# Thinking of a Trip Without My Diabled Wife



## LDS911 (May 30, 2008)

I am going to the east coast to the beach with my kids. My wife has MS and can't make that kind of trip but we really want to go.

She wants to go badly but, the distance is to far due to her disability.
Am I wrong for doing this? She thinks its the end of the world and us if I go. 
I know she would like to go but, again she can't.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Is there something closer to you that all of you can go on the trip? I can feel how much she hurts not being able to go and I can feel how much you need this trip to feel like you are doing something great for the kids. It is hard being in a marriage where someone is chronically ill. It is extremely hard for both of you. Does she have any reason to feel like this is the end of the world for you as a couple and a family? If she does then you need to work on those issues with her. If it is only a trip for you and the kids you need to be very supportive and loving to her. If the shoe were on the other foot it might be difficult for you to be the one staying at home while everyone is out have a great time on the beach. Maybe you could find her a great place to go locally while you are gone like a spa that will pamper the heck out of her. 

I don't know you whole story and how servere her MS is so I am just giving you some other thoughts. How old are the kids? Would one want to do a spa get-away with mom and the other goes to the beach with dad? You can always switch on another vacation(unless they are boys) then maybe you might have to think of another vacation plan. These ideas keep it as a family that includes everyone even though the destination is different. Just a thought


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think you need to consider your wife here. Look for something closer.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I would not go, do something with your wife and that is it.


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## LDS911 (May 30, 2008)

Well now the situation has changed.

This trip will now include my parents, my brother and his wife and my sister and her husband and all of their children as well. The only one missing from this now, "family event" will be my wife and she is completely broken down about it all.

My sister-in-law wants to have a professional photographer take a family portrait while we are there on the beach but, my wife will literally be "out of the picture". 
So, now my wife has broken completely down and claims she would never go anywhere like that without me if I were disabled and couldn't make that long of a trip to leave me behind. She says that the picture is like a final nail in her coffin and feels unloved and left behind as the only part of our core family not allowed to go.

We have never seen the ocean and she desperately wants to be there for that memory with me and our children due to her MS progressing so fast. But, again she can't make that distance with her condition. 
Not only that but we also have never done a family portrait of any kind and she is just beside herself that she is not going to be there for that.
Should I cancel this and make other plans for the vacation that would include her or is she just being unreasonable?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

LDS911 said:


> Should I cancel this and make other plans for the vacation that would include her or is she just being unreasonable?


make other plans for the vacation that would include her


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

Im sorry but I have to say something to this:

What a HORRIBLE situation you have put your wife in!! OMG, I would be severely PISSED off if i was her. Cancel the freaking trip. I cannot believe that you would actually consider going on a trip/vacation without her when you fully know she desparately wants to go!! Her family of all people should understand, let alone her very own husband. As if she probably doesnt feel bad enough with her condition, it is like completely disregarding her feelings/emotions by go ahead and going without her.

How would you feel if it were you? How would you HONESTLY feel if you had a disability that you couldnt help that was progressing fast and probably felt bad about and SHE did the same thing to you? If you say, "I would be ok with it" .....you my friend, would be lying. 

Cancel the trip to the beach and find something closer that will INCLUDE your wife, dont be selfish and throw away her feelings.


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## LDS911 (May 30, 2008)

My mother really wants to have this photo done though with me and the kids and my sister and brother and their spouses there so she has a family photo with her kids there but, again its without my wife but it includes my sister and brothers spouses. 
She says she is feeling completely left out and left behind regarding everything about this trip and the picture. Is the picture all that important?

Of course that is distressing to me that my wife will be the only one missing from the picture but who's feelings do I put first my mothers that brought me in to this world or my wifes?

I really am looking for answers and I appreciate Andrea's honesty. But shouldn't my mom's wishes come before my wife's?

I got a PM from a member of her MS website forum where I posed this same question cause I'm trying to understand this and they told me that ""I shouldn't even be married with such little regard for my spouse""

That seemed rather harsh so that why I posted here so it wasn't just MS folks responding.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

That's terrible. I would not consider the trip unless there were a way I could include my wife. There must be some way you can accomodate her needs while making the trip with her. If not, come up with another plan that includes her.


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

LDS911 said:


> My mother really wants to have this photo done though with me and the kids and my sister and brother and their spouses there so she has a family photo with her kids there but, again its without my wife but it includes my sister and brothers spouses.
> She says she is feeling completely left out and left behind regarding everything about this trip and the picture. Is the picture all that important?
> 
> Of course that is distressing to me that my wife will be the only one missing from the picture but who's feelings do I put first my mothers that brought me in to this world or my wifes?
> ...


Are you married to your mom or your wife? Who did you marry for better or for worse?

What is preventing yall from taking the pictures where your wife could attend? I am sure there is somewhere very nice yall could take pictures. 

You and your mother are being disrespectful to the woman of your children and the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with.

IMO, your spouse should come first. SHe needs that sense of security that you are her man and you will stand up for her when she needs you too. Your mom needs to know that you are a "package deal". either all of yall go or none. family includes EVERYONE.


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## LDS911 (May 30, 2008)

We've been married 18 years. Why in the world is this picture so important to her?


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

LDS911 said:


> But shouldn't my mom's wishes come before my wife's?


No. Your wife should always come first. Mom should be considerate and respect your wife's wishes as well.


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

LDS911 said:


> We've been married 18 years. Why in the world is this picture so important to her?


All the more reason to have her included! sheesh!


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## LDS911 (May 30, 2008)

Never mind the above question:

Time for some honesty with you all.

The situation is 100% true but, the role is reversed. I am the one with multiple sclerosis. I can not travel any distance of that length and everyone knows it.
I needed some validation of my feelings from people who would be unbiased and honest.

*My wife of 18 years, left for a beautiful ocean front home on the east coast, last Friday, with my children, her parents and her brothers and sisters in law.

*I haven't eaten anything since they left with few exceptions that didn't stay down long. Yesterday, despite my pleads for nearly a month about this photograph she caved into her mothers wishes and had the pictures taken with every member of her core family but, me.

*I have felt completely abandoned by her and that she has given me no thought to the fact that I have been left behind and made to be completely out of the "picture" in her's, my children's and her families memories now. 

*I had to contact my Neurologist Tuesday for depression over the whole thing and felt I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This has caused me to have a flair up with my MS. He scripted me some Prozac. I did not advise him of the suicidal thoughts that I had been having. ( which has just turned to raw anger )

*On the peak of this, last night BEFORE the picture was taken my grandmother passed away. "Nowwwww" she is flying home... It didn't matter to her that I was going through a nervous breakdown and feeling suicidal before. She could have jumped on a plane then but, she didn't and barely addressed it with me.
(( Yes The Picture Was Taken Anyway ))

So, I feel completely Abandoned, Unloved, Betrayed and Totally Alone in my love for this marriage ( even though she says she does.. talk is cheap ).
After 18+ years I feel very lost and very alone. 

How do I forgive this? How do I go on with a woman that did this to me? How do I get to a point where this pain of betrayal starts to diminish?

Please help me with this..

Thank you all very much and sorry again for the deception but I needed some validation for my ""irrational"" feelings.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

I'm so sorry to hear that. Obviously, from the responses you've gotten, you can see that you have a lot of support here.

I wonder if showing your wife some of the other people's responses would help her empathize better?

Has this been a pattern of behavior for her?

More important, has it been a repetitive theme in your relationship?


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

Looks like you got the support that you are looking for. I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I am at a loss for words....


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## LDS911 (May 30, 2008)

Our 18+ years have been beautiful. I love her with every single cell of my body, she "was" my best friend, one that I could and she could as well always count on.
I am very affectionate she tends to be more cold, always has been, and not to communicative. 
I don't classify that as a fault thats just her and I accept that. 
We have had our bumps in our 18 years but, through it all we came out fine. Until this.

She is VERY easily swayed by her parents ( obviously) and I am having so hard a time dealing with this abandonment and betrayal, of being left behind and taking a back seat to others needs when my needs I feel should have come first without question or any further consideration.
And to top it all off now in the family there is multiple reminders thanks to the professional photographs of me being left out.

She is in flight home to be here for the funeral stuff but, why am I not as important as that or her parents?

Its so hard to accept that what you thought was the 100% love of your life be not.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

As I said before, I understand both sides of the story. I would not leave my husband (at home, disabled) for any of my family and I love them alot. Me, at home, I would be pissed, 18+ nothing. Her family should be more supportive of an 18+ marriage and sensitive to your feelings as well. I guess if it were me, my family would be coming out to you, and we would be doing the family portrait with a photoshopped ocean background that I could look at and smile. 

On the other hand, I know that it is difficult to live with a chronic illness, my first husband died of cancer and I was with him 24/7 since I am nurse he was able to pass away at home, but I still needed a break. My breaks were usually drawing but once in a while I would get a break from a friend for an hour or two just to get away. It was very stressful seeing someone I loved so much, dying before me. Is this a break that your wife needed to rejuvenate to help take care of you??? You have to realize I feel terrible for your situation but if she has been your best friend maybe seeing you like this is taking its toll on her too. I know that the situation sucks but both of you are living with the illness that neither of you asked for. I don't think you lost your friend, I think she might be scared of what is happening to you too.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

LDS911 ~ I feel for you on multible levels. I suffer from MD, and at times there are many things I struggle to do and other things I have to do without. My wife would never take the trip without me. She altered plans many times for me, however, I have also let her go off with her family on many occasions too. But a family photo should include you. Every one of those pictures can be photoshopped with todays technology. I wish you the best and understand the hurt. I haven't been in your exact shoes but I can image.

draconis


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