# For the BH - “Other Men” Explain Their Affairs



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

UBT: “Other Men” Explain Their Affairs

December 2, 2015 by Chump Lady

I found this obnoxious piece of dreck “17 ‘Other Men’ Explain What It’s Like To Have An Affair With A Married Woman” by Jessica Winters because it was linked to Chump Lady. (Item #4) A clever piece of click bait, it’s simply an aggregate of whinging Other Men found on Reddit and elsewhere. Why “Thought Catalog” thought to include a byline baffles me. Guess it must be that New Journalism I’m too old to understand. (Back in the day, Jessica, we had to write actual stories to get a byline!)

Anywho, the Universal Bullsh!t Translator thought it would take a crack at the sorrow of Other Men. But only 7 of the 17. (Even the UBT has its limits.)

1. IT’S THE BEST SEX I’VE EVER HAD
“I’m a 30-year-old single male and I have been having an affair with a married woman, aged 32. She said the life went out of her marriage a long time ago but she hasn’t left her husband. I don’t love her but it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. Is it her, or the illicitness of the situation? I think I’m addicted to it. My friends are settling down but I’m happy with this—is there something wrong with my attitude to love and sex?”

Yes.

Oh, right, the UBT translation.

I can’t get it up unless I’m f**king another man’s wife. Does that make me a *********? No! It was THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD! And that makes everything okay! ThoughtCatalog could run an article about me ****ing endangered rhinoceros, but as long as it’s the BEST SEX I EVER HAD, I get a pass!

I had lovely orgasms, and isn’t that what really matters?


(read the rest here)


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

From the source article-


“I’m 28 years old and I work for a big construction company, within the company we have different jobs like I’m a carpenter, there is another guy who works for the company too but he’s a plumber. I happened to meet his wife at a friend’s party, she was there with a friend and I approached her and we talked for a while, then I looked her up on FB and added her and this is how we started communicating basically, eventually we went out a couple of times and we’ve been having sex for the last 8 months or so….Yesterday she called me to tell me that her husband found out about our affair and he knows who I am and said that I will pay for it. Now I’m 3 hours away visiting my sister but on Monday I’m going back to work and I really don’t want any problem nor drama.”


They're a real charming bunch aren't they? :slap:


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Kobold said:


> From the source article-
> 
> 
> “I’m 28 years old and I work for a big construction company, within the company we have different jobs like I’m a carpenter, there is another guy who works for the company too but he’s a plumber. I happened to meet his wife at a friend’s party, she was there with a friend and I approached her and we talked for a while, then I looked her up on FB and added her and this is how we started communicating basically, eventually we went out a couple of times and we’ve been having sex for the last 8 months or so….Yesterday she called me to tell me that her husband found out about our affair and he knows who I am and said that I will pay for it. Now I’m 3 hours away visiting my sister but on Monday I’m going back to work and I really don’t want any problem nor drama.”
> ...


Quite charming and honorable - 

These guys are truly the bottom of the barrel - scumb*gs...


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Kobold said:


> From the source article-
> 
> 
> “I’m 28 years old and I work for a big construction company, within the company we have different jobs like I’m a carpenter, there is another guy who works for the company too but he’s a plumber. I happened to meet his wife at a friend’s party, she was there with a friend and I approached her and we talked for a while, then I looked her up on FB and added her and this is how we started communicating basically, eventually we went out a couple of times and we’ve been having sex for the last 8 months or so….Yesterday she called me to tell me that her husband found out about our affair and he knows who I am and said that I will pay for it. Now I’m 3 hours away visiting my sister but on Monday I’m going back to work and I really don’t want any problem nor drama.”
> ...



yes 2 POS. I hope the husband crushes him and then dumps her ass and puts her on food stamps


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> UBT: “Other Men” Explain Their Affairs
> 
> December 2, 2015 by Chump Lady
> 
> ...



I love the Chumplady


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

This is just another way that cheating is becoming more acceptable. 

I don't know if it's just around here, or maybe even coming out with the younger generation but it is being touted as acceptable and "the norm" these days.

When I had my Fb, several men my age would post pictures and statuses of things that had to do with their "side chic" or talk about wanting to be a "side n*gga" (apologies for the N word, I don't like or condone that word, posting it only in context of how it's used)

There are memes about it, songs about it, videos, etc. A friend and I had a discussion about it about 6 months ago. How women boast about being the "side b*tch", guys will hit on women offering to be their "side n*gga". It's disgusting really. 

I've even seen men joke that their girlfriends "side dude" gave her money and they bought food with it.

Cheating is becoming normalized and it's really scary to see how far it will come when even my 14 year old is mature enough for a real relationship. By then, people will be expected to have another one on the side with no repurcussions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

That is odd, I have almost 300 friends (male and female) on my FB and never come across guys doing this. 

I guess it is because I only accept a friend request if I know the person personally and for at least a year or two. i think people ought to be more selective in choosing their 'cyberfriends.' If that did happen I would block them immediately.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> This is just another way that cheating is becoming more acceptable.
> 
> I don't know if it's just around here, or maybe even coming out with the younger generation but it is being touted as acceptable and "the norm" these days.
> 
> ...




I'm not thinking that infidelity would be considered normal, but I do believe people don't hold a high value to marriage. If it doesn't work or it becomes difficult, we'll just get a divorce. I don't think the people getting married understand the challenges that come with marriage. When you don't understand what marriage entails then both spouses become vulnerable to affairs. it almost seems that if marriage gets difficult, OM's spouse quits and seeks a relationship before their divorce is final. 

As for Facebook, I am sort of shocked by how many affairs start by talking to old friends. I have reconnected with many females I went to school with, not one interaction has been inappropriate. Most are happily married and I share in their enthusiasm for their marriage. I think it's great to see couples celebrating however many years married. I'm probably just too old fashioned and that is how I will raise my boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> I love the Chumplady


so do I -I like her attitude :grin2:


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> *This is just another way that cheating is becoming more acceptable*.
> 
> I don't know if it's just around here, or maybe even coming out with the younger generation but it is being touted as acceptable and "the norm" these days.
> 
> ...


I think people just become numb to it - since it is everywhere - in the popular culture, in our own lives, etc...well they remain numb until it happens to them - then it hurts like hell..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I think people just become numb to it - since it is everywhere - in the popular culture, in our own lives, etc...well they remain numb until it happens to them - then it hurts like hell..



To take this a little further, I believe most people view infidelity is wrong, even though it is in the mainstream. Even in movies people think it's wrong, they laugh at Hollywood marriages as they are so short, but infidelity hasn't happened to that person yet. And as you said then it hurts like hell. So even though we see infidelity quite often if doesn't necessarily say we will think of it as the new norm. We see murders and criminal acts just as much but I wouldn't think we see that as a new norm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> To take this a little further, I believe most people view infidelity is wrong, even though it is in the mainstream. Even in movies people think it's wrong, they laugh at Hollywood marriages as they are so short, but infidelity hasn't happened to that person yet. And as you said then it hurts like hell. So even though we see infidelity quite often if doesn't necessarily say we will think of it as the new norm. We see murders and criminal acts just as much but I wouldn't think we see that as a new norm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think overexposure to infidelity makes people numb and it fails to shock but people do know its wrong - you are right - no one wants an unfaithful partner - well no sane person :smile2:


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> To take this a little further, I believe most people view infidelity is wrong, even though it is in the mainstream. Even in movies people think it's wrong, they laugh at Hollywood marriages as they are so short, but infidelity hasn't happened to that person yet. And as you said then it hurts like hell. So even though we see infidelity quite often if doesn't necessarily say we will think of it as the new norm. We see murders and criminal acts just as much but I wouldn't think we see that as a new norm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. It is also why so few people are in 'open relationships'. Because infidelity is viewed as wrong and most can't stomach such a thing


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> I agree. It is also why so few people are in 'open relationships'. Because infidelity is viewed as wrong and *most can't stomach such a thing*


but many do it anyway - go figure....I find it interesting when a WS fresh off of cheating worries if they will get cheated on - I want to ask did you think about how it would feel to get cheated on while you were f**king your lover?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Kobold said:


> From the source article-
> 
> 
> “I’m 28 years old and I work for a big construction company, within the company we have different jobs like I’m a carpenter, there is another guy who works for the company too but he’s a plumber. I happened to meet his wife at a friend’s party, she was there with a friend and I approached her and we talked for a while, then I looked her up on FB and added her and this is how we started communicating basically, eventually we went out a couple of times and we’ve been having sex for the last 8 months or so….Yesterday she called me to tell me that her husband found out about our affair and he knows who I am and said that I will pay for it. Now I’m 3 hours away visiting my sister but on Monday I’m going back to work and I really don’t want any problem nor drama.”
> ...


At some business (not mine) anyone that did such a thing would find themselves slowly running out of work. I call it the "slow Kill"...gradually over a quarter you reduce their hours to the point that they can't support themselves....while at the same time making sure they are never at a project that would afford them travel/per Diem/Bonuses.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I don't think it's something that will ever go away. It's been going on for longer than many of us have been alive. I think the difference these days is that divorce IS so commonplace. I don't think a lot of people know how to fight for their marriage any more in many aspects. Not that someone who is cheated on or abused shouldn't have the option to leave, that's not what I mean. But if you pay attention to WHY people get divorced these days, the reasons are so simple. The words 'til death do us part' don't mean much any more. I can say that even in my first marriage, I didn't take that part too seriously, there wasn't much of anything that could have made me stay. This time around, I would be willing to fight through anything (other than physical abuse). Marriage is looked at as something you can just throw away. I remember a supplier of mine coming in to my work and he was telling us about his impending divorce. We asked him what happened and he said, "apparently, I leave a mess of sugar on the counter when I make my coffee in the morning and she can't take it any more". He said that was literally the only reason she gave him.

People don't go into marriages with the same ideals as they did just 50 years ago. It's almost like "eh, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work". 

When you add into it the fact that cheating is becoming more mainstream in the media, in songs, etc., I think it clouds the vision of what relationships should be. People go into them thinking "everyone cheats" because it's so prevalent in our day to day lives, on TV, social media, music. People unconsciously start to think it's normal. 

Almost everyone I know has either been cheated on or has cheated themselves. If they haven't, someone very close to them has. It's almost like it's no longer even taboo. People still know it's bad, and you shouldn't do it, but when it's done, most people react with a blasé attitude towards it. Not the betrayed, but friends and family. 

I know this is hypocritical of me to say, being a WS myself, but I hate it. I hate what I did and I wish I had never done it. I'll probably spend the rest of my life encouraging all people I know to never make that mistake, to fight for their marriages, to try to be better spouses in all ways. The fact that so many people seem indifferent to it does bother me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> At some business (not mine) anyone that did such a thing would find themselves slowly running out of work. I call it the "slow Kill"...gradually over a quarter you reduce their hours to the point that they can't support themselves....while at the same time making sure they are never at a project that would afford them travel/per Diem/Bonuses.


I like that...this contractor should suffer and I do hope the H made him pay and pay dearly....at the same time he also has ot look at his wife and say she willingly went a long ad was FB seduced by a virtual stranger...imagine hitching your wagon to her - she was obviously ripe for this...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I don't think it's something that will ever go away. It's been going on for longer than many of us have been alive. I think the difference these days is that divorce IS so commonplace. I don't think a lot of people know how to fight for their marriage any more in many aspects. Not that someone who is cheated on or abused shouldn't have the option to leave, that's not what I mean. But if you pay attention to WHY people get divorced these days, the reasons are so simple. The words 'til death do us part' don't mean much any more. I can say that even in my first marriage, I didn't take that part too seriously, there wasn't much of anything that could have made me stay. This time around, I would be willing to fight through anything (other than physical abuse). Marriage is looked at as something you can just throw away. *I remember a supplier of mine coming in to my work and he was telling us about his impending divorce. We asked him what happened and he said, "apparently, I leave a mess of sugar on the counter when I make my coffee in the morning and she can't take it any more". He said that was literally the only reason she gave him*.
> 
> People don't go into marriages with the same ideals as they did just 50 years ago. It's almost like "eh, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work".
> 
> ...


He was either lying or his wife definitely had another man lined up..if not then his wife is insane...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> He was either lying or his wife definitely had another man lined up..if not then his wife is insane...


Has to be something else...

I mean what would the punishment be for tracking mud in the house???

Stabbing?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I don't think it's something that will ever go away. It's been going on for longer than many of us have been alive. I think the difference these days is that divorce IS so commonplace. I don't think a lot of people know how to fight for their marriage any more in many aspects. Not that someone who is cheated on or abused shouldn't have the option to leave, that's not what I mean. But if you pay attention to WHY people get divorced these days, the reasons are so simple. The words 'til death do us part' don't mean much any more. I can say that even in my first marriage, I didn't take that part too seriously, there wasn't much of anything that could have made me stay. This time around, I would be willing to fight through anything (other than physical abuse). Marriage is looked at as something you can just throw away. I remember a supplier of mine coming in to my work and he was telling us about his impending divorce. We asked him what happened and he said, "apparently, I leave a mess of sugar on the counter when I make my coffee in the morning and she can't take it any more". He said that was literally the only reason she gave him.
> 
> People don't go into marriages with the same ideals as they did just 50 years ago. It's almost like "eh, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work".
> 
> ...




Losinghim

I'm sorry your first marriage was marred with physical abuse, in my opinion nobody should have to suffer through that. I'm happy you had the strength to leave that situation. This is where I become confused, your second marriage had to be so much better then the first, and you cheated on him. I'm not trying to be mean or pick on you, I'm simply trying to understand. Have you had therapy and covered the topic that maybe subconsciously you have a resentment to men for being physically abused. I know you will not see this as an excuse, you have owned your affair. But I'm curious as to if you have some resentment. 

I also understand I have called you out on being remorseful, and I do believe you have reached this point. However, at the same time you have to forgive yourself, you have to love yourself, and you have to respect yourself. To continue to beat yourself up over this is counterproductive. You don't have to be happy about it, but you have to move forward, you have to figure out why, and then you need to correct those issues. You made a bad choice, my wife did too, but I don't believe either of you are bad people. 

You are paying the consequences of your cheating, a steep price to pay, but that is the consequence. In your next relationship you will be much better prepared, a much better spouse, a much better human being. I have to remind my wife of all the good that she has, how the boys adore her, and that this hard work we are doing may make our marriage better. We have both paid that consequence, our marriage is different now, but it does have the reality of being better then it was before. That is because we are both putting in the effort, we have the same goal, and improving ourselves.

Best of luck to you Losinghim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Has to be something else...
> 
> I mean what would the punishment be for tracking mud in the house???
> 
> Stabbing?


or the punishment for leaving the toilet seat up? death by drowning? >


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> or the punishment for leaving the toilet seat up? death by drowning? >



I was with you on the tracking in mud, but the toilet seat is a whole new can of worms. My wife needs it down, I need it up, so the position it is left in depends on who used the bathroom last. I mean where is it in the manual that the proper placement is down???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Leaving the plunger in the toilet, ok, my wife would then have an argument!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I don't think I resent men so much as I have very often looked for their approval. Somewhat consciously, somewhat unconsciously. I've had a very bad habit of letting men find me attractive be what defines me. For a long time I only felt like a "good person" if someone thought I was attractive. How I ended up equating being attractive equaling being a good person is beyond me. The two certainly don't add up.

I remember a time with my ex husband I was in good enough shape for a bikini competition. I was somewhat muscular, but not manly, I had the body of a fitness model. I was 5'6 127 pounds and 16% body fat. I had the body of a female athlete. (not bragging, trying to paint a visual). We were on vacation in South Beach and we had just gone to the gym that morning. We had done a leg workout and we were sitting on the beach. I stood up to get a beer out of the cooler and he looked at me and said "your legs are still pretty fat". I was a size ZERO! I barely had an ounce of fat on me. I was in tremendous shape, especially for having 2 kids. I remember thinking then, I needed to work harder. So that I could show him that my legs "weren't fat". I ended up at 119 pounds and people started asking me if I had eating disorders. Coworkers would literally corner me to ask if I was "ok". 

On top of the physical abuse, he told me often that I was nothing without him, that the only friends I had were because of him, that if I left him, no one would want me because I had 2 kids, but that I would be able to find plenty of men that just wanted to f*** me. He called me a wh*re often, if he was in the presence of a female acting inappropriately, he would say "AWAS!!!" (reading out the letters). AWAS was code for All Women Are Sl*ts. 

I left that marriage consciously and unconsciously feeling like I would never be anything to a man other than a sl*t. There's barely been a time in my life since then that I've felt 'good enough' for anyone. 

Over time I began to notice too much when men would notice me and I would FEED off that attention. That attention is what validated me. "See?? I'm still attractive!" "See?? I am worth something!" 

I ended up screwing around with a man that obviously knew that I fed into that attention. He was my husbands friend after all, so he'd probably seen the way I'd responded to attention over the years. Put me in that frame of mind, feeling like my husband neglected me, knowing he constantly talked to his ex girlfriend......it was a personal recipe for disaster for me. I fed into that attention, got sucked into that whirlwind.....and made the worst choice of my life.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> or the punishment for leaving the toilet seat up? death by drowning? >


What's the punishment for not putting dirty clothes in the hamper? :surprise:


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> I was with you on the tracking in mud, but the toilet seat is a whole new can of worms. My wife needs it down, I need it up, so the position it is left in depends on who used the bathroom last. *I mean where is it in the manual that the proper placement is down???*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Preach!!!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> What's the punishment for not putting dirty clothes in the hamper? :surprise:


That could get ugly as well..so many reasons to divorce according to your friends wife...

What about drinking milk from the carton? I think that is listed in some states as a reason for a fault divorce....


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> He was either lying or his wife definitely had another man lined up..if not then his wife is insane...


Im not sure if that beats my ex's statement that we were getting divorced because I hate scented candles but she dId have another lined up and she is probably insane at this point haha


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I don't think I resent men so much as I have very often looked for their approval. Somewhat consciously, somewhat unconsciously. I've had a very bad habit of letting men find me attractive be what defines me. For a long time I only felt like a "good person" if someone thought I was attractive. How I ended up equating being attractive equaling being a good person is beyond me. The two certainly don't add up.
> 
> I remember a time with my ex husband I was in good enough shape for a bikini competition. I was somewhat muscular, but not manly, I had the body of a fitness model. I was 5'6 127 pounds and 16% body fat. I had the body of a female athlete. (not bragging, trying to paint a visual). We were on vacation in South Beach and we had just gone to the gym that morning. We had done a leg workout and we were sitting on the beach. I stood up to get a beer out of the cooler and he looked at me and said "your legs are still pretty fat". I was a size ZERO! I barely had an ounce of fat on me. I was in tremendous shape, especially for having 2 kids. I remember thinking then, I needed to work harder. So that I could show him that my legs "weren't fat". I ended up at 119 pounds and people started asking me if I had eating disorders. Coworkers would literally corner me to ask if I was "ok".
> 
> ...




Losinghim

So you suffered through verbal and physical abuse that was inflicted to tear you down as a person. However you had the strength and wisdom to leave that marriage. I believe that damage followed you to your next marriage, and later contributed to your self destruction. I'm not saying it's an excuse, it's not, but I can see you were severely damaged. I won't give you advice about your current marriage except to say you need therapy to fix what's broken inside you. I think you can do this and find peace and happiness. I'm sorry for what you have gone through, it had to be very difficult, but you are strong enough to get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

These men are predatory at best and pathetic on the norm. In all honesty, married people, man or woman, are considerably low hanging fruit for these kinds of people. It doesn't take much to get your foot into the door in regards to garnishing interest, and in time, however long or short, if left unchecked the emotional validation of an improper relationship is well seeded.

Sadly these usually are just harmless relationships that are founded by commonplace or frequent interaction. The most obvious disadvantages to the betrayed chump is the fact all the realities the BS must deal with are absent during these affairs as well as non existent from the affair partner. Financial, marital, homeowner, career, children and even pet responsibilities always, not often, not mostly, not sometimes, but ALWAYS, interfere in a romantic relationship. It's inevitable. The counter to this is well disciplined people knowing how to reinforce personal boundaries around others, themselves, communicate their wants and needs to their partner whilst understanding although they may be heard, there may be nothing that can be done to address said needs and wants due to aspects beyond there control or immediate intervention. 

These men are cowards, and as Beta as you can get with other woman. This does not excuse the woman who decided to employ cheating as a means to cope with being lonely and/or unhappy, nor does it with men. Given today's perception that procuring items and possessions just to work around the clock trying to afford crap you really don't need. How many people really get mad at someone resenting their parents for working around all thru their childhood to provide for them "The better things" in life...... Alas, though, a child that grows up in a poor household can be just as resentful by NOT having enough. See, in either instance the ability to harbor resentment is present. 

Which is why I think modern day marriage totally blows. You may find a small population of couples who are making it work... However I am quite certain that a larger percentage of them also have that "For now" danger. With the ability to self prescribe entitlement and consumerism behavior, It's just not worth it anymore to do so. People nowadays need that lovely high feeling of the "New"..... And it's totally on the user on how long this high lasts... but the damage from the crash impacts so many others. Sometimes irrevocably.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> These men are predatory at best and pathetic on the norm. In all honesty, married people, man or woman, are considerably low hanging fruit for these kinds of people. It doesn't take much to get your foot into the door in regards to garnishing interest, and in time, however long or short, if left unchecked the emotional validation of an improper relationship is well seeded.
> 
> Sadly these usually are just harmless relationships that are founded by commonplace or frequent interaction. The most obvious disadvantages to the betrayed chump is the fact all the realities the BS must deal with are absent during these affairs as well as non existent from the affair partner.* Financial, marital, homeowner, career, children and even pet responsibilities always, not often, not mostly, not sometimes, but ALWAYS, interfere in a romantic relationship.* It's inevitable. The counter to this is well disciplined people knowing how to reinforce personal boundaries around others, themselves, communicate their wants and needs to their partner whilst understanding although they may be heard, there may be nothing that can be done to address said needs and wants due to aspects beyond there control or immediate intervention.
> 
> ...


Yeah its call real f**king life - cheaters dont grasp that so well.."it got so hard that I had to go shag my brains out with someone else" uh huh yeah...they create a fantasy world and its fun - sex with no strings or responsibility - its like Harlequin romance meets bad porn...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'll save everyone some time here...

"I'm an immoral piece of sh*t that enjoys sleeping with married women; specifically, women to whom I am not myself married."

Now repeat that 16 times.

Article done.

Someone send me a royalty check.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> This is just another way that cheating is becoming more acceptable.





drifting on said:


> I'm not thinking that infidelity would be considered normal, but I do believe people don't hold a high value to marriage. If it doesn't work or it becomes difficult, we'll just get a divorce. I don't think the people getting married understand the challenges that come with marriage.


These two statements are interesting; almost opposite. 

I think that if people were more honest they would end their zombie marriages BEFORE having affairs. It is the unreasonable attempts to stay in a marriage or relationship that is long over that makes many of them susceptible to cheating.



Truthseeker1 said:


> I think people just become numb to it - since it is everywhere...


This is a symptom of the problem. But as I said, I think the first problem is people get numb to staying in a bad relationship. After that, what follows is emotional vulnerability leading to bad choices when opportunity presents. Most people don't set out to cheat. Those who do don't think of it as cheating.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I feel like I live in a bubble. I'm in the Midwest in a fairly affluent area but not rich. I've been with my wife 30+ years - we met in college. Our kids are all good kids - they don't party and aren't sexually active - even the 17 year old twin boys. Not my influence BTW, but it is that way.

Of course there have been divorces over the years, but really not that many. Several of our friends and neighbors met in college or shortly thereafter.

It's a pretty conservative town though I am not. Maybe our bubble is because we have lots of engineers, lawyers, accountants... frankly educated but kind of boring people. But the couples are well matched. And the sense of self worth comes from brains and money versus physique and looks. But not rich - which presents different issues raising kids.

So the jealousy and envy comes out in cars and houses. But not in hot bodies and night clubs, etc. I'm not saying people aren't externally motivated - many are - but the feel-good one gets from being noticed at a club or gym is different from that which comes from having a bigger house. The former is up close and personal and the latter is more distant.

IDK - maybe that's why the marriages are less vulnerable to affairs? At least it seems to be compared to the stats I read. Did that make sense? I mean if a woman checked me out at a club I'd be more inclined to respond, but if they're checking out my house? (BTW no one is checking me out and I wouldn't act on it anyway - and they're not checking out my house or car)

Anyway - the jealousy / envy isn't that obvious or bad - but it is there. Good people by and large. IDK 

I do worry about my kids going to college and meeting more worldly, selfish, instant gratification kids and getting taken advantage of. Just trying to educate then that the rest of the world isn't like our little corner.

Also to let you guys know these places still exist and with good people and strong values. Keep looking and don't give up if you're single...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I feel like I live in a bubble. I'm in the Midwest in a fairly affluent area but not rich. I've been with my wife 30+ years - we met in college. Our kids are all good kids - they don't party and aren't sexually active - even the 17 year old twin boys. Not my influence BTW, but it is that way.
> 
> Of course there have been divorces over the years, but really not that many. Several of our friends and neighbors met in college or shortly thereafter.
> 
> ...


I'm sure there are and the fact is MOST people still dont cheat but far, far too many do...


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Sometimes it is more complicated. When I was younger I had a fling with a woman who told me that she wasn't married. Then after we were already into it she told me that she was separated and in the process of divorce because her husband was physically abusive. This actually made me feel sorry for her so I stuck around. But then over time when I started asking questions about the abuse she changed her story again. She really wanted to leave him because he wasn't paying attention to her. Long story short I was a POSOM, but at the same time I was duped. I went into it thinking she wasn't married, and when she did admit that she was she said he was a woman beater. Looking back at it now I think she probably lied about everything.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Sometimes it is more complicated. When I was younger I had a fling with a woman who told me that she wasn't married. Then after we were already into it she told me that she was separated and in the process of divorce because her husband was physically abusive. This actually made me feel sorry for her so I stuck around. But then over time when I started asking questions about the abuse she changed her story again. She really wanted to leave him because he wasn't paying attention to her. Long story short I was a POSOM, but at the same time I was duped. *I went into it thinking she wasn't married, and when she did admit that she was she said he was a woman beater. Looking back at it now I think she probably lied about everything.*


Thank you so much for sharing this. The lesson here is - quite often - everything said during an adulterous relationship is a lie - the cheating spouse will say what they have to say to get what they want which is why the overwhelming majority of relationships that start off as affairs dissolve - your perspective is so distorted by continuously lying that you reach a point where you don't know what is real or not any longer - then when you settle into an "everyday relationship" with your AP - you still don't know what is real or not so you never really develop the trust that is necessary to make a go of it....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Sometimes it is more complicated. When I was younger I had a fling with a woman who told me that she wasn't married. Then after we were already into it she told me that she was separated and in the process of divorce because her husband was physically abusive. This actually made me feel sorry for her so I stuck around. But then over time when I started asking questions about the abuse she changed her story again. She really wanted to leave him because he wasn't paying attention to her. Long story short I was a POSOM, but at the same time I was duped. I went into it thinking she wasn't married, and when she did admit that she was she said he was a woman beater. Looking back at it now *I think she probably lied about everything.*


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## NewPhoenix5 (Dec 4, 2015)

OK, How about this nice text from wife's OM, a classical musician, 4 months before the physical affair started:

"I feel so at home with you, too, [Edith] sweetie. I am very happy about our recent talks. I've always cared for you so much and even when a long lapse of time goes by between my contacts with you I always carry your tenderness inside me. I have teeter-tottered between different emotions ranging from the most romantic, dreamy thoughts of you, to feeling sad for you, to being outright fearful of what might happen if your husband were to retaliate, to feeling I needed to concentrate my mind and heart towards finding someone whom I could share my life with. At the moment all those things are present in my heart. 

I was just working on finding good, printable versions of the sheet music for [Student NP5's DD2] and was about to email these to you. 

I*confess that the GPS tracking thing is shocking. It diminishes the esteem I thought I had towards [NP5]. It also gives me the feeling he might be capable of other even more paranoid behaviors and I don't need him coming after me. My life is already complicated enough and I have a very specific mission which I feel called to do and can't have something distract me like an out of control hubby. That tracking approach seems like a typical military way of trying to control the world with force rather than love and understanding. If I were in his shoes and I suspected that my partner had a crush on someone, I would actually encourage her to pursue it if she wanted, just so I didn't have to live wondering where her loyalty lay. "

OK OM, if you're afraid of my reaction, how about you keep your f**king d**k out of my wife.


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

NewPhoenix5 said:


> My life is already complicated enough and I have a very specific mission which I feel called to do and can't have something distract me like an out of control hubby. That tracking approach seems like a typical military way of trying to control the world with force rather than love and understanding. If I were in his shoes and I suspected that my partner had a crush on someone, I would actually encourage her to pursue it if she wanted, just so I didn't have to live wondering where her loyalty lay. "


What's this mission he speaks of?


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## NewPhoenix5 (Dec 4, 2015)

Kobold said:


> What's this mission he speaks of?


At the time I thought it was sharing the love of classical music to a world full of hiphop.

Now I think it was to wreck marriages and drive husbands to madness.


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