# Use it or lose it?



## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

I am in a sexless marriage, or at least for the past 4 months. At first I was sad and then angry, now I am not sure what I feel. I have thrown myself into work and improving myself. We still sleep in the same bed and it's life as usual. I guess it good that I'm not dwelling on it anymore. Part of me wonders if I will ever be sexual again or if I have lost it.:scratchhead:


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## Heavywithahammer (Feb 1, 2014)

nah, you haven't lost anything. In my experience we all have secret things that we want to try sexually and now is the time, in a very open and respectful way, to share yours and inquire about your partners. What do you say?


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

This is exactly what I'm at. My drive has shot way down due to some sexless issues here. Same bed. Kinda uncomfortable still. But I notice I'm craving it less often. 

I doubt you lose it forever, but i think rejection or problems can tame it for a while.


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## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

From my experience the worst thing you can do for the situation is be resentful and angry. That just gives your wife more reason not to want to be intimit with you. 

That feeling of rejection screwed with my head and self esteem and the resentment and the anger on my part just made me look like a dejected loser. I can't blame my wife for not wanting to sleep with me as much.

From going through post after post on here I some how ended up reading No More Mr Nice Guy. The most important thing I took from the book is to focus on myself. Once I started looking after myself and my own needs first I was able to go back to my wife and deal with the issue with a much more level head and higher self worth.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

It's still early in the sexless game for you, but you must address this very very soon. Time will only do more damage. You may feel you've accepted it, even temporarily, but there are things going on in your mind/psyche/ego that may not be apparent on the surface, but they will grow and eventually explode if not addressed soon. Please make resolving this issue a priority, no waiting.

(by the way, I'm on year six of a sexless marriage - after 26 years of being together - and had no idea what to do. She just kept rejecting me. The only thing I have, in fact, lost, is my love for her and my desire for her. Both dead in the water. I'm preparing my exit as we speak. Can't live this way.)


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Is there a book for Women that would address this? I think the damage has already been done to the marriage. I am slowly detaching. We are roommates and friends but I am no longer attracted to him. Like many, I don't want to live like this but the fear of the children's reactions to any marital problems makes me think it is for the best. At least for now.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Rejection can get into your head only if you let it... Rejection is rejection, I don't discount that, but there's a lot of different things I have achieved in life and there ain't a chick that can take that away. My self worth is set by many things, sex I'd not very high on the list.

No single issue should define us. Not work, not sex, not money, not anything.


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## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

Gingerbread said:


> Is there a book for Women that would address this? I think the damage has already been done to the marriage. I am slowly detaching. We are roommates and friends but I am no longer attracted to him. Like many, I don't want to live like this but the fear of the children's reactions to any marital problems makes me think it is for the best. At least for now.


Wow I did not realize that you are a girl. but a good majority of the book could be used by either sex. 

With out knowing a ton about your situation I don't want to jump to drastic measures. But I am a firm believer that staying in a bad marriage for a child's sake is not a good idea. In theory it sounds nice. But children are more perceptive than people give them credit. If you are have a daughter you will be showing her that it is okay to stick around negative unhappy situations and she will think it is okay to accept destructive relationships when she grows up.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

TheRock said:


> Once I started looking after myself and my own needs first I was able to go back to my wife and deal with the issue with a much more level head and higher self worth.


Personally, I'm tired of taking care of my own needs in that department. I want my wife back 

Hang on, that's not what you meant, was it :scratchhead:


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Gingerbread said:


> I think the damage has already been done to the marriage. I am slowly detaching. We are roommates and friends but I am no longer attracted to him. Like many, I don't want to live like this but the fear of the children's reactions to any marital problems makes me think it is for the best. At least for now.


This is interesting. Question?
Do you think your attraction would come back if he suddenly showed more interest? Or are we talking potential permanent damage...with him anyway?


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

I don't know if you read my other posts but he has had major health issues and has ed. We have dealt with these issues more than a decade. This past year some things were said that were hurtful. One thing that he said when discussing our sex life was that my area was too"big". I bit my tongue thinking that something maybe too small, but I didn't want to hurt him But this hurt me a lot. 

When he said this and other things, my love changed. I had stood by him through sickness and health, accepting a sex life on his terms because I loved him and accepted he was doing the best he could. I realized he was just selfish and as long as he was content he really didn't listen to my needs.

I hope that I wake up and find myself attracted to him again but don't see it happening soon.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Gingerbread said:


> Is there a book for Women that would address this? I think the damage has already been done to the marriage. I am slowly detaching. We are roommates and friends but I am no longer attracted to him. Like many, I don't want to live like this but the fear of the children's reactions to any marital problems makes me think it is for the best. At least for now.


I think it is inevitable that attraction wanes.

A relationship starts slowly by getting to know each other, then as the level of interest in each other increases, the first 'safe' touches come, then the first kiss then the first sexual encounter (heavy petting) etc. Its a 'learning curve'.

Is marriages where the sex and emotional connection is waning it is the same in reverse. The sex becomes less exciting and less frequent, you start spending less time together, you start to lose interest to such a point that you are no longer sexually interested in the person. You are, in effect housemates with very little in common...BUT you have one 'thing' that binds you together; children.

So many of us in sexless and emotionless marriages put our children before our own happiness. We stay 'married' so that our children are brought up in a safe and happy environment (we don't argue etc infront on the children etc) with both parents taking a full and active roll in bringing them up, 24/7.

However, once the birds have flown the nests, so will we.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

A sexless relationship is dehumanising especially when your partner thinks everything is hunkydory. I'm typing this and burning up inside - this has been the case for more than 4 months now and is only 1 of numerous intimacy droughts over our 18 yrs together. Masturbation is boring! I'm doing my bit and a hell of a lot more for my family as I have always done but I have promised myself i will not go through 2014 like this. I'm in my 50's and I'm firing on all cylinders - I need someone to share this with. PS: I don't do prostitutes.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Stuff like this breaks my heart because I've been there. One spouse sacrifices them selves for the benefit of the other. Only to have their sacrifices ignored or downplayed. 

If you haven't already you need to tell him that while your willing to go the extra mile to help him. You have needs that he is ignoring, and those actions are killing your love for him. And that in turn will eventually will spell the end of your marriage to him. Basically out the ball in his court complete with a deadline for him to turn his actions around. 

I would also agree with the previous poster that staying in an emotionally dead relationship for the same of the children does not benefit the children at all. Kids learn to love their future spouses by watching their parents. If they see no love between their parents they may believe that love is either not necessary or even possible in a marriage. I believe that this effects boys the most. Many of them see their fathers mistreat their moms and later in life go on to mistreat their wives and girlfriends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

It's like riding a bicycle, you never forget once you get back on.

I went about 6 years, not even masturbating. I went through a lot of stuff and just put it out of my mind. When I was again ready, boy was I ready. . And, since I am now in a very healthy and trusting relationship I have more satisfaction than I have ever had. 

Hubby on the other hand did not give up all and pleasured himself frequently that year, year and a half he was single before we met. That was a bit of a problem and he had to re- sensitize his penis. It had gotten used to a big strong hand and it took a little while for it to recognize softness again. He had to restrain from helping it along with his brute force. All worked out in the end I am happy to say.

So no worries. Just get back on that bicycle as soon as your able! :smthumbup:


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You are older/past menopause if I am not mistaken?

You DO need to use it or lose it. Warning: Use It or Lose It! - Hot Flash Havoc

If I was you, I would MB regularly for your own vaginal/sexual health.


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