# Taking a long time to finish



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello all, it's been a while. I left my husband in sept. Split has been good an drama free. He sees his child often. 

But that's not why I'm here. I met a man, amazing and wonderful man. He is everything I want and things are going very well. My only concern is that he takes a long time to finish. Some days he just takes care of me a few times and doesn't finish at all (always the next day though) 
I have only once been able to finish him with just a bj. 
He says he doesn't mind, it was the same with his previous partners (Im the only one to successfully finish with a bj) and there is nothing I am doing wrong to cause it. 

Ftr- I have spent this year really exploring who I am and this is my second D/a relationship. I am his sub along with his girlfriend and partner. He is able to do what he wants to (within our mutually agreed upon list) so we do a lot sexually that isn't just sex to get off.... he says he enjoys those things and getting me off as much as himself and to not worry. 

But still, I wonder if there is anything that can be done to shorten his finish time (currently at anywhere from 45-90 minutes which I can't do just one thing the whole time) 

Anyone tried those creams and gels made for women to boost sensitivity on a man? I saw a lotion that is supposed to increase sensitivity for a penis over time if you use it daily but that seems like a pain and reviews were iffy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its not that uncommon. 

I assume you have checked to see if he has any particular kink. Any chance he likes to dom most of the time but also enjoys being submissive?

If he says he is enjoying himself, the believe him, but keep an eye out for trying new things.

Stress about not finishing can make this worse, so one thing to do is stop worrying about it. It may improve somewhat on its own.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

We have been very open and communicative with kinks so if there was any he wanted to try I believe he'd feel comfortable sharing that with me. 
I try not to put pressure. The course of events is in his court so if he stops cause it's just not going to happen or he keeps going until it does is up to him. I have had to stop a couple times cause it was just too much, usually with the Bj but he never gets upset. 

I feel a weight on me like I did something wrong and wasn't good enough. It's hard to stop thinking that way even when he tells me. 

He loves making me finish (this is the opposite of my marriage) but I feel like I don't deserve to or that I should feel bad for finishing so much more often than he does. That is also in his court so I finish as many times as he wants until he feels it's enough.
But then I'm off in lala land and I didn't do my job and finish him and I feel so bad and guilty. I wish I could return the favour more often and feel more equal in that way. 

If I could find something to increase his sensitivity at least for some of the times I could do a better job, I think


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why are you stressing about this, if he is ok with it, then enjoy and go with the flow


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

My guess is he's taking antidepressants.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He's not on any meds. I'm at his house often for days at a time sometimes and I've never seen them. I have also done cleaning and cooking for him so I've seen everything in there. I take them and have told him so there would be no need to hide it. 

He was single a while before we met, but says he's just always been that way. I think masterbation has lost some sensitivity for him (he has really strong hands lol) that's why I wonder if those gels or lotions may work. Or maybe it'll just get shorter the more we replace the alone time with sex... I don't know. I don't want to offend him but I would like him to finish easier and more often.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I suppose if he masturbates frequently, has sex often, is tired, or is distracted in his own lala land it could lead to what you described.

His distraction could be performance anxiety -- and, maybe that fits since he sounds attentitive to the quality of your experience.

A bj may not provide enough friction or mechanical motion for lack of a better term. Using your hands more might help.

Yes, the warming gels can help.

Be careful to not let your anxiety about this create or multiply anxiety in him. How to avoid that -- I'm not sure.

I suppose it could have nothing to do with you, or anything either of you have control over. I suppose it could be a consequence of aging (not sure what his age is).


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm just throwing this out there, but I'm guessing he's possibly over-sexed. He has 2 (3?) partners at the moment, if I read that correctly.

Not to mention that he's the D in this relationship, yes? So his kink is to be dominant and get you off. He's said as much.

Although I'm not in that lifestyle, I do understand a little of where he's perhaps coming from. My partner's fun is more important to me than my own. It is what it is.

As it sounds like this is exactly what excites him, then I can tell you firsthand - don't stress about it. My wife has slowly come around to me being this way. In the earlier days, she often felt guilt at me spending so much time on her. To be fair, she also views things in a similar way to me - she wants me to enjoy myself, and in her eyes, this is by me getting off. But as I said, she's slowly come around to realizing that I AM getting off by getting her off, and to just let me do it on occasion. When she wants a more even encounter (or occasionally just wants me to sit back and enjoy her for a change) she'll let me know. Then it's my turn to turn my brain off, for a change!

At the end of the day, you have a partner who's sole aim is to get you off and pleasure you. That's far better than the opposite, I would think


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I am his only partner. I'm just all 3 things, not 3 different people. I reread that and it sounded like a poly thing lol 

He has a few likes which we do but they aren't really about him getting off. 

I'd love to have him just lay back and let me take over but it is so much work. Hours. The one time I could do it was morning after not finishing the day before and even that was almost an hour. The other times I gave up because I literally could not continue. I usually get pretty sore after it's all done. We switch between sex, bjs and sometimes anal because one get sore and needs a break. 

Quickies are out the window, he'll do them until I finish a few times but I'd love if they were more mutual.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Anyone tried those creams and gels made for women to boost sensitivity on a man? I saw a lotion that is supposed to increase sensitivity for a penis over time if you use it daily but that seems like a pain and reviews were iffy.


Stimulation is 80% Brain and 20% Penis. So be sure and mostly apply the cream to his mind!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Some guys just don't respond to oral like a lot of guys do! 

Tell you what! Let him get close enough to "the point of no return" by doing PIV, long enough to take him orally, then finish him off!

Given that, you had better be fully prepared to "swallow!" 

And just like finishing in PIV, being "contained" doing oral orgasm feels so much better!*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

We have done that but it still takes at least an hour to get there with PIV. Often longer if I have to switch between oral and PIV due to soreness. The first time was 3 hours of back and forth from one thing to the next with still no finish. I think the shortest has been 45 minutes and that was oral then PIV then oral then anal and had some belt time before that so we were both pretty worked up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> We have done that but it still takes at least an hour to get there with PIV. Often longer if I have to switch between oral and PIV due to soreness. The first time was 3 hours of back and forth from one thing to the next with still no finish. I think the shortest has been 45 minutes and that was oral then PIV then oral then anal and had some belt time before that so we were both pretty worked up.


My body couldn't withstand 45 minutes to an hour of *actual in action* PIV on any kind of regular basis. I can understand why you are asking for advice.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I am his only partner. I'm just all 3 things, not 3 different people. I reread that and it sounded like a poly thing lol
> 
> He has a few likes which we do but they aren't really about him getting off.
> 
> ...


Ah, okay!

Well, the rest of my reply still stands - though it IS excessive.

Look, like I said, I am much happier doing the pleasing than being pleased - within reason. I wouldn't want a woman who doesn't give a crap about my pleasure at all.

There have been times in my life (especially now that I'm getting a little older) that I can't finish for a legitimate reason (I'm prone to hip flexor and thus back issues from time to time, tight muscles and all that), as well as simply being exhausted occasionally. It happens, and I don't get upset about it, as long as my wife has been properly taken care of. I'll fight through my own pain or tiredness for her sake 100% of the time.

I do think there's more going on here with your husband than how I operate sexually, but I also think he's a lot like me - just to a much greater extent, perhaps.

The thing I've learned, not just from my wife, but also here on TAM, is that most women do not want the focus to be _entirely_ on them. This, despite all we men are told about how important it is to please a woman in bed and focus on them, blah blah blah. Not surprisingly, most women get off on US getting off just as much as the reverse. My wife literally wants me to pound her from time to time, just so she can feel like I can't control myself in regards to her. And she's LD/RD. This excites her. Obviously she does not always want this, but nevertheless.

In any case, I can sympathize with you - as for me, the bulk of my sexual excitement comes (no pun intended) from my partner being thoroughly pleased. It's not a sense of satisfaction or duty that excites me, it's just the higher her excitement is, the higher mine is. It's not even ego-driven, for me. I don't pat myself on the back for a job well done. I don't think I'm the world's greatest lover. It's just my kink, I guess, if you can even call it that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> We have done that but it still takes at least an hour to get there with PIV. Often longer if I have to switch between oral and PIV due to soreness. The first time was 3 hours of back and forth from one thing to the next with still no finish. I think the shortest has been 45 minutes and that was oral then PIV then oral then anal and had some belt time before that so we were both pretty worked up.


he is obviously getting some sort of ED. Are there any medications he is taking? Is he diabetic? It sounds like the nerves that connect the brain to the penis are not firing properly...some sort of nerve damage. I would have it checked out by a urologist, because it is NOT going to get better on its own.

As far as short term fixes, how about trying some radically new and kinky things with him. Get a strap-on, and analy do him with it, and then after he is totally hard from that, try the PIV sex. Things that will over load his senses.

in other words, find something that uses his MIND instead of his nervous system to orgasm. His nervous system is compromised, so find other ways to get him to cum

Another idea, tie him in a wooden chair while naked. Masturbate in front of him. Tease him mercilessly for an hour. Abuse his body a little. THEN lower yourself onto him, while he is still tied up, and see if he does not cum quickly.

Or maybe try a chastity cage. Lock up his penis so he can not masturbate for a couple days, and then unlock him when he is totally horny and try the PIV sex then.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He is the one doing the tying and I don't think switching would work for either of us. The things that tease him are spanking, barehand or object, me being tied and "unable" to stop a rough or deep bj (cause I push away with my hands) service (cooking/cleaning), he has a slight sadist kink in him so a little bit of pain and struggle. Sometimes things are fairly normal in bed, sometimes they go fairly extreme but even with that it is hit or miss if either is going to work

Last night again I couldn't get him to finish, it was an extreme night
5 hours of on and off oral/anal/PIV/rough oral tied up which I really do hate cause I still throw up every time, rimming, some belt and paddle spanking time, making and serving him his dinner. So there was plenty of both mind and body stuff going on. 
It ended up being another night where I had to be the one to give up and stop. 

I felt like a failure and a disappointment. I know rationally it's not me but I still feel the guilt and like I did something wrong. I feel it more on extreme night. Like, I worked so hard and still didn't succeed. 
Idk, I'm in a bit of a drop today so I'm whiny about it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you enjoying the BDSM play in general? The "really do hate" line is a bit worrisome. If you enjoy being forced, that's fine, but be sure you are enjoying it and are not just doing it to please him.

Some others have said that sex is mostly psychological. In this case though it sounds like you are already playing to his kinks so I can't think of what else you can do.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Do you talk about it afterwards? 5 hours of abusing holes sounds painful for both parties. I'm not talking about fishing for ego kibbles but rather a non-emotional-post-bonding chat about what went well, what didn't work so well.

If he is taking viagra or any other ED meds including homeopathic then I would suggest he stop. Also any lubes should be checked to ensure they are not numbing. Both meds and lubes could reduce sensitivity to the point that you describe.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I am enjoying it. Part of his role is to push me into things I don't always love. See where my limits are. He owns me and my body to where he has free reign to do whatever he wants *within our mutually agree on boundaries we discussed and continue to update*

That one is on my yellow list. He can do it, I don't like doing it in the moment cause I hate throwing up and I did that twice but he wipes my face off, brushes the hair out of my face and tells me I'm his good girl and I did a good job. That part I like. I like knowing he "used" me how he wanted but still gentle after. Hard to explain. But yes I am enjoying. 

Anything I say no to is a no but we talk about those before so in the moment it's free reign.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

We talk about it a lot. It got so late last night we didn't get our downtime aftercare cuddles in which is why I'm dropping some today but we talk about each thing often. 

We don't use any lube ever and he's not on any meds herbal or otherwise.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm sorry, I fail to see the issue in this: 45 to 90 minutes to have sex last is every woman's dream, is it not? Is he as worried about it as you are? If not, just go with it, and enjoy it. As long as the sex is good for the duration of that time, I don't see the issue. I dated the 1-minute man a number of years ago, and would MUCH rather be with someone who took 45 minutes to finish.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think 15-30 is the perfect number for me. Any higher than that and it starts getting hard. Cramping, tired, sore, uncomfortable. 

Today I feel like I've been hit with a truck and in pain but things aren't always so extreme.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You really should make lube part of your play. It will help him and you. In addition there are some like Lulu that are fine for play and don't have a bad taste, dried clear, doesn't seem to cause bacterial infections. I use it for anal play but if your having long anal sessions you should consider an oil like coconut (not for use with condoms).

I like anal but couldn't imagine it without lube. Your body doesn't naturally have a mechanism for lubricating your butt. Lube should make it more pleasurable for him and may decrease his time. At the least it will make it more pleasurable for you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

TMI but I get ridiculously wet so if we go to anal after piv it is enough for a while and then he uses saliva if needed after. I can't do it for very long so it's either something for right at the end or just a 10 minute or so event in the middle of things. 

I do use lube if I am doing any prostate stimulation on him actually so I guess we do use it. I can ask him to use it next time to see if it helps any.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He is the one doing the tying and I don't think switching would work for either of us. The things that tease him are spanking, barehand or object, me being tied and "unable" to stop a rough or deep bj (cause I push away with my hands) service (cooking/cleaning), he has a slight sadist kink in him so a little bit of pain and struggle. Sometimes things are fairly normal in bed, sometimes they go fairly extreme but even with that it is hit or miss if either is going to work
> 
> Last night again I couldn't get him to finish, it was an extreme night
> 5 hours of on and off oral/anal/PIV/rough oral tied up which I really do hate cause I still throw up every time, rimming, some belt and paddle spanking time, making and serving him his dinner. So there was plenty of both mind and body stuff going on.
> ...


so he is more a dom and you the sub. He is a lucky guy. 

i guess he has to come to the understanding that he may not cum each and every time. if he does not like switching, then thiings like niple clamps, a butt plug, you pegging him, tying him up, obviously won't work.

i am wondering what sorts of things will turn on his kinky mind to use in addition to anal, oral and PIV sex. 
Maybe he would enjoy watching you with another partner, either man or woman. You could have a very sensual session with another man as he watches and gets horny. then it would be his turn while he is already turned on.

Maybe he can get into taking photos and videos of you in various BDSM positions...so he can look at them later to get turned on.

maybe you two can attend a local rope night nearby, and learn new suspension techniques or ties, him getting horny as he practices on you and watches the other there, and then you get home and he is very horny for PIV sex.

Maybe you find a 2nd woman to tag team him....a combination of him watching you two have lesbian sex, and him tying you both up and sharing the PIV sex between the two of you.

Maybe you need the right outfits, to turn him on thru role play?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ursula said:


> I'm sorry, I fail to see the issue in this: 45 to 90 minutes to have sex last is every woman's dream, is it not? Is he as worried about it as you are? If not, just go with it, and enjoy it. As long as the sex is good for the duration of that time, I don't see the issue. I dated the 1-minute man a number of years ago, and would MUCH rather be with someone who took 45 minutes to finish.


That amount of time for an entire encounter, including foreplay,would be fine. An hour of actual in motion constant PIV is not every woman's dream, because it certainly isn't mine!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

All I can think is ouch. 

I'm not much help but 5 hours of rough PIV/oral/anal with no lube just makes me want to cringe. Things start hurting before an hour with lots of lube for me. Be careful. You say you like/want this, but I wonder if things will change over time. Your tone doesn't come across as enjoying. Don't let resentment build, and don't let him do things to you that are beyond your tolerance.


I guess I'm just not into this/way too independent, but if a guy made me throw up from rough play I'd smack the crap out of him.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I like the ideas talker! I'll throw some out and see if we can figure out something that will work for us both


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> We have been very open and communicative with kinks so if there was any he wanted to try I believe he'd feel comfortable sharing that with me.
> I try not to put pressure. The course of events is in his court so if he stops cause it's just not going to happen or he keeps going until it does is up to him. I have had to stop a couple times cause it was just too much, usually with the Bj but he never gets upset.
> 
> I feel a weight on me like I did something wrong and wasn't good enough. It's hard to stop thinking that way even when he tells me.
> ...


Honestly, it sounds a lot more like you're struggling with your own discomfort and guilt here than anything else. It's ok to be pleasured by your partner! Plus, if he's acting as your dominant, doesn't he decide what your job is or isn't?

I hope some of the advice given in this thread doesn't reinforce that there's something wrong with you, or wrong with your partner. I say listen to your partner - and if they tell you they're fine with the intimacy without having to actually orgasm, believe them.

Best of luck!
Kayla


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hate to bring this up, but sometimes having a hard time cuming is an indication of trouble inside of the prostate. Maybe he should get a PSA blood test from his doctor...just to be sure.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Last night again I couldn't get him to finish, it was an extreme night
> 5 hours of on and off oral/anal/PIV/rough oral tied up which I really do hate cause I still throw up every time, rimming, some belt and paddle spanking time, making and serving him his dinner. So there was plenty of both mind and body stuff going on.
> It ended up being another night where I had to be the one to give up and stop.


Try as I might, I can't hep but dry heave just reading this crap. Some miscreant forcefully face-****ing you until you throw up? Jesus, who signs up to be treated like this? Maybe he's having a tough go of it because cleaning vomit off his supposed girlfriend's face a couple of times during a torture session might just be a mood killer. You know, like thinking of dead puppies and such when you're trying to last longer.

NOTE TO SELF: Do NOT eat when reading the Sex in Marriage board. Lesson learned.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SGC...it's hard to read about the violent bj's making you vomit and him wiping your face and telling you that you're a good girl. Especially when you also said you really hate that part. Ok it's part of his job to push your limits but you already know you hate that one, why would you let that one be pushed? Especially since it doesn't even get him off so there's not even a fun ending. Just you being physically harmed for his pleasure.

I hope you'll rethink that one and make it a hard limit. There's really a lot more fun things and even sadistic things you can do together that won't make you vomit.

But as to your original issue, all I can say is that he isn't going to get off any faster than he is now as you continue in the relationship. In fact it could take even longer or become impossible as time goes by. If he's not trying to get to that goal and is just having fun with sex, then that's fine and you should do the same. But that also means you should only have sex for as long as it feels good to you and not longer.

I actually never get sore and can go for hours. So I'm lucky that way especially since my boyfriend can also go a long time or several times a day. Although he (and everyone else I've ever been with) will always get sore and tap out before I do, I'm still fulfilled and happy. But there are some things like a rough bj that I can only take for a very short period of time and I tap out as soon as I want to...I'm not going to continue anything that's so uncomfortable. I understand you like a little pain and I do too, but things that actually make your body react with vomiting really shouldn't seem sexy to anyone, IMO. Extreme stuff is great but it should also be sexy to everyone involved. 

I can't O from PIV so I'm used to having long sex sessions with no O. I still love every minute of it. Your guy can feel the same way about this and not see it as an issue at all....so would it be ok with you if you just accepted that you can have great sex and have fun for hours but he might not O? If he's ok with no O you should be too. Or if you aren't...then maybe need to reconsider the relationship.

Just don't end up like some of the men who have posted here who become obsessed with their wife not having O's and then it ruins their self esteem, that's all.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

To be bluntly honest i don't think you can excite that man much more than now. A man having a BDSM relationship with 2 girlfriends is pretty extreme. Too much of anything is bad. Too much excitement results in fatigue. Same with stress. He needs to reset back to a regular lifestyle then pump it up again. Nobody can withold excitment constantly. It's like a drug: you get used to ot and need the next high


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

The pushing is trying to get me to where I can do it without throwing up. I enjoy it, I hate throwing up. Reading other women (and men), training can make the throwing up part go away. Each time I get a bit better/longer. Last time I didn't throw up at all but I stopped a lot and wasn't tied so I pushed away more. I want to be able to stop that. 
When we first started trying we were talking about when I start to struggle to get up and how I wish I didn't have that throw up urge. He laughed and said I thought you needed air when you did that, that's why I let you up. If that's all it is, keep going. I don't care and it'll be all my fault if you do. It's on me, I'm the one in control so any negative outcomes are all my own doing. 
I need to keep that in mind and accept that but it's hard. Same thing with him finishing, I need to allow him to be in full control of outcomes but I still feel horrible about it. 

His care for me after is for my own needs. I'll feel guilt and embarrassed and like I'm not good enough. He is helping "train" me out of my negative thinking. 

There is a lot more pain aspects that we are exploring, marks that last a longer time, eventually an actual bull whip vs the belt, hand and paddle which is a lot thinner and will hurt a lot more. As of now I have only gotten to my safe word zone after 2 days of various items (obviously not the entire time, on and off during the weekend) my marks lasted about a week and were not extreme at all (though I was still super proud of them and was happy to show them off) 

Eventually working up to crying/begging territory which is something we both want and I've been reading a lot about but haven't gotten to yet. 

Some of my mentors were a lot more heavily into pain, welts and full body marks till bleeding. Carving, needles, etc. 

Neither of us are into blood play so a lot of things are off limits. 

Humiliation is off limits (no calling me pig, cow, or wh*re, or "it" or otherwise making fun of me... seems a lot of women like this, I am not one of them) 

Scat is off limits. 

Diapers, age play, pretending to be various animals (pony, cat, dog, etc) has no interest for either of us. 

Wax, stretching, anal training, oral training, impact play, rope, slave training and domestic submission are all things on our mutual list along with others 

Part of my mental submission and mental machoism is doing things I don't always love. But I trust he'll care for me and outside our hard limits he has free reign to use me as he wants, when he wants. He's never come close to pushing my limits too much or abusing my trust. It's not the pain so much as the total submission that I need and that will include things that aren't always pleasant. 

In technical terms I am his slave, he is my owner. 

It is extreme. My last D/s relationship was much less but I needed more. 

He only has me, no other girlfriend. We have a lot of vanilla times too. Truly we are super boring 95% of the time. We snuggle and watch Netflix.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

So any new updates with the training?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I am always concerned about real consent in some BDSM relationships. When dominance goes beyond bedroom play, I see a situation with the potential for severe abuse. I'm not saying all such relationships are abusive, but the potential is there. 

If its just sex play and someone gets off on being beaten or play-raped, that's fine. What I worry is that a psychological need to please / serve someone can be turned into an abusive situation. Think of the "wives" of cult leaders. They are volunteers - but are they really?

How can one distinguish a consensual BDSM relationship form an abusive one? (remember that some abuse victims will claim that they deserve / want the abuse).


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

For me specifically it was something I looked for. This wasn't a bf who decided to add this. I picked him for his compatibility in this area. 

Second- I have every right and ability to tell him to go F himself and say no to things I don't consent to. One word from me stops it all. 

Third- I negotiated all of it before hand. I vetoed things, I consented to things. I can change my mind on either of those lists at any time. 

Also he never has me do anything that isn't ok. 
"Worst" for me was he took something out of my diet. If I have said thing I get a punishment. 
He didn't do it just for the heck of it, he is helping me. 

I serve him food and drink and do other service related tasks. He asks nicely, thanks me, appreciates. I never get barked at or ordered to do anything. 

He reminds me many, many times to please say no if I really don't want to. To please tell him if anything is too much, need a break, need to discuss again. 
I smile and kiss him and tell him I love it. 

I've got more backbone than one would think being a sub. Most do I've found. Sometimes we go to munch and try to determine a new persons role based on personality. We are wrong often. Sub does not = weak or meak. 
I'd have no problems telling him anything I wanted. 

He would never want to do anything against my will or consent. 

As for updates, not really. Tried new things and enjoyed them all. More intensity, a bit more pain. I've just tried to not focus on when he finished and do the best I can during it regardless


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

He's very apparently got some sadistic tendencies, so I have to ask: Would he see finishing with you as ceding some of the control he enjoys as the dominant partner? Or is your lack of ability to get him there feeding into his dominance kink? I know you've said humiliation is off the table, but perhaps what he's getting is an increased feeling of dominance over you because of your "failure" in this area. Does he _enjoy_ knowing you feel guilty and like you're a failure and/or a disappointment?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Rowan said:


> He's very apparently got some sadistic tendencies, so I have to ask: Would he see finishing with you as ceding some of the control he enjoys as the dominant partner? Or is your lack of ability to get him there feeding into his dominance kink? I know you've said humiliation is off the table, but perhaps what he's getting is an increased feeling of dominance over you because of your "failure" in this area. Does he _enjoy_ knowing you feel guilty and like you're a failure and/or a disappointment?


This is interesting.

I don't think he wants me to feel like a failure. Any time I have felt like a failure and disappointment he has firmly corrected me, in fact ANY negative feelings about myself at all gets punished. Including body image, it's *his* and he loves it and I'm not allowed to have any negative feelings about *his* body. He wants me confident and shining and always feeling like I'm a "good girl". Most of his corrections are for things that I am doing that harm myself mentally in some way. 

That said I do think he wants me to get into my masochist zone trying to please him, if that makes sense. 

He has said that no one has ever tried so hard and I think he enjoys me trying, really trying for as long as I can and maybe even likes when I eventually HAVE to tap out because I can not go any longer. He likes when he's used every area until it continues being sore into the next day, when I am to the point of crying, can't move, a mess of everything and something in a lot of pain (as do I) and when I finally do get him off, it is a reward to me for doing so good and I'll say thank you for it. So I can see some of his sadism in his taking forever to finish.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It would be interesting to see what might happen if after he finishes you, you just get up and say...okay, let's go out to dinner now. lol I bet he would be all over you then. 

I don't think you should be knocking yourself out to get a guy off, personally. I mean, I totally get the BDSM thing, I like some of that stuff as I mentioned in your other thread, but...this seems to be going too far in terms of you're not mutually enjoying it. You don't seem to enjoy what is happening here, so...that's when it's not working, even if it's not purposeful, it's not working. 

You're being humiliated, whether intentional or not. And it does bother you, otherwise you wouldn't have started a thread. 

Seriously, don't even offer anything for a while. I have a feeling, things will change. lol


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This is interesting.
> He likes when he's used every area until it continues being sore into the next day, when I am to the point of crying, can't move, a mess of everything and something in a lot of pain (as do I) and when I finally do get him off, it is a reward to me for doing so good and I'll say thank you for it. So I can see some of his sadism in his taking forever to finish.


SlowlyGoingCrazy...if you read what you wrote above from a unbiased unattached perspective...

Why are you attracted to a man who likes to hurt you in your inner sensitive places? You are a strong, smart woman. Why do you do this to yourself? Do you believe you need to be punished?

Why don't you pull the plug on self punishment and find a man who will love, cherish, and not hurt you?

I'm not trying to attack you. I just feel so sad for you that you are allowing your boyfriend to treat you this way.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I do enjoy that part. I love when I have been used so much that I am a total mess, I take pride in my marks and work, I put pics up and show it off. I love it. It's not humiliation to me, as I feel more pride than anything. Getting to the point of pain and crying wasn't an overnight thing but a gradual progression. It's also super complicated to explain. Not all of us like or get pleasure from the pain, some are in absolute misery during it but still enjoy and love when he/she does it.

My issue is feeling like I'm not good enough when he doesn't cum. Like I did something wrong, he's not liking me, I'm bad, I'm being selfish, etc. They are my anxious crap in my head that he's helping me deal with. 

Withholding any of it from him just isn't in our dynamic. He "owns" it therefore I have no say. Some of it is "consensual non consent" meaning even if I say no, he has blanket consent to do it anyway. 

Should I take myself out of his ownership and stop things, which is in my power to do, it is for a serious reason where I've hit a limit and am not ok.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Araucaria said:


> SlowlyGoingCrazy...if you read what you wrote above from a unbiased unattached perspective...
> 
> Why are you attracted to a man who likes to hurt you in your inner sensitive places? You are a strong, smart woman. Why do you do this to yourself? Do you believe you need to be punished?
> 
> ...


I picked my BF specifically _because _he would treat me this way. I picked him from a BDSM outing, we had compatible kinks. 

Do I think I need to be punished? Nope, I'm awesome. I am a strong, smart women. I have a loud mouth and an attitude on me too. I also happen to make an awesome girlfriend, vanilla or not, and have had no issues finding all different kinds of partners. I could leave today and find a vanilla partner easily if I wanted. I am desirable and well, awesome.  

He does love and care for and cherish me. Above all I am cared for and loved and cherished. A good Dom will always put her first, raise her up, care for and appreciate her for everything. Bad Doms are jerks who bark orders and expect submission cause he told her to. My bf earns my submission daily.

He never *harms* me. He never does anything I have not agreed to. Everything is safe, consensual and talked about to death. There has not been 1 single moment where I have felt abused. 

Why don't I find a vanilla partner? Cause I tried and I needed more. I then tried a lighter BDSM relationship and I needed more. Now I am here and happy. More happy then I ever thought possible. Everyone around me wonders why I am so happy and light these days. He gives me everything I want and need.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Slowly, I'm glad you think you are happy. But in other posts you said you were in pain, crying and a mess. That doesn't sound happy. You're living a life of extremes, and that can't be healthy in the long run. I really hope the best for you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I do think it's one of those things that is just difficult to explain and isn't something that should be done without being educated and safe about it. It's not something we take lightly or just decided to do for fun. 

There is a lot of reading about pain and crying and getting past the points you once thought you weren't capable of getting to and how cathartic it is and how many are purposefully being pushed to that point. I want and expect him to push me to that point and it has been a long process to get there and keep it safe physically and emotionally and mentally healthy 

I have a lot more issues with mentally giving up control than I do physically. That has gotten better even since this post and I'm letting go more, letting him be in charge and control and not worrying about things too much. 
If he doesn't finish, that was his choice. If I throw up, that was his choice. I am giving up guilt as he is taking responsibility.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I don't know how old he is - but this is not all that uncommon in older men. Also - a lot of masturbation does train them to need a tighter grip and faster thrust than is possible with oral or PIV. 

Does prostrate stimulation help? It's my surefire trick that always works with my husband when he occasionally has this problem. I totally understand how it makes you feel. It's the same for me too. Intellectually I know its not about me, emotionally I feel it's totally about me. 

Some medical info on it - Delayed ejaculation - Mayo Clinic


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If the problem is his taking "too long" to orgasm, change the dynamic. He works on you until you come. That can take however long it takes. No clock. Once you come, the 10 minute timer starts. He comes or the session ends after 10 minutes. Period. He will either learn how to come within 10 minutes or find this frustrating. His frustration will provide the motivation to try new things. Eventually you will find something that works. Or not. You can deal with that then. But you undergoing 45 to 60 minutes of pounding that leaves you sore and feeling frustrated and inadequate is a bad dynamic to continue.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He is mid 40s. We do prostate stimulation sometimes, it is a good method. 

For our normal sex times we do end up stop and starting a few times so it's not quite 45-60 minutes of straight pounding (we only have kinky sex 1/5 times maybe. The rest are vanilla. There's no time difference between the two)

He'll go down on me a while, have piv a bit, go down on me more, piv a bit, go have a smoke, bj for a bit, piv for a bit, etc. 

I have noticed that sometimes staying hard is a bit of an issue, it's easy to get back up again but I'm kind of wondering if that is part of the problem, even mentally. 

I may at some point bring up meds, in a super loving way of course. Not sure how to go about that though. 

I am super happy with our sex life and wouldn't want to do anything to make him feel otherwise.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Does it bother him at all?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Does it bother him at all?


I don't know. Hes never said but he wouldn't. 

It doesn't seem to bother him if he didn't get off as long as I have. He seems to enjoy doing that more than himself. 
With sometimes going soft, I'm not sure. I'm guessing but it might because he's starting to feel his age in other ways and doesn't like that much. 

I've never mentioned it, if it happens it's just break time or switch to something else for a bit or it's just the end and he's not going to finish that night.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't know. Hes never said but he wouldn't.
> 
> It doesn't seem to bother him if he didn't get off as long as I have. He seems to enjoy doing that more than himself.
> With sometimes going soft, I'm not sure. I'm guessing but it might because he's starting to feel his age in other ways and doesn't like that much.
> ...


I do understand why you feel as you do, though. It is something we often assume will always happen with our partners, that they'll finish, and I can see myself feeling confused or maybe sad if my husband wasn't finishing. I hope you find what works for you both.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

I always had the opposite problem. "This won't take long, did it?". 
As I got older, I got where it took longer and longer. Not an hour, but not 30 seconds like I used to be either. 

Maybe find the thing or things that helps him along? Lights on...or off? Position? Your enthusiasm...that always gets me! Location...out in the great outdoors? (or how to make the outdoors greater) Hands, mouth, toys, combinations of tings.....and....most important of all....talk about it? 
And....some women, take a long time to orgasm, and some only will with a vibe. What would be wrong with getting him off with a buzz if it does the trick? 

Just some quick thoughts.....


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Getim all turned on and then ask him to masturbate while you watch. (I wonder how long it takes him to get off)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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