# hi there guys



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

does being affectionate come naturally to you guys, I need that kiss goodbye and goodnight but hubby just doesn't, he has always been this way....
He had an affair back in 09 and we are trying to fix things but this bothers me for some reason.....
I never really had it before, can he change this or it is just not in some men?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Have to admit that after 15 years of marriage the "goodnight" and "goodbye" kisses and "I love you's" are almost just part of the routine - like washing my hands after going to the bathroom.


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

jessi said:


> does being affectionate come naturally to you guys, I need that kiss goodbye and goodnight but hubby just doesn't, he has always been this way....
> He had an affair back in 09 and we are trying to fix things but this bothers me for some reason.....
> I never really had it before, can he change this or it is just not in some men?


For some yes... This is natural to me and love to show my wife affection at all time of the day and night. 

Now with your rebuilding have you sat down and explained this to him? Does he know what you need from him to show you love? If not I would suggest sit down and explaining this to him. I am sure he has to have half a clue but I suspect that he might not. 

Also try The 5 Love Languages for you both it will help getting thru to him. 

Best of Luck!!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi quads123, 
I have sat him down and we have discussed this, but I know he has to work at it and he is trying.....just when he doesn't now i think that he just really doesn't want to......paranoid probably.....but when someone has an affair you question everything I guess.......
I must just be having a weak day......thank for you input....
I do have the book The 5 Love Languages...........
niceguy777......I wish it was as natural as you make it sound.....that little kiss goodnight, hello.....and the little I love yous mean the world to me now and your wife I hope...
good for you.......


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Actually, I didn't mean to necessarily make it sound too good.

Once it becomes a habit, you begin to question whether or not it means anything anymore.


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Actually, I didn't mean to necessarily make it sound too good.
> 
> Once it becomes a habit, you begin to question whether or not it means anything anymore.


When it becomes habit you have to question for sure. Its all in your mind. Thats where a lot of these "little" things start. You have to make your relationship and marriage a priority and work at it. Its hard - no easy to most people. Break out of the everyday rat race.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i will be completely honest, we stopped it several years back because of resentment issues revolving around the lack of intimacy, in other words, i wasnt going to continue that behavior without feeling loved in return. 

there was no affair issue though


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i will be completely honest, we stopped it several years back because of resentment issues revolving around the lack of intimacy, in other words, i wasnt going to continue that behavior without feeling loved in return.
> 
> there was no affair issue though


Perhaps a severe lack of communication...?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

thanks guys, I guess you are right niceguy777, maybe you could take that for granted but there still is thought behind it so it can't be that bad......
I think you could turn things around with that little effort everyday and get rid of some resentment, change the thinking and your relationship will change for the better.....
After my husband's affair I made him give me hugs to calm me down when I was upset.....I told him he created the problems I was having and it was his job and the least he could do for me.....I told him if he was choosing her and leaving our marriage then go but until he went he would take care of me in this way..........
I think that helped us re-connect in a way we hadn't been in a couple of years, just that real physical touch and I could really tell by that hug that he was sorry for what had happened and all the pain he had created for me.......
I think it's a good place to start in a marriage breakdown....


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

jessi said:


> hi quads123,
> I have sat him down and we have discussed this, but I know he has to work at it and he is trying.....just when he doesn't now i think that he just really doesn't want to......paranoid probably.....but when someone has an affair you question everything I guess.......
> I must just be having a weak day......thank for you input....
> I do have the book The 5 Love Languages...........


Sounds like you need to sit down and talk thru it again... I am sure he will understand and work toward making the change.


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