# Sex with wife or husband WHILE separating or Divorcing



## aston

I've noticed she's become a little raunchier after we agreed on the separation/divorce. Has anyone else experienced this or betterstill are you currently having good sex with the soon to be ex? Got a text message from her today that simply read "wanna *uck tonight?"......NEVER happened in 11 yrs together ok.


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## Jellybeans

It always seems so much better when you are losing the relationship right? If you still want to be married and she does not...I would caution against sleeping with her. She could just be using u to get off and sex always complicates things. Don't reward bad behavior. And yes...I think this is very normal for a sep/divorce. Just don't do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aston

Kellybeans - it's interesting you mention that it seems so much better when you're losin the relationship. There's seems to be this sudden carefree attitude in the relationship now thats like anything goes.
A dangerous slippery slope indeed and the truth is that I'm a horndog lol and sometimes it can be tough to resist. But that being said you could have the sexiest most physically attractive spouse but what lies underneath the body is enough to turn you off. Now all I pretty much do is think about the verbal abuse etc and all the reasons enough to kill and rumbling in my pants. Then again you're there laying next to the person and your tent is pitched at 6AM in the morning lol.......feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Struggling not to do it.....definitely not an easy task


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## that_girl

My husband and I did while separated. However, there wasn't an OM/OW and divorce wasn't an option. I was in therapy and he was working on him. We had a plan--- we just didn't know how long it would take. Thank god it only took 3 months. 

The sex was hot and even since he moved home a month ago, it continues to be hooottttt


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## aston

that_girl: I know RIGHT??!! It's like a sexual "nothing to lose" kinda thing but in a twisted way feels really good......I cant quite explain it. A part of me know it's not going to help and probably does more harm than good, the other part of me is getting an immense rush thats just going wiht it. I'm a *ucking mess lol.


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## that_girl

For us, it was because all the crap finally came to the surface so we were able to be more free without the weight of knowing our relationship was turning sour. 

We're doing well now  I don't know your backstory...so I really don't know what you should/shouldn't do.


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## aston

Well the AWESOME woman I dated who never controlled me, manipulated and was not verbally abusive or tempermental (I blame her Italian-ness for that) turned out to be the controling manipulative tempermental wife not hesitant to launch a verbal assault. Never wants to do anything yet complains we don't do anything, chose her friends over our relationship a few times, disappeared one night or two (claimed to be at her sisters place....I won't even go there), family (in law) boundary issues (I really believe people should realize that their immediate family is THEIR family first and foremost), got me to do away with a few of my friends, My mother (and friends / family) reside in the UK and I've only seen my mom maybe 5 times in the last 10 yrs because STBX thinks shuttling to the UK (mind you I travel ALOT so this still astounds me) is a hassle considering her definition of my relationship wiht my mother doesn't warrant going out of my way.....anyway thats just a synopsis.
So yes.....it's complicated but the die is cast.......but the sex KEEPS getting in the way. THANK GOODNESS she has her period now so PHEW!


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## that_girl

I wouldn't sleep with her unless/until she starts working on herself.


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## aston

yes she needs to work on herself and I need to work on myself too. I've tried to intellectualize it, rationalize it to the point of making excuses both ways but......I think sometimes one just KNOWS.


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## flycessna619

aston said:


> I've noticed she's become a little raunchier after we agreed on the separation/divorce. Has anyone else experienced this or betterstill are you currently having good sex with the soon to be ex? Got a text message from her today that simply read "wanna *uck tonight?"......NEVER happened in 11 yrs together ok.


It's a lot easier to happy and fun with someone when your happy with yourself.. How many times do we see someone go through a divorce and lose weight, take care of themselves, ect... All the things they should have been doing IN the Marraige?? 

You both have "probably" started to feel a little independence and self confidence being sep.. so your having great sex because of it.. and maybe there is a little "absents makes the heart grow fonder" kind of thing going on..

But yes this is a commonplace... 

My concerns would be

*That eventually someone is going to say no... and there might be problems at that point... llike another divorce..

*It could confuse the relationship and force the both of you to get back together when deep down you know you shouldn't

*if there is children involved it could really cause confusion for them if they were to "think" you guys are getting back together and could cause problems there..

* It could keep either of you from moving on and forward in your lives..

I did it during my one and only divorce.. for me it helped smooth over a lot of anger and anamosity between us.. I think we were able to come to some common place and actually begin to like each other enough so that ever since we have had a pretty decent divorce raising one child together.. we ended on a good note (if thats possible  )


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## Almostrecovered

just imagine if you got her pregnant


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## aston

WOAAAA.....yea imagining getting her pregnant just gave me the quickest swimming pool refraction ever! We currently have 2 young kids and belieer me SNIP SNIP has been on my mind for years!
I do see how the confusion can easily spiral out of control though and it's good to get some validation as I've been getting more and more concerned about the physical contact.
It can be tough...and it IS tough because it's got nothing to do wiht her looks ...she's a hottie. But the resentment and the words that have cut so deep make it easier to control no matter how temporary. I just need to find an alternate outlet. Maybe take on more mountain biking tournaments etc....or Cessna can teach me how to fly .


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## Jellybeans

Almostrecovered said:


> just imagine if you got her pregnant


Precisely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flycessna619

aston said:


> WOAAAA.....yea imagining getting her pregnant just gave me the quickest swimming pool refraction ever! We currently have 2 young kids and belieer me SNIP SNIP has been on my mind for years!
> I do see how the confusion can easily spiral out of control though and it's good to get some validation as I've been getting more and more concerned about the physical contact.
> It can be tough...and it IS tough because it's got nothing to do wiht her looks ...she's a hottie. But the resentment and the words that have cut so deep make it easier to control no matter how temporary. I just need to find an alternate outlet. Maybe take on more mountain biking tournaments etc....or Cessna can teach me how to fly .


Flying is great dude.. Maine is not far from CT.. but its a money pit.. think Boat times 10 , 

Hey and if she IS a control freak?? like maybe she's just trying to control you then biting your lip and acting like "your just not interested" might do the trick.. though expect her to get even more forcefull on other things to maintain her status.. 

Had a good friend who went through a similiar situation.. she used the kids (sad  ) and multiple manipulation angles to control him but slowly he got his self esteem back, saw throught the lies, and stood his ground.. she eventually found some sorry sack to latch on to and control him...


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## southern wife

aston said:


> WOAAAA.....yea imagining getting her pregnant just gave me the quickest swimming pool refraction ever! We currently have 2 young kids and belieer me SNIP SNIP has been on my mind for years!
> I do see how the confusion can easily spiral out of control though and it's good to get some validation as I've been getting more and more concerned about the physical contact.
> It can be tough...and it IS tough because it's got nothing to do wiht her looks ...she's a hottie. But the resentment and the words that have cut so deep make it easier to control no matter how temporary. I just need to find an alternate outlet. Maybe take on more mountain biking tournaments etc....or Cessna can teach me how to fly .


Think of it like this: She's just using you for sex until someone else comes along - and it will happen. Then you'll feel used, alone, and miserable without her. So why put yourself through that type of torture? Sounds like she's tortured you enough.

If it were me and I was going through a separation or divorce, sex would not be part of it at all. :scratchhead:


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## that_girl

Almostrecovered said:


> just imagine if you got her pregnant


Yea, thank god my hubs is snipped


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## aston

Cessna, I'm in Kittery, York and Portland alot. At least one full weekend every month so yea let me know if it's a possibility . Already took sailing courses, got my motorcycle license....flying is the next logical step..and intro won't be bad .
Believe me she IS a control freak.....here's a woman who many at times will literally burst into tears if she feels "out of control"...it's THAT literal. Took her to Lyon France once and without remorse violated the first rule of international travel......NEVER ask a frenchman in HIS country if he speaks english! Lets just say the rest of the vacation was interesting in the least.
Other evening I walk into the room and she's dressed in the silkgown she NEVER wears then initiates wild sex....we literally got back to fighting after sex....less than 10 minutes after it she asks where I learn't new moves and who I've been *ucking? 
I'm definitely going to start scaling back.......tough on saturday and sunday mornings though......


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## aston

that_girl said:


> Yea, thank god my hubs is snipped


he's snipped? how does he like that? I read all these side effects etc on google all the time...


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## Lon

aston, with my stbxw as soon as I suspected she was cheating I really didn't want to touch her with a ten foot pole (or six inch one for that matter). That was six months ago and I've not once felt an ounce of sexual interest in her, though last night opened up my fantasy mind to the idea, in it she asks the same thing your W texted you, and I simply go and take her then leave. It was a satisfying fantasy, glad I thought it. No way would I ever do it, nor do I think I'll get around to fantasizing it again, there are much more attractive women out there to think of, or go do, if you need to.


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## aston

Lon I'm with you. I think no matter how physically attractive a person is once the hurt / resentment is there it completely negates the attraction. However in a twisted way an exception or two might happen (and this sounds like me AGAIN making excuses for her).


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## Jellybeans

aston said:


> Lon I'm with you. I think no matter how physically attractive a person is once the hurt / resentment is there it completely negates the attraction.


 Sooo incredibly true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aston

Why can't marriages of all things be smooth and straightforward? you go in looking forward to the future, remember that happy giddy feeling when it all started and when you exchanged vows etc. No one goes in plannign to fail. Then people just change (which is part of being human...we are evolutionary beings afterall).
If anything this makes me afraid of women to be honest and brutally blunt. Makes me very skeptical of peoples motives and agendas when they come into your life......this is NOT a good feeling at all. The emotional turmoil is just draining.


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## Lon

aston said:


> Why can't marriages of all things be smooth and straightforward?


I don't think anyone suggests it will ever be rosy or without bumps along the way. But I think it is a fair expectation that whatever happens, you go the distance together. I suppose you have to protect yourself when you feel threatened, but in normal married life, assuming no actual abuse, where is the threat?

Jellybean always points out on here that divorce is almost always one sided, that only one spouse actually wants it. That is what is so sad about it, that the one leaving can twist the love the other has into something they feel is so abusive they have to get away from, it is tragic and wasteful everytime.

sorry this may seem insensitive aston, I'm not meaning to imply you were not verbally abused and should tough it out, nor that you are twisting this into something it isn't. I don't know your situation, but am simply trying to understand what caused my W to decided she needed to be free from me so badly...


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## Shaggy

Hard to do it with someone who's dead to you. That would be necrophilia which is just way too wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aston

Lon - if your wife decided she wanted to be rid of you then she really needs to communicate "what" it is about you that she want/wanted to be free from. I strongly believe sometimes people meet other people and start to only focus on the faults of their primary partner, whch becomes grounds for wanting a separation. Thats what I have observed. However, in cases of abuse (among many other things)...when the other spouse readily admits they they indeed are abusive or controlling or manipulative and try to justify that as their way of being in control, in addition to readily admitting that it's not good for both parties, then at least you have reason to understand why a party wants to leave the union. Tough questions my friend, no offense taken at all.


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## Lon

Yep, that is the answer many betrayed come here looking for, and will never get, atleast not directly from the source. Though what I found on this site is way more valuable than that answer, what I've been finding here is myself! As an abused you'll find what you need here too I'm sure.


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