# coping with depression and work



## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

hello
quick overview of me - a pretty normal steady person who had stable mental health until I was suddenly deserted by my stbxh while he started an affair.
My whole world changed and I became overwhelmed with pain and unspeakable suffering and started feeling mentally unstable, depressed and manic, I thought I was going insane with the thoughts going around in my head and I was suicidal.
I quickly spoke to my boss about how I was feeling as I wasn't able to sleep, I've a long drive to work and often spent much of my journey in floods of tears with panic attacks unable to drive. It made me late for work - maybe by ten or twenty minutes.
I was concerned for my wellbeing and asked my boss for some morning leniency as this was my worst time of the day back then. One of my staff approached him to tell him he was concerned for my mental health - my boss wrote to me to ask me how he could help. Then, he refused, and instead, issued me with a disciplinary action. 
I feel this was grossly unfair as I'd been honest from the outset about how I was feeling. Since then, I discovered a plot to oust me from my job - I've been out on sick leave for three months and i can't see myself going back to work with this man as my boss. 
i work in quite a specialised area and there aren't many opportunities for me if I decide to quit. It seems to me that I'm looking at a constructive dismissal case even though I love my job.
what to do? we don't have a HR department but I can't work with him
thanks for any bright ideas :slap::slap:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You should go to the employee assistance program, which specializes in such things. Your boss is only specialty in the area where you work. Most bosses are not prepared to deal with the legalities and privacy issues related to such circumstances. It is not too late to go to EAP. But honestly in the long term you will probably want to switch jobs. #1 your boss did not refer you to employee assistance program (and most employers if they do not have one onsite have outsourced one through their health insurance coverage) and #2 even though this is not your fault to have this kind of reaction and have it affect your work, there is now association between you and work regarding unreliability. But you can worry about that later. First, just worry about going to EAP and getting it sorted out, then cruise through and don't worry about job because you can get a better one with a better boss and circumstances, maybe closer to home and more flexible. 

Well, this happened to me once only the source of the stress was the boss, anyhow I went to a counselor and did get a slip that said I was 'sick' and work wasn't a good environment for me as I was literally having nightmares of being stalked by my boss at home (same gender, not sexually, just with work and stuff!) I found another job while on leave, sold back my sick time, used up all my comp time, cashed in my retirement contributions and didn't look back. I gave a start date for my new job a month ahead so I had some time off to gather myself together and move, etc. and to really learn about my new job and background stuff and to read about the people I'd be working for/with before starting the new job. 

You will recover from this and it will be for the better. My motto is that if something really starts falling apart, let it go and the Phoenix will rise from the ashes. It's an odd process but trust me, it works.

Oh, and get a lawyer, anyhow. Your boss is a bully, so get a lawyer who specializes in mental health and job rights and let him go to town. Even if you don't get any $ out of it and lawyer takes the lion's share, you can have a satisfactory and more legal outcome than if you try to defend yourself on your own in your condition, it will only lead to more stress and really your boss knows you very well and so will take advantage of that knowledge for low blows and personal demoralizing attacks in order to save his own neck and to protect his own assets and employability. However, let this come as a surprise to him. You could even engage in an email dialogue or make legal requests for work records and document his responses...sure in court he'll claim he was framed but everyone knows what the real response should be when an employer requests those documents...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oh, and even though you are not the one who had the affair, you should consider taking some antianxiety drug. It will really help. You just need a leg up. You sound really stable and truly sincere in your habits and thinking, so that's the kind of person who can be taken advantage of, both by your partner and your boss and colleagues. Given some experience, you will toughen up a bit but learn to protect the good stuff that's inside. Not everyone is deserving of it!


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Thanks numero uno, some good ideas there, unfortunately we don't have access to employee assistance program's. You have absolutely nailed it by saying that I know I need to toughen up a bit and i struggle with being assertive.
I'm trying not to blame myself as I have a terrible boss and had a terribly mean husband too. 
My boss did something pretty bad which has disturbed me since I found out, he emailed one of my colleagues asking her if she wanted my job. Her reply was that she didn't want it, but she'd keep the pressure on me. 
It's been very upsetting for me to find this out, I challenged my boss about this but then he made a grievance against me.
I don't see how I can continue working in this environment when he's been so unprofessional.
Thanks everyone for any ideas.
Nora


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Nora said:


> Thanks numero uno, some good ideas there, unfortunately we don't have access to employee assistance program's. You have absolutely nailed it by saying that I know I need to toughen up a bit and i struggle with being assertive.
> I'm trying not to blame myself as I have a terrible boss and had a terribly mean husband too.
> My boss did something pretty bad which has disturbed me since I found out, he emailed one of my colleagues asking her if she wanted my job. Her reply was that she didn't want it, but she'd keep the pressure on me.
> It's been very upsetting for me to find this out, I challenged my boss about this but then he made a grievance against me.
> ...


Hey Nora, 
You are right that you didn't actually do anything, your boss and your husband are mean. BUT, in life we have choices and deep down for whatever reason you chose to be with these people and justified the choice (you mentioned working in a niche job.) We do things to ourselves. The first step in getting others to treat you better is to treat yourself better. Your boss filing a grievance against you is just your boss being your boss, and it sounds like your co-worked wants to keep her job so made a neutral maneuver, not taking yours but at the same time throwing your boss a bone. She will be next, because she refused to play along. She should have taken your job, and immediately started looking for employment somewhere else. It is a no win situation and you have already lost and should be looking for a new job. If you indeed work in a niche industry and your boss is as you say he is (probably so from the sounds of it) I don't think you would fail by sending your CV and networking in the industry for a new job. I wonder if you have signed any non-disclosure forms, etc. If not then go for it. I bet your boss's competitors will be more than glad to have you on board. The good thing here is that your boss had made an assessment of you as a passive person who can be manipulated. If you change that, but keep quiet about it, you will have a huge advantage. He won't see anything coming. 
If you leave your job, you really don't have any obligation to train the person who replaces you, you also don't have any obligation to answer questions about work in progress, etc. 
Of course, you could be paid as a consultant after, but you should certainly be compensated for your time and knowledge. 

In a niche job, you do have considerable amount of power. When dealing with people who are fair, you do business in a way that shows you aren't going to lord it over them. With people like your boss, you show them the pathetic corner they have backed themselves into. If he wants to get out of the corner, it will cost him.


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

He's already in the corner numero uno and when I presented him with some hard facts I had a ten minute moment of glee watching him squirm. 
His method then, was to make a grievance against me - a poor move considering the evidence I have - and he doesn't know how much and I know he's afraid of what I might spring on him so he's trying to set himself up first as the aggrieved person. 
Silly man.
I cannot be part of his games and I can't afford my reputation being bashed about. He's a hard nosed kind of a guy who has made things really difficult for me - unnecessarily so. 
I haven't signed any disclosures - though I won't be quitting without a fight I've decided. I spoke to an employment lawyer today who feels I have a strong case against him. 
It's pretty sad that things have come to this, when I worked so hard for so long to get to where I am; and to have it all taken away because my mental health was so poor and I kept the ship going regardless.
i'm enjoying the potential for springing a few surprises! 
now - to get the energy!


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