# No Sex



## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

My issue is the lack of sex in my marriage. In the whole year of 2007, I've only had sex three times with my husband. I had a baby in May 2007, however, the sex was lacking before I was pregnant (honestly shocked I even got pregnant).

It's starting to really bother me and slowly tear at me about second guessing and wondering why my husband is no longer interested in having sex with me.

I am 24, and hubby is 28. We have been together 4 years, married for 1.5 years. We have one son, a 7 month old. I am a SAHM mom and hubby works two full time jobs.

Now I understand having two jobs can really tire a person, but I wonder if it can tire them this much. Also DH always has energy for things he wants to do (places he wants to go, and the whatnot).

Basically I feel like we are roommates who have a kid together most of the time. He doesn't tell me he loves me very often, hug me or kiss me either. I know he loves me, but there is no affection.

When we do have sex, I have usually initiate it and he never seems very into it and seems to be in a rush to get it over with. I'm left doing all the work as well.

I know he has a sex drive because he masturbates, but he just has no interests in having sex with me.

When I talk to him about it he says he is tired/stressed from work or that he doesn't want to with the baby in the same room. But when I offer to put the baby in another room he says no. 

Before we were married I caught him in the process of planning to cheat on me. I guessed his myspace password and read messages he sent to strangers trying to hook up with them. This was when he had two jobs as well. I was working at the time, so he tried to hook up on days I was at work. From all the messages it doesn't look like he actually ended up meeting up with anyone. 

Now I no longer have his myspace password - and he doesn't like me looking at his cell phone. He actually deletes most text messages off his phone now.

I honestly don't know if he is cheating or not. I don't think he is, because he really has no time to. His days off are spent with me. He is a big flirt though - with other women (not with me). He never compliments me. He has no problem telling me when I look bad though. 

I just feel bad. Like maybe it's me. Maybe he is just no longer attracted to me. Then sometimes I feel like I am just a woman he married to have and raise his kids. 

I miss intimacy. I just miss feeling close to him. There is an awkwardness between us now it almost seems. 

I don't know. I love him and I know he loves me - but we have no relationship it seems and sometimes I wonder if I want to spend the rest of my life living like this. I miss feeling "In love" with someone. I miss that good feeling. I miss being wanted or desired, ya know?



Well I don't know, but I was hoping someone might have advice or suggestions.

I've tried a lot of things. I have tried to spice up the bedroom by buying toys and costumes and things like the such - but he is seriously not interested at all.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I have to ask, how well do the two of you communicate? You never mentioned it and it might be a factor in all of this.

draconis


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

draconis said:


> I have to ask, how well do the two of you communicate? You never mentioned it and it might be a factor in all of this.
> 
> draconis


I think we communicate okay. He is not very good at listening to me though. 

But when we have problems/conflicts we usually confront each other with the problems.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

miss.kitty said:


> I think we communicate okay. He is not very good at listening to me though.
> 
> But when we have problems/conflicts we usually confront each other with the problems.


If he isn't good at listening then he isn't good at communicating. SOmetimes it is the appoach and removing the distractions. Sometimes it takes dominance stance. But you need to tell him that you want to feel the love everyday or the relationship isn't worth spit.

I use to be like your husband with my first marriage thinking I was building the future. My 1st wife cheated on me because she felt "alone". After I reflected on it I decided I would never be like that again. My current (2nd) wife and I have what I would call the perfect marriage but I go out of my way to do thinks with her and for her EVERYDAY.

draconis


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## Jewel (Nov 5, 2007)

I can see how communication could be the issue here, especially if he is not good at listening. I am sorry to hear about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. Is it possible that he could think you are cheating on him?


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## Mumofthree (Dec 26, 2007)

I'd be very concerned, especially since you haven't been together all that long and your sex life has died already. 
Are you sure there's not someone at work?


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

Mumofthree said:


> I'd be very concerned, especially since you haven't been together all that long and your sex life has died already.
> Are you sure there's not someone at work?


I tend to think along these lines. The passion shouldn't have died this quickly. You really need to open those lines, lay things on the table. 

In the meantime, if he's unwilling to talk, do not put your life on hold, get out of the house, find someone to watch the baby for a few hours and spend some time on you. Instead of dwelling on what HE's doing concentrate on what YOU can do to make your day a little brighter.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Some men are not always sexual just like some women are not always in the mood. He might be suffering from an injury or depression too. 

draconis


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## jenniferFl (Dec 28, 2007)

I feel the same way you do. I have been with my husband for 2 1/2 years now. I have two sons from a prior marriage and my husband and I have 1 son together. When I got pregnant our sex life ended completely. I thought it was because he did not like looking at me while I was pregnant but it did not get any better after I have my son. He too used the excuse about the baby being in the room with us so I put him in his own room. That did not fix it either. I have tried talking to him about how I felt and it did not work. I too have found him masturbating so I know it is not that he can not do it. He does not kiss me goodbye or tell me he loves me any longer. I had vowed to myself after my first marriage ended I would not live in a relationship that I did not feel loved or wanted. 

I too am looking for advise on what is going on and how to fix it. IF you need someone to talk to that is in your situation please contact me! 


Jennifer


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

Jewel said:


> I can see how communication could be the issue here, especially if he is not good at listening. I am sorry to hear about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. Is it possible that he could think you are cheating on him?


No, I don't think he thinks that at all. I'm at home with the baby all day and rarely see other people. This isn't my home town, so no old flames or friends around either.

He's the only man I have ever been sexual with and he also knows how I feel about people who cheat.


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

Mumofthree said:


> I'd be very concerned, especially since you haven't been together all that long and your sex life has died already.
> Are you sure there's not someone at work?


I honestly don't know. I know at one of his jobs he works with a guy I use to work with. This guy can't keep a secret, so if anything was happening there I think he would have already blabbered to me.

At the other job I don't know everyone, it's a bigger hospital (animal). He works grave shift though, with all guys and one pregnant girl (she's sweet and happily married). 

I'm not 100% he's not, I just think more then likely he isn't.

ETA: But he has the kind of job where he has a valid excuse to be late. If he is in surgery, he can't leave until the surgery is done. He doesn't usually come home late though and I've asked him if he was cheating before. He asked me when would he even have time to and I mentioned the valid excuse to be late and he said he's not.


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

debrajean said:


> I tend to think along these lines. The passion shouldn't have died this quickly. You really need to open those lines, lay things on the table.
> 
> In the meantime, if he's unwilling to talk, do not put your life on hold, get out of the house, find someone to watch the baby for a few hours and spend some time on you. Instead of dwelling on what HE's doing concentrate on what YOU can do to make your day a little brighter.


Thats what I kind of have decided to do. Although it doesn't help much. I keep thinking in the back of my head if maybe the marriage will not last. And if it did end all the problems that would arise. 

I'm in the process of getting my business degree, but because of the baby I have taken all online classes. I told him next semester I am going to try to take a class on campus - just to get away from the house a little.

He thinks it's a good idea. He knows that being at home with the baby all the time is starting to get to me. He suggested I go back to work for one or two days a week, but I don't want to have to find a babysitter for that many days. So taking a class on a day he has off, he can keep the baby.

I've been here 4 years and haven't managed to make many friends. When I worked I had drinking buddies, after I got pregnant they stopped calling. heh. I have met a woman around my age though who has a son the same age of my son and we have plans to get together on some days in the future. So I'm trying to think about myself more.


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

draconis said:


> Some men are not always sexual just like some women are not always in the mood. He might be suffering from an injury or depression too.
> 
> draconis


He has been a little depressed, even though he tries to hide it from everyone. His grandmother passed away a few months ago and he took it hard. He feels a lot of guilt too for not seeing her that much. But the no sex problem was going on way before that, so the depression may have contributed more to it, but it didn't start it.

He's not a big romantic person, which is fine with me. But he use to show me some attention. When we first got together we had sex once a week. Then when he started to work more, it went to once a month. And now it's, well you know, more like once every 3 months. 

When I caught him trying to cheat on myspace I told him I was leaving. He begged for me to give him another chance and he said he only did it because he was nervous about the wedding. That all his friends kept saying "I can't believe you are getting married and settling down." My husband partied and slept around a lot in his youth. 

He also promised we could do counseling, but he never fell through with that - or said later that it cost too much. 

The truth is now, we probably cannot afford it. But we could have back then.

He keeps promising things will get better, but nothing seems to change. After we talk about it (which I think he only sees it as me nagging), he tried to be a little more nicer and stuff. BUt that only lasts a few days.

A couple months ago he surprised me by taking a Saturday night off and taking me out to eat and then sitting on the beach. It was a nice idea but his mind was somewhere else. He seemed really down, but I think it wasn't too long after his Grandmother's passing. There wasn't really any romance though the whole night. We talked a little, normal small talk. We talked on the beach. Then we went home. We had sex, but like the times before, he didn't really seem that interested. It's like it doesn't mentally excite him anymore.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Could it be with his party days....

1) the type of women you sleep with is not the type of woman you marry.

2) He feels depressed from the amount of work he has done.

3) Is ashamed of his past.

draconis


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

draconis said:


> Could it be with his party days....
> 
> 1) the type of women you sleep with is not the type of woman you marry.
> 
> ...


1. Well thats true. I think I'm the only woman he ever brought home to meet his mom. But thats no reason to not want to have sex with me..

2. I don't know about that, he seems to really enjoy his jobs, but is getting burned out. But by the end of a vacation from work, he's ready to go back. He also has said he likes being the bread winner, he likes the fact the he provides for his family.

3. No, he's not ashamed. If anything he probably misses it sometimes.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe because you are the type of lady he would bring home to his mother he looks at you in a loving way, like he does his mother and since no one want to think of their parents having sex....

As far as being burned out in a job, I have seen it far to often and it effects everything about a person. How quick their temper is, How tired they feel when they get home (mentally and physically.) Working long hours is what most men do because they think they must, or they are building a future. That tunnel vision often leaves women cold in the "here and now."

draconis


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

Many couples have spells of no sexual activity, specially after having kids. He is probably too tired and so are you. Talk about it and confront it as one of your problems. Communication might be key in this.


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

berlinlife06 said:


> Many couples have spells of no sexual activity, specially after having kids. He is probably too tired and so are you. Talk about it and confront it as one of your problems. Communication might be key in this.


I wish it was just a spell, but this has been going on for more then 2 years. 

It's very possible he is too tired, I just didn't think he would _always_ be too tired.

I'm not too tired.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sex like many things can be addictive in nature, that is to say the more you have it the more you want it. Also, it is quite possible it is a bigger issue he is hiding like ED. One of my friends had such a problem and until his wife figured it out their sex life was squat mostly because he was embarrassed to talk to his doctor.

Working the hours he does he might just be that tired or doesn't want the on again off again sex. Or he might be oblivious to YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS.

I think the first step would be open communication.

draconis


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

draconis said:


> Sex like many things can be addictive in nature, that is to say the more you have it the more you want it. Also, it is quite possible it is a bigger issue he is hiding like ED. One of my friends had such a problem and until his wife figured it out their sex life was squat mostly because he was embarrassed to talk to his doctor.
> 
> Working the hours he does he might just be that tired or doesn't want the on again off again sex. Or he might be oblivious to YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS.
> 
> ...


I have tried but I think I will try again. I think I'll tell him I want to seriously sit down and talk to him in private (send the baby to Grandma's or something).

Today he and a coworker (the male that I use to work with, that we on occasion hang out with) took a two hour lunch. They came by to drop off quarters for me to do laundry. I'm kind of hurt my husband didn't offer to take me to lunch with them, or that he didn't come spend time with me alone. Even if it was just talking! The baby was at his grandmother's all day. 

I forgot to mention that my grandfather passed away in early November so I flew back home and was gone for almost two months. When I came back he didn't really act like he missed me. The first day he had off work after I returned, he spent it reading a book.

I thought going away for a little while would make the relationship grow - but it didn't do anything.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds more and more that there is a much deeper problem, I think ony communication will help to fix.

draconis


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

miss.kitty said:


> Thats what I kind of have decided to do. Although it doesn't help much. I keep thinking in the back of my head if maybe the marriage will not last. And if it did end all the problems that would arise.
> 
> I'm in the process of getting my business degree, but because of the baby I have taken all online classes. I told him next semester I am going to try to take a class on campus - just to get away from the house a little.
> 
> ...


If he's on board with this, then go ahead and do it. Something like this may be exactly what's needed, especially when it's his baby night. He may see how much you do and appreciate you a little more and give him a chance to miss you during the day. I know this may sound silly, but when I was staying home with our son, my husband tended to take me for granted and forgot just how essential I was to the home. When I finally did go back to work and on his days off...and I wasn't there...he said he missed me being around. Absence does indeed sometimes make the heart grow fonder.


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