# How can I obtain the art of a successful communication?



## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards, and one thing sems to stick out the most to me.

Communication, and communication skills.

I would like to know the secret to a successful communication. I feel that most of my wifes and my problems have been based on poor communication skills.

I am sure that this has been covered many times here, but does anyone have a link to one of their favorite threads covering this topic?

Thanks in advance.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Talk to yourself...LOL


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

remmons said:


> I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards, and one thing sems to stick out the most to me.
> 
> Communication, and communication skills.
> 
> I would like to know the secret to a successful communication. I feel that most of my wifes and my problems have been based on poor communication skills.


In my opinion, the single most common communication failure stems from going into a conversation trying to convince the other of YOUR point. This, at best, is a barrier to understanding. At worst, over time it becomes entrenched right fight habits that are VERY hard to break.

The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.

Another thing is to understand that for the vast majority of arguments, neither one is objectively right. There are merits to both points of view. And/or being right is unimportant compared to being together/feeling together.




> I am sure that this has been covered many times here, but does anyone have a link to one of their favorite threads covering this topic?
> 
> Thanks in advance.


This one!


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Talk to yourself...LOL


I will try. No guarantee that my feed back will be efefctive though...LOL



vthomeschoolmom said:


> In my opinion, the single most common communication failure stems from going into a conversation trying to convince the other of YOUR point. This, at best, is a barrier to understanding. At worst, over time it becomes entrenched right fight habits that are VERY hard to break.
> 
> The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.
> 
> ...


I have tried to type a response several times, but nothing seems to come out the way I want them to.


> The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.


This answer hit me hard. Active listening is a skill that of which I will have to learn, after I understand it. I will work on this.

BTW. Thank you for your answer


> This one!


. This thread hasn't even taken off yet, but I feel that others may benefit from this as well. Hopefully as this grows I will see, learn and use the techniques that have been posted.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> The goal of communication should not be to convince but to understand. I understand my point of view already, of course. My main goal in communication should be to understand the other. That is more challenging and requires active listening.


20 minutes later I still find myself thinking on this. This is by far one of the most powerful, heart felt response that I have see to date. This one definately opened my eyes, and my mind.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

remmons said:


> 20 minutes later I still find myself thinking on this. This is by far one of the most powerful, heart felt response that I have see to date. This one definately opened my eyes, and my mind.


I am pleased to have been of some help.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I find that I have better answers than anyone else...wonder why? LOL


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I find that I have better answers than anyone else...wonder why? LOL


What does that mean?


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I am pleased to have been of some help.


I am still thinking about this even as I head home from work. I will do some research into Active Listening.

Once again, thank you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Marriage Communication


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My “golden rule” of communication is “Seek first to understand and then seek to be understood”. That stood me good in my career. But even in business situations what we see and understand is just what the other person wants us to see and understand. I used to think of it as an iceberg, the one third on top that the other person shows us and the two thirds below the water they do not want us to know about. These are mainly their insecurities and hidden motivations. Understanding motivations is key to good communication but people can be very deceptive about them.

I think above all effect communication in a marriage needs what I came to think of as “emotional honesty”. Without that emotional honesty, with the two thirds hidden from us, there’s no way effective communication can happen. And because of that some deeply held convictions and conflicts are quite simply never resolved.

It takes two to communicate effectively. I think investment in communication training with a coach between husband and wife one of the best investments they’ll ever make.

Bob


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

AFEH said:


> My “golden rule” of communication is “Seek first to understand and then seek to be understood”. That stood me good in my career. But even in business situations what we see and understand is just what the other person wants us to see and understand. I used to think of it as an iceberg, the one third on top that the other person shows us and the two thirds below the water they do not want us to know about. These are mainly their insecurities and hidden motivations. Understanding motivations is key to good communication but people can be very deceptive about them.
> 
> I think above all effect communication in a marriage needs what I came to think of as “emotional honesty”. Without that emotional honesty, with the two thirds hidden from us, there’s no way effective communication can happen. And because of that some deeply held convictions and conflicts are quite simply never resolved.
> 
> ...


Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

2sick said:


> Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?


“Why?” is an excellent question. It’s a very open and non judgemental question and seeks to understand “motivation”.

Honest, non deceptive people will openly declare their motivations because they “want to be understood”. Dishonest and deceptive people will not declare their motivations because they “do not want to be understood”. And that’s because they are hiding something or fear speaking the truth.

It is so refreshing to communicate with people who are honest and open with their motivations. It’s mind blowing to try and communicate with people who have hidden motivations.

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> My “golden rule” of communication is “Seek first to understand and then seek to be understood”.


Absolutely :iagree: I am stealing one of your links you left on another thread some time ago - very insightful about healthy communication :

Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s that “openness and honesty” SA. Personally I find you delightfully open and honest and hence very refreshing. Same with GP and many others here that openly declare their motivations no matter how far out of the ball park they may seem.

Communication is an absolute no brainer and a delight with people who don’t have a problem expressing their motivations. We quickly feel we come to know one another by talking about our individual motivations. Whereas on the other hand we never really know those that don’t. No matter how long we’ve “known” them they remain as a stranger to us.

Bob


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

2sick said:


> Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?


My heart would race when this was asked, but then again, it wasn't necessarily WHAT was said, but HOW it was said.




> Honest, non deceptive people will openly declare their motivations because they “want to be understood”. Dishonest and deceptive people will not declare their motivations because they “do not want to be understood”. And that’s because they are hiding something or fear speaking the truth.
> 
> It is so refreshing to communicate with people who are honest and open with their motivations. It’s mind blowing to try and communicate with people who have hidden motivations.


I have discovered (finally comprehended that is) that this was happening. She has ghosts in the closet. I found this out from my brother-in-law just last night. It seems that my problems weren't necesasarily communication.



> =SimplyAmorous;256200]Absolutely :iagree: I am stealing one of your links you left on another thread some time ago - very insightful about healthy communication :
> 
> Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE


I read a little of it, but I saved the link for future reading.



> Whereas on the other hand we never really know those that don’t. No matter how long we’ve “known” them they remain as a stranger to us.
> 
> Bob


I thought that I knew her. I have discovered that I knew only the tip of the Iceberg, and did not know what lies below the surface.




This thread has helped me out quite a bit. The posts created some insight into communicating skills. It's too bad that my problems are deeper than I had realized......


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I'm feeling disappointed and sick to my stomach after what my brother-in-law had told me last night. There may no longer be any hope for a reunion, but I will keep my chin up and keep trodging down the path that I have chosen. I will keep myself involved with the Church, and keep my promises to God, my friends and family.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> What does that mean?


Based on my original comment of - talk to yourself.

I talk to myself and like it better, because I have better answers than anyone else (to me)...was just a joke at myself.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

2sick said:


> Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?


My husband ALSO has a problem with the word why?

Says that when I say why - he is reminded of a two-year old.

I don't get it - but I stopped asking why so much. Maybe there's just something I'm missing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

2sick said:


> Bob you are soooo right!!!! The problem I seem to have is H seems to think when I am trying to understand his pov I am "badgering" him and just wants to shut down?!?!?! I suppose I'm too aggressive in trying to find out why he feels the way he feels. He says his heart rate goes through the roof when I ask "why"....That word just seems to agitate him. Not quite sure why though... and I guess that's what Remmons is getting at....Communications is soo important but how do you effectively communicate?!?!?


Doesn't it depend on "what happens" when you find out?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My husband ALSO has a problem with the word why?
> 
> Says that when I say why - he is reminded of a two-year old.
> 
> I don't get it - but I stopped asking why so much. Maybe there's just something I'm missing.


In NLP it’s reckoned if you ask a person “Why?” up to seven times you eventually get to the true answer. For example “Why do you smoke?”.

Bob


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Their reaction to "why?" is easily explained. They just don't have a (rational) answer for you. And that fact alone pisses them off.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

Now that I have finally (somewhat) accepted the truth of my wife's affair, I can finally begin to let go (of some) of my anxieties. I don't know when the healing will begin, maybe it already has started.

I am still willing to work it out with my wife, if she is willing that is. I will still love her and foregive her. If she doesnt want to work this out, then I will accept it and try to move on. I just feel bad for her kids (my step children). They finally had a steady dad who loved them and cared for them. I just hope that my wife doesn't blindside them with trying to cover up her mistakes that she has made. Our daughter is my biggest concern. Luckily she is still a little young, 4 YO, to understand what is going on, but she apparently understands enough to the point where she starts to cry and doesn't want to go back home at the end of our visit. My father-in-law has seen this once, my brother-in-law has seen this twice. They both know how close my daughter and I are.


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