# Out of character



## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

I have never posted on any board before, so please bear with me.

Late 40's and have been married to my wife for 18 years. We have 4 kids. By my estimation, we have a pretty fantastic life/marriage. I am looking for some unbiased feedback about a situation that recently occured. I will try my best to relay the situation with no spin.

We were cleaning out some old things and i came across an old phone of mine. I mentioned that i had not seen it in a while and that I would like to circle back and see if there were any old photos worth keeping. A few days later, i looked for it and it was gone. My wife claimed to have no idea about it. 

Later in the week, when some things fell off a dresser, I found the phone hidden. My wife has always been pretty self conscious and I figured she took it to see if there was anything incriminating on it. She can and has looked at my phone and thinks I don't know. Old, current, phone, computer - would be a pretty boring read. I figured I would leave it and let her take a look to allay any concerns she may have. -A confidence boost if you will. 

Over the coming weeks, I mentioned the phone and asked her is she had any idea. Always, she answered no. At one point she moved it and I lost track. 

Last week, while walking out the door to run a kid somewhere, I finally said, "Please put my phone back in the drawer. You have had it for a month and I would like it back".

She adamantly denied knowing where it was. I restated, "make sure it gets back there before I get home". 

I walked out with her screaming. Missed 13 calls before silencing the phone. On the way home, I wrote an email to her with the 2 scenarios that I predicted. 1. Phone is nowhere and she has no idea, or 2. After an exhaustive search she found it and I owe her an apology. I did not send it.

I got home to a torn apart kitchen and my daughter say, "we found your phone"! I looked at my wife and she said she must have moved some papers over it. I asked if that was before or after she hid it in a bag behind the dresser

I sent her the email i had composed and walked out and went for a drive.

First were accusations that I was snooping. Then, it was that I set her up. Then the famous, "why do you stay married to me if I am so bad"? -You see, if I have a small issue with her, I need to either divorce her or let it go, as those are the only options.

In the last few days, it has progressed to -I am so sorry, I have betrayed your trust- I don't know why I did it. She never even charged it.

I told her I did not care to talk about it right now. It is now all about giving her reassurances that I love her. I feel like I am in bizarro world. She lied and stole (for lack of a better term) from me and SHE needs reassurances? SHE needs to be coddled? 

She has apologized to me and the kids ( who were implicated in her lie). 

I guess I am looking to see if I am blowing this out of perspective. I never could have imagined her lying to my face and feigning indignation. I have never had any reason not to trust her, but now I look back and am questioning everything. Am I burying my head in the sand by not investigating what other lies she may have told me? If I had not happened to find the phone hidden, I would likely have suspended disbelief and figured it had been throw out.

Perhaps a bit of spin, but I would love some perspective.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, now you know she can boldly lie and play out lie scenarios and even drag your kids into it.

That's not good.

Not sure what I would do but I'd sure see my spouse in a different light going forward.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

She appears to be somewhat unstable and clearly doesn't trust you. 

Other than years of therapy which might not help at all, there isn't much you can do about it other than live your life as an open book to address her insecurities and expect more of this behavior going forward.

I hope the sex is worth it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don’t leave us hanging, wtf was on the phone?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Skoal said:


> n the last few days, it has progressed to -I am so sorry, I have betrayed your trust- I don't know why I did it.


Well, I think you know.... she DOES know why she did it, she's still lying....



Skoal said:


> She lied and stole (for lack of a better term) from me and SHE needs reassurances? SHE needs to be coddled?


No. In fact, HELL NO. "Coddling" is the first thing she wants, but the last thing she needs. What she needs is :

*NOUTHESIS*



Skoal said:


> Then the famous, "why do you stay married to me if I am so bad"? -


You need to tell her that you will not acquiesce to her manipulation any longer. If she truly wants your forgiveness, she needs to "come clean" about why she did it..... that you remain married to her because.....



Skoal said:


> By my estimation, we have a pretty fantastic life/marriage.


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## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

Nothing. There was not even a sim card in it. I thought there may have been old pics, but the card must have been moved to a newer phone. It was shattered and from 2013.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Don’t leave us hanging, wtf was on the phone?


Already stated. A boring read.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Trident said:


> She appears to be somewhat unstable and clearly doesn't trust you.
> 
> Other than years of therapy which might not help at all, there isn't much you can do about it other than live your life as an open book to address her insecurities and expect more of this behavior going forward.
> 
> I hope the sex is worth it.


yes because 18 years of what OP describes a a good marriages boils down to some insecurity and sex. 

OP you need to sit and have a non-judgement, away from kids conversation about why she did this. Not out of blame but to try to understand what may be driving this illogical behavior. For instance she may have thought that a few years back you had an affair and wanted to look at it. Maybe she didn't turn it over because she wanted to find the charger and go through the phone. Maybe she wanted to see what photos you were 'trying to save'. 

Yes her behavior is very weird and not acceptable but she obviously has something that is bothering her. Now is the time to try to figure out how to strengthen the marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am guessing its only your phone and she would never had it to use? now if she was using it in the past then perhaps she is worried about something on it. Here is the thing that concerns me and clearly you, why lie about something as silly or innocuous as an old item that has no value beyond the stored memories. I am also assuming that kids did not move the phone either. So question is why would she go to the trouble to hidden it twice and you never stopping to plug it in and see what is on it. By process of elimination i would have done just that. charge and review all the items on the phone....if you in fact find nothing then we need to circle back at her intention in both lying about it and hiding it. 
one thing for certain is that she has demonstrated that you can not trust what she is saying, again assuming the kids did not move it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> now if she was using it in the past then perhaps she is worried about something on it


Your conclusion not supported by the premise as stated in the Op.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Trident said:


> Your conclusion not supported by the premise as stated in the Op.


i am providing a conclusion because i don't have all the facts, i am coming up with possible hypotheses that have to be tested.


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## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

The phone was dead when I found it. It was also dead when I got it back.

There was no SIM card in it and I do recall it being transferred to a new phone.



I have every intention of having a non threatening discussion with her at some point when things have calmed down. I've never had any reason to mistrust her until now. 

As to her distrusting me? For as long as we've known each other I've done nothing at all to earn that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Is there a reason she is looking for something incriminating? I find it odd she would go to such an extreme for no reason, I can’t imagine anyone doing something like that without some history. 

I’m sorry she lied about it, but glad that she came clean eventually, that’s good at least.


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## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

At the risk of hearing someone say, "thou doth protest too much", I will just say, No. I have never given her any reason to question where I am or what I am doing. 

That is not to say she does not. She checks from time to time. I have no issue with that. 

I work in a male dominated industry and am home every night and weekend.

I don't know that I would qualify her as having "come clean". She was caught with no reasonable explanation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Skoal said:


> The phone was dead when I found it. It was also dead when I got it back.
> 
> There was no SIM card in it and I do recall it being transferred to a new phone.
> 
> ...


As a woman married for 27 + year in the best marriage I know, I can tell you.... you don't always have to earn it.

I mean hanging out at this sight has sometimes brought insecurities up in me that my husband in no way has ever earned. And at 18 year married you are hitting that midlife crisis mode. Many long term couples bite it at about 20 years. Who knows what is driving this insecurity. That's the thing about insecurity and crazy. Neither has to have logic, It's about how the person is feeling.
Those feelings can be triggered by age, TV, books, comments by others, our own insecurities about age, weight, pandemic, lonliness and such.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't get this. Why not just take your phone back and ask why she had it.

I don't get people in a marriage who have a problem with their partners looking at their phone. I also wouldn't care if my wife did. I guess I just see it like sometimes there can be some miscommunication or misunderstanding that makes people a little insecure, if all it takes is your partner looking at your phone to stop worrying who cares. I mean if it was consent then yea but if it's once and a while who cares. It seems like you kind of did this. Maybe you were hoping it would just go away. 

Anyway time for a sit down to talk to your wife about all of this. Why is she so worried?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> As a woman married for 27 + year in the best marriage I know, I can tell you.... you don't always have to earn it.
> 
> I mean hanging out at this sight has sometimes brought insecurities up in me that my husband in no way has ever earned. And at 18 year married you are hitting that midlife crisis mode. Many long term couples bite it at about 20 years. Who knows what is driving this insecurity. That's the thing about insecurity and crazy. Neither has to have logic, It's about how the person is feeling.
> Those feelings can be triggered by age, TV, books, comments by others, our own insecurities about age, weight, pandemic, lonliness and such.


I hate to say it but it should be said. 

Insecurities can also be triggered by projection of ones own behavior onto someone else.

This is the total opposite of my post above but I guess I am covering all the bases. This would most certainly be discussed among other things.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Skoal said:


> Then the famous, "why do you stay married to me if I am so bad"? -You see, if I have a small issue with her, I need to either divorce her or let it go, as those are the only options.


I think ^^this^^ clearly points to a much larger issue than the "missing" phone.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Yeah I don't think the marriage is so fantastic if divorce is thrown around at the drop of a hat and you can't just be honest with her from the start rather than playing the "I will send her an email with 2 scenarios" game.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Skoal said:


> I have never posted on any board before, so please bear with me.
> 
> Late 40's and have been married to my wife for 18 years. We have 4 kids. By my estimation, we have a pretty fantastic life/marriage. I am looking for some unbiased feedback about a situation that recently occured. I will try my best to relay the situation with no spin.
> 
> ...


Ok I have some insight here. My wife has this thing where when we have a disagreement the only time she gets angry or acts somewhat irrational is when she knows she's wrong. She won't admit it but she understands she's wrong but her reaction is to be mad. She's mad about being wrong. My wife like to feel in control, she's not controlling but she needs to feel in control. It's something she should probably get therapy for. When she is on the losing side of an argument she feels out of control and she has a weird reaction to that. We're also in our 40s and have been married 19 years. I figured this out about her about 10 years ago. Now when we are arguing about something this knowledge can be a problem because when she starts getting real mad I start to smile because I know she knows she's wrong, then she gets more mad because she knows that I know that she knows she's wrong. 

Your situation sounds like my wife. Your wife knows very well she is wrong and her actions were childish and petty. She's mad about it, probably mad at herself as much as you for calling her out. But if she's anything like my wife, you might just have to enjoy the knowledge she knows she was wrong quietly because she will never admit it. But I wouldn't go along with stroking her ego because of it she needs to get over herself. The whole why don't you just divorce me thing is just overdramatic deflecting and trying to make you console her for her own bad behavior.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s problematic as well that she easily lied to you. Talk to her about that too.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

When I cheated on my XWH I got a burner phone that looked just like both our regular cell phones so if it was left out he wouldn’t think twice about it. Maybe she didn’t think it was YOUR old phone. I hope her insane reaction is due to something else.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm confused. If it's your old phone, why would there be anything incriminating to her on it? I could understand if it was her old phone, although then it would be hers to take and not share..


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm confused. If it's your old phone, why would there be anything incriminating to her on it? I could understand if it was her old phone, although then it would be hers to take and not share..


I was thinking the same, but.........I think I'm misinterpreting what he said. If she has been ''pretty self conscious'' maybe he meant an unflattering photo of a muffin top, or double chin, or arm flab in the phone (just guessing?). 

Something I'm curious about is......it seems like this scenario with letting her build up a pattern of lying was a mild sting operation. True, @Skoal?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> Something I'm curious about is......it seems like this scenario with letting her build up a pattern of lying was a mild sting operation. True, @Skoal?


Anyway, the reason I ask is because things seemed chill for a month with you asking periodically about the phone, and her lying about it. Then out of the blue, you basically demand it be returned and screaming ensued, missed/ignored calls, emails, big fight, accusations and recriminations, etc. 










Something was percolating inside of you and it finally popped (not the fight, but the strongly worded request for the phone back). 

Did you suspect she had a lying habit before, or is this completely out of the blue?

Maybe she's so good at it, it's not ''out of character'' but perfectly in character, but you are just finding out now. 

Just spitballin' here.


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## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

I appreciate all of the feedback. I was actually kind of hoping that I would get a lot of - you are the a hole for making a deal of it. 

I left the phone where I found it hidden because, initially, I did not care if she wanted to look at it. If it made her feel more confident, no skin of my nose. I asked about it several times (knowing she had it) because I did want to see if any pictures were on it (old kids pic ect). She told me she had not clue where it was. After a month, I told her that I would like the phone back and I knew she had it. Then she again claimed to not know. Shortly after, the gig was up. 

Was I playing a game? Did not think at the time, because I did not care. I can see now, that I should have just confronted her when I found it hidden. In hindsight -kind of a set up. 

I have never questioned her honesty in the past. This was an isolated incident as far as I know. But she dug in really far.

Happyhusband... we could be married to the same woman. 

If it is an issue of a lackself confidence, and she got caught up in it in the collective opinion, great. That is why I am asking for the unbiased opinion of strangers.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Skoal said:


> I appreciate all of the feedback. I was actually kind of hoping that I would get a lot of - you are the a hole for making a deal of it.
> 
> I left the phone where I found it hidden because, initially, I did not care if she wanted to look at it. If it made her feel more confident, no skin of my nose. I asked about it several times (knowing she had it) because I did want to see if any pictures were on it (old kids pic ect). She told me she had not clue where it was. After a month, I told her that I would like the phone back and I knew she had it. Then she again claimed to not know. Shortly after, the gig was up.
> 
> ...


OHHHHH you should be aware we all have our biases. Some of us are women. Some of us are men. Some have been cheated on and get triggered by any little thing. Some have had their privacy invaded.

We may not know you or your wife but there is plenty of bias. In addition most have been divorced for one reason or another (some remarried) so it is not a self selecting group which by definition brings in bias.

Not saying it's bad but you should recognize the situation.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Skoal said:


> I appreciate all of the feedback. I was actually kind of hoping that I would get a lot of - you are the a hole for making a deal of it.
> 
> I left the phone where I found it hidden because, initially, I did not care if she wanted to look at it. If it made her feel more confident, no skin of my nose. I asked about it several times (knowing she had it) because I did want to see if any pictures were on it (old kids pic ect). She told me she had not clue where it was. After a month, I told her that I would like the phone back and I knew she had it. Then she again claimed to not know. Shortly after, the gig was up.
> 
> ...


Her getting the phone and being possibly suspicious leads me to think maybe she has done something wrong and is projecting onto you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I think ^^this^^ clearly points to a much larger issue than the "missing" phone.


i think that statement is more of a character issue. That's the way she fights. When I was in my 20s, I dated a guy who would say "Are your threatening me" when he didn't like the conditional statements that I would make. For example, I don't like this kind of behavior and it is a dealbreaker." Response: Are you threatening me?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@NextTimeAround - Could you expound on what you've said. Yes, I definitely agree with you that this IS a character issue. But what I was saying is I feel the problems that came up as a result of the "missing" cell phone point to larger issues in the marriage. 

You say that's the way the OP's wife fights. Specifically, what type of character do you personally feel makes someone fight this way? Not being snarky here or looking to criticize you. I'm genuinely interested in your perspective.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Skoal said:


> If it is an issue of a lack self confidence, and she got caught up in it in the collective opinion, great.


What say you? You know your wife. I don't. Do you feel she lacks self confidence? Has she exhibited this trait before? I'm interested to know why you posted that she basically conveys that you either get lost (as in divorce) or you let the issue go (as in rug sweep).

From where I'm sitting, it sounds like there are ongoing problems/issues in your marriage that haven't been resolved. The phone issue is simply one example. I could be wrong. If I am, please correct me. You may not feel like going into this in greater depth beyond her hiding the phone. If that's the case, fine.

It just sounds like the phone may have been something that made you say you've had enough of this nonsense.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Immaturity* when she knows she has done something inappropriate? She reverts to childish black and white accusations too. She may have learned this as a kid. Has she done this type of thing in other situations?

How frustrating for you now....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She knew what she did was wrong, and being wrong matters to her because she has integrity.

Only now, she is in the 'had integrity' category. It kills her to admit guilt.

I see paranoia creeping up on her. She may feel she is losing control and is panicking.

Check her meds for weird side effects.
If this odd behavior continues, she may be having some sort of (physical) brain crisis.
Or, the beginnings of mental illness, a whole host of possibilities are possible.

Naturally, it is way too early to make such statements.

Stand back and observe her for more 'out of character' symptoms.

Wait and see, umm, wait and pray.


_Are Dee-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Skoal said:


> I appreciate all of the feedback. I was actually kind of hoping that I would get a lot of - you are the a hole for making a deal of it.
> 
> I left the phone where I found it hidden because, initially, I did not care if she wanted to look at it. If it made her feel more confident, no skin of my nose. I asked about it several times (knowing she had it) because I did want to see if any pictures were on it (old kids pic ect). She told me she had not clue where it was. After a month, I told her that I would like the phone back and I knew she had it. Then she again claimed to not know. Shortly after, the gig was up.
> 
> ...


Why would there be anything incriminating to her on your old phone? Please explain. Isn't whatever is on your old phone something you yourself put on it?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I don't think you're an ahole but it does seem like a strange thing to go to war over. Your wife apparently has a certain image of herself, that she doesn't do crazy stuff like what she did, and for some reason you just seem to have to stuff it right in her face that she's not who she thinks she is! When her taking your old phone didn't really impact your life that much.

Since what she did had no real impact on me I'd probably drop it, let her have the image of herself she wants as a loving gesture. Like how Alec Baldwin is still pretending his wife is Spanish. If you're worried that one lie might indicate other lies, well, most people lie at some point in their life. Even with someone you trust be alert. It doesn't mean she's lies about everything and you don't have to make a federal case every time you catch one.


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## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

This is kind of the approach that I have been taking. Did not want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but don't want to dismiss it either.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

gaius said:


> I don't think you're an ahole but it does seem like a strange thing to go to war over. Your wife apparently has a certain image of herself, that she doesn't do crazy stuff like what she did, and for some reason you just seem to have to stuff it right in her face that she's not who she thinks she is! When her taking your old phone didn't really impact your life that much.
> 
> Since what she did had no real impact on me I'd probably drop it, let her have the image of herself she wants as a loving gesture. Like how Alec Baldwin is still pretending his wife is Spanish. If you're worried that one lie might indicate other lies, well, most people lie at some point in their life. Even with someone you trust be alert. It doesn't mean she's lies about everything and you don't have to make a federal case every time you catch one.


This was a really hugely played out lie, though, including theatrics (a "play" scene including _the kids_ directed by his wife). 

I took OP should keep in mind how forcefully his wife can lie. 

This post makes it seem like she's the victim. Not.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Is there a reason she is looking for something incriminating? I find it odd she would go to such an extreme for no reason, I can’t imagine anyone doing something like that without some history.
> 
> I’m sorry she lied about it, but glad that she came clean eventually, that’s good at least.


Insecurity is a powerful motivator.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> I think ^^this^^ clearly points to a much larger issue than the "missing" phone.


DARVO.

Gaslighting. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Skoal are you okay with this behavior continuing?

This is incredibly important in how you are advised. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Reading through all the comments, I don’t see anything terribly nefarious at the root of anything. One thing that screams out to me though is insecurities. My husband used to work for a major cell phone provider so it wasn’t uncommon for random phones to be laying around here. (sometimes what was turned in for a new phone wasn’t worth a trade in so he would buy them from the customer for spare parts). At any rate, I went through every single one I found. I also had reason not to trust my husband so there’s that. But, on top of it, I went through an incredibly insecure period. I had reasons to be insecure, but still. Insecurities for me led to snooping.

Is your wife an insecure person? If so, a lot of times insecurities = snooping = shame for snooping = embarrassment if caught = defensiveness due to shame.

Not excusing anyone’s behavior, but that’s what it sounds like to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do find what your wife did as strange, and the lying is a concern, but she has appologised to you and the children, so maybe you can acceot that and try and move on.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm kind of the "trust but verify" camp and I feel the hiding the phone was the weird part. "Ooo can I see?" might have been a better question and then you guys could have looked at it together. If she felt attacked, she probably didn't respond very well to that by being defensive and taking it straight to divorce talk. That sounds a little emotionally exhausting. Does she do that every time you point out something she did that upset you? You're reasonable to feel weirded out that she hid it, but also don't think the hit and run way you approached confronting her about it helped the conflict. Understandable how upset you were. It's just that sometimes when we think we have handled our emotions, they can jump out and surprise us.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Skoal said:


> I have never posted on any board before, so please bear with me.
> 
> Late 40's and have been married to my wife for 18 years. We have 4 kids. By my estimation, we have a pretty fantastic life/marriage. I am looking for some unbiased feedback about a situation that recently occured. I will try my best to relay the situation with no spin.
> 
> ...


Wow. Talk about blowing things out of proportion! 

O.k. So, you find an old cell phone of yours. You leave it somewhere after you find it, and when you decide to look through it, it's gone. you mention the missing phone to your wife and she says she has no clue where it is. Days later, some things just happen to "fall off" of a dresser while you were near the dresser (did you have an earthquake recently? Just wondering how they "fell off" of the dresser). It's then that you found the cell phone, in a bag, behind the dresser. Is it possible that when the other things just "fell off" the dresser that the cell phone was one of those things that "fell off" _behind_ the dresser? 

Is it possible that one of your other kids saw the cell phone and hid it because they wanted it for themselves? Is it possible that your wife is 'covering' for _that_ kid? Is it possible that your wife is starting to show signs of dementia or just good old fashioned forgetfulness as we age? 

The point is, that when you found the cell phone, you immediately accused your wife (in your mind) of 18 years as deliberately taking the dead SIM card - challenged cell phone, deliberately stuffing it into a bag and deliberately hiding the bag behind the dresser. Then, you actually SET HER UP to see if she'd come clean. 

When you found the cell phone, you could have simply told her that you found it, and asked her about it then, without accusing her of anything. She _genuinely_ may have not remembered doing it.

Or even WHY.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Insecurities can also be triggered by projection of ones own behavior onto someone else.


I agree with this, she is likely projecting. She had genuine concern that you would find something she didn't want you to see on that phone.

If it was dead when you got it back and this process took as long as you describe, it could easily have been powered up and then died again.

Any chance you previously had the same type of phones and perhaps she thought that phone could actually be her old phone?

Maybe after you retired it, she used it as a burner?...lots of phones work on wifi even if there is no cell account....

This is very bizzarre behavior and there is something to it. Keep digging.


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## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

Vega said:


> Wow. Talk about blowing things out of proportion!
> 
> O.k. So, you find an old cell phone of yours. You leave it somewhere after you find it, and when you decide to look through it, it's gone. you mention the missing phone to your wife and she says she has no clue where it is. Days later, some things just happen to "fall off" of a dresser while you were near the dresser (did you have an earthquake recently? Just wondering how they "fell off" of the dresser). It's then that you found the cell phone, in a bag, behind the dresser. Is it possible that when the other things just "fell off" the dresser that the cell phone was one of those things that "fell off" _behind_ the dresser?
> 
> ...


If is never had anything "fall off the dresser" , then you probably put away your laundry far more than I do. I had asked twice about the phone before I found it. I was told she had no idea where it was. As I mentioned previously, I had no problem with her looking at the phone at all.

I never even questioned her taking the SIM card. That was transferred to a newer phone. The entire issue in my eyes started when I found the phone and she continued to deny having any idea where it was. Her commitment to the lie was troubling.

Could I have handled the situation differently the moment I found the phone? Sure. And that is why I am here asking the questions.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

I had something similar happen. I mentioned to my ex that alcohol was missing from the garage freezer. Told her I was going to talk to the kids. (Late teens). Did so with no admissions of guilt. Discussed with ex again before a second round of wtf with the kids. No one admitted anything. I had to shrug and move on.

Three or four years later, post divorce, I learned from a mutual friend that the ex had dumped out my good liquor. She knew all along and let me have uncomfortable conversations with my kids for no reason!

Her issues were in line with diagnosed BPD. Yours may be a completely different thing but still odd.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So how about this. Sit with your wife and TALK with her -- don't accuse, don't stomp away.
Admit you DID sort of set her up -- you knew about the phone in the dresser, etc. and wanted to see what she would do.
NOW you know, apologize for setting her up, but ask her to HONESTLY address why she thought it was OK to lie, and WHY she took it in the first place. Tell her you want it all hashed out so that you both can move on with your lives together.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Idyit said:


> I learned from a mutual friend that the ex had dumped out my good liquor.


Perhaps she had what she felt were good reasons for doing so.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Trident said:


> Perhaps she had what she felt were good reasons for doing so.


Anticipated a response something like this. No. No alcoholic issues, rage, abuse or any such thing.

Just a similarly weird circumstance as the OP.


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## Skoal (Jan 5, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So how about this. Sit with your wife and TALK with her -- don't accuse, don't stomp away.
> Admit you DID sort of set her up -- you knew about the phone in the dresser, etc. and wanted to see what she would do.
> NOW you know, apologize for setting her up, but ask her to HONESTLY address why she thought it was OK to lie, and WHY she took it in the first place. Tell her you want it all hashed out so that you both can move on with your lives together.


This happened today, unplanned, but when she called and asked how we get past this I answered (verbatum), " it would help a lot to know why you took the phone. You can think about it and get back to me later, but I am interested to know why". Consistent, I don't know from her. I pointed out it was silly to do and lie about if there was no reason and asked her to give it some thought.
She has never given any reason to not trust her in the past and I am inclined to not make a federal case of this, but be aware in the future.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

so, did she get back to you? What was her reaction?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> This was a really hugely played out lie, though, including theatrics (a "play" scene including _the kids_ directed by his wife).
> 
> I took OP should keep in mind how forcefully his wife can lie.
> 
> This post makes it seem like she's the victim. Not.


I guess if you're overly concerned with the concept of victim and perpetrator it does, but at the end of the day it's really about what makes his marriage better and what makes it worse.

It seems by pressing the issue he hasn't gained anything important, his relationship isn't running any smoother, he and his wife aren't any happier. What's the point really? He already figured out she's capable of lying without the confrontation. So if he's not going to divorce her over it then he might as well just let her think she's spanish. While being quietly aware of what she's capable of, like I said before.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Maybe she did it as a prank. I had a friend whose husband would hide things on her just to watch her search for them.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe she did it as a prank. I had a friend whose husband would hide things on her just to watch her search for them.


I wouldn't consider that a 'prank'.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Yeah that's just cruel.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe she did it as a prank. I had a friend whose husband would hide things on her just to watch her search for them.


Crazy


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I think the only people who like pranks are the ones pulling them.


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