# friends only or hope?



## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi
Been separated from husband for far too many months now-we're talking a lot on the phone and see each other every so often to hang out. I just can't work out if he's thinking that we're managing to stay very amicable or whether he's hoping to reconcile and wants to take things slowly etc??

Quick summary-at the beginning i just took the blame for everything as thought it would help things blow over but unfortunately it's cemented in his head that everything is my fault. there was no one event-we were in a rut and reacting to one another and things went quickly downhill but somehow i'm taking the fall for everything. We've not really spoken about things that happened except when he was saying we were over as been trying show him that we can rebuild and going over and over things not going to help.

Anyway, he's moved into his own rental place but recently been speaking for hours on the phone most days and have seen each other every now and again. Problem is that the majority of the time on the phone it feels normal...but then every so often he'll say something that makes it sound as if he's got no plans at all of reconciling ie talking about furniture he might buy in the future etc. I can't help getting my hopes up and it just feels like i'm being punched in the stomach each time he says something like that. Do you think he's thinking of me just as a friend now or if there's hope of reconciling??


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a hard one.

Perhaps you could give is a set period of time... say 2 months (or whatever you are comfortable with). After that time if he has not mentioned getting back together just out right ask him what his intentions are. 

Make sure that you do not have sex with him until he re-commits.

If after the end of the 'trial' period he does not want to get together start interacting with him according to the 180 in my signature block below.


----------



## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

thanks for the response-think will try that. Going to have to try and talk to him properly at some point just difficult to balance it between trying to rebuild and leaving potentially damaging wrong impressions unresolved. In the meantime going to have to try and just ignore the hurtful references to our home as my home and other mentions of the future where he's speaking about our futures as being two separate paths!!


----------



## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

My ex who is divorcing me and seeing someone else now wants to be friends, but i think this is just to lessen her guilt
I have to keep telling myself there is no hope


----------



## jumanji (Aug 25, 2012)

That's my fear that it's just to lessen the guilt. I also think that blaming me for everything was for the same reason as half the things he's thrown at me are things that he did and i somehow ended up apologising for them!! 
Hope you're bearing up-unfortunately i know exactly how hard everything that you're going through is.


----------



## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

jumanji said:


> That's my fear that it's just to lessen the guilt. I also think that blaming me for everything was for the same reason as half the things he's thrown at me are things that he did and i somehow ended up apologising for them!!
> Hope you're bearing up-unfortunately i know exactly how hard everything that you're going through is.


This sounds just li8ke my situ

Prob is im a sucker


----------



## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

never friends - its all lies


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

In my wifes case she was in the fog of the MLC. I was the problem, not her head. In her eyes, for monthes, there was no hope and she was convinced it was over, but kept the thread attached. 

I gave her 4 months then said we need to move one way or another. I was done with limboland. It started moving towards divorce then she broke down and claimed she feared she would love me forever. 

Could this be an MLC? If so, patience is required if you want to save the marriage.


----------



## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

txtd her to say i know about her bf , but ill still bring the kids upo to love her n respect her - her reply i need grwo up n i havent changed, shes so glad she didnt take a chance on me


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

How can he miss you if he gets to talk to you and see you regularly?

Start by not getting the phone as often. When he calls tell him you are going out with friends and sound excited about it (a white lie). 

I'm not saying to never talk to him. Just that it would pay to talk to him much less. 

He probably likes the fact that you are taking his guilt away by seeming friendly. Also he gets to blame you for the marriage breakdown, and by being so darn nice with him it's almost like you accept fault and don't hold him accountable. If that makes any sense.


----------



## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

i done the same thing for too long i said sorry for everything even when i didnt mean it. just for a easy life. it ended up me being wifeless and seeing my son only on the weekends. please stand up and say what you feel. life is too short and you will regret it big time in the future.


----------



## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

tonynw said:


> i done the same thing for too long i said sorry for everything even when i didnt mean it. just for a easy life. it ended up me being wifeless and seeing my son only on the weekends. please stand up and say what you feel. life is too short and you will regret it big time in the future.


Think your right - just everytime i do stand up to her and tell her as i see it, my life get harder for a spell after.
We have absolutely no trust in each other - its hard to believe after 13years togther n 3 kids and all the **** we have been through together.
We are at a point were she wont even let me have her number


----------

