# Ex cheated, BF cheated, new BF no intimacy.



## K1111

Hello, I finally joined after following for about 4 years and I'm looking for any advice you can give me. Me, 51 year old female, one son 15. Was with my ex almost 30 years , married almost 25 years. Caught him the first time cheating with a coworker in our 9th year of marriage, we stayed together and he said he would never do it again . Had our son, I thought things were going well until he started treating me badly again. Found out he was cheating again by me picking up his V. script. His affair partner was a married co worker.He said horrible things to me, like I don't need V. Medicine with her, you'll never find anyone but I don't have to worry because I have someone and he laughed at me. So much more, but I'll get to my question. I Would not date until our divorce was final.( 2 years he dragged it on) Met a man online dated , and he turned out to be a cheater . New man I met online 57, he didn't have pictures up, when I met him liked him instantly. We've been seeing each other for 6 months, went away together, but still no sex, very, very rarely do we do some other things. No passionate kissing. I am the one that wants to be intimate and enjoy all the fun, passionate things couple do. We live an hour away from each other. He says he works at his business very hard. He always seems to make excuses, I'm tired, you can't come to my house to spend the night till it's organized, been there once for 10 minutes, he spent the night once at my house , bed was uncomfortable, animals made noise, he won't do it again. Then his PSA was high, couldn't have sex before his blood work, which came back good, has to be retested in 3 months. he says the sex will happen when it happens. IDK what to do anymore, any advice??


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## Rowan

Welcome to TAM! 

I suggest you break up with the current guy and keep dating until you find someone who is both trustworthy _and_ actually compatible with you. If a loving sexual relationship is what you want, this is not your guy. 

But before you get too serious into dating anyone, I might suggest doing some work on yourself. Learn to believe in, to trust, _yourself_. Then, if someone mistreats you, is untrustworthy, or just isn't compatible, you'll trust yourself - your instincts, your feelings, your boundaries, your self-worth - enough to see red flags for what they are and get out of the relationship. Because you'll also trust yourself enough to know you'll be fine if the relationship ends. You need to approach life from a position of strength, rather than weakness or need. Love yourself, trust yourself, enough to be happy on your own. Then you'll be able to identify and welcome the_ right _someone, who treats you well and is truly compatible, into your already awesome life - rather than accepting red flags and settling for things you shouldn't.


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## K1111

Thank You for your quick response. For me it is difficult to end it with someone I care deeply for. I give people many chances and make excuses for their behavior, I think it's because I don't want to get hurt. Before him I went on dates with men that I found to have some undesirable traits. I have never smoked, drank or done drugs, and I don't have any diseases. I know it seems unlikely that I will find anyone that doesn't drink, so I'm fine with a social drinker or a cigar smoker, the others are a definite no for me. I've also experienced that most are either in it for their needs only or just have a very negative attitude. At this point I'm too young and vibrant to give up a fulfilling and satisfying life. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong, and being selfish, people approach relationships in different ways and I should be accepting of those differences. All my friends and family say I don't need a man, but I want one and have a lot of loyalty and other great qualities to offer someone.


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## FieryHairedLady

Dump the new guy.


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## Andy1001

K1111 said:


> Thank You for your quick response. For me it is difficult to end it with someone I care deeply for. I give people many chances and make excuses for their behavior, I think it's because I don't want to get hurt. Before him I went on dates with men that I found to have some undesirable traits. I have never smoked, drank or done drugs, and I don't have any diseases. I know it seems unlikely that I will find anyone that doesn't drink, so I'm fine with a social drinker or a cigar smoker, the others are a definite no for me. I've also experienced that most are either in it for their needs only or just have a very negative attitude. At this point I'm too young and vibrant to give up a fulfilling and satisfying life. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong, and being selfish, people approach relationships in different ways and I should be accepting of those differences. All my friends and family say I don't need a man, but I want one and have a lot of loyalty and other great qualities to offer someone.


You sound like a lovely,honorable,loyal woman and you are correct,you do deserve someone to love.
Unfortunately it seems your picker is faulty and you are ending up with guys who don’t deserve you.Please don’t waste any more time with the guy you are dating,he seems either asexual,gay or at the very least impotent and it’s not your job to fix him.I think because of your ex husbands cruel taunts that your self esteem may be low and you are more inclined to settle for less than you deserve.
Try meeting men in a non dating situation,meetup.com is a place to meet people who share similar interests.If you have time on your hands maybe you could do some volunteering at a shelter (Animal or human) and you will meet other decent people.If you put yourself in situations where you interact with other people you will meet some genuine guys and you can go from there.
Good luck.


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## happy as a clam

Forget all these men, the cheating, the lies...

PLEASE... get yourself into counseling ASAP to discover why you attract (and keep!) these low-life’s.. You have some seriously faulty inner-radar - you are not weeding these people out before you reach “relationship status”...


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## K1111

Thank You all, you are all correct, I know there are many red flags and I just needed to hear thoughts and suggestions . I was hoping maybe it is normal behavior on some people's approach to relationships.I've definitely heard the not into girls from my friends and family. I do volunteer at a Zoo, and I do see my marriage counselor once a month , I am so much stronger, from the things my ex said and did to me, I just need that extra boost to move forward and find the man that wants a loyal, loving, caring, and compassionate partner.


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## EleGirl

K1111 said:


> Thank You for your quick response. *For me it is difficult to end it with someone I care deeply for. I give people many chances and make excuses for their behavior, I think it's because I don't want to get hurt.* Before him I went on dates with men that I found to have some undesirable traits. I have never smoked, drank or done drugs, and I don't have any diseases. I know it seems unlikely that I will find anyone that doesn't drink, so I'm fine with a social drinker or a cigar smoker, the others are a definite no for me. I've also experienced that most are either in it for their needs only or just have a very negative attitude. At this point I'm too young and vibrant to give up a fulfilling and satisfying life. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong, and being selfish, people approach relationships in different ways and I should be accepting of those differences. All my friends and family say I don't need a man, but I want one and have a lot of loyalty and other great qualities to offer someone.


That underlined part? That describes how you set yourself up to be hurt.

The purpose of dating is to find out if the person is a good match, a person who will love and treat you right. 

There are woman who never end up in a relationship like the ones you have been in. Do you know why? Because they love themselves first. They know to end a relationship the very first time they see a red flag. They do not make excuses for things like a man who avoids sex. They know not to make excuses for a man who will not be truthful to them. They end it as soon as something like this comes to light.

By you making excuses for his lying to you, his rejecting you sexually and other issues, you are telling him that it's ok for him to do these things to you.

He's lying to you. He knows why he does not want sex with you and he owes it to you to tell you exactly what is going on with him. There are several possibilities.. 1) he's asexual, 2) he's gay and you are his beard, you know the woman he uses to hide the fact that he's gay, 3) he's really married and is not ready go that far with an affair partner yet, 4) he cannot perform sexually, or (and it's a big one) 5) he's using this as a way to emotionally manipulate you to find out if you are an easy mark for abuse.

I was married to a man who was emotionally abusive. When I divorced him I went to counseling. In the first meeting the counselor asked me what I wanted out of counseling. I told her that I wanted to know why I picked an abusive man to marry. Her answer was that the answer is simple. I did not pick him. He picked me. She explained that abusive men (and abusive women) pick partners who allow themselves to be abused. They do little tests. A woman who is emotionally healthy will dump a man when he pulls one of his little tests. A woman who is not emotionally healthy will cling to the new relationship, she will find it hard to break off with someone she has grown to care for and she will make excuses for his bad behavior. In the end, the only woman left standing for a guy like this will be the one that he can emotionally abuse. All the other women, the emotionally health women that he tried to date have dumped him.

He has found you.. the one woman who is willing to let him lie to her, lead her on and who clings so hard to someone she hardly knows and makes excuses for him.

Now you are going to say that he's not abusing you. Yes he is. He is lying to you about what's going on with him and why he does not want sex with you. He's lying about why he does not want you to go to his house. I'm sure that there is a lot more there.

Let's look at the house thing... if we assume that his only excuse for not wanting you at his house is that it's not organized.... then he's a guy who lives in chaos. And if you ever live with him, he will turn your home into that disorganized chaos. So the best that can be said about him in relation to the way he lives is that he cannot even organize his living space and lives in chaos. But I will bet that there is more to this than him just not wanting to organize his home and make it livable.

You really need to get into counseling and figure out why you are so hell bent on forcing a relationship by making excuses for a man who is lying to you and who will not tell you the truth. This is a form of emotional abuse. And you need to work on yourself until you are emotionally healthy enough to end a dating relationship (or any relationship) the first time someone crosses the line and does things like lie to you.


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## Rowan

K1111 said:


> I just need that extra boost to move forward and find the man that wants a loyal, loving, caring, and compassionate partner.


Lots of men want a loyal, loving, caring, and compassionate partner. You need to keep working with your therapist until you really believe deep down that you absolutely deserve someone who wants to be, is capable of being, that sort of partner _in return_.


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## Openminded

He's not who you're looking for. Time to move on.


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## Chuck71

K1111 said:


> Hello, I finally joined after following for about 4 years and I'm looking for any advice you can give me. Me, 51 year old female, one son 15. Was with my ex almost 30 years , married almost 25 years. Caught him the first time cheating with a coworker in our 9th year of marriage, we stayed together and he said he would never do it again . Had our son, I thought things were going well until he started treating me badly again. Found out he was cheating again by me picking up his V. script. His affair partner was a married co worker.He said horrible things to me, like I don't need V. Medicine with her, you'll never find anyone but I don't have to worry because I have someone and he laughed at me. So much more, but I'll get to my question. I Would not date until our divorce was final.( 2 years he dragged it on) Met a man online dated , and he turned out to be a cheater . New man I met online 57, he didn't have pictures up, when I met him liked him instantly. We've been seeing each other for 6 months, went away together, but still no sex, very, very rarely do we do some other things. No passionate kissing. I am the one that wants to be intimate and enjoy all the fun, passionate things couple do. We live an hour away from each other. He says he works at his business very hard. He always seems to make excuses, I'm tired,* you can't come to my house to spend the night till it's organized*, been there once for 10 minutes, he spent the night once at my house , bed was uncomfortable, animals made noise, he won't do it again. Then his PSA was high, couldn't have sex before his blood work, which came back good, has to be retested in 3 months. he says the sex will happen when it happens. IDK what to do anymore, any advice??


Weird...... a year ago I started dating a girl and told her the exact thing.

My home was piled up with all of mom's stuff after she died and I had no clue what to do with it.

The house was not nasty by any stretch.... cluttered... was a good word. After going to her place

4-5 times and I saw something may be there.... I again warned her... but had her come up for a couple

nights. She helped in advising me what to do with mom's stuff.... donate, yard sale, etc.

I knew I would have needed a female to advise me on mom's stuff but I didn't want to "throw it at her"

after only dating a couple months. 

But not going to his place after six months..... something's up.


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## SunCMars

Welcome to later life dating. The good ones are not all taken, they are just fewer. A lot fewer.

People who are available after fifty are available for a reason. 

Reasons:

They are unpleasant.
They have insufficient class.
They are alcoholics.
They are druggies.
They are lazy.
They are unemployed most of the time.
They are selfish.
They are impotent or asexual, very LD.
They are not sufficiently, physically attractive.
They have bad habits.
They are unclean.
They are boring, real boring. Not fun to be with.

They are divorced, for good or bad reasons.
They are widowers or widows.
They are players, want only sex and good times but tire easily with anyone new.

They never married for good or bad reasons.
They were in prison and are now free.

My point?
There are rather few good enough ones out there. If you only want sex and intimacy you will have no problem. 
If you want marriage, good luck.

Expand your hunting grounds. Find more good ones, ones YOU like and THEY like you.


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## K1111

Elegirl i now see it is emotional abuse, one example is we went out to dinner last Friday and I asked if he was going to come back to my home and he said no he had to get shopping done and then drive the hour back home and get ready for his trip. I sighed and he said don't breath on my food, then he saw I was upset and he said I should've just eaten by myself that way he would've enjoyed it without seeing me sulking, I told him in a phone call that I was hurt by what he said and not sulking , he said I don't want anyone breathing on my food. I ask if I can spend a night during the week with him and he says he works all day and is tired and the answer will always be no. He has also taken my phone to see what I have been doing on it, I've told him that is controlling and I don't check his phone, nor have I've given him any reason to be suspicious. I don't want to be treated like a worthless fool. I have always been a giver and pleaser, while my needs were not met and that has gotten me nowheres. I need to assert my self and say this is what I want and need and if you're not on the same page, then it's goodbye. And I have to stick with that.


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## chillymorn69

He most likley has ed.

Time to move on !


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## K1111

SunCMars, Thank You, so you really think there are a few good ones out there? I'm still willing to take the chance and keep looking to find love. I've got to tell you I've listened to a lot that have said they're different from the rest and then they send me a naked picture, yikes! There are a few that do tell the truth about just wanting hookups, not for me , but they were honest.


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## Wolf1974

You are setting yourself up for failure by dating bad men when thousands of good guys out there everywhere. You can’t fix or make bad guys better. You need to get out of this relationship and work on you to find out why you keep picking these bad guys.


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## Diana7

K1111 said:


> SunCMars, Thank You, so you really think there are a few good ones out there? I'm still willing to take the chance and keep looking to find love. I've got to tell you I've listened to a lot that have said they're different from the rest and then they send me a naked picture, yikes! There are a few that do tell the truth about just wanting hookups, not for me , but they were honest.


My advise is not to compromise at all what sort of man you want and don't settle for second best. 
I made a long list of what I wanted in a man a while after my first marriage ended after 25 years when I was in my early 40's. I didn't date for 4 years (wasn't emotionally ready) and then spent 2 years on different dating sites(these were Christian ones). I knew that at the age I was then, about 47, I would be very lucky to meet a man who was what I wanted, and who shared my values and beliefs, but after that 2 year period I did and we have been happily married now for over 12 years. 

I knew that I would rather be single than settle for a man who wasn't what I really wanted. 

So yes there are some good guys around at that age, but the good ones get snapped up quickly, my husband had only been on the dating site for a few days when I contacted him. 

Be choosy about the sites you use. Never use ones like Tinder, never use free ones or international ones, far too many scammers.


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## Satya

He sounds weird.

Let him go.

And you're letting yourself get too invested, to soon. See them for who they are, not who you want them to be.


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## Married but Happy

Diana7 said:


> My advise is not to compromise at all what sort of man you want and don't settle for second best.
> I made a long list of what I wanted in a man a while after my first marriage ended after 25 years when I was in my early 40's. I didn't date for 4 years (wasn't emotionally ready) and then spent 2 years on different dating sites(these were Christian ones). I knew that at the age I was then, about 47, I would be very lucky to meet a man who was what I wanted, and who shared my values and beliefs, but after that 2 year period I did and we have been happily married now for over 12 years.
> 
> I knew that I would rather be single than settle for a man who wasn't what I really wanted.
> 
> So yes there are some good guys around at that age, but the good ones get snapped up quickly, my husband had only been on the dating site for a few days when I contacted him.
> 
> Be choosy about the sites you use. Never use ones like Tinder, never use free ones or international ones, far too many scammers.


This is good advice, OP. This is also what I did when dating after ending my first, long marriage. It really is better to be single than settle! Also, don't rush to live together or marry - time reveals many things about a person, and taking your time can prevent making a serious mistake. And yes, initiate contact when you find someone who may be right - waiting often means losing out.


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## K1111

Hi again, it seems everyone here is on the same page as to what I need to do and must do to enjoy a happy life which hopefully will include a loving relationship. I do say at this time in my life I would never marry again, and living together, not until my son would be out of school and settled into his life. I find it very difficult to process why people intentionally hurt others. The man I have been seeing did say I'm the sweetest and nicest lady he has ever dated, ok nice compliment, then why would you treat me like that? Wouldn't you want someone that is loyal, caring, compassionate, loving, a good cook, is clean in all ways, has her own home, has good family and friends, and who would take care of you as you get older? Idk anymore, I had even told him that if his PSA test came back bad and he needed more medical tests, I would be there for him. But as I read all of your responses, I wonder would he be there for me and if not, then who would? I know family and friends would be there for me, but I would want that significant other there to hold my hand and comfort me. I heard someone say once that if he's into you, he'll make the time for you, and that always is in my mind.


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## K1111

Update, thank you for all of of your insight, it is greatly appreciated. I was suspicious about his behavior a couple of months ago so I checked his POF profile and he had been on there I confronted him about still being on POF, he said he has the app and he gets pop ups and he has to go online so it doesn't keep sending him notifications .He asked why I was on there and I said to check up on him. I have not been going on there to look for anyone else nor do I want to anymore. I did not renew mine after I had met him and thought he was it, but after the constant rejections and negative remarks, I went on line to see he had been on there again. If you pay for the subscription, you can see the last day and time they were on, on their extended profile, so I did that and checked up on him and he was on all times of the day and night, I confronted him and asked for an apology and explanation and of courses no apology and again with that pop up nonsense . And he tried to blame shift and say he's done nothing wrong and that I have nothing better to do with my time since I'm always on there and that I should look in the mirror since I'm on there. I said that the first time I asked him about it he could've just said he'll get rid of his profile, knowing that I had been cheated on before.I texted him again and he said it seems like I'm on it way more than him and he's only on it for a short time. I guess that was his admission. Shame on him for his inability to be a good person.


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## uhtred

Dear K1111
I think you suffer from an inability to hurt people - even to the extent of sacrificing your own happiness to avoid leaving a partner. If so, I have some of the same tendencies - and it can be a real problem. It becomes too easy to try to find some good hiding in a bad person, and to avoid causing them any harm, even at your own expense.

This makes you easy prey for evil and selfish men. Its not your *fault*, in many cases this sort of feeling of empathy for others is a wonderful trait- but it is also a weakness that you need to recognized and guard against.


There ARE a lot of good men out there. Some of them are people like you who *want* to make their partners happy. The trick is finding them. 

On thing is to be careful not to get emotionally involved too early - wait until you find out if the other person is worth your emotional involvement. 

Go look for people, don't wait for them to come to you - to often the ones who come to you are looking to take advantage of you.

Try to ignore first impressions - people can get very good at giving first impressions - and instead focus on what they really do. Do they treat you well and provide at least as much as you provide for them. Ignore flowers and other "romantic" things that can be bought with cash - look for cases where they have made an effort to make you happy.

Look at how they treat others. Are they the sort of people who are always providing help, or are they always needing help? (this has nothing to do with income, it has to do with whether they find ways to help their friends).


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## K1111

Thank You uhtred, I would never and could never hurt anyone with words or actions, I sure know how it feels to be on the receiving end of meanness and it's devastating and makes you feel worthless, questioning what is wrong with me. I want people to be happy and not want for anything, sacrificing my happiness for them, putting them before me. My friend told me today this man took my goodness and used it to his advantage. I enjoy being a great partner but I can't seem to find him . I don't want to be alone and bitter, I have a great heart and a lot to give, but I wonder with all the crap given to me by these men will I become a different person and someday will i not be able to see the good man standing in front of me.


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## EleGirl

K1111 said:


> Thank You uhtred, I would never and could never hurt anyone with words or actions, I sure know how it feels to be on the receiving end of meanness and it's devastating and makes you feel worthless, questioning what is wrong with me. I want people to be happy and not want for anything, sacrificing my happiness for them, putting them before me. My friend told me today this man took my goodness and used it to his advantage. I enjoy being a great partner but I can't seem to find him . I don't want to be alone and bitter, I have a great heart and a lot to give, but I wonder with all the crap given to me by these men will I become a different person and someday will i not be able to see the good man standing in front of me.


It's not mean to do what is best for YOU. It's called being honest. Then you let the chips fall where they may. 

This is clearly not a good relationship. You really would not be mean to break it off because it's not a healthy relationship for either of you. So you would be setting him free to move on with his life. And of course you would be set free to find someone who is a better fit for you.


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## K1111

I texted him and told him that he can date others and if he wants to remain friends we can. He immediately called me and said Thank You but he doesn’t want to date others. He said he’s frustrated at being accused, well he did admit he was going on line , so was I wrong? When I asked why he was going on line he said he’s done with this conversation and he has to go back to work. I sent him one more text saying we can still hangout occasionally and if he wants to go on dates with others he can and if I want to go on with dates with others I can. No response yet. When I’m ready and if I choose I will start dating , and I will view it as meeting new people, having fun and getting to know the person with no expectations or pressure , and if it leads to something great if not I’ll keep trying.


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## Rowan

K1111 said:


> I texted him and told him that he can date others and if he wants to remain friends we can. He immediately called me and said Thank You but he doesn’t want to date others. He said he’s frustrated at being accused, well he did admit he was going on line , so was I wrong? When I asked why he was going on line he said he’s done with this conversation and he has to go back to work. I sent him one more text saying we can still hangout occasionally and if he wants to go on dates with others he can and if I want to go on with dates with others I can. No response yet. When I’m ready and if I choose I will start dating , and I will view it as meeting new people, having fun and getting to know the person with no expectations or pressure , and if it leads to something great if not I’ll keep trying.


I think ending it with this guy is a good move. 

However, in future, it would probably be best if you learn to make a kind, yet unmistakably clean and definitive, break. "This just isn't working for me. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I just don't see us being compatible in the long-term. I wish you well and hope you find someone who makes you happy." This isn't working for you. It's over. This is your decision, and you've made it. It's not up for debate or discussion. If he then continued to come back with rebuttals, you could simply ignore or even block him. Because it's over. 

Why would you really want to be friends with this man anyway? You probably actually don't and you're just trying to make nice. It doesn't work, as you've seen, and just makes you sound wishy-washy and like you're inviting him to chase you in an attempt to change your mind. Hopefully, that's _not_ what you're doing. So avoid misunderstandings by being direct and sure of yourself. Then there would be no arguments, accusations or lingering discussions about why. I think you may find that handling breakups matter of factly will actually prevent a lot of drama and hurt feelings - on both sides.


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## SunCMars

chillymorn69 said:


> He most likley has ed.
> 
> Time to move on !


What? He has ed, a male lover or he has E.D.?

Could be either, aye-ther in England.

Do not breathe on my food?
Means he is a germ-a-phobe.
And not, Howard Hughes. Not he! :grin2:

That is why he wants no sex.
You are not clean enough to rub your stuff on his.

I would make a clean break from his cooties and his muddy thinking.

A kook he is, a kook he will die.

I hope he washes his hands before he pleasures himself.


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## K1111

I was being nice, it was me making peace with him and myself. By me saying he can date others and so can I, and we can remain friends , gives him and I a parting that is not hateful or spiteful ( on his part, because I don’t have those feelings in my heart)


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## K1111

So funny, you made me laugh again , thank You, I’m pretty sure the poster meant E.D., but hey maybe he has both an ED male lover and E.D!!! BTW I’m as clean as one could be and I even use antibacterial soap on my body, I take a nice bubble bath and then shower daily, so no problems there. I do go to the dentist and brush my teeth, and make sure I don’t eat garlic or onions before a date, And he still would wipe off my little kiss I would give him. I’m a germ a phoebe and always inquire about pesky diseases people may have, but I would like to be kissed passionately by the man who was supposed to be my boyfriend!


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## K1111

I’m starting to wonder if he has ever had sex, he was married over 20 years ago, no children and he’s had girlfriends, I even told him I would do all the work. I said to him if it was me not wanting to kiss him, have sex with him and not allow him to come to my home , he would’ve been out of my life within a month. I’ve lasted six months, I don’t want to wait another six months or longer.He told me on our trip if I had eaten the escargot( yuck) he ordered for me, he would’ve had sex with me because he would’ve known I really wanted it.


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## K1111

He does chew his fingernails and spit them out , that to me is an anxiety issue. It’s odd because my ex cheating husband always would chew holes in his shirt. I just made that connection about the two of them! Wow!!!!


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## Chuck71

This guy is a player / attention seeker. He will not commit to anyone when he has eight conversations

going with other women. As long as he has "options," he is happy. The moment they dry up....

he will be blowing up your phone.... how ya doin, where ya been, who ya with, etc.

This is what people did in high school. Throw him back in. You seem like a wonderful and sweet

woman with tons to offer. Sadly... a-hole guys prey on that. 

If it will make you feel more certain about his true colors, have a female friend who is on POF

to go view his profile (make sure he doesn't know her... but TBH... I think this guy still would anyway),

and see what happens. If he is what we all think... he will be sweet talking her within five minutes.


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## K1111

Thank You, I thought about the new profile to catch him, but just paying for the subscription and making sure I was hidden and had it set so he wouldn’t know I checked his profile was sickening enough when I saw him online after he told me he was tired and going to sleep. Maybe he’s just perverse and wants to see how many women want him and he just strings them along till he finds the perfect one. He did tell me he wasn’t doing anything even though he certainly could! Really, I guess that means he’s already made contact with someone and they’ want to meet? Not too long ago he did ask me what my profile name was, hmm did he want to make sure he wasn’t contacting me ?? idk anymore , it could be a million things, but something is definitely up if he hangs around for 6 months and still won’t show me any affection.


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## SunCMars

K1111 said:


> So funny, you made me laugh again , thank You, I’m pretty sure the poster meant E.D., but hey maybe he has both an ED male lover and E.D!!! BTW I’m as clean as one could be and I even use antibacterial soap on my body, I take a nice bubble bath and then shower daily, so no problems there. I do go to the dentist and brush my teeth, and make sure I don’t eat garlic or onions before a date, And he still would wipe off my little kiss I would give him. I’m a germ a phoebe and always inquire about pesky diseases people may have, but I would like to be kissed passionately by the man who was supposed to be my boyfriend!


Of, course you are, forgive me! 

It is he that is trapped in a sphere, he being a bubble man.
..............................................................................................................................
Oh, Wow!

Next time date a William.
That way you will get a clean Bill of health.

That old bf was a fool, not possible to mend.
He let go of a gem.
So kind you are, right meaning to the end.

You are a good gem. And when you go from him, never return.
As does a tarnished penny. Hopefully, not him.
He is a buffalo head Nickle, you smartly do spurn.

I would say that he 'might be' on the Spectrum, a shade of black and white thinking dominating his vision of what is normal, what is not.


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## K1111

It is so great to have you all on here to share your wisdom and experience, it does help so much, Thanks again. Maybe someday I’ll be able to give great advice also.I am already happier now that I’m out of all the negativity and rejection, and at some point I do look forward to meeting a great partner, who shares my love of life and the world.I have to be strong and stand up for myself when someone is hurting me with their words and actions. I look back at my life and say I put up with a lot of crap and I wonder if the ex husband and ex boyfriends, ever cared for me, to me it seems like it was all a lie.


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## uhtred

One suggestion on finding men. Be sure to look past the boring exterior that some people seem to have. There are a lot of nice people who don't know how to exude excitement - but who actually ARE really nice and really interesting once you get to know them.


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## Chuck71

uhtred said:


> One suggestion on finding men. Be sure to look past the boring exterior that some people seem to have. There are a lot of nice people who don't know how to exude excitement - but who actually ARE really nice and really interesting once you get to know them.


Very solid point. A lot of guys are humble.... don't brag on themselves and just go out

and DO IT. I don't know many females who would seek out a guy who constantly wants "validation."

When one accomplishes something, praise is really not needed in a healthy man. But some...

live for the praise more than the act. Praise is nice but, not "required,"


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## flower36

K1111 said:


> Hello, I finally joined after following for about 4 years and I'm looking for any advice you can give me. Me, 51 year old female, one son 15. Was with my ex almost 30 years , married almost 25 years. Caught him the first time cheating with a coworker in our 9th year of marriage, we stayed together and he said he would never do it again . Had our son, I thought things were going well until he started treating me badly again. Found out he was cheating again by me picking up his V. script. His affair partner was a married co worker.He said horrible things to me, like I don't need V. Medicine with her, you'll never find anyone but I don't have to worry because I have someone and he laughed at me. So much more, but I'll get to my question. I Would not date until our divorce was final.( 2 years he dragged it on) Met a man online dated , and he turned out to be a cheater . New man I met online 57, he didn't have pictures up, when I met him liked him instantly. We've been seeing each other for 6 months, went away together, but still no sex, very, very rarely do we do some other things. No passionate kissing. I am the one that wants to be intimate and enjoy all the fun, passionate things couple do. We live an hour away from each other. He says he works at his business very hard. He always seems to make excuses, I'm tired, you can't come to my house to spend the night till it's organized, been there once for 10 minutes, he spent the night once at my house , bed was uncomfortable, animals made noise, he won't do it again. Then his PSA was high, couldn't have sex before his blood work, which came back good, has to be retested in 3 months. he says the sex will happen when it happens. IDK what to do anymore, any advice??


Well, just wait on him, give him some more time.


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## JBTX

It seems like you’re going to kick this guy the curb. I hope that’s the case. Telling you that had you eaten some weird food he would’ve had sex with you is extremely messed up. He’s got your number and he’s trying to put you in a stranglehold. That’s what I see.

Have you considered dating a younger guy? Maybe what you’re asking of a 57-year-old man is more along the lines of a 47-year-old man? 

It’s a thought based on my own experience and also observations of people I am close to that have very successful relationships and marriages. I’m a 38yo dating a 43yo woman. I have seriously been missing out with girls my age or younger. Keep in mind I don’t see her as an older woman. I know that she is older. But it’s not something I obsess over. 

I think that guys have different respect for a woman that is older than them. I think it’s natural. Maybe it makes a woman rather gitty to know that a younger guy is into them? As a younger guy dating an older woman, I don’t get the sense that they want to play games. So I don’t feel like I need to. I’ve been very direct with her like I don’t feel I could’ve been with a woman who is younger than me for sure. And if a guy is serious, he doesn’t want any of that wishy-washy interaction. Maybe the age difference acts as a mechanism that supports healthier interaction?

You’re wanting some passion. You’re wanting some hot sex. You’re wanting to make-out like teenagers in a parked car!!!!! Obviously you’re also wanting all the things that need to go along with that as well. Respect, caring, support, understanding, etc.... a younger guy may be biologically more equipped to handle a lot of these things better. Just not too young, ok? 

Perhaps what you think I said is a terrible idea. That’s fine. But ditch this idiot if you haven’t already. Telling you that he would’ve had sex with you had you ate some weird **** at a restaurant.... I know for a fact he was trying to be controlling and was also lying about that. But let’s just say hypothetically that he wasn’t lying and y’all of had sex… It would’ve been terrible... worse than said food you didn’t eat. 

Excuse yourself from the presence of that jerk as soon as possible. You have a lot to offer. Keep being a sweetie!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LTCNurse

I'm a female and he sounds really awful. Not only is he still on the dating website looking, he is minimizing it, rejecting your feelings about it, not being straight with you, and being just plain mean with the wiping your kiss off, telling you not too breathe on his food. Sooooo disrespectful! You don't need that! Another clue is the making excuses for not staying at your place. He doesn't want to be a part of your life. He doesn't even want YOU to be part of his life. That comment about escargot...ewwwww. My feeling would be, who cares why he won't have sex with you? From a health standpoint...what if his PSA abnormal value is actually prostate cancer? He isn't going to be able to perform and given his personality...it isn't going too be good anyway. It would be selfish sex because HE is selfish. Also, I have seen many increased PSA values that are ignored too long actually have become metastatic cancer. Who knows what he is hiding sexually? And who cares?


He is not your friend so cut off all communication. Keep looking but be careful. There are a lot of STI's out there and watch out for Hep C. HIV, even genital herpes would be life changing for you. Keep your minor child in mind when you date. Don't be so quick to invite strangers into your home and life. Be careful out there!


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## jlg07

" I give people many chances and make excuses for their behavior, I think it's because I don't want to get hurt. Before him I went on dates with men that I found to have some undesirable traits."
THIS is the main issue -- you need to NOT make excuses for them -- if you do, you WILL get hurt. If you end it quickly, you don't have as much invested in the relationship.

Also, I'm not 100% clear here -- DID you end it with that guy? I hope so -- some of the stuff you mentioned he did is pretty abusive to you. You shouldn't let yourself get pushed around -- you sound like a nice person who has a lot to give -- make sure YOU also get that back from the person you are with. You need to be a little selfish!


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## *Deidre*

K1111 said:


> Elegirl i now see it is emotional abuse, one example is we went out to dinner last Friday and I asked if he was going to come back to my home and he said no he had to get shopping done and then drive the hour back home and get ready for his trip. I sighed and he said don't breath on my food, then he saw I was upset and he said I should've just eaten by myself that way he would've enjoyed it without seeing me sulking, I told him in a phone call that I was hurt by what he said and not sulking , he said I don't want anyone breathing on my food. I ask if I can spend a night during the week with him and he says he works all day and is tired and the answer will always be no. He has also taken my phone to see what I have been doing on it, I've told him that is controlling and I don't check his phone, nor have I've given him any reason to be suspicious. I don't want to be treated like a worthless fool. I have always been a giver and pleaser, while my needs were not met and that has gotten me nowheres. I need to assert my self and say this is what I want and need and if you're not on the same page, then it's goodbye. And I have to stick with that.


I bet this dude is married or in a relationship, which is why you're not invited over to his place. I'd end it, not tell him you're ending it, just go no contact. Block his numbers, and be done with him.


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## BluesPower

K1111 said:


> I have always been a giver and pleaser, while my needs were not met and that has gotten me nowheres. *I need to assert my self and say this is what I want *and need and if you're not on the same page, then it's goodbye. And I have to stick with that.


Yes you need to assert yourself but not with this guy. Listen, you were with the same man for 30 years if I read correctly. 

Why are you in such a hurry? Take your time, work on your picker, and find a actual good guy that likes you, that likes sex, and it not crazy. Besides, this guy has some type of sexual dysfunction, hard to say what it is, but it is something. 

This guy has issues. Lots of them. Don't try and settle for someone like this. You need to get out. 

Listen my GF is 60, I am 54, and we are madly in love. We have sex constantly, to love being affectionate with one anther constantly, we have a ton of fun together, it is like a dream relationship. 

There are men out there, that are not crazy, enjoy sex, and know how to treat a woman. 

You need to not settle...


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