# Betrayed, cheated on, lied to and she is still hiding it



## rundmc2120 (Jul 23, 2016)

For 6 months now, my wife, ive known for 12 years, married for 8, with an awesome, smart 5 yr old Son. Fell into a relationship with a person of the same sex. Around May of this year I had a gut intuition and horrible dreams about her cheating. One night again in May we had a party at our houses and she invited this girl over. After everyone left/went to sleep, my friend wakes me up to tell me he's leaving and good. I notice my wife isn't asleep next to me. I walk around the house to investigate and find her upstairs with this chick on the bed together. Not thinking anything of it, told her to come to bed. As time went on she started going out alot and sleeping/partying at this girls house. Sure, I thought was harmless friends, girls doing girl stuff. All of this at the same time, we hadn't had sex in over 8 months, barely touched me. I'm extremely fit and run 2 miles in 12:45...we used to have sex very occasional for married couple. Anyways, my gut was telling me something wasn't right. Finally after a week of swallowing it, I burst. I sat my wife down, closed the door and told her how I felt and how i had been having horrible dreams of her cheating on me with this chick. I was literally laughing at myself while spilling it. She started to smirk, put her head down a day walked into the bathroom. My instant thought when she walked away was..no F'ing way... she told me she was attracted to this girl and had feelings for her. I was shocked in disbelief, blown away! told her to cease all communication with this girl and to never speak to her again if she wanted to keep me and the family. 

That was an ultimatum I did not want to give, but I didn't see any other way around it. You touch fire, you get burned. Response is to walk away and not touch it again. Right? So she promised it was nothing wouldn't speak to her again. I told her I was 110% willing to work with her to get over those feelings, counseling. Did a crap ton of reading on same sex relationships to better understand her feelings. I was committed! A week went by and she asked me to leave, move out and take a break. I was confused but idiotic felt compelled it may some how work, get some distance and make her appreciate me again. A week went by, I'm staying at my cousins place. I come over to the house to see my son and said "ok, we can do this but we need to work on eachother to better this". I was ready, helmet on, full force 110% ready to work.

Next day alone, we each went to our own counselors and dumped it all, flood Gates opened and it helped for me, I thought. I called my wife to express how the sychiatrist wanted to do couples counseling and she dropped the bomb shell on me..

She told me how she had been having an affair with this girl for months, both physical and emotional. I was crushed and didn't know how react. The last person in this world I thought would hurt me, betray me and destroy the very foundation I built. Devastation. I didn't eat, sleep, work was horrible. I needed to fix it. Why? I didn't know but I wanted to make it work. I didn't go this far to give up. She came to me with crying open arms and we made our mends. Again, no communication, delete her from everything. I wanted to put a nurolizer to her eyes.. she agreed willingly.

June now, I did some snooping. Why not? Wouldn't you? Didn't think it would hurt. in marriage nothing is a secret. Guys, she didn't delete her from anything. Then I found the ugly one, Snapchat..

Logged onto her account, there it waswith the chick's picture and changed/edited the name to try and fool the wise. A snap was waiting, hadn't been opened, I paused for a moment in what I might find. I did it, I opened it. Pictures, and messages. The last message was her telling her i miss you, goodnight and I love you.. i didn't know what to do anymore or how to do it. We are now seperated I'm paying for her $1100 apartment $400 extra every 2 weeks for my son on top of my $9 apartment.. I'm gullible, stupid I know but I care so much. Almost afraid of hurting her feelings. We are mutual, me in hopes this can work! 
Lastnight i found non traceable (from phone records) imessages from this girl to my wife.... Seperation isn't divorced and she is still talking too/seeing this chick. What do I need to do, action next taking??? The approach???? HELP!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Its over. Start the paperwork. 

Your only chance is to make the end real...then, maybe, she might wake up.

Sorry man, i know you're hurting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rundmc2120 (Jul 23, 2016)

I've come to terms that it's over. I some how feel guilty because she won't be able to life off her income.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

rundmc2120 said:


> I've come to terms that it's over. I some how feel guilty because she won't be able to life off her income.


Sorry you are here. We all live and die by our choices. Just make sure your son is taken care of as well as yourself. You will be ok in time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

rundmc2120 said:


> I've come to terms that it's over. I some how feel guilty because she won't be able to life off her income.


Nothing for you to feel guilty about. Your wife is the one that chose this life style over you, your marriage, and your child. 

She gets to deal with the consequences of her choices. She fired you as her significant other and replaced you without your knowledge. She pays the price.

File for divorce and try to get full custody.


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## rundmc2120 (Jul 23, 2016)

I sit around and play the game as if I don't know about her little messages and she toys with me telling me she loves me. My issue is being a man and telling her i know about the messages. She stayed the night lastnight (different bed) I woke up to her phone going off. It was the chick imessaging her at 4am. I'm foolish and said nothing and still haven't.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

rundmc2120 said:


> I sit around and play the game as if I don't know about her little messages and she toys with me telling me she loves me. My issue is being a man and telling her i know about the messages. She stayed the night lastnight (different bed) I woke up to her phone going off. It was the chick imessaging her at 4am. I'm foolish and said nothing and still haven't.


Get the paperwork. Have her served. When she calls, which she will. Tell her know. 

Take control over your life and destiny. Its all you can do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If she wants to join the gay parade let her. 

File for divorce and protect yourself. The longer you wait she can run up your debt and ruin your credit. Start doing the 180. 

File for full custody. Get the meanest nastiest lawyer you can find. You need to get mad dog mean if you don't want your child being raised in their lifestyle.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Consider that this will go on, the pain will go on, until you decide to end it. 

Your own sanity and well being demand that you begin to detach in a real and legal way. You did not create the problem, but you can stop the damage and take care of you.

If this was happening to your son, what advice would you give him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP first Off need to be a man for yourself. First of all it's unattractive to be a pushover to be weak. There's nothing to even fight for. Cut your losses file for divorce, it's too far gone, why do you feel the need to pay for her lifestyle her bad decisions. You may love her still but she doesn't love you. You need to wash your hands of this mess, Best way to do this to get on with your life that you deserve. File D immediately separate yourself From this mess in your life which is your wife soon-to-be exwife. Find someone that will love you like you deserve to be love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rundmc2120 (Jul 23, 2016)

I guess I am being a push over... and your right I can't live my life in a shadow pretending the "gayness" will wash off. 
My Son will always be taken care of, no doubt. It's hard to believe I've let it go on like I have and be manipulated for so long. 

I'm military so it's going to a process, but I intend of filing through Alaska. 3 months and done.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You will move on and heal faster than you think. We're behind you 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rundmc2120 said:


> *I guess I am being a push over.*.. and your right I can't live my life in a shadow pretending the "gayness" will wash off.
> My Son will always be taken care of, no doubt. It's hard to believe I've let it go on like I have and be manipulated for so long.
> 
> I'm military so it's going to a process, but I intend of filing through Alaska. 3 months and done.


Yes you are. Stop it. She made her bed let her lie in it.

Complete 180 no contact except for your son. Limit that to texts and or emails. Do do the "lets be friends thing" she's not your friend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is this her first affair? If not and if evidence can be gathered your lawyer could establish a pattern of behaviour which might work against her in custody hearings.

And as Bandit said, get the kind of lawyer who, when they go for a swim, the sharks would give them a guard of honour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First off, I am so sorry for you and your son that you are here.

My female couisn, who had been married about 20 years, fell for her also married female best friend. There were years of denial, and cheating. Her husband tried over and over and over to reconcile. She said she wanted to also, and she still says she will always love him. 

She is now married to her best girlfriend, who just had a sex change surgery. They share joint custody of the kids. Her ex husband is just newly remarried, and he is very happy.

This was a very hard situation to sit back and watch unfold. Tons of crazy emotions going on for everyone. I am glad you are realizing it is over, so you don't waste anymore energy on trying to win her back. It really sounds like she is long gone my friend.

I share the above story not to say that it is what will happen in your situation, but just more as a cautionary tale of how this can play out in the long run. Keep talking to us, we want to help you. Chin up sweetheart, brighter skies ahead.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

rundmc2120 said:


> I've come to terms that it's over. I some how feel guilty because she won't be able to life off her income.


That is her choice. 

Actions have consequences.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I would not say anything to her.

Let being served tell her. It will tell her through actions.

Sorry you are here, brother.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The only thing you can do is be accountable for your actions. You have been culpable in hiding this affair, though you had good intentions it has done more harm than good. This isn't a gay thing it is a cheating thing, plain and simple. Affairs are like mushrooms, they grow best in the dark under layers of crap, you need to bring this to the light of day. The woman you see now is not the loving person that you romanticize about, she is not your friend, buddy or pal. This person no more thinks about lying to you than the man in the moon, your looking the other way only enables her. I recommend that you consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to know your rights. You need to have your own bank account to which your pay is sent and only you have access. You need to develop a plan for custody, child care and visitation, you don't have to enact immediately, but you need to be prepared. Start doing things with you and your son that are fun, this will make any transitions easier. I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties work to fix the problems, but you can't do it yourself, it is an exercise in futility.


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## rundmc2120 (Jul 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Is this her first affair? If not and if evidence can be gathered your lawyer could establish a pattern of behaviour which might work against her in custody hearings.
> 
> And as Bandit said, get the kind of lawyer who, when they go for a swim, the sharks would give them a guard of honour.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she's had a cyber affair on me previously while Deployed in Iraq. I know, I'm an idiot and I'm sitting here laughing about it with you lol I got so caught up in trying to change that someone, that I was blinded by the bigger picture. Tuesday I will be consulting an attorney and pulling papers for belongings which we'very already seperated. 

I have text evidence of the chick messaging through Snapchat, but nothing on her end, thus is deleted from snapchat once seen. She's changed all passwords to all social media. She knows I have it. I'll see what the attorney says. Preciate you guys, emotions are abstract, and it isn't a gay thing, it's a cheating thing, thanks.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

She lies to your face, cheats on you, continues to lie and cheat, and you finance the whole thing? Dude, what the hell?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You shouldn't worry that she can't live off her income. She will likely get full custody of your son if you keep dragging your feet, and get a nice alimony check. You'll get to enjoy paying her to sleep with other people.

Therefore I will second the advice to get a good attorney to handle this and I would have no further contact with her if I could help it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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