# Why cant I?



## samm0101 (Apr 9, 2012)

hello,

i have been with my husband for 3 years, we have a son together who is fixing to be two.
me and my husband have quite a few issues , well more him than me, he is addicted to online dating websites, craiglist postings that are asking for sex, basically just addicted to sex. but its not just sex, he constantly lies and comes up with excuses for everything, very controlling over me and a very jealous person. he's cheated on me twice already . first time he did he said he'd never do it again , we recently both went our seperate ways because once again he cheated. He tells me all the time that he doesnt mean to do it but that his "mind" just takes control of him and he all of a sudden is not able to control himself. 
i want to move on but for some reason i cant stop trying to help him out, like in a way i feel bad for him. he is begging me to come home but i dont want to sorta. All this cheating has really took a toll on me im depressed, overwhelmed, and have so much anxiety ( it all just hurts) i want to help him but i dont know how. im terrified of moving on. Im young and In love with a son and he was the love of my life( husband) or so i thought!!


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you guys get back together without solving your problems, you're not helping him, you're enabling his problems. If you want to help him, let him know that you still love him and would like to work this out, but that he needs to acknowledge that he has a sex addiction, that his sex outside the marriage is a problem for you, and that he must seek help for it and show you some progress before you guys get back together. 

He needs to be in counseling with someone who knows how to handle sex addiction. He needs to discuss with you why he is trying to get his needs met in such a disrespectful way. He needs to choose to stop it if he wants to be with you. And, he needs to be completely transparent, rather than just hiding things more. 

You should get yourself STD tested and so should he (and then again in six months). He's putting you and your family at risk of serious harm with his reckless behavior. It may be an addiction, but you can't "love" him into changing, you have to be firm about the fact that behavior has consequences (ie screwing around = losing you), and then if he wants to change you can be supportive. He may not want to change. He may like this way just fine. If he tries to rug-sweep, don't accept it. You clearly have a problem with his sex-addiction, so let it be clear that it's a problem. 

Be stronger than your need to be attached to him and maybe he will get the help he needs.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thought... There's a big difference between "can't stop" and "won't stop". And unless he's diagnosed and undergoing treatment for a sexual addiction, you should treat it as he "won't stop".

My other thought... You're in love with your ideal image of him, which isn't the true him. You should get some help as to why you're willing to put up with this. Not saying you're crazy or anything! But you should talk through why you're willing to settle for something that obviously has such a negative impact on you and your children.

C


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

PBear said:


> My other thought... You're in love with your ideal image of him, which isn't the true him.
> 
> C


Not to derail the topic here, but you know PBear, I have to wonder with this statement you made, I wonder if this is what is happening in so many marriages/relationships right now anyway. 

People are in love with the ideal image of their partner not the true self.


----------



## samm0101 (Apr 9, 2012)

@pbear, 
i was in love in the beginning of our relationship not the person he is today. but your right , im still holding on to the past, still holding on to the person that made me feel beautiful and treated me like the princess i thought i was. He just turned on me one day and never came back... i was hoping that if i was still there for him there may be a little hope but that wasnt the case he has so many mixed emotions. Dont get me wrong i was ready to move on because i felt i wasnt wanted( which still isn't a good excuse to ever stay) , but then there goes that text or phone call that brings me back.


----------



## Alright23 (May 4, 2012)

There comes a point where you step outside yourself while you are dealing with this behavior. In very real terms you find yourself asking, in your head, "Why am I doing this to myself? What am I gaining by letting this happen to me? Will I benefit from the very real damage that this is putting me through?"
At that point, it's up to you whether or not you are going to vocalize it. It's empowering to say and mean "Look, I care, but I can't do this anymore. You are pushing me out the door with this, so I'm done." 
And actually BE done.


----------



## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

OP, my story exactly. When reading your post I felt as though it was me speaking. Keep us updated as I would love to know what you'll do next, cause as far as I'm concerned I'm clueless. :/


----------

