# Trying to cope...



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I just wanted to say that I am happy a site like this exist. The support you get from places like this is probably sometimes, for me at least, what makes the separation between myself and my hubby easier.

I haven't posted my story here - I try but too much to say, so have just been lurking, reading other people's experiences, sometimes it does help. I am separated, have been for 2 months. Have been trying to do the 180 for about 2 weeks, it is not easy when H and I live in the same house and he won't leave. Wish he did, would make things a lot easier. He finally, starting this week, started sleeping in a different room, he use to follow me to whatever room I slept in, even on the couch. I was relieved and sad when he finally moved into another room. Guess it's finally hitting me, it is ending. There went 13 yrs.

Today and yesterday have been especially hard for me. Not sure why. I am trying to stay busy. Do thinks that I like, classes that for one reason or another I never took, trying to take them. Just trying to fill up my schedule I guess. 

How is everyone else coping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Hang in there it will get better some day. That's what I keep telling myself. After 18 years though it's not easy especially with kids involved. Still I have to face it and I will.

I've been taking walks lately and trying to stay busy too when not working. I've also reached out to some close friends and that has been a huge help. The best of luck to you.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

I am in a similar boat. Married for 13 years also. STBXH is very close to moving out and I am dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time. 

Being around them is awful. A constant reminder of what was and never will be again.

How long before one of you moves out?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Thanks oviid. Best of luck to you. I can't imagine with kids. I have none. We were suppose to be moving in that direction in the past year. This makes me a little sad. Here I thought we were working on having a life, a family together, I guess not. 

Have you tried IC? I just began going to a counselor. It has helped immensely.

Good to hear about close friends helping. Most of my friends have been a disappointment, except for my best friend, she is my rock.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Just finished with a year of affair, separation, moving out, and divorce after 13 years. It does get easier, but you have to make an effort to live in the present and future and minimize your thinking of the past. It takes work..no doubt..Im not quite there..but getting there.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Good to hear about close friends helping. Most of my friends have been a disappointment, except for my best friend, she is my rock.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most dont know how emotionally painful it is. They dont want to get involved and think it was just a bad marriage to begin with. Almost all of my male friends are actually jealous.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Tell me about it Limbolady. I hate the reminder most of all.

On the moving out - We actually bought a house about 6 months ago. I don't want to sell it, although I have agreed to do that. He doesn't agree. I would move, but he can't afford the mortgage on his own. He says, and I have asked him to move, I can afford the house on my own, but as of right now, I don't see him making any plans. 

So much like your tag line, we are in limbo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Meetup.com is a great way to get out of the house too.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Most dont know how emotionally painful it is. They dont want to get involved and think it was just a bad marriage to begin with. Almost all of my male friends are actually jealous.


Hit the nail on the head. Most have provided the worst advice/support. Because of that I have decided not to speak of it to many. Very few, selective people. I also don't need additional people bringing me down. 

Why r ur male friends jealous?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Meetup.com is a great way to get out of the house too.


Thanks. I will look into this site tonight. A friend mentioned it, but I haven't had a chance to look at it.

I am busy all day Saturday, driving all day to pick up some furniture with a friend and I couldn't be happier. I was suppose to go to a b-day party for a mutual friend (more H's friend than mine). Now I don't have to worry about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Meetup.com is a great way to get out of the house too.


Thanks! I will look into this site tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Meetup.com is a great way to get out of the house too.


Thanks! Will look into this site tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 thanks for the link. Will look into it tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Just finished with a year of affair, separation, moving out, and divorce after 13 years. It does get easier, but you have to make an effort to live in the present and future and minimize your thinking of the past. It takes work..no doubt..Im not quite there..but getting there.


I guess I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I have hope. Sometimes I accept that this isn't ending well. It's a process. I try not to think about the past as much as I can. Sometimes that is all I can think about, the good and the bad in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Hit the nail on the head. Most have provided the worst advice/support. Because of that I have decided not to speak of it to many. Very few, selective people. I also don't need additional people bringing me down.
> 
> Why r ur male friends jealous?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I too have one best friend that has walked me through the last year...talking to me 3-4 times a day when i needed it. 

My male friends see it as a chance to get away from their "ball and chain", to have freedom. I didnt want the D btw...X had a MLC, so it was very hard on me. My X wanted to be a teeneger again.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> I guess I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I have hope. Sometimes I accept that this isn't ending well. It's a process. I try not to think about the past as much as I can. Sometimes that is all I can think about, the good and the bad in it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Progressively your bad days get fewer and less severe.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Tell me about it Limbolady. I hate the reminder most of all.
> 
> On the moving out - We actually bought a house about 6 months ago. I don't want to sell it, although I have agreed to do that. He doesn't agree. I would move, but he can't afford the mortgage on his own. He says, and I have asked him to move, I can afford the house on my own, but as of right now, I don't see him making any plans.
> 
> ...


Why doesn't he want to sell the house and/or move out?

My situation is complicated because there are kids involved. STBXH refuses to move out until we have a signed Legal Separation Agreement. Attorney seems to be taking forever getting it done. The waiting is agonizing.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Why doesn't he want to sell the house and/or move out?
> 
> My situation is complicated because there are kids involved. STBXH refuses to move out until we have a signed Legal Separation Agreement. Attorney seems to be taking forever getting it done. The waiting is agonizing.


I have kids too, and both my atty and hers told us to not move out. I had to live with her AND her mother (who demonized me to cover up for her daughters affair) for 4 months. Once the mediation was done, she moved out 30 days later.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I too have one best friend that has walked me through the last year...talking to me 3-4 times a day when i needed it.
> 
> My male friends see it as a chance to get away from their "ball and chain", to have freedom. I didnt want the D btw...X had a MLC, so it was very hard on me. My X wanted to be a teeneger again.


I tell my best friend when I talk her ear off that she is really documenting my life for when I hit it big, die tragically, and someone has to write my biography . Seriously I am glad I have her and that she is a part of my life.

I feel you. I don't want the separation either. He forced my hand. My H is not having a MLC, so much as he is making up for loss time. Was a hermit for most of his life. Is now trying to live it up. I so miss that hermit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Why doesn't he want to sell the house and/or move out?
> 
> My situation is complicated because there are kids involved. STBXH refuses to move out until we have a signed Legal Separation Agreement. Attorney seems to be taking forever getting it done. The waiting is agonizing.


Well as he tells it, he doesn't want to sell because of all the work I have out into the house. A bunch of BS if you ask me. If u care about me so much, why do you hurt me.

He doesn't want to move out, again as he tells it, because it's his house too, and because so he keeps telling me, even though I have told many times that is not the case, I need his help with the finances.

Bottom line, if you ask me, he is comfortable and he doesn't want to give that up. 

If he was really thinking about me, he would move out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I have kids too, and both my atty and hers told us to not move out. I had to live with her AND her mother (who demonized me to cover up for her daughters affair) for 4 months. Once the mediation was done, she moved out 30 days later.


My mother in law lives with us. She has been very supportive. Apparently when my husband is out partying she texts him asking him where he is and why he is not home with his wife being a responsible husband. I was unaware of this, until 3 nights ago when he told me. Thank god I was facing away from him, so he couldn't see the giant smirk on my face.

One of the times that I asked him to move out and he threw in his mother as the excuse he couldn't move. She told him, she was going to stay and help me, I have no problem with that, and that in fact, if he wanted to move, she would give him her bed to save him some money. She said she didn't want to be used as an excuse for why he couldn't leave. He still did not leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

It must be hard to be in a home with someone who is acting irresponsibly like that. You want them to leave but a part of you wants them to stay. In my situation I am still in the home though I will leave just not sure when. Everything here is new in that we decided to divorce less than a week ago. I am glad to be here now because of the kids. The day when I have to leave them will be so hard I know.

Someone mentioned meetup.com and I agree that's a good idea. I joined a couple days ago and found a support group for people who are dealing with this type of thing. I don't know when I will attend a get together but I will and it's nice to know that option is available. 

Keep posting here as much as you want and think about starting a journal. I type in my blog daily several times a day. Just doing that help me with my thoughts.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

oviid said:


> It must be hard to be in a home with someone who is acting irresponsibly like that. You want them to leave but a part of you wants them to stay. In my situation I am still in the home though I will leave just not sure when. Everything here is new in that we decided to divorce less than a week ago. I am glad to be here now because of the kids. The day when I have to leave them will be so hard I know.
> 
> Someone mentioned meetup.com and I agree that's a good idea. I joined a couple days ago and found a support group for people who are dealing with this type of thing. I don't know when I will attend a get together but I will and it's nice to know that option is available.
> 
> Keep posting here as much as you want and think about starting a journal. I type in my blog daily several times a day. Just doing that help me with my thoughts.


Thanks! Somedays it is very hard. Somedays it is okay. For the most part it has created a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I try to avoid him as much as possible, so I stay out late, either work late, go see a movie, take a class. Anything. He usually comes around to talk when I am in the kitchen cooking or in the living room reading or he sends me a message sometimes with a link to something funny. I am trying to be polite, I don't want any problems. I just think that if he wants to move on that he should move on.

I don't know. The whole thing is very difficult and confusing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks! Somedays it is very hard. Somedays it is okay. For the most part it has created a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I try to avoid him as much as possible, so I stay out late, either work late, go see a movie, take a class. Anything. He usually comes around to talk when I am in the kitchen cooking or in the living room reading or he sends me a message sometimes with a link to something funny. I am trying to be polite, I don't want any problems. I just think that if he wants to move on that he should move on.
> 
> I don't know. The whole thing is very difficult and confusing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah it is. I did the same...went out, stayed out, watched TV in differnent rooms. It stinks..no way around that. But you will get through...and it does get better...ESPECIALLY when they move out.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I have kids too, and both my atty and hers told us to not move out. I had to live with her AND her mother (who demonized me to cover up for her daughters affair) for 4 months. Once the mediation was done, she moved out 30 days later.


I feel like it will be easier once he's gone but I can't imagine how lonely the house is going to be when the kids aren't with me.

How many kids do you have? What is your custody arrangement?


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Well as he tells it, he doesn't want to sell because of all the work I have out into the house. A bunch of BS if you ask me. If u care about me so much, why do you hurt me.
> 
> He doesn't want to move out, again as he tells it, because it's his house too, and because so he keeps telling me, even though I have told many times that is not the case, I need his help with the finances.
> 
> ...


Well that's the thing isn't it? They are NOT thinking about us!!!! They are thinking only of themselves.

My STBXH is only thinking of what is good for him. Certainly not what is good for me and definitely not what is good for our boy's.

Isn't it crazy to think how someone you have spent a lifetime with can turn on you in a second? It makes me sick.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I am trying not to be a glass half-empty type of person, but sometimes...(long sigh). I sense this will be a long weekend.

Last night was a good night. I went to a happy hour some of my coworkers organized. Talked to some new and old coworkers. Had fun.

Got in late. Took a shower and when was headed for bed H came up to the room wanting to talk. He does this often. Why? I don't know and I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about the whys of his actions.

He wanted to talk about our problems. The future. So I talked to him about it. We proceeded to I guess argue or more like tell the truth, which was hurtful to both of us. After a while we were tired and both decided to just go to sleep, in our separate rooms. During the conversation he told me he still cares but the problems have overwhelmed him and he just got tired of fighting for our relationship. I thought about this, after he left. When I woke up I decided to send him a message, asking him if when he had time, perhaps today or Sunday (both busy on Saturday), we could meet up for some biking, talking. I think a part of him wants things to work out (I obviously do). I just think we are so upset and hurt that we don't know where to start.

So, seeing as how I am in therapy, I thought the best way to try and communicate again, is to set aside some time where we talk. We each get to bring up one negative thing about the person that has been done in the relationship, how it could be avoided in the future, etc; followed by something you like about the person.

In any case, he hasn't responded to my message, making me wonder if I made a mistake in reaching out after he reached out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

KS ~

As long as he is willing to communicate, go for it. 

VH


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I keep telling myself stop thinking about it. He reached out, you reached out after, if he doesn't respond to you reaching out it's on him. Man is it hard to get that to sink in.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I feel like it will be easier once he's gone but I can't imagine how lonely the house is going to be when the kids aren't with me.
> 
> How many kids do you have? What is your custody arrangement?


We have 3 kids 12, 9 and 5. We are joint with 50/50 custody. The house is awful when im alone. So I stay out often. Work out, happy hours, volleyball.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I keep telling myself stop thinking about it. He reached out, you reached out after, if he doesn't respond to you reaching out it's on him. Man is it hard to get that to sink in.


Did he ever end up responding? 

I hope you are doing ok. Hang in there.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> We have 3 kids 12, 9 and 5. We are joint with 50/50 custody. The house is awful when im alone. So I stay out often. Work out, happy hours, volleyball.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, that my biggest fear. What the house is going to be like alone. Trying to wrap my head around it but since it hasn't happened yet, it's hard to fathom.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Did he ever end up responding?
> 
> I hope you are doing ok. Hang in there.


No he didn't respond so I left it alone.

I left the house early on Saturday to pick up a cabinet with a friend. We drove 7 hours and it was great (I am thankful for good friends).

While in the town where we picked up the cabinet, I met a guy, and boldly gave him my number. It feels nice to crush on somebody. Have talked to him for a bit. I don't think it goes anywhere, but it's a nice distraction at times. 

The hubby texted on Saturday when I was not home, apparently he was there most of the day with just the dog, but I was too annoyed to respond. He came to my room on Sunday and we spoke for 3 hours. He sounds all over the place. I try not to think about where he is much. Just trying to focus on myself.

Today is a drag for me. Very down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> We have 3 kids 12, 9 and 5. We are joint with 50/50 custody. The house is awful when im alone. So I stay out often. Work out, happy hours, volleyball.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's great that you've been able to fill the empty space. I am working on that myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Yeah, that my biggest fear. What the house is going to be like alone. Trying to wrap my head around it but since it hasn't happened yet, it's hard to fathom.


How do you cope with him being in the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> How do you cope with him being in the house?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The house, while sometimes too quiet, is MUCH MUCH better than with two people in it who are plotting against the evil man. It was difficult for the first couple of months...i am far more used to it now and it doesnt bother me as much.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> The house, while sometimes too quiet, is MUCH MUCH better than with two people in it who are plotting against the evil man. It was difficult for the first couple of months...i am far more used to it now and it doesnt bother me as much.


I wish he wasn't here. Would be nice to have some peace. I've accepted that he will be here for a while, which is why I try not to be there as much as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

For lack of a better word, I fell off the wagon yesterday. Had some physical contact with my H. Not sure how I fell about it. I guess I fell every which way about it. Back to day 1.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> How do you cope with him being in the house?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is very hard. We are still playing happy family in front of the kids which is exhausting. We eat dinner together every night. Do homework with the kids. Sometimes talk about the separation agreement if their not around. Discuss who is getting what furniture in the house.

Then he goes to his room and I go to mine.

He is very unemotional about all of this or at least acts like he is. I try very hard to do the same but sometimes it is very difficult.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> For lack of a better word, I fell off the wagon yesterday. Had some physical contact with my H. Not sure how I fell about it. I guess I fell every which way about it. Back to day 1.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep been there, done that and got the t-shirt.

I can say for me, whenever that happens, I feel horrible the next day!!!!! I beat myself up for basically being used and allowing myself to be used because I miss the closeness with him.

It is all too easy to allow this to happen and I will tell you right now, if it is really over like it is with us, no good will come from doing that.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> The house, while sometimes too quiet, is MUCH MUCH better than with two people in it who are plotting against the evil man. It was difficult for the first couple of months...i am far more used to it now and it doesnt bother me as much.


Well that gives me some hope. I am already planning on things I will do on my weeks without the kids but still have trouble truly comprehending it.

I guess time will tell pretty soon.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I cant say I fell into any traps with X. When I filed because she had a BF and refused to work on US, she went 100 mph in the opposite direction. 

Have hope! Believe me, I am VERY involved with my kids...far more than she ever was...and still am. While i cook them home cooked meals and play with them (when i have them), she isnt home due to work or social events or her new bf. BUT, I have been working on a life too..and the less you sit around pining for what you have, the better. I enjoy my alone time now, though I LOVE when my kids are with me too. Get out....try to remember the "before kids" you....it comes back...just takes a bit.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Yep been there, done that and got the t-shirt.
> 
> I can say for me, whenever that happens, I feel horrible the next day!!!!! I beat myself up for basically being used and allowing myself to be used because I miss the closeness with him.
> 
> It is all too easy to allow this to happen and I will tell you right now, if it is really over like it is with us, no good will come from doing that.


I feel partly like you state above, but partly not. Weird. It might not have hit me yet. Not sure.

I am not sure if it's over or not. I just try not to think about it.

This is all complicated by the fact that I am going on date, for the first time in 13 years. The guy seems nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I feel partly like you state above, but partly not. Weird. It might not have hit me yet. Not sure.
> 
> I am not sure if it's over or not. I just try not to think about it.
> 
> ...


Wow a date???? Are you ready for a date??

How did it go???


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Wow a date???? Are you ready for a date??
> 
> How did it go???


I don't know if I am ready. I feel pretty okay. A little nervous about this date, but otherwise okay. What I do know for sure is that this is the first guy who, when he flirted with me, I actually liked it. In 13 years, not once was I into any other guy but my H. It's nice to know I guess, that I might feel something for someone again one day, if things do indeed end between my H and I.

The date is this weekend. I guess I hope it goes well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Have a lot of anxiety today. Barely slept last night. Thinking about everything. My H, marriage, divorce, life, this date (I can't seem to shut my mind down and not think about it. Instead, I have conjured up every which way this is going to go). Does anyone know how to stop over analyzing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Have a lot of anxiety today. Barely slept last night. Thinking about everything. My H, marriage, divorce, life, this date (I can't seem to shut my mind down and not think about it. Instead, I have conjured up every which way this is going to go). Does anyone know how to stop over analyzing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you figure it out, please let me know .

Seriously though, you gave me some advice earlier in my thread along the lines of "go do something for yourself" - do just that.

Do things that you enjoy. Be completely selfish for a while. Spoil yourself, treat yourself. Think of something you liked doing that your H didn't like - and do that. I find this pseudo-rebellion to help hugely.

Example, when I met my wife I was a heavy smoker, she didn't like me smoking, so I quit for her, however occasionally when I drink I'd quite like a cigarette, at the weekend I went out and I wanted a cigarette after a few beers. I started thinking "Oh, I can't do that, I'll upset my wi...... HANG ON A MINUTE! I can do that, because I answer to nobody." So I bought a packet of cigarettes, and I really enjoyed them .

Go have a good time on your date, it's just a date - it doesn't have to lead anywhere you don't want it to or you aren't comfortable with yet. Let your hair down .


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> If you figure it out, please let me know .
> 
> Seriously though, you gave me some advice earlier in my thread along the lines of "go do something for yourself" - do just that.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice WWB and the laugh. 

I guess I am just anxious. Haven't been on a date with anyone but my H in over 13 years, and it's obviously not the same when you know the person, like I did my H, we were friends before anything happened between us.

I am working on the pseudo rebellion. It's a slow process for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks for the advice WWB and the laugh.
> 
> I guess I am just anxious. Haven't been on a date with anyone but my H in over 13 years, and it's obviously not the same when you know the person, like I did my H, we were friends before anything happened between us.
> 
> ...


It's natural to be anxious - I haven't been on a "date" as such since my wife left, but I did spend last weekend with a woman, and we went out for dinner together and went out drinking. Whilst this wasn't labelled a "date" I don't really see it as being any different. I had a really good time though and we've agreed to hang out together again soon.

My wife was my best friend, and that's one of the hardest things about this. I haven't just lost my wife and my lover, I've lost my best friend. It's a massive change in life when that happens, but remember, change isn't good or bad, it just is. It's what you do with the change that determines the outcome.


----------



## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

oviid said:


> I've also reached out to some close friends and that has been a huge help.


if it wasn't for 2 close friends who took me in after d-day, i wouldn't be sane. 
friends :smthumbup: i hope everyone has them


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It's natural to be anxious - I haven't been on a "date" as such since my wife left, but I did spend last weekend with a woman, and we went out for dinner together and went out drinking. Whilst this wasn't labelled a "date" I don't really see it as being any different. I had a really good time though and we've agreed to hang out together again soon.
> 
> My wife was my best friend, and that's one of the hardest things about this. I haven't just lost my wife and my lover, I've lost my best friend. It's a massive change in life when that happens, but remember, change isn't good or bad, it just is. It's what you do with the change that determines the outcome.


I read about your lady friend on your post before. I was the one who wrote - Lean into it. The outcome doesn't matter. What matters is that you were there for it. - trying to follow my own advice.

My H was my best friend too. Well he was my best friend before we started dating, so there's that. I am sad and afraid for the emptiness I will feel when he is no longer around. As much as I think he needs to leave the house we share, I will miss him dearly when he does.

I think the best dates are the ones where it's just an informal hang out and not a formal date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

"joe" said:


> if it wasn't for 2 close friends who took me in after d-day, i wouldn't be sane.
> friends :smthumbup: i hope everyone has them


I second that 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Have a lot of anxiety today. Barely slept last night. Thinking about everything. My H, marriage, divorce, life, this date (I can't seem to shut my mind down and not think about it. Instead, I have conjured up every which way this is going to go). Does anyone know how to stop over analyzing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope. Wish I did. I am really ready to have something else to focus on. 

Is your date tonight or tomorrow night?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I read about your lady friend on your post before. I was the one who wrote - Lean into it. The outcome doesn't matter. What matters is that you were there for it. - trying to follow my own advice.
> 
> My H was my best friend too. Well he was my best friend before we started dating, so there's that. I am sad and afraid for the emptiness I will feel when he is no longer around. As much as I think he needs to leave the house we share, I will miss him dearly when he does.
> 
> ...


Yes you did write that  It's good advice!

As gut wrenching as it will be when your H leaves the house - that's also the point when things start to get better. I started to get better once I stopped seeing my STBXW on a daily basis. Time apart gives you time to reflect and detach.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Nope. Wish I did. I am really ready to have something else to focus on.
> 
> Is your date tonight or tomorrow night?


Tomorrow night. So far I have imagined every possible scenario I could think off, from the good, great, to the horrible. Keep telling my brain to shut down, but it's not cooperating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Yes you did write that  It's good advice!
> 
> As gut wrenching as it will be when your H leaves the house - that's also the point when things start to get better. I started to get better once I stopped seeing my STBXW on a daily basis. Time apart gives you time to reflect and detach.


Yeah. I am sure it does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Tomorrow night. So far I have imagined every possible scenario I could think off, from the good, great, to the horrible. Keep telling my brain to shut down, but it's not cooperating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whatever happens on your date, there will be a valuable lesson to learn about love, life and dating. So even it it's a catastrophe it will be worthwhile.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. Worrying and stressing over things beyond our control is wasted energy that could be better spent focusing on you!  (I'm such a hypocrite....)


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Whatever happens on your date, there will be a valuable lesson to learn about love, life and dating. So even it it's a catastrophe it will be worthwhile.
> 
> Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. Worrying and stressing over things beyond our control is wasted energy that could be better spent focusing on you!  (I'm such a hypocrite....)


OMG WWB, I love your last line. I spit out my drink I thought it was so funny.

Getting back to what you wrote - I hope there is a valuable lesson if nothing else.

In truth it's not the date. So far, he has made me feel comfortable and at ease, and I know that if it doesn't go well it will be fine. He'll I wasn't even expecting a date when I met him. It's all the hang ups I have that have nothing to do with him or the date, but with my H and the fact that he is still at home. Makes moving forward so much harder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> OMG WWB, I love your last line. I spit out my drink I thought it was so funny.
> 
> Getting back to what you wrote - I hope there is a valuable lesson if nothing else.
> 
> ...


Haha, sorry about that!

I understand what you mean - I'm kind of worried about the whole dating thing because of my feelings for my wife. In all honesty, if I went on an actual "date" with anyone right now, I'd probably feel like I was being unfaithful to my wife. Sad isn't it, considering she didn't have any issues meeting male "friends" for lunch/dinner etc. 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow night .


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Haha, sorry about that!
> 
> I understand what you mean - I'm kind of worried about the whole dating thing because of my feelings for my wife. In all honesty, if I went on an actual "date" with anyone right now, I'd probably feel like I was being unfaithful to my wife. Sad isn't it, considering she didn't have any issues meeting male "friends" for lunch/dinner etc.
> 
> I'll keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow night .


Thanks!

I don't know yet how I feel about it, and I don't know if that is good or bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

How did the date go????


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> How did the date go????


This.

Hope you're doing okay!


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> This.
> 
> Hope you're doing okay!


I hope she is ok!!!!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I hope she is ok!!!!


Maybe the date went REALLY well .


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Maybe the date went REALLY well .


Hello All, 

I'm sorry! I have been so busy these past few days that I haven't gotten a hold of a computer.

To update. The date wasn't. After all that trouble, all that trying to get me to come out and meet me, to get to know me better, he didn't show up. When I called he didn't pick up. I was very sad, hurt, and in a moment of weakness I texted my H. Nothing especial, just telling him I missed him and wish he was there with me. I didn't tell him where I was and what was going on, although he asked. He did give me one good piece of advice, try to turn things around no matter what you are and what you are doing.

I decided to go for a walk and stop feeling sorry for myself, and as I walked around aimlessly, a man came up to me and asked me if I was lost. We began a conversation. I told him what happened. He wanted to cheer me up, so he invited me out to a party that he was on his way to. I took a chance and went. Had a great time. Met a lot of cool people. He dropped me off. The next day we met up for breakfast. I got to know him better and I realized that I liked him and wanted to continue to talk to him. We kissed before we parted (just a peck) and we have been talking ever since. He knows my situation with my husband.

He lives 8 hours away (I guess it was a happy accident that I met him), which is a plus right now, don't want things to get crazy. So far I only think great things about him and every moment he has been in my life has been wonderful.

I will update with more later. I have to run. Just wanted to give a quick update on what happened.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I'm sorry! I have been so busy these past few days that I haven't gotten a hold of a computer.
> 
> ...


See, this is great - more proof that everything happens for a reason. If your date had showed up, you wouldn't have met Mr.Party Guy. You wouldn't have gone to that party, you wouldn't have met all those cool people.

Posts like this give me hope for my future, and remind me that there is a reason that my wife left me, I'm just waiting for it to become apparent.

I'm glad your date was a disaster. :rofl:


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> See, this is great - more proof that everything happens for a reason. If your date had showed up, you wouldn't have met Mr.Party Guy. You wouldn't have gone to that party, you wouldn't have met all those cool people.
> 
> Posts like this give me hope for my future, and remind me that there is a reason that my wife left me, I'm just waiting for it to become apparent.
> 
> I'm glad your date was a disaster. :rofl:


I know. It's crazy. I am not glad it was a disaster per say, but I am glad I ran into this man. Talking to him just comes so easy. I don't remember the last time I felt so comfortable around somebody. I don't have any walls up. I just exist around him.

As for my H, I decided, not that I had to, but I felt a sense of obligation, don't know why, to tell him that I met somebody. I told him the truth, we are just talking and I like him He has been acting quite odd lately. One moment he is nice to me, the next he wants to serve me with divorce papers. I still love him deeply, and I guess part of me wishes we could work things out, but I feel that there is an ever growing separation in our lives. I see more clearly every day what our problems are, and although a part of me wants to fix them, a part is exhausted from all the trying to fix it. Yesterday, he came to my room and was friendly, talked to me about wanting to be intimate, which I turned down, and the next minute he is talking about divorce. It was frustrating. I wonder some times if he ever really loved me or if he is just with me because he can't let go because we have been together and a part of each other's lives for so long. I cried a little after he left the room.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I know. It's crazy. I am not glad it was a disaster per say, but I am glad I ran into this man. Talking to him just comes so easy. I don't remember the last time I felt so comfortable around somebody. I don't have any walls up. I just exist around him.
> 
> As for my H, I decided, not that I had to, but I felt a sense of obligation, don't know why, to tell him that I met somebody. I told him the truth, we are just talking and I like him He has been acting quite odd lately. One moment he is nice to me, the next he wants to serve me with divorce papers. I still love him deeply, and I guess part of me wishes we could work things out, but I feel that there is an ever growing separation in our lives. I see more clearly every day what our problems are, and although a part of me wants to fix them, a part is exhausted from all the trying to fix it. Yesterday, he came to my room and was friendly, talked to me about wanting to be intimate, which I turned down, and the next minute he is talking about divorce. It was frustrating. I wonder some times if he ever really loved me or if he is just with me because he can't let go because we have been together and a part of each other's lives for so long. I cried a little after he left the room.


It sounds like to me that he's trying to keep you hanging on to him, now that you've told him you've met someone. 

I wonder if my STBXW ever really loved me, to put me through what she has, I doubt it.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It sounds like to me that he's trying to keep you hanging on to him, now that you've told him you've met someone.
> 
> I wonder if my STBXW ever really loved me, to put me through what she has, I doubt it.


Well he's been acting that way since before I met the party man we will call him. I caught on to this last week, and I became more detached. It offended me that after all these years he reduced me to his Plan B.

I think he loved me once. I just think at some point he stopped but didn't know how to move away from me. I think he still struggles with that today.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Well he's been acting that way since before I met the party man we will call him. I caught on to this last week, and I became more detached. It offended me that after all these years he reduced me to his Plan B.
> 
> I think he loved me once. I just think at some point he stopped but didn't know how to move away from me. I think he still struggles with that today.


Yeah, it's definitely a reaction to that. He doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you. My STBXW did the same as soon as she found out I was going to stay with a friend.

I don't think my STBXW ever loved me, not truly. If she knew what true love was, she wouldn't be doing this to me.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I wonder if my STBXW ever really loved me, to put me through what she has, I doubt it.


I am sure she loved you, I think sometimes, they just love themselves more and can only think about what they want without regards to the consequences of their actions.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

WantWifeBack said:


> It sounds like to me that he's trying to keep you hanging on to him, now that you've told him you've met someone.
> 
> I wonder if my STBXW ever really loved me, to put me through what she has, I doubt it.


Yeah i think its part of the process sometimes for the wayward to keep sucking the BS back to make sure they still have that power. 

Like you, and despite the letters and cards over the years, I really wonder if my X ever cared. She walked away with another man and never looked back, never waivered in her choice. All you can do is move on and find someone who deserves you.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah i think its part of the process sometimes for the wayward to keep sucking the BS back to make sure they still have that power.
> 
> Like you, and despite the letters and cards over the years, I really wonder if my X ever cared. She walked away with another man and never looked back, never waivered in her choice. All you can do is move on and find someone who deserves you.


I second that Garry


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah i think its part of the process sometimes for the wayward to keep sucking the BS back to make sure they still have that power.
> 
> Like you, and despite the letters and cards over the years, I really wonder if my X ever cared. She walked away with another man and never looked back, never waivered in her choice. All you can do is move on and find someone who deserves you.


This is truth.

I was tidying the house at the weekend and I found loads of the old sentimental things that we'd done for one another, birthday cards, valentine cards, love notes. I started re-reading them but made myself stop.

I don't know if my STBXW has OM or not, it makes no difference really though, she's gone either way and it's time to move on.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> This is truth.
> 
> I was tidying the house at the weekend and I found loads of the old sentimental things that we'd done for one another, birthday cards, valentine cards, love notes. I started re-reading them but made myself stop.
> 
> I don't know if my STBXW has OM or not, it makes no difference really though, she's gone either way and it's time to move on.


That's right WWB. All you can do is move forward. The past is the past. It cannot be changed. We cannot live in it. It has happened already. All we can do is move forward with our lives.

I too saw pictures of my H this weekend and I was a little sad thinking about the way we were.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Best thing i can do is look forward and stop looking back. 

Heck, in a six month time, my x went from telling me "if anything ever happend to you i would sell our house....too many happy memories here without you coming home everyday" to "you dont love me and I dont love you." I removed all the pics off my phone, all family pics, and anything she bought me. I dont even look at her and havent in months. Just my way of reducing her memory to me...why relive it? its over and i would NEVER allow her back.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Best thing i can do is look forward and stop looking back.
> 
> Heck, in a six month time, my x went from telling me "if anything ever happend to you i would sell our house....too many happy memories here without you coming home everyday" to "you dont love me and I dont love you." I removed all the pics off my phone, all family pics, and anything she bought me. I dont even look at her and havent in months. Just my way of reducing her memory to me...why relive it? its over and i would NEVER allow her back.


I am glad you are moving forward Garry. It's better to leave the past where it belongs I say, back there and move forward.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> That's right WWB. All you can do is move forward. The past is the past. It cannot be changed. We cannot live in it. It has happened already. All we can do is move forward with our lives.
> 
> I too saw pictures of my H this weekend and I was a little sad thinking about the way we were.


I keep finding things about the house that remind me of her, I need to clear everything out but I don't feel ready yet. I'm not sure why, I know she isn't coming back, so why not just get rid of it all? Maybe removing all reminders of her is the ultimate form of letting go, and I'm not ready to let my memories go.



> Best thing i can do is look forward and stop looking back.


Yeah - I need to do this, whether it's looking back with sadness, anger, or resentment, it needs to stop.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I keep finding things about the house that remind me of her, I need to clear everything out but I don't feel ready yet. I'm not sure why, I know she isn't coming back, so why not just get rid of it all? Maybe removing all reminders of her is the ultimate form of letting go, and I'm not ready to let my memories go.
> 
> Yeah - I need to do this, whether it's looking back with sadness, anger, or resentment, it needs to stop.


Well why don't you put everything in boxes and somewhere where you know you wont look, a closet you never look into, if you are not ready yet to part with her items?

You don't have to forget her, you might just want to make an effort to move forward.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Today I am feeling quite guilty and sad. Had nightmares, and woke up early. 

I am sad because I am slowly realizing that my marriage is ending. My H and I can't even string sentences together. I tried saying hi yesterday and he wouldn't even look at me.

I am feeling guilty that I met someone. I feel guilty for liking this new person.

It would all be so much easier if H was not still in the same house with me.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Everything in a box is a good step...not gone but not a reminder either. Redecorate too helps...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Everything in a box is a good step...not gone but not a reminder either. Redecorate too helps...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with Gary. Redecorate. I am working on that myself. I try real hard not to look at pictures of us together, when we were happy, they make me real sad and long for what I have lost.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Today I am feeling quite guilty and sad. Had nightmares, and woke up early.
> 
> I am sad because I am slowly realizing that my marriage is ending. My H and I can't even string sentences together. I tried saying hi yesterday and he wouldn't even look at me.
> 
> ...


As difficult as it is, try not to feel guilty - you haven't got a reason to.

The fact that you've met someone else should make you feel good - it's proof that even though your H doesn't want to be with you, that other guys do.

When is your H moving?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> As difficult as it is, try not to feel guilty - you haven't got a reason to.
> 
> The fact that you've met someone else should make you feel good - it's proof that even though your H doesn't want to be with you, that other guys do.
> 
> When is your H moving?


I know I don't have a reason to, but I can't help it. 

I've met quite a few guys actually, although people have told me this before, that I was a catch or something, I never really realized or thought anyone would be interested in me. I surely did not think that I would meet someone I connected with so quickly, like I have with the party guy.

I have no idea when he plans to move. If it was up to me he would have moved the day we separated, but he is adamant he is not going anywhere and I can't force him to move (house is in both of our names). At some point he will bring it up and actually start making plans to move. I am his plan B though, so he isn't going to just leave quietly.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I know I don't have a reason to, but I can't help it.
> 
> I've met quite a few guys actually, although people have told me this before, that I was a catch or something, I never really realized or thought anyone would be interested in me. I surely did not think that I would meet someone I connected with so quickly, like I have with the party guy.
> 
> I have no idea when he plans to move. If it was up to me he would have moved the day we separated, but he is adamant he is not going anywhere and I can't force him to move (house is in both of our names). At some point he will bring it up and actually start making plans to move. I am his plan B though, so he isn't going to just leave quietly.


Yeah, I've been told the same, and I never believed it, but part of my problem is I never believed in myself at all. In the 6 weeks and two days since my wife left, I've spent a weekend with a woman, and have had 3 others contact me on facebook randomly. One of which I talk to quite often still, and she has hinted at going for a drink or going for dinner... I'm not so sure though.

The connection with the party guy - I'm happy for you, but just be wary that it isn't a rebound thing, it will mess things up considerably more.

People like their plan Bs, I was one for a little while until I removed that option, I guess you can't completely do that until he leaves though .


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Yeah, I've been told the same, and I never believed it, but part of my problem is I never believed in myself at all. In the 6 weeks and two days since my wife left, I've spent a weekend with a woman, and have had 3 others contact me on facebook randomly. One of which I talk to quite often still, and she has hinted at going for a drink or going for dinner... I'm not so sure though.
> 
> The connection with the party guy - I'm happy for you, but just be wary that it isn't a rebound thing, it will mess things up considerably more.
> 
> People like their plan Bs, I was one for a little while until I removed that option, I guess you can't completely do that until he leaves though .


You should go for it. Like you told me about my date that didn't happen, it's just a date, well this is just dinner. It doesn't have to go anywhere that you don't want it to go.

Yeah I am weary. We are taking it really, really slow. The distance (being 8 hours away) helps, a lot. He says this is the way people use to date back in the day. You know, get to know each other, before they complicated everything with sex. I have shared more with this man, in the little bit of time that I have known him, than I think I have shared with anyone. 

I went to dinner with my H the other night, he wanted to talk, we didn't really talk about anything, and all I kept thinking was, what happened to us. It made me very sad.

Yup. I can't completely do that. I can only remove him from my life so much. In the interest of being civil, I have to interact with him, but everyday that we interact, it's obvious that we are in different places.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> You should go for it. Like you told me about my date that didn't happen, it's just a date, well this is just dinner. It doesn't have to go anywhere that you don't want it to go.
> 
> Yeah I am weary. We are taking it really, really slow. The distance (being 8 hours away) helps, a lot. He says this is the way people use to date back in the day. You know, get to know each other, before they complicated everything with sex. I have shared more with this man, in the little bit of time that I have known him, than I think I have shared with anyone.
> 
> ...


Maybe I will, I don't know, I guess it can't hurt though right? I'm 100% not interested in pursuing a relationship with this woman though, and I feel it may be unfair to give her any reason to think otherwise.

I'm glad you're being weary - the last thing you need is more hurt or guilt. Taking it slow is good  and I'm sure the distance helps a lot. I have a female friend that lives just under 4 hours away, but I'm uncertain if there is anything between us.

I felt like that after I met my W for coffee a couple of weeks ago. It was a very sad afternoon. When I think about how we used to be, I don't cry anymore though. I used to cry uncontrollably, even at work.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Today I am feeling quite guilty and sad. Had nightmares, and woke up early.
> 
> I am sad because I am slowly realizing that my marriage is ending. My H and I can't even string sentences together. I tried saying hi yesterday and he wouldn't even look at me.
> 
> ...


I think it will be better once you are not living in the same house. Having done that for months (as you already know) it sucks!!!!

Of course, I think the reality will really hit once he moves out. Not only that but for me, not having my kids every day.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

reality does kick in, and its tough for a while. Stay busy and try to remember what you did when you were single with no kids. 

I dont know about you all, but it seemed like whenever i tried to engage/fix/discuss the path to divorce, my X took it as groveling for something that was over....so I stopped engaging.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

It is very hard to remember what I did when I was single with no kids. A lot of it was out partying with friends. I don't think I will be doing that much at this stage of my life.

Yeah, I realize now that I spent far too much time trying to discuss the marriage with him and trying to get him to see how wrong it was to break up our marriage. At the end of the day, when they are done, they are done and there is nothing to do about it except pick yourself up and show some dignity.

We only have to wait until the end of April until we file for divorce. 6 months. It should be interesting to see what life is like six months from now.....


----------



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> It is very hard to remember what I did when I was single with no kids. A lot of it was out partying with friends. I don't think I will be doing that much at this stage of my life.
> 
> Yeah, I realize now that I spent far too much time trying to discuss the marriage with him and trying to get him to see how wrong it was to break up our marriage. At the end of the day, when they are done, they are done and there is nothing to do about it except pick yourself up and show some dignity.
> 
> We only have to wait until the end of April until we file for divorce. 6 months. It should be interesting to see what life is like six months from now.....


I know the feeling. Trying to maintain, hoping and fighting for it only to realize it's just over. Like you said when they are done that's it, it's just over. I too am in a waiting game but I plan to keep myself busy with the kids, friends, I love to hike and stuff so I will occupy my time in those areas.

Best of luck to you.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Its a process. It was VERY hard for me for the first couple months. Now, after about 6 months, i view it as almost two sides of my life...i have my no kid time, which allows me to go to impromtu happy hours, play volleyball, go to movies etc, and my kid time, which is spent doing stuff with them.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I think it will be better once you are not living in the same house. Having done that for months (as you already know) it sucks!!!!
> 
> Of course, I think the reality will really hit once he moves out. Not only that but for me, not having my kids every day.


Yeah I think it will be better once we are not living in the same house as well. Although I am unsure when the moving out will be.

I think it will be tough when he moves as well. When he moved part of his items out of our bedroom I was a mess. I can't imagine what I will be like when he is completely gone.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I don't have any kids with my H, something I am partly sad about. I wonder sometimes if that was/is a blessing for moving on, or if it is harder with kids.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I don't have any kids with my H, something I am partly sad about. I wonder sometimes if that was/is a blessing for moving on, or if it is harder with kids.


I'd be thankful that you don't have any kids with him. Divorce is hard on kids.

I'm thankful I don't have any kids with my wife.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I'd be thankful that you don't have any kids with him. Divorce is hard on kids.
> 
> I'm thankful I don't have any kids with my wife.


Yeah. You are right. This has been hard on my dog. Acts out a lot, and she is just a dog.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Kids seem ok....but I CANT STAND interacting with her.. .brutal, thats the downside. More than anything I would just be happy to never have to deal with her again. No kids is a blessing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Just writing a quick post.

Today is my b-day. The times, they are changing. I can already tell I will have mixed feelings today.

The H stayed out all night, and didn't come home from what I can tell. He has yet to reach out and wish me a Happy Birthday. 

It was interesting getting the party guy to be the first person to wish me a Happy Birthday. He called me 3 minutes before midnight and stayed on the phone just to be the first.

Small things really make you realize what you are losing or what you have lost. At the same time, I also see what I might be gaining. 

Yup, surely, a mixed bag today.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Just writing a quick post.
> 
> Today is my b-day. The times, they are changing. I can already tell I will have mixed feelings today.
> 
> ...


I hope your day goes well. Happy Birthday .

Your H is doing this deliberately to get some sort of reaction from you. Don't give him the pleasure of letting him see it.

My birthday is coming up soon. A day that I am not looking forward to.

Edit: Kudos to party guy.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Happy Birthday!!! Yeah..your perception changes. You start to wonder why you care about somone who doesnt care about you....and then you have these other people who REALLY appreciate you . .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Just writing a quick post.
> 
> Today is my b-day. The times, they are changing. I can already tell I will have mixed feelings today.
> 
> ...


Have a great birthday!!!! Don't let him ruin your day.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Hey KS, how are you holding up?

Did you have a good birthday?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Thank you all for the b-day wishes. I had a great birthday. Lots of people checked up on me, which was nice 

The H did try to upset me, but I didn't let him. He didn't even say HB, he just inserted a crass comment. I ended up staying out most of the night, so I didn't really interact with him, except to say hi when I got home.

To top it off I made plans to see the party guy in two weeks. Looking forward to that


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

So glad you had a good birthday!!!!!!! Even better than you didn't let H bother you!!!!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> So glad you had a good birthday!!!!!!! Even better than you didn't let H bother you!!!!


I was happy that I didn't let H bother me too. Although I felt a little bad/guilty that I was happy without him.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Tough day. 

Have been having nightmares the past few days was a bit cranky.

Just spend 1.5 hours talking to the husband. Laying some ground rules about the future. Finally I think he is starting to realize this is ending, like he said he wanted. Tough convo. We finally both put it out there, this has ended.

He seemed to have walked away upset. I feel bad and guilty. I also feel unshackled from him, feels good but sad at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I don't thnk its ever easy. Still somewhat surreal to me too. So, he wants it but he is upset? My ex was upset because I didn't want it...why be upset that you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Tough day.
> 
> Have been having nightmares the past few days was a bit cranky.
> 
> ...


The realization of the end of a marriage is horrible. I hear you about the nightmares. My son is having them also and has had two sleep walking experiences since we told them and that is really scary!!!!!

Anyway, try not to feel bad or guilty. This is what HE wanted right?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I don't thnk its ever easy. Still somewhat surreal to me too. So, he wants it but he is upset? My ex was upset because I didn't want it...why be upset that you do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no idea why he was upset. I think a part of him is still holding on. 

After the conversation he went to his area, and locked the door. I took care of some things and went to bed. Actually slept this time until 4:00am when he woke me up because he said he was cold and couldn't get some sleep, so he slept on his side of the bed next to me. 

I woke up because I noticed some of the lights were on, and yes it was cold, but nothing a blanket couldn't resolve. In any case I left him there. Woke up in the morning and went to work. 

He texted me a thank you.

I honestly don't spend a lot of time thinking about the why of his actions anymore. I just find the actions annoying.

I still care about him and I realize I probably always will, but we are not for each other anymore.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> The realization of the end of a marriage is horrible. I hear you about the nightmares. My son is having them also and has had two sleep walking experiences since we told them and that is really scary!!!!!
> 
> Anyway, try not to feel bad or guilty. This is what HE wanted right?


That is scary. I hope things improve for your son soon. How r u monitoring the sleep walking?

That's what I keep telling myself, not to feel bad. I tried to work on things. Nothing wrong with wanting to move on with my life. But I can't help it. I am not trying to hurt him, I just want to move forward. I would think, considering his actions in the past 6-8 months,that is what he wants as well.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

so Knotted, i glanced at your opening paragraph and didnt catch why you were separated, or if there was infidelity or anything. Have you tried to fix the marriage and it wont work? He wants out but why? Seems like he isnt quite ready yet...though seems you certainly are.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> so Knotted, i glanced at your opening paragraph and didnt catch why you were separated, or if there was infidelity or anything. Have you tried to fix the marriage and it wont work? He wants out but why? Seems like he isnt quite ready yet...though seems you certainly are.


I asked for the separation because he gave me no choice really.

A few months ago, I think it began late in May or early June, he stopped coming home. Sometimes he would stay out for 2-3 days in a row and didn't call or text to tell me where he was or that he wasn't coming home. On the day he would come home, he would text me early in the morning, tell me he was on his way home, but didn't come back for hours, most of the time late in the pm hours. For a while I tried to talk to him about it, I explained how hurt I was, I suggested counseling, etc...but it would just turn into an argument. He was really harsh those days. Was always upset. Told me he was not in love with me. The usual I guess.

We talked on and off, and at times we were still intimate. After a while, I was tired of feeling like my heart was on a string, too much of the up and down, so I asked for a separation (I think it was in July). I expected he would move out, etc, but that has not been the case. I tried to deal with things as they were, and sometimes I even got my hopes up that things would get better and that maybe we could fix our problems. That all changed when, after we separated, he went on a vacation with some buddies. He met a girl there, and "hooked up" with her, then came home and "hooked up" with me, and only told me about his previous "hook up" after the fact. At that point, I knew I was done. I felt used and disrespected. So I decided to move into a new bedroom, etc...and start to actually separate.

Since that incident, about 2 months, I have started IC, and stayed busy. I am doing pretty well, considering. Some days are good, other not so. I put myself out there though, tried to move on with my life, stayed busy, and little by little I stopped caring so much about what he was doing. 

When I met the "party guy" it all came together. I just realized what I want from someone, how I want to be treated. What my H is not and hasn't been for a long time.

Full Disclosure - this is our second separation. We separated 4 years ago a month after I had a miscarriage. That one hit me hard. I lost 20 pounds then, which is a lot when you are just 115 pounds; went through a deep depression, the works. I thought for sure we were done at that point, but 6 months after that separation, he came back and asked for forgiveness and truly was a better man so I gave him another chance, but I was clear on the fact that this was the only chance I could give. I couldn't go through all that I went through again. Here we are 4 years later.

I have a friend who told me 4 years ago, when I decided to give him a second chance, that I was H proof. She said - he already had done the worst to me, hurt me deeply, so like a virus, I was now H proof. Even if he hurt me the second time around, the cut wouldn't be as deep. I wonder sometimes, as I go through this, if this is part of why I am not in as much pain, or if it just hasn't hit me yet.

Lastly, I don't think that he cheated on me while we were together, and to be honest, its not a priority for me to find out. I know he has started to see people since the separation, but my take is that they are casual flings. Yesterday he was telling me about one of these casual flings. At first it bothered me, and within 5-10 minutes I realized I didn't really care. The man that I loved is gone. He maybe left a long time ago. Before all of this. I am sure I will miss him dearly. And I am sure that I will always love him. But I am not trying to dwell in the same puddle forever.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Well I guess that makes more sense then. He is perhaps sorry for his actions (to some degree) but you have simply moved on for the most part. You tried, he rejected while he was having his fun, so now he sees you moving on and is trying to pull you back some too. 

Thank you for the history, it helps in understanding your situation. Generally, all of us are in the same boat, but the circumstance vary quite a bit.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Well I guess that makes more sense then. He is perhaps sorry for his actions (to some degree) but you have simply moved on for the most part. You tried, he rejected while he was having his fun, so now he sees you moving on and is trying to pull you back some too.
> 
> Thank you for the history, it helps in understanding your situation. Generally, all of us are in the same boat, but the circumstance vary quite a bit.


As I look back Garry, I feel like I was fighting for most of the relationship. I wanted to be with this man so badly that I compromised so much to make it work. 

Yes, I think he is trying to pull me back. Last night he came to my room, and gave me a hug. For, he says, no reason. 

The thing is, I don't think he loves me anymore. I don't think he has for some time now. I think I am just comfortable to him, and that he is unwilling to let go of that comfortable feeling he gets with me. I am after all, if nothing else, familiar. I nice body pillow.

As for me, its not so much that I have moved on. There are many times when I want to reach out to him still. When I want to work it out. Mentally it is hard to let go of someone you were with for so long who you wanted to build a life with. It's just that my eyes have been opened. I now see what I had with him, how dysfunctional it was, etc. As well as what I could actually have with someone else. What I am worth. How I could be treated. How I could be happy without compromising so much. And although it is in the world of the great unknown, I rather go towards that dream, than stay with someone in an unhappy and repetitive cycle.

How have things been with you Garry? I looked for your post but I cannot find it.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> How have things been with you Garry? I looked for your post but I cannot find it.


Not sure which post. I have two...one is my chronicles as I was going through my discovery and stress of my wife's affair etc, then rebuilding from the ashes is my post divorce thread.

I am ok. There is alot in your post that resonates with me as well. I felt I was always trying to build the relationship with my X, but she never really wanted to. Though we had a very affectionate loving relationship, it was probably hollow on many fronts as well...and eventually she decided to have affairs rather than put any effort into "US".

I have been seeing someone, and like you, feel SO much more appreciated by almost everyone I meet.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> That is scary. I hope things improve for your son soon. How r u monitoring the sleep walking?
> 
> That's what I keep telling myself, not to feel bad. I tried to work on things. Nothing wrong with wanting to move on with my life. But I can't help it. I am not trying to hurt him, I just want to move forward. I would think, considering his actions in the past 6-8 months,that is what he wants as well.


It doesn't happen often enough to really monitor. He will go into my STBX's bedroom and wake him up. When it happened the other night, I was in STBX's bedroom watching t.v. with him. Yeah stupid I know! Anyway, he looks like he is awake but he clearly isn't. I just don't want him to hurt himself by falling or something. I don't know. Hopefully, it will not keep up. If it keeps happening though, I guess I will have to call the doctor.

It doesn't sound like your H really knows what he wants. I still don't think mine does either but time will tell. I think actions are what you have to pay attention to. Not words.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I am ok. There is alot in your post that resonates with me as well. I felt I was always trying to build the relationship with my X, but she never really wanted to. Though we had a very affectionate loving relationship, it was probably hollow on many fronts as well...and eventually she decided to have affairs rather than put any effort into "US".
> 
> I have been seeing someone, and like you, feel SO much more appreciated by almost everyone I meet.


I can relate Garry. That's how I feel about my H. I wanted to, he did not. I think our relationship was hollow on many fronts as well. I don't know if he had affairs, but he did decide to seek things outside of the house instead put any effort into us.

Yeah. It's nice to be appreciated. Hope the person you are seeing appreciates you.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> It doesn't happen often enough to really monitor. He will go into my STBX's bedroom and wake him up. When it happened the other night, I was in STBX's bedroom watching t.v. with him. Yeah stupid I know! Anyway, he looks like he is awake but he clearly isn't. I just don't want him to hurt himself by falling or something. I don't know. Hopefully, it will not keep up. If it keeps happening though, I guess I will have to call the doctor.
> 
> It doesn't sound like your H really knows what he wants. I still don't think mine does either but time will tell. I think actions are what you have to pay attention to. Not words.


I think my H wants to manipulate the situation in a way that works best for him. 

I have been getting a clearer picture of who he is, not who I want him to be, and I don't like what I see.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Very upset this morning. Ending up getting into work 2 hours later than I was suppose to.

H decided yet again last night to get into bed with me while I slept. I didn't throw him out, I should have I know.

Anyways, when I woke up and was getting ready for work, he wanted to talk and like a dumb-ass I said okay. He wanted to talk about what went wrong with us, and I thought okay, this could be productive. At first it seemed to be going well, and then he decided he had to try and give me so advice about dating the man I am seeing "party guy." Well at that point, I had enough. I got ready to go to work and left. At that point he said a lot of crass things to me, only solidifying that it was time to go.

I am so upset. What is his problem. He doesn't want me, but he doesn't want to leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Move on with your life, like I am trying to. And who does he think he is trying to give me relationship advice on what to do, how to be, with someone else. 

Needless to say I feel worse by the fact that as I was leaving the house I spoke to "party guy" and told him what was going on. I have been trying to keep him away from the nonsense going on in my house. He is hurt a bit. I feel bad.

This is starting out to be a crappy day.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Very upset this morning. Ending up getting into work 2 hours later than I was suppose to.
> 
> H decided yet again last night to get into bed with me while I slept. I didn't throw him out, I should have I know.
> 
> ...


Your day will get better. Your life will get better.

My STBXW did something similar when she found out that I was going to visit a female friend. She doesn't want me but no one else can have me? I don't think so.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Your day will get better. Your life will get better.
> 
> My STBXW did something similar when she found out that I was going to visit a female friend. She doesn't want me but no one else can have me? I don't think so.


Thanks WWB. Your words help


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I think this is very common. While he may not have wanted you (confused anyway), you with another is making him jealous and it bothers him. 

I dunno, Im jealous personally. My X showed zero towards me/us/our family, nor did she ever, at any point, want to engage. So, to me, its him showing some remorse about you moving on...or at least a hesitation of some kind. Heck, It would make my day if she EVER showed signs to me of regret or remorse.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I think this is very common. While he may not have wanted you (confused anyway), you with another is making him jealous and it bothers him.
> 
> I dunno, Im jealous personally. My X showed zero towards me/us/our family, nor did she ever, at any point, want to engage. So, to me, its him showing some remorse about you moving on...or at least a hesitation of some kind. Heck, It would make my day if she EVER showed signs to me of regret or remorse.


I understand that it bothers him we have been in each other's lives for a long time. It bothers me that he is seeing other women, but what can I do. I have also noticed that the closer I become to this new man the more unpredictable his behavior becomes. I feel a lot of guilt for hurting him, for being happy, and I keep having to remind myself that I didn't want things to be the way they are, he did. He pushed for this. He brought up divorce. He wanted out. Well he is out. 

I want nothing but happiness for him. I just see now that I can't be happy with him. I still hold on to a little bit of hope, but every time he acts the way he is acting, he pushes me further and further away and that little bit of hope is diminished little by little.

I don't know if he is showing remorse or hesitation. I don't think he loves me. In hindsight, and I have come to terms with this, I don't think he has loved me for a very long time. I am just comfortable, as I dub myself, a body pillow. And I think for him it is hard to give the safe and comfortable part up. 

I also don't think that someone who loves you would be trying to manipulate you to get what they want not what is best for you and might make you happy, and saying some of the harsh things he said to me today. But what do I know.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I think this is very common. While he may not have wanted you (confused anyway), you with another is making him jealous and it bothers him.
> 
> I dunno, Im jealous personally. My X showed zero towards me/us/our family, nor did she ever, at any point, want to engage. So, to me, its him showing some remorse about you moving on...or at least a hesitation of some kind. Heck, It would make my day if she EVER showed signs to me of regret or remorse.


Garry I am curious, what would you have done if she tried to engage? How would you react if she showed signs of regret or remorse today?


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Garry I am curious, what would you have done if she tried to engage? How would you react if she showed signs of regret or remorse today?


We maybe could have saved the marriage if she engaged at all. She just walked away. Which was and stillis very frustrating to me, especially when her mother 100% supported her.

Not sure how I would exactly handle it, but it would basically be a fkn no way. Not sure if i care if she knows what i went through etc. But i see her, and her mother VERY differently...in fact i refuse to look at either one of them..it nausiating. 

They both used to think the world of me, and I didnt do anything wrong. So, I know I can find someone who thinks that again. In fact, the woman i am seeing already does.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Very upset this morning. Ending up getting into work 2 hours later than I was suppose to.
> 
> H decided yet again last night to get into bed with me while I slept. I didn't throw him out, I should have I know.
> 
> ...


Sorry you are having a bad day and I am really sorry your H keeps playing these games with you!!!

We don't talk about our marriage anymore but the other night STBXH was giving me relationship advice such as: don't act all pizano (yes he used this wording) with the next guy. 

Agreed they are in NO position to be giving us relationship advice! The sooner you two are not living under the same roof the better off you will be.

Anyway, I hope your day gets better. Have you talked any further to PartyGuy?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> We maybe could have saved the marriage if she engaged at all. She just walked away. Which was and stillis very frustrating to me, especially when her mother 100% supported her.
> 
> Not sure how I would exactly handle it, but it would basically be a fkn no way. Not sure if i care if she knows what i went through etc. But i see her, and her mother VERY differently...in fact i refuse to look at either one of them..it nausiating.
> 
> They both used to think the world of me, and I didnt do anything wrong. So, I know I can find someone who thinks that again. In fact, the woman i am seeing already does.


My H gave up in his own way too. I tried talking to him so many times and he basically said he was done. It took some dramatic and anxious situation involving rumors and another woman for me to realize that I was tired, and I gave up shortly after.

I use to care about him knowing what I went through, but realized that it wont matter. I don't care anymore. I really have checked out of the marriage. I guess once I realized that I could have a great future without him, I couldn't go back.

Blood is thicker than water Garry. Even the nicest people turn when it comes to their own family. My mother in law will soon do this I am sure. Her son is the victim. Never mind that she saw him put me through hell.

Yes, there are awesome people out there.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Sorry you are having a bad day and I am really sorry your H keeps playing these games with you!!!
> 
> We don't talk about our marriage anymore but the other night STBXH was giving me relationship advice such as: don't act all pizano (yes he used this wording) with the next guy.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry he keeps playing these games too. More sorry that I keep falling for it. 

I don't understand why they think they can just say whatever they want. My H is doing all kinds of things, I am not telling him what to do, we are done, live your life and let me live mine. Let me make my own mistakes, and go make your mistakes. Why is this such a hard concept.

My H tried to compare the party guy to his EA from 4 years ago that he kept a secret and lied about for 1.5 years. Because it is apparently the same to keep an EA a secret while you are with someone and to meet someone after you have separated and be open to everybody about it.

Yes I know, living under the same roof makes this so hard. I have to wait though, which sucks. Might go and stay at my mother's house for a bit. The house is the only issue. Since we just bough it this year, I have to wait a year to refinance which isn't until March. I have asked him to move, but he wont move.

The partyguy and I talk everyday, all the time. It could actually go somewhere with him. He is aware of things, and I can't imagine how hard it is for him, to want to be with someone who is going through all of this. To trust they are being honest. That has to be hard. I try to protect him from what is going on with my H, sometimes I don't do a very good job. Today is one of those days. I can hear him being affected/hurt and it hurts me. We have agreed though to take it really, really slow because we want it to go somewhere, like I have said before, the distance helps. We are suppose to see each other in 2 weeks. Today he is keeping a low profile. I am giving him some space. Like I said, this has to be hard on someone who is trying to get to know you and see if it can go somewhere with you, while at the same time they don't want to get too attached for fear of getting hurt.

so far the day has not improved. Work is a bummer.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I think this is very common. While he may not have wanted you (confused anyway), you with another is making him jealous and it bothers him.
> 
> I dunno, Im jealous personally. My X showed zero towards me/us/our family, nor did she ever, at any point, want to engage. So, to me, its him showing some remorse about you moving on...or at least a hesitation of some kind. Heck, It would make my day if she EVER showed signs to me of regret or remorse.


My STBXW is engaging me, we're talking every day, she said yesterday that "It's difficult being friends because it's hard to distinguish between friends and more" and last night, got flirty with me.

I want to believe this is a sign that I can save my M, but I also don't want to believe that to protect myself.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah..be very cautious. I don't know your situation. My ex was flirty with me too...all the while she had a bf with no real intentions of working on "us".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> My STBXW is engaging me, we're talking every day, she said yesterday that "It's difficult being friends because it's hard to distinguish between friends and more" and last night, got flirty with me.
> 
> I want to believe this is a sign that I can save my M, but I also don't want to believe that to protect myself.


Well WWB, I would say if she hinders your personal growth process, cut her loose. Sometimes you might be able to work it out, but I think for you and her, its just too soon. Maybe you need some long term time apart before you can really work on your marriage.

I don't know though, just be cautious.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah..be very cautious. I don't know your situation. My ex was flirty with me too...all the while she had a bf with no real intentions of working on "us".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Garry, why do you think she was flirty? Was she a cake eater? What was the point if she had someone else already?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Well my H texted me yesterday in the afternoon and last night. He was apologizing for his behavior and for all the things he said to me. Now he wants to have dinner and either catch up or talk about what happened or both. But he doesn't want to infringe on my personal time. He says he wasn't trying to rain on my parade and just wanted to make sure I was okay. 

This makes me so upset. I would have loved to see a message like this months ago when he was a total jerk. Now, I just want to move on. He has hurt me so much in the last 13 years. I am afraid that he will say the right things, and again, like 4 years ago, I will fall for it, try to work things out, and then 4 years from now will be back in the same place.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Well WWB, I would say if she hinders your personal growth process, cut her loose. Sometimes you might be able to work it out, but I think for you and her, its just too soon. Maybe you need some long term time apart before you can really work on your marriage.
> 
> I don't know though, just be cautious.


I have cut her loose, I can't deal with any more hurt or head games, and ultimately that is what's going to happen.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Well my H texted me yesterday in the afternoon and last night. He was apologizing for his behavior and for all the things he said to me. Now he wants to have dinner and either catch up or talk about what happened or both. But he doesn't want to infringe on my personal time. He says he wasn't trying to rain on my parade and just wanted to make sure I was okay.
> 
> This makes me so upset. I would have loved to see a message like this months ago when he was a total jerk. Now, I just want to move on. He has hurt me so much in the last 13 years. I am afraid that he will say the right things, and again, like 4 years ago, I will fall for it, try to work things out, and then 4 years from now will be back in the same place.


Well, this is a tricky one. I'd seriously take some time to think it over before making a decision.

If you do decide to go, be guarded, and friendly but formal, and be entirely honest.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I have cut her loose, I can't deal with any more hurt or head games, and ultimately that is what's going to happen.


That's right. People don't change over night.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Well, this is a tricky one. I'd seriously take some time to think it over before making a decision.
> 
> If you do decide to go, be guarded, and friendly but formal, and be entirely honest.


I don't know I think his behavior is a result of me meeting someone and dedicating a lot of time to that person who does live 450 miles away, and is really nice and sweet to me. I know my H has been spying on me and checking up on what we talk about, etc.

I could see all the reasons why I should let my H go. Our relationship was bad. He was bad to me and I took it because that's what I thought I deserved or something. Maybe it was the longevity of our relationship, that I was young, and that in reality he was all I knew. If I go back, he will further hurt me. But it's hard to let him go, especially when we are still in the same house together.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I don't know I think his behavior is a result of me meeting someone and dedicating a lot of time to that person who does live 450 miles away, and is really nice and sweet to me. I know my H has been spying on me and checking up on what we talk about, etc.
> 
> I could see all the reasons why I should let my H go. Our relationship was bad. He was bad to me and I took it because that's what I thought I deserved or something. Maybe it was the longevity of our relationship, that I was young, and that in reality he was all I knew. If I go back, he will further hurt me. But it's hard to let him go, especially when we are still in the same house together.


I can only imagine how difficult it must be in the same house. My W told me she was leaving, and 5 minutes later was gone.

I know I'll get hurt if I continue the way I'm going too. It's time to let it go, if it's meant to be, it will be.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I think this is very common. While he may not have wanted you (confused anyway), you with another is making him jealous and it bothers him.
> 
> I dunno, Im jealous personally. My X showed zero towards me/us/our family, nor did she ever, at any point, want to engage. So, to me, its him showing some remorse about you moving on...or at least a hesitation of some kind. Heck, It would make my day if she EVER showed signs to me of regret or remorse.


My STBXH never shows any regret or remorse either. He doesn't appear at all stressed out or bothered by any of this. He talks about us dating other people as if our marriage was nothing.

He also seems to already know (in detail!!) of how match.com works and was making jokes last night about us running in to each other on there. Glad that's the first thing on his mind is match.com!


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I don't know I think his behavior is a result of me meeting someone and dedicating a lot of time to that person who does live 450 miles away, and is really nice and sweet to me. I know my H has been spying on me and checking up on what we talk about, etc.
> 
> I could see all the reasons why I should let my H go. Our relationship was bad. He was bad to me and I took it because that's what I thought I deserved or something. Maybe it was the longevity of our relationship, that I was young, and that in reality he was all I knew. If I go back, he will further hurt me. But it's hard to let him go, especially when we are still in the same house together.


It definitely sounds to me exactly as you describe. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. It's pretty childish and manipulative if you ask me.

He wants to make sure you are still plan b. Don't let him!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> My STBXH never shows any regret or remorse either. He doesn't appear at all stressed out or bothered by any of this. He talks about us dating other people as if our marriage was nothing.
> 
> He also seems to already know (in detail!!) of how match.com works and was making jokes last night about us running in to each other on there. Glad that's the first thing on his mind is match.com!


He probably wants to hurt you. Don't let him.

I bet if u met someone and were happy he wouldn't be saying these things. Before I started seeing someone my H was a jerk. He would come home and tell me about all the women he was meeting. He would tell me that I should start getting out there. Now, not so much. Now he wants to be nice and caring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> It definitely sounds to me exactly as you describe. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. It's pretty childish and manipulative if you ask me.
> 
> He wants to make sure you are still plan b. Don't let him!


My H has always been pretty manipulative, he even admits this.

His behavior as of late makes me so angry. Mostly it diminishes him in my eyes even more. It is also very hurtful. I keep having to remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong and I don't have anything to feel bad about. He had me for 13 yrs and he chose to give that up. It is hard but I must move forward.

More infuriating is that after months of not coming home for days at a time, now he is home all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach;5081514More infuriating is that after months of not coming home for days at a time said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


I feel like people CAN change...but is it enough, and are you (and they) willing to go through the serious effort to rebuild the marriage. Seems like many dont, or dont want to risk doing all the work to find out the spouse was just playing you.

My EX was so dumb, she didnt even fake like she wanted to save us. Would have saved face had she.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I feel like people CAN change...but is it enough, and are you (and they) willing to go through the serious effort to rebuild the marriage. Seems like many dont, or dont want to risk doing all the work to find out the spouse was just playing you.


Well I went down this road 4 years ago. Forgiving, rebuilding. It didn't really get me anywhere. It only prolonged my pain. I am tired and don't want to be jerked around anymore.

Now, for the record, I don't think he changed or wants to be with me. When he talks to me he sounds the same, he acts the same. The moment I give him just the smallest opening it all goes back to being the same. It's only when I stand firm and say, you know what I don't need this, that he starts to be remorseful, nice. I am tired of this. It's exhausting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> My EX was so dumb, she didnt even fake like she wanted to save us. Would have saved face had she.


How would she have saved face?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

LIMBOLADY said:


> My STBXH never shows any regret or remorse either. He doesn't appear at all stressed out or bothered by any of this. He talks about us dating other people as if our marriage was nothing.
> 
> He also seems to already know (in detail!!) of how match.com works and was making jokes last night about us running in to each other on there. Glad that's the first thing on his mind is match.com!


Oh yeah, my X left me wine glasses so "when you have a woman over here you two can have something to drink the wine from". 

And yes, we did see each other on dating sites haha.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> How would she have saved face?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, to me, and seems like most of the people i talk to, they all ask if we went to couceling. When they hear she refused, puts her in a bad light...she just walked away after 17 years...zero effort...couldnt even TRY MC.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Well I went down this road 4 years ago. Forgiving, rebuilding. It didn't really get me anywhere. It only prolonged my pain. I am tired and don't want to be jerked around anymore.
> 
> Now, for the record, I don't think he changed or wants to be with me. When he talks to me he sounds the same, he acts the same. The moment I give him just the smallest opening it all goes back to being the same. It's only when I stand firm and say, you know what I don't need this, that he starts to be remorseful, nice. I am tired of this. It's exhausting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, i can see that. EVEN if X tried, I would have hesitated for just this reason. Im tired of watching over my shoulder at who she is talking/seeing all the time.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Well, to me, and seems like most of the people i talk to, they all ask if we went to couceling. When they hear she refused, puts her in a bad light...she just walked away after 17 years...zero effort...couldnt even TRY MC.


I have asked H many times to go to MC with me. Until this day he says no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> I have asked H many times to go to MC with me. Until this day he says no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My X told me "I am not going to someone who will just tell me everything i did was wrong". A couple months later "there is too much under the bridge now".

Told her BF she delayed going because she "didnt love me anymore"..she loved him apparently


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> My X told me "I am not going to someone who will just tell me everything i did was wrong". A couple months later "there is too much under the bridge now".
> 
> Told her BF she delayed going because she "didnt love me anymore"..she loved him apparently


My H has told me he doesn't want to go to MC because he can figure it all out on his own. He also said he doesn't need to.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

This is so hard.

So I received 3 apologies from his behavior 2 days ago. Two via text, and one in person yesterday, after I came home, which was late, I was out with a friend at a party. It was fun. I came home and had to clean up my dog's mess, she is coping weirdly, and he decided he would help me. Note, he has never helped me clean at all before.

After we cleaned, we sat down and we talked. Apparently he has gone from I want a divorce to I don't know what is going to happen with us but I don't want us to drift further away from each other. He also says he recognizes some of the things he has done wrong, and now wants to correct them. But he also says that although he cares about me, I am mostly just comfortable to be around due to longevity. Why wont he just move. If he moved, I think it would provide more clarity for everyone.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> This is so hard.
> 
> So I received 3 apologies from his behavior 2 days ago. Two via text, and one in person yesterday, after I came home, which was late, I was out with a friend at a party. It was fun. I came home and had to clean up my dog's mess, she is coping weirdly, and he decided he would help me. Note, he has never helped me clean at all before.
> 
> After we cleaned, we sat down and we talked. Apparently he has gone from I want a divorce to I don't know what is going to happen with us but I don't want us to drift further away from each other. He also says he recognizes some of the things he has done wrong, and now wants to correct them. But he also says that although he cares about me, I am mostly just comfortable to be around due to longevity. Why wont he just move. If he moved, I think it would provide more clarity for everyone.


I think you're right KS. I think space is what is needed here. Your H sounds very confused. 

Comfort and longevity aren't good enough reasons. Love should be the reason.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> This is so hard.
> 
> So I received 3 apologies from his behavior 2 days ago. Two via text, and one in person yesterday, after I came home, which was late, I was out with a friend at a party. It was fun. I came home and had to clean up my dog's mess, she is coping weirdly, and he decided he would help me. Note, he has never helped me clean at all before.
> 
> ...


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I think you're right KS. I think space is what is needed here. Your H sounds very confused.
> 
> Comfort and longevity aren't good enough reasons. Love should be the reason.


Yup. Love should be the reason. I think he is very confused as well.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I think most on here can understand that you have just got to a point where you dont want to give him anymore chance, and realize that you could be better off starting over. He prob isnt there yet, know he messed up (several times) and my guess is has hit a homerun with the OW. So he is coming back.


Yup. I agree he probably isn't there yet, and I think he is starting to recognize the mistakes he has made.

As I have said before I don't know if there was an OW. In all my snooping, I didn't find anything about an OW. And after a while, I stopped caring if there was one. I do think he is coming back from something. I just think our time might have passed.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah..happens I guess. Seems like it if he is disspearing for days on end, or a medical condition.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah..happens I guess. Seems like it if he is disspearing for days on end, or a medical condition.


That's what I hear. However, I am a - I need proof - type of person, and I don't have any proof that there was a OW. I would say that he does not have a medical condition. Healthy as a horse. 

I have no idea where he slept or what he did the time that he would spend days out of the house. Like I said before, I don't really think about it. That alone is reason for getting fed up and wanting to move on, if only it were just hard.

Do not get me wrong, now that he is "trying" - coming home all the time, telling me where he is, deciding he wants to help around the house - it is in my mind, the R that is. Logically though I don't see what it accomplishes.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> That's what I hear. However, I am a - I need proof - type of person, and I don't have any proof that there was a OW. I would say that he does not have a medical condition. Healthy as a horse.
> 
> I have no idea where he slept or what he did the time that he would spend days out of the house. Like I said before, I don't really think about it. That alone is reason for getting fed up and wanting to move on, if only it were just hard.
> 
> Do not get me wrong, now that he is "trying" - coming home all the time, telling me where he is, deciding he wants to help around the house - it is in my mind, the R that is. Logically though I don't see what it accomplishes.


It sounds to me like it may be a case of "too little too late". 

Could he possibly have an addiction?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It sounds to me like it may be a case of "too little too late".
> 
> Could he possibly have an addiction?


An addiction? Could you be more specific WWB.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Now that it is the morning I find I am super annoyed. What is wrong with me that I keep feeding the beast?

Last night, after I spoke to party guy, I was in a good mood I guess, and I decided to talk to my H a bit. We have been in good terms lately, nothing too personal, just shooting the breeze for a few seconds. He was in the kitchen, and I decided to approach him to shoot the breeze for a bit. Somehow, I ended up getting into a deep conversation with him. He wanted to talk about what went wrong in our marriage, I still do not see the point in this. I mean seriously, what is the point, we don't plan to be together, we don't plan to fix things between us, so why do we need to talk about it. I go to therapy to deal with all this, why does he want to talk about it. We talked about it for a while. What went wrong, why it feel apart, how we felt about certain things. He still seems to resist a lot of what he did, and at times he tries to shift the blame to me. It was so freaking exhausting. 

We also talked about party guy. I guess he just can't help telling me how really I am seeing party guy because he is comfortable, he is the rebound, and that he is not as good looking as my H. Apparently, being with someone should be super difficult, like it was with me and him, and how has that worked out again..Oh right, it hasn't. 

This is so annoying. I am mostly annoyed with myself though. I know I should get up and walk away from these conversations, but I end up sitting there, for hours, talking back. Why don't I just get up?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> An addiction? Could you be more specific WWB.


I meant like a drug addiction, or an alcohol addiction that he's hiding from you by staying out?

How often does/did he stay out?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Now that it is the morning I find I am super annoyed. What is wrong with me that I keep feeding the beast?
> 
> Last night, after I spoke to party guy, I was in a good mood I guess, and I decided to talk to my H a bit. We have been in good terms lately, nothing too personal, just shooting the breeze for a few seconds. He was in the kitchen, and I decided to approach him to shoot the breeze for a bit. Somehow, I ended up getting into a deep conversation with him. He wanted to talk about what went wrong in our marriage, I still do not see the point in this. I mean seriously, what is the point, we don't plan to be together, we don't plan to fix things between us, so why do we need to talk about it. I go to therapy to deal with all this, why does he want to talk about it. We talked about it for a while. What went wrong, why it feel apart, how we felt about certain things. He still seems to resist a lot of what he did, and at times he tries to shift the blame to me. It was so freaking exhausting.
> 
> ...


I kept wanting to talk about what went wrong in my marriage too, it didn't do any good really as there is no hope of R. Still it was good in a way to figure it all out and talk it out, so I know what to avoid next time.

Your H is saying these things about Party Guy out of jealousy I'd imagine. This is quite normal I'm sure. Of course your H is going to have a low opinion of the man that is seeing his wife, I wouldn't take too much notice of him.

You were with your H for a long time, it's difficult to get up and walk away from someone you've shared so much with. Don't be too hard on yourself.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I meant like a drug addiction, or an alcohol addiction that he's hiding from you by staying out?
> 
> How often does/did he stay out?


Well lately he has been home. He has even helped with some of the things around the house.

He use to stay out every weekend and some days on the weekdays. He is not addicted to anything that I know off.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I kept wanting to talk about what went wrong in my marriage too, it didn't do any good really as there is no hope of R. Still it was good in a way to figure it all out and talk it out, so I know what to avoid next time.
> 
> Your H is saying these things about Party Guy out of jealousy I'd imagine. This is quite normal I'm sure. Of course your H is going to have a low opinion of the man that is seeing his wife, I wouldn't take too much notice of him.
> 
> You were with your H for a long time, it's difficult to get up and walk away from someone you've shared so much with. Don't be too hard on yourself.


Well we both know what we did wrong, we have talked about it before. I am just not sure what continuing to talk about the same thing does or how it helps, after a while it just becomes redundant. In my opinion, you take what the person has told you, work through it, and try not to do it in your next relationship or maybe you decide that you like these things about yourself.

I am trying not to take too much notice, but it is hard. Especially when he goes after me - he did that yesterday when he referenced the fact that I am older than party guy, who is 6 yrs my junior.

Thanks WWB for the last part . I am trying not to beat myself up, but beating myself up is what I have learned to be good at.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Now that it is the morning I find I am super annoyed. What is wrong with me that I keep feeding the beast?
> 
> Last night, after I spoke to party guy, I was in a good mood I guess, and I decided to talk to my H a bit. We have been in good terms lately, nothing too personal, just shooting the breeze for a few seconds. He was in the kitchen, and I decided to approach him to shoot the breeze for a bit. Somehow, I ended up getting into a deep conversation with him. He wanted to talk about what went wrong in our marriage, I still do not see the point in this. I mean seriously, what is the point, we don't plan to be together, we don't plan to fix things between us, so why do we need to talk about it. I go to therapy to deal with all this, why does he want to talk about it. We talked about it for a while. What went wrong, why it feel apart, how we felt about certain things. He still seems to resist a lot of what he did, and at times he tries to shift the blame to me. It was so freaking exhausting.
> 
> ...


Seems like what i read and read about on here. Your husband , at one point, did what he wanted to make himself happy etc. At that time, it was you that wanted to work on the marriage. But, after a time, it is YOU that has moved on, and he seems to be somewhat coming back.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Well we both know what we did wrong, we have talked about it before. I am just not sure what continuing to talk about the same thing does or how it helps, after a while it just becomes redundant. In my opinion, you take what the person has told you, work through it, and try not to do it in your next relationship or maybe you decide that you like these things about yourself.
> 
> I am trying not to take too much notice, but it is hard. Especially when he goes after me - he did that yesterday when he referenced the fact that I am older than party guy, who is 6 yrs my junior.
> 
> Thanks WWB for the last part . I am trying not to beat myself up, but beating myself up is what I have learned to be good at.


Nothing wrong with being with a younger guy  I have been with older women in the past. It's just one of those things.

I'm really good at beating myself up too, but lately I've been thinking maybe I'm not such a bad guy. In time you'll realise that you're not bad either .


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Seems like what i read and read about on here. Your husband , at one point, did what he wanted to make himself happy etc. At that time, it was you that wanted to work on the marriage. But, after a time, it is YOU that has moved on, and he seems to be somewhat coming back.


Yeah I think so too. But I still think its just that he is comfortable not love.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Nothing wrong with being with a younger guy  I have been with older women in the past. It's just one of those things.
> 
> I'm really good at beating myself up too, but lately I've been thinking maybe I'm not such a bad guy. In time you'll realise that you're not bad either .


I hope so WWB. I tend to beat myself up a lot.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I hope so WWB. I tend to beat myself up a lot.


Focus on the things you can do, rather than the things you can't do. Don't criticise yourself too much. 

I used to beat myself up over every little thing from "You're such an idiot for upsetting that person" to "You missed a bit while vacuuming." It's just not worth the stress.

When you learn to like yourself more, you'll beat yourself up less. 

Everyday write down a positive thought about yourself or something you have done. It could be "I'm an awesome cook" or "I walked 5 miles in heels today". Then, when you feel like beating yourself up, look at the list, and remind yourself how awesome you are .


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah I think so too. But I still think its just that he is comfortable not love.


Could be. The singles world can be daunting I think, and im not imtimidated/scared by women at all, im very social...dating is alot of work it seems. To find someone who you click with, who doesnt have issues etc. Then they may be so desparate to find someone...eh...it sucks.

He said you felt comfy right? but he didnt love you?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Focus on the things you can do, rather than the things you can't do. Don't criticise yourself too much.
> 
> I used to beat myself up over every little thing from "You're such an idiot for upsetting that person" to "You missed a bit while vacuuming." It's just not worth the stress.
> 
> ...


Thanks WWB. I will try the list . How r u doing?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Could be. The singles world can be daunting I think, and im not imtimidated/scared by women at all, im very social...dating is alot of work it seems. To find someone who you click with, who doesnt have issues etc. Then they may be so desparate to find someone...eh...it sucks.
> 
> He said you felt comfy right? but he didnt love you?


I think we all have issues Garry. I agree though that it is hard to find someone you click with.

He said he is comfortable and that he doesn't love me. He has said that for months.

Today he actually referenced that he might fight for the house. Or at least he feels that he should be compensated for a house he did not put any money into. How generous of him.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks WWB. I will try the list . How r u doing?


It will help .

I'm not doing too badly I guess, feeling pretty low today but I guess that's normal. Fed up of my tunnel. Just gotta keep pushing on .

How are you?


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Today he actually referenced that he might fight for the house. Or at least he feels that he should be compensated for a house he did not put any money into. How generous of him.


Doesnt surprise me. As you get closer and move the D, it becomes more and more a war. My X wanted nothing at first, just wanted out. Told me she wanted a plate, a car and a coffee pot. As her friends and lawyer talked to her, after a while, she was adamant of getting her fair share or more. this was after she swore on a bible that she wouldnt do that. Its an ugly ugly process.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It will help .
> 
> I'm not doing too badly I guess, feeling pretty low today but I guess that's normal. Fed up of my tunnel. Just gotta keep pushing on .
> 
> How are you?


You will get out of the tunnel eventually. It just takes times. Take some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

I am having ups and downs today. Sometimes i am really happy, sometimes I am a little sad. This too shall pass is what I tell myself. Detaching from a toxic person that you were with for so long is hard.

Also trying not to let people steer my boat.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Doesnt surprise me. As you get closer and move the D, it becomes more and more a war. My X wanted nothing at first, just wanted out. Told me she wanted a plate, a car and a coffee pot. As her friends and lawyer talked to her, after a while, she was adamant of getting her fair share or more. this was after she swore on a bible that she wouldnt do that. Its an ugly ugly process.


I was hoping it wouldn't get to that. Still hoping it wont become a war. A little sad about his actions recently. Just when I began to accept him in my life, after the D that is, in a friendly way, he goes and pulls these shenanigans on me. Sometimes I look at him, and I don't recognize him at all. I question my own actions. Who is this? Was he always like this and I just didn't want to see it? Why?

How r u doing Garry?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> You will get out of the tunnel eventually. It just takes times. Take some comfort in knowing you are not alone.
> 
> I am having ups and downs today. Sometimes i am really happy, sometimes I am a little sad. This too shall pass is what I tell myself. Detaching from a toxic person that you were with for so long is hard.
> 
> Also trying not to let people steer my boat.


I know I will  Just a matter of time! I know I'm not alone, I'm sure there are thousands of others who are going through the same thing out there as well as us here at TAM.

It is hard to detach from a toxic person, but what I need to remember is I'm a toxic person too, or at least, I was. I need to address my own toxicities while detaching from her toxicities.

You steer your boat, no one else. People can offer advice and opinions, but it's up to you what you do with it!


----------



## Poopah64 (Oct 29, 2013)

I can totally relate. I had my husband move out in July with both of us hoping it be temporary. I would think it would be harder having him in the house and because there was an alcohol issue, I had no choice but to have him leave. I thought I would be happier with him gone, but not so. I miss him, not the alcohol abuse of course, but I do miss him. Its a process to say the least. I wish you luck!!!


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> I was hoping it wouldn't get to that. Still hoping it wont become a war. A little sad about his actions recently. Just when I began to accept him in my life, after the D that is, in a friendly way, he goes and pulls these shenanigans on me. Sometimes I look at him, and I don't recognize him at all. I question my own actions. Who is this? Was he always like this and I just didn't want to see it? Why?
> 
> How r u doing Garry?


Oh, we agreed to no lawyers, and a a civil divorce. Then her friends and lawyer got involved...which I told her they would and she denied she would let them make her that way. My X, though my best friend in marriage, has become my worst enemy. I am convinced she would have done whatever it took to screw me and get as much as she could. It became all about the money. In fact, she is pretty ignorant about the specifics of the divorce, EXCEPT how much money she is supposed to get.

I am doing ok. I am seeing somone, so that helps alot. I also have learned to push the memory of my X and her mother as far out of my thoughts as possible. I ONLY interact with them as it concerns the kids. She tried just yesterday to bait me into an arguement because she hasnt received the child support. She has lots of money and doenst need it to pay her bills, and she knows the law. So I defered her to the law, and told her to stop harassing me about it. Nice NOT to engage.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Poopah64 said:


> I can totally relate. I had my husband move out in July with both of us hoping it be temporary. I would think it would be harder having him in the house and because there was an alcohol issue, I had no choice but to have him leave. I thought I would be happier with him gone, but not so. I miss him, not the alcohol abuse of course, but I do miss him. Its a process to say the least. I wish you luck!!!


Oh how I wish he was out of the house. I know I will miss him and it will be hard for me at first, but I rather have the peace instead of the every day torment. I don't know if it makes me a horrible person, but sometimes he doesn't come home, I have no idea where he sleeps, and I am nothing but happy. The peace. Oh, how I long for peace.

Poopah, are there any kids involved in your situation? I thankfully, funny how that has changed from sadly to thankfully, do not have any kids, I hear that makes it easier. How has life been for you since he moved out?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Oh, we agreed to no lawyers, and a a civil divorce. Then her friends and lawyer got involved...which I told her they would and she denied she would let them make her that way. My X, though my best friend in marriage, has become my worst enemy. I am convinced she would have done whatever it took to screw me and get as much as she could. It became all about the money. In fact, she is pretty ignorant about the specifics of the divorce, EXCEPT how much money she is supposed to get.
> 
> I am doing ok. I am seeing somone, so that helps alot. I also have learned to push the memory of my X and her mother as far out of my thoughts as possible. I ONLY interact with them as it concerns the kids. She tried just yesterday to bait me into an arguement because she hasnt received the child support. She has lots of money and doenst need it to pay her bills, and she knows the law. So I defered her to the law, and told her to stop harassing me about it. Nice NOT to engage.


Yeah, he agreed to no lawyers and something simple, suddenly he has been dropping hints about the house, how much it cost, his share, what he should get. All about the money from the house. A house he doesn't want, didn't pay for, and doesn't do anything for, until recently, because he is there all the time now. I am convinced he is spying on me even. My best friend thinks, based on the behavior change, that someone is putting ideas in his head, and she thinks I should lawyer up fast. I am waiting until the end of the year, then I will do what has to be done until then I am going by a wait and see approach. Might not be smart, but I refuse to let someone change my plan. 

Happy that you are seeing someone Garry. May they appreciate you and make you happy. 

I long for the day where I do not engage any longer and yet it will make me sad as well.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I know I will  Just a matter of time! I know I'm not alone, I'm sure there are thousands of others who are going through the same thing out there as well as us here at TAM.
> 
> It is hard to detach from a toxic person, but what I need to remember is I'm a toxic person too, or at least, I was. I need to address my own toxicities while detaching from her toxicities.
> 
> You steer your boat, no one else. People can offer advice and opinions, but it's up to you what you do with it!


Well WWB, at least you recognize that you have your own issues to work on and are trying to do that. My H still can't see, from where I stand anyway, what his flaws are.

Yeah I know. Some people give advice though as if they are commands and not advice.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah, he agreed to no lawyers and something simple, suddenly he has been dropping hints about the house, how much it cost, his share, what he should get. All about the money from the house. A house he doesn't want, didn't pay for, and doesn't do anything for, until recently, because he is there all the time now. I am convinced he is spying on me even. My best friend thinks, based on the behavior change, that someone is putting ideas in his head, and she thinks I should lawyer up fast. I am waiting until the end of the year, then I will do what has to be done until then I am going by a wait and see approach. Might not be smart, but I refuse to let someone change my plan.
> 
> Happy that you are seeing someone Garry. May they appreciate you and make you happy.
> 
> I long for the day where I do not engage any longer and yet it will make me sad as well.


Yeah...My X was reminded about her share of the equity etc. She was a SAHM because she HATED working...we could barely afford it, but it was what she wanted. But, soon it became that I was the ogre to make her stay at home, and she dedicated herself to raising "My" kids....so she deserved half. 

It is sad when someone turns on you the way my X did. I miss who she was, but certainly not who she is now. We used to talk/text alot during the day...even hearts and cutsy stuff. Now, my dream is for her to give me full custody and move away so I never have to deal with her or her sorry mother again.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> My H has told me he doesn't want to go to MC because he can figure it all out on his own. He also said he doesn't need to.


This sounds familiar! Mine went to MC but with one foot out the door as you already know.

He thinks I need IC (which may be true) but when I have suggested he does also he just goes silent.

There is nothing wrong with HIM. Only me.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I think this is very common. While he may not have wanted you (confused anyway), you with another is making him jealous and it bothers him.
> 
> I dunno, Im jealous personally. My X showed zero towards me/us/our family, nor did she ever, at any point, want to engage. So, to me, its him showing some remorse about you moving on...or at least a hesitation of some kind. Heck, It would make my day if she EVER showed signs to me of regret or remorse.


Mine has not shown an ounce of regret or remorse either. Not one teeny tiny bit. It's like all of this does not phase him one bit.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I'm sorry he keeps playing these games too. More sorry that I keep falling for it.
> 
> I don't understand why they think they can just say whatever they want. My H is doing all kinds of things, I am not telling him what to do, we are done, live your life and let me live mine. Let me make my own mistakes, and go make your mistakes. Why is this such a hard concept.
> 
> ...


It really stinks for you that he knows all of your personal business and is giving his unwanted opinion on it. Personally, I think all he is trying to do is drag you down.

Is the house in both of your names? Did he help pay for it? It sounded like (in another one of your posts on here) he didn't. Just curious.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

LIMBOLADY said:


> It really stinks for you that he knows all of your personal business and is giving his unwanted opinion on it. Personally, I think all he is trying to do is drag you down.
> 
> Is the house in both of your names? Did he help pay for it? It sounded like (in another one of your posts on here) he didn't. Just curious.


I agree....he sees you moving on, happy, without him. Ego is prob bruised.

Whose name is on the house, or who paid for it is irrelevant....at least in Texas. Everything was considered joint.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> It is sad when someone turns on you the way my X did. I miss who she was, but certainly not who she is now. We used to talk/text alot during the day...even hearts and cutsy stuff. Now, my dream is for her to give me full custody and move away so I never have to deal with her or her sorry mother again.


I sometimes wonder if the person I miss was just an illusion. He is just so different now. Sometimes, when we talk, I see the old him, but very rarely.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> He thinks I need IC (which may be true) but when I have suggested he does also he just goes silent.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with HIM. Only me.


I can relate to this. Mine thought I needed IC (which I go to) but he is perfectly fine.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> It really stinks for you that he knows all of your personal business and is giving his unwanted opinion on it. Personally, I think all he is trying to do is drag you down.
> 
> Is the house in both of your names? Did he help pay for it? It sounded like (in another one of your posts on here) he didn't. Just curious.


He is not just trying to drag me down. He is trying to get in my head, and sometimes it almost works. It takes a lot of effort to stop it. He makes comments about the party guy not being as good looking as him , and how I am just attached to him because it is easy. He says relationships should be difficult (like ours apparently). Mind you, I don't ask him about this stuff or tell him what is going on with the party guy. He just wants to tell me this.

I think he spies on my conversations sometimes. Meanwhile, he is very secretive about his own affairs. 

The house is on both of our names. What feels like a mistake now. I paid for the house. I only added his name because I wanted him to feel included. We use to have an apartment, and that was only in my name, and he always complained about how he felt like it wasn't his place and he wasn't a part of it, of us. So I added his name to the house so he wouldn't feel like he was not a part of it. One of my friends warned me not to do this, when I decided to add him, I guess he could see what I could not at the time.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I agree....he sees you moving on, happy, without him. Ego is prob bruised.
> 
> Whose name is on the house, or who paid for it is irrelevant....at least in Texas. Everything was considered joint.


He told me the other day that he told one of his friends I met someone, and the friend said - good for me - he seemed a little mad about that. The friend told him that he wanted me to move on so he should be happy for me. I agreed.

I think in NY, its the same way, irregardless of who paid for the house, its considered joint. The house is in both of our names. 

Like I said, I am going to apply a wait and see approach. See where he goes with this.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> I sometimes wonder if the person I miss was just an illusion. He is just so different now. Sometimes, when we talk, I see the old him, but very rarely.


Oh , me too. Mine I truly believe is in the thows of a MLC...and in the "fog" she is just so lost and confused. I do strongly believe she will have her turn, full or regret etc, when she realizes what she has done and has to live with. 

But, having seen the other side of her in all this...love is gone, she nausiates me. I dont know if she is that different, but I SURE see her differently...and not in a nice way. Her and her mother who used to call me her "son". She too is just a fraud.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Well WWB, at least you recognize that you have your own issues to work on and are trying to do that. My H still can't see, from where I stand anyway, what his flaws are.
> 
> Yeah I know. Some people give advice though as if they are commands and not advice.


I'm determined to walk away from my M having gained something, if it helps me figure out who I am and become a better person, then that's an outcome I'm happy with.

You'll get a lot of that kind of advice on TAM, I think some people need to recognise that every situation and every person is different. The same approach that they took, isn't always the best one for you to take.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> He is not just trying to drag me down. He is trying to get in my head, and sometimes it almost works. It takes a lot of effort to stop it. He makes comments about the party guy not being as good looking as him , and how I am just attached to him because it is easy. He says relationships should be difficult (like ours apparently). Mind you, I don't ask him about this stuff or tell him what is going on with the party guy. He just wants to tell me this.
> 
> I think he spies on my conversations sometimes. Meanwhile, he is very secretive about his own affairs.
> 
> The house is on both of our names. What feels like a mistake now. I paid for the house. I only added his name because I wanted him to feel included. We use to have an apartment, and that was only in my name, and he always complained about how he felt like it wasn't his place and he wasn't a part of it, of us. So I added his name to the house so he wouldn't feel like he was not a part of it. One of my friends warned me not to do this, when I decided to add him, I guess he could see what I could not at the time.


Holy CRAP!!!!! I can't believe he makes comments like that!!! He sounds pretty darn arrogant!!!!!!!!!

Yeah it probably doesn't matter about the house. It is probably going to be really hard to get him out if he doesn't want to leave.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Holy CRAP!!!!! I can't believe he makes comments like that!!! He sounds pretty darn arrogant!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Yeah it probably doesn't matter about the house. It is probably going to be really hard to get him out if he doesn't want to leave.


I have the house note in my name, her lawyer (and mine) both told us not to leave.....then can push the abandonment claims. I told her to leave, to go be with her BF...she stayed...and legally I could not kick her out.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I'm determined to walk away from my M having gained something, if it helps me figure out who I am and become a better person, then that's an outcome I'm happy with.
> 
> You'll get a lot of that kind of advice on TAM, I think some people need to recognise that every situation and every person is different. The same approach that they took, isn't always the best one for you to take.


Well, I have experienced people giving me their opinion as if its a command more in life than anywhere else. Just this morning my best friend was trying to tell me what to do regarding the situation. 

I have a friend who says - Opinions are like a-holes, everyone has one - I try to remember that and smile politely when friends and family are trying to force their opinions down my throat.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Oh , me too. Mine I truly believe is in the thows of a MLC...and in the "fog" she is just so lost and confused. I do strongly believe she will have her turn, full or regret etc, when she realizes what she has done and has to live with.
> 
> But, having seen the other side of her in all this...love is gone, she nausiates me. I dont know if she is that different, but I SURE see her differently...and not in a nice way. Her and her mother who used to call me her "son". She too is just a fraud.


I think I will get mad if he has his regret moment. I worked so hard for that and wanted that so badly for my relationship to work. I tried so hard and put up with so much. I am finally letting him go and it is and has been hard for me.

I agree. I don't know if he is that different either, but I sure see him differently. Maybe it's not that they change, it's that we do.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Holy CRAP!!!!! I can't believe he makes comments like that!!! He sounds pretty darn arrogant!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Yeah it probably doesn't matter about the house. It is probably going to be really hard to get him out if he doesn't want to leave.


Yeah. He is arrogant. He has developed this over time. A little humility will go a long way for him.

Yup. It will be pretty hard. It finally hit me yesterday, he is not going to leave. He just began to fix things around the house. Yesterday he even organized our living room, I must say, it looks better the way he placed everything, but that's when it hit me, he has no plans of leaving.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I have the house note in my name, her lawyer (and mine) both told us not to leave.....then can push the abandonment claims. I told her to leave, to go be with her BF...she stayed...and legally I could not kick her out.


Yeah. I have told him to leave 1,000 and one times, so far nothing. 

Like I said, I am going to give it some time. See what happens. He has been uneven lately. One day he is extremely nice, the next a complete a-hole.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah. I have told him to leave 1,000 and one times, so far nothing.
> 
> Like I said, I am going to give it some time. See what happens. He has been uneven lately. One day he is extremely nice, the next a complete a-hole.


Yep....my X did that too...still does for that matter....though I do my best to not even talk to her. Time didnt help in my situation. Its gonna take alot more for her to lose her resentment and bitterness she has for me for not thinking the divorce was a fantastic idea i guess.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah. He is arrogant. He has developed this over time. A little humility will go a long way for him.
> 
> Yup. It will be pretty hard. It finally hit me yesterday, he is not going to leave. He just began to fix things around the house. Yesterday he even organized our living room, I must say, it looks better the way he placed everything, but that's when it hit me, he has no plans of leaving.


Yeah my STBX is very arrogant also but in a different way. Mine thinks his opinion or way of doing something is the ONLY way and if you do it any other way than that you are just plain STUPID!

It has to be really hard on you to come to that conclusion - that he isn't going to leave. That may well be a control thing as well.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah. I have told him to leave 1,000 and one times, so far nothing.
> 
> Like I said, I am going to give it some time. See what happens. He has been uneven lately. One day he is extremely nice, the next a complete a-hole.


Do you think there could be a personality disorder with him?


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Do you think there could be a personality disorder with him?


My X goes through these changes too. I think, at least with her, its the guilt she has and built up resentment of me "making her cheat on me" that makes her angry at times. Somewhere down deep he has to know he caused all this, and it puts him in a bad mood. Other times he probably accepts it and is ok with it.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Yeah my STBX is very arrogant also but in a different way. Mine thinks his opinion or way of doing something is the ONLY way and if you do it any other way than that you are just plain STUPID!
> 
> It has to be really hard on you to come to that conclusion - that he isn't going to leave. That may well be a control thing as well.


Oh mine thinks the same thing.

I think it is a control thing. He is going to leave when he is good and ready if at all. I am not that bothered by it anymore. I know eventually I will figure it out and find the answer that works best for me.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Do you think there could be a personality disorder with him?


No. He is just going through the motions. I am sure this is hard on him as well even if he doesn't want to admit it.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> My X goes through these changes too. I think, at least with her, its the guilt she has and built up resentment of me "making her cheat on me" that makes her angry at times. Somewhere down deep he has to know he caused all this, and it puts him in a bad mood. Other times he probably accepts it and is ok with it.


I think that is what it is. Sometimes he knows he caused all of this, and other times he probably accepts it. That's why I think his behavior changes with the day.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

My ex wants it to all be fine....ignore all the pain and hurt she caused. When she is reminded. ..she get very ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

My ex wants it to all be fine....ignore all the pain and hurt she caused. When she is reminded. ..she get very ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> No. He is just going through the motions. I am sure this is hard on him as well even if he doesn't want to admit it.


No, of course they don't want to admit it. Especially when they are the one's that want out and didn't want to try.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> My ex wants it to all be fine....ignore all the pain and hurt she caused. When she is reminded. ..she get very ugly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's how mine is.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Well we finally discussed the house yesterday. He finally, or so he says, realizes that he really isn't going to get anything or shouldn't. But for all I know, he was just trying to obtain information to plan his next move.

It appears nevertheless that somebody is putting ideas in his head. I venture to say there is a woman in the picture. During the conversation, somebody texted him, he picked up his phone, responded, and in 5 minutes went to his basement and locked himself down there. I am thinking somebody wants my house or the money that I put into it.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Oh wow!!!! I really hope that is NOT the case!!!! 

I keep forgetting is your divorce finalized?


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I would say without a doubt, he is going to want "his" share. Just remember, this is war....treat it as such.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Oh wow!!!! I really hope that is NOT the case!!!!
> 
> I keep forgetting is your divorce finalized?


No. Divorce is not finalized. I hope that a lot of things are not the case. Everyday, I see my hope is somewhat misplaced.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I would say without a doubt, he is going to want "his" share. Just remember, this is war....treat it as such.


I am trying not to. If I do, I will go scorched earth and it wont be pretty.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> No. Divorce is not finalized. I hope that a lot of things are not the case. Everyday, I see my hope is somewhat misplaced.


Hope is a scary thing to have in these situations. There were SO many times I had hope over the last year and not a day or two later (sometimes an hour later) the rug would get swept out from under me.

Be careful.......


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> I am trying not to. If I do, I will go scorched earth and it wont be pretty.


I know.I didnt either..dispite her affiar, denial etc., i still was naive. I feel like her and her mother effed me too. Point it, as the process moves along, it gets nastier. I was convinced it would be a civil D....people on here disagreed....and they were 100% correct. Plan for the worst. I even thought about moving my family heirloom type stuff for fear she would take them or ruin them to make a point. Now she just wants to be friends and buddies like none of this all happened? Her mother tells me that she loves me? really? now? after you put me through h3ll? eff no. Fooled me once...wont again.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

First time in maybe a month that I have missed my H. I wish I could tell him that, but I can't. Gotta be strong.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> First time in maybe a month that I have missed my H. I wish I could tell him that, but I can't. Gotta be strong.


Stay strong KS . It's difficult sometimes, but you can do it, you have it in you. 

Do you miss _him_ or the way things _used_ to be between you?


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> First time in maybe a month that I have missed my H. I wish I could tell him that, but I can't. Gotta be strong.


I agree. It will just complicate the issue.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> First time in maybe a month that I have missed my H. I wish I could tell him that, but I can't. Gotta be strong.


Don't do it KS. It will just make you feel worse.

Hang in there!!!!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Stay strong KS . It's difficult sometimes, but you can do it, you have it in you.
> 
> Do you miss _him_ or the way things _used_ to be between you?


I miss him for some reason. I am on an emo streak lately.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I agree. It will just complicate the issue.


And it did. I did have to talk to him about mortgage stuff today, so I reached out for that and nothing else. Once he started asking me about my Halloween I got sucked into a conversation, and a fight shortly ensued, and then I wondered yet again, what the hell is wrong with me and why do I miss this person. This person is not my H. He even embraced the chaos, saying that's who we are now, and that he has embraced that. Why the hell does he want to embrace the chaos?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Don't do it KS. It will just make you feel worse.
> 
> Hang in there!!!!


Thanks LL, Garry and WWB. I didn't tell him I missed him or anything. I just did. Like I said before, I am on an emo streak as of late. Hopefully it passes soon.

As I mentioned, I did reach out because I had to talk about mortgage stuff today, I am not going to be home for a week and I need to have the finances sorted before I go. In any case, a fight shortly followed so that was probably the kick I needed to sober up a bit.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks LL, Garry and WWB. I didn't tell him I missed him or anything. I just did. Like I said before, I am on an emo streak as of late. Hopefully it passes soon.
> 
> As I mentioned, I did reach out because I had to talk about mortgage stuff today, I am not going to be home for a week and I need to have the finances sorted before I go. In any case, a fight shortly followed so that was probably the kick I needed to sober up a bit.


im convinced my X tried to start a fight a couple days ago just to tell herself "see we fought all the time"....which wasnt true at all. I dont engage...best thing i can do.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks LL, Garry and WWB. I didn't tell him I missed him or anything. I just did. Like I said before, I am on an emo streak as of late. Hopefully it passes soon.
> 
> As I mentioned, I did reach out because I had to talk about mortgage stuff today, I am not going to be home for a week and I need to have the finances sorted before I go. In any case, a fight shortly followed so that was probably the kick I needed to sober up a bit.


Probably the week away will do you good!!!! Hang in there!!!!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I miss him for some reason. I am on an emo streak lately.


Emo streaks happen every now and then. I still have them too, but they pass.

Try to tell yourself he's not that man anymore, I find that helps. 

How are you doing now?


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Hey KS,

How are you doing? Are you back yet from your trip? Let us know how you're doing.

LL


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Emo streaks happen every now and then. I still have them too, but they pass.
> 
> Try to tell yourself he's not that man anymore, I find that helps.
> 
> How are you doing now?


Hi WWB, I guess they do pass. I had one yesterday. I guess it is a work in progress.

I am mostly happy and sometimes sad, thanks for asking. Happy that my life is better without him, and sad that it is better without him.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Hey KS,
> 
> How are you doing? Are you back yet from your trip? Let us know how you're doing.
> 
> LL


Hi LL, 

I got back yesterday from my trip. Was pretty tired so did not write.

I had a great time during my time off, came back home happy and relaxed. Don't remember the last time I felt this good.

During my time off I saw the party guy for a few days, and it was great. Everything was 1,000 times better than I imagined it would/could be. It was nice to be treated nice by someone, to be appreciated.

I also went to see a friend, and that was relaxing and fun too. Can't complain about this vacation.

When I got home yesterday I felt kind of weird. I am still struggling with the guilty feelings I feel because I am happy without my H. I feel as if there is something wrong with that. My H and I actually spoke for a bit yesterday, ate together too, he hugged me a few times, and I let him. It was okay. Sad, happy, weird probably best describes it. I guess we both know, in our own way, that it is over, but are both at certain moments, having problems accepting that. 

After we hung out, I unpacked went to my room, and I realized that the feelings I had while I was around him were gone and I was myself again. That's really been my problem for a while with my H, I just can't be myself around him.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

I'm glad you had a good trip KS. Sounds like the time away did you good and helped you come to some realizations.

Welcome back!!!!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Hi WWB, I guess they do pass. I had one yesterday. I guess it is a work in progress.
> 
> I am mostly happy and sometimes sad, thanks for asking. Happy that my life is better without him, and sad that it is better without him.


Hey KS.

Glad you had a good trip! Sounds like you needed it .

The emo streaks will get less and less over time.

I understand what you mean about feeling happy and sad at the same time, for the same reason. I also understand the guilt aspect. What you need to try to remember is that you haven't done anything wrong and the guilt your feeling is nothing more than a remnant of your love for a man who no longer exists. Try your best not to beat yourself up about it


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hey KS.
> 
> Glad you had a good trip! Sounds like you needed it .
> 
> ...


Someone on here said it...its a sadness for what could have been, the great relationship it could have been if the other person actually cared enough to try. Yet, there is happiness to rid yourself of the workload that is trying to convert that person to care.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Someone on here said it...its a sadness for what could have been, the great relationship it could have been if the other person actually cared enough to try. Yet, there is happiness to rid yourself of the workload that is trying to convert that person to care.


:iagree:

Well said.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hey KS.
> 
> Glad you had a good trip! Sounds like you needed it .
> 
> ...


Thanks WWB. I am trying to remember that I didn't do anything wrong. I tried for as long and as hard as I could.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Someone on here said it...its a sadness for what could have been, the great relationship it could have been if the other person actually cared enough to try. Yet, there is happiness to rid yourself of the workload that is trying to convert that person to care.


Well said indeed Garry.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I hope everyone is well. I was sick for a few days after my trip so that's why I wasn't here.

After I got better I found out that it appears my H did indeed carry on an affair. He is still denying it and wont move out of the house. He even referred to the other woman as a swinger and a ***** to try to convince me that there was nothing going on. That's one way to start a relationship I guess. I saw enough on the online conversations they have had to know that yes they were getting it on for quite some time. I was able to send one of the conversations to myself, took all the parts that show their interaction was more than friends, highlighted and left it on his desk, he has not said a word. 

I am upset, was depressed for a whole day about it. Just going over everything in my head. Sometimes I am very upset. Sometimes I don't care. I look at him and I don't even know who I am looking at. It feels weird looking at someone after 13 years and wondering if you ever knew him at all. 

I am mostly upset that he lied to me for so long, and instead of telling the truth, especially now that our marriage is over, I have moved on etc, still wont either leave the house and be with his new woman nor will admit that he did indeed carry on an affair. 

I don't understand why he is still here. Move in with your new girlfriend already and leave me alone.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I was on the couch all day on Saturday. Just couldn't get it all out of my mind. This revelation of the affair probably set me back a month.

Sunday my best friend came over, thank god for good friends. She got me out of the house for the whole day. Today I am at work. Hopefully I wont think about it much.

Funny enough - on Sunday when my best friend came over, I was in the shower, I heard the doorbell but I knew he was home so I thought he would answer, I didn't know she was at the door, turns out he left her outside in the rain. He heard the bell but didn't feel like at least opening the door for her. He blames her for my finding out about the affair, since she was the one who encouraged me to look and he knows that. I don't know if he was trying to prevent a confrontation with her or not, I just thought it was rude.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I was on the couch all day on Saturday. Just couldn't get it all out of my mind. This revelation of the affair probably set me back a month.
> 
> Sunday my best friend came over, thank god for good friends. She got me out of the house for the whole day. Today I am at work. Hopefully I wont think about it much.
> 
> Funny enough - on Sunday when my best friend came over, I was in the shower, I heard the doorbell but I knew he was home so I thought he would answer, I didn't know she was at the door, turns out he left her outside in the rain. He heard the bell but didn't feel like at least opening the door for her. He blames her for my finding out about the affair, since she was the one who encouraged me to look and he knows that. I don't know if he was trying to prevent a confrontation with her or not, I just thought it was rude.


I am so sorry to hear about this KS. I am sorry to say but your X sounds like a tremendous azz!!!!!!!!!!!!! He can't own up to his own horrendous behavior and then hides from your friend. That is what he was doing was hiding.

I hope you have a better day today.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I am so sorry to hear about this KS. I am sorry to say but your X sounds like a tremendous azz!!!!!!!!!!!!! He can't own up to his own horrendous behavior and then hides from your friend. That is what he was doing was hiding.
> 
> I hope you have a better day today.


Thanks LL. Yes he is an azz. When I look at him I try to figure out if he was always this way and I just didn't see it or if he became this way. 

I agree that he can't own up to his behavior. When I found out I confronted him about it, I even told him how I found out, which I admit does not paint me in the best light, told him that now that he has someone he should move out with her, still no movement on that. He told me that he was not with her, that she was a swinger, and that he would never hook up with her, which is contrary to what I found obviously. I was kind enough to leave the paperwork with some of their conversations on his desk with a post-it that said, so much for the truth.

During that confrontation, towards the end, he asked me how dare I let people get in between our marriage (I wish I knew what marriage he is speaking off) and that I was a horrible person. I believe he said I was the worst person he knew. I asked him why if I was such a horrible person he was still talking to me. And he finally left.

Yes he was hiding from her that I know. She said it was probably best he did that because she wasn't going to take any of his crap.

I have so many feelings about him right now. I still love him, but I am very angry, shocked, sad, etc. I wish he wasn't in my house anymore and that I wouldn't have to look at him. Maybe then going through this would be easier. 

I still don't understand why he is still there now that he has somewhere to go.

Like I said, this set me back at least a month.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

It's interesting. I am like two different people right now. On the one hand, I am this sad person in this toxic situation with my STBXH. Stuck in this house. Sad.

On the other hand, I am this happy, calm person looking forward to the future with the party guy. All I want to do is move forward with him, but he is 7 hours away. I wish I could just leave and fully explore that relationship.

I guess I am stuck between the past and the future. What could have been and what could be.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

It's interesting. I am like two different people right now. On the one hand, I am this sad person in this toxic situation with my STBXH. Stuck in this house. Sad.

On the other hand, I am this happy, calm person looking forward to the future with the party guy. All I want to do is move forward with him, but he is 7 hours away. I wish I could just leave and fully explore that relationship.

I guess I am stuck between the past and the future. What could have been and what could be.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks LL. Yes he is an azz. When I look at him I try to figure out if he was always this way and I just didn't see it or if he became this way.
> 
> I agree that he can't own up to his behavior. When I found out I confronted him about it, I even told him how I found out, which I admit does not paint me in the best light, told him that now that he has someone he should move out with her, still no movement on that. He told me that he was not with her, that she was a swinger, and that he would never hook up with her, which is contrary to what I found obviously. I was kind enough to leave the paperwork with some of their conversations on his desk with a post-it that said, so much for the truth.
> 
> ...


Try not to let it set you back!!! I know, easier said than done.

It must be so frustrating to have to see him every day and having these confrontations with him - well no good can come from that. He is trying to hurt your self-esteem and self-worth by saying such awful things to you.

I am really sorry you have to deal with this. Sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave and I know - it should NOT be you. This situation is extremely toxic though.

I just don't understand why he even wants to stay. It's so odd!!!!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Try not to let it set you back!!! I know, easier said than done.
> 
> It must be so frustrating to have to see him every day and having these confrontations with him - well no good can come from that. He is trying to hurt your self-esteem and self-worth by saying such awful things to you.
> 
> ...


Yes, easier said than done. Thank god for the people in my life. They really do help.

Well I told him to move in with his new girl since from the conversations they are talking about it, he came back with, why don't you move in with the party guy. I told him that if I could I would have already. He was silent.

He is the one that has to move. It's not just that this is my house, it's that when its comes to money, I am the one of the two of us that can afford the house alone. He can't. That is the only reason why I haven't moved. If he could afford the house without me, I would have left a long time ago.

I agree that the situation is very toxic. Sometimes I wonder if we are addicted to the toxicity. I don't know if he is trying to hurt me so much as control the situation, control me. Maybe he is trying to do both.

I don't understand why he wants to stay either. It isn't helping at all.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yes, easier said than done. Thank god for the people in my life. They really do help.
> 
> Well I told him to move in with his new girl since from the conversations they are talking about it, he came back with, why don't you move in with the party guy. I told him that if I could I would have already. He was silent.
> 
> ...


Well, if he is talking with Swinger Girl about moving in together, then maybe it will happen. Since it appears that he lies quite a bit, you could come home one day and poof! He is gone. Or maybe he isn't in to her enough to move in with. Just enough to mess around with.

What a mess!!!! I really wish (for your sake) that this doesn't go on much longer.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Well, if he is talking with Swinger Girl about moving in together, then maybe it will happen. Since it appears that he lies quite a bit, you could come home one day and poof! He is gone. Or maybe he isn't in to her enough to move in with. Just enough to mess around with.
> 
> What a mess!!!! I really wish (for your sake) that this doesn't go on much longer.


Swinger girl I like that. I prefer to call her, and whoever was before her, the idiot stick figure with no soul, got it from Sex and the City.

I don't think he will go that far as too poof and be gone, but who knows. I have come to realize he has gotten so good at lying, I can't honestly tell anymore what is truth and what is a lie so I assume everything is a lie. 

I wish it didn't go on for much longer either, but I have a feeling I have at least 3-6 more months before this nightmare is over.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It's natural to be anxious - I haven't been on a "date" as such since my wife left, but I did spend last weekend with a woman, and we went out for dinner together and went out drinking. Whilst this wasn't labelled a "date" I don't really see it as being any different. I had a really good time though and we've agreed to hang out together again soon.
> 
> My wife was my best friend, and that's one of the hardest things about this. I haven't just lost my wife and my lover, I've lost my best friend. It's a massive change in life when that happens, but remember, change isn't good or bad, it just is. It's what you do with the change that determines the outcome.


This is exactly what I feel...not just losing my husband, my lover but my best friend...so sad


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Swinger girl I like that. I prefer to call her, and whoever was before her, the idiot stick figure with no soul, got it from Sex and the City.
> 
> I don't think he will go that far as too poof and be gone, but who knows. I have come to realize he has gotten so good at lying, I can't honestly tell anymore what is truth and what is a lie so I assume everything is a lie.
> 
> I wish it didn't go on for much longer either, but I have a feeling I have at least 3-6 more months before this nightmare is over.


Sex and the City!!!! I miss that show!!!! And I do remember that line! Too funny!!!

I really hope it's not that much longer. 3 to 6 months of this ordeal is scary to even think about.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Swinger girl I like that. I prefer to call her, and whoever was before her, the idiot stick figure with no soul, got it from Sex and the City.
> 
> I don't think he will go that far as too poof and be gone, but who knows. I have come to realize he has gotten so good at lying, I can't honestly tell anymore what is truth and what is a lie so I assume everything is a lie.
> 
> I wish it didn't go on for much longer either, but I have a feeling I have at least 3-6 more months before this nightmare is over.


He prob believes his own lies too...i think my x now believes in all the lies...as if it is the truth. So odd. The waiting is killer though...cause you cant move on when they are in the house with you.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> He prob believes his own lies too...i think my x now believes in all the lies...as if it is the truth. So odd. The waiting is killer though...cause you cant move on when they are in the house with you.


Agreed!!!!!!! No good can come from you both being in that house. I realize there is not much you can do though.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

Hello to KnottedStomach, Limbolady and Garry2012. I have started reading this thread today and I made it to page 7 and then I couldn't take anymore and just had to skip over here to the present. I want to know where you guys are today not back in September! 

I am having a really hard day. I received a draft copy of my divorce papers and I feel like I am going to blow chunks! ... although I am the reason we are getting the divorce. My H wants to TRY and fix US ...


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

No....cant leave and cant stand to be there. Best you can do is basically live separate lives while in the same house. I didnt eat with her (maybe just a couple times), sleep with her, or even talk to her most days....especially after the mediation when she did her best to put the screws to me. It can be done...but its a challenge.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> This is exactly what I feel...not just losing my husband, my lover but my best friend...so sad


Yes. It's even worse when the person morphs into this new person, and takes away the good things about your husband/wife, lover, best friend. In my case, my STBXH was my best friend before we dated, so I have lost a companion and a friend.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Sex and the City!!!! I miss that show!!!! And I do remember that line! Too funny!!!
> 
> I really hope it's not that much longer. 3 to 6 months of this ordeal is scary to even think about.


I have the seasons and have watched it so many times I can quote the whole show practically.

I know. I don't know how I will survive 3-6 more months. I will have to stay super busy I guess. Anything to not be home.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Today, I am good. I have been divorced now for 4 months. I have a woman that I am seeing who really likes me, my kids are for the most part well adjusted (though my oldest still struggles). I got the house since she is the one that wanted out.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Hello to KnottedStomach, Limbolady and Garry2012. I have started reading this thread today and I made it to page 7 and then I couldn't take anymore and just had to skip over here to the present. I want to know where you guys are today not back in September!
> 
> I am having a really hard day. I received a draft copy of my divorce papers and I feel like I am going to blow chunks! ... although I am the reason we are getting the divorce. My H wants to TRY and fix US ...


So you are upset, but you are the one who wants out? Why do you want out so badly? have kids?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> He prob believes his own lies too...i think my x now believes in all the lies...as if it is the truth. So odd. The waiting is killer though...cause you cant move on when they are in the house with you.


Maybe they are going by the George from Seinfeld motto Garry. "It's not a lie if you believe it."

I couldn't believe what he was saying to me and so convincingly . I have proof. I told you I have the proof and you are still going to lie. Wow. Who is this man is all that kept going through my head. I told him that if he was going to lie the better lie would have been - yes I am seeing this girl but it all began after we separated.- But no, he was so adamant that nothing was going on. I mean I saw pictures of her half naked sleeping in a bed next to him, her in her underwear, the conversations, plus what I have already been told from other people, what they have seen, at some point the jig is up.

I am upset, but I have come to realize its not the affair so much that bothers me anymore. It's the lying. He thinks that little of me as a person. I had no idea.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Agreed!!!!!!! No good can come from you both being in that house. I realize there is not much you can do though.


I am going to go and see a lawyer, and review all my options. But for now, besides staying away as much as possible, avoiding any conversation of any kind, there is really nothing much I can do.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Hello to KnottedStomach, Limbolady and Garry2012. I have started reading this thread today and I made it to page 7 and then I couldn't take anymore and just had to skip over here to the present. I want to know where you guys are today not back in September!
> 
> I am having a really hard day. I received a draft copy of my divorce papers and I feel like I am going to blow chunks! ... although I am the reason we are getting the divorce. My H wants to TRY and fix US ...


Hello HNW. Well I think you already know where I am. Met a guy, really like him, he lives 7 hours away which is hard. That is the good.

The bad is everything here about my STBXH.

Do you have a thread I can catch up on. Or you can write it here. You say that you don't want to fix it. How come? And if you are the one who wants it, how come you are upset?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> No....cant leave and cant stand to be there. Best you can do is basically live separate lives while in the same house. I didnt eat with her (maybe just a couple times), sleep with her, or even talk to her most days....especially after the mediation when she did her best to put the screws to me. It can be done...but its a challenge.


Yes I have been doing that for a while. Living separate lives. Although in the past, as I have written here, he would reach out to me to hang out or would sneak in the bed.

When I came back from my trip I was very happy and relaxed and he looked horrible, I felt really bad, so I hung out with him, ate with him and what not. That lasted for about 3 days before we began to argue so I began to stay away. And then I found out about the OW. Since then, besides the confrontation, we have not spoken at all. I think what will be best for me is just to stay away as much as possible. Even while in the house, I am going to start to just stay in my room and if he approaches me put loud music on and walk out of the house.

I am very hurt by what I have found, I will not deny that. It did hurt a lot.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Today, I am good. I have been divorced now for 4 months. I have a woman that I am seeing who really likes me, my kids are for the most part well adjusted (though my oldest still struggles). I got the house since she is the one that wanted out.


Happy to hear you are doing well Garry. 

Does your x still give you a hard time? From what I had read sounds like at times its hard to deal with her.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> I am upset, but I have come to realize its not the affair so much that bothers me anymore. It's the lying. He thinks that little of me as a person. I had no idea.


Thats EXACTLY my issue. I was willing to forgive and move on...but she, to this day, continues to deny deny deny her affair. Its frustrating to me, as i never got the smoking gun evidence you have...but I recorded her talking to her BF on her extra cellphone. She even continues to sit idle as her mother has put me down for the last year, to cover her affair. That lack of integrity and character is most disturbing to me.

In june, she supposedly came up with a "list" of all the things I have done to justify her divorce, she wont tell me what they are, but they are solid reasons for her divorcing me. She is so daft...really? you never mentioned anything concrete and now you have a list? For the 8 months during the divorce it was just that you didnt love me etc...now there is a list? Besides I am the one that filed on her...because of her affair...lol. She needs help. haha


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

I do have a thread you can catch up on...two actually...but real quick let me just throw these facts out there and see what you think 

Oct 31, 2012 - seen match.com up on one of my computers with a username in ready to be logged into. Prompted me to investigate my H's email. This took me to two what appeared to be texts from his phone that had been saved in his email. Two different women's emails, one from 2010 and one from 2012 (this one had three texts total) - I typed in both emails to google.com and found out these emails belonged to escorts. Review phone bills and there were a lot of different #'s for a course of at least two years but appears to be four years...then turns out he had a profile on plenty of fish that was very distraught. He says match.com was an accident he thought he was signing up for a chat room. Neither of the two sites had any activity (communication)


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

He SWEARS to me that he has NEVER had any sexual activity of any type with anyone but me since we have been together (16 yrs) He was just getting his kicks by seeing what these women would say (details on cost, etc of what they do)


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Hello to KnottedStomach, Limbolady and Garry2012. I have started reading this thread today and I made it to page 7 and then I couldn't take anymore and just had to skip over here to the present. I want to know where you guys are today not back in September!
> 
> I am having a really hard day. I received a draft copy of my divorce papers and I feel like I am going to blow chunks! ... although I am the reason we are getting the divorce. My H wants to TRY and fix US ...


Why don't you want to try and work it out?


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

Were you able to read the information I posted?


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> He SWEARS to me that he has NEVER had any sexual activity of any type with anyone but me since we have been together (16 yrs) He was just getting his kicks by seeing what these women would say (details on cost, etc of what they do)


Ok, sorry. I wrote that other post before reading these.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

Limbolady - I can't imagine him having this type of contact with escorts and not ever meeting up with them. I feel he is lying. Then there are the two profiles on the singles websites. The match.com said he was divorced and all kinds of mess. The plenty of fish site was so detailed in what it was he was looking for I can't even type it in this little box. 

I do have two threads if you want to check those out to see where I am in this journey.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

@Limbolady - yeah I thought that might be the case


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Limbolady - I can't imagine him having this type of contact with escorts and not ever meeting up with them. I feel he is lying. Then there are the two profiles on the singles websites. The match.com said he was divorced and all kinds of mess. The plenty of fish site was so detailed in what it was he was looking for I can't even type it in this little box.
> 
> I do have two threads if you want to check those out to see where I am in this journey.


I definitely will check out your original thread. And I agree with you that he is probably lying.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I am going to go and see a lawyer, and review all my options. But for now, besides staying away as much as possible, avoiding any conversation of any kind, there is really nothing much I can do.


I think consulting with an attorney is a good plan!!!!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Thats EXACTLY my issue. I was willing to forgive and move on...but she, to this day, continues to deny deny deny her affair. Its frustrating to me, as i never got the smoking gun evidence you have...but I recorded her talking to her BF on her extra cellphone. She even continues to sit idle as her mother has put me down for the last year, to cover her affair. That lack of integrity and character is most disturbing to me.
> 
> In june, she supposedly came up with a "list" of all the things I have done to justify her divorce, she wont tell me what they are, but they are solid reasons for her divorcing me. She is so daft...really? you never mentioned anything concrete and now you have a list? For the 8 months during the divorce it was just that you didnt love me etc...now there is a list? Besides I am the one that filed on her...because of her affair...lol. She needs help. haha


It's funny though. Even with the smoking gun evidence and I have conversations, eye witnesses, pictures, even have notes, a part of me still wants to believe him. I just want to believe so badly that he wouldn't do that to me. Not my best friend. But the logical part puts it all together and says, are you stupid or something of course it happened.

To me too Garry. The lack of integrity and character is what really hurts me.

Garry she probably wants you to get sucked into her web again.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> I do have a thread you can catch up on...two actually...but real quick let me just throw these facts out there and see what you think
> 
> Oct 31, 2012 - seen match.com up on one of my computers with a username in ready to be logged into. Prompted me to investigate my H's email. This took me to two what appeared to be texts from his phone that had been saved in his email. Two different women's emails, one from 2010 and one from 2012 (this one had three texts total) - I typed in both emails to google.com and found out these emails belonged to escorts. Review phone bills and there were a lot of different #'s for a course of at least two years but appears to be four years...then turns out he had a profile on plenty of fish that was very distraught. He says match.com was an accident he thought he was signing up for a chat room. Neither of the two sites had any activity (communication)


I am not one judge, but my question would be, why have the accounts if you are not doing anything in them. And why was he signing up to a chat room. I mean really, who doesn't know now a days what match.com is about. Can't you wipe the activity on these sites? I would assume so. This sounds very fishy. Maybe he didn't have a physical affair but an emotional one. It just sounds very odd.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> He SWEARS to me that he has NEVER had any sexual activity of any type with anyone but me since we have been together (16 yrs) He was just getting his kicks by seeing what these women would say (details on cost, etc of what they do)


But why get your kicks this way. Especially on match.com where you have to pay. Why not go to a bar, talk to some women, and then go home and call it a day. Sounds fishy to me.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I think consulting with an attorney is a good plan!!!!


Yeah, I was holding off until January, but now I think the sooner the better.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> It's funny though. Even with the smoking gun evidence and I have conversations, eye witnesses, pictures, even have notes, a part of me still wants to believe him. I just want to believe so badly that he wouldn't do that to me. Not my best friend. But the logical part puts it all together and says, are you stupid or something of course it happened.
> 
> To me too Garry. The lack of integrity and character is what really hurts me.
> 
> Garry she probably wants you to get sucked into her web again.


Yeah, me too....she was my best friend, and I would have taken a bullet for her. At this point, I am just waiting for her to exit her mlc so maybe she will admit to it all and we can move on. She will never get me back in her web...im in good shape now...I am fine without her.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> It's funny though. Even with the smoking gun evidence and I have conversations, eye witnesses, pictures, even have notes, a part of me still wants to believe him. I just want to believe so badly that he wouldn't do that to me. Not my best friend. But the logical part puts it all together and says, are you stupid or something of course it happened.
> 
> To me too Garry. The lack of integrity and character is what really hurts me.
> 
> Garry she probably wants you to get sucked into her web again.


This is so absolutely true! I have SOOO MUCH to go off of and I still don't want to believe that he has done these things. I say to myself well what if he is telling the truth and he hasn't slept around with a ton of escorts or whoever???


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> But why get your kicks this way. Especially on match.com where you have to pay. Why not go to a bar, talk to some women, and then go home and call it a day. Sounds fishy to me.


My H stated that he was getting his kicks from the escorts he was calling and texting. He said he would call them and ask them random questions. All I have to say to that BS is you ain't gonna do THAT for multiple years. THAT isn't going to keep you calling and texting these escorts!!!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah, me too....she was my best friend, and I would have taken a bullet for her. At this point, I am just waiting for her to exit her mlc so maybe she will admit to it all and we can move on. She will never get me back in her web...im in good shape now...I am fine without her.


Sorry Garry not up to the language, what is MLC?

I feel the same way. He was my best friend. I would have done anything for him. Now, I don't recognize who I am looking at. I wish she would admit it as well so we can move on.

Good to hear that she wont get you in her web. I am better, but still a work in progress. Although I know that I will be fine.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> This is so absolutely true! I have SOOO MUCH to go off of and I still don't want to believe that he has done these things. I say to myself well what if he is telling the truth and he hasn't slept around with a ton of escorts or whoever???


That's what I tell myself, but then I look at everything I have. I guess its just hard to accept the idea that the ones we love the most are capable of hurting us the most.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> My H stated that he was getting his kicks from the escorts he was calling and texting. He said he would call them and ask them random questions. All I have to say to that BS is you ain't gonna do THAT for multiple years. THAT isn't going to keep you calling and texting these escorts!!!


I agree. That makes no sense.

Seriously, can't these people come up with at least plausible lies.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I agree. That makes no sense.
> 
> Seriously, can't these people come up with at least plausible lies.


It truly makes you question yourself when people come at you with this crazy BS! Are you serious right now? Do you see my face when you say this to me??? LOL:lol:


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> It truly makes you question yourself when people come at you with this crazy BS! Are you serious right now? Do you see my face when you say this to me??? LOL:lol:


Thanks for this comment HNW. Got a laugh out of it first thing in the morning, and that's the best way to start the day, with a smile.

I spoke to the STBXH last night. I don't want to argue with him. Just asked him why is he lying to me. He never answered my question, just continued to deny it. I sat there wanting to believe him, but when I got up everything I know came flooding into my head. 

Part of me is already starting not to care. Although a part of me still hurts. I guess with time it wont matter.

On a side note it appears that he is hung up on the fact that I met someone. Maybe I am over-thinking that one though.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks for this comment HNW. Got a laugh out of it first thing in the morning, and that's the best way to start the day, with a smile.
> 
> I spoke to the STBXH last night. I don't want to argue with him. Just asked him why is he lying to me. He never answered my question, just continued to deny it. I sat there wanting to believe him, but when I got up everything I know came flooding into my head.
> 
> ...


I don't understand how he can deny it when you showed him proof! That has to be so flipping frustrating!!!!!!!!!

What is he doing that makes you think he might be hung up on it?


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Sorry Garry not up to the language, what is MLC?
> 
> I feel the same way. He was my best friend. I would have done anything for him. Now, I don't recognize who I am looking at. I wish she would admit it as well so we can move on.
> 
> Good to hear that she wont get you in her web. I am better, but still a work in progress. Although I know that I will be fine.


Midlife Crises--MLC


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I don't understand how he can deny it when you showed him proof! That has to be so flipping frustrating!!!!!!!!!
> 
> What is he doing that makes you think he might be hung up on it?


It was frustrating. Yesterday when I spoke to him about it again, a part of me just stopped caring. I don't know why but I felt sadness for the whole thing. Just surprised I guess that this is where things have gone.

He asks all the time about the party guy. What does he know? What does he think? What do I tell him/don't tell him. Just think its weird since he is always telling me the party guy doesn't matter.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Midlife Crises--MLC


Thanks for the clarification Garry


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks for this comment HNW. Got a laugh out of it first thing in the morning, and that's the best way to start the day, with a smile.
> 
> I spoke to the STBXH last night. I don't want to argue with him. Just asked him why is he lying to me. He never answered my question, just continued to deny it. I sat there wanting to believe him, but when I got up everything I know came flooding into my head.
> 
> ...


So you showed him pictures of her laying next to him??? Am I missing something? 

I am having a very emotional day for some reason and my H just so happened to call when I was losing it and he was trying to console me as I was trying not to discuss any of the details with him. I was crying so he knew something was up. I believe it's because of the divorce papers being drafted out and my H not knowing about it yet (like it's a secret that I am keeping!). Who knows. My boss was being an ass too earlier so you know...it just all piles on top of each other.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> It was frustrating. Yesterday when I spoke to him about it again, a part of me just stopped caring. I don't know why but I felt sadness for the whole thing. Just surprised I guess that this is where things have gone.
> 
> He asks all the time about the party guy. What does he know? What does he think? What do I tell him/don't tell him. Just think its weird since he is always telling me the party guy doesn't matter.


I would say to him - No comment -


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> So you showed him pictures of her laying next to him??? Am I missing something?
> 
> I am having a very emotional day for some reason and my H just so happened to call when I was losing it and he was trying to console me as I was trying not to discuss any of the details with him. I was crying so he knew something was up. I believe it's because of the divorce papers being drafted out and my H not knowing about it yet (like it's a secret that I am keeping!). Who knows. My boss was being an ass too earlier so you know...it just all piles on top of each other.


I just showed him the conversations. I have a few pictures, one of her sleeping in a bed half naked, he must have taken that one. Told him to give it up already. Nope, he is sticking to his lie I guess. 

You are probably upset because everything is piling on. Just remember, this too shall pass, and give it some time. Like I said in your thread, just remember to do what is best and right for you, what is going to make you happy in the end. That's what matters.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> I would say to him - No comment -


Oh I don't say anything about the party guy or I try not to. Just think its a little funny that he lives inside my STBXH's head rent free. At least that's how it appears.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I just showed him the conversations. I have a few pictures, one of her sleeping in a bed half naked, he must have taken that one. Told him to give it up already. Nope, he is sticking to his lie I guess.
> 
> You are probably upset because everything is piling on. Just remember, this too shall pass, and give it some time. Like I said in your thread, just remember to do what is best and right for you, what is going to make you happy in the end. That's what matters.


Why is it that I always feel like I am running out of time. I'm like okay its November 19, 2013. I have the draft of the divorce papers. All I have to do is sign them and then let him know that they exist and that he needs to sign/pay his part. Gotta hurry its almost Thanksgiving, then it will be my birthday, then Christmas, then New Year's, then my H's birthday....always feel so rushed!!!


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Oh I don't say anything about the party guy or I try not to. Just think its a little funny that he lives inside my STBXH's head rent free. At least that's how it appears.


Yeah that is a little funny. I told my H about a stupid fantasy about a guy in an elevator and he just falls all over that mess and brings it up all the time.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> I would say to him - No comment -


Or how about "none of your darn business'!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously!!!!!


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Yeah that is a little funny. I told my H about a stupid fantasy about a guy in an elevator and he just falls all over that mess and brings it up all the time.


He brings up stuff like that so to not have to acknowledge his own really bad behavior.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Sooooo...i wanna know...how the heck does he justify a women in bed pic? I need to know...gotta be good. 

My X had it easy to deny compared to your stbxh...alot less to deny...and I dont know how she did it...much less your stbxh.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Why is it that I always feel like I am running out of time. I'm like okay its November 19, 2013. I have the draft of the divorce papers. All I have to do is sign them and then let him know that they exist and that he needs to sign/pay his part. Gotta hurry its almost Thanksgiving, then it will be my birthday, then Christmas, then New Year's, then my H's birthday....always feel so rushed!!!


It's probably because you haven't fully made up your mind about what you want to do. Just think about what you want to do and once you are sure just go with that. There is no right or wrong answer, just what you can live with.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Or how about "none of your darn business'!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Seriously!!!!!


I try to. Sometimes I get sucked into the conversation though. It's hard to walk away even if you know you should.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> He brings up stuff like that so to not have to acknowledge his own really bad behavior.


I agree.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> Sooooo...i wanna know...how the heck does he justify a women in bed pic? I need to know...gotta be good.
> 
> My X had it easy to deny compared to your stbxh...alot less to deny...and I dont know how she did it...much less your stbxh.


He didn't. He said he didn't know what picture I was talking about.

On the rest he laughs. He says the girl is a swinger who sleeps around and that he would never sleep with someone like that. I think its wonderful his high opinion of her. I asked about all the I love yous, he says he says that to everyone, news to me. In the end the conversations and what he is saying just don't match. 

And there are other things, like a friend telling me months ago that she saw him making out with this girl, that was the day I told him I was truly done trying to even fix things. There are tons of pictures of them together, holding hands, she is sitting on top of him, etc. Also conversations between his new friends and himself where he talks about her and about how they are going to events together. I am sure those friends have never heard about me and think that is his girlfriend. I could go on. I would say this has been going on for at least 6 months.

What I also noticed from the conversations is that he lies to her, but I am not surprised. Although she knows about me, that is clear, I guess she just didn't care.

I honestly don't know who I am married to. I overheard a conversation between them yesterday and it is clear he is planning his exit strategy. I think LL was right, he might just up and leave one day. Apparently that is what my 13 years have gotten me. 

It would be nice to truly know the truth.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> He didn't. He said he didn't know what picture I was talking about.
> 
> On the rest he laughs. He says the girl is a swinger who sleeps around and that he would never sleep with someone like that. I think its wonderful his high opinion of her. I asked about all the I love yous, he says he says that to everyone, news to me. In the end the conversations and what he is saying just don't match.
> 
> ...


WOW that is Ludacris! So why haven't you divorced him or have you spoke to an attorney?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> WOW that is Ludacris! So why haven't you divorced him or have you spoke to an attorney?


Honestly, because I didn't want to. I guess I hoped that we would be able to work things out. 

Also, my self esteem was not in the greatest of shape. I only see things now clearly because a lot of what I was going through is out of the way.

Lastly, I am waiting for the end of the year, call it my OCD, but I do our taxes and it would be much easier at this point to just file together for this year. I am going to look for a lawyer and start getting everything together to file at the very start of 2014.

And there was also the house, the great contention.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Even with everything that I know, a part of me still wants to believe that he wouldn't do that to me.


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Even with everything that I know, a part of me still wants to believe that he wouldn't do that to me.


Yep I am right there with you


----------



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

I need to save the 180...can someone tell me how to find it on here????


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I filed on my x a year ago next week...took us 7 months to finalize. She couldn't wait. But I filed as married filing joint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> I need to save the 180...can someone tell me how to find it on here????


Here you go - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Yep I am right there with you


The thing is that I think he is still telling the truth about some of it. We have been separated for months, I know logically that it is possible that he didn't cheat or actually get together with anyone until after we separated. I have no proof either way. I guess I will never know the truth for sure. Either way, I realize that it doesn't really matter. That is the past, digging into it further is just getting stuck in the past.

Gotta move forward.

We did speak yesterday and have been friendly since. I think we are both sad our marriage is ending, which is the cause of our fighting. At the same time, we maybe can be friends. I think its weird how our friendship, we were friends before we got together, remains solid, despite our marriage falling apart.

I am just happy right now that I seem to be in a better place.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> I filed on my x a year ago next week...took us 7 months to finalize. She couldn't wait. But I filed as married filing joint.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Garry you filed? Confused.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> He didn't. He said he didn't know what picture I was talking about.
> 
> On the rest he laughs. He says the girl is a swinger who sleeps around and that he would never sleep with someone like that. I think its wonderful his high opinion of her. I asked about all the I love yous, he says he says that to everyone, news to me. In the end the conversations and what he is saying just don't match.
> 
> ...


KS, I doubt you are ever going to get the truth. No more than any of us are.

My STBXH makes up the oddest excuses to stop by. Yesterday it was a bag of quasi x rated stuff. He said he thought I would think that was funny! Really?????

We ended up talking about us a little bit and he says and I quote if we hadn't ended when we did, infidelity would have been next. I was like, maybe for YOU it would have been!!!!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> KS, I doubt you are ever going to get the truth. No more than any of us are.
> 
> My STBXH makes up the oddest excuses to stop by. Yesterday it was a bag of quasi x rated stuff. He said he thought I would think that was funny! Really?????
> 
> We ended up talking about us a little bit and he says and I quote if we hadn't ended when we did, infidelity would have been next. I was like, maybe for YOU it would have been!!!!


On behavior, your STBXH and my STBXH are a lot alike. 

Yeah, obviously he is saying for him.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> KS, I doubt you are ever going to get the truth. No more than any of us are.
> 
> My STBXH makes up the oddest excuses to stop by. Yesterday it was a bag of quasi x rated stuff. He said he thought I would think that was funny! Really?????
> 
> We ended up talking about us a little bit and he says and I quote if we hadn't ended when we did, infidelity would have been next. I was like, maybe for YOU it would have been!!!!


Huh, funny. My STBXW said to me that if she hadn't left me she would have ended up cheating on me at some point. I calmly reminded her that cheating is a choice, not an inevitability. She didn't like it.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Garry you filed? Confused.


Little confusing. Yes I filed for D a year ago tomorrow. But I filed our taxes as joint....so you dont have to wait to divorce based on taxes.


----------



## missionrob (Nov 20, 2013)

Hello,
i was delivered the depressing news back in January of this year that my wife of 23 years, together for 30 years had told me that she did not know if she wanted to be married anymore. She claimed she needed time and space to figure things out and that the best thing would be for me to move out so she could get that space. 
i moved out of our bedroom and downstairs to a spare room and tried to live a somewhat co inhabitant life with her and our 2 children. btw, i child is 20, the second is 15. 
I am a disabled person and have had my colon removed as a result of a infection that went cancerous and as a result i am not able to work like i used to, so i became a stay at home dad, taking care of the house, doing the grocery shopping and making dinners, breakfasts, and lunches..etc..etc.

anyways, so after a few months she has given me a few low blows as to saying " she is a different person now, she has grown into a more professional type person as her class level is up here, and my class level is still down here" type statement.

mind you we started dating when she was 17, and i was 22. We have had our share of martial issues in the past, but never cheated on each other.Well on Memorial day weekend she asked to to leave the house as me being around her was not working out so i did as she asked and moved out. 

well i have been doing a lot of reading and learning about bettering myself through self help books and have found that a lot of them are pretty good and some are total garbage. After about a few months of the no contact rule, and devoting time for myself, i decided to ask my wife out for a lunch date, which she did agree to. We met up and were having a great lunch, i did bring her flowers and did complement her on her appearance, as she always looks really nice anyways, and about 45 minutes into it she dropped the BOMB.... i was floored....she said " I do not want to be married anymore". I couldnt believe my ears, as i was not expecting that response at all, i was kind of thinking she would have wanted to at least try some sort of counciling, nope nothing...she wanted out. I still to this day still believe that our marriage is salvageable, or at least i hope and pray regularly that things can turn around. I get a lot of helpful feedback from my faterh in-law who too is in complete shock.

am i just in denial or does anyone think things can be repaired...anybody been in this prediciment before who could offer some advise?


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> On behavior, your STBXH and my STBXH are a lot alike.
> 
> Yeah, obviously he is saying for him.


Yeah, it would seem so. He was trying to say that infidelity is just a symptom that something else is wrong in the marriage.

I swear I have heard that in a movie. Harry met Sally maybe? :scratchhead:


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Huh, funny. My STBXW said to me that if she hadn't left me she would have ended up cheating on me at some point. I calmly reminded her that cheating is a choice, not an inevitability. She didn't like it.


Yeah I said something similar. He didn't like it either. Interesting!


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

(


KnottedStomach said:


> Even with everything that I know, a part of me still wants to believe that he wouldn't do that to me.


I know. None of this is very much fun!!!!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Hey KS,

Haven't seen you post anywhere for a while. I hope all is well.

WWB


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hey KS,
> 
> Haven't seen you post anywhere for a while. I hope all is well.
> 
> WWB


Hey WWB, 

I was just about to write on your thread, saw the new developments with you and your STBX. Thanks for checking in on me. I am okay for the most part. Trying to deal with everything that is going on. Today particularly is a rough day for me. What my H did is on my mind. Also on my mind, all the wonderful trust issues and then some that I have, especially with the party guy. I am all kinds of paranoid about everything with the party guy, even though I have no reason to be. I guess the closer I get to him the more paranoid I get.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Hey WWB,
> 
> I was just about to write on your thread, saw the new developments with you and your STBX. Thanks for checking in on me. I am okay for the most part. Trying to deal with everything that is going on. Today particularly is a rough day for me. What my H did is on my mind. Also on my mind, all the wonderful trust issues and then some that I have, especially with the party guy. I am all kinds of paranoid about everything with the party guy, even though I have no reason to be. I guess the closer I get to him the more paranoid I get.


Yeah, lots of developments on my end .

Is there any reason that today is particularly bad, other than it just being bad? I have random bad days, but certain occasions, anniversaries, birthdays and so on I find particularly difficult.

I think the trust issues are very natural after suffering such hurt, I know that when I meet someone, it will be extremely difficult to trust them. It's a self-preservation mechanism. Just try to remind yourself that Party Guy isn't your H, and he hasn't betrayed your trust the way your H has. The reason you get more paranoid as you get closer, is because as your feelings develop, so does the fear. It's really tough.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Yeah, lots of developments on my end .
> 
> Is there any reason that today is particularly bad, other than it just being bad? I have random bad days, but certain occasions, anniversaries, birthdays and so on I find particularly difficult.
> 
> I think the trust issues are very natural after suffering such hurt, I know that when I meet someone, it will be extremely difficult to trust them. It's a self-preservation mechanism. Just try to remind yourself that Party Guy isn't your H, and he hasn't betrayed your trust the way your H has. The reason you get more paranoid as you get closer, is because as your feelings develop, so does the fear. It's really tough.


No. There is no particular reason why today is bad. I just have random thoughts pop into my mind that upset me and bring to light more about the affair. Tomorrow being Thanksgiving and me having to go to a family function probably doesn't help.

Yeah it is tough. Him being 7+ hours away doesn't help either. This distance is surely an exerciser for me. An exercise in patience and trust. Me not like.

The party guy has also withdrawn a bit in the last two days. He says everything is fine, but I can tell, he is struggling with some things as well. I am going to practice in giving him some space, hopefully things settle down a bit.

Maybe its just the holidays. They can be tough. I am almost tempted to go see him on Saturday, but at the same time I don't want to be irrational, then again irrational is what I am good at.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> No. There is no particular reason why today is bad. I just have random thoughts pop into my mind that upset me and bring to light more about the affair. Tomorrow being Thanksgiving and me having to go to a family function probably doesn't help.
> 
> Yeah it is tough. Him being 7+ hours away doesn't help either. This distance is surely an exerciser for me. An exercise in patience and trust. Me not like.
> 
> ...


Just "one of those days" then? I'm actually celebrating Thanksgiving for the first time in my life this year. We don't do thanksgiving in Britain, but where I live I'm surrounded by USAF airbases. There's a very heavy American presence around here. An American friend of mine & my sisters has invited me & her over for Thanksgiving, so I thought I'd take her up on the offer! 

Many years ago, I got involved with someone who lived 3 hours away, I couldn't afford to visit her regularly, so I understand the challenges of distance. The patience required is phenomenal. One of my friends is engaged to girl who lives in Washington D.C. He lives in the south of England, they spend a couple of months together each year! He's finally been granted his Visa to work in the U.S.A, now he just needs to find a job!

Sorry to hear the party guy has withdrawn a bit, the distance and complexity of the situation is probably difficult for him. He sounds like a great guy though so try not to worry too much!

If you want to go see him, and he's free, then why not go see him?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Just "one of those days" then? I'm actually celebrating Thanksgiving for the first time in my life this year. We don't do thanksgiving in Britain, but where I live I'm surrounded by USAF airbases. There's a very heavy American presence around here. An American friend of mine & my sisters has invited me & her over for Thanksgiving, so I thought I'd take her up on the offer!
> 
> Many years ago, I got involved with someone who lived 3 hours away, I couldn't afford to visit her regularly, so I understand the challenges of distance. The patience required is phenomenal. One of my friends is engaged to girl who lives in Washington D.C. He lives in the south of England, they spend a couple of months together each year! He's finally been granted his Visa to work in the U.S.A, now he just needs to find a job!
> 
> ...


Yes. Like the song - It's just one of those days that a girl goes through.

Sounds good on the thanksgiving. I hope its a good one. Holidays are tough here that's for sure. Family, questions, being far from the one you want to be with.

Yeah. I have never done long distance. Like I said, its an exercise in patience, which is not something I have much of.

One of my close friends told me the same thing, not to worry so much. That this is all probably hard on him as well. And to just be understanding. Maybe if I am relaxed and understanding, he will open up and talk to me about his concerns. I am working on it.

I want to go see him, but I am not keen on going this weekend, its one of the worst weekends to travel. I will come up with something creative eventually.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yes. Like the song - It's just one of those days that a girl goes through.
> 
> Sounds good on the thanksgiving. I hope its a good one. Holidays are tough here that's for sure. Family, questions, being far from the one you want to be with.
> 
> ...


I know it's not quite the same, but could you two talk over Skype?

The long distance thing will get easier, and it won't be LD forever, it's all a waiting game unfortunately. But, if the feelings are there, the feelings are there and you'll both make it work for as long as you need to.

You could try talking to him about his concerns? Ask him about them?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I know it's not quite the same, but could you two talk over Skype?
> 
> The long distance thing will get easier, and it won't be LD forever, it's all a waiting game unfortunately. But, if the feelings are there, the feelings are there and you'll both make it work for as long as you need to.
> 
> You could try talking to him about his concerns? Ask him about them?


We do skype when we can. Mostly, the problem lately is that his work schedule changed, which we thought would be better but has turned out to be worse. I am sure we will figure something out. It's just a bump right now and can be frustrating at times.

Hopefully it will progress to something better. Just today he was talking about when one of us moves, that sounds promising. I first need to get this divorce and moving situation completed, but it's nice that he thinks about a future with me.

I already talked to him about it, he doesn't want to talk about it, so I am going to leave it alone. I am sure he will talk to me about it when he is ready.

Mostly, I just worry about how what I am going through affects him. Time will tell how all of this evolve.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> We do skype when we can. Mostly, the problem lately is that his work schedule changed, which we thought would be better but has turned out to be worse. I am sure we will figure something out. It's just a bump right now and can be frustrating at times.
> 
> Hopefully it will progress to something better. Just today he was talking about when one of us moves, that sounds promising. I first need to get this divorce and moving situation completed, but it's nice that he thinks about a future with me.
> 
> ...


Changes to any schedule are always stressful and have an impact on other aspects of life. You will figure something out between you if you truly want to be together!

Wow, that's amazing that he's talking of that level of commitment and a future with you. I believe that everything happens for a reason, maybe this is it? I know what the reason for my break up was - for myself that is, and that's to become the man I always envisioned myself being.

You're right, when he's ready he will talk to you. Until then, more patience is required sadly.

Time will indeed tell, but he sounds look a good man, with integrity. I'm certain he'll stick by you through thick and thin.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Changes to any schedule are always stressful and have an impact on other aspects of life. You will figure something out between you if you truly want to be together!
> 
> Wow, that's amazing that he's talking of that level of commitment and a future with you. I believe that everything happens for a reason, maybe this is it? I know what the reason for my break up was - for myself that is, and that's to become the man I always envisioned myself being.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your words WWB. They help so much. Especially with all the wonderful paranoia I have due to how things have gone between my STBXH and I.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Thanks for your words WWB. They help so much. Especially with all the wonderful paranoia I have due to how things have gone between my STBXH and I.


No problem  Glad they are of use.

The paranoia is understandable, I think we all will suffer with that when moving in to a new relationship. It will pass in time. 

Remember that our trust, faith and beliefs about relationships have been shaken to their very core, it's going to take time to get that back.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Hey KS,

Sorry I've been MIA for a while. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and are doing well.

LL


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Hey KS,
> 
> Sorry I've been MIA for a while. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and are doing well.
> 
> LL


Hi LL. It was actually a very nice thanksgiving. My cousins were hysterical this year. 

I am doing okay. Had some problems with party guy, but things are at least better this week, will be going to see him this weekend, looking forward to getting away for a few days.

Have been getting along with my STBXH recently. I wonder sometimes if that is a good or bad thing. Why bad - he didn't come home last night - like I have said before, this is not a new development - in any case, first time in a while it bothered me. Did I mention he found me here and read my thread. 

How was your thanksgiving LL? What is new with you?


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Just sent you a PM.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Just sent you a PM.


LL, I just responded. Please let me know if you got it, I was having technical difficulties so I might have sent it twice or not at all.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

I got it. But it did come through twice.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

how in the world did he find your thread? did he know you were posting etc?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I got it. But it did come through twice.


Sorry about that.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> how in the world did he find your thread? did he know you were posting etc?


I don't know. Did not ask. Was surprised.

Educated guess - Web history. 

I am more surprised that he recognized not just my thread, but who I was in the thread. My screen-name is not something that means anything to me or would pop out in any way. Kudos for being accurate on my story, I guess?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> how in the world did he find your thread? did he know you were posting etc?


BTW - How are you doing Garry? How was your thanksgiving?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Hi LL. It was actually a very nice thanksgiving. My cousins were hysterical this year.
> 
> I am doing okay. Had some problems with party guy, but things are at least better this week, will be going to see him this weekend, looking forward to getting away for a few days.
> 
> ...


Hey KS,

It sucks that he found your thread, but I guess he can't chastise you for seeking support at a time like this. I'm not going to lie, there have been times when I've even thought about sending STBXW a link to my thread, but it would serve no purpose really.

I hope things are better with the party guy, and I hope you have a good time when you go to see him!

As for getting along with your STBXH, I think that's both a good and a bad thing. From my perspective, it's good that things are amicable and it may make this whole process easier. Bad that it's more difficult to detach from someone you're getting along well with, especially someone you've had such a strong emotional connection with.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Sorry about that.


No worries. Not a big deal at all.

Hope your day is going well so far!!!!!


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

As for getting along with your STBXH, I think that's both a good and a bad thing. From my perspective, it's good that things are amicable and it may make this whole process easier. Bad that it's more difficult to detach from someone you're getting along well with, especially someone you've had such a strong emotional connection with.[/QUOTE]

:iagree:


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hey KS,
> 
> It sucks that he found your thread, but I guess he can't chastise you for seeking support at a time like this. I'm not going to lie, there have been times when I've even thought about sending STBXW a link to my thread, but it would serve no purpose really.
> 
> ...


His response was that since I went through his computer to find proof of an affair while we were still together, it is only fair that he be allowed to go through my computer.

I am not going to lie, at first it did bother me, and I did feel a little violated, but I decided rather quickly that it didn't matter. Maybe it helps him in his future.

Things are rocky with the party guy, but they have improved. He is communicating a little more, just not at the level that I want. I am not that worried about it anymore, I figured now that I am going there on Friday I can address when I am there.

I agree with you on the last part. It is difficult and can be confusing at times.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WWB - I went to your thread, but I couldn't find how your thanksgiving was. I know you are in the UK and you don't celebrate it there, but you said you would be celebrating thanksgiving with a family there. How was it?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

:iagree:[/QUOTE]

I second LL!


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> No worries. Not a big deal at all.
> 
> Hope your day is going well so far!!!!!


It's quiet at the moment.

How r things with you LL?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> His response was that since I went through his computer to find proof of an affair while we were still together, it is only fair that he be allowed to go through my computer.
> 
> I am not going to lie, at first it did bother me, and I did feel a little violated, but I decided rather quickly that it didn't matter. Maybe it helps him in his future.
> 
> ...


Hmm, was it Ghandi that said "An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind"? I don't agree with his reasoning. Suspecting an affair is a good reason, just doing it to be on par is not. My STBXW read my journal, I felt hugely violated. I didn't go snooping through her stuff though to make things "even".

Sorry to hear things are rocky, but I'm happy they are improving. Long distance is never easy and not for the faint hearted. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on friday .

Yep, it's confusing. I've been a lot more clear-headed since I cut STBXW out of my life.



> WWB - I went to your thread, but I couldn't find how your thanksgiving was. I know you are in the UK and you don't celebrate it there, but you said you would be celebrating thanksgiving with a family there. How was it?


Thanksgiving was good thanks, I ate way too much American food, and met some new people. One of which was my sister's ex-housemate's mother (if that makes sense?) who had flown over from Colorado to spend thanksgiving with her daughter. When I left her mother insisted on hugging me, and she hugged me a little bit _too_ tight and for _too_ long. I must be cougar bait haha!

How was your thanksgiving KS?


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> It's quiet at the moment.
> 
> How r things with you LL?


Pretty good KS. I can't complain. Well, I could but who would listen? Ha! Ha!!!

Trying to figure out X-mas cards. STBXH suggested we do the usual family card (all pictures of our kids usually) and just sign our first names. I was like uh, yeah no!!! What the heck kind of message does that send??? Today I emailed him and said, we have to do our own cards. I am going to send mine with a picture of me and the boy's. We are not a family anymore. I'm not going to spend hours creating a card that is fake. Anyway, he agreed with my plan. 

Okay, sorry for the rant. So what do you think is going on with Party Guy? Do you feel like he is pulling back or something?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hmm, was it Ghandi that said "An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind"? I don't agree with his reasoning. Suspecting an affair is a good reason, just doing it to be on par is not. My STBXW read my journal, I felt hugely violated. I didn't go snooping through her stuff though to make things "even".
> 
> Sorry to hear things are rocky, but I'm happy they are improving. Long distance is never easy and not for the faint hearted. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on friday .
> 
> ...


I think that saying is older than Ghandi WWB. I understand what you are saying, but that was his reasoning, to each his own I guess.

Yeah. I am not as worried anymore about the party guy, I think with a little communication things will be okay. Since I told him I was going up this weekend, he has slowly gone back to his old self or at least to who he has always been with me, but we still have to talk about what exactly was going on.

I am sure it is clearer. At least from your thread, you sound like night and day sometimes. I am happy for you that you are moving on.  You are young and will bounce back nicely with somebody who appreciates you.

The holidays are tough, maybe she was lonely. Nothing wrong with being admired by an older woman .

My thanksgiving was good, thanks for asking. I spent it with some family (mom, sister, cousins, aunts, etc.) My cousins were hilarious. Although everyone, except my mother she is the only one who knows, kept asking me about my STBXH. Luckily he was sleeping when I left so I just told them he was sleeping, which was the truth, so I dodge having to go into detail about my situation for a little longer.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Pretty good KS. I can't complain. Well, I could but who would listen? Ha! Ha!!!
> 
> Trying to figure out X-mas cards. STBXH suggested we do the usual family card (all pictures of our kids usually) and just sign our first names. I was like uh, yeah no!!! What the heck kind of message does that send??? Today I emailed him and said, we have to do our own cards. I am going to send mine with a picture of me and the boy's. We are not a family anymore. I'm not going to spend hours creating a card that is fake. Anyway, he agreed with my plan.
> 
> Okay, sorry for the rant. So what do you think is going on with Party Guy? Do you feel like he is pulling back or something?


LL it is not complaining. It is just saying how you feel, and you are free to do that here any time .

I think your plan on the xmas cards is well reasoned. 

Please LL, rant all you want. I like to hear how you guys are all doing.

I think he is/was/is a little overwhelmed by the situation. He is dating a married woman who still lives with her H, although separated. It takes a lot of trust to believe the person you are dating in this situation is indeed telling you the truth. I could see how it could get to a person. So he withdrew. That's my guess. But I am not a fan of reading minds. I hope to discuss things with him when I am there this weekend. Right now (since he found out I was going to see him this weekend) he is communicating normally.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I think that saying is older than Ghandi WWB. I understand what you are saying, but that was his reasoning, to each his own I guess.
> 
> Yeah. I am not as worried anymore about the party guy, I think with a little communication things will be okay. Since I told him I was going up this weekend, he has slowly gone back to his old self or at least to who he has always been with me, but we still have to talk about what exactly was going on.
> 
> ...


Yeah it probably is, I'm no good with quoting people . 

Glad things seem to be on the up with party guy  it's good that you aren't worried! I'm sure he's probably just finding the distance a bit difficult and all will be good when you go see him. I hope your chat goes well .

Yeah it is clearer indeed, I still have my dark days, but they pass and I get on with life. Thanks, I hope you're right, but even if I don't I can still be happy by myself!

Haha perhaps, we have quite a heavy American population where I live due to USAF bases _everywhere_ around us. I know a lot of american women like British accents, maybe it was that .

Glad your thanksgiving was good, and I'm glad you were able to dodge those awkward questions. I don't like those very much. I never really know what to say, so when people ask me how STBXW is I just say "no idea" and leave it at that haha.


----------



## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

KS,

Have fun this weekend!!!! Let us know how it goes!!!!

LL


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> KS,
> 
> Have fun this weekend!!!! Let us know how it goes!!!!
> 
> LL


Hey LL, how r things with you, work, home, children, etc?

I was off for about a week, need time to regroup or just time off.

I did have fun, and the party guy and I are okay. I think it's more the long distance thing than anything else. It is hard on both of us, but we are working on it.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Glad your thanksgiving was good, and I'm glad you were able to dodge those awkward questions. I don't like those very much. I never really know what to say, so when people ask me how STBXW is I just say "no idea" and leave it at that haha.


LOL WWB! I might start using that when people ask me about him.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Hey LL, how r things with you, work, home, children, etc?
> 
> I was off for about a week, need time to regroup or just time off.
> 
> I did have fun, and the party guy and I are okay. I think it's more the long distance thing than anything else. It is hard on both of us, but we are working on it.


Hey KS,

Haven't seen you posting in a while! Glad things are ok for you and the party guy .


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hey KS,
> 
> Haven't seen you posting in a while! Glad things are ok for you and the party guy .


Yeah! I was off the grid for a bit. I think it was the STBXH looking things up here that spooked me for a bit.

Yeah, party guy and I are good. I realized, when I went to see him, that he is afraid and has his own insecurities about the situation with us. He did call me his gf. Albeit not to me, but I heard him say it. It was nice to be looked upon as someone's gf. I am not into labels right now, but I am happy that he looks at me in that way.

How r things with you? From the look on your thread, they are good, until you beat yourself up.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah! I was off the grid for a bit. I think it was the STBXH looking things up here that spooked me for a bit.
> 
> Yeah, party guy and I are good. I realized, when I went to see him, that he is afraid and has his own insecurities about the situation with us. He did call me his gf. Albeit not to me, but I heard him say it. It was nice to be looked upon as someone's gf. I am not into labels right now, but I am happy that he looks at me in that way.
> 
> How r things with you? From the look on your thread, they are good, until you beat yourself up.


I thought that may have been what happened! I would have been spooked too.

Yeah it must be difficult for him, he's clearly into you and you're still living with a man you were in love with for a very long time, that's got to cause some anxieties. I'm glad he thinks of you in that way though! That's awesome .

Things with me are mostly good, had a bad couple of days but I'm sure they'll get better again. I've forgiven myself for breaking NC. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but it's done now!


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah! I was off the grid for a bit. I think it was the STBXH looking things up here that spooked me for a bit.
> 
> Yeah, party guy and I are good. I realized, when I went to see him, that he is afraid and has his own insecurities about the situation with us. He did call me his gf. Albeit not to me, but I heard him say it. It was nice to be looked upon as someone's gf. I am not into labels right now, but I am happy that he looks at me in that way.
> 
> How r things with you? From the look on your thread, they are good, until you beat yourself up.


There are those who are spooked by someone who is still going through D, or just out of one. I ran into that alot.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I thought that may have been what happened! I would have been spooked too.
> 
> Yeah it must be difficult for him, he's clearly into you and you're still living with a man you were in love with for a very long time, that's got to cause some anxieties. I'm glad he thinks of you in that way though! That's awesome .
> 
> Things with me are mostly good, had a bad couple of days but I'm sure they'll get better again. I've forgiven myself for breaking NC. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but it's done now!


Yeah. I think it is difficult for him. He tries to mask it, which is easy to do when I am not around, but when I am there, I can see/hear, if ever so subtly the concerns.

I hear that. I am going through a tough week. Keep having nightmares. Tossing and turning. Got a lot on my mind.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> There are those who are spooked by someone who is still going through D, or just out of one. I ran into that alot.


Hey Garry! Good to see you on here.

I don't think party guy is spooked. I do think he has his moments though.

How have you been?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Yeah. I think it is difficult for him. He tries to mask it, which is easy to do when I am not around, but when I am there, I can see/hear, if ever so subtly the concerns.
> 
> I hear that. I am going through a tough week. Keep having nightmares. Tossing and turning. Got a lot on my mind.


I guess all you can do is keep reassuring him. I'm sure that things will get easier for both of you in time .

I often have nightmares about STBXW, it's to be expected I guess. They are unpleasant, but they are better than the nice dreams I have about her. Sometimes I dream that we are together and blissfully happy, then I wake up and it's not real. I'll take the nightmares any day.

If you've got a lot on your mind, TAM is a pretty good place to share it .


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I guess all you can do is keep reassuring him. I'm sure that things will get easier for both of you in time .
> 
> I often have nightmares about STBXW, it's to be expected I guess. They are unpleasant, but they are better than the nice dreams I have about her. Sometimes I dream that we are together and blissfully happy, then I wake up and it's not real. I'll take the nightmares any day.
> 
> If you've got a lot on your mind, TAM is a pretty good place to share it .


I have to give party guy credit. He trust me, way more than I trust him. I guess the world is different once someone has betrayed your trust. 

I am not very patient. So this is surely an exercise for me in waiting for things to settle with my STBXH, and seeing where things go with party guy. 

I don't remember the last nightmare I had with STBXH or good dream for that matter. I mostly just have dreams about the uncertainty of my future, as it is right now. Don't like this unsettling feeling.

Thanks WWB. Thankfully I have therapy today. That ought to help.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I have to give party guy credit. He trust me, way more than I trust him. I guess the world is different once someone has betrayed your trust.
> 
> I am not very patient. So this is surely an exercise for me in waiting for things to settle with my STBXH, and seeing where things go with party guy.
> 
> ...


We betrayed live in a different world to those who haven't endured that pain, it's a sad truth. 

The only way to become patient is to exercise patience  You'll do just fine I'm sure. Sometimes it's difficult to be patient.

Something I've learned from all of this - no matter how secure you may feel, your future is always uncertain. Our situation is a prime example - me for example, I was married to the "woman of my dreams", I saw children in our future, a nice house, I saw us enjoy family holidays and reading our children bedtime stories. I felt so secure in that future and like it was the only future that could happen. I was wrong. Now my future is.... well it isn't anything right now. So, the way I deal with that uncertainty is to take each day as it comes. Live in the present, when life is good embrace it and enjoy it, when life knocks you down, get back up and say "F*ck you, life!".


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I feel so crappy today. For sure I have been set back a few days or perhaps weeks or months.

Last night, while I was in the kitchen, I overheard my STBXH speaking with the OW. I didn't stay for the whole conversation, got out of there as fast as possible, but what I did hear unsettled me. I am so sad today. I feel like I spent 13 years with a man I didn't know at all. Did I know him? Did I just not see who he was? Who is this guy?

I cried through part of last night and this morning. So sad. Have also spent a lot of my time questioning my own decisions the past 13 years.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I feel so crappy today. For sure I have been set back a few days or perhaps weeks or months.
> 
> Last night, while I was in the kitchen, I overheard my STBXH speaking with the OW. I didn't stay for the whole conversation, got out of there as fast as possible, but what I did hear unsettled me. I am so sad today. I feel like I spent 13 years with a man I didn't know at all. Did I know him? Did I just not see who he was? Who is this guy?
> 
> I cried through part of last night and this morning. So sad. Have also spent a lot of my time questioning my own decisions the past 13 years.


That must be a pretty horrible feeling KS . Any more news on when he will be moving out? That will at least give you some space and peace.

Try not to question yourself or dwell on the past - focus on the present and let the future take care of itself.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> That must be a pretty horrible feeling KS . Any more news on when he will be moving out? That will at least give you some space and peace.
> 
> Try not to question yourself or dwell on the past - focus on the present and let the future take care of itself.


No news on the moving out. I was thinking about calmly bringing it up, but was too hurt yesterday and today. So maybe after the new year. Talking out a time line or something.

Yeah. I am trying to. But for today at least it will be an uphill road. Was not aware I could still be hurt by him. Guess I was wrong.

Spending some time today on the "life after divorce" part of TAM. Trying to be strong and see that there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks WWB! How r u WWB?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Think the pain is finally starting to kick in. No longer feel numb. Feel sad.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Think the pain is finally starting to kick in. No longer feel numb. Feel sad.


Ride it out KS - it will pass. It always does.

I'm doing pretty good thanks, how are you feeling now?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Ride it out KS - it will pass. It always does.
> 
> I'm doing pretty good thanks, how are you feeling now?


It's a mixed bag for me today. At times, I think about everything that has happened and I become really angry. Then at times, I just get really sad.

I cried for the first time in a long time, on Thursday night and Friday morning. I didn't know I still had tears left in me over my relationship.

I caught parts of Diary of a Mad Black Woman yesterday, and all I keep seeing today is the scene when the hurt spouse tells the spouse who left her - "I was there when all we had was each other."

Hearing him talk with the OW the other night, even though I didn't hear much, really affected me, I guess more than I thought possible. It hurt hearing him take her feelings into consideration more than he ever did my own. It hurt hearing him be so willing to change the things I wanted him to change, but not for me, instead for someone he barely knows. It just hurts.

I keep trying to look on bright sides. But sometimes they are hard to see clearly.

Good to hear you are doing well WWB.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> It's a mixed bag for me today. At times, I think about everything that has happened and I become really angry. Then at times, I just get really sad.
> 
> I cried for the first time in a long time, on Thursday night and Friday morning. I didn't know I still had tears left in me over my relationship.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you at the moment. Healing from the hurt truly is a process though, and inevitably there will be times when you are sad.

Regarding him talking to the OW, I can only imagine how hurtful that must be. Luckily I never heard my STBXW talk to OM.

The bright sides can be difficult to see sometimes - but they are still there whether you can see them or not.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Happy New Year to everyone!

If you are dealing with snow today, in the US East, hope that it isn't too tough for you.

I am currently not doing well. I guess all the feelings I thought I had dealt with, I have not really dealt with. I have all these emotions now, anger, sadness, loneliness, and they just can't stop coming out of my eyeballs.

I guess a part of me still wants my STBXH backs, and then there is a part of me that is saying, what r u kidding me. So it's a struggle right now.

I am hoping that once he moves things will get better for me. We talked about it yesterday and he has agreed to move by the end of April, just before his birthday.

That's all I have for now. How is everyone else doing?


----------



## Wanttoliveagain (Nov 2, 2013)

Happy New Year Knotted!

Thanks for posting on my thread. I just read the tail end of yours.

Oh my. I can't believe what you are living with. That there is someone else, openly. And he's living with you still???

I can't imagine that being anything but toxic and horrible. And more than anyone should ever have to deal with. I'll read more of posts in your thread, as I assume there is a logical reason to drag this out to April??

I'm hanging in as you know from my thread, one day at a time. Still having hope, but feeling really shut out and rejected (although I don't invite it). We will have to make a decision soon, but I'm making my H make the call on that one, as it's against my convictions. But if it came to what you're dealing with...then I could see myself very quickly in your shoes.

All the best. Things will get better, I can't imagine how they couldn't once he's gone.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Wanttoliveagain said:


> Happy New Year Knotted!
> 
> Thanks for posting on my thread. I just read the tail end of yours.
> 
> ...


WTLA - Thanks for posting on my thread.

Full disclosure, we are both dating. My situation is long distance. Met him while I was in his area, licking my wounds, well past separation and already moving towards a divorce when I met this person. It's slow going, he is about 600 miles away. But it is nice the way it is for now.

He is dating the OW. She lives in the area we live in. It sucks. I can't stand it/her/the whole thing. Every time I hear anything about her, conversation, her name, a picture, whatever, I am reminded of all the pain I went through in the end of my marriage. I figure if he leaves, then I at least wont have to be reminded of the pain they both caused me and can finally start to move on. 

He agreed to April. That's the only answer for why he is moving in April. The house is in both of our names. Financially, I am the one who can afford the house, so that's why I will be staying.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

I haven't eaten all day. And not hungry. That worries me a little as I have already lost a considerable amount of weight. If I keep going this way, I will become the invisible woman.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

It all is a miserable situation. KS, I think losing weight is normal, but you do need to try to restore ANY sense of normality that you can. I know its not easy, but the more you can focus on you, and not on him/ow/divorce/past the better off you are. I still get trapped in it sometimes, so its not easy, but it really does help to not think of it...


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> It all is a miserable situation. KS, I think losing weight is normal, but you do need to try to restore ANY sense of normality that you can. I know its not easy, but the more you can focus on you, and not on him/ow/divorce/past the better off you are. I still get trapped in it sometimes, so its not easy, but it really does help to not think of it...


Thanks Garry. Think being stuck in the house for the last 3 days due to being sick, cold weather and snow storm, isn't helping. Maybe once I start to go out and about again, I will feel better. I keep reading what you wrote though for good measure.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Trying to work through something, while at the same time trying to work for something is hard.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Trying to work through something, while at the same time trying to work for something is hard.


Referring to working for your relationship with party guy, whilst simultaneously working through your divorce?

If so, is there any chance you could go stay somewhere quiet for a few days, disconnect and recuperate?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Referring to working for your relationship with party guy, whilst simultaneously working through your divorce?
> 
> If so, is there any chance you could go stay somewhere quiet for a few days, disconnect and recuperate?


Referring to working to move forward with my future, without STBXH, and at the same time going through the divorce while we are still in the house together, and I am trying not to care about his OW and everything else.

I am going to my mother's this weekend, it's her birthday. Was actually thinking about moving out of the house recently. I just don't think I am making any progress in that house, I feel so trapped and I am miserable. I don't need happiness just peace.

BTW WWB - Have fun on your date today. Happy that you met someone


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Referring to working to move forward with my future, without STBXH, and at the same time going through the divorce while we are still in the house together, and I am trying not to care about his OW and everything else.
> 
> I am going to my mother's this weekend, it's her birthday. Was actually thinking about moving out of the house recently. I just don't think I am making any progress in that house, I feel so trapped and I am miserable. I don't need happiness just peace.
> 
> BTW WWB - Have fun on your date today. Happy that you met someone


Ah I see, the time away at your mother's place may do you some good, try your best to remove yourself from the situation for a few days and relax.

You'll find your peace in good time, I assure you. As we all will.

Thanks, looking forward to it . I'm not certain if I've "found someone" yet or not, it's too early to say. There is definitely something between us though.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Ah I see, the time away at your mother's place may do you some good, try your best to remove yourself from the situation for a few days and relax.
> 
> You'll find your peace in good time, I assure you. As we all will.
> 
> Thanks, looking forward to it . I'm not certain if I've "found someone" yet or not, it's too early to say. There is definitely something between us though.


I might talk to her about things, and get her take on it. 

I hope I find peace one day. I had it 4 years ago, right before we worked out our problems and reconciled. I miss it.

Don't think about if you found someone or not, just go with it and see where it takes you.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Today was a good day. Work, followed by a work related party/event/. Followed by coming home and building some furniture. I need more days like this. Where I am busy from dusk until dawn.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Went to my mother's this weekend. Happy I did, I needed a break from everyone and everything.

While I was at my mother's and before I left, I spent sometime with my STBXH. I don't know, sometimes I think he wants to work it out. Sometimes we start talking about working it out. We caught ourselves talking about it this weekend. I am not sure how I feel about it. He said he wants to see how things progress between us and if it starts to look like we naturally want to work it out, then we will naturally move in that direction.

I am not sure what I want. To forge ahead into a future with him or without him.

I am trying to instead focus on myself more. Signed up for swimming classes, which I start next Saturday, and a few free writing classes. Going to see if I can sign up, through some deal, for some dancing classes. I think the best thing I can do is just work on myself. Maybe that will help me figure out what I want.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Went to my mother's this weekend. Happy I did, I needed a break from everyone and everything.
> 
> While I was at my mother's and before I left, I spent sometime with my STBXH. I don't know, sometimes I think he wants to work it out. Sometimes we start talking about working it out. We caught ourselves talking about it this weekend. I am not sure how I feel about it. He said he wants to see how things progress between us and if it starts to look like we naturally want to work it out, then we will naturally move in that direction.
> 
> ...


Focus on you, and things will become clearer in time


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Contemplating leaving the house and going to my mother's, even if just for a few weeks. Any thoughts?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Contemplating leaving the house and going to my mother's, even if just for a few weeks. Any thoughts?


The space may do you the world of good, time away from both your H and party guy, time to focus on you entirely, may clarify things in your mind.

I'd say if it's possible, go for it.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> The space may do you the world of good, time away from both your H and party guy, time to focus on you entirely, may clarify things in your mind.
> 
> I'd say if it's possible, go for it.


Yeah, I keep thinking the same thing, but I am finding it hard to physically detach from him. I know it's what is best for me, but it's not that easy to do.

I would probably be more happy to go forward if I could find my own space, as suppose to going back home, but I cannot afford that right now.

I have come to realize that I desperately need my own space.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Need to bent.

So I am moving out this Saturday and into my mother's house (my old room). Not entirely thrilled about this, but I decided, after much though, that I think that is what would be best, to help me star to move on.

About 1.5 months ago my STBXH and I agreed that he would move by the end of April. I keep asking him every so often, if this is still the case, and he says yes.

So last night, we are both eating dinner and I ask him - "hey, you are still okay to move in April, right?" He says yes. I ask him to talk to his mother, she lives with us, and I am sure she would need to make arrangements to move out herself as she has said many times that if her son moves out, she would move out too. He dismisses it, then says she will probably move out with him. I tell him to talk to her anyways.

Then he starts asking me why I am moving out again, I explain again, that since we are moving on and away from each other, I think this is what is best for everyone to start moving forward separately. He says I am being emotional, I dismiss it. He then starts telling me that he might not be able to move out on April, due to money, I tell him that we agreed to this, and that he has had plenty of time to save money that he still has a few months and therefore he should save some money.

We get into a fight about money, and why I want to move on so badly. I mean really. We have agreed to divorce. What else is there? He actually expected me to live with him after the divorce and what, never move on with my life. 

Maybe I am just crazy, but I thought, that I at least deserved to move on with my life. Find someone who wanted to be with me. I had to break it off with the party guy, whom I realize now I cared about very much, just because of the limbo situation I am on, the stress is killing me. He actually expects us to live in the same house and what have separate lives, not be able to actually move on. WTF.

I realize now, there is no future between myself and this person. Who is this person?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> Need to bent.
> 
> So I am moving out this Saturday and into my mother's house (my old room). Not entirely thrilled about this, but I decided, after much though, that I think that is what would be best, to help me star to move on.
> 
> ...


Hey KS,

Wow.... it sounds like your STBXH is living in a fantasy world. How can he expect that of you? IT's very strange.

As much as it will suck moving back home with your mother, it's a good move temporarily, it'll give you some space to clear your head a bit.

Sorry to hear about you and the party guy, that's sad, but there will be others when the time is right. The positive thing is now you're moving and "single" you can truly focus on you.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hey KS,
> 
> Wow.... it sounds like your STBXH is living in a fantasy world. How can he expect that of you? IT's very strange.
> 
> ...


I don't know WWB what my STBXH is thinking. 

I know it's the right move. I am sure it will help me move forward and feel less stress.

Yeah. I am pretty sad about the party guy. Right now, it's the right decision. Things are difficult enough for me. I need to work on myself before starting things with someone else. I am hoping we can be friends, but as it is right now, it appears he wants nothing to do with me. I hope that changes, as I would really like him in my life in the future. I miss him a lot.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Finally moved out yesterday. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. A lot of emotions. Was happy though that I finally did what had to be done to move forward. But it was difficult. It's hard coming to the realization that the life you thought you were going to have with someone is not going to happen. Hopefully this will propel me forward and into a better place.

I also met someone. Nice guy. We'll see what happens there.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

So it appears my MIL now hates me because I have left my house and am moving forward with leaving her son. Never mind all the things that happen in between, his not coming home, making out with other women, etc. I don't expect her to side with me, but I at least expect her to be civil. I did just spend the last 14 years (not counting friendship) with her son.

I guess I am not meant to understand some people.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Welcome to the club! My ex mil used to brag about me, call me her son,best father in the world, yadda yadda yadda.. Now im the scumbag ex husband who mistreated her daughter, had the nerve to "wrongly" accuse her of adultry, and a bad father and human. She is a walking psychological study.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

It all goes back to the simple statement "blood is thicker than water".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Garry2012 said:


> It all goes back to the simple statement "blood is thicker than water".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell me about it. I am okay with her siding with her son. Just ask for a little perspective at times. I guess that is too much to ask for.


----------



## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah....I know. With time, i hope they get clarity....but seems like in the short term, they just protect their babies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

