# Issues with touching after EA



## mis.behavin (Nov 8, 2014)

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and need some help after my having an EA with a coworker and separating as least emotionally from my husband (he's been financially unfaithful for as long as we have been married in addition to oh so many other issues. Long story short, I have moved out of the bedroom but we are still in the same house), I have decided to still give my the marriage a second go due to our kids and unfortunately as a result of crappy finances. 

We are now going to MC, although I am still in love with my EA, even though I now only have contact with him through work. 

Is it normal to start crying when DH does hug or hold me? At other time he mentions having sex which makes me cringe and i'm not sure why he's asks in a crude manner or if he did it before, I just never bothered me before?

Or today he wanted to hug me from behind and I screamed and he started laughing? And then he claimed he was just teasing me? Is any of this normal or can anybody else relate to it???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't believe your husband still wants to even touch you after you betrayed him!

I suggest you find a new job so you can focus on the marriage and not your EA each and every time you go to work.

No matter what kind of contact you are in fact still in contact with your EA so seriously.....finding a new job will do wonders for your marriage.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Why not go be with your OM. Clearly your husband wasn't worth your love and loyalty. Let him go find a woman that will be faithful him and is mature enough to actually talk about issues before cheating on him.

Clay


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What do you mean by him being "financially unfaithful'?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *What do you mean by him being "financially unfaithful'?*_Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, MattMatt. I was kind of wondering that myself. What does the guy do, take his paycheck and head to a casino or something? Play the ponies? Buy useless stuff? Invest in junk bonds? Pay off bills for other relatives? Expensive hobbies? Wish she was a little more descriptive. In any case, it doesn't justify cheating on the guy. Oh, these wonderful *sigh* workplace romances!  Of course, she hasn't lived with Mr. Wonderful...yet. I'm sure he has his warts and foibles, but she isn't aware of them...yet. Is he a slob at home? Leaves his clothes scattered all over the house? Never washes his dishes? Leaves the toilet seat up? Try living with him for awhile. She'll soon discover that he's not always going to be the knight in shining armor on a white horse rescuing her from her worthless, shiftless, uncaring, uncommunicative husband. Soon as she gets together with him, she'll start seeing the other face that everyone has. He'll end his good-guy masquerade and she'll see that he's just another guy...nuthin' special about him. Or maybe she'll wise up and take another look at the guy she's married to and discover he's not so bad after all.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

it should be him disgusted to touch her, not the other way around. 

If he makes her cringe, get a divorce. He shouldn't. Clearly the issue is on her for stepping out in the first place, then trying to reconcile while not giving him a chance to even though it should be his decision.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mis.behavin, to answer your question, no. It isn't normal, when you are trying to repair your marriage, to cringe when he touches you, nor to cry. You said it yourself... you are still in love with the other guy. Until THAT is gone, compketely, there is no way you can truly say you are trying to fix your marriage. Honestly, you may not be able to, as long as he is still even remotely in the picture. 

Now, how long was your EA going on? How long ago did it end? How long have you been in MC? 

Chances are your husband has ALWAYS done this sort of thing. It bothers you now because you have this "ideal" man you are still pining for. Your marriage cannot work unless you completely put the work into it, not fostering these feelings for the other guy.

As was asked above, how has he been financially unfaithful? And, are you 100% CERTAIN you have not exaggerated this because of your EA? I know I exaggerated some things at that time. And, if it IS true, has it been brought to his attention? Is HE trying to improve things he has done wrong? 

Also, you didn't actually say your husband knows about the EA. Does he? If so, what was his raaction?

I'm going to level with you. Coming from one who also had an EA, no, your behavior as described in your OP is NOT normal when you truly want to fix your marriage. Right now, your husband is still fighting against the OM. And it isn't a fair fight. If you want it to work, you have to give up the OM... everything about him. 

As for the comments like "I can't believe your husband still wants to even touch you after you betrayed him"... tg, you still touch your wife, do you not? Your comment was uncalled for. There are MANY here who do not see EA "as bad as" PA, and you know it. 

DURING the EA, I DID cringe at his touch. Once we decided to work on our marriage, I did not. 100% went into the marriage, 0% to the OM. As long as any amount over 0% is going to OM, then, mis.behavin, you are NOT really trying. Period.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

If you had an affair, I'd tell him to dump you and move on, so I have nothing to add.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Financially unfaithful...like in spending money on strippers?? Don't get it...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey MisB---this one is real simple-----go get a D----then you can see how your lover's finances handle your situation, and if he wants to take care of your kids

You may be ready to be finished with your mge-----but the guy you are cheating with is himself a HOMEWRECKER---so you are just gonna jump from one sinking ship to another----

If you need to end your miserable married life----THEN DO SO----and move on when you are FREE


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What does "financially unfaithful" mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Issues with touching after EA*



catfan said:


> Financially unfaithful...like in spending money on strippers?? Don't get it...


That's what I would like to know, too. Or hiding money or something along that line? Still, I'd rather get clarification before I would tell her to get a divorce over her EA.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So what you are saying is your husband is awful and deserved to have his wife go fall in love with someone else. He also deserves to have a wife that is repulsed by his very touch, who only stays with him because it would be an inconvenience to her financially. Which goes back to wondering what "financially unfaithful" means, if it means he is irresponsible with the money then you would think leaving him would be at least the same if not a bit better for you financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey MisB---this one is real simple-----go get a D----then you can see how your lover's finances handle your situation, and if he wants to take care of your kids
> 
> You may be ready to be finished with your mge-----but the guy you are cheating with is himself a HOMEWRECKER---so you are just gonna jump from one sinking ship to another----
> 
> If you need to end your miserable married life----THEN DO SO----and move on when you are FREE




I agree....As I have posted ...I personally talked to and e-mailed approx-15 WWs as well as talked to my EXWW before D...MOst said they were HAPPY in their marriages...BUT NOT one gave me and VALID reason for cheating...Justifications ,yes...but none had a solid reason...

.I TRULY think thats what affects most MEN here so strongly and hits us so hard...WE were doing everything we think is right ...had a good sex life..They wanted for nothing and this happens to us ...and THEY CANNOT OR WILL SAY WHY...REALLY WHY and we are left lost...


If im wrong pls comment ....

The worst is we will never know...

The worst is that most said they felt horriably guilty and felt pain for what their BHs were going through ...BUT NOT SO MUCH FOR THE A...only the fallout.

YOUR REASON IS THE WORST IVE COME ACROSS...

My hope is he Divorces you as soon as possiable and you and see how your lover takes care of you..

Jesus Christ the logic of WSs never cease to amaze me..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Right now your emotionally bonded to your ap. What you have with your ap is infatuation, or romantic love. What love you are describing is that. With your ap, you don't have the mature love that comes with experience. You haven't gone down difficcult situations, and come out the other end. You don't see him at his worst. There hasn't been the experience of trust.

While this is going on, you can't see the picture clearly, because your viewing your situation from the emotional high of your ea. 

Until you get level headed, your perception is going be screwed up. 

Like if your going through depression, things seem more dire than it really is. Your emotional state affects that perception.

Who knows, maybe you did lose love for your husband. 

Maybe your husband isn't emotionally mature, or responsible. From what you describe, he sounds like it. 

Right now the infatuation stage that you are at is like an addiction, and it needs to run its course. 

With your ap, you attributed him with only positive qualities. But he is willing to break-up a family to get he wants. Most ap that are men, once done with the wife, will reject her.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Could the stoning please wait until AFTER she gives clarification for her ONLY post? I just LOVE the vitriol of some posts, when the rest isn't even known.

Ftr, badkarma, there are no REASONS, only excuses, as you know. Even I, a fWW, acknowledge that. No, mine didn't "do everything right". He was emotionally and psychologically unable to do everything "right". Still doesn't excuse my EA. Fortunately, we were able to fix our marriage.

Now, could we PLEASE, at least PRETEND we want to help her fix her marriage?


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> it should be him disgusted to touch her, not the other way around.
> 
> If he makes her cringe, get a divorce. He shouldn't. Clearly the issue is on her for stepping out in the first place, then trying to reconcile while not giving him a chance to even though it should be his decision.


 ...again, you can make me all the S*&T sandwiches you want too...DOES NOT mean im going to eat them....

I Could care less if you cringe...if you are in a fog or what your F#%KING unmet needs are...YOU CHEATED...YOU LIED AN BETRAYED YOUR HUSBAND...LEAVE NOW...or continue to be the lying cake eater you are..


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP, your cringing and disdain for your husband's touch is completely natural because you are in lust with someone else. You once felt this way about your H, back when everything was roses and sunshine, and the touch of the now EAP, would have made you cringe back then. The unnatural part is how you have now decided to discard your first "love" and focus on your new "love".

You are quick to point out your H's flaws and shortcomings but has he ever tried to destroy another man's family? If not, then he is already one up on your new beau. You may find more characteristics about this EAP that you dislike if your marriage fails and you get to spend a lot more time with him.

You know how when one of your kids picks a certain toy or candy and then shortly thereafter wants something different and you say "you chose now deal with it". Well, look in the mirror and say that to yourself, then purpose in your heart to put away your childish desires and strive to regain the feelings you once had for your H. You are a wife and a mother so isn't it time you act like one.

Get your H into therapy or counseling or to your priest or minister and deal with the "financial unfaithfulness" whatever that is, like an adult. As an adult, you owe it to your family and your honor to exhaust every possible avenue of repair before you bail on the marriage including letting those feelings for the EAP go immediately.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

Hi, my husband recently had an emotional affair with a woman from his work. While I'd like to tell you something positive, there really isn't one positive thing about what you've done to him. You said you were still in love with your OM so it's not fair at all to your husband for you to stay with him. 

Also, I'm not sure why you would be crying when he touches you, it should be the other way around. I wouldn't let my husband touch me nor would I touch him for about a week after I found out. You're lucky he's not already leaving you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you are completely justified in being emotionally unfaithful due to your husband's financial unfaithfullness. He is just going to have to understand that you cannot control your feelings and that he is 100% to blame here. You obviously can't quit your job so he'll just have to put up with your daily contact with your boyfriend and he'll have to get used to your feelings of discust when he touches you. Once he accepts all the blame and realizes what he must put up with, I think everything will be just fine.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I just LOVE how some seem to enjoy jumping onto a thread because they THINK the OP is saying one thing and that cannot be confirmed unless/until she does post again. IF she posts again. How about actually posting something helpful, rather than sarcasm and sniping?


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> That's what I would like to know, too. Or hiding money or something along that line? Still, I'd rather get clarification before I would tell her to get a divorce over her EA.



Why?

Let's say her husband gambled away the house payment.

Her cheating + his gambling = just another reason to get divorced.

Cheating alone easily meets the threshold for reasons people should divorce.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> I think you are completely justified in being emotionally unfaithful due to your husband's financial unfaithfullness. He is just going to have to understand that you cannot control your feelings and that he is 100% to blame here. You obviously can't quit your job so he'll just have to put up with your daily contact with your boyfriend and he'll have to get used to your feelings of discust when he touches you. Once he accepts all the blame and realizes what he must put up with, I think everything will be just fine.




?????


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Issues with touching after EA*



wmn1 said:


> ?????


Sarcasm


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Issues with touching after EA*



TimeHeals said:


> Why?
> 
> Let's say her husband gambled away the house payment.
> 
> ...


Glad my husband and I don't agree with your reasoning. 

I, as well as others, asked for clarification on the "financially unfaithful" meaning FROM HER, so we have an idea what she means by that. She could mean that he was buying a higher priced car when a lower priced would have been more than adequate, thus wasting money. OR, he could have a, psychological disorder and is very compulsive... and may be getting treatment for it now. But during the times he wasn't, may have over spent or whatever. Not worth DIVORCING over if you can work it out!

Same with her EA. If she came clean to him (not clear from the OP), and he chose reconciliation, who are we to say he is wrong for HIS choice? Now, if she has NOT been honest with him about the EA, and still isn't being honest with him, then I would agree with you. Again, it's NOT clear from the OP. 

Even so, if my husband were to tell me today that he's been having an EA, even after we have gone through R because we BOTH did 3 years ago, I wouldn't divorce him over it. PA, however, might be a different story. And he and I both see PA as FAR worse than EA... for OUR marriage. That very well may be the case with the OP. Who am I to tell ANYONE that one is worse than another, for them? Who am I to tell someone that they ought to divorce because they got emotionally involved with someone else? Until she gives more information, I won't suggest divorce. I WILL, however, suggest that she find a different job so she has ZERO contact with OM. But right now, I stand by my previous posts.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, if she returns. I would say wait until her life evens out, and her thoughts are level.

She is still in the infatuation stage. Who knows, her ea is wrong, and she can own that. She can still ask for his forgiveness, and she might still leave him anyways.

Even if she owns all her issues, and her husband is still making bad financial decision that affects the whole family negatively, then I would tell her to separate and make sure her end of the finances in are in order. 

I would then suggest school, or something that can help improve her lot in life. 

Hopefully she sees an ic, and finds a better way of coping rather than cheating.

She still may have to leave him for the best for her and the children. Leaving him may bring stability, if he remains the source of it. 

Would people be protective of him if he lost everything, and they ended on the streets. Especially something that he personally can prevent.

Until we know more it is hard to say.

There are so many ifs.


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## mis.behavin (Nov 8, 2014)

Thanks to the wonderful people for the helpful replies. By financially unfaithful, he spends large amounts of money without asking me if it's ok. When I did ask him about a watch he had bought recently, he then lied about it and said it was "old" when it was in a fact a new and expensive watch. He's a shopaholic, and I have been enabling this and other poor behavior for years....

He quit his job before the EA really kind of started, even though I told him not to...leaving the burden of supporting me and the kids all on my shoulders and I knew I was getting to close to my coworker and needed to back off, but I was so mad about him quitting even after I told him not to...think that's why I didn't care any more about my marriage by then....

This is the 5th time in our long marriage that he has been unemployed. And even though he wasnt working he's lazy and will not help me around the house. The major burden of raising the kids has always been my job, he's barely take an interest in them...even though he's really only willing to accept working on the marriage for them....

I am not proud of what I have done, however I am working on myself and trying to make sense of the whole thing and the years of my marriage. 

Now due to circumstances I barely have any contact with my coworker, and I also realized my addiction....But I told my husband to not quit his job because things with the company did not look good, and sure enough shortly after he willingly quit his job, my hours got reduced to barely hardly any hours each month....with 2 kids to support.

So and to top things off, regardless of if I try to be funny or regardless of what kind of comments I make to my husband, he gets crappy with me....I can say something pleasant, he gets crappy. If I say something funny, he gets cranky - and this was and has been going since before the breakdown of the marriage. I have been walking on eggshells for years.....and it's only since the total breakdown of the marriage that I can see some of the patterns that we have been going through for years.....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, so, my question to you is why haven't you gone to look for a different job? Something that pays more, has more hours available, and most importantly, away from the OM? You didn't answer, I noticed, whether your husband even knows about the EA... Does he? No, it wasn't right that he quit his job, knowing how much it would strain your finances, more than they already were. But I think you might realize now, that your reaction to that was wrong. I hope you do, anyway.

Honestly, regarding the childcare and being the one who takes care of everything... I could have written everything you did, myself. I have done it for years, and still do. Mine is minimally involved, unless it's "fun stuff". Sub in "emotionally unavailable" for "financially unfaithful" and switch in online instead of coworker, and you have pretty much my situation a few years ago. Sure, I still am the only one with any income. I still take care of all the things the kids need. But I still put 100% into the marriage, and 0% to the OM. Honestly, from the description above, I don't think you really WANT to work things out with your husband. I could really feel the disdain in your post. You have all the income. I don't understand why you feel it is impossible to separate. You already take care of everything else. How will it be worse if he is gone? That makes no sense.

Honestly... I am starting to agree with those who I argued with yesterday. Your husband is currently being tortured. You don't love him as you should. You don't speak of him as a loving wife should. So... why are you wanting to stay married to him?

Wait... does OM know ALL about your problems? Did he back awsy, himself? Seriously, something is not right here... aside from the EA, I mean.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to work on yourself. You have anger issues with your husband for being irresponsible to you and your family. You need to get a babysitter and spend a talking night alone with him. You need to be clear about your disappointments to him which include his spending habits. On the other hand, have family goals to discuss with him, so that some positive outcomes can come out of this discussion. It is imperative that you do not engage with other men in any type of affair when you are trying to address the issues of your marriage.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

are you staying for the children? 

If you want to see if your husband can change or not, then get a separation. 

During separation, get some counseling for the both of you, if he doesn't work on his issues, then you know the marriage is over. 

If he can't improve himself, then you can be assured that he won't work on the marriage. 

There is nothing you can do to fix him, nor should it be your job.

If you want to date other men, at least get the divorce started first, or a better option, is to work on you.

Working on you first will help you figure things out, and you can bring a healthy you to another relationship. 

Do you have anger and resentment issues that you need to work on? How about communication skills? I know you can work on boundaries.


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## mis.behavin (Nov 8, 2014)

Actually you can also throw emotionally unavailable into the whole picture as well.....

I am looking for more work but after the marriage exploded, and yes he does know about the EA and that we still work together....but after that I was totally at rock bottom for months....

I am currently only working on myself and trying to get myself back on track...trying to become financially independent or at least try and get some kind of savings together for myself....because just when things start to appear better financially I think he does things in order to get us from getting ahead...and I'm not sure why????

I have made my getting back together with my H that he gets councelling and a new job. He is currently working on it....and will hopefully accept one in another city, which means we will also be more physically separated than atm....

But I don't know any more than that....I just wish I wouldn't cry whenever he touches or holds me....and for many reasons I think I am nuts for giving him a second chance....so yeah, it is only for the sake of the kids


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What kind of work did he do? What excuse did he give for giving up the job? It's astounding to me that a man -- a father -- with a spending addiction would give up a job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mis.behavin said:


> Thanks to the wonderful people for the helpful replies. By financially unfaithful, he spends large amounts of money without asking me if it's ok. When I did ask him about a watch he had bought recently, he then lied about it and said it was "old" when it was in a fact a new and expensive watch. He's a shopaholic, and I have been enabling this and other poor behavior for years....
> 
> He quit his job before the EA really kind of started, even though I told him not to...leaving the burden of supporting me and the kids all on my shoulders and I knew I was getting to close to my coworker and needed to back off, but I was so mad about him quitting even after I told him not to...think that's why I didn't care any more about my marriage by then....
> 
> ...


An affair? You don't need an affair. You need a divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I still don't get it.....

You fell for another man and yet you are giving your husband a second chance. 

You had other options and you choose the worst one.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I would get a separation, and get separate accounts. Yes, you should not have cheated, and you probably should have left your husband. A cardboard cutout could of done a better job. At least the cutout would not have spent any money. 

Why should she beg him back, when he is a negative in the marriage? 

He doesn't help with kids, he doesn't help with house work, he doesn't help with bills.

I say that he is reliant on her. 

If you look past the cheating, you would see that she picked a terrible husband. 

If he told her to walk right now, he would be financially screwed. He wouldn't have a place to live. Not without an income.

It would be easier for her to ove on to a better situation. If she reconciled with him, he would be a financial drain on her.

Misbehaving, tell your husband that you cheated, and ask for his forgiveness. Then get a separation. 

Get some counseling for your issues. I

If you get a separation, is there anyone whom you can seek as a room mate? Anyone to help relieve your financial burden. 

Also build a social network to find a better job.

This advice and opinion is based on the information given.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I'm still trying to figure out how an EA was in any way helpful to your failing marriage.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

My take is her cringing and disdain for her old man started long before her EM as its called. Her romantic interest in him was gone leaving room for the OM to enter the picture.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK here are my observations:

Firstly, "financially unfaithful" or whatever you called it is a strange term. He is irresponsible - with money, with jobs etc - and relies on you to support him. This is bad and you should deal with this as one (separate) serious issue. He needs to understand that you will not be a financial crutch for him - he needs to step up else he needs to experience real repercussions (action rather than words) in the form of filing for divorce etc.

Secondly, you also seem to be scraping up anything and everything you can find to justify your affair which is simply wrong! Emotionally unavailable, being crappy with you when you are trying to be funny etc are no reasons to cheat. And it sounds like you have gone ahead and cheated and given your heart to someone else without dealing with your marriage first - one way or another. Accept that this is as wrong as (if not worse than) what your husband has done.

You have zero chances of doing anything constructive while you are still "in love" with the other guy. I take it he knows that you are married ? And still went ahead with the EA ? What kind of person does that make him ? And I am hoping that he is not married also ? Else what kind of people does that make him and you, both ?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Issues with touching after EA*



Yeswecan said:


> I'm still trying to figure out how an EA was in any way helpful to your failing marriage.


It wasn't. About the only thing it could possibly have done to "help" is showing that there was, indeed, something wrong. But that's it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm still trying to figure out how an EA was in any way helpful to your failing marriage.


There's a lot of discussion about the fog, evolution of attraction, chemical mixes in the brain causing a woman to go bonkers over a guy etc. 

Consider this. Emotional/Romantic rejection by the spouse appears to trigger a response in the caudate nucleus of the brain, and associated dopamine and cortisol activity. Inverse of the feeling euphoria purportedly experienced in a fog, the rejected spouse experiences a range of negative emotions helping to drive them into the arms of another to counter these negative and painful emotions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> There's a lot of discussion about the fog, evolution of attraction, chemical mixes in the brain causing a woman to go bonkers over a guy etc.
> 
> Consider this. Emotional/Romantic rejection by the spouse appears to trigger a response in the caudate nucleus of the brain, and associated dopamine and cortisol activity. Inverse of the feeling euphoria purportedly experienced in a fog, the rejected spouse experiences a range of negative emotions helping to drive them into the arms of another to counter these negative and painful emotions.


Like: "Hah! I'll teach you! I'll have an affair!" kind of thinking.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

More like, "he doesn't want me so need to prove someone does."


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

You guys have a lot of issues going on. First off, you seem to be justifying your EA by pointing out all the bad things your husband does. I'm not saying he's a saint, but you have to understand that whatever he has done and whatever he may be does not give you an excuse to cheat. You don't seem remorseful at all, and if you were my wife and acted the way you seem to be acting, I wouldn't be terribly excited to be with you either. 
You said you were in MC. This is a complete and utter waste of time, since you are still in contact with OM. Quit now and save that money for the divorce. If you were truly remorseful and cared about saving the marriage, you would have dumped this job, especially since you're not getting any hours anyway.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

I think the question everyone here is not really picking up on is what does the OP really want to do. I can understand all the hate and discontent for this situation but I don't see a plan or expectation in place or effect. 

He buys stuff on a whim, consequences be damned, yet you yourself enabled him to do so, your words. He just up and quite his job, a very irresponsible act that did put pressure on you to support the family. Did you challenge this, set a precedent for a standard of living, or, maybe, talk about it?

Relocating for his employment is not going to make the problems go away, nor is seeing an MC right now, despite the OM still being around, you also have to contend that MC's do not go pro bono, so another financial stressor is present at the moment. You don't need a third party to point and tell you all are doing it wrong, especially if it continues and all involved expect different results.

So, today, or whenever, hopefully soon, ask yourself what you want and then when you figure it out ask your Husband what he wants. Express your idea's, give them time to imprint on yourselves and then proceed from there. There are only 2 choices with variable paths that lead to the same place; Together or Divorced, and often they intertwine or look similar.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

mis.behavin said:


> Thanks to the wonderful people for the helpful replies. By financially unfaithful, he spends large amounts of money without asking me if it's ok. When I did ask him about a watch he had bought recently, he then lied about it and said it was "old" when it was in a fact a new and expensive watch. He's a shopaholic, and I have been enabling this and other poor behavior for years....
> 
> 
> This is the 5th time in our long marriage that he has been unemployed. And even though he wasnt working he's lazy and will not help me around the house. The major burden of raising the kids has always been my job, he's barely take an interest in them...even though he's really only willing to accept working on the marriage for them....
> ...


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Um, why would she quit, when she is the only source of income? 

Mc is a waste of time till they both work on their issues. 

She has pretty much lost respect for him, and looking at the situation I really can't blame her. 

If she quits, then they would be homeless.

He can't hold a job. He constanly quits them. 

Right now she is living like a single mother, with her husband as another child.

She is working, and feeding him, and the other kids. Sure infidelity is wrong, and she should get a separation. 

She would be better off financially. 

Maybe he can move back home where his parents can take care of him, so he doesn't have to work.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Pault said:


> mis.behavin said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks to the wonderful people for the helpful replies. By financially unfaithful, he spends large amounts of money without asking me if it's ok. When I did ask him about a watch he had bought recently, he then lied about it and said it was "old" when it was in a fact a new and expensive watch. He's a shopaholic, and I have been enabling this and other poor behavior for years....
> ...


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok, so you use the term financially "unfaithful" as a justification for you being "unfaithful". Got it.

Ok, so now the question is, and I may have missed it, have you come clean about your EA to your husband?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Issues with touching after EA*



vellocet said:


> Ok, so you use the term financially "unfaithful" as a justification for you being "unfaithful". Got it.
> 
> Ok, so now the question is, and I may have missed it, have you come clean about your EA to your husband?


She did say that he does know about it. That she is still in an environment where she can be in contact with OM boggles my mind. But then, my husband decided to try to strike up a conversation with my former OM a couple months ago, so idk.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> She did say that he does know about it. That she is still in an environment where she can be in contact with OM boggles my mind. But then, my husband decided to try to strike up a conversation with my former OM a couple months ago, so idk.


I ain't justifying her disposition but if indeed she is telling the truth and he as of now has no income and hers is the only at the moment then the lesser of 2 evils must be utilized. I suppose it is dangerous and maybe stupid for an alcoholic to work at a liquor store but when children need to eat and a place to live then certain priorities must take precedence. It sucks but they didn't ask to be born let alone in the middle of a marital conflict via infidelity. Hopefully they are both making efforts to do what is needed to make the situation better. Time will tell.


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