# Marriage in trouble... please help!!



## gr8 (Oct 12, 2009)

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years but have been together for 11 years... we have 2 kids. This past year has been very difficult and we're now having issues... The issues stem from my lack of trust or moreless my insecurities. She's never done anything to this point to make me feel I should lose trust... or validates how I'm feeling. It's just that I get these feelings when I'm drunk and I see her talking to other guys. This past weekend we were at a party and she was talking to her best friend's boyfriend... they were alone talking and I felt neglected by her. And that angered me. So I sent her a text basically calling her out about having feelings for another guy and she got really upset. She said they were talking about the relationship issues that her best friend and he were having... apparently we're all having issues..... so she was, in a way, trying to help their relationship out by listening and giving her input. But from my perspective, her body language was saying something different. It seemed pretty obvious to me, at the time, that she was really into him. I know this is all my doing, all my fault... as I can't explain these paranoia thoughts... I love my family and don't want to lose my wife. She's been going thru issues of her own and I just threw some more crap on for her to have to deal with. We haven't said much to each other in the past couple of days. She feels being away from each other will do us some good. I want to know if any one else has gone thru this and if so what advice would you give me? And is this at all a normal feeling to get? Thanks for any help!
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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

If she has never done anything to make you distrust her, then why do you? You are going to push her away and then you will be throwing away a otherwise perfect marraige on your unfounded insecurities. Have you ever cheated on her? Why the trust issue?


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Have you been burned by other women before?


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

'I get these feelings when I'm drunk and I see her talking to other guys.'

Don't get drunk. (when you get drunk you loose control over yourself a bit/relax, and stuff you tend to repress surfaces...) Also, when you are gealous you'll see what you want to see. Trust me on this one. When people talk, even though they might not like eachother imensely, they make eye contact, use their hands to explain,..that can easily be mistaken from something else, specially since, when you get jealous you have this feeling of 'oh, i know i'm right'...

Anyway, why are you feeling so insecure lately? Don't you feel good enough for her? Did a previous girlfriend cheat on you? Did you cheat on your wife?

I've been where you are (and i still am) but for me it's because of lack of sex from his part.


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## gr8 (Oct 12, 2009)

Thanks for all the great advice everyone... no, I haven't cheated or been cheated on in the past... I feel horrible now that I've hurt her so much... what can I do to reconnect with her again? She's giving me the silent treatment.... and I know I deserve it. I just wish I can take everything back. I literally couldn't sleep last night... :-(


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## Recovered (Oct 8, 2009)

gr8, from my own experience you have to realize that those feelings tend to come from something inside of us...not because of anything the other person is doing. I struggled for many years feeling "Not Good Enough" and "Unwanted" and this internal voice colored every interaction with my wife for a long time. 

When she would try to build me up and show me love and make me feel good....I didn't see it because it didn't match up with that internal voice that I had going on. 

When I would act on that internal voice (like you did), it would make her angry and resentful and I would use that anger and resentment as a reinforcement for how I really felt about myself. It became a vicious self-feeding cycle and nearly destroyed everything. 

PS - It was 100x worse if I had been drinking.

My suggestion? Some therapy to address those issues. Even if she had been flirting with this other guy....that voice and those thoughts and those feelings were already there. Deal with them and the rest has a way of taking care of itself.


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## gr8 (Oct 12, 2009)

Recovered said:


> gr8, from my own experience you have to realize that those feelings tend to come from something inside of us...not because of anything the other person is doing. I struggled for many years feeling "Not Good Enough" and "Unwanted" and this internal voice colored every interaction with my wife for a long time.
> 
> When she would try to build me up and show me love and make me feel good....I didn't see it because it didn't match up with that internal voice that I had going on.
> 
> ...


Thanks Recovered! That makes a lot of sense. I've always tried to tell myself that I can only control what I can control... I can't control how others feel or what they do... so the best I can do is try to improve myself and be the best person I possibly can be. I know now I'm the biggest hypocrite! It has been a vicious cycle of sorts... my first step is to quit drinking... I don't drink everyday, more of a social drinker... but a lot of times when I do drink I'm drinking to get wasted rather than just to have fun or to relax... that's when I lose control of myself and make regretful decisions. I've brought this on myself and I'll fix it! I know what I must do. Thanks to all you great people!!
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