# Giving up hope



## 33sillygirl (Jun 9, 2009)

I know I keep posting threads, but I really feel your advice helps me. Its nice to hear from people who are where I am at, instead of my friends and family who do really care but just dont get it. 
This Sunday my husband of ten years came for his day with the kids. I asked him if after this month separation if he would be moving back in and we could work on things. He said he did not think so. I freaked out and asked him to please give us, me and the kids, a chance to try to see if there is anything there. He talked to me with disrespect and I almost did not recognize this man. At the end of our conversation I am still confused yet hopeful. Then today I find out that he has opened up a separate checking account and did not tell me, which makes me believe that he is moving on and I am still here trying to raise our kids and work on my marriage for nothing. I wonder what else he is doing. I am heartbroken, nauseous,and I feel cheated and lost. I am not ugly, I have not let myself go, we do have sex regularly, so what is wrong with me. I love him and always try to show it in little ways. My main question, do I need to just admit to myself that it is over and try to heal and move on. Or do I continue on the emotional roller coaster to fight for any chance there may be.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

33sillygirl said:


> I asked him if after this month separation if he would be moving back in and we could work on things. He said he did not think so.


Well, he told you where he stands. My stbx used to tell me the same thing when asked that question. I just didn't want to accept his answer.




33sillygirl said:


> Then today I find out that he has opened up a separate checking account and did not tell me, which makes me believe that he is moving on and I am still here trying to raise our kids and work on my marriage for nothing. I


Yep, that can be a sign he is moving on.

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this. I'm sure it is particularly hard with the small children. However, it gets even harder to live in "limbo land" for years. Unfortunately, I lived there for three years, and it took its tole on me. I should have put an end to his indecisiveness much sooner. Will he discuss going to counseling? If not, that may be you final clue. If he won't go to counseling as a couple, you can go to individual counseling--it will help with the confusion in your life right now. Good luck!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am sorry this is happening to you and your family. I KNOW it is heartbreaking. What was the reason for the split? 

I would move forward with my life and keep the door open a bit. Pretend that you are going to be a single person raising children and that you need to prepare for that.....(jobs, financial, etc). I say "pretend" because this is what I do....I just can't, at this point, realize that my marriage is coming apart and we'll live seperate lives forever. Either way, you are moving forward.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have been out of the house for 9 months. 
Do you know why your marriage is broken? It's an important question to be honest with yourself about.
What I can tell you with certainty, is that the more you _pursue_ him (beg, plead, cry, call, text, demand answers) the more he is going to pull away and feel justified in doing so.

You don't need to give up, but you do need to change what you are doing. You must focus upon yourself - not your marriage. I realize how counterintuitive it sounds. The only way you can ever focus on your marriage is when _both_ of you choose to do so - and it simply isn't an issue that you can force.

In the same way you cannot control what actions he takes, or chooses to discuss with you, the same holds true in reverse. The more you begin to act and think independently, the closer you get to one of two outcomes:
setting the stage for reconciliation, or better preparing yourself if reconciliation is not possible.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

Having small children, working full-time is probably one of the most stressful times in a marriage. I've read your other posts, and the reasons he gave you sound fairly 'common', nothing earth shattering, but more like letting the stress of a very busy life come out in negative ways rather than focusing on the positive. He may have been feeling unappreciated and/or a loss of independence and took a look at his life and didn't want to continue down this road. He's probably had these thoughts for quite some time before telling you about them and once he did he probably felt some sense of relief that it's out in the open. Being away he is able to regain some of his independence.

I agree that begging, pleading or otherwise freaking out will probably only reinforce his feeling of wanting to be away because I'm sure it is stressful for both of you. It may also make him feel as though you are more concerned about getting back to normal (him back home, etc.) than making real changes so he feels better about the marriage.

IMO, as Deejo said, you will have more impact if you work on the things you told him you could work on. If you are overwhelmed and stressed, don't take it out on him. When he spends time with the kids, make a positive comment about it. When he is around, smile and keep your head held high. I know what I'm suggesting is very difficult but he will more likely miss the woman he sees who reminds him of the woman he met years ago. It also wouldn't hurt to do something for yourself...sign up for a class or something 1 night a week and talk to him about it...I'm planning to start yoga class on Wed nights (or whatever) but before I sign up wanted to be sure you could have the kids on that night...showing him you are also doing things on your own will likely get him thinking and it will be good for you no matter how things end up.

I'm not sure about the having sex question in your other post, but I personally would not. I think he needs to miss all of you, not just the parts that are stressing him out right now.


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## tonyandre (Jun 17, 2009)

Swedish you give very good advice. I've been trying to sign up for classes, but it seems like work or my therapy sessions or reading self help books have been taking up a lot my time.

"I think this is where it really hits the spot for me:
I agree that begging, pleading or otherwise freaking out will probably only reinforce his feeling of wanting to be away because I'm sure it is stressful for both of you. It may also make him feel as though you are more concerned about getting back to normal (him back home, etc.) than making real changes so he feels better about the marriage.

IMO, as Deejo said, you will have more impact if you work on the things you told him you could work on."

Sorry, don't know how to quote on this forum yet


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Im at about the same point as you Sillygirl, 1 month in limbo.

I feel the same way all the time. I want answers. I want to appologize more. I want to find a way to fix things. I'm desperate! Then I noticed the more I talk to my wife about things, the more she pulls away. She just wants to have freindly conversations about this or that and the whole time I just want to explode in anguish. I gave her a couple of days of not communicating with her to ease the tension. I'm hoping its a better approach. As much as it hurts to pull away, you gotta do it. Just let your feelings vent here. everyone seems to want to help.

You can do it, just hang in there!


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