# New member with issues.



## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Where to begin??? This might be a long one.
Background. Married for a little over 10 yrs. Wife had an affair 4.5 yrs. ago. It was a onetime thing and we have dealt with it. Since then there has been no reason to believe anything has occurred. And believe me, I’ve checked. I don’t consider it part of the issues today but it’s part of our history and I wanted to mention it. I really don’t want to dwell on it. She had post-partum depression after 2nd child. Was on Lexapro for a while. Maybe 2 yrs. I don’t really remember. Has been off of it for over 4 yrs. Might be TMI but intimacy is not very good IMO. I’m not only referring to intercourse so please don’t label me as only wanting sex. I realize this is probably a touchy thing for a man to bring up but it plays a part in this. 
She has had a pain in her head/ear/neck for several months. It has consumed her. She is a worrier. Big time. She always thinks it’s something more than it is. Always. She thinks it’s a tumor or something life ending. It’s really affected our marriage and relationship. She has been to numerous doctors. Easily 5 or 6 different doctors and probably ~15 visits. I have good insurance but it’s been well over $1000. But don’t get me wrong, the money is not the issue. No one can figure out what is wrong with her. They have ideas and try and tell her things that might help but nothing has. Don’t get me wrong, I know she has some pain. I’m not saying she doesn’t but I’m wondering if her mind and the fact that she constantly worries about this has amplified it in some way. I say this because if you didn’t know what I’ve told you, you would never “see” her in pain. I say this but again, I know she’s not making it up. Her dr. wants her to go back on Lexapro. As of 3 days ago she has started taking it again. But, as with other things, she is worried what it will do to her. Again, she is a worrier. Hopefully it does something good for her. 
Intimacy. I’ll get this out of the way now. I’m talking more than sex. Intimate kissing, her wearing outfits (which she doesn’t have an issue with in general), taking showers together, performing oral sex when reasons exist that forbid “sex”, etc. Basically things that make a man feel desired. I hope that makes sense. Our intimate life has never been satisfying. She’s rarely is in the mood. And I’m not just talking about now. I’m talking for over 10 yrs. There have been gaps in our relationship of 2, 3, 4 months with zero intimate affection. And I’m not a guy that wants it all the time. To be more to the point; as I’ve told her, if you want it on Monday and don’t get it, then you want it on Tuesday and don’t get it, then Wednesday comes and still nothing, etc. etc. what do you do? It really gets to me. And I don’t badger her. Absolutely never. But it does make me feel completely unwanted 90% of the time. She’s tired. That’s about the best reason she gives. With two kids, I understand this to a point but I have always thought intimacy is part of a healthy relationship. Without it, I feel unwanted. Feeing unwanted in a relationship is not healthy. Here’s more TMI. Skip if you want. She gets yeast infections a lot. At least once per month. She’s been to her female doctor numerous times. She seems to be content with calling her in prescription pills or the cream. Mostly she just uses the over the counter 3-7 day cream. And I am completely sympathetic to this. I have offered, even insisted that I go get the medicine. I can’t count on one hand the number of times that I have been to CVS or Walmart to get it. Numerous times 10 or 11 o’clock at night because she was in discomfort. I’ve begged her to go to a new dr. because her dr. doesn’t seem to help get to the bottom of it. She says it just happens to some women more than others. But at least once a month, for years and years???? I’m no dr. it just seems there should be more to it then “Take this medicine” over and over.

So, I know some of the “sex” issues is related to the infections. I get that. But there are other things that can be done. And I don’t mean when she’s in extreme pain or discomfort. I’m not heartless. But say she has an infection for a week, then the next week she has her time of the month, then she’s tired for a week. So, maybe that next week there is some type of intimacy. Then rinse and repeat. That’s about what it is. Maybe once per month. Probably a little less than that if I were to break it down. Again, this has been for at least 4 or five years. Before that was about the same minus the infections. 
We married when I was in my early 30’s, she was in her late 20’s. It just seems at least once a week or so would be the “normal” for intimacy. Of course everyone is different but I don’t think I am unreasonable. At the very most it used to be maybe once every 2-3 weeks, maybe. And, as I said, there were times of months with nothing. I didn’t ask but she certainly was not wanting to. 
I know she’s miserable with her pain. I have been concerned. I have taken off hours/days from work and gone to several of her appointments. And it pains me to say this but I have thoughts of her also being a hypochondriac. Without getting into too much detail, her mother is a worrier, her brother has some issues. 
I’m not sure why I am writing this. Maybe just to vent. But I have recently begun to wonder if I even want to be married. I may be coming off as cold. I am certainly not. I’ve done a lot for her and she has done a lot for me. We have two kids so I don’t think I could bring myself to divorce her unless there was another bout of infidelity. I know marriage is for better or for worse but there never is “better”. Never. 

Ok, I have thick skin so I can take your comments but please understand I am writing all of this for help. If I was a bad person, I would not ask for advice, I wouldn’t care. 

And I typed this kinda quick so I may have omitted details. Any questions, please ask.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Welcome to TAM  

No one here will slam you for feeling the way you do about the sex and intimacy problems you're having. Sex and intimacy are very important in a marriage...no one will disagree with you.

Re the yeast infections, you absolutely must be treated as well. You'll just keep passing the infection back and forth between the two of you. Every time she treats herself, you need to treat yourself too.

She needs to see an obgyn about that issue I think. There are other things she can do with her diet that will also help - like cutting out sugar, caffeine, alcohol etc. They all can throw out the balance of natural flora in the body and contribute to yeast infections.

Has she had CT scans and MRI for her head pain?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Re the yeast infections, you absolutely must be treated as well. You'll just keep passing the infection back and forth between the two of you. Every time she treats herself, you need to treat yourself too.


:iagree:

Also, unless she's being tested at the doctor, she can't be completely sure it's a yeast infection. Women often mistake bacterial infections (bacterial vaginosis) for yeast infections. Over the counter meds will NOT treat a bacterial infection.

If she's having that many yeast infections (if that's what it really is) something is likely out of whack with her diet. She should restrict or eliminate sugar as yeast thrives on sugar. Also cut out alcohol, processed foods, breads, etc. and try to eat as clean as possible to change her body's pH level back to a more alkaline state.

She should try vaginally inserting plain, full-fat yogurt with live cultures daily or several times per week as a preventative measure. You can Google it for more info. Here is a good article: http://www.newhealthguide.org/Yogurt-For-Yeast-Infection.html

Finally, are you sure she isn't using the ever-present "yeast infections" as an excuse to avoid sex? It can be a very convenient excuse for a woman who doesn't want to be intimate. You stated that she is not very affectionate, not physically demonstrative, and doesn't make you feel desired. You also stated that your sex life has never been very satisfying. So *even if *you solve her gynecological issues you still must be prepared to address the bigger intimacy issues head-on. Is she still in love with you? And you with her? Were you ever really in love or did either of you "just settle?" Marriage counseling would be a good step for both of you.

Btw, welcome to TAM


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if she is getting infections, get a couple dozon condoms for you to stay clean

And who said you can not have sex when she is having her period??? Just go for it.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I agree with the others about the yeast infections, you need to get treated too, and she needs to be checked to make sure that is what it is. She also needs to watch what she eats.

As for the pain, there are things like fibromyalgia that can start as neck pain. There can be other symptoms too and it can take a while for enough symptoms to appear to get a diagnosis. That is just one example, there are many more. I would not discredit her symptoms just because the Dr.'s have not been able to diagnose her, and not knowing what it is, you really don't know what else she might be dealing with.

As for the intimacy, hopefully you can get the yeast infections stopped and that will help. There are some good books out there that might help too. There are also some good threads on this site. She needs to read them because a LD person simply cannot understand the need of a HD person without having an outside perspective. There is no way, unless you experience it for your self or get educated that you can understand it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife feel that she is ever free from yeast infections? When she uses those over the counter meds for it, does she feel like she's ever actually cured of it? 

I used to have docs give me the sulfa based ones that are creams they not only did not work for me, they burned me and made it worse. Get some non-sulfa based meds for the infections and see if they work better for her. 

She might also need to change her diet to one that discourages yeast infections. 

Anther thing is Lexapro. It does not work for some people and can make the depression worse. I tried it at one time. It made me feel like a zombie. I had no emotional response at all to anything. 

Has your wife tired Willbutrin (Bupropion). It has a very nice side effect in most people of increasing libido.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Thanks for the welcome and replies. I'll try to answer your questions.
I haven't been tested and from what I've read I don't need to be. Not arguing and I'll gladly ask my regular Dr (is that who I should ask?) if need be.
She's got them after we've used condoms, she's got them after we've abstained so I don't think we're passing it back and forth. I have no itching/pain/discomfort, etc. Never had.

She's modified her diet, changed detergents, tried different types of underwear, and tons of other things I can't remember. Nothing has helped. Her obgyn has known about this for years and years. 
She's not using the infections as an excuse. She really gets them or gets something. I've witnessed the redness/burning first hand on her and bought the meds and seen her insert.
She's very anti-medicine. She rarely will even take a tylenol for a headache. 
She won't the yogurt idea. I've researched and showed her the various home remedies to her but she's not sticking anything in there that the dr. doesn't recommend. 
What's an HD or LD person?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Unthought Known said:


> What's an HD or LD person?


It's referring to libido... HD=high drive, LD=low drive.

Not to beat a dead horse, but have her ask her doctor about the yogurt treatments. My own Western-trained M.D. suggested it to me years ago after I had a flurry of yeast infections. Perhaps her doctor is not opposed to it but just hasn't brought it up.

Also, consider food allergies. Is she perhaps dairy or gluten-intolerant? This can cause severe inflammatory response in the skin. She could try an elimination diet to rule out any allergies. Giving up gluten was a life-changer for me. Years of eczema and ear infections cleared up almost immediately. The doc was beginning to think I had psoriasis but it has completely gone away since giving up gluten 7 years ago.

I hope you both get it figured out.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I hope you find some way to help your wife get over those infections.

Unfortunately, I don't think that is your big problem. 

I, too, have regular yeast infections that can sometimes last for a week. They make sex really uncomfortable. That said, I am still very affectionate with my husband and we play around in other ways when I have them. I think you need to have an honest discussion with your wife about the way you feel. Do NOT pose it to her as that she is to blame. That will not work and she will just become defensive.

Instead, try telling your wife that you don't feel desired by her. That you miss her. You miss being close to her. Also, ask her if there is something you can do that might help get her in the mood. If she is tired from the kids, does she need a back rub, a foot rub, a hot bubble bath? 

I really hope you can work on this with your wife. You seem like a good husband who is really trying. Welcome to TAM.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Thanks again. 

She's done all kinds of thing with her diet to exclude the cause. Her obgyn suggested numerous things to help. None of it has ever helped. 
Again, keep in mind, this is years and years so we've been through alot. And I know it's worse for her as far as the infections. 
I've told her my feelings though the years. It might get better for a week or two but it always goes back to the same. 
Also, I did send her the yogurt link posted upthread. I sincerely doubt anything will happen though.
She is stressed alot. She thinks that might be causing them. That might be something the lexapro can help with. 

Moving on. As far as her pain, she has had CT scan which showed nothing. MRI results should be known very soon. 
Back/neck rubs are nightly. 

And I do sympathize with this recent pain as to why there is a lack of intimacy. But it's been going on for more years than I can really remember. It's just like "There's always _something._".


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Welcome

What was the cause of her affair? Have you guys ever spoke about that (assuming there was a reason of course).

Lack of affection and intimacy is a huge concern and you 2 need to work on it. She should be making sure you are happy, and other way around. 

Communicate with her about this stuff and get a feel for what she thinks/says.

If your desires don't match hers, and she can't go up and beyond and make sure you are happy, it's time for divorce.

Or you accept status quo forever


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'd be quite nervous about her physical health at this point. Have you seen more of a specialized doctor? To rule out women's cancer such as cervical or uterine.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

I'd rather not go into the details of the affair. We did speak about it and went to therapy immediately. 

I think the bottom line (about the intimacy, etc. stuff) is that we're just not compatible on that level. Never have been and probably never will be. She's in love according to her. I love her but as the minutes tick by I feel less and less loved so I would not consider myself deeply in love. sad but true. 
Revamped - I don't know what all tests her obgyn has done but I am reasonably sure those have been ruled out. Although asking her would cause worry, and that's a great source of her/our trouble.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Unthought Known said:


> I'd rather not go into the details of the affair. We did speak about it and went to therapy immediately.
> 
> I think the bottom line (about the intimacy, etc. stuff) is that we're just not compatible on that level. Never have been and probably never will be. She's in love according to her. I love her but as the minutes tick by I feel less and less loved so I would not consider myself deeply in love. sad but true.
> Revamped - I don't know what all tests her obgyn has done but I am reasonably sure those have been ruled out. Although asking her would cause worry, and that's a great source of her/our trouble.


To be clear... _she's in love w/ *you*, correct?_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> She should try vaginally inserting plain, full-fat yogurt with live cultures daily or several times per week as a preventative measure. You can Google it for more info. Here is a good article: Yogurt for Yeast Infection | New Health Guide


Whaaaaaaaaaat...?!?!?!?!?!?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

has she been tested for diabetes? If you are diabetic, and do not know it, you start to spill sugar out with your urine. THAT can feed the bugs, and make it hard for them to go away.

Is she peeing all the time? That is one sign. Thirsty all the time? that is another. 

Just a thought.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> To be clear... _she's in love w/ *you*, correct?_


correct.


murphy5 said:


> has she been tested for diabetes?
> Just a thought.


Yes, she has been tested. She's not diabetic.


BTW MRI showed nothing. Not sure what to do next as far as her pain, etc.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok, first you are normal. You are not in any way wrong for wanting sexual fulfillment. You are not crass, a pervert or a jerk. Denying a man of sexual fulfillment in marriage is a form of adultery in my book. You are entitled to want to be divorced over it. Gain confidence that you are right in your feeling and thoughts.

Your wife has alot of issues. You are not a doctor or a psychiatrist. You cannot get wrapped up in her issues. You can only provide her what it is you expect from a wife and you can faciilate her process of getting there through suggestions, allowing her to make choices, and encouraging her when she is making good marrital choices. You in turn observe who she is, the choices she makes, and whether she deserves to be your wife.


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## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

what are the positive aspects to being with her?


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Brafdor said:


> what are the positive aspects to being with her?


That's a great question. Besides the fact we have 2 kids...I don't know. Not to say nothing but it's almost like being married to a friend. I guess it's bad when you can think of more negatives than positives.


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