# LD men (or low frequency, at any rate) and anxiety/anger?



## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

In my marriage, I am definitely the HD one. I think about sex frequently, am very sexually attracted to my husband, and would love to try new things, be "taken," the whole 9 yards. I am also much more experienced than my husband, but I have never gone full disclosure because I don't want to hurt him or make him feel bad about his lack of experience. He's a great lover -- it just doesn't happen as often as I would like...and I get tired of initiating. I sympathize with the fellows who are married to LD women...and frankly, there are times when I wish I was LD too.

At present, we have sex 1-2 times per week (on average). Sometimes more, sometimes way less. He travels a lot. He has obsessive-compulsive disorder and takes Prozac to keep it under control. In the past, he has had issues with maintaining an erection because his anxiety takes over and shuts off blood flow to the penis. Fun times. At any rate, most of that (the anxiety) is behind us...but we seem to have other problems related to sex now. 

For instance, he is very ritualistic (thanks to the OCD, no doubt). He prefers sex at bedtime (I prefer sex when I am energized/awake...not sleepy). He rarely initiates, but when he does...it's always in the exact same way: light kisses (almost chaste) or rubbing my leg somewhat frantically - lol! And sometimes, he acts like a little kid -- which completely grosses me out. There is no slow tease...nor undressing...let alone being "taken."

(In fact, fellas? If you are doing this with your LD wives, STOP. It's maddening. Don't do a stupid little dance. Don't do baby talk. Seriously. Stop. Many women take care of children all day -- and we definitely don't want to have sex with one.)

It skeevs me out to no end. We've talked about it (at great length) and he has learned to rein it in, but every once in awhile, he still does it. 

Most of the time, though, I am the one who initiates. I have tried stifling my desire or refusing to initiate, but damn. I get crabby after 2 days or so. And frankly, I'm tired of doing all of the work. In a way, I think it is worse for HD women married to LD men because there is a certain feeling of rejection that is unique to being a woman. After all, we are supposedly being chased around the house all day, right? Eh.

I knew all of this when I married him, but like so many naive people, I thought he would find his stride and get more comfortable over time. 

The sex is good to great -- when we get there. Mutually satisfying. I am capable of multiple orgasms, so that's fun...but it's rare that he is interested in bringing me to orgasm more than once. And he is NEVER interested in sex twice in one day...which makes me sad. 

There is very little foreplay, but I'm usually ready to go anyway...so that's the least of my concerns (though I would love to slow down and enjoy it).

I don't really know how to boost his sex drive. He doesn't appear to be low T because frankly, he has a lot of anger issues, to boot. Flies off the handle quickly. He works out regularly, eats well, has a muscular physique. I can hardly keep my hands off of him...and it seems like he's just not on the same page. I'm in good shape (especially for a 39 year-old mother of two) and would be considered "beautiful" by most people. 

I've been struggling with this for years. When we talk about it, he says nothing...which is funny, because he has a lot to say on just about every topic. He's not the strong, silent type...lol! Definitely chatty...just not when it comes to sex.

Sometimes I wonder if he has shame issues around sex. Or anxiety about boundaries. When we do stuff that is "outside of the box," he loves it. Responds to it so well...but then never brings it up again. It's hit or miss. 

Thoughts from the fellows (or ladies) who have dealt with this? Especially anxiety issues? I feel like I'm starving...and we all know that it can lead to resentment, flirting, cheating, emotional affairs, etc. I'm not saying I'm there -- I'm just saying that I understand how people get there. :scratchhead:


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. OP,

At a frequency rate of 2 times a week, I think that's average, but I do realize that maybe for HD people that is not enough. I am sorry to hear that you are not satisfied with the frequency. You do mention that he is a great lover. So, would it be correct if I consider your problem as mostly a frequency mismatch, and the yearning for your husband to become more initiating?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Bewilderness,

You guys sounds exactly like me (although I'm not a muscular type...everything else you have mentioned fits the bill)
And the end result has been - I've lost my wife to another man and I didn't know what the hell to do about it.

My 'physical' problems are worse now...


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

It is the Prozac, my wife takes it and if I did not initiate we would go a year with no sex. I don't have much advice but I know how you feel, it is hard to not feel wanted, especial when you take the time to be in shape.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> It is the Prozac, my wife takes it and if I did not initiate we would go a year with no sex. I don't have much advice but I know how you feel, it is hard to not feel wanted, especial when you take the time to be in shape.


What's been your work around? ( to being "not wanted" ).


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Mrs. OP,
> 
> At a frequency rate of 2 times a week, I think that's average, but I do realize that maybe for HD people that is not enough. I am sorry to hear that you are not satisfied with the frequency. You do mention that he is a great lover. So, would it be correct if I consider your problem as mostly a frequency mismatch, and the yearning for your husband to become more initiating?


Yes. Definitely a frequency mismatch and a lack of initiation on his part. For instance, I am currently in that phase of my cycle where I want it all the time...and we haven't had sex since Saturday (when I initiated). Last night, I came to bed ready and willing...and he already had his headphones in (something we have ALSO talked about...I interpret the headphones as "no thanks" because it's a sign that he is ready to go to sleep). 

It's more than that, really. He doesn't seem to even think about it. He does not watch porn (trust me -- I would know...he's not savvy with technology at all). He doesn't ogle other women. He was a virgin when we met. It's as if it isn't even on his radar. 

And honestly -- it's probably more like once a week on average. Twice a week is a big week. He's 31, I'm 39. I think it's strange for a guy his age. But yeah -- he's always been like this...and we've been together for 8 years.

I appreciate the moral support.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> It is the Prozac, my wife takes it and if I did not initiate we would go a year with no sex. I don't have much advice but I know how you feel, it is hard to not feel wanted, especial when you take the time to be in shape.


It has been worse with other meds. The Prozac is actually an improvement. He couldn't have an orgasm with Lexapro...and Lexapro also gave him a lot of rage. Welbutrin was a disaster -- increased anxiety.

He has tried going off of meds completely, but it puts his OCD off the charts...which just creates more problems than it is worth.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

bewilderness!

I'm right along there with you.

Some people don't see the problem with only 1 or 2 times a week.

But as a HD woman myself I know that it is a problem for some people. Including me.

I'm the same as you. I almost always initiate. Our sex is often ritualistic. My husband just doesn't seem to have sex on his "radar" just like yours. He also won't take the time to give me multiples, and he for sure once go twice in one day.

It's frustrating, and really takes it's toll on our self esteem. 

I don't have much help as I'm still struggling with this, but just know that there are others out there like us. It's not as common, but it does happen. I'll be watching this thread for any ideas. 

You can see my thread here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html

For a very long story of how I'm struggling with this same problem right now.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you are here. I was a HD wife, divorcing a LD husband (low \ no sex drive was only a sympton of other issues, btw). "it's not a sex drive issue. It's a life issue".

Over the past few years, the most interesting thing I've come across is that anxiety, ocd, and other "physically manifesting" issues in men, as well as depression, can be ego related. And ALL of those things will seriously, severely affect a man's confidence towards sex.

Serious steps towards self-awareness can help all of your h's issues. The anxiety, ocd, the confidence to initiate, to be aggressive. All of it. 

Knowing this and actually knowing HOW to encourage your spouse to start down that road are two different things.Might never even happen.

There are now marriage counselling courses based on self-awareness. Because it helps in sooo many other ways.

But the saying goes.. if you lead, he may follow. And 50% of the time, you becoming more self-aware teaches you how to live peacefully with what is, which gives him the courage to try. And so it circles.
Peace.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

treyvion said:


> What's been your work around? ( to being "not wanted" ).


I really don't have a work around, to be honest we are going to marriage counseling right now because after 21 years I am all done with being ignored and unwanted. She was the one that was so aggressive about our relationship in the early days and I don't know what changed.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

What a tangled web. No wonder you're bewildered. Slight sexual incompatibilities ( or misunderstandings ) present so many problems. He thinks he's being respectful by by not taking you (acting like a jerk) yet just the right tough of that is kind of what you want probably.

I think you have a good handle on possible factors but how to approach him being more sexually masculine without making things worse is the real question. I don't think it's a physical issue either. It seems mental from what I've read. Of course we have so little information to guess with.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

How old are you two?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband tends to follow the same route, and it becomes too routine. I have reminded him of my impulsivity and how routine, for me, is annoying, angering and makes sex feel like step by step directions. Then he reminds me that I also have the power to change it up... I think it comes down to having that hard honest talk about what you want. 

You just tell him you want him to be more aggressive in bed. Leave him a note with a tiger picture or something. "Tonight! Tiger man!"

IDK, is this something you've already done?


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

bewilderness said:


> In my marriage, I am definitely the HD one...


Interesting! Makes me think of so many things, but let me focus:

I don't understand what you mean by your unsatisfied sex drive/desire. Or you, Curious.

To me, it means I want to take my wife to the multiples that I well know she is capable of, and if not daily, frequently. No? How about flop down on and spread your legs? No? How about lie next to me and caress me intimately? No? How about sit next to me and put your hand on my chest and feel my heart beating? No? SOMETHING, THEN!!! -- not go in the other room and read a book! When my wife is "there" for me, even if it's something small, it just means EVERYTHING to me.

I think I hear you expressing feelings like that, but then I read all kinds of other stuff: I wish he was more talented. I wish his parts worked better. I wish he did extra fancy stuff. I'm disappointed. I deserve better. I feel entitled to better.

Yes, insufficient sex and the longing for the intimacy that IS sex, AND the disappointing quality of the sex are both understandable problems, but I just don't understand how it can be half of each, at least not alternatively and in the same train of thought?

I'll borrow created2write's exquisite metaphor of a LD spouse withholding sufficient sex, as "feeling adrift in the ocean, and the other person has the means to help them, and they refuse to do so." I might imagine your husband showing up in a ship to rescue you, and then you simultaneously being overjoyed to have been rescued from the pain, loneliness, desperation, and panic of being alone in the ocean, and being disappointed with the various amenities on the ship.

Or, what if your husband had some sort of severe speech impediment, which might be a big problem. He says, "I love you!" In that moment, it seems like you'd either be thinking exclusively of your husband's love for you, or disregarding his love and thinking of his speech impediment, but certainly not both simultaneously.

I don't know. I'm guessing half of the people will understand exactly what I mean, and the other half will think I'm clueless.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

bewilderness said:


> Yes. Definitely a frequency mismatch and a lack of initiation on his part. For instance, I am currently in that phase of my cycle where I want it all the time...and we haven't had sex since Saturday (when I initiated). Last night, I came to bed ready and willing...and he already had his headphones in (something we have ALSO talked about...I interpret the headphones as "no thanks" because it's a sign that he is ready to go to sleep).
> 
> It's more than that, really. He doesn't seem to even think about it. He does not watch porn (trust me -- I would know...he's not savvy with technology at all). He doesn't ogle other women. He was a virgin when we met. It's as if it isn't even on his radar.
> 
> ...


 eh, I was, to a certain extent, behaving almost like your husband, long ago, due to communication problems. My wife is a typical Asian Muslim woman (very passive, non-initiating), and I am an atypical man (too immersed on work, not thinking about sex unless reminded, if no one reminding, then I don't initiate). 

My wife fixed the problem by learning how to communicate better and become more assertive. After a full year of no sex, now we are improving into 3 to 4 times a month.

How is the communication between you and your husband? Perhaps you have already told him, and he heard, but he didn't really understand that sex are important to you and you want more frequency, plus more initiatives from him. If that's the case, then it would be necessary to discover ways to present your messages in a way which are more comprehensive to him.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

bestyet2be said:


> Interesting! Makes me think of so many things, but let me focus:
> 
> I don't know. I'm guessing half of the people will understand exactly what I mean, and the other half will think I'm clueless.


I think I see what you're getting at...and to a certain extent, it is probably true. He has the ability to "rescue me," so to speak...but refuses to. The sex is great -- that's not a problem. I wish he wouldn't act like a child in the bedroom -- so yes, I have preferences, but otherwise he is a generous and considerate lover (when he gets there). He never leaves me hanging....but sex is too infrequent (for my liking) and I am the one initiating most of the time. 

I think it comes down to two things: infrequency and an air of "I can take it or leave it." 

And I can't. I don't feel nonchalant about sex. Not at all.

I can (and have) overlooked his anxiety, his shyness -- not because I'm a better person, but because I truly do realize that it is not his fault.

But what *is* his fault is that, just like a woman, he is responsible for his own sexual exploration, curiosity, and so on. And honestly? I don't think he has ever cared enough to go there. 

It's just very foreign to me. Very puzzling. He seems to view sex as something that is very natural, healthy, and fine -- but to a limit. If you suggest things that are kinky, perverted, out of the ordinary, he just goes blank. Shuts down. I think he's afraid, quite frankly. Afraid that he might like it? I don't know. Afraid it makes him a less noble man? Possibly. 

It's a puzzle, for sure.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> How old are you two?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm 39. He's 31.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband tends to follow the same route, and it becomes too routine. I have reminded him of my impulsivity and how routine, for me, is annoying, angering and makes sex feel like step by step directions. Then he reminds me that I also have the power to change it up... I think it comes down to having that hard honest talk about what you want.
> 
> You just tell him you want him to be more aggressive in bed. Leave him a note with a tiger picture or something. "Tonight! Tiger man!"
> 
> IDK, is this something you've already done?


I have sent him suggestions via text, etc...and he sometimes responds favorably. Other times, no reaction at all. I like the tiger photo idea. Ha!


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> bewilderness!
> 
> I'm right along there with you.
> 
> ...


Hi Curious! I've definitely been following along on yours! Hopeful we can both figure this out with our guys.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

deejov said:


> Sorry you are here. I was a HD wife, divorcing a LD husband (low \ no sex drive was only a sympton of other issues, btw). "it's not a sex drive issue. It's a life issue".
> 
> Over the past few years, the most interesting thing I've come across is that anxiety, ocd, and other "physically manifesting" issues in men, as well as depression, can be ego related. And ALL of those things will seriously, severely affect a man's confidence towards sex.
> 
> ...


I think what frustrates me the most is that he has no problem being aggressive in other areas of his life. Well, I should not say that he has "no problem," but he certainly knows how to express his anger (often inappropriately and aggressively).

I definitely think you are right regarding self-awareness. He started counseling last year (to deal with the anger stuff), but stopped going. He is the kind of person who would rather talk about other people, but doesn't look at himself very often. Doesn't understand where his struggles, motivations, strengths, and weaknesses come from. 

I blame his parents.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> How is the communication between you and your husband? Perhaps you have already told him, and he heard, but he didn't really understand that sex are important to you and you want more frequency, plus more initiatives from him. If that's the case, then it would be necessary to discover ways to present your messages in a way which are more comprehensive to him.


The communication is so-so, I would say. I tend to be non-confrontational until things are bad. I'm working on that. I think that might be a big part of the problem. I don't WANT to tell him that I want more sex. I want him to WANT more sex. Does that make sense? I suppose he won't...and if he is like you described (immersed in other things, basically), then I will need to just settle for taking the reins...but I don't think LD spouses realize how incredibly hurtful that is. To never feel wanted...or possessed. 

Don't take your wife for granted.  She sounds like a keeper!


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

bewilderness said:


> I think I see what you're getting at...and to a certain extent, it is probably true. He has the ability to "rescue me," so to speak...but refuses to.
> 
> I think it comes down to two things: infrequency and an air of "I can take it or leave it."


OK. I think I understand now. Maybe you wrote all those criticisms that I found puzzling, because you're trying to keep from hurting? "The merchandise is defective, so it won't seem such a loss, if I have to go buy another product?" If so, my advise: allow yourself to hurt. It's better to deal with this directly, than to hurt more later. More importantly, if you can consistently make it clear that you're hurting and why, and without anger, you stand a better chance of making progress.



bewilderness said:


> I can (and have) overlooked his anxiety, his shyness -- not because I'm a better person, but because I truly do realize that it is not his fault.


It may be his "fault," but it's his "problem," or his "fears," not his "spitefulness." Yes?



bewilderness said:


> It's just very foreign to me. Very puzzling. He seems to view sex as something that is very natural, healthy, and fine -- but to a limit. If you suggest things that are kinky, perverted, out of the ordinary, he just goes blank. Shuts down. I think he's afraid, quite frankly. Afraid that he might like it? I don't know. Afraid it makes him a less noble man? Possibly.
> 
> It's a puzzle, for sure.


Maybe you can help solve that puzzle, some day.



bewilderness said:


> I tend to be non-confrontational until things are bad. I'm working on that. I think that might be a big part of the problem. I don't WANT to tell him that I want more sex.


And when things are bad, hurt turns into anger, yes? Been there.

A few years ago, I came to believe it was just best to avoid thinking about sex. "Hey hardly thought about sex this week. Good for me!" Not this year. When I see my wife at the shower looking great, I say without reservation, "You sure look great. It's just painful that we're not having sex now. Maybe I'll do myself later, thinking about how sexy you are. By the way, it also really bugs me that I've been thinking about you all day, but doubt you've been thinking about me."

Time was, I wouldn't have said that, because I thought rejection would hurt more after saying things like that. You know what? It hurts less!

After much progress, I started to feel like we were going backwards. I usually plan what I'm going to say pretty carefully, but I just blurted out, "You've always put limits on our intimacy in all kinds of ways, and I've always hated it." Things may never be as great between us as I dream, but I'm "all in," and I want her to know it. I've actually decided she's had some abandonment fears, which seems like a piece of our puzzle.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bewilderness....thank you for posting your story here. It helps for people to read stories of LD husbands with HD wives, because it is assumed that this configuration "never happens". And that assumption is very far off base...but the assumption also causes HD women in your position to have no where to turn for advice.

There is a book though that you should read. It will not give you any answers per se, but what it does is help you as the HD wife feel normal...because people simply don't know how BIG this problem is. Men have LD at much higher numbers than people think they do, it is normal for both genders to be LD or HD or anything in between. But the stereotypes of men always being all about sex are not helpful. And the stereotypes of women NOT wanting or enjoying sex are not helpful either. 

Here's the book:

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire: Michele Weiner Davis: 9780743266277: Amazon.com: Books


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

bewilderness said:


> The communication is so-so, I would say. I tend to be non-confrontational until things are bad. I'm working on that. I think that might be a big part of the problem. I don't WANT to tell him that I want more sex. I want him to WANT more sex. Does that make sense? I suppose he won't...and if he is like you described (immersed in other things, basically), then I will need to just settle for taking the reins...but I don't think LD spouses realize how incredibly hurtful that is. To never feel wanted...or possessed.
> 
> *Don't take your wife for granted.  She sounds like a keeper!*


:iagree: yes she is, thank you!

As for your statement:



> I don't WANT to tell him that I want more sex. I want him to WANT more sex. Does that make sense?


I believe, in my experience, the First statement is what leads the Second statement. My wife stated that she wants sex and her reasons, and somehow, she was able to make me see that _I_ also should want to have more sex with her, due to reason 1,2,3.. and so on. She presented her reasons, I think she made sense and I accepted her reasoning, and then adjusted my behavior accordingly (better time management, better planning for "couple time"), and yes I do feel better, and I see improvements, she becomes more happy, more confident, more attentive. In the end we both improves ourselves and becomes better persons.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

UPDATE: Recently, I have been experimenting with just being really blunt about sex, with mixed reactions from DH. 

I also really like bestyet2be's idea of expressing how much it hurts me when he is not interested. I think I avoid expressing sadness because it often leads to an argument. His typical response to my sadness is anger, at first. Then arguing. Then apology. It's a cycle that I try to avoid at all costs, but ultimately, I know that I am swallowing my feelings in order to spare him...and I also know that it backfires. Awareness is half the battle, as they say.

A perfect example of this scenario:

Recently, we went tent camping with the kiddos (ages 16 and 10) for 2 weeks. As such, we had VERY little privacy. We spent one night in a bed and breakfast, halfway through our trip. The girls had their own room. While we were there, I went to the grocery store, laundromat and gas station in order to prep for the second half of our trip. When I came back, he was still awake, but ready for bed. I quickly undressed and came to bed. He put his headphones in and turned out the light. Rolled over with his back to me.

I was absolutely devastated. I knew this would likely be our ONE night alone in a two week span...and he was going to sleep? I couldn't stand it. In retrospect, I probably should have just initiated sex if I wanted it...but again, it already felt like a rejection. So I defensively asked, "You don't want to make love to me?" And then a brief argument ensued...but no sex. I literally cried myself to sleep -- after lying there for hours. I was so angry, frustrated, and yes -- very deeply wounded.

So yeah. I think I really do need to express those feelings to him more adequately. Like "best," I have also found myself applauding myself for "going without" for long stretches. And that just seems wrong. And unhealthy.

Thanks for all of the really great responses. I appreciate it. And I guess there is some comfort in knowing that I am not alone.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Also -- a bit of comic relief. I texted a girlfriend about the bed and breakfast situation afterward and she said, "WHAT?? Everyone knows that the whole point of staying in a hotel is to have freaky hotel sex!!" Ha. Apparently he didn't get the memo. *eyeroll*


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bewilderness said:


> In my marriage, I am definitely the HD one. I think about sex frequently, am very sexually attracted to my husband, and would love to try new things, be "taken," the whole 9 yards. I am also much more experienced than my husband, but I have never gone full disclosure because I don't want to hurt him or make him feel bad about his lack of experience. He's a great lover -- it just doesn't happen as often as I would like...and I get tired of initiating. I sympathize with the fellows who are married to LD women...and frankly, there are times when I wish I was LD too.
> 
> At present, we have sex 1-2 times per week (on average). Sometimes more, sometimes way less. He travels a lot. He has obsessive-compulsive disorder and takes Prozac to keep it under control. In the past, he has had issues with maintaining an erection because his anxiety takes over and shuts off blood flow to the penis. Fun times. At any rate, most of that (the anxiety) is behind us...but we seem to have other problems related to sex now.
> 
> ...



Good for you never telling him about your sexual past, unless he asks and then its on his head.

I hear yah. I am married to a great wifee, but LD and only vanilla sex and clueless......

We have sex 1 - 2x month on average and I am ashamed to say this, but I sometimes relieve myself 4+ times in 2 days over the weekend, so more sex by myself than 1 month with my wife!!!

I too have stopped initiating, and very frustrating.

My wife also prefers sex at bedtime, were as I could have sex in the morning, middle of the night, outside, in the car, shower, you name it.

My wife is the one who does the baby talk, were as I don't.

I too knew my wife was LD from the beginning and I also hoped she would get her stride but never has.

I could have sex 2 or 3 times a day but my wifee is only once and that's it for a few weeks.

My wifee is also very chatty but not when it comes to sex.

I've done the chatting, EA's, almost a PA, hookup sites, etc. but I have it all up many years ago. Very addicting. My only weakness is porn when I'm really in the mood and can't stand it much more. Then its 2 - 3x in 1 to 2 hours and I'm good for quite the while and the sex urge is completely gone, like it never occurred.

I think how secure LD's are about their bodies. Are they big and shy? Cover themselves up?

How were they raised? Shy, quiet and conservative parents?

Did they have a bad ex that has permanently hurt them?

Were they abused and have never told anyone?

Some say its their faith but I am a man of faith and HD, so I don't buy that. Faith has nothing to do with sex drives. Faith is of the spirit and not the body.

In the end, I have given up and stopped initiating. Good wife, just not in the bedroom and she is LD. Can't win em all.....


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

bewilderness said:


> I also really like bestyet2be's idea of expressing how much it hurts me when he is not interested. I think I avoid expressing sadness because it often leads to an argument.


Hey thanks! One thing I mentioned here, though maybe not strongly enough was, "And less can be more. Don't give up, try again tomorrow, but don't go on explaining why you hurt too repetitively today."

It's soooo hard in so many situations for me to shut up as quickly as I know I should. Nagging isn't cool!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

bewilderness said:


> I was absolutely devastated. I knew this would likely be our ONE night alone in a two week span...and he was going to sleep? I couldn't stand it. In retrospect, I probably should have just initiated sex if I wanted it...but again, it already felt like a rejection. So I defensively asked, "You don't want to make love to me?" And then a brief argument ensued...but no sex. I literally cried myself to sleep -- after lying there for hours. I was so angry, frustrated, and yes -- very deeply wounded.


I am the same way. Many time I'm excited about sex, then he seems uninterested. He doesn't come out and say "no sex" but his body language says he isn't interested. I know I should initiate it. But I agree. It already feels like a rejection. So I don't. I just get upset and hurt. It is very painful. 

But it is also painful to ask, and they say no. It's a lose lose situation.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

I understand you, usually in a marriage one spouse has more sex drive than the other. That's not fair. I have a sex life like that, she even initiate sometimes but she doesn't try new things, i'm the one who tell her about learning new stuffs, do something different. It's a shame, i know. Sometimes i think on cheating.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

bewilderness said:


> Also -- a bit of comic relief. I texted a girlfriend about the bed and breakfast situation afterward and she said, "WHAT?? Everyone knows that the whole point of staying in a hotel is to have freaky hotel sex!!" Ha. Apparently he didn't get the memo. *eyeroll*


reading this makes me feel a bit guilty 

I have promised my wife to take her to a hotel for the weekend so that we could enjoy stress-free couple time, just us as lovers. Get out of the husband-provider and wife-mother role and just be me and her.

But I was too stressed over my job responsibilities, that this never came into fruition. The plan kept on getting postponed. Thanks Allah she is very understanding and not getting angry due to this.

I hate Mondays... why high-ranking people so love to do important meetings at Monday mornings? Makes it hard to concentrate on the Sunday before.. ruining my perfect weekend...


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

UPDATE: 

For several months, DH and I decided to go to the gym together. This was a HUGE help. For one thing, he was working out harder than he was on his own...and I think that lifting heavier weights (more often) helped boost his testosterone. 

In addition to that, I was very blunt with him. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he either needed to start taking care of business -- or I would. I was calm, direct, and blunt. I told him that I was tired of feeling like sex was something that he was just checking off of his list occasionally. I told him that life is too short to live without sex and that it was entirely up to him if we were going to continue as a married couple...but that I would no longer tolerate a sexless marriage. That certainly got his attention.

Both of those things have helped. I can't say that it would help everyone (because for one thing, you would have to convince your husband to lift weights and/or care enough about you to snap out of his LD state)...but it helped us. 

Recently, we started having problems again (not with initiating and/or regularity, but with his anxiety interfering during the deed). I realize that this is a lifelong process, but I am glad that we are both committed to making it work. When it happens, I know he is embarrassed, but it has helped us both to talk about our separate experiences. Just as I am not able to know what it feels like to be in his shoes, he does not know what it feels like to be in mine -- but we are at least trying. 

Anyway, thank you to everyone who contributes here. It is a very helpful group.


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