# Stress or legitimate decision



## molly2012 (Feb 28, 2012)

Hi, I'm new and posted on the grief board, before realizing that board isn't particularly active. I was hoping for some insight on my situation. 

My father suffered a debilitating stroke and cannot live on his own. The situation itself is very stressful, he was working full-time at a physical job and is relatively young (early 60s), his wife left him because she couldn't deal with it and my sibling says that she has a life elsewhere and can't come visit. So... 

My marriage is suffering horribly. My husband basically wants me to move in to my dad's home and stay there (rather than have him in our home). We have children at home (the youngest is 12) and honestly, I just want to be home, you know? I feel like I've been kicked out. I thought we had a good marriage, and this whole thing with him really surprised me, and is kinda making me hate him. 

So- I feel like if he doesn't want me at home, separation time, right? But I also know this is stressful for him too, so maybe let it ride for a while. I do wonder whether I will ever be able to forgive him. 

Any advice/ experience would be welcome. Sorry I got so windy. 

Thanks.


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

Believe me I can empathize with your situation. We helped care for my mother-in-law in the final stages of her battle with colon cancer and are now helping care for my father who has stage IVb pancreatic cancer and could go anytime now. 

My mother-in-law elected for home hospice and we had tag teams of people caring for her. 

My dad on the other hand does not have a large social circle and therefore is in a very similar situation to your father’s. Ultimately my mom (his ex) was gracious to let him stay with her in her spare room throughout his treatments and through home hospice as long as possible.

Staying at our place was just not feasible logistically and even if it was didn’t appeal to anyone involved. We have three kids 9-16 and no extra space. We have enough stress as it is dealing with the reality of the situation. Having him with us would not really afford us an opportunity to decompress. We give mom plenty of opportunities herself to decompress by bringing dad over in the evenings as much as possible while still making sure we get family and couple time.

That was basically my long-winded way of making two key points:
1.	This is in no way meant to sound callous, but your marriage has to come FIRST. 

You know those 15 hours a week of quality time you are supposed to be getting with your spouse? They are even more important now than they ever have been. I know it is not going to be easy to make happen but it needs to happen. Otherwise you end up with the symptoms you are describing (resentment on both sides).
Which brings me to the corollary…

2.	You CANNOT go this alone. 

You need your spouse and your children at your side through this, physically and emotionally. If they get the impression you are ‘checking out’ by devoting a majority of time to him, you will have a difficult time maintaining their support. At your father’s age there are likely programs he qualifies for through Medicare/Medicaid or the VA (if he is a vet) for access to in-home care or assisted living facilities. Your dad might have to make some hard decisions with his assets, if he has any, to support any uncovered expenses. You and your husband might be able to help too. After a stroke, he is going to need specialized care/rehab that you cannot provide directly anyway. Check with local social workers as there could be programs/groups that support caregivers. Point is, you should exhaust any and ALL options that don’t include him moving in with you or you moving in with him first.


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## molly2012 (Feb 28, 2012)

Thanks, I didn't take it as callous, just realistic. The situation (as it is now) is temporary, while I arrange other options. Trust me, I know it is not feasible to do this long-term. I'm back at my home (w dad) this evening, after a long talk with my husband. I'm just going to chalk the whole thing up to stress all the way around and work on finding options for dad. Thanks again.


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