# 2 years later, nothing changed



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

It's been a couple years since I've been in the site, there's been ups and downs, but right now out feels like it's about to spiral in a very negative way. Just wish things could be different. Get tired of the same old crap.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

What got better? What changed to make you feel like it is about to spiral out again? I quickly skimmed your old stuff. Still on the bottle? Self medicating never really helps, but it is hard not to turn to it I completely understand a feel you there. 

What can you change to make things better? Or what can you change just to switch up your routine? I notice I'm more of a creature of addiction. When I'm having issues I try to change something about my routine to throw off the same patterns and shake things up. Otherwise the pattern involves booze, pot, unhealthy eating habbits, and other reckless behaviours when I'm feeling down. But even when things make a turn for the better, my habits stay. 

Try thinking of what will make you happier when you wake up the next day when you are feeling weak. Will you be happier having drank all night? Or happier with yourself if you push through? Will you be happier with yourself if you stick to your patterns, or happier if you do something different?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I have actually adjusted my drinking significantly, I still drink, but much more limited amounts. I do worry that if things get worse that the drinking will as well. Especially since I want to actually continue to drink less as an aide to getting in better shape. 
There are changes occurring career wise, but not personal wise and it's just making our harder and harder to stick in this when nothing much changes in the marriage. 
When I said things improved, it was more about us being stop busy and focused on things outside of our relationship that there want time for negative things in the relationship. 
We recently had our longest sex drought of pour marriage and overall that had been very minimal in the past year plus.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Longest sex draught? Describe! A month, two, six? Yes it will adjust my answer. What has got in the way do you think?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Longest sex draught? Describe! A month, two, six? Yes it will adjust my answer. What has got in the way do you think?


3 months and less than an hour total in the past 5 months. Not the biggest issue, just an example of how it's gotten worse and how we agenda close to each other right now. It's happened due to us being very busy and having very little desire for her. 
Things are amplified now as we are both on vacation and at home more together, that rarely ever goes well.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Being busy is no excuse to neglect your spouse. That goes for both of you. It seems you are wanting a change without needing to put in the work on your part to spark that change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Weren't you going to divorce a few years ago and changed your mind? No children in this marriage? (Sorry if I've confused you with another poster).


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

gbrad said:


> It's been a couple years since I've been in the site, there's been ups and downs, but right now out feels like it's about to spiral in a very negative way. Just wish things could be different. Get tired of the same old crap.



- get a gym pass and train hard, lose that weight and gain muscle.
- no alcohol, no cigarettes, no tobacco, no recreational drug use, no high sugar drinks.
- get to your family doctors and get regular testosterone shots if you have low T levels.
- get around 7 hours of sleep each night


If your woman is in the mood, never turn her down. I don't care if you worked a 10 hour day. Sex is pleasure and not a chore. It relaxes you afterwards, raises test levels and you sleep better.


Who has the low sex drive?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Openminded said:


> Weren't you going to divorce a few years ago and changed your mind? No children in this marriage? (Sorry if I've confused you with another poster).


That was me.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Being busy is no excuse to neglect your spouse. That goes for both of you. It seems you are wanting a change without needing to put in the work on your part to spark that change.


Neither of us put in the work. We are more like roommates than partners.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Time for self control. Only water goes into your body from now on. Healthy foods from now on. You get into the best shape of your life. This is where all your focus goes. Start working on yourself first. Your marriage has been dead for a while, neither of you have the balls to pull the plug. Get healthy and strong, you'll have your confidence back in 6 months. Then you'll be ready to drop the dead weight and begin dating all of the beautiful women that await.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> gbrad said:
> 
> 
> > It's been a couple years since I've been in the site, there's been ups and downs, but right now out feels like it's about to spiral in a very negative way. Just wish things could be different. Get tired of the same old crap.
> ...


I don't think either of us has a low drive. My low drive is for her, not for sex. Sex is a minor issue to me in the marriage, but it does well to represent the marriage.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

GuyInColorado said:


> Time for self control. Only water goes into your body from now on. Healthy foods from now on. You get into the best shape of your life. This is where all your focus goes. Start working on yourself first. Your marriage has been dead for a while, neither of you have the balls to pull the plug. Get healthy and strong, you'll have your confidence back in 6 months. Then you'll be ready to drop the dead weight and begin dating all of the beautiful women that await.


You are right that I don't have the balls to end it. She doesn't want to end it. She does not support divorce and wants to stay together forever. 
My problem is I love her and don't want to hurt her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Then go have an exit affair. That will fix your issues and get you laid.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

GuyInColorado said:


> Then go have an exit affair. That will fix your issues and get you laid.


Never passed on an affair, also never had an opportunity for one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You either hurt her and divorce or you hurt yourself and stay. 

IIRC, she was overweight and that was a significant part of the problem. Is that still the case?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Openminded said:


> You either hurt her and divorce or you hurt yourself and stay.
> 
> IIRC, she was overweight and that was a significant part of the problem. Is that still the case?


That's part ood the attraction problem yes. And she is back yup to her heaviest. And you are correct about your first comment I know. I've wanted her to be the one to want to leave, but nope.


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Kick the booze, if you "try" to limit your drinking and fail to do so more times than not it's likely you have a problem with it.

If you can't easily go a week without drinking, then it's a crutch and you're using it to cope which is never good. Alcohol is really effective at killing stress and misery while you're in the process of drinking it, and only until you hit a certain point. But then it's a depressant and makes things exponentially worse. So you get maybe an hour or 2 of benefit then 22 hours of increased misery because of it. Meditation, mindfulness, self-care stuff is more effective at coping than alcohol, and much more beneficial mentally and physically.

Write down what you're not happy about in your life. Then create a road-map you can start implementing immediately towards alleviating it. I ignored my debts for a long time and it was making me miserable and physically ill. Finally one day I cut up all credit cards, did a full accounting of our debts and it was nauseating. But having it out in the open allowed me to accept reality then come up with a plan to begin digging out. So with no more credit spending every month I paid to the debts I saw the line drop, it was really satisfying and the depression it caused me began to lift too.

If your wife makes you miserable, write down why, then come up with a plan to fix it, or move on from it. Either way just acknowledging the real issues and working towards a solution will help immensely.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

gbrad said:


> That's part ood the attraction problem yes. And she is back yup to her heaviest. And you are correct about your first comment I know. I've wanted her to be the one to want to leave, but nope.


I have a family member who's been waiting decades for his wife to want to leave but she hasn't -- and won't. The best he can hope for at this point is to outlive her. And to be healthy if that happens (not very likely in his case).


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

username77 said:


> Kick the booze, if you "try" to limit your drinking and fail to do so more times than not it's likely you have a problem with it.
> 
> If you can't easily go a week without drinking, then it's a crutch and you're using it to cope which is never good. Alcohol is really effective at killing stress and misery while you're in the process of drinking it, and only until you hit a certain point. But then it's a depressant and makes things exponentially worse. So you get maybe an hour or 2 of benefit then 22 hours of increased misery because of it. Meditation, mindfulness, self-care stuff is more effective at coping than alcohol, and much more beneficial mentally and physically.
> 
> If your wife makes you miserable, write down why, then come up with a plan to fix it, or move on from it. Either way just acknowledging the real issues and working towards a solution will help immensely.


The alcohol currently isn't a real issue. I drink much less than I use to. I know all the issues with the wife, tried addressing them at times, she doesnt make them a big priority though. Honestly I have tried to improve on some things for her, but not overlyvsuxcessful either


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Well now things have changed. Thought there was going to be a positive conversation last night about the next step in our lives and instead it ending up feeling like the beginning of the end. It became about the failures of our marriage, how trying to create a family by having kids(hasnt happened after many years) had contributed to ruining our marriage. Went to bed last night feeling like the end. 
Usually i wake up the next day from issues and have renued hope and all is good. This time, all day, just feels different. 
Not sure what to do now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I thought you wanted her to be the one to leave so you didn't have to? Is that finally where she's at?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Jesus man. Don’t leave. It’s absurd. You have already wasted 2 years of your life. Just keep on keeping on, hoping that miraculously something will change. It might! Keep on dreaming the dream.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

gbrad said:


> Well now things have changed. Thought there was going to be a positive conversation last night about the next step in our lives and instead it ending up feeling like the beginning of the end. It became about the failures of our marriage, how trying to create a family by having kids(hasnt happened after many years) had contributed to ruining our marriage. Went to bed last night feeling like the end.
> Usually i wake up the next day from issues and have renued hope and all is good. This time, all day, just feels different.
> Not sure what to do now.


Buy her a car. Then take a trip with her.

Not sure what other advice anybody can give. :grin2:


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I tried for two years to make mine better. Wish I'd given up after just one, then I'd be a year past the worst of it by now.

IMO, if you see no improvements in a year, you just aren't going to see any.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> - get a gym pass and train hard, lose that weight and gain muscle.
> - no alcohol, no cigarettes, no tobacco, no recreational drug use, no high sugar drinks.
> - get to your family doctors and get regular testosterone shots if you have low T levels.
> - get around 7 hours of sleep each night
> ...


They both have the low sex drive...
A HD man wants constant relief, suffers anything to 'get' it.


An HD chap needs chap stick, friction dries out the chaps stick. It does!

No mention of this dry skin aid, just bland cool aid. 

Cold water, cold showers....lonely nights.

Or so it seems..



Typist II-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I have a family member who's been waiting decades for his wife to want to leave but she hasn't -- and won't. The best he can hope for at this point is to outlive her. And to be healthy if that happens (not very likely in his case).


This, a cruel statement.

Oh, so cruel.

One, that could strike home..

I comment, cannot more, the door open.

Open the door on this, roll out.



The Host-


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Openminded said:


> I thought you wanted her to be the one to leave so you didn't have to? Is that finally where she's at?


Well, she doesn't want to leave, just recognizes that it's not good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

gbrad said:


> Well, she doesn't want to leave, just recognizes that it's not good.


You've wanted out for years. I would think you'd be pleased that she recognizes that it's not good. Maybe she'll agree to work on it (assuming you can be attracted to her again) or she'll decide to divorce you -- if that's what you really want. At least the limbo would be done with either way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> This, a cruel statement.
> 
> Oh, so cruel.
> 
> ...



It's unfortunately realistic. I know of more than a couple of marriages among my family and friends where that's true. The people I know are rolling the dice. Maybe they'll win and maybe they won't. 

People who haven't been married forty or fifty years often look at very long marriages with admiration. And some of those marriages deserve it. Many don't. Mine was one of those marriages that was greatly admired. It looked wonderful from the outside. But it never was. I'm glad I'm finally out.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I drag this one out every-so-often for threads like this. I posted this nearly 6 years ago.



Amplexor said:


> Any one that knows my story will recall that my wife and I were in a very bad place a few years back, hit bottom, damn near divorced but journeyed to a very long but successful recovery. We are very strong as a couple today, committed and loving.
> 
> However our sexual drives are still a mismatch. We deal with the problem better than we used to but had made little progress. I understand my wife is in menopause which has lowered her previously high-drive. With menopause has come an increase in weight lowering her self esteem. And her job is very stressful leaving her exhausted at the end of the day. I am very empathetic to her feelings on all three but there are two people in the marriage.
> 
> A few months ago we had "that talk" again and again it took a familiar path. Stress, weight, drive... With empathy and respect I told her I understood all those reasons but that quite frankly she has done nothing to try and address them and that I didn't see this ever improving much over where it was today. I told we were going to try a different path this time. "For the next 60 days, I want you to submit yourself to me when I want sexual intimacy." My wife is extremely strong willed and independent of soul. Her icie blues flashed for a moment then she took her stare off of me, thought about it and responded, "That's not an unreasonable request." Initially she found it a bit awkward ("knowing she had to") but we settled into a very good pattern. My wife does enjoy sex when we get started so she was not being "dutiful" during it. Keep in mind, I am in my mid 50s so I'm not swinging wood five times a day any more. 2 or 3 times a week is more than sufficient for me. It put us in a good rhythm that has continued on passed the initial period. She has also begun to work out regularly and watching her diet more closely. When we went though our R one of the things we did was rebuild the foundation of the relationship and two areas we became much more successful at then we had been previously were communication and empathy. Both had a strong part in helping us improve this area of the marriage.


That was the last time we ever had to have the talk about a lack of sex in the marriage. Six years later and denials are very rare. She rarely initiates but the sex is intense and satisfying for us both. The conversation above and a change in strategy for me was what turned the tide on a poor sex life for 10+ years. It was finally clear to her how important it was to my happiness in the marriage. And the old saying "If momma ain't happy then nobody's happy." cuts both ways. My unhappiness in the marriage was impacting us both. This is not a direction you should take without serious consideration of where the marriage is. In our case, everything in the marriage was hitting on all cylinders except the sex life. So when I let her know that this issue was important to me and if not addressed would lead to other difficulties in the marriage, she listened. We had worked too hard on our reconciliation to not address this for good. It worked beautifully and has never been an issue since. If you elect to do this, think it through carefully. She may tell you to go **** yourself as I was aware my wife might. And there need to be consequences if things don't improve. Whether it's separation or divorce, a slow sink of the marriage or finding a **** buddy. If there are possible consequences, success will be limited if apparent at all. This is a serious issue in a lot of marriages for both men and women. And for some of us, sex is a requirement to be happy, not an added benefit. Good luck.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I am going to make a bunch of assumptions.. I am also going to assume that i am 100% right about everything:

You both need to undergo improvements/changes for yourselves and your marriage. Neither is doing it

Neither is taking the lead to change their own life and by proxy the other person... which will result in a better marriage
- You are both sitting there staring at the other wondering why they wont do anything yet neither is doing something themselves

If you at least fixed your drinking, and whatever other problems you have, and joined a gym to pack on muscle you would have increased your attractiveness to her (and many other females around you)

Everytime you are stressed about something in your marriage not working (or your own life) go to the gym a lift a heavier weight than the last time you stressed about that same thing.


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