# So confused



## katscratch (May 4, 2016)

My cheating husband swears he was not in love with his 4 year AP. I found a email from two months ago where he tells her: you are my friend and lover and I believe in you. Wtf? I think he is lying to me! I hate this! !


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Without much to go on from this one post I would have to agree with you, he lied. Whether or not he was in love is another question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katscratch (May 4, 2016)

I have been lurking on this board for a couple months but I can't bring myself to talk about everything. Basically I found a text on my H's phone that said "Nite baby" I asked him and he said it was noone but I got the number and called it. A woman answered and hung up when I asked who is this? Eventually I got the password to his email and I found emails to her in the sent folder dating back to 2012. Stupid jerk. He had deleted everything else. He says he wants to work it out and has ended it with her. How can you just walk away after four years like that? He says he was never in love with her, that he didn't love her and he loves me. But I can't wrap my head around that. I want to believe him, but I can't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

A 4-year affair?

Why bother?

Kick his ass to the curb and file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

katscratch,

Not much details to advise on, but one thing he said is true

Men usually enter into affairs primarily for sex
Women usually begin affairs primarily emotional first

My guess is if he has not professed absolute love and desire to be with her, that he is just using her for sex. most men who cheat actually have no intention of leaving their relationship. Most women are "checked out' emotionally before the affair becomes physical. At least that is what most of the literature says.

If he wants to work it out, and you do, there is a whole lot of stuff you can DEMAND of him. And in order to do that , my first stop if i was you is to an attorney to find out your rights.

Then we need more information on OW before you proceed and if they work together, go to the gym together .

He must be willing to

(1) have NC- that means NONE by the way
(2) turn over the passwords to every electronic device he owne to you.

if you get to that point, then ask for more advice. if not, divorce his ass.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry that you are faced with this betrayal. Cheaters lie, never listen to the words, see the actions. He will promise you the world now but he just wants to have his cake and eat it. Get a lawyer and have him served. Tell all your friends and family about this, expose him for what he is. Let him do damage control while you are busy organising the rest of your life without him. 
Get yourself some therapy, to build yourself up for the painful days ahead. You are worthy of more than this. Don't believe anything he tells you. He has lied to you for 4 years!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

katscratch said:


> My cheating husband swears he was not in love with his 4 year AP. I found a email from two months ago where he tells her: you are my friend and lover and I believe in you. Wtf? I think he is lying to me! I hate this! !


 After 4 years of being in an affair with this other woman, he is well practiced at lying to you. Lying to you is not a one off thing for him, as it has become a defining part of his relationship with you. After 4 years, cheating is his preferred lifestyle. You alone will never be able to measure up to you plus the other woman, which is what he has had over the last 4 years and will want again when you are not looking.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Wow - that must have been so painful to read. It doesn't sound like he is at all remorseful; it's possible the affair is ongoing and "underground." are you doing the 180? Have you read our surveillance thread? Are you in IC for yourself? 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

katscratch said:


> My cheating husband swears he was not in love with his 4 year AP. I found a email from two months ago where he tells her: you are my friend and lover and I believe in you. Wtf? I think he is lying to me! I hate this! !





katscratch said:


> I have been lurking on this board for a couple months but I can't bring myself to talk about everything. Basically I found a text on my H's phone that said "Nite baby" I asked him and he said it was noone but I got the number and called it. A woman answered and hung up when I asked who is this? Eventually I got the password to his email and I found emails to her in the sent folder dating back to 2012. Stupid jerk. He had deleted everything else. He says he wants to work it out and has ended it with her. How can you just walk away after four years like that? He says he was never in love with her, that he didn't love her and he loves me. But I can't wrap my head around that. I want to believe him, but I can't.


There's irony here. Probably, he's being truthful when he tells you that he didn't love her. His email to the AP was probably the lie - he didn't care about her, he was only saying that as the price of getting the sex.

But just because that one statement was truth, it doesn't absolve him of being a liar and a cheater. Whether he loves his AP or not, he doesn't love you. The man can deceive his wife, whom he vowed to honour and cherish, for four years, that is the truth.

Even if he can really end his affair that quickly and never look back doesn't magically turn him into good husband. But more likely, he's just going to be sneakier.

Just because he's probably not lying about this one thing, doesn't make his thousand other lies truth.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

katscratch said:


> I have been lurking on this board for a couple months but I can't bring myself to talk about everything. Basically I found a text on my H's phone that said "Nite baby" I asked him and he said it was noone but I got the number and called it. A woman answered and hung up when I asked who is this? Eventually I got the password to his email and I found emails to her in the sent folder dating back to 2012. Stupid jerk. He had deleted everything else. He says he wants to work it out and has ended it with her. How can you just walk away after four years like that? He says he was never in love with her, that he didn't love her and he loves me. But I can't wrap my head around that. I want to believe him, but I can't.


This type of person is incapable of loving anyone( except himself).
So,he was telling the truth.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> katscratch,
> 
> Not much details to advise on, but one thing he said is true
> 
> ...


I disagree. I think women are after sex when they cheat,as their sex drives are,usually,higher than a man' s past a certain age.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

katscratch said:


> Eventually I got the password to his email and I found emails to her in the sent folder dating back to 2012. Stupid jerk. He had deleted everything else. He says he wants to work it out *and has ended it with her.*


ks,

Liar Cheater Script, straight from the handbook. *See... it's Ended... all better now! *

BTW, the old "Sent Folder" busts them every time. When I caught my wife cheating (Sent Folder), she swore she was "breaking it off". Strange Honey, _last night on FB you were telling OM how much you loved him and what was going to happen when you next see him._

Bottom Line... when WS is initially caught and really can't deny, you see their lips moving, but very few truths come out. They can stare straight into your eyes and deny, deflect, and minimal-ize. Seen it first hand, really hard to comprehend. It's nothing more than innate survival mode in action.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to get STD tests. Sorry about this but your health might depend on these tests.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> His email to the AP was probably the lie - he didn't care about her, he was only saying that as the price of getting the sex.



I think this is spot on, men will say whatever just to get sex, I would take it w a grain of salt, the biggest issue here is the 4 years of betraying you OP.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

katscratch said:


> I want to believe him, but I can't.


The cold hard fact is that as long as you are together, you will never, ever be able to believe a word he says unless you can independently verify it.


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