# 180 on Wife (Advice)



## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

After getting no where for years, I have done a 180 in my marriage over the last couple of days and have started to put myself first. I am following all of the rules but even at day 2 she can't handle it, keeps asking me what is wrong, keeps trying to argue and have a go at me, and now she has run off upstairs crying.

What do I do in this situation? I have to detach myself from this as it's taken over my life for the last few years and made me a doormat that's done everything to make her happy.

Any advice please?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Wife, I love you, but I've realized that I've kind of lost myself over the years, so I'm fixing that. I want to feel like I matter again."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I was just looking through one of your other threads (this one), and it looks like you removed some information w/ respect to red flags (you thought she might be cheating) toward the beginning of the thread...?


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

180 says not to tell her I love her as that's the problem. Telling her when our marriage is an absolute shambles just justifies the behaviour and reinforces the fact she thinks it's acceptable for me to give her love, affection, thoughtfulness, and receive nothing in return.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What is it that you're looking to accomplish w/ the 180?


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Yeah I did remove some information just because I was worried someone who knew me would see it. I'm not sure, I am either checking out of the marriage early for my own sanity, or I am trying to get the affection, respect, care, and thoughtfulness that I deserve. I'm fed up of always being the one who makes the effort, she never makes any.

So overall either A) Rediscover myself and regain my sanity from this woman B) Try and get her to do what I have wanted for years which is some god damn attention, sexual, thoughtful, just anything. She pretty much controls our sex life (and unless I instigate it never happens) and I am fed up of the rejection and feeling taken for granted, I want someone who wants me you know? If she can't want me after I do this for a few months, then that's it. 

I know it's hard to tell the whole story over here, but basically she has said she would change for the last 5 years and I am the one making the effort CONSTANTLY on our marriage, she never keeps her promises and does the things I ask, and you know what? For the first time in 10 years, I have just given up. I don't give a sh*t anymore


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Press on. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If she had no reaction to your 180 then you would know by her indifference the marriage was over. By her reaction you have seen perhaps a glimmer of hope. Stay strong and hold the course.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> Yeah I did remove some information just because I was worried someone who knew me would see it. I'm not sure, I am either checking out of the marriage early for my own sanity, or I am trying to get the affection, respect, care, and thoughtfulness that I deserve. I'm fed up of always being the one who makes the effort, she never makes any.
> 
> So overall either A) Rediscover myself and regain my sanity from this woman B) Try and get her to do what I have wanted for years which is some god damn attention, sexual, thoughtful, just anything. She pretty much controls our sex life (and unless I instigate it never happens) and I am fed up of the rejection and feeling taken for granted, I want someone who wants me you know? If she can't want me after I do this for a few months, then that's it.
> 
> I know it's hard to tell the whole story over here, but basically she has said she would change for the last 5 years and I am the one making the effort CONSTANTLY on our marriage, she never keeps her promises and does the things I ask, and you know what? For the first time in 10 years, I have just given up. I don't give a sh*t anymore


Were you ever able to establish whether or not she'd cheated, was cheating, is cheating, etc?

Also, if you're concerned w/ privacy, you could always request that one or more of your threads be moved to the Private Members' Section forum. Members w/ fewer than 30 posts aren't able to see threads in that section, and search engines aren't able to link to any of them.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I'm not sure, always had my suspicions but the pressure of it all got so much it actually made me ill, hence why I didn't return. Since then it's been a long road building myself back up, I still suspect but that's not the be all and end now, I know I have to work on myself also. I personally just can't handle all of the stress so I think withdrawing is probably the most healthy thing for me.

Is she having an affair? I don't know. Does she initiate sex with me? Hardly ever. Does that make me feel absolutely sh*t and rejected? More than anything. Have I talked to her about this? Yes for 5 years. Have I made changes? Yes worked out like crazy and looked after myself. Has that made a difference? No.

It's been a very hard couple of years, and I just want to feel like myself again now. So I am going to try this 180 for a few months and just focus on myself and my life, I am sick of living for her.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't get how a 180 is going to help your marriage. When she asks whats wrong tell her why you aren't happy, don't just ignore her. I too would be asking you what is wrong. To me a 180 is done when you are ready to end the marriage. If you thinking of doing that tell her. If your marriage does end in divorce she will blame you because you stopped communicating with her and working on the marriage, that's what I would be thinking if I were her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or else just tell her you want a trial separation because you're getting nothing from this marriage as it is, and go live apart for a while and see if you have any reason to get back together.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

I don't think you guys get it!? The communication doesn't work, it just ends is arguments. I have been trying that for 4 years. The way I see it is I have done too much for her, I am meeting all of her needs when she isn't meeting any of mine, it's time to put myself first and see whether she starts to meet my needs or not, if not then maybe it's just not meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I have tried for a very long time!

What else can I do? Talking never changes anything, and nothing seems to be working it's still me that is making the effort. A trial separation wouldn't work because she is too emotional and it would be too awkward. The only way for me to truly save my marriage, and also end any affair that may be happening is to emotionally detach myself from her, and grow my confidence myself. After a while she will hopefully realise what she is missing and it will give her time to think. If she doesn't get what she is missing then hopefully she will give it, which in turn will make me happy and not rejected and resentful.


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## Ah83 (Jun 1, 2015)

Admin,

naoitonesta is a SPAM user, if you check the posts here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search.php?searchid=41943218 you'll see a hidden finance jpg for SEO.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Ah83 said:


> So overall either A) Rediscover myself and regain my sanity from this woman B)Go out and get a beer.



There. I fixed that for you. You mistakenly said the below for B, which led me to believe you think that YOUR 180 would change HER. 180 is for you. And you're not rude to her. You treat her like a human individual with respect and courtesy. You just fix yourself and remove yourself from her emotionally. You have ZERO control over her. And even if you somehow do, the 180 has nothing to do with it.

B) "Try and get her to do what I have wanted for years which is some god damn attention, sexual, thoughtful, just anything."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ah83 said:


> A trial separation wouldn't work because she is too emotional and it would be too awkward. The only way for me to truly save my marriage, and also end any affair that may be happening is to emotionally detach myself from her, and grow my confidence myself.


Awkward for whom? That's an excuse. A trial separation allows both of you to discover who you are without the other person's influence; and then you meet up again after the growth period and see if you even still have anything in common.

What you're basically saying is that you're done being controlled and that you have decided YOU need to be the one controlling the situation. You don't want to separate because you're afraid she'll then not WANT you any more. So you're trying to control the situation.

Now, growing confidence is always a good thing (unless you go overboard - I've seen that happen), so go ahead. But detaching from her results in only one thing - detaching from her. Detaching - or 180 - is something you do for YOU, not to get her to change.

You do that...what's left to save? You have no feelings left for her.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

It's good that you finally stand for your needs and years of trying to talk about the same issues when the other person doesn't change even when she promised can be frustrating.

Maybe alternate ways of talking might help as some people might not fully get your communication style, thought it's not easy to figure out the best way to communicate.

Not being a doormat and being more confident is good, although it's better to still tell her what's happening so she can get it. Maybe when she asks what's wrong, tell her that you are disappointed with her lack of change and how your needs are not met. Continue with not being a doormat and focus on yourself, so that she can realize it's serious, but never cut out communication.


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