# How to get through the weekends...



## nuk (Apr 11, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated for six weeks now and I am still in the dark. The only contact we have had during the six weeks have been two emails apiece. In her last email she said that she was attending IC, as am I. She claimed to miss me and then proceeded to list what she would like for me to work on in counseling. Yet, she refuses to go to couples counseling just yet. I have no clue how long she plans to stay separated (I heard six-months from her parents) but she hasn't said anything. This entire situation just seems bizarre to me and the limbo is making things even worse. During the work week I am thinking about her but don't feel as panicked as I do during the weekends. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Does anybody have any advice as to how I can get through the weekends without driving myself crazy? Being with friends or leaving the house doesn't help much, I still have the strong feelings of loss that pain me when I am home. I am also wondering why she is keeping me in limbo for so long. Our separation was instigated by emotional distance as I was working a lot and took her for granted.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

I'm going through the same thing. Getting to the 6th week myself. At least your wife says she misses you. My wife instead got emotional over the idea that she had of me locking her out of the house b/c I would be angry that she found an apartment. Was genuinely upset and crying. I explained that that was never an option b/c i'm trying to be open to work on us and not shut her out. Turned out that she was emotional then b/c if I did she couldn't move all her stuff out when I was away. She did this yesterday. Took everything she owned, big and small, even insignificant things. Left all our photo albums, framed pictures of us and sentimental things I've given her. She wouldn't meet me yesterday to talk about why, nor was she anything but monotone and short on words on the phone. She absolutely crushed me and my hopes for things improving. Everything she saw as hers is gone from the house now and i'm breaking down harder than ever b/c of it. She won't even give an explanation. We've had calls on scheduled days that have gone well. Pleasant and some laughs. But coming to get a few things turned into her becoming just cold-hearted and cleaning this place out of anything that was hers. Like she was never living here almost. We've both been to IC, I would hope she's still going, but she's so focused on personal gratification and happiness right now that I don't know where her mind is regarding us. She just left me behind after 9 yrs. Just like that. She's been my best friend for so long and I'm crying and beside myself that she could be so cruel by doing what she did this weekend. I don't even know her anymore. She's changed that much. We've talked about bettering ourselves before she'd be ready to go to C w/ me. But at least before I had hope that she meant that. I don't know what to think. I'm still raw about this emotionally right now. I'm going through all the same things you're going through and don't know how to get my mind off it. Being w/ friends doesn't help me much either b/c I'm just always thinking about her. I've been in limbo too, only to feel like she's just executing a drawn out plan to phase me out of her life. I hope that's not the case but every two weeks there's a new bomb dropped on me. I can't sleep well, always thinking of her and now seeing emptiness reminds me that she doesn't care about how I feel about anything. Sorry I've got no advice, just wanted to say you're not alone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

nuk said:


> I have no clue how long she plans to stay separated (I heard six-months from her parents) but she hasn't said anything.
> 
> I am also wondering why she is keeping me in limbo for so long.


There is no greater hell than Limbo World. I am convinced.

Talk to her. Ask her how long she wants to do the separation for and then tell her what your plan is. Limbo can end at any time, remember that. 

It's not fair for her to string you along but you also have a choice in the matter. 

Her resistance to couples counselling is very telling. Good for you for getting IC. Is she involved with someone else?

Regarding the weekends: It's very hard in the beginning to get out there and do stuff. But you just take it one step at a time. I know that sounds cliche-d and you probably dont want to hear that, but it's true. If you don't feel like going out, don't. If you do, go out. I was completely confined to my parents' guest bedroom the first three months of my separation. I had an apt I barely even went to. _I.Could.Not_ leave their guest bedroom and would sometimes just sit in the bed staring at the wall. One day I decided it was enough, went shopping and got in the store and just started crying. I could not be there. I crumbled and walked out of the store and back to my car. 

It's hard and it sucks but with time it DOES and WILL get better.


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## nuk (Apr 11, 2011)

Jellybeans and Lost, thank you both for your responses. Jelly, I agree with you 100% that there is no greater hell than limbo. I would talk to her but she will only correspond via email right now. I know that I have a choice and it is leaning towards leaving all together. I just want to be 100% sure. She did tell me in her email that she is getting IC on her own as well. There were never any signs of her involved with someone else while we were together. She was never really out of the house much and we were together a lot of the time. While I was working a lot, she was at home or at school most of the time. While at home, she and I would talk on the phone regularly while I was at work. I don't think there is someone else but of course, I can't be sure. I am wondering why she would write extremely long emails regarding what she would like for us to work on in regards to our marriage if she was seeing someone else and not just pull away all together. In regards to couples counseling, she did say that she would like to do it at some point but wants to do IC first. Not sure why. It is also odd that all she took from the home when she left was one suitcase and has left a majority of her things at the apt. However, I don't know exactly where she is and she has changed her phone number. Her parents are still in contact and she has spoken to my parents. It seems as though she wants to control the flow of communication between us. She did mention to my parents that she is concerned for our future when/if we have kids. She wants to make sure the problems between us are solved so we don't go through this type of stuff down the road. If you are ok with it, I would like to send you the email she sent and you could give me your thoughts, it would be nice to run it by somebody.

Lost, I feel for you. It sucks that your wife went ahead and moved everything out. Maybe she is extremely upset and isn't thinking clearly right now? I think you may be able to find solace in the fact that she has scheduled calls with you and talks to you. That may leave you some opportunity to talk to her and reason with her. I haven't heard my wife's voice for six weeks now and I don't know when/if I ever will. Some advice I have gotten in regards to my situation is to just give her space. I have been told that if I show her that I am living my own life and ready to move on then she will realize that things aren't too great alone. I am sorry that I can't say much more because my mind, like yours, is all over the place right now. I don't know what to think and am spending a lot of time trying to analyze what my wife is doing. Have you gone to grief counseling? I have started that and it seems to help from time to time. I just wish the weekends wouldn't put me through hell. Living in the home that we shared is so hard because everything is a reminder of her.

Thank you both for your input and I look forward to your responses.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

I'm hoping for some sort of rational explanation like what you said. It would make things easier than not getting any answer from her. The calls have been good, but after she lied to me about moving just a few things out I find myself betrayed and taken advantage of. Angry? yes. Bitter? no. Just feel like she treated me as though I was a pawn in her game. That she manipulated me into saying it was ok for her to come over and do what she did. But just flat out lied about her intentions of the whole thing. I don't want to sacrifice our scheduled times, but something's got to give. I want to talk to her, but not just yet. I've got to let this one simmer down first. I'm hoping it means something else like she wants her stuff to be comfortable in a new place, but everything is gone here and I'm having trouble coping with that. Haven't been to grief counseling, but I'm doing IC w/ our counselor, life coaching w/ another counselor and have been conversing w/ a local pastor about myself and beliefs (where I'm at with life, etc). Kind of spread out among a few minds. Trying to help myself b/c w/ out that, I'm going nowhere. It's helped me speak up about what exactly I want and need for myself in other facets of my daily self. Kept me focused on the greater outcome and has just been a few good sounding boards for my goals in life & our marriage/issues.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Limbo sucks...but it is better than divorce, don't you think?
My H and I have been separated for 2 months and some days are h*ll and others are ok.

You need to get out and do things for you. Sitting around being mopey isn't going to help anything. I missed work for a few days because I was so depressed but it actually made me feel worse.

Volunteer for an organization you care about, go for walks, go on bike rides (if you don't still have snow on the ground!)
Hang out at a book store, go to a coffee shop. Try a new restaurant, try horseback riding, take a cooking class.

I know this is hard. But it's really how you look at it. What is something you have always wanted to do for YOU but never had the time? Now is your chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuk (Apr 11, 2011)

Lost...I am learning that sometimes the most rational explanation is that she is upset and acting irrationally as many people do. Does she have someone in her ear? I know the feeling of betrayal, as soon as my wife left, she told lies to family and friends to make me seem like a terrible person. Although, the emotional and physical distance was my fault, she made it seem like I was worse than any man on this planet with false stories she told. This is the reason I am even hesitant to get back with her. Maybe when you do speak to her, you can ask her why she pulled everything out of the home. Not be confrontational but let her know that you are confused.

DelinquentGurl, thank you for your response as well. The people on this forum are really helping me get through each day, I owe you all. Limbo is better than divorce but I just wish I knew the reason for her actions. I am guessing that she may be confused and really doesn't know what she wants. You are right about work, that is really the only thing that keeps me sane. I have taken on projects that I have been meaning to do, the only issue is that I constantly think about why she is doing what she is doing. I hear six-months but I don't know how genuine that is. I just don't understand why someone would leave most of her stuff at the apt and say she wants to work it out but give an arbitrary time of six-months along with limiting any sort of contact and prohibiting any real-time contact. Is it reasonable to think that some people just want to take a break from everything to give emotions to fully cool down before moving forward with working on the marriage together?


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

_I am learning that sometimes the most rational explanation is that she is upset and acting irrationally as many people do._ I sure hope you're right, but who can really say what's irrational when they're upset? If I do I'm seen as not able to understand her and not validating her actions. I would love to believe that what you said is truthful though. It would put a lot of things in perspective. As for someone having her ear? Without a doubt. And what I've come to understand is that every one of them has an impact on how she reacts. I'm wary of this sort of thing b/c they offer advice to make themselves feel better by making her feel better. Not genuinely caring about the sitch b/c most don't even know me. But caring more about seeing her happy again and taking her on the most direct route to that. I don't want to believe that she would be that impressionable but she does put a lot of stock into what a lot of them say. It concerns me greatly for our sitch b/c it involves people unfamiliar w/ our interactions and how I'm portrayed through her state of resentment and anger when she tells of what happened. I suspect a lot of validation from these other ears for what she's done, w/out knowing the entire truths of the matters at hand. I would hope that stories aren't embellished to make me out to be a villain. We're both at fault. I recognize my contributions and have taken action to right myself in many aspects. From what she tells me though, she doesn't see much of anything she has contributed to this. That's when I feel she has given up and will not focus on anything about us. I will be asking about how she took everything at some point. Don't know when. But will do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Limbo is better than divorce unless you're stuck in a perpetual limbo and being strung along by a person who refuses to commit to you but keeps you there anyway....


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## nuk (Apr 11, 2011)

I guess the question is...how long is too long?


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