# How long does withdrawal take?



## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

iheartlife,
I exposed to the OW husband, and to a couple of friends. His mother is very sick, so probably will not expose there. He is working on a letter, but I gave it back to him because it was not detailed enough for me. Neither of us have read the book, I will get it today.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

What are you doing to verify No Contact?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just bringing your posts over from the other thread so others can give you advice.



> For myself, I had 3rd D day July 5th and my H has not spoken to OW for 3 weeks now which up until now he only lasted 16 days before he tried to have contact when he emailed her, and then 14 days later after not receiving any reply to his email to her, he called her.
> So I guess essentially he went 30 days without actual contact, but how do I count his attempts at contact? That was only 16 days....
> 
> 
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There really is no set time period for how long withdrawal takes. It really depends upon how deeply the WS fell for their AP. I was reading on another site that has a OW/OM forum, and one WW was in an EA, but was very deep in the fog. It took her 7 months before she was finally able to go NC with her OM, with numerous instances of fishing between the two of them. There was another WS who was in a deep EA/PA with her OM, and even a year and a half later she could not stop obsessing about him, and ultimately R failed and they divorced. Granted, these may be extreme cases but it does give one an idea about how long the BS has to be vigilant to intercept/prevent any fishing. 

I would imagine that the longer the affair went on, the longer the withdrawal period.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

checking phone records and email. relying on OW H to let me know as he is quite informative ever since I exposed to him.
No VAR....


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

So how well does your MC understand infidelity? A good litmus test is whether they're familiar with the book Not Just Friends, because the author was a nationally-recognized infidelity researcher, so not only did she write a definitive book, over many years she conducted a great deal of original research that is quoted / relied upon to this day.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

thanks!


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

i will not be around for another 1 1/2 years.... i am willing to go through the end of the year to evaluate where we are at. EA went on for 5 months, with the last 2 months not a lot of contact, it seemed they were backing off at that point.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

member2012 said:


> checking phone records and email. relying on OW H to let me know as he is quite informative ever since I exposed to him.
> No VAR....


Okay, now I don't recommend this. I didn't use a VAR on my husband, and he re-entered contact with his AP within 3 or 4 weeks after I discovered the affair on DD#1. (Although unlike you I wasn't smart enough to check phone records.) He continued to maintain contact with her through 6+ months of marriage counseling (!!!) and I was none the wiser. He lied straight to the MC's face.

I found out THREE YEARS LATER because he accidentally texted me instead of her.

Believe it or not, we are reconciled and recommitted, the affair had run its course and it was infinitely easier for him to walk away after DD#2 because the infatuation had largely dissipated.

Our MC is excellent, I actually chose him based on some careful research because I realized how important that knowledge about infidelity is. At the first appointment he handed my H a copy of Not Just Friends, so I knew I'd chosen right.

Anyhow, a VAR would have blown our false reconciliation wide open. But I was none the wiser and trusted him too much. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Very weak.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

she is excellent, known a bit. she wants to deal with the affair first and then afterwards what got us there.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

member2012 said:


> she is excellent, known a bit. she wants to deal with the affair first and then afterwards what got us there.


That's terrific, that is exactly what you want to hear. BTW we cross-posted again. And FYI, we've spent nearly 8 hours of appointments in MC on the affair alone.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

what VAR should I get? the problem is he talks on his phone in the car usually with an ear pice, not bluetooth, so I will not hear the other end, but I will do it any way. He also has his car detailed 2 times a month or so, wouldn't want them to find it.... what do you suggest?


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

this is frustrating to hear...


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> There really is no set time period for how long withdrawal takes. It really depends upon how deeply the WS fell for their AP. I was reading on another site that has a OW/OM forum, and one WW was in an EA, but was very deep in the fog. It took her 7 months before she was finally able to go NC with her OM, with numerous instances of fishing between the two of them. There was another WS who was in a deep EA/PA with her OM, and even a year and a half later she could not stop obsessing about him, and ultimately R failed and they divorced. Granted, these may be extreme cases but it does give one an idea about how long the BS has to be vigilant to intercept/prevent any fishing.
> 
> I would imagine that the longer the affair went on, the longer the withdrawal period.


I meant this is frustrating to hear....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

member2012 said:


> I meant this is frustrating to hear....


I know, the addiction is so strong. That's why so many BSs experience False Rs, hence the reason we advise BSs that they MUST verify NC is holding.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Typically it's suggested to velcro the VAR under the driver's seat. If you do it right they shouldn't detect it even when the car is detailed.

Do you have all his passwords esp to email accounts? Keylogger on the computer? Does he have all messaging apps on his phone, incl skype, deleted? Does he account for his time? Does he show you his phone immediately upon his request? Does he delete texts? None of this stuff is a long-term solution, but you're right, you do need to get past the infatuation stage before you can start slacking off, unfortunately. Some people get so frustrated by this that they just give up and file for D. Others (lordmayhem and I, for ex.) just deal with it as part of the price of living with someone who betrayed us so much. You eventually start to forget to check as they are able to prove themselves loyal to you.

Have you shared info with the OWH, i.e., any evidence you've found? Do you know if the affair was physical? Have you been tested for STDs?


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I know, the addiction is so strong. That's why so many BSs experience False Rs, hence the reason we advise BSs that they MUST verify NC is holding.


got it...


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Typically it's suggested to velcro the VAR under the driver's seat. If you do it right they shouldn't detect it even when the car is detailed.
> 
> Do you have all his passwords esp to email accounts? Keylogger on the computer? Does he have all messaging apps on his phone, incl skype, deleted? Does he account for his time? Does he show you his phone immediately upon his request? Does he delete texts? None of this stuff is a long-term solution, but you're right, you do need to get past the infatuation stage before you can start slacking off, unfortunately. Some people get so frustrated by this that they just give up and file for D. Others (lordmayhem and I, for ex.) just deal with it as part of the price of living with someone who betrayed us so much. You eventually start to forget to check as they are able to prove themselves loyal to you.
> 
> Have you shared info with the OWH, i.e., any evidence you've found? Do you know if the affair was physical? Have you been tested for STDs?


we have 4 computers at work, i could keylog them all, but all of the people that work with us are very computer savvy and the computers go in for repair often, wouldn't all of that be detected? I have passwords to most accounts, but the last DD ws because the OW H told me it happened....My H was getting back to normal so I stopped checking so much until he had this relapse ....


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

member2012 said:


> we have 4 computers at work, i could keylog them all, but all of the people that work with us are very computer savvy and the computers go in for repair often, wouldn't all of that be detected? I have passwords to most accounts, but the last DD ws because the OW H told me it happened....My H was getting back to normal so I stopped checking so much until he had this relapse ....


Yes, how did that contact occur?


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Typically it's suggested to velcro the VAR under the driver's seat. If you do it right they shouldn't detect it even when the car is detailed.
> 
> Do you have all his passwords esp to email accounts? Keylogger on the computer? Does he have all messaging apps on his phone, incl skype, deleted? Does he account for his time? Does he show you his phone immediately upon his request? Does he delete texts? None of this stuff is a long-term solution, but you're right, you do need to get past the infatuation stage before you can start slacking off, unfortunately. Some people get so frustrated by this that they just give up and file for D. Others (lordmayhem and I, for ex.) just deal with it as part of the price of living with someone who betrayed us so much. You eventually start to forget to check as they are able to prove themselves loyal to you.
> 
> Have you shared info with the OWH, i.e., any evidence you've found? Do you know if the affair was physical? Have you been tested for STDs?


And yes, he does account for his time, it was an EA, no sex. I know from reading some of the texts etc. Also, OW H can confirm from what he found out on his end.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Yes, how did that contact occur?


After having NC for a month, he had a friend call her and see how she was doing. The OW H caught the call.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

member2012 said:


> After having NC for a month, he had a friend call her and see how she was doing. The OW H caught the call.


Who was that friend?


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Who was that friend?


His long term friend, he has stopped contact with him for now, as per my demand.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

MC has him going to addiction meetings.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

member2012 said:


> His long term friend, he has stopped contact with him for now, as per my demand.


A male friend? Did you know him well?


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> A male friend? Did you know him well?


yes and yes.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

member2012 said:


> MC has him going to addiction meetings.


for what? for the affair? or for drugs / alcohol?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

member2012 said:


> After having NC for a month, he had a friend call her and see how she was doing. The OW H caught the call.


A common fishing tactic. The WS knows they're being monitored, so they either have a friend make the contact or they use the friend's phone/computer. 

This is an example of why exposure is so essential. Many times, the affair person's spouse is another pair of eyes on the affair.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> for what? for the affair? or for drugs / alcohol?


For the affair, the meetings are for addicts with different issues, but he is supposed to translate to apply to himself, and he goes and he seems to like it. Every now and then he complains and says he does not have the same kind of issues that the people in the meetings have, I can tell he doesn't want to keep going and then I know he is drifting back in the fog again, but then a day later he is back in good shape again and outs forth the effort and says everything he is doing is helping us get back on track.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> A common fishing tactic. The WS knows they're being monitored, so they either have a friend make the contact or they use the friend's phone/computer.
> 
> This is an example of why exposure is so essential. Many times, the affair person's spouse is another pair of eyes on the affair.


I did expose and it was the first real breakthrough that has allowed us to move forward in fixing our marriage. Should have done it from the start.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

member2012 said:


> I did expose and it was the first real breakthrough that has allowed us to move forward in fixing our marriage. Should have done it from the start.


Please remind the newly betrayed that come to the board. Some can't understand why exposure to the other betrayed spouse is so important.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Of course Lordmayhem, see below:

So for anyone just starting to go through this, if I can get this straight, my husband began his EA last January. In February was the first DD. I thought it was over then. It was not. In June came the 2nd DD. That is when I exposed to the OW husband. In July I found out through the other husband that my H had tried to contact the OW once in June with no luck, and again once in July, with the luck of getting the husband on the phone and only having one 11 minute conversation with the OW to try and get out of the mess that he created by trying to reach out to her.

After finding out in June that for 3 1/2 more months after I thought it had ended, that they were still in contact, I decided at the idea of my good friend to expose it to the OW husband. They had gone underground with their way of staying in touch, and that is why I had no idea it was still going on. 

Once I exposed to the OW's husband, everything collapsed for them and the other woman became engulfed in her husband threatening to divorce her. The affair took a backseat as they were running for cover. The day I exposed the OW was driving around town trying to track me down to beg me to stop talking to her husband. My husband was freaking out and they stopped talking to each other cold turkey for over 2 weeks. 

After the first 2 weeks My H made one attempt to contact her which she did not reply to. (The OW's husband told me about this, as I would never had known if he had not been on the look out.) He made a second attempt 2 weeks later( which again the OW's husband alerted me to) when he had his friend call her, but that turned out negative because all he got to do was get yelled at by her husband and then OW called him back that same day to tell him how horrible her life had become since her husband found out. She talked to my H for 11 minutes and they have not spoken since, It has been 3 weeks.

To sum it up, he has moments where I know he misses his AP, but his addiction was broken which got him somewhat out of the fog and he started to remember us and our marriage and got motivated to focus back on our family.

The only reason we are able to have this opportunity is because they are no longer in touch because he got the opportunity to break his addiction and that is only because I exposed to the OW husband.

Think about it, if I had done this back in February, I could have saved my self 3 1/2 months of agony, regardless of which way it went or will go, I would have saved all of that time.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

What if there are multiple women involved, and they are not closely connected to any part of the WS's life in general? Such as dating site people who meet up sporadically? I have no clue who these women are...no clue how I would get in contact with their partners.

My H had so recently been on dating sites looking for whoever will give into his games. I know that he has met with a few women over the past 6 months...how would I expose these women? (they have boyfriends apparently) Or is it irrelevant, being that the risk of losing their boyfriend is not as prevalent as losing an H?

What do I do in this kind of situation to rip my H out of his fog?


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> What if there are multiple women involved, and they are not closely connected to any part of the WS's life in general? Such as dating site people who meet up sporadically? I have no clue who these women are...no clue how I would get in contact with their partners.
> 
> My H had so recently been on dating sites looking for whoever will give into his games. I know that he has met with a few women over the past 6 months...how would I expose these women? (they have boyfriends apparently) Or is it irrelevant, being that the risk of losing their boyfriend is not as prevalent as losing an H?
> 
> What do I do in this kind of situation to rip my H out of his fog?


I am not an expert, but I would say that you need to tell his family and friends, but only tell them with proof. You would have to get a VAR in his car and a key logger, which I don't know how to use, but with that evidence you can expose him to his peers.
You could also have somebody follow him and find out who these women are and I am sure one of them is married. Then you can expose to their spouse.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

just checking in with everyone on this post I made. 
Now that time has passed I can say that withdrawal for my WH took about 10 weeks to fully get back to himself, and have his normal reactions to me in general. This would be 10 weeks after his last (3rd DDay).
Interesting because the more he gets back to normal, the less I am interested in staying in the marriage and the more he shows commitment to want the marriage. I am not saying that I will leave, I am just noticing how the balance swings.....


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Withdrawal is the most painful experience for the BS imo. It's both insulting and devestating that WS would actually "long" for their affair partner. It's like we don't even exist.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Withdrawal is the most painful experience for the BS imo. It's both insulting and devestating that WS would actually "long" for their affair partner. It's like we don't even exist.


It is pathetic I think, I think it may have ruined my respect I could eve have for my husband. Maybe it is just a phase I am going through, but I feel like I see him as a weak and undesirable individual after all of that. We will see how I feel in a few months I guess, I am not rushing to any conclusions after all of this.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Wow, that is a interesting turn of events, why do you think you have become less interested in him as he comes out of the fog? Collateral damage? 


I often torment myself by thinking about the withdrawal process. On Dday, spouse was "confussed" about his feelings towards her and he admitted that they had been professing love towards one another via text. I even read one when he left his phone unattended and it came through. I was surprised at how juvenile the language was and it actually provided some relief. 

Withdrawal is a evil process for us BS as we have to watch it unravel. If we were just dating we could ditch them and not have to bear witness, but when married and decided to R or not, you can't help but see parts of it and it hurts something awful. 

It's been 7 months or so- I've been afraid to ask how much he still thinks of her. Afraid that it will stir it up again in his memory. The first three months he confessed that he thought of her during his commute (that's when they texted the most)....certain songs etc. I realize now that it wasn't "her" but those dopamine hits that he was craving. 

I have to think that a WS can recall the memory and feelings at will if they sit and ponder their affair but I would think time can slowly make those feelings fade away. 

Maybe some WS on here who have been out of their affair for much longer can add valuable input on the withdrawal process.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

member2012 said:


> It is pathetic I think, I think it may have ruined my respect I could eve have for my husband. Maybe it is just a phase I am going through, but I feel like I see him as a weak and undesirable individual after all of that. We will see how I feel in a few months I guess, I am not rushing to any conclusions after all of this.



Respect- you touched on a good point here, in some ways I always feel "sorry" for my spouse, if that's the right word....like I can see his damage now. How he has a wound that he himself needs to fix. Weak. Like how lions can smell the weak one in the herd and single them out...I smell his weakness. 

They could be phases- but I'm right there with you....hoping these wounds heal over for both of us.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Respect- you touched on a good point here, in some ways I always feel "sorry" for my spouse, if that's the right word....like I can see his damage now. How he has a wound that he himself needs to fix. Weak. Like how lions can smell the weak one in the herd and single them out...I smell his weakness.
> 
> They could be phases- but I'm right there with you....hoping these wounds heal over for both of us.


I feel that he messed up his life and the life of his wife and family all for self indulgence. LIke a gambling addict, or a shopaholic. I just don't want him anymore..... at least not right now.... 
Maybe it is because a lot of the things he was doing before his A happened that I was dissatisfied with, he is still doing, and I feel like I can face all of the things I am not happy with now. I am now ready to make some changes on my terms.

When he had his A it gave him a false sense of strength. But if he was really not happy in his marriage, he would have left. He never left. I on the other hand am ready to face what I need to and make my life what I want it to be.


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