# Advice needed...



## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

hello, i'm new here and found this site while searching for help. posted this under a different part of the forum, as well as here. didn't know where to put it. mods, please move or delete whichever post is in the wrong section... thanks. anyway, here's my problem:

i've been married 3 years and have a 2 year old daughter. i had an affair which lasted 2 months, but had known the other woman for two years. i ended the affair last december, when i realized that it was my family that i loved. the reason i had an affair, though i know it's not justified and i was wrong, was because me and my wife were fighting with alarming frequency, and she abused me verbally, emotionally and physically. i couldn't take it anymore and sought solace, thus the affair. but i love my wife in spite of it all, so i ended the affair. 

however, shortly after ending it, i found out the other girl was pregnant. 

naturally, my wife found out about it and wants to leave me. i am trying to fix things by being open now and not hiding anything. from my emails, accounts, phones, laptop, etc., she has access to it all. i don't mind it, since it was i who made the mistake. i, who was wrong. 

now, she wants to change me. everything about me. i have been a musician and photographer all my life. she is asking me to quit both. i understand the music, since temptations abound, but my photography, i don't get why. i have been doing both since i was a kid. i am 30yo now, and all ive done to eke out a living has been both. i quit my music, and now she wants me to quit my photography. i don't know what to do now. i want to do all she says, to make things better for us, but is this the right thing to do? to turn my back on everything that i have known, everything that i am? 

i fear if i do what she wants, if ever we don't separate, i would be a lifeless shell. a shadow of the man who i once was. i dunno what work i can do, i tried applying but it's either i'm too old, or i lack experience. but more than that, i will be miserable being a man she wants me to be, not the man who i'm supposed to be.

everyday, i get reminded of the mistake i did, of how dirty, worthless, evil, overall no good guy i am. i get yelled at almost everyday (even before all this, this was the case anyway), i get hit almost everyday (again, even before the problem, this occurs with almost every argument)... i try to accept the verbal and physical abuse as i believe i deserve it, but how can i stand up for myself when she wants to change everything about me? she always wanted to change everything about me since day 1, but i stood my ground. now she has good reason to have me to change... what should i do?



i know i did a hugely terrible,costly mistake. and though i want to do right, is losing all that make me who i am worth it? i honestly don't know what to do anymore...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

zero said:


> everyday, i get reminded of the mistake i did, of how dirty, worthless, evil, overall no good guy i am. i get yelled at almost everyday (even before all this, this was the case anyway), i get hit almost everyday (again, even before the problem, this occurs with almost every argument)... i try to accept the verbal and physical abuse as i believe i deserve it, but how can i stand up for myself when she wants to change everything about me? she always wanted to change everything about me since day 1, but i stood my ground. now she has good reason to have me to change... what should i do?
> .


Affair or not, no one deserves this. Separate from her and do what you must to protect your children. Contact the authorities so it is on record and find an attorney. Her attempts to change you are not the problem, the abuse is.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The affair was incredibly bad decision.

At this point, you agreeing to what your wife is asking, would be another incredibly bad decision. You had the affair as a result of the dysfunction in your marriage. Why on Earth would you sign on to even attempt what she is asking? There comes a point where the right decision makes you look like crap, and feels like crap.

Leaving so that you can move on, and she can move on, is the right thing to do. You may want to _fix_ things out of guilt or sense of responsibility, but nobody in that equation gets what they want if you stay.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

thanks for the replies. i really want to fix things, i know i did wrong... but with what she's doing to me, i can't even stand up for myself. because if i do, she'd go on threatening to leave. it's not her leaving that affects me most, but rather the fact that she'll take my daughter away from me. she keeps on saying i have no rights whatsoever, and i deserve everything she does because of what i did... we're from the far east, and she threatens to leave with our daughter to the states, where she grew up.

it's either i do all that she wants, or i lose my daughter.

how do i talk to her?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

My wife had an affair... actually TWO of them back to back.

It has been difficult in dealing with the facts as they are, but the reality is that I fell in love with her and married her for who she was. I cannot ask, nor would I want her to change anything about herself (Other than the tendency to become unfaithful to me).

She has become transparent to me... E-mail, Phone, etc., just as you say you have for your wife.

It is a known fact that you cannot re-invent someone else. You might be able to succeed at being who SHE wants for a while, but in time, you would become miserable. She is most likely lashing out in an attempt to "punish" you for your actions. Perhaps it will settle in time.

Please keep us informed!

~Moog


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

moogvo said:


> My wife had an affair... actually TWO of them back to back.
> 
> It has been difficult in dealing with the facts as they are, but the reality is that I fell in love with her and married her for who she was. I cannot ask, nor would I want her to change anything about herself (Other than the tendency to become unfaithful to me).
> 
> ...


Thanks for this. This is what I am hoping for will happen. In the meantime, I've put my life "on hold" for her sake. Knowing that in time, when things have settled, I pray I would be able to bring back who I am. (of course without the unfaithfulness and lying). She almost left me a couple of days ago since I was holding on to who I am, but figured to agree for the moment until we get to a counselor to straighten out all that is needed. We see the counselor on Monday. I really hope things turn out for the best.... thanks!


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

May I suggest that you buy her the book "First Aid for the Betrayed" and "Torn Asunder". Both of them can be incredibly helpful. The first thing she needs to know is that if she throws you out and moves on, she will take the baggage of the affair with her. It will transfer to the next person she is with.

You have heard the saying that you can run but your can't hide, or that you can't run from your troubles? This is true here.

what has happened is the most horrible thing that you can do to a spouse. This isn't like you were going bowling, and then ended up in a titty bar - This goes deeper and cuts to the core, so don't expect everything to be okay in 2 weeks.

It is going to be a LONG road to recovery, and chances are that there will be no recovery, so do be prepared for that.

The other thing is this... What became of the woman you had the affair with? Do you still see/talk to her at all? Is this a woman who you are forced to deal with as part of your daily life (Co-worker, customer, etc. )

Have you had contact with her in any way? (Not necessarily inappropriate... Just any contact)

The other thing that I have to offer you here is that since the day of discovery for me, my marriage has taken off to wonderful places I could have never even dreamed of before. THIS is the marriage I thought I had for years. It stabs me in the center of my heart, though, that my wife had to be blindfolded and tied up in another man's bed before we could come to this point.

There IS life and reconciliation after infidelity. Perhaps she should be part of a support group. I am all about telling people how hurt I was, but how wonderful it is now.

Good luck on this.

~Moog


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

zero said:


> She almost left me a couple of days ago since I was holding on to who I am


Before and after the affair your wife verbally, mentally and physically abused you. She is now trying to change everything about you. She is taking away the things you love in music and photography. She is controlling you by threatening to leave you because you were holding on to who you are??? If I might make a suggestion, when you meet with the counselor confess that your actions in the affair were wrong but that at this point she is the one who needs counseling. She is the abuser who is trying to take away your identity, control everything you do and in my opinion take away your manhood. What kind of marriage is that??? She is the one who needs to change her behaviors. Can you work to be a better man? Of course but if she won’t accept you for who your are, what you believe and what you love to do then walk. This is no way to live your life.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I agree with Amp. You need to confess to her that what you did was absolutely unspeakable, and that you are so very sorry for it. But at the same time, she needs to know that you will do everything you can do to make it right, short of being a mindless drone.

Does she REALLY want to be married to someone with the equivalence of a warm blow-up doll? There are problems in the marriage that are not limited to the affair. Those issues need to be worked out or the two of you should consider parting company.

~Moog


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Thanks for the replies... 

My main reason for counseling, is not for myself, though she thinks we are going to help me see the error of my ways, to straighten me out, etc... but actually, I want HER to see the counselor. She didn't want to go before, and I thought the only way to make her agree to go was to go together and make her think I am the one who needs help.

Don't get me wrong, I know I did wrong, and I am truly sorry for that. I know I need help myself. With her though, she sincerely believes that what she's doing is right. (Probably stemming from her childhood. Her parents never did treat her well) This may have caused her to think that what she does is "normal" and right. Numerous times, I tell her she has anger management issues, that her abuse is wrong, and her answer to that is always "you forget what you have done. You are the cause of all of this" or something to that effect in a more florid language. And she goes wild again. 

At any rate, I am doing what she wants till in the meantime so she would go to the counselor with me on Monday. I will tell the counselor everything, but that I am willing to make things work. I expect either of these two to happen after counseling: she realizes her mistakes and faults and try to fix things with me (without the abuse, without taking away who I am), or I realize that she will never change and it's time to call it quits. Either way, I am preparing myself.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Z,

When at the counselor, you are both going to have to tell your story so that the counselor knows where you are both at. Might I suggest that when it is YOUR turn, you stick to the facts of what YOU have done?

When I went to the counselor with my wife, I spoke first using a lot of "I" statements... Things I had done to cause detriment to the marriage. When it was her turn, however, she added more of my faults on top of what I had already confessed to. She used a lot of "He" statements.

The counselor was not fooled. He out rightly told her that I had admitted the faults I had, and that she needed to talk about what SHE had done. When we left the session, she talked for a long time about having been humbled. 

She has said to me "This is so hard for me because I have ALWAYS been right. I don't know how to be wrong." The scary part of this is that she truly feels that way... She is the all knowing entity who is always right... She gets it from her dad who preaches "Never admit wrong, even in the face of the evidence, deny it all. You are innocent regardless of whether or not you are proven guilty."

I said to her "Do you REALLY THINK that you are ALWAYS right???" She thought about it and began to cry again. "No, I am not and again I have to be humbled. Why does God need me to be so humbled like this?"

She is beginning to see that she not only is NOT always right, but she is wrong way more often than she ever thought she could be.

I know what it is like to be with someone who believes that they are infallible. It is tiring!

Good luck!!!

~Moog


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Moog,

Oh yes. I intend to admit all my faults to the counselor. Everything from the smallest to the biggest. I just hope she does too though. I really don't know how things would work out after the counselor since she is quite adamant about going, but is only going because I begged her to go. I'm not sure if she would be receptive...

edit: and to answer your question earlier... no. I have not been in contact with the other girl. No calls, text, emails, nothing. We don't see each other in any way. Totally nothing.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Monday has come and gone and still no counseling. The doctor got sick and so had to move our appointment to saturday. It's wednesday now and I am slowly reaching the end of my wits. I know how I screwed up big time but do I really deserve all this? She screams and curses, though no physical abuses so far, and is slowly taking my life away. She wants to make me quit music and photography as I said, and now she wants me to cut my communication with my best friend since high school. My freaking best friend since high school!!! Her reason? Because when he knew about it, he didn't tell her about anything. Which isn't his fault cause I asked him not to tell anyone. Besides, and this she doesn't get, he's my best friend, it's only natural he'll cover my ass no matter what... anyway, just needed to rant... Saturday is a long ways to go, and I don't know if I can take all this crap til then... she doesn't realize it, but the way she treats me now makes me lose my respect for her... 3 days to go...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is nothing short of emotional extortion. My advice is to bail. Give her a puppet sock that she can control all she wants and you find someone who appreciates you for you.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Don't let her take your friends away, or your career. If that's a deal breaker for her then let it be and move on.


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## cloudyeyedog (Mar 19, 2009)

Read Psalm 139. God don't make junk. It takes time to reestablish trust. You need to seek counciling with your wife and pray that she will go with you. It took two of you to get into this situation dispite what you might think,it will take two of you to get out of it,I suggest you go and rent or buy Fireproof (video ) watch with wife.c


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Update: Had another fight a few hours ago. I finally stood my ground about all the cursing and yelling. That things can be talked about in a peaceful manner. I told her that I won't stand for any more cursing and yelling and hitting. She hit me though while going ballistic, I didn't hit her back mind you, but I did held her down to stop. I told her that has got to stop. Anyway, she again said she was leaving, and I told her if she wanted to then go. 

Then I followed cloudyeyedog's suggestion. We watched Fireproof together. We talked after, and she agreed to delay her leaving and push through with the counseling. Oh, and first of firsts, she told me she was sorry... that's a start... thanks guys for the replies and support.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

zero said:


> Anyway, she again said she was leaving, and I told her if she wanted to then go.


This was the perfect response.


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## SweetBillyV (Mar 28, 2009)

I suggest separation to give each of you some space. On your own read some books, see a therapist, talk to your pastor, watch some movies. You need to gain a new perspective, and it won't happen as long as you are together and being abused.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Thanks guys. She's packing her bags now, this very minute in fact, and though it pains me to see her leave, I know this is what's best for us. Though just a few minutes ago we had another argument, this time with regards to finances. Anyway, we'll be spending time apart, and will be seeing the counselor regularly, either together or individually. Let's see what'll happen to us...


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