# What happened to TAM?



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I used to find TAM a great place for advice and people who seemed to genuinely care. The majority of the old guard have appeared for the most part, to have moved on or away from the threads here and I rarely seem their posts. Now I see more misogynists and trigger happy ****-wits (excuse my language) which who have little of any value to contribute. What are your views, do you think the tone of TAM has changed?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

aine said:


> I used to find TAM a great place for advice and people who seemed to genuinely care. The majority of the old guard have appeared for the most part, to have moved on or away from the threads here and I rarely seem their posts. Now I see more misogynists and trigger happy ****-wits (excuse my language) which who have little of any value to contribute. What are your views, do you think the tone of TAM has changed?


Would those be f-wits or s-wits?

What do you feel was the tone and how has it change? Can you give some examples of what you feel is the misogynistic tone now here? Or trigger-happy type posts?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I haven't been around long enough to answer you, but I think it's interesting that at the bottom of this thread are very similar topics from 2013, 2015, and 2016...maybe TAM hasn't actually changed...? Lol!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The pandemic brought a HUGE influx of new members probably because they had more time on their hands. It was very noticeable.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ele's thread from 2013 brought back memories. It's a shame that most of the posters on that thread no longer post. One of the delights was reading @Curse of Millhaven 's post (that girl has a way with words). 

I have noticed that the number of female posters is dwindling. 

Just a funny thought - Ele was made a moderator a year or two after this thread. Lila up & left the board and when she came back she was made a moderator. So listen up! If you don't want to be offered a job, don't threaten to leave.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aine said:


> I used to find TAM a great place for advice and people who seemed to genuinely care. The majority of the old guard have appeared for the most part, to have moved on or away from the threads here and I rarely seem their posts. Now I see more misogynists and trigger happy ****-wits (excuse my language) which who have little of any value to contribute. What are your views, do you think the tone of TAM has changed?


Yup. Could be contributed to by the weird stuff going on in the world and personal changes happening in life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, we have lost some great posters over the years that I’ve been here but that’s the way forums work IME. People move on and others move in (for a while anyway). What I’ve noticed recently is some of the new posters will post a lot over a very brief period and then quickly move on.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

What time period are you referring to? Who are some posters you have in mind?
EDIT: What I am asking is, who are some of the old guard you feel have moved on, that made the place better when they were here?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

aine said:


> I used to find TAM a great place for advice and people who seemed to genuinely care. The majority of the old guard have appeared for the most part, to have moved on or away from the threads here and I rarely seem their posts. Now I see more misogynists and trigger happy ****-wits (excuse my language) which who have little of any value to contribute. What are your views, do you think the tone of TAM has changed?


What was that?
Halfwits?
F-wits?
Sh-wits?

Not really sure if there might have been a more diplomatic way to insult an entire board of members, but I take exception and exclude myself from the definition of whatever that name-calling label was supposed to be.

What I've noticed is there are way fewer posts and way fewer participants. With the new premium membership option, I just assumed people were mostly busying themselves with threads and forums that are not available to us lowly registered members.

And yep, I've noticed the insensitive, misogynistic, and double-standard attitudes toward women on the boards.

Come to think of it, I've also noticed a lot more herd mentality than ever before.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

TAM is by far the best forum I've been on. Great admins/mods.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

aine said:


> I used to find TAM a great place for advice and people who seemed to genuinely care. The majority of the old guard have appeared for the most part, to have moved on or away from the threads here and I rarely seem their posts. Now I see more *misogynists* and trigger happy ****-wits (excuse my language) which who have little of any value to contribute. What are your views, do you think the tone of TAM has changed?


Did you forget about @*Machiavelli*? He and his little posse were the original TAM misogynists.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TAM used be much busier place, more posters. There were many new threads daily and then they often went for several pages - going on for months sometimes, helping posters in their situation.

There also were closed groups that anyone could creat. In tgese groups we were able to share many more details of our situation because this was not public. It was extremely helpful if you found group of posters to share a group like this.

As in regards to misogyny -it was always here, even worse.I remeber threads, based on some cockoo guy books, how it is natural for women to submit to men and that tge chaos of today’s wold is basically the fault of people not staying within their “natural” gender norms. Imagine the fights we had on these threads....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StarFires said:


> What I've noticed is there are way fewer posts and way fewer participants. With the new premium membership option, I just assumed people were mostly busying themselves with threads and forums that are not available to us lowly registered members.


There is only one sub forum for premium members. There are something like 3 threads there that have not been posted on in months. No one is using the premium member only sub forum.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> TAM used be much busier place, more posters. There were many new threads daily and then they often went for several pages - going on for months sometimes, helping posters in their situation.


I was talk that TAM's decline in active members has is largely due to the change in the google search algorithm that was put in place a couple of years ago. It's just not as likely that TAM will show up in search results as it was prior to the algorithm change. Sites like TAM rely on a constant influx of new members.



WandaJ said:


> there also were closed groups that anyone could creat. In tgese groups we were able to share many more details of our situation because this was not public. It was extremely helpful if you found group of posters to share a group like this.


I agree that the loss of the private (or closed) groups is not good. There was at least one long time poster who has a group forum no there. With the transition, years of her threads were just deleted. She no longer posts on TAM as that shocking and hurtful to her and to those who were supporting her.



WandaJ said:


> as in regards to misogyny -it was always here, even worse.I remeber threads, based on some cockoo guy books, how it is natural for women to submit to men and that tge chaos of today’s wold is basically the fault of people not staying within their “natural” gender norms. Imagine the fights we had on these threads....


I agree.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't care to see advertising cluttering up the site, particularly right in the middle of a thread. For me, it takes away from the confidential feel the old forum had. As I'm typing this, three different pop-up ads have appeared on the right side of my screen, none of which are remotely interesting to me. Advertising generates revenue, which is great. But I find it somewhat annoying and for me it cheapens the site. JMO. 

There are posters who appear to have joined because they are feeling lonely/bored. I imagine when COVID eventually dissipates, they'll leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I don't care to see advertising cluttering up the site, particularly right in the middle of a thread. For me, it takes away from the confidential feel the old forum had. As I'm typing this, three different pop-up ads have appeared on the right side of my screen, none of which are remotely interesting to me. Advertising generates revenue, which is great. But I find it somewhat annoying and for me it cheapens the site. JMO.


The issue is that it costs the site owners money to run this site. Very few people pay the $19 annually for premium membership. This means that the site owners had to find a way to generate enough to at least cover the cost of hosting the site, paid staff, etc.



Prodigal said:


> There are posters who appear to have joined because they are feeling lonely/bored. I imagine when COVID eventually dissipates, they'll leave.


Time will tell.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I guess being a premium member has some benefits after all — I don’t see ads.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Openminded said:


> I guess being a premium member has some benefits after all — I don’t see ads.


You also have access to the premium only forum if you wanted to post somewhere that was very private.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Livvie said:


> The pandemic brought a HUGE influx of new members probably because they had more time on their hands. It was very noticeable.


And they found the pandemic had cause fault lines to appear in their relationships, so THEY researched options for help and found TAM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I don't care to see advertising cluttering up the site, particularly right in the middle of a thread. For me, it takes away from the confidential feel the old forum had. As I'm typing this, three different pop-up ads have appeared on the right side of my screen, none of which are remotely interesting to me. Advertising generates revenue, which is great. But I find it somewhat annoying and for me it cheapens the site. JMO.
> 
> There are posters who appear to have joined because they are feeling lonely/bored. I imagine when COVID eventually dissipates, they'll leave.


I know what you mean about adverts. But we read magazines and newspapers with adverts?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't see ads because I use an ad blocker.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> I was talk that TAM's decline in active members has is largely due to the change in the google search algorithm that was put in place a couple of years ago. It's just not as likely that TAM will show up in search results as it was prior to the algorithm change. Sites like TAM rely on a constant influx of new members.


I found TAM via Tapatalk.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> As in regards to misogyny -it was always here, even worse.I remeber threads, based on some cockoo guy books, how it is natural for women to submit to men and that tge chaos of today’s wold is basically the fault of people not staying within their “natural” gender norms. Imagine the fights we had on these threads....


LOL but those were shot down quickly though by the majority of the board. Silly red pill nonsense and the men here encouraged much better alternatives to the 180 without harnessing a hatred of women.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't see ads because I use an ad blocker.


This.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The last time I attempted to download an ad blocker on my laptop, it ended up in the repair shop for a week. I am a technological moron, and I've learned to step away from the computer and leave any bells and whistles to my local geek guys.

@MattMatt - Yes, we have ads in magazines (although "Cooks Illustrated" and "Cuisine At Home" magazines have NO ads), but they're not literally popping up in my peripheral vision. It's disconcerting for me. And, like I said, the old website had a more confidential/anonymous feel to it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Is there anyone that can make the undo feature work? When typing in the reply box and accidentally delete something, I right click for a list of options, including undo. But undo doesn't see the delete so never restores it.

So funky because it worked swell on the old site just like all other websites. Just something else that happened to TAM along with the user-friendly navigation, feel of the board, and less annoying ads.

Funny by product though is the ads are much bigger and much more annoying, but they don't drag/slow the site down like the ads on the old page did.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I was talk that TAM's decline in active members has is largely due to the change in the google search algorithm that was put in place a couple of years ago. It's just not as likely that TAM will show up in search results as it was prior to the algorithm change. Sites like TAM rely on a constant influx of new members.
> 
> 
> I agree that the loss of the private (or closed) groups is not good. There was at least one long time poster who has a group forum no there. With the transition, years of her threads were just deleted. She no longer posts on TAM as that shocking and hurtful to her and to those who were supporting her.
> ...


I agree about Google. That was how I originally found TAM and I am grateful I did.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I think all/most forums are seeing declines. People are continually communicating online in new and different ways. Message boards (I miss Copmuserv) gave way to USENET to web based forums to Facebook/group chats/Reddit. It’s a pity TAM, while still having a good and diverse community, had a larger and diverser community.

I found TAM via Google. You’d think a company like VerticalScope would be pretty good at SEO.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

CharlieParker said:


> I found TAM via Google. You’d think a company like VerticalScope would be pretty good at SEO.


Maybe they now make enough money on ads and do not care Anymore about increased traffic? I tried to get some info about advertising here for a friend who specializes in counseling for Narcisstic abuse and never got reply. I called, I e-mailed, I contacted Ellegirl -never got response.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Maybe they now make enough money on ads and do not care Anymore about increased traffic? I tried to get some info about advertising here for a friend who specializes in counseling for Narcisstic abuse and never got reply. I called, I e-mailed, I contacted Ellegirl -never got response.


TAM is represents a tiny portion of VS’s portfolio, I think they just don’t care about it period. (Even in TAM’s heyday it was never a “large” forum.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ffgdfgfdfg abbbbb rrrrrr


WandaJ said:


> Maybe they now make enough money on ads and do not care Anymore about increased traffic? I tried to get some info about advertising here for a friend who specializes in counseling for Narcisstic abuse and never got reply. I called, I e-mailed, I contacted Ellegirl -never got response.


I replied to your PM... Check your "conversations". Here's my reply:



EleGirl said:


> Start by writing to the *customer[email protected]* email. Explain what you would like to do.
> 
> I think that the ads on the side of discussions are from an ad service like Google AdSense.
> 
> ...


The mod team, to include me, cannot help you with this.









Vendor Rules


1. Any and all commercial posting on the forum requires vendor credentials to do so. This includes: A business name Usernames, business information in your Signatures and or Avatars, soliciting in private message, and any and all commercial posting in threads. Failure to sign up as a...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> TAM is represents a tiny portion of VS’s portfolio, I think they just don’t care about it period. (Even in TAM’s heyday it was never a “large” forum.)


VS has something like 700 forums.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StarFires said:


> Is there anyone that can make the undo feature work? When typing in the reply box and accidentally delete something, I right click for a list of options, including undo. But undo doesn't see the delete so never restores it.
> 
> So funky because it worked swell on the old site just like all other websites. Just something else that happened to TAM along with the user-friendly navigation, feel of the board, and less annoying ads.
> 
> Funny by product though is the ads are much bigger and much more annoying, but they don't drag/slow the site down like the ads on the old page did.


I just tired the undo function and it was working. You can also use the cntrl-z keyboard shortcut if you are on a computer.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> Maybe they now make enough money on ads and do not care Anymore about increased traffic?


I've noticed that they do seem to care. Aside from that, a good amount of traffic also, in some way, increases search engine results. Algorithms may have changed, but traffic does still matter to some degree. So, less traffic affects search engine placement in addition to the algorithm. So it has to matter to them whether or not I or anyone noticed since no amount of money from advertising matters if there's no one around to see them. Seems to me advertisers will pull out. Doesn't make sense to pay to advertise to no one or way too few. The broader the scope, the more they pay. TV ads cost more than radio, for example. Superbowl ads cost more than weekly games. And so on. Web advertisers have their criteria too.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

aine said:


> I used to find TAM a great place for advice and people who seemed to genuinely care. The majority of the old guard have appeared for the most part, to have moved on or away from the threads here and I rarely seem their posts. Now I see more misogynists and trigger happy ****-wits (excuse my language) which who have little of any value to contribute. What are your views, do you think the tone of TAM has changed?


Agreed it has become more misogynistic in my opinion which drives off more moderate voices. Also if you dare disagree with some of the misogynists they then outpost you 4 to 1 to make sure theirs is the loudest voice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> Also if you dare disagree with some of the misogynists they then outpost you 4 to 1 to make sure theirs is the loudest voice.


That's why I've found myself using the wonderful "ignore" function more recently. Some of these goofs get triggered over minutiae. Rather than argue and risk getting a ban, I put the douche bags on "ignore." Works like a charm for me.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

aine said:


> I used to find TAM a great place for advice and people who seemed to genuinely care. The majority of the old guard have appeared for the most part, to have moved on or away from the threads here and I rarely seem their posts. Now I see more misogynists and trigger happy ****-wits (excuse my language) which who have little of any value to contribute. What are your views, do you think the tone of TAM has changed?


I see lynch mob mentally, instead of hang'em to screaming divorce'em.

From mostly people that were WS and BS paying it forward to help the newcomers.
To, too many people that are not, were not, hope they are never a WS or BS
that never experienced infidelity firsthand posing as experts that only see divorce
as the only solution to infidelity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> That's why I've found myself using the wonderful "ignore" function more recently. Some of these goofs get triggered over minutiae. Rather than argue and risk getting a ban, I put the douche bags on "ignore." Works like a charm for me.


I've actually employed that function twice in the last 6 months where I never would have considered it before. But it was for one poster who turned out to have multiple "sock puppet" accounts and another who just seems unstable.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> LOL but those were shot down quickly though by the majority of the board. Silly red pill nonsense and the men here encouraged much better alternatives to the 180 without harnessing a hatred of women.


Oh, I've heard VERY little actual hatred of women (or men) on here! I've read tons of frustration and resentment at times, but not outright hatred, for the most part!!

I think the discussions on here are GREAT!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> That's why I've found myself using the wonderful "ignore" function more recently. Some of these goofs get triggered over minutiae. Rather than argue and risk getting a ban, I put the douche bags on "ignore." Works like a charm for me.


But if you "ignore" people, you NEVER get to hear what they say, right...? What if they post something you would want to read?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> That's why I've found myself using the wonderful "ignore" function more recently.


So much better than before.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> But if you "ignore" people, you NEVER get to hear what they say, right...? What if they post something you would want to read?


I've personally not felt the need to block anyone. I appreciate the range of views expressed; yes, even those I wouldn't agree with. To each their own though with this forum experience - including how we navigate the site, and what and how we respond to.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

StarFires said:


> Not really sure if there might have been a more diplomatic way to insult an entire board of members, but I take exception and exclude myself from the definition of whatever that name-calling label was supposed to be.


I think this is a fair-call.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

There are multiple people here that have me blocked now, whatever, I know I am not that offensive if they cannot take other opinions so be it.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

Sometimes people just move on or just get busier with their everyday lives and have little if any time anymore. TAM doesn't seem to have all that many problems if any given the pathetic excuse for a board I came from. Those posters could do whatever they wanted with little consequence because the mods didn't care. It divided the board and any friendships were lost and but some managed to hold on. I'd rather that not happen here. The chaos that ensued shouldn't have ever been allowed. EVER. But chalk that up to that site admin that simply didn't care. Sorry for the rant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> The last time I attempted to download an ad blocker on my laptop, it ended up in the repair shop for a week. I am a technological moron, and I've learned to step away from the computer and leave any bells and whistles to my local geek guys.
> 
> @MattMatt - Yes, we have ads in magazines (although "Cooks Illustrated" and "Cuisine At Home" magazines have NO ads), but they're not literally popping up in my peripheral vision. It's disconcerting for me. *And, like I said, the old website had a more confidential/anonymous feel to it.*


Why do you think that this new website format is less confidential/anonymous?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> But if you "ignore" people, you NEVER get to hear what they say, right...? What if they post something you would want to read?


Maybe Prodigal’s mental health is worth it?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Prodigal is funny, they attacked me in a thread in which I did nothing, then blocked me and I still dont understand what happened. I was responding to someone else and prodigal went apeshit on em.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I haven’t been on as much as I used to be, mainly because I used to hang out here every day when I was at work. When I changed jobs, that luxury went away. So now I get on my phone using Tapatalk, and it’s OK, but I like being on the desktop better. (I mostly check updates on my subscribed threads on Tapatalk. ) However… I absolutely hate the “new” format on the desktop site! It just doesn’t make any sense to me, and it’s entirely too easy for old zombie threads to be revived. It doesn’t really even have a forum feel to me now. I’ve been here a long time, and I’m not going anywhere, I’m just going through a less active phase lol. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> I haven’t been on as much as I used to be, mainly because I used to hang out here every day when I was at work. When I changed jobs, that luxury went away. So now I get on my phone using Tapatalk, and it’s OK, but I like being on the desktop better. (I mostly check updates on my subscribed threads on Tapatalk. ) However… I absolutely hate the “new” format on the desktop site! It just doesn’t make any sense to me, and it’s entirely too easy for old zombie threads to be revived. It doesn’t really even have a forum feel to me now. I’ve been here a long time, and I’m not going anywhere, I’m just going through a less active phase lol.


I have not been on the site using TapaTalk since they moved the site to the new format. On a desktop, the zombie threads are listed at the bottom under a thread. They have the title *Recommended Reading*. Is it the same on TapaTalk?

A while back we mods closed all threads more than a year old to stop people responding to them and bumping them to the top.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> But if you "ignore" people, you NEVER get to hear what they say, right...? What if they post something you would want to read?


Let me give you a perfect example of someone I put on "ignore" this afternoon: I simply said, in response to OP's post that life is short. I got a nasty, mean-spirited, downright disgusting response from another TAM member. I had no idea MY OPINION could trigger such venom, but it did.

What I got was not merely, an I-disagree-with-your-response, but basically a you-are-wrong-and-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about response. I was told life is loooonnnnngggg (the responder's spelling, not mine).

Why would I want to further expose myself to such total nastiness for what is merely my opinion? Why would I want to further expose myself to someone who is apparently lacking in basic knowledge?

A star has a long life. Average age of a star in the Milky Way galaxy in which we are located: 10 billion years

A giant redwood has a long life. Average age of a giant redwood: 500-700 years

A sequoia tree has a long life. Average age of a sequoia: 1800-2700 years

A human residing in the United States as of 2020: 78.54 years

Yet this TAM member told me I was basically an idiot for saying life is short with regard to **** sapiens.

I rest my case.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> What I got was not merely, an I-disagree-with-your-response, but basically a you-are-wrong-and-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about response.


Ah, the interwebz... maybe your post can highlight that from your perspective, you were trying to offer some help to the OP. You were giving of your time, and bothered to reach out. Could there be a way that members could consider this more when responding to one another? As you wrote, it's one thing to have a differing opinion, however, being told that you're wrong (when these are simply opinions/life experiences shared), well, I think that's unlikely to achieve much that is helpful. And if anything, prevents the response being received.

In case you need to read this, I do appreciate having you (and your opinions and life experiences) around.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> ffgdfgfdfg abbbbb rrrrrr
> 
> 
> I replied to your PM... Check your "conversations". Here's my reply:
> ...


You did, Ellen, and I appreciate that, but there was no phone calls or email back that would provide me with the Information I asked for and how to go about getting an ad here.,I am still interested, btw.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Let me give you a perfect example of someone I put on "ignore" this afternoon: I simply said, in response to OP's post that life is short. I got a nasty, mean-spirited, downright disgusting response from another TAM member. I had no idea MY OPINION could trigger such venom, but it did.
> 
> What I got was not merely, an I-disagree-with-your-response, but basically a you-are-wrong-and-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about response. I was told life is loooonnnnngggg (the responder's spelling, not mine).
> 
> ...


You two are in agreement. You just come at it from different perspectives.

Your interpretation reminds me of some of the posts to me from men who are irked because I didn't couch my disagreement in terms they would have found amenable. In short, I don't think he meant to insult you or disparage your point of view. He actually thinks along the same lines. Then again, I could be full of fertilizer.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don't post much since I feel I'm not entitled to give advice, having screwed up my own relationship royally... well, at least this is how I feel. Also, I have come to a crossroad... and I can't take a firm direction due to covid and my own health. So, I'm in limbo (again)... I do agree that the "old guard" seems not to be posting that much. So, I've lost interest.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> *I don't post much since I feel I'm not entitled to give advice, having screwed up my own relationship royally... *well, at least this is how I feel. Also, I have come to a crossroad... and I can't take a firm direction due to covid and my own health. So, I'm in limbo (again)... I do agree that the "old guard" seems not to be posting that much. So, I've lost interest.


There is a member with almost 40,000 posts who doesn't hesitate to give advice that she, herself, refuses to follow. So jump in.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> There is a member with almost 40,000 posts who doesn't hesitate to give advice that she, herself, refuses to follow. So jump in.


40,000?! Damn. Possible to name the member?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

rockon said:


> 40,000?! Damn. Possible to name the member?


Sure, it's Turnera. I'm not telling tales out of school - she and I have had a convo about it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I've missed her. She hasn't posted lately. 



Blondilocks said:


> Sure, it's Turnera. I'm not telling tales out of school - she and I have had a convo about it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> There is a member with almost 40,000 posts who doesn't hesitate to give advice that she, herself, refuses to follow. So jump in.


ok, I'm not the only helpless case, then...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I don't post much since I feel I'm not entitled to give advice, having screwed up my own relationship royally...


Plenty of people here have, or had, screwed up relationships. They wouldn't be here otherwise. Half the time I write anything it is with the acknowledgement of how big a hypocrite I am.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My feeling is don’t recommend action for others — like getting out of a dysfunctional marriage — when you’re too afraid to follow it yourself. TAM has more than a few posters like that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> You did, Ellen, and I appreciate that, but there was no phone calls or email back that would provide me with the Information I asked for and how to go about getting an ad here.,I am still interested, btw.


This has happened with in the past with others who have requested advertising. I don't get it.

I'll send you a PM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> ok, I'm not the only helpless case, then...


Just post about how you have screwed up. That alone could be some very good lessons that others learn from.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

There are lots of posters I miss hearing from. Some disappeared a long time ago. Some disappeared during the pandemic, which is worrisome.

I don’t notice these days as much discussions full of or about gender stereotyping, which is a relief. The sex in marriage related threads seem to stay more focused on the OP’s problems and choices than an invitation for other parties to battle over personal unresolved grievances by proxy.

I recall there being more obvious trolling threads in the past. Despite that, I find myself too often feeling skeptical of new or newly revived posters. I’m thinking of threads that seem to so precisely match well worn patterns, and especially those where there is a subtle bone of contention being written in. Hard to say if anything on TAM has changed with respect to fake threads, or if it’s just me.

I’ve become more cynical about motives and truthfulness of things posted anywhere for reasons having nothing to do with what I read here. But it effects how I experience TAM.

No doubt there are new people with real problems who post here seeking help. I suppose that is one of the reasons I stay.

I don’t think one needs to have successfully resolved anything to have something to offer here. Just perspective from personal experience, with baggage and biases and blind spots kept on the table as much as possible.

There are some kind and decent people here. And experiences have common enough threads, one can find someone to relate to, and not feel so lost and alone. Not a bad place to be when you need it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

[


PieceOfSky said:


> I don’t think one needs to have successfully resolved anything to have something to offer here. Just perspective from personal experience, with baggage and biases and blind spots kept on the table as much as possible.


I generally try to not give advice but rather life experience. Along the lines of “Something similar happened to me, I did x,y,z and the result was a,b,c, but of course YMMV”.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

maquiscat said:


> Would those be f-wits or s-wits?
> 
> What do you feel was the tone and how has it change? Can you give some examples of what you feel is the misogynistic tone now here? Or trigger-happy type posts?
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk





maquiscat said:


> Would those be f-wits or s-wits?
> 
> What do you feel was the tone and how has it change? Can you give some examples of what you feel is the misogynistic tone now here? Or trigger-happy type posts?
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


Trigger happy misogynists, one rule for one gender and another rule for another, inconsistencies in dealing with the same problem depending on the gender. Responses based on stereotypical and outdated attitudes


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StarFires said:


> What was that?
> Halfwits?
> F-wits?
> Sh-wits?
> ...



Don't want to mention names, I wrote this when I was a bit pissed off with some of the responses on some threads. Do not want to start a war or anything, don't want to insult people either though my choice of "***wits' word not good at all. But have this sense that things are taking a dive, perhaps it is as someone says due to Covid and all that is going on around us. Having said all that, TAM is still the best place for dealing with marriage issues, etc.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

aine said:


> Don't want to mention names, I wrote this when I was a bit pissed off with some of the responses on some threads. Do not want to start a war or anything, don't want to insult people either though my choice of "***wits' word not good at all. But have this sense that things are taking a dive, perhaps it is as someone says due to Covid and all that is going on around us. Having said all that, TAM is still the best place for dealing with marriage issues, etc.


While your intentions to not insult people are noble, it's hard to know what changes you don't like. I asked you to name some posters you miss hearing from, that way you wouldn't need to mention any names in a negative context.

I for one don't know what you mean by "trigger happy". 

I like to be sure I understand what is being discussed before I offer my opinion, but a lot of people don't. There are many threads where somewhere around page 7 people realize they have incompatible definitions of the thing they've been discussing.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'll wade into this.

I may very well be one of those F*wits, H*wits, or otherwise degenerate human dregs previously referred to.

I figure if I am, people can ignore or block me.

I was under the impression that since I was accepted into the venue, I had a right to post.

I joined to get some feedback on my own personal situation at the time.

Even though I did not post it for feedback directly, I was able to garner an approach from those who experienced similar dilemmas that led to a successful outcome for us.

I started posting in an effort to give back.

I tend to try to post an a manner that accounts for life experience, and provide different options to those who are experiencing negative situations in their lives.
I posted a response in one thread regarding a female partner who was belittling their husband with aid from a group of friends. My response (which was that no one should be disrespected and belittled in that manner,) led to a somewhat snarky PM from a member, as well as a couple of snarky responses during the duration of that thread.

I handled that myself. I've dealt with internet thugs before.

In another now deleted thread, someone delved into their displeasure as to how another individual dealt with their own infidelity situation.

If I post regarding an infidelity situation, I try to give options to the OP, if there are viable options. I'm not them. It is not my place to decide whether or not they D or R. I'm not in their living room to see if the WW or WH is showing true remorse. The OP knows the dynamics of their situation, I don't through a one way, one sided description. Not my circus, not my monkeys. That is the valuable part of this forum, opinions from people not directly involved in a given situation.

It lead to quite a discussion, where one Keyboard Cowboy seemed to know more about the OP's situation than the OP did, and tended to think that anyone who posts is incumbent to follow all advice posted in lockstep.

The role for posters here, IMO is to post practical common sense options that those inquiring can follow and utilize to their own personal situations. OP's should take what they can use, and set the rest aside.

Everyone is in charge of their own life story. At the end of the day, they need to do what is right for them and theirs.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I have to say...I have never read anyone's posts as being negative in the ways described here, nor thought of posters as being deliberately hateful just for the entertainment of it (if that's one of the things being described). I've read plenty of posts with annoyed or snarky responses, but I think those have their value and often those same people post something really terrific and helpful in another thread. I always think, maybe someone had a bad day...or a similarly bad experience with certain topics.

But even if not, I actually LIKE hearing how someone REALLY thinks, even if I don't agree with them, so other posters (or I) can challenge their thinking and maybe benefit them, other people reading, or even ME!!

I think it would be BORING to have only like-minded people posting on here - what's the point of that? Then it's just an "echo chamber", and who can learn anything or gain any insight in that type of environment?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There were the Greg Norman posts.


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