# I think I'm emotionally unavailable



## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

Hi. I'm new here, but this has been an ongoing issue in my life for all of my adult life. I believe that I am emotionally unavailable. This unavailability is definitely taking a toll on my my marriage, and I'm afraid that it will eventually affect my son who is very young right now. 

I desperately want to feel something with my husband...specifically love and intimacy. I don't know where to start, and we don't have the money to seek counseling (which is something I have wanted to do for years). I want to be able to actually be sexually intimate instead of just going through the motions. I want to feel empathy whe he is feeling upset about work or other issues instead of feeling nothing. My husband is a good man who has been extremely patient with me. I know he loves me, and I just want to love him back. Any advice on how to get over this emotional unavailability? Btw, this isn't just a problem I have with my husband. I am pretty much emotionally unavailable to everyone except my son. He's the only person I feel actual feelings of love, care, admiration, and respect.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I am pretty much emotionally unavailable to everyone except my son. He's the only person I feel actual feelings of love, care, admiration, and respect.


Why do you choose to give to him but no one else? 

And it does look like you're choosing this rather than it choosing you. If you can give to one, you can give to many.


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## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

I know that I'm choosing. I guess it's just so habitual at this point that I don't know how to reverse it. My best guess at why I give love to my son is that I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me at this point. Also, I keep reminding myself that I don't want to be like my mother which is what motivates me to remain open with him. I grew up in a pretty disfunctional family, and I'm always afraid that people I love will hurt me or leave me. My mother was extremely emotionally abusive and, to this day, believes that she is entitled to call me names and criticize everything I do. 

As for my the relationship with my husband, I felt true passionate love for my husband when we first met, but slowly over time it dissipated. I feel the huge walls that I've created around me. My defense mechanisms are extremely strong. Even when tramatic stuff happens (ex: death in the family), I feel very little. I feel almost disconnected from things.....like I'm looking at it from outside my body....like I'm watching a movie. It scares me to think that I've created this monster in me....and I don't know how to tear down my walls and open up my emotions again.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It sounds like you have a fear of abandonment, so you entrust your emotional self to you son, knowing he is reliant on you and can't leave you.

I would consider at least a few sessions of counseling for yourself - it really might change your life.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I hate to break it to you, but as a mother of 2 grown children, you'll come to find out they can hurt you worse than anyone EVER could.

You have to choose to love. That's just it. Every day, choose to get closer to your husband in some way. It can be something phyisical like a hug or a kiss, or something material like making his favorite meal or buying him a gift. If you want to be reached, you have to be willing to reach out first.

If you don't stop this you'll become one of those old lady's who lives with 100 cats that nobody visits. You don't want that do you?

Some counseling could help you too. Even a pet. I know for a fact that having a puppy really can get to you.  I love my schoodle!!


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## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

I really do want counseling. Actually, I studied Psychology, got my B.A. in it, and coached life and mental health courses at a day treatment center. When I'm helping others, I actually do pretty well. With myself, my thoughts and feelings are so muddled that I don't know what I'm doing. I've looked for resources for discounted counseling, but we live on a very tight budget. I've mentioned it to my husband before, but he thinks I can get over my issues without counseling. I already have a dog, and I do try very hard to do physical things and nice things for him. I do them often....like several times a week....I just don't feel anything when I'm doing them. My husband will tell you that I show him love just not intimacy during sex. He just doesn't know that I feel lack of emotion pretty much all of the time. I'm afraid to tell him with the fear that I'll hurt him.


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

You can learn to change you behavior. Your feeling will come after.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi, Pel29. I'm really sorry you're having trouble opening up to your husband emotionally, and that you're feeling disconnected in your marriage and other areas of your life. My heart went out to you as you described your difficult childhood. I'm praying for you! 

You mentioned that you would like to receive counseling, but have been unable to afford it. I work at Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization, and they offer free counseling over the phone. You might also find it helpful to visit the marriage area of their website.

It sounds like your husband is a very patient and caring man - that's so wonderful to hear. I really hope things improve for you soon. God bless you!


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## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

MiriRose....thank you for the resource. I actually cried when I read your post....guess b/c I'm feeling a little bit of hope. I didn't realize that there was counseling over the phone. I really do want to change. I want to feel again. I don't want to be this sort of example to my child. Most of all, I want my husband to have the sort of wife he deserves.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

pel29 said:


> I've mentioned it to my husband before, but he thinks I can get over my issues without counseling.


This isn't HIS life it's yours.

What is he afraid of? Or is it simply a money worry?


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## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

I think it's mostly about money. If we tried hard enough, we could move our budget around and maybe (operative word here) swing it...but we'd literally have no money for anything else. I know that my husband is also dealing with his own issues right now (work-related stress), so I can't ask him to give up everything for me to get counseling. I'm a stay at home mom by the way....so we live on 1 income.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

You should read the book "Love is a choice".


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

pel29 said:


> I think it's mostly about money. If we tried hard enough, we could move our budget around and maybe (operative word here) swing it...but we'd literally have no money for anything else. I know that my husband is also dealing with his own issues right now (work-related stress), so I can't ask him to give up everything for me to get counseling. I'm a stay at home mom by the way....so we live on 1 income.


I'm in counseling now myself and living on one income. My insurance covers most of it. Do you have that option? Some therapists also do sliding scale if your income is low enough.


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## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm not sure if our insurance covers counseling, but I'm definitely going to take a look. If they could cover some of it, there may be a good chance that we could afford it. Thank you.


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## dardarla (Apr 3, 2012)

If you can't afford counselling, maybe find a sounding board- someone you can bounce ideas off. They might be able to help you make realizations about yourself. Maybe check online and see if you can find support groups or womens groups in your area? Not sure what types of groups these could be- it would depend on your personal history.

If you want to talk in-depth about your issues to your husband- be sure to clarify that whatever negative emotions come up have nothing to do with him and that he doesn't need to 'fix' any of these problems- he just needs to listen, ask questions and be empathetic.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Definitely get some help for this. You could even go to your ilbrary to pick up some books.

You will drive people away from you by behaving this way. It is an active choice you are making to block people from you. That is not good or healthy.

One day your husband may realize he deserves more and leave you. 

It's emotionally stonewalling someone, what you are doing.

The part about you having no feelings--sounds a little sociopathic.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> The part about you having no feelings--sounds a little sociopathic.


She has feelings - she just can't access them.

I'm familiar with the concept.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, she can access them if she has them. She just chooses not to.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> No, she can access them if she has them. She just chooses not to.


Depends on the why she chooses not to. For me it was ptsd from an abusive childhood. I never felt 'safe' to access my feelings so I couldn't/wouldn't. I was too scared.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But she said she can access feelings for her son so she it's a choice she is making.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> But she said she can access feelings for her son so she it's a choice she is making.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So could I because my kids were 'safe'. My husband? Not so much.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

pel29 said:


> MiriRose....thank you for the resource. I actually cried when I read your post....guess b/c I'm feeling a little bit of hope. I didn't realize that there was counseling over the phone. I really do want to change. I want to feel again. I don't want to be this sort of example to my child. Most of all, I want my husband to have the sort of wife he deserves.


Hi pel ~

There's actually a LOT of hope ... because you have taken the critical first step that many, many people never ever do. You've acknowledged that you have a problem and are willing to try and do something about it.

Super big KUDOS to you! :smthumbup:

I know that "where there's a will, there's a way" probably seems like a big cliche, but it's really true, pel. If you want to badly enough you will find a way to get the help that you want and need.

Definitely check out your husband's insurance coverage and whether they may have an employee assistance program (which is often available to spouse's as well). Also start looking in to free or reduced fee counseling services or even support groups in your area (google and start to call around for recommendations, ideas, and resources) and check out resources and literature that may be available for you to read online.

Good look on your quest and in your journey. 

Best wishes.


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## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

Yes. Not accessing feelings is a choice.....but it's not always a conscious choice. I wasn't aware that I was building walls until it was too late. Now, I don't really know how to open up unless it's with someone I feel won't hurt me. At this point, the only person I feel that way about is my son. It's almost like a quick reaction when someone tries to get close to me. For example, my husband will try to hug me and my reaction is to move in the other direction. I have to force myself to stay there. I also experience shortness in breath when I feel there is too much intimacy going on. 

The reason I started muting my feelings to begin with started with my parents. They (especially my mother) were emotionally abusive starting as a toddler. My mother would, on a daily basis, tell me that I was fat, stupid, and incapable of doing anything right. She let me know that I made her life difficult by my existence. She would also say things like, "You would be pretty if you weren't fat." Well, I started binging and purging to lose weight. My mistake thinking that would make her think I was good enough. I was a size 1, and she still said I was fat. My father wasn't as bad. He would make jokes about how I should take diet pills to lose weight and how I wasn't very smart...but the comments were always in joke form. My parents rarely hugged me or told me they love me....only when something tragic happened like someone they knew died. My mother would rant on to her friends that I was a horrible daughter. My father was a super doormat when it came to her. She would try to physically fight me when I expressed feelings of sadness or disappointment. My father cheated on my mother. They both brought me in the middle of this affair. My father would tell me how crazy my mother was. My mother would cry and tell me how my father was a deadbeat....I was 16 years old when this happened. I wasn't equipped to deal with these sorts of issues....especially with my own parents.

My husband knows my background, and he knows my parents and how mean they can be to me. He's patient with me, because he knows what I am capable of. He has known me for a very long time. I used to be an extremely loving and sensitive person. I couldn't watch a kid's cartoon without crying when some sentimental stuff came on. After all of the stuff with my parents and some other things that happened through the years, I just closed off so I could stop the feelings of sadness. 

I hope this clarifies why I'm in this emotional state. I want to go back to who I used to be, and I know that I can. I just came here to get a little help in a time that feels so overwhelming. Actually, today I felt better after posting on here. I actually laughed with my husband today. I'm guessing it's that I feel there is some hope...even if it will take a lot of work on my part.


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## pel29 (Apr 3, 2012)

Thank you for all of the input. I truly appreciate your help.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

I can relate to a lot of what you originally posted. Intimacy with my husband plummeted after we had our first child and it hasn't really recovered. I don't feel much desire like I used to. It's an issue with us and I fear it's driving him to find love elsewhere. Anyway, I realize it could also be a medical issue so perhaps we need a doctor's advice?


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