# I've made a mess of things...



## [email protected] (Feb 16, 2013)

Ok, this is really really long.. I don't know if I'm writing it all out to get it all off my chest or to get advice, but if anyone actually takes the time to read and respond to this, know that it is greatly appreciated..

My husband and I have been best friends for 6 years (high school sweethearts) and married for 3... we are both young, 23 years old... I guess you could say we rushed into things but it all felt so right.. in that moment. I've always been conservative, shy and introverted.. due to my upbringing but also to my disability (mild cerebral palsy), that has played a big role in my social anxiety/low self-esteem..

When I met him, his personality seemed to just "click" with mine, he was the strong, silent type... also kind of shy and introverted, liked reading books, playing video games, etc.. nothing too extreme or outdoorsy..

After high school, I went off to college and he shipped off to Marine Corps. bootcamp, we dated for a while, he asked me to marry him, I said yes... best friends in love, dream come true, yada yada yada.. We were Married in April of 2010... a month before I received my AA degree and decided to take a break from school.


I know I'm not the perfect woman, and certainly haven't been the perfect wife... I've been controlling.. and insecure due to my low self-esteem and disability. I was depressed for awhile at the beginning of our marriage.. didn't want to leave the house or go out, neglected housework, cooking, etc.. and my libido was almost non-existent.. but I tried to support him in other things.. as much as I could.. school, his career, etc... And sought help (counseling) to pull myself out of my depression.

We had our fights.. nothing we couldn't handle, he'd yell, punch walls, slam doors.. Overtime he became increasingly irritable, and shortly after we married, I found out he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a child, but he said he hadn't been medicated since he was a kid because it was nothing he "couldn't handle."

He has always been a good provider and looked out for me, he started working at walmart before we got married, then some better opportunities came along and now he's working full-time for an aerospace company as an assembler, decent paying job, good benefits.. 

but with each job change, raise, or promotion, I couldn't help but notice a change in attitude in him; he became more arrogant, irritable, withdrawn from my family, self-entitled, etc..

He started working for this aerospace company in september of 2012, right around the time I was pulling myself out of my depression, and started my home business..

In january of this year he started doing a lot of "overtime," stopped calling me during lunch or break, and a string of other behaviors that I guess should have been red flags but I never thought much of.. I asked him why he didn't call me during lunch anymore, he'd just say he was "hanging out with his buddies" and I shrugged it off, I trusted him fully..

We were living with my parents, and my dad started pointing out other things, like how all of a sudden he started working out, drinking protein shakes.. I was defensive and told him to mind his own business.. 

Sometime in Feb. We were having a late-night dinner at dennys (he worked nights at the time) and he just seemed off somehow. .. I asked him if anything was on his mind and he started talking about how he was so young, and his brothers (who are around his age) get to "enjoy their freedom" while he had to deal with all this responsibility (marriage, working full time, going to school full time and being in the military- marine corps. reserve). I told him that it was understandable that he felt that way, and that maybe he should cut back on some classes or stop going to school if he felt the stress was too much..

Somehow that conversation turned into "maybe I just need some space.. we should take a short break... sometime off..." My heart sunk and my eyes began to well up with tears.. As he saw this.. the expression on his face completely changed.. he came around the table and sat next to me, and held me.. "nevermind.. forget I mentioned it.. I could never see myself without you" he said.

I sighed in relief, but for the next couple of days I couldn't get that conversation out of my head... something in me just couldn't let it go.. so I started to dig, and for the first time.. looked at his phone bill/records online.. and sure enough.. there it was.. A massive amount of calls to and from an unfamiliar phone number.. it was a 951 area code so I figured it was close to where he worked, maybe a co-worker..

He was at his weekend drill at the time that I stumbled across all this. I texted him asking him who's number it was, he said it was one of his supervisors from work (a man).. I told him that was an awful lot of calls to and from his supervisor.. on weekends... and in the middle of the night (the hours he was "working overtime") he immediately became defensive and replied with "I'M TIRED OF YOUR BULL**** AND YOUR JEALOUSY... PACK MY **** CUZ I'M LEAVING AS SOON AS I GET HOME FROM DRILL."

He got home sunday night and changed his story, he then said it was an "older lady from work" (33 yrs old) whom he had been talking to because she was 'planning on getting a divorce' and he (my husband) was "trying to talk her out of it," I know I was getting closer to the truth but he was still lying and minimizing things (as cheaters often do)...

We immediately went into MC... He admitted to "having feelings" for this OW and he said they would "vent" to eachother about their spouses, and she was just "someone to talk to whom he had a lot in common with" but stuck with his story about it being just a texting/calling thing (in other words an EA)...

I was devastated, felt cheated on and lied to.. but he said he didn't see what the big deal was because they never did anything with her physically.. As time went by, my gut just kept telling me there was more..

So I kept digging.. found a "hidden text messaging app" on his phone called "hide it pro" (disguised as "audio manager") cracked the password.. and there they were.. all the text messages, I'd uncovered the truth.. finally the whole truth.. they met up every day for lunch.. and after work while he was supposedly working overtime... this went on for about 2 weeks before I found out about it... they had sex in the parking lot of a bar in her HUSBAND'S car after work (right before he went up to his weekend drill and I discovered her phone number on his call logs).

I found these texts in the middle of the night, the last text to her was him saying something like "I'm sorry but I can't talk to you anymore, my wife and I are trying to make things work" (this text was sent a few days after we started MC)

I woke him up, confronted him about it.. he was apologetic.. he asked "what he could do to make things right" but I couldn't stand the sight of him so I kicked him out.. he packed his things and moved back into his mom's house.

I told him we could see each other once a week for marriage counseling, that was the best I could do at the time.. I exposed the affair to the OW's husband, even had my husband on the other line on three-way to explain to him how/where it all happened... The OW denied all of it, and her husband didn't believe our story despite all the excruciating details my husband gave him (what the inside of his car looked like, what was in there, etc, etc..)..

During our initial separation, my husband seemed willing enough to work things out, but he blamed his affair on me, he said "we weren't having enough sex" I "didn't give him enough attention" I was "too focused on my business, on the computer all the time, etc..."

Part of me believed he was right, and we started seeing each other more and more, even though we were separated, we really couldn't go more then a couple of days without seeing each other... he'd come over to my place.. sometimes we'd argue, some times we'd have sex, then i'd tell him to leave.. he'd come back.. this went on for about 3 months after the discovery (him coming and going, us having sex, then arguing, etc..).. his attitude began to change after awhile.. he went from apologetic and humble to arrogant, cold and uncaring, blaming the affair entirely on me.. he sold his car, bought a bike and a leather jacket.. started smoking and drinking..

Things were so messed up after DDay, I didn't really know what to think or how to react.. I was disgusted with myself for having sex with him everytime I'd see him, I still loved him.. but I didn't like the person he was becoming... at the same time.. I was so afraid of being alone and so desperate to save my marriage...

Sometime in march we were arguing over his affair and he told me I needed to just "get over it" and that if "I would have had more sex with him, he wouldn't have cheated." I was so angry, so hurt by his words and his coldness that i very STUPIDLY blurted out "yeah well I cheated on you too" (it never happened), I don't know why I said it, I guess I just wanted him to feel my pain.. It was stupid and immature I know..

But It gave him an advantage, not I couldn't tell him anything because in his eyes, and "as far as he knew" I had done the same thing to him.. I was tired of the drama and the arguing.. he came back home and I was committed to "being a better wife" I cleaned, I cooked, our sex life was great.. but I still couldn't get over it, I couldn't trust him, I was always digging for stuff and became increasingly more controling.. the OW got fired from her job a few months ago, for sleeping with a supervisor, at least that's what my husband tells me.. I don't really know for sure.. but now that everyone in my family, his family, his circle of friends and even his work place knows what went on, I doubt she'd continue to see him.. especially after how furious she was about him exposing the affair to her husband.. she even went to HR and claimed my husband was "harassing her and making up stories.."

The OW is the least of my worries now.. shortly after my husband came back home I found massive amounts of porn on his phone, and I found that he had been going on a chatting app on his phone, looking for women to talk to, giving them his number so he could text them... most of them were on the other side of the country, or the other side of the world.. some barely spoke english, others 15 year old girls. he said he was just "lonely" and needed "someone to talk to" I was devastated... but again, tried to move past it.. He has changed his phone number multiple times over the course of 9 months (since the initial affair)..

So anyway, he moved back in, I found out he has been chatting with/texting random women from that chatting app over the course of our 3 month "break".. none that he ever met in person but they were EAs nonetheless.. things were really tense between us.. if ever I tried to bring up his PA or his EAs, his comeback was "you're a cheater too, you did the same thing, etc etc.." he became increasingly angry and irritable.. and his smoking habit got worse... we continued to attend individual/couple's therapy.. Early june (shortly after he came back home) I found out I was pregnant (our first child)... he was thrilled because he's been wanting a kid for a while now.. i was scared because it seemed like the worst possible time to get pregnant.. but not I was even more committed to working things out with my husband, for the sake of our son..

The shrink said it seemed like his bipolar disorder was spiraling out of control and that he might need to go back on medication to regulate his mood swings/manic episodes, that might explain his sudden changes in mood, irritability, impulsive behavior etc.. and that he might also have a sex addiction... he was referred to 2 psychiatrists for a diagnosis..

Fast-forward to now.. things became very tense between us.. he always seemed angry, at me or at himself.. never wanting to do anything, around the house, or to do anything with me at all.. but if his siblings or his friends wanted/needed something, he'd jump right to it.. he became hostile toward me and my family.. it was like living with a stranger.. I felt like I was always "walking on eggshells" when he was around.. couldn't say anything to him because he'd snap... while all of this was going on, he was in-between therapists/psychiatrists, getting diagnosed, so I was trying to be patient.. trying to maintain my sanity.. It was kind of hard to deal with all of this going on around me, and being pregnant with my first child, scared, hormonal, we were driving eachother insane..

last month I had finally had enough and told him that if he was going to continue to act this way, that he should just go to his mom's house..

we had a big fight, he packed his things and left.. we agreed on a 1 month "break"... spoke occasionally through texts, about finances, doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, etc...

2 weeks ago I find out he's been using this "break" to act single, go to bars, clubs, go out drinking, he had a secondary e-mail account, has been replying to "casual encounter" and "sex" ads on craigslist trying to meet women.. made a profile on the dating site "plenty of fish" in which he claimed he was "single" and that his "last relationship didn't end too well" that he was a marine, had been deployed (he has never been deployed), and a whole bunch of other lies.. he had given his number out to a few of the women he met on this site and has been texting them/exchanging emails etc..

It's only been 9 months since the inital affair (supposedly his only PA) and things have gotten so much worse, and spiraled so out of control that I don't even feel the shock of it anymore.. I was devastated again, after I found his dating profile.. how could he do all this with his pregnant wife sitting at home? But at the same time I guess I should have expected it.. when I confronted him he said he "didn't know why he cheats or why he lies.." he said he "knows he has a problem.. he always needs attention, can't be alone, it's an adrenaline rush, an addiction, he wants to get help etc etc.."

I am so tired of all the bull****, all the drama and the lies ... I think I'm beginning to feel numb... and his lies.. I know when he's lying already, I know what comes next, it's all so predictable.. now I'm contemplating filing for divorce.. pregnant with my first child.. he's staying in out guest house (so pretty much in my backyard) and I'm sitting here writing out our story in the middle of the night, hoping it'll make me feel better.. not sure where to go from here... He is supposed to start on mood stabilizers and EMDR therapy sometime next week, but is it even worth waiting for? He is just so far from the man I married now, that I doubt mood stabilizers will make a difference.. I should probably just kick him out and tell him I never want to see him again, but I'd have to see him eventually anyway, our son will be born in Feb.. He swears that now he's 
"really" gonna try, for the "sake of our little family" but it didn't matter to him before, so why would it now?

Please excuse any typos or misspellings, this is really really long and I'm probably just going to go to sleep right after I post it..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You aren't the problem he is. Being married to someone who is mentally ill is a challenge. But one who will not take their medication? A nightmare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

yes apparently, he is not commited, the only mistake was trying to hurt him by telling him about an affair that never happened, but it looks like you are the one doing the heavy lifting, when he is the cheater who have to do the hard work.

IC for him and and MC for the both of you would be an option.


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