# The Quiet BPD'er



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I found this article the other day, it helps to explain borderline personality a little better as far as knowing there is another type of BPD, the quite BPD'er. Most people rage and or can self injure with BPD but some do not. This explains a little more about it. I dated a woman like this years ago. To this day I believe she was a quiet BPD'er. 

Borderline Personality – The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment – Nons


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I have read about this before. I believe this describes the way my husband can be. He never rages, but shutting down and shutting me out, and not talking to me for whatever reason (some times no reason at all) can be the equivilent as someone who rages. Its all a form of abuse, period.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

AgentD said:


> I have read about this before. I believe this describes the way my husband can be. He never rages, but shutting down and shutting me out, and not talking to me for whatever reason (some times no reason at all) can be the equivilent as someone who rages. Its all a form of abuse, period.


When your BPD is hitting 90dB screaming while raging, for an hour or a day, let me know if that is preferable over silence for an hour or a day.

I'm not downplaying the silent BPD issue but after being used to raging episodes galore it's kind of difficult to visualize quiet as an issue. The end result is the same anyway.

The only issue I would probably have with silence would be that the non receives little feedback about the issue in contention...


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

"The end result is the same anyway!" 

Yep sure is. It's a form
Of abuse, and that's the bottom line!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jamison, another interesting article about quiet BPDers is Sheri Schreiber's blog at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. Whereas Mahari (in the article you cite) emphasizes the icy cold and passive aggressive nature of these people, Schreiber emphasizes the "I am just a poor little victim, woe is me" nature. Schreiber refers to them as "Waif Borderlines." 

While I do like Schreiber's description of these BPDers who turn their anger inward and "act in," I don't like the way she confuses BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths. Generally, I believe Schreiber's view of BPDers is too black-white and attributes traits to them that are NPD and AvPD traits, not BPD traits.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Uptown, I have a question. 

Let's say there's a person who plays the victim and they like to attention seek. Lets say they finally get the attention they have been wanting, but when they get the attention, they don't want it, what is that? It seems like game playing to me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm BPD. There is silent treatment which is deliberate, manipulative and meant to punish. Then there is going 'quiet' to avoid raging at someone.

I do the latter. When my emotions get the better of me and I'm trying to self regulate I get quiet, pull away, shut down, the works. Usually only lasts a few hours. I try to communicate but sometimes I can't.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'm BPD. There is silent treatment which is deliberate, manipulative and meant to punish. Then there is going 'quiet' to avoid raging at someone.
> 
> I do the latter. When my emotions get the better of me and I'm trying to self regulate I get quiet, pull away, shut down, the works. Usually only lasts a few hours. I try to communicate but sometimes I can't.


Mavash, just wondering, when you pull away, shut down etc, I'm assuming its at the person who you felt has hurt or upset you correct? Are you that way with just that person, or would you act the same way if a neighbor or family were to drop by?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Mavash, just wondering, when you pull away, shut down etc, I'm assuming its at the person who you felt has hurt or upset you correct? Are you that way with just that person, or would you act the same way if a neighbor or family were to drop by?


My mood drops for sometimes no reason whatsoever. I feel like crap out of the blue and I shut down. 

And then I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to answer the phone or the door (working on this). 

I don't like being this way but I think it's far superior than raging.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Thanks Mavash! I dated a woman years ago who was BPD. She shut down and withdrew more than rage. The reason I asked was, when the woman I dated would shut down 
and I got the silent treatment, she would only seem to do it with me. If people came over or someone called or we had a place to be, she seemed to be able to pull herself out of whatever
mood she was in long enough to be around them but then when alone with me she would go right back to withdrawing. I got treated like this even when I knew I had done nothing wrong. 
For her to be able to pull herself out of her mood long enough to put on a front for others said to me she possibly could have pulled herself out of her mood long enough to communicate and talk 
to me about certain things. Once when she was acting depressed and giving me the silent treatment, I caught her laughing and having a good time while watching tv, but when I walked into the room
where she was she immediately stopped laughing and switched to having a depressed/mad look,you could tell it was purposely done, she no longer was laughing. She didn't notice that I saw her laughing prior to me stepping in the room. I never said I noticed her
laughing then acting pissed. I believe there are some people who can control their moods and know exactly what they are doing. I think the woman I dated was one if those people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> I got the silent treatment, she would only seem to do it with me.
> 
> If people came over or someone called or we had a place to be, she seemed to be able to pull herself out of whatever mood she was in long enough to be around them but then when alone with me she would go right back to withdrawing.


I could do this when I was younger. I can't now. 

I don't know if it's age, out of practice (I'm a recluse) or maybe I just don't care what others think of me anymore. Who knows? LOL


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

Omg, my husband's exwife could be the poster child for the Schreiber article! She was molested by her alcoholic father and never misses a chance to bring it up. She was also a victim of emotional abuse by my husband, and had to raise their daughter alone (her choice) but see how she rose above it, like a phoenix from the ashes, the winningest victim of them all. Don't you feel sorry for her? If you don't, she can retell the story so you won't miss any martyrlike details. 
She needs a soundtrack.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Uptown, I have a question. Let's say there's a person who plays the victim and they like to attention seek....but when they get the attention, they don't want it, what is that?


Trey, you are describing the typical behavior of BPDers (i.e., those having strong BPD traits). They find their partners most attractive when the partners are just out of reach and unavailable. The scenario you describe usually occurs not due to game playing but, rather, to the BPDer's two great fears being at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you move away from triggering one fear, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other.

Specifically, as you draw close to show the affection and attention that the BPDer craves, you will find that she quickly feels engulfed and suffocated -- which will be evident in the way she creates a fight over nothing to push you away. Yet, as you back off to give her breathing space, you will start triggering her great fear of abandonment -- which will be evident in the way she seeks attention and affection. The result, of course, is the recurring cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back that is a hallmark of BPDer relationships.

Although this scenario (of alternately wanting and rejecting attention) is most strongly associated with BPD, it can arise (to a lesser extent) from narcissistic or sociopathic traits -- but for very different reasons. A narcissist, for example, demands constant attention to validate his false self image of being Mr. Perfect. Yet, even when you do supply endless amounts of attention, the narcissist may suddenly reject all of it. When the infatuation period ends and he no longer values your opinion, he may find that he has to obtain his validation (i.e., his "narcissistic supply") from someone he holds in higher esteem than you. Likewise, a sociopath may toy with you by demanding affection -- until he tires of the game. This, at least, is my understanding, Trey.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm BPD. There is silent treatment which is deliberate, manipulative and meant to punish. Then there is going 'quiet' to avoid raging at someone.
> 
> I do the latter. When my emotions get the better of me and I'm trying to self regulate I get quiet, pull away, shut down, the works. Usually only lasts a few hours. I try to communicate but sometimes I can't.


:iagree: This is me as well.

Sometimes I have to be quiet and decide if the feelings I'm having are a bpd moment or if they are feelings any other person would have if put in the same situation.It's tough to explain that every time and thankfully DH recognizes when I go quiet it isn't to punish him but merely to process and sort.


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