is such a gift to yourself because in truth our bodies will forever change and what we don't like now we might envy later. I'm comfortable with who I am and how I look. 

My husband has always adored my body. Honestly, I think a major reason why he tolerates my very, to be nice let's say, passionate personality is because he is so naturally attracted to the package.

Celebrate that your husband adores you and reward him by letting him enjoy the landscape that is you. It's wonderful if you celebrate it too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ever look back at old photos?

Gawd, I wish I was as fat as I thought I was back then. LOLLL I thought I was Soooooo fat. Wtf.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Learning to love your body is such a gift to yourself because in truth our bodies will forever change and what we don't like now we might envy later. I'm comfortable with who I am and how I look.
> 
> My husband has always adored my body. Honestly, I think a major reason why he tolerates my very, to be nice let's say, passionate personality is because he is so naturally attracted to the package.
> 
> Celebrate that your husband adores you and reward him by letting him enjoy the landscape that is you. It's wonderful if you celebrate it too.


:iagree: Thank you for this, sweet Trenton. You said what another member did, without needless disrespect.


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