# Looking for support/advice as I move through this



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I know we all have our own timelines... Some sudden and abrupt, some not so much. Mine is definitely in the latter category. While I am still hurt and very angry that he is choosing to end our marriage and we are not going to try to save it, I also am slowly reaching a point where maybe, just maybe, I get it. That's really hard for me to say, but it need to see that out there. 

I haven't been happy for a long time. I do the grocery shopping, the majority of the cooking, and all of the cleaning, unless we are prepping for an event. I also work full time and until recently, was also in school. The majority of my own meltdowns over the years have been because I have been frustrated about being the maid. He doesn't compliment me, as I stated in this thread: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...-journal-making-about-me-now.html#post7709537

We also have some weird friend/family stuff, like I also mentioned. I'm very much a person who thinks if there are two people I really like and get along with, then they might like each other, too. Then we can all have fun together! Him... not so much. It's been 20 years, and he still has this your people/my people wall. 

So, let's say that I reconcile with the fact that we are divorcing. (Ok, I don't have a choice, but let's say I get a little more on board with it.) We still live together and can't really tell the kids until probably June. I'm not comfortable telling more than the two people I have told until the kids know. Even if I am a little more at peace with this, I still feel a little bi***y about wanting him to actually file. Is that childish? Again, I love him and am willing to work, even with all the stuff I said above. BUT... I am also starting to wonder how long we can live like this. How long can we "pretend" for the rest of the world? 

So... If you're still reading, thanks. My question is in regard to your experiences. How long did you hold out, even when you knew it was over? Did you take time to make it right for the kids, to get finance in order, that sort of thing? Is what we are doing that unusual? 

Please... Any feedback would be appreciated!


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I don't have children but feel we share some similarities as far as our role in the marriage. I stayed in the house about a month after he first told me it was over. I was working and going to school. He completely blindsided me. I told him he needed to give me time to get things in order before I got out. I only told to people about what was going on while he bragged that he had already told all his friends and family. I found out he was seeing someone he went to high school with as well while I was still in the home but staying on the other side of the house. He forced me out of the home. Packed up all my things and had them stored in the garaged when I came home from being gone for 2 days. The longer I stayed in the home the more tension built. 

If it's possible either you or him should move out of the home. It looks better on you if the kids stay with you when it comes to the court system. It takes a long time to heal especially if divorce wasn't something you wanted. It's been almost 3 months since I've been out of the house. Month 2 was the worst for me. After I started focusing on eating right and exercising again I started to feel better. It's a hard process and I think it's even harder when you have to see the person. My advice is try to separate from him as soon as you can and take care of yourself first.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks for the input, ICLH. We are on the brink of some major life changes to begin with, which is why divorcing right now is just not practical. In a few months, our youngest will be 18, so custody won't even come into play. You are definitely right about needing to focus on ourselves, though. I've been just kind of doing my own thing and making exercise a high priority. Even while housework is not getting done because of it.  It is helping, for sure. 
But I do still (often!) have random thoughts that kind of flow out like last night, when I am just trying to figure this all out. 
Thanks again.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

ICLH....your husband sound like a first class Jerk!


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