# How does your wife express...



## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

This is something I am dealing with now in my marriage. I am curious to how men (in general) respond to their wives when she conveys what she wants/needs from the marriage?

I feel as though what I said either went straight over his head, he doesn't like to be told what I need, or he doesn't care. Does it hurt, rather than help when your wife straight-up tells you exactly what she needs to feel as though you really want this marriage to work?

Are there certain ways your wife tells you things that make it easier for you to understand and actually listen?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

If he's not listening to you, don't assume that he doesn't care. Instead, assume that you've failed to connect to him larniegrl. I can almost assure you that he "ironically" feels the same way you do about your marriage, just for a different reason. 

What I would suggest is that you take the next few weeks and physically draw closer to him. Make him feel cherished and loved as a man and as your husband. If you do that, I'll bet you a buck he'll take it from there and meet your needs as well. LIL


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Thanks for the response...I guess I'll try that again. I know that guys connect emotionally through sex...it is the foundation of communicating with them. I've been there and still try to do that, but I often feel like even after pushing for more physical connection...he just doesn't understand that I need more that just the physical.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

What is it you want/need that you can't seem to communicate in a way that he understands? Maybe we can come up with ways to get the idea across.


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Personally for me I would rather she be upfront with me, none of the game playing that I see in other people's relationships.. I'm not perfect so where I could stand to improve I'd like to be told before it becomes a issue for me , or for her .. Just my two cents 



larniegrl said:


> This is something I am dealing with now in my marriage. I am curious to how men (in general) respond to their wives when she conveys what she wants/needs from the marriage?
> 
> I feel as though what I said either went straight over his head, he doesn't like to be told what I need, or he doesn't care. Does it hurt, rather than help when your wife straight-up tells you exactly what she needs to feel as though you really want this marriage to work?
> 
> Are there certain ways your wife tells you things that make it easier for you to understand and actually listen?


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

I have had this talk with my finance in the past, I'm a very sexual person where she isn't all the time as much as I am it's come down to in the past her asking "Is that all you want from this? Sex?" Your right it is the way men connect but at some point there has to be more to it then just the sex



larniegrl said:


> Thanks for the response...I guess I'll try that again. I know that guys connect emotionally through sex...it is the foundation of communicating with them. I've been there and still try to do that, but I often feel like even after pushing for more physical connection...he just doesn't understand that I need more that just the physical.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like we had role reversal larniegrl. I had no problem expressing what I wanted from my marriage. My wife on the other hand, had difficulty with expressing her needs, and even more difficulty with fulfilling mine.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I've learned to be pretty straightforward. I don't like nagging or begging...just say what I need and have hoped that he heard me. Yet it seems as though he just doesn't get it.

I told him I felt as though I was number 2 in his life. That I felt we needed to spend more quality time together and "date" again. He has no interest in pursuing a deeper friendship with me, or at least that is what I perceive from his actions ever since I told him this 3 weeks ago. The response I have gotten (both verbal/physical) since then is that he doesn't want to be "inconvienced."

I told him I felt as though our emotional intimacy tank was on empty. That I needed to feel as though he respected and supported me no matter what, and that he truly loved me for me. I feel as though I've done my part...I've supported him, we have sex often, I express interest in his life/work...but rarely (if ever) get the same response in return. 

We've been to see a marriage counselor a couple times, and he's recently decided that he isn't getting anything out of it and therefore doesn't want to go anymore. I'm at a loss of what to do now...it is almost as if he wants me to continue to accept his faults/weakness, and love him regardless...but he has no desire to do the same with me.

Our recent fight...today...was over this issue. When I told him that I needed to feel safe expressing my feelings/emotions to him...and not have to worry about being made fun of or having him reject me...he told me I was crazy, that I needed help, and was irrational.

I just don't understand. I have a right to my feelings, wants, desires. He has a right to his, but we both have to yield here.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Man, this crap floors me. This is the same kind of guy that will be 'stunned' when he discovers that his wife/partner is having an affair.

Tell him that he's right and you're sorry for having made him so uncomfortable. 
Go write down a few paragraphs about who you are, your desires your goals, and the kind of partner that you want to share your life with. 

Take the paper, ask him to read it and give you feedback. When he dismisses or criticizes you tell him that it's not for him ...
It's the profile you are going to post to match.com and you just wanted to get his blessing seeing as he's obviously not interested in the job.

Sorry, that's my results oriented negativity talking.


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## phantom (Jan 15, 2010)

Wow I'm sorry that thinks are at this point for you, that sounds like it would be hard to have what you want just put on the back burner so to speak.. My finance and I don't see eye to eye on everything clearly but for the most part she is more then willing to listen to what I have to say 

Having said that I think you need to sit down once you both have had a chance to cool down and using I statements explain once again how your feeling I'm sure that you did some of that with your counseling am I right? You do this and you do that are negative but I statements are often more helpful in getting the issue resolved however if that still doesn't do it then perhaps there are deeper troubles 





larniegrl said:


> I've learned to be pretty straightforward. I don't like nagging or begging...just say what I need and have hoped that he heard me. Yet it seems as though he just doesn't get it.
> 
> I told him I felt as though I was number 2 in his life. That I felt we needed to spend more quality time together and "date" again. He has no interest in pursuing a deeper friendship with me, or at least that is what I perceive from his actions ever since I told him this 3 weeks ago. The response I have gotten (both verbal/physical) since then is that he doesn't want to be "inconvienced."
> 
> ...


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Thanks guys for the response...I may try again once I've settled my emotions a little. Its weird though...after the crying was over, I started feeling that I've done everything I could to make this marriage work. Pushed and pushed...and he still considers any yielding on his part not optional.

It is hard...I've been with him for four years, but enough is enough. I can't ride this wild roller-coaster for the rest of my life.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow larniegrl, I've read the rest of your posts and it's obvious my original advice was wrong. It's sad when your significant other takes you for granted. I know I've been there.

In my case, I became extraordinarily blunt with my wife. I reminded her that I would respect any decision she chose, but I clearly pointed out where her "choices" were pushing me. 

I then clearly and coherently stated what I needed from our marriage, and she has changed. She's helping and contributing a lot more around the house, and she has become much more appreciative of what I bring to the relationship.

I think sometimes people just become "too comfortable" in a relationship and start just "phoning it in". That was my wife. When she realized I loved her but needed more, she was forced to make a simple choice: provide for my needs, or free me up to find someone who would. 

I don't like ultimatums, but as you've said "you can't ride this roller coaster for the rest of your life". When you've got nothing to loose, you've got everything to gain. Go get him. LIL


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Thanks lastinline for the encouragement, advice and for reading my previous threads...

I've "gone after" him so many countless times and have been passified, rejected, ridiculed, mocked, pushed away, stone-walled (etc)...but never once truly heard for what my heart and soul was crying out for. 

He cannot move past his own addiction and self to see what exactly he is going to lose, and how much I truly want this to work. Yesterday's fight finally sealed the deal...he refuses to acknowledge my heart. He wants things to stay the same...himself included...the drinking included...the emotional neglect/verbal criticism/belittling included.

Crazy thing though...I am terrified at the thought of being alone. This place has been home for so long...I don't know what to expect. Yet I feel peaceful (for the moment) that I am making the right choice...and that it doesn't have to mean I am divorcing him...but it does mean I am standing up for myself and proving that I want more from this than what it is right now. That I believe love/marriage/commitment deserves so much more.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You know what the best thing about being afraid is? Conquering the fear, and discovering there wasn't all that much to be afraid of in the first place.

Moving past our fears is what forces us to grow. Growth is overwhelmingly positive even when it originates from a place of sadness or pain. So remember what fear really is - it's an opportunity for growth waiting to be taken.


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## missmywife (Jan 4, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your marriage problem. In order from your husband to get better, he has to admit to his drinking problem. Like you said, if he sees what he may lose (you), then that may open up his eyes. I felt I was always open and told my wife everything, how I felt, things I wanted, etc. We are about to get a divorce, I tried everything in my power to try and save it. She puts the majority of the blame on me, but there was so many things bottled up inside of her that she didnt tell me over the years. Just saying "im not happy" doesnt help, you have to tell your spouse what things are making you unhappy. Sounds like you are telling him these things, he just needs to get a taste of reality without you.

I am 100% against divorce, hate it. To many people take the easy way out nowadays. I finally accepted that my marriage is over a couple of days ago. I know I did everything in my power, plus, to save the marriage. When you feel that youve done everything you can, you have to re-evaluate the situation.

Good luck, keep us updated


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

I see too many people trying to _comfort_ you and not enough people trying to _help_ you.

What part are you playing in your own problems?

Every post you make is heavy on generalities and light on examples and facts.

What is it that you want?

The only question you ask is "do men like to be told what their wives need?"

Most men have been told "what their wives need". Most men have complied with those requests. Most men have then discovered that their wives spoke of their convictions but not of their desires.

The smart man knows that when a woman's convictions are different from her desires, always choose the desire.

Any man who treats a woman the way she says she wants is guaranteed to hear the dreaded "I love you, but I am not _in_ love with you."


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## missmywife (Jan 4, 2010)

AlexNY said:


> Any man who treats a woman the way she says she wants is guaranteed to hear the dreaded "I love you, but I am not _in_ love with you."


Thats a bit harsh. Another game that some woman play?


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

My wife and i also struggled and continue to struggle in our marriage when it comes to communicating needs. The big problem we had in the beginning is that I wasn't communicating my needs and oddly enough, she felt unneeded because of it. I had to express to her what I needed from her so that she felt important in our marriage. Now we struggle with how she communicates her needs. She doesn't do a good job of coming out and saying exactly what it is she is having a problem with. It becomes an overly dramatic blame game for her that usually just pisses me off. For example, if she would like for me to cuddle more with her at night, she would say that she feels depressed and disconnected and would ask me if I still love her. That's over the top to me. And after hours of talking then, I find out that all she wants to do it cuddle more. Why couldn't she just say that in the beginning? We go through things like this all the time now. I have been working with her on communicating her exact feelings and not dramatizes them. She can be accusatory as well. I think this is due to her sensationalized perception of things. She will beg me to go out with her and her friends. She tells me that all of the husbands are going and that she just wants me to be there with her. I go, and there are no other husbands there. I don't like talking to her friends because I really don't like any of them, but she gets on me about it because her friends are insecure and take it personally when I don't speak to them. Then I talk to one of them and she gets jealous and here comes the accusations. When all she really wanted was for me to pretend like I was having a good time and dance with her more. The way you communicate to your spouse is key. You have to be exact and honest, but at the same time be cognizant of how the other is perceiving it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

larniegrl said:


> Thanks guys for the response...I may try again once I've settled my emotions a little. Its weird though...after the crying was over, I started feeling that I've done everything I could to make this marriage work. Pushed and pushed...and he still considers any yielding on his part not optional.
> 
> It is hard...I've been with him for four years, but enough is enough. I can't ride this wild roller-coaster for the rest of my life.


Larniegirl-
Your post could have been mine...
After feeling like my husband just "didn't get it" I took the direct route. I literally said, If you want this marriage to survive, You need to do A & B. 
It still didn't work... although, he can be sweet as pie to me, and is a good husband on many levels... I can't get past the lack of emotional connection. 
There's so many issues... drinking being a big one. 
I HATE divorce... but I honestly know I've done everything I can. For me, it's heading there fast.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Temptime-thanks for responding. Its what I like about this forum, that people are going through or have been through the same stuff. It helps not feeling alone, or worse...crazy. 

I hope you find your path. It is hard realizing that I am now facing a future alone. I know that sounds depressing, but I think I would rather face the uncertainty of that, than live with him for the rest of my life. 

There is so much more to glean out of life. It is too short, too fading to sit and wait...hoping that someone will get their **** together. The weird thing is though, with all the crap I've been through in this marriage, even now, I still remember the good things. The small moments that I was happy, the things that I truly loved about him regardless of everything else. I am glad on one hand that I will never hate him...on the other, it makes moving on hard.


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## magic52 (Feb 5, 2010)

Are you sure you don't live in my house?? I think we have to start standing up for ourselves no matter what the cost. If our relationships survive then it was meant to be, if not then God has other plans in store for us!


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## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

I am a recovering alcoholic who let a good, loving 6 year relationship slip away thanks to the booze. I got drunk one night, had a fit rage about something I can't recall to this day, got behind the wheel, picked up for a DUI and came home 8 hours later to an empty house.

Made an oath to myself I would never drink again...and have kept that promise. She, on the other hand, had no faith in me and told all my friends I'd be back drinking within a month or two so, despite my pleas, she wouldnt consider coming back.

That was the wake-up call I needed...16 years ago.

Maybe he, too, needs a wake-up call.


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