# I can’t bring myself to leave my wife.



## Brian978

I’m a 42 year old male and have been married for 4 years and we have no children together, but I do have a stepson. Anyway she has got caught cheating before, got caught smoking meth before, and claims she can’t stop talking nerve and pain pills because of withdrawals. She has asked for forgiveness for all she has done. I want to forgive her, but deep down I can’t bring myself to be close again because of my distrust of her. We are basically like roommates now and I want to leave but I feel like I will be abandoning her and her son. And what if she can change but I gave up. Also I’m a person who doesn’t like change. Anyone have any advice?


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## Beach123

You have a drug addict who cheats under your roof.
You really need to move ASAP and file for divorce.

If you don’t she will use all your money and more. 

After filing, check in directly with her son.

Since she won’t seek professional help - you have no other healthy option.


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## Trident

You didn't like the answers you got when you posted the identical thread a month ago, all of which told you to leave her?

You think people are going to say "oh don't abandon her she's worth sticking around for, things will be great" simply because it's a month later?


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## 22yearsin

Your only 4 years in. I know it might seem like along time. But this is a road you dont want to go down. But if you're the type of person who likes having his heartbroken, his trust broken, getting checked for std's regularly. Money stolen, constantly lied to. Or maybe you like having the life sucked right out of you. 
I promise you one thing. In 28 Years from now, you wont. 
Cut your loss an move on.


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## So Married

It's hard to "turn your back" on someone so broken and needy, but the truth is, you cannot fix her. You cannot help her either. You are simply enabling her. She will continue to hurt you and everyone else, until she decides to fix/help herself.

I recommend finding a narcotics anonymous group for family members (or even al-anon if that's all that's available).


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## Sfort

Get some individual counseling for yourself. You're letting her problems be your problems. You need to separate the two and decide what to do after you have a clearer mind. You have only two choices: Either accept her as she is or move on. You're so emotionally involved at the moment that you can't possibly make a decision with any confidence.


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## Lostinthought61

Brain it's time to put away your shining armor, and your mighty horse...she is broken and will remain broken until she has either hit bottom or got an epiphany, you staying there with her will only allow her to continue, yes i know she has a son, and while that is tragic there are ways to help him without helping her. She will not even help herself because she has you there, and she is unappreciative and will try to emotionally manipulate you to stay...that is not a relationship that is a parasite feeding on it's host. At 42 you have years ahead of you with someone who is truly loving and caring and would appreciate you, but you are slowing killing your spirit and your life staying.


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## Brian978

I still have an emotional attachment to her even though I want my freedom. She says she hasn’t done meth since last year and she cheated back in 2019, but it has been still on my mind and I can’t fully show her affection because of it. She still buys pain medicine and suboxone and said she takes small doses and can quit. She claims to be a functional addict because she maintains her job as a substance abuse counselor. I know because she thinks this she will probably never quit. I wish I could just turn off my feelings and leave. As far as her son goes, her parents and brother leave near by and have said they would look after him.


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## nekonamida

Brian, I have things in my pantry older than your marriage and they aren't even expired. Your emotional attachment this far in is not nearly enough to outweigh the pain and discomfort that she will continue to cause you if you stay. You don't have to stop loving her to leave. You just have to love yourself more to leave.


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## Rowan

OP, you're a codependent enabler. One with a major case of KISA syndrome.

Yes, your wife has issues. Serious ones that you can't fix. And you can't fix her. But.... Well, no, there is no "but" here. You can't fix her. Really, _you can't fix her_. Seriously: You. Cannot. Fix. Her. 

Work with a therapist to fix yourself, instead. That, you can fix. Just you. Yourself. You can fix _yourself_.


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## jlg07

For you to detach -- start doing the 180 with her:

180 for Betrayed Spouses



Brian978 said:


> . She still buys pain medicine and suboxone and said she takes small doses and can quit. She claims to be a functional addict because she maintains her job as a substance abuse counselor.


Seriously? If she CAN quit -- then TELL her to prove it. Stop taking ALL drugs, PERIOD.
How can she be a substance abuse counselor when she can't even follow the advice she gives her clients?


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## nekonamida

jlg07 said:


> Seriously? If she CAN quit -- then TELL her to prove it. Stop taking ALL drugs, PERIOD.
> How can she be a substance abuse counselor when she can't even follow the advice she gives her clients?


I'd imagine she's about as lax on them about any continued drug use as she is with herself. She better hope no one at her works finds out and reports her.


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## Livvie

She's a substance abuse counselor?

Holy ****.


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## Trident

Livvie said:


> She's a substance abuse counselor?
> 
> Holy ****.


It's like those docudramas on HBO where criminals show you how to secure your house from robbers.

Who knows better about drugs than addicts?


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## Brian978

nekonamida said:


> I'd imagine she's about as lax on them about any continued drug use as she is with herself. She better hope no one at her works finds out and reports her.


I have warned her multiple times about her job. This job was actually bad for her, because she was clean when she started but having contact with other addicts is what lead to the meth use and the cheating, that I know of.


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## Brian978

Yeah it’s like being a crooked cop


Livvie said:


> She's a substance abuse counselor?
> 
> Holy ****.


Yeah it’s like being a hypocrite


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## jlg07

So not only has she NOT stopped ('I can') she'd actually have to leave her job dealing with addicts for any HOPE of her not doing this again. Ugh.


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## Openminded

You can continue to hope that she’ll change but that’s a big gamble — and unlikely. At some point she’ll likely to get caught and there goes her job. Then what?


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## Ursula

Brian978 said:


> I still have an emotional attachment to her even though I want my freedom. She says she hasn’t done meth since last year and she cheated back in 2019, but it has been still on my mind and I can’t fully show her affection because of it. She still buys pain medicine and suboxone and said she takes small doses and can quit. She claims to be a functional addict because she maintains her job as a substance abuse counselor. I know because she thinks this she will probably never quit. I wish I could just turn off my feelings and leave. As far as her son goes, her parents and brother leave near by and have said they would look after him.


Wait. What? She works as a substance abuse counsellor? Good lord. How can an addict counsel other addicts?


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## Al_Bundy

Her son is not your responsibility. You are not turning your back on her or him. She turned her back on him and you when she chose drugs.

You're 42, the bigger question for you as a man is why are you even dealing with a drug addicted single mother? You need to do better for yourself.


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## Brian978

She has noticed me becoming more distant lately because I go the gym or walking a lot. This has caused to be super paranoid and she will say remarks like I might be seeing someone else behind her back. I have never even come close to cheating on her. I only go do those things to get away and to cope with the situation. We really have nothing in common either or have the same morals. My brother told me that we don’t match because she is someone who takes shortcuts in life and I try to do things right.I guess I need to face the facts and get the courage up to move on.


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## Openminded

Fear of the known will keep you in place if you let it. Don’t.


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## Marc878

If you stay in this it’ll be self inflicted pain.


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## jlg07

Brian978 said:


> She has noticed me becoming more distant lately because I go the gym or walking a lot. This has caused to be super paranoid and she will say remarks like I might be seeing someone else behind her back. I have never even come close to cheating on her. I only go do those things to get away and to cope with the situation. We really have nothing in common either or have the same morals. My brother told me that we don’t match because she is someone who takes shortcuts in life and I try to do things right.I guess I need to face the facts and get the courage up to move on.


Just be honest -- you are not cheating -- you are tired of dealing with her BS and her drugs and her lack of self control. SHE is the one damaging the relationship and YOU distancing yourself is just her reaping the repercussions of her actions.


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## Pam

Where does she "buy" the drugs? And I honestly don't understand how being a counselor made her start using (again?); those are stories of ruined lives.

Please think about your future of bankruptcy and trauma, and leave.


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## re16

A drug using cheater for a wife is potentially putting your life at risk with the wrong STD. As time goes on you'll just have to pay her more and more.

The only reason you wouldn't leave this situation is a lack of self-worth and / or self-confidence. Time to man up and protect yourself and future assets. 

Also, be careful... a woman in her shoes who is worried about you walking away might suddenly become pregnant, you might be better to just avoid the bedroom.


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## Luckylucky

I don’t understand, she has a nerve injury and has a medically diagnosed condition? 

Yes it’s difficult when one person is responsible and the other takes shortcuts. A miss-match. In which case you can absolve yourself of any guilt.


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## DudeInProgress

Brian978 said:


> She has noticed me becoming more distant lately because I go the gym or walking a lot. This has caused to be super paranoid and she will say remarks like I might be seeing someone else behind her back. I have never even come close to cheating on her. I only go do those things to get away and to cope with the situation. We really have nothing in common either or have the same morals. My brother told me that we don’t match because she is someone who takes shortcuts in life and I try to do things right.I guess I need to face the facts and get the courage up to move on.


So do you just want to keep talking about your feelings and elaborating on your crappy situation and what a good martyr you are, or are you actually going to DO something to improve your situation?


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## EleGirl

Brian978 said:


> She has noticed me becoming more distant lately because I go the gym or walking a lot. This has caused to be super paranoid and she will say remarks like I might be seeing someone else behind her back. I have never even come close to cheating on her. I only go do those things to get away and to cope with the situation. We really have nothing in common either or have the same morals. My brother told me that we don’t match because she is someone who takes shortcuts in life and I try to do things right.I guess I need to face the facts and get the courage up to move on.


@Brian978 

She's getting the drugs illegally, right? If the drugs are in your home and the police get involved, you could end up prosecuted. Think about that. Do you know where she keeps the drugs?

If you are having a problems leaving her, then you might want to do it in steps. Right now you are spending more time at the gym, walking, etc. So start spending even more time away from her. Do you have a family member or friend you could move in with or at least spend a lot of time at their place as you create more and more distance between her and yourself?

You're in a situation that is often referred to as codependent. The term means that you put her needs ahead of yours. Over time, you trying to hold it all together will destroy you emotionally and the stress could harm you physically. It's very common for a person who is married to an alcoholic or drug addict to become codependent. The only person you can change is yourself, so that's where you need to put your focus. Here's a link to a very good book on the topic of codependency. *Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency Hardcover *by Melody Beattie 

You might also want to consider Al Anon or Nar-Anon Family Groups (nar-anon.org) You can find a chapter near you and/or they are doing online meetings now. These are groups that help people in your type of situation. 

How old is her son?


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## sokillme

Brian978 said:


> I’m a 42 year old male and have been married for 4 years and we have no children together, but I do have a stepson. Anyway she has got caught cheating before, got caught smoking meth before, and claims she can’t stop talking nerve and pain pills because of withdrawals. She has asked for forgiveness for all she has done. I want to forgive her, but deep down I can’t bring myself to be close again because of my distrust of her. We are basically like roommates now and I want to leave but I feel like I will be abandoning her and her son. And what if she can change but I gave up. Also I’m a person who doesn’t like change. Anyone have any advice?


I mean what can we tell you? You know the answer, leave or suffer. Those are your choices and they are gonna be your only choices, message boards or not.


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## Livvie

Brian978 said:


> I’m a 42 year old male and have been married for 4 years and we have no children together, but I do have a stepson. Anyway she has got caught cheating before, got caught smoking meth before, and claims she can’t stop talking nerve and pain pills because of withdrawals. She has asked for forgiveness for all she has done. I want to forgive her, but deep down I can’t bring myself to be close again because of my distrust of her. We are basically like roommates now and I want to leave but I feel like I will be abandoning her and her son. And what if she can change but I gave up. Also I’m a person who doesn’t like change. Anyone have any advice?


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## Beach123

Brian978 said:


> I have warned her multiple times about her job. This job was actually bad for her, because she was clean when she started but having contact with other addicts is what lead to the meth use and the cheating, that I know of.


It is NOT what lead HER to using - she made a conscious choice all on HER own to use meth!

Stop it! She lies and lies like every user! Why would you believe one thing she says? 

No one leads you to use! That is ONLY on HER!
And stop making excuses for her bad behavior! You are as bad as she is because you haven’t laid out any consequences for her - hence, she will keep lying to you and she will cheat again!

She is responsible for her behavior! You are responsible for staying when you shouldn’t have stayed.

Get some professional counseling! You seem to have NO boundary that helps you decide what is best for YOUR interest/future!

You can’t help her! Only she can help herself... but no one can help her when she isn’t honest first!
Be done with her!


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## Beach123

Brian978 said:


> Yeah it’s like being a crooked cop
> 
> Yeah it’s like being a hypocrite


Correction = it IS being a hypocrite! And you love that? You don’t even know who she really is - you know the active drug addict. You don’t know the real version of her. She is altered.

So really, you don’t know her at all.


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## Al_Bundy

Make a plan to get out. Follow the plan and cut off all contact, forever.


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## Cromer

I have a personal "no tolerance" for drugs, and if my wife used them at all it would be a wrap. 

I didn't want to divorce, but finally made the decision in my 50's and thought my world would crash. I was so worried about want would happen to my ex-wife. Today, I realize that it was the best decision and my life hasn't been better. I was hanging on for the kids. I found a new amazing partner and life is great (but different). You are in your early 40's. Please don't define the rest of your life with this mess. It's not your responsibility. You need to look out for yourself, believe me. After years of not doing so, I finally did. Everything else will work out as it should.


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## Diana7

How old is your step son? Does he see you as his dad? Does he see his blood dad at all?


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## Brian978

Diana7 said:


> How old is your step son? Does he see you as his dad? Does he see his blood dad at all?


He’s nine. His biological father has never showed any interest in him since he was an addict also.


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## Brian978

A little update on the situation. She’s be actually starting to keep up her responsibilities again and still denies using meth, but I think she is still relying on the suboxone and pain medication. I either workout or go walking every evening after work to keep my mind occupied. But since I spend time away from home she’s paranoid and always hinting at that I must be talking to someone else, but I assure her that l am not. I try to have conversations with her, but it always ends with her talking about conspiracies like reptilian shapeshifters among us or world war 3 lol. So I shy away fro talking to her too much. We basically are like roommates.


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## LisaDiane

Brian978 said:


> A little update on the situation. She’s be actually starting to keep up her responsibilities again and still denies using meth, but I think she is still relying on the suboxone and pain medication. I either workout or go walking every evening after work to keep my mind occupied. But since I spend time away from home she’s paranoid and always hinting at that I must be talking to someone else, but I assure her that l am not. I try to have conversations with her, but it always ends with her talking about conspiracies like reptilian shapeshifters among us or world war 3 lol. So I shy away fro talking to her too much. We basically are like roommates.


As an aside for you...I'm not sure why she is saying she needs the suboxone AND pain pills together, because they aren't designed to be taken together at all. Suboxone actually blocks all pain pill effects, from actual pain relief to any "high" feeling, so I'm not sure what she's telling you she "needs" suboxone for...except the "high" that it provides on it's own.


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## Openminded

Roommates you are and roommates you’ll remain, unfortunately. Since you can’t bring yourself to leave her, you’ll need to continue to create a life that works for you while still being married to her.


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## LisaDiane

Openminded said:


> Roommates you are and roommates you’ll remain, unfortunately. Since you can’t bring yourself to leave her, you’ll need to continue to create a life that works for you while still being married to her.


EXACTLY.


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## Diana7

Brian978 said:


> He’s nine. His biological father has never showed any interest in him since he was an addict also.


How long have you been his dad? I do feel for the lad. It sounds as if you are the only reliable person in his life.


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## Beach123

Divorce her - and get custody of the child.


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## ABHale

Dude, you have to move on from her. This isn’t healthy and never will be. She needs to be treated for mental health issues. If you care for the boy get custody of him, make him your son.


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## Livvie

Holy ****, she believes in reptilian shape shifters? There's some serious problem going on there. Have you talked to a mental health professional?


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## Trident

In her defense he said she talks about conspiracy theories including reptilian shape shifters. That doesn't necessarily mean she believes in them. 

I occasionally mention God, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fair but they're not something I put any stock in either.


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## Brian978

Trident said:


> In her defense he said she talks about conspiracy theories including reptilian shape shifters. That doesn't necessarily mean she believes in them.
> 
> I occasionally mention God, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fair but they're not something I put any stock in either.


She truly believes in this stuff. Sometimes she will put a line of salt in front of all the entrances of the house to keep them out lol. She even sometimes sleeps with salt in her bed.


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## DownByTheRiver

Brian978 said:


> I’m a 42 year old male and have been married for 4 years and we have no children together, but I do have a stepson. Anyway she has got caught cheating before, got caught smoking meth before, and claims she can’t stop talking nerve and pain pills because of withdrawals. She has asked for forgiveness for all she has done. I want to forgive her, but deep down I can’t bring myself to be close again because of my distrust of her. We are basically like roommates now and I want to leave but I feel like I will be abandoning her and her son. And what if she can change but I gave up. Also I’m a person who doesn’t like change. Anyone have any advice?


I think you need to get as many of the people and family who care about her together and try to get her into rehab. You might even contact an attorney, family attorney, I think, and get his advice on whether you have any say or if she has to commit herself to a facility. If she is involved with her own children that you didn't father, this might be leverage, depending on their ages, to get Child Protective Services involved and they can pressure her to go to rehab. She needs help. I would ask an attorney and if children under aged are involved on her end, I'd talk to CPS, and you might also contact police and see what suggestions they have. Because if they should pick her up for possession or driving while impaired, she would go before a judge and the judge might send her to rehab or AA or something. You need to take action.


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## Luckylucky

How is she managing to keep her job if she’s talking about shapeshifters etc? Surely if she’s not mentally competent her employers have a duty of care?? 

Are these strange beliefs transferring into her friendships and other relationships?

Some crazy-making going on??


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## Brian978

Luckylucky said:


> How is she managing to keep her job if she’s talking about shapeshifters etc? Surely if she’s not mentally competent her employers have a duty of care??
> 
> Are these strange beliefs transferring into her friendships and other relationships?
> 
> Some crazy-making going on??


She acts normal a lot of the time, but has spurts of the crazy behavior. I think she discusses her theories with some people, but I’m the only one who sees the strange behavior.


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## Trident

Brian978 said:


> She even sometimes sleeps with salt in her bed.


Maybe that's leftover from late night popcorn binging?


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## MattMatt

@Brian978 Her bosses need to know about her drug use.


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## Lostinthought61

Honestly Brian what is it going to take for you to leave her? Either you want to play the victim card or you want to take control of what is best for you and your child.


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## Brian978

Lostinthought61 said:


> Honestly Brian what is it going to take for you to leave her? Either you want to play the victim card or you want to take control of what is best for you and your child.


I’ve been taking my time and planning it out. I just wanted to be absolutely sure that I do the right thing.


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## Beach123

Brian978 said:


> I still have an emotional attachment to her even though I want my freedom. She says she hasn’t done meth since last year and she cheated back in 2019, but it has been still on my mind and I can’t fully show her affection because of it. She still buys pain medicine and suboxone and said she takes small doses and can quit. She claims to be a functional addict because she maintains her job as a substance abuse counselor. I know because she thinks this she will probably never quit. I wish I could just turn off my feelings and leave. As far as her son goes, her parents and brother leave near by and have said they would look after him.


Where does she buy her pills?


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## Beach123

I think you need professional help to understand why you would have such a strong alliance to someone who isn’t themselves. She is altered. You may not even know the REAL version of herself! 
And for her to work that position at her job being altered and not one bit sober is truly despicable. 
How can she sit there and claim to be sober (unaltered) while trying to help people get sober. 
She can’t! She’s a farce and a blatant liar.

Being completely sober is a gift! And she’s made a mockery out of pretending to help people! She’s likely hurting them more than helping them! That’s terrible!


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## LisaDiane

Brian978 said:


> I’ve been taking my time and planning it out. I just wanted to be absolutely sure that I do the right thing.


I understand this SO WELL...but unfortunately, this way of thinking is what keeps so many people stuck in unhappy situations for TOO long, HOPING things will change or that the choice will be taken away from them.

GOOD LUCK.


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## Brian978

LisaDiane said:


> I understand this SO WELL...but unfortunately, this way of thinking is what keeps so many people stuck in unhappy situations for TOO long, HOPING things will change or that the choice will be taken away from them.
> 
> GOOD LUCK.


I really wish things would change. Sometimes I feel like what if I didn’t try hard enough to help her. This past year I have grown more distant toward her, but was I wrong to do this. Should I have keep showing her love. I’m not a person who does well with augments and I try to avoid confrontation. I’m the wrong kind of person to be in a relationship with someone with these problems, but I still care about what happens to her. I keep psyching myself up every day trying to get the nerve up to leave but I always back out. In my head I know what I should do but I let my feelings take over.


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## Beach123

Please seek professional help for extreme codependency and healthy ways to express to someone you’re with how you feel.

It’s not healthy to sacrifice your happiness to be with someone for lack of telling them how you feel.

Expressing how you feel shouldn’t necessarily be the same as having an argument.


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## Brian978

Beach123 said:


> Please seek professional help for extreme codependency and healthy ways to express to someone you’re with how you feel.
> 
> It’s not healthy to sacrifice your happiness to be with someone for lack of telling them how you feel.
> 
> Expressing how you feel shouldn’t necessarily be the same as having an argument.


I will read more about codependency, thanks.


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## LisaDiane

Brian978 said:


> I really wish things would change. Sometimes I feel like what if I didn’t try hard enough to help her. This past year I have grown more distant toward her, but was I wrong to do this. Should I have keep showing her love. I’m not a person who does well with augments and I try to avoid confrontation. I’m the wrong kind of person to be in a relationship with someone with these problems, but I still care about what happens to her. I keep psyching myself up every day trying to get the nerve up to leave but I always back out. In my head I know what I should do but I let my feelings take over.


Here is the main way your post sounds so misguided to me -- "Showing her more love" would NOT have given you the outcome you are wanting with her, because your love is NOT what is motivating her actions.

You believing that is like an abused woman believing if she would just be more loving, her husband wouldn't assault her. 
Would you EVER agree with that?? Because THAT is what is happening to YOU emotionally - you are being battered.
And since you are interacting with the Drug User part of her, she is willfully continuing to batter you so she can continue to get what she wants/needs -- to get high, or to get a free pass on getting high, or to deceive you in any number of ways so she can get whatever else she wants.

The thing that you are totally missing in your thought process about what you should do is that YOU CANNOT HELP HER. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES.

Even IF you could force her to change for you, she would resent you for it. This is HER path. It is HER life that she is living. And SHE needs to face the consequences of the choices she makes - good and bad. Just like we ALL do.

It sounds like what you are doing is substituting pity and a sense of parental responsibility for the healthy care and connection that relationship partners need to nurture and feel for eachother. Right now, you do NOT have a healthy, sustainable dynamic.

A healthy marriage MUST have expectations and boundaries. And it's ok for couples to redefine those as needed throughout their relationship, for the benefit of BOTH partners.

But when you start to lower your expectations and redefine your personal boundaries because you are afraid to stand up for your own needs in your relationship, you are setting an unsustainable precedent with her (and yourself) that can only lead to the decay of your marriage. So even if you stay married, you don't truly have a MARRIAGE.

I think what you are doing with her is waiting and hoping that any decision you need to make will be taken from you, because you are struggling with taking a step in any direction - you are paralyzed by uncertainty and a false sense of responsibility for your ADULT PARTNER. She is NOT your child -- she is supposed to be an equal partner to you.

And remember - remaining frozen in place, wishing for a different situation/choice/outcome and postponing choosing a path is STILL you making a choice. And you will have consequences for your inaction...just as you will for any action you take. You aren't avoiding consequences right now, you are just altering them.

Is there any way you could get away from her for a little while? Could you take a week or two and go on a vacation alone, just to get some perspective and time to clear your head?


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## Brian978

LisaDiane said:


> Here is the main way your post sounds so misguided to me -- "Showing her more love" would NOT have given you the outcome you are wanting with her, because your love is NOT what is motivating her actions.
> 
> You believing that is like an abused woman believing if she would just be more loving, her husband wouldn't assault her.
> Would you EVER agree with that?? Because THAT is what is happening to YOU emotionally - you are being battered.
> And since you are interacting with the Drug User part of her, she is willfully continuing to batter you so she can continue to get what she wants/needs -- to get high, or to get a free pass on getting high, or to deceive you in any number of ways so she can get whatever else she wants.
> 
> The thing that you are totally missing in your thought process about what you should do is that YOU CANNOT HELP HER. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES.
> 
> Even IF you could force her to change for you, she would resent you for it. This is HER path. It is HER life that she is living. And SHE needs to face the consequences of the choices she makes - good and bad. Just like we ALL do.
> 
> It sounds like what you are doing is substituting pity and a sense of parental responsibility for the healthy care and connection that relationship partners need to nurture and feel for eachother. Right now, you do NOT have a healthy, sustainable dynamic.
> 
> A healthy marriage MUST have expectations and boundaries. And it's ok for couples to redefine those as needed throughout their relationship, for the benefit of BOTH partners.
> 
> But when you start to lower your expectations and redefine your personal boundaries because you are afraid to stand up for your own needs in your relationship, you are setting an unsustainable precedent with her (and yourself) that can only lead to the decay of your marriage. So even if you stay married, you don't truly have a MARRIAGE.
> 
> I think what you are doing with her is waiting and hoping that any decision you need to make will be taken from you, because you are struggling with taking a step in any direction - you are paralyzed by uncertainty and a false sense of responsibility for your ADULT PARTNER. She is NOT your child -- she is supposed to be an equal partner to you.
> 
> And remember - remaining frozen in place, wishing for a different situation/choice/outcome and postponing choosing a path is STILL you making a choice. And you will have consequences for your inaction...just as you will for any action you take. You aren't avoiding consequences right now, you are just altering them.
> 
> Is there any way you could get away from her for a little while? Could you take a week or two and go on a vacation alone, just to get some perspective and time to clear your head?


You are absolutely right, a few years ago I could have never imaged I would be with someone like her. I’m a guy that has never had any bad habits and has always been into health and fitness. We have very different values and at some point I did lower my expectations. Now it’s finally getting to me and draining me emotionally and financially. I feel sorry for her but I need to overcome those feelings.


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## LisaDiane

Brian978 said:


> You are absolutely right, a few years ago I could have never imaged I would be with someone like her. I’m a guy that has never had any bad habits and has always been into health and fitness. We have very different values and at some point I did lower my expectations. Now it’s finally getting to me and draining me emotionally and financially. I feel sorry for her but I need to overcome those feelings.


It might help you to act in spite of those feelings if you recognize what they actually represent -- you feel attached to the woman you THOUGHT she was...but that person doesn't really exist - you are attached to an illusion.

And I believe that you are struggling with what to do because you continue to hope and watch for signs that she is going to change back into the woman you want her to be...but she won't - she CAN'T.

And by lowering your expectations, like you have in order to accept her behavior, you are becoming a shadow of your TRUE self. You are changing YOURSELF, while waiting and hoping for HER to change. And that is so unhealthy for both of you, and for your marriage. Everything you have isn't what you believe it is - it's a MASK.

Marriages are satisfying and beneficial to the people in them when they bring out the BEST of both people...I don't think that's what's happening in your marriage - I think it's actually bringing out the worst of you both, and it's really NOT sustainable. Your marriage WILL end at some point. Right now, YOU have the control over HOW...but if you keep waiting, that control could be taken from you as things become uglier and more disconnected between you both.

Is there any way for you to take smaller steps towards separating, to try and make it easier? 

And I know you are worried about her son, but there ARE ways you can still be there for him! 

Your first step should be to call a lawyer to get some advice and guidance about the best way for you to proceed...and call two or three, just to make sure you are getting a good idea of what you should do (because they are NOT all equal).


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## Brian978

Update, I finally left last night. I finally have all the proof I need. One of her friends that grew up near me started feeling bad about what was going on. She told me things my wife has been up too behind my back. She even forwarded some of her messages to me. She is still getting meth and sneaking out of the house at night with other guys while I’m asleep at night.


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## MattMatt

Brian978 said:


> Update, I finally left last night. I finally have all the proof I need. One of her friends that grew up near me started feeling bad about what was going on. She told me things my wife has been up too behind my back. She even forwarded some of her messages to me. She is still getting meth and sneaking out of the house at night with other guys while I’m asleep at night.


God bless her friend, @Brian, for coming through for you.

There are resources for people who have drug users in their families. I hope these will be of help:-






Support Groups for Families and Loved Ones of Drug Addicts and Alcoholics


There are many support systems available for family members who have been affected by substance use, including Al-Anon, Alateen and Nar-Anon.




www.therecoveryvillage.com












Support Groups for Families of Drug Addicts Near Me - Project Know


Drug addiction affects the entire family, from parents to children, brothers to sisters, and sometimes even close friends. While substance abuse affects each family differently, there are many common adversities among families facing drug addiction, including financial difficulties, legal...




www.projectknow.com












Why are Support Groups for Families of Drug Addicts Important?


Learn about the ways that addiction can impact the whole family and how our addictions recovery center can help. The drug crisis in the US today is highly troubling. In 2014, 8.5% of the US population was suffering from a substance abuse disorder. Less than half of those received treatment...




recoverycentersofamerica.com


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## manowar

Brian

You made every mistake in the book. You have to understand something. Your wife doesn't think like you. Morals, decency, family, virtue have no meaning to her. She is clearly LSE. Low Self Esteem. You have no idea what you are dealing with.

I can't lay it all out for you. Please download this book. *Practical Female Psychology for the Practical man* by Joesph south. This book will spell it out for you. Basically, you saw all these red flags coming in but somehow your love was going to remake this you know what. Guys like you are called White knights and captain save-a-hos. Psychologically she doesn't believe she deserves a guy like you and will begin to sabotage the relationship because she is wired for dysfunctional and abusive relationships.

You failed to Qualify this woman and impressed your beliefs onto her. The end game is for you to be completely destroyed unless you grow some fking balls. In her mind, she can't understand why you're hanging around. You have nothing to work with here. Please tell me, where do guys like you come from? How many women have you dated? Dated. Not sex. You are also a blue pill beta. I highly suggest you start viewing youtube content put out by guys like rich cooper and coach red pill.

this material will help you deal with your *current problem* and future relationships. this problem must be excised from your life. You have to play hardball. Start by throwing her the fk out. Im assuming its your house. Get rid of her!


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## Torninhalf

manowar said:


> Brian
> 
> You made every mistake in the book. You have to understand something. Your wife doesn't think like you. Morals, decency, family, virtue have no meaning to her. She is clearly LSE. Low Self Esteem. You have no idea what you are dealing with.
> 
> I can't lay it all out for you. Please download this book. *Practical Female Psychology for the Practical man* by Joesph south. This book will spell it out for you. Basically, you saw all these red flags coming in but somehow your love was going to remake this you know what. Guys like you are called White knights and captain save-a-hos. Psychologically she doesn't believe she deserves a guy like you and will begin to sabotage the relationship because she is wired for dysfunctional and abusive relationships.
> 
> You failed to Qualify this woman and impressed your beliefs onto her. The end game is for you to be completely destroyed unless you grow some fking balls. In her mind, she can't understand why you're hanging around. You have nothing to work with here. Please tell me, where do guys like you come from? How many women have you dated? Dated. Not sex. You are also a blue pill beta. I highly suggest you start viewing youtube content put out by guys like rich cooper and coach red pill.
> 
> this material will help you deal with your *current problem* and future relationships. this problem must be excised from your life. You have to play hardball. Start by throwing her the fk out. Im assuming its your house. Get rid of her!


Relax. No need to kick him when he is down. He left.


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## Marc878

Good job in making the decision you needed to make for yourself


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## Brian978

manowar said:


> Brian
> 
> You made every mistake in the book. You have to understand something. Your wife doesn't think like you. Morals, decency, family, virtue have no meaning to her. She is clearly LSE. Low Self Esteem. You have no idea what you are dealing with.
> 
> I can't lay it all out for you. Please download this book. *Practical Female Psychology for the Practical man* by Joesph south. This book will spell it out for you. Basically, you saw all these red flags coming in but somehow your love was going to remake this you know what. Guys like you are called White knights and captain save-a-hos. Psychologically she doesn't believe she deserves a guy like you and will begin to sabotage the relationship because she is wired for dysfunctional and abusive relationships.
> 
> You failed to Qualify this woman and impressed your beliefs onto her. The end game is for you to be completely destroyed unless you grow some fking balls. In her mind, she can't understand why you're hanging around. You have nothing to work with here. Please tell me, where do guys like you come from? How many women have you dated? Dated. Not sex. You are also a blue pill beta. I highly suggest you start viewing youtube content put out by guys like rich cooper and coach red pill.
> 
> this material will help you deal with your *current problem* and future relationships. this problem must be excised from your life. You have to play hardball. Start by throwing her the fk out. Im assuming its your house. Get rid of her!


I left last night after some really convincing evidence. We rented and we have nothing in our name together. All the utilities are in my name but she said she will get her own accounts soon. But you do have a point, I need to stop this from happening again.


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## MattMatt

Brian978 said:


> I left last night after some really convincing evidence. We rented and we have nothing in our name together. All the utilities are in my name but she said she will get her own accounts soon. But you do have a point, I need to stop this from happening again.


See a lawyer and check on how you can do a modern, legal version of this old idea:-

"I, Mr Brian978 do state that after _insert date_ I will not be responsible for any debts incurred by Mrs Brian978."

Also, you need to cancel the accounts ASAP.


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## manowar

Brian978 said:


> We rented and we have nothing in our name together



that's great. you're fortunate. You can get out of this easily. Work on yourself. Focus on the gym and getting your new (free) life established. Don't date for at least six months, a year is better as you work through some of those materials for starters. this will give you time to rewire your brain concerning relationships. You'll learn to focus on HSE - high self esteem women and the qualifying process. When you do, you'll find the type of woman you are looking for and deserve. 

I read both of your threads. You seem like a decent guy who was just really confused due to applying reason to emotion and chaos Can't be done. Putting your story on here was worth it. 
After you have those small administrative details worked out, the smart move is to go_ invisible_. Change your telephone number even so you don't receive texts. Nothing. Total disappearance. Any contact is through your lawyer. your divorce should be a piece of cake. I'm pulling for you!!


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## Brian978

manowar said:


> that's great. you're fortunate. You can get out of this easily. Work on yourself. Focus on the gym and getting your new (free) life established. Don't date for at least six months, a year is better as you work through some of those materials for starters. this will give you time to rewire your brain concerning relationships. You'll learn to focus on HSE - high self esteem women and the qualifying process. When you do, you'll find the type of woman you are looking for and deserve.
> 
> I read both of your threads. You seem like a decent guy who was just really confused due to applying reason to emotion and chaos Can't be done. Putting your story on here was worth it.
> After you have those small administrative details worked out, the smart move is to go_ invisible_. Change your telephone number even so you don't receive texts. Nothing. Total disappearance. Any contact is through your lawyer. your divorce should be a piece of cake. I'm pulling for you!!
> [/


thanks, hopefully the divorce process will go smooth.


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## Taxman

Be wary. Your writings indicate a much deeper psychological problem. She sounds like she is either on the spectrum or the meth has altered her thought processes. In any event please confide everything to your lawyer and two close friends. Make sure that going forward you are not alone until this is completely resolved. I do NOT trust addicts.


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## Beach123

Brian978 said:


> I left last night after some really convincing evidence. We rented and we have nothing in our name together. All the utilities are in my name but she said she will get her own accounts soon. But you do have a point, I need to stop this from happening again.


Have the utilities turned off. She can turn them on in her name.
If you leave your name on them she will run up the bills and never pay - affecting your credit.

End everything that connects you to her.


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## Evinrude58

I just can’t figure out how a woman can leave at night while you’re asleep and do other dudes and return without you waking up.
Are you like narcoleptic or something?
Bravo on leaving.


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## MattMatt

Evinrude58 said:


> I just can’t figure out how a woman can leave at night while you’re asleep and do other dudes and return without you waking up.
> Are you like narcoleptic or something?
> Bravo on leaving.


Do you remember the man who found out his wife was drugging his evening cocoa and having sex with her lover in the house?


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## Brian978

Evinrude58 said:


> I just can’t figure out how a woman can leave at night while you’re asleep and do other dudes and return without you waking up.
> Are you like narcoleptic or something?
> Bravo on leaving.


We haven’t slept in the same room in a little over a year. And I slept with a fan to drown out all the noise from her staying up late.


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## Evinrude58

Brian978 said:


> We haven’t slept in the same room in a little over a year. And I slept with a fan to drown out all the noise from her staying up late.


That makes sense. What doesn’t is why you’d stay so long under these circumstances. Are you longing to go back?


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## Brian978

Evinrude58 said:


> That makes sense. What doesn’t is why you’d stay so long under these circumstances. Are you longing to go back?


No, I can’t go back now after seeing her messages. It does make me sad that we didn’t workout and I still worry about how they will be without me. But I can’t give more chances to someone that lies as much as she does. She has done about everything she can do bad and the root cause is drugs. She loves them more than anything.


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## Evinrude58

Brian978 said:


> No, I can’t go back now after seeing her messages. It does make me sad that we didn’t workout and I still worry about how they will be without me. But I can’t give more chances to someone that lies as much as she does. She has done about everything she can do bad and the root cause is drugs. She loves them more than anything.


No, the root cause is HER. She chose drugs. She chose other men. She chose all these things. Don’t blame shift what she did to “the drugs”..... it just mitigates all the evil she has done in your mind and weakens your resolve.
The root cause is your wife’s low character, and in your case—— no feelings for you.

I’ll be more concise: Your wife is a terrible person and you can’t admit it to yourself. Go ahead. It’s ok to admit a lousy person is a lousy person. And it’s ok to let them go.


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## manowar

Stay on your new path. You need to remain strong for you. You come first. Never put a woman first in your life again. Go invisible to rebuild and come out strong. Use this time to reeducate yourself. Learn the truth about female nature and relationships. And remember your real wife is out there somewhere. All you have to do is find her. The life you want is in front of you not behind you. If you ever feel yourself slipping, just remember how shabbily she treated you. Worse than an old coat. She's not a wife. Wives don't act like that. Just look at it as a mistake; a learning experience that will fade over time.


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## Brian978

manowar said:


> Stay on your new path. You need to remain strong for you. You come first. Never put a woman first in your life again. Go invisible to rebuild and come out strong. Use this time to reeducate yourself. Learn the truth about female nature and relationships. And remember your real wife is out there somewhere. All you have to do is find her. The life you want is in front of you not behind you. If you ever feel yourself slipping, just remember how shabbily she treated you. Worse than an old coat. She's not a wife. Wives don't act like that. Just look at it as a mistake; a learning experience that will fade over time.


Now I’m hoping the divorce process goes fast so I can move on from this bad experience. I’ve been married to her for 4 years and only about a year and a half were good. I was raised on a farm without any drama and I just never realized how bad people could be. I was too trusting. I will have to learn from this


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## Kaliber

Hi Brian,
You left!
Good for you!
Search YouTube for this clip: 

*Rich Cooper Clips - Avoid WOMEN With These RED FLAGS !*
and:* 
Rich Cooper Clips -  NEVER Ignore These RED FLAGS in Women!*

Should be the first result..
Watch it, he is like talking about you exact case!


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## Diana7

Just wanted to ask, do you think the child is going to be safe with her? Does he have grandparents or aunt's and uncles who watch out for him?


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## Brian978

Diana7 said:


> Just wanted to ask, do you think the child is going to be safe with her? Does he have grandparents or aunt's and uncles who watch out for him?


Her mom and dad live 5 minutes down the road from her and her mom told me that stops by there every day to check on them. Also her brother and sister-in-law live close by also and said they would check on them also.


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## Diana7

Brian978 said:


> Her mom and dad live 5 minutes down the road from her and her mom told me that stops by there every day to check on them. Also her brother and sister-in-law live close by also and said they would check on them also.


That's good, it seems it's not a good home for him.


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## Brian978

Diana7 said:


> That's good, it seems it's not a good home for him.


She is actually a good mom and loves her son very much, but she will have to cleanup and be more responsible now that she has to do it on her own.


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## Brian978

She signed the divorce papers today so now they have to be filed and a judge will make them final in 60 days if all goes good.


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## Evinrude58

Bravo. Smartest thing you’ve done in a while, I’ll bet!


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## manowar

Nice Job. Have you begun your re-education? It's the only way.


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## Brian978

manowar said:


> Nice Job. Have you begun your re-education? It's the only way.


Yes. I’m going to try to stay out of a relationship for a long while now.


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