# Wife hasnt been able to find feelings for me for several years now...



## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

Over two and a half years ago my wife informed me she was not “in love” with me any more. Then, two years ago she said she wanted a Divorce. 

I begged her not to go and asked what the problem was so we could work on it. It’s the typical complaint I read about on this forum where a man doesn’t give enough attention to his wife or vice-versa. 

My wife and I have been together for 15 years and I don’t want to throw this away. I admit that she often told me that if I didn’t pay more attention to her we would end up divorced, but when I heard the message I didn’t stay focused on her for ever. Within a few weeks my focus drifted, I always had something else to do, a project, or work, or something.

For two years I have been doing everything right and doing exactly what she has been asking for but she still isn’t sure that its enough and she says that I have fifteen years worth of ignoring her to make up for. She said she realizes that I have been great and I have been giving her everything and doing everything right lately, but she fears eventually it will stop and I will be ignoring her again and that she just can’t give in to that. 

She is essentially mad that when she finally decided she wanted out of the marriage that I seemingly decided to give her what she wanted. We have fights all the time lately. She is rude and short in conversation. She is always tuned-out to what is going on around her.

She says she would be happier alone than trying to make things work with me. I get that same Ugh or Sigh, everytime I ask a question, before she replies - makes me feel like it is a burden to interact with me or like she doesn’t care. I leave cards, notes, send flowers, etc. and yet she doesn't initiate conversation, affection or touch anymore.

She claims that a broken heart is not repairable even though I am doing everything right and giving her the love, affection, and attention she needs. Every answer to every question these days is “I don’t know” “I don’t care” or “I guess” – always seems negative. She lets me touch her sometimes, but she acts like a zobmie or as if she is dead when I give any attention or affection. Usually she just doesn’t respond to any touch. She continues to put her hands in her back pockets when I try to hug her.

No matter how hard we would try or how good things are going she would say things like it 'is still not enough" or "it may never be enough" or "how will I ever know if it will be enough." I feel like she will not draw the line in the sand and put forth the effort like it's a new day and a new beginning and work on issues. Everything for her is focused on the past and not putting it behind us. I try to talk to her and tell her we can make all of these things better but that it takes two of us to put forth 100% effort at the same time.

At home it has gotten to the point now that she no longer wants to have conversations about the issues – she usually says she doesn’t want to “talk about this” all day and that the reason she doesn’t like talking about it is it goes for more than 30 minutes it ruins her whole day. When I tell her I want her to express her feelings she says she just doesn’t have feelings to discuss with me. 

I cry every morning and every afternoon because I know she doesn’t want to get out of bed and I know she doesn’t want to come home in the afternoon. She said she doesn’t want to come home at night because there is nothing to look forward to. She says one of the reasons she doesn’t like coming home to our house is because in the evenings because I am going to want to talk about her feelings. 

We fight a lot because she doesn’t think I do things for her. I do a lot around the house that goes unnoticed. I cook, I do dishes, I take trash out (she doesn’t even know what day the trash comes and we’ve lived together 15 years.) On the one hand she wants me to do things for her, but she also has this independent attitude of I don’t need you and I don’t need you to do anything for me! 

She spends most evenings these days just reading magazines and watching TV. I try to put my arms around her and touch her but no affection is returned. When it is time to go to bed, she takes up magazines to read. I get so tired I almost fall asleep while she is reading but I want to stay awake so we can say good night and I love you – which doesn’t seem to be happening any more. I get frustrated as she is reading the magazines because I feel like she is reading all this crap that 20-somthings should read not 40-somethings. 

In all, I think my wife is going through a mid-life crisis or something. She is 42 and from the looks of her new wardrobe and the dozens of magazines she is subscribing to, she wants to be 24 again. Self, Women’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire – all of which have a target audience of Age 18-34 – shes reading magazines for single women and I think it may actually be contributing to this. I get the distinct feeling she is having a mid-life crisis as I think about the way she is dressing and acting and what she is reading.

The hardest thing in the world right now is waking up ‘alone’ although my wife is actually lying in bed beside me! There is a lot more to my situation, but I think this is going to be too long of an opening as it is.

Can anyone provide guidance or suggestions?


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## danl (Nov 14, 2009)

WOW, over 2 years of this. She sounds just like my wife and what I am going thru. But mine told me the news 7 weeks ago and is already more then ready for me to get out. Doesnt want to try to work anything out.
Mine is just like yours, new young girl cloths, never wants to be home, wont talk, ect. Its been pleasent around here. Good luck to ya. Wish mine would give me 2 years to work it out.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I have much to say on this subject, but nothing that I haven't said in so many other posts.

The woman will not be sexually attracted to a weak man. A woman will be irrestibly attracted to a dominant man.

If a man is trying to appease a woman by any other means it is not giving her even what she is saying she wants, not ever the "nice guy" or the sensitive guy or anything else.

If a woman is tired of a man to always want to talk about her feelings, then that should be the clear sign hitting you over the head.

STOP being so eager to give in to her, she is merely at her wits end to provoke you into being a man and standing up for yourself.

If you ever find yourself "begging" your wife for anything, particularly for love, then sorry my friend, that is never the answer and only throwing fuel on an already raging fire of resentment.

The best thing to do, without having to spell out a million little things, is to remember who it was she fell in love with. The man who was in control of himself and his world, who had goals and dreams, and would be fighting for the woman he loved. If you can see yourself to let yourself become this man again, then that is the way to move forward.

This is not the man to be begging a woman to love him, or to cry or otherwise show weakness to his woman. No matter what any man or woman says, such a man is not sexually attractive to woman no matter how hard the woman may try.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Wow, for awhile there, I thought this was a post of mine that I had somehow forgotten about. Wife's behavior is very similar to mine.

I know what you mean when you say she just sighs or "ugh!" before answering a question, or in my case, sometimes just seeing me garnered that response. It's like being punched in the stomach. Words really do hurt more.

I too believe my wife (40) is going through some kind of midlife crisis, and trying to live a life she feels she missed out on, especially after getting lots of male attention at her job, a couple of which she took past the "friend" level.

Anyway, if your wife is feeling this way about you, why hasn't she left? Is she having an affair, emotional or physical (they always start out emotional and quickly get physical)? 

Is she on drugs? Don't laugh, my wife smokes marijuana several times a day every day, and all her friends, including her new boyfriends, do it. I do not, and I think that may actually be one of the reasons she fell out of love with me (we couldn't connect on that level).

I would first suggest counseling (though it didn't work for us, because she didn't want to save the marriage). Then, if that doesn't work out, try separation. Prepare for it to become permanent. Finally, you might be facing divorce.

Believe me, I know your pain. My wife behaved in similar fashion, and she is obsessed with Beyonce and Jay-Z, and fancies herself to be Beyonce looking for her Jay-Z. As she told me recently, she's "not feeling my swagger". What kind of attitude is that for a 40-year old married woman with a young daughter? She's into all the celebrity gossip magazines and music videos of sexy girls shaking their asses with some thug.

You have to start asking yourself some hard questions; where did I/we go wrong? do I deserve this? where do we go from here? can I win her back? do I want to? Since she's unwilling to give answers (that's so annoying when they do that), you're going to have to become proactive and a little bit selfish. 

Tell her if she doesn't want to be in this relationship, then you or her should leave. 2 years of this crap is unacceptable. You are a person who should not tolerate being stepped on despite your best efforts to please her. 

You can expect a really big fight after that, but you know what? You'll get some answers. She may say some angry, hurtful things, but she'll also tell you the truth.

Keep us updated. And feel free to pm me if you want. Our situations are so similar, its uncanny.

P.S. do you have kids?


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

melancholyman said:


> Wow, for awhile there, I thought this was a post of mine that I had somehow forgotten about...


I have been reading posts here for a long time – I know that men not paying attention to their wives is a common theme and I admit that was the “where did I/we go wrong” part.

I feel like I am being emotionally abused or being intentionally subjected to the same “not paying attention” in order to make me see how it feels. For example she says I used to spend all my time on the computer – now shes the one addicted to Facebook, Farmville, Fishville, Petville, MobWars, and whatever the latest game is.

I have asked her all kinds of questions, but no interest. I have even looked her in the eyes and asked if I am wasting my time, but she cant answer or says she doesnt know. I have specifially asked her if this could be midlife crisis and she says no. Her feelings about the clothes is she was always the fat kid and now that she has lost 80lbs she wants to dress nice all the time and look fashionable (which I cant blame her for.)

As for why she hasn't left – I don’t know? She does say I am now doing everything right and that I am and always have been a great guy and that she is scared that 6 months from now she will realize she made the biggest mistake of her life. Unfortunealtey, she just says she doesn’t have any feelings for me and doesn’t know how to get them back.

We’re both in our early 40’s and we don’t have kids yet. Shes not really good around babys, but I always though I would be a good dad. She’s now resentful I think that we don’t have children, but I never heard this until after she said she wanted a divorce, so I am not sure its true or not. Shes not on drugs, we are both strongly opposed to that (we’ll have an occasional mixed drink or glass of wine once in a while.) I can’t find hard evidence of her cheating yet, I may have reason to be concerned with all her new found texting and emailing that is going on with "guy friends" (making me nervous and jealous or untrusting.)

I started suggesting counseling over a year ago, but when I first suggested it she was opposed to it and to this day she denies I mentioned that long ago (even though I remember where we were and what her exact response was.) Now were in counseling, but I have seen some of her emails telling friends that she only agreed to it because she feels she owes me that much and since we started going she tells people its not working.

She has suggested a dozen or so times she move into the guest room or move out for 6 months so she could clear her head and see if she missed me, but when I finally gave in and told her to move out she said she wouldn’t want to do it until we talked to a lawyer so we make sure I cant claim she ‘abandoned’ me. Sounded to me like she may have already talked to a lawyer – and since I told her it was okay to move out she hasn’t mentioned it since. Go figure?

As for the hard questions… I deserve to admit that she is a person who needs LOTS of affection and that for 10 years I ignored her in little ways and also ignored her cries that if I didn’t pay more attention to her we might end up divorced one day. What I don’t deserve is to be told that our marriage has been crap since day one, when I know there have been great times along the way. I believe knowing what went wrong, this can be reconciled if both parties draw a line in the sand and each put forth 100% effort. I don’t know if I can win her back when she is not drawing the line in the sand and is putting in very little effort.

She is not religious and doesn’t have a faith or higher being to turn to. I pray for myself and for her almost every day. At home it has gotten to the point now that she no longer wants to have conversations about the issues – she usually says she doesn’t want to “talk about this” all day and that the reason she doesn’t like talking about it is it goes for more than 30 minutes it ruins her whole day. When I tell her I want her to express her feelings she says she just doesn’t have feelings to discuss with me. 

I am starting to feel like I can no longer put up with this, but I cant give in. And, just as she is worried that if she devotes to trying to make this work shes scared I will revert to my old ways. I on the other hand am wondering if I get her to re-commit to the marriage will I be happy if we don’t solve the small stuff like division of chores and her lack of cleaning up after herself and being a general party pooper. How do I fix a marriage and fix all that too?

How do I know when its time to give in and when to keep fighting for someone I adore.


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> I have much to say on this subject, but nothing that I haven't said in so many other posts...


The only thing I have 'begged' my wife to do is not to initiate a divorce, and she hasn’t done it to date.

The generalization that women will not be sexually attracted to a weak man may be true, but to also be able to generalize that women will be irresistibly attracted to a dominant man may be over stepping it a bit. 

Not only do I know I don’t want her to see me as weak or to see me cry, I go so far as to say that in counseling and to her. 

Sometimes she just pushes me over the edge. I admit I am having a hard time focusing on me and getting me happy with me again. It can be hard to do, even though I know I have to do it and that I will be better off in the long run if I am happy with myself (no matter what happens to my marriage.)


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