# Waking up at 50



## Lovelycherry (Sep 2, 2013)

Not exactly sure where to begin I have spent the last 26 years of my marriage lying about having orgasms-- with a man who thinks sex is over once he has an orgasm.

I have finally decided enough is enough but certainly do not want to admit I have been dishonest.
My husband and I have have sex twice a week sometimes more I am not satisfied with the quality of the sex. 

I have a very hard time relaxing and being on the receiving end of pleasure just for myself. My husband is willing to do most things but he really thinks sex is over once he has an orgasm which makes me very sad. He also thinks his penis is all it takes to get me aroused this is my fault at this point-- maybe he is just lazy?

I have told him repeatedly to the point of anger that sex is just not about his orgasm-- but he continues to lay back once he is "done".:scratchhead:

I have never masturbated and the few times I have tried I have thought what is the point of this, I am dead down there-- I do not fantasize either.

About a week ago I did put the vibrator on before we had sex to get my body ready-- along with the stockings and thong. Seemed to help but still I do not think I had an orgasm, just wetter sex-- I have no problem with lubrication not in menopause yet.

Hope this is somewhat clear.

I want good satisfying sex with the man I love and who loves me. 





Thoughts ideas? I am ready for your judgement--


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. Cherry,

Very soon you will be given advice and comments which all boils down to "..Your husband sounds either very selfish, or not very good lover.." and I will be amongst them who give you such comment 

And I am sure one (or more) of our most eloquent members (maybe Mrs. SimplyAmorous or Mrs. Anon Pink) will come forward and give you very useful lectures on how to communicate your feelings to your husband in the best way possible.


----------



## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

I think communication is key to have good satisfying sex with the man you love! You should be honest with him, maybe go to a sex shop together and look at what they have, everything from vibrators to sexy lingerie to handcuffs etc. 

If he says he is willing to do anything to you, have him blindfold you and kiss you everywhere and definitely do oral! The not knowing what he is going to do will make you very excited! 

My fiance is kind of like your husband, once he orgasms its done BUT there is definitely mega foreplay and he lasts forever a long time (more than 10 minutes but I am comparing this to previous bfs my age). My experiences are very sensual and my fiance is willing to do any position I want.

Have you experimented with positions? 

Good luck and let us know how it goes!!


----------



## Lovelycherry (Sep 2, 2013)

See I knew I would not have to wait too long for judgement--:smthumbup:


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my poor dear sister!

Do your orgasm at all, even by yourself? if not, that's your first mission, to make yourself orgasm. 

I have to log off and get dinner...I'll do some google searches and post again.


----------



## Lovelycherry (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks-- 

I have tried some things but still not sure what the trouble is-- wet as all heck and enjoy his touch.

He is willing like I said-- probably more me then him just say'in 

The focus should always be on us/me after all I am the one with the issue he is content.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First of you, you are NOT dead down there! Sleeping maybe, but not dead. You lubricate so that means your body is responding.

To have an orgasm, you have to engage the mind and the body.

Do you ever do kagel exercises? If not start doing them, while you brush your teeth, while you wait at red lights, while you stir the sauce pot... do them through out the day. These are rhe muscles that are used during orgasm and doing frequent kagels will also help you learn to both isolate and energize them. Kegel Exercises: Benefits, Goals & Cautions

It might be a good idea to shower and slowly, sensually wash your body, paying special attention to your erogenous zones, focusing on how good it feels, not how foolish you feel. This is your time to learn to love your body. Remind yourself how beautiful you are, how soft, and how lovely it is to touch yourself.

While you are masturbating, let your mind wander to the most senual and sexually explicit things you can imagine. No laundry lists, no thinking about taxes...you are training your brain to think about sex and what turns you on. 

There are lots of ways to masturbate, laying on your back, as you use a toy or your hands, laying on your stomach as you grind away on a bunch up pillow, your hands or a toy. Try different ways that work for you.

Read erotica, I'm not talking romance, unless you're really into it, but down right stroke stories who's only purpose is to turn the reader on. There are several free web sites, google erotic stories online or free erotic stories... You'll find a fascinating menu of any and all kink genres and straight vanilla sex...read something and if it turns you on, go masturbate. Learn to take that tingle feeling to the next level.

Those Kagels... When you do have sex, use them. Tense up those kagel muscles as you pump your pelvis in ways that feel good for you.

I think you should come clean to your husband but if you are dead set against it, you could just tell him you've been having a real hard time getting there lately and you need him to ...fill in the blank.

"Honey, next time we have sex could you please spend a lot more time playing with my breasts and then with my clit, I think that might really help me get there..."

We haven't even touched on letting your mind focus on you, keeping your head in the game, creating sexy images that you can focus on during sex. That will need more input from you though. Talk more about what your mind is doing when your body is trying to have sex?


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I read a while back that if a woman is capable of being aroused at all, she is capable of having an O. So remember that on your journey. It's old, but the book For Yourself was a help to me. 

Every other resource made it seem like the second you touched yourself you would explode with pleasure. For some of us, it can take quite a bit of practice and experimentation.

For many the best vibrator is the magic wand. No batteries, very strong vibrations. Or you may want to try a dual G-spot/clitoral vibe. Try the water tap or a shower massage/jacuzzi jet too.

Once you know what type of stimulation gets you there you can communicate it to your H.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you spent 26 years training him to be bad at sex with your lies, and your conclusion is that he's lazy?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So you spent 26 years training him to be bad at sex with your lies, and your conclusion is that he's lazy?


That's not at all what she said. She complained that he rolled over after sex, then suggested maybe he was lazy. She also said he was willing.

Makes me wonder if OP isn't getting enough away from bed affection...?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lovelycherry said:


> Not exactly sure where to begin I have spent the last 26 years of my marriage lying about having orgasms-- with a man who thinks sex is over once he has an orgasm.
> 
> I have finally decided enough is enough but certainly do not want to admit I have been dishonest.
> My husband and I have have sex twice a week sometimes more I am not satisfied with the quality of the sex.
> ...



Us guys don't get it unless we are really communicated with. So if you aren't having orgasms and not satisfied with his efforts, you must tell him in detail, so he can get it and do what it takes to give you orgasms and be a better man in bed. If you don't say too much, he won't get it and you get angry and nothing really changes, 26 years later.

Take some time to really think about what turns you on. Then tell him that in detail.

Find out what it takes to give you orgasms and that means knowing your body. Then tell him in detail.

Key is thorough communication and don't just assume he might get it one day because he won't.

Try him using a small vibrator on you, while he gives you oral at the same time, no rush, until you orgasm. Do this first before you guys start having sex. Could be 5 minutes or maybe 15 - 20 minutes. No pressure.

No communicating, don't expect much. We are men after all and not mind readers.


----------



## Lovelycherry (Sep 2, 2013)

Hey be gentle -- I mean well-- I love my man and he loves me. I come from a place that maybe some of you might recognize-- a family that never addressed sex and when they did it was dirty-- so I carry a bit of baggage with me. I remember being a child and using the shower on myself, feeling guilty and stopping. We just installed a new shower with two jets one at ass level and one at the belly so I can try a it of that. I do get impatient with myself.

But I am willing and I am here-- so be kind if you can. 

I will try the suggested ideas and appreciate them. I already took out a soft sex novel from the library to help my mind, ,maybe something more intense would be better. I did have an erotic dream they scare me cause I feel out of control-- I guess I could tell my husband about them he would probably like that.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Honey, sister, sugar pie....orgasms are all about not being in control. Time to give it up and let go. Maybe get drunk or smoke some weed?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lovelycherry said:


> Hey be gentle -- I mean well-- I love my man and he loves me. I come from a place that maybe some of you might recognize-- a family that never addressed sex and when they did it was dirty-- so I carry a bit of baggage with me. I remember being a child and using the shower on myself, feeling guilty and stopping. We just installed a new shower with two jets one at ass level and one at the belly so I can try a it of that. I do get impatient with myself.
> 
> But I am willing and I am here-- so be kind if you can.
> 
> I will try the suggested ideas and appreciate them. I already took out a soft sex novel from the library to help my mind, ,maybe something more intense would be better. I did have an erotic dream they scare me cause I feel out of control-- I guess I could tell my husband about them he would probably like that.



Once you married him, how you might of been raised and previously experienced should of gone out the window. He is a new chapter in your life and you married him. I say, let it all go already, quit being a sexually repressed and do all the things you've always fantasized and dreamed about and with your hubby. Take the initiative if he isn't the type to do so. No holes barred. Let it rip and enjoy the new time together start right now!!!:smthumbup:


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There are tons of women who really struggle to shake off such an upbringing. My own husband is a recovering catholic and my best friend is a recovering Jehovah's Witness.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am a God fearing Christian man and my sex started when I was in my early teens, in bed, from rubbing my penis with my legs together. I didn't know what this feeling was or anything but I had my first orgasm and from that point.........I want sex all the time, anywhere, anytime, even anyplace but I have much more control now that I'm older, even though my drive is still pretty high. 

My wifee was raised by an Atheist Father and God fearing Mother. So she is in the middle of the fence on most issues. She is the LD one that's only into vanilla sex. Go figure.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi Lovely -

I'm here for the same reason - mostly.

I'm 43, so a bit younger. Lets see, how to sum up.

First of all, I did end up telling my H of 18 years that I had never had an orgasm with him. He was shocked by this. It made him feel very bad about himself. Ours was a joint problem, though. I had lied about my orgasms and he had never done anything to earn an orgasm (foreplay was what he liked, mostly breast related, no oral, no genital touching.) While I feel bad about my part in this he also needed the shock, I think, that it wasn't just about him anymore.

Second, I went to therapy over my sexual issues. They boiled down to a fear of opening myself up to H in this way (so to speak) and also a basic feeling of unworthiness. While some women are pretty easy to get off there are the others like myself that take some time. There is a basic feeling that you should not ask a person to go to this trouble, that they wouldn't want to. That they will feel worse if they try and try and still nothing happens.

There are a variety of vibrators. In my experience the electric (plug in) vibrators are strongest. If you are seeking orgasm for the first time this might be the way to go. The one I have I purchased in walgreens, it is technically a muscle massager. An electric vibrator used with KY 'Intense' is my recipe for success. You might find holding the vibrator around your clitoris, not right on it, will be effective. There are large nerves that start below the clitoris and wick around to the vaginal opening. 

Where I am right now - my H now starts with foreplay that is focused on me. I have to communicate to him what I want him to do. I have gone from being silent during sex to whispering in his ear the whole time. It does not work every time. I remain optimistic that it will keep getting better, though. The truth is that its really hard to change. Its one of those changes that is worth it - but it doesn't make it easier. 

Good luck!


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I also wanted to add - when we fake orgasms or lie by omission by not pointing out that we aren't having orgasms we are making a choice that shouldn't be ours to make.

For many years I thought, given the choice between having to work on my orgasm for 20-30 minutes (give or take) or having me fake one 10 minutes into the act that my H would pick the 10 minutes of non work. This was not my choice to make for him.

If our situations were reversed I would not care if it too 90 minutes to get him off - I would want to do it. That we do not feel worthy of the same or even being able to plainly give our spouses the choice speaks to our own issues. This is what I have been in therapy over.


----------



## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

The part about your husband being done with sex after orgasm seems normal to me. After a man has an orgasm, they go through a refractory period and their drive is completely diminished for a period of time. My man always brings me to orgasm first because I know once he orgasms, it's over for awhile.


----------



## Lovelycherry (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks you are the best-- I have hope.
I sent him the lengthy thread on oral sex that you have here-- lets see how he responds and how I respond too--

Weed would not be a bad idea


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Weed might help. When I was in college, my best friend's girlfriend would come to us looking for weed for her Mom, as her Mom couldn't orgasm unless she was high.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Three cheers for wisdom and the grace to always seek change for the better!

You have lots of good advice so far, and I just want to add my encouragement. If your husband is willing and you are committed, you can do this. Look to the internet for tutorials and erotica to help. Try stimulating other erogenous zones (nipples or g-spot for example) along with clitoral stimulation. Sometimes having vaginal penetration (not a penis) really helps. I rarely have a clitoral orgasm during PIV sex, but I do love when my husband gives me oral with his fingers inside me. Can you try without vibrators first? Don't give up on trying to orgasm with manual or oral; like some other women, I finder it harder orgasm on my own or with my husband if I use vibrators a lot. And fantasize--take your mind away from what you are "trying" to do! If I'm having some trouble relaxing and getting into my groove, I have no shame in what I conjure up to get there! NEVER feel shame or guilt for what is in your head--YOU own it, YOU control it, it's YOURS alone. 

You deserve to enjoy sex as much as your husband--no matter how long it takes. My husband has a huge collapse after he comes--lays there like a dying animal! I let him recover for five or ten minutes, and then ask for mine. Or, if I'm feeling generous, I just ask him to hold me and stroke me as I take care of myself. It doesn't have to be one way or the other and no, both of you don't have to come every time. It's about mutual satisfaction over all, and it's never too late to shake things up!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

keeper63 said:


> Weed might help. When I was in college, my best friend's girlfriend would come to us looking for weed for her Mom, as her Mom couldn't orgasm unless she was high.


*"Senate holding hearings on the use of medical marijuana.* 
An anxious husband from Kentucky pleads to let his wife out of jail having been convicted of growing the illegal substance. 'She can't orgasm without it! Maybe Senator Rand doesn't care if his wife orgasms, but I certainly do!"

Don't google this folks I just made it up...


----------



## Monarch (Dec 5, 2012)

If he's falling asleep right after he comes (which is normal...sex is exhausting and the brain fills with sleepy time hormones once it is over, as others have noted) then his job should be to please you first. Or at least make a long term effort to try new things and work with you...while you communicate clearly what you like, what works, etc. As someone earlier said, most men need things spelled out. Really spelled out. 

If he doesn't get that the tool isn't getting the job done, consider looking at the book "she comes first". It describes how intricate your physiology is compared to his and may help him understand that what does it for him may not do it for you. Men (myself included) are never taught this stuff, and we sort of assume that by the way sex works both men and women should have the same awesome experience, but in reality things are often far more complicated (and fun and interesting!).

Besides, when a man is aroused is the time to get him to try new things, not afterward when desire is gone and he is half (or all) asleep. I'll do nearly anything for my wife up until the moment I finish...after that I usually doze right afterward, and I am fit/athletic. For me it's been that way since my early 20s.


----------



## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross have a multitude of wonderful conversations on video that covers so many topics that could be helpful. Carlin Ross - YouTube

Browse through them a bit.


----------



## Lovelycherry (Sep 2, 2013)

Great videos--


----------



## Lovelycherry (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks all-- been working very hard on this and I think I had an orgasm with a vibrator. The whole time I had to talk to myself to relax and that this is Ok to just have pleasure for myself. The videos from Ross and Dodson where helpful. I happened to have almond oil in my cabinet and it is the best lubricant-- for both me and my husband ( he loves it). I used a mirror to really see myself and sat in the floor. My husband of course loves this whole idea-- but it really made me upset to think all these years I have been short changing him and me-- Hoping to make up for all those years-- and sort of sad about it too. 

I ordered a Hitatchi vibrator and can't wait for it to arrive

I have one more question I have a 24 year old daughter and I am not sure how to approach this whole subject-- the thought of her going through life without this pleasure upsets me. I left her a note on her bed ( she lives at home has a nice boyfriend but I do not believe they are having sex) telling her about the videos from Ross and Dobson-- just saying that they are a great resource and she and I do not need to discuss it but she can look at her leisure. Hoping I did the right thing--- Thanks a million you really made a difference. I am sure I will have more questions as time goes by.

One of the things that Betty Dobson did for me that was amazing is the different shapes of women's vaginas-- who knew? I thought I was some how deformed with my big lips that hang down- now I feel beautiful. I recently shaved all pubic hair off and that has been a very good thing-- my husband had been trying to get me to do that for years and I resisted it gosh I am so glad I did it.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you're tense etc try some to a lot of ambiance, a long "pregame" show, a long "postgame" show, and some inspiring beverages along the way. This worked very well for us (back on the pre Rupture days at least).

Obviously this is not conducive to happening several times a week unless you are financially set for life and can afford to (and are able to) sleep at 3-4 am on a weekday...


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Cherry - I am very, very happy for you. Best wishes to you as you travel this road to the sex life that you desire with your husband and yourself.

Just a few steps farther down the road than you are - I hope you will not be too hard on yourself. I have taken large steps of progress and also steps back in the wrong direction. 

My biggest obsticle has been dealing with my feelings when my H is trying so hard and this causes a fear and anxiety in me that short circuits my response. If I could speak to myself 3 months ago I would tell myself there will be many times he will try and 'fail' so to speak. When you have spent years feeling like you are faking to protect someone you love it is very difficult to let them 'fail'. However this is a necessary step. And I use the term fail very loosely because there really is no failure when someone is willing and learning to do these things. I am limited by terminology. 

Best wishes to you and your husband both on this journey.


----------

