# Who has maintained a comfortable relationship with their ex?



## Bremik

I know of people who have divorced often times as a surprise to others and maintained a relationship that wasn't nasty at least in outward appearance. 

These couples show up at funerals for significant relatives because they had been in the family so long. Or they show up at a sobriety event for the alcoholic spouse that initially was the cause of the divorce.

It seems if the divorcing couple can be amicable it makes it much easier to accept for children, family and friends.

So if you have achieved some aspect of this how did you do it? What was your frame of mind to initiate the divorce or did you initiate it, and what was your mindset when it finalized? Was there initial anger then acceptance or was it just a simple decision that the marriage could no longer work? How long were you married?


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## Diana7

Unless there are small children I don't see the need to stay in contact with an ex. In fact it will stop you from healing and moving on. 
Its only really something like a wedding of one of the children that may mean you meet, and as long as you both stay polite at such events then great. 
I haven't seen my ex for about 14 years and nor has my husband seen his. No need. If we did need to meet at some event we would be amicable and polite but no need to meet otherwise.

I would certainly attend a funeral of one of my former in laws (for example FIL is 90 this year), as I have more contact with them than my ex does and my now husband has met them quite a few times. I still consider them my family(I have known them for 44 years now), and care about them, they are still my children's grandparents, aunt and cousins etc, but I don't need contact with my ex for that to happen. I guess that my ex would turn up at the funeral hoping for something in the will even though he hasn't bothered to see them in years, but that's fine, its not an issue for me and I would be polite with him.

Oh and my marriage ending was very sudden and very traumatic after 23 years, but I am not one for revenge or living in bitterness.


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## Andy1001

Bremik said:


> I know of people who have divorced often times as a surprise to others and maintained a relationship that wasn't nasty at least in outward appearance.
> 
> These couples show up at funerals for significant relatives because they had been in the family so long. Or they show up at a sobriety event for the alcoholic spouse that initially was the cause of the divorce.
> 
> It seems if the divorcing couple can be amicable it makes it much easier to accept for children, family and friends.
> 
> So if you have achieved some aspect of this how did you do it? What was your frame of mind to initiate the divorce or did you initiate it, and what was your mindset when it finalized? Was there initial anger then acceptance or was it just a simple decision that the marriage could no longer work? How long were you married?


Buddy I remember your sorry story about your wife.
I won’t say anymore. 
Stay away from her. 
I repeat, stay away from her. 
That’s all.


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## Bremik

I didn't necessarily mean you stay in contact just that nobody went around bad mouthing the other one.

If you live in a small town with the ex and all your children you will have contact. If you had mutual involvement in community projects you may still have regular contact. 

It seems to me people have to "take sides" when there is bitterness. If it's amicable no one has a reason to take a side- especially the children. If the dirty laundry is kept private it makes it smoother


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## Bremik

Thanks Andy , but I do want my children to be able to not have to choose sides


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## Diana7

Bremik said:


> I didn't necessarily mean you stay in contact just that nobody went around bad mouthing the other one.
> 
> If you live in a small town with the ex and all your children you will have contact. If you had mutual involvement in community projects you may still have regular contact.
> 
> It seems to me people have to "take sides" when there is bitterness. If it's amicable no one has a reason to take a side- especially the children. If the dirty laundry is kept private it makes it smoother


You can choose to act with fairness and decency, but you can't control what your spouse does. In your place I would move to another town nearby, so that you can live your life away from her. I would not stay in the same small town.
14 years ago we were planning to move to a large town in the Uk. We then found out that his ex was moving there so we changed our minds.


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## Bremik

Thanks Diane I appreciate your input


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## MJJEAN

My ex and I had a marriage of mutual loathing. The divorce was actually much less drama than the relationship. We lived in different cities, so that helped. We didn't share many friends and the ones we did share ended up being closer to one of us and drifting away from the other within months. He didn't stay in contact with my family and I only stayed in contact with his parents regarding the kids. No mutual weddings or funerals or anything like that though I did send verbal condolences through one of our shared kidults when his relatives passed.

Most divorced people I know pretty much parallel parent and mind their own business, live their own lives, and don't have much involvement with their former in-laws. They nod across the room or briefly shake hands and say "Good to see you." or something like that when they meet at kids events or social occasions. *shrug*


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## Bremik

Sounds like MJJean divorce was just plain a relief for you.

I have a cousin who though he had been married before seemed like his second wife and he were a good match. They ended up having children together and then eventually got divorced.

I was surprised by the divorce. To this day she still cleans my aunt's - his mother- house and my cousin and his ex are in regular contact with each other and both dating other people. I see no outward animosity. I know of another couple the same way.

As an outsider and a relative it makes it much less uncomfortable if the exes don't openly despise each other and get along.

So I wondered how common that is and why can't it be that way. I kind of think how the divorcing couple handles will impact how friends and family will handle it


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## MJJEAN

Bremik said:


> Sounds like MJJean divorce was just plain a relief for you.
> 
> I have a cousin who though he had been married before seemed like his second wife and he were a good match. They ended up having children together and then eventually got divorced.
> 
> I was surprised by the divorce. To this day she still cleans my aunt's - his mother- house and my cousin and his ex are in regular contact with each other and both dating other people. I see no outward animosity. I know of another couple the same way.
> 
> As an outsider and a relative it makes it much less uncomfortable if the exes don't openly despise each other and get along.
> 
> So I wondered how common that is and why can't it be that way. I kind of think how the divorcing couple handles will impact how friends and family will handle it


Oh, yes, the divorce was a happy relief.

I've known a couple people who maintained actual friendships with ex spouses, but the majority seem to just go their separate ways and interact as little as absolutely necessary. Most of them never seemed to despise each other, they were just...done...and busy living their own lives.

I think the saddest split that remained friends was my Aunt P and Uncle D. They weren't married, but together in a marriage like relationship for damn near 2 decades. Theirs was an age gap relationship. He'd been previously married and his kids from that marriage were near adulthood. She was younger and desperately wanted kids. He didn't want to start over child rearing. The issue eventually caused the split. They loved each other, but children isn't something you can compromise on. They were good together except this issue and it was a doozy of an issue to have.

Uncle D remarried his first wife after he and Aunt P split. She married a guy named J (I did/do not call him uncle..he was a prick) and had two kids. Aunt P and Uncle D stayed in touch until his passing, as far as I know.


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## Bremik

Yes I have heard of situations like that also. It would seem for the most part done is done no getting along is necessary unless brief for chance encounters


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## SpinyNorman

Diana7 said:


> Unless there are small children I don't see the need to stay in contact with an ex.


 I don't need to be in contact w/ nearly anyone. I do tons of things I don't need to do. Life would be horribly bleak if I only did what I had to do.


> In fact it will stop you from healing and moving on.


 For me, the opposite was true. If you think it will cause you trouble, don't do it. But humans are a varied bunch.


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## Openminded

Bremik said:


> Thanks Andy , but I do want my children to be able to not have to choose sides


I remember your story as well. Are you finally out?


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## Bremik

In the process of getting out yes henceforth my posting here to continue with the handling of the after the divorce. I do plan on posting after the dust settles partly as a thank you and conclusion to what TAM and its posters offered me. In addition, like others I hope to relay what I learned and what I missed or contributed to in the problem.


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## SpinyNorman

I am acquaintance/friend to my ex. I was very worried about her when we split up, and now she is doing great. That is a huge relief to me.

Being married is hard and we didn't have what it took. There are reasons to hate someone, but that isn't one of them. 

Some exes really are detestable, but I think for a lot of people ex hate is either a lame defense mechanism or lack of candor about their own shortcomings.


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## Bremik

Thanks open minded and spiny Norman! That's what I have with others. It just seems to keep the peace and stress low everywhere when the exes can get along- nobody feels they have to pick a side. 

I don't think you have to be friends at all but be civil and don't bad mouth. I think people get the idea if you divorce there was a problem- why involve everyone in the problem?


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## Laurentium

Yeah, "no badmouthing" seems like a reasonable goal.


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## arbitrator

*With XW, my son's mother, a guarded one in that she is bipolar and I have little to no patience with some of her antics! Other than that, it can usually be pretty platonic!

With RSXW, there is little to no contact whatsoever and even then, only in written form; as I usually don't make concerted efforts to reach out to or respond to unrepentant money-hoarding prostitutes or any of their allies!*


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## Bremik

Arbitrator wisdom I love it! I understand divorce can also just prevent someone from killing someone else so keeping distance can be as good or better than keeping peace


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## Diana7

SpinyNorman said:


> I don't need to be in contact w/ nearly anyone. I do tons of things I don't need to do. Life would be horribly bleak if I only did what I had to do.
> For me, the opposite was true. If you think it will cause you trouble, don't do it. But humans are a varied bunch.


Jim smoke started the divorce recovery workshops and has counselled many many thousands of divorcing and divorced people. His advise is to not have contact unless you have small children and even then keep it minimal. 
If people are so desperate to maintain contact then why get divorced? We had no need to see our exes as we didn't have small children, therefore we didn't. Have had no need to see them since and unless my husband's youngest (at present age 33)gets married one day and invites all of us, we wont. We have moved on and left that part of our lives behind.


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## Betrayedone

......Haven't seen or spoken to my x in the 8 years we have been apart. Best for my healing. She thought we were still going to be one happy bundle of forgiveness and understanding. FOCK THAT! She guessed wrong. My goal in life is to NEVER see or talk to that biotch for the rest of my life. No need to.


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## SpinyNorman

Diana7 said:


> Jim smoke started the divorce recovery workshops and has counselled many many thousands of divorcing and divorced people. His advise is to not have contact unless you have small children and even then keep it minimal.


 I hope his advice is good for them. Doing the opposite has been good for me, and other people I know. Know thine own self. History has provided a lot of "former experts".


> If people are so desperate to maintain contact then why get divorced?


In the first place, I wasn't desperate to maintain contact. There are lots of people I'd like to maintain contact with, but am not desperate to do so. There are also lots of people I would like to be friend/acquaintance with, but not be married to. My ex was someone who moved into that category.


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## Bremik

Open minded and spiny Norman that's sort of what I have seen. You can tolerate each other even though you couldn't be married.

I can see where someone destroyed a marriage by whatever act probably isn't ever going to be a acquaintance type situation after the divorce. From I am learning a lot of the collateral damage fallout from divorce is people feeling obligated to take sides because the divorced couple made the fight public. If the divorced couple can agree divorce fixed the problem therefore no need to make a private situation public and maybe that will ease everyone


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## Bibi1031

I have maintained a very comfortable relationship with my X by following what most states suggest when two people divorce. Be civil. I can be very civil if we are not in the same room. We started communicating by email, phone messages and texts 15 years ago. It has worked like a charm. He tries to cheat and rings my cell expecting me to answer. I manage to answer his calls when our children and Grand children require us to unite as parents or grand parents, but once the issue is resolved, I let his calls go to voicemail. Then I simply text my response. He tries to cheat and I don't care to understand why, but I don't entertain that nonsense. I answer with a simple response when I pick up the phone. If you need let me know anything, simply text me what you need. That stops the silly calling several times without leaving a message because he wants me to answer. 

I call and leave a message when one of his close family members passes away. I also send flowers. He does the same. I respect his space and his new partner by not showing up to funerals of HIS family members. He does the same. I really like maintaining what we started 15 years ago with our divorce decree. Now that our then teens are adults, they have no problems sharing special holidays with each one of us separately. 

Now even our two grand kids know the procedure. If Grandma comes to the birthday party, then grandpa will come later or another day. Everyone is used to this. No drama, no fuss anymore. That ended about two years after our divorce. Our daughter was the one who wanted us to celebrate her special occasions when it suited her. I didn't budge because I simply couldn't celebrate her 17th birthday with her dad present. It was bigger than me. It took several fits thrown by her, but she came to understand the new normal by the time she went off to college. 

My children love their dad and see him. They love me and see me too. Our grand children adore both of us. They simply do it with both of us separately. It works exceptionally well.


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## Lila

@Bremik, in response to your OP, I have kept a friendly relationship (not to be confused with friendship) with my ex. 

He and I have a great and cooperative shared custody of our son. We communicate as necessary via text and email mostly about our son but we talk about other things when we see each other in person. We sit together at our son's events and are pleasant towards each other. He is welcomed at my home as am I in his and we both know we can count on each other if we ever need to. 

I truly believe that our son is doing well and is happy BECAUSE his father and I are friendly towards each other. Trust me, it isn't easy (my ex left when he fell in love with another woman - he's still dating her) but making our son top priority makes it possible.


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## SpinyNorman

Bibi1031 said:


> I simply couldn't celebrate her 17th birthday with her dad present. *It was bigger than me.*


 You have the right to refuse to be in the same room as someone, and maybe i will do such a thing some day. But if I do, I will own my choice and not say it's about something other than me.



> Our grand children adore both of us. They simply do it with both of us separately. It works exceptionally well.


If it works for you, ok, but I don't see what's exceptional about it.


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## Bremik

Lila yes!!! That's my view. You don't have to be buddies but for the greater good of all just be civil.

I think specifically the couples children will benefit the most. Why does everyone have to suffer I guess.


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## MZMEE

Yes I have. I am cordial with all my ex-husbands. As a matter of fact when my oldest daughter graduated and I had a grad party, I invited them all because they had a part in her life. Everyone got along and I got along.  Now of course that is the extreme.

1) The reason for divorce always affects the aftermath too. I didn't have real horrible divorces so it made the aftermath much easier. 
2) You have to be adults and realize that what WAS is not what IS. You divorce to END something so why keep living in the past story and emotions. If you really move on emotionally you can then move on with the new position that person has in your life.
3) Give enough time to heal. Some people jump too fast into going back to being "friends" before the hurt is gone. 
4) Be honest about your feelings and act accordingly. THis will determine the level of "friends" you can be. You will never go back to acting like you NEVER knew the intimate parts of that person so you have to manage that. YOu can be friendly but may never be a 100% friend.
5) When kids are involved it is most important to be cordial because the kids don't see your husband and wife issues, they will always just see mommy and daddy. Don't mare their experience by bleeding on them with your marriage issues. They will always need mommy and daddy. Apart or together.

Again I'd be careful about sharing everything in your life with ex's unless really necessary. That life is over, leave it there. If you happen to show up at the same even, fine but don't invite exs to things unless it's for a specific reason that is important (like my case with my daughter's graduation). That was the ONE and only time that happend. I just wouldn't want to stir up anything. Yet we all should just be grown adults in the situation called life. Holding on to bitterness will shave years off your life.


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## Bremik

I like it MZMEE!


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## Casual Observer

Bremik said:


> I like it MZMEE!


I would suggest the possibility the MZMEE's experience may not be typical, given the reference to "multiple" dissolved marriages. Practice makes perfect? I think a case can be made that at some point you create enough "baggage" that dealings with an individual ex become less emotionally powerful.


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## SpinyNorman

Casual Observer said:


> I would suggest the possibility the MZMEE's experience may not be typical, given the reference to "multiple" dissolved marriages. Practice makes perfect? I think a case can be made that at some point you create enough "baggage" that dealings with an individual ex become less emotionally powerful.


Yes, if someone has more failed marriages than you, take cheap shots at them. Judging is completely fair. Of course, if someone who's never been divorced wants to sneer at us losers, I guess we deserve it.

EDIT: @Casual Observer has explained this isn't what he meant.


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## Rob_1

I not only maintain a cordial relationship with my ex wife, but more than that she's my best friend, my first daughter with my now wife bears her name. She comes and stays with us, we go and stay with her. To my daughters she's auntie. We are her beneficiaries. If anything were to happens to me she would not let my wife and daughters to suffer any financial hardship that might arise. She's family to me. She's like a blood sister. My wife understood this from the get go o<f our relationship, and most importantly, she trust me, and I wouldn't never disappoint her in that respect because I do not see or feel for my ex wife anything that could be interpreted as a romantic/sexual feeling. Like I said before, she's to me like if she were my sister. There's a reason why she's my ex, and that's that.


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## Diana7

Lila said:


> @Bremik, in response to your OP, I have kept a friendly relationship (not to be confused with friendship) with my ex.
> 
> He and I have a great and cooperative shared custody of our son. We communicate as necessary via text and email mostly about our son but we talk about other things when we see each other in person. We sit together at our son's events and are pleasant towards each other. He is welcomed at my home as am I in his and we both know we can count on each other if we ever need to.
> 
> I truly believe that our son is doing well and is happy BECAUSE his father and I are friendly towards each other. Trust me, it isn't easy (my ex left when he fell in love with another woman - he's still dating her) but making our son top priority makes it possible.


Yes when they are young children involved a cordial polite relationship is needed. Once they are older teenagers or adults having contact just isn't needed.


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## Diana7

Rob_1 said:


> I not only maintain a cordial relationship with my ex wife, but more than that she's my best friend, my first daughter with my now wife bears her name. She comes and stays with us, we go and stay with her. To my daughters she's auntie. We are her beneficiaries. If anything were to happens to me she would not let my wife and daughters to suffer any financial hardship that might arise. She's family to me. She's like a blood sister. My wife understood this from the get go o<f our relationship, and most importantly, she trust me, and I wouldn't never disappoint her in that respect because I do not see or feel for my ex wife anything that could be interpreted as a romantic/sexual feeling. Like I said before, she's to me like if she were my sister. There's a reason why she's my ex, and that's that.


So your ex is your best friend, what does that make your wife? My husband is my best friend.


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## Diana7

SpinyNorman said:


> I hope his advice is good for them. Doing the opposite has been good for me, and other people I know. Know thine own self. History has provided a lot of "former experts".
> 
> In the first place, I wasn't desperate to maintain contact. There are lots of people I'd like to maintain contact with, but am not desperate to do so. There are also lots of people I would like to be friend/acquaintance with, but not be married to. My ex was someone who moved into that category.


I have known couples who just haven't moved on and cant seem to stop that contact. For us that part of our lives is past, we have a new life now with a marriage to someone else.


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## Casual Observer

SpinyNorman said:


> Yes, if someone has more failed marriages than you, take cheap shots at them. Judging is completely fair. Of course, if someone who's never been divorced wants to sneer at us losers, I guess we deserve it.


Not at all. There are many scenarios, fortunate, unfortunate or neither, in which experience gained through them makes something easier to deal with. No biggie, no shaming involved whatsoever. I feel sorry for anyone who goes through something painful repeatedly, but who am I to criticize someone who's been through multiple marriages? Maybe they're more honest with themselves and their partners than others and for the second or third or whatever, it's not like their new partner isn't aware of their past. 

This isn't a competition to put one person ahead of another based on... anything. I'm not a better person if I put somebody else down. That doesn't elevate me, it lowers me. I try really hard not to do that. Here on TAM, we do see situations where it's pretty tough not to make a judgment call and believe one party in a relationship is the worse of the two and doing harm to another. But having multiple marriages and divorces? That's not one of them. 

So my humblest apologies for taking what I said as shaming or taking cheap shots. It was just about more experience with something might make each instance less arduous, easier to handle. As I type this, I can imagine it could, for some, be the exact opposite. But for the person replying, that didn't seem to be the case. I offered a possible reason why it might not have been the case, why it might be different from someone with just one ex vs several ex's.


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## Bremik

Part of my reason for asking this was what I believe I have learned before and during the process of divorcing is preparation is often not a top priority. We blow up in divorce and deal with the collateral damage afterwards. If most of your family/friend network wasn't anticipating a divorce this can be quite traumatic.

Post divorce topics are dealing with the grief of losing whoever "sides" with the ex- your family, in-law family, friends, coworkers etc. From my experience when people I know have gotten divorced and at least publicly are amicable I don't have to take a side because they aren't broadcasting why they divorced. In addition, I don't have to worry of offending anyone if I engage with or greet either or both of the divorced couple.

In effect the couple had the support of these connections when they got married and they would more likely have more total support if peace exists than if it doesn't after a divorce. And yes I realize in most cases in-laws will still heavily side with family, that's expected but still much more likely to be less dramatic if there isn't fighting.

More importantly the children could benefit the most. At one time in the marriage most couples would agree that would be important- what's in the children's best interest 

It doesn't need to be a long term deal. You divorce, both people are amicable and everyone relaxes the best they can, then acceptance and eventually you fade away to your new life. Minimize collateral damage


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## Lila

Diana7 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> @Bremik, in response to your OP, I have kept a friendly relationship (not to be confused with friendship) with my ex.
> 
> He and I have a great and cooperative shared custody of our son. We communicate as necessary via text and email mostly about our son but we talk about other things when we see each other in person. We sit together at our son's events and are pleasant towards each other. He is welcomed at my home as am I in his and we both know we can count on each other if we ever need to.
> 
> I truly believe that our son is doing well and is happy BECAUSE his father and I are friendly towards each other. Trust me, it isn't easy (my ex left when he fell in love with another woman - he's still dating her) but making our son top priority makes it possible.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes when they are young children involved a cordial polite relationship is needed. Once they are older teenagers or adults having contact just isn't needed.
Click to expand...

Mine is a teen. I still maintain a very good relationship with his father.


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## Rob_1

@Diana7: Look Diana, let's not get into that narrow minded mindset of tags and definitions. We as people, all say things that means something that it's understood like: Billy (my next door neighbor since childhood) is my best friend. That doesn't mean that he's above my wife's in hierarchy of who's who in my life. My wife's is above all that and anybody, including my children; which are in a whole other category. 

If I had said: Billy's my best friend (a male, rather than a female), would it had made you bat an eye about it?


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## Hiner112

My ex and I have been civil or even friendly since the separation. When her grandfather died 6 months later, I drove her around and was her designated driver after she had a drink. When my mom died 6 months after that, she volunteered to drive me around that day so it wasn't something I needed to deal with. I am a bit uncomfortable with her doing things for me because the last couple years we were married (IE after she had decided to leave but wasn't ready to tell me and wasn't done preparing for it) any time I asked her for something I could tell that it was done with resentment. Having her do things now without a negative attitude is kind of a reminder of how bad things really were. She was also good at making things unfun. I have done fun things with her since and like the services, it ends up just being a reminder of why we're apart. When the kids have their own mobility, I doubt that I'll see her face to face more than the few big kid events a year (musical, dance recitals, etc).

We haven't finalized the divorce yet so this might change but I don't think either of us harbors true animosity towards each other anymore. I will not in any way pursue a real friendship with her though. There will come a time that I don't communicate with or think about her at all for months or years which is kind of sad for someone I spent 20 years with.


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## Casual Observer

Hiner112 said:


> My ex and I have been civil or even friendly since the separation. When her grandfather died 6 months later, I drove her around and was her designated driver after she had a drink. When my mom died 6 months after that, she volunteered to drive me around that day so it wasn't something I needed to deal with. * I am a bit uncomfortable with her doing things for me because the last couple years we were married (IE after she had decided to leave but wasn't ready to tell me and wasn't done preparing for it) any time I asked her for something I could tell that it was done with resentment. *Having her do things now without a negative attitude is kind of a reminder of how bad things really were. She was also good at making things unfun. I have done fun things with her since and like the services, it ends up just being a reminder of why we're apart. When the kids have their own mobility, I doubt that I'll see her face to face more than the few big kid events a year (musical, dance recitals, etc).
> 
> We haven't finalized the divorce yet so this might change but I don't think either of us harbors true animosity towards each other anymore. I will not in any way pursue a real friendship with her though. There will come a time that I don't communicate with or think about her at all for months or years which is kind of sad for someone I spent 20 years with.


"Resentment" was obvious then, but if you're not picking it up now, why do you think it's there? You might be one of those unusual couples that has a better relationship not married than when.


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## Hiner112

Casual Observer said:


> "Resentment" was obvious then, but if you're not picking it up now, why do you think it's there? You might be one of those unusual couples that has a better relationship not married than when.


I think one of the main sources of resentment during the marriage was that she expected ESP while as ex spouses she just evaluates what is *actually* happening without all the unmet expectations. There's probably some guilt helping for now since she's not leaving for faults of mine but just a change in what she wants or finally figuring out what she wants. In a way I don't think she feels like I "deserve" the divorce. That won't last forever. I don't know if she's still carrying the resentment but it is going to stop being my problem if it hasn't already. 

There has been an interesting progression.

A month after she moved out I was stuttering my way through a tough talk about divorce logistics and she said, "That's why going to counseling or talking about reconciliation is stupid because at the end of all that talking you would still be you."

Months later when her grandfather passed away, I was there for her freakout about death. The hug she asked for turned into her asking for other things and I gave them. She asked about the possibility of a FWB situation shortly after that and I told her that I didn't think that was how I worked and I couldn't be that for her in any case. 

Nearly a year into the separation (mandatory waiting period since we have minor children), she asked me if I thought we might get back together sometime in the future. I told her that years of her thinking about leaving without a serious conversation with me didn't make me want to. Losing the security in our relationship where I believed that we would always try to work through our problems made me reluctant to trust in her and any relationship with her. 

As for a friendship, I might get over our relationship enough that it could happen. A year of decent behavior from her hasn't been long enough. It will still be a while until the thought in the back of my mind, "why didn't you do this when we were married?" doesn't pop up when she's being nice and supportive. 

I think it's entirely possible that if I pursued it, I could (or could have) restart(ed) a relationship with her. I would have to believe that it would be an improvement over being single. I would have to believe that she was committed to the relationship and trying again and not just stringing me along until something better came along or she was more prepared. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman

Casual Observer said:


> Not at all. There are many scenarios, fortunate, unfortunate or neither, in which experience gained through them makes something easier to deal with. No biggie, no shaming involved whatsoever. I feel sorry for anyone who goes through something painful repeatedly, but who am I to criticize someone who's been through multiple marriages? Maybe they're more honest with themselves and their partners than others and for the second or third or whatever, it's not like their new partner isn't aware of their past.
> 
> This isn't a competition to put one person ahead of another based on... anything. I'm not a better person if I put somebody else down. That doesn't elevate me, it lowers me. I try really hard not to do that. Here on TAM, we do see situations where it's pretty tough not to make a judgment call and believe one party in a relationship is the worse of the two and doing harm to another. But having multiple marriages and divorces? That's not one of them.
> 
> So my humblest apologies for taking what I said as shaming or taking cheap shots. It was just about more experience with something might make each instance less arduous, easier to handle. As I type this, I can imagine it could, for some, be the exact opposite. But for the person replying, that didn't seem to be the case. I offered a possible reason why it might not have been the case, why it might be different from someone with just one ex vs several ex's.


I'm glad to hear you weren't trying to be mean to her b/c of more failed marriages and am sorry I arrived at the wrong interpretation. 

I guess someone could be more comfortable w/ an ex after more failed marriages, idk. My ex and I each have the one failed marriage and are comfortable around each other. I don't mean to imply there's something wrong w/ people who go the avoidance route, but I hope people realize they have a choice.


----------



## SpinyNorman

Bremik said:


> Part of my reason for asking this was what I believe I have learned before and during the process of divorcing is preparation is often not a top priority. We blow up in divorce and deal with the collateral damage afterwards. If most of your family/friend network wasn't anticipating a divorce this can be quite traumatic.
> 
> Post divorce topics are dealing with the grief of losing whoever "sides" with the ex- your family, in-law family, friends, coworkers etc.


Unless I have reason to believe one party did something that makes them a person I don't want to associate with, I don't pick sides. 


> From my experience when people I know have gotten divorced and at least publicly are amicable I don't have to take a side because they aren't broadcasting why they divorced. In addition, I don't have to worry of offending anyone if I engage with or greet either or both of the divorced couple.


I don't worry about this. No one assigns me enemies.


> In effect the couple had the support of these connections when they got married and they would more likely have more total support if peace exists than if it doesn't after a divorce. And yes I realize in most cases in-laws will still heavily side with family, that's expected but still much more likely to be less dramatic if there isn't fighting.


I'm more likely to see my relatives than their exes, but I don't count that as support. I'm also more likely to do favors for them, but that isn't b/c I've picked a side, it's a situation that predates the marriage.


----------



## SpinyNorman

Diana7 said:


> I have known couples who just haven't moved on and cant seem to stop that contact. For us that part of our lives is past, we have a new life now with a marriage to someone else.


There are people who don't maintain contact and haven't moved on. Divorce can be awful. 

I too have a marriage to someone else, and it is very good.


----------



## Bibi1031

SpinyNorman said:


> You have the right to refuse to be in the same room as someone, and maybe i will do such a thing some day. But if I do, I will own my choice and not say it's about something other than me.
> 
> * apparently you took my response incorrectly. No sweat off my back. Everyone's filters are different.*
> 
> 
> If it works for you, ok, but I don't see what's exceptional about it.


*I said the living our lives completely separate works really well. He didn't lose his kids or grand kids and neither did I. That is ultimately the norm after divorce. The sooner you detach and let go, the sooner healing starts. Some folks detach quicker than others; and some cling on til the bitter end. To each their own. 

If there was infidelity, like in my case; why cling on to a spouse that showed such terrible disrespect? End it fast and swift like you would a cancer no? *


----------



## SpinyNorman

Bibi1031 said:


> apparently you took my response incorrectly. No sweat off my back. Everyone's filters are different.
> 
> 
> 
> Care to clarify how I took it incorrectly? I took it as, your decision didn't originate w/ you.
> 
> 
> 
> I said the living our lives completely separate works really well. He didn't lose his kids or grand kids and neither did I. That is ultimately the norm after divorce.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> But if it's the norm, it isn't exceptional.
> 
> 
> 
> The sooner you detach and let go, the sooner healing starts.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I did the opposite and healed better than anyone I know, so this obviously isn't always true.
> 
> 
> 
> Some folks detach quicker than others; and some cling on til the bitter end. To each their own.
> 
> If there was infidelity, like in my case; why cling on to a spouse that showed such terrible disrespect? End it fast and swift like you would a cancer no?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Nowhere did I say everyone should stay in contact w/ their ex, and said do what works for you.
> 
> But TS asked about people who did maintain contact, and there are responses saying basically, Thou Shalt Not. I think TAM has unreasonable faith in the Self Help book industry, and great discomfort w/ the idea that anyone is different from them.
Click to expand...


----------



## Bibi1031

SpinyNorman said:


> Bibi1031 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Care to clarify how I took it incorrectly? I took it as, your decision didn't originate w/ you.
> 
> 
> *it did originate from me. Having direct contact with the X was painful for me and set me back. I loved myself more by detaching than making things easier for anyone else at the expense of my healing. With time, we all kept our relationships without sacrificing any of the members involved. The relationships healed and even the second generation ( the grand kids) won the love and strong bond that divorce couldn't sever.*
> 
> 
> But if it's the norm, it isn't exceptional.
> 
> 
> 
> I did the opposite and healed better than anyone I know, so this obviously isn't always true.
> 
> *Your case as well as a few others is the exception to the rule\norm. The norm is to detach and be civil. That is why most states don't require being friends with your X. You simply share custody and be civil with the X in order to coparent and both parents form a healthy, loving relationship with their children.
> 
> Most of us have different degrees of what we define as civility. I have been civil. I didn't bad mouth my kids' dad.
> Any damage to his relationship with his teen kids, he did it on his own. Rebuilding it was also between him and his kids. *
> 
> Nowhere did I say everyone should stay in contact w/ their ex, and said do what works for you.
> 
> *I know. I stated what worked for me and why as well.*
> 
> But TS asked about people who did maintain contact, and there are responses saying basically, Thou Shalt Not. I think TAM has unreasonable faith in the Self Help book industry, and great discomfort w/ the idea that anyone is different from them.
> 
> *I answered that I did maintain contact that worked exceptionally well for all the members of the family my X and I built. It is exceptional because the love and bond between us and our kids and grand kids is full of love and respect. Don't you agree that rebuilding a strong relationship with both parents and grandparents, albeit separately is not a good example of success/exceptional? I still maintain contact with their dad, and both our kids are in their early thirties. The texts, calls, and emails are civil and business like. Emotions are taken out of the equation: That is the definition of detachment in my case *
> 
> .
Click to expand...


----------



## AandM

Y Knot?:


----------



## SpinyNorman

Bibi1031 said:


> SpinyNorman said:
> 
> 
> 
> it did originate from me.
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, thanks for explaining. When you said "it was bigger than me" I thought you were saying the opposite.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Your case as well as a few others is the exception to the rule\norm.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Maybe, I don't have any statistics. Of course, if people don't try to maintain a relationship, they won't.
> 
> I really don't care what is the norm or an exception, I care what is better. Human beings aren't a very uniform lot, so what is better for me may not be for others. Hopefully we are all qualified to decide what is best for ourselves, which I think is what TS is trying to do so I want to share my experience.
> 
> 
> 
> The norm is to detach and be civil. That is why most states don't require being friends with your X.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> The reason the state doesn't require you to be friends is b/c they can't require you to be friends w/ anyone. They can't even require you to be civil to your ex. Plenty of people are incivil to their ex and stay out of jail.
> 
> 
> 
> I answered that I did maintain contact that worked exceptionally well for all the members of the family my X and I built. It is exceptional because the love and bond between us and our kids and grand kids is full of love and respect. Don't you agree that rebuilding a strong relationship with both parents and grandparents, albeit separately is not a good example of success/exceptional?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I don't think it is exceptional or even unusual for divorcees to have positive relationships w/ their descendants.
Click to expand...


----------



## Rowan

My ex-husband and I were both from old and prominent families and were both active in numerous social, business, and civic organizations in our very small town. Which meant that if we had determined to cut all contact, shun the other's relatives and friends, and then make our families & friends choose sides, half the town would have needed to rearrange their entire lives to avoid "the enemy". 

So we didn't do that. We maintained, and continue to maintain, a very cordial relationship. We are polite, even friendly, to one another. We've sat together at school events, attended funerals and weddings in the other's family, have handled the details of our son's growing-up years together, have even shared meals and chatted during social events and at civic functions. 

But we are not friends.

My ex-husband is an asshat. He always has been. But I don't have to play that game with him anymore. I am very good at being a grey rock. That is, I don't give him any fodder for his asshattery and don't react to him when he starts. As long as he can be respectful, I'm willing to be cordial. When he stops being respectful, I have zero problem just politely excusing myself and walking away. I also do not speak ill of him. I'm sure he does of me, but again, I give that zero attention or reaction. And I don't respond or react - in any way - to anything that isn't directly related to our son (or some other similarly legitimate urgent matter) via phone, text or email. He gets absolutely none of my headspace, emotions, or reactions. I basically treat him with the same level of engagement as I would a random stranger that I needed to interact with but didn't care to know any better. 

I'm not sure how to tell you to get there, OP. It just sort of happened for me, like the flip of a switch, in the instant after I found out he'd been a serial cheater for the entirety of our 21 years together. Just "click" and I was suddenly, completely and utterly, done. Not angry, not hurt, not upset, just..._done_ with a rather impressive degree of finality. That feeling has lasted 6+ years and counting now. I suppose he finally just reached my tolerance threshold and I completely ran out of emotions for him.


----------



## notmyjamie

My parents maintained a cordial, if not friendly relationship until my Dad died some 24 years after their divorce. My mother maintained a great relationship with all my Dad's siblings, nieces and nephews, etc. In fact, many of them liked her much better than they liked him. My Dad remarried about 6 years after their divorce and my mother was friendly with his wife and very good to his daughters. At one point my Dad and his wife were separated and he had the girls for Thanksgiving with no place to go. My mother heard about it and invited them to our Thanksgiving. I realize this is unusual. My Mom loved my Dad until the day she died. She saw him the morning of her death "he's telling me it's okay to come to him" and she rejoiced at the prospect of seeing him in heaven with all his worldly demons vanguished. Their friendly relationship made my life as their child much easier than what I saw my friends going through. 

I'd like to envision that my STBXH and I could have a friendly relationship after our divorce. I've worked hard to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of my children. I was very angry when I first left him but I've worked through most of that. I'd like for our kids to be able to have us both at their weddings, parties, etc and not have to worry about how we'll behave. I do want him to be happy and I feel like the happier he is the better we'll be able to do this. If I have to feel guilty that I left him when I see him I won't want to see him at all. 

Tonight we will be celebrating our daughter's birthday together. She's requested we all go out to dinner. He recently gave me a very heartfelt apology for what he's done to me and I know he feels horrible about it. I also know it wasn't done on purpose so I can forgive. This makes a dinner like she's requested much easier. Time will tell how it goes I guess.


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## Bremik

Congratulations to you notmyjamie! That's very neat you have been able to develop and maintain that attitude.

I am sure it's not easy but it does look at the bigger picture


----------



## VibrantWings

It got easier for me to turn my past relationship with my exhusband into a friendship again a few yrs after we split....when some of the past hurt had dwindled. 
We never stopped loving each other- just couldn't be married any longer.
I've known other people who have also maintained friendships with their exes. Doesn't seem strange to me at all if it's truly what both parties want.


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## Bremik

Have you remarried vibrantwings? Do you live close to your ex?


----------



## VibrantWings

Bremik said:


> Have you remarried vibrantwings? Do you live close to your ex?


I have never remarried after splitting with him back in 2006. We didn't officially divorce until 2010. We lived about ten minutes away from each other until his death. He saw our children every week and had a key to my house. He would house sit for us when we went on vacation.
I have had two other LTR since then...one lasting 9 yrs ( Many of those years we lived together). That relationship ended for good back in June. 
My ex husand died in my home, among family (our 3 children and myself) back in Feb 2018. I'm glad he didn't die alone and still miss him. 
We have children so, in lieu of him having no other actual living relatives that he associated with, I had to step up and arranged his memorial service and paid for his cremation. My oldest daughter has the urn that holds his ashes now.
He was part of my life for almost 30 years and I have photos of him hanging in my home for my children.


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## Bremik

It would sure seem you are the exception to normal but very cool how you handled it


----------



## ClairesDad

I have maintained a decent relationship with my first wife. More for the kids than anything. But we don't fight and we work together to accommodate each other's schedules. I've forgiven her and moved on. Sometimes there's still some sadness when certain dates come up, but I think that is to be expected. I attended my ex-FIL's funeral. She attended my Father's funeral. We've known each other for over 30 years and live in the same city, only a mile apart. My ex is friendly towards my current wife.
I guess this is as good of a situation as former spouses can be in. On that note, I really have no contact with my second wife. She did let me know that her Mother passed away.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

I'm cordial with my XW but have almost zero contact with her except when it relates to an email/text related to our kid. If she talks about anything other than the kid, I usually just ignore her. I have no interest in small talk or being friends with her. She is non existent to me except as my child's biological mother. I'm not angry, not bitter, really just disinterested all around. We divorced, I see no reason to have that woman in my life any more than I need to for the sake of my kid. 

Now, my new wife hates her with something fierce and it's nothing to do with any perceived animosity between them. Seems more to do with jealousy for being my first. But she is working with her therapist on this. I hope she gets to the place I am for her own sake.


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## Bremik

Looks to me like others have done it. Doesn't have to be a friend situation as much as respectful tolerance. 

Plus it looks as though some didn't divorce because they didn't love the ex but because the marriage wasn't healthy for those involved. That's pretty strong courage and amazingly healthy attitude of how you dealt with it.


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## AVR1962

I was married to my second husband for 24 years. He and I both had been married previously and both of our exes told our (children from our first marriages) lies to harm the relationship we had with our children. One of the things my second husband and I agreed to do was not include our children on anything between us or talk down about the other to the children. I have kept my word and near as I can tell he too has done the same. We have been divorced 3 1/2 years and have not had to attend any join family functions. he and I have only spoke twice and it was fine. 

I dated a man briefly who had been married 32 years and he divorced his wife. He had been divorced like 8 years when I met him. We have remained distant friends and I hear from him from time to time. This past Christmas and New Years he spent two weeks with his exwife and kids in Germany (his exwife is German). I do find this strange. If the kids actually are not wishing for the parents to be back together, great, but I think this gives the wrong message to the children (even adults which his are). If they can get along for 2 weeks for a holiday then why are they even divorced? He says they are good friends. It is one thing to have a relationship without hardship but to spend this kind of time together just makes me think that neither has fully let go.


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## Openminded

In my case, we were friends before we got married and definitely should have left it that way. We were just too incompatible. However, if not for the cheating, I would have remained married to the end because at the time I believed marriage should be forever. I view marriage differently now.


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## dubsey

My situation was/is unusual at best. My wife and I got divorced and we got along ok. I had trust issues, she broke that trust. There were other small things. I divorced her. There was never any actual cheating or anything, but inappropriateness, and I'll leave it at that. But, we never didn't get along and care for each other.

I never intended to re-marry. My current wife was a family friend of both of ours and we had an odd situation:

My ex-wife is 5 years older than me.
My current wife is 5 years younger than me.
My current mother in law is one of my ex-wife's best friends/mentors from her job. She is 10 years older than my ex-wife.

So, my current wife actually sought out my ex-wife to get permission to put the moves on me about a year post-divorce. She didn't want to disrespect her etc etc. I brushed her off twice before we met up at a party and drinks got the better of both of us, and yeah, a relationship started.

So, we all get along. We had a destination wedding. My ex-wfe came. Her mom also came to help keep an eye on our kid. I get along with her entire family still. We do vacations, we go up to birthday parties at the lake for her aunts/uncles/cousins. Her sister's kids call me uncle, my new wife auntie.

We just made a choice that we were still a family. Honestly, I think her mom made that choice. My family properly sucks, so they more or less just kept me even though I wasn't married in anymore. As opposed to 'in-laws' they just refer to us as outlaws with a few other couples who are friends that are more family than friend, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, it can work, if you both want it to.


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## Amplifi

Mine situation got better once I stopped engaging with her. For the first while, she would do anything to get my attention - if positive, nice stuff didn't work, she'd turn nasty. Eventually, I just started ignoring either one. Every once in a while, when she's in a way, she pokes me. When that's not going on, it's OK< because we just don;t communicate unless it's logistics about the kids.


----------



## Amplifi

Openminded said:


> In my case, we were friends before we got married and definitely should have left it that way. We were just too incompatible. However, if not for the cheating, I would have remained married to the end because at the time I believed marriage should be forever. I view marriage differently now.


Wow. This is my story exactly.


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## Faithful Wife

My exh and I are very close friends, I would say my best friend actually (but that's a tough call as I also have a female bff and I would not be able to pick one ahead of the other). We hang out together usually once a week, we grab a drink together after work at a dive bar that is halfway between us both. Sometimes he will come to my place after and we will watch shows we enjoy together. My ex was a wonderful step dad to my son and they still have a very close relationship also, outside of me. My ex knows he has a standing invitation to my family events but he doesn't usually come. He has run into my entire family lots of times over the years though, like sometimes we would go to my place after our weekly drink and lo and behold my brother, daughter and grandkids are also there. They all love him and consider him family and love getting to see him.

When I'm dating I have to check with potential new boyfriends about how they feel about this. I can totally respect it if a guy doesn't want to date someone who is close with her ex, so that will make us not a match. Ultimately I'd need to date someone who either understands for their own reasons or who is also close to their ex or something.


----------



## DTO

I've managed to build a good relationship with my ex. I've always believed it is in our kid's best interest for us to get along well, so I've always had that goal. Even though she didn't treat me well, I don't hold a grudge against her and in fact will help her out if needed. And, it's easy to be magnanimous when my life has gone much better than hers post-divorce (yeah it might be petty, but it's real).

That being said, our interactions revolve around our kid. We don't socialize unless it's like it's my kids birthday or we're in the area (I'll reach out and take the three of us out to eat). And I'll set her straight on those infrequent occasions she gets out of line, so to speak. Notably, our kid lives with me full-time because my ex made her feel disregarded and not valued. So when my ex criticized my parenting, I invited her to step in and take over like I did.

It's definitely possible to do, but you have to figure out for yourself what the terms will be and enforce boundaries.


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## rider03

My ex and I are civil with each other. She spends time with the daughter that lives with me at my place on her day off from work, but only when I am at work and not home. For 3 years I had to go to my parents house 3 out of 4 weekends to help my mother take care of my dying father and while I was gone she would spend time with my daughter at my place (not overnight). We text when it's about the kids. She still asks for my advice on things like car repairs, although not often.

That said...the other day I got home from work and she was sitting there in my living room with my daughter. That has been happening frequently so yesterday I told her it was weird and uncomfortable for me and I would appreciate her being gone before I get home. I have not been in a relationship since our divorce 4 years ago but I want to nip things like that in the bud in case I ever do get in to one again.

I've told her many times that only her and I got divorced. Not her family and my family. She came to my fathers funeral last August at my mothers request.


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## NextTimeAround

AandM said:


> Y Knot?:


Do you think Kermit should remain friends with Miss Piggie?


----------



## NextTimeAround

My exH and I did not have children nor was either of us a step parent to any children. I saw little footprints here and there that he was keeping tabs on me. And staying in touch with (?) friends. not sure how to call that one. subconsciously, I cut everyone out of my life that even mentioned his name. 

I didn't want to deal with concepts such as "right of first refusal" or to have to deal with someone pretending that they accidentally mentioned a party or something that I'm not invited but he and his wife is.

If you think there's going to be drama remaining friends with the ex or even while remaining friends with those who see themselves as a friend of the ex, cut them loose. I was living in a big city in which it was very easy to get lost in. And that suited me just fine.


----------



## Diana7

rider03 said:


> My ex and I are civil with each other. She spends time with the daughter that lives with me at my place on her day off from work, but only when I am at work and not home. For 3 years I had to go to my parents house 3 out of 4 weekends to help my mother take care of my dying father and while I was gone she would spend time with my daughter at my place (not overnight). We text when it's about the kids. She still asks for my advice on things like car repairs, although not often.
> 
> That said...the other day I got home from work and she was sitting there in my living room with my daughter. That has been happening frequently so yesterday I told her it was weird and uncomfortable for me and I would appreciate her being gone before I get home. I have not been in a relationship since our divorce 4 years ago but I want to nip things like that in the bud in case I ever do get in to one again.
> 
> I've told her many times that only her and I got divorced. Not her family and my family. She came to my fathers funeral last August at my mothers request.


A divorce does mean that their family are no longer related to you. Its up to you if you want to stay in contact with her family or she yours, but you are not related. How old is your daughter?


----------



## DTO

rider03 said:


> That said...the other day I got home from work and she was sitting there in my living room with my daughter. That has been happening frequently so yesterday I told her it was weird and uncomfortable for me and I would appreciate her being gone before I get home. I have not been in a relationship since our divorce 4 years ago but I want to nip things like that in the bud in case I ever do get in to one again.


Is a potential future relationship the main reason you want to end that behavior, or just uncomfortable with the lack of distance. If the latter then go ahead and do as you will. Otherwise, I'd be surprised if your ex was so obtuse as to keep coming around and making a new GF uncomfortable.


----------



## Spicy

> So if you have achieved some aspect of this how did you do it? What was your frame of mind to initiate the divorce or did you initiate it, and what was your mindset when it finalized? Was there initial anger then acceptance or was it just a simple decision that the marriage could no longer work? How long were you married?


Yes! I feel like I have a great relationship with my XH.

How did we do it? I simply wouldn’t have it any other way, and he is a super sweet man. Even though he didn’t want the divorce, and it was very difficult for him when I first remarried, there was zero chance we weren’t remaining friends. We always were exceptional friends and for our kids I felt strongly we needed to remain that way, and he never fought me on my determination for this.

I did initiate our divorce, and it took a few years for him to concede. I had given him my all, and felt I could no longer help him. His mental and emotional issues were/are serious, and I couldn’t continue. I had been unhappy for so long and I was done. My frame of mind when I initiated the divorce would best be described as “definite” or “resigned”. We were both very sad when it was finalized, and we are both still sad to this day that we failed. I wish I could have stayed until our kids were out of the house. That was one of my biggest regrets. They had no idea we had problems, so it shattered their lives and that was why I was trying to hold on to avoid that. I failed. 

It was not a simple or quick decision, but there was no anger involved. My decision had been over a decade in the making. I went through all the grieving over my marriage, but he didn’t notice. It took several years. He couldn’t see it past his own issues. I wished he could have, but knew better than to hope he would. We were each other’s first loves and were married young, and for over 20 years. 

I am happily remarried and very in love. My XH and H are friends. My H is a kind man, and he understands our situation and is very supportive of all of it. We have dinners together and see each other a few times a week, and text almost daily to say Hi and ask how the other is. Our kids are VERY thankful for the relationship being so good. They don’t have to censor themselves in talking about us to each other. 

Other people have a very hard time understanding how we are able to maintain our friendship. I was just reading an old thread of mine that I got so much negative response on because of me still having emotions toward him (that weren’t negative). I get it, most ppl hate their ex’s. That simply is not the case with us. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my current hubby or that I would EVER get back together with my XH. I think it means we are still friends and we still care deeply about each other’s well being. I do hope when he is finally ready, he will find love again.


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## rider03

Diana7 said:


> A divorce does mean that their family are no longer related to you. Its up to you if you want to stay in contact with her family or she yours, but you are not related. How old is your daughter?


Yes technically they are no longer related to them. But that doesn't wipe away 25 years of being related to them.


----------



## rider03

DTO said:


> Is a potential future relationship the main reason you want to end that behavior, or just uncomfortable with the lack of distance. If the latter then go ahead and do as you will. Otherwise, I'd be surprised if your ex was so obtuse as to keep coming around and making a new GF uncomfortable.


It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like we're still married. And just being in her presence reminds me of the details of how our family is now split up.

And considering the fact that I haven't had a gf in four years now...it appears there's no danger of that happening anytime soon. :laugh:


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## .292705

My first ex and I are really good friends. Our daughter is 28 and she jokes about it. We had a strong friendship prior to marriage.

Now my 2nd ... well let's just say its better that we don't speak. Loving each other was never the issue; however, our other challenges were insurmountable. I'm ok with leaving that one alone...indefinitely.

I wish it could have been amicable but that wasn't an option.


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## mapman965

Goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway): every situation is different.

For me, it was the treatment I received from my EW after I found out about her affairs that was the nail in the coffin for any type of post-divorce friendship. She is an individual who lacks empathy, at least for me, which really shocked me after 20 years of marriage. After I found out, she said she wanted us to stay together but she also wanted to continue her affair with the OM. She was the master of trickle truth and fact omission, only admitting to things when it was clear she could not escape the truth. One of her admissions was that she had started up with him 5 years into our marriage; so for most of our marriage there was a third party that I knew NOTHING about.

I know the purpose of this thread isn't to recount horrible breakup tales, but I feel it's important to tell my story because it kind of boils down to this for me:

*Knowing all you know about that person, would you befriend them now if you just met them?*

I can tell you that I wouldn't befriend someone like my EW. Cordial, civil, and cooperative for the benefit of our two teenagers, but otherwise I want nothing to do with her.


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## WandaJ

Bremik said:


> I know of people who have divorced often times as a surprise to others and maintained a relationship that wasn't nasty at least in outward appearance.
> 
> These couples show up at funerals for significant relatives because they had been in the family so long. Or they show up at a sobriety event for the alcoholic spouse that initially was the cause of the divorce.
> 
> It seems if the divorcing couple can be amicable it makes it much easier to accept for children, family and friends.
> 
> So if you have achieved some aspect of this how did you do it? What was your frame of mind to initiate the divorce or did you initiate it, and what was your mindset when it finalized? Was there initial anger then acceptance or was it just a simple decision that the marriage could no longer work? How long were you married?


It is not that rare. Hey, I know the whole family of my neighbor ex: his new wife, new kids, his mother. They can do Halloween together, they still do b-day parties together for their child. 
That's also a plan of me and my STBX husband - to be able to stay in touch without killing each other. We both know that our families live far away, and at times we may have to rely on each other for some kind of support.


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## Tempocontour

Bremik, you never said what happened with your marriage? Are you still married? Is Jay still around? I thought you were going to divorce your wife.


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## BURNT KEP

I was married when I was young it didn’t last very long and we didn’t have kids. I still talk to her every so often. We just got married too young.


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