# 23 Years of Marriage that May be Ending



## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

This Sunday, I will be married for 23 years. I am the mother of two teenagers, and I am very busy with work, kids, etc. I found out recently that since May my husband has been talking 20 hours per month with an old college friend. They talk whenever they can get a chance. They haven't seen each other in 28 years, and the phone bills show the constant chatter. This wasn't completely hidden from me, but I wasn't quite introduced either. I will be seeing a marriage counselor on Tuesday. My husband acts like this isn't a big deal--they are just reconnecting. This girl is also married with three children. I think 20 hours a month is to the extreme, and it truly has created stress in our marriage; enough to make me want to end our 23 years together.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Oh gosh...that is a familiar story. He's feeling connected to this woman...emotionally connected based upon the number of hours. 

Have you discussed this with him? What does he say. Will he stop? Can you get marriage help?


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

I do believe he is emotionally connected. I have talked and talked to him about it. He would like us to meet and says they are just good friends. I even called her and sent her a few notes saying that I don't feel this is appropriate. Neither one is willing to stop. He has gone to a marriage counselor twice with me. Our second session was an individual session. While I was in talking with the counselor, he was text messaging her. I see it on the phone bill.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You will either need to accept this and watch the relationship go further (more than likely) or put your foot down.

Putting your foot down is a matter of it's me or her. If he chooses her, then you know where his heart and head lies. If he refuses to make a choice, make it for him. 

Otherwise you will prolong the nightmare by waiting for him to move on (with or without you).


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Is it wrong to try to hang in there until the kids are out of high school? This would mean 3 1/2 years of this stuff. I know that sounds crazy, but I hate to rock the kids' world.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

No not crazy but the others advise is good IMO put your foot down say hey are you married to her or me and if so start acting like it maybe.. Sometimes as it was for me and i no every situation is different then the others but there are certain things that can relat for me it took my wife to kick me out and even now say she is done with me no chance no hope to finally wake up and see what was truely important to me in life and that was her and our kids without any doubt, now it may be to late cause she didnt put her foot down and let it build into more pain and resentment and anger but i am still in it for the long road cause i no how important they are and what keeping my family means to me but if she would have put her foot down earlier i would have responded way earlier and that would have made a huge difference then , where is right now its very difficult and hard to cope with and i might not even have a chance now but still hoping there is , cause for me now i no and understand and ready , but when she didnt do it before i was just oblivious and lost to what was needed what was important. I to have been posting on her and im confused on a lot of things maybe i post to much i have even shared personal letters im thinking of giving her , but sometimes you get responses sometimes you dont but i have found that most advise is good and some storys of working for what is important like the one by a guy named Vvoid or close to it is great inspiration and can give you strength to do what is needed , not saying you will relate to all of them but there is a lot on here to learn from and take time to think from.. But if i was you id put that foot down and it might be tough at first but may be the best thing you can do for your family as a hole..


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I am certainly thinking of my family. I cherish my family more than anything. It is very difficult to see a family disintegrate before your very eyes. My daughters are teenagers and need the traditional home.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your initial post was about how busy you are with your life. 

Does your husband feel that you make him a very high priority?
Does he feel loved by you? Does he feel like you make the effort to have a good sex life with him? 

If not, then he likely feels that his EA soon to be PA is justified. 

I am not saying it is, I am saying that your post implies you don't have much time for him. I bet that has been true for a long time. 

When was the last time you asked him if he was happy with your marriage, your sex life, the way you treat him?

Because if you PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN without addressing your role in this you may find yourself in a race to the courthouse. You cannot ignore someone and then demand fidelity. 






sadandhurt said:


> Thanks for the advice. I am certainly thinking of my family. I cherish my family more than anything. It is very difficult to see a family disintegrate before your very eyes. My daughters are teenagers and need the traditional home.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Well, I do think it is a vicious cycle. We work different hours. But...honestly, I am a very vocal individual and ask and confront his feelings about our marriage. His response always is that our marriage is fine. I respond to tell him that I want it to be a closer relationship and have more time together. I also requested that the calls end.

The reason that I am busy is that when he is working, I am the taxi cab, the chaperone, the chef, etc., for our teenagers. When we are both available, I am the one that makes the effort to spend time together. It is when he is working or should be sleeping that he is chatting on the phone with his college friend.

Our sex life is good too! I guess this is why I am so baffled. He truly has everything he needs--why is he searching for more. Also, do you think that this girl's husband should be made aware of all the phone calls. Remember there are over 100 text messages per month and over 1,200 minutes of telephone conversation. Should the husband know?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thanks for the clarification. You sound like a great wife. He is likely suffering from the grass is greener madness. 

You are completely within your rights to share this info with her husband. The sheer amount of time screams EA headed toward PA. 

I do think a blunt conversation with him is in order. Something of this flavor:
You are perilously close to crossing a line which their is no retreat from. I may tolerate certain things temporarily for the children, but if you do them, once they are gone I am gone. And I want to make sure we understand each other. This isn't a case of you making a mistake. This seems to be a case of you making a choice over an extended period of time. And that choice is essentially to end your marriage. Whether it dies a slow death or a fast death - it will die. Is that really what you want?

When I ask you if things are ok - you tell me they are fine. I don't want a marriage that is fine. I want a marriage that is great, and passionate and loving. If you think we need to change things for that to be how it is for you then talk to me and I will try to help make this marriage the one you want to be in. I cannot help you / us / our marriage if you are emotionally focused on someone else and if you choose not to talk to me about what you really want. 








sadandhurt said:


> Well, I do think it is a vicious cycle. We work different hours. But...honestly, I am a very vocal individual and ask and confront his feelings about our marriage. His response always is that our marriage is fine. I respond to tell him that I want it to be a closer relationship and have more time together. I also requested that the calls end.
> 
> The reason that I am busy is that when he is working, I am the taxi cab, the chaperone, the chef, etc., for our teenagers. When we are both available, I am the one that makes the effort to spend time together. It is when he is working or should be sleeping that he is chatting on the phone with his college friend.
> 
> Our sex life is good too! I guess this is why I am so baffled. He truly has everything he needs--why is he searching for more. Also, do you think that this girl's husband should be made aware of all the phone calls. Remember there are over 100 text messages per month and over 1,200 minutes of telephone conversation. Should the husband know?


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks for the kind words. Anxious to see a marriage counselor.


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## builderb (Nov 29, 2009)

This is an all too familiar story and many marriages go through this kind of thing. My wife would "friend" old boyfriends, lovers and so on, on facebook. I told her that she needed to make a decision. In my mind if your spouse is talking to old flames then your spouse isn't happy with his life. Find out why and if there is anything that can be done about it, if not then live for yourself and put yourself up front for a change... You'll find out it's really nice.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Yes, I feel that when you are married, you don't befriend old flames, you don't create new flames, and you solely work on your marriage. After 23 years, I don't understand why someone would risk all those years of togetherness and the kids' happiness. I wonder--does this person feed his ego? Are these complaints about me? What exactly is the magnetic issue that makes both of you call when you are so many miles away? I have asked these questions to him and her and get no answers. I really am confused. Can't figure out what I could have done to make him want to call this person and to put me last on the list. This has been great that I can write in like this as I don't want to tell others. I live in a small town, and I don't want the kids to catch wind of this. Wearing my game face--each and every day.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Went to the marriage counselor. The counselor told my husband that this is an emotional affair, and it only will lead to a physical affair. It needs to end. My husband isn't sure if he wants to end this. He said it has taken him 28 years to find her, and he isn't going to lose her. I would say our marriage is over. I will be an actress through the holidays for the kids. After that, I may just wait until the kids are out of high school to permanently end this relationship. This makes me very sad. Do you think it is wrong to stay in a marriage for the sake of kids? Sad and confused. So upset that I will not even talk to husband. Oh...Counselor said it would be fine to call the husband and tell him. He saw nothing wrong with this.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sadandhurt said:


> Went to the marriage counselor. The counselor told my husband that this is an emotional affair, and it only will lead to a physical affair. It needs to end. My husband isn't sure if he wants to end this. He said it has taken him 28 years to find her, and he isn't going to lose her. I would say our marriage is over. I will be an actress through the holidays for the kids. After that, I may just wait until the kids are out of high school to permanently end this relationship. This makes me very sad. Do you think it is wrong to stay in a marriage for the sake of kids? Sad and confused. So upset that I will not even talk to husband. Oh...Counselor said it would be fine to call the husband and tell him. He saw nothing wrong with this.


i'll say this...your counselor is good, and correct. feel blessed by having this person working for you. do what he/she says. this may work itself out after all.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Im very sorry for what your going through right now. I found out in oct. I thought I could make it through the holidays. I didnt I just kept getting angry because he was talking to her in my house. If the kids dont know yet they will shortly they are just going to feel somethings not right. I wish you all the best but if staying together is going to emotionally drag you down you cant do that to yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

There is nothing wrong staying in the marriage for the kids. The caveat is as long as there isn't extreme fighting, abuse, and addictions. Other than that, if you can stand it then stay. 

It will be difficult. My H wasn't having an affair but after 9 months of living together when he was unhappy and no longer in love with me...took a toll.

Don't make any rash decisions. If you don't make it the full amount of time that's ok too.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I don't get this. I mean, yes, it sounds like an emotional affair. But I don't see why it has to be the end of your marriage. He feels close emotionally to someone who is interesting and outside of his life, with whom he has more in common than 'what we eating tonight' or 'let's take the kids to school'. 

Remember back in the day when you met what your relationship was like? You probably spent hours talking. My point is....you can offer him that too. And you probably need that kind of connection with him, yourself. 

A marriage is a complicated little creature that you have to nurture and take care of...not just leave at fate's hand. And problems do happen, people ocassionally detach a bit to the point where they are one foot out the door. I think you're doing what most of us do in times of trouble. You ask and demand instead of changing yourself to get to where you want. 

If you take it personal ...as in 'how could he, after so many years, do this to me'....remember that he's not doing this to you. He's doing this because he's really really missing something in that marriage. Why is it that when all of you say you care about your family, it doesn't include your spouse, but only your children? His response of the marriage being 'fine'...can easily translate into 'if i told you you wouldn't care' or 'this is just the way things are and i have to deal with it'.

'When I ask you if things are ok - you tell me they are fine. I don't want a marriage that is fine. I want a marriage that is great, and passionate and loving.'
MEM is right mostly. 
I also believe that your husband would risk so many years of marriage because he might think he exhausted all the enthusiasm, affection and fun and exciting things to do in that marriage. Then that woman came along and reminded him of when he was young...when he had fun! Get it? It made him feel alive. That's where you come in and show him how wrong he is. Grass may be greened on the other side? Focus on taking more care of your grass. They old buddies? Remember how it was when you were young and dating. Gather up those memories and when the time is right, go ahead and start a conversation. 'Hey, remember when we used to ...and i used to do that...' eventually go ahead and tickle him, chase him around the house. Don't think that's appropriate for your age? Why not? Everyone likes fun alive people. It will also make him wonder what happened to you = interest = mystery = suddenly the focus is on you and the other woman becomes less and less interesting. Suddenly he realizez it's not worth the chase anymore because he has to chase something better in his own house. 

Just my opinion and advice. I'm often very idealistic I guess, but these things work if you do them right. They would also make you happy, and as i said at the beginning, 23 years of marriage is a lot of time to throw out the window.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Well, our marriage has ended. I found text messages on his phone stating his love for another woman, having her find them a home to live in, and how he wants to make love to her. I contacted her husband, and it is in the open for all of us. We are getting through the week to get through Christmas for the kids. I have already seen a lawyer and go for a second visit with a lawyer at the end of January. My husband texts me and asks what his chances are. It is all too late. He should have been concerned when we first went to the marriage counselor. He has lied, he has been a cheat, and I cannot put up with this. 23 years of marriage, and it is over. How sad!


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Husband is crying and saying how sorry he is. Wants another chance????


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is your opportunity to at least try....with no regrets.

First he would neet to apologize.
Second he needs to cut off all contact with OW. 
Third he needs to be tranparent in his life (texts/call/outings) and be accountable for where and what he is doing for a long while.
Fourth he will need to be 100% committed to getting help in the marriage. No "I am NOT sure" or "I'll try."

These are in no order but certainly they are important enough to know if he's just scared of ending the marriage or wants to reconcile for the right reasons.


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

sadandhurt said:


> Went to the marriage counselor. The counselor told my husband that this is an emotional affair, and it only will lead to a physical affair. It needs to end. My husband isn't sure if he wants to end this. He said it has taken him 28 years to find her, and he isn't going to lose her. I would say our marriage is over. I will be an actress through the holidays for the kids. After that, I may just wait until the kids are out of high school to permanently end this relationship. This makes me very sad. Do you think it is wrong to stay in a marriage for the sake of kids? Sad and confused. So upset that I will not even talk to husband. Oh...Counselor said it would be fine to call the husband and tell him. He saw nothing wrong with this.


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## nonnie (Dec 19, 2009)

Okay, you are threatened by it, and the counselor advises he end it. What more does he need to know to realize that he is making this "friendship" too high a priority? I have gone through this same type of thing recently, (see Need a man's viewpoint in Gentlemens clubhouse) and I recieved some excellent advise on trying to keep my marriage together. Sounds as if you are not interested in that, and I can't say as I blame you, but if you are, I would suggest that you check it out. Good luck hon, hope you find your answers.


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## alonenlost (Dec 11, 2009)

I have been reconnecting with some of my past. I really believe its because I feel such a void with my present. I don't have anymore "interest" in these connections but my husband just stated he was uncomfortable with me staying connected (instead of touching base, catching up, then moving on) and I have to respect his feelings, whether I feel they are warranted or not, it is uncomfortable for him and he is more important to me than they. Otherwise I am creating problems with my current life for something I obviously left in my past for a reason. Tell your husband it causes you much unhappiness and ask him to please respect your feelings by limiting their contact to an occaisional catch up a couple of times a year. He should have included you in this relationship instead of excluding you,


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sadandhurt said:


> Husband is crying and saying how sorry he is. Wants another chance????


When you confronted him and got everything out in the open, he was forced to deal with the reality that he very well may lose you over this woman...change of heart? she decided to work on her marriage? who knows....

The thing is, can you move past this and work through what made him seek out a woman outside of your marriage? Do you even want to? You can give him another chance and really have a strong marriage, but you will both need to be committed.


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## intimate (Dec 30, 2009)

i think he just likes to have another girl that he can talk to. is this a bad thing? no it not a bad thing because sometimes these thiings will build your relationship up even stronger. it is a bad thing though since he is talking about how he loves her and wants to sleep with her because that is cheating. you need to figure out what he is not getting in yalls marrige for him to go and do this to you. if it is just the fact that he doesnt love you anymore than leave him but if it was just a little phase then go to counseling and work through this...


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks for all the comments. I am trying to work through this. I just am not so sure that I can forgive. At 11:59 p.m., she texts him to wish a Happy New Year. He doesn't say anything about it. I check the cell usage report the next day and find the text. Uggh! Of course, I write to both her and her husband and say that there is no contact. Honestly, she was very nasty. Like, I'm the one that did anything wrong. This is the second time that she has had an affair--her husband is a saint. I am 45, and I'm not sure if I want to be married and put up with this. What kind of message does this send to my kids? This is all very frustrating.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You should not have to put up with this if he is continuing to contact this woman. If he really is remorseful, crying and wanting a second chance he needs to end all contact with her. If she attempts to contact him, he needs to tell you so that you don't worry it's a 2-way thing...he needs to step up in this situation and reassure you that he made a mistake and is willing to live open-book and not contact her. Is he there? Would you consider marriage counselling? 

As far as a message for your kids, I would think that working on a marriage, not giving up in bad times is a good message for kids...however, being a doormat is not...in other words, if he continues to stay in contact with her without any attempt to work on your marriage, I would not be able to sit by and let that happen.

The other side of this is that if you have become distant over time or if you can see that your marriage could use some 'revamping' ... not placing blame on either of you but just that you've lost the focus on one another over the years...marriage counseling, keeping an open mind and working together may work in your favor and you will both have a better marriage than before all of this started.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks so much for your reply. This a.m., my 14-year old daughter told me that she has been reading text messages between my husband and this girl for months. She didn't have the heart to tell me. This was all before school. She cried. She stumbled by the messages my mistake, but she couldn't stop reading. Now, my focus is definitely my children. She was just heartbroken. She was afraid to tell me all that I already knew. Tonight, I am sitting down with her to explain a few things. First, I want her to know that I am always here and not to be afraid to tell me anything. I also don't want my kids protecting me. Obviously, I am the strong parent as I didn't need to seek another person outside the marriage. Regardless of what happens with my husband, I need to get back into counseling for mine and my children's sake. Once again, thanks for all the different points of view. This really has helped me by venting and seeing things outside the box. Hope all have a great evening!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sadandhurt, make sure your daughter gets counseling, too, and do everything you can to support her relationship with her father. That does not mean ignoring or defending what he did--it means recognizing he is her father and will be in her life for some time unless she chooses of her own free will and without your intervention to cut him out once she is older. She is too young to make that decision now. She has seen that he is far from perfect; what happens next (how you and he handle things) can do a lot to help her heal from her exposure to his deceit. It will be very hard for you to walk the line between supporting her in her anger and hurt without further castigating him, but in the long run, that will be best for her. If she sees you responding to him in a calm, adult manner (rather than raging about what an a*shole he is), she'll learn a lot about bearing disappointment and betrayal AND she'll know it's not a betrayal of YOU to continue caring about him, if she does. You sound like a very wise woman, so I"m sure you'll do a good job helping her through this!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear that. I also have a 14yo daughter and if she has known and been keeping this secret for months, she is probably relieved to talk to you about this but I am sure it has been a very difficult few months for her. 

I can understand your focus shifting to your children & would encourage you to discuss the same with your husband and have him talk with her. He needs to take ownership of this and hopefully can admit that he was wrong, made a mistake and hurt you by his bad choices. Kids can accept that their parents are not perfect, but to fear their parents' marriage is on shaky ground is very stressful for them.


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## sadandhurt (Nov 28, 2009)

Thanks once again for all the kind words and good advice. My daughter always chats with me in the a.m. before school. This seems to be our time together before we are both at school and can't really talk privately. As a teacher, she doesn't get lots of my time during the school day. As we were talking, she said "how she hated her father. I told her that she shouldn't hate, but she should love him. He is not perfect as far as a married relationship, but he is a great Dad." I would never, ever sever that relationship. 

I hope by going to the counselor and I hope by my husband's further discussion with my daughters, he will be able to shed light on some of this situation. I certainly will not let him minimize the hurt but perhaps there can be some closure for my kids.


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