# Wife's problem with my kids.



## dogdjour (Jul 18, 2012)

We have been married for 4 years and this problem won't go away. I mentioned taking my 17 year old daughter for some dinner. Nothing expensive McDonalds or something. This turned into a fight because she always has to say something smart and generally be a B### afterwards. I am at the end of my rope. If I mention my kids 17 and 18 it causes a fight. I know they're grown but they still need a dad. Things will come up, holidays, babies etc. They will still want me to be around. she wants to act as if they don't exist. they can't come to our house but her kids 23 and 25 can. I am really thinking divorce. HELP!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

dogdjour said:


> We have been married for 4 years and this problem won't go away. I mentioned taking my 17 year old daughter for some dinner. Nothing expensive McDonalds or something. This turned into a fight because she always has to say something smart and generally be a B### afterwards. I am at the end of my rope. If I mention my kids 17 and 18 it causes a fight. I know they're grown but they still need a dad. Things will come up, holidays, babies etc. They will still want me to be around. she wants to act as if they don't exist. they can't come to our house but her kids 23 and 25 can. I am really thinking divorce. HELP!


Your wife is being selfish. Of course you should be able to maintain a relationship with your children, no matter what their age is. You are and always will be a parent.

So my question is, in the past, was there ever some friction between your wife and your children? Did she ever say they acted disrespectfully to her? Is there another reason (other than the fact that they are your children) that she would not want you to spend time with them?


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## dogdjour (Jul 18, 2012)

She has pretty much been against them from day one but I really couldn't fathom that someone could be like this.
She did let them have rooms when we first married (I moved in with her). They didn't take care of their rooms and thats part my fault I know, but they weren't really ever made feel welcome. 
i.e. At dinner time when it was my week to have my kids she would stay in her room and eat alone instead of joining us at the table. We married too quick, we are in love but this is a dead end for both of us. 
She was tossed around from uncle to aunt and foster care as a kid because her parents were trash. So I think it's a combination of not ever having strong family ties and the fact that she can't stand my ex, their mother.
She also gets miffed if I go see my own parents who live in the same town with us. Tells me to "be quick" I've just about had it.
I have left her before about this, she cries and begs me back, says she'll change but as soon as I'm back in, it starts again.
I'm sick.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like she has some issues that she isn't willing to face.

You cannot change her, so you need to ask yourself - can you live with her the way she is? If the answer is no then divorce her.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

dogdjour said:


> This turned into a fight because she always has to say something smart and generally be a B### afterwards. I am at the end of my rope. If I mention my kids 17 and 18 it causes a fight. I know they're grown but they still need a dad. Things will come up, holidays, babies etc. They will still want me to be around. she wants to act as if they don't exist. they can't come to our house but her kids 23 and 25 can.


Being in a blended family does not change the fact that you are still Dad to your children. Children will always need their parents and a little one-on-one time should be encouraged.

I agree with survivorwife on if there has ever been any friction between her and your children? Just because they are not her children does not mean she should treat them differently than her own. When you talk about the kids, what does she say? 

It's called a double standard, which is un-acceptable (to me). Her expectations regarding children are different, depending on if they are her's or not. The kids are old enough that they should be getting near the same treatment. Your wife is being very selfish and if she cannot see that, then you have a bigger problem.

My wife and I are slowly working through the family blending process and I will admit that it can be difficult at times. We have had numberous discussions, together and with the kids, on the expectations in the house. My wife and I don't always agree, but we can usually come to a compromise that is acceptable to everyone. The key is being able to communicate with each other and work through the problems.

After 4 years, I would have hoped that you all had addressed the issues with your blended family. Perhaps you and your wife could benefit with some marriage and family counseling to work on the communication issues that you seem to have.

Edit: I just read your response and her behavior has been unacceptable for far to long. Based on her history, marriage and family counseling is not going to help, she has deeper issues that she needs to come to terms with before she can address the family issues. You have also allowed her behavior to continue, so basically, shame on you both. 

I see only a couple of choices: Either she willingly starts to address her issues or you need to make the break. I can clearly sense the level of resentment in your posts against her and continuing in this marriage is just asking for a disaster. You need to make a call.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

If you don't stand up for your kids now you will lose them later. Your kids are your blood. Your wife comes second. Show your kids they come first. Your wife is not a good person.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

if this is all true why are you with this woman?

than again personal interests do exceed that of other and in many ways rightfully should. Do you agree?


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

I believe I can shed some light over your wife's motivations. 

In a sense her brain is wired for these emotions. You see at the base level a woman's brain evolved to seek out a man with resources. As such, your ex wife and your children are perceived by her as a threat since you will be spending your resources on them and not on your future children with her. Same goes for your parents. 

Please keep in mind that she likely does not rationalize it as such, she just feels a negative emotional sting whenever the subject arises. This is difficult for you to be emphatic with because for you the need to be there for your children is obvious and you think it should be obvious for everyone else. 

Now most women in this situation will feel similar negative emotions to your wife. I would mention that the wise woman would have enough insight to rationalize where the negative inputs are coming from and enough willpower to suppress them as they are not constructive to building a relationship. 

Now since you mentioned that when you left she begs you to come back, on the one hand it fits in well with the model above as she wants your resources and on the other hand it leads me to suspect a low self esteem on her part. This low self esteem could contribute to her reacting strongly to perceived threats. 

As to how to address this issue there would be a lot of work on her side to develop proper healthy coping mechanisms as well as addressing her low self esteem. There are things you can do to be supportive of this process on your side as well. 

Given the situation you are starting from I suggest you see a marriage counselor to help you address the issues.


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## dogdjour (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks for all of your help. I am going try to be understanding with this for now but I am going to insist on spending time w my kids, with or without her. If she can't deal with that I hve no choice but divorce. She won't go to marriage counseling. I've brought that up before.
The thing is I am really getting resentful of her to the point that I'm wondering if I even "like" her at all anymore, though I do still love her. I feel it's a lost cuse really though and I'm just wasting more time.
Thanks again


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Your wife is being selfish. Of course you should be able to maintain a relationship with your children, no matter what their age is. You are and always will be a parent.
> 
> So my question is, in the past, was there ever some friction between your wife and your children? Did she ever say they acted disrespectfully to her? Is there another reason (other than the fact that they are your children) that she would not want you to spend time with them?












This....as much as I hate it, my ex is my childrens dad and I love my kids too much than to rob him of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Dogdjour, you've come to the wrong place with way too little information. You received responses in opposition to your wife's behavior because you made your wife the bad guy by only telling what she has done. But, I know there is more to this story. While I know there are women like you describe your wife to be, I know that ordinarily there is way more to the story. You tell us nothing of her reasons, when surely you have asked her at some point(s) in the past.

******************************************************
Just a few of the types of scenarios that often play out in step families where the wife is also the stepmother:

1. Children want their parents to be together so in the event of a divorce, they still want their parents to get back together (this often applies to adult children also). They resent their father re-marrying because that woman represents their shattered hopes. Whether consciously or subconsciously, they set out to remove her from the picture. The result is them being disrespectful, blaming her for her reactions to their bad behavior, jealous competitions for dad's attention, etc. To dad, they always look like the innocent party since they are children and since they are HIS children.

2. Dad is possessed of "guilty daddy syndrome" where he feels guilt for not being the same home with them and not providing the nuclear family scenario for his kids. So, he spoils them by spending money unnecessarily and extravagantly and is afraid to be the disciplinarian figure in their lives that they need him to be. He fears he will lose their love if he makes them behave, builds structure in their lives, and doesn't buy them the things they want.

3. Dad, as husband to the stepmother of his children, is unsupportive of his wife. He often places the kids before her and sides with them in disputes, playing monkey in the middle rather than making his children behave respectfully toward her. Instead of being allowed to present a united front, the other head of household, and the other adult/parental figure, the stepmother is often rendered second class citizen in her own home, made to feel like the kids come first and she is just another child forced to live as he and his kids require.

4. The ex-wife (birth mother of his children whether they were ever married or not) is also jealous of her former husband's new relationship/marriage. She exerts authority over him by calling all the shots where the kids are concerned, being disruptive to the new marriage, and being demanding of his time and resources supposedly for the kids' sake. He allows this because he's afraid to make waves with the ex for fear that she will turn his children against him or interfere with his visitation time. As result of him allowing the ex-wife's disruptive and disrespectful behaviors, the new wife again is disrespected and made to feel second class not only to his children but also to the ex.

****************************************************

It isn't likely, based on the responses, these people know anything about how difficult and sometimes awful being a stepmother can be. So, you received responses from people who know nothing of how step family dynamics usually play out, and you offered nothing in the way of there being any possibility your wife has cause to feel the way she does. You are disparaging of your wife, and you came here to receive confirmation of how you feel.

If you posted on boards that ARE familiar, boards like the one in this link, then you will receive very different responses. Some, if not many, of the members there are way over the top in my opinion, but it's how those women feel based on the treatment they received from husbands like you, children like yours, and ex-wives like the mother of your children. Even though I think some of them are out of line, what I find is the ones who really SHOULD never actually do ban their stepkids from the house and don't leave their unsupportive husbands. I'm saying it is almost unbelievable to me that your wife hates your children just because they exist and banned them from the house for their angelic behavior. While it is possible your wife is an awful, selfish, jealous, evil witch of a stepmother like the ones portrayed in Cinderella and Snow White, it is more possible, more believable, and more understandable that her husband, his ex, and her stepchildren drove her to that point. I am abundantly grateful my stepchildren (grown stepdaughter and stepson) don't give us any problems because my marriage would not survive it. I am way too intolerant.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

FreedomCorp said:


> Hello,
> 
> I believe I can shed some light over your wife's motivations.
> 
> ...




It is really hard to read past the illogical assumption that the roots of our cultural construct are biological. You cannot discern evolution from the present; you must discern it from anthropological evidence of the past. This single false assumption is responsible for a lot unhappy men, and probably a lot of unhappy women, too.

How can anyone take advice seriously when it's based on false assumptions?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

While reading the site that I linked, I found this article. Something that you and others may need to know.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> If you don't stand up for your kids now you will lose them later. Your kids are your blood. Your wife comes second. Show your kids they come first. Your wife is not a good person.


LOL Proves my whole point precisely.

Every man should take this advice and see how far he gets. Should be fun to watch the divorce rate rise at exponential leaps. Reminds me of another thread on the board about "blood comes first" with overwhelming response that it's not true. That one was between a brother and the wife, but it's still about "blood" and left a very distraught wife in its wake. If a man does not have sense enough to know his wife comes first, he doesn't deserve his wife. 

Where will any (heterosexual) man be without a woman in his life?


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