# Worried About Husband and Baby



## twilightsparkle

My husband and I have been married almost 3 years. We will be having our first and probably only child in about 5 weeks. 

He never really wanted children, it was something we discussed before we got married, because I have always wanted to be a mother. He said that he would have a baby because I wanted one. (It wasn't quite that cut and dry but several long discussions about it.) He also thought he would never get married, and he said he never loved anyone until he met me. He has not been excited about this pregnancy at all. When people ask he is excited I cover for him and say he is nervous. It seems to make it passable. 

Last night I was talking to him about it, I thought maybe since it's later in the pregnancy and it's getting close, the nursery is done, he's felt the baby move, that maybe it was more real to him and he would be a little more excited. He's not.

I am so terrified that I am going to have this baby, and that when he gets here, my husband will love me less and our son not at all. I am terrified that our child will ruin our marriage. I brought this up to him last night, and he said that he loves me and if he isn't happy he will deal with it. The baby won't ruin our marriage and we won't get a divorce because of baby. I told him I didn't want him to be miserable because of this, and he said that he isn't a miserable person. He said he doesn't love the baby and this isn't real to him just yet. He reminded me that he never believed in love until he met me, he learned to love when we got together, and he would learn to love our son. 

I think this is an amazing and sweet notion, but at the same time I am afraid that it doesn't work like this. I have read that sometimes the fathers don't connect with their babies until they are born, and for others it can take a few months for them to connect. I am just wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this, and if it generally works out, or if I should start now to keep our marriage happy. Should I think about therapy or should I wait and see how things are when the baby gets here? I don't know if there is anything I can do.


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## WhereAmI

This is not uncommon. I've heard it said a million times that men don't feel like fathers until they see their child. My husband didn't seem connected to any of our three while I was pregnant. It was very frustrating. 
Once they were here the love was obvious, though. I think it gets even better around the seven week mark when babies start smiling. 
I would give it some time before seeking outside help. If you're nursing the baby will likely be attached to you on an almost permanent basis. Make sure you ask for help even if you don't need it. They'll bond through touching. 
Congratulations on your first!


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## greeneyeddolphin

Often, men don't love the baby until the baby arrives, or even months later. So, yes, it is possible he will love the baby. 

But, I also do need to point out that you say he agreed to have a baby because you wanted one. If he didn't want a baby, and only went along with what you wanted, then there is always that possibility that he might not ever really connect with and love the baby.

All you can do at this point is wait and see what happens. You can't force anything, and I don't know that rushing off to therapy right now is really going to do anything. He's told you that he believes he'll love the baby after he/she is born; so even if you went to a therapist, if he believes that or is trying to convince himself, I don't think it would really have much of an effect.


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## Pandakiss

first off i love your user name--

but wait until he sees the baby that he has a part in making....
men are nervous about it all at first. its a big responsibility, and half of it falls on him. hes scared about all the "what ifs".

what if i dont like the baby??
what if i change??
what if i lose my job??
what if she changes??
what if we need a bigger house/car??
what if i turn into my father??
what if she turnes into her mother??

there are a lot if things that are running through his mind. i would say cut him slack. the baby will be here soon, soon he will be a father with a baby. let him get in charge of his feelings.
just what i thought after i read your thread.


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## Mrs.G

atruckersgirl said:


> Often, men don't love the baby until the baby arrives, or even months later. So, yes, it is possible he will love the baby.
> 
> But, I also do need to point out that you say he agreed to have a baby because you wanted one. If he didn't want a baby, and only went along with what you wanted, then there is always that possibility that he might not ever really connect with and love the baby.
> 
> All you can do at this point is wait and see what happens. You can't force anything, and I don't know that rushing off to therapy right now is really going to do anything. He's told you that he believes he'll love the baby after he/she is born; so even if you went to a therapist, if he believes that or is trying to convince himself, I don't think it would really have much of an effect.


:iagree:


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## zohaib

Hmmmm...

Don't worry..!
As he has learnd to love you he will start loving your baby also, but it will take some time... so dont be in hurry in the future to say that your husband dont love your baby.
So no need to worry bout it..!

but remember one thing dont try to put all the responsibilities of your baby on your husband..
or else you will listen to saracsm,like "i dont ever wanted BABY"
So try to handle bothwith your love..

So stay cool dont get affraid..


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## bingofuel

I hope so too.
It takes longer for a man to bond with his child than it does the mother especially if the child is breast fed. Men do not have the emotional advantage of corporeal bonding from birth or sustenance. Assuming this supplimentary role is difficult for most men who often feel left out and unnecessary. For me this improved as my daughter started to grow and my interactions with her became more meaningful.

The biggest misconception is that he will be able to "deal with it" himself. Seek help NOW! Things will get out of control before he knows it and then irreparable damage will ensue! I can tell you this from experience (and I WANTED kids!). If I had foreknowledge of what lay ahead, I would definitely have started early. He will need tools for how to deal with the challenges that are to come.


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## AgentD

I really hope when he sees the baby, he does grow to love it, and really wants it, not just because he told you to have one because you wanted one, but because he has fallen in love with his baby. If not, there is a good chance there will be or could be lots of resentments there towards the baby and you. If he never really wanted one, and he is going along with it for all the wrong reasons, once you pay attention to the baby, he will feel left out and the resentment will enter. I'm really hoping this goes in the opposite direction for you though.


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