# I'm hopeful....but scared



## hereshoping

I am new here, so my first post is a bit long, but I wanted to fit everything in as best I could to give you the whole picture. My husband left on Oct. 25th. He didn't want to leave, I told him to go, I told him our marriage was over and there was nothing he could do to fix it (he asked more than once).

We have gone through A LOT this year. I made some bad, BAD decisions and chose my friends over my husband on 2 very specific occasions. At the time I was able to 'justify' my decisions as I was doing nothing wrong, he was trying to control me, etc. He didn't handle either one very well, but after the 1st one he took his share of the blame (at the time I let him take all of it), begged me to work on things and put forth 100% effort. Because of everything going on I didn't accept this, I wasn't trying to make things work, I had one foot out the door hence making the 2nd situation possible, which totally devastated him. He hit rock bottom then, I asked that we work on things, told him I was sorry, etc...., but in reality I never tried then either. So even with all his effort I told him his best wasn't good enough and he left.

The first week I was happy, yeah this is what I want, I'm FREE! We drew up separation papers, signed them, and he left. He was very angry the first week. At the end of the first week his best friend put him in touch with another female, out of state, that was going through a divorce as well and they started texting and emailing. Two weeks in I wasn't feeling so great. I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I had a devoted husband, who loved me unconditionally and would have done ANYTHING in his power for me. He never wanted a go out and do things w/ our friends party lifestyle, his TOP PRIORITY was his wife and kids. I did a lot of soul searching. I looked in the mirror and started recognizing AND ADMITTING TO my own faults. I stepped up and took responsibility for my own actions. I asked him to come home. At first he said no, this time was it, but he did agree to go to counseling.

After our first session I basically gave him a choice the next day. I had a promising job interview in my hometown. It is a small town and the position preferred experience that I had, and quite a bit of, that noone else there had, plus the person hiring was a distant family member and we shared a good common friend. I was basically promised the position before the interview. So I told him I am willing to change, for the first time I WANT to change, but I'm at a crossroads I can either change and put our family first to rebuilding a better, stronger marriage or I can change and build myself up to live on my own, raising our two kids and supporting myself. I told him I needed to know something, because I couldn't start down one path only to have all my progress snatched from under me a few months in because he finally made a decision. This was on a Saturday. He had the children through Monday at our home while I stayed at my parents. I told him I would come home Monday, he could go back to where he as living, we would go to our next MC on Wednesday (with NC prior to), I asked that we spend Thanksgiving together, then he would have the kids for the weekend again and when I returned home that Sunday he could either A) go get his clothes from where he was staying or B) We would move forward with a divorce and I would start my new job Dec. 1st. It didn't take him long to make the decision, when I returned home on Monday he went and got his clothes and moved back in. He made me fully aware it would be a LONG road, he still had doubts, but he would swallow his pride one last time and come home. He also made it clear that his feelings were far different than before. He did not have the same love for me and he didn't know how long it would take to get that back.

He came home, we have talked A LOT....about everything. Communication has ALWAYS been our strong point, he's always been 100% truthful with me, honestly even at times he should not have been. Things were going O.K. we were working on things. Now for the big reveal. The 'other woman'! He told me they were ONLY friends, she lived out of state, he needed someone to talk to, she was there. He made sure I knew they still had contact, but very limited and not daily like when we were separated. The part he left out was the day we went to MC the first time she came back to her hometown, where he was living, for the holiday. As we were sitting in MC and he was saying NOTHING was going on he had a date with her THAT NIGHT!!! I knew this....how I don't know. I had no way of knowing she was coming in, but that night I KNEW in my heart something was wrong...dreamed about it....even dreamed of the place they met! His other friend was with him and I honestly believe it only happened once.

I do BELIEVE my husband when he says nothing happened. I didn't get all this info until yesterday when I read her blog though. She posted how her heart was bleeding. She posted a text convo. between the two of them where she asked if meeting was a mistake, which he replied No, but I'm in a 'strange spot' and do not want to mislead you. She went on to say how hard those words hit her and had reminded her she was alive again only to be stabbed again. I confronted him, I knew they were his words, I know him, how he writes. He admitted to it. He told me they met, when/ where, etc. He promised he would break it off with her today and I could read EVERYTHING when he did it. He would make it clear where he stood. He told me the feelings were not mutual and the earlier messages was his way of backing away. He says he had no idea, until reading the blog I showed him, that her feelings were so strong. He said he had really just wanted a friend, someone to listen to him. He did NOT start this before he moved out. I told him we're DONE, there is NOTHING you can do to fix us. He was hurting and just wanted someone to help him get his mind off of me, a way to cope with everything going on. I believe this.

I also know she was in town the entire week of Thanksgiving. I had given him that entire week to make his decision, but instead he came home Monday afternoon. They met on Friday night, texted some Saturday until his phone went dead then Sunday and Monday while he was with the boys I know they had NO CONTACT. My son has a cell, but he didn't contact her on it and our internet was disconnected. He moved home that Monday night. He was w/ me all day Tues, all day Thursday, Friday and Saturday. She left to go home on Friday. Had he really have been interested in something more with her I fully believe he would have taken the fully week I gave him and spent as much time with her while she was here as possible, but he didn't, he was with ME! I also know from the texts on her blog that she knew this, she knew things changed after they met and he was backing away. He had no way of knowing I would find any of this. So I do trust that he was not interested in moving foward with this. He told me that he never knew she felt that strongly and while he enjoyed the extra attention and the sympathetic ear he did not develop those type feelings for her. He told me he did feel he owed her more than a never contact me again text. She didn't ask for this, she didn't contact him, he was the one that led her to have those feelings and to just be a complete ass is out of character for him (TRUE), but he will end things today and make sure it is abundantly clear to her this is it. So how do I take all this?

We are going to MC every other week and I'm going to IC the weeks in between. I have A LOT of work to do, because I am the one that drove us here. I told him to leave, he never asked to go. I told him it was OVER...nothing could be done. Only after he left and I hit rock bottom did I truly realize how much he and our marriage meant to me and how much I wanted to save it. So I'm at the point now I'm hurt beyond measure from reading another woman, who after 3 weeks has a "bleeding heart" for my husband of 13 years, but I'm the one that drove him to her. I'm the one who destroyed him to the point he was looking for somebody, anybody to ease the pain and help him move foward and put us behind him because in his eyes, and mine at the time, we were over for good, no going back, nothing left at home. I'm more in love with my husband now than I have ever been. I know now that the only thing I want is for us to use all this to make us stronger and rebuild our marriage, but how do I deal with the pain and THE GUILT? Do you think he's truthful about ending it or with all the pain I've cause him will this new person who he is intrigued with and finds interesting, new and exciting look better than committing to a marriage that is in shambles at the moment and will take A LOT of work and A LOT of time and effort to restore?

I know this was VERY LONG, so THANK YOU for taking the time to read it. At this moment this is all I have for support and advice. The one 'true' friend I thought I had was actually a HUGE part of the reason we got to this point in the beginning. She was like a sister to him, he had known her longer than me, she set us up, he was extremely close to her (platonic only and this I KNOW), but when they fell out (over the 1st incident) she basically wanted to hurt him in every way possible (she is very power hunger. munipulative and self absorbed, both of us knew this, but since we were always on her side it was never and issue). She was basically talking to me everyday, letting me know I deserved better, than everything was his fault, pushing me to go....w/o ever actually saying that and when she would say anything negative it would be followed by how much she used to love him, how close they were, how she missed him, but he'd just never chang. She had an in that most people wouldn't get because of how close we both were to her. I knew they were on the outs, but they had had these brother/ sister fallouts before, so I trusted she would never be in it just to hurt him even though he and I both know when she is out for revenge of a perceived wrong she will stop at NOTHING to get it. I was awakened when I started telling her I wanted to change some of my issues and she kept turning it on him and when I told her he was moving home she said then "we're done".....so my one 'true' friend was no friend at all. I had to chose her or my husband and I chose him! So now I'm left with all this and noone to turn to, so THANKS for listening and ANY advice, guidance, similar situations, support is GREATLY APPRECIATED!


----------



## swedish

Welcome, hereshoping.

First, your 'friend' reminds me of the saying 'misery loves company'...sounds as if she is not in a good place and wants to drag you down with her.

On the other hand, this could also be a good time for you and your husband to meet and befriend other married couples who understand the commitments of marriage and family.

As far as this other woman, you seemed to have gone into great detail on what you believe this amounted to and your husband's role in this. For what it's worth, I really think you need to believe what you wrote and let it go. From what you post, he seems to be an honest person and would never have pursued another woman if you hadn't made it clear to him the marriage was over. It was also clear by her "bleeding heart" that he handled the situation as best as one could hope for seeing that he had another chance to work on the marriage.


----------



## F-102

I would definitely give H the benefit of the doubt. I don't think there was really anything going on between him and "bleeding heart", I think he was just confused with you slamming the door on him, and he just needed a shoulder to lean on. (Personally, I think that showed tremendous restraint and temperance on his part, seeing that a "rebound affair" was a bad idea at the time, and he still held out hope for you).
Give him time-don't expect him to forgive and forget overnight, he is probably still shocked at your previous decision, and still is treading very warily as to letting you back in. I know that I would.
He probably thinks that you're walking on eggshells, too.

But overall, I think that you are off to a promising re-start. Give it time, don't let your emotions get the best of you, and be patient.

And, for God's sake, GET THAT TOXIC "FRIEND" OUT OF BOTH OF YOUR LIVES. She obviously couldn't stand the thought that you were happy and she wasn't, and to make it worse, you were happy with "her" man, (I'll bet anything that she tells anyone who will listen that you "stole" him!) and she tried to sabotage it-and, oh, how close she came to fulfilling that scenario!


----------

