# Confused!!! Hurt!!



## mark 2

My wife left me 4 months ago. Said she doesn't feel the same and does't know if it can be fixed. She left the day after I confronted her about a number I found on our cell bill that she was talking to and texting. She said it was a friend that cares. Well I googled the number and found out it was an x from highschool that lives out of town but they talk for upto 2000 minutes a month plus 1000 texts. She left and thought the kids would want to go with her but they are staying with me at the house. They are 14 and 11 and very much as confused as I am. They still think our family is going to be ok. I try and keep them as normal as possible. It's hard to see their hopes get up when my wife act like everything is fine. It kills me as well. I get mixed feelings. She made me give her her own phone saying it isnt right that I can see who and when she texts people and she can whoever she wants. She says there is nothing going on and with him being out of town I don't know what to think. He is supposably happily married with kids as well. At first she talked about divorce but hasn't lately. I asked for counseling with her and she wouldn't go. Saying noone is going to change her mind. My mother called her to ask what was going on cause she never really acted unhappy we even had the whole family over for christmas were planning our up coming summer. She even called my mom for a recipe 2 days before she left because she wanted to make it for me cause it was my favorite. She started crying and told my mom we should try counseling but she wasn't ready yet. My daughter asked her why aren't you trying mom? She told my daughter she would try counseling when she was ready. She tells my son when he asks when she is coming back home and she tells him she's taking ii day by day. Then about a month and a half ago we finally had a heart to heart talk so I thought. She told me she wanted counseling she just wasn't ready. I said I understand just let me know I'll be waiting. Two days later she text me for his number because I have been going to my Psychologist from the begining she devastated my world and needed help. I gave her his name and number she went a few days later by herself. She told the counselor she really wasn't interested in trying and she has moved on. WTF?!!! The next day she calls me mad as hell cause I went and filed for support. She isn't helping with the kids and not giving me anything. I can't do it alone. I sold my truck I'm trying to keep things together for my kids and our family is it does work out. She told me the counselor said she was fine and didn't need to come back. Well when I went a few days later he said that isn't what he said. He told her if she wasn't interested in trying then there is no sense of coming back and she denied all the symptoms of depression he asked her. We text a few times about the kids afew days later I asked her all I want to know is if we had a chance or not. She said she can't answer that right now. All she knows is that she doesn't feel the same anymore. and if it's meant to be it will be. In the mean time I'm dying inside my kids are suffering I can tell they are starting to resent her. They don't wanna go with her when they are supposed to and get really short tempered with her. She blames that on me as well. Says it's all the bull crap in their heads. I haven't said anything to them. I constantly reassure them their mother loves them and it isn't their fault. My counselor told me too keep everything positive and I have.I'm trying to give her space It's been over amonth since she last told me she didn't know what she wanted. I don't text or call unless it's about the kids. I didn't even send anything for our 15 year aniversary. It killed me. It's the first one that I didn't get her anything or take her to dinner. I just felt she didn't deserve it. Now she acts like nothing is wrong. She walks in the house like she still lives there and sat down on my couch talking to me about stuff like we are best buds. She helps herself to food. Takes sips of my pop and coffee that I am drinking. REALLY!!!! I try not to be rude or nasty because I get the feeling like she is trying to reach out alittle. testing the waters to see if I get mad or start getting all lovey dovey. As much as I want to! I just act like I'm good. She texts me about sporting events back and forth and stuff like there is nothing wrong between us. I don't get it. She moves out doesn't think she should have to pay support buys herself a new car I have to sell mine to keep the house and the kids happy and Im still struggling. She lives with mom is now acting like nothing is wrong and I don't know what to do. She hasn't brought up us or divorce in a few months. My Psychologist says it could be Permenopause, midlife crisis, plus her father just passed away that she was very close to almost a year ago. She is 45 I am 39. I'm trying my damndest. I don't know what else to do. Luckily my kids are very active and keep me busy everyday with sports dance and their friends. Mind you my wife doesn't help with all the running around they do either. Please can someone give me some advice. I'm leaning towards letting her go but she keeps pulling me back with the mixed signs.


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## Almostrecovered

wall of text - wow


please consider going back and inserting breaks and paragraphs as it was difficult to read


for starters you wife is involved in what we call an emotional affair (and probably has gone physical by now)

I highly recommend that you tell OM's wife ASAP

you can't reconcile until she ends the affair

I suggest you read the newbie link in my signature and maybe get a mod to move this to the CWI section


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## iheartlife

Just to put her texting in perspective: my husband was in an EA, 100% verified, and no matter how much he called / emailed / texted the woman, it was a tiny fraction of what you saw on the phone bill. 

2,000 talking minutes (THAT IS 33 HOURS--this is a part time job she's taken on!) you know this is still going on.

"She made me give her her own phone"
can you explain to us what that means?

You need to change the locks on the doors and keep it locked when you're home. She moved OUT, she needs to experience REALITY. What's the worst that could happen? That's she'll divorce you? I highly doubt reclaiming control over that one part of your life will make a lick of difference in that department.

Right now you're a walking doormat. She waltzes in to her home and drinks your soda. Then she waltzes out again to share her heart with another. I say this with love and respect to you as a fellow hurting human being: grow a spine or you will not save your marriage.

If the OM is married, gather evidence to expose them as AR has suggested.


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## mark 2

Sorry for the long confusing letter! That's my life right now. iheartlife. I had her phone my phone and my daughters phone all in my name. She wanted her own phone so I couldn't see who or when she was texting. I transfered the number to her so I wouldn't get stuck with the bill. 

I asked my attorney about the locks and he said I'm not allowed till there is a divorce filed because she is on the mortgage. I asked her for the keys and she will not give them back. I took pictures and inventoryed everything of value incase she decides to help herself. I also have been logging all the little bit of time she does have the kids. She tries to spoil them and buys them things I think she is realizing they are not liking her right now. Butit is their mom.

I have checked into refinancing the house in my name but because of our bankruptcy I'm stuck. We have had some hard times I was working doing good so she quit to get her masters degree. Well in the mean time my shop decides to close. I found enother job but not making nearly what I was and she was just part time. We did what we had to survive. I spent my 401K cancelled my life insurance to have extra money. Now that we are almost back on our feet she does this! 

I don't know if it is the stress of her job our finncial problems her dad dying and midlife or permenopuse, depression? I just don't understand how you could give up on 15 years of marriage 18 together and 2 kids? Her x came into her life at the wrong time and she found some happiness there I think. 

I'm doing all I can glad I have good friends and family. My Psychologist and lawyer has helped too! Even though she told me that I need to stop listening to people ! LOL I think she really has some mental issues with all that is going on. She has been on Zoloft for 6 or 7 years now. They probably don't help her anymore or she needs to get something new. 

I'm trying not to be a door mat but I don't wanna push her away farther. I just try to be civil and ignore her like i'm ok.


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## Almostrecovered

well of course she wants her own phone, she doesn't want you to ruin her affair


have you filed yet btw?


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## Almostrecovered

mark 2 said:


> I'm trying not to be a door mat but I don't wanna push her away farther. I just try to be civil and ignore her like i'm ok.



let me make something very clear to you-

You can't nice someone out of an affair

you can't do anything but file for D until the affair is destroyed

that means you expose to the OMW
you expose to her family
you file for D
you separate your finances

start showing hard consequences for her actions, it's your only chance if you want R


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## iheartlife

First, as AR suggested, ask a forum admin to move your thread to Coping with Infedility. You will get way more responses if you do that and you need the advice.



mark 2 said:


> I don't know if it is the stress of her job our finncial problems her dad dying and midlife or permenopuse, depression? I just don't understand how you could give up on 15 years of marriage 18 together and 2 kids? Her x came into her life at the wrong time and she found some happiness there I think.


Well, we are all under bad stress because of one thing or another now and again. That doesn't make us ignore our marriage vows. She's adult, she made a choice. The chilling part is what she's doing to her own children.

I know it's hard to hear this, but being 'nice' may actually be your core problem. Again, you didn't cause this. But somewhere along the line she lost respect for you. Someone will provide a link to the No More Mr. Nice Guy stuff soon enough.

Have you read the links in AR's signature? Have you educated yourself about infidelity? You need to work hard for a few days here getting up to speed so you can take some next steps, you have your work cut out for you if you're trying to reconcile (R).

AR is recommending divorce because it is a big wakeup call to her that she needs to get off the pot. It can always be stalled, delayed, revoked. You are very afraid of D, and she probably knows it only too well. That is why she is doing what she's doing. She has no fear of consequences of any kind from you, she knows she can do whatever she wants and have a good laugh at your expense in the bargain.


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## mark 2

Thanks for the advice. I have got my own account and seperated everthing but the house because of the bankruptcy. I have all the phone records and the log I have been keeping. I guess the next thing is to file. What do I have to lose. I just wory the kids will think I'm the one that gave up with all the false hopes she is giving them.

Everyone has been telling me the same thing. I'm too nice of guy to put up with her and to move on. That i'ved tried all I can try it's on her now!


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## iheartlife

Do you know what exposure is? That is, telling the OM's spouse? It can bring an affair to its knees in certain cases. It's not about humiliation, it's about the fact that out there is another loyal spouse who is living in ignorance of the terrible stuff that is going on under their nose.


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## Almostrecovered

in many cases exposure will cause the OM to throw your wife under the bus so to speak, she will start to realize he isn't Mr Wonderful anymore


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## Shaggy

Exposé the OM to his gf/wife and expose your wife's cheating to her family and yours. Make cheating costly for her and the OM.

Oh, see if you can take back the iPhone account and get a full list if who she is texting,ma spouse has every right to know who their SO is talking to texting. She really sold you a pike of BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mtts

**double post**


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## Mtts

Mark_2

You've been duped hard. Giving her, her own phone was a bad idea. You found her texting someone, you've been married for presumably 15+ years and she thinks that's unreasonable that you'd ask or know?! Think about what's been posted and what you wrote. She didn't want you looking at what she was doing...

Why would any faithful spouse care if their H or W was seeing who they were texting and how often? My wife was texting OM and I asked. She didn't want me to see them, I read them anyway. I read her Facebook messages, I read her emails, I read texts and I said explain. She wouldn't and I walked. She has since slowly been "explaining." She deleted them but it doesn't matter I already saw.

You got to take this one by the horns. It's up to you to start setting ground rules and saying, "you are harming me, your children and yourself." If she doesn't A: care that it's affecting these people and B: destroying 15 years of marriage, that's nothing you can change. You got to assume this is dead in the water and you got to start taking care of you. Believe me when I say I know what your going through. No kids thankfully for me to put through it but tough love is the remedy. She has to know that marriage is a want and not a need. You will be happier without her if this is her mentallity and you'll ultimately find happiness and true fulfillment with another person if she walks away so easily. 

Look up 180 on here and honestly stop trying to fix it. You can't fix whats wrong with her, all you can do is improve you. Get in the gym, keep doing stuff with the kids, go out (as much as possible) with friends/groups. This should be a time to say "You're gone but I'm going to be ok." True strength is living your life even in the face of awful situations. You can't let her run the show as she will see you as unable and uncapable of running your life or a familys. It'll only make her feel more secure in doing this.

Hope to see you get through this and I hope that you do the most important thing, which is follow your intuition and do whats right for you and your kids.


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## This is me

Why is this in the Reconciliation stories area?


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## Almostrecovered

he reposted in CWI


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## Sparkles422

I understand what you are going through and my heart goes out to you 100%. 

These emotional affairs are devastating. I experienced the same with my "ex" and nothing, I mean absolutely, nothing would penetrate his thick noggin. He was out to lunch, on another planet, in fantasy world.

I filed for a divorce and was divorced in July of last year. I was miserable but I had to do what was right by me not my emotions. I was a wreck and could not rely on acting out on how I was feeling.

In January of this year, we began reconciling. I am now living with him after a long time of re-hashing why he did what he did, how I felt because of it and how the trust was destroyed because of his actions. I am still in therapy but I have come a long way in trusting him but I have a long way to go.

I don't know what your road will be but it is good that you are in therapy (might be good for the children too) and there are groups out there that may help.

Eat, get exercise, get sleep and live in the moment only. That's all we really have. When I was going crazy with grief, I would do some of the following to comfort myself:
Watch a fun movie or action movie
Take a walk with the dog
Prepare a home cooked meal
read a good book
play a great game
Swim/exercise
Journal
Pray
Therapy
Support group and close friends

My prayers are with you.


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