# Help My wife says its over



## ttorfin

My wife has said she is done with our marriage, she said she was over me and that she does not have any feelings for me anymore. Last year I was gone with doing racing photography that I did I was gone alot and bought some equipment using my 401k money and did not tell her about it. Which I have said I am sorry. Right now I am praying night and day that the marriage is not over. She has as far as I know not filed for the "d" and I am praying that she does not. I am doing everything I can around the house, laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom doing all the house hold chores(which we always fought about and when we would I would always say quit *****ing or call her a *****) which I have said I am sorry for all of that. I have started to work out and have lost 40pds since the first of the year. Yesterday I went back to the church where we were married and prayed on the spot where we said our vows 13 years ago. I pray that we can stay together and I am doing everything I can to make sure that happens. 
She doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore and she says she is done. Now when she comes home she is all happy with the kids and just ignores me. We have two wonderful boys 3 and 6. I keep praying to God to help us work this out. My wife turned 40 last year and she tells me that it changed her and she realized that being miserable anymore was not worth it. She said she is sick of the crap she has put up with for 12 year. She has said to a friend she can't imagine having a relationship with me again, she does not have feelings for me and can't see getting feelings back. She said she can't imagine ever sleeping with me again. I just need someone to hear my story and tell me if they have had the same issue. She said to her friend that I am nothing more than a roommate. I still love her, want this to work out and I believe God will answer my prayers and I am patiently waiting for him to hear them. This friend who was the maid of honor in our wedding, she has shut out now because she is telling her positive things. My wife's support system is all negative and all her friends have shakey marriages. Any advice would be very helpful....God Bless


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## confusedgirl86

The best thing to do is to give her what she wants. Move out. Start moving on with your life. Begging her to stay will only push her away more. Pretend to be happy without her even if you are not. When she sees you "happy" and moving on then she will realize what she's losing and want you back.


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## Amplexor

What Confused is suggesting is called tough love. There is a good book by Dobson called “Love must be Tough” and it was helpful to me. She is right in that you may actually be pushing her away, but think it through carefully before you make such a bold step. It is very risky. Based on your information so far I would not suggest you leave but that you do give her some space. Continue on the changes you have promised but don’t expect her to take notice for some time. She knows what you are doing. Putting great effort in these things in order to right the ship but she doesn’t want it righted at this point. Steady and consistent efforts will make an impact after time. Don’t over due it, don’t dote on her, don’t expect anything at this time. I will just add to your poor emotional state. You can practice tough love without leaving however. Be as confident and strong as you can when you are in her presence. Play with the kids and go about your daily life as normal. Continue to show her you love her in your actions, not words. They have not meaning for her now. When a spouse detaches as far as she has recovery will be a long time in coming. I wouldn’t even expect to see much from her for a couple of months. Commit to your changes, do family things together and don’t fall back into old habits. She will have zero tolerance at this point. Can it get better, yes but it will take a lot of time and effort.


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## broo

ttorfin said:


> My wife has said she is done with our marriage, she said she was over me and that she does not have any feelings for me anymore.


This is as common as pie. Do not give up. Do not lose hope. Do not move out. This is a cycle that usually take 1 year to work out, but maybe longer. 

Men have a habit of being total c*cksuckers and stooges until they get their wake-up call. Make the changes and make them permanent. Do not be resentful. Do not be hurt. Do not be needy. Do not drive her away.

Pretend this is your chance to date the pretiest girl in high school, who hates your guts and thinks you are a revolting nerdish jerk. You have to pull out all of the stops to convince her to like you. You have to play it cool and develop the attitude and swagger that attracts her to you. You have to transform her opinion of you. You have to transform into someone that you are not. Go read every book you can get on how to flirt and pick up women, go read every book on how to treat your wife. Also read the book Divorce-Busting. Never watch TV again. Don't do anything with your free time that isn't A) Helpful, or B) Self-Improve. 

Get active and fit, re-engage in a few active(non-obsessive) hobbies just like you would if you were going back on the market to get a new girlfriend. Study the art of dating, so that if she ever gives you a chance to take her out, you can wow and amaze her with how much she suddenly finds that she likes you. Don't pressure her for anything, just be fun and happy and cheerful, and likeable. Don't date anyone (it will only create complications, and besides, you want her, she may decide to compete with you if she feels jealous).

You are not the only one that this is happened to. I think I read it happens in 30% of marriages, with most couples staying together (even if one or both end up having affairs).

Women's feelings are like a light switch. Whent the switch is off, they can't even remember what it felt like to like you. When the switch is on, it feels as though they always liked you. Eventually the switch will turn back on for tiny stretches of time. When it does she will be angry with you again, but thats OK. Your job is to drop any greivance you ever thought you had and let it go. You are going to unceasingly man up and take responsibility for the ways you tortured her with 12 years of continuous mistreatment, but more importantly you are going to show her how likeable, good-natured, fun and exciting you are.


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## sirch

Listen!Listen! Listen to what everyone has said here. I know what you are going through because I am as well. It's been three months for me now (and I am out of the house) and she is just starting to freely call or contact me. It has been hard as hell but in the end will be worth it. Go read Men are from mars, Women are from venus. This is the first book I read (at my counselor's urging) and it really opened my mind into what the female brain wants from us. After reading it reread it and let it all sink in. Then let it sit where she can see it and maybe read it as well but do not push her to. Stay strong my friend, check in here to do all your venting it does help.


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## lostatc

i think this is mostly all good advice. let her know you love her but probably at this point with her being so cold, you can't push it too far or come off as too needy. i would definitely try to get into counseling with a good counselor to understand the issues really at hand. sometimes the issues do not stem from what you think they do. keep on a track to right yourself and make yourself a better person, the person she fell in love with (minus the faults). keep your head up and good luck.


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## ttorfin

So I find out that this old family friend(Guy) who is 52 divorced, smokes and just filed for bankruptcy my wife texted him 443 times from Dec 19 to Jan. 18. My wife is 40 just so you know the age difference. On a night we went to a concert she texted him 44 times. Do you think I should confront her about it or him or just let it go. She has no suspicious behavior like staying late for work or staying over night at someone's house. My gut says she is using him as a crutch to talk to since her and I do not talk but makes you wonder. I really appreciate all the feedback everyone has given me and I really need all the support, advice I can get. Do you think I should consider asking her to go to a counselor because her comeback will be why, I told you I was done.
Thanks again for all the advice, keep it coming.


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## humpty dumpty

It sounds like shes getting all her emotional support from that old family friend !!!! someone to talk to someone who listens ... Its amazing how we all wake up and realise just how bad we treat someone we are meant to love and protect when we are faced with loseing them... 
I dont think saying sorry helps and niether does doing chores now ... you really need to show her that you want to fight to save your marriage and that you do want to change forever ( not just until things go back to how they were ). tell her you want to fight to keep her and your marriage and could she give you time to go counselling together.
you need to date her again so she remembers who you are and why she married you !! what made them sparks


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## java

ttorfin said:


> So I find out that this old family friend(Guy) who is 52 divorced, smokes and just filed for bankruptcy my wife texted him 443 times from Dec 19 to Jan. 18. My wife is 40 just so you know the age difference. On a night we went to a concert she texted him 44 times. Do you think I should confront her about it or him or just let it go. She has no suspicious behavior like staying late for work or staying over night at someone's house. My gut says she is using him as a crutch to talk to since her and I do not talk but makes you wonder. I really appreciate all the feedback everyone has given me and I really need all the support, advice I can get. Do you think I should consider asking her to go to a counselor because her comeback will be why, I told you I was done.
> Thanks again for all the advice, keep it coming.


I would definitely consider confronting her or him about it. If you say something to him he will tell her and then she will be mad at you...you may want to ask her what is going on. She may stay with you for the kids but emotionally have a relationship with him since she is talking to him so much. If he is a family friend of you and her..why would he do that to you? What are his intentions, you know? At this point he is interferring with an already rocky situation. 

I basically mentally and emotionally "left" my husband before I physically left. When he wanted to fix things it was too late. I gave him so many opportunities to fix things and spelled everything out for him to change and make things different. He never wanted to until I didn't care anymore. I hope she hasn't reached this point...if she has the dishes and anything else you do may not make a difference. Get her away from the other guy if you can...he isn't helping.


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## McGraw

DONT GIVE UP!!! my husband just left me(after 13 yrs 2gether) to stay at his dads 10 days ago and i am telling u i am doing everything in my power to bring him home. God does hear your prayers..miracles do happen. all i have been doing is praying. gently suggest counseling..sounds like she may be having a mid life crisis, like i think my husband is. Its far from easy when you love someone so much you are willing to do anything. my hubby is here everyday ( he says to c kids, but i dont believe that) and also "pretends" 2 b happy.. i think deep down they are both crying out, dont know what to do. Tell her wout smothering her how you feel about her..i pray you will reach her. Good luck friend! keep the faith!!


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## Amplexor

ttorfin said:


> Do you think I should confront her about it or him or just let it go.


Yes you should confront her, it is likely an emotional affair and it does have an impact on your marriage. A big one. Affairs don't have to be physical to hurt a marriage. This relationship may be poisoning her image of you and she needs to understand its impact.


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## ttorfin

Yesterday she yelled at me because she thought I was being a child. She said you just don't get it. I said I am sorry (she wanted to take my youngest son to see her aunt I insisted he stay home to play with his brother and his buddy) she said you have not "changed" at all. I said yes I have. She said seeing Family is important to me. I said it is very important to me too. She said whatever, you don't even care what I want. So I asked what do you want. She said you gone. I don't want you around anymore. I said I am not giving up. She said maybe you will if you get divorce papers. I said is that what you really want(no response), I said are you going to tell the kids and she said yes I will. 


So she went to her Aunts by herself. Me and the kids stayed home and played. So this morning when she was getting ready I asked her if we could talk she said about what there is nothing to talk about. I am done over you. You have treated my like **** for 12 years and I am done, calling me a *****, lying to me and not being a part of the family(Last summer I took a part time job as a racing photographer, was gone a lot by myself) she says now you want to be "superdad" and you think now you can just be a part of the kids life. Well I have always been a part of the kids life, going to t-ball and playing with them around the house. For her to say I never have been a Dad to them is very wrong. Then I suggested to go to counseling, she did not say anything. She said you can go I don't want to. I am done you have been a jerk, ******* to me for so long I do not want to be around you anymore. I kept saying I love you and I am sorry. I told her I have been praying for her forgiveness and for God's foregiveness, she mocked me oh now you are praying to God well whop dee do she says. I said to her where am I going to go, she said I don't care, my weekends are miserable because I have to be around you. Now you think you can just do everything with us and I was so used to you being gone all the time that it is frustrating having you around all the time. I admit I have not been the best husband but I am trying to change and I believe I have changed even though she says I have not. I need and want her to go to counseling because I still love her and I am so sorry for all the pain I have given her, it hurts to hear how frustrated someone is with the way you have been and did not realize it before it came to this. Last September she had sent me an email with the frustrations and I did not get it back then. Then she never said change or it's over. If she had I would have changed then. I did change some but I just go defensive and took it the wrong way. I should have changed them. Please give me some feedback on what I should do. She wants me out but I am not leaving. I have no where to go and I just can't bare the fact that I will not be there every night to tuck my kids in to bed or play with them every night. They are 3 and 6 and the best kids you could ever imagine. I have so many regrets on how I have treated my wife and been gone away for my kids for my selfishness. After our conversation and the kids went to school I went over to the church across the street and said my prayers, telling God that I still love her, and needed his help to help her forgive me and I asked for his foregiveness for the way I have treated my wife. I am praying, praying, praying that her and I can work this out. She is mad, angry, going thru what I call a midlife crisis and begging God for a miracle. Thanks to everyone on her for your kind words, please keep them coming I need everyone praying for me(Todd and MaryAnne) so that we can stay married. Please give me some feedback, I really appreciate it.


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## ttorfin

just another note, she did mention that she has given me so many years to change and I never had and she said what am I supposed to do stick around for another 13 to see if you do change.  I said yes because I am not going to yell at you anymore, I am helping out around the house and I want to do things with the kids all the time. She said I can change all I want, your second wife will appreciate it. That hurts but I understand, I just wish she could just give it some time to see that I have changed.


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## Amplexor

Actions, not words at this point. Your words have no meaning for her at this time. She has closed off and won’t give you a chance for some time to come. It will take her time for the anger to subside and until she does that most anything you do will have little impact. Having said that, don’t give up. Continue to do the things you’ve committed to no matte what.


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## nowaking

I signed up in this forum just because of what you have written, if you think nobody understands you , you need to think again, I am in the office, its going to 7 o'clock with no desire to go home.

I will not even write what am going through, after reading your posts... I thought first my wife posted on my behalf.. realizing the stupidity of it.. I thought I posted it, other than for the two kids and our age difference... everything you said is what I am going through.

After 2 months of pain and trying again and again to pray with her, spend time with her, pick her and be the husband she wants, I am tired! - ttorfin I don't know how to tell u this, the praying, the washing dishes, the playing with my son, picking her from work, asking her for dates, holding her at night... I have tried it.. and all it has done is leave me feeling empty and alone... its like what I have done for the last 4 years is unforgivable.. but funny, objectively she has done even worse and I forgave her....


Well, am done mopping, am not leaving for my sons sake.. but neither am I going to sit down and be treated like a pest with no dignity, did I wrong her, yes, could I have treated her better .. yes... but can she also forgive and realize that we don't have the rest of our lifes to waste in bitterness and anger? Yes!

ttorfin -your post is my current life.. pray and stop trying to please her, stop beating yourself.. you have never been a dad before.. you have been the best dad, and you also have tried as a husband, you are a man who has made mistakes and that makes you only human, there is no way you would have learned this unless you went thru it.. be a man and stop crying about it... stand on your two feet, find Gods purpose for your life as an individual! - and stop trying to convince her.. the more you do.. the more it will be used to hurt u and be used against u, go down and pray and spend time with your kids, learn to be single, unique and whole again, the more you cry for her attention the more she is put off.. and your next phase of your marriage might start shaky and make you very unhappy

am writing this in the same believe am telling myself, if she leaves me... I know beyond a shadow of doubt she will realise I was a good husband and father.. not great but good.. and that I tried esp when I realized I had been wrong... I did try... God is with us, lets be men and not mice... we fall down.. but we stand up, God bless you - Give me your IM and we can chat


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## ttorfin

nowaking said:


> I signed up in this forum just because of what you have written, if you think nobody understands you , you need to think again, I am in the office, its going to 7 o'clock with no desire to go home.
> 
> I will not even write what am going through, after reading your posts... I thought first my wife posted on my behalf.. realizing the stupidity of it.. I thought I posted it, other than for the two kids and our age difference... everything you said is what I am going through.
> 
> After 2 months of pain and trying again and again to pray with her, spend time with her, pick her and be the husband she wants, I am tired! - ttorfin I don't know how to tell u this, the praying, the washing dishes, the playing with my son, picking her from work, asking her for dates, holding her at night... I have tried it.. and all it has done is leave me feeling empty and alone... its like what I have done for the last 4 years is unforgivable.. but funny, objectively she has done even worse and I forgave her....
> 
> 
> Well, am done mopping, am not leaving for my sons sake.. but neither am I going to sit down and be treated like a pest with no dignity, did I wrong her, yes, could I have treated her better .. yes... but can she also forgive and realize that we don't have the rest of our lifes to waste in bitterness and anger? Yes!
> 
> ttorfin -your post is my current life.. pray and stop trying to please her, stop beating yourself.. you have never been a dad before.. you have been the best dad, and you also have tried as a husband, you are a man who has made mistakes and that makes you only human, there is no way you would have learned this unless you went thru it.. be a man and stop crying about it... stand on your two feet, find Gods purpose for your life as an individual! - and stop trying to convince her.. the more you do.. the more it will be used to hurt u and be used against u, go down and pray and spend time with your kids, learn to be single, unique and whole again, the more you cry for her attention the more she is put off.. and your next phase of your marriage might start shaky and make you very unhappy
> 
> am writing this in the same believe am telling myself, if she leaves me... I know beyond a shadow of doubt she will realise I was a good husband and father.. not great but good.. and that I tried esp when I realized I had been wrong... I did try... God is with us, lets be men and not mice... we fall down.. but we stand up, God bless you - Give me your IM and we can chat


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## ttorfin

nowaking how do I get an IM give me the website so that I can sign up.


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## swedish

ttorfin said:


> Yesterday she yelled at me because she thought I was being a child. She said you just don't get it. I said I am sorry (she wanted to take my youngest son to see her aunt I insisted he stay home to play with his brother and his buddy) she said you have not "changed" at all. I said yes I have. She said seeing Family is important to me. I said it is very important to me too. She said whatever, you don't even care what I want.
> ...
> So she went to her Aunts by herself.
> ...
> I said to her where am I going to go, she said I don't care, my weekends are miserable because I have to be around you. Now you think you can just do everything with us and I was so used to you being gone all the time that it is frustrating having you around all the time.
> ...
> Last September she had sent me an email with the frustrations and I did not get it back then. Then she never said change or it's over. If she had I would have changed then. I did change some but I just go defensive and took it the wrong way. I should have changed them. Please give me some feedback on what I should do.


I felt much like your wife in my first marriage and I think it boiled down to not feeling loved. I didn't think that I should have to tell him how to act in a loving way towards me, to care about what I was thinking, feeling, what kind of day I was having...if he really loved me, he would have done those things anyway.

When I had enough, he promised to change, said he had nowhere to go, etc. started doing more with the kids, but to be honest at that point I felt it was all about him scrambling so his lifestyle wouldn't change. I didn't see any real change in his interest in me and what was important to me.

I also had become so used to doing everything on my own and was annoyed that he felt a few months of interaction should just make me 'get over it' At that point, it didn't feel sincere and his efforts seemed to be for him...not for me or the kids.


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## psu02

I am in the position very much like swedish.....on the opposite side ttorfin.

I am struggling through my marriage right now after 4 and a half years because of the feeling of being neglected, unappreciated and lied to for a long time. I had tried and tried and kept getting broken and broken. Things would change for maybe a month or so then go back to the way it was. Each time it got worse and worse to take and I believed him less and less. 

I had suggested counseling over a year ago and he didn't want to hear it then. Now he "got it" but it may be too late. How much can a person bare before they can't take it anymore?

It's tough, trying to decide what to do, if I should leave? I know your wife is probably having many conflicting thoughts underneath what she's saying to you. 

Giving he space is good and counseling is a choice. Maybe it will help to talk with someone else around.


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## DEFA17

sorry to here what you are going through....my wife did the same thing in November I didn't see her hints as me possibly loosing her but it happened.......I am still hurt everyday.....blaming myself.....but you have to move on ....sometimes it is not you it is her.....mine left said that she didn't want to be a wife or mother anymore wanted her independence.....she left lives with her mom see the kids every other weekend and I get to see my kids everyday!!!! no matter how much she hurt me I know deep inside that if she told me she made a mistake and wanted to come home I would take her back in a heart beat!!!!! the hurt will fade but will never leave


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## ttorfin

Another thing about my wife is that over the years I have not been very financially mature. I have always wanted to spend, spend. My wife always would say to me “quit
Sqandering money on stupid things we do not need. If you want to pay the bills to see we don’t have the money to do this then you can pay the bills.” I would stop for a while then spend on something else I wanted. Well through all of this I have been doing some checking into our accounts. She has spent over $1,000 on QVC, last summer she went on a girls vacation, came back with a new tattoo for $200 and spent $300 on jewelry while on the vacation. Since I took money out of my 401k we have to pay in on taxes of $2,500 federal and $1,300 on state. Well I emailed her 3 times to get time on a Saturday to sit down and discuss our debt and how we can consolidate it. She finally said she would. Then that Saturday came around, she was doing the taxes and I asked her what her debt was and she said $10,000 and that she did not want to talk about it because she was mad due to the fact that I had taken $21,000 out of my 401k and had only spent $6,000 on my photo equipment. The rest I had spent on paying off credit cards and running my photo business. Well she was pissed about that. I said to her here is all of my spending for the last two years, laid it on the table for her to review, not hiding anything. I told her my debt for Credit Cards was $,3400 and a personnel loan of $4,100. She stormed off and went shopping. Comes home with new clothes, toys for the kids. She had started working on the taxes and but now has not touched them. When I had suggested to take them to a professional she said why can’t you trust me to do these, you have never trusted me with them, then something like what you don’t think I have half a brain. I said yes I trust you but with trying to figure in the 401k money, writing off my photo equipment and business expense I said let’s to be safe bring them to a professional maybe they can find something that we won’t have to pay in so much. Still no progress on the taxes, I am tempted to take them to a professional and pay the $80 to have them done. Another money issue is I had received a bonus from work and the bonus would just about pay off my credit cards. She insisted in go into our joint account. She has an account she puts $75 a pay period into and I have an account I put $175 into each pay period. I use mine for gas, lunch, paying my credit cards and personal loan. She pays her Target card, discover card all from our joint account, lunch, clothes for her all come from this account as well. When I confronted her she accused me of going behind her back to look at the accounts. Well the accounts I looked at all have my name on them and so I have every right to look at. So she won’t sit down and talk about the finances. I asked her last Friday to sit down and put a budget together her comment was ‘to be honest I really don’t care”. She also continues to spend money. She bought a $310 Coach purse last November that just sits in the dresser and then last week buys a new purse at Burlington Coat Factory that cost’s $50, Sunday goes to town comes home with new shorts for the kids. When I confronted her before her comment was “All of the Family Debt is what I am going to consolidate not what we owe on the taxes, all of the Family Debt was for the household, kids and some for me” is what she said. Some advice I have been given was to pull my bonus out and pay off my credit cards and then pay the taxes off. Any one have this same issue with their spouse. She complained for 12 years about my spending but I think she is shopping as a way to deal with the stress of all of this. I have stopped my spending and only spend on the house or groceries, gas. Any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## ttorfin

another thing a month ago I won tickets to the Eagles concert told her I wanted her to go with me. She did say yes or no. After she has told me all of this stuff, (I don't have feelings for you, I want you out, You were a jerk etc...) should I ask her again or just sell the tickets????


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## ttorfin

he out there I need you guys to read my recent posts, I need someone's thoughts. Don't leave me hanging her. This below is what I want to send her, thoughts? Should I send it to her?

I want to make this work. Thank you for talking with me. I believe we can work out all the issues. There have been lots of marriages in the same position that we are in and have made it work. Would you please reconsider us going together to counseling. To throw this marriage away without trying to get help would be a real shame. Our wedding vows mean something for better or for worse. I love you! We certainly have been through the worse part. I know you have seen the changes in me. I may not be perfect however I have changed. I have not changed because you are mad at me. If that were the case I would have certainly gone back to the way I was before by now. Someone can only change when they really recognize that they have a problem and want no matter what to change. I know I was self-centered and I know that I loved other things more than you. I have walked on you for so long and been a jerk, but I have changed and am changing. I am a responsible adult that cares more about his wife and children than about himself. I want to raise our kids in the environment where they see how responsible adults act kind and loving to each other. I want to raise our kids in the environment where they understand they don't always get what they want (I don't want them to grow up like I did and take 43 years to figure it out). I want to teach them how to handle money wisely and not to rely on credit cards to survive. We can do this together and show them that our marriage vows were real and that it takes hard work and that we didn't just throw away 12 years because it has been hard. I believe with help from counseling we can at least try to make a new start and make it the best years of our life together. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work and I am not going to give up. Please think about our wedding vows and going together to counseling. I love you!


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## moogvo

Ok, so I read the first post and a few that followed. yes, I was told EXACTLY the same thing on December 18. My wife was done with me, she didn't have the feelings for me that she had hoped to have "one day", She wanted nothing further to do with me and couldn't stand the very sight of me.

Long story short, )and yes, your situation is as common as a Chrysler minivan with transmission problems). She was cheating. I felt it in my heart, I denied it because "I know my wife, and no matter HOW bad things get, she would NEVER do it to me".

400 text messages are NOT support, they are OBSESSION! Age4 difference? The man MY wife cheated on me with is 18 years older than her. She is 32 and he is 50.

The reasons she cited for a divorce were: I didn't help with household chores, I was making and spending money on Internet business ventures (Money that one time she told me would be my "play mioney" to keep me out of household money). She told me I ignored her, I was never around and that she just didn't love me anymore.

Once I found out about the other man, there was an IMMEDIATE turnaround in her attitude. She all of a sudden wanted to work it out with me, she was sorry, she "never really wanted it to be over" blah blah blah. THEN... after finding out the "truth" I later found that there had been 2 men, and this takes it back into mid October... The bottom line was and is that once she saw greener grass and made the decision to pursue it, she detached herself from me, became distant and angry. The more I tried to make good in the areas I dropped the ball, the more she acted hatefully to me.

I hate to be the one to bring this out, but she is seeing that 50 year old smoking bankrupt guy. While they may or may not be doing anything physical, there is emotional involvement.

I found out who the other man was and payed him a phone call. I said exactly the right things to him to put the fear of God into his heart and to withdraw from my wife.

I am sorry, but 440 text messages is WAY out of bounds. I don't care what ANYONE says. Find out who he is, bust him and her and then if you want to have her back, then go from there. either way, don't poke your head into the sand!

Read my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/3372-my-wife-doesn-t-share-my-feelings.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ion/3541-wife-pregnant-another-man-maybe.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/3715-more-details-after-fact.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/3752-whole-truth.html

That is basically the compilation of what I was dealing with from the day she asked for a divorce until just after I discovered the truth. It is a lot of reading, but take the time and see if it sounds familiar.

Keep us up to date.

~Moog


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## moogvo

And one more thing... Ask her for 6 months. "Give our marriage a try for 6 months. if it doesn't work out, then we can part company on good terms. At the very least, it will give you an opportunity to save up a little bit of money to begin your new life. What do you have to lose?"

(Except the patience of the other man)


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## swedish

ttorfin said:


> I know you have seen the changes in me.


I would take that out. If she is not feeling that when she reads it, she will likely be annoyed and not taking anything after that serioiusly.


ttorfin said:


> I know I was self-centered and I know that I loved other things more than you.


Is this really true? That you loved other things more than her?

I will be honest, if you really have realized that your wife and children are the most important thing to you, why is that? Is it because you are afraid of the alternative life you would have if you divorce or is it because you truely adore her?

If it is the latter, a new beginning should start with putting her first...her happiness...if you know she would love to take your son to her aunt's, and you truely adore her and want her to be happy, you would smile and say 'have fun, say hi for me, etc.'

If she were doing the taxes, you wouldn't worry how quickly she's doing them or whether someone else could find more $, but support her by saying 'I know that is a pain to do and I don't want to see you stressed out over it & would be totally up for spending $80 to have someone else do it if it will help you'

do you see what I mean? she needs to feel that you really adore her and appreciate everything she does...focus on the good stuff and let her know she's beautiful inside and out...not just words but actions that support her and make her feel like a wife who is loved.


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## ttorfin

Just a few questions?
From my post about the financial stuff what should I do there?

This guy she texts and contacts just about every day is 52 she is 40. She told a friend he is just an old family friend and that there is nothing there so she says. The other day I asked her if there was anyone else she flat out without hesitation said no.

She hasn't disappeared for long periods of time or changed her habits like staying late for work or something like that so I do not think they are having a physical affair but I believe and emotional affair. 

Do you guys think I should send that one post to her? Does anyone think it will help or should I just back off and give her more space, keep doing stuff around the house, with the kids. She will not talk to me when we are around each other at all. Not sure how to get her to talk. I have been trying to just stay out of her way. 

All your help/advice and stories are great and I appreciate all the feedback. It is amazing to think of how many people are in the same boat I am and some of should start talking to people who are thinking of getting married and tell them how it really is instead all the other stuff you get when you are about to get married. You should be required to talk to a divorced couple and one that has had issues. Then I think people would look at themselves more to see if there are in it for the worse part and not just the better. It is easy to give up but harder to make it easy. That is why I wish she would give me just another chance since he have had 13 years of worse, why not try to see what the better can be.


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## swedish

Even if she has no intention of ever crossing the line and having a physical affair with this man, the fact that he is filling her void of emotional support likely has opened her eyes that someone out there cares about her and that she can find happiness down the road.

It does put you in a tricky spot because it will be hard for you to step in and fill that void for her if she's getting that from him and resenting you. 

I don't think arguing about finances, etc. will help you at this point. It will just validate what she already thinks...that it's all about you...her shopping probably gives her a feeling of control and independence. Maybe there are ways you can give her that (within the boundaries of marriage of course)


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## moogvo

The problem is that ALL marriages have a 50% chance of ending out this way, and everyone says the same thing: "I NEVER saw it coming".

I wish I could take back what my wife did to me and she does as well. She has come back to me and severed all ties with the other guy. She does show me every day how happy she is to be married to me. What she doesn't get is that I don't look at her the same anymore. I love her more than ever, but there is an element that she gave away to another man that will never be sacred in our home again.

My wife didn't come home any later than I had been accustomed to seeing her when production was up, but what I didn't see were the 3 and 4 hour lunch breaks to go meet "Mr. Perfect" (Who I now refer to as "Mr. Geritol" (even tho he is ONLY 50... He has 18 years on her and 10 on me.)

I still wrestle with feelings of wondering what it was about him that she found to be attractive, and why I didn't get it for her. I am still wondering why it had to be 2 men in rapid succession and not just one. I have to wonder WHY she willingly drove to his home for a second round of hobby horse.

I am getting off of the path here, but my point in all of it is that there are 2 elements you need to be aware of.

1. NOBODY can just detach themselves from their partner overnight unless they have attached themself to someone else.

2. When one wants to cheat, it can so easily be done transparently to the other. How do you know she isn't going to lunch with him and meeting her in parking lots on the way home. How do you know that they don't meet every now and again during times when she would normally be gone anyhow?

Are you telling me that at no time can you NOT account for her whereabouts? Do you believe that there is NO way for her to meet this man?

Either way, it is horribly inappropriate and wrong... and NOBODY sends that many text messages to TWENTY friends, let alone ONE!

Sorry, but it is time to put on your detective hat, I'm afraid.

~Moog


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## mynewlife

I feel your frustration. My husband left is 52 and has been struggling with depression and financial crisis the last 2 years. He moved out three weeks ago and got a nice apartment and bought a corvette the next day. He ignores my calls and text messages and does not respond. when i do get him on the phone he somehow gets mad at me for the least little thing and makes me feels worse. I can't even carry on a descent conversation with him.. Before he left I had made great strides in getting the home in order. keeping laundry tidy and making sure our teens get to work and school. I even planted a garden thinking he might snap out of it. he used to love to tend a garden and beautify the yard. But he said he was not happy and just wanted to move. He would not go to counseling.I tried several times during the last to years to get him to maybe 1 or 2 appointments here and there. But he was too angry to do any good. Nothing I did worked. I have dressed nicer,(instead of pjs and sweatshirts) started going to church, continued to be patient waiting for him to come around. He hasn't. I found out yesterday that he is already seeing someone. The woman that I suspected he would go after if anything ever happened to us. He does not know I know this. So I play stupid. He lies about everything. what hurts most is he communicates with our kids and take them places and spend time with them, But shuns me. Its been three weeks. During the second week his attorney sent me a separation letter. It felt like a smack in the face. I cried all night long I was in denial. It's not easy to figure out how to move on. I constantly expect him to come through the door or call me. The nights are lonely because the kids have a social life and the weekends are worse, The kids are with him. I was dependent on him for everything. Now I must make a life without him. I am angry with him for not taking taking the time to work on our marriage and leaving us. I am 39 soon to be 40. Our oldest daughter will leave for college this fall. it will be hard like another loss. i had to give all this to God to handle because i am tired of worrying about it and trying to fix it all, I realize i can't. I am not wasting anymore time feeling like I am the problem and breaking my neck to get his attention. It's just not worth it and it makes me feel cheap.It's pointless. Like another reader said ; He doesn't hear your words,He is not listening, Its action that he will see. I hope One day he will wake up and realize what he lost. Hurting in NC


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## chasworth

Hey man, I know how you feel. I have been married for 11 yrs myself and my wife told me the same stuff. I was so depressed and upset. I started going to counseling to get personal help. She blamed everything on me for our marriage failing. My wife has pulled me down for years. I even believed I was this terrible person she claimed I was for a long time. All I can say is ignore what she says. Make sure you kids will be taken care of. Love them as much as you can and let them know you will always be there for them and your door is always open. Let them know that daddy loves them always. Then you shut her out. Start living life for you. Stop supporting her financially. Don't let her play on your emotions. Build up a wall to her and get emotionally sound. Be a man for yourself. With that treatment do you really want to keep her for your wife. I know what the bible says, but in gods eyes aren't you already divorced. You gave it your best and you have tried your hardest. Don't let her narcissism guilt you into thinking you are a bad guy. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to make it fail. One cant do it all. If you want it to work and she doesn't, it won't work. Time to move on and seek happiness for you and your children. Tough love, I don't believe so, I think its more like doing whats right. God will forgive you and you must forgive yourself and your wife for what has gone on. No need to waste anymore of it on misery. Seek happiness in yourself. Thats the best advice I can give you. Im going through it as we speak. I felt exactly as you do now until I seeked help to help me find ME again.


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