# Looking for Support -



## hps24 (Apr 16, 2012)

I am trying to look for support and to see if anyone else has any similar experiences. 

My partner of 12.5 years recently in January started on the "i love you but am not in love you with" kick. She has a history of anxiety, depression and panic disorder. The last week of December, I found out that she contacted her ex-fiance from when she was 19. He was physically and emotionally abusive to her, and did things that I could not even imagine. Within 2 weeks of talking with him, she was telling me that she was unsure about our relationship, and made an appointment to see our couples counselor. 

I asked her to see her therapist, and she refused. 

She has stated that she is depressed, and needs change in her meds but won't go to her psychiatrist. 

At the end of January, she got drunk and passed out on couch. Next day she declared "we're done" and that she made the decision the night before, while she was drunk. Later that week she described our relationship as "comfortable, loving, caring, stable, and happy" but that she wants "fun and adventure". And that she doesn't want generalized happiness but moments of extreme happiness. 

She started sending the ******* money, and lied about it. She has shut out all of her friends, and only tells them bits and pieces and lies to them. 

In therapy on a Friday in February she said she had stopped talking to him, that Sunday I confronted her about lying about that. By Tuesday she had decided not to go to couples counseling any more. And shut me out emotionally. She hasn't left the house - even though she had called one day saying "i am in my head all of the time and can't stop thinking. I need peace and quiet and don't care if we declare bankruptcy and the house goes into foreclosure, I just need to get out of there". That night I stated if she needed peace and quiet, she could go spend some time out of the house and that I would keep our daughter there. She didn't leave, and she hasn't chosen to leave the house. She has been lying a lot - to everyone about the situation. She has made new friends from work, and she only tells them a very small portion, and not the truth about the situation, or that this guy, who is way across the country was her ex-abuser. She has created lies and grandiose stories that she even has told him. So not much is based in reality. Expect for that I truly believe that she is depressed and not happy, and wants immediate attention. Maybe feeling that she wasn't getting enough from me due to our work schedules. But she didn't talk to me about any of this. 

I have been trying to focus on me - went to a week long personal growth workshop. 

What kills me is that we have a 2.5 year old daughter, and my partner does not see big picture on how this is effecting our child. Literally we were a happy, stable, loving and caring couple and family up until the day she talked to her ex-abuser. We have our share of relationship issues - financial, both work hard, and a toddler. But when we communicate we have gotten through so much in our 12.5 years. I keep saying that they grass isn't greener - our grass just has a few brown spots that need some fertilizer and attention. 

I am just devastated that she is not getting any help from therapists or looking to adjust her meds. It is like she is showing signs of a manic episode with mixed features of depression at same time. Her moods change on a daily basis, as well. And I am to blame for everything - because I reached out for support to a family friend who is a family therapist, I suddenly became the bad guy who can't be trusted and who betrayed her. 

I am sad. I miss the person I fell in love with, and who would smile, and laugh, and listen, and be caring and loving with me. I miss the mother of my child, and it is so hard to sit back and see someone almost implode on them selves in a self destructive manner. 

Has anyone else experienced anything similar with major emotional shifts in their partner? Has anyone been able to work through this? 

I am by nature and optimistic person - so I have hope. when this all started, I told her that I was here and not going anywhere, and that we could work through anything. She even at one point agreed that most important thing was for me to see a therapist, her to see a therapist and for us to see our couples therapist. I am seeing mine - she hasn't seen hers, and then stopped us from going to our couples. 

She hasn't shown any emotion to any of our friends about her breaking off our relationship. And she doesn't take responsibility - she says "we broke up" not "I decided to end the relationship". 

This is just killing me. I grew up in a home where my father decided not to show up and be a part of a loving marriage - and it sucked, and this is not what I want for my daughter. And I am said that my partner (ex-partner) does not understand how her selfish actions, and unwillingness to get help, or to open up about what really is going on, will effect our child in the long run. 

For now, with her in the house, the mortgage is paid, a roof is over my head, and I see my daughter every day. But she is still wanting to declare bankruptcy - because it is the "easiest" thing to do. And I can't talk with her about other options. 

I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my best friend, partner, and teammate in life. And sitting back and not being able to help her get help. 

Any words of wisdom? Is there hope?


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

in the previous 12 yrs, were there any episodes similar to this? that is a long time for nothing to show up. and what was the reason for the regular therapist's visits--was it just meds?was the trigger for this something to do with the holidays, the loss of someone important,lots of stress,etc? if you can answer some of this information it might help figure out what she is running from.


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