# What's my problem??



## canadiangirl101 (Sep 1, 2017)

Hello,
I'm 28 and I just got married 3 months ago. While dating my boyfriend (now husband) I insisted on staying a virgin until we get married. The problem is... I'm still a virgin 3 months after we got married. I'm extremely scared of the pain which blocks me from having sex. Also, I have a very low sex drive (especially compared to my husband). So here I am, feeling like a failure..feeling like I cannot satisfy my man. As newlyweds, I feel like we should be having sex at least once a day...not no sex at all. We do other stuff 2-3 times a week but that's it. Our honeymoon was bad. We barely got intimate. I don't know what to do. Has anybody been in that situation before? Can anybody provide some good advice for me? 
Thank you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I was a virgin when I got married, and didn't lose my virginity right away. My husband wanted it to be pleasureable for me, not painful, so that was very loving of him to be patient. We had plenty of fun doing all kinds of other stuff as we both explored our sexuality for the first time.

When it did happen, yeah it hurt a little, but was not that big of a deal. I needn't have worried as much as I did that's for sure...fear of the unknown is all it is.

Get well lubed up (Astroglide, Coconut oil) and get it over with. Then move on to enjoying your sex life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Do the two of you do, or have you ever done, either manual (inclusive of toys)or oral sex on each other, marriage or premarriage?*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Try first with fingers. Slowly. I'd also encourage you to touch yourself and get to know your body, what feels good and how fast and how much pressure you enjoy. You can do this with your husband, or jump in a nice bubble bath with candles and explore. 

Knowing yourself will help you enjoy sex when you do it and hopefully raise your desire for it. 

And don't beat yourself up. Appreciate your husband for his patience and love to work with you on this together and make sure you communicate a lot about what is feeling good and what isn't.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

canadiangirl101 said:


> Hello,
> I'm 28 and I just got married 3 months ago. While dating my boyfriend (now husband) I insisted on staying a virgin until we get married. The problem is... I'm still a virgin 3 months after we got married. I'm extremely scared of the pain which blocks me from having sex. Also, I have a very low sex drive (especially compared to my husband). So here I am, feeling like a failure..feeling like I cannot satisfy my man. As newlyweds, I feel like we should be having sex at least once a day...not no sex at all. We do other stuff 2-3 times a week but that's it. Our honeymoon was bad. We barely got intimate. I don't know what to do. Has anybody been in that situation before? Can anybody provide some good advice for me?
> Thank you.


Get a doctors appointment, it will be much cheaper than a divorce attorney. 

Ask the Doctor if there is any medical reason for the pain. If not, ask him to prescribe a set of vaginal medical dialators.

Get on Amazon and find a DVC/CD on self hypnosis and/or affirmations. Buy it and then do the exercises where you visualize pleasurable healthy sex with your H. Say affirmations of you love your husband and you enjoy feeling your two bodies become one and him sliding into you.

Get a good book like "Morgasms" so you understand the mechanics of sex and then learn how to masturbate yourself to orgasm and become familiar with your body.

If all else fails, make an appointment with a sex therapist for you and your H. Sex Therapists are marriage counselors with additional training in sexual problems. The ST can help you both with the mechanics and with the emotional scars that this is causing for you and your H.

Good luck.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Our honeymoon was pretty bad as well or I had a lot of expectations... Don't be so hard on yourself. Continue to do things with him a few times a week and when your ready, you'll have sex.. Wear something sexy, have a glass of wine and some massage oil. Candles?? Music?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

This happened to me. We didn't achieve full penetration until 7 months later. I went to my doctor, and in my case, it was a condition called vaginismus. It's basically that your nerves are getting the best of you to such a degree that your ladyflower slams shut at even the idea of sexual contact. In my case, it solved itself with the help of regular... ahem... pelvic massage... during which I would use a vibrator that about matched his girth. It took three or four years to completely resolve itself, but I was eventually cured. Perhaps, if you don't want your own recovery to take years, you could ask your doctor for a temporary prescription for a muscle relaxer. Or failing that, have a benadryl OR a couple glasses of wine before going at it (but NEVER, EVER both!!!) to relax the muscles down there.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife was a virgin at 20 when we met but not much longer. I would not marry a girl who I have not confirmed is sexually compatible with me. Lots of women have low libidos, see sex as only for procreation, a wifely duty or just want vanilla sex even when it gets mind numbing boring. I think there comes a point in a woman's life when she has to examine why she really still wants to be a virgin. No one really cares anymore unless you live in some third world country or are in a very religious sect. Keep in mind when religions declared that women should remain virgins until they married, it was a male dominated religion and society. Men were under no such restriction. Plus women married when they were 13 or so back when being a virgin was viewed as holy and/or proper.

I have had sex with three virgins in my life, even anal sex, and not one screamed out in pain. They said it hurt for a little bit but not enough to make them cry out. If this is really the reason why you are OK as a virgin, see your doctor. They can surgically break your hymen but at your age it probably is broken already and you will not feel pain. If you studied your biology you would know that the pain comes from breaking the hymen and not just because there is a penis in your vagina. Your vagina is pretty elastic. 

Know what happened to my two very religious cousins who insisted on being a virgin and only date guys who were OK with that. The good news is that they married. The bad news is that both of their husbands are gay which is why they never pressured their wives for sex, even after marriage. One guy is an ex football player and the other a Stock Broker. Both wanted wives to cover their homosexuality which back in my time had very serious consequences. Parents were not very accepting of a gay child. Employers could fire gay people under morals clauses in accepted employee laws. Gay men were being attacked and even killed while the police did not consider these things worth much of their time to investigate. Lots of gay men married women like you.

Here is one more thing. My wife was a virgin because she is sexually attracted to women. She is bi but I am the only man she wants sex with. We tested that and she hated sex with other men. She needs to feel a deep love with any sex partner regardless of gender. My wife shared her longtime girlfriend of 30 years with me. In fact, she insisted I take part in all sex with her girlfriend because without me it felt like cheating to her. So my wife had a reason for being a virgin that she made up for herself and one that was deeply pushed deep into her brain, which subconsciously made her afraid of sex with a man. 

If that is not enough, my first fiancé who was a virgin until we got engaged but never really enjoyed sex, is married to a woman. The third virgin ended up getting hooked on crack and selling her body for drug money. As of 10 years ago when we last emailed each other, she had a crack addicted daughter. Seems that I never met or knew a virgin who had more going on than just wanting to remain a virgin until marriage past a certain age. I would see red flags all over the place if a red blooded man of your husband's age was not constantly trying to get you to have sex with him or not filing for an annulment. Something is off with both of you and I hope you find the reason and fix it. No marriage can survive the one you now have.


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## canadiangirl101 (Sep 1, 2017)

Thank you all for your great advices!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

canadiangirl101 said:


> Hello,
> I'm 28 and I just got married 3 months ago. While dating my boyfriend (now husband) I insisted on staying a virgin until we get married. The problem is... I'm still a virgin 3 months after we got married. I'm extremely scared of the pain which blocks me from having sex. Also, I have a very low sex drive (especially compared to my husband). So here I am, feeling like a failure..feeling like I cannot satisfy my man. As newlyweds, I feel like we should be having sex at least once a day...not no sex at all. We do other stuff 2-3 times a week but that's it. Our honeymoon was bad. We barely got intimate. I don't know what to do. Has anybody been in that situation before? Can anybody provide some good advice for me?
> Thank you.




Very commendable that you waited until marriage. Actually ideal but in reality that also backfires because the lack of experience and its painful.


Buy yourself some sex toys and when you're comfortable and its not painful, go from there.


I Stayed a Virgin Until Marriage ? My Virginity Caused Me to Develop Vaginismus


https://christiannymphos.org/2007/12/27/fantastic-honeymoon-sex-guide-for-the-virgin/


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If I were the man in this situation I'd be seeking an annulment. What a disappointment and what a crappy way to live. 


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

canadiangirl101 said:


> Can anybody provide some good advice for me?


Have sex with your husband today, or end your marital farce.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It won't be long before her "husband" starts disconnecting from her and giving up. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you think that sex will be painful?

Have you had any experience that were?

A lot of women never have any pain at all, not even the first time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

And, some women do have pain. I've been told some real horror stories by girls who's firsts were like bulls in china shops and the girl wound up requiring a trip to the gyno for repairs. The hymen is a tricky critter for some women. 

So, guys have a little compassion. The next time you try to pound a square peg into a round hole and just can't get it in, maybe you should turn in your man card.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It was painful for me the first time as well.

I never had a child but I hear that childbirth is painful as well. that doesn't stop a lot of women from getting pregnant.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

canadiangirl101 said:


> Hello,
> I'm 28 and I just got married 3 months ago. While dating my boyfriend (now husband) I insisted on staying a virgin until we get married. The problem is... I'm still a virgin 3 months after we got married. I'm extremely scared of the pain which blocks me from having sex. Also, I have a very low sex drive (especially compared to my husband). So here I am, feeling like a failure..feeling like I cannot satisfy my man. As newlyweds, I feel like we should be having sex at least once a day...not no sex at all. We do other stuff 2-3 times a week but that's it. Our honeymoon was bad. We barely got intimate. I don't know what to do. Has anybody been in that situation before? Can anybody provide some good advice for me?
> Thank you.


Is it fear of pain, are you religious and have built up a stigma? Are you feeling insecure like you will be a disappointment so it's better off not trying?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Op-show your husband some appreciation for his patience but try not to let the guilt scare you. 

Being relaxed and not feeling pressure is going to be your best bet in getting over this. 

Just go slow, fingers first and work your way up. Any pain you have goes away quickly and soon you'll get to the point where your focus can be on finding out how you like it.


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