# Wife wants space after 10 Years



## jakedog (Apr 30, 2010)

i will try to make this short. I have been with my wife for 10 years,married for 7 of them. we have 4 year old daughter. She approached me a month ago and said she feels like we are roomates and not husband and wife. I am 37 she is 42. I did not see this coming what so ever. i was shocked. I knew we have gotten comfortable in our marrige. And now looking back we both see where we went wrong and i dont see it as a hard fix, we just need to work at it. we need to communicate more and make more time for us as 2 and not a family. needless to say she was adiment about her choice and i stepped up and said i would move out. Now i have been away for 3 weeks, we started counseling only once so far. But i am just scared as hell we will seperate. I really really dont want that. i want all 3 of us back together. The worst part is she was scared to tell me for like the last six months.She has wanted this for that long. 

Any thoughts how long something like this might take ? She says she needs counseling to find the answers. She does say she wants things to work , I'm just scared as hell ! i know it might long rd. just wondering who else has gone through this ?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I haven't gone through this per se, but the 'roommates' argument... I know all about that from firsthand experience. My theory is that if husband and wife will become the spouse that the other NEEDS (but without losing their identities), passion will reignite. In other words find out what excites your spouse and then make a practice to do it.

Because you have the weak bargaining hand here, why not approach your wife plainly and often? See if you can get her to open up. Since she clearly believes "it's over" you must demonstrate real fortitude to demonstrate you are listening and eager to fix this. The content and manner of her response should be indicative of what's going on in her mind. Let me provide two quick _hypothetical conclusions_:

- she has been sending signals all along that you missed, probably due to the usual distractions
- she never sent signals [intentionally] because she found someone else, finding it easier to cheat than to fix things with you

Please understand I am not suggesting any specific conclusion is at play here. I am only listing examples. Approach her with sincerity and encouragement. Try your best to impart her with a modicum of optimism, then secondarily verify the real motivations of her heart. Perhaps then you'll know which direction to head next. 


Good luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, you need to move back home. 

NEVER leave the house, if the other spouse is unhappy. If they're so unhappy, THEY can leave.

Move back home. Tell her it's your house, too, and you want to be with your daughter. She is welcome to leave, but you stay with your daughter.

Then, install a keylogger on her computer and check her phone records. You have a 90% chance she has met someone. If so, you can fight it, and get your wife back. But you have to know, first.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

jakedog said:


> She does say she wants things to work


This is a huge statement that she is willing to work on things so that is in your favor.

I am not a fan of separation as part of recovering a marriage. (Unless there are anger or abuse issues) She can have space and have you in the house also. But if she feels you are roommates then the two of you need to spend time together as a couple and family. Let her know you are willing to give her space but will be moving back to be a full time parent to your daughter. Be attentive to your wife's needs but don't dote on her. Don't turn your actions around 180 degrees but show commitment and confidence around her. A willingness to work at the marriage. 

If you have seen the error of your ways, then work on those issues but likely she has a part in this also. Both of you will need to work at this to recover but it could take time. Hopefully your counselor will provide you with proper guidance.

Just because she has asked for space does not mean she is involved with some one else but it is a possibility. Discuss each of your needs in the marriage to determine what you each are looking for, then try and work on those issues. Don't beat a dead horse by rehashing the same issues over and over. I stress, don't panic, be confident and steady through this period. This is a serious shot over the bow of your marriage, treat it as a wake up call and an opportunity for both you and your wife to be happier.

The four words in my signature were my mantra during the recovery of my wife and marriage. (25+ years together) I truly believe they had a huge impact on our progress. Good luck.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Separation is difficult – don’t be fooled. It may very well be permanent. I’m entering month #6. And even though some things have improved, they haven’t improved enough so we may end up going even longer than originally planned. I still think the best way to work on a marriage is to be together, but we were fighting too often and I think the separation has at least been good for our kids.

The guys above said just about everything – a few things jump out at me:

_“Become the spouse that the other NEEDS”_

_“Let me provide two quick hypothetical conclusions:
- she has been sending signals all along that you missed, probably due to the usual distractions
- she never sent signals [intentionally] because she found someone else, finding it easier to cheat than to fix things with you”_*
(These do seem to be the most common reasons – keep your eyes opened for signs of option #2.)*

_“NEVER leave the house, if the other spouse is unhappy. If they're so unhappy, THEY can leave.”_
*(I refused to go anywhere and its been one of the BEST moves that I’ve made – although getting back in may be tough for you at this point, I would give it a shot.)*

_“Be attentive to your wife's needs but don't dote on her. Don't turn your actions around 180 degrees but show commitment and confidence around her. A willingness to work at the marriage.”_

_“Don't beat a dead horse by rehashing the same issues over and over.”_
*(This is the WORST thing that I’ve been guilty of. Some things seem so plain and logical to me – I keep thinking she’ll come around if I continue to “hammer the point home” – but it just doesn’t work that way. At some point they stop listening.)*

Good luck!


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## jakedog (Apr 30, 2010)

Thanks everyone, Just a few notes to add. I am 110% positive there is no other man, I am certain of that. We only were renting our house that she is in. She was going to leave and go to a friends house and i did not want that for our daughter. I wanted her to have a bedroom and place she could call her own. So i stepped up and rented a place of my own. So far my daughter is doing very well. M e and the wife are getting along just fine. We never did argue and there was no abuse. As far as arguing we probably should have because we never did ! As of right now the counseler told us to take some time for just us, not to so get a babysitter but just meet for coffee for 10 or 20 minutes after work. just spend some alone time for now. We go back next Wed .I actually look forward to going again. I pray we can ease back into each other and she is not to far gone inside to let me back in.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

When the woman is saying she is needing space, this is her saying she is wanting to let you go gently instead to crush you all at once.

Do not sit around to "wait" for the woman to make up her mind. The ball in your court to take the action to save the marriage, to "wake up" to start being the man your woman is looking for, before she finds what she is looking for in some other man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep.


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