# Not sure what is going on or what to think



## JPL2121 (Dec 7, 2021)

So about 2 months ago, my wife seemed really distant after we went out and had a great time together. When I confronted her about it, she told me that she needed space. Like most men (my assumption) I did not give her space and wanted to all of a sudden talk to her all the time and "fix" the problems. As I kept pushing, obviously she pulled away and started telling me she was not in love with me anymore, wanted a divorce, and told me if she could leave, she would. 

Background: She has been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, partly due to the fact we have a special needs child that was not really able to be in day care and we had not planned on putting him in school either. We have not slept in the same bed in about a year, which started when I hurt my back and our bed really hurt my back, so I started sleeping in a recliner and we just got used to that dynamic. We still had sex occasionally, usually a quickie since we have 3 kids. She would go off in our bedroom every night once the kids wound down. We still live together to this day.

Background on her: She deals with pretty bad depression and anxiety and has not been on medication in 3 years. She just started about a week ago. 

She was telling me she felt stuck, she felt scared that she couldn't provide for herself and that she was too co-dependent on me, and she didn't like that.
She did not like that I hated one of her friends and I never wanted her to go hang out with her. My wife had sat and told me how her "Friend" talked **** about her, how she was selfish and a narcissist.
after a couple of weeks of me begging and pleading, I took a step back, started taking care of myself. I began only talking to her on an as needed basis. One day she texted me and said, "We should talk tonight" I asked her "What do you want to talk about" and she replied "Anything, this is awkward".
So, we talked that night and had a decent conversation about things. The next night, we talked again, and it was not a great conversation.

So, the last two weeks have been pretty ok. We have been having sex more, we sit outside and have a few beers damn near every night for the past couple of weeks. We went out last Friday night, had a great time, and got a hotel room. She has been hanging out in the living room, watching tv with me at night before we go outside, things seem pretty decent. 
She still says she isn't in love with me anymore, but she says she is still attracted to me, she says she has a great time with me, she doesn't want me to be with another woman and she tells me I am her best friend. Saturday, we took the kids to the store to get Christmas ornaments, she picked up an "L" ornament (last name) and said we need a new one. I asked her if she wanted to get a family ornament this year, which was something we have done every year since we had our first son and she said yes. 

The other night she said she was enjoying this with me right now and she didn't know what was going to happen. To me it feels like we are reconnecting, but I can't help but feel she does not feel the same way. She says things like "My room" or when i call her honey she corrects me to her name.
She went to, what was supposed to be a girl's sleepover for her "Friend" and it wound up being the girls and their husbands. My wife got extra drunk and apparently started making out with her "friend" and sat on her "friends" boyfriends' lap. He friend's boyfriend messaged her on Facebook the next afternoon asking her "were you serious about the threesome" obviously my wife said no, but this REALLY bothers me.
She became, what I felt like was secretive with her phone, and she does little things like started leaving it out when she leaves the room. she doesn't correct me ALL the time when i call her honey and started calling our room "the bedroom" but she seems to go back and forth. She says she just wants to start working, we had planned on going to couples therapy, and last night she tells me she doesn't think we need it, that we have done a pretty good job at working out our issues. 
She has also told me that some of the things she has said that hurt me, was so that I would leave her alone.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me I am not crazy for thinking that things are trending in the right direction. Thanks


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s already cheated or she’s getting ready to cheat. Time for you to talk to a lawyer and it’s also time you got your back fixed.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I didn’t have to get to your last two paragraphs to tell you what is going on. Sadly, it didn’t surprise me when I got to that part in your story.

many here with much better knowledge than me will help you. They will let you know what you need to do in order to gather information so that you know the truth of what your wife is doing with others - and it certainly sounds like she is cheating. You were right to be concerned about her friend and it seems like this friend is whispering in her ear to live a more “free” life style.


----------



## JPL2121 (Dec 7, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I didn’t have to get to your last two paragraphs to tell you what is going on. Sadly, it didn’t surprise me when I got to that part in your story.
> 
> many here with much better knowledge than me will help you. They will let you know what you need to do in order to gather information so that you know the truth of what your wife is doing with others - and it certainly sounds like she is cheating. You were right to be concerned about her friend and it seems like this friend is whispering in her ear to live a more “free” life style.


She is the one who told me about what happened at this party. I honestly have no issue with her kissing her friend that is a female. I did have an issue with her sitting on the other dudes lap, and I had a major issue that he thought it was ok to message her that. 
Again, she is the one who told me, she showed me the message he sent her, and answered any questions i had about this night ie. where were his hands, etc.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

JPL2121 said:


> She is the one who told me about what happened at this party. I honestly have no issue with her kissing her friend that is a female. I did have an issue with her sitting on the other dudes lap, and I had a major issue that he thought it was ok to message her that.
> Again, she is the one who told me, she showed me the message he sent her, and answered any questions i had about this night ie. where were his hands, etc.


Here's how I would take that:

Your wife is trying to hold onto your trust and not make you suspicious. Personally, I think she told you that information to make herself look trustworthy. Like, she will tell you everything that is going on. So maybe if you know about this "little stuff" it will be easier for her to hide the big stuff. 

That is just my opinion though. You will obviously know your wife and know her tendencies.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@JPL2121 this is the time that you need to pull the 180 on your wife!
You're acting like you're the one chasing her commitment, while she should be the one doing it!
Why? Because: Women are the gatekeepers for sexual intimacy and men are the gatekeepers for commitment! This is the case since the dawn of time!
When things are flipped around you get relationships that's dysfunctional and unbalanced, where men become thirsty Simps with zero dignity! (they become completely unattractive)

@JPL2121 you said:


JPL2121 said:


> after a couple of weeks of me begging and pleading, I took a step back, started taking care of myself. I began only talking to her on an as needed basis. One day she texted me and said, "We should talk tonight" I asked her "What do you want to talk about" and she replied "Anything, this is awkward".


Did you notice what happened when you pulled away your attention and commitment? You kind of did the 180, and she started to freak out and chase you to feel secure in the relationship and not losing you (hence the sex), when she knew you are still there and not going anywhere THEN she got more comfortable and got drunk and started making out with her "friend" and sat on her "friends" boyfriends' lap who wanted a threesome!

*It seems that your biggest problem is that you have no boundaries!
A recipe for disaster!*

Did you tell her no more drinking without your presence?
You need to set up your boundaries, it's a list of *deal breakers* for you, and they are *not negotiable*, she either accept them or you are out!
If she crossed them, you are out!

It's time to treat your marriage like a CEO in crises, a CEO will not hesitate to fire half of the company's employees in order to save what's left, it's painful but they have to do it in order to survive!

If she doesn't want you, and she is willing to stab you in the back by betraying you, then you need to protect yourself, do not beg her or plead with her!
Knowledge is power, talk to a lawyer just to get an idea how divorce looks like, so if it goes to that rout you are prepared and have a plan, but if you don't have the courage to do that, then no one in this world can help you!
Remember, men who know what they want, and have a plan are the ones who are successful and become very attractive!
Start the 180 read about it here!

Also remember, people can only disrespect you if you allow them to!
Do not beg nor plead, and do not chase her and pine after her, you are the gatekeeper for this marriage and commitment!
You have built this family with your hard work, commitment and resources, just to see another man to get a piece of it for free?!
Buddy, don't pay the full price for something that another man can get for free!


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I have to say one thing. You are making it easy for her to walk all over you.
You need to read Glover's book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and fully implement it into your life.
You need to go on Offense, set the standards for your relationship, and hold her accountable.
First thing, go buy yourself a new mattress that doesn't hurt your back, and move back in your bedroom. Sleeping in a recliner for a full year sets a tone, and it is not a positive one.
She tells you that she is not in love with you? Tell her that that's fine, you will go out and find a woman that wants to be with you and that loves you. Let her think that she can be replaced. If that doesn't shake her, either file for divorce or pull some paperwork from the net for your area and start filling it out in front of her.
I agree with the 180. Cold but civil is the tone you want to set. use that time to your advantage to decide what you want. Get yourself a new haircut, some new clothes, start going to the Gym, find a new group of friends to spend time with. Let her see this transformation.
You set standards for your relationship. These boundaries are not to be crossed and are not negotiable. She learns them and lives them or you are done. They should be reasonable. Two which come to mind would be that she makes out with no one but you, and that the only mans lap she better be sitting in is yours.
You need to deal with the toxic friend. I'll bet that she is a major part of your problem. Why does your wife want a friend that talks s**t about her? This whole scenario makes no sense. Either she is cheating on you, wants to cheat on you or is just gaslighting you for excrement and laughter.
What is the deal with this slumber party thing? How come she was the only singleton there? Why were you not at least asked if you wanted to attend? Why was she so shady about not disclosing that it was coed? Why did she feel the need to get plastered? Was this so she could have a defense? You need to get the s**t sorted and get to the bottom on this? She is offering a threesome? How do you know that that didn't happen? You should insist that she haul her azz down to the local health department for a STD panel, and provide you with the results. This whole thing is as disrespectful as hell, and you ought not be tolerating it. If you know any of the men there, you need to be having some sidebar conversations with them. Something doesn't smell well about this whole debacle.
The friend probably needs to go. It may come down to a binary choice for her: the friend or you. If she chooses the friend, obviously you know how much she values you and the family.
She needs to be held accountable for her actions.She should be taking steps to establish trust with you (beyond her token attempt.) All devices should be available to you at all times, and she needs to curtail her drinking and take proper steps (including therapy) to deal with her depression. You should be in therapy as well, and perhaps later on some MC as well.
You need to get on this before it is too late (if it isn't already.)


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your wife truly is trapped where she can't make the life changes she'd like to. I'm glad she at least thinks of you as her best friend, especially since you won't let her have her actual best friend, which isn't right. She needs any outlets she can get, even if they aren't perfect. To act like the friend has so much power over her is insulting, because your wife has her own functioning brain and can sort that out for herself. She needs friends and it's hard to have them when you're stuck like she is. 

If she and you are still calling what you have a commitment in marriage, then of course, her cheating is going to blow the whole thing up. I just get the idea she's so frantic to have outside interaction that she goes a little nuts or drinks too much because of being pent up all the time. She obviously acts out when drinking. I'm sure she does wish she could be young and carefree and unattached again on some level, but she can't. I don't guess she ever can. 

I do think it's more of an option for her than she does, though. I doubt she realizes you would have 50/50 custody, and that would give her some time off to work and socialize. I doubt she realizes that, but then I don't know where you live. Maybe not. 

She can't just start dating while being married to you, though. If she really sees you as her best friend, she won't do that to you, though when drunk, I guess her impulses are trying to take over, so I would watch that. But she does need to have some life beyond just taking care of the child. Another hobby would be better, obviously, than drinking and hanging out.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JPL2121 She possibly gave you that information in a sanitised form before someone else gave you the real details of what happened.

Lawyer up to protect you and your child.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A few thoughts. Your W may feel she needs emotional distance from you as she thinks she may want a divorce.

Your doing things with her and making her feel close to you again, may have been a monkey wrench in her keeping her emotional distance. You might think about her near affair actions from two perspectives. One is a cry for help. That is an act that requires an intervention on your part. An alternate explanation might be that she is sabotaging her marriage subconsciously by her behavior because her conscious self does not have the courage to end the marriage. She may subconsciously want you to end the marriage and allow her to claim at being the victim.

I totally agree with the recommendation to read Glover's book NMMNG. Women are also capable of making covert contracts.

Since you have a special needs child to think about, you might want to see about some kind of counseling in the hopes that she is seeking an intervention. 

Good luck.


----------



## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Where were his hands? What were the consequences for her actions?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

JPL2121 said:


> She went to, what was supposed to be a girl's sleepover for her "Friend" and it wound up being the girls and their husbands. My wife got extra drunk and apparently started making out with her "friend" and sat on her "friends" boyfriends' lap. He friend's boyfriend messaged her on Facebook the next afternoon asking her "were you serious about the threesome" obviously my wife said no, but this REALLY bothers me.


So in other words, this was a couple's date night (more like an orgy night) only she was the single female,,,,, which means she likely knew this was going to be mixed party but intentionally left you out of it. 

Then she was having contact with another women which she openly admits to and also had contact with at least one guy for which she has probably only admitted the very tip of the iceberg....

AND -she propositioned that couple to have a threesome with them at a later time and place. 

That is just what she has told you to your face. What do you suppose has gone on that she has not admitted to??

No one has mentioned this but anytime someone says the I Love You But Not In Love With You (ILYBNILWY) it almost always means that there is someone else involved. 

I suspect that the reason she has at least been paying lip service to making it seem like like she is being with you more is because this other person has been dragging his/her/their feet and has not committed to being with her so she trying to keep her place in the marital home. 

This isn't just her being in a weird funk. This is an extremely serious crisis that needs immediate attention and intervention. 
At bare minimum you need to seek counsel with a family law attorney to get prepared and get your ducks in a row in case she is making plans to walk out with the kids and the bank accounts. You are only aware something is awry for a couple months. She might be making plans and has been feathering here nest somewhere else for many months or even a year or more. 

WAKE UP!!!!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This was bound to blow up.

She is stuck at home all the time with a special needs kid (which requires a lot of attention) and two other kids.
She has no outlet. The one she has (her friend) you don't approve off
You decided to start sleeping on the couch so no intimacy (I am not talking about sex). She goes to a lonely room alone every night.
She has depression which probably exacerbates the whole issue she has of loneliness and abandonement

FFS anyone would want to run away from this set up.
Meanwhile you are totally oblivious. This is going to blow up in your face big time, she may have already gone across the line of no return.


----------



## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

It seems you are tolerating her being a ****ty partner so she is being one. You are not enforcing boundaries.

Think about what you are giving to the relationship and what she is giving. Do they match up? I suspect not. She is keeping you and your relationship in limbo and you are allowing her to do it at the expense of your happiness and well-being. No-one is going to give you a medal for that.

I'm confused why you are so cool about her cheating on you with her friend and God knows what with the boyfriend. Again, you need to look at your boundaries and how to enforce them.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

My first thought is 'Another hurting post - here we go again'

Poor slaving husband supporting SAHM mom who is struggling with mental anguish regarding her current living arrangements and future possibilities.
(not denying our fairer sex suffer same)

Quite likely thinking you have been/are taking her "for granted" and she is in serious low supply of ego kibbles. Back problems? A couple should discuss and figure out how
to move forward living together. What would you do if she developed endometriosis? (as a contrasting thought)

She goes to a couples party - without you (did you know this was what it was before she went?) and gets snockered and then chats up a threesome with a woman friend and friends boyfriend? And you don't post anything to note that you are NOT okay with that?

Some here wonder if she has already wandered? 

Best you open eyes and ears and start posting more about what led up to your current situation - and moth shut ears open and start looking for evidence of activities inconsistent with marriage vows.

Unhappy people do some odd things in pursuit of a dose of feel-good-happiness. For example - a threesome!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

_Poor muffin wants to be single and live the single life. When they tell they aren’t in love it’s over. You are grasping at straws living on hopium. Sorry but there is worse to come._


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

This will likely be deleted.

Do you think that perhaps you're underestimating the pressure she is under being the sole caretaker of a special needs child? Understand, please, that I will NEVER condone infidelity. But to leave her in a place where she feels totally alone is going to lead to her trying to find someone who gives a squirrel's patootie about her and she doesn't seem to feel that's you. 

If she's cheated, honestly, I don't think there's an amount of neglect that justifies that. But if you're interested in saving this, maybe take just a moment out of your day to show some interest in how she is feeling. It sounds to me like she feels alone. This mythology that intelligent women can have nothing for themselves and they're just supposed to figure out how to deal with it it cruel and dismissive. It's not your fault, society tells you wives don't matter. 

She is a person. Just like you're a person. Put yourself in her shoes, imagine your life was hers and how would you feel? It doesn't make her a bad mother to feel a little empty at just being an appliance. 

I think the best remedy for this is communication plus action. It's not enough to just sit there while she vents. You have to listen and try to understand what she's going through. Pretend she's a person, not just a "woman," and you'll be a lot more sympathetic to her problems. 

Every marriage is healthier when spouses are friends.


----------

