# Working toward talking about the need to end it...



## GRNY98 (Apr 28, 2010)

Married for 14 years, 3 children we have had our ups and downs, been to couseling several times and all seem happy and content except me. Our last couples counseling seemed to help, but we stopped going and never really rounded out or met where the doctor wanted us to go. She felt we were way too different to exist as one. We followed her steps and exercises and seemed to reignite what we once had. Unfortunately my spark has waned and hers has increased it seems. Since the summer of last year I have pulled further and further away emotionally, it has become painful for me to keep forcing myself to believe I am romantically and deeply in love with what I now consider my lifelong friend. I worked very very hard to try and find out why I could never say "i love you", what kept me from this during our 14 years, was it my childhood, lack of love in my past life etc etc...in doing all of this I have lost who I am entirely...now I am pulling away from my chidlren and have fallen into a sort of depression. I feel like and actor going through the motions with my wife and it is spilling over to other facets of me. I went to a therpaist for the first time alone to see if there is any chance I can discover more about me and why this has happened. But keeping her on a string and making believe I have feelings that are not there is destroying me. I do n ot want to lose my family, or her in my life. Has this happened to anyone else before? My new therapist and a close friend I have confided in believe I need to take my time, go slow and eventually lay a plan to exit peacefully, but I ask can this be done? How do you tell whom you thought was your life partner that the flame has died, that it is too painful to spare her feelings and pretend love is still strong to conquer all? Any thoughts or expreinces from those who have wallked this road would be appreciated.
Rgds


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Are there any events in your marriage that might have brought this on? What do you think is the cause? Do you not like her? Does she annoy you? Do you not get along? Do you think a life without her would be better than the life you have right now?


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## GRNY98 (Apr 28, 2010)

Yes, the cause is I gave her total control of our future and she has made it amazing...in the process I became what she wanted and not what I was meant to be. She has changed, gained alot of weight and seems to blame me for it, and yes her ways have gotten to me. Smart, loud and ever seeking to ensure her point is taken. I need to find out more about me as I can't give all of myself to anyone until I get a secure notion of who I exactly am first. We are getting along fine since our last counseling, but imagine the constant energy it would take for you to quell your inner most feelings and keep them below the surface while acting as if all is ok especially on the physical which leads to the emotional side of a relationship. I am in the therapy to discover the strength I need to address this face to face and lead it to an amicable zone as the children are the priority as well as my need to find the person I was prior to marriage.


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## GRNY98 (Apr 28, 2010)

Did that make things clear or no?


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

So it sounds like it's finally time to start being yourself. IF you could start being yourself, do you think you'd still want to be with her?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Confused-Wife said:


> So it sounds like it's finally time to start being yourself. IF you could start being yourself, do you think you'd still want to be with her?


Good question, but you also have to wonder if she would still want to be with him?

For me, that's the rub. My wife has told me for years that she doesn't like me as a person much of the time, but tries to say it in a way that doesn't cause pain. Wish she would've shared that one before we married.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Is it depression caused by your situation or depression? Either way feeling love while depressed is almost impossible. Can you get help for that?

I would separate for a time and find yourself rather than divorcing. Take time to yourself to find what makes YOU happy and then see if you can incorporate that into your marriage.

Although you stopped fighting, it doesn't sound like the dynamic is still able to make you happy. Can that be fixed or not?


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