# Hi I'm new/dealing with emotional affair?



## blewbell

Hi I'm new! I'm a married early 50's woman married to high school sweetheart with LOTs of issues. We have two children son 25 who we don't have contact with due to drugs/teenage problems he never grew out of. Also a daughter in early twenties who lives with us, she works and is doing well, other than going through a breakup of a 5 year relationship. I have always been the breadwinner in the family. Currently working remotely in a high stress IT job. 

Husband had a full blown affair in mid 2000s with a coworker, it has been a largely sexless marriage(his decision!), with that picking up lately due to his weight loss and _I think_ his infatuation with a much younger woman. This woman is my daughter's best friend, and since he met her he has made many changes in his life, weight loss, exercise, new interests, old interests revived, etc. He had gained a lot of weight after his affair several years ago and our marriage fell into a pattern of a business relationship and raising kids, with our son taking a toll on the entire family and still does. This girl came into our lives in 2019 and to make a long story short, I recently hacked into his fb and found messages to this girl since 2020. He sends her poems, asks how her day is, alters her photos as digital art and sends her all sorts of cute pic me ups, but nothing overtly sexual. He asks her to family events without my daughter's knowledge, says he misses her, etc. 

He says I'm overreacting and jealous, that I just want to control him and keep him all to myself. I don't think I feel this way. My daughter and I both asked him to quit contacting her over a year ago when it came out. I don't care if he is in my life or not anymore, but if he is, he is not going to make a fool out of himself, this girl and my daughter. Does this seem right to you all? I feel like the gaslighting and rationalization is making me crazy.


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## BigDaddyNY

blewbell said:


> Hi I'm new! I'm a married early 50's woman married to high school sweetheart with LOTs of issues. We have two children son 25 who we don't have contact with due to drugs/teenage problems he never grew out of. Also a daughter in early twenties who lives with us, she works and is doing well, other than going through a breakup of a 5 year relationship. I have always been the breadwinner in the family. Currently working remotely in a high stress IT job.
> 
> Husband had a full blown affair in mid 2000s with a coworker, it has been a largely sexless marriage(his decision!), with that picking up lately due to his weight loss and _I think_ his infatuation with a much younger woman. This woman is my daughter's best friend, and since he met her he has made many changes in his life, weight loss, exercise, new interests, old interests revived, etc. He had gained a lot of weight after his affair several years ago and our marriage fell into a pattern of a business relationship and raising kids, with our son taking a toll on the entire family and still does. This girl came into our lives in 2019 and to make a long story short, I recently hacked into his fb and found messages to this girl since 2020. He sends her poems, asks how her day is, alters her photos as digital art and sends her all sorts of cute pic me ups, but nothing overtly sexual. He asks her to family events without my daughter's knowledge, says he misses her, etc.
> 
> He says I'm overreacting and jealous, that I just want to control him and keep him all to myself. I don't think I feel this way. My daughter and I both asked him to quit contacting her over a year ago when it came out. I don't care if he is in my life or not anymore, but if he is, he is not going to make a fool out of himself, this girl and my daughter. Does this seem right to you all? I feel like the gaslighting and rationalization is making me crazy.


Sounds pretty clear that he needs to be dumped. Sounds like a worthless POS. Think about it, he wants to get in the pants of a woman your daughter's age. Isn't that pretty creepy. Why in the world are you staying married?


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## blewbell

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Thank you for your insight.


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## BigDaddyNY

blewbell said:


> That's what I'm trying to figure out. Thank you for your insight.


He has deluded himself that a young 20 something will have real interest in a 50 year old loser that isn't even the breadwinner for his family and cheats on his wife. 

You really need to ask yourself why you would continue to be married to him. Cut him loose while you still have time to live a fulfilling life without him as dead weight around your neck.


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## Evinrude58

blewbell said:


> Hi I'm new! I'm a married early 50's woman married to high school sweetheart with LOTs of issues. We have two children son 25 who we don't have contact with due to drugs/teenage problems he never grew out of. Also a daughter in early twenties who lives with us, she works and is doing well, other than going through a breakup of a 5 year relationship. I have always been the breadwinner in the family. Currently working remotely in a high stress IT job.
> 
> Husband had a full blown affair in mid 2000s with a coworker, it has been a largely sexless marriage(his decision!), with that picking up lately due to his weight loss and _I think_ his infatuation with a much younger woman. This woman is my daughter's best friend, and since he met her he has made many changes in his life, weight loss, exercise, new interests, old interests revived, etc. He had gained a lot of weight after his affair several years ago and our marriage fell into a pattern of a business relationship and raising kids, with our son taking a toll on the entire family and still does. This girl came into our lives in 2019 and to make a long story short, I recently hacked into his fb and found messages to this girl since 2020. He sends her poems, asks how her day is, alters her photos as digital art and sends her all sorts of cute pic me ups, but nothing overtly sexual. He asks her to family events without my daughter's knowledge, says he misses her, etc.
> 
> He says I'm overreacting and jealous, that I just want to control him and keep him all to myself. I don't think I feel this way. My daughter and I both asked him to quit contacting her over a year ago when it came out. I don't care if he is in my life or not anymore, but if he is, he is not going to make a fool out of himself, this girl and my daughter. Does this seem right to you all? I feel like the gaslighting and rationalization is making me crazy.


You are correct. Don’t accept the gaslighting. He’s cheated once already, and now he’s overtly chasing your daughters friend?

yeah, it’s time to throw this clownfish back into the sea.


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## blewbell

He _says_ he opened this dialogue to keep this girl in my daughter's life. They went to school together and she did help my daughter get a good job. And she does need a friend in the industry. But I still think it's ********. He's never been that concerned before and as my daughter says, wouldn't he encourage me to reach out to her instead of him if he was concerned?


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## BigDaddyNY

blewbell said:


> He _says_ he opened this dialogue to keep this girl in my daughter's life. They went to school together and she did help my daughter get a good job. And she does need a friend in the industry. But I still think it's ******. He's never been that concerned before and as my daughter says, wouldn't he encourage me to reach out to her instead of him if he was concerned?


Yes, he is just lying about his intentions. You don't write poems to someone you are trying to keep professionally engaged for your daughter.. All BS


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## Evinrude58

blewbell said:


> He _says_ he opened this dialogue to keep this girl in my daughter's life. They went to school together and she did help my daughter get a good job. And she does need a friend in the industry. But I still think it's ******. He's never been that concerned before and as my daughter says, wouldn't he encourage me to reach out to her instead of him if he was concerned?


Gaslighting


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## Evinrude58

Your husband is not just a cheater, but an idiot. Get your daughters friend to send him a sexually charged text and ask her to ask him to meet her at a hotel…… the idiot would bite on that in a second. He’s totally full of crap. My question is why does the young lady keep communicating? Why is she not totally creeped out?


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## re16

This is why you should have dumped him after the prior affair....

Time to finally get it over with....


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## uwe.blab

what does the daughter's friend think? Has she asked him to stop?


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## blewbell

Yeah, she answers him so daughter and I can't figure out why she answers. She did reach out to my daughter last month and showed the messages to her. We had no idea they were still communicating. Pretty sure she has some daddy issues and likes the attention. Daughter wants her to hang out all the time here since she's going through breakup. I guess it's her youth, but I don't think she understands the seriousness of this and how I feel. It's getting old and I feel like I'm going to have to burn the whole house down. Good idea on the text, doubt daugher would want anything to do with that though. This whole situation is the most juvenile, unpredictable one I've ever found myself in.


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## Evinrude58

I know you’re hurting over this, but you could borrow the friends phone, set him up, and YOU be waiting for him in the hotel to pimp slap him into next week.


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## *Deidre*

Why are you staying with this guy? He is so not worth anymore of your time.


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## Openminded

He’s full of it if he thinks he can sell that explanation. I see no reason to stay.


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## Prodigal

I think it's time for you to stop asking questions and start coming up with answers. What I mean is you need to decide how to respond to this situation. Your husband sounds worthless. Does he even work? You mentioned you've always been the "breadwinner." The only problem I see is that if you divorce, you may have to pay him spousal support. Also, half of the assets acquired during marriage will be his.

So you'll need to answer the question as to whether or not you'll be better off without him. After the first affair, I would have dumped this clown like radioactive waste. JMO


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## oldshirt

Any reason you need or even want him around other than to not go through the hassle of divorce?


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## TRy

You stated that “He sends her poems, asks how her day is, alters her photos as digital art and sends her all sorts of cute pic me ups, but nothing overtly sexual. He asks her to family events without my daughter's knowledge, says he misses her, etc.”. 

You also stated that “My daughter and I both asked him to quit contacting her over a year ago when it came out.”

The fact that your proven cheater husband is going around your daughter in contacting her best friend, and that he is ignoring his daughter’s request that he stop, speaks volumes about who he is as a man. What a loser.


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## blewbell

Yeah it's the money situation. I will not be able to retire on half of my (our) assets. The economic climate isn't helping this at all.


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## Prodigal

blewbell said:


> I will not be able to retire on half of my (our) assets. The economic climate isn't helping this at all.


Unfortunately, many folks are in the same boat. I can certainly understand that you don't want this jerk to waltz off with half of the marital assets.

I'd suggest you carve out a fulfilling life for yourself and have as little to do with him as possible. I assume you sleep in separate bedrooms. If not, instigate that plan ASAP. Cultivate interests, hobbies, friends, whatever. Just live the best life you can, although I must admit that I'd find it repulsive to inhabit the same space as a man who plays online slap-and-tickle with a girl young enough to be his daughter. Yuck.


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## A18S37K14H18

Trading "happiness" for money is never a good thing.

He's a serial cheater.

He's lying to you and he knows it and you know it.

There aren't any consequences for him for doing this either. He knows you're not going anywhere.

OP, you also know this, or should know this.

Your husband definitely WOULD have sex with this young lady, if she was willing.

She may not, but that isn't the point, is it? The point is that you KNOW your husband would have sex with her, if she was willing. He knows that and you know that.

If this young lady isn't willing, it's only a matter of time until he finds one who is willing.


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## Beach123

blewbell said:


> He _says_ he opened this dialogue to keep this girl in my daughter's life. They went to school together and she did help my daughter get a good job. And she does need a friend in the industry. But I still think it's ******. He's never been that concerned before and as my daughter says, wouldn't he encourage me to reach out to her instead of him if he was concerned?


He’s a bold faced liar. He does it to stroke his ego and he knows he’s betraying his wife and daughter by doing so.

i would end it as soon as possible!


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## Beach123

blewbell said:


> Yeah it's the money situation. I will not be able to retire on half of my (our) assets. The economic climate isn't helping this at all.


that wouldn’t matter to me - staying would be a death sentence. Looking at him every day would make me physically sick after knowing how he’s purposely betraying you!

the guy has serious problems - he shouldn’t be married at all! And he’s creepy! Creeping on someone his daughters age! Dispicable!


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## Casual Observer

blewbell said:


> Yeah it's the money situation. I will not be able to retire on half of my (our) assets. The economic climate isn't helping this at all.


So have you come to an informal arrangement of sorts, a marriage without intimacy because you don’t trust him, and he assumes nothing will change down the road? Was there ever a “You can do whatever you want, I don’t care, just don’t expect anything from me” false truce?


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## She'sStillGotIt

blewbell said:


> _*Husband had a full blown affair in mid 2000s with a coworker, it has been a largely sexless marriage(his decision!), with that picking up lately due to his weight loss and I think his infatuation with a much younger woman. This woman is my daughter's best friend, and since he met her he has made many changes in his life, weight loss, exercise, new interests, old interests revived, etc. He had gained a lot of weight after his affair several years ago and our marriage fell into a pattern of a business relationship and raising kids, with our son taking a toll on the entire family and still does. This girl came into our lives in 2019 and to make a long story short, I recently hacked into his fb and found messages to this girl since 2020. He sends her poems, asks how her day is, alters her photos as digital art and sends her all sorts of cute pic me ups, but nothing overtly sexual. He asks her to family events without my daughter's knowledge, says he misses her, etc. *_


Normally, women who aren't financially secure will stay with a cheating scumbag like this because she has no choice and is financially dependent on him. You see that happen all the time. For whatever reason is your own, you chose to stay with Mr. Wonderful after his FIRST affair (the first one that you *know* of, that is).

Here he is again, being the low life you know him to be. You say you're the breadwinner of the family. Since you make more money than Mr. Wonderful, that means he's not even good at being the family provider, much less anything *else*.

That begs the question - why on EARTH would you stay with such a loser?


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