# My fiance and her sister.



## KDJLAH (Jul 12, 2010)

It's a hard thing to admit when you're wrong, but I'll start by coming out and saying it: I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. 

Now that that's out of the way, I was hoping to work through a problem I've been having, either just by typing it out or through your responses, which would be great.

I'm 22. Male. I've been engaged for 2 years. We don't have a date set, not because we don't want to get married, but because we wanted to get engaged before we moved out of state so we could be with our families, but we don't want to rush and get married until we're more financially stable. 
We have a great relationship, really. Sure, we both have our flaws. She's a little... er... neurotic, and she would probably say I am unrealistic and naive. We're young. I think that's okay. 

For the 6 years we have been together I've never had a problem with her family. They've always seemed to like me, and though I'm sure they wish I were different (I'm overweight and her dad is a doctor, automatically a bad fit), they've always been MORE than nice to me and have helped me through some tough decisions and hard times. Her sister, though, didn't seem to care much for me. At first. 

Can you see where this is going?

Because she didn't like me at first nothing ever crossed my radar with her sister. She just was. She existed as someone I dealt with and was cordial too. Never an obstacle, but never an option for a friend. Over the last, I don't know, 2 years I guess, her sister and I have become really close. Like, maybe best friends close. We spend a good amount of time together, even when me and my fiance are together, her sister is always around. I'm also very musical, and my fiance isn't (only listening, no playing) while her sister has taken a liking to guitar. Our music taste is the same. Our food tastes are the same. Our movies tastes are the same. 

Lately I feel like... man, it's hard to say. I feel like her sister and I would be a better fit than my fiance and myself. I think her sister thinks it too. I think, maybe, my fiance even thinks it. 

I've been having a lot of dreams about her too. Not sexual dreams, just dreams of being with her. Hanging out. Just being around her. 

I love my fiance. Don't get me wrong. She has taken care of me through some really hard times, she's given me opportunities I could never have before, and she is beautiful, fun, and so, so caring. 

I'm kind of at a loss here. I don't want to go through with a marriage and then resent myself for the rest of my life. I don't want to confront the situation because it could just be cold feet. I don't want to admit anything because maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion. And I don't want to hurt my fiance. Ever. Most importantly, though, I don't want this to be a situation where my brain says "I think this person likes me. It seems like she may be flirting. I like her now, too". 

This isn't a decision on whether to be with my fiance or my sister. The sister isn't an option. I understand that. It's a decision on whether to leave it all now to soften the blow later, or stick it out and see if my feelings for her sister even themselves out.

This is messed up. I read through this form and it is people dealing with the mistakes of others. I hope there are solutions for dealing with the mistakes of yourself.

I want to clarify: I would never, ever, ever, cheat on my fiance. I'm not that guy. Just to clear it up. 

Thanks for reading through this. Turns out typing it out didn't help, so any comments would be helpful. Even hateful ones.


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

no hateful comments from me--we like who we like. thank goodness you encountered this issue BEFORE you got married--whoa!

what does your fiance lack that her sister's got?

is sis more fun? better conversationalist? prettier? does you feel better about yourself when you hang out w/ her?

if you're afraid of marrying the wrong woman, hey, even the bible doesn't have anything to say about breaking an engagement. don't condemn yourself to a life of regret. but think about this:

if you and your fiance did more fun stuff together--shared a hobby, a passion--would you feel closer to her? maybe y'all should take up a cool new past-time together.

if F had funny stories to tell at the end of her workday, cracked jokes, talked random nonsense w/ you, would you feel closer to her? engage HER in conversation. flirt. be witty. see if she responds.

if F's face lit up in a subtle way and you could just TELL she was thinking, "man, he;s smart/hot/strong/whatever"...would that help? do some shameless attention-getting. it's not too late to flirt w/ your fiance!

i ask because we tend to be attracted to people who fulfill us--we all have emotional needs that can't be denied or stifled; we seek them naturally in friendships, work settings, every aspect of our lives. if these needs are not met, we'll always feel vaguely restless and dissatisfied, and go looking elswehere. when they ARE met, we're drawn back to the situations or people who meet them. that's how we fall in love. see where THIS is going?

check out this site: marriagebuilders.com. look at the "emotional needs" questionnaire in particular. does your fiance fulfill your needs? would she if you knew you needed them?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I wouldn't necessarily just assume "I'd be a better fit with the sister than my fiance, so this relationship isn't going to work." Let me ask you this: would you be thinking this if instead of a sister, she had a brother that you were like this with? Sometimes we have friends that we just really, really click with and have tons in common with. Often, that friend just happens to be of the same gender, so we don't freak out if/when we realize that we might actually click better with them than our romantic partner. 

Also, you and your fiance have been together for a while now. The newness, the honeymooon, the first rush of "in love" has worn off. Part of this could be looking to get that feeling again. Try finding ways to make that connection again with your fiance: find new hobbies/interests you two can explore together; read the same books and then discuss them. You say she likes listening to music; you like playing it. There's no law that says to enjoy the same hobby you must both do the same thing. You play your music; let her enjoy listening to it. You're sharing a hobby, sharing a moment, and that can bring you closer together. Have dinner together each night and talk about your days. 

If, though, you really search your heart and you decide that this connection with her sister has made you realize that you and your fiance will eventually be unhappy if you stay together, then it is better to end it before the wedding than after. It will still hurt her just as much probably, but it will make for a somewhat cleaner break. 

And if I were you, I'd always keep that thought in mind that the sister is not an option. Those things just get messy.


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## KDJLAH (Jul 12, 2010)

Thank you both for your responses... Very helpful. I appreciate your time reading my situation and reflecting.

I want to address a few points:

*LadyOfTheHouse*:

One of the great things about my relationship with my fiance is we do EVERYTHING together. There are some things I wish she were more involved in (my music and things like that) but in an average day we're still inseparable. We're each others best friends. 
You kind of made me realize, though, that maybe I am feeling like she isn't making me feel great about myself. See, I think one of the fundamental differences between my fiance and her sister are how they handle money and success. My fiance, as stated above, a little neurotic, needs money to feel successful. Being a young professional seeking out their career, I don't have a lot of money. While this isn't often a point of argument (more a point of brainstorming on how to fix it) she definitely isn't proud of my achievements (enrollment and graduation for one of the top music production schools in the country... a prestigious internship (unpaid)) without seeing a direct benefit of them ($$). 

I've always kind of found this frustrating, but never abnormal. Is it? 

Her sister, on the other hand, because she is more involved in music, holds my accomplishments in high regard. She talks about them with me and asks a lot of questions. Maybe this relates to me feeling like she cares more... like she likes me more. Or as you put it, "fulfills" my needs more. 

My fiance's sister is maybe a little more fun and laid back, but she also is carefree and doesn't have to worry about bills and a household. She is slightly younger, but definitely doesn't feel the same pressures of my fiance. Maybe when our financial situation turns around neither my fiance or myself will feel such a struggle and we will be lighthearted and a bit "sillier" too.

Thank you, also, for the link to that questionnaire. It is very interesting to see the pillars in which relationships are built on. Eye opening. 


*atruckersgirl*:

I think the reason I feel like the relationship won't work is because my male instinct is to "go for it". When I feel like she is flirting with me it is difficult not to flirt back. It makes me think of her. Often. It feels wrong to do that to my fiance with ANYONE... especially her sister, and it isn't a situation where I could just tell some girl that I know to leave me alone and I'm not interested. She will always be around.

She does actually have a brother and we get along very, very, well. I certainly don't feel this level of attraction to him, though. I don't want to click better with someone else than I do my significant other. That seems like a recipe for disaster if I always would rather be doing something else than being with her. 

I am definitely trying to rekindle a new hobby with her. Right now I am away from her for the first time for a few months on an internship and in this time I am going to do my best to lose weight so that we can enjoy going to the gym together, or on a hike, or things like that. 

I've always known her sister is not an option. What a mess! Nothing to make a relationship work like having every single in-law hate you, right? 

Thank you for your suggestion on a solution if things don't work themselves out. Although heartbreaking, I agree it would be better to end it now than wait it out.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

KD, I think maybe I phrased it wrong. I don't mean to imply that your relationship with her is bad because you clicked with someone else. What I meant was...ok, you have her and you have a male best friend. Let's say you, her and this best friend all have in common a love of music, watching movies, photography and cooking. But then, you and your best friend also love to watch football together and you're on a soccer team together. This doesn't mean you love your fiance any less, you just have a couple of other things in common with your best friend. Basically, what I'm trying to say (I think, and it's late and been a long day so I may not be as clear as I hope to be), is that your fiance shouldn't have to meet all of your needs in life. Most, yes...but not all. Think about it: if one person could meet all of your needs in life, you wouldn't need but one friend, right? Yet we all have lots of friends. And if asked, we'd say, "oh, well I go barhopping with Bobby, and fishing with Joe, and Brad and I like to play football...." Each friend meets a different need in our lives. Same with her...she meets that need for romantic love and companionship. And yes, having things in common with her and clicking with her is important, but it's not necessary for you to be clones of each other. 

I hope I made sense. lol


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