# Is a one night stand with prostitute cheating?



## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

I believe it is, but looking around the internet some people seem to think it's nothing..apparently because there were no feelings involved and it was just sex.

My husband of 8 years works out of town 5 days a week and returns home every weekend. In March 2012 I told him I was feeling very sick, kinda like a flu that wouldn't go away..but then I developed a rash and thought it was very strange. I made a dr's appoinment and when I told him about it he called me the very next day wondering what the dr had said..I, of course, suspected nothing. He was anxious, he sounded nervous..and when he finally came home that Friday night, he kept asking if I already knew what was wrong with me, what that rash was all about. He ended up breaking down and confessing that he'd gone a to a strip club down South and that he ended up sleeping with the prostitute. He swore up and down he used protection and we use a condom every single time for birth control..he said that he was very scared, cried like I'd never seen him before..he was obviously scared for himself as well. He said he'd never forgive himself if he gave me something..even though he used protection.
That was the most humiliating thing I've ever been through in my life..to go to the drs and request an HIV and STD test..it was mortifying and most of all sad because when I married I was a virgin, had never had sexual intercourse and of course never had to get tested for that.
The dr is the same who was my dr when both my kids were born and it was just sad to me. We had finally saved up our money to buy our first home, we have 2 kids 6 and 2 and were even thinking of maybe a 3rd. I won't lie...our relationship has been bad since week 1, no exageration. After the honeymoon, he didn't want to be with me only be out with his friends drinking. We've gone through violence as well, he started and I gave it right back. Funny thing is it'd been a while since any of the worse of this stuff had happened. We were arguing a bit because he was going out of town a lot and he says that the reason he did it was because of that and because he wanted to know what it felt to do it with a different woman. the number one reason he says he did it is because he is stupid and it was a stupid mistake...i've already told him, no, it was a stupid choice.
Anyhow, I kicked him out he refused to leave..then I was like fine we'll work on rebuilding this marriage..but to be honest, there was nothing there. I doubt he loves me and i don't think I do either..we are here because of the kids..although i think i hurt the kids more by staying. We argue a lot, yell and are always unhappy and in bad moods. He is the perfect dad and cooks and cleans but I don't think he knows how to be a husband or treat women. I have NEVER felt loved by him, he shows no affection and has never opened up to me. We don't go on date nights, rarely go out alone, we rarely laugh together...we work a lot but rarely have time for ourselves.
I've stayed because I thought if only we had more time to ourselves, that's all we need to kinda start over but to be honest I always said if he ever cheated i'd be gone..no drama, no nothing just gone and relived I got rid of him for a real reason. I always felt i coulnd't leave regardless of being unhappy because he was such a good dad and in general a person that cooked, cleaned and has been responsible with work and stuff..so being unhappy was not enough of a reason 
Anyhow, I'm all over the place...he's gone again this week and I just got home and saw his cell phone bill..looked at the # of texts and picture mail and really was upset because he deletes all of his messages except for mine...so basically to go through all the trouble to delete all those 100's of texts seems a bit odd to me. His provider doesn't provide the #'s were the texts were sent so the only option is SpyBubble which I had been considering since this whole thing started but now I have to wait 'til he's back Friday to install it on the phone..and it's killing me..I'm going crazy wondering what's going on..
Part of me says I should just split and let it go...
We have not had any counseling (because of his schedule he doesn't have time..and he doesn't think he needs it either..he says it was a one time think and he was scared straight to not ever do that again)

anyhow, I think I already know the answer but what would you do?
Would you leave? If nothing else, I say this was just the final touch but our marriage has been dead for a while


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Is a one night stand with prostitute an affair?*

BTW, had it not been for the misterious rash he would've not told me is what he says. He ended up confessing in March...6 weeks after he had the ONS....and all the time he acted like himself.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

*Re: Is a one night stand with prostitute an affair?*

It's cheating.
It's being dishonest.
It's betrayl.
It's grounds for divorce.
Mouse


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: Is a one night stand with prostitute an affair?*

How long has he been working out of town? Other than the fact that he admitted to using a prostitute only once, do you have any other reason to suspect it was only once? If he's trying to work things out, why is he deleting his phone texts? I would think a remorseful husband would be falling over himself to be transparent.


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

He's been working out of town since mid December of last year.
I have no other reason to suspect, but I don't trust my judgement anymore and question everything..
I totally agree on the deleting the texts thing..he knows I am capable of checking his phone and doubt he'd be dumb enough to do anything that route or that he's communicating with a prostitute..but what if it's not a prostitute? ughh i make myself crazy with all the what if's
Also, we have definitely had worse times than January like really bad times where we weren't having intercourse, arguing DAILY and couldn't stand each other and he says all through that he's been faithful...i find it hard to believe that he just started doing that out of nowhere.
he doesn't have a porn addiction and when he's down here hardly has time for anything but work..which is why i belive he hadn't done anything prior to that..I get why he'd do it then because he has more time and stays at hotels, doesn't have to deal with kids or doing things at home.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

He's looking for sanctification. If you allow him to have it after what you've endured, then you're a bigger fool than he is! The equation is: *Cheating=Betrayal*! It's definitely time to move on!


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

He also hasn't offered up his passwords to anything (email, fb or whatever)but he is not likely to be hiding anything there as he rarely uses a computer or email or anything like that.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

YES a ONS IS cheating----or somewhere in your marital vows did you agree to have mge, that included sex with outside parties

And now you have a STD, for the rest of your days

You can't kick him out of the house, but you sure as he*l can end this mge.

You already state there is nothing there, both ways----staying for the kids is not a reason---to subject everyone in the family to misery day after day

The kids will be much better off, in split happy homes, than in one home that is full of mistrust/arguments/misery/lack of love

Are you maybe, really staying cuz you are scared to go it on your own---don't be---there is a big wide wonderful world waiting for you---yes it may be hard---but you will finally have your peace of mind back, and maybe someday, you will trust again---but the huge horrible elephant around your neck that is your cheating, scumbag H---will be gone---and you can once again breath fresh air, and look up at the sum------Take care of yourself---this is about you and your life---BEFORE ANYONE ELSE is ever to even be considered.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

Anything that involves your S participating in with another person but not wanting you to witness is cheating. period.

And about the kids... I grew up in a household where infidelity was present (my mom had a multi year EA)... and it sucked big time. Kids can smell crap miles away.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

It's a no brainer - yes it's cheating!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would doubt it was a one time thing with a prostitute, cheaters will often give you trickle truth, only fess up to what's necessary

please read the newbie link in my signature


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

As far as STD's go, I tested negative for everything, but you all are right.

I'm not scared to do it on my own, I' m just scared to mess up my kids' lives. I'm scared of being selfish, of justing about my happiness, and not theirs. I haven't talked to anyone about this because it is so embarrassing and I wouldn't want my kids to find out about it or have that thrown in their face later by mean relatives.

I know it's cheating, I guess what I wanted to know was if it was grounds for divorce or if I was just making a big deal and all men do it and no feelings were involved and bla bla...either way, without the cheating, the marriage sucks.

Thank you for replying.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

SoSickofIt said:


> As far as STD's go, I tested negative for everything, but you all are right.
> 
> I'm not scared to do it on my own, I' m just scared to mess up my kids' lives. I'm scared of being selfish, of justing about my happiness, and not theirs. I haven't talked to anyone about this because it is so embarrassing and I wouldn't want my kids to find out about it or have that thrown in their face later by mean relatives.
> 
> ...


Your marriage is not a loving one, has been/is physically and mentally abusive. I would leave FOR my kids sakes.

Do you want your kids growing up to think this is how they should treat their spouses? 

If you truely loved each other I would think differnetly but I really don't thinkthat is the case here.

Good Luck


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well divorce sucks for the kids

but abuse sucks more for the kids even if it's only directed at you


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I figure any sexual contact with someone other than my wife is cheating. If I just had to choose, I'd rather her buy the service of a pro than boink my neighbor or best friend, but it's all cheating.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please read my story (link in sig).

I also left my first husband 18 years ago, my kids were 4, 2 and 4 mos at the time. Zero regrets - they're far better off today than they would have been otherwise. Staying for the kids is *not *always the best solution.


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964-
Are you saying to stay or to leave and work on it? I read your story but it is basically about reconciling.


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

Sorry, I just re read that..you left your FIRST husband..your story talks about your second husband, I assume.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Truth be known... Marriage is commitment. Sex outside of the marriage bed is still adulterous, even in open relationships. And yes, sex with a prostitute is cheating. Love or no love and emotions involved, it is cheating and it is wrong! People believe the condom bit will protect the users from STD's... not so. All need to do their homework. With sexual acts being what they are, some body parts still touch. That is all it takes. This is especially true of the HPV virus. Some even say the HIV virus is transferred when using the condom. Two are better. But it is better to not do this to your mate. It is risky behavior at the least! Be aware. Be careful. Best of luck to you!


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

Your story is so very similar to mine. Read my posts and you will find out.

My husband hired a prostitute and had unprotected oral sex in September of last year. The thought also crossed my mind for a millisecond, that perhaps it wasn't *really* cheating as it was only oral sex and secondly, there were no emotions. Your mind can play these tricks on you in some crazy attempt to protect yourself from facing up to reality. However, my body couldn't pretend any more, even though I tried feebly to pretend everything was ok, it wasn't. I felt physically sick when I looked at him, when I thought about ever being intimate again. I knew at that point I could NEVER stay with him in any capacity, apart from that he is the father of my two children who are a similar age to yours.

My husband told me about his infidelity because I became ill with a stomach bug and he thought he had given me HIV. He hadn't, but I also had to go and get STD checks done. Humiliating isn't it? While I was getting those swabs taken I was cursing him.

He was also abusive, like your husband. He suffered from terribly bad moods, name calling, threatening violence. Funnily enough it had calmed down for about a year before he went to the prostitute and I had began to see some hope but the prostitute was the last straw. It was the last ultimate show of disrespect towards me and I couldn't physically take any more.

So fast forward to know, it has been four months since he told me. I am now going through divorce and the first month or so was hard. But now, I promise you life is more peaceful as he doesn't live with me now, I don't have to deal with not knowing what type of mood he will be in when he comes through the door. Yes he still has a go at me but at least it is over the phone now but that just reminds me of the many reasons why I am divorcing him.

As for the kids. I worried about ruining my kids lives as well. But I thought about it and figured that it would be better to divorce now so they can adjust, rather than in 10 years time when they are teenagers. Also the love and respect had gone for my husband (what was left of it), so there was nothing to work on. Also even more importantly, I didn't want my kids having this type of relationship when they grow up. That horrified me.

I promise you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Best wishes

Jen


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Any emotional or physical connection made outside the marriage without the express knowledge and consent of the other spouse is IMO cheating.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Oh and I wanted to add, my husband also said he didn't need counselling as he had been too frightened by this incident to ever go with a prostitute again. 

Well obviously that is just rug sweeping. Let's pretend it never happened, I won't take any responsibility for it, apart from saying a quick sorry. Now you just have to forget about it and get on with the marriage, otherwise there will be more abuse? 

That is how it was for me anyway. My husband gave a pitiful apology (mixed in with how I was to blame, as I had been ill) and then I had to never talk about the incident again so he could get off scott free. If I dared talk about it, I got shut down in an instance. 

That's what made me realise I could never heal from this.

What I really needed at the beginning was a lot of space. I needed my husband to move out. He HAD to move out. I needed to clear my head somewhat and gain clarity. I couldn't breathe whilst having him hanging around me like a bad reminder or his repulsive life choices.

Jen


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Yes it is cheating. He is trying to sweep it under the rug. You are well within you rights to divorce if you like.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cheating -- check

Unless there is an agreement to an open marriage and prostitues are defined as ok.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

SoSickofIt said:


> He also hasn't offered up his passwords to anything (email, fb or whatever)but he is not likely to be hiding anything there as he rarely uses a computer or email or anything like that.


He needs to keep all texts for you to see, give you all PWs and give you all his account information. Tell him if you find any accounts that he is hiding from you that he is in deep trouble. He cheated on you, he hid it. He might be hiding other things. Tell him if there are deleted texts he is in deep trouble.

Sex with a prostitute is grounds for D.

Working on the marriage is going to be largely on him coming clean, being honest and transparent.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Of course it's cheating -- it's also sleazy.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Sleeping with a prostitute harms nobody providing her trick isn't married. Of course there is the chance the trick could catch some incurable disease, but that harms only him (or her).


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It is cheating no doubt about it, but I've said many times I could forgive my wife pretty easily from a drunken ONS.

A 6 month affair would be much much harder, so while they are the same in my mind they are very different.


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

One night stand..! yes its cheating. You did that after your relationship and any relationship after one relationship is cheating..


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Agree with everyone else here. It's cheating.

I do feel you when you talk about how humiliating it is to go in for that STD screening. That was one of the worst moments for me too. Had to ask my OB of 15+ years, who delivered all my children to test me. Makes me tear up thinking about it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^
Why would you go to him/her then if it was so humiliating? You've posted that a few times on the forums.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> ^^^^^
> Why would you go to him/her then if it was so humiliating? You've posted that a few times on the forums.



Me? I think this is first time I've ever posted here about this. 

Are you asking why I chose to go to my personal physician as opposed to an anon clinic for an STD screening? If that's your question, I did so because I trust my doctor. That doesn't make it any less embarrassing to have to explain that you need something like an STD screening due to having been cheated on by your spouse.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I went to my doctor for a regular checkup, she asked if my husband and I were in a monogomous relationship and I broke down. I wouldn't have told her if she didn't ask me.
I cried through all the STD testing. It's humiliating when you are married to someone for 30 years and never ever thought you'd have to have those tests.

Although my husband said he went for 2 erotic massages, she said to have the test anyway because you never know what else he's been doing, and you likely never will.

That was over a year ago, still resentful.

Jen - I admire your courage. Good for you.


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

Husband wants another chance, he says he loves me..I don't believe it. I thought I was willing to try for the kids sake, as I feel I don't love him and won't ever see him the same way...BUT I find that I am miserable..I feel like there were no consequences to his actions. He is only home on weekends. He says he's willing to do anything for this to work..he wants MC but will not quit his job..and honestly I don't want him to either. I don't like that he's out all week which is what makes R so hard. Hard because he's not here for MC, only available weekends..and I don't feel like we're building our marriage back up like we should be.
I wanted to give this a try but it's almost impossible with his schedule. I mean he is remorseful, only slept with a prostitute once he says and was the worst decision of his life, he would never do it again..bla bla bla but how do we move on? When there is no time and he is not here?
MC is a MUST because our relationship SUCKED big time pretty much always and we fight a lot and my oldest seems to be pretty depressed most of the time and I HATE that..she is in kindergarten and already feels sad.
She heard us arguing last weekend and my husband yelling and taking his stuff with him threatening to leave and my daughter was crying and told me she knew this day would come?? I mean she's 6 ughh
I want the best for my kids and he says he does also and he is willing to stop arguing and willing to change to be better..he just wants me to TRUST him..that's all..ha! He said my options are to 1-trust him or 2- go our own ways because the way we are living is taking a toll on him.......................
I don't know what to do, how do you R when the other party is not here...and I also don't know that I'll ever be able to stop thinking about what happened.....but for my kids I can try. I also really want to be in a loving relationship.. I want to know what it is to be with someone who REALLY loves me and who's good to me..but I don't want to be selfish..I want to do the best for my kids..even if it's not the best for me..I don't know.....
Where to go from here?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I don't have time to read all the comments, etc. but I can read the topic and it takes one second to say YES.

But people in marriages who have ONS work through them and have recovery....but issues in the marriage need to be addressed and fixed through MC, etc.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband got a blow job from a hooker after I kicked him out for trying to hook up with hookers on line. Today we are very happy together - you can read about it in my sig link if you want. But just know that how you feel today is not necessarily how you will feel in 6 months. Don't decide anything right now - decide after you see if he is willing to do what he needs to to repair things.

Why is him getting another job not an option? You can for sure make that a requisite for moving forward with him. He ROYALLY screwed up here - he is going to HAVE to make some sacrifices if you have a hope in he!!


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

Hope,
He makes good money and has been there a while. 
Before all this happened, we were looking at buying our first home..I was going to quit my job as soon as we bought our house so that I could stay home with my girls. We had some issues with daycare and being that he is gone all week and I work full time and commute another 2 hours round trip..we really felt I needed to stay home because he makes enough to support us.
With all this happening, I am really confused. I really want my kids to have a stable and loving home. I really was looking forward to staying home with them because I feel no one can take care of them like I would..considering the issues we had at daycare.
Now, I feel stuck. I can't quit my job, we had already put an offer on a house..I can quit because if this doesn't work out I need a job to support my kids..
If I make him quit and he is jobless and our relationship still doesn't work out, then it'll just be a huge mess.

What do you think about this? What do I do now? He is willing to be transparent but then again, he did nothing over emails or phone..he just decided to go be with a hooker for 15 mins one night..so I have nothing to check up on him..Even though I am tracking his phone.
I am doing the 180 as I feel I invested too much in this relationship and this is how I get paid..
I am starting IC as well..and he's willing to do MC...he says he'll ask his supervisor to not send him out to work out of town for this next week..I assume MC is more than one week..so I don't know.
I'm just afraid of wasting any more time being unhappy and making my kids unhappy..
please advise..now what?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How long ago did you find out? 

Is there some reason he couldn't start looking for another job ASAP and then leave the one he's at when he does? How hard he looks for a job would be a good indicator of how much he's willing to do here.

Like I say, HE fvcked up. He needs to do whatever you need to fix this.

He should also be accounting for EVERY CENT of his money to you. There should not be a solitary thing he buys that you don't get to see on his bank and cc statements. If he takes money out of a bank machine, you want to have PROOF of what he did with it.

How did he hire this hooker? Did he call her, walk by her on the street, what?


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

I found out March 6th.
He doesn't want to quit his job..he's said before if that's what I want, he'll do it but he does nOT want to quit his job..his attitude about that is almost like..fine, if that's what you want, that's what i'll do..then days later tells me he will NOT quit his job.
I think it'd be hard for him to find a job that pays him that well as he is not educated.
I handle all the finances which is why I asked him where did he get the money for this hooker..he said he got it from selling some things he got from his boss..got cash.

He was working near the Mexico border..basically crossed the border walking, took a cab to this strip club/brothel, drank and took her upstairs to the club's hotel for 15 mins, paid $50 for her+$12 for room+$1 towel and condom..cleaned up and went back to his hotel. ughhh just typing that makes me SICK!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, what he wants doesn't count for much right now, does it? If he DOESN'T quit his job, will you be able to handle it? That's the question you need to answer for yourself. Forget what he wants. That does NOT figure into the equation right now.

You are just over 2 months past D day. That's very early. You don't need to make any decisions right now.

Like I said before, he needs to become a totally open book financially to you. You should also check out his story with his boss - what did he sell? 

And what is he doing to prove he's only done it once?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SoSickofIt said:


> ughhh just typing that makes me SICK!


I know exactly how you feel  Hugs to you.


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## SoSickofIt (May 8, 2012)

I don't think so. I think if he is not around it'll only make things worse as we're not repairing anything, working on anything or even spending time together. I feel in some ways i've checked out because of this..almost like I'm a single parent anyway, or I do everything on my own anyway.
You know what though, I feel though that in some ways I kinda let him decide because I feel forcing him to do something is like making him do something he doesn't want and that's not genuine..I don't know, I mean is it normal to feel that way?
I hate that I have to make him do things..I feel like this will only make it worse..I don't know...but that is also why I've been a doormat all these years and I am not willing to live like that anymore.
He sold left over metal from some work project they did together.

He's not doing anything to prove he only did it once..He says he doesn't know what to do to get me to understand him, to trust him that it only happened once..only thing he's done is swear by his kids, mom and deceased sister that it was only once.

I feel like what I need to do is tell him I need:
-a peaceful home
-Stability
-ABSOLUTELY NO SCREAMING (at me or the kids)
-and affection, although sometimes I don't feel like it..it feels fake


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So tell him that. Unless he is willing to do whatever it takes, at least in the short run, I doubt things can work. If you've been a doormat all these years, then now is the time to stop. Stand up for what you need.

Once he's proven he's committed, THEN you can work on your marriage together. Right now it doesn't sound like much of a marriage, really, with him walking all over you.

Have you poked around the forum here and read a bunch in CWI?


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

YES!!!!!!!!!


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## indescribable1 (May 16, 2017)

oh yes it is:crying:


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