# I want you to want me



## Meatball (Sep 17, 2020)

The band Cheap Trick sang

*I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me. *

I've read countless accounts of people who are part of this choir, singing this song, and desperately wanting to FEEL loved, desired, and wanted. I'm a cisgendered, straight, white male, if it matters, that wishes my partner was "more"...I'm not sure what the right word is...assertive, aggressive, vocal, verbal; outgoing, energetic? 

I get that my wife's libido is reactive and she WANTS me to be a MANLY man and TAKE her. She wants to FEEL my desire and passion as I rip off her clothes and overwhelm her with my lustful attack....because it makes her feel "GOOD" to be wanted, loved, and desired, but...Is it weird, wrong, or too much to ask that maybe, just once in a while, I could get some of THAT? I mean, damn, I WANT and NEED to feel those feelings too. 

Now, I've seen this expressed by both men and women, but it appears to be "socially acceptable" for women to admit it, but not men. Whenever men say something like, "I want my partner to WANT me", "I want to feel desired", or "I wish she would initiate", the consensus seems to be "suck it up buttercup. You're the MANNNNNN. You HAVE to be the aggressor/initiator 100% of the time!!!"

So, am I chasing unicorns? 
Asking too much? 
Why is it SOOOOO common for one partner in every couple to be so "uncompelled" to "express" their desire?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It’s not too much to ask and it is possible.

My wife is definitely responsive desire. If I press her buttons right (like today) she is going to jump my bones later.

I think a key to this is to just tell her what you want. Communication is key. If your relationship is otherwise good and she actually likes you she’ll figure out how to press your buttons.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you use the term "cis" anything with your wife?

I know I don't feel like sleeping with you now.😁


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Do you use the term "cis" anything with your wife?
> 
> I know I don't feel like sleeping with you now.😁


Did you before 🤣🤣🤣


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Did you before 🤣🤣🤣


Is that a question or a statement?😜


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Did you before 🤣🤣🤣


Honestly, there's probably not enough 🍺🍺🍺 in the world. 😋


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Honestly, there's probably not enough 🍺🍺🍺 in the world. 😋


Have you ever seen each other ...... how can you know ? 😳😳😳😳


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sorry buddy but you are going to have to get those meatballs covered in sauce by being the sexual leader. If your girl doesn’t have it in her and you don’t have what it takes to pull that out of her then ....... dry meatballs it is 🤷‍♂️


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My first wife was more like yours, OP, but even with me initiating her libido was too lacking most of the time. I wanted the same thing you do though, so I specifically looked for that in my next relationship - and found it. As you get older, responsive desire really doesn't cut it, IMO, since your libido will decline, hers will probably decline, and sex will become a nostalgic memory if she won't participate more to make it work.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

telling somebody that you want them to want you is too vague. It doesn't help. 

Be specific. Tell your partner exactly what behaviors you would like to see / experience so you could feel more loved. Do you want the other person to initiate sex more? To walk up to you & kiss you or squeeze your butt? Would you like a hug? Spell it out. 

If you make it easier for the other person, you are more likely to get what you want.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Big picture reality is the real, your wants and needs, though real to you, are smaller, and one-sided real.

We are not masters of the world, not even in the bedroom.

Why?

There are many more other wants in the world, and there is one other set of wants in the bedroom, hers.

Life is a compromise, all the way down to that bartering for affection.

You may find a partner who is more aggressive in the bedroom, but she may be less desirable in all those other shared endeavors.

That said...I feel your pain.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is it too much to ask that people actually choose a mate who already meets their needs rather than expect or wish or hope that the person will transform after the marriage ceremony? Yes, it may be asking too much.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Is it too much to ask that people actually choose a mate who already meets their needs rather than expect or wish or hope that the person will transform after the marriage ceremony? Yes, it may be asking too much.


It shouldn't be all that hard. That's what dating is for, supposedly, to decide if someone is compatible and meets your key needs and wants. Most people, however, are notoriously bad long-term thinkers, and neglect to consider that the early days impressions are heavily influenced by infatuation. I am somewhat guilty of that for my first marriage, but was far more careful this time (and this time has worked for a long time).


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## Meatball (Sep 17, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Is it too much to ask that people actually choose a mate who already meets their needs rather than expect or wish or hope that the person will transform after the marriage ceremony? Yes, it may be asking too much.


LOL, I wish! 

Seriously though, I respect your answer, and appreciate your candor. That IS the ideal solution. But, people CAN'T make wise choices without wisdom! 

I think everyone, on TAM, is here looking for the "sex ed", personal development training, and relationship knowledge that we NEVER GOT in our developmental years.

The ability to pick the right partner (for you), would require that we all be raised without shame, guilt, lies, ignorance, or all the other emotional scars caused by minor, and major, childhood traumas. We would have to be taught how to communicate, express our wants and needs, say no, set boundries, know and love ourselves, and how to show our love to others. We would have to grow up learning that it is "OK" to have wants, needs, and desires (including sex, love, romance, and kinks) We would have to grow up learning that "I AM ok" and "It's OK to BE ME". We would all have to be taught sex education that was real, true, meaningful, and actually applicable to our future relationships, including much of the information found here on TAM. Along with this education, we would need to have practice, which leads to experience, which leads to knowledge, which only THEN leads to wisdom.

Without this education, without any real guidance from our parents, and VERY limited experience with relationships and sex partners, other than what we learned from our parents, porn, and the media, A LOT of people are forced to make one of the most important decisions of their life, blindly. (Then they, like me, end up on TAM playing catch up!).


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

In other words, "It sure would be nice if my wife validated me in the most obvious way... by showing that I turn her on to the point of her actually WANTING me, sexually." Women tend to be highly-tuned validating machines early in the relationship (in all ways... not just sexually). That naturally dwindles over time. Women are always amazed at how little effort it takes to make your man feel like king of the world.

Check out my book! *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Meatball said:


> .......So, am I chasing unicorns?
> Asking too much?
> Why is it SOOOOO common for one partner in every couple to be so "uncompelled" to "express" their desire?


Talk to your wife about sexual role playing. Maybe you can get her to provide you the occasional illusion of being sexually desired. The problem is you can't change her behaviors or beliefs, she has to do that and only is she wants. Role playing allows one to do things they wouldn't normally do and excuse the behavior as a game.

Good luck.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

dadstartingover said:


> Women are always amazed at how little effort it takes to make your man feel like king of the world.


This is true. I came in from working out this morning and my wife had just gotten out of the shower and was putting on a matching bra and panty set. I was like SWEET JESUS. So I tell her damn I am going to play with that later because you can’t be putting it on and keeping it to yourself.

She says “tee hee hee”.

After lunch I tell her, “Hey I remember what you’re wearing under that. I am taking that later and I’m going to play with it.”

She says, “Oh I have work and blah blah such and so”. I’m like well that’s ok you can go off and do that now but I’m telling you right now I am not going to be denied. “Tee hee hee…”

Matching bra and panty set and I will crawl over broken glass. That is how easy it is for her.


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## 31done (Sep 9, 2021)

I have been in a dead bedroom for 15 out of my 31 years of marriage. I have tried everything except straight up communication, which I actually read on here… “ Love me or let me go.” That is what I should have said. Instead I had a very short affair and got caught. If I thought that was going to make it better what was I thinking. I just wanted to feel loved, be touched, kissed. I wanted to be wrapped so tight and didn’t want him to let go. But I didn’t tell him that. So my advice, communicate! We have never been good at it. But there is still hope for you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I love that song and that band. But Robin Zander wasn't talking about wanting women to take the lead necessarily. When they played that song during the early days in clubs, women moved toward the stage slowly like zombies. 

You're just talking about having a specialized sexual need. The more specialized and rare your need is, the harder it is to find partners. It's not that there aren't any out there, but unless they're just happens to be a social circle for that exact thing, it's going to be hard to find them. And there will be fewer to choose from. And the ones that might be willing might not be attractive to you. 

Now I know a lot of women who will be at different times assertive or passive in bed during sex. But when I see men talking about wanting women to initiate on this forum, that's a different subject. And the crux of the problem is men just want sex more than women, so it's not that one might not initiate once in awhile but maybe you're not waiting long enough for her to want sex bad enough to initiate. 

And the other thing I suspect is that a lot of men are missing cues because women just don't express initiating the same way as men do necessarily. 

If it was man on man, your odds would be much better.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Also, I never heard men complaining about this until porn became so commonplace. I first started hearing about it just a few years ago on another forum where there were lots of incels who rarely left their room and had no confidence and just a lot of fear. Now I'm not calling you that at all. You're married. That's just where I first started hearing men commenting about it. That group had watched nothing but porn and were waiting for a porn scenario to just come into their room and happen to them, a woman who would just beam into their laps while they were playing videogames. Those guys were paralyzed with fear and that was the only way I guess they could see sex happening to them. 

Just remember, those are not ordinary women. Those are paid or trafficked women in porn, and I'm not saying there's not some out there who will just come jump on you or grab you, but just try to remember testosterone is driving a lot of the initiation -- and women don't have much of that. I don't know if you've had your levels checked or not, but it's possible you also don't have much of it. 

A woman who will beg you for attention is probably not the mentally healthiest person either.


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