# telling the other spouse



## justnuts1 (Oct 17, 2011)

Do you tell the other spouse about the affair that has no idea its going on?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

It would be the right thing to do.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

omega said:


> It would be the right thing to do.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

emphatic yes


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

I was thinking about this. But then there's a chance that the other spouse will break off the marriage and make it even easier for the two betraying spouses to be together. I just don't want to see them happy. I know my soon to be ex wife wants the OM and his wife to break up and I don't want to see her get what she wants
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> I was thinking about this. But then there's a chance that the other spouse will break off the marriage and make it even easier for the two betraying spouses to be together. I just don't want to see them happy. I know my soon to be ex wife wants the OM and his wife to break up and I don't want to see her get what she wants
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It could happen like that, but 9 times out of 10, the affair is basically a fantasy life, and when both spouses are facing divorce and reality, they aren't going to go riding off into the sunset together, and if they do, it's unlikely to end well for them in any case. 

And even if they do end up together, it's still not a reason to keep the other BS in the dark. They have a right to know what their spouse is doing to them and what kind of a marriage they're in. If you happen to be the first BS to find out, filling in the other BS is right, fair, and hopefully what they would have done for you if the roles were reversed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> I was thinking about this. But then there's a chance that the other spouse will break off the marriage and make it even easier for the two betraying spouses to be together. I just don't want to see them happy. I know my soon to be ex wife wants the OM and his wife to break up and I don't want to see her get what she wants
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1) their relationship is very likely doomed to fail anyways- 3% success rate
2) if they both leave their spouses then the betrayed spouse is actually gettinga favor as they lost them anyways
3) in many cases the one wayward throws the other under the bus to protect himself/herself as they never wanted to divorce anyways- this helps snap a wayward out of the fog in some cases (as it did mine)
4) affairs lose their excitement when exposed and often deteriorate or they feel shame when exposed
5) the betrayed spouse needs to have all the facts to make a informed decision, often they see a failing marriage and have no idea why or blame themselves

I always think informing the OMW or OWH is a good idea and that person deserves to know


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> 5) the betrayed spouse needs to have all the facts to make a informed decision, often they see a failing marriage and have no idea why or blame themselves


This is a powerful one right here.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

If you expose to the Other Spouse... Sooner rather than later.


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

:iagree: But it is a hard thing to do


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Neal, this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:
> 
> _Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!*
> 
> ...


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

Another thing I was thinking about is that I don't know what the OM is capable of. If I tell his wife, I don't want him coming around and trying to hurt my family. That's the last thing we need when all of us are trying to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AR--thanks for doing that. Because that is exactly what I was going to post! 

Just--definitely follow that info up there that I typed up. The affair partner's spouse has EVERY right to know their spouse is cheating so they can make a decision based on facts and get tested for STDs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> Another thing I was thinking about is that I don't know what the OM is capable of. If I tell his wife, I don't want him coming around and trying to hurt my family. That's the last thing we need when all of us are trying to move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fear keeps a lot of people from doing things that they should.

You don't know what he's capable of? Been, he was capable of inflicting damage to your marriage and did not care one bit. So you should tell his wife. She has the right to know the truth. Do not tell your wife or him beforehand that you are going to expose for all the reasons listed above. They did not give you any warning about them having an affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> AR--thanks for doing that. Because that is exactly what I was going to post!
> 
> Just--definitely follow that info up there that I typed up. The affair partner's spouse has EVERY right to know their spouse is cheating so they can make a decision based on facts and get tested for STDs.


btw- your link is still not going to the right place


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

You're right, he's capable of horrible things. So what's to say he's not capable of coming to my house and causing more problems with me and my family? As much as I want to tell her, I'm not sure if its the best move if it would lead to much more contact between us and them for awhile to come. That's not something we need right now. My family is just as devastated as I am and I just want all of us to move on from this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he comes to you house, call the police. Most OM are cowards and don't hold a candle to the husband. They tend to scatter off into darkness once the affair is exposed.

You NEED to tell his wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> btw- your link is still not going to the right place


Someone else mentioned that to me and I don't know how to fix it!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

All the better if he does try something. He'll be in jail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Kick up a sh!t storm...major and large. You're worried about them getting together and sticking together? It'll never last...she'll constantly worry every time he goes out for milk or erases texts...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Someone else mentioned that to me and I don't know how to fix it!


edit the link to http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/33021-saw-wife-cheating-my-friend-5.html#post450629

(click on the link, and then cut and paste the address from the browser)


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

So I decided I'm gonna do it and call the guys wife. I found her on Facebook and sent her a message but no response yet.... What's weird is that she updated her status after I sent the message. And then I also got her cell number but no answer. I'm thinking of leaving a voicemail but not sure yet. I wanna do this today cuz it's my wife's birthday today and I know that her and the OM are together. I wanna ruin both of their day as soon as possible
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

*beenbetrayed*, what you're doing takes a lot of courage and is difficult, but it is the right thing to do. Realize that the OMW is going to be most likely in shock and denial about it, and may not react the way you would expect. But she has the right to know, and you are doing the right thing, as hard as it is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BeenBetrayed...can you send her a private message on her Facebook? Remember, you want to come across as being informative (letting her know about the affair) and also as caring about her/genuine concern...for both of your marriages/etc.

You should say something to her like this:

OM's Wife,

Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Your Name"


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Honestly, I know the conventional wisdom is to call the other BS. I have a differnt take on this atleast for those who have a WS who claim to want to R. I would have THEM call the other BS and tell them what is going on while in your presence.
But maybe thats just my vindictive mind at work.


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

I just talked to her on the phone. Told her everything. Emailed her all the proof I have....... She's pissed off and said that it all makes sense....

Man that felt great.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Nice work
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

beenbetrayed said:


> I just talked to her on the phone. Told her everything. Emailed her all the proof I have....... She's pissed off and said that it all makes sense....
> 
> Man that felt great.


Fantastic , if your wife comes home mad , repeat " exposure is not what is harming our marriage your affair is". Keep calm , ignore any threats that may be made to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Been, good for you for letting her know the truth. It's a hard thing to do but she had every right to know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Great work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your wife is totally going to lose her sh*t which is completely part of the SCRIPT after exposure of the affair. 

Just like Eli said--don't own her bad behavior. Just tell her "His wife has a right to know the truth. This would not have happened if you did not have an affair."


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Just tell her "His wife has a right to know the truth. This would not have happened if you did not have an affair."


Yea thats the plan if she talks to me about. But I haven't talked to her since I left on Sunday so I probably wont even talk to her still.


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

The OM is now threatening me over texts. Telling me to make sure I have bars on my windows. Wonderful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

Call the cops. He just threatened you.


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

Police said that it won't hold up in court so there's no point in filing a report
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Ignore him but keep his text messages, if you can extract them from your phone and store them .

It's early days he will be in damage control. His next trick is to gaslight you. 

I am sure your wife will find out soon enough or already knows, be patient and observe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Ignore him but keep his text messages, if you can extract them from your phone and store them .
> 
> It's early days he will be in damage control. His next trick is to gaslight you.
> 
> ...


My H has been following the SCRIPT to a T!!!! It is so textbook. He is exposed now for sure. I made the final exposure and it was such a relief for me. I informed his command and now let them take it to the level it needs to go. He will blame me for "ruining his career" but I will respond with "oh really, I made you have an affair right??"


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Whatever you do, don't delete the texts. You can probably still file a police report if you insist - even if they say it won't make it anywhere in court, you can simply say, fair enough, but I want the report to exist in case it escalates. If you go in person to the police station they probably won't turn you away.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

omega said:


> Whatever you do, don't delete the texts. You can probably still file a police report if you insist - even if they say it won't make it anywhere in court, you can simply say, fair enough, but I want the report to exist in case it escalates. If you go in person to the police station they probably won't turn you away.


You have to absolutely file a report and get this on the record. 

Also, go to the county attorney and file a compalint. He's elected. If you don't get a response use local news media. Make as much noise as possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> The OM is now threatening me over texts. Telling me to make sure I have bars on my windows. Wonderful
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell him that if he comes anywhere near you or threatens you, you will call the police. 

No doubt sh-t hit the fan at home. Good. He needs to own what he did for once. 

I would block his # from your phone so he can't contact you (and by the way, HOW does he have your phone # to text you???)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell him that if he comes anywhere near you or threatens you, you will call the police.
> 
> No doubt sh-t hit the fan at home. Good. He needs to own what he did for once.
> 
> I would block his # from your phone so he can't contact you (and by the way, HOW does he have your phone # to text you???)


my guess is his wife gave it to him since he's already moved out


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

Yea I'm just keeping the texts for now. I'm sure it was my wife who gave him the number. They were together last night
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

have you exposed to her family yet?


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> have you exposed to her family yet?


Yea I have. They're devastated. They're very traditional so they're basically going to disown her after all this. They really might never talk to her again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

You guys will love this. So my friend broke up with his fiancé because she cheated on him with her ex. The OM happened to be at a club we were at last night with his wife. Me and my friend's brother decided we're gonna tell the OM's wife as soon as we saw them. He pulled the OM to the side while I told his wife everything. The OM got in my friends face and security had to knock him to the ground. Club got shut down. Frickin awesome night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> 1) their relationship is very likely doomed to fail anyways- 3% success rate
> 2) if they both leave their spouses then the betrayed spouse is actually gettinga favor as they lost them anyways
> 3) in many cases the one wayward throws the other under the bus to protect himself/herself as they never wanted to divorce anyways- this helps snap a wayward out of the fog in some cases (as it did mine)
> 4) affairs lose their excitement when exposed and often deteriorate or they feel shame when exposed
> ...


I agree. The stress of the exposure usally sends the betrayed spouses into freak out mode then reality hits them.

In my case after exposure, my OM actually called to stir up some [email protected], I think he thought he could cause a wedge between my husband and I and weasle his way back in, OR, he just wanted to have pity on him and drop the legal case...who knows, and I don't care.

The other spouse really needs to know, she may already have suspicions anyway, and this would confirm that she is not a wack job.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If he comes to you house, call the police. Most OM are cowards and don't hold a candle to the husband. They tend to scatter off into darkness once the affair is exposed.
> 
> You NEED to tell his wife.


:iagree:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> I just talked to her on the phone. Told her everything. Emailed her all the proof I have....... She's pissed off and said that it all makes sense....
> 
> Man that felt great.


Great job, now she knows she wasn't crazy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Actually your scenario of the OM coming around to cause trouble would be an "incentive" for me to expose.

If my wife had an affair I`d love it if the OM gave me such an opportunity for me to ruin his life.

I live in Florida, there is a "Castle Law" so I could legally beat him into hospitalization or kill him and if I`m feeling generous I can merely have him arrested.

Win/Win


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> You guys will love this. So my friend broke up with his fiancé because she cheated on him with her ex. The OM happened to be at a club we were at last night with his wife. Me and my friend's brother decided we're gonna tell the OM's wife as soon as we saw them. He pulled the OM to the side while I told his wife everything. The OM got in my friends face and security had to knock him to the ground. Club got shut down. Frickin awesome night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My what a great ending to a night!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

beenbetrayed said:


> You guys will love this. So my friend broke up with his fiancé because she cheated on him with her ex. The OM happened to be at a club we were at last night with his wife. Me and my friend's brother decided we're gonna tell the OM's wife as soon as we saw them. He pulled the OM to the side while I told his wife everything. The OM got in my friends face and security had to knock him to the ground. Club got shut down. Frickin awesome night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't understand....didn't you already tell her everything on October 19th? Exposure??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

DailyGrind said:


> I don't understand....didn't you already tell her everything on October 19th? Exposure??


He's referring to his friends fiance's OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

Yea. My friend's fiance's OM. I bet he wishes he stayed home last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

beenbetrayed said:


> Yea. My friend's fiance's OM. I bet he wishes he stayed home last night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahhh...sorry. so many cheaters in this world....hard to keep up.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Tellling the spouse is so right.

In the new George Clooney movie, The Descendants, there is a line when people are talking about the wife of the OM 

The friend of the teen dd says “I hope he was sorry, man. I mean, you could have told his wife and you didn’t. I would have told her everything. I mean, that guy doesn’t know how lucky he is. She deserves to know too. What? She’s just going to be a dumb b*tch for the rest of her life. I’m just saying.” 



My favorite part of the whole great movie!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> I was thinking about this. But then there's a chance that the other spouse will break off the marriage and make it even easier for the two betraying spouses to be together. I just don't want to see them happy. I know my soon to be ex wife wants the OM and his wife to break up and I don't want to see her get what she wants
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I found out about my H's, A I would have kicked him out but I didn't want to make it easy for the OW. My guess is that is what will happen. The wife will hang on to the bum just to spite your WW. In any case they have a less than %3 chance of being together and happy. That is just the way these things work out. The bs has a right to know about the OW.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> You guys will love this. So my friend broke up with his fiancé because she cheated on him with her ex. The OM happened to be at a club we were at last night with his wife. Me and my friend's brother decided we're gonna tell the OM's wife as soon as we saw them. He pulled the OM to the side while I told his wife everything. The OM got in my friends face and security had to knock him to the ground. Club got shut down. Frickin awesome night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just loving this, Merry Christmas.... Nothing better in one of these ordeals than when the cheaters get slapped with the reality that they are scum and now everyone knows it.

Put em on cheaterville too, the gift that keeps on giving. oh yeah, send ema link too.


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Just loving this, Merry Christmas.... Nothing better in one of these ordeals than when the cheaters get slapped with the reality that they are scum and now everyone knows it.
> 
> Put em on cheaterville too, the gift that keeps on giving. oh yeah, send ema link too.


Yup. Karmas a *****. It's funny I never believed in karma before but with everything that's been happening in my life lately, I'm definitely starting to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> Yup. Kamas a *****. It's funny I never believed in karma before but with everything that's been happening in my life lately, I'm definitely starting to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh and ironically the club that we were at that night was called Karma! Hahaha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> Yup. Karmas a *****. It's funny I never believed in karma before but with everything that's been happening in my life lately, I'm definitely starting to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really my life, I should say my stbxw's and her OM's life. Karma has definitely played a role in their lives
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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