# Decent thing to do?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Having now seperated with my wife no longer having any desire to even bother with working on our marriage anymore I've recently decided to embrace single life and hence find friends with benefits as I'm done with relationships.

However, I seem to be c-ckblocking myself at present, maybe it's good though, because I'm taking my time and not rushing into things. But... I can't have friends with benefits arrangements if I'm wary about having sex!!! 

After some thought, I've isolated the mental block to lingering loyalty that I have for my STBXW. I have no idea whether she's found someone else herself, but nor have we mentioned anyone else thus far. I wonder if it's only fair that I let her know subtly that I'm moving on (and possibly find out if she's moved on too) sexually...

That way, I guess I can ram anyone I please without feeling bad about it! But... how about her feelings? I can just keep it quiet sure - as she doesn't need to know that does she? Or does she? What is the decent thing to do? :scratchhead:


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Random Dude, I've followed some of your progression. Here's my take. You have been damaged by your STBXW. I'm sorry about your circumstances, but really, you need to wait until your fully D. You also need to seek IC. Why, because you are damaged goods right now. Really, she has worked you over. Please wait before you begin a new relationship or a FWB to make sure you are whole. I wish you only the best in the future. I hope you can find someone who truly appreciates you. Please take your time in moving forward. You are a really neat person, but you need to find yourself again. Give yourself the gift of time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I know I'm messed up, and even if I heal, I doubt I want to meet my second ex-wife, hence why I'm going for FWBs from now on and for the rest of my life. But I'm worst off doing nothing just pulling myself and having depressing dreams when my subconscious reminds me of what I've lost.

To reinforce my conscious decision to move on, I need to channel my sexual energy to be more active, idleness is doing my head in. As I can agree that I'm already f--ked in the head, FWBs is the only way I can get over it. The damages are internal, I'm still fit, young, and healthy with a healthy sexual drive. As long as I maintain my boundaries with FWBs and back out with warning signs - as I have so far - avoiding the women who are potentially emotionally threatening, I'm confident I should be fine. I don't need to be whole in FWBs and to be honest it's part of my healing plan to pick up all the pieces.

Full divorce will have to be next year, it's stupid Australian law - we have to live seperately for a year before the courts will consider it. I can't wait till then wasting away in my apartment, and I hope to the heavens that I don't find anyone who even dares appreciate me because not only am I damaged goods, but I sure as hell ain't going to mess up someone's life just as I've done with my STBX.

FWB arrangements will satisfy my lust/desire and hence keep my subconscious from invading my conscious thoughts and decisions, and my conscious decisions is to remain hardened until I'm feeling better enough to allow myself emotional freedom.


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

You are separated. You're not going to attempt to reconcile?
Then the question, 'decent thing to do' is not applicable.

You don't need to tell her and you don't need to know about her, except in regards to children.


The feeling of lingering loyalty is just that, a feeling.
When you've properly disconnected you won't have that feeling.
It will go away. Or you just have to live with it. 
The emotions life throws at you just need to be grasped and put in their rightful place.

I think it's a maturing process and it never ends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure how things are in Australia but over here in the U.S., there will be some sort of property settlement. If that's the case there, I would try to avoid opportunities to get attached to another woman. If you screw up and fall in love, you will be more motivated to end the marriage than your wife and you will get the crap end of the stick. If someone has to meet someone new and fall "in love", let it be your wife so she ends up being the most motivated party and she gets to sign a disadvantageous agreement. You have loads of time after the divorce to hook up.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So it's just lingering feeling? I guess there's nothing wrong of me for doing the deed then eh? Except for my own messed up feelings of course. Heh in that case I'd better get started ASAP! 

Thanks for that, now I can move forward with a clear conscience! She doesn't need to know, and I don't think she deserves to know anyway what I do now.

As for settlement, we've already taken care of that, and we're not fighting financially, in fact, we're in agreement and on the road to a drama-free divorce. As for reconciliation, we've already attempted to reconcile, it didn't work out in the end. Everything was going good until I just had the brilliant idea to attempt to lift a sexual prohibition in our sex life on V-day that was supposed to illustrate that I did want to satisfy her desires. 

Unfortunately during that night she proved herself incapable of respecting safewords, and in the resulting fight, she figured "I'm still the same", that I always start fights and ruin a good thing, and that she didn't expect me to be "such a wimp" - her words exactly.

After it was clear that I was going to accept nothing less than a full apology for refusing to obey my safewords, she figured that I am apparently too arrogant and too fixed in my ways to change and that she's not going to "kowtow" to me any longer, so she decided enough is enough and I just went "meh, whatever", so now we're heading for divorce with no more "what ifs", it's over.

But nevermind that, past is past


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Hi RandomDude, first up sorry for what happened to you. Since you've already decided to NOT work out the relationship anymore, i think the best thing to do is to just be happy. I mean you're damaged goods, you can now start to enjoy your freedom. This means not having to worry anymore about what decent thing to do or thinking about your ex's feelings. Just totally cut ties with her, don't think about her. And don't do this as a revenge for her. Do it for yourself. Just be happy again living life without any worries. All the best, mae


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I wouldn't recommend going the FWB's path. Not too many women are going to be able to honestly do that and not fall for you at some point. You would be playing with too many emotions. And since you have already been through a lot, I don't see it helping anything except for filling your desire for sexual gratification.

However, if you do choose this route, what is your plan? And by that I mean....are you planning on just using online dating sites to find FWB's specifically? Or are you going to search for good women, and use them to get your gratification?

I'm not trying to assume things or try to make you feel bad. Just curious of course.


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> I wouldn't recommend going the FWB's path. Not too many women are going to be able to honestly do that and not fall for you at some point. You would be playing with too many emotions. And since you have already been through a lot, I don't see it helping anything except for filling your desire for sexual gratification.
> 
> However, if you do choose this route, what is your plan? And by that I mean....are you planning on just using online dating sites to find FWB's specifically? Or are you going to search for good women, and use them to get your gratification?
> 
> I'm not trying to assume things or try to make you feel bad. Just curious of course.


Not wanting to answer for RANDOM DUDE but i take his posts and see his process as he is looking for FWB's....that would be a mutual understanding between the two and she would be on board for the same thing. 

In order for a FWB situation to work though, they both have to be will to back out immediately if unwanted feelings develop and the other has to be willing to accept it if the other bails quickly.

Sounds easy, sounds good....but i believe it would be harder to manage in reality.

I don't think he would be actively trying or willing to "search for good women, and use them to get your gratification?"


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, what RandomGuy said is what I intend, I'm not the type to lead people on. It's a little harder because many women especially around my age are still hopeful for relationships, but I'd rather the difficulty of finding an honest FWB arrangement then to lead them on thinking I'm emotionally available which I'm not.

I haven't done anything thus far yet with the girls either than meeting up casually but haven't made my move due to this lingering feeling for my STBXW, but I'm heading out tonight and if the women I've met thus far prove to be unsuitable for FWB arrangements then I can always find a new batch of numbers on Friday, it's a big city, just have to find them.

It's easier in a way that I'm not even half as picky as I would be if I was looking for something more, I just care about whether they are sexually desirable, and open to such an arrangement, uninterested in emotional investment just like me, and that's it. Don't care about anything else, but harder as well due to the reasons mentioned above.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

IMHO FWB relationships are way more drama and work than actual relationships and almost never work well for both parties. Enter at your own risk


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Make sure there's on confusion with your ex if you need to and then move on knowing that she can do the same.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Maybe I should have started up a poll, "Do I clear the air with STBX or leave it as it is?"

I'm not going back to what I had, though a part of me still misses the good times all 3 of us including our daughter shared as a loving family. My daughter still also loves her mum very much and spends most of the week with her. But as for reconciliation, no, if she was still interested she would have done something by now, but I don't sense any anger in her no more, just indifference - like how I'm feeling. In other words - we're dead, time to move on.

So... should I still let her know so she can be free herself (if she isn't already - who knows) and to overcome this feeling I have? Or should I move on with a clear conscience regardless?

As for the potential dramas in FWBs I'm quite confident in maintaining the "rules of engagement" so to speak and was quite experienced in the past in enforcing them (see my FWB thread), as for finding someone who can appreciate me, I sure as hell hope not. 

I don't want that, I'll be happy with just a few warm bodies throughout the week to satisfy my subconscious desires so I can focus on my life without the nasty depressing lonely times I have in the wake of my loss.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Whether you clear the air with your ex makes doesn't matter. It's probably a good idea to clear the air with your daughter's mother. You and her are connected forever so it might as well be amicable and understood.

A kid with parents who don't comunicate well and stand unified with each other about how they raise the kids, can get away with murder.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

But I shouldn't mention what I'm doing/planning to be doing right? I don't know... then again I don't really know what else to say to her either than the usual banter about our kid and our arrangements week to week.

Anyways, I think I botched up my recent dates, I've been too indecisive about this hence was unsure where to take it, think the "rhythm" has been lost, but I dunno, might as well just lay out the cards and see what happens with them. I'll try again on Friday and pick up a new batch of numbers and go on more dates next week to find new potential FWBs


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Maybe you should slow down. I realize you're a healthy male. But, part of the problem in the past seems to have been sex without intimacy. Now, you are looking for more of the same. Maybe you will find more satisfaction if you find out who you are, what your needs really are, and work towards a new relationship that is healthy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sure it feels 100x better when one's fking someone they love, but intimacy has too high a price tag, and it might not even be real - as was the case with my STBX, which I've learnt with my impending divorce. It rips out your heart, your wallet, and your will to push on. 

I'm happy settling with casual sex, the thought of a new relationship is a joke to me. I've dwelled for the last 2 months on trying to find myself again, but found that I don't need intimacy after all, I just need to shut out my subconscious thoughts that tells me I do. But my thoughts just need a release, and it can't work with just the hand.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Any type of new relationship is hard after being married and it did not work out, would not matter if it was dating or a FWB situation. However, since you are not going to reconcile, and if you are not going to introduce your kids to any of the people you are talking to I would NOT mention anything you were doing in your personal life to your ex.. Just give yourself some time, it all comes back to you eventually, and having sex is not going to cure all the insecurities you have from what you went through in your marriage.. make new friends, have some fun.. and if it happens it happens!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like I'll have to make a decision then, keep it under wraps or clear the air. Well, then again, guess with us still being on business terms I think I can get away with keeping it under wraps. Besides I don't really want to know who SHE's been fking as well.

Would probably make me all pushy and vengeful to "even out the score" if I knew about it. Best I don't know! Ignorance is bliss I guess.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think something that's missing from this equation is - how are you planning on handling all these FWB when you have your daughter over? Are you planning on having a revolving door of random women over when she's visiting?

I think I'd caution against that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It shouldn't be a problem; only on the weekends am I certain that I have my daughter over, and I'm busy enough with her so I won't be inviting anyone over on the weekends. Even during the weekdays when I pick her up to stay after school I can easily cancel sessions with FWBs.

She doesn't just show up out of nowhere, she's too young to travel on her own and my STBX isn't exactly breaking and entering into my apartment lol - so I'm certain I can keep my FWB arrangements away from my daughter.

The only one who will know of the random women coming in and out of my apartment will be my cat!


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