# it all started when 'strip club' came up



## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

need some help, asap before i really lose my mind.

i am not comfortable with my husband going to strip clubs. i never have been and i dont think i ever will be. i have friends that are strippers and i have been to strip clubs several times... so yes, i know what its all about but i am still not comfortable with him going. 

last night over his friends house have some drinks when his friend brought up going to the strip club next friday for another friends bachelor party type thing (my husband is not friends with this guy, and this guy just had his real bachelor party a few weeks ago but my husbands friend couldnt make it and wants to make it up to him.) i said outloud "nope hes not going!" in a tone which i thought was being kinda silly but yes, i was very serious about it. his friend kept pestering me and pestering me asking why? why not? and i could see my husband was getting upset with me but wasnt really saying much so i dropped it. he then made some snard remark about how he has to go now because i told him he cant go. whatever. we drove home in silence, didnt touch or speak before bed.

now this morning i got up and started getting ready because we had plans to go to the store. he wasnt speaking to me at all and was being weird. he finally said something, but said it with an attitude. i asked "what the hell is your problem?" & he started going on saying how i dont control him and cant tell him what to do, especially in front of his friends. how if he wants to go he will go. how he only wants to go once or twice a year and thought i would be over this by now. things got really heated. i yelled and said some things i shouldnt have, he said some hurtful things. basically just told me hes going to do what he wants and i need to deal with it and just stormed out for the gym.

upset, i immediately started texting him. he kept telling me to 'go away.' i just wanted to talk things out in a calmer way without yelling and squash it and move on with my day. but he wasnt having it. everything i said he responded with a short answer. again, kept telling me to go away. by this point i was crying pretty terribly and i honestly just wanted to make peace and stop the fighting. i told him we needed to talk things out instead of him always shutting down and not talking it out. 

these were his exact words to me:
'Nothings gotten solved in 5 yrs. same arguments. I tried dif techniques u stay the same its stays the same so I'm done arguing. I literally don't care enough like I'm not upset or mad just don't want to hear it'

i asked if he wanted to be single, he said no. i said he needs to respect me, he said he does respect me and if i dont see that theres nothing he can do. we were supposed to have people over but he told me he cancelled on them. he also told me i should just go to the store and go away.

he is due home from the gym any minute. im still sitting here because i feel like if i leave things will get worse. if i come home and hes not here because he went to go drink with his boys... it will be worse. what do i do!?! how do i handle this situation!?! i feel so strongly about him not wanting to go to the strip club but he feels so strongly about him doing what he wants and that i apparently just need to deal with it. things have been so good lately and i feel like this was one giant step backwards.:scratchhead:


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

ALSO: we only talk about issues on HIS terms. always. its like he is a different person when we are fighting. he doesnt look at me the same, touch me, kiss me, show any kind of emotion. its sickening.


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## janetjbi (Jul 10, 2010)

I feel really bad for you but learn from this. Never speak for a man especially when he is in the presence of other men be it family, friends, associates or strangers. Let a man be a man, once you remove his manhood it will take a very long time for him to recover. I am an ex stripper and what I know for sure is that men go to strip clubs to escape their reality. Strippers are successful at their jobs because they know how to make a man feel like he is the best thing on the planet. When he comes home, do not remind him of what needs to be done around the house even if you are furious, make him his favorite drink even if you are exhausted, dress sexy and invest in different perfume and make sure to maintain yourself, manicure, pedicure, hair, and do not forget to shave or wax and I am not just stating your legs. Invest in a few porn video's, learn a few tricks, but remember to never do what you are not comfortable with and discuss boundaries. If a man is getting a great meal, his wife is looking sexy the music and vibe is right and she is a freak in the bedroom, he will jump through hoops to give you what you want. Remember, stop complaining, maintain your looks and never look a hot mess when going to bed, because if he is not getting it from you, he will get it elsewhere. Marriage counseling can follow later. Good luck.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

trust me, i take care of myself. that is so far from any issue. i go to the gym, i do my hair, makeup, nails, etc. he cant keep his hands off me most of the time. his attraction to me has never been an issue. he tells me ALL of the time that i am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. that was the first thing he said to my cousin when he first met, and he reminds me of that all the time. it does bother him that i am insecure, but i have been working on that and that is another issue.

we have been together for just about 5 years and he has been to a strip club 2 maybe 3 times in those 5 years. when i ask him why he goes and what void is it filling he said im reading too much into it that its just fun guy time. but your words only make me feel that it is filling a void even more! 

however, i will learn from speaking for him/ to him in a certain way when he is with friends. i will learn from that. the strip club thing... there is just something i am not comfortable with.


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## janetjbi (Jul 10, 2010)

This I know for sure, if a man especially a married man know's that his wife is not comfortable with strip clubs he will never admit to frequenting them. Most men that attend strip clubs are married, and their wives are very beautiful, I know because I have seen quite a few in public with their families. It sounds as if you are trying as far as the maintenance department and good for you, but your husband is straying and he is going in a direction that you are not comfortable with. You have competition my dear, and not just one but several. Remember men go to strip clubs to escape their realities, they are not looking for a wife, mother, sister or friend. They are escaping to indulge in their sexual fantasies whether it be physical or mental. You never mentioned the porn videos or sexual fantasies, learn what turns him on and master them and have him master yours, explore your sexuality you may find out a few things about yourself. If you cannot do so then your marriage is in serious trouble unless he gives up the strip clubs period which he has stated he will not. Did he not mention that he does not respect you. Sit down with him without being confrontational and ask him why the respect is not there, the truth can be very painful to hear, but it is needed. In addition to regular therapy you both may want to try out a sex therapist. Go to you tube and enter madonna and justify my love. Great way to start exploring.


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## hopelessly_devoted (Jun 23, 2010)

i know for a fact that he doesnt frequent them. i know this because we are ALWAYS together and have the same circle of friends. he would have no problem telling me he went knowing i would be pissed. thats just how he is.

our sex life is great. in fact, we just talked about this 3 days ago. i definitely know what he likes, and delivers. as does he. he would like it more often, he said. he said he could never have enough but that i am giving him enough and he is very satisfied. i think you misread my post. he said he does respect me. 

i dont think hes straying at all. he truly considers it boy time and something he said he likes to do "once or twice a year." he isnt one of those dudes that frequents the club to escape his own reality as you stated above. i have no competition or fear of him going to find another woman. i just am not comfortable with him going, ever. whether it be once a year or once a month. i dont like it and i was looking for words of encouragement. words on how to be more comfortable with it.


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## janetjbi (Jul 10, 2010)

hopelessly_devoted said:


> i know for a fact that he doesnt frequent them. i know this because we are ALWAYS together and have the same circle of friends. he would have no problem telling me he went knowing i would be pissed. thats just how he is.
> 
> our sex life is great. in fact, we just talked about this 3 days ago. i definitely know what he likes, and delivers. as does he. he would like it more often, he said. he said he could never have enough but that i am giving him enough and he is very satisfied. i think you misread my post. he said he does respect me.
> 
> i dont think hes straying at all. he truly considers it boy time and something he said he likes to do "once or twice a year." he isnt one of those dudes that frequents the club to escape his own reality as you stated above. i have no competition or fear of him going to find another woman. i just am not comfortable with him going, ever. whether it be once a year or once a month. i dont like it and i was looking for words of encouragement. words on how to be more comfortable with it.



Well, I meant no offence. My husband does not agree with you and he has numerous friends that frequent strip clubs, he stated that I should tell you that "A strip club is not a place for guy time" and that "You must establish boundaries in a relationship". 

It's clear that your husband does not respect you (Your words not mine). My statements were based on my unique perspective in regards to strip clubs as I was a former dancer. You have to understand that your husband is blatantly disregarding your feelings on the matter and trying to justify his actions based on his infrequency you in turn are justifying his actions as well by reiterating that he only went "2 or 3 times". 

Did you know about his strip club going ways prior to marriage? Was this discussed prior to marriage? The bottom line is that you two have a lot to sit down and talk about. Good luck.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, I don't think your H's problem was the strip club at all. I think it was that more than likely you embarrassed him in front of his friend. It was inappropriate to bring it up then. If you heard them talking about it you should have waited until you were home and asked if you could talk about it when it was just the two of you.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

This sentence..........


hopelessly_devoted said:


> i have no competition or fear of him going to find another woman.


and then this sentence immediately following..........


hopelessly_devoted said:


> i just am not comfortable with him going, ever.


..........only tells me one thing: that this whole issue is a matter of control. If you have no concern for the purpose or outcome, then there should be no concern that he goes. That alone should teach you a little something about yourself - that you are controlling and getting on your husband's nerves. 

To prove to you again that you are controlling...........


hopelessly_devoted said:


> whether it be once a year or once a month. i dont like it


And to prove to you a third time that you are controlling............


hopelessly_devoted said:


> i said outloud "nope hes not going!" in a tone which i thought was being kinda silly but yes, i was very serious about it.


You are a big girl who should be able to understand that in order to receive respect you have to give respect. You are old enough to know how insanely disrespectful.....and controlling.....that was. You should not need anyone to tell you that. But you want so badly to control your husband that you don't know the first thing about respecting him. I don't even recall reading anything in your posts about you apologizing for embarrassing him. You just kept texting him to talk about it and telling him he needs to respect you. But as it turns out, what you call him respecting you is you wanting him to allow you to control him. I am all for respect and would think your concerns valid if he attended more often, but you have to see the difference between wanting respect and wanting control. 

Your husband is not your child. Often times, a parent's answer to a child is "because I said so." They don't feel they have to give a reason to a CHILD because they don't feel, and rightfully so, they owe their child any particular respect in that area. The purpose is simply to make the child obey. Can you give a reason you don't want him in a strip club? Or do you just want him to obey you? You already stated there is no danger there, so what is your reason? In what way is it disrespectful of you for him to want to go? He can't touch the women, so what is the problem? He doesn't sneak behind your back, so what is the harm? Think about this. I know you want to answer "I just don't want him to" which you have to see is an issue of your control, not his disrespect. So you have to give him an answer better than that but you can't, and that is the reason this becomes a recurring argument. Therein also lies the answer to your own question of how to become comfortable with him going. Simply let go of the frame of mind that your husband is yours to control.

Here is another answer to your question............


hopelessly_devoted said:


> and i was looking for words of encouragement. words on how to be more comfortable with it.


.......just the fact that you asked means you know it is possible, so just do it. Be more comfortable with it simply because you believe there exists a way to be more comfortable with it. There may not be anyone who can offer you the magic potion to becoming comfortable, or you may not like the answer. But that you can, that someone might be able to convince you is reason enough to rely on your own devices and just do it.

Now I hope you will go apologize to your husband and tell him you hope he has fun next Friday.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

You need to sit down and decide what it is you hate about the strip club exactly.

For me, 

A naked girl rubbing herself all over and dancing on my husband upon his will is cheating, period. Fantasy whatever aside, thats all a lame excuse, sad, pathetic, and its cheating.

I made this blatently clear to my husband, he doesn't get it, I don't rightly care if he does, it makes me sick to think about and I'd never do it to him.

I found out that the batchelor party after being told my marrige would never happen should they, brought him to a strip club anyways.

They made up a great story and for over a year have lied to me about it. None of them are welcomed in my house. and further, the welts I had to look at on my honey moon were from some poor girl with no self esteem who bases all her self worth on money beating my husband with his belt.

IF your husband doesn't respect you enough not to do something that hurts you, he doesn't respect you. It's not "guy time" its a bunch of pigs sitting around squealing at a bunch of women selling their bodies instead of working for a living.

That aside, you need to determine what the real issue is, if its the control, if you're really uncomfortable with it, if its your self esteem..you need to pinpoint the real problem.

because nothing can work if problems can't be resolved. Be honest with yourself. I know where my issue with them stands, I know what my boundaries are, and I make sure they're clearly announced. 

You need to as well, because all your doing is putting your foot down at your husband for no real reason from his perspective, and that will get you nowhere.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

DawnD said:


> Honestly, I don't think your H's problem was the strip club at all. I think it was that more than likely you embarrassed him in front of his friend. It was inappropriate to bring it up then. If you heard them talking about it you should have waited until you were home and asked if you could talk about it when it was just the two of you.


Dawn nailed it. The issue isn't the strip club, but the way you undressed him in front of other people.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Strip Clubs are another product of social programming..in part Men enjoy strip clubs because it's about feeling special and wanted without conditions - but also because they are taught to associate going to one as having a privileged good time. Strippers aren't going to nag at a man & don't have expectations. Its a drama free setting - an aspect that draws men! Do all men that go to strip clubs cheat with a stripper? no. Not all men venture there for the same reasons as some I believe are merely tagging along with male friends that do need that attention & fantasy world they get from visiting. Personally, I know my husband well and know his intentions & views on strip clubs. I trust him enough to let strip club visits be a light hearted entertainment thing. Just as I appreciate art, I can appreciate beautiful women and realize that my husband gets pleasure in having a wife that isnt going to make a big deal out of it. I believe my husband is less likely to do something hurtful behind my back if I demonstrate a high level of trust & faith in him. The harder you push and pull on a man, the farther they will want to get away from you. No man wants a Mommy or a nag - it's what kill most marriages today. Stripping a man of is freewill will only bite YOU in the azz. 
Now, I do have an issue with men that don't make a small effort to talk with their wife about their intentions and how they feel about strip clubs. Being defiant was rude of him but at the same time your pushing warranted it. The subject has already become hasty so you two will need a lot of mellow communication about whats going on. Let him have space if he is asking for it. I know youre anxious to make things right but he is not emotionally ready to handle the process it takes to get there. Be patient and rethink your trust in him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrHope (Jul 12, 2010)

I have to agree with nice777guy and the other ones that said its not the strip club. 
Most of us dont like to be told what to do in front of others by our spouces. I have not been to a strip club in over 10 years. one of the few time i did go when i was married my wife was answering an add in the paper and did not relize what the add was for I told her but she had to see for her self.
any way it proble how you said it. it probaly would of been better if you would of said some thing like you can go but yor sleepng on the couch, or said it would be ok to go but he will have to do or not do something for a while. if you tell he in front of other in a joking light it probaly would have gone over better. I try to tell my wife that and some time she gets it but most of the time she dosent. He famile has called me her dog becuase they think she wears the pant i I do wjat she wants. but i dont its just how she yells me to do stuff. she never asks me she demand it or tells me in a maner that i just ignor her half the time. remember that if you want him to not go ask him not to go or tell him you will strip for him that night. make the other guse jealous. it they say they wish they had a wife like you he would not behappier. but i dont know your H and how he responds to you.


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