# Different Advice (not relationship related...ish)



## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Over the last few months I have learned so much about myself its untrue.

I also believe that a lot of my behaviour stems from boyhood dilemas.

Now i haven't been to see a IC or anything about it, because I can see all the things in my past and how they have built up to being part of "me" and how I act.

This ultimately started with bullying at school, and though this I began to seek approval from anyone and everyone just to be liked.

After leaving school I formed a new lease of life, I flourished. Grew stronger etc etc, and suddenly a lot of the bullies grew scared of me...

However, I can see that my anger side of me, all stems from this, in that I believe its all down to me "staking my claim" in order to stop anyone from doing it to me again.

Then came relationships, I built a good few "girls" when i was younger, only to eventually turn into "nice guy" and all back fired (especially when my "anger (above)" came into it at the closing stages.)

Now I can link it all together, the anger, the nice guy etc and I am working so hard to rid myself of the boyhood/early teens that threatened to disrupt my life.

Now, I am 32 (33 in a few weeks), and to some extent they still play on me.

This forum has helped me Identify my "nice guy" traights and also managed to indirectly see all of the above. And my "nice guy" side is well and truly on its way out.

My question is...

I know how to now supress the nice guy, but how can I get to grips and forget my childhood hurt to become the truly "Mr Happy ME", suppress the anger and especially my "sarcasasm"...

I Thought about everything a lot today and have depressed myself a little and so much fits.

I guess I just need to eb bigger than that and continue to build on me and my partner and wonderful kids

I suppose no replies are necessary, but feel better writing this down, after finally realising where most of my behavious stems from...


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Neil,

For me I've been listen to the audiobook of bradshaw's homecoming and come you realize that many things that have happened are not you're fault and were really beyond your control. This understanding helps me with the process. For me I had a double whammy of an alcoholic father who wasn't present and an emotionally unfit mother and was an only child. I now better accept was has happened and just as you developed the "nice guy" to survive you can now develop better behaviors to overcome this and any other obstacles in your life


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Neil said:


> Over the last few months I have learned so much about myself its untrue.
> 
> I also believe that a lot of my behaviour stems from boyhood dilemas.
> 
> ...


Neil,

I've been in the same boat.

It works best (for me) using the Internal Family Systems school of psychology. It's called "IFS" for short.

It helps you identify your various "parts" and lets you work on them. Once you conquer the idea that your personality is "connected", you'll quit saying "that's just me" and actually go to the source of your discontent.

Basically, the one who has to care for you is "you".

We look for someone to care for us in relationships. That's how we end up so needy and uninteresting to women.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't discount getting professional help. Figuring out the cause is great - but no harm in getting help to find a solution.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You could save a lot of time and energy by seeing a therapist--even if only once every few months as a way of getting a "reality check." You've already taken a pretty serious mis-direction--you want to "suppress" anger and sarcasm. That is artificial. The goal is to reframe your thinking so that you do not feel the anger (and if you don't feel angry, you will not be as inclinded to be sarcasm, which is passive-aggressive expression of anger).

Read some books on CBT-cognitive-behavioral therapy. They should help.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

There are IFS certified therapists.

I think they're the best.

My remarks in no way should be seen as dissing professional help.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

There is no suppression of anger that truly works forever. (My own biases, this is written from a Christian POV.) 


I'll put it to you another way. We get angry, we forgive, and sometimes we reconcile with those whom has (to our mind & heart) done us wrong. It is possible to understand, and forgive without reconciling. Reconciliation requires actions to be taken on their part as well; forgiveness does not. 

Until you are truly able to understand, and forgive those in your past, you will feel that anger. Until you get to that point, you will struggle occasionally with situations where the emotions you are feeling in the present are tied into events of the past. The big importance here is to recognize when those ghosts, and hurts of ghosts are interfering in your present life -- and try to short circuit that. The only long term fix I know is ultimately forgiveness of those whom have hurt you; in the short term, recognizing it for what it is can help enough to get through those moments. Sometimes you have to step away for a bit to get back to dealing with the present rather than the past. 

In my own life I've had to battle ghost from a mother who truly didn't want me, and considered me more of an unwanted burden than someone I could ever get basic needs met from (emotional or otherwise). A person who did fill those needs for a long time in my life, and ultimately betrayed me. An abusive relationship with my daughters mother that still occasionally haunts me to this day. 

These things did not do wonders for my attitude toward women, and the first two go a long way into explaining my needs for approval from women. The day I figured that out it was light a million lights went on at once. The 2nd I had forgiven, and even understood on some level. I asked her to be something other than what her true nature was, and I knew it -- but I still felt compelled to do it. My mother -- a lot harder; I still see her, but while I forgive her, I haven't reconciled with her (and I might not ever reach that point). My daughters mother -- biggest struggle of forgiveness I've had in my life, and I would be lying if I told you or anyone else I had completely forgiven her for the things she did, and the damage it caused to myself & many others. 

There is another person you need to forgive in all of that; you need to forgive yourself. You acted with the tools you had, the knowledge, and insights you had at that time. 

I used to struggle a lot with certain sets of tones of voice that would put me in that flee or fight mode, or just remind me of times in my life where I would never have that approval, safety, or other emotional things I had wanted growing up. I had a person in my life who was gracious enough to point out when she could see the change, and I started dealing with some of those ghosts; mostly by recognizing them for what they were. For awhile I felt the ghost emotions along side the other emotions of the present situation, and I learned to try to snap myself back to the present. I also learned I had to get angry with that stuff in order to get over it -- just it wasn't the right place or time to express it if I didn't want to make someone else a victim to it. If you never allow yourself that anger, you will be unlikely to get past it. 

So sometimes this stuff is a struggle. You'll have a point when you realize you need to feel that anger over the things in your past, and find its proper place for it. Counseling is a great place for this if you can afford it. Sometimes a safe person to confide in is enough to get you to see it for what it is. Ultimately I don't think it stops until you can forgive them, but this can take quite a bit of time, and there are stages of forgiveness if the events have caused deep enough wounds. 


We are all a work in progress


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Cheers for the replies.

I did mention my "actions" to my partner (a big step for me this) and she seemed to understand what I was saying about my anger traits (conveniently left out the "nice guy" stuff though LOL).

I think I am going to have a few days routing around about this to identify a suitable way forward.

The fact that this all makes sense to me now after all these years has hit me like a truck.

So I think its about letting this sink in for a while, and read up a bit more. I like the idea of IFS from what I briefly read about it.

At least I can identify it all now, and admitting a problem exists is half the battle won right?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Neil said:


> Cheers for the replies.
> 
> I did mention my "actions" to my partner (a big step for me this) and she seemed to understand what I was saying about my anger traits (conveniently left out the "nice guy" stuff though LOL).
> 
> ...


Absolutely.

Yet, the "other half" of the battle is under control of another.

We don't have any say about that.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> Yet, the "other half" of the battle is under control of another.
> 
> We don't have any say about that.


Completely understand...

Do you have any web resources/links you recommend?

I think If I can nail the above, I will become the happiest I have ever been :smthumbup:

BTW, my manning up has yeilded a result I wasn't yet expecting.
Friday night, yeah baby, SHE INITIATED for the 1st time since.. well, I can't remember, and she was like a dog on heat.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

So, bullet in the mouth, ready to be bitten.

I have a session with my Doctor tonight to cover a few things (Issues with my neck, and a painful "Skin Tag") and so will put this in for good measure, and see what he suggests and if a referral is necessary...

Feel 100 times better already having shared this with my partner (last week), and mother (this morning) and then hopefully see where my Doctor suggests we go from here.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Neil said:


> Completely understand...
> 
> Do you have any web resources/links you recommend?
> 
> ...


Neil,

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner.

Buy Therapy Books & DVDs, Counseling Books & DVDs

Get the first book on the list.

Worth its weight in gold, even though the title sounds a bit campy.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Neil,
> 
> I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner.
> 
> ...


Cheers Conrad (no need to appologise, i've been around here long enough to know you haven't ignored it)

Will look at getting that.

Agree with your comment about the title


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

had the session with the doctor.

He stated he thought I had real guts to approach him with this, and that the fact that I recognise my behaviour in fact a real big starting point. He listened to everything that I said, didn't interupt and I felt like he really listened to what I had to say.

He then offered me 2 suggestions.

He felt that I was intelectual enough and that I probably had nailed my reason for being this way, however, offered the chnace if I felt I wanted it, to be referred to a specialist councillor to help me identify and put actions in place, or I could look into some self help.

He gave me a link to a self help site (Living Life To The Full) living life to the full. (CBT site)

Again, gave me a choice on what I felt comfortable with.

After some discussions, came to the conclusion that I would attempt to read/understand and act on the CBT site, however, If I felt after a few weeks/couple of months that I was not making progress, he would at my disgression refer me to a specialist who could help me with practical elements.


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