# No remorse



## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Hello,

So I am at the airport now just said good bye to my soon to be ex-husband for the last time. 
Paper work should be filed by July and we will be divorced in a matter of months.
My previous threads explain what happened between us.

I know I will eventually get there but I couldn't help but be bothered by my STBXhusband's lack of remorse.
I told him before how what ended it for me was him cheating on me with prostitutes before marriage....

On our last 1 hour together, he talked about how he is sure this is the right decision, etc and that we weren't compatible (i.e. he is extremely materialist while I am not, etc).
All I could think about was EXCUSE ME???? I was baffled that he didn't express any regret with his past behaviour... He's also said I was too depressing or angry to be around some times and all I could think was "Isn't that because I married a prostitute shagging liar and a spend thrift???"

More over, I agreed to not sue him for any $ with this divorce as our marriage was only for 1 year and I just wanted to cut my ties and not be in the battle/ let the pain prolong.....
What he handed me yesterday was a paper work to sign that confirms the agreement in not going after each other's assets. I was so upset he was going to try to make me sign when all I've ever done was give him my 100% loyalty and care... I told him I had already given him my word and that I was insulted to be presented with this paper and never signed.....

Now I have a big hole in my heart knowing this is over and I may never see him again.
If you have gone through anything similar, please let me know how you get through the first few months of divorce.... Also, I can't get over how he behaves as though everything was my fault... Is he a Narcissist?

After a relationship/ marriage with someone like this, how do you recover? It bothers me that I am bothered by this. Why is it that I KNOW this is the right thing for me but I feel so sad? 

Any help with be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hello,
> 
> So I am at the airport now just said good bye to my soon to be ex-husband for the last time.
> Paper work should be filed by July and we will be divorced in a matter of months.
> ...


If you go and read thru the Talk About Divorce subforums, you will see that there have been plenty of us. Betrayal is a common theme. I am sorry you are going thru this, but there are several things I hope you gain from this
#1 be thankful this happened sooner and not later, you didn't mention any kids so I assume there is nothing to connect you to your ex
#2 be thankful that is was only a year of your life, many of us have spent years more
#3 learn from this experience. I do not know your story, but each of us has one. Whatever lessons there are to learn are unique to you. The pain you are feeling is the universe sending you a lesson.
#4 goes hand and hand with #3, focus on your self to become the best person you can be. Do not try to pick up the pieces and start over. Begin right now to forge a new life for the new you. The whole world is out there waiting for you to discover it. Make that you life's goal.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Hello,
> 
> So I am at the airport now just said good bye to my soon to be ex-husband for the last time.
> Paper work should be filed by July and we will be divorced in a matter of months.
> ...


Sorry. Yes it's painful. Just remember, just because he acts this way doesn't mean all men do. Once you detach emotionally the fact that he doesn't show remorse will be like a giant sign that you did the right thing. Your life is not over, it's a hard lesson learned. Better that took a few years of your life then being trapped for a lifetime. 

I promise you you will get better. You have the potential to have just a much joy as you ever did. This bad relationship hasn't changed that in the least. You are lucky in that you got out avoided worse damage. You are still young, you are not tied to him with kids and you are healthy. All of those things were a risk the longer you stayed with him. Remember what you are feelings is just your brain synapse which has aligned itself in a patter to want him. It takes time for it to reshape itself. 

Some things you can do are exercise. That will release endorphins which are your bodies way of making you feel good. It also gives you daily and long term goals where you can have daily successes to feel good about yourself. Do things that you have always wanted. Take chances. Join groups, meet people. Use this time to learn and grow. Finally maybe get some counseling and read some books just to try to get an understanding why you picked him so you don't pick someone like that again. But also to understand what he is and what you really want to look for so you pick a better candidate next time. Overall the best thing you can do is to grieve but then give yourself the courage to hope again. We all felt like you do, that your romantic life is over. But that is a lie. Life will go on and you will be happy again.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

The pain and sorrow are not only normal, but essential. A part of grieving if you will. You pledged your life to this man and had an intimate (I mean that emotionally more than physically) long term relationship with him. You expected to grow old with him. There's no way losing that can not be a source of great sorrow. And you get the double sorrow of both finding the man you opened yourself up to so fully, was not the man you thought he was, and of the destruction of the relationship itself. 

But as for his lack of remorse is concerned, just think of that as the ultimate proof that you are making the right decision for you at this point in time. It's not like you might have gone overboard or overreacted here. Use the absolute knowledge of you doing the right thing right now as the foundation for building a better future for yourself as you emerge from your grief.


----------



## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Ynot said:


> If you go and read thru the Talk About Divorce subforums, you will see that there have been plenty of us. Betrayal is a common theme. I am sorry you are going thru this, but there are several things I hope you gain from this
> #1 be thankful this happened sooner and not later, you didn't mention any kids so I assume there is nothing to connect you to your ex
> #2 be thankful that is was only a year of your life, many of us have spent years more
> #3 learn from this experience. I do not know your story, but each of us has one. Whatever lessons there are to learn are unique to you. The pain you are feeling is the universe sending you a lesson.
> #4 goes hand and hand with #3, focus on your self to become the best person you can be. Do not try to pick up the pieces and start over. Begin right now to forge a new life for the new you. The whole world is out there waiting for you to discover it. Make that you life's goal.


Ynot, thank you so much for your comments. I will definitely refer back to the points you've made and try my best to learn from this and live a fulfilling life. I am starting my 21 hour journey back home and felt extremely lonely and upset. Thank you so much for taking the time and sharing your advice. It means so much.


----------



## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Sorry. Yes it's painful. Just remember, just because he acts this way doesn't mean all men do. Once you detach emotionally the fact that he doesn't show remorse will be like a giant sign that you did the right thing. Your life is not over, it's a hard lesson learned. Better that took a few years of your life then being trapped for a lifetime.
> 
> I promise you you will get better. You have the potential to have just a much joy as you ever did. This bad relationship hasn't changed that in the least. You are lucky in that you got out avoided worse damage. You are still young, you are not tied to him with kids and you are healthy. All of those things were a risk the longer you stayed with him. Remember what you are feelings is just your brain synapse which has aligned itself in a patter to want him. It takes time for it to reshape itself.
> 
> Some things you can do are exercise. That will release endorphins which are your bodies way of making you feel good. It also gives you daily and long term goals where you can have daily successes to feel good about yourself. Do things that you have always wanted. Take chances. Join groups, meet people. Use this time to learn and grow. Finally maybe get some counseling and read some books just to try to get an understanding why you picked him so you don't pick someone like that again. But also to understand what he is and what you really want to look for so you pick a better candidate next time. Overall the best thing you can do is to grieve but then give yourself the courage to hope again. We all felt like you do, that your romantic life is over. But that is a lie. Life will go on and you will be happy again.





sokillme, I know you've commented on my previous posts as well and I can't thank you enough for your continued support. Your comments made me tear up but in a good way - like someone cares for me. Thank you. I think your advice is great and I will definitely be exercising lots and put all my focus on myself to move forward and better myself. Thank you so much for giving me the lift that I needed.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Ynot, thank you so much for your comments. I will definitely refer back to the points you've made and try my best to learn from this and live a fulfilling life. I am starting my 21 hour journey back home and felt extremely lonely and upset. Thank you so much for taking the time and sharing your advice. It means so much.


You are not alone. Keep posting. You may not like some of what you hear, but such is life. You might even get a few 2x4's upside the head from time. Don't take it personally, it is just that some things trigger more than others and 99.9% of the posters here mean well. But it may be needed and you will appreciate it later.


----------



## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The pain and sorrow are not only normal, but essential. A part of grieving if you will. You pledged your life to this man and had an intimate (I mean that emotionally more than physically) long term relationship with him. You expected to grow old with him. There's no way losing that can not be a source of great sorrow. And you get the double sorrow of both finding the man you opened yourself up to so fully, was not the man you thought he was, and of the destruction of the relationship itself.
> 
> But as for his lack of remorse is concerned, just think of that as the ultimate proof that you are making the right decision for you at this point in time. It's not like you might have gone overboard or overreacted here. Use the absolute knowledge of you doing the right thing right now as the foundation for building a better future for yourself as you emerge from your grief.



Rocky Mountain Yeti, I appreciate your comments and thank you for giving me the courage and confidence that this was the right decision. I think it's because I'm alone right now that it makes me second guess and I'm overwhelmed with this sad feeling.... But now I have hope that there's something way better in the future. Truly, thank you.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Therelocatedwife said:


> Rocky Mountain Yeti, I appreciate your comments and thank you for giving me the courage and confidence that this was the right decision. I think it's because I'm alone right now that it makes me second guess and I'm overwhelmed with this sad feeling.... But now I have hope that there's something way better in the future. Truly, thank you.


Hopefully, you're not truly alone. Tap into whatever support network you have. Even phone and e-mail is better than nothing if you have noone in the local area. If you can, build your new support network. No need to worry about making fast friends, just shop around for any kind of group of people with whom you may have something in common--support groups, church groups, newcomers club/book club/hiking club, you name it. It can really help if you have somebody with whom you share something, even if it is something superficial. Activity is a good thing. Human contact is a good thing. Both things together can be very therapeutic, even if you never actually discuss your situation. It's amazing what a simple friendly hug or hanshake can do. 

Take care and we're all rooting for you.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When one is in pain, they see no future or way out. But when one is free of it, they see things totally differently. 

You are naturally hurting.
Do I think you did the right thing? Yes, without a doubt.

A man that has sex with prostitutes who is about to be married........ that’s a man without morals or self respect. A person that will cheat if the opportunity arises, a person that doesn’t value you.

Add the rest—- yep, you did the right thing.

It still hurts, as you should expect. But don’t second guess yourself. The pain will lessen soon enough. 

I personally admire your strength.
May your pain now be reflected and amplified later by the great joy you will find when you meet a good man to share your life with.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Be careful next time with people who seem too good to be true, this is the front these kinds of people put up at first to lure you in.

I wouldn't be surprised if everything about his life is a lie, for example his wealth might be an illusion created by credit card debit he has no chance of repaying, or perhaps he mortgaged his parents home with forged signatures, he may have heroic stories of his military service which are true stories except for the small detail that some other soldier he met did them.

You dodged a bullet, perhaps 100.

Tamat


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

*But now I have hope that there's something way better in the future. Truly, thank you. *

Anything is better than living with a Narcissist, over time he would have completely undermined your confidence and self-esteem, blamed you for everything wrong in his life make you feel worthless, while you got to watch him exert great charm on strangers and fault you for his having girlfriends on the side. 

Tamat


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Therelocatedwife said:


> sokillme, I know you've commented on my previous posts as well and I can't thank you enough for your continued support. Your comments made me tear up but in a good way - like someone cares for me. Thank you. I think your advice is great and I will definitely be exercising lots and put all my focus on myself to move forward and better myself. Thank you so much for giving me the lift that I needed.


I remember. I remember just thinking is this pain really going to go away? I really didn't think it would. People told me that it would, they were right and I was very wrong. I am paying it forward, one day you do the same. You are going to be OK.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Therelocatedwife said:


> After a relationship/ marriage with someone like this, how do you recover? It bothers me that I am bothered by this. Why is it that I KNOW this is the right thing for me but I feel so sad?


I was married to a narcissist. They can be so darned charming. But it's part of their game. Your husband charmed you as long as you were new, novel, and someone who wasn't making waves or challenging him. He's not going to feel remorse, regret, or sadness. For narcissists, people serve one purpose, and that purpose is to do something that will benefit them.

You, on the other hand, are feeling the normal sadness that comes with the dissolution of a marriage. Grief has its own timeline. Trust me, you will look at this in the rearview mirror several years from now and breathe a huge sigh of relief that it's over.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Therelocatedwife;

Read up on the 5 to 7 step grieving process. You are grieving the loss of a marriage and the dreams and hopes you had for it. So there will be denial, bargaining, pain and anger.........and ultimately acceptance.

Next use this as a wake-up call in learning about serious relationships. That is learn how to communicate and set boundaries with people. Work on improving those skills so you never find yourself in this kind of situation again.

Good luck. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yes you are hurting but time and effort will improve things.


----------

