# Not a Cheat, but a Betrayal



## VyVenom (Feb 16, 2012)

Hello Everyone,

I've been with my husband for 7 years now. We have never fought over anything (Seriously). We are both very laid back and never do anything to upset each other. Which is why my problem came as a complete shock and hurts a great deal.

I want nothing more than to move past this betrayal. I want nothing more than to be happy with him for the rest of our lives.

Like I said, I am having a hard time getting past it. I would really love some advice on how you can overcome it.

What happened wasn't a psychical cheat. My husband works for a company which has a female regional boss. She visits his property often. She used to have a crush on his brother who also works for the company. But now, her sights are on my husband.

I noticed for awhile she had a crush. And my husband has very personable personality. Which can be read as flirting if you didn't know him. He acts that way to everyone, even men. He is just a joker. I told him to be careful because I knew she would think he was flirting. 

He never works late, never leaves the house without me and I always have the car. Like I said, no cheating involved.

He was however holding his cell phone very close. And after questioning him for weeks about if she was doing anything he said no. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I did a terrible thing and browsed his cell phone. I found they had been chatting on AIM to avoid text messaging (her idea). And saw a lot of LUs and LU2s. I was trying to think of anything else that could of meant. But Love you, was the only thing. The next night, we were both sick with colds and I decided it was a good time to bring it up.

He started to cry and said he had been dying to tell me for weeks. But felt I would leave him. (He's always had that fear since we started).

He admitted to the IMing. I told him he needed to tell her that had to stop. He said she started saying Love ya after confiding in him about personal issues. Marriage and Children. He played along and Love you 2 back because he was a "coward" as he said and was afraid she would fire him. 

We need his job to keep our home since I do not work. I've never seen him so upset and for days he kept begging for forgiveness. I do forgive him. I know it could be a lot worse than my situation. 

She is the regional, so she does still go to his building. He tells me everytime she calls,texts or comes to his building. And it drives me crazy. I know she is still his boss and still has to have communication with him. But it makes me crazy. 

Please, do not respond with mean replies. I want to recover not make myself crazier. 

Thank you


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

This is a classic emotional affair, and please don't kid yourself into thinking it's not cheating...Treat it as you would a physical affair. There is plently of info about EAs on the web. Print some of the better ones off and give them to your husband. Best of luck.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You know, your husband can't continue working with this woman, right? Really, he has to go no contact with her, even if this means quitting his job...so sorry you have to deal with this.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> You know, your husband can't continue working with this woman, right? Really, he has to go no contact with her, even if this means quitting his job...so sorry you have to deal with this.


:iagree:

There is no way that you guys are going to move forward without him quitting this job. Hard, but true. 

I would keep your mind open about what has happened. He will almost certainly be giving you a heavily edited version of what has happened.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Sorry you have to go through this also, but it *IS* Betrayal AND Cheating... don't let him tell you any different. He wasn't worried about losing his job, he was worried about you finding out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If he is being truthful with you that he is being pressured into this for fear of his job, then he should be more than willing to pursue a sexual harassment claim. If he is unwilling to pursue a sexual harrassment claim for any reason, it indicates that he is not being truthful with you. Even if the reason sound legitimate.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Hicks said:


> If he is being truthful with you that he is being pressured into this for fear of his job, then he should be more than willing to pursue a sexual harassment claim. If he is unwilling to pursue a sexual harrassment claim for any reason, it indicates that he is not being truthful with you. Even if the reason sound legitimate.


exactly what i thought


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

VyVenom said:


> He
> Please, do not respond with mean replies. I want to recover not make myself crazier.
> 
> Thank you


No one wants to be "mean" to you...

You can NOT RECOVER until it's ALL on the table... 

Not wanting to hear it is not going to change it or make it go away. No one wants to hurt your feelings, but no one is doing you any favors by pulling punches. 

You are willfully trying to keep yourself in denial and asking for softened blows... 

Truth is, your husband is cheating on you and your looking at the tip of an iceburg. What he gave you WAS a softened blow. It is trickle truth...

Not wanting to hear it is not going to change it or make it go away. It's certainly not going to help you heal, what it will do is stretch the pain out much longer... 

Im sorry, this sucks. But this is bad. 

Brace yourself and DIG. DIG. DIG. You have to get the entire infection out, the whole truth... If you don't it will fester and rot your from the inside out. These questions will never go away...

I'm really sorry, but do yourself a favor... don't ask to be handled with kid gloves and spoon fed... ask for the truth. Regardless how how hard that is to hear... You need the truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I bet a lot more went on if they were saying they loved eachother.
Sorry but it's the truth.
He has to go no contact with her which is going to be hard since she is his boss.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

You do need to find out the TRUTH... sounds like he was clearly in an EA ( maybe even an PA) and doesn't want you to be mad at him or leave him so he is telling you a very unlikely story... 

If you are on here asking what other people think, yet don't want to hear "mean"(truth hurts) responses... then it sounds like you don't want to know the truth. You are wanting to "rug sweep",,, and if you are believing his story 100%, then maybe you shouldn't of asked for opinions on here to begin with. There are a lot of wise BS's and ex cheaters on here that are willing to help, even if it's not what you want to hear or believe.

And I don't mean that to be rude or "mean"..... as when I first posted on here, I remember someone telling me 
*"LIARS CHEAT AND CHEATERS LIE"* They will tell you whatever they think YOU want to hear, to protect their affair.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

VyVenom said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> I've been with my husband for 7 years now. We have never fought over anything (Seriously). We are both very laid back and never do anything to upset each other. Which is why my problem came as a complete shock and hurts a great deal.
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If she fires him, you can sue the company for sexual harrasment. But I think he lying about the firing part. he most likely got high with the ego boost


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Why do you think you did a terrible thing by checking his phone? He was cheating on you and you busted him.


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## nurseV (Jan 20, 2012)

Last May I found out about my husband's affair with a coworker. At first he told they were only good friends and that she was confiding in him about her marriage problems. That she was attracted to him but nothing happened. He immediatly ended the affair with the *****. I wanted to believe that nothing happened so badly and I did. I texted the ***** and her husband found out. He called me and we talked. I told him about all the cell calls and text messages. He said they were probably having sex. I said, "no way, my husband has to much to lose and when would they do it anyway?" He said between 3 and 5. (they are teachers) Anyway, he kept looking for info. I did too but couldn't find anything and wanted desperately to believe my husband. Well, a week later her husband calls and says he has found a note from my husband saying "I love you". That's when my husband told me everything. They had had a 3 month affair and had sex. I kicked him out and let him come back a day later. He transferred to a different school. We are working through this and he is doing everything right but it is still the hardest thing I've ever been through. 
Anyway, I hope your husband is telling you the truth but I just don't think so. The I love you's kind of give it away. Even if there is no sex it was an emotional affair. So wake up so you can start healing sooner rather than later. It is a long process.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

I don't believe for a second he was "going to tell you and he's glad you found out about it first" and as others have said the rest of it is just one excuse after another.

You cannot allow this to stand. He files a sexual harassment suit against her or you are LEAVING.

Any less than that and he knows he can continue right on where he left off with her only this time he'll be more careful and as others have suggested there is much more going on here even though "you have the only car" as if that's going to stop them from meeting for a lunchtime quickie or something. I'm almost certain she has a car too.


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## Simon_B (Feb 15, 2012)

well... my soon to be ex-wife cheated on me with 4 people and had an emotional affair with one of them...

i actually think you can get past this... don't through the baby out with the bath water.. 

your husband just has to retain his integrity and if he feels uncomfortable, he needs to tells her. end of story. 

he can't run away, he needs to hold his head high.

i say all of this after giving my wife a second chance and she blew it.

good luck though.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Man, you guys are crazy, she should tell this man to quit his job...in this economy...wow. The most you can do is have faith that he si being honest when he tells you she calls/texts/chats. Don't make that man quit, unless you're willing to buck up and bring in the same money till he finds something. I never understand the men that fear their women leaving them, but I guess that's a self esteem thing, which I can see how having a boss being into you can make him feel better about himself. Anyhow, keep transparency and have faith, and if it's too much, then you leave if it's bother you that much. 
Tell that man to quit his job...stop the madness people.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Man, you guys are crazy, she should tell this man to quit his job...in this economy...wow. The most you can do is have faith that he si being honest when he tells you she calls/texts/chats. Don't make that man quit, unless you're willing to buck up and bring in the same money till he finds something. I never understand the men that fear their women leaving them, but I guess that's a self esteem thing, which I can see how having a boss being into you can make him feel better about himself. Anyhow, keep transparency and have faith, and if it's too much, then you leave if it's bother you that much.
> Tell that man to quit his job...stop the madness people.


I think they were more so telling her to have him file sexual harassment charges against the OW ( IF he is being truthful) about him not being in the affair willingly. But if he wants to R then he won't be able to work with the OW anymore so as to have NC with her.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I think they were more so telling her to have him file sexual harassment charges against the OW ( IF he is being truthful) about him not being in the affair willingly. But if he wants to R then he won't be able to work with the OW anymore so as to have NC with her.


Yeah, I get that. But that's drastic to say the least. Asking the sole provider to just up and find a new job that pays as well to support them, over some other chick? Come on.

Maybe i'm trivializing, but i'm sorry, if i'm willing to reconcile and you want me to quit to avoid contact, I may need to evaluate my priorities. My comfort in life than a nagging situation. Because God forbid this poor fool takes that advice and is not able to afford the lifestyle she is accustomed to. I can only imagine her mindset towards him after that.

I think if she can't find it in her to trust him with his apparent transparency, then, like MJ said best, Beat It!


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

hisfac said:


> I don't believe for a second he was "going to tell you and he's glad you found out about it first" and as others have said the rest of it is just one excuse after another.
> 
> You cannot allow this to stand. *He files a sexual harassment suit against her or you are LEAVING*.
> 
> Any less than that and he knows he can continue right on where he left off with her only this time he'll be more careful and as others have suggested there is much more going on here even though "you have the only car" as if that's going to stop them from meeting for a lunchtime quickie or something. I'm almost certain she has a car too.


Seriously? Only if she fires him becaue he doesn't want to smash her head in, will he have ground to stand on. He messed up by entertaining the advances. He needs to now man up, and let her know they've been caught, and the juice is not worth the squeeze to continue. 
If she then pushes the issue, he can take it up the chain. He just needs to put some bass in his voice and let her know what's what. I'm sure she didn't pick him to fool with because of how weak and cowardly he was. If that is the case, then OP, you have other problems.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Assuming your DH works for a rather large company being OW is his 'regional' supervisor, she's most likely well aware of the possibility of a sexual harassment lawsuit as most large companies' HR departments require employees to attend trainings covering this very thing. So, I would advise you to demand your WH let her know in writing (some will not agree with me on this but if it's not in 'writing' then it didn't happen. This may also help in the event he does end up having to file a lawsuit) that he's uncomfortable and would like to resume their 'work' only relationship. In the meantime, WH needs to look for a transfer to another department or another company altogether. I, personally, would want him to leave the company completely.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't think he was only going along with the affair because of worried about being fired........... I think that's a line of BS.( IMO).


As another thread says " I see cheaters everywhere"


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

heavensangel said:


> Assuming your DH works for a rather large company being OW is his 'regional' supervisor, she's most likely well aware of the possibility of a sexual harassment lawsuit as most large companies' HR departments require employees to attend trainings covering this very thing. So, I would advise you to demand your WH *let her know in writing (some will not agree with me on this but if it's not in 'writing' then it didn't happen. * This may also help in the event he does end up having to file a lawsuit) that he's uncomfortable and would like to resume their 'work' only relationship. In the meantime, WH needs to look for a transfer to another department or another company altogether. I, personally, would want him to leave the company completely.


I deal with contracts on the daily, solid advice. Especially better than quitting. The only thing is if she refuses to sign it, but he should have that conversation via text to at least prove he attempted to.


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