# What to do about the in-laws??



## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

Currently thinking about having kids soon (do not have any yet) but a major deterrant is the in-laws. Getting to know them only after me and H got married, I have found out that they are obsessed about grandkids, and will no doubt be in our face all time when kids come on the horizon. I am sure they will be over daily, barging in every weekend, planning events for us to attend....I can picture it all now, and it just frightens me!!

Is this a sign to get out now?!! I know I can't change his in-laws ways (he is an only child) and he feels obliged as an only son to make them happy. But what about me and my hopes of raising a family with just the 3 of us the majority of the time?

Another problem- moving far away is not an option

Please help...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

They sound like wonderful people! I doubt they will be by daily. This could acutally work out in your favor if you ever need a babysitter. They sound like loving people who are very excited to have grandchildren! I'm sure they will be a great help for you.

I'm looking forward for grandchildren when my daughter becomes of age and finds the right man to marry. I have a few years yet, she is only about to turn 18. Hopefully in 10 years I'll be there. Both our parents are readily available to babysit, which is very nice. Paying a babysitter is $10 per hour. I live in a very rural town and that's what my daughter is paid. Not to mention daycare cost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sometimes what you may see as intrusiveness is just loving excitement.

Give your in-laws a chance. They might surprise you.

Discuss this issue with your husband. 

Talk about how you will set boundaries if your in-laws become too nosy.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

How do your in laws treat you now? I have two sets of in laws H's mom and step dad are awesome and were very excited about the idea of grandchildren. When I found out I was pregnant they spoiled me and when we found out we were having a girl my MIL went crazy and bought every cute outfit. They both love my daughter very much and always offer to baby sit. 

My H's father well I got to know him after H and I got married. They were not excited about the pregnancy and treated me like crap. Once she was born the minute I walked thru the door they snatched her away from me and would only give her back if I had to feed her or change her diaper. I hated being around them and only went at H's request. After that I only saw them about 2 more times each time they had some snide remarks about how incredibly alike our daughter and H were in hair, facial features, etc. then I was told she hopefully also got the brain capacity of her Portuguese ancestry and maybe if she is lucky she will be smart. That was the last time they ever saw my daughter in person. That was 2 yrs ago and I don't intend on visiting them ever.

Talk to your H and set some boundaries if you feel they are necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cam44 (Feb 10, 2012)

LizLolly said:


> Currently thinking about having kids soon (do not have any yet) but a major deterrant is the in-laws. Getting to know them only after me and H got married, I have found out that they are obsessed about grandkids, and will no doubt be in our face all time when kids come on the horizon. I am sure they will be over daily, barging in every weekend, planning events for us to attend....I can picture it all now, and it just frightens me!!
> 
> Is this a sign to get out now?!! I know I can't change his in-laws ways (he is an only child) and he feels obliged as an only son to make them happy. But what about me and my hopes of raising a family with just the 3 of us the majority of the time?
> 
> ...


I think you need to get your head wrapped around the fact that they will become a huge part of your life. I am married with 2 kids and moved across Canada to be near my wife's family. Now that we are here here parents are a huge part of our life. She loves her parents and I cannot stand them. I don't enjoy their company, I have nothing in common with them and they have ran over our boundaries as a married couple and as parents many times. Her mother just came up to help out and was planning to stay for a week. After 5 days she came at me one morning and accused me of rolling my eyes at her. I was really shocked and told her I didn't roll my eyes at her and she said 'yes and that's the 3rd time today'.
I lost it and yelled at her to 'get the f--- out of the house' she started laughing so I made an even worse decision to make a comment about her weight ... so she left.
and so did my wife ... and my wife took the kids and has been gone at her parents for 2 weeks.
My wife now has insisted that I take individual counseling, and that we take marriage counseling before she'll come back ...

My experience is that you marry not just your spouse but the family as well ... and somehow ... someway ... it needs to work ... I am having a very difficult time with this myself


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## cam44 (Feb 10, 2012)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> How do your in laws treat you now? I have two sets of in laws H's mom and step dad are awesome and were very excited about the idea of grandchildren. When I found out I was pregnant they spoiled me and when we found out we were having a girl my MIL went crazy and bought every cute outfit. They both love my daughter very much and always offer to baby sit.
> 
> My H's father well I got to know him after H and I got married. They were not excited about the pregnancy and treated me like crap. Once she was born the minute I walked thru the door they snatched her away from me and would only give her back if I had to feed her or change her diaper. I hated being around them and only went at H's request. After that I only saw them about 2 more times each time they had some snide remarks about how incredibly alike our daughter and H were in hair, facial features, etc. then I was told she hopefully also got the brain capacity of her Portuguese ancestry and maybe if she is lucky she will be smart. That was the last time they ever saw my daughter in person. That was 2 yrs ago and I don't intend on visiting them ever.
> 
> ...


wow ... at least you are not seeing these people. How I WISH I could get my family away from my wife's parents ...


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Cam44 - before my H stopped seeing his Father(they had a falling out) he was always on me about visiting. He knew how awful they were to me but in his mind I was over reacting. Until one day I sat him down and let him know how I felt and that I refused to visit them because they did not respect me at all and crossed several boundaries every time we visited. It was a wake up call to my H because he honestly thought there wasn't a problem at all. I told him when you want to see your father go on your own and I will wait at home.

I suggest you go to marriage counseling and individual counseling. Once you are in marriage counseling tell your wife how you feel about her family and how they have crossed any boundaries. At least that way she knows how you feel about it all. Sometimes and I say this because of experience our spouses believe that their family is a great bunch of people because to them the way they treat others is normal nothing out of the ordinary. I was taught by my mother to respect other people and that is what was normal to me. His father well he didn't think before he spoke and accused me of getting married to get my citizenship and he was shocked to learn I was actually born in this country. h heard what his father said and didn't say a word he dismissed it as "oh my dad didn't mean anything he was just making conversation" because to him it's normal for his father to make comments like that. 

I hope things get better for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

Be happy about this! It is a positive thing that they want to show their love to their grandkids. I saw my grandparents on a daily basis, and I turned out okay! They may not be as bad as you think. However, if they get to be a little too clingy and intrusive, both you and your husband should have a word with them. But it's a positive thing that they want to come visit in the first place!:smthumbup:


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## cam44 (Feb 10, 2012)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> Cam44 - before my H stopped seeing his Father(they had a falling out) he was always on me about visiting. He knew how awful they were to me but in his mind I was over reacting. Until one day I sat him down and let him know how I felt and that I refused to visit them because they did not respect me at all and crossed several boundaries every time we visited. It was a wake up call to my H because he honestly thought there wasn't a problem at all. I told him when you want to see your father go on your own and I will wait at home.
> 
> I suggest you go to marriage counseling and individual counseling. Once you are in marriage counseling tell your wife how you feel about her family and how they have crossed any boundaries. At least that way she knows how you feel about it all. Sometimes and I say this because of experience our spouses believe that their family is a great bunch of people because to them the way they treat others is normal nothing out of the ordinary. I was taught by my mother to respect other people and that is what was normal to me. His father well he didn't think before he spoke and accused me of getting married to get my citizenship and he was shocked to learn I was actually born in this country. h heard what his father said and didn't say a word he dismissed it as "oh my dad didn't mean anything he was just making conversation" because to him it's normal for his father to make comments like that.
> 
> ...


my wife and I have marriage counseling booked this Saturday morning and one of the biggest topics will be her parents and boundaries. I want to be careful and not say negative things about her parents (or family) any more because that doesn't get me any points with my wife, but I want to just describe several instances where they have really crossed the line. Hopefully this way a therapist can be the one to help talk about the need for boundaries instead of it coming from me ...


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