# Necessary Contact.. (yaaaay...)



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Interestingly enough, even after only a few weeks living on my own, I catch myself actually not thinking about this whole divorce situation. I will be doing something benign and think to myself, hey, I'm not feeling as "look what Im going thru", as I used to be everyday. 
Its as if I am getting accustomed to at least being available to happiness occurring, instead of knotted up and on edge, and driven by the events that did surround me earlier this year, and while living with the ex.
I feel that "freedom" from the processing, the freedom from that "Great sorrowful happening", that occupied 120% of my thoughts for the past year, and I get addicted to that freedom, thirsty for it.
I go home after work, poke thru the refrigerator for something for dinner, and dont ask anyone what they want, or feel inclined to concern myself with anyone other than myself, and thats such a "burden reducing" feeling.

But then I get the email from the ex. Something about the daughters christmas play at her school, and as usual, money.
Oh how I would be fine with not hearing from her again. Now theres a situation where I dont really want to see or hear from my ex anymore. She constitutes a very dark part of my life that willingly and pointedly made the conscious decision to hurt me in the worst way possible, as well as destroy the most important thing to me in my life which was my family.
Forgiveness from a distance is my motto, really, becuase I also have chosen not to have to "deal" with her mental episodes, treacherous and manipulative as they most certainly are.
The "nice caring supportive" husband is not there anymore, as those qualities were abused by her, and used against me to ruin the family. I revoke those attributes towards her, and refuse to hear her "But you said you would.....(insert offer of help being manipulated to promote her own interests..) Once again, the battle is staged between my own sense of what I value as being a man, and father, versus the knowledge that whatever I do to help her is counteractive to my own happiness and well being, even if it is merely financial at a point. I would rather the situations just simple not develop, and not be drug into the ex's problems in her life..
I just want her to leave me alone. I realize thats not possible with our daughter and important matters like that, and I wouldnt want to miss out on the christmas play, and was glad for the reminder,,, but AAAaargghh, just go bang your new boyfriend and leave me alone. 
Maybe thats not direct "suddenly accepting and forgiving" of me to proceed in that manner, but Ive tasted the freedom from being concerned with my ex, and want that freedom to stay.

Maybe I will go to the play, sit in a different row in a different chair. I dont know what proper etiquette is, but I dont want to sit next to my ex. The daughter is in her "maybe they'll work it out" phase, and I dont want to do things to support that non-event.

Geez, everytime I hear from the ex, Ive come to expect nothing but some bullsh!t connivance, or manipulation or outright construence of past discussions, that just so happen to involve something the ex really wants or to work out in her favor, be it time wise, or financially...
Just leave me alone.... ya know?


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## Lowlife (Nov 27, 2011)

Yup. I know the feeling. Thankfully we did not have kids of are own together so I can go NC. Well I can but she feels the need to maintain some sort of contact with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah it kinda sucks, I've gotten to the point where I am very amicable with my ex for the sake of coparenting, but I really don't want to be. One thing I just thought when I read your thread, is that as miserable as it is for us to deal with the ex spouse, it must be torturous for them - sure we are stuck with them, but they are stuck with us and we are the ones who were apparently impossible to live with, so haha sucks to be them. And every time they see us, at some conscious level they must register all their transgressions and moral misdeeds towards us, every time they see us they should be reminded of their weak will and unethical choices, they will suffer forever but the betrayed, as damaged as we were, atleast have our integrity intact and the knowledge that we were loyal to our commitment and willing to take up whatever life deals us without having to destroy the ones we love.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

It's sad that we all belong to this club now. Lon, you are right on with all you said. I'm pretty sure my ex doesn't even have to see me in order to be reminded of all the sh*t she did. All she needs to do is look my daughter in the eyes, plus she even just looks like me.

It is very difficult to believe that a child which was created out of love suddenly becomes like an object which you have to deal with the other parent in a pure business like manner. 

At least I can look at myself and say "this was not my choice" and be the best dad I can be, with love, integrity and self respect, which will hopefully influence my daughter enough to have a better life for herself in the future.


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## Lowlife (Nov 27, 2011)

Oregon38 said:


> At least I can look at myself and say "this was not my choice" and be the best dad I can be, with love, integrity and self respect, which will hopefully influence my daughter enough to have a better life for herself in the future.


You hit the nail on the head with that. You might be surprised how much kids see and figure out on their own. While we didn't have kids of our own, I'm a proud Dad to a wonderful young woman who somehow saw through all of the junk her real parents did and has basically chosen me as her parent. It's the only good thing that came out of my marriage and when I think I wish I'd never met my x, all I have to do is see "my" daughter and I'd do it all again to have this kiddo in my life. How crazy is that? :crazy:


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## Limping (Oct 5, 2011)

Lowlife: Life can be funny huh? My wife brought a daughter into our marriage. Now She doesn't even speak to her mother but loves her daddy. Not related by blood but related by love. She is and always will be my little girl, even if I had nothing to do with her birth.

I think the last straw for her was when she got Married In October and her mother and everyone from that side of the family missed it. Doubt that will ever get repaired.

Bill


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## Lowlife (Nov 27, 2011)

Limping....yeah...sure is. I feel the same way. Nice to know there are other's out there.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

She probably won't leave you alone. You were stuck in the house with her so you could not go no contact. Now you have gone and turned into Mr I_dont_give_a_fck_about_you the awful reality of her situation is starting to hit. The husband has gone! 
That wasn't in her mind at all. She never even considered the loss of family. 

My house is the one where family happens. The kids hang out here all the time. I have to send them back to mom because her place is an emotional desert. 

Expect more emails and excuses to visit you. Expect to hear " For our child"
Try not to vomit..

School functions. Sit separate since you are separate . Dress well and smile at the single moms.. Sorry. just a little bit evil there..

I'm sitting in my pajamas at 8:30am eating chocolate and drinking coffee while on the computer. Jazz on new [80's state of the art. $50 from ebay ] stereo. Pick up kids at 10.. boom ba ba boom.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I wouldn't sit next to a woman who cheated on me. You guys are done IMO. Sit separately and let her have her life. Your concern is with your daughter, nothing else. 

Sounds like you are doing well. I know the feeling about just wanting to be LEFT ALONE and to know peace. It's part of the healing process. Good luck.


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