# How do I stop?



## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

I accidentally found old emails in my fiancé’s sent items while looking for something else (which he gave me permission to do). They were sex emails to other women. One was from 3 days before he proposed, and another was from 3 months later, to another woman. He tried to lie to me about it, but I turned into crazy cyber stalker, and found lots of evidence and finally he had to confess that he had been having on-line sex with women, playing out fantasy, etc. I felt like such a fool, running around happily planning our wedding while he was doing all of this under my nose. He swears that he stopped doing it over a year ago when one of the women sent him her phone number and suggested meeting in real life. He said it was like a slap in the face with cold water that what he was doing was wrong. I checked the phone records for home and his cell, and see no evidence that this number was ever called. And I remember the time frame he is talking about, he did seem to go through a small bout of depression where maybe he was beating himself up a bit over something, but I didn’t’ know why at the time. He says it was because he came to the realization of what he did and how badly it would hurt me if I ever discovered it. Case in point, I have been devastated and in therapy for six weeks since I found out. My therapist has really helped me understand a lot of what happened and separate out the issues. At first I really couldn’t get around feeling like he was just a horrible person, someone I didn’t know, etc. Now I feel that way about myself. I can’t stop snooping, digging, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m making him crazy and I know it, though he has been fairly patient with me. I want to stop. I don’t want to always be reading his email and going through the same drawer. 7 weeks ago I had never even turned on his computer, not once in 3 years. Now I do it every time I get a second alone in the house. I hate this overwhelming sense of panic when I don’t know where he is or what he is doing every second. We are supposed to get married in just over a month. I feel crazy.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This is 100% rock solid, absolute word-of-god, can't miss advice...

do not get married to this man.

get out now.

print this. bury it in the backyard.. dig it up in 5 years. I guarentee if you followed this advice or didn't follow this advice... it will still be the best advice you ever got.

ps. your not crazy and your not a bad person.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AJ916 said:


> They were sex emails to other women. One was from 3 days before he proposed, and another was from 3 months later, to another woman.


Be so happy this didn't happen after you got married.



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> This is 100% rock solid, absolute word-of-god, can't miss advice...
> 
> do not get married to this man.
> 
> get out now.


Pit is 100% correct.


----------



## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

My initial thoughts were don't marry this guy. And I would say that that is still my thought I',m not saying NEVER marry him, I',m just saying that you can't marry him in 1 month like you have been planning. I would explain to him that you can not start out a marriage without trust and that you just don't trust him right now. Then I'd insist on couples counseling. This would not be up for discussion it is a "I'm in" response or a deal breaker. Tell him you are not saying you will never marry him you just need to work this out together. He will be mad for sure, he will say he would never do it again/he loves you etc...and that may be true. However, you will learn through the counseling process whether he is changed and more importantly whether or not you can trust him again. Sometimes even if the other persons actions have been put in the past, for you it may not matter. The damage may have been done and you need to move on. This is not possible to accomplish in less than a month whilst in the midst of wedding prep. Minimum of 1 year postponement for the wedding I'd suggest.

So many people go through with weddings because they are too embarrassed to call it off. Let me promise you nothing is more embarrassing than getting divorced 6 months after the wedding because you find out that he has not changed, and nothing is more tragic than spending years with someone you don't trust. Come up with an excuse.....The dog died/minor surgery/money is tight/honeymoon plans work out better 1 year later.... whatever. People do not need to know why. 

Good luck to you.


----------



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I concur with Kirk, that's very sound advice if you really do want to stay with him.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

kirkster5 said:


> My initial thoughts were don't marry this guy. And I would say that that is still my thought I',m not saying NEVER marry him, I',m just saying that you can't marry him in 1 month like you have been planning. I would explain to him that you can not start out a marriage without trust and that you just don't trust him right now. Then I'd insist on couples counseling. This would not be up for discussion it is a "I'm in" response or a deal breaker. Tell him you are not saying you will never marry him you just need to work this out together. He will be mad for sure, he will say he would never do it again/he loves you etc...and that may be true. However, you will learn through the counseling process whether he is changed and more importantly whether or not you can trust him again. Sometimes even if the other persons actions have been put in the past, for you it may not matter. The damage may have been done and you need to move on. This is not possible to accomplish in less than a month whilst in the midst of wedding prep. Minimum of 1 year postponement for the wedding I'd suggest.
> 
> So many people go through with weddings because they are too embarrassed to call it off. Let me promise you nothing is more embarrassing than getting divorced 6 months after the wedding because you find out that he has not changed, and nothing is more tragic than spending years with someone you don't trust. Come up with an excuse.....The dog died/minor surgery/money is tight/honeymoon plans work out better 1 year later.... whatever. People do not need to know why.
> 
> Good luck to you.


both previous posters had it right, but didn't really put it in perspective.. so here it is in your face bold and plain.


You will spend more time trying to rebuild trust, coping with the betrayal and repairing the damage, than you would spend finding a new guy, dating him for a few years and then getting married. 

You are about to spend 50 years building a house on a foundation filled with cracks, leaks and breaks. You will damn yourself, your children and your future if you proceed and it will be 100% your fault.

Everyone in life has that moment... The one where they make a choice that effects them forever. THIS is that moment for you. What are you going to do?

Hopefully that puts it into perspective. You may be hurt now, but do not trade 3-4 months of sadness for a lifetime of pain. Get out now while your investment is low. The last thing you want to do is invest more into a crashing stock. SELL SELL SELL.


----------



## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

I know that you are all right. And I'm so angry. He made this concious decision to turn on his computer and throw everything away. To throw me away. Then he looks at me and says "it's not a big deal" or "it was just emails and sex". But in the next breath will say that it "kills him that he hurt me so badly". But he gets so mad that I can't just get over it. And I'm left in the middle trying to pretend to be fine, but dying inside. Because he is telling me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, so I pretend I'm fine with it. But on the inside I hate him for taking away my trust in him. For taking away this happy time of planning our wedding. Of beginning our life together. Of never having back the man I fell in love with. And I have to pretend all the time that I'm ok because he thinks I should be. I do feel crazy.


----------

