# just don't know????



## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Hi all my w cheated OK not going to lie it stinks. So I will start at beginning. About a month ago my w and me had to talk she was not happy with the way our relationship had gotten so we had a great weekend talking and all she said the relationship was very important to her and I said so to. So about a week later she was sleeping on the couch I asked she said she was done that she loved me just couldn't do it any more. So week after that I find out about a "friend" and busted her. She didn't try to hide it very well. So I went to stay at my parents w wanted this. So sense d day every time we talk its all about the relationship about what is wrong with it she all ways starts the conversation always yet professes she is out she feels guilty about cheating and breaking up hurting kids all that. 
Why is she beating a dead horse why she bring it up if she is done why she gets so upset over it like real emotional. Real sad when I said I would get an apartment just don't get how she can want to talk if she is so done I just need advice I do love her I no she loves me. Idk if the affair stopped yet so just need advice is she testing the waters or what I'm spent


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are you two? Kids ages? How long have you been married?

Do you both work? Do you know the OM? 

From what little you wrote I'm wondering if she's sad b/c the OM dropped her. Do you know how long the affair has been going on?


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

I'm 40 w 35 kids 16/11 she is still messing around we were together for 17 yrs


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

I do not know the om we both work and do OK just don't get her talking about US if she is sooo done. Why be so upset and emotional why does she bring it up I avoid bringing it up the om never comes up never talk about the affair just our relationship.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

mrmatt72 said:


> Hi all my w cheated OK not going to lie it stinks. So I will start at beginning. About a month ago my w and me had to talk she was not happy with the way our relationship had gotten so we had a great weekend talking and all she said the relationship was very important to her and I said so to. So about a week later she was sleeping on the couch I asked she said she was done that she loved me just couldn't do it any more. So week after that I find out about a "friend" and busted her. She didn't try to hide it very well. So I went to stay at my parents w wanted this. So sense d day every time we talk its all about the relationship about what is wrong with it she all ways starts the conversation always* yet professes she is out she feels guilty about cheating and breaking up hurting kids all that.* Why guilty?She was/is done right?? Actually she is not done with you two.See bellow.
> 
> *Why is she beating a dead horse why she bring it up if she is done why she gets so upset over it like real emotional.* She realized her cheating on you was not a deal breaker with you. So either she is stringing you along, until she is done with OM.Or even worse you are her PLAN B.
> 
> Real sad when I said I would get an apartment just don't get how she can want to talk if she is so done I just need advice I do love her I no she loves me. Idk if the affair stopped yet so just need advice *is she testing the waters .Most likley.*Sorry..or what I'm spent



Have you exposed yet? Do you know who OM is? does he have a wife/gf?


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Yes I busted her and she confessed right away. Om is a divorced friend of a school friend of hers I do not know him. She said it was a 1 time thing twitter tell a diff story then she does


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As long as the OM is in the picture, old reliable (you) will take the back burner. 

She may be bringing up the relationship with the hope you'll try to up your game? Who knows, there's no explaining or understanding someone whose brain chemicals are stirred by a lover on the side. 

You should find out as much as you can about the OM. You don't know if he'll be involved with your kids. He may be an alcoholic, an abuser, a thief) 

Stop talking to her. If she's out - then she's out. 

Read and follow the 180 - a set of behaviors that are designed to get your head on straight and strengthen your spirit. (click the 180 link at the bottom of my post)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Twitter is public info. You can go search all those records and copy them.

Mr. Matt, What do you want out of this? Reconcile, Divorce? Start gearing up for a legal battle that you may have to have. 

What about exposing their A at her work place? HR etc...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

And BTW move you´re A.S.S back home like ASAP..
She is the one with a problem not you..So she can leave.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

I want my w back she has some work to do I know I do to. The om is never in the conversation I feel as she is just using the poor sap to boost her up or something I do know he don't work. we are not legally married


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't talk with her about anything except the kids welfare and immediate financial needs. 

See an atty asap and secure your finances. 

click on my link for the 180 at the bottom of my post and follow it as much as you can. It will help you get through this. 

Don't be mopy, weepy, emotional, or angry with her or in front of her. Be cool and unemotional - you can do it. Don't berate her, if she starts to talk about your relationship/marriage just tell her you already know her stance and understand how she feels. She's entitled to her feelings about it. As you are. 

Get these books asap:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Our life together was not working well we both knew it we talked and agreed it was important then just like that over.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> And BTW move you´re A.S.S back home like ASAP..
> She is the one with a problem not you..So she can leave.


:iagree::iagree: Don't move out of YOUR home!

Expose the OM. He is never brought up why again? Blah blah blah... Oh she is still cheating and she's gone underground?!

Don't for one minute think the affair has stopped. I would go into snoop mode now and be very sneaky... Keylog phone, computer, VAR her car...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You'll never get her back by being a nice guy. 

If you want her back then read the books. Follow the 180 for your own well being while this is going on. 

Expose the affair. It may seem counter-intuitive but it's your best chance.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Idk why om never comes up denial by me? I will bring it up next time she calls. And I will snoop. She sent her gf over on day to calm me down as her stuff was in the bath tub taking a nice soak. Yes I was mad mad.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay you are pretty far behind the curve. So are they still in contact? It seems so if that is the case see the steps below.

1. NO MARRIAGE works with 3 people. NO WORDS. NO ACTIONS. Are going to change the relationship if she is still seeing the other guy. So stop even trying all it makes you seem is pathetic and weak.

2. Go dark read the 180 and implement it. NO TEXTS. NO CALLS. Only talk about kids or finances that concern both of you.

3. NO SEX, NO CUDDLING, NO I LOVE YOUS. NOTHING.

4. Proceed with getting a lawyer and looking at filing.


Now if he is out of the picture.

1. She agrees to No Contact with him ever. And writes a no contact letter.

2. She takes 100% accountability for her affair no matter what happened in the marriage it does not allow her to screw other guys. You did not push her to spread her legs. She decided to do that on her own.

3. She provides a timeline tell her that you want all the details and that you will do a polygraph test to insure you get the truth as well as any other affairs she has had.

4. STD test she was probably unprotected during sex, happens in most cases.

5. Marriage Counseling and maybe individual counseling for her.


Now then I think you are in a fog you just want to fix this and have your wife back you probably want that more than anything. Not going to happen that marriage you had is gone. The women you knew is gone. You can start a new relationship with the one you have but you have to understand these facts. She betrayed your trust. She betrayed your love. She betrayed your kids. She broke her vows. YOU have done nothing to deserve this YOU are the victim she needs to come to you in genuine repentance for what she has done not you go to her begging for her to allow you to be her plan B. I would recommend you go dark and take some days off leave you phone off she is an adult she can handle the kids and get your head on straight right now you are to desperate to make it work she will prey on that.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mrmatt72 said:


> Idk why om never comes up denial by me? I will bring it up next time she calls. And I will snoop. She sent her gf over on day to calm me down as her stuff was in the bath tub taking a nice soak. Yes I was mad mad.


You've been acting emotionally (understandable) and that may give you some sort of satisfaction - but very unhelpful and really sorta childish and in her eyes - probably unmanly. 

Start being confident. Act with confidence and confidence will come to you. Don't appear needy to her. Let her know the sun doesn't shine out of her butt. You can and will do fine if you must. 

These are the things she will respect. At the moment she has no respect for you. And you know it.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

So how do I expose the affair with out humiliating her to the point of hating me I do want my life back


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't concern yourself with how she will react!!!

If she complains tell her your doing your job as head of a household and head of family. As long as you are married you will do what you can to protect the marriage. If she doesn't like it. Tough. 

I'm serious. Don't be trying to second guess her. If she comes around she will thank you for keeping the family together. 

But your current activities will NOT work. Not at all. You must be firm. Not vindictive - firm. 

You're the leader of the family. Act like it.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

You know what your all 
absolutely right I'm being a sissy I do want her back. Good advise. So let her come to me when I am ready?? I just got the 180 I will read it


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

On exposing her A any ways to do that with out hurting our kids any more then they are?? They know what's going on I don't want what I do to scare them any more then what her actions have done.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The OM may have a girlfriend. You want to find out what you can about him in that regard. If he has one - expose to her. 

If I were in your shoes I'd expose the affair to her parents - let them know a divorce may be in the offing if she doesn't end the affair. Don't be weepy or emotional with them either. Just matter of fact. Do it by phone if you can't do it face to face. 

Does the OM work with your wife? Are they in any social groups together? Have friends in common with you?

Does your wife's gf who came to calm you down know about the affair? If not, and if she's a close friend to your wife AND not an enabler to the affair - expose to her too.

It doesn't have to be a broadcast. Targeted to those who may have influence over your wife. And not vindictive. Facts only. 

"she's having an affair, I'm not going to be in a marriage with 3 people in it, I'm contacting a lawyer and protecting myself and my kids. If she doesn't break it off and I mean break it off now and forever, we're going to be done with no going back. It's in her hands and mine. I hope you understand."


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Her gf knows and I believe is supporting her the om is a school friends friend she says. He is in a divorce him self She claims the om has nothing to do with the break up (ya right)


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

Should I put something on her face book page. I don't have a face book but she ain't that smart I have her pass word to all her social media accounts?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't take her word for anything. She may be telling the truth about the om's marital status but don't count on it. It wouldn't be the first time a wayward spouse protected their lover. 

Look into it. Find out where he works or lives. Don't count on anything she or her friend tells you. Do you know is phone number? (don't talk to him - ever)


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

No I don't know his phone number. She does not work with him he does not have a job that I know is a fact.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mrmatt72 said:


> Should I put something on her face book page. I don't have a face book but she ain't that smart I have her pass word to all her social media accounts?


Some here would advocate doing that. I personally don't see value in that. IMO it's petty. But if you have access to her accts keep monitoring them. Do you have access to her car? 

If so, place a voice activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car secured with heavy duty velcro. Be sure the VAR is noiseless. You may be able to get some information that way. 

Are you back in your home? If so, be sure to move back into the master bedroom. Be firm about that. It's your home. If she doesn't like it she's welcome to the couch or floor.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

No I am out of the house been 9 day today. I stay at folks about hr away the home we live in is my parents second home they own it we have lived there 10 yrs I own her car we are not legally married I we were married in a church no marriage licence


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Wow. Get back in there and stay there. If she wants to go - let her go but the kids stay. The things you've been doing were reactive but not helpful. Time to take control. Regain your home and your bedroom. 

You need to get to an atty as soon as you can to ensure stability for your kids.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

I do not know if moving home would be good for me I'm really hurt and seeing the love of my life running off to do some bead beat may be more then I can deal with at least emotionally any was this is the only advice I have resistance to how would I deal with that?????


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

This is where you have to be strong. If she has the gall to walk tell her the doors will be secure at 11PM. Let her keep her keys to the house but get a bolt to secure the doors. Make her knock on the door if she's late. Don't argue with her. 

At the moment she's making you leave the house like a dog with it's tail between the legs. Stop it! 

It's your home. I understand you don't want to lose her. But guess what? You're doing everything to show her she's right about you!

She has no respect because you can be bossed around. You've acted like a whiny child. Her OM takes what he wants and probably doesn't put up with any krap. She respects that. 

Take what's yours - your home. Your bedroom. Your dignity. Your integrity. Be strong.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

OK I'll do that she has no say in what I do she threw the life away not me. I see what your saying she has her cake and eating it to in my darn house! I can see every ones point im the door mat right now that makes me look like a wimp. She will come back crawling when she is good and ready I know that internally. Just me. OK that said why would she think she can do that come and go be an a hole to me what goes through there head to make them cheat and be a jerk like they are in the right????


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

mrmatt,

Just keep that attitude from your last post going forward.

Get back in the house and start putting your foot down.

Let her know there are consequences to her selfish behavior.

She can leave if she wants separation. Tell her to have the jobless bum POS come get her and take care of her if she wants him so bad.


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## mrmatt72 (Jun 8, 2013)

I'm going to I have had my head in the sand avoiding the A it the reason our life is falling apart the relationship was not perfect we were trying then this sure i want my life back sure I want my family back she should she her actions are wrong and I'm the good man not the bum with no JOB


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

mrmatt72 said:


> I do not know if moving home would be good for me I'm really hurt and seeing the love of my life running off to do some bead beat may be more then I can deal with at least emotionally any was this is the only advice I have resistance to how would I deal with that?????


If she runs off to be with him, kick her ass out if the house. The reality of the situation is painful and ugly, but what does burying your head in the sand accomplish? Humans are incredibly resilient. She may be the love of your life, but you will live without her. Time to inject a little steel into your backbone, chief. You can do this! The only person that can stop you is you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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