# I need advice on how to help my wife/marriage



## redbeamer (Mar 15, 2012)

For the duration of our five year marriage and even before the marriage, I have not been a good husband. I have done things and said things that I knew would hurt her. I have not put much effort into our relationship. During that time she kept trying and just put up with it. The end result is that I have basically ruined her self esteem and made her depressed.

All of this came to a head about a month ago when after a big fight, my wife told me she though we should separate. At first I told her that I would let her go. However, after a few days of reflection, a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that I truly love my wife. I think the reason I've behaved the way I have is because I didn't love myself. I didn't even realize my depression and self doubt had had such an effect on her. It was then and there that I made up my mind to change.

I explained my desire to change to my wife and she accepted it as she always does. However, after a few days she withdrew from me and told me she didn't feel like we could make it work anymore. I later found out that a she had become interested in a co-worker. Essentially, my wife has been having an emotional affair with this man for a about a month.

When I found out, I decided to show her that I had changed by not going off and doing anything irrational. Instead, I told her that I loved her and that I would forgive her but that she would have to end the relationship. She told me she didn't know if she could and that she "couldn't stay away" from this man.

It was then that I asked her to quit her job and go to counseling so that we could at least give it one more try. She didn't give me a solid answer and she left last weekend on a trip with a female friend. When she returned last Sunday, I sat with her and asked her again if she would give us a chance and quit her job. She told me she would and we cried together.

The next morning she told me she could not call in and quit. I asked her if she wanted me to do it for her and she said she did. I called her boss and told him she would not be returning. I sat by and watched as she told the other man via text that she was going to work on her marriage and didn't want to speak to him. That didn't last long and I know she has texted him a couple times since that morning.

The next day she told me that she had a change of heart and wanted to ask for her job back. Seeing how much pain she was in I told her to go ahead. She tried to get her job back and was told no. Now she harbors resentment toward me for losing her job although it was a mutual decision.

She is so depressed about not only the loss of job but the loss of the affair. I want to help her so desperately but I don't know what to do. I have a counseling session set up for us tomorrow but I have a feeling she will back out. I don't want to give up on her but I just don't know how to help her.

Please someone give me suggestions. We were planning on visiting her parents this weekend and going out on a dinner date but I don't know if that is a good idea right now. I have told her I would support her in every way while she finds a new job but she just doesn't respond.


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## redbeamer (Mar 15, 2012)

Also, we have a 3 year old daughter together and I know it is affecting her as well.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

get the mods to move this into the coping with infidelity forum, others will be along shortly to give some good advice on how to proceed with good ideas...
Read, read the newbies links, will help you out more than you.

good luck, sorry you are here


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

just keep one thing in mind when you get to the CWI forum.. When you are given the advice "expose her affair to everyone..."I suggest refraining from doing so.


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