# Husband moved out



## lostinthisworld (Jul 31, 2011)

So I have been with my husband 11 years married a year and 2 months ago. Our whole 11 years he has been amazing to me and always would tell me how much he loves me and always gave me plenty of hugs and kisses everyday. 

In january of this year he started to get very miserable and distant he stopped kissing me and hugging me and would not even say I love you. In March I asked him what was wrong he was very upset and said he didn't think we would work. I cried so much and finally he said because we are married he would try and work it out.

Nothing changed with him this distance has continued until end of July when he dropped me off at work one day and told me he had to leave, he cried and hugged me. When I got home from work he had packed some of his cloths and daily things he needs and was gone. He left a note saying he loved me and that I haven't done anything wrong. He said he thinks that he is afraid of marriage and isn't sure if this is the life he wants and he wants to be sure that he won't regret anything in life later on. He wasn't sure if he is leaving for the weekend, the month or forever. He left me $1000 and said not to worry about anything he would take care of me.

I didn't hear from him for a week, until the weekend when he finally send me a text message asking how I was and if I would like to go get something to eat. We went for dinner and he told me he got a basement apartment that is furnished and is a month to month rental with no lease so he can leave if and when he wants. 

He has been gone 6 weeks now we talk almost everyday via text to blackberry messenger. He tells me he loves me again and he misses me we talk about trips we were on and just things we have done. He has taken me out once a weekend for breakfast ,lunch or dinner. And he have hung out at the lake twice.

Everytime I see him he is very kissy and huggy he doesn't act distant like before he actually looks me in the face.

I asked him a few weeks ago how long he is gone for and if he is coming home his response was

" I am going to stay a couple of months since I have already paid I am not going to rush things"

I asked him how many months he has paid he said so far first and last month.

Has anyone gone through this ? Will he come back? Men please any idea of what this could be?

He swears he isn't cheating and has no attraction to other girls and that I shouldn't worry about this he would tell me to move on if that was the case.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going thru this. He may continue what he's doing as long as you continue to put up with it.


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## OKCFunCouple (Sep 5, 2011)

It could be anything and I don't want to put ideas in your head but if he did a 180 degree turn in how he was acting towards you what changed? did his job change? Did something with you change?

If affection is being placed somewhere else he is going to feel guilty hugging and kissing you. It sounds like he is/was a good guy but may be feeling like if he stays away from you he can work our his "issues". I am going to say he is probably not cheating sexually on you based on what you have said. Why?? Because if he was cheating he would not be talking to you more and more, he would not have talked about coming back at some point after month to month is paid. If he was having an affair and liking it he would just keep on doing it and enjoy it... affairs don't have an expiration date (no one know when they will end). 

If I were to guess he met someone that he is having an emotional connection with and instead of hurting you and feeling like he is sneaking behind your back he moved out to see if it is real or not. 

Very good chance that he is not having sex but maybe testing the waters to see if he can live without you and this other person can fit what he wants.

I know this is not making you feel better but I know this very well.


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## lostinthisworld (Jul 31, 2011)

I have talked to him and he insists that there is no other girl , he isn't talking to anyone and doesn't even know any other girls and hasn't met anyone

. He just needs some time to think because he is just scared of marriage and just needs to be sure that he wants this. He has been doing nothing but working since he left and he spends his weekends with me. 

He did get very sick in Jan when this started and was in the hospital he was on heavy meds at the time and he was miserable he never was the same since , he has mentioned that he is depressed a few times and his attitude has changed with his family as well , he refuses to talk to his family or even see them. The only people he is talking to and seeing at the moment is me and he has gone for lunch with my uncle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course he insists there's no other girl. He's not stupid. If he admitted it, you would blame him and get mad at him.

It's possible there's no other girl, of course. But I don't understand why now, after 11 years. Maybe he met a nurse in the hospital and it got him thinking about how he'd never get to sleep with another woman. Sometimes that's all it takes. 

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask him to fill them out with you. it will give you both a clearer picture of what you have ahead of you, whether you can meet each other's needs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But DON'T go to their forums. They will refuse to accept any other answer but that he's cheating and then will berate you for not listening to them.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

lostinthisworld said:


> I have talked to him and he insists that there is no other girl , he isn't talking to anyone and doesn't even know any other girls and hasn't met anyone
> 
> . He just needs some time to think because he is just scared of marriage and just needs to be sure that he wants this. He has been doing nothing but working since he left and he spends his weekends with me.
> 
> He did get very sick in Jan when this started and was in the hospital he was on heavy meds at the time and he was miserable he never was the same since , he has mentioned that he is depressed a few times and his attitude has changed with his family as well , he refuses to talk to his family or even see them. The only people he is talking to and seeing at the moment is me and he has gone for lunch with my uncle.


Any feedback from your uncle?


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## lostinthisworld (Jul 31, 2011)

My uncle said he thinks that my husband is a bit depressed and is over whelmed.

My uncle had the same issue before. He said he got so over whelmed that he just needed time to him self no wife no family nothing. My uncle said he took him a few months to sort out his thoughts. He said it was hard to get over his issues with his wife and family always around and needing him. 

He thinks my husband just needs some alone time to think over his thoughts get over his depression and start missing his wife. He said when he went through this there was no other girl. 

My husband talks to me from the time he wakes up till the time he goes to bed. He talks to me while he eats lunch and dinner everyday. 

I have checked our cell phone bill there is no number I don't know all the money in our accounts are accounted for he doesn't take cash out at all every penny he spends I see where it's going. 

Now my husbands family has mentioned that he hasn't been him self with them since Jan too he is very aggressive with his mother and grandmother. He has not talked to anyone in his family since he has left and tells me they cause him to much stress but he is always asking how my family is and that he misses them.


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## lostinthisworld (Jul 31, 2011)

I do need to add he was on Accutane for a year , I acne drug that has been discontinued due to severe depression and other medical issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then, I'm going to say it's not another woman. He's having a midlife crisis. Your job is to show him that you can have a life TOGETHER in which he still gets to learn and grow and experience joy - not just the day to day marriage BS. Get him this book: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from Help for Men, Mentor for Men, Men's Groups, Relationship Advice, Life Coach. It will show him that he CAN life a great, male, fun life while still being married, that there IS a balance there.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> Ok, then, I'm going to say it's not another woman. He's having a midlife crisis. Your job is to show him that you can have a life TOGETHER in which he still gets to learn and grow and experience joy - not just the day to day marriage BS. Get him this book: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from Help for Men, Mentor for Men, Men's Groups, Relationship Advice, Life Coach. It will show him that he CAN life a great, male, fun life while still being married, that there IS a balance there.


Human beings hate change, and moving out is a big deal. I cant imagine that he simply moved out with nothing major going on in your lives. He had to mention some issues he saw between you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Could be he is suffering from a deep depression. Is he on any meds currently for depression?

I will say, all of the signs of an affair are there. But you said there is nothingi on his call log so it culd be a Mid life crisis like Turn suggested. 

You can only work with the hand that's been dealt. You could ask him hwo he feels and where he sees this going. Don't beg him to come back. That will be the worst thing you can do.

You say this has been happening since January (the disconnect). People don't generally move out for no reason. Where you fighting a lot? Problems at work? Financial issues?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She said he ended up in the hospital in January. That's a pretty big event and a big way to scare a person and get them thinking about their life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I see... yes that is a major eye-opening moment.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I definitely think that your husband is depressed. I expect that the illness has him realizing that he is mortal. He is in the process of reassessing his life and trying to figure out what has gotten him depressed. Sadly, he may have thought that his marriage was making him depressed. I expect he is not cheating, has not cheated and does not have any woman on his mind. 

Is he exercising? Are you exercising? In your conversations you might start asking about bucket lists. Maybe he has some things he wants to do, and maybe so do you. I would look at trying to do some of these things together. I tend to bring up exercise because frankly I was feeling extremely depressed and mortal, and I have started to build up on exercising and it is making a tremendous difference for me. 
You might want to start taking a morning walk and invite him along, or get into a fitness class/gym and invite him along. 

Let him know you are there for him. 

Yeah, I know this is not the typical response on these forums, everyone always assumes that because someone is not happy it is because they are in a EA or PA. I guess I don't assume this because I have felt the same way your husband does, and I have not cheated on my wife or had an EA. 

Try and get him involved in activities with you, and see if you can open up more discussions with him. Sadly there is nothing you can do about how he is feeling about his life, other than being there for him. It is up to him to feel better, but you can help by getting him actively involved with you.


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## lostinthisworld (Jul 31, 2011)

lht285 thanks this is what I truly think is the issue I really think that he deeply depressed. He is slowly showing love in ways he used to before. It's been 6 weeks since he moved out. 

He only took some of the clothes that he needs for work. And some work equipment he needs. He has come to our place during the day too for no reason to hang out while I am at work and never moves or takes anything of his. 

I just don't know how long I have to do this cause he really hurts I miss him so much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have to do it for as long as it takes. Live isn't just about what's convenient or easy.


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