# 23 years lost?



## lostandafriad (Mar 19, 2014)

I am considering divorce and I would like as much advice as I can get. I wont give all the details because that could go on a long time, but I will give some background. 

I have been married for 23 years. My H has been a heavy drug user on and off for more than 10 years. This caused financial problems, and he was emotionally abusive...obvious problems associated with drug use. I wanted out but he threatened suicide if I mentioned leaving, so I stayed. However, I finally had all I could stand and I left. While we were separated, I was seeing another man. I know I was wrong and I take responsibility for it. We are back together and I told him about it and asked his forgiveness. I dont know if he ever cheated on me but there is evidence that makes me suspicious although I never had proof. We agreed to do whatever we could to make the marriage work. 

He is now using again and he cant get over my "mistake". Things are not really good and I think every day about divorce. My problem is I dont want to hurt him. He obviously has problems he cant control and I dont have the heart to abandon him. I really dont want anything bad to happen to him. 

I have read "Codependent No More", and "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", but I still struggle with how to handle this. I have made a list of reasons to leave and reasons to stay. I would like to share this list in hopes that someone can give me their opinions.

Reasons to leave: 1. He's on drugs 2. He's a hothead 3. He cant get over my mistake and I feel like I "Pay for it" every day. 4. He's always sad and angry 5. we cant go certain places or do certain thing because it is a "trigger" to him about why I did and he gets angry 6. He always thinks I'm doing things behind his back so I dont go out or talk to anyone 7. He has trouble having sex with me 8. He keeps me very stressed 9. I dont trust him or anything he says, he lies a lot 10. He's too flirty with women and possibly cheated on me or was trying to 11. He manipulates me 12. I'm not happy, hes not happy

Reasons to stay: 1. I love him (I know that sounds ridiculous) 2. He tries to make me happy despite everything else 3. he supports me financially 4. I know he loves me 5. I will miss him and be lonely 6. I am afraid of what he will do (Suicide) 7. I dont want to hurt him 8. Spiritual reason (is this right in God's eyes?) 9. I feel guilty and dont want to abandon him 10. Despite all of the bad things he does, he can be a good husband, he has a big heart and he shows me he cares by comforting me when I am sad and doing anything I want to do even if he doesnt want to or doesnt feel good. He is very affectionate and always tells me he loves me and wants to show me he does.

I dont know what is best for me or him. We are both trying to make it work but there is so much between us. I cant afford counseling, thats why I am here. Maybe someone can help me...please.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you come back, after being separated? Why wasn't "no drugs" a condition for you coming back?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

First off, I am sorry for your situation.....

If you were having these same troubles with your H and 

a) he was not on drugs
b) he was willing to go to counseling and work on himself too

then I would think there would be reason to stay and try. But the first big red flag is the drug use. You are not even married to your H anymore. You are married to the drugs. Every thing about him is the drugs.

One option you can try is to separate again. Make it perfectly clear that unless he goes to rehab, gets long term support for his drug habit, it is over. You will wait x amount of time for him to pull it together. If he doesn't then you will file. If he does but slips up and starts using again, you will file. If he makes great improvement, you move back in and then slips up, you will file. 

In addition to this, he would have to agree to go to marriage counseling.


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## lostandafriad (Mar 19, 2014)

He promised to quit if I came back and he did. He has done rehab and drug counseling. I know he tries to quit but at this point I think our biggest issue is what I did.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If he's not willing to work on dealing with the situation, then you'll be doing you both a favor by ending it. Letting things fester isn't going to make it better. 

How long were you separated? Was there any discussion about seeing other people while separated?

And quite honestly, the drugs would be a full-stop to me. They go and don't come back, or there's no marriage to work on. But that's just my POV. And you don't actually mention which drugs and how extensive his use is, so it's a little hard to tell. A joint once a week wouldn't exactly be the same as a meth-head turning tricks every night to feed a habit...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

lostandafriad said:


> He promised to quit if I came back and he did. He has done rehab and drug counseling. I know he tries to quit but at this point I think our biggest issue is what I did.


That is an excuse. He is a druggy, period. Druggies use any excuse they can to blame shift. 

I understand you wanting to spare his feelings. But you are not helping him. You read those books and know perfectly well that you are silently giving him permission to continue using drugs, and put the responsibility and blame onto you. You cannot stop him from hurting himself if he wants to whether you are married or not.

Stay and let him continue to drag you down with him until there is nothing left of you, or go find a healthy life.


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## lostandafriad (Mar 19, 2014)

PBear, he was strung out on cocaine and any pills he could get. Now its pills, no cocaine. He buys them from people he knows.

I feel guilty for what I did and how it hurt him. I really regret it. My mind was a mess then and it was a huge mistake. I dont know, I guess I feel like I owe him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What you owe him (and you too) is to stop enabling him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

JustHer said:


> First off, I am sorry for your situation.....
> 
> If you were having these same troubles with your H and
> 
> ...


This sounds like the best advice IMO. Druggies promises are often empty promises said so they can still get their fix. Thinking he will loose everything may jolt him back to reality but be prepared to accept that it may not work,if that is the case you need to follow through & complete your threat if it comes to that.


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## lostandafriad (Mar 19, 2014)

Is this my fault? He says he went back to drugs because he needed relief from the hurt he felt. He tells me every day that he is brokenhearted. He has told me that what I did is so much worse than anything he ever did and if I hadnt done that we could be happy.

Maybe he is right. I would be happier if I hadnt but I dont think he is blameless. However, he does say he knows what he did and he has apologized and asked my forgiveness many times.

Should I feel this guilty? Is this really his biggest problem or is he shifting attention away from his wrongdoing?

All of this has made me crazy


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I don't know your whole story. You said that you were seeing someone else while you were separated. OK.

As far as your H goes, so he has to deal with an unpleasant situation. We all do. I could write a book on the trials and tribulations that have left me wounded and heartbroken I have been through in my life. Never once did I turn to drugs or alcohol.

Your H is weak and is projecting that onto you and you are allowing him to do so. His drug habit has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

You need to separate yourself from the situation so your eyes can clear.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You haven't answered any questions about your separation or divorce. So it's hard to give any feedback. But in general, going back to drugs as a coping mechanism is just justifying him doing what he wants to do. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lostandafriad said:


> Is this my fault? He says he went back to drugs because he needed relief from the hurt he felt. He tells me every day that he is brokenhearted. He has told me that what I did is so much worse than anything he ever did and if I hadnt done that we could be happy.
> 
> Maybe he is right. I would be happier if I hadnt but I dont think he is blameless. However, he does say he knows what he did and he has apologized and asked my forgiveness many times.
> 
> ...


BS...he's blame-shifting. 

He's using your relationship with another man, while you were separated, as his excuse for him to use drugs again. It's a perfect excuse for him...you become his scapegoat.

This guy is a loser. Get out for good, take care of yourself and end contact with him permanently. He's going to kill himself eventually, whether it's on drugs blaming you, or on drugs begging for you back. 

You can't fix him and it's not your job. You are wasting your life with this dude. I've known many women in my life just like you...oh, the wasted years and guilt they absorbed.

Pack your chit and move out. If you really wanted to help the guy, you could call the cops on his "friends" the drug pushers. Some friends.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

lostandafriad said:


> Is this my fault? He says he went back to drugs because he needed relief from the hurt he felt. He tells me every day that he is brokenhearted. He has told me that what I did is so much worse than anything he ever did and if I hadnt done that we could be happy.


Bullsh!t.

You have to own the relationship with the OM. That was your choice. 

However, YOU did not make your husband DO this. Using drugs is his choice and he has to own it. 

For your own sanity you must establish relationship boundaries. My husband used to smoke pot daily. His enjoyed it and said he used it to relax because I made him miserable and he couldn't sleep with all the problems in our marriage. But when he ran out of pot he would go into rages and become verbally abusive. It scared the hell out of me and our son. I told my husband he had to choose: his family or pot. He chose his family. And he KNOWS if he starts smoking again, I'm gone. It is non-negotiable


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## jj-page (Sep 23, 2012)

> I dont know what is best for me or him. We are both trying to make it work but there is so much between us. I cant afford counseling, thats why I am here. Maybe someone can help me...please.


If you both can't afford counseling can you afford a divorce? I went through a divorce 1 year ago and I would say counseling is much cheaper.

When my ex-wife got involved with her HS boyfriend from 30 years ago, he had a binge drinking problem. When he was depressed he would drink a whole bottle of whisky. Her affair ended due to his drinking (substance abuse) but after I would not reconcile with her she married him 2 months after our divorce. My point, substance abuse must be treated professionally!! Did he get professional treatment? If not then he could stray back to that again.


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## jj-page (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh BTW, I was married 24 years, so I really know what you are going through. Take care.


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

I'm co-dependent too, and although I don't have a drug addiction, I have another kind: I'm addicted to finding a way to blame myself. Then I have a good excuse to continue my co-dependent behavior, because changing that is terrifying. It means confronting some long long ago hardwiring in my heart that tells me I'm a vile person, a worthless person, if I don't give myself away to someone else. 

I think part of your husband knows this, knows you'd rather accept blame for being "bad" than that sense of freezing nothingness. And that once you accept blame for that, you accept your "duty" to repent - and give him your life.

I'm going out on a limb and projecting here, but if that sounds familiar to you, maybe it's time for you to think about the first person who manipulated you that way. For me ... the first step in saying no to today's abuse was saying no to yesterday's.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

his drug use is not your fault. You made a mistake as you were weak from his abuse and it sounds like you had already checked out, not to say that it was ok. He needs to own up to the problems he caused and it sounds like he needs to do more on his part in saving the marriage if that is what you both want.


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