# The difference between “Dead End” and “Open Road” of an addiction-laden marriage.



## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

I’m a relatively new poster (have lurked for over a year). I feel compelled to post. Perhaps as more of self-therapy, but also wanting to share my different experiences in dealing with addictions of my spouse.

I’m currently in my second marriage. My first marriage was destroyed by lies and manipulation (tons of gaslighting). My first husband had an addiction to gambling (still does, I believe). He had lied (daily) about small (work related functions) and big things (a health scare). Over the course of our 14+ year marriage, we had come to several culminating discussions (me asking for something to change….expressing the pain of all of lying…asking to seek help).
Each time we had these “come to Jesus” talks, he would apologize and say he would change…but there was no plan of action…and when there was a suggested plan, there was no follow-through. Yes, it took me 14 years to finally say “I can’t do this anymore”. 

Even during the divorce process, I had hopes of change…Instead I was met with indifference and his desire for self-preservation. Here’s the ‘Dead End’ of an addiction-laden relationship.



Now I am in my second marriage to an amazing man. Someone who treats me as his partner… Who cherishes me as his wife….I have no doubts that this man loves me immensely…. But…
My current husband also has an addiction. He has been struggling with sexual addiction for years.
I was aware of this addiction prior to us getting married…He had been attending a meeting group on a regular basis for several years up until a few months ago. Unfortunately his job schedule had brought an end to these gatherings.
With our jobs having opposite schedules and a change in some of our social circles- Both my husband and I have been in a transition period... trying to find either significant friendships as individuals or another married/committed couple to socialize with. This has been a somewhat slow process. I have been more successful in finding friends as my work schedule is the more normal M-F; 9 to 5 schedule. 

Over the past several weeks, my husband had been feeling more and more isolated. He succumbed to his demons and started viewing an extensive amount of porn, as well as viewing ads on CL. 

Even with the awareness of this struggle, I was devastated upon discovery (I discovered on my own…he did not bring this to me). 

However…..Here’s the ‘open road’ within an addiction-laden relationship.

Upon revealing my discovery to my husband, this is what he has said/done. His first apology was not “I’m sorry I screwed up’ or anything that reeked of ‘I’m sorry I got caught’ but his first words to me were, “I’m sorry that I did not bring this struggle to you, but instead you had to discover it on your own.”
Then came the actions that followed the words….Taking extraordinary precautions… working together to create a plan of protection for our marriage…. Including, but not limited to, blocking inappropriate websites/emails. Limiting computer time to when I’m present. Seeking out/attending SA meetings again.

One of the things I just discovered that has had great impact on my healing, is the permission to bring to him, my fleeting thoughts of doubt. My first instinct was that this would give him the message that I’m continually throwing his ‘indisecretion’ in his face. But he wants to understand the impact of this (however it manifests itself). It then allows him to address any doubts that pop in my head. Reinforcing trust. 
But even moreso, it frees me from living in self-induced doubts….allowing them to grow and fester….always keeping the wound open…

Don’t get me wrong…. This is work….but it is the kind of work we both signed up for when we said our vows.
I never expected my husband to be perfect, nor could he expect me to never fail him. 

It is within the vulnerabilities of our failures and mistakes that gives our spouse the opportunity to love on us…. 
If we try to convince ourselves to keep things from our spouse in order to ‘protect them’ or not hurt them, we prevent them from loving us… we essentially reject the love they have to offer….and in the end…reject them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This is a powerful post. My husband is also a sex addict who is working very hard on recovery. Your story illustrates to me one of my greatest fears - that I will discover something again. I am so happy to read about how your husband handled it - it gives me comfort. Thanks so much for posting this :smthumbup:


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

Thank you Hope-

I'm having one of those weak days...where my insecurities are bubbling over. I had a hectic morning and in the midst of everything I accidentally grabbed my husband's cell phone... 

I looked through his call list/messages. There's nothing out of the ordinary... but what I hate the most is having this feeling of doubt and having to question even a minor phone call. I long for the day when I didn't have to second-guess. It just feels so horrible.

Just needed to vent a little.. This feeling will pass...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes it will. Hugs to you.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

I talked to my husband this morning...I seriously could not ask for a more loving husband!

He is doing his work. He strives to reassure me...

I am so thankful that I have this level of communication with him. I know I am messy in my communication at times. But my husband challenges me not to hide my pain (he's aware of how well I compartmentalized my painful feelings during my first marriage).

There is so much hope and healing in these little moments of struggle...

Thank you for the hugs Hope...knowing there is someone who understands these messy/yucky moments helps...


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