# Can't finish sex



## Gr8Guy (Aug 2, 2014)

Long story but I am mid-50's and have had very little partner sex in my life. I was a virgin until I was 30 so prior to marriage at 30 I only knew self-sex. The I married and had about 2 years of partner sex followed by almost no sex then no sex. The last 8 years of a 19 year marriage were sexless. I masturbated and avoided porn until the very end when anti-anxiety meds made it very hard to climax without more visual stimulation.

Ever since sex has been hard even in marriage. I think after all those years my mind separated sexual intimacy from sexual relief. Masturbation was about relief. It was convenient. You could do it when you needed to and not depend upon a partner. Intimacy is great but can be achieved without sex. I love intimacy (i.e. holding, kissing, etc.) but don't feel I need sex to experience it. Like some other men on here it can take me a long time to climax much longer than I would ask my wife to submit to. If after 10 minutes I can tell nothing is going to happen anytime soon I just stop. She has been wonderfully supportive but still thinks it's just a matter of me getting used to partner sex again and then things will all work out. I am not that optimistic. I think my mind/body is used to and prefers self-sex. It just wants relief when it needs it. I've tried no masturbation for 3 months and no difference. Now in fact my libido is about zero. I never feel aroused. I can get hard but without feeling aroused. Started into intercourse and it feels good but not good enough to build to a climax.

She has not forbid me from masturbating but thinks it's better I don't as it will just reinforce what I am used to. The problem is I still have occasional needs and through no fault of her own she can't meet them. She's even tried masturbating me but it takes too long.

We still have sex and I try and am happy if she gets something out of it. I feel though I still need to masturbate at other times for my relief. I've gotten hints though that it bothers her a bit that I can climax on my own but not with her. I haven't given up but feel I have to impress upon her the possibility that I will never climax during intercourse with her or it will be extremely seldom. I am concerned this will become an issue. It is early on now. How will she feel in a year or two years?

I have been through 2 years of sexually counseling and nothing has changed. My counselor thinks it's an intimacy issue with me (emotional) and that I just don't want to mess with sex. I prefer masturbation plain and simple. I have to say I agree.

Anyone else in this boat? Can a marriage survive this?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

It might be your grip rather than anything psychological. If you masturbate in the prone position (face down) and use a tight grip it makes it more difficult to climax when you are having sex, due to low pressure of the bed (or whatever) below you and the fact that the vagina is not going to exert the same pressure as your clenched fist. 

Google it, there are remedies if this is in fact your problem. I had this issue and sorted it out in a week.


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## Gr8Guy (Aug 2, 2014)

johnnycomelately said:


> It might be your grip rather than anything psychological. If you masturbate in the prone position (face down) and use a tight grip it makes it more difficult to climax when you are having sex, due to low pressure of the bed (or whatever) below you and the fact that the vagina is not going to exert the same pressure as your clenched fist.
> 
> Google it, there are remedies if this is in fact your problem. I had this issue and sorted it out in a week.


Thanks. Understand what you are saying but it's more than that. Remember I got away from masturbation for months or used a sleeve that felt just like a vagina with no tight grip. I still freeze up when I have partner sex. I can't feel aroused in the least. It's odd. My body is responding (to a point) but my mind is so not into it. Ends up seeming like it's way more trouble than it's worth.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I sometimes have trouble climaxing with my wife especially if she is really wet, and most of times she is. She lubes something fierce even at her age. There is just not enough friction to get the job done.

So what I do is go at it until she or I get too hot, then we stop for a break. Work on getting hard again and then re-try. Seems like the second and/or third try she is much dryer and there is more friction and stimulation. I can almost always get off the second or third time. The first time maybe about 70%.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

There is something in there that changes after the 1st time even without wiping. Don't know what it is, but I can always feel it.

You can't fool 'feeling'.


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## Gr8Guy (Aug 2, 2014)

In my case she is not too wet. It is more like I am not sensitive enough. A good analogy is kissing versus sex. Kissing is great and very pleasurable however it does not normally lead to an orgasm. While the mouth can be used in giving sexual pleasure it is not in and of itself a sex organ. That's why sex is like for me. Feels good but rarely ever builds to something more. Part of it may be me. I probably don't relax as much during sex as when I masturbate. I just don't get aroused. I could go all day and never climax. 

Sadly sex is just not that exciting. As I wrote earlier, for me it has become a release and nothing more. I have almost no libido and masturbation is much easier when I need relief. The rest of the time I have no interest in sex. When I have sex it is mostly for her sake. It is part physical and part psychological. I am about ready to give up on sex at least for my needs. I will always do my best for her and try not to put a damper on her enjoyment but I don't expect to get much out of it...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

You mentioned anti-anxiety medication earlier and I don't see any further comment on that. Are you still using them? If so have you considered getting away from them, lowering the dosage or changing the type? Those can greatly impact libido.

In the meantime, you mentioned that "Feels good but rarely ever builds to something more. Part of it may be me. I probably don't relax as much during sex as when I masturbate." Focus on that. Let it feel good but don't even worry if you have an orgasm. If you don't worry about having an orgasm, it likely will make sex even more enjoyable and may let you relax more. I get the sense this 'orgasm obstacle' is huge in your mind, maybe more so for her sake than your own, and as such each time you have sex it is with this weight in your mind. Don't worry if you have an orgasm or not, just focus on enjoying what you can enjoy; the fact you are with your partner, that you are making your women happy, that you are with a women who actually cares about your happiness unlike your ex-wife. 

One step at a time, and the first step is just learning to relax during sex and not putting so much weight on yourself. Sex is supposed to be fun, so make it as fun as possible.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

From a former expert of "Palmena" you should just stop all together. I quite for 2 yrs and it resulted in some great results bro. 

Not trying to be in ur biz but you may have to *uck the same speed as you beating off.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Guessing the OP isn't coming back, but holy cow there are a lot of unanswered questions. Why were the last 8 years of marriage sexless? Was it the OP who stopped it or was it his wife? Why all of a sudden did they resume having sex? Who broke the ice on that one? Why was the OP a virgin at 30? Intimacy issues back then? Shyness? Something else? I don't see how any meaningful advice can be given unless more of a background is known. No doubt there are sensitivity issues due to masturbation...but why was masturbation the method of choice for the last 8 years? Was it his preference or was he driven to it out of desperation?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

resentment.


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## Gr8Guy (Aug 2, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Guessing the OP isn't coming back, but holy cow there are a lot of unanswered questions. Why were the last 8 years of marriage sexless? Was it the OP who stopped it or was it his wife? Why all of a sudden did they resume having sex? Who broke the ice on that one? Why was the OP a virgin at 30? Intimacy issues back then? Shyness? Something else? I don't see how any meaningful advice can be given unless more of a background is known. No doubt there are sensitivity issues due to masturbation...but why was masturbation the method of choice for the last 8 years? Was it his preference or was he driven to it out of desperation?


My last 8 years of my first marriage were sexless because my ex-wife refused sex. She said she didn't like it, never did, "God made me this way", and that was that. I still had needs but had no intention to be unfaithful so masturbation was all I had. So no it was not my choice.

I was a virgin at 30 because I chose to wait to get married to have sex. I felt strongly about that believing sex is for marriage only.

Ever since my divorce sex has been difficult. It no longer feels natural. I mentally note something exciting, I can get an erection, but there is no feeling of arousal. Sex itself fails to produce the needed level of pleasure for me to climax. Not sure why. 

Yes I am on meds but I can masturbate at least half the times I try so I know it's possible but success if actual sex is rare. For now I am going to keep trying but am seldom in the mood and doubt I will climax. Maybe someday it will change but I doubt it. After all these years sex is about relief not intimacy. I get that through cuddling and kissing etc.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Unless you are trying every hour, being able to masturbate have the times you try isn't really a good success rate. The meds may be something to consider, as is a low T level.

That's assuming its possibly something physical, and you should rule that out first. Afterwards, if it still is a problem and no physical reasons surface then there is more likely to be a mental block preventing you from equating sex to a positive experience.


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