# The love of my life is leaving me



## Talon235 (Mar 28, 2016)

We've been friends for 7 years, have been together for 4 and years, and married for 3. She was one of my best friends before we started dating. We confided in each other and helped each other vent about our relationship struggles in college until one day she showed signs of interest in me and invited me to a "BBQ" at her parents which consisted of me, her parents and her brother. We started dating and had a very close and intimate relationship that felt like we had been together for a long time, I bought her gifts and surprised her at work with home made chocolates. She called me her panda bear (I'm Asian she's white) and held me so lovingly that I could cry. I learned to cook for her and she loved it, to this day I still do all the cooking. She pushed for marriage within the first month because her father proposed to her mother within a month of dating. Her family was so close knit, very different from my own and while I had my doubts about getting married so quickly I was heads over heels in love that I accepted that her parents would be a good mold for us to follow. 

We got married, and then proceeded to go through many struggles in our first year because we had just left school. We stayed in a tiny apartment and after one year she showed signs of unhappiness. I wasn't taking care of myself, work was stressful for both of us and I gained 100 pounds, she gained 60 pounds. We had struggles with our sex life, we went from every week to once every month to once every few months. I told her I felt unloved, she told me she was starting to not be attracted to me. We stayed together and tried to work on it

By year two we bought a house, we started losing weight and eating better. Her parents got a divorce. It blew her world out from under her. We started to regain the weight, she was continually unhappy and was depressed about her parents, I continued to feel like she wasn't always present in our relationship. I started to let things fall by the wayside, the house was a mess. She hated how unkempt I was. I started to dress like a slob. I wasn't romancing her like I should have. We had arguments on and off, I was the first to bring up divorce because she was so unhappy. We always decided to stay together and work on it together, we went to counseling, things got better. We started losing weight again. Our relationship was in a holding pattern but I thought we were on the right track. She seemed more romantic, I stopped being in a bad mood all the time. Things seemed okay. Throughout our marriage we were still good friends, we had lots of fun times and great talks.

The house was still a mess most of the time though, and 3 weeks ago she had a went on a trip to Colorado with her best friend. She was gone for 10 days and when she came back she asked for a divorce. She said that something snapped inside her while she away, she said she got to go out on the mountains and felt a sense of peace within her that she hadn't felt in years. She cried, and apologized and said she couldn't stay. I cried and begged that first day, the second day I hovered around her while asking her questions about our relationship and her thoughts. 

She says she loves me, but isn't sure that the love is enough for what I deserve. She says she was tired of being embarrassed by me and unattracted to me. She says she regreted pushing for marriage so quickly because her expectations about her parents were wrong. I said I wished we would have dated longer so that the pressures of marriage didn't hinder us. She says she was tired of hurting me and making me sad. I asked her what the worst and best thing about our relationship was. She said the worst thing was I was so unkempt and over ate, she said the best was that I was a good friend. I've accepted that it is over, but I still of course love her very much. 

I'm keeping the house and right now she's still here, we're still sleeping in the same bed. She's being as distant as she can. I've stopped hovering over her, trying to give her space. I've started to dress better, the house if finally clean, I'm still losing weight, honestly I haven't really eaten much. All in an attempt to change as much as I can with the hopes that it changes something. We have agreed to finish the divorce within 3 months. She will give me one year to make arrangements to keep the house because the mortgage is in her name only because when we first bought it my student loans change dour debt to income ratio to negatively for both of us to be on it. She will eventually move out. Until then I am doing everything I can to change myself, if not for the possibility to save our marriage, then to change myself so that I am happy with myself. I don't blame her for not being attracted to me, When i look in the mirror I don't like what I see, so I need to change that about me. 

I hang on to hope that if I change enough, that maybe within these 3 months she will change her mind, and if not then maybe in a year.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She lost attraction to you. A long time ago.

It isn't likely going to come back. Although, you can try.

How hard are you willing to work on this? Because you'll have to put crazy effort in for 3 months to take say a 5% gamble that she'll be willing to stop the divorce.

Or you can just let her go.


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## Talon235 (Mar 28, 2016)

I'm willing to work harder than I ever had before. I also am aware that the chances are very slim, but I might as well take it. We still have our moments where things are sweet between the both of us, but honestly I agree with you that there is hardly any chance she will change her mind. She has a good support system, I have a good support system. I might as well continue working on myself because if I ever have to try to find someone else I have be happy with myself anyways.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She's unlikey to change her mind at this point, I'm not sure it's worth trying to change because unlikely to make a difference. I'm sorry that you're in this situation, maybe you'll find someone better in the future.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Talon235 said:


> I'm willing to work harder than I ever had before. I also am aware that the chances are very slim, but I might as well take it. We still have our moments where things are sweet between the both of us, but honestly I agree with you that there is hardly any chance she will change her mind. She has a good support system, I have a good support system. I might as well continue working on myself because if I ever have to try to find someone else I have be happy with myself anyways.


Great.

So what's the plan, Stan?

You say you're an out of shape slob. What are you doing about it?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your changes need to be permanent. No woman is going live with a man like that long term.

If not for her for your next relationship. Hopefully you'll learn from this.

At this point do it for yourself if she comes along great but don't count on it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You don't change for her. You change for you. 

If who you become is attractive to her, great. If it does not, then it is time to let her go.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Talon235 said:


> She says she loves me, but isn't sure that the love is enough for what I deserve. She says she was tired of being embarrassed by me and unattracted to me. She says she regreted pushing for marriage so quickly because her expectations about her parents were wrong. I said I wished we would have dated longer so that the pressures of marriage didn't hinder us. She says she was tired of hurting me and making me sad. I asked her what the worst and best thing about our relationship was. She said the worst thing was I was so unkempt and over ate, she said the best was that I was a good friend. I've accepted that it is over, but I still of course love her very much.
> 
> I'm keeping the house and right now she's still here, we're still sleeping in the same bed. She's being as distant as she can. I've stopped hovering over her, trying to give her space. I've started to dress better, the house if finally clean, I'm still losing weight, honestly I haven't really eaten much. All in an attempt to change as much as I can with the hopes that it changes something. We have agreed to finish the divorce within 3 months. She will give me one year to make arrangements to keep the house because the mortgage is in her name only because when we first bought it my student loans change dour debt to income ratio to negatively for both of us to be on it. She will eventually move out. Until then I am doing everything I can to change myself, if not for the possibility to save our marriage, then to change myself so that I am happy with myself. I don't blame her for not being attracted to me, When i look in the mirror I don't like what I see, so I need to change that about me.
> 
> I hang on to hope that if I change enough, that maybe within these 3 months she will change her mind, and if not then maybe in a year.


It is likely that she made up her mind over a year ago, but just now worked up the courage.

Is there hope? There is always hope. Even if she does not change her mind, you have a new catalyst to become a better you. Take every opportunity that you can use to do this. Be there for her, but respect her wishes to distance herself from you. If you become pushy or beg for her to stay, it will only push her away more.

Do not take an approach by doing whatever you can do. That is not genuine. Make genuine change, otherwise she will never take you seriously. Be the you that you want to be and be the you that you can be 6 months from now, and 1 year from now. Go back to square one and rebuild the relationship from the ground up. She will have to reciprocate by allowing each layer of the relationship to be built. If she reciprocates, you will be adding layer by layer.

Give her periodic invitations. No heavy relationship talk. Just enjoy each other. If the disconnection is more severe, then do it like " I am going here, would you like to come."

If it is more severe

"Me and my friends are going here, would you like to tag along."

Good Luck


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## Talon235 (Mar 28, 2016)

Thank you all. Yes I do have to do this for myself, and currently my mindset is that this is a catalyst that I need to take advantage of. We had already been tracking our calories and going to the gym 3 days a week for the past few months. I have lost about 30 pounds since I was my heaviest but periodically we would go out together with friends and overeat on "cheat weekends" so our progress was slowed. I'm personally cutting out the cheat days and currently going to the gym 4-5 days a week, currently I am eating about 1500 calories a day where before I was allowed 1800 and still be at a 500 cal deficit.

I realized that begging was useless and would probably make things worse the first few days. I am doing this for myself, not for her. Part of our problem too is that we were smoking weed together and with friends all the time which lead to a lot of complacency. At this point I have no desire to ever smoke again. With my mind clear I am able to be more aware of my surroundings and keep things clean. 

I had a discussion with a good friend yesterday about the way I was dressing that really hit hard. He was the one who told me I dressed like a slob and at the age of 28 I look like I'm still in college on days where I'm not at work. I've decided to throw away my old cloths that fit this description and wear my good cloths even on days I didn't want to dress up. 

I have done a lot of soul searching and yes, it does help to hear from strangers that she won't come back. It does make me let go a little more. I have to take care of myself. I won't be the one who asks for her back, if she likes what she sees it has to be her who has to initiate.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Pure calorie restriction is a short-term fix. You need to overhaul your diet and at some point look at calorie cycling and retraining your body to consume calories from protein and quality fat sources.

Lift heavy things. Often. 3x a week minimum. On off days do other things -- yoga, Pilates, something else to keep you active and moving. 

Get a trainer and nutritionist. Cut weed to zero -- and I mean zero. It can kill your testosterone production.

Go to some good clothing stores and talk to the staff that are good. When I was on my journey, I found a cool place downtown and talked to the manager, who was gay and a straight talker. Tuned me right up fashion wise.

Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene. What's your routine? Shaving, Cologne, hair? 

What do you do for fun?

You need a total lifestyle overhaul.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

As others stated, make changes for yourself, not to 'win' her back. You never know, just because this doesn't work out, doesn't mean your life doesn't have many new, exciting things waiting for you on the horizon. Your marriage ending might be more of a wake up call for you, to make positive changes. Don't view this as a failure, but view it as a new beginning. Prayers for you.


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