# Roommates and ...Lovers?



## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

I let my emotions get the best of me and I did everything wrong. Yesterday I got proof that my husband is having an affair. I confronted him and of course he denied it.

I opened my husbands gmail account and found transcripts and voice recordings of texts and conversations. Among them were clips of him having a conversation with a woman where he says "I have to hurry and get dressed now" and you can hear him pulling on his pants. In another clip he talks to his boss and says he is not going to take the day off after all because his "girlfriend" is busy. You can hear her in the background laughing. He tells her how beautiful she is and calls her "baby" constantly. It goes on and on.

In his gmail account I found photos. Are they there because he emailed them? There are no pictures of women but many naked pictures of himself.

I have suspected something was wrong for the last 18 months. He started acting very mean to me and cold. He wouldn't talk to me and always had a scowl on his face. When I couldn't take it anymore I asked him what was wrong? He wouldn't answer. He made my life miserable. He started coming home 2 or 3 hours late from work. We would argue about it. I told him I would appreciate a text to tell me he would be late so I would not prepare dinner. 

Things would get better then worse again. Last July 4th I told him if things didn't change for the better that we should divorce or get marriage counseling. His reaction to the possibility of divorce was " what will happen to me, I don't have money or a house like you"? His reaction was not " I love you, don't leave me". 

One evening he was very late coming home, I asked him why and he said he waited for a female employee who was working late so he could walk her to her car. I looked at the phone bill and saw that he has been calling and texting her alot. I told him I did not feel comfortable with their relationship. The next day they talk 26 times on the phone. Oh and this woman does not work at my husbands location. She used to but was moved for some reason. He said she comes to his office to use his computer sometimes. This is not the woman in the clips.

During a conversation about my husbands very loose boundaries with women he blurted out that he "always thought of us as roommates and ....lovers". That we are "no great romance", since we don't hold hands naturally. This was like someone threw a glass of cold water in my face. I told him I always thought we were the perfect couple and that everyone envied our relationship. He tried to backtrack and say he didn't mean it but the damage was done.
Last night I asked to see his phone. He agreed then demanded it back after 10 seconds. I asked to see his valentines day texts. He said he didn't have any. I said the phone bill says different. So he erased them.

I have been married to him for 13 years, together for over 20. This has to be the worst feeling in the world. I told him he has to tell me the truth and we have to get counseling or get divorced.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Go ahead and file for divorce. It will make it a reality to him. If he's worried about how to support himself, tell him to find another "roommate" who can wear the pants in the family, since he's not capable. You can stop the process at any point if you think things are salvageable. But honestly, this guy sounds like a lost cause. I sure hope you don't have kids together.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

File!
Divorce is a process, one which can be stopped right until the judge signs the decree.

Make him suffer the consequences of his idiocy.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

If he refuses counseling which I imagine he will, follow through with divorce. If he goes to counseling but never fullly owns what he’s done and fully discloses his actions follow through with divorce. Don’t bluff. If he decides at some point to be completely truthful and completely remorseful then you can stop the divorce process if need be. Remember the best revenge is living well. Start making yourself a priority, find things that make you happy and go do them. Make sure to take care of yourself, Hit the gym, spend time with trusted friends. find joy wherever you can. It could be a long road, be prepared for that.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

He has agreed to counseling but I don't see him admitting to anything. He erased the clips, but it is definitely him and he knows it. I wish I would have saved a copy, he thinks I did.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

If he goes to counseling and won't admit anything, then you have your answer. You don't need to jump through hoops to prove something to him that both of you know to be true. Just tell him that point blank. Move half of your money in to an account he cannot access and file for divorce. If you're so inclined, give him time to fix whatever's wrong with him while the divorce is being processed. My guess is he can't and won't. Step 1 to any successful reconciliation is the wandering spouse to come clean about _everything_. Anything short of that means he's not worth the effort. Who knows how many affairs he's had before this one?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

So you know he's cheating. What good is counselling going to do when he's not going to admit he's in an affair and probably still seeing the OW.

You can't compete with her. You and him get to do all the hard marriage stuff, bills, etc. He and her get to play pretend and reveal in new love and sex.

Stop threatening divorce or such. Next time he backtracks, backs out of something, or comes home late, don't say anything, just file.

If you're serious about repairing this marriage, you have to be strong. If he's serious about stopping acting like a teenager and actually facing his responsibilities then he has to step up and do a lot of heavy lifting and work, but by himself, not through pestering and force by you.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

After deny, deny, deny he has admitted to two different women. Neither were sexual, yeah right. I told him I needed the name and number of the woman he was with where he says he has to hurry and get dressed and he said NOas it wouldn't be fair to HER. I told him to leave and that counseling would be a waste of time.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

He admits to what with two women if not sexual? EA? Obviously you aren’t buying it? You going to file now?


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

Without a doubt.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Protect yourself as much as you can. Did you give away all your sources of evidence?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You're just talking. You know your husband is having an affair. You know he doesn't care about you and has told you pointedly many times and by his actions many times. You aren't accepting reality and talking to say whatever you can because you can't bring yourself to accept the truth and do anything about it. You should have filed for divorce last summer after what he said on the 4th.

This is hard as hell for you, and I know you're hurt and confused. But you have to try to find your self respect and get rid of this man you know does not love you and has been cheating for a long time. Marriage counseling can't erase any of this. You should not be wanting to reconcile. You should be packing his bags and throwing out on the lawn. 

When you throw him out, he will be act all remorseful, beg your forgiveness, make a million promises, and proclaim his undying love. What will you do then? I suggest you don't believe him because none of it will be true. He will continue his affair and just hide it better.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

blackbyrd said:


> After deny, deny, deny he has admitted to two different women. Neither were sexual, yeah right. I told him I needed the name and number of the woman he was with where he says he has to hurry and get dressed and he said NOas it wouldn't be fair to HER. I told him to leave and that counseling would be a waste of time.


I would suggest that you and he both get tested for STD's. I wouldn't believe his two affairs were emotional only, especially, if you heard him pulling up and zipping up his pants in one recording! 

You need a good divorce attorney to advise you on your options and you need to figure out if it is within you to reconcile with him. It would take a lot of commitment on his part to change and be totally transparent to you for you to ever be able to trust him again in any way.

Good luck.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Wow! A betrayed wife who is strong enough out of the gate to do what has to be done. I applaud you. File and start the 180 to help you detach. He is remorseless and still very much the liar. Liar. Cheater. For me this is not husband material.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

blackbyrd said:


> After deny, deny, deny he has admitted to two different women. Neither were sexual, yeah right. I told him I needed the name and number of the woman he was with where he says he has to hurry and get dressed and he said NOas it wouldn't be fair to HER. I told him to leave and that counseling would be a waste of time.


Good for you!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Wow! A betrayed wife who is strong enough out of the gate to do what has to be done. I applaud you. File and start the 180 to help you detach. He is remorseless and still very much the liar. Liar. Cheater. For me this is not husband material.


It's not usually the BWs that we have trouble convincing to take swift actions against their betrayers.

Sigh....


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

What he's giving you is called "trickle truth". First he admits to "talking" with two different women. Then as you press him or show further proof he admits that he kissed them--but just a kiss. Then he admits to having a sexual encounter. But he couldn't perform because he felt so bad when he remembered how much he loved you, etc...

No, the naked truth is that he's had sex with many women over the years. More than just two. When he's ready to admit this, which seems unlikely, it would be a first step towards reconciliation. But he has one hell of a hill to climb. File. There are good men out there who will love you, respect you, and honor you.

Keep a strong front, even if you're not feeling strong inside.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I don't know how "naked" you'd want the truth to be, but you've got to have it. Best advice: File now and don't back off on the 180.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. Trickle Truth is exactly what he is doing. I will file and I understand the 180. Then do I get to punch him in the throat?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

blackbyrd said:


> Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. Trickle Truth is exactly what he is doing. I will file and I understand the 180. Then do I get to punch him in the throat?


 You're awesome. Great attitude, try to keep it just like it is. It will serve you well through this.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

blackbyrd said:


> Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement. Trickle Truth is exactly what he is doing. I will file and I understand the 180. Then do I get to punch him in the throat?


I don't think I've ever taken a liking to someone as fast as I have you on this board.

LOL

(Oh, BTW, you have my permission to do so)


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

3putt said:


> I don't think I've ever taken a liking to someone as fast as I have you on this board.
> 
> LOL
> 
> (Oh, BTW, you have my permission to do so)



Why thank you.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

blackbyrd said:


> Last July 4th I told him if things didn't change for the better that we should divorce or get marriage counseling. His reaction to the possibility of divorce was " what will happen to me, I don't have money or a house like you"? His reaction was not " I love you, don't leave me".


Funny thing about that....I hear that kind of thing a lot. By the time either party is thinking of divorce, the other party is usually halfway out the door anyway.

My own now-ex was the exception. I told her I thought it was time and she said, "neither of us can live without the other person's money". I reminded her that I was the one who earned all the money, so once we separated 50/50, I could probably earn enough more to compensate. And yet, truth be known - the amount she got put her in the top 15% for her age group anyway, so why can't she live on that? But the point is - even though she mentioned money at first, she then said she thought our marriage was fine. I told her what bugged me and she said "it's normal for couples to not spend time together". 3 years of counseling and it seems her belief is that nobody can get along with anybody for long...and people usually get married for money anyway. She was not seeing anybody, nor was I! I held off because I was married, she held off because, it seems, she simply prefers to be alone most of the time. Since the split, she's not developed any friends at all. But that was a weird case.


DD


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blackbyrd said:


> I let my emotions get the best of me and I did everything wrong. Yesterday I got proof that my husband is having an affair. I confronted him and of course he denied it.
> 
> I opened my husbands gmail account and found transcripts and voice recordings of texts and conversations. Among them were clips of him having a conversation with a woman where he says "I have to hurry and get dressed now" and you can hear him pulling on his pants. In another clip he talks to his boss and says he is not going to take the day off after all because his "girlfriend" is busy. You can hear her in the background laughing. He tells her how beautiful she is and calls her "baby" constantly. It goes on and on.
> 
> ...


 @blackbyrd He's mistaken you for an idiot. 

Change his opinion of you. By divorcing him.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

blackbyrd said:


> Then do I get to punch him in the throat?


Get in line behind the rest of us.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

I have never posted on a forum before but this is great. I actually have a big smile on my face as I type this. I think I will get a good nights sleep for a change. Thank you everyone.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound very healthy in mindset. This will serve you well. He does indeed take you for a fool. I would blindside him with the divorce......then you can punch him in the throat.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I know that you don't feel this way now but one day when you get a little stronger you are going to be like -

**** you with this Roommates and ...Lovers ****.

You can do better. You deserve someone who loves you, and wants to be your lover.  It takes two in a relationship, if he felt that way he should have said something. Instead he was content to go find someone else. Honestly he is full of it. He just just selfish and greedy. Again you can do better.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s sad, but it’s true..... I wish I was as strong emotionally as this woman. I’d have saved myself a lot of misery.

What you have, OP, is a serial cheater. He will never stop, and he’s plainly told you there was no “great romance” between you. lol, this idiot must think romance is having slootz that see married men are examples of true love!!!??

Yes, it would be hard not to do better than this guy.

My vote is for speedy divorce, but see an attorney and get good advice before you tell him. I’d put adultery in the papers so it would follow him. Maybe the next lady he meets for roommate purposes will read those papers and look elsewhere.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

blackbyrd said:


> He has agreed to counseling but I don't see him admitting to anything. He erased the clips, but it is definitely him and he knows it. I wish I would have saved a copy, he thinks I did.


So sorry you are here, this is painful. You must sit him down and tell him

1. You want the full truth, if he trickle truths then all bets are off and it's divorce
2. Insist on a lie detector test
3. Go and see a lawyer to know what your rights are with regard to your wealth, looks like he doesn't have any
4. Insist on knowing the names of all the oW
5. Contact their spouses etc and let them know what has been happening, he and they will be busy doing damage control
6. Go to counselling but if he is nor remorseful (sounds like he isnt) then I wouldn't waste my time
Your cheating H needs a hard cold hit of reality, give it to him. Better to get counselling for yourself and dump him.
7. Relyon your close friend/sibling for support through this

Frankly sounds like you would be better off without him, some cheaters are not ever redeemable.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

Well he slept here last night. I printed out all the necessary paperwork for the dissolution of Marriage and left it on the dining room table last night. This morning he told me he loves me and doesn't want a divorce and won't sign divorce papers. I said of course you don't want a divorce you are happy with me being home to greet you with a smile and a hot meal every evening, then during the day you can hook up with your girlfriend.

He says he doesn't know why he did it. That he was being selfish and he thinks he has low self esteem and this woman come on to him and he liked it and went with it. Let me tell you my husband does not have low self esteem. If anything he is a narcissist. He takes great pride in his appearance and accomplishments. He is a very handsome and charming man. You know the song "Never make a pretty woman your wife", well don't marry a pretty man either.

I told him men hit on me quite often and that I just smile and keep walking. A few years ago an old friend called me a few times about a charity that he was organizing and would I be interested in helping. I told my husband about the calls. The next day in a rage my husband told me he called my friend and that I would not be hearing from him again and I never did. 

I told him he needs to start looking for a place to move. He asked when do I want him out. I said ASAP.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

blackbyrd said:


> Well he slept here last night. I printed out all the necessary paperwork for the dissolution of Marriage and left it on the dining room table last night. This morning he told me he loves me and doesn't want a divorce and won't sign divorce papers. I said of course you don't want a divorce you are happy with me being home to greet you with a smile and a hot meal every evening, then during the day you can hook up with your girlfriend.
> 
> He says he doesn't know why he did it. That he was being selfish and he thinks he has low self esteem and this woman come on to him and he liked it and went with it. Let me tell you my husband does not have low self esteem. If anything he is a narcissist. He takes great pride in his appearance and accomplishments. He is a very handsome and charming man. You know the song "Never make a pretty woman your wife", well don't marry a pretty man either.
> 
> ...


I will consult an attorney, I just printed out the paperwork for the effect. 
I think we should each leave the marriage with what we brought into it, him nothing, me everything else.>


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He has been actively involved with multiple other women for a long time. Don’t believe him when he says he loves you. A man that loves you doesn’t do these things. 

You sound like a real prize to me... hard working, thoughtful, reasonable, attractive???

It is hurtful and difficult to go through this. But it’s worth it. Staying with a cheater is far worse than dealing with the unknown.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Staying confident and strong. I like it. Now stay the course. Remember, his words mean nothing. Absolutely NOTHING. In marriage LOVE is verb.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Go ahead and file for divorce. It will make it a reality to him. If he's worried about how to support himself, tell him to find another "roommate" who can wear the pants in the family, since he's not capable. You can stop the process at any point if you think things are salvageable. But honestly, this guy sounds like a lost cause. I sure hope you don't have kids together.


I'm sure this is exactly what he will do. When forced to think about it this is what he did with me. When I was 21 I bought a house next door to my husbands family. He is a few years younger than me and still lived at home, in his mid 20's his parents told him it was time to move out so he moved in with me. That makes me sad just writing that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

blackbyrd said:


> I'm sure this is exactly what he will do. When forced to think about it this is what he did with me. When I was 21 I bought a house next door to my husbands family. He is a few years younger than me and still lived at home, in his mid 20's his parents told him it was time to move out so he moved in with me. That makes me sad just writing that.


You are seeing things in a different light already. 
The switch has been thrown. This guy is now a well deserved toast.
I’ve always hated how a woman throws the sweet tech and that’s it. In this case, it’s a gift you have...

I have no problem seeing a cheating, lazy husband reaping what he has sown.
Give him the worst thing imaginable—- to be alone with himself to depend on, enjoying his “romances” he couldn’t find with a woman who took good care of him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I hate to break it to you, but most men out there are liars and jerks. The way I see this really unfortunate situation is this:

1. you can either divorce and be alone for the rest of your life
2. you can divorce and end up with another lying jerk
3. you can go to marriage counselling and try to fix this

What does your heart tell you to do? Are you able to support yourself potentially by yourself for the rest of your life? Do you have children that you also need to support? Does he have any redeeming qualities? Divorce is costly, and so is living on one's own. Make sure you know what you're getting into before you take a plunge that you may later regret.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

blackbyrd said:


> . I told him he has to tell me the truth and we have to get counseling or get divorced.


I'm sorry you're going through this and the relentless misery and stress that is a part of it. In your final sentence (above), you're starting off with the wrong premise. Your husband has to be the one to figure out how to keep you and ask should be the one to ask you to go to counseling. The only chance for him to really come to terms with what he has done is for him to face a new reality that you are leaving him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're my hero!

I think the Chumplady is perfect for you:

https://www.chumplady.com

Indeed, 'leave a cheater, gain a life.' Enough said.

(Your particular cheater is a leech, in my opinion.)


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> I hate to break it to you, but most men out there are liars and jerks. The way I see this really unfortunate situation is this:
> 
> 1. you can either divorce and be alone for the rest of your life
> 2. you can divorce and end up with another lying jerk
> ...


Ummm, Ursula, I get that you've been having a very hard time on the dating scene. However, you seem to be projecting that experience, and your own bitterness, onto the rest of the population. What you've said isn't in any way an absolute truth. Sure, divorcing is no guarantee of finding happiness in a new relationship with a new man. But it's also not a guarantee of being alone for the rest of your life, or of being miserable in your next relationship because all men are jerks. All men are NOT jerks. The ones you've been dating seem to be. Figure out why that is and how to correct it. As for the rest of the world, plenty of people, including a good number of the posters on this board, have divorced and gone on to have very happy lives. Some with new partners, some as happily dating singles, some as happily not-dating singles. 


OP, I divorced a serial cheater. In my experience, the unknown was and is so much better than staying. I'm not lonely, nor am I miserable with another awful man. I was happily single for a few years until I found a great man with whom I'm very happy. And if we ever go our separate ways, I know that I will have the choice to continue to be happy, whether I have a man in my life or not. Only you, OP, can decide what your best course of action will be regarding your marriage. But make sure you choose your direction based on strength rather than fear of being alone.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> Ummm, Ursula, I get that you've been having a very hard time on the dating scene. However, you seem to be projecting that experience, and your own bitterness, onto the rest of the population. What you've said isn't in any way an absolute truth. Sure, divorcing is no guarantee of finding happiness in a new relationship with a new man. But it's also not a guarantee of being alone for the rest of your life, or of being miserable in your next relationship because all men are jerks. All men are NOT jerks. The ones you've been dating seem to be. Figure out why that is and how to correct it. As for the rest of the world, plenty of people, including a good number of the posters on this board, have divorced and gone on to have very happy lives. Some with new partners, some as happily dating singles, some as happily not-dating singles.
> 
> 
> OP, I divorced a serial cheater. In my experience, the unknown was and is so much better than staying. I'm not lonely, nor am I miserable with another awful man. I was happily single for a few years until I found a great man with whom I'm very happy. And if we ever go our separate ways, I know that I will have the choice to continue to be happy, whether I have a man in my life or not. Only you, OP, can decide what your best course of action will be regarding your marriage. But make sure you choose your direction based on strength rather than fear of being alone.


 @Rowan, I'm very happy that you've found happiness, but in all do respect, I'm telling the OP what I wish someone would've told ME before I asked for a separation then a divorce. I wish that someone would've told me the truth about the type of men who are out there. Instead, one of my closest girlfriends told me the opposite. Had I known what I was in for, I may have chosen to stay and make the best of it, to push for marital counselling. It may not have worked out, but it may have worked out just fine, and we may have been able to have a stable, strong relationship by overcoming our hardships. This is what I regret, and I will inform anyone now thinking of separation/divorce of this because I think it's fair, and people deserve to hear the truth of what they're potentially getting into. 

However yes, the OP needs to do what she feels is best for her. No one can answer that but her, we can just supply her with information and our own thoughts and opinions.


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## blackbyrd (Mar 25, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I hate to break it to you, but most men out there are liars and jerks. The way I see this really unfortunate situation is this:
> 
> 1. you can either divorce and be alone for the rest of your life
> 2. you can divorce and end up with another lying jerk
> ...


It's not news to me that a lot of men are liars and jerks. My father cheated on my mother and she put up with it. She threw him out once but took him back. She had a business to run, three small children to raise and she suffered with bouts of anxiety and depression. My two brothers both cheated, one is on marraige number 3 and the other is paying for his sins monetarily. My husband's mother once told me that her husband paid so much attention to other women it left her always sad and ultimately very bitter.

I realize I could end up alone. I am pretty comfortable in my own skin and never depended on a man to make me feel complete. But then again I have been with him a very long time and maybe I don't realize how much I depend on him for emotional support. Maybe I think I am so strong but it is because I have to him lean on. 

I don't want to get to the end of my life and regret that I valued myself so little that I settled for a man who didn't really love me . I hope the tears don't short circuit my computer. 

As for supporting myself. I have an inheritance that I hoped I wouldn't have to tap into until much later in life. We have no debt. I work part time, so I will have to look for employment. We have no children. 

To end on a good note. My husband has lots of good qualities; normally (not including the last 18 months) he is kind, sweet, caring, smart, takes care of everything outside of the house and the car, we have common interests, he encourages me, our sex life is good, ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

blackbyrd said:


> Well he slept here last night. I printed out all the necessary paperwork for the dissolution of Marriage and left it on the dining room table last night. This morning he told me he loves me and doesn't want a divorce and won't sign divorce papers. I said of course you don't want a divorce you are happy with me being home to greet you with a smile and a hot meal every evening, then during the day you can hook up with your girlfriend.
> 
> He says he doesn't know why he did it. That he was being selfish and he thinks he has low self esteem and this woman come on to him and he liked it and went with it. Let me tell you my husband does not have low self esteem. If anything he is a narcissist. He takes great pride in his appearance and accomplishments. He is a very handsome and charming man. You know the song "Never make a pretty woman your wife", well don't marry a pretty man either.
> 
> ...


His excuses are pure garbage. He did it because he WANTED to. End of.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

blackbyrd said:


> It's not news to me that a lot of men are liars and jerks. My father cheated on my mother and she put up with it. She threw him out once but took him back. She had a business to run, three small children to raise and she suffered with bouts of anxiety and depression. My two brothers both cheated, one is on marraige number 3 and the other is paying for his sins monetarily. My husband's mother once told me that her husband paid so much attention to other women it left her always sad and ultimately very bitter.
> 
> I realize I could end up alone. I am pretty comfortable in my own skin and never depended on a man to make me feel complete. But then again I have been with him a very long time and maybe I don't realize how much I depend on him for emotional support. Maybe I think I am so strong but it is because I have to him lean on.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time of it, and do hope that things start to look up for you. Maybe you guys just need to find yourselves a really good marriage counsellor, and just take it one day at a time from there. Make sure you weigh all options, and also listen to your gut and your heart.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

File today. Maybe he will find himself somewhere in the process. He has to hit rock bottom first and,at the moment, he isn’t even close. Assuming he ever truly comes clean. 

This is going to be hard for you but stick with your plan. It Sounds like you are quite capable of getting through this and being better off when it’s over.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

blackbyrd said:


> I realize I could end up alone. I am pretty comfortable in my own skin and never depended on a man to make me feel complete. But then again I have been with him a very long time and maybe I don't realize how much I depend on him for emotional support.


You sound organically strong to me. You sound like a woman who would rather be on her own than be betrayed like this.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Honey, you're amazing.

Looking down the road, make a list of the things you want in a companion. Make a list of the "dealbreakers". 

It's a long time down the road, but when you are ready what this does is prevent you from wasting time. We tend to fall in with people and muddle along when we should have crossed them off the list on the first day. 

Glib and charming are character traits of narcissists. There's a lot of nasty along with those two venus fly trap features. Playing the victim after having those affairs - nice. 

Carry on, hon. You've really hit it out of the park.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

Ursula said:


> 1. you can either divorce and be alone for the rest of your life
> 2. you can divorce and end up with another lying jerk
> 3. you can go to marriage counselling and try to fix this


1. Unlikely, unless the person in question wants it that way.
2. Always possible, no one says introspection or professional help might not be in order.
3. With a known, unrepentant, narcissistic, opportunistic cheater and leech? Not good advice, IMO.

And, quite tellingly, you left out the most likely option.

4. With some caution and due diligence, she ends up with a caring, faithful, partner.


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