# I feel I married the wrong man...



## dawnangel89 (Feb 7, 2013)

A little over three years ago I had been very good friends with a man, he drove about an hour to come and see me every other week. He was like perfect for me, and I really liked him, and could say I was starting to fall in love with him. 

Around that time I really did not have my head on straight though, I was young, immature and still living at home, I was always out hooking up with guys. After living most of my teen years being overweight and unattractive, I started losing weight and men started paying attention to me, so I took full advantage of that. I was 20 years old, btw.

This guy never tried to get down my pants, I never tried to get into his either. I respected/respect him still to this day. So around the same time my husband stepped into the picture. A friend of mine introduced us, so we began chatting online. I can tell you I did not feel any attraction whatsoever to him at first. When I finally met him face to face is when I had "love at first sight." He is very attractive so I guess you can say I fell into lust. We slept together the same day. I should've seen the red flags right there. I began sleeping with him all the time. The other man knew. I was having a very hard time settling for one of them. I ended up choosing my husband, of course. I broke the other mans heart and we stopped talking about a month after I told him I decided to pick my husband. The reason why was because I had went to break up with him(my husband) and when I tried he fell to his knees and screamed and cried for me not to leave him. I guess it's obvious I felt sorry for him.

I was still hooking up with random men at work and my parents found out and I was kicked out, so I chose to move in with my husband. To this day I still think that was a really bad idea. We had only known each other for around 3 months. Things went downhill fast, I never felt like I was getting enough of anything. Sex was okay. It was mostly my emotional and mental needs. Instead of communicating it seemed we would just have sex to make up for it. We still to this day rarely talk about each other and our needs. I have before and hoped things would change and they never have. My husband never tells me i'm beautiful or that he is happy I am his wife, you know simple things like that. He just seems emotionless and content about everything all the time. We never really have any fun together, just sit at home and watch tv, go out to eat every so often. I never get any surprises, never any help around the house unless I ask for it. Or if it's something completely obvious that he needs to do, like cleaning up after one of our pets etc etc. Even when I get hurt or something, he never shows any concern for me. He just ignores me or says "you okay?" When I talk to him he just seems to have his mind on something else. Whether it be the tv or computer. I can talk for a long amount of time and he is sitting there like in another world. It really hurts me. 

Recently I suffered a miscarriage, I felt ultimately close to my husband during that time, for obvious reasons. We needed each other for comfort. Every time I would try to talk about it, he never really would say much. Sometimes he would say he doesn't like thinking or talking about it. Well how do you grieve if you don't get the emotions out in some way? I kinda feel alone there cause I still cry about it, but he never does. The pregnancy was a big surprise, considering we never really had protected sex, so it took a few years to even get pregnant. We weren't trying just being careless I guess. We had a puppy around that time that we ended up having to find another home for. He showed more concern and emotions for the puppy than for our own baby. I brought this to his attention and he would still say he didn't want to think about it. That really hurt me and still does.

So now to the point of the post, a little over a week ago I was at work and I hurt my arm so I texted my husband and told him what happened. The text I got back was that he would be late home cause a coworker's vehicle wouldn't start. I was very upset and hurt that he was concerned about a coworker, not one bit about me to ask if I was okay or anything. A couple of minutes after, the guy earlier in the story texted me. It was like he came outta no where, we hadn't talked in over a year. I decided to be honest with him this time about how my husband and I were. Well we've been talking all week long and I have been very happy, the happiest I have been in a long time. We finally decided to meet up last night. I remembered how amazing it felt to be with him. Be held in his arms, feel his gently kisses. I couldn't get the smile off my face the whole time we sat and talked. I felt complete. He always tells me i'm beautiful, and makes me feel beautiful whether it be in texts or face to face. When we are together I can talk to him about everything without feeling weird about it, of like I need to hide. He sees what I am feeling by looking into my eyes. Something my husband never does. I feel like we've known each other for years and that we never left each other after these few years. He was and always has been on my mind since I let him go. 
When he left last night I was heartbroken. I cried my whole way home, asking why I made such wrong decisions in my life. I still can't figure out why I chose my husband, I really can't. Considering I've never been truly happy. I lied to myself many times and to other's about being happy. Really, who is going to honestly say "I am not happy."?

I feel at loss right now. Part of me wants to take a vacation alone for a week just so I can get my head on straight. I worry too much about making important decisions. Being rooted with my husband and then uprooting everything and choosing to move on. My husband has already been left by an ex wife and ex fiance. Thinking of hurting him really does kill me inside. Especially since he has been through it twice. 
I'm sorry for writing so much, I just really could use advice here. Thanks.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

dawnangel89 said:


> A little over three years ago I had been very good friends with a man, he drove about an hour to come and see me every other week. He was like perfect for me, and I really liked him, and could say I was starting to fall in love with him.
> 
> Around that time I really did not have my head on straight though, I was young, immature and still living at home, I was always out hooking up with guys. After living most of my teen years being overweight and unattractive, I started losing weight and men started paying attention to me, so I took full advantage of that. I was 20 years old, btw.
> 
> ...


It sounds like your husband is like most men in many regards. One obvious question I have for you, is, have you told your husband how you feel? 

It sounds to me like he may be feeling the same, or he senses your unhappiness. How often do you text him or tell him something is wrong with you? My wife does this and she is a bit of a hypocondriac <---spelling? I try my best to acknowledge her but after hearing day after day all of her ailments, I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I will ask can I help in some way? She will say no, I will ask if there is anything she wants me to do (draw a bath, towel on the head, etc), she still insists no. I then just acknowledge she is not feeling well and if she keeps saying it over and over I tend to ignore it, not because I don't love her but there is nothing I can do. 

Please do not mess around behind his back, no one deserves that pain. If you do not love him and you want to move on you have to be true to yourself, I am in a very unhappy marriage right now, in fact my wife is alot like your husband and I am much like you. 

I want to feel that completeness, I want to feel like the person I am married to would be with me through anything thick and thin, I want to feel like I am the object of her desires. Unfortunately, that's not how it worked out. I am 30 years old and she is 42... not sure if your husband is older than you. 

Bottom line is, I am not going to cheat on her. I have been approched by many women, some I have engaged in conversation with... I will not let it get to the point of infidelity. I have expressed my concerns to my wife and now it lies on her to make the choice. 

We cannot change people, they can only change themselves. It is our responsibility to give them a chance *if you want to fix it* but if not, he will be ok, you need to leave. 

He has been left before, surely he is going to see a pattern and hopefully get help himself eventually if this keep happening to him.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

23 is so, so young. It's very hard to know what you want from a life partner when you don't yet know your own self.

Talk to your husband. Don't rush your decision. And get on birth control!


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## dawnangel89 (Feb 7, 2013)

Pravius said:


> It sounds like your husband is like most men in many regards. One obvious question I have for you, is, have you told your husband how you feel?


I have told him how I feel, and it only helps for a short amount of time. Lately because of my contact with the other man, I do believe he is sensing something, therefore he is being more affectionate towards me. 



Pravius said:


> It sounds to me like he may be feeling the same, or he senses your unhappiness. How often do you text him or tell him something is wrong with you? My wife does this and she is a bit of a hypocondriac <---spelling? I try my best to acknowledge her but after hearing day after day all of her ailments, I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I will ask can I help in some way? She will say no, I will ask if there is anything she wants me to do (draw a bath, towel on the head, etc), she still insists no. I then just acknowledge she is not feeling well and if she keeps saying it over and over I tend to ignore it, not because I don't love her but there is nothing I can do.


I do not complain much at all. Sure I do the normal complaints about house work, which I feel I have every right too. One thing is that we have been in the process of putting in new floor in one of the rooms here. It's been about 4 months now and it's still not done. I think you could understand my frustration there, as anybody would. I got tired of complaining so I stopped. But that is different than being physically hurt and not getting any sort of concern. 



Pravius said:


> Please do not mess around behind his back, no one deserves that pain. If you do not love him and you want to move on you have to be true to yourself, I am in a very unhappy marriage right now, in fact my wife is alot like your husband and I am much like you.


I do love my husband, but a lot of the time I just am not feeling "in love." It's like roller coaster to describe it the best. One week things are awesome and I am very happy and feel in love, then it's like the next 2 weeks I am depressed and stressed out and I wonder what I am doing here. 



Pravius said:


> I want to feel that completeness, I want to feel like the person I am married to would be with me through anything thick and thin, I want to feel like I am the object of her desires. Unfortunately, that's not how it worked out. I am 30 years old and she is 42... not sure if your husband is older than you.
> 
> Bottom line is, I am not going to cheat on her. I have been approched by many women, some I have engaged in conversation with... I will not let it get to the point of infidelity. I have expressed my concerns to my wife and now it lies on her to make the choice.


My husband is 27. I feel in my heart I have already cheated, but I am not feeling as guilty about it as I thought I would. Maybe because I have thought about it so many times. I am the kind of person that likes a lot of attention. I will be the first to admit that. This other guy seems to know my needs so well and he brings out the best in me. This is why I am a bit upset at myself for settling with my husband, and lying to myself these past few years, that I am happy, when in fact, I am not. I have to put on a mask most days, especially around family, I have to pretend I am happy. It is really wearing on me. 


Pravius said:


> We cannot change people, they can only change themselves. It is our responsibility to give them a chance *if you want to fix it* but if not, he will be ok, you need to leave.
> 
> He has been left before, surely he is going to see a pattern and hopefully get help himself eventually if this keep happening to him.


Leaving him is the hardest thing to think of, he told me how upset he got the two other times he was left, I can only imagine what it would be like if I did. He and I have not been together as long as he was with the other two though. I am considering telling him that I have been talking with another man, but I don't see it going over well. I am getting very tired of hiding my phone all the time. I would much rather him know what I am doing than for him to find out for himself. I see that being a lot more hurtful. I am trying to figure out what is best. I guess I need to just get over it and get it all out on the table before it's too late. Thanks for trying to help!

As for your situation, it sounds like your wife prefers to be more independent. But as a woman's point of view, if I am upset and I tell my husband to leave me alone, deep down I just want him to shut up and to comfort me. When I am angry I usually do not want to talk, but sometimes he tries to force me too which in return I can get very mean. Sometimes I just want to leave and not come back for a while. I have done that before, but I ended up bring ice cream home for him because I felt bad for being so mean. I am by all means not perfect in any way and I am completely surprised that my husband has not wanted to call it quits first. I mean thinking about how the past 3 years has been, I do not want to live my whole life like this. I love being outdoors, whether it be just to take a walk or whatever, but that rarely ever happens. We are just stuck inside in front of the tv or computer. This other guy is always outside doing fun stuff, I am somewhat jealous because I could have been right along with him, having fun and never having to just sit alone and wonder what I could be doing differently. I hope that makes sense. I blame myself for being unhappy cause it is my life and I have made these choices, but the part where I chose my husband instead, I don't feel like I had a choice there. I settled for "okay" instead of "great".


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## dawnangel89 (Feb 7, 2013)

northernlights said:


> 23 is so, so young. It's very hard to know what you want from a life partner when you don't yet know your own self.
> 
> Talk to your husband. Don't rush your decision. And get on birth control!


I really never thought of it that way, and that does give me a new perspective. Thank you for that. 

I would like to go on birth control but last time I was, it really messed me up.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Dawn do yourself and your husband a favor and end the marriage, WHEN you cheat on him and you will you will crush him. you have already checked out of the marriage mentally. if fact you already have kissing a guy is cheating. tell your husband the truth and move on....but not with the guy you think you love now. ask yourself what kind of man romances a MARRIED woman? not a good one and thats just FACT


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

dawnangel89 said:


> I would like to go on birth control but last time I was, it really messed me up.


I know, it can be awful. I started one pill and bled so heavily I must have lost about a pint of blood. I thought the pill was supposed to reduce your bleeding.  But, now I'm on one that's working really well for me. So, keep trying. There's something out there that'll work well for you. Have you heard of the hormonal IUD? It's got a very low dose of hormones so the side effects are minimal, and it's good for 5 years. Lots of women say that after up to 3 months of spotting (been there, again on the pill. It's not as bad as I'd thought it would be) that their periods disappear for the rest of the 5 years.


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