# Divorce was final in March.....He already has a gilrfriend!!!!



## Shelly29

ok what the absolute hell!?!?!??! are you kidding me? Apparently he has been seeing her since Dec... his guy friends tell me, no there was no affair but I am highy doubting that.. he has already been sleeping around like crazy since he left me in Oct....

am i really dealing with a 5 yr old... the thing that kills me is she is 23 and serves food at a mexican restaurant down the st where he decided he wants to be a bouncer at night.....SERIOUSLY!?!?!, sniff.... she is gorgeous, latin, everyone who has seen her says he has been with all these girls that kinda look like me at times... what is he really trying to do? He kept telling me he didnt find me attractive, he didnt love me, he didnt want kids with me, he didnt thnk i was hot.... i dont get it.... I told him he embarrassed me for all the stupid actions he has done in the last couple months.

I know, i know... he will do the same **** to her.... run when he gets bored... but i am not sure how to NOT let it affect me at times when i doubt and think.... well what Could I have done... said, etc.....ugh men suck! (sorry men on this site... just need to vent)


----------



## Jellybeans

I'm not surprised it went on a lot longer than you thought or what he told you.

His friends, of course, will cover for him. How old is he? 

Please get tested for STDs. There is no telling how many times and w/ who he cheated on.

Be glad to be rid of this idiot, which is what he is.


----------



## Shelly29

we both turn 30 this yr..... married at 22.... yeah i dont know if i willever trust what comes out of his mouth. lol who knows!


----------



## DanF

You are divorced. He is no longer your husband, he is a single man out on the prowl.
How long would he have to be a monk to satisfy you?!

Apparently he is over you, but you aren't over him...


----------



## maggot brain

What do you expect him to do? Marriage has its advantages, but for most men, especially that young, having a new lease on life would be a thrill.


----------



## Jellybeans

Ok, I thnk SHelly is just benting here... she's not saying she expects him to be a monk or still stuck on here... I think she is hurt and still reeling that he cowardly left her one day w/o saying why and it turns out he was cheating the entire time. Now that she is finding out more stuf, it hurts even more.

To be honest, I can't see why anyone would think that is weird. Nobody who has that happen to him would feel *good* about it.

Shelly, keep your head up. Keep up no contact. He wasn't the one for you.


----------



## Shelly29

maggot brain said:


> What do you expect him to do? Marriage has its advantages, but for most men, especially that young, having a new lease on life would be a thrill.


man, wish someone had passed that memo onto me back then... LOL


----------



## Shelly29

DanF said:


> You are divorced. He is no longer your husband, he is a single man out on the prowl.
> How long would he have to be a monk to satisfy you?!
> 
> Apparently he is over you, but you aren't over him...


Tell me how I can get over a guy I loved for 8+ yrs and thought he was the one...if you have a great and easy fix I would love to know because its only been a couple months and 1 month since it was official.

Im venting here because I feel like my ex has turned into this whole other person to the other extreme and even though we are not together anymore per his choice completly it kinda hurts to see how quick (within days) he was to move on.....thats all.


----------



## DanF

Shelly29 said:


> Tell me how I can get over a guy I loved for 8+ yrs and thought he was the one...if you have a great and easy fix I would love to know because its only been a couple months and 1 month since it was official.
> 
> Im venting here because I feel like my ex has turned into this whole other person to the other extreme and even though we are not together anymore per his choice completly it kinda hurts to see how quick (within days) he was to move on.....thats all.


I'm not in your position (thankfully), but I think that I would consider divorce as the end. Trying to save the marriage is over.
I'd like to think that I'd move on and find another. Whether "another" comes along in a month or a year, I am sure that I wouldn't sit around wondering what he's up to, talking to his friends about him and checking out the new girl (or guy) friend.
Your first post tells that you are keeping up with his activities and don't want to let go.

Borderline stalking?


----------



## Jellybeans

Until people have had this experience, I dont think they can relate Shelly.

Nowhere did Shelly state she is trying to save the marriage. 

Stop looking him up on FB, keep going no contact. He is much further along in his journey than you are. The one left picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of what happened goes through a MUCH bigger trauma then the person who decides the marriage is over and gives zero closure as to way and the left behind person later finds out he was f-cking someone else the entire time. 

Your feelings aren't wrong. They are completely NORMAL. You are divorced, yes, it's over. But I think it's silly when folks tell you that you should be over the last 8 yrs and abandonment of your spouse out of the blue if they haven't been there before.

Your ex has no clue what the gravity of his actions did/have had. And sadly, hewon't until it happens to him one day. 

You will be fine


----------



## 52flower

I totally understand how you feel and go through the same emotions. Even though it is over, I still wince at his past and current actions and know they all originated from his acts of betrayal. I'm working really hard to keep myself busy & have met new people as well staying active with old friends but I'm still aware that he deliberately chose acts that he knew hurt me, all for selfish reasons. I'm trying to find out where to put that knowledge to protect me from more agony. It's still hard and if you know of a faster way to minimize the emotion, please tell me. Shelly, I hope we will be better with time.


----------



## Brewster 59

Jellybeans said:


> Until people have had this experience, I dont think they can relate Shelly.
> 
> Nowhere did Shelly state she is trying to save the marriage.
> 
> Stop looking him up on FB, keep going no contact. He is much further along in his journey than you are. The one left picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of what happened goes through a MUCH bigger trauma then the person who decides the marriage is over and gives zero closure as to way and the left behind person later finds out he was f-cking someone else the entire time.
> 
> Your feelings aren't wrong. They are completely NORMAL. You are divorced, yes, it's over. But I think it's silly when folks tell you that you should be over the last 8 yrs and abandonment of your spouse out of the blue if they haven't been there before.
> 
> Your ex has no clue what the gravity of his actions did/have had. And sadly, hewon't until it happens to him one day.
> 
> You will be fine


:iagree: very well spoken, may karma give him what he deserves maybe a good dose of STDs.


----------



## Shelly29

Brewster 59 said:


> :iagree: very well spoken, may karma give him what he deserves maybe a good dose of STDs.


LOL hilarious!!!


----------



## Shelly29

DanF said:


> I'm not in your position (thankfully), but I think that I would consider divorce as the end. Trying to save the marriage is over.
> I'd like to think that I'd move on and find another. Whether "another" comes along in a month or a year, I am sure that I wouldn't sit around wondering what he's up to, talking to his friends about him and checking out the new girl (or guy) friend.
> Your first post tells that you are keeping up with his activities and don't want to let go.
> 
> Borderline stalking?


You are really lucky Dan, like you said that you are not going through this or have gone through it because its easier to criticize when you are outside looking in.

I actually dont sit around and wonder what he is doing every secod of the day, I have my own life, i live it to its fullest, i surround myself with true friends, go out and meet new people and stay active with sports and the gym. The only reason i found out about his new gf is because my girlfriends told me after I told them that he has been contacting me to try and be friends again. I was thinking that "oh ok he now wants to be friends...nice" but since they knew what he has really been up to they thought it would be best to let me know since my head is not on 100% right at the moment (and so thankful that they did) 

I dont stalk him, since I am the one that unfriended him on facebook and blocked him from my email..I kicked him out of the house, since he thought he could still stay living under the same roof.....unless i run around asking people to tell me whats going on in his life...which is so 5th grade and not worth it, i dont bother.

Hope that clarified things that might have led you to believe i am STALKING.


----------



## DanF

> Hope that clarified things that might have led you to believe i am STALKING.


I apologize if I offended you, I have a wonderful habit of looking at what's in front of me and being brutally honest.
If I made you think, then it's a good thing. If I pissed you off, maybe not so good.
Perhaps if you told your friends/his friends to not mention him anymore, this would be easier to put behind you.

No offense intended, I wish you the best.


----------



## Shelly29

Not offended at all nor pissed...i could tell you were being brutally honest. LOL always easier to do behind a screen. lol

Mutual friends have known from the beginning to not share the other persons life...your girlfriends got girlfriends back though, so they did this in this one situation for a real good reason so I thank them and have moved on....as I have gained clarity in what the ex's intentions where. I dont need him in my life at all, not even as a friend and just have to accept that as its for my best interest.


----------



## Feelingalone

Unfortunately Shelly, it just takes time. But it could be worse believe me. My ex was engaged before our divorce was final and married within 5 months thereafter. It her thing.. can't be alone although can't be dependent on a man either... a killer cycle she will continue. Heck I was Hubby #2.

Anway just wanted to let you know it could truly be worse. In time you will heal as long as you keep moving forward and doing things to make yourself happy.

Good luck.


----------



## Shelly29

Feelingalone said:


> Unfortunately Shelly, it just takes time. But it could be worse believe me. My ex was engaged before our divorce was final and married within 5 months thereafter. It her thing.. can't be alone although can't be dependent on a man either... a killer cycle she will continue. Heck I was Hubby #2.
> 
> Anway just wanted to let you know it could truly be worse. In time you will heal as long as you keep moving forward and doing things to make yourself happy.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you!


----------



## southbound

Shelly29 said:


> Tell me how I can get over a guy I loved for 8+ yrs and thought he was the one...if you have a great and easy fix I would love to know because its only been a couple months and 1 month since it was official.
> 
> Im venting here because I feel like my ex has turned into this whole other person to the other extreme and even though we are not together anymore per his choice completly it kinda hurts to see how quick (within days) he was to move on.....thats all.


I understand how you feel completely. I was married for 18 years to a woman I though was the one. She divorced me last December because she "wasn't happy anymore." She was dating a guy the week after wee divorced. 

My daughter pitched a fit and ran him off, but it hurt. I guess the one it catches by surprise is the one it hurts.

I have never experienced anything in my life that feels more strange than divorce. It would be as if your parents one day said, I don't want you as my son anymore, I'm getting a new son.


----------



## Shelly29

southbound said:


> I understand how you feel completely. I was married for 18 years to a woman I though was the one. She divorced me last December because she "wasn't happy anymore." She was dating a guy the week after wee divorced.
> 
> My daughter pitched a fit and ran him off, but it hurt. I guess the one it catches by surprise is the one it hurts.
> 
> I have never experienced anything in my life that feels more strange than divorce. It would be as if your parents one day said, I don't want you as my son anymore, I'm getting a new son.



It does feel strange huh? Cause you in your head really thought this was forever, that this was your soulmate and your best friend and that kids an grandkids were in the pictures etc....so its weird that the one person you trusted wouldnt be truthful and upfront with you from the begining. Its just having to accept the cards that were dealt to you, and move on and realize that maybe this wasnt the path life wanted you to take.


----------



## oceanbreeze

Hi Shelley29, I am sorry you are going through this. About a year and a half a year ago this happened to me, too. husband basically married for 6 months and grew up dating together since adolescence about 9 years. he was abusive, many addictions, cheated, and i'm sure right after he left before confessing the cheating the whole time, he was with others. got myself checked out, twice, everything negative. just have to do another one for clarity of mind and another papsmear with obgyn this time (primary doctor last time), and move on. divorce procedures is still going on, debts still there, but i try not to worry about that anymore. 

since then, per advice of my mom, i joined a church youth group (i'm 25 now), sought pastoral and conventional counseling, and work on some of my hobbies. the rest of my attention goes on helping my first family, working full time and making new friends. the former friends i had, i do not know if they are for him or for me, and i have seen how much advice and support they have given; prior and post marriage. after informing them, some stood back, others said to open up more about it, but i just dont feel their maturity is in it. so having new friends on a central theme of religion has truly helped me. 

i am not suggesting anything, but only informing you of the progress i have gone through. for each individual it takes a while to grow happier or bitter, make positive/negative changes, and either way you and each person grows.


----------



## Jellybeans

Hey Shelly--I hope you're doing ok.  Maybe you can plan a trip somewhere soon!


----------



## rider03

Well I tell ya...the day my divorce is final, I hope I have a date that night. I've been trying to save my marriage for years and she has refused to try and hasn't been initmate with me in a very long time. As far as I'm concerned, she's forfeited any and all right to be upset at anything I do after the divorce, including the day after. I've been lonely in my house for far too long and it will be my turn then.

I don't know your details Shelly and I can tell you are hurting. I'm sorry for you for that and I'm sure it will get better with time.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Shelley have you thought about taking a vacation? I just booked myself at the Club Med in the Turks and Caicos islands. And I am going by myself for the first time in my life. Going in June for 9 days


----------



## Jellybeans

^ Um... can I come???


----------



## notreadytoquit

sure  the more the merrier


----------



## Shelly29

hello everyone! I went through a low early this week and lost it...cried myself to sleep, was just upset i got dealt the cards i have and think its totally unfair and dont understand why just yet. Found out a couple of our mutual friends became "friends" on FB with the girlfriend and le like a 13 yr old just didnt like it....so i unfriended lots of people that were mutual friends ( of course mutual friends will always hang out with one or the other more....so since thy leaned on the ex's side, i decided i didnt need them in my life as a constant reminder. I knwo some people can be ok with all that but i dont want that crap in m life. I have also thought about movign back to san diego (where i am from) since i have friends and family there, although I really do like Denver tons. Its a thought for next yr.

Regarding the trip thing...i actually started a BUCKET LIST for 2011 and decided I would do something different and new every month for the entire yr, I am havign a blast with it and next month have signed up for Tough Mudder...a freakin ridiculous military obstacle course race that is 8 miles. I said, screw it, i can do it and I will. Its been great to push myself in trying new things.  I think everyone needs a bucket lsit after a divorce because it allows you to learn about urself again.


----------



## scdmack

Good for u. Where in sd are you from? I'm from the rb area.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Watched Dr. Phil tonight. He told some lady whose H was sitting next to her to kick him to the curb. (He had cheated and wasn't coming clean.) Felt like he was talking right to me.

You and I are going to get to a place one day when we look back at these sad excuses for mates for the last time, and then ...


we won't look back anymore. Keep the faith.


----------



## Shelly29

scdmack said:


> Good for u. Where in sd are you from? I'm from the rb area.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lived in East County, Santee area? Family lives in Chula Vista and POint Loma, I moved from SD 2 yrs ago cause the ex wanted change, so now i"m in Denver.....love it out here but always think about moving back.


----------



## sisters359

Great idea with the list, and good luck with it! I hope you will soon put this narcissistic cad in the "garbage out" slot of your brain, and despite the years invested, you will look back with that "what was I THINKING??" view in a few years, proud of the better person you become without him.


----------



## Shelly29

sisters359 said:


> Great idea with the list, and good luck with it! I hope you will soon put this narcissistic cad in the "garbage out" slot of your brain, and despite the years invested, you will look back with that "what was I THINKING??" view in a few years, proud of the better person you become without him.


Thank you very much!!! I do have to make a conscious effort everyday but i gotta keep thinking its for the best and will make me stronger and happier.


----------



## Sanity

Sorry to hear about your divorce Shelly. The best thing you can do right now is focus on your child and yourself. Go out and meet friends (not bars please) and maybe sign up to a gym. Get a hobby and please do not believe all men are pigs. 

I've been cheated on several times and I could care less because not all women are cheating *****s.


----------



## Shelly29

Sanity said:


> Sorry to hear about your divorce Shelly. The best thing you can do right now is focus on your child and yourself. Go out and meet friends (not bars please) and maybe sign up to a gym. Get a hobby and please do not believe all men are pigs.
> 
> I've been cheated on several times and I could care less because not all women are cheating *****s.


Thanks Sanity....no kids , just me and my two dogs, so i focus on myself, making new friends and appreciating m old friends.... I started running back in Oct when all this **** happened and I'm down another 10lbs....hit the gym almost every day, started playing beach v-ball again so im slowing putting my life together the way i want it.


----------



## Jellybeans

Glad to hear things are going well for you chicky!


----------



## Shelly29

Jellybeans said:


> Glad to hear things are going well for you chicky!


Thanks Jellz!  One foot in front of the other and keeping a smile on my face as much as I can and just picking up pieces and slowly starting again. Hope you are good too!


----------



## Cinema79

Shelly, this happened to me too. Ex-wife had a boyfriend lined up as soon as it was finalized, or maybe before. I could tell something was up, but wasn't sure. I was devastated when I found out. They are now married. 

These things hurt. BADLY.

People who rebound that quickly have real issues. They can't be alone, can't fathom life alone, and are trying to fill some sort of void that they have within themselves. They cannot be fixed or changed. 

If she is 22-years old, she is probably not ready to settle down anyways, and she'll go through several men after your ex-husband. 

Your ex-husband will stumble from relationship to relationship, but he is no longer your responsibility. He was not good to you. Be thankful that you did not have kids with him otherwise you'd be dealing with 18 years of pain and resentment. 

Don't snoop on your ex! Get off Facebook! Good luck!


----------



## DayOne

Must be getting close to Halloween. Another zombie thread, back from the dead!


----------



## SamuraiJack

I see dead postings...


----------

