# Separate or stay??



## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Hi there, I stumbled upon this website and am hoping to receive some genuine feedback/advice. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 2. We were young when we got together and endured some trying times early on. There were instances of my husband lying to me about some pretty big and upsetting things (this was about 10 years ago). He had hooked up with a girl when we were "on a break," so though it wasn't cheating, it was very hurtful..mostly because he lied about his actions and I found out the truth later on. Around that same time, when we were in college, he was really into porn (in college) and lied to me a lot about it. Since that time, we were able to resolve big issues and, though we have had ups and downs and challenges over the past 10 years, we really grew up, matured, and he became a really great, honest, trustworthy man. For years, he has been my best friend and I have trusted him completely. I know that he would never cheat on me, and I have felt good being with him. We went to counseling before we got married, and things have been pretty good overall.

Today, however, I discovered something that brought me right back to 10 years ago when he used to lie to me. I felt feelings of shock and disbelief and pain I had forgotten about. But I was taken right back and feel completely traumatized and betrayed. What happened was I had to go into my husband's email to get a flight itinerary for his upcoming business trip. I only am on his email a few times a year, when I need a confirmation email or something like an itinerary. When in the email thread with the itinerary (which was a thread between my husband, his boss, and some coworkers) I noticed an unusual box I had never seen before that said some messages of the thread had been deleted. I thought this was very strange; why would my husband delete portions of a work related thread? I guess maybe it was his guilty conscience thinking that I go in his email so he has to hide things, when in actuality I can count on one hand how often I am on his email. So I clicked a button that said "restore deleted messages." Then I saw what he didn't want me to see: portions of the thread that mentioned a gig my husband had worked a couple of weeks ago that he had lied to me about. My husband is very talented in his profession and most of the gigs he works are very professional and there are no problems. In his line of work, though, there are sometimes events which involve girls dancing in their underwear. It turns out my husband had worked a 15 hour day, working closely with these half naked girls, and lied to me about it. I specifically remember asking him about it because it was such a long day, and he lied right to my face and said it was something completely different than what it was. He then deleted portions of the thread to hide evidence, and even went so far as to forward me a message from his boss and he deleted some of his boss' sentences that referred the event he had lied about! I couldn't believe it. His boss literally wrote "you deserve this trip, especially after your work with [the half naked dancers]." It broke my heart. I couldn't believe that he had accepted the gig in the first place because he knows how I feel about that kinda stuff (what wife would want her husband around girls dancing in their underwear for 15 hours?). He is a contractor so he can make his own schedule and choose to accept or decline gigs. I understand it's work, but I can't help my old fashioned feelings and not being thrilled at the idea of this event. If it was honestly discussed up front, I would feel way better about it than him deliberately lying to me and doing it behind my back. I confronted him about his lies, and his explanation was that it was a good career opportunity so he didn't want to turn it down, yet he didn't want to tell me about it because he knew I would be upset. I feel so betrayed, like I can never trust him again. I will always think he is lying and or hiding something from me. I also feel like a fool because everyone he works with knew about what he had done and were all high fiving and congratulating him....and I was the only one who didn't know a thing about it. The lie was so intentional....I feel like I can't even trust him as a friend, let alone a spouse. 

So all those old feelings from 10 years ago, when we were young and unsure of who we were, came back. Only this time, we are adults. We are married. I feel betrayed, like our marriage vows have been broken. I just cannot believe that he would lie to me like this (and then lie to protect his lies, etc). It is so hurtful! I hate this pain and this hollowness I feel. I thought this was the behavior of college students, not married adults 10 years later who had supposedly resolved such issues. I no longer feel safe or protected. This lie on its own may not seem like a big deal, but coupled with the lies of the past, I now feel skeptical and unsure of everything. Adding to my heartache is feeling completely alone. Just last year I quit my job, left my family, my friends, my hobbies, my whole life to move across the country for my husband and this job of his. I am proud of his work and respect his career very much and I was happy and excited to make the big move. But I have realized I'm not happy living out here and miss my family so much. My husband is the only family I have out here. I have made new friends out here, but they are new friends and so I am not extremely close with them yet as I am with my friends back home. I feel like I have no one to go to or confide in and I am living with a stranger. I have given up so much for him and I am miserable. I am mad at myself for going along with him, but I trusted him. He's the only one I want to be with, yet he hurts me SO much!! I just don't know what to do. I HATE the lies; they break my heart. He says he won't lie anymore, but how do you believe a liar? A separation would be nice but, again, being all the way across the country from everyone I am closest with, makes it hard. I don't have my own car or money so without family or very close friends near by, I feel leaving and starting over would be next to impossible. I feel pretty stinking trapped. I feel like an idiot for supporting him only to have him betray me. I would like to have a happy and healthy and successful marriage, but if the next lie comes I can't imagine how much worse I'd feel then. I want to be with him, just don't want to keep getting hurt. Any advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to first decide what is a deal breaker for you. 

You found one lie and he had no issues with hiding it and even doctoring email to hide it from you. He's an accomplished liar who will do what he wants as long as he thinks he can keep you in the dark. Not a good sign.

If you can asked here before telling him I would have advised you to say nothing right now and to keep an eye out for a while and see what else he's lying about. But now that you have told him, he will me more careful.

I suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" read them and work through them. Your husband should do this with you. The books should help you figure out how to get through to him that his lying is a huge love buster and he's going to lose you if he does not stop this nonsense.

A separation is not a good idea. People seldom get back together after a separation. Either leave and end the marriage or stay and work on it.

It sounds like you need a job. How hard have you been looking for one?

If you leave him, could you return home and stay with a family member for friend until you get a job?

If you divorce him, you could get interim support, court ordered until the divorce is final. So you would not be left with nothing and would be able to live until you find a job. Just make sure that you have copies of all financial records and personal papers, to include all of his income papers.


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## Allltuvx (Jul 16, 2013)

I would first of all be building your situation. Start saving your own money, open your own account, get a car (inexpensive) or always know you would rent one if you had to and go home.

Knowing you have a 'get out' plan would give you a better perspective and not feel you have no where else to go - that you have to stay. 

I also would have somehow copied, photographed or gotten proof of the info of this gig.

And keep checking his email and other things (there are tips on here how to do that). Is that sneaky? No. You are just making sure nothing else is going on. He already lied about a request you made for him not to do these gigs with half nekkid women (and the leering comments from his boss about the situation). So what how much it paid or how it helped his work - it damaged your trust in him which is far more valuable.

Maybe if he had discussed this gig with you first it would not have been such an unpleasant surprise - but he knows you don't like him to do these types of things. 

I would lay a foundation for yourself, even network with your family, friend, people in your prior line of work.

Then you would feel stronger to do some couples therapy, read some of the books mentioned here, do the '180'.

Do something so that you are not surprised and unprepared should something like this happen again.


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Thank you for the rational, sound advice. I appreciate it. It helps to read voices of reason (since I can't trust his) and seeing what you've written has helped to A) validate my feelings that I'm not making a big deal out of nothing, these are real feelings, and B) make me see that, yes, I do need to create my own life line and safety net if I end up needing to get out. I plan to check out the reading you have mentioned here - thank you for the titles, that is a very helpful place to start.

It's the middle of the night and just woke up with this awful feeling. Last night when I talked to him, I discovered there were 2 additional occasions on which he was working with these women, this time not for a full 15 hour gig but 2 occasions of about 3 hours each for follow-up work, one being last week and the other being yesterday...which means he was actually with them yesterday as I was finding out about the lie (and I confronted him mid day about it so he continued working with them after he found out that I knew). This feels like it adds insult to injury because he knew how upset I was at that point and was able to continue his work day, whereas I was so devastated over the possible demise of our marriage that I couldn't function. His initial explanation when I confronted him was that he thought it would be a one day, one time thing, and then be over with forever so he thought he could just do it and forget about it. But then of course there ended up being those 2 additional days that led from it. The thought of him being with them now on a total of 3 occasions while I was under the impression he was working in a completely diffrent atmosphere with diffrent people, really makes me feel sick. And just the overall shock that HE, my best friend and person I'm closest with, could just so easily lie to me like this, is the really sick part. I'm now skeptical of this upcoming business trip he has to go on. It's himself and one young female traveling for the gig. I know he wouldn't cheat physically, but again I don't trust that there wouldn't end up being another sketchy aspect of his work somehow thrown into the mix. He says he thinks it's just going to be himself and this chick he's going with, and then they'll be working with a bunch of men when they're there (the men are professional athletes, though, and it's hard not to think of the stereotypes and lifestyles they have). My husband tends to find out very little information about jobs beforehand and I now see that this is his way of protecting himself because if there does end up being sketchy things going on, he just says "I had no idea that was going to happen" or something like that. As if I can't be upset about what's going on because he didn't know it was going to be like that..when in actuality, even if he had known, it probably wouldn't have changed his decision to go. There are these little tactics and excuses that I can now look back and see he has used to get away with a lot of crap over the years. Although this has been the first lie, there were many challenges and times I was upset when he was honest about what was going on, that he's always gotten away with on the basis that he "didn't know" something was going to happen and therefore can't be held responsible for what happened that upset me.

I plan to look for those books you've mentioned in the morning. I also need to brainstorm and figure out getting a car and job (it's been a little tricky looking for work as I do have a job I work from home but it pays peanuts in comparison to my husband's salary and wouldn't be enough to live off of, yet it takes up enough of my time that sometimes I feel too busy to look for a real job out here. Now that this lie has happened, I feel a more urgent need to figure out a plan to get my own career going). Since I do want to be with him, just be without the hurt, I think I should stay on this coast rather than go all the way back home. I think the outrageous summer flight fares also helped me make that decision (haha). So...back to bed for now, and finding those books to start on working through this in the morning. Thank you very much for your time in reading my situation and for the good advice you've offered...it's much appreciated. I feel a little better now that it's not just me being upset and my husband downplaying it..and it also makes it more real that his lies are in fact something serious to work through. Sigh. I definitely thought we were past this, but I am trying to remain hopeful that with a lot of exhausting, hard work, we might be able to have a good marriage after all.


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

I have never felt so foolish and trapped in my life. How did I get here? After my husband'a disgusting "work" activity was discovered by me and his lies found out, he apologized (actually, he didn't apologize at first...just gave excuses and reasoning for his actions and lies....then finally ended up apologizing), he told me to give him the next month so he could prove to me why I should still be with him. Well, it's only been a few days and this is what has happened since then:

My husband's pig boss sent him an email that came to our home (my husband had been working as a contractor and thus using his personal email address so it came right to our home computer) and the content of the email was no words at all, just 2 photos of girls in their underwear (photos from the disgusting event my husband worked at). So, while the photos were taken at a work event of girls who were there for the purpose of looking exposed, the photos being emailed to my husband had absolutely no professional relevance at all, as the job was completed and over with at this time. Additionally, the subject line of the email was "hard at work," clearly sarcastic and pig-mentality that it was so hard to work a job with hot chicks in their underwear. I was so offended by these images. Worst of all, my husband officially becomes a staffed employee for this pig man starting tomorrow. I am so uncomfortable with the thought of him going to work for such a disgusting man. The other people who work there are pigs as well, just high fiving each other and sending around pictures as trophies to be proud of. I'm disgusted. I have never before felt uncomfortable with my husband going to work. Now knowing why I do, it's impossible for me not to. He is looking for other opportunities elsewhere, but for now he is working with these awful people and I'm having anxiety up the wazoo. Tomorrow during his staff orientation he will be with one of these half naked dancer girls (she'll be wearing clothes, as she's a "retired" performer), and I am annoyed about that because he had told me last year that he thought she was attractive (I had no idea she was a former underwear dancer). And next weekend he leaves on a flight with some other chick to go across the country with her. Normally not a big deal, but now that I know he's a liar I just can't trust him so this business trip is creating a lot of stress for me. 

Anyway, today was the real kicker. We were at a barbecue event that we had planned weeks ago with our friends. At the event I told my friends, who work in HR, about the pig boss sending inappropriate photos to my husband (I left out the fact that my husband had lied to me about the whole event...out of respect for him, and not wanting to air our dirty laundry, I pretended I knew about the event he worked and was just looking to get my friends' opinion on the boss' behavior, since they work in HR). They agreed he was completely unprofessional and his behavior was definitely wrong. Since his work place is small and it would be too awkward for him to blow the whistle on his boss, and his boss' boss wouldn't even care because he's a pig too, our friends suggested he just look elsewhere for work and that way he can tell on his boss during his exit interview, once he has another job lined up. Anyway, my husband proceeded to get drunk at this barbecue. He is not a big drinker and doesn't drink that often, but he does have the tendency to sometimes go overboard on certain occasions. About a year and a half ago there were several instances when he drank way too much and put me in very uncomfortable and embarrassing situations with family and friends. I told him how upset it made me and he's been good about it for the past year. Today I could tell he was going overboard. He had been drinking a lot and he began getting louder, using foul language, slurring words...and while he and our friends were laughing and having fun, I was sober and could tell that we were starting to laugh AT him and not with him...he was doing stupid things like making a mess and blowing ash from the bonfire all over the chairs we were on, etc. I was starting to feel embarrassed because nobody else's spouse was out of control and I felt like mine was starting to get there. Not wanting to embarrass him, I sent him a text message asking him to please stop drinking - we had an errand to run after, and I thought we were going to read more in the books that were recommended to us that I had ordered, so as to work on us. He proceeded to drink anyway. He doesn't respect me. It's not like I was asking him to drink nothing, but it got to be excessive and I politely and privately asked him to stop. He had way more than anyone else to drink. His excuse was that it kept being offered to him. Guess he doesn't know the word "no."

Then tonight, it became time to leave. We had been there all day long and people had other things to get home and do. He is such an excessive/extreme person, he wanted to stay longer even though literally everyone else was leaving. As if he were a child, I had to explain to him that we had been there for SEVEN hours and it was time to go home, as I still had my errand to run. I asked him if be had sobered up and was okay to drive and he said yes. Then, once we were actually moving, he changed his story and said he WAS drunk!! Why the hell would he drive drunk having his wife in the car when I was perfectly sober and could have driven us home?! I couldn't tell if he was lying or not, because then he said again that he was NOT drunk. I was so confused with the mind games and he was talking crazy, saying our friends weren't really our friends (even though we get along great with them...and would be even better if he didn't act so immature and embarrassing around them!) and when I tried to tell him that it felt good to have friends in HR validate that his boss is a creep he kept screaming and laughing about how he was going to quit his job. He was being extreme saying he was just going to quit. He was not talking level headed at all, he just kept yelling out the window of his car and then laughing like a maniac. I was so scared! I began crying and couldn't stop. What was happening?! He had never done anything like this before in terms of reckless driving. It was a first and it was so scary for me. Minutes later, I got behind the wheel and then left him at home and took the car out just myself. I am now out and writing this from the car because I just needed to get away from him. I have nowhere to go so I will have to go back home tonight.

For someone who was supposedly going to "put our marriage on a pedestal" and take this next month to prove to me why I should stay, it has only taken a few days for him to prove to me why I should leave and never look back. This is KILLING me. I never wanted divorce to be an option. But this life is hell. I ordered those books but I'm feeling pretty hopeless that they will actually help. It doesn't seem like he actually cares. Hell, I'm in an abandoned parking lot writing this and crying and he doesn't even know or care where I am. This can't be what real love is like. My heart and spirit are shattered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Bad day. Alcohol is a big problem for him. If he has to work with half naked women and drinks, cheating is likely.


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