# New to fourm, could use some male input.



## AzAlways (Apr 20, 2010)

Hello every one,
So, this is my first time in such a forum. Please bear with me.

The short of my dilemma is this:

I have been married over 12 years. When my husband and I met we discussed so many different aspects of life, including what we did, and did not want in our next relationship. What our expectations of a spouse where, what we could, and could not tolerate. We discussed such topics that many others may find rather humorous or even hilarious. 

We agreed on many of these topics or were able to find a common ground, if nothing else.

Porn was one of these issues. My husband was not in to porn, in any form. He just had no real need or want for it. Okay, great. He also understood my feelings regarding porn, how I did not want any aspect of it in my life in any way. I felt very fortunate to have some one who understood and did not think less of me for my strong feelings on this.

Well, a few years ago I found porn on our computer. You can imagine I was upset. One other reason I was upset is that we have three daughters (ages 18, 15 and 10) that used that computer. When I asked my husband about it he attempted to blame the oldest. 

We talked about it and he gave his 'explanations'. 

Prior to this, and excuse me for going backwards, he was on dating sites, saying he was divorced, and chatting with woman. Our 15 year old daughter was the one who happened on to this. We worked past that, well, not completely but we were making progress. Then the porn.

Let me add this in. I do not mean to add in TMI but it is relevant. I have lost just about all of my sex drive due to the physical pain sex causes me. This is due to medical issues concerning having had a hyster and well, other 'female' issues. I have tried every thing recommended by the doctors and then some. 

Also, since my hyster about 4 years ago I have gained a good 30 pounds. I am indeed working on getting the rest off and even considering the weight gain, my self confidence was not bad at all. Until all of the above.

Okay, let me try to wrap up this novel. 

I do not like who my husband has become, or who he may have always been yet I was not aware. I have found more porn on the computer, saved to disks, etc. When he is out of town he engaged in it. He has made every attempt to lie to me about it.

Yesterday I guess he felt he could not lie any longer. 

I do not trust him. I have not gained back trust from his dating site crap or the previous porn. He did say he would never do those things again. Well, he lied. And honestly, what else is he doing? I admit my mind plays games. I hate this. I cannot live this way, I do not like feeling this way and quite frankly, I do not deserve to be disrespected this way.

Don't get me wrong, please do not take from this novel the idea that I have done nothing to cause issues in our marriage. Goodness, I am too old to think otherwise. But his behavior is not acceptable.

He refused counseling a few years ago, stating he is too busy. Now he mentions going but only to some one a 'friend' of his has recommended. 

He also has told me that I am free to leave if I am not happy.

Any input, advice, scolding.............any thing would be appreciated as at this point I admit I am desperate. 

If you made it through this novel, thank you!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am 47 - married just over 20 years. No porn in our marriage now, though I used earlier in the marriage as an overflow valve to address the difference between my very very high drive and wife's average drive.

I agree with the communication, compatibility and trust stuff. So lets back up to the beginning. At the start you made it clear that porn was not acceptable to you. And I think that is fine. What do you believe your responsibilities are within your marriage to ensure that your husband is sexually satisfied using the 5 reference points from least to most:

1. Not responsible: you have sex when you wish to, you don't when you do not wish to and if he has the need for release he can masturbate. 
2. Limited responsibility: You realize that as a man he has at least a moderately strong need for sex - real sex - and while you find it tiresome, you are willing to occasionally have sex (2-3 times a month) even though you don't really want to. And while you don't radiate a desire to please during sex, you also don't radiate anything negative. 
3. Moderate responsibility: You understand that sex is important to him and to how he feels about you. You make an effort to please him at least weekly and you wish your drive was higher.
4. High level of responsibility: You realize that sex is critical to him. You make an effort to keep passion in the marriage and you are sexually playful with him. You make a conscious effort to please him and to make sure he knows that you are attracted to him. You know what he likes sexually and get pleasure from pleasing him. 
5. This is 4 plus making the effort to stay fit if that is important to him. 

Lets start with that and go from there. 

One other thing - if you asked him how satisfied he was with your marital sex life on a 1-5 scale - where 1 is unsatisfied and 5 is ecstatic, how did that satisfaction level evolve over time?




JGrink said:


> "I do not trust him. I have not gained back trust from his dating site crap or the previous porn. He did say he would never do those things again. Well, he lied."
> 
> A loving relationship has three cornerstones; communication, compatibility and trust. To the extent that these are honored the relationship will flourish and to the extent that they are not the relationship will flounder. You are faced with a tough decision best stated by the late Ann Landers; are you better off with him or without him. Rock...You...Hard Place
> Good luck to you.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One last point on this: 

I think I am better off, and our marriage is better off without porn. With that said my wife is a 5 on the sexual responsibility scale even though her desire level is definitely lower than mine. She really really makes the effort. 

You cannot claim that he is your sexual property unless he is ALSO your sexual responsibility. 




AzAlways said:


> Hello every one,
> So, this is my first time in such a forum. Please bear with me.
> 
> The short of my dilemma is this:
> ...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Wait minute - you never have sex with him? 

Obviously his sex drive didn't end with your hysterectomy. He must be in a living hell having lost that part of your relationship together. You're whipping him about porn?!?!?!


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> ...You cannot claim that he is your sexual property unless he is ALSO your sexual responsibility.


Hmmpph, I expect this to really turn over a hornets nest :scratchhead:

Maybe everybody is sleeping...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Funny - she wanted feedback - until she got it. 

The interesting thing is that her guy has clearly gone into full blown indifference towards her over this. Any time a woman says she is thinking about leaving him and he says "go right ahead" the relationship is dead, and just waiting for someone to sign papers. 




Atholk said:


> Wait minute - you never have sex with him?
> 
> Obviously his sex drive didn't end with your hysterectomy. He must be in a living hell having lost that part of your relationship together. You're whipping him about porn?!?!?!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I stand by the property/responsibility statement and more importantly my wife agrees with it as well. If others don't - that is their choice. 

No one takes your balls away by force. Most men who no longer have any - gave theirs up a fraction at a time. 



OneMarriedGuy said:


> Hmmpph, I expect this to really turn over a hornets nest :scratchhead:
> 
> Maybe everybody is sleeping...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

mem, right on


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

OK, this is my take on it. Don't know if it right or wrong - just my guess.

On thing you may not know, or maybe have forgotten, is that sex is more than just "release", it has emotional bonding, it has self-worth factors, it has confirmation of desire and acceptance by your mate factors.

>Porn is not his first choice - you are (judging by your statements)
>You have denied him
>Porn cannot possibly fill the void the denial has left (see above) as it only satisfies the release - thus a resentment towards you builds as well
>His hiding it could just as easily be because he is embarrassed as to have to resort to porn or simply not to "shove it in your face" and hurt you - so the trust issue, while valid to you, is most likely not a based in a true trust situation.

Now on your side - I have no idea what a hysterectomy does to you or how it does affect sex drive. And just how important having a sex drive is in relationship to meeting you spouses needs. I sure as hell know I have no "Housecleaning drive"

In the end, I think your marriage would be better served by you understanding that both of you are feeling a loss here. Try to approach it form that perspective and that you really don't know what can be done to change it. Try to figure it out together and if your marriage is important enough, maybe even seek professional help. If he is willing to go to a counselor that his friend recommends why not go and see what you think? Does the fact that a friend of his recommended it automatically make it a bad one?

As you've seen, he is not too inboard right now. Which is why I think you should take him up on any counselor at all just to have a start. I'll try to give you some insight as to why...

He feels you deserted him, pushed him away, have no love or desire for him. Feels you emasculated him into porn and now are scorning, ridiculing and punishing him for being there.

Don't go into a depression over this, simply try to see his side as well. If possible show him your side and that you care (if you get to that point - honestly doesn't sound like you are now). See in love what could be worked out...


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

This post is not real. It simply can't be. I don't know how/why people get their jollies by engaging others on the internet in order to get attention. I must say many are pretty elaborate stories. I want to write a book some day soon and truly aspire to their ability.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> This post is not real. It simply can't be. I don't know how/why people get their jollies by engaging others on the internet in order to get attention. I must say many are pretty elaborate stories. I want to write a book some day soon and truly aspire to their ability.


Color me dumb, but why can't it be? Simply because they have not had the courtesy to respond? Many people who don't hear just what they wanted to hear would get mad and do just that. 

I'm not trying to be argumentative here (and realize depending on how you read this is easily could look that way) I am actually wondering why you think this. The story sounds plausible to me.

Edjurmerkate me


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## citizen56 (May 11, 2010)

She never responded, so my guess is she's really a troll.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Seems like there have been times where I've posted on other forums during a time of "great need" and maybe only checked back once to find few or no responses. I may have some 300 page thread somewhere on WebMD that I started and never revisited - and by now I don't remember my password.

Its the people who claim they need sex 10 times a day and their spouse only wants it 5 that I suspect to be trolls.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

OneMarriedGuy, sorry I didn't come back to this thread sooner. Forgot all about it and didn't expect to be questioned. But I don't believe it is real because it makes no sense to deny sex for 4 years and then complain that the poor man turned to pornography. And, she calls it disrespectful and says she doesn't deserve that. Surely this simply can't be real.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Sadly, it hits rather close to home for me. So maybe I felt the reality seemed little more that a put away thatn a far drive.

At any rate thanks for replying ... at this point I kinda forgot all about it too


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