# MIL and habitual liar passive aggressive husband



## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

MIL & husband driving me to destruction 

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HI, I'm usually not that angry of a person, but my husband is a habitual liar and him and his family play games with me emotionally. Today he grabbed his phone real fast before I could use it. I thought he was looking at porn because I've found it on there before and he doesn't want to sleep with me for months at a time as he says that he doesn't feel the same since we had the baby nine months ago. Well, I grabbed the phone and took off and he chased me around the apartment complex. I thought it must be really hard core stuff.I drove down the street. There wasn't even any porn on there. It turned out that he had been texting his mother nasty things about me. How I was *****ing and moaning and how he would strangle me if I found a way to extend our taxes and use the money for somehting else. Needless to say there is a long back story. So, I told him that I couldn't find anything on the phone. I kept asking him what kind of porn it was, etc. And that I didn't care that he was looking that I just really didn't like being lied too, etc. And he made up this big lie. Then his mother turns up. He had called her when I left and told her to come over. Just like last time we had a fight. She lives forty five minutes away. 
HIs family tried to ruin our wedding. They tried to ruin our honey moon. They *****ed out my mom in front of their whole family the day before our wedding. MIL and I went out to lunch while my husband was away on vacation. She said tath he was an internet pervert and had got this young girl to go out with him. (lie) That I was not educated enough nor did I make enough money to be with him. She told me that he wasn't emotionally capable of having a relationship. They meanwhile were telling him that I was emotionally unstable, etc. Just trying to break us up. 
He promised me that they never talked about me. He lies about stuff all the time.Like credit cards and finances and just small things, too. I don't know what to do. OUr son is only nine months old. Should I leave him? He says that he doesn't mean to lie but that he can't stop that he can't control himself and that he can't stop calling his mother anytime anything goes wrong. He says that he will go to counseling on his own. (We have had a few marriage counseling sessions.) Please, I am in so much pain all the time. Not that I am perfect and do not get upset. Should I leave? He also does mean things like forget our anniversary even when I reminded him the day before and the day of when he didn't get me anything I told him that it hurt and he promised me something after he got home from work but he still didn't get me anything.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Should you leave? That is your question? Please, read your own post and pretend someone else you don't know wrote it. What would you tell them?

It is bad enough to have a sucky husband, but to have his whole family on board with making you crazy is going to do just that, MAKE YOU CRAZY. 

Just because you said the vows in the white dress doesn't mean your hubby will respect you and put you above all others. That is clear. Start researching divorce, contact an attorney and ask questions. Contacting a lawyer doesn't mean you have to act now, just know your options. 

Take a look at the threads on this site. It is loaded with stories like yours. Get what you can from their experiences. You are not alone. This site has changed my life. Being able to share my feelings and not being attacked has done wonders for my outlook on life. 

You are in a horrible situation. Don't give this man and his family YOUR LIFE. My mother is in her 60's now, she never left my father even though she should have. She is so full of regrets she is withering before my eyes. You can't fix them, you can only fix YOU.

I hate it when people say "get counseling" like that is a fix-it all, however, in your case, counselling will give you the tools and the balls to deal with The Addams Family. Your confidence needs to be restored. Change yourself, even if hubby and his family don't like the new you. Bullies do not like to be challenged. Get strong and keep coming back here. There are some great people on here who have gone what you are going through and will be able to help you. Reaching out is the hardest and first part. You are already past that. Now let's get your confidence up so you can get strong and perhaps leave your awful situation.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Venus, the behaviors you are describing -- temper tantrums, threats of suicide, verbal abuse, self hatred, blaming you for every misfortune, habitual lying, and rapid flips between loving and hating you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy all of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD.

Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether to stay married to your H, you don't need to know whether his traits surpass the diagnostic threshold. Even when those traits fall well short of that threshold, they can make your life miserable, harm your children, and destroy a marriage. Moreover, strong BPD traits are easy to identify when occurring in a man you've known for many years. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about behavior such as verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, and temper tantrums.

Significantly, I don't know that he is a BPDer (i.e.,whether he has most BPD traits at a strong level). I am confident, however, that you can spot the red flags (i.e., strong occurrences of BPD traits) if you take time to read about them. 

I therefore suggest that you read about BPD traits so you know how to spot the red flags. An easy place to start is my brief description of such traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would encourage you to discuss it with your own therapist (not his therapist). Moreover, I would be happy to discuss it with you and point you to online resources, e.g., a message board at BPDfamily.com that is devoted to spouses and ex-spouses who are raising a child with one parent who has BPD. Take care, Venus.


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