# My story



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I tried reading the CWI forum when I first discovered that my Wife had cheated on me. Sometimes I could not.

I had suspected maybe November of last year. But I was not for sure and unaware of how to actively investigate. So I opened the lines of communication. Asked if there were issues and said if she had anything she wanted to tell me, I would understand. Married for 7 years and have a 4yr old.

We had to move for my job in Jan. In feb, she left her social networking site open and I took the opportunity to browse the private messages.  This is when my entire world collapsed. In '09 EA and in 2010 EA/PA and starting in AUG of last year EA that went PA.

I read some of the most horrible sexual remarks about how good he was and how sucky I was. That night I asked her to end contact. She did. 

I was humiliated, embarrassed, angry, sad, and a myriad of other things. I was not the most stable man for about three weeks.

I made an appointment for IC and MC, and we have both been doing MC since then.

It is real easy to make someone share passwords and allow checking. But what has worked better for me is to "chose to trust" i.e. No verification. Of course, I ask questions from time to time.

It is real easy for me to say "How could you do this to us?". And that is how I felt. But I instead realize that I was not the best husband. I also understand that I via my actions, made her vulnerable. I did not protect the marriage. So... I put the ingredients in the pot, she stirred. She is responsible for her actions, and I mine.

So for the first couple of months after discovery was rough. I wanted to know everything. Trust me when I say, there are some answers best left, unanswered. And for that reason, I did not ask questions like "where did you two go", or "is his **** larger than mine". While it is novel to know, it would be more damaging to me.

I understand that the sex was good with them and better with him because she did not want me, I had in my actions made myself unwantable. But blame can be laid anywhere and everywhere.

I changed myself. And we have had some honest discussions about expectations, honesty, boundaries, et cetera.

I can answer questions in followup if need be. But I post this in hopes that my story may give hope to others... in an attempt to give back to this community since I got some really good advice in the sex forum.

What has worked best for me:
1) Decide if to stay or walk, If stay, all in. 100%

2) Choose to trust. Do not verify and do not create a prisoner-prison warden relationship. The affair happened. 

3) Choose to forgive. Forgiveness is that the other person no longer has to pay for the sin.

4) Open and honest questions, new expectations. The old marriage is over. There is a new relationship now. 

5) Be patient. Allow her time to fall in love again.

6) The internet is full of bad advice, sometimes you come across good advice. Get a individual counselor (People are not usually equipped to handle this on their own) and get a marriage counselor (same as above... it would be hard to do this alone.

8) Mind movies - I found the best success in getting a space alone and allowing myself to think about them, and figuring out how I felt about them. It has been 4 months and I don't have them anymore. Triggers are gone too.

7) Realize that this is going to be hard. I will have good days and bad days. But sometimes something worth fighting for is going to be hard, and rough. And yes, it was hard and it hurt very much. But I'm happier now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would still be concerned about preventive maintence. What has she done to affair proof her marriage?


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> I would still be concerned about preventive maintence. What has she done to affair proof her marriage?


http://www.afterinfidelity.com/recovery/affair-proofing/

We went over this entire list, talked about each one. Discussed how affairs start innocently, et cetera. And we both exercise this, not just her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I did everything that you did. I never verified. It wasn't a choice to trust, it was what seemed normal and natural. Never occurred to me, essentially.

4 months ago my H sent me a text that was intended for the OW (same one). They had resumed contact about one month after they broke it off due to my accidental discovery the first time (via secret email acct left open on our computer). So that was 3 years MORE that the affair lasted.

This time I chose verification. It is not a permanent thing; it relieved the worst of my anxiety. I found a great MC who is well-trained inhandling infidelity. He is very familiar with the book in my signature. He told my H that verification was an important, key part of rebuilding trust. A way for my H to prove his loyalty.

Like you, I fully own my share of making our marriage vulnerable, well over 50%. Like you, I had been changing and continued to change. None of that prevented my H from giving in to the powerful compulsion of maintaining the fantasy that was the affair. (ETA: we went to 6+ mos MC; he was in the affair straight through, unbeknownst to me; ETA, none of that was enough for him to end it on his own.)

Am I correct that she cheated 3 separate times in 7 years? That is nearly half your marriage. She is a serial cheater and for you to take on as much blame as you have seems quite wrong to me. She is clearly damaged if she thought repeated breaches of marital boundaries was an appropriate way to deal with marital problems.

Just my view based on where I'm coming from. We are happily reconciled and recommitted, at this point 4 months out my H is falling in love with me again. (We've been married 15 years.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case it wasn't so much checking up on her as it was having the availablity to to so. What I mean is my fWW did the heavy lifting to verify and have accountablity for were and what she was doing.

Through her own actions I felt the security that she was remorseful and was making the life style changed that she needed to do for her and her marriage.

Make no mistake though, I was a very active member of the cheater police for 6 months when this all went down 2-1/2 yrs ago.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

From reading your thread I think that you are rug sweeping...

You are forgiving to easily and there are no real consequences for her multiple affairs...I think if you keep rushing things like this and if you keep trying too hard to "ger over it" there will soon be another (fourth) affair...

I hope I am wrong...


Good Luck


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I tried reading the CWI forum when I first discovered that my Wife had cheated on me. Sometimes I could not.
> 
> I had suspected maybe November of last year. But I was not for sure and unaware of how to actively investigate. So I opened the lines of communication. Asked if there were issues and said if she had anything she wanted to tell me, I would understand. Married for 7 years and have a 4yr old.
> 
> ...


Wow,good luck.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What did the DNA test say?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Sorry to hear your story. To me it sounds like you didn't deserve what happened to you, you seem like a nice guy. Maybe too nice?!
Please explain to me why some women think it's OK to go out and f*ck a few strange men, because their husbands might not be perfect. (same holds true for cheating husbands). Can anyone explain this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Bugz Bunny said:


> From reading your thread I think that you are rug sweeping...
> 
> You are forgiving to easily and there are no real consequences for her multiple affairs...I think if you keep rushing things like this and if you keep trying too hard to "ger over it" there will soon be another (fourth) affair...
> 
> ...


This is the course of action the my psychologist and our mc recommends on our situation.
I do see remorse and changes in her, and my eyes are opened to my surroundings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> What did the DNA test say?


Child is mine, no doubt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Sorry to hear your story. To me it sounds like you didn't deserve what happened to you, you seem like a nice guy. Maybe too nice?!
> Please explain to me why some women think it's OK to go out and f*ck a few strange men, because their husbands might not be perfect. (same holds true for cheating husbands). Can anyone explain this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


not entirely applicable to my situation. I will say im not so nice anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

7 years and 3 guys, so far. The future isn't very bright joey.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

keko said:


> 7 years and 3 guys, so far. The future isn't very bright joey.


The first two guys were verifiable text only. I never did mention what I did to contribute to the breakdown, but when I have more time, I will. Our families know, she told hers and I mine, not too much swept under.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I posted to offer hope, not for responses of discouragement. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I posted to offer hope, not for responses of discouragement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good that you exposed, that is critical. That is a major difference between what I did after DD#1 and what you've done. Many people are way too scared to do this, so kudos on that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Joey, speaking only for myself, it does not seem like much of a success story.

If you were posting two or three years from now, it might, but she just ended the affair four months ago in February, you have not verified she is not in contact with the other man, and it doesn't seem like enough time has passed that you would "accidentally" catch her if she had relapsed.

After all, she had three affairs in seven years, you only accidentally caught the most recent one four months ago after it had been ongoing for seven months.

Out of the past year, she has been in an affair longer than she has been out of one.

Come back in two years and tell us that this worked and it will seem like much more of a success.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The problem I see is that there are three men: THAT YOU KNOW OF. You don't know how many were before '09, if there were any. You just don't know. 

I wish you luck. You're going to need it. And, if she is determined, she will find a way to cheat again. They always do. No matter how much we expose to friends and family. You trusted that she wouldn't cheat the first time... and she did. You trusted that she wouldn't cheat the second time...and she did. You trusted that she wouldn't cheat the third time... and she did. You trusted that she wouldn't cheat the fourth time and....oh, wait, no fourth time yet.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with the psych and mc's suggestion. I know my husband's psychologist wouldn't have given that kind of advice. As a matter of fact, she told us both, point blank: if you don't want to be together, tell each other, and move on. But don't try to bury things like they never happened.


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## 2ndchanc81370 (Jun 13, 2012)

Thank you for your post FrustratedJoey. I believe everyone who is in this site has their own stories to tell. I want you to know that like you (and others here), I have my own share of infidelity from my husband. he had an affair with not just anyone, but my very own friend. While the affair is on-going, she was and continued to be my friend. This made the pain much worse for me. 

Your choice of saving your marriage is commendable. You are right. This site is not just to give advise, but to offer hope that even after all the cheating and lies, if you truly love each other -- there is hope. Good luck!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

So early in the marriage and she was cheating already. And she continued. With several men.

And you want to stay with her because?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aug said:


> So early in the marriage and she was cheating already. And she continued. With several men.
> 
> And you want to stay with her because?


Because he loves her. But sadly, she has limited respect for him. Or she would not have cheated several times.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I posted to offer hope, not for responses of discouragement.


 What you call hope, is rug sweeping. What you call discouragement, is the truth. 

What you accept as your fault, is standard cheater blame shifting, where you are held to a standard of perfection where the cheater is the judge. With her as the judge, you cannot win because she does not want you to win, since you being wrong means that she can cheat. Another fact that you ignore is that you are both responsible for problems in your marraige, but she is 100% responsible for her cheating. If there was a problem she should have worked to fix it or ended the marraige; ending the marraige would have awakened you and given you a chance to fix the marraige. Cheating never fixes a problem in a marraige.

Your wife cheated because cheating is fun. Studies show that most married people would like to cheat, but do not cheat due to respect for their spouse and out of fear of what would happen if they got caught. By cheating 3 times, she has show that she does not respect you, and that she does not fear being caught (and with good reason it appears).

For cheaters affair sex is always great sex and it is addictive like a drug. She may have ended the affair for now, but when she feels that she has you under control, she will probably cheat once more. Yours is a message of encouragement, for your to wife cheat again.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

TRy said:


> For cheaters affair sex is always great sex and it is addictive like a drug. She may have ended the affair for now, but when she feels that she has you under control, she will probably cheat once more. Yours is a message of encouragement, for your to wife cheat again.


Joey, 

Google this string: brain sex dopamine norepinephrine

What you'll find is that women who are screwing around on their husbands get a crack-like high that makes them crave affair sex. Affair sex is the most explosive sex. Furthermore, it's unprotected sex because of mood elevating chemicals in OM's semen. You probably are just looking at the tip of the iceberg.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Gosh. Now I really regret sharing my story. Look, I love her, so I decide to give her a chance. One chance. We are fixing the longstanding issues within our marriage. 

I'm not stupid, my eyes are open. I can not control her and I refuse to dehumanize her to the point of looking at her like a drug or sex addict. What she did was inexcusable, yes. At that same token she gets forgiveness this time. And she is owning up to it.

I made myself better, and I'm happy with new me. That part, is about me. For the rest, I'll hope for the best. If she does it again, I'll know. But for now, I want to enjoy my Wife and daughter. Life is too short for me to live like there is a hidden enemy that I have to constantly guard against. The best I can do it protect my marriage now, by being the man, standing by my expectations, and working this partnership out with her. 

I've already decided that if it happens again, I'll walk. I don't think I'll hurt as much, but I won't "wait for it" to happen again. I with the best of luck to everyone in here. I know there are people here going thru this, and it is hard. I know. I felt like dying at times. For those of you who left me a kindhearted response, thank you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you haven't ask for transparency in your marriage, how do you know she isn't still cheating?

You didn't know through two full long term affairs - so why do you think you'd know even now that she actually stopped ?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If it happens again----Hey Joey---It happened 3 times or more already---and the ONLY reason, you know, is cuz she slipped up.

The minute she starts to become bored---she will cheat again----

How do we all know---cuz this time, after 3 different men, over a number of years,---YOU DID NOTHING!!!!!

I am sure you told her, if you catch her again, you are gone---but beyond those words, there has been NO ACCOUNTABILITY---nothing, nada, zip.

She NOW knows she can cheat, and you will do nothing, so she will cheat again---but now she will cheat, and this time she will make SURE, you don't find out---guess what Joey---SHE KNOWS HOW TO DO THIS---she did it successfully for THREE, count em, 1, 2, 3, YEARS--------and all you did was NOTHING.

I understand you didn't sign on to be a parole officer, when you took vows, but when someone commits a crime, as in murdering a mge---there has to be SOME ACCOUNTABILITY.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I can not control her and I refuse to dehumanize her to the point of looking at her like a drug or sex addict. What she did was inexcusable, yes. At that same token she gets forgiveness this time. And she is owning up to it.


There may not even be such a thing as sex addiction or porn addiction. But the truth is, it doesn't need to rise to that level. There are many compulsions and bad habits that people have that aren't physiological addictions. When you see the damage that they do (gambling, shopping, affairs), does it really matter what we label them as lay people? The end result (almost impossible to stop without huge amounts of expert assistance) is the same.

We are collectively alarmed because it happened 3 separate times. If you become educated about infidelity, you learn that affairs can be due to problems in the marriage (with varying levels of shared fault) or problems that lie wholly inside the cheating spouse, or a combination of the two. Serial cheaters are always (I was going to say nearly, but have seen zero support for that) damaged people who may not ever learn to resolve their issues without resorting to their compulsion of choice.

We all wish you only the very best. These issues raised in your thread are based on collective knowledge, not bitterness. At least not in my own case, as our marriage is doing great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Joey- if you are still reading please read this. I get it. Your wife cheated. You are a smart guy. You looked at it logically and developed a plan of action. You are now happy with said plan and the way it makes you feel. You feel empowered. You feel like you have this monster by the tail and have taken a bit if control over the situation. You come on here and post your story for just a bit of validation. You get crap instead. You are unhappy- this is not what you expected. 

I am a smart guy too. Well educated - respected professional - the whole bit. But I was made a fool by the woman I loved too. I thought I had it under control- WRONG! Affairs and cheaters play by different rules than guys like us are used to. Your wife and my wife are not everything we think they are. Maybe it's the affair addiction- maybe its just the ugly side of human nature. My guess is that like my wife, your wife would be considered a good girl. My wife taught Sunday school while she cheated! Who knows why they do it. 

But here's the deal- the people on this site don't know you. They have no vested interest in your marriage other than maybe if we help one person our marriage difficulties will not have been in vane. All these people want to do is offer proven advice. Sometimes the truth is a hard pill. You can of course do whatever you want with the advice, but you probably posted here a little to see what everyone thought. Take a step back and reevaluate your plan. I know you want it to be all fixed but is your proximity to the problem clouding your judgement? I think so. 

In the long run, you and your marriage will be much better off if you implement the advice given here. I hope you take time to at least consider if. 

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

slater said:


> Joey- if you are still reading please read this. I get it. Your wife cheated. You are a smart guy. You looked at it logically and developed a plan of action. You are now happy with said plan and the way it makes you feel. You feel empowered. You feel like you have this monster by the tail and have taken a bit if control over the situation. You come on here and post your story for just a bit of validation. You get crap instead. You are unhappy- this is not what you expected.
> 
> I am a smart guy too. Well educated - respected professional - the whole bit. But I was made a fool by the woman I loved too. I thought I had it under control- WRONG! Affairs and cheaters play by different rules than guys like us are used to. Your wife and my wife are not everything we think they are. Maybe it's the affair addiction- maybe its just the ugly side of human nature. My guess is that like my wife, your wife would be considered a good girl. My wife taught Sunday school while she cheated! Who knows why they do it.
> 
> ...


Well said....


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

She's a serial adultress, She WILL do it again!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I can not control her and I refuse to dehumanize her to the point of looking at her like a drug or sex addict.


I don't even believe sex addiction exists. I think so-called "sex addiction" is merely doing what comes natural to the human body. Your wife has been making a conscious decision to enjoy the high that comes from elicit sex and sex talk. She likes it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I refuse to dehumanize her to the point of looking at her like a drug or sex addict.


 There is nothing dehumanizing in recognizing the human condition in all of us and acting accordingly with our wives. 

As humans, sex with someone new is usually more exciting than sex with the same person for many years; it does not matter how much you love that same person a new person has the advantage of newness. As part of the human condition, this sexual excitement releases strong doses of actual drugs into the brain. It is these sexual excitement induced drugs that we are talking about why we say that cheating is addictive like a drug because strong drugs are actually involved. 

Alcoholics stay away from alcohol (a drug) because they know that once they experience it they cannot resit it. Similarly, smart married people set boundaries such that they will not be put in the situation of experiencing sexual excitement brain drugs with a person other than their spouse, so they will not be tempted to cheat beyond their ability to resist. There are many good people that are alcoholics that live normal lives because they realize their weakness as humans and live accordingly. By you (the OP) discounting the possibility that she may have such a weakness when it comes to the sexual brain drugs, you are doing a disservice to both your wife and your marraige.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I think the most important thing to me is finding happiness that I can live with. I've done that. But there is nothing wrong with hedging a bet. I made an appoint for an individual session with my MC and I went to it. I made these concerns my own in that appointment. There is a plan to address accountability and to address potential therapy. I plan on making the latter a requirement. I reckon it just took a moment to swallow the pill presented to me here.

I am happy in the room I'm in. At the same time, I've taken steps today to further secure my happiness.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I think the most important thing to me is finding happiness that I can live with. I've done that. But there is nothing wrong with hedging a bet. I made an appoint for an individual session with my MC and I went to it. I made these concerns my own in that appointment. There is a plan to address accountability and to address potential therapy. I plan on making the latter a requirement. I reckon it just took a moment to swallow the pill presented to me here.
> 
> I am happy in the room I'm in. At the same time, I've taken steps today to further secure my happiness.


Joey, I do, sincerely, wish you luck. As others have posted, we have all been there. We have all implemented (or had implemented on us) various forms of verification (or lack thereof). The ones mentioned above by nearly everyone work. But, like with anything...if she wants to cheat, she will find a way.

I had 2 EAs. I was a horrible flirt. It was all online/cell/text/IM. Never in person. My first EA, my husband found chats/emails. He confronted me. I promised to never do it again. It was dropped... rug sweeping. Never watched my emails, never watched my texts, nothing... until about a year later, he saw some guy flirting with me, in a game, and I never shot him down. He was angry, but I didn't "get it". That wasn't my 2nd EA. That was some kid who was trying to flatter me. It never amounted to anything, but because I knew he was checking up, I put a password on my cell... shortly after the 2nd EA started. I swore it would never happen again, he believed me... and it did. He wasn't watching, and the behavior was still there, just latent. Trust but verify is the mantra here. And now, that is what I am doing with my husband. I do not know if he checks anything of mine, but it is all open to him. If he wants to see anything, he can. I am transparent to him, and he to me.

You don't have to go all ninja, watching her every move. But checking the phone bill occasionally.. monitoring texting/calls.... but also afford her the same. If she balks, there is likely reason to doubt. That's all we are saying. If hse has nothing to hide, then sharing these things should be a non-issue.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I made an appoint for an individual session with my MC and I went to it. I made these concerns my own in that appointment. There is a plan to address accountability and to address potential therapy. I plan on making the latter a requirement. I reckon it just took a moment to swallow the pill presented to me here


The critical thing with counseling will be the quality of the counselor. Someone who is pro-marriage and educated about infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Trust but verify is the mantra here. And now, that is what I am doing with my husband. I do not know if he checks anything of mine, but it is all open to him. If he wants to see anything, he can. I am transparent to him, and he to me.


Transparency should, as Maricha points out, be a two-way street. Lead by example. You are not her warden, you're her husband. There should be no secrets. It's not that big a deal when you have true trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Stopped in to offer a followup.

It is December. We are still reconnecting.

What has changed since the last time I posted here? I became the police and I am doing verification. I check everything there is to check. She believes I just see her email, but I see so much more than that. I actually investigate, and I have to be honest, I scower everything. *everything*. I continue to check, but it is the most exhausting thing I have ever done. And I find nothing. Not a drop. No affairs, flirting, anything out of the ordinary. For now she is playing by the rules.

Soon, I will have to stop checking, for my own health. I can't keep it up. It drains me. We are continuing counseling. 

When I do ask questions about the affair, from time to time when she is explaining how she was feeling, she will preface it with "I'm not blaming you for what happened" or "I'm not justifying this", et cetera. 

I am still taking the lead in my house. She knows that I feel things. I'm the man.

I also know that if I catch even a whiff of unfaithfulness, I'm gone.

The marriage is hard, but mostly I love her and I enjoy spending time with her. I remember why I married her. But to be honest, I don't know if this will be a success. Not solely because of the affair, but for other marriage related items. The affair just makes it harder to work thru things.

I don't know.

p.s. When I discovered the affair, I read that my Wife told the other man that he was better than me, and he was the only man to make her finish as hard as she did. Anyone know how I can swallow this so it does not screw with me from time to time???


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> p.s. When I discovered the affair, I read that my Wife told the other man that he was better than me, and he was the only man to make her finish as hard as she did. Anyone know how I can swallow this so it does not screw with me from time to time???


Have you addressed this with your WW?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You really need to ask her. Its time for THAT discussion. If you can stand to have it, that is. 

Don't want to beat a dead horse, but it's one thing to have an affair but a whole other thing to put down the betrayed spouse while doing it.

You may find out through an honest discussion that she was only stroking his ego. By the tone and spirit of your most recent post you seem to have lost a bit of confidence. 

You seem like a nice guy, your first post was full of hope. You may come to discover that even though your wife is faithful now, your love for her is waning. If that's the case don't feel guilty about ending the marriage. Give yourself credit for trying.

Is your marriage counselor experienced with infidelity issues? Bad and mediocre counselors can do more harm than good.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How long did she have these affairs ?

Having sex with other men, insulting you in the process while trying to impress them. That would be deal breaker for me. No respect, no marriage. Playing nice and remorseful after you get caught just isn't enough.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Affairs make everything hard. Simple problems are difficult. You may have gone to R too soon. That is a big problem because you forgive before the pain and anger is gone. It never comes out or goes away then.

Only when the pain is gone you can truely forgive.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It seems like you are still living in a an emotional prison complete the torture chamber to stay with her.

I'm curious why you are putting yourself through it? You old move on a find someone who would value and love you and not do what she chose to do to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> Stopped in to offer a followup.
> 
> It is December. We are still reconnecting.
> 
> ...


You know if you are a good lover or not. She told him that because thats the way women inflate mens egos. Even if she said something like that to a girlfriend you couldn't believe it becasue it would just be bragging and trying to one up the other women.

Do a little research and up your game, it aint rocket science. The biggest tell is that she dropped him not you.

Good luck and keep us updated.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Well, Joey...how often do you get hit on by other women. Do you ever catch them checking you out?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> p.s. When I discovered the affair, I read that my Wife told the other man that he was better than me, and he was the only man to make her finish as hard as she did. Anyone know how I can swallow this so it does not screw with me from time to time???


It is simply impossible to match the excitement of affair sex with sex within a long-term relationship. The great sex has nothing to do with his prowess or your lack thereof, it is simply the excitement of an illicit affair with a new lover. If you had an affair with a married woman she would feel the same about you.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> I also know that if I catch even a whiff of unfaithfulness, I'm gone.


This is the best attitude you can have to keep a WS from straying. I think most people cheat believe that if they get busted they would be able to talk the BS down from doing anything rash. If they really thought what they were doing was marriage ending they might have second thoughts.

I’m this way with my W as well, I let her know that I put up with and sacrificed too much of myself when I R’d with her and if she even thinks about another man she’s out the door with her clothes in trash bags. I have a zero tolerance policy now and this keeps her in line for sure. I don’t even worry about it today.



> When I discovered the affair, I read that my Wife told the other man that he was better than me, and he was the only man to make her finish as hard as she did. Anyone know how I can swallow this so it does not screw with me from time to time???


For a man, this is very disrespectful and I don’t think women fully understand that.

If you want to R, you simply are just going to have to not care and accept it. You are not the best lover in the world and guess what? Neither am I. I may or may not the best my W had but she may not be the best I had either. I’m average, I accept that I’m average and I don’t care anymore. Start focusing on what makes you happy and stop being too concerned about her.

Ironically, women tend to like men that focus on themselves more. Women seem more interested in pleasing men than having men please them. That’s one reason A sex is so good because they are getting off on impressing someone.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Jjoey ,

I can understand that you want to be trusting.
Deep inside, you are really not trusting and that is why you will need to verify if one more affair is up and running. Do you see the contradiction?
No one wants to be in a relationship that requires verification. If it is so, is that a relationship?

Good lucks to you. Only time will tell if your decision to trust was right.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> p.s. When I discovered the affair, I read that my Wife told the other man that he was better than me, and he was the only man to make her finish as hard as she did. Anyone know how I can swallow this so it does not screw with me from time to time???


Ouch.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Ouch.


This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

3putt said:


> This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.


Probably. But one thing that's certain is that I would deem her "Unworthy of his majesty's superior lovemaking". Let her stew on that while she's searching the internet forums for exercises to tighten that used up manhole.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by FrusteratedJoey
> 
> p.s. When I discovered the affair, I read that my Wife told the other man that he was better than me, and he was the only man to make her finish as hard as she did. Anyone know how I can swallow this so it does not screw with me from time to time???


She enjoyed sex more with OM than you because she lowered her sense of moral character and self esteem. Finishing harder with a person that you betrayed your spouse and CHILD with takes a lowering of self. In other words sexual excitement meant more to her than spouse and child did. Joey, you did not betray your spouse or child and you even are going the extra mile and trying to salvage the marriage. *That is a lot more character than getting your rocks off real hard.*

Joey, make a plan, if you have not already, to build your SELF up so that you get your manhood from yourself. In other words *reduce the amount of value that you put in your wife building up your manhood*. Your wife should not be the one that you put a lot of your self-worth in. You probably cannot take away all your wife’s affect on your self-worth but you can reduce it quit a bit. That will help you “swallow” the shyt that your wife did to you in word and deed.

Your wife has proven that she should not be trusted with building you up.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

3putt said:


> This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.


I must be stupid.. what kind of things do you expect they tell each other? That they are horrible lovers?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> Ouch.


What does she say about this remark?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, her saying this to/about the OM is no more than a good husband saying "no honey, those pants don't make your butt look big. LMAO


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