# Just don't know what to think



## TryingToDotheRightThing (Jul 15, 2013)

I've been married for 25 years. For the last year I've been seperated from my husband. He wound up leaving me last year because we had a lot of issues in our marriage. During the seperation I reflected on what I did wrong; wanted to start dating my husband so we could start working on our issues. We dated and things seemed to be working out. About a month later he wound up meeting someone and started texting her and talking to her on the phone. I was livid. I begged him to stop, but he didn't. He said he liked her. About 2 months later he wound up flying to see her and had non stop sex for 3 days. He came back and told me. I was crushed. About a month later he ended the affair. 

During that time we fought so much. I think it was because I felt betrayed and so hurt. Beginning of this year we seemed to make some headway, but every several weeks we would get into huge fights (he would always start them). I pointed out to him these are the things HE needs to fix in our marriage.

A couple of months ago he told me to move on with my life and he is no longer in love with me. Once again, I was very upset.

I've been fighting for him ever since. Trying to convince him things would be different. He would ask, "why are you still in love with me even after all the horrible things I've done to you?" I told him because I felt that we were worth fighting for and was still in love with him.

Then Saturday night, I called him around 12 midnight. No answer. I got into my car and drove to his condo. I found him walking across the parking lot with this blonde haired woman. I parked the car, got out and proceeded to yell at her and told her to stay the eff away from my husband. She had this shocked look on her face; said nothing and walked away. This was the same woman that my husband was telling me about earlier in the day. He said she had the hots for him and he had absolutely zero interest in her. He said she wasn't his type and gossiped too much. After I caught him with her, he then told me that SHE called HIM and asked him out for a drink. They drove together in HIS truck. 

He insisted nothing happened. I'm not sure what to believe; he had an affair once already. I'm so confused 

We talked on Sunday almost the entire day about things. I woke this morning feeling sick about things. I can't get the image of this woman out of my head. Probably because of his affair he had last year - that hit me hard. Now this.

I've been fighting so hard to get my marriage back - I'm just not sure it's worth it now. 

My husband is going to Florida next month. He is flying out to meet his single buddy. My concern is that he will wind up doing something with someone, although he told me he has no interest in that.

I'm just feeling so confused at this point. I just don't know what to do. 

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Its interesting how a lot of women like to be abused, in fact some cant get enough!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

He's cake eating, you do need to move on with your life. It worries me how you were willing to leave middle of the night because he didn't answer his phone.

He's clearly not interested in reconciling if he were he would not be dating or leaving on fun trips with his single friend. Stop trying to control him, this makes you look weak. Work on you. Oh and don't for a minute think this girl is a man eating predator, I'm sure he's been chasing her around. You deserve better!


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## TryingToDotheRightThing (Jul 15, 2013)

mablenc said:


> He's cake eating, you do need to move on with your life. It worries me how you were willing to leave middle of the night because he didn't answer his phone.
> 
> He's clearly not interested in reconciling if he were he would not be dating or leaving on fun trips with his single friend. Stop trying to control him, this makes you look weak. Work on you. Oh and don't for a minute think this girl is a man eating predator, I'm sure he's been chasing her around. You deserve better!


I still love him. After all we've been through. I know...that sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but it's pretty hard throwing out 25 years. It wasn't a perfect marriage. In the beginning he worked nights and I worked days. We were like two ships passing in the night. I think during this time we never REALLY got to know each other. He became jealous because I hung out with our mutual best friend (female) a lot. That was because he was either working or sleeping and if I wanted to go out, he was too tired so I went without him (hey, I was young then - in my early 30's). But I ALWAYS made him dinner and brought it to him where he worked. I took care of his needs; sex was NEVER an issue all through our marriage. It was awesome.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Warning - big 2x4s coming your way. Don't read if you're easily offended.

So, you have an issues-filled marriage, where you went out and acted single with your girlfriend because, hey! you were young so why not? Both of you were miserable, enough that you split up. While split up, he found that he enjoyed being around other women, which got YOU riled up and made you start fighting for him, seeing that you were about to be out-competed. Yet instead of doing as you SAID you were doing - seeing what you did wrong in the marriage, working on that - you fought with him, giving him even MORE reason to not want to be with you.

When that didn't work and you stalked him, you found out yes, he really IS enjoying being single after a 25-year unhappy marriage, and you acted as though you had never been separated in the first place and laid claim on your 'man.' Who hasn't really been your man for the past year, as you've been separated.

What did you expect him to be doing all this time? He wanted out of this marriage. He got OUT of this marriage. But you don't seem to be understanding that.

From the little you've said so far, it sounds like you have an issue with wanting things to go your way and if you don't get it your way - you fight.

Do you think men like being around women like that?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm sorry for your situation. Read the 180 and start doing it. Cut your H off completely from your life so you can begin healing. 

Showing him life without you is the only thing that could turn him around. If it doesn't turn him around it will help you heal sooner.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's seems that your husband is being honest about his desire and plan to end the marriage. A relationship takes two people who want it to make it work, right now you're then only one who wants it.

The more you pursue him, the less he is going to want you. The arguing the two of you do has no doubt really helped firm up his resolve on ending it. He looks at the marriage and he sees conflict and anger, and he's choosing to withdraw and no longer do that with his life.

Perhaps the arguing is a sign that you two aren't compatible.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TryingTo, he has been very clear about his intentions. HIs actions match his words.
Start envisioning a life without him in the picture. Start detaching, read, implement, live the 180.

Sorry friend. He's gone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why on earth do you keep pursuing him? He's obviously just trying to make you be the one to file for D. He probably thinks it will save him some money or something. Or else he's just lazy. He's just going to keep hitting you over the head as long as you keep taking it.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Ouch. I hate to say it, but the other posters are pretty much telling it like it is. Your M is hanging on by the barest thread, if that. He apparently doesn't want to be with you any more, from the sounds of it. However, worse situations have been turned around. Take heart in that, but don't be clingy and needy. 

The only person who can change you is YOU. Start there. If he comes back and you can work it out, that's wonderful. If not, at least you wil have been working on what makes YOU tick, and that will bear good fruit for you in later years. 

I'm very sorry you are going through this. But remember, the only one you can change is you.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

He's not really having an affair because you guys are separated. He sounds like he's had enough, I'd follow Acabado's advice if I were you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Please try to sleep and eat well, get out of the house. If you can buy new clothes or wear your nice clothes. You will start feeling better, take up new hobbies, go spend time with family. Leave your phone at home and resist calling him or any method you have to check up on him. Make it a goal to not contact him in a day, resist the urge. Then the next and so on. When you have reached the week I promise you will feel better. Read up on codependency too, see if it sounds familiar.

If you feel weak post here, we will set you straight.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Let him go, why would you stay with someone who no longer respects you. Your love won't make him love you. So many men/women who waste their time on these types of people. So sad, if they would invest in someone with their moral character, we would have some pretty great marriages to hear about.


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