# Really in need of advice!



## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I won't post my whole story in this thread due to it's length the original is in considering divorce or seperation, and the rest is in the thread on 180 support.

The problem i'm having is we are seperated, i'm moving out next month. I have actually grown stronger and happier with myself which has been great, this isn't due to the seperation but to the seperation waking me up. My wife and I were both lost, I've found my path but still have many miles to travel, she says she needs space and is taking off for the summer leaving my daughter with my parents because i work 7 days a week and i wont see my daughter much because they live 2 hours away.

I have been trying to figure out how to handle myself appropriatly around her, from what I have read here and in the book "The way of the superior man" (might have got the title wrong book is in the other room), i need to be either doing a 180 or need to be fulling showing my love for her no matter how she is acting by touch voice, etc. 

Unfortunatly She says she doesn't want to be touched, and I don't think she wants to hear i love you all the time. I was to clingy which was part of our problem to begin with she never wanted to hear i love you all the time or be hugged and kissed all the time etc. this was my fault. Also if not doing the 180 I need to be reading her moods which I am very poor at so it is hard for my to judge how to react to things. I am moving on with my life, as she is but I want us to work I am not giving up on us bt i am going on with my life, and i told her that. I honestly don't know what to say or how to react though. We have both messed up in our relationship multiple times one way or another, and i have just now gotten past the past where she hasn't been able to get over any of it yet, she has forgiven me but not gone past it. I pulled away due to her EA/PA's and that was the wrong way to go about it it drove us farther apart and created even more animosity. her having EA/PA's drove me away. I think she may be going to see the last EA/PA this summer as a side trip to her vacation. I am fine with this since we are seperated (I don't like it but can and will deal with it and not let it affect us) I know they would never work anyway. Either way what is the best thing i can do to get her back without compromising myself at this point? Any advice is welcome and appreciated.

To those that have posted to my other threads and anyone else I apologize if I havent responded on your threads, I just don't feel i'm at a point that I can safely give my advice to someone and not risk giving them bad advice as I'm lost in my own situation as to what to do. 

The one thing I know I need to do I am already working on and succeeding and thats getting my head straight. Beyond that I have no clue though.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Have you read Michele Weiner-Davis's books "Divorce Busting"" or "Divorce Remedy"?
They are very good, solution oriented books.
Usually self help books bore me to tears but these two were very helpful.

I am sorry your going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

No Delinquentgirl I haven't read them. I will have to look into them ty for the advice. Do they help even if its one way? I have a few more books on order already but will try and get those also. TY again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I suggest reading "Love must be tough" by Dobson


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Ditto!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Darksoul, it's terrible to be in this situation but I must admit, you
will be just fine. Look at the last two sentences of your thread,
you have answered all your questions there, get yourself right, 
the rest of us have no idea neither but it's better we concentrate
on ourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

It's often hard to know what to do, especially in the beginning DS. I've been at my own for well over a year now, and still no divorce. However, that being said I have learned what not to do:


blame, accomplishes nothing as she thinks you're the problem
lash out, as long as you're both angry you have absolutely no chance at settling
being bitter, stepchild and companion of blame, but it poisons you and prevents you from making progress in your new life
wanting justice, I promise you brother justice "ain't gonna be found in no court room, so don't bother a lookin"

I wish I could offer you more than this, but sometimes just knowing what not to do is enough to get you going. That being said, I am personally guilty of violating all of the above. It's probably why I'm still at this after more than a year. Let my tale be a cautionary one of what not to do. God Bless.

LIL


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Darksoul said:


> No Delinquentgirl I haven't read them. I will have to look into them ty for the advice. Do they help even if its one way? I have a few more books on order already but will try and get those also. TY again.


Absolutely. I've read both of them, and my H & I have been separated for over 2 months now. The books really make you look at yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

TY all for the help. All the books you mentioned were either on order when I made the first post of this thread or as of yesterday. I am working on myself and that wont stop I need to do it for me. The wife and I are not fighting at all which makes this scary because every other time we have been seperated we fought badly (This time i am actaully going to be able to move out unlike other times due to past finances). 

We live in Florida, but she is leaving for the summer to spend some time at a freinds in Texas, which is cool she could use a vacation and getting out of the house. I have a feeling she is going to Oklahoma also to see her last EA/PA. I know they wont work out but he does get violent which worries me for her sake. I am not trying to stop her from seeing anyone as I know we are no longer together and are moving on in our lives (though it still hurts). But This guy has gotten violent with her many times online. She "loves him" but says she doesn't want a relationship right now. I'm just afraid he will hurt her, but I cant say anything because she will think i'm jeolous and I don't want to hold her back from doing what makes her happy. I also worry she will move him in back here which could place my daughter at risk. Granted if he ever hurt my daughter i'd bury him, but I would rather that she never be put in that situation.

I also worry this will all just move us farther apart, I know the seperation needs to happen, but I know if we actually try especially with the new things i'm learning we can make this work (not going to force it though), i'm just worried I wont have a chance to prove it. I can live without her and be happy, but I know from the past we can be even happier together if we fix things. I know it is basically a waiting game at this point and I am focusing on myself as I should. It is just hard when you love someone so much and have lost them knowing that it is possible to make things work.

TY all again for the help, and good luck in your relationships and with yourself, you all have been a great help from the first day I joined this site.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants to ride off into the sunset with some guy wh ohas been violent, then she will suffer the consequences. It's not going to be your problem anymore. Let her feel the consequences of her actions.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I understand that. She is Truly lost and lonely though. She is trying to find herself and has no clue how to do it. I can't and wont stop her it is not my decision or my place either anymore. She loves him but they are basically freinds, they were more, I think they wil get together but i know they wont last. She gets lonely and we grow apart and she finds someone else this is like the 5th+ time, and before i always pulled away which didnt help matters. She is truly done with me I beleive but still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. 

She feels I haven't tried hard enough to find work and things like that. For a short while i was so frustrated I didnt look to hard i admit, but most of the time i applied to many positions daily, I didn't go out to many places because i got tired of everyone telling me to apply online. I tried many places but she felt i needed to apply at more menial jobs such as dishwashing etc. I had applied for many menial jobs but gave up never getting any call backs. After 9 years working for Intel no one will even look at someone appling for dishwashing position with thousands of others with no or lesser skillsets out there trying to find work that the company knows wont leave for awhile or try to get more pay. I can't take it off my resume or they will think i'm a bum and don't really want to work, and if i place something else on the resume and they check it out they wont hire me because i lied about working somewhere i didn't. I actually interviewed for ajob at costco, 5 minutes into the interview the three managers said i had the job but wanted to finish to see which position to place me in since they had multiple openings, by the end of the interview the main manager looked nervous and they talked outside came backa nd said they wont hire me because i wont be happy there. I think he was scared i'd take his job. She hasn't worked a "normal job" in 20 years (she did work though for awhile, she was a dancer (NOT how we met though, don't get the wrong idea we met in a coffee shop when she came in with a freind i knew. and doesn't understand the economy as it currently is. I have taken and am working a job i don't like just to get by, I have no issue with this. She feels I have to take care of things but i tried i can't force other peoples decisions.

There is so much going on i don't know where to start or what to think, all i know is i'm getting better with myself and will keep doing so. I'm still looking for full time work after 2 years (found one job but they layed the entire crew off 1 1/2 weeks later including me) I start another part time job on monday which will equal a full time job but i still wont have benefits and ill be back to working 7 days a week again (which the amount of time i spend working had been issues for us in the past) and I wont see my daughter much.

Just going to keep doing what i'm doing for myself i guess lost as to what to do otherwise. TY again for your help.


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

I've been amazed reading on the boards here the past few months with how many people are going through the same thing that I am. Good luck to you!


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I read some of the thread titles to my H last night trying to give him an awareness of how many people are in the same situation we're in and hoping for a modicum of light to filter through to him...it didn't seem to matter. 

Thanks for all the book advice and all the words of wisdom. I hope some day soon to be in a position to respond with clarity and hope for others here.

Good luck to each and every one of you in your new paths.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Had a weird night last night. We somehow got to talking about when I move out. Since I wont have crap for money she said i could stay with her in the third bedroom or even sleep in the same bed if we have to as long as nothing happens and we are comfortable with it. She also said I may get some moving out sex. How am I supposed to take that and what am I to do with it. Sex in our relationship has been practically non exhistant, and she is still planning to go see her "freind" (EA/PA from online, which she broke up with but is still talking to) on her roadtrip next month. I still plan to move out. Should I make love to her again if the opportunity arises or just calmly turn her down? When she said it I laughed and said she was funny, didn't know what else to do. we have only had make up sex once and we were seperated then but living together, she said she wanted back together, a few months later in an argument i found out we actually never got back together then and she was just drunk and lonely that night. I'm so confused, would sex possibly place us on better terms or back on the right track for our relationship, or make things harder? I do want her back but don't want to screw our chances up. I don't want her to do it because she feels lonely or lost, or that she owes me or anything. If she wants it, it needs to be for real. Please advise?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Darksoul said:


> Had a weird night last night. We somehow got to talking about when I move out. Since I wont have crap for money she said i could stay with her in the third bedroom or even sleep in the same bed if we have to as long as nothing happens and we are comfortable with it. She also said I may get some moving out sex. How am I supposed to take that and what am I to do with it. Sex in our relationship has been practically non exhistant, and she is still planning to go see her "freind" (EA/PA from online, which she broke up with but is still talking to) on her roadtrip next month. I still plan to move out. Should I make love to her again if the opportunity arises or just calmly turn her down? When she said it I laughed and said she was funny, didn't know what else to do. we have only had make up sex once and we were seperated then but living together, she said she wanted back together, a few months later in an argument i found out we actually never got back together then and she was just drunk and lonely that night. I'm so confused, would sex possibly place us on better terms or back on the right track for our relationship, or make things harder? I do want her back but don't want to screw our chances up. I don't want her to do it because she feels lonely or lost, or that she owes me or anything. If she wants it, it needs to be for real. Please advise?


My opinion - sex when the rest is in turmoil just confuses things. It sounds like she just wants to get laid and you are hoping it means something. If you do, I think your heart will get stomped.
How old is your daughter? I understand you have to do what you need to earn a living but aren't you a little pissed that your wife's selfishness ie. 'Pretend' vacation means you can't see your daughter all summer because she needs to be taken care of 2 hours away? Most people vacation with their children. That statement about what your wife is doing says a lot right there. And you want her why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Dark Soul you sound very calm and measured in the midst of all this. It has inspired me. My husband due to move out soon, and I would love to turn this situation around but don't think I have the time .

Over the past 7 months I have continually been trying to problem solve, for him, for me, for the both of us !!

Which is why I have now stopped. I am reluctant to buy books as I feel I might get into that 'mode' again, when I think it will be alright again if only we...............

When the reality is I will probably be trying to fix it alone. I don't want to get all over involved again. Have been trying to give space and allow him to see what is her, taking the line that if he can't I have to accept we treally do want different things.

Would be glad to know if these books can really be of use, for an individual, and if appropriate when living separately. Are they gonna put me back, or help me accept whatever happens do you think? I live on this site at the moment, it is so helpful.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Golfergirl, I honestly beleive she is lost right now and needs the time. I do beleive it's bull she plans to stop and see the "freind" (the one she had the EA/PA with) and i think she thinks i'll be sitting here as a backup. I already know they wont last. She does need time to find herself though. She will run into many responsabilities she doesn't realize when i'm gone, but she actually brought up possibly getting a job on her own again which supprised me. I most likely wont have sex with her, I agree it does confuse things and she has had one night stands before (never been able to do that in my entire life). I just worry it may be the last chance to bring her around though i would still move out because I know we aren't ready to bee back together. She hasnt asked for a divorce and seems to be waking up a little and seeing the changes in me. I just don't want to make a wrong move and screw this up. She has one of the most beautiful hearts i've ever encountered but its burried beneath so much crap from her entire life she has trouble finding it, after being a dancer for so many years using people is second nature to her and half the time she doesn't even realize she does it, she had the EA/PA without the guy knowing we were married. When she told him they broke up. Then a few days later he said he would wait for her, then me and her broke up. They talk continually since. If she wants to have sex, what do I tell her to get out of it and not mess things up?

Reindeer, I myself am moving out in a month would have already but financially can't. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am trying to fix things myself also. Many of the things we want are similar and always have been we just neglected ourselves and each other and stopped doing those things which caused us to grow apart more. As for being calm yes I am to a point, but I wasn't at first and it still hurts like hell. as for buying books they wont fix you or your relationship BUT if you find one with good advice can help you to help yourself. One in particular ("The way of the superior man" which woman like also) has helped me to see how I affected the relationship and she affected the relationship in some ways i never realized which helps me correct the things i did within myself for now and the future whether it is with her or not. Basically the books are showing me more that If theres any chance for the relationship, or for a lasting one in the future I need to take care of myself and has opened my eyes to how lost from myself i truly was. As i get more of myself back things do tend to get easier in general, and I am becoming happier with myself. Yes the pain is still there and it hurts worst then can be put into words but I am able to go on easier and I actually have less pain as i get better. He may not come back to you no one knows, that is why you have to work on yourself, if he does come back but your not strong in yourself it wont last, if he doesnt come back then you will be able to move on easier. Focus on yourself, love yourself because you deserve it and need to. Eventually if you do this everything will fall into place where it should be wherever that is. Good luck, I wish you the best, you can do it, but odo it for yourself not him.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks for your kind words Darksoul. I have ordered a book now. Even as I amsitting writing this, the mood has switched in the house. My husband spoke about accommodation he has looked up. I was made redundant last month and have just got a very low paid job with very few hours a week which will build up in time, but won't be half of what I earned before. I also have a small franchise, which brings in a small income. I have to talk about finances to my husband, but I know he is feeling trapped as he is now ready to go. Unlike you who seems very resigned to waiting until you can manage. I think this is going to drive a big wedge between us. It is hard to try to remain caring and friendly, when I feel so insecure.

I am going to try to work on myself and remain calm like you seem to be doing. I really hope that things will sort out for you in a way that you feel happy, I am sure you are growing stronger everyday. 

It will be hard for you when your wife is away and you must be worried about her, but there is really not much you can do about it. Will she be keeping in contact or would you prefer not to.

I think sex would confuse things. Have done that in the past when I sparated 12 years ago, but it can leave both of you confused-possible angry, and regretful.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Reindeer,
The financial stuff on my end is one of many of our issues. I got layed off from Intel 2 years ago. took a year and a half to find a job, got layed off a week and a half later. finally about two months ago got a part time job, and I am getting ready to start a second part time job in an hour.

Having no money and unable to find work puts even more stress on a relationship. I still can't afford medical, dental, vision etc. I can't afford the bills we have living together and when i move out, I'm not sure how I will survive, but it is something i must and I am going to do. I am the only one currently with a job or income. I have to let go and go on with my life, for myself and for my daughter. You will get better and things will get easier, just do what you need for yourself, and do the things you you enjoy for yourself if only 30-60 minutes a day. You will slowly get stronger and happier. Try to stay busy and not dwell (that doesn't mean suppress it though). Good luck to you also, I have faith in you.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I just realized something that has got me really thinking. All of the times we have been in the process of divorce or seperated (not just a few) excluding the first time, she had an EA,PA and asked for the seperation or divorce. I'm not saying I never did anything wrong but I will no longer put up with this, I think we are going from seperation to divorce faster then I realized. After all the other men (the reason or seriousness of thier relationship doesn't really matter) and it being constant every 1-3 years and the fact she hasnt been in love with me for 11 years but didnt tell me until recently I am no longer sure why I even want to reconcille. I am not going to be a doormat, safety net/fallback guy, someone there for sex because shes lonely. 

I gaurantee when things go bad with this other guy which she knows is violent she will come back to me, but it wont be that easy this time, I am not going to go back to her at that point, It will take much more then her just asking me back.

I can't wait to move out and get out of this stressful situation, I am more then ready to go on with my life, If she wants me back she will have to prove "she wants it" and make a full commitment, and no more of being "freinds" with people she cheated on me with emotionaly or physically. This last statement may put me in a divorce but if thats the way it goes I will survive. She can justify her actions however she wants for herself but i'm not buying it.

I love her and would like to work it out but I come first and thats how it is going to be, just as she needs to take care of herself first.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

You are sounding really positive today Darksoul. Coming round to genuinely thinking about your own feelings and not being vulnerable again is healthy. (Unfortunately this is working against me at the moment, as my husband has felt vulnerable).

Everyday I search for a little quote or something that I can use to move forward.

Today I read somewhere, instead of viewing the void in your life when your spouse leaves the relationship.

*Try to view your life as a blank empty room, which you are going to decorate the way you want. *

I have not given up on trying with my husband, even though we are not discussing things. Hoping he can see changes, and if not what is the point? But am working at things to interest me as well. Just booked a weekend away with some free vouchers I had with my daughter at the end of May. Something nice to look forward to :smthumbup:


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