# I was wrong but how much more can I take?



## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

my wife and I have been married slighty less than a year now. I went into the marriage lying about my past relationships because I felt it would affect the current relationship. My wife and I argued and argued about my lies and I denied them all but I couldn't keep my stories straight. I believe I might have a problem that when I can't remember things I make stories up in my head to put things together so that it can make sense. Therefore one day I sat down tried to write everything down of things that I may have lied about and I told her eveything, I laid everything out. I had lied about I look back and I was so stupid about telling these stupid little lies that turned to be a huge problem now. Ever since that day my wife has lost nearly complete trust in me, and I don't blame her. We have been trying to move on but it keeps bringing it up. Then to make matters worse her ex fiance who is still deeply in love with her and is the father of her son told her that I had cheated on her now I have never cheated on her but now its in her head and keeps accusing me of cheating. I am 100% transparent she knows everything now about me and unfortunatly the truth has not set me free. She questions me about everything and I give the same answers all the time. She questions me about things even before we even started dating. She tells me that she hates me and that she regrets getting married, I understand why she feels that way but it hurts so bad to hear it. I have given up my friends my family for her and willing to give more. She verberly abuses me all the time and puts me down nearly everyday. I feel her goal is to make feel miserable now and I'm afraid that she well eventually leave me. 

my question is what am I to do about these accusations and how to deal the her not trusting me and all the verbal abuse. I love her so much but it seems like a never ending battle.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My husband did the same bloody thing to me...and I've got to tell you, that even though you probably both lied to try and spare OUR feelings, a lie is a lie - and your wife is probably feeling that if you've lied about the little things, you're sure as sh!t gonna lie about the big ones...I can sympathize! Because of his stupid LIES, I have no trust in my husband. I'm trying, but it's hard. We are in marriage counselling and additionally, I sometimes see the therapist individually, to try and cope.

It's great that you tried to lay it all out for your wife, but it has probably overwhelmed her. I can't stress counselling enough...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Please elaborate on what exactly you lied about. You said "past relationships" but what does that mean exactly. 

It's hard to advise you without knowing what the lies were about specifically. 

As for the ex-fiance... tell him to stay out of your personal relationship. It's interesting he came up with this story just now--why? Did she tell him she is having problems with trusting you? Tell her to not share your personal relationship with him since he is not a part of it.

Re: her accusations--all you can do is be honest from now on and contiue answering any/all questions she has. Do not lie in the future ever. As you know, lies beget more lies. 

Verbal abuse is never acceptable. Tell her that.


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## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

the lies were small things like stuff I had bought my ex girlfroend, the stuff we did together, where we have been stupid things I should have never lied about. I guess its because I was very insecure and uncomfortable with myself I wanted to act as if none of it happened


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

berjayrem said:


> the lies were small things like stuff I had bought my ex girlfroend, the stuff we did together, where we have been stupid things I should have never lied about. I guess its because I was very insecure and uncomfortable with myself I wanted to act as if none of it happened


B, I know you think the lies were small...so did my H, although his were slightly bigger than that. But I repeat, a lie is a lie, and unfortunately, the damage has been done.

Are the two of you open to counselling? Have you explained WHY you lied to her? I know that when my husband finally admitted and explained WHY, I started to feel much better. He hadn't lied because of all the sinister ideas I had come up with in my own head, he'd lied because he was embarassed and ashamed of some of his actions in the past.

He set us back some...we shouldn't have to be dealing with counselling and betrayal this early in the game (together 18 months-ish, married for 3).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Going to marriage counselling is an excellent idea.

Why don't you call one up and set up and appointment and tell your wife, "Look I know I fcked up and I want to make this better. I scheduled an appointment with a MCounselor and think it would be helpful for us to go see one/talk about this."

That will show her you are serious about righting your wrong.

Don't lie in the future to her ever again.


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## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

I don't know if she will agree with going to counciling. 

it just hurts to hear her say things like the only way she will feel better is if she cheats on me...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And you will never know if she will agree to go unless you ask her.

And whoa--what's this about her wanting to "cheat" on you to make herself feel better? Is there more to the story you haven't told us? Did you lie about cheating on her or something??? Cause her response is totally from left field.


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## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

No I have never cheated on her. Her ex fiance told her that most likely to cause problems in our marriage. The guy totally hates me. It just added more drama since she doesn't trust because of my lies.

I'm going to give counciling a shot.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You make the counseling appointment, and like Jelly Beans said tell W about it and you'd like her to go with you. If she says no, for whatever reason (altho I think if ONE is willing to go, the other SHOULD go....but you sure can't make 'em!)... then you go without her. This will show her that you are sincere, and it will be good for you anyway!


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## blaine127 (Dec 20, 2011)

Personally, It sounds to me wife is looking for a way out. If you don't have a criminal past, STD, love child ect... What is the big deal. She saw something in you that made her want to marry you. Remind her of why she is no longer with her ex. You can also co-parent w/o getting into another person's relationship. Why is he the first person she runs to. And usually the person accusing is the person who's cheating. GL


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## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

She doesn't run to him with her problems. But ex's mom watches her son and he still lives at home with mom and dad. So he would say stupid remarks to her when they see each other to get into her head. The ex in my opinion is mad that his relationship failed with her and probably can't stand the fact there is a second father figure in his sons life (me).

The main problem is just our trust issue she has with me. I wish I could just undo everything. It's so fustrating because I have laid everything out I go into detail as best I can about every lie and I feel its not getting us anywhere. I want the best for us and our family but its wearing me down emotionally.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think counselling will help.
What you have to do is to be quite clear about it.
You have to tell her that either she stops bringing these things up or you go. If you dont do it now you will anyway split up in the end. It may be hard for you to leave her but you really have no choice.


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## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

accept said:


> I dont think counselling will help.
> What you have to do is to be quite clear about it.
> You have to tell her that either she stops bringing these things up or you go. If you dont do it now you will anyway split up in the end. It may be hard for you to leave her but you really have no choice.


I'm afraid you may be right. My wife is extremely hard headed and no matter what anyone says it won't change her mind unless she (I hate to say it but..) is forced to. I have always been such a push over I guess it may be time to draw the line. 

please wish the best for us..


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Who initiated your wifes divorce to her ex. And has he found someone else. Is she playing you off against him.


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## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

She broke it off with him and he was still trying to get back with her even after we started dating. As far as I know he is still single.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

So is she playing you against him.


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## berjayrem (Dec 18, 2011)

no I don't think she is and don't see why she would.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think he is really your problem. But I cant really tell you what to do about it. 
*She tells me that she hates me and that she regrets getting married,*
This sounds rather final if she really means it and it sounds like she does. 
I think you have nothing to lose by being forceful like I wrote before.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

berjayrem said:


> my wife and I have been married slighty less than a year now. I went into the marriage lying about my past relationships because I felt it would affect the current relationship. My wife and I argued and argued about my lies and I denied them all but I couldn't keep my stories straight. I believe I might have a problem that when I can't remember things I make stories up in my head to put things together so that it can make sense. Therefore one day I sat down tried to write everything down of things that I may have lied about and I told her eveything, I laid everything out. I had lied about I look back and I was so stupid about telling these stupid little lies that turned to be a huge problem now. Ever since that day my wife has lost nearly complete trust in me, and I don't blame her. We have been trying to move on but it keeps bringing it up. Then to make matters worse her ex fiance who is still deeply in love with her and is the father of her son told her that I had cheated on her now I have never cheated on her but now its in her head and keeps accusing me of cheating. I am 100% transparent she knows everything now about me and unfortunatly the truth has not set me free. She questions me about everything and I give the same answers all the time. She questions me about things even before we even started dating. She tells me that she hates me and that she regrets getting married, I understand why she feels that way but it hurts so bad to hear it. I have given up my friends my family for her and willing to give more. She verberly abuses me all the time and puts me down nearly everyday. I feel her goal is to make feel miserable now and I'm afraid that she well eventually leave me.
> 
> my question is what am I to do about these accusations and how to deal the her not trusting me and all the verbal abuse. I love her so much but it seems like a never ending battle.


As Candie mentioned, a lie is a lie is a lie. And if you've only been married a year and you went into the marriage lying, then the lies are fairly new (a year or less, right?). When did she find out you were lying about things? It's not something to take lightly. My H lied about everything from his past to present. Every time I would catch him in a lie, it set the clock back for my recovery and trust in my H. It's been a year since a pretty big lie about finances, and I'm still questioning him about stuff. He gets aggravated, but you know what? HE BROUGHT IT ON HIMSELF and I will take my time trusting him again about anything. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. To me it's betrayal and uncalled for. 

Now onto the verbal abuse. That's unacceptable and you should seek counseling for that. No one should abuse either party in a marriage.

The ex causing problems - Can you confront him with your W there? Not in a threatening way, but just talk to him and lay it out that you have not cheated, you will not cheat, etc. and that if he has proof, now is the time to share, with your W in toe. I don't know, just a suggestion. Of course I don't know the dynamics of the relationships in your family or who talks to who.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

berjayrem said:


> No I have never cheated on her. Her ex fiance told her that most likely to cause problems in our marriage. The guy totally hates me. It just added more drama since she doesn't trust because of my lies.
> 
> I'm going to give counciling a shot.


You can offer to take a polygraph test to prove you are not lying about the cheating, however, your wife sounds unreasonable, too.

The lies you say you told her were pretty innocuous and really, do you need to account for every gift you ever gave past girlfriends or places you went with them? If she is demanding to know that info, that seems weird. Also, it does not sound like she has healthy boundaries with her ex boyfriend. Go to counseling!


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