# Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?



## MamaInPDX (Jan 10, 2015)

*Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*

My husband and I met when we were just kids, hell, we're still in our mid/late twenties. We met at a very difficult time in my life. I was only 19, learning how to be an adult, and he was only 22, just starting to live his adult life, working and partying. We just focused on having a good time for the first few months... and then we decided to get serious. At first, he made it very clear that he didnt WANT anything serious, but some how, things changed, and we decided to move in together. we were only living together for 3 months when, to both of our surprise, I found out I was expecting... We were terrified, but I had always wanted to be a mother, so I basically told him I was keeping the baby, regardless of his fears...I know now, looking back, that this was really selfish, and I dont think he will ever forgive me for imposing such an epic responsibility on him... I still feel guilty every time he gets angry at our daughter...

Well, we stayed together, and made things work. We found happiness, and he seemed very supportive and present. We struggled financially, but still had eachother, and we focused on that to get through. We got married when our daughter was just about a year old, and I am just now starting to wonder if this was the wisest choice. We truly had the best of intentions... We have now been married for 3 years, and are doing better than ever financially, and independently, but there is this feeling I get... this feeling like we will never truly be happy or compatible, because we were never "meant to be." I am starting to think that we ended up together based on circumstance and ultimatum, rather than love and commitment. We are just so inherently different. He doesnt show emotion...and never has.Where as I'm very emotionally charged, and openly affection. I knew that going in to this, but I was so young, and naive, believing that this was just a short term relationship, so feelings would evolve in to more if it was meant to happen...well, it never happened. He tells me he loves me... I DO love him; Hes a wonderful father, provider, a very loyal man, who will stay with me even when hes unhappy...and I guess thats what scares me... feeling as though he is stuck, and thats why theres no emotion, passion... affection. We just, are, and co exist as partners and parents. It breaks my heart, feeling like my ultimate decision to become a parent held his heart hostage, and perhaps he is resentful... I just dont know. I am hoping to find some perspective from other married folks... I feel like I ruined his life... and maybe its the guilt thats eating away at our marriage...or maybe we're just truly not meant to be. Can people evolve out of eachother? Is it unfair for me to feel like he deserves better than me, and me as well, and in turn want to leave? Im at a loss.


Also, before anyone gets judgy, in the beginning, We both made the decision to have sex unprotected, knowing (subconsciously) that I could get pregnant. There was no lying or deceiving involved.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

*Re: Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*

Your marriage sounds platonic, without that spark that most good marriages have, where both parties work hard to keep the fires burning. He probably never figured out if he wanted to get married or not, to have a child or not. If he married you out of a sense of obligation, the chances of your marriage being strong is slim. After the honeymoon period, you two never figured out if your compatible enough to keep going. I suggest some time apart, and see if the marriage is really what either of you want. Detaching, and distance will help give you both a different prospective. If under normal circumstances you would not end up together, you probably should not be together.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

*Re: Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*



MamaInPDX said:


> .I know now, looking back, that this was really selfish, and I dont think he will ever forgive me for imposing such an epic responsibility on him... I still feel guilty every time he gets angry at our daughter...
> 
> 
> Also, before anyone gets judgy, in the beginning, We both made the decision to have sex unprotected, knowing (subconsciously) that I could get pregnant. There was no lying or deceiving involved.


Why do you feel guilty when you both knew what you were doing? Have you asked him his feelings about your pregnancy? Does he feel guilty? He is as much responsible for it as you are.


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## MamaInPDX (Jan 10, 2015)

*Re: Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*

Well, I feel guilty because once i was pregnant, he didnt have any other options... I feel like I never considered whether or not he was ready... I basically said, either you can stick around, or not, but i want to be a mother. :/


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

*Re: Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*



MamaInPDX said:


> Well, I feel guilty because once i was pregnant, he didnt have any other options... I feel like I never considered whether or not he was ready... I basically said, either you can stick around, or not, but i want to be a mother. :/


"Well, he should feel guilty because once you got pregnant, you did not have any other options--- He should feel that he never considered whether or not you were ready..."

Again, he is responsible as much as you are. Do not find excuses for him.

What would he have done instead if he you did not have a child yet?


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

*Re: Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*



MamaInPDX said:


> Well, I feel guilty because once i was pregnant, he didnt have any other options... I feel like I never considered whether or not he was ready... I basically said, either you can stick around, or not, but i want to be a mother. :/


Those WERE his only options. You didn't give him choices that weren't already there. Nor was it your choice to make - it was his. You cannot ever force someone to make a decision. 

There are always options. People like to say they had no choice when what they really mean is "I don't LIKE any of these choices so I'm a victim." 

Are these ideas if him being a victim coming from you, or him?


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## Jeffiner (Jan 10, 2015)

*Re: Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*

I'm in a very similar situation. 

We've been together 15 years, since I was 15, and married for 5. We've got a 3 year old and a nearly 2 year old.

We've grown up together and no nothing other than being together really. But there's no affection they're whatsoever. If it wasn't for the fact he's a wonderful father to our children I think we'd have split by now. 
But. There's a lot to loose, we've built this actually pretty good life together, but I don't think we've ever really stopped to think if it's the life we actually want. 

Selfishly I want to find a partner that really loves me and shows affection. I feel like my desire for this type of happiness is wrong, given that we have a lovely home and two wonderful children together. 

Ultimately we are fantastic parents, but we aren't really close as a couple, or even friends, any more, only by default of living together. 

So I'm afraid I have no advice, I wish I did. But I understand. I terrified at the prospect that maybe our marriage has run its course all ready, it feels like such a failure. But I wonder if I'm failing myself and my sons more by keeping the marriage going. I can't have them growing up thing this is a happy marriage! 

Sorry I couldn't be more help, sending hugs!


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

*Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*

Sounds like you have outgrown each other.
Does he feel the same?


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## MamaInPDX (Jan 10, 2015)

*Re: Got married quite young, now wondering if we've "evolved" out of our marriage?*



lovesmanis said:


> Sounds like you have outgrown each other.
> Does he feel the same?


No, he does not. He says when he was growing up, he never saw his parents being very affectionate, to eachother or him...and hes an only child, so he says he struggles with it, but wants to be better about it... I guess I take it very personal, and assume hes not happy...but I am starting to think that maybe I perceive his love differently than he intends... He loves to just sit and watch a movie together and laugh, but he doesnt really like to snuggle all that much saying things like "im too hot" or "i get too uncomfortable." .. makes me feel rejected, i guess. We're going to therapy together, and I think its making a difference.


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