# What are your thoughts on this?



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

I posted someting a few days ago here explaining more on our realtionship. I just want to know if this type of texting is ok. He doesnt seem to be flirting she was not working that day cause had to study and it is a small office like 5 people in total. He works as accounts payable she is accounts receivable and they sit right next to each other.

a married man for 5 years having difficulties in the relationship and me the wife feels insecure about our relationship texting a female co-worker not flirty texts but just having a laugh. Some say he can be having an emotional affair because things at home are not the best and he never looks happy hardly anyway. We don't have sex and he doesn't compliment me anymore or show me affection to make me feel better. I told him i read the texts and he was upset now im afraid he will delete any texts from her. The only text i thought was flirty was Him-"come back i miss you it's so quiet here without you" Her - awww ill be there in 10 min lol i know im the only chatty happy person in the office" he text-ed her more in 20 min then he ever does to me in a day. I always think he is more happy being with her at work than coming home to me. I am trying hard to keep this relationship going he doesn't seem to try hard and give me what i need to feel better. Is that kind of texting normal ok or shall i be worried. I love this man so much and don't want to break up i want to work on things and for us to be happy.

i am really trying not to bring up my feelings to him or nag i told him i will back off for 3 months with no talking serious chats and nagging him. i just wish he would try harder to make me feel more secure and loved. When i tell him that im insecure and our marriage is like 2 roomates without dating and i need affection and love so i dont have these talks he just sits there and goes quiet and doesnt respond. then i feel further cause i felt i nagged him again but like i said im giving 3 months of me backing off and hope he can give me what i need. if not then i feel either marriage counsler or seperate for a while and see what that does. What are your thoughts on the texts. She was off that day studying and they get along at work she a happy person and i read all no lovey dovey stuff.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, he is involved in an EA whether he realizes it or not. His behavior with this co-worker is both personally and professionally inappropriate. How would he feel if his supervisor saw the volume and nature of texts between them? That is a lot of energy going into not working.

2nd--he cannot "make you feel" more secure and loved. He can only behave in ways that show love and respect, and avoid behaviors that suggest indifference or disrespect. Only he can truly know if his behavior "means" respect or disrespect or indifference. Only you can decide if a behavior signals love or indifference, respect or disrespect. How does each of you know what was intended and what was received? Communication--honest to the point it is painful, if necessary. If he says, "I'm enjoying this texting relationship only because she makes me laugh and you don't," it is extremely painful to you BUT it is good information. You respond, "I will try to meet your need for laughter. You need to understand you are risking our relationship/marriage by going outside the marriage to get this need met." Then, work on providing HIM with the laughter, fun, lightness in the relationship that he seems to want. Get past your insecurity and, for the time being, quit worrying about feeling insecure--so what if you do? Get over it and have fun, BE fun to be around. Work with a therapist on your insecurities. I haven't read your other post, so I'm assuming you had insecurities long before he started texting anyone--if I'm wrong, ignore me!

OK, so I read your other post. You were secure and experimental, and then he withdrew--did his depression follow the swinging? It is also possible he has a porn addiction--how often does he use porn? I would encourage you to keep to the upbeat behavior for a while and really work on seeing all this as stemming from what may be his depression--no one's "fault," and absolutely NO reason to feel bad about yourself. If, after a few months, things don't improve (and get him to see a Dr.; go together and explain the lack of sex drive to the doctor, b/c chances are, he won't), then consider the porn addiction possibility. Remember that if HE has an obsession with porn or "needs" the stimulation of being with other women, then HE has the problem. Again, you must work on building your self-esteem to the point where you can truly believe, "Wow; he's whack on the sex thing." That does not mean you reject him or dislike him, it means you separate yourself from his issues. Very few men need the constant stimulation of new women when they have a warm and willing body near by. Sure they might fantasize (as do lots of women) but that does not lead to rejecting what is close at hand! If he's choosing porn and self-stimulation over an actual sexual relationship, the issue lies with him--unless there is a hidden reason for it (which is unlikely unless you've gained 100 lbs since the first year).


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

His attention is elsewhere, not on the marriage. He can't help fix what he wont acknowledge. I do think its highly possible there is a EA going on there. These texts they are sending do not have to really contain anything of a real flirty/sexual nature. If this is something that is just starting out, it more than likely wont be about anything flirty right off the bat. Could it lead to that, possibly.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If I remember correctly, I think I'm the one who had mentioned him possibly being caught up in a EA in your other post. I'm not saying 100% for sure he is, but I do think he is at least headed in that direction. His focus is with her, not you. He has his priorities out of order.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

i must add that this text was only one day because she wasnt at work that day she was off at home studying. So he missed his friend from work and texted her like 10 to 12 messages in the morning but only the morning no more. I really don't know what goes on at work and im thinking of buy spousespy or some kind of recording device so i can listen so i feel better that he is not having more fun at work than at home. i am trying my hardest to be less insecure but some days i feel so crap around him. His moods change so quickly and he can be sarcastic at the littlest things or be rude over tiny mistakes i do. He is not fun to be around lately. He also states he would never leave me he loves me and when i mention seperate or leavingt he says he doesnt want that he only wants me. But i feel different to that with his actions. So like i said the texting was only once when she was not at work. 
Thanks for the replies and thanks for helping me out. It helps to talk and get different opinions.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

This is exactly the type of thing I am afraid of in my own relationship...tell him that the texting has to stop. NOW. Who is more important, anyway???


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

as i said before he doesnt text her all the time he works right next to her. It was a one time only for one day he texted her and that is because she was off that day studying for a exam. I am trying my hardest to work this out. The only thing im trying to ignore is his mood swings. he is fine one moment then looks like a crab the next. Thanks though for the advice


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

No prob...I hope I didn't come off as condescending or anything...I'm just caught up in something similar (my BF calling and old flame for Bday, and I freaked!) and I wanted to nip it in the bud right away...because I've been through crap like this before, where I let it slide (with someone else) and it ended up with him cheating. I say it's a slippery slope that's best avoided.

In 2003, I was living with a man, and the relationship (7 years) was suffering. I had a male acquaintance and we started texting each other...before you knew it, one thing led to another, and I was having an affair. It was so easy because I had this dud that I was living with, and this hot guy, texting me everything I wanted to hear, until I finally gave in and started sleeping with him. I think I fell for him over text!

It's so true, that in this day and age of texting, social networking, private cell phones, private emails...it's just so easy to cheat. And I'm no kid, either, I was in my early 30's when this happened.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

sorry if it seemed i was a bit harsh didn't mean to lol just im so lost and love him so much. He seems so miserable all the time and looks so unhappy. I try and talk tell him how i feel and what i need to make me feel better but it just doesnt seem to sink in to him. I know it doesnt help me constantly on him about my jelousy and asking him if he will always love me or leave me but i just feel this void in our realtionship and so needing it to come back. I sometimes feel like ending it or leaving but like i said i love him so much and we have lots in common i just wish he would try and make me happy as much as im trying to make him happy. He doesn't really want to go to a marriage counsler cause he finds it hard to talk to people and open up. He used to be more open with me but not anymore. I really don't know what else to do


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

In order for him to want to work on things he will have to stop focusing on this women at work. I have seen time and time again where you will justify these texts by saying that its not that bad, not flirty etc, BUT the bottom line is he is texting her and his focus seems to be with her.

I understand its hard for you to hear any of this. It doesn't really matter what is being exchanged in the texts, because the main issue here is the fact he isn't putting any effort or energy into trying to fix things with you and your marriage. h

He may see you as not going anywhere, not going to do anything about it, and therefore he feels he can keep on doing what he is doing. In his mind he may feel he doesn't need to put forth any effort because he may feel he has nothing to lose. If you want to make a statement with him and get your message across, then you may have to do some things that you don't want to do. If leaving may get his attention, then do it. I doubt he feels you are serious.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Turning to someone else outside the relationship is bad - even if nothing 'happens'...it is possible to become emotionally attached to another person, and if he's given her up or vice versa, his moodiness may be due to that. Let's just hope he starts focusing on your relationship!


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

i don't think she would be with him she is chinese and christian and lives at home with her sister and brother in law. She is a cheerful person and even when i joked to her about her being his mistress when i first met her she laughed and said Noooo. i dont think she is the type to cheat with him. I know we have issues and i btrought his sex drive down cause of my insecurites and constant questioning. He texted me and said he knows we need to work on things and we will talk this weekend. Thanks all


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