# How many BS had to still have dealings with the AP?



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

My situation: It's been a little more than a year since D-Day. My husband and I are in still in the more tentative stages of reconciliation. However, due to who the OW was...I still have to have dealings with that person. My husband (the WS) has zero contact, but I (the BS) have to. There is no way around it. I would like to think I have been handling it relatively well, my situation. But there are still a times that it drags me back under. 

I was just curious if there are any success stories of reconciliation while having to have interaction with the AP. Are there any on here that have also had have that kind of interaction with them after D-Day? How did you manage it? How long did it take to get past being triggered each time you saw them? Or did you just deal with being triggered? How did the WS handle this? Do you have any advice?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

NC with the AP is necessary for the BS and the WS.

This is why many people need to move far away from where the affair took place.

Why are you not having NC with the AP?


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

oldtruck said:


> NC with the AP is necessary for the BS and the WS.
> 
> This is why many people need to move far away from where the affair took place.
> 
> Why are you not having NC with the AP?


A child is involved. I prefer not to post the details here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's been 8.5 months for me. The person I'm currently married to went out and procreated with one of her AP's, so custody is shared with an AP.

After the hostility ended everything was fine and we were civilized humans for a while. Everything was about the reason we had contact (my daughter) and that was it. I managed to go on an outing with the AP and my daughter, for her sake and at her request, and it was fine. I didn't like him, but I was viewing him as an ex and co-parent, and I had to do that to stay sane. It worked quite well for a short while until I started getting into my own head. Seeing him didn't really trigger me, when things were on good terms. So it was fine until it wasn't.

A week ago we got into a physical fight because I was triggered seeing him and my "wife" a few feet from each other, seeing him talk to her, and that being the first time they've seen each other since February (at a custody exchange). It was enough for me to call the whole thing quits and be done with this ****. Maybe some people can deal with it, but I cannot.

I just left my lawyers office after dealing with custody and divorce crap after said AP showed up on my doorstep bright and early today, with cops, to get my daughter.

I guess that's not a success story.

My advice: Limit the contact as much as possible. Have someone else, a third party, handle all of the custody exchanges so that you, your spouse and AP don't see eachother aside from school/sport functions, etc. There is no need to have contact unless it's an emergency, you can use a notebook sent back and forth. I think there are apps as well.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> A child is involved. I prefer not to post the details here.


Unfortunately, I suspect the devil is in the details and the issue with the child may be central to any sort of resolution. I can understand not wanting to divulge the details in public, but hopefully you're getting individual counseling on this?


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> Unfortunately, I suspect the devil is in the details and the issue with the child may be central to any sort of resolution. I can understand not wanting to divulge the details in public, but hopefully you're getting individual counseling on this?


I appreciate what you are saying...but my original question is looking for input on how others handled their own situations, instead of advice on my own actual situation. I was just hoping to compare feelings and coping methods. My own story is in the private forum if you wish to take a look and give input on specifics. I am always happy for people's input.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

bobert said:


> It's been 8.5 months for me. The person I'm currently married to went out and procreated with one of her AP's, so custody is shared with an AP.
> 
> After the hostility ended everything was fine and we were civilized humans for a while. Everything was about the reason we had contact (my daughter) and that was it. I managed to go on an outing with the AP and my daughter, for her sake and at her request, and it was fine. I didn't like him, but I was viewing him as an ex and co-parent, and I had to do that to stay sane. It worked quite well for a short while until I started getting into my own head. Seeing him didn't really trigger me, when things were on good terms. So it was fine until it wasn't.
> 
> ...


It's good that you shared this because I would say it is a success story...your own. You decided what you could handle and what you could not...and then stepped up for yourself. I appreciate that and applaud you for it. 

It is good to know that you had a period of time where you felt okay, but that it became too much. I wonder if the same will happen for me. I feel like I can handle it. But, we haven't been put in any situations where I would have to see my husband and the AP in the same actual space. We all go above and beyond where that doesn't happen, but I can see where it might in the future. Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> It's good that you shared this because I would say it is a success story...your own. You decided what you could handle and what you could not...and then stepped up for yourself. I appreciate that and applaud you for it.
> 
> It is good to know that you had a period of time where you felt okay, but that it became too much. I wonder if the same will happen for me. I feel like I can handle it. But, we haven't been put in any situations where I would have to see my husband and the AP in the same actual space. We all go above and beyond where that doesn't happen, but I can see where it might in the future. Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate it.


Oh trust me, if you were a fly on the wall that weekend there would be no applauding.

It was a lot of ****ty luck, honestly. The summer was split in half, AP getting July and me/my wife getting August. The day of the exchange happened to be a day when my wife would be around for the first time. I also had a septic inspection that day, and it couldn't be rescheduled so he had to drop my daughter off at my house rather than meeting somewhere. The AP won't let anyone he doesn't know do the exchange. My wife was going to just stay inside when he came, but he arrived early when we were outside. He purposely pissed me off and baited me by trying to talk to my wife (who ignored it) and tried to act superior to me. And I was already in a horrible mood and pissed off from the day before, which was pretty much one giant mind movie. Had things gone as planned, a very quick exchange and going straight back inside, then I probably wouldn't have called it quits. So if a bunch of bad luck hits you, I guess don't lose it and make a series of poor choices unless you want your marriage to come to a fast and very ugly demise. Be prepared for things not to go to plan and have an idea of how you will handle it.

If the AP you're dealing with isn't a total tool, isn't on a mission to prove you're the POS and they are so much better, doesn't purposely piss you off and bait you, doesn't act all high and mighty, doesn't have some weird obsession with your spouse, and isn't trying to sabotage your marriage for ****s and giggles, then you're about 100x better off.

Seriously though, limit contact as much as you possibly can. For 6 years we were all totally NC. Visits were supervised and done with a 3rd party. For the next year exchanges were done at the police station, I did them all, and there was very little contact. All communication was sent in a notebook that went back and forth. There was no reason for more than that. Sometimes a neutral third party handled the exchange. Then this year **** hit the fan and it was all over the place, when it shouldn't have been and the previous methods should have been stuck to. The arrangement this year was for all exchanges to be done with school hours. So I dropped my daughter off at school Friday morning, the AP picked her up from school Friday afternoon then he dropped her off at school Monday, and I would pick her up from school Monday. Mid week I dropped her off at school, he picked her up from school for an overnight, then dropped her off at school the next day. That worked well, and was purposely arranged, by my wife, so that there would be very little contact (I have other kids, same school). For school or sport functions, sometimes seats HAVE to be bought next to each other. They are sold per student so if that student gets 4 seats, they will all be in a row. Sitting directly beside the AP isn't a fun time, I either bought extra seats (if allowed), sucked it up, or had a 3rd party in the middle. If you can avoid them, obviously do that. If things ever get hostile, arrange all exchanges to be done at the police station, or the court can order supervised exchanges.

I don't know your situation, what options are available where you live, if you would even want it, etc. But if you would still want to see the child if you divorce, have a plan in mind. In most areas step-parents or even just caregivers who acted as a parent for x amount of time (varies) can have rights to the child. Depending on the laws where you live, you may be able to be made a guardian right now.


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