# A marraige without sex and affection



## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

I have been married for two+ years. And my husband rarely ingages in sex or affection with me.I'm thinking maybe he just has allow sex drive and he's not a really touchy feely type of person.But i am.He takes very good care of me, and he is very dependable, faithful, and loyal.But he really lacks sex and affection.We have discussed these issues throughout our relationship,but we really haven't come to a solution.I think he is just the way he is.And for the most part, i accept that.But other times,this issue really bothers me.I really desire to express myself with him in those ways, but i can't make him be a certain way that he's not. And i don't want to.I want it to come natural.But i got the feeling that this is how its gonna be.It was even like this before we got married.We have even gone five months without having sex.Which was a surprise to me when i realized it.Please let me know what you think about this issue. By the way,we have been totally faithful to eachother the whole time we've been together.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

4 immediate possibilities:

1. Low sex drive (can be partially addressed via therapy, but not always with success)

2. Masturbation (many men find masturbation to porn less hassle than engaging in sex with their spouse)

3. Lack of attraction (he may not be attracted to you enough, though this is unlikely to stop him from having sex for that long. )

4. Depression (depression destroys sex drive and attraction altogether. Depression is not sadness. It's indifference. Some people go on living with depression for decades without even realizing it.)

5th possibility is a combination of some or all of the above.


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## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

Thanks so much!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Myself said:


> I have been married for two+ years. And my husband rarely ingages in sex or affection with me.I'm thinking maybe he just has allow sex drive and he's not a really touchy feely type of person.But i am.He takes very good care of me, and he is very dependable, faithful, and loyal.But he really lacks sex and affection.We have discussed these issues throughout our relationship,but we really haven't come to a solution.I think he is just the way he is.And for the most part, i accept that.But other times,this issue really bothers me.I really desire to express myself with him in those ways, but i can't make him be a certain way that he's not. And i don't want to.I want it to come natural.But i got the feeling that this is how its gonna be.It was even like this before we got married.We have even gone five months without having sex.Which was a surprise to me when i realized it.Please let me know what you think about this issue. By the way,we have been totally faithful to eachother the whole time we've been together.


Again... You married someone who's a particular way. Now you're not happy with the way he is. 

You can't marry someone and expect them to magically change to meet your needs after the wedding ceremony. If anything you can likely expect things will get worse as time goes on. His sex drive will drop as he ages (most likely), and yours will possibly peak in your late 30's, early 40's. Better figure out how you'll handle that situation...

How long did you two date? How old are the two of you?

C


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Myself said*: We have even gone five months without having sex.Which was a surprise to me when i realized it.


 5 full months!!!... if you was a true physical toucher ... this would have you going crazy after even 2 weeks .. I am thinking you are likely not high on this bar... just normal , or even LOW yourself..... it would get to anyone after a time, we all need touch and affection from our spouses...this is very very hurtful. 


Is it possible he had some *sexual abuse* in his past ?... *sexually repressed* -due to strict religious teachings ? 

Has a *secret porn addiction*....* Low Testosterone* -he would have other symptoms like falling asleep after work , brain fog... feeling depressed, grouchy...

If he is on any *Depression meds*?

An article > Help for Sex-Starved Wives - TIME

2 books touching the subject >>

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide: Books


Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It: Books


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I know that everybody has their own normal in the sex department. However, any healthy man under the age of 70 wants sex more than once every 5 months. I am with SA o on this .Something is wrong.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Myself said:


> I have been married for two+ years. And my husband rarely ingages in sex or affection with me.I'm thinking maybe he just has allow sex drive and he's not a really touchy feely type of person.But i am.He takes very good care of me, and he is very dependable, faithful, and loyal.But he really lacks sex and affection.We have discussed these issues throughout our relationship,but we really haven't come to a solution.I think he is just the way he is.And for the most part, i accept that.But other times,this issue really bothers me.I really desire to express myself with him in those ways, but i can't make him be a certain way that he's not. And i don't want to.I want it to come natural.But i got the feeling that this is how its gonna be.It was even like this before we got married.We have even gone five months without having sex.Which was a surprise to me when i realized it.Please let me know what you think about this issue. By the way,we have been totally faithful to eachother the whole time we've been together.


Sex is at the heart of marriage. You need to make clear to your husband that he is morally obliged to deal with this problem if he wants to stay married. If he doesn't stand to lose something he won't be motivated to change.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry but I have to ask: Is it possible he's cheating? Or he's gay? 

Of not you have to think long term, can you see yourself like this in 5, 10, 20 more years?
Other than "taking good care of you" why are staying? Do you love him enough to be sexless? This is where it's leading. Would you consider going to a sex therapist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

He's gay. NO MAN goes 5 months w/o sex.

None. I have no doubt he's gay.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

He should have a medical exam. There are medical conditions which cause lack of libido (eg. Klinefelter syndrome - MayoClinic.com Does he have much facial/body hair?) 

Certain very common prescription medications can also depress libido. eg. meds used to control high blood pressure and meds used to control depression


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

MrK said:


> He's gay. NO MAN goes 5 months w/o sex.
> 
> None. I have no doubt he's gay.


No one knows if he's gone 5 months without sex. And what you said is not true. Depressed men go years without sex.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

A Secret Sex World - Living on the Down Low - Oprah.com


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

MrK said:


> A Secret Sex World - Living on the Down Low - Oprah.com


Really?!! Oprah?!! Oprah is now what we go by?! What is this world coming to?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

synthetic said:


> No one knows if he's gone 5 months without sex.





Myself said:


> We have even gone five months without having sex.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

synthetic said:


> Really?!! Oprah?!! Oprah is now what we go by?! What is this world coming to?


Sorry. I forgot we have a high brow crowd here.

Double Lives on the Down Low - NYTimes.com

I'm very surprised you've never heard of this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just because THEY'VE gone 5 months without sex doesn't mean HE'S gone 5 months without sex...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

PBear said:


> Just because THEY'VE gone 5 months without sex doesn't mean HE'S gone 5 months without sex...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It isn't an affair causing him to not want sex with his wife. They've only been married a couple of years. Even if he IS screwing around, he'd still go for a freebie with the wife every now and then. 

He's gay. I'm sure of it.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Myself, this should still be the honeymoon period of your marriage. You are also the one who posted about your step son on another thread. It seems like there is a big mismatch between your H and you. You knew going into this marriage that he had a step son and that he didn't have sex often and was unaffectionate. It sounds like he would have made a great friend. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but why did you marry him? Were you just hoping for the best and to change him? I am sorry you're in this situation, but you are facing some large obstacles in your young marriage.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Maybe he's mad because you resent being a step mom to his child, like you said in your other thread ?


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## Logitex (Jul 5, 2013)

People are jumping to the conclusion that he was like this before you got married. Marriage changes things. I reread your post 3x.. to MAKE SURE I wasnt missing that detail I think that detail is critical. 

so lets put it this way.. 

If he was like this before the relationship.. well, I am guessing you fell in love with that provider and really didnt pay attention to the sexual part of the relationship. So sex was bad.. you were in a new relationship you got married.. oops.. I dont want to have a life without sex. Chances are you CANT fix this. 

so you really have 2 choices

1. Deal with it.. and soldier on forever. (personally Id say screw that. Sex is too much fun and GF.. Im not waiting for 5 months short of a medical reason.. That is me) 
2. Divorce and move on. 

You dont really have any option but those two. If this is the way he has ALWAYS been. You are going to get burnt out trying to make a Ford Escort into Ferrari. You can make the noises with your mouth and try and fool yourself but you will never buy it for long. 

now if he was more amorous before marriage well see option 1 and 2. Those are still relevant.. 

but if he was more amorous before marriage.. your third option is counseling. Where you go there and you talk about this. 

"Hey look this changed. Im not happy" 

you STILL might get to #1 or #2 but there is a CHANCE 

#3 works out. 

fact is.. you arent going to force someone to have good tantric mind numbing sex with you if they arent capable of it.. 

AND.. because i am similar to you. I know you wont be happy with mediocre attempts.. 

am I hitting home there?

Your options are REALLY pretty simple.

YOU ARENT HAPPY and that is important dont let anyone else tell you it isnt. No matter HOW you got to this point. Be happy..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrK said:


> He's gay. I'm sure of it.


Uh, okay ... And you have intimate knowledge of this, how?

MrK, I'm not trying to be facetious. Actually, for some reason, your response made me laugh.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Myself said:


> I want it to come natural.But i got the feeling that this is how its gonna be.It was even like this before we got married.


The post shows it was like that before marriage. Probably not going to get better without help.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Myself said:


> I have been married for two+ years. And my husband rarely ingages in sex or affection with me.I'm thinking maybe he just has allow sex drive and he's not a really touchy feely type of person.But i am.He takes very good care of me, and he is very dependable, faithful, and loyal.But he really lacks sex and affection.We have discussed these issues throughout our relationship,but we really haven't come to a solution.I think he is just the way he is.And for the most part, i accept that.But other times,this issue really bothers me.I really desire to express myself with him in those ways, but i can't make him be a certain way that he's not. And i don't want to.I want it to come natural.But i got the feeling that this is how its gonna be.It was even like this before we got married.We have even gone five months without having sex.Which was a surprise to me when i realized it.Please let me know what you think about this issue. By the way,we have been totally faithful to eachother the whole time we've been together.


He's always been this way? 

Sometimes a guys testosterone diminishes or he has stress and focused on his job or something.

Other times they are cheating, and there is no reason to do those things with you.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

It has to be some health issue. I mean even men who are not attracted to their wives or are seeing other people will have sex when its available. If the vagina is there and he is not taking it, it has to be health issues.


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

Does he watch porn? 

I wouldn’t think that someone with low sex drive would be interested in porn, but maybe that's a habit of his?

It could be a few things:

1) Health issues - low libido, low sex drive, depression.

2) Body image issues/low self esteem - has he gained weight recently? Does he feel bad about how he looks? Maybe he isn't comfortable with his body?

3) Does he indeed love and care for you? You said that he is dependable, faithful and loyal, but he is not affectionate. And he doesn't appear to take your feelings into consideration when you discuss your sexual problems with him. Has anything changed about his feelings for you?

Good luck!


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Goldmember357 said:


> It has to be some health issue. I mean even men who are not attracted to their wives or are seeing other people will have sex when its available. If the vagina is there and he is not taking it, it has to be health issues.


Alot of folks once they start up the affairs have that need met externally. Plus many don't want to cheat on their affair partners.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have gone longer then 5 months without sex.. I was a stark raving lunatic. OMG.. Even going a week is a killer for me. Masterbation just makes it worse. 

I do know that not all men or highly sexual, some aren't. but 5 months...

If a man goes 5 months without sex one of two things are happening. He is getting it from somewhere else OR he is masterbating with or with out porn. 

He isn't taking good care of you if you guys aren't having sex. 

Marriage doesn't change a person.. If you weren't having sex often before your were married, then it will be the same or less after. It isn't going to change.

My husband and I were really compatible sexually before marriage and for many years after. And then the slump began.. At the 2 year mark we were still having sex at least 4-5 times a week and it was like that until about 6 years ago.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

synthetic said:


> 4 immediate possibilities:
> 
> 1. Low sex drive (can be partially addressed via therapy, but not always with success)
> 
> ...


I'd toss out a 6th possibility: Maybe this guy expresses love differently. Maybe to him, being reliable, dependable, good provider, etc, is just what a loving husband does. How does his father treat his mother (or the woman his daddy married)? That's probably where he learned what a marriage looks like. If he grew up in an environment that didn't encourage physical expressions of love, how could he know a different way to be? I don't think anyone enters a marriage exactly perfectly communicating with their spouse. He may just need to learn her language and she might need to understand his. They could both be saying the same thing.


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

Do you openly communicate this with him? I discovered my husband was masturbating every day instead of initiating with me (maybe it was easier, maybe he didn't think I was interested) and I had thought he had a low sex drive. Once I talked to him about how much it bothered me that we had sex so rarely he stopped to see if it improved our sex life, and we also started talking about what we want and need on a regular basis. Things have improved a lot but it takes both parties being willing to work on it.


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