# I feel trapped.



## Gracie0212 (18 d ago)

Hi everyone, 

I just joined and actively came looking for something like this forum, because as my thread title says I feel trapped.

I have been with my husband now for 11 years & married for 6. We have two children & I have one from a previous relationship.

I have a number of concerns, so I will try and keep it as brief as I can. I have been asking now for about 6 months for him to leave our home. Just for a week or so, in order for me to get some clarity on the whole situation. He will NOT do this & it really isn’t helping us at all. If I still had family in the area I would go myself but I can’t leave my children.

He is incredibly negative, patronising & constantly complaining about my 13 year old to the point where when she returns from her fathers, he says I’m only happy when she isn’t here. She’s a good kid just a little messy which triggers him. I have spoken to her about it but she can’t even put a plate in the sink without there being a criticism about it not being in the dishwasher. Over time she has just become like a recluse because he’s so nasty to us and we bicker. This has started to escalate now though and I’m not sure if it would be classed as emotional abuse. Whatever I do never seems to be the right thing to do even though I know I’ve done a good job of something. I am expected to keep an immaculate home with a1,3 and teen and I am also pregnant.

Isolated incidents I can go into further if I need. The birth of my son was a turning point when he shouted at me for falling asleep on the sofa. The baby was not on me and I had been awake for 5 days. I was alone basically all labour & before discharge too.

I won’t carry on but get to the point he will not let me go. It’s almost like I’m being love bombed every time & then it’s straight back to being rubbish again. I’m almost certain at this point that this is what I want a divorce.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

You don't need him to leave the home to divorce. Do you both own the property, I assume so since you're married. Many attorneys will tell either spouse NOT to leave the house because then it shows abandonment and gives the other spouse a leg up on divorce. Is there another room in the house you can start sleeping in?
Look up the 180, grey rock him. 
If he ever physically harms you or one of the kids, call 911 and report it immediately. 

You don't really talk enough about the relationship for me to feel comfortable giving you more advice.


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## Gracie0212 (18 d ago)

Thank you for your response, The marriage itself is strained. We don’t do anything together & I just feel like he is constantly shouting at me. At the moment I don’t feel like there is enough good parts to outweigh the bad.

House situation is a private mortgage one of my family members had a legal contract drawn up for us in order to buy. We are both on the deeds. I have been sleeping on the sofa for 13 months with the occasional time we will have sex. That kind of makes things better for a day or so. It’s difficult to want someone when they treat you in. Way you feel is bad though.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

What a terrible way to live. I’m sorry he’s such an ass. Do you work? Are you able to support yourself and the kids? Were all of these pregnancies planned? If so, why? It sounds like he’s been an ass for quite some time. Are you able to return to your family? It sounds like probably not since your daughter’s dad is nearby. Do you have anyone there? Close friends? You know that you all deserve to be treated better than this. Unfortunately, with so many children, your options will be more difficult. Hopefully others that have been through this can give you some concrete paths out of this mess. I especially feel for your daughter because she is a complete innocent in all of this. It’s hard enough being 13, let alone living in a home where you feel unwanted (not by you, but it doesn’t really matter, the damage is being done). I know you’d hate this, but is her dad a good guy? Is there any way she could go stay with her dad until you get rid of this man? What does he think about how her step dad treats her? He should be all up in your faces about this. (I’m not trying to be a jerk). Hoping you get some help here.


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## Gracie0212 (18 d ago)

Thanks teacherwife, I think I have known deep down for about a year now that I need to go. It’s apparent to me that he will not leave, in the UK it’s quite common for the wife to remain in the family home until the children turn 18 so I am led to believe.

I have considered her moving in with her dad but this will not solve the problem for me and I don’t want to isolate her anymore. She would have to move schools as they live about 50 miles away.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

Gracie0212 said:


> Thank you for your response, The marriage itself is strained. We don’t do anything together & I just feel like he is constantly shouting at me. At the moment I don’t feel like there is enough good parts to outweigh the bad.
> 
> House situation is a private mortgage one of my family members had a legal contract drawn up for us in order to buy. We are both on the deeds. I have been sleeping on the sofa for 13 months with the occasional time we will have sex. That kind of makes things better for a day or so. It’s difficult to want someone when they treat you in. Way you feel is bad though.


Do you want to have sex with him? I'm assuming you don't, so why do it? To keep the peace? What peace?
Again, I would do a 180, grey rock him, and file for divorce. This is no way to live. Stop being his wife and just be his roommate until you can leave or have the courts tell him he has to leave.

Do you work or are you dependent on him for finances?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Do both of you work outside the home?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Contact a divorce attorney ASAP


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## Gracie0212 (18 d ago)

We both work outside of the home, Our finances are and have always been separate, despite my insistence that married couples should share. He had no issues sharing my inheritance.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

This is not aimed at you @Gracie0212 since you are where you are. but to anyone else considering marrying someone with kids. Approximately 70% of relationships involving children from a prior relationship, fail. You can date when the kids are not around, but do not marry and for the love of God, do not shack up.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Gracie0212 said:


> She would have to move schools as they live about 50 miles away.


No. He needs to move to your town to take care of her without regard for what he wants and whatever disruption it causes to his life or yours. It’s not her fault that you and he could not make your relationship work. It’s not her fault that you married a loser. I would do anything humanly possible to protect one of my kids. I feel so sorry for your daughter.


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## Gracie0212 (18 d ago)

Sfort said:


> No. He needs to move to your town to take care of her without regard for what he wants and whatever disruption it causes to his life or yours. It’s not her fault that you and he could not make your relationship work. It’s not her fault that you married a loser. I would do anything humanly possible to protect one of my kids. I feel so sorry for your daughter.


Her father lives 50 miles away I think you have misread


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Gracie0212 said:


> Thank you for your response, The marriage itself is strained. We don’t do anything together & I just feel like he is constantly shouting at me. At the moment I don’t feel like there is enough good parts to outweigh the bad.
> 
> House situation is a private mortgage one of my family members had a legal contract drawn up for us in order to buy. We are both on the deeds. I have been sleeping on the sofa for 13 months with the occasional time we will have sex. That kind of makes things better for a day or so. It’s difficult to want someone when they treat you in. Way you feel is bad though.





Sfort said:


> No. He needs to move to your town to take care of her without regard for what he wants and whatever disruption it causes to his life or yours. It’s not her fault that you and he could not make your relationship work. It’s not her fault that you married a loser. I would do anything humanly possible to protect one of my kids. I feel so sorry for your daughter.


I agree the daughter should be with the dad but just throwing things out there like “he should move” is ridiculous. People can’t just walk away from their jobs. If I quit my job to move 50 miles away there would not be another job waiting for me. He may also have a wife and other children. Adults can’t just walk away from their life like that. That being said, she should absolutely be sent to go live with him if he’s stable. Unfair to her? Absolutely, but no one has seemed to care about that all along. Poor kid. I’m heartbroken for her and the more I think about this the more angry I become for her. I do wonder how much dad knows because if he knows and is doing nothing than he’s no better than the mother. Every child should be cherished and feel safe and loved and wanted.


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## Gracie0212 (18 d ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I agree the daughter should be with the dad but just throwing things out there like “he should move” is ridiculous. People can’t just walk away from their jobs. If I quit my job to move 50 miles away there would not be another job waiting for me. He may also have a wife and other children. Adults can’t just walk away from their life like that. That being said, she should absolutely be sent to go live with him if he’s stable. Unfair to her? Absolutely, but no one has seemed to care about that all along. Poor kid. I’m heartbroken for her and the more I think about this the more angry I become for her. I do wonder how much dad knows because if he knows and is doing nothing than he’s no better than the mother. Every child should be cherished and feel safe and loved and wanted.


Christ that’s a bit out there, I love and care about my daughter and I regularly clean up before he sees and we spend lots of time together alone, I take her out for day trips and girlie days. To insinuate I don’t care about my daughter is an awful thing to say


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Gracie0212 said:


> Christ that’s a bit out there, I love and care about my daughter and I regularly clean up before he sees and we spend lots of time together alone, I take her out for day trips and girlie days. To insinuate I don’t care about my daughter is an awful thing to say


My apologies. I didn’t mean to insinuate that you don’t care about her. But you do have her living in a home with a man who can’t stand her. She clearly knows this as you said yourself she just hides in her room. A 13 year old should feel loved and wanted and cherished by any and every adult in her home. It falls to both of her parents to make sure her emotional health is taken care of. That you have to clean up after her before your husband gets home summarizes how serious your situation is. I’m just deeply sad for her. Childhood should be carefree. Not feeling like you have to walk on eggshells in your own home.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> No. I read it perfectly. Parents should do everything within their power to protect their children. If she were my daughter and moving her would continue to disrupt her life, I would grab a pair of underwear and crawl all 50 miles on my hands and knees to take care of her, if necessary. Either she moves or he moves. Contrary to @Teacherwifemom's ridiculous reply, it's time to put the daughter's needs first.


It’s hardly ridiculous. I believe he should go get her. 100%. I’m 100% advocating for the girl. I would never have allowed this to happen, nor would my husband. I’m just saying what good is he there if he’s homeless and penniless? I personally don’t think anyone should live 50 miles from their child. We don’t even know which one of them moved away from the other. I would do the same as you said, but not everyone is in a financial position to do that and it doesn’t happen overnight. You can’t go rent an apartment or buy a house and be in it tomorrow. The quickest way to get her away is to pick her up and take her home.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s obviously not your daughter’s fault she’s living with someone who dislikes her. That needs to be corrected as soon as possible. If that means she leaves her school and moves 50 miles away (assuming her father agrees) then that’s what needs to happen. That will probably be very hard for her and she may blame you but she can’t stay in the situation she’s in.


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