# your thoughts of emails my husband makes to his friends about me



## sp01 (Nov 24, 2020)

I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.
1) I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
2) At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards _every single night_ (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

These are just a of couple emails. Some might think it is being oversensitive to spend too much time being hurt by these emails. But isn't it safe to say that these are unkind at best and would be hurtful to most people? And what makes it worse is that these are not just a couple of emails to just get over - these are among years of emails complaining about mostly little things (e.g., the fact that I put Christmas decorations up a few days before Dec1, that I like to tidy the house up before visitors, etc.). Taken together, all these emails are like death by a thousand paper cuts. I look forward to hearing your opinions. Thank you.
So specific questions again:
What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sp01 said:


> What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful.


I can easily see why you are hurt by his descriptive language, as if he is trying to prove your incompetence - even in spite of your past successes. A "big, fat no" is an undeserved embellishment. There can be myriad reasons why your grant application wasn't awarded, many of which have nothing to do with your capabilities nor your delivery. And, yes, I understand "incessant" to have a negative connotation, as does "big, fat".



sp01 said:


> he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me.



This behavior you describe is defined in the Cheaters' Handbook, chapter 5. Cheaters use the technique of disparaging remarks to others, as a mode of self-justification. He is essentially saying....."....see....I told you she was incompetent...._I deserve_ to have my affair partner......"....

I think you should not allow him to benefit and profit from your successes if he does not support you in your failures. Kick his deadweight a$$ to the curb, he is far more of a hindrance than a help to you.



sp01 said:


> isn't it safe to say that these are unkind at best and would be hurtful to most people?


Yes, unkind is definitely "safe" to say, and would be very hurtful to me if I were in your place.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Not to be sexist but he sounds like a little girl venting and complaining about every little thing. He’s a child.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is just my own humble opinion, but I think you being upset about childish emails to buddies while he secretly takes care of some other woman’s child is like complaining a tiny paint chip on your car while your house is burning down.

Men don’t babysit small children by themselves under the best of circumstances.

They especially don’t babysit unrelated women’s kids and if they do somehow get stuck watching some woman’s kid, they howl and whine far and wide to anyone that will listen to them b1+ch. 

The only reasons a man would watch an unrelated child in secret are the following - 

- he is having sex with or reasonably hopes to have sex with the mother. 

- the child is biologically his.

- he is a pedophile/child molester. 

There are no other explanations for that. 

The emails may be corroborating evidence that he is a snake in the grass, but otherwise I think the emails are the least of your problems.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I just check these posts to see if I got caught. Actually sounds a lot more like something my wife would say about me. It appears that he is looking for things to complain about. It also appears that you also want some things to complain about. I would just wave the whole event off except for the other hidden woman thing. As TJW pointed out this is just affair justification. Now there is a problem. You need more than a few group emails to fix that one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ve obviously got a much, much bigger problem with his “secret friend” and babysitting her child.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As to the emails, yes he’s being negative about you. Why? Because he’s a jerk. But I’m guessing you already know that. Focus on the “secret friend” because that’s your real problem.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

He needs a solid Kentucky ass whoopin.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> This is just my own humble opinion, but I think you being upset about childish emails to buddies while he secretly takes care of some other woman’s child is like complaining a tiny paint chip on your car while your house is burning down.


This times a thousand. I think OP's complaint priorities are out of order.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay. Here's my take on it. Your husband's emails were less than flattering. However, he's not dragging your name and reputation through the dirt. He strikes me as a whiner, but I'm not picking up that he's as bad as you make him out to be. The thing is, I don't live with the guy, so I can't see the bigger picture.

Frankly, I'm baffled as to why you'd be so upset about his comments in an email when his babysitting for this so-called "friend" should be far more concerning. SERIOUSLY.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

"Eavesdroppers rarely hear anything flattering". So if you don't have a good reason to eavesdrop, don't.

Confidentially venting to friends about your spouse? Not a problem. Blowing off household responsibilities and surreptitiously seeing other women? Problem.

What he says to you or in front of you can also be a problem.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Here's my take on it. Your husband's emails were less than flattering. However, he's not dragging your name and reputation through the dirt. He strikes me as a whiner, but I'm not picking up that he's as bad as you make him out to be. The thing is, I don't live with the guy, so I can't see the bigger picture.
> 
> Frankly, I'm baffled as to why you'd be so upset about his comments in an email when his babysitting for this so-called "friend" should be far more concerning. SERIOUSLY.


He wasn't babysitting for a friend he was watching his own kid.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chaotic said:


> This times a thousand. I think OP's complaint priorities are out of order.


I’m no shrink but I think this is part of some kind of defensive mechanism or denial process. 

She’s having trouble grasping that this guy is hooking up with some chick or possibly even has a child with another woman and so she is deflecting that into these emails. 

Perhaps the emails are even part of some kind of weird ways of starting to get herself to grasp that he is a creep.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> He wasn't babysitting for a friend he was watching his own kid.



That is a very real possibility.

Not only is completely baffling that a guy would babysit some gal’s kid, but what kind of mother would have a grown man baby her child by himself while his wife was out of town? ....unless he was the bio father.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sp01 said:


> I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.
> 1) I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
> 2) At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards _every single night_ (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?
> 
> ...


1. Split your post into paras, a big wall of text is difficult to follow.
2. I would dig deeper about his so called 'friend' which he hid from you! There could be much more going on there. 
3. Sharing your failures with his friends, is so so disrespectful. Is he in the same line of work as you? It could be sour grapes but nonetheless, if he really loved you he would not do this. Hell if he had any respect for you at all he wouldn't bring women to the house when you are gone and hide that fact!
4. He sound like a lazy SOB and once again is very disrespectful. He has little care for you at all. Does he work? For goodness sake you had an exterminator in the house, what is his problem!

5. Are you incessant? I take that to mean 'intense' or always on his case? he is saying you are annoying. Is he lazy? Does he help out around the home? Do you have kids? If he doesn't help then you stop doing things for him. No more laundry, no more cooking, reminding him of his stuff to be done, no more paying his bills, get the idea? I would tell him how you feel about this and then do a hard 180 on him.
6. The fact that he doesn't see that it hurts you, says more about him than you. He is most definitely wrong. As I say, you have told him how it hurts you, now pull away from him. You may want to consider getting rid of him as he doesn't sound like husband material at all.

7. "a big fat no' makes it sound like it was a hard no and somehow reflects on your competence. TBH, he sounds like an absolute ****. Time to give him some of his own medicine and do the 180. Start going out with your own friends. If these people are mutual friends, they are not your friend for allowing him to bad mouth like this.
8. You sound like a driven person, maybe he doesn't like that because he himself is not. Who is the main wage earner in the family? If it is you it could be his way of making himself feel better about not being up to your level in intelligence of earning capability?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

happyhusband0005 said:


> He wasn't babysitting for a friend he was watching his own kid.


Nope. 


sp01 said:


> A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after *he secretly babysat another woman's child*


eta: I was thinking you had misread her post. Now, it looks like you're saying he has a child with the other woman? That's quite a leap.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

IMO, complaining about your spouse to others is disloyal. If you have a problem, take it up with the spouse. It's immature and reflects poorly on the complainer. If it were a legitimate problem, that's a different critter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think its wrong to criticise and complain about your spouse to your friends. However I would be far far far more concerned about his relationship with the OW. Think about it, he has a friendship with a single woman who he has kept secret from you. You knew that someone had been over to the house while you were away, probably her. How did you know?Something is going on here and its not good.
Who told you he baby sat? Him? If so then who do you believe him? Why is he babysitting another womans child? Most women would never leave their child with another man unless she and the child know him VERY well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Nope.
> 
> eta: I was thinking you had misread her post. Now, it looks like you're saying he has a child with the other woman? That's quite a leap.


Men don’t babysit for unrelated children by themselves out of the blue. 

Mothers don’t let unrelated adult men watch their kids by themselves unless some kind of very extenuating circumstance. 

And why else only do it when his wife is out of town and keep it a secret?

Only 3 reasons -

-he and mother are involved sexually.

- the child is biologically his (which still goes back to #1.

- he is some kind of predator/pedophile that orchestrated this himself.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Men don’t babysit for unrelated children by themselves out of the blue.
> 
> Mothers don’t let unrelated adult men watch their kids by themselves unless some kind of very extenuating circumstance.
> 
> ...


I was thinking this exact list!

I don't know of any man that would babysit another generic woman's child.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> And why else only do it when his wife is out of town and keep it a secret?
> 
> Only 3 reasons -
> 
> ...


Okay, I am not a man, but I was thinking more along the lines of a variation on #1: either he is sexually involved with this woman, or he wants very much to be, and babysitting is one of the ways he is winning her over and getting in her pants.

We don't know how old the kid is, or how long he has had this secret friend. I think that information would help either support or deny reason #2.

No matter what, having a secret woman friend who he is close enough to for babysitting is a red flag. Huge red flag.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

^^^^This. And, I have known guys who would pitch in and babysit in an emergency. Of course, I have also known guys who wouldn't even watch their own kids let alone change a diaper.


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## Thisnotthat (Oct 28, 2020)

Your husband sounds like an insufferable douche bag. I honestly can't imagine any of my male friends or family members sending an email to me about something like that. Maybe because it'd never get read by me or 99% of the rest of the male population of the earth. His emails are neutral enough that they could be read a number of different ways, and without knowing him and his sense of humor its really just like a Rorschach test with the way you've presented it here. 

The bigger issue as others have mentioned is why are you focusing on these emails when this guy is doing babysitting for a single mom? That's another thing that 99% of the rest of the married male population of the earth isn't going to do except for the less than stellar reasons already mentioned. Sara, seriously maybe you are OCD or not, who cares... but why are you focusing on these emails instead of the fact that your husband clearly has something going on with a single mom and her kid? 

Forget the words. Look at actions, look at behaviors. 

Good luck, friend.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I suggest marital counseling.I can sense a lot of resentment from both of you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

If I was asked to "babysit", unless the child was my own child, my reply would be "...are you kidding?...".... babysitting my own children was far more than I ever signed up for....there's just no way in hell I am going to spend MY time on somebody else's kid.....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> ^^^^This. And, I have known guys who would pitch in and babysit in an emergency.


Did they wait until their wife was out of town and then kept it a secret? 

If push to shove and it was an emergency, I would watch a good friend or relative’s kid, but I would be recruiting my wife and daughter and anyone else I could find to help me. 

Would I do it for anyone other than a close friend/relative and keep it hush hush from everyone? 

Oh hell no!!!!!


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

sp01 said:


> I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.
> 1) I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
> 2) At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards _every single night_ (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?
> 
> ...


Your H has no respect for you. I get a sense that your H sees you as unknowing or perhaps immature. Concerning the secret friend. Your H appears to be working on an affair.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

TJW said:


> If I was asked to "babysit", unless the child was my own child, my reply would be "...are you kidding?...".... babysitting my own children was far more than I ever signed up for....there's just no way in hell I am going to spend MY time on somebody else's kid.....


But some men may if there was possibly a payoff that does not necessarily mean cash.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> IMO, complaining about your spouse to others is disloyal. If you have a problem, take it up with the spouse. It's immature and reflects poorly on the complainer. If it were a legitimate problem, that's a different critter.


I could go either way here without more context... venting a bit about one's spouse to friends is one thing; actively bad mouthing your spouse is another. The former is maybe not the best way to handle things, but it's understandable... and *every married human being does it*. The latter is unquestionably bad.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I was thinking this exact list!
> 
> I don't know of any man that would babysit another generic woman's child.


Well, I generally agree with you, but there are exceptions. after my kid was born, a good friend of mine got my wife and I a couple's massage as an Xmas gift. We were like "_thanks, but we don't have a babysitter._" He said "_well, it's only an hour, I'll do it._" And babysat our kid for an hour or so. In that narrow context, it was not a big deal.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Did they wait until their wife was out of town and then kept it a secret?
> 
> If push to shove and it was an emergency, I would watch a good friend or relative’s kid, but I would be recruiting my wife and daughter and anyone else I could find to help me.
> 
> ...


? I haven't said he isn't up to no good.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> I could go either way here without more context... venting a bit about one's spouse to friends is one thing; actively bad mouthing your spouse is another. The former is maybe not the best way to handle things, but it's understandable... and *every married human being does it*. The latter is unquestionably bad.
> 
> 
> 
> Well, I generally agree with you, but there are exceptions. after my kid was born, a good friend of mine got my wife and I a couple's massage as an Xmas gift. We were like "_thanks, but we don't have a babysitter._" He said "_well, it's only an hour, I'll do it._" And babysat our kid for an hour or so. In that narrow context, it was not a big deal.


Key words are "your good friend".

For many, acquaintances' infant? Not common at all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> ? I haven't said he isn't up to no good.


I know. I was just adding to what you said.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TomNebraska said:


> I could go either way here without more context... venting a bit about one's spouse to friends is one thing; actively bad mouthing your spouse is another. The former is maybe not the best way to handle things, but it's understandable... and *every married human being does it*. The latter is unquestionably bad.
> 
> 
> 
> Well, I generally agree with you, but there are exceptions. after my kid was born, a good friend of mine got my wife and I a couple's massage as an Xmas gift. We were like "_thanks, but we don't have a babysitter._" He said "_well, it's only an hour, I'll do it._" And babysat our kid for an hour or so. In that narrow context, it was not a big deal.


A good friend to BOTH of you. 

Did he hide it or cover it up? Did he keep it a secret from everyone else?


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## sp01 (Nov 24, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> A good friend to BOTH of you.
> 
> Did he hide it or cover it up? Did he keep it a secret from everyone else?


She wasn't a friend of mine. She was my husband's work colleague. I didn't even know they were friends. He was hiding the friendship from me, and I can only suspect from others but I don't know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sp01 said:


> She wasn't a friend of mine. She was my husband's work colleague. I didn't even know they were friends. He was hiding the friendship from me, and I can only suspect from others but I don't know.


I was replying to another poster.

I know you did not know about her. That is the problem.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

sp01 said:


> She wasn't a friend of mine. She was my husband's work colleague. I didn't even know they were friends. He was hiding the friendship from me, and I can only suspect from others but I don't know.


There is a purpose for you not knowing the coworker is a "friend".


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

sp01 said:


> She wasn't a friend of mine. She was my husband's work colleague. I didn't even know they were friends. He was hiding the friendship from me, and I can only suspect from others but I don't know.


You say he had the kid over because you could tell someone had been over. How do you know she wasn't over at the house? How do you know it was babysitting? Do you have a home security system or something to know that she wasn't there the whole time with the kid or without? 

Could it have been a date?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Girl your husband is cheating on you and you’re worried about some whiny emails?? You better check your priorities. On both counts your husband is a giant ass. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sp01 said:


> I didn't even know they were friends. He was hiding the friendship from me,


The reason he is hiding this "friendship" from you is because she's more than just a "friend." Reality check time. NOW.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Some of this is kind of sexist, some of it is kind of funny, and some is kind of concerning.

It would not have occurred to me if I was asked to watch a kid of any age that I'd need the help and support of a woman. On the other hand, unless your job is being a caretaker, you generally don't often get asked to watch an unrelated kid unless you are very good friends (regardless of gender, really).

Being worried about whiny emails is kind of funny. I know that venting to friends about the frustrations with and failures of a spouse is common enough that I'd probably not give it a ton of thought.

The secret opposite sex friend that they're interacting with while the spouse is out of town is the real concern.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

sp01 said:


> I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.
> 1) I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
> 2) At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards _every single night_ (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?
> 
> ...


hI,
1. NO MAN OR WOMAN , HUSBAND, WIFE, SPOUSE should disclose what is going on in their marriage, ever, it is a betrayal o catastrophic proportions. When you got. the turned down for the grant (sorry*) for him to go to complain about it on line leads me to believe your thought of aa a money funnel rather than equal partners to make it together as a team -marriage death till us part. He was up for using that grant money himself or steal it. OCD over bugs, mites, scabies, beetles. I am an Nursing Home Administrator and any infestation in a health facticity is a citational offense because it is unsanitary and breads disease. IT IS OK TO BE OCD TO RID THEM, AND YOU HAVE TO BE SUPER DILIGENT TO FINISH THEJOB SO THEY ARE GONE AND NEVER COMBACK. PEOPLE LIVE IN HEALTH CENTERS, YOU AND YOUR KIKDS AND SPOUSE LIVE THERE DESERVE TO BE CLEAR OF BUGS,F


sp01 said:


> I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.
> 1) I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
> 2) At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards _every single night_ (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?
> 
> ...


hI,
1. NO MAN OR WOMAN , HUSBAND, WIFE, SPOUSE should disclose what is going on in their marriage ever in that manner, no tell friends or strangers, it is a betrayal o catastrophic proportions. When you got. the turned down for the grant (sorry*) for him to go to complain about it on line leads me to believe your thought of aa a money funnel rather than equal partners to make it together as a team -marriage death till us part. He was up for using that grant money himself or steal it. OCD over bugs, mites, scabies, beetles. I am an Nursing Home Administrator and any infestation in a health facticity is a citational offense because it is unsanitary and breads disease. IT IS OK TO BE OCD TO RID THEM, AND YOU HAVE TO BE SUPER DILIGENT TO FINISH THEJOB SO THEY ARE GONE AND NEVER COMBACK. PEOPLE LIVE IN HEALTH CENTERS, YOU AND YOUR KIKDS AND SPOUSE LIVE THERE DESERVE TO BE CLEAR OF BUGS,F

I SEE RED FLAGS YOUR SPOUSE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND IS FENCE SITTING, DIG DEEPER AND OBSERVE, I AM NOT SAYING PLAN FOR DIVORCE, YOU BOTH HAVE FIXING TO DO. BUT BE AWARE AND YOU BOTH GET YOUR FINANCES IN CHECK. HIM BRAGGING OUT NOT GETTING THE SBC 310 GRANT IS A MAJOR RED FLAG FOR ME- "DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON"

BY EMAILING OTHERS HE IS HOLDING SECRET DISDAIN FOR YOU AND THE LIFE WITH YOU, GET YOUR FINANCES IN ORDER,BUT ALSO GET THINGS IN ORDER FOR HIM OUT OF OVER SO ITS EQUITABLE, BUT WSHTF EXCECT HELL TO BREAK LOSE ABOUT MONEY-STEELING AND THEIVERY; I AM NOT SAYIN DIVORCE, BUT LOOK INTO THE REDFLAGS VERY HARD AND OBSERVE.

good luck


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