# HUMOUR--- That's what is needed here



## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

Let's be relaxed and I will contribute something to make all of us smile.

KISS principle=(Keep It Small & Simple)

Today's funny quote-

If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.
-- Marilyn Monroe


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

Ok Next One-

Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

Unknown


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

God made mud, God made dirt, 
God made boys so girls can flirt.

Again-- Who Else? 
Marilyn Monroe


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"A man is like a linoleum floor. Lay him right and you can walk on him for forty tears" -Brett Butler


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Just remember what old Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right in the eye and says, "Give me your best shot. I can take it."


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. -- Michel de Montaigne


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. -- Michel de Montaigne


LOL !

I have similar talk with my wife- 
I tell her you are blind.. can't see what lies ahead ... 
she tells me I am lame..can't earn enough !


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Always liked this one:

Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. -- Benjamin Franklin


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If those who who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it why is the only job for historians, teaching history?

courtesy of xkcd


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I don't really believe this one, but I do think it's funny:

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. -- Anonymous


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

"A face without freckles is like a night without stars.."


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"they say a man isn't complete until he's married.....Then he's finished


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

OK, I hope I don't get banned/blasted for this one:

"Women are like screen doors, you have to bang 'em a few times to loosen them up.."


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
Sacha Guitry

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

This is still my all time favorite.


The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I helped serve a bus tour of oldies recently. All in their 90's. They were hilarious and quirky and feisty. This was a joke one of them told. You might have heard it before but it seemed even funnier coming from a 95 year old lady. Also I'm awful at telling jokes, so I'll do my best to recap it properly. Here goes (sorry about the long intro!)


Wife tells her husband to meet her in the bedroom. He finds her in sexy lingerie and holding a couple of scarves. She tells him "Tie me up then do whatever you want!" With excitement he tied her to the bed then went fishing for the weekend.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Did I do the joke justice? I told you I'm awful at telling jokes lol.


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

frustr8dhubby said:


> OK, I hope I don't get banned/blasted for this one:
> 
> "Women are like screen doors, you have to bang 'em a few times to loosen them up.."


:lol:


Ok Next one--

Mobile phones are the only subject on which all boast about who’s got the smallest.

Neil Kinnock

BTW- I am surprised not to find any women here ! May be they lack sense of Humour


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Blank said:


> BTW- I am surprised not to find any women here ! May be they lack sense of Humour


oye ......I tried!

There are plenty of humorous women around here.


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Did I do the joke justice? I told you I'm awful at telling jokes lol.


Yes, You Did ! ........ (Wanted to say so many things....)


But as they say-- its better to keep quiet and let people wonder if you are a fool, rather than opening your mouth and proving them right.

So, I keep quiet here- 

anyway, Next One-

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
--Helen Rowland


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

a husband wakes up early to go fishing, sneaks out of bed and heads out to hook up the boat. he finds the weather is horrible, cold, windy and raining sideways so he thinks, screw this, i'll head back up stairs slip back into bed and try to hustle up some loving from the wife.

as he slips back into bed he wispers into her sleepy ear, hey baby, im here, the weather is horrible outside. she pulls him in tight and say i know darling, can you believe my dumbass husband went fishing


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> KISS principle=(Keep It Small & Simple)


Errr... I thought it was more like...

"Keep It Simple Stupid!" ;D


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Errr... I thought it was more like...
> 
> "Keep It Simple Stupid!" ;D




:nono: No stupxd word.

I use only clean words.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Why do brides always smile? Because they know they never have to **** **** again!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Hanging on our fridge:

"Marriage comes from Heaven. So does thunder and lightning"..


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

me and God have an agreement ,,, He stay's out of my house and I stay out of his ! ! ! 


hahahhaahaaaa I'm sorry ! ! ! I'll leave now :banhim: :smthumbup:


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

A preacher is reading the riot act to his congregation.
*'THERE ARE ONLY TWO LAWS. MAN'S LAW AND GOD'S LAW!*'

So little Jimmy at the back pipes up 'What about Coleslaw?'


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

What do you call a woman with a sense of humour?

Beats me, I've never met one yet!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Cheating hubby..is this for real or a joke you heard? Can I use it? Loved it!


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Men are like parking spaces.... all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped....


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

"I don't know why. I love women. And when I get older, I'm afraid it gets worse." Alfalfa (probably 8 years old) in Little Rascals


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## Blank (Apr 15, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I don't like jokes.


I like this.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

When in doubt, whip it out.


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## Charmed37 (Aug 13, 2012)

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

If its true that girls are inclined to marry husbands just like their fathers, then its understandable why so many mothers cry so much at their weddings.......


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

marriage is not a word its a sentance ..........a life sentance!


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Marriage is a three ring circus

First comes the engagement ring

Then the wedding ring

Then the suffer ring


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

Dad is it true that in china a man dosn't know his wife until hes married?


that happens everywhere son,everywhere!


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Chinese confucius say,
man who fights with wife all day
gets no pu**y at night


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> Chinese confucius say,
> man who fights with wife all day
> gets no pu**y at night


man with hole in pocket feels co*ky all day!


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

What's the difference between a brown nose and and a** kisser?

Depth perception.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

This one made me laugh until Icried. Somehow I could picture myself doing something like this.s still my all time favorite.


The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs...
this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache."


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Math test answer by a blonde:


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