# where do i go from here



## Tanya12 (May 1, 2010)

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband of 20 years had an affair which started in 2000 and ended in 2003. I found out by accident when i came across a very detailed letter he had been sent by this woman in 2002. It talked about sex, weekends away and much more. I had absolutely NO idea this affair had happened. We have 3 children who were all very young at the time of the affair. I feel hurt, angry and betrayed. My husband is mortified that i found out and desperate to make things right. I can't stiop thinking about them together. I feel a total fool and an idiot. I think i still love him but certainly not as much as i did before. I have strong feelings of hatred to the other woman , she is also married with 3 children, how could she do this to another woman? Her husband does not know.
Please any advice would be appreciated, i am reeling and struggling.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Here are some things you can do to help (I am sure your husband will be glad to join in):

Why affairs start

Love Busters Questionnaire

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test and a site to help understand the results of this test....

Do them together - and realize that time heals all wounds...

Stay in love, stay committed, and communicate with each other.

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Now playing: Fleetwood Mac - The Second Time
via FoxyTunes


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, first of all let me say that I feel for you,
I know what it's like to find out about a spouses affair...
It's devastating to say the least, it's like everything you believed in is gone...
I know from experience that when you are the betrayed spouse, it's different you are still in love with your husband.
I would say work at this together understand how this could have happened, what was missing for each of you in the marriage and take the opportunity now to make your marriage better than it's ever been...
It will take work and it will never be the same as you had thought it was........don't expect it to be.
Give yourself time and judge your husband by his actions and sooner or later you will again be able to trust and believe in the man you married....
He needs to be totally transparent with you so you have no doubt what he is up to. 
It's normal to hate the other woman, I feel the same way. It just seems that some people just don't care if they hurt their families or someone else's.....
You can't be responsible for anyone else's actions, hers, your husband's, it's not your fault, they had options to do things differently they chose their path.......
Don't make any decisions until your are ready, when we first find out we are not in a place emotionally to make big decisions. Processing first, giving yourself time......comittment over the long term will set your mind at ease....
good luck


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Tanya,

First off, sorry, I know it sucks - been there. You have alot of emotions to go through right now but listen to Jessi's very good advice. You can get through this. YOu're fortunate on many levels, believe it or not. THe affair ended 7 yrs ago so you already know your H chose YOU. As you stated he is mortified and trying to make things right. That's good too - he is remorseful and showing you that he wants to keep your marriage and willing to do what it takes to rebuild. That's also great news. 

As Jessi stated, it will be tough but you can do it. I can say that my marriage is stronger and happier than it's been in years and my H's affair was just discovered/ended 7 months ago. Just take it one day at a time. AS hard as it is, focus on what was going on & wrong and/or missing in your marriage at that point NOT the affair itself. Trust me, even as I type it I know that's virtually impossible but try as best you can. Hatred for her is normal - the OW for me is also married (and was one of my best friends) and while I have forgiven my H, haven't really forgiven her. So, throw the anger her way if you must - it's what I did and allowed me to rebuild the relationship with my H without all the anger. 

Good Luck!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

That sucks!! Besides bringing up current trust issues or making you "wonder". If it truly did end 7 years ago that's good right? He was obviously in a bad place, messed up royally, felt like it was better to hide then tell.......like we haven't learned that behavior since we were 5 years old.

He took the risk and now he is caught!! What do you want to do? He is mortified because obviously he thought this was water under the bridge 7 years that's a long time!! Now it's all out in the open and he probably wonders why he did it in the first place too? 

Great advive given by the previous posters....good luck!!


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Tanya, you have to decide what the right course for yourself is. WHat I will say is that after 16 years of marriage I learned that my wife had also spent 3 years in 2 separate long-term affairs on me. We also have 3 kids, and the main OM was also married, also with a child. 

I found it in my heart to forgive and try to resurrect our marriage and several months down the road things are going incredibly and we are still healing. Things aren't perfect, there is still trust issues, and even last night we had a very serious conversation. 

However, I can tell you these things:

-it has not always been an easy road
-90% of our times now are wonderful, and we are both happy and learning to treasure one another all over again
-counselling helped tremendously in our case - but both parties must go into it openly and honestly and both with a goal of finding healing, and a willingness to admit wrong or shortcomings on our own parts. 

I am glad that I stayed. I am glad that we are healing. I am hopeful and excited for our future. Maybe not all marriages can survive this, but I can tell you that at least some can, and I will never regret the effort, the pain or the tears that it took to heal. It was absolutely worth it for me.


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