# Help. Hubby losing erections.



## PieOhMy

My husband has been losing his erections lately...and then he has a hard time getting it back up. Started 2 months ago. I can be giving him head and when I come up for a breather, it just plops over and dies. And it can be during sex, while we're changing positions he just loses it. And it's really beginning to be a real bummer in the bedroom. And I think it's killing his ego which only makes it worse. Doesn't happen every time but maybe once a week now.

In the past he had a bad habit with porn. Stopped being intimate with me, rejected me, and started criticizing my body, weight, clothes, etc. Finally he admitted he was jerking off to porn at work a lot. I don't like porn and I do not support the porn industry. For personal reasons and just morally I don't agree with it. So this crushed me.

Hubby eventually agreed that it was counterproductive to our relationship and didn't want to hurt me...so he stopped using porn. Took a few tries, but after some months things started getting better and now we are very transparent with our emails, our phones and any electronic accounts, Google, etc. At one point we had apps on our phones that allowed us both to view what the other was doing on our phones. We eventually got rid of it, it was only for the beginning of it. It was more to build trust for me and he said it would help him be more conscious of what he did. Now he says he doesn't even masturbate because he's noticed it effects his performance and he's afraid if he masturbates, he'll be tempted to use porn. 

Up to 2 months ago we had a great sex life. But now he keeps losing his erections. Stress is high, we just purchased a new home. Finances will be tight. My in-laws live overseas in a bad economy, so that stresses hin out mentally and financially. I'm still losing weight, I'm still taking care of myself. We have our fights but things between us are pretty good.

So...what is it? Stress? Do you think it's porn again? Health related? 

He had bloodwork done in January...he had high cholesterol but otherwise everything was good.

Is there something else I'm not thinking of?..is it me?

Really need a guy's perspective.




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## anonmd

Age? General health? Weight?


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## KevinZX

What can i say,,i have erectile problems, at least i did until my wife left me and i got a healthy eating plan going, now it is hello mr woody goodbye nutcase wife, i believe that these problems as soon as you both notice there's a problem should seek help, counseling, medical or whatever. My wife used the excuse of my erectile problems to get another man in tow, what she didn't do was work on why i had this issue, her infidelity all through our marriage, which i absorbed inside and this made me turn away for her and i put sex on the back burner. Your husband seems to want to work on this issue and your support will be invaluable to him as he works through this problem and you both find a solution, their is probably not a medical condition here, it is as you say a stressful time for you both, sorting one thing at a time will soon have him firing on all cylinders again. Best of luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## PieOhMy

anonmd said:


> Age? General health? Weight?


28. General health is good. 6', 200 lbs. 

When I started focusing on my diet, he did too. He still tends to eat more meat and junk than I do. But definitely better than what he was eating. 

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## PieOhMy

I have been trying to get him to start lifting with me. We both could use it and I think that would make him feel better mentally and physically. But he does do physical labor so when he comes home, he's not interested in doing much. Should I suggest him going to a doctor? I don't want to seem insulting.

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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

You are sure he hasn't started with the porn again? 

When he loses it can he do some oral and more foreplay type stuff on you while you try to get it back so it's not just a waiting to resume things time. 
It'll be less of a big deal mentally for both of you which might ease some of the worry and stress about it.


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## sokillme

Check the porn use. You switch up and try to make it exciting right? Like not missionary every night?


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## GuyInColorado

If we are having sex for the 2nd or 3rd time within 12 hours, it can be hard to keep it rock hard for more than 10 minutes. I'd make sure he's not beating off without you.

Stress is also a factor. If I'm super stressed out, it weighs on you and can distract you in the bedroom.


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## jb02157

Could be time for some Viagra.


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## jorgegene

jb02157 said:


> Could be time for some Viagra.


yes. if nothing else just to boost his confidence and feel like a lion again.

make sure he gets an Rx so his sawbones is in the loop.


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## uhtred

One cause of ED is stress. One cause of stress is ED. That can lead to a bad feedback loop where he worries about losing his erection so he does.

Try to go for a month of not worrying about it. If he loses it, have him do other things for you - oral, toys whatever. Try to take the pressure off and see if it helps.


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## chillymorn69

I also would keep an eye out for the porn again.

28yrs old is too young in my opinion unless he has some serious health issues.


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## Bananapeel

At his age it's either he's already ejaculated or he's not getting turned on. Whether it is porn or something else, I couldn't say.


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## jb02157

chillymorn69 said:


> I also would keep an eye out for the porn again.


Yes especially if he's doing it at work??? His putting himself in a situation where if he gets caught he'll not only get fired, it will be hard to get employed again.


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## kenyaone

chillymorn69 said:


> I also would keep an eye out for the porn again.
> 
> 28yrs old is too young in my opinion unless he has some serious health issues.


I concur with you at 28 his sexual appetite ought be at its peak. Check for other factors that affect his esteem in the bedroom. 



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## TX-SC

Has he had his testosterone checked? Also, is he on any antidepressants? 

Erection issues can be physical or mental. If he has something on his mind other than sex, it can lead to erection problems. Similar to being drunk, if the mind can't concentrate on the task at hand, it can lead to a lost erection.


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## PieOhMy

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You are sure he hasn't started with the porn again?
> 
> When he loses it can he do some oral and more foreplay type stuff on you while you try to get it back so it's not just a waiting to resume things time.
> It'll be less of a big deal mentally for both of you which might ease some of the worry and stress about it.


I already checked his phone and Google services...I haven't found anything. Nothing at all. Even his tablet is connected to his Google services and that's always at home...I could check it anytime or day. Haven't found anything there either. There are computers at work he has access to but they're all in the office...he may be able to use those in the morning before others get to work but that's kind of a reach.

He swears he's not, approached him just earlier and asked him...still says he's not. Suggested going to the doctor at the end of August after we move, he said okay.

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## PieOhMy

sokillme said:


> Check the porn use. You switch up and try to make it exciting right? Like not missionary every night?


Yeah, we do different stuff all the time. Sometimes just foreplay, sometimes just sex, him on top, me on top, all sorts. I'm actually more playful, he's the one that's a little more shy. 

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## PieOhMy

GuyInColorado said:


> If we are having sex for the 2nd or 3rd time within 12 hours, it can be hard to keep it rock hard for more than 10 minutes. I'd make sure he's not beating off without you.
> 
> Stress is also a factor. If I'm super stressed out, it weighs on you and can distract you in the bedroom.


I did ask again. He said he's not. He swears.

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## PieOhMy

uhtred said:


> One cause of ED is stress. One cause of stress is ED. That can lead to a bad feedback loop where he worries about losing his erection so he does.
> 
> Try to go for a month of not worrying about it. If he loses it, have him do other things for you - oral, toys whatever. Try to take the pressure off and see if it helps.


He mentioned that ever since the first 2 times it happened, he gets anxious about it every time we get intimate and it is hard to get out of head. He says when I tell him to try not to think about it, he only thinks about it more.

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## Middle of Everything

PieOhMy said:


> I already checked his phone and Google services...I haven't found anything. Nothing at all. Even his tablet is connected to his Google services and that's always at home...I could check it anytime or day. Haven't found anything there either. There are computers at work he has access to but they're all in the office...he may be able to use those in the morning before others get to work but that's kind of a reach.
> 
> He swears he's not, approached him just earlier and asked him...still says he's not. Suggested going to the doctor at the end of August after we move, he said okay.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Could just be using incognito browsing on chrome.

At 28 unless he's on meds or big stress, he should be able to maintain rock hard erections with no problem. I know everyone is different but at 28? Dang.


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## PieOhMy

I don't know what it is! 

Looked through his phone, Google services, the bathroom isn't stalls, it's one enclosed bathroom so he could be doing and is just doing a really good job at hiding it...I've checked history, site settings, downloads, Google's activity controls, his typing dictionary for common phrases, I've checked everything. Unless he's going old school with magazines or is hiding another tablet at work, I don't know how he'd be doing. 

Stress...he says he's really stressed because the other main guy that did the same work my husband does retired. So a lot of work has been on him. He says he's also stressed about his family and now he stresses about getting an erection. Said he doesn't understand why this wasn't happening when he was using porn but is happening now when he's not. 

Maybe it's me? I'm still overweight but I'm losing about .5-1lb a week. I'm only getting smaller. I'm not ugly. I have a pretty face, nice skin and a nice butt. I'm not ugly. 

He said today he wants to go to GNC to look at a protein drink and maybe start lifting.

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## PieOhMy

TX-SC said:


> Has he had his testosterone checked? Also, is he on any antidepressants?
> 
> Erection issues can be physical or mental. If he has something on his mind other than sex, it can lead to erection problems. Similar to being drunk, if the mind can't concentrate on the task at hand, it can lead to a lost erection.


He's not on any medications. Um...Im not sure actually...is that part of the normal blood work? Like cholesterols, blood counts, thyroids, sugar, etc.

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## PieOhMy

Middle of Everything said:


> Could just be using incognito browsing on chrome.
> 
> At 28 unless he's on meds or big stress, he should be able to maintain rock hard erections with no problem. I know everyone is different but at 28? Dang.


Ugh...any way to check incognito? Lol.

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## TX-SC

PieOhMy said:


> He's not on any medications. Um...Im not sure actually...is that part of the normal blood work? Like cholesterols, blood counts, thyroids, sugar, etc.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Not at his age. A testosterone check would likely only be done if he expressed concerns or asked for one. His best option is to see his Dr. about his erection issues. I'm willing to bet it bothers him too. If he shows little interest in sex then it would definately be worth checking his T levels. But, poor erection can also be related to heart issues or diabetes. That is assuming it's not all mental/stress.


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## badsanta

PieOhMy said:


> Really need a guy's perspective.


I completely understand you stance on porn as my wife has very similar views. But if your husband grew up with porn, using it likely became imprinted into his sexuality. Taking that away may have caused him to shut down a significant part of his sexuality that is driven by curiosity to explore and learn and rewarded with novelty that porn is generally good at providing. In the overall scheme of things, porn is a powerful sexual stimulant mentally. 

As men age, sexuality becomes much more mental and less physical. Sex needs to transition to being more mentally and emotionally engaged/stimulating with one another and less about providing more and more physical stimulation. If you can think of something that makes your husband sexually curious and then play with that idea in a flirtatious way (without touching him), those are the things that may help. BUT these ideas of something that makes him curious are best if they come from him. Porn is great at offering new novel ideas that spark curiosity. 

Now how do you replace porn with something that you could approve of that is full of novelty and ideas that will spark your husband's curiosity sexually speaking? Try encouraging him to read things of a very erotic nature that appeal to him. Written erotica does NOT rely on prostitution or require people to engage in acts of adultery in order for this content to be produced. Like 50 Shades, a book can simply be written by someone with an active imagination. 

I would encourage your husband to read. Something like the site "Literotica" is full of free content for which he can search for something he might like. If he finds something he likes, ask him to share it with you and the two of you can discuss what it is about a particular content that he finds arousing. Then guess what? He is being very stimulated sexually on a mental level that requires little or no touch for him to enjoy it. This could facilitate natural and longer erections and help make lovemaking return to something simple and enjoyable from a physical aspect as long as you put more and more effort into stimulating each other mentally. 

In other words your husbands needs to relearn how to get himself really stimulated mentally without using porn, and using something sexually stimulating that both of you can enjoy and approve of consensually. Also keep in mind that this is not about you being unable to stimulate him, this is about him "sharing" something about himself with you that he finds stimulating and you doing the same.

Hope that helps...

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

PieOhMy said:


> Ugh...any way to check incognito? Lol.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


It wouldn't show up on his history, downloads and won't save any words he searched. If I use incognito, as soon as I close the page it's like it never happened. No trace. 
Only way would be a keylogger.


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## PieOhMy

He seems concerned. Maybe I should ask about scheduling the doctor's appointment sooner than later. 

As for the porn...I guess a keylogger would be the only way to find out...I'd really hate to go down that path. 

Actually, our sex life got better after he STOPPED using porn... for both of us. Sex was boring when he was using the porn and eventually diminished to nothing. After the porn stopped, we started trying new things and more foreplay. 

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## PieOhMy

Also, the issue with the porn was that he would do this at work, so by the time he got home to me, he was not interested in sex at all. Even head.

Now, he's interested in sexy time but somewhere in the middle of it, it just goes limp. Even head. 

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## DallasCowboyFan

TX-SC said:


> Not at his age. A testosterone check would likely only be done if he expressed concerns or asked for one. His best option is to see his Dr. about his erection issues. I'm willing to bet it bothers him too. If he shows little interest in sex then it would definately be worth checking his T levels. But, poor erection can also be related to heart issues or diabetes. That is assuming it's not all mental/stress.


I have low testosterone and am being treated and am on message boards for low T and he definitely needs to be checked. If it is low T, he may think he is not attracted to you anymore, he may think he needs to masturbate here and there to see if it works, there are a number of ways it could impact the relationship. There are guys with low T on the other boards in their early 20's. It may not be the issue, but doctors don't check testosterone unless they are asked to, in most cases.


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## *Deidre*

Does your husband work out?


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## PieOhMy

*Deidre* said:


> Does your husband work out?


No, he doesn't. I want him to! I think he'd feel a lot better. When I started my weight loss journey, I asked him to join me for motivation...he said no lol. 

I prefer weight lifting. I used to do it and MMA in my early 20s. But not anymore. 

I think he'd love it if he stuck to it. We can't afford a gym. Our condo complex has a gym, but it's small and you have to wait for every piece of equipment. His work hours will make it impossible to get in there. 

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## PieOhMy

Was actuslly thinking of purchasing a barbell with some weights and a bench to start off with. 

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## *Deidre*

PieOhMy said:


> No, he doesn't. I want him to! I think he'd feel a lot better. When I started my weight loss journey, I asked him to join me for motivation...he said no lol.
> 
> I prefer weight lifting. I used to do it and MMA in my early 20s. But not anymore.
> 
> I think he'd love it if he stuck to it. We can't afford a gym. Our condo complex has a gym, but it's small and you have to wait for every piece of equipment. His work hours will make it impossible to get in there.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


He could go for a run, he could do a lot of body weight exercises right at home before or after work. (squats, push ups, core work, etc) I think this would really help your husband.  (Before you make the leap to getting him on meds. 28 years old taking Viagra? Sounds like you should exhaust other natural options, first. Just my opinion)


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## uhtred

Its a really tricky trap. Is he willing / happy to do other things for you in bed? Any fantasies you can play to? 

Maybe let him know that he can please you other ways, and for him to agree not to take care of himself - you will take care of him when he wants it. (As he goes longer without an O, it should get easier).

I know other people are worried about porn, but this really could just be stress. 





PieOhMy said:


> He mentioned that ever since the first 2 times it happened, he gets anxious about it every time we get intimate and it is hard to get out of head. He says when I tell him to try not to think about it, he only thinks about it more.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene

PieOhMy said:


> No, he doesn't. *I want him to! I think he'd feel a lot better*. When I started my weight loss journey, I asked him to join me for motivation...he said no lol.
> 
> *I prefer weight lifting. I used to do it and MMA in my early 20s. But not anymore. *
> 
> I think he'd love it if he stuck to it. We can't afford a gym. Our condo complex has a gym, but it's small and you have to wait for every piece of equipment. His work hours will make it impossible to get in there.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


good point!

i've always worked out to a degree and had occasional ED a few years ago, but i ramped up the workouts and haven't had an issue in 
about 15 months. i think it's the workouts. they definitely have a huge effect. it has a tremendous effect on blood circulation, which is what an erection is.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

jorgegene said:


> good point!
> 
> i've always worked out to a degree and had occasional ED a few years ago, but i ramped up the workouts and haven't had an issue in
> about 15 months. i think it's the workouts. they definitely have a huge effect. it has a tremendous effect on blood circulation, which is what an erection is.


Frequent vigorous exercise also boosts T.


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## PieOhMy

*Deidre* said:


> He could go for a run, he could do a lot of body weight exercises right at home before or after work. (squats, push ups, core work, etc) I think this would really help your husband.  (Before you make the leap to getting him on meds. 28 years old taking Viagra? Sounds like you should exhaust other natural options, first. Just my opinion)


I agree. I just hope he's telling me the truth about the porn and masturbating. I even said to him that at this point that would be better than finding out he has an underlying heath issue. 

He still swears he's not doing either. So I want to believe him. 

I'm usually the real initiator in the relationship, so I might just have to start lifting and hope he joins. 

28 is young. But we've both been through a lot, personally and together at young ages. We were both kind of forced to "grow up" a little earlier than the norm I guess. His whole family is overseas and the one brother here that could help us help them refuses and doesn't talk to any of the family anymore, not even hubby. My mother was terminally ill and passed some years back. Now I take care of everything she did for my dad, I don't have any siblings to help. And of course, we had big issues and drama of our own in the past...but I'd like to think that's all over and in the past now. 

But it hasn't been easy for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is we both are a little aged. We are always in bed/sleeping by 10 pm...we both wake up by 5 am. We're both taking care of our own families in some way and we don't even have kids yet lol. 

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## PieOhMy

uhtred said:


> Its a really tricky trap. Is he willing / happy to do other things for you in bed? Any fantasies you can play to?
> 
> Maybe let him know that he can please you other ways, and for him to agree not to take care of himself - you will take care of him when he wants it. (As he goes longer without an O, it should get easier).
> 
> I know other people are worried about porn, but this really could just be stress.


I have always told him this. I always told him its the porn I don't agree on, but the masturbating I didn't care about. I told him not to be shy about it. If I walked in on him rubbing off one in the shower, I'd ask him if he wanted a hand lol.

I'd be more than happy to take care of him. But the last few times that it was just going to be just me giving him head...it went limp halfway through. So now I think he's even worried about it then.

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## PieOhMy

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Frequent vigorous exercise also boosts T.


I think he'd like it. I just think it might be hard for him to stick with it because of work. It's a physical job and his boss really stresses him out lately. When he comes home, he just wants to sit.

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## badsanta

PieOhMy said:


> Actually, our sex life got better after he STOPPED using porn... for both of us. Sex was boring when he was using the porn and eventually diminished to nothing. After the porn stopped, *we started trying new things and more foreplay. *


Where did those ideas to try "new things" come from? Was it something he discovered during self exploration and he was finally opening up and beginning to "share" more things about himself he found to be arousing?


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## jb02157

*Deidre* said:


> He could go for a run, he could do a lot of body weight exercises right at home before or after work. (squats, push ups, core work, etc) I think this would really help your husband.  (Before you make the leap to getting him on meds. 28 years old taking Viagra? Sounds like you should exhaust other natural options, first. Just my opinion)


Running and biking have really helped me. I run where I can't take my bike.


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## PieOhMy

badsanta said:


> Where did those ideas to try "new things" come from? Was it something he discovered during self exploration and he was finally opening up and beginning to "share" more things about himself he found to be arousing?


Me...lol. I was the initiator through the whole thing. I eventually stopped asking and just said, "I wanna try something tonight..." 

Not everything worked out to be something he wanted to try again, trial and error kind of thing. 

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## PieOhMy

When we first got together...sex was great. It wasn't as creative and different as it is now, but it was a lot more spontaneous. Then we started having problems. Somewhere in that time, we stopped having so much sex. Then he said that's when he started using porn (this was also around when the smartphones started coming out). Then the sex life was gone and I still wanted it, but he didn't anymore. Not at all. Wouldn't entertain the thought. Total rejection. I would literally start playfully undoing his pants to give him head and he'd swat my hands away and say he wasn't in the mood. Omg it was so horrible. 

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## sokillme

PieOhMy said:


> Also, the issue with the porn was that he would do this at work, so by the time he got home to me, he was not interested in sex at all. Even head.
> 
> Now, he's interested in sexy time but somewhere in the middle of it, it just goes limp. Even head.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Doing it at work is highly inappropriate and suggest impulse control problems.


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## PieOhMy

Then he started saying stuff about my weight, wish I wore this and that, didn't want me to cut my hair. 

Started losing weight, not just for him but because I do feel my weight is going to cause me health problems. It hasn't yet, but still scared.

Lost about 20 lbs...have another 30 to go. 

But still, he used to still compliment me weight and all. And then he became this person I didn't even know. 

Now, I wear more bright colors and fitted clothes. I put on a little makeup every morning and braid my hair so I have some waves. And i feel better about myself, so in a way, it helped me be aware of taking care of myself better but during the porn use, when I made these changes, it didn't matter. 

Now he compliments me, he loves the smell of my perfume. I wear sexy lingerie now and silky night gowns he likes to touch. But none of it saves the day when his penis stops working midway. 

I think I'm just gonna ask about setting up a doctor's appointment and try mixing it up in the bedroom. Any suggestions? 

If that doesn't work and nothing bad comes up in his bloodwork...maybe then I'll try a keylogger. 

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## PieOhMy

sokillme said:


> Doing it at work is highly inappropriate and suggest impulse control problems.


He can be a little impulsive. Yeah, it is inappropriate and when he first told me, I thought it was SO WEIRD. I still do. Their bathroom is located next to the stairs...people walking by all the time. Also, maybe work was slow then or he just didn't care, but at all my healthcare jobs, I barely had time to take my lunch break or take a crap. 

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## badsanta

PieOhMy said:


> Me...lol. I was the initiator through the whole thing. I eventually stopped asking and just said, "I wanna try something tonight..."
> 
> Not everything worked out to be something he wanted to try again, trial and error kind of thing.


If you have always been the one to initiate and come up with new ideas, your ability to do so is likely far more advanced creatively. While he may have ideas of his own, he may feel they are silly or inappropriate compared to your ideas. 

Also keep in mind that you may have shamed his sexuality by letting him know you disapprove of porn and can easily point out all the problems that it causes. If porn pulled your husband away from you, there is possibly something about his sexuality that he may not be confident or feel deserving enough to share that with you. 

One of the awkward problems/benefits of porn is that it will allow someone to self explore and be extremely vulnerable about their preferences while being completely alone and experience that as something that is rewarded and accepting. Then the courage to share this with others can then be something problematic if viewing porn has always been a topic of shameful behavior and deemed as something that should be hidden. 

In psychology that can be playfully referred to as "yucking someone's yum!"

If you had to set aside your efforts of trial and error, what is it that your husband likes sexually? Don't answer that, just think about how easy or difficult it would feel for you to get him to open up about that topic? 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## PieOhMy

badsanta said:


> If you have always been the one to initiate and come up with new ideas, your ability to do so is likely far more advanced creatively. While he may have ideas of his own, he may feel they are silly or inappropriate compared to your ideas.
> 
> Also keep in mind that you may have shamed his sexuality by letting him know you disapprove of porn and can easily point out all the problems that it causes. If porn pulled your husband away from you, there is possibly something about his sexuality that he may not be confident or feel deserving enough to share that with you.
> 
> One of the awkward problems/benefits of porn is that it will allow someone to self explore and be extremely vulnerable about their preferences while being completely alone and experience that as something that is rewarded and accepting. Then the courage to share this with others can then be something problematic if viewing porn has always been a topic of shameful behavior and deemed as something that should be hidden.
> 
> In psychology that can be playfully referred to as "yucking someone's yum!"
> 
> If you had to set aside your efforts of trial and error, what is it that your husband likes sexually? Don't answer that, just think about how easy or difficult it would feel for you to get him to open up about that topic?
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


Well that was why I initiated. I felt he was going to be too embarrassed to share what he may really want to try. So I put out A LOT of different ideas, even ones that kind of over stepped my boundaries, but would have been willing to give it a shot if he wanted. I put out kink, I put out roleplaying, I put out different locations, I put out toys and even foods like whip cream and stuff. A lot he turned down. A few things he tried, didn't do it for him. A few things he did like and we still do them. But could use some juicing up again I guess. 

I'll try asking him. See what he says.

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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Sorry if I missed it but what kind of porn was he watching before? Was there a type or theme?


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## PieOhMy

I only know what he shared with me. He said he was usually in a rush because it was at work, so usual guy on girl, sometimes just a girl alone. He said he liked the more natural stuff, like he didn't like the big fake boobs and tons of makeup. He also liked butt stuff, like doggy style or anal. He said he looked at tattoos a few times. Which pissed me off because I want to get a few new tattoos and he always said no. 

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## *Deidre*

jb02157 said:


> Running and biking have really helped me. I run where I can't take my bike.


That's great! Whatever you enjoy!

My husband likes to lift, and run while I like cross fit and running. I think that staying fit not only helps you stay attractive to each other other, but it's just good for overall health and well being


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## *Deidre*

PieOhMy said:


> I agree. I just hope he's telling me the truth about the porn and masturbating. I even said to him that at this point that would be better than finding out he has an underlying heath issue.
> 
> He still swears he's not doing either. So I want to believe him.
> 
> I'm usually the real initiator in the relationship, so I might just have to start lifting and hope he joins.
> 
> 28 is young. But we've both been through a lot, personally and together at young ages. We were both kind of forced to "grow up" a little earlier than the norm I guess. His whole family is overseas and the one brother here that could help us help them refuses and doesn't talk to any of the family anymore, not even hubby. My mother was terminally ill and passed some years back. Now I take care of everything she did for my dad, I don't have any siblings to help. And of course, we had big issues and drama of our own in the past...but I'd like to think that's all over and in the past now.
> 
> But it hasn't been easy for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is we both are a little aged. We are always in bed/sleeping by 10 pm...we both wake up by 5 am. We're both taking care of our own families in some way and we don't even have kids yet lol.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


I see. Does it bother you to initiate everything, most of the time?


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## PieOhMy

Sometimes it does. Makes me feel like I need to hold his hand through everything. Now he initiates too. But I still do it more. 

I wish he'd be more aggrressive. But it's a rare occassion. 

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## PieOhMy

*Deidre* said:


> That's great! Whatever you enjoy!
> 
> My husband likes to lift, and run while I like cross fit and running. I think that staying fit not only helps you stay attractive to each other other, but it's just good for overall health and well being


I used to be a runner. But tore my ACL. After the surgery, never got into it again. Running was fun!

I wish hubby would start running with me or walking, but he says he doesn't have the stamina to go far lol. 

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## badsanta

PieOhMy said:


> Well that was why I initiated. I felt he was going to be too embarrassed to share what he may really want to try. So I put out A LOT of different ideas, even ones that kind of over stepped my boundaries, but would have been willing to give it a shot if he wanted. I put out kink, I put out roleplaying, I put out different locations, I put out toys and even foods like whip cream and stuff. A lot he turned down. A few things he tried, didn't do it for him. A few things he did like and we still do them. But could use some juicing up again I guess.
> 
> I'll try asking him. See what he says.


Here is another thing to consider... there are three modes of sexuality:

1: Sensation focused (eyes shut and enjoying how something feels as in meditation-like-sex)










2: Partner engagement (awareness of how emotionally connected you are with a partner while being your true self)










3: Roleplay (eyes open fantasy and willing to experience being someone else in order to have fun)










Generally speaking everyone falls into one category and stays there for the most part. Some combinations are incompatible most of the time. Someone wanting (#2) may get upset if their partner (#3) wants them to pretend to be someone different. So if you have offered a wide variety of ideas to your husband, you likely have an idea of what type of mode he functions in sexually. What you should first do is try to understand his mode and how it compliments/interferes with your own mode. Then try to work on the aspects of how each of your modes can compliment each other and be aware of that as a couple. 

If you mentioned stuff that goes outside your boundary, that is most likely the things that go outside of your preferred mode which naturally make you feel uncomfortable. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

PieOhMy said:


> I think he'd like it. I just think it might be hard for him to stick with it because of work. It's a physical job and his boss really stresses him out lately. When he comes home, he just wants to sit.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Since his job is physical, then this may not be a huge benefit. It does wonders for those of us with desk jobs. 

It depends on just how physical his job is, and what kind of exercise one might do outside the job. 

I'm a little lost in that he was accessing porn at work but it's a physical job--those two don't seem to go together.


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## Deperatedwoman

Try with alpharise it helped mine


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## PieOhMy

I think maybe lifting will help him. Not sure if he'll have any more energy than that. 

Well, he has a smartphone and a singular bathroom at work. Done deal i guess. Do you mean how would he be able to have a physical job and hace the energy to masturbate to porn too?

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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

You've been through a lot of hurt with this already. I admire your ability to keep trying after the porn problems. I couldn't. My ex decided that a real woman and foreplay and "work" to make sure I was being pleased too was too much effort when he could just watch a porn and be done in 5 minutes. I couldn't ever get past that time even when he tried later. 

His age, having a physical job already he should have enough T unless there is a medical problem going on. Lifting may help too but a Dr visit is still a good idea.


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## PieOhMy

He said when we close on the new home he will schedule an appointment. That's only 2 weeks away now. 

And yes, it absolutely kills me to think about my husband comparing me to pornstars and saying I should change this and this. It absolutely kills me to think that my husband jerked off to hundreds of other women. I haven't seen another man's junk since we got together except for the ones I care for at work. I don't care what people say...he masturbated to another woman's body that wasn't mine. I guess I was raised more modest, but that's not okay with me. And yes, it killed me. Was very hard to come back from that and to continue being intimate with him. 

But my husband is a good man, and to be honest, I was not always as supportive and available to him at earlier times in our relationship. 

He was not always into porn, he didn't even have the phone to do that or computer to do that. He always shared a bedroom with his little brother...the computer in their home was in the kitchen. We were already married and we still had the button phones with no internet. We didn't get our first smartphones until 2 years into our marriage.

Anyways, all I'm saying is it takes two to tango. My husband's choice to look at porn was his own, but the way I poorly treated him at times is on me. Why stick around when your wife isn't being very nice? I'm not making exscuses, but I've learned that in marriage, you can't always focus on what they're doing, you have to look at yourself too.

Unfortunately, by the time things had gotten better, he was already hooked on porn and I couldn't compete. I think he knows he had to let it go or else our marriage would die or that I would leave him. 

I'm sorry you went through that. It's not easy. Keep your boundaries and stay strong. 

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## why98

Sorry i posted in error


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## Edo Edo

PieOhMy said:


> My husband has been losing his erections lately...and then he has a hard time getting it back up. Started 2 months ago. I can be giving him head and when I come up for a breather, it just plops over and dies. And it can be during sex, while we're changing positions he just loses it. And it's really beginning to be a real bummer in the bedroom. And I think it's killing his ego which only makes it worse. Doesn't happen every time but maybe once a week now.
> 
> In the past he had a bad habit with porn. Stopped being intimate with me, rejected me, and started criticizing my body, weight, clothes, etc. Finally he admitted he was jerking off to porn at work a lot. I don't like porn and I do not support the porn industry. For personal reasons and just morally I don't agree with it. So this crushed me.
> 
> Hubby eventually agreed that it was counterproductive to our relationship and didn't want to hurt me...so he stopped using porn. Took a few tries, but after some months things started getting better and now we are very transparent with our emails, our phones and any electronic accounts, Google, etc. At one point we had apps on our phones that allowed us both to view what the other was doing on our phones. We eventually got rid of it, it was only for the beginning of it. It was more to build trust for me and he said it would help him be more conscious of what he did. Now he says he doesn't even masturbate because he's noticed it effects his performance and he's afraid if he masturbates, he'll be tempted to use porn.
> 
> Up to 2 months ago we had a great sex life. But now he keeps losing his erections. Stress is high, we just purchased a new home. Finances will be tight. My in-laws live overseas in a bad economy, so that stresses hin out mentally and financially. I'm still losing weight, I'm still taking care of myself. We have our fights but things between us are pretty good.
> 
> So...what is it? Stress? Do you think it's porn again? Health related?
> 
> He had bloodwork done in January...he had high cholesterol but otherwise everything was good.
> 
> Is there something else I'm not thinking of?..is it me?
> 
> Really need a guy's perspective.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk



The red flag for me is this comment:
"and now we are very transparent with our emails, our phones and any electronic accounts, Google, etc. "

I obviously don't know you or your husband well enough to say anything for certain. However, I interpret this as your husband being under the radar and monitored constantly. I would become VERY resentful very quickly under such an arrangement - and this could cause me to eventually to become psychologically no longer attracted to my wife (and thus lead to erectile problems). Being under the radar does not foster an atmosphere of trust. Trust is someone keeping their word without their shoulder being looker over constantly. My wife and I have regular disagreements, but TRUST is always there without needing to be verified...

I agree with you that porn usage should not negatively impact sex with your partner. In addition, it's not fair for him to critique your body compared to porn actress'. He's got to keep things in perspective... Other than that, I have no issue with porn usage, nor does my wife. Aside from your husband's physical performance, what is it about porn that you find distasteful enough that you feel the need to control and monitor your husband's activity?

PS: What job does he have that he could masturbate at work? Wish I could get paid for that... Geez...


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## PieOhMy

This is a two way street. We have both lost trust in each other in the past. Not really monitored but both of us have full access to each other's accounts and laptops/tablets. He just asked to look through my phone last week. And I hand it over. I don't care, and he doesn't either. We're trying to build trust. Neither of us want to monitor. Every now and then though, when emotions are running high, we look. To find nothing. And it helps build that trust. If you look at previous posts from a couple years back, you'll see why and how much worse it used to be. 

For the porn...My husband knows why, and he's the only one that needs to know the details. My reasons are based on my personal morals and my own personal experiences, then and now. 

Either way, what works for you and your wife may not work for my husband and I.

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## PieOhMy

P.S. His employer only has 6 people working for him. Small company. Not strict. Like I said, small private bathroom. 

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## Dannip

kenyaone said:


> I concur with you at 28 his sexual appetite ought be at its peak. Check for other factors that affect his esteem in the bedroom.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my TECNO-H3 using Tapatalk


Some guys can be tough guys but one bad comment might ruin his esteem in the sex department. I'd say most likely at his age is porn before you.


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## sokillme

PieOhMy said:


> This is a two way street. We have both lost trust in each other in the past. Not really monitored but both of us have full access to each other's accounts and laptops/tablets. He just asked to look through my phone last week. And I hand it over. I don't care, and he doesn't either. We're trying to build trust. Neither of us want to monitor. Every now and then though, when emotions are running high, we look. To find nothing. And it helps build that trust. If you look at previous posts from a couple years back, you'll see why and how much worse it used to be.
> 
> For the porn...My husband knows why, and he's the only one that needs to know the details. My reasons are based on my personal morals and my own personal experiences, then and now.
> 
> Either way, what works for you and your wife may not work for my husband and I.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


So it's a good idea to read the old posts. 

So from reading your first post here, You then agreed to marry an ex's (a man who was abusive to you) brother for a green card, but feel in love with him. However didn't work out so well as as the ex ended up being jelous of his own brother, and beating your soon to be husband up?

Besides that your husband has hid his porn use from you before. That is not good. I would say it's not out of the question that this could be the problem. It could also be that you guys need to spice it up a little. Or it could be a medical thing. 

How old is your husband?

By the way jacking in the work bathroom is pretty extreme in my mind.


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## Luvher4life

At some point you'll have to back off and take the pressure off your husband. He definitely needs to find a way to alleviate stress by getting his mind off it. An exercise regimen can do that, but some people don't have the motivation or energy to get started, much less maintain it. Like Uhtred posted earlier, ED and stress are a negative psychological feedback loop, and I think the majority of men go through a stage of ED at some point in their life. Here's what he posted, and I couldn't agree more:

_*"One cause of ED is stress. One cause of stress is ED. That can lead to a bad feedback loop where he worries about losing his erection so he does."

*_I think he needs to make sure to rule out any physiological problems with the doctor visit. Have a complete blood screen, including cholesterol, triglycerides, A1C, PSA, AND testosterone levels. You will have to actually ASK for the T levels to be tested.

When he does see the doctor, he needs to get over any embarrassment or shyness, and discuss frankly what is going on with the ED. I can guarantee the doctor has heard this many times over, and has probably gone through it a time or two himself. ASK FOR SAMPLES of any and/or all ED meds to see which one works best. If he is out of samples, ask him to write a prescription for Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis, maybe each one. It is my opinion that all of them will work for your husband but finding the one that works best for him and your particular situation is key. These meds are expensive, but right now you're just checking for effectiveness. There are alternatives to the name brands elsewhere that are lot less expensive. That's for a later discussion.

I think the meds should be a temporary fix until he gets a break in the negative feedback loop. If a man can get EQ back to normal, and sustain it over time, he usually can go without the chemicals.


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## PieOhMy

sokillme said:


> So it's a good idea to read the old posts.
> 
> So from reading your first post here, You then agreed to marry an ex's (a man who was abusive to you) brother for a green card, but feel in love with him. However didn't work out so well as as the ex ended up being jelous of his own brother, and beating your soon to be husband up?
> 
> Besides that your husband has hid his porn use from you before. That is not good. I would say it's not out of the question that this could be the problem. It could also be that you guys need to spice it up a little. Or it could be a medical thing.
> 
> How old is your husband?
> 
> By the way jacking in the work bathroom is pretty extreme in my mind.


Yup. That's correct.

We are both 28. 

Yes, I felt the same way when I found out 

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## PieOhMy

Luvher4life said:


> At some point you'll have to back off and take the pressure off your husband. He definitely needs to find a way to alleviate stress by getting his mind off it. An exercise regimen can do that, but some people don't have the motivation or energy to get started, much less maintain it. Like Uhtred posted earlier, ED and stress are a negative psychological feedback loop, and I think the majority of men go through a stage of ED at some point in their life. Here's what he posted, and I couldn't agree more:
> 
> _*"One cause of ED is stress. One cause of stress is ED. That can lead to a bad feedback loop where he worries about losing his erection so he does."
> 
> *_I think he needs to make sure to rule out any physiological problems with the doctor visit. Have a complete blood screen, including cholesterol, triglycerides, A1C, PSA, AND testosterone levels. You will have to actually ASK for the T levels to be tested.
> 
> When he does see the doctor, he needs to get over any embarrassment or shyness, and discuss frankly what is going on with the ED. I can guarantee the doctor has heard this many times over, and has probably gone through it a time or two himself. ASK FOR SAMPLES of any and/or all ED meds to see which one works best. If he is out of samples, ask him to write a prescription for Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis, maybe each one. It is my opinion that all of them will work for your husband but finding the one that works best for him and your particular situation is key. These meds are expensive, but right now you're just checking for effectiveness. There are alternatives to the name brands elsewhere that are lot less expensive. That's for a later discussion.
> 
> I think the meds should be a temporary fix until he gets a break in the negative feedback loop. If a man can get EQ back to normal, and sustain it over time, he usually can go without the chemicals.


He made an appointment for in 2 weeks. We'll see how it goes. 

What do you mean back off? I haven't bothered him except to ask him about the doctor's visit and what I can do. 

He said he wishes he could go inside. I went off of BC last year because I wanted to get rid of spider veins that started to pop up on my legs, was hoping that would help. I think it's from my job and genetics tho. Not sure. 

He also said he sometimes just wants to have sex. Doesn't want to warm me up. Just sex. Kind of like someone mentioned earlier in the post.

Otherwise, he didn't say anything else but that he thinks he's stressed. If it's porn, I wish he'd stop lying to me. 

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## PieOhMy

Luvher4life said:


> At some point you'll have to back off and take the pressure off your husband. He definitely needs to find a way to alleviate stress by getting his mind off it. An exercise regimen can do that, but some people don't have the motivation or energy to get started, much less maintain it. Like Uhtred posted earlier, ED and stress are a negative psychological feedback loop, and I think the majority of men go through a stage of ED at some point in their life. Here's what he posted, and I couldn't agree more:
> 
> _*"One cause of ED is stress. One cause of stress is ED. That can lead to a bad feedback loop where he worries about losing his erection so he does."
> 
> *_I think he needs to make sure to rule out any physiological problems with the doctor visit. Have a complete blood screen, including cholesterol, triglycerides, A1C, PSA, AND testosterone levels. You will have to actually ASK for the T levels to be tested.
> 
> When he does see the doctor, he needs to get over any embarrassment or shyness, and discuss frankly what is going on with the ED. I can guarantee the doctor has heard this many times over, and has probably gone through it a time or two himself. ASK FOR SAMPLES of any and/or all ED meds to see which one works best. If he is out of samples, ask him to write a prescription for Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis, maybe each one. It is my opinion that all of them will work for your husband but finding the one that works best for him and your particular situation is key. These meds are expensive, but right now you're just checking for effectiveness. There are alternatives to the name brands elsewhere that are lot less expensive. That's for a later discussion.
> 
> I think the meds should be a temporary fix until he gets a break in the negative feedback loop. If a man can get EQ back to normal, and sustain it over time, he usually can go without the chemicals.


That might work for him...if he wants to do it lol. Hubby is not for taking any medications and stuff. He will if he really has to but his pride might get him here. I don't know. 

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## PieOhMy

Dannip said:


> Some guys can be tough guys but one bad comment might ruin his esteem in the sex department. I'd say most likely at his age is porn before you.


Yay, so excitedddd. Lol jk. 

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## Vinnydee

I know the problem. When I was masturbating to porn as much as 5 times a day, I lost my erection when having sex with my wife too. How could she compete with what I saw online. More and more extreme porn until regular sex did not stimulate me at all. My wife felt that I no longer found her attractive and was sad. I had to come clean and tell her that I was masturbating too much. Our solution is not one that I am suggesting to anyone but is gaining in popularity due to this particular problem. We got into Teasing and Denial using a chastity device that my wife had the key too. Sex became all about her pleasure and she keeps me sexually aroused all the time until she is ready to let me orgasm. Getting erect is no longer a problem after a few weeks of orgasm denial. We have been doing this for over 4 years and my wife is having some of the most intense orgasms of her life at the age of 65. Multiple ones too. When I am finally allowed to orgasm it is spectacular. What we do is almost like tantric sex.

If you Google it, most of the places that pop up make it about female domination and male slaves. We do not do it that way. Many who try this fetish do so for the same problem your husband and myself has. It works and it works well for us. As a bonus since I do not get to orgasm every time we have sex, I am more attentive to my wife and focus on her sexual pleasure. She feels like the most desirable woman in the world right now due to the attention I give her. We have also become much more intimate in bed. Sex is no longer about making me orgasm. We kiss and touch much longer. It has transformed our sex life. We were never into vanilla sex so it was easy for us to try this fetish that I once called stupid. I have not masturbated without supervision for almost 5 years. I still look at porn but all that does is make me want my wife more since I no longer masturbate.


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## Luvher4life

PieOhMy said:


> He made an appointment for in 2 weeks. We'll see how it goes.
> 
> What do you mean back off? I haven't bothered him except to ask him about the doctor's visit and what I can do.
> 
> He said he wishes he could go inside. I went off of BC last year because I wanted to get rid of spider veins that started to pop up on my legs, was hoping that would help. I think it's from my job and genetics tho. Not sure.
> 
> He also said he sometimes just wants to have sex. Doesn't want to warm me up. Just sex. Kind of like someone mentioned earlier in the post.
> 
> Otherwise, he didn't say anything else but that he thinks he's stressed. If it's porn, I wish he'd stop lying to me.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


He likely feels pressure when you initiate, and you stated you are usually the one that initiates. You can still be playful with him, just let him make the decision to go through with a session or not. He really needs to get his mind off things and just relax, go with the flow. No expectations is what he needs to feel right now, or the negative feedback loop will continue until he gets help.

Another thing I didn't bring up was, he may be having a sensitivity problem. This can be caused by what is called "the death grip" during masturbation. If he was masturbating to porn in the past, this can still be a problem because it decreases sensitivity to normal stimulation. He likely needs to refrain from masturbation altogether at least for a time to get the sensitivity back. ED meds definitely help with this also.

I don't know your husband, so I can't say he is using porn again or not. If you do trust that he isn't, and there is no evidence to the contrary, I wouldn't sweat it. I would check on it from time to time like you have been. As with any addiction, it is tough to kick the habit.


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## Luvher4life

PieOhMy said:


> That might work for him...if he wants to do it lol. Hubby is not for taking any medications and stuff. He will if he really has to but his pride might get him here. I don't know.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


I'm pretty sure it will IF he can get past the stigma he associates with being on meds. Medications are made to alleviate, or even FIX problems when they arise. It's either his PRIDE (which is unfounded) or his wife's happiness. He will likely find that making his wife happy will make him happy.


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## PieOhMy

Vinnydee said:


> I know the problem. When I was masturbating to porn as much as 5 times a day, I lost my erection when having sex with my wife too. How could she compete with what I saw online. More and more extreme porn until regular sex did not stimulate me at all. My wife felt that I no longer found her attractive and was sad. I had to come clean and tell her that I was masturbating too much. Our solution is not one that I am suggesting to anyone but is gaining in popularity due to this particular problem. We got into Teasing and Denial using a chastity device that my wife had the key too. Sex became all about her pleasure and she keeps me sexually aroused all the time until she is ready to let me orgasm. Getting erect is no longer a problem after a few weeks of orgasm denial. We have been doing this for over 4 years and my wife is having some of the most intense orgasms of her life at the age of 65. Multiple ones too. When I am finally allowed to orgasm it is spectacular. What we do is almost like tantric sex.
> 
> If you Google it, most of the places that pop up make it about female domination and male slaves. We do not do it that way. Many who try this fetish do so for the same problem your husband and myself has. It works and it works well for us. As a bonus since I do not get to orgasm every time we have sex, I am more attentive to my wife and focus on her sexual pleasure. She feels like the most desirable woman in the world right now due to the attention I give her. We have also become much more intimate in bed. Sex is no longer about making me orgasm. We kiss and touch much longer. It has transformed our sex life. We were never into vanilla sex so it was easy for us to try this fetish that I once called stupid. I have not masturbated without supervision for almost 5 years. I still look at porn but all that does is make me want my wife more since I no longer masturbate.


This is interesting...I have to look into this. 

I'm always up to trying new things in the bedroom. 

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## PieOhMy

Luvher4life said:


> He likely feels pressure when you initiate, and you stated you are usually the one that initiates. You can still be playful with him, just let him make the decision to go through with a session or not. He really needs to get his mind off things and just relax, go with the flow. No expectations is what he needs to feel right now, or the negative feedback loop will continue until he gets help.
> 
> Another thing I didn't bring up was, he may be having a sensitivity problem. This can be caused by what is called "the death grip" during masturbation. If he was masturbating to porn in the past, this can still be a problem because it decreases sensitivity to normal stimulation. He likely needs to refrain from masturbation altogether at least for a time to get the sensitivity back. ED meds definitely help with this also.
> 
> I don't know your husband, so I can't say he is using porn again or not. If you do trust that he isn't, and there is no evidence to the contrary, I wouldn't sweat it. I would check on it from time to time like you have been. As with any addiction, it is tough to kick the habit.


Well this past week I've been more like asking instead of just initiating. Maybe I should step back more. He was successful earlier today. But it's also been over a week since our last successful attempt.

Maybe he is masturbating or using porn. Although I'm not for it, if it's something he's truly fighting to stop, I would be supportive. He's told me he genuinely wanted to stop, that he feels like it interferes with his performance and he doesn't want to hurt me or our marriage. So thats what I'm going with unless there's good reason or evidence that proves otherwise. 

Maybe I'm too trustworthy or naive. 

I do feel really bad for him, he seems really stressed with work and his parents lately.

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## PieOhMy

Luvher4life said:


> I'm pretty sure it will IF he can get past the stigma he associates with being on meds. Medications are made to alleviate, or even FIX problems when they arise. It's either his PRIDE (which is unfounded) or his wife's happiness. He will likely find that making his wife happy will make him happy.


I hope! At least try it.

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## Moliverna

Have him go to a urologist and they'll put him on testosterone. Be careful what you wish for though lol

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## PieOhMy

Moliverna said:


> Have him go to a urologist and they'll put him on testosterone. Be careful what you wish for though lol
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


Lol why do you say that?

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## Moliverna

PieOhMy said:


> Lol why do you say that?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Because you won't be able to keep him off you after he starts that. My wife prays for a break lol

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## PieOhMy

Moliverna said:


> Because you won't be able to keep him off you after he starts that. My wife prays for a break lol
> 
> Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


That would be awesome lol. It's hard to find friends to discuss it with because most of my girlfriends are in your wife's shoes. Not vice versa. 

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## Moliverna

I take it for low test levels due to long term opiod use for spinal disaster in my low back. 

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## Moliverna

Oh I'm glad to help. He will enjoy it as well. Older people with ed take it because they're low even though it's normal to be low when older. It sucks being low. My joints hurt when I'm low. 

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## Moliverna

If hed not scared of needles he can take it at home like I do. Otherwise hed need to go in for a shot every 2 weeks. There is a patch but I recommend injection. 

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## TheTruthHurts

.


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## Deperatedwoman

Lifting is a good idea! my husband had those problems because of different reasons (BPH and stress) and visiting a doctor is always the best option.. the dr recommended him to workout, relax, alpharise and eat healthy


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## TX-SC

If he has low T, then T therapy can help a lot. I'm 48 but while being on T I'm like a 20 year old, getting horny just being NEAR my wife.


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## PieOhMy

TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw men can still orgasm while limp. So if you're giving head and he loses his erection there is no need to stop. If you act as though you are still turned on and continue it may reduce the stress and allow him to get erect again
> 
> Have you tried anything as extreme as humiliation? Sometimes jealousy can trigger feelings similar to the lust we feel at the start of a relationship - uncertainty in ourselves which can be exhilarating. So, strangely, SPH type fetishes arise that create strong arousal. Similarly, mocking someone (in dom roleplay) for being too limp to please a "real woman" can be arousing. This is an extreme idea only that should never be done unless this has come up in discussion before
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I did!! It didn't work!  

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## PieOhMy

I guess we will find out in a couple weeks. 

Maybe he does have low T. I mean... that may explain a lot. When we were just friends, he used to say he didn't always feel like sex was a priority. I had more sex partners than he did, I was definitely more experienced too. I definitely initiated a lot then too. I always said that if I stopped initiating we'd only have sex like once a week (I'm a 3x a week kinda gal, at least). But I always thought maybe it was his culture or never having any privacy until he moved in with me. 

He still swears to this day that when he was masturbating/using porn, he was only doing it a couple times a week. 

I guess I'm just used to the whole, "Every man wants sex all the time. Every man masturbates all the time." 

He makes me feel like some kinda ****ty sex kitten cause I'm constantly flirting and touching and, although there was a time I was always being rejected because he was "tired," I still get rejected at least twice a week or get a "maybe later" and then he passes out an hour later. 

Sorry. Just venting. Expressing it here instead of with hubby.

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## spawn2031

Ok, I dont know if your husband is anything at all like me but if he is then all of the upcoming financial issues and stress could really be contributing here or at least started the issue. When I have a stressful situation looming in front of me that would be really big like the upcoming change you described, sometimes my mind will obsess on it. I think about every aspect of it so I am prepared and know how to react but I'm not entirely in control of when and how much I think on it. Because of that racing mind, it can come out and has come out at some of the most inopportune times without warning and without anything prompting it. If that happens and I can get distracted and if stimulation stops I can instantly drop. Perhaps this is happening to him? Perhaps it only happened a few times for that reason but now since the initial problem caused ED now he's concerned the ED is going to happen again and is concentrating on trying to keep that from happening. Of course it doesn't mater if it's worrying about his ED or any other stressful thing, it causes the same issue, him not being in the moment, being distracted and loosing the erection. That can easily begin a never ending cycle especially if he doesn't know what caused it in the first place.

I would trust him about the porn. If what I described above is happening to him, the last thing he needs right now is his wife not trusting him too. It'll just make it worse.


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## TheTruthHurts

.


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## PloyDome

Too young. Shouldn't be happening.


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## NickyT

If health issues have been eliminated, it seems like he is masturbating enough that when he gets with you it is affecting his performance.

NOT time for viagra.


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## JayDee7

At that age it's likely stress, or he's masturbating too often. Ask him.


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## marriageontherocks2

He needs to see a doctor, at 26 I could jerk off to porn for 5 hours then screw my wife for another 5, even at 39 I can jerk off to porn 2 times during the day then make love to my wife for an hour and go twice. At his age I think it has to be something physically going on with him.


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## Steve2.0

He could be back on porn.. its been known to cause ED (see yourbrainonporn.com for more scientific details)

It could be diet related... Unhealthy fats + sugars is a sure way to mess up your whole system. Veggies and healthy fats should be manditory

Or it could be some other weird condition that requires medical attention.... but i bet you its one of these ^^^^^^


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## Steve2.0

badsanta said:


> Taking that away may have caused him to shut down a significant part of his sexuality that is driven by curiosity to explore and learn and rewarded with novelty that porn is generally good at providing. In the overall scheme of things, porn is a powerful sexual stimulant mentally.


I think you are close, but not 100% accurate.

Porn creates an ever-increasing desire for something NEW and SHOCKING in order to get your dopamine dump. Ever jerk off to the same video more than 3x?? i bet you that you havent (unless adding significant time between watches)

Porn CREATES that 'curiosity' and 'reward' but its not natural or healthy. It creates new connections in your brain that thrive on it and diminish real world sex.

After 3 months (as per yourbrainonporn.com) you can reboot your system and move away from the addition... although the neurological paths are now hardwired and a return to porn is more likely.

Read the site (yourbrainonporn) and you will see scientific research that shows porn is detrimental for a successful sexual relationship with a partner. I know, b/c I experienced it first hand


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## badsanta

Steve2.0 said:


> I think you are close, but not 100% accurate.
> 
> Porn creates an ever-increasing desire for something NEW and SHOCKING in order to get your dopamine dump. Ever jerk off to the same video more than 3x?? i bet you that you havent (unless adding significant time between watches)
> 
> Porn CREATES that 'curiosity' and 'reward' but its not natural or healthy. It creates new connections in your brain that thrive on it and diminish real world sex.
> 
> After 3 months (as per yourbrainonporn.com) you can reboot your system and move away from the addition... although the neurological paths are now hardwired and a return to porn is more likely.
> 
> Read the site (yourbrainonporn) and you will see scientific research that shows porn is detrimental for a successful sexual relationship with a partner. I know, b/c I experienced it first hand



The people that created yourbrainonporn also created reuniting.info which very strongly advocates for couples to adopt a lovemaking style called "karezza." This is a style in which both male and females give up orgasms indefinitely in order to avoid the "coolidge" effect in which couples gradually loose sexual interest for one another. I spent a year or so on those sights long long ago and I am extremely familiar with them. What is not readily obvious is that "yourbrainonporn" is modeled after the techniques and science of karezza. 

_Stop porn for three months and reboot your sexuality.

Stop orgasms for three months and reboot your attraction for your spouse

Don't orgasm ever again and you will be madly in love forever! _


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## Steve2.0

badsanta said:


> The people that created yourbrainonporn also created reuniting.info which very strongly advocates for couples to adopt a lovemaking style called "karezza." This is a style in which both male and females give up orgasms indefinitely in order to avoid the "coolidge" effect in which couples gradually loose sexual interest for one another. I spent a year or so on those sights long long ago and I am extremely familiar with them. What is not readily obvious is that "yourbrainonporn" is modeled after the techniques and science of karezza.
> 
> _Stop porn for three months and reboot your sexuality.
> 
> Stop orgasms for three months and reboot your attraction for your spouse
> 
> Don't orgasm ever again and you will be madly in love forever! _


I stand corrected. I see you already delved into this topic heavier than me. So tell me, has other research shown anything to be correct with what i quoted? ie, Porn use escalates and desensitized sexual appetite with partner?


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## badsanta

Steve2.0 said:


> I stand corrected. I see you already delved into this topic heavier than me. So tell me, has other research shown anything to be correct with what i quoted? ie, Porn use escalates and desensitized sexual appetite with partner?


Generally speaking porn can be "over stimulating" which can allow one to achieve more pleasure than perhaps the body was meant to achieve on a normal basis. The result is that it can leave one's body numb to what would otherwise be normal. 

Kinda of like going to rock concerts repeatedly during the week. Then afterwards you notice that you are experiencing temporary hearing loss as people try to talk to you and you have to ask them to speak up and talk louder.

At a concert you can simply wear ear plugs to prevent over stimulating your ears. Is there an equivalent way to prevent porn from overstimulating oneself? ....let go of the shame and you take away the adrenaline! 

It is NOT necessarily the porn that gets you but more so the shame associated with hiding it that creates a huge overstimulating adrenaline rush. If one can be completely open with a spouse about what they view and how you react to what you see in porn, it removes all the shame. Then afterwards porn actually becomes rather lame. It is hard to understand this unless you experience it. In comparison having a spouse that loves and accepts you even though you are not perfect becomes so profound it is impossible to even get close to imagining what that can make intimacy feel like... 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Talker67

have not read the whole thread. but is he taking any prescription drugs, and even over the counter supplements? if so list them here.

also is he under a lot of stress at work?

the ability to get hard, but then it goes soft, indicates sometihng called Veinous leakage. See a urologist, they can ultrasound him and see if there is a leak somewhere


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## Mr. Nail

I always figured that If I could manage to stop orgasms for 3 months, I wouldn't have any interest ever again. Three days is a challenge, Three weeks is almost impossible but I think I've done it 3 or 4 times in my life. Three months, I'll need to reserve a plot at boot hill.


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## dadstartingover

PieOhMy said:


> I don't like porn and I do not support the porn industry. For personal reasons and just morally I don't agree with it. So this crushed me.


Yeah, but he likes porn. Why? I agree, porn usage can slip into addiction territory for a lot of men. The problem is that nobody ever looks at why he jumped on it in the first place. You shaming him for it ain't the answer.



PieOhMy said:


> Hubby eventually agreed that it was counterproductive to our relationship and didn't want to hurt me...so he stopped using porn. Took a few tries, but after some months things started getting better and now we are very transparent with our emails, our phones and any electronic accounts, Google, etc. At one point we had apps on our phones that allowed us both to view what the other was doing on our phones.


Yeah, that's sexy.



PieOhMy said:


> We eventually got rid of it, it was only for the beginning of it. It was more to build trust for me and he said it would help him be more conscious of what he did. Now he says he doesn't even masturbate because he's noticed it effects his performance and he's afraid if he masturbates, he'll be tempted to use porn.



He's masturbating.




PieOhMy said:


> He had bloodwork done in January...he had high cholesterol but otherwise everything was good.


Testosterone numbers? Estrogen?



PieOhMy said:


> Is there something else I'm not thinking of?..is it me?
> 
> Really need a guy's perspective.


You are a woman. You're the woman he loves. You're his romantic partner. Nagging, shaming, checking his phone, etc... all are not things he wants from his lover. You know what my wife and I do? We watch porn together. We send each other links. We say things like "Oh, let's do THIS on Saturday!" or "Oh, we've done that one before. Remember? New York City last year..." 

The theme of porn for ME, is "something that turns me on that I share with my wife and makes her that much sexier". Guess what? I rarely look at it. When I do, it's to hunt for something I can send to her. Seriously. It's all about how you frame it.

With that being said, as sexual as my wife and I are... if she goes on one of her nagging tirades or is overall negative about whatever little thing she feels is important at that moment, there ain't NOTHING going on downstairs for me. Instant turn off. And I'm shooting testosterone in my butt and have the raging libido of a 17 year old. 

Just food for thought.


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