# talked about Poly, another layer of my story



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Hi, many of you know of my situation. this is yet another layer to the story.

you all know by now my cheating girfriend in SF. She hid it for 3 weeks, came clean, begged to try and savage the relationship.


Let's take it back to yrs. I for the first time read into Poly relationships. The foundation of it at the time actually made some sense to me. I read a couple books, tons of articles on it over the span of 2 yrs. I had discussed it with my girlfriend many times. She was always completely against it. I never pushed for it, but suggested the entertainment of it many times. and she was against it everytime and was almost hurt that I was thinking along those lines. And it wasn't that she wasn't fullfilling me, she always has. and she ALWAYS has done anything to keep me happy. She is a rare find. But over 2 yrs I talked this talk like 30 times to her. . .wearing a spot into her head that this is something that I wanted even though she didn't. I know that I put this in her head albeit the biggest mistake of my life ever.

Fast forward to the days before sending her to SF for her 10 week school program we had both agreed that this would be a test. because we were confused at exactly where we were at. We deeply loved eachother, had some small issues but she never knew where I stood because of that kind of talk plus my damage from a relationship 8 yrs ago I was still reserved. she always wanted to get married and have kids and I would always immediately shut her down. this too weighed heavy on her.

So, she goes to SF with all of this on her mind. takes kind to a teacher, and ends up persuing this month long relationship. I felt something was up immediately and she did give me hints. she did mention the words open relationship and had feelings for someone. but never came out and said it till I got it out of her weeks later. So yes she did take the actions that she did but I feel largely responsible for what thoughts I put into her head over and over this is something that I might want. This is why I have been defending her to a degree. you all don't know the whole story.

And of course, this was the worst traumatic experience of my life. How could I be so stupid. The love of my life, and I go and pursue something like this. I have never regretted anything so bad in my life. I should have given my whole heart to her 2 yrs ago. I should have married her 2 yrs ago. she is a good woman. She is beautiful, talented, musician, singer, piano player, and now a programmer. and she loved me more than any person has ever come close to. I ****ED UP TOO. and I have been backpeddling for a month how wrong I was and how right she was and that I could never share her with another person just like how for 2 yrs she could never ever imagine sharing me with another woman.

This almost destroyed us. But she wants to try and salvage this. and so do I. in a twisted way the entire thing makes sense. this is completely out of her character. never done this before. She was almost trying to please me in entertaining this lifestyle. Like I said she gave hints and when I started feeling like something was going on, I had an awakeing of all my realizations of how wrong I was. . . .and started spilling my heart out for her. when I started doing that, then she felt even worse and couldn't bring herself to tell me right way. the more I poured out my true love for her, the deeper she couldn't bare herself to tell me and didn't know how till it finally all came out. and she balled her eyes out never wanting to hurt me, wanting to make it up etc etc.

So, I am a bad guy too. I really messed with her head inadvertantly. I was just as naive and dumb too. I made poor choices also. it's a deep regret that I may never get to make up for. well, we both have our work cut out for us to put this back together, if possible.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sigh......


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Lawrence79 said:


> But over 2 yrs I talked this talk like 30 times to her. . .wearing a spot into hershe always wanted to get married and have kids and I would always immediately shut her down. this too weighed heavy on her.
> 
> 
> And of course, this was the worst traumatic experience of my life. How could I be so stupid.
> ...


Be careful what you drill into someone.

You wanted poly you got it- you just did not have control over it.

She heard you over and over and then went poly on you.


Why are you so upset?
Cause she did not ask your permission?


----------



## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Break up with your GF, stop jerking off to multiple partner porn all the time, go into therapy. Then start another relationship where you don't have all this BS baggage to deal with.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

And stop starting new threads for every little thing that pops into your head. Keep it all in one thread so it makes more sense to everyone. Or is the not what you really want?


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Try reading _The Truth_ by Neil Strauss


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

STOP THIS KIND OF THINKING Lawerence... 

That is self deprecating thinking and self attack...its one thing to bring up a subject several times, but each she shut you down...its still another thing to CHEAT and that si hat you have ....screw her mention of open-relationship, she was justifying your actions...that is crap and you know it....stop that thinking...she messed up regardless of the thought you placed in her head the ultimate responsibility lies with her. All your doing right now is shift-blaming with your self....that is crap...we all own our decision to cheat or not to cheat. what she did was not open the door to open relationships what she did was cheat. Dear god man stop this. 

let me ask you this...would it make a difference if she was married going out there...would a ring on her finger stopped her? Give her some credit....she did this on her own. 

whether you marry her or not is up to you...but you can't own what is not yours and her actions are not yours...but i will clearly tell you right now, you are not ready for a poly-relationship.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

sandcastle said:


> Be careful what you drill into someone.
> 
> You wanted poly you got it- you just did not have control over it.
> 
> ...


Because what she did was cheat. That was not poly. She did not ask or disclose to him when she began to pursue this person, which is contrary to the whole idea of open and FULLY CONSENSUAL relationships that poly is about.

If the mechanics of how such relationships work were never part of the discussion the OP had with her, then perhaps she can be excused for violating the principles of poly. Now there's a mess to deal with, that would not usually occur if there had been a real conversation and discussion about what poly is, and how the people considering it want it to work for them.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also replied to your post in the "Swinger Lifestyle" thread but lets keep the rest contained to this thread from now on. 


First off let's stop all the dribble and smoke and mirrors and head games. This does not have Jack Squat to do with polyamory or alternative lifestyles or anything like that whatsoever. None. Notta. Zilch. 

She got horny, had a crush on some older dude that had some status, and she dropped her drawers and had a thang. 

That's it. That's what it was. No more and certainly no less. 

She got down with some other guy because she wanted to. 

Nothing to do with you. You had nothing to do with it at all. She wasn't even thinking of you as she sucked his......... well, you know what I mean. 

She's a garden variety cheater. It's no more complicated than that. 

Now she's leaving and coming back home and she won't be with her lover-man any more. Now she simply wants a soft place to land and monkey-swing back home without losing any of her companionship or date nights or someone cuddling up to her telling her how cute she is. 

You are simply her fall-back guy that she keeps on the shelf while she is away getting it on with other guys in school that she takes off the shelf when she is back home and it is convenient for her. 

Polyamorous lifestyles have nothing to do with this and your discussions had nothing to do with this. She would have still screwed the guy even if you had never mentioned poly. She would simply be using a different excuse now. 

She is just using your poly discussions as a way to gaslight you and deflect your attentions away from her being a h0. She is just grabbing at excuses and trying to make your discussion as a get-out-jail-free card. 

Stop being dumb and gullible and stop trying to make this into something you did or that you were a part of. His penis did not enter her vagina while you were home faithfully waiting her return because you had talked about some alternative lifestyle in the past. They got it on because they were horny, they wanted to and because neither had the character to not do it. 

Pull your head out of your butt so you can see this for what it is. It is some gal with loose character cheating on her boyfriend while she is out of town and then wanted him to keep telling her she is cute and to keep taking her to the movies on Sat night until she finds another guy she is hot for.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Because what she did was cheat. That was not poly. She did not ask or disclose to him when she began to pursue this person, which is contrary to the whole idea of open and FULLY CONSENSUAL relationships that poly is about.
> 
> If the mechanics of how such relationships work were never part of the discussion the OP had with her, then perhaps she can be excused for violating the principles of poly. Now there's a mess to deal with, that would not usually occur if there had been a real conversation and discussion about what poly is, and how the people considering it want it to work for them.


That was my question- 
Cause she did not get your permission?

So- let's say she calls OP and says- hey Babe- met a hottie in SF and want to go poly-

Are we assuming OP would have been ok with that phonecall and request?

Maybe OP can chime in.

Does going poly mean both partners vet the new FBuddie before giving the go ahead?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

sandcastle said:


> That was my question-
> Cause she did not get your permission?
> 
> So- let's say she calls OP and says- hey Babe- met a hottie in SF and want to go poly-
> ...


Yes, I'd like to hear what OP says, too. However, the difference in what you are suggesting is that he would be INFORMED, and has a chance to CONSENT or OBJECT, with an opportunity to express any correlating consequences.


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

She cheated on you. Quit making excuses for her merely because you have chosen to reconcile.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes, I'd like to hear what OP says, too. However, the difference in what you are suggesting is that he would be INFORMED, and has a chance to CONSENT or OBJECT, with an opportunity to express any correlating consequences.


I hear you but if my SO was jamming the virtues of Multiple partners down my throat, refusing to marry me- I might be inclined to say- here ya go!

How does poly feel now, Mr. Man.?


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

syhoybenden said:


> And stop starting new threads for every little thing that pops into your head. Keep it all in one thread so it makes more sense to everyone. Or is the not what you really want?


I didn't know that was the right way. im sorry. not intentional.


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> I hear you but if my SO was jamming the virtues of Multiple partners down my throat, refusing to marry me- I might be inclined to say- here ya go!
> 
> How does poly feel now, Mr. Man.?


I agree. you're right. i'm not proud of it. a deep painful regret.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Primrose said:


> She cheated on you. Quit making excuses for her merely because you have chosen to reconcile.


Yeah you are just using this as your own justification to welcome her back with open arms and to delude yourself into thinking she is a good person and viable girlfriend material. 

She's just another cheating chick. She simply used your own words against you. 

If you had never brought up the poly she would have said that you weren't calling her enough and showing enough investment in the relationship while she was gone. 

It's just a head game she played on you and that you are now playing on yourself to try to convince yourself that your relationship is still viable. 

Stop that.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think we're getting to the point where the chance of saving this relationship is pretty low. You're not married, you hounded her about opening your relationship, she goes away and gets drugged/raped, and has an affair with a teacher. Is there a path forward? I'm not seeing it. In the short term, maybe, but this relationship has too many flaws for it to succeed. Very likely the future will be filled with these types of problems over and over. Stick it out if you like drama, but then accept it for what it is. Don't bother getting advice to fix it.

I know you have strong feelings for her, but you will be much happier moving on and finding someone else. And likely, she will too. There's too much baggage. Better to face reality and find better paths than keep trying to save something that might not be fixable.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Lawrence79 said:


> I agree. you're right. i'm not proud of it. a deep painful regret.


So move past her poly in whatever form- chuck the whole poly concept cause it hurts and marry the woman you profess to adore and find a hobby.
Like rescuing dogs or feeding homeless people.


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes, I'd like to hear what OP says, too. However, the difference in what you are suggesting is that he would be INFORMED, and has a chance to CONSENT or OBJECT, with an opportunity to express any correlating consequences.





sandcastle said:


> That was my question-
> Cause she did not get your permission?
> 
> So- let's say she calls OP and says- hey Babe- met a hottie in SF and want to go poly-
> ...


all I ever did was entertain the idea which made a lot of sense to me for too damn long.. Even if she DID call ahead of time being fully transparent like poly is supposed to be, I still would have lost it and been very upset and not wanting it to happen. like i said I really had a skewed way of looking at it and now paying the price of it. there is no way I could ever go poly. I was all talk. the second it happened my heart exploded with too many emotions.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

I admire your ability to be honest and admit that the woman you love is too precious to share.



Sometimes we find out the hard way but you appear to be capable of owning your own **** in this debacle. If she can and it sounds like she has- move on and build a life based on integrity and commitment.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And for future reference in case you ever want to have this poly/open relationship/swinging discussion again. Here is a fact of life you need to be aware of -

Even the most homely chick will have unlimited opportunities to have a side piece outside of a regular relationship. 

Guys will line up from miles around to be the extra schlong. 

But even a very good looking, successful and charming guy will have a hard time finding even one half way acceptable woman that knowingly agrees to be his side piece. 

The reason so many men cheat as opposed to being in open or poly relationships is that it is many times easier to tell a woman you aren't happy at home and will be leaving your relationship soon and get her to hook up with you than it is be upfront and honest and say that you are happy in your relationship/marriage and have her agree to be your side piece. 

Honest to God, in my swinging days I knew guys that had their wives blessing to take on a side piece and they even enjoyed hearing some of the stories of their hook ups and such, but the guys were lying to the other women and were telling them that their wives didn't know and that they were unhappy at home. 

I don't condone that kind of manipulation and deception and it is kind of like a fake affair, but it just shows how opposed women are about being a secondary side piece. 

Here's another cold fact of life on open/poly relationships for men, if you are going to have an open relationship with a side piece, you are going to have to accept that your side piece is going to have to a whole lot less attractive and squared away than what you can get for a legitimate relationship. 

Let's break down the numbers.

If you are a 7, you can realistically expect to get at least a 6 as a steady GF and unless you have some kind of gig against you, you should be able to get a 7. And if you have some kind of special skill or are very charming and personable etc, you may even get an 8. 

But if you are going to be in some kind of open relationship and get an ongoing side piece, you are going to be lucky if you get a 5 to agree to that arrangement. maybe a 6 if her boyfriend just dumped her and she needs some immediate ego strokes. 

conversely, if your GF is a 7 and you open the relationship for a stud or two on the side for her, she's going to have Chippendales lining up for a turn. 

She'll actually have more opportunity for hot studs charming her and schmoozing her than if she was single. 

Super studs don't really want their own chicks; they want to bang yours and then send them home to you to have you rub their feet and change their flat tires in the middle of the night and do all the other things that boyfriends are supposed to do.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lawrence79 said:


> all I ever did was entertain the idea which made a lot of sense to me for too damn long.. Even if she DID call ahead of time being fully transparent like poly is supposed to be, I still would have lost it and been very upset and not wanting it to happen. like i said I really had a skewed way of looking at it and now paying the price of it. there is no way I could ever go poly. I was all talk. the second it happened my heart exploded with too many emotions.


You talking about poly may be your GF excuse because you are allowing it. Something you are now blaming yourself and wrongly. Your GF did the deed. 

Of the several threads you have started, one admission sticks out. You have spent a better part of 2 years dodging the commitment to marriage(correct me if I'm wrong). Do you think this played a part in your GF actions?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Even the most homely chick will have unlimited opportunities to have a side piece outside of a regular relationship.
> 
> Guys will line up from miles around to be the extra schlong.


Truth!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> She'll actually have more opportunity for hot studs charming her and schmoozing her than if she was single.
> 
> Super studs don't really want their own chicks; they want to bang yours and then send them home to you to have you rub their feet and change their flat tires in the middle of the night and do all the other things that boyfriends are supposed to do.


And FWIW, this is exactly what has happened here. This dude was more than happy to bang her but you don't hear him pleading for her to stay there with him do ya?

Has he called you and told you to back off and accept that he is now the man in her life? 

Is he texting her dozens of times a day proclaiming her his love? Is he leaving heart rending voicemails on her phone pleading with her to stay with him in SF??

No, he's grading her papers and handing them back to her pretending nothing happened. He got what he wanted and now he's sending her back for you to deal with the fallout.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lawrence79 said:


> all I ever did was entertain the idea which made a lot of sense to me for too damn long.. Even if she DID call ahead of time being fully transparent like poly is supposed to be, I still would have lost it and been very upset and not wanting it to happen. like i said I really had a skewed way of looking at it and now paying the price of it. *there is no way I could ever go poly. I was all talk. the second it happened my heart exploded with too many emotions.*



But...poly never happened. As others have said, poly involves agreement to be poly, discussion of and agreement to rules and boundaries, and consent. You didn't experience poly in your relationship. You experienced straight up cheating.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lawrence79 said:


> all I ever did was entertain the idea which made a lot of sense to me for too damn long.. Even if she DID call ahead of time being fully transparent like poly is supposed to be, I still would have lost it and been very upset and not wanting it to happen. like i said I really had a skewed way of looking at it and now paying the price of it. there is no way I could ever go poly. I was all talk. the second it happened my heart exploded with too many emotions.


These things require small steps, from which you can back off before major damage is done. The reality is usually very different than theory - a great idea does not always execute well in real life for everyone, even when you are seemingly well prepared. Most people who pursue poly like the concept, but find that they can't deal with jealousy issues. And some people just seem to be poly by nature, and take to it like fish to water. Most are somewhere in between - just as happens with any other relationship. Anyway, she dove in without consent, and arguably this was cheating, not poly. We've been poly for many years, but were only actively engaged with others early in our relationship. For us, it worked out very well (just a few rough spots that we worked through together), and we have no regrets - only good memories and lasting friendships. We'd consider it again if the right person(s) came along, and of course we now have actual experience to guide us.


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> You talking about poly may be your GF excuse because you are allowing it. Something you are now blaming yourself and wrongly. Your GF did the deed.
> 
> Of the several threads you have started, one admission sticks out. You have spent a better part of 2 years dodging the commitment to marriage(correct me if I'm wrong). Do you think this played a part in your GF actions?




I feel all of this is related and connected. yes. for years I shot her down and barely even listened to her on the subject. not feeling very loved. although I love her tremendously, it was just that I was in a marriage for 60 days. yes, 60 days and she left. so I felt so ashamed that I coudn't make a marriage last 60 days, after that I swore I would never marry again. But this girl has always been marriage material. since the day I met her. I have always known.


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> But...poly never happened. As others have said, poly involves agreement to be poly, discussion of and agreement to rules and boundaries, and consent. You didn't experience poly in your relationship. You experienced straight up cheating.


yes, I thought I said that. it was not transparent, it was not open, it was not honest. so yes, it was cheating.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lawrence79 said:


> yes, I thought I said that. it was not transparent, it was not open, it was not honest. so yes, it was cheating.


If you recognize that, why do you still say she's marriage material? She's not. You had a 60 day marriage and now this. I think your mate selector may be broken.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, you need to get some counseling. I do not know your whole story, but from the bits and pieces you have offered and then expanded on, you could really use some professional help. You are holding onto some issues from a short marriage (how long was the run up?) from over 8 years ago, refuse to marry or commit to THIS woman but tried to talk her into a poly relationship, then when she went away and cheated (also not a great sign for the future) you freaked out, wanted to hire a PI and now blame your self. You are all over the place. rather than focus on saving a relationship that sounds doomed to fail anyways, why don't you take some time to save your self?
I don't mean to come across as harsh, but seriously you have bigger fish to fry than this cheating woman and your desire to have a poly relationship (without letting her have one)


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

These words, this revelation.
Popped the vaunted bubble, that I so carefully place you on.

I should have known, I should have seen. Seen the sudsy tale ready to tear.
Seen your pointed, forked tail, sliding ever so slowly down one trouser leg.
Til it met that 'zero mean curvature', breaking the bubble, tumbling you down to where plain folks breathe commoner air.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> And for future reference in case you ever want to have this poly/open relationship/swinging discussion again. Here is a fact of life you need to be aware of -
> 
> Even the most homely chick will have unlimited opportunities to have a side piece outside of a regular relationship.
> 
> ...


Not my experience at all. Among poly circles, im always getting far more attention than my wife is. Those arbitrary numbers we assign ourselves (sexual market value) are determined just as much by the person advertising them as by the person judging them. A "10" who is not perceptive or aware is no harder to manipulate than a "5". But polyamory has little to do with "getting laid".

What you describe doesnt sound like polyamory. Its not the same thing as swinging or random hookups. 

What OPs wife did was just cheating. Simple as that.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I can see how she would be utterly confused about what a relationship means to you.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lawrence79 said:


> Hi, many of you know of my situation. this is yet another layer to the story.
> 
> you all know by now my cheating girfriend in SF. She hid it for 3 weeks, came clean, begged to try and savage the relationship.
> 
> ...


Bull****..


By.


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Ynot said:


> OP, you need to get some counseling. I do not know your whole story, but from the bits and pieces you have offered and then expanded on, you could really use some professional help. You are holding onto some issues from a short marriage (how long was the run up?) from over 8 years ago, refuse to marry or commit to THIS woman but tried to talk her into a poly relationship, then when she went away and cheated (also not a great sign for the future) you freaked out, wanted to hire a PI and now blame your self. You are all over the place. rather than focus on saving a relationship that sounds doomed to fail anyways, why don't you take some time to save your self?
> I don't mean to come across as harsh, but seriously you have bigger fish to fry than this cheating woman and your desire to have a poly relationship (without letting her have one)


I actually have my head on pretty straight. Yes, you only have bits and pieces of info. I have had a life coach, the same one for 8 yrs. I had intensive counseling the first yr and then it's only been like 2 times a year since until a few weeks ago. I didn't realize till a month ago all these things that were locked away and I was holding onto stuff. I thought it was all healed but some of it wasn't. the poly thing, was just misguided. But I can see how you can come to some of your conclusions, not harsh at all. all good.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BS, she didn't do it because you mentioned poly relationships -- she did it because she wanted to and thought you would never find out. REALLY need to stop TRYING to make up excuses for her just so you can keep the relationship. Either keep it or not, but STOP trying to make up excuses for it.


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She cheated. There was no open relationship here. What she was doing was manipulating you so that she could spend time with her boyfriend.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You both had fundamental differences in how you viewed the future of the relationship. How you viewed relationships at all! 

Yes, she cheated. I'm not excusing that. 

But IMO you were not compatible to begin with.

Confusing messages creates confusion.

And you should have mentioned all this in your first post.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Let her go and start fresh with another. Hopefully you've learned something from this.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Lawrence79 said:


> But this girl has always been marriage material. since the day I met her. I have always known.


So then why would you want to (poly) ***** her around to other guys?? Well, you finally got what you wanted. Are you happy now?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, my word.

It's time for one of Matt's analogies.

This is like someone thinking:- "Say, now! I have just found out about a kink called copryphagia! Call me silly, but I would love to try that!

"I'll just prepare myself a special sandwich and chow down on it!"

And then projectile vomit and shout: "Oh, damn! It tastes like ****!"

:wtf:

However you are responsible for your stuff, she is responsible for her stuff, such as the cheating.

You mention polygamy. Is this in the context of an out dated 1960s hippy vibe or an even more out dated fundamentalist Mormon vibe?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lawrence79 said:


> I feel all of this is related and connected. yes. for years I shot her down and barely even listened to her on the subject. not feeling very loved. although I love her tremendously, it was just that I was in a marriage for 60 days. yes, 60 days and she left. so I felt so ashamed that I coudn't make a marriage last 60 days, after that I swore I would never marry again. But this girl has always been marriage material. since the day I met her. I have always known.


I believe you need some counseling. It appears you have come upon many revelations about yourself that needs sorting. As for the GF, I would cut ties.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I thought poly is where more two people live together as in more than one wife or husbands. What you’re talking about sounds like swinging.
Right?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I thought poly is where more two people live together as in more than one wife or husbands. What you’re talking about sounds like swinging.
> Right?


Yes, that's why I asked for a clarification on the type of polygamy involved.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

This is just the excuse du jour so you can justify things to yourself before making another very bad decision. People do this all the time ... they simply can't get out of their own way and make the same mistakes over and over. 

After all of this over-thinking, you're still hell bent to do the wrong thing. Maybe you two really do belong together, rather than messing up two other peoples lives for them.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So is she home yet?
Since you have been forcefully denying a future with her, it sounds like she has conciously or subconsciously given up on any future with you.
I think you need to make it clear you really thought she would be a wonderful wife but now you have no idea what the situation is. You also need a different kind of poly.
You need to find out if she has told you all the truth and if there are other indiscretions.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, that's why I asked for a clarification on the type of polygamy involved.


I'm pretty sure he's talking about polyamory.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sandcastle said:


> Be careful what you drill into someone.
> You wanted poly you got it- you just did not have control over it.
> She heard you over and over and then went poly on you.
> 
> ...


i agree here. you GAVE HER PERMISSION to cheat by pushing it over and over. Then, she finds herself in a situation where it might easily happen (in a bar far from home) and she says...well why not try? He WANTS me to anyway.

So you should be happy. she is a horny sexy woman, and is open to doing all the sexual things you want her to do. 

You probably should apologize to her, and discuss exactly what sexual boundaries you want to have moving forward.

Its your can of worms you opened with all this, so you might as well have a good fishing trip.

one way you can approach this, tell her initially it shocked you, but as time went by her cheating on you turned you on, so you want to discuss it further.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> You need to find out if she has told you all the truth and if there are other indiscretions.


well since he bit her head off when she mentioned one instance....odds are she did a lot more that he has not heard about. It is not too late to discuss it.

Maybe she did not like it, after trying it out, and wants only a monogamous relationship from here on out.

Maybe she LOVED it, and is just confused he flipped out, and does not know what the heck is going on now....


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Bull****..
> 
> Bye.


CH, 

Too many words, a wall of text.
Split your reply post into paragraphs!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When she was with the instructor.

She tilted back her head, the beautiful plumage on her head followed suit.
From her beak she murmured. "Poly?"

The prof. thought, yes, I can cracker.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Not being mean but asking this gently, was the date rape/ sexual assault a lie then? I ask because in your other thread you mentioned that SHE may have been for it.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The bottom line is you had something good you consistently undermined it. More by refusing security of a true relationship (which is what women crave), but then indicated to her that she wasn't even enough in bed that you needed others in bed. Since men crave sex and she wasn't enough this would also be soul crushing. 

This doesn't give her the right to cheat. You may now make a great mate. I don't believe she is necessarily untrustworthy (of course maybe she is). She may make a great mate to someone as well. I don't see you two together, the amount of emotional damage on both sides is too great. 

You could try counseling but the thoughts that you are rightfully feeling are truly hard to let go. Her doubts about being you loving her wanting her and being enough will be hard for her to put aside. This will always be there for both of you.

Mentioning something 30 some times is more than just thinking about it. I do question what brought on these thoughts? If it is porn then I'd highly recommend cutting that out if you want a healthy relationship with any girl.

I wish you luck. It sounds like you have just had a really hard lesson. Continue your IC if it is helping you deal with the past. Did you bring up her desire to have a commitment to you IC? Your resistance to it and why? Before I mean?


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, that's why I asked for a clarification on the type of polygamy involved.


yea, I meant polyamorous not polygomy


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

anastasia6 said:


> The bottom line is you had something good you consistently undermined it. More by refusing security of a true relationship (which is what women crave), but then indicated to her that she wasn't even enough in bed that you needed others in bed. Since men crave sex and she wasn't enough this would also be soul crushing.
> 
> This doesn't give her the right to cheat. You may now make a great mate. I don't believe she is necessarily untrustworthy (of course maybe she is). She may make a great mate to someone as well. I don't see you two together, the amount of emotional damage on both sides is too great.
> 
> ...



everybody on this site uses so many damn abbreviations and I never know what the hell they stand for. IC???????????

and yes I resonate with what I do understand.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

IC individual counseling


----------



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> So is she home yet?
> Since you have been forcefully denying a future with her, it sounds like she has conciously or subconsciously given up on any future with you.
> I think you need to make it clear you really thought she would be a wonderful wife but now you have no idea what the situation is. You also need a different kind of poly.
> You need to find out if she has told you all the truth and if there are other indiscretions.


she comes home tomorrow. much has been identified. I see the bigger picture and understand how everything lead up to where it did. I stopped my denial, she stopped her giving up. this was a wake up call. and we are not open relationship polyamorous material. I have asked every question under the sun and learned answers to questions I didn't want to know if regards to this quick relationship. She agreed to a polygraph with anything. I believe her to be honest. and have contacted a polygraph place locally to go through with if if necessary.

so yes, we are going to talk and wok on this. and I could give a flying f*ck about what the naysayers think. You can't cram 4+ yrs on information into a page of explanation. no one knows like I know. if it were character of her she'd be gone. this happens again, gone. this is the first time and I truly believe it's the last. but if not I will not hesitate the next time. if truly genuine, every human being deserves a second chance.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

*talked about Poly, another layer of my story's*

I agree it probably isn't in her nature but that doesn't mean it will work. She undermined your trust and confidence. I'm sure you've undermined her self esteem. She has probably done things she doesn't want to do to try to be worthy. Eventually this avoiding commitment builds resentment and four years is plenty of time. So you want to work it out? You going to step up and offer marriage ( you know after you talk and are sure she's legit) or you just gonna use this as an excuse to continue to leave her hanging?

You have every right not to marry a cheater. You probably should kick her to the curb. But, it is cruel to continue on the way of the past. Of course now that she can get a good job and we know she sexually pleasing you may find she gets a little self esteem and doesn't leave it up to you.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So how did the face to face go?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Lawrence79, any updates? How did it go when she got back? How are you doing now?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Because what she did was cheat. That was not poly. She did not ask or disclose to him when she began to pursue this person, which is contrary to the whole idea of open and FULLY CONSENSUAL relationships that poly is about.
> 
> If the mechanics of how such relationships work were never part of the discussion the OP had with her, then perhaps she can be excused for violating the principles of poly. Now there's a mess to deal with, that would not usually occur if there had been a real conversation and discussion about what poly is, and how the people considering it want it to work for them.


You will never convince folks on this board of the difference.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence79 said:


> Hi, many of you know of my situation. this is yet another layer to the story.
> 
> you all know by now my cheating girfriend in SF. She hid it for 3 weeks, came clean, begged to try and savage the relationship.
> 
> Let's take it back to yrs. I for the first time read into Poly relationships. The foundation of it at the time actually made some sense to me. I read a couple books, tons of articles on it over the span of 2 yrs. I had discussed it with my girlfriend many times. She was always completely against it. I never pushed for it, but suggested the entertainment of it many times. and she was against it everytime and was almost hurt that I was thinking along those lines. And it wasn't that she wasn't fullfilling me, she always has. and she ALWAYS has done anything to keep me happy. She is a rare find. But over 2 yrs I talked this talk like 30 times to her. . .wearing a spot into her head that this is something that I wanted even though she didn't. I know that I put this in her head albeit the biggest mistake of my life ever.





If you read up so much on polyamory, why didn't you mention to her the most basic important rule (which she broke?): Honesty. 

And if you did, but she screwed up, then *she cheated*. You never had a polyamorous relationship to begin with.



SunCMars said:


> When she was with the instructor.
> 
> She tilted back her head, the beautiful plumage on her head followed suit.
> From her beak she murmured. "Poly?"
> ...


:rofl:


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lawrence79 said:


> all I ever did was entertain the idea which made a lot of sense to me for too damn long.. Even if she DID call ahead of time being fully transparent like poly is supposed to be, I still would have lost it and been very upset and not wanting it to happen. like i said I really had a skewed way of looking at it and now paying the price of it. there is no way I could ever go poly. I was all talk. the second it happened my heart exploded with too many emotions.


You don't "call first" with hey I want to bang this guy. That is not how open and honest works. It requires time, patience, processing...


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I thought *poly is where more two people live together as in more than one wife or husbands*. What you’re talking about sounds like swinging.
> Right?


Cohabitation is not a requirement or even very common in my circles. However it is indeed more love focused as compared to swinging lifestyle to which you compare it.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, that's why I asked for a clarification on the type of polygamy involved.


No, actually. Marriage is not even in it. I wonder why you continue to use that word. You, for one, have at least seen these terms discussed by people who actually engaged in the practice.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I looked up a few sites to have a look at the polyamory rules that keep it together (some rules are to be broken but not THESE ones, polyamory rules can mean the life or death of a relationship, trust is always on a tightrope), and now I find "be honest" as a rule is simply not strong enough. It needs to be: *"be transparent"* IMO.

Not sure if OP even had a good discussion about it with his GF, considering she brushed him off prior to the cheat.


----------

