# being torn apart



## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

I've been reading many posts, and see I'm not alone. I'm one of many that have been here. I'm 4 months post separation, praying we may reconcile. I love my wife with all my heart, she brought pure joy into my life, and I cannot imagine not spending the rest of my life with her. I truly hope this is just a challenge we must overcome. 

I'm not sure what to hope for by posting my story. I guess I'm hoping for some advice, support, encouragement, etc. I also think it may help me get through this. I'm not sure how much detail to go into, but for for now I'll skim the surface.

My wife and I are now separated. I never saw it coming. By accident I found out that she was leaving me. that bit is vital in understanding how bad communication was, and why things are seem so impossible to rectify right now. because we're still not really communicating. She didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted to "escape" it.

I've learned that she carefully planed her "escape ". she secured an apartment, and she had planned on moving out after a short business trip, that changed when I found out sooner then expected. She left me suddenly, with no warning not even an argument or discussion. We had issues, stemming from my previous marriage (all the things you'd expect but much worse). I know I made mistakes, I didn't put our relationship first while I dealt with the baggage from the previous marriage, poor financial decisions, spending to find happiness, I got depressed when my children left every weekend. i could go on, but I think you get the idea. 

About a month post separation, she started talking to me again, and said that she thought maybe we could continue to be a couple but live apart, seeing each other once or twice a week. she didn't want to do counseling, but eventually she agreed to try it. I don't think that went well, i think it was to focused on the past, and not focused enough the goal of reconciling. It was to me, to much focused on the how did we get to this place instead of how to we get to that place. Maybe that is where I'm really wrong- maybe that is what I need to understand, but right now I'm not sure I'm ready to explore that because It brings back all the pain and suffering of when she told me she was leaving me. 

I really want to make this work, but realistically i'm going to need to rent out a room in my house in order to keep it, and once I do that, a reconciliation to me, becomes more much more challenging. I'm also feeling like if she really wanted to reconcile, moving back in would make it a heck of a lot easier, am I right? She certainly has made her point and gotten my attention. 

Has anyone ever successfully reconciled after months, or years apart? that's what the timeline of this is looking like. not that there is any commitment of a timeline to begin with. Which is part of my suffering, there is not a commitment to even reconcile, its more about talking about the past, not about the future.

Thanks for listening

Paul


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

ConfusedAlone said:


> I've been reading many posts, and see I'm not alone. I'm one of many that have been here. I'm 4 months post separation, praying we may reconcile. I love my wife with all my heart, she brought pure joy into my life, and I cannot imagine not spending the rest of my life with her. I truly hope this is just a challenge we must overcome.
> 
> I'm not sure what to hope for by posting my story. I guess I'm hoping for some advice, support, encouragement, etc. I also think it may help me get through this. I'm not sure how much detail to go into, but for for now I'll skim the surface.
> 
> ...


Hi, Paul. Reading your post... very similar to my reaction and story and I'm sure many more on here would say the same.

However, your wife is showing (or has shown) you that she's open to working on it. Most of us never get that chance and would have done anything to get it.

Are you two still going to therapy? If so, I'd recommend apologizing for making it about the failures of the past and pledge to make it about improving for a better future. If she's since stopped going to counseling with you, then apologize anyway and ask her to give it another try.

She might not agree, but if you want to do everything in your power to get her back it's worth a shot.

You outlined some things you didn't do well in the marriage (focusing on your first marriage, being depressed when your children leave, not putting your new relationship first etc.) but are these her words or your perception of why she left? Has she talked in the therapy sessions you did attend about why she felt the need to leave?

If I'm being completely honest, and based on my own experience, you have to prepare for the worst. My wife had also planned her exit for some time (had an apartment lined up, a friend's place to stay at until it was ready etc.) and chances are the seed of the idea started long before any objective steps were taken. That's going to make this extremely challenging because her narrative has been, "I must leave," for a long time now; longer than you'd probably want to know about.

But! she has extended an olive branch with counseling and even said she wants to continue as a couple. It's possible that she's going to keep you on the hook until she finds someone that's better to her, but I don't know enough about your situation to say that with any definitiveness.

In terms of a timeline, you're 4 months in so it's not fresh, but it's not extremely far along either. By almost 4 months in, my wife filed for divorce, so you have more hope than I did after the same amount of time. Are you taking her up on the offer of dating a couple of times a week? If so, how is it going? Is communication going well on these dates if they're happening or do one or both of you bring up past hurts?

If you are dating and it's going well, I wouldn't push for a timeline any time soon. Actually, I wouldn't do that either way. If you aren't dating and communication has mostly stopped or is contentious, you'll probably need to go no contact and use the 180 (you can Google it or there are several posts about it on here). That way you at least improve yourself and make it easier to move on if it comes to that.

You're likely in for a long ride with many peaks and valleys. Lean on this site and the long time posters on here. They've really helped me with my situation.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Paul a couple questions 

what was the basis for her wanting to leave...what is the underlying reason?
is there someone else that your wife has an interest in? and don't be quick to say no...they all say no 
you realize living apart gives her the best of both worlds, and leaves her making demands?
there are a lot of guys on here that are or wore in your your shoes...listen to them...like GP 

i'm sorry your here


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can you be more specific about the nature of your issues?

I too dealt with a husband who had very poor boundaries with his ex wife and her family, so it would be helpful to know what kind of things went on. 

We were able to get past it, so maybe you can too. Knowing more would yield better advice.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

golfpanther said:


> Hi, Paul. Reading your post... very similar to my reaction and story and I'm sure many more on here would say the same.
> 
> However, your wife is showing (or has shown) you that she's open to working on it. Most of us never get that chance and would have done anything to get it.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the reply- to clarify we've done one session. I didn't want to focus on the past, but it seemed to be what we talked about, I wanted to talk about how can we "fix this" and have a timeline for you moving back together. I wanted the counselor to be on "my side" and encourage her to move back while we tried to work on things. (wishful thinking, right?) I was very emotional, so I don't recall everything. The assignment was to talk about "why I didn't see this coming". After that, we realized we didn't really have much time together to talk. she suggested we email, and I didn't understand she meant about the assignment. Then I got a little upset, when I realized that here I was trying to explain why I was "left". I felt it was a little (if not a lot) "victim blaming". (maybe that is the wrong attitude?) and said as much to her. in retrospect, that was not a helpful thing to say, and I'm now trying to rectify that whole thing. I see the value in trying to understand why I didn't see this coming, but I also don't want to get hung up on the past, I want to move forward with a clear, plan on how to do that. I do see the importance of knowing what went wrong, though in making that plan. The "why didn't i see that coming" was a little on the nose for me, and I think the phrasing of it maybe could have been different and therefore more productive.

I'm not dating- not even remotely considering the idea, she's not either, and I do trust her in that regard. 

We do get together, have sleep overs, and have had some good times. I do bring up the past myself too much, and my own suffering, and the issues that are plaugine me at the moment. 

I'm very eager to get back to living together, and I think that is the self sabotage, my eagerness, may ultimately destroy any chance of us getting back together. I'm also afraid to be to complacent. see my dilemma?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I bet she's seeing someone else. You just aren't seeing it. Hell, you didn't even see her planning a new life without you. What the hell happened for her to do that? Do you make enough money? Let your self go in the looks department? How was the sex? Was she getting her emotional and physical needs met? 

Let's get personal. 

You seem soft. Are you a beta male? Are you a doormat? Hate controversy?

Your wife planned a new life without you behind your back. A woman doesn't just do this without a valid reason. You either really neglected her and want to forget the past, which she won't. Or she found a new man and doesn't want to tell you since she knows you'll have a breakdown. When a woman has detached, she's gone. She won't come back. She lost whatever respect and love she had and isn't coming back. Gone like yesterday.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

Xenote said:


> Paul a couple questions
> 
> what was the basis for her wanting to leave...what is the underlying reason?
> is there someone else that your wife has an interest in? and don't be quick to say no...they all say no
> ...


thanks for the reply. 
That's a good question- It was just too much for her. Me taking more than I was giving. she became overwhelmed, reached her breaking point. She had nothing left to give. A blended family that was never really working. not one specific thing, lots of things, some larger then others.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> I bet she's seeing someone else. You just aren't seeing it. Hell, you didn't even see her planning a new life without you. What the hell happened for her to do that? Do you make enough money? Let your self go in the looks department? How was the sex? Was she getting her emotional and physical needs met?
> 
> Let's get personal.
> 
> ...


I'm sure she had a reason. yes, I did neglect her, and i don't want to forget the past, just don't want to live there either. 7 years together, I'm just not ready to give up. $, sex, yes, all that was and is still very good. Appreciate the reply. thanks.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

We have to ask this question. Did you cheat on your wife?

GIC may be right. Google "walkaway wife"


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> I bet she's seeing someone else. You just aren't seeing it. Hell, you didn't even see her planning a new life without you. What the hell happened for her to do that? Do you make enough money? Let your self go in the looks department? How was the sex? Was she getting her emotional and physical needs met?
> 
> Let's get personal.
> 
> ...


I do think that if you showed that you were less eager to makes things work together that she would be more willing to listen. Either way though I do think that she's made up her mind that she's done with you. She'll keep going back to the issues why she left and won't let them die. I'm not sure why you want to get back together with her. She seems cold and calculating and willing to do things behind your back. Do you really want someone like that back in your life?


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

ConfusedAlone said:


> Thanks for the reply- to clarify we've done one session. I didn't want to focus on the past, but it seemed to be what we talked about, I wanted to talk about how can we "fix this" and have a timeline for you moving back together. I wanted the counselor to be on "my side" and encourage her to move back while we tried to work on things. (wishful thinking, right?) I was very emotional, so I don't recall everything. The assignment was to talk about "why I didn't see this coming". After that, we realized we didn't really have much time together to talk. she suggested we email, and I didn't understand she meant about the assignment. Then I got a little upset, when I realized that here I was trying to explain why I was "left". I felt it was a little (if not a lot) "victim blaming". (maybe that is the wrong attitude?) and said as much to her. in retrospect, that was not a helpful thing to say, and I'm now trying to rectify that whole thing. I see the value in trying to understand why I didn't see this coming, but I also don't want to get hung up on the past, I want to move forward with a clear, plan on how to do that. I do see the importance of knowing what went wrong, though in making that plan. The "why didn't i see that coming" was a little on the nose for me, and I think the phrasing of it maybe could have been different and therefore more productive.
> 
> I'm not dating- not even remotely considering the idea, she's not either, and I do trust her in that regard.
> 
> ...


It's understandable to want things from therapy because you have a specific goal in mind. However, the only thing you should focus on in therapy is improving the relationship with your wife.

Don't get hung up on the therapist being on your side. You really shouldn't want that anyway because if your wife sniffed any bias toward you, she'd quit going altogether. For her, this isn't about fixing things, that's a very male-centric point of view (I was guilty of this too). I'd bet that for her this is more about you listening to her because she felt you haven't done that for long time.

If you want to save this you have to be empathetic and compassionate. To her, you are not the victim simply because you were the one that got left. She's the victim because you pushed her to this point. Somewhere in the middle is the truth, but she's the one that felt beaten down by the problems in your relationship and they became too much to bear.

While it may be on the nose, the question of, "Why didn't you see this coming," is valid. By being open to answering it you'll likely acquire a lot of insight into why she left. Maybe you were complacent, neglectful, comfortable, overly secure, took her for granted, didn't listen or whatever. I agree that at some point if the relationship is salvageable the focus will need to shift on the future and building a new, better, relationship, but you've had only one therapy session and as the cliche goes, "those that don't learn history are doomed to repeat it." You need to identify the mistakes that were made so you can avoid making them again.

You're absolutely right that your eagerness to get back together is sabotaging that objective. She's told you what she wants and we could debate whether that's fair, just, etc. but it's really irrelevant. Every time you bring up the past or push her to get back together you're sending the message that you're ignoring what she's told you: that she doesn't want to live together but is willing to date and go to therapy. The more you push to be reunited, ruminate on the past and your own insecurities in the moment the more you're communicating that you're 100% not ready to fully get back together with a healthier fresh start. The past is painful; why would she want to live with someone that constantly reminds her of that?

Were you honest about your eagerness to get back together in therapy? If so, what did the therapist say and how did your wife react? As other posts on here state, real change takes time. You've been separated only four months and gone to one therapy session. Your wife has no reason to believe that if she came back now anything would be different because, well, it wouldn't be.

Hopefully the two of you have another therapy session on the books. If so, go in with a different attitude and try to detach from expectations and just try to listen and communicate. Lastly, you two are having sleepovers and some good times... what does your therapist think about that continuing? I'd imagine he or she would likely think that's unwise as long as the pain of the past is so present in both your minds.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ConfusedAlone said:


> thanks for the reply.
> That's a good question- It was just too much for her. Me taking more than I was giving. she became overwhelmed, reached her breaking point. She had nothing left to give. A blended family that was never really working. not one specific thing, lots of things, some larger then others.


Let's imagine that you were frustrated with someone over and over for a few years. You finally had enough and left. Then that person only wants to talk about getting back together again, and ignore what had happened in that past. Would you be ok with that? Try to see things from her perspective, then completely change your attitude about not wanting to talk about the past.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConfusedAlone said:


> thanks for the reply.
> That's a good question- It was just too much for her. Me taking more than I was giving. she became overwhelmed, reached her breaking point. She had nothing left to give. A blended family that was never really working. not one specific thing, lots of things, some larger then others.


You are giving very vague answers which makes me think either she gave you vague reasons which means she is probably cheating. Or you don't want to give specific answers because we would be on her side. Give us an example of one of your big fights.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why are you unwilling to share more details about your issues?

Do you want to address issues or do you want sympathy?


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

As others have stated, you'll need to get specific if you want help working on the issues.

One question: how did you find out about her leaving? You said it was by accident, but that could mean a lot of things.

All in all, if the two of you are still seeing each other regularly and enjoying intimacy then you likely have a much better chance of reconciling than most of us on these boards.

Reading through your posts again, two things jumped out at me as being completely at odds with each other. You that during your therapy session you wanted to focus on the future of the relationship and not revisit the past. However, you also stated that when you spend time with your wife you DO tend to talk about the past and your own problems dealing with it.

That has to be incredibly confusing for her; that you're not willing to talk about the past with the help of a trained professional, but want to dump it on her any time you two are alone. You have to fix that disconnect.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> We have to ask this question. Did you cheat on your wife?
> 
> GIC may be right. Google "walkaway wife"


no. nothing like that at all.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

golfpanther said:


> It's understandable to want things from therapy because you have a specific goal in mind. However, the only thing you should focus on in therapy is improving the relationship with your wife.
> 
> Don't get hung up on the therapist being on your side. You really shouldn't want that anyway because if your wife sniffed any bias toward you, she'd quit going altogether. For her, this isn't about fixing things, that's a very male-centric point of view (I was guilty of this too). I'd bet that for her this is more about you listening to her because she felt you haven't done that for long time.
> 
> ...



Thank you. Yes, this is very good advice. I have always been a "fix it" now kind of person, and need to realize that If this going to work, its not going to be at my pace, its going to be at her pace. I have to admit, I was so caught up in my emotions, that I really don't think I took as much from that session as I could have. We're both suffering, and for now, she is encouraging us to continue to talk. She is the one that said she wanted to give this a go, the trying. Initially it was a permanent split and we were heading for a divorce. I don't want that, and I'm glad we're trying.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

sokillme said:


> You are giving very vague answers which makes me think either she gave you vague reasons which means she is probably cheating. Or you don't want to give specific answers because we would be on her side. Give us an example of one of your big fights.


no big fights. She was overwhelmed, and was exhausted. there was no warning. she felt she was putting to much of her energy into taking care of me, neglecting her self, and her child. She felt there was nothing left to give me.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> Let's imagine that you were frustrated with someone over and over for a few years. You finally had enough and left. Then that person only wants to talk about getting back together again, and ignore what had happened in that past. Would you be ok with that? Try to see things from her perspective, then completely change your attitude about not wanting to talk about the past.


Very good point- thank you!


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

golfpanther said:


> As others have stated, you'll need to get specific if you want help working on the issues.
> 
> One question: how did you find out about her leaving? You said it was by accident, but that could mean a lot of things.
> 
> ...


I'm really trying to be specific and open. One day, i ran into a mutual acquaintance. he said he was sorry to hear the "news". that's how I found out. I had to ask her about it, she told me she was moving out. she would have told me that weekend. I had no warning of her intention. nothing out of the ordinary was happening, that I saw.

as far as reasons i was given: "I'm Physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and have nothing left to give anyone, not you, not my kid, not even myself. I'm done". 

to illustrate the suddenness of this, we had even planned and booked a vacation only 3 weeks before this happened. 

Since this, I've learned that i did rely on her to much, always expected that she would be there, and that I never expected this would happen. I was complacent. We had a blended family, that never really blended, it was a roller coaster revolving door. There were and are constant custody disputes all initiated by my first wife, that took there toll. It was/is stressful, and I allowed it to takeover my life, and I allowed it to ruin our marriage. I'll own it, and I'll take responsibility for letting it all happen around me. I spent far to much time worrying about tomorrow, the next day, the next year, that I didn't appreciate the present. I neglected her, and I neglected what I had. 

yes, I agree with what you say about the discussion of the past, that is good advice and I hope to have the opportunity to fix that disconnect! I must be more conscious of what I say! (I am also going to put my feelings of hurt aside, since really, it does no good to dwell on that either.)

I will share that the last week that we seem to be drifting apart further. I think she may becoming more comfortable being alone, and to be honest, so am I. I hated it at first, but now i am more comfortable with it. I Have been doing a lot of reading, the power of Now is what I'm on now. I've also read a lot about Buddism, thich nhat hanh books, and similar.

I feel like I should at least give this every bit of my effort, and not just give up Others have said, here, as well as personal friends and famil, that if she left, why would you want her back? Almost no one I know personally, understands why I would want to try and make this work. That's a decision I know I have to make for myself, For many years she was by my side and helped me get through some very difficult times (I had a very serious illness that nearly cost me my life) she was there for me. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to give back some of what she gave me. 

What I need to do is:

-not fixate on the past, but only visit it to learn from it as needed 
-put aside my feelings of hurt, abandonment 
-take care of myself
-Listen
-Appreciate each day


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you chase, act needy, clingy you push them further away.

If it were me I'd check the phone bill just to make sure I knew what I was up against.

Take this time to learn to live alone. It does have its good points.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You're still vague. I don't even know you and I'm frustrated with you. I could only imagine how your wife feels. 

I second looking at her phone bill. She got her needs met by someone else and wants out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Counseling almost always starts with looking at the past to figure out how your relationship got to the point it's at. The counselor cannot help you until they have that info. You and your wife need to look at the past and figure it out. You both need to listen to what the other has to say about it.

Then, you can start looking at what needs to be fixed and how to fix it. 

If a car it taken to a mechanic, the first thing they have to do is diagnostics. Until they diagnose the problem, it cannot be fixed.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Then, you can start looking at what needs to be fixed and how to fix it.
> 
> If a car it taken to a mechanic, the first thing they have to do is diagnostics. Until they diagnose the problem, it cannot be fixed.


You have a knack for analogies.


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## ConfusedAlone (Feb 13, 2017)

Thank you all for the replies, advice and suggestions. I realize it seems like I'm being vague and elusive. I'm being open and upfront, I know its frustrating. This is what I have to work with, these are the reasons I have been given, I am frustrated too. 

We grew apart, and she walked away when she wasn't getting what she needed from me. If I had to distill it down: I was to dependent on her, didn't show enough love and affection. We didn't talk enough, and there was to much focus on our own personal lives our own kids, our own jobs, and not enough time was spent together, as a couple. No date nights, rarely dinner together. I took her for granted, that she would always be there. She felt it was easier to walk away, then to try and save it. Why save something that has no value? if its broken, why keep it? 

Right now I'm going to put myself first. Not worry about whats going to happen with "us". 

-paul


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