# False R?



## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

So I had posted a while back and deleted my post. Basically, H had been having an E and PA for several months with a coworker. When I discovered it, he agreed to NC, except essential communication at work. In the meantime, we've been doing counseling. At one point I kicked him out because it seemed like his heart wasn't into the reconciliation. But since, even though we've been separated for about 2 months, he's been coming over the whole time for dates, hanging out with our baby, etc. But still he's been withdrawing and then coming closer which has been frustrating. He's been doing some of the trustbuilding stuff we discussed in counseling. Well last week I caught him in a lie on the phone and he told me that he was at her apartment. In a conversation the next day he revealed to me that he still has feelings for his AP and he has been unable to feel the same about me. He said that he was at her apartment because he wanted to see how she was doing--that he was worried about her, but that they had not had contact outside of work prior to this and that their interactions at work have been distant and professional. (I tend to not believe this, but I do think it is possible, given that he does seem to be really trying). He told me that though I had set up NC as a condition for our R, that he wasn't sure if he can do that. He has not made a commitment to rebuilding our marriage--he's not sure if he wants it or not. He also said that when he took the call from me at his AP's house, that when he got off the phone with her, that he was very upset, and that she told him then that she did not want to be involved with breaking up a marriage (I know!). Anyways, he then told me he would like to come back to the house 2 days a week and stay in the guest room in the interest of working on our relationship. Also, I asked him the "magic pill" question: if you could take a pill that would make you regain your feelings for me, would you take it? He said yes. 

He's clearly torn and it is really hurting both of us. Anybody else dealing with this limbo/ambivalence? It is so hard. I don't want to let him go, because I really believe it is in both of our best interests to stay married, I want to think that this is a bump in the road. I really love him. He wants to do the right thing, but his feelings are making it difficult for him to see what the correct path is for him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry that you are suffering from DDay#2 because of this false R.


This is why NC cannot be established if this is a workplace affair and they still work together. There's no such thing as "only essential communication" if they continue to work together. Ask anyone here who is a victim of their WSs workplace affair. At one point, you have to decide which is more important, the WS job or your marriage.


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## feelingallalone (Apr 2, 2012)

He's fence sitting on you. He needs to make a definitive choice. If he doesn't make a choice one way or another, then there is no R, there is only an ongoing nightmare starring you. 

Without a definitive choice, this is a False R, and thus really part of the deception.

I just had to go through this with my W's EA. My DDay was April 18-19, two days because we had an overnight standoff. She made the choice to stay with the marriage, and I insisted on NC. I knew that she would break it, as she was still not being honest (I held back a few things I knew, so I would know when honesty came.)

She didn't last a day. Broke NC night of the 19th and the 20th. 

Soooo....I realized that if she did not make a choice, the marriage was essentially over. No way was I going to stay in a marriage with a 3rd person. I love my wife, I wanted to save my marriage, but if it was not to be a 2 person marriage, there was nothing to save.

I went online, signed up for a no-contest divorce service and got initial paperwork. Prepared my evidence for breaking the NC. (you need evidence, they lie without it.) 

That night, 21st, I showed her my evidence. Said NC was broken, and that I had told her divorce would follow if she did that. 

She started to cry. Asked for a 2nd chance. I said NO, I didn't want to but had to choice. The marriage meant nothing with her making contact still. We had to divorce.

And then, it all hit her, she broke down. And for the first time in months I finally got honesty. It all came pouring out.

I then agreed to a 2nd chance. But knew we were still not yet in R. She thought we were, but I was waiting. I still hadn't gotten her to truly acknowledge what she had done to me by the choices she made. That is important, sincere remorse and acknowledgement. 

I got that last night, the 23rd. 

So, today, the 24th, is our first day of Reconciliation, almost a week after DDay.


I suggest you prepare divorce papers and have him make a choice. Why would you let this linger? 

If he can't make a choice, then you need to start proceedings. You need to be able to go through with this process and really divorce. You might not want to, but consider, what kind of marriage to you have without it? What are you saving? You are in a nightmare, recognize it.

If he chooses the marriage, and you see he is being HONEST and sincerely ACKNOWLEDGES that he betrayed you, deceived you, and hurt you deeply by his selfish choices, then and only then will R began. Anything else it is not R, it is just more lies and deception.

Good luck to you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

That is why so many people (myself included) suggest you file for D in these situations. When these folks are in limbo there is nothing much you can do. At least he told you how he feels. File for D and if he changes and you feel comfortable with that you can always stop the action.

Like lordmayhem said, the job or the marriage because these situations rarely resolve themself when the OW is in the picture every day.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yep. Job or marriage. No ifs, ands or buts. He's trying to keep things open with her in case you do kick him out. So, kick him out.

I tell everyone to kick him out though. Take that for what it's worth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you expose the affair at their work ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Did you expose the affair at their work ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 and her parents, siblings , friends . This is a single OW who has nothing to lose so make it very uncomfortable for her .

If you have repeat the exposure and mention he claims to be working an yet is still is in an affair. Eventually most decent folk start isolating them .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

Is there anything a BS can do to show their WS that they are in the midst of the "fog"? Sometimes I just want to show him these articles I read that describe what I bet he is currently feeling so that he can see what I see. But I don't do it, because I don't want to push him away more and also because I don't think it's right to try and impose my beliefs onto him. I've just been trying to be healthy and positive rather than trying to talk about things very much outside of MC.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Foggy people don't speak logic

you have to present consequences instead


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> Is there anything a BS can do to show their WS that they are in the midst of the "fog"?


I agree with AlmostRecovered that foggy people don't speak logic.

I think trying to convince them that they're in a fog is akin to trying to persuade someone else to convert to YOUR religion.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

So now its been about 3 months separated, four months since d-day. Something has definitely shifted in how he's acting. We've had a lot of discussion about why the affair happened, what's up with our marriage, etc. We're in MC and have been since d-day. We spend a lot of time together. Pretty much daily contact and he stays over about 2x a week (in the guest bedroom--his preference), hang out all day on weekends usually. Our day to day conflict is virtually nil due to changes we've been making in our interactions as a result of MC. For a while he was being un-affectionate and withdrawing, but he seems to be warming up lately. He even said "I love you" a week ago or so--the first time in months, and talks about the future. We have summer plans as well. Despite all these things, and despite the fact that we seem to be gaining momentum, when we were in counseling the other day he said that though we are making strides, he isn't totally committed to staying in the marriage. He says he won't pursue the affair so long as we are working on the marriage and that his feelings for the OW have cooled somewhat. I don't think he's cheating on me right now; he's being very accountable for his time and I have a gut sense that he's coming out of the fog. But, he recently expressed his unhappiness with the marriage that he had been experiencing prior to the affair and that he's not sure if he still wants the marriage. He said that's why he struggles with being too affectionate--because he doesn't want to give false hope when he's not certain and because he doesn't always want to be emotionally close to me because of past hurts. 

At any rate he hasn't make a decision yet and it's driving me crazy. I guess patience is a virtue. But so is non-attachment. 

What can I do? How long should I wait? Is there such a thing as accidental reconciliation? Like he won't say "I want to reconcile," but we're doing all this stuff that is improving the situation...arrg.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sorry, but your husband is a ****head! He has a baby with you and he is wandering around not sure about what he wants..tell him to grow a pair and decide today what he wants. Either he works at the marriage 100% or kick him out. This sickens me especially when children are involved..I find it sad because they are the innocents in all of this crap...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He says he won't pursue the affair so long as we are working on the marriage


Friend, It's so sad to read...


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

Hey, I wanted to mention that he watches the baby half time. We switch days. I don't know why that matters. Just wanted to give a clear picture that even though he sucks as a husband, he's doing the best he can with the kid given his ambivalence.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The response to him only offering to the end the affair if you work on the marriage, is to ask him how he would feel if asked similar threats?

And ask him whats next if you do stay? That if you don't perform in bed like he wants, does that mean he'll have another affair? 

You should never accept being put in a position of competing for your spouses faithfulness.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

I don't think that's what he meant. What I took away from his comment was that he may try and be with her again if we end up divorcing. Which sucks in a totally different way! And is unacceptable? I don't even know, I'm so screwed up over all this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You've essentially put yourself in the position of being his backup plan. You've signed up to be an option.

I don't even know you, but I know for sure that you're worth more than being some guy's option. You deserve to be his first and only _choice_. And right now, he's _not_ choosing you. Now, you need to figure out why that doesn't make you mad. It certainly makes me mad for you.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

But he's ended the affair, so aren't I the choice--for now? That's what p***es me off, that he still is keeping her as a backup plan! Illuminate me, I know I'm not seeing things very clearly right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I highly doubt he has ended it. He's just taken it further underground, or put it on hold.

If my husband hadn't FOUGHT for me, I wouldn't be with him. I was done, he finally convinced me we should try again, and he was and is 1000% into it. No back up plans, no holding off with affection, none of that nonsense. I deserve ALL of my man, not just what he deigns to give me.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> Hey, I wanted to mention that he watches the baby half time. *We switch days*. I don't know why that matters. Just wanted to give a clear picture that even though he sucks as a husband, he's doing the best he can with the kid given his ambivalence.


Well, you know yourself that being a decent dad doesn't make him a great husband. And it might not matter now while that baby is so little, but the best gift a dad can give his child is to love his mother whole-heartedly. So that makes him a "good enough" dad, but not a great one.

He still works with her, right?

What do you talk about in MC?

I don't see much evidence that he working on the marriage, at all. He doesn't live with the two of you, right? What it really sounds like is that he's experimenting with what a partial custody arrangment would look like if you divorced. That is how the arrangement sounds to me.

My guess is that he's stringing you along and is trying to let you down gently. That is how he's acting. 

He said "I love you"--but what he's acting like is that he "loves you" as the baby's mother, but he's not in love with you. He sleeps in the guest room--I take it you don't have sex? This suggests loyalty for the OW. 

You don't want to force the issue because you are afraid to lose him. From where I sit, he's already been lost. You have to decide if you are willing to put up with these crumbs. He is too cowardly to make a choice; he wants you to be the bad guy who pulled the trigger and broke up the marriage.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

We do have sex, a couple times a week. It's been good and I feel like it helps our reconnection and he's said the same. 

He's said in the past few weeks that he wants to take baby steps and go slowly in the reconciliation. Interestingly in MC the other day when he was talking about how he felt during the affair he said that when it was going on his plan was to hide the affair and then somehow get me strong enough for a divorce (don't ask me how he was planning to do this--I don't think he knew and I didn't ask) and then start dating her legitimately after we had split so that no one would know. At any rate, I said, OMG, is that what you are doing now, trying to let me down easy? And he said no. So, that's all I know. That I asked if he was dragging this out in order to let me down easy and he said no. That doesn't mean that he's telling the truth, but it's what he said!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Quit listening to what's coming out of his mouth. He is a proven liar and from what you've said, does not show any signs of stopping. The ONLY thing that matters at this point is what he DOES. Based on that, I don't like the guy one bit. He is NOT doing what he should be. Not even close.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> We do have sex, a couple times a week. It's been good and I feel like it helps our reconnection and he's said the same.
> 
> He's said in the past few weeks that he wants to take baby steps and go slowly in the reconciliation. Interestingly in MC the other day when he was talking about how he felt during the affair he said that when it was going on his plan was to hide the affair and then somehow get me strong enough for a divorce (don't ask me how he was planning to do this--I don't think he knew and I didn't ask) and then start dating her legitimately after we had split so that no one would know. At any rate, I said, OMG, is that what you are doing now, trying to let me down easy? And he said no. So, that's all I know. That I asked if he was dragging this out in order to let me down easy and he said no. That doesn't mean that he's telling the truth, but it's what he said!


How good is the MC? Do you think you chose a good counselor? Are they pro-marriage?

If you think he's turning the corner, try these books

His Needs / Her Needs (free website questionnaire)
Love Busters (ditto)
5 Love Languages (free website quiz)

and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman.

Get him to fill out the questionnaires--these can jump start love between you. Sometimes in marriage the two partner are expressing love for each other sincerely, but because the other partner experiences love differently, you are working at cross-purposes (ships passing in the night).




But he still works with her, right? Did I miss something on that?


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

Yeah, he does work with her still. I know what everyone says, but what can I do? I'm planning to negotiate something with him once he makes up his mind that he wants the marriage. I feel like I am getting an extraordinarily raw deal with this situation. Don't most WS either leave or recommit? Does it normally take so long to get a decision? Its like he wants to do everything halfway. Halfway separated since he's here all the time, has sex, etc. Halfway in the affair since he works with her and isn't fully closing the door to her as a possibility in the future. Halfway a parent. Halfway affectionate. I mean it's really maddening and I don't know what to do. I can accept it or not I guess. I've been accepting it but I didn't realize it would go on like this for so long. I guess the fact that I have been letting it go on like this is why it's still happening. He feels no pressure to decide. I don't want to lose him by forcing a decision before he's ready. Did anybody read Divorce Busting? This is something the author specifically warns against doing if you are determined to try and save your marriage. But I guess I need to know what to do in the meantime. If I go dark, he may very well leave me for the OP. It's messed up, but that's the reality. I'm a hostage as long as I am committed to preserving what's left of my marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Then UN commit to saving your marriage. Why do you need to stay with someone who won't commit to YOU? I don't get it. You don't need to force him to a decision, all you need to do is make one for YOURSELF, that you are no longer waiting around. Keep him on the hook and tell him that you're open to someone else if you meet them and see how HE likes it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Actually, he blew up your marriage. It's over and done with. If you want a new one with this guy, he has to be a new guy and get rid of the old cheating liar. And that includes quit his job for you. That should be NON negotiable. Until you are willing to stand up for yourself nothing will change. You'll be on here in 20 years asking the very same questions.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You are dead on about halfway.

Think of her as his drug of choice. As long as he gets even a small hit from her, he stays in the fog.

As long as he stays connected to her, and you tolerate his offer of limbo (another way to say halfway), nothing will change.

You are waiting for him to make a move. You don't understand how cheaters work. Affairs are cowardly. Instead of divorcing you, he's dating potential replacements for you. He isn't going to commit to her right now either; this halfway system works for him. He might spend years of your life this way.

My H wasn't making any move to D me. He wasn't going to recommit until I forced the issue. That is just how cheaters work! If you know he won't take an ultimatum well, you have all the information you need
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

YOu have to get mad...two days after DD#2 in April...I was on the phone with H and I went from being kind of snively whiny to mad, because I sensed some wishy washy attitude from him.

*So all of a sudden my tone did a 180 and I said you have to grow some balls and decide right now what you want to do..not tomorrow but right now. I said either you are commited to this marriage 100% or not. I said I ****in do not deserve to be treated this way by you.  So decide right now..I said I am not putting up with this bull **** any longer...*

That is when he decided that yes he will stay in our marriage and we will work on it. The thing is you have to get mad..that is almost the key here.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I forgot to add that I think when they sense that you are at your breaking point and you are pissed right off..that almost wakes people up and they think holy **** I have to make a decision right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> I forgot to add that I think when they sense that you are at your breaking point and you are pissed right off..that almost wakes people up and they think holy **** I have to make a decision right now.


Absolutely. Nothing wakes a cheater up more than getting their a$$ kicked to the curb.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Please listen to the advice you are being given. The ladies are spot on so I won't repeat what they have already said.
We have all been in your situation and what they are telling you is 100% correct!

I'm sorry to say it honey but you are enabling your Hs behaviour. You are allowing him to string you along and not make decisions. The comment he made in MC about waiting for you to be strong enough for him to Leave you was very telling. I think he was testing your reaction and this is possibly what he is doing. I'm sorry but I'd bet my house he is still in the A. Your story is very similar to mine. My H was very confused, didn't know what he wanted, meanwhile my heart was breaking! So eventually I took the advice I was given here, I put my big girls knickers on and told H that I'd had enough. I didn't want to be part of his drama anymore and that he was free to go do what he wanted. It killed me, but I meant it. Enough is enough!! 3 weeks later he dumped her and wanted to commit to me and our marriage 100%. 

I'm not saying this will be the definite outcome for you but sweetly you deserve more than the scraps he is giving you. You need 100% comitment from him otherwise you don't need him.
Be strong and let him go. Take the high road my friend.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice guys. I am trying to take it all in and I hear everyone telling me to give him and ultimatum. But, he says that he's trying to take it slow and do baby steps. I'm afraid to pressure him because he told me that the pressure makes him feel more negatively toward our reconciliation. And since I stopped pressuring things have been steadily improving between us--he's acting loving instead of mean, he's initiating affection, he's spending lots of time with us, etc. I just have this hope that if I give it a little more time he will come around and recommit. But my main thing is figuring out when enough is enough. But if I do discover a continuing affair, I will definitely show him the door, there is no question. In a way, it would be easier for me at this point if it were clear that he was still in the A because then I would know what to do. Currently, all I can do is vacillate between taking him at his word and speculating about all the ways he might still be deceiving me! Clearly we aren't reconciling yet, because if we were then he would be doing all the stuff they say to do in those books on infidelity to build trust (he will do those things--like show me his emails, etc, but he doesn't initiate these things, and it is embarrassing to me to ask for them routinely). I do hear what you all are saying though and I do think there will be a time for me to take a hard line like that, but maybe I'll give it a little bit of time to see if we continue to make forward progress. If this stalls out, I'll know what to do, so thanks. 

Your friend,

Possibly in Denial.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He is married to you and you have a baby together..I'm sorry but he lost that right to take it slow and do baby steps...and poor baby wondering if he should recommit to you...sorry but your H is an idiot!

I know it is hard and you want to save your family but remember preserve your dignity as well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you guys are not reconciling, what the heck are you doing?!?!?!?!?!? First he cheats on you then HE has the GALL to tell YOU what HE wants?!?!?!?!?!

I'm gonna have to leave this thread because I just can't keep banging my head against a brick wall like this. Unbelievable.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I like that line about putting too much pressue on him makes him feel negative toward your reconcilliation...WTF! You are his wife and you have a child together...that should be the pressure for him wanting to keep his child's parents together. 

Taking it slow and doing baby steps are what you do in the early part of a relationship to make sure it is right...you do not do that after you have married and there is a child involved. Man you must feel like you have two kids to look after with this jerk.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> Thanks for all the advice guys. I am trying to take it all in and I hear everyone telling me to give him and ultimatum. But, he says that he's trying to take it slow and do baby steps. I'm afraid to pressure him because he told me that the pressure makes him feel more negatively toward our reconciliation. And since I stopped pressuring things have been steadily improving between us--he's acting loving instead of mean, he's initiating affection, he's spending lots of time with us, etc. I just have this hope that if I give it a little more time he will come around and recommit. But my main thing is figuring out when enough is enough. But if I do discover a continuing affair, I will definitely show him the door, there is no question. In a way, it would be easier for me at this point if it were clear that he was still in the A because then I would know what to do. Currently, all I can do is vacillate between taking him at his word and speculating about all the ways he might still be deceiving me! Clearly we aren't reconciling yet, because if we were then he would be doing all the stuff they say to do in those books on infidelity to build trust (he will do those things--like show me his emails, etc, but he doesn't initiate these things, and it is embarrassing to me to ask for them routinely). I do hear what you all are saying though and I do think there will be a time for me to take a hard line like that, but maybe I'll give it a little bit of time to see if we continue to make forward progress. If this stalls out, I'll know what to do, so thanks.
> 
> Your friend,
> 
> Possibly in Denial.


I know this is killing you, but you are letting fear rule the day.

He already knows you will wait while he figures out what he wants. So waiting isn't going to give you the result you want. He has already told you that he isn't sure if he still wants the marriage? And now things are better between you? Because you stopped "bringing up problems"? 

You have it all backwards, I am sorry. He should be reading articles about how to save his marriage, and waiting for you to decide to give HIM another chance. 

You need to find a way to reverse this or pull out.

Sorry your H is doing this to you. Limbo sux.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I know this is killing you, but you are letting fear rule the day.
> 
> He already knows you will wait while he figures out what he wants. So waiting isn't going to give you the result you want. He has already told you that he isn't sure if he still wants the marriage? And now things are better between you? Because you stopped "bringing up problems"?
> 
> ...


This is why I think she should be a hard ass with him...shock the crap out of him. Tell him to decide today is he fully commited to her and their child or not. Like I said if you play too nice it will end up backfiring..however I think she will continue to play nice with him letting him control her life at this point....and the fact that she is still having sex with him. Boy he is sure getting the best of both worlds isn't he.

With my H..I thought enough is enough..I do not deserve to be in limbo either he wants to work on the marriage 100% or get the hell out. 

This guy made a family with you...frick you should be calling the shots not this egocentric jerk.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

The pattern I've noticed when it comes to a successful reconciliation with a WS who truly ends things with the AP is that the BS FINALLY got to the point when they said enough of this sh!t.

I didn't even know about my H's affair but he did drop the D bomb and was saying all sorts of stupid things. He kept telling me how much I hurt him and for 4 months, I listened to that part because it was legitimate. However, when he bad mouthed me, I certainly didn't take it.

Unbeknownst to me, he was trying to get rid of OW but she was threatening to tell me.

If he really, truly wanted out though, he should have let her tell me and dealt with his consequences...

Anyway, at the 4 month mark, my H had the audacity to tell me he didn't like or respect me. (The woman who was trying to save her family didn't deserve respect?!) I told him I liked and respected myself. I guess he got the message that I was not going to allow him to disrespect me and he quickly changed his tune. He actually starting listing off all my good qualities. A couple days later, I wrote him a letter and told him that if he didn't like or respect me, I had no desire to be married to him and he could have his divorce.

Mr. Cake Eater did not like this and suddenly he wanted to work on the M and guess what, he never saw OW again. 

When it comes to cheaters, especially the cake eating type, you have to force them to make their decision or they will string you along till the cows come home. Cheaters are selfish and they like things easy. Take away their "easy" and suddenly they become fully functioning adults capable of making decisions.

My H got 4 months of limbo because I didn't know about the A (OW outted him weeks after being dumped) but if I had known, Mr. Cake Eater would have had exactly 10 seconds to make up his mind.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> YOu have to get mad...two days after DD#2 in April...I was on the phone with H and I went from being kind of snively whiny to mad, because I sensed some wishy washy attitude from him.
> 
> *So all of a sudden my tone did a 180 and I said you have to grow some balls and decide right now what you want to do..not tomorrow but right now. I said either you are commited to this marriage 100% or not. I said I ****in do not deserve to be treated this way by you.  So decide right now..I said I am not putting up with this bull **** any longer...*
> 
> That is when he decided that yes he will stay in our marriage and we will work on it. The thing is you have to get mad..that is almost the key here.


My STBEH claimed one of the reasons that he had an affair was that I was too much his equal. 

The OW was just fun and very girly girl. He used to hate that type, BTW, and now claims he still does. 

But, he said, she would go along with anything he wanted. She let him lead, and spend money like a drunken sailor, whereas I often argued about choices he made that might hurt our future.

Of course they only had a fantasy relationship, without real life responsibilities.

In the end though I think men do want their wives to be their equals and to argue about their lousy life choices.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

Well folks. It's November and he finally told me he wanted a divorce. This after MONTHS of living in a hellish limbo, more of the same stuff I mentioned above. Things did appear to be improving and he moved back in in August, only to leave 3 weeks later in September completely out of the blue. Still saying he wasn't sure. A few weeks after he told me he wanted the divorce, I opened his bank statement and it showed that he had gone on an out of town trip--to the town where the OW grew up--two days after he told me he wanted a divorce. I'm going to move on over to the divorce board, but thought I owed it to others to finish my story of the affair. Basically, I was not strong enough to take the good advice given to me, and I was concerned that if I had kicked him to the curb as I was advised, and it didn't result in him waking up and returning to the M, that I would have never felt that I did enough to preserve the m. Ironically, now I wonder if I had taken the advice, if it wouldn't have woken him up. ANyways, it's a no win either way. But one way is faster and I didn't go that route. My issue now is whether to even bother trying to get the truth out of him about whether his affair was continued throughout this whole year or what. We are supposed to be co-parenting and doing a mediated divorce and I just found out that he may have been lying this whole time. I am having a tough time dealing with the very sordid ending of our marriage which used to be loving and caring. I would like so much to go out on a positive note, especially since we have a child together.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> Well folks. It's November and he finally told me he wanted a divorce. This after MONTHS of living in a hellish limbo, more of the same stuff I mentioned above. Things did appear to be improving and he moved back in in August, only to leave 3 weeks later in September completely out of the blue. Still saying he wasn't sure. A few weeks after he told me he wanted the divorce, I opened his bank statement and it showed that he had gone on an out of town trip--to the town where the OW grew up--two days after he told me he wanted a divorce. I'm going to move on over to the divorce board, but thought I owed it to others to finish my story of the affair. Basically, I was not strong enough to take the good advice given to me, and I was concerned that if I had kicked him to the curb as I was advised, and it didn't result in him waking up and returning to the M, that I would have never felt that I did enough to preserve the m. Ironically, now I wonder if I had taken the advice, if it wouldn't have woken him up. ANyways, it's a no win either way. But one way is faster and I didn't go that route. My issue now is whether to even bother trying to get the truth out of him about whether his affair was continued throughout this whole year or what. We are supposed to be co-parenting and doing a mediated divorce and I just found out that he may have been lying this whole time. I am having a tough time dealing with the very sordid ending of our marriage which used to be loving and caring. I would like so much to go out on a positive note, especially since we have a child together.


I am sorry to hear this. 

I do think in the end your husband will wake up to the shallow reality of the other women he is now with. 

Affairs are so incredibly intoxicating, and it is difficult to cheat once and to never cheat again. 

I think, in the end, your husband did you a favor by divorcing you and making himself an even badder bad guy. Also, he saved you from repeated heartache. Cheating once, in my opinion, makes it easier to do again and each time it takes longer to get caught until eventually we get so good at it, we never get caught.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

Thanks for the words. Badder bad guy. And I'm the better good gal. I did everything I could think of to make things work out and tried so hard to fight for what I believed was right. But it wasn't right otherwise it would have worked out. What say you all to me trying to get him to actually admit it (the continuing affair)? It just feels soooo wrong that he's getting away with this in the eyes of everyone--like, "see I tried--I stuck around in this "loveless" marriage for an entire year, but it just didn't work out", when in reality he was probably seeing her the whole time. I just want the truth from the horse's mouth as to why my marriage is ending. A week after his out of town trip he emailed me to tell me that he wasn't seeing anyone and didn't plan to. WTF?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> Thanks for the words. Badder bad guy. And I'm the better good gal. I did everything I could think of to make things work out and tried so hard to fight for what I believed was right. But it wasn't right otherwise it would have worked out. What say you all to me trying to get him to actually admit it (the continuing affair)? It just feels soooo wrong that he's getting away with this in the eyes of everyone--like, "see I tried--I stuck around in this "loveless" marriage for an entire year, but it just didn't work out", when in reality he was probably seeing her the whole time. I just want the truth from the horse's mouth as to why my marriage is ending. A week after his out of town trip he emailed me to tell me that he wasn't seeing anyone and didn't plan to. WTF?


You need to get proof positive prior to confronting him. Otherwise most likely he will continue to deny reality.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

I have proof. Well, proof-ish. Bank statement with charges for a town nowhere near our town, where he has no business and where OW hails from.


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

I guess what I'm wanting feedback on is whether it even matters. He's asked for divorce, with rationale being that he doesn't want to be in a loveless marriage and that he tried. I just think that is utter bs and was very confused to begin with when he announced he wanted divorce, then found this evidence of continuing relationship with OW, so am confused and upset. I want the truth about my own marriage! But should I try to get it out of him or should I just assume that its because of her?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You shouldn't do anything at all. It's over, you're best disposition now is to be and appear indifferent to him, he's irrelevant to you, there's nothing more you two have to say to each other. He really needs to be dead to you in your mind. *He's history, gone, nonexistent.* Do not take texts or calls from him. Don't see him. Arrange for him to see the baby through a third party if need be. 

*Move on.*

T


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> I guess what I'm wanting feedback on is whether it even matters. He's asked for divorce, with rationale being that he doesn't want to be in a loveless marriage and that he tried. I just think that is utter bs and was very confused to begin with when he announced he wanted divorce, then found this evidence of continuing relationship with OW, so am confused and upset. I want the truth about my own marriage! But should I try to get it out of him or should I just assume that its because of her?


I got walloped financially in the divorce because my wife found out I was straying again. 

You know what, i deserved it and on some level I am glad she got so much in the divorce. 

Your husband, may think he loves this shallow woman he is with now, but he is drowning in intoxicating chemicals. The type that make people stupid. 

He won't realize this until it's too late. 

If you have proof bring it to your lawyer.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I would go dark, he hasnt lost you totally. He told you he wanted a divorce so that he would be "free" to go on this trip. Im in the same situation (or was) I was afraid to push my husband to make a decision. I am paying for it still. We R almost three years ago but he doesnt treat me the way I think he should. He sat on the fence for 3 years with the OW and me....its horrible. I feel for you!

Shut him out, show him what life without you and your child is like....he doesnt know yet what he's asking for!


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

I want to make it clear that I'm not interesting in reconciling at all. Part of what's been good about this whole experience is getting a grip on myself and realizing that I don't want to be with someone who would make such unhealthy and stupid choices. I just don't know how to move ahead with the divorce (which was supposed to be a mediated, nicey nice thing) when I'm dealing with this person who is lying to me. I'm all emotional now about discovering a continued affair and I'm not feeling at all nice and like, hey, let's have an amicable divorce, a point I had reached until I found this new information. We're supposed to be hosting a joint birthday party for our young child in two weeks. Meanwhile we haven't spoken for a month and I'm reeling with this new info about the continued relationship between him and OW.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hopefulone1 said:


> I want to make it clear that I'm not interesting in reconciling at all. Part of what's been good about this whole experience is getting a grip on myself and realizing that I don't want to be with someone who would make such unhealthy and stupid choices. I just don't know how to move ahead with the divorce (which was supposed to be a mediated, nicey nice thing) when I'm dealing with this person who is lying to me. I'm all emotional now about discovering a continued affair and I'm not feeling at all nice and like, hey, let's have an amicable divorce, a point I had reached until I found this new information. We're supposed to be hosting a joint birthday party for our young child in two weeks. Meanwhile we haven't spoken for a month and I'm reeling with this new info about the continued relationship between him and OW.


You might need a lawyer after all, then. I wouldn't get a lawyer because you don't feel like being "nice," however; I'd get one because you have a strong sense that you cannot trust him. If you can't trust him, you need someone advocating for you and protecting your interests, and unfortunately that means paying a lawyer to be that person.

Sorry I haven't gone through your thread, but one thing you might be able to get by going through a lawyer is an agreement for "no overnights" and no meeting OWs until they're formally engaged or married. That's called a 'morality clause' and it's not uncommon to request. The laws on how far you can take this differ by state, but it's worth it to protect your child.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you posted the OW on cheaterville.com?


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## hopefulone1 (Mar 9, 2012)

Do you guys know about different custody arrangements? What are my options? I would like him to be able to see our child a lot, and am considering joint custody fairly seriously, despite the fact that he does not deserve it, because our baby deserves a father and he seems to want to be there. But I know there is a difference between physical and legal custody and a lot of other arrangements, but I don't know what they are.


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