# Feel like a cheater is all anyone sees



## lost all respect (Jan 20, 2011)

Short intro have been married many years, never thought I was the "cheating" type.....whatever that means, but I got involved emotionally and physically, and was caught by my wife. I never wanted to leave my wife, and never felt that I didn't love her, although my actions would say otherwise. I ended the affair and cut off contact with OW and my wife agreed to give the marriage a chance, along with going to counseling. 

Of course she continues to deal with all the feelings and insecurities that I created by having an affair, and I continue to deal with the guilt, shame, and somewhat numb feeling I because of what I did.

This is hard enough to deal with anyway but it seems so many people know what I did that I find myself just wanting to crawl in a hole. If I ever mention that, my wife reminds me of all I have put her through and what she has to deal with. 

My question for other "disloyal" spouses. How did you regain respect with your spouse, friends, family.....and just as importantly, with yourself?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

First we fessed up to everything that was bad in our marriage. Then we went to counseling and applied what we were learning about ourselves and each other.
We recommitted to each other and we talk all the time now.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I had to read this and re-read it about 3 times and then text my husband to check if you were him 

We are going threw this same exact situation...pretty much word for word. We are about 3 weeks from me finding out or as others like to call it Dday. 

I am so glad you two have committed to working together and you recognize you still love her. She's going to need to hear that allot, I know I do.

I would say take that numb feeling and kick it to the curb. Numbness between my husband and myself, us trying to deal with our inner problems on our own is what created a rift that added in his decision to go find someone else. Now he is the man I always thought I would be married to. He's open, he's emotional and doesn't try to keep his problems to himself. Now his problems and my problems are our problems and we are working to share our struggles as a couple and not deal with them as complete individuals.

I would say the hardest thing is probably that you need to put your own feelings aside and focus on her with all your might and keep on doing it always.

My greatest fear is that this feeling will wear off for him, that he acts out of guilt and not love and only time will prove that otherwise. You have to be consistent in your efforts and encourage her to share with you as much as possible. 

I feel guilty when I get mad at my H because he is the last person I want to be mad at and yet he invited a situation into our lives where I can't be anything but mad some times. The only way I really get past it is when he coaxes me to talk and then I feel better. I think my times of anger and frustration are longer and longer apart and I hope and pray always the time between will continue to grow till I no longer have that resentment anymore.

Also don't forget to have fun with each other. You can date all over again and grow together.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

lost all respect said:


> My question for other "disloyal" spouses. How did you regain respect with your spouse, friends, family.....and just as importantly, with yourself?


It's been 3+ years since I was caught cheating and we are doing well now. But it wasn't easy. I didn't tell every single person I knew, but the family and friends I did tell, I was very open about what happened and what I did. My family was good about forgiving me, and most of my H's family was too. His mom still acts weird around me but she's got her own issues so it's hard to know what's going on with her.

One friend in particular pretty much dropped me after I confided in her. Our sons are friends but they don't see each other outside of school anymore and she acts cold towards me when I see her now. A few other friends backed off a bit but the ones who are really good friends are still good friends. No one really wanted to talk about it with me, but they listened and I guess they forgave me. They knew that H and I were in counseling and that we've been able to work things out and life is back to being good again.

For myself, it took a long time for me to not always think poorly of myself. Now, it only crosses my mind a few times a week at most, and I remind myself of the pain I caused, but I don't dwell on it. Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself but it doesn't last long. I suppose I will always live with these feelings, but I don't let it define me. I learned from the experience and I will never do anything like it again. 

Hope you are able to find some peace, but be patient; it can take a while.


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## lost all respect (Jan 20, 2011)

DanF, Thanks for your response, we too have "fessed" up and are in counseling...application of the counseling is sometimes easier said than done. We also talk all the time now, although so much of that talk is looking backward rather than forward. 

Idontknownow, Thanks for your response. 3 weeks huh? We are way past three weeks, and have had some really great days/weeks and some really bad ones as well. She is told several times daily that I love her, but many times she questions if I really mean it. I have created insecurities in her that cause her to question my every word, look, or emotion, which then cause me to plunge back into a feeling of guilt for what I did. Thanks again for your response and comments....and yes trying to have fun and dating again has helped. 

Homemaker, Save your husband the question.....I'm not him. I like what you said about getting back to normal....I might add I never want us to go back to our normal. I hope and pray for a day where we can say despite the pain that we are better as a couple for this, somedays I don't know. Forgiving myself, yeah that's a big one......of course I'm not sure I can say she has forgiven me, although she says she has. Maybe it's the anger I occasionally still see in her, maybe it's just me thinking I'm not worthy of her forgiveness. Your response pretty much nails alot of my feeling....and some good advice as well. Thanks


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Lost, I will keep it short and sweet. While time passes and people that know about your Affair see the positive actions you are making, they will probably think of you more as just a man that made a mistake. Granted, its a biggie, but we all make mistakes, big and small. If we were all defined by our mistakes what a miserable world it would be. Hang in with the counseling, I know it sucks to talk about the past but do it to get to the root of any issues and put your life back together. Just as you know your actions cause pain, they can cause happiness as well, so keep up with the positive actions!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

OMG, you could be my husband, too! We are dealing with this now. He feels like it's always going to haunt him and he'll have to live under a microscope and he doesn't want to do that. I feel like I have to get rid of the feelings, forgive and move on. I struggle with it because he does things that make me feel more insecure (facebook messaging, phone calls, e-mail accounts, etc.). It was almost 4 years ago that it happened, but we never counseled for the right reasons. I want to learn how to get past it. I hate where we are at now. Funny thing is, we were happy and fine a week ago. My insecurities brought us back to this place. It sucks.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lost all respect said:


> This is hard enough to deal with anyway but it seems so many people know what I did that I find myself just wanting to crawl in a hole. If I ever mention that, my wife reminds me of all I have put her through and what she has to deal with.
> 
> My question for other "disloyal" spouses. How did you regain respect with your spouse, friends, family.....and just as importantly, with yourself?


That's one of the reasons I don't like "exposure". Makes reconcilliation all round much more difficult, complex and longer. Some things are best kept quite about.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

What about the humiliation, pain,disrespect the loyal spouse goes through? You have no idea what kind of a pain that causes the disloyal spouse unless you have been one. And to top it off not all cheaters are immediately remorseful which makes the whole situation even more difficult.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

AFEH said:


> That's one of the reasons I don't like "exposure". Makes reconcilliation all round much more difficult, complex and longer. Some things are best kept quite about.


:iagree: Very few people know about my H's A. Only a handful. Only family member on either side is one of my siblings and I even regret that. I think it would have been so much harder to reconcile if everyone knew about it. This way, it's between us.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

mommy2 said:


> :iagree: Very few people know about my H's A. Only a handful. Only family member on either side is one of my siblings and I even regret that. I think it would have been so much harder to reconcile if everyone knew about it. This way, it's between us.


That's the way. I understand what the LS goes through as I've been one. To this day over 30 years later no one in my family or my wife's family knows about it. If we truly love the DS we don't do them down, humble and humiliate them by exposing them no matter what they put us through. That's how I think on love, one of the true meanings of the word.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RWB said:


> LallR,
> 
> The pain you caused and the pain you feel are your consequences, period. You will never be the same again and your wife will never see you as before, consequences. Your selfish actions while can be forgiven, will never be totally forgotten, consequences.


Humanity's got to be in the mix somewhere for a true and enduring reconciliation, hasn’t it? Else how do you get rid of the spite and resentment?


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## lost all respect (Jan 20, 2011)

RWB said:


> LallR,
> 
> The pain you caused and the pain you feel are your consequences, period. You will never be the same again and your wife will never see you as before, consequences. Your selfish actions while can be forgiven, will never be totally forgotten, consequences.


Well for one, I don't wish to be the same, my goal for us both would be that we be better. Yes, I caused this pain but there was much in our marriage that wasn't right before this.....no excuse for what I did though. 

I have to admit, upon first reading your response my first thought was this is why people just start over, a thought that has occasionally crossed my mind as well. But then as I re-read it I can't disagree, you are right these are some of the consequences. 

I do hope that as AFEH has said that there is more to it for us. We have too much life left in front of us to both live with that way from now on.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lost all respect said:


> Well for one, I don't wish to be the same, my goal for us both would be that we be better. Yes, I caused this pain but there was much in our marriage that wasn't right before this.....no excuse for what I did though.
> 
> I have to admit, upon first reading your response my first thought was this is why people just start over, a thought that has occasionally crossed my mind as well. But then as I re-read it I can't disagree, you are right these are some of the consequences.
> 
> I do hope that as AFEH has said that there is more to it for us. We have too much life left in front of us to both live with that way from now on.


It’ll depend on how big a woman your wife is and how big a man you are. What follows in your lives will be a big test for both of you, probably (and hopefully) the biggest test you’ll face in your lives. It’ll either tear you apart or bring you closer together.

Forgiveness is a good place to start but there’s a lot of people that don’t know that. And because of that their lives become full of bitterness and resentment. All that does is block out creativity and growth and at the same time creates a hell that one of you will decide you can no longer live in.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

LallR,

I'm 31+ years in a marriage to a wife that cheated on and off for 6 years. I know all about shame, guilt, pain, and consequences. 

As AFEH alluded, reconciliation really comes down to mercy. I chose to show mercy.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RWB said:


> LallR,
> 
> I'm 31+ years in a marriage to a wife that cheated on and off for 6 years. I know all about shame, guilt, pain, and consequences.
> 
> As AFEH alluded, reconciliation really comes down to mercy. I chose to show mercy.


That's the path to walk. I actually think it's the easier and quickest path to a full and healthy reconcilliation.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

AFEH said:


> That's one of the reasons I don't like "exposure". Makes reconcilliation all round much more difficult, complex and longer. Some things are best kept quite about.


When a DS texts and emails all friends, including LS friends that its over because of infidelity on DS part, it kinda makes it all very difficult, particularly if LS was the last to know. 

Learning about all the lies and cheating by a DS from a third party is much more insulting, disrespectful and probably more devastating than a DS "fessing" up to a LS. 

A DS that lets a LS discover an affair by a third party means the pain is compounded, although all affairs can be terribly painfull and a devastating experience to a totally trusting LS. That's when friends can help.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Lost, I'm going to have my husband read this thread tonight. I'm sure he's feeling very similar to you, since I found out about his affair just over two weeks ago.

Right now he's still trying to help me deal with my own upheaval of emotions and pain, so he's trying not to dwell on his own inner turmoil. I've been the one wanting to keep the knowledge of his affair down to a minimum number of people and told only those we needed to for emotional support. However, he's already wondering how he'll ever win back their respect and doesn't want to be viewed as a cheater forever.

I think counseling will be a huge factor in restoring his self-respect, along with his treatment of me in the future. From that the rest should hopefully follow. If my friends eventually see us as happier and more fulfilled, I doubt they'd let my spouse's past actions define him.

This change in our lives is painful, but if I have to live through it, then I want change to make my life better nor worse. I have no desire to live my life bitter and/or resentful, so if I can't eventually forgive and let it go, then it would be best to let each other go and find happiness elsewhere. Only time will tell, but I'm hopeful enough to think forgiveness is possible.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Lazarus said:


> When a DS texts and emails all friends, including LS friends that its over because of infidelity on DS part, it kinda makes it all very difficult, particularly if LS was the last to know.
> 
> Learning about all the lies and cheating by a DS from a third party is much more insulting, disrespectful and probably more devastating than a DS "fessing" up to a LS.
> 
> A DS that lets a LS discover an affair by a third party means the pain is compounded, although all affairs can be terribly painfull and a devastating experience to a totally trusting LS. That's when friends can help.


Sorry but I don't got your meaning.

Friends can help but wont any friend be one sided? Surely an impartial counsellor is preferable?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Saffron said:


> This change in our lives is painful, but if I have to live through it, then I want change to make my life better nor worse. I have no desire to live my life bitter and/or resentful, so if I can't eventually forgive and let it go, then it would be best to let each other go and find happiness elsewhere. Only time will tell, but I'm hopeful enough to think forgiveness is possible.


I think that’s absolutely right. If in time the LS can’t forgive and let the memories fade into the past and it takes a while, then there’ll forever be bitterness and resentment based on something which should be history. And if that’s the case it becomes a lifetime persecution of the DS.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Saffron said:


> This change in our lives is painful, but if I have to live through it, then I want change to make my life better nor worse. I have no desire to live my life bitter and/or resentful, so if I can't eventually forgive and let it go, then it would be best to let each other go and find happiness elsewhere. Only time will tell, but I'm hopeful enough to think forgiveness is possible.


Best of Luck to you. You CAN do it. It can be done. While it was tough - my marriage is so much better now.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Sorry but I don't got your meaning.
> 
> Friends can help but wont any friend be one sided? Surely an impartial counsellor is preferable?


Friends are likely to be negative towards a DS because of the treatment towards a LS. Only if the DS seeks mercy from friends that know about the affair, can there be good support from friends towards a reconciled relationship. 

Friends can help very much in this regard but if a DS seeks a path of singledom or runs off with the OP there is highly likely to be a negative undercurrent from friends with a bad feeling towards a DS that treated a LS badly.

It's the lies and betrayal. The DS is usually tarred with claims of a complete lack of honesty because they not only cheated on their LS but on their friends and family too. 

That's why a DS is often treated like a leaper. Friends are wary that they will influence their own relationship partners into following the same path of a lotharo. That's why it is important to include friends in the reasons why you failed in your marriage and the request for thier support on your path to recovery. It helps minimise the shame by being humble even with your request for the support of friends.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Do you know what I wish my H would do - every day? Publicly 
1. Thank me for sticking with a guy that's put her through the ringer
2. wow she is so amazing. she humbles me.
3. proactively bring it up with friends (when feeling that uncomfortable sense they 'they' are looking at you) and say that you hope all your friends and learn from the mistake you made. 

When my H and I finally re-emerged into 'public' and went to a dinner with our closest friends (an annual event) and they all knew - no one knew what to say. At the end of the dinner I said to everyone that every single person around that table was amazing, incredible, and beautiful... and it really is worth treating each other that way. To really appreciate what you have together. Then I turned to my H and said "Would you like to say something to everyone? And he broke down in tears, he looked right at me, and said "I'm so sorry (me), and I love you so much." 
It was just what everyone at that table needed to hear just as much as I did. 

If your friends see the honesty - and it continues it will help. The big thing to realize is that when one betrays a spouse - they are also betraying others. 
Good luck


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