# Not....again....



## F82 (Feb 15, 2017)

So, I apologize in advance for what I am sure is the 5,000th post regarding infidelity, but here goes. Thank you in advance for any input you all are able to provide. I have been sleuthing here in one form or another for a few years and have learned much; thus i trust the input of this community. So again, thank you in advance. I mean that.

Well, I'm going to keep this as fact based as possible and I will address any questions from there. My wife of 12 years, together 16, have had a fairly idyllic relationship. About 3 years ago, she decided that being a mother was not enough (no issues with that) and decided to pursue a career in the personal training industry. Fast forward to the latter half of 2016, and I'll bring us up to speed on our current situation. 

I was working in law enforcement for the past decade. Recently retired, I have been enjoying retirement and, quite frankly, the fruits of a prosperous family. I say this not to be a d!ck or imprudent but to help show that finances are not an issue of concern. Hell, I'm adopted- if anyone understands how lucky they are (from a financial point of view) its me. I became a cop not out of necessity but because I wanted to serve the community. Anyway, I digress.

Let's fast forward to oh....August 2016. A new gym manager, also an ex cop, comes on the scene. Immediately, and I mean immediately, the hair on the back of my neck rises. I don't trust this guy- I worked with his type during my career. Ultimate alpha male in the sense that he will bang anything with a pulse. I didn't', and still do not, have any proof of this but if any of you know a cop, or an ex cop, can explain this feeling to them and they will know EXACTLY what I am talking about.

I mention to my wife that I have a weird vibe from this guy- I can't explain it but I just feel something is not right. So, after grabbing her phone and running a full LE diagnostic on it I determine that yes, she had been texting this guy from the gym. Not telling me about it, deleting the texts, etc. I confront and she says " I enjoyed the attention etc, I didn't know how to respond, etc.". Keep in mind I am a cop, so my proclivity for bull**** is at a minimum at all times. How she doesn't think I'll pick up on this after dealing with hundreds, if not thousands of domestic incidents, is beyond me but I digress. I ask if she had deleted any inappropriate text from this yahoo, and of course, she responds in the negative. I tell her I have grabbed all the texts from her phone and she then tells me that she thinks he has been flirtatious but she's handled it etc. I tell her ok (I'm really not ok but I'm a trained investigator- if you're gonna hang yourself with your own rope I can't help but watch) I'm glad she's got it under control.

Fast forward to......well, tonight. I have a sinking feeling that something is going on. Longer hours at work with no noticeable bump in income, buried in her phone- like all day when she's home. Changes password on her phone as well, I find this out because I go to use her phone and she tries to get it out of my hands first, until I realize the code she used no longer works. At this point she tells me that she changed the code because she doesn't want our 7 year old to be privy to inappropriate text messages. However, and again I fall back on my training in and general intelligence as a functional , observant human to realize that she didn't tell me about this until it as absolutely necessary. Red flag raised mentally, but I don't say anything....because now I've gone in to full investigative mode.

The week keeps staying busy, with her having longer hours at work- working nights when she didn't before, etc. Also, I start noticing changes in our bedroom activities., I will spare the details but I will say that anyone who is in tune with their partner knows when a new move or postilion turn up. 
Enough said. 

So, I decide to let a few months pass- she's due for a new phone for Xmas, etc. She gets the new phone but doesn't deactivate, or delete for that matter, the old Iphone. So I am able to see that EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION she had with this ass hat, has been deleted. Every. Single. One. Now, keep in mind, I had already addressed this very issue months prior; and here we are, with her being secretive on the cell phone, hiding access, etc., and oh by the way there are innumerable Facebook messages I have yet to go through. I am assuming I am not crazy thinking something has happened....If I can provide any more details I will. I value the support and intelligence of this community and am open to any suggestions on next actions. Thanks in advance for reading yet another crappy story.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Let's see if we can speed things up a bit for you...

1. Google "Wondershare Dr. Fone".

2. Does she back her phone up to a Mac or PC at home?

3. Does she have an iPad or Mac associated w/ the Apple iTunes/iCloud account that she uses on her phone?

4. What kind of phone do you use? If you use an iPhone as well, are your texts to her blue or green?

5. Are you able to get your hands on the phone bill?

6. Any chance she's using an app like WhatsApp or Snapchat to talk w/ this guy?

7. Do you have the username (it will be an email address) and password associated w/ her iCloud account?

8. Do you have the password to the email account associated w/ her iCloud account?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If it looks like a Duck. Just read through one of the 12 or something other active threads by men with assh*le wives at this point. You gonna get the same advice. Bottom line sneaky people like your wife are not worth the time and energy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

If you have the old phone you can recover the deleted texts


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## F82 (Feb 15, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Let's see if we can speed things up a bit for you...
> 
> 1. Google "Wondershare Dr. Fone".
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply, Gus. Here goes:

I am familiar with that program, and I plan to use it on her old phone tonight. She currently has an Iphone 7, but I have her old Iphone 5. She recently changed the Itunes password (again, in her words to protect our 7 year old from innapropite texts).

I use an Iphone 6s plus. Luckily, since my name is the one on the phone bill, I have ATT providing me with a full, detailed call and message log associated with her number- I should have a hard copy tomorrow, hopefully. I do have her email address for her AppleId, however, she has changed it recently, and I am unsure what it is. I can most likely guesstimate her email password, if necessary. She has WhatsApp and Snapchat on her phone, but I don't think they are synced to her current new phone.


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## F82 (Feb 15, 2017)

double post.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Regardless of what you can recover, just tell her you have backed up her phone and you are going to look through all her deleted texts. May save you a lot of time and her lying.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

If you have ATT, why not just look online at the detailed call/texts?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I just keep repeating myself and here I go again. Once a wife learns that you are afraid to get divorced, she becomes emboldened. She knows that you are her safety net and has no incentive to stop cheating. What she will do though is to get better at hiding her cheating. She no longer has the same fear that she had the first time she cheated. She knows you rather forgive than divorce. Once a cheater, always a cheater is an expression that came into being not because it sounds good, but because it is true most of the time. That has also been my personal experience. It is your marriage to handle as you wish but I read so many posts by guys desperate to avoid what will eventually happen. You can tell by what they write that they are grasping at any straws that do not lead to divorce. Some cheating women are good at getting their husbands to feel like they were the reason they cheated. Many times the clues are so obvious to the rest of us that we wonder why the husband (or wife) did not get suspicious much sooner.

I think your post reads like a man who knows what will happen but is looking for a reason not to end it. Good luck.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you knew several months ago that she was lying, why did you let it go on? 

I'm trying to understand if you're waiting to gather evidence,and for what reason if so. 

Would gathering evidence serve you at this point? Are you aiming to go for reconciliation if you get enough evidence? If so, that's your choice, but she's got no remorse in her now. What makes you think a full blown confrontation will make her remorse genuine? 

If you're aiming to gather evidence to shame her to family /friends, my advice would be to redirect your energy into leaving her so you can get on with your happiness.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

In all of these months with this going on. Why have you not gone by her work to see what happens when she leaves?


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## Nevermoreagain (Feb 12, 2017)

I'm writing this as a wayward spouse. Believe me. Something that is not right is going on here. This is definitely and Emotional Affair, and possibly a Physical one. All the signs are there. You need to make some decisions. It sounds to me like she is not going to just come clean. I think you should step up the investigation. I don't where you get them or how much they cost, but i would put a recorder in her car so you could here her conversations. Sounds awful I know, but she is treating you worse than that. I am hoping you find out that we are wrong, but i don't think we are. take care.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

ABHale said:


> In all of these months with this going on. Why have you not gone by her work to see what happens when she leaves?


I recommend he simply use a dog tracking device like Whistle. I have a redbone **** hound that wants to escape and explore once and awhile and I can track her within five feet of where she by map on a cell phone. Its like $50 bucks for the device and $10 a month service. 
Personally, if you have a chick that wants other guys in her pants and willing to slip off and get it, what good is it to catch her red handed and get her to say she's not going to do it anymore. I thought they promised that when they married you. Old F82 admitted he has the bucks to keep her in pretty good live style. Can you blame her for wanting to keep him around for support.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is the evidence so far pointing to EA or PA?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It simply cannot be said enough: One's "gut instincts" are a preeminent gift from God! From your apt description, I'd say that you're being had! A projected EA is probably just the tip of the iceberg! The evidence that you will ultimately find, almost always, will prove far, far worse than you ever anticipated!

@F82 ~ while being in the midst of your investigatory mode, and provided that you haven't already done so, please start up an immediate dialogue with a good, "piranha" family attorney to advise you of your marital property rights and to set you up to literally kick her covert skankiness to the curb!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> If you knew several months ago that she was lying, why did you let it go on?
> 
> I'm trying to understand if you're waiting to gather evidence,and for what reason if so.
> 
> ...


No, he wants to close the case. Police hate cold cases. Likely true, but unproven allegations eat at detectives. They hate to let a "Perp" escape justice. It is simple as that. She is flaunting his concerns in his face. She has made a game of this. She sounds determined and maybe she is resentful with respect to OP. The other retired cop may be coaching her. She may be smitten with his well manicured mitten.

She was warned to cease and desist. She persists.

The long arm of the law will soon expose her plot, her cheating, silken flower pot. 

Satya, his wife is asking for it. She is being, ever so bold. Wack her pee pee.

Expose. I vote Expose.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

As a former WW/BS- Big red flags here.The fact that she changed her cell password AND her icloud password...I'd say shes worried about you reading her texts.

The fact that she is deleting the texts between them means she knows what she is doing is wrong. She feels guilty- knows you would be at the minimum very uncomfortable with their interactions. The fact she is minimizing and lying to you about their communication is a definate sign their relationship has crossed over to an EA at least.

Dont and I mean DO NOT confront her until you have hard evidence. She will make up every excuse in the book for her behaviour and because you love her you will want to believe her. You will end up sweeping it under the rug and living in limbo and she will go underground. 

Put a VAR in the car. GPS her phone. You should go onto weightlifters thread and check out other investigative ideas you may not have thought of.

Good luck. Sorry you are here.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

As soon as I saw personal trainer in your OP my eyes glazed over. With every red flag you've listed after that this is an EA/PA for sure.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> I recommend he simply use a dog tracking device like Whistle. I have a redbone **** hound that wants to escape and explore once and awhile and I can track her within five feet of where she by map on a cell phone. Its like $50 bucks for the device and $10 a month service.


Yup, some kind of GPS tracking on her car is called for. Also, a VAR in her car, well hidden, to catch her phone calls (or worse) happening in her car. But you'll have to be very careful to hide these items so she doesn't find them. She is already on the alert to your suspicions so she may well be looking under her seats to see if you've planted anything.

You can velcro a VAR up under the dashboard and run a plug in mic to where it will pick up her voice. For example, you can zip tie the mic cord to other bundles which will disguise it, and have the tiny mic itself right near an opening in the dashboard (like where the steering wheel column goes through). This way there is nothing new dangling under the dash for her to see unless she crawls under there with a flashlight. If your OBD port is recessed, you can buy plug-in gps units. It will look like just another car part to her, as long as you cover up any tell-tale labels and if the location is out of the way.

Search her car carefully. You're looking for anything untoward such as condoms, hotel/restaurant receipts that don't make sense, her underwear (I know someone who found his wife's panties under the front seat), hotel key cards, etc. You probably won't find anything, but look. Check all the cubbies and hidden compartments including the spare tire and jack. Same with her dresser and closet. Be sure everything goes back exactly as you found it.

It doesn't sound like she has a second cell phone, which is the primary thing one would search for. Still, it is worth searching all the pockets, purses, shoes, drawers, etc to see if there is anything definitive hidden.

Review all her credit card and bank statements for this time period. You're looking for anything unusual or new. Large cash withdrawals could be used to pay for hotels. Hotel charges or restaurants that don't make sense. Gas purchased in a location that doesn't match her normal locations (if she is going to another town to meet up with the guy).

Gus is on the right track with getting the electronics surveilled. That is your highest likelihood of getting definitive data. But do VAR in her car for sure. The other stuff completes the basic investigative process.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

F82,

Another factor her is that the OM is also a police officer, that can be a very strong fetish for a woman as I have seen numerous times.

Gym personnel ugh! that's ugly they tend to get a superiority complex since they view themselves as in better shape than everyone else.

On the other hand this guy will probably implode when you hit him with massive exposure to everyone in his life his ego will not be able to handle failure, he will label your WW a temptress and throw her under the bus to save himself.

Tamat


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, you're going to get your evidence. And you WILL get evidence, because she is DEFINITELY cheating on you.

Then what are you going to do??

I suggest you get STD tested stat. Then visit a lawyer and find out what you need to do to start the D. Quit thinking about R - very unlikely.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Does the heading of your thread mean she cheated once before? Or it is not again with deleting messages?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

F82 said:


> She recently changed the Itunes password (again, in her words to protect our 7 year old from innapropite texts).


 Why are you dancing around on this? Her saying that she changed the password "to protect our 7 year old from inappropriate texts" from the other man, is an admission that the texts are inappropriate. Also, if it just to protect the 7 year old, why is she not letting you know the know the new password just like you use know the old one? You know enough already.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TRy said:


> Why are you dancing around on this? Her saying that she changed the password "to protect our 7 year old from inappropriate texts" from the other man, is an admission that the texts are inappropriate. Also, if it just to protect the 7 year old, why is she not letting you know the know the new password just like you use know the old one? You know enough already.


Nice catch


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

OP, remember that you don't have to prove anything to your wife about her affair. She already knows what she has done. 

You don't have to prove anything to the forum either, we already know she's having an affair, the only question is how bad is it. 

The evidence you are gathering is for you, and only you can decide how much proof you need. Some guys would already be convinced their wife was in a PA from what you've typed above. Others wouldn't believe their own eyes if they caught their wives in bed with OM.

So stop confronting her and stop discussing it.

What is your plan for when you find out she's done everything with this guy?


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

You know she is cheating and you know she is going to see this guy again. Yes, dig into whatever evidence you can scrape off of her phone but now is the time to prepare a sting of some sort for their next rendezvous. Maybe a VAR in her car and maybe some GPS monitoring of her whereabouts will get you the confirmation you need to get a confession out of her. I think you need proof positive yourself because no man wants to believe his wife is/will/has cheated and your mind will toss up a lot of doubts and rationalizations in an attempt to protect yourself from the truth. 

As a BH myself let me tell you how much I sympathize and empathize with what you are going through. No matter how painful and humiliating all of this is you need to be able to confide in someone about it. I urge you to find a counselor and start working with him/her as soon as possible.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Why you haven't gone to the gym is a complete mystery to me. Have a chat with the boss directly in front of your wife, let OM know exactly what happens if he invaded your family. Turn to your wife and let her know that she hasn't handled this appropriately so now you will. Let them know you will take the story public if need be, so all contact should be strictly professional. Then walk out. If any contact continues fill out divorce papers in front of your wife.


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