# Need advice on in law issues- sorry for the long post



## color70 (Apr 16, 2013)

My husband and I have been married 4 years (dated for a year before that). Our troubles started since our wedding- we are of Indian origin- he was born and brought up in the US, I moved here 11 years ago to go to grad school- and his parents are more traditional than mine. When we were engaged I told him my only wish was to have a small intimate wedding- his mom insisted we have a wedding reception here and in her hometown back in India in addition to the one we had planned on. Not only that she insisted we have a civil wedding on an "auspicious date" without my parents around. At the time I let it go because I didn't want to cause issues entering a new family but it has caused a lot of resentment. His sister added to the problems by planning our reception here like it was her own wedding -she's 40 and never been married and does not like me for some reason. I didn't want to have a wedding website and told her so despite which she created one for us and then forced us to keep it by involving her parents. Every aspect of the wedding was controlled by her. This again has caused a lot of resentment on my end.

Fast forward four years later and my boundaries have been violated many times by his mom and sister (this includes his sister telling me at a dinner with friends that I'll have children with many genetic issues because of allergies I have and a genetic condition my husband has which has never bothered me- btw she shares this condition as well and wants children herself). My husband never said anything to them which has caused a lot of rift between us. Not only that he's always involving them in our decisions and turns to them for advice, ignoring what I may feel. Last year we were in a minor car accident that upset my husband and instead of turning to me for support when I was right there he called them. This hurt me very badly. I don't have any immediate family here which complicates things as well since we always have to visit with his family over holidays, etc. I could go on and on about the boundary violations.

I feel like he never stands up for me or tells them when they are crossing a line. This has lead to some shouting matches (mostly me shouting a lot). My husband and his family are very averse to ANY conflict which is part of the reason he never confronts them. I'm the opposite- I like to discuss things and let people know when they've done something wrong. I kept quiet to maintain the peace but that's just built a lot of resentment. We've gone to therapy and have been trying to work things out but I can't get my husband to see that he needs to distance himself from them and not be so dependent on them. 

A couple of months back his parents came to visit a couple of weeks after we bought a new puppy home (which in itself was stressful) and it lead to a lot of tension and them eventually leaving earlier than planned, on a bad note. I haven't spoken to them since. He did say a few things to them at the time but now he wants me to make up with them so he can feel good about our relationship and work on it. I need some space from them at this point to get over my resentment and bitterness.

My husband visited them last weekend and has come back saying we should probably get a divorce but he's not 100% sure- we had this very conversation a month back and decided to try working things out but I haven't seen much of an effort from him. I'm really exhausted at this point. I don't know if I should keep trying or throw in the towel. Any advice?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

No kids?

You seem to know what healthy boundaries are, and that they keep getting crossed. And you seem to know letting them continuing the same old thing isn't going to work in the long run. 

Does he even see their behavior as inappropriate? Or does he think they behave fine and you just need to learn to swallow it? What has he told you by his words? By his actions?


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## color70 (Apr 16, 2013)

He says he loves me but has trouble displeasing his parents in any way. He always says they have good intentions and don't mean harm- I've pointed out many examples but he just goes quiet. He really never communicates when we are fighting leading to more frustration and screaming on my part which in turn drives us further apart. It took him almost 4 years to admit that they were indeed crossing boundaries- he finally had a conversation with his sister which has helped but he feels very badly about it- his family is very non-confrontational and this probably made him feel he was going against the grain. I honestly don't know if he will ever see that we need to create our own family and make our own decisions. I left home for school in my early twenties and am very independent in a lot of ways compared to him. I've tried to understand but I don't think I can knowing they will always come before me.

We have no kids and don't own a home together- he bought a home before we got married and we've continued to live there even though I really want to invest in a home myself. He won't move forward with kids or a new home until we've resolved our issues which I understand, but I'm in my mid-thirties and don't feel secure in this relationship emotionally or financially.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I sent you a PM. Check your Private Message box.


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## color70 (Apr 16, 2013)

Thank you so much for your responses! 

@CA- I tried to reply to your PM but got this message
Coffee Amore has exceeded their stored private messages quota and cannot accept further messages until they clear some space. Thought I'd let you know.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Do you think his family would be glad to see you go, if you do go?

Btw, I am working on making myself aware in the moment when my wife is effectively trying to shut down the discussion of an issue. I have let her unplug too many times, and the damage from that piles up.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry about the full PM inbox. I cleared some messages so it's got room for new messages now.


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