# Can a Separation Work?



## Bridalfo (Mar 14, 2014)

My wife and I have been having some severe problems in our marriage and divorce has come up, mostly from her. I have been trying to convince her to continue working on things. One of the main issues we have is that my current job has us about 6 hours from all of our family. We have lived there since we have been married and it really didn't become a huge issue until we had kids. We have two year old twin daughters and my wife stays home with them. She feels that she has no support with them. I help a lot when I am home but she feels pretty isolated during the days. This is at the root cause of a lot of our problems and has created a situation that is very tense and uncomfortable. I am working on trying to get a job closer to family and if I could I would pick up and move tomorrow, however I am under contract with my current employer for another three months and I don't have a new job lined up yet.

I have been thinking about a separation where my wife takes the kids back and stays with her parents for the next couple of months (they are open to doing this) while I work on finishing my job overs here and finding a new one there. It would be hell being away from my daughters but the situation in our home has become so tense and uncomfortable that sometimes I feel we are doing more harm than good by living under the same roof right now. My hope would be that we are both able to take a step back, breath and in a couple months start over (with therapy) in a place where we have much more support and help. My wife has also made some friends that are not very healthy people to be around where we currently are at and getting them out of the picture would only help. 

Like I said I hate the thought of going an extended time without seeing my girls but there is only so long you can continue to come home to a place where your wife acts like she wants nothing to do with you. My biggest fear is that she would just use I'd as a stepping stone to divorce and I a couple months when I am getting ready to move back she would tell me I need to find somewhere on my own and that she is done.

I have not approached my wife about this yet, I was hoping to get some input. At this point I am just grasping for anything that I think could work.
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## chipmaster (Mar 29, 2014)

I know it's hard to take care of 2 year olds but there's no one else who can do it. You are doing good by holding a job and supporting a family. Wait for the three months to get over and look for a job closer to home. Your wife should co-operate and wait. Taking care of a couple of twins is hard work but a responsibility. You are making the money, she is not a teen mom. You should talk to her about not making friends with people who would have a bad influence on the marriage. Tell her that there is nothing you can do about the job.

Be bold about it and don't say it like it was your fault. I feel sorry for men that work hard and provide only to have a wife tell them that they aren't being supportive enough. If this ends up being a divorce, guess who gets weekend visitation...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I really hate to be negative about this, but in theory, separations(either trial or permanent) often sound promising! 

But in reality, they are often far more promising only for infidelity-based relationships much rather than for the monogamous, married ones!*


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I really hate to be negative about this, but in theory, separations(either trial or permanent) often sound promising!
> 
> But in reality, they are often far more promising only for infidelity-based relationships much rather than for the monogamous, married ones!*


Don't separate, you will loose connection and it could destroy your marriage. Why don't you check,out some of the on-line programs for rebuilding your marriage there are three pretty popular ones out there.

If you are interested private message me and I will tell you from experience which one I think is best.

And no I don't work for any of them.. I used one and then tried another and I think the second one would have been much much better for me.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Bridalfo, I am currently facing a situation in which you may find your self. It is not an all bad thing. 

My H and I have had issues for many years. We have been married for 20 years. I totally get where your wife is coming from. Staying at home with the kids is a tough job. The last thing a mom wants is another person wanting something from her, or wanting to touch all over her, due to kids hanging on me and using mom for a personal playground. At least that is what my kids do. 

Can you afford 3 half days of daycare, preschool, or home owned day care. The $100 - $150 it would cost each week is tax deductible and my even save your marriage. 

My H and I are embarking on a trial separation, For 30 days. We are living life as we would if were were divorced. Just to see how I like mowing the yard, and taking out the trash and writing out bills and who knows what else. My H on the other hand is getting limited visitation with the kids, and having to cook and do laundry for himself. 

To protect both of us in the marriage we wrote our own contract. Stating our intents. To have no contact, no phone calls, (unless it is about the kids) how bills are to be paid, when he gets the kids. We also included something about terminating the marriage while the other person is away. That neither of us will begin official separation or divorce proceedings. That neither of us will have a sexual or emotional affair with someone else while we are apart. And to return to the same household after 30 days. If we disagree about returning to the same household then we will do so any way and then take those issues up with the Therapist present. We signed this, we wrote this out together so that everyone's needs were met, and a witness signed it as well so that someone besides us knows what this says. 

Actually we just started this yesterday. WE have been in the same house planning this adn talking to the kids, and making sure all the arrangements were going to work. My H moved to a hotel yesterday, and will be back in 4 weeks. Can this work, my T says there is a 50/50 chance. It does for some folks and not so much for others. There is no guarantee. 

I just wanted you to know that this kind of thing does exist, some T's support this arrangement. Do what ever it takes to make it work for yall. You will spend hundreds of dollars in T, but you know what you spend hundreds of dollars on a one week vacation. Which is more important. You spend the money on your marriage, and you are potentially purchasing as life time together, rahter then a week of vacation. Just a thought.


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## Bridalfo (Mar 14, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> Bridalfo, I am currently facing a situation in which you may find your self. It is not an all bad thing.
> 
> My H and I have had issues for many years. We have been married for 20 years. I totally get where your wife is coming from. Staying at home with the kids is a tough job. The last thing a mom wants is another person wanting something from her, or wanting to touch all over her, due to kids hanging on me and using mom for a personal playground. At least that is what my kids do.
> 
> ...


It sounds like the situations are similar. The problem that I think I would face is that my wife would just go live with her parents and everything would be easy. Her mom would cook and clean and her dad would pay for everything. Then she would start thinking "why would I ever leave this?" 

She was a pretty spoiled kid and everything was always pretty easy for her growing up. So when things got difficult in our marriage and she had the big responsibility of being a stay at home mom and working on a marriage, she has taken the easy way out and just quit. I think separation could work if she were forced to be on her own with the girls and she would see how tough it would be without me. But going and living with her parents would just be a vacation that she would never want to leave (and they might not make her leave) so why would she want to work on things with me??
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She won't. Which is what I said in your other thread. 

C
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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

You are right, she may not. Do you think she would go back home. It is very difficult for some folks to admit defeat, and let others know there marriage is not working, especially their parents. My folks have no idea. 

Hopefully the next 3 months will go by quickly and you will be able to find a job closer to home. That may help on a lot of levels.


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