# Damned if I do, amd Damned if I don't ... need to vent badly.



## Feelused (Sep 2, 2012)

Newbie here, so please bear with me ...

I've been married 12 years to a woman that I've know since we were teenagers. 

The last few years have been more a case of "roommates" than a married couple.

We've done the therapy route, and that didn't really help as the wife acted more like a spectator than participent.

In the end, it came down to deciding that we were better off apart.

The wife runs a home business that has been ongoing for almost the length of the marraige. Originally when we were married, she had a good job and shared in the expenses of the home. One day she cam home crying and I could tell how bad this job was hurting her, so I went with the home business she wanted since it was something that made her feel good and I made a decent living.

Over time, I could see that the business was not capable of supporting itself, and told her such. She asked for more time and turned into more grief than I needed, so I let her work on her biz while I worked at mine. 12 years later it's still not good. 

Along the way she engaged with a group that talks of spiritual support, angels, and destiny, and all other sorts of angles. She's really gotten strange, to the extent even that her mom is coming to me crying because she can't talk to her own daughter.

It all boils down to her suddenly telling me that she wants to start a new life on her own. She suddenly wakes up and realizes her biz isn't cutting it, and she makes a beeline to what I've been working my ass to tuck away since I was still thinking that we'd be living on my income. My income was enough for a nice life, but because I paid for everything, saving are etremely limited. 

I've asked her about getting a job to suppport this new life, but the only response seems to be her putting a lot of energy into going after me.

I feel like her personal piggy bank.

I supported her all through these 12 years of marraige.

And in the end I get stabbed in the back.

It's killing me sitting here waiting for her response to what she wants! I can't move forward because we need to sell the house first, and I can't move back.

Other than waiting for her response, is there anything you would suggest doing?

Thanks for listening.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

You need to cut her off and get an attorney. You tell him/her exactly what your wife has told you, then you say your priority is divorce with maximum asset preservation (some will assume this, some will ask what you want). After you have done what you are told, you tell your wife that her new life is going to be apart from you and on her own dime.

You are very fortunate in that your wife has told you exactly where she stands. Many men have stories about how their wives and exes bled them dry for years while hiding their true motives. She has nothing to gain by telling you she's better off alone before moving against your money; it would be very unwise to assume this is not her true feeling.

And, even on the off-chance she is just trying to shake things up (she seems unhappy and to be trying to search for rather than generate that happiness) you don't have to divorce if she wants to reconcile. OTOH, if she gets offended that you are protecting yourself and not letting her do her own thing on your dime, do you really want her around?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She told you what she wants. Give it to her. See a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Protect your finances. Cut her access off to your monies. Do not give her any money. Only pay for food and the house. If she has a cell phone, car, gym membership, ect don't pay for them. She wants to be on her own, that does not mean you have to underwrite her new life style. Tell her there is wonderful world on the other side of your front door and she's welcome to it, on her own. A bit of that should shake her up. If not at least she won't bring you down with her.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I agree with anchorwatch, protect your money, but do not give her any more than what she needs. Cutting her off from food and housing will not make you look good. Get with a lawyer before you make any choices though. They will be better equipped to help you.


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## Feelused (Sep 2, 2012)

Thanks for the input guys ... your support makes a big difference.

I'm seeing a lawyer this week, and I'll fill him in on whats been asked by her, and how to get the speration agreement moving forward.

Whats your thought on selling the home at this time? I mean is it better to sell, split 50 /50 (if she goes for it), or get the lawyer involved first and incorperate the split into the agreement? 

I ask this because once the house is sold, it givers her a money pool to work with?

We sleep on different floors, but anyone who didn't know use would never guess there was anything wrong.

Hard to believe that this is the person I've been with all my life. 

Thanks again for listening.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What state do you live in? Please don't say California (the alimony capital of the world).


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Have the sale of the house put into the divorce decree so that you don't split it and then have her make a run at your assets at the split.

Get documentation of exactly how much you've been subsidizing her current hobby (businesses make money. hobbies eat money) Get this for your attorneys sake.

As far as the rest, yes what they said. I'd also tell her to start packing and looking for a place. YOU didn't ask for this. She did. 

If necessary, change your accounts. Burdensome, I know. BTW, document exactly how much money you have right now so you can show that you aren't trying to hide anything. Hiding assets pisses off a judge and takes up a lot of billable hours...on both sides. 

Stipulate in the agreement that she is going to pay her own attorney and court costs. THAT might be a document you want signed now. At the very least, let her initiate it.

And make sure you do the 180. A simple spiritual life is very easy if you are A) totally dirt poor (i.e. have nothing else anyway) or B) well off with a nice support system. Remove the support system. Don't be a ****, just don't be there for picking up the dry cleaning, helping with the car etc.

This is crap she is taking for granted and it gets to stop.


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