# I'm having a hard time getting intimate with my partner not sure where to go



## Ray Day (May 6, 2011)

When I was young I was assaulted sexually by a family member when I went to stay over. Anyway since then I managed to repress the memory. I guess it was always at the back of my mind but because I was young I didn't know how to handle or understand it. It's only when I hit 16, I remembered, understood and panicked. Since then my life has been a massive train wreck. Best analogy I can give is that a train gets derailed, and you're never going to ever get back on track. I wasted my teen years in misery, I got into med school but failed it, got into pharmacy school but failed it again. 

I did tell my parents but they were not much help. They told me it wasn't real and it was a nightmare, a bad dream, and my mother still made frequent contact with that family member and whenever I told her how it made me feel she just got angry. My dad did initially put me into counselling but my mother again forced me to stop for reasons I'll never really understand. When I was at university for that brief period of time I did seek counselling behind my parent's back but I was let down because the counselor said they only offer limited sessions and so she can't help me.

When I met my wife, I never really told her about anything because no one wants to hear or cares about this. I'm just scared my wife won't believe me or divorce so she can find someone better. I don't want to disappoint her like I did everyone else. I just want her to be happy but I find it too hard to get intimate. I can tell she sometimes get frustrated when I make up excuses to find reasons to get out of it, so sometimes I just do it, for her, even if it hurts emotionally when doing it. To be honest I just feel really numb, like nothing is true. I feel as if my life which once was cannot be mended because it's too late. I'm just torn because our relationship is in trouble, she isn't happy and neither am I. I don't want to talk to a counsellor or anyone else I just want to make things right. 

Sorry I'd add more details tomorrow when I get myself back together after typing this, I guess I've been hiding this without anyone to talk to for many years I find it really hard to open up to people again. Thank you for your advice, time and patience to read all this.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I was molested when I was younger by a family member and it leads to difficult life decisions. I can only tell you that your spouse will be someone that will truly understand. You are an adult now and nobody is stopping you from going to counseling now. Go.

Your wife will most likely understand better if you tell her why you are having issues. By not telling her,you are running the risk of her feeling that you are not attracted to her,she is doing something wrong,or you don't love her. If it is to difficult tell her you are going to counseling and then take her to a session after you feel more comfortable.

In the meantime, bring her flowers, or do something nice that shows her you love her. Intamcy comes with trust and understanding. It does get better,don't give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ray Day (May 6, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> I was molested when I was younger by a family member and it leads to difficult life decisions. I can only tell you that your spouse will be someone that will truly understand. You are an adult now and nobody is stopping you from going to counseling now. Go.
> 
> Your wife will most likely understand better if you tell her why you are having issues. By not telling her,you are running the risk of her feeling that you are not attracted to her,she is doing something wrong,or you don't love her. If it is to difficult tell her you are going to counseling and then take her to a session after you feel more comfortable.
> 
> ...


Thanks, but as I said before, I can't do counselling again, and I'm just not ready to tell my wife about something this big. Especially since the last time i told someone close to me. I will eventually as she deserves the right to know what happened but I'm not there yet in healing


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You realize that you are making your wife feel awful about herself. Would you rather risk losing her than risk going to counseling? Isn't she worth the effort?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your parents are so wrong for denying your reality. They sound like Narcissists. That must hurt so much. No wonder why you are afraid to tell your wife.

I beg of you to find a way to get some therapy. Many therapists have sliding scales to fit your budget. You have been traumatized and it will be difficult to get your life back until you can deal with this trauma. You may have post traumatic stress disorder, which may be why you are freezing when having sex.

Maybe you could try to ease into telling your wife what happened. You could casually mention reading something in the news about a child being molested and ask her if she knows anyone who was ever molested. Based on what she says, you may feel comfortable telling her about you. But not only were you traumatized by the molestation, but traumatized by your parents' lack of empathy and support, so your sense of trust and safety have been compromised. 

I am sending good thoughts your way. You did not deserve what happened - the molestation or your parents' betrayal.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ray,
Really sorry this happened to you. And that no one really supported you after it. I do think you need to make the leap of faith with your W for both you sakes. 

Since she doesn't know why, she just feels awful and rejected and undesirable. You have to tell her. I think she will be supportive if you tell her now - but she will likely be less so as time passes.




Ray Day said:


> Thanks, but as I said before, I can't do counselling again, and I'm just not ready to tell my wife about something this big. Especially since the last time i told someone close to me. I will eventually as she deserves the right to know what happened but I'm not there yet in healing


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