# 3.5 Years later



## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, so please forgive the lack of abbreviations. 

I'm a male in my mid 20's. 2 months ago my fiancée, who've I've known for 7 years and been with coming on 5, broke up with me. She signed a new contract for an apartment, and moved out. All without any warning or a legitimate attempt to talk about any problems. She gave me the typical movie script break up that she wasnt in love with me any more and that we couldn't be happy together, and accused me of not caring about her (which is completely untrue, I worked myself to the bone to support us and ensure our future together and to accommodate her needs.)

Anyway, about 10 days after she left me, she called me and asked to meet for a talk.She wanted to work things out, but that she needed to tell me something first. she admitted cheated on me with a male colleague from work 3.5 years ago. I knew that this guy existed and was aware that he was coming on to her. However, she always reassured me that nothing was happening. One thing that I became furious about when this was occurring was that she didnt let him know that she had a boyfriend for several months, and that she even considered taking spanish lessons from him for her spanish course at university. Little did I know that she had accepted one of his offesr to go for a drink, and that they ended up back at his place and slept together. 

She has been hiding this from me for 3.5 years! It hurts enough that she actually commited the act, I cant describe the pain I feel from knowing she actually cheated on me, but there is another type of hurt that comes from knowing that she was able to carry that with her for all those years and hide it from me. I can't believe that she would look me right in the eye and tell me that she would never cheat, or lie to me, and that I could trust her. I'm not sure how to deal with this pain, her soothing words dont sooth for long. She claims that nothing ever happened again with anyone else, and that she had no contact with that colleague outside of work since that happened. She also said that hiding this ate at her and it was actually one of the main reasons she felt she had to leave me, stating that she didnt want to be the type of person who hides things from her partner any more.

We've been to a few counselling sessions to help us communicate through this, and it has really helped us. We moved back in together a month after she left, and for financial reasons have stopped counselling. I find that I have some emotional relapses from the pain this ordeal caused me. As the heartache of her having left me lessens, the pain of the acts of betrayal and the subsequent hiding become stronger. Her not telling me makes me feel that she hijacked 3.5 years of my life, and that she manipulated my decisions by not letting me have the information I need to make my own informed decisions for my own life. 

I really wish that I could write in more detail, but obviously my writing skills are nothing to boast about. I'm just having a really hard time with this, and I've never been so emotionally drained and damaged in my life... I find that I'm unable to construct fully coherent thoughts in my heads since she left.

Does anybody here have a similar case of having their partner reveal their infidelity years after it occurred? If so, what were your initial thoughts? did you get through that with or without your partner? and how?


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## Stillupset (Nov 27, 2012)

I went through almost the same thing, my wife told me several years after. It's hard, because you feel like a fool for letting someone play you like that for so long. 

My advice? Be completly honest, right now, about how it made you feel. Don't accept any excuses about hiding it to protect you, or how it was somehow your fault, because it isn't. It was her own selfishness that did this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My advice, do not marry her.

Think of it like this. Right now your on the test drive. You found out that the car you are test driving is lemon with a lousy motor. You wouldn't buy the car, why would you marry her?

Oh, and its very likely she's had more OMs than that one. Her moving out so quickly was likely due to another guy, and that failed so she came back to talk to you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Mid's 20s you're still a baby.

BTW, she's still working with him or at the same place?......

My main problem would be why she really left? Was it really over, was it only one time, was she moving to be with him? Did it not work and she's coming back?

Bluff her, or make her take a polygraph test.

My advice to, as a young kid, cut your losses and run. There are ALOT of fish in the sea, I mean ALLLLLLOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT.

But being young, you'll probably want to stick it out because you're in love. If so

Quit her job if she's still working with him.
Access to phones, FB, e-mails, everything.
Take a polygraph to see if it was only one time and with only 1 guy.

BTW, if you take her back, you're going to be watching her like a prison warden for a LONG time. Is that what you want?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

The Traveler said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm new here, so please forgive the lack of abbreviations.
> 
> ...


You are so lucky that you haven't married yet. Makes ALL decisions easier. 

If you feel that you can work through all of this and come out on the other side satisfied, by all means, try to work it out. But know that she has it in her to both cheat _and_ cover it up for years.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

I would love to be able to say i believe her story but,sadly i don't. I think you need to dig way much deeper then you have done.. I will bold some parts






The Traveler said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm new here, so please forgive the lack of abbreviations.
> 
> ...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

This one's easy

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Traveler (Nov 28, 2012)

No, she no longer works there and hasn't for 3 years. Since then we've moved a few hundred miles away. I'm quite confident that she no longer has contact with him. 

She also admitted to going clubbing a number of times without my knowledge and without me. She claims that it was just to dance with her friends...

You know what, reading this over makes things look bad. Reading this 3 months ago I would have advised myself to drop this woman. I had no idea that I was actually in a relationship with an unfaithful partner who has lied about her whereabouts and hid her PA. I feel like an absolute idiot... yet I cant help but feel I need to try work this out. 

I have no thoroughly checked her phone, email, facebook etc. I'm torn between doing this without her knowledge, and informing her that I would like us to sit down and go through it all together. If I do it without her knowledge I feel like I would be breaking my "code" of honesty


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Why did she move back in with you after she broke up, and signed a new contract?
Some details are missing between that time frame.
Both of you have been together since your teens.
She knows exactly how to manipulate you,and she has probably done so many times.
I'm going to point out two times when you got played by her.

#1 That time she slept with the particular guy. You knew he was after ,and yet you allowed her to convince you that she was not interested in him, when she was. You saw the signs, but you choose to believe her.

#2 When she " dumped " you and left. You were not expecting her to do it so it came " out of the blue." Her actions were cold and premeditated. Obviously whatever plan she had didn't work out.

#3 Possibly even now she may very well be playing you. 10 days after she dumped you, she is back in your life, playing on your emotions.
She's reading you and knows exactly how you would react.


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## shecheatedVA (Nov 11, 2012)

Hey Buddy. Sorry to hear about that. It sucks big time. I know exactly how that feels. My wife did the same thing when we were back in college and she just told me 15 fu*ken years later!!! I feel exactly how you feel but I have the whole kids, family, house, mortgage, shared bills, family etc. I'd take the advice from the others, she's not worth marrying. I'm contemplating divorce, splltting up but it comes with the weight of abandoing my family and considerably cutting my income in 1/2. 

Quick story: My wife and I dated all through college. Have been together for 1/2 of our life basically. She tells me a few weeks ago (after 10 years of marriage) that she had a 2 month affair with this f*cktard we knew. Said she was at a really low point and was thinking about breaking up .. yada.. yada.. yada. It's thrown me into a complete tailspin. Completely ruined my life and what I thought we had built everything upon.

Leave her buddy. Had I known back then, I would have dropped her like a bad habit. I'm stuck now or I completely ruin the lives of my kids. Good luck and I feel for ya'.

Here's the complete story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...l-affair-also-physical-dont-know-what-do.html


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

My first post was made since you want to reconcile. But
i will say I'm with *Shaggy* on this..He is completely right on..

You should really consider it..

And regarding checking Facebook,email´s,phone recordes

It should *NOT BE DONE TOGETHER*..

Don't give her a chance to delete ,or give her the time to come up with some BS story.To what you potentially might find.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

About a year after we got married I read in my wifes diary, her talking about having sex with another guy when I was in basic military training, I rug swept it.

6 years later this october 1st... she just left me and now has a new boyfriend... even posted a facebook pic of the two of them together... divorce isn't even final until late march...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The Traveler said:


> No, she no longer works there and hasn't for 3 years. Since then we've moved a few hundred miles away. I'm quite confident that she no longer has contact with him.
> 
> She also admitted to going clubbing a number of times without my knowledge and without me. She claims that it was just to dance with her friends...
> 
> ...


A short time ago she moved out on you. Planned it in advance and gave you no warning. Her fiance, who she has known seven years and been romantically involved with for five. That is how much you meant to her. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. You received absolutely no consideration. Think about that. 

*Think, step by step, of how many days she went to bed with you, woke up with you, spent time with you, all the while making plans to leave you, and not saying one single solitary word to you about it. That's some pretty cold stuff there.* Forget the infidelity for a second, just the way she handled the moving out shows a *total lack of character on her part and a total lack of caring for your feelings*. This is the woman you want to marry? She doesn't care about you. The way she moved out is a bad sign, real bad, I think much worse than the infidelity. And this is before you even start to think about the lies of going clubbing and probable infidelity with other men besides the one she confessed.

So, she moves out. Gone for 10 days and you get the call. "I want to come home." It's really like a dog-and-pony show over there, isn't it? She calls the shots and you come running.

You are posting on an infidelity forum about a person who confessed to infidelity. Also, *many of us here have been involved in romantic relationships for longer than you have been alive*. Most people who post here, like yourself, are doing so because they KNOW deep down that something is terribly wrong but they don't want to believe it. 

But that's why you're here, you know it's not right and are having a hard time coming to terms with it and are hoping that we all say you have nothing to worry about, it's just a minor bump in the road, go forward full steam ahead. Not going to happen. There's a lot of conflicting opinions on these threads. I am predicting that there won't be too much conflict on this one. It's pretty obvious what's going on.

You lack experience in relationships that don't work out. Many of us here have had various or dare I say numerous romances that ended in breakups. It hurts when someone dumps you. Love of your parents, your children, your siblings all are unconditional. You will love them no matter what. Love of your friends and your romantic partners is conditioned on them treating you with dignity and respect.

If your fiance had come to you, told you that she was not happy, that she wanted to end it, that she planned to move out, then you could move forward with a memory of an honorable person of character who liked you but realized she did not love you and treated you with respect. How she handled it reeks of sneakiness, and sneakiness reeks of cheating, and surprise, surprise - she confessed that she cheated on you and went clubbing without you and hid it from you. S N E A K Y.

Just end this thing and move on. You KNOW there have been other men beside the one she confessed.

If you insist on continuing the relationship, tell her you will require a polygraph. It will be the best money you ever spent. It literally will save your life.

Get her alone at a time when you both have several hours to spend. Tell her that for you to continue in the relationship, you need to see all of her messages, texts, emails, call logs, facebook, etc. Make her show you them on the spot, don't give her time to delete them. You should be able to spot frequent calls/texts to the other man who didn't work out with her apartment plan. Hopefully she didn't delete the content, but you will be able to see them on the bill.

When she moved out on you for 10 days, it was because she was "in love" with another man. That's why she left as suddenly and stealthily as she did.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

You will severely regret it if you marry her. You have the perfect opportunity to get free now. 

I could never trust a woman who's been lying for 3.5 years to me to stay faithful for life.

Don't be afraid - you will be able to find another woman like her...better than her.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

After 3 years of marriage, you will come home one night from a business trip; you will ask her if there is anything she wants to tell you (you will be referring to your up coming anniversary plans and if she has picked a vacation spot for the two of you) and she will reply "Yes". She will then inform you that she cheated on you while you two were engaged. The blood in your body will rush to your feet and your mind will spin. You will do the marriage counseling and try to save your marriage. 

Fifteen years will pass and you will return from a family reunion and your wife will ask to speak with you on the sofa. She will tell you what a wonderful guy you are and how she knows you are the kind of guy who likes the truth. The truth will be she cheated on you again! You will never be the same again!

Oh...wait...that's not your life...it's mine...Dear God how I wish I was you right now...she will turn you into the biggest IDIOT on your block...please, please, please, I beg you...RUN do NOT walk. If she truly loved you she would herself set you free.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The Traveler said:


> I'm quite confident that she no longer has contact with him.


How? You admit you don't want to monitor her communications. However, I agree. It's unlikely she wants to continue a fling long distance. What should concern you is whether she has a new, local fling going on.



The Traveler said:


> She also admitted to going clubbing a number of times without my knowledge and without me. She claims that it was just to dance with her friends...


Then why hide it? You sound like just the sort of white knight to have no problems at all with her having her girls night out at the club. You would probably offer to come pick her up at the end of the night to save her cab fare. The reason she hid it is because she was out with her friends trolling for guys. And you know how hard it is for a young woman to find casual sex in a club.



The Traveler said:


> You know what, reading this over makes things look bad. Reading this 3 months ago I would have advised myself to drop this woman. I had no idea that I was actually in a relationship with an unfaithful partner who has lied about her whereabouts and hid her PA. I feel like an absolute idiot... yet I cant help but feel I need to try work this out.


You're not an idiot. You're just ignorant. You didn't know what your girlfriend was capable of and what you should be doing to prevent it. Lesson learned. As for working it out, why? Working through infidelity is for people who have children together, a business together, and a lifetime of mutually acquired property. That's so difficult to disentangle that you may be better off working through the infidelity. A young couple who isn't married, has no kids, and has no assets is easy. You can end this with a phone call or an email. And you should. Otherwise you'll wind up one of those forty-somethings who have to pay a lawyer tens of thousands of dollars to fight for an extra day a month of visitation with your kids.



The Traveler said:


> I have no thoroughly checked her phone, email, facebook etc. I'm torn between doing this without her knowledge, and informing her that I would like us to sit down and go through it all together. If I do it without her knowledge I feel like I would be breaking my "code" of honesty


Code of honesty? Seriously? Let me ask you something. If you have a roach infestation, do you check your code and start talking to the bugs and give them a fighting chance? Hell no. You annihilate them. If you want to work through this, and you shouldn't, then you have to treat her like the lying sack of sh!t she is. You check her emails, phone, and facebook without giving her a heads up so that she can delete everything incriminating.

My advice is to go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP. That will make you more attractive to women in general. While you're doing this, call UHaul and reserve your girlfriend a truck so that she can head back over to the apartment she rented. Then, start dating other women casually. Eventually, you may stumble onto a loyal, trustworthy woman who is worthy of marriage.

Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What is the financial equation between you two ? Is she dependent on you ?


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