# Mis-matched Drives



## In the Rough (Sep 5, 2012)

I have been reading this site for years and found it very helpful. Hoping to find some personal help with our recurring problem. This seems to come up a few times a year.

DH is HD (daily if it were up to him) and I am very LD (once a month, if that). He does not get the LD perspective that I’m just not interested naturally. He takes it personally no matter how much I try to explain. Many times he is able to get me in the mood when I don't start out that way.

I thought we found a happy medium after having our LO in the summer of 2011. We dtd 1-2 times a week. He always initiates. He initiates 2-3x as much as it actually happens which gets frustrating for both of us. 

Now today he tells me that this is not a happy medium, he wants more. When I try to reason it out he gets frustrated and says never mind. Well, I know better. That will only breed resentment. Need some advice on how to approach this and how to solve this once and for all with him feeling satisfied and me not feeling like sex is all he cares about. We’re both nearing mid-thirties and I thought for sure his drive would be slowing down by now lol!

1.	Where does the compromise line get drawn? If I were to up it to 2-3 times per week just to make him happy, does he come back months from now and want more again?
2.	Am I wrong in thinking that 1-2 times a week is a fair compromise given our respective drives?
3.	We have horrible communication, we both take things extremely personally. I want to approach this constructively but have already gotten the “never mind” response once. How can I overcome this and keep working toward a solution? 

Any advice is appreciated.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

A couple of suggestions come to mind....

1) try it everyday! Tell him he is free to try and get you in the mood, and be open to it. do it for at least two weeks, see if that makes a difference.

2) Does it always have to be sex? Can you compromise with a sex "act" such a bj or hj everyday?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

This is a common post on TAM. The issues if I understand you is that you need/want sex once a month and your happy. He needs/wants sex probably 5+ a week or more and he's happy. So at one to two times week you are making what you feel is a large compromise and he feels the same way as he wants at least twice as much as he's getting per week. The mathematical equation for happiness is as follows ( x + y) * ba / by + KY = H. I'm kidding of course. 

You feel pestered, he feels rejected. 
How often do you initiate? 
Do you have quickies? 
Hj's or Bj's for him? 
Does he give you space if you ask for some? 
Do you have any kind of agreement in place for appropriate times to ask for sex?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Is he taking care of your emotional needs? 
For example, before my marital...issues, I usually stayed up with my wife at least 3x a week, just talking and cuddling with her. Or is he just wanting to have sex, then roll over and fall asleep? 
If if is the latter, you may want to bring it up. 
Tell him you will be more in the mood if he is willing to give you that emotional intimacy that you want. 

Or other needs and issues. 
Who does all the house work, and takes care of the kids (if you have any)? Because if you are I bet that is a work load! Maybe try asking him to take over a few responsibilities. Like, helping you with dinner. Like, folding the laundry. Like helping the kids with homework. It will give you some relaxation time, and we all need that.

Or is it you two no longer have any special 'us' time?
At least once a week, my wife and I gave each other a massage. Very intimate, very personal, and brings you two very close. And lets you two just be together. 
Or is it due to a lack of affection?
Maybe try giving him some affection, to give him some examples, and ask him to reciprocate. And he should (hopefully) return it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

ItR,
His drive will not slow for a long time. Best to try to find an arrangement that you both actually feel good about. 

You can and should reach a compromise that is stable. This should not be a situation where you agree to more, and he keeps coming back with more pressure. 

Does he make the effort to get you in the mood? Does he succeed most of the time? Or does he get sexual too quickly before you are really ready? 

If he is being selfish, you can dig in and explain what you need him to do, if he wants more frequency. 

Does he listen to you/ask you questions about what you like and don't like in bed? 

Are you giving him clear signals about when you are receptive to him initiating vs. when you really do NOT want to connect? Or is this a case of him trying every single day and after a 4-7 days he is getting annoyed and you just give in to avoid a fight?

What would he say if you told him that you were going to have some type of signal that let him know you were off limits that night. And that he needs to NOT ignore that. And that as long as he doesn't pressure you on those nights, you will make sure to have at least X nights a week where you will let him get you turned on and going. 










In the Rough said:


> I have been reading this site for years and found it very helpful. Hoping to find some personal help with our recurring problem. This seems to come up a few times a year.
> 
> DH is HD (daily if it were up to him) and I am very LD (once a month, if that). He does not get the LD perspective that I’m just not interested naturally. He takes it personally no matter how much I try to explain. Many times he is able to get me in the mood when I don't start out that way.
> 
> ...


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## danielpreciad (Sep 6, 2012)

Tell him he is free to try and get you in the mood,


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Think I'll answer you questions backwards:

_We have horrible communication, we both take things extremely personally. I want to approach this constructively but have already gotten the “never mind” response once. How can I overcome this and keep working toward a solution? _

Okay...this is the tricky first hurdle...because you two are necessarily facing this problem on "unequal" footing. 

See, you can be a bit more "detached" from it personally...I mean, you're "DESIRED" right?...whereas he's not...so he feels his masculinity/self-worth/etc gets invariably "assaulted" whenever you want to talk about a compromise to make up for your lack of spontaneous desire...

That's why he feels uncomfortable and would rather say "never-mind"

BUT...provided he's not extremely stubborn and close-minded...a few trips to forums such as this one...would surely REASSURE him...that this is not about "HIM" personally...and that really this is just cruel joke of Nature...*we are all *slaves to biology...your husband's inherent desire and your inherent lack of desire...BOTH stem from forces beyond conscious control

But Conscious control... conscious action to address the problem is found *COMPROMISE*...that's one of our lucky human abilities that allows us to "correct" a natural problem

So that's my suggestion...through books/internet/etc...he needs depersonalize it (and heck...he's luckier than A LOT of men...he's got a wife that wants to try and meet him somewhere in the middle)



_2.	Am I wrong in thinking that 1-2 times a week is a fair compromise given our respective drives?_

Maybe so, maybe no

It depends.


_Where does the compromise line get drawn? _


So once you're both willing to compromise, this is where it gets drawn:

Wherever *each* of you feel that *the other* has given up an *EQUAL AMOUNT* of their position

And there are MANY factors that will come into play in deciding this...in fact all facets of your husband and what he "offers" you in this marriage and in being your husband...and the same for him regarding you...although this usually happens primarily on a "visceral"/"gut" level.

Basically, we have to remember that all of us are inherently over-grown children...we want everything to be FAIR...and if we think that we have had to *give up too much*...then resentment grows beneath the surface (as it does in MANY MANY marriages)...and then sometimes, we pout like children...or worse...until marriages break up

So, the answer is going to be: whatever "feels" fair to each of you

And only you two can answer that (well, I hope anyway...this stuff isn't easy)

Good Luck!!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

While it is about compromise, another way to look at it is that he'd like it 30 times a month and your good with 1 time a month.

He originally compromised by reducing his drive by 22. You increased your drive by 7. Do you see the disparity?

Also, do you ever intiate? Guys to want to be physically desired by their wives. We want you to really WANT us. Call it male ego or whatever by when my wife intiates (rarely) I am on top of the world!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

deejov said:


> A couple of suggestions come to mind....
> 
> 1) try it everyday! Tell him he is free to try and get you in the mood, and be open to it. do it for at least two weeks, see if that makes a difference.
> 
> 2) Does it always have to be sex? Can you compromise with a sex "act" such a bj or hj everyday?


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It is very very hurtful for our husbands to not feel desired by us.... most especially if he is a *sensitive* man... Also be careful -it can breed a slow growing resentment in him. I happened to my own husband...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

As a woman I have been on both sides (never LD but not antsy drive -because I was always fullfilled)...then coming into a HD that surpassed my husband .... had I felt he didn't desire me, I swear it would have destructed our marrage.....it would have been that emotionally devestating to me -just thinking about it .

Men are so very patient sometimes, I don't know how they manage!! 

If he wants to feel that glorious connection 5 times a week, if he is giving you what you need emotionally....really what is a Hand job for 10 minutes in the am or a BJ -to bring him to the heights of pleasure ~ feeling his wife is there with him. It is all in the spirit of love, isn't it -giving to another -because it means so much to him. Does he do things like this for you -go shopping with you, hold you at night, watch movies with you, listen, is he a good man? 


Our attitudes in sex, with a little







delivers the world to our men. .... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html


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## In the Rough (Sep 5, 2012)

Well talks are stalled because yesterday he informed me he can shop elsewhere if I’m done with him. Nice. 

I’m going to try and address everyone here without getting too rambly. 

I would be up for trying every day for two weeks. Of course, not under the threat of infidelity so we’re aways off from that and I also wonder, to what end? 

I am Type A to a fault. As silly as it is, Toffer, thank you for putting it in those terms for me. I can see that it is unbalanced.

To answer some questions. I do not initiate. Honestly, I don’t have to because he’s asking all of the time. HJs are always an option, BJs on special occasions but my least favorite thing (I don’t enjoy the reverse for myself either really). He will give me space but a lot of the time it’s not without a guilt trip. Before I got pregnant, he stopped all initiation for period of time. It was up to me and only me. I was still able to keep up with 1-2x per week but not much more and it did wane after awhile.

We’ve talked about the necessity of the emotional connection (holding hands without pressure for sex, sitting on the couch together, laying in bed watching tv together, etc.) in order for me to be more in the mood in counseling a couple years back. He very easily forgets it and I’m not good about being direct in reminding him. 

Housework is not an issue. We have a 1 year old. It’s darn near a 50/50 split as far as work with our son and work around the house. I do a little more with our son, he does a little more around the house. It’s taken the full year to get to the point where we both feel we have a fair arrangement in this area.

DH is very good about giving massages, I am not. I should be better, I know he likes them too. We have a date night once every couple weeks. 



MEM, he very often approaches it bluntly as “are we having sex tonight?” Sometimes as early as 8am via text while we’re both at work. He can get me in the mood but usually uses sexual means to do so. I’d say a lot of the time that succeeds but is not ideal for either of us. 

It’s hard to talk about what I do/don’t like, most of it is taken as a slight against him. Clear signals, I think so but probably not. I mean, when he can succeed in getting me into the mood after I’ve already said no, that’s not really a clear signal right? 

It is mostly a case of him trying every single day and after a 4-7 days he is getting annoyed and I just give in to avoid a fight. But at the same time, once I give in I enjoy it. I don’t enjoy turning him down, I know it hurts. 

I’m not sure what he would say to a “no” signal. Given that it hasn’t been very successful thus far. I will pose the question when we’re back in a place that we’re communicating.



IndiaInk, you’ve hit the nail. He’s not feeling desired. It’s attacking his masculinity. As far as the masculinity subject, I am also the breadwinner. I know his ego takes a huge hit as a result (we discussed in counseling in the past). He is very stubborn, I doubt he’d visit this type of forum (I’ve never been able to get him to read Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs or anything like that) but I would love for him to understand that some of our problem is the nature of the beast.


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## In the Rough (Sep 5, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It is very very hurtful for our husbands to not feel desired by us.... most especially if he is a *sensitive* man... Also be careful -it can breed a slow growing resentment in him. I happened to my own husband...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html
> 
> ...


The resentment is a big issue, I know it is. He is an expert at stuffing things down inside and then they all just explode. I think that’s where we’re at now. I need to do a better job of identifying what I need emotionally so that he can meet those needs. 

He does the things you mention when I ask, usually with the expectation of sex at the end. Neither of us are good listeners. 

10 minutes for a HJ is nothing, really. I do see your point. I will read the two threads you linked.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In the Rough said:


> It is mostly a case of him trying every single day and after a 4-7 days he is getting annoyed and I just give in to avoid a fight.


I used to be a HD (I'm old now - LOL) and I'd get seriously cranky after 4-7 days without sex. My husband and I compromised at 3 times a week. I still wanted more but this was acceptable to me. It worked out to about every other day. That I could live with. 1-2 times a week wasn't enough for me.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It does sound like his ego \ self esteem is affected by this. (and rejection will do that to both women and men).

Another comment I will add is trying to come to an agreement during that two weeks of sex everyday --- one day you initiate, the next day he does. And you stick to it. 

That gives him insight into how to arouse you, and you into him. 
Takes the rejection out of it, and lets you both relax a little bit. 

The book His Needs Her Needs is available on audio disc, good car "music" or you can both listen to it at home.

Or you can find the Emotional Needs Quiz online and do that together too, which might give him some insight into your needs and how to tap into that.

Some people just aren't "readers".


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

In the Rough said:


> The resentment is a big issue, I know it is. He is an expert at stuffing things down inside and then they all just explode. I think that’s where we’re at now. I need to do a better job of identifying what I need emotionally so that he can meet those needs.


He should read No More Mr. Nice Guy and the MMSL (book + forum).

I'm HD and my W is zero to low drive. She "gives in" usually twice/week. I can tell you from my experience that his resentment will continue to build if the two of you stay on this path. At some point, he'll likely give up and stop trying.

He should not have told you that he is going to shop elsewhere, but that is a risk. He may have no plan to cheat on you, but from what you describe here, he may be an easy target for a woman who boosts his ego and gives him attention.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why does he want so much sex?

He wants to feel loved and appreciated, and wants to express it.

It's something sacred to a man.

If your man feels that you are connected to his feelings on this issue, and you can find other ways to make him feel loved and appreciated, this will go a long way to reduce his need for constant sex.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

In the Rough said:


> Well talks are stalled because yesterday he informed me he can shop elsewhere if I’m done with him. Nice.
> 
> *Keep in mind that this IS the resentment starting to grow!*
> 
> ...


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Toffer said:


> In the Rough said:
> 
> 
> > Well talks are stalled because yesterday he informed me he can shop elsewhere if I’m done with him. Nice.
> ...


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## In the Rough (Sep 5, 2012)

We had possibly one of the most productive conversations we’ve ever had on this subject last night. He apologized for the cheating remark and said he knew it was way out of bounds and is never something he’d consider. I do understand the frustration, I really do. I apologized for making him feel like he is not good enough, because that’s the effect all of this is having on him. I overstated his drive a bit, he said every other day is closer to reality. 



*So be direct! Also, if he's making an attempt to do these things more, shouldn't the sex also increase? Is it possible that he thinks "Heck, I'm doing all she asked and yet we're still at 1 or 2x a week. Why bother?"*

IF the attempt is made, naturally the desire would follow. I do need to be more direct in telling him exactly what I need. We covered a lot of that ground last night, for both me and him. 

*It sure sounds as if he REALLY needs to jump through hoops to get you going. Why is that?*

I respectfully disagree. I simply can’t go from 0-60. I need a little…flirting first. He gets that and I told him he is always welcome to get me in the mood unless I give the signal MEM mentioned. I posed it the same way MEM did. Here’s the signal but in spite of that I will make sure we connect at least 3 times a week. I also promised not to use the word no.


*If you really want to start to turn things around, try intiating for the whole 2 weeks of sex thing. Tell him that he may talk about going elsewhere but by the time you're finished with him, he'll be lucky if he can walk straight. Then DO IT!*

I’m a bit more conservative than this wording but I made the offer of two weeks, whenever wherever. He of course pointed out that he’d like me to initiate sometimes as well and I am going to do so. 





Dreald said:


> And not to be mean, but it sounds as though you're somewhat self-centered in the bedroom. If you get annoyed with him trying to initiate sex (and assuming he's interested in giving you as much pleasure as he receives), then how would you feel if he stopped doing so? Do you not see this as exactly what you're doing to him?


Sigh. You’re right. I need to step outside of myself and consider his needs first. 


I thank everyone for your replies. I did read them before our discussion last night and they helped tremendously.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

In the Rough said:


> I have been reading this site for years and found it very helpful. Hoping to find some personal help with our recurring problem. This seems to come up a few times a year.
> 
> DH is HD (daily if it were up to him) and I am very LD (once a month, if that). He does not get the LD perspective that I’m just not interested naturally. He takes it personally no matter how much I try to explain. Many times he is able to get me in the mood when I don't start out that way.
> 
> ...


I seriously just got scared looking at this post. I thought you might anonymously be my wife. Maybe you should look at my post for a man's perspective on the same problem.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

In the Rough said:


> We had possibly one of the most productive conversations we’ve ever had on this subject last night. He apologized for the cheating remark and said he knew it was way out of bounds and is never something he’d consider. I do understand the frustration, I really do. I apologized for making him feel like he is not good enough, because that’s the effect all of this is having on him. I overstated his drive a bit, he said every other day is closer to reality.
> 
> *This is really great news for you two. I am sure it will be helpful to both of you! Keep the lines open!*
> 
> ...


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