# Husband just went nuts



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

OMG I'm sitting here typing this and I can't stop shaking. My STBXH just went off the deep end. Screaming at me, getting in my face, saying some really bad stuff:

- if you ever get a man again......
- you're a f*%#ing b___ch
- you c__t (I hate that word more than any other)
- I hate you

It all started because I asked him when he is going to own up to his part in the demise of our marriage. This was after he told me he deleted MY friends from his facebook and I asked why.

He refuses to move out and I can't afford to move(SAHM). I am stuck with this crazy man terrorizing me. He's lost it. 

Monday I need to file the papers and an ex-parte order for spousal and child support because he also threatened to stop giving me money.

OMG how did I get myself into this situtation?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Can't get a restraining order for him doing that. He knows it too, he's a cop.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hmmm.

i dunno.
but whenever i was really mad at my wife she would give me a kiss and tell me she loves me.
calms me right down, melts me pretty much.
if that doesnt work sex sure does.
you could have sex with him. That would probably work.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

im so sorry. sounds alot like my x- controling, verbally/emotionally abusive? i was a sahm for 5 years when i filed. he stopped giving me money, turned off my cell phone, and put spywear on the computer and a tracker on my phone. i litterally had to pawn my jewelery and borrow from friends until i got a job and my first check.

the things with abusers, is that they are master manipulators. they don't slap you or put you down on the first date. the comments are slow and even start as "jokes". the control comes off at first as him "being the man" or "because he loves me". before you know it, you feel trapped, and have little self worth. until you can get the papers filed and get him or you out of the house, be as nice as possible. play his game- it will keep you safe.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

bribrius said:


> hmmm.
> 
> i dunno.
> but whenever i was really mad at my wife she would give me a kiss and tell me she loves me.
> ...


I can't even laught at this. We have not kissed, hugged or had sex for a year.... I can't stand him and he apparently can't stand me.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Okay I get the verbal abuse, but why did you engage in the first place? Why are you asking him questions that don't even matter?

Neither of you is going to really own up to your part in the demise of the marriage (at least not yet). 

You need to avoid these situations until you're separated. And you're right, there's no way to get a restraining order just because he got in your face and said those things. 

Stop pressing his buttons. He will press yours, but it was your decision to leave and divorce him. He's reacting now. He's allowed. Just like you're allowed to leave him.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I can't even laught at this. We have not kissed, hugged or had sex for a year.... I can't stand him and he apparently can't stand me.


very fine line between love and hate, 

just sayn


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> OMG I'm sitting here typing this and I can't stop shaking. My STBXH just went off the deep end. Screaming at me, getting in my face, saying some really bad stuff:
> 
> - if you ever get a man again......
> - you're a f*%#ing b___ch
> ...


Oh, god...and he's a cop. What a mess. What an A$$HOLE! Are there any officers that you know that may be sympathetic to you? You need to get help before he starts getting physical

Do you want the TAM boys to come visit


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bribrius said:


> very fine line between love and hate,
> 
> just sayn


dude...drop it...


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Other officers? HA! He's been telling everyone at work what a you-know-what I am and how he's dumped me, and that our marriage failuire is all my fault. He's faultless. He's the golden boy to everyone else. 

If I ever told any of his friends or family any of the things he has said and done nobody would ever believe me. "He's such a nice guy". I know they would not believe it, because I have tried and they scoffed at me and said "... wouldn't do that". I knew it was pointless to try to give anybody my side of the story.

Thanks for the offer of sending the TAM troop I have nobody here. I'm from another country, moves here to marry him 12 yrs ago. People say just move out, I can't move out I have zero money, he controls his paycheck (I have no access to it) and I've been a SAHM for nearly 10 yrs.

What I do have however, is CA divorce forms filled out and ready to file, and access to legal help at the court house. I will be making an appintment to see him ASAP. I want STBXH out of the house asap. I don't want to live in terror any more.

I never thought my life would end up this way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> OMG I'm sitting here typing this and I can't stop shaking. My STBXH just went off the deep end. Screaming at me, getting in my face, saying some really bad stuff:
> 
> - if you ever get a man again......
> - you're a f*%#ing b___ch
> ...


"If you ever get a man again" is so a threat. You do not need to prove that he said that. So what if he is a cop? Just move out. If he is a cop then you moving out will be a significant stressful event in his life and it will be brought to the attention of his superior officer and he will not be put back on full duty until his private life is in shape again. 

Plus I am assuming he has a gun in the house and he is obviously losing emotional control of himself. The gun's presence is threatening, because he has it and you don't. Plus he has training that you don't in how to use his body and his voice as a weapon. 

Being a cop is a 2-edged sword. It does hold him to a higher standard of keeping domestic peace, in his own home. Because he is technically a publicly acknowledged trained killer. For him to even raise his voice in any kind of threat to you is harassment and it is domestic violence. 

But who cares about technicalities? It's a troubling and stressful situation and you should just pack your essentials and walk away from it. Stop overthinking all the ways he has the upper hand and instead of looking at hands look at your two feet. They are your best friends! Be glad you can think and you are not disabled, which might not be the case if you stay with this man. Abuse can make you mentally disabled. He knows this. He is used to controlling situations with his voice and demeanor to intimidate people. 

Stop thinking of him as your husband. If you didn't know him, at all, what would you think of the way he approaches a rational discussion of something that is troubling to you and is brought up in a respectful manner? Suppose your next door neighbor reacted like that? Or an acquaintance, or a manager at a grocery store or a bank when you had a legitimate complaint? Or a nurse or a doctor?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

We don't have a gun, we have 3. 2 semi auto pistols with clips that hold 16+ and one semi auto assault rifle. Scary.... it terrifies me because yes his episodes are getting more intense.

Monday I am filing papers along with an ex-parte order for an emergency hearing and will ask the judge, based on current circumstances, to have him rmeoved from the house immediately. I should also have a support order in place by the end of the week.

Any what would I think if someone else reacted the way he does.. I would think they are unbalanced and I would not befriend them or put myself in a vulnerable position with them under any circumstances.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Have you spoken with an attorney yet? I'd recommend doing so immediately. Many states even offer free legal help. If you contact a social worker, they will also know of local resources.

Could you and the kids stay with a girlfriend for awhile, or relatives? His temper sounds scary. Please remove yourself from that situation.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Broken,
All you need for a restraining order in all 50 states is "reasonable fear" of bodily harm. His profession will NOT protect him in court. Please file for a DV restraining order ASAP. Include spousal and child support in the restraining order. Be careful because "forcing" him to pay may trigger a violent reaction and a protective order is, after all, just a piece of paper. When seconds count, the police (his fellow officers) are just minutes away.

Is there a safe place you and your children can go while this process plays out? Somewhere where he won't think to look for you? As far as I know, there are no such things as ex-parte orders for spousal and child support. You file those orders and he is served and then a full hearing is held with him there. Ex-parte orders are only given for truly emergency issues (spouse leaves and other spouse doesn't work, etc). Restraining orders ARE given ex-parte and INCLUDE spousal and child support provisions. To fight this, he will have to file D and negotiate the issues.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> "If you ever get a man again" is so a threat. You do not need to prove that he said that. So what if he is a cop? Just move out. If he is a cop then you moving out will be a significant stressful event in his life and it will be brought to the attention of his superior officer and he will not be put back on full duty until his private life is in shape again.
> 
> Plus I am assuming he has a gun in the house and he is obviously losing emotional control of himself. The gun's presence is threatening, because he has it and you don't. Plus he has training that you don't in how to use his body and his voice as a weapon.
> 
> ...


A lot of your listed statements about police officers in regards to limited duty, higher standards, raising his voice being domestic violence, trained killer, etc is really off the mark.

OP, Sorry to hear about all this. You should see an attorney to evaluate your best options.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I just want to clarify I HAVE NO MONEY, no relatives in this country, no job, nothing. I can't move, I can't see an attorney because I only have $47 to my name. 

And my $1600 rent is due on Monday.

He gets his paycheck put into his own account and gives me what he thinks I deserve. For 10 yrs we had a joint account but 9 mths ago he closed it and opened his personal account. He has fully controlled all the money since then.

I have been desperately looking for a job for about 6 mths, had one interview out of maybe 150 applications, and they declined to hire me because I had "no recent experience" or recent references. I guess that's true since I've been a stay at home mom for close to 10 yrs!

I've also applied for countless entry level jobs, ie: Starbucks, Supermarkets, etc. Nada... never even got a reply.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It is things like this that I really wish I was independantly wealthy, and I could just send $5000 and not even think about it...my heart is really going out to you...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Have you looked into women's shelters? Any friends to stay with?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You and me both, Sam! I gave up a 6 figure career to move to the States and marry him. If someone would have told me 12 yrs ago I would end up like this, terrified, broke and no where to go, I would have said no freakin way. It would have been a rediculous joke. I have come a long way down and this is the end of this nightmare for me. I'm done with him. 

I want him gone. Tomorrow. The only words I ever want to speak to him again are if my son's name is included in the sentence. He has damaged my life beyond comprehension. I'm not going to allow him to do a single minute more of damage and abuse.

What really makes me sick is he blames me for everything. And every day its something new. Its like he's making stuff up as he goes along. He is seriouslly mentally ill and in my opinion needs serious help. He sees a shrink and gets anti depressants and also sees a therapist but I know he tells them he is fine and everything is rosy for him, I'm the problem. The shrink buys it but the therapist does not. 

Of course he loves to remind me how he'll find someone else who he'll be happy with.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Pay no mind to things he says. Focus on this inner strength, your determination to have a better life with yoour child. Your attitude is great, you are a survivor -- don't forget that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Broken,
You should follow the advice I have given you above if your H is truly abusive as you describe. Not sure what state you are in but here in VA, the protective order is granted the same day and served the same day. Service will be easy since he is a police officer. Once served, a full hearing will take place in a couple of weeks (14 days here in VA). At that hearing, the issues can be made permanent (up to 2 years here in VA). In the order, you can request that, as an alleged abuser, he pay for the rent, utilities, and reasonable support. The court WILL grant this if you ask, but you must ask. The only other option for you is to file D and request temporary orders for support at the first hearing. Since you are not physically separated, you don't qualify for spousal and child support.

Having said this, the protective order is a "nuclear" option and should only be used if he is TRULY abusive to you. Anything else is just unethical use of the system and will be used against you later in the D.


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