# Brand new



## sixty-eight

Hi all!

I've been married to my husband for almost 8 years, and we have 2 girls 7 and 3. I'm 30.

He has a high pressure job, sometimes I work too, but right now i'm at home with the kids. We just moved for his work and I had to quit mine. We are out far away from any family help.

We have a different spin on a common problem. I am the high drive, and he's the low, been that way ever since just after we were married. It was like, honeymoon's over, poof, brace yourself for brief occasional sex. also by the way, no more oral for you honey, oral is gross. I would have sex every day, he only wants a quickie once every 3-5 weeks. So we've compromised with once every 3-5 weeks :| I used to ask once a week, but the systematic rejection is a bummer. Now i just masturbate.

There is very little I can do to fix our problem that isn't morally reprehensible, until the big man will acknowledge we actually have one. 

So I figured I would hang around here and make some new friends that also don't have perfect marriages (or maybe some that do!)


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## EleGirl

Hi... Welcome to TAM.


Sorry to hear about your problems. What you are going through is not as unusual as most people would think. Men are as likely to make a marriage sexless, or near sexless, as women are. Yep, that's right. It's not true that all men want sex all the time. 

I think that you will find several other women here with the same issue you have. I had this issue too when I was married. I'm divorced how and yes, this is partly why.

You might want to repost your story in the General Relationship Discussion forum as that's the most active forum. My suggestion is that you just copy paste what you wrote here and open a new thread there.

Ele


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## sixty-eight

Thanks Ele,

Thanks! I don't think i'll be re-posting. I didn't join to get a solution, I don't think there is one short of drugging him and dragging him to the doctor and/or counseling (no), cheating (no), leaving (not for now at least). We have little kids, and i feel like it's a poor reason to rip them out of their lives, in our case at least.

So far, i've not encountered anyone who wants to cop to it in real life, and very few on the internet. But sometimes it's good just to vent and be acknowledged  Thanks for the support and the welcome.


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## EleGirl

Keep in mind that if you do post here more, you will find more people in your situation.


Here are two books that I think might help you. The last one by Esther Perel is very good. She has a lot of youtube videos to include some Ted Talks.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: and what you can do about it

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel


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## Woodchuck

sixty-eight said:


> Hi all!
> 
> I've been married to my husband for almost 8 years, and we have 2 girls 7 and 3. I'm 30.
> 
> He has a high pressure job, sometimes I work too, but right now i'm at home with the kids. We just moved for his work and I had to quit mine. We are out far away from any family help.
> 
> We have a different spin on a common problem. I am the high drive, and he's the low, been that way ever since just after we were married. It was like, honeymoon's over, poof, brace yourself for brief occasional sex. also by the way, no more oral for you honey, oral is gross. I would have sex every day, he only wants a quickie once every 3-5 weeks. So we've compromised with once every 3-5 weeks :| I used to ask once a week, but the systematic rejection is a bummer. Now i just masturbate.
> 
> There is very little I can do to fix our problem that isn't morally reprehensible, until the big man will acknowledge we actually have one.
> 
> So I figured I would hang around here and make some new friends that also don't have perfect marriages (or maybe some that do!)


I am sorry you are having a problem. My wife and I had rock star sex for a long time into our marriage, then she got the idea that refusing sex was a good way to express her resentment about everyday marital issues. We finally settled that issue, but in the couple of years in between, she developed neuropathy, which reduced her ability to orgasm from 100% to 5-10%...At your age, it seems like sex can go on forever. You never know when unexpected health issues can take it away.....Discuss this with your husband. Make him understand that you need his attention, and that it is not something that can be put off forever....Either of you could be taken out of the game at any time.....I doubt he would consider an open marriage, so the only alternatives are his improving his game, or you leaving the marriage....


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## sixty-eight

Man, that's so difficult Woodchuck. I'm sorry that happened to you guys. I have to admit that I am wildly curious about how you two deal with that obstacle, but I know that may be too personal of a question. So I won't ask directly ; )



Woodchuck said:


> I doubt he would consider an open marriage, so the only alternatives are his improving his game, or you leaving the marriage....


You doubt correctly my friend. So now it's a waiting game. Will he improve or will I leave. If he does eventually improve, will that be enough after all this time?

If I leave, there is no guarantee i'm going to find some good sex or a good relationship. There is the chance that i will have ripped us all apart only to end up alone. In the past, i have been unable to consider sex without love. I feel like, if I go down that road, i'd better be prepared for that as a possibility. My body is no longer perfect. I have two little kids that keep me busy. They love their dad, and he's really good to them. attentive and loving. Whatever is broken in our relationship where he feels it's fine to ignore me, the apathy doesn't extend to our kids. The custody battle would be wild, i shudder to even think about it. I just watched one of my brothers and his stbxw go through this, and it's terrible, even more so for my niece, and they have other reasons that legitimately warrant the split. 

He's the only person I've ever slept with too, so that's helpful in that I've never had rock star sex. You can't miss what you've never had.

Is half a sex life better than no sex life at all? I'm no doctor(and he won't go), but I think his problem might be low T. If that's true, than unexpected health issues have already taken it away. I guess it all depends on how much one values partner sex, and the importance placed on the individual vs. the happiness of the family. I have come to the conclusion that there will never be an ideal solution that is also within the realm of probability. I have mostly D.I.Y. orgasms and my kids get to keep their dad in the same house. I guess i'm still on the fence.

But that's why i'm not necessarily looking for a solution. Just some commiseration I guess : ) nice to meet you : )


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## MountainRunner

Well, sorry you're here 68, but welcome to TAM. I'm sure you'll find many to commiserate with and hopefully, just maybe, a solution or two. Anyway, welcome.


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## Haiku

Welcome 68. I like the profile name, by the way. 

Maybe you'd enjoy The Social Spot. There's plenty of lighthearted and amusing topics. It's a nice place to pass time with good decent people with something in common.


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## sixty-eight

@Haiku 
oh man. now i'm going to have to be the newbie with the questions. What/where is the social spot? I googled it, and found nothing that looks relevant.

and thanks! i thought it was appropriate, unfortunately for me ; )


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## MountainRunner

sixty-eight said:


> @Haiku
> oh man. now i'm going to have to be the newbie with the questions. What/where is the social spot? I googled it, and found nothing that looks relevant.
> 
> and thanks! i thought it was appropriate, unfortunately for me ; )


It's a subforum here on TAM @sixty-eight ...An "off topic" forum for those of us who like to kick it and chill with other members and discuss more light hearted "stuff".


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## Haiku

sixty-eight said:


> ...and thanks! i thought it was appropriate, unfortunately for me ; )


Ha ha. I'm sorry, but you have a good sense of humor about it. 

You probably already found it, but here:
The Social Spot - Talk About Marriage

Thanks MountainRunner!


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Its common and miserable. Some people just have very little interest / desire for sex and it seems that many will never change. I'm the HD in a HD/LD marriage (~30 years), and it just never gets better. My wife only occasionally wants sex, and when we do, she wants what she wants, and has no interest in doing things for me. Meanwhile I'm happy to do absolutely anything she wants.

HD/LD tends to rapidly also turn into selfishness in bed. The LD can have any sort of sex whenever they want. They can take the "never do anything you don't want in bed" and use it to mean that sex is just about what they want.

LD seems to be as unchangeable as sexual orientation. 

In the end your choices are
leave
cheat
live like a nun / monk. 

I've done the last for 30 years. I really can't say that I recommend it to anyone.


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## EllisRedding

So the real question ... why 68 and not 69 >

Thanks for outing me as a male hetero who wants to be Jessica Rabbit :redcard::rules::redcard::woohoo:

Also, stop at 2 kids ... the 3rd one ... the 3rd one was and has been a major **** block lol.


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## SecondTime'Round

Welcome, 68! Nice to meet ya! 

(I'm in PA too  )


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## Woodchuck

sixty-eight said:


> Man, that's so difficult Woodchuck. I'm sorry that happened to you guys. I have to admit that I am wildly curious about how you two deal with that obstacle, but I know that may be too personal of a question. So I won't ask directly ; )
> 
> 
> 
> You doubt correctly my friend. So now it's a waiting game. Will he improve or will I leave. If he does eventually improve, will that be enough after all this time?
> 
> If I leave, there is no guarantee i'm going to find some good sex or a good relationship. There is the chance that i will have ripped us all apart only to end up alone. In the past, i have been unable to consider sex without love. I feel like, if I go down that road, i'd better be prepared for that as a possibility. My body is no longer perfect. I have two little kids that keep me busy. They love their dad, and he's really good to them. attentive and loving. Whatever is broken in our relationship where he feels it's fine to ignore me, the apathy doesn't extend to our kids. The custody battle would be wild, i shudder to even think about it. I just watched one of my brothers and his stbxw go through this, and it's terrible, even more so for my niece, and they have other reasons that legitimately warrant the split.
> 
> He's the only person I've ever slept with too, so that's helpful in that I've never had rock star sex. You can't miss what you've never had.
> 
> Is half a sex life better than no sex life at all? I'm no doctor(and he won't go), but I think his problem might be low T. If that's true, than unexpected health issues have already taken it away. I guess it all depends on how much one values partner sex, and the importance placed on the individual vs. the happiness of the family. I have come to the conclusion that there will never be an ideal solution that is also within the realm of probability. I have mostly D.I.Y. orgasms and my kids get to keep their dad in the same house. I guess i'm still on the fence.
> 
> But that's why i'm not necessarily looking for a solution. Just some commiseration I guess : ) nice to meet you : )


Half the sex IS better than no sex...We are currently at twice a month....I should add, we will be married 50 years in Feb....We had a long and tearful adjustment period, most of the tears being mine...I actually felt it was almost as bad as loosing a family member....It was much worse than loosing a job....

Have you tried toys? You can get them discreetly on ebay...Having the husband cuddle you, while you use a toy could give you some relief, and MIGHT put him in the mood....Another item that helped us was a massage table....He may have little interest in sex, but there is nothing wrong with trying to get ALL he is able to deliver....


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## sixty-eight

EllisRedding said:


> So the real question ... why 68 and not 69 >
> 
> Thanks for outing me as a male hetero who wants to be Jessica Rabbit :redcard::rules::redcard::woohoo:
> 
> Also, stop at 2 kids ... the 3rd one ... the 3rd one was and has been a major **** block lol.


my username? i felt like it was applicable.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sixty+Eight

i have many I owe you one's.
he says it's "gross" which is funny, because it wasn't gross before we were married, and it's not gross when i blow him. He maintains now that he never said oral is gross, but further declines to do it for no reason. Or on the odd occasion (ie: when he is drunk, my birthday) that he will offer, he is bad at it (unintentionally? out of practice? on purpose?) It's a point of contention. Mr.68 frustrates me with his weird hang ups that he never displayed before marriage or kids. I'm trying not to be bitter about it. it just makes it worse. but calling B.J.s 68s make me feel ALOT better about it ; )

why 68 and not 69? from your mouth to God's ears my friend.

yeah, we're done with kids. i love the two we have, and i'm really afraid of upsetting the balance. We have 2 girls and they're 7 and 3 1/2. They used to always be so sweet to each other, and this year have started to bicker. when i picture them at 17 and 13 it gives me some real anxiety. Unfortunately for me, we didn't actually plan any of our kids. the first was conceived after a broken condom, and the second we were doing NFP and i came home after margarita night with the girls a little on the drunk side. Apparently when i mentioned that i was ovulating, it didn't sink it that he needed to put on a condom. whoops. He was excited about it, i cried for a few days. but i'm glad we have her, she's awesome. i'm just not a lady who enjoys pregnancy. or breastfeeding. or really infants. but now that they're older we have a lot of fun and it's not such a struggle all the time. So the plan is to not have anymore, and i have an IUD, but we've had 2 birth control fails and we have 2 kids. 

heh, heh, awkward. hopefully you can take a joke, person i don't know.
if it helps, i'm right there with you. i'd also like to be jessica rabbit. everyone has a dream : )


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## sixty-eight

Woodchuck said:


> Half the sex IS better than no sex...We are currently at twice a month....I should add, we will be married 50 years in Feb....We had a long and tearful adjustment period, most of the tears being mine...I actually felt it was almost as bad as loosing a family member....It was much worse than loosing a job....
> 
> Have you tried toys? You can get them discreetly on ebay...Having the husband cuddle you, while you use a toy could give you some relief, and MIGHT put him in the mood....Another item that helped us was a massage table....He may have little interest in sex, but there is nothing wrong with trying to get ALL he is able to deliver....


we have some vibrators. he likes to use them on me occasionally, during sex. But if he has said no to sex, he is not interested in helping me out at all. in that case, the vibrators seem to operate just as well if i use them on my own! lol ; ) of course it's not as good, but joking about it makes me feel better.

he loves when i give him a massage. but instead of making him frisky, it puts him out like a light. and once again, he doesn't reciprocate. So sometimes when he asks for me to rub him
or lightly scratch his back, i say that i would love to if he will cuddle me. he really doesn't like cuddling. i love it. so sometimes he declines and then i don't have to give him a massage, and sometimes i get cuddled and we have some romantic non sexual closeness time. win-win!


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## EllisRedding

sixty-eight said:


> my username? i felt like it was applicable.
> 
> Urban Dictionary: Sixty Eight
> 
> i have many I owe you one's.
> he says it's "gross" which is funny, because it wasn't gross before we were married, and it's not gross when i blow him. He maintains now that he never said oral is gross, but further declines to do it for no reason. Or on the odd occasion (ie: when he is drunk, my birthday) that he will offer, he is bad at it (unintentionally? out of practice? on purpose?) It's a point of contention. Mr.68 frustrates me with his weird hang ups that he never displayed before marriage or kids. I'm trying not to be bitter about it. it just makes it worse. but calling B.J.s 68s make me feel ALOT better about it ; )


Lol, makes sense,. I guess a better username than Dirty Sanchez :grin2:



sixty-eight said:


> heh, heh, awkward. hopefully you can take a joke, person i don't know.
> if it helps, i'm right there with you. i'd also like to be jessica rabbit. everyone has a dream : )












Thinking by my avi I may not be the most serious person here :laugh:


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## sixty-eight

EllisRedding said:


> Lol, makes sense,. I guess a better username than Dirty Sanchez :grin2:
> 
> 
> Thinking by my avi I may not be the most serious person here :laugh:


although if Mr.68 and i both liked dirty sanchez's then we might have some common ground :wink2:

but i really wish you had chosen a non-fecal matter related sex act to reference. vomit.


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## EllisRedding

sixty-eight said:


> although if Mr.68 and i both liked dirty sanchez's then we might have some common ground :wink2:
> 
> but i really wish you had chosen a non-fecal matter related sex act to reference. vomit.


The jelly doughnut maybe??? for some reason too many of the acts that come to mind include fecal matter 

Separately, being in a somewhat similar situation as you in terms of a high drive, do you find after going a long stretch you would rather not do anything? I guess best way to put it, at least for me, having sex makes me want to have more sex, so having sex once and then not again for a month plus actually adds to the frustration instead of helping. Not sure if that makes sense.


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## sixty-eight

EllisRedding said:


> The jelly doughnut maybe??? for some reason too many of the acts that come to mind include fecal matter
> 
> Separately, being in a somewhat similar situation as you in terms of a high drive, do you find after going a long stretch you would rather not do anything? I guess best way to put it, at least for me, having sex makes me want to have more sex, so having sex once and then not again for a month plus actually adds to the frustration instead of helping. Not sure if that makes sense.


yeesh. fecal matter or violence. those are my only options? :surprise:


Yes!! The knowledge that i will spend at least a few days after we have sex wishing for more sex can sometimes almost ruin the experience. I have been mid sex act, and completely lost my ability to orgasm when suddenly the only thing i can think of is that after this i'm not going to get any sex again for a while.

i have had Mr. 68 want sex after a long stretch, and been resentful. yes, i'm going to feel great today, but how about tomorrow? and next week. and the week after that.

Too many times have i heard "No! we just had sex two days ago!! ::acts exasperated:: like i'm a bucket under a leak that he just has to keep emptying. Waiting him out is far less demoralizing.

anyone have any suggestions for that? it can be a bit of a mindf***.


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