# This is cheating too........hard to think of myself that way though!!



## Socially_Screwed (May 23, 2012)

I just realized the other day that I too am a cheater on many fronts or at the least very disrespectful. I can't really say what I'm asking maybe I should start a blog.....idk

My marriage on every front and every level seems great. We talk daily, txt, flirt, joke, have a pretty good sex life in frequency, and have quite the collection of freaky extras when needed. We have date night, share chores, both work I make all the money for her it's more gratification small wage, so everything is hitting on all cylinders..........but then why am I posting?

I was a avid church goer for 9 years.......to give you a example of how avid I used to preach at bus stops, share my faith with 30-50 people a day, have bible studies weekly in my home, etc etc so in a nutshell my life was the bible/church very extreme and cultic. After 9 years the works based doctrine I was taught turned out to be a farce if not in theory definitely in practice and the church splintered. Besides my parents dieing this was by far the hardest thing I had to endure. When you believe so strongly in something then find out "Well, ya know that isn't really true" it throws you for a loop. My wife has mended much better than I have and can still go to church I have a very hard time going to any church at all, but that's another story for another day.

I suffer from some sort of social anxiety and I always have. Even in college if I wasn't obliterated drunk I couldn't hang out unless we were debating a topic and it has only gotten worse the older i get. I very much cannot be around large groups of people especially people I know!! Does that make sense? Even my wife will now say "I love ya, but you are strange" I know this now and have stopped trying to hide it.

Here are examples I would much rather hang out with 10 strangers at a event making small talk then hang out with 10 people I know. I don't like family events, don't hang out with neighbors, but am cordial, don't have guy friends I go hang out with or call, have work friends who are just that friends at work. I can't say I like meeting new people, but if it isn't under my terms it can still be fun. Making small talk typically around world issues, hobbies, society, epidemiology, health, again the theme is it has to be a topic cutting up at a bar is not my thing. Think intellectualy conversation at Starbucks much more my thing then the kicker is then not seeing them again.....I know sort of weird. I have no problem sharing emotions with people and will tell almost anyone my life story etc etc parents dieing, crazy church, etc. I'm still not social by nature give me a option to go hang with people that I know or stay home I'll alway pick stay home. I'll usually go because I know my wife wants me to and it's the right thing to do. I've narrowed this down to feeling judged because I can hang out with kids all day long. Love kids probably because they don't judge and love unconditionally............ages 5-13 ish are perfect.

I say all this to say besides my wife/kids I am very much a loner by choice and this is where I get in trouble. I'm a member of about 40 different car forums and have been for over 14 years, I read a insatiable amount of information daily, hours a day about everything, so it would only make sense I would find this forum too. Being online reading is one of my favorite things to do always has been.....so being able to play games mentally especially after crazy church and compartmentalize parts of it is pretty easy for me.

Over the years since the break from church I have done all the things TAM says you can't do or you will have a affair. I've talked to exes on facebook nothing happened there I even closed my FB account. I've been out drinking with coworkers like 3 times in 10 years been hit on, but nothing. Before that I didn't do anything ever!!! I could barely talk to a girl let be around a girl without feeling guilty.

So, what did I do or do I do? I take road trips in my Viper.........and on these roadtrips I often hang out with woman when I do. I would be taking road trips anyway I just found this site after reading a article and have added this to my trips. Driving is a passion probably the activity I enjoy most that doesn't include wife/kids. My dream vacation is my Viper and a month off just to drive the whole nation!! I've been doing these trips my whole life just recently was the adding of the women part though. I have not done anything physcial with any of them and it's more like a game. Each one I'll chat with online, or txt using a app I delete and install every couple of days cause I know I shouldn't be doing this, then I'll drive to whatever city they are at hang out with girls 15 years my junior eat dinner, watch a movie, I'll give them a gift or go shopping. Then they leave I'll go to a museum etc and then drive home. 

The game is played with them too...........because it's a website that college aged girls are looking for a older established benefactor. Normally there is a physically side to this and some of these girls have sent me pics that were partially nude during our talk time. I have never asked for them, but a few just send thinking that's what I want. So, they think I'm that guy, but they are just part of the game. I have no interest in seeing them again it's just that one movie, dinner, or drink and $500 on shopping or whatever. They think they have found there benefactor smile, laugh, are grateful, but I always say it was awesome, but work has me so busy I won't have time for this any more. 


Since, I handle all the finances and am very lucky for what I make all of this goes unnoticed. I'll add life doesn't make a ton of sense to me since the whole church incident. Life on earth seems awfully cruel and heartless if there isn't a great equalizer that makes everyone on the same playing field in the end. 

Again, a topic for another day. I've asked myself all the questions already, but let the firing squad fire away!!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

umm, really?!!?





trolling?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

aug said:


> umm, really?!!?


Trolling is normally referred to someone who bashes or has negative things to say about a person, place, thing, or topic.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Individual counseling - lots of individual counseling. You've got some work to do on yourself...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You are setting up the conditions - loneliness and neglect - that will leave your wife vulnerable to the attentions of other men. For all you know, she may already be in contact with one. 

Keep acting like a single man and eventually it may become a reality, though not by choice.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Trolling is normally referred to someone who bashes or has negative things to say about a person, place, thing, or topic.


No, that's flaming.


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## Socially_Screwed (May 23, 2012)

I have thought about counseling before, but I don't put much credence in therapy.

I look at emotional states like this: I think if you are gay you are born that way, pedophile, cleptomaniac, necrophile, again all born that way etc etc.

Social anxiety born that way..........people don't like to think that many of the monsters of our society have a incurable form of mental illness, but is it a illness at all or is it all genetic?

I truly believe if you can look at a child in sexaul manner it has to be mental. Same goes for a dead body. Same goes for same sex it's just accepted.

When I look at myself and my anxieties they have always been there. I am more than skeptical that some one can talk them away. When I was in church I was extroverted forced, but I did it none the less...................doesn't mean it was natural or felt right.

Just like asking a gay guy to be with a woman he could do it, but it won't feel right. Off my soap box on that one..........lol.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

well.... I guess that's convenient as it absolves you of the primary avenue of addressing whatever it is you perceive your issues to be.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi socially screwed:

You sound as if you have self esteem issues. 

Also, you sound like someone who is conflicted about your morality. 

Why would you want to associate with young girls who are just looking to use an old geezer for his money. 

Do you have masochistic tendencies. Do your pretend to be wealthier than you are to feel good about yourself and build your low self esteem?

You are definitely engaging in financial infidelity as well as having brief emotional affairs with each of these woman. Yes, you are a serial cheater. You are cheating your family out of time, attention and money. Get help


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

youre using homosexuality as an example?

the difference is that homosexuality doesn't hurt anyone, it's a sexual preference and the act itself is between consenting adults

you can look at a violent rapist and say that he is a sick bastard and he was born that way, but that does not mean you accept his behavior nor excuse it nor punish or confine him

now you ain't a rapist and you ain't a homosexual but you are a someone who doesn't value monogamy, now while that is fine if you live that way what crosses the line is that you got into a committed relationship and you are hurting that person by fraud

surely you see that you are what you are, but your actions are not right


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Socially_Screwed said:


> I just realized the other day that I too am a cheater on many fronts or at the least very disrespectful. I can't really say what I'm asking maybe I should start a blog.....idk
> 
> My marriage on every front and every level seems great. We talk daily, txt, flirt, joke, have a pretty good sex life in frequency, and have quite the collection of freaky extras when needed. We have date night, share chores, both work I make all the money for her it's more gratification small wage, so everything is hitting on all cylinders..........but then why am I posting?
> 
> ...


Alright, give me your Viper for a month while you make amends with your wife. :smthumbup: 

Or don't give me your Viper, start taking your wife out, and spending the money on her. Since you haven't gotten physical, AND you haven't honed in on one person for an EA --> you just might be able to immediately reverse your behavior and save your marriage before you destroy it.


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## Socially_Screwed (May 23, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> youre using homosexuality as an example?
> 
> the difference is that homosexuality doesn't hurt anyone, it's a sexual preference and the act itself is between consenting adults
> 
> ...


The example was in reference to therapy not my actions. I don't believe you can talk away homosexuality just like you can't talk away social anxiety imo. Many phobias etc cannot be talked away there a coping tools, but the urge, tendency, and desire may still be there. 

My actiona are clearly not inline with marriage......but like most people with a secret its hard to bear. For me its all the same if I were getting drunk, looking at porn, gambling its all something a good husband shouldn't do .......just like this. 

As far as self esteem always really low self esteem.........in a worldly sense. Probably arrogant in other areas!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Let me suggest you try reading No More Mr. Nice Guy - what you just described are pretty classic traits - I have a lot of them to. I read it on a whim because it is so frequently recommended here and really found it hit home way more than I expected. If memory serves you can download it for free.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Socially_Screwed said:


> The example was in reference to therapy not my actions. I don't believe you can talk away homosexuality just like you can't talk away social anxiety imo. Many phobias etc cannot be talked away there a coping tools, but the urge, tendency, and desire may still be there.
> 
> My actiona are clearly not inline with marriage......but like most people with a secret its hard to bear. For me its all the same if I were getting drunk, looking at porn, gambling its all something a good husband shouldn't do .......just like this.
> 
> ...



so in essence you are saying you lack the tools to do the right thing, but won't go to therapy where you can learn those tools


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## Socially_Screwed (May 23, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so in essence you are saying you lack the tools to do the right thing, but won't go to therapy where you can learn those tools


Yes, in a essence I'm saying I'm choosing to do this because I'm being selfish, question morality in this world without the concreteness of a doctrine to truly believe in, I know the answer is I just need to stop and mod the viper more or something....instead is wasting money on stupid little taboo moments.

Not too mention the disrespect, but no I don't believe in therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well I'm bipolar and if I relied on meds alone I wouldn't be the stand-up person I am today. It is true that there are shrinks that are not helpful and even harmful, but the ones who help are truly worth your time and money


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You may not be able to talk away your social anxiety. But you _can_ learn to manage it so that you and those in your life are no longer burdened by it. There are also anti-anxiety medications that can help tremendously. I say that as someone who suffers from social anxiety that is now very sucessfully managed.

But, to be honest, to me you sound fairly narcissistic. You mention your Viper more than once. You brag about getting these hot younger women to meet you. You say what a great marriage you have, and by extension what a great husband you must be to your (poor, clueless) wife. But you also blame your issues on your social anxiety and on the dissolution of your church, neither of which is to blame for your actions though they are obviously handy for blame-shifting and misdirection. You also seem to have the mindset that boundaries don't apply to you, and to be congratulating yourself for doing all the wrong things but never "really" cheating. Your initial post feels like the work of a man bragging about what he's getting away with. 

I'll second the earlier recomendation. Individual counselling. Lots of it. 

Not that I expect you will take that suggestion. Narcissistic types generally don't.


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## Socially_Screwed (May 23, 2012)

Rowan said:


> You may not be able to talk away your social anxiety. But you _can_ learn to manage it so that you and those in your life are no longer burdened by it. There are also anti-anxiety medications that can help tremendously. I say that as someone who suffers from social anxiety that is now very sucessfully managed.
> 
> But, to be honest, to me you sound fairly narcissistic. You mention your Viper more than once. You brag about getting these hot younger women to meet you. You say what a great marriage you have, and by extension what a great husband you must be to your (poor, clueless) wife. But you also blame your issues on your social anxiety and on the dissolution of your church, neither of which is to blame for your actions though they are obviously handy for blame-shifting and misdirection. You also seem to have the mindset that boundaries don't apply to you, and to be congratulating yourself for doing all the wrong things but never "really" cheating. Your initial post feels like the work of a man bragging about what he's getting away with.
> 
> ...


Great reply!! No I'm definitely to blame.......no doubt about that. Tidbits were added for relatability and understanding if not every post on TAM would be "I cheated and I feel bad now what?" 

I'll guess you are not a car guy? Someone who is narcissistic that doesn't like to be around people that makes sense......lol.

I could list all the cars I've had...........I love cars. I'm the guy who would have a 1500 sq/ft house and a 10 car garage it's not social status its performance. May it be a 800rwhp civic, a TT Z06, a Switzer 1000 GTR, 911TT with Promotive mods.

I'm sure I'm talking over your head........cause unless your a car guy all of that makes no sense. Please don't equate Viper with some flashy wannabe gold chain wearing look at me type. I'm a enthusiast race at VIR, TSP, and Willow. I've had 17 street cars and 4 full blown race cars.

I manage fine from most peoples perspective, but they are on the outside looking in. On the surface I'm a normal guy who likes normal stuff, but on the inside I'm dreading every minute. I'm sure you can relate if you have SA. What most people love to do and will sacrifice for I would rather just opt out. 

As far as congratulating............yep there is some arrogance and many would say skewed beliefs. I see looking at porn cheating more than what I'm doing. So, in my head most guys who are masturbating to porn weekly or daily are having affairs too and in worse fashion just society accepts it as the norm. I think looking at pornographic movies while having a sexual release is worse than meeting someone for 6-8 hours a month and never the same person twice.

I'm not doing anything sexual, but it's not considered the norm and on this forum considered worse. Take away the buying stuff and the conversation is future based, career, business accum, pointers, it's all a game really planned to be from the start etc but is still very wrong and would no doubt hurt my wife.

I know what I need to do I just need to do it and seeing the multitude of posts confirms that.

Good luck in your SA battle and no I don't believe there is much a Psych. can tell me that I can't read or figure out on my own.......I know that's arrogant, but it's how I feel.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Why did you come here? Do you want to be married or not? 

This doesn't seem so complicated. Your options are - stop what you are doing, leave your wife and be free to do what you want, or continue and maybe you will get caught someday, or maybe you wont.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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