# Impact on kids?



## JohnDoe2012

I am seriously considering getting a divorce, but I am posting in the "life after divorce" section because I really need to hear from people who have gone through it. For those of you who have gone through it: what was the impact on your kids? My daughter is a teen, and is the only thing holding me back from divorce. I worry about the impact in her. I always said that I would never put my happiness before hers, but now I am starting to believe that living with miserable parents is even worse. Or am I fooling myself in that? My daughter is a teen, early high school; she is an excellent student, is fit, participates in sports, and we are told by her teachers that she is highly respectful, quiet but with confidence. Does anyone have any stories to share regarding the impact of their divorce on their kids?


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## EnjoliWoman

As long as you don't put your child in the middle, that is what counts. And being a united front. The best situation is where both parents tell the child together, agree on the 'story' - that you just aren't happy together and have tried for years but don't want to continue the farce... WITHOUT BLAME. If one parent blames the other, then the child often takes sides out of loyalty to the 'hurt' party and then the tug-of-war ensues.

I think your daughter will be fine if you follow those guidelines. My daughter seems to be doing fine although her Dad pushed her to choose sides, told her lies, etc. but we are in a good place now. She is 14, athletic, not so studious, has great friends that span across the 'cliques'...

But let me add that the grass is not usually greener on the other side. Being a single parent, missing special times, having to split holidays, entering the dating scene again - it's all really hard. Unless your wife refuses marriage counseling, perhaps you really ought to have a sit down and explain you are near the breaking point and go from there.


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## stillhoping

I agree, this is a woman you loved at some time in your life, have you taken yourself out of the marriage? Can you work your way back? Make the commitment to your daughter to try to save her family. My kids were in their 20's when exH decided to leave, no chance to change anything, just done. And my kids are both really competent, together kids as well, but the youngest left college to come home to be with me and is still struggling. The oldest is quiet about it but it is hard. They never have their whole family together anymore, had to see Dad at his sister's house on Christmas. No matter how you slice it, it sucks. Do what you can to stay


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## Freak On a Leash

If you can, try and keep your daughter in the same school, house, neighborhood. It makes it easier in that respect. 

Growing up with two parents who are miserable is pretty bad but if you do divorce, make every attempt to coparent and work things out because you will have to deal with each other throughout your lives. Your child is that connection. 

My husband is an alcoholic who has done some pretty awful things to me and my kids but he's an important fixture in our 15 year old son's life so I'm making every effort I can to encourage cooperation and working together in order to get an amicable divorce. As I told him, it's important for not only us, but for our son. 

Fortunately your daughter is old enough to understand that sometimes relationships and marriage change and break up and will hopefully accept your divorce. How she relates to both of you is up to you and how you handle it. As one person said, don't put her in the middle and don't disrupt too many aspects of her life.


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## EleGirl

A divorce will impact your daughter. You can do things to make it easier, but it will not be easy for her.

My son and step children were in elementary school when the divorces happened. They are all in their mid 20's now.

My son was lost for a long time. He did not pull through until after high school. He's doing very well now in college. He says that all the way through those years from 2nd grade till after high school he was angry and it interferred with everything in his life. But now he's finally ok.


My two step children have never recovered. They are lost souls right now...non-productive, doing drugs, etc. 

If you go through with the divorce you might want to set up counseling for your child. Do things in a way that disrupt her life as littel as possible.


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## Dewayne76

My daughter is only 3 years old. We have already noticed our separation causing issues with her. She's also starting to cry more and more now. She's getting unruly all of a sudden. I don't think it's a late terrible two's either. This happend as soon as we started living apart and swapping out. I mean IMMEDIATELY! 

I bet this is what does in the "little angel" we had. She is still smart and so minding, but she gets in her moods and especially if she remembers the other. Like mommy while being with me. once that hits, she's completely a different child. Ignores me, doesn't listen etc. I'm finding out it's like that with the stbxw as well. 

However, she's actually getting to want me more and more than being with her. She called last night so I could talk to Jo. She immediately was saying "I wanna go your house! I don't wanna be here" Then before we hung up she was getting pissed because stbxw told her "you can't go over there right now baby" She got mad and started screaming "I want daddy! I don't like it here"

This.... is rough. So glad to hear her wanting me to bad but hearing her screaming her head off because she couldn't be with me is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with , outside of the divorce itself. 

And the bad thing? My wife says "She's fine. She'll be ok in the future" Sure, you can be ok after having brain cancer and going through all the surgerys and losing function in parts of your body, sure you can be ok but by god you'll wish like he11 you'd never had gone through that crap!


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## Holland

I agree with pretty much all of the other posters. It is hard on kids but the way you and your wife handle it can make all the difference.

I am the child of divorced parents and the mother of two kids myself. My parents did not do it so well, it wasn't amicable and I still deal with the fallout as a middle aged woman.

My ex and I have been quite amicable and have done everything we can to keep the kids best interests to the fore. We went and spoke to their teachers straight away to give them the heads up and to ask they keep an eye on the kids.

The children's education is paramount to their dad and I, we kept them at the same schools even though it has been hard financially. Both have kept their grades very well (oldest has maintained his A+ scores), they have also managed to keep their social circes going which is important.

We do 50/50 shared care and go to all school events together. We do the occasional family outing and we celebrate birthdays and Christmas together with our extended families.
We do not argue in front of the kids and let them know that we are in constant contact. This is important because it heads off any potential child to adult manipulation.

We do not put down the other parent and we encourage the kids to call or txt the other parent whenever they wish.

We are both fairly much on the same page when it comes to introducing new partners to the children which is vital.

The first year was difficult as we had our own stresses and hardships to deal with but we always kept the kids to the fore and this has done all of us good. The kids are overall fairly happyand well adjusted.

BUT even though we have done all we could there have still been issues. All children want their parents to be together and mine are no different. It breaks my heart to see my girl crying because her dad and I are divorced. But we give her lots of love and patience and help them both through this as best we can.

All the best OP, it is a hard journey. If it does end up going this way then please do all you can to keep your daughters best interests to the fore. I am sure you will but if you need support there are plenty of wonderful people here that can help.


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## JohnDoe2012

Thanks very much everyone for your advice. I have lots to think about.


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## Freak On a Leash

Dewayne76 said:


> . She immediately was saying "I wanna go your house! I don't wanna be here" Then before we hung up she was getting pissed because stbxw told her "you can't go over there right now baby" She got mad and started screaming "I want daddy! I don't like it here"!


Keep in mind that you and your wife can't let her act like this out of sense of guilt or sadness. You still have to parent her and that's unacceptable behavior. You need to work together on this or else your "angel" will indeed turn into a monster. 

You have to discipline a child from a broken home just as much, if not more, than one that comes from a two parent family. It's important that you work together and be on the same page, regardless of what other problems you may have. And whatever you do, don't let your child manipulate you by using you against each other. If you don't think a toddler is capable of this, then think again. 

If you continue to let her behave like this in 10 years when she's 13 you'll have more trouble then you can imagine. 

If you both coparent and work together to raise her than yes, she will be "fine". Children have to learn that life isn't perfect and you have to take what comes at you and deal with it. She'll live. Fortunately this isn't brain cancer. Not even close.


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## WomanScorned

I swear my kids are taking it better than I am. The key is to stay on good terms with the ex and make sure that you are united in raising the kids. I am in close contact with him about the kids and their needs. If they are misbehaving for me and heading to dad's the next day, I will tell him about it, and the kids know he knows. He has cancelled fun plans with them once or twice due to their behavior for me. I have done the same for him. Now they get it that mom and dad still communicate about them. 

I don't know how they'll be in the future, but I'm hoping they'll be ok. Sometimes the baby (3) cries for her dad, and I hate that because I truly think that it's so wrong that she is in the position where she doesn't get to see both parents every day. But there's nothing she or I can do about it except accept it and move on with life. I guess it's a good lesson to learn, but it comes at a high price.


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## Holland

WomanScorned said:


> I swear my kids are taking it better than I am. *The key is to stay on good terms with the ex and make sure that you are united in raising the kids. I am in close contact with him about the kids and their needs. If they are misbehaving for me and heading to dad's the next day, I will tell him about it, and the kids know he knows. He has cancelled fun plans with them once or twice due to their behavior for me. I have done the same for him. Now they get it that mom and dad still communicate about them. *
> 
> I don't know how they'll be in the future, but I'm hoping they'll be ok. Sometimes the baby (3) cries for her dad, and I hate that because I truly think that it's so wrong that she is in the position where she doesn't get to see both parents every day. But there's nothing she or I can do about it except accept it and move on with life. I guess it's a good lesson to learn, but it comes at a high price.


This is how we operate to a degree and it is working well. We have some issues (not divorce related) around the older child and have worked out a strategy that ex and I will both implement in our own homes and stay in contact about how it is going.

We try to have similar bed times and basic rules at both homes.


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## 3Xnocharm

With your daughter being a teenager, I am sure she is more than aware of how things are between you. If you can keep her in the same school, that helps big time. You are in a little easier position, because with her being older, she can have say in what she does, where she goes, etc. You and your stbxw need to be as flexible and as open as possible...let her visit each other when she wants, dont limit phone calls, that kind of thing. Be nice to each other and cooperative, dont make her choose sides, and dont slam each other in her presence. My daughter is 16 and we have been divorced since she was 3, and her dad and I have always been friendly with each other and flexible with her schedule, for like family get togethers, and what not. Treat her with respect, and things will go much more smoothly.


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## 3Xnocharm

Dewayne76 said:


> My daughter is only 3 years old. We have already noticed our separation causing issues with her. She's also starting to cry more and more now. She's getting unruly all of a sudden. I don't think it's a late terrible two's either. This happend as soon as we started living apart and swapping out. I mean IMMEDIATELY!
> 
> I bet this is what does in the "little angel" we had. She is still smart and so minding, but she gets in her moods and especially if she remembers the other. Like mommy while being with me. once that hits, she's completely a different child. Ignores me, doesn't listen etc. I'm finding out it's like that with the stbxw as well.
> 
> However, she's actually getting to want me more and more than being with her. She called last night so I could talk to Jo. She immediately was saying "I wanna go your house! I don't wanna be here" Then before we hung up she was getting pissed because stbxw told her "you can't go over there right now baby" She got mad and started screaming "I want daddy! I don't like it here"
> 
> This.... is rough. So glad to hear her wanting me to bad but hearing her screaming her head off because she couldn't be with me is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with , outside of the divorce itself.
> 
> And the bad thing? My wife says "She's fine. She'll be ok in the future" Sure, you can be ok after having brain cancer and going through all the surgerys and losing function in parts of your body, sure you can be ok but by god you'll wish like he11 you'd never had gone through that crap!


My daughter was 3 when we divorced, and 3 was the absolute worst age she has every gone through! The "terrible twos" were a picnic by comparison! And going through the divorce I'm sure just compounded everything. Hang in there. As long as you and your ex communicate and keep her best interest in mind, it will get better, you will get through this.


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## raising5boyz

Just had a talk with my oldest son last night. He has been through two divorces now....first from his father when he was 8 and then from my second husband when he was 13. He has handled it very well and I asked him if he had any ideas why compared to other children with divorcing parents. He said one of the things that helped him the most was understanding why it was happening. With his father it was abuse and quite obvious why we left....with my second husband it was infidelity. I told my the kids who were old enough to understand why the divorce was happening...and the reasons I could not forgive/keep working on it....or whatever. At the same time....in both divorces I maintained a sense of respect towards the ex's while discussing the issues. We talked a lot about choices and how they affect a persons life....mistakes and the path to correcting mistakes. We also talked about how a person can still be a good person and make bad choices....and that a spouse must decide what they can and can not live with.

I know some will argue that kids should not know anything....I have always raised my boys very openly with a lot of communication. So far it has worked great for us.

Just one more side note: Oddly enough...when my second husband was cheating, long before I knew about it, my two oldest boys both had dreams about him cheating. So in some way, they had a feeling it was coming.

I would say make sure the marriage is absolutely irrepareable before divorcing. And good luck.


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## Bafuna

I have been wondering whether to talk to my 9 year old about the whole divorce thing and why its happening. I feel that its important that he understands so that he does not make the same mistakes in his adult life, but how do you have the talk without sounding like you are badmouthing the spouse?

I absolutely agree with what you did RAISING5BOYS and Im so glad to hear your sons are so understanding. My son does not talk about it, does not seem affected, is happy at his new school and happy where we are staying at my mom's house since it was a farmilia home before. 

As much as Im happy he's taking the whole thing OK I worry if 

1. He's not really hurting inside and failing to express himself and this will manifest later
2. He's really OK and does not see the pain divorce causes and will himself grow up thinking nothing of it and make poor decisions in his marriage

With my kids their dad stayed with us for only limited periods in the holidays and he came less and less towards the end as he was cheating the whole time and had little time for his family so the kids are used to his absence. My 3 year old talks about him constantly though.....


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## Freak On a Leash

My daughter is happy I'm getting divorced. She told me to divorce my husband 2 years ago. She can't stand being near him so she's glad I'm finally making the break and he won't be spending time at the apartment or with us for holidays. He's treated her like crap so I can't blame her. 

My son however still feels attached to and loves his father. He now sees him regularly and I have no problem with that provided he stays sober. It's for his sake that I need to maintain a friendly, civil tone with his father.

He isn't happy about the divorce because for a long time he was hoping we'd be a "family" again but it's been a bad situation for a long time, especially recently. 

He knows what his father is and what the problem (my husband's alcoholism) is. He is more interested in "being there" and "supporting" my husband and not our marriage being saved, especially since we've been living apart for over 2 years. It's made it easier on him as a result because we've been acting like we're divorced for awhile now. This didn't happen suddenly so I guess the transition is easier. 

The topic of me dating came up and he DID not like the idea of that. My daughter encourages me to date! But I told my son that I do not intend to bring anyone home and he'll never know. My apartment will be off limits to any SOs if my son is here. I intend to keep any dating I do on the down low. I dont want or need for my son to deal with that.


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## lonewolf8545

I'm divorced with 4 kids and I can tell you as long as you and your wife keep her out of it and are respectful to each other she'll be fine. (My kids know that if they show my ex any disrespect I will come down on them hard)

Your going to have to make a point of staying close to her and make an extra effort to be involved in her life and make sure she knows YOU love her.

Knock on wood, but my kids are as good as ever. Just because you get divorced doesn't mean the kids have to be screwed up.


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## Corpuswife

Every person is different. My youngest-age 15 was still at home when we broke the news. Up to that point, she new very little of our "problems" other than we were trying to work them out. It wasn't a chaotic household.

My ex and I still get along. We were flexible with arrangements (living/visiting); we maintained living in the same community/school. 

Long story short...at age 16. She was very angry at ME! Not sure why. She was shutdown and angry. Of course I tried everything to get her to talk/counseling, etc. She spiraled out of control.

She is just now coming out of it-2 years later. The trigger was the divorce. Whether she would have had any of the issues later in life-who knows? However, it was full on craziness in her dept. 

Every child is different. There are no guarantees. All you can do it attempt to do the right thing for your child. Then PRAY.


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## angelpixie

Bafuna said:


> As much as Im happy he's taking the whole thing OK I worry if
> 
> 1. He's not really hurting inside and failing to express himself and this will manifest later
> 2. He's really OK and does not see the pain divorce causes and will himself grow up thinking nothing of it and make poor decisions in his marriage


This is something I worry about with my son, too. He was 8 when we split, he's 10 now. He never really talked about the split, never really even cried very much. We did most of our fighting at night when he was already in bed, so he didn't see or hear a lot of rancor. I've worried that he's holding a lot inside.

I've also worried that he doesn't have a solid foundation for what a marriage should be. What I would have liked for him to learn -- working through problems, doing everything you can before busting up a marriage and family. 

I have been honest with him in that I told him his father wanted to split and I did not. That his father said he did not love me anymore and didn't want to be married anymore. I did not go into any more detail than that (nothing about abuse or EAs or anything else). NearlyEx was angry that I wasn't acting as if this was a joint decision, but I will not lie to my son. He doesn't have to know everything that happened, but he needs to know he can trust me.


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## JohnDoe2012

I suppose the question is, is the child better off with miserable parents together, or happy parents apart?


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## angelpixie

Well, if those are really the only choices (meaning, there's NO chance of happy parents together), then I guess it's better to have happy parents apart -- who are sensitive to their kids.


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## Dollystanford

my friend grew up with parents who hated each other and stayed together for the kids

to this day she has never had a serious relationship with anyone (she's nearly 40)

not everyone will react like that but kids pick up on more than you realise


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## JohnDoe2012

Dollystanford said:


> my friend grew up with parents who hated each other and stayed together for the kids
> 
> to this day she has never had a serious relationship with anyone (she's nearly 40)
> 
> not everyone will react like that but kids pick up on more than you realise


My daughter (teen-ager) has already commented that she will never have kids .


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## ImaBasketcase

angelpixie said:


> I have been honest with him in that I told him his father wanted to split and I did not. That his father said he did not love me anymore and didn't want to be married anymore. I did not go into any more detail than that (nothing about abuse or EAs or anything else). NearlyEx was angry that I wasn't acting as if this was a joint decision, but I will not lie to my son. He doesn't have to know everything that happened, but he needs to know he can trust me.


Angelpixie, I find this very interesting -- my son is 8 and we will have to tell him soon about the divorce. One thing my therapist was pretty firm about is that STBXH and I need to present this as a _joint_ decision that we both came to. Which is NOT the case AT ALL. I still very much believe in marriage and I still in fact believe in MY marriage. This is 100% STBXH decision. So it pains me to think that I have to present this as jointly my decision too. I think my therapist wants us to present it this way so that our children don't harbor any resentment against the spouse who is moving out. 

But I worry. Do you feel that your son blames your ExH, or harbors any resentment for him? Do you feel that your son will grow up with a healthy view of marriage?

I worry that my kids will grow up thinking that marriage is just disposable and can be tossed aside easily. I want them to grow up knowing that marriage can be very rewarding, nurturing, and forever if you put in the effort. You just have to make sure you don't marry a dipsh!t.


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## soca70

ImaBasketcase said:


> Angelpixie, I find this very interesting -- my son is 8 and we will have to tell him soon about the divorce. One thing my therapist was pretty firm about is that STBXH and I need to present this as a _joint_ decision that we both came to. Which is NOT the case AT ALL. I still very much believe in marriage and I still in fact believe in MY marriage. This is 100% STBXH decision. So it pains me to think that I have to present this as jointly my decision too. I think my therapist wants us to present it this way so that our children don't harbor any resentment against the spouse who is moving out.
> 
> But I worry. Do you feel that your son blames your ExH, or harbors any resentment for him? Do you feel that your son will grow up with a healthy view of marriage?
> 
> I worry that my kids will grow up thinking that marriage is just disposable and can be tossed aside easily. I want them to grow up knowing that marriage can be very rewarding, nurturing, and forever if you put in the effort. You just have to make sure you don't marry a dipsh!t.


I made it very clear to our family therapist that I was not going to tell our kids this was a joint decision (as I am 100% against this and not my choice). I told her that I would be willing to do it together but to come up with some other kind of messaging or I would tell them it's the STBXW's decision myself. We will be working with the therapist on "crafting" on how to tell them when we get to that point.


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## angelpixie

Ima -- We did tell him together that we were separating, because his dad was going to be moving part of the time to a space he'd rented to use as a photo studio. After a short time of that, NearlyEx moved back in, and we had in-house separation for several more months. Finally, I moved out when it was clear he was not really working on anything other than detaching. I talked about this with my therapist, and the counselors that work with the kids during my weekly DV support group. DS is a very smart kid. They told me that I shouldn't lie. That it was important to let him see my feelings, so that he felt it was OK to have some of the same feelings, too, and to know that I would understand them. Of course, both of us stressed to DS that the split had absolutely nothing to do with him, and that we both loved him just as much as we always did.

I have been careful not to badmouth DS' dad to him. I haven't said "If it wasn't for your dad, we'd all still be happy." When he asked me what happened, I told him what his dad told me, simplified, and explained that when adults fall in love and get married that it's a different kind of love from the love between a parent and a child. That sometimes people change and Daddy didn't have that romantic kind of love for me anymore so he didn't want to be married to me anymore. And that it made me very sad, it wasn't the way I wanted things to be, but I would be OK. 

For the most part, DS handled the transition well. My relationship with him got much closer and stronger -- I believe that part of that was because of how I changed by not living with his dad anymore. NearlyEx was emotionally abusive, and I was a basketcase most of the time, always walking on eggshells. I didn't realize how much it affected my parenting til I was out of it. 

OTOH, NearlyEx immediately started bringing female friends to the house and taking DS to parties at his friends' houses. He went public with his last EA about 11 months ago, and she moved in just before Christmas. THIS is causing problems between DS and his dad, much more than the divorce itself did. NearlyEx is trying to blame the problems on me, but I am insistent that DS treat him with respect and love as his dad, and he knows this. I am always polite to his dad and the GF when DS is around (and if it wasn't for settling the D agreements, would be when DS is not around, too). 

My parents had a rocky marriage most of the time I was growing up. By the time I was DS' age, I knew what was what. I could tell who was in control of the family at any given time, and who was the one trying to do the smoothing over. Kids don't need to know all the gory details (and DS certainly doesn't), but they don't deserve to be lied to. What I was told was that, during a time when their worlds are being turned upside down, they need to know there is someone they can trust, who is honest with them. As they told me, more than likely, they will find out the _whole_ truth someday - if there was abuse, infidelity, etc. Why make them also deal with being lied to by both parents?


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## ImaBasketcase

Soca and Angel - that is really helpful, thank you. That is such a good point about the lying. I don't want to lie to my kids and say the divorce is jointly my decision. That is so far from the truth and also takes a lot of the heat off of STBXH. Not that I want to badmouth him. But since this is 100% his decision, he needs to own his sh!t. I don't want to take even partial blame for something that is being unilaterally decided against my wishes. I will be talking more to my therapist about this and, like soca said, crafting how to tell the kids in an honest yet non-emotional way. 

One very interesting thing my therapist told me: Deep down my kids will "get" it, even without me saying it outright. They will know that Dad is the one who chose to leave. _And as a result, my kids will lash out at *me.* I will see their anger directed at me, not STBXH._ This is because they will trust me more -- they KNOW that I will never leave them. They can be completely honest with me in showing their true emotions, anger and all, and I will never leave them. They won't have that level of trust with their dad anymore, because he is the one who left. My kids will be afraid to show their anger to him, because if he left once, deep down they will fear that he will leave them forever if they show their anger to him.

Wow. That nugget alone is worth the price of a year's worth of therapy.


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## JohnDoe2012

Everyone's situation is different. In my case, it's me who wants a divorce, but my wife doesn't. But it's also me who has made every effort to save the marriage, while she has made no effort. She just wants the marriage to "be there", with zero participation. So my wife is making the marriage unbearable, does not want to participate; but if I do the divorce, does that make me the bad guy?


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## ImaBasketcase

JohnDoe, I think your situation is different. If your wife is making no effort to restore you marriage and you have made a worthy effort, then you are not the bad guy for filing for divorce. The fact is that you would prefer to stay married to her if she would put in as much effort as you. That is your first choice, if I am reading things correctly? I think you are very different from the spouses we are referring to here who just suddenly up and leave without even trying to repair the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnDoe2012

ImaBasketcase said:


> JohnDoe, I think your situation is different. If your wife is making no effort to restore you marriage and you have made a worthy effort, then you are not the bad guy for filing for divorce. The fact is that you would prefer to stay married to her if she would put in as much effort as you. That is your first choice, if I am reading things correctly? I think you are very different from the spouses we are referring to here who just suddenly up and leave without even trying to repair the marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, that's exactly right, thank you .


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## Freak On a Leash

JohnDoe2012 said:


> I suppose the question is, is the child better off with miserable parents together, or happy parents apart?


Happy parents apart. The constant fighting and stress of my marriage made for a horrible situation for my kids over the years. I wish we'd separated much sooner than we did. 

As bad as things look now at times it's FAR better than when my husband and I were together and tearing each other apart in front of the kids. 



> My daughter (teen-ager) has already commented that she will never have kids


I wouldn't take this to heart. Chances are she'll change her mind, hopefully when/if she is happily married at some point. 

My son says he'll never get married. I think he's a smart guy.


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