# I cheated on my husband. Help



## foldedleaf (Aug 22, 2010)

I am hoping that by telling my story, someone can offer me guidance as I have lost myself along the way and don’t know which direction to turn in. I had an affair two weeks ago and the immense regret that I feel is unbearable. 

I am 30 years old and have been married to my husband for three and half years. We do not have any children. Basically, our entire marriage has been centered on his dreams, needs and wants while everything else is just simply insignificant. 
Shortly after we were married, his true colors began to shine. He became very controlling, selfish and never deemed it necessary to compromise. 

Three months after marriage, we learned that he was accepted into a rigorous medical program out of state. So we left our large of group of friends and family and moved to a town barren of people our age and things to do (yes, I live in the boonies). We moved into a house on 100 acres which is peaceful but quite isolated. Knowing that school would have to be his #1 priority, I had nothing else to concentrate on except for my career (Social work/psych field) which eventually began taking its toll. The first year was tough, we rarely spent quality time together and when we tried he was always irritable. I was so lonely and missed all of the social interaction that we had in our hometown. I never met many new people that would become our friends. The only social outlet that I had was work. 

There have been several major pivotal breaking points in this marriage but I will only cover two because they will give you enough of a glimpse as to what this marriage has been like. 
One day, he began talking about a girl that had just entered his program who had just moved here and didn’t know anyone. So I began inviting her over for dinners and there was just something about her that I couldn’t pinpoint but I knew I couldn’t trust her. Women’s intuition can be quite powerful. But we didn’t have friends like mentioned before so I thought I’d give this a try anyway. Long story short, she was highly promiscuous and would flirt with him directly in front of me. It just so happens that we know her neighbors and one day the neighbor called me and said, “I just want you to know that I’ve seen his car over at her house almost every day and I thought you should know.” When I confronted him, he was very defensive, saying they were friends and he can do what he wants. I told him that she is welcome to hang out with us when we are together but I didn’t feel comfortable with them spending time alone. He yelled and screamed and told me how insecure I was. The next week, I went to a wedding out of town (alone). I called him and he wouldn’t answer. I knew where he was. He said nothing happened. I don’t believe it to this day. Then about 7 months ago he hit me. I felt so violated and disrespected. My attraction towards him began to diminish while my anger and resentment began to rise. After threatening divorce, he finally went to counseling. I told him that If he didn’t stay committed to working on his anger with a counselor that I would leave. He only went to three sessions (which began 2 months ago). 

About 6 months ago, my husband made a friend with whom I will call John. The first time I met him, I thought that he was slightly attractive but never thought anymore about it until later. He fit in with us perfectly and my husband and I became friends with him instantly. He was very personable, caring, genuine, sincere and fun to hang out with. He began coming to our farm every weekend (fri-sun) and spending the night. He was such a joy to have around for both my husband and I because not only did we have a social outlet but he distracted us from our turmoil. 

Well, I’m afraid that some of you may think that I’m crazy for saying this but I am a very intuitive person. I can get a feel for most people rather quickly. The reason why I tell you this is because I began to sense him strongly. In fact I had a dream about him that involved something happening to him when he was 8 yrs old (this has never happened before). So I guess my attraction or curiosity began during this time period. One evening, he and I sat on the porch and talked about his past and the hard times he has been through. I told him about the dream I had (jokingly) and he said that it was absolutely true. After that evening, I felt a strong MAGNETIC pull towards him that I couldn’t stop. I had never felt it before.
He and I began to get into deep conversations about life, pain, ideas and dreams. Sometimes my husband was sitting right next to us and other times he went to bed early (who was sleeping in another bed by choice). It was so nice to have a companion. He listened to me and actually cared what I had to say. I hadn’t had that type of communication with my husband in years.
The more I got to know him, the more I wanted to be around him. I knew that my feelings began to change when I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I began to feel guilty and it began weighing me. When he would come over, I would try to avoid him by going in my room or walking around the property but this didn’t work. I was freaking out internally because I knew that my mind had already crossed a line. I didn’t want to be attracted to him. Believe me when I say that feeling attracted to him was tearing me up inside and I didn’t know what to do. That magnetic force was INTENSE and I felt like it was out of my control. My gut told me he was feeling it too but never thought anything would happen b/c he was such an honest and humble guy. 

About two weeks ago, my husband went out of town for a week and half and he had told John that he could stay at the house with me (b/c john had to work near our farm that week). Naturally, I was freaking out and didn’t know what to do. I knew it was a bad a idea. So one night he came over and.......
The majority of the night was like usual in that we talked like dear buddies. He was telling me how he wanted to get back with his ex and how he was thinking about moving in 6 months, etc.. We began drinking a lot of wine while we talked on the porch. Then he told me that my husband said it was okay that he became our roommate and he wouldn’t to know how I felt about it. So I told him that I needed to share something with him that has been bothering me and he replied by stating, "I think I already know what you are about to say.” My heart dropped. I told him that I had been feeling emotionally attracted to him for awhile and that I wanted it to stop but didn’t know what to do and he said, “I have felt the same way at times and I don’t know how to make it go away.” I could tell he was beginning to feel uncomfortable. We sat in silence for awhile and then he said that he was tired and was going to lie down. We were both intoxicated at this point. So he laid down on the couch and I went inside and asked him if I could lay down next to him. Now I was the impulsive and selfish one. I just wanted him to hold me but it quickly became physical. After twenty minutes or so we stopped because I went into panic mode. The next morning we discussed how guilty we felt and that it should’ve never happened. I told him that I needed to get my head cleared and in order for me to do that I would need for him to take a break from coming out to the farm for awhile. He teared up a little and said that he considered us to be lifelong friends and that he regrets jeopardizing it.

My husband came back in town and we fought for hours. He said that he was going to move out west once he is done with school and didn’t care if I came back or not. We mutually agreed to get a divorce. It was the first time we actually talked for hours in years. I told him that I felt like I had an emotional affair with John and why I think it happened. I was too afraid that if he knew it became physical that he would go into a rage and hit me. He was very upset at first but the next day he acted like a changed man. He apologized for everything that he has put me through and told me that he wants to work on our marriage. He met with the counselor a few days later and I have an appointment tomorrow. He has left me notes on my cars, cooked me dinner and talked with me in the evenings. It has been exactly what I have needed.
I should be happy right now that he is making an effort but I’m struggling with so many different emotions and I don’t know what to do. I have so much anger built up that I’m not sure if I can take much more. How do I know that he will really change? I am also so confused about my feelings towards John. Not that anything would further between him and me but I do have feelings for him. I don’t know what is genuine anymore. I still think about him all the time and I miss him dearly. For me, investing feelings in someone is way more powerful than the physical the fact that I did that may mean I’m not in love with my husband anymore. How do you know? 

To make it even more sad, my husband has tried to call John and he won’t return his calls. My husband misses him too b/c he is only friend here. I know John regrets it immensely and would take it back if he could. I had way more feelings involved that he did. He wouldn’t have done anything if I hadn’t initiated it and if he was sober. I can’t believe that I destroyed their friendship. I am an awful person and I don’t think I’ll forgive myself for it. 

I dont know who I am anymore and cant believe my behavior. I feel like im drowning. 

Please give me advice.


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## hmhardenbrook81 (Aug 22, 2010)

Well, I'm not sure if I have any advice for you because for my situation my cheating was more than just snuggling on the couch and kissing. I actually had sex with another man. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married 3. My husband is an alcholic and while I was on a weekend vacation 11 months ago I had my affair. I told my husband about it when I arrived back home but still he brings up the affair whenever we are fighting. I'm glad that your husband and you finally got a chance to talk about things and that he reacted to what you told him. Hopefully you two can work it out, lately for me I don't think it's going to last. My husband just likes his beer a little too much and he will find any excuse to drink he'll even come up with ways to make my actions be the reason that he's drinking so much instead of taking resposibility for his own actions and admitting he has a problem. If you'd like to talk more, please email me. My email is [email protected].


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