# Need some help, this could get lengthy



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Ok if you've read most of my posts on here, you know the whole deal that my H had an EA, said it was not a PA, but there was no proof to either prove of disprove this. We worked through it, he apologized a million times, said he felt bad, wouldn't do it again, etc. This was a year and a half ago. Fast forward to now, in December I had a temporary lapse in judgment and tried to gain access to my H's cell phone account on the internet. Sometimes I still get upset about the EA and go all crazy and try to do things like that. Of course when I tried to change the password it sent a message to his phone, BUSTED!  So anyway we had it out that night about it, I explained to him that he violated my trust by what he had done and my trust wasn't just going to reappear. I explained that by him still keeping his phone and email away from me, as in if I really felt the need to see his phone or look at his email it would be out of the question, that that didn't help rebuild the trust either. I told him I would not try to gain access to his phone anymore because at this point I truly don't care anymore, and everything was ok after that. 

Two nights ago he wanted to get into his phone account and apparently the night he thought he had changed everything back he hadn't and he could not get in....so he comes out accusing me of getting in his stuff again, which I had not (I told him, once I say I'm not going to do it you know I won't do it, if I don't say it, then I will do it if I feel it's necessary). Anywho, after an hour of trying to get access he finally changed everything and proceeded to come out where I was to make sure that I knew I no longer had access to his account, did I ever???? 

Yesterday I texted him from work and said that I was curious about why he all of a sudden was checking in on his account, as he never does this, and we had it out again over texting, because he says that texting is the only way that he can communicate (which is fine with me, hell it's better than the silence I got from him for the last 7 years) Anyway I thought all was resolved after that. I texted him last night said my brother was going to add me and my mom to his phone plan because it would make my bill a hell of a lot cheaper every month, I asked him if it was cool because it would cost a lot for me to get out of my contract, he said yes that's fine. Later that night my brother told me he could only add one more person, as he already has my dad, my daughter and his girlfriend on his, so I asked my H to put me and my mom on his, he said ok.

Today, I ask him to check into putting me and my mom on his account and he goes all weird and says he's not doing it because the only reason that I want him to is so I can check his stuff...which even adding me as a user I don't believe I can get into his stuff, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but bottom line I don't care to see his sh*t anymore. So him saying no to that I said fine, this is ridiculous....and after a minute of back and forth he hung up. He texted me and said that he is tired of all of this, that he never quits at anything, which he doesn't, but he's burned out trying with me and if I don't quit this we should discuss options for the future, I'm assuming the big D....I told him that I'm tired of all of it too, that it goes both ways, but I love him and want it to work....he said trust is the most important thing in a relationship, which I agree, but I don't understand how he expects me to trust him based on the fact that all he's done is say he won't ever do what he did again, well before I found out he did that he would always tell me that he would _never_ do that, so I can't really take his word for it, especially when he is still keeping his phone from me and email....I basically told him in my last text that I want to try whatever we can to get to where we want to be, but he has to try too...I didn't get a response...

I don't know if this was more of a rant now that I've typed it out, or if there is advice that I can gain from you all reading this....I am at a loss about what to do and how to fully get over what he did, it still hurts my feelings, and he doesn't understand that if I could erase it all from my mind and never think about it again, I would in a heartbeat, but it doesn't work that way, you can't "unknow" what you know....It hasn't just been this one instance where he has been texting other women behind my back, it's happened before, but to my knowledge not in a sexual way like this was....I spent the first 6 years that we were living together trying to make things work and make him communicate and make him happy, and I am no saint, I'm not saying I was a perfect person and he was a devil or anything, but he def gave me a challenge.....I think that I got my heart broken so many times in those years that now I don't try as hard? I find that I am more at ease and happier when I am home alone, just me and the kids, and I do notice that I put more distance between us when he is home....when he goes out sometimes to bars without me, I don't get upset about it, or stay awake when he's not home by 3 in the morning, because he more or less programmed me to not care, and that scares me, I've never been that type of person....There is so much more to the story of the last 3 days, but I have rambled long enough....Thanks


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Greeneyes - I'm sorry but I would be a little concerned. I totally understand where you are coming from though. My H had EA last year, all carried out by txting. My H phone is a major trigger for me and has been the cause of much anxiety. 9 months in we are separated but still have a lot if contact with each other. H knows his phone causes me to be anxious so he leaves it on the counter when he is with me and I still have access to his phone bill. However, he deletes ALL the messages on his phone apart from the ones from me.

We had a set back in Dec because when his phone bill arrived there tho OW number was listed 6 times.. She is a co worker and he said he had to contact het for work. I went nuts. But he said I just wanted to control him and that I should just trust him!! That I should just believe him ad he had nothing to hide!! Well as I pointed out to him, I trusted him for 17 years, and that it was HIS fault the trust had been lost and he needed to earn that back!

I just don't think they get it to be honest. As I said to H, if you've got nothing to hide, then dont hide it, it just makes you look suspicious. 
I'm not saying your H is up to anything, but you really need to try and get through to him how his behaviour is affecting you. He has lost your trust and he needs to understand that he has to earn it back. If he doesn't agree to let you see his phone account then I would be worried that he was hiding something.

Sorry for the long post. Hope thus gets sorted for you x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Thank you, your situation sounds almost identical to mine, although I found chats on an email account that I had no idea existed between him and the other girl, I say girl cuz she was a girl..19...They talked on the phone, exchanged pictures and all kinds of other stuff, I learned all of this through the email account...what I read on there hurt like hell, because not only was he lying to me, he had the feelings for this girl that I had been wishing for 6 years he would have for me, saying things to her that I would have loved to hear from him....She was pretty, she was tan, skinny and from what I read a model, but who knows if that was true....I don't think she knew about me or the kids, I'm quite sure she didn't...

His phone and anything having to do with his phone or the computer is a big trigger for me, but that doesn't matter to him, he doesn't think that I have the right to see his stuff because it is his (sidenote he had a very controlling and abusive dad that was that way with both my H and his siblings and their mom) I think he thinks that when I ask to see this stuff I am acting like his dad or something and he gets all defensive...he doesn't understand what the impact on my life was when he did what he did....I don't want to think about it, I don't want to remember, but I do...not all the time, but like you said when there is something going on with the phone/computer that's my trigger... I guess I am also somewhat resentful of the fact that he is telling me that he's exhausted and has had enough. He said that he has been trying very hard to communicate better with me, which he has and it's been awesome, but he doesn't realize that alone isn't going to put the trust back in this relationship....I leave my phone all over the place and he can access anything of mine whenever he wants and he knows it, because he's my H and I love him and I feel like there is nothing that I need to hide from him...I don't look at it like he does I guess....


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Basically, he should be falling over himself to make sure that there is transparency in his actions with his phone, online, whatever, if he really wants to save the marriage and insure against the arousal of suspicion from you. 

I had a long-distance, online EA in June of 2011. I have made sure that my wife is well aware of my online activities and I try to avoid any known triggers as best I can. I don't hide anything. If your husband is really committed to earing your trust back, then he still has a long ways to go because he doesn't seem to understand that his actions are really making things worse for you and your relationship. He says that "trust is the most important thing in a relationship" and he broke that trust! What makes him think that him saying that he won't do it again is a magic wand that will make all the hurt go away?

I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice, but if after a year and-a-half your husband is still password-protecting his phone, then he really doesn't get it at all. I'm not familiar with your entire story, but have you attempted MC or IC?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If he resolves marital issues this way, do you really want to be talking to him in the first place? What I'm saying, is that it seems to be that he is willing to go so far which is not far at all, to be sensitive to your needs that his actions created. I don't really see much point in being married to someone who acts like that. I left my H over the manner in which he handled legitimate issues in our relationship. He would throw a sort of thinly veiled hissy fit. It really wasn't worth it. Even if you 'win' by way of clever argument or a set of rules for discourse, is it really 'winning'? I can train a tiger to lick my face, given enough time. But does that mean it loves me?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

He doesn't appear to have any empathy or remorse for his actions if he still tries to hide his activity from you. DaisyGirl same for you, why are you letting him delete texts??

GreenEyes, in your case he seems fishy, and the fact that he didn't open this piece up to your scrutiny shows he has something to hide. You have every right to look in his phone and you should not feel the least bit guilty about it. He's the one that broke the trust, not you.

I'm sorry you are going through this but it does not sound like your husband is doing much to build your trust. Quite the opposite in fact.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

tm84 said:


> I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Basically, he should be falling over himself to make sure that there is transparency in his actions with his phone, online, whatever, if he really wants to save the marriage and insure against the arousal of suspicion from you.
> 
> I had a long-distance, online EA in June of 2011. I have made sure that my wife is well aware of my online activities and I try to avoid any known triggers as best I can. I don't hide anything. If your husband is really committed to earing your trust back, then he still has a long ways to go because he doesn't seem to understand that his actions are really making things worse for you and your relationship. He says that "trust is the most important thing in a relationship" and he broke that trust! What makes him think that him saying that he won't do it again is a magic wand that will make all the hurt go away?
> 
> I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice, but if after a year and-a-half your husband is still password-protecting his phone, then he really doesn't get it at all. I'm not familiar with your entire story, but have you attempted MC or IC?


I appreciate it, at least your post coming from the other side lets me know that I'm not crazy and irrational. He doesn't password protect his phone anymore, but it also does not leave his side so there really is no need to password protect it, and even if he left it laying on the table I wouldn't touch it because if he caught me it would start a huge fight....

We haven't tried MC because he won't even consider it, he has said absolutely not to MC, when I suggested at one point that I might want to do IC he blew up about that as well and said that he may as well go out and do whatever he wants that I'm never going to change, and some other stuff but that was a while ago and I don't remember everything that was said, but it was not received well by him. 

I will admit that his communication skills with me have improved so much and it has helped; however, the fact that he has no idea, or doesn't want to acknowledge, what I am feeling is not going to help anything in the long run....I know that I need to do some work on my part as well, but the healing process for what he did takes more than just him telling me to forget about it.....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

COguy said:


> He doesn't appear to have any empathy or remorse for his actions if he still tries to hide his activity from you. DaisyGirl same for you, why are you letting him delete texts??
> 
> GreenEyes, in your case he seems fishy, and the fact that he didn't open this piece up to your scrutiny shows he has something to hide. You have every right to look in his phone and you should not feel the least bit guilty about it. He's the one that broke the trust, not you.
> 
> I'm sorry you are going through this but it does not sound like your husband is doing much to build your trust. Quite the opposite in fact.


Thanks, I have heard that from many people...it helps a lot more to hear what you guys on here have to say though because you do not know either of us...when I talk to my family and friends of course he is in the wrong, when I talk to his family they acknowledge that he was wrong but then say I have to move on at some point, although his sisters have been very supportive of me when I would talk to them about it. 

I agree completely that he is the one that broke the trust and it's now his job to help reinstate that trust at whatever costs, if he truly loved me that is. I think what hurts the most is that I truly love him, I couldn't have carried on something like he did with anyone. All the things that I read in the chats that he said to her, I had been dying to hear from him (and outright told him so all the time before this ever happened, he refused to compliment me just because, he said that I already had a "big head" about my looks) Yeah I'm not a bad looking woman, but I'm not walking around like I'm all that and then some.....Where he on the other hand has a physical job and works out every day and he's a good looking guy and he knows it, obviously from pictures he sent her he knows it....I don't know I didn't think that this would be my life....I had always looked forward to growing up and getting married and having a family, but I thought me and my H would be more in love, that I would be all he ever needed.......wishful thinking in the times we live in now isn't it?...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If he resolves marital issues this way, do you really want to be talking to him in the first place? What I'm saying, is that it seems to be that he is willing to go so far which is not far at all, to be sensitive to your needs that his actions created. I don't really see much point in being married to someone who acts like that. I left my H over the manner in which he handled legitimate issues in our relationship. He would throw a sort of thinly veiled hissy fit. It really wasn't worth it. Even if you 'win' by way of clever argument or a set of rules for discourse, is it really 'winning'? I can train a tiger to lick my face, given enough time. But does that mean it loves me?


I hear you, and it makes a lot of sense....he has been opening up more to me about how he feels and stuff like that, what he's not understanding is how much he hurt me. He acknowledges that yes he hurt me, but he thinks an apology and promise he'll never do it again should be sufficient for me to trust him....

I want to, more than anything, and the thing is, I truly feel that he would never do it again, but then when he gets all freaked out about the phone stuff that makes me feel like nothing's changed at all.....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Greeneyes, I'm a guy who had an EA that was carried on mostly via text and chat. I did to my wife what your and Daisygirl's husbands did to the two of you. After D day I gave my wife access to everything - everything - unconditionally and without question. It's what a remorseful cheater does. It sounds to me like your H is NOT truly remorseful and hasn't taken ownership of what he's done; which, to me puts the whole reconciliation in serious question. Bottom line, IMO you've still got a problem. 

I think you have to insist on complete transparency, and more than that, I think you have to insist he get to a place where he's actually glad to give it to you. it may take counseling to get there but if he is really remorseful he'll do anything you need or want. Just to both defend some cheating husbands and give you some reason to hold yours to a higher standard. I do get it, and others of us do to. Some of us understand that it's our job to rebuild your trust and those of us that do will do whatever is needed to help our wives find some peace and trust in us again. 

Don't give up or accept less than full remorse from him, anything less than full remorse and there's still an issue that needs to be addressed. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Thanks, I have heard that from many people...it helps a lot more to hear what you guys on here have to say though because you do not know either of us...when I talk to my family and friends of course he is in the wrong, when I talk to his family they acknowledge that he was wrong but then say I have to move on at some point, although his sisters have been very supportive of me when I would talk to them about it.
> 
> I agree completely that he is the one that broke the trust and it's now his job to help reinstate that trust at whatever costs, if he truly loved me that is. I think what hurts the most is that I truly love him, I couldn't have carried on something like he did with anyone. All the things that I read in the chats that he said to her, I had been dying to hear from him (and outright told him so all the time before this ever happened, he refused to compliment me just because, he said that I already had a "big head" about my looks) Yeah I'm not a bad looking woman, but I'm not walking around like I'm all that and then some.....Where he on the other hand has a physical job and works out every day and he's a good looking guy and he knows it, obviously from pictures he sent her he knows it....I don't know I didn't think that this would be my life....I had always looked forward to growing up and getting married and having a family, but I thought me and my H would be more in love, that I would be all he ever needed.......wishful thinking in the times we live in now isn't it?...


This might be hard to hear but it sounds like you are staying because of the idea of what your husband could be not who he is. It's clear he's not truly understanding of your feelings, the fact that you feel like you can't share them would make forgiving his transgressions near impossible.

I'd lay it all on the line and if he can't accept it and work to rebuild your trust in the right way, I wouldn't understand how you could stay. From what you're saying, he doesn't sound truly remorseful, and he doesn't seem to have any empathy for the pain he caused. You deserve to be in a relationship where your spouse DOES care.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

COguy said:


> This might be hard to hear but it sounds like you are staying because of the idea of what your husband could be not who he is. It's clear he's not truly understanding of your feelings, the fact that you feel like you can't share them would make forgiving his transgressions near impossible.
> 
> I'd lay it all on the line and if he can't accept it and work to rebuild your trust in the right way, I wouldn't understand how you could stay. From what you're saying, he doesn't sound truly remorseful, and he doesn't seem to have any empathy for the pain he caused. You deserve to be in a relationship where your spouse DOES care.


Thanks  I can tell when I say something about it that he feels bad about what he did, I know he does, the problem is that he just wants to cover it up and move on, because I think it hurts him to deal with it, which I mean in that case there is truly nobody to blame but himself for it. I understand who he is, I understand the whole privacy issue that he has, but his thing is he needs to understand who I am and how I work, that's where the biggest conflict is...and I can't say he isn't trying because he really is, and he has come so far from where he used to be with communicating with me, but he needs to get over that issue that he has that he thinks I'm trying to be controlling and "like his dad" because I'm not....I need him to understand that my parents never had a bad marriage, yes they had their ups and downs, but there is complete transparency and trust in their relationship and that's what I grew up with and what I want....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Greeneyes, I'm a guy who had an EA that was carried on mostly via text and chat. I did to my wife what your and Daisygirl's husbands did to the two of you. After D day I gave my wife access to everything - everything - unconditionally and without question. It's what a remorseful cheater does. It sounds to me like your H is NOT truly remorseful and hasn't taken ownership of what he's done; which, to me puts the whole reconciliation in serious question. Bottom line, IMO you've still got a problem.
> 
> I think you have to insist on complete transparency, and more than that, I think you have to insist he get to a place where he's actually glad to give it to you. it may take counseling to get there but if he is really remorseful he'll do anything you need or want. Just to both defend some cheating husbands and give you some reason to hold yours to a higher standard. I do get it, and others of us do to. Some of us understand that it's our job to rebuild your trust and those of us that do will do whatever is needed to help our wives find some peace and trust in us again.
> 
> ...


Thanks, it helps a lot to hear advice from the other side of things. I think maybe if I quit going behind his back and trying to gain access to his stuff he might let go of some of the resentment and start being more open?? I know he is very resentful of me for "snooping" but then I have always felt justified in snooping because I've always found something that he had been hiding....Him and I have both grown a lot over the years, we became parents at a young age after only knowing each other a few months, and to look back on the first year we lived together to now, there have been significant improvements in our relationship, maybe it's just a work in progress and things will eventually balance out.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I think maybe if I quit going behind his back and trying to gain access to his stuff he might let go of some of the resentment and start being more open?? I know he is very resentful of me for "snooping" but then I have always felt justified in snooping because I've always found something that he had been hiding....


This is not a chicken or the egg situation - the two of you are not on equal footing - HE CHEATED therefore he is in a position of debt to you and the relationship. The impetus is on him and him alone. You have the absolute high ground. 

As a former cheater some of the best advice I can offer is this. It's good to want to reconcile, it's good to forgive if he'd earned it, it's good to want to help your husband, it's good to want to understand him, it's good to want to "give" some in the relationship. BUT - never ever cut a cheater any slack - ever. You can help, be there for, understand, and forgive all you want, but don't forget - he cheated - and don't cut him any slack on the work he has to do to put the relationship back on level ground.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This is not a chicken or the egg situation - the two of you are not on equal footing - HE CHEATED therefore he is in a position of debt to you and the relationship. The impetus is on him and him alone. You have the absolute high ground.
> 
> As a former cheater some of the best advice I can offer is this. It's good to want to reconcile, it's good to forgive if he'd earned it, it's good to want to help your husband, it's good to want to understand him, it's good to want to "give" some in the relationship. BUT - never ever cut a cheater any slack - ever. You can help, be there for, understand, and forgive all you want, but don't forget - he cheated - and don't cut him any slack on the work he has to do to put the relationship back on level ground.


Thank you for that  it's is very good advice that makes a lot of sense!


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Greeneyes - I'm sorry but I would be a little concerned. I totally understand where you are coming from though. My H had EA last year, all carried out by txting. My H phone is a major trigger for me and has been the cause of much anxiety. 9 months in we are separated but still have a lot if contact with each other. H knows his phone causes me to be anxious so he leaves it on the counter when he is with me and I still have access to his phone bill. *However, he deletes ALL the messages on his phone apart from the ones from me.*
> 
> *We had a set back in Dec because when his phone bill arrived there tho OW number was listed 6 times..* She is a co worker and he said he had to contact het for work. I went nuts. *But he said I just wanted to control him and that I should just trust him!!* That I should just believe him ad he had nothing to hide!! Well as I pointed out to him, I trusted him for 17 years, and that it was HIS fault the trust had been lost and he needed to earn that back!
> 
> ...


 
*No he is the one trying to control*


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This is not a chicken or the egg situation - the two of you are not on equal footing - HE CHEATED therefore he is in a position of debt to you and the relationship. The impetus is on him and him alone. You have the absolute high ground.
> 
> As a former cheater some of the best advice I can offer is this. It's good to want to reconcile, it's good to forgive if he'd earned it, it's good to want to help your husband, it's good to want to understand him, it's good to want to "give" some in the relationship. BUT - never ever cut a cheater any slack - ever. You can help, be there for, understand, and forgive all you want, but don't forget - he cheated - and don't cut him any slack on the work he has to do to put the relationship back on level ground.


 

*AMEN my brutha*


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He texted me and said that he is tired of all of this, that he never quits at anything, which he doesn't, but he's burned out trying with me and if I don't quit this we should discuss options for the future,


IMO, he's got a lot of nerve even putting this out there. He's tired? Well he started it. He doesn't get to be tired of it. His job is to ensure that you're secure in this relationship, and he's blowing it.

You don't have to just 'get over it'. 

After you've been able to process and talk about what happened to your satisfaction, you will move past it, but not before that happens. Who cares if that makes him feel bad or uncomfortable? He needs to accept full responsibility for that. He started the chain of events here... like a snowball on the side of a mountain. He doesn't like how you're taking it??? Well boo hoo.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Greeneyes, I'm a guy who had an EA that was carried on mostly via text and chat. I did to my wife what your and Daisygirl's husbands did to the two of you. After D day I gave my wife access to everything - everything - unconditionally and without question. It's what a remorseful cheater does. *It sounds to me like your H is NOT truly remorseful and hasn't taken ownership of what he's done; which, to me puts the whole reconciliation in serious question. Bottom line, IMO you've still got a problem. *
> 
> *I think you have to insist on complete transparency, and more than that, I think you have to insist he get to a place where he's actually glad to give it to you.* it may take counseling to get there but if he is really remorseful he'll do anything you need or want. Just to both defend some cheating husbands and give you some reason to hold yours to a higher standard. I do get it, and others of us do to. Some of us understand that it's our job to rebuild your trust and those of us that do will do whatever is needed to help our wives find some peace and trust in us again.
> 
> ...


*And the fact that he is saying things like "you're trying to control me" or making sure you don't have access to what the very thing that caused the problem is a red flag. *

*I don't like when the spouse gets upset because the wife/husband pick up on things. They get upset because they are being found out or upset because common sense are being used. It is like saying*
* " I'm mad because you're picking up on the fact that I'm doing dirt and I want to continue to play so let me put the focus on you and say you're paranoid or trying to control me"- That way I can prolong my dirt playing*


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

shaylady said:


> *They get upset because they are being found out or upset because common sense are being used. It is like saying*
> * " I'm mad because you're picking up on the fact that I'm doing dirt and I want to continue to play so let me put the focus on you and say you're paranoid or trying to control me"- That way I can prolong my dirt playing*


Well not to have a quote fest - but - EXACTLY!! There's a huge difference between being sorry and being sorry you got caught.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Well not to have a quote fest - but - EXACTLY!! There's a huge difference between being sorry and being sorry you got caught.


 
This is so so so TRUE


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> IMO, he's got a lot of nerve even putting this out there. He's tired? *Well he started it. He doesn't get to be tired of it. His job is to ensure that you're secure in this relationship,* and he's blowing it.
> 
> You don't have to just 'get over it'.
> 
> After you've been able to process and talk about what happened to your satisfaction, you will move past it, but not before that happens. Who cares if that makes him feel bad or uncomfortable? He needs to accept full responsibility for that. He started the chain of events here... like a snowball on the side of a mountain. He doesn't like how you're taking it??? Well boo hoo.


That is a lot of what makes me angry, that he can say he's tired of it, that it's consumed my life...well yes it has, the guy that I love more than anything was having the feelings that he should have for me, for someone else...that hurts a lot!!! Even though I know 100% that I want to forgive him, I think of him and her and how happy he seemed, and it makes me sad all over again


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> That is a lot of what makes me angry, that he can say he's tired of it, that it's consumed my life...well yes it has, *the guy that I love more than anything was having the feelings that he should have for me, for someone else...that hurts a lot!!! *Even though I know 100% that I want to forgive him, I think of him and her and how happy he seemed, and it makes me sad all over again



And he should be told this and repeat if necessary so it gets into his thick head he can't flip a switch and magically things go back to business as usual. HE may not want to deal with those emotions, but if he wants to work it out with you, he's going to have to. He can't control your emotions, your ups and downs, your highs and lows. 

Welcome to the wonderful world of CONSEQUENCES.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> And he should be told this and repeat if necessary so it gets into his thick head he can't flip a switch and magically things go back to business as usual. HE may not want to deal with those emotions, but if he wants to work it out with you, he's going to have to. He can't control your emotions, your ups and downs, your highs and lows.
> 
> Welcome to the wonderful world of CONSEQUENCES.


I agree with you completely...I understand he does not want to deal with it, who on earth wants to deal with the negative consequences of their actions? But the fact is if you love me as much as you say you do, then you have to understand it's going to take time for me to work through knowing the fact that my H had feelings for someone else....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I agree with you completely...I understand he does not want to deal with it,* who on earth wants to deal with the negative consequences of their actions?* But the fact is if you love me as much as you say you do, then you have to understand it's going to take time for me to work through knowing the fact that my H had feelings for someone else....


But that's exactly the point. A truly remorseful cheater - someone who really wants to put their spouse and marriage back together - wants to do this. Because they know it's the only way to help the person they love and save the marriage. 

It's called taking ownership and accepting responsibility. Fun? Not even a little, but it's the only way out.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sigma1299 said:


> But that's exactly the point. A truly remorseful cheater - someone who really wants to put their spouse and marriage back together - wants to do this. Because they know it's the only way to help the person they love and save the marriage.
> 
> It's called taking ownership and accepting responsibility. Fun? Not even a little, but it's the only way out.


Well - its not the only way out.

He could take ownership, be accountable and work to rebuild the marriage.

Or - he can keep doing what he's doing and hope that Greeneyes doesn't force his hand by filing for divorce. This allows him to continue to have his cake and eat it.

Or - like my wife and many, many others - he could decide he'd rather break free from the responsibility of the marriage.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> But that's exactly the point. A truly remorseful cheater - someone who really wants to put their spouse and marriage back together - wants to do this. Because they know it's the only way to help the person they love and save the marriage.
> 
> It's called taking ownership and accepting responsibility. Fun? Not even a little, but it's the only way out.


:iagree: totally


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Or - he can keep doing what he's doing and hope that Greeneyes doesn't force his hand by filing for divorce. This allows him to continue to have his cake and eat it.


This isn't really out is it?? Isn't this just in deeper??




nice777guy said:


> Or - like my wife and many, many others - he could decide he'd rather break free from the responsibility of the marriage.


Ok - this is out but not the out I meant. Guess I should have said it's the only way out of the affair and into the marriage??


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Well - its not the only way out.
> 
> He could take ownership, be accountable and work to rebuild the marriage.
> 
> ...


Sorry about your wife  Although you could be happier without her?? I just really really want our relationship to work...I just always wanted to marry and grow old with the person I chose to be with...of course I know wanting and getting are 2 totally different things haha


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

GreenEyes said:


> Sorry about your wife  Although you could be happier without her?? I just really really want our relationship to work...I just always wanted to marry and grow old with the person I chose to be with...of course I know wanting and getting are 2 totally different things haha


Just keep in mind that everyone here can completely agree on what your H should do. But unless he's ready and willing to make things right, you'll continue to struggle.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Sorry about your wife  Although you could be happier without her?? I just really really want our relationship to work...I just always wanted to marry and grow old with the person I chose to be with...of course I know wanting and getting are 2 totally different things haha


I know what you mean. You also wanted a husband who wouldn't cheat on you. And a husband who cares about your feelings and is empathetic and understanding.

Your husband may wise up and start acting right, but he's not there right now, not by a long shot. I don't see how you could stay in the marriage while your feelings are ignored or minimized. Express yourself, and if he can't handle, maybe walking is a good wakeup call.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

COguy said:


> I know what you mean. You also wanted a husband who wouldn't cheat on you. And a husband who cares about your feelings and is empathetic and understanding.
> 
> Your husband may wise up and start acting right, but he's not there right now, not by a long shot. I don't see how you could stay in the marriage while your feelings are ignored or minimized. Express yourself, and if he can't handle, maybe walking is a good wakeup call.


No he's not...I think that my feelings have been ignored and minimized for so long that I don't care, I really just don't care...I notice myself at home when things start to get heated or something I just remain indifferent and walk away and stay away and read or watch tv for the rest of the night....I know that is in no way healthy either, but that's the wall I've built over the years....But like I said, he has been really working on the communication part and I'm thinking with some additional time and maturing on both our parts we will get there....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Just keep in mind that everyone here can completely agree on what your H should do. But unless he's ready and willing to make things right, you'll continue to struggle.


:iagree: so true


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> No he's not...I think that my feelings have been ignored and minimized for so long that I don't care, I really just don't care...I notice myself at home when things start to get heated or something I just remain indifferent and walk away and stay away and read or watch tv for the rest of the night....I know that is in no way healthy either, but that's the wall I've built over the years....But like I said, he has been really working on the communication part and I'm thinking with some additional time and maturing on both our parts we will get there....


You're on the paved, slightly downhill path to a wasted life. Where's the spark? Where's the passion? Where's that nagging in your heart that wants a fulfilling, passionate marriage? You can't change your husband, but if you repress your feelings you're only cheating yourself.

I know because I did it for 7 years, because I wanted to "protect" my wife. It killed our marriage and made my life annoying as hell.

There are 3 outcomes in your marriage:

1. You say and do nothing, your life continues to suck indefinitely.
2. You respect yourself and voice your feelings, your husband doesn't respond and you move on.
3. Same as above, but your husband gets his sh*t together and you rebuild your marriage.

Did you ever hear the story about the men held captive in the jungle? The captors gave them a choice. You can select from one of two doors: one is freedom; the other is a hungry, vicious tiger. Or you can choose neither and take a bullet to the head.

You're not giving yourself a fighting chance, you're accepting defeat when you have a chance for a great relationship.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I want to say thanks to everyone that's posted....whether I can put any of the advice given into play in my marriage or not, I at least now know that I am not being unreasonable, that it's not so easy to just get over it...I felt like I was holding on to this for too long and he was justified in being tired of it, but you all have helped me see that that is just not true, that there is still work to be done and I'm not crazy or something :crazy:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You are the one that was wronged. It's really up to him to make things right. If you don't feel comfortable, then his job simply isn't done.

Trust your gut. If things don't feel OK - then they probably arent...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> You are the one that was wronged. It's really up to him to make things right. If you don't feel comfortable, then his job simply isn't done.
> 
> Trust your gut. If things don't feel OK - then they probably arent...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup: Big thumbs up to that for sure. Time will tell right?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Time will tell - but waiting too long for him to do what's right can take a toll.

Don't be afraid to push him - and be sure to let him know when you feel uncomfortable.

My STBXW had the ability to say and do just enough of the right things to keep me around - but she was never really committed to really making things work again.

I think like most people I really wanted to believe she was sorry and that she was ready to do the right things. Made it harder for me to see the truth...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Time will tell - but waiting too long for him to do what's right can take a toll.
> 
> Don't be afraid to push him - and be sure to let him know when you feel uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Well it's good that you were finally able to figure it out and get on with your life...the thing that would make me the maddest out of everything is wasting my time....We all have one life, and our time is limited, I want to spend that time with someone who truly loves me and wants to be with me....For some reason I just have this feeling that me and him will make it, that we'll eventually find our place....but it's gonna take time, patience and work, I"m 100% willing to always do my part if he is.


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