# Feeling sheepish, but here I am...



## picket fences (Mar 22, 2010)

Hi There,

Way back in late March/April, I wrote some posts in "Considering divorce or separation", one titled "How long can you stand with no ground beneath your feet?" and the other called "How on earth did I ever end up here?". For backstory, if you need that, you can read up there - I won't repeat, I tend to be wordy 

So....about 2.5 months ago, my husband tells me our marriage is over. We are both great people, he has nothing bad to say about me, but we are just not right for each other, never have been, he doesn't think we ever can be. That's his story and he's stickin' to it.

I am not stupid. We have been married for 11 years, and we have two great kids. We have had a lot of good times and have held each other up through a lot of bad times. But our marriage has not been the Cinderella-and-Prince Charming fairytale. There have been problems, things have been strained, there has been this ever-present elephant in the corner. This does not come completely out of the blue.

When he tells me he's leaving, I fall apart, and in the process of building myself back up, I discover a lot of broken parts that need fixing. I was raised in a family that could be a textbook case for dysfunctionality - alcoholic father, just-plain-crazy mother, out-of-control older brother, you name it. I am now a Social Worker - go figure. But I was blind to my own issues, and I discovered them and went hard-core into owning up to them -to my husband, to friends, to family I could trust - and started the long process of fixing them.

I then lived through two months of hell. About a week after saying that he needed to leave, H told me that he would stay to see if he thought there was a possiblity for things to work out. So I of course jumped on this chance. I worked on me. I showed him the broken peices of me as I picked them up and put them back together, and I said "look, I found this broken piece, and I'm going to fix it now". I had more - and better! - sex with him, and genuinely enjoyed it (don't judge, it made sense at the time). I "gave him space", didn't complain about him staying out with friends late at night playing guitar at open mic nights while I did all the childcare, etc. I tried to figure out his gobbledy-**** regarding his needs that weren't being met, and tried to meet them. I basically handed myself to him on a silver platter.

He had told me that one of the things that led to his decision that he needed to leave, was an experience with a co-worker who he said he felt an "emotional connection" to, in a way he had never felt to me. Yes, this is where I'm going....

He told me that it was a short-lived thing that built up and culminated in a night where they "flirted" and "played footsie under the table" at a work social event, and that afteward they both felt foolish and ended it. But he said that the brief experience of "feeling emotionally connected" to her, revealed to him what we were missing, and he wanted to go out and seek that in the world.

My gut - my heart! - told me that there was something wrong. But my husband is a good, honourable, just... GOOD, man - at least, he always had been. A good dad. A good son. A good friend. Good everything.

But your gut knows. And my gut knew. So as I went through two months of handing myself over on a silver platter, and I got NOTHING in return from him but vague updates in counselling sessions that "nothing has changed, for him" and there is a "brick wall he can't see over", I just knew that the other woman was still "the other woman", somehow.

I asked him to tell me the truth. I wrote a letter and directly asked him what was happening, and whether this woman was standing between him, and I, and any chance of reconcilliation. I could not get over thoughts of this woman just...being in the way.

He denied. He belittled me. He literally tried to make me think I was going crazy, that I had become "fixated". He answered every question about the other woman by stating that "the problems were there long before she ever came along", and that I was "fixating" on her to avoid looking at the real cause of our break-up.

So, this went on an on, and I was dying. And on Wednesday morning, I sunk to a low level and snooped, because I was dying and needed to know what on earth he was feeling or thinking, because I was getting nothing from him. And I found, in a hidden notebook (not hidden well at all), a love letter to the other woman, written the previous night - this past Tuesday night, four days ago.

I would rather have been dead than read that letter.

I confronted him immediately. He first became indignant at my "snooping", but he wisely dropped that quickly and just admitted. It. All. 

He has been carrying on a heated, involved, overwhelming emotional affair this whole time. He states he became attracted to her in Spring of 2009, and that things became reciprocal just this past winter some time. He denies having sex, and I actually believe him. He admits to kissing her, and lying to me at every turn, and being cruel, and actually stooping to trying to make me think I was crazy so that I would stop trying to discover the truth.

So my husband and I had a counselling appointment set for that very day (Wednesday) anyway, and we went. And he admitted it all there. And said that his feelings for her were very strong, and that he knew it was wrong and the guilt had been killing him, and that he "cared" for me but had not "loved me as a man should love his wife" for a very long time (no surprise there), but that he realized he also had not put any effort at all into fixing that or doing anything about it, because ALL his emotional energy was being invested in the other woman, in keeping that going while also keeping it hidden, and all that entails.

He told me that upon informing her that they had been "caught", they actually realized for the first time the real-life damage they were doing to their families, and the "bubble burst" on their fantasy. She told her husband that night about everything, and then she e-mailed my husband, telling him that she loves her husband, wants to fix her own marriage, and that they were over, for good. H showed me the e-mail exchange in his private account. H says that there have been several times that they have come to this point; agreeing that they were cuasing too much damage, and agreeing to end things. And then starting them right back up again....

So. Wednesday afternoon, my H states everything is over with with the OW, and he makes some serious committments about stopping all contact with her, other than the fact that they do work at the same school and financially, we cannot afford for him to stop doing that. However, he's clear that this doesn't mean he is going to turn around and commit to me - things are too far gone, he basically says.

Then, Thursday mid-morning, he calls me at work, crying. He sobs about how sorry he is, it is just driving home to him now how much pain he's caused and how bad he screwed up. And then he says that he wants to "try to fix it". He says there are problems in our marriage that have been around since before the affair, but that he realizes he never put an honest try into fixing them and trying to love me again, because his focus was on her.

So. *What the HELL*? What do I do? I am so confused and struggling....for two and a half months, I would have done anything to hear my husband say that he was going to put an honest effort into fixing this. Now he finally says it when I can barely even look at him without feeling I need to throw up - and that is not an exaggeration. I can't touch him, because that other woman has touched him. I just....can't.

But when I picture myself as an old lady some day, he's sure the old man that's beside me. What a fool am I.

Any reflections...any advise...any "hey, that sucks, I've been there"...would be welcome!


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## scalpel (Mar 21, 2010)

I don't think any posts should go unanswered! Been there, found an EA about 2 months ago. This has uncovered a ton of problems in our marriage. We are still together and sorting through them, but this week I lost some hope. I opened that door that leads to life without my wife ( in my mind only). 

Thinking about growing old without your spouse is the worst.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

picket fences~

I have a LOT to say but honestly--it's Saturday night and I have had a tiring day. I will think about it and try to write it all down for you tomorrow, okay?

For tonight though, I would suggest this. I would propose that you and your hubby agree to live under the same roof, in separate rooms temporarily--or remain as you are, separated. Don't move forward on anything legal, and if something has been filed, just stall it. I propose that you tell him right out loud that you are most definitely not sure if you can take him back knowing what you know 

*BUT...*

...that for now you are willing to put things on "hold", continue working on you, give HIM time to work on HIM....and you are open to the possibility of being willing to try to build something ENTIRELY NEW. 

When you made your vow, you made a vow to devote all of your affection and loyalty to him until you were dead...and you're not dead. He almost killed you, it hurt so much, but then again he also saw the light and the fog cleared up. From this point forward you know of your personal issues and you're working on them. This makes you a better woman, wife, mother. This would be a great time for him to do a littler personal counseling to work on his issues! It would make him a better man, husband and father. The old marriage you had is broken--when he broke his vows he smashed it--but you two are now in a place where you could build a new, wiser, more intimate, more mature marriage. 

So for now, in a way, make no decisions. (My rule of thumb: Make no decisions when the pain is still fresh and your mind is still reeling.) Be honest with him, and consider the possibility of being willing to rebuild. See if he ACTS in a way that is honest with you, even when it embarrasses him or is hard. See if he makes the effort to work on himself personally and own his own issues. If so--you could have a whole, new marriage with the man who also sees you as the old lady beside him.

 More tomorrow!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's going to take a few months for him to get over her. He's in love with her still, and breaking it off is causing him a heartbreak reaction, no different than if he was a teenager that just got dumped.

So the emotional rollercoaster is going to continue for a little while. It's very difficult to just stop feelings instantly and there will be a greiving process he'll need to go through.

As appalling as it may sound, allowing him to talk about her and comforting him through the pain is actually very helpful. And it reforges his bonds to you.


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## picket fences (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks for the responses, all. I know my posts tend to be LOOONG and are a little daunting to get through 

Affaircare - H and I have continued to live in the same house throughout all of this. He sleeps on an air mattress in the rec room - classy, hey? For our kids, this has become the "new normal".

We live in Canada, so the divorce laws are different here - you can't file for divorce until you've been living separately for one full year, which you have to be able to prove with various documentation. I think that's wise. So nothing's been filed and I am definitely in that place where I can feel that everything is way too raw to make a sound decision. 

Half my heart and my head keep leaping ahead to when all this is behind us and things are better because H is finally ready to do something about it; but my gut and the rest of my heart hold me back, telling me that this man has proven himself to be a man who can change with the wind, and there will be more winds - can I trust him? Do I want "leftovers"? Am I loving myself enough if I decide to go ahead and keep loving him, after all this?

This weekend, I've been at my house totally alone because on Friday morning I told him I needed him out of my sight for a few days at least. I just couldn't handle the immense feelings just having him in the house were causing. So he took our kids and went up to his parent's cottage, and he's been texting/e-mailing/calling me almost continually with new revelations and insights into himself. Things I've been dying to hear for YEARS - things like: "The blinders have come off, and maybe I'm not the person I thought I was", or "I've never given you enough credit, I realize I've never treated you like a real partner, and I always convinced myself it was something YOU were doing wrong", and so on. All really good stuff. 

But I'm still way back at the place where I'm standing there reading his letter to the OW. He called her is "bright flame" and said they were "two joined brains, two joined hearts" and said that he "felt strong when he stood beside her". And lots that was even more intimate (although not sexual). I feel like he wants to skip the part where he ha to take account of what he's done and be responsible for the magnitude of it; he wants to skip right to the "it's all behing us, we can have a whole new relationship" part. He even wrote a message suggesting that if things work out with us, we should take the money he would've spent on renting his own apartment, and use it to take a "honeymoon" to London or Paris or Amsterdam...

And in my heart and mind, I'm still standing there reading that letter. He needs to SLOW DOWN. but whenever I try to slow him down, he gets very frustrated and makes comments like "How often do I have to say I'm sorry?", and I'm afraid he'll just give up and leave. Which, I guess, would show his character anyway, if that's the kind of person he is - but still....

Aahhh, I have never been so f***** up in my life.......


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Again, I don't think I'll be able to write ALL that I'd like to say but can I give you one small thought? 

The disloyal spouse is in fact able to "move past it" faster because they HAD all the pieces to the puzzle, could see the whole picture, and hid some of the pieces from the loyal spouse. You are having trouble "moving past it" because you just GOT some pieces! You are just now seeing the picture that he's seen for two and a half months! 

However, from a disloyal point of view, one huge fear is that the loyal will sort of "get stuck in the past" which is a place that is embarrassing to the disloyal--a place that they regret and that was a huge, awful mistake. So the disloyal acts like they want to hurry because they want some reassurance that there will be a good PRESENT and there can be a happy FUTURE, and that the past won't be held against them forever like a sword over their head. 

Thus I have a suggestion. I suggest that you explain to your hubby the puzzle piece thing--that might help him understand that to you, you just got the pieces and are seeing the picture he's seen now for two months, so you need time to adjust, react, and take it all in. That is reasonable. Likewise I suggest you explain to him that you DO want to be open to letting it go and working past it so that it's not held over is head and he's not punished for it forever...just right now you need to work through it yourself. If you are open to having a good PRESENT with him--living today as if you care for each other--mention that today,in the moment, you can do that. If you are open to having a whole new FUTURE together, let him know that you do see that as a possibility to give him some hope. 

My point is that the you do need time to get through it, and his deeds are part of what has caused this hurt for you in the first place, so give him a bit of hope and then ask him for what you need that would help you survive this. Make it a request, not a commandment, and allow him to help you. Maybe it's not "hugs and kisses" because that's just too much...but maybe it's just something like "...I need someone to lean on and I may say some things that are not too complimentary, but I need a friend right now, someone who cares about me...not a lover. Can you be a friend to me?"

Also, let me just point out one thing specifically to you. When the affair was happening, it was a fantasy he had created in his own head. What I mean by that is that here is the OW and she met needs #1 and #2 but never even had to meet #3, #4, #5 and never had to face any love extinguishers at all! And from meeting those couple of needs, he built her up in his mind to be his soulmate, his perfect match, she could sense his thoughts, she understood him perfectly, she completes him, blah blah blah. Well you know and I know, feet firmly on the ground here, that NO HUMAN BEING is a perfect match and can sense your thoughts and understand the other perfectly and all that, right? This is why we call it a fantasy--because the OP is so built up in an unrealistic way (he or she is perfect) and never has to face "real life"; whereas the spouse is so torn down and has to live with trying to meet all the needs, not being perfect, and dealing with the disloyals bad habits, thoughtlessness, unemployment or other stuff that life throws at you. The affair is all entirely a built up, fake thing! 

....AND SO IS EVERY WORD IN THAT LETTER. That letter to the OW is just as fake and ungrounded in reality as the whole rest of the affair. Each word is written partly to convince the author that it's true--not that it actually IS true. In contrast, the things your hubby is realizing now, things like _"I've never given you enough credit, I realize I've never treated you like a real partner, and I always convinced myself it was something YOU were doing wrong"_ really are based in reality because he's seeing a REAL partner versus the fake/unreal partner. Does that make sense? The letter to the OW is just as fictitious as the affair was.


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