# Is sex affection?



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

My wife and I are going through a lot of emotional issues right now. One of which is dealing with sex vs. affection. She says that it seems like I only show affection when I want sex. I want more sex than she does for sure. She will sometimes say no and other times give me a "ugh...ok let's do it" kind of attitude. It mostly seems like it's a chore to her. I don't just want sex. I want passionate sex. I want to feel the love and affection that I associate with married sex. I don't want the "go through the motions" kind of sex.

She says we have different views on sex and that she doesn't see it as affection. Do you think it is affection? If not, how would you describe it in a committed relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If she is saying she wants sex without affection, then you probably are not giving her enough non-sexual affection. Many women will make the same complaint. It feels like, you don't like me unless you want me to have sex with you. That may not seem logical to you, but again, if she's saying it, you should really listen.

It sounds like you could benefit from some relationship books, because the problem as you describe it is covered in many of them.

Start with The Five Love Languages.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

She is saying that she just doesn't want sex as often as I do and that there are going to be times when I just have to take what she gives when she isn't into it. I'm fine with that...I guess.

Yes, 100% she has stated that she feels that I don't show affection unless I'm trying to have sex. There is probably some truth to that and I working on it, but still confused about what sex is if not affection.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you honestly confused about her wanting more affection, but not sex?

I mean, separately from sex, do you not want hugs and kisses? You don't cuddle her in the morning before getting out of bed, with no sex on your mind? You don't ever scoop her into your arms and kiss her deeply, unless you plan to move toward sex? You don't hold hands at the movies and lightly stroke the skin on her wrist, just because it is so beautiful?

I do not have sex every day, but we have a lot of affection every day. Even sexual affection, but not sex. That means, we might make out and mash...but not have sex. He plays with my boobs several times a day, but we don't have sex. But we also gently touch each other, hug, kiss, and have non-sexual affection every day.

Do you see what I mean?

If you really only want affection to get sex, she is asking you to change that and be affectionate without sex.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sex is not affection. Sex is affectionate, but can't serve as the sole source and symbol of affection.

I had the same complaints against my H for years until he finally got it.

Hold hands, hug her often, kiss her oftener! Gaze into her eyes, caress her cheek, rub her arm, give her a back scratch. You should be doing these kind of things through out every single damn day.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

No, I totally get that she needs the non sexual affection. I do too. I get our disconnect in the amount we both need of each. What I am confused by is that she doesnt see sex as affection at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Neither so I. Sex is sex.

Everyone defines affection differently. Unless you have very tender, very sweet loving sex. But you're looking for hot passionate sex.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Yes, I'm looking for passionate sex. Sex with emotion. When I don't receive that kind of sex, again it feels like a chore for her. That is what I do not want. And again, I understand that I may not be giving her all of the hugs and sweet non sexual affection she needs. I'm working on that. There is a cycle of her needs not being met and my needs not being met. I know one affects the other and visa versa. My big question is will she find the passion when her needs are met, or is this just how she sees sex and that's the way it will be?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well, that's not something anyone can predict.

My best suggestion would be to explain this to her AFTER you have become MUCH more affectionate with sweet, tender and loving touches that have nothing to do with sex.

She may be a tad resentful that you only touch her when you want sex, yes it know you're working on it. She may have got it in her mind that you are only doing this for her, so that she will do for you. Which ties into mistrust and resentment.

So, for the next month or longer, caress her check then tuck her hair behind her ear. Hold hand every time you think of it. Be super affectionate than ask her if she feels you give her enough affection. The. Ask her if the affection she gets from you, make her feel your love for her. 

If she says yes, then you can gently explain that for you, feeling her passion during sex is how you feel her love for you. Explain that her passionate response during sex, her enthusiasm to have sex with you means you feel loved by her. Explain that you need this, just as she needs your no sexual affection.

Engage in dialogue. You may have different ideas and that's okay. This is about understanding each other and understanding how you each can best meet one another's needs.

And read the book Faithful Wife suggested with your wife. When things are written in a book, we tend to give them more weight and authority. Seems unfair.... But it works.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

And by the way, she THINKS I only give affection when I want sex. That's not to say its true. I'm sure I don't give as much as she'd like. I know the feeling.

Thanks for the input. It's nice to be able let this breathe a bit if you know what I mean


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Pick up the book _His Needs, Her Needs _by Willard Harley. It may clarify some things for you. Try to get your wife to read it as well, both of you read it together if possible, and talk over the end of chapter questions together.

By the way, your wife is not "wrong" for thinking that sex and affection are not the same thing, so don't make the mistake of trying to correct her "wrong-headedness" about that. Neither are you "wrong" for thinking they are. The way men and women view sex and affection are often different, but can be complimentary rather than at odds if both of you are willing to learn and understand one another.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

There are other kinds of affection as well, that are not physical. Doing nice things for her. Doing something for her that she dislikes to do. 

The Love Languages book get tossed about to an annoying degree- but there is some truth to it. I show affection and love through acts of service for people. However, I receive love and affection through quality time. When my H gives me his full attention or wants to spend time with only me - that makes me feel loved. 

Fortunately it works out well that he receives love as acts of service, and that is how I show love. So things are good on that end. 

You may very well show love and affection in physical touch. So, to you, you are saying to your wife you love her when you want to be physically intimate.

However, she obviously does not receive love in this way. Her love language is something else. It would be good to find out what it is. If she feels love and affection in the way she interprets it - you are much more likely to get it back in a way that means love to you. (Physical affection.) 

Something is obviously amiss. Because she is not receiving love in the language she speaks she likely feels you only need her for sex and she is nothing more than a hole to you. 

Of course you say this isn't true, and I believe you, but she doesn't. That's obviously the problem.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sex certainly can be a way to express affection. It can also be aggression, dominance, or simply lust. Affection that includes sex as one component usually has expression long before and after sex itself, and to be seen as sincere affection should not have a sexual component (e.g. a hug or affectionate kiss vs. a grope and passionate kiss).


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

That could well be true that she is not getting enough nonsexual affection but it is also a possibility that she is simply LD and will have a very hard time ever liking sex as much as you and ever being really passionate.

But providing her enough affection in the way she wants it is good to try and will make her feel as good about sex as she can. 

You two probably have a mismatched sexuality (common) and will have to work to find a mutually good compromise.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Sex is not affection. Sex is affectionate, but can't serve as the sole source and symbol of affection.


Oh, poppy****. It sure as hell is affection. You may be wise beyond your gender, Anon, but perhaps this is one that requires a penis to understand.

No argument with the "sole source" position.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Rowan said:


> By the way, your wife is not "wrong" for thinking that sex and affection are not the same thing, so don't make the mistake of trying to correct her "wrong-headedness" about that.


I don't think she is wrong. I just can't get her to describe what it is to her and that is confusing.

Thanks again for everyone's input. I've received several book suggestions and will be diving into those asap.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Those porn stars, they love each other SO much.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> That could well be true that she is not getting enough nonsexual affection but it is also a possibility that she is simply LD and will have a very hard time ever liking sex as much as you and ever being really passionate.
> 
> But providing her enough affection in the way she wants it is good to try and will make her feel as good about sex as she can.


I'm new to this stuff, so pardon me, but what does LD mean?

It is certainly clear that I am not giving her enough of what she needs, but I also wonder how much of the time when I am actually giving non-sexual affection is she mistaking it for me just trying to get some? There are plenty of times when I come home and she'll be in the middle of something and I'll come up behind her give her a hug and a little kissing on the neck. At times, this same form of affection could be used for an attempt to move into sex, but not always. How does a woman in this frame of mind differentiate a man just putting on some moves from showing actual affection.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Those porn stars, they love each other SO much.


They sure do show a lot of "affection"


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

How much control does she have over when you guys have sex vs. how much she gives in to sex when you put the moves on her?

It may be that she feels she has no control over sex, that she does it much more than she would like. 

If she had all the power and you guys only had sex when she wanted to have sex - the rest of your affectionate gestures would seem as you intend them. 

In her mind, a hug or kiss translates into warming her up for later, which likely puts her on the defensive. If she doesn't feel like having sex, she's going to put the cold shoulder on immediately so things don't go farther. You might have meant it as a kiss- to her it was the start of foreplay.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I think sex is affection...... its showing your partner affection.

You could have sex, when you make love its full of affection, well it is for us... the word affection..... showing love, closeness, care, showing feeling your warmth.... you do all this when your making love, if you don't you have a problem .

But you also must show your partner affection in everyday life too, not just when your in bed.

The UGH, part is in regards to sex is a total no no for me, makes the person feel total deflated, and unwanted.

You need to be affectionate in all areas, randomly giving her kiss and cuddles here and there, holding her hand etc, and not just in the bedroom.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> How much control does she have over when you guys have sex vs. how much she gives in to sex when you put the moves on her?
> 
> It may be that she feels she has no control over sex, that she does it much more than she would like.


I'd say she has the majority of the control. I ask, she says yes or no. I "make a move" and she responds positively or doesn't. When she doesn't, I'm not pushing. 




MissScarlett said:


> If she had all the power and you guys only had sex when she wanted to have sex - the rest of your affectionate gestures would seem as you intend them.


She may well have been having sex more than she'd like. Probably likely. I like where you're going with this, but what if she decides she wants sex a few times a year? Then the resentment flips and I'm now bitter that we only have sex when she decides. I'll be waiting with baited breath for the moment. Hoping that soon she will want me. Of course I'm going worst case here, but there is always that possibility. 



MissScarlett said:


> In her mind, a hug or kiss translates into warming her up for later, which likely puts her on the defensive. If she doesn't feel like having sex, she's going to put the cold shoulder on immediately so things don't go farther. You might have meant it as a kiss- to her it was the start of foreplay.


EXACTLY right. This begins an awful cycle. I give the affection she craves, she takes it as warming her up, she gives a cold shoulder, I stop giving the affection she needs, she feels distant and doesn't want sex. Sigh...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

HCH said:


> I don't think she is wrong. I just can't get her to describe what it is to her and that is confusing.


It's sex. What do you want her to describe? For your wife, sex is sex and affection is non-sexual affection. So sex doesn't meet her need for affection, any more than hugs and holding hands would meet your need for sex. 

If you are trying to understand what kinds of non-sexual affection your wife wants more of, ask her to make a list for you. Try to work those things into your daily routine as much as possible. It may even be helpful for the two of you to agree to schedule sex for a while. You may find it easier to be non-sexually affectionate with her if you know that you will get to have sex on Tuesday and Friday (or whenever). She may find it easier to see that your affection isn't a bid for sex if she knows that sex will only be expected (for now, while you're both working on the marriage) on the scheduled night or nights. The trick there being that you will have to be affectionate on days _other than_ sex days, and she will have to be _at least agreeable _about having sex on those days. It might take some of the pressure off both of you during this rebuilding phase.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

HCH said:


> She may well have been having sex more than she'd like. Probably likely. I like where you're going with this, but what if she decides she wants sex a few times a year? Then the resentment flips and I'm now bitter that we only have sex when she decides. I'll be waiting with baited breath for the moment. Hoping that soon she will want me. Of course I'm going worst case here, but there is always that possibility.


Absolutely - this would be my concern as well in my own marriage, that turning over some of the power would result in no sex. 

It seems that perhaps you two are polarized. She feels that giving you control will result in daily sex. You feel that giving her control will result in no sex. 

Certainly there is some middle ground that both of you can live with? 

I wonder if she hates tell you no - but also doesn't feel like sex - so she tries to kill the thing before it gets to rejection. What she likely doesn't understand is that this is also rejection as far as you are concerned. I'm sure over time this has eroded your self esteem significantly. I know it has mine and I don't get rejected all that often. It only takes a few times to start believing you are unlovable, though. 

As per my Love Language post - are there perhaps things this week that you could focus on doing for her that are not sexual or even physical? If her cup is full she is much more likely to show kindness to you as well.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

My wife, who is much wiser than me, got through to my male simple-minded instincts by telling me that I should consider every show of affection--which doesn't have to be touching--is foreplay, maybe not for tonight but for tomorrow or the next day. But maybe that's just her.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I don't want to thread jack here, and I think this question might be relevent to the OP. 

What if you are giving non-sexual affection, but you get arroused. My GF and I kiss, hug, hold hands, and touch all the time. Most of the time it's purely non sexual, but I still get a partial erection at least. I can't help it. I get hard just from her coming to bed and laying next to me. So, say if we're in the kitchen and I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her and nuzzle into her hair, but if she feels me getting hard, do you think she interprets that as a sexual move?

It's hard to give "non sexual" affection when you're always up for sex.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Rowan said:


> It's sex. What do you want her to describe? For your wife, sex is sex and affection is non-sexual affection. So sex doesn't meet her need for affection, any more than hugs and holding hands would meet your need for sex.
> 
> If you are trying to understand what kinds of non-sexual affection your wife wants more of, ask her to make a list for you. Try to work those things into your daily routine as much as possible. It may even be helpful for the two of you to agree to schedule sex for a while. You may find it easier to be non-sexually affectionate with her if you know that you will get to have sex on Tuesday and Friday (or whenever). She may find it easier to see that your affection isn't a bid for sex if she knows that sex will only be expected (for now, while you're both working on the marriage) on the scheduled night or nights. The trick there being that you will have to be affectionate on days _other than_ sex days, and she will have to be _at least agreeable _about having sex on those days. It might take some of the pressure off both of you during this rebuilding phase.


That's good stuff Rowan. Thanks for the advice/opinions.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> What if you are giving non-sexual affection, but you get arroused. My GF and I kiss, hug, hold hands, and touch all the time. Most of the time it's purely non sexual, but I still get a partial erection at least. I can't help it. I get hard just from her coming to bed and laying next to me. So, say if we're in the kitchen and I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her and nuzzle into her hair, but if she feels me getting hard, do you think she interprets that as a sexual move?
> 
> It's hard to give "non sexual" affection when you're always up for sex.


I hadnt thought of that, but this is very true here as well. Maybe not as much as in your case, but that is the case nonetheless.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> I don't want to thread jack here, and I think this question might be relevent to the OP.
> 
> What if you are giving non-sexual affection, but you get arroused. My GF and I kiss, hug, hold hands, and touch all the time. Most of the time it's purely non sexual, but I still get a partial erection at least. I can't help it. I get hard just from her coming to bed and laying next to me. So, say if we're in the kitchen and I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her and nuzzle into her hair, but if she feels me getting hard, do you think she interprets that as a sexual move?
> 
> It's hard to give "non sexual" affection when you're always up for sex.


DING DING DING!!

i think you hit the nail on the head. the way i described it to my wife...

its not that i only show affection when i want sex. the truth is, i LOVE the nonsexual intimacy so much that it actually turns me on. thats why i WILL pull back if i know that there is no way i will be having sex. i dont want to get turned on, feel rejected, build resentment, etc.

her having sex with me is a way for her to tell me that its ok to be who i am. its ok to show and get turned on by affection. its ok to love her touch THAT much. 

truth is, back when out sex life sucked, i would have gladly turned off my sex drive. it would have allowed me to feel intimate with my wife without getting hurt.
but, thats not possible for me.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I'm going to give you some advice that may not be popular but here it is. 

First, disconnect the emotional hose from your wife. Stop attaching your needs to her outcomes. If you want her to have wild passionate sex, well you have to put the work in. Every woman has it in them to be a wanton slût. Look at how many threads are here about WW and hubby is like "she never did that for me!" But you can't base your needs on her emotional states. 

First step, you have to up your game. Foreplay starts days before the deed. Women will tell you they want things like, help around the house and folded laundry, but what they won't tell you is they crave game. They want a bad boy. Someone who is alpha. Are you in shape? Do you lead in the home? Do you make her feel secure? These are the things that make women act all wonton. 

One tip, when your wife does give you pity sex. Take it. Bang her like a barn door in a tornado. Then tell her the whole time how great she makes you feel. If she turns you down act like "cool. I'm going to go have a beer then". Put sex on your terms. Don't let her say yes to it, only let her decide to not have sex. 

Read married man sex primer. Change my life.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> I don't want to thread jack here, and I think this question might be relevent to the OP.
> 
> What if you are giving non-sexual affection, but you get arroused. My GF and I kiss, hug, hold hands, and touch all the time. Most of the time it's purely non sexual, but I still get a partial erection at least. I can't help it. I get hard just from her coming to bed and laying next to me. So, say if we're in the kitchen and I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her and nuzzle into her hair, but if she feels me getting hard, *do you think she interprets that as a sexual move?*
> It's hard to give "non sexual" affection when you're always up for sex.


Depends. Most wives know that their husbands are very sexual, so I think her interpretation will depend on how you handle things in this situation. If you can be affectionate and then walk away, even with an erection, then she knows it's not about sex right then. It's about affection, which for many women creates the environment for sex later. If, however, you being hard means that you then expect her to do something about it right then, and act pissy if sex is not immediately in the offing, then she will interpret it as a sexual move. Because it clearly is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

U.E. McGill said:


> One tip, when your wife does give you pity sex. *Take it. Bang her like a barn door in a tornado. Then tell her the whole time how great she makes you feel.* If she turns you down act like "cool. I'm going to go have a beer then". Put sex on your terms. Don't let her say yes to it, only let her decide to not have sex.


I think that's very good, esp. the part about affirming her. Affirming her is very, very good.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HCH,
This can be a really great part of your marriage. It's a big part of mine.

Learn how to give your W high quality non sexual affection. 
- Long full body hugs with no groping or a$$ grabbing 
- Some amount of spooning while you watch tv

The way you get good at doing this is by paying attention to what she likes. And you make it 'all about her'. 

What might or might not happen is that sometimes when you are hugging, she may turn it into something more. But enjoy it for what it is. 






HCH said:


> My wife and I are going through a lot of emotional issues right now. One of which is dealing with sex vs. affection. She says that it seems like I only show affection when I want sex. I want more sex than she does for sure. She will sometimes say no and other times give me a "ugh...ok let's do it" kind of attitude. It mostly seems like it's a chore to her. I don't just want sex. I want passionate sex. I want to feel the love and affection that I associate with married sex. I don't want the "go through the motions" kind of sex.
> 
> She says we have different views on sex and that she doesn't see it as affection. Do you think it is affection? If not, how would you describe it in a committed relationship.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Depends. Most wives know that their husbands are very sexual, so I think her interpretation will depend on how you handle things in this situation. If you can be affectionate and then walk away, even with an erection, then she knows it's not about sex right then. It's about affection, which for many women creates the environment for sex later. If, however, you being hard means that you then expect her to do something about it right then, and act pissy if sex is not immediately in the offing, then she will interpret it as a sexual move. Because it clearly is.


Yeah, no problems if it doesn't lead to sex then or even that day. And usually she'll comment on it or touch it, so I guess she's ok with it. She will also do random penis grabs at times. She's awesome like that.  

I just never want her to feel like that's all I'm after.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> it is also a possibility that she is simply LD and will have a very hard time ever liking sex as much as you and ever being really passionate.
> 
> You two probably have a mismatched sexuality (common) and will have to work to find a mutually good compromise.


I agree. To you, sex is a way to express your love to her and having sex with her means that you are having that special emotional and physical bond with her. On the other hand, your wife already knows she loves you and you love her and she doesn't really need to have sex to "confirm" these feelings.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

HCH said:


> I'm new to this stuff, so pardon me, but what does LD mean?
> 
> It is certainly clear that I am not giving her enough of what she needs, but I also wonder how much of the time when I am actually giving non-sexual affection is she mistaking it for me just trying to get some? There are plenty of times when I come home and she'll be in the middle of something and I'll come up behind her give her a hug and a little kissing on the neck. At times, this same form of affection could be used for an attempt to move into sex, but not always. How does a woman in this frame of mind differentiate a man just putting on some moves from showing actual affection.


Be affectionate when there is zero possibility to have sex. Hold her hand when you are out sometimes, when it feels natural. If you are in a crowd and you don't want to lose each other hold her hand to keep her close. 

Guide her gently by putting your arm around her waist. Let say you are crossing the street and the light is about to change, put you arm around her waist and hurry. You are at a party or club, stand close to her touching her lightly. 

Act protective, where appropriate. When you are at a gathering, look around for her like you are keeping an eye out for her. If your eyes meet, smile. 

I'll bet you were affectionate when you were first dating. Be that person again but don't go overboard. Do what is comfortable and not forced. . Just pay attention. Not constantly but just don't let her feel like she has become background noise.

It is natural for that to happen. I'll bet she takes you for granted because you are always there. Change up every now and then. 

Dont do this all at once make gradual changes. Start with the holding thing to keep up with each other. Then add looking for her in a crowded room.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Its a BS answer OP. Ignore it. You can give her all the affection and romance in the world and you still won't get the amount of sex you crave. Good luck.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

In my relationship, I am the one who had to learn to control my sex drive, even while he was literally torturing me (not on purpose) with his sexiness, his body, and with sexual affection. He likes to have a high level of sexual affection (like daily) but not sex daily. But I could easily do sex daily, especially in the beginning of our relationship. So I was always the one who had to get control of my very strong sexual urges and not pounce him for sex every time we were making out, mashing, or just being generally flirty and fun.

He is always in control of his body, it doesn't control him. I had to learn control over mine...and he is still much better at it than I am. Like, I can barely keep myself off of him. I want to be on his head, climbing him like a tree, all the time. Just the sight of him makes me want to pounce. And then that makes me horny, if he lets me do it.

Meanwhile, he can grab and grope me, make out with me, and generally take any pleasure he wants along those lines...but keeps it in the sexual affection zone, not intending to go toward sex. Since his intention is just to cop a feel, he doesn't go further than that typically. He goes for sex when he wants to and not spontaneously just because we were making out (though exceptions do occur). 

Whereas me, we start making out and I automatically start wanting to initiate sex...by climbing on him. He typically just tells me to "behave".

Anyway...the point is...sometimes you just have to understand that your raging sex drive isn't their problem. In my case, I do get enough sex, sexual affection, and non-sexual affection to be happy. Yet I have always had a little too much sex drive and that part isn't his to deal with, it is mine (since I am getting enough, I can't complain about the "more" I want).


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"So, say if we're in the kitchen and I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her and nuzzle into her hair, but if she feels me getting hard, do you think she interprets that as a sexual move?"

If you are pressing it against her because it feels good and you want to show her you are horny than yes it is a sexual move. Otherwise how would she know unless she normally feels you up?

If you are behaving like a dog and trying to hump her leg all the time she may not consider that affection.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Rowan said:


> I ... You may find it easier to be non-sexually affectionate with her if you know that you will get to have sex on Tuesday and Friday (or whenever). She may find it easier to see that your affection isn't a bid for sex if she knows that sex will only be expected (for now, while you're both working on the marriage) on the scheduled night or nights. ...


I read an article about exactly this just recently. OP - is your wife affectionate towards you in a non sexual way. "Love Language Physical Touch" said that wives who crave affection often refrain from initiating hugging, kissing their H because he'll assume it's a come on for sex. So if she is affectionate with you, how do you respond? 

If she is hesitant about being touchy feely with you then scheduling as described is probably well worth a try.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Advocado said:


> If she is hesitant about being touchy feely with you then scheduling as described is probably well worth a try.



just figured i would chime in on this.

my wife and i did it, and it helped. i made it a point on off days to show her how i feel about her through my touch. i also made it a point of telling her that i do not expect sex, i just want to show her i love her.

scheduling definitely helped during the transition period from once a month or less to...

damn near every day. off days are when we both say we are too tired, and they arent very often.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Its a BS answer OP. Ignore it. You can give her all the affection and romance in the world and you still won't get the amount of sex you crave. Good luck.


Oh no! Sinnister that is sad but I am sure very true. 

Not in all cases, I certainly give DH more sex about 4 times a week with BJ's as fore or end play than he naturally gives me affection. I have learned to "take" my affection from him. For instance I will snuggle up to him on the couch and hold his hand/I will ask for a massage/hug and kiss on him when he comes home. I know he is a guy and thinks differently. He doesn't mean to NOT give me as much affection at all. He just does not need it like I do.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> If you are pressing it against her because it feels good and you want to show her you are horny than yes it is a sexual move. Otherwise how would she know unless she normally feels you up?
> 
> If you are behaving like a dog and trying to hump her leg all the time she may not consider that affection.


No I don't press it into her or even try to draw attention to the fact. No leg humping. She feels it I guess, or she'll look at my crotch, or she'll feel me up


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

As'laDain said:


> just figured i would chime in on this.
> 
> my wife and i did it, and it helped. i made it a point on off days to show her how i feel about her through my touch. i also made it a point of telling her that i do not expect sex, i just want to show her i love her.
> 
> ...


Wow - that's a win, win. Good for you two 

That article I quoted in my earlier post talked about people being *affection starved*. Personally I think there are more affection starved people than sex starved people in general, simply coz libido will drive a sex staved person to pursue their partner whereas a person who feels affection starved generally stops trying much more quickly as their is no drive for that I guess. Thoughts!


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