# What happens next?



## SR1971 (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi all, I'm new to all this so would appreciate any help and support. My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for 8. There is a 10 year age gap between us - when we started going out she was 18 and I was 28. 

Anyway, we kind of knew each other vaguely before we started going out as she worked in the local sports centre I attended. After a random meeting in a club one Saturday night, the relationship started off casual, a bit of a slow burner as I worked away at the time. It grew over the space of a few months to the point we were inseperable (at least when I was home anyway). We were great together, enjoyed doing the same hobbies, sports etc. The following year I bought a house and she moved in.

After a number of months she got a new job, better money, but I soon noticed that even though I didn't ask anything from her, she could never make her wages last. I lent her one of my credit cards that I never used to help her out for emergencies and she soon racked up a 3 grand debt on it. I bailed her out and tried to help her manage her money, but it was always hard in this respect. I just thought that maybe she was just young and would get better with money as time went by.

Anyway, we ended up getting married and things were going great. We got joint accounts and all that and it wasn’t long before I noticed that I never had any money left after paying all the bills. God knows where her money went.

To cut a very long story short, I got to the root cause of the problem, although it took more than a few heated arguments and detective work to finally suss it out. Gambling. Turns out it runs in her Dad’s side of her family.

It would seem that for years she had been hiding the fact she had a gambling problem and regulary went to the local “amusement” arcade either on her lunch hour or before/after work. Things got worse after our daughter was born. Too much free time and too easy access to our finances left me at the mercy of these bloody machines. Debts mounted, we re-mortgaged and the cycle would start again. I started up a business on the internet to keep her busy and bring in extra money, but some way down the line I discovered she used to sell stock to friends and family on the side for cash – you can guess where that went. I finally would the business up.

The net result was that I had to take complete control of the finances. She didn’t really like that but agreed it needed to be done. Fortunately I am pretty well paid so things finally started to head in the right direction. That was until the recession took hold and I had to take employment away from home. I was only supposed to be away for a couple of months, getting home every weekend, but as things got worse in my industry, two months turned into two years. During this time, she discovered internet gambling. To make matters worse, the accounts were linked to our bank accounts that allowed her to play even when there was no money in the account. To be honest, I think these companies are a disgrace. Eventually I paid for some clever software to block such sites from our computers.

On top of all this she doesn’t really do a lot round the house either, I do most of the housework – I have to or it doesn’t get done. I do all the jobs, fixing cars, home improvements etc. We also have a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner and child minder, so life is pretty comfy for her. I’ve heard many people say how lucky she is etc etc, but in recent years she acts like it is never good enough. I get on well with her Mam and have asked advice on a few issues like gambling and she admitted that was the reason she split with my wife’s Dad.

Throughout it all though, we still got on really well and had a very active sex life, which to an extent, helped immensely!

However, in the last 6 months, things took a downturn. She got a promotion at work so she is now office based. There is a lot more pressure on her now to be fair. Our sex life has dropped off a cliff, indeed it’s been 2 months now which is by far the longest period of absistence in our whole relationship. She has now given me the old “I love you but……” line. Needs space……

She is looking for a flat. I’ve agreed to help. My first instinct was to say no, lets work it out etc. But working away has given me time to think. Thing is I’m beginning to think my life will be a whole lot easier once she is gone. No more worrying about finances. No coming back home on a Friday to a sink full of dishes (the dishwasher still full of clean items from the previous Sunday when I did it). No more thinking that I’m to blame for everything that has gone wrong.

On the whole, I genuinely believe I’ve been a good husband. I realise that I have been partly to blame by enabling her behaviour. I have my faults, don’t we all, but I’ve provided a very comfortable lifestyle and asked for/received very little in return. I’ve never been unfaithful and always told her I loved her etc.

She has started ordering stuff for the flat and when we were talking about it she started to cry. Now I’m confused……does she want to go or stay or what? She wont open up. I don’t know where we go from here, but our 6 year old little girl is about to be devastated. It breaks my heart to know how upset she is about to be.

Can anyone offer any thoughts or advice please? Many thanks, Sean


----------



## SR1971 (Jan 22, 2011)

Well I'm a little disappointed.....can anyone offer any advice? She got the keys to the flat on Friday and has spent most of the weekend over there sorting stuff out while I stay home and make excuses to our daughter.... 

I'm full of a mixture of anger and sadness and don't have an outlet in which to channel it. I've just shouted at my little princess for asking for sweets (again) and now I feel really bad....


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, I honestly don't see how you can have a life together. She has got to choose--either you and your child or the gambling. Sounds to me as though she is content to keep the gambling. I'm wondering how that will work out when you aren't there to bail her out.

I wish you well.


----------



## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Since she got the promotion, has the gambling dropped off? Is it still an issue?


----------



## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Regardless of what happens between the two of you, regardless of how bad you may feel, your topmost priority must be your little girl. She is the innocent bystander in all of this. Try to be extra understanding with her. And show her you love her above all else. That none of this is her fault.

About your wife's gambling. That's an addiction, just like alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. She needs to want to change, and then get professional help (a therapist is easier, or a support group, similar to AA). But she must want to change.

Some here will tell you that the 'I am not in love with you...' + No sex + I want to move out, are usual signs of infidelity. 

If you don't have anybody to talk to, go see an individual counselor/therapist. It will help you deal with the jumble of emotions you may be feeling right now. And it may help you be better armed to take care of your daughter in this time of upheaval and change for her.


----------



## SR1971 (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi again, thanks for the replies. It perked me up a bit 

Anyway, to answer some of the points above, she no longer gambles.....at least not much anyway. Mainly since she is prevented from doing so because she works so much now and I've blocked the computers at home. Its a step in the right direction, but I can't help feeling its only a temporary stop gap.
However, things have taken a more sinister twist.

Yesterday I noticed that the mobile phone bill was over £100. Its normally about £43. I went through the itemisation and phoned my wife - since I'm away at work. The cost comes down to excessive texting - to my best mate!

For the past three months, they have exchanged literally hundreds of texts and sometimes (looking at the bill) whilst we have all been in the same room at the same time!

WTF?

I phoned my mate and he said he'd been meaning to have a chat to me about it......yeh right. My wife swears that it was just chit chat. I dont buy it and I'm going skiing with my mate next week (and six others). She said she had been discussing our problems and so had he (with his relationship). This would explain her withdrawal from me. I think she's already checked out of our marriage now. I think I'm done with all this crap.

Any thoughts? Thanks.


----------



## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

What a crazy discovery! She obviously didn't go through much trouble to hide it from you. Is she taking the stand that it was totally innocent? Does your friend? 

Are you more angry with your friend, or with your wife?

Are you still going on the trip?


----------



## SR1971 (Jan 22, 2011)

Well I believe some attempt was made to hide this was going on. Decembers itemised bill mysteriously disappeared and that was £66. No matter though, I'm going to contact my network about it.

Of course if I check her phone now, everything will be deleted I'm sure, then I'll be made to feel guilty, I just know it. I got my new phone last September and every single text and message is on there, as I have nothing to hide, even though she has recently accused me of having an affair. Honest, you couldn't make this up. I think she has just been treating me badly as her way of getting me to end the relationship. Maybe she feels better that way. I just dont know.....

She has had problems in childhood, that much has emerged recently, with with an alcoholic and abusive father. Maybe it all goes back to that?


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like she wants out of this marriage, and so she tried to "bad guy" you by accusing you of an affair, but it didn't work, so she's starting a sham affair of her own. She WANTS you to kick her out.


----------

