# He's making me feel guilty now! GRRR



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

So if you don't know my story already my stbxh is in the military and we are stationed in the midwest away from any family or friends etc. We have two boys they are 8 and 6. He text me the end of April saying he wanted a divorce and didn't want to try to save our almost 9 year marriage and wanted to get divorced ASAP. So three weeks ago I gave him what he wanted and filed for divorce. I told him the day he texted me that I would be going home because the only reason why I am here is for him and he isn't want to be married then there is no reason for me to be here. 

The past 15 months now he hasn't been home, he has been in the field training non-stop or so he says, so the only time he see's the kids are when he comes home for a few hours to spend time with them, or at their baseball games etc. So when I told them we were going to move back to our home state they weren't all that sad they were actually kind of excited to get to see their grandparents and other family, which made my stbxh sad and upset because according to him his kids aren't suppose to want to leave their daddy! I tried explaining to him well what do you expect? You haven't been around very much so they are used to it, it would be different if you were home everyday or even a couple days for that matter but your not! 

So since that conversation which was like the end of May he has met us for dinner once a week on top of they baseball games but that's not that much more so I don't really see anymore effort. He says he was going to take off a couple days when they got out of school to spend time with them well they got out the beginning of June and I asked him about it last night and he said he was still trying! Ok well time is running out! 

So the whole deal was if I filed here with him he would let me move back home with no issues so that's what I did. So i'm planning on leaving on the 30th. But these past few days he is making me feel so guilty and like i'm the bad person for taking his boys away from him! And he says how he cries at night and stuff! Well then if your so sad about it then why can't you come home and spend as much time with them in the last 2 weeks that we are here??? i don't get it? And it's not like he is going to be stationed here very much longer, he is going to be going to recruiting school in September and so he can be stationed hopefully in the state to be closer to the boys.

I ask him what he wants from me and all he gives me is the pathetic answer of you win I lose, just take my boys away from me and I will be depressed and sad and you can be happy bla bla bla. He even wanted me to ask the boys who they wanted to be with!! WTF I'm not going to get them in the middle of this! I'm sick of all this!! He is the one that wanted this not me!! I am the one that wanted to make this work not him, I have been to IC and still am going. He wasn't willing to even try MC, did he think I was going to stay in a state where I have no family or support? And he tried making me feel bad for putting in my notice at work and stuff.. 

Sorry for venting I'm just so frustrated because it seemed fine earlier in the month but now that I have about 2 more weeks before I move it just seems like now he is facing the reality of what he wanted and is putting everything on me and it's getting hard to handle!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He has the choice of getting out of the service and moving to where his children are and seeing them. It's a free country, and he of all people should be aware of that. It's really a matter of where his priorities are. He is hiding behind the poor me I'm in the military making a huge sacrifice and my life fell apart because my wife left me. Don't fall for it. Plenty of people get out of the military and do just fine. He'll give you a million excuses for why he can't do that, but the bottom line is, he can.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

baseballmom said:


> So if you don't know my story already my stbxh is in the military and we are stationed in the midwest away from any family or friends etc. We have two boys they are 8 and 6. He text me the end of April saying he wanted a divorce and didn't want to try to save our almost 9 year marriage and wanted to get divorced ASAP. So three weeks ago I gave him what he wanted and filed for divorce. I told him the day he texted me that I would be going home because the only reason why I am here is for him and he isn't want to be married then there is no reason for me to be here.
> 
> The past 15 months now he hasn't been home, he has been in the field training non-stop or so he says, so the only time he see's the kids are when he comes home for a few hours to spend time with them, or at their baseball games etc. So when I told them we were going to move back to our home state they weren't all that sad they were actually kind of excited to get to see their grandparents and other family, which made my stbxh sad and upset because according to him his kids aren't suppose to want to leave their daddy! I tried explaining to him well what do you expect? You haven't been around very much so they are used to it, it would be different if you were home everyday or even a couple days for that matter but your not!
> 
> ...


Why feel guilty? You gave him what he asked for. As to moving - he gave his consent so what now? You aren't his wife anymore. He lost the chance to plan for the both of you or ask for consideration of him in your plans when he wanted divorce. You aren't vindictively saying, 'I'm taking the boys and you're never seeing them again'. You're going towards family for support. I don't think his issue is sudden change of heart or upset on losing kids, I think it's loss of control. Don't let him mess with your plans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Thank you! I'm just so frustrated because it would be one thing if he was deployed right now and he couldn't come home but he's not! And he has a ton of leave piled up and if it were me and I knew my kids were leaving soon and it was going to be a couple months until I saw them again I would do everything possible to spend as much time with them before they left! I just don't understand why he doesnt?? And I told him last night if the boys had their way you would be home right now but your not!! 

I wish he could get out but he just re-enlisted for another 4 years!


----------



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Golfergirl- No changing plans that's for sure! My mom is flying in this week so she can help out this next week and drive back with me! I'm going whether he likes it or not.. 

Thank you for the support it's nice to hear it from someone else!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If he re-enlisted knowing he was divorcing and you were taking the kids back home, then that's how he wanted it. Seems to me like he might enjoy making you feel guilty. Probably you feel like you would like things to be different for your boys. But you can't give them any more than what you personally can give them. I dealt with a former spouse/parent who lived overseas and was also military so was in the states for a while...he would say he was going to visit his son and even send postcards but it never happened. He would not even call. Later we would find out that he had been in the states, even within driving distance and not a peep about visiting. Later on I arranged to have his son go with an older half-sister to visit to the other country, when he was 10. I wanted him to spend time with his dad so he wouldn't get into any fantasy thinking about him. Kind of sad I had to do that, but protecting children from how the parent is, after a certain age it can do more harm than good.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Geez, your stbx can suck a big one. So you're supposed to be sad your marriage is over _and_ feel bad for him because he wanted to divorce you? I would never stop laughing in his face if I were you.


----------



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Exactly! I went thru this when I was growing up as well. My mom divorced my dad when I was in 6th grade and he was in the air force. I think it was harder on me being older and having to deal with their seperation. At first I would go to his house every other weekend and then he would pick me up later and later. That turned into not picking me up which turned into my dad calling me and telling me he moved from Washington State to Alabama with no warning! It was never the same after that and to this day I really don't have a good relationship with him so I don't want what happened to me to happen to my kids but I never had to go through my dad being deployed and him being gone training for over a year and only seeing him once or twice a week! So I guess in a way they have gone through alot more than I did at a way younger age than me! 

I told my stbx that I am in no way taking the boys from him that he is more than welcome to fly back home anytime before he gets restationed hopefully back in WA so he can spend time with them! I want him to see them! I also suggested that he get a laptop or something so they talk to him via skype that way they can see him everyday. 

But other than that he knows that the plans are set and I'm not staying here and waiting until he leaves for his school.. That makes no sense for me to do that when I need to get the boys settled before school startes again and I need to get another job and get my life started again as well. I put my life on hold for him for almost 9 years while I followed him around the US so now it's time that I can finally now start my career and know that I won't have to quit after 2 or 3 years which will be very nice!

PS - Do you think he came home on Father's Day?? No not even for just a few minutes to see the boys.. But today in one of his texts he says he feels like he is dying inside when he thinks about the boys leaving..


----------

