# agree to disagree with husband



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

i don't understand. my husband and i have been dealing with issues involving trust for a while now. but just last night, i went out with my cousin to celebrate her birthday. she wanted a girls night, and that's basically what it was. i'm not scandalous or anything like that-as far as picking up on guys, or even dancing with them. i buy my own drinks, and repell guys off by flashing my wedding rings. my husband and i have two children (6 and 2 years old). he stayed home with the kids.

so my husband believes it's wrong for a 30 year old wife and mother to go out drinking and clubbing all night long. i don't ever go out. and he gets all over my case as if i go out every weekend. i'm a stay-at-home mom. i am almost finished with my associates degree program for the online classes i am taking. i work hard, getting all As and one B+. one night to hang with my family and friends is just the release i need.

on top of everything else, he straight told me that i'm not allowed to have any guy friends. so i completely deleted all males (who are not family) from my cell phone and facebook. mind you, i never physically see these guys or even speak to them on a regular basis...but it's okay for my husband to have girls on his facebook-including his ex-girlfriend-leaving posts about me (basically complaining about me)-then his friends and his ex leave comments to basically side with him and bash me. he actually SEES and talks to a lot of his female friends on facebook at work.

does anyone think that i'm being treated unfairly? or does he have every right to do all of this?


----------



## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

It seems like you guys need some mutual rules. It isn't fair that you are held to a different standard than he is, no! However, I also don't think his demands are completely outrageous... He should simply expect the same of himself, also.

The FB thing... You deleted all your men friends? Wow. The more I think about it, the stranger I think that is... Personally, I think ex-dating partners and all that should be up for approval, but not the entire gender.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

He has to have some sort of issues or concerns to be upset if you go out with the girls once in a while. I don't think there should be a problem with you going out with the girls, BUT....there are many vairances to that one...there could be issues with what club it is (is it a seedy, meat market?), who the girls are (do they have the same morals you do?), how much you drink (are you sloshed when you get home?).

As far as the facebook thing, same rules for both of you, period. Not to mention the fact that he shouldn't be posting on there complaining about you. It sounds to me like he's trying to get sympathy, attention on there and getting people to "side" with him about issues that should be just between you two.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Any man who complains about his wife publicly is no man at all. It sounds to me like your husband is a petulant child who needs to grow up, fast, and put some faith in you and your marriage. 

If my husband posted nastygrams about me on facebook, or engaged in e-mail or other conversation in which he was running me down and getting others to agree, I would consider that an extraordinarily critical breach of trust, and I would SERIOUSLY consider ending the marriage.

That may sound rather harsh, but in my world, the marriage is a sacred bond and the primary unit. When there are issues to work out, we work them out together. Our public face to the world is one of unequivocal support and unshakeable trust. If that were broken, it would be essential to repair.

With respect to your going out, it seems to me that it's one thing to go out once in a while for a night with friends, and a different matter to be out all the time. The former is a healthy nourishing of your soul - which gives you the health and strength you need to contribute to the marriage - and the latter would be an effort to escape from the marriage. In your case it sounds like your husband doesn't understand this.

Frankly I'd be highly suspicious of any man who tried to be so controlling and to establish the kind of nonsensical double-standards your husband seems to want. You should tell this man to grow the heck up.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're being played. He wants to do what he wants when he wants...but you're a woman, so you can't.

Set your boundaries and set consequences, such as HIM having females on his FB. If you don't start now, he'll be cheating on you in the next five years, if he isn't already.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Please read Mal74's post again.

I am wondering if your husband and your father have the same name. I am wondering if your husband and your father are the same person. I am wondering if you married your father. I am wondering if you THINK you married your father. I am wondering why your husband acts like he is your father. I am wondering why you act like your husband is your father. 

Please read Turnera's post again.

Please get counseling for yourself to help you build self esteem. And so you come to understand you are your own person and are not to allow your husband to tell you what TO do, what you CAN do, and what you CANNOT do. When you have self esteem and confidence in yourself, you will not permit or accept "_he straight told me that i'm not allowed to . . ._" And you will make your husband understand he is not your father and does not tell you what to do, nor does he disrespect you and your marriage the way he has been doing.

Please read Mal74's and Turnera's posts again.


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

He just subscribes to the theory that "ladies can't do what the guys do and still be a lady".  Sounds like your paying for either your past sins or his past sins. He didn't stop you from going out but says that a mother shouldn't stay out drinking and clubbing "all night long". I agree with that. I also don't believe a husband should do that. Maybe make an effort to get home earlier. Facebook is too trivial to argue over. I would sit down and get his expectations of a wife and you give him what yours are of a husband. Cover a broad range of areas and discuss at a time when you guys aren't heated.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

How often DO you go clubbing? Not every weekend, but once a month? Is it always CLUBBING with the girls? Why not a movie and dinner? When you flash the wedding rings, does that really DETER the boys? I would think that would have the opposite effect: no expectations of a call in the morning. Do you repel ALL the boys or just the slimy ones? The nice, good looking ones you party with, right? Do you ever go clubbing with your husband? I thought not. And why is that? Would your husband be proud of your behavior at these meat markets if he saw a video? Do you give him all the details of your clubbing outings or does a little of it stay between the girls?

Funny. It's only 9:00 AM my time and I've already written two posts wondering about that grey area between the black of "he thinks I'm a w.h.o.r.e" and the white of "but I'm really a choir girl".


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree that I was uncomfortable with you saying 'all night long.' I can think of NO circumstance in which you and 'the girls' need to be at the clubs til they shut down. I would have a problem with that, too.


----------

