# New to this..



## Jlb12

Hello all,

I’m struggling to stay in my marriage and thought a support group might be of help. I think if it weren’t for my son, it would be a much easier decision, however, that’s not the case. My husband (son’s bonus dad) likes to use the “I’m done” line often and each time we have a minor disagreement. This last time, it hit me differently. Was I sad? Of course, but I had the thought of well maybe you are right. He’s out of state on a business trip right now so him and I will “try” to discuss later. Any tips on how to approach individuals who use the “I’m done” line often?


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## Hiner112

Does he mean that he's done arguing right now? Does he mean that he isn't ever going to discuss the issue?

It is a perfectly reasonable thing to say that you're too emotionally worked up to deal with a particular issue at the moment in a reasonable way. It is a lot less reasonable to mean that you're never going to revisit the topic. It could also mean that the "minor issue" isn't important enough to him to fight about. "You win, can we please move on now?" in other words

Of course, not every issue needs to be resolved every time. You can have a perfectly healthy relationship and not agree on everything.

As for approaching him, you might try to get at what he means by "I'm done." For best results you should try to ask in a way that isn't confrontational or he'll shortly be done with the follow on discussion of what that means. If he's stonewalling then you're seeing one of the horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.


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## Lostinthought61

Tell me what would life look like if you both divorce? how would you support yourself ? When you say bonus dad is he his step father? how long have you been married? Sometimes if you realistically look at worse case scenarios it will better help you focus on the problem. I am not suggesting you will both take this path, but you need to look what that path will look like.


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## Jlb12

Yes he means it like he’s done with the marriage and will start discussing him moving out or my son and I moving out. We bought the house together a few years ago.


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## Jlb12

Lostinthought61 said:


> Tell me what would life look like if you both divorce? how would you support yourself ? When you say bonus dad is he his step father? how long have you been married? Sometimes if you realistically look at worse case scenarios it will better help you focus on the problem. I am not suggesting you will both take this path, but you need to look what that path will look like.


Reply: I make more than enough to support my son and I and am the so called “bread winner”. He does have a good job as well. We’ve both been married once before and he is my son’s step dad. In my mind, he says this because he’s afraid of not being the one who chooses to leave.


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## Jlb12

Hiner112 said:


> Does he mean that he's done arguing right now? Does he mean that he isn't ever going to discuss the issue?
> 
> It is a perfectly reasonable thing to say that you're too emotionally worked up to deal with a particular issue at the moment in a reasonable way. It is a lot less reasonable to mean that you're never going to revisit the topic. It could also mean that the "minor issue" isn't important enough to him to fight about. "You win, can we please move on now?" in other words
> 
> Of course, not every issue needs to be resolved every time. You can have a perfectly healthy relationship and not agree on everything.
> 
> As for approaching him, you might try to get at what he means by "I'm done." For best results you should try to ask in a way that isn't confrontational or he'll shortly be done with the follow on discussion of what that means. If he's stonewalling then you're seeing one of the horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.





Yes he means it like he’s done with the marriage and will start discussing him moving out or my son and I moving out. We bought the house together a few years ago.


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## Lostinthought61

Would both you be open to marriage counseling ? or do you feel that you are personally done?


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## Openminded

He’s your son’s stepdad? Why does that make it difficult to leave?


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## Jlb12

Openminded said:


> He’s your son’s stepdad? Why does that make it difficult to leave?


Because he’s been in his life for almost 4 years and he’s attached. He has feelings too.


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## Prodigal

You have the financial resources to leave. Take him up on his offer the next time he suggests it. My guess is he'll fold like a house of cards.

What he's doing is a manipulative/control technique to get you to stop discussing/arguing about whatever.

Oh, and if he doesn't fold and stands firm in pulling the plug on the marriage, I'd say you haven't lost much after all.


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## Jlb12

Lostinthought61 said:


> Would both you be open to marriage counseling ? or do you feel that you are personally done?


He has mentioned it. I’m actively searching for one now.


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## Openminded

Jlb12 said:


> Because he’s been in his life for almost 4 years and he’s attached. He has feelings too.


How old is he?


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## Jlb12

Openminded said:


> How old is he?


Almost 6.


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## Openminded

Jlb12 said:


> Almost 6.


Yeah, that time is a significant part of his life.


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## BigDaddyNY

He's done it so many times it seems a bit like an empty threat and you might try calling his bluff. The risk is he really may follow through. 

Throwing around divorce in an argument, repeatedly, obviously means there are significant marital issues. Maybe he doesn't know how to effectively communicate what his thoughts are during an argument and just throws that out there. Not making excuses, it is a very bad thing to do. 

Have you tried talking to him about how it makes you feel to be constantly under that threat? What he is saying, repeatedly, is that he doesn't want to be married to you. I don't know how often that actually happens to you, but every time has to be painful. Its right up there with I don't love you anymore. I know you want to stay together for the sake of your child, but do you really want him exposed to an unhappy marriage that has the constant threat of divorce hanging over it? . Should a kid grow up in that environment? Have you tried or discuss marriage counseling?

You may also want to talk to a divorce attorney just to be prepared.


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## Prodigal

I realize my response to you wasn't particularly constructive. I apologize. I can certainly understand that you want your son to have a stable environment. The thing is, kids are very perceptive and can pick up on vibes between parents. From the sound of it, your husband starts threatening dissolution of the marriage even if your arguments are relatively minor. That's concerning, because it sounds like he's not particularly reasonable in working through differences between the two of you.

You claim your husband uses the "I'm done" statement frequently. Not good. Not good at all. By saying that, he's fighting dirty, disrespecting you, and manipulating.

If you plan to have "the talk" with him, I'd suggest you have firm boundaries in place as to what you will and will not accept. JMO, but I think you have to be willing to walk away from this relationship if there's any chance of saving it. Your husband needs to know you've had enough of his nonsense. If he decides to continue on this path, you'll have to tell him YOU are done.


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## heartsbeating

My feeble offering is as follows... and I'm curious... how have you responded when he does this?

I wonder if you could let him know that you feel sadness with him saying this, and that it's not the first time that he has and it pushes you away; and that if he means it, then okay, where to from here; and if he doesn't mean it, then he needs to cut it out. In other words, 'If you keep saying this to me, I'm going to take you on your word and act accordingly. If it's some kind of defensive mechanism, that's not helpful to us and I won't put up with it any more.'

Like I said, rookie advice yet there ya have it. Welcome to TAM!


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## Goobertron

I wonder if there's more to it. If possible try to take a peak at his phone and email. If he's frequently out of the state on business trips he's at high risk of infidelity. He may have a plan B and is kind of toying with the idea of doing something.

Ultimatums aren't acceptable in a negotiation. I'd recommend counselling and get him to talk openly. Perhaps he feels he isn't getting enough support or that you aren't really listening when he tries to communicate. We all have an agenda.

However there's also a kind of passive aggression I know some people learn to use. An old friend of mine would just not say anything to his partner for long periods of time. Effectively ghosting her in the relationship. By the time she came chasing him he felt he had gained the dominant hand. He has a highly strategic, Asbergeresque, Machiavellian kind of mind. It's the "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen" approach to taming one's partner. 

It's not fair treatment in a relationship I reckon. It would probably take a counsellor, or gentle third party, to call it out without making him get defensive. It's a defense mechanism.


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## Jlb12

BigDaddyNY said:


> He's done it so many times it seems a bit like an empty threat and you might try calling his bluff. The risk is he really may follow through.
> 
> Throwing around divorce in an argument, repeatedly, obviously means there are significant marital issues. Maybe he doesn't know how to effectively communicate what his thoughts are during an argument and just throws that out there. Not making excuses, it is a very bad thing to do.
> 
> Have you tried talking to him about how it makes you feel to be constantly under that threat? What he is saying, repeatedly, is that he doesn't want to be married to you. I don't know how often that actually happens to you, but every time has to be painful. Its right up there with I don't love you anymore. I know you want to stay together for the sake of your child, but do you really want him exposed to an unhappy marriage that has the constant threat of divorce hanging over it? . Should a kid grow up in that environment? Have you tried or discuss marriage counseling?
> 
> You may also want to talk to a divorce attorney just to be prepared.


We’ve both been married previously and I think that has some play into this. I personally believe he says it because he doesn’t want to be the one “surprised” if I ever choose to leave, as his x wife did. He says I treat him like a child. At this point and the messes he makes, I truly might but it’s not intentional. He can’t walk 3 feet to the trash can, puts dishes in the sink with food on them, drops his clothes wherever his heart desires, and is constantly leaving things in the backyard that results in the dogs destroying it, which means he is going to go out and replace the item. Avoidable in my opinion. It’s all the little things that add up to become a HUGE issue. When trying to discuss with him, he deflects and it always becomes my fault and it’s because I do x, y, z. I’m just at a loss at this point.


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## Jlb12

Goobertron said:


> I wonder if there's more to it. If possible try to take a peak at his phone and email. If he's frequently out of the state on business trips he's at high risk of infidelity. He may have a plan B and is kind of toying with the idea of doing something.
> 
> Ultimatums aren't acceptable in a negotiation. I'd recommend counselling and get him to talk openly. Perhaps he feels he isn't getting enough support or that you aren't really listening when he tries to communicate. We all have an agenda.
> 
> However there's also a kind of passive aggression I know some people learn to use. An old friend of mine would just not say anything to his partner for long periods of time. Effectively ghosting her in the relationship. By the time she came chasing him he felt he had gained the dominant hand. He has a highly strategic, Asbergeresque, Machiavellian kind of mind. It's the "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen" approach to taming one's partner.
> 
> It's not fair treatment in a relationship I reckon. It would probably take a counsellor, or gentle third party, to call it out without making him get defensive. It's a defense mechanism.


I have looked occasionally through his phone, emails, etc and found nothing. His x wife had an affair so I truly don’t think he would put someone through that. The thought has crossed my mind though to be honest about him but no evidence to support the thought.
He may do it for the “control”. We both have dominate personalities, both have successful careers where we manage others, and anytime I try to talk to him his response at times is “don’t treat me like one of your employees”. Im literally not raising my voice, saying anything mean, just trying to talk about the situation at hand. At that point it gets dropped and not discussed.


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## BigDaddyNY

Jlb12 said:


> We’ve both been married previously and I think that has some play into this. I personally believe he says it because he doesn’t want to be the one “surprised” if I ever choose to leave, as his x wife did. He says I treat him like a child. At this point and the messes he makes, I truly might but it’s not intentional. He can’t walk 3 feet to the trash can, puts dishes in the sink with food on them, drops his clothes wherever his heart desires, and is constantly leaving things in the backyard that results in the dogs destroying it, which means he is going to go out and replace the item. Avoidable in my opinion. It’s all the little things that add up to become a HUGE issue. When trying to discuss with him, he deflects and it always becomes my fault and it’s because I do x, y, z. I’m just at a loss at this point.


These really sound like typical marital issues. Have you ever talked about going to marriage counseling? It may help to have a 3rd party take an more objective view on the situation.

I would also tell him straight up that just because he doesn't want to be the one to get dumped it still hurts to constantly be threatened with divorce. Again, maybe something a counselor could help with.


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## Jlb12

heartsbeating said:


> My feeble offering is as follows... and I'm curious... how have you responded when he does this?
> 
> I wonder if you could let him know that you feel sadness with him saying this, and that it's not the first time that he has and it pushes you away; and that if he means it, then okay, where to from here; and if he doesn't mean it, then he needs to cut it out. In other words, 'If you keep saying this to me, I'm going to take you on your word and act accordingly. If it's some kind of defensive mechanism, that's not helpful to us and I won't put up with it any more.'
> 
> Like I said, rookie advice yet there ya have it. Welcome to TAM!


I try to let him know how I feel but it doesn’t work out well. I of course cry because I’m upset. Although this last time, hit me differently and I’m starting to wonder if he isn’t into something. Maybe we should take a break and see how we do without each other for a few months. During that go through counseling. I’m typically not one to put up with anyone’s **** but since having my son, and him being the basis of all my decisions, it’s changed that a little I guess.


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## Jlb12

BigDaddyNY said:


> These really sound like typical marital issues. Have you ever talked about going to marriage counseling? It may help to have a 3rd party take an more objective view on the situation.
> 
> I would also tell him straight up that just because he doesn't want to be the one to get dumped it still hurts to constantly be threatened with divorce. Again, maybe something a counselor could help with.


I’m actively searching for one. Hoping it will help.


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## Al_Bundy

How much time was there between this and your last marriages? Is it possible you two were great for each other just getting out of a marriage, but then you both mentally moved on?


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## Jlb12

Al_Bundy said:


> How much time was there between this and your last marriages? Is it possible you two were great for each other just getting out of a marriage, but then you both mentally moved on?


Both were a few years.


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## Prodigal

My take on it is your husband doesn't know how to compromise. He wants to be a slob. You don't like it? Then leave. At least, that's what I'm getting from what you've said thus far. Okay, so he got crapped on by his ex. That doesn't give him the right to threaten to leave this marriage because of his previous marriage. And, frankly, I think he's using it as an excuse to perpetuate his behavior(s).

The picture you've painted of your husband makes him sound childish and close-minded. Does he have redeeming qualities? If so, what are they? Because from where I'm sitting, your husband sounds like the type of man I'd run away from - far and fast.


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## Goobertron

I'd just like to say if the two of you aren't happy being around each other (for example, you prefer it when he's not there) I wouldn't recommend staying together for the child. Kids are very adaptive and yeah they are also affected by arguing, relationship distance, feelings of being ignored and abandoned etc. It would be better to transition to a calmer environment than hold on to a constant negative vibe of unresolved conflict.

When my parents got separated and divorced I was only 6 years old myself and I'd already come to think of my dad as a grump who was difficult and controlling. When my parents broke up I didn't miss my dad as much as you might think . He has a big ego and would struggle to accept this. I didn't want to be like him.

Also I myself am divorced and have a grown son who is 19. I've worried about him all through the divorce, with his school, his mum's new partner and step-dad etc. He's been fine, hey he's got a lot going on with two houses as it is. I'm like Batman and he's my ward and heir to the family fortune and my ex-wife is free to make her own choices. I could have spared myself the guilt and anxiety.

Sure he may have missed his step-dad if my ex-wife and him broke up but yeah life moves on at a rapid pace when we're young. I'd encourage kids keeping a fond memory of an ex (which may not necessarily be shared by all parties). Eg. my sister hated my mum's ex boyfriends where as my brother and I were all very open minded and accepting to all of them.

I think boys are more likely to accept a (potential older buddy, play-mate) step-dad than daughters. But yeah my mum had a couple of boyfriends as we kids grew up. (Literally two of them - both wouldn't really commit to a single mother with three kids to be honest - and she had to wait until she was 50 to meet her next husband and get married. By then we'd all flown the nest.)


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