# Husband & Wife - United Front & Support



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

It's said that husband and wife when making marriage vows they put each other above everyone and everything else. That they become each other's main family so that no one else could come between them.

So that even if we don't always agree with our spouses, we should still side with them and support them to protect their vulnerability in front of others, and discuss our disagreements behind.


What are your thoughts about this? And your experiences in your own marriage?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

In general this is true but it does depend on the level of disagreement. If the spouse is saying or doing something that is very dangerous or immoral then no you need to take the necessary stand, else yes - discuss behind closed doors and have a united front in front of others.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

^ ^ ^

:iagree: with manfromlamancha...

Of course, when we take a vow we swear to put our partner's needs above all others; have their back, stand up for them, choose THEIR side.

HOWEVER...

This is all within reason. As long as BOTH parties have each other's BEST interests at heart. You don't "sign away" your life to support a deadbeat, a criminal, someone who is engaging in nefarious behavior.

The vows are only sincere when BOTH partners are trying to be the best people they can be, live a life that honors BOTH people, isn't engaging in sneaky, dishonest, behind-your-back behavior. If that is occurring, all bets are off. Then it is no longer a VOW but rather a BETRAYAL of that vow.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

With the possible exception of matters of parenting, I'm not a big fan of the "united front" philosophy.

My wedding vows didn't include any clause to present an artificial unified face to the world, or that we wouldn't have differences of opinion, even important ones, that I have to swallow in the name of the good of the marriage. If you, my wife, ask me for my opinion in front of a group of strangers, you'll get whatever I think, not what you might want me to say.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

I believe spouses should have each others' backs, even taking the heat for them when it comes to in-laws. BECAUSE, your family's loyalty is to you, they LOVE you and want the best for you. If you tell them something about your spouse that they might frown upon or make them see how it makes you "unhappy" and IF you plan on staying together--because you forgive them, or it's not a deal breaker, or whatnot, BUT, your family will not be so eager to forgive and forget. You run the risk of creating discourse where there should be none. It is easier for your life to have your family like your spouse. If you decide to get a divorce, tattle away THEN!

My husband and I have been married 30 years. No kids. He'd have been a great dad and would've liked to have had kids, but I got more ambivalent as we got older. I was baby crazy about 5 yrs into our marriage, after grad school and purchase of first house--we bought in the best school district, "just in case", but hubby wasn't ready due to demands in his career. Next relocation and another new house--AGAIN in the most expensive (taxes) school district for the kids that I thought would happen then.....but they didn't come along. I was only on BC the first few years of marriage during grad school when we couldn't have afforded one. After that, I put it in "God's hands". I always believed "be careful little girl what you wish for, you might get it." I became afraid of wanting them too much and then something be wrong with the baby (as an older mom), too. Also, I've never thought anyone needed to have kids as a moral or social obligation--or to make my life have "meaning". I sort of adhered to the Rhythm method, but there were plenty of opportunities for an "accident" to happen (and it did once, but it ended after little more than 1 month, spontaneously). Anyway, in older age, I guess with a few regrets, hubby was asked by his family why we didn't have kids (he loved and doted on his nieces), and he said "you'll have to ask Tabitha about that....." And now his sister despises me and has no contact with us. Seriously. She decided I kept her favorite brother from experiencing life's greatest joy. She's someone who couldn't have children even with all kinds of trying to, so they had to adopt, so she surely would've understood that "it just didn't happen for us", but he didn't explain it, just laid it all on my shoulders. He should've had my back. And if he had, we'd probably have at least some sort of relationship with his sister and her family (his parents are gone) because I was always the one to keep in touch with them until she stopped answering my emails and didn't want us staying with them the last time we visited their hometown when their mom was in the hospital. 

On the other hand, I have a grand nephew who was very close to his family. In fact, when he married, they married in HIS hometown as opposed to his wife's (they'd moved a lot, so there wasn't really a childhood "hometown" for her, anyway). They settled in near his family for a couple of years. They get pregnant and all the sudden up and move 10 hrs away to be near HER family and sisters. I commiserated to my brother about how much it must've hurt them all to have his grandson move away and how hard it must be for the nephew, who'd never lived anywhere else, etc., and he said it'd all been Kirk's idea, not Anna's. I don't believe it for a second, but it showed great maturity on Kirk's part to shoulder the responsibility for the move. That way, none of the family blamed Anna for taking away their golden boy. Think how differently my brother and family might feel towards Anna if Kirk had said or acted otherwise. 

Hubby's niece and her husband had lived all their lives near their families, moving as a late-30s couple with 3 children several states away. Niece said her MIL didn't talk to her for a year because she blamed her for supporting the move (hubby's job opportunity). Sheesh. Families!

So yeah, keep your PERSONAL stuff/decisions/disagreements inside the 4 walls of your OWN house.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Tabitha said:


> Hubby was asked by his family why we didn't have kids (he loved and doted on his nieces), and he said "you'll have to ask Tabitha about that....." And now his sister despises me and has no contact with us.


No question that this was a crap move on the part of your husband. But I'd be surprised if this is the sole reason that your sister-in-law doesn't speak to you. It sounds like she doesn't speak to either one of you, so it seems like there must be other causes.

[rant]

If it is the sole reason, it sounds like the sister-in-law is jealous because you could have had kids if you had chosen (assuming you could), while she had to "settle" for adopting kids. As a father to four incredible adopted children, it pisses me off to no end that some adoptive parents treat adopted children like second-class family members simply because they weren't "born" into the family.

[/rant]


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

lilith23 said:


> It's said that husband and wife when making marriage vows they put each other above everyone and everything else. Agreed
> That they become each other's main family so that no one else could come between them. Agreed
> 
> So that even if we don't always agree with our spouses, we should still side with them and support them to protect their vulnerability in front of others. Disagree
> ...


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Jung_admirer said:


> Ex. You have a disagreement with your sister about who gets to use your parent's cottage this summer. You would expect your DH to support your position, even if he disagrees? This is a fusion model for marriage, seeing the partner as an extension of yourself. The fusion model is dysfunctional and eventually creates problems for individuation (psychological growth) because you are a distinct person separate from your partner.


If the husband doesn't agree in this case (he might not want to be there this summer, or other reason), perhaps he could tell her (wife) that they'd need to discuss this later first before concluding anything? Thought if this it's just about this then involving the spouse might sound immature.

But for example @Tabitha gave a good example of how a spouse could protect his/her spouse. And it's not even for the spouse's sake but also maintaining the spouse-family relationship sake.

I guess that it really depends on the context and case, thought I'd need more opinions and experience to conclude.


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