# I'm destroying a fantastic man...



## HardtoBreath (Jun 29, 2012)

I need advice. From someone, anyone who might be willing to give it.

I'm ready to leave... but I'm afraid of what will happen.

I married my highschool sweetheart, we'll call him H. We were together for three years in highschool. He was immature and a bit manipulative back then, but I had rose colored glasses on. We broke up when he joined the military... and got back together a few different times. Then he completely broke my heart shortly after I turned 18.

Fast forward five years. We barely spoke in that time. I had other relationships. One three year relationship which was amazing for quite some time.

I was particularly depressed Christmas in 2009 and decided to email H to see how he was doing. I wasn't doing well, broke, in a go no where job, with a man that I loved, but was getting upset with quite often.

H and I started talking a lot. Over the next month. I ended up breaking up with my then boyfriend, in hopes that I would figure things out for a bit.

Instead I rushed into a relationship with H. Sadly, H was in the process of moving to another state. We visited back and forth for a few months, then I decided to move in with him. 1000 miles from home.

I moved away two years ago almost to the day. We got engaged November of 2010 and were married in December 2010.

Things have been so up and down. I knew something wasn't right from the beginning... but I wanted it to work so badly. We've been married for a year and a half now. No kids. I haven't had a job, since I've been trying to go to school and figure out what I want to do with my life. I've been trying to fix how I feel about him. I've tried to rekindle the spark I felt in Highschool and how he made me feel the first two months of our relationship...

I loved H and I still do... but not the way a wife should. I'm not attracted to him. His personality is getting on my nerves more and more. I'm so unhappy. Since I moved... I've made almost no friends and the ones I made... have moved away with the Military. I'm so upset all the time. So homesick. 

We're in marriage counseling. I have an emergency appointment in the morning that H will be on speakerphone for... since he's out of state with the military.

I know what I want. I want to go back home and start over. I'm still young. There's no kids involved.

But I'm his world. He would lasso the moon and give it to me if he could. I have never wanted for anything while I've been with him...

But I can't change how I feel. I've tried so hard over the past 6-8 months.

My health is suffering. I've been in some state of "ill" since November of last year. I'm so anxious right now that I constantly shake and have a stomach ache.

I don't want to do this to him... but I don't want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life. And as much as I've tried to change, to learn to love him... it hasn't happened. I'm so tired of fighting that battle every day.

And so I find myself considering a separation/divorce. I honestly don't know how to proceed from here.

How do you tell someone you want to leave? I still care a lot about him and I don't want to hurt him, but for my sake I have to.

We've talked about all of this and all I can do is sit and cry over what I'm doing to him.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

HardtoBreath said:


> And so I find myself considering a separation/divorce. I honestly don't know how to proceed from here.
> 
> How do you tell someone you want to leave? I still care a lot about him and I don't want to hurt him, but for my sake I have to.
> 
> We've talked about all of this and all I can do is sit and cry over what I'm doing to him.


Obviously you have feelings for him, otherwise you would not be crying over this or distressing on how to tell him. Since he is in the military, aren't you already living apart aka "separated"?

Is it that you want to go back home? To the place where your family lives? If so, can you transfer back there first?

Two separate issues are at play here, from what I gather. The first is that you a lonely (alone) and want to be with your family again. The second is your feelings for him. You say you don't love him and yet you do care about him. You cry at the thought of leaving him. Why? Ponder on those feelings. Maybe you actually do love him. Do you think your marriage could work if you lived closer to your family? What do you think would change?

And yes, before you bring children into this world, it is a good idea to ponder on this relationship. You may just finally decide to end this marriage. Or you may discover that you truly love him. Either way, I would suggest that you find a way to get back home first, to the people you know you love. Being in a world of strangers does make things more difficult, especially if your own spouse is not home with you.

Best of luck to you and whatever you decide to do.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you should stay put until your condition is stabilized before you make any decisions. Being married doesn't preclude your ability to learn to stand on your own two feet, materially and emotionally. I really doubt if your husband and marriage has much to do with your condition. I think that's separate, and can be worked out in any framework, but the framework needs to be stable. Your marriage sounds stable, at least in terms of you making the choie to stay put while your husband is elsewhere, you can take advantage of having insurance and so forth. It sounds like your husband is on your side, look at it as a friendship for now since it sounds like there is a basis for that. Don't worry too much about the attraction in other ways, I think that attraction is a lot about how you feel about yourself, once you have got some therapy and treatment and feel more confident in yourself, your feelings might change. You don't want to add to your problems by making decisions at a time when you should not be making decisions, other than the decision/choice to stick in your own skin and find a way to handle your wildly fluctuating emotions and your reactivity to them, which is likely very unsettling to you and feeds into a vicious cycle. Stay put, and attack the issues that are causing your high anxiety. I understand about the shaking and so forth, have been there myself. Part of it was allergies for me, the rest was stress, even though I was in an abusive relationship (different from you, I suspect, but who knows...), my husband was deployed. So instead of just leaving, I stayed put and took advantage of counseling and the ability to focus on my own health (emotional and physical) rather than burdening myself unnecessarily with the responsibility of finding a job, moving, etc. Those activities are just going to mask the real issue, and who knows what that is? Could be allergies, could be anxiety, could be lack of confidence/stability, could be codependency...keep an open mind about it.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi HardtoBreath -- I wanted to post because my situation is so similar to yours, except that we've been married 32 years. That doesn't mean you need to remain married that long, though.

We're alike in that I met my husband in high school (I'm embarrassed telling people that) -- we were both 16, had very few friends, and we were each other's first romance. Looking back I would advise against marrying your high school sweetheart unless you've experienced at least one serious relationship with someone else. Otherwise how do you know that the first one is the one for you?

Anyway, we got married after 5 years of dating -- deep down I knew I didn't love him, but he was totally devoted to me and face it, I was pretty high-maintenance. When he proposed I said yes because it seemed logical after 5 years, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and because I craved security. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and he has a very stable, even-keel personality.

The first several years of marriage were pretty good; we had a lot of fun together. Then our son was born, and he willingly assumed parenting duties because I had post-partum depression. We had a daughter 2 years later. He was a wonderful father and didn't mind doing the traditional "mom's work." I didn't think about separating then because of the kids, and we genuinely enjoyed raising them together.

Now my son is 27 and daughter is 26. I started to think about leaving after they left for college. I felt like my husband and I didn't have anything in common anymore, we weren't able to talk for hours like we used to -- the relationship was almost forced. We started to develop our own activities and interests. 

About 20 years ago I started sleeping on the couch, and I'm still there. We haven't had sex in 4 years. We don't hug, kiss, hold hands, etc. I've discussed my feelings with him twice -- long intense discussions with lots of tears (mine). I've told him that I didn't love him, at least not like I should (and how hard I've tried to feel for him what he feels for me). I've mentioned me leaving. He says that we should stay together as friends to take care of each other. We've been trying that for the last year or two, but we're just getting further apart -- he has emotionally disconnected from me. But I suppose I deserve it after pretending to be in love with him all these years. Plus I feel I owe it to him to stay if that's what he wants -- no, I won't be happy, but I ask myself over and over again if I deserve happiness.

I totally understand the fear, anxiety, tears, and all the other emotions you're going through. By the way, my husband would "lasso the moon" for me too. Anything to make me happy -- and I'm not. Guilt is my constant companion.

You're so young and married such a short time -- you can divorce and chalk it up to youth. Please don't be unhappy the rest of your life ---


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## HardtoBreath (Jun 29, 2012)

Our appointment this morning with the counselor went alright. He attended over speakerphone as planned.

We talked about options and have decided, mostly for my benefit, that I should go home for a bit and sort things out. I can't make any clear, well thought out decisions while I'm so unhappy living where I am.

I talked with the counselor about my feelings today and why I'm having such a hard time. I've always been a people pleaser and tend to put others' well being above mine. I don't like to hurt people and tend to be a bit of an overly empathetic person. I cry so much about this because I need to do what will make me happy, but at the expense of a fantastic man's heart.

Unfortunately, on the lines of going home for a while, I can't just yet. I'm finishing my semester of school and need to wait for him to be home to care for our animals. I cannot take them with me. It will be almost two months until I can go, I'm just hoping my thoughts don't damage things further in that time.

Until then, I need to figure out how to handle H. He calls me a few times a day since he left to check on me(he's on a wonky work schedule). Every hour or so in between calls, he texts me that he loves me and always will. He's gotten super clingy and all I really want is some space. Telling him to stop calling will upset him, I can't just not answer because he knows I'm here... I still want to be in regular contact, but this is a bit ridiculous.

Thank you for the responses, luck, and well wishes.


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