# Can sexual feelings come back and can the past be dropped?



## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

I know I can't have someone give me the answer to what I should do, but I need to talk about my issue. I'm really having a hard time if I should give my husband another chance or just continue to move on. We have been together for 17 years, kids,our sex life has always been amazing. I have over years felt that he exceeds me sexually and have had minor performance pressure issues but have worked through them. I am a sexual person. He's always smoked weed and even though I only did on a rare occasion, I never really cared, only when it started getting to be 24/7 in last 3-4 years. He doesn't do any other drug and I never thought it was a really bad drug and still don't but in last few years, apparently the drugs lead him into an excessive porn and sex addiction, so much as crashing the computer quite a few times, finding sites and purchasing DVD's showing interest in men that he tried to hide, to cross dressing in my panties and posting online. We've been separated for over 9 months, he has stopped all and doesn't know why that happened, blaming it on drug addiction, but sexually I can't seem to overcome it. I love him as the great father and man he is, but I'm not into him sexally anymore or I am, or think I can deal with it then I remember and back out. Is this something that can be corrected or is this feeling gone? I had perfect everything until this happened, now I just don't see the point continuing if there's no sex or passion which I need.
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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, you can get it back. It takes work and effort on both your parts. You have to replace that negative tape in your head that casts him in a light or scene you can't respond to. You have to focus on imagining him as the man who loves you and wants you, not the other guy.

Does he know you have lost your attraction to him as a result? Is he willing to put some effort into presenting himself as the kind of sexual male that attracts you?

A few years ago my husband did something for me, part of a fantasy ( men in uniform thing) that just wowed me! It helped tremendously and he didn't even know I had totally lost all attraction to him. I was just a horny hormonal middle aged woman. But once he did that... It came back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes this can be fixed. Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". Then work through the book with your wife.


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

Thanks I think I just keep asking the same question, why? If I'm so sexy to him and we have sex 1-3 times a week after 17 years, how can he need more and how can I feel adequate enough when he's looking at men. I had feelings before that he could have homosexual feelings, but he said no. He turned very emotional and lacked testosterone which I read is normal with excessive porn addiction. Is this something he really wants, being under the influence brings out an inner self. I also have feelings like, when he says my panties are sexy and wants to see them, is he wanting to wear them? I'm just having a hard time. I haven't dated anyone and I'm considering it to see if maybe the feelings are just gone but then I feel guilty that I'm letting the marriage go but I just feel like I was disrespected. I'm very easy going, I wasn't mad about porn but apparently I was too easy going and it got out of hand.
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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

Yes and he does know I've lost attraction. He is trying to make it better but I don't really even want to be touched by him most of the time, other than its been a long time and I long for it. I fantasize about other men and having passionate spontaneous sex but afraid after all that, I won't have the other good part that exist in our relationship now.
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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

And spontaneous sex that has nothing to do with trying to set a porn scene in the bedroom with a closet of sex toys, swings, porn, just sex enjoyed by two. I've played it, but after all that and full filling needs, can a guy just say he doesn't need all that too? He said he doesn't have same sex drive now not smoking weed.
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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm no expert but I can't imagine any heterosexual man who is interested in looking at other men...no matter how drunk or stoned. That would worry me. Combine it with wanting to wear women's underwear and I would have some serious concerns about his sexuality.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Pot doesn't make you look at porn. 
If he's bisexual (as my ex was -- actually she was closet lesbian), that's hard to compete with. 
You need what YOU need out of the relationship; it takes two to tango. 
The porn needs to be curtailed or shared, just like the sex life takes two. The pot smoking shouldn't be a factor as far as sex drive goes. I'm guessing you're in your early 40s, late 30s? There's plenty of lead in the pencil at that age. 
I've had times where I wasn't able to perform for my wife, and it was all related to emotional pain while at the time I thought oh my God, I'm in my 50s, that's it! No, that's not it. It's more mental than most think. 
God bless and good luck to you.


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

Thanks, I agree I talk to other people who smoke pot and say that's not the reason, so I have a hard time believing its because of it. I watched normal porn with him and I don't mind that, but I'm not interested in looking at it myself even though he tried to buy me a nude male magazine so I could. I never looked at it because I thought that was odd and I never felt the need to look at porn.
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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

Oh and yes I'm 37.
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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

We met when I was 20, so I don't have much to base it off of what other men are like. I know other men look at porn but to what extent? He's a bit older than me.
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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It sounds like you are focusing on the wrong thing, I think....

You are wondering about his sexuality. You are wondering how you fit into the frame; is it a gay frame, a bi frame, a straight with kinky edges frame? When you hold up one frame you fit, but the other frame makes you feel like you don't fit.

Is it possible, or even the right thing to do, to get rid of the frames entirely? Do you trust his honesty enough to believe what he says? If he says he loves you and wants you can you believe that?

These are very personal and difficult questions and the answers really need to come from an open heart and open mind. Whatever answer you come to, they are yours and you should stop thinking about "shoulds" and start thinking about wants.

What do you want from him? Do you want to feel loved above all and cherished? Can he do that? Can you accept him doing that? Is being good companions enough of a foundation to build a smoking hot sex life that meets your needs? 

There is another member here who's husband is a cross dresser. Having that kink doesn't make a man gay, or even Bi. It's just a kink. Maybe you should learn about the difference between cross dressing and homosexuality? Looking at gay porn doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, but it might.

I think dating other men during your separation might actually be helpful for you to decide. I also think you and your husband need to be brutally honest with each other and talk. You are so confused right now, I don't suggest you make any decisions.

I hope you find peace as you search for your answers.


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

Thank you, I am confused and it helps to talk and get different views. I'm a private person and don't talk to people about as I don't want to ruin relationships. I was seeing a counselor and she said it comes down to personal feelings and what I want. But I keep waiting for it to hit me and its not. He sees a counselor too about his drug and sex addiction and has learned more about why and childhood experiences. But now everything for past 17 years has been because I was married to a drug addict. Having a hard time using that as an excuse when its marijuana. I care about my husban and part of me wonders if its just a marriage after kids rut that we were in and I'm experiencing. I could easily come back if that was the case as I never thought I wouldn't be with him. Although when you toss in all of this other stuff I have a hard time. I feel that I lost respect for him and to go back wouldn't show respect for me. I was a good wife, faithful and provided for all his needs and our family. I did withdraw from sex a bit, not entirely, maybe 1/week just not wanting to perform as his porn star or experiment. I probably also lacked intimacy the last couple years as I was experiencing a major family kid life changing event. I told him how I felt but he doesn't remember our conversation re. I am his strength and when I needed him to be strong when I couldn't, he fell off the deep-end. There were other things that happened to due to lack of testosterone from masturbating, read its a symptom, and there are everyday things he says or does that annoy me now or make me question, who are you? I find myself attracted to men with strength because of this. I just order the his needs, her needs book, well audio CD, so I'll listen to and see if it helps me to better understand.
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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sunny Days said:


> We met when I was 20, so I don't have much to base it off of what other men are like. I know other men look at porn but to what extent? He's a bit older than me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm older than my wife. We used to watch porn now and then, but since our Dday we haven't, and won't again. 

In my "single but married" years I used porn for the obvious, but if it's something that a guy can't put down, it seems there's an underlying problem. Not sure in your case what that might be. But if you're 37 and he's even 50 there should be no issues there. 

If he smokes a lot of tobacco that can cause a few problems in blood flow, but a doctor would need to analyze that issue.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes this can be fixed. Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". Then work through the book with your wife.


Awesome book!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Sunny Days said:


> Thank you, I am confused and it helps to talk and get different views. I'm a private person and don't talk to people about as I don't want to ruin relationships. I was seeing a counselor and she said it comes down to personal feelings and what I want. But I keep waiting for it to hit me and its not. He sees a counselor too about his drug and sex addiction and has learned more about why and childhood experiences. But now everything for past 17 years has been because I was married to a drug addict. Having a hard time using that as an excuse when its marijuana. I care about my husban and part of me wonders if its just a marriage after kids rut that we were in and I'm experiencing. I could easily come back if that was the case as I never thought I wouldn't be with him. Although when you toss in all of this other stuff I have a hard time. I feel that I lost respect for him and to go back wouldn't show respect for me. I was a good wife, faithful and provided for all his needs and our family. I did withdraw from sex a bit, not entirely, maybe 1/week just not wanting to perform as his porn star or experiment. I probably also lacked intimacy the last couple years as I was experiencing a major family kid life changing event. I told him how I felt but he doesn't remember our conversation re. I am his strength and when I needed him to be strong when I couldn't, he fell off the deep-end. There were other things that happened to due to lack of testosterone from masturbating, read its a symptom, and there are everyday things he says or does that annoy me now or make me question, who are you? I find myself attracted to men with strength because of this. I just order the his needs, her needs book, well audio CD, so I'll listen to and see if it helps me to better understand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you really love your H. Put in the work on your marriage and it can be all you expect.


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

wiigirl said:


> Awesome book!


I purchased the audio version to listen on my commute to work. I am on disk 3 already and its good, at times it seems a little 1950s but for most part I can relate to it on some level. The needs are on track, but on the other hand I fall into more of the male characteristics vs. what he describes as the woman. I'm pretty down to earth, not real sensitive or emotional. I'm not real touchy feely, like hugging everyone in the world, but I do show affection to my husband and in public. I don't like to always talk about how I feel or my problems. Pretty quiet, content, adventurous type of person, spontaneous and sexual. It does help me understand why I feel this way though and that many of my needs were not being met for years. I pushed it off because I'm pretty easy going and raising children, meeting their needs and my husbands without realizing that my needs were not being met by my husband.
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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I'm older than my wife. We used to watch porn now and then, but since our Dday we haven't, and won't again.
> 
> In my "single but married" years I used porn for the obvious, but if it's something that a guy can't put down, it seems there's an underlying problem. Not sure in your case what that might be. But if you're 37 and he's even 50 there should be no issues there.
> 
> If he smokes a lot of tobacco that can cause a few problems in blood flow, but a doctor would need to analyze that issue.


Thank you!
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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Sounds like you really love your H. Put in the work on your marriage and it can be all you expect.


Thank you! I do care about him that's what's hard. I want to be back where we were 5 years ago but it seems like I've seen a side of him now that I don't like or respect. Also with not being high all the time, what kind of person are you going to be and will I like you. I think a lot, did he ever really know me and who I truly am. He's trying to be the man he thinks I want him to be now, yet I want him to find himself and be who he is, and if its still the man I loved before than it may work. A person should always be true to themselves.
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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A genuine sex addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. 

As far as your husband what do you mean he's been looking at other men? Are you talking gay porn? Bi porn? Transexual porn? Specifying that will help. Some men are curious about a lot, but in real life wouldn't try much, if anything. And for some men it's a clear indication of a deeper, hidden sexuality. If he's looking at "tranny" or "she-male" porn, that material is actually aimed at, and largely consumed by, heterosexually identified men.

Men who cross dress in private are seldom homosexual, or bisexual. People confuse transvestites with drag queens. They aren't the same. 

Will you ever get those sexual feelings back for your man? I'm going to go against the grain and say probably not. Even if you come to understand your husband completely, the crux of your issue seems to be in what kind of man you find sexually attractive. Understanding your husband, and even forgiving his behavior, will not magically make you attracted to a man whose sexuality is murkier, and less clear, than a typical male. You are attracted to more traditional masculinity, and that attraction is raw, and innate. Your husband's panty wearing, emotionality, and porn watching has robbed you of the image of the type of man you find sexually alluring. 

In order to find your husband attractive again the work of broadening your own sexual tastes, what you find stimulating, is going to have to change. So the better question is, can YOU change? Do you even want to? Do you think you can realistically reach a point of being sexually turned on by a man who likes to slip into your panties, and might be bisexual, or attracted to "chicks with d***s", even at the porn-only level? Those are some real questions you need to answer honestly, because there is a very high likelihood that your husband will never truly change.


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

jaquen said:


> A genuine sex addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you.
> 
> As far as your husband what do you mean he's been looking at other men? Are you talking gay porn? Bi porn? Transexual porn? Specifying that will help. Some men are curious about a lot, but in real life wouldn't try much, if anything. And for some men it's a clear indication of a deeper, hidden sexuality. If he's looking at "tranny" or "she-male" porn, that material is actually aimed at, and largely consumed by, heterosexually identified men.
> 
> ...


Wow that just seems so right to how I feel. He was looking at men having sex with men, started off with woman strap on porn. Not sure what else, as he learned how to clear the history on computer. I found out that he took pictures of himself and posted online.
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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sunny Days said:


> Wow that just seems so right to how I feel. He was looking at men having sex with men, started off with woman strap on porn. Not sure what else, as he learned how to clear the history on computer. I found out that he took pictures of himself and posted online.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then on some level it really doesn't matter what your husband's true sexuality identity is. 

Regardless, you just aren't attracted to him in this way. Even if he cleans up his act, pretends to not be into that stuff, or even finds the root of the matter and genuinely gives it up, you can not unlearn, or unsee, what you have witnessed. The image of your man has radically shifted, and for some people the cat just can't be put back into the bag.

You are not alone. Your husband is not unique. Lots and lots of men are into all kinds of sexual kink and behavior that would turn their women off. Most just never find out, and remain safe in their ignorance. You don't have that "luxury". Now it's completely up to you.

The man you knew, or thought you knew, 5 years ago is gone. He isn't coming back no matter what your husband does, because none of us can truly go back. 

But can you go forward? Do you even want to? The only change you can affect is your own. Do you want to even try to change your own sexuality to fit into a frame that will include your husband, as he is now?


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

jaquen said:


> Then on some level it really doesn't matter what your husband's true sexuality identity is.
> 
> Regardless, you just aren't attracted to him in this way. Even if he cleans up his act, pretends to not be into that stuff, or even finds the root of the matter and genuinely gives it up, you can not unlearn, or unsee, what you have witnessed. The image of your man has radically shifted, and for some people the cat just can't be put back into the bag.
> 
> ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sunny Days said:


> I find myself looking at other men and thinking about that, which is bad. How weird is this?


I think it's understandably weird, or strange, for anybody who is ignorant to the complexities of sexuality, particularly male sexuality. Which a lot of people are. We are trained to think of male sexuality as pretty static, and typical, but those assumptions don't really live up to reality.


For instance you mention your husband wanting a threesome first with another woman, than another man. The popular assumption is that most men fantasize exclusively about threesomes/moresomes with women. Yet among the most popular porn for men is a woman, or several women, being nailed by multiple men. This is not to say that porn is at all reflective of what most men would ever even think about doing in real life. Afterall "Granny" porn is actually quite popular in a lot of countries. But it does speak to a complexity, and fluidity, to male sexuality that many are simply unaware of.

Your husband, as odd as it might seem, isn't rare. I wouldn't say his unique sexual expressions are common, but they aren't rare.


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

jaquen said:


> I think it's understandably weird, or strange, for anybody who is ignorant to the complexities of sexuality, particularly male sexuality. Which a lot of people are. We are trained to think of male sexuality as pretty static, and typical, but those assumptions don't really live up to reality.
> 
> 
> For instance you mention your husband wanting a threesome first with another woman, than another man. The popular assumption is that most men fantasize exclusively about threesomes/moresomes with women. Yet among the most popular porn for men is a woman, or several women, being nailed by multiple men. This is not to say that porn is at all reflective of what most men would ever even think about doing in real life. Afterall "Granny" porn is actually quite popular in a lot of countries. But it does speak to a complexity, and fluidity, to male sexuality that many are simply unaware of.
> ...


Thank you, your insight is very helpful. I do feel that I am more accepting, understanding and have provided at a sexual level that I am comfortable with, which I believe to be more than most as I talk among friends or read other posts. In no way do I think it was my fault that I starved the sexual need, but I do believe that I allowed it to go too far. The more and more I gave in, the more he wanted or needed. This newly found sexuality is just something that I'm choosing not to be part of and kind of hit me hard. I got to a point where I wasn't interested anymore and I've felt pressured for many years to keep up, thinking I need to be the good wife and I guess I feel at ease not having to. The thought of going back makes me think that I will never been able to fully satisfy that need and that doesn't make me feel good. I know men have different sexual fantasies as woman do too.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sunny Days said:


> Thank you, your insight is very helpful. I do feel that I am more accepting, understanding and have provided at a sexual level that I am comfortable with, which I believe to be more than most as I talk among friends or read other posts. In no way do I think it was my fault that I starved the sexual need, but I do believe that I allowed it to go too far. The more and more I gave in, the more he wanted or needed. This newly found sexuality is just something that I'm choosing not to be part of and kind of hit me hard. I got to a point where I wasn't interested anymore and I've felt pressured for many years to keep up, thinking I need to be the good wife and I guess I feel at ease not having to. The thought of going back makes me think that I will never been able to fully satisfy that need and that doesn't make me feel good. I know men have different sexual fantasies as woman do too.


I think you are very wise, and honest. I really do. You can't force something to feel right, or attractive, to you no matter how much you want to keep your marriage intact or be a good wife.

Your husband revealed parts of his sexuality that you went into the marriage unaware of. You are repulsed by those elements, on a sexual/attraction level. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's a shame that he wasn't upfront about his needs, assuming he knew what they were back when you wed.

It just seems like you're trying to come to terms with the fact that you aren't turned on by him, and deep down accepting that you probably never will be. Is that an accurate assessment?


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

jaquen said:


> I think you are very wise, and honest. I really do. You can't force something to feel right, or attractive, to you no matter how much you want to keep your marriage intact or be a good wife.
> 
> Your husband revealed parts of his sexuality that you went into the marriage unaware of. You are repulsed by those elements, on a sexual/attraction level. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's a shame that he wasn't upfront about his needs, assuming he knew what they were back when you wed.
> 
> It just seems like you're trying to come to terms with the fact that you aren't turned on by him, and deep down accepting that you probably never will be. Is that an accurate assessment?


Yes that's an accurate assessment. I've been waiting for a feeling of "I want you, stay for awhile" and just recently we tried dating a little, but I stopped. We've always had a great friendship and I thought for the family, that maybe I should try. I just don't want to lose that friendship and he truly does love me. It's just not the same anymore and I don't know if it will come back. If it wasn't for knowing that an intense sexual need must be met or will always be an underlining, I wouldn't have an issue, but it's there. I care for him, and his friendship, but I don't have the sexual pull towards him. He's trying too which makes it harder, but in an odd way cause he doesn't know how to be himself. 

I just want him to be who he is, or to find the person he lost somewhere with all of this. I was honest and told him that if this is truly him, I support him for who he is and won't be mad, but I will not be married to him.

I'm not sure if he had these sexual desires before marriage or even if he knew he had them, or maybe the drugs brought it out. I'm not sure. What the future holds I don't know. I'm trying to process this information as well as some past family issues that were simultaneously happening that required an emotional need on his part, so I'm taking advice from another post to not make any decisions right now and stop thinking about the "shoulds" and I'll add in the "what ifs".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunny Days said:


> I purchased the audio version to listen on my commute to work. I am on disk 3 already and its good, at times it seems a little 1950s but for most part I can relate to it on some level.


A lot about human nature is timeless. 


Sunny Days said:


> The needs are on track, but on the other hand I fall into more of the male characteristics vs. what he describes as the woman. I'm pretty down to earth, not real sensitive or emotional. I'm not real touchy feely, like hugging everyone in the world, but I do show affection to my husband and in public. I don't like to always talk about how I feel or my problems. Pretty quiet, content, adventurous type of person, spontaneous and sexual. It does help me understand why I feel this way though and that many of my needs were not being met for years. I pushed it off because I'm pretty easy going and raising children, meeting their needs and my husbands without realizing that my needs were not being met by my husband.


Remember that the needs lists for men and women are just suggestions. Everyone is different. Whatever your needs are, that’s what they are. The point of the book is to start with their suggestions and then identify YOUR needs even if they are not listed in the book. Then figure out what you need from your husband for him to meet your needs. And then he needs to do the same thing for his needs.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

But isn't the issue with "His Needs/Her Needs" that, well, her attraction didn't diminish solely because her needs went unmet.

Her attraction seems to have ended largely because her husband was revealed to be a pot addicted cross dresser who's into gay porn and wants to add men to their bedroom.

Her husband can read the book, meet all her needs, which he's trying to do now, and it's still highly unlikely she'll burn sexually for him ever again. Already she's talking heavily about him as a "friend", which is a huge red flag that the thrill is absolutely gone.


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## Sunny Days (Jan 26, 2013)

jaquen said:


> But isn't the issue with "His Needs/Her Needs" that, well, her attraction didn't diminish solely because her needs went unmet.
> 
> Her attraction seems to have ended largely because her husband was revealed to be a pot addicted cross dresser who's into gay porn and wants to add men to their bedroom.
> 
> Her husband can read the book, meet all her needs, which he's trying to do now, and it's still highly unlikely she'll burn sexually for him ever again. Already she's talking heavily about him as a "friend", which is a huge red flag that the thrill is absolutely gone.


Right, it doesn't change sexual attraction. Though it may have started with realizing that my needs were not being met and it doesn't help in his case that they weren't. A few years ago I woke up and started seeing the light that I was the main strength, support, provider, protecter of the family. A woman asked me at that time, your husband acts as if he's semi-retired, goes on trips, buys all the toys, does all the things he loves to do, what do you do? I didn't have an answer. I said, I go shopping. I hate to shop, I have no idea why I said that. Then it got me thinking, I work full-time, I provide over 1/2 of our finances, I'm raising little children and meeting all of their needs. Then it escalated into my frustrations of him watching porn while I was at work, to him refusing to help me with home improvement projects. He also stopped making any effort or plans for the two of us to go out together. He focused mainly on his own needs. The counseler did tell me that a drug addiction is one sided and makes a person centered on themselves. So all of this wears into the new sexuality that I uncovered. The "needs" part of this could be fixed, but the sexual attaction is not going to be fixed by now providing me with my needs. It really just helps me process the behind-the-scene story, as I think what the F happened.


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