# Nearing a year....



## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Starting to get that "just split" feeling again. 

She's got the D papers and is filling them out. I've given up all thoughts of a R, but that isn't making this any easier.

Just when I thought I was good to go, just when I felt that I could make it...

Anybody else in this spot? How did you get through it? What was once rosy now looks bleak.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sorry SH without knowing your back ground, and seeing your post count, this isn't something that has snuck up on you.

I'm sorry your marriage is ending.

Hopefully you have a good support group or family close by that will help during the transition. Hopefully you've been working on some outlets, hobbies, yourself. Time can be both a positive and a negative. Use that time wisely.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He's not sorry the marriage is over.

He's mourning his delusion.

It was in her to make it happen. She chose not to.

Of course it hurts.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Conrad's on the mark. I put everything I had into our marriage, AND fought like a cornered fox during the separation.

When I found out what I did about her, most feelings went right out the window. 

Still doesn't make the hurt go away. The betrayal is worse than the separation, I think. 

I know I'll be fine, I have somebody interested in me, which is great. I'm trying to keep the STBX out of my mind. But with the D rolling around the corner, it's hard to.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Here it comes....that feeling like my chest just caved in....dammit.

DAMMIT.

Why now. Of ALL F*CKING TIMES, why now.


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## zappy882000. (May 23, 2013)

SH - I get the same feeling inch by inch that you are experiencing.

Its been almost an year, wife has the D papers and the feeling is just the same.

I don't even know what is going on with my Divorce but I ask God for salvation of my marriage.

Hopefully you will get through this predicament.

Zappy


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I think the big man upstairs just threw me a bone. 

This day suddenly got better after linking up with the girl I had a crush on since 2nd grade, finding out she felt the same, finding out she has feelings for me now, and now we're going out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SkyHigh said:


> I think the big man upstairs just threw me a bone.
> 
> This day suddenly got better after linking up with the girl I had a crush on since 2nd grade, finding out she felt the same, finding out she has feelings for me now, and now we're going out.


Damn... all that without lumber.

Sounds like a graduation ceremony is in order to me.

Have fun!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Life works in weird ways. I still can't make heads or tails of today.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

SkyHigh said:


> I think the big man upstairs just threw me a bone.
> 
> This day suddenly got better after linking up with the girl I had a crush on since 2nd grade, finding out she felt the same, finding out she has feelings for me now, and now we're going out.


Dont do it. You're not ready you're just lonely and confused right now.

You'll regret it and it won't end well.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

If your gonna follow up on this old friendship, make sure its as friends for now. It can become something later....hopefully not too soon, as your easily gonna be looking past faults/issues that you normally wouldn't be willing to concede to.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Dont do it. You're not ready you're just lonely and confused right now.
> 
> You'll regret it and it won't end well.


I respectfully disagree.

If he stays @50k, he's golden.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I respectfully disagree.
> 
> If he stays @50k, he's golden.


That's the plan. I've gotten rather proficient at staying at this height lately.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

1.5 years out and that feeling you describe still manages to sneak itself in there.

All it takes today is one call for an automatic hookup with a choice between three separated women. I sent a text message to one of them last night. She invited me to drive over today and share her bed.....but yet I choose to stay home.

Let the divorce papers go through first, then go get yourself a new girl.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

For what it's worth, she had no problems sleeping with somebody 4 months after we split. 

I can't sit around forever. I'm tired of moping about the D, and I'm tired of having her on my mind. It's about time I moved on.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry Sky I don't know your story, but are/were you trying to reconcile with her over the last year?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I was for quite a few months.

The notion of an R was thrown out the window after her behavior.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Hey Skyhigh, sorry to hear you are having feelings of turmoil. Really, I think it's only natural. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will end. Trust me, I was married for sixteen years, I still find myself shell shocked! And now that it is coming up time for us to make decisions about the house and belongings it is bringing up some anger in me that I didn't expect. I thought I was through with all of that.

I'm glad you are in a place where you want to put yourself out there again, but I ask you to please be cautious. You are in a place of pain right now, and so is she apparently. Often, two people in pain cannot truly find joy, they just have someone to commiserate with them. And negativity breeds negativity, and you know you should avoid that. What I'm saying is go out, have a good time, but don't talk about your exes. Talk about growing up, and laugh at old stories that seem ridiculous now that you are adults. Lots of laughing. Best medicine in the world. But don't go into it thinking of it as a rescue from your pain. Think of it as a way of stepping away. Just please be cautious. The worst thing right now would be for you to put too much stake on this. Now, with all that preaching, I wish you good luck!!


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Ugh. Twelve days until it's filing time. I feel sick. 

I'm actually finding that the less I care, the angrier I get. I've even let that anger spill out onto here.

I feel so unbelievably jilted. 

In order to stave this off, I've been sliding back into my Parkour(free-running) regimen. I have a nice picture on my Instagram from a rather high ledge. Today's session was like every other, just pick up speed and get over, under, and around obstacles efficiently. 

Somewhere along the way, I happened across the strip mall with a rather high roof. Took it upon myself to get up there, hopped a few roofs, and got to the highest point.

I was going to take a picture from there as proof of my triumph until I paused, and that thought hit me....

_This would be high enough to kill me if I landed just right...._

No picture. Slowly backed away from the edge and headed home. I'm now sitting in my room on my bed, and my mind keeps racing back to that moment. 

Usually roofs and high structures are an andrenaline rush for me(since PK is the ONLY time my phobia of heights doesn't kick in), but after this moment, I'm pretty scared. It's been a LONG time since I've had any suicidal ideation.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hey brother,

Truly sorry you are struggling.

How are the meds? You taking them?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

The meds feel strange. I'm on Wellbutrin, CeleXA, and Lamictal.

I have my good days and my bads, but today was definitely a bad.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Funny thing is, I'm the same, more angry now I've filed. It's final act the final stab in the heart. You wonder about R and then suddenly you wake up and see it's not going to happen, so you file.

It's akin to watching a car crash- you're powerless to stop it and you know it's going to hurt the people involved but on this occasion although you're at 50,000ft you know you're in that car.

Hopefully it'll get better skyhigh.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Which would you rather have, being separated and in limbo or divorce and finality? I know both suck, but at least with the latter, you definitely know that your old life is over and its time to start anew.

Knowing that its truly over will make you heal quicker. Yes it kills now but you'll get over it. But you're in shape and you already attract the attention of other women. It won't be that bad.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I know that it's truly over. I've resigned myself to this fact months ago. 

I guess I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way. I've even gone so far as to hate her guts for awhile in the hopes that I would get used to it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sky,

Nobody likes to fail.

Natural emotion.

The real losers are the ones that don't learn.

(like Kate)


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Broke down crying, today. I have no reminders of her, but my thoughts won't stop.

I miss my cats. I miss my rabbit. I miss my job. I miss our apartment. I miss long walks around our city. 

I don't know how much longer I'm going to last....


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