# Finances - broaching the subject



## jrnyc (Jun 3, 2010)

My wife & I do ok, financially. However, I have noticed a trend since we got together. When we first started dating, she lavished me with things. When we moved in together 2 years ago, she consistently helped with her half of the bills. She was sometimes a few days late, but all I had to do was mention that I was paying the mortgage that week, and she kicked in.

Since early 2010, she has contributed almost nada. I have even picked up some large expenses she promised to cover (without a single complaint, comment, otherwise). The last time I brought up the money thing, she got angry, and I felt like I couldn't talk with her about money. My savings is ~30% of where it was 2 years ago, and without contributions, I can sustain our lifestyle, and slowly rebuild.

Add to this two factors. a) She has expensive taste. We just dropped $800 on "random stuff" this weekend, and I am sure I will be picking up the tab. We spent "significantly more" the weekend before, and she promised to kick in $1k. I haven't seen a penny, and haven't asked for it. With these factors, I CAN'T sustain, and will be out of savings w/in 12 months.

She mentioned a week ago that she knows the July mortgage was due, and would get me some money when she got paid (which was last week). I got nothing

I don't dare ask, though, because she gets mad.

She used to insist on contributing, paying her way, etc. It was one of the things I love(d) about her.

I tried reaching out to her earlier (sent her the monthly budget) and asked when "WE" should pay x, y, z this month. That is a stretch for me, as I don't ever ask for her money/help. I am sure she will either a) ignore it, or b) get mad.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Marriage is a partnership. It sounds to me like you haven't set real, meaningful expectations of what each partner is to contribute to the marriage. It also sounds to me like you are pretty much being a doormat about it, and she has learned that if she displays anger about this (and perhaps other?) sensitive topics, you'll back down.

I would encourage you to "man up" and face her anger for what it is - just a display - and sit down with her to discuss the partnership. Set real expectations, and create structures, like joint accounts, budgets, automatic bill pays/transfers/investments, etc. to manage those expectations easily and without further argument.

If she's not willing to do these things, I would encourage you to reconsider whether or not you're willing to be a part of such a partnership.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So, where does all of her money go? Sounds to me like you may have a shopaholic on your hands. Scary! I've spent much time discussing this topic with my own therapist (& reading about it). My estranged husband could not control his spending one bit. It seems he "learned" it from his mother. It seems this is common among this group of spenders. They will also lie about their spending. There may also be credit cards you know nothing about. They will use their paychecks to pay the credit cards and then not have anything left to pay the real bills. 

You obviously can't go on like this. How about cutting some of the bills and tell her why? Tell her you guys are going to have to down size in order to live within YOUR means.


----------



## mavs20 (Jul 12, 2010)

finances can be really tough on a marrige..if you are struggling to pay bills etc. i have always been a bad payer of debt...so much so it has cost me dear? my wife has decided she has had enough of me...my only advise to anyone on finances, do not over stretch your limits, make sure you are both working...and consult each on a daily basis..coming to financial decisions together,never forget your partner...when things are tough. At this time it is to late for me..as i have lost the one person who meant everything to me....any advise on helping me win her heart again? mavs


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

mavs20 said:


> ....any advise on helping me win her heart again? mavs


Yes, I have advice for you but I doubt you'll like it. Try being responsible.

Go get Dave Ramsey's book, "The Total Money Makeover," and follow his financial advice to the letter. It will be extremely uncomfortable for you at first. Later you will find it thrilling. Enroll in Financial Peace University while you're at it for extra support.

The solution to financial problems is always simple. It is rarely easy, but it is always simple: spend less, save more. That's it.


----------



## IRISH13 (Jul 28, 2010)

You can either wait until you are broke to say "NO" and she'll get angry or you can start saying "NO" now and she'll get angry.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think the money isn't the greatest issue you have. You have one spouse who has trouble with basic fairness and who has taught her husband that he can't bring up important topics without being punished. You have another spouse who accepts unfavorable treatment in order to avoid conflict. I've been there and the hostility and ill treatment got increasingly worse and my ability to suck it up to avoid conflict grew to embarrassing heights. I'd hate to see you end up as a doormat. I should have insisted on clear boundaries of fair play and respect at the onset. Despite it's romantic trappings, a marriage is also a business arrangement. You both earn income. You both have bills. Partners talk, especially about difficult topics. Your topic isn't even difficult. It's just normal household business. If she gets mad, she'll get over it. I've been screamed at and I've heard women cry. Neither are fatal. Using over-the-top emotional outbursts to avoid answering an honest, legitimate question is just another form of control and manipulation. Sit her down and make a reasonable budget. She gets reasonable spending money and so do you. Both of you contribute toward the bills and both contribute to savings and retirement. 
Some couples have joint accounts and sit down and write out bills together each month. In mine, my wife and I have separate accounts. I pay some bills and my wife pays some. We don't argue about money. Rules and boundaries help reduce conflict and that's your goal.


----------



## jackmison987 (Aug 26, 2010)

This is an interesting discussion. thank you for sharing 

debt management firms
debt management foundation


----------

