# Bitterness



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Let me start this by saying I completely believe in stay at home parents women or men if you can do it is the greatest for the kids.
However being the guy who worked 60=80 hours a week sometimes to give her the life she wanted and that WE thought was best I am somewhat bitter by her cheating.
While I was working to pay for the house she wanted us to live in she was talking to another man. She showered and got ready to see him with the heat, power and water I paid for, drove the car that I insure, put gas in and make the payments on to go to his house, called him and sent dirty pics to him on the cell phone I provide, took off the clothes that I bought her and had sex with him.
So while she says it was all her, she doesn't really know why she did it, I can say no it was all me I was involved in every aspect of her actions or at least the sucker that paid the tab and some days *I don't know why I did it*.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Let me start this by saying I completely believe in stay at home parents women or men if you can do it is the greatest for the kids.
> However being the guy who worked 60=80 hours a week sometimes to give her the life she wanted and that WE thought was best I am somewhat bitter by her cheating.
> While I was working to pay for the house she wanted us to live in she was talking to another man. She showered and got ready to see him with the heat, power and water I paid for, drove the car that I insure, put gas in and make the payments on to go to his house, called him and sent dirty pics to him on the cell phone I provide, took off the clothes that I bought her and had sex with him.
> So while she says it was all her, she doesn't really know why she did it, I can say no it was all me I was involved in every aspect of her actions or at least the sucker that paid the tab and some days *I don't know why I did it*.


I really, really feel for you and so sorry you were treated this way. My husband has done for me everything you have done for your wife. In addition, he has also done exactly what your wife did in cheating.

Why does it seem like good husbands get cheating wives and good wives get cheating husbands. I know I love my husband so much and would do anything from him -- before he cheated.

I hope if you are willing your wife will wake and smell the coffee and you all can get past this.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Been there too. When I exposed the OW, I sent her a bill for the 8 year LTA that cost me and my children, telling her to calculate the risk she took with our lives for the sake of her libido.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Things are going well in our R just have things pop in the head sometimes and I tend to obsess for awhile on them, needed to say it here instead of to her not in the mood for an argument or serious discussion right now.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Let me start this by saying I completely believe in stay at home parents women or men if you can do it is the greatest for the kids.
> However being the guy who worked 60=80 hours a week sometimes to give her the life she wanted and that WE thought was best I am somewhat bitter by her cheating.
> While I was working to pay for the house she wanted us to live in she was talking to another man. She showered and got ready to see him with the heat, power and water I paid for, drove the car that I insure, put gas in and make the payments on to go to his house, called him and sent dirty pics to him on the cell phone I provide, took off the clothes that I bought her and had sex with him.
> So while she says it was all her, she doesn't really know why she did it, I can say no it was all me I was involved in every aspect of her actions or at least the sucker that paid the tab and some days *I don't know why I did it*.


I totally understand your bitterness about the expenditures. 

My wife is most bitter about the money I spent on the OW, too. The time it took away from her also upsets her, and I totally understand. 

What the Eff was I doing. I truly loved my wife. 

I also understand her feelings and the fact that she will never be able to trust me again. 

I can't believe I threw away a good marriage for sex on the side.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> I totally understand your bitterness about the expenditures.
> 
> My wife is most bitter about the money I spent on the OW, too. The time it took away from her also upsets her, and I totally understand.
> 
> ...


At least you acknowledge it and admit it. At least you got your senses back. Despite your error in judgment, you ended up being the good man you always were. :smthumbup:


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> I totally understand your bitterness about the expenditures.
> 
> My wife is most bitter about the money I spent on the OW, too. The time it took away from her also upsets her, and I totally understand.
> 
> ...


Did you not think about that while you were cheating? This is not an accusing question, I really would like to know. I think it would have come into my mind how hurt my husband would be if I cheated on him. Or did you just block it out?

One of the hardest things for me right now is I believed the passion, the love, the affection, the providing for me and our kids, and yes, the great sex that I was getting from my husband before he started cheating. I thought we were a warm, loving family. 

I appreciate you posting on this forum from the side of the fence that you are on, since so many of us are the betrayed. It's like I want to drill you for answers to help me understand. Don't worry, I won't do that though. LOL


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

cherish said:


> Did you not think about that while you were cheating? This is not an accusing question, I really would like to know. I think it would have come into my mind how hurt my husband would be if I cheated on him. Or did you just block it out?
> 
> One of the hardest things for me right now is I believed the passion, the love, the affection, the providing for me and our kids, and yes, the great sex that I was getting from my husband before he started cheating. I thought we were a warm, loving family.
> 
> I appreciate you posting on this forum from the side of the fence that you are on, since so many of us are the betrayed. It's like I want to drill you for answers to help me understand. Don't worry, I won't do that though. LOL


Oh never mind, remorseful, I see you, as well as others, have answered these questions on another thread.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> At least you acknowledge it and admit it. At least you got your senses back. Despite your error in judgment, you ended up being the good man you always were. :smthumbup:


Thank you for the vote of confidence.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

cherish said:


> Did you not think about that while you were cheating? This is not an accusing question, I really would like to know. I think it would have come into my mind how hurt my husband would be if I cheated on him. Or did you just block it out?
> 
> One of the hardest things for me right now is I believed the passion, the love, the affection, the providing for me and our kids, and yes, the great sex that I was getting from my husband before he started cheating. I thought we were a warm, loving family.
> 
> I appreciate you posting on this forum from the side of the fence that you are on, since so many of us are the betrayed. It's like I want to drill you for answers to help me understand. Don't worry, I won't do that though. LOL


Most men, and there are always exceptions, who cheat on their wives are not looking to leave the wife and as selfish as it sounds they love the wife. 

Many men I know crave sexual variety. Many men maintain their integrity and stay faithful. I did not. 

In my case, I thought I would never get caught, and I wasn't hurting anyone, because I was very clear to the OW that my wife and marriage came first and she agreed and claimed she too was only in it for the sexual fantasy. That turned out to be untrue, later. 

Still, I knew it was wrong, but still felt the need for variety. 

Also, I am not a great looking guy, and when younger, women did not exactly throw themselves at me. 

Now, I earn excellent income as a partner in a large practice and well.....women, particularly women in their 30s, are attracted to the bulge in my wallet, so they literally throw themselves at me, trying to get my attention. I knew they were interested in my money and not me. But all the better, IMO because I did not want an attachement.

I was weak, thought I could pull it off, without getting caught, and took the bait that was being jiggled in front of me, no strings attached, or at least that was the promise. 

I knew it would hurt my wife, but yes, I blocked it from my mind. 

These are not excuses, they are reasons. There is no excuse for cheating. I deprived my wife of my time, attention, took money from our shared assets to spend on the OW and ruined her trust in me.

I had no chemical fog after being outed. It was gone immediately. For me, there was never a fog. I was not in love, it was just sex. There was absolutely NO residual attraction to the OW. 

If the straying spouse is still attracted to, and expounding on the virtues of the OW, then that is not a good sign. It indicates a strong emotional connection to the OW rather than a just sex type of affair.

Drill me if you like. I won't take offense.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Any cheater will have their way of rationalizing their actions and usually it comes down to it being the BS's fault just one more example of their selfishness except instead of keeping the blame for themselves they want you to carry their burden.
For remorseful I hope you are genuine don't take any of the anger I have today it has just been a bad day and I feel like sh*t well lower than that actually the ground under a pile of sh*t is more like it. Work hard, tell her you are sorry every day if that is what it takes and above all comfort her when her day seems lost, while you are the source of her pain you also can be the biggest comfort she will ever find.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Let me start this by saying I completely believe in stay at home parents women or men if you can do it is the greatest for the kids.
> However being the guy who worked 60=80 hours a week sometimes to give her the life she wanted and that WE thought was best I am somewhat bitter by her cheating.
> While I was working to pay for the house she wanted us to live in she was talking to another man. She showered and got ready to see him with the heat, power and water I paid for, drove the car that I insure, put gas in and make the payments on to go to his house, called him and sent dirty pics to him on the cell phone I provide, took off the clothes that I bought her and had sex with him.
> So while she says it was all her, she doesn't really know why she did it, I can say no it was all me I was involved in every aspect of her actions or at least the sucker that paid the tab and some days *I don't know why I did it*.


This sums up how so many men feel. I don't know why we were made so fallible that one mistake can hurt for a lifetime but it will NEVER go away as long as you are together. The question is whether or not you can choose to bare the burden of what's happened because you are the one it will hurt the most. The cheater may feel quilt but it's a twinge compared to the betrayal.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

A real big hit to the ego on top of emotional kill.

My sister is a stay at home wife and she home schools the children. I sure would not want her to disgrace her husband in that way.

Keep going strong, you will be rewarded for your perseverance.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> A real big hit to the ego on top of emotional kill.
> 
> My sister is a stay at home wife and she home schools the children. I sure would not want her to disgrace her husband in that way.
> 
> Keep going strong, you will be rewarded for your perseverance.


I think that's even an understatement. A woman cheating or more specifically having sex with someone else is the ultimate destruction of a man feeling like he's a man. For this reason it's almost impossible to overcome it but some people do.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I think that's even an understatement. A woman cheating or more specifically having sex with someone else is the ultimate destruction of a man feeling like he's a man. For this reason it's almost impossible to overcome it but some people do.


I am still working to overcome this, at times it feels like nothing but weakness and desperation not very manly qualities at all


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

love=pain said:


> Any cheater will have their way of rationalizing their actions and usually it comes down to it being the BS's fault just one more example of their selfishness except instead of keeping the blame for themselves they want you to carry their burden.
> For remorseful I hope you are genuine don't take any of the anger I have today it has just been a bad day and I feel like sh*t well lower than that actually the ground under a pile of sh*t is more like it. Work hard, tell her you are sorry every day if that is what it takes and above all comfort her when her day seems lost, while you are the source of her pain you also can be the biggest comfort she will ever find.


Bitterness is a healthy reaction in lieu of trying to find a way to blame yourself for your cheater's actions. It's amazing how well versed they can be in spending everything you have provided for them and feel "it's the least" you should do for them since they are so deserving.
Dump her and she will be the very last thing you will miss.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Just read through your original thread. My hats off to you for trying to R with a serial cheater. You're more man than most. I don't know what I could possibly say other than keep that sick sense of humor. It will help you cope. You've earned the right to be bitter. Just don't let it consume you. Be bigger than her. Best of luck.


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Being cheated on sucks no matter how you slice it.

I don't think it sucks more if you were paying bills vs if you were not.

It sucks equally bad in both cases would be my opinion.


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