# Still not over it



## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

A year ago, I caught my live in boyfriend of 3 years cheating, at the time, our relationship was in excellent shape. Prior to finding out he cheated communication and sex was great. We seemed to always enjoy eachothers company and we both gave eachother space socialize outside of our relationship. One would think our relationship was as close to perfect as it could get, so why cheat? He was home every night and continued to treat me well, attentive, loving, and we always had the best time together. I always trusted him, he is in the military and is deployed for long periods at a time but even when he's away from home I never found a reason to suspect he was capable of cheating. One night he was taking a shower and got a text message from another woman, the message was "I miss you". I immediately knew he was cheating but he denied it right away. Later that night I cracked his email and found messages confirming my suspicions. I confronted him again and he admitted the truth. 

Needless to say I was devasted and confused because I can honestly say that we were "happy". Before this we NEVER had a single disagreement. I asked him why, and if there was something lacking at home, he said no. He told me his cheating had nothing to do with what I did or didn't do. He said he couldn't explain why he did it except to say he was just being selfish. 

I chose to stay with him with the hope that we could rebuild the trust that was lost. He has lived a transparent life since and appears to being doing everything he can to regain my trust, but I just can't move past the cheating. I've been down this road before and never has it had the impact that his cheating has had on me. 

So now it's a year later and I'm not the same woman I was. He constantly tells me that I don't love him like I used to. A week ago, he broke down sobbing, saying again how sorry he was hurting me and our relationship and he just wants me to love him like I did. I do love him but it's different. I still have flash backs and I still feel as hurt today as I did one year ago. We were planning on marrying and now marriage isn't something I look forward to. His cheating has changed me and I don't like the person I've become. I'm constantly trying to catch him again, spying on him and I hate it. I know I need to speak to someone professionally and I plan to do so. I guess I just needed to vent to you all today. 

I've talked to others who have experienced the same and they say it gets better, it just takes time. I've given it a year and I still can't move past, how much time does it take? 

I'm almost 40 and the thought of dating again exhausts me. Here I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life, in what I thought was best relationship I've ever had, but still I get hurt. I honestly don't think I'm capable of trusting any man after this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild after being betrayed. If you’ve read some of my posts here you’ll know I detest cheating in any relationship but I also understand people make mistakes and can make atonements. While my wife never physically cheated on me she did get involved in an emotional affair and fell in love with him. I found out about it last spring and it hurt like heck. Their relationship finally ended a few months ago and we are trying to recover. I too can feel like a snoop at times and I hate it but my trust is growing. There’s an old saying from the 80’s. Trust but verify. Your sense of betrayal is natural. Any time we are hurt we lose trust and we try to protect ourselves from being hurt again. If you can feel in your heart that he is being truthful with you, move forward in the relationship with professional help. He will have to understand that he can never stray again. Zero tolerance and all. You will have to get over the trust issues to make you both happy in the relationship. Relationships can recover from a betrayal but it takes work and time. I don’t think a year is an unusual amount of time for someone to still sting from being hurt in such a way. If before the incident, you were the happiest you’ve ever been in your life then giving this more time could be the wisest choice. Good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

True Blue ~ When you get over it will depend on you. He hurt you and you are afraid of being hurt which is very natural. The level of being hurt will be different for each person and even each situation.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/389-infidelity-repair-thesis.html

draconis


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

You are going to need some professional help. It is sometimes easy to build trust but once broken, it is hard to rebuild, especially if you have had broken relationships while growing up, not necessarily with a boyfriend, but also with family members.


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

All~ 

Thanks for your input, your words are comforting. 

Amplexor~

"Trust but verify"....I've never heard 3 words that spoke so loudly to me. Being a snoop made me feel like I was contradicting my goal of rebuilding the trust. I admit that I snoop less than I first did and there are days when I don't snoop at all so I guess I am making progress. But I will find a therapist to help me through it after all I can't drown my pain in Reisling forever.


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## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

Here is another saying for you "Wrong me once shame on you...Wrong me twice shame on me" What does it mean? Quite simply that when your trust has been broken it is hard to give it again because our natural instincs is to protect ourselves.

I think trust can be rebuilt but I also do not think it can ever be as good as it was before it was broken. I guess you have to decide for yourself what level of trust you need in a relationship to feel good about it and yourself.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I was cheated on by my now wife back when we were first dating. It was a back and forth situation with her ex whom she left for me. That half justified it enough for me to be able to move forward again with her, I guess. After two and a half almost three years, a marriage and a beautiful baby later, I'm still not completely over it. I know I should for the health of our relationship but I honestly don't think I ever will. 
The trick now I've found is to pretend I'm cooler than I really am to spare over punishing her for her past indiscretion.
It's hard to fight the insecure feeling and thoughts that will haunt you for I guess the rest of your life when you go through something like that.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

carmaenforcer ~ Some people have a harder time then others getting over such things. For me I don't think I ever could, which wouldn't be fair either so thus part of the reason I couldn't stay with someone that cheated. Nor could I live past such guilt I would feel if I did cheat. I guess to some level an amount of time would make anything seem moot but I guess it is all in the getting there.

draconis


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## Swan (Aug 13, 2007)

I am in a similar situation to True Blue. I learnt my husband of 29years cheated on me a yr & 3 mths ago with another woman old enough to be his daughter. As if what he did wasn't bad enough, it was really hurtful that she was so much younger. I couldn't believe I could actually bring myself to hate him after what he did but I did. The grief was something I had never experienced with anyone before, not even members of my family that has died. I was very much alone with my grief. I don't think I can ever forgive him because I gave up so much for this man and it made me feel so studpid and angry that I didn't listen to my heart. I find it difficult to understand how can someone claims he loves you very much and didn't do enough to stop himself from making the wrong choicesps. How pathetic is it to hear him say 'I didn't plan it, it just happened". Yes, I'm still in pain, for how long I'm not sure. We're still together and have been receiving counselling eversince because I'm trying to find answers whereas he'd rather bury what's happened. I don't know if I still love him or in love with him but I know I don't feel the same about him like before. Issues were beginning to develop in our relationship 2 yrs before the affair. I removed my wedding ring the day I found out because when he put that ring on my finger, he made a sacred vow to me in the eyes of God. Since he broke his vows, there's no significance in my wearing my ring anymore. There have been many occasions we both felt it may be best to go our separate ways. But for the moment, I'm still searching for answers which he has not given me. How can anyone get over something as serious as this?

Swan


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

Well we had our first therapy session yesterday and when we left I felt drained. I almost felt bad for him because our therapist didn't hold back any punches regarding his affair and validating my feelings. She told me that I did nothing to provoke his actions. She told him through his actions he not only broke the trust in our relationship but he also took away my power to choose. She also got into his background and the influences he had growing up. I had a couple of AH HA moments during our session. 

She suggested a book, After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. We picked the book up last night and we'll begin reading it together this weekend. I read the first chapter last night on my own it and all I could do was nod my head in agreement as I read each word. 

The road to recovery is long but I feel good about our future.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Tru Blue	

I’m glad things went well. Yes it will be a long road. You are working with a professional now so I’ll just wish both of you the best of luck. Bless.


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

We had a huge argument last night. The evening started out lovely, we had dinner and was enjoying some T.V. until he started to tell me about a woman who works at his part time job. He begins to tell me that this woman, who is single with 2 kids asked him if he had any friends she could hook up with. Now at first I thought nothing of it but then he continues to tell me how on previous occasions they've talked about various subjects and that he told her about me, how we met, etc. 

My first question to him was has if this woman inquired about his relationship status because she was interested in him and he said possibly but since he told her he was available she asked if he had any friends for her. He told her yes and was looking to "hook her up"

Now my issue with this is....here we are currently in therapy trying to repair the damage he did to our relationship when he cheated and I don't feel it's appropriate for him to place himself in this type of position. This woman is obviously on the prowl made a pass at him, I think he should distance himself from a person who has already expressed an intrest him instead of trying to create love connections for the needy.

Am I wrong?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

True Blue said:


> We had a huge argument last night. The evening started out lovely, we had dinner and was enjoying some T.V. until he started to tell me about a woman who works at his part time job. He begins to tell me that this woman, who is single with 2 kids asked him if he had any friends she could hook up with. Now at first I thought nothing of it but then he continues to tell me how on previous occasions they've talked about various subjects and that he told her about me, how we met, etc.
> 
> My first question to him was has if this woman inquired about his relationship status because she was interested in him and he said possibly but since he told her he was available she asked if he had any friends for her. He told her yes and was looking to "hook her up"
> 
> ...


This is a woman he has to work with, so he is going to be in several situations he can't completely control. In itself I don't think he is doing anything wrong. However, considering the background I think he should consider your feelings first. 

In the end do I think you are over reacting yes. Do I think he should respect you more at this fragile time, yes.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I read this on another site:

work colleagues and boundaries of such relationships-
1) that you don't pursue or accept suggestions of separate time together in inappropriate settings, 
2) that you guard against personal discussions that push a friendship to a level you can't handle, 
3)and that you commit to never keeping interactions with others secret from your partner.

Sounds like you are struggling with 2). Working in an office environment for many years, I have been part of many such conversations myself but since my husband's EA I would have the same issue you are having. I think due to the circumstances, neither of you are 'wrong' here...you just need to compromise on a level of office chit-chat you are both comfortable with...ie when talking to women you might find attractive, keep relationship issues off the table, etc.


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

Swedish I totally agree. 

We discussed this issue in our therapy session last week and the therapist said the exact same thing. Before our session he really didn't see the harm in having that type of disscusion at work. The therapist basically told him that since I expressed how uncomfortable I was, it was his responsibility to re-assure me by guarding against that type of discussion. He felt that by telling me about it he wasn't keeping any secrets and I appreciate him being honest with me. He's agreed that he should keep conversations with other women at work strictly professional. That's not to say he can't have casual conversation about a show he saw on tv, etc. But he now realizes that conversations regarding someone's love life is totally off limits.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

True Blue,

I think the hardest part for me is that my husband has also been very open about work discussions, etc. and has really made a tremendous effort in rebuilding my trust, so part of me is reluctant to tell him when things bother me because I don't want him to stop telling me things, but I also don't want to feel any more hurt than I already have. So far, he's been really understanding but sometimes I wonder if he'll tire of it and stop telling me things just to avoid these stressful conversations.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

swedish said:


> True Blue,
> 
> I think the hardest part for me is that my husband has also been very open about work discussions, etc. and has really made a tremendous effort in rebuilding my trust, so part of me is reluctant to tell him when things bother me because I don't want him to stop telling me things, but I also don't want to feel any more hurt than I already have. So far, he's been really understanding but sometimes I wonder if he'll tire of it and stop telling me things just to avoid these stressful conversations.


Communication is so important, please tell him that you thank him for being honest but x still rubs you the wrong way. He can't fix a problem he doesn't know about.

draconis


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

Swedish~ 

I worried about him shutting down too. He really thought he was just sharing his day with me so when I went off about the convervsation he felt he should have kept it to himself. After we discussed it in out therapy session a lot of good points were raised and I think he will continue to be open with me. I know he's reluctant but I think he's starting to understand that the only way to rebuild the trust is the remain honest and open. However, I also have to learn to control my reactions and not "blow up" at him when ever he shares something with me. It's hard for me because I've been attack mode since the affair, but I'm learing to control my emotions. He thought by keeping things from me he was protecting my feelings. I think he understands that in order to move past this everything has to continue to be open with me. 

Swedish to piggy back off what Draconis said, continue to tell him when something is troubling you and try to convey your feelings as calmly as you possibly can.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Draconis & True Blue, thanks. I do tell him I appreciate how honest he's been with me and that I know it's hard for him. I don't even know how to be in attack mode...I just withdraw and have trouble speaking at all when I'm upset. This is something I will always struggle with and need to work on. He is also very quiet, so we understand each other but it's also been horrible as far as the importance of communication in a marriage goes. It's not natural for him to tell me about his day, but he has been working at that also. I don't know that there's anything he can fix. As a couple, we have become more close than either of us has ever been with anyone and are having fun together. If I bring up the subject of OW...if she has talked to him at work, etc. it's usually yes she came in my office and asked if she could have a diet coke..etc. He is very short with her and is annoyed when she talks to him at all (I think because he knows he will eventually talk to me and may upset me etc) so I don't really expect him to do anything different...just hoping one of them will leave the company at some point so I don't have to think about it anymore.


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