# Defining an emotional affair



## Evo (Dec 8, 2014)

I've been living with my GF for 2 years. We met online as she was coming out of a divorce. She said she knew that they weren't right for each other but she would sometimes express guilt for having jumped ship so abruptly with him. We both express the importance of communication and have had wonderful chats about who we are and what we want. We've also had some arguments that would leave us with concerns about us working out long term. At the beginning of our relationship she was in contact with her ex to finalize the divorce. Recently she broke down crying and said that she needed to see him face to face to give him a chance to get anything off of his chest and to get closer. This didn't sit well with me. I asked if they had been communicating and she confessed yes but it was only to remain friends. I asked if I could read the correspondence and she flinched and said no. Well, I've since then seen their emails and they express her worried that she'd made a horrible mistake and how he set the bar really high and that if we didn't work out she would look him up. I confronted her and she agreed to stop communicating with him if we are going to have a chance but I still have dreams that wake me up feeling quite bitter.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Evo said:


> Well, I've since then seen their emails and they express her *worried that she'd made a horrible mistake and how he set the bar really high and that if we didn't work out she would look him up.*


That should be enough for you to put the brakes on this real fast. Sounds like she's a vine swinger; having to have her hand on another relationship before she let's go of her current one. 

I would suggest you end it and tell her that when her D is final, the two of you can re-evaluate.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your first sign was when she wouldn't let you see their communications. Secret communications are a HUGE boundary violation that she must either respect or end your relationship.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Sorry, brother. She's still hung up on her ex and that's not going to change. She'll just communicate in secret, now. You might as well bow out as gracefully as you can and leave her to try and re-establish a relationship with him. Sorry, again.  She's only a gf, so you can easily walk away.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Evo said:


> I've been living with my GF for 2 years. We met online as she was coming out of a divorce. She said she knew that they weren't right for each other but she would sometimes express guilt for having jumped ship so abruptly with him. We both express the importance of communication and have had wonderful chats about who we are and what we want. We've also had some arguments that would leave us with concerns about us working out long term. At the beginning of our relationship she was in contact with her ex to finalize the divorce. Recently she broke down crying and said that she needed to see him face to face to give him a chance to get anything off of his chest and to get closer. This didn't sit well with me. I asked if they had been communicating and she confessed yes but it was only to remain friends. I asked if I could read the correspondence and she flinched and said no. Well, I've since then seen their emails and they express her worried that she'd made a horrible mistake and how he set the bar really high and that if we didn't work out she would look him up. I confronted her and she agreed to stop communicating with him if we are going to have a chance but I still have dreams that wake me up feeling quite bitter.


 You have more red flags of merit here than a IRS Audit of Wall Streets bank accounts. So incase you just need a little reflective perception to convince you on what you need to do, let's do it;

She has already proven her ability to lie to you.
She expressed her mild regret for jumping ship from him to you.
She want to remain friends with him In time the "Just" will arrive.
She has already seeded the idea of failure with returning to him as a goal IF you both don't work out.
She wants him to have closure and get whatever off of his chest. This is a strong indication that for whatever reason or whoever initiated this Divorce seems to be by her doing. Do you know why and do you have her Ex's opinion. 
She hesitated to tell you when you first asked, had this been deeper the answer would've been a definitive no!!!
She did not wait to jump into a new relationship.

Although it is seemingly becoming the flavor of the year, your wife seems to have companionship issues and your detailing of her being a great communicator and partner then fighting and wondering about the future would also indicate Bipolar and BPD traits. You have seen her audition for the title of exclusivity for being your significant other. No more evaluation is needed. Time to move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's someone who always has to have a option. You were the option as she was getting out of her marriage (maybe she was searching for someone to "motivate" her to end it and decided you were it). Now she's second-guessing her choice (you) and so she's lining up her ex as an option. 

You know you can't trust her so why be with her?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Evo,
I believe that she is too emotionally immature to know what she really wants. I fear that a relationship with this person will yield little more than heartache and frustration. If that appeals to you then by all means continue. If not, you should consider moving on while it is this easy. Be prepared however because when you move on from her she will suddenly no doubt find that she has made a terrible mistake and needs you now more than anything. Good luck with this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Evo end it now she is not relationship material be thankful you found out now.
Ask some guys here after 10 years and 3 kids.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

It's called keeping her ex in the closet for a rainy day!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ricky15100 said:


> It's called keeping her ex in the closet for a rainy day!


I never heard it called that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A rebound relationship is never easy.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Defining an emotional affair. Let see. As best as I can describe its a situation where two people, given the right opportunity, logistics, and environment, would bang each others brains out but ,due to circumstances preventing it, talk about in a direct or indirect manner.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

OP, your gut is telling you everything you need to know. Walk away with your dignity intact. 

She's told you (by her actions) her exact plans. 

HL


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Don't wait. Bail now!!!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You live my nightmare. Wake up!


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## Evo (Dec 8, 2014)

Much appreciation for everyone's input.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Rebound relationships never work. Cut your losses and move on. You were just a distraction from the marital problems she refused to maturely face and now there is super fallout with you being the fall guy for her reconciling with him at this point. Better believe she will be ping-ponging back and forth between you and him. Derail her train before she derails yours further. Some people see others as objects, you are one of hers (mainly becasue they see themselves as objects). Please don't try to rescue her anymore...You will be the marathon swimmer trying to save a drowning person, she will inevitably pull you under. You have a choice right now and are in the best position possible in "the" triangle, to walk away unscathed. Do yourself that favor. Let him keep her, she is confused and you are not.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Cut your losses before she hurts and betrays you more than she has, the gut churning worry and emotional pain and sleepless nights aren't worth it


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