# Wife Wants to Leave



## ColoradoGuy

New member here.

Recently my wife became emotionally distant choosing to avoid me and snapped when I brought it up saying she’s “just going through right a phase.” This came after a year where things seemed to be pretty awesome in our relationship.
Last week, she dropped the news that she can’t take the “Suburban mom housewife” thing anymore and wants out. She has been passionate about nature and has hinted that she just wants to go out and travel and live a life that makes her happy.
I honestly don’t know if this means abandoning our daughter too. It was the strangest, more depressing about-face which, like a said, followed a really good year. She gets influenced by literature like Wild (Reese Witherspoon movie) and endangered species causes.
Anyone have any advice? In bad times, she’s threatened things and cried Wolf but quickly come back and apologized. This seems different, she has very little emotion.


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## manowar

ColoradoGuy said:


> She has been passionate about nature and has hinted that she just wants to go out and *travel and live a life that makes her happy.*


 That's Code brother. that's called sub communication or womanese.

Yes, stop providing immediately. Tell her not to let the door hit her in the azz. And whatever you do do not take her back after she's had her fun.


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## frenchpaddy

I would be in agreement with manowar , best for both to let her go , she does not know what is best or what she wants , but for now she does not want you but i could see her coming back in years asking to get back and pick up where she left off ,


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## Diana7

You need to find out about her intentions with your child. Is she going to leave her also? You need the know.


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## In Absentia

Nobody's dropped the A word yet?


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## Kaliber

In Absentia said:


> Nobody's dropped the A word yet?


I'm trying to resist...


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## Andy1001

You haven’t really given much information here. How old is your daughter, is she in school or is she still a baby. Does your wife work or is she a sahm. 
How does she intend to finance her lifestyle. 
Buddy this shows all the hallmarks of an affair or at least the start of one. Check your phone bills for numbers she’s calling or messaging regularly.


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## manwithnoname

manowar said:


> Yes, stop providing immediately. Tell her not to let the door hit her in the azz. *And whatever you do do not take her back after she's had her fun.*


"If you love something, let it go, if it comes back........." We all know the saying. Applies to birds that fell out of the nest and you nurse them back to health.....not marriages. 

She wants to sow her wild oats and get plowed (probably in reverse order) And once she's got that out of her system, may want to come back to her family.

Make it perfectly clear that if she leaves, she's not welcome back.


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## Livvie

How does she plan to support herself?

Unless she's independently wealthy, people gotta work.

Or does she expect you to pay for her life of travel and leisure?

She sounds quite loony.


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## uphillbattle

In Absentia said:


> Nobody's dropped the A word yet?


Just a bit short on info for that yet. I thought about it after seeing the title but not much in what the has given would point to that yet.


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## uphillbattle

Has anything else changed recently? Her routine? Her attitude towards your daughter?


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## She'sStillGotIt

Hmmm....complete about-face, sudden desire to run off and 'commune with nature,' is avoiding you like the plague and isn't making her kid her top priority.

Now where is it I've heard this type of behavior always be ascribed? Oh yes, that's right. Since we're not saying the "a" word, I won't say anything.

I WILL say you're married to a lunatic, OP.


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## ColoradoGuy

Daughter is 5 years old, wife is stay-at-home. If she is having a physical affair, that would be logistically difficult with me working from home, daughter’s schedule etc. She doesn’t just take off for long hours outside of doing solo hikes once-in-a-while where she provides photos, etc and doesn’t get dolled up before hand or shower or anything.
She DOES have online friends she talks to through “nature” Twitter. I confronted her about this when she first dropped the bomb on me and she, of course denied, another man or “talking” to somebody.


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## uphillbattle

I am not everybody, but if my wife came to me with this I would see a lawyer and file immediately make sure you get a court order on custody and the ability or for either of you to move x amount of miles away without the other's permission. Make sure she doesn't think she will be doing this world wondering with your daughter. Then I would see where this goes from there.


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## Al_Bundy

whenever someone says they need space or to go find themselves........ that means space to go out and bang other people.


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## ColoradoGuy

Diana7 said:


> You need to find out about her intentions with your child. Is she going to leave her also? You need the know.


Honestly, I don’t really know. I stopped short of really pushing on that in the moment because, if that is her intention, I would rather her just do it so I have a case for full custody.


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## ColoradoGuy

Andy1001 said:


> You haven’t really given much information here. How old is your daughter, is she in school or is she still a baby. Does your wife work or is she a sahm.
> How does she intend to finance her lifestyle.
> Buddy this shows all the hallmarks of an affair or at least the start of one. Check your phone bills for numbers she’s calling or messaging regularly.


daughter is a kindergartener. Wife is stay at home. She is going for a volunteer position with an organization in the hopes of it becoming a paying position. But I think if they want to have her travel along the Rocky region, she would do it in a heartbeat and seems to think I will help finance it.


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## uphillbattle

ColoradoGuy said:


> Honestly, I don’t really know. I stopped short of really pushing on that in the moment because, if that is her intention, I would rather her just do it so I have a case for full custody.


Talk to a lawyer by the end of the day today. Don't give her the chance to get a footing somewhere else with your daughter before you file.


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## ColoradoGuy

manwithnoname said:


> "If you love something, let it go, if it comes back........." We all know the saying. Applies to birds that fell out of the nest and you nurse them back to health.....not marriages.
> 
> She wants to sow her wild oats and get plowed (probably in reverse order) And once she's got that out of her system, may want to come back to her family.
> 
> Make it perfectly clear that if she leaves, she's not welcome back.


I agree. I mean she’s already said she’s done so if she takes off she’s really not interested in rekindling a spark.


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## BigDaddyNY

ColoradoGuy said:


> daughter is a kindergartener. Wife is stay at home. She is going for a volunteer position with an organization in the hopes of it becoming a paying position. But I think if they want to have her travel along the Rocky region, she would do it in a heartbeat and seems to think I will help finance it.


Wow, great wife/mom material. She wants to travel and see the world while you pay for it and raise her daughter. Is she totally delusional and out of touch with reality?


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## LisaDiane

uphillbattle said:


> Talk to a lawyer by the end of the day today. Don't give her the chance to get a footing somewhere else with your daughter before you file.


^^ THIS!! ^^


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## Andy1001

ColoradoGuy said:


> daughter is a kindergartener. Wife is stay at home. She is going for a volunteer position with an organization in the hopes of it becoming a paying position. But I think if they want to have her travel along the Rocky region, she would do it in a heartbeat and seems to think I will help finance it.


First thing you do is make sure she can’t empty your savings account or accounts. Then see a lawyer and get something on paper preventing her from taking your daughter out of state. 
You can’t live in limbo and the longer this goes on the worse it’s going to be for you. Tell her tonight that you have no intention of subsidising her travels and if she insists on living the single life you will start divorce proceedings claiming she deserted you and your child. 
Only do this if you are prepared to carry through with your ultimatums.


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## ColoradoGuy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Wow, great wife/mom material. She wants to travel and see the world while you pay for it and raise her daughter. Is she totally delusional and out of touch with reality?


It would appear so. Taking solo trips while being in a committed marriage is one thing, saying you want to end the marriage and then wanting to take off is another.

From past experience, she’s said things in the past and then backed out immediately apologizing. This seems different obviously because of the length of time she’s been icy and her confidence. I’m still here working through it because:
1) need her support raising the kid
2) can’t really afford to move out without submarining all the finances
3) there’s still a chance she’s all talk and this is a twisted way of telling me I need to make changes


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## uphillbattle

ColoradoGuy said:


> It would appear so. Taking solo trips while being in a committed marriage is one thing, saying you want to end the marriage and then wanting to take off is another.
> 
> From past experience, she’s said things in the past and then backed out immediately apologizing. This seems different obviously because of the length of time she’s been icy and her confidence. I’m still here working through it because:
> 1) need her support raising the kid
> 2) can’t really afford to move out without submarining all the finances
> 3) there’s still a chance she’s all talk and this is a twisted way of telling me I need to make changes


I am not saying you need to blow everything up. Just because you file doesn't mean you can't work things work. You need to protect yourself and at the same time make sure she knows you take threats like this seriously and wont stand for them. 
She can leave, take your kid and file from where she moves to and things will be far worse for you than you can imagine. Take decisive action or you could live to regret it.


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## jparistotle

Let me ask what do you want? Are you prepared to be the sole parent for your daughter? If you no longer want to deal with someone who is no longer vested in this relationship, then say OK. However, when it comes to our daughter I need for you to give up all parental rights and you can be free as a bird. You can visit whenever you want but I will have sole custody. I will be their for our daughter if you chose you cannot.


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## Rob_1

ColoradoGuy said:


> It would appear so. Taking solo trips while being in a committed marriage is one thing, saying you want to end the marriage and then wanting to take off is another.
> 
> From past experience, she’s said things in the past and then backed out immediately apologizing. This seems different obviously because of the length of time she’s been icy and her confidence. I’m still here working through it because:
> 1) need her support raising the kid
> 2) can’t really afford to move out without submarining all the finances
> 3) there’s still a chance she’s all talk and this is a twisted way of telling me I need to make changes


Dude you're already piling up the excuses, so why are you here if you do not intent do anything? Nobody is telling you to blow her away just yet. What you need to understand is that you need to be ready if at the end that would be the case. GET READY in the meantime. I hate so much the stupidity of today's men. don't they know that women are always miles ahead of them when they are planning for or intent to leave a relationship? why is it that so many men don't want to get this through their head? is it fear, cowardice, no balls, ignorance, or just plain stupidity?


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## ColoradoGuy

jparistotle said:


> Let me ask what do you want? Are you prepared to be the sole parent for your daughter? If you no longer want to deal with someone who is no longer vested in this relationship, then say OK. However, when it comes to our daughter I need for you to give up all parental rights and you can be free as a bird. You can visit whenever you want but I will have sole custody. I will be their for our daughter if you chose you cannot.


I still love her but there will come a point-of-no-return. I am prepared to deal with being a single parent of it comes to that.
So does it make sense to let her run off and abandon us (if that’s what she intends to do ultimately) when it comes to a potential future custody battle? Or should I just force her hand now with a separation agreement that spells it out?


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## ColoradoGuy

Rob_1 said:


> Dude you're already piling up the excuses, so why are you here if you do not intent do anything? Nobody is telling you to blow her away just yet. What you need to understand is that you need to be ready if at the end that would be the case. GET READY in the meantime. I hate so much the stupidity of today's men. don't they know that women are always miles ahead of them when they are planning for or intent to leave a relationship? why is it that so many men don't want to get this through their head? is it fear, cowardice, no balls, ignorance, or just plain stupidity?


it’s easy to say that when you’re not the one currently stuck in the situation. Again, things were objectively going great up until two months ago. For an entire year (two months post Covid until the 4th of July range) she was all over the relationship, engaged, and the intimacy was like we were dating again. Then one day it went to the other extreme. It wasn’t a slow burn. That’s why I’m having problems coming to terms with it.


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## uphillbattle

ColoradoGuy said:


> I still love her but there will come a point-of-no-return. I am prepared to deal with being a single parent of it comes to that.
> So does it make sense to let her run off and abandon us (if that’s what she intends to do ultimately) when it comes to a potential future custody battle? *Or should I just force her hand now with a separation agreement that spells it out?*


You need to force her hand now to avoid her forcing your hand at her leisure. There is far too much at stake to sit on your hands here. If she choses to run off and abandon your child that will be her choice. Cover your ass, work on the rest after.


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## uphillbattle

ColoradoGuy said:


> *it’s easy to say that when you’re not the one currently stuck in the situation.* Again, things were objectively going great up until two months ago. For an entire year (two months post Covid until the 4th of July range) she was all over the relationship, engaged, and the intimacy was like we were dating again. Then one day it went to the other extreme. It wasn’t a slow burn. That’s why I’m having problems coming to terms with it.


What I think you fail to realize is, your story is not new here. Many of the people giving you advise have been through it and have felt what you feel. We tell you these things not because we think they will make your problems go away but to help you navigate through your current problems as smoothly as possible. IT WILL SUCK no matter what you do. To what degree depends solely on you and the moves you make. Go to consult a lawyer today. DON'T WAIT.


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## ColoradoGuy

uphillbattle said:


> What I think you fail to realize is, your story is not new here. Many of the people giving you advise have been through it and have felt what you feel. We tell you these things not because we think they will make your problems go away but to help you navigate through your current problems as smoothly as possible. IT WILL SUCK no matter what you do. To what degree depends solely on you and the moves you make. Go to consult a lawyer today. DON'T WAIT.


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## ColoradoGuy

Noted. I’ll call a lawyer. I appreciate everyone’s insight/advice. I’m still in the “denial/ maybe I can workout more and pretend like I’m starting over to make her love me again” phase and I need to have contingency plans.


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## Rob_1

ColoradoGuy said:


> like I’m starting over to make her love me again” phase and I need to have contingency plans.


You cannot make anyone to love you if they don't want to. Love is not forced. It's either given or not. Living in "hopium" not only will not achieve anything, but quite the contrary. When you project that "I'm holding on waiting for you" the only thing that you achieve is for your partner to lose respect for you and to see you as a weak man. Consequently, they can't have attraction for you.
If you act strong, with confidence and communicate your wants and consequences of her actions with clarity, confidence, if she is not really inclined to continue romantically involved with you at least she will have respect for you when she sees that you are forcing her hands and that you are ready to proceed with ending the relationship without fears and without second thoughts. 
That's how you do it.
To my first wife I asked what is it that you want? A divorce? You got it. Two weeks later I was gone. No begging, waiting, wishing. Gone. To this day she regrets it, but to me, good riddance and for the best.

You need to get strong here. You need to be prepared, and ready to act swiftly if it turns for the worst. 
Dude: once prepared ask her you want out? If she says yes, then tell her: you got it, please be gone ASAP.


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## TomJohnson

There is so much you need to find out but, as others have said and are well advised from history your priorities should be: 

See immediately about preventing your wife from draining your account. She has lost her mind or she has another funding mechanism. 

If you want to screw your life over, trust you wife...that she will not do anything bad.... If you think your wife is different..read the divorce forum or other people will fill you in on stories where people turn into monsters. She declared war and all is fair in love and war. Don't be nice or be fooled. 

I know guys who's wife were litterally fu#$ing in their bed, she filed and still got the house and he spent years living on the couch. She has demonstrated all the warning signs of another man or losing her effing mind. Either way, checkmate. you will be done. Protect yourself. Seek legal advice asap. Figure out if there is another man later...for now, protect your assets. I have read many stories here where by following the advise here and by good atty, they were able to survive.. The courts already are stacked against men in most states. Try to be stealth on the atty side. The element of surprise is a keen one. 

God bless you my friend!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

ColoradoGuy said:


> Noted. I’ll call a lawyer. I appreciate everyone’s insight/advice. I’m still in the “denial/ maybe I can workout more and pretend like I’m starting over to make her love me again” phase and I need to have contingency plans.


Hang in there. Get those contingencies in place, plan your future best life without this stress.


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## Marc878

Go online and check her phone bill. At least rule that out. It’s a quick easy check.

Just because you love her doesn’t mean she feels the same. Her actions tell you everything you need to know.


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## DownByTheRiver

Well, first things first. You need to just ask her if she goes off to follow her dream, how is she going to share 50/50 custody of your daughter? Because she will not legally be allowed to either just abandon her or take her any distance from you, her father. So not sure where you live, but in the US, you can google your state and "custody" and "distance" and find what your state allows. You could then print that out for her. If she says something like, I was just going to leave her with you for awhile, then tell her the normal legal custody arrangement is 50/50 and that she can't do that without having legally abandoned her child. Maybe she's just wishing and dreaming, though. I mean, how does she have money enough to keep the household going and travel around? If she appears to be sincere about just taking off, get an attorney and find out all your options. 

It seems to me that all she should really need is you perhaps in combination with a babysitter to occasionally watch the daughter so that she can take off for a weekend and get out in nature or volunteer doing what she's talking about. I don't know if she works, but she should be once the child is in school. She may just have burnout if she's been staying at home these 5 years doing nothing but chasing a toddler. She may truly need a break. So may you, so you two talk it all out and find out the bottom line.


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## DownByTheRiver

ColoradoGuy said:


> daughter is a kindergartener. Wife is stay at home. She is going for a volunteer position with an organization in the hopes of it becoming a paying position. But I think if they want to have her travel along the Rocky region, she would do it in a heartbeat and seems to think I will help finance it.


It's fine and good she wants to volunteer, and after 5 years at home without a life she probably deserves to get to do something she wants to do, but you need to just tell her you're not financing it. She can take a real job and do volunteer on the side and finance it herself. You might remind her she'll also need to contribute to childcare expenses if she's planning on being gone a lot. I mean, volunteer orgs will work you for free but barely ever pay you and the only people they will pay are people with master's degrees in that field. If she's volunteering, she shouldn't need for anyone to pay for it if it's a legit org. Those are financed mostly by wealthy socialites. I used to volunteer at the zoo, and it was all wealthy socialites running that, because money is the bottom line, and they had it, so they ran that program. She may think they're going to send her someplace exotic, but in reality, they may tell her to fund-raise by sitting at home making phone calls or something. Getting money is the No. 1 need of those orgs.


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## jsmart

Please see a lawyer ASAP. In the interim, secure your finances. Any wife that’s willing to run off on her 5 year old, is not to be trusted. Her mind and heart’s loyalty lie elsewhere.

It is very likely that your wife is involved with someone, and it went sexual, when she cut you off. It is common for a wife to sexually cut off their husband because they want to be loyal to their new man. It is also common for sex with husband to ramp up prior to the affair becoming sexual because being naught and flirty during the EA stage is making her horny so she’ll have a lot of sex with her husband but her mind is elsewhere.

Do not for a second believe that she has no time. We have had threads of BHs whose SAHM wife gave her heart and is completely loyal to a man she has never met in person. This thread that I read recently, a wife was some guys submissive. They did an online ceremony and she wore a collar that she hung on her necklace that symbolizes her submission to this guy. The BH cracked her social media and found messages in which she was telling OM how she was thinking of him while having sex with her husband and would only do it in position that she didn’t have to see her husband and of course that she was wearing her collar.

The BH tried to work things out but the more that came out the more he realized that she was still loyal to this guy. This is some deep psychological stuff that goes into this stuff that is hard to comprehend but you having a wife that’s willing to leave behind a 5 year old is a strong signal that she’s into some heavy ****. Volunteering? Ha, that is complete BS.


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## ColoradoGuy

I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow that came recommended from an attorney friend. Thanks for the feedback everyone….I think I just needed a slap in the face today.


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## Evinrude58

ColoradoGuy said:


> daughter is a kindergartener. Wife is stay at home. She is going for a volunteer position with an organization in the hopes of it becoming a paying position. But I think if they want to have her travel along the Rocky region, she would do it in a heartbeat and *seems to think I will help finance it.*


Omg


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## Evinrude58

ColoradoGuy said:


> it’s easy to say that when you’re not the one currently stuck in the situation. Again, things were objectively going great up until two months ago. For an entire year (two months post Covid until the 4th of July range) she was all over the relationship, engaged, and the intimacy was like we were dating again. *Then one day it went to the other extreme.* It wasn’t a slow burn. That’s why I’m having problems coming to terms with it.


sudden? Yeah that’s an affair. If you don’t see an attorney, you’re foolish. He can at least listen to what you tell him and advise you on best bet for custody. If she takes off, she may want the kid so you can continue to finance her life with child support. It’s uncommon a woman as you describe, doesn’t try to use the kids for that. Get a real job and support herself?????? Oh hell no.....

So if you can let her bail on some “volunteer” mission to save the world, you would have a very strong case for full custody if you Can document that you’re the soul caregiver for most of the time.

why would you want to keep a woman that constantly threatens leaving you?

see an attorney. If you don’t, you’re a chump waiting to be chipped.


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## manowar

BigDaddyNY said:


> Is she totally delusional and out of touch with reality?


What if you decided to go away. Of course, you wouldn't because you are a man who has priorities and apparently your marriage vows actually mean something and are not just words.



ColoradoGuy said:


> For an entire year (two months post Covid until the 4th of July range) she was all over the relationship, engaged, and the intimacy was like we were dating again. Then one day it went to the other extreme. It wasn’t a slow burn. That’s why I’m having problems coming to terms with it.



She gets bored. Feeling it one day not the next. This is the modern woman amigo. Marriage vows are just words. You can't put her in the driver's seat because you have some sort of internal emotion you call love. She did it once she'll do it again. especially if you put up w/ this sh+t behavior. You cant be weak because this will teach her its ok. You'll put up with anything. Shut it Down!!! 

There are thousands if not tens of thousands of women within a 40 mile radius of your home. There is no shortage of them. They are available in abundance.


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## george duke

ColoradoGuy said:


> New member here.
> 
> Recently my wife became emotionally distant choosing to avoid me and snapped when I brought it up saying she’s “just going through right a phase.” This came after a year where things seemed to be pretty awesome in our relationship.
> Last week, she dropped the news that she can’t take the “Suburban mom housewife” thing anymore and wants out. She has been passionate about nature and has hinted that she just wants to go out and travel and live a life that makes her happy.
> I honestly don’t know if this means abandoning our daughter too. It was the strangest, more depressing about-face which, like a said, followed a really good year. She gets influenced by literature like Wild (Reese Witherspoon movie) and endangered species causes.
> Anyone have any advice? In bad times, she’s threatened things and cried Wolf but quickly come back and apologized. This seems different, she has very little emotion.


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## george duke

I'm dealing with the same things with my wife. She informed me that she will be moving out and will be filing for a divorce. she stated that she could afford to.


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## seadoug105

ColoradoGuy said:


> daughter is a kindergartener. Wife is stay at home. She is going for a volunteer position with an organization in the hopes of it becoming a paying position. But I think if they want to have her travel along the Rocky region, she would do it in a heartbeat and seems to think I will help finance it.


So does she volunteer from home?

If not, how many hours is she volunteering?

has it recently jumped or ramped up?

and since it’s volunteering, is there any accountability for her volunteer time? If not…. Then add in this leave to travel in nature, and the travel the rocky region…. How involved are you with this org and the people?


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## Rob_1

george duke said:


> I'm dealing with the same things with my wife. She informed me that she will be moving out and will be filing for a divorce. she stated that she could afford to.


George: If you feel the need, start a thread for your situation. In the meantime have you done anything to prepare yourself so that you don't get railroaded by your soon to be Ex? or are you just standing by there with a confuse look no knowing what to do paralyzed in fear? You better start getting your ducks in a row: separating income, consulting already with a lawyer as to were do you stand in the divorce in all aspects. from the moment you were told about the divorce you should of have started your plan of attack. have you?


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## ColoradoGuy

seadoug105 said:


> So does she volunteer from home?
> 
> If not, how many hours is she volunteering?
> 
> has it recently jumped or ramped up?
> 
> and since it’s volunteering, is there any accountability for her volunteer time? If not…. Then add in this leave to travel in nature, and the travel the rocky region…. How involved are you with this org and the people?


She’s not yet, this is all just aspirational. She just had an interview today with an organization.

she’s literally just sat and stewed for a long time and did nothing to pursue happiness (very easy to find purpose when you get a job) and then decided that the marriage was over without making personal changes.

The more I think about it, the more i think she met somebody online that “gets her” and “has similar passions” and wants to just take that leap of faith. I doubt she’s even met this person face-to-face. We’re in an era where marriages are being broken over people in cyber-space.


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## ColoradoGuy

seadoug105 said:


> So does she volunteer from home?
> 
> If not, how many hours is she volunteering?
> 
> has it recently jumped or ramped up?
> 
> and since it’s volunteering, is there any accountability for her volunteer time? If not…. Then add in this leave to travel in nature, and the travel the rocky region…. How involved are you with this org and the people?


She’s not yet, this is all just aspirational. She just had an interview today with an organization.

she’s literally just sat and stewed for a long time and did nothing to pursue happiness (very easy to find purpose when you get a job) and then decided that the marriage was over without making personal changes.

The more I think about it, the more i think she met somebody online that “gets her” and “has similar passions” and wants to just take that leap of faith. I doubt she’s even met this person face-to-face. We’re in an era where marriages are being broken over people in cyber-space.


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## Deejo

So, I'd like to know your read on the marriage prior to her disclosure that being married ... supported ... in a house ... with a child, is now holding her back from her true passion and dream, that she discovered over the course of the last 10 minutes?

Disclosure on my part. We live in odd times. My now ex-wife had a tremendous struggle dealing with the fallout of the last 18 months. She litterally dropped on me on a Saturday night in August of 2020, that she was moving out the following day. She too, couldn't cope with being married. And in her defense, she wasn't lying. She really DIDN'T know how to cope with being married.

So I'm just curious to get a sense of whether this is not a tremendous surprise to you based upon how you viewed the marriage as well, or if it was a bat to the side of the head.

Also keep in mind, lots of guys here have been exactly on the terrain you now find yourself. Input is going to be colored by experience. Some of it will be measured and reasonable. Some of it most definitely will not.

Let us know what content was discussed with the attorney. 

Without knowing more, it is entirely possible that your spouse is desperately in search of what I call a 'bliss bubble' which for all intents and purposes is a manufactured scenario that always looks a helluva lot better than reality. That may or may not involve a physical or emotional affair. Again, much like what you stated, my spouse at the time wasn't going anywhere, nor secreting herself away with a phone or laptop. 

Dropping a heavy dose of what the reality of her 'bliss bubble' actually entails may be enough to snap her out of it ... but, there will still be lots of work to do as a result.


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## ColoradoGuy

Deejo said:


> So, I'd like to know your read on the marriage prior to her disclosure that being married ... supported ... in a house ... with a child, is now holding her back from her true passion and dream, that she discovered over the course of the last 10 minutes?
> 
> Disclosure on my part. We live in odd times. My now ex-wife had a tremendous struggle dealing with the fallout of the last 18 months. She litterally dropped on me on a Saturday night in August of 2020, that she was moving out the following day. She too, couldn't cope with being married. And in her defense, she wasn't lying. She really DIDN'T know how to cope with being married.
> 
> So I'm just curious to get a sense of whether this is not a tremendous surprise to you based upon how you viewed the marriage as well, or if it was a bat to the side of the head.
> 
> Also keep in mind, lots of guys here have been exactly on the terrain you now find yourself. Input is going to be colored by experience. Some of it will be measured and reasonable. Some of it most definitely will not.
> 
> Let us know what content was discussed with the attorney.
> 
> Without knowing more, it is entirely possible that your spouse is desperately in search of what I call a 'bliss bubble' which for all intents and purposes is a manufactured scenario that always looks a helluva lot better than reality. That may or may not involve a physical or emotional affair. Again, much like what you stated, my spouse at the time wasn't going anywhere, nor secreting herself away with a phone or laptop.
> 
> Dropping a heavy dose of what the reality of her 'bliss bubble' actually entails may be enough to snap her out of it ... but, there will still be lots of work to do as a result.


She’s always displayed frustration with being a SAHM and I fully supported her to go find something that would provide an outlet. Instead she would just get over whatever the funk was at the time, do the mom, workout, binge watching tv shows things and was seemingly content with the creature comforts a suburban existence provided. Even now, she hasn’t really pursued her “passion” outside of emailing a ton of non-profits for volunteer work since our daughter went to school full-time this year. As I type that last sentence, a light bulb went on…..is it possible that she is in such fear of getting a “real job” since she’s out of excuses and desiring to take the easier route of just letting it all go? When she started going radio silent a couple months back, she’s hasn’t been going on a ton of hikes or volunteering or general nature things…..she just tweets, talks with people all day online and binge watches stuff while doing mom duty in morning and afternoon.


----------



## Livvie

Some people, when pampered enough in life, develop an extreme entitlement syndrome. It's who she is. She'll never be a mutual partner, putting in a like amount of energy and effort and contribution towards your life together. 

She's not a good life partner choice. In fact she's revealed she's a terrible choice. 

I'd get out now and start building your own life, with your daughter (co parenting). Don't waste more time.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

ColoradoGuy said:


> She’s always displayed frustration with being a SAHM and I fully supported her to go find something that would provide an outlet. Instead she would just get over whatever the funk was at the time, do the mom, workout, binge watching tv shows things and was seemingly content with the creature comforts a suburban existence provided. Even now, she hasn’t really pursued her “passion” outside of emailing a ton of non-profits for volunteer work since our daughter went to school full-time this year. As I type that last sentence, a light bulb went on…..is it possible that she is in such fear of getting a “real job” since she’s out of excuses and desiring to take the easier route of just letting it all go? When she started going radio silent a couple months back, she’s hasn’t been going on a ton of hikes or volunteering or general nature things…..she just tweets, talks with people all day online and binge watches stuff while doing mom duty in morning and afternoon.


Have you seen these online discussions she is having? I would be suspect of cheating. I don't see any other explanation for this desire to leave so quickly, seemingly without really thinking anything through. Could she be having mental health issues?


----------



## ColoradoGuy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you seen these online discussions she is having? I would be suspect of cheating. I don't see any other explanation for this desire to leave so quickly, seemingly without really thinking anything through. Could she be having mental health issues?


no she’s very secretive when it comes to making sure her phone is by her side but she’ll openly engage with me around and is not always trying to hide the screen. Most of it is innocent memes but there’s probably some other stuff.

she’s dealt with anxiety in the past and been off and on medication since college.


----------



## Deejo

ColoradoGuy said:


> no she’s very secretive when it comes to making sure her phone is by her side but she’ll openly engage with me around and is not always trying to hide the screen. Most of it is innocent memes but there’s probably some other stuff.
> 
> she’s dealt with anxiety in the past and been off and on medication since college.


Based on your response to my previous question, and relating to the arc I saw my ex-wife go through prior to 'popping' and trashing her marriage; I'd say it is highly likely she is struggling with anxiety and depression. That whole idea of wanting to do something but not actually doing a bloody thing, and instead blaming her marriage is ground I'm familiar with.


----------



## Deejo

Also going to throw in our cardinal rule around here, particularly when dealing with a partner that may be struggling with mental health issues.

"You cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself."

I know how trite that sounds. But it is 100% true. And nothing tests that axiom more, than when a relationship appears to be coming apart. You are here. She is not.

Editing to add: That bit about your lightbulb moment. I think you already have your answer. EVERYTHING you have highlighted smacks of avoidance. I don't know that an affair is part of the equation, and frankly I don't know how relevant it is ... aside from potentially assuring the choice you make regarding the marriage as a result.


----------



## ColoradoGuy

Livvie said:


> Some people, when pampered enough in life, develop an extreme entitlement syndrome. It's who she is. She'll never be a mutual partner, putting in a like amount of energy and effort and contribution towards your life together.
> 
> She's not a good life partner choice. In fact she's revealed she's a terrible choice.
> 
> I'd get out now and start building your own life, with your daughter (co parenting). Don't waste more time.


she’s the youngest of 3 and was the “baby” in the family. She’s very pretty. The entitlement/selfishness has always been an issue but she was always quick to apologize and push to make things work over the years. This time, due to the length of time she’s pulled away and what she said, it’s different and appears more definitive.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ColoradoGuy said:


> I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow that came recommended from an attorney friend. Thanks for the feedback everyone….I think I just needed a slap in the face today.


A lot of this about the child is within your control. She'd need consent from you. Give her some opportunity to get some of this out of her system, but don't let it wreck your and your child's life in the process. Good luck.


----------



## ColoradoGuy

Update: Felt like digging in today to the “other guy” possibility. She wordsmithed her way out of denying it. I asked if she’s be willing to let me see her text messages from people I don’t know and scroll through her camera roll and she refused saying it doesn’t matter and I’m looking at this the wrong way and blah blah blah. 
I said some things that felt good getting off my chest and she twisted the knife on some other stuff. I said she should probably go and she “went to her sisters” which turned into her parking down the street I think. When she came back our daughter had arrived and it looked like my wife had been crying. I’m not gonna lie….it felt good and I feel like I can breathe a bit better than I have in days. She said that she didn’t talk to her sister.
Anyway, I’m done with her. Getting charmed/ romanticized by some jackass online and probably sending risqué pictures is a stupid way to “fall out of love” with your husband and ruin a family. She’s going to get a significant wake-up call when she learns she has to work (or be married) to have health insurance and needs more than alimony/child support to pay all the bills.
Good riddance. I sent her a text when she came back saying that was our last fight and we’ll focus on wrapping this things up amicably.
She won’t be able to hire an attorney without financial help from her family. I’ve moved around the money and she only have a low-balance credit card in her name. I have the upper-hand.


----------



## Rob_1

Now be prepare for when she gets legal advice and tries coming after you. It's coming. Is not a matter of if, but when, but it's coming. Be alert, now you must, I repeat you must get a VAR from Best Buy or another electronic store and carry with you at all times. Every time she's in your presence you must activate it to record any interaction with her. You must be aware that at any time she might try to accuse you of Domestic Abuse. Many women pull this ****. Be ready.


----------



## Evinrude58

ColoradoGuy said:


> She’s not yet, this is all just aspirational. She just had an interview today with an organization.
> 
> she’s literally just sat and stewed for a long time and did nothing to pursue happiness (very easy to find purpose when you get a job) and then decided that the marriage was over without making personal changes.
> 
> The more I think about it, the more i think she met somebody online that “gets her” and “has similar passions” and wants to just take that leap of faith. I doubt she’s even met this person face-to-face. We’re in an era where marriages are being broken over people in cyber-space.


I think you’re spot on correct.


----------



## Evinrude58

She will get an attorney and you’ll be forced to foot the bill. But everything you’ve written in your last post is the right attitude to have. Just be prepared for the shafting you’ll get in court. But it will be worth it.


----------



## manowar

ColoradoGuy said:


> i think she met somebody online that “gets her”


same bs -- he gets me. Ok. I wonder if the online guy's wallet gets her too. 



ColoradoGuy said:


> Getting charmed/ romanticized by some jackass online and probably sending risqué pictures is a stupid way to “fall out of love” with your husband and ruin a family.



it all about the emotions...they override everything else.


----------



## SunCMars

ColoradoGuy said:


> it’s easy to say that when you’re not the one currently stuck in the situation. Again, things were objectively going great up until two months ago. For an entire year (two months post Covid until the 4th of July range) she was all over the relationship, engaged, and the intimacy was like we were dating again. Then one day it went to the other extreme. It wasn’t a slow burn. That’s why I’m having problems coming to terms with it.


She is suffering from stress, from lock down cabin fever.

Is she on anti-anxiety meds, and goes on and off of them?
Bingo...I see that you mentioned it earlier.

Or some...
*External effect?






_*It might be a slow moving transitory planetary effect, possibly from a malefic planet moving forward and then retrograde over some sensitive point in her horoscope. Maybe natal Uranus is involved?_


----------



## SunCMars

ColoradoGuy said:


> no she’s very secretive when it comes to making sure her phone is by her side but she’ll openly engage with me around and is not always trying to hide the screen. Most of it is innocent memes but there’s probably some other stuff.
> 
> _she’s dealt with anxiety_ in the past and been off and on medication since college.


What she is dealing with, we all deal with, these anxieties....its a part of life.

She has a bad habit, and she is addicted.

Her bad habit is that she is indecisive, maybe outright lazy.
And, she addicted to staying home and having less worries than the other working schleps do.

As mentioned in an earlier post, she needs to stay on her meds.

Stay on her medications and get back to work.

The work itself, will give her legitimate worries, not cooked up ones.
Work for most, is a diversion from family and other societal pressures.

ETA: I see you are done with her.
There are no winners in this. 

You will do fine, she will need to do a lot of growing up (if possible).

Being pretty, will likely get her carried across another goal line,


----------



## ColoradoGuy

Just more updates on current situation: I’ve decided I want this to be as amicable as possible. Me continuing to fight with her out of anger is not going to get me anywhere when it comes to the kid. I want my daughter to have parents who aren’t slinging mud long-term. My appointment with attorney got pushed to Thursday.

In the meantime, though we aren’t fighting and parenting as if nothing is going on, I have a constant sadness that I can’t shake. Seeing her all the time and knowing she wants nothing to do with me is tough to handle. There were a couple moments over the weekend where you could see a slight playful interlude and then she would suddenly retreat back to coldness. We used to have organic, natural conversation and now I’m trying to just generate small talk.
She has a group of people online that keep her attention and have no doubt provided and continue to provide influence on her. We had a good conversation about it on Saturday and she admitted she needs to work on it. But it’s not going to go away.
I was “done” with her last week but, if I’m being honest, my heart is fluid. I’m continuing to work on my own mind/body knowing we’re going to go our separate ways but would certainly reconcile if she woke up one morning and I said, “this is insane, I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know if it’ll make me happy. Let’s talk.” I don’t think it’ll get to that point as she’s still clearly making comments intended to signal to me that it’s over. 

I don’t really know what I’m asking the board, but I’m welcome to any thoughts/suggestions.


----------



## Evinrude58

When I was going through divorce, my best friend’s mom who is pretty much shared between us, told me she had mentioned my situation to her brother (he has been through it in the past and we were close also, so she knew I wouldn’t mind) and he said to tell me “once this stuff starts, it never gets better”.
I didn’t like that advice at the time, but once I was out of the marriage and had healed emotionally, I found that it was super advice.
I look forward to thanking him for it one day. He passed a couple of years ago.


----------



## Andy1001

ColoradoGuy said:


> Just more updates on current situation: I’ve decided I want this to be as amicable as possible. Me continuing to fight with her out of anger is not going to get me anywhere when it comes to the kid. I want my daughter to have parents who aren’t slinging mud long-term. My appointment with attorney got pushed to Thursday.
> 
> In the meantime, though we aren’t fighting and parenting as if nothing is going on, I have a constant sadness that I can’t shake. Seeing her all the time and knowing she wants nothing to do with me is tough to handle. There were a couple moments over the weekend where you could see a slight playful interlude and then she would suddenly retreat back to coldness. We used to have organic, natural conversation and now I’m trying to just generate small talk.
> She has a group of people online that keep her attention and have no doubt provided and continue to provide influence on her. We had a good conversation about it on Saturday and she admitted she needs to work on it. But it’s not going to go away.
> I was “done” with her last week but, if I’m being honest, my heart is fluid. I’m continuing to work on my own mind/body knowing we’re going to go our separate ways but would certainly reconcile if she woke up one morning and I said, “this is insane, I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know if it’ll make me happy. Let’s talk.” I don’t think it’ll get to that point as she’s still clearly making comments intended to signal to me that it’s over.
> 
> I don’t really know what I’m asking the board, but I’m welcome to any thoughts/suggestions.


You need to cut the ******** buddy. She gives you one iota of affection and your hopes go up only to get dashed again. 
Read the 180 and stick to it!!!


----------



## ColoradoGuy

Andy1001 said:


> You need to cut the ****** buddy. She gives you one iota of affection and your hopes go up only to get dashed again.
> Read the 180 and stick to it!!!





Andy1001 said:


> You need to cut the ****** buddy. She gives you one iota of affection and your hopes go up only to get dashed again.
> Read the 180 and stick to it!!!


How come no one told me about the 180 until now? I already feel 10x better reading it.


----------



## ArthurGPym

ColoradoGuy said:


> How come no one told me about the 180 until now? I already feel 10x better reading it.


Good for you. Good luck in your effort to detach.


----------



## Evinrude58

I think we have been raised to think that most people would be good partners and that in a marriage a couple should be able to work out problems. Infidelity in sex, money, other things.... that can’t really be fixed. In reality, there isn’t a huge portion of the population who. Is able to sustain a lifelong HAPPY marriage. If you like being married OP, realize that finding a good person is really difficult, and the one you have now isn’t even up to dud status. Do the 180 and move on. Only when you get to where the hope is gone and reality sets in and you start building a life without her, will you heal from this.


----------



## ConanHub

ColoradoGuy said:


> New member here.
> 
> Recently my wife became emotionally distant choosing to avoid me and snapped when I brought it up saying she’s “just going through right a phase.” This came after a year where things seemed to be pretty awesome in our relationship.
> Last week, she dropped the news that she can’t take the “Suburban mom housewife” thing anymore and wants out. She has been passionate about nature and has hinted that she just wants to go out and travel and live a life that makes her happy.
> I honestly don’t know if this means abandoning our daughter too. It was the strangest, more depressing about-face which, like a said, followed a really good year. She gets influenced by literature like Wild (Reese Witherspoon movie) and endangered species causes.
> Anyone have any advice? In bad times, she’s threatened things and cried Wolf but quickly come back and apologized. This seems different, she has very little emotion.


She needs a thorough physical and mental health evaluation.


----------



## aine

There are two possible reasons for this distance

1. she has met someone else online or otherwise who is giving her the attention that you are not as you a busy providing for the family. Have you actually found *evidence* of this or is is also 'aspirational.'? You keep saying you are 'done' with her. Tbh you sound like someone who wants your wife to get with the program, stay at home, be a good wifey with no needs or desires of her own. I sense a lack of empathy in your writing. A good reason in itself to leave.

OR

2. Your wife is lonely and stuck at home with a little kid without any outlet. Did your wife have a job before being married to you? What does she do for herself? The reality is that women often struggle with being alone at home with a kid/kids. It is sometimes a thankless task and one that not every woman is cut out for. Has there been any change in the dynamics of your relationship. Have you been working longer hours for example? of course if she has been cheating then that is no excuse but I do not see where you said she has been? Where is the evidence or is this all supposition?
Have I missed something? You appear to have been egged on by all the cynics on this board, oh she is cheating, get a lawyer, blah blah blah.

A woman who stays home and watches TV all day, only communicates on line is depressed or heading for depression and if this is the way you are responding then maybe she would be much better off without you. I guess all you picked up on was the statement where she wanted a life 'gee whizz' God forbid she would want a life and not want to be stuck at home all day with absolutely no life but must put on a smile and pretend all is well to a husband who doesn't have a clue or maybe doesn't want his current routine upset by the inconvenience of a wife who may be depressed.

Something feels very off about all of this and how you handled it also.


----------



## aine

ConanHub said:


> She needs a thorough physical and mental health evaluation.


The first sensible comment and we are already on page 4.


----------



## ColoradoGuy

aine said:


> There are two possible reasons for this distance
> 
> 1. she has met someone else online or otherwise who is giving her the attention that you are not as you a busy providing for the family. Have you actually found *evidence* of this or is is also 'aspirational.'? You keep saying you are 'done' with her. Tbh you sound like someone who wants your wife to get with the program, stay at home, be a good wifey with no needs or desires of her own. I sense a lack of empathy in your writing. A good reason in itself to leave.
> 
> OR
> 
> 2. Your wife is lonely and stuck at home with a little kid without any outlet. Did your wife have a job before being married to you? What does she do for herself? The reality is that women often struggle with being alone at home with a kid/kids. It is sometimes a thankless task and one that not every woman is cut out for. Has there been any change in the dynamics of your relationship. Have you been working longer hours for example? of course if she has been cheating then that is no excuse but I do not see where you said she has been? Where is the evidence or is this all supposition?
> Have I missed something? You appear to have been egged on by all the cynics on this board, oh she is cheating, get a lawyer, blah blah blah.
> 
> A woman who stays home and watches TV all day, only communicates on line is depressed or heading for depression and if this is the way you are responding then maybe she would be much better off without you. I guess all you picked up on was the statement where she wanted a life 'gee whizz' God forbid she would want a life and not want to be stuck at home all day with absolutely no life but must put on a smile and pretend all is well to a husband who doesn't have a clue or maybe doesn't want his current routine upset by the inconvenience of a wife who may be depressed.
> 
> Something feels very off about all of this and how you handled it also.


Easy. My wife quit her job when we moved to a different state 11 years back for my career. She decided that she didn’t really want to work after that, instead blowing money on an expensive horse habit that made her happy. She eventually decided to substitute teach to help the cause and quit when she got pregnant after about 6 months of teaching. 
We moved again when the kid was 1 back to her home state near friends and family. When Covid started, I was working from home and here all the time and the relationship blossomed again. Then suddenly, it stopped two months ago. The only thing I suggested was that she could maybe look into part-time work from home employment. I didn’t push her or anything.


----------



## ColoradoGuy

aine said:


> There are two possible reasons for this distance
> 
> 1. she has met someone else online or otherwise who is giving her the attention that you are not as you a busy providing for the family. Have you actually found *evidence* of this or is is also 'aspirational.'? You keep saying you are 'done' with her. Tbh you sound like someone who wants your wife to get with the program, stay at home, be a good wifey with no needs or desires of her own. I sense a lack of empathy in your writing. A good reason in itself to leave.
> 
> OR
> 
> 2. Your wife is lonely and stuck at home with a little kid without any outlet. Did your wife have a job before being married to you? What does she do for herself? The reality is that women often struggle with being alone at home with a kid/kids. It is sometimes a thankless task and one that not every woman is cut out for. Has there been any change in the dynamics of your relationship. Have you been working longer hours for example? of course if she has been cheating then that is no excuse but I do not see where you said she has been? Where is the evidence or is this all supposition?
> Have I missed something? You appear to have been egged on by all the cynics on this board, oh she is cheating, get a lawyer, blah blah blah.
> 
> A woman who stays home and watches TV all day, only communicates on line is depressed or heading for depression and if this is the way you are responding then maybe she would be much better off without you. I guess all you picked up on was the statement where she wanted a life 'gee whizz' God forbid she would want a life and not want to be stuck at home all day with absolutely no life but must put on a smile and pretend all is well to a husband who doesn't have a clue or maybe doesn't want his current routine upset by the inconvenience of a wife who may be depressed.
> 
> Something feels very off about all of this and how you handled it also.


And yes to the first question. The iPad my kid uses is linked to her facetime and I found that she called a number for an hour and 15 mins when she stormed out of the house to go to her “sisters.” I grabbed the number and did some looking and it’s to a Stoner guy in Houston who lives with his parents. She’s mentioned it in the past as a friend she’s met online and it seemed innocent. I had no clue they were actually talking on the phone and I can only surmise that she called him after a big fight with me because he was her shoulder to cry on. As an aside, she’s gotten really into weed recently and I’m guessing he’s an influence. Anyway, snooped again today and she talked to him for 45 mins when I was out working out. There’s certainly a chance he’s just a “weed smoking plutonic buddy” as he’s not much to look at but maybe they “just really connected” and she wants to take a chance with this loser.
Anyway, 180.


----------



## Beach123

She definitely is interested in him. IF he was just a friend why would she be hiding it from you?

Be careful, you don’t want her able to move your kids away from where you are.

She’s done. File for divorce and start making your case to the court to protect yourself and your ability to have time with your child.


----------



## Casual Observer

manwithnoname said:


> She wants to sow her wild oats and get plowed (probably in reverse order) And once she's got that out of her system, may want to come back to her family.
> 
> *Make it perfectly clear that if she leaves, she's not welcome back.*


Never really seen this as great advice, since it implies staying is a reasonable option. Do you really want someone staying in the relationship that might be wondering how things might have been?


----------



## manwithnoname

Casual Observer said:


> Never really seen this as great advice, since it implies staying is a reasonable option. Do you really want someone staying in the relationship that might be wondering how things might have been?


I see your point, but wondering how things might have been and wondering how things could be are two different things.


----------



## In Absentia

I would tell your wife about the Stoner guy... not sure what's the point in keeping snooping now. She needs to know that you know and that you are not a fool. Never mind about breaching her privacy if she brings it up...


----------



## ConanHub

aine said:


> The first sensible comment and we are already on page 4.


It probably won't be considered. The OP was chock full of indicators however.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

ColoradoGuy said:


> And yes to the first question. The iPad my kid uses is linked to her facetime and I found that she called a number for an hour and 15 mins when she stormed out of the house to go to her “sisters.” I grabbed the number and did some looking and it’s to a Stoner guy in Houston who lives with his parents. She’s mentioned it in the past as a friend she’s met online and it seemed innocent. I had no clue they were actually talking on the phone and I can only surmise that she called him after a big fight with me because he was her shoulder to cry on. As an aside, she’s gotten really into weed recently and I’m guessing he’s an influence. Anyway, snooped again today and she talked to him for 45 mins when I was out working out. There’s certainly a chance he’s just a “weed smoking plutonic buddy” as he’s not much to look at but maybe they “just really connected” and she wants to take a chance with this loser.
> Anyway, 180.


Have you brought this guy up to her?


----------



## uphillbattle

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you brought this guy up to her?


At this point it shouldn't matter. If he is done than what she sticks her nose in won't be of his concern. The more he dwells on that the longer it will take him to detach.


----------



## ColoradoGuy

In Absentia said:


> I would tell your wife about the Stoner guy... not sure what's the point in keeping snooping now. She needs to know that you know and that you are not a fool. Never mind about breaching her privacy if she brings it up...


Not gonna do it right now. Need to keep this amicable for the kid’s sake. It f*#%ing sucks….but I need to be smart about this and not go off emotion. It’s not going to change things.


----------



## ColoradoGuy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you brought this guy up to her?


That last big fight we had (last Thursday) was over the potential “other person” which she failed to really deny (see earlier in thread). I only found out after that when she drove away, she talked to him for an 1 hour and 15 mins before coming home.
And when I mean this guy is not much to look at, I mean it. He is 35 and lives with his parents, doesn’t own his own vehicle and his last job showing up on the background check was as a restaurant shift manager in 2016. He’s probably a dealer and that could be lucrative in Texas.
She’s just gotten so far down the weed rabbit hole and wants “chill vibes.” He probably roped her in on that or they could be totally in the friend zone but he is in love with her and she listens to him so he took an opportunity to undermine the marriage. Obviously this is all just speculation on my part because none of this makes sense.
We attended a parent/teacher conference last night and she still put in the smiling face and still takes very meticulous care of her appearance.


----------



## Evinrude58

What the AP looks like, job, etc, is Immaterial as you know. What’s important is that HE is in your wife’s head, HE gets her blood pumping, HE is the person she chooses over you.

Don’t fail to protect yourself by divorcing her. Nobody wants to ever be in this situation, but I assure you the faster you get out of infidelity and on your a new life, the faster your pain will lessen and end. And we here that have experienced that pain, hope you can get out of it as soon as possible.


----------



## Livvie

Ahhh she quit her job and turned her energy _and the marital funds_ towards an expensive horse hobby even before you had a child. 

That's very telling about her general personality.


----------



## ColoradoGuy

Livvie said:


> Ahhh she quit her job and turned her energy _and the marital funds_ towards an expensive horse hobby even before you had a child.
> 
> That's very telling about her general personality.


Yes there have always been warning signs but love blinds you. I think it was the progress I saw being made: getting a job when things got too expensive, voluntarily selling the horses, WANTING to “settle down” and have children after years of indecisiveness (there’s that word again), and then acknowledging her shortcomings in that previous year before all this went down- “I’ve been a terrible wife and I want to make it up to you” “I love you more than anything and you’ve been so good to me” blah blah blah.

Look in an idiot, clearly. But people on here taking her side are misinformed.


----------



## aine

ColoradoGuy said:


> Yes there have always been warning signs but love blinds you. I think it was the progress I saw being made: getting a job when things got too expensive, voluntarily selling the horses, WANTING to “settle down” and have children after years of indecisiveness (there’s that word again), and then acknowledging her shortcomings in that previous year before all this went down- “I’ve been a terrible wife and I want to make it up to you” “I love you more than anything and you’ve been so good to me” blah blah blah.
> 
> Look in an idiot, clearly. But people on here taking her side are misinformed.


This sheds a lot more light on your scenario, she sounded 'flighty' from day one, not marriage material.


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## manowar

Livvie said:


> _ marital funds_ towards an expensive horse hobby


the dreaded horse ownership......should be called the bills never stop coming. You are a patient man. Seems like those patience are wearing thin. everyman has his line in the sand. I bet she's damn close to that line.



ColoradoGuy said:


> years of indecisiveness



you know what you've got here. Maybe she's just waiting for you to break it... If you do, Id recommends full NC. Stop all the husband things she relies on you for. Let her have a taste of what its really like being on her own without your support.


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## ColoradoGuy

aine said:


> This sheds a lot more light on your scenario, she sounded 'flighty' from day one, not marriage material.


Yes, that’s fair.


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## ColoradoGuy

manowar said:


> the dreaded horse ownership......should be called the bills never stop coming. You are a patient man. Seems like those patience are wearing thin. everyman has his line in the sand. I bet she's damn close to that line.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> you know what you've got here. Maybe she's just waiting for you to break it... If you do, Id recommends full NC. Stop all the husband things she relies on you for. Let her have a taste of what its really like being on her own without your support.


How can I do that when we have a 5-year old in the house? There are going to be constant interactions until she moves out. I can’t really afford to move her out right now and figure out the logistics with the kid.


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## Landofblue

Don’t know if you mentioned this but why not call her parents/siblings and tell them “you’re daughter/sister is smoking a lot of pot and now wants to leave me for her dealer who lives hundreds of miles away”. 
Affairs wither and die in the sunlight. I would expose it to everyone that matters. 
Also are her messages replicating on the iPad?

She’s broken trust even if she hasn’t yet been with him in person. It will take a monumental effort for her to rebuild that. It’s doubtful she has it in her to do so.


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## ColoradoGuy

Landofblue said:


> Don’t know if you mentioned this but why not call her parents/siblings and tell them “you’re daughter/sister is smoking a lot of pot and now wants to leave me for her dealer who lives hundreds of miles away”.
> Affairs wither and die in the sunlight. I would expose it to everyone that matters.
> Also are her messages replicating on the iPad?
> 
> She’s broken trust even if she hasn’t yet been with him in person. It will take a monumental effort for her to rebuild that. It’s doubtful she has it in her to do so.


Yah that would make me feel better but don’t know how it would help me with the kid situation.


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## jlg07

ColoradoGuy said:


> Yah that would make me feel better but don’t know how it would help me with the kid situation.


At least your kids will see YOU standing up for yourself and NOT putting up with this. Great example to THEM for future relationships.


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## ColoradoGuy

jlg07 said:


> At least your kids will see YOU standing up for yourself and NOT putting up with this. Great example to THEM for future relationships.


She’s 5


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## uphillbattle

ColoradoGuy said:


> She’s 5


What age would be a good age for her to see you not be a doormat?


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## ColoradoGuy

uphillbattle said:


> What age would be a good age for her to see you not be a doormat?


People say to cut her off and move on (do a 180) and the others say to call her out on some [email protected] she’s talking to and tell on her to her family. Which is it?


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## BigDaddyNY

ColoradoGuy said:


> People say to cut her off and move on (do a 180) and the others say to call her out on some [email protected] she’s talking to and tell on her to her family. Which is it?


Both?


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## uphillbattle

ColoradoGuy said:


> People say to cut her off and move on (do a 180) and the others say to call her out on some [email protected] she’s talking to and tell on her to her family. Which is it?


Why not both?


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## Evinrude58

You will be treated how you Allow yourself to be trested.

your wife has made you beyond insecure in this relationship for years.
She will continue to do so.

There’s no way will you ever be happy with her.
Try not to let your fear of the unknown prevent you from achieving happiness.
I assure you, being single isn’t that bad.


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## Luckylucky

aine said:


> There are two possible reasons for this distance
> 
> 1. she has met someone else online or otherwise who is giving her the attention that you are not as you a busy providing for the family. Have you actually found *evidence* of this or is is also 'aspirational.'? You keep saying you are 'done' with her. Tbh you sound like someone who wants your wife to get with the program, stay at home, be a good wifey with no needs or desires of her own. I sense a lack of empathy in your writing. A good reason in itself to leave.
> 
> OR
> 
> 2. Your wife is lonely and stuck at home with a little kid without any outlet. Did your wife have a job before being married to you? What does she do for herself? The reality is that women often struggle with being alone at home with a kid/kids. It is sometimes a thankless task and one that not every woman is cut out for. Has there been any change in the dynamics of your relationship. Have you been working longer hours for example? of course if she has been cheating then that is no excuse but I do not see where you said she has been? Where is the evidence or is this all supposition?
> Have I missed something? You appear to have been egged on by all the cynics on this board, oh she is cheating, get a lawyer, blah blah blah.
> 
> A woman who stays home and watches TV all day, only communicates on line is depressed or heading for depression and if this is the way you are responding then maybe she would be much better off without you. I guess all you picked up on was the statement where she wanted a life 'gee whizz' God forbid she would want a life and not want to be stuck at home all day with absolutely no life but must put on a smile and pretend all is well to a husband who doesn't have a clue or maybe doesn't want his current routine upset by the inconvenience of a wife who may be depressed.
> 
> Something feels very off about all of this and how you handled it also.


A lot of us went through this, it’s not and easy time and a lot of us also had serious depression. But I only know of one friend who was online chatting with a man and coming up with a stream of constant new hobbies. She did have a physical affair and spent less and less time with her kids. That’s when we stopped being friends.

The rest of us got therapy, saw our kids’ nurses, sought out our gal pals and joined mother’s groups to try and be better mums and deal with the difficulties. Found part time jobs when we were mentally stronger, etc. Yeah it’s not an easy time, husband working & doesn’t understand, it’s hard, you feel worthless, but it passes and if you’re lonely, you’d seek out the sisterhood, not the online thing.


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## LisaDiane

ColoradoGuy said:


> People say to cut her off and move on (do a 180) and the others say to call her out on some [email protected] she’s talking to and tell on her to her family. Which is it?


What IS your plan...? What do YOU think would be the best way to handle this?


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## uphillbattle

LisaDiane said:


> What IS your plan...? What do YOU think would be the best way to handle this?


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## SunCMars

Luckylucky said:


> it’s hard, you feel worthless, but it passes and if you’re lonely, you’d seek out the sisterhood, not the online thing.


Without the online thing some of us would remain invisible.

And some of us would be thought daft, and uninspiring.
Just another pair of shoes, tripping over our 'woe' laces, looking for an out, a better way forward.

I would not exist, my words never seen.

The sisterhood needs blokes like me.
They do.


_The Typist- _my only chance has arrived.


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## Livvie

Honestly, I think the relationship has been toast since the horse thing. She showed her true colors and disinterest in being a real life partner and she still has the same personality.

End this relationship and work on building a new life.


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## manowar

Tough spot. One way to wake her up is to file for divorce; put your house on the market. Hard decisive action is required to get out of your current situation. 

this will show her you've had enough. Will anything change otherwise. Methinks you are tired of her sh+t. Woman cannot be left in the position of doing as they please. Otherwise, you end up where you are. All I can say is you have to take control back in this relationship. You need to dictate the terms you are comfortable with. Hard decisive action need not be immediate. Put a plan together and put it into action when you are ready. Perhaps Jan/Feb 2022.

You should probably start watching some Red Pill videos like rollo tomassi the rational man and book, and Rich cooper. You might want to buy coopers book - i forgot the title. Entrepreneurs and Cars is his youtube channel. This material might help your thinking through these issues if you are not familiar with it already.

She sounds like a flake man. Only going by what you're posting.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

ColoradoGuy said:


> How come no one told me about the 180 until now? I already feel 10x better reading it.


Implement it. It works. As I have advised others counterintuitive, but highly effective if you follow it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

I have skimmed through your post and you are indeed in a tough spot. I sense you still have love for your wife. I sense you say you want to end it, but I do not feel you are 100% there. I have been in your shoes, however, without small children. Busted my wife six years ago in an affair with the co-worker. I heard the same BS you are hearing, and my wife asked for a separation twice. The first time I did the pick me dance prior to joining this site. 

After joining @Marc878 advised me to get her suitcases for her when she brought it up. Well she started on the “we don’t click, I want a separation”. I slammed my hand down on the kitchen table told my FWW to hold that thought I would be right back, and went upstairs and came down with two suitcases. Her eyes bugged out. I told her I am not leaving, but you are free to leave and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! Shocked the hell out of her as I had always been very mild and never raised my voice but one time at her in our 29 years of marriage at that time.

I took the advice of the good folks on here, busted her with her AP at an office party she conveniently told me I was not invited to, implemented the 180 left the area for six weeks, exposed to family and friends, and was out of touch for the time. I was hell bent on divorce,but after I thought it through the question that stuck in my mind was “would my life be better with her in it, or out of it?” I pondered this and I knew if she showed true remorse and worked on herself, R was a possibility.I was one of the lucky ones and time has proven I made the correct decision. 

Why was I successful, she was shown that I would be just fine without her.

I know how you feel currently, and I 100% know this is not easy on you. Ask her to go and stay with her parents, so she is out of your house and you have time to think without her running interference. Ponder my question I used to solve my situation “Would my life be better with her in it, or out of it?” If you think there is a chance to salvage, consider finding a highly qualified marriage counselor (MC) as you both will need it. She seems like a prime candidate for IC, too. She needs to work on herself.

I wish you the best. Feel free to PM me if you need to ask questions. You will get through this! You will find that you are stronger than you realize! This is a temporary situation, not one that has to be permanent.

Best to you getting out of this situation.


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## jlg07

ColoradoGuy said:


> She’s 5


Yeah? There is no age limit to displaying the correct way to live. I'm not saying "Hey Mom's a sl*t and it out banging other guys".
You SHOW that you are strong and have self-esteem.
If you wife wants out, show her where the suitcases are, the door, and say have a great life if you don't value the life you have with me and your D.
LOVE your daughter, be close to her, work on YOU, and continue to do the 180.


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