# Confused



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi guys, I literally just signed up for this site, and am in need of some advice, as I don't feel like I can talk to this with anyone for fear of disappointing them. I'll give you guys the (hopefully not-too-long) background.

1. Knew of each other for 13 years; our paths would cross a bit when he was around, because I saw his family probably monthly. Were matched online, and started dating. Three months after our first date, we got engaged. I didn't even realize I'd been proposed to because there was no ring, no getting down on 1 knee, nothing that would signify a proposal. Just a question about me marrying him, which I thought was just a curious question!

2. He wanted to get married the following summer, so we had to start planning right away, as summer was less than a year away. I didn't want a big wedding (destination/elope), he wanted a big blowout. We had a big, expensive blowout, but managed to stay out of debt for it, yay!

3. I had that gut feeling while wedding planning, and again right before walking down the aisle, that I wasn't doing the right thing. At those points though, I thought about all the invitatation that had been sent, deposits that were made, and then there I was in a wedding gown, and I felt like I coulnd't back out then.

4. We've now been married for just over 3 years, and I can honestly say that I'm not super happy. Our first year was utter hell, as we didn't really know each other well, and I had found out that he had just went along with some major things that I wanted, I guess, because he thought it was the right thing to do. I've since found out that he can't make decisions on the fly, and needs time to think about things. But, I would've thought that he would know himself better (he's in his 40s), and know things like how he felt about religion, whether or not he wanted children, etc. 

5. One of those things is children. I've always wanted to adopt, and he jumped on that bandwagon with me right away, neglecting to tell me that he wanted to have his own children someday, which I found out about 5 months after our wedding. At that point, I had zero desire to have a baby (but still wanted to adopt). Now, I'm 38, and would love nothing more than to have a baby, but not with him. There are major mental health issues in both sides of his family, and I'd be scared to bring a child into the world with the potential to have those genes. He also has told me that the only way he'd help me with a baby is if he had absolutely nothing else to do, or nothing going on the following morning (for getting up at night with a baby). He's since recounted this, but I don't really believe him.

6. Which brings me to the point that he's a workaholic who's attached to his cell phone. He's full time temporary at his teaching job of 7 years, and regularly checks his cell for student emails, sometimes while navigating a movie-going crowd at 10 o'clock on a Saturday night. I wouldn't mind so much, but we rarely spend time together because he's always marking, prepping, and spending inordinate amounts of time on the computer. We pretty much eat supper together in front of the TV, finish the show, then meet in bed. 

7. Sex happens once a week, always on the same night, or the morning after, and it's dull. He was a virgin when we met (I was 34; he was 43), and he lived with his Mom, which made things interesting when he wanted me to stay over at "his house". You know what they say about doctors making the worst patients? Well, in this case the teacher made the worst "student". I tried for months to show him what I liked, to tell him when what he was doing downright hurt (which happened often because he didn't understand that if it hurt one day, the same methods would hurt the next time, and the time after that too). It finally ended with me covering up a couple body parts, and didn't allow him to touch me for a well over a year. I've let my barriers and arm blockade down now, but still cringe when he touches me. Intimacies just aren't enjoyable at all.

Okay, that was longer than hoped, but it's the cliffnotes on a lot of issues that I've been experiencing. Can anyone offer any advice? I've been feeling at the end of my rope, and have been considering separating, but don't want to hurt him (his Dad committed suicide after separating from his Mom, and I certainly don't want that to happen to my husband). I also cannot talk to him about anything important such as these issues because we just end up fighting, and I wish I hadn't brought the subject up. Thanks in advance!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You married a 40+ year old virgin and are surprised that he is not into sex with a woman? 

Do you know what he's really doing on the computer and his cell phone? Have you checked the texts on the phone? His computer history? My bet is that he was a heavy, adult-life-long porn habit. 

You rushed into marriage. Generally one should date a person for at least one year before marriage. Then have a one year engagement. That gives time to learn about each other. The two of you did not take the time to do this. It seems that you did not even discuss important things before you married.

So now this is your marriage.

You say that you do not want a baby with him because of mental health issues in his family and you are concerned that they are genetic. 

So instead you want to adopt a child. One thing you need to keep in mind is that when you adopt a child, you get very little info, if any, about their birth family. There is usually a reason that a baby is given up for adoption, often it's that the birth parents have serious problems. 

I have an adopted son who is 27 now. We were lucky as his problems were ones that we were able to work to overcome. Nurture has a lot to do with the person a child grows up to be. If you want to adopt, you need to do a lot of reading on the topic.

If you are not happy in your marriage, and it does not sound like you are, then you might want to seriously look at divorce. Do not be intimidated by the fact that his father committed suicide when his mother left him. If your husband were to follow in his father's footsteps, he is the only one responsible for it. Often people who play mind games uses threads of suicide to keep others hostage. It's a mean game.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey EleGirl, 

Oh no, my husband who wants to have sex; It's me who doesn't want to, as I no longer feel any kind of connection to him.

As for computer habits, I do know that he works on the computer, but he also spends A LOT of time on Facebook, playing sudoku, and reading sports stories. As to his cell, I've never checked his cell, and don't really have a desire to snoop to be honest. I do know that he is most definitely not into porn, as I had suggested watching some a couple years ago to maybe help him with positions and techniques. I lost my virginity at 26, and was clueless. Luckily, I had a well-versed man who was able to show me a thing or two, but I also watched a little soft porn to pick up on some moves. I thought it might help hubs; he's not into doing that, and would rather have me show him. I've tried that; he's just not receptive and doesn't retain information, so I have to show/tell him multiple times. 

I did rush into marriage, and got married for all the wrong reasons, hoping that love would just follow. It hasn't, even though I do care about my husband and his well-being. My feelings for him are more of a roommate variety. We did discuss the important things before marriage, and in fact, due to my age, I brought them up on date #1, and continued to bring them up during our dating and engagement, and he always was on the same page as me. If he felt differently, and couldn't pinpoint how exactly he felt, he should've told me that, and we could've figured it out. I certainly wouldn'tve said "yes" until we got it figured out!

Schizophrenia, psychoses, bipolar, manic depressive and suicide, yes, I'm concerned that a baby would inherit some of those genes, and I do realize that adoption is just as much of a risk, but have looked into different avenues in taking this step. And yes, I would feel responsible if he decided to follow in his Dad's footsteps, and I'm pretty sure that his family would also blame me. Thankfully, this is one mind game he hasn't played; it's just a worry of mine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ursula said:


> Hey EleGirl,
> 
> Oh no, my husband who wants to have sex; It's me who doesn't want to, as I no longer feel any kind of connection to him.
> 
> ...


You need to really work on this idea that you have that you would feel guilty if your husband committed suicide. It would not be your fault and you should not let that though influence your actions and choices.

Yea, with that kind of mental health family history, I agree that you are wise to not have a child with him. I have two great nephews who suffer from the issues that you list. Their father (my nephew) married a woman whose family's mental health history is similar to your husband's. It's been horrible to watch my two great nephews descend into schizophrenia, psychoses & bipolar as young adults.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm looking into therapists where I live, and found one that sounds really good. Unfortunately, she's not taking new clients until end of January, so will look at making some appointments then.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like you checked out, it's not going to get any better. If I was you, I'd divorce. No kids? This is easy, just a simple business transaction. Next time don't get hitched with a 40 year old virgin who lives with his mother after dating for just a month. Life is about learning from your mistakes, so I doubt you'll make this same mistake again.

Again, no kids... you have no idea how easy you have it. Most of us here are divorced with very young kids. Divorce isn't the end of the world... it's a new start. It means enjoying your life again and looking towards the future. My divorce this past year cost me over $100K and will set me back in retiring. I'll pay over $6k a year in child support for the next 14 years. But it was worth every damn penny. I'm 35 and still have the prime years of my life in front of me.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Sounds like you checked out, it's not going to get any better. If I was you, I'd divorce. No kids? This is easy, just a simple business transaction. Next time don't get hitched with a 40 year old virgin who lives with his mother after dating for just a month. Life is about learning from your mistakes, so I doubt you'll make this same mistake again.
> 
> Again, no kids... you have no idea how easy you have it. Most of us here are divorced with very young kids. Divorce isn't the end of the world... it's a new start. It means enjoying your life again and looking towards the future. My divorce this past year cost me over $100K and will set me back in retiring. I'll pay over $6k a year in child support for the next 14 years. But it was worth every damn penny. I'm 35 and still have the prime years of my life in front of me.


Honestly, I think I checked out a long time ago. We have no kids, which is really lucky, and one of the reasons that I'd like to find someone who's more on the same page. We didn't date for one month; it was three, and we knew each other for 13 years prior to that, however, not in a "romantic" capacity. And you're right, I have no idea how easy I have it; the thought of being the first in my family to divorce makes me physically ill, but so does the thought of continuing to settle. You're also right in way that I'd never be making this mistake again!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I think you'll find a lot of people that don't divorce are miserable. They are married for convenience (money, kids, hosue, etc). Or they are married because of religious purposes. If you dig down, you'll find a lot of them sleep in different bedrooms and haven't had sex for decades. It's your life and you only get one shot. Don't waste it in a marriage you aren't happy in. It's not fair to both of you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to end this. There is no real love here. A 43 year old virgin?? Of COURSE the sex is going to be sucky! And as far as the porn is concerned...I GUARANTEE YOU he has a big time porn habit! When you suggested it, he refused, because he doesnt want to share that with you... porn is HIS thing, his lifelong habit that kept him from being with a woman before you. 

You cannot worry about how you leaving would affect him, sorry to say. This is about YOU. You have to be selfish, this is the one shot you get at life, and he doesnt sound worthy of being in yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You married a guy who gets MOST of his needs met through his students and his hobbies. You fill the REST of his needs (mother, cook, occasional sex), and he is content.

But he never was raised to understand what a marriage really looks like. Without real, long-term therapy, he never will.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Hi guys, I literally just signed up for this site, and am in need of some advice, as I don't feel like I can talk to this with anyone for fear of disappointing them. I'll give you guys the (hopefully not-too-long) background.
> 
> 1. Knew of each other for 13 years; our paths would cross a bit when he was around, because I saw his family probably monthly. Were matched online, and started dating. Three months after our first date, we got engaged. I didn't even realize I'd been proposed to because there was no ring, no getting down on 1 knee, nothing that would signify a proposal. Just a question about me marrying him, which I thought was just a curious question!
> 
> ...


You obviously have no feelings for the guy, think very poorly of him and his skill at sex. I'd just divorce and save you both a lot of heartache.

But what you've described about the man isn't that bad to me. We are missing important details about him, and why you chose such a man to marry so quickly.
And I think it's wrong to totally accuse him of a porn addiction. OP has mentioned nothing about it, not even a suspicion. He may just be an odd guy.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> You married a guy who gets MOST of his needs met through his students and his hobbies. You fill the REST of his needs (mother, cook, occasional sex), and he is content.
> 
> But he never was raised to understand what a marriage really looks like. Without real, long-term therapy, he never will.


His mother is still supporting her 40+ year old man-child... I think it's kind of clear what he think marriage will be... he just isn't capable of being an adult in one. And by the sounds of it, neither is she.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP it sounds like the only reason you are staying married is because of some sort of self assigned obligation to the marriage. Honestly that sounds like why you married in the first place, you saw the red flags and had reservations but married anyway because the process was already moving along (I was guilty of that myself sadly). 

You are not happy and haven't been since the beginning, now is the time to make a change. You can have a very happy and fulfilling life as a single person, and you can adopt the child you want. Someone on this site has a quote at the bottom of their page that states something like this "life is to short to spend it with someone who sucks the joy out of it". I love that quote and OP you need to live by that quote. You are not obligated to live your mistake forever, live to life you want. Look at the annulment process, cheap and easy if both parties are in agreement.

And please...do NOT give in and have a child with this guy, that will fix nothing and tie you to him forever.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cooper said:


> OP it sounds like the only reason you are staying married is because of some sort of self assigned obligation to the marriage. Honestly that sounds like why you married in the first place, you saw the red flags and had reservations but married anyway because the process was already moving along (I was guilty of that myself sadly).
> 
> You are not happy and haven't been since the beginning, now is the time to make a *change. You can have a very happy and fulfilling life as a single person, and you can adopt the child you want. Someone on this site has a quote at the bottom of their page that states something like this "life is to short to spend it with someone who sucks the joy out of it". I love that quote and OP you need to live by that quote. You are not obligated to live your mistake forever, live to life you want. * Look at the annulment process, cheap and easy if both parties are in agreement.
> 
> And please...do NOT give in and have a child with this guy, that will fix nothing and tie you to him forever.


That's mine!  It is TRUTH!


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