# But I still love my spouce?



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

we here this frequently on here.

my husband/wife cheated,lied repeatly,hid huge debt,verbaly or physicaly abused me,etc,etc,etc. sometimes the marriage seems like pure hell and they will say BUT I still love them.


How can you still love someone who is like that?

my theroy is they delude themselves because of other factors. Maybe they don't want to break up their family because of children or they think they won"t find someone else, Or the financial ramifications or to hard to overcome.

my advice is to really take a hard look at any person who is like this and say WHY the hell do I still love this person. and realise that your really just affraid to see the real person that dosen't really love you. Respect yourself and do the right thing. Yes it will be hard but know that your doing the right thing in the long run.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> we here this frequently on here.
> 
> my husband/wife cheated,lied repeatly,hid huge debt,verbaly or physicaly abused me,etc,etc,etc. sometimes the marriage seems like pure hell and they will say BUT I still love them.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

easier said than done

often it's a form of co-dependency which isn't a very easy condition to break one's self from


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> easier said than done
> 
> often it's a form of co-dependency which isn't a very easy condition to break one's self from


:iagree:

also its the beginning of the end once you admitt to yourself that you don't really still love them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the way I look at is this

if you've never experienced depression (as an illness) before, then it's a foreign concept to deal with a person who is suffering from it. You think "why can't they just snap out of it, or do something fun, or have some oreos, etc etc?!"

the same goes for co-dependency issues, what is obvious to you that a poster is obviously in a bad relationship or spot where they need to make a stand or change, it isn't so obvious to them. Which is why the berating of such posters gets to me, I understand that it's frustrating to watch and you have all the best intentions at heart but ultimately such approaches aren't effective

I see posters like Enjoli and Tunera (and others) effectively be able to help such posters without resorting to shaming and other such tactics. Granted, It takes a lot longer and it doesn't always work but I feel others could learn from what they post to these folks, I know have.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sometimes it's hard to differentiate who your spouse really is from who they pretended to be, who you thought they were, who they used to be, who they might possibly have the potential to be again. I loved the man my ex-husband pretended to be for many years. That he wasn't that person in reality, _and never had been_, was a very hard thing to wrap my head and my heart around. It can be difficult, even ravaging, to be forced into an understanding that your entire adult life was basically a figment of your own imagination. Some people simply aren't ready to go there, and may never be. 

And of course, it's entirely possible to love (after a fashion) someone despite your own best interests. Abused children do it all the time. It's not sane, or healthy, but it's possible.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I think the reason why so many Stay in unhappy or dysfunctional marriages is because of social cultural norms that emphasized the family unit more then individual happiness within the relationship. Generally speaking most people who leave marriages that are not functional or simply chaotic are viewed social in a negative light for reasons I do not understand why with the only exception being physical abuse..


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> the way I look at is this
> 
> if you've never experienced depression (as an illness) before, then it's a foreign concept to deal with a person who is suffering from it. You think "why can't they just snap out of it, or do something fun, or have some oreos, etc etc?!"
> 
> ...


:iagree: this is very true!

maybe the combination of the harsh posters with the more thoughtfull posters is like a one two punch and actually helps.

I like to think that I have also learned how to be more thoughtfull in my posts. But maybe I'm just deluding myself. LOL


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think it's possible for someone to love their spouse and still cheat on them.

Love does not equal monogamy, morality, or ethical behaviour. As a noun it's an emotion. As a verb it's the act of feeling emotionally, romantically attracted/attached to someone.

It's not a behaviour, and it doesn't have to be moral in any sense.

In fact, it sometimes dis-incents morality.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think it can depend on a lot of factors and doesn't necessarily mean that you are co-dependent or "need" them in your life.

It is difficult when you spend so much of your life with a person and think you know them, but they turn out to be a monster that you don't know. Your heart wants that person to change, to be the person you had thought they were. It is not easy to accept that it isn't likely they will change. And, they say, the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that person you wanted turns out to be an A**hole!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

marduk said:


> I think it's possible for someone to love their spouse and still cheat on them.
> 
> Love does not equal monogamy, morality, or ethical behaviour. As a noun it's an emotion. As a verb it's the act of feeling emotionally, romantically attracted/attached to someone.
> 
> ...


that's a strange definition of love in my opinion.I think your explaining infatuation,and attraction. But when you love someone you commit to them. you commit to not hurt them and if you read most wedding vows it actually say all the things that you said love doesn't have to be.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

inquizitivemind said:


> I think it can depend on a lot of factors and doesn't necessarily mean that you are co-dependent or "need" them in your life.
> 
> It is difficult when you spend so much of your life with a person and think you know them, but they turn out to be a monster that you don't know. Your heart wants that person to change, to be the person you had thought they were. It is not easy to accept that it isn't likely they will change. And, they say, the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that person you wanted turns out to be an A**hole!


:iagree:


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

marduk said:


> I think it's possible for someone to love their spouse and still cheat on them.
> 
> Love does not equal monogamy, morality, or ethical behaviour. As a noun it's an emotion. As a verb it's the act of feeling emotionally, romantically attracted/attached to someone.
> 
> ...


They may love them but they have zero consideration of what their cheating will do to their marriage and her, if its a he cheating, sex life with them. Don't mind betraying them either. Probably many harsh words for the wife to go along with the cheating. Women don't have the big O with men like that. If you do consider yourself lucky.

If its a woman cheating I don't see how the man would trust her again. 

A lot to give up from someone that you are suppose to love.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd suspect that they love who they thought their spouse was and rationalize that this person they loved is still there if only they can break the fog. They can't accept that the person they're seeing is the person that's always been there, at least in some form. And people have a hard time cutting losses when they're deeply invested, imagining they can change things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

When I read stories about people that put up with all sorts of toxic, abusive treatment and then say "but I still love him/her", I think what they are really saying is *I don't love myself*.
Maybe they don't think they deserve better. 

I cannot comprehend staying with an abusive partner, would never stay with someone that cheated. Either treat me with respect or nick off.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Even when someone cheats you still love them. That is understandable. However something will be said or done somewhere down the road that breaks that connection you feel with them. That is when you will want to leave or have an affair yourself.

Cheaters think they can keep cheating and they will be forgiven and trusted again. They think things will return to being the same before the affairs. It won't, its never the same afterwards, you have been stabbed in the back by someone you trusted. That will never go away no matter how much you love them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Basically a lot of people, especially women, programmed to stay in an abusive situation. We are chemical engines. Our bodies make chemicals such a oxytocin that help us bond, help women forget about the pain of child birth... but this same chemical as create a trap. 

Women are particularly susceptible to bonding with those who traumatize them due to a hormone known as oxytocin. Oxytocin is referred to as the bonding hormone and is the chemical that starts the birthing process. It is the reason why a woman has a second child, as it prevents memory consolidation. If women were to fully remember the pain of childbirth, it is unlikely they would repeat the experience, hence it is nature’s way of ensuring the continuation of our species. Oxytocin peaks for about 20 minutes after birth and is critical in the process of bonding to the newborn child. While oxytocin is essential for childbirth, it is a liability for any abuse victim. When a woman experiences extreme violence, oxytocin is released, and she is destined to bond with her abuser at some level. There is no consolidated memory of the abuse and it becomes difficult to think and act rationally about the event. Hence a woman’s response to danger switches from fight or flight to ‘tend and befriend’ (Gurung and Updegraff, 2000).


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

...and some people like me, have lived longer with their spouse than they have ever lived in any other fashion. Sadly, I just dont remember any other way of life.

~sammy


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl is correct the emotion of love is intimately connected to a chemical bath in your brain. This is a feeling/emotion not logic/reason. (See my link below). These conditions can persist even when chemical links with others are being formed. The oxytocin that EleGirl refers to is longer term and effects different neural connections than the dopamine high from infatuation and the thril of a new relationship. 

It is possible to love more than one person otherwise we couldn't love our family's. Once this is seen and the chemical nature of the fog is understood than your questions are answered. We are not logically consistent beings. We are emotionally driven but controlled with effort by logic. Often logic and reasoning prevails but sometimes it doesn't.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

As a person who is in an abusive relationship, I don't think there is a simple explanation as to why someone like myself would remain.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i think its like PTSD. 

as much as people say that your buddies might die in combat, you never really think about it until it happens. if we would have thought about it, we would know how much it would hurt. we would be ready for it. 

but nobody thinks of that. we think the training prepares us, and we believe in the strength of our leadership. we dont think about what it would really be like to watch a close friend die, and know that he is gone forever. 

i think its the same for BSs. its not something we ever thought would have happened, and when it does, its like our entire world crumbles. things are not the way we thought they were, and its not easy to accept it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> we here this frequently on here.
> 
> my husband/wife cheated,lied repeatly,hid huge debt,verbaly or physicaly abused me,etc,etc,etc. sometimes the marriage seems like pure hell and they will say BUT I still love them.
> 
> ...


It's not love. It's fear.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> It's not love. It's fear.


:iagree:


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

inquizitivemind said:


> I think it can depend on a lot of factors and doesn't necessarily mean that you are co-dependent or "need" them in your life.
> 
> It is difficult when you spend so much of your life with a person and think you know them, but they turn out to be a monster that you don't know. Your heart wants that person to change, to be the person you had thought they were. It is not easy to accept that it isn't likely they will change. And, they say, the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes that person you wanted turns out to be an A**hole!




Yes, I think that is sometimes what happens. It can be very saddening and intimidating to cross that threshold of acceptance -- acceptance that the other is not going to be anyone different than they have been, and that that has not been good for us. It can be so saddening and intimidating that we struggle to detach, andwe delay setting off on a course that leaves the other behind.



I was thinking of the movie Where the Wild Things are, the other day. I was remembering how, when I saw it in the theatre a (few?) years ago I thought there was so much in it that was beautiful and well done, yet I wanted to like it more than I did. I felt like it had an important meaning to convey, but I just couldn't see it.



-- spoiler alert --




I figured it out. Like in real life, I wanted to see change. I wanted a happy ending where the dysfunction was fixed, hearts melted, and the world and relationships the boy wanted came to be. I wanted resolution of conflicts and realization of his hopes.

But it didn't happen. I had an almost sickening feeling leaving the theater.



Part of growing up is to accept that others are going to be who they are despite our wants and dreams. It is scary as hell and exhausting as we stick around and watch them not change. There comes a point where if life is going to be lived, then we must make our paths diverge.



As departure time approaches, there is much fear about what will happen in those early moments, and anxiety about the the days and months and years beyond. There is much loss felt, but it is really from leaving hopes and dreams behind. That may feel like love, and perhaps in some sense it is. But the love we seek and would nourish us isn't here or back there, it lies ahead.


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