# Sexless marriage!!!!!



## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Please help!! I need advice!! After my husband and I were separated and living apart I was intimate with someone, he was not , that was 3 years ago , he's been back home for a year and still has not had sex with me, he says he wants to but can't , he loves me , and we are in therapy he has his own therapist as well so now we're talking divorce ( which we both don't want been together 27 years and have 3 kids) or sexless marriage but I'm very sexual he is not, but its not just sex, it's intmacy as well.

* I did step out on him prior to our separation no sex just texting


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Does he blame you for starting to move on during your separation? I guess it's no surprise that he didn't since he's not that into sex. Do you think this has to do with that or just the fact that he is not very sexual? Do you think this is an emotional problem or could it be something physical as well?

The good thing is he is at least seeking help.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

It's the fact that I was literally with someone else and he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Torres 928 said:


> It's the fact that I was literally with someone else and he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it


That's tough. It's a mental image you can't unsee. It completely changes how you view that person, things never go back to the same.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Torres 928 said:


> he's been back home for a year and still has not had sex with me, he says he wants to but can't , he loves me , and we are in therapy he has his own therapist as well so now we're talking divorce


Step back and look at that from a 30,000 foot view.

While wanting to have sex with you, he just can't for the past year.
He's been to counseling too, so he hasn't just ignored this.
Now, after a year of this, he's talking about divorce even though he doesn't want that due to the children.

Look at where things have headed, look at the trajectory.

He wasn't talking about divorce a year ago. He said he wanted to have sex with you and I'm sure he did and wants to except for this.

Now it's reached the point where he's talking about divorce even though he really doesn't want that.

What are we missing here OP?

When the two of you agreed to separate, what was the cause of that separation?

Who wanted and pushed for the separation? You or him?

When the two of you separated, what were the "rules" the two of you talked about and agreed to?

Were you both allowed to see others? To date others during this separation?

Your post is very light on details. You'll get much better help from the many wonderful people on TAM by providing more info regarding all of this.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Al_Bundy said:


> That's tough. It's a mental image you can't unsee. It completely changes how you view that person, things never go back to the same.


Yes sadly I know 💔


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When you separated did you discuss boundaries?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Step back and look at that from a 30,000 foot view.
> 
> While wanting to have sex with you, he just can't for the past year.
> He's been to counseling too, so he hasn't just ignored this.
> ...


Okay, are you ready? It's a lot lol.... We are high school. Sweethearts started off great. Had a children young I'd say probably about 10 years ago when we were in our '30s, things started to not be so great. He's very aggressive, emotionally withdrawn so he was very emotionally abusive in the sense of neglecting me threatening to divorce me all the time. Withholding sex for me. He'

very


A18S37K14H18 said:


> Step back and look at that from a 30,000 foot view.
> 
> While wanting to have sex with you, he just can't for the past year.
> He's been to counseling too, so he hasn't just ignored this.
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it


There's your answer. 

Like the Carpenters sang in the 70s, some times there's no getting over that rainbow. 

Some things can't be fixed. 

It sounds like you both have made an honest attempt but some times Humpty Dumpty can't be put back together again even with all the kings horses and all the kings men.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Torres 928 said:


> Okay, are you ready? It's a lot lol.... We are high school. Sweethearts started off great. Had a children young I'd say probably about 10 years ago when we were in our '30s, things started to not be so great. He's very aggressive, emotionally withdrawn so he was very emotionally abusive in the sense of neglecting me threatening to divorce me all the time. Withholding sex for me. He he was always very much into p*** more into p*** than and to me. I would go to bed crying, wanting sex from him. Happy weeks or months before he would touch me. I really say can we go to counseling things like that. I beg and beg for help till this was years like this until one day. A guy gave me a little too much attention and I started texting him for six weeks , he found out ...we fought, talked, therapy, thought everything was ok and...then he moved out for like a week came back a month later found out he had a female friend from work that he talked to for 8 hours .so we went through all kinds of petty **** back and fourth then separated again and he moved out and he told me to do whatever I wanted he he was going to to...
> 
> very


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> There's your answer.
> 
> Like the Carpenters sang in the 70s, some times there's no getting over that rainbow.
> 
> ...


That breaks my heart


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

lifeistooshort said:


> When you separated did you discuss boundaries?


Not really


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

lifeistooshort said:


> When you separated did you discuss boundaries?


No


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So you have *** in your post.

He was withholding sex because he liked what porn too much? couldn't figure out any other p word.

He told you to do as you please. He can't have sex with you.
What is it that make you love him? Why do you want to save the marriage? Why does he? Are you two just both too afraid to separate? Is it finances?

Is he still into whatever the p work was? Porn? Has he worked on that issue? Does he suffer from ED? He may be blaming you but around 50 many men suffer ED and blame the woman because they can't handle it when their **** doesn't work.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

It's obvious that sex is now a trigger for your husband. That's a huge obstacle to overcome.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you have *** in your post.
> 
> He was withholding sex because he liked what porn too much? couldn't figure out any other p word.
> 
> ...


Yes porn , I think there's a lot of truth to that , of being scared and definitely financially, and we do still love each other , 27 years is a long time

I'm sure he still watches his porn.. no he doesn't suffer from ED


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Torres 928 said:


> Yes porn , I think there's a lot of truth to that , of being scared and definitely financially, and we do still love each other , 27 years is a long time
> 
> I'm sure he still watches his porn.. no he doesn't suffer from ED


I just wish he would move past it I worked really hard in therapy and grown and I know we can enjoy the rest of our lives, it's just the sex ...but that's a huge deal!!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Tested_by_stress said:


> It's obvious that sex is now a trigger for your husband. That's a huge obstacle to overcome.


Sure but he was withholding before as well. So there is a larger issue than just the separation sex.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sure but he was withholding before as well. So there is a larger issue than just the separation sex.


Exactly!!!!! And I say that ball the time ..he says he doesn't really need physical touch ( which is sad ) and like I said he is in therapy we both have childhood trauma


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> I just wish he would move past it I worked really hard in therapy and grown and I know we can enjoy the rest of our lives, it's just the sex ...but that's a huge deal!!


So you've worked hard in therapy? What about him? He was withholding before this so why was he doing that? What have you two done to work on the marriage. Finances and some random we love each other?

What do you love about him? You say he was abusive and withheld sex. You got to a state that emotionally you were going for someone who simply paid you attention. So does he now pay attention? Is he still using porn as a substitute?
You say he doesn't have ED, how would you know? You do know there are parts of ED that they can use porn and get a hard on but can't with real women. There is also psychological ED as well. Has he done any work with a counselor on this?

So before no sex was killing you but now you love him and you want to stay married.. So there is something missing in your post like the real reason or something significant that happened in the last year or so that made you realize you want him. Or it really is the money. In that case take half and move on.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Exactly!!!!! And I say that ball the time ..he says he doesn't really need physical touch ( which is sad ) and like I said he is in therapy we both have childhood trauma


Ok he doesn't need it but apparently you do. So you two need to figure out how to give each other what you both need. what are his needs?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you've worked hard in therapy? What about him? He was withholding before this so why was he doing that? What have you two done to work on the marriage. Finances and some random we love each other?
> 
> What do you love about him? You say he was abusive and withheld sex. You got to a state that emotionally you were going for someone who simply paid you attention. So does he now pay attention? Is he still using porn as a substitute?
> You say he doesn't have ED, how would you know? You do know there are parts of ED that they can use porn and get a hard on but can't with real women. There is also psychological ED as well. Has he done any work with a counselor on this?
> ...


Yes I have , still have a lot more to do, he has just really started putting in more effort, just couples therapy definitely better communication, and to be honest no he doesn't pay that much more attention ..it's like it just enough to make me feel like he's trying but there's never any more... 

I know he doesn't have ED because he still gets hard for me ..he rubbed my t*ts ( he will do little things like that every once in awhile) 

And I'm still dying and lonely and want to be with him but the thought of divorce is so scary ..I'm so afraid I'll regret leaving him


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Yes I have , still have a lot more to do, he has just really started putting in more effort, just couples therapy definitely better communication, and to be honest no he doesn't pay that much more attention ..it's like it just enough to make me feel like he's trying but there's never any more...
> 
> I know he doesn't have ED because he still gets hard for me ..he rubbed my t*ts ( he will do little things like that every once in awhile)
> 
> And I'm still dying and lonely and want to be with him but the thought of divorce is so scary ..I'm so afraid I'll regret leaving him


And you may regret leaving him. But really he isn't putting in that much attention. It's not like you are describing an incredible husband that just doesn't like sex. You are describing an uncaring husband who is withholding sex.

So are you a Stay at home Mom/Wife. What exactly are you afraid of? There are plenty of men exiting marriages at about this age due to lack of sex.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> And you may regret leaving him. But really he isn't putting in that much attention. It's not like you are describing an incredible husband that just doesn't like sex. You are describing an uncaring husband who is withholding sex.
> 
> So are you a Stay at home Mom/Wife. What exactly are you afraid of? There are plenty of men exiting marriages at about this age due to lack of sex.


I'm 45 and I work and have 3 kids ..I don't know scared of all of it , can't afford a lawyer , and our family breaking up


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> I'm 45 and I work and have 3 kids ..I don't know scared of all of it , can't afford a lawyer , and our family breaking up


Well that's a bad reason to stay though. What does he say? Why does he want to stay married?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Resentment and porn are a destructive combination for men. Isn’t this behavior at least in the same ballpark as your “stepping out”? Why does he get a pass to step out and you don’t?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> No


There's another part of your answer.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well that's a bad reason to stay though. What does he say? Why does he want to stay married?


I know, 
Loves me, our family, scared


Anastasia6 said:


> Well that's a bad reason to stay though. What does he say? Why does he want to stay married?


Thank you for talking with me 💜


CatholicDad said:


> Resentment and porn are a destructive combination for men. Isn’t this behavior at least in the same ballpark as your “stepping out”? Why does he get a pass to step out and you don’t?


He doesn't , but he has even said it's not right


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> I just wish he would move past it I worked really hard in therapy and grown and I know we can enjoy the rest of our lives, it's just the sex ...but that's a huge deal!!


But people are not always going to move past it just because you've worked hard in therapy and think that things should be ok again. 

This is the risk you took when you got down with another dude. I'm sure you heard that guys don't like their wives screwing other men before this happened. I'm sure you heard of couples splitting up over adultery before this happened so I don't think it should come as a big shock to you. 

Yes it sad. But it isn't either unusual nor unpredictable. 

There's no way he didn't think you pulled a fast one and used a technicality against him. Maybe he "shouldn't" feel that way since you were technically separated at the time. But people's feelings and values don't recognise technicalities. This is not a court of law. Sexual attraction and comfort are not conscious choices. Some bridges that have been burned, cannot be rebuilt. 

You gave an honest try, I'll give you that credit. But my credit won't get you the cheapest cup of coffee at Starbucks. 

It sounds like he tried too. I do wish you well and hope for the best for you. But you need to understand that some things cannot be fixed because you want them to.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> I know,
> Loves me, our family, scared
> Thank you for talking with me 💜
> He doesn't , but he has even said it's not right


Ok so far we have he ignored you emotionally and physically. He used porn and wouldn't have sex with you. You had a texting emotional affair (EA). He moved out (sounds like it was a one sided decision) told you that you could do whatever you wanted (probably because he was with a woman at work). You had sex with someone. He moved back home.

So when he moved out were you a part of that decision?
The person you had sex with was it the EA?
Are you sure he wasn't having sex with his partner? he's going to tell you no but that doesn't mean it's no.

How did his moving back a month later work out? This usually indicates he couldn't close the deal with the woman at work or maybe she didn't like his porn no sex habit and dumped him. Did you ask him to come back?

What boundaries have you two set up since moving back in together? Marriage counseling you said. How about Individual counseling? sex therapist? Open phone to each other no secrets? No porn? I'd let him know that until he's having sex with you he needs to cut the porn out. No cam girls either. 

Have you been checked for STD's?

So you are both scared of divorce and he doesn't want to have sex with you. Are you now content with no sex? or the level of sex/emotional attention he is paying you? What do you do for him? If physical touch isn't his love language what is and are you trying to put effort in there. Words of affirmation? Acts of service? Gifts?

If I were you... you need to start figuring out what divorce looks like. That doesn't mean you have to go through with the divorce. You do need to know what it looks like so it is less scary. You need to decide if you are ok with what he is providing because from here it doesn't seem like he's providing that much. Also if he can't have sex with you because of your actions during the separation and it's been a year, he may never be able to. Good luck to him finding a virgin to date at 40. You have a job. How are the finances? How does your job compare in pay? Remember you may have to sell the house and buy something smaller. Will he want to split the kids 50/50 custody? 

Depending on the size of your house, since you two seem to want to be room mates you could actually divorce and live in the same house for finances at least for a while if you wanted.

My point is where you are doesn't seem sustainable long term. You need to figure out how to move the football toward a fulfilling marriage or toward a separation which would allow you to move toward a fulfilling relationship hopefully.

Is he actually aware or in agreement that where you are right now isn't a good place? Do you want to remain married if it is sexless?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But people are not always going to move past it just because you've worked hard in therapy and think that things should be ok again.
> 
> This is the risk you took when you got down with another dude. I'm sure you heard that guys don't like their wives screwing other men before this happened. I'm sure you heard of couples splitting up over adultery before this happened so I don't think it should come as a big shock to you.
> 
> ...


He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?





Anastasia6 said:


> He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?


I do he that ! Everyone is different


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> I do he that ! Everyone is different


So you said before the separation he was threatening you with divorce all the time. Over what? Why? 

Has the threats stopped?
Does you counselor think the marriage is working? (please note some counselors are garbage anyway).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?


it's just more water under the bridge and evidence this is probably a lost cause. 

Again this is not a court of law. There's no judgement of guilt vs innocence here. This is about people's feelings and attractions and desires and comfort in being with each other and he ain't feeling it for her. 

Did he shoot himself in the foot with her? IMHO yes he did. But just because he shoot himself in the foot doesn't mean that he can walk the walk with her. 

They both put themselves into this hole. People can argue over who dug deeper but it don't matter because it ain't work'n either way. 
It sounds like they have both tried to make it work. But that doesn't change the fact that some things can be broken beyond repair. This may be one of those times.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you said before the separation he was threatening you with divorce all the time. Over what? Why?
> 
> Has the threats stopped?
> Does you counselor think the marriage is working? (please note some counselors are garbage anyway).


Over his bad moods ..he would shut down for no reason be angry , he is better with that now he is on antidepressants

She doesn't think it's working the way it is , but thinks it's worth working on but also knows I've been waiting 3 years basically ..an I love our therapist she's very honest and amazing lol


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Over his bad moods ..he would shut down for no reason be angry , he is better with that now he is on antidepressants
> 
> She doesn't think it's working the way it is , but thinks it's worth working on but also knows I've been waiting 3 years basically ..an I love our therapist she's very honest and amazing lol


So most people do have reasons to be angry. You are either ignoring the reason or unaware.

antidrepssants can cause issues with libido. Has he always been a lousy lover?

does he still threaten divorce?
How long are you willing to go without a loving relationship?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so far we have he ignored you emotionally and physically. He used porn and wouldn't have sex with you. You had a texting emotional affair (EA). He moved out (sounds like it was a one sided decision) told you that you could do whatever you wanted (probably because he was with a woman at work). You had sex with someone. He moved back home.
> 
> So when he moved out were you a part of that decision?
> The person you had sex with was it the EA?
> ...


I just saw all this sorry, I'm new to this lol... Yes I've been checked for STDs I 80% believe he didn't have sex with anyone , because of how he is..the 25 year old from work only made out with him when she fought with her boyfriend one night and never did anything again but fluffed his ego .. I have over the last year learned his love language and have done the things to make him feel loved and safe since I did betray him and still nothing and no I'm not happy not having sex I'm very affectionate, sexual and this is killing me , but breaking my family apart because my husband won't f**k me seems terrible.

We have talked about calling it quits and what it would look like , we both agree we want to do it together and make it as easiest as possible ...I feel paralyzed with fear with the thought of divorce..I've been with him since I was 17


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Why don’t you just ask him to choose between you and the porn? If he chooses you then maybe he can give up his porn devices or block porn on them. Many content filters are available that would do this.

If he’s off porn and not masturbating- I think he’ll suddenly discover he doesn’t give a darn about his old resentments. He might start _really_ wanting actual sex again.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> I just saw all this sorry, I'm new to this lol... Yes I've been checked for STDs I 80% believe he didn't have sex with anyone , because of how he is..the 25 year old from work only made out with him when she fought with her boyfriend one night and never did anything again but fluffed his ego .. I have over the last year learned his love language and have done the things to make him feel loved and safe since I did betray him and still nothing and no I'm not happy not having sex I'm very affectionate, sexual and this is killing me , but breaking my family apart because my husband won't f**k me seems terrible.
> 
> We have talked about calling it quits and what it would look like , we both agree we want to do it together and make it as easiest as possible ...I feel paralyzed with fear with the thought of divorce..I've been with him since I was 17


Well from the outside it doesn't seem like this is only about sex. He doesn't seem all that invested in the relationship Threatening for years to divorce you is also abusive. You obviously are missing a part of who you are. So yes it does seem daunting. But you may also not be able to 'save' it yourself. Is he ok with no sex for 1 year? He apparently is having difficulty with your sexual encounter during the separation.

Again how did he end up moving back in? Whose idea was it and what was the reason given?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So most people do have reasons to be angry. You are either ignoring the reason or unaware.
> 
> antidrepssants can cause issues with libido. Has he always been a lousy lover?
> 
> ...


No not always but never a high sex drive like me ,he's not threatening divorce now it's me .. because he's content now ...he has pretty much everything but I don't...I'm pretty much done but I don't want to give up on us but living like this is making sick


CatholicDad said:


> Why don’t you just ask him to choose between you and the porn? If he chooses you then maybe he can give up his porn devices or block porn on them. Many content filters are available that would do this.
> 
> If he’s off porn and not masturbating- I think he’ll suddenly discover he doesn’t give a darn about his old resentments. He might start
> 
> ...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If he’s hard and can’t orgasm that can also be the porn. How are you sure it’s the previous sex?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> If he’s hard and can’t orgasm that can also be the porn. How are you sure it’s the previous sex?


I'm sure he can orgasm , I think he's actually being "stubborn" because his thoughts of me with someone so he stops


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

With your relationship starting as high school sweethearts, I take it you were each other’s first or near first. It is very huge thing for a guy who had an untouched wife to know she’s no longer what he had, especially if she’s the mother of his kids. I’m sure he’s having mind movies all the time.

You guys separated because of your EA, then you started hooking up with your OM. Do you think that showed that you loved your husband and were hoping to restore your family? That your husband angrily said he doesn’t care what you do during the separation was not carte Blanche to take your affair to the next level. I think you know that and are being disingenuous when you answered the question of were boundaries discussed.

You said that you’re husband is often angry or aggressive. Was that the case for all 27 years? Was he always low drive? Does he take any meds? Is he on the spectrum?

Also, is there more to this story?
it almost feels like you’re holding back details. Were there other affairs prior to this one?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Torres 928 said:


> I just wish he would move past it I worked really hard in therapy and grown and I know we can enjoy the rest of our lives, it's just the sex ...but that's a huge deal!!


Different people put different weights on types of infidelity.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

jsmart said:


> With your relationship starting as high school sweethearts, I take it you were each other’s first or near first. It is very huge thing for a guy who had an untouched wife to know she’s no longer what he had, especially if she’s the mother of his kids. I’m sure he’s having mind movies all the time.
> 
> You guys separated because of your EA, then you started hooking up with your OM. Do you think that showed that you loved your husband and were hoping to restore your family? That your husband angrily said he doesn’t care what you do during the separation was not carte Blanche to take your affair to the next level. I think you know that and are being disingenuous when you answered the question of were boundaries discussed.
> 
> ...


Yes we are high school sweethearts but we did both have other partners prior to us being together, Yes, I was absolutely wrong for having an emotional affair. Then we separated for like a week or two. Then he came back and obviously he was doing things behind my back to get back to me for what I did to him and I understand that, we were working things out for a few months then I found out about his friend from work. A lot of s*** came out about her and lying again. There was a lot of back and forth and tit for tat this is before we really got into therapy and found out why we get kept hurting each other. Please remember this has been over a course of 3 years so it's kind of fuzzy to remember all the details. He moved out for a whole year. We were officially separated. There is no real talk about what about what our boundaries were going to be he basically said I'm going to do what I want to do. You do what you want to do. But before he moved out and I begged him not to and I begged for him to keep going to therapy and to not leave the family and sobbed and cried. He told me he hasn't loved me for years. He told me he wanted a divorce. He said all these horrible things and packed his bags and literally took everything that he owned out of the house. So no when I slept with another man I didn't think it was going to restore my family or show him. I loved him but at that point I was broken and thought my family was completely over. And again, this was prior to me doing my therapy to fix the reasons why I stepped out on my marriage. There's not more to this. The guy I hooked up with was not the one I had an emotional affair with. I'm an open book. I'll give more details. There is not other very prior to this. I've always been loyal . He's my everything and just years of him neglecting emotionally abusing me rejecting me sexually. I think at one point he told me we don't have sex cuz it's you. I don't want to f*** I think that kind of was my breaking point.

During our therapy we found out obviously he was suffering from depression and depression in men usually comes out as anger and aggression and that's what we were dealing with him all these years and I did not know so we did get him on antidepressants which did help with his irritability aggression.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So he is happy now? What is making him happy?

Unfortunately, even though you had the right to step out on the physical affair with the separation, it doesn't mean he can get past it. Have you seen a sex therapist? They specialize in this kind of relationship dynamic.

So it sounds like you aren't very far from the same state you were in before. He's still sexually rejecting you and blaming you. I guess he's less angry now?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> So he is happy now? What is making him happy?
> 
> Unfortunately, even though you had the right to step out on the physical affair with the separation, it doesn't mean he can get past it. Have you seen a sex therapist? They specialize in this kind of relationship dynamic.
> 
> So it sounds like you aren't very far from the same state you were in before. He's still sexually rejecting you and blaming you. I guess he's less angry now?


He said if I was happy and content with no sex then we would be good but because I'm unhappy and I want more from him that's what's upsetting,

He does agree that I had the right. He does agree. He tried to sleep around as well. He does agree that if he did sleep around that he would still feel the same way about me being with someone else. He knows it sucks and it's unfair but it's his feelings and we just don't know what to do

And you are right, we are exactly where we were before all this happened and that's what I say to him. Does it matter? We are still in the same situation? Not very much attention. No sex and me unhappy but not wanting to leave him. I just don't know what to do

And now we haven't tried a sex therapist. I think I'll look into that. You have been so wonderful! It's been so nice talking back and forth with someone with my thoughts

Yes, he's definitely less angry and he's definitely trying to communicate better but again he's who he is and I'm willing to accept that. I just need a little more attention and I need some intimacy. I understand his sex drive won't be at the level is mine and that's okay


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Thanks for providing more details. I feel really bad for your situation. Your pain just leapt off the page on your response. Is he seeing a professional for his depression. Is he on any meds? 

Does he know all the details of your sexual relationship with OM? Not asking for details but just want to say that with you being separated for a year, he may be thinking you were very wanton with this guy or that there were more OMs.

We men tend to be possessive of our women, so learning that you were sexually active during the separation, he can feel like you’re no longer his. Even though you’re telling him you want him, his mind will fight it as a protection from getting hurt. Add in his porn use, and his mind will think you were like the actresses, which will reinforce the mind movies.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

jsmart said:


> Thanks for providing more details. I feel really bad for your situation. Your pain just leapt off the page on your response. Is he seeing a professional for his depression. Is he on any meds?
> 
> Does he know all the details of your sexual relationship with OM? Not asking for details but just want to say that with you being separated for a year, he may be thinking you were very wanton with this guy or that there were more OMs.
> 
> We men tend to be possessive of our women, so learning that you were sexually active during the separation, he can feel like you’re no longer his. Even though you’re telling him you want him, his mind will fight it as a protection from getting hurt. Add in his porn use, and his mind will think you were like the actresses, which will reinforce the mind movies.


Thank you so much, and unfortunately when we were going to our very unhealthy tit for tat stage he did read some messages. He did get some details so that is part of the problem is he has some visuals in his head that he can't get out. He did do some special work with his therapist. Some like trauma work to try to get it out of his head but unfortunately it didn't help... He really wanted to help but I think you're right him just knowing that somebody else touched me and was with me. It's just completely devastating to him 💔


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Torres 928 said:


> It's the fact that I was literally with someone else and he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it


Well there you have it. I don't condone a sexless marriage at all but he has good reasons.

I wouldn't touch my wife again if she ****ed another man during a separation. That's a sure fire way to end any relationship and shows the absolute opposite of commitment.

A great rule of thumb is to not **** people you don't want to be with and certainly not **** others when you want your husband back.

You speak about 27 years and 3 kids but that didn't mean a hell of a lot to you when another penis was waving in your face now did it?

I'm being intentionally blunt because you don't seem to realize your lack of commitment to and honoring of your husband while wanting him to give to you what you've shown unwilling to give him.

Why should he show a commitment to you that you have clearly shown, in the most visceral way possible, that you do not reciprocate toward him?

Is he only with you for the kids?

I believe you should call it quits and do what's best for the children in the divorce.

I also think you need therapy and a lot of self reflection.

Regardless of other issues, screwing someone else shows absolute contempt for your marriage and would be a deal breaker for many, maybe most.

You need to own your choices and understand that they have repercussions you might not desire.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Torres 928 said:


> Exactly!!!!! And I say that ball the time ..he says he doesn't really need physical touch ( which is sad ) and like I said he is in therapy we both have childhood trauma


He wasn't sexual before and hasn't shown improvement. It would have been very difficult for you to have a healthy marriage before you started having sex with someone else because he didn't show he wanted to improve and actually do the work necessary for a healthy sex life.

I don't see it getting better now that you've brought someone else to your bed. That has obviously added to the problem and it would be a problem for someone like me as well and I'm very HD.

Why not call it quits?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Torres 928 said:


> Okay, are you ready? It's a lot lol.... We are high school. Sweethearts started off great. Had a children young I'd say probably about 10 years ago when we were in our '30s, things started to not be so great. He's very aggressive, emotionally withdrawn so he was very emotionally abusive in the sense of neglecting me threatening to divorce me all the time. Withholding sex for me. He'
> 
> very


Sounds like a peach. Listen, he's not interested enough to improve and having sex with others is always a bad idea even if he was stupid enough to say you could do whatever, you were not smart to bang another guy if you wanted him back.

It's also confusing why you would even want him back besides the high school sweetheart angle but that's why you need therapy because you aren't seeing what the rest of us are.

This isn't a good marriage and hasn't been for a while and it takes two to make it work and he isn't working on it.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

ConanHub said:


> Well there you have it. I don't condone a sexless marriage at all but he has good reasons.
> 
> I wouldn't touch my wife again if she ****ed another man during a separation. That's a sure fire way to end any relationship and shows the absolute opposite of commitment.
> 
> ...


I do understand and I have worked in therapy on why I made those choices and I would never make those choices ever again. I had my reasons and I had a lot of trauma as a childhood. No excuses but I fixed it and I would never make those choices ever again but I understand there's consequences to my choices. I worked really hard to try to fix it and if it's unfixable then I have to understand


ConanHub said:


> He wasn't sexual before and hasn't shown improvement. It would have been very difficult for you to have a healthy marriage before you started having sex with someone else because he didn't show he wanted to improve and actually do the work necessary for a healthy sex life.
> 
> I don't see it getting better now that you've brought someone else to your bed. That has obviously added to the problem and it would be a problem for someone like me as well and I'm very HD.
> 
> Why not call it quits?


We're both scared to walk away from each other. Lot of love. Lot of history. We want a future. We do want to grow old. We do have a lot of goals that we wanted to be together. We both feel the same way. We're both 50/50 on staying together or walking away. That's very confusing


ConanHub said:


> Sounds like a peach. Listen, he's not interested enough to improve and having sex with others is always a bad idea even if he was stupid enough to say you could do whatever, you were not smart to bang another guy if you wanted him back.
> 
> It's also confusing why you would even want him back besides the high school sweetheart angle but that's why you need therapy because you aren't seeing what the rest of us are.
> 
> This isn't a good marriage and hasn't been for a while and it takes two to make it work and he isn't working on it.


Yes and I guess that's why I came here...and I'm still in therapy..and I do believe a lot of it might be attachment? So does anyone have advice on that or what we do to start a easy divorce 💔


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Feelings are deceptive. Hubby also probably doesn’t “feel” like going to work- but he does I hope.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

CatholicDad said:


> Feelings are deceptive. Hubby also probably doesn’t “feel” like going to work- but he does I hope.


Actually lol that's another fight we have ... He misses like 2 days a week from work so we're always behind because he doesn't work enough


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Actually lol that's another fight we have ... He misses like 2 days a week from work so we're always behind because he doesn't work enough


Again. I hate to be the nay sayer because I believe in marriage, but it just doesn't seem like he's much of a prize. It seems more like you've wasted 27 years of your life. Why would you continue?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I wanted to add this isn't just about the sex to me it seems the whole relationship is slanted to make him happy. He isn't affectionate verbally or physically with you. He does work. Does he like keep the house spotless? What is it that's so great other than time?

BTW. I've always said I could have a sexless marriage and still be happy but that's because my husband is amazing out of the sack. Yours seems like a dud all the way around. 

And even though you want to work on it he hasn't really been able to have sex for a year. Maybe he won't be able to fix this? I would try a sex therapist though is you are serious about keeping it together. I've never been to one but a few members here have had a lot of luck with them.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> Again. I hate to be the nay sayer because I believe in marriage, but it just doesn't seem like he's much of a prize. It seems more like you've wasted 27 years of your life. Why would you continue?


Do you have advice on how we go about getting divorce , can't really afford a lawyer


Anastasia6 said:


> I wanted to add this isn't just about the sex to me it seems the whole relationship is slanted to make him happy. He isn't affectionate verbally or physically with you. He does work. Does he like keep the house spotless? What is it that's so great other than time?
> 
> BTW. I've always said I could have a sexless marriage and still be happy but that's because my husband is amazing out of the sack. Yours seems like a dud all the way around.
> 
> And even though you want to work on it he hasn't really been able to have sex for a year. Maybe he won't be able to fix this? I would try a sex therapist though is you are serious about keeping it together. I've never been to one but a few members here have had a lot of luck with them.


 A good dad we have fun as a family not the biggest helper around the house but will but I push...I don't know honestly anymore...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Torres 928 said:


> Do you have advice on how we go about getting divorce , can't really afford a lawyer


Would he be open to mediation?
If you can get an agreement in place and a judge confirms what is being agreed to, you don't need a lawyer.
Lawyers are just there to enforce their clients don't get screwed.
In my province, Alberta, they have mediators that can help couples come to an agreement to terms without the services of a lawyer.
The only danger would be if he suddenly backtracked and got a lawyer behind your back and you weren't prepared.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

jonty30 said:


> Would he be open to mediation?
> If you can get an agreement in place and a judge confirms what is being agreed to, you don't need a lawyer.
> Lawyers are just there to enforce their clients don't get screwed.
> In my province, Alberta, they have mediators that can help couples come to an agreement to terms without the services of a lawyer.
> The only danger would be if he suddenly backtracked and got a lawyer behind your back and you weren't prepared.


Yes he would,


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Torres 928 said:


> Yes he would,


Yes, he is open to mediation or yes he would screw you over unexpectedly? 
If he is open to mediation, see what your state has to offer.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

jonty30 said:


> Yes, he is open to mediation or yes he would screw you over unexpectedly?
> If he is open to mediation, see what your state has to offer.


Lol He's open to mediation. I'm just confused because my stepfather told me I should get a lawyer because I'm entitled to his pension???


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Torres 928 said:


> I just saw all this sorry, I'm new to this lol... Yes I've been checked for STDs I 80% believe he didn't have sex with anyone , because of how he is..the 25 year old from work only made out with him when she fought with her boyfriend one night and never did anything again but fluffed his ego .. I have over the last year learned his love language and have done the things to make him feel loved and safe since I did betray him and still nothing and no I'm not happy not having sex I'm very affectionate, sexual and this is killing me , but breaking my family apart because my husband won't f**k me seems terrible.
> 
> We have talked about calling it quits and what it would look like , we both agree we want to do it together and make it as easiest as possible ...I feel paralyzed with fear with the thought of divorce..I've been with him since I was 17


I mean, you have kids to share custody with 50/50, so it's not like you're ever going to get him out of your life, and it's not like you're getting much of a relationship from him now with him in your home, so if you do divorce, it would at least leave you free to have someone in your life (whether it worked long-term or not) who paid attention to you. 

I am not minimizing your childhood trauma and his and glad it's being worked through. It could be a reason. Sometimes when your own child reaches the age at which either of you were traumatized, it can trigger you bigtime and make you have to deal with your own trauma finally. If you think that's the case, worth holding out for to see if it helps. I do know one young guy who had ED and worked through it with a counselor and it was from childhood trauma as well. 

You have complex issues. The trauma, being together since before your brains were fully formed, not exploring like most people do these days before they marry. I imagine that is affecting him for sure and you as well. Like I said, even if you go your own ways, you'll be seeing each other each week to exchange the kids. And if you do divorce (and still have kids in the house), be sure to insist on 50/50 joint custody with him so you have 3 1/2 days a week to help you keep your career going without kid problem interruptions and that same time to relax and socialize. Don't be a martyr and let him be the free and single one while you do it all for the kids and try to work on top of it. Make him do his part. In the US, that is the norm these days, joint 50/50.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Torres 928 said:


> Lol He's open to mediation. I'm just confused because my stepfather told me I should get a lawyer because I'm entitled to his pension???


Whether or not you are entitled to part of his pension would be covered under state law. That may not be true where you are or under the circumstances of your divorce. 
You'd have to talk to a mediator to see if that can be agreed upon without a lawyer


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Lol He's open to mediation. I'm just confused because my stepfather told me I should get a lawyer because I'm entitled to his pension???


You are entitled to 50% including retirement benefits in most states
It would be best to look at website for your state as each can be different
Often times the pension is offset with something else like external cash or house equity.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Unfortunately, *even though you had the right to step out on the physical affair with the separation*, it doesn't mean he can get past it. Have you seen a sex therapist? They specialize in this kind of relationship dynamic.


I don't get it.. I truly don't, we in the west screwed up and came up with our own crap in marriages and that's why we have a a society that's missed up completely!
How does she have the right to step out just because the separation?!
Separation doesn't nullify the vows you make, it doesn't, no matter how you want to spin it, you still will be committing adultery if you step out!

The fact that many people talk about boundaries when they separate (Unless they go to Church and nullify it) shows you how they don't understand the vows they took when getting married!
Even if your spouse tells you you can have sex outside the marriage it's still doesn't nullify the vows and if you do it its considered adultery!

Maybe I got it wrong!
Maybe someone can enlighten me!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Kaliber said:


> I don't get it.. I truly don't, we in the west screwed up and came up with our own crap in marriages and that's why we have a a society that's missed up completely!
> How does she have the right to step out just because the separation?!
> Separation doesn't nullify the vows you make, it doesn't, no matter how you want to spin it, you still will be committing adultery if you step out!
> 
> ...


The way I see it, if you tell your spouse you want a divorce and that you are leaving and you pack your stuff and move out and tell them to do whatever they want to do - you have just tore up your spouse card and waive your rights to whatever they do. If they go out and screw the neighborhood,,, too bad so sad. 

Now that being said, that doesn't mean that anyone's heart will necessarily agree with that. 

If you decide to come back and try again at a later date and they have screwed someone else, your heart won't care that you tore up your spouse card. But again, too bad so sad. You waive your rights to someone's exclusivity when you leave them. 

If you want to argue that the divorce isn't final yet, I don't care. that is just a legal formality that takes time to get all the paperwork processed. When you tell your partner you are leaving and you walk out that door - they are a free agent consenting adult that can do as they please. 

If you don't want your partner boinking other people, don't leave them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Breaking up at marriage because your husband won’t **** you is perfectly reasonable. It’s kind of a big deal. Unless there’s a medical reason.
Antidepressants is a pretty much guaranteed no sex pill.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@oldshirt I have to disagree to a point. This guy moved out due to her betrayal. Since she says she was remorseful and still loved her husband, she should have fought for the marriage and try to fix the damage that her affair caused but that’s not the vibe I’m getting from her. For OP to have a new lover that was not her original affair partner, doesn’t sound like someone that was fighting for the marriage and I wouldn’t blame her husband for feeling like she really didn’t cared about him all that much.

Now I don’t know how long she waited before taking a new lover but I know you are aware of how many threads we’ve had of BHs who have reported that they had a break up for a night or weekend to only find out their wife was already giving herself to a new guy the same night. I’m guessing / hoping it was a decent amount of time before she was in her new lover’s bed but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband thinks it happened really quickly.

Now if the marriage is truly over, I understand if she moves on but these 2 have been together for 27 years and have raised three kids together, I would think that after a relationship like that ends, you at least mourn the death of the marriage for a while. But it sounds like you’re saying that wives (yes, it’s usually women) that separate, they are free then and there?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> The way I see it, if you tell your spouse you want a divorce and that you are leaving and you pack your stuff and move out and tell them to do whatever they want to do - you have just tore up your spouse card and waive your rights to whatever they do. If they go out and screw the neighborhood,,, too bad so sad.
> 
> Now that being said, that doesn't mean that anyone's heart will necessarily agree with that.
> 
> ...


Hmm. Legalisms don't really work in reality.

If you want to keep your mate, don't **** someone else.

It's really simple and you have to go full retard to think otherwise.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jsmart said:


> @oldshirt I have to disagree to a point. This guy moved out due to her betrayal. Since she says she was remorseful and still loved her husband, she should have fought for the marriage and try to fix the damage that her affair caused but that’s not the vibe I’m getting from her. For OP to have a new lover that was not her original affair partner, doesn’t sound like someone that was fighting for the marriage and I wouldn’t blame her husband for feeling like she really didn’t cared about him all that much.
> 
> Now I don’t know how long she waited before taking a new lover but I know you are aware of how many threads we’ve had of BHs who have reported that they had a break up for a night or weekend to only find out their wife was already giving herself to a new guy the same night. I’m guessing / hoping it was a decent amount of time before she was in her new lover’s bed but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband thinks it happened really quickly.
> 
> Now if the marriage is truly over, I understand if she moves on but these 2 have been together for 27 years and have raised three kids together, I would think that after a relationship like that ends, you at least mourn the death of the marriage for a while. But it sounds like you’re saying that wives (yes, it’s usually women) that separate, they are free then and there?


I get your point and as I stated in an earlier post, I even understand why her H has not been able to get past this and reconnect with her. The damage has been done even though she has been doing therapy and what not. I get that and it is sad. 

I also know that his heart is not going to care whether they were formally separated or not at the time. 

But I will go back to what I said, if someone tells their spouse they are leaving and divorcing them and walks out the door,, they've waived their rights to that person's exclusivity. 

This is what chicks do. It's called monkey branching and it's part of the female nomenclature. If one dude leaves, she makes a txt and 15 minutes later the next dude shows up with 12-pack of Schlitz and a carton of cigarettes. That scenario is going to play out 1000 times tonight across the globe and a 1000 times tomorrow and 1000 times the day after that. 

Now they both bear responsibility here. He knew or should have known she would Monkey Branch, it ain't no secret. If you don't want your partner screwing other people, don't dump them. 

And she knew or should have known that he would have a big issue with it should they try to reconcile at a later time. A part of me thinks she did intentionally to make him jealous so he would come back. Bit her in arse there it did. 

He went stomping off to try to bang some other chick to show her but monkey branching doesn't work for guys like it does chicks so that bit him in the arse too. 

She's acting like she's entitled to a free pass and a reconciliation here since she's agreed to try again and seems genuinely surprised that he's not getting into the groove here. But the heart just doesn't work that way. 

This is all sad and I feel bad for them, but this is following the script. This is how it works.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Hmm. Legalisms don't really work in reality.
> 
> If you want to keep your mate, don't **** someone else.
> 
> It's really simple and you have to go full retard to think otherwise.


It goes both ways. If you don't want your partner to bang other dudes, don't dump and leave her because this is what chicks do.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

Kaliber said:


> I don't get it.. I truly don't, we in the west screwed up and came up with our own crap in marriages and that's why we have a a society that's missed up completely!
> How does she have the right to step out just because the separation?!
> Separation doesn't nullify the vows you make, it doesn't, no matter how you want to spin it, you still will be committing adultery if you step out!
> 
> ...


Nobody not saying it wasn't wrong , it was wrong , very wrong...


Evinrude58 said:


> Breaking up at marriage because your husband won’t **** you is perfectly reasonable. It’s kind of a big deal. Unless there’s a medical reason.
> Antidepressants is a pretty much guaranteed no sex pill.


Thank you


jsmart said:


> @oldshirt I have to disagree to a point. This guy moved out due to her betrayal. Since she says she was remorseful and still loved her husband, she should have fought for the marriage and try to fix the damage that her affair caused but that’s not the vibe I’m getting from her. For OP to have a new lover that was not her original affair partner, doesn’t sound like someone that was fighting for the marriage and I wouldn’t blame her husband for feeling like she really didn’t cared about him all that much.
> 
> Now I don’t know how long she waited before taking a new lover but I know you are aware of how many threads we’ve had of BHs who have reported that they had a break up for a night or weekend to only find out their wife was already giving herself to a new guy the same night. I’m guessing / hoping it was a decent amount of time before she was in her new lover’s bed but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband thinks it happened really quickly.
> 
> Now if the marriage is truly over, I understand if she moves on but these 2 have been together for 27 years and have raised three kids together, I would think that after a relationship like that ends, you at least mourn the death of the marriage for a while. But it sounds like you’re saying that wives (yes, it’s usually women) that separate, they are free then and there?


Lots of mistakes were made , yes it was a decent amount of time .. and not that you'll probably even understand or get it. But let me just paint the picture before he left I kind of came out of the blue. I thought we were doing better. We're working on it. We got into disagreement and then he was like I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. I actually don't love you. I want a divorce. I'm packing up my stuff and I'm leaving. I begged and begged and begged and cried apologized again. I was still the therapy working on myself and when this happened my dad had just died. I literally thought I was going to die. I contemplated taking my life. That's how bad it was and lost about 15-20 lb. It was just really bad. I still didn't figure out that. The reason I needed so much attention from males was because of my childhood trauma, I didn't know all that yet. But anyway I'm just trying to figure out how long I should wait I guess wait for him maybe to heal? We had therapy today and he asked for more time, so of course I should give him more time right?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> I get your point and as I stated in an earlier post, I even understand why her H has not been able to get past this and reconnect with her. The damage has been done even though she has been doing therapy and what not. I get that and it is sad.
> 
> I also know that his heart is not going to care whether they were formally separated or not at the time.
> 
> ...


💔😔


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> We're working on it. We got into disagreement and then he was like I'm done.


what was the disagreement about???


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> what was the disagreement about???


I'm not sure but now in hindsight he was still very hurt from the emotional affair I had, so every little thing was like triggering


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> It goes both ways. If you don't want your partner to bang other dudes, don't dump and leave her because this is what chicks do.


I'm not the one claiming this situation is acceptable in any way. I believe they are done.

Don't start crying when you want to hang onto someone while you're ****ing someone else. That's going full **** and anyone with an I.Q. higher than 2 knows it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> I'm not sure but now in hindsight he was still very hurt from the emotional affair I had, so every little thing was like triggering


No, you remember every word and every syllable like it was this morning. 

what was the argument about and what triggered it?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> Breaking up at marriage because your husband won’t **** you is perfectly reasonable. It’s kind of a big deal. Unless there’s a medical reason.
> Antidepressants is a pretty much guaranteed no sex pill.


And even if there is a medical reason, there are many other things a couple can do to maintain intimacy and be sexual together, whether they have orgasms or not.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> No, you remember every word and every syllable like it was this morning.
> 
> what was the argument about and what triggered it?


Seriously I don't I smoke a lot of bud I don't ,we were out having a drink...we were in those and got into an argument...no reason for me to lie now lol


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> I don't get it.. I truly don't, we in the west screwed up and came up with our own crap in marriages and that's why we have a a society that's missed up completely!
> How does she have the right to step out just because the separation?!
> Separation doesn't nullify the vows you make, it doesn't, no matter how you want to spin it, you still will be committing adultery if you step out!
> 
> ...


Keep in mind that he told her to go do what she wants. She also said he did attempt to sleep around, but couldn't. It is still adultery no matter how you slice it, but it just shows the whole unhealthy dynamic of this marriage. I think it is time to end it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> but it just shows the whole unhealthy dynamic of this marriage. I think it is time to end it.


I tend to agree. This is a situation if allowed to continue someone could get bashed in the head with a shoe on the Jerry Springer Show.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> I tend to agree. This is a situation if allowed to continue someone could get bashed in the head with a shoe on the Jerry Springer Show.


Well , thanks 😔 don't think it' WAS that bad again this was 3'years ago and I'm a lot healthier now 😊


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Seriously I don't I smoke a lot of bud I don't ,we were out having a drink...we were in those and got into an argument...no reason for me to lie now lol


Yeah you are right, there is no reason for you to lie now so what was the argument over? What triggered him to decide that that was the day and the hour that it was over and that he was leaving?


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah you are right, there is no reason for you to lie now so what was the argument over? What triggered him to decide that that was the day and the hour that it was over and that he was leaving?


Idk


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Nolo publishes some useful books about divorce, which would be good to checkout whether you hire a lawyer to represent you, a mediator, or DIY.

Nolo.com is one place to find these books.

You could also start a thread in the Divorce sections of TAM.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Well , thanks 😔 don't think it' WAS that bad again this was 3'years ago and I'm a lot healthier now 😊





Torres 928 said:


> Idk


Ok you've had years of therapy and are a lot healthier now. 

So let's work together and walk this back to that watershed moment that changed the course of your life that you claim you do not remember.

You were out having a drink and kicking back chilling with some doobies and one minute you are are a married couple living in the marital home working on reconciliation and the next minute he is declaring the marriage over and packing his stuff leaving. 

What took place between point A and point B that changed the course of your life and your marriage? Think hard now. Was it that you ordered the nachos with queso instead of the cheese sauce? Is that was set him off. 

Or perhaps did something else come to light about your extra curricular activities or did you make some kind of dig towards him about the other man or your H's lack of prowess in bed? 

What changed the course of you life and marriage on that fateful night? I'm going to say upfront I don't beleive it was because you ordered the queso.


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## Torres 928 (Jan 11, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> Ok you've had years of therapy and are a lot healthier now.
> 
> So let's work together and walk this back to that watershed moment that changed the course of your life that you claim you do not remember.
> 
> ...


Have a good night


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Torres 928 said:


> Have a good night


In World War II during bombing runs on German factories in the heart of Germany, Allied bombers would take off from bases in England 6-8 hours of flight time away. 

They did not have GPS or navigation equipment as we know it today. Much of the navigation was by map and compass and sextents and trying to identify land features from 10,000+ feet in the air. 

Their basic navigation could get them to the major the cities like Berlin and Hamburg and Dresden etc but getting to the specific factories and war plants were a little more difficult. 

As they were coming up to the cities the anti aircraft fire would start firing and they would see the explosions in the air ahead of them. 

The pilots would intentionally turn the planes into AA fire and fly to where the flak was the most concentrated. 

Why did they do that???

Because they knew the flak was most concentrated at the target. They knew the more flak they were getting, that the closer they were to the target.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Torres 928 said:


> Please help!! I need advice!! After my husband and I were separated and living apart I was intimate with someone, he was not , that was 3 years ago , he's been back home for a year and still has not had sex with me, he says he wants to but can't , he loves me , and we are in therapy he has his own therapist as well so now we're talking divorce ( which we both don't want been together 27 years and have 3 kids) or sexless marriage but I'm very sexual he is not, but its not just sex, it's intmacy as well.
> 
> * I did step out on him prior to our separation no sex just texting


That absolutely destroys a man at times. You cheated then had sex while separated, does your husband know? If he does, you did this to him. He knows damn well he can’t and probably never has satisfied you. Women can absolutely build a man up to be better then he could be on his own. She can also bring him so low that he will never recover.

Congrats, you have successfully destroyed your husband.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Torres 928 said:


> I'm 45 and I work and have 3 kids ..I don't know scared of all of it , can't afford a lawyer , and our family breaking up


Then you should have never cheated.

Or

You should have cheated with someone that would have taken you in and supported you.

You come here complaining about a sexless marriage when you have been cheating on your husband. I wouldn’t ever touch my wife again if she cheated. Who the hell wants sloppy seconds while in a monogamous marriage.

Just divorce already and see your kids every other week.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Torres 928 said:


> I'm sure he can orgasm , I think he's actually being "stubborn" because his thoughts of me with someone so he stops


WTF. Did you seriously just say this?

you will never fix anything with that mentality.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Torres 928 said:


> Lol He's open to mediation. I'm just confused because my stepfather told me I should get a lawyer because I'm entitled to his pension???


You cheated on him and you are going to rape him financially as well? What a catch you are.


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## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

Torres 928 said:


> It's the fact that I was literally with someone else and he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it


I Wouldn't get past that as a man either knowing another man was pumping you, you were sucking him and he was sucking you, no way!! then when he does have sex with you, you'll be thinking of the other guyI wouldn't get back with you, problem solved!


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## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

CatholicDad said:


> Resentment and porn are a destructive combination for men. Isn’t this behavior at least in the same ballpark as your “stepping out”? Why does he get a pass to step out and you don’t?


because his experience is not tasting the flesh like she did


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

babbles1238 said:


> because his experience is not tasting the flesh like she did


Porn use is him wanting to “taste the flesh” but not having enough game to make it happen. I’d say there is little difference. Both carry the same intent- sexual gratification outside the marriage.


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## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

CatholicDad said:


> Porn use is him wanting to “taste the flesh” but not having enough game to make it happen. I’d say there is little difference. Both carry the same intent- sexual gratification outside the marriage.


depends on the man, maybe he's trying to hang on till he know he's knows he's a straight sucker!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

The keys to a good strong marriage are commitment to the marriage, shared goals and vision of the future together, trust, respect for the others boundaries and love.

If you choose to reconcile, you need to work on all these aspects.

Good luck. If you would like to try to rebuild what you have lost, M.W. Davis has a book called Divorce Busting that might have some ideas for you to try.


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