# Am I doing the right thing by getting married?



## LilNanu (Jan 22, 2013)

Hi there.
This is my first time posting and I am truly hoping to get some advice.

My question may sound silly, but I am genuinely concerned about my decision. I am a 22 year old female and from what I've been told for the last few years, very mature for my age. I'm currently engaged to a very loving man who is 33. Despite our gap in age, it has never been a concern for us and we were great friends for 3 years prior to us dating. He has 2 children of his own but is in a situation where he hasn't seen them in over a year. ***** of an ex-wife. Regardless of that, were set to be married this Friday, January 25th, and I have one concern that is keeping me from being completely and 100% ready.

My Fiance had a vasectomy before we started seeing each other and from the way things sound, if it's reversed there isn't much hope for him to father another child. I know right now that I am not ready to be a mother, but it has certainly crossed my mind. 

What will happen in 5 years time? I could change my mind and it could potentially be a deal breaker for us...how unfair is that to him...

I've addressed my concerns with him and he says while it would crush him if that was the case down the line, he is still willing to take a chance and very much wants to still get married.

I know the decision is ultimately up to me, but I'm having such a hard time deciding if I should postpone the marriage until I fully understand if having a child is a desire of mine, or do I get married to the love of my life and just "see what happens?"

Thank you so much for any insight <3


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

You could always have artificial insemination with a sperm donor. I think the real challenge is being a stepmom. I have stepkids. Even though his kids aren't in his life right now you never know when or if this is going to change. Go to steptalk.org and read some of the posts there.


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## LilNanu (Jan 22, 2013)

Thank you for the reply. I guess I should have added that he isn't comfortable with the idea of artificial insemination. He said it would be hard for him knowing that he isn't the father. It's difficult accepting that but I have. I know adoption is another way of going but I feel that we may never have that kind of money saved up.

I definitely agree about the stepmom part. Thanks for including the website because I know I'll need some help should his kids become a bigger part of his life.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Even if his ex is a ***** or whatever he claims why isn't he seeing his children?

I would be wary of marrying a man who didn't value his children enough to do everything in his power to have a good ongoing relationship with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LilNanu (Jan 22, 2013)

Oh, please believe me when I say he has and is doing everything humanly possible to be a part of their lives. I see him struggling literally every day so that has never been an issue. But I can absolutely see how that would make someone cautious.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

LilNanu said:


> Oh, please believe me when I say he has and is doing everything humanly possible to be a part of their lives. I see him struggling literally every day so that has never been an issue. But I can absolutely see how that would make someone cautious.


If he has done everything humanly possible why doesn't he see them? Sorry but it just doesn't ring true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

You can harvest the sperm still from a man who has had a vasectomy.
I know a family who went on to have 5 more children after a vasectomy by using invitro. 
You have to harvest your eggs, his sperm, combine them however they do it & make fertilised eggs, bit of a process, but it can be done should you desire kids down the track.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Littledeer, perhaps the ex has fled the country. Perhaps she has leveled false accusations against him. There are a multitude of reasons why she would be able to keep his children from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

LilNanu,

This is a huge decision you need to make in just a few days. Have you asked your fiance how he'd feel if you postponed for a few months?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I would postpone the wedding. If he can't have kids and you want kids, then this is a dealbreaker. 22 is very young to decide if you want kids or not. It has crossed your mind now, but as you get older, and your friends have kids, and you have that deep tug in your heart, that thought that just 'crossed your mind' might obsess your mind. I didn't have kids til 33 - I just wasn't ready. I don't even think it crossed my mind when I was 22, but at least when I got married at 23, it was something me and my husband wanted one day - whenever that day might be.

Why did your husband get a vasectomy so young? Although it's hard to decide right now if you want kids or not, knowing that it will never happen for you is just too big a decision to make, especially when you are unsure.


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## LilNanu (Jan 22, 2013)

I really do appreciate the concern, *LittleDeer* but my question wasn't related to his kids and the reason why he is unable to see them isn't an issue in me deciding whether or not I'm going to marry him.


*LittleDeer* said:


> If he has done everything humanly possible why doesn't he see them? Sorry but it just doesn't ring true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LilNanu (Jan 22, 2013)

Thank you Thoreau, I'll just leave it at one of your reasons listed is correct.


Thoreau said:


> Littledeer, perhaps the ex has fled the country. Perhaps she has leveled false accusations against him. There are a multitude of reasons why she would be able to keep his children from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LilNanu (Jan 22, 2013)

He couldn't have been more amazing when I talked to him about it, despite it being such a hard topic. He said that regardless of my decision, it wouldn't change things for us. I just don't want to regret going through with it now because I truly do love him and then going to different possibilities down the line as far as options to have a baby.


Toffer said:


> LilNanu,
> 
> This is a huge decision you need to make in just a few days. Have you asked your fiance how he'd feel if you postponed for a few months?


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## LilNanu (Jan 22, 2013)

Thank you very much IslandGirl. He had his other children when he was around my age in his previous marriage and had the vasectomy because he thought that was really it for him. Looking back, we both agree that it wasn't the smartest decision but at the same time, it's hard to see the future. Just like you said in your reply about 22 being too young to decide something like this, I agree. 

I know there are other options to having children too though. A sperm donor is out of the question but regardless of him having a vasectomy is there a way to use his sperm? Or is there a smaller chance of that working due to the vasectomy? I know this is probably a silly question but I've tried doing the research online and am not really finding an answer.


IslandGirl3 said:


> I would postpone the wedding. If he can't have kids and you want kids, then this is a dealbreaker. 22 is very young to decide if you want kids or not. It has crossed your mind now, but as you get older, and your friends have kids, and you have that deep tug in your heart, that thought that just 'crossed your mind' might obsess your mind. I didn't have kids til 33 - I just wasn't ready. I don't even think it crossed my mind when I was 22, but at least when I got married at 23, it was something me and my husband wanted one day - whenever that day might be.
> 
> Why did your husband get a vasectomy so young? Although it's hard to decide right now if you want kids or not, knowing that it will never happen for you is just too big a decision to make, especially when you are unsure.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

If you are unsure. Postpone it. While he feels like this is a "risk" he is willing to take. It could make for a very bad divorce for both of you. Why can't you just continue to date and try to figure it out that way? 

Other then an updated Facebook status, I do not see the point in a marriage right now if you are both stable adults.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If he ends up getting his kids back you will be taking care of kids that are t yours. But he isn't ok with a sperm donor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

LilNanu said:


> Thank you for the reply. I guess I should have added that he isn't comfortable with the idea of artificial insemination. He said it would be hard for him knowing that he isn't the father. It's difficult accepting that but I have. I know adoption is another way of going but I feel that we may never have that kind of money saved up.
> 
> I definitely agree about the stepmom part. Thanks for including the website because I know I'll need some help should his kids become a bigger part of his life.


Adoption? That way neither one of you are the parent, and both of you are.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Honestly, if I were you, I would postpone the wedding until you figure out what you want. If you get married now and you later decide you want kids down the road, it can become a mess and may end in divorce. It would be better to know what you want prior to marriage than figuring it out as you go, as that is unfair to your future spouse. My husband and I have a similar age gap and we both got married knowing what we wanted, which includes children. We're expecting our first this summer.

Figure out what you want first before taking the big step of marrying someone.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I would def postpone...

Also at 22 I didn't know if I wanted kids, wasn't in that mode...now at almost 34, I have one, one on the way and possibly want another one. For ME that would be a dealbreaker, sorry!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you should postpone the marriage.


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