# Very Clingy 11-Year old daughter



## SunnyDaze

11-year old daughter will not leave my side even for 5 minutes. I can't go to the bathroom without her following me in. If I shut the door to change clothes she stands directly outside the door and waits impatiently. She hasn't always been like this. Long story short, her Dad and I divorced 2 years ago, I remarried and have 2 stepsons. I'm sure this behavior is a product of these changes but I'm not sure how I should handle it. She spends 4 nights a week and most of the weekend with me so I see her every day. The stepsons are not demanding at all. My husband occasionally would like to sit next to me at dinner, or would like to have a private conversation with me and she gets upset. She is a straight A student, generally good attitude, rude and demanding on occasion but not too extreme although my husband disagrees. Anyone experienced this?


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## lenzi

How's her relationship with the stepsons?


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## PBear

Have you considered counselling for her? When did her behaviour start? How long ago did you marry? How long ago did your husband and you separate? 

C


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## EnjoliWoman

Have you asked her why? Is she independent otherwise and goes to sleepovers and invites girls to her house for sleepovers? Do you and her father get along still or is there a lot of animosity? Who initiated the divorce and why?

You should talk to her about why she feels the need to be within sight. Sounds like a bit of regressing back to the separation anxiety phase toddlers go through. Family counseling can help.


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## SunnyDaze

She gets along with the stepsons for the most part. Her Dad and I split up 2.5 years ago. I re-married this past July; but we have been living together a year and a half. My husband now is very affectionate and I think she feels like she is in competition with him. He is very patient and understands but it is getting out of hand.


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## happy as a clam

How old are the stepsons -- older or younger?

This makes a big difference in the advice I will give you.


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## PBear

She's watched you "replace" her old family with a brand new family, and it happened very quickly. IMHO. Work with a counsellor or therapist to help her deal with her emotions and fears. 

C


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## SunnyDaze

Her Dad and I get along, but he is very vocal about not liking my current husband. My x-husband and I we separated (but not yet divorced) when I starting seeing my current husband. My daughter has to be careful what she says around her Dad. Her Dad has a girlfriend that is very good to my daughter and they get along great. I asked her last night if she was afraid I was going to leave her (and I reassured her that I would never) but she said no.


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## SunnyDaze

happy as a clam said:


> How old are the stepsons -- older or younger?
> 
> This makes a big difference in the advice I will give you.


Stepsons are 12 and 14.


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## Green Eyes

Do you have any other children or was she an only child until you remarried?


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## PBear

What she admits to feeling and what she actually feels can be two very different things... 

C


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## SunnyDaze

EnjoliWoman said:


> Have you asked her why? Is she independent otherwise and goes to sleepovers and invites girls to her house for sleepovers? Do you and her father get along still or is there a lot of animosity? Who initiated the divorce and why?
> 
> You should talk to her about why she feels the need to be within sight. Sounds like a bit of regressing back to the separation anxiety phase toddlers go through. Family counseling can help.


She is very independent at school, involved in sports and student council. She hasn't spent time with friends other than her cousin lately. Her father and I get along, but I'm not sure he has moved on even though he has a girlfriend (who is great btw). The divorce was a long time coming - I wasn't happy for a LONG TIME and he was verbally abusive according to my friends and family although I still don't understand that completely.


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## SunnyDaze

Green Eyes said:


> Do you have any other children or was she an only child until you remarried?


I have a 22 year old daughter (and 1 year old grandson) that do not live at home. She moved out when she was 19. So basically 11 year old was an only child.


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## happy as a clam

SunnyDaze said:


> Stepsons are 12 and 14.


Ok... my radar is WAY up... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with "new" stepsons in the house and the daughter becomes "super-clingy"??? They have never lived with a girl in their home.

I may be way off base, but your PRIMARY responsibility is to your daughter -- not your husband OR your stepsons. (Your current husband is NOT your daughter's father, and that's why I rank him lower in the hierarchy.)

Keep your eyes and ears open, OP...


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## lenzi

happy as a clam said:


> Ok... my radar is WAY up... Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable with "new" stepsons in the house and the daughter becomes "super-clingy"???


I have the same concerns. 

It might be time for "the talk".

"Has anyone touched you inappropriately"

Of course, she may not answer honestly.


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## Green Eyes

I wouldn't assume the worst, but I would talk with her as Lenzi suggested, particularly since she can be independent away from the house.

I'd also meet with a counselor and explain the situation by yourself and then have your daughter meet with them. Sometimes, a lot of times, it can be easier for kids to open up to someone other than mom and dad.


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## frusdil

They may not have touched her inappropriately, but they may be bullying her...and they may not.

Is your daughter always this clingy or only when the boys are around? How often are they there?


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## SunnyDaze

I appreciate the concern, and understand the radar being up regarding my stepsons. We have them on a very limited basis (every other weekend) and I don't think they would have the opportunity. Also, I am 99.9% sure my daughter would tell me, after she kicked their ass (she is proficient in Taekwondo). 

I really think she more feels like she is competing with my husband. The boys are at an age that they would rather be playing video games than spending any time with their parents. Other than preparing them food, they don't demand much of my time. I think her hesitance in telling my her feelings is she doesn't understand them. She went from being an only child, to going through her parents divorcing, to having a new stepdad and stepbrothers. I asked her if she would like to talk to someone and she emphatically says no. 

Thank you for all your advice and suggestions. I'll see how this weekend goes and report back.


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## Blossom Leigh

How does she feel about your husband...


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## Anon Pink

When a child clings to a parent they don't feel safe and they are seeking safety. But the lack of feeling safe could be internal or external, could be real or imagined, anxiety or molestation.

Would it be possible for you two to go on a mother daughter weekend?

I think PBear is probably most right in assessing your daughters sudden clinginess as being prompted by the changes in her life. Always seek the most likely answers first then proceed from there.

However, it's shocking how few parents actually teach their children that No One has a right to touch them in ways they do not want to be touched, no matter what has or hasn't happened, and that help shall always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask... 

So, if you two can spend a weekend together just doing fun girl stuff, it may go a long way to help her feel more secure and safe. 

Second thing to try would be writing a journal together. The rules are simple. Your write something about how you feel about her and include something personal but not too parenty, "if I was 11 I would def want you as my BFF!" Then you leave the journal for her to read and it's now her turn to write something. She then leaves the journal for you. Don't hand the journal back and forth, you have to leave it in her room, then she has to leave it in your room. No talking about what's in the journal unless something vital comes up. You'd be surprised at the deep level of safety and connection this gives to kids.


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## Anon Pink

I did the journal thing with my two oldest and it was incredibly helpful for us to reestablish a connection during those turbulent tween years when they are still very much a child yet reaching for those adult like moments. They're kind of lost during this time, not feeling comfortable in either world yet wanting both worlds.


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## SunnyDaze

She likes my husband but is acutely aware that her Dad does NOT. So I'm sure she is somewhat conflicted about that as well. 

Good idea Anon Pink. I will get a journal for us to write in. We already have hair/nails planned this weekend as well as the Trans-Siberian Orchestra Christmas concert (just the two of us). Also, every other Wednesday is girls night - the two of us do something without my husband. Dinner, sappy movie, shopping etc.

Thank you again for all the suggestions.


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## Blossom Leigh

Have you worked with her in standing on her own two feet independent of you? Even if she pitches a fit?


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## Anon Pink

SunnyDaze said:


> She likes my husband but is acutely aware that her Dad does NOT. So I'm sure she is somewhat conflicted about that as well.
> 
> Good idea Anon Pink. I will get a journal for us to write in. We already have hair/nails planned this weekend as well as the Trans-Siberian Orchestra Christmas concert (just the two of us). Also, every other Wednesday is girls night - the two of us do something without my husband. Dinner, sappy movie, shopping etc.
> 
> Thank you again for all the suggestions.


I suggest you start in a regular old spiral note book. Don't make a big deal of this. It needs to be from the hip, off the cuff, spur of the moment, stream of consciousness. 

"This is our secret note book, I write notes to you, about whatever is on my mind and you write notes to me about whatever is on your mind. We don't have to talk about anything we write if we don't want to, but we can talk about what we write if we want to. No rules except one, this is for us ONLY! No one else can write here! You take a page and then I take a page. You can complain to me and I can complain to you. You can tell me I'm unfair or mean and I can tell you that your feet stink."


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