# Not sure where to go from here...



## Toozee (Sep 9, 2009)

I don't really know where to start so I'll just ramble and try to include as much as I can and try to organize it in a way that you can read it. Sorry...

Background Info:

My wife and I met 11-1/2 years ago. We moved in with each other after 6 months of dating (during sophomore year in college). After dating/living together for 5 years we got married. I wanted to wait until we were both out of school before getting married. We were engaged for 1-1/2 to 2 years.

4 years ago my wife gave birth to our daughter. After the pregnancy she went into a slump and was very negative and we rarely had sex for nearly the next year (before she got pregnant it was weekly, which I was fine with). Long story short, she was diagnosed with postpartum depression. 

She went on anti-depressants until just before we decided to have another child. Things were going great with the medication and she did a 180 and was positive about everything again.

After the birth of child 2, almost 1-1/2 years ago, she is back to her negative side, and not just with me but with the kids. She gets frustrated easily and starts demanding and not being civil with the people around her. 

Sex...well that's now a chore to her that we do about every 6 months. I try to be intimate with her but she refuses and says everything is sensitive and doesn't even want me to see her nude. She has lost a lot of weight since before she was pregnant (around 40-50lbs) and looks great. I give her compliments all the time and try to be emotional with her but she pulls away. During sex she just sits there and doesn't show any emotion. She'll only have sex if I ask her, which by now I feel so emotionally detached that I don't care to bother her with it.

I have tried to suggest that she sees a doctor about it but she refuses. I have thought about marriage counseling but fear the costs (living paycheck to paycheck). We nitpick with each other and push buttons until we start arguing and yelling. She says that she doesn't respect me anymore, even though I have no idea why (she refuses to offer any explanation). I haven't cheated on her or anything that I know of to cause this. When I try to discuss our issues she starts getting defensive and aggravated and won't open up about anything.

Evenings consist of putting the kids to bed around 8pm then she watches TV and I usually end up watching with her silently or heading to the gym to workout or sit at my desk and work from home out of boredom. I 'm starting to feel like we are already separated and just meet up in the evenings to help with the kids.

I want to save the marriage but have no idea where to start. I try to keep from arguing but the little things add up throughout the week and they end up getting released on the weekends when we are in close proximity (both of us work 40+ hrs/wk). Where's a good starting point to help us?


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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

She sounds like she is definately depressed again. If the medication worked so well before, why doesnt she want to go on them again? Maybe you should write her a letter and let her know how you are feeling. Let her know how much you love her, how grateful you are that you have a beautiful family now, and that you dont ever want to lose her. She needs to offer you an explanation as to why she doesnt respect you. Maybe there is something going on that you dont know about. But either way, if she cares about the marriage and the kids, she will need to start communicating. If you are fighting all the time, write the letter rather. Surprise her with a "date night" and maybe she will open up to you. Good luck.


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## Toozee (Sep 9, 2009)

Just wanted to report back as to where we are at.

We've been getting along pretty good with only a few small squabbles here and there. 

Plans tonight were for my parents to take our daughter to spend the night and my brother and his wife were going to watch our son. So I got some daisies (her favorite) while her and my daughter were off for the day. Plans changed and parents had to cancel so my brother and his wife came over and watched them both while we went out to dinner.

Dinner was good and it was pretty quiet most of the time we were gone. I kept trying to get a conversation going but it just never really went anywhere. Got home and eventually put the kids to bed. I snuck off while she was reading our daughter stories and lit a few candles in the bed room and was planning on trying to get some romance going.

What I got in return was a snarl and 'my god, can't you wait until she is asleep.' I have no words to even describe how I felt after she said that, it was more the emotion of how it was said. No matter, I thought that after she gave it some time it would be fine. 

She decided to sit in bed with a portable DVD player and watch a movie. I went in after about 1/2hr and asked if our daughter was asleep and I got the nasty snarl and sigh again, so I just turned and walked downstairs.

Feeling like a lump of crap I walked back upstairs after a few minutes and we talked about things. She pretty much said that she was trying to get into her Dr to get anti-depressants but they aren't taking any one new. We discussed a few things that we are going to work on. Myself is to help out more with the kids (difficult sometimes since I am an Engineer and work over an hour away, I get home just before the kids go to bed some nights) and she is going to try to be more vocal on what she needs and is going to try and get into the Dr to get some meds. Not what I was expecting tonight but I think this will help our relationship more than just having sex would have, though I think I would have rather had sex...lol


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