# Anxiety, Divorce & can't sleep. ADVICE



## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

I've been married for 10 years. We've had our struggles but 4 years into our marriage I started struggling with intense anxiety which led to me becoming agoraphobic. This drastically changed me and my husband's lives as I was not able to go and do much of anything anymore. I continued to work on it and am able to go a few places now like to a store by myself and can travel with him a few places like friends houses but its not often.

He has threatened to divorce me almost every year of our marriage. It got worse the last 2 years. He even filled out divorce papers once but didn't file. He is kinda difficult to talk to about problems and feelings. He just says we don't do this, We don't do that, I'm not happy, I don't have a wife outside of the house, nothing changes...ect. 

Well not only that I have caught him repeadelty over the years doing innaproriat things. Reaching out to past lovers or exes, Sexting, flirting, even went as far as to meet a stranger last year whom he spent the whole day with and hid the whole thing. I have always been the one to catch him and discuss what is going on because he gets very distant. 

Well tonight it happened again, while doing his laundry I found he had left his watch and saw that he said he wishes another girl would fall in love with him and he would make her happy forever. Then another message talking about kissing a girl and basically going down on her and tasting her. After discussing this with him, he said he loved me he wanted to stay marriage but then it turned and now he said he thinks we should get divorce. I asked again and said so like you done, and he said yes. 

I'm devastated but this isn't the first time I've heard this. It's been a constant cycle for years now. The last 3 years being the worst of the constant divorce threats. I catch him and now its over? I know I need to just leave for a while but I have few people in my life as I let my anxiety cocoon me into isolation. 

Advice!!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> I've been married for 10 years. We've had our struggles but 4 years into our marriage I started struggling with intense anxiety which led to me becoming agoraphobic. This drastically changed me and my husband's lives as I was not able to go and do much of anything anymore. I continued to work on it and am able to go a few places now like to a store by myself and can travel with him a few places like friends houses but its not often.
> 
> He has threatened to divorce me almost every year of our marriage. It got worse the last 2 years. He even filled out divorce papers once but didn't file. He is kinda difficult to talk to about problems and feelings. He just says we don't do this, We don't do that, I'm not happy, I don't have a wife outside of the house, nothing changes...ect.
> 
> ...


Hi Clarissa, sorry you find yourself here. However, you already know he's not going to change. End the cycle and cut him loose, unless you want this to be the rest of your life or until he tires of you and leaves anyway.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Agoraphobia is really debilitating and very serious, someone close to me suffered from this and no matter what she did, therapy medication etc she just absolutely could not leave the house and she tried her darned best! She was very lucky that her doctor called her husband and family in and really firmly told them they were not to behave badly towards her, or push her or make her feel worse, it was that serious. She’s much better now, but she was so so unwell, it was devastating to watch.

So I’m very angry that your husband has zero understanding of what you’re going through.

You have two issues with him, cheating and complete lack of compassion and care and he’s blaming you!!! It’s absolutely disgusting and inhumane. Please let your doctor or psych know about this because that sort of behaviour from spouses and family doesn’t fly in my country, it would be classed as serious abuse.

You are going to be better one day, you really have to believe this, you’re worth so much and this is a hiccup in your life story.

Don’t let that man ever EVER convince you otherwise.

His life is not garbage because of you. He’s the healthy one, and he’s got a tonne of options to improve his own situation. Chatting with chicks and blaming his sick wife is no recipe for happiness, his heart of stone is his problem, not you.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Agoraphobia is really debilitating and very serious, someone close to me suffered from this and no matter what she did, therapy medication etc she just absolutely could not leave the house and she tried her darned best! She was very lucky that her doctor called her husband and family in and really firmly told them they were not to behave badly towards her, or push her or make her feel worse, it was that serious. She’s much better now, but she was so so unwell, it was devastating to watch.
> 
> So I’m very angry that your husband has zero understanding of what you’re going through.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insight and kind words. It hurts so bad. He just says he's not happy and needs to find himself again. I feel for him and feel terrible my own mental illness has hurt him. Still doesn't excuse the bad behavior of reaching out to women in the ways he does. Or constantly threatening to divorce me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> He just says he's not happy and needs to find himself again


Sounds like that's his way of trying to blame you for his terrible behavior. You can remain with this lying cheat or you can move on. That is entirely up to you. But if you stay, this is the life you will have.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Don’t feel bad for him, your mental illness hasn’t hurt him. There are women who don’t have agoraphobia who still deal with men like this.

I hope that you can turn this sympathy towards yourself, because it’s clear here who needs it - you. Do you see it’s actually the other way around and it’s YOU that’s being hurt by his behaviour?

As for threatening divorce, how do you react when he does it? Do you cry, beg, plead ask him to stay? Why hasn’t he actually filed or left you? Or is he leaving that job to you so he can come out the good guy and say you left him?

I am assuming you see someone for your agoraphobia, what do they say about the way your husband treats you?

In terms of advice, for the divorce threats, I would stop reacting. A simple ‘ok’ and walk away is what you should say from now on. In fact stop discussing anything with him when these things happen. Really listen when he’s telling you these things about leaving and finding himself and simply say ‘ok’ every time.

In terms of your anxiety/agoraphobia, you also stop asking him for help & organise yourself a team of a few people, sort of like spreading the load. So it could be someone to help you go out more when you can. A different person that you can rely on when things are hard. A different person again that you’re going to laugh and have fun with.

Show him you’re moving forward. Keep discussions very short and simple, answers to questions ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Don’t even question anymore about other women or the things you find. Change your reactions to him 100%. Listen to everything he’s saying without any input from you, and for the things you need to say, for now, you say them to other people. All the hurt and pain you feel, don’t bother telling him anymore, find anyone else to cry to.

There’s only so long he can keep ranting and cheating and chatting without an audience. Don’t be his audience anymore, you have you to look after and feel sorry for. Change is long overdue.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another side thing to add, my friend was so limited in her interactions, that there was a really happy ending for her. When she was able to go to the shops, she was encouraged to actually admit she had a problem with anxiety and to ask them to be patient with her, make small talk etc. 

Part of her therapy was to walk a little bit up her street each day, and slowly she ended making friends with the shopkeepers, she met so many neighbours and 10 years later she pretty much had an entire new group of friends.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

Thank you for all your advice!

The first time the divorce threats happened was the first year we were together. It's happened so many times and I have all reactions I could. In the beginning I would cry, beg, plead. I've stopped that. Sometimes I've gotten angry, or just said ok and I have even said nothing! He filled out paperwork once but later changed his mind. Sometimes it would take days for him to change his mind other times it can last weeks. 

My therapist did say it is abuse.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Another side thing to add, my friend was so limited in her interactions, that there was a really happy ending for her. When she was able to go to the shops, she was encouraged to actually admit she had a problem with anxiety and to ask them to be patient with her, make small talk etc.
> 
> Part of her therapy was to walk a little bit up her street each day, and slowly she ended making friends with the shopkeepers, she met so many neighbours and 10 years later she pretty much had an entire new group of friends.


This is so encouraging to hear!!!


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## meadlobon (Aug 3, 2021)

I wish you the best of luck in this challenging way. I have a close friend with Social Anxiety. I think your husband should definitely see a therapist. I don't even know what to suggest to you. If you are tired - then divorce, and if you still care about him and are willing to fight together with him - then help him undergo treatment. I don't have a mental disorder, so it's easier for me to help my friend with her illness. But indeed, no one judges you if you decide to divorce, especially since you have children, and they need to live in a stable environment at home. I'd advise you to see a family psychologist because your husband's behavior may have affected the children.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

He's been threatening you with divorce for 10 years? Wow, I can't imagine staying with someone who acted like that for this long. I'd call his bluff...the next time he mentions divorce, so okay, I think we should too. And then do it. This guy is not worth your time. Yes, you may love him, but that's probably because you are scared of being alone and starting over. Leaving is a huge step to take. But you deserve to be happy and with someone that will respect you and treat you right. And it's only a matter of time before he commits adultery...if he hasn't already.


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## cdjy1234 (Jul 30, 2021)

Did you say if you have children? I am imagining that is a big reason you have overlooked so much. I'm in that same boat and just starting to realize some things about the constant sexting, chatting, and engaging with other women online. While my husband hasn't physically cheated (except a kiss once), he is constantly looking around. It is so frustrating but I've stayed for my children. Starting to realize that I deserve more than that level of commitment from someone and it has very much damaged our intimacy and connection with each other. 

I wonder if your anxiety and condition would maybe even improve if you were out of what must be a very stressful and unhappy situation for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ClarissaStruggles You have a terrible monstrous condition that is wrecking your life. Also, you have agoraphobia. 

Get rid of the main problem in your life. Which isn't the agoraphobia.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> I've been married for 10 years. We've had our struggles but 4 years into our marriage I started struggling with intense anxiety which led to me becoming agoraphobic. This drastically changed me and my husband's lives as I was not able to go and do much of anything anymore. I continued to work on it and am able to go a few places now like to a store by myself and can travel with him a few places like friends houses but its not often.
> 
> He has threatened to divorce me almost every year of our marriage. It got worse the last 2 years. He even filled out divorce papers once but didn't file. He is kinda difficult to talk to about problems and feelings. He just says we don't do this, We don't do that, I'm not happy, I don't have a wife outside of the house, nothing changes...ect.
> 
> ...


How are things today?


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