# should only one person's feelings be heard?



## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

For quite a long time my wife and I have been wrestling with how to talk to each other. It's not going well and we have very little trust, our marriage is on very rocky ground. I am trying hard to give my wife what she is asking for, but there's one place I have a very hard time with. I'm not sure if her request is reasonable. I'm not sure if my desire is reasonable. I'd like to know how it works in a good marriage.

What happens is, we get into an argument, my wife's feelings get hurt, and she wants me to make her feel heard about whatever I did. Then, after I do, she wants the conversation to end. I understand making her feel heard and I think that (some times anyway!) I do a good job at that. But I have a hard time with the conversation ending. 

I often have feelings of my own. During the argument she may have hurt me, or she may have said something that really hurts during the period when I'm listening and making her feel heard. So, I also want to feel heard. But when I ask for that, she says that it makes her feel like I never heard her in the first place.

So, either I listen and make her feel heard and say nothing about my own pain, which usually means I feel pretty bad afterwards, or I do say something about my own feelings and then she feels unheard. 

I don't think it's healthy for just one person to be heard, and I assume that if you get to the point where you are arguing with your spouse then both people are already feeling hurt. I think both people need to be heard--it seems wrong to me to have just one person be heard (and yes, if I bring up something to my wife and she listens to me, I will listen to her as well.)

I have my point of view but I know i could be totally wrong. Should I be working harder to just listen, and not try to express my feelings? How can I express my feelings and not have my wife feel unheard? Anybody out there good at navigating this? 

Thanks.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Communication is a TWO WAY street. Of course your feelings should be heard too!

If she is unwilling to let you say your piece after she says hers, I suggest you schedule some sessions with a marriage counselor who will promptly inform her how unfair and ridiculous her "rules" are for communicating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"Wife, would you be okay with me refusing to listen to how you feel?"

If she gives you grief, shut off the listening. 

"Wife, when you are prepared to give my feelings the same amount of credence as you expect for yours, I will begin to listen again. Until then I have no interest."


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Both parties needs to heard and understood in order for there to be any sort of resolution. If only her side get heard, after a while what happens to you? You are going be stewing in your resentment and start hating your wife and life.

Maybe during arguments are not the time to discuss my feelings and your feelings. Instead, set up a time to talk about your feelings both yours and hers. 

Ground rules for this meeting:
- no loud voices/yelling
-you get 5 mins to voice your thoughts, then she responds to what you have voiced, not to what she feels, she will get her turn.
-then, its her turn
-Set a time limit 15 mins discussion or what you feel you need.
-if issue is not resolved or your are not getting anywhere stop the discussion and wait for another time.

When, this meeting is concluded both of you do not get to keep bringing up any negative things said during this time. Let this be your safe place to discuss anything. Save anything unsaid for the next time.

Good luck. Hope this works for you. We use this for handling issues with us and we use it when dealing with the kids.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Communication is a TWO WAY street. Of course your feelings should be heard too!
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's one school of thought.

Another (that I don't really agree with) says that men should be the "rock" in the relationship, bury or re-channel their feelings away from their wife, and that expression of those feelings only serves to turn a wife off.


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## LeTombeCelui (Aug 18, 2015)

I am by far qualified to give any *real* advice being not the most stable myself but could it just be how you express yourself back? Like is it:

W: "What do you want for dinner?"
H: "Oh I don't care whatever you make." 
W: Makes up some meatloaf for dinner
H: "Uggh meatloaf . . . why would you make that??"
W: "Because you said you didn't care and I had the stuff for meatloaf"
-ready for the fight-

Then there is a big argument about how you hurt her feelings followed by an apology but then saying she hurt your feelings because she didn't take your opinion to what you wanted for dinner? Sounds a bit silly with my generalized example but I've had fights like this with friends as well not just the SO, and they turn around and have me feeling more upset/not wanting to hear it from them because they just trivialized all my feelings and seemingly totally ignored my efforts of involvement while blaming me for not involving them. (Not saying that this is what you do in any means! just a common issue I've personally seen) Now if it's not a situation like that I'd say that you are not unreasonable with wanting to be mutually heard and think she should be as willing to listen as you are.


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## mbcguy (Jul 15, 2015)

What your wife is doing is typical but different at the same time. Your wife is looking for validation, she wants to know that you heard what she said, so the typical answer would be to respond with exactly what you heard her say, if she says that’s not what I said she needs to repeat it again until you get it right. Then it’s your turn. The part that’s different is the fact that she wants to cutoff the conversation after she’s allowed to speak her piece. It sounds to me like she has past damage where she wasn’t allowed to voice her opinion and now this is how she responds. It may require professional help to figure out how and where the damage got started but chances are it didn’t start with you.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Maybe your wife feels that bringing up your grievance during her complaint diminishes it. It's like when people say that an apology that includes the word 'but' isn't really an apology. As in "I'm sorry that I forgot to do X but I was stressed out at the time." That's more of an excuse than an apology. It comes across as defensive. 

So have you tried making your point a day later as a separate grievance? If she's amenable to that then your feelings can be heard. If not, then she has a problem. 

In general do you only raise your problems when she raises hers? That's not a good dynamic. It does point to poor communication on your part.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Your question shouldn't be if you should also be heard but rather how to improve the communication so that both are heard *and able to resolve the conflicts*.

What usually happened when you used to talk about how you felt after she told you how she felt? Sometimes person A spoke her mind/feelings and thought person B understood it all, then person B spoke his mind/feelings in a way that person A thought B didn't understood what she said after all, which can become frustrating to her.
But this is coz they are not communicating in an effective way that solves conflicts.

First, just listening is not truly listening. People need to pay real attention and be real receptive of what is being expressed. But this might not happen when both sides are hurt.
Second, simply expressing each side's feelings is not enough. You need to have compassion for each other too, and then focus on reaching a compromise where both feels heard and understood and cared for.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Thanks, BrooklynAnn, I like this idea. Takes some of the emotion of the moment out of it.

Vermiscious Knid: I think you are right, she does feel like my grievance diminishes her complaint. I don't raise issues very often and we have had a lot of trouble making each other feel heard, so maybe I need to work on my ability to bring up things that are bothering me in a useful way. You also suggest bringing up my grievance on another day. I think that's good advice. Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You two need help to learn how to discuss feelings and have 'safe' arguments.

The things that you want to say to her after you listen to her... are they basically you defending yourself from what she has said?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Mr. Man said:


> Thanks, BrooklynAnn, I like this idea. Takes some of the emotion of the moment out of it.
> 
> Vermiscious Knid: I think you are right, she does feel like my grievance diminishes her complaint. I don't raise issues very often and we have had a lot of trouble making each other feel heard, so maybe I need to work on my ability to bring up things that are bothering me in a useful way. You also suggest bringing up my grievance on another day. I think that's good advice. Thanks.


Actually, the best time to bring up your grievance is immediately, if possible. No one likes to hear about what they did wrong days or weeks later. It means the other person has been letting it fester. Many guys don't do this because they're afraid of the response. I think you have to talk about things that bug you, responses be damned. If the response to a legitimate gripe is that bad, then you're dealing with an unreasonable person. 

But the worst time to bring it up is the middle of a discussion about something else. So if you don't bring it up immediately, try to get to it soon if it really bothers you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Expressing your feelings is healthy, bottling it up will cause anger and resentment.

I suggest you detach if she does not take you into consideration as well. It is called a partnership, and each partner needs to have their views expressed.

Next time she tries to shut you down, calmly explain to her that you are hurt to, that you also feel your own emotions. If she does not reciprocate the same courtesy, detach and leave the ball in her court. In the mean time, live your life and do things that make you a more positive person. If she does not change that part about herself, you cannot be contented in a relationship with her.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Well, a lot of differing ideas, here. I guess I will have to find what works for us (duh). It is not working for me if I try to say something during the discussion of her feelings, because then she feels unheard, so I like the idea of saying something later. It's something different for me to try. I don't think I have done a great job of saying something when I feel it--I'd rather just let it go, although things come back up sometimes--so saying something first is a challenge. 

I tried it today. Last night when I came home I got no greeting from my wife, no smile, no hug, and that's a big trigger for me. I didn't say anything then because she had just returned from a business trip and was very tired, the kids were in the room, she was in a bad mood, and it just seemed like saying something would make it worse. She flew out on another trip early in the am, so I texted that I was hurt over no greeting, and she wrote back saying she was sorry but I should have said something yesterday and I shouldn't have told me by text, and it occurred to me, this is exactly what she is asking me not to do! It felt good when she apologized, but that feeling of understanding was wiped away when she immediately followed it up telling me what I'd done wrong. 

I'm not saying I felt great after that, but I did feel like I understood her perspective. Now we'll have to see how we can make it work for both of us.


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Our problems with this continue. Last night, big fight, she wanted to be heard and have me not respond with what I want/need, so I brought it up this morning, very gently, and she said she still wasn't feeling heard so couldn't hear me yet. She thinks I always turn our arguments into a discussion that's all about me, and I feel like I'm just looking for parity. 

Sigh.

On the other hand, I did finally get her to agree to going back to marriage counseling. I've been starting to wonder if she has PTSD from her pretty awful childhood.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Generally speaking it is a husband's job "to listen" to his wife and ALSO make sure she feels like he is listening. Now if you want to get your point across, you have to listen with carefully crafted questions so that she will begin to see the other side of the story.

Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I am an advocate of active listening. In an unbalanced listening and respect scenario, I will listen while actively packing to leave.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

mbcguy said:


> What your wife is doing is typical but different at the same time. Your wife is looking for validation, she wants to know that you heard what she said, so the typical answer would be to respond with exactly what you heard her say, if she says that’s not what I said she needs to repeat it again until you get it right. Then it’s your turn. The part that’s different is the fact that she wants to cutoff the conversation after she’s allowed to speak her piece. It sounds to me like she has past damage where she wasn’t allowed to voice her opinion and now this is how she responds. It may require professional help to figure out how and where the damage got started but chances are it didn’t start with you.


Sounds more like she wants to control the whole relationship and ground rules too.

Certainly does not sounds like a relationship between equals, let alone between equal contributors.

you'll need a professional third-party to have rank as arbitrator... you certainly haven't achieved the recognised authority to demonstrate the "rules" as unreasonable.

Also be prepared for her to absolutely ignore any terms or agreements she makes that she doesn't feel like don't afterwards. You also haven't established the authority to hold her to anything she doesn't feel like doing (and thus you aren't important enough to register as a complainant.)

This also stands in cases where the gender roles are reverse - or in fact in any unilateral power relationship.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need to bring up this discussion when you aren't in the middle of a fight, or just finished with a fight. I assume there are good moments between you. Some people may not agree with this method, however, when I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise and it's always about them, I wait until it's all blown over, then I will calmly bring it up for discussion:

"you know when we had that argument over xyz? At the time you said .... and I'd just like you to know that it made me feel ... In future, I would prefer/appreciate ... "

Of course, if you do this with even a hint of aggression, they will feel blindsided. It also opens up the possibility of another argument. My thoughts are, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. You have to be heard, one way or another, and she's just going to have to suck it up. Don't leave it for months though. I mean a week later or something, while it's still fresh enough to recall.


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## Daft Jerry (Feb 19, 2012)

Mr. Man, is your wife's demand that you make her feel heard and her refusal to return the favor part of a larger pattern? Or do you have a pretty balanced relationship otherwise where she meets your needs in most areas except this one? If it's part of a pattern, I agree with spotthedeaddog that she's trying to impose one-sided control of your marriage. How long have you been married?


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

My husband and I have similar kinds of arguments. 

If I ever bring something up that bothers me that he does, he'll listen to me, but then without fail with turn it right back around on me and say something about me that bothers him. Sometimes it's a repeat offender. Sometimes it's completely unrelated to my original point. I often try to get back to my original point and tell him that "we haven't dealt with my issue yet, you can't change the subject yet. We can deal with your point later." At first he didn't really listen, but our arguments have been getting better. 

Like another poster said (in different words), it's going to get worse before it gets better. 

I like the idea of bringing it up later, but not too much later. Active listening would be key, and helps to get across to her that you do listen to her. Let her have her space to vent, but don't let her ignore yours either. there has to be a balance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Man (Aug 23, 2014)

Thanks everyone:

In response to various people: This is a general pattern in (right now) mostly negative relationship. We've been married 13 years with a downward trend in the last five to the very negative place we are now. I have tried bringing up my feelings at various points after a disagreement, hours or days, with little success feeling heard. My impression is that if I say something that shows I had a reaction to what she said, even if I say it much later, she reverts to feeling unheard.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am sure it is hard when both of you feel your needs are not being met. 

Do you think maybe you are too much alike to be compatible?

I am high emo and my husband is low emo. I need to be heard, and he does not mind listening to me. He seems to appreciate it, actually, as it helps him understand me better.

Good luck figuring this out, OP.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marriage counseling wherein you two can come up with some fight rules. Whatever you need such as no yelling, no name calling, no huffing off and each person has the right to discuss their hurt feelings. No invalidating the other's feelings and that is what your wife is doing when she clings to the 'unheard' part of her gameplan.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

LeTombeCelui said:


> I am by far qualified to give any *real* advice being not the most stable myself but could it just be how you express yourself back? Like is it:
> 
> W: "What do you want for dinner?"
> H: "Oh I don't care whatever you make."
> ...


Here's a perhaps different approach to this I learned from having my spawn say this and not liking my dinner. It avoids that's argument at the end before it even starts....

"What do you want for dinner?"
"Don't care. Whatever you make"
"Well. Let's make this easy. I have meatloaf. Lasagna. Or chicken. You guys pick one and I'll make it. "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm not sure I'm qualified to give a decent answer to the OP

I'm now the "rock" where I'd gladly listen to complaints about me and not take it personally. I'll listen and offer some suggestions about my behaviour. And perhaps a good solution that's workable to "her", or whoever. I don't talk about my feeling during these talks. It just makes things more convoluted. 

However. That doesn't mean I don't let my own feelings known. I just tend to do it at the point of time it happens. And usually lightly and a soft voice...

"...wow!" Pretends to stick knife in chest and wobble around the kitchen. "That was hurtful. Why do you think that dear?"

I wasn't always this way. But what I was doing before didn't work so I had to make a new technique. 

Not sure if it will work for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Man said:


> Thanks everyone:
> 
> In response to various people: This is a general pattern in (right now) mostly negative relationship. We've been married 13 years with a downward trend in the last five to the very negative place we are now. I have tried bringing up my feelings at various points after a disagreement, hours or days, with little success feeling heard. My impression is that if I say something that shows I had a reaction to what she said, even if I say it much later, she reverts to feeling unheard.


Sometimes it's hard to give good input when we get a general description of what is going on. Could you give us an example of a typical exchange when this happens.

What did you do that got her upset?

What did she say when she expressed her feelings about it?

What is it that you want to say to her that she won't listen to?


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Mr. Man said:


> Thanks everyone:
> 
> In response to various people: This is a general pattern in (right now) mostly negative relationship. We've been married 13 years with a downward trend in the last five to the very negative place we are now. I have tried bringing up my feelings at various points after a disagreement, hours or days, with little success feeling heard. My impression is that if I say something that shows I had a reaction to what she said, even if I say it much later, she reverts to feeling unheard.


Give an example of what you might say to her that is what you call a reaction to what she said.

Not saying you do this but... My mom says the same things you do when she and I get in an argument. She gets very upset with me because she says I never want to hear how she feels. But what she says she "feels" is just a list of excuses as to why she wasn't wrong to do the thing she knows she shouldn't have done. (It's usually about why she should get to stick her oar in with regard to parenting decisions with my kids).

Again, not saying you're doing this. But some specific, concrete examples of what she said and what you said could help give us insight into the dynamics and maybe help us figure out why she feels the way she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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