# A marriage based on a lie



## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

My wife has said some awful hurtful things to me and I have asked her several times what I said or did to her to make her treat me this way and she has never given me a straight answer. I only realized a little while ago I think the only reason she treats me like that is because she never loved me to start with. When we met she was living with her 3 brothers and I was just a way out of the house. I feel so betrayed and hurt because I loved her so much and to find out she never ever cared about me? I would really love some advice in what to do?


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

What makes you think it was all based on a lie?

Many of us here have dealt with partners that, for one reason or another, pretend to be somebody they're not. It's surprisingly common, though inherently unfair and wrong. I believe my own (STBX) wife pretended to be something she thought I wanted.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

How many other relationships did you have before you met her ?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> My wife has said some awful hurtful things to me and I have asked her several times what I said or did to her to make her treat me this way and she has never given me a straight answer. I only realized a little while ago I think the only reason she treats me like that is because she never loved me to start with. When we met she was living with her 3 brothers and I was just a way out of the house. I feel so betrayed and hurt because I loved her so much and to find out she never ever cared about me? I would really love some advice in what to do?


Lots of questions come to mind.

How did you come to the conclusion she has never loved you? Was that part of the hurtful things she said? 
Any kids and how long have you been married?
Any signs of cheating, like texting a lot, hiding phone, unexplained time out, etc.?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

How's your sex life? If she doesn't love you, that's the first place to look.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Lots of questions come to mind.
> 
> How did you come to the conclusion she has never loved you? Was that part of the hurtful things she said?
> Any kids and how long have you been married?
> Any signs of cheating, like texting a lot, hiding phone, unexplained time out, etc.?


Thank you so very much for getting back to me. No she has never came out and said she never loved me. I have 2 kids (all grown up now) and I have been married for 33 years now. I really don't think she is cheating on me but I know she was going with this guy before I met her and he broke up with her and I don't know if she ever got over that? It's the things she has said to me that has cast my doubts on her loving me, hurtful things like telling me I was no good and she didn't want anything else to do with me sexually. She has also said things like that I am not a very good father but I love my kids and would give my life for them. She has made it a point of saying that to me in front of my children as if to score points with them. I have worked most of my life until I became disabled 11 or 12 years ago and even then I was getting a good disability pension to support our family. I can say hurtful things too when I get mad but not to attack her character and say she was no good. I am really frustrated and don't know what to do? Thank you once again for listening to me, it means a lot to me.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

FS8 said:


> What makes you think it was all based on a lie?
> 
> Many of us here have dealt with partners that, for one reason or another, pretend to be somebody they're not. It's surprisingly common, though inherently unfair and wrong. I believe my own (STBX) wife pretended to be something she thought I wanted.


No it is because of the hurtful things she said to me. I am only going on what I would say or do and I would be never able to say the hurtful things to her like she said to me.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> No it is because of the hurtful things she said to me. I am only going on what I would say or do and I would be never able to say the hurtful things to her like she said to me.


Thank you very much for your input


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> How many other relationships did you have before you met her ?


Only 2 or 3


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you two ever done counseling together?


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> No it is because of the hurtful things she said to me. I am only going on what I would say or do and I would be never able to say the hurtful things to her like she said to me.


Hurtful how? 

From my own experiences, both recent and not, there is a world of difference between hurtful things said by a person who lacks empathy and a person who is just angry and lashing out.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Have you two ever done counseling together?


No because I don't even know if she knows there is a problem. She has said those hurtful things and I get angry with her and a couple of days after she is talking like nothing was ever spoken between us. I in the meantime can not forget what she said to me even though this was 2 years ago she said that to me. I can't seem to get it out of my head what she said and she acts like it was nothing.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well tell her how you feel! Dang!


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

FS8 said:


> Hurtful how?
> 
> From my own experiences, both recent and not, there is a world of difference between hurtful things said by a person who lacks empathy and a person who is just angry and lashing out.


I understand where you are coming from and have said some hurtful thins to people so I usually try to walk away when I get in an argument now till I cool off. This woman has attacked me on many occasions many times when we were not even arguing telling me I wasn't any good as a father. It's like she is always looking for the worst in me. Thanks for your comment.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Well tell her how you feel! Dang!


I have told her many a time how hurtful it is but always with the same result as if nothing had happened. I am thinking of staying away for a couple of nights now to see if she will take me serious then?


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> How's your sex life? If she doesn't love you, that's the first place to look.


My sex life is non existant anymore. She has always told me she doesn't like sex and I on the other hand love sex. I think she is only happy now that I don't pursue her. I have tried to have sex with her but when I go to her now I lose all interest. I do still love her though (yeah I know I'm a fool) and recently went to her and I had oral sex with her and made her orgasm. She did not care that I had gotten no pleasure out of it at all and never even said as much as thank you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did you marry her while she was still in school?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

How long ago did she start saying the hurtful things?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> No because I don't even know if she knows there is a problem. She has said those hurtful things and I get angry with her and a couple of days after she is talking like nothing was ever spoken between us. I in the meantime can not forget what she said to me even though this was 2 years ago she said that to me. I can't seem to get it out of my head what she said and she acts like it was nothing.


Obviously she can't be happy. And you've told her the unkind things she says hurt, but she brushes it off. 

I think you have two options. Ask her to go to counseling with you. If she says no, it may take separating to make her realize how serious you are.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Did you marry her while she was still in school?


No she was 22 and I was 27


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> My wife has said some awful hurtful things to me and I have asked her several times what I said or did to her to make her treat me this way and she has never given me a straight answer. I only realized a little while ago I think the only reason she treats me like that is because she never loved me to start with. When we met she was living with her 3 brothers and I was just a way out of the house. I feel so betrayed and hurt because I loved her so much and to find out she never ever cared about me? I would really love some advice in what to do?


I think you're sitting in the victim chair. I don't know that therapy would help, to be honest. 

File for divorce.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Quad73 said:


> How long ago did she start saying the hurtful things?


She started saying all those hateful things things just about a year after our marriage and after our first child was born. Please don't say I am jealous of our kid because that's not the case. I love my 2 kids very very much.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think you're sitting in the victim chair. I don't know that therapy would help, to be honest.
> 
> File for divorce.


Thank you very much for getting back to me. I really don't think therapy is going to help me either, there's been too much water under the bridge between us now and I really don't have any feelings for her now even though I loved her so much


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Have you two ever done counseling together?


No we haven't.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> Thank you very much for getting back to me. I really don't think therapy is going to help me either, there's been too much water under the bridge between us now and I really don't have any feelings for her now even though I loved her so much


My two cents, worth what you paid for it, is to not waste any more of your time or hers. You sound hurt and angry, and I bet she sounds the same way. That you're to the point where you feel like your whole marriage is a lie is hard to come back from.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, 
If the kids are grown, and there's this much disconnect, what is better for you in the future? More of the same or a better life apart?


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My two cents, worth what you paid for it, is to not waste any more of your time or hers. You sound hurt and angry, and I bet she sounds the same way. That you're to the point where you feel like your whole marriage is a lie is hard to come back from.


Yes it is and I can't seem to forget it.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP,
> If the kids are grown, and there's this much disconnect, what is better for you in the future? More of the same or a better life apart?


I am thinking maybe a better life apart


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Obviously she can't be happy. And you've told her the unkind things she says hurt, but she brushes it off.
> 
> I think you have two options. Ask her to go to counseling with you. If she says no, it may take separating to make her realize how serious you are.
> [/QUOTE Thank you for getting back to me, I am thinking of separation but I am now on old age security and I am having a hard time managing my money


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> She started saying all those hateful things things just about a year after our marriage and after our first child was born. Please don't say I am jealous of our kid because that's not the case. I love my 2 kids very very much.


Holy cow and you have stayed for another 30+ years!!! Abuse is abuse, be it physical or mental and you have 30+ years of it. Wow.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What reasons does she cite for you being a bad father? Do you not fold their clothes the way she showed you before you put them in the drawer, or does she come home from working an 8 hour shift and their diapers are overflowing because they haven't been changed since she left and they haven't been fed all day because you were spanking to porn all day? 

What are her reasons for saying you are a bad father?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If you really believe your wife doesn't love you why would you stay?


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Holy cow and you have stayed for another 30+ years!!! Abuse is abuse, be it physical or mental and you have 30+ years of it. Wow.


Because when we got married first I was working a lot so I wasn't home as much and never had to listen to it as much. Besides that she would only make a remark like that every now and again but has been much more frequent in the last few years


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> What reasons does she cite for you being a bad father? Do you not fold their clothes the way she showed you before you put them in the drawer, or does she come home from working an 8 hour shift and their diapers are overflowing because they haven't been changed since she left and they haven't been fed all day because you were spanking to porn all day?
> 
> What are her reasons for saying you are a bad father?


No my wife has never worked while she was with me. I have made very good money while she was with me and she had always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I was okay with that. I don't know why she said I was a bad father. This was mostly when my kids were younger and she usually only said this to me in front of the children and I really think that was a ploy on her part just to draw them over to her side in case we separated or something.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> If you really believe your wife doesn't love you why would you stay?


I am still really not sure if she loved me or not, it's just that when I asked her what I did to her that she could say all those awful things to me she would not tell me. I have been racking my brain ever since I spoke to her about it (which was a few times now) and tried to think of what I had said or done to her to warrant such bad treatment to me and I can't come up with anything. I have tried helping her out with things she needs help with and she just snaps at me. All of those things combined with me remembering she was very adamant about getting out of her house when we were dating and I came to the conclusion that she never ever loved me. I stay because I am on old age security now and cannot afford to leave. If I was to get a divorce now it would cost a lot of money. Money that I don't have.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> No my wife has never worked while she was with me. I have made very good money while she was with me and she had always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I was okay with that. I don't know why she said I was a bad father. This was mostly when my kids were younger and she usually only said this to me in front of the children and I really think that was a ploy on her part just to draw them over to her side in case we separated or something.


I'm not asking for what you think or for your guess as to why she says that. I want to know what rational she has given you for why she says you are a bad father. 

You're asking us to believe that for roughly 32 years she has said you were a bad father in front of the children but yet has not given you any indication why she thinks you are a bad father and you have not called her out on that or put her feet to the fire to explain her rational for calling you that?? Does that seem logical?? 

Most of us here have children and have raised families. Child rearing is not an alien concept to most of us here. If my wife were to tell the children I was a bad father.... well let's just say, she would be most strongly encouraged to provide every minute detail of what made her come to that conclusion and she would additionally be discouraged from making such a statement again without proof of serious safety, health or life threatening acts or omissions on my part. 

You aren't making any sense here and you are not providing any useful answers to the questions you are being posed by people who are trying to help you. 

So let me ask again and this time try to provide an honest, unfiltered and unedited answer - What rational did your wife give for saying you are a bad father?

I'm giving you a chance to state your case and defend yourself here. If I ask what your wife's rational for saying you are a bad father is,, and you skirt around that question and do not answer it, it makes me at least wonder if your wife may have been justified in her accusations. 

And if you say that she never said why she made those accusations, then you are either lying, or you were negligent and derelict in your duties as a father to find out why she was accusing you of such. 

So here's your opportunity to state your case and defend yourself - Why did she say you were a bad father? 

So let's try again and this time


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> n I asked her what I did to her that she could say all those awful things to me she would not tell me. I have been racking my brain ever since I spoke to her about it (which was a few times now) and tried to think of what I had said or done to her to warrant such bad treatment to me and I can't come up with anything.


That's because she is re-writing your history to make HER look better. It's all YOUR fault, but can't give examples....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Have you spoken to an attorney about the cost of divorce or are you assuming?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> No my wife has never worked while she was with me. I have made very good money while she was with me and she had always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I was okay with that. I don't know why she said I was a bad father. This was mostly when my kids were younger and she usually only said this to me in front of the children and I really think that was a ploy on her part just to draw them over to her side in case we separated or something.


Ugh, I’m sorry. So you’re a wallet. And apparently a punching bag. You don’t have much time left on the earth, do you really want to spend it this way? If you don’t have much she can’t take much. Please talk to a lawyer.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not asking for what you think or for your guess as to why she says that. I want to know what rational she has given you for why she says you are a bad father.
> 
> You're asking us to believe that for roughly 32 years she has said you were a bad father in front of the children but yet has not given you any indication why she thinks you are a bad father and you have not called her out on that or put her feet to the fire to explain her rational for calling you that?? Does that seem logical??
> 
> ...


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> That's because she is re-writing your history to make HER look better. It's all YOUR fault, but can't give examples....


You seem exactly right in what you are saying there. I have often told her that if I stepped in front of her and took a bullet for her, it still wouldn't be enough for her and I really mean that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don't know whether your marriage was based on any lies or not and no one can say whether your wife loves you or ever loved or not. 

Love is an emotion and emotions come and go and can wax and wane throughout the day. No one can say what her emotions towards you are. 

That being said, she does sound like kind of a jerk and that she at times did not treat you very well. 

But to be fair, you sound very weak and passive and whiny and don't have very good boundaries. 

IMHO accusing someone of being a bad parent and especially telling the kids someone is a parent is a very serious accusation for which a simple, "why did you say that?" is not a sufficient response. 

I do not pretend to be Wonder Dad or anything but if my wife ever accused me of being a bad father, There would be a full stop to everything taking place and kids would get sent to their room and all TVs and electronics would be shut off and there would be sit down, face-to-face, come to Jesus moment and if there was not a sufficient and valid reason presented for discussing and corrective action, the next discussion would be in a marriage counselor's office and I am willing to bet that most of the parents on this forum would respond similarly. 

Your wife may be an ass. But your passivity and lack of boundaries and holding her accountable for her words and actions enabled her to treat you in this manner for 32 years. 

Now your kids are currently grown and you two are full grown adults. Whether you want to remain with her or pack your stuff and move out is up to you. It's your choice and your perogative either way. 

But while you are finger pointing at her, you need to stop and acknowledge the fingers pointed back at yourself.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

There are people who can say horrible things when they are angry or upset. They do not mean it mostly. So you need to realize if it is something she really means or she said this when she was angry.

It is hard though not impossible to live with a man for 33 years and have two kids with him and never love him. It might be possible and more likely though she did love you but no longer loves you.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I don't know whether your marriage was based on any lies or not and no one can say whether your wife loves you or ever loved or not.
> 
> Love is an emotion and emotions come and go and can wax and wane throughout the day. No one can say what her emotions towards you are.
> 
> ...


 I am not saying that I am not weak and yes probably I am but I did love this woman very much one time and yes maybe I was a fool for not saying more then I did but I had to think of my kids when they were growing up and I was sensitive to their feelings because they hated for to hear me and their mother arguing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> I am not saying that I am not weak and yes probably I am but I did love this woman very much one time and yes maybe I was a fool for not saying more then I did but I had to think of my kids when they were growing up and I was sensitive to their feelings because they hated for to hear me and their mother arguing.


But there's fighting and hostility and open contentuousness. 

And there is discussion and problem solving. 

How are kids to learn discussion and problem solving and boundary setting and standing up for oneself if they do not see their parents do it? 

Kids are no excuse for tolerating mistreatment. Don't blame them for your lack of boundaries. If there is a discussion that needs to be had out of their earshot, they go to sleep at some point.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If it was all based on a lie, your marriage would not have lasted 33 months, let alone 33 years. Banish the thought that it was all based on a lie. You are guess & you are making yourself crazy.

In a calmer setting, ask her about the hurtful things she said. Ask why she said them & did she really mean them. Open up to her & let her know that her words really hurt you. Work together to get past this & work your way back to each other.

It sounds like in the beginning she was begging for more attention from you but you were focused on achieving financial security for your family. There is nothing wrong with working a lot to provide for your stay at home wife & children but there was an emotional price you didn't see. Her saying you were a bad father was based on her desire for time with you. She never thought you gave her enough time. You offered her money & financial security but she wanted quality time. Have you ever asked her what she wants in your marriage? What makes her happy? 

The lack of sex can be a marriage killer. That may need MC to address especially after all these years. She has concluded that you don't love her because your love for her was mot expressed in the way she wanted. She refused to see / hear how you were expressing that love in your own way. But because she didn't feel loved the way she wanted it expressed, sex wasn't fulfilling because she never felt connected. It just felt empty / bad to her & she stopped participating. There's a whole lot to unpack here. She may not be aware of it. You're resentful because here you were trying, & trying but not understanding why it wasn't good enough because she never told you. This isn't going to be resolved quickly or through advice on a message board.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> If it was all based on a lie, your marriage would not have lasted 33 months, let alone 33 years. Banish the thought that it was all based on a lie. You are guess & you are making yourself crazy.
> 
> In a calmer setting, ask her about the hurtful things she said. Ask why she said them & did she really mean them. Open up to her & let her know that her words really hurt you. Work together to get past this & work your way back to each other.
> 
> ...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> I understand where you are coming from and have said some hurtful thins to people so I usually try to walk away when I get in an argument now till I cool off. This woman has attacked me on many occasions many times when we were not even arguing telling me I wasn't any good as a father. It's like she is always looking for the worst in me. Thanks for your comment.


Do you understand that "hurtful words" can only hurt you, if you allow them to?

You can learn (it is difficult) to not become angered when someone tries to pick a verbal fight with you. 

One of the hardest lessons, I learned in saving my sex starved marriage is that it takes two to fight. Yes, after almost 40 years, my wife knew all my "hot buttons" and could trigger an anger response in me with ease. After a while I learned that when she said something that triggered me, I could take a deep breath, look her in the eyes and ask why she said such a hurtful thing without getting angry at her. I had to realize that she was a flawed human being and that instead of getting angry and giving her the verbal fight she wanted, I could choose to be calm and ask her why she was saying the things she did.

The first time, I did this, she looked at me in a stunned way and said she didn't know why, apologized and she pretended nothing happened. Ultimately, she learned that she could no longer provoke me, so she gave up on it.

You might want to suggest some marriage counseling for the two of you to find out why she does what she does. I would bet that there is a reason.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> Thank you very much for getting back to me. *I really don't think therapy is going to help me either, there's been too much water under the bridge between us now* and *I really don't have any feelings for her now* even though I loved her so much





Dupedfromthestart said:


> *I am thinking maybe a better life apart*





Dupedfromthestart said:


> I am still really not sure if she loved me or not, it's just that when I asked her what I did to her that she could say all those awful things to me she would not tell me. *I have been racking my brain ever since I spoke to her about it *(which was a few times now) and tried to think of what I had *said or done to her to warrant such bad treatment to me* and I can't come up with anything. I have tried helping her out with things she needs help with and she just snaps at me. All of those things combined with me remembering she was very adamant about getting out of her house when we were dating and I came to the conclusion that she never ever loved me. *I stay because I am on old age security now and cannot afford to leave*. If I was to get a divorce now it would cost a lot of money. Money that I don't have.


You are over-thinking things and living in the past. Sit down with her and ask if the two of you should continue to live together as husband and wife. Tell her you are concerned about finances if the two of you divorce. See what she has to say.

She may be trying to sabotage the marriage by what she is saying so that you will leave her or so that you will do something rash that she can use to force a divorce. If that is her goal you are better out finding out sooner rather than later.

Good luck. It sounds to me like the marriage is over in your mind at least, so you might as well have the courts recognize that the marriage is over.

P.S. you know that after 3 decades of marriage, your wife can read your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice. Whether or not you have spoken the words or not, she knows that you no longer are in love with her and are thinking of leaving. As a stay at home mom, this would make any woman in her situation absolutely furious to have had her youth stolen by you. Maybe, you should apologize to her at some point for your feelings that she knows from your non-verbally telling her how you feel.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Do you understand that "hurtful words" can only hurt you, if you allow them to?
> 
> You can learn (it is difficult) to not become angered when someone tries to pick a verbal fight with you.
> 
> ...


Thank you so very much for the info, it means a lot to me for all the comments.


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## Dupedfromthestart (5 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Have you two ever done counseling together?


No because I know her well enough that she will never ever go to counseling, furthermore I don't even know if she knows there is a problem. When I try to talk to her about it she blames me more then anything but I usually only get angry when she starts it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What kind of hurtful things have you said to her?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is going to be painful to hear.
.......................................................

I believe she did, at least, _like you_ in the beginning.

Once, you became disabled if became easier, not to.

No, you did not become a financial burden (by being disabled)
To her, you became a mental burden.
She feels trapped.

Your wife sounds like she is only interested in what you provide for her, nothing else.

She treats you poorly, and talks to you badly, because she resents you, and has no use for you.
She is unhappy in life and has no incentive to appear 'nice'.

She does not find you attractive.
That is why she does not engage in sex with you.

She may not consciously know it, but she is trying to drive you away.

Her sex drive is probably normal, she is interested in intimacy, just not with you.

Does she masturbate, does she read steamy novels, or watch those heady and sex filled shows on cable TV?

Does she have_ girls night out _activities?

Does she have toxic girlfriends (or relatives) that are damaging your marriage?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Talk about your disability so that we can get a better handle on your situation, and then give more appropriate advice.

We are internet strangers, no one here knows you.
We have heard it all.

All, I reiterate.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> My wife has said some awful hurtful things to me and I have asked her several times what I said or did to her to make her treat me this way and she has never given me a straight answer. I only realized a little while ago I think the only reason she treats me like that is because she never loved me to start with. When we met she was living with her 3 brothers and I was just a way out of the house. I feel so betrayed and hurt because I loved her so much and to find out she never ever cared about me? I would really love some advice in what to do?


You loving her doesn’t mean she loves you. You can’t fix that. There is no magic fix that you are obviously looking for.
It’s not uncommon for people to get into the “l lover her so she has to love me too” hopium addiction.
Her actions tell you what you need to know. Too many can’t make a decision so they keep themselves bound.
Until you wake up to reality and deal effectively with this you’ll only get more of the same.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some marry for practical reasons that have nothing to do with love. Only she knows what her real motive was.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

It is easier for women to get guys than it is for men to get women. After all sex is a strategy used by them to manipulate men and most men helplessly get attracted to them, thanks to their natural instinct and investment by the women on her body (in form of makeup, lovey dovey talk and sexy outfits).
Men never get it easily. If they want to have sex or receive intimacy from women, they will have to give a lot. money, financial support, a home, a house, peace of mind and liberty. . What does the woman have to give? Only consent in most cases.
Once a husband reaches middle or old age or has health or financial issues or the couple have assets tied to each other, then it becomes extremely difficult to find other women and make a fresh start if trapped in a loveless marriage.
Many wives realise this and later on it can become a bait and switch.
In many cases the husband`s only other option is to leave and be alone or continue on as the long and suffering.
I have witnessed this many times with some male family members and friends. This I`m afraid is the bottom line.
As regards is marriage a lie, not exactly a lie but rather it`s becoming worthless, because now that many western countries are implementing no fault divorce policies, whereas a partner can simply just abandon a marriage meaning the contract of marriage and a marriage certificate is not worth the paper it`s printed on.
As I`ve said many times on these forums, if I were young and single again, as a guy I`d never get married today.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> Thank you so very much for getting back to me. No she has never came out and said she never loved me. I have 2 kids (all grown up now) and I have been married for 33 years now. I really don't think she is cheating on me but I know she was going with this guy before I met her and he broke up with her and I don't know if she ever got over that? It's the things she has said to me that has cast my doubts on her loving me, hurtful things like telling me I was no good and she didn't want anything else to do with me sexually. She has also said things like that I am not a very good father but I love my kids and would give my life for them. She has made it a point of saying that to me in front of my children as if to score points with them. I have worked most of my life until I became disabled 11 or 12 years ago and even then I was getting a good disability pension to support our family. I can say hurtful things too when I get mad but not to attack her character and say she was no good. I am really frustrated and don't know what to do? Thank you once again for listening to me, it means a lot to me.


Divorce.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

gameopoly5 said:


> It is easier for women to get guys than it is for men to get women. After all sex is a strategy used by them to manipulate men and most men helplessly get attracted to them, thanks to their natural instinct and investment by the women on her body (in form of makeup, lovey dovey talk and sexy outfits).
> Men never get it easily. If they want to have sex or receive intimacy from women, they will have to give a lot. money, financial support, a home, a house, peace of mind and liberty. . What does the woman have to give? Only consent in most cases.
> Once a husband reaches middle or old age or has health or financial issues or the couple have assets tied to each other, then it becomes extremely difficult to find other women and make a fresh start if trapped in a loveless marriage.
> Many wives realise this and later on it can become a bait and switch.
> ...


Anyone who regularly reads my posts will know that I'm not one of what you would label "feminist" types, and it turns out I usually post responses in support the males who want help with issues. 

However, this is a disgustingly sexist and skewed view and it make me say, yuck. 

Helplessly attracted? Because of makeup, sexy outfits and lovey dovey talk? I can't breathe for laughing. If a man is _helplessly_ attracted because of those things he's a mindless, weak simpleton indeed. Don't blame makeup and outfits 🤣 blame the man's own character. 

What century are you from? An intelligent man chooses a woman who works and provides towards the joint finances as much as he does. They buy a house TOGETHER and finance their life together. 

If a man chooses a woman he has to provide everything in life for then he chose very poorly and it's nobody's fault but his.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dupedfromthestart said:


> My sex life is non existant anymore. She has always told me she doesn't like sex and I on the other hand love sex. I think she is only happy now that I don't pursue her. I have tried to have sex with her but when I go to her now I lose all interest. I do still love her though (yeah I know I'm a fool) and recently went to her and I had oral sex with her and made her orgasm. She did not care that I had gotten no pleasure out of it at all and never even said as much as thank you.


Yeah you’re acting very foolish and are only staying because it’s more comfortable than divorcing and upsetting your life.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> It is easier for women to get guys than it is for men to get women. After all sex is a strategy used by them to manipulate men and most men helplessly get attracted to them, thanks to their natural instinct and investment by the women on her body (in form of makeup, lovey dovey talk and sexy outfits).
> Men never get it easily. If they want to have sex or receive intimacy from women, they will have to give a lot. money, financial support, a home, a house, peace of mind and liberty. . What does the woman have to give? Only consent in most cases.
> Once a husband reaches middle or old age or has health or financial issues or the couple have assets tied to each other, then it becomes extremely difficult to find other women and make a fresh start if trapped in a loveless marriage.
> Many wives realise this and later on it can become a bait and switch.
> ...


I don’t believe this to be 100% true. My STBXCH is getting hit on everywhere he goes. In early December, he wandered (uninvited) into a women’s profession office party in a booked room at a restaurant, where he was invited to stay and then collected several phone numbers—many of the women contacted him trying to date him within that week. (He has been honest with everyone he encounters—telling them that he cheated, had a one night stand, and his wife left him. These desperate women do not even bat an eye. No one cares! Having been married for 27 years must signal that at least he isn’t afraid of commitment.) There are also many women interested in him at his workplace. 

I have not tested the waters at all myself, however, so I do not know what the dating world might look like for women or me specifically. I am not interested and am actually _quite a bit afraid_. I was never once in the dating world to begin with. We were high school sweethearts, so I will probably just become a hermit and die alone. That sounds way less scary that trying to date someone with my lack of dating experience and embarrass myself. Or maybe I’ll just hang out with my girlfriends from now on instead. Eventually I will probably be lonely, but right now, I am not anywhere near ready for a relationship.


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