# Husband is a Narcissist and I most likely need to end it. Long post..sorry



## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

Been with my husband since feb 2006, married since Aug 2008. 
Just like the title states, I am married to a Narcissist.. (he is currently living out in our big Winnebego)...a big time one, and I think he most likely has a mood disorder to go with it. He has highs and lows. Anyways...I have acknowledged this about him for about 5 years now. I am in the medical field (Professional level) so it is easy for me to diagnose..It is probably also easier for me to have dealt with him for so long because of my field as well. 
I recently bought this book about Narcissism, and it is very good so far. Unfortunately it is word for word verbatim "him". I am learning that there is no real cure, and infact the narcissist will not get help and does not acknowledge their problems. I decided to disengage and continue to try about 2 years ago...---anyways there is a lot to it. He is all the things you can claim; emotionally abusive, mentally abusive, NOT physically though.. He knows everything, he has to be in the spotlight, Its his way or the highway..etc.. 
I happen to be the bread winner. He has his own business and works from home. We have separate bank accounts (his ex wife screweded him over so we have to they will garnish the bank) so I keep my money safe..I pay a majority of all the bills. Mortgage, Car Ins, TV, Internet, loans, groceries. He runs his business out of the house and use the whole garage and has an office, but pays me nothing towards the mortgage to have his business there..(losing battle to ask) He keeps the air on 85 in the day because he pays the power bill..So we sweat, and are miserable. He doesnt contribute to fun times. He regulary goes out of town with our 8 yr old, as he coaches a swim team as a volunteer 5 days a week. Basically I never see him. if I do we just always get into it because he is so loud and boisterous. 
My last straw came in June during a weekend trip to Atlanta to take our boy to a swim meet and take him to do all the fun stuff in Atlanta. I attempted to stand up for my husband to a lady he coaches with..I messaged her thru FB, to tell her I didnt appreciate how he was accusing him of something at the swim meet etc..long story..well he didnt like that I did that, he treated me like an enemy..He called me a freak and told me I was strange, he told me to leave Atlanta and just go home ( I didnt and quickly just went along with him). I was very hurt. I felt like it mattered nothing to him that I was standing by him...and thats when my heart fell out of my chest and onto the ground., that is when my brain detached itself and told me that I was better than that and I deserved more in life, that I was worth more and that I did not need to remain. 
I ultimately need to write an ultimatem.. I attemped an almost conversational ultimatum the evening of our anniversary. I remained reserved and calm aasking him questions... So anyways, he basically told me that he will not compromise with me when it comes to his coaching and being gone 5 nights per week, gone frequently on weekends with our son..Two of our daughters (his stepdaughters) are at college, and I have one of my own still at home that is 13. So its just me and her a lot of the time. 
Point is..I have no real marriage..its so strange, he has completely enveloped my son and his swimming career and lifestyle as all that he cares about. 
I am lonely, Im sad, I get no help. I am ill (war Veteran with physical issues)..and he has no concern of any of it..there is no in sickness and in health, no for better or worse, no richer or poorer..its him and him alone..thats it.
What I am eluding to is that I know I have to make a move. I cannot make that move until my parents move to where I live in about 9 months. They will be a big help. 
I am hit with a double edged sword..I have attempted to uphold my vows, I have attempted for years to fix myself and attend therapy, I have gone without, I have worked to the bone. I have raised excellent girls. I maintain a professional career..But, at the end of the day, I have absolutely nothing to show for it..I have a house, a car and my 13 yr old daughter, and my boy, but I have no happiness and joy filling my home. I have no free time, no relaxation , no cuddles, no kiss, no warmth, no confidant. And it sucks..I hate it..I hate that he has put me in the position to have to choose to keep a sad and delusional marriage and fake it, or move on and live happy with someone who doesnt have a mental illness. I dont want to hurt my son as I had hurt my daughter when their dad and me divorced (hard time due to death of a child)... 
OMG......please, what do I do...I have tried, I promise ! The therapy bills date back to 2009 ! Nothing will ever change, it is just getting worse. 
thank you all for reading ! Hope to hear from you ! :nerd:


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Sad to read your post .

It's just like my ex . I know you tried , just like i had . But i learn now that it takes two . I was told that by my counsellor n lawyer . 

I finally divorced him . N even divorcing is such a battle . I couldnt locate him so he divorced me first . It didnt matter . 

N lies after lies now , over support n debts n assets. I read narcissitic people gives nasty divorce fights n i thought maybe not my husband as he portrayed himself as a MR goody two shoes to the outside world . But gosh how accurate the article i read is . My ex lied n fought ridiculously n deceitfully .

So i think now that i am almost through , i must say i am happier , though at times lonely without a soulmate . But he was never one to start with . Hope to find one later .

I never knew the word narcissistic till in tge midst of my separation when my counsellor mentioned . 

Just do what will deliver you happiness .

Your daughter will be happy when you are happy .

In my case i finally divorced when my ex hit me infront of my boys in his bid to get me to back off from asking about finances . Just like you i paid for almost 80% bills n his regular questionable debts which means in net position i paid for entire household plus his secret expenditure n debts .

Just leave .


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

You already know what you need to do. There is nothing you can do to change him. On top of his probable mental illness which can be hard enough to deal with without therapy & support, he is abusive to you. Just because it's not physical (right now) doesn't make it any better. And as things get worse between you the more likely he will begin to get physical- it'll start small with a push, or grabbing & restraining you, & you might not even recognize it for what it is. So please be careful. 

In the meantime while you wait for your folks to move nearby, start doing more for you. Use the time he's gone in the evenings to go to therapy sessions or find a support group, take some cooking classes, or join a community organization. Basically anything that would make you feel better & get you out of the house & around other people. This will be important because you should expect a lot of drama when you leave him. A narcissist is not going to take kindly to your leaving him & he will do whatever he can to make your life miserable. Fill your life with positive things that he can't take away from you. 

As for your son, it's better for him to deal with divorce than to grow up seeing his father abuse you. That's not the example you want him to see - his father is an abuser & mom thinks it's okay because she stays. What do you think his future relationships will be like? 

For what it's worth, my oldest son (13 at the time) thanked me for leaving his father who was abusive to me. I knew it was bad for them to see but never realized how much it was tearing HIM up that he couldn't stop it. Makes me glad I didn't wait until he was old enough to try.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

If he really is a narcissist please get your children, especially your son away from him. Do a search on children of narcissists, you do not want your children to grow up like this. Run, as fast and as far as you can and take your children with you. There is no fix.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you have about 9 months until you can file for divorce.

So start the process now. See a lawyer and get yourself financially in a favorable place for divorce. 

Move all the valuables you can out of the house to a safe storage place. You can do it slowly over 9 months.

Also start separating from him emotionally. Start making friends. You should not start dating yet, but you can get out, make friends, get active. That will build a good foundation for when you can start dating if you want to.

Look at the link below in the signature block. Start interacting with him according to the 180.

You have 9 months to plan. Take advantage of it. And be glad that you have that time.


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## cvd (Aug 20, 2015)

What advice have your therapists given? 

My first husband had similar issues and I stayed with him for 15 years until my kids were teens. Like you I tried everything. If you decide to leave be prepared for a battle because a true narcissist can never be "wrong". My ex tried scaring me with threats of violence and threatened I'd be left with nothing if I divorced him. Like your husband, he portrayed himself as a gentle soul to others but was emotionally and finally physically abusive to me. I also paid most of the bills. In court his narcissism was revealed when he asked to be excused from child support and for me to pay him alimony...despite testimony and evidence showing his abuse and lack of financial support. The judge laughed at him. It was a healing moment for me to hear the judge chastise him. 

He never paid any support, avoiding jobs that would garnish wages. I never pursued it in court because of the expense and knowing I'd never see any money anyway.

The aftermath of being married to a narcissist is first relief and then years of healing. It takes a long time to recover because the damage to your inner self is deep. Be prepared for that too. 

As far as your kids go, your son will grieve the loss of your husband's attention because the way a narcissist works is to shower those he considers on his side with attention... and the attention can be incredible. Sounds like your daughters were not at the center of his attention so they won't feel the loss as much. They most likely will feel relief as being around a narcissist is draining. 

My ex chose our son as his center of attention. Our daughter had special needs so he didn't really notice her as much. This pattern has remained into their adulthood. He showers attention on our son and basically ignores our daughter. This of course has hurt our daughter but counseling has helped her. 

Hope this is helpful to you as you figure out what to do.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

cvd said:


> What advice have your therapists given?
> 
> My first husband had similar issues and I stayed with him for 15 years until my kids were teens. Like you I tried everything. If you decide to leave be prepared for a battle because *a true narcissist can never be "wrong"*. My ex tried scaring me with threats of violence and threatened I'd be left with nothing if I divorced him. Like your husband, he portrayed himself as a gentle soul to others but was emotionally and finally physically abusive to me. I also paid most of the bills. In court his narcissism was revealed when he asked to be excused from child support and for me to pay him alimony...despite testimony and evidence showing his abuse and lack of financial support. The judge laughed at him. It was a healing moment for me to hear the judge chastise him.
> 
> ...


OMG. the similarities.

I wished I had discover this site much earlier instead of trying to fix things till I cant fix anymore when he hit me infront of my kids to get me to continue to pay his debts and bills and quoting him "shut the F8ck up about money and just pay "

I am praying the judge would laugh and rebuke him in court as his fight with me over assets , debts and support is such a pathetic reflection of him as a man . I would cut my di*k if I am him . pathetic.

leave and repair . or as i was told by my counsellor , this will last you your entire life if that is what you want and maybe I should think for my children .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

yup , the narcissitic person will shower those on his side with attention and gifts and whatever else . just like he did with me before he marries me !

then i am trapped .

now he showers my kids with gifts and dinners and when my kids are on my side , I am seeing the dinners getting less expensive . He doesnt care much about the children other than I think he hopes that they will be his meal ticket when they are adults .

just like I was told 

save yourself while you can and while you are still young and able and has the energy.

My sons , though 8 and 10 , told me they wanted the divorce as they witnessed the father hit me and they know I am not happy .

Gosh . The pain . I can feel it for you as I had felt when I went through that . I feel the stab in my heart now again as I feel for you. GOD .

Just know you will come out stronger.

Truly , even without his support , now I am working better and more than doubled my earnings as I am working happier and harder now . AND I GET TO SPENT AND SAVE EVERY CENT FOR MYSELF AND CHILDREN !!!!!! HAPPILY !!!! without paying for his debts and ridiculously feeding him as he wont contribute . 

Since you are in a good profession , you will definitely have the last laugh when you dont have to pay his food anymore . You spent the money on yourself and children and feel good about it .


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## newlywednewlydread (Aug 21, 2015)

Jesus, we're so similar. I just got married, though, so this **** is just beginning for me. I too am the breadwinner, pay all the bills, and am finding myself sleeping alone every night with the dog.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

we should meet if we are in same location .:x

since we marry the same kind .

bet we will be good friends :wink2:

now I am reading and analysing to avoid the same kind in future .


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

newlywednewlydread said:


> Jesus, we're so similar. I just got married, though, so this **** is just beginning for me. I too am the breadwinner, pay all the bills, and am finding myself sleeping alone every night with the dog.


BOLT, especially if its a short length marriage...DUDE


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

signoflife

just be careful . he may escalate to hitting you to get what he wants . 

My ex hit me on and off to get me to back off .

when I refused to back off anymore when my kids were older and I wanted a solution or an end , he spare no thoughts to the damage to the children and he hit me till i fell and slide , broke my spec and rattled and slammed me till my necklace broke too . he then grabbed the kids so hard even while they were screaming no no let go .

I never expected that too as he had protrayed , even to me , that he loves the children . Now I know better . 

I understand . Maybe you feel confusion . I felt that . I was confused , he protrayed himself as the goody two shoe husband and father and everyone tells me he is good and I am lucky to have him . I had constantly wondered if I was mad , I saw only the bad in him . That is exactly what he kept repeating to me as well . And I wondered why is the world saying that and I am the only one seeing him as otherwise . Even during counselling , I had asked if I am going insane .

The counsellor told me the fact that i asked if I am insane means I am not . The real mad person will never question if he is mad !!!!!!!!

I was told he had faked to me and the world .

just like your husband volunteering 5 days !!!! what is he proving ??? or just to escape his home duties and to escape you ??

So signsoflife,

maybe you are confuse like I was ?


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## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

7 years married , 10 yrs together, Dude


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> BOLT, especially if its a short length marriage...DUDE



yup bolt

while you are still young


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## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

Check it out..this is him to my son, got this off a site about the subject..

""Narcissists typically treat their children as if they're not good enough, and yet when the child does do well, the parent will either ignore and deny the event or take all the credit for it. (A common exception to the general rule of being treated as inferior is the treatment of the family "golden child", whom the narcissistic parent will treat as exceptional, superior and entitled.) ""


My boy is the golden child and can do no wrong ever !!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

newlywednewlydread said:


> Jesus, we're so similar. I just got married, though, so this **** is just beginning for me. I too am the breadwinner, pay all the bills, and am finding myself sleeping alone every night with the dog.



like dude says 

bolt 

dont waste years like me


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

SignOfLife said:


> Check it out..this is him to my son, got this off a site about the subject..
> 
> ""Narcissists typically treat their children as if they're not good enough, and yet when the child does do well, the parent will either ignore and deny the event or take all the credit for it. (A common exception to the general rule of being treated as inferior is the treatment of the family "golden child", whom the narcissistic parent will treat as exceptional, superior and entitled.) ""
> 
> ...


that will teach him to be the next narcissitic person

save your child


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

I've been listening to a lot of youtube videos on the subject due to a very bad experience with a narcissist recently. I found this site helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkUVh2cwep3jCYwDjE689Wg


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Use this time to prepare, like Elegirl already said. Get your ducks in a row. Don't see this as 9 months you have to wait, but 9 months you can use to get ready for the next stage of your life.


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