# Advice on wifes emotional affair



## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Hi there, I am new to this forum. Never thought I would of been in this situation. But I thought I had been happily married for the last two years to a fantastic women. But about 6 weeks ago, I started noticing my wife acting strangely, making more of an effort when she went out. So I started looking around, by accident I found a list of conversations with someone she played darts with. Unknown to both her and me her phone backs up conversations to the cloud. Conversations relating to meeting up and talking about sex etc. I confronted her, she said it was nothing, it was all fantasy, but she had met up a few times with this other guy and they kissed a few times in back of van(classy). At this point I blew a fuse. Left the house and didn't come back for a few days. She seemed very upset and regretful about the whole thing.

She went back to her mums, she has been there a few weeks now. During this time I said some pretty nasty stuff, some of which I cant remember due to being pretty upset. But about two weeks ago, we agreed to try and patch things over, never easy. She promised that she would never speak to this guy again. But it turns out she still has been. She says its hard not to speak to him when they spoke every day. Last Wednesday, I told her to pack and go to her mums to decide what she really wanted. At present she has no idea, she seems to think she is suffering from low self esteem and depression. 

I want to try and make it work as I do truly love her, she used to be so much fun, but recently she has been so negative about everything. She says that I am partly to blame for her having this emotional affair. And I have to change(change to what I don't know). 

But I know, she is still hiding things from me as she clams up every time I bring this up. How can I get her to totally open up over the whole thing?. At present I am in total limbo, I have no idea which way I am going at the moment. She has no idea what she wants. 

At present I cannot get these images of them two together, plus the fact this guy is almost 20 years older then her. It seems to me that this guy is not getting any off his wife and sensed an opportunity to get his leg over with a younger woman. But she doesn't seem to see this. Apparently, he is a great guy who told her the things she needs to here!.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Sorry for going on, but this is the infidelity forum!!!

Thanks


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

Sorry forgot to mention, she insists to both myself friends and family. That she never slept with this guy!.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

*Conversations relating to meeting up and talking about sex etc. I confronted her, she said it was nothing, it was all fantasy, but she had met up a few times with this other guy and they kissed a few times in back of van(classy).*

You can't believe for a minute that she did not have sex with him. I'm sorry, but the only way I'd even consider that she was telling the truth is for her to take a polygraph test.

Schedule one and watch the trickle truth start coming in waves...


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

First of all, don't accept any of the blame for her decisions. She made her choices and they had nothing to do with you. If she had a problem in the marriage or with depression, it was her duty to come to you about it. 

Sorry to say, but I would say that much more happened than she is confessing to. "Just kissing" in a back of a van? Seems very unlikely. 

I would make an appointment with a MC right away as you have said you would like to make things work. This may end up being a deal breaker for you, but you need to make steps to heal yourself and decide for yourself. Maybe getting some individual counselling would help with that too.

I would also seriously consider exposing the the OM's wife. She deserves to know too.

Sorry you're here.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

*She says that I am partly to blame for her having this emotional affair.*

And oh yeah, I call bs on this. Her cheating will never be "your fault".


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Even if it was just kissing. That is not an emotional affair. 

Do you really think for one minute that an adult would put themself in the back of a van and just kiss someone they were sexting. 

Cheaters lie. It goes with the behavior. 

Polygraph her if you want the truth. It is a consequence of her actions as she clearly cannot be trusted to tell you the truth. 

If you want your best chance at turning things around. You must act with certainty. 

Do a 180 for yourself
Speak to a lawyer about your options 
Schedule the polygraph. Prepare for a parking lot confession 
Use a var ASAP


Do you want to save the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You can't even get to the stage of "trying to make it work" until she fully owns up to her affair. Don't paper over what she did wrong just because you're afraid. She's dodging responsibility by blaming you, which means she's still in denial at very least. This is not your fault, she did something wrong. She has to take the blame and own up to it. Don't back down on that -- you can't get anywhere until she does.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She meets up and tells you she only kissed him in the back of the van and is now unsure if she wants to remain in the marriage. If you believe that they did not have sex then I have a bridge to sell you. I would strongly suggest:
1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer to understand your options.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would believe such nonsense from you?


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

John Lee said:


> You can't even get to the stage of "trying to make it work" until she fully owns up to her affair. Don't paper over what she did wrong just because you're afraid. She's dodging responsibility by blaming you, which means she's still in denial at very least. This is not your fault, she did something wrong. She has to take the blame and own up to it. Don't back down on that -- you can't get anywhere until she does.


:iagree:

It's been 7 months for me and still haven't made a decision. It really is true that it takes time. No matter what you decide, it will take time to deal with all of this.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Jesus its just pathetic 

Another one

So they talked about meeting up and they talked about having sex

So , they met up and they ...................? kissed?

:lol: :sleeping:

Course they did. 

Kissed, sex or otherwise you need to understand that 'only a kiss' is physical - this is physical as well as an emotional affair 

And you're "partly to blame for ...yadda yadda yadda
The only person who ios to blame for cheating in a relationship is the cheat - that's a given, whatever her or your problems she could have course have CHOSEN to speak to you about it but she CHOSE to (probably) fk around with another man. Great choice and yep that's all your fault. Why not!? 

You need to get a grip and quick so take a look at Rosie's thread 'something very creepy' and learn instantly how to deal with a cheating spouse by going as dark as it is possible to go. You'll find out in days if your marriage is worth trying to save or not.

You try and be 'reasonable' 'respectful' 'pleading' 'understanding' to a cheat, a woman who has already detached from you, disconnected toward another man and all you'll get is more of the same and worse 

It's all here, on these pages all over this site 

Good luck my friend - you'll need it


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Sorry forgot to mention, she insists to both myself friends and family. That she never slept with this guy!.


I'm sorry dude, but I believe that her above claim is Bullsh1t. My advice to you is going to seem harsh, but what she is doing is ugly business.


First, make sure that everyone you know gets to see copies of her texts back and forth with this guy
Make sure that everyone knows that it's still going on and how she is behaving (like a tramp).
Find out if this ass wipe OM is married or has a significant other and expose him.
Don't leave your house, throw her out .... and start divorce proceeding under the grounds of infidelity
Above all, maintain your self respect. The main way you do that is to refuse to be played by her. You don't need her ... really .... especially if you don't have kids.
Finally, if I'm right and this is a physical affair, dump her and don't look back. Why would you want a wife that allows herself to be used by another man?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I'll say it again read Rosie's thread 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/127634-something-very-creepy-happening-my-home.html


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## Pjclarke1978 (Oct 23, 2013)

I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.

I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.

Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.


Screw him let his wife know! Show him consequences.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. *But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. *Seems worried to me!!.


She's more worried about protecting him than reconciling with you. Contact the other mans wife and go see a lawyer.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One of the more common themes on this board, is a new BS coming on here, believing their WS's story that the A was "only" an EA.

There are no absolutes; but based on what you described, the chances that this did not go physical are very, very, small. You should assume it's a PA until you have some evidence that it wasn't/isn't. 

Cheating spouses will almost always only admit to what evidence you already have, and lie about the rest. This is called trickle truth and it follows the cheater's script.

You have to know what you are trying to forgive before you consider R. Your first order of business should be ferreting out the truth. You can either do that by covert surveillance or by insisting she take a polygraph. You'll get all the information you need here if you choose the former.

Once you confirm that this is a PA, and I'm quite sure you will; you'll then have to decide if that is a deal breaker for you. If not or you're not sure, come back here for more advice. We can guide you through the best practices to deal with a WS - to have your best chance at R. Bottom line is that she must receive consequences and you have to be willing to end your marriage to have a chance at saving it.

Believe me when I tell you, most of the posters here, including me, have been where you're at. Sorry you're here.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.


Don't "ask" her about taking the polygraph. Tell her that you have to know the truth, do not trust her, and as a condition of you considering reconciling she has to take the test.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

lol he can't get a restraining order on you for that. But I think you need to cool your jets a little and focus on what you want to accomplish -- the priority right now is not blowing up that dude's family, it's figuring out what to do about yours. I wouldn't make a move against him until you've first made a decision on how to handle your wife. Even if you want revenge, there's a reason they say it's a "dish best served cold." Make a hot-headed move without thinking and you just mess everything up worse.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.


She's giving you ultimatums???!!! Wow, just....wow. The both of them are clearly still only concerned about themselves. If it were me, I'd blow this out of the water right now. Contact the wife, go completely dark on your WW. There is no chance of R unless she gets her head out of her ass. I second checking out Rosie's thread. She's done everything right to test if her H actually wants to fight for the marriage.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

You've said the marriage is over if she slept with him.

Sorry to break this to you, friend, but your marriage is over.

You need to tell the other man's wife. It will help blow this thing up, and it is the right thing to do.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Good job bouncing HER out of the house! It's quite obvious that if she threatens you about telling his W (and he threatens with a RO) that she has more-MUCH MORE to hide than she has admitted.

So go ahead and blab! If he gets a RO, big deal. At WORST, all you have to do is comply with it! Face it-they are running scared and you hold the aces!

And tell the W that if she is telling the truth, she should have NO PROBLEM with a polygraph. Then, turn it on her: if she refuses the polygraph, it's over.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

John Lee said:


> lol he can't get a restraining order on you for that. But I think you need to cool your jets a little and focus on what you want to accomplish -- the priority right now is not blowing up that dude's family, it's figuring out what to do about yours. I wouldn't make a move against him until you've first made a decision on how to handle your wife. Even if you want revenge, there's a reason they say it's a "dish best served cold." Make a hot-headed move without thinking and you just mess everything up worse.


It's a tough decision, but I wouldn't see it as revenge. It's the quickest way end to an affair. And if I were that douchbag's wife, I'd want to know.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.


They've done the deed, he's not leaving his wife for her and both realize now there will be massive fallout 

I think you already know this is over if its the deal breaker you say it is

Get your evidence together and tell his wife.

No restraining order will stop it. He's chitting himself .........(which is quite funny actually)


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over.
> 
> But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family.


To your comments, in order:

Too bad. If that's the route you take, you have to be prepared to D if she refuses.

That's why knowing what the truth is so important. Like I mentioned earlier, you have to assume it is a PA - until you find out otherwise.

She's trying to protect her affair partner and manipulate your fear of divorce. This is a typical cheater tactic and it shows that she thinks she's in control of the situation. You have to show her differently.

One other thing her attitude shows - She is not remorseful. Frankly, right now your mindset should be that unless you get the truth from her and after that; unless she demonstrates remorse, you're heading straight to D.

She needs to understand what it's like to loose a husband for cheating, for that remorse to kick in - if it will at all.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

I agree with the others, he is scared that his wife is going to find out. It is unlikely he is planning to leave his wife for yours. Blow it up now and make him show his cards. He will have to focus on trying to save his marriage and your wife will see him for what he is ... someone trying to get in her pants. Then, you can decide if you want to take her back - once she meets your conditions (full disclosure, polygraph, NC letter, etc). Don't just sit there and let her decide what she wants.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Pjclark, you still want it to work? Are you kidding me? Is your self esteem so low and your knowledge about being a man so non existent that you would actually think that there's a future?!? You send her to her moms to think and decide?!? You leave it up to her?!? My god your standards are lower than a snake! Where is your self respect? You have zero wisdom. You have been treated like an idiot, with zero respect but you stay on the game to eat some more sheet. You are not a man....you are a toilet!
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


You know, I try to respect all poster's opinions here and I realize that sometimes BS's need a 2x4. But the level of this attack crosses the line. There's a way to get OP's attention without resorting to this.

OP, if you're still around. Keep posting. There's solid advice here, but sometimes you have to be thick skinned to get through all of it. Regardless, I'm sure all of us want to see you get the best outcome out of this, whether you D or R.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do not cower to her OM's demands. You will only look pathetic to everyone involved if you do. You owe that ********* nothing. He doesn't tell you what you can and cannot do. 

If he says don't contact my family. That should be your first course of action. If he wants to take out a RO after the fact let him

If you cower to his demands. He is the man and you are the dope 

Also if her sleeping with him is a deal breaker. I think the deal is broken. Her story makes no sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

You are in the driver's seat my friend. I've been there and so have hundreds on this site. They are running scared and do not want any consequences.

Go ahead if you have the evidence and make 100% sure it gets to the other man's wife.

Your wife has no strategy by her threat to you. How ridiculous would it sound if someone asks her, "what happened", and she said "well I had an affair and I left my husband because he told my lover's wife". If she told me that I'd laugh in her face.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

Do not let your wife threaten you and protect this POS.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Two adults were sexting, they decided to meet up in the back of a van and they just kissed.

Of course. These things happen all the time.

She cheated on you and still dictates you on what to do and what not? 

Very soon I'll be interested in learning how these cheaters get THIS emboldened. "Beta" should not be the only answer, something else must be at play here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Go ahead and expose.

then take your time whether to r or not.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Pjclark, you still want it to work? Are you kidding me? Is your self esteem so low and your knowledge about being a man so non existent that you would actually think that there's a future?!? You send her to her moms to think and decide?!? You leave it up to her?!? My god your standards are lower than a snake! Where is your self respect? You have zero wisdom. You have been treated like an idiot, with zero respect but you stay on the game to eat some more sheet. You are not a man....you are a toilet!
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


And you are a complete twat 

What kind of advice is that. The guy is on his knees and needs you kicking him in the balls ?

Do some growing up


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You know PJ, the minute your WW and the OM said not to expose they pretty much just admitted their guilt.

I say expose.

You really have nothing to lose by doing so.

The OM wins and your wife pays no consequences for her lousy decision to cheat on you.

If your wife gets angry and says she wants a divorce.

Show her another consequence.

Expose the affair to her family and friends. 

That is how you treat a cheater.

You expose their affair and their lies.

Right now they are painting you as the crazy jealous husband.

Do not let them do this.

Expose.

HM


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Ask her to take the polygraph test. 

Go ahead and send the information to the POSOM's wife. 

Get a restraining order to get him away from your family.

If she will not take the polygraph test, go NC with the POSOM, give you a timeline and diary of the affair and the sex she had with him, get tested for stds, and become transparent, file for divorce. 

Go NC on her and get her out of your life. She does not respect you. Respect yourself.

How would she feel if you "kissed some female in a van"?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I see you're in the UK, but FWIW, ROs are issued only if the petitioner can prove reasonable danger to their safety i.e., "He threatened to kill me"...

...I don't know of any judge that will issue a RO to someone who is afraid that his lover's husband is going to expose an affair.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You've been married for less than 3 years and she found someone else to get intimate with. Apparently she thinks your marriage is in the doldrums and thinks she has the right to explore other options. Which means you are merely AN option NOT a priority. 

If you read other threads here you will come to know that cheaters lie. Cheaters manipulate and cheaters have their own language: Cheaterspeak "we only kissed once" translates into "we had full sex multiple times.

The reason she's been cross with you during her affair is to justify the affair to herself. She found fault where there was none so she could rationalize and tell herself that you deserve what she's doing. 

Her threat about leaving you if you reveal the affair to the other man's wife (OMW) is proof that she believes she holds the cards. Is that what you expected from her? Did you know this side of her? Believe me this side of her personality will manifest itself more and more as the years go by. 

Don't do ANY marriage counseling (MC) until you are certain that the affair is over AND you are certain that she is committed to faithfulness AND openness in your marriage. There can be no secrets. She has to answer your questions in order for you to be able to decide if you want to continue with the marriage. 

You are young and there is no need to rush into 'forgiveness' in the hope regaining what you thought you had in your marriage.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. *But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!*.


This tells you EVERYTHING you need to know. 

If a guy had the kind of interaction with my wife this guy had with yours and then THREATENED ME!!! OH BOY WOULD IT GET GOOD.

My response would be "so you can say "quote some of their best texts" to my wife and you THREATEN ME about telling yours?!?! Have fun at home."

And I'd IMMEDIATELY call and forward to his wife.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

She is defending OM and cares about that more than her M.

Of course she would lie to her parents. She doesn't want them knowing she is cheating on her H.

She has obviously told OM you caught her, hence his panic about you telling. This POS is probably doing every thing he can to prevent you contacting his BW.

I say find his address and go see her directly. He will probably throw your WW under the bus to save his own worthless a**.

When the A crumbles from the exposure, then file for D and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she doesn't confess all, agree to counseling, and offer you access to her communications to verify NC with this POS, then you are done with being married to her.

Also, expose the A to all friends and family. This protects you from her rewriting the M into you being a horrible monster.

She has to see that she is about to lose everything for you to have a chance of saving your M if you still want it.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Even if no cheating occurred, I WOULD call that azzclown's wife and tell about his "behavior", and demand a leash on her rabid dog of a husband.

Dad'n'hubby is right - if he were to threaten me.. he would find his ripped-off head in his backside.

The entitlement of people.. incredible.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

They could kiss outside the van. They could kiss in the front of the van. There is only one reason they went in the back of the van to 'only kiss'.

You _know_ what really happened back there.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family."

Oh and OP, the above quote indicates that your wife and OM are walking all over you in tandem. Meaning they are preparing to go underground with the affair.

Unless you expose, and quick.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hi PJ

First of all, really sorry that you are here but you came to the right place. Here are my thoughts on what has happened so far and what you need to do (in my traditional bullet list form):


This is a physical affair - the two of them have more or less confirmed it (him threatening you with a "RO" and her "kissing" in the back of a van). You have already said that if it was a PA, then the marriage is done. If this is true, then start preparing for the marriage being done.
You need to get as much real evidence as possible (emails, pictures, recorded conversations etc) and put it away somewhere safe. Maybe getting a couple of VARs and planting them in her purse, around the house, in cars would help.
Does this guy play darts with your wife in a pub near your home ? If so, you need to be aware of where he lives (because he knows where you live) and you need to be careful.
He is an opportunistic scumbag and while I don't know what ages we are talking about, he is definitely preying upon a younger woman in pub (typical low-life).
You need to lawyer up, protect your finances and assets, and file for D - even if you change you mind later and decide to R.
She needs to come clean and if necessary, take a polygraph test. She needs to understand the full ramifications of not doing this - spelt out in simple words!
If she truly is remorseful after you file for D, then she needs to understand what she needs to do to make her a better person (knowing that this does not guarantee a R).
You need to start working on yourself - get healthy and fit, do stuff that you like to do, do a 180 on her (sounds like you have already started this) and read the recommended literature on this board.
And finally, you need to blow this scumbag out of the water and expose to all around him and your WW.

Once again, sorry you are here but you will receive a ton of support from the good folks here. Take care.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.


 Ok friend. Lets put the cards on the table shall we? Whose having the affair, YES AFFAIR? She is. Whose she blaming the affair on? YOU. Whose making demands and threats about ending the marriage if the instructions aren't followed to the letter? SHE IS. 

Right now your slowly giving her the power to dictate what's going on in your marriage. Right now she feels like she can do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it and where she feels like doing it. Remember who started this mess?

You MUST and I hope you do grab the reins of this marriage and regain control. 

You need to sit her ass down, let her know just WHO IS AT FAULT, and let her know in a way that your not playing games with her. You let her know that your setting up a polygraph test and she has two choices. Either take the test or bunk out in the back of the van with the OM. Then you call the OM's wife and let her know what's going on and if your wife finds out then you tell her that if she would behave like a responsible wife rather than some teeny bopper fooling around in a van we wouldn't be in this mess. You let her know that she broke the bond of trust that you had and it's UP TO HER TO REPAIR THEM! Don't ask her to take the test. She lost that right and she has no one to blame but herself. DO NOT LET HER DICTATE THE TERMS. Your the one that got kicked in the ass and she has a choice to either act like a wife or throw her out and tell her that once she's gone that there's no sense in turning around because there's nothing there any longer. She's doing everything in her power to put the blame on you and if you allow this, then you lose in a big time way. You've already been disrespected once and it will get worse if you don't stop it now. She's defending the OM and putting her husband second. That's not where you belong. Either you come first or she can go.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Please tell the OM wife. I am a BS and I lack hard evidence. It's driving me crazy. I would love someone to come forward and tell me what my H has done. It is possible that the OM's wife is in this situation and is praying daily for closure or revelation. And even if she's clueless, if her H is doing this with your wife he has to have done it before with others. The OM's wife needs to protect herself. You will be doing her a favor.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over.


 If them having sex means that the marriage is over for you, then it is over. There is no way that this guy who is 20 years older than your wife would talk about having sex with her, meet up with her in the back of his van, and only kiss. They are not in high school anymore. They are both married adults, where romantic relationships include sex.



Pjclarke1978 said:


> But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over.


 She just told you that protecting the other man (OM) is more important to her than her marriage to you. She also just told you that she had no real remorse for cheating on you, and thinks that she has the right to dictate the terms of your relationship going forward. This, along with the fact that she found it too hard to give the other man up after she was caught, tells you that this marriage is over unless you are willing to look the other way knowing that this OM is doing your wife in his van. Look up the word "cuckold", because that what staying with her will make you. 



Pjclarke1978 said:


> He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.


 He has nerve. He just told you that even though he is having sex with your wife, you need to STFU as you are not allowed to even talk to his wife. He is cheating with your wife and kicked sand in your face. As a matter of self respect you need to show him that you do not fear him by contact his wife immediately to tell her. If your wife leaves the marriage over protecting the other man, this would confirm that her loyalty is to him and not you, and that you do not have a marraige worth saving. BTW, he can no more get a restraining order against you contacting his wife, then you could get a restraining order against him to stop f**king yours. I almost wish that he could get one, because in getting one he would need to tell his wife why he was getting it LOL!!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

So, he bangs your wife (sorry but that is what happened) then, this coward has the balls to threaten you? And your wife also threatens you, defends him, and then blames you for it all? Oh. Hell no. You are only 3 yrs in, why even try to save this? No matter what you decide, light them both up. Seriously. If you do not expose you have no shot here. Your wife has no respect for you, and will have even less if you dont get control of this. Being nice and indecisive is the wrong way to handle this. My advice: file. Then expose. Then go dark. You will show them both they did not have a full understanding of the man they were screwing with. She told him, you were a doormat and would do nothing. But, she was wrong, right? Right?

You have to go against your nice guy instincts. That is hard to do. But you must. She does not get to dictate anything. And from now on, with regards to this, you dont ask her anything, you tell her. If you are serious that sex is your dealbreaker, its a wrap. But if its not, then in my opinion, you must do the same thing. File. My ex wifes fog lifted real quick when she got served.

Good luck. And dont be afraid. The worst has already happened.

Ill will.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> *Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over*. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.



This is why she will NEVER tell the truth.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Wow so the guy who is messing around with your wife is calling the shots...must be a real Alpha!

Tell his wife asap


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Carlchurchill said:


> Wow so the guy who is messing around with your wife is calling the shots...must be a real Alpha!
> 
> Tell his wife asap


This guy is owned by om.should have told his wife already
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> This tells you EVERYTHING you need to know.
> 
> If a guy had the kind of interaction with my wife this guy had with yours and then THREATENED ME!!! OH BOY WOULD IT GET GOOD.
> 
> ...


I respectfully disagree. I would skip the conversation with the OM and directly send the quotes to his wife and let the chips fall where they may.

Then I would smile.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry friend! But "Cheaterspeak's" translation for kissing = full-blown sex! Your W must undoubtedly think that you're a dupe!

You have every right to be mad! Give her the air!*


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Sorry friend! But "Cheaterspeak's" translation for kissing = full-blown sex! Your W must undoubtedly think that you're a dupe!
> 
> You have every right to be mad! Give her the air!*


Some more cheaterspeak from the WS's piehole. How many of these have you heard? From the MB board....



indiegirl said:


> Here is my top ten of things waywards lie about
> 
> 1) It was an EA only
> *It was a PA, but if I tell you the truth that will have to stop and you will probably leave me.*
> ...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I respectfully disagree. I would skip the conversation with the OM and directly send the quotes to his wife and let the chips fall where they may.
> 
> Then I would smile.


Oh I agree, I'm referencing the fact that obviously the OM has communicated with the OP. It was at this communication my response would have been heard. I would NOT seek out communication with the OM.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

You need to wake up.
You really think she texted a guy about meeting up for sex and then they just kissed? She lied to you about cutting contact with him and she blames you for her "EA", and now the ****ing OM is trying to threaten you if you contact his wife? 

Both of these people are idiots, give me the names I'll expose them for you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Expose him to his wife, this a must to break up an affair. It has nothing to do with revenge. If you don't blow him up, no one, including your wife will ever respect you.

Also, put him on cheaterville.com


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OP, you are thinking. Good. You have nothing to lose by studying your thread and others.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

someone90 said:


> You need to wake up.
> You really think she texted a guy about meeting up for a sex and then they just kissed? She lied to you about cutting contact with him and she blames you for her "EA", and now the ****ing OM is trying to threaten you if you contact his wife?
> 
> Both of these people are idiots, give me the name I'll expose them for you.


Ill pay you to let me expose them. I wish my wifes om was like yours. The things i would have done...


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Ill pay u to let me expose. I wish my wifes om was like this. The things i would have done...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Stop talking to the OM and expose. Don't tell anyone, just expose.

My wife gave me the same line, "We only kissed". When a cheater says "we only kissed", it is code for "we have sex". And she admitted to being in the back of his van when she did it. They had sex, and had it several times.

Here is what I would do.

1. Send the evidence you have to the OM's wife. Don't tell your wife or anyone else.

2. Get an attorney, fast. Don't tell your wife.

3. Get tested for STD's and tell the OM's wife to get tested as well .

4. File for D. You can always stop down the road, but be serious about it.

5. Polygraphs are a waste of money and might create more questions then they resolve. The only reason I would go that route is that the person might break down prior to the test, but in my opion they are not very accurate.

6. Start the 180.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

```

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Pjclarke1978 said:


> I still have a hard time not believing the not sleeping with him. I have asked her countless times and the answer is still no. But at same time, I cant believe that she would lie to her parents over it.
> 
> I'll ask her about the lie detector test, but pretty sure she wont like that. But at same time, she lied to me, if she wanted to be completely honest, she shouldn't really say no, other then that it makes her spill her guts.
> 
> Basically, if she slept with him. Marriage is over. Marriage is sacred as far as I am concerned. Its already on shakey ground. As for telling his wife. I have the full list of conversations saved to word.doc. But she has said to me if I tell his wife, its over. He has contacted me, warning me he will get a restraining order on me, if I contact his family. Seems worried to me!!.



Aw hell naw. This would make me even more determined to tell his wife.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

illwill said:


> Ill pay you to let me expose them. I wish my wifes om was like yours. The things i would have done...


Sorry buddy, I called it first!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Thats fair.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Pj are you still around? Are you OK mate ?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

pj started a new thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/139706-wifes-emotional-affair-what-hell-do.html


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