# My dreams are killing me



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wasn't sure which sub-forum best fit this, so it goes here. 

Anyway, for those that don't know, I play semi-pro American football. Tackling, pads, helmets, everything. It's super fun, hilariously ghetto and disorganized, and amazing extremes in talent (crazy people like me that couldn't make varisty in high school going against practice squad NFL guys)

I was concussed on Saturday. Twice apparently. 
The first one wasn't super serious (according to teammates) because I got up and ran back out onto the field for the next drive because the team needed me. Then a penalty or two later, and I'm on the ground snoring like a chainsaw before I'm lifted and dragged to the sidelines. Had to beg them to not call an ambulance because I didn't want work to find out about this. 

All that aside, this hit me today. 
I remember another game I played a few years ago, one of the players was hit hard and maybe injured. And he said something like "Man, I can't do this. I got kids to think about." 
And I've always felt that I don't want kids. 
But, I'm 28, maybe that will change when I hit 30, or 35, or whenever. 
And today I started to think. This dream killing me. 

But I keep playing. Mostly because I want a championship ring. But I do think, and maybe worry. Maybe this dream just isn't for me. I don't want to stop playing, I know guys in their 40's that have been playing. 

I got a game this Saturday. Away, so I'll probably have to travel and play the same position that got me the concussion as Saturday. 

So guess I'm looking to hear from other guys (or ladies? I try not to discriminate in life) 
Did you have stupid or crazy dreams when you were younger? And did you have to give them up? Be it health, or family? And do you regret not achieving those goals? 
How does come to terms with letting their dreams in life slip away?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This probably isn't what you want to hear but you really shouldn't be playing on Saturday. That is only 7 days from your last concussion, which is barely in the window for healing time. Your health needs to come first. You should be cleared by a doctor before you play again, and there are steps you need to ease into before getting back into football.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

bobert said:


> This probably isn't what you want to hear but you really shouldn't be playing on Saturday. That is only 7 days from your last concussion, which is barely in the window for healing time. Your health needs to come first. You should be cleared by a doctor before you play again, and there are steps you need to ease into before getting back into football.


I won't argue that I probably shouldn't be playing Saturday.

I almost certainly shouldn't. But if the team needs it, I will. And it;'s a playoff game, literally, do or die. 

And that's why its hitting me like this And maybe other guys have felt this, where they felt a need to sacrifice for the greater good? 
I know this is the last year for several of my teammates.. So I have to play. I've prepared things to hopefully refresh my memory when it's smashed into paste. 


It's more a matter of, I guess, I have no idea what I'm staring into. 
Could be I'm ok for the next....60 years, until I'm 98 then I lose my mind. 
Might be only 20 years. 
Or 10. 

I don't know if I want kids. But I know if I ever have them, I'm weighing them against whatever decisions I make today. 
And I'm curious about that. Letting go of 1 dream to achieve another. 

How does it all stack?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Is the company going to be there for you in 10 years to help you with your CTE? Will your teammates?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Man! As a former starting college tailback, I can absolutely understand! It took me a LONG time to understand I was sort of "living the dream" in those days but didn't know it. I 'was' the guy that was the starting varsity tailback, but we honestly didn't give enough thought to all those guys that signed up for the game for YEARS, yet would never play a down until we were 20 point ahead.... To be right honest, they worked HARDER than I ever did and I regret that! 

Listen, no one can make a decision for you but here is my deal...I was for some reason blessed with a lot of different skills, from athletics to intelligence. Even though I was good with athletics, my upbringing and brain reminded me that I needed a good education, not be broken. I played against (I know you have now) guys that were less than bright, so they play like their life depends on it, and it probably does!! Many of them in the NFL!! This made me realize I would rather function at 60. 

One of my goals was to be a military fighter pilot. One many probably have too, but I seriously thought I had that shot with my fitness, reflexes, and 20/15 vision. But I figured I would stay home because I would "find the love of my life, have a happy family and kids, and life would be super. Move that down the road many years and I now nearly hate women, no longer want a relationship, and almost never see my kids. 

What would "I" do different? I would have did ME and screw the rest. If you love playing ball, do it man!!! It is something you will get to hang onto through life that you made it! Get that ring! 

However, on a serious note, I will tell you in all my football years, I was NEVER knocked out! Trust me, a guy can only do that so many times before more serious problems occur. What struck me is you maybe did not play much in high school? I don't know what position you play but "learning to hit" is really key to surviving! At first we were taught to "take the hit", but I quickly evolved because that hurts! You bet I took a LOT of hits as a tailback, but you have to learn to glance blows off your helmet. When I see a true head to head pop, I know those two just got shorter! I knew guys that would lead with their head with violence. You have to figure them out to avoid the full hit. 

Maybe you go back with "if I get knocked out again, I need to hang it up"?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I see both sides here. 

@Fozzy, you were my second favorite muppet! (don't take it personal, I always identified most with Animal) 
I don't plan on keeping my current job for 10 years. Shoot me if that's the case. I always wanted to work Big 4, and now that I have, and done 1 busy season, I am content with knowing that I could. Facing a second busy season during quarantine is...daunting. And once this Covid thing is over, or my next anniversary, whichever comes later, I am jumping ship! 
Oh dear God....please tell me Covid doesn't last 10 years. Just shoot me if that's the case. At least a bullet doesn't take a decade. 
But you are very right. My job pays my bills and feeds me. If I had to lose one, it would be football, not my job. 
I doubt my teammates will be there for if I go crazy. We all know each other and are friends, but not super close. And that is hopefully...decades down the line. 

But the problem is, my athleticism and ability to play this game, has an expiration date. I know a couple guys on the team are in their early 40's, but one is the QB so he doesn't take the hits, and the other had a break in his playing career (I was told he 'chose' to stop playing after he had a conversation with his wife). 
I'm 28, so I maybe got another 12 years of playing. And I'm on the line. 

Yeah, I shouldn't play Saturday. But the game is a play-off game. This isn't baseball, it's one and done. This is my chance at a ring. How do I not play? 
But again, I do worry about my brain.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> I'm 28, so I maybe got another 12 years of playing. And I'm on the line.
> 
> Yeah, I shouldn't play Saturday. But the game is a play-off game. This isn't baseball, it's one and done. This is my chance at a ring. How do I not play?
> But again, I do worry about my brain.


I hate to tell you this but your playing in the game on Saturday will not mean the difference between your team winning or losing. If anything you will be a liability to them on the field. Time to act like a grown up and team player and sit this one out on the sidelines. You have a better chance of getting that ring this year if you don’t play. 

Save the deep thoughts about your future and kids for when your brain has a chance to heal.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to take time to get over your concussions. TBI is nothing to fool around with. 

But I remember well my senior year in H.S. football: second to the last game of the season, we were playing another small-town football team in Arizona. They had a running back who was big, fast and being scouted by every university in the Southwest. I was an All State defensive tackle, he was talking smack, and I wanted his ass bad. Well, they were running a shotgun and he ran a read option. I saw it and pulled out to get in front of him. Well, we met head on like a couple of mountain goats, and I don't remember anything after that. I woke up on the sideline with a nose full of ammonia and seeing double. I couldn't walk upright for two days and I couldn't keep food down for a week. Two weeks of vertigo followed. Broke my facemask. I kept that facemask as a souvenir of happier days. 

But... That cured me of football heroism quickly.


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