# Startled despite knowing it was coming



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The favorite part of my day lately has been picking up my son from daycare especially after I haven't seen him for the 5 days he is with his mom. His face lights up every time and he runs over and starts going on and on about all the things he has obviously been saving up to tell me.

I was a little startled when he went on to the subject of mommy's friend (obviously a guy she is dating). I gather that this guy gave my son a present for his birthday last week, so I asked my son a little about him without making too big a deal over it.

We had both agreed to, and put into our separation agreement/divorce decree that we would tolerate friends of the opposite sex being around our child as long as there isn't shows of affection (hugging, kissing, cuddling or hand-holding) or overnight visits until we have mutual consent that our son is ready. So I am fine with my ex having boyfriends and even for these boyfriends to meet my son, so long as she respects the principles we agreed to.

I knew this was coming but it still feels too soon, I still feel threatened or bothered and it is consuming a lot of my focus the last couple days. I assume that my son just views this man as him mom's friend and not someone more special than that. i haven't confronted her on this and not really sure how I would or even if I should. Argh, this is the crappiest part of all of this, feels like my son is not entirely my own child anymore.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I feel you Lon. 
My stupid-a$$ ex is doing the same thing, has her man over every night of the week, and he brings his little dog over, to win my kids approval. This is truly the crappiest part of it all. WE did all the work and some scumbag gets to play the role. I'd like to whup both of their azzes.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

WE did all the work and some scumbag gets to play the role. I'd like to whup both of their azzes. 
:iagree::lol:

Although I'm looking over from the other side of the fence here, I can understand what is being felt and expressed. By other side of the fence I refer to the facts that I am the mom and my daughter is now 18. She is currently staying with her dad (Lieceratops) and his playmate (Trampasaurus Wrecks) in TW's nest. DD chose to go there as a means to allow me to focus on me and my life and her getting her own life on the right track (jobs, car, education). I am so extremely uncomfortable with this arrangement, even said to Lie that if the situation were reversed how would he feel and he agreed that he would feel as uncomfortable as I. 

Even though my DD and DS are grown, it doesn't make things any easier. Both have already begun needling me somewhat about getting back into the dating scene. Won't even think about it until my status is legally divorced. Just the way I am!


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## carol (Mar 8, 2011)

I think if you look at this from the perspective of your son, you will find it easier to talk to her about it. If you both agreed not to do something, then you should bring it up if she has violated that agreement. Maybe you are making more of this than you should. Maybe he just gave your son a present and your ex has not violated the agreement. Don;t rely on what your son says, he is only a child and should not be responsible for your relationship with your ex. and continue to spend as much time with your son as you can, it is very important. No one can ever take away the fact that you are his Dad. It is ok for him to have other men in his life, but he will always love you best. 





Lon said:


> The favorite part of my day lately has been picking up my son from daycare especially after I haven't seen him for the 5 days he is with his mom. His face lights up every time and he runs over and starts going on and on about all the things he has obviously been saving up to tell me.
> 
> I was a little startled when he went on to the subject of mommy's friend (obviously a guy she is dating). I gather that this guy gave my son a present for his birthday last week, so I asked my son a little about him without making too big a deal over it.
> 
> ...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I was dating my husband for two months, he spent the night, we spent the weekend at his house, my daughter saw us hugging and holding hands. She was five and one day after two months I called him my boyfriend and she said "He's your boyfriend!?????why didn't you tell me???" kids see things a lot differently than we do. It might feel too soon but ultimately what I've learned is that even if you write something like that I'm your decree there's absolutely nothing you can do to enforce it. You could take her to court for contempt but it's highly unlikely anything would come if it. I know it's hard, my ex started dating his best friend's ex wife within months of our separation. I didn't want my daughter to see her as being her mom. It's been three years and she knows who her mom is. The girlfriend is just a nice friend at best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> ...It might feel too soon but ultimately what I've learned is that even if you write something like that I'm your decree there's absolutely nothing you can do to enforce it. You could take her to court for contempt but it's highly unlikely anything would come if it.


I know, we both realize that there is little we can do because even though it is in the decree there is no enforcement clause in said decree. It just felt important for both of us to write it in, didn't cost anything but it is of little value.

Anyhow, I confronted her yesterday about this situation, according to her our son hasn't even met this guy, only seen him on Skype, he is just a "friend". She said that she isn't ready to be introducing any men to him anyway.

So now that concern has been put to rest for awhile, now my mind is wondering how often she is on the computer skyping guys when she chould be taking care of our son!! (not really too worried just realizing that despite us each having parental duties, it is my issue alone to cope with the thoughts of her new life)


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

(not really too worried just realizing that despite us each having parental duties, it is my issue alone to cope with the thoughts of her new life)[/QUOTE]

Oh hells yes how that sears with a hot iron. 
the ex and her new man are living together in the old marital home. 
Out with the old and in with the new!
Shes completely remodeled the house inside, flooring, paint, erasing all signs of the old life. My daughter made mention of this, saying she wanted it back the old way. Too much change too soon, completely different environment, strange guy in the house all the time.. 
I imagine where my ex's attention is placed. 

However.
the remodeling increases the value of the home so when she sells it in a year as required in the degree, I get half the value of the sale after mortgage is satisfied.

her need to do all these things and cause our kid to be uncomfortable over there has only a few outcomes i can think of..

I got drunk last night. It was a Tuesday night. Cherry soda and seagrams.. (its all I had as a mixer) I dont drink like that all the time, but yesterday was a bum day at work, the kids with her mom this week, and the cat keeps chewing my new plant.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kill the cat. I effing hate cats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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