# Cohabitating while separated



## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

My husband and I are going through a very rough patch. We’ve together for almost 5 years and married for 3. It has not been an easy marriage because he has been active in dating sites. I found out that he has been cheating on me for over a year. Despite all this, I was willing to work with him and stay together. After a few weeks, nothing was changing. He was still active on dating sites. Now we are at point that he does not want to work on the marriage anymore and wants us to separate.

However, because we are financially unstable, we need to stay together until we both save enough money and go our separate ways. We both own a condo together. That being said, how do I act around him being that we are essentially not husband and wife anymore? He still kisses me and says I love you to me which makes it confusing. He says he still wants us to be friends and asks me to hang out with him. I am confused and I feel like I am being led on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sad&confusedlady said:


> My husband and I are going through a very rough patch. We’ve together for almost 5 years and married for 3. It has not been an easy marriage because he has been active in dating sites. I found out that he has bedn cheating on me for over a year. Despite all this, I was willing to work with him and stay together. After a few weeks, nothing was changing. He was still active on dating sites. Now we are at point that he does not want to work on the marriage anymore and wants us to separate.
> 
> However, because we are financially unstable, we need to stay together until we both save enough money and go our separate ways. We both own a condo together. That being said, how do I act around him being that we are essentially not husband and wife anymore? He still kisses me and says I love you too me which makes it confusing. He says he still wants us to be friends and asks me to hang out with him. I am confused and I fee like I am being led on.


My advise is to sell the condo and separate. Even if you have to rent for now or stay with family. It's far better than him acting as if he cares when he doesn't. I know several.people who tried this in house separation and it doesn't work.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your first real challenge is realising and accepting that he is a lying, cheating creep! Once you get that, you will know exactly what to do. Dump him, sell the condo and do not engage with him for ANYTHING.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're not separated. You need to find a way to separate or just file the papers.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You need to force the issue quickly. Finances be damned. The longer you wait for "stability" the worse off you will be. File for divorce and force the sale of the condo. Move in with parents or friends if you have to, but the environment at "home" is terribly unhealthy. You are learning how to live with huge disrespect and that will carry on into future relationships. Get. Out. Now.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Sell the condo ASAP. You need to realize that this arrangement is benefitting him and of no benefit to you whatsoever.
Also, tell him to knock off the "I love yous" and kisses, if those things meant a damn thing to him he wouldn't be on dating sites or cheating.

Frankly, he sounds like a real a$$hole.


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## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

I’ve been thinking of ways on how I can leave without the financial blowback. Sadly, I am alone in this country. All my family and friends are in my home country. I am trying to deal with this all on my own which is why I joined here to get some advice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I’ve been thinking of ways on how I can leave without the financial blowback. Sadly, I am alone in this country. All my family and friends are in my home country. I am trying to deal with this all on my own which is why I joined here to get some advice.


Don't you have a job? You need to have two jobs right now so you can get your own place.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I wish I knew what to tell you about the financial stuff, if at all possible contact an attorney. Unfortunately I think his "I love you"s are just a habit. I would tell him that part is over and not to kiss you any more.


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## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Don't you have a job? You need to have two jobs right now so you can get your own place.


 I do. I am looking for a 2nd one too.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I do. I am looking for a 2nd one too.


Do you have reliable friends you can lean on for advice and help?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I’ve been thinking of ways on how I can leave without the financial blowback. Sadly, I am alone in this country. All my family and friends are in my home country. I am trying to deal with this all on my own which is why I joined here to get some advice.


What about going back home? What reason is there to stay here? Are you in a position where you can just walk away and be no worse off than when you started? Is there actually profit that will come from selling the condo? You may be able to leave the country and have the divorce finalized without you being present... may... I don't know if that's really a thing or not. But if it is, it's something to consider.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sad&confusedlady said:


> I do. I am looking for a 2nd one too.


That's the best thing you can do. You know even a second job that's only 15 hours a week at $8 an hour is an extra $5,000 a year. It can even be a fun job. You can file for divorce and see an attorney as long as you get the agreement that the attorney is paid out of the divided assets such as the condo.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

The only way this would make any sense is if there were kids involved.....Absent that, I see no legitimate reason to try to make this scenario work...Get out asap, dissolve assets and move on...


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

He has the best of both worlds. You have to sell the condo & move on. It's the only way. 

I do not know the law where you live but in many states in order to even file for divorce the parties have to prove that they lived separate & apart for some period of time, in some places that can be as long as 1.5 years so even if you filed for divorce tomorrow, the court could not even hear your case until 1.5 years after you moved. 

The longer you stay in the same house the worse this will be for you. The housing market is hot right now in the 'burbs so you may be able to get top dollar. But if you are trying to sell in a high density area that people are fleeing, you may be stuck with a white elephant.


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## sad&confusedlady (Mar 24, 2021)

Thank you all. I think I have an idea now of what needs to be done.


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