# Missing my kids, any advice?



## scottaj74 (Dec 1, 2013)

Hey Gang - if you checking out this site, I'm guessing you're probably going through a tough time too.

My wife left me about 10 months ago. At the time we had a 2.5 yr old and a month into the separation she told me she was 6 weeks preggo. My first thought was "is it mine?". She assures me it is and having talked to friends and family there is nobody else.

I moved back to my old town (4 hours) away as I found it too difficult to be constantly reminded of what I lost. I have lots of good old friends and my younger brother lives there. We were fortunate to own two homes, but now one must be sold to pay off marital debts and the other she wants.....which leaves me living in van down by the river - it's actually a truck camper parked in front of my brother's house. It's not terrible as I could be out on the street, but it's a stark contrast to family man life.

I haven't seen my kids much in the past 6 months and I barely know my new daughter. I wasn't invited to the actual birth and I think I've picked her up maybe a dozen times since she was born back in July. I know it's my reaction to situation, but a day after she was born I bolted. My wife's family tried to invite to her sisters wedding so I could look after the kids....Really? WTF? Are you that heartless? I felt super depressed about the situation so I left for week.

I super missed my kids last week. I know nobody knows the outcome of the marriage after kids, but I really feel like I never would have brought kids into the world if I knew this is how it would turn out. I cringe at the thought of them bouncing back and forth for the next 18 years. Maybe I need to change my vision of family, but I feel anything but a family in my mind.

The marriage needed to improve and I'm guilty as sin for ignoring and not making certain things a priority in the relationship. I feel like I learned a ****load about myself, love, marriages and I'm trying hard to implement those changes into my life. The insanity approach wasn't working for anymore (if you keep on doing what your doing, you'll keep on getting what you're getting).

My wife is totally cold to me and will not discuss what went wrong or any feelings involved. Emotionally she's dead. She'll only talk about what great co-parents we can be. I feel like with the that attitude, I could have kids with anybody because who cares about the relationship, we can work on being great co-parents together. I wonder what my kids will think about this when they get older. My views about marriage have been destroyed too....I've skipped several weddings this summer because I feel like we're all wasting each others time and money. With divorce rates so high, and people so unwilling to work out their issues, I find myself asking, "what's the point?". When I hear "I do", I want to ask, "how much? 50%, 70%, what?". Ok, I know I'm bitter and jaded, but it happened to me and find the idea of marriage holds little if any merit to me anymore.

Ok, got side tracked. I miss my kids like crazy. I feel like I'm missing out huge on watching them grow up and being there with them. I love hanging out with them more than anything. I would be up there, but the work scene is the ****s. I don't want to be the broke guy that lives in a camper down at the gravel pit so I can see my kids occasionally. I was super broke in my 20's and told myself I never wanted to be that way again. Sorry to rant, but I find myself getting super frustrated about this situation. I wish I could be as heartless as my ex, maybe I wouldn't feel crappy so much.

I try to stay busy and tell myself the situation will change, but it doesn't really help the "here and now". I have a new found empathy for spouses or parents that get dumped. Anybody have any suggestions or ideas to lessen the pain or keep my head from cycling this situation?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer about your situation?

And no offense, but if you want to be closer to your kids, you can't move 4 hours away from them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scottaj74 (Dec 1, 2013)

Yes, I spoke with a family law lawyer though I need to see another one. I managed to find the only fem-nazi lawyer around. I almost walked out, but I kept my cool and after an hour of her bull**** opinions I finally got some answers. My ex is really big on the separation agreement (I call it a separation order - I didn't agree to any of this) and getting me to sign it. After the lawyer I found out she needs to remortgage the house in her name before I sign the "agreement". The way it was written, my name would be taken off the land title, but not the mortgage. I told me ex she was "x" number of days to make that happen or the house that she wants needs to be put up for sale too. 

I'm trying to figure out how to get closer to the kids, but with upcoming child care payments and being an expensive resort community the only jobs I can find are in the $10/hr range. As a family I was working a seasonal job in the winter and looking after our child the rest of the year. She kept her full-time gig....now I'm playing catch up to find year round employment.


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## scottaj74 (Dec 1, 2013)

I know I need to be closer to them, but I find it puts me into a mental tailspin to go back there. I can't really host them right now - I live in a tiny pop up truck camper. If I went back, took the $10/hr job and started renting I'd have about $400/month to live on by the time I paid rent and CC. Doable, but my mind wrestles against living in poverty again.....:scratch head:

I also noticed that I didn't want to pick up my 3 month old daughter much. I hate having to leave and I think I'm afraid to make a bond with her. The situation is eating me up on the inside and I don't want to feel hurt again. ****ed up I know.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So you miss them (of course) but this is a choice you are making. You don't want to go back because it will put you in a "mental tailspin." I guarantee your kids won't know and don't care. All they know is Dad is not here. Either you be their Dad, or you won't.
And I'm speaking as a mother whose ex hasn't seen the kids in a year.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

You have to live 4 hours a way to find a decent job? I highly doubt that. You're afraid of creating a bond with your child? Do you hear yourself? Your feelings are your problem. Your kids need you! Get over it. You want to see your kids you will find a way to move closer and get a decent job. Sounds like you are full of excuses and self pity. Stop making excuses and do something to fix it before it's too late. Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. Sometimes you just have to make the best of what is left. Counseling would help


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

My situation is very different but similar to. My wife wanted to end marriage in march and i moved out, but stayed local. I could not ever not be near my kids. I have them every friday night and all day saturdays.
If i moved away what relationship could i have with them?
I feel for you as your away from the family you ctave for, and as a dad i know how you feel. but YOU NEED to move back and get a decent place to live, where you can see your kids regualr and have a good base for them. Your relationship will improve with them, be a dad, they will only ever have one dad, be that man.
good luck


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Scott, let me give you some more practical advice. Until you move closer (and please do everything you can to make that happen), call them, even the baby. Let them hear your voice. Ask the older one what was for supper, what (s)he plays with, or who. Can you Skype? Send them a silly package in the mail. Do everything you can do right now to keep that connection.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

You can be broke and get 50/50 custody (or close to it) or you can have more money and see your kids on school vacations, half the holidays and a week or two in the summer. Talk to 10 lawyers. I would tell you to go to divorce dads,com, but you would get shredded there. If you don't move back, you WILL regret it. Even worse, your KIDS will regret it.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Bottom Line and abrupt; you screwed up.

You should have never left the house. You should have filed an emergency temp order for the return of the oldest child(only one born at the time) to the marital home with temp custody. Now you have a situation where she has established status quo with you being 4 hours away.

If there is no court ordered custody you still have full legal rights to your children. Go see them. She can't impede that. Stopping letting her control the situation.

Meanwhile, get over yourself and move back. You won't fix anything 4 hours away.


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## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

Stop being so self centered and worrying about yourself and your own happiness. You have kids they are paramount. If you work hard enough (60 hours a week) to make money for your kids you are not going to have time to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Move back near your kids and make sure you are in their lives as much as possible. Nothing else matters now, be a man be a good father and good luck.


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