# WS's regret?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Just drove my son to his friend's house and he was talking about his girlfriend and he said "why are all women like that, full of regrets?" and I said "it is not all women it is just your girlfriend" and he stated "No, Mom is always discussing the regrets she had with you?" to which I replied "She is probably regretting meeting me and marrying me?" to which he replied "No, she is always discussing how she regretted things turning out the way they did and how she handled the situation?" Then I found myself feeling badly for her and I realized I still care for her..I am not sick enough to consider taking her back? Doe anyone think she is regretful? If so, why doesnt she tell me instead of our 18 year old son? Your thoughts?


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Just drove my son to his friend's house and he was talking about his girlfriend and he said "why are all women like that, full of regrets?" and I said "it is not all women it is just your girlfriend" and he stated "No, Mom is always discussing the regrets she had with you?" to which I replied "She is probably regretting meeting me and marrying me?" to which he replied "No, she is always discussing how she regretted things turning out the way they did and how she handled the situation?" Then I found myself feeling badly for her and I realized I still care for her..I am not sick enough to consider taking her back? Doe anyone think she is regretful? If so, why doesnt she tell me instead of our 18 year old son? Your thoughts?


I would say there is always some regret, whether verbalized, intellectualized or even rationalized. No one wants to think of themselves as a heartless beast. Some may say "I did what I had to" or "they drove me to it", but I can't fathom anyone saying "I hurt them as much as possible and I'm glad about it". I think once the fog is gone and time has passed, most people with a conscious would agree they acted poorly. 

So saying as my wife is moving out thinking her secret affair is still a secret and doing this "for the kids". Ha!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She probably does have regrets but thinks there is no chance of getting back with you. So she does not mention it.

Are you interested in getting back with her?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Possibly, no almost certainly, aware that her words will get back to you via your son.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife did not probably want to come off as cold b!tch in-front of your son. She knew he wouldn't but her selfish reasons


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't know your story so I can't offer any concrete perspective but reasons I could see are:

Fear - talking to your child is significantly less threatening than to you; especially after marital problems
Passive manipulation - knowing that the info would get back to you she communicates with you without having to face you and face the fear of rejection and/or your anger
Just talk - women talk about their feelings more than men do; was she a 'talker'? If so then this could be idle whimsy to someone that lends a caring ear
Guilt - If she was the WS then she might think "he deserves better than me"

Her reasons could be one, none, or all of the above.

Anyways, it doesn't matter what her motivations are. If you want nothing to do with her then it's a moot point (and if you've communicated that to her then EleGirl is probably spot on).

But if you're curious then why not talk to her about it? If you would never entertain the idea of getting together again then talking about it wouldn't mean that you'd get back together though it might make it harder for you to hate her.

I'm a very big fan of open communication. My W and I are separated and sometimes one of us stews for a while and when we talk, we both feel better afterwards. So why stew on it? 

In my experience, you can't spend a significant amount of time with someone and not be emotionally invested in them. You obviously don't hate your xw (ie - you haven't repressed that love with hate or, if you have, then maybe you've done some healing too) so why not talk about it?

Talking about something doesn't mean that you will get back together. In fact, don't even put that on the table, don't hint at it. You could even say, "I'm not interested in getting back together but the fact that you have these regrets hurts me. It's okay if it's just whimsy but if you'd like to talk to me about it to get it off your chest then I'm here for you".

Do you have regrets of your own? Why not overcome the fear and talk about them.

If she assaulted you with a list of 'faults', why not ask her which ones are still relevant. Maybe she just needs reminding of that list for the whimsy to leave. Maybe she can offer new perspective on that list.

Talking doesn't mean that you will get back together if that's not what you want, but it would probably help you to relate better regardless. But it will only make it harder if you don't want to have a better relationship with her.

How long have you two been apart? How long have the two of you had to think about things? Solitude engenders reflection and reflection is good for the soul. We all make mistakes and most of us admit to them... eventually.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is making herself looks good in front of the son. 
See the effects, Mom did some thing wrong and handled it poorly poor mom, she deserve some empathy but why cant dad understand this? 
She is manipulating your son.

Its all about her and nothing about you, dont wallow much about this in your head.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Just drove my son to his friend's house and he was talking about his girlfriend and he said "why are all women like that, full of regrets?" and I said "it is not all women it is just your girlfriend" and he stated "No, Mom is always discussing the regrets she had with you?" to which I replied "She is probably regretting meeting me and marrying me?" to which he replied "No, she is always discussing how she regretted things turning out the way they did and how she handled the situation?" Then I found myself feeling badly for her and I realized I still care for her..I am not sick enough to consider taking her back? Doe anyone think she is regretful? If so, why doesnt she tell me instead of our 18 year old son? Your thoughts?


BT

If you remember in your original post or graduation post I mentioned to you that she obviously is trying to talk to you.

I know you still hurt over what she did, who wouldn't.


> Does anyone think she is regretful? If so, why doesnt she tell me instead of our 18 year old son? Your thoughts?


But I have a novel idea.

Call her and ask her.......

Do it right out of the blue. I think you are the type of person that needs closure.

Tell her you are sick of hearing these comments for your son. Tell her you want the truth.

Why did she kill the marriage? Why did she cheat?
Why does she have regrets?

What is the worst that can happen? She hangs up. She cries. She can't tell you?

You have nothing to lose.

And one last thing, of course you still care for her. That has always been obvious fromyour posts.

So get the closure you need.

Good Luck

HM64


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> But I have a novel idea.
> 
> Call her and ask her.......


:iagree:



happyman64 said:


> Do it right out of the blue. I think you are the type of person that needs closure.
> 
> Tell her you are sick of hearing these comments for your son. Tell her you want the truth.


I'm going to suggest slightly different wording. Telling her that you are 'sick of hearing' instantly conveys that you are angry which instantly creates a barrier to communication. And it reads 'me me me me me'.

How can you say the same thing but use words that don't immediately set you on the path to accusing her of something and starting a fight? How do you break that pattern?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She probably does have regrets but thinks there is no chance of getting back with you. So she does not mention it.
> 
> Are you interested in getting back with her?


After all I said and did---I still think of my family and how it could work.it would be hard but a discussion would be nice....at least for the sake of our children.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Possibly, no almost certainly, aware that her words will get back to you via your son.


This is like her. Passive..or it could be my son wanting us back together. Who knows?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Your wife did not probably want to come off as cold b!tch in-front of your son. She knew he wouldn't but her selfish reasons


This could be true too..she was constantly trying to manage how people perceived her....so she is just trying to look good for our son..


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> BT
> 
> If you remember in your original post or graduation post I mentioned to you that she obviously is trying to talk to you.
> 
> ...


Hi Happy, 

Yea, I should have talked to her at graduation but she was seen walking everywhere all around the city with this dude the day before so I really was not in the mood for it.

As far as calling her, she cut off contact with me so that is not an option ...I, myself would have to work through third parties.

You are right about me needing closure..thus wanting stuff out of the house, etc. I have already told her I would like the truth but I have a weird sense she does not want it to end (even though she in essence ended it). 

I would like to hear her regrets, why she cheated, how the hole thing transpired, etc.

That is the one problem with being the person cheated on...we do not (or ever will have) all the information.

and yes, through all this I keep trying to kill my feelings for her but cannot escape the fact that I care about her still..it makes me sick.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

TCx said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Good point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Discussing" might not mean discussing with her son. He might have overheard her discussing this with someone else.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> "Discussing" might not mean discussing with her son. He might have overheard her discussing this with someone else.


this is also true


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I say if she wants to get back together but can't approach you with that, she doesn't want that badly enough.

Don't do the first move, even if you would like her back. Too much uncertainty to risk your peace of mind again. And even if she agrees, it'll forever be YOU who begged her back in.

I just don't see how asking for forgiveness could be outside of comfort zone of a person who cheated. They had to be thick-skinned.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

snap said:


> I say if she wants to get back together but can't approach you with that, she doesn't want that badly enough.
> 
> Don't do the first move, even if you would like her back. Too much uncertainty to risk your peace of mind again. And even if she agrees, it'll forever be YOU who begged her back in.
> 
> I just don't see how asking for forgiveness could be outside of comfort zone of a person who cheated. They had to be thick-skinned.


true, snap! It would show she is not into the "heavy lifting" we propose here....very light lifting.....fair enough. good point


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

It's often said on TAM that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. It is possible the reality of single life did not live up to how she imagined it would be.

BTW, that does not necessarily mean she misses you or wants you back. She might be guilty about the way she treated you. She might miss having your children around all the time. She might simply not like having to pay bills by herself or take out your own trash.

Let it be and go about your life.


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## SkaterDad (Aug 21, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Just drove my son to his friend's house and he was talking about his girlfriend and he said "why are all women like that, full of regrets?" and I said "it is not all women it is just your girlfriend" and he stated "No, Mom is always discussing the regrets she had with you?" to which I replied "She is probably regretting meeting me and marrying me?" to which he replied "No, she is always discussing how she regretted things turning out the way they did and how she handled the situation?" Then I found myself feeling badly for her and I realized I still care for her..I am not sick enough to consider taking her back? Doe anyone think she is regretful? If so, why doesnt she tell me instead of our 18 year old son? Your thoughts?


I haven't heard this from my daughter yet, but I have heard it from 2 or 3 friends of mine and the WW/stbx. So, is she really regretful? Remorseful? Guilty? Or is it just her way of coping to cover her @ss and not look so bad? My stbx has not said a word directly to me about hurting me, being regretful, and I'm attempting to do a 180 and have NC, so at this point I'm not asking. Teh only things she has said are about not hurting me (by being truthful) and that i should find someone better (guilt/blameshift).

I do agree that a direct call on your part, but soften the angle - maybe say "Our son has told me on multiple occasions you have your doubt's/regrets, I'm here to listen etc." Put her in teh "hot" seat, without a yes no or acussational/angry stance...

just my two pennies!


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

snap said:


> I say if she wants to get back together but can't approach you with that, she doesn't want that badly enough.
> 
> Don't do the first move, even if you would like her back. Too much uncertainty to risk your peace of mind again. And even if she agrees, it'll forever be YOU who begged her back in.
> 
> I just don't see how asking for forgiveness could be outside of comfort zone of a person who cheated. They had to be thick-skinned.


I'd wager quite the opposite actually. If someone is thick skinned, they are more likely to move toward suffering consequences rather than avoiding them.

I wonder how many relationships this rationale have ended because, "I refuse to make the first move" (which I, perhaps naively, translate this into "I am afraid to make the first move" or "I am too selfish to make the first move".

But this relationship is already over and you're going through the doubt phase.

Skaterdad's post intrigued me: "i should find someone better (guilt/blameshift)"

That is part guilt and part fear too. The part that intrigues me though is that SD classified it as blame shifting rather than either seeking validation or lacking self esteem and being afraid.

It amazes me how so many things in our life come down to fear.


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## SkaterDad (Aug 21, 2012)

TCx - I hadn't thought of it totally that way, yes, validation, yes guilt as was stated earlier in the thread, but fear/guilt - yes. WS's who want out are afraid of the heavy lifting, want to think the A was "true love" and that being single is a more viable option (after they explore their AP first) I see the "you deserve better" statement as a fear of looking at themselves, and as a blame shift so when I do move on, they can always say I told you so.... That seems to be when the guilt/regret/remorse kicks in.

I also like your first to move statement. I definitely had that in my M. I have since, thru IC and MC changed that and realized I'm not losing my opening the door. I had an expectation the she would put forth the effort first an dI would respond, I now see how detrimental that can be. She was /is still entitled and never wanted to put forth that effort, even after I did. Unfortunately when having a WS/fog you have to do the opposite so they can "feel" the reality of it. I'm kinda like BT here, I feel for my stbx, but I am becoming more and more detached, and I'm on the road to D.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Don't know the full story, but could it be due to the fact that it is around the holiday time? 
Is she still single, or is she hanging out with her AP? 
Because spending Thanksgiving alone, and knowing you're going to spend Christmas alone, or maybe with just your son, and not the person you married, is probably quite a load to handle. 
And knowing it is 100% your fault that this is happening, adds to the stress and depression. 

Think I can relate to how she is feeling though. 
Spending Christmas alone for the first time in 5 years. Away from my XWW, no family to spend it with, no kids, no girlfriend, nothing. Not a very happy holiday season to look forward too. I actually just want it to be over. 
Possible your wife XW feels the same.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Juicer said:


> Think I can relate to how she is feeling though.
> Spending Christmas alone for the first time in 5 years. Away from my XWW, no family to spend it with, no kids, no girlfriend, nothing. Not a very happy holiday season to look forward too. I actually just want it to be over.
> Possible your wife XW feels the same.


I don't want to hijack the thread but I'm in the same boat except I'm the WS that asked for divorce. I'm keeping myself busy to avoid the blues. Packing up the house, going for long walks, putting music on and dancing around the house, singing at the top of my lungs, cleaning the house (I find cleaning to be very theraputic), go for a drive in the country. Tonight I cooked myself a nice big meal, did laundry, dry cleaning, vaccuumed, etc. Tomorrow I'm going grocery shopping and hiking.

Get out a piece of paper (I use a whiteboard in the kitchen) and make a list of all of the things that you've wanted to do for a long time but just didn't have the chance.... and do one small one each day. It's funny how you can chase the blues away with having something to do. And it keeps my mind off the fact that this will be the first xmas without me video recording the gift opening. Do fun things.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Update: I just drove my son to his friend's house and he was crying saying he tried so hard to keep us together and then he started saying what really tanspired when I was not around..he said my ex tried to replace me when I was not around last summer and had the AP trying to cook meals for both him and her and my son said to my ex "You will never replace my father"...my ex is a real piece of work when it comes to this..now I cannot wait until the divorce.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BT

Your son sounds messed up a little. It might not be a bad idea to have him talk to a counselor just to help him keep his head on tight.

And I know you said you have no way to communicate with your STBXW but if it wasme I would just pick up your sons cellphone and call her.

If you have no desire for a closure conversation you could appraise her of your sons turmoil and tell her you feel he needs help.

You are both his parents and always will be.

And I know you are mad. You have every right to be. She really did some crappy stuff with the OM in front of the kids.

But if your son told you all this he really needs you now. Without the anger.

Good Luck BT

HM64


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> BT
> 
> Your son sounds messed up a little. It might not be a bad idea to have him talk to a counselor just to help him keep his head on tight.
> 
> ...


Yea, I feel really badly for him now - here was a kid so brimming with self confidence and now I see him and the wind has gone out of his sails. 

As far as my ex goes - she's baked. I know if I did tell her what was going on with my son - she would blame me or just ignore it. I really believe she has NPD but dont give a crap. that is her deal.

He is a great kid, hopefully, he'll get through this okay. She lied to this boy and told him nothing was going on between her and another guy and when I left introduced him to my son. AFTER she told him nothing was going on...so my son felt lied to, manipulated, guilty, etc...she really is a piece of dog dodo


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> Update: I just drove my son to his friend's house and he was crying saying he tried so hard to keep us together and then he started saying what really tanspired when I was not around..he said my ex tried to replace me when I was not around last summer and had the AP trying to cook meals for both him and her and my son said to my ex "You will never replace my father"...my ex is a real piece of work when it comes to this..now I cannot wait until the divorce.


Wow!! Really no words on how evil some of these WS are.. Was this before the separation ? 

Make sure you give your son some extra attention for some time. Looks like he will need your support. Some supportive words from you will be 1000 times better than anything a counselor can tell him. Make him a priority in the next few months.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

This was after the separation but she made a big point of saying the reason she was moving out was to be there for our son...yet she lied to him, her family, etc....

BTW - how can you tell a BS is lying? Their lips are moving.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Your ex is not trustworthy and has manipulated a lot of people. 

You've got to focus on your son, not your ex. !!!

Do not engage her based on this scant evidence. Do not cater to her and do not console her. This is a more loving action than going to her - Why? Because she needs to suffer on her own to realize her mistakes. Otherwise, she won't grow. Not if you coddle her.

Again, be there for your son. He's probably leaving home soon and he needs to know you've got his back out there in the big world. The first step in doing that is showing him that you put his welfare over your ex's.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> BTW - how can you tell a BS is lying? Their lips are moving.


I am remarkably sure that this isn't quite what you meant to say.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

oh, yea i meant WS...sorry.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> oh, yea i meant WS...sorry.


Now that that's cleared up, I'd just like to say that I take offense to that.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

i don't know why....the 180 says do not believe anything the person having the affair says...which in essence is the same thing.......if the truth hurts well.....


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> i don't know why....the 180 says do not believe anything the person having the affair says...which in essence is the same thing.......if the truth hurts well.....


Wow...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Just drove my son to his friend's house and he was talking about his girlfriend and he said "why are all women like that, full of regrets?" and I said "it is not all women it is just your girlfriend" and he stated "No, Mom is always discussing the regrets she had with you?" to which I replied "She is probably regretting meeting me and marrying me?" to which he replied "No, she is always discussing how she regretted things turning out the way they did and how she handled the situation?" Then I found myself feeling badly for her and I realized I still care for her..I am not sick enough to consider taking her back? Doe anyone think she is regretful? If so, why doesnt she tell me instead of our 18 year old son? Your thoughts?


She likely will tell you one day. She's trying to make sure you know it already and apologising by not villainizing you to your son. Of course it changes nothing.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She is making herself looks good in front of the son.
> See the effects, Mom did some thing wrong and handled it poorly poor mom, she deserve some empathy but why cant dad understand this?
> She is manipulating your son.
> 
> Its all about her and nothing about you, dont wallow much about this in your head.


Such a pessimistic outlook. Maybe she thinks she messed up and owns that she was at fault. Most people are ashamed of some part of their past. Maybe not the outcome so much as how they handled themselves during the process.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Such a pessimistic outlook. Maybe she thinks she messed up and owns that she was at fault. Most people are ashamed of some part of their past. Maybe not the outcome so much as how they handled themselves during the process.


It's pessimistic but very often convenient. If WS or XWS doesn't make amends why engage, why second guess the motivations? Asume the worse is sometimes the best outlook.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Acabado said:


> It's pessimistic but very often convenient. If WS or XWS doesn't make amends why engage, why second guess the motivations? Asume the worse is sometimes the best outlook.


touché. Could be either I suppose.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe she regret you found out?

Regrets are like @ss wholes, everyones got one, its what we do to make a wrong a right that matters.


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