# I'm sad. Don't know what to do.



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I haven't posted a new thread in a while because...because.

Tonight I'm feeling as miserable, sad, and helpless as I ever have at my worst moments with my H.

Here's what happened tonight:

I'm at my grandmother's house for the next 2 weeks, along with my mom...1.5 hour away from him.

Why so much time away?

1. Mom lives 10 hours away. 
2. Grandma's having health issues...2 heart procedures this week, needs some help.
3. Some distance from H right now is not a bad thing.

Our mutual, very close friend was in town tonight too. She was in our wedding. 

H drove in this evening to have dinner with us.
During dinner, he was discussing Easter weekend driving arrangements w/my mom. 
Slightly stressful topic. Fine.
Lots of talking, lots of activity and noise.
I started to say something.
He snapped, "Can I finish?"
I said, "Hey, I was trying to say something on your behalf..." 

I wasn't ok being snapped at, so I went into kitchen to help clean up, cool off, etc...

I gave him a Look that said "I don't like being snapped at. I'm not happy."

In front of my mom, g-ma, and close friend, he said loudly, "Really, honey? You're upset with me now? You're going to be upset? Really?"
I replied VERY calmly, "Honey, we can have this conversation at another time."

MISTAKE, maybe: Shouldn't have replied.
Maybe I should've said, "I don't know what you're talking about" and kept going.
Whatever. I didn't.

A few minutes later he said the *exact* same thing to me. Insert the word "still" or "again" somewhere in there.
This time I said, "ok...would you like to go outside for 5 minutes?"
He refused.

3 minutes later I was cleaning the table..he was sitting, and I said to him, "I didn't say anything to you."

He took that as an opportunity to say abruptly and loudly, "That's it. I'm leaving."

I walked him to his car.
Whereupon he accused ME of doing the same to HIM before dinner "not once, not twice, but 4 times." 
(I really don't recall this.)

I said "Okay...I didn't realize. I'm sorry if I did that. And then inside, I didn't like being snapped at by you."
He semi-apologized.
I suggested he take a drive to cool off for 20 minutes, then come back to enjoy the rest of the evening with us.
I reminded him that our friend is moving to the opposite coast in a month and she is only in town this week, so it would be nice to spend time with her.

He drove off.

2 hours later, he texted "I'm not returning tonight. Please apologize to {friend} for my rudeness."
5 minutes later texted "going to bed. Good night I love you."

I did not reply.
I'm supposed to see him on Easter weekend. 
Not before that, unless I drive home this week to pick up clothes to bring down to my parents' house for Easter.

My gut tells me that he manipulated everything, waited for ME to do what HE doesn't like (speak), and used it as an excuse and reason to react by LEAVING.

It's the same thing over and over and over again.

And I'm getting so tired of it.
I'm so miserable. 

I just want to run away.

Tomorrow he's going to call and act like nothing's wrong.
If I'm still obviously unhappy, he'll use that as a "SEE? You're not over it yet!" and continue to treat me disrespectfully.

I'm so sick of this.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

That was very insensitive, especially in front of your family.. 
Do you think he had a reason to leave (as if, was somebody waiting for him?) Maybe I missunderstood some part..
But any way, maybe you should go home before Easter and have an open conversation about how you feel.. I would tell him calmly that I thought that was disrespectful, what was the real reason for it and if he continues to act like that, I wouldn't even want him there for Easter, and that after that we need to discus our future relationship..


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

His only reason to leave was his bruised ego and his anger.
It's all he could/can see.
He sees nothing else, nothing good.

He does not care what my feelings are. Bottom line. Plain and simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I can see, analyze, and understand what got to HIM.

It still doesn't make his reaction acceptable to me.

What do I do with that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

MC is required, sad story.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Snooring said:


> MC is required, sad story.


Been there, done that.
He quit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

credam- I have followed your posts and situation quite closely over the past six month. Although, I haven't really responded. I do not want to tell you this because I don't want to discourage you. I really believe your husband lacks maturity and comes across as selfish. He has some "passive aggressive" traits to where he is trying to manipulate you to respond in a certain way. I would do this to my wife before. Get angry and react in certain ways to try and make her feel guilty. It has more to do with his manliness and inability to handle your emotions than it has anything to do with you. 

Unfortunately, he needs a very good IC therapist to help him with this. THIS is why your joint sessions weren't really getting you guys where you needed to be. You were dealing with the "branches" and not the "root".


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> credam- I have followed your posts and situation quite closely over the past six month. Although, I haven't really responded. I do not want to tell you this because I don't want to discourage you. I really believe your husband lacks maturity and comes across as selfish. He has some "passive aggressive" traits to where he is trying to manipulate you to respond in a certain way. I would do this to my wife before. Get angry and react in certain ways to try and make her feel guilty. It has more to do with his manliness and inability to handle your emotions than it has anything to do with you.
> 
> Unfortunately, he needs a very good IC therapist to help him with this. THIS is why your joint sessions weren't really getting you guys where you needed to be. You were dealing with the "branches" and not the "root".


I know.

Currently he's acting like nothing happened.
He texted: "good morning baby, how'd grandma's procedure go?"

I cried all night, didn't sleep.
I'm certain he slept fine.

This isn't ok with me.
But I don't know what to do with all of this.

I can't make him "see" or "want to grow" or heal what needs healing in there.
But I don't have much reason to trust that he'll come to that on his own.

I don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Honestly, if somehow you can get him to read "Fathered by God". It shook me up. I spent two months engulfed in it and it helped me realize what I was doing. It is very faith based, therefore, I don't know if he will receive it. 

I doubt he slept fine. He just doesn't know how to handle this and is looking to YOU for strength when he is the one that should be strong and even keeled. 

Men have BIG problems developing the emotional side of things and conquering this especially under 40. That is across the board, just keep that in your back pocket. 

Always keep in mind that you CANNOT take back something you say. Sometimes it's better just to let things lie. For instance, trying to be an agent for him in a conversation with your family. Let him try to handle it.

Are you still in IC?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Honestly, if somehow you can get him to read "Fathered by God". It shook me up. I spent two months engulfed in it and it helped me realize what I was doing. It is very faith based, therefore, I don't know if he will receive it.
> 
> I doubt he slept fine. He just doesn't know how to handle this and is looking to YOU for strength when he is the one that should be strong and even keeled.
> 
> ...


D2H, I appreciate it.

But I know he slept fine. We've been down this road before.

The book might appeal to him because he is a religious Christian.

But he's not inclined to read, work, introspect, share/communicate, etc. 
He's far too busy blaming others and covering up his nasty feelings with anger.

I feel like I cannot count on him whatsoever.

I wish he would wake up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes, I'm still in IC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Yes, I'm still in IC.


Good for you. Don't quit. Make sure you get completely happy with you.

A good quote, "A man is not a failure until he starts blaming others for his problems." I wish you all the luck int he world. Sorry you are going through this.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Good for you. Don't quit. Make sure you get completely happy with you.
> 
> A good quote, "A man is not a failure until he starts blaming others for his problems." I wish you all the luck int he world. Sorry you are going through this.


D2H, I got the impression you are a praying man.
Please pray for me and my husband.
It can availeth much,..thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> D2H, I got the impression you are a praying man.
> Please pray for me and my husband.
> It can availeth much,..thank you.


Yes credam. Much more now than EVER. It has changed me beyond recognition. My wife looked at me last night and said, "You are so different. You really are making things very easy compared to six months ago." I explained to her how my heart has been changed and regardless of what she does that I made a covenant with God to be there for her and to love her. It has taken 12 years of marriage to get me HERE! Sacrificial love opens so many doors. In order to have love, you must accept the other person and their shortcomings. I accept now that my wife is not ready to reconcile. I accept her for who she is today. That has made my experience soooo much easier. I understand that daily she will still do things that are selfish and "guarded". This love is unconditional and frees the other person to be who they are with no fear of their shorcomings. It doesn't take hold immediately, but does over time. It has taken months of me doing things this way.

Sometimes we can't see what is truly going on in our relationships because we are so "in the middle of the battle". It is full of confusion. Twisting small levers in everyday life have BIG implications down the road. Emotional connection is EVERYTHING. As it deepens, you can help each other unlock the secrets in your heart.

And, yes, you are on my prayer list.


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