# White Flag Is Up: How To Begin This Horrible Process?



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

So my white flag is up... After 6 months of "working on our marriage" in counseling (I did the "work," while my husband simply attended the sessions), I am admitting defeat. My white flag is up and I am agreeing to my husbands request for divorce. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I've tried and tried to offer alternate solutions. I've worked on myself -- and am thrilled with the results. But it hasn't changed my husband's original "decision" that he adamantly wants a divorce. And, as there's only so long I can beat a dead horse, I'm finally saying "Fine." I don't like it. I'm broken-hearted. But I think I've finally gotten to the place where I can say, "It's not my issue -- it's not my fault -- it's his choice" and move on. I love him. I love my stepson, whom I've raised from 3 to 12. And I'll do what I can to still be his mom. But my husband is no longer the man I married. He doesn't love me and I have to let him go. I may sound numb right now, but it's just the moment. I'm on the constant rollercoaster of inconsolable pain, fear, loss, worry, guilt, etc. I just happen to be in one of my moments of clarity right now. After throwing up the white flag, and admitting to myself that I can't change what's happening, the horrible pain and fear associated with my 6 months limbo has started to ease a bit. There is a tiny bit of relief in all of this too. Sounds strange, as I'd give anything to have my marriage work and keep my family, but maybe this relief is simply the fact that there is finally a single path, albeit a horrible one, on the horizon.

We haven't told our son yet. We are speaking with our counselor tomorrow to determine how and when. He's dealt with lifelong severe emotional and behavioral issues, and has been having a very hard time with middle school recently, so we need to do this with tact and sensitivity. He deserves that.

My questions:
- How do you separate bedrooms while you have to live together? Sounds odd, but HOW do you do it emotionally? How do you get through the first nights alone in the bed with your spouse in the other room? How do you deal with the loneliness, pain, etc. How long before it feels better?

- How do you separate your possessions -- those things that are associated with the marriage? How do you get through the process emotionally without crying as you look at every item?

- How do you decide whether to keep your married or maiden name?

- What do you do with your rings -- when do you take them off and what do you do with them?

- Once divorced, how do you move on? How do you get back on your feet as quickly as possible, while truly dealing with the loss (not just jumping into a new relationship to cover the pain)? How do you know when to start dating again?

So many questions -- anyone have recommendations for any other resources, books or other? I have accepted my fate -- I just don't have the slightest clue of how to start or get through this in one piece.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi Hopeful. I'm sorry you're going through this, but hopefully you'll have the peace of mind of knowing that you gave it one good last shot. I don't have experience with this (yet, though I may someday), so I don't have any wisdom to share. But I like the book idea alot. Your local bookstore probably has a whole section of these books. If you're worried about running into someone you know there, then drive a little further to one that isn't so close to your home. I think if you browse the selection you should find one that can speak to you.

After googling, I found a book and then a website with several books geared towards women (even one about teens and co-parenting):
Learning To Leave: A Woman's Guide

Your Divorce Compass: Best Divorce Resources


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Also, if you re-post in the "Life after Divorce" section of this board, you'll probalby run into more people that have gone through this and finished the process. I think this "Going through Divorce" section mainly contains people still in the process. You should get more feedback in the other board.

Thanks.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks, Hoops... good calls all around. I posted here because I'm just starting this process and hope those folks who are going through it can lend some advice.


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

Hi Hopeful.... I know this may sound a little strange, but I think the first thing you should do is consider yourself lucky to have had 6 months to work on your marriage. I know how that sounds, but at least you know that everything that was in your power to do, you were able to try. I wish I had had the chance you had. It would have made the separation so much easier for me - for the simple reason that I would have had a chance to be convinced that what I could do, I had done. 

Separating beds: Well, you just do. Someone keeps the old bed, and someone gets the guest room. No trades, no switches, no back and forth. From now on, its your room and its his room. Emotionally ? For me, this was actually the hardest part. I have been sleeping alone for almost 2 months now, and its the part I hate the most. Being alone in bed makes me cold, first of all. I've had to add 2 blankets just to keep from shivering. Then, at night, sometimes, when snow blows against my window, it sounds just like the covers of our bed moving. As though, so someone were moving next to me. Every time, my heart skips a beat at the thought of spooning my wife, and every time, my heart sinks when I realize again I am alone. The nights, are always short. I usually can't go past 2 or 3 hours. It just isn't normal yet for my psyche to not have a warm body next to mine. So I wake up around 2am or 3am and then toss until 7am. And finally, waking up is just as crappy. No one to kiss with morning breath, no one to take pleasure in pressing on snooze with.

All I know is, the sooner you start, the sooner you can get over what problems this brings you. 

Separating stuff ? Schedule a 3 or 4 hour block with your husband. Go through each and every room. Go over every item. Try to keep as little as humanly possible. Throw out as much as you can. I kept a lot of stuff for no good reason, and found myself throwing it all out a month later because it reminded me of my wife. Picture yourself throwing out this stuff now. Only keep the stuff that's either worth something, or means something to you where he isn't involved. The key to crying as little as possible is speed. 

-Your name... well, this isn't a problem I had, but I would go back to my maiden name if I were you. 

-I took off my ring the moment it became clear to me there wasn't any going back. I threw it in a drawer. I picked it up a month later, and it made me physically sick. I almost threw up and couldn't touch it for more than a moment. If it's worth something, sell it. If not, throw it away. This far down the road, I can't even bare to see it. Might as well nail that drawer shut. 

-To move on... well, I haven't embarked on any new relationships. It's a bit more difficult for guys to just get sex also. What I did was, and you'll see this *a lot* on these forums... I started to work on myself. I had started working out a few month earlier - I kept at it, and ratcheted up the intensity... I made it my #1 goal to not start smoking again (had quit just 4 months prior to being dumped), I started reconnecting with old friends, and I created objectives for myself (the first was to finalize all the paperwork as quickly as possible - that kept me very busy for a while - I took care of *everything* but it was worth it just for the busy work), the second was to get signed up for a 10K run, and now, my third is to get a job on the other side of the continent and GTFO here. 

I'm 2 months in, and although I've regained my appetite, and generally feel almost normal, she pops into my head regularly (at least once an hour, usually more). I get angry at being betrayed. I find myself talking to her out loud when I'm alone. I'm repulsed by the idea of her and her new boyfriend together. It gives me this weird kind of ADD - I can't concentrate on a task for any reasonable length of time because I get sidetracked by these thoughts. Very annoying. 

Somehow, I survive... and you will too. Use these forums. It helps to vent. 

Write him letters, but do NOT send them.

And remember this always : The Best Revenge Is Living Well. 

Take care xox


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Hopeful...i'm sorry .
I also envy you that you were given a chance....all i want is a chance at the moment ,no matter the outcome..


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Bedroom seperation started when my husband cheated on me. That led to seperate bedrooms for 9 months until he moved out in September. Yes, it was lonely. However, I didn't consider it "my" bedroom until I cleaned out the closet, and made it my "own" this past weekend.

The rings came off for me in September when he moved out. He hasn't worn his ring in years.


the rest I can't answer...I haven't gone that far.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

I like the idea of making the room "my own." Not that it would be easy, but maybe it would somehow make it less "ours." We'll be stuck living together for a while, so I somehow have to make the best of it. Although I've given up and have accepted that I'm getting a divorce, I'm still scared, nervous, uncomfortable, sad, etc. The whole grief process is ongoing and it sucks.

Thanks, McFly, for your detailed input. The room by room idea is good... I'm not sure if I can do it with him or should do it on my own. I'm afraid I'll cry endlessly over every item, even those that won't be so important later on. It's the "end of life as I knew it" part that's eating at me. Tried to separate out some holiday ornaments the other day and found myself on a heap on the floor. I just didn't know what to do with all of them -- especially those custom "Dad, mom, son" tree decorations that we buy for each year. 

Even though I have truly accepted this, and know that my marriage is over, I'm hurting so deeply right now. I want to leave everything and run away, never looking back. But I know that I can't (and shouldn't) do that... especially for my stepson's sake.


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