# I want out ... advice? (long)



## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

Husband and I have been married for about 7 1/2 months. We met about 2 years before we got married. Initially he wasn't very truthful and had presented himself as never married ... we'd been dating a month and he revealed he'd been divorced. His ex had left him only 5 months before he started talking to me (their divorce was finalized about 2 months *after* we started dating). I know, I shouldn't have overlooked it but at the time he seemed like such a sweet guy and I felt bad for him. I later asked him about it and he said his ex went on a trip with her girlfriends, when she came back she was different - told him she met someone else and was no longer in love. She served him with papers.

Anyway... He was incredible. He was so fun-loving, generous ... he wined and dined me, was generous with my family... The only odd thing was that he didn't talk much about his childhood or family. But again I overlooked it. We had a great relationship and seemed to have so many things in common.

We got engaged in early Dec. 2010, a year and 3 months after we started dating. In the months following we had a few arguments that were chalked up to stress from wedding plans and etc.

He totally changed after we got married. There was animosity towards my parents, especially my mom, who is a sweet, generous person. We moved about 90 miles away from them and at the time part of me wondered if he was trying to isolate me, although I'd fallen in love with the area to which we moved. He grew very controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. He'd talk down to me like I was a child, even when I was sick (I caught a bug on our honeymoon). He was a workaholic and for a couple of months he wouldn't come home sometimes until after 9 or 10pm (he's in the accounting field and I know things would get busy at certain times ... but still...). He was also very sarcastic and whenever I'd calmly confront him about his behavior he'd get very defensive or twist things around to make it sound like I was the one with the problem. He also likes to drink quite a bit. He wouldn't usually drink during the week, but on the weekends (Fri, Sat and Sun) he'd have at least 5 drinks a night. Sometimes he seemed uptight and like he needed the alcohol to relax.

He actually picked a fight with my mom on Thanksgiving. She was helping us out by giving us a few things for the house (which we hadn't been in long). He has problems accepting not only gifts, but offers of help from anyone in general. He's apparently been on his own for a while and seems to see getting help as a sign of weakness. I think it comes down to his controlling personality. He's also extremely stubborn and won't compromise.

I should mention that I accidentally stumbled across his ex's public Facebook page (I did a search for one of my interests and she ended up sharing it with me). She had a blog linked on it. Out of curiosity (over the interests thing) I clicked on it. She'd posted about him and said they were only married for a year because he was verbally abusive. I never told him that I found her blog and I never sought contact with her in any way. I know you sometimes have to take what people say with a grain of salt, but what she said gave me pause over how he was treating me...

I've been seeing a counselor since at least late Sept-early Oct and he suspects my hubby has some OCD (he is a neat freak who will as an example reorganize our pantry to obsessive levels) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I've brought this up to hubby as delicately as possible and he denies he has a problem. He wouldn't go with me to counseling. He'd just say "No. Because I don't want to go. I don't think there's a problem." Finally after I told him I love him so much I want to make this work he begrudgingly agreed to go. He went with me twice, was on his best behavior both times. He wouldn't go anymore after that. When I brought that up to him, he lied and said I never mentioned it anymore, which is BS - every time we've fought I've told him we need to go and he'd either change the subject or ignore me.

I can also tell when he doesn't like something I bring up because he withdraws and gets very cold. He will just give me short, abrupt answers or get very sarcastic. Then he denies there is a problem. He plays mind games. He tells me I'm "too sensitive." Yes I am quite sensitive, but he is insensitive. I don't think he pays attention to what I say sometimes. I'll say something, he'll jump down my throat and take it the wrong way or claim I said something else. I think he just hears what he wants to hear.

It's gotten so bad from late Nov-onwards. For a few months we've been fighting at least once a week. End of March it was more than that. We adopted a puppy (or rather I did as he didn't really want her and I paid for everything/signed the papers) and things got worse. His OCD was really on display then. He treated the dog like a prisoner and I could tell he let me get her just to appease me, even though he talked up getting a dog before we were even married. I finally told him I was going down to my parents' the week before Easter for a couple of weeks, that I needed time and space to think. His answer? "Why wait until then, why don't you just go now." We had planned to go to his dad's (his mom died over 10 years ago) house for Easter. He claimed his dad wouldn't mind. 

On March 31 I packed as many things as I could in my car along with the dog and drove down to my parents'. Since I've been here, I've felt so much better. I was dealing with so much stress and tension with him. I was hardly sleeping, I was having stomach problems. We'd have a huge fight, then there'd be the "honeymoon period" where he'd make nice to me, but then the tension would build and he'd go back to his old self. It was a never-ending cycle.

I talked to him on the phone yesterday and told him this wasn't working and I think it's best if we part ways. He said "Don't say that, honey." He said he didn't know I was this upset, that he "didn't understand the depth of it." Every time we had a fight I would get really upset, tell him he was going to drive me out of the house and how I'm finding it really hard to live with him. I can't believe he didn't see how upset I was. He's very unemotional, so when he started to sniffle on the phone it was hard for me to even think it was sincere. I told him I was done. He sent me an email this morning that he knows I said we're done but he wanted me to think about taking a vacation together for a week and remembering why we fell in love.

The bottom line is, he is not the man I fell in love with. I fell in love with an imposter. I think he spoiled me and told me all I wanted to hear just to hook me. I felt I had to leave him just to preserve my sanity and my health. I can't live with this guy. He says he'll change and go for counseling, but he's said this before and he just doesn't change. I don't know if he wants to change or if he's capable of it. I want to look into getting a mediator because I want this to be as amicable as possible.

He also asked if we could do a separation for maybe 3 months. I think he really needs help and it's not something that can be fixed in only 3 months. I really want to divorce. Am I being fair? I know we've been married less than 8 months but he really fooled me ... not just me, but my family and friends as well. I've tried to see things from his POV, I've been patient, I've tried to understand where he's coming from. But he is just impossible to live with. I've tried to talk to him but he insists he's doing nothing wrong and it's all my fault or my perception of his behavior. It recently got to the point where I was crying nearly every day and on the phone I'd tell my mom that I'm in Hell. I used to dream of having a nice family life with him, having kids and everything but I can't even do that. If his OCD/controlling nature is out of whack with a dog, I can't see how it would be any better with kids.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

My gut reaction is to tell you to end it now. He will try to convince you that things will improve, and he may even try really hard to believe it himself, but he will backslide. Go now, before kids.


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## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks, solitudeseeker. He's done this time and again, telling me that things will get better but they never do. I've had enough. There was actually a time where it seemed possible that I could be pregnant... I was so relieved when I found out that was not the case. As much as I'd like to have kids, he is not the one to have them with.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Wontbefoold:

RUN! RUN LIKE HELL! RUN, AND NEVER LOOK BACK! You are hearing this from a woman who (I swear to God) could have written your story; even down to the lying about being divorced when I met him.

Life has been hell for the last couple of decades. Lying about finances, buying whatever he wants, ignoring my wants/needs because he's totally SELFISH and always RIGHT. (My husband does not have OCD, but I do believe he has NPD. Ugh!) Dont even get me started about children, but, yeah, the dog is a good indication of what life will be like for your children.

Are you being fair? YES, FAIR to YOU. Fair to your family. Fair to any future children you have. Never mind fair, you're being SANE, rational, reasonable. Do NOT believe he will change. He won't. He is manipulating you (just like the fake sniffle.) If you don't stay away NOW, it will be harder later on. He will beat you down emotionally, he may become more controlling about finances so it's harder to leave. It will be sheer hell.

Let your family help you while you start over and try to heal from this situation. I feel for you in ways that maybe other people cannot. I will be SO happy for you when you get out of this mess! Wish I'd left a helluva long time ago, wish I'd done something when I started seeing red flags, but I didn't. At least maybe someone can learn the lessons it took me TOO LONG to learn.


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## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

OMG, SlowlyGettingWiser, your hubby sounds like a carbon copy of mine. He would just buy whatever he wanted "because I want it." After we bought our house, he insisted on getting central A/C. The house has a huge attic fan and the previous owner told us it does a great job of cooling off the entire house. I told him we should see how the summer is and how the fan works before deciding on central air (the house is in a mountainous area near a lake so heat might not be as stifling as one would think). He refused and said he's always had central air so he's getting it. He didn't involve me in any of this. He is so self-centered and thinks he's always right.

For a while, we were planning on having some of his friends over for dinner. Both of them had to back out and it makes me wonder if there are many people who can stand him. He seems to thrive in a professional environment, but on a personal level? Not a chance.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, especially for so long. One of my oldest friends was married to her hubby for 9 years when he started causing problems. He even cheated on her. She's in the middle of a complicated divorce. She has two kids (one with him) and he actually sold the two dogs they had (which is one reason I'm SO glad I alone paid for everything associated with my dog and signed the papers).

I'm not falling for any of his BS. I spoke to my counselor today to get info about mediators. He told me to check back with him because we can only do this if both of us agree to a divorce. I have a feeling hubby will try to wear me down and make me reconsider, but I'm totally done. I'm going back to the house later this week to get more of my personal belongings. Not going alone though - bringing a few friends with me not just to help with everything, but as buffers should he be there. Just hope he hasn't destroyed/given away any of my things. I know that's the least of my worries... once I'm free of him I will feel so much better.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Yep, the STUFF is so unimportant in the big scheme of things. If he HAS destroyed your stuff (or given it away), just resign yourself to it...iin your mind, act like you had a giant house-fire where the stuff you loved was destroyed and irreplaceable (like photos)...you'll move on from it.


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## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

Yeah, the main thing is that I'll be away from him. I want that more than anything right now. 

Another thought I had was if he were to change the locks on the house to prevent me from getting in. The house is in both our names...can he legally do this without getting in trouble?


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Nope, legally he cannot lock you out. But legally, you could break a window and climb in. It's your house! 

Stay strong, and get rid of this clown. Don't listen to a word he says. He'll throw everything at you to try to reel you in again, but it will all be BS. He sounds like a master manipulator, and totally self absorbed, like my husband was. Run and don't look back. You don't owe him a thing.


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## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

Good point! 

Thanks for the support, hon. Helps to know that I'm not alone. He's such a jerk. It puzzles me because his dad and brother have always been such nice guys. Makes me wonder what happened. Who knows... as long as I'm rid of him that's all I care about.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Looks like the ex-W blog was pretty spot on about him then.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

"...as long as I'm rid of him that's all I care about..."

That's funny because that's how I feel; I don't know WHOSE life he's going to be making a living hell now...as long as it isn't mine!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm planning to leave in about 6 weeks (when 14yo is finished with the school year.) Just received a check today from my family to enable me to get out! Will be putting it in MY account tomorrow. God, I am counting the weeks until I can leave!


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## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Looks like the ex-W blog was pretty spot on about him then.


Yep. I only wish I'd discovered it before we got married (or even before I accepted his proposal).


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## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm planning to leave in about 6 weeks (when 14yo is finished with the school year.) Just received a check today from my family to enable me to get out! Will be putting it in MY account tomorrow. God, I am counting the weeks until I can leave!


Oh God, that's exactly what I was doing! When I'd told him I was leaving to go down to my parents' I was literally counting down the days till that Saturday. I felt such relief the moment I got on the road, more when I arrived at their house and that night I slept like a baby. Like night and day. I do not miss his BS one bit. He even asked me on the phone "Are you saying you don't love me?" Heck yeah. The love I had for him he chipped away until there was nothing left.

You have my support!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Thanks, Wontbefoold!

Am SO GLAD you are feeling better! Also really glad you have family support; I feel so badly for people on here whose family's are un-supportive of them leaving an abusive spouse. The old "you made your bed, now lie in it" cr*p. Grrr, I HATE that!


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## wontbefoold78 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks, SlowlyGettingWiser!

Sorry it's been a while, but I wanted to update. Of course after I took back the rest of my personal belongings, hubby sends me an email telling me he was preparing to write a long email to send me about how we can move forward (wonder what that means to him), but after yesterday he assumes I'm not interested. He kept begging me to let him know if I change my mind because he's 100% willing and he loves me with all his heart and soul, etc. 

I sent him a short reply saying that I just left the wedding gifts and we can talk another time about how to divide those up. He seemed to accept that, but I knew he wasn't done. Yesterday he emailed again asking if there's a glimmer of a chance that I'd like to at least talk about giving us another chance. He reiterated that he's 100% willing and will do whatever it takes, tells me I don't have to commit to anything. He says he truly loves me and wants to build a life with me, and hopes deep down I feel the same about him. Of course if I don't he'll respect my wishes. This is the same garbage he did as we were dating - he was so accommodating so he'd give me this false sense of security. I'm not falling for it.

I told him point blank that my mind is made up. We're too different, I don't believe he can change and I'm not going to change to suit his needs. It would just get worse over time and harder the longer we wait. I said it's best that we move on.

He replies to me like he's doing one of his stupid PowerPoint presentations for work. First telling me he doesn't agree we're too different and to consider that A) we were just getting used to being married [Um.... he was married once before...] B) Getting used to living together and C) I was getting used to being far away from home and getting a new job [which I didn't get until 4 months after we'd been married....], that it's no surprise there's been a strain. He obviously won't own up to his behavior and he tries to guilt trip me by whining that he can't believe I want to throw it all away so soon, after all we've done to get up to this point, whine whine whine.....

I get so angry when I read his emails now.. I keep thinking I wasted 7 months of my life with this idiot. How he played me and my family and friends for fools. That keeps me on track to end this whole mess and keep from ever weakening. 

I really want to go the mediator route as I'm involved in another court case (an accident case that's been going on about 5 years now) and doubt I'll be able to afford a lawyer. We really don't have many things to fight over, only thing is the house is in both our names. A friend told me that for that reason alone we'd have to get a lawyer? As far as I'm concerned he can take the house and shove it... I really don't care as long as he's out of my life. Any advice on that?


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