# Is there a place for an Ex (or 5) in marriage?



## BH83 (Sep 28, 2017)

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Not acceptable.

Some folks allow exes as friends or acquaintances but your husband is behaving like an ass and you are not comfortable with it anyway.

You have every right to dignity and respect.

Do not put up with his behavior.

If it were me, I would ask my spouse how their ex had pissed them off for them to wish serious harm or death on the poor ex.

I would be a dangerous person to sit next to if you were an ex of my wife but that is just me.

Are you sure you want to reconcile with this joker?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think you may want to ask yourself why you want to continue a relationship that leaves you feeling humiliated, tearful, like a fool, and like all his friends are probably laughing at you behind your back. Your husband is clearly manipulating you, has crappy boundaries, and obviously sees nothing wrong with doing things he knows (because you've told him outright) make you uncomfortable and unhappy. Why don't you think you deserve better from someone who professes to love you?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you should never have to accept an offer in which it makes you feel uncomfortable and he should respect that, and conversely he should never have to put you in that position. I do not know how important this event is but I would suggest that neither one of you go. that instead you make it a date night.


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## BH83 (Sep 28, 2017)

Thank you both for your replies. 

Marriage is hard work! We've learnt this.... and I want to work at it. I don't want to give up just because things aren't perfect. I love him, and I think if we love each other, we can work through anything! 

I could try talking to him again, I just worry that every time I have a conversation with him about these topics, he then tells his sister or his friends and they then go on to tell the ex's and make me look mental. 

When I've voiced that i'm not comfortable with the situation and I find it a little strange that they are starting up a friendship, he says I need to trust him. The truth is - I do trust him - I don't think that there is any ulterior motive behind their contact, it just makes me uncomfortable! Maybe it's me? - and maybe I should just go tomorrow night!? I just feel like when he's singing (he's a singer) and he looks out into the room in my direction - I won't know if he's looking at me, or at his ex. Am I crazy??? If I tell him this is how I feel, it will turn into an argument!

It's his event - he's singing. Do I attend and sit with the ex - or not??


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Don't go. You are uncomfortable and feel humiliated, so why should you go? My H would be nutless if he ever makes a suggestion like that. You H has issues..
.or must be crazy to suggest that.

Mind you these are not exwives, where kids are involved.....these are people he dated while being separated from you.

Girl...be upfront and tell him you are not attending. He has issues with that it's his problem not yours.


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## BH83 (Sep 28, 2017)

No, there are no children involved. I am friends with the mother of his son, there are no issues there. 

This woman is someone he dated when he was at college - he is now in his 40s. He got in touch with her when we were separated - not to date her, just to get in touch and see what she'd been up to for the past 25 years. Months after we got back together, they met for a coffee, had a catch up (which he hid from me at the time, but told me recently). 

Now, she's coming to the show, alone, and he's told her she can sit with me. See, it all sounds completely innocent.... why am I so unsure about whether I want to be there or not! I should be there to support him. I'm really struggling with this decision. 

Thank you too everyone for taking the time to read and respond to my issue!! Sometimes it helps to talk to a third party!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BH83 said:


> I could try talking to him again, I just worry that every time I have a conversation with him about these topics, he then tells his sister or his friends and they then go on to tell the ex's and make me look mental.
> 
> When I've voiced that i'm not comfortable with the situation and I find it a little strange that they are starting up a friendship, he says I need to trust him. The truth is - I do trust him -


How can you trust him when he's shown you that he can't be trusted? And when he runs to his sister and friends with everything you two discuss???

The only time it's appropriate to have contact with an ex, is if there are children involved. Otherwise, no.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

"The only time it's appropriate to have contact with an ex, is if there are children involved. Otherwise, no."

I don't think so. What I see here is people so insecure of themselves that the concept of trust toward their partners when interacting with past romantic liaisons is an immediate jelous reaction. 

I'm a male. I still do have contact with women that were romantically involved with me since I was young (I just see them as dear friends). I have an ex-wife (no children). I do go out of state to visit her at her home by myself occasionally, and stay over (she lives alone). Sometimes she comes to my home and stay over. My wife likes her and never had an issue with my relationship with my ex, because she trusts me, and knows that I would never betray her.

My daughter has my ex's name (my wife's choice) not my choice. I actually wanted another name for my daughter.

I had taken care of my ex a couple of times when she have needed someone to take care of her due to illness. I have help her take a bath and held her while she gets dressed. No one time has the thought of me getting sexual or otherwise with her has crossed my mind. To me she is family. I see her almost like a sister. She is my ex for a reason. My wife knows all of this and she does not gets all bend out shape because of it. She knows that there is a justifiable reason, and she would do it if I was not available at the time to do it.
Same with me. My wife has males friends and talk on the phone and socialize with them whether I'm present or not. I do not even think about it, I trust her and know that she would never do or put herself in a situation where other men would think otherwise. We just trust each other.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The correct place for exes is in the past.

(Or, according to George Straight, Texas.)


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

X's are Xed out of our lives for good reason. Co-parenting is different. Once the kids grow up, the X needs to be Xed out. 

It has nothing to do with trust, it's about boundaries and respect.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

"It has nothing to do with trust, it's about boundaries and respect."

This is a very dry cut, black and white point of view. People's situations varies from person to person and their relationships dynamics. Take my above previous post, where do you see lack of boundaries and of derespect to my wife?

My boundaries are stablished not only within the physical boundaries with the exes or other women, but internally, within myself, and this Rd is what it matters. Very early on you let your partner know this, in a manner that leaves no doubt as to what you are capable emotionally with the person in question.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> "It has nothing to do with trust, it's about boundaries and respect."
> 
> This is a very dry cut, black and white point of view. People's situations varies from person to person and their relationships dynamics. Take my above previous post, where do you see lack of boundaries and of derespect to my wife?
> 
> My boundaries are stablished not only within the physical boundaries with the exes or other women, but internally, within myself, and this Rd is what it matters. Very early on you let your partner know this, in a manner that leaves no doubt as to what you are capable emotionally with the person in question.


Does your wife treat her X like you treat your X? Does she care for him when he is sick and occasionally stops by to visit and spends the night?

Does your X have a significant other that accepts this as well? He welcomes you in to your X's house and doesn't have a problem with you spending the night?

Do you all get along and things are perfectly respectful and peachy so to speak; or are you the only one thst has this type of relationship with your X and no other significant other is or has been in her life?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Bibi1031. No. My wife has not ex. I'm her one & only. Nonetheless, as I said before, you should know what you have as a partner as far as trust and boundaries and what you are able to tolerate. If my wife were to be in a situation as mine where I had to take care of my ex, it would depends on their history, ex's resolved feelings of the relationship, etc. It is not all black and white, you analyze the situation in front of you and make a determination based on facts, no insecurities. My wife many years ago when we were younger, had to spend a whole week at her sister's taking care of her daughter because there was a need for someone to take her niece back and forth to school/home, since my SIL was out of the country, and my wife's BIL was not being able due to his job at the time. My wife spend the whole week sleeping there , and the BIL was there also. I never gave it a second thought. I trust both of them, and know their relationship.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> @Bibi1031. No. My wife has not ex. I'm her one & only. Nonetheless, as I said before, you should know what you have as a partner as far as trust and boundaries and what you are able to tolerate. If my wife were to be in a situation as mine where I had to take care of my ex, it would depends on their history, ex's resolved feelings of the relationship, etc. It is not all black and white, you analyze the situation in front of you and make a determination based on facts, no insecurities. My wife many years ago when we were younger, had to spend a whole week at her sister's taking care of her daughter because there was a need for someone to take her niece back and forth to school/home, since my SIL was out of the country, and my wife's BIL was not being able due to his job at the time. My wife spend the whole week sleeping there , and the BIL was there also. I never gave it a second thought. I trust both of them, and know their relationship.


Your example is comparing apples to oranges, which bears no fruit (is meaningless) in this discussion. 

Boundaries in marriage exist to protect the marriage. You having some form of contact with an X and putting one of your kid's name your X's name for whatever reason is a breach of marrisge boundaries as well as disrespectful. That is as black and white and crystsl clear as spring water. 

You got yourself two very naive women in your life. Send them over our way here on TAM, we have a few eye opening suggestions for them to create rock solid boundaries in msrriage and in relationships! :wink2:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

frusdil said:


> How can you trust him when he's shown you that he can't be trusted? And when he runs to his sister and friends with everything you two discuss???
> 
> The only time it's appropriate to have contact with an ex, is if there are children involved. Otherwise, no.


THIS. If you H cannot respect your feelings on this, you dont need to be with him. Period.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

If I felt the need to build a concentration camp around my marriage, then I wouldn't want such marriage.

Disrespect for naming my child after my ex? Read my post: it was my wife's decision, no mine, I wanted another name.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> If I felt the need to build a concentration camp around my marriage, then I wouldn't want such marriage.
> 
> Disrespect for naming my child after my ex? Read my post: it was my wife's decision, no mine, I wanted another name.


Um, nah.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think if the OP deletes their first post in a thread, the whole thread should disappear. What a waste of bandwidth.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> "The only time it's appropriate to have contact with an ex, is if there are children involved. Otherwise, no."
> 
> I don't think so. What I see here is people so insecure of themselves that the concept of trust toward their partners when interacting with past romantic liaisons is an immediate jelous reaction.
> 
> ...


Childish, utopian drivel. Utter bilge. Grow up.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@TAM2013 childish? In what world do you live? 

Are you one of those so insecure of yourself that you are freaking-out on my post that shows how truly mature, loving couples that got each other back and trust each other implicitly, because we know that under not circumstances we would ever break that trust. Moreover; my wife adores my ex to the point that if I would have refused to help her, and leave her to fend for herself knowing that my ex have not one in this world, except us, my wife would be extremely pissed at me, because, that would show callousness from my part. My ex is like a sister to me. To think of her sexually anymore does not compute, ugh.

The only childish behavior here it's yours. Have you been so hurt by a significant other that your brain cannot longer conceive respectful, loving friendship, without going into the dark side, and question ulterior motives, about anything anymore ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> @TAM2013 childish? In what world do you live?
> 
> Are you one of those so insecure of yourself that you are freaking-out on my post that shows how truly mature, loving couples that got each other back and trust each other implicitly, because we know that under not circumstances we would ever break that trust. Moreover; my wife adores my ex to the point that if I would have refused to help her, and leave her to fend for herself knowing that my ex have not one in this world, except us, my wife would be extremely pissed at me, because, that would show callousness from my part. My ex is like a sister to me. To think of her sexually anymore does not compute, ugh.
> 
> The only childish behavior here it's yours. Have you been so hurt by a significant other that your brain cannot longer conceive respectful, loving friendship, without going into the dark side, and question ulterior motives, about anything anymore ?


How old are you?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Gus: I'm now 64, but most of the events I mentioned happened during my late 30s and mid 40s when I still was at the peak of my sexuality. So no, Even at that age period my ex was already a non sexual entity to me, actually, she was even before I met my wife.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> @Gus: I'm now 64, but most of the events I mentioned happened during my late 30s and mid 40s when I still was at the peak of my sexuality. So no, Even at that age period my ex was already a non sexual entity to me, actually, she was even before I met my wife.


Wouldn't it be better for you to create your own thread regarding this matter instead of thread jacking someone else's? 

Just sayin


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## Deperatedwoman (Jul 31, 2017)

brooklynAnn said:


> Don't go. You are uncomfortable and feel humiliated, so why should you go? My H would be nutless if he ever makes a suggestion like that. You H has issues..
> .or must be crazy to suggest that.
> 
> Mind you these are not exwives, where kids are involved.....these are people he dated while being separated from you.
> ...


I totally agree with you!!!


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> @TAM2013 childish? In what world do you live?


2017.

Rob_1, these aren't insecurities. They are pragmatic intolerances.

If you've got to 64 and haven't had to learn this lesson, then good on you. And I mean that. But you are well in the minority and it doesn't make everyone else insecure. That's patronizing.


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