# 3 years post- divorce



## DACortes (Dec 26, 2021)

I was married for 7 years, together for 10. We never had children and had our struggles through the marriage. 3 years ago we decided he would leave the state for a few months to get some treatment for an autoimmune disease. He was also depressed and we were hoping a change of scenery would help. As the months went on he became distant, saying he wanted to talk about the future of our marriage. I planned a 2 week vacation to relax and figure out his return home. When I arrived he had a fever and was distant. I didn’t think much of it but the following day he woke up and told me he didn’t love me, hadn’t loved me for years and was going to stay. I was shocked and devastated. 2 weeks later his mom told me he had a girlfriend, he started dating 1 month into him leaving. 
there was a lot of other horrible things I found out not to mention the trip home which lasted 2 days and caused PTSD. 
3 years later I’m in a great place and life is pretty good. I also met an amazing man this year who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.
I have no desire to get back together & haven’t seen or spoken to him in 3 years. Despite all this anytime I hear about him & supposedly how great things are, I feel the same pain from 3 years ago, insecure, unworthy and Like a loser.
Has anyone had similar experience? As blessed as I am, why can’t I let go of the past? I know I’m over the relationship itself, but obviously the pain is still there.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

DACortes said:


> I was married for 7 years, together for 10. We never had children and had our struggles through the marriage. 3 years ago we decided he would leave the state for a few months to get some treatment for an autoimmune disease. He was also depressed and we were hoping a change of scenery would help. As the months went on he became distant, saying he wanted to talk about the future of our marriage. I planned a 2 week vacation to relax and figure out his return home. When I arrived he had a fever and was distant. I didn’t think much of it but the following day he woke up and told me he didn’t love me, hadn’t loved me for years and was going to stay. I was shocked and devastated. 2 weeks later his mom told me he had a girlfriend, he started dating 1 month into him leaving.
> there was a lot of other horrible things I found out not to mention the trip home which lasted 2 days and caused PTSD.
> 3 years later I’m in a great place and life is pretty good. I also met an amazing man this year who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.
> I have no desire to get back together & haven’t seen or spoken to him in 3 years. Despite all this anytime I hear about him & supposedly how great things are, I feel the same pain from 3 years ago, insecure, unworthy and Like a loser.
> Has anyone had similar experience? As blessed as I am, why can’t I let go of the past? I know I’m over the relationship itself, but obviously the pain is still there.


Just keep focusing on your new guy. The old guy was an asshat, who unjustly rewrote your marriage history to justify getting out of the marriage.
Whenever you start feeling crappy, focus on your new guy.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

DACortes said:


> 3 years later I’m in a great place and life is pretty good. I also met an amazing man this year who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.


Congratulations! You seem to have moved on nicely. Good for you. I find your recovery to be inspirational as my wife is dragging me through annulment of our 19-year marriage (we weren't communicating well and let things degrade; yup communication was it).



DACortes said:


> Despite all this anytime I hear about him & supposedly how great things are, I feel the same pain from 3 years ago, insecure, unworthy and Like a loser.


I guess every individual is different and take different lengths of time to fully heal and recover. Looks like you have a nice man and he is part of your healing. Invest time with him. When you feel down go out and do something fun to take your mind off your ex. , if you don't fully move on, your current relationship will not feel full (both you and your partner will feel like something is amiss) and you may jeopardize your current relationship. So it is important that you recover fully. 

You mentioned you are not in contact with your ex which is good; but it sounds like you still get some updates about him which are triggering these episodes. Try to further minimize, if not eliminate, these contacts and triggers. I am no expert, but I think talking about your feelings on this subject is important for recovery. Maybe having several therapy sessions to work through your thoughts and feelings about this may also be helpful? I think it is best not to talk about your ex to your current partner; maybe talk to some really good friends or vent on forums like this one.


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