# Aliens took husband, need advice, it's long



## Captcook (Sep 10, 2014)

Hi, I'm new here but I wanted some advice.
I and my husband have been together for 11 years. We met online and we had a long distance relationship for two years since I was still in school. I moved to the UK to be with him after that. It is a second marriage for both of us.
He has always been so sweet, supportive and generous. I felt like we had the very best marriage in the world. We were both very happy. Two years ago, he retired early and we moved to Canada.

That was a huge mistake. I had to leave all the friends I had made there, and a job that had given me financial independence and a little social status. That was very important to me after being a stay at home mom for all my adult life, not being able to follow my interests into a career. I loved living in the UK.
We retired to Canada because he wanted to live here, and I am a citizen, although neither of us had ever spent time there. But we took a chance and moved.

Turns out though, that even though we have an (to me) enormous amount of money in savings, and a good pension every month, he decided to go back to work. He is now working two weeks out of four and is absent from me in that time. He claims he hates working, but does so anyway. This was originally meant o be for a year or maybe two. Now that the two years is up, he's now talking as if it will keep going for as long as the companies will have him. It could be a long time since he is very good at his job. I spend those two weeks alone in my house, pet sitting. It's not unusual for me to not talk or see anyone during that time. He insists on keeping the pets.

The place we moved to is also been a problem. It is very isolated and the people are not the kind I could make friends with. It is a beautiful place, but there is no work, and nothing to do, it takes 2.5 hours to get to the grocery store! I basically live out in the woods. I thought we would buy a boat and explore this grand and beautiful place. I thought we would spend lots of time together and have lots of fun. But he changed the rules of the game even before we had landed at our new house. He doesn't want to live anywhere else, although he would move to a town if I insisted. But frankly, I wouldn't know where to go since I know nothing about Canada, or it's towns. It would have to be near the sea for him, and the costs of going closer to civilisation would mean another $200,000 for the same sort of house we have now. And with him being gone so much, there is no chance of looking around. Travelling is the last thing he wants to do when at home.

It's been two years now, and I am deep into depression that I am unable to climb out of without some major changes. I need to be able to work ( my son is out of the house) and I need to have friends. I need a life. It has seriously eroded the relationship, as my husband is angry at me for not being happy with the way things are. He hates that we spent all that money to move and that I am complaining and depressed all the time. He says I'm am ungrateful, immature, and selfish. And besides, he's perfectly happy not seeing another soul whilst at home, because he hates working and hates people in general, and he hates anything to do with "the human world". 
All of this, expect not liking his job( which he does not do anymore) is a complete new thing. He's never acted like this before.
It makes me feel like our time together was a lie.We used to travel, and do lots of things together. Eat out, go to shows, see historical events and places. There was lots of sex, and affection, most of which has disappeared. He's very different now.

He has been recruited by a big company in the UK. He tells me he doesn't want to work any more than he is now. They have a very extensive interview process and he has jumped through all their hoops. They have asked him several times if he is truly interested in the position. They don't want to go to the expense and bother if he's just going to turn it down anyway. It's the sort of company that if you get as far as he has in the process, the jobs already his. They just have to agree on compensation. They are talking about a three year contract.

If he joined this company it would mean working full time, in the UK. It would mean they move us back. It would mean that I get to reset my life and work or go to school, be back near my friends, and his family (all of which are there). It means we can have a normal life again. We are in our fifties, so just barely retirement age. 
I see this as a way to reboot our lives after the mistake we made by moving to a place we have no connection to whatsoever. A place that has been terrible for me and our marriage. 

I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I don't want him to be unhappy, ( that's how I got into this horrible place to begin with). But I also don't understand the disconnect between his behaviour and his words. 

Since I have been seriously thinking about ending the marriage because of all of this, it is a very serious problem. I wonder, if after the two years, the confusion, the talking and talking and talking.... If I should just give up being a good wife and push him to take the job. I'm reluctant to push him into anything, but he just is acting so confusing. And in the meantime I am sinking lower and lower.
I want us to be good together again, like we used to be. This won't happen if we stay in the woods.

So: should I just be quiet, and let him choose, be the selfless good wife, 
Or speak up and do whatever I can to get him to say yes, and let the chips fall where they will after we go home?
I love him very much, but they way things are now is killing me.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Captcook said:


> It has seriously eroded the relationship, as my husband is angry at me for not being happy with the way things are. He hates that we spent all that money to move and that I am complaining and depressed all the time. He says I'm am ungrateful, immature, and selfish. And besides, he's perfectly happy not seeing another soul whilst at home, because he hates working and hates people in general, and he hates anything to do with "the human world".


The situation you describe is very sad. At the root of it he seem to think that you _ought_ to be happy and grateful but you are unhappy and resentful.

It doesn't sound to me like your feelings are unreasonable but I would suggest that you redirect yourself to fulfilling your desires in others ways. For example, why not get an apartment in a nearby city and live there when he is away?



> I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I don't want him to be unhappy, ( that's how I got into this horrible place to begin with). But I also don't understand the disconnect between his behaviour and his words.


You need to get over the idea that its wrong to "force him to do anything". That sort of thinking will lead you to divorce.

Decide what you want out of life and if he wont' provide it, find another way to achieve it. Assuming you have access to shared family assets, finances are not holding you back.

When (not if) he objects, point out that he is not fulfilling your needs.

(To be clear, I'm not suggesting having an affair, but all else is fair game.)


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you know what your options would be if you were to divorce your husband?
It helps to know your options and obligations before making a decision.
If your husband did not take this job, would leave him and move back to the UK?
If you are thinking of divorcing your husband if he doesn't take the job, it seems only fair to let him know that.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Wow, it sounds a lot like my parents’ story.

My mother (from Canada) met my father (from the UK) while she was on vacation in the Caribbean where he was working. They got together and lived there for a while, before deciding to move to Canada to be near her parents and eventually have me.

Fast-forward to 1998, my dad’s job offers to move the family to the UK. We all go and… what a mistake. He has his job to keep him occupied, but my mom had nothing to do all day but sit at home, since she didn’t really get along with the neighbours. I, meanwhile, was fresh out of high school and so was now completely without friends or contacts or anything in a foreign country where everyone treated me suspiciously. We were both miserable. 

At this point, their story became mine too, because I met a girl and ended up staying in the UK as opposed to coming back, because of her. After 10 years with her I *had to* come home, and brought her with me. Without going into details, I was delighted to be home and basically tried to pick up where I left off. I suddenly had a social life again. Problems in our relationship became even more obvious, she had no social life there and none here, and we ended it, and she went back. My parents had come back too, separately from us.

Moving overseas like that is a hugely stressful, hugely upsetting thing. I don’t recommend it. I was surprised when my mom told me just how miserable she had been, that she would sit at home and cry – she hadn’t told me before, because she knew I was totally miserable too. Going over there was the biggest mistake I ever made, coming back was something I waited too long to do. 

I think you need to tell him how unhappy you are, that things have changed. My ex was not the same person that I’d fallen in love with, and no in the good way. I loved her very much too, but like you, it was killing me and I could not carry on with things the way they were. You won’t get a medal for a life of misery and martyrdom, what good would it do you anyway? You owe it to yourself and to him to be honest about how you feel, and then let the chips fall.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think the first step would be to prioritize.

What issue is #1....2.....3......etc

TO ME, I would put lack of intimacy as #1. You should work on this ASAP. This is something that will rip you guys apart even if you live in UK.

There is NO going around this issue.

Assuming this gets fixed.

2 would probably be the fact that you 2 are different people. TO ME, it sounds like you live in a dreamland. I'm just like your husband though, farther in nature I am.....less people.......better I feel. Man, I would LOVE to be where you are, sounds awesome. 2.5 hours away from grocery store is a bit much though.......that sounds like poor planning on BOTH of your parts.

YOU on the other hand, are not that kind. Did you ever think of this before you moved? Why would you accept to move to such place if you knew you wouldn't like it? There is nothing wrong with what you like, but didn't you know that it wouldn't work? Have you changed?

When you accepted this move......well, it's hard because you gave your husband impression that you DID, but now you don't? 

Moves like this require lot of planning and money. It's hard for your husband to now see that a place you guys choose to spend rest of your life is NOT a place for you.

This can cause resentment.....and lack of sex (might have just got to the core of your issues right there).

This can simply be the case of you changing and no longer being compatible with him. Menopause?

Regardless, sit down with him and have an honest discussion about issues at hand. You 2 need to talk it out and figure out if it's time to move on due to your differences or make things work.

It's a little weird to me (as it is probably to your husband as well).....you have been there for 2 years and know very little about the place you live? Why don't you get out there and explore it. Nature is the best/most amazing thing we have on this planet (IMO).....and it's free. 

Rather than be depressed about "wanting things you can't have" why don't you embrace it and be positive/optimistic about it. After all this was YOUR decision too!!!

Address #1 first though.


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## Captcook (Sep 10, 2014)

I agreed to move because we had plans to go out and play.
There was a boat and long sailings to the Queen Charlottes and Alaska as well as California. 
There was an RV involved, and roaming around the US exploring. 

We used to do all sorts of things when in the UK. Not only did we work, raise kids and get all the chores done. But we explored the UK, Egypt, Paris, and other places. We saw shows, shopped in London, went to festivals. 

But now that we moved and have a beautiful new place to explore, he goes back to work. And I am left alone for 50% of the time. For two weeks out of four, I get a five minute phone call from my husband and that's it. 

There are ferries involved in getting to a town and the grocery store. From leaving the house, to arriving into town it's 2.5 hours. 
I lived in Oregon for a long while before going to the UK and honestly I thought it would be like that, but with a longer commute. I didn't clock that going to the store would be an all day affair. That I couldn't get to church in time for the service, that I would. It see other talk to another soul for two weeks at a time. 
We don't even need the money.

I've been trying to get him to look at alternatives, but have been rebuffed until very recently. This job back in the UK came up. He says he doesn't want it, but he's going through the motions. I see this job as a chance for us to reboot our lives and think very carefully about what happens when he is done. ( it's a three year contract). It means he gets to earn lots of money, and that seems to be his new focus. It means I can work too. I used to be a high school teacher, now I'm nothing. 

I think I'm gonna push it. If he is offered the job and the money is good I'm going to push him to take it. He doesn't have any other alternative other than doing the same as we have been. And that's not cutting it.
I'm quite open to all sorts of ideas, but he has rejected them all. This might be the only chance I have to regroup and start again. This time I insist he stay home!

Moving overseas is hard, I've done it twice. The first time was wonderful and turned put great for me. The second time was a complete fiasco.

Menopause is not an issue, it's been a few years and I sailed through like a champ. This is about being alone and waiting for him to home home, and then having a normal life.
Thanks everyone!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I don't think you answered the question.

You are complaining about location you live in......yet you decided and agreed to purchase such place correct? Why all of the sudden you changed your mind?

This WILL cause resentment from his end. 

I don't believe you when you say "we decided to get a place I don't want to be in as long as he takes me places here and there". Sorry, but that doesn't make sense.

It's hard when you make a HUGE life decision like you guys did.....and few years later say "I don't want this". 

Assuming he wasn't working, would you be ok with where you live?

You need to figure out why he is not being intimate. It can be due to your "change of mind"......it could be something else, I don't know, but you have to figure out with him.

First, ask him why he hasn't been intimate with you and express your needs. This needs action ASAP. See what he says/what's bothering him!

CLEARLY you are looking for more companionship and his job is taking that away. Sit him down and explain it to him in a nice way. Tell him you not only need companionship but are also lonely and starting to get depressed. 

He should not only consider these but also take action (perhaps cut down on work time or quit).....and spend more time with you.

But to say "this place sucks and let's go back"......that's a bit extreme IMO. You guys made a decision, a big and costly decision that probably involved "settling down for LIFE", now it's time to stick to it.

It's no different than getting married and few years later saying "I don't want to be married". Nothing wrong with it, but it screws people's lives up for sure.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

DoF said:


> But to say "this place sucks and let's go back"......that's a bit extreme IMO. You guys made a decision, a big and costly decision that probably involved "settling down for LIFE", now it's time to stick to it.


Ugh, might as well ring the death knell, then. 

Doesn't she have as much right to have a self-directed and fulfilling life as he does?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

always_alone said:


> Ugh, might as well ring the death knell, then.
> 
> Doesn't she have as much right to have a self-directed and fulfilling life as he does?


Of course she does. But it's something that she should've thought about/decided PRIOR to making such a huge move and commitment is what I'm trying to say.

Buying a HOUSE is usually a LIFETIME commitment, especially at that age. 

We ALL want things we can't have. That's basic human nature. 

One has to be able to live with the decisions they have made though. That's part of maturity IMO. This was as much HER decision as it was HIS.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

DoF said:


> Of course she does. But it's something that she should've thought about/decided PRIOR to making such a huge move and commitment is what I'm trying to say.
> 
> Buying a HOUSE is usually a LIFETIME commitment, especially at that age.
> 
> ...


People make mistakes. Doesn't mean they should be stuck with them for the rest of their lives. Houses can be sold. It's not even that hard.

Besides, what she signed up for is not at all what she's getting. He pulled the old bait and switch on her. 

If it were me, I would tell my h that I would compromise and live his fantasy for x amount of time. After that, it would be my turn. 

Either that, or he would need to compromise right away and make the initial plan/dream come true.

After all, it's only fair that we take turns at "wanting what we can't have", right?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

always_alone said:


> People make mistakes. Doesn't mean they should be stuck with them for the rest of their lives. Houses can be sold. It's not even that hard.


Not disagreeing with above, although selling a house in remote areas is NOT "easy".



always_alone said:


> Besides, what she signed up for is not at all what she's getting. He pulled the old bait and switch on her.


Not disagreeing with that, as long as you agree that his wife is "switching" as well.

You see, when SHE no longer wants what she agree to, you call this "people change" but when he decides to work/do something different/change you call it "bait and switch".

hehe



always_alone said:


> If it were me, I would tell my h that I would compromise and live his fantasy for x amount of time. After that, it would be my turn.
> 
> Either that, or he would need to compromise right away and make the initial plan/dream come true.
> 
> After all, it's only fair that we take turns at "wanting what we can't have", right?


That's the problem. This WAS her fantasy (minus his work, which I said IS a problem that he should work on etc/he is wrong on that). 

This blow for blow thing will only make their marriage WORSE. I don't recommend.

OP's biggest issue is lack of intimacy, I wouldn't even attempt to deal with ANYTHING until that's resolved.


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## Captcook (Sep 10, 2014)

I've owned six different houses in my adult life. My parents owns eight in their adult lives. I guess I came from a long line of immature people who make mistakes and then remedy them.

It difficult to be it Intimate when your husband is not even in the same country as you for two weeks out of four.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Captcook said:


> I've owned six different houses in my adult life. My parents owns eight in their adult lives. I guess I came from a long line of immature people who make mistakes and then remedy them.
> 
> It difficult to be it Intimate when your husband is not even in the same country as you for two weeks out of four.


You seem to be feeling attacked. I don't think that is what anyone is trying to do. People are trying to help you get to the bottom of what happened, what is going on now, and how to make some corrections so you and your husband can be happily married again.
You said that you are depressed. When a person is depressed, their thinking tends to be very glum. Breaking out of that and thinking of ways that things could improve can help you considerably,, which is the point of this discussion - giving you options and hope. You are saying that you are depressed because of your situation. The good news is that it can be resolved. You have options.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

I'm waiting for the alien part


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I was also disappointed it was metaphorical aliens


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

DoF said:


> Not disagreeing with that, as long as you agree that his wife is "switching" as well.
> 
> You see, when SHE no longer wants what she agree to, you call this "people change" but when he decides to work/do something different/change you call it "bait and switch".


She is not switching at all. She just wants what she signed up for. Very consistent. He, however, is not delivering what he promised. Ergo, *he* is the one with the bait and switch.



DoF said:


> This blow for blow thing will only make their marriage WORSE. I don't recommend.
> 
> OP's biggest issue is lack of intimacy, I wouldn't even attempt to deal with ANYTHING until that's resolved.


Since when is compromise "blow for blow"? Are you really suggesting that she should just suck up whatever he wants and concentrate on how to give him more blow jobs even though he's away for 2 weeks at a time?

Personally, I think my solution where they can trade off fantasies and work together to make them both happy is more likely to lead to success.


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## Captcook (Sep 10, 2014)

The aliens are about the fact that he seems like a different person since "retiring".

He's got this new job. He told be so. I'm going to push him to take it. 
We both need some normalcy. This being gone half the time, literally, is killing our relationship. We need to reboot it.

For the record, I had no idea it would take all day to do a simple errand like go to the grocery store. I didn't know I wouldn't be able to go to church, or to engage with the people in the nearest town. We spent three days on this island and bought a house. We had never been there before, we have no friends or family there. Then he disappears on me and gets angry when I don't like it.

I admit, I do feel hard done by. What was a mistake on both our parts ( evidence is that he leaves to work 50% of the time). A practical mistake that can be remedied by moving to a place where I can get a job, have friends or rebuild my life in general. EspeciLly if he continues to work. Or, he can quit as we had planned, and we go exploring and having fun like the original plan. If he takes this new job, we reset our lives and have the time and the room to remedy the relationship.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yes a lot of weird stuff going on.

You two are married. Moving back an d forth is part of your environment, not your whole life. " Wherever you go, there you are". i would suggest trying to find fun stuff to do WHEREVER you end up. Canada is a beautiful place, plenty of natural beauty. Did you make an effort to really enjoy it there? IF you do go back to UK, are you going to go out of your way to enjoy it there again? Or is something else going to piss you off about it?

yeah, life has challenges. HOW you react to those challenges is what YOU are. Try to have more fun! These other issues, though they seem huge and insurmountable, DO have solutions. Find the solutions, dont dwell on what happened wrong in the past.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anyone that calls their spouse immature and selfish when they express unhappiness instead of attempting to deal with it is a selfish pos themselves. Unhappiness for one partner is a problem for both and should be addressed by both.

My ex hb also took this attitude, that my unhappiness was my problem as he was happy. Well now he's my ex and guess what? It turns out I am happy without him.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Anyone that calls their spouse immature and selfish when they express unhappiness instead of attempting to deal with it is a selfish pos themselves. Unhappiness for one partner is a problem for both and should be addressed by both.
> 
> My ex hb also took this attitude, that my unhappiness was my problem as he was happy. Well now he's my ex and guess what? It turns out I am happy without him.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They will tell you happiness should be in you and you shouldn't rely on someone else to make you happy.

Of course, not realizing that just being with them keeps you unhappy, however you are responsible for leaving someone if they keep you chronically unhappy.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

The way i read this, if you stay, there will be a divorce, and you will probably be moving back to the UK anyway.

So you tell him, if you take the job or not, i am moving back with or without you...you have a life also.. and for you being stuck in the woods is not living...

What would happen if you had a serious health issue.. you would never make it out of the woods alive..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> They will tell you happiness should be in you and you shouldn't rely on someone else to make you happy.
> 
> Of course, not realizing that just being with them keeps you unhappy, however you are responsible for leaving someone if they keep you chronically unhappy.


To some extent I would agree that your happiness is up to you, but there are instances where it's a couple issue. Example:
Spouse: I"m unhappy with our sex life.
Other spouse: well you're responsible for your own happiness.

Spouse: I'm unhappy with the amount of time we spend together:
Other Spouse: Well I"m not responsible for your happiness.

Clearly neither of those examples would fly, and in this case I think this is a couple problem. He has not held up his end of the deal and even if he had the situation isn't working for his wife, so to tell her that she's selfish is the epitomy of selfishnes on his part. He's happy so she can f$ck off. I wonder if we flipped the roles here and she was working abroad half the time and he was stuck in the styx where he couldn't get a job if we'd tell him to suck it up. I bet not.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> He's happy so she can f$ck off. I wonder if we flipped the roles here and she was working abroad half the time and he was stuck in the styx where he couldn't get a job if we'd tell him to suck it up. I bet not.


No, of course not. It would be all about how selfish she is for abandoning him, pulling the whoever bait and switch. Not to mention how dare she deprive him of sex for so long.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Captcook, 

I'm a sahm, and I moved far away from my family and old friends to be with my husband. I understand you.

Most women need social activities/ connections to feel fulfilled and happy. I get edgy and fall into sadness when I'd go a few days without mingling with people other than my husband.

.. Have you try skype and whasapp programs to keep in touch with family and friends?


You know, when a woman couldn't get her social tank filled, she becomes critical and dependent on the husband to be happy? Focus on getting your social tank filled first.. Try Facebook and e-pal/ penpal...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

You say he is away for two weeks... Why not you be away for two weeks too? Stay at a friends house... But you'll have to reach out first...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

This isn't something a forum can fix. Obviously you and your husband have made some life decisions that you regret in a huge way.

Keep having those tough conversations about being unhappy, not fulfilled, and that you don't want him away nor do you want the rest of your days to be in Canada.

Good luck!!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You can certainly suggest he take the new job. We have family members in the same situation but in the end they divorced because he wanted to be in the wilderness and she reasonably near a big city. While it was hard on the adult-aged children it does seem to be working out for all.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

CaptCook, Who cares what happened and why, the essense of marriage to me, is being honest and loving with each other. You don't understand why your husband took this job, why he's going for another. He doesn't understand why you're depressed. How about you both try to connect when he's back, and talk the whole thing through? It's not even about making threats, it's about sharing feelings, hopes and dreams. IMO, that's the start.


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## nam3 (Oct 18, 2014)

Maybe try finding a friend in the area, it might make you feel a bit better.


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