# is it possible to get past an affair?



## ejames

My husband and I separated in December. He left. I did not want him to. 

Even though we were separated, we were still seeing each other pretty regularly and being intimate almost every time we did see each other. 

He was having an emotional affair before he left (with my best friend) that continued for a while after he left. They had sex once, after he left me. They were both drunk and he said that it never would have happened if he hadn't been drunk. I knew that it happened before he would admit to me that it did. Finally he admitted it but tells me that he barely remembers it at all. I've seen texts between them about how "amazing" it was though. I've asked for some of the details of how it happened but he won't give them... I'm not sure that I believe that he "doesn't remember."

He and I were having problems that he became infatuated with her (not sure why) but I'm pretty sure that's over now. 

After about 6 weeks of separation, he and I decided to try to reconcile. It's been about 2 months now. He hasn't talked to her in almost as long. I told him that I needed there to be distance between them, at least for a while. I told him that I wasn't sure I would ever be ok with them being friends ever again because they both betrayed me and hurt me so badly. 

So, the last 2 months have been very bumpy. We've had great/amazing/perfect times and we've had times where I'm crying so hard that I'm sick.

My question is, is it possible to move past an affair? And if so, how the heck do you do it? I feel like all I think about is them together....


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## EleGirl

Yes it’s possible to reconcile a marriage after an affair. But there is a lot of work that both of you need to do.

To start with, he can never have any find of contact with her again. Both of them betrayed you. She is not your friend or a friend of your marriage.

Here are some books that I think will help you figure out what you need to do. If you want to stick around here for support as well there are plenty who will give you the support.

The books are: {they are all by Dr. Harley. Read them in the order listed.}

Surviving an Affair by -> this one is just for you

His Needs, Her Needs -> this one is for both of you to read and do the work the book suggests

Love Busters -> this one is for both of you to read and do the work the book suggests


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## ejames

Thanks. I will look in to those books. 

I know that she is not my friend anymore. I do not want her in either of our lives anymore but I don't think that my husband is ready to accept that as a possibility. They were "BFFs" and all cutesy and stupid together.

The thing that gets me about it is that she got mad at him for finally telling me the truth about the sex. I knew about the emotional affair, and like I said, I knew about the sex too... they just wouldn't admit it. After it happened, my husband was acting kind of weird towards me. He had gone to visit her family with her for a few days. I had suspected something had happened, so I asked her. I said "did something happen on the trip?" nothing specific. Not, "did something happen between you two?" nothing at all like that. Her response... "Oh course I didn't sleep with your husband!!!" DING DING DING That right there told me that you did. 

I knew it had happened and finally he admitted it to me. She got mad because he broke a promise to her to "take it to their graves." Seriously, how middle school is that, really? ugh! she's so immature.


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## GusPolinski

ejames said:


> Thanks. I will look in to those books.
> 
> I know that she is not my friend anymore. *I do not want her in either of our lives anymore but I don't think that my husband is ready to accept that as a possibility.* They were "BFFs" and all cutesy and stupid together.
> 
> The thing that gets me about it is that she got mad at him for finally telling me the truth about the sex. I knew about the emotional affair, and like I said, I knew about the sex too... they just wouldn't admit it. After it happened, my husband was acting kind of weird towards me. He had gone to visit her family with her for a few days. I had suspected something had happened, so I asked her. I said "did something happen on the trip?" nothing specific. Not, "did something happen between you two?" nothing at all like that. Her response... "Oh course I didn't sleep with your husband!!!" DING DING DING That right there told me that you did.
> 
> I knew it had happened and finally he admitted it to me. She got mad because he broke a promise to her to "take it to their graves." Seriously, how middle school is that, really? ugh! she's so immature.


Sorry, but unless your husband is willing -- and eager! -- to cut your ex-bestie out of his life _immediately *and* *forever*_, there's really no point in even considering reconciliation.


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## LongWalk

Your husband had a real ego trip. The fact that your so-called friend sent out fvck me vibes to me under your nose was major factor in what made this exciting to the two of them. Your H did not take her so seriously because she just can't compete in terms of moral qualities. They didn't have children together, just a secret illicit sensual experience.

Can your marriage survive this? Well, you no longer trust your husband. Any contact with her is a deal breaker. But in the long run is he going to repeat this?

What is going to stop him? Love for you? His reputation? Self respect? Fear of divorce?


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## ejames

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, but unless your husband is willing -- and eager! -- to cut your ex-bestie out of his life _immediately *and* *forever*_, there's really no point in even considering reconciliation.



He's has cut her out...but I think that he thinks that it's possibly a temporary thing. 

Maybe I should just give up. The last 3 and a half months have been the worst roller coaster I've ever been on. I thought that reconciliation was going to be easy, or at least easier than separation/seeing lawyers/heading towards divorce/etc... 

She, I'm going to call her A from now on (because she really deserves privacy -- not), is so mad at him that I'm not sure she'll ever talk to him again anyway. She's blocked us both on Facebook and had several mutual friends block/unfriend us. She's acting so hurt over it, like she didn't sleep with a married man. Like him telling me the truth was such a horrible thing. He had mad a promise to me (really many promises), long before he made a promise to her. He promised that IF anything happened with anyone, he would tell me. It seemed like the right things to do, since he and I were still having unprotected sex.

I knew that there was an attraction between my husband and A before it happened. A and I spoke about it and she promised that nothing at all would ever happen between then, especially not while he and I were still married. A said that she would "rip my face off" if I even looked at her ex (of 1.5 years) the wrong way, so she understood that it was not ok at all, but she had sex with him less than one week after that promise. 

She told me over and over again that she wanted us to get back together....while flirting with him and telling him that she loved him. She made up so many stories about the things that I did or said. I've seen them in texts. I've been able to prove some of them false by showing my own texts to my husband. 

I think that the hardest part for me is trying to understand how someone goes from being your best friend, being the person that you tell anything and everything to, to being a person who wants to ruin your entire life. She was trying to take my husband, my home, even my dog.

Also, I really don't understand sleeping with a married man. I would never in my life try to go after someone who is already attached, legally or otherwise. I just don't get it. 

I'm not the kind of person who hates people but I really, really hate A. I hate her so much. I want to cause her physical pain (I never would but I really want to).


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## happy as a clam

ejames said:


> I told him that I needed there to be distance between them, *at least for a while.*


For awhile? Ummm, how about, like FOREVER.



ejames said:


> I told him that I wasn't sure I would ever be ok with them being friends ever again because they both betrayed me and hurt me so badly.


OP, women who SLEEP with your HUSBAND (especially your so-called "best friend") can NEVER be friends with him again.

What are you thinking? :scratchhead:


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## kristin2349

You say that the last 3&1/2 months have been rough and I know they have. But I'm sure anyone here who has been through this will tell you it is going to be rough for a long time. Can you take 2-5 years of this?

If you want to attempt to reconcile, you both need to get a plan together and the first step is cutting your so called BF out of your lives like cancer.

The next step is getting into some counseling together, and doing some reading on this (the books mentioned above are a good start).


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## ejames

LongWalk said:


> Your husband had a real ego trip. The fact that your so-called friend sent out fvck me vibes to me under your nose was major factor in what made this exciting to the two of them. Your H did not take her so seriously because she just can't compete in terms of moral qualities. They didn't have children together, just a secret illicit sensual experience.
> 
> Can your marriage survive this? Well, you no longer trust your husband. Any contact with her is a deal breaker. But in the long run is he going to repeat this?
> 
> What is going to stop him? Love for you? His reputation? Self respect? Fear of divorce?



I only call A my friend because she used to be my friend. She has not been my "friend" since the day that my husband left me and I found out that she had known for at least a month that he was going to. My husband and I were having trouble communicating and I thought we would get through it once we had a break from all of the crap in our lives (he had a hard semester, I was dealing with a parent coming back into my life after being gone for 25 years). A kept telling me that she knew how much he loved me and that we were going to get through it, she knew it. The night before he left me, A told me that she couldn't wait until we had babies and she knew it would be soon. Less than 24 hours later, he had moved out.

I agree about the "**** me" vibes. I think that he did this because of her. I think he did it because she waved her lady bits in his face and tried to convince him how crazy I am. She told him over and over again that I'm bipolar and that I'll never get better. Her mom is bipolar, so of course she's an expert. And he believed it. I'm not saying that we weren't having problems because we definitely were but she did not help at all. She did not do what a friend to either of us should have done. She just decided to take what she wanted. Honestly though, I don't think that she actually wanted him. I think that she's insane and decided to try to ruin my life. I don't think that he ever would've left without her influence.

I don't know if our marriage can survive this. That's why I'm here, for guidance and support. I really don't know what would stop him from doing it again, hopefully his love for me...

For the record, my counselor says that I am in no way bipolar but I do have an anxiety disorder. Also, she's pretty sure that A is histrionic.


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## ejames

happy as a clam said:


> For awhile? Ummm, how about, like FOREVER.
> 
> 
> OP, women who SLEEP with your HUSBAND (especially your so-called "best friend") can NEVER be friends with him again.
> 
> What are you thinking? :scratchhead:


Maybe I haven't been clear. I 100 million percent do not want her in our lives anymore. Neither of us have had contact with her since the beginning of February.




kristin2349 said:


> You say that the last 3&1/2 months have been rough and I know they have. But I'm sure anyone here who has been through this will tell you it is going to be rough for a long time. Can you take 2-5 years of this?
> 
> If you want to attempt to reconcile, you both need to get a plan together and the first step is cutting your so called BF out of your lives like cancer.
> 
> The next step is getting into some counseling together, and doing some reading on this (the books mentioned above are a good start).


I want to say that I can do this forever but that's not true. I love him but honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take this. 

A has been cut out of our lives. Hopefully for good. I know that I want nothing to do with her ever again and I will not ever allow them to be alone together again.

He and I are in counseling separately and have seen my counselor together a few times but have no regular counseling together. I've suggested it but he seems to think that we'll be fine without it.


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## Jellybeans

For any type of reconciliation to work, she has to be 100%, unequivocably out of your lives. 

He cannot have any contact with her. If that is not happening, then you have no marriage to reconcile.

Oh and affairs involving the "best friends" or any type of "friend" IMO are the absolute word kind. It's a double betrayal.

You already know she isn't your friend. Now he needs to act like he actually cares about you and axe her from his life. Some couples can survive an affair; others cannot.

How long married/together?


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## Jellybeans

Also, you may want to consider posting this thread in the Coping with Infidelity forum of TAM. You will get a ton of good advice there from others who have lived your situation.


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## ejames

Jellybeans said:


> For any type of reconciliation to work, she has to be 100%, unequivocably out of your lives.
> 
> He cannot have any contact with her. If that is not happening, then you have no marriage to reconcile.
> 
> Oh and affairs involving the "best friends" or any type of "friend" IMO are the absolute word kind. It's a double betrayal.
> 
> You already know she isn't your friend. Now he needs to act like he actually cares about you and axe her from his life. Some couples can survive an affair; others cannot.
> 
> How long married/together?


A is out of our lives... for now. I'm not sure how long that is going to last. I've told him that I don't think that I will ever be ok with them talking/being friends again. She's acting like the victim and saying she feels so betrayed and saying she doesn't think that she can be friends with him even again. Sounds good to me. I think she's just trying to hurt him. She hates when things aren't about her. 

And yes, I agree, this is about a million times worse because it was a friend. If it wasn't a friend, I would probably be so much farther along in healing. If it was just a stranger or a one night stand, it would be so much easier. If it weren't for the emotional affair, I think I'd be completely over it by now...

He is acting like he cares. We are way better than we were but I'm having such a hard time. I need to figure out a way to trust again but I don't know how. I will never trust A again, I know that. I'm not the first friend she has decided to ruin. As far as I know she's never slept with anyone else's SO but she has destroyed other people... I just never thought it would be me...

Oh, and he and I have been together since December of 2005, he actually left me 2 days before our 9 year anniversary. Married 5 years in June.


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## woundedwarrior

I'm definitely hard on cheaters, once you're a victim of one it will ruin you. Cheating is like a biting dog, once it happens, it will happen again. I wouldn't be too absolutely sure that he isn't secretly still having contact with her either, most don't cut them completely out and you stated that they were BFFs, which would be even harder to eliminate.
My well documented belief is and I've said it to death, when a spouse cheats, they push the NUKE button the marriage. Game over.

FYI- this was my ex, not my current wife, for those who have seen my threads, to avoid confusion.


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## EleGirl

ejames,

Did you get the book "Surviving an Affair". It will explain a lot to you about why your husband can never be around her again if he wants to stay married to you.

You are acting like your husband has a choice in what he has to do for you to stay with him.

What you do is to set your boundaries... "I will divorce you if you ever have anything to do with her again."

In that statement you are not telling him what to do. You are telling him what YOU WILL DO. 

Again please get the book and read it. There is a lot that needs to be done that you are not doing.


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## Maneo

in direct answer to your question -
Yes, it is possible to get past an affair.
The tougher question is whether it is probable or remote.
That can only be answered by the two people in the relationship.
You've had and will receive reasonable advice from people here, many speaking with the voice of experience.
But none of us know you or your husband or all of the circumstances in your situation.
Take the advice given and apply what seems appropriate for your situation.
But most of all, listen to your inner voice. Often it is hard when there have been and may continue to be strong feelings fro another to heed that little inner voice that may say "it's over" or, conversely, as emotions and hurt feelings flair from the actions of the other spouse to so or do things while that little inner voice says "stay the course, this is worth working out."
None of us can be inside your head or heart nor your husband's.
We can say what we would do, what we have done but we aren't you looking into the mirror at yourself.
Listen to that little voice that is yours alone.


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## melw74

For me no, I could never get past an affair. The trust would be gone, and that would be it for me no matter how much i loved him.

I loved my ex to bits, but after he cheated on me the trust went, and i just could not get past it maybe i was just weak.

You see when you love someone and they break that trust i just do not think i could regain it, and i never did, our relationship went down hill after that so i told him to leave. After he left i found out he was not just doing it with one person either, and he begged me to give him another chance saying it was a stupid mistake the things i found out after made me glad i got out. Not saying at all how its is here in your situation.

I think you just need to be sure that it really is all over.

Good luck.


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