# I am confused about my husband



## Debbiedowner

Hello everyone. My husband has been getting bad ideas from his dad. One's like, " Hide your retirement from your wife, and this is how." Wife as in being me. Hiding my things, like things I use. I am thinking to make me think I am senile? I don't know. Not letting me know where his money goes. Missing money, from what I can figure. He is always trying to find out where my money is going and how much I get. I stopped letting him in on my money when he stopped sharing his. Its like, he replaced me with his dad. His dad had hardly nothing to do with him for 30 years. Now he needs my husband to partially take care of him. He has also said things like my children are not his. Only his are his. When we had shared our children as they are all of ours. The list goes on, of the way my husband has changed I don't know him anymore and after 32 years of marriage I am thinking about divorse. Any one have any ideas on how to fix or help with this. I just don't know.


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## Anastasia6

OP Sorry you find yourself here. It does appear that your husband is changing. This may be simply the Dad being a bad influence or other things like and affair or impending divorce.

So 32 years is a long time to be married. Do you two have separate finances?

Do you have any children together?

How often does he hang out with his Dad. Many children who are abandoned spend a life time trying to find that approval they missed when a child and feel constantly like they aren't good enough. How long has Dad been back? It seems like he is trying to impress Dad. But don't dismiss other things as well.

How has affection been in your relationship? Any noticeable changes? Has sex declined? Does your husband disappear without you knowing where he is?


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## Debbiedowner

Anastasia6 said:


> OP Sorry you find yourself here. It does appear that your husband is changing. This may be simply the Dad being a bad influence or other things like and affair or impending divorce.
> 
> So 32 years is a long time to be married. Do you two have separate finances?
> 
> Do you have any children together?
> 
> How often does he hang out with his Dad. Many children who are abandoned spend a life time trying to find that approval they missed when a child and feel constantly like they aren't good enough. How long has Dad been back? It seems like he is trying to impress Dad. But don't dismiss other things as well.
> 
> How has affection been in your relationship? Any noticeable changes? Has sex declined? Does your husband disappear without you knowing where he is?


Yes we have separate finances. We used to share together. I have 3 boys from a previous marriage and he had 1 boy and 1 girl. That I raised till his x and mother talked them into going with his x. Now they both went to meth like her, one recovering now after 8 years in prison and the other wondering around on it. And that is a whole other story, that I had to deal with he ran from. We have none together. We agreed long ago we would treat each others like our own. I know I did, till they left knowing no rules at the x's house. We have an intimate relationship for 7 years of the marrage then he stopped due to diabetes medication. He goes to his Dads once a month for like 2-3 days. When he gets paid and comes home almost broke. His dad does not gamble nor him.


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## thunderchad

Maybe he knows you are thinking about divorce and he's trying to protect his finances. And unless he adopted them they are legally just your kids. He talks like someone who wants a divorce or knows one is coming.


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## Debbiedowner

thunderchad said:


> Maybe he knows you are thinking about divorce and he's trying to protect his finances. And unless he adopted them they are legally just your kids. He talks like someone who wants a divorce or knows one is coming.


Out of arguing at times it has come up.


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## Debbiedowner

Well, He doesn't like that I am a family person. He used to be to. But he just stopped or our interpitation of "family person" was different all along.


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## *Deidre*

Sorry this is happening.  So, you’re working and making your own money?


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## Young at Heart

Debbiedowner said:


> Hello everyone. My husband has been getting bad ideas from his dad. One's like, " Hide your retirement from your wife, and this is how." Wife as in being me. Hiding my things, like things I use. I am thinking to make me think I am senile? I don't know. Not letting me know where his money goes. Missing money, from what I can figure. He is always trying to find out where my money is going and how much I get. I stopped letting him in on my money when he stopped sharing his. Its like, he replaced me with his dad. His dad had hardly nothing to do with him for 30 years. Now he needs my husband to partially take care of him. He has also said things like my children are not his. Only his are his. When we had shared our children as they are all of ours. The list goes on, of the way my husband has changed I don't know him anymore and after 32 years of marriage I am thinking about divorse. Any one have any ideas on how to fix or help with this. I just don't know.


Wow, my heart goes out to you. 

Your FIL is a bad influence on your Husband. 

My suggestion is that the two of you set up a few sessions with a marriage counselor. The focus should be on (1) honesty in marriage, (2) the stress on caring for an aging parent in marriage and how that can impact a marriage, (3) a candid discussion on divorce and about how there are forensic accountants who can trace and find any hidden financial assets during divorce proceedings.

Good luck. Understand that this FIL who has just entered your husbands life after years of absense is probably putting a huge strain and guilt trip on your husband.


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## Debbiedowner

*Deidre* said:


> Sorry this is happening.  So, you’re working and making your own money?


I am retired on SS.


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## Debbiedowner

Young at Heart said:


> Wow, my heart goes out to you.
> 
> Your FIL is a bad influence on your Husband.
> 
> My suggestion is that the two of you set up a few sessions with a marriage counselor. The focus should be on (1) honesty in marriage, (2) the stress on caring for an aging parent in marriage and how that can impact a marriage, (3) a candid discussion on divorce and about how there are forensic accountants who can trace and find any hidden financial assets during divorce proceedings.
> 
> Good luck. Understand that this FIL who has just entered your husband's life after years of absence is probably putting a huge strain and guilt trip on your husband.


Thank you, the best advice I have heard. I can't really talk to anyone about this. I will try to get him to go to a counselor.


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## jlg07

One thing -- IF it does proceed to divorce, make sure your lawyer gets a forensic accountant on your H's finances. 
"Hiding" money is a HUGE no-no to the courts. Those are marital assets....


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## GoodDad5

If you don’t mind me asking, what diabetes medication? Did that stop his desire for sex?


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## She'sStillGotIt

*


thunderchad said:



Maybe he knows you are thinking about divorce and he's trying to protect his finances. And unless he adopted them they are legally just your kids. He talks like someone who wants a divorce or knows one is coming.

Click to expand...

*I was going to say the same thing. This sounds like a guy who's master-planning a future divorce.

Sounds like he *asked* his father for financial advice, not the scenario you're painting, OP - that his crazy father is just arbitrarily telling him what to do with his money.


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## theloveofmylife

Debbiedowner said:


> He goes to his Dads once a month for like 2-3 days. When he gets paid and comes home almost broke. His dad does not gamble nor him.


Are you sure that's where he is?

Sounds like he's putting away money and leaving your for someone else. I've seen it before with a family member. They had a little place together that they spent time at on weekends when he was supposedly working overtime. They were both stockpiling money for their future as well.


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