# My wife makes my life Hell (Most of the time)



## osh (Jan 13, 2014)

-retracted-


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Figure out your boundaries and limits, then stick with them. It might make your life hell for awhile, but eventually it will be better. One way or another. 

How long did you date before you got married? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess she's never lived on her own?

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GET HER PREGNANT!

Oh, and for future reference... If you don't want an immature spouse, don't marry a teenager. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It doesn't sound worth saving. She's too immature to improve any time soon. IMO, I suggest you cut your losses and move on ASAP. There's no shame in quitting when it would be stupid to continue, and mess up your life even more than it is.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well since the only one you can control is you, why don't you start by examining your own behavior? You say you tease her but you're only "playing", but if your wife doesn't like it and you continue to do it you're a bully. I can easily see a scenario where you tease, she gets upset, and you try to talk to her about her "behavior" in response; if you did that to me I'd lose my mind too. First look at how you are contributing to the dynamic and after you do that tell her you can't live like this, and you can see a MC or a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

There is a good called "Boundaries in Marriage" that your story reminds me of, which I think could be really helpful for you and for her.

But man, this all stinks of incredible immaturity. And her "play fighting" is pure manipulation. Ultimately I think you'll have to employ a sort of 180 and just hope that she's willing to stick with it because it will result in a long series of temper-tantrum's is my guess. After that, after she realizes that she isn't going to win that way, she might be open to a little maturity.

For the record though, that's the same way I approach my 9 year old when she doesn't want to go to bed at bed time...


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

If it was not for your age i would have thought you was a friend of mine who is going through exactly what you are.

I can tell you from experience that if you do not do something now, its going to get worse much worse.

The person i know is living in hell at the moment, no matter what he does, its wrong.

He has to cook, clean the house, look after a 5 month old baby, and hold down a full time job!!!!.

I have tried giving him all the advice i can, but i cant do anything for him unless he helps himself.

I told him this before he got married and had a baby, but its just got worse....

The more you let her get away it the worse its going to get

You need to sit her down, and make her listen, tell her your at your limit, and things need to change.

I know what your going through because at the moment i am helping someone else, who is going through nearly everything you have said.

She needs to know your not going to put up with it anymore.

Please do it now, before it gets worse, and trust me it will.

Good luck.


----------



## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

I must agree, put some boundaries and see how she reacts. I bed she is going to either pull a major fight, or she is going to grow up a bit and change her attitude. 

Why did you marry her when you already know her 'temper'? I hope she didn't 'guilt' you into it some how. 

She is too young and immature. It will take some time (a long time actually) for her to grow up. You think she is a bully now, wait till you both have babies. And no matter what, no matter how much she might want to convince you to have a baby.... not until YOU are comfortable with the idea 100%.... do not get her pregnant. Do not believe when she said she is on the pills or whatever. 

You are still very young, it is an option to walk away. You know, it will REALLY HURT when you stuck it out for another decades and resulting she never grow up because of you let her. 

Doing the 180 also help... if you look around here, we throw the 180 around a lot. I am the last one to give advice, but it does help for your sake. It helps me, it gives me a clearer mind to sort out myself and the situation as well....


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

osh said:


> She was ...spoiled and given everything she wanted.


Osh, welcome to the TAM forum. The outrageous behaviors you describe -- e.g., the frequent rages, very controlling behavior, strong verbal abuse, and her dislocating your jaw -- go far beyond "spoiled." It also goes well beyond the "immature behavior" typical of 19 year olds. Indeed, you may be describing some of the red flags for a well-known personality disorder. I therefore ask whether you've seen strong occurrences of most of the following warning signs:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of those warning signs sound very familiar, Osh, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. And, for purposes of our discussion, it would be helpful to know which of these 18 behaviors are the very strongest. Take care, Osh.


----------



## osh (Jan 13, 2014)

-retracted-


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You never answered my questions... How long did you date? Did she ever live on here own? And now, why did you ignore your family?

Btw... Your family will just want you to be happy. Swallow your pride and talk to them, if you need to. I bet they'll welcome you with open arms. 

C


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well since the only one you can control is you, why don't you start by examining your own behavior? You say you tease her but you're only "playing", but if your wife doesn't like it and you continue to do it you're a bully. I can easily see a scenario where you tease, she gets upset, and you try to talk to her about her "behavior" in response; if you did that to me I'd lose my mind too. First look at how you are contributing to the dynamic and after you do that tell her you can't live like this, and you can see a MC or a lawyer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry but did you read she dislocated his jaw? Maybe you should use your forum name and use that for advice for this poster.


----------



## osh (Jan 13, 2014)

-retracted-


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

osh said:


> All of those ring SO TRUE besides #13 and #17. She acts how SHE wants, whether it pushes people away or not.


Osh, the 18 behaviors listed above are my expansions on the nine classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the nine basic traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the nine traits to some degree.

At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits the nine traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most of them at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident you will be able to spot any warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn what to look for. There is nothing subtle about red flags such as physical abuse (e.g., dislocating your jaw), temper tantrums, and very controlling behavior.

I therefore suggest you read my more detailed description of the BPD warning signs in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, Osh, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Moreover, I would be glad to try and answer any questions you have about these warning signs.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Set your boundaries and stand strong.. Often, when you do so and haven't before its like declaring war. Things will get worse before they get better if better is possible. keep at at it. She will push back in an effort to maintain previous dynamics. it works for her. Ride it out even though it seems worse, In time you will know without a doubt whether you should stay or go. just be sure to state directly, calmly, confidently what your issues are and what changes you want to see. No guesswork involved. If she explodes when you do just walk away and address it again if/when she is calm and inquiring. Otherwise tell her you would love to discuss it when she is able to do so calmly and productively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I can say is please learn from your mistakes... Married after dating for two months? You need to look at your role in this fiasco.

C


----------



## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Thought you might want to check out this series from Psychology Today called 'Stop Walking On Eggshell". 

What Have You Done for Me Lately? Entitlement: A Key Narcissistic Trait | Psychology Today

I don't think she is a NPD, but sounds like a BPD for sure. She is emotionally abusing you.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

You choose poorly Osh just like many men do including myself. People like your wife rarely change and the odds are stacked against you. Please don't waste another day of your precious youth and health on somebody like her. They don't deserve it. Stop having sex immediately and contact an attorney. If you get her pregnant you will live in hell for 18 years and beyond. Dump!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Sorry but did you read she dislocated his jaw? Maybe you should use your forum name and use that for advice for this poster.



Nice, hurl personal insults because you don't like what I write. You're right, I'm sure he has no part in the unhealthy dynamic at all, he should just divorce her and behave exactly the same way with a new woman.
Geez, i never said he should accept things, I said he should examine how he contributes, which is something everyone should do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't see where I personally insulted you by stating life is too short to deal with domestic violence.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nice, hurl personal insults because you don't like what I write. You're right, I'm sure he has no part in the unhealthy dynamic at all, he should just divorce her and behave exactly the same way with a new woman.
> Geez, i never said he should accept things, I said he should examine how he contributes, which is something everyone should do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I fail to see how any behavior on his part short of choking her before breakfast would call for breaking his jaw or other violent tendencies. She's a nutjob and should be dumped. 

I see it all the time how poor behavior is justified because feelings were hurt or some other lunar/planetary alignment event. 

Ultimately the OP's main issue is his poor judgment in picking a mentally unstable and NPD person. For his sake I hope the next woman is not prone to these behaviors and he appreciates every inch of her.


----------



## Mysterymind (Jan 7, 2014)

All that glitters is always fool's gold. A lot of guys that marry a beautiful wife are rarely the lucky one's.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Sash (Mar 17, 2014)

Ok ok ok let's get things straight. I am the wife in this situation. The image that my husband has painted of me is incredibly wrong. First of all, dislocating his jaw was an ACCIDENT. I didn't mean to at all and felt horrible and apologized a million times after he told me what happened. 
Secondly, as for the "play fighting" my husband is the one who started the "you don't even like me" "you hate me" crap. Not me. He says stuff like that constantly. And he constantly is teasing me about things that actually hurts my feelings. I have told him that he's not funny and that I don't like it but he won't stop. 
Thirdly, when he says that I try to keep him from his friends and family... WRONG. he's only referring to his older brother who I got in a fight with and he called me several horrible names, threatened to have his own wife fight me, told me that he hoped I would die, and screamed at me in the parking lot of our apartment complex. So of course I wouldn't want such a psycho involved in our marriage or in my life at all, for that matter. Who would?
Fourthly, I let my husband do practically whatever he wants. The only thing I don't like him to do is to sit and play video games all day and ignore me. Which he does. 
Fifth, as for the people at our work not liking me is wrong because I was friends with everyone there except for the ONE girl that happened to like my husband at the time, so naturally she wouldn't like me. Not to mention, that my husband has asked for her number WITHIN THE FIRST WEEK OF US DATING AND LIED TO ME ABOUT IT. I only found out because one of the girls I was friends with gave me the heads up and told me that she knew they were texting behind my back. 

I'm extremely hurt about the things my husband has said about me on this forum because most of this is not true. I'm stunned to see the kind of picture he paints of me and the kind of horrible person he makes me seem like to complete strangers.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You two need to get down to the Courthouse and fill out annulment paperwork. It's fast and cheap way to end the marriage. But you have to do it before your one year anniversary. 

The two of you are babies. You married waaaay too young. They say a person's brain isn't fully developed until they are 21. The two you prove that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Seems like you have tried everything, and still your unhappy. Your both at each others throat and its just not healthy.

Seeing as your problems were already there before you married, Like i say i cant see them getting any better, and you both seem so angry with each other, how do you live like it??.

you both seem like you do not have respect for each other, blaming each other for your problems that you both need to sort out.

Is your marriage worth saving??

Good job you have no children in the marriage, so if you did decide to separate its one less thing to worry about.


----------

