# Have You Ever Asked Your Spouse To Mate Guard?



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Let me explain why I ask...

My wife and I are going upstate over the 4th of July to attend an annual "Red, White and Blues" festival, right? Well...There will be a couple there that we've known for years. The last time we were all together at the event, the wife made a rather overt move toward me (it seemed overt to me...touching my arm and commenting on my size and working out) that left me rather uncomfortable. Nothing ever happened, but I did tell my wife about it...she was there when it happened but she was engaged in conversation with the husband and didn't really notice the "move".

Anyway, so they're going to be there at this event and they both expressed how they want to "catch up" on what everyone has been doing. I'm going to say it now...

I'm nervous. I won't do anything, but I really don't look forward to "her" trying anything like last time. So I ask...

I've already told my wife that I hope Lorie doesn't do anything, but is it unreasonable to ask my wife that if something does happen, would she mind putting her in her place or would it be better if I handle it (if it does happen) myself by politely asking her to not act that way toward me?

Or am I just "spinning" because I'm worried?


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

When I was in a relationship. (For 25 years) I never once asked my SO to intervene. I always stood my ground and confidently, made it clear I was taken.

I'm not sure why but I always interpreted the idea of a mate stepping in as the person not being strong enough to stand up for themselves.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I can handle it. In the event that she attempts another stunt like this, I'll just tell her I'm not interested (and please don't try it again) and then tell my wife. Whatever she decides to do then will be up to her. Thanks C4M


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> I'm not sure why but I always interpreted the idea of a mate stepping in as the person not being strong enough to stand up for themselves.


This is all just new to me and I'm trying. I'm developing new coping skills and ways to scrutinize my feelings and behavior, but like I said...I'm only 6 months in to my therapy and I'm scared sh*tless. Maybe the fear is a good thing and keeps me on my toes though. thanks again.


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> The last time we were all together at the event, the wife made a rather overt move toward me (it seemed overt to me...touching my arm and commenting on my size and working out) that left me rather uncomfortable.


Here are some suggestions if it happens again: The easiest way I've handled this is to insert spouses name the moment I'm uncomfortable. 

So in this case "that's for the compliment, I know (insert wife's name) really likes the results of my working out". Just shows that you are into your wife and what she thinks more than the person making the pass. 

If that doesn't shut her down, Then you go more direct, "thanks for the compliment, (pulling arm away) I'm sorry I'm really weird about people touching me who aren't my wife. (Jokingly) I have issues I know." 

If that doesn't work then you have to be very direct and it gets uncomfortable. "Thanks for the compliment, could you please not touch me I think it's inappropriate" that approach usually means they are too embarrassed to ever talk to you again. Yikes!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

We haven't ever really engaged in it but I can see where it might be desirable when recovering from an affair.

We are pretty confident though and would probably only get upset if either of us was behaving inappropriately.

I have been handled and flirted with by Mrs. Conan's sisters. She didn't mind and I was behaving myself.

I'm a little frightening so Mrs. Conan doesn't get unwanted attention unless I'm not around. She gets hit on and flirted with when I'm not in sight but she has titanium boundaries. 

Does attention from this woman give you anxiety? How about your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

MountainRunner said:


> There will be a couple there that we've known for years. The last time we were all together at the event, the wife made a rather overt move toward me (it seemed overt to me...touching my arm and commenting on my size and working out) that left me rather uncomfortable. Nothing ever happened, but I did tell my wife about it...she was there when it happened but she was engaged in conversation with the husband and didn't really notice the "move".


What I do in circumstances like this is to step back to effectively remove the touch and begin talking up my wife. If they really are flirting this will kill the mood and it sends a signal to your priorities. It also helps to do a bit of PDA with your wife to show who you are interested in.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Thanks for the replies and suggestion(s) my friends. I'm probably worrying over nothing and I'm sure I'll be fine. If in the event that she does make another move, I will handle it as politely as I can, but if she continues to pursue, I will be a bit more direct and ask how Andre (her husband) would feel about her behaving in this manner. I will tell my wife if it does happen of course.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> When I was in a relationship. (For 25 years) I never once asked my SO to intervene. I always stood my ground and confidently, made it clear I was taken.
> 
> I'm not sure why but I always interpreted the idea of a mate stepping in as the person not being strong enough to stand up for themselves.


A lot of female predators would interpret your wife's intervention as she is insecure because your wife knows that you're open to playing around. It's really a lose lose proposition.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> A lot of female predators would interpret your wife's intervention as she is insecure because your wife knows that you're open to playing around. It's really a lose lose proposition.


Good point...Best to handle it myself...But let her know if it happens, right? No brainer there.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MountainRunner said:


> Good point...Best to handle it myself...*But let her know if it happens, right?* No brainer there.


of course. And if this woman insists on hovering over you, go get your wife..... in real time.


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> of course. And if this woman insists on hovering over you, go get your wife..... in real time.


Yep, nothing says your less important than my wife than choosing your wife's company over hers overtly.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MR, 

I was married for 15 years to my exH and for 10 years now to Dear Hubby. If one of his buddies made a move on me, I wouldn't be polite about it at all. I would let them know in no uncertain terms that they are my hubby's FRIEND and that FRIENDS do not actively try to make a pass or break up marriages: their own or mine! So BACK THE HELL OFF now and don't every do it again, and we'll be cool. Keep it up and there won't be a friendship any longer. 

I don't think I'd need hubby's help to "handle it" but I sure as heck would tell him, and if he wanted to step in and "defend me" I also sure wouldn't stop him from making sure his "territory" was clear. LOL I mean let's be honest, if a guy sort of steps in and says, "BACK OFF she's mine" it is a little flattering. Thus if your wife wanted to step and tell the other lady "BACK OFF catty, he's mine" it might be empowering for her and flattering for you.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Good point...Best to handle it myself...But let her know if it happens, right? No brainer there.



It might also send a subtle signal to your wife that you don't feel confident in your own ability to shut her down. Just my first thought upon reading. If I were in her shoes I would wonder how you'd handle things if she wasn't around. Plus it will make the day a bit uncomfortable for her watching you both like a hawk. 

You can handle it.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Hey MR if this woman really pushes it you might want to point out your wife is a Latina. Not that I would hit on any woman's H, but I would avoid a Latinas man like Herpes, lol. I value my hair and eyes too much. It might be a light hearted way to get her to back off.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Hey MR if this woman really pushes it you might want to *point out your wife is a Latina. Not that I would hit on any woman's H, but I would avoid a Latinas man like Herpes, lol. I value my hair and eyes too much. * It might be a light hearted way to get her to back off.


LOL! I know, right? I do love my women firey hot.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Being all over your wife will probably put a damper on it! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Being all over your wife will probably put a damper on it! LOL!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Indeed...I plan on being attached at the hip. Something tells me that she is going to like it that way anyway, ya know?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MountainRunner said:


> Indeed...I plan on being attached at the hip. Something tells me that she is going to like it that way anyway, ya know?



This is good because if the barracuda knows that you've strayed before, she will expect you to do it again. Andmay consider it an insult when the answer is no.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Just wear a fanny pack, black socks and mandals...Triple woman repellant.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If she touches you, stare at her hand and then move away. Do not make eye contact. Don't immediately cozy up to your wife as this will be interpreted as "oh, it's because the wife's here". You want to give her the impression that you wouldn't have her on a silver platter.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You should take care of it politely but firmly. Don't ask your wife to help out, as that signals weakness, which is not attractive in a man.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

First I would question whether or not this woman is being flirty or not. Over the years, I've know several people who have different definitions of physical space than what would be considered the "societal norm" for the area I am in. Usually this is the result of upbringing, or they are transplants from a different area where physical space definitions are different. For example, I have a female friend from down south who will touch your arm and call you "sweetie". But she does it to all her friends. So its just the way she is.

In her mind, she may have genuinely been attempting to pay you a compliment.

Now, of course, only you were there, so truthfully all you have are her vocal intonations, physical appearance, look in her eye, etc. to gauge whether she was being "flirty" (e.g. huskier than normal voice, pouty lips, firm, erect nipples) or if she was just attempting to pay you a compliment, but in a way which backfired -- keep in mind she may pay her husband compliments the same way, its how they "work" for him, and as such she assumes other men take compliments the same way.

It was something which truly made me uncomfortable, I would simply take her hand, remove it from my pulsing bicep, and say "excuse me" while looking her straight in the eye to clearly express my distaste of her invasion of my personal space. Optionally, if you feel it necessary, you could add more, e.g. "I do not like people touching me", "I do not like my personal space invaded", etc. but usually removing the method I described above clearly communicates a message of "not interested".

As technovelist said, the true alpha male does not need to run to his wife for protection (e.g. my mommy always fights my battles for me.)


----------



## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I have two answers, firstly some things are just beyond my perception. Sometimes I am just a dumb male. My wife is from another country/culture. The cultural styles so different I sometimes can't see flirting. That sounds weird to type, but it was true. My wife once suddenly appeared between me and a female I was talking to. My wife was breathing fire and ready to fight her. I honestly hadn't seen any flirting behaviour. Thankfully I had not responded as I hadn't seen anything, and the fire was all directed at a retreating female. I tried to get my wife to explain/demonstrate the flirting, without success. So, in that case, I told her if it ever happens again, do the same mate guarding.

I mentioned this to a fellow Aussie, who said he had similar problems. He taught English classes. He puts up a picture of his wife at the start of every lesson. Even a photo can mate guard.

Both of our wives are like firey Latinos with carving knives. Trying to stop them mate guarding would be stupid.

Having said all that though, if I percieve it then I fix it, quickly. No mate guarding is needed. MountainRunner, I don't know your story, or what you are worried about. But you are the best one to fix this. You must be quick and decisive. The earlier the shutdown happens the less response is needed. 

Here in Australia we have many cultures and many different ideas of personal space, greetings styles etc. Some innocent interactions may be perceived as flirting. For example, is a full body hug a way of saying hello, or is it just a chance for a grope. Again as a dumb male I may never know the answer. If I think someone crosses the line, I finish it quickly. If done early a glance of disapproval is all that's needed.


----------

