# Wife's reaction to friend's affair



## mousecat74 (Oct 1, 2017)

Hi just wanted to know if I am right to be annoyed about this. To make a long atory short, here is what happened. My friend of 25 years suspected his wife was being unfaithful, and it turned out she was. She was having an affair and left him. She initiated divorce proceedings against my friend (not other way around). She moved her lover into his house and forced him to leave. They have 2 kids and they remain with her in the house with her and her lover. During divorce so far she has been extremely cold and manipulative mking everything as hard as possible for my friend. Also during this time she has behaved appalingly including assaulting him, hurling abuse at his family, inventing crimes he did not commit, using anti semetic language, the list goes on. At one point my friend was contemplating suicide and I talked him down. He is getting by wuth counselling and medication. But its hard for him and it breaks my heart to see this happen to him.

And now the problem. 

My wife is friends with her and she does not seem even remotely angry about her behaviour. In fact she seems to support her in it and condones it entirely. It disgusts me that she continues to be friends with this woman. If my wife accepts and approves of this behaviour what does that say about her? It is awkward situation to say the least.

Am I wrong to be upset about her reaction?

Thanks.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

No, you are not wrong to be upset by your wife's reaction. Your wife should be appalled and eschew this wayward woman for the pariah she is. 

Has your wife always viewed infidelity with such indifference? Have her views on cheating changed over the years? Has she always been close friends with this woman? Have you let her know that you are put off by her inappropriate reaction? 

I would be troubled and disconcerted by her attitude about this situation.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There may be trouble ahead.
Have you ever heard the saying “Judge me by the company I keep”.
Watch everything you’re wife does,forewarned is forearmed.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

not a good sign.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This is totally mysterious on the part of your wife!

Regarding the cheating woman, does she exercise full control over her husband in that she owns their domicile or is he just rolling over for her like a whipped dog?

If he has any specter of ownership, he needs to have his a$$ inside a good piranha attorney's office being fully advised of his community property division rights.

As far as your W goes, if she is going fully condone and embrace what it is that this guys wife is doing to him, then you had better be rather wary in your own right, because you could very well be next in line for a most huge and unpleasant domestic surprise of your own! 

"Birds of a feather flock together!" 
Just sayin'!*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *This is totally mysterious on the part of your wife!
> 
> Regarding the cheating woman, does she exercise full control over her husband in that she owns their domicile or is he just rolling over for her like a whipped dog?
> 
> ...


She may be taking notes.
The fact that she actually condones her friends behavior would have me going into detective mode immediately.A lot of women would be supportive to her friends but privately express concern at her behavior,the fact that your wife seems to be almost a cheerleader for her friend is worrying.Start looking for any financial irregularities in your savings and maybe consider checking her phone usage.Better to act now than be sorry later.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, 59 years old, married 37 years (first marriage for both of us). Your wife is not phased by the behavior of your friend's wife because they are alike in values. Watch yourself. If your wife is contemplating of cheating or divorcing you, rest assured that she is taking lessons from this woman. You have reasons to be concerned. As the old saying goes: "Birds of the same feather, flock together".


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I couldn’t possibly keep a friend who condoned this let alone a wife. Just stands against everything I believe in personally. I think you have a right to be concerned. When you bring this up to her what explanation does she have for it? Does she know something more about this situation you don’t?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Roselyn said:


> Woman here, 59 years old, married 37 years (first marriage for both of us). Your wife is not phased by the behavior of your friend's wife because they are alike in values. Watch yourself. If your wife is contemplating of cheating or divorcing you, rest assured that she is taking lessons from this woman. You have reasons to be concerned. As the old saying goes: "Birds of the same feather, flock together".



I agree with the above, and have lived thru it. Once the first woman in our circle of friends left her husband it started a chain reaction and couples started breaking up left and right. I think for years the women had talked about how miserable they were being married and as soon as the one was sleeping around she convinced the rest of the group how wonderful and exciting life was with her new lover. 

Yep...birds of a feather


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Check your phone bill(s), yo.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

this would make me really think about filing or digging. I definitely wouldn't let this lie.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Mousecat,
You shouldn't even doubt that it is wrong to be appalled by your wife's support of her friends affair. Don't let what happened to to your frienfd happen to you. He was passive. You must be assertive. Snoop and don't don't show your hand. Check your wife's phone and phone records. She may not be in the midst of an affair, but her support of a friend indicates that she is probably checked out of her marriage.

My sister-in-law was appalled the first time my wife exwife had an affair. Years later after I remarried my ex and gave her a second chance, she cheated again (and I divorced her again). My wife's sister wasn't appalled at her sister the second time and was supportive of her because SIL had checked out of her own marriage. Her values about love, commitment, and fidelity changed over night. Is your wife's pattern similar? How is your marriage otherwise?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if she not condoning her behavior than she is supporting it...and i suspect she knew about the behavior...frankly i would tell her friend off and tell her she and her POS will NEVER be welled at your house.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

when your wife does the same to you, you will have your answer


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mousecat,

Have your friend record his WWs anti-semitic venom and then expose her to everyone both for her hatred and her cheating.

Tamat


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Seriously fd up problem!

Have to wonder about your wife's fidelity at most and her extremely low character at best.

Might cause me to split with my wife.

Your wife is pretty slimy in character.

You should be upset.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

mousecat74 said:


> My wife is friends with her and she does not seem even remotely angry about her behaviour. In fact she seems to support her in it and condones it entirely. It disgusts me that she continues to be friends with this woman. *If my wife accepts and approves of this behaviour what does that say about her? * It is awkward situation to say the least.
> 
> Am I wrong to be upset about her reaction?
> 
> Thanks.


Not trying to be too much of an a-hole here but if YOU condone your W's behavior what does it say about you?

Doing nothing regarding your W's actions is tacit approval of them. I hope you're not silent.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Let me describe this differently. You and your wife know a couple that is going through an ugly divorce. You are friends with the guy, and he has told you what an absolutely horrible person his wife is. Your wife is friends with the woman and I have to imagine that she is hearing a completely different story. 

I was involved in a situation like this long ago, and lost a long term friend over it. It was an ugly child support case. He saw a man who refused to support the child he had fathered. I saw a woman who had managed to get pregnant by several young fairly wealthy men in succession and once pregnant, immediately broke up and insisted on financial support but refused to give the fathers any access to the children.

What I suggest is that you try to calmly talk about this with your wife and find out what *she* thinks happened. What has she been told about the situation. You may find that her behavior is completely reasonable based on what she believes is the truth.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Let me describe this differently. You and your wife know a couple that is going through an ugly divorce. You are friends with the guy, and he has told you what an absolutely horrible person his wife is. Your wife is friends with the woman and I have to imagine that she is hearing a completely different story.
> 
> I was involved in a situation like this long ago, and lost a long term friend over it. It was an ugly child support case. He saw a man who refused to support the child he had fathered. I saw a woman who had managed to get pregnant by several young fairly wealthy men in succession and once pregnant, immediately broke up and insisted on financial support but refused to give the fathers any access to the children.
> 
> What I suggest is that you try to calmly talk about this with your wife and find out what *she* thinks happened. What has she been told about the situation. You may find that her behavior is completely reasonable based on what she believes is the truth.


 Very good advice Uhtred. There are always two sides to every story.

That being said its a bit hard to see how OP's wife could realistically take her friends side without being completely naive. She filed for divorce. Fine. But new man ALREADY living with her in her home with children? Come on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Birds of a feather flock together. 

I would be upset if my W was good with what has occurred in this marriage disaster.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your friend's wife's behavior is beyond despicable and disgusting. That you wife supports this behavior? Just as disgusting, and I agree with everyone else you would be wise to watch your back. Have you had a serious discussion about this with her? Has she said why she is so supportive, are there things you maybe are not aware of? (I am NOT condoning her behavior, but offering up a possibility?)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You are probably right, but its tough to know for sure. The husband could have been cheating, or been abusive / violent. 

People's opinions vary, but for me, if your spouse has behaved in a way that you are sure you want a divorce, and you have told them so, I have no problem with sleeping with other people while the paperwork gets done. 





Middle of Everything said:


> Very good advice Uhtred. There are always two sides to every story.
> 
> That being said its a bit hard to see how OP's wife could realistically take her friends side without being completely naive. She filed for divorce. Fine. But new man ALREADY living with her in her home with children? Come on.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

You have every right to be appalled and disgusted. I myself would go on a private full court press. Start digging, start securing. It's time for you to take action to protect yourself. I have a feeling you are not far behind your friend.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I would be concerned for sure; that's some odd behaviour to be condoning on her part. Maybe she's just trying to be supportive of the same sex friend of hers (girl power or something), but I would still be asking a few questions.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I would be disgusted and concerned. I've seen in real life and read about countless times that a waywards opinion changes depending on their circumstances. A wife that was always pro family and took a hard stance against cheating is now sympathetic when she starts hanging with divorcees. The old birds of a feather thing. 

I would want to do a temperature check on the marriage. How true is your wife? Let your friend's experience and more importantly your wife's reaction to it, be a wake up call.


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## Sipu69 (Oct 3, 2017)

That is something terrible enough


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

mousecat74 said:


> Hi just wanted to know if I am right to be annoyed about this. To make a long atory short, here is what happened. My friend of 25 years suspected his wife was being unfaithful, and it turned out she was. She was having an affair and left him. She initiated divorce proceedings against my friend (not other way around). She moved her lover into his house and forced him to leave. They have 2 kids and they remain with her in the house with her and her lover. During divorce so far she has been extremely cold and manipulative mking everything as hard as possible for my friend. Also during this time she has behaved appalingly including assaulting him, hurling abuse at his family, inventing crimes he did not commit, using anti semetic language, the list goes on. At one point my friend was contemplating suicide and I talked him down. He is getting by wuth counselling and medication. But its hard for him and it breaks my heart to see this happen to him.
> 
> And now the problem.
> 
> ...


You should fear the same thing happening to you. 

But damn your friend for being such a coward and letting his STBXW treat him the way she did.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

mousecat74 said:


> Hi just wanted to know if I am right to be annoyed about this. To make a long atory short, here is what happened. My friend of 25 years suspected his wife was being unfaithful, and it turned out she was. She was having an affair and left him. She initiated divorce proceedings against my friend (not other way around). She moved her lover into his house and forced him to leave. They have 2 kids and they remain with her in the house with her and her lover. During divorce so far she has been extremely cold and manipulative mking everything as hard as possible for my friend. Also during this time she has behaved appalingly including assaulting him, hurling abuse at his family, inventing crimes he did not commit, using anti semetic language, the list goes on. At one point my friend was contemplating suicide and I talked him down. He is getting by wuth counselling and medication. But its hard for him and it breaks my heart to see this happen to him.
> 
> And now the problem.
> 
> ...


Here's a fun (?) story:

My ex wife told me her sister was having an affair with an old flame (her first BF), and someone my ex wife genuinely loved as a brother during that time. It had been well over 10 years since they had dated, and (allegedly) they had found each other again. Meanwhile, sister-in-law was married, had young kids.

This (again, allegedly) went on for ~a year. My ex wife not only condoned it, but she was thrilled that she was seeing this guy again (she adored him) and hoped they'd eventually actually get together. I heard all kinds of details over this time period.

Then my ex wife left me for an OM. Someone, I found out later, she had been engaging with online for some two years.

About 6 months after doing so, I casually mentioned to my (at that point, former sister-in-law) that I was glad she made the right choice and stayed with her husband. She said "Huh?". I said something like "You know, instead of carrying on with _____". She again said "Huh???" I explained to her that I knew about him, her sister told me all about it, and I thought she knew I knew. She did actually tell me she told her I knew. (I also didn't condone it, btw). "Huuuhhhh???"

I still don't know if she did actually have an affair, but I know my ex wife did... right during this whole saga (real or imagined). Former sister in law denied it, and I was inclined to believe her (she's actually the black sheep in that family, very family-oriented, seemed to genuinely love her husband and DEFINITELY loved her kids). Was it all some sort of ruse to throw me off the scent of her own affair? Did her sister actually do the things she said she did, and it lit a fire under her?

Who knows. What I DO know is that, real or imagined, she condoned it. Was actually happy about it. Told me all these details, almost like she was a giddy high schooler again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@mousecat74 Watch and learn.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

alexm said:


> Here's a fun (?) story:
> 
> My ex wife told me her sister was having an affair with an old flame (her first BF), and someone my ex wife genuinely loved as a brother during that time. It had been well over 10 years since they had dated, and (allegedly) they had found each other again. Meanwhile, sister-in-law was married, had young kids.
> 
> ...


I always advocate that spouses take a hard stance against infidelity in their midst. A lukewarm denouncement while taking in all the juicy details sends a signal of weakness that adultery is not so bad. Your ex sis-in-law may just be denying because she has to take it to the grave. But then again the details you heard could have been your ex's confessions. 

Doesn't matter to you anymore but is a valuable lesson for OP and others out there that tacit acceptance of such behavior sends signals that potential waywards subconsciously take in.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Let's see...birds of a feather...

..show me who your friends are...

And the list goes go on....Just know that people of integrity will always stay on the side of honesty no matter who or where it takes them....

Becareful....she is learning how to treat you.


.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jsmart said:


> I always advocate that spouses take a hard stance against infidelity in their midst. A lukewarm denouncement while taking in all the juicy details sends a signal of weakness that adultery is not so bad. Your ex sis-in-law may just be denying because she has to take it to the grave. But then again the details you heard could have been your ex's confessions.
> 
> Doesn't matter to you anymore but is a valuable lesson for OP and others out there that tacit acceptance of such behavior sends signals that potential waywards subconsciously take in.


In my defense, I didn't condone it, and let my ex wife know that, but it didn't stop her from talking about it to me...

Now - why did I not speak up? Hindsight is 20/20, ain't it? And being in a situation like that is much more difficult IRL than just reading someone's stories. Regardless, I knew soon after that I should have. But alas, I didn't.

I strongly suspect that it was all BS, anyway. But it was quite convincing and detailed, so you never know. I never will, anyway. Not in touch with any of them anymore, ex sister in law included, and that awkward exchange was a big reason for that - on my end, not hers. Given what had just recently happened to me, I wanted to believe her, but I had a hard time and just extricated myself from all of it.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Many years ago I discovered my W best friend was quite heavily involved (everything except penetration) with her daughters fiancé (now husband). She had been involved emotionally with several men over the course of her marriage and my wife actually told me that one of these men once called her to discuss her friend (he wanted to know how he could help the friend ..........right?). 

When my W told me she had had a conversation with this guy I was pissed and we had one of the greatest battles of all time. I was warned to keep my mouth shut. My wife always refers to her friend as a very good person who is just in a tough situation. I really was in disbelief about her attitude about the situation.

This changed the way I view my W. It is one of the reasons I believe she has been unfaithful. She could have an affair and remain friendly with that person under my nose. I think beneath the surface she is quite cold.

I agree with everyone OP. I would be very wary of your W.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

mousecat74 said:


> Hi just wanted to know if I am right to be annoyed about this. To make a long atory short, here is what happened. My friend of 25 years suspected his wife was being unfaithful, and it turned out she was. She was having an affair and left him. She initiated divorce proceedings against my friend (not other way around). She moved her lover into his house and forced him to leave. They have 2 kids and they remain with her in the house with her and her lover. During divorce so far she has been extremely cold and manipulative mking everything as hard as possible for my friend. Also during this time she has behaved appalingly including assaulting him, hurling abuse at his family, inventing crimes he did not commit, using anti semetic language, the list goes on. At one point my friend was contemplating suicide and I talked him down. He is getting by wuth counselling and medication. But its hard for him and it breaks my heart to see this happen to him.
> 
> And now the problem.
> 
> ...


At this point I would encourage her to prepare herself for a diferent conversation if this attitude continues.

Or more importantly prepare yourself

55


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wonder if the wife has been telling your wife lies about her husband to get sympathy and to justify her bad behaviour? My husband's ex did this, had an affair and then told people lies about her husband to excuse the fact that she was divorcing him. Most people believed her as well.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Many years ago I discovered my W best friend was quite heavily involved (everything except penetration) with her daughters fiancé (now husband). She had been involved emotionally with several men over the course of her marriage and my wife actually told me that one of these men once called her to discuss her friend (he wanted to know how he could help the friend ..........right?).
> 
> When my W told me she had had a conversation with this guy I was pissed and we had one of the greatest battles of all time. I was warned to keep my mouth shut. My wife always refers to her friend as a very good person who is just in a tough situation. I really was in disbelief about her attitude about the situation.
> 
> ...


Ok, so your wife's best friend (still best friend?) sucked her own daughters fiance's **** and he reciprocated, potential hand jobs etc. And your wife was/is ok with it? I think you are right, any person who could rationalize and defend such behavior and most importantly remain good friends with such a person CANNOT be trusted. At least when it comes to similar matters. 

Sorry for you there RClawson


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I'd be worried. It's not normal for women to condone such behavior even from their friend unless they themselves harbor the same feelings.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

JayDee7 said:


> I'd be worried. It's not normal for women to condone such behavior even from their friend unless they themselves harbor the same feelings.


I concur. I have believed this ever since I found out.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

She'd be OK with you doing something similar with a female neighbor or co-worker during a difficult patch in your relationship, right????

>>>


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