# Advice for how to talk about "The big stuff"



## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

My (43m) wife (44f) and I have been married for 12 years. We have three children, 11, 9, and 5, and I have an 18 yo from a previous marriage who lives on his own at college currently.

We are sort of the opposite of your stereotypical man and woman. I was raised by my mom, and she taught me to express my feelings with those I trust. I am affectionate and a bit too much of a people pleaser. My wife, on the other hand, was raised in a communist east european country. She basically won't share her feelings unless they boil over and she can't keep them inside. I have tried to get her to go to therapy (I do), and she seems open to it, but I can't push too hard without triggering a negative response as she's fiercly independent. This means that any serious conversation has to be initiated by me, and I struggle to find a way to do that.

We have our issues, as any marriage does, but generally we laugh a lot and enjoy life. However, we have _zero_ family or friends we can rely on, so we never get time alone beyond during the day when all the kids are in school and we are both working from home. Still, there's just no forum for us to sit and talk about anything important. During the lockdowns in 2020, I got into some bad purchasing habits and ran up my credit cards. I wanted to tell her, but I just never found the right time. It blew up when she was refinancing our house and they raised concerns about my balances. We have moved forward on that, but it would have been a much less painful process if we'd just talked about it as it was happening.

So, my question is, how do you talk about "the big stuff". Do you have a set aside time for it every week? Do you get a sitter and go to dinner? Pillow talk before bed? I'm also not the most candid person anyway, so maybe I'm just overthinking it?


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

I don't thing there is an absolute right answer to this. As you have experienced saving it for the future is a disaster waiting to happen.

My life based observations are:

Tell bad news immediately and get all out at once

Good news - share and reshare

Keep talking, it makes the big stuff smaller as there are fewer (nasty) surprises

Suggest a fixed time each week to discuss the domestics (money, food, house, kids)

Avoid criticising

Avoid mixing serious discussions with other activities. It will screw up the good activity and cause resentment. Personally I'd avoid pillow talk for serious stuff as it will affect sleep or intimacy or both. None good.

Keep talking

Hope this helps.


Oh, and keep talking.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Nothing a lot you can do. My wife was the same... asking what was going on in her head or talking about her feelings was like drawing blood from a stone. I believe the only way is therapy, maybe couple counselling. Good luck. It's not easy.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Best is to write it out, hand it to her and get out of view for at least a few hours. A day is better. You will say what you what to say and not having to put up with her filibuster while you're trying to make a point. Get out of the people pleasing mode. Its detrimental to you, your family and makes you look like a real puzzy. Your old lady alreay has one. She doesn't need another.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ManOfManyWords said:


> My wife, on the other hand, was raised in a communist east european country. She basically won't share her feelings unless they boil over and she can't keep them inside. I have tried to get her to go to therapy (I do), and she seems open to it, but I can't push too hard without triggering a negative response as she's fiercly independent. This means that any serious conversation has to be initiated by me, and I struggle to find a way to do that.


So I'm a little bit confused here. Is the question "_how do I deal with the difference in our emotional styles, how do I get her to open up more?"_. Or is it "_how should I have told her I'd overspent?" _Two very different things!! 



ManOfManyWords said:


> Do you have a set aside time for it every week? Do you get a sitter and go to dinner? Pillow talk before bed?


I'd second the things that hairyhead said. 

Yes, set a time aside, and a time limit, maybe an hour. No, don't go out to dinner, it's harder in a public place where you might be overheard. No, not bedtime. For one thing, people often forget what they heard before they went to sleep.


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## CookieRookie (Aug 29, 2021)

Have you apologized for the sneaky spending yet? That would be a good start.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think it's best to just touch base with each other every evening maybe over dinner about what is going on that day and not let things fester.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Best is to write it out, hand it to her and get out of view for at least a few hours. A day is better. You will say what you what to say and not having to put up with her filibuster while you're trying to make a point. Get out of the people pleasing mode. Its detrimental to you, your family and makes you look like a real puzzy. Your old lady alreay has one. She doesn't need another.


This is extremely unhelpful. Please do not reply to my posts.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> So I'm a little bit confused here. Is the question "_how do I deal with the difference in our emotional styles, how do I get her to open up more?"_. Or is it "_how should I have told her I'd overspent?" _Two very different things!!
> 
> The opening up is a separate, much bigger, much more complicated problem that I'm quite certain requires therapy at this point. Thanks for asking though.
> 
> ...


TY


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

CookieRookie said:


> Have you apologized for the sneaky spending yet? That would be a good start.


I apologized for putting her in an uncomfortable position, and the issue, while still relevant, is mostly behind us. It wasn't "sneaky", though. We maintain separate finances and make our own spending decisions and share a budget for the things that make sense to share. I make the bulk of the money and pay for two cars and two mortgages myself, and I've never missed a payment on anything. What she didn't like was that I had gotten myself backed into a corner with debt and while it wasn't unmanageable (I've cut it in half in 3 months, and should be back to 0 balances within 6), I wasn't really acting like somebody who was tightening the belt. She was right, and I knew it, I just hadn't figured out how to say "hey, I'm not going to have any spare cash for about 9 months, sorry".


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's best to just touch base with each other every evening maybe over dinner about what is going on that day and not let things fester.


We do a ton of that, for the usual stuff. This was quite unusual.

But if I'm being honest with myself, I didn't bring it up in that forum because I was ashamed of how deep the hole I dug was. Pandemic lockdowns were hard on this extrovert.. as was getting laid off in April 2020. I really didn't get back to feeling "right" until I was fully vaccinated and able to socialize again. That's about the time where I faced up _to myself_ at how much money I'd wasted on stupid stuff as self-care. Knew I needed to face her about it too, but just blurting it out at the dinner table never seemed right.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

ManOfManyWords said:


> We do a ton of that, for the usual stuff. This was quite unusual.
> 
> But if I'm being honest with myself, I didn't bring it up in that forum because I was ashamed of how deep the hole I dug was. Pandemic lockdowns were hard on this extrovert.. as was getting laid off in April 2020. I really didn't get back to feeling "right" until I was fully vaccinated and able to socialize again. That's about the time where I faced up _to myself_ at how much money I'd wasted on stupid stuff as self-care. Knew I needed to face her about it too, but just blurting it out at the dinner table never seemed right.


If you earn it, you can spend it on anything you like, no need to explain to anyone.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ManOfManyWords said:


> We do a ton of that, for the usual stuff. This was quite unusual.
> 
> But if I'm being honest with myself, I didn't bring it up in that forum because I was ashamed of how deep the hole I dug was. Pandemic lockdowns were hard on this extrovert.. as was getting laid off in April 2020. I really didn't get back to feeling "right" until* I was fully vaccinated and able to socialize again.* That's about the time where I faced up _to myself_ at how much money I'd wasted on stupid stuff as self-care. Knew I needed to face her about it too, but just blurting it out at the dinner table never seemed right.


Apologies for t/j, but fully vaccinated unfortunately doesn't prevent getting the variants. Know this personally. Socialize cautiously.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

ManOfManyWords said:


> This is extremely unhelpful. Please do not reply to my posts.


Whoops there was a typo in that reply. What I meant to say was "This is extremely helpful. Thanks!"

After replying that original way, I gave it some thought and I realized I had been falling deeper and deeper down the people pleasing well for years. Through that lens, it's clear that I need to cut that out. I have recently reframed my behavior around being a protector of my family, and have taken charge of the situation. I'm happier for it, be and my wife has taken notice. There's much work to do, but, thanks @VladDracul , these words had a positive impact on my life.


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