# Is my marriage doomed?



## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

So, I've been with my husband for 4 years and we've been married for two and a half. We have two children (one is mine from a previous relationship)and the other is 15 months now. I am at a loss as to how I can fix this marriage. The sex in the beginning was fantastic and we had it all the time but over the years, it has dissolved into maybe once a month and I always have to initiate it. We no longer kiss or are intimate in any way and when we do have sex, it lasts about 15 minutes. I have tried talking to him and expressing my unhappiness and he tells me he loves me more than anything and that he will try harder (he does temporarily) but then we wind up right back here. I work hard on my body and am fairly attractive. When we go out, I feel like every single guy in the room looks at me but to my husband, I'm invisible. What should I do? Is this doomed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We need more info. 

How old are you and he?

Do both of you work? Or are you a SAHM?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?

Does he ever complain about things? If so what?


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

I am 34 and he is 30. We both work, though his job has much longer hours than mine. But, I also take almost full responsibility for the house and kids. We generally get out for a date night a couple times a month but they are almost always spent with friends not alone. I just don't feel like we have a sexual relationship at all anymore. Its not that I doubt that he loves me but I feel like we are best friends, not lovers. He complains about his job alot, says he's just too tired for sex. He doesn't complain about me though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kt34 said:


> I am 34 and he is 30. We both work, though his job has much longer hours than mine. But, I also take almost full responsibility for the house and kids. We generally get out for a date night a couple times a month but they are almost always spent with friends not alone. I just don't feel like we have a sexual relationship at all anymore. Its not that I doubt that he loves me but I feel like we are best friends, not lovers. He complains about his job alot, says he's just too tired for sex. He doesn't complain about me though.


There is a good book that will help you.. "His Needs, Her Needs", read it. Then get him to read it and work through what the book says to do.

Also get him to a doctor for a check up. He's way too young to be this tired and this low drive. Go with him to the doctor that that you can make sure that the doctor knows that he seems to have no energy and no sex drive. Get his T levels check.

After that get him to work with you decrease his stress and to up his sex drive. You have to let him know that you are not ok with things the way they are.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

are you being obvious about your needs? Like you two are watching tv, you spread your legs open to reveal no panties, and beckon him closer. You push his head down between your legs for oral sex, and do not let him up until you have fully orgasmed. 

That is what you need to do....make it perfectly obvious what your needs are, and demand he satisfy them.


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

Elegirl, thanks for the book suggestion, I will def give it a read. I have wondered about low T myself. But at his age, is it possible to be low T? I thought that was for older men.
Murphy5- We have two kids so getting busy in the living room is never an option. It usually happens in a more planned way but yes, I've made it clear that I need more sex. Over the years, my self esteem in bed with him has plummeted. I don't think I would even feel comfortable pushing his head down because I fear his rejection... sad, but true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes, I have heard others on this site say that low T can occur in younger men.

Question; does he have any ED problems that can be affecting his confidence? I once went on an ED mens forum and it was very surprising how many younger men were on that forum with ED issues.

I agree with Ele that a dr. visit is good idea just to rule out


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> are you being obvious about your needs? Like you two are watching tv, you spread your legs open to reveal no panties, and beckon him closer. You push his head down between your legs for oral sex, and do not let him up until you have fully orgasmed.
> 
> That is what you need to do....make it perfectly obvious what your needs are, and demand he satisfy them.



I love your suggestion about being bold to "let him know." I do this frequently and wish he would let me know in the same manner, but he does not. 

Funny thing is, I have seen men get bashed for using this same approach on women, but it would be acceptable for a women to do this towards a man. The good old double standard! I feel bad for the men actually...never knowing the "right thing" to do therefore creating men that are "too nice" and well, you know the rest of the Mr. Nice guy stories. They are over in the infidelity forum.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

I don't think your marriage is doomed but it does seem like you are in a bit of rut. 

From a man's perspective (at least mine), my wife and I went through a bit of what you are describing. It wasn't that I didn't love her or desire her but my sexual confidence was low. One night I when she was especially in the mood I couldn't perform "it happens to lots of guys" and from there it can become a viscous cycle. The more I tried to make sure and really satisfy her the quicker I would climax super fast until our average PIV sex would last barely a minute. She tried to spice things up and help me out by getting us some pornographic movies to watch together and it made things even worse. I would see these well endowed guys just going to town and having sex for seeming an unlimited amount of time, and this ended up giving me feel even more of a complex. 

In essence, the more pressure she put on me about her not being satisfied and needing "more" the more apprehensive I got to the point I was kind of shutting down. Then one day she got an idea in her head and decided to switch tactics. She started complimenting me all of the time. She would sometimes randomly grab my package while watching TV or whatever and comment on how big it was. (I've talked about this previously on this forum that I'm actually smaller than average) but hey I can't lie I liked hearing it anyway. In the bedroom (maybe she started faking it a just a little  ) to make me feel like I was really getting the job done. A couple of weeks of this and my confidence was restored and things got back to normal. 

I guess my point is sometimes, just a like a good throw in judo, you need to off balance someone by switching the direction you've been pushing. Anyways, I don't know if that will work in your situation but it worked in ours. Wouldn't hurt to get the testosterone checked either, besides sex is he showing low energy in other ways? put on weight? not playing sports he used to enjoy?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This sounds like boredom to me. Too much of the same ole same ole.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This sounds like boredom to me. Too much of the same ole same ole.


Could just be that as well.


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> Yes, I have heard others on this site say that low T can occur in younger men.
> 
> Question; does he have any ED problems that can be affecting his confidence? I once went on an ED mens forum and it was very surprising how many younger men were on that forum with ED issues.
> 
> I agree with Ele that a dr. visit is good idea just to rule out


No, ED hasn't been an issue but I think you guys are right that a visit to the doc couldn't hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Kids huh? Well that is part of the problem there. Anywhere you can ditch them? Grandma's house, sleep over at a friends, put them to bed early! If there is no spontaneity due to the possibility of the kids walking in on you, that kills a good HALF of the chances right there! And no chance of you just walking into the room wearing really sexy lingerie (my personal favorite type of surprise).

Hey, if you can not get creative about making sex a more likely outcome...you are going to be stuck where you are now...no joy!


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

Lord Summerisle said:


> I don't think your marriage is doomed but it does seem like you are in a bit of rut.
> 
> From a man's perspective (at least mine), my wife and I went through a bit of what you are describing. It wasn't that I didn't love her or desire her but my sexual confidence was low. One night I when she was especially in the mood I couldn't perform "it happens to lots of guys" and from there it can become a viscous cycle. The more I tried to make sure and really satisfy her the quicker I would climax super fast until our average PIV sex would last barely a minute. She tried to spice things up and help me out by getting us some pornographic movies to watch together and it made things even worse. I would see these well endowed guys just going to town and having sex for seeming an unlimited amount of time, and this ended up giving me feel even more of a complex.
> 
> ...


It's very possible that he has low self esteem. This has gone on for a long time and the longer it does, the angrier I get and I'll admit, I've found myself making snide comments about our sex life in front of him. I realize it may be perpetuating the problem but its really hard not to be angry when someone you love hurts you. 
As far as energy, he has none to speak of, he comes home from work and hits the couch until bed. The only time he does anything productive outside of work is when I force him on the weekends. He hasn't gained weight but he's always had a super high metabolism.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

kt34 said:


> It's very possible that he has low self esteem. This has gone on for a long time and the longer it does, the angrier I get and I'll admit, I've found myself making snide comments about our sex life in front of him. I realize it may be perpetuating the problem but its really hard not to be angry when someone you love hurts you.
> As far as energy, he has none to speak of, he comes home from work and hits the couch until bed. The only time he does anything productive outside of work is when I force him on the weekends. He hasn't gained weight but he's always had a super high metabolism.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He could be highly stressed at work. Difficult work conditions can definately sap your energy.


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Kids huh? Well that is part of the problem there. Anywhere you can ditch them? Grandma's house, sleep over at a friends, put them to bed early! If there is no spontaneity due to the possibility of the kids walking in on you, that kills a good HALF of the chances right there! And no chance of you just walking into the room wearing really sexy lingerie (my personal favorite type of surprise).
> 
> Hey, if you can not get creative about making sex a more likely outcome...you are going to be stuck where you are now...no joy!


When this first started I tried everything. An example, I would invite him to the shower and try to surprise him with a BJ but he would stop me. He would have sex with me but it would be quick and completely unsatisfying (though I would fake it), like he's just getting it over with. I have lost all desire to put forth effort when he shuts me down all the time. Plus, I feel like I shouldn't bother trying this hard all the time when he obviously doesn't care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kt34 said:


> Elegirl, thanks for the book suggestion, I will def give it a read. I have wondered about low T myself. But at his age, is it possible to be low T? I thought that was for older men.


Yes it's possible for young men to have low T. There are men who are low drive just as there are women who are.



kt34 said:


> Murphy5- We have two kids so getting busy in the living room is never an option. It usually happens in a more planned way but yes, I've made it clear that I need more sex. Over the years, my self esteem in bed with him has plummeted. I don't think I would even feel comfortable pushing his head down because I fear his rejection... sad, but true.


I've been through this. Being sexually reject constantly can be very hard on a person. 

Sometimes I think that women take it very hard because we always hear that men are horn dogs. So when our man is not interested in having sex with us and often reject our advances all the time we feel that there is something wrong with us... like we are gross, undesirable, etc.

There is a good book on the topic of men who stop having sex with their wives. It might help you to read it.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: 9780061192043: Amazon.com: Books

From personal experience I know that there are different reasons that men stop having sex with their wives. I believe that when a person loses interest in sex they have an obligation to their spouse to find the root cause of their lack of interest in sex with their spouse and do what is needed to fix it. If the person will not put the work and effort into fixing their sex life then they are choosing to hurt the spouse who wants sex with them.

My first husband stopped having sex with me it was a passive aggressive way to punish me for all the faults he thought I had... you know faults he said I was lazy.

(I worked full time running a business that did software development and research, took care of our son, kept the house clean, cooked and on and on. I supported him through medical school and residency..... but he always said that I was lazy. He was obviously just look for things to not like about me.)

AS it turned out he was having affairs with women who worked at the hospital. So the he fabricated reasons to justify his cheating. 

Like him a lot of men are angry at their wife for real and imagined things and withhold sex as a passive-aggressive way to express the anger and punish her. (for balance, some women do this too).


My second husband stopped having sex because he started to experience ED. (we were in our 50's when this happened). But like a lot of men with ED, low-T, etc he is too embarrassed to talk about it with me. And he's even more embarrassed go to a doc to see what can be done to help. Translate: our relationship and me did not mean enough to him to find out how to get our sex life back on track.

I divorced both of these guys.. life is too short.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

what kind of activities (hobbies/sports) did he enjoy when you were dating and enjoying frequent quality sex? Maybe he used to go to the gym, play racquetball? You say now he just comes from work and loafs on the couch? It sounds like he isn't just disengaged from sex but has lost a bit of his jeux de vie, and is now just going through the motions. Its hard to be passionate about sex when you aren't passionate about life. For me I discovered Judo as an activity (this is why I am forever making analogies to being thrown) and it has changed my life. Maybe he needs to find something to boost that self esteem and get his blood pumping again. 

I know it hurts when he unresponsive to your sexual needs, it is being selfish on his part and its not acceptable. But I would really try and resist the urge to lash out verbally and be critical of sexual performance. It might bring temporary satisfaction but its not going to get you what you really want.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

15 mins of PIV or total foreplay and all?

15mins of PIV would be more than average for most guys.

does he give you oral and care about what you like? have you ever said exactly what you want/like/

or are you expecting him to read your mind?

does he take care of himself with porn?

have you gained a substancial amount of weight.?


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> 15 mins of PIV or total foreplay and all?
> 
> 15mins of PIV would be more than average for most guys.
> 
> ...


15 minutes total, which wouldn't bother me if it weren't all I was going to get for the next month. He does give me oral and he seems to care whether I'm satisfied but I can't reach orgasm during intercourse so if he skips the foreplay I'm SOL. I tell him after sex what I liked every time. He used to look at porn, but I don't think he's even masturbating anymore so no. I haven't gained weight. I did with the baby but I work out 3 times a week so it dropped right off after I had her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

kt34 said:


> It's very possible that he has low self esteem. This has gone on for a long time and the longer it does, the angrier I get and I'll admit, I've found myself making snide comments about our sex life in front of him. I realize it may be perpetuating the problem but its really hard not to be angry *when someone you love hurts you.*


Try to change how you're thinking. He's not hurting you. It's not something that he's actively doing. He's not restricting sex for a manipulative reason.  That would be actively hurting you. Instead, it's just that your desires aren't aligned. You're feeling hurt because your needs aren't being met.

I'm sure it makes you upset, but try to look at as an incompatibility rather than something he's deliberately doing to hurt you.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

kt34 said:


> *15 minutes total, which wouldn't bother me if it weren't all I was going to get for the next month*. He does give me oral and he seems to care whether I'm satisfied but I can't reach orgasm during intercourse so if he skips the foreplay I'm SOL. I tell him after sex what I liked every time. He used to look at porn, but *I don't think he's even masturbating anymore so no*. I haven't gained weight. I did with the baby but I work out 3 times a week so it dropped right off after I had her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*These statements* suggest that low T is a VERY high likelihood. A 30 year old male should be interested in sex (including masturbation) at least every day and probably more than that, not once a month.


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

About 3 months ago I encountered an article about the curent social dynamic and how it is virtual poison to young men. In the article they said that the average 20s and 30s male produces 27% less T than their father's generation. Stress, self-esteem, feeling connected and important, and a sense of purpose can make a difference. And that is outside and inside a primary relationship. Try to make him feel like he is important and (when he wants to be) is your best lover.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Although I really cant comprehend this, as I am on the opposite end of that spectrom, to me, it sounds like there is a deeper problem. For the life of me, I cant understand how a man who has an attractive willing and able wife would not be interested. 

Most men, and apparently, a lot of women would love our spouses to be as willing as you are. I hate to be like the Grim Reaper but have you ruled out him doing anything on the side? It just seems to me that when one spouse looses total sexual interest, there is likely more to the story. 

How long have things been like this? I wouldnt be leaving the house much if my wife had your drive, which is why I cant comprehend this.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

kt34 said:


> When this first started I tried everything. An example, I would invite him to the shower and try to surprise him with a BJ but he would stop me. He would have sex with me but it would be quick and completely unsatisfying *(though I would fake it),* like he's just getting it over with. I have lost all desire to put forth effort when he shuts me down all the time. Plus, I feel like I shouldn't bother trying this hard all the time when he obviously doesn't care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please don't do this. It's not doing you (or him) any favors. If he isn't satisfying you, and you're faking it, he will never learn what you like. He may just think it's that easy. 

Like others have said, he needs to see a Dr. about low T. It's definitely a possibility. After you rule that out, explore other areas. I would start with a simple dr. visit though.


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

roostr said:


> Although I really cant comprehend this, as I am on the opposite end of that spectrom, to me, it sounds like there is a deeper problem. For the life of me, I cant understand how a man who has an attractive willing and able wife would not be interested.
> 
> Most men, and apparently, a lot of women would love our spouses to be as willing as you are. I hate to be like the Grim Reaper but have you ruled out him doing anything on the side? It just seems to me that when one spouse looses total sexual interest, there is likely more to the story.
> 
> How long have things been like this? I wouldnt be leaving the house much if my wife had your drive, which is why I cant comprehend this.


Yes, we spend all of our free time outside of work together. We are best friends. There really isn't an opportunity for him to have someone on the side. This has been going on since before we got married (2 1/2 years) I know, not a great way to start a marriage but I love him and thought this was just a phase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful and insightful responses, it means alot to know that this situation isn't hopeless. I will def be making a docs appt and, barring a physical issue, I will look into some counseling. You guys have given me alot of things to think about! I will definitely be recommending this site to friends!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kt34 (Jul 1, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Please don't do this. It's not doing you (or him) any favors. If he isn't satisfying you, and you're faking it, he will never learn what you like. He may just think it's that easy.
> 
> Like others have said, he needs to see a Dr. about low T. It's definitely a possibility. After you rule that out, explore other areas. I would start with a simple dr. visit though.


I don't want him to know that intercourse alone will never satisfy me completely because I don't want him to feel like everytime we have sex has to be a big production. Sometimes, its enough for me to just be intimate with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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