# When I feel like she's not trying...



## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

I've made too many mistakes with the way I've handled my wife's affair to feel comfortable posting all the details. I really need (at this point) to know if I would know if she was really trying to save our marriage.

We've been married 6 years in June. She has had an EA for 2+ of those years, culminating in an 8 month PA that ended in November. Since then, I haven't felt desired for many reasons beyond my adept abilities to parent our children, complete housework, and give her massages. She says she loves me, but is in love with OM. I want commitment. I feel like she's just fence-sitting with her "I don't know what I want"-s and cold conversation. 

If she was REALLY trying, I'd know...right?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, this just made me so sad.

Yeah, I think you would. I also think that if she's still openly telling you that she's in love with the OM, your marriage is toast. Sorry. I don't know why you are hanging around.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sorry, but it's time for you to walk away from your marriage. A woman who is in love with an OM (are you really certain the affair is over?), is not a woman who will put in any effort to reconcile.

She has checked out of your marriage and is wishing she could be with OM. That's why she's cold. The "I don't knwo what I want" is bullsh*t, and she's saying it only because OM hasn't committed to being with her (yet). Or she's not sure how she'd end up financially in a divorce. Or maybe she's not sure about the kids. Right now, she's using you until she figures out her next move.

Consult an attorney if you haven't already. Get all your ducks in a row, understand your rights, and then kick her out. Have her served with divorce papers. 

And stop giving her freaking massages. Find your anger - that will serve you better right now than begging for her love.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You realize you're just the babysitter, right? She cheated, rubs her affair in your face, tells you openly that she loves the OM....then you're giving her massages?










No wonder you feel she's not trying, because she isn't. You're the back up plan, the provider, the second stringer. You're in an open marriage. Youre NOT in R. 

You're living in the hell of limbo because of your inaction. Do something about it!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

abuginarug said:


> I've made too many mistakes with the way I've handled my wife's affair to feel comfortable posting all the details. I really need (at this point) to know if I would know if she was really trying to save our marriage.
> 
> We've been married 6 years in June. She has had an EA for 2+ of those years, culminating in an 8 month PA that ended in November. Since then, I haven't felt desired for many reasons beyond my adept abilities to parent our children, complete housework, and give her massages. She says she loves me, but is in love with OM. I want commitment. I feel like she's just fence-sitting with her "I don't know what I want"-s and cold conversation.
> 
> If she was REALLY trying, I'd know...right?


If she was trying she would have already forgotten about the OM and wouldn't be admitting to the fact that she still loves him.
Cold conversation is another sign for sure.

How's your sex life?
Is she that cold during the whole day or there are moments when she's her real self? 
Are you the only one who does the cooking? Takes care of children? What does she do on the other hand ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she is still saying she is in love with the OM, then it's not about her trying, it's is entirely about her having left the marriage. She can't be in love with another man and still be a good wife to you.

And you shouldn't accept bring treated like a second choice by her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She quite possibly is still in the affair, just underground.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

It sounds like you need one last ditch "try." 

First, how do you know she isn't still in contact with the OM? Give us very specific details. Not, "she told me so" or "I can tell by the way she looks when I ask." Concrete evidence--let us know what that is.


Assuming she is truly not in contact with her AP, which is a VERY big "if" given that she's still in love with him--read 

No More Mr. Nice Guy and 

Married Man Sex Life

these books will guide you out of being a doormat and gaining some self-respect, which in turn just might be attractive enough to win your wife back.

Then report back to see if there's any improvement.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> How's your sex life?


We have had sex once since October.


lovelygirl said:


> Is she that cold during the whole day or there are moments when she's her real self?


She's cold when he's on her mind. I can always tell. We have warm moments, but they are almost always directly followed by one of us stiffening up.


lovelygirl said:


> Are you the only one who does the cooking?


 Yep (<95%)


lovelygirl said:


> Takes care of children?


 Yep (<95%)


lovelygirl said:


> What does she do on the other hand ?


 She usually keeps herself busy outside the house as often as she can. She does very little around the house.

It's a bleak picture. I don't like this perspective on it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This can't be real. On the off chance that you are a real poster and you don't actually want to be the cuckold that you appear to be, please go back and read LordMayhem's post. Unbelievable.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Women are seldom attracted to men they can step on. She has done this and you wonder why she doesn't see you as a man? I'm afraid that, as it stands now, your marriage is nothing but a sham.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> It sounds like you need one last ditch "try."


I honestly don't know if I have one more "try" left in me at this point.


iheartlife said:


> First, how do you know she isn't still in contact with the OM? Give us very specific details. Not, "she told me so" or "I can tell by the way she looks when I ask." Concrete evidence--let us know what that is.


I used to look at her phone & phone records, I checked her facebook, I would check her non-work email. She complained that she felt violated, and I realized that if I can't trust her there's no point in this marriage.

And she still sees him at her place of employment. He is on a committee there, and is involved with some volunteer work related to her job. She is the bigger earner in our marriage, and I've just recently been downsized. So.



iheartlife said:


> Assuming she is truly not in contact with her AP, which is a VERY big "if" given that she's still in love with him--read
> 
> No More Mr. Nice Guy and
> 
> ...


The books look interesting. Maybe they'll be good later this year when I may be in a position to date again.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This can't be real. On the off chance that you are a real poster and you don't actually want to be the cuckold that you appear to be, please go back and read LordMayhem's post. Unbelievable.


This life is sad, and far too real to me. I have no cuckold interests, but I am a loyal friend and father. 

Keep working on you. I'll keep working on me. Thanks.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You say she's always busy outside the house,so chances are the affair never stopped.Time to stand up friend.Stay or go,but don't put up with anymore b.s.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She's in love with the OM, spends most of her time outside the house... not sure what your question is. How to become a better cuckold or how to accept an open marriage?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

keko said:


> She's in love with the OM, spends most of her time outside the house... not sure what your question is. How to become a better cuckold or how to accept an open marriage?


This .


She's been walking all over you and I think she had it the easy way.
Seeing that you do everything in the house and she barely is in there then the affair might still be going on.
It's not easy getting out of a 2 year affair.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Have you done any of the reconciliation stuff at all? Made her write a NC letter? Exposed to the OMW? Expose to his workplace? Expose to her family? Women respect men who take control of the situation and set it straight. But you don't sound like you're taking control of anything. You say you're not a cuckhold. Perhaps you actually believe that. Maybe you're just whipped. So if you're not....then what are you going to do to stop this all from happening. When she says she's in love with another man do you just sit there and cry? Beg her to love you? Are you afraid you can't make it without her income?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

So, she tells you she's "not IN love with you"?
Once she told you this, you should have apologized to her
for being so crass as to stand in the way of not only her happiness, but her "bull's" happiness as well.
Perhaps you should consider taking a 2nd mortgage out on your half of the home you have provided her and help them get a new start in life?:crazy:


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

Maybe some of you realize this, others obviously don't: in something you're totally committed to, you can lose yourself. I have.

I had an identity. I had a wife. I have 2 children and a life that is financially and emotionally entangled with a woman that has been my best friend for 12 of my 30 years on this Earth. 

I thought I was doing things that would make it easier on all of us. Like I said in my original post, I've made so many mistakes that I don't feel comfortable posting the whole story.

On a more positive note, keko, I have neither of those questions. You seem to have missed the OP...


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Have you done any of the reconciliation stuff at all? Made her write a NC letter? Exposed to the OMW? Expose to his workplace? Expose to her family? Women respect men who take control of the situation and set it straight. But you don't sound like you're taking control of anything. You say you're not a cuckhold. Perhaps you actually believe that. Maybe you're just whipped. So if you're not....then what are you going to do to stop this all from happening. When she says she's in love with another man do you just sit there and cry? Beg her to love you? Are you afraid you can't make it without her income?


I don't know what a NC letter is? I told our parents. He's not married, he's divorced, so I went to his house and had a "chat" with him. He's a lying manipulative piece of trash. He's also twice my wife's age.

I have never, ever begged her for love or for her to stay.

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of her mistake haunting her for the rest of her life. I will be fine once I have closure. I could make more WAY money if I moved away from her (this town sucks for jobs in my field). I have chosen my life so I could have a family. I totally, 100% believe that I am the stronger person in my marriage. Stronger to the vows, too.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

hookares said:


> So, she tells you she's "not IN love with you"?
> Once she told you this, you should have apologized to her
> for being so crass as to stand in the way of not only her happiness, but her "bull's" happiness as well.
> Perhaps you should consider taking a 2nd mortgage out on your half of the home you have provided her and help them get a new start in life?:crazy:


Understand that we have children. If we didn't have children, this would have been settled the night she told me. I can't apologize to my children for their mother's behavior.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Surely there's more to life than this. I don't understand what will exactly happen to your children if you divorce, yes understandably they'll be affected but it's not something fundamental or irreparable. Second, are you sure this is an example to set for them if they grow up and find themselves in a similar position?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

abuginarug said:


> What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of her mistake haunting her for the rest of her life. I will be fine once I have closure. I could make more WAY money if I moved away from her (this town sucks for jobs in my field). I have chosen my life so I could have a family. I totally, 100% believe that I am the stronger person in my marriage. Stronger to the vows, too.


OK, staying with her by being weak is a huge turn off for females. Pack your stuff and take the kids to a better town. See how fast she comes running behind you.

What has your actions or lack of, done so far? Pushed her farther away. Time for strong actions.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nc means a no contact letter. Basically a letter from her saying to never contact her again. No contact is impossible if she sees him at work. But in order for reconciliation to work she has to face consequences. Without consequences she won't respect you. Quitting her job and possibly having to move seem like appropriate consequences to me.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

keko said:


> OK, staying with her by being weak is a huge turn off for females. Pack your stuff and take the kids to a better town. See how fast she comes running behind you.
> 
> What has your actions or lack of, done so far? Pushed her farther away. Time for strong actions.





WorkingOnMe said:


> Nc means a no contact letter. Basically a letter from her saying to never contact her again. No contact is impossible if she sees him at work. But in order for reconciliation to work she has to face consequences. Without consequences she won't respect you. Quitting her job and possibly having to move seem like appropriate consequences to me.


Moving is in my future. Interstate parenting is impossible. I grew up in 2-parent household. As I type that, I realize that I have been a single parent. wtf


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

abuginarug said:


> What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of her mistake haunting her for the rest of her life. I will be fine once I have closure.



I believe you may be suffering from the KISA syndrome (Knigh In Shinning Armor) and that you feel like you have to save her from herself. You are not her father, you are her husband which means that she is an adult woman who should have behaved like a wife and mother instead of an immature single woman with no responsibilities to your or her children. She has some growing up to do before she is ready for a committed relationship with any man. You're better off moving on with your life and seeking custody of the kids seeing she is mostly a stranger to them.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

abuginarug said:


> Moving is in my future. Interstate parenting is impossible. I grew up in 2-parent household. As I type that, I realize that I have been a single parent. wtf


Negative, you move with the kids and they stay with you(until a court orders you otherwise). If your WW truly loves then she'll follow shortly if not she's a lost cause.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

keko said:


> Negative, you move with the kids and they stay with you(until a court orders you otherwise). If your WW truly loves then she'll follow shortly if not she's a lost cause.


:iagree:

You take the kids and move. There is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. Then you get a child custody order giving you full custody, or primary custody at the very least. The best time to strike is while she's in the fog. You see, OM's fantasy is with your WW, and that doesn't include the children.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> You see, OM's fantasy is with your WW, and that doesn't include the children.


Fantasy is a great word. wtf


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You have not done anything right so far to save your marriage, but you haven't lost your marriage yet, either.

You have to go back to square one with how you handled her adulterous affair. You have to do the actions now that you should have done when you first found out.

Your wife is still carrying on her affair. It is a 99.99% certainty. Cheaters follow a script. It is truly amazing how similar cheaters all act. Your wife is following the cheater's script to a T. 

One comment to give you some hope: *She has not left you for him. Why not?* I am assuming you have something or the other man lacks something that makes her stay with you. Maybe it's because you're a good father. Maybe it's because she doesn't want to be known as a divorcee. Maybe it's because the other man has shown no interest in committing to her, or maybe not to your children. Maybe it's because the other man and/or your wife can't do so because of what would happen at work.

Something not so pleasant to think about: She is planning on leaving you. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or next week. Maybe next month. Maybe next year. Her and the other man have a plan.

Another comment: You are too good for her. I don't know why you would want it. *Was she a good wife and mother at one time?*

No offense meant by this - but you are beyond a "nice guy." You are a doormat. She is walking all over you and you are letting her. You are hanging on too tight to your marriage. She knows this. She knows you will allow her to treat you this way because you would do anything "for the kids" and to "save the marriage." She is using that to her advantage. 

When push came to shove, maybe she would drop the affair and return to your marriage rather than lose you and her family, but she does not have to. She is feeling that she will never be faced with that choice. So, she has no motivation to change how she's acting. 

She can have the other man and have you and keep things just the way they are now for as long as she wants.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

abuginarug said:


> I really need (at this point) to know if I would know if she was really trying to save our marriage.
> 
> She says she loves me, but is in love with OM. I want commitment. I feel like she's just fence-sitting with her "I don't know what I want"-s and cold conversation.
> 
> If she was REALLY trying, I'd know...right?





abuginarug said:


> I used to look at her phone & phone records, I checked her facebook, I would check her non-work email. She complained that she felt violated, and I realized that if I can't trust her there's no point in this marriage.
> 
> And she still sees him at her place of employment. He is on a committee there, and is involved with some volunteer work related to her job.


She isn't trying, because she is still involved with him. They see each other via work.

You might have had a shot at getting her to stop being infatuated with him if she had stopped contact with him. As bad as electronic contact is, direct contact on a daily basis is a 1000% worse. (NOTE: I won't use the word love even though she does--love is what YOU have for her, since she is your very good friend. The emotions she feels for the OM POS shouldn't be dignified with the word love.)

NMMNG and MMSL would guide you to putting your foot down with regard to transparency. She use the magic word, I'm sure--it's "controlling" and if I ever want to get a modern man to heel that's the one to toss around. Don't feel bad. You're only the nth gentleman in as many threads to get manipulated in this way.

She is profoundly disrespecting you by having her cake and eating it too. You are the babysitter and that guy probably eats NMMNG and MMSL for lunch each day with a little salt and a single malt whiskey. 

There is a divorced dad's link around here, hope someone comes along and posts it. You deserve to have primary custody after all that she's done.

I admire that you don't want her to be so severely punished for her vast selfishness. It will be a terrible loss for her. But it sounds like you have fallen out of love with her and the only reason to try and R is to help save her from herself. It takes dedication to break an affair (as you know better than most! you should see the other suckers in denial, poor guys). If you're not up to it, you know what you need to do.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You must accept that *you may lose your marriage no matter what you do.* You cannot control your wife or her actions. You can only control your own actions and what your are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept.

The first thing you need is the truth. Sit down with your wife and ask her to tell you the truth about her affair and whether or not it is over. Explain to her that it is not normal to be pining away madly in love with the other man this long after the affair has ended. Tell her based on this and how she continues to act, that you don't believe the affair has ended. Tell her that the story she is telling you doesn't make sense. Do not back down or back off that you believe she still is in the affair.

Tell her that you want her to take a polygraph to see if she has had sex with anyone other than you since October. If she doesn't admit to the ongoing affair, schedule the polygraph. Tell her if she refuses to come clean and she refuses the polygraph, you will file for divorce. Then do it. You can always stop the process if your wife comes clean. 

She is so used to you backing down and being a doormat at this point, she has manipulated and abused you so much, that there is no way she will come clean about the affair or agree to take the polygraph at this point. Only after you file for divorce, she MIGHT come clean or agree to the polygraph. 

I do not give you a good chance of saving your marriage no matter what you do but, if you are going to save it, I don't think you are going to "nice" her back into it, you are going to have to make her realize that she really will lose you and the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

abuginarug said:


> We have had sex once since October.
> 
> She's cold when he's on her mind. I can always tell. We have warm moments, but they are almost always directly followed by one of us stiffening up.
> Yep (<95%) Yep (<95%) She usually keeps herself busy outside the house as often as she can. She does very little around the house.
> ...


I have some questions to get more context:
Does your wife work outside the home?

How long ago did you find out about the affair? 

In the OM OM married? 

How did you find out about the affair?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dad's divorce is below the following links.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*
*The 180 degree rules*
*Man Up real life story*
*Forgiveness*
*Boundaries*,
*Character*
*No More Mr Nice Guy*
*Dads divorce*
*Not Just Friends*
*EMDR*
*Married Man's Sex Life*
*The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference*,
*Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Other Bedroom Battles*,
*3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*
*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*
*How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair*

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have some questions to get more context:
> Does your wife work outside the home?
> 
> How long ago did you find out about the affair?
> ...


Was the PA a culmination of the 2 year EA, or were these two affairs with two different people? I figured it was the first one, but thought I'd confirm.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry but when did you lose your self respect? You have been married only 6 years and almost half the time she has been in an emotional affair and for 8 months screwing her lover behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's? She tells you she simply loves the OM? You do all of the cooking and she spend her almost all of the time out of the house? You have had sex once since October?...What is wrong with this picture?

You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes. You are in a marriage in name only. Why are you so masochistic? She does not deserve you and you do not deserve this. Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? My recommendation would be to do the following:
1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Get a paternity test done.
3. Consult with a lawyer.
4. Get into individual counseling to regain your self-esteem.

Your wife has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She hasn't left the marital home, cuz she has no reason to.

Bug---is allowing her and her lover, by proxy, to stay in the family

You say she is your friend----what kind of a friend happily watches her H's soul be destroyed, happily watches, her mge., destroyed, happily, pronounces a death sentence on her own kids, in that they either live in a home---WHERE THERE IS NO LOVE, there is only MISERY---or where the kids will be SENT to 2 SEPERATE HOMES, and be shuttled back and forth---Hey Bug, what friends of yours would recommend, the above.

You say your wife is still lives in the home, and is in the mge.---but she is never there---why is that, where is she, what is she out doing, you certainly do not seem to be any kind of a family unit.----If you enjoy living as a roommate, and pining for what once was---then you will be fine-----BUT I will tell you this---Your kids are not fine---and you better BELIEVE---they already know what is going on----so stop being so F'ing noble for them, and end this nonentity of a mge., that you are in.---Kids at this point will be better off in a happy SPLIT situation.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Actually she couldn't find a better babysitter so she is still with OP.
She now have both worlds Alpha OM for excitement and sex, OP for taking care of her home and babysit.
I dont know when OP is going to see the things without rose glasses........


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

do you really think she would put up with this crap if you were doing it? buddy move out,take the kids with you...oh --find your nads where she stashed them in the house and reattach them.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

What I've gathered is that I would know if she was actually trying. 

We fought about this last night, I said my bit, I managed to get a little over-dramatic (its my nature, I'm working on it), and today I have felt more functional than I have in months, if not years.

Thanks for the support. I can't say I agree with everything that I've read, but I definitely feel more aware of my position right now.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good for you, Bug!

It's a process. A crappy process, but one that we've all been thru.

Keep posting!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

abuginarug said:


> What I've gathered is that I would know if she was actually trying.
> 
> We fought about this last night, I said my bit, I managed to get a little over-dramatic (its my nature, I'm working on it), and today I have felt more functional than I have in months, if not years.
> 
> Thanks for the support. I can't say I agree with everything that I've read, but I definitely feel more aware of my position right now.


What do you think of the fact that she sees him daily and she tells you she is still in love with him?


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Bug,
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can really relate to a lot of things you have said. I've always felt it was my duty to save my H, my best friend, the person I've loved since I was 18. Our lives are completely entangled. We have a son. How can I not try and do everything I can to save us? 

You definitely are a nice guy or knight in shining armour. I know you probably feel like people are attacking you with that and they just don't understand the whole situation. You don't have to feel bad about playing the nice guy all this time. You played the nice guy because you felt that was your duty to your wife, and there is nothing wrong with that. It's honorable. But if she doesn't respect you, nice guy turns into doormat. Once you have turned into the doormat, you need to go completely alpha to regain respect. You have to give up the desire to try and control your WW and your relationship and focus on controlling yourself. Once you gain control of yourself and let go of the thought that you can make everything better and fix it, the more control you will gain over your relationship. I know it sounds contradictory, but I am living it right now and it works. I've always been the doormat. Two weeks out from me standing up for myself and I am the one who seems more assured about the future, while WH head is lost and spinning like mine has been for months. I have heard that the person who cares less about the relationship controls it, and that has definitely been the case for me.

Do you know why you are the nice guy? Not for the reasons you have given about loyalty or children...I suspect that there was something from your past that has made you react in this way. Did your parents divorce? Did you have to play caretaker for someone growing up? Have you had to deal with alcoholism or addiction with either your immediate family or WW? Did something horrible happen to someone you cared about that you felt like you could have stopped or were responsible for? Any sexual abuse? You need to understand where this stems from and work on fixing that, the rest will start to fall into place. Be honest with yourself. It helped me to just start writing whatever I felt and not censoring myself. It was pretty clear once I stopped omitting things or justifying actions or feelings what was really going on with me. It will be painful to think about bad past memories, but you can get a huge sense of relief and direction from acceptance. 

To answer your question, no she is not trying. You can't make her try. She expects you to keep trying for her because that is what you have always done. As long as you keep showing all the effort, she will not. Read up on the 180. This is for you, not to get her back. It will seem overwhelming, but even if you can start at a few things, you will start to regain your confidence.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> What do you think of the fact that she sees him daily and she tells you she is still in love with him?


The volunteer work is one day during the week and weekends. I hate that they see each other ever. If I haven't made that obvious, it's not for lack of want.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

abuginarug said:


> The volunteer work is one day during the week and weekends. I hate that they see each other ever. If I haven't made that obvious, it's not for lack of want.


I'm sure it makes you ill.
Please take this from someone whose husband entered a long term EA with a co-worker: this is the #1 reason why you haven't made progress. There may be plenty of other reasons, but this is #1.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

abuginarug said:


> The volunteer work is one day during the week and weekends. I hate that they see each other ever. If I haven't made that obvious, it's not for lack of want.


Oh boy....

You want the truth from a former cheater. You're a big *bleep* and she knows it. She can push you around and string you along because you allow it.

She's not trying, she doesn't need to try because you won't do anything about it. My wife was like this at the beginning when she found out, sit it out and hope things get better. NOPE, wrong answer.

Kicked me out, told me to get back into the marriage or get the F out, that got my attention real quick.

If she's still thinking of the OM, she's not trying. And like I've stated before, she's not trying because she doesn't have to, she knows you won't do anything drastic because you're wrapped around her little pinky.

Server he with papers and she either gets back on board or you're out, simple as that. Or you can suffer for the next couple of years hoping for the best. And I'll tell you what, hoping and praying doesn't work for *bleep* in these situations, you have to take control of your life and either she gets on board or you pull back the life preserver and let her drown herself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This can't be real. On the off chance that you are a real poster and you don't actually want to be the cuckold that you appear to be, please go back and read LordMayhem's post. Unbelievable.


Oh, it can be real. All too real to people who have been through this type of stuff.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> I believe you may be suffering from the KISA syndrome (Knigh In Shinning Armor) and that you feel like you have to save her from herself. You are not her father, you are her husband which means that she is an adult woman who should have behaved like a wife and mother instead of an immature single woman with no responsibilities to your or her children. She has some growing up to do before she is ready for a committed relationship with any man. You're better off moving on with your life and seeking custody of the kids seeing she is mostly a stranger to them.


_Or before she is ready for a committed relationship with her children.
_


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

If anyone sees this thread and recognizes himself in the situation...stop feeling so "out of control" and read No More Mr Nice Guy (link's a page or two back). It's not about being a jerk; it's about being a real honest to god attractive charismatic man. 

Halfway through reading this, I have realized that I am doing a lot of things wrong AND that I'm not alone. And, more importantly, I am now communicating more effectively. This has DRASTICALLY improved my outlook on life in less than 48 hours. I am more effective with my job, I am a more effective parent and friend, I believe I am also a more effective husband.

I am focusing on myself. I am being greedy, but not neglectful of my children or other responsibilities. I know it's okay to be me. It's taken me 6 months of mistakes and missteps to get here. I am truly inspired, and I honestly can't wait to wake up in the mornings...even though she's not in bed with me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

abuginarug said:


> If anyone sees this thread and recognizes himself in the situation...stop feeling so "out of control" and read No More Mr Nice Guy (link's a page or two back). It's not about being a jerk; it's about being a real honest to god attractive charismatic man.
> 
> Halfway through reading this, I have realized that I am doing a lot of things wrong AND that I'm not alone. And, more importantly, I am now communicating more effectively. This has DRASTICALLY improved my outlook on life in less than 48 hours. I am more effective with my job, I am a more effective parent and friend, I believe I am also a more effective husband.
> 
> I am focusing on myself. I am being greedy, but not neglectful of my children or other responsibilities. I know it's okay to be me. It's taken me 6 months of mistakes and missteps to get here. I am truly inspired, and I honestly can't wait to wake up in the mornings...even though she's not in bed with me.


This reminds me of my new favorite quote...

"I cannot change you. I can only change the way I interact with you."


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

abuginarug said:


> If anyone sees this thread and recognizes himself in the situation...stop feeling so "out of control" and read No More Mr Nice Guy (link's a page or two back). It's not about being a jerk; it's about being a real honest to god attractive charismatic man.
> 
> Halfway through reading this, I have realized that I am doing a lot of things wrong AND that I'm not alone. And, more importantly, I am now communicating more effectively. This has DRASTICALLY improved my outlook on life in less than 48 hours. I am more effective with my job, I am a more effective parent and friend, I believe I am also a more effective husband.
> 
> I am focusing on myself. I am being greedy, but not neglectful of my children or other responsibilities. I know it's okay to be me. It's taken me 6 months of mistakes and missteps to get here. I am truly inspired, and I honestly can't wait to wake up in the mornings...even though she's not in bed with me.


Sometimes I think that NMMNG and MMSL are laced with something. I have never seen two books that produce more about-faces in men just as fast as they read them.

I'm glad to read this. You are 100% right that it's not about being obnoxious. The funny thing is sometimes I think the titles scare people off because they expect to read a different message than the books in fact discuss.

I know you're sick of hearing this, but as far as I've ever seen or hear on these boards there's zero success where the cheating spouse had regular contact with the affair partner. It doesn't particularly matter if the affair is over, the obsession just continues in a one-sided way. The only way contact would have an effect would be a resounding, harsh rejection by the AP (hard slap / cold water straight in the face). In which case you would know it had happend, because the WS would suddenly find a dislike for the AP and try to avoid them.

People use the term addiction in regard to affairs or, as your case may be, lingering infatuation because continued contact, however small, is like a "hit." Just like you're still addicted to cigarettes no matter how little you smoke each week. You're not off cigarettes until you stop smoking entirely. Heck, you're not off nicotine until you stop chewing the gum and wearing the patches. Zero = no addiction.


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