# Wife drinking and affecting our marriage



## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

Dear all,
I am new to the forum and need some help desperately.*
My marriage is in turmoil and I am feeling depressed and anxious.*
Been married for 10 years now and have 2 beautiful children aged 4 and 6. My wife describes me as a fabulous father and a good person and provider.
She loves me...
She just have that wow factor for me any more. She doesnt find me attractive either despite us having a healthy active sex life. She states that I need to "man up" and find new hobbies (of which I have very little). She's right.*
Most evenings she starts drinking wine and can easily put away two
bottles and a pack of cigarettes. This has been going on for about six months. She goes out drinking with her mates*
and comes back smashed and tells me of the men who have flirted with her that night. She assures me that she has not had an affair and I truely believe her
as we share no secrets from one another and our relationship is built on honesty (sometimes too much).
Last night I confronted her about the drinking and she admits that it is a problem and will commence sorting it out from today.
She feels and has openly told me that our relationship is more platonic than that deep physical and sexual feelings one gets when one first meets a new partner and for that reason she wishes to leave me. She states that her ideal man is tall and hunky and I just don't fit the criteria despite ticking all the other boxes that a marriage should have.
Help me and our marriage.*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Who's been watching the children while she goes out?

If I'm getting this right, your wife goes out, gets smashed, brags about her flirting situations, tells you to get hobbies, and then tells you to man up?

Maybe it's time you tell her to watch the kids while you go out. Maybe you should go drink with your mates. Maybe you should pick up some hobbies (sports, gaming, martial arts, cars, bikes, etc.). Maybe you should tell her what your ideal body type is in women. Maybe you should tell her about the women that you flirt with. 

How could you allow any of this? 

I actually agree with her! Man up, friend!

Sounds like she's got all the cards... Take a stand. None of that is fair.


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## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

I think you have hit the nail on the head, Interlocutor. I didn't know what man up meant until you mentioned what I should be doing. Yes I do need a hobby and yes I do need friends but would that truly fix how she feels for me? Also I have emigrated to a foreign country and lost all my friends so that makes things hard. 
I look after the kids when she goes out but the drinking is mainly at home and not out at the pub.
How do I take a stand without her blowing her top? She has a fierce temper when she's told what not to do. Maybe that's part of manning up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

As someone who appeased their wife while she went out drinking on girl's nights, I'd suggest against it. What do you think your wife is doing while she is out drunk around all these men? She's openly telling you that she's attracted to other people and getting hit on.

She's asking you to take charge and you're not. She's either already cheating on you (very few cheaters are just going to admit it openly), or about to soon. She wants out so I bet she's already got someone in mind.

She is admitting she doesn't have that wow factor for you because she has it for someone else. She wants to leave to pursue that. It's all in the cheater's playbook, happened to me.

You're revolving your life around her and she knows it. She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Time to sack up and grow a pair. Get some hobbies, get some guy friends. She already wants out so I'd look into something like the 180 plan. I'd also be snooping like crazy. VARs, phone/text records, emails, PI tailing her if necessary.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

doctordepressed said:


> I think you have hit the nail on the head, Interlocutor. I didn't know what man up meant until you mentioned what I should be doing. Yes I do need a hobby and yes I do need friends but would that truly fix how she feels for me? Also I have emigrated to a foreign country and lost all my friends so that makes things hard.
> I look after the kids when she goes out but the drinking is mainly at home and not out at the pub.
> How do I take a stand without her blowing her top? She has a fierce temper when she's told what not to do. Maybe that's part of manning up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your resolve should be harder than the temper of someone that's been partying while you were watching the kids! 

Laugh at her temper! Look forward to the challenge! Stand right in front of her, look her straight in the eyes, tell her how things are going to be, saying it ONCE, and carry out everything you said. Do NOT be afraid of your wife, pal! She should be afraid of you! Let my wife tell you what would happen if she ever came home from getting drunk at nightclubs or something like that. She'd be too scared ****less to even try. 

It sounds like you need to decide on boundaries, ASAP, and enforce them, by which I mean they are to be followed or there are consequences.


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## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

Boundaries are very important. I just don't know how to set them without being confrontational and a wanker. It's hard to find that balance between being too soft and too hard. Finding the right opportunity is also difficult. I need to set them ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention if youre both working or how long ago your wife has come to this 'realisation' about you. Why did she suddenly start drinking six months ago.


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## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

I work and my wife keeps home and takes the children to school. She came to the realization about 6 months ago when I was suffering from depression and threatened to leave me then. following psychology and medication I improved and our marriage improved but the drinking escalated. She's always been a bit of a drinker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

First off Im sorry you are going through this. It doesnt help a person who already has depressive tendencies to get more bad news. The advice to man up is the right course, but I imagine it would be difficult for you since your posts seem very soft (for lack of a better word). In order to man up, you will need a backbone and a little edge of being pissed off with the way she is taking advantage. Now, coming straight from a woman who has cheated (me) the fact that she tells you of the men who hit on her... there is more. When we women feel that our husbands do not desire us some of us will try to see if other men find us attractive (and I say some bc not all women do this). She may have told you in hopes that you would man up and get jealous and set the boundary bc she "belongs" to you alone... I dont see that you did that. Im not saying that her telling you that is right, but she may have been trying to get you to show her your manness and your attraction to her which she obviously feels is gone. 

If you want her back, you will need to court her like you were just starting to date her again, be the way a man is with a woman he is pursuing with fervor... that is what she is seeking. She wants to know that she is desirable and since you havent been showing her (for the reason of the depression you mentioned) she has finally gone out to see if she is to others. I hoipe its not too late, but you have to start showing her ASAP as it sounds like she is checked out. You have to balance all this pursuing with setting the boundary of having her get a sitter if she chooses to go out and drink and flirt, you will no longer accommodate that (you co-dependent you!). Anything that makes you feel like you are being used for her convenience has to stop... she is using you.

Best of luck!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If your children go to school then your wife should be having a job. That would take her mind off 'improving' you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

doctordepressed said:


> Boundaries are very important. I just don't know how to set them without being confrontational and a wanker. It's hard to find that balance between being too soft and too hard. Finding the right opportunity is also difficult. I need to set them ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I'd go in the other direction and work on toning it down. Your wife is questioning your manhood. She's in essence telling you to be a wanker. You could use some confrontation.

Honestly, I think every time you let her go out drinking with her friends you risk your wife cheating on you (if she isn't already). At the least, you need to start telling her what she's doing that you don't like, and let her know your boundaries.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her wanting you to have hobbies etc sounds like some misdirection going on. Things to get you out of the house and keep you busy too free her up.

Two bottles of wine a night, that's a lot of alcohol.and a lot of calories. She's going to bloat up big time doing that not to mention her liver.

She has no doubt falling into the trap of drunk bar skanks and the men how hang with them.

What needs to stop is your wife going out drinking without you there. That's the first man up you need to affect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Wait... You work, she doesn't, she goes out and parties, you don't?

If it sounds like I'm trying to get you upset, well, I AM. 

Your anger at the situation needs to outweigh hers here by a landslide.

I STRONGLY DISAGREE you need to court her... Horrible idea.

You need to focus on YOUR life and pretend she doesn't exist, i.e. treat her like a roommate that is obligated, as any roommate would, to certain duties around the house. 

Then, if she is interested at some point in the future, SHE CAN COURT YOU while you court her, mutually, as two interested people in real life would date each other... Definitely not now though. There is too much she needs to make up to you.

Depression? Of course you're depressed. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't be in this kind of climate. 

Time to toughen up, big time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Doc,
Make no mistake here, you can not tell *her* what to do, you are right she will tell you off by labeling you controlling. But you can tell her what *YOU* will do!

Calmly inform her that you will not try to control her b/c you can't but you can control what you will tolorate and who you choose to be with. Let her know that she can continue on and you wish her the best (with a smile on your face).

This is no longer about her , but you want to make the changes that you need to do by moving on with out her. Tell her you love her and if she chooses to discontinue this unhealthy lifestyle then you will consider working on the marriage but until then she needs to leave.

Granted she may not leave and she may not want to hear any of this, but the point her is you taking a stand that it is your choice and she can do what she wants. You can only control what you will tolorate , you cant control other peolpe.

I get it you love her and don't want to hurt the kids but the only ammo you have here is the tough love approach that tells her you are confident enough to move on with out her if she continues. After that it is her choice to call your bluff and continue and see if your really moving on or if this will bring her out of the fog and make her think twice about what she is doing and the reality that her behavior is going to destroy her marraige.


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## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> Doc,
> Make no mistake here, you can not tell *her* what to do, you are right she will tell you off by labeling you controlling. But you can tell her what *YOU* will do!
> 
> Calmly inform her that you will not try to control her b/c you can't but you can control what you will tolorate and who you choose to be with. Let her know that she can continue on and you wish her the best (with a smile on your face).
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

doctordepressed said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are so right, the guy. I'll take your advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

PS Day 2 of no booze and things seem better. Joining a dance club and doing some running. Have downloaded an ebook on boundaries written by an expert. Fingers crossed now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

doctordepressed said:


> She assures me that she has not had an affair and I truely believe her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may not have had "an affair", but I can GUARANTEE she's not being as honest about these nights out as she claims. Making out once or twice with strangers is not "an affair". Heck, a ONS or two is not "an affair". 

Stop this crap immediately. IMMEDIATELY! 

And leave her, by the way. She doesn't think you have the balls to do it, and it appears she's right.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I remember when I was a teenager, I did things to really upset my parents... Just to get their attention. Maybe I wanted for them to tell be to grow up and be a man and make better decisions... I wanted them to tell me NO!

Now as an adult, my wife doesn't give me the attention that I so much crave. Maybe my wife no longer has that wow factor for me...Maybe she is not attracted to me. I want her to get a hobby, find some interests, go to the gym...anything to make her more interesting.

For myself, I have been drinking a lot... Definitely NOT 2 bottles, but a lot for me just, to get her attention. She was even surprised when I started to go to A.A. meetings. She didn't think I was an alcoholic. It's like she was calling my bluff.

I have been reading many books on marriage and let her see me reading the books just to spark some conversation. I do tell her when other women flirt with me. I know she doesn't seem to "lust" over me or show interest in me like other women do.

So now... being that I want her to find interests, I do it myself. I work out, jog, joined a rowing club, I am curbing my wine (too much calories and makes my stomach big) and I would like to take some classes.

Your wife may follow your lead. Maybe all she needs is for you to tell her NO.

If none of that works, at least you will be in better shape and will be more attractive to other women when the time come when she does something more stupid that she is doing now.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

doctordepressed said:


> Boundaries are very important. I just don't know how to set them without being confrontational and a wanker. It's hard to find that balance between being too soft and too hard. Finding the right opportunity is also difficult. I need to set them ASAP.


LMAO, you are so beta no matter how hard you try you will not ever be too hard. You need to go all out in the hope that you will push enough. You work and pay all of the bills while she goes out at night a openly tells you that she is with other men. She tells you to your face that you are weak and need to man up as she disrespects you.

Here is a man up plan that lets you take control without having to get her permission. 

1) Stay our late every night. I do not care if you are at work, at a friend, at a bar, or at a movie do not come home from work until late.

2) Take all money out of joint accounts and put them into your name only.

3) Close all joint credit accounts other than home loans.

4) Cut off her money and shop for food once a week.

5) Tell her your are doing this because she is an alcoholic.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

doctordepressed said:


> Dear all,
> I am new to the forum and need some help desperately.*
> My marriage is in turmoil and I am feeling depressed and anxious.*
> Been married for 10 years now and have 2 beautiful children aged 4 and 6. My wife describes me as a fabulous father and a good person and provider.
> ...


She told you to man up and when she tests you, you fail to man up. Manning up is not compatible with you accepting her behavior. Again she asked you to man up. She is wanting you to object in a manly way. She is wanting you to stand up for yourself and not be cuckolded.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

doctordepressed said:


> Boundaries are very important. I just don't know how to set them without being confrontational and a wanker. It's hard to find that balance between being too soft and too hard. Finding the right opportunity is also difficult. I need to set them ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually it is not hard at all. Saying it is hard is making excuses for being weak. Set your boundaries and stick with them. It takes self respect. 

You are not trying to control her. Boundaries are for what you will and will not accept in your marriage. She can choose. If she is not willing to respect you then cut her loose as she is some other man's woman and not yours.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

doctordepressed said:


> I work and my wife keeps home and takes the children to school. She came to the realization about 6 months ago when I was suffering from depression and threatened to leave me then. following psychology and medication I improved and our marriage improved but the drinking escalated. She's always been a bit of a drinker.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is a SAHM with children who are in school. OMG. He works and she is unhappy. Right. 

So he comes home from work and watches the kids while she goes out with her friend to hang out with other men. 

He does this because he does not want to be confrontational. He is a conflict avoider with low self esteem. Dang.

This is why she does not find you attractive. You will not have her back if you are not willing to stand up to her and let her go. There is a very good chance she has been unfaithful already from what you have stated. In fact if not a PA she IS being unfaithful to you now with other men and rubbing your nose in it.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

To be blunt... If the OP has no desire to stand up for himself, then he has no voice to complain about how he is being treated. If he doesn't care, why should she?

OP, wake up.


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## doctordepressed (Jan 8, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> To be blunt... If the OP has no desire to stand up for himself, then he has no voice to complain about how he is being treated. If he doesn't care, why should she?
> 
> OP, wake up.


Again sound advice. I guess that is what she means by attractiveness in a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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