# Do I write him a letter



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

My H has a hard time understanding why I did the things I did in my past. I can tell him over and over again but he thinks that cause I did those things that I did not love him. Which is so far from the truth. 

I want to write him a letter to try and explain to him why I did the things I did in hopes that he will understand why I did them. I have told him over and over but he still doesn't understand. 

any suggestions?


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

What kind of things?
Things like exposing his affair with his Brother's wife?
I wouldn't write or tell him anything else. Just kick him out.


----------



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

No Dan, these are things I did in the past like 13 years ago we took a break and I had a one night stand. Then 5 yrs ago I walked out on him and the kids. I had a nervous break down and could no longer do it. He thinks that cause I walked out and it was the worst 4 months of his life that there is no way I loved him then. I did love him, I have always loved him I just maybe never showed him that I loved him. I was a control freak and things had to be my way or no way. 

All this stuff that is going on now is he says cause of things that I did back in those days. Which I don't understand cause we have been together for 5 years and have a new daughter. I sometimes wonder if those are just excuses for him to justify his EA


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think you hit the nail on the head with that last comment. That is EXACTLY what I think he is doing. I am not too proud to admit it, after my H had his affair and I found out, the three years he treated me like absolute garbage and then to find out he was denying me sex and cheating? H*ll yeah I was thinking that I DESERVED to cheat too. All that pain he put me through, it was OWED to me. And it was completely ridiculous. I mulled around here some, thought to myself about how that would solve anything and eventually realized that it would allow his actions to change the core of my personality and morals. But I will say that some never get that realization. 

Whatever you did, was freaking 5 years ago. Have you considered that maybe he kept going, but isn't capable of forgiving? Not because of what you did, just because he won't move forward?


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I would write him a letter every few days to reassure him that you'll never step out again, that you love him more than anything in the world, that you appreciate that he stayed wit h you throughout your "ordeals" and that you appreciate that he had choices and chose to stay with you and that you don't take that for granted. That you feel that he is everything you want in a man. That nobody can compare to him. That you would never leave him again (this will appeal to his inner child), that you admire him as a father and husband and provider....... Let me know how it works. If it does, tell my wife so she can write me the same letter! Would make me feel good!

Also, find out what his "love language" is and appeal to it. You can google "love language" and read the book or just go on the site and find out more. There are 5 love languages. Some like letters, some like touch, some like gifts....... Find out what he needs to feel loved.


----------



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I have been reading about the 5 languages of love and I want him to take the little test but I don't want to push it on him !


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

No, JH.
You both were doing okay until he started this mess.

He is just using your past to try and justify his current mistake.
Don't let him get away with it.


----------



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Thanks Dan , 

I think that I'm finally coming to my senses and realize that there is nothing to save. I just need to figure out how to let go. My worst fear is my kids. I have MC today and I'm going to talk to her about what I should do or how to go about it. But I'm pretty sure the day is very near that I'm going to tell him he has to move out. 

It can work to ways , he will go on with his life. Or maybe he will realize what he is missing.


----------

