# Feel like I ruined my Wife's Birthday, don't know what to do.



## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Hey everyone,

So, today was my wife's Birthday. A few weeks ago, I had tried to come up with something fun to do, take Monday off and go visit some of her friends in another city, or take a short vacation. She declined these ideas and said it was futile because it was either too expensive or wouldn't be worth it since it's freezing cold everywhere we could go for a short getaway.

So we decided to Work on Monday...

Despite that, I still wanted to do something special for her Birthday weekend. I bought her a G-Shock watch for her a week ago, because I know she loves to collect watches and I found a blue one, which she pointed out @ Macy's and said she liked. 
Basically, the weekend we had looked like this..
-Ran some errands
-Had lunch at Chilli's (kinda thought it was like her B-day dinner) 
-Went out and bought a Garmin Gps/workout watch that she preferred over the new Fitbits
When we got home, she called her parents (who are in the Philippines) and I gave her the G-Shock. She said she loved it, but was thinking about returning it and keeping the Garmin..
The next day we went to her Church, and before going I cleaned off her car and made a her a "snow cake" from the snow on the trunk of her car. I actually lit candles thinking she would like it consider it sweet. 
Lastly, we went out for a nice dinner with my parents at a Sushi restaurant and some delicious food.

So, Monday morning rolls around and she asks me if I signed up for any overtime today. I've been working a lot of Overtime lately to get extra cash and try and pay off student loans. So, I had, because I figured we would celebrate her B-day on the weekend. She said she wished I hadn't. I did try to talk to my boss about it, but it was simply too busy to leave early.
Anyways, as I was heading home she texted me this.

"If we're not going to go out tonight, can you least pick me up some hamburger to cook?" 
I responded "Did you want to go out and eat tonight?"

On my way home, I stopped into Kroger and got some Ground beef and a few pieces of her favorite cake from the bakery.

When I got, I Asked her where she wanted to out and eat. She said "Idk" and said she might just go over to friend's house and have a dinner with her. I told her I didn't mind going out to eat, but I just wasn't expecting it since we did a lot already on the weekend. She said it was her tradition in her family to always go out on her B-day. I kept offering to take her out, but she was basically upset because I hadn't planned a dinner in advance. 

She also pointed out her text was a pretty obvious hint and I should have just called her and said "Hey, I'm coming now, let's go to X place to eat". 

She decided to make herself some Pancit Canton (basically filipino ramen) and tell me how I was selfish and insensitive and how her friends at work took her and out, and anyone she knew would gladly take her out for a dinner. She also told me they said something to the effect of

"I hope your Husband has nice dinner plans" to which she responded "Are you kidding me" and then disappointingly remarked that she was hoping I wouldn't disappoint her, but, of course I did.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The two of you are not communicating well. Personally, I think you should have taken her out for dinner ON her birthday if at all possible. Lunch at Chili's doesn't count, unless it was previously agreed upon that it was the birthday celebration meal. 

You wanted to take a weekend trip to celebrate, but she hemmed and hawed and wouldn't commit to plans.

This is really about communication, not birthdays. She won't tell you what she really wants, and you can't read her mind. Then she punishes you for guessing incorrectly.

Read some books about communication.

For the record, bringing home a pound of ground beef for HER to cook doesn't make for a very romantic birthday. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Its funny because today is my birthday and my H is depressed because he thought he ruined it, I was hoping this wasn't him! Lol. Anyway. To be honest, I think she is being ungrateful. We are adults. It sounds like she had a great weekend! Maybe she should have made it clear she wanted to go out to eat. If it is tradition to go on her birthday, wouldnt the plans be made more clear? Maybe I am missing something. I had a good day. I made it clear that I wanted to go out to eat ALONE with my h and that is what happened, and if it didn't, oh well. I'm a big girl and it really is just another day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> The two of you are not communicating well. Personally, I think you should have taken her out for dinner ON her birthday if at all possible. Lunch at Chili's doesn't count, unless it was previously agreed upon that it was the birthday celebration meal.
> 
> You wanted to take a weekend trip to celebrate, but she hemmed and hawed and wouldn't commit to plans.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I appreciate the advice. For the record, I was perfectly willing to take her out to eat again, and I bought the beef since she requested I buy it to make spaghetti and I was going to get her cake anyways.

I honestly feel depressed and not in the mood to do anything when she's like this. I thought the nice Sushi dinner and the watch would be enough to make her happy. Even so, I offered to take her out, but it didn't count because I only did so after she TOLD me that's what she wanted to do. 

In retrospect I feel stupid and a bit like a worthless husband for not having plans, but on the other hand, I'm kinda upset that she doesn't seem to appreciate all the other things we did for B-day. She's moping around and not talking to me like it was her worst B-day ever and I completely forgot it. (which is kinda funny because this seems a lot better than her last B-day and she didn't complain as much)

Another strange sidenote, she posted a selfie of her posing and making a kissy face at the mirror while dressed up with her fancy shoes on. A lot of people commented about how pretty she looked and of course she loved the attention. I made a comment something to the effect of..
"Isn't she great! She spent a lot of time flirting with her reflection and trying to get a nice "modelish" look.

First, she liked it, then sent me a txt saying it felt like I was throwing her under the bus and the modelish comment wasn't nice.

So I changed it to "She looks so beautiful and amazing without trying, still likes to flirt with her reflection, though"

She deleted the comment and I asked her why, and she just said she didn't like it.

Anyways, despite this. I need to know what I can to make her feel better. I feel like this is really hurting our marriage. She made a comment that I'm on Strike "TWO", referring to my earlier screwup on Valentines day (Long story, I'll have to explain later)

My only idea at this point is to try to surprise her or take her out tomorrow, though I have a feeling it won't count or she won't be in the mood.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

I am sorry to hear about the struggle you are experiencing now. I hope that things get better. Would you elaborate as to what she meant by Valentine's Day dissatisfaction?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has she always been a spoiled princess? 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". Let us know if you see any of yourself in those books. 

C


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

PBear said:


> Has she always been a spoiled princess?
> 
> Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". Let us know if you see any of yourself in those books.
> 
> C


Yeah, there are a few things in common. She definitely controls a lot in the relationship, including finances, paying bills etc. I would like to help, but it's more conveinent right because she has all the reminders set up on her phone. 

She also complains about me asking where something is, or when I lose or can't find something.


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## BronzeTorpedo (Dec 17, 2014)

Birthdays are for children. Adults eat birthday meals at Chili's and then go back to work. Unfortunately, it sounds like you married a child. So, your choices are to either stop catering to her and inform her that it's time for her to grow up and act like an adult, or to meet her expectations.

Yes, her texts were invitations for you to take the lead and take her out for an amazing adventure on her birthday. Whether you decide to cater to her whims or not, you should at least recognize what she's asking you.

Personally, I advise you to man up and lay down the law. If you try to cater to her whims, you will probably fail. And that's worse than simply informing her that you won't be spinning your wheels any longer because it's time for her to act her age. She will at least respect that.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> The next day we went to her Church, and before going I cleaned off her car and made a her a "snow cake" from the snow on the trunk of her car. I actually lit candles thinking she would like it consider it sweet.


This is one of the most sweetest things I've ever heard in my 46 years on this earth. I would've melted on the spot if someone did that for me. You are quite creative and that is to be commended. 

Frankly, I think your wife ruined her own birthday. You had tried to make plans but she turned you down. 

She acted like a brat.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

You are a sweet man..I agree that you guys need to communicate better. Your wife has high expectations or some sort of standards that she expects you to adhere to. She wants to be the queen. Communication is the key. She might have thought eating out on the weekend was just another day and didn't count. Not unless you specifically spoke about it. 

Its also her birthday so though you were sweet in my eyes by what you did for her, she may not see it that way because those may not be as important to her compared to having a nice meal with you alone on her birthday.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married? You and your wife don't communicate well. You are second guessing what she prefers. She expected actions from you, yet declines when offered dining out. You expected her to be grateful for the events and gifts on her birthday, yet these do not meet her requirements.

You need to ask her with specifics as to what she would like for your special days and holidays. Write it down and have her sign it. She is materialistic so you need to plan ahead and get what she wants to please her. Guessing and false expectations will lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. 

I'm a woman. Frankly, women like your wife gives me a headache. She reminds me of my lunatic sister.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You really need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

synthetic said:


> You really need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"


What he said :iagree:


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

The two of you are speaking two different languages. She has not learned to express herself honestly and I do believe she was expecting from you something that she did not express, probably did not know how. She was hoping that you would just plan her birthday and take her to a place without her having to hint or ask. I don't think that is too unreasonable. It probably would have been something you would have done without a second thought when you were dating and to her this would have been special treatment from you had you done it. Something to keep in mind for those special occasions.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Next year, plan something for her birthday and take her there. Don't ask her, just tell her to be ready at such and such a time and go have fun ON HER ACTUAL BIRTHDAY.


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

Do this 

"Honey if you want something ask. I am nearly always more than willing to accommodate that. While you do that I will continue to do my best to offer you romance without being prompted in any way. What I can not get comfortable with is for you to expect me to read your mind while getting upset when that does not turn out well. Here is what did not work in this case ....(explain). A very similar disappointing result will come from repeating a mind reader expectation so lets stop that right now and substitute clear expression of your wishes which you will more than likely get in almost all cases. Thank you for listening patiently. Can I have your word you will honor my request to ask directly what it is that I can do to make you happy on specific occasions and situations instead of expecting me to guess and correctly so what you are thinking?"


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