# Does fake it till you make it work?



## lost3461 (Mar 27, 2013)

I've just goten back from my first counseling appt. I went by myself to start with to see if I could get some answers. And all I got was fake it until you make it. Does that really work?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

IDK, but give it a try and see.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You didn't provide enough information. What made you get help? You can fake a more positive attitude until it becomes a habit. But you can't fake being ok with a cheating spouse. We need more info for a better answer.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Depends on what the situation is, but in short, yes. There is something to pretending things are great to attract good energy.


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## lost3461 (Mar 27, 2013)

No cheating, basically just a case of neglect. My H thinks as long as he is bringing home a paycheck he's done his part. And I'm just done with the lack of friendship, affection & emotional disconnect. I went to a counselor to hopefully get answers to questions. Such as can you build a friendship again with someone that you are no longer interested in being one with.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So, if you are faking happiness, why in the world would your husband change anything at all? :scratchhead: That would lead him to think that everything is all hunky dory, and here YOU are living a false life. I dont see anyone winning with this theory. This theory does have its place, but in my opinion, it isnt fixing marriages.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes it does work. At the very least it prevents the situation from escalating and or disintegrating. Fake loving kindness until you feel loving kindness. Fake forgiveness until you feel forgiveness. But you have to be working toward those emotions.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lost3461 said:


> No cheating, basically just a case of neglect. My H thinks as long as he is bringing home a paycheck he's done his part. And I'm just done with the lack of friendship, affection & emotional disconnect. I went to a counselor to hopefully get answers to questions. Such as can you build a friendship again with someone that you are no longer interested in being one with.


Sorry, I didn't see this when I posted above. Your loving kindness ALONG with working to change your relationship will help it go better. If both people check out what's the point of continuing? if you check out because he's neglectful, how can he feel the confidence that his effort will make a meaningful difference? Conversely, he is already checked out, so you check out too in response, now you both are sliding into a bottomless pit of he did she did.

It's really hard to do.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

No. This is called a chiasm, and they are used by charletans of all stripes. A chiasm is a kind of poetry. Shallow minds fall for them because of the pleasing symmetry. 

This has the form A-B-A-B. Fake - it - make - it. 

Another form is A-B-B-A. Control your dog...before your dog controls you. The most famous is Kennedy's "Ask not what your country can do for you...ask what you can do for your country" which is a no-brainer false dichotomy. But it is famous because it is a chiasm. 

So let's have fun with ABAB chiasms. "Kill him to thrill him". "Shove him to love him". "Poop love is group love"

The problem with chiasms and people who are not trained to understand the deception involved is that they will go out of their way to find meaning behind them using rationalization. People find deep meaning in songs for the same reason - the rhyming over the content.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I would not advise long term "fakery" but there is a lot to be said for a "positive mental attitude". For example if you try and have a "smile on your face" and a "cheerful disposition" it does rub off on those around you.

The opposite is equally true, If you start your day showing your partner you are unhappy you will more than likely both have a bad day.

Remember it take two people working together to make a relationship work but some of us do need to be incentivized to join in.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I have found it to be helpful in the past for me. I can have a tendency to get stuck in the negative thoughts and feelings towards my H. When I consciously decide to set that behavior of mine aside, fake being happy and loving for awhile, I can sometimes bring myself back around. It has helped me with my own behavior and attitude. 

There are times though, and I'm currently in one, where faking it and changing your own attitude isn't enough.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lost3461 said:


> And all I got was fake it until you make it. Does that really work?


It can work. For example, if you are mildly depressed, faking a cheerful disposition and smiling, even though you don't feel like smiling, can actually improve your mood to the point of actually becoming cheerful.

However, if you feel like your needs aren't being met, then you may need more than faking. First, you need to talk about your needs. Are they reasonable, or unreasonable? If you have reasonable needs, and your husband isn't meeting them, then you need to be blunt with him and work through a book like The Five Love Languages. He needs to know that his providing for you isn't what you want from him.

Men and women make this kind of mistake all the time. Men bring home a paycheck and think they're meeting their wives' needs. Wives' need for emotional intimacy goes unmet. Wives cook and clean and think they are meeting their husbands' needs. Husbands' need for physical intimacy goes unmet.

Everybody needs to be on the same page.

Good luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It can work. For example, if you are sad, but force yourself to smile, there is a physiological feedback that actually improves your mood.

If you don't feel and act loving towards your spouse, but fake it, it can eventually turn into the real thing. It's about forming positive habits that eventually become naturally part of you.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

The person who is "faking it" is your counselor. Was that really her advice? Seriously? So glad you came to this forum because the advice you are getting here is so much better. And it's free. 

Find a new counselor -- STAT.


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

lost3461 said:


> I've just goten back from my first counseling appt. I went by myself to start with to see if I could get some answers. And all I got was fake it until you make it. Does that really work?


The term "fake it till you make it" does sound like a trite cliche. However, it does make sense. Just think, if you start to act in new ways and believing it, you are creating new neural pathways in your brain. In effect, this can create healthier behavior in your life. Someone here suggested Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to me. I'm going to do it. I think they both work the same way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Fake it till you make it works on a personal level but I can't see how that helps fix a marriage.

Unless you are doing the 180 or something similar.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When I got married, I assumed it was required that I fake it on the days I didn't feel it. Why else would I need to make a legal commitment? I can safely assume any woman on earth would treat me according to how she felt. If you have to make a promise before witnesses, it's pretty certain you are expected to perform or behave in certain ways, regardless of how you happen to feel. If you are testifying, you tell the truth, even if you feel like lying. If you swear into the Army, you have to do your duty even if you feel like sleeping in or punching your commander in the nose. Every time your husband sees a woman he'd like to have sex with but he pretends he doesn't, he's faking it. When you've unpleasant for weeks but he comes home anyway, he's faking it. Any marriage that hopes to last longer than the honeymoon is going to require some acting skills.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree we all have to fake it to some extent in a marriage but if you are having to fake it more than it being real then something is terribly wrong.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We all experience bad weather and some years it seems like it will last forever. During those periods, we will deal with more crappy days than good days, maybe for a long time. Every marriage will have periods of bad weather and most marriages will have long periods of unpleasantness.


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## lost3461 (Mar 27, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your comments & thoughts. Its been very helpful. You are right IrishGirlVA, the advise has been better and much better priced.


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