# Had enough?



## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

:scratchhead:Where to start? Husband a stone waller, buries head in sand if ever confronted with a problem. If I ever need to talk I am being confrontational. Get the idea. Was ready to leave earlier this year after a long period of the silent treatment but after seeking advice from a solicitor he told me he thought he was depressed so I decided to stay and help him and work things out. He has now had a diagnosis from doctor which he is in total denial of. If he takes the medication prescribed it is reversible if not he is putting his life in danger. He point blank refuses to go to any clinic appointments or take medication. I'm very frustrated and angry that he is not thinking of his family. He is very angry at me because I told the doctor of his decision.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

I could have wrote this post myself! apart from the diagnosis part. My partner hasnt been diagnsed with depression. But he is a big deal breaker! And do you know what - Im confrontational too! - according to him. I believe I am bringing up something that should be resolved.
I have tried the calm approch, counselling, writing a letter but im not getting through!
Im sorry I dont have advise for you. But you can let me know how you get on through your journey


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

Hi Family girl

Glad you can relate. My husband is a lovely person until I tell want to discuss something his behaviour or lack of help around the house, drinking etc. He just stares at me, then says have you finished and walks off in to another room. If I try to carry it further he says what now? He then does not speak to me for days and I always have to go to him and ask can we sort this out. Usually nothing gets resolved. What could be resolved in one discussion just gets build up to resentment. I have no respect for him anymore. I have loads more to moan about if you want listen?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

1cheesedoff said:


> My husband is a lovely person until I tell want to discuss something his behaviour or lack of help around the house, drinking etc. He just stares at me, then says have you finished and walks off in to another room.


It seems from his perspective, you are nagging him. Maybe you aren't, but I have no way of actually knowing.

But one thing is apparent: your method isn't working. He may "hear" what you are saying as being judgmental and lecturing. And nobody wants to hear a litany of their faults. It's a no-win situation.

My estranged husband did the exact same thing to me. I realized that me telling him his excessive drinking bothered me was getting me nowhere. He didn't want to stop drinking; in fact, he resented me for butting into his business.

So I let it go. I also walked out the door almost five years ago. He'd had enough of my lecturing. I'd had enough of his drinking. 

Something to consider. JMO.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

REQUIRE that he take his meds. Tell him it is non-negotiable. If they were prescribed to him, it is VERY important that he take them.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> REQUIRE that he take his meds. Tell him it is non-negotiable. If they were prescribed to him, it is VERY important that he take them.


Bad advice my brother committed suicide over prescribed meds, you should never force anyone to take meds if they don't want to....he was being a "good patient" now he's dead..you don't want to be the one forcing things on another person


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

prodigal thanks. You are talking my kind of language. Good for you, I hope you have a lovely life now. Not being nosey but have you?


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

How can you force someone. He is in complete denial of his condition wont even go to Doctors or hospital appointments. Very angry has I betrayed him to docs and wants apology which he s not going to get as I can not be dory for trying to help him. He is the most stubborn man I know Grrrrrrrrrrr!


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

I think I haven't explained very well. He self diagnosed depression. The meds are for something else. He has had a mini stroke...... cholesterol through the roof, high likelihood of full blown stroke within a year


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

1cheesedoff said:


> I think I haven't explained very well. He self diagnosed depression. The meds are for something else. He has had a mini stroke...... cholesterol through the roof, high likelihood of full blown stroke within a year


Would he listen to a member of his family? He is in serious danger if he does not keep his cholesterol under control. Second strokes cold be fatal. Does he really value his life so little and does he think about what will happen to you and the kids if he is not around? 
His stubbornness is astonishing.
Try and get someone else to put some sense into his head as he obviously is not listening to you.

In the worst case tell him you are leaving if he does not take his meds.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

1cheesedoff said:


> ... I hope you have a lovely life now. Not being nosey but have you?


I've dealt with quite a few struggles, disappointments, and downright hardship since I left my husband.

But I've survived. And I'm far stronger for it. I learned I certainly don't need a man in my life to be happy. In fact, I truly enjoy living alone with my two cats.

In hindsight, I don't think I was cut out for marriage. But that's just me ...


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

So pleased prodigal. Would swap mine for 2 cats at moment. Had a bit of a breakthrough. He has promised to speak to GP, not much but a start.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

1cheesedoff said:


> I think I haven't explained very well. He self diagnosed depression. The meds are for something else. He has had a mini stroke...... cholesterol through the roof, high likelihood of full blown stroke within a year


There are other ways to treat cholesterol problems if he's adverse to medication. If you're the one who cooks, the best way you could help is through changes to his diet. Rather than nagging him to take pills, do something more constructive. Get him on a high good fat (avocado etc) diet, low sugar etc. All the research is out there, just waiting for people to sit up and take notice.

I'm not saying this because I want to push alternative medicine etc, saying it because he obviously hates being nagged about it. It won't help your marriage to continue down this path.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

1cheesedoff said:


> So pleased prodigal. Would swap mine for 2 cats at moment.


So do it. 



1cheesedoff said:


> Had a bit of a breakthrough. He has promised to speak to GP, not much but a start.


Oh, I get it ... you are hanging around based on hopes he may do something. In other words, WHAT IF rather than WHAT IS. Lady, I'm here to tell you that you are wasting the one precious life you have waiting for someone else to get their act together.

Even if he does, what does that have to do with you? Sounds like you are pinning your happiness on what he does.

Sad, sad, sad.


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

Thank you all for your support. Helps to have someone else's take on the matter. 

I have come to the point where I don't walk on egg shells and say exactly what I think which does not go down very well. I thought i had a breakthrough last night but back to the same old SH.T today. Just walking round not making conversation, tension. Very hard to leave but very bloody hard to stay too. I think something will make me decide and I will only go once and then there will be no going back. What would we do without friends. 

He gave me a gob full a couple of weeks ago which I find very hard to forgive. When I asked for an apology he told me he was only doing what i had asked him to do. As I told him I would rather him scream and shout rather than give me the silent treatment. (Am I flogging a dead horse)?

Thank you prodigal you are straight talking and I like that.x


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

1cheesedoff said:


> I thought i had a breakthrough last night but back to the same old SH.T today. Just walking round not making conversation, tension. Very hard to leave but very bloody hard to stay too.


When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you WILL leave. Until then, you are sitting around waiting for a "breakthrough." Like I said, you are sitting around waiting for the great WHAT IF. It's not that hard to leave. Believe me. Only you are holding you back. 



1cheesedoff said:


> (Am I flogging a dead horse)?


Yes. But you are getting something out of it. Why keep hounding the man? Just leave him alone. Don't engage. Go out and live your life. 

You aren't going to like this, but you are being manipulative every time you get into these no-win arguments and situations. 

There are people who post on TAM for years complaining about their partners. But that is all they ever do: complain.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Seriously.


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

1cheesedoff said:


> Hi Family girl
> 
> Glad you can relate. My husband is a lovely person until I tell want to discuss something his behaviour or lack of help around the house, drinking etc. He just stares at me, then says have you finished and walks off in to another room. If I try to carry it further he says what now? He then does not speak to me for days and I always have to go to him and ask can we sort this out. Usually nothing gets resolved. What could be resolved in one discussion just gets build up to resentment. I have no respect for him anymore. I have loads more to moan about if you want listen?


Moan all you need. Im happy to listen. Its nice to know Im not the only one in the world going through this! HAve you tried a break from each other? maybe if he is missing you he will re-think how he treats you. I tried a break although it didnt work for me as my OH can stay stubborn forever and I cant! He went o his family (big family) on the break and took the kids for 3 nights. His family looked after the kids while he done what he wanted including a **** load of porn (he confesed) ME on the other hand was here with my eldest son and have no other family as they have passed- they break nearly destryoed me. When he came back he was still stubborn and well rested - I wasnt stubborn and not rested at all thinking about our situation the whole time when he said he enjoyed himself and didnt think about us at all!
But a break may work for you 2


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

Family girl...Thanks. I don't mean to moan its just sorting it out in your head hurts....easier to write it down. OMG you are going through it.. I had meltdown last night and said I was sick of the way he treats me and cant bear the silence any more. I am backing off and taking care of myself.. Yes I am planning a break but I'm not going to tell him till I've gone. Like you Im not expecting miracles. How old are your children?


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

1cheesedoff said:


> Family girl...Thanks. I don't mean to moan its just sorting it out in your head hurts....easier to write it down. OMG you are going through it.. I had meltdown last night and said I was sick of the way he treats me and cant bear the silence any more. I am backing off and taking care of myself.. Yes I am planning a break but I'm not going to tell him till I've gone. Like you Im not expecting miracles. How old are your children?


Good. Just plan your break - that will make him think! Kids are 7, 1 and 11 weeks. I would love just to clear off and book myself for a spa break and not tell him but unfortunatly i have to talk to him regarding kids etc. Do you have kids?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1cheesedoff said:


> He then does not speak to me for days and I always have to go to him and ask can we sort this out. Usually nothing gets resolved. What could be resolved in one discussion just gets build up to resentment. I have no respect for him anymore. I have loads more to moan about if you want listen?





1cheesedoff said:


> I have come to the point where I don't walk on egg shells and say exactly what I think which does not go down very well. I thought i had a breakthrough last night but back to the same old SH.T today. Just walking round not making conversation, tension.
> 
> As I told him I would rather him scream and shout rather than give me the silent treatment. (


I have lived this situation before. It's not good or healthy. You feel as if you can't have any difference of opinion or state how you feel if it not exactly his way. Walking on eggshells is a bad way to have a relationship.

Stonewalling, in a pattern, is emotional abuse. Withholding basic conversation from your spouse for days/weeks on end over and over again does not make a loving relationship - it tears it down.

People who do this usually get worse over time.

I ended mine by leaving. Decided I was mentally exhausted and did not want to live that way anymore. What is the point of a relationship if your partner won't even speak to you? Being ignored is invalidating and makes you feel awful. People who haven't lived this dynamic will never understand how demeaning and awful it can feel.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship | Psychology Today

Stonewalling in Abuse

Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling


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## 1cheesedoff (Jul 5, 2014)

Jelly bean Thank you so much for that. You are so right. I feel stronger today but had meltdown over weekend. I think he is playing mind games too. I honestly cant stand the sight of him.

Family girl
Aw bless you the children are so young. It is going to be a long time till they grow up. I think I have always had these thoughts in the back of my mind but being so busy with the children you tend to put it on the back burner and get on with it. My children are 14 and 15 so I now feel they will understand better but the thought of breaking up their family home is a killer. I think if you feel that bad now how bad will it get for you in the future. You should be having all the help with those little ones. This must be taking the shine of having a 11 week old baby to look after. You sound like such a lovely person and I hope you have lovely friends and family close to you. Don't keep it to yourself. If ever you want to chat. Chin up x


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Take out a very, very large life insurance policy on him. Make sure he knows you have.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Take out a very, very large life insurance policy on him. Make sure he knows you have.


Steak and eggs for breakfast, ice cream every night.

While my dad Was fighting cancer this was his threat he had already suffered a heart attack and he thought it was a much better way to go.

But seriously With your youngest 14 and him courting another Stroke I can see why waiting him out seems like a good option. One thing to consider is that older children also find the divorce of their parents difficult. More maturity gives them more resources to call on but it is still a challenge. 
Really you are hurt by watching him do this to himself. You see his pain and it hurts you. I've never felt the you are abandoning us by not taking care of yourself emotion. I'm sure it exists but I'm just not wired for it. I supported my fathers decisions about his cancer treatment. 
I know how alone you must feel when he stone walls you. Only you can decide how much staying is worth to you.
MN


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