# Are we doomed?



## QuietSoul

Married 7 years, "normal" sex life year 1, year 2 began waning, then H hospitalized for bipolar episode and been on meds since. (This makes two of us). Sex became every 2-3 weeks, and that frequency is now us in a good patch. 

Last year I went through this time where I was feeling attracted to other men and almost cheated. Was really tempted. But didn't which I am glad to say, and i seem to have moved on from that. 

But now I worry. 

I found out i was pregnant in Jan this year and we haven't had sex since. And even leading up to that, the primary motivation for H was whether or not I was ovulating.

I feel like such a waste. I am going to brag for a moment and say i am attractive and have a great body. I get attention from other men but I am faithful and I don't care for other men's attention because I am married but I am scared this will change. 

I am now 4 mths pregnant, 32, I feel like my body will never be the same again after I give birth, everything goes south, and we probably won't have a second baby so there's not even that motivation for my H to want to bother. 

I am trying to go easy on him at the moment as he is going through a lot and his dad is living with us part time. But I feel like a waste. Why even take care of myself?

I love H dearly. We have got through some serious trials and we are close as friends but i just feel so disappointed that he has zero interest in me sexually. Kind of odd that he's a sex addict in recovery but wouldn't poke a stick at me right now.

I am scared for what this means long term. I want to stay faithful. I WILL stay faithful. But what are the long term effects of this?


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## EleGirl

Is your husband in therapy for his bipolar and his sexual addiction? It seems that our sex life ought to be dealt with in counseling. 

He might have been using his sexual addiction as a way to self medicate his bipolar symptoms. It's a very common thing for those with bipolar to act out sexually. So now he's on medication and has no desire for sex.

You need to sit him down and tell him that he has to work with you to fix your sex life because you cannot live in a sexless marriage. Get him into MC with you. If he won't deal with it, you divorce is an option.


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## batsociety

Has he trialled other medications? Antidepressants/psychotics are almost as notorious as the disorder for messing with peep's sex drives. After my diagnosis I went through several different drugs before I found one that really suited me.


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## SecondTime'Round

You're all over the place. I'm not sure what your main concern is. For example, when you say "why even take care of myself?" what do you mean? Because your husband doesn't seem to be interested in you sexually so you'd stop caring about your body? Don't do that. Take care of your body for you, not for any man (says the woman who has let her STBX's opinion of her and her body destroy her over the last 20 years). 

Your body may change after baby, but it may not. If you don't end up with a c-section, odds are great you can get back to that great pre-baby body!

Congrats on the pregnancy .


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## SecondTime'Round

Lila said:


> Just to add some perspective here.....a c-section doesn't necessarily mean a woman's body can't bounce back. I had one and with hard work, my post c-section body looked way better than pre-baby. I also think my dr. did me a favor and performed a mini-tuck or something because when I walked out of the hospital, no one could tell I had just had a baby. I was 4 lbs from pre-baby weight four days after I had my son.


Haha about the mini tuck . I was able to bounce reasonably well after my first c-section. Not so much after the second one. I'd LOVE a tummy tuck.


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## SecondTime'Round

foolscotton3 said:


> Most of the men I have talked to thought their SO looked better after having children. I think the whole pre-preg image thing is womens' self esteems wrapped up in bodily image.


I would like to meet these men.


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## RealityBites2

I am wondering if you are on talking terms with him. Have you discussed this with him? You may be surprised what that could bring up for the both of you.

Note: our bodies do change with age. So not much you can do about that there.


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## RealityBites2

I am wondering if you are on talking terms with him. Have you discussed this with him? You may be surprised what that could bring up for the both of you.

Note: our bodies do change with age. So not much you can do about that there.


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## Nomorebeans

Sunganani said:


> I am wondering if you are on talking terms with him. Have you discussed this with him? You may be surprised what that could bring up for the both of you.


I agree and was going to say the same thing. You say you are very close as friends and love him dearly. If that's the case, PLEASE talk to him about all this. This is the main mistake I made with my STBX of 25 years, and now we're divorcing when we have a 13-year-old son. I had postpartum depression, very severely. I was placed on SSRIs, and while they helped tremendously, they killed my sex drive. We got involved with our baby and focused on him, and very rarely had sex any longer after he was born. And we never really talked about it. It wasn't that my H made advances to me and I refused - he never even asked or got affectionate with me enough that I thought he was interested. So I started thinking he wasn't, he started thinking I wasn't, we never discussed it, and eventually it just got weird.

Please try not to let that happen. If I could go back and do just one thing differently, I'd have been open with my H right at the beginning when the SSRIs killed my sex drive about what was going on there, and we could have talked about it, and maybe I'd have found a different type of anti-depressant that didn't cause that, and maybe we would have found ways to be intimate in the meantime until I got my drive back. But I wasn't open, he wasn't either, and we never talked about it. After years of really living mostly like good friends, our love died. He's been having an affair since last September that I found out about in February and wants to be with the OW, and it's all over for us.

As to your body after pregnancy, I got into the best shape of my life when our son was about 18 months old - my body was actually better than it had been before I'd ever been pregnant. And now I'm 50, walking 3-5 miles and doing yoga every day (it's really only about 1.5 hours a day total, and I fit it in around things), eating better than I have in a long time, cutting way back on drinking, and my body is on its way back to that place it was at 11 years ago. So don't worry about that - you can always get that back - even be better and stronger than you were before.

Please keep us posted, and please think about having a very open, heart to heart talk with your husband about how you feel and how important it is for you that you both are happy in your marriage and stay together.


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## QuietSoul

Hey all,

Thanks heaps for taking the time to respond and for your encouragement and advice. I will respond more fully tomorrow, but just wanted to let you all know that I have been reading what you wrote. I have had a hectic time with the father in law around (a subject for another thread) but we're on our own again so I can have some more me time.

QS


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## Anonymous07

batsociety said:


> Has he trialled other medications? Antidepressants/psychotics are almost as notorious as the disorder for messing with peep's sex drives. After my diagnosis I went through several different drugs before I found one that really suited me.


:iagree:

I would look at different medications that may work better for him. Keep trying until he finds one that has the least amount of side-effects. 



SecondTime'Round said:


> You're all over the place. I'm not sure what your main concern is. For example, when you say "why even take care of myself?" what do you mean? Because your husband doesn't seem to be interested in you sexually so you'd stop caring about your body? Don't do that. *Take care of your body for you, not for any man* (says the woman who has let her STBX's opinion of her and her body destroy her over the last 20 years).
> 
> Your body may change after baby, but it may not. If you don't end up with a c-section, odds are great you can get back to that great pre-baby body!
> 
> Congrats on the pregnancy .


Definitely take care of your body no matter what. I know how it feels to have a husband who is not interested in you sexually. My husband doesn't seem to care about my body, but I still try to stay in shape for myself, and for our son. I want to be healthy for my kid, so I can be around for a very long time. Don't let his reactions to you change how you view yourself. 

C-section or not, you can get back to the pre-pregnancy weight. I didn't do anything differently other than just breastfeeding and dropped all the weight in just a couple months. Breastfeeding burns a lot of calories.  

Enjoy your pregnancy! I loved the second trimester.


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## QuietSoul

Hi all, sorry i dumped and disappeared. Just Ben crazy times here. Thx so much again for your responses.

OK, so I do kind of talk about it here and there with him. Don't want to badger him but here and there I will be lime "ya know, we haven't had sex since January". When I try to talk about it I n a bit more depth, and there has been a few times, I tell him that I am scarednit's "all downhill from here", that my body will go south, which I can deal with generally but I fear that he will be even less interested than now because of that. 

We gave it a go last night but it just felt like everything was working against us. I am generally past the morning sickness (17 weeks) but my gag reflex is still sensitive. Also starting to have heartburn because my stomach is being pushed up. I had a cold sore that had almost healed but another tiny one had began to develop above my lip so I was not wanting to kiss or give him head but he was like "we'll be OK" but i didn't want to give him herpes. We fooled around a bit and I felt self conscious because I am not as groomed as I would like to be right now (we are renovating and don't have a proper bathroom). We stared having sex but we didn't have lube and it was a bit painful ft me so we stopped and that was it. 

On top of that, I felt kind of awkward, like because it had been awhile and I was out of sorts physically and knowing I wanted this more than him ...

His dad is stating with us again so not sure when we will try again. 

I should take heart knowing that at least he was willing, even though things didn't go as hoped. 

Due to some recent developments, we are now taking a holiday to Fiji later this month. We were planning to go to the US in May but long story why we can't now, but Plan B is this now. I told him I wanted to go overseas to somewhere relaxing before we have the baby and he starts his new job. 

I am hoping that a romantic and relaxing location can give us some inspiration and especially knowing this is our last couple holiday for a long time.

Re pregnancy body recovery, thanks to the women here for your encouragement. I haven't put on weight really (I mainly lost weight at first because I was sick all the time). I am not too worried about weight, but just more what will happen to my boobs from hours of breast feeding and also about losing baby fat and stretched skn around my tummy. I am planning on a C section too.

Will let you know about progress. Also, will try talk to him about it more, I just worry that when I do that it may be slightly guilt trippy. I am not trying to be but I fond some things I say sound that way. Hard to explain... He's got so much to deal with already with his dad dying I just feel like I really need to try and help him and not put additional stress on him...


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## northernlights

SecondTime'Round said:


> Your body may change after baby, but it may not. If you don't end up with a c-section, odds are great you can get back to that great pre-baby body!


PLEASE don't say this. I was terrified to have a c-section because I've heard it ruins your stomach forever, and my daughter needed one to survive birth. SO MUCH UNNECESSARY STRESS!!! I had a flat stomach within 2 weeks of birth. Another baby, another section, another flat stomach in 2 weeks. 7 years out from the last baby and a woman in the locker room last week told me she couldn't believe I've had 2 kids.

Don't worry about how the baby comes out! (And as it ended up, I LOVED my sections. Just the most amazing births I can imagine a person having.)


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## QuietSoul

Regarding medications, he is on Seroquel. His doc wants him to also get on lithium but if that happens that will seriously put another damper on it..


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## QuietSoul

SecondTime'Round said:


> You're all over the place. I'm not sure what your main concern is. For example, when you say "why even take care of myself?" what do you mean? Because your husband doesn't seem to be interested in you sexually so you'd stop caring about your body? Don't do that. Take care of your body for you, not for any man (says the woman who has let her STBX's opinion of her and her body destroy her over the last 20 years).
> 
> Your body may change after baby, but it may not. If you don't end up with a c-section, odds are great you can get back to that great pre-baby body!
> 
> Congrats on the pregnancy
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .


I just mean this note from a place of frustration. I'm not talking about weight or being healthy, just more about appearance and you know how as a woman you have a sexual self, you want to feel confident in how you look etc.

Without meaning to get into this, let's just say I get attention from men. Nothing sleazy (generally), I just see them looking. Not wearing anything revealing, just like a fitted dress for work eiyg stockings and heels for eg. Hair done nice, make up etc. Then I come home, H is like whatever. Sometimes Some times I dress in something that I feel good in and I want him to notice and be the one yo enjoy that but it seems randoms on the street get more enjoymemt than my H, even if I'm naked in front of H it seems to make little impact. But then he goes to meetings for his so called addiction because of how apparently out of control he is....


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## QuietSoul

So i just for feel like a waste, like this is the best I will look now, and not after baby when things run their course, and H isn't even interested


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## Anonymous07

QuietSoul said:


> So i just for feel like a waste, like this is the best I will look now, and not after baby when things run their course, and H isn't even interested


You are not a waste and your body will not be ruined after pregnancy. Sure, your body changes, as it will with age anyways, but it doesn't mean it's worse off. My son will be 2 this summer and I look just as good now, if not better, than I did pre-pregnancy with bigger boobs, too. I'm sure you'll look great after the baby, too. 

Unfortunately stretch marks can't be prevented entirely, as it's a genetic issue. It all depends on how much elastin is in your skin, as to whether or not you will get stretch marks, but they are not the end of the world. I got some stretch marks on my belly and a lot on my breasts(going up 3 cup sizes quickly can do that), but they all faded within a year. Now you can barely notice them at all and I forget that they are even there.

Even if your husband doesn't notice, just know in yourself that you're beautiful and worth it.


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