# Trigger



## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

Curious if anyone else has gone through something similar. You can read my full story on my profile. Basically, 10 months ago my wife of 12 years got really drunk and made out with a random person in the laundry room with me in the next room. We did MC and for the most part things are even better than before. However, her drinking heavily and going out and drinking is still a huge trigger for me. When I bring it up, she thinks Im being controlling and states that she will never do something like that again because she is now aware that something like that can happen. She also stated she would never drink that heavily again.

Last night, she went out for a bachelorette party. There was drinking of course and who knows what else. Since this was such a strong trigger. I decided to take the kids up to the mountains so I wouldn't be here waiting up. The past week has been brutal for me. I thought once the night past, I would be better but it's actually worst just wondering. I have brought this up with MC and she always hedging saying that she understands how it is hard for me and also hard for my wife.

I basically believe she lost these kind of nights once she kissed another man. I don't know where to go from here. I can't keep living with anxiety like this. Anyone have advise?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

As a "drinking" man who knows what alcohol can do, I have an advice for you, yes. 

She leaves the booze or you leave her.

No algorithms, no elaborate tracks, no hard explanations on that one. End of story.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Every time my wife calls me controlling I say "Yes I am ... and that hasn't changed from the day you met me". Take the same attitude. Don't let her "you're controlling" crap rule you. If you have become controlling, it's because she made you behave that way ... because she got drunk and decided to behave like a floozy. 

As far as the bachelorette party goes, I wouldn't have let her go in the first place because she has proven she can't be trusted. I would have just not come home that day to watch the kids, which would have forced her to stay home. And if she went anyway, I would have tailed her to make sure no bullsh1t was going on. But Hey, that's just may way of dealing with these things.

I wouldn't worry about triggers, I'd take control of the situation. If she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

mack25 said:


> Curious if anyone else has gone through something similar. You can read my full story on my profile. Basically, 10 months ago my wife of 12 years got really drunk and made out with a random person in the laundry room with me in the next room. We did MC and for the most part things are even better than before. However, her drinking heavily and going out and drinking is still a huge trigger for me. When I bring it up, she thinks Im being controlling and states that she will never do something like that again because she is now aware that something like that can happen. She also stated she would never drink that heavily again.
> 
> Last night, she went out for a bachelorette party. There was drinking of course and who knows what else. Since this was such a strong trigger. I decided to take the kids up to the mountains so I wouldn't be here waiting up. The past week has been brutal for me. I thought once the night past, I would be better but it's actually worst just wondering. I have brought this up with MC and she always hedging saying that she understands how it is hard for me and also hard for my wife.
> 
> I basically believe she lost these kind of nights once she kissed another man. I don't know where to go from here. I can't keep living with anxiety like this. Anyone have advise?


Making out with someone else while you are married? Thats cheating.... you cant just move forward without any rules. 

I could not find your story so I'll just say that after something like that you will trigger for a while NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. You need to go forward with a plan if you want R. 

You need a plan with rules that you both agree to. If she breaks the rules, you have your answer.

Sounds like she blamed the whole incident on drinking. Drinking doesn't make someone cheat. And even if her line of thinking were true, she is still persisting in this behavior!

Put your foot down now. Have a plan.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs to cut down on the booze. And no more GNOs.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I typically don't like the knuckledragger attitude of "control your woman" that is prevalent on this site but in this case you really do need to step up. She has basically flipped you the bird here, so you'd better hand out some consequences now. Let her know that she's made her choices clear so you'll start making plans to live as a divorced man, which you might be willing to reconsider if these GNO's and drinking binges stop. It's not going to get better until you play some hardball.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

So this is the one and only time she has ever done anything like this in 12 years and you just happened to catch her. 

She’s very unlucky. 

So, she has been drunk before when you were not in the next room and was able to control herself? But this time, she was so drunk she couldn’t control herself even with you in the next room? 

So she couldn’t control herself with a random dressed guy, but she can at a bachelorette party watching other women making out with nude hunks? 

I’m just trying to understand the facts. In 12 years I think she has been to this "party" before.

After what she was caught doing, I can’t think of anything worse than going to a bachelorette party.

I would D her for just asking to go to the party.

You need to man up and do a 180.

DNA your kids and test her panties for semen after her next party. Kits are available for both.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

What did she say happened at the party? Considering her actions at the other party you went to, why didn't you make a fuss about her going? Seems to me she's lost the right to go to these things when you think about the disgusting behavior she exhibited with the other guy. And speaking of that, did you have a talk with the guy who was making out with YOUR WIFE?!! Did the dirtbag claim he didn't know she was married? Lotta questions here. This just doesn't sound good at all. Didn't she realize that by going to that blowout party, she was sort of rubbing your nose in it? That didn't bother her? :scratchhead: I swear these girls nights have ruined more marriages than I would have thought possible. IMO if my wife strayed at one of these things, she wouldn't be going to any more of them......EVER! And if she *dared* complain about my being controlling, I'd make it very clear that she had destroyed my faith and trust in her and if she insisted on going, the marriage, for all intents and purposes would be over.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

mack25 said:


> Curious if anyone else has gone through something similar. You can read my full story on my profile. Basically, 10 months ago my wife of 12 years got really drunk and made out with a random person in the laundry room with me in the next room. We did MC and for the most part things are even better than before. However, her drinking heavily and going out and drinking is still a huge trigger for me. *When I bring it up, she thinks Im being controlling and states that she will never do something like that again because she is now aware that something like that can happen. She also stated she would never drink that heavily again.*
> 
> Last night, she went out for a bachelorette party. There was drinking of course and who knows what else. Since this was such a strong trigger. I decided to take the kids up to the mountains so I wouldn't be here waiting up. The past week has been brutal for me. I thought once the night past, I would be better but it's actually worst just wondering. I have brought this up with MC and she always hedging saying that she understands how it is hard for me and also hard for my wife.
> 
> I basically believe she lost these kind of nights once she kissed another man. I don't know where to go from here. I can't keep living with anxiety like this. Anyone have advise?


Lots of statements, not much to back them up apparently. Yes, you are being controlling--you are trying to control the level of misery your W's behavior is making you live with. She said she wouldn't drink so much yet is still "drinking heavily." All of this adds up to a very likely repeat of the laundry room (or worse) without some kind of behavior mod on her part. And I gotta say, your MC sounds like a dope.

Your W needs a wake-up call, if not in MC then from you. A strongly stated set of boundaries which, if crossed, will lead to consequences (separation, divorce, AA, whatever).


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I typically don't like the knuckledragger attitude of "control your woman" that is prevalent on this site but in this case you really do need to step up. She has basically flipped you the bird here, so you'd better hand out some consequences now. Let her know that she's made her choices clear so you'll start making plans to live as a divorced man, which you might be willing to reconsider if these GNO's and drinking binges stop. It's not going to get better until you play some hardball.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree:

I'm a female quite capable of controlling myself. 

If she uses booze as an excuse to drop her morals with her thong, she needs to stop drinking and decide what made her suck face with another guy while you were in the same house...for starters.

You are triggering because you never took her bullets and gun away.

Sorry, triggers suck. If you aren't aware what they are, make them clear every time you find a new one. She should be doing backflips to avoid all of them.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I typically don't like the knuckledragger attitude of "control your woman" that is prevalent on this site but in this case you really do need to step up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll tell you, there is a lot to be said for dragging knuckles. It gives me a reasonable level of confidence that my wife isn't banging someone else. (not that I've ever had to go over board on with the knuckle dragging, except for one time)


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You need to get yourself tested for STDs.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I can't understand how you let her go to that party. It's not bad enough that she can't control her intake of booze but you haven't made any attempt to stop it. 

What you did was give no reason to feel remorse and by letting her go to that party, she has an idea that if she decides to get hammered up and slobber over another guy either a male stripper if there was one at the party or in the laundry room you'll do nothing.

Time to start thinking man. If it was me, the drinking would stop. She can't handle booze and if she says that your controlling, let her know that if she can't act like a wife and mother, then she can take herself someplace else and drink herself into oblivion. Her choice.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Sorry, I really do not understand what has happened here.

She got drunk, made out with another guy whilst you were in the next room and you continue to let her out on GNOs and took the kids to the mountains whilst she was gone so you didn't have to deal with the situation of her being intoxicated when she came home as that would be an even bigger trigger no doubt.

Ok, let me spell this out, first go get tested for STDs then you need to schedule a polygraph test for her, she needs to know on the morning of said test and get her parking lot confession then still go through with it, she passes good good, she fails and you bails.

She passes then you have to set your boundaries up, there has to be no negotiation on them as "she" wronged you!!!

No more GNOs.

Moderated drinking.

Get a new MC and make her go to IC too.

This one stinks like OMs spunk in her pants, not sure if you are fully prepared for the worst bits to come but there is more, a lot more.

You seem to be fairly new to this so have no idea of what you are doing, rug sweeping and letting her continue as nothing has happened is really bad as it has shown there are no consequences to her actions so far, you letting this continue is empowering her to make the next step and leave you for another man.

But, a question for you, what do you actually want to do? Leave? Stay and continue with R? Or are you still stuck in limbo and don't know what to do?


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## Psych (Aug 26, 2013)

You're going to have anxiety as long as she continues to do what she does. Alcohol is a heck of a drug, but that's no excuse for the kissing. You have a few choices...

1) do nothing and feel awful every time she drinks or goes out.
2) confront and explain your feelings and explain what you will put up with.. Be prepared to follow through on your consequences.
3) Start building a spy strategy. Voice activated recorders, key loggers, phone software, etc. 

I would do 2 and or 3. I could not function without trust and the anxiety is crippling.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

We seem to have lost Mack. Maybe he's re-reading the posts and sitting there asking himself, 
"Yeah, why *DID* I let her go to that party?!! :slap: *DOH*!!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> . When I bring it up, she thinks Im being controlling and states that she will never do something like that again because she is now aware that something like that can happen. She also stated she would never drink that heavily again.


So she intended it the first time ?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

AA and no GNO or the marriage ends.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I got the "controlling" crap. Found out she was telling her family (the ones that were talking to her), friends (that she has not seen in over 30 years), how mean and controlling I was. Sure I was controlling. Like she could meet up with the XOM whenever she wanted and when I asked where she was, she complained to everyone how controlling I was. Like the times she went to her brother's house when they went away, so she could be free to contact the XOM. Or when we went on vacation and she had her burner phone with her and her computer to keep in contact. Yea, I was really a controllling SOB. In truth, I had no clue, and she was free to do whatever whenever.

Controlling is often times a code word for he/she might find out what I am doing. It is an excuse to do whatever the he*l they want to do without you.

This is not a marriage. You are both playing games. You run to the moutains to avoid facing what your gut is telling you. She is acting very immature and like a single person. She is tramping all over you and using the old excuse of control. 

Two can play this game. Start going out, don't tell her where you going and see what her reaction is. If she complains tell her, "You are not the boss of me and you can't control me".

I know in some old post this worked.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

*Update*

I had a long talk with my wife last night about my trigger for a full week leading up to this night. She did go out that night but it was very tame. She was out for about 7 hours with her friends, a lot at one persons house, some time in the limo, and then stops at only 2 bars (one of which was a gay bar). She only had 4 drinks over that time period as she didnt want o get trashed. His was verified by other girls that are not aware of her prior incident so had no reason to lie or cover up. She stated she just wanted a night out with her friends and doesn't want to get in hat intoxicating position again.

It made me feel much better that she is trying but the trigger was too strong. I think we still have a lot to wok on but a least a small stp forward.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

It's good that you feel you are getting somewhere Mack.

But. . . and sorry for the but, I think alcohol is being blamed too much here as if it was 'alcohol's fault'. It wasn't - it was hers. 

It doesn't just 'happen'. Drunk or not it was still a conscious decision. She still knew her name, she was still able to stand up, she knew the guy wasn't you - yet she still made out with him. She knew full well what she was doing. You were even in the next room! Since she was that blase, it would make me suspicious that she had done it before. 

Seems as if she gets what she wants, and even accuses you of being controlling and is leaving it up to you to deal with the fallout. She's married and she made out with another man. That's BIG - the line has been crossed. But I don't think she gets it. How would she feel if you made out with another woman.

Stand up for yourself Mack. 

I would also be very suspicious about what she has been up to in the past. Personally I would do some serious snooping. 

Sorry if I am somewhat negative.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sometimes betrayal is just too damaging. How is your marriage otherwise? The way I see it, trust was destroyed and you are the only one dealing with the consequences.

Many people on here are really liberal with the "no more GNOs". I think that is unrealistic. You can demand she cut them back, and when she does go, demand she check in with you every hour or two. You can also demand to have GPS on her phone so you know where she is. If she doesn't like that, too bad, that's HER consequence.

I do think that you need to consider the fact that her make out session you caught wasn't the only time that happened. Tell her you doubt this. Tell her why (because it makes no sense that she would allow herself to do this once WITH YOU THERE, but never once when you weren't). And tell her how traumatizing it is to catch someone "in the act". And tell her it's going to take a long time for you to recover from that, and in the meantime, she needs to be a lot more sensitive to your concerns.

I hate that "controlling" sh*t. She pulls that again, tell her that is her consequence for her cheating and if she doesn't like it there's the door.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

The laundry room was probably a test run to see how close she she can do it, with the father of my children is waiting in the other room. That's real nice of her. So now the trust has been broken, yeah and you did that. Controlling, I don't think so. He wants his life partner to act right. Not go boozing and loosing all sense control and flat out lack fo dignity and respect for the OP. Trigger, yeah it will happen. I think what you did under the circumstances I might have done the same thing. IMHO, It's not about control, its about right and wrong, but that is me.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mack,

It's pretty simple really. For some reason, you seem afraid to insist that your wife agree to a reasonable marital boundary - made all the more reasonable, given her cheating.

I get that some couples can live with their spouse having GNO's and MNO's, if there's been no reason to distrust. My wife used to do that all the time - and it was a staging ground for her A.

BUT; once she cheated; no how, no way, will I ever be OK with her going out drinking or with other friends without me. It's a consequence she accepts.

The "controlling" accusation is a typical WS manipulation to avoid this consequence.

The bottom line is that you have to have the stones to insist on *NO MORE GNO's. PERIOD.* And you have to be willing to end your marriage if she doesn't agree.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

mack25 said:


> Thanks for the advise. Things better but still some tough days. Despite some of the posts, I do truly believe this was the first incident in 15 yrs. I really don't think I'm a sucker on thinking this. Maybe that is what makes it so much harder to move on and forward. Needless to say, *drinking nights like that will never be in her future again which she decided.*


Mack as you suggested I read all your original thread, and what I find worriesome is that she does not know how it happened, so how can she prevent it then?

if alcohol is really the factor that begin this bahaviour, how can she control it?

she should be more considerate of your feelings without having the need of demanding it.


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