# Am I unreasonable?



## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, we have to wonderful boys aged 5 and 8. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years back. Our oldest son has been diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, we have been going back and forth to psychologist for years now and endless meetings with the school. 

He has had sleeping problems since he was approximately 4,5 years old, we had to sit in his room every night until he falls asleep until last year. My wife could not handle this so I had to do this most of the time. I can understand my wife's condition as well as the issues we are facing with my oldest son is tiring for my wife.

Here is some more background of our everyday. She is 40% employed in a low stress environment. She is usually working 2 days a week, one evening shift and one day shift. Every other Saturday she is also working. She really enjoys her work. During the day she usually drops the kids of a school and then stop by a girl friend. Then she is off to spend her day with her horse.

More background, we have been to therapy twice, once was because of me not being able to talk about my feelings and not taking initiative to date night. The second time was because my wife is not doing her part in the relationship (this was 4 years ago).

I am employed full-time with a good job. I take on all the house duties vacuuming, mopping, washing windows, changing beds, tidying and making lunch for the kids before I leave for work in the mornings. My wife has the responsibility of washing clothes and doing food shopping, however I tend to do that most of the time since my wife just let it heap up and does not pack anything away or does not wash the clothes. Food shopping is usually mess, she does not do this or she does not make a list and only buy half the things we need. Often I go out shopping at night after the kids are in bed. I try to be home at least one day a week where I help to get the kids ready for school. Then my wife does not lift a finger to help out. The days when she is working then I go into the office real early so that I can be in time to fetch the kids from school.

I get at least one of my sons ready for bed every night. When she is working then I get both ready and put both to bed. I cook dinner at least 2 times a during the working week and most of the time on weekends. When it is her turn to make dinner at home for the kids and me it is never enough food and always a quick and easy solution. And she tends to leave the kitchen in a real disaster.

I am taking care of finances now since she has been getting us into a bit of a financial situation after mis management of the funds I transferred her for our bills.

My issue is that my wife will never initiate sex, she has is never in the mood. My guess is the times we have sex it is out of pity and trying to get me from not leaving her. 

I am number 4 or 5 on her list of important people. In the mornings there is always text messages or Facebook messenger messages on her phone from someone. I will not hear from her in the mornings unless she is looking for something. I have taken this up with her, and said that when I don't wake up with them, then it is nice to hear from her. 

However, it is always the kids (which is how it should be), then it is Facebook time. After dropping the kids off she is off to her girl friend, then off to the stables. If I am lucky I will hear from her after she is done in the stables.

She says I am at work and she doesn't want to disturb me, however she can easily phone me to find out how the TV works, so that she can get the kids of her back so that she can surf on her phone. 

She spends hours on Facebook not liking a single post or posting anything, however a lot of times I can see her typing. 

Every afternoon after I get home she goes and sit down on a sofa away from the kids and me, spends time surfing her phone and then she falls asleep and sleeps until the boys have to go to bed. 

She never intiates a date night after I have been asking her to try and take initiative. I think I am not that bad at initiating it or arranging it, I have arranged several overnight stays at hotels, movie nights and dates at home. 

She does not respect me, she laughed at an old school photo of mine, making fun of my ears. She takes no interest in my friends that means a lot to me. The other day I tried showing her photos of one of my best friends I manage to reconnect with after many years and she told me she did not have to see more photos. 

She hardly tells me of anything that happens in her family or in her life.

Some days she goes out doing other things than driving to her girl friend and then to the stables, this I hardly hear about or know about. I told her I don't need an agenda of her day, it would just be nice to know what she is doing during the day since I don't hear from her. When I confronted her about this she said that now she is going to be scared that she might forget to tell me things and that I am stressing her. To me it seems more like hiding things. I have also caught her lying a few times about places she has been but I did not tell her that I knew she was lying.

When I tell her that she makes me feel unappreciated, and stupid for trying to make our marraige last, and like she is not respecting me then she says she is sorry. And that I mean the world to her. However her actions never shows me any of these.

Question: Am I unreasonable for being fed-up and in doubt of this woman loving me?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My ex developed bipolar disorder perhaps 10 or so years into our marriage. Our marriage was already sexless, so not a happy one from my perspective. I was still able to deal with her well enough that I stayed, but thought often about leaving. However, when she started being disrespectful and irresponsible, it was definitely time to leave. I had been stupidly optimistic that things could change, but of course they did not - except for the worse. Leaving lifted a tremendous burden off me, and I quickly became much happier and healthier. She adapted, too, and was well enough on her newer meds to be functional.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

hadenough12 said:


> Question: Am I unreasonable for being fed-up and in doubt of this woman loving me?


No, but that's not the question you probably should be asking yourself.


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

Thank you for your reply "Married but Happy". I guess I have been optimistic all along hoping things will change for the better, which is clear it is not going too..


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

OMG. Read your post as if someone else wrote it. Now how would you answer him? 

Why are you protecting her from becoming a grown up? What do you fear will happen? 

Please, read this... No More Mr. Nice Guy

Boundaries in Marriage


Best


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you have an extra kid to take care of.

Is that how you want to live?

Is is worth it to remain married?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

No, you're not unreasonable at all! What exactly does she bring into the marriage these days? It sounds like you're already doing everything yourself. 

Have you ever looked into the possibility that she's having an affair?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@hadenough1


> My issue is that my wife will never initiate sex


That's actually only the tip of the iceberg.









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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I think he's covered the entire iceberg in his post. 

He left out the Titanic though, maybe because he's traveling in the 3rd class area of the ship.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

hadenough12 said:


> My issue is that my wife will never initiate sex, she has is never in the mood. My guess is the times we have sex it is out of pity and trying to get me from not leaving her.


I'm fascinated that you think the main issue is that your wife doesn't initiate sex.....:slap:

OP, there are loads more issues in your marriage than a lack of happy, bouncy, nookie. For starters, your emotionally unstable wife appears to be exceptionally lazy as a partner and as a parent, disrespectful of you in a myriad of ways that she seems to go out of her way to make apparent to you, and is apparently addicted to something on her phone which she clearly prefers to interacting with you. Then, there's the conflict avoidance, score-keeping, and general Nice Guy-ness you seem to be plagued with. 

Back to marriage counseling. Or get a divorce. You could hardly be doing more work if you were single, and might actually find you do less without having that third child to take care of. But, whether you divorce or not, I strongly recommend some IC for you. I think you need to figure out why you have been putting up with poor treatment from a partner and learn some strategies for avoiding that in the future.


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> No, you're not unreasonable at all! What exactly does she bring into the marriage these days? It sounds like you're already doing everything yourself.
> 
> Have you ever looked into the possibility that she's having an affair?


Yes, I have. She has her phone connected to the car's bluethooth, and often when I get in the car and she is in the house her phone is still connected. There is never any strange numbers that she dailed or that she received. The only thing can be that she is having a relationship with this friend of hers. Which would be a bit strange since she is married too with kids...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I second reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy. Read this before you do anything else. It will explain a lot.

How bad is her bipolar?


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

turnera said:


> I second reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy. Read this before you do anything else. It will explain a lot.
> 
> How bad is her bipolar?


It is now pretty much under control with the medication she is taking. However, approximately 3 times a year she gets a low period that can last from a day to a week, and then she is usually of work due to the episode.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not too bad. I have a friend whose low periods last weeks. It's really torn their family apart.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, I'd say you're not unreasonable. You have a very unhealthy dynamic in your marriage, and it's not going to change unless you do something to change it. The other previous posters have already offered better advice than I could provide, so I suggest you listen to them.

You can spend the rest of your life miserable with this woman, or you could do something about it. Your choice.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hadenough12 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 9 years, we have to wonderful boys aged 5 and 8. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years back. Our oldest son has been diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, we have been going back and forth to psychologist for years now and endless meetings with the school.
> 
> He has had sleeping problems since he was approximately 4,5 years old, we had to sit in his room every night until he falls asleep until last year. My wife could not handle this so I had to do this most of the time. I can understand my wife's condition as well as the issues we are facing with my oldest son is tiring for my wife.
> 
> ...


*Try Facebook "Chat!"

And provided that you can successfully access her private FB account settings, what you may find in there might be more than you're actually prepared for seeing and/or dealing with!*


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

She is completely disassociated. She is living in her trapped world with you and then feeling free when she is on her phone not focusing on her actual world. That's ok sometimes (even often), but never when it comes at the cost of spending time with your spouse. Maybe she is cheating, may she wants to. She certainly doesn't seem interested in fixing her life with you. I think the 180 was designed for situations like this and when the kids go to bed, go out with your buddies and get beers. Start living you own life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think you're at all unreasonable for feeling the way you do OP, not one bit. I feel so sad for you. For all you do for her, she should show you some appreciation. You're her husband, you should be her number 1, right at the top of her list.

I caution you though to think long and hard before leaving, at least until the kids are old enough to leave with you. It would be EXTREMELY selfish and unfair of you to leave, and for them to be alone with her. Even for half the time. You're the only responsible parent they have, and if you leave they'll end up taking care of her and that's not their job.

A lot of mentally ill people hide behind their illness, use it a crutch, even a badge of honour - my mum did this. The way she's treating you is disgusting and needs to change.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Try Facebook "Chat!"
> 
> And provided that you can successfully access her private FB account settings, what you may find in there might be more than you're actually prepared for seeing and/or dealing with!*


Yeah. Have you viewed the Facebook chat? I know it's snooping but at this point it is the better of alternative options, i.e. impending divorce.


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## AngstyAnnie (Jan 24, 2017)

I am living with a bipolar spouse. He's currently on a decent plateau. I don't know if your spouse hits healthier/happier plateaus or not. These periods are unpredictable and not guaranteed, as you know. I can tell you that the longer it goes on, the roller coaster ride, that is, the harder it seems to keep affection and love flowing for him.


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Try Facebook "Chat!"
> 
> And provided that you can successfully access her private FB account settings, what you may find in there might be more than you're actually prepared for seeing and/or dealing with!*





frusdil said:


> I don't think you're at all unreasonable for feeling the way you do OP, not one bit. I feel so sad for you. For all you do for her, she should show you some appreciation. You're her husband, you should be her number 1, right at the top of her list.
> 
> I caution you though to think long and hard before leaving, at least until the kids are old enough to leave with you. It would be EXTREMELY selfish and unfair of you to leave, and for them to be alone with her. Even for half the time. You're the only responsible parent they have, and if you leave they'll end up taking care of her and that's not their job.
> 
> A lot of mentally ill people hide behind their illness, use it a crutch, even a badge of honour - my mum did this. The way she's treating you is disgusting and needs to change.


Thank you for your feedback! You are absolutely right, I cannot leave our kids with her! I have been playing the scenario in my head several times, and I cannot do it to them.


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

AngstyAnnie said:


> I am living with a bipolar spouse. He's currently on a decent plateau. I don't know if your spouse hits healthier/happier plateaus or not. These periods are unpredictable and not guaranteed, as you know. I can tell you that the longer it goes on, the roller coaster ride, that is, the harder it seems to keep affection and love flowing for him.


Yes, she has her happier/more energized episodes, this is usually when she attempts to do something around the house. It is easy to understand that with a long term roller coaster ride the affection and love fades. :frown2:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@hadenough12

Have you had any time around your chores to browse those books? 

You do recognize that nothing will change unless you do. 

I'm not saying to get rid of her or punish her. I'm saying you must be willing to set a boundary for what you will accept in a marriage.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

no, you're not being unreasonable for being upset or questioning your wife's feelings about you.

this is a case of "i want her to want me" and there's no real cure; you can only make her aware of how she makes you feel, but the rest is up to her

given all that you do for the family (work, chores, childcare, etc) it's simply unreasonable for you to accept this treatment from your wife

if it were me, i would give my wife a fair chance at improving the situation (whatever that takes, be it counseling, therapy, what have you)... if things didn't turn around in a reasonable amount of time, i would petition for divorce, seek full custody of the kids with visitation rights, and start a new life

life is too short to live unloved and die in regret.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

hadenough12 said:


> Thank you for your feedback! You are absolutely right, I cannot leave our kids with her! I have been playing the scenario in my head several times, and I cannot do it to them.


I'm so glad to hear that  It's not fair for them to be left alone there, you're the only sanity and light in their lives. How old are they? Even if you wait until they're old enough to have a say where they live, you don't necessarily have to stay until they're grown.

A friend of mine's dad left his first wife (her mum is his second wife) when her bi-polar got too much. They had two kids, and because he left them with her they hardly have anything to do with him. They resent him big time for it, and I can't say I blame them.



_anonymous_ said:


> if things didn't turn around in a reasonable amount of time, i would petition for divorce, seek full custody of the kids with visitation rights, and start a new life


The problem with that is, being the father, he's unlikely to get full custody. It's not reasonable for the kids to be stuck there alone with her, they'll have to pick up the slack for OP...they'll become her carers and she'll suck the life out of them.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

hadenough12 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 9 years, we have to wonderful boys aged 5 and 8. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years back. Our oldest son has been diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, we have been going back and forth to psychologist for years now and endless meetings with the school.
> 
> He has had sleeping problems since he was approximately 4,5 years old, we had to sit in his room every night until he falls asleep until last year. My wife could not handle this so I had to do this most of the time. I can understand my wife's condition as well as the issues we are facing with my oldest son is tiring for my wife.
> 
> ...


It was unreasonable for you to allow this to go on for 9 years


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> @hadenough12
> 
> Have you had any time around your chores to browse those books?
> 
> ...


Yes, I have gotten started on "No more Mr. Nice guy" only on chapter 2 now though. Will have some more time these coming evenings.


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I'm so glad to hear that  It's not fair for them to be left alone there, you're the only sanity and light in their lives. How old are they? Even if you wait until they're old enough to have a say where they live, you don't necessarily have to stay until they're grown.
> 
> A friend of mine's dad left his first wife (her mum is his second wife) when her bi-polar got too much. They had two kids, and because he left them with her they hardly have anything to do with him. They resent him big time for it, and I can't say I blame them.
> 
> ...


They are 8 and 5.


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

MarriedDude said:


> It was unreasonable for you to allow this to go on for 9 years


Hi, I have to apologize, I was not very clear in my original post, it has not been like this all along, it started after our first son was born.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

hadenough12 said:


> I am employed full-time with a good job. I take on all the house duties vacuuming, mopping, washing windows, changing beds, tidying and making lunch for the kids before I leave or work in the mornings.


Welcome to the world of *a lot* of married women. Big deal. I've done all this - plus the laundry and shopping - for 30+ years and counting, as have many other females through time. How amusing it is when a man is saddled with all the sh*t your average woman is routinely stuck with, it's suddenly something to write about.



> Question: Am I unreasonable for being fed-up and in doubt of this woman loving me?


Not at all. You're just raising a third child and over-compensating for her medical condition. She's an uninvolved parent, an uninvolved wife, and an uninvolved member of the household. She's a child who isn't willing to put on her big girl pants and actually contribute to your life; instead, she wants to play with her horse all day and then chat to some guy on Facebook all night.

So what's your plan?


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## hadenough12 (Jan 23, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> hadenough12 said:
> 
> 
> > I am employed full-time with a good job. I take on all the house duties vacuuming, mopping, washing windows, changing beds, tidying and making lunch for the kids before I leave or work in the mornings.
> ...


Don't get me wrong. I don't mind getting my hands dirty and doing things around the house. I gladly do it, since I believe that chores should be shared around the house. 

The reason I brought it up was actually to show that I am not sitting on my behind expecting her to do everything, and that I am tired of not getting noticed by my spouse regardless of what I do.

My plan is to finish the book I started on. Start spending more time on me. Chew on some of the advice I got here, and see how I can make life more pleasant for me. 

Not get a divorce, not just yet, so that my kids is not stuck with her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There are apps she can use to talk with others. They won't show up on a call or text log. If she is typing all the time and you don't find anything she is posting, then you need to get ahold of her phone and see what apps she has.


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