# Worst Father’s Day Ever



## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

All was going well on Father’s Day until we went to lunch with my mum and dad. During lunch my wife started shooting me dagger looks and I knew something was wrong. I rushed dinner and we left. In the car I found out that she was upset because I had accepted a father’s day gift my mum gave me. The gift was just some steak knives, we have no steak knives so I thought they might be useful. She said I should have refused it. I said I would throw them away when we got home, she said we had to find a bin before we got home. In the last few weeks my wife has set rules for me that I was not to accept anything my mum dropped off and to put it in the bin, I did not realise this extended to gifts. 

Once my wife gets upset she stays upset for days. She will not talk to me except for bringing up things I have done wrong. She will not do anything for me and when she cooks she does not make any for me. This is a problem now as I’m not allowed to have my own food so I go without dinner when she is upset now. She also doesn’t let me go upstairs now, and makes me sit in the same room as her even though she will not speak except for bringing things up. She throws my possessions out so gradually I will have noting of my own.

After a few days her anger wears off and she acts like nothing has happened and she will even suggest ways of constructively fixing our issues. Only problem is something will set her off again and we start again. This occurs about every 4 weeks. This has been going on for years but has got worse she had our second child.

All this I can put up with and never say or do anything that would upset her. But I am now terrified that I will say or do the wrong thing around her so I can’t really be myself and relax so am struggling with our relationship.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Dude, this does not sound like a normal relationship to me. You're not ALLOWED to accept gifts from your mother? You're not ALLOWED to make your own dinner?! You're not ALLOWED to go upstairs?! She throws away your belongings?! 

(Now I need to go buy a new bag of interrobangs. Used 'em all up.)

I wouldn't want to stay married to somebody that controlling. In fact, I made the decision not to be. Best move I ever made.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

You should not be putting up with this, please get therapy. Why do you give her so much control?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Father's day. Wasn't that in June?

How long have you been married?

Why doesn't she want you to accept things from your mother?

Your wife is seriously emotionally abusing you. Why are you putting up with this? No one should stay in a marriage where they are treated like this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What would your wife do if you just made yourself food and ate it?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Father's day. Wasn't that in June?
> 
> How long have you been married?
> 
> ...


He might be in Aussie EG, Fathers day was yesterday here.


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## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

Thanks for the replies and support. Yes I'm in Australia. We have been married 7 years. I can make my own dinner, problem is there's no food to make it as she throws it out. I've tried talking to her, I said "Please don't treat me like this" that did not go down well at all, she was angry for about a week. I don't know how to talk to her.

Having verbalized this right now I've realized I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown. I'm shaking and almost crying at work isn't going to look good. There's a relationship councilor in my area but they are only open 2 half days a week during business hours and its hard to get time off work. I will have to wait until they are open tomorrow afternoon.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Boy oh boy....

I thought I heard it all....

I don't even know if I should invest my time on this OP.


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## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

Yes I know its pathetic and I should be able to deal with this myself. I'm just out of ideas.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Waxy said:


> Yes I know its pathetic and I should be able to deal with this myself. I'm just out of ideas.


The way you deal with a person who is this abusive is that you leave them. No person who is ok in the head abuses their spouse this way.

How does she treat the children? Does she abuse them too?

Why don't you leave her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you cannot get to counseling too quickly, There is a good that I think will help you. It's written about men who are abusive. But I think that if you just flip the genders it will tell you why your wife is doing this. The book is 


Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Does anyone else know that she treats you like this? Do you have extended family near you?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Waxy said:


> All this I can put up with and never say or do anything that would upset her. But I am now terrified that I will say or do the wrong thing around her so I can’t really be myself and relax so am struggling with our relationship.


Why are you so afraid to stand up to her?


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## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> The way you deal with a person who is this abusive is that you leave them. No person who is ok in the head abuses their spouse this way.
> 
> How does she treat the children? Does she abuse them too?
> 
> Why don't you leave her?


No she doesn't abuse them but she doesn't allow them to have presents from friends and family and throws out their toys.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Waxy said:


> No she doesn't abuse them but she doesn't allow them to have presents from friends and family and throws out their toys.


So, she abuses the children too? You need to get out of this asap, you can't raise children in this environment. Was she like this before marriage?


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## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> Why are you so afraid to stand up to her?


Ok I will stand up to here. Just need the right thing to say.

How about "What am I doing to upset you?"
And she will answer "I told you not to accept anything else from your mum"
Me: "I didn't know it included gifts."

Then what do I say?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Waxy said:


> Thanks for the replies and support. Yes I'm in Australia. We have been married 7 years. I can make my own dinner, problem is there's no food to make it as she throws it out. I've tried talking to her, I said "Please don't treat me like this" that did not go down well at all, she was angry for about a week. I don't know how to talk to her.
> 
> Having verbalized this right now I've realized I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown. I'm shaking and almost crying at work isn't going to look good. There's a relationship councilor in my area but they are only open 2 half days a week during business hours and its hard to get time off work. I will have to wait until they are open tomorrow afternoon.


If you are seriously on the edge right now call Lifeline 
13 11 14

take a deep breath and get some help.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Waxy said:


> Ok I will stand up to here. Just need the right thing to say.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



How about go **** yourself. You miss the point. You are handing her complete control and domination over you. You don't actually need to answer to her. Clarify throwing the food out. There's nothing in your home? You buy each meal directly before cooking it? How long has she been like this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Waxy said:


> Ok I will stand up to here. Just need the right thing to say.
> 
> How about "What am I doing to upset you?"
> And she will answer "I told you not to accept anything else from your mum"
> ...


Nope, not that... try this....

You: "What are you upset about?"

Her: "I told you not to accept anything else from your mum"

You: "Let me make something 100% clear to you. I will accept gifts from my mum. You are out of line trying to control what gifts I accept."

Her: She goes into a rage and starts yelling at you.

You: "I will not listen to your ugly, angry outbursts"... then you take your children to another room and lock the door.

If she goes nuts, yelling and wants to rip the door down you call the local version of 911 (emergency number). Let them hear her threatening you. Make sure that you have your cell phone with you at all times.

I also suggest that you go out and get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on you, turned on, at all times when you are at home and around her. If you stand up to her, this is going to get ugly. Whatever you do, do not raise your voice. Do not get physical. Just state the point you have to make and walk away.

We teach people how to treat us. For years now you have been teaching your wife that she can mistreat you. So she's done what you have allowed. When you start standing up to her she's going to go ballistic. You have to let her do that. But you need to protect yourself and your children from her.. so get the VAR. Your children do not need for you to be accused of abusing her and thrown out of the house.

You also need to go see a lawyer and find out your rights. If you can get your children at least 50% of the time, it would be better for them. Then they too can spend time away from their abusive mother.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

And just to clarify, does your mother use your house as a dumping ground for all sorts of stuff? Give us some detail to work with. Are there reasons your wife is saying the things she says?


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## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

SadandAngry said:


> And just to clarify, does your mother use your house as a dumping ground for all sorts of stuff? Give us some detail to work with. Are there reasons your wife is saying the things she says?


Yes my mum used to use our house as a dumping ground. I agreed to throw out anything she gave us. Hence the misunderstanding about the gift.


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## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Nope, not that... try this....
> 
> You: "What are you upset about?"
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. I understand that's an action I could take but I could also wait until she calms down and then have a constructive conversation with her. I'm a nice guy and the perfect husband, I think she's got some mental problem I need to help her with.


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## Waxy (Sep 7, 2015)

Personal said:


> You do realise that the term "nice guy" is a euphemism for being a not nice passive aggressive doormat? I will also add that no one is the perfect husband not even you.
> 
> As others have already suggested, I encourage you to get some professional help for your own problems.
> 
> That said regarding problems, let's not pretend you are the knight in shining armour here. Although your wife's behaviour is woeful, your willingness to enable such behaviour is also a problem. Why on earth do you think you can help/fix her when you yourself facilitate such behaviour?


Yes its my fault for letting it happen. I need to find a way of stopping it happening. I have no idea how.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Waxy said:


> Yes its my fault for letting it happen. I need to find a way of stopping it happening. I have no idea how.


I gave you the name of a book to read. It will help you start to know how.

There is another one "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You need to read it.

You said above that you are a prefect husband. I want to kindly disagree with you. Why? Because your passive aggressive. You let your wife mistreat you and then you hold it against her. It's a way of you proving to yourself that you are superior and a perfect husband and a "Nice Guy". Nice Guys are not nice at all. They are manipulators. Please read the book so you understand.

Another reason that I say that you are not a perfect husband is that a good spouse helps the other person be the best person they can be. By you allowing your wife to emotionally abuse you and your children, you are encouraging her to be the very worst person she can be.

If you were a perfect husband, the first time she behaved that way, you would have gently and firmly told her that this was not going to happen. That you will not tolerate her treating you like that. That's what a perfect husband does... he does not let his wife deteriorate into a frustrated, angry, controlling woman. 

Now I know I'm being harsh on you. I'm doing it to wake you up. It's important that we all be able to look at our own flaws. Until we do that, we cannot change.

So two very good books have been suggested to you. If you can read those and get some counseling you might be able to lead your wife out of his hell you both are living in.... and that you both are putting your children through.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Step 1 would be to work on the fear you have for your wife. You scramble and she knows you fear her. It gives her control over you. 

If she did something really reprehensible you'd regret not having stood up to her sooner. Her behavior is going to be very damaging for your kids and all they'll see is what you do or do not do, and imprint those lessons.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Your wife does indeed sound like she has a mental problem. I can kinda understand her wanting to throw away everything your mom "dumps" at your house because my mom tends to "gift" me with a bunch of crap she can't bring herself to throw out either, and it can get annoying . However, your wife seems incapable of differentiating between crap and a gift you actually need and would use. Very odd. Why does she throw away the kids gifts and toys?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Holy crap. No way would I tolerate that BS and abuse to either myself or my children. You tell her that you will NOT throw out gifts from your mother and she will stop her behavior or you will throw her out!

Geez, what a B....

And dude, man the heck up.


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