# How long does it take to fall in love?



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm curious... and talked with my female coworkers and friends. The answer varies quite a bit (as I would expect) but I'm also very interested in mens' perspectives.

This stems from my boyfriend breaking it off saying he thought he would feel something after 6 months of dating and he's not sure he's capable right now. I'm thinking no, he shouldn't necessary be in love with me after 6 months - especially considering he was still in love with his STBXW this time last year and he may not be capable for a while. I wasn't expecting it any time soon. 

A female coworker (35, never married) just got the "ILY" from her boyfriend after 10 months of dating. I was pretty sure I loved my BF after about 4 months. The female coworker still isn't sure she loves her boyfriend. My best friend was madly in love with her husband of 15 years after dating 2 weeks and moved in after a month.

So obviously a wide range... I'm also interested in the stories behind them.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I fell in love with my H very early on...within just a couple of weeks. But I didn't say anything. I just enjoyed the feeling...

After about 3 months, he slipped me a little wax envelope with a gemstone in it, and told me he loved me. We were in a cute little blue's bistro in the town where I used to live...it was crowded, we were jammed up against the bar. We kissed.

4 months later, he proposed, and we had my engagement ring made with the gemstone. Married 7 months after that. We haven't been without our challenges, but I love him, and I love our story. 

He tells me that he knew early on, too.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I knew by the 3rd date that my husband was potentially the ONE. I tried to slow things down to no avail. Within 2 weeks I was falling hard for him and he for me. He said ILY at 6 weeks and within 4 months I had moved in with him. A year later we married. I don't recommend moving this fast but hey we were young and in love what can I say?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no timetable on "falling in love." 

Be glad this guy dumped you. Sounds like he wasn't that invested in the first place. 

With my exH, I'd say it was just a few months to six months?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think we can fall in lust pretty quickly, but believe true love can only come from actually getting to know someone and knowing what we actually love about them, rather than the fantasy created by lust.

I thought I loved my partner around the 3 month mark, but what I feel for him now, 2.5 years down the line, makes it pale in comparison.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> There is no timetable on "falling in love."
> 
> Be glad this guy dumped you. Sounds like he wasn't that invested in the first place.
> 
> With my exH, I'd say it was just a few months to six months?


Yeah, I don't think there's a time table. It just made me curious. I think he's right when he said he's not capable of love yet and honest when he said he wasn't sure if he's permanently "damaged". I think if he meets the right one he'll realize he IS capable of love - I'm just not it.

But the huge disparity among my female friends made me curious. I don't have any experience in this except for this one time.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Personally I think if you (or he) aren't in love within 6-9 months it's time to move on.

I dated plenty and it's either there or it isn't. Period end of story.

That said your boyfriend was wise for breaking up with you. He did you a huge favor. Be grateful.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I've experienced love a few times over the course of my life...and it never took all very long.


----------



## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

My husband told me he loved me after 1 month of dating. I was also in love with him at that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

in regards to a true consummate love existing there is no time limit! I know a couple who married after a few months of knowing each other!! and are in their 60's and still madly in love after like 40 years! they do everything together from picnics to movies to exercising 

its really nice to see though. you can see the sparkle in their eyes towards each other


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wait wait--

Enjoli--was this your married boyfriend? The one with the gaggle of female friends he kept hanging out with? The one who wouldn't introduce you to his people cause he "wasn't ready for that?"


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

different types of love exist

the consummate love aka the true love is the love in which you are with that person till you die. That is the love that will never die


few will ever enjoy it.... its rather sad the human condition that is and the destruction man places upon himself


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

It happened for me.. With my first serious boyfriend after about a year and a half. With my second, within.. I'd say around 3 months. Sorry about your boyfriend. You're a sweetheart, you'll find somebody worthy of you.


----------



## julialisa (Nov 1, 2012)

My boyfriend recently told me he loved me after 4 months of dating, and I didn't say it back...which I feel terrible about. I do feel like I'm falling for him, but I went straight from a very long term relationship to dating him and I want to be absolutely sure before I say those words again.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I think I felt I loved my STBXH during about 4 month mark. Before that, I was just ecstatic to get to know him. I knew we had potential... but I was definite around the 3 year mark. That seems to be the time for me when I can either envision a future for life, or decide that it was after all affection/lust/infatuation/whatever. Before 3 years, you can feel you love the person, but you really don't know the real them (just them on their best behavior/what they want you to see). Only after I truly know a person can I feel honest love.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Wait wait--
> 
> Enjoli--was this your married boyfriend? The one with the gaggle of female friends he kept hanging out with? The one who wouldn't introduce you to his people cause he "wasn't ready for that?"


Yup, the SEPARATED from WW boyfriend. Isn't ready for any of it.  And I always feel the need to clarify because I am not a husband stealer and feel that referring to him as 'married', although technically correct, makes me look like I am dating a cheater. And he has a huge gaggle of friends of both genders, just want to meet them if it's going anywhere. 

When asked if he wanted to pause, rewind or stop, he said definitely not stop, but he has to fix himself before he can love. To me, thought, that's still on the path to 'stop'. So I don't think I'll ever meet the friends.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yup, the SEPARATED from WW boyfriend. Isn't ready for any of it.  And I always feel the need to clarify because I am not a husband stealer and feel that referring to him as 'married', although technically correct, makes me look like I am dating a cheater. And he has a huge gaggle of friends of both genders, just want to meet them if it's going anywhere.
> 
> When asked if he wanted to pause, rewind or stop, he said definitely not stop, but he has to fix himself before he can love. To me, thought, that's still on the path to 'stop'. So I don't think I'll ever meet the friends.


Bah, you're defo not a husband stealer...my own H was just in the process of finalizing when we started dating, and in no way would I ever have referred to him as a married man. He'd been legally separated years. That being said, mind you, he's darned lucky he was in the final stage of his D, otherwise I'd have moved on. The 2 BFs I had prior to him were both separated, but one let me believe he was actually divorced! (flush) The other initiated D proceedings and his walkaway-wife "just couldn't bring herself to sign the papers" when she got served.(flush)! So while I don't think you're a husband stealer or that you date cheaters, I do think that you should be careful with separated guys. You never know what can happen. Don't wait around...get out there and date, and see what happens!


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Dating a separated guy is getting in a way of possible reconciliation. No matter what HE told you... there is always the wife, the other half. That's what I'm going through right now and it sucks. My stbxh just moved in with his 18 year old gf.... I have no shot at making it work for the sake of my 2.5 year old and 9 month old. Separated is still married. Give the marriage a chance in the future. You might be a lovely person, but you need to let things heal, give people a chance. As they say: it ain't over, till it's over.... and it ain't over till the divorce is through.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Dating a separated guy is getting in a way of possible reconciliation. No matter what HE told you... there is always the wife, the other half. That's what I'm going through right now and it sucks. My stbxh just moved in with his 18 year old gf.... I have no shot at making it work for the sake of my 2.5 year old and 9 month old. Separated is still married. Give the marriage a chance in the future. You might be a lovely person, but you need to let things heal, give people a chance. As they say: it ain't over, till it's over.... and it ain't over till the divorce is through.


Uh, it's over. I'm not standing in ANYONE'S way. SHE cheated on HIM (twice, R one time already) and this last time did NOT want to R and is still dating the OM. Who happens to be married, still living with W. Even if she broke it off with the OM he has no intention of reconciling again. But he was pretty hurt by it all and is not ready for another relationship even though 6 months ago he thought he was.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Uh, it's over. I'm not standing in ANYONE'S way. SHE cheated on HIM (twice, R one time already) and this last time did NOT want to R and is still dating the OM. Who happens to be married, still living with W. Even if she broke it off with the OM he has no intention of reconciling again. But he was pretty hurt by it all and is not ready for another relationship even though 6 months ago he thought he was.


Exactly. It's 'over' when they don't even want one another anymore, in any case. It's not as though his STBX was at home pining away for him, is it?

I once dated someone who wasn't ready to settle down, and told me so upfront. Fair enough, right? So we dated only casually, and when he decided he was 'ready' it was too late, as I had met someone else. Then, he was pissed because I'd moved on! Just enjoy your life, Enjoli. Some guy's just arent' ready and are usually not worth the possible drama.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> There is no timetable on "falling in love."
> 
> Be glad this guy dumped you. Sounds like he wasn't that invested in the first place.
> 
> With my exH, I'd say it was just a few months to six months?


:iagree:


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Wow, that's horrible. His wife sounds a ****ty as my stbxh. I'll tell you from my perspective, it's been 9 months and I'm still not ready to date. I still struggle with some twisted form of love for him. It's more of what we had for 7 out of 8 years that I miss so much. The last year was me being pregnant and him cheating. So I hate him. Then love him. Then miss him. Then want to destroy him. It's a grieving process. Guys have more of a capability to jump into something new right away, but those suppressed feelings tend to 'leak' sometimes. That's probably what is going on with him. If you guys are meant to be then I say take a time out. I've read in a divorce book that if you want a 'healing relationship' to work, you have to step back, wait a while, and then jack it up like putting a new foundation under a home (after a while). If you actually want it to be long term, let him mess around for a while, catch his breath. Keep in touch though. I've read that it takes 2 years on avg. to recover from mine/ your bf's situation. Let him grieve. You certainly don't want to be his therapist. I personally don't want to hear a peep about exes when I'm an a relationship-they don't exist to me, while in a separation that's all I have been focusing on (don't know about your bf, he might be different). I just don't have room for me, bf and exwife in my life. 
So yes, it will take him some time. You can either wait and let him heal, or be together now, but have parts of him missing. Good luck, that's a tough situation. Keep us updated


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I knew my wife was a woman I COULD marry on our first date. I fell in love with her in 3 weeks. We exchanged I love you's after 5 weeks. Been SUPER happy for 7 years, married for 5. 

My feeling on it is when you know, you know. A guy knows he's found "the one" almost right away. From there it's just a matter of not messing it up. LOL.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't fall in love very easily at all

But when I do it's OMFG - bullet in the forehead stuff

I've fallen in love twice in my whole life and both times it's been quick...


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

It took me all of two weeks. And though he treats me badly...I'm still in love with him. :/


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I told my wife ILY after just 1 month. She said "No you don't, it isn't possible after such a short time".

She may have been right. I don't think I loved her. I just like the "in Love" feeling. 

There are so many levels of love. I think after a year or so, we stop acting and our true self emerges. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I think my wife felt the same way. We were best friends. Maybe it was unconditional love which is why we have been together for over 20 years now. Next week will be our 12 year anniversary. I don't think we are in love anymore or love each other as far as that goes.

In the beginning, there was no chemistry, no spark, no raging desire, no lust...It was always that way...kinda sad in a way.

Falling in love? it may just be an illusion!


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I think we can fall in lust pretty quickly, but believe true love can only come from actually getting to know someone and knowing what we actually love about them, rather than the fantasy created by lust.


:iagree:

It's easy to fall in that head over heals lust(not love), but it takes some time to fall in love with someone. 

I fell in love with my husband after about 5 months. At that point, we had already been through a number of scenarios(death in the family, sickness, etc.) and I got to see the real him, just as he got to see the real me(not just the "best foot forward" part of each other). I wouldn't say there is a time table to when people fall in love, but I do know it does not happen super fast.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Uh, it's over. I'm not standing in ANYONE'S way. SHE cheated on HIM (twice, R one time already) and this last time did NOT want to R and is still dating the OM. Who happens to be married, still living with W. Even if she broke it off with the OM he has no intention of reconciling again. But he was pretty hurt by it all and is not ready for another relationship even though 6 months ago he thought he was.



Just a possibility....You have to consider that you may be his rebound girl. You helped him with his shaken confidence and now he's considering his options after he realizes that he's still got it.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I knew my wife was a woman I COULD marry on our first date. I fell in love with her in 3 weeks. We exchanged I love you's after 5 weeks. Been SUPER happy for 7 years, married for 5.
> 
> My feeling on it is when you know, you know. * A guy knows he's found "the one" almost right away. From there it's just a matter of not messing it up. * LOL.


Can you explain this more?

After divorce I had lots of casual dating with no intention of finding a serious relationship or love. But hey it has happened anyway, I am scared some days and excited other days.
I knew I was falling in love with him after a couple of months, at about 5 months I was certain about being in love.
We have not said ILY, he has tried a couple of times but I seem to have this way of cutting him off at the pass IYKWIM.

There are days like today where I feel overwhelmed by it all, yes I am in love but I am also scared by it.
I know he feels the same way and is trying "not to mess it up".


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, my boyfriend said he wasn't attracted to me and didn't love me. But he was depressed and doesn't even love himself or think he's attractive. 

My boyfriend that had the brain hemorrhage, it took about 6 months before I realized one day that I had fallen for him, and it was a big shock to me. I had always considered him to be a buddy. It took me another six months to tell him, and then 10 days later after we'd started seeing each other and making plans for the future, that's when he had his brain hemorrhage. So I honestly don't know if he would have fallen out of love with me. From the way his friend told me he had talked about me the entire time he knew me (those 6 months and the additional 6 months...) I doubt it. Even brain damaged he was still very much attentive to me, which was remarkable, because he could barely keep track of himself, but when it came to me, he always spoke relevantly and appropriately, and looked out for my needs, and was affectionate. One day, he told me he wanted to give me an out, because he was a 'bad' boyfriend. That was very sad. It took me a long time to take the out, and I still don't agree with it even though it does make sense because his sister still has guardianship of him. BUT, it set the bar for all newcomers.

And yes, all of the above makes me cry.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think it's much easier to fall head over heals in love when your younger. You simply don't have the life experience to understand how hard it is to maintain a healthy relationship. When I met my wife I immediately knew she was someone I could see myself with. I pursued her heavily unlike any other women I had dated. It came naturally. I knew I was "In Love" after 6 months of dating. If I were back in the dating pool now I'm sure it would be very difficult for me to have those types of feelings again. It would be different because of what I know now.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Enginerd -

Both excellent points. I could be rebound. I lean toward that but he didn't mean for it to be - he thought he was ready to move on. I told him I didn't EXPECT him to be in love yet after what he'd been through. He thought it was an indicator that I wasn't "the one". It might be. I don't know. I agree he needs some time to work on himself. He doesn't want to call it off or date anyone else - just put things on pause for a while. I don't want to be a doormat or desperate but I'm not ready to rush back out there because I knew I was in love with HIM after about 4-5 months. It was a bit of an epiphany because I've never been in love. But it made me wonder what the range was. Like Holland - I'm terrified of loving and terrified of not. And being older I don't expect the same kind of "in love" I expected to have when I was younger. I want a deeper, warmer, slow burning fire of a love vs. the all consuming flash fire of love my friends experienced in their 20s.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't really know with my husband, he said ILY a month after dating. I waited to say it until I was ready. My second date my 5 year old drew a picture of us getting married to him. It was embarrassing, but it didn't scare my hubby away thank goodness. We engaged 6 months after meeting. I wondered what took him so long. We are more in love now then ever. Our love continues to deepen as time goes on.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I was always a cautious person when it came to relationships so I would say I never fell in love with anyone until at least the 6 month mark. That being said, I definitely knew within the first several dates whether the relationship was worth continuing or whether I would just never get there with that person.

With my H, I was unsure for the first six months or so.

We met on a summer break between semesters in college (went to different schools). We were hot and heavy that whole summer but I fully expected it to be nothing more than a summer fling. He was leaving to study abroad in europe that fall and I figured we would break up before he left. To my surprise he said he wanted to try a LD relationship. I still figured it would die out naturally once we were apart, but it shockingly didn't. The distance intensified our feelings for each other. I took two weeks off of school in the middle of my semester (to my parents horror) and went to europe to visit him. It was on that trip that I knew, without a doubt, I loved him and we would spend our life together. He says he knew he loved me a lot sooner than that, but I really didn't know it myself until that trip, we had been together about six months at that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Can you explain this more?
> 
> After divorce I had lots of casual dating with no intention of finding a serious relationship or love. But hey it has happened anyway, I am scared some days and excited other days.
> I knew I was falling in love with him after a couple of months, at about 5 months I was certain about being in love.
> ...


Most guys I've known, know whether or not the girl they're starting to date is "in love" material almost right away. I'm not saying the long term choices you make to maintain love, just that "in love" feeling that gets the ball moving to build into a long term relationship. I'm speaking from my personal experience, but men feel the "zing" or they don't and it's right away. There's a reason you hear a lot of stories about a guy dating a woman for years, never a proposal etc. then they break up and he's engaged to another woman in 6 months.

Don't get me wrong, just because a guy doesn't jump to saying I love you, or proposing quickly, doesn't mean he doesn't feel the zing. That's what I meant about "not messing it up". When a guy finds "the one" he goes through a lot of self analysis about how to play out the relationship to make sure it can develop further. When to tell her I love you, early, wait, not too soon, don't wait too long, WHEN should I, don't do it right after sex she'll think I didn't really mean it...etc etc. LOL.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband and I were friends at high school. I guess we'd known each other properly for six months or so before I was in love with him. He can pinpoint when he fell in love with me, he remembers the exact time and place. We were 18. 

So we were in love before we ever kissed. Neither of us have ever loved anyone else.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Enginerd -
> 
> Both excellent points. I could be rebound. I lean toward that but he didn't mean for it to be - he thought he was ready to move on. I told him I didn't EXPECT him to be in love yet after what he'd been through. He thought it was an indicator that I wasn't "the one". It might be. I don't know. I agree he needs some time to work on himself. He doesn't want to call it off or date anyone else - just put things on pause for a while. I don't want to be a doormat or desperate but I'm not ready to rush back out there because I knew I was in love with HIM after about 4-5 months. It was a bit of an epiphany because I've never been in love. But it made me wonder what the range was. Like Holland - I'm terrified of loving and terrified of not. And being older I don't expect the same kind of "in love" I expected to have when I was younger. I want a deeper, warmer, slow burning fire of a love vs. the all consuming flash fire of love my friends experienced in their 20s.


Just be careful...don't allow yourself to be one of his options. You're better than that, whether he's ready or not. He may realize it all too late. Pity.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks - I just figured that I'm not ready to jump back into dating yet and the holidays are coming up and that doesn't seem like a good time to get involved. January is really busy. I thought maybe the week+ between Christmas and the new year when I don't have my daughter, maybe I'll take a solo trip skiing to clear my head.


----------

