# Confused about separation



## AidanJT (Apr 13, 2020)

Hi all,

I'm in a weird confusing situation and was hoping for some advice.
My Wife and I have been together for 15years and she asked for a separation about 2 weeks ago.
I was an idiot, I know it was my fault as I had a year of heavy drinking and putting that before my wife and children ( I'm pleased to say I've dealt with that and have stopped for about a Month).
Due to my behaviour my wife started chatting to guys online and has told me she has developed feelings for one of them, but she also told me he thinks she has been single for 2 years, has her own business and has a completely different name to the one she has, she is almost living in a fantasy bubble.

I agreed to the separation but due to circumstances am unable to move out yet which she is fine with.

Since the separation we have got on so well, we have a good laugh together just like we used to in the old days.
The things that are confusing me are the way she is acting, she admitted there have been occasions she wanted to give me a hug and was unsure why and it was confusing her.
I find that we catch each other looking at each other.
She is always making physical contact with me like slapping me on the bum or poking me if she walks past me.
We sat on the sofa watching a movie with the children and she had her legs across my lap, I had my hand on her knee and we sat there for hours like that and neither of us stopped it even though it was the wrong thing to do during a separation.

She also has mentioned she has seen huge changes in me and likes the new person she is seeing?

What is going on? 

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Aidan.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What going on is that your wife is taking advantage of you and your guilt has set you up to allow this.

Do not move out of your home without seeing an attorney first. Why? Because in some states she can then file for divorce claiming that you have abandoned her and the children.

If you two want a separation, then find a counselor who will help the two of you set up a structured separation. It sets the rules such as how finances will be handled, time spend with your children, whether or not you two can date.

Here are some links to sites I found with a google search "structured separation agreement template"






The Structured Separation Agreement | Ward Therapy Associates, LLC







www.patrickwardphd.com













7 Key Components of a "Therapeutic" Separation Agreement | Survival Strategies for Betrayed Partners Blog | Vicki Tidwell Palmer


Therapeutic separation is an intentional & planned period of time when a couple chooses to live separately. Learn 7 key components of a therapeutic separation agreement.




vickitidwellpalmer.com













A HEALING SEPARATION With Goals - Marriage Missions International


A Healing Separation is a structured time apart that can help to heal a troubled marriage. If done right it can revitalize the relationship.




marriagemissions.com





Most of the time, when a has a separation, it ends in divorce. The separation is just a step to make it easier to file for divorce. A structured separation is far more likely to being a couple closer together while they work on their issues. To fix your problems, you have to interact with each other.

This whole thing about her flirting/sexting/whatever online is a form of infidelity and should not be tolerated.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

AidanJT said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I'm in a weird confusing situation and was hoping for some advice.
> My Wife and I have been together for 15years and she asked for a separation about 2 weeks ago.
> ...


Ya... no. 

You own your **** (the drinking) and she owns her **** (the cheating).

It sounds very much like you've been owning your ****, and then falling all over yourself apologizing for her ****.

Rip the band aid off. She's been cheating, she's left, and you know that she's been doing even more with other guys than she was while married.

So just let her go. Focus on your recovery and moving forward in a positive way. Which probably means going no contact with her, getting the divorce paperwork done, and moving on.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

well, you were drinking. That's a lot to handle for the spouse. No wonder she was looking for attentioin somewhere else, not that it excuses it.
If you both can own up your past mistakes, and find common ground again, go for it. Start by having frank conversation with her, to deal with both issues - cheating and drinking. But be open that this can go both ways, and can confirm the separation. But at least you will know


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> well, you were drinking. That's a lot to handle for the spouse. No wonder she was looking for attentioin somewhere else, not that it excuses it.
> If you both can own up your past mistakes, and find common ground again, go for it. Start by having frank conversation with her, to deal with both issues - cheating and drinking. But be open that this can go both ways, and can confirm the separation. But at least you will know


Brother I have to disagree with Wanda here.

You were drinking too much, a drunk more a less. You stopped. 

Your wife in the other hand HAS BEEN CHEATING ON YOU FOR A WHILE. She would still be sleeping with the guy if not for the Corona Virus stuff. If she goes to work she is still screwing him. 

You on the other hand are being played for a fool, like a lot of guys get played. 

She had choices, she could have divorced you, she could have talked to you. But she chose to cheat. 

So, you need to talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. You need to let her know that if she wants to be married to you, she has to figure out how to fix this and how to help you heal, or you will divorce her and move on. 

YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND STOP BEING A WEAK MAN, AND TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE...


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> What going on is that your wife is taking advantage of you and your guilt has set you up to allow this.
> 
> Do not move out of your home without seeing an *attorney* first. Why? Because *in some states s*he can then file for divorce claiming that you have abandoned her and the children.
> 
> If you two want a separation, then find a *counselor* who will help the two of you set up a structured separation. It sets the rules such as how finances will be handled, time spend with your children, whether or not you two can date.


 The flag beneath *AidanJT* is a Union Jack. Despite the attempts of a few we are unlikely ever to become an American state.


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