# Doubting it will get better....backsliding!!



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I havent posted on here for a long time. I do read the threads especially when I start to lose my way. Long story short. Married seventeen years, he wanted out, didnt want to work on it. I filed. Divorced a year in april. He was having an affair or at least an emotional one. So heres my question?? Oh my Lord, how long does this freakin grieving process have to go on?? I am not stagnant. Very involved in church. House situation has stayed the same for the kids. Work hard. Stayed friendly with him and parents...ect...ect...yet everytime I see him I feel like I have been punched in the gut and that I am just this poor homely woman that he settled for all these years. Ugggh. Im just wondering, when they leave you why is it so darn hard to claw your way out. I mean really. Doesnt anybody just get so tired of the waiting? Waiting until you can be around your x without it taking you back to square one??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I totally hear you! Im the the same boat only married 8 yrs and recently divorce was final a month ago....He lives in Boulder CO and Me in Denver CO so i get real nervous about even hanging out in that town even though I love it becaus e he lives right in downtown. He officially has another girlfriend and it just kills me to know that and I am nervous if i ever ran into him i would break down.... I too wonder when that feeling will go away... is it when I find someone else, or will it go away on its own? Im just not sure either and just want it to stop!!!


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I know it really sucks, but hang in there ladies. One day you will all of a sudden notice, “Hey, I am truly starting to get over what he did to me.” You almost forive them, but not entirely. You kind of even pity them a little. Even after three years, there are still moments where I can feel a thorn in my paw. I reassure myself a number of times that he is an idiot or at least in my own head he is, then I forget him and go about doing whatever it is I want to do. The beauty in that is, I’m no longer married to him and it’s about what I want for a change. From where to put the furniture to what I’m cooking for dinner. Heck, if my son isn’t with me that evening, I may not even cook dinner.

I do not intend to be alone for the rest of my life, but looking at the pros of being single has helped me to be ok with it.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thankyou both for your posts. I guess sometimes it just feels good to know other people understand. I think you just wear your family and friends out at some point and they are just thinking get over it. Easy to say when you havent been left. I hope things get better for you Shelly. Funny cause thats where my x is moving is to colorado. I bet when and if he does run into you he will regret even if its years later. Three years is a long time toto. So are yall dating yet and do you think that would help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It might help if you quit trying to be friendly to him. Aim for business-like, nothing more. It's good for the kids that you aren't hateful to him, but you have every right to want to limit contact with him. If it will help, arrange to exchange the kids somewhere you don't have to see him. Ask him to email if he has questions about the kids or anything related to the settlement (better yet, on the settlement, refer him to your lawyer). Put more distance between the two of you.

And of course you are better than you give yourself credit for! The fact that the two of you didn't work out as a couple says NOTHING about your worth as a person! Quit giving him the power to determine your self-worth, and you'll start feeling better. Fake it until you make it on this one; it works--because it is about YOU. I don't think it works when another person is involved, but I know from experience that if you treat yourself well and have lots of positive self-talk in your head, you'll start to feel that you deserve better--and you do! Good luck!


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

noideato20 ~

I have “dated” just a little. It’s not due to lack of invitations either (not trying to sound conceited). I am very selective because of my son. With being a single mom, both of our safety and security is my primary focus. I also tend to close off and make myself unapproachable to men whom I do not know while my son is with me. It’s more of an unconscious, self-defense behavior than intentional one. I felt slightly bad last week when it later dawned on me how this guy had made the efforts to speak with me while I was finishing up a task at a baseball function for my son and I blew him off. If memory serves me correctly, he was kinda good looking too. Oh well!

The dating did help a little because at times I found myself laughing in ways I hadn’t in a long time. Depending on whom and even when those first dates are, they can be pretty comical. My very first post-divorce date was with a gentleman whom I was his very first post-divorce date since his rather lengthy marriage had ended. We laughed so hard at times about how green we both were to the dating scene. 

It helps to be honest that you are mostly just looking to have a few laughs and share in a man’s company for the evening, afternoon or whatever. Be forward that you are once again new and green to the whole dating scene. With a different guy than I mentioned above, it took me until the third date to realize he was trying to get out of the driver’s side of the vehicle and around to the passenger’s side to open it for me. I was long exiting my way out of his car as he would hurry around. I have had guys open the door for me when getting into the car, but I was naive to concept of having it opened while I was getting out. LOL! I would also open every door for myself before ever giving him a chance to reach for the door or even say, "Here, let me get that." At the end of the 3rd date it dawned on me what I had been doing. As we were saying our goodbyes that evening, I apologized for “cutting him off at the knees” while he was trying to be such a gentleman. We had a pretty good laugh about that one.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Wont have to worry about being friendly to him anymore after next weekend because he is moving. I ran across a comment made by a family member to him that said something to the effect of...wow I hope someday I can find the kind of happiness he found someday. I wanted to throw up because I thought yep if anybody deserves to find happiness its the guy that cheated on his wife and ran out on his family. This is the kind of bitterness I fight everyday and like I said its been over a year. As far as the dating thing goes I must seem pretty unapprochable and I can see why if any of these feelings on the inside come across on the outside which I am sure they do. So back to the drawing board I guess. It looks to me like the only thing that will help any of this is just more time and more water under the bridge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

