# The Silent Treatment



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Do you use it or have it used against you? How effect is it? Going on 24 hours of silent treatment from the H. I spoke to him only once today and he ignored me. I wanted to hit him. Red flag! 

He just went to bed and I hear him tossing and turning. I just wanna walk in there and strangle him. Last time this happened he got over it by the end of the day. Not this time.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

People are often silent when they are incredibly overwhelmed with emotion. In my professional opinion, giving the silent treatment is very rarely a good thing for relationships.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

It's very maddening. Especially since it happened over stupid crap. I'm not going to grovel and apologize because I did nothing wrong, he just has a quick temper and flipped out over something stupid.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Recipient and giver. Played both sides of the field. Sometimes I used it as a manipulative technique. However, near the end of living with current H, I just shut up because it was pointless to attempt a rational conversation with a drunk.

It's not effective, but for the person dishing it out, they feel like they're in control. Control of what, I'm not sure. It's pretty sadistic, when you think about it. Also childish: "I'll just pick up all my marbles and go play at home. Meh!"

You're in the mood to get physical and slam him one. That is precisely what he wants you to do. After all, he is silent; he is above it all. That's crap, but if you start yelling or throwing stuff, he'll pull the holier-than-thou stance and tell you that you're behaving like a crazy woman. I lived with a passive-aggressive alkie who could out-wait me for weeks. The last year we lived together, I was too worn out from it all, so I shut up and ignored him. I didn't have anymore fight left in me.

So, you have a choice - go in there like the world's heavyweight champ and lay into him, grit your teeth and wait to eventually erupt, or find a way to calm down. Can you call a friend and vent? How about a family member? Vent away here. It helps lots of folks.

Just hang tough ... don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you lose it, because that, I believe, is what he is hoping for.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Then let him stew, and when he gets over it.... see if you can discuss being more productive than that.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

A couple got into an argument. The husband gave the wife the silent treatment, which he often did after an argument, and this was infuriating to the wife. 

This time, when W went to bed she saw a note asking her to wake him up at 7, as he had an important meeting.

Well, the H woke up...looked at the clock and freaked because it was 8:00! Then he saw the note his W had left, it said "It's 7. Wake up."


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Recipient and giver. Played both sides of the field. Sometimes I used it as a manipulative technique. However, near the end of living with current H, I just shut up because it was pointless to attempt a rational conversation with a drunk.
> 
> It's not effective, but for the person dishing it out, they feel like they're in control. Control of what, I'm not sure. It's pretty sadistic, when you think about it. Also childish: "I'll just pick up all my marbles and go play at home. Meh!"
> 
> ...


I vented to one of my friends right after the fight last night through text. Couldn't call anyone because it's a one bedroom apartment and therefore no privacy if I want to talk about him. I tried to speak to him today...TRIED. He was making dinner and I went up to him and asked if he wanted me to help him and....nothing. He has never ignored me before. I just kissed my teeth and sat back down. Other than that I didn't show him at all that I was mildly irritated by it. I spoke on the phone with a friend today over her problems and was laughing and just carrying on like nothing was wrong.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Then let him stew, and when he gets over it.... see if you can discuss being more productive than that.


I could try and discuss it with him...wish me luck! He has anger problems and he does this instead of snapping at me and verbally abusing me. I'm glad he doesn't do the latter but this doesn't help either. It's just infuriating that I have to sit there and wait for him to get over it. 

The last time he did this he spoke to me in the evening after silence all day...of course he made it seem like I was the one who was upset and broke the ice with "So are you gonna talk?"

ffs...


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> A couple got into an argument. The husband gave the wife the silent treatment, which he often did after an argument, and this was infuriating to the wife.
> 
> This time, when W went to bed she saw a note asking her to wake him up at 7, as he had an important meeting.
> 
> Well, the H woke up...looked at the clock and freaked because it was 8:00! Then he saw the note his W had left, it said "It's 7. Wake up."



Nice! I like!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I walked many, many miles in your shoes. I was married to a guy who had MAJOR anger management problems. Generally, he had a pattern after we had been married for several years. Come Thursday, I could count on an outburst over some trivial matter - real or imagined. Then it was silence until Monday.

I eventually learned that he couldn't jump all over me if I simply told him I was making dinner and would he liked his served in the living room in front of the t.v. And I asked him in a calm, pleasant manner. He was genuinely confused because I wasn't reacting in the way he expected.

Yes, it sucked big-time, and I felt like I was selling myself out. But it was suck it up or risk his rage or getting hit. I was a battered spouse for almost five years before I finally had the guts to walk out at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night. 

I can only speak from my personal experience, but I am NOT a screamer, hitter, or the type who goes ballistic; however, I sat on RAGE for many years. The night I let loose scared me ex because he never thought the mouse would roar.

You may just find out that you will get so damn sick and tired of his nonsense, that you will eventually walk out. P.S. - After I left that night I returned one time - with three big guys who helped me move all my stuff out. End of nightmare.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The silent treatment is immature and stupid. I wouldn't tolerate it. Seriously, if you want to ignore me, you can leave. There's a hotel down the street.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

that_girl said:


> The silent treatment is immature and stupid. I wouldn't tolerate it. Seriously, if you want to ignore me, you can leave. There's a hotel down the street.


I agree. I can't say that though, it's his place, he pays for everything. Partly why I've stayed quiet all this time. Last night I just decided to fight back and bam, he gets quiet longer than he ever has before. smh..


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I walked many, many miles in your shoes. I was married to a guy who had MAJOR anger management problems. Generally, he had a pattern after we had been married for several years. Come Thursday, I could count on an outburst over some trivial matter - real or imagined. Then it was silence until Monday.
> 
> I eventually learned that he couldn't jump all over me if I simply told him I was making dinner and would he liked his served in the living room in front of the t.v. And I asked him in a calm, pleasant manner. He was genuinely confused because I wasn't reacting in the way he expected.
> 
> ...



I'll try to talk to him about it. If he doesn't respond well to it, then some big decisions will have to be made on my part.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I don't tolerate the silent treatment either, EVER. When I was a child, my father used it on me. The worst was when I was 13 and he didn't speak to me for 4 months (yes, months, and yes, we lived in the same house) - during which I was very sick and in the hospital (unrelated to the reason he wasn't speaking to me - which was because he has poor hearing and misheard something I said and interpreted it as disrespectful when in fact I hadn't even said anything like that at all!). Ever since then I simply don't tolerate it. I'm upfront about it with people, though. My husband and my previous BFs all knew about my father and my history with this particular method of manipulation. I would so much rather fight, yell, get it all out and deal with it. My H knows that if he gives me the silent treatment, it is basically unforgivable. I don't think the M would recover from that. It probably sounds crazy but to me that is like physical abuse might be to someone else - a dealbreaker.

I suppose it goes without saying that I don't use the silent treatment on others either!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I agree. I can't say that though, it's his place, he pays for everything. Partly why I've stayed quiet all this time. Last night I just decided to fight back and bam, he gets quiet longer than he ever has before. smh..


You're married. It's his place so that means he gets to act like a child because you're scared of ....what exactly? That he'll kick you out? :scratchhead: You're his wife. This should not be a fear to you.

If someone is giving the silent treatment and you're being more vocal and getting more annoyed, the more power or control they will perceive themselves as having. If you stay calm and collected, the more energy you reserve for yourself and the less power you have given them. I've seen this, not experienced it.

I wouldn't accept this behavior. No way. It's immature. And in saying that, tantrums aren't for grown ups either. What would you do if a child acted this way with you? I'd imagine you'd calmly tell them you're getting on with [mention activity] and when they're ready to talk, they can come find you. Then walk away *shrug* but whadda I know?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

When i try to talk about it with my husband he says : " Well you aren't talking either " What a B**sh*t !!! Hate it , don't know how long i'm gonna stand it!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SepticChange said:


> It's very maddening. Especially since it happened over stupid crap. I'm not going to grovel and apologize because I did nothing wrong, he just has a quick temper and flipped out over something stupid.


I am curious what the Stupid crap was ? Sometimes it is *HOW *we say something, not necessarily the words that irritate someone, you obviously pushed his buttons. Was it "words", or something you did, was it bad timing, he was having a really bad day ...what led up to this episode?

I am like Omega, although I have never had a family member use it on me, I did have a close Girlfriend do it. In that situation, I was at fault for saying something to hurt her- that got back to her, and it cut like a knife, but I said the comment out of MY HURT, ya know, stupid stuff like that. 

I am a "confronter" personally, when someone tries to use this on me, If I care about them ... I will go and spill my guts honestly to how I might have contributed to their irritation, if they still want to play this retarded game after I've made this effort, so long as they are not my husband, my hands are tied, I have to "let them go"- it falls on them at that point. So far in life, this works like a charm, they open up to me, and we find "peace". 

BUt to deal with this in Marrage, yeah, total deal breaker. Wouldn't work for me at all. This is death to communication and moving forward, this is choosing to build all sorts of ugly behaviors, it's an emotional slap in the face. 

Think real hard.... if there is anything you did or could have done differently to avoid what happened- that caused him to react to you like this, what would it be? You might want to start there. It is "something" to Break the Ice. Why avoid the elephant in the room. People who use this are HURTING too. They are just too damn stubborn to admit it and yes, using it as "control". 

Such a patheitc TIME waster, life is too short.


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## lovinthemoments (Sep 19, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Do you use it or have it used against you? How effect is it? Going on 24 hours of silent treatment from the H. I spoke to him only once today and he ignored me. I wanted to hit him. Red flag!
> 
> He just went to bed and I hear him tossing and turning. I just wanna walk in there and strangle him. Last time this happened he got over it by the end of the day. Not this time.[/QU YES I DEAL WITH THAT ALOT OFF AND ON 4 the past 3yrs. AS of now silent treatment 4 wk and half..I have been considering moving out its gona be HARD but so healthy 4 our kids and myself. The silence makes me feel uncomfortable sad lonely unloved not wanted it really really hurts more that I could EVER explain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Honestly, when folks toss around words like "stupid" and use phrases like "I want to hit" or "I just want to strangle" freely... what I get from that is raw, unchecked, unhealthy aggression.

Freezing somebody out might not be the best way to deal with abuse like name calling (do you call him stupid?) or threats, but it could be a dysfunctional, co-dependent way of coping with aggression.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I could try and discuss it with him...wish me luck! He has anger problems and he does this instead of snapping at me and verbally abusing me. I'm glad he doesn't do the latter but this doesn't help either. It's just infuriating that I have to sit there and wait for him to get over it.
> 
> The last time he did this he spoke to me in the evening after silence all day...of course he made it seem like I was the one who was upset and broke the ice with "So are you gonna talk?"
> 
> ffs...



So is he normally verbally abusive? I wondered about this when I read your first post. The silent treatment is part of emotional abuse. I really don't think he is doing this so that he won't snap at you (even if that is what he claims later as an excuse) I think this is a control tactic. After a couple of days of the silent treatment he is betting that you will behave yourself and not do whatever it was that ticked him off to begin with. He is punishing you and getting you back inline. Whatever you do don't follow him around like a little kid wanting his approval again. Just go about your business and let him be. The less you let this get to you the less likely he is to do it again.


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## lovinthemoments (Sep 19, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Honestly, when folks toss around words like "stupid" and use phrases like "I want to hit" or "I just want to strangle" freely... what I get from that is raw, unchecked, unhealthy aggression.
> 
> Freezing somebody out might not be the best way to deal with abuse like name calling (do you call him stupid?) or threats, but it could be a dysfunctional, co-dependent way of coping with aggression.[/QU In the entire time of our relationship we have never called each other bad names of any kind...although 1x he did tell me dont act like a [email protected]/h i dont feel he was calling me a bad name. We are not violent at all do not scream at each other. He just shuts down distants his self from me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lovinthemoments said:


> He just shuts down distants his self from me.


OK, you had me worried with the "hitting", "strangling", "stupid" and other similiar comments.

Once name-calling and such start, communication stops, and whoever you are talking to goes into "defensive" mode (which is usually fight or flight).

If he told you, "You are angry, and I'd prefer discussing this when you have calmed down", would that be an improvement?


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

In the past I have give my husband the silent treatment 
I agree that its stupid. It never my intention to go all silent but I seem to do it because Im trying to avoid an argument. Im trying not to get angry so it ends like that

Everything between my husband and I are fine just now (clutching a piece of wood) but when we have arguments its about the same thing all the time. We have had verrrrrrryyyyyy many heart to heart talks about the problem, so I get fed up saying the same things, hearing sorry and then feeling guilty, so I found myself just not saying anything.


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## lovinthemoments (Sep 19, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> OK, you had be worried with the "hitting", "strangling", "stupid" and other similiar comments.
> 
> Once name-calling and such start, communication stops, and whoever you are talking to goes into "defensive" mode (which is usually fight or flight).
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Septic--I can relate. My ex would give the silent treatment habitually. It could last for days/week(s) sometimes. It's very very emotionally abusive when used in a pattern. Stonewalling your partner does not fix anything.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> So is he normally verbally abusive? I wondered about this when I read your first post. The silent treatment is part of emotional abuse. I really don't think he is doing this so that he won't snap at you (even if that is what he claims later as an excuse) I think this is a control tactic. After a couple of days of the silent treatment he is betting that you will behave yourself and not do whatever it was that ticked him off to begin with. He is punishing you and getting you back inline. Whatever you do don't follow him around like a little kid wanting his approval again. Just go about your business and let him be. The less you let this get to you the less likely he is to do it again.


Well I really do believe it's his way of calming himself down. I just wish he'd find a different way. I didn't try to get his attention anymore. I ignored him the rest of the evening and all of today. And what I did was go about my business and let him be.

He isn't normally verbally abusive. I actually didn't see this as being abusive, just immature.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am curious what the Stupid crap was ? Sometimes it is *HOW *we say something, not necessarily the words that irritate someone, you obviously pushed his buttons. Was it "words", or something you did, was it bad timing, he was having a really bad day ...what led up to this episode?
> 
> I am like Omega, although I have never had a family member use it on me, I did have a close Girlfriend do it. In that situation, I was at fault for saying something to hurt her- that got back to her, and it cut like a knife, but I said the comment out of MY HURT, ya know, stupid stuff like that.
> 
> ...


He's been stressed out and I haven't realized it. But I made a small joke about his laundry still laying on the bed after sitting there all day :scratchhead: He gets all irritable and says he'd been working all day and that it just slipped his mind. I pushed his buttons even more by yelling back at him because I thought it was idiotic to get upset over THAT and it just made things worse. He slept on the couch that night.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Things are back to normal again. I got the silent treatment again today and yet again he broke the ice earlier this evening with "So are you gonna talk to me?" Ugh. I told him if he wanted to talk then he could talk.

Over dinner he explained his behavior which is a first. He's been stressed out with work and all the crap the army is giving him because he is trying to get out in the next couple of months and had a court date today he was nervous about....etc....

He explained how he's been on edge and didn't mean to shut me out and was struggling with his emotions on the inside. Not exactly an apology but he did sound apologetic and even looked a little embarrassed. If only I could get him to open up more then that's a step in the right direction.

We're talking again and carrying on as usual.


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

I am a victim of the silent treatment. I have been for years. It's an immature abusive practice. Fortunately, my wife has gotten a little better with it. It's nowhere nears as bad as it used to be.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

How exactly do they become better? Do you talk about it ? I wonder because my husband really think "" that's not our biggest problem"" But i really think that''a our problem after all! Can''t make him believe me when i say that hurts the most!


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

Silent treatment is emotional manipulation. Completing ignoring someone and acting as he or she doesn't exist (although they are in the same room) is awful. This is a childish, negative behavior which achieves nothing. A mature person would discuss the problems.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Charlene, unfortunately in my experience (I'm the one with the father who gave me the silent treatment for 4 months when I was a kid), they don't get better. He recently gave my mom the silent treatment for well over a month - during which she was traveling internationally - because she was in a MINOR car accident which damaged the car. The man is 75 years old. They DON'T get better. They DON'T grow out of this behavior. If someone is a silent treatment type, they lack the ability and desire to communicate with the other person. Most people call it "immature," but I call it pathological. 

He doesn't believe you that it's what hurts the most because he thinks HE'S the one who's been "wounded" and the silent treatment isn't just his way of getting back at you, it's his way of sulking and telling you "see how much you hurt me". So he thinks HE is the one who is hurting. As long as he is giving you the silent treatment, he believes that HE is offended, and HE deserves the apology, and HE is the one who is hurt. He probably justifies it to himself by thinking "my not speaking to her doesn't bother her because she obviously doesn't even care about me, otherwise she wouldn't have said/done whatever it was that made me stop talking to her." Or "If I talk to her she'll just find a way to make me feel bad so by not talking to her, I'm defending myself."

It's ALL bulls***. Nothing p's me off more than the silent treatment, can you tell? LOL.


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

I'm not exactly sure how she got stopped doing it. When we dated she would give me the silent treatment for weeks! When we first got married it could go a week. Then I started telling her that the silent treatment was a form of emotional abuse! I hope she got it. Perhaps it was after we got our daughter... She has given me the silent treatment a few times since our daughter was born. But as she grew my wife gave it less. Now she just yells and fights back. LOL. I would rather have her yell and fight back than not talk or look at me for days on end. 

Perhaps you can find information online about how the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, print it out and have your husband read it?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Omega: My father is also like that. Actually both my parents do it, i''ve seen them a million time not talking ,that was very hurtfull for me back then.And now i am with the same type of person....I believe they really thing they are the only one get hurt ,but i also thing they do it to hurt the other person too.
Once i read a deffinition of this type of behavior ""The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a powerstruggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less""

WayTooAverage: I really think that better for you too/ yelling and fighting /  Hope you will never have to face this ever again.
About the information in interenet.... i read non-stop about it. He''s not interested ...like i said he replies"" You do it too ,you aren''t talking either"" May be i''ll give it another try.And the other thing...the only good information i find about this issue is in english,and he''s not that good in english...
There was this article in our language,which my sister printed for my mother to read and learn, i gave it to my husband ,i believe he didn''t touch it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

charlene said:


> How exactly do they become better? Do you talk about it ? I wonder because my husband really think "" that's not our biggest problem"" But i really think that''a our problem after all! Can''t make him believe me when i say that hurts the most!


Habitual sulkers don't "become better." They usually get worse over time. It is emotional abuse. 

The fact that you told him it's one of the biggest problems for you and he shut you down tells you all you need to know. He doesn't believe it's a problem so he will continue to do it. you have to decide what you are willing to tolerate/accept. 

And you're correct--you cannot "make him" do/believe/say/stop anything. 



Nickitta said:


> Silent treatment is emotional manipulation. Completing ignoring someone and acting as he or she doesn't exist (although they are in the same room) is awful. This is a childish, negative behavior which achieves nothing. A mature person would discuss the problems.


Agree. It's ostracizing someone is the coldest/most callous way.



omega said:


> Charlene, unfortunately in my experience (I'm the one with the father who gave me the silent treatment for 4 months when I was a kid), they don't get better. He recently gave my mom the silent treatment for well over a month. The man is 75 years old. They DON'T get better. They DON'T grow out of this behavior. If someone is a silent treatment type, they lack the ability and desire to communicate with the other person. Most people call it "immature," but I call it pathological.
> 
> He doesn't believe you that it's what hurts the most because he thinks HE'S the one who's been "wounded" and the silent treatment isn't just his way of getting back at you, it's his way of sulking and telling you "see how much you hurt me". So he thinks HE is the one who is hurting. As long as he is giving you the silent treatment, he believes that HE is offended, and HE deserves the apology, and HE is the one who is hurt. He probably justifies it to himself by thinking "my not speaking to her doesn't bother her because she obviously doesn't even care about me, otherwise she wouldn't have said/done whatever it was that made me stop talking to her." Or "If I talk to her she'll just find a way to make me feel bad so by not talking to her, I'm defending myself."


BINGO! It's a form of control. They don't see it as wrong and/or don't care enough that it hurts your feelings. People who use this in a pattern have a strong sense of entitlement and are more than likely narcissistic. I can't tell you how many times I told my ex how much it hurt when he did this and I'd cry and cry. He refused counselling and said "I only do that because you/they/people X." Always an excuse. Ridiculous.


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Things are back to normal again. I got the silent treatment again today and yet again he broke the ice earlier this evening with "So are you gonna talk to me?" Ugh. I told him if he wanted to talk then he could talk.
> 
> Over dinner he explained his behavior which is a first. He's been stressed out with work and all the crap the army is giving him because he is trying to get out in the next couple of months and had a court date today he was nervous about....etc....
> 
> ...


Good for him. It sounds as if it's extremely difficult for him to talk about his emotions. Although I wouldn't tolerate the silent treatment in my marriage, I think for some men it feels like the only safe route for them when they're feeling overwhelmed by stress or emotion.

I try to imagine my late father saying something like your husband did, and I can't. He was a good man, but the simplest emotions could leave him confused and unsure of himself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse

Silent Treatment, How Are You Being Controlled

The Art of Intimacy: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research

The silent treatment and "cooling down" are not the same. Sometimes, when a person doesn't want to get into an argument or escalate a disagreement/discussion into something bad, they may say "Can we talk about this later when we've both calmed down?" There is nothing wrong with that and that's respectful, as long as you DO talk about it later and get to the bottom things. The silent treatment when done habitually is f-cked up. It's emotional abuse, pure and simple.

Omega--I can so relate to your story. My ex once went 1 1/2 months without saying a word to me.


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## Sully6 (Mar 3, 2010)

I don't post much but I will on this one. I am embarrassed to say I did this often to my wife. It took her moving out and giving up on us for me to get it. I've read many books and gone to lots of counseling to learn how to communicate better and am glad to say this CAN change and has for me/us. It is the one element of our problems that stands out the most to me and I so wish I could take it back. For those pessimists out there, marriages can be saved. I feel so good about the changes and my wife has been back home for over 4 months now. It will be a long road back to where we want to be, but please don't stereotype that people can't change. I am here to say you can. The hard part is getting the eyes to open to it !! Once that hurdle is cleared, the solution is easier. But you won't correct a problem until you are willing to accept it IS a problem. In my case it took my wife walking away and an expensive counselor to convince me of how I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. He hit me pretty hard and that's what finally got to me. The problem is finding a counselor like that. He was my third and I only had him for one intensive weekend as I had to travel to see him. Big money, but well spent. Good luck !!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

After twenty odd years I found a solution to the silent treatment that worked for me. I felt that my H fed off me being upset, annoyed, desperate, needy and or hurt when he would go weeks without talking to me and walking out of a room when I entered it. The more miserable I would become the happier he got, literally. I was almost always the one to have to break the stalemate and initiate talking thought whatever the source of the argument was (usually it was over something extremely petty in the great scheme of life). 

One day I just decided I wasn't going to let him get to me and that I alone was responsible for my own happiness and that I would not let him have that power over me anymore. 

Music always lifts my mood so I would put on my fav CDs and enjoy the music, singing and dancing as I went about my business. If I needed to say something to him or ask him something I would in a normal pleasant way. If he chose to ignore me or answer in a negaive way (wanting to continue the silent treatment) I would just not let it bother me and let it be his problem. Initially it felt like I was going through the motions of "pretending" to be happy when he wasn't talking to me but after a time I actually realised that I was much happier and it was no longer an act I was putting on. I genuinely felt good. No more crying silently in the bathroom for me.

Maybe music might not do it for you but there might be something else you can use in its place. Exercise, dancing, something physical that your spouse can see that you are not at their mercy and that they do not control your happiness. 

We still have petty arguments like before but the everlasting silences are a thing of the past because I refuse to play his game. 
Basically I became oblivious to him giving me the silent treatment and hey presto - he would tire of metering it out and start talking to me like a normal human being, even joining in with the singing on occasion. My attitude was - he ain't that important and I from now on I determine my mood and happiness, nobody else.

The silent treatment is manipulative and cruel form of emotional abuse and I choose not to be his victim. That said he may not even realise he is being manipulative and cruel but either way I no longer let him have that control over me anymre and I am SO much better for it. 

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I would probably move out...he could be silent all by himself.

What a turd.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sully6 said:


> I don't post much but I will on this one. I am embarrassed to say I did this often to my wife. It took her moving out and giving up on us for me to get it. I've read many books and gone to lots of counseling to learn how to communicate better and am glad to say this CAN change and has for me/us. It is the one element of our problems that stands out the most to me and I so wish I could take it back. For those pessimists out there, marriages can be saved. I feel so good about the changes and my wife has been back home for over 4 months now. It will be a long road back to where we want to be, but please don't stereotype that people can't change. I am here to say you can. The hard part is getting the eyes to open to it !! Once that hurdle is cleared, the solution is easier. But you won't correct a problem until you are willing to accept it IS a problem. In my case it took my wife walking away and an expensive counselor to convince me of how I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. He hit me pretty hard and that's what finally got to me. The problem is finding a counselor like that. He was my third and I only had him for one intensive weekend as I had to travel to see him. Big money, but well spent. Good luck !!


That's sad.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Kevan said:


> Good for him. It sounds as if it's extremely difficult for him to talk about his emotions. Although I wouldn't tolerate the silent treatment in my marriage, I think for some men it feels like the only safe route for them when they're feeling overwhelmed by stress or emotion.


Bingo. He said himself he doesn't talk about his feelings and even when he was single he'd just keep to himself and not talk to anybody, even his friends or family until he felt better. In a way I understand but he has to be more considerate now that he is married. Plus, if he wants to be silent, fine....at least tell me..say he isn't interested in talking instead of ignoring my question.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, I would probably move out...he could be silent all by himself.
> 
> What a turd.


Girl, if this goes on for years I'd get out...since we only been hitched since July I can't give up just yet.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Advocado said:


> After twenty odd years I found a solution to the silent treatment that worked for me. I felt that my H fed off me being upset, annoyed, desperate, needy and or hurt when he would go weeks without talking to me and walking out of a room when I entered it. The more miserable I would become the happier he got, literally. I was almost always the one to have to break the stalemate and initiate talking thought whatever the source of the argument was (usually it was over something extremely petty in the great scheme of life).
> 
> One day I just decided I wasn't going to let him get to me and that I alone was responsible for my own happiness and that I would not let him have that power over me anymore.
> 
> ...



You're absolutely right. After a while I just quit caring and did my thing. In the back of my mind I was still irritated but it didn't consume my thoughts. Distracting yourself really does work. Once I start working again and have my own vehicle I will be able to handle it better. It just sucks now because I'm at home all day, taking care of the house with no vehicle to get out so it felt kinda stifling. I'm determined to not let it bother me again unless he's straight out rude and verbally abusive. Not worth my blood pressure going up! I'll leave that to him.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Sully6 said:


> I don't post much but I will on this one. I am embarrassed to say I did this often to my wife. It took her moving out and giving up on us for me to get it. I've read many books and gone to lots of counseling to learn how to communicate better and am glad to say this CAN change and has for me/us. It is the one element of our problems that stands out the most to me and I so wish I could take it back. For those pessimists out there, marriages can be saved. I feel so good about the changes and my wife has been back home for over 4 months now. It will be a long road back to where we want to be, but please don't stereotype that people can't change. I am here to say you can. The hard part is getting the eyes to open to it !! Once that hurdle is cleared, the solution is easier. But you won't correct a problem until you are willing to accept it IS a problem. In my case it took my wife walking away and an expensive counselor to convince me of how I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. He hit me pretty hard and that's what finally got to me. The problem is finding a counselor like that. He was my third and I only had him for one intensive weekend as I had to travel to see him. Big money, but well spent. Good luck !!


I'm glad there's hope, thanks for sharing your story. If our wallets and his ego allows it, then I would like to go to counseling one day to work on our communication.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Girl, if this goes on for years I'd get out...since we only been hitched since July I can't give up just yet.


That''s the thing for me too. We''re married a year now and i know it''s becomes worse in years/and without therapy/
I can''t give up now ,but i can''t see myself raising a child when he reacts like that to our problems. And i know that when there''s a baby there''ll be more stuff too fight about. That makes me so confuse about what to do with it. And he expect that we are going to work on the baby thing shortly...


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

charlene said:


> Once i read a deffinition of this type of behavior ""The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a powerstruggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less"".


I think this is very astute. The message that the "silent-treater" is giving to the "silent-treatee" is, in their infantile way, "I can't see or hear you, even though you are obviously in the same room and I'm not deaf." 

The weird part of the silent treatment is that the entire thing is based on a total absurdity: that someone is PRETENDING that the other person is absent, when they are clearly not. 

Being an unwilling participant in this absurdity is probably one of the most frustrating aspects of being the silent-treatee. 

I can remember driving home from the hospital when I was 14 and my dad wasn't speaking to me, I had just been released by decision of our incredibly awful HMO (remember those?). I had 10% lung function, and it was July in the South. My dad believed that using the AC burned more gas, so he rarely used it when it was just him. I was desperate for the AC. I couldn't breathe to start with, and it was around 100 degrees on top of that and humid. But there was this "wall" - I didn't ask him to turn it on. I suppose I could have. He might even have done it (which would have been an actual admission of my presence, so I guess he probably would have just ignored me like usual) but I didn't ask because it was like by asking, I was actively putting myself in the position of being ignored. To speak, and then to be ignored, would have been to participate in the absurdity - and after being the silent-treatee for a few months, you just don't do that.

So all those silent-treaters who tell their victims "but you weren't speaking to me either," well, that's why: because to speak to you was to allow myself to be ignored.

It's not THAT bad to walk around the house silently and mind your own business, and have the other person not talk or interact with you. So by NOT speaking, the victim is bringing the situation to a tolerable "quiet time with negativity cloud hanging over it" which is a lot better than "talking to a person who has managed to convince himself that I do not exist."

Screw them all. Seriously. I wouldn't stay. A one-year marriage or a 30 year marriage. I'd be gone yesterday. But that's just me.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

omega said:


> So all those silent-treaters who tell their victims "but you weren't speaking to me either," well, that's why: because to speak to you was to allow myself to be ignored.


You''re right, just can''t make myself do it...And then eventually i do talk to him/ always me first/ and then it''s all good! But only if i don''t mention: how he made me feel, how his actions hurt ...etc. Otherwise he will be all like ""You start conversation just to accuse me!Only to say how everything is my fault! ""and that all said in yelling.
And of course that makes me not wanting to talk about my problem any more, EVER!


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## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Things are back to normal again. I got the silent treatment again today and yet again he broke the ice earlier this evening with "So are you gonna talk to me?" Ugh. I told him if he wanted to talk then he could talk.
> 
> Over dinner he explained his behavior which is a first. He's been stressed out with work and all the crap the army is giving him because he is trying to get out in the next couple of months and had a court date today he was nervous about....etc....
> 
> ...


That's encouraging that you were able to talk through all of this and that he's recognizing how stress is affecting him. Understanding that is a great first step. Sounds like maybe he's open to working on how the two of you can communicate better. You might be interested in checking out a book called Love Talk.


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