# Fantasizing too much



## priorityone (Jun 10, 2014)

I feel like a terrible person. 

My husband is a great guy for the most part. He is relatively good looking but doesn't always take the best care of himself (sometimes only mouthwashes instead of brushing teeth, eats too much so he is gassy and farts all of the time, etc.). He is very loud and abrasive and it sometimes embarrasses me. He likes to show off with rude humor and finds himself funny (the feelings are not always mutual with his audience - he often offends them but totally does not get he is doing it). People either love him to pieces or hate him because they can't handle him. He gets super uptight with the kids but really tries and is a good dad (we have 3 kids). He is completely unorganized which has not helped our financial situation but he works really hard in his business. He is very good at sales. He is never not looking at his phone and often storms out of a room like a teenager when our teenage daughter talks back to him. He thinks he is musical but really he is not but refuses to just accept that we all cannot be good at everything. I think he lies to me about getting speeding tickets and even meeting up with people. He doesn't always share the mundane details. I think I have lost a lot of respect for him over the years but I don't know why.

He really loves me. He puts me a bit of a pedestal. He gets me anything I want and is usually there whenever I need him. He takes care of the kids for the most part, too, since I work out of the home. He buys me flowers and tells me how much he loves me all of the time. Yes, different with me than with others.

We have known each other for 23 years, married for 17 of those and met when I was 16 and he was 17. He was my first. I was obsessed with the idea of him and he was a bit of a bad boy. My parents hated his rude behavior and lack of manners. We had a great first summer together - one I wish I could repeat again and again. I was so free and in love.

Towards the end of the first year of dating I found out I was pregnant (at 17). I wanted to keep it but my parents were too embarrassed to be seen with a pregnant teen and my boyfriend didn't know what to do so went along with it. I had an abortion.

I changed, he changed, our relationship changed. I became a more solemn person - not as happy go lucky as before and my self-esteem plummeted. He became more stern in general and never seemed happy. He went away to college and we had ok visits that first year.

By the time I was 19 I found myself irritated with him all of the time. I told him that I really never dated so wanted to break up so I could experience that a bit. Well, I dated 3 guys and ended back with him two months later because I hated dating. The grass is always greener, right?

We got engaged a short time later. I knew I loved him but I wasn't sure if I was in love with him. I also, being 19 and ignorant, was just excited to be engaged! The idea of a wedding got me through until our wedding day. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. I made an excuse that I was too tired.

Sex wasn't great. I had never had an orgasm from him. Just being close was good enough for a while. I was also diagnosed with an unglamorous disease of the gut when I was 19 so that didn't help things either.

I blamed myself and thought that between the emotional turmoil of the abortion and physical turmoil of my disease that the reason our sex wasn't good was all on me. Also, I was molested as a child so when I started getting "icked out" when he touched me down there I blamed it on that. I blamed it all on me and even went to therapy.

Again, I still loved him so thought it would get better. We have now had three kids. I am not even sure when the third was conceived. Our sex by that point was me rolling over and basically feeling like a hole. I know my husband wanted more but I was unable to give it but I gave what I could out of obligation and because I felt like a bad wife.

As the years have gone on I have become more and more unattracted to him. Every little nuance makes me feel icked out. We have had moments of ok'ness, but more to the "I'll let you do this to me and I don't feel completely icked out" way. We have very vanilla sex about once a week or so. Well, I let him do me once a week or so. I do try to initiate sometimes thinking that would help, but he tries to get me off and cannot. I just cannot relax under his touch and thinking about him is not a turn on. He also has no rhythm.

I masturbate frequently now and think about movie stars or even past boys I dated or wanted to date. I feel terrible about it but I really just want pleasure. I really just want to be NOT grossed out by my husband. I really want him to be good at IT. 

I will repeat this. I have NEVER had an orgasm by him, not for lack of trying. Sometimes I just look at a celebrity's photo or think of a man I want and can have an O right there. Why not him? I know I have a lot to work on for myself. I have been exercising regularly and eating really well and part of me thinks that if I feel better about myself maybe I will think better of him or at least be more adventurous. I know my husband is willing. 

For now, unfortunately, I know that if any hot guy approached me and wanted me I might just do it to know that I can have an O. 

For the umpteenth time - I feel terrible. For now it is a fantasy but where does it go from here. I have 3 kids. I might have already left him if I didn't.

Chide away. I just needed to get this off my chest and to see if anyone had any suggestions or experienced something similar.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

First of all, before I even finish reading your post, him NOT brushing his teeth (mouthwash only? :wtf, excessive gas and farting is disgusting!

He needs to brush his teeth, at least TWICE a day. Who would want to kiss a mouth full of bacteria and plaque (not to mention bad breath) and then crawl under the covers full of stinking gas?!

How is the rest of his hygiene? Does he shower daily? Change his underwear? Wash his hair, or is it greasy? Fingernail and toenail grooming? Washing his b*lls? Sounds completely gross to me.

NOW I will go back and read the rest of your post.


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## priorityone (Jun 10, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> First of all, before I even finish reading your post, him NOT brushing his teeth (mouthwash only? :wtf, excessive gas and farting is disgusting!
> 
> He needs to brush his teeth, at least TWICE a day. Who would want to kiss a mouth full of bacteria and plaque (not to mention bad breath) and then crawl under the covers full of stinking gas?!
> 
> ...


:rofl: Thanks for that! He gets lazy regarding his teeth, but it isn't all the time. He does shower regularly but the gas sometimes ruins that!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening priorityone
Fantasizing is normal and fine, nothing to worry about. What is a concern is that you are not attracted to your husband. 

Can you talk to him about his hygiene issues? 

Does he want to please you in bed, or does he not care?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

priorityone said:


> :rofl: Thanks for that! He gets lazy regarding his teeth, but it isn't all the time. He does shower regularly but the gas sometimes ruins that!


priority, you are laughing this off (ok, we all need some humor in our lives) but I am actually about to vomit in my mouth at the prospects of being intimate with someone whose personal hygiene is lacking (especially kissing a dirty mouth) and stinking up the marital bed with gas.

Sounds like you are a bit too lackadaisical on this issue...

I wouldn't be able to get beyond the kiss. Or the gas. Complete lack of respect for you. Never mind the other issues. And I'm not even a germaphobe...


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## priorityone (Jun 10, 2014)

lackadaisical? hardly. I guess I must have made it sound worse that it really is. Yes, he sometimes has these issues but it isn't constant. Now that I think about it he has been better. I do tell him when I am feeling grossed out. 

I think he wants to please me. He does try but his technique is obviously not right and neither is his "aim" or rhythm. I don't know how to advise him, either, because he is my one and only. He would try all night but I start getting sore. He just doesn't arouse me the way I know I can be (from my fantasies). I am worried that I love him more as a friend at this point.

I think it is a mixed bag of our past and how I have changed and almost regret not having had more experience.

He is a good guy overall, to me anyway. I feel bad making sex such a big issue. I used to think I could just live without it and then he would be upset with me about it so I would give in. Now, he has become more understanding and sex has become more of a priority to me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

priorityone said:


> I am worried that I love him more as a friend at this point.


Ok, so THIS is your real issue.

Too many couples overlook the importance of "chemistry" in a relationship. Along with all the other good qualities, of course.

I know I overlooked it in my 20-year marriage. Like you, I was happy to be "engaged", to be getting married to a doctor, to have found all the items on my "checklist" (good family, good upbringing, similar values, good provider, nice guy, good father material, potential high income, "nice" guy) and I overlooked the RAW, VISCERAL attraction. *The glue, the bond, the "draw"...* The "I can't keep my hands off of you."

My second time around I found the TOTAL package...

I think you may be in the same boat I was in. You settled.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Your husband needs to take much better care of himself. At the same time it is important for you to remember that the movie stars you idolize are human too which means they often fart and may not always look nearly as handsome as they do when gracing the cover of your favorite magazine.

That said, talk to your husband about his hygiene. It sounds like in general you just find him annoying. His jokes, his irresponsibility, the way he storms off when their is a conflict with the teen daughter, etc. Bottling it up inside isn't going to help anything. Be straight, yet gentle, with him and let him know you are unhappy but want to work together to improve the marriage.

Be prepared to hear that he may have his own frustrations with you that he has not voiced. Be open to his needs and realize that you may not be the only one who feels like you settled.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If I had never had an orgasm with my partner, I'm pretty sure I'd be fantasizing all the time too.

But do YOU know how to give yourself an orgasm? Have you shown him how you do it? What about getting a small bullet type vibrator and using it on yourself while having PIV sex?

C


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

All that you posted, is really just a symptom of how you feel about YOU.

I think you have used escapism since you were a teenager. You went through the procedure and...it changed you. You ceased to "relax." Fun, is no longer something you feel. Enjoyment, is just a metaphor for loneliness. You shut down your emotions, and you've never regained your original personality.

You've retreated into a fantasyland as a way to handle to your self worth. Deal with that, and maybe you'll figure out how to relax enough to "o" with your husband.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Have you considered whether his diet is causing the problem with his producing gas? Could be that a change here would solve that problem?


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