# Got into a disagreement with my husband's cousin



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

So, my husband has this cousin. She lives in a different state, and I've never met her personally. I've only talked to her a little bit on Facebook. 

A few years ago, she and my mother-in-law got into an argument, not sure what it was about. They got really upset with each other to the point that my mother-in-law blocked her on Facebook and my husband's cousin changed her phone number. They both pretty much cut off contact with each other. 

Recently, my husband's cousin has been messaging him on Facebook asking him to tell his mom that she wants to talk to her. The first time she messaged him, we were in the hospital and I had just given birth to our son. My husband put a picture of our son on Facebook, announcing his birth, and she put a comment saying something along the lines of "oh he's so cute, hey tell your mom I want to talk to her". Keep in mind, his mom was NOT at the hospital with us. Just like his cousin, his mother also lives in a different state, so we rarely ever see her except maybe once or twice a year on holidays. 

I had been in labor for over 24 hours, my epidural didn't work, had to have a c section, my husband and I both were sleep deprived and yet she thought this would be the best time to ask my husband for a favor. So anyway, he just ignored her and didn't reply. 

I guess since she didn't have any luck with my husband she decided to try me. Last night she Facebook messaged me and it went something like this. 

Her: hey could you please do me a favor and tell your mother in law that I want to talk to her. Tell her I don't want to argue, I just want to talk. I miss talking to her and don't want her to be mad at me anymore, please tell her that. My number is ________, tell her to call me. 

Me: well since we don't live near her anymore, I don't see her or talk to her much. I'm pretty busy with the baby and everything, I don't have a lot of spare time. I'm not sure what you and her have going on but I'd really prefer to just not get involved anyway. 

Her: I didn't know it took a lot of time to make a phone call. That's ok, thanks anyway. And you don't have to be so rude! 

Me: I wasn't trying to be rude, just being honest. I'm not going to be your messenger for you. If she wants to talk to you, she knows how to reach you. 

Her: I didn't want you to get involved,I just needed you to give her my number. And no she doesn't know how to reach me. I changed my number, that's why I wanted you to give her my new one. If she calls me then that's great. If she doesn't, that's ok too. It's no big deal.

Me: she knows you have a Facebook, she can always contact you there if she wants to. 

Her: no she blocked me. (So?! She can unblock you!) I wouldn't have asked if I knew it would be a problem. Just don't worry about it. 

She said don't worry about it so I didn't respond any further. When I checked my facebook a bit later, I noticed she unfriended me. So she tells me not to worry about it as if everything is fine but then she unfriends me. Makes no sense. Then right after that, my husband said she messaged him yet again asking him to tell his mom to call her. He still gave her no response. 

I don't think I was being rude, I was just being blunt with her so she would get the picture. The point that I was trying to make is that I have a 3 month old, my husband works 70+hours a week, I really don't have much spare time. And the little bit of time that I do have, I'm not going to spend it relaying messages back and forth between her and my mother in law. That's their thing and I don't want to be a part of it. But she just totally disregarded the fact that I have a baby, or that maybe I have my own stuff going on and don't want to be bothered with her drama. She didn't care that it would be an inconvenience to me at all, as long as she got what she wanted. She rarely ever even talked to me before, and one of the few times that she does, she wants a favor. Then when I refuse to do it, she unfriends me and has no interest in talking to me anymore. 

My husband said she's crazy and he was proud of me for speaking my mind. He says there's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. If I don't want to do something all I have to say is no, and I don't owe anyone any further explanation. Just looking for some objective opinions on this. Do you think I handled it well? Was I rude? And if she ever tries to add me again as a friend should I accept or am I better off without a person like her in my life?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

In my opinion, NO, you weren't rude. You were honest, you were friendly but assertive, and firm. You were firm, cool, and dispassionate. SHE has an issue with boundaries, with reading between the lines, with taking a great big azz hint. She basically was on a mission and wanted you along for the mission and you chose not to accept the mission. She also sounds selfish, self-centered, and self-interested, not to mention a tad entitled.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Agree with husband. Stay far away from his family drama. Don't get involved. When things imploded you don't want to be in the middle of it.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You should have done the same thing your husband has been doing and never responded. But since you did....you handled it the best way you could.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think you now understand why your MIL isn't speaking with the cousin.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I don't comprehend how this turned into the problem it did. Let's see how this is supposed to work.

- SOMEONE: Hey Thundarr, can you ask XYZ to call me please.
- THUNDARR: Sure SOMEONE.
- THUNDARR: Hey XYZ, SOMEONE asked to see if you'd call her.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Well I actually wasn't going to respond at first but my husband was the one who suggested that I could respond if I wanted to, and to just let her know that I didn't want to get involved, so that's what I did. I figured if we just kept ignoring her, she was just going to keep asking. I felt like I needed to respond so she would shut up about it. 

Thunddar- there was more to it than her just wanting me to ask my mother in law to call her. It's the fact that she and my mother in law don't get along and I didn't want to be dragged into the middle of it. She said all she wanted was for me to give my mother in law her number but as you saw in her original message to me, that's not all she wanted. She wanted me to tell her that she doesn't want to argue with her anymore and misses talking to her and bla bla bla. If I had told my mother in law this, then she would have probably given me a message to give to my husbands cousin in return, and Im not going to be relaying messages back and forth. I've got too many other things of my own to worry about. 

I don't talk to my mother in law much. So when I do, why would I bring up something that's obviously just going to upset her? Clearly she doesn't want to talk to my husbands cousin. 

I feel like my husbands cousin should have respected the fact that I didn't want to do it, regardless of whether she agreed with the reason why. Instead she acted like a big drama queen and unfriended me. The way I see it, if she's only interested in talking to me when she wants a favor, I don't need her as a friend anyway.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Well I actually wasn't going to respond at first but my husband was the one who suggested that I could respond if I wanted to, and to just let her know that I didn't want to get involved, so that's what I did. I figured if we just kept ignoring her, she was just going to keep asking. I felt like I needed to respond so she would shut up about it.
> 
> Thunddar- there was more to it than her just wanting me to ask my mother in law to call her. It's the fact that she and my mother in law don't get along and I didn't want to be dragged into the middle of it. She said all she wanted was for me to give my mother in law her number but as you saw in her original message to me, that's not all she wanted. She wanted me to tell her that she doesn't want to argue with her anymore and misses talking to her and bla bla bla. If I had told my mother in law this, then she would have probably given me a message to give to my husbands cousin in return, and Im not going to be relaying messages back and forth. I've got too many other things of my own to worry about.
> 
> ...


I'm not saying you're wrong Kk. I was just saying that I don't see the issue with relaying a message from one person to another. You can certainly shut down being the middle any time it's actually a problem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. What's wrong with just doing a decent thing and passing along a phone number? Hardly 'getting involved.'

Maybe she's suffered a lot and come out the other end a better person. You could have helped the two of them get back together. Instead, she ended up feeling stupid and reactive when all she did was ask a favor. And maybe your MIL has been missing her, too. 

"Hi MIL, I got a request from ABC yesterday to pass along her phone number. Here it is. Hope everything's going well with you guys!"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> *Well I actually wasn't going to respond at first* but my husband was the one who suggested that I could respond if I wanted to, and to just let her know that I didn't want to get involved, so that's what I did. I figured if we just kept ignoring her, she was just going to keep asking. *I felt like I needed to respond so she would shut up about it*.
> 
> Thunddar- there was more to it than her just wanting me to ask my mother in law to call her. It's the fact that she and my mother in law don't get along and I didn't want to be dragged into the middle of it. She said all she wanted was for me to give my mother in law her number but as you saw in her original message to me, that's not all she wanted. She wanted me to tell her that she doesn't want to argue with her anymore and misses talking to her and bla bla bla. If I had told my mother in law this, then she would have probably given me a message to give to my husbands cousin in return, and Im not going to be relaying messages back and forth. I've got too many other things of my own to worry about.
> 
> ...


So you didn't want to respond, but did anyway since your husband said it was up to you? And then kept engaging after you said no...why did you feel compelled to feed the drama?


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

The amount of time it took you to have the back and forth conversation with her on FB, talk about it with your H, and post about it here (and reply to posts) - is tenfold what it would have taken to just give her the number. Why not just give it her? Her intentions are good, she's trying to heal family ties.

As you'd just had a baby, you could have said - hey I'll find it and give it to you next week when I'm back home (if the phone number wasn't readily available). 

It feels to me like you have a personal issue with her and refused to pass on the number out of spite. Even if you dislike her, be the bigger person - she's trying to be a better person herself.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Idun said:


> The amount of time it took you to have the back and forth conversation with her on FB, talk about it with your H, and post about it here (and reply to posts) - is tenfold what it would have taken to just give her the number. Why not just give it her? Her intentions are good, she's trying to heal family ties.
> 
> As you'd just had a baby, you could have said - hey I'll find it and give it to you next week when I'm back home (if the phone number wasn't readily available).
> 
> *It feels to me like you have a personal issue with her and refused to pass on the number out of *spite. Even if you dislike her, be the bigger person - she's trying to be a better person herself.


That's what I read as well. Seems like a lot of drama for nothing. I suppose there's nothing wrong with avoiding people who've proven to cause trouble but be honest about the reasons at least. And there's also nothing wrong with making a good gesture sometimes either.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> That's what I read as well. Seems like a lot of drama for nothing. I suppose there's nothing wrong with avoiding people who've proven to cause trouble but be honest about the reasons at least. And there's also nothing wrong with making a good gesture sometimes either.


Of course, the added benefit of doing the latter is that you kinda maybe feel good about yourself for helping a person out. You know, karma and all.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

kittykatz said:


> So, my husband has this cousin. She lives in a different state, and I've never met her personally. I've only talked to her a little bit on Facebook.
> 
> A few years ago, she and my mother-in-law got into an argument, not sure what it was about. They got really upset with each other to the point that my mother-in-law blocked her on Facebook and my husband's cousin changed her phone number. They both pretty much cut off contact with each other.
> 
> ...


Being honest here: I think you blew it out of proportion (and were rude) by giving her reasons why your MIL could contact her if she wanted. Basically, you dragged it out and made it bigger than it needed to be. Yes, you're busy with a baby and so is your husband (been there!) but relaying a quick message and phone number is not a big deal. 

If I were in your shoes, I'd have said, "Sure, I'll give her your message and number, but other than that, I don't want to be involved in what's going on between you two or become a messenger. I really hope everything works out!" The end. 

If you have time to check Facebook messages, write responses back and forth, and check who unfriended you, or post on this forum, then you have time to make a two minute phone call or text your MIL. Or better yet, copy and paste the message to your MIL on Facebook. Easy.

Also, just as a Facebook ground-rule, it's rude when you message someone, they read it, and they intentionally don't respond. Your hubby should have responded, it's his cousin. But there's probably family history there, maybe he dislikes her a lot because of the drama with his mother and just wants to ignore her on purpose. That's probably also the reason why you made it a point of not relaying her message. It doesn't have anything to do with you being busy...it's that you don't want to get involved at all, period.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Orange_pekoe: You're right. Even if I wasn't busy taking care of a baby, even if I had all the time in the world, I still wouldn't want to do her any favors. I guess I shouldn't have used the time thing as an excuse, but I was trying not to be mean about it and didn't know what else to say. 

Although Its true that I am usually busy, it's also true that it would have only taken me a minute to send my MIL a Facebook message. However, that's not the point. If someone asks me to do something and I don't want to do it, I feel I have every right to decline their request regardless of whatever the reasons are. She asked me to do something, she didn't get the answer she wanted, so she no longer wants anything to do with me. My MIL apparently still has some resentment toward the cousin, otherwise I think she would show more of an interest in trying to contact her. So, bringing up anything having to do with the cousin to my MIL would most likely just evoke a negative response from her. Like I said before, I don't talk to my MIL much, and when I do talk to her I'd much rather talk about something more pleasant like how the baby is doing or something that we can actually enjoy talking about. 

My husband actually never even opened any of her messages. He said he just saw the messages pop up in his notification menu on his phone but he never actually opened any of them. So she probably doesn't think that he read them and didn't respond. She probably just thinks he hasn't read them at all. 

If you're wondering why my husband and nobody else in the family likes her, let me give you a little example. A few years ago, my husbands grandma died. Before she had even had a funeral yet, my husbands cousin and her mom (which is my husbands aunt) were at his grandmas house, going through her things. My husbands aunt wanted to take his grandma's window air conditioning unit, and when she was told that it wasn't the time yet to be discussing that type of thing, she flew off the handle. She picked up the AC unit, threw it on the ground and started destroying it saying that if she couldn't have it, no one was going to get it. She and her daughter (my husbands cousin) drove back home shortly after and didn't even stay for the funeral. Then my husbands cousin put a picture of herself on Facebook, holding up a painting that their grandma had painted, and it said something like "my granny painted this. At least I got something from her after she passed." I don't know if she intended for it to sound that disturbing or not, but it made it sound like she could care less that her grandma died. She was more concerned with what she was going to get out of it, and her mom is the same way. 

That is why I tried to keep my distance from her. There are some people that you just know are toxic and you're better off to not have them in your life. I can be civil with her and all of that, but as far as doing her favors or being friends, I have no interest in that. So yes, I didn't do the favor for her because she's not a nice person and I don't like her. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't owe anything to her, I'm not obligated to do anything for her. She asked me if I would do something for her, I told her no, and instead of respecting that and saying ok that's fine, she was passive aggressive. She sarcastically told me "its ok. don't worry about it" and then took me off her friends list and will probably never talk to me again, unless she wants something from me, that is.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

I don't see what the problem is. If you don't see this woman, don't talk to her and she has no bearing on your life, why does it matter if you were rude to her or not? Why do you care? 

Ignore her and move on.


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