# Moving to start over?



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Basic background: Lived in large metro area for most of my life (@20 years). During that time entered into a mentally abusive and socially isolating relationship and subsequent marriage (obviously I didn't realize that at the time). Following the marriage I moved with him for his work to another state that I hated and he continued to make it difficult for me socially. We eventually divorced and it was not amicable (see other threads). Now I have moved home and am living again with my somewhat unsupportive family. My extended family is here as are the maybe 3 friends who I kept in touch with during this whole mess. My ex has tons of friends here (as they are the only ones he really allowed me to socialize with) and I am constantly terrified of running into them.

So here are my issues: while I am in a large area with many people, the metro area I am in is known for not being friendly and being very cliquey; I am ashamed that I lived here for so long yet have so little left here after what has happened ( I did have a normal social life and life in general pre-relationship); several times when I have attended a meetup or club I have had people be rude to me once they realize I am from here originally, and honestly I love the area-I just don't love trying to start over here (I met a another woman at a divorce support group and she had moved in the middle of her divorce for work to here and she had been terrified about making friends as well as she is extremely shy but she now has this massive group of friends but she feels that she only has that because she is new here-if she had stayed in her original location she'd be in my boat-although due to shyness not social isolation.)

So I have strongly been considering moving so I can start over with a clean slate. But it almost makes me feel like because of how things happened I am letting him "win" by not being able to start over in our hometown or that I am running away from my problems, I would again be leaving the few friends and family, and moving does not ensure that my past does not catch up with me or that I will succeed where I move. I do wish I could just make things work here.

I really just don't know what to do... I am very unhappy here but have thought about giving myself a year or two to try and reacclimate and then move. I feel if I try and move right away that if I have to come back I will still not have anything here and I cannot financially afford it right now.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Either moving again after a divorce so that they can have a clean slate or having dealt with a socially isolating relationship (and no I cannot reconnect with friends from my past. He made sure of it). I am only in my late 20s and feel like I am missing out on having a normal life :/

The few people I have available to me to ask have been very split on their opinions so TAM people any ideas? pros and cons?


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I moved away from my old town, job, life and started anew. I was not ready and it only damaged my ego even more. But...I moved from a small town where I was known and well liked to a much larger town and didn't know where to begin. It has taken a lot of time and hard work to make this transition. The jury is still out on whether or not this was the right move. 

Your past will follow you as long as you allow it to. I avoided my past like the plague and I finally had to face it. Get into counseling. 

As far as your "friends" are concerned....Why are you so concerned about them and what they think? If they had a half a brain and were real friends then they would at the very least have an open mind and make sure they had all the facts before passing judgement. You are allowing your ex to still hold your life hostage....He's still controlling you...


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am a big believer in moving generally. But, and this may apply to you, I believe in moving for something, not to get away from something.

So, move for opportunity, excitement and adventure. Do not move to run away. Think about exactly why you want to move. Also, is there some specific area you are interested in? Do you feel a pull to move somewhere?

Of course, I am one who moved 8000 miles away and changed continents, so take my advice fwiw.


----------



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I am in counseling. The reason the friends or lack there of matter is because his mo was to isolate me from my friends and then he bad mouthed me to the ones he "allowed" me to associate with. So I am in my hometown with constant reminders of my childhood and my entire life previous to him, and have next to nothing. It is extremely devastating.

I would definitely be moving to escape something. I have such a hard time being here and realizing everything I have lost. Although I do find the idea of moving fun and exciting and maybe a new lease on life but the primary reason would be to start over. I just wish I could start over here because I do like the area but I'm starting to feel extremely doubtful. I have been speaking to a counselor and she confirmed that most people that are in a socially isolating relationship often have a hard time starting over in their hometown because they often have so little to come back to- this is definitely my case.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

miche4 said:


> I am in counseling. The reason the friends or lack there of matter is because his mo was to isolate me from my friends and then he bad mouthed me to the ones he "allowed" me to associate with. So I am in my hometown with constant reminders of my childhood and my entire life previous to him, and have next to nothing. It is extremely devastating.
> 
> I would definitely be moving to escape something. I have such a hard time being here and realizing everything I have lost. Although I do find the idea of moving fun and exciting and maybe a new lease on life but the primary reason would be to start over. I just wish I could start over here because I do like the area but I'm starting to feel extremely doubtful. I have been speaking to a counselor and she confirmed that most people that are in a socially isolating relationship often have a hard time starting over in their hometown because they often have so little to come back to- this is definitely my case.


Move. Reframe the move as a new beginning. 

Now, let us help you choose someplace. Where are you interested in going? What kind of climate do you like? Where are you now (or region if you are not comfortable saying where)


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think it's different for each individual. 

I was in a similar sitch, in that all of "our" friends were really HIS friends, and I was left with a bare-bones social network after he left. Most are my friends are/were fellow writers, and you know as a group, we tend to keep to ourselves/need a lot of alone time, so I couldn't count on them for my need for socialization (as much as I love them).

I considered just booking it, but there was nothing drawing me to any other specific place, and I didn't want to move somewhere willy-nilly just because of the divorce. To me, that felt like running away from my problems. And moving elsewhere would also mean finding a new job, packing, moving, etc... far more stress than I was prepared to deal with at the time. (I kept our apartment.) And I felt that the stability of my job was really important to me at the time.

So I focused on my life where I currently am. My city can also be clique-ish, but you can find ways around that. I joined a softball team. I tried out some new MeetUp groups. As a result of both, I've made some great friends, and have re-invigorated my social life. Some friendships petered out, but other flourished, and I met new people through those friends. I found new places to hang out, and established new routines. It used to bother me that I couldn't go to this place or that place anymore, because those are places that he and/or his friends hang out; now that I've established new haunts, it doesn't bother me anymore.

Even so, the opportunity to re-locate is still open to me, and I may still take advantage of it, but I'm in a much better frame of mind to do so.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Miche4, You're a woman.. You are like the goose that lays the golden eggs.. Socially woman have it much easier than a man. 

The problem seems you have some self esteem issues of sorts.. 

Moving isn't going to fix this problem of yours I think. 

What you need is to be reminded what a beautiful flower you are..

Walk into bar and just stand there and wait for the guys to hit on you. Sign up for a single dating site and log in so men can see you online and wait for the request to come pouring in.. 

You need a shot in the arm to cheer you up I think, nothing more.. You are young and just down right now.. 

Trust me we all have been there. 

Bad neighborhood, Nothing to do around where you live and you need to travel do do something.. Closer to a younger crowd.. I get all of those.. But moving just to move, nah..


----------



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I am currently located in the u.s. Pacific southwest and am interested in either the Pacific Northwest (although I've heard some stories of rude attitudes) or western "mountain" region. I do not prefer very warm weather as I have that now but also do not want deep snow. Basic requirements would be a large ish city where the locals are friendly (ie I can meet people easily who want to make connections) and the economy must be good.

I wish I could improve my life here as I'm from the area, and enjoy the area. Also, while I'm not super close with family they are nearby. However, I have been back a few months now and am absolutely miserable. Meetup or other groups, sadly, have been a total fail. And I've given it a good fighting shot- about 8 meetups of various types where I attended at least 3 times. I really have no property (home/apt/ condo) or stable job holding me here. The only thing I have here is family, I guess a sense of "security" due to being from here, and the 2 or so friends that I was able to connect with during/after this mess.

I will freely admit that my self - esteem is incredibly low after what has happened. However, I am not in any way interested in male attention. I just truly want to make good friends again. I really struggle with the fact that he took such a vital thing from me and now want to make sure I can get it back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Well, I absolutely adore the Pacific NW. I have lived in Seattle and traveled the region extensively, spending every third week in Portland. I didn't find it rude. It felt like home to me from the very first moment.


----------



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Well, I absolutely adore the Pacific NW. I have lived in Seattle and traveled the region extensively, spending every third week in Portland. I didn't find it rude. It felt like home to me from the very first moment.


Oh really? Seattle was my top contender until I heard about the Seattle "freeze". I looked it up and found tons of posts complaining that for newcomers to the city the residents may act nice but they will not want to be your friend and making friends there is quite a lonely task. I was really shocked about how hard some of these people had tried to create a social group after moving there and were very lonely. Because of what occurred in my marriage and what I am dealing with currently it is absolutely imperative that I live somewhere where it is easy to find and create a good social group of friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

miche4 said:


> Oh really? Seattle was my top contender until I heard about the Seattle "freeze". I looked it up and found tons of posts complaining that for newcomers to the city the residents may act nice but they will not want to be your friend and making friends there is quite a lonely task. I was really shocked about how hard some of these people had tried to create a social group after moving there and were very lonely. Because of what occurred in my marriage and what I am dealing with currently it is absolutely imperative that I live somewhere where it is easy to find and create a good social group of friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was the reputation when I was there as well. I was married at the time, but I found a great group of girl friends due to work. My x found the same. I think the meet ups are quite active out there. It will be easier if you are sporty though. I actually thought Atlanta was much more difficult, but I felt like the people in Seattle got me, whereas never had that feeling in the South. 

I have found DC to be quite easy, but could see myself moving back to the PNW eventually. Maybe there is something to specific areas/geography appealing to certain personalities. (?)

eta: more likely to be a political/social liberal or conservative leanings though...


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Fenix said:


> That was the reputation when I was there as well. I was married at the time, but I found a great group of girl friends due to work. My x found the same. I think the meet ups are quite active out there. It will be easier if you are sporty though. I actually thought Atlanta was much more difficult, but I felt like the people in Seattle got me, whereas never had that feeling in the South.
> 
> *I have found DC to be quite easy*, but could see myself moving back to the PNW eventually. Maybe there is something to specific areas/geography appealing to certain personalities. (?)
> 
> eta: more likely to be a political/social liberal or conservative leanings though...


I also live in DC. I think it's easy in DC because so many people are "transient"--there are a lot of people coming into the area and leaving the area at any given time, so there are always people looking for new friends, either because they themselves are new to the city, or they're trying to make new friends because theirs keep moving away!

:rofl:


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Miche - I was in a similar situation and even had the exact same feelings of not letting my ex "win" by leaving. Working my therapist I discovered that making life decisions based on my ex's perceived status/opinion was not healthy. I had to check my ego and let go of my emotional ties to him. I was able to do so and I did move cross-country. 

It was one of the best decisions I've ever made! I've met several new friends, lost weight, and have updated my appearance. All in all, I recommend highly. Pick a place with weather conditions/lifestyle you like and go! Reinventing yourself is fun and leads to so much self-discovery.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

miche4 said:


> Oh really? Seattle was my top contender until I heard about the Seattle "freeze". I looked it up and found tons of posts complaining that for newcomers to the city the residents may act nice but they will not want to be your friend and making friends there is quite a lonely task. I was really shocked about how hard some of these people had tried to create a social group after moving there and were very lonely. Because of what occurred in my marriage and what I am dealing with currently it is absolutely imperative that I live somewhere where it is easy to find and create a good social group of friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've always met nice people wherever I've gone, but I will say I find people on the west coast to be particularly nice. Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, etc. 

Some good ways I've met new people - meet up groups, happy hour at classy lounges and sports bars, film festivals, volunteering, local sporting events, restaurants where you sit communal style, food truck rally's, concerts, classes at the local community college, etc. 

Just put yourself out there and see what develops!


----------



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you for all the great advice. I absolutely love Seattle but am just so leery about the 'freeze'. I have actually read posts about people leaving seattle due to the less than social attitude. Fenix are you just able to throw yourself into any situation and make the best of it when you move? I haven't moved a lot but I need to do this for my emotional health but I need somewhere that will be kind to me.

Oh DC sounds wonderful! I'm not keen on moving that far east but that's really what I am looking for 

I wonder if there is a "friendlier" version of Seattle? Maybe Denver?

BNW-Oh that is interesting that you did something similar. How did you pick where to live? Were you terrified? I am not interested at all in SF/LA/SD to be honest. I am rather shy normally so it is hard to put oneself out there but hopefully I can do that


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

miche4 said:


> So I have strongly been considering moving so I can start over with a clean slate. But it almost makes me feel like because of how things happened I am letting him "win" by not being able to start over in our hometown or that I am running away from my problems, I would again be leaving the few friends and family, and moving does not ensure that my past does not catch up with me or that I will succeed where I move. I do wish I could just make things work here.


miche4, what's so wrong with your slate? Slates can only be cleaned from the inside out.

Usually family loves us. If they're not buying our story then often that means it's too early to buy.


----------



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I want a slate where I can not have to worry about running into my past on a daily basis. I am working on my 'internal slate' with a counselor. However, in regards to the slate of life, I want to start a new portion. Being back here is exacerbating matters for me.

I think that definitely depends on your family. The "good" family members who I have spoken with completely agree that moving is probably the best way for me right now.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

miche4 said:


> Thank you for all the great advice. I absolutely love Seattle but am just so leery about the 'freeze'. I have actually read posts about people leaving seattle due to the less than social attitude. Fenix are you just able to throw yourself into any situation and make the best of it when you move? I haven't moved a lot but I need to do this for my emotional health but I need somewhere that will be kind to me.
> 
> Oh DC sounds wonderful! I'm not keen on moving that far east but that's really what I am looking for
> 
> ...


Miche, I have been moving my whole life so don't have any fear about it. I can be a bit shy if I allow myself to be, and am a bit of an introvert. I have an established method of reaching out. When I moved here (DC, 10 months ago) I did a lot of meet ups and contacted friends of friends. The meet ups are great for newly single people, as well as people new to the area. Because they are focused on an activity, it takes the pressure off. Also, join a class etc and/or a church.

Denver is nice with friendly people. Portland may feel more accessible to you. It is smaller and has a more intimate vibe. Is work an issue? Which would be better for your career? Can you plan a vacation to the PNW to see which suits better (if they do). Another lovely, though small, city/town is Eugene, OR.


----------



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I have never moved, other than the one disastrous time for my ex, so I fear it. I fear going somewhere and them asking about my past or my friends back home.

I can move anywhere it is just getting hired that is the issue. I just want the chance at a new life. I don't want my past always over my shoulder. I feel like here it is constantly around my throat.

Ok so because I do have this weird lack of friends issue due to his social isolation. If I were to move, yes I deal with future theoreticals which I am aware is not the healthiest thing but I need to know and have potential answers, what do I do/say etc to people asking about friends back home or something? I'm no longer batting at zero but I'm also no where near a healthy amount. I have no idea what to say. I went and got my haircut and the lady, my age- mid/late 20s) was talking about how a group of like 10 of her closest girlfriends were coming over for dinner... I almost burst into tears

If I were to move I would definitely make sure to fill my calendar with meetups, volunteering, classes, and possibly church or something. I have tried to do that here and it just brings me so so much anxiety

I have been having the recurring thought of if I do move am I abandoning the few gains I have made here? Am I risking the few friends I have left and the family I have reconnected with? I would hope that they would understand why I needed to go and keep in touch with me


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I grew up in a city but currently live in a smaller place and have for nearly a decade. I've wanted to move from here for many years, but haven't because the ex wanted to stay for her job. So I even commuted 4 hours to my graduate school for years so she could stay here.

I'm moving to the city where my grad school is in a month and I am really excited. I cannot wait. I have a plan for making friends thorugh volunteering, getting involved in community activism, and to a lesser extent in my graduate school (I want friends who live in teh city and are not so tied to academics). 

Like you, I don't have a lot of friends where I live currently. I have some mentors who are older than me, and we meet monthly. But I don't really have peers here. That is partly my fault. I hate this area and never wanted to invest myself in it. 

I do have friends already where I am going. ANd I am ready to invest myself in that place. 

I think that is a key. Are you ready to invest yourself in a new place.

Portland is nice. If Seattle is out for you, I'd consider Portland. If you are a lefty, you'll do really well there. Hit up the Red and Black Cafe.


----------



## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

Miche: I think I can understand both sides of this coin. Seattle is a hard place to meet a group of friends, especially if you compare them to friends back home that you grew up with. IMO the freeze is real, but you sound like you have a good soul and could warm your way through it. I did.. 

My history in a nutshell, I moved here from Texas in 1988, my best friends all live in Texas, however once we moved here, my ex did not like my new friends so I cut them out. Now after we divorced, I am rebuilding these relationships... It can be hard but be positive, strong., for every little step forward is just a building block for the new you.

Most true Seattlelites are pretty cool once you get by the clique piece. I was lucky enough to befriend a group of musicians, all very good people. Although rebuilding the relationships, after years of neglecting them is difficult and can be challenging. Not because they are hard to deal with it is me that is making it difficult as they have their lives and I am trying to reintegrate with them. Can be difficult at times but I have to do it. 

heck, I know how you feel when it comes to loosing everything, including self esteem, my ex was passive aggressive, had an affair, then manipulated me into giving her everything else under the pretense of getting back together.. Shame on me for being a good man (naive though) lol..... 

We had it all , stupid money, nice cars, great house, lived in one of the best kept secrets in the PNW. Walk to the Hood Canal, Music in the hood three nights a week.

Now I live in a 2 bedroom apt. alone and I am getting to like it, I am loosing weight, figuring out who I am again, I actually asked a girl out for the first time after marriage, then was flaked on. I have to laugh, she is a native Washingtonian. (freeze) I do not let this stuff bother me anymore. Do I care what these folks think or do... Not really. Their loss. 

You know in your heart/soul what you want to do. just take the baby steps to move forward, always look for the best in the worst and life gets easier. Believe me, I was married my first and only blind date, then after 29 years was cut loose like a bad Salmon... It sucked on every level but I am in control now and I do control how I feel about all of it. you can also. It is not that hard. If you ever want to chat about what I went trough PM me. 

One brick at a time and before you know it, you will have built a new foundation for your life, I can do it so can you. You have youth on your side.

One good book I read was "the obstacle is the way" It may be one of the best ever for moving forward. 

Take care,


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Found this article and thought of you, miche4:

Why You Should Move To A New City Where You Don't Know A Single Soul


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

We originally moved to our area 7yrs before we split . lt didn't go well for me but it seemed to work for my ex and she got a good job , made good friends.
l was all bum up and nose down though, trying to make it work out for work , money and buying a new place for us. So when it all went wrong l still didn't have any other life here , just ours and her friends.

lt's been really hard to know what to do because now there's my daughter and l don't wanna be too far from her and l want her to be happy and at home coming and going from where ever l ended up moving to,
But l had to get away from ex's new world without me and her circle .
But really , as the area had never worked for me anyway , l would have preferred to get right away .
Eventually though my daughter and me both came up with a nice compromise in a small coastal town totally separate to my ex's life yet still nice and close to my daughter and something we both really like but of course where l'd be happy and exited about too.
We've sold the house now , 18mths later and l just moved over to the new area only last wk. 
My daughter and me both absolutely love it here and l'm so glad of the decision and choice . lt's still so close to her yet a world away from my ex's new life and l'm so happy to be back on the coast.

Like some of the others , my jury's still out to on what the future holds with friends and a new life in all that way but l can say that l am sooooo happy to be away from ex's stuff and all our old world and to be here instead.
And hey , just between you , me and TAM, it is preeetttyy sweet when ex comes out to pick up my daughter and l can "feeelllll" her envy of where l now live. :smthumbup:


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Not only that, but moving also affords the opportunity for a real shift in possessions. I am moving August 1. I've now sold off all my old furniture, including the bed the ex and I bought. New place, new things, new people, new experiences...as long as a person is not simply running away and hoping the new place will magically solve internal issues I think moving is a good idea. 

Like Whitehawk, I've disliked the area I live in ever since we moved here and it was never meant to be a permanent home (we moved for school to get master's degrees). I like cities...and this place is just too small for me. I feel like a tiger in a cage around here. My friends here are all older than me, like much older (ex professors and such). I enjoy their company and sage discussion, but they don't do some of the things I like to do as a younger person. Where I'm moving I have friends my age and there are plenty of other folks near my age to meet.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yep couldn't agree more, get rid of everything.
I rang mine up as i was cleaning out the house and said just come get whatever you want, it's all going.
She was shocked, what don't you wanna keep it for your new place ? l was amazed actually, she couldn't comprehend why l'd want it gone. But not a hope in hell l scrapped it all, especially that bed  Best thing l ever did :smthumbup:
Well , apart from just a few personal "us" things anyway.

And there was this damn Yukka ex planted right near our front door, so l'd see that tree day in and out and it was like seeing ex over and over. l nearly cut it down.
Guess where my wedding ring is. l decided to make a deep hole under that Yukka , dropped in the ring , said a prayer and filled it in . l hope they're very happy together :rofl:


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You could have made a few hundred bucks selling it all on Craigslist.


----------

