# Thinking of making her a "Our Story" almub - good idea?



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

My wife and I have been friends for 13 years and married for 10, we have 2 children (3 and 6). This Feb she told me she told me she did not love me any more (in response to my query, it just came out). After 2-3 weeks she said she wanted a divorce. Presently we are living separately after returning from abroad where we were living and getting settled in apartments and kids schedule etc. The de-facto situation is we share the kids half/half during the week and alternate weekends. We have not yet started the formal process but she has been adamant on a divorce and I have no reason to believe she changed her mind. I am going along with it (what else can I do), doing my 180, being helpful, supportive, a good father, etc etc.

Anyway, my question is this. I was thinking of making her a photo album of all our shared moments over the years. Yes, I am hoping this will stir up some emotion and hopefully thought from her side. We had a good relationship, but the last 1-2 years were stressful and hard (I worked too much, was depressed, neglected her emotionally - all my bad). The question is, is this a good idea? Or will it be seen as an attempt at manipulation? (granted it may be but that is semantics I think). I am holding on to a box of albums and photos that I will anyway return to her, I just don't know if she will take the time to sit and go through them (or stick them in the attic) and even if so, if it would have the same effect as a nice album.

Of course the other question is timing (if at all), whether now, during the mediation sessions (but before the actual divorce), or maybe even after?

Thanks for your views


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I don't think you should do it. 

This is not part of the 180 and personally if the roles were reversed and my spouse gave me that, I would equate it to a show of weakness, much akin to begging and pleading for the marriage.

Based on the little you posted here, it sounds like she checked out of the marriage long before she decided to tell you. Most women who do this never come back.

Sorry


----------



## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey there...

I did this last year for my 8th anniversary. I picked out 8 special photos from the 8 years we were married--one from each year. I made a little book out of construction paper, ribbon, markers, glue, etc. It looked like a 3rd graders made it, ...but, it was special to me and from the heart. I spent a lot of time on it too. I wrote a little note for every picture about why I felt it was special, what memory the picture brought up to me, and what I felt when I looked at the photo. 

I titled it "8"...but, then I played up the number "8" to make it look like an infinity symbol. ...I know, ...it was super dorky. 


At the time, my then-husband was at the heart of his emotional affair...and I made the book in hopes of reminding him of what we had together...I wanted to remind him of all that we had been through together...how we were best friends for the past 18 years (we dated 10 years before we got married)...how we were _meant_ for each other. 

I gave him the book. He didn't really say much about it. I think he eventually told me that it was "touching"...but, that was pretty much it. 

I am not sure that it really had an effect on him...but, I don't really regret doing it. It was how I felt at the time...it was who I was...I loved him, and I wanted to express that at the time. ...and I soooooo wanted him to feel that love. I wanted him to feel how much I loved him in his heart. 

I have no idea if it pushed him further away. I don't think that it did, really. Perhaps it just made him feel a little more guilty about what he was doing? ...but, I think that was only temporary....because, he continued with his affair and eventually left me for good.

But, I have no regrets about laying my heart on the line. It was who I was, and I was true to that. I wasn't really cool throughout this process, and I did freely share what my heart was feeling with my husband probably more than other people would have recommended when going through this process. But, I definitely don't regret that. 

I played the fool. ...but, at least I tried. 

I don't really have any good advice to give you, but I do think it is important to follow your heart sometimes. I think more often that not, people end up regretting their _inactions_, rather than their actual _actions_.

However, if you are going to lay your heart on the line, you need to make sure that you can handle it emotionally if you are rejected. You need to make sure you can handle the consequences.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

eyesopen said:


> Anyway, my question is this. I was thinking of making her a photo album of all our shared moments over the years. Yes, I am hoping this will stir up some emotion and hopefully thought from her side.


Doting on her like this at this point will likely have an opposite reaction from what you are looking for. It will make you appear desperate, weak and needy. Tried that myself in early R and crashed an burned.


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

if you were to do it, I would do it after the divorce ...as a form of closure for yourself...add extra pages to the back, and fill it up as you make new memories, as you experience positive things in your new life...or screw the old pages and just start a new album full of new positive memories..

Good luck and God Bless...


----------

