# The infamous words...



## Confused_alone

I love you but I'm not in love with you. This is what my wife recently told me. We have recently moved into separate houses. We are both still wearing our wedding bands and have not filed for divorce or separation. I stay at her place most of the time and she is still somewhat affectionate to me. Just a lot of circumstances have arisen that have caused a distance.
She has asked me to go to a psychiatrist to try to deal with depression that has caused problems in our marriage. We also had a marriage counseling session scheduled but she does not want to go to that at this point. She wants me to focus on myself and then she said she will go to marriage counseling.
SO, the question in my mind is how do I deal with her comment that she is not in love with me. That statement usually is made when someone finds someone else. She swears up and down that there is nobody else, but it's still hard not to wonder.


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## ReidWright

ages? how long married? kids?

separate houses as in she bought a new house? or as in living with her parents or someone? Have you set up a timeline for this living apart?

what have you done to verify that she isn't seeing someone else? check her cell phone, other phone records, her computer (keylogger), her email accounts, plant a VAR to see who she is talking to, etc.?

you have to rule out a 3rd party at this point if you wish to reconcile


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## Confused_alone

ReidWright said:


> ages? how long married? kids?
> 
> separate houses as in she bought a new house? or as in living with her parents or someone? Have you set up a timeline for this living apart?
> 
> what have you done to verify that she isn't seeing someone else? check her cell phone, other phone records, her computer (keylogger), her email accounts, plant a VAR to see who she is talking to, etc.?
> 
> you have to rule out a 3rd party at this point if you wish to reconcile


Been married for 8 years. We have two children which are 3 and 6. No she did not buy a new house. She moved into an apartment and I moved into an apartment.
I haven't checked any of her accounts or anything because she says she's not seeing anyone and I WANT to believe her. But, the not in love with you comment from what I have read usually indicates there is someone that they are in love with. I just don't want to accept it and I want to trust her. 
We have not set up a timeline. She just wants me to see a Psychiatrist and then she said she will follow suit with marriage counseling.


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## Confused_alone

Also, I mentioned that I do not want to check her phone, computer, etc. But everything that I am reading states that her comment of I don't love you anymore means that there is usually someone else. Thoughts from anyone who has been through this?


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## jr92gp

Shouldn't you have full knowledge of what's going on so that you can make informed decisions regarding YOUR future?

What does she hope to accomplish in regards to her happiness by sending you to counseling?

Focus on yourself and your children, she is being extremely selfish and taking advantage of you. Move forward with your life with your children. Start taking steps to protect yourself in a divorce.


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## dormant

I've heard it said that you don't really fall out of love, you just re-direct it to someone else.


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## the guy

Ive been thru this and I was made to look crazy, the fact was she found someone else...there was a lot less guilt when she was screwing around when she believed it was all my fualt!

But once you take the action to find out for sure that you have been replaced its give you a better direction in were you want your life to go.

I mean I spent a lot of time and money fixing my self and even after that my old lady still screwed around.

My point is maybe you aren't that bad of a guy....maybe she found some that she think is better then you?

Hell your going to do all this work in being a better husband and BAMB...it wasn't you after all!!!!

Just saying if she is being straight with you then ya make the effort...but you at least better know if you efforts aren't in vain.

At the end of the day maybe its her that needs a shrink for becoming someone she never wanted to be...a cheater......


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## Confused_alone

jr92gp said:


> Shouldn't you have full knowledge of what's going on so that you can make informed decisions regarding YOUR future?
> 
> What does she hope to accomplish in regards to her happiness by sending you to counseling?
> 
> Focus on yourself and your children, she is being extremely selfish and taking advantage of you. Move forward with your life with your children. Start taking steps to protect yourself in a divorce.


Thanks for your reply. We have been together so long and I have never caught her up in a lie and I am 100% positive she is not a cheater. Well up until now I have felt that way.
Her goal is to see how committed I am to making the marriage work. She wants to see me as the leader and take the initiative. My goal is to do that, exhaust all options and if it doesn't work out, I can walk away with my held up.


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## Confused_alone

the guy said:


> Ive been thru this and I was made to look crazy, the fact was she found someone else...there was a lot less guilt when she was screwing around when she believed it was all my fualt!
> 
> But once you take the action to find out for sure that you have been replaced its give you a better direction in were you want your life to go.
> 
> I mean I spent a lot of time and money fixing my self and even after that my old lady still screwed around.
> 
> My point is maybe you aren't that bad of a guy....maybe she found some that she think is better then you?
> 
> Hell your going to do all this work in being a better husband and BAMB...it wasn't you after all!!!!
> 
> Just saying if she is being straight with you then ya make the effort...but you at least better know if you efforts aren't in vain.
> 
> At the end of the day maybe its her that needs a shrink for becoming someone she never wanted to be...a cheater......


Thanks for your story. I just know she's not the cheating type. She says she does want to work it out and she's hoping those feelings will come back. I guess that's what is causing me not to give up.


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## the guy

Time to go James Bond on her butt and find out if its worth your while to be a better husband.

You may have been replaced and this very well could be an exit affair..if there is even an affair.

At the very least do some investigation and find out if your being lied to...you owe your self that much.


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## the guy

Don't you want to know if you are going to be her plan B?

I have been here at TAM for some time...they all say "she is not the cheating type"

Then one look at the phone records and a guy sees his old lady texting and calling the same number a million times a day...only to find out its some guy and when the poor bartard goes back far enough that damn phone number starts popping up about the same time the marriage took a sh1t.


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## Confused_alone

I'm not sure if I posted this but she said I love you but I'm not in love with you followed by, I don't want our marriage to end I just want everything that pulled us apart to get fixed. She still wears her wedding band, still affectionate somewhat. I don't see signs of her giving up, just wanting to see me step up and be the man. Thoughts?


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## the guy

Fight for your marriage but like me I knew exactly what I was fight against.

I won my marriage back, but I knew who the enemy was.


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## jr92gp

Confused_alone said:


> Thanks for your reply. We have been together so long and I have never caught her up in a lie and I am 100% positive she is not a cheater. Well up until now I have felt that way.
> Her goal is to see how committed I am to making the marriage work. She wants to see me as the leader and take the initiative. My goal is to do that, exhaust all options and if it doesn't work out, I can walk away with my held up.


Who initiated the separation?

What does custody look like? Would you be okay with the current status quo regarding custody if it became legal?

You also need to see how committed she is to working on the marriage. It does not sound like she is committed to doing any more than saying she is committed.

Wake up.


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## the guy

Alls I'm sayn is eliminate the possablity of infidelity so you know it is in fact you and not her.

Then you can focus on rebuilding this marriage with out a third party involved.

Cuz if there is a third person all your work will be for not.


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## lenzi

Sounds like she met someone else, sorry.


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## Confused_alone

the guy said:


> Fight for your marriage but like me I knew exactly what I was fight against.
> 
> I won my marriage back, but I knew who the enemy was.


That's awesome, I'm glad you were able to win your wife back. I guess I'm just trying so hard to believe her. She will say things like she has no desire to pursue anyone else. I mean anybody could say that but I hear the sincerity in her voice...


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## Confused_alone

jr92gp said:


> Who initiated the separation?
> 
> What does custody look like? Would you be okay with the current status quo regarding custody if it became legal?
> 
> You also need to see how committed she is to working on the marriage. It does not sound like she is committed to doing any more than saying she is committed.
> 
> Wake up.


We aren't really separated. We haven't filed paperwork or anything and I am basically at her apartment all of the time. She would get custody.
I agree that she doesn't sound committed. But I'm going to do what she asked and show her I'm serious. If she doesn't follow suit, I'm not wasting my time. So we're basically talking a matter of less than a month. No change in that time, I'm moving on.


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## dormant

Confused_alone said:


> That's awesome, I'm glad you were able to win your wife back. I guess I'm just trying so hard to believe her. She will say things like she has no desire to pursue anyone else. I mean anybody could say that but I hear the sincerity in her voice...


often times, we hear what we want to hear.


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## Confused_alone

dormant said:


> often times, we hear what we want to hear.


Very true


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## jr92gp

Lots of red flags. She has 2 young children. Women don't leave their husband unless they have someone else lined up.

If you want any chance of saving your marriage, find out if there is someone else involved. When, not if, you find out who else is involved follow the advice that is given here. You are in denial and are facing the the most difficult situation you will likely ever face in your life.


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## Confused_alone

jr92gp said:


> Lots of red flags. She has 2 young children. Women don't leave their husband unless they have someone else lined up.
> 
> If you want any chance of saving your marriage, find out if there is someone else involved. When, not if, you find out who else is involved follow the advice that is given here. You are in denial and are facing the the most difficult situation you will likely ever face in your life.


Thanks. She didn't leave me though. She wants to work things out.


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## tom67

jr92gp said:


> Lots of red flags. She has 2 young children. Women don't leave their husband unless they have someone else lined up.
> 
> If you want any chance of saving your marriage, find out if there is someone else involved. When, not if, you find out who else is involved follow the advice that is given here. You are in denial and are facing the the most difficult situation you will likely ever face in your life.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
You have to rule it out.


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## lifeistooshort

I left my ex with two young children without someone else. The statement that women don't do that is completely false. Not one person has addressed his admission that he's had depression his entire marriage; maybe she's just tired of dealing with it. Frankly it's not attractive and not very hard to see why someone wouldn't be in love with that. But of course she must be cheating.

You should really deal with your depression; whether you reconcile or move on nobody's going to want to deal with it. It's soul sucking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Confused_alone said:


> Thanks. She didn't leave me though. She wants to work things out.


Of course she wants to work things out. 

But for now she sees you as the problem and maybe so...and if you are not the problem a month can go by really quick...

I just think some sort of effort should be made on your part to validate her reason to live apart.




Ok what if...just what if her reason to live a part but work on the marriage is to give her time to see if this new guy at work pans out....and what if..just what if this said new guy doesn't work out and you are none the wiser she can go back to you as if nothing happened.

So in my dumb @ss senerio you guys get back together and years from now the same sh1t happens again?

My point is find out...no confirm that what she is telling you is in fact the real reason to try and work on a marriage while living apart....

I can't believe I just wrote " work on a marriage while living a part" thats freaking nuts...but what the hell I'm just the-guy!


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## Confused_alone

lifeistooshort said:


> I left my ex with two young children without someone else. The statement that women don't do that is completely false. Not one person has addressed his admission that he's had depression his entire marriage; maybe she's just tired of dealing with it. Frankly it's not attractive and not very hard to see why someone wouldn't be in love with that. But of course she must be cheating.
> 
> You should really deal with your depression; whether you reconcile or move on nobody's going to want to deal with it. It's soul sucking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your comment. I think you (may have) misunderstood the root of the depression. The depression stems from someone who will not connect on an intimate level. When a guy feels unloved, like the wife is not attracted to them, like they're not a good lover, year after year. Staying with that type of person can be emotionally and physically draining which ultimately led to my depression.
Why would I want to stay with her then? Because I have seen what our relationship can be like on a communicative, physical and emotional level and it was great. However, we have never had counseling to deal with everything that put the flame out. I honestly feel that counseling can dig down to the roots so to speak and pull that out. If she's offering a chance, why not try to become better individuals? That's why I'm trying. I know the potential to turn it around could be rewarding.


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## Confused_alone

the guy said:


> Of course she wants to work things out.
> 
> But for now she sees you as the problem and maybe so...and if you are not the problem a month can go by really quick...
> 
> I just think some sort of effort should be made on your part to validate her reason to live apart.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ok what if...just what if her reason to live a part but work on the marriage is to give her time to see if this new guy at work pans out....and what if..just what if this said new guy doesn't work out and you are none the wiser she can go back to you as if nothing happened.
> 
> So in my dumb @ss senerio you guys get back together and years from now the same sh1t happens again?
> 
> My point is find out...no confirm that what she is telling you is in fact the real reason to try and work on a marriage while living apart....
> 
> I can't believe I just wrote " work on a marriage while living a part" thats freaking nuts...but what the hell I'm just the-guy!


For me it's like, if you've faced death would you ever want to face it again? IF we can get to counseling, let the gloves fly with a neutral mediator and we can both see what we have done wrong, why would I want to face death again? I guess what I'm saying is knowing how much this sucks feeling this way, there is no way (on my end) that I would let it get this way again.
But I really don't think there's someone else, lol. If I found out there is, it's peace out for me.


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## lenzi

jr92gp said:


> Women don't leave their husband unless they have someone else lined up.


Really? Women only leave their husband if they have someone else on the side. I never knew that!

You make that huge generalization with such conviction.

Makes me wonder how you know this. Have you personally exit interviewed and background searched every woman who has left her husband?

Folks.. don't believe everything you read, even if it's on the internet.


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## ArmyofJuan

Confused_alone said:


> Thanks for your story. I just know she's not the cheating type. She says she does want to work it out and she's hoping those feelings will come back. I guess that's what is causing me not to give up.


My W and ex-gf were not the cheating type either, funny that.

I think your W has checked out and feels guilty about it so is giving you a "chance" to fix things but its just for show. She doesn't want to look like the bad guy and knows there's nothing you can do (knows what you are trying to do isn't going to work). She has set you up for failure, she is not going to fall back in love with you by proxy, that never works.

However, there is something you can do that actually could lead to R but its basically do the opposite of what she ask. There's four little words that can lead to a true reconciliation: "I want a divorce".

She wants you to man up then do it, take off your ring and stop going over there. She doesn't want to be with you then give her what she wants. Don't waste your time with someone that doesn't want you.

When she sees you pulling away and being able to take care of yourself without her then you should see a change in her behavior. Dollars to donuts, when you give a WS what they say they want they tend to stop wanting it. Take the power back and stop enabling her. 

You don't know what you got until it's gone they say.


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## jr92gp

lenzi said:


> Really? Women only leave their husband if they have someone else on the side. I never knew that!
> 
> You make that huge generalization with such conviction.
> 
> Makes me wonder how you know this. Have you personally exit interviewed and background searched every woman who has left her husband?
> 
> Folks.. don't believe everything you read, even if it's on the internet.


You're right. I made an ignorant statement. I apologize, and thank you.


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## lifeistooshort

Confused_alone said:


> Thank you for your comment. I think you (may have) misunderstood the root of the depression. The depression stems from someone who will not connect on an intimate level. When a guy feels unloved, like the wife is not attracted to them, like they're not a good lover, year after year. Staying with that type of person can be emotionally and physically draining which ultimately led to my depression.
> Why would I want to stay with her then? Because I have seen what our relationship can be like on a communicative, physical and emotional level and it was great. However, we have never had counseling to deal with everything that put the flame out. I honestly feel that counseling can dig down to the roots so to speak and pull that out. If she's offering a chance, why not try to become better individuals? That's why I'm trying. I know the potential to turn it around could be rewarding.



Now that's different, you should be clear with stuff like that. What have you done to address the lack of connection? Was it always this way it did you have one at one time? Maybe your wife feels it to and hasn't known how to address it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch

Do you understand the things you are supposed to be working on?

What are you doing to change those things?

You need to understand what those changes are and make them if you want to.

And don't show up and say look dear I love to do housework now! The change has to be seen and believed and have longevity.

Spending time at her apartment seems irrelevant to me.

Hopefully you have read the other threads and are working on yourself and maybe doing the 180.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## audacia

I can really relate to lifeistooshort. I too am separating from my H and there is no one else. I do not even have male friends at this time in my life. That's part of the isolation my H has helped me create, but that's another story. 

My H has suffered from multiple mental health issues, including depression and low self-esteem his entire life. Unfortunately he was undiagnosed for the first 25 years of our marriage. As lifestooshort has said, it can be incredibly draining. It has created a very unbalanced relationship with an embarrassingly long list of disfunction. 

Once we began to learn about how mental health issues can impact behaviour I thought changes/improvements would come. They didn't. Why? Because H refused to seek help with the health problems. Refused to seek counselling, read anything, or own the problem as his. 

So there does not have to be another man. There may be the desire to be free from being weighed down by the other person who is "soul sucking".


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## Dedicated2Her

audacia said:


> I can really relate to lifeistooshort. I too am separating from my H and there is no one else. I do not even have male friends at this time in my life. That's part of the isolation my H has helped me create, but that's another story.
> 
> My H has suffered from multiple mental health issues, including depression and low self-esteem his entire life. Unfortunately he was undiagnosed for the first 25 years of our marriage. As lifestooshort has said, it can be incredibly draining. It has created a very unbalanced relationship with an embarrassingly long list of disfunction.
> 
> Once we began to learn about how mental health issues can impact behaviour I thought changes/improvements would come. They didn't. Why? Because H refused to seek help with the health problems. Refused to seek counselling, read anything, or own the problem as his.
> 
> So there does not have to be another man. There may be the desire to be free from being weighed down by the other person who is "soul sucking".


There are a number of issues that are at play. It COULD be a number of things. I was accused of being an "emotional vampire". In fact, my story is very similar to the OP's. I was accused of being depressed...yada, yada, yada. What was really happening is that I was loved, but not accepted. Not being accepted zapped me over time. 

My thought is what kind of arrogant person says..."you need to get help from a psychologist, and then I'll go to counseling." There is no humbleness in that, nor is there any type of gratitude in that statement. Therefore, until that happens, anything you do will be viewed with a bad lense. Totally neglecting your own role in the demise of the relationship and blaming it on someone else is the path to destruction. Until that changes, do what you need to do. Get help, go to counseling for yourself....but do it....for you.


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## Intheknow

Same thing said to me a year ago today. I also have depression and she said that my moods and mismangement were the cause of her lack of love, but she cared about me. A week later later,after finding that the phrase really meant " I'm not in love with you be cause I love someone else" on these boards, I checked phone records and her text messages. Turns out she was having an EA with her boss for almost a year. Fast forward, trickle truth and false R that still felt wrong in my gut, I undeleted text messages and found a PA that had been going on for 6 months and several hookups over the 3 years they have worked together.

I had a separate room, stayed as father to my kids, exposed her affair and went through hell....but never once did we move into different houses....if it is a low conflict marriage (no abuse, fights, arguing etc) then the kids will be more traumatized if the parents separate. 

Seems like she wants to have her privacy more than being a support for her husband that she loves and vowed to be with in sickness and health.

Check phone records for calls/texts from a very frequent number, that calls nights and weekends or when you aren't around.

That should be step one. ~Take care of your mind and body so you can better care for your children. Working things out with her should be last on the list.


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## Intheknow

Confused_alone said:


> That's awesome, I'm glad you were able to win your wife back. I guess I'm just trying so hard to believe her. She will say things like she has no desire to pursue anyone else. I mean anybody could say that but I hear the sincerity in her voice...


My wife would have never cheated, until she did.
You can't be certain what she's capable of, odds are she's with someone and is letting you down slowly.


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## SamuraiJack

Yeah I had a wife like that too. I figured it out about a week and a half ago that she was having some type of affair for several months before splitting. 
I didnt think she would ever cheat, but once I started reading and putting things together, her actions read like a cheaters manual from cover to cover.
It was like somebody had listened in on the marriage breaking down.
Scary...


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