# Questioning Myself



## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

I posted on here a few months ago and got some helpful advice. Everyone told me to leave my husband. Being the over-thinker that I am, I decided to give it a little more time and think things through some more. My husband and I have been together for the majority of our lives. Dated off and on in high school and college, married for four years now. No children. We get along fine, but that may be because we rarely spend any time together. We usually do dinner out one evening a week, the rest of the week we see each other in passing. I make dinner most evenings and my husband usually fixes a plate and goes to another room to eat. We don't even sit together in the evenings to watch tv. I'm a fairly active person and like to be outside doing things (fishing, hiking, you name it), my husband is rather lazy and prefers to sit in front of the tv. I also take care of everything at home except cutting the grass. I cook, clean, do the laundry, take care of home repairs (if I'm able to), am the primary person to take care of the pets, etc. I feel very unappreciated for all I do. He even told me once that he works harder than I do...even though we both work full time jobs. 

For over two years now I've been telling him that I'm not happy. That I wish we spent more time together and were more affectionate. I'd ask him to do things, but the answer was always no. If I was able to drag him somewhere, he'd complain the whole time and basically ruin the experience. I'd try sitting to watch tv with him, but always felt unwelcome or like I was an annoyance. Sometimes I would try to put my arms around him or cuddle up in bed and he'd push me away. I'm not an unattractive person, but I believe the fact that he would reject me comes back to his fear of germs. A fear he will not admit is as serious as it is (constantly washing hands, double checking things, always putting down a tissue or napkin before he puts his phone down, etc). Anyway, all of the things I've told him I've been unhappy with have been ignored. Around 6 months ago I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore. That crushed him. It honestly had hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I was unhappy, but I kind of just woke up one day and realized I wasn't in love anymore. It had been a long time coming after being pushed away, neglected and rejected for so long. 

So, during the 6 months since I told him my feelings, nothing has changed. We tried marriage counseling, but got nowhere with it. We would open up and talk in counseling, but that's as far as it went. I'm big on communication and try to express my feelings, however, that only goes one way in our relationship. During that time, we have spent even less time together, haven't had any date nights (unless you count just going to dinner and coming home, nothing romantic about it), and zero intimacy. Two evenings ago, I suggested that we separate and see how we feel a few months down the road. We haven't actually separated yet, but I plan to call a lawyer this week and talk more with my husband to decide what to do. We own a house and have not been there long, so there's some complication there with whether we sell or my husband tries to keep it. 

I'm still very confused and uncertain. I don't want to leave my husband. I love him very dearly, I'm just not in love with him and I don't foresee enough change to (1) be permanent or (2) to make me happy. I guess I'm mainly seeking some opinions to either reassure me that what I'm doing is right or to make me look at things differently. Mainly the things I seek in a marriage are trust, communication, companionship, someone to laugh with, etc. I know I'll never find someone who loves all the same things I do and I'm fine with that. I do enjoy my alone time, but I would like someone to spend some of my life with. Right now I do all the things I love alone. I thank you in advance to taking the time to read and respond to this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You sound done and like you want out, but you are afraid to admit it. I've been there, its a scary thing once you realize that you no longer want to be with your spouse. I can remember telling a friend that this is what I want, but I dont WANT to want it. Your feelings are not wrong, they are very valid, but sometimes it takes a bit to come to terms with that. It doesnt sound to me like he is all that interested in making a real effort for you, I think he just went through the motions with going to MC. It isnt fair to either of you if you stay when you really dont want to be there.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

You need more than love to make things work I am afraid. Being with someone is making you miserable. You might as well be on your own, you seem to be already!

I suspect if you had children, that would be left to you too. My advice would be leave. Find someone who cherishes you, loves you and wants you. You should be a team but you are not even playing the same sport!

I say this because I spent 21 year with someone. 16 of those years were wasted. He was lime your partner but I had kids too. I stayed, hoping he would change / compromise / care. Now I have a husband I adore and who is my best friend. We do everything together but are now too old to have children together. 

Dont waste your life, you deserve so much more. We all do x

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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

A separation on good terms (no adultly, abuse, other drama) might be a really good thing for you and him. You feel trapped and you need to breath. No kids in the picture will really keep things better in a separation so you're not having to hurt the little ones to get some space. 

Good luck and I'm sorry that you're going through this. 


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

You all hit the nail on the head. I am scared, but know I want out. I'm tired of watching life pass me by and feel like I deserve better. And I'm very thankful we have no children. Honestly, the main reason we haven't had any is because I knew I'd be raising them on my own. Thank you all so very much for your support. It helps tremendously to have some positive encouragement and acknowledgement of how I'm feeling.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I remember your story,your husband had a list of problems ranging from OCD to mysophobia along with passive aggressiveness.Did you ever ask him to work on even one of his problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"?


.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Have you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I wish I had of looked into this authors work when my marriage still had a chance. 


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

JBTX said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Have you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"?
> ...



Your marriage still has a chance. I think you would be better off to give it a final shot before you turn 2 lives upside down. I am sure it's not just him at fault.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

confusedgirl7 said:


> I posted on here a few months ago and got some helpful advice. Everyone told me to leave my husband. Being the over-thinker that I am, I decided to give it a little more time and think things through some more. *My husband and I have been together for the majority of our lives. Dated off and on in high school and college, married for four years now. No children. We get along fine, but that may be because we rarely spend any time together.*


There is no point continuing a mistake just because you spent a long time making it. You only get one shot at life.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I remember your story,your husband had a list of problems ranging from OCD to mysophobia along with passive aggressiveness.Did you ever ask him to work on even one of his problems.


Thank you for remembering me. I have asked him numerous times and even brought those issues up in counseling, but he won't admit there's a problem. He sweeps things under the rug..especially the OCD/mysophobia. He gets angry anytime anyone brings it up. It isn't just me who sees it. His parents have tried to get him to seek help for this issue also.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

my prediction is you will be happier with out him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

confusedgirl7 said:


> Thank you for remembering me. I have asked him numerous times and even brought those issues up in counseling, but he won't admit there's a problem. He sweeps things under the rug..especially the OCD/mysophobia. He gets angry anytime anyone brings it up. It isn't just me who sees it. His parents have tried to get him to seek help for this issue also.


It's like I told you the last time.If he won't admit that he has a problem then it's pointless you trying to convince him of it.Either get him to leave or leave yourself.Maybe it will shock him into some sort of reaction.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi @confusedgirl7, I'm really sorry that you're in this situation, and I can honestly say that I know where you're coming from because I've been there, and just got out of it, in fact. Here's a quick rundown on my story:

Met H in 2012, engaged 3 months after our first date, married 10 months after that. We were on the same page and had matching values and goals until after we got married. My goals/values hadn't changed (still wanted a family, still spiritual, still wanted the quiet, settled life), but his had not only changed, but he said that he had never agreed to certain things in the first place. This lead to confusion, frustration and lack of intimacy on both parts, among other things. As a result, we pretty much split off and started living separate lives, together. Essentially, we were roommates who occasionally had sex. I fell out of love with him probably in our first year of marriage, and while I still care a great deal about him, it's more in a big brother/buddy way. About 2 weeks ago, we separated, and it was the hardest thing I've ever initiated, but I can tell you that it was well worth it. I'm loving life, and am getting back to being me a little more everyday. I didn't actually realize just how much the marriage repressed my spirit. I used to be happy and bubbly, but have been reserved and down these past few years.

I'm not saying that separation is right for you, but it could be just what you need. You guys could do a trial separation with no contact for a couple months to see how things go, and then go from there. If you really miss each other, a couple months away will tell you that. This is what H and I are doing; taking 2 months apart with no contact, then we have another appt. with a couple's counsellor to see where things stand.

Good luck with your decision; it's a big one to make! Keep posting here, as you will get some great advice! Also, someone (I believe it was @Satya) recommended a book to someone else in one of the threads awhile ago, and I saw it, and read it. Good, good book, and it's what helped me come to a definite decision: "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum. Here's a link to a free copy:
?????: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This seems to be a common theme I read, and it's what happened in my marriage too. Husband stops trying and making effort to make you happy, wife communicates her unhappiness, husband doesn't change, wife is given no other choice but to leave. 

This is how I see it. Your unhappy, you identify the problem, you hold the solution out on a silver platter to your husband, and he doesn't take It. It's hard to respect a man like that. I felt the same way with my husband.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

These quotes helped give me perspective. Your husband can fix the problem if he wanted to. But he doesn't.


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## confusedgirl7 (Jan 18, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Hi @confusedgirl7, I'm really sorry that you're in this situation, and I can honestly say that I know where you're coming from because I've been there, and just got out of it, in fact. Here's a quick rundown on my story:
> 
> Met H in 2012, engaged 3 months after our first date, married 10 months after that. We were on the same page and had matching values and goals until after we got married. My goals/values hadn't changed (still wanted a family, still spiritual, still wanted the quiet, settled life), but his had not only changed, but he said that he had never agreed to certain things in the first place. This lead to confusion, frustration and lack of intimacy on both parts, among other things. As a result, we pretty much split off and started living separate lives, together. Essentially, we were roommates who occasionally had sex. I fell out of love with him probably in our first year of marriage, and while I still care a great deal about him, it's more in a big brother/buddy way. About 2 weeks ago, we separated, and it was the hardest thing I've ever initiated, but I can tell you that it was well worth it. I'm loving life, and am getting back to being me a little more everyday. I didn't actually realize just how much the marriage repressed my spirit. I used to be happy and bubbly, but have been reserved and down these past few years.
> 
> ...


Yes!!! That's exactly how things are. We've been living completely separate lives for a LONG time now. I mean, we live together, but do nothing together. A few months ago, I started getting back in touch with myself and the things I used to love. I, like you, can't believe how much of me I had left behind when I got married. I've been so much happier in spirit lately and am gaining my bubbly personality back. I've honestly made my decision, I'm just dragging my feet. My two biggest concerns are (1) losing my friend and (2) selling the house. Neither of us can afford it on our own (or at least I can't and he won't). It will be worth it in the long run though. Thank you for sharing your story with me and I'm happy that your life is improving.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

confusedgirl7 said:


> Yes!!! That's exactly how things are. We've been living completely separate lives for a LONG time now. I mean, we live together, but do nothing together. A few months ago, I started getting back in touch with myself and the things I used to love. I, like you, can't believe how much of me I had left behind when I got married. I've been so much happier in spirit lately and am gaining my bubbly personality back. I've honestly made my decision, I'm just dragging my feet. My two biggest concerns are (1) losing my friend and (2) selling the house. Neither of us can afford it on our own (or at least I can't and he won't). It will be worth it in the long run though. Thank you for sharing your story with me and I'm happy that your life is improving.


We were exactly the same way; lived together, but did very little together. Our time together was pretty much when we went travelling, every couple years, and you can't base a relationship on 2--3 weeks every 2 years!

I hear you on dragging your feet, and your fears. Nothing wrong with that; take your time, and things will fall into place when you're ready to take the next step.


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