# Married to a Mama's Boy



## naivete (Sep 15, 2010)

This'll be a little rambly because it's just little bits and pieces of events over the past few years. When I first met my husband, it was 8 years ago, I thought it was cute that he was so close to his mother, he called her almost every day and could talk to her for hours. Over the years it's been alright, she's lived far away from us, but there was still indication that she's still too involved in his life.

Things like whenever she came over, she'd stay for a week or two, and she would try to assume the position again. She'd spend all day cooking, cleaning, questioning my decisions or what we were doing with the kids. She'd bake for him, and he'd sit around and lap it all in. During these weeks he'd do very little. He'd even save his clothes that got rips for months so that she could patch it up when she came.

He makes little comments when I cook, when I clean, etc, about how it's not what he expects or likes. He'll re-do things that I do, but he doesn't do that to her.

Now she's living in the city, and it's gotten a little worse. He still talks to her every day, but now multiple times during the week and on weekends we have to go visit her, or he'll invite her to come run errands with us. I only see my own father, who lives in the city, once every few weeks, so I'm not used to this level of contact. She walked over one day when I was home alone when she first moved, and I was in my pyjamas because I wasn't expecting anyone, and I was left to entertain her until he got home. I know she misses our kids after so long of living so far away, so I'm okay with it but I just want some form of boundary or schedule or something. 

Now she's been here a few weeks and I can see those boundaries blurring, she'll make huge dinners then tell my husband to drive over in the morning and pick some up left overs that he can take for lunch. A week ago I made brownies, and he lights up and instead of saying thank you, he says "I just realized now my mom can bake for me!" and I say "I do bake for you, and I'm pretty good at it" and he says it's because I don't make apple pie, which his mom does.

He's going through a peer support group right now, which is supposed to strengthen our marriage, and last week they did an exercise on "Family Support". He had to make a list of who he thinks supports him the most in life, and his mother of course was number one on the list, then his brother, then the kids, and then me. He brought it up as a huge revelation that I'm not as supportive as I should be because his mother was in first place.

He says it's because his mother and brother talk to him and there's never arguments, however his mother does not support him, we help her out financially, we take her around where she needs to go, we help her out with everything she needs, she's not around raising our family or helping with everything day to day. I found this a little off putting, because I've supported him for years, I supported him in career changes which would make less money but be something he enjoyed more, every day I ask him how his day is and really listen, I make an effort to show some interest in the things he likes, I encourage him to take on hobbies or go out with friends, if we have issues I try really hard on addressing them to make our life better.

I just find it so frustrating that no matter what I do I won't live up to her. I feel like at this age, he's 32, he should be able to recognize that his mother raised him, and should have moved OUT of that mothering role, because it's now his job to be that role for our children. My role is not to mother him, or baby him, it's my role to be a partner to him and a mother role to my children, which I do really well. He still sees his FAMILY as his mother and brother, when at this point, WE should be his family and they should be extended family. Still important, still loved but separate, because we now need to raise our children and be a family. I totally understand the need for a close relationship but I think at some point the torch should be passed on so we can raise our kids. I will never take the spot of his mother, but I think it's unreasonable that he compares me to her as if the fact that I'm not like her is something against our marriage. I'm not his mother, and he should be doing some of these things for himself so he can learn how to do it for our children. He actually thinks our marriage is in trouble right now because this exercise made him realize I'm "not as supportive" as his mother (meaning, and he said this, she listens and never argues with him)

Am I wrong in this? How does anyone else deal with this sort of issue? How can you let your husband see that it's an okay thing that you're not like his mother, because the role of mother and partner is so different. Our marriage is pretty good, we argue but we still focus really hard on making each other happy, we still have romance, we still laugh together and talk every day, we're also both taking steps to reduce the arguments and find new ways to communicate without having the other one feel not heard.


----------



## Lovemykids (Sep 14, 2010)

Ok I'm kinda going thru the same thing so I know how annoying it is!!!!! My boyfriends mom babies him to the point I think it's a little unhealthy!!!!! I don't have advice for you because Im dealing with it myself and don't know how to handle it!!!!!! I really can't stand my boyfriends mom and if you wanna get into stories I bet I can tell you a few that might make you feel better about you MIL 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

You're not his mother, you're his wife, and I think his comparison between the two of you is unfair. Besides being your own person and doing things how you were raised, your role as wife to him should not be the same as mother. He sounds pretty immature. Determining that you support him less because you argue more isn't even logical. You're his wife, you have a life and kids together, of course you will argue sometimes and more often than with other people. Are you supposed to just go along with whatever so you don't argue? 

I feel for you because this has to be very hurtful. Unfortunately there is no magic solution. The problem is that if he wants to be a mama's boy and doesn't see anything wrong with it, then he won't change and you will continue to have to deal with these issues. Honestly, your H needs to man up and take care of his family and stop placing his mother on the pedestal. Definitely set boundaries, such as calling before coming over. And if it were me, I'd try and busy myself with other activities and make the visits less frequent.


----------



## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

This sounds like a very frustrating situation for you. I agree with you that once you get married, your parents and your spouse's parents become extended family, but your husband obviously feels differently, and he holds different ideas about what it means to support someone else.

It might be helpful for you to let go of any guilt you might have about doing things differently than his mom. Stop comparing yourself to her (I know it's tough when your husband is the one who initiates all these comparisons). You mentioned that he doesn't appreciate that you bake for him because his mom does it--you can either stop baking for him (no longer your responsibility) or stop trying to convince him why he should appreciate your baking and not his mom's. Don't make it a competition between the two of you; you each do it your own way and if he wants to make comparisons that's fine, but you're going to be mature and not participate in this weird competition because you and his mom should mean different things to him. The next time he whines that you don't do something like his mom, just smile and say "aren't you so lucky you have two wonderful women in your life with completely different talents?" or something like that. Make him realize that you are not a replacement for his mommy but that you have your own unique skill set. 

His mom doesn't seem like such a terrible person, just annoyingly present all the time haha...Maybe you could develop your own relationship with her? Separate from your husband? Go shopping together, or take the kids to the park together, make dinner together (ideally something that is a new recipe to both of you so that you don't compete and so that you can establish a "joint" talent). At some point you'll be able to talk together about your husband, the embarrassing stuff he did as a kid, what weird habits he has, etc. and then joke around in front of him about all that  Will it embarrass him? Yes! But what else will it accomplish? It will make him realize that he is NOT the center of the family, he does not get to control you OR his mom or call all the shots when it comes to the family dynamic. It will also give you more power when it comes to his mother--if you're closer with her, you'll feel more comfortable asking her to give you space on the occasions when you really need it, and it will make her less likely to feel threatened by you. As it stands now, your husband has both you and his mom vying for his affection by trying to out-do each other...If suddenly you're focusing that attention on his mom, he will start to realize that he can't play you two against each other anymore.


----------

