# Fiance refuses to learn what I like in bed



## SG8 (Jun 7, 2021)

So me and my partner have been together for almost 8 years. There was a wedding being planned, but thank God I managed to listen to my inner voice and stop all that, because of the problems that follow.

My partner refuses to learn where my clit is and what I like in bed. I've tried all methods - guiding his hands, whispering what I'd like in a sexy way, actually talking about it.. nothing works. He gets offended by any suggestion or "wrong" movement, and just stops everything right away.
Our sex life must be centred around his **** (which, to be fair, doesn't even work that great lately). Start when his d is up, finish when it's down, and that's sex to him. 
I'm such an idiot for letting this happen for so long and not voicing my frustration earlier, but he's younger than me and I thought the "curiosity"/actually learning about each other phase would come naturally on its own.. it's been like that in my previous relationships.
Not this guy, now I know.
It's not even about the fact that he doesn't know what to do once his hands are there - that I can accept (he can't tho) and it can be worked on, but he won't even _try_.
I tried explaining to him that he's ignoring my main sexual organ, and he laughed and rolled his eyes - he thinks "playing with the clit is lesbian stuff", and doesn't believe me when I say women rarely orgasm from intercourse alone. (That's what getting your sex knowledge from porn will do I guess)
He thinks sex should be "spontaneous" (AKA, happen when he wants it), and he percieves as offensive even something as basic as asking a partner if they're actually enjoying what's been done to them. To him it feels like a questioning of his skills 
8 years together and he never even asked me if I finished once. He just assumes that I do I guess.
How do I get him to understand that he's being selfish and horrible, and that I'm not going to put up with a lifetime of sexual frustration, and I'm not the bad guy here because of it?
Honestly I used to justify his **** behaviour in bed by telling myself I'm his first long term partner after a lifetime of one night stands, but man... 8 years... that's not a good reason anymore.
He thinks he's a great lover because of the millions of girls he's apparently ****ed before me - he takes much pride in this and I can't seem to break it into his head that banging loads of people alone doesn't make you a good lover.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What’s a clit?

We are supposed to ask if you finished?????


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Honey, if it ain’t happened in 8 years, it’s not going to.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SG8 said:


> a lifetime of one night stands,


No one came back for seconds? lol The proof is in the pudding. Anyone can own a stove - it doesn't mean they know how to cook. 

Your ex-fiance is inexperienced, ignorant, lazy and selfish. Don't celebrate 8 years - move on.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

8 years IS a long period of time.
there must be some other aspects of this relationship that are very good for you to have stuck it out this long.
Face it, not every guy is a virtuoso in bed.
Not every person with a pencil can draw like rembrandt.

IF it is so important to you that he learn some new techniques....maybe get a sex therapist to teach him. maybe for some odd reason he will not listen to you (maybe he feels threatened), but WOULD listen to a professional.

Maybe you can add sex toys to your sex acts? The sex toys are designed to fit properly into your body and stimulate an orgasm, so him just holding it the right way will get you to orgasm.

Do YOU have any special kinks you can magnify to better satisfy yourself? Like would you like to tie him up, and sexually use him? Maybe he would go along with whatever turns you on, so long as you are the one in control and he does not have to perform competently?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are not married there is nothing to stop you ending it.
He sounds very selfish.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SG8 said:


> How do I get him to understand that he's being selfish and horrible, and that I'm not going to put up with a lifetime of sexual frustration, and I'm not the bad guy here because of it?


I would say you already came up with the solution.



> There was a wedding being planned, but thank God *I managed to listen to my inner voice and stop all that*, because of the problems that follow.


You just need to finish what you started and cut him off. If he is not going to be willing to learn and listen on this one topic, then he will never see his problems in other areas either. He is probably going to be one of those guys who thinks he can fix a problem with the house, and fixes it so that the plumber (or whatever) has to doo a more costly repair.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

I'm sorry, but you may have to cut bait on this one. Eight years is a long time. He has not changed, not willing to listen to you in bed, just seems centered on his own enjoyment. That's not a recipe for success.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I'll be blunt here. He basically treats you like his own personal sex worker. Sex on demand. This man sounds entitled, selfish, arrogant, and ignorant. Yes, you made a great decision to cancel the wedding and you'll be so happy and relieved to kick him out of your life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> No one came back for seconds? lol The proof is in the pudding. Anyone can own a stove - it doesn't mean they know how to cook.
> 
> Your ex-fiance is inexperienced, ignorant, lazy and selfish. Don't celebrate 8 years - move on.


Nothing wrong with inexperience, as long as the person wants to learn and make sex better. He doesn't.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Men, who ignore the clit, do so at their peril.

The lower lips may house the clit, but its the mind's upper lips that normally holds true, the sway, and the way in.

Geez! What a ridiculous and embarrassing way for a man to get dumped.



SG8, move out, and onward, as soon as is practical. 

Do not cite (this) as the reason you are ending this relationship. 
Don't lower yourself, making this your reason.

Why? Because it is more than his sexual inadequacy.
It is his lack of caring about what is important to you.

His attitude STILL needs adjustment. 
Let him flounder.



_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think he knows he is a flop in bed.
He knows what needs to be done, you have told him.

I think he is unconsciously rebelling against your wishes.
He is torpedoing this relationship.

He is inwardly angry at you, at himself.

Those feeling inadequate, often become *arrogant. They refuse to admit their failings.

......*Covering up an inferior complex with one seen as superior..........

He does seem like a dim light bulb.

_Lilith-_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dump him. Next.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

SG8 said:


> How do I get him to understand that he's being selfish and horrible


The same way you make anybody understand something they don't want to, magic. If you aren't good at magic, then it's hopeless.

You called off the marriage b/c your sex life is no good thanks to him being inconsiderate. Good for you, I wouldn't waste any more time on him. 

If there's something you would like from us, please let us know what.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

So...why are you with this guy?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Nothing wrong with inexperience, as long as the person wants to learn and make sex better. He doesn't.


Doesn't your Captain Obvious suit need a pressing?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SG8 said:


> That's what getting your sex knowledge from porn will do I guess


Or a history of previous partners that all faked it!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I can’t believe that the only place he shows such arrogance and selfishness is in bed. I am sorry you wasted 8 years of your life on him. I don’t recommend wasting any more.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Next time, just don’t touch the top of his penis (including inside you). Touch all the around the shaft, etc but not the top. Then explain the part right under the tip is the equivalent of a clit. Maybe he’ll understand the sensation part. 

Of course you could get a strap-on and reverse roles and have him also feel what it’s like to be on the receiving end with little pleasure.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

aaarghdub said:


> Next time, just don’t touch the top of his penis (including inside you). Touch all the around the shaft, etc but not the top. Then explain the part right under the tip is the equivalent of a clit. Maybe he’ll understand the sensation part.
> 
> Of course you could get a strap-on and reverse roles and have him also feel what it’s like to be on the receiving end with little pleasure.
> 
> ...


Good theory. 

But after 8 years? Juuusssttt ttooooo sloow of a learner, and shows he's a doesn't care type of person. Sad.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This man sounds like a dud!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> This man sounds like a dud!


Surely not a stud!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Why have you put up with no sexual pleasure for 8 YEARS to be with someone who clearly has zero desire to be even a half decent lover? i understand you wanted to give it some time for him to learn you, but giving someone time to "get it" is usually measured in months.

Your options are to end the relationship, seek sex outside the relationship, or accept terribad sex for the duration.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Time for him to go back to all those one night stands. Too bad he doesn't understand why there was never a two nighter before you. 

Eight years. 

Damn.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

you've last 7 years and 11 months longer than I would have with someone so clearly self-serving and disregarding of my interests. 

A lot of people are simply duds in bed. 

NEXT!!


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## SG8 (Jun 7, 2021)

So here I am again. I thank everyone for their input. I understand those asking why I stayed for almost 8 years, there are other things about him and about the relationship that kept me in it, and the sex wasn't always this bad. What he lacked in technique, he used to make up for in enthusiasm, I couldn't get his hands off me and I liked it... and I definitely have part of the blame as well, considering I ignored and neglected my needs myself for the longest time, always putting his pleasure first. I went through a long phase of no self-esteem, and I have only recently started to sort myself out...
So is it really hopeless, and all I can do is throw the whole man away?
It's my own feelings that prevented me from stopping the relationship earlier. I still hold on to the hope that things can be fixed :/


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

SG8 said:


> So here I am again. I thank everyone for their input. I understand those asking why I stayed for almost 8 years, there are other things about him and about the relationship that kept me in it, and the sex wasn't always this bad. What he lacked in technique, he used to make up for in enthusiasm, I couldn't get his hands off me and I liked it... and I definitely have part of the blame as well, considering I ignored and neglected my needs myself for the longest time, always putting his pleasure first. I went through a long phase of no self-esteem, and I have only recently started to sort myself out...
> So is it really hopeless, and all I can do is throw the whole man away?
> It's my own feelings that prevented me from stopping the relationship earlier. I still hold on to the hope that things can be fixed :/


You've done the right things, but he's given you nothing to work with and I don't see any reason to expect change. I'm sorry you're in this position, but we wouldn't do you any favors by telling you it's better than it is. So you either settle for this or move on.

I suspect a lot of young women are flattered by the attention but as they age look for something more.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SG8 said:


> So is it really hopeless, and all I can do is throw the whole man away?


After 8 years with many talks and efforts to teach him how can you even ask this? It's been 8 years. Nothing is going to change.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SG8 said:


> So is it really hopeless, and all I can do is throw the whole man away?
> It's my own feelings that prevented me from stopping the relationship earlier.* I still hold on to the hope that things can be fixed :/*


I just consulted my magic wand and it informed me that there isn't enough magic in the world to fix your man. He isn't the one for you. It may be that he isn't the one for anyone; but, 8 years has proved that this is all _you_ will get out of him. 

How much younger is he than you?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SG8 said:


> ...the sex wasn't always this bad. What he lacked in technique, he used to make up for in enthusiasm, I couldn't get his hands off me and I liked it...


The #1 thing most posters here on TAM want is to want someone to want them. Many folks here have partners with no desire but happen to be willing to please them. That gets rejected because they want to be wanted. 

So here the OP is wanted but has a partner unwilling to please anyone other than himself by enjoying wanting and having the OP. Isn't that what everyone here on TAM wants? Yet everyone calls him a dud. 

So what does everyone on TAM want? Do you want to be wanted or do you want someone just willing to please you. You can't have both! 

From everything I have read over the years, there is nothing wrong with this relationship. The OP just needs to build self confidence, take responsibility for her own pleasure, and share that with her partner and enjoy him being unable to keep his hands off of her. 

Some female posters here have long histories of only ever being able to give themselves an orgasm. Their frustration was that they wanted a man to stop trying to please, just enjoy himself and not get jealous that only the she wanted to chose when/how she has her orgasm via self stimulation.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

badsanta said:


> So here the OP is wanted but has a partner unwilling to please anyone other than himself by enjoying wanting and having the OP. Isn't that what everyone here on TAM wants?


I don't think everyone on TAM wants this, but what is important is OP doesn't seem to want it.


> So what does everyone on TAM want? Do you want to be wanted or do you want someone just willing to please you. You can't have both!


Not sure how to parse the word "just", but what some people want is someone who wants them AND wants to please them.


> From everything I have read over the years, there is nothing wrong with this relationship. The OP just needs to build self confidence, take responsibility for her own pleasure, and share that with her partner and enjoy him being unable to keep his hands off of her.


That is a plausible option, but another one is to find a partner more interested in stimulating her.


> Some female posters here have long histories of only ever being able to give themselves an orgasm. Their frustration was that they wanted a man to stop trying to please, just enjoy himself and not get jealous that only the she wanted to chose when/how she has her orgasm via self stimulation.


Women want different things. It is fine to suggest OP consider being content w/ one thing, but she doesn't have to be.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SG8 said:


> So here I am again. I thank everyone for their input. I understand those asking why I stayed for almost 8 years, there are other things about him and about the relationship that kept me in it, and the sex wasn't always this bad. What he lacked in technique, he used to make up for in enthusiasm, I couldn't get his hands off me and I liked it... and I definitely have part of the blame as well, considering I ignored and neglected my needs myself for the longest time, always putting his pleasure first. I went through a long phase of no self-esteem, and I have only recently started to sort myself out...
> So is it really hopeless, and all I can do is throw the whole man away?
> It's my own feelings that prevented me from stopping the relationship earlier. I still hold on to the hope that things can be fixed :/


i think a lot of infidelity is spurred by exactly the situation you are in. Husband ignores you sexually. does not even try. You (incorrectly) think it means that you are no longer attractive, and hunker down to a somewhat dismal life. then some guy at work flirts with you, comments on how sexy your dress looks, says things like "how lucky your husband is to have you", and those endorphin chemicals start firing in your brain. Pretty soon you are "in love" like a teenager on prom night, and it FEELS GOOD! Its pretty hard to resist all that.

So...just go into this with your eyes open....you are ripe to be seduced. So think it all through before hand. if the marriage is really done for, then start ending it so you CAN date again and get that sexual thrill back. But if you want to stay married, and still want to be sexually fulfilled...you are going to have to make some interesting choices, and have some stark conversations with your hubby. 

good luck, it is not an easy decision to make


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> i think a lot of infidelity is spurred by exactly the situation you are in. Husband ignores you sexually. does not even try. You (incorrectly) think it means that you are no longer attractive, and hunker down to a somewhat dismal life. then some guy at work flirts with you, comments on how sexy your dress looks, says things like "how lucky your husband is to have you", and those endorphin chemicals start firing in your brain. Pretty soon you are "in love" like a teenager on prom night, and it FEELS GOOD! Its pretty hard to resist all that.
> 
> So...just go into this with your eyes open....you are ripe to be seduced. So think it all through before hand. if the marriage is really done for, then start ending it so you CAN date again and get that sexual thrill back. But if you want to stay married, and still want to be sexually fulfilled...you are going to have to make some interesting choices, and have some stark conversations with your hubby.
> 
> good luck, it is not an easy decision to make


They aren't married.

Some people w/ a bad sex life cheat, but a lot don't.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

badsanta said:


> So what does everyone on TAM want? Do you want to be wanted or do you want someone just willing to please you. You can't have both!


Why is it a binary decision again? You can’t have someone who wants to have sex with you that also gets you off?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> The #1 thing most posters here on TAM want is to want someone to want them. Many folks here have partners with no desire but happen to be willing to please them. That gets rejected because they want to be wanted.
> 
> So here the OP is wanted but has a partner unwilling to please anyone other than himself by enjoying wanting and having the OP. Isn't that what everyone here on TAM wants? Yet everyone calls him a dud.
> 
> ...


Huh? Okay, what have you done with the real badsanta? You know - the one who craves his wife craving him, has more tricks than Barnum & Bailey and pulls more stunts than Evel Knievel to get what he wants. The one who would not be happy if his wife craved him and then lay there like a starfish.

I would hazard to guess that what people on TAM want is a partner who wants to have sex with them and wants to please their partner thereby providing a mutually enjoyable experience.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

badsanta said:


> So here the OP is wanted but has a partner unwilling to please anyone other than himself by enjoying wanting and having the OP. Isn't that what everyone here on TAM wants? Yet everyone calls him a dud.


I've always explained it like this: There is a difference between a man who wants _you_ and a man who wants sex. A man who wants you will kiss, touch, lick, nibble and so on because he wants to touch and taste you and because he gets something from your reaction. A man who wants sex will more or less use your body to get his orgasm.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

badsanta said:


> The #1 thing most posters here on TAM want is to want someone to want them. Many folks here have partners with no desire but happen to be willing to please them. That gets rejected because they want to be wanted.
> 
> So here the OP is wanted but has a partner unwilling to please anyone other than himself by enjoying wanting and having the OP. Isn't that what everyone here on TAM wants? Yet everyone calls him a dud.
> 
> ...


The thing is techniques can be learned and people can lift a finger to find out what their partner likes and how to please them.

But in 8 years he hasn’t even tried and hasn’t lifted a finger even when she’s tried to tell him. 

That is a dud. 

There are millions of men out there that would give it their all to try to please her. 

NEXT!!!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> That is a dud.


DUD confirmed!


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