# Six months into this...



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Its been 6 months today since my stbxh left. I first found this site in February and after reading a lot of threads I decided to post my own. Just a quick explination after almost 25 years of marriage my WH decided to leave. He admitted to having an ow & moved right in with her. I was blindsided & devistated. I saw a lawyer the next week so I'd know my rights. 

These past six months have been a journey to say the least. The first three months were horrible. I'd pretty much sit & cry. I lost 50 pounds over 4 months. I did contact old friends right away and they welcomed me back like I had never left. My family was tremendously supportive and this site was a lifesaver!! I have made a few friends on here and learned so much from reading other's stories. I thank all of you for that.

So now is a day that I'm doing a lot of reflecting. Its been a hard day - its not helping that what would have been our 25th anniversary is one week from today - but hey its just another day - just another number right? That being said I think I'm going to be ok. I am far from done with any of this and I have a long way to go but after being a SAHM for 25 years I went back to work part time last month. I can have a conversation with my stbxh without emotion. I realize I am better off without him - people who see me who have known me from before i was married say I look like my old self and I have the sparkle in my eyes back. I guess in the end he did me a favor if that's possible.

I've accepted what part I have played in the problems we had. I am working to fix those. I do have real trust issues when it comes to relationships with anyone - that stinks - but hopefully with time it will get better.

Again thank you all who I have met here. I'm not going anywhere because I know I have a lot farther to go and I need the support. To anyone who is just starting this journey - hang in there - it will take time but it will get better.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

you seem to have your head above water and understand the roller coaster ride you have been on and will continue on for some indefinite time but the ups and downs, from what you write, sound as if they are smoothing out a bit. After 25 years, the changes don't happen overnight. 
I'm sure your words will be a comfort to others who are facing such changes. Good luck on your journey.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Hang in there!! Go through the emotions and get all the support you can. You'll be much better in the end - it's a hard journey but this too, shall pass. Keep posting


----------



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

It's interesting that so many of us, after getting through the worst of it, end up realizing that we're better off without them. The rose colored glasses come off. I'm happy for you, you're progressing well.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank you all. Unfortunately my day of reflecting back was brought to a screeching halt when my kids met their father for dinner tonight. After the kids telling him over & over they did not want to meet his girlfriend guess who he showed up to dinner with? ( I started another thread about that). He ambushed the kids & I now know the ow is someone he worked with from 1993-2005 & then they kept in touch. Now I'm unsure how long their affair has been going on for.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Smallsteps, thanks for posting your update. I am two months into this journey and while I can say that I am surfing the wave and keeping my head above water, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Like you 24 years into this farce of a marriage. I have been a SAHM for the past 15, supporting him in his dream career as expats. I wanted to work, but couldn't due to no work permit. So, now, I am picking myself up, moving back to the US with the kids and reinventing myself. Your story gives me encouragement.
Thank you.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Thank you all. Unfortunately my day of reflecting back was brought to a screeching halt when my kids met their father for dinner tonight. After the kids telling him over & over they did not want to meet his girlfriend guess who he showed up to dinner with? ( I started another thread about that). He ambushed the kids & I now know the ow is someone he worked with from 1993-2005 & then they kept in touch. Now I'm unsure how long their affair has been going on for.


I hope that doesn't worry you too much.

What was your childhood like?


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I hope that doesn't worry you too much.
> 
> What was your childhood like?


Worry about the length of the affair? Unfortunately it does. My first reaction is disgust that after our kids told him time & time again that they didn't want to meet her - that he forced this meeting upon them because its what HE wanted. Then the thought of who it was has shaken me. See when he left he refused to tell me who she was. Yes I know I should have done more digging myself to find out who but 1- I was paranoid to find out ( because truth is my worst nightmare would be it turned out to be her) & 2- my philosophy (or stubbornness) was " hey you don't want me around? Screw you I'm gone - try living without me.

I know I shouldn't focus on how long this might have gone on but its hard not to. I guess on some level I was always suspicious - she was what I guess they would say his "work wife"? I thought she was too nice to do something like this and I made myself & at the time my small children known to everyone in the company. I think it was after he left in 2005 and we opened our own business that I started to wonder because one day while watching the store she called for him & got me instead. Look the reason it gets to me is because this raises the question - how much of the last 25 years of our marriage was a lie? This was a big emotional connection between the two of them for a long time - not just some chick he picked up or some midlife crisis. This was planned & calculated for a long time. True the end result it the same but this hurts a lot more.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

As for my childhood - it wasn't a traditional one. My parents were married 10 years when they decided to divorce. We were three kids - I was the oldest & my parents had just moved us from NY to Florida a year or two before. The divorce was your normal bs save for my fathers bad attempt at suicide when I was 7 I believe. We saw him on weekends & a week in the summer. He remarried right away. I had an unstuctured childhood being brought up by her. In 1978 she remarried & we went for our normal weekend visit with him. When we came back our house was packed up & we were told we were moving to new York. ( moms family were all there)We called dad & were on our way. By the summer of 79 the new husband was gone & we were sent to Florida for 2 weeks for a visit with him. 2 weeks turned into 4 weeks turned into 6 weeks that finally turned into my younger brother & sister wanting to live there & me wanting to come home (this is right before my 11th) birthday. Dad says I cant go home until mom agrees to let them stay. She does - I go home & mom goes after them (I exlpain what happens with that on "the emotional roller coaster" thread. This winds up with me not seeing my brother & sister for 4 years and in 1982 when they do come it leads to another court battle because they want to stay but dads aunts know enough hived ups in the local court system to get the case postponed & mom doesn't have enough money to keep fighting. My brother sister & I are raised apart from there on out. We always visited but lets face it that's not the same. Other than that my childhood was uneventful. I was well behaved - never got in trouble. I wasn't a great student but I was ok. The worst I did was started smoking at 14 (a habit I gave up 20 years ago) didn't have too many boyfriends - I wasn't permiscuous. I met my H when I went to work at 17. Didn't know him too well until I was 19 & we started dating in February - was engaged in April - married in July & we were pregnant in September.

So there you have it - my childhood. Are you sorry you asked? Oh & yes I was in therapy for quite a few years when I was a kid for all this.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Hey smallsteps,

Glad to hear you are doing better than we were both first here.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's difficult to accept that cheaters do what they wish without regard for the people left behind but that's just what they do. 

I dislike surprises and so I try to see every possibility in order to be prepared for whatever comes my way. I am not 100% successful but I'm close.

It works especially well when dealing with a cheater.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Openminded said:


> It's difficult to accept that cheaters do what they wish without regard for the people left behind but that's just what they do.
> 
> I dislike surprises and so I try to see every possibility in order to be prepared for whatever comes my way. I am not 100% successful but I'm close.
> 
> It works especially well when dealing with a cheater.


I'm not much up for surprises myself nowadays. I need to be in control & I like order in my life - I guess its a side effect from all this. I see what you are saying though - always be a step ahead.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Hey smallsteps,
> 
> Glad to hear you are doing better than we were both first here.


Thanks I'm trying - how are you doing??


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I'm not much up for surprises myself nowadays. I need to be in control & I like order in my life - I guess its a side effect from all this. I see what you are saying though - always be a step ahead.


I have learned, the hard way, that it helps to be a step ahead as much as possible. I'd rather not have learned that lesson though.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Steps,

With that sort of childhood, it's impossible not to have trust issues.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Steps,
> 
> With that sort of childhood, it's impossible not to have trust issues.


That's the saddest part of this Conrad - by nature I am an extremely trusting person. I was my whole life, now I feel like I can't trust anything or anyone. I'm always second guessing everyone & myself ( yes I have self esteem issues). Its the biggest thing I lost in all this. It makes me sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Smallsteps, thank you for sharing this with us. It has been over two months since my H decided he wanted out of our marriage. It sure feels so much longer than it has been as I have just been drifting through these weeks, over thinking things. I am starting to accept how things are going, it's super hard and I am still so scared about it all, but I just keep telling myself all I can do is move on, there's no point of living like this. 

It's comforting to know that even after 6 months others are still working through separation and so I don't feel pressured to have a time limit by which I need to have moved on. And I hope things will get better for you Smallsteps because you have been so encouraging and brave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank you juicy - I haven't been feeling so brave in the past 48 hours but I have great people around me pushing me on & id like to do the same for others.

You really can do this. At two months in I was still a mess. Still not completely accepting what was happening (no contact with ex though that helped me move on greatly). It wasnst until I got into my third month and I met two people - one who I could relate to because our situations & WH's were so similar it was scary & another who had gone through what I was going through & was there for me & helped start to drag me out of my confusion and helped me start to see things differently than I has been seeing them. After that I began to pick myself up and move forward - very slowly but at least in the right direction. Now - I just recently went through a huge blow since the ow was revealed two days ago but I'm handling it the best I can. You will too - just keep moving forward - you can do it at your own pace - no one can rush you. Just don't stall - little improvements each day are a great accomplishment at this point. Be proud of them & continue on in the right direction.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Steps,
> 
> With that sort of childhood, it's impossible not to have trust issues.


I first answered you while I was on break at my job last night but I gave your statement more thought overnight & you are right about my childhood but not about the trust issues - it didn't directly come from my childhood. I was in councelors offices for many years as a kid to work through all that had happened. You see though as a result of my fragmented childhood all I wanted when I grew up was to get married and give my children a stable home I didn't have. I married a man whose parents were married for 38 years until his father passed away. He was raised with the thought that marriage is forever - you don't cheat etc. By me putting so much importance and trust in my husband & my marriage you can imagine how it shook me when he decided to leave (by coming home from work one night & asking me to come out to the car) and when I suggested us going for councelling (after all after 24&1/2 years who doesn't need a tune up) he tells me nope I found someone else and its been going on for a while. THAT is why my trust has been shattered & I'm finding it so hard to get back.


----------

