# I do not want this



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

I've been reading these forums on and off since last summer and I feel like it's finally time to post my story.

Wife and I have been together since Sept. 2001, married since Oct. 2007. One child (just turned 3), one dog, and a house.

We had previously lived together in an apartment since 2004. We probably started to grow apart when we purchased the house in June 2008. We're both smokers, she wanted to make the entire house non-smoking. We smoked in our apartment so I didn't like this idea. We "agreed" to make the office an OK place to smoke but not the rest of the house. Consequently, when home in the evenings, I spent a majority of my time there on the computer while she would sit downstairs and watch TV. I think I resented her for creating that separation though the fault is just as much mine. She was also not as active with cleaning and yard work as I thought a homeowner should be so I begun to resent that as well. 

It wasn't so bad that we didn't move forward with our plans to have a child, and that might have been stupid. After a few months of trying, she becomes pregnant in July 2009. I suppose I wasn't ready for it, so I panic. I panic in probably the worst way I possibly can...telling her we aren't ready, we need to stop it, etc. She's begging me to just be happy about having a family and love her, etc. I treat her like crap, a lot of the time. I was pretty emotionally unavailable in this time where she needed me most. I know, it's terrible. It's probably the biggest regret of my life.

Our son is born premature in March of 2010. From the moment he was born there was never a doubt in my mind of my love and devotion to him. But I never grew up around newborns or had any experience with them, it was difficult. Plus the wife and I still weren't feeling that close so we weren't really doing it together. I did take good care of her recovering from her c-section surgery and tried to be there for her much better but with the previous nine months and the stress of a newborn, something was broken.

After about six months in I've really gotten the hang of being a father and I just love it and love my son. I was hoping that would also bring us closer together. In some ways, it seems like it had. We go on trips together, running errands, doing things with our son, etc. But we still don't have a close one-on-one connection, we don't spend much time together after our son is in bed. This is probably the point that I should have known changes had to be made but we both just kept going, keeping up the day-to-day.

Fast-forward to December 2011, I don't remember the conversation we're having but I get the ILYBINILWY and she didn't see the marriage lasting. It floored me. I said that's not at all what I want, maybe we should see a marriage counselor. She said no, that we would just hurt each others feelings. OK, so we just soldier on.

At this point I am actively trying to spend more time with her and talk more and all those things. We actually start having sex again, though infrequently, but I'm pretty happy about that since it had been like 6 months of nothing. But something is off — she's going out much more than she ever has before, a lot of times both Friday and Saturday night, and staying out until like 3AM. I'm trying not to push the issue too much and "be cool" since I'm so afraid she'll pull the plug and leave. Though, more and more, I'm starting to get consumed with paranoia about something going on. Especially with a male "friend" of hers that she seems to talk about more and more.

This goes on until July 2012. She comes in the door around 3AM, again, and I'm finally fed up. I tell her I'm sick of this, no more going out all the time until 3AM. I'm done with that. She agrees and says OK. The next night she goes out with a friend to a movie and is home by 10PM. So this is looking good so far. The next day we're all sitting around, my wife is napping, son is playing with her phone, and he hands it to me. Something came over me and I decided to look at her text messages (I had never done this before). She was texting with a friend about two nights previous, talking about "going over there", sucking his d*ck, he never texted her back, and she feels like a dumb girl.

I blow up and wake her up demanding to know. After several lies she owns up. It's the same guy she always talks about, insists that's the only thing physical that has ever happened. I, stupidly, believe it and start crying, etc., saying how much I love her and want us to be together. She says she previously thought it was over but with how much she has hurt me she might be reconsidering. 

I'm a mess at that point, to where I have a hard time even being apart from her. We're doing the hyperbonding thing, lots of sex, etc. From tips from the infidelity forum, I demand to keep tabs on her. Check her phone records, she has to take pictures of where she is, check in with me, etc. We start to see a marriage counselor, but she still doesn't seem "all-in". I don't feel like she is as remorseful as she should be. Come October I discover she's been texting with him, under a different name on her phone. When I discover this she lies about it and makes up stories until I show her I know his number and the numbers match. From the texts it appears they were just quoting movies and stupid sh*t but that still isn't OK. This happens one more time in December. At that point she says she is done with texting him, it's pointless and as long as we're still together she is done. I block his number from her phone and still diligently check phone records. As the months have gone by I believe her more and more — it's over.

Christmas day 2012, she asks me to get something from her purse, I see a "letter" in there (it's written like a letter but not addressed or anything). Later that night I flip through it. It's to him...kind of a love letter it seems (she says it was written to purge her feelings), she mentions the sex and how great it was. So I confront her, she admits to one time. From more prodding, it was many times. I don't know how many, but I don't think that really matters. Basically they started hanging out summer 2011. She lied to me about her whereabouts because she says I would have had a problem with their friendship (that is true). It turned physical in about February 2012. They were hanging out, watching TV, drinking, having sex, most weekends. She would lie to me and tell me she was with other friends.

She said she only agreed to MC because she felt bad about hurting me, but she didn't want to do it. She still thinks the marriage is over and we have nothing. We both agree to IC for a number of months to work things out and see where we stand. That has been going on for two months. Last week we're talking and I push the issue — what are we doing? She says she's done, we need to divorce. I get pissed, tell her to leave. This past Saturday she spent the day preparing a room for her and our son at her parents house. I rescinded a little and said I'm not in a hurry for her to leave, mostly for our son (though truthfully, I don't want her gone either).

So this seems like it's it. We're still living together, still sleeping together oddly enough (no sex though). She's meeting with an attorney this Wednesday, one that specializes in collaboration. She's being very nice about things, and wants us to end things amicably. 

I don't know what to do. She seems to be pushing this forward but I don't want this. I've had really bad trust issues since finding out about the affair and have been very controlling with her going out. This may have pushed her away some but I think she should be more understanding. She says we would share custody of our son, no problem, but I don't want that. I don't want to be a part-time Dad. I want my family intact. I love her more than anything in the world, sometimes I don't know why after things she's done, but I still do. I don't want her gone, I don't want our son gone, I don't want to dismantle our lives. But I can't make her love me. I know that. I just don't know what to do and I feel so hopeless and heartbroken. We've both made some bad choices, and she fully admits her affair was a very bad decision, but I made a huge mistake too. I took her for granted and didn't tend to her or our relationship. I won't make these mistakes in the future but I don't want someone else. I want my wife and the mother of our son. But it seems like it might be too late.

What do I do? I really feel like I'm falling apart. This is probably long enough already so I'll stop here. I don't know what to do.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are in love with the memory of what was, not who she is now.

The fact is: she wants a divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage/relationship work. When one ends it, the other person (you) had to concede.

The more you cling, the further you will drive her away. 

I know it sucks. Badly. But it is in your best interest to fall back. She will never respect you if you keep trying to make it work after she's cheated on you and has told you she wants a divorce.

What you do is get a lawyer and respond to her or file yourself. Please get tested for STDs. Stop being the guy that was always there for her and bending overbackwards for her. She wants out, so let her have it. Don't be nasty to her, just make steps to extricate yourself from her. 

Living together is no good so it's good that she is moving out (after all, she is the one who wants the divorce). Get a support group of friends, family, new hobbies, start exercising and etc. Be kind to yourself.

Get the book Love Must Be Tough. You can get it for free at your library. It is perfect for your situation.

Summary: DON'T CLING. LET HER GO. Respect yourself. Never chase after someone who is running away from you.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This may be a good thread to get moved to coping with infidelity.

Have you exposed her affair to everyone far and wide? That's one way to pour a glass of ice water on flaming passions... Plus, it allows you to show everyone why the divorce is going on.

But did you see what did to help enable this whole situation from happening in the first place? You isolated yourself from her because you wanted to smoke in the house. You basically tell her to abort her own baby in a panic. But the final straw was you allowed her to regularly go out on weekends with girlfriends (and guys too???) without putting any real boundaries in place. Regularly staying out till 3 am? Did this go on every weekend? No date nights at all for you two? Too much trust, too much privacy, too little enforcement of boundaries and too little effort by you to insist on spending time together. 

Well, if you don't get the chance to reconcile, you know how to do it better the next time. Learn from your mistakes at least.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Jellybeans:

Yeah, I know. But when you're with someone for 12 years it's hard to imagine not being with them everyday. I know she isn't the same woman I married and fell in love with, it's just hard imaging her not there and being alone. If I start dating someone right away by the time I have that much history with this person I'll be 46. That's hard to comprehend.

Ideally, she would move out and during that separation she would decide she wants us to be together. Probably a long shot but I guess I'm holding onto that. I know I probably shouldn't. It's really hard. How long can I feasibly delay things if she is already going to consult with an attorney (not file) this week?

Also, she just assumes she would take our son to her parents house with her. I know I'll be able to see him but he should stay in his home, right? I don't understand why it's presumed he would just go with her.

As far as the STD thing, probably no point now. We started having sex again when I thought it was just a BJ. When I found out about the sex, and that it wasn't always with condom (gross), it had been like 5 months. Now it's been like 9 months. Wouldn't something have come up by now? Unless it's, god forbid, HIV or something. But it wasn't a random hookup, it was a guy she's known for years, so I'm inclined to think he's clean. He was our wedding DJ actually, isn't that lovely?

I'll check out that book you recommend. In my heart of hearts I know I need to detach but it's HARD because I still have a lot of feelings for her and she's still being so NICE.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Plan9:

I thought about the infidelity forum but it seems kinda past that now. I WAS dealing with that but the demise of my marriage seems more imminent.

Same with the exposure, what's the point NOW? She says the divorce isn't happening because of THAT. I'm inclined to agree, somewhat, but it certainly made things worse and put my heart through a wringer.

Yes, I know my faults here. That's what makes it so hard. I can't blame it all on her. So I lose my wife and the mother of our son, and I pushed her away. I have a really hard time with that.

Yes, the letting her go out all the time was my fault. Here's how it started: she's much more social than I am and that worked for a long time. I liked having someone that wasn't like me in that way. So if she wanted to go out with friends and I didn't, go ahead, have fun. That seemed to work for awhile too. No, no date nights. When our son was young she never wanted to have anyone watch him. So it was either I go out or she goes out, but not together. Then by the time ILYBINILWY came around I was terrified of losing her so I wouldn't stop her from doing anything. Yes, regularly til 3AM, just about every weekend both nights. It took me 7 months to finally put my foot down and say it wasn't OK. Too late to stop anything. If I had enforced boundaries earlier I can't say it would have helped our relationship but maybe I wouldn't have been made a fool of.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh my. The wedding DJ? I am sorry.

I'd still get tested. And go back and re-test in 6 months to be sure.

It is SO hard to imagine your life without someone when they are all you know, your entire life/world. BUT... realize that the harder you try to convince her to be with you, the furthe away it will push her. It's like if you were to dump someone and they kept clinging--it would seriously turn you off. 

She wants out so you let her go. It's not easy. It's painful. BUT BUT... life does go on, I assure you. 

DEF get the book. It is so insightful and explains the concept well. 

Her niceness is probably only there because it helps soften the blow. If she knows you don't think her as a "bad guy" then it helps her in being able to move on easier from you. 

Re: you child--speak to a lawyer about custody.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

somearbitraryname said:


> Plan9:
> 
> *I thought about the infidelity forum but it seems kinda past that now.* I WAS dealing with that but the demise of my marriage seems more imminent.
> 
> ...


Right now it is a foregone conclusion that everything is traveling down a path of inevitability. First off, the odds of a relationship born from infidelity surviving is next to zero. However, your wife is carrying on as if she thinks she'll be with this guy for awhile. And it looks inevitable to you (and to her) because she already has someone waiting for her when you divorce. If you blow up her plans via exposing the affair to everyone, then those who have any sense of decency and honor will recognize your wife as the home wrecker of the marriage. Shame is a powerful motivator, and if you subscribe to the belief that she is in an "affair fog", she may not be thinking things clearly.

Wrong. You are getting a divorce because this other man is in your life. It's the affair that has pushed her to seek divorce. She won't admit this because she would have to admit that she did the wrong thing by stepping outside the marriage.

No. The cheating is 100% your fault. But you played a role in the quality of your marriage up until the time she decided to cheat.

Enforcing boundaries could have nipped much of this in the bud and you could still be married today without the specter of divorce hovering around you. 

If I were you, I'd expose the cheating wife for all to see. If she is truly in the right, then she would have no problem with you broadcasting to the world that she is having sex with another man while she is still married to you, and you are not OK with it.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Plan 9:

Hold on, the affair is NOT still going on. Physically at least, I am 99.9% sure of this. I suppose they could still be communicating in some way, but I also don't believe this to be true.

I have discussed exposure with my therapist and she doesn't think it's necessary to tell family and friends that specific a detail of what has happened. I'm inclined to agree. Certainly if we get divorced then I will tell everyone.

You really think the affair is ongoing? Jeez way to get me paranoid again. Do you think that just because she's pushing for a divorce?


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Jellybeans:

Yeah, I've considered the STD test. So embarrassing though.

I know life goes on. I don't want to sound pathetic but she was my first serious long-term relationship where it wasn't just dating. The thought of starting over exhausts me. Though it's not like my needs are being met here, I feel so damn lonely sometimes.

The thought of all of it exhausts me. Selling the house, finding an apartment that will also fit my son, dividing everything up, etc. I know it would have to be done and I'm just complaining but it's just so much to think about.

She says her niceness is there because she still cares about me and she isn't a bad person (ha ha). I don't know how on the offense I should go here but I also am not ready to just get things moving ASAP.

I don't even know when she plans to leave at this point but when that happens locks are getting changed, etc. I should probably speak to a lawyer now but I just don't want to.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

somearbitraryname said:


> Plan 9:
> 
> Hold on, the affair is NOT still going on. Physically at least, I am 99.9% sure of this. I suppose they could still be communicating in some way, but I also don't believe this to be true.
> 
> ...


Does it matter? She has made it pretty clear that she is done with this marriage. It is time to start working on YOU and being the best dad you can to your son.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

somearbitraryname said:


> Plan 9:
> 
> Hold on, the affair is NOT still going on. Physically at least, I am 99.9% sure of this. I suppose they could still be communicating in some way, but I also don't believe this to be true.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I have no idea if it's still going on or not. She could have a burner phone, hidden web mail account you don't know about, etc... But she has not fully processed the idea that her affair is over. Consider that on Dec 25 you found a letter that confirmed that she feels love for this man. She loves another man, had an affair, and what consequences has she seen from the affair? What about him? What has he experienced as a result of this affair? What you could do is not expose, quietly get your divorce, let your wife spin this tail that you both made the marriage bad (moral equivalence) and then she can introduce her man to everyone free and clear as if everything is on the level.

What I suspect could have happened is that her and the OM could be laying low for awhile until the smoke clears. Does the OM have a wife? Family? GF? I would expose the affair to the people he cares about most. What regularly happens is that he throws your wife under the bus in order to save his own skin. Also, by exposing to your wife's family and friends, then they can see who she really is and she learns that there are consequences to cheating on a spouse. 

That's just me. Do what you want. IMHO, you are going to hurt yourself by being so passive.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

3XNoCharm:

You're right. Of course you're right. But I don't know what that means entirely. I think it might be easier to work on myself if she IS gone, but I still don't feel mentally ready to move forward with divorce. And if she is gone, that's less accountability for her actions. I suppose I shouldn't care, yet due to pride, I do.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Plan 9:

She said that letter wasn't written recently, of course I have no idea if that's true. And that it was writing thoughts down to purge them, an idea that both our therapists have discussed. It still doesn't sit well with me. Her consequences have been more accountability for her actions and whereabouts. Don't know what other kind of consequences there could be.

The OM is divorced and single, no kids. I don't think, from my end, there could be any consequences to him. As much as I want to go over there and punch him in the face.

Several of her friends already know. She says they know she made a mistake but still love and support her. I don't think her parents know. The thought of just telling them makes me uncomfortable.

I know I'm probably being too passive, probably because I don't want this. If I'm being offered an amicable split, with shared custody, isn't that the best I can hope for out of a divorce? If I file with grounds for fault due to infidelity would that even make a difference in the outcome? Questions for an attorney, I'm sure.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

somearbitraryname said:


> Plan 9:
> 
> She said that letter wasn't written recently, of course I have no idea if that's true. And that it was writing thoughts down to purge them, an idea that both our therapists have discussed. It still doesn't sit well with me. Her consequences have been more accountability for her actions and whereabouts. Don't know what other kind of consequences there could be.
> 
> ...


This is the problem you have if you want a chance to save this at all. Maybe you don't want to try - which is fine because if my wife was banging another guy for 8 months with frequent hook ups, I wouldn't want her. Just don't be shocked if you see the two of them together when you two are divorced - or legally separated.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

I've seen this argument elsewhere, that I should expose the affair. What I don't understand is why. Telling her parents for instance, why? Unless I'm trying to create a more adversarial situation or make things "worse" I don't know what this will accomplish.

Do you know of any real life situations where exposure actually _helped_ the marriage? If the affair is still active I can maybe see it, but if it isn't why would it help?

I discussed this with my therapist tonight and she also thinks it isn't a good idea.


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm with you on this one. I honestly see no reason to disclose the affair, unless:
a - out of pure spite and the need for revenge or
b - You think it'll knock her out of the fog and you'd get a chance to fix your marriage.

Personally, I would never make up with anyone who cheats on me, so both options become moot. My ex cheated. Do her friends know? I sincerely don't give a damn. She's paying(ish) the price, and I've moved on.

But... that's just me.


----------



## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

somearbitraryname said:


> I discussed this with my therapist tonight and she also thinks it isn't a good idea.


Why did your therapist think it's not a good idea?

Explanation: I am in a very, very similar situation, only I do not see reconciliation as a way forward. The break in trust is just too great. It is over. I am adjusting to it. I am not well because of it and I do love my wife dearly still. But that will pass and I will not lead the rest of my life in a state of paranoia, constantly looking over my wife's shoulder, when our whole 25 year marriage was one of complete trust on both sides. Fool I was.

The difference with me is, he is married, in a position in his field that exposure would mean the end of his career. It would destroy him. Suicide is a possibility.

I am trying not to press the button, but the need to hit back is overwhelming. And I am slightly crazy at the moment after discovering the gory details.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

abcl:

If you want to try at reconciliation, and the affair is no longer active, I don't see what good exposure does. Otherwise, what good does it do? It might satisfy you a bit to smear a person's name, but ultimately what good have you done? You mention destroying a person, suicide being a possibility. Would that make you feel good to drive a person to suicide? I understand a desire for revenge and punishment, believe me, but you took the high road by not cheating. Why make yourself a bad person? I understand feeling crazy, too, I'm still there sometimes.

Curious, do you have any children? Are they young? Our 3 year old is mostly what is making me want to try and make things work.


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

She's still meeting with the attorney tomorrow. Just a consultation, if I'm not willing to go the collaborative agreement route, she'll likely find a different attorney. I know I need to contact an attorney, at this point I'm waiting to see what is said tomorrow. 

Sometimes I start to accept it might be over. I would still miss her, miss seeing her everyday. I have a really hard time with splitting our son. I don't want to only see him part-time, and I'm not sure it's in his best interest. Though, long-term, a marriage where one person doesn't love the other won't work.


----------



## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Yes, I want to destroy him. He has destroyed me, my wife (he's left her now, now that he is scared of the repercussions - or so I understand from my wife - she could be lying), destroyed his marriage, ( I found his wife and told her, she seems to have left him.) And disgraced his profession. He's a priest, a pastor to be correct. Pillar of the community. Yet he writes pornographic stories and indulges in bizarre sex acts. I'm no prude but you should read some of the stuff he gets up to. His job is to counsel people in troubled marriages not take advantage of the situation. 

This is not a normal affair. It's a facebook one. I read their messages and emails and saw the porn they shared while masturbating together online. Using phone, messaging and webcams. While I was downstairs. Detailed pornographic descriptions of what they were doing to themselves and what they would be doing to one another if they were together. Extremely graphic. They spoke frequently of their love. They talked of her divorcing me. They talked of running away together. Taking me for as much as she could get in the settlement, even though she brought nothing to the home as it was mine outright for years before we met, and did almost nothing to it in the 25 years we have been together.

This is how I discovered about the relationship. In one hit, one night a month ago. A tsunami hit me when I read it, my insides turned inside out. I have not slept properly since then, just short bursts every 48 hours with the help of sleeping pills, but I have nightmares, where I see them doing it. I wake up shaking. I have been prescribed Valium. I've never used it before. Hate medication. But I am shaking. All the time. And there's the button.

And she doesn't want me to tell any of our family and friends the real reason for the divorce. Wants to make it like we have drifted apart. 

If they are in love and want to be together, who am I to stand in their way? I can't make someone love me if they don't want to. And everyone deserves happiness. But he has deserted her. Paranoid I will spill the beans and he will be disgraced. If he stood by her, I would have less reason to hit back. But using her and hurting her makes me even more angry. 

This is a woman that I trusted completely. The woman that said that infidelity was the one thing that she could not accept in a relationship. That if it came to a stage where we became unsure or wanted to move on or think things over, we would never hurt one another this way. I have stood by that even in difficult times. This is a woman who prides herself on her integrity, morals and decency. This is the woman I have loved for 25 years and can't stop loving, but I am trying. I am letting go. I am going to counseling. 

I feel I've hijacked your thread. That wasn't my intention. This probably needs its own thread, if anyone is interested.


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

abcl06735 said:


> Yes, I want to destroy him. He has destroyed me, my wife (he's left her now, now that he is scared of the repercussions - or so I understand from my wife - she could be lying), destroyed his marriage, ( I found his wife and told her, she seems to have left him.) And disgraced his profession. He's a priest, a pastor to be correct. Pillar of the community. Yet he writes pornographic stories and indulges in bizarre sex acts. I'm no prude but you should read some of the stuff he gets up to. His job is to counsel people in troubled marriages not take advantage of the situation.
> 
> This is not a normal affair. It's a facebook one. I read their messages and emails and saw the porn they shared while masturbating together online. Using phone, messaging and webcams. While I was downstairs. Detailed pornographic descriptions of what they were doing to themselves and what they would be doing to one another if they were together. Extremely graphic. They spoke frequently of their love. They talked of her divorcing me. They talked of running away together. Taking me for as much as she could get in the settlement, even though she brought nothing to the home as it was mine outright for years before we met, and did almost nothing to it in the 25 years we have been together.
> 
> ...


Two things from my perspective:

1 - sorry you went through all this. My "****" was a random dude, and my discovery happened when I rushed home due to a stomach bug and discovered the fellow fleeing my residence, trying to hold his pants up. Incidentally I'd spotted him in the neighborhood before, just "hanging around", probably waiting for me to leave for work.

2 - I'm going to call male-cow droppings on your reason. The guy could have been a single random person who you didn't know and wasn't in your community, and you'd still have wanted to burn him. He could have wanted to marry her, and you would still have wanted to expose. Your reason for wanting to expose isn't diminished or increased by whether or not he left her, that's just you looking for an excuse to do so.
But - do you really believe your wife is that weak? That she's incapacitated and mentally unable to make decisions for herself? I know my ex, she's a great person, intelligent and a good decision maker, or we would never have gotten together. As a result, there was no need for me to even bother with the guy, I don't care who he is, whether or not he knew she was married, all that doesn't bother me one bit. The only person I was interested in speaking to was my ex, to find out why, etc. She's the one I made a vow/pact/marriage contract with, and she's the one that broke it. This wasn't a rape, this was a well thought out decision on her part. I respected that decision, and took the appropriate action.

Bottom line - please feel free to consider my point of view amongst others, and I respect the reality that in the end, you will do what you want to do regardless of whatever advice you get, and I encourage you to do so - it's YOUR decision to make. I minimized the hubbub around our break up because to me the most important parties where our kids, not either of us (otherwise I'd have taken my paycheck and run, leaving her to exist on child support instead of the current set-up where she gets access to a majority of my resources).


----------



## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

_


caladan said:



My "****" was a random dude, and my discovery happened when I rushed home due to a stomach bug and discovered the fellow fleeing my residence, trying to hold his pants up. Incidentally I'd spotted him in the neighborhood before, just "hanging around", probably waiting for me to leave for work.

Click to expand...

_Jesus Christ! What did she say when you challenged her?

Mine was as though I caught them in the act, doing it. Seeing him penetrate her. Him going down on her. She fellating him. They are very graphic in their descriptions. And there's the photo's and the webcam. She claims she never used this, but she comments on the look of his **** so there must have been some sort of exchange. I can see the images in the email messages but not in the facebook account as that is a private account of hers/his I don't have access to.

The shock was like being hit in the face, or rather the heart, by a plank. I'm not recovering well.

_


caladan said:



2 - I'm going to call male-cow droppings on your reason. The guy could have been a single random person who you didn't know and wasn't in your community, and you'd still have wanted to burn him. He could have wanted to marry her, and you would still have wanted to expose. Your reason for wanting to expose isn't diminished or increased by whether or not he left her, that's just you looking for an excuse to do so.

.

Click to expand...

_

You are right. I do just want to burn him. That's natural don't you think? Plus I'm not myself. Can't think straight. I genuinely don't want to harm her, or his wife for that matter. I struggled with the decision to tell her, but reasoned I couldn't let the deception go on. And that's what has been staying my hand. She may be harmed by the exposure as well, which is unacceptable to me, no matter what she has done, because I think she has been taken by a sort of madness in this. I understand what drove her to it. Well I don't actually. I would understand her wanting a break to think things over, but not this.

Plus. My life is wrecked. Her life is wrecked. His wife's life is wrecked. Why should he get off scot free?

_


caladan said:



But - do you really believe your wife is that weak? That she's incapacitated and mentally unable to make decisions for herself? 

.

Click to expand...

_

I don't quite know what you mean. My wife is very intelligent with a string of letters after her name that would fill a line in a word document. But she seems to have been acting completely out of character in this. There is an obsession here.

Their relationship developed over a two year period via facebook. I never knew anything about it, because I trusted my wife and never questioned what she was doing. Except facebook took over her life eventually and that led to arguments.

_


caladan said:



I know my ex, she's a great person, intelligent and a good decision maker, or we would never have gotten together. As a result, there was no need for me to even bother with the guy, I don't care who he is, whether or not he knew she was married, all that doesn't bother me one bit. The only person I was interested in speaking to was my ex, to find out why, etc. She's the one I made a vow/pact/marriage contract with, and she's the one that broke it. This wasn't a rape, this was a well thought out decision on her part. I respected that decision, and took the appropriate action.

.

Click to expand...

_

I respect my wife's decision to "take a break", now divorce. I do not respect her decision to deceive and betray me in this way and try and take me for all she can when it is she who has done the wrong. 

I do not understand you not bothering with the guy. He knew what he was doing. He knew there could be repercussions. As a Christian and a Pastor I would have thought that it was his moral, religious and spiritual duty to encourage a married couple in difficulties to seek help and guidance, rather than engage in exchanging pornographic messages and photos and engaging in online sex with my wife, and through that destroying the lives of two decent people, possibly three - I don't know his wife. Is this proper behaviour for a pastor?

Never mind that he is a hypocrite and fraud. What would his congregation and his Bishop think if they knew what he gets up to behind their backs? And I'm not just thinking of his relationship with my wife. There's a heap of other st*t he's into that is highly inappropriate for a pastor to being engaged in.

The local news would have a field day with it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ABCL, I would SOOOOO expose if I were you!  People trust this man, they have a right to know his real character!


----------



## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> ABCL, I would SOOOOO expose if I were you!  People trust this man, they have a right to know his real character!


I think so too. But I'm led to believe there could be suicides if it comes out. That is a step too far for me.

But is this just blackmail?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your wife has not gotten over you being an immature a$$ and treating her like crap during her pregnancy. This is an emotional and scary time for us women and if our partner doesn't have our back during this time how can we ever really trust him or be close to him again? THAT is what must be dealt with in MC if you're to have any chance of saving the marriage. Have you actually told her that you regret your behavior during her pregnancy, our did you just assume it would blow over? Because as you can see it doesn't. If you get that far then you can address the fact that she deals with marital problems by having affairs, which is a whole separate issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort:

Yes, I know my behavior back then is what started us on this road. That broke the connection and the trust. I guess I did assume it would blow over. I thought when she saw that I was very happy being a father that would help to "fix" things. And, stupidly, I didn't think it had as deep an impact on her as it has. I don't think she even realized it until years later. We've had many, many conversations about how deeply I regret my behavior. How she never deserved that and I ruined the experience for both of us. If neither one of us has another child, we'll never experience that like it should be experienced. I think it's too late though — even if she forgives me (and I don't think she does, fully) the connection is still broken.


----------



## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Anymore comments from me about my situation and the will be unfair on somearbitraryname. This his his thread.

How do I start a new thread and briing over the messages in this thread that have addressed my situation?

I'm pretty new to this and don't know how these things work.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

somearbitraryname said:


> lifeistooshort:
> 
> Yes, I know my behavior back then is what started us on this road. That broke the connection and the trust. I guess I did assume it would blow over. I thought when she saw that I was very happy being a father that would help to "fix" things. And, stupidly, I didn't think it had as deep an impact on her as it has. I don't think she even realized it until years later. We've had many, many conversations about how deeply I regret my behavior. How she never deserved that and I ruined the experience for both of us. If neither one of us has another child, we'll never experience that like it should be experienced. I think it's too late though — even if she forgives me (and I don't think she does, fully) the connection is still broken.


In that case I really feel for you. It may just be that the damage is done and it's over. I think that people that have been hurt really need to feel like the one that caused the hurt "gets it", and it sounds like even though you know you behaved badly you didn't really get it. Try telling her that you've come to understand that pregnancy is a scary and vulnerable time for a woman and you, as her husband, should have been there to have her back. That acknowledgment might at least give her the idea that you do get it. Then tell her that you will watch her back from here out and ask what she needs from you. If you get a favorable response then you can make clear that you can only do this if she ceases to deal with problems by having affairs. If she still wants out then tell her you've said your piece and walk away. If she agrees and then has another affair you must walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

Just an update - her meeting with an attorney hasn't happened yet. She emailed me last week and said she thought I would like to know it's being rescheduled. I heard nothing else about it so I asked her today and she said she's trying to reschedule it for next week.

I'm trying to detach, but times that we are together I'm not sure how. We ride to work together to save money (we work near each other). I don't want to just sit in silence but having friendly conversation makes me feel more connected to her and that just makes it harder.

We spend time with our son together and there's moments where we look at each other and smile because of our connection with our son and that just makes it harder. 

When I have a hard time detaching, I can think really hard about things she's done, and that does it. But that also fills me with anger and rage and I don't like feeling that way, it doesn't seem healthy.

Why can't we just work this out and move forward and be a family again? So frustrating.

I don't know how to do this.


----------



## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Hey somearbitraryname,

I am late in the game for this conversation, but, as a woman... 
with kids...

I think that the advice to burn your ex is a bad idea. Unless you want to burn your relationship with your boy.
You don't seem caught up in a firery hate right now, and you seem to be thinking with the head above the waist... soo....

I have been through one divorce that was unexpected. I now regret begging him to stay... begging him to keep me and saying he could keep his girlfriend. There was a point, for me, when the future was so damn scary that I'd have allowed anything...
But I regret that. He had made his decision. It took so long to see him leave the house because I was so pathetic.
He had an affair. I found out from the neighbours.

My point is... You have a son. If you had to talk to your son about this, as a hypothetical, how a man should behave in this situation. A grown up man. With a backbone. With self respect. But also with compassion and the understanding that both party members are human and fallable... 
You need to behave the way you would tell your son a man would behave. It doesn't matter how much that hurts. Because your son is 3, right? He is learning. He is watching everything. And he will remember. He won't get it, understand well, until he's about 7... but he sees you now. he mimics now. 

It's done. It's over. She is finished. So, what do you do? 
How would you have your son learn who you are and how a man should be?


----------



## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

I have a hard time "being cool" with just going down a road I don't want to go down, without a fight. Otherwise it just feels like "yes dear". Though in the interest of our son it's probably best for him.

I read too much into things, looking for a sign. It doesn't seem to stick, that this is probably what's happening. For instance, she hasn't been as flaky about wearing her wedding ring. She's been wearing it all day, every day, for a week or more. I thought that meant something. The other night she mentioned putting a ceiling fan in our son's room. Today I asked her why she would even say that when her end goal is that we're all going to leave? She said she just said it and wasn't really thinking about it. I need to stop looking for signs when there are none. 

I've started taking steps: changing all my passwords, removing her from credit cards that were initially mine, getting a new bank account. Getting ready, I guess. 

Ms. What-to-do:
Your comment about our son watching and learning everything struck a chord with me. We try really hard to not fight or discuss issues like this around our son. We don't dote on each other but we get along and present a unified front. The other day out of nowhere he pointed at my wife and said "You don't like Daddy but I like Daddy". He's a really silly kid so I didn't think anything of it at the time but now I wonder how much he might be picking up? Just typing this out is making me start to cry.


----------



## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

I'm sorry. *hugs* I know how you feel. My little girl, 5, said to me when I told her we had to go pick up daddy for her birthday, "maybe we don't have to get daddy... he likes his quiet time and his sleeps..." 
They know what is what and who protects them from it...
I am sorry *hugs again*


----------

