# reconciliation or manipulation?



## nealy49 (Jul 11, 2010)

Four and a half months ago my husband said he wanted a divorce and moved out within the next four days. Basically he chose friends at the bar who had no clue that he was married, karaoke, and staying out until 3 in the morning. He had pretended that he was single for the 5 months previous to that.

We've communicated regularly on the phone and in person. Sometimes he wants to work at getting back together and then the next week he acts like I'm crazy for thinking we were working at anything. It's been an emotional roller coaster. Just when I think that I'm moving on and accepting the situation, he calls and all of the wants and insecurities pop back up.

We were just granted an uncontested divorce and a week later, on what would have been our tenth anniversary, he called to say he still loves me and wants to make it stronger! Then no followup.

Is he just manipulating? I've been thinking that he and I both need a month with no communication to get some perspective. 

Any advice or insight?


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

I think a lot of times it's just hard to let go. The reality of it probably scares him and he wants to do something to give himself some comfort by feeling it's not all lost. So he reaches out and says something to get that comfort for himself (which in turn gives you hope...which could be false hope...therefore leaving you feeling confused). He's solely doing this for selfish purposes (not to say he doesn't still love and care for you). He just needs to do this to feel okay for himself. 

Definitely limiting communication would help both of you. You won't be dealing with the mixed signals from him while you are already coping and adjusting to life without him. And then he too will be forced to do the same for himself. 

I don't necessarily think he's trying to be manipulative. Instead he's trying to give himself some comfort while trying to live without you. After 10 years, it can't be easy unless you completely despise one another.


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## nealy49 (Jul 11, 2010)

Thanks. You had some very profound advice. I didn't think about his comfort level.

I believe that a timeout for both of us to get our lives together is the best solution if he isn't ready to make an effort now.


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