# what to do next?



## havehope (Jul 5, 2011)

Hello all, i'm new here and hardly ever post on forums so bear with me. My wife and i have been married for 13 years and together for 5 years before that. We have 3 children ages 5, 9, and 10. Always thought we had a good marriage although we did argue occasionally, but doesn't everyone.

We have been seperated for almost 3 months now. Before that she had left for one night and came back for a month and then left again. Before that I thought things were fine and there was never any mention of her being unhappy. We had started arguing more frequently. 

When she left she told me I never trusted her, was controlling, jealous, and she never new what mood i would be in when she got home. I owned up to all that she said. I went to the Dr.s the next morning and was put on antidepresants. This has ended my mood swings. She started IC during the month she came back. After she left for this last time i started counsiling and have had 9 sessions. She did admit to me that there was another man she had been talking to from work. Nothing physical just talking. She said she had told him they couldn't be friends anymore and she had broke it off.

Things seemed to be going good for the last month and i was following my therapists advise and changing myself with hopes she could see it. We see each other pretty much everyday with the kids having ball games 4 nights of the week. 

She has been living with her mom in a 1 bedroom apt. she sleeps on the couch. She told me Friday in a text that she had looked at an apartment and thought she would take it. This was a huge blow to me as I thought things were improving. She told me she has noticed a change in me but she feels differantly now. She also adimitted to talking to the OM occaisionally. I think they talk more than occaisionally.

I don't want to give up on her and let this tear my family apart as I still love her very much but I also don't know how long to fight for her. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading.


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

Is she willing to do marriage counseling. I am also new here and I know that I have no true advice to give or I would not be here but my first thought is that with marriage counseling you can at least begin to communicate differently with one another.


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## havehope (Jul 5, 2011)

I haven't asked her to do MC in awhile as I follow the advice of my therapist who said we need to work on me first and then we will try to get her in. I thought we might be getting close to asking her with all the good signs I thought I was getting from her. After Friday's misshap I'm not so sure.


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

My husband and I when this first started thought that since he was feeling lost and had no self-esteem that he should begin counseling first to get an idea of why he felt that way before we started marriage counseling. For us it only made things worse..... Seven weeks ago is the first we talked about his feelings and a week ago he moved out. I realized that for us we absolutely have to get in front of a marriage counselor.... It was a mistake for me to think he could work on this and then we would work on us. I think he saw no hope. I don't know if your wife feels the same way but I think having a connection with an MC can help keep things from moving too far in the wrong direction. Some people cannot stand to be left in tandem and need to make progress in any direction. Ask her again if she is willing to commit to MC, it might be what she needs to not move away from you.


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## havehope (Jul 5, 2011)

I did tell her in a heated argument Friday that she was going to have to explain her reasons for leaving to my therapist so that he can better explain it to me. This was one of the ways he suggested getting her into talking to him as he would be willing to do the MC. I think if she did agree to go to MC she would want to find a new therapist. I know I wouldn't go to the one she went to because she didn't seem to have the best intrest of the marriage in mind.


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

I can understand why she would be hesitant to go to your IC for MC. Try and choose one together if possible or ask your IC for a referral list.


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## havehope (Jul 5, 2011)

I can totally understand wanting a new MC and i'm fine with that as long as she is willing to go. I'm just confused as to why she is willing to give up on her family so easily. It's almost as though she is someone different. I know the woman I married is still there as i've seen her come out many times lately. It almost seems as though someone else is telling her things will be better on her own. All this is so unlike her, goes against all she has stood for in the past. I'm afraid there is more going on in her head than she wants to admit. Her dad died two years ago and this is also how long she says she has felt different. It was very hard on her and I thought I was there for her but wonder if I should have gotten her help then.


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## havehope (Jul 5, 2011)

Well today's a new day and i'm looking for new ideas to help. I'm not ready to give up yet. Can't really do the no contact thing with 3 kids. I did try not texting or calling her first and during that week she would always find reasons to contact me. I seen this as a good sign and started to contact her more often. After kid's ball games we would get something to eat and have a nice conversation. She has been out every sunday for dinner and stay the afternoon. During the week she often stops after work and hangs out and eats with us. While here she picks up around the house and is still paying the bills she has always paid. She buys groceries every other week. 

Although we have had no physical contact, other than a hug a couple weeks ago, there has been times I could tell she wanted to.

I truely don't know where to go from here. I do know I don't want to raise my kids this way and can't see myself without her in the future. I believe something is going to happen and she is going to realize what she is doing is not like her. When this happens I think she will regret her decisions and I don't want it to be too late for us. I know when she left it woke me up to how I had been treating her and the kids. I have since changed the way I was and regret so many things about the way I had become. I feel like her getting her own apartment has made me loose more hope about our future but maybe it is a good thing and she will start realizing the grass isn't greener on the other side. She really hasn't been on her own yet as she has been living with her mom and she has been doing everything for her.

Anyone have any advice for someone this confused?


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## havehope (Jul 5, 2011)

I think she went to sign a lease on an apartment today. I know this is not a good sign and it hurts alot. I still want to believe there is hope but i don't know. She took the kids camping this weekend and the OM was out there as well. Kids told me he came around a couple of times. Am I wrong for thinking this is totally unexceptable? I want to confront him and tell him to back off but I don't know how much I will be able to control myself.


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