# Is my husband abusive?



## candyapple

Six days ago my husband and I got into an argument about something really stupid. I put a screen (or room divider) infront of our patio doors b/c we don't have blinds or drapes and my husband didn't like it there. I explained to him that it gives some privacy since we don't live in a great neighbourhood and the condo we live in has a shared staircase with our next door neighbours, so when they use it they can see right in the patio doors. Anyway, he didn't like it there and moved it the next morning when we were having our coffee. I told him I like it there, and moved it back. He then moved it again and put his thumb through the material in the process (it's one of those paper-like Japanese style screens). He was yelling and going on about me being paranoid that someone is watching me and that I am crazy, need help, etc. When he broke the screen and stated yelling at me, I walked past one of his guitars and calmly knocked it off its stand. I know this was not smart b/c he immediatly charged at me and pushed me so hard I flew from the dining room into the kitchen. I reached for my phone and he grabbed me and would not let me go and he took my phone away and said he was going to break every phone in the house. I am trying to figure out if this is abuse or just him reacting to me knocking over his guitar. In the past he has only grabbed me 2 other times and one time he grabbed a book out of my hand and threw it against the wall - but he's never hit, slapped, kicked or punched me. I'm not sure what to do. We haven't spoken since it happened. He wanted to make-up shortly after the whole thing but I wouldn't because I felt everything really got out of hand and it wasn't something that we can just say sorry and move on. I feel like he's controlling and always has to get his way - why should he care if I put a screen infront of a door? But this is how he has been since we've lived together. I don't know what to do.


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## trey69

Yes its abuse! It's up to you whether you continue to allow it.


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## somuchinlove

candyapple said:


> I know this was not smart b/c he immediatly charged at me and pushed me so hard I flew from the dining room into the kitchen. I reached for my phone and he grabbed me and would not let me go and he took my phone away and said he was going to break every phone in the house. I am trying to figure out if this is abuse or just him reacting to me knocking over his guitar. In the past he has only grabbed me 2 other times and one time he grabbed a book out of my hand and threw it against the wall - but he's never hit, slapped, kicked or punched me. I'm not sure what to do.


Anytime a man/woman has to get physical to prove their point, it is abuse. To rational adults should be able to communicate without getting physical. The fact that he has grabbed you twice, took a book from your hands and threw it, and that he charged you and pushed you proves that he is abusive. He doesn't have to "hit" or "slap" you. He is already showing you that he has the capabilities to become very abusive at any moment.


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## unbelievable

Yep, he can go to jail for domestic violence in any of the 50 states. In my state, you could ride along with him, charged with domestic vandalism for trying to damage his guitar during your hissy fit. Both of you need to learn some adult conflict resolution skills.


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## Locard

Yeah.....but damaging his property is pretty damn juvenille... He should not have grabbed you. You should not have instigated him. This has fail all the way around. You both need to grow up, MC maybe?


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## candyapple

Locard said:


> Yeah.....but damaging his property is pretty damn juvenille... He should not have grabbed you. You should not have instigated him. This has fail all the way around. You both need to grow up, MC maybe?


Instigated him? That's like telling someone she got raped because she wore short skirt. Nobody's mentioning the fact that HE damaged the screen ...I guess that's ok for him to get mad and break stuff ? Furthermore, (not that it's even relevant) but I didn't DAMAGE his guitar, I tipped it off it's stand onto the carpet. It didnt' even go out of tune. Anyway, you and the previous post are really missing the point. If I had skipped all the details of what lead to him pushing & grabbing me (like many people on here do) you would all be saying..."oh yes, that's terrible that he did that.." Just because I'm being honest about the entire incident, you are shifting the whole focus to the fact that I "damaged" his property. Newsflash: Guitars don't break from falling off their stands onto carpets. The police would be laughing their asses off if he tried to say I "damaged" his property.


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## candyapple

unbelievable said:


> Yep, he can go to jail for domestic violence in any of the 50 states. In my state, you could ride along with him, charged with domestic vandalism for trying to damage his guitar during your hissy fit. Both of you need to learn some adult conflict resolution skills.


You weren't there and your advice is useless and a waste of space. Thanks anyway.


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## Mindful Coach

Yes it's abuse and it will get worse, not better. Firm boundaries need to be put in place and definitely see about counseling or coaching, and perhaps an anger management program for him.


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## COGypsy

candyapple said:


> You weren't there and your advice is useless and a waste of space. Thanks anyway.


Actually, if I'm recalling correctly, unbelievable is a cop, so I'm thinking his advice is spot on. 

From the other side of the fence, having worked at a domestic violence agency for several years, I can tell you from experience: both people have marks--they both go to jail; both bust up (or try) each others stuff--they both go in. Police are in the business of stopping and preventing crime, not determining who's right and wrong and meting out justice for it all.

And legally, you knocking his guitar around isn't any different than him busting up the walls--it's considered an implicit threat when a domestic is already in progress. I'm guessing that the cycle of abuse has been going on between you two for so long that you're both exhibiting the cycle. It's a pretty common response to abuse. That just makes it more critical for you to take action to make changes in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## candyapple

COGypsy said:


> Actually, if I'm recalling correctly, unbelievable is a cop, so I'm thinking his advice is spot on.
> 
> From the other side of the fence, having worked at a domestic violence agency for several years, I can tell you from experience: both people have marks--they both go to jail; both bust up (or try) each others stuff--they both go in. Police are in the business of stopping and preventing crime, not determining who's right and wrong and meting out justice for it all.
> 
> And legally, you knocking his guitar around isn't any different than him busting up the walls--it's considered an implicit threat when a domestic is already in progress. I'm guessing that the cycle of abuse has been going on between you two for so long that you're both exhibiting the cycle. It's a pretty common response to abuse. That just makes it more critical for you to take action to make changes in your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, maybe "unbelievable" is a cop but regardless, his post is basically useless to me. It doesn't help my situation, he is simply preaching to me after the fact, speculating what COULD have happened. I am trying to figure out if this is really abuse and I could tell a lot more (for example, that my husband is an alcholic and addicted to perscription meds) but I left A LOT of stuff out b/c I just want to know if it's still considered abuse in this situation. I don't need to be preached to, I just wanted to make sure I told exactly what happened that day. If I could go to jail too, fine. But that's not my question.


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## Halien

candyapple said:


> Well, maybe "unbelievable" is a cop but regardless, his post is basically useless to me.


Sorry that you had to be subjected to this type of behavior. It is abuse, plain and simple. Regardless, even at the beginning, it is hard to understand why he wouldn't take your concerns for privacy more serious. 

Keep in mind, however, that most people who ask questions on this site have a reason for doing so. You omitted this part, and maybe you don't want people to know your reason. Of course, if you plainly declare this, you'll probably get no replies, but in leaving it out, people make assumptions in order to try to frame an appropriate response. It could be argued that most people would ask such a question because (1) they may wish to press charges, or (2) they wish to try to get help for the spouse, or (3) they are trying to rationalize getting out of the marriage.

If reasons 1 and 2 apply, the posters were trying to warn you that you may not come out of this process without your own actions being questioned. If number 3 applies, it just could be helpful to know that men may be put off by retaliation tactics like this. Seems pretty unhealthy to assume that he intentionally damaged your screen, yet giving yourself the benefit of prescience in saying that you knew the guitar would suffer no harm when you innocently knocked it off the stand. I've seen quite a few expensive guitars with broken tuning keys in such falls. That in no way justifies abuse, but it could still trigger resentment from most men.


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## Ten_year_hubby

My wife used to try to provoke me or verbally goad me into being physically abusive. Pushing, shoving, she even broke down the bathroom door on Easter morning. I think she wanted to be able to label me as an abuser, for whatever her reason was. Probably just to be even more hurtful, rally people against me, ostracize me and otherwise punish me, threaten me, have unchallenged power over me. It never worked though. Physical abuse is such a hot button topic that one is clearly able to line up a bunch of people against this guy and get him labeled as defective or throw away or unrepairable and have their way with him. It's up to you where to go from here


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## unbelievable

Unbelievable has been a criminal investigator for about 30 years. He dispenses advise freely but alas, most seeds fall on barren soil.


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## Runs like Dog

OP what makes you think it's not abuse?


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## candyapple

unbelievable said:


> Unbelievable has been a criminal investigator for about 30 years. He dispenses advise freely but alas, most seeds fall on barren soil.


Well perhaps if "unbelievable" was a GOOD criminal investigator, he would know that one of the most blatant signs of serious delusional thinking is when a person refers to him or herself in the third person. Just sayin.


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## Jamison

Yes its abuse. So I guess the question now is, what do you do with the info on it being abuse? Do you plan on staying in the situation?


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## candyapple

Jamison said:


> Yes its abuse. So I guess the question now is, what do you do with the info on it being abuse? Do you plan on staying in the situation?


I'm not sure yet. I see a marriage councellor tomorrow, so I will talk to her about it and try to figure out what I'm doing.


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## golfergirl

candyapple said:


> Well perhaps if "unbelievable" was a GOOD criminal investigator, he would know that one of the most blatant signs of serious delusional thinking is when a person refers to him or herself in the third person. Just sayin.


You seem to have some abusive tendencies yourself. Just sayin.

Sounds like a dysfunctional 2-way abusive marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

I'm still wondering why you didn't just buy some blinds or curtains...

You got problems. I hope you don't have kids.


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## candyapple

golfergirl said:


> You seem to have some abusive tendencies yourself. Just sayin.
> 
> Sounds like a dysfunctional 2-way abusive marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're not offering any useful advice, don't bother posting. Why would you waste your time and my time leaving a comment that is neither helpful nor insightful? Your post is subjective, judgemental and is not based on fact....in other words it is basically "useless". Next....


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## Freak On a Leash

candyapple said:


> Your post is subjective, judgemental and is not based on fact....in other words it is basically "useless".


:lol::rofl::rofl: Welcome to the internet!


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## candyapple

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'm still wondering why you didn't just buy some drapes or curtains...
> 
> You got problems. I hope you don't have kids.


#1: we are poor #2. He CONTROLS ALL THE MONEY 3. it was 8AM in the morning 4. we had a screen right there ALReady..and actually it was my daughter who put the screen there initially b/c she didn't want the neighbours looking in...so, yes I have kids and they are both A students despite having an alcoholic, drug -abusing father.....wow, why am I even responding to this? Some of you people on here have this holier-than-thou attitude. You have no idea what I've put up with over the years and I ask one question and knock down a guitar and you are all acting like I f__ing murdered someone. What a crappy forum, filled with a bunch of hypocrites. You wouldn't be on this site if your marriage or relationship was perfect.


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## Freak On a Leash

candyapple said:


> so, yes I have kids and they are both A students despite having an alcoholic, drug -abusing father.....wow, why am I even responding to this? Some of you people on here have this holier-than-thou attitude. You have no idea what I've put up with over the years


Really? I have no idea what you are putting up with. :lol: :rofl: I find that highly amusing. 

Actually, I do know EXACTLY what you are putting up with. I have two A students for kids as well despite them having an alcoholic, abusive father and we endured a living hell for over a year. 

For the past 20 years I've had the SAME fights, the same problems. I've been physically and emotionally abused. Shall I show you the self inflicted wounds that I did to MYSELF as a result of my husband's emotional abuse? How he's pushed and shoved me around physically as well? Shall I tell you how he almost destroyed our family business? How he has been in rehab three times in a year? 

The reason I asked if you have any kids is because I know of the pain that's been afflicted on them over the years and I was hoping that you at least didn't have any children go through this kind of crap as well.

Unfortunately you do.  Now you have stop thinking about YOURSELF and how YOU have been wronged and think about how you are going to get you and your kids out of this mess. It's time to grow up. 

What did I do? A year ago I moved myself and my 2 kids out into our own apartment and we now have have blinds AND curtains. Life is good.


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## candyapple

golfergirl said:


> You seem to have some abusive tendencies yourself. Just sayin.
> 
> Sounds like a dysfunctional 2-way abusive marriag?.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Golfergirl: remember this post? I just stumbled upon the thread and as I was reading the responses,low and behold a post from the wise and oh so helpful "golfergirl". And you say I have abusive tendencies? Hag? Blood boiling? All over some old lady calling some random guy's kids brats? LOL. Word for the day on talkaboutmarriage.com is H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E. :rofl:


golfergirl said:


> My blood is boiling for you! What a hag!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

Now that I've said my piece I'll give you some constructive advice. 

If your husband is an alcoholic then you've got a MUCH bigger problem then a broken screen or a guitar. You need to either get him out or move out yourself and contact social services to see what your options are. If you are poor there are programs you can look into for help. You should avail yourself of them. If you have friends and/or family or any other resources now is the time to look to them for help. 

If your husband is as bad as you say, and dealing with an alcoholic myself I believe he probably is, then you need to get yourself and your kids away from him. Stop sweating the small crap like whether or not he intentionally put a thumb through your screen and and start problem solving and acting like a parent and an adult. 

And stop YELLING at everyone here. People have the right to post here just as you do. You don't have to jump down someone's throat just because they aren't responding in a manner that you approve of. Is this how you are with your husband? If so, no wonder he wants to belt you one. No one wants to put up with abusive crap and YOU are being abusive to people here. Chill out already. 

And please, lay off the "poor poor pity me" attitude. I get enough of that from my husband.


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## golfergirl

candyapple said:


> Hey Golfergirl: remember this post? I just stumbled upon the thread and as I was reading the responses,low and behold a post from the wise and oh so helpful "golfergirl". And you say I have abusive tendencies? Hag? Blood boiling? All over some old lady calling some random guy's kids brats? LOL. Word for the day on talkaboutmarriage.com is H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E. :rofl:


I don't get your hostility. I don't even understand your post. Being mad at the world and lashing out doesn't help you. People offered decent advice and you just freaked out. If that is your reaction to strangers who should mean squat to you, what happends when you get p!ssed by your husband? Regardless what chip you have on your shoulder you don't deserve to be abused. I wish you peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## candyapple

Freak On a Leash said:


> Really? I have no idea what you are putting up with. :lol: :rofl: I find that highly amusing.
> 
> Actually, I do know EXACTLY what you are putting up with. I have two A students for kids as well despite them having an alcoholic, abusive father and we endured a living hell for over a year.
> 
> For the past 20 years I've had the SAME fights, the same problems. I've been physically and emotionally abused. Shall I show you the self inflicted wounds that I did to MYSELF as a result of my husband's emotional abuse? How he's pushed and shoved me around physically as well? Shall I tell you how he almost destroyed our family business? How he has been in rehab three times in a year?
> 
> The reason I asked if you have any kids is because I know of the pain that's been afflicted on them over the years and I was hoping that you at least didn't have any children go through this kind of crap as well.
> 
> Unfortunately you do.  Now you have stop thinking about YOURSELF and how YOU have been wronged and think about how you are going to get you and your kids out of this mess. It's time to grow up.
> 
> What did I do? A year ago I moved myself and my 2 kids out into our own apartment and we now have have blinds AND curtains. Life is good.


Sorry if I was defensive. A lot of people have been very judgemental on here and I'm feeling very confused. My husband is an alcoholic and he also abuses many drugs but I didn't want to get into that in my original post. I think I have become accustomed to living like this and I don't know what's normal anymore. That's why I asked the question b/c I'm not even sure if it's abuse and people on here are blaming me for a lot of the stuff that happened, just like my husband blames me for almost everything. This was the first time I have ever done anything that might "set him off" - I have never done anything physical or even so much as yelled at him. When he starts yelling, I walk away. I just feel like I'm at the point where I've had enough and I just can't sit quietly anymore. I was suicidal last fall because he had me convinced that everything that was wrong in our lives was my fault. I was in a deep depression for weeks & the only thing that brought me around were my children. I am defensive because I have to be. That's how i have been surviving. Thanks for your story. It really is helpful and I apologize for snapping at you. You are one of only a few people on here who actually gave a thoughtful/helpful response.


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## candyapple

Freak On a Leash said:


> Now that I've said my piece I'll give you some constructive advice.
> 
> If your husband is an alcoholic then you've got a MUCH bigger problem then a broken screen or a guitar. You need to either get him out or move out yourself and contact social services to see what your options are. If you are poor there are programs you can look into for help. You should avail yourself of them. If you have friends and/or family or any other resources now is the time to look to them for help.
> 
> If your husband is as bad as you say, and dealing with an alcoholic myself I believe he probably is, then you need to get yourself and your kids away from him. Stop sweating the small crap like whether or not he intentionally put a thumb through your screen and and start problem solving and acting like a parent and an adult.
> 
> And stop YELLING at everyone here. People have the right to post here just as you do. You don't have to jump down someone's throat just because they aren't responding in a manner that you approve of. Is this how you are with your husband? If so, no wonder he wants to belt you one. No one wants to put up with abusive crap and YOU are being abusive to people here. Chill out already.
> 
> And please, lay off the "poor poor pity me" attitude. I get enough of that from my husband.


I dont' think I'm the one sweating the small stuff. The posters on here are the ones who shifted the focus to me knocking down his guitar. And I actually don't have a poor pity me attitude at all. I want help, for me FIRST because I can't help my kids unless I am in the right frame of mind. Anyway, I need more help than this forum can offer, so thanks again for your input. I appreciate it.


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## Freak On a Leash

candyapple said:


> Sorry if I was defensive. A lot of people have been very judgemental on here and I'm feeling very confused. My husband is an alcoholic and he also abuses many drugs but I didn't want to get into that in my original post. I think I have become accustomed to living like this and I don't know what's normal anymore. That's why I asked the question b/c I'm not even sure if it's abuse and people on here are blaming me for a lot of the stuff that happened, just like my husband blames me for almost everything. This was the first time I have ever done anything that might "set him off" - I have never done anything physical or even so much as yelled at him. When he starts yelling, I walk away. I just feel like I'm at the point where I've had enough and I just can't sit quietly anymore. I was suicidal last fall because he had me convinced that everything that was wrong in our lives was my fault. I was in a deep depression for weeks & the only thing that brought me around were my children. I am defensive because I have to be. That's how i have been surviving. Thanks for your story. It really is helpful and I apologize for snapping at you. You are one of only a few people on here who actually gave a thoughtful/helpful response.


It's OK. Trust me, I've been snapped at a LOT worse!  I feel for you, I really do! But it's not hopeless and you aren't alone. What you are feeling is normal. You are angry, bitter, resentful, confused, hurt and confused..and probably a whole lot more. Living with alcoholic is horrid. Throw in whatever drugs he's using and I'm sure it makes it far worse. 

In addition to being an alcoholic, my H is clinically depressed and to make it even worse..After we left he inherited a bunch of money from his father and knows how to use it to hurt and control me me and the kids.

This is a man who decided that we weren't "loving him enough" and let our health insurance lapse to "teach us a lesson". He knows I can't afford $1500/month health insurance (because I pay for everything else!) so he uses it as a weapon. He bought my daughter a car and uses it against her as well. If she doesn't "show him enough love" then he threatens to take the car back! Believe me, I know the horrible situation you are in!

What someone like your and my husband does is drink to drown out the demons that are inside of him but they are HIS demons and you can't make them go away. Only HE has that power. What you have the power to do is deal with YOUR situation and make you and your kids lives better. You do NOT have to live with this abuse!

An alcoholic/abuser won't admit that he is the problem..so he seeks to make YOU the problem. You are the one he blames! NOTHING you do will EVER be enough! To this very day, I have bent over backwards to try and help my husband out and no matter WHAT I do or say, it's never enough. It's a losing battle. You can't change him and he probably won't change...so you have to change yourself and/or your situation. More importantly, you have to get your and your kids out of this no-win scenario. You CAN do this!

If you focus on constructive ways to make you and your children's lives better then you WILL feel better. You will rise above your husband's blame game and feel good about yourself. The anger that you feel might not go away completely but it will lessen. You can use it as a constructive force to do good and make the changes you need to pursue a happier life. You deserve a better life. 

Right now your husband is a dead weight, an anchor around you and your kids lives. You need to cut the rope that holds it there. That means you either get him out or you leave. If you have family or friends then you might need to ask them for help or sanctuary. If this doesn't work, then you can go to social services. There is free legal aid, places where you can get help for spousal abuse. They can help you, especially since you have children. Better to leave for awhile in a shelter than be subjected to abuse. You do NOT have to put up with this!

If you have a job then you have a head start. You'll need to take stock in your resources and do whatever it is you can do to get yourself in a self supporting position so you can build a new life for your family. But you gotta get rid of that alcoholic, drug abusive husband. He's done and over with. He's not helping you and the two of you screaming and yelling at each other isn't ever going to make it better. You are starting to recognize that and that's the first step towards building a new life. 

Trust me, you can do it. For YEARS I was so scared to take that step. My life was spiraling out of control. My husband told me that I'd be living on welfare, sleeping in the streets. He said the most horrible things to me over the years and yes, he pushed me around too. I was so depressed and feeling so badly about myself that I took to cutting myself. We screamed and yelled at each other for years. My children saw and grew up seeing and hearing horrible things. The cops were a monthly fixure at our doorstep. We had social services involved. It was a real mess. 

I read your story and thought "Wow, sounds like what I went through. Hope she doesn't have kids".  Your husband grabbed your phone? My H threw my Ipod across the room once. Another time he went out and scratched my car on purpose. I threw things at him in return. It's never ending unless you do something to break the cycle.

At one time my husband was a good man who began drinking and literally destroyed himself and in doing so, was taking us down with him. If you have time, go back and read some of my earlier posts about the situation. I can't say I was blameless over the years. I had my own issues. The important difference between my H and me is that I showed remorse, accepted my mistakes and worked to correct them and better myself. He blames everyone else and expect everyone to pity and accept him for what he has become. If we don't, he uses his money to bully and intimidate us. It's a really sad thing to watch because he once was a good father and provider. Now he's neither. 

In November 2010, I told him to get out of the house and it was the BEST decision I ever made. I still remember the sense of relief I felt when drove home and he was NOT on the porch drinking rum and coke and berating me about what a horrible wife I'd been over the years. 

I had no friends or family to turn to either. Fortunately I salvaged what I could of our family business and worked 6 days/week putting it all back together. Now we have a good life..the three of us. Are we rich? No. But we are satisfied and and at peace, which is a lot more than can be said for my husband, who sits alone right now blaming the rest of the world for his problems and squanders what time he has left on this earth being bitter and hateful. 

My kids love and respect me as both a parent and friend and support me as well. I'm lucky to have them.  I feel a great deal of happiness and satisfaction in that I did right by them. Over the years I haven't been the perfect parent but at least now I know I have been there for them when it really mattered. 

My H is still a pain in the butt but that's about all. Up until 2 weeks ago he was drinking a quart of rum a day. Then he collapsed and went to the hospital and was told he'd die if he drank any more. Regardless of what he does to himself, I won't cry over him. I don't yell at him. He pulls crap on me and I just leave and go home to my OWN place. It's the best feeling in the world...to be free. For now, a year later, after all the tears and blood and fighting and screaming..I feel that I am truly free. My heart and head are my own. 

You can do it too! Do things that make YOU happy, even if it's a small thing like taking a walk near the beach at sunset. Relax and write out a list of what your goals are and work towards them and avail yourself of all the services that your tax dollars have been paying for over the years. Do it for yourself and your kids. Put that anger and anxiety to constructive uses to make a better life. 

Some will say to try marriage counseling or Al-anon. I say go get counseling for yourself and if you feel Al anon will help, by all means do it. But IMO you can't help him get better. You need to walk away to save yourself and your family. 

There's no helping an alcoholic who doesn't want to help himself. Even if he SAYS he wants to get better there are no guarantees. Just his evening my H told me he misses me and wants us to "get on with our lives together". IMO, there's no more "lives together". But I "yes dear" him and hang up the phone and do whatever it is that I want to do because it's no use talking to or reasoning with him. He is what he is and I'm convinced he won't change. He's still a mean, vindictive, angry man, with or without the alcohol. He hasn't dealt with his inner demons and until he does he'll never change. 

Right now, I only care about myself and my kids. Any compassion or love that I had for him has been beaten and drained out of me. I don't even care enough to argue with him. I do need his payments for our health insurance and other items so I kiss his butt but I look forward to the day when I can physically and financially walk away from him forever and I have no doubt that it will happen. But emotionally I'm gone. I'm not angry anymore or confused. I know what I need to do and I do it. You have to be like a general in a war planning out a strategy or battle. You need to be cold, calculating and in control. Let him deal with the emotional crap. 

I wish you the best of luck. I have faith in you. Don't put up with his crap anymore. Don't let him drag you down to his level!


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## tacoma

Ten_year_hubby said:


> My wife used to try to provoke me or verbally goad me into being physically abusive. Pushing, shoving, she even broke down the bathroom door on Easter morning. I think she wanted to be able to label me as an abuser, for whatever her reason was. Probably just to be even more hurtful, rally people against me, ostracize me and otherwise punish me, threaten me, have unchallenged power over me. It never worked though. Physical abuse is such a hot button topic that one is clearly able to line up a bunch of people against this guy and get him labeled as defective or throw away or unrepairable and have their way with him. It's up to you where to go from here


This is EXACTLY what this situation sounds like.

Yes, he`s obviously abusive but she knows where his buttons are and knew exactly what he`d do when she "tipped" his guitar over.

I dated one of these years ago too when I was young and stupid.
I too was abusive but it`s odd that she`s the only woman I`ve ever been that way with.

Years later I learned why.
I`ve since learned to dump one of these women like she was the plague the moment it raises it`s head.


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## Runs like Dog

Or as we used to say "Don't look too hard up that rhino's ass"


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## unbelievable

Shoving one's spouse is stupid, criminal, abusive, etc. It's also a class A misdemeanor in my state. Vandalizing a guitar could very easily be a felony. Damaging property in excess of $500 in my state will get you a felony charge. You might eventually beat the rap but you'll still have to be arrested and post bond. Even though I think we'd all agree his actions were more violent, you could actually suffer more punishment. In any case, it sounds like two folks both escalating a simple disagreement unnecessarily and that's the way it would look to most any judge.


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## COGypsy

More importantly, when an abusive relationship reaches the point where either the victim starts to instigate the explosive incident just to get the escalation and the buildup over with, or when the victim becomes abusive themselves, the risks in the situation increase dramatically.

You both are in significantly greater physical danger as the severity of incidents escalate.

Law enforcement is more likely to be called as incidents become more severe or more frequent

The likelihood of Family Services becoming involved increases. If both parents are taken to jail, even overnight--minor children can't be left in the home alone, so it's either a family placement or a group home for the night and often an investigation into their safety.

Substance use/abuse tends to escalate since both partners are experiencing the cycle of violence from the perspective of the abuser and the victim and reacting to that stress


So even if it pisses you off that you're taking flak for knocking the guitar around--it indicates a serious need for action. I hope the counselor that you're seeing has experience in domestic violence and can give you some good guidance on handling those particular relationships.


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## desert-rose

This could be seen as abusive. 

Controlling? Definitely, yes.

You should go to marriage counseling together. You guys both need to learn about conflict resolution. Also, you both need anger management -- he does more than you, but your own behavior should be kept in check before you either turn to physical violence yourself or accidentally get hurt because you do something that triggers his own violence. He should not, under any circumstances, be violent with you (grabbing and etc, is violent). However, if there's a possibility that he could be, then you need to be careful and protect yourself by not doing stuff that might trigger it. 

If you're afraid, get out of there. 

Definitely get some counseling.

Hang in there and be careful.


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## Locard

Oh boy, how did I miss the rest of this one? Notice a trend. I've been an investigator for 15 years. 

The hostility shown here by the OP is VERY telling. Ever hear of the primary aggressor? I even stated that it was abuse but you still gave it to me with both barrels! Victim mentality, not your fault blah blah blah. You need to take some responsibilty here as well.

If there is physical abuse and alcohol abuse going on here I don't see a happy future. I do wish you well.


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