# Growing apart from my spouse



## OU812 (Oct 2, 2010)

This is a very touchy subject everywhere I have looked and usually gets answered with a rant by some offended party. Anyway my wife has really let herself go over the 3 years we have been married. She used to walk and eat right, just up to the date of our marriage, but then totally let herself go to the point of gaining nearly 100 pounds since I have been with her, and stopping other personal care practices. I feel bad about her doing this to herself as I do love her very dearly and do not want to part but I HAVE to get her back on track to a healthy state as I am not attracted to an obese woman. I have tried to lead by example in the exercise and diet fronts but nothing seems to get through to her. I may seem shallow and insincere towards her by my post, but I do love and care for her, but this may be too much for me to bear, I think of and try to visualize the future and it seems grim if the current situation doesn't change.


----------



## gothpig (Oct 2, 2010)

your wife may be in depression, or maybe she is having some problem, did you think about going to a therapist with her?


----------



## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I think it's really important for husbands and wives to take care of themselves and stay in shape and good health. I didn't marry a fat guy and he didn't marry a fat gal....so I expect him to stay in shape and visa versa. Honestly he's been very forgiving of me when it took me a while to lose baby weight after our first. But I didn't lollygag after our 2nd and though I can't always make it to the gym my lifestyle is very active and always has been. When I notice myself going down hill I step it up.

If she is depressed or there is a medical issue that has to be addressed first. If neither of those is an issue then she's lazy. And I think lazyness accounts for a HUGE percentage of obese people. I can't begin to tell you how to start this kind of conversation with her. But if your a fit active guy invite her into that world, go biking, hiking and swimming with each other. My husband and I actually count shared gym time as dates  It's pretty hot to see your mate across the gym pumping iron or kickin up a sweat running on the treadmill.


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

It is very hard to gain a 100 pounds in 3 years w/o a serious physical problem even for the laziest - if you read the popular journals, our bodies have a variety of mechanisms to regulate weight, this is why loosing wt. is so hard.

Depression and the anti-D meds can cause significant wt. gains, your post indicates Depression is a possibility.

Thirty pounds a year is worrisome unless your wife is very tall and very big boned.

A short friend - 5' tall - gained 20 pounds rapidly, the cause was a stage IV cancer, most of the weight fluid in her abdomen making her look puffy, she was tired all the time, and didn't want to do anything other than read or watch TV.

You don't say how old she is, but she really needs to see a good physician and get a full series of tests - something is very wrong with either her body. mind, or medications. Do not take her back to a physician she is seeing - he is not interested, if you can find a APRN (advanced practice registered nurse) I would see her/him - in my limited experience they spend more time with patients, and listen better. I strongly suggest you plan to attend all meetings, bring in a written set of questions, all of her meds in a paper bag, stay in the background, ask questions, take notes. 

I am not a medical professional, and I don't have enough information, but something is wrong, it could be very wrong. Please use your energy and concern to find out what it is.

Please let us know what you learn.


OU812 said:


> This is a very touchy subject everywhere I have looked and usually gets answered with a rant by some offended party. Anyway my wife has really let herself go over the 3 years we have been married. She used to walk and eat right, just up to the date of our marriage, but then totally let herself go to the point of gaining nearly 100 pounds since I have been with her, and stopping other personal care practices. I feel bad about her doing this to herself as I do love her very dearly and do not want to part but I HAVE to get her back on track to a healthy state as I am not attracted to an obese woman. I have tried to lead by example in the exercise and diet fronts but nothing seems to get through to her. I may seem shallow and insincere towards her by my post, but I do love and care for her, but this may be too much for me to bear, I think of and try to visualize the future and it seems grim if the current situation doesn't change.


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I don't think it's shallow if she is unhealthy. I know our bodies change over time....mine certainly has, but if you are not attracted to her physically then that is going to cause problems in your relationship. I agree with the above post that it sounds medical. I know my anti-anxiety meds caused me to gain weight easily. And now that I am working off of them, I am experiencing water retention, which adds to the weight gain of my stomach. Depression, anxiety, and the meds that go with it can cause a lot of problems physically. This definitely could be something to look at with your wife. But I definitely wouldn't approach it as her not being attractive to you anymore. I would approach it as her not being healthy and you are worried about her.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would approach this situation in stealth mode. Instead of encouraging her to exercise and eat right, I would suggest you invite her on romantic walks or prepare romantic meals for her. She will think you're dating her (and you kinda are) but she'll also be burning calories and consuming healthier foods. If she associates walking with pleasantness, she'll be more eager to do it. You can mix it up with romantic bike rides, ball room dancing classes, etc. If she is depressed, exercise should help. If she lacks energy, exercise will help, that, too. I'd avoid badgering her or making any ill comments about her appearance. People who feel good about themselves don't let theirselves go. Badgering her would only aggravate the situation. You might also find that as you spend this one-on-one time with her, you may discover so much more about her to appreciate that a few extra pounds won't bother you nearly as much.


----------



## Braelynn21203 (Oct 4, 2010)

I'm kinda in the same situation as your wife. I'm not obese by any means, but I could prolly lose some weight, gain muscle and make myself healthier. And it hurts me when my husband says that I need to lose weight.

I would be careful how you say things to her. Maybe she is feeling self conscious about how she looks and how you respond to her. While you mean well when you say it, it may be the approach that is wrong. Have you tried being sensitive to her needs? Maybe do some activities with her, like get her started by walking. Walking is a great way to burn some calories (not much mind you, but it is a start), spend time together or alone and think or listen to music. Also, try to make her feel good about herself at least once a week and pamper her. She might just need a little nudge about how she looks.

Hope this helps, good luck!


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

How does a person gain 35 pounds a year? That just seems so excessive. 

Do you guys have any kids? Was she fat before and lost a lot of weight and then gained it back?

I don't understand how a person can gain that much weight in such a short amount of time.


----------

