# Stringing me along?



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

My stbxw keeps throwing me bones. Little things like a cute text, a call when she is sad, texting about things that you would normally call someone about...
Anyone have any experience with this?

Most tell me she is just keeping me on the hook as a backup and such. Hard for me to believe it is intentional but it is starting to seem like it?

I can't stop caring and she knows that. What does one do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

I think that's along the line of rule 4,"lazy communication", on 10 Break Up Boundaries from Jellybeans's post.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/24866-10-break-up-boundaries.html


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do you do say to yourself: This is BULLSH!T and don't give in.

Be cool, calm, collected.

If she writes you some long drawn out emotional mush tell her "I am sorry you are feeling that way. I can appreciate it as we are both going through a lot. Hope you are well."

That's it. Don't be her blanket of emotional support.

She chose this so let her deal with the fall-out.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

DON'T BE HER SHOULDER TO CRY ON!!!!!
I did this in the beginning and all it did was boost her ego so the divorce was easier on her. Nevermind when I needed her she was no where to be found. She is just using you to get over the sting of this and will dump you like a sack of bricks the moment she feels better. 

Ok, this is a unhealthy codependent attachment and she is losing respect for you by the day. Let me put it like this.... If you love her, then stop loving her and enabling her to sponge off of you. She needs to experience what divorce really means without you in her life. 

Tell her this beautiful line I found on another forum..... "I know you're hurting too, but this was your decision and because of that, I'm the only person in the world who can't make you feel better about it. I've tried everything I could to make you feel better and stay friends through this but I have to let you go". 

She broke up with you so accept her deal and finish what she started by breaking up with her too.... Tell her you need time to cool off and reject her for a while. Trust me, she will respect you even more for not chasing after her or wanting her when she's being cold towards you. Give her six months to experience what lonliness and pain divorce brings and see that the grass isn't all that greener. Don't worry abou her dating.... that's none of your buisness and that guy can never replace you. 

Once you get back your confidence, take her off her pedestal, and completely stop needing her..... you can think about talking to her a little. This is not to say you cant say "hello" every once in a while but you both need this time to grow and heal.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

scione said:


> I think that's along the line of rule 4,"lazy communication", on 10 Break Up Boundaries from Jellybeans's post.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/24866-10-break-up-boundaries.html


I didn't see this post by jelly beans. Good article. Thanks for posting the link again. I kinda needed this kick in my butt today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Seriously, nice work Jellybeans! 
I just read the whole thing twice. I think there is a little more to #4 that can be elaborated. Something to do with contacting you to test your emotional investment and keep you in the little black book, since some people competely change numbers to avoid exes. There's more to it involving jealousy attempts and codependency, cries for help, and emergencies but those all have to do with ego stroking.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

"Now you're just somebody that I use to know."


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

That is really good stuff Jellybeans. Really good. Some hard stuff to swallow but on point for sure. It is really weird, I posted this thread this morning and later today she sent me a text about something that I would normally call right away about. B/c of this thread I did not. 

TOTAL SILENCE from her since that moment. So predictable and sad.

Nsweet - You really are a person who understands this mess we are all in. Getting her off the pedestal is something I can't seem to do but am confident I will in time. How oh how do I stop wanting her!?!?! 
I think the thing you say that makes the most sense in my life is this, "If you love her, then stop loving her and enabling her to sponge off of you. She needs to experience what divorce really means without you in her life. " And you're right about her losing respect for me every time I bend over backwards. God I hope I can get this through my thick skull.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She knows exactly what she's doing.

In fact, just bust out and ask her what's up...ask if she's just trying to keep you around.

I bet she gets all defensive cause you'll have blown her cover. 

Women aren't stupid.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She knows exactly what she's doing.
> 
> In fact, just bust out and ask her what's up...ask if she's just trying to keep you around.
> 
> ...


My therapist says exactly this, that she knows exactly what she is doing. What an awful thing to do intentionally if it is true!

She is certainly not stupid but I never would have guessed she would be malicious. Selfish yes, but this is downright MEAN if it is being done on purpose.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sd,

Let me give you a little boost in his absence:

*The hell with the b*tch!*

She either wants you or she doesn't.

She's made her choice.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> "Now you're just somebody that I use to know."


Exactly. Last time I saw my ex (at a wake no less) for the first time in 2.5 months that's exactly how I felt about her. She felt alien and familiar at the same time. Odd.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I think my STBXW is doing the same thing. Last week she wanted to get a check for the last month of our cell family plan and texted asking if she could come over. I said no, I'll leave it at her place when I picked up our oldest daughter (xw was still at work). 

Then on Sunday when picking up our daughters she says that she needs me to sign a form allowing her to skip her car payment this month (she's always been bad at managing money). Since my name is on the note too, I said yes to save my credit. Later that night she texts asking if she can come over tomorrow (yesterday) for me so sign it. I said no I already have plans, but send it with our youngest daughter to daycare and I'll send it back with her to daycare the next day. 

And now today, just 10 minutes after I get off work, she texts me saying the form is in our youngest daughter's bag, that she bought new toothbrushes for them to keep at my house but that she forgot to pack toothpaste and she's really sorry. I said it's fine, I've already got toothpaste for them, and I'll put her mail and the form in the bag as promised. She said "Ok, thanks. " She hasn't texted me an emoticon in weeks. 

Nothing nearly as major as "Wanna hang out?" or anything, but I've been 180 dark for essentially a month now. There was a period where we didnt text for about 2-3 weeks, but know its almost every other day frlm her. She's starting to fish a little. And I wish she would stop. She chose to have an EA, she chose to move out, and she chose to ignore my attempts to reconcile. I'm done now. I'm trying to be civil, but that's all I can do. I'm not doing the 180 to win her back...I'm doing the 180 to move on. Maybe she'll finally get it someday and stop playing games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Thanks sd212, 
If can get off my @$$ and actually get through college, I'll work on becoming a divorce coach and writing a book like DR that's actually worth a damn.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

toolforgrowth you are smart keep at that 180, it will just keep making you stronger
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> She felt alien and familiar at the same time. Odd.


Made me laugh. 

SD--she is prob used to getting a reaction out of you. So stop reacting. Change the game. Don't react. They say the opposite of love is indifference.

Time and NO CONTACT are the ONLY way you can get over someone. Everyone's grieving process is on a different timed schedule. Some are quick to move on, others are not. Don't beat yourself up cause you're not moved past it. Just make sure you aren't taking her bait. She prob wants and expects you to fawn all over her.

My own exH just contacted me this week (our divorce was finalized just over a year now) saying how he thinks about me daily and it's still so emotionally painful for him. To which I think, But you didn't want to put in the work to fix our marriage. 

It's all bullsh*t. Words are nothing when you stack them against a person's actions.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> toolforgrowth you are smart keep at that 180, it will just keep making you stronger
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks very much, Unsure.  I will say this: when it comes to dealing with my stbxw, I feel much stronger than I ever did...even when we were together.

I have my rough days...yesterday was a really rough day. Another couple (both of whom are really good friends of mine) are going through a rough patch, and one thinks there may be a small possibility of EA, and it made me trigger something fierce. I finally had to tell my friend to change the subject because the triggering was so bad.

But then I came home and worked on divorce stuff, and that made me feel better. I was still able to get a good night's sleep. If I can do that, then I know I'm in an okay place mentally.  I rarely have sleepless nights or trouble sleeping anymore. I take that as a good sign.

But yeah. stbxw is fishing. I'm preparing for when she asks to hang out or go to coffee or something, so I can say no. Not unless she's willing to have FULL disclosure and come completely clean. If she can't do that...well, too bad, so sad.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OMG!

What a user she is.

Go dark


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

toolforgrowth said:


> But then I came home and worked on divorce stuff, and that made me feel better. I was still able to get a good night's sleep. If I can do that, then I know I'm in an okay place mentally.  I rarely have sleepless nights or trouble sleeping anymore. I take that as a good sign.


That IS a good sign 

I used to struggle with sleep a lot during my separation and even after my divorce.

It was only very recently that I noticed that for the first time in 2.5 years, I was no longer sleeping on what was "my" side of the bed. It made me smile.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> That IS a good sign
> 
> I used to struggle with sleep a lot during my separation and even after my divorce.
> 
> It was only very recently that I noticed that for the first time in 2.5 years, I was no longer sleeping on what was "my" side of the bed. It made me smile.


Lol I bet it did. Good for you. 

Once I quit trying to reconcile, and realized that it wasn't my fault she cheated, and I truly realized I wanted to divorce, it was like a weight had been lifted. And when I finally took action and got the ball rolling on divorce, sleep came naturally. 

I don't need her to be happy. Hell, I don't need ANYONE to be happy. Sure, what she did still hurts and probably will to some degree for the rest of my life. But I won't let it define the rest of my existence.  That's what the 180 has taught me. They were right when they said that after a successful 180, it's usually the BS who doesn't want to go back. So true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

SD: Go dark and work on not letting her actions affect you either way. She knows she still has power over you. It takes time so don't beat yourself up. 

Jellybeans: the list is magnificent. Really good advice there. 

NSweet: I've enjoyed reading your posts. So much good information. Sounds like you understand a lot about this whole deal. I'm dealing with similar stuff. Have a trip to Disney coming up with STBXW and my son. This was planned from before. Having second thoughts about going but want to be there for my son's bday. Yesterday was trigger day.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Lifescript,
I understand your feelings about DIsneyworld, I went there with my stbxw and two kids last September during our whole ordeal. I thought the trip was a good thing, it felt like we were a normal family. My ex said that she felt at the time that she was at a crossroads when we were down there. Just focus on your son. It's tough, I wish no one had to go through what we go through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Proud: It's just so weird to know we will be going to Disney. This is supposed to be a big deal. And it will ... this will be my son's first time there but doing it while dealing with everything else is stressful and sad. Like you suggest, I'll focus on my son and let things go from there. Thanks for sharing your experience.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

SD: How are things going with you? Hope you doing better.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

So nice of you to ask Life. 

Well, I guess I'm OK. Unfortunately that is probably b/c I spent most of the weekend with her and the kids. It was her weekend with them and we ended up hanging out all together alot. When we are all together, i can pretend I have my "family" and my "wife" back and that feels so good. But alas, I'm here alone tonight.

She's like a drug. I can't quit her. Its not even like it used to me, its just comfortable and it is like I need my fix. She gives me just enough to get me by. Then I get cut off again. Argh.

Eh, it is getting easier and easier though. I went out with a friend last night and she is introducing me to a girl on Tuesday who she thinks I would hit it off with. I'm kinda excited about that ; )


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sd212 said:


> So nice of you to ask Life.
> 
> Well, I guess I'm OK. Unfortunately that is probably b/c I spent most of the weekend with her and the kids. It was her weekend with them and we ended up hanging out all together alot. When we are all together, i can pretend I have my "family" and my "wife" back and that feels so good. But alas, I'm here alone tonight.
> 
> She's like a drug. I can't quit her. Its not even like it used to me, its just comfortable and it is like I need my fix. She gives me just enough to get me by. Then I get cut off again. Argh.


Of course, you are in a fog of your own and just like a cheating spouse, the only way to come out of it is through NC (no contact) with your stbxw. Granted that you have to deal with her because of the kids but you can follow in toolforgrowth's foot steps and start detoxing from her.



> Eh, it is getting easier and easier though. I went out with a friend last night and she is introducing me to a girl on Tuesday who she thinks I would hit it off with. I'm kinda excited about that ; )


Great. A date can be a great boost to the old battered ego but you must exercise caution not to get in too deep before you finalize the divorce and have a chance to emotionally heal. It wouldn't be fair to you and the woman you get involved with, if your stbxw was not completely out of your system.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

SD: I'm dealing with a similar situation. Because of my son I find myself doing things with STBXW and this is kind of delaying the completion of my detachment from her. While she is at school I stay with our son in the apt (what was home to me) and it brings me back to the past. 

SD, you have to try to let her go bro. I know how hard this is. It's the sense of a family we sorely miss more than anything sometimes but you won't get closure and be completely happy until you erase her from you. You will go through withdrawal symptoms as if she really was a drug but its the natural process of taking someone out of your life. 

In the end, I believe the quickest way for all of us in this situation would be to find a new love, just like our wives have done. Perhaps this date is the initiation of that for you but like Morituri said take things slow.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> In the end, I believe the quickest way for all of us in this situation would be to find a new love, just like our wives have done. Perhaps this date is the initiation of that for you but like Morituri said take things slow.


I completely agree with this. I'm not trying to rush into anything at all but I firmly believe that the reason I can't quit pining for my stbxw is that I am not seeing someone.
People want to say that you should be fine alone but I really want to be with someone. Not need to but want to. I'm confident that when I meet someone I will truly start seeing my stbxw for what she is and was. She gives me just enough to ease her guilt but nothing even close to loving me. She also knows that sexually I am EXTREMELY attracted to her and struggling with that part being cut off. We've never talked about it or anything but she knows and has so much power b/c of it. I am so excited for the day when I find the woman who makes me laugh about what I thought was love! The woman who loves me for who I am and is perfectly happy.

I'd bet the farm that my wife comes back after the divorce is final and I can't wait to be able to tell her its too late. I'm close.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sd212 said:


> So nice of you to ask Life.
> 
> Well, I guess I'm OK. Unfortunately that is probably b/c I spent most of the weekend with her and the kids. It was her weekend with them and we ended up hanging out all together alot. When we are all together, i can pretend I have my "family" and my "wife" back and that feels so good. But alas, I'm here alone tonight.
> 
> ...



Exactly. I had a good weekend. Son and I saw the Avengers. Then, I got them overnight last night, so, they were dropped off late afternoon. I asked my wife if she wanted me to grill or all go to dinner, but she had errands to run.

I keep thinking, so this is what it's gonna be now? I don't like it, but what choice do I have?

And, yes, the more you around new people, especially women, the less you will think about your stbx. Of course there will be potholes, but you will transition.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Jayb: I went to the movies with my son this weekend too but because of his age instead of the Avengers we ended up watching Pirates: Band of Misfits (not a good movie but my son enjoyed it). 

Once a new lady steps into our lives we will forget STBXWs. Think about it right now there is nothing to fill the void they left but if you replace that void with a loving, caring, woman the ghost of ex wives will start fading rather quickly I think.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> SD: I'm dealing with a similar situation. Because of my son I find myself doing things with STBXW and this is kind of delaying the completion of my detachment from her. While she is at school I stay with our son in the apt (what was home to me) and it brings me back to the past.
> 
> SD, you have to try to let her go bro. *I know how hard this is. It's the sense of a family we sorely miss more than anything sometimes but you won't get closure and be completely happy until you erase her from you. You will go through withdrawal symptoms as if she really was a drug but its the natural process of taking someone out of your life.
> 
> In the end, I believe the quickest way for all of us in this situation would be to find a new love, just like our wives have done. Perhaps this date is the initiation of that for you but like Morituri said take things slow*.



I agree. All of us together is a reminder, no matter how strong. 

I go back and forth on dating someone new; almost like a range of emotions. Feel like I'd be cheating on my wife, not sure of being interested in new woman, missing my wife more intensely, to falling in love way too quickly.

So, I'm nowhere near ready for any of that. Right now, I just want a group of friends I can call up to hang out with. Platonic relationships.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

My stbxwh and still spend too much time together with our son and without him. It is making detaching impossible, yet I haven't made the 180 a priority. Someone said earlier on this thread that we BS's are also in a fog and need our fix from our spouses. I know for sure that is what I'm doing. My h doles out crumbs and I take them but that makes me want more and if I don't get them it sends me backwards and I start trying to explain it all to him. He wants me when I don't contact him but the minute I give in his wall goes up and he starts judging me again. I feel like I'm in highschool. I can't figure out if the OW is everything I'm not so that's whats attractive about her or if he makes her out to be awsome to justify what he did all these years. All I know is I will never be what he wants for the long hall. He just told me this morning that his biggest struggle with wanting to work it out with me is letting go of the resentments and accepting me for who I am. I wanted to point out to him that his biggest struggle should be ending it with OW. I didn't though. It's amazing to me that he can say this sh!t to me knowing that I am willing to accept him and let go of my resentments of his cruelty for so many years. Sorry this was quite a thread jack. Guess I needed to vent. One day soon I hope to confidently say that I'm not anyone's back plan. Back to the thread-----But I don't think a date with someone else will fix this.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

sd212 said:


> I completely agree with this. I'm not trying to rush into anything at all but I firmly believe that the reason *I can't quit pining for my stbxw is that I am not seeing someone.*
> *People want to say that you should be fine alone but I really want to be with someone. Not need to but want to. I'm confident that when I meet someone I will truly start seeing my stbxw for what she is and was. * She gives me just enough to ease her guilt but nothing even close to loving me. She also knows that sexually I am EXTREMELY attracted to her and struggling with that part being cut off. We've never talked about it or anything but she knows and has so much power b/c of it. I am so excited for the day when I find the woman who makes me laugh about what I thought was love! The woman who loves me for who I am and is perfectly happy.
> 
> I'd bet the farm that my wife comes back after the divorce is final and* I can't wait to be able to tell her its too late. *I'm close.


I totally get this. I can sit here today and say I have thought the same. I have married friends who tell me not to date/get in a relationship until I know who I am. How am I going to rediscover me if I keep doing what I have been doing (work and mama)? I believe in going out and having fun while I am deciding what I want in my next phase of life etc...

I don't need someone but I like and want a person in my life (and I miss sex).

I did the 180 and I have finally got to the 'indifferent' feelings about my stbxh. I mean there are days where I am angry at him but it's more about the situation he has put the family in and that he is controlling all aspects of it. 

Good luck! You can get there!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

sd212 said:


> I want to say that you should be fine alone but I really want to be with someone. Not need to but want to. I'm confident that when I meet someone I will truly start seeing my stbxw for what she is and was.


I hear you. I am a relationship guy. I'm choosy from the start, so I tend to fall for someone I am ready to date. That's what happened with my ex-wife. I enjoy being a husband, friend, lover, etc. to one person who can love me back.



> I'd bet the farm that my wife comes back after the divorce is final and I can't wait to be able to tell her its too late.


As for my ex-wife, I feel she is still comfortable knowing I've not yet moved on with my life, dating-wise. At this point, I doubt she would want to come back, and I know I am better off with someone else. 

Still there are days when I would love to have her back, but then I remember I need to take off the rose-coloured glasses.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Mama, I see a lot of us here struggling with this. Perhaps overanalyzing whether to date or not. Morally, I feel is best to wait but I also think dating someone would help accelerate the process, get out of the mess our spouses put us in. So with that in mind I feel if any of us see an opportunity we should take it. I'm not saying go on a dating spree and start banging every man or woman out there but go out and do something. The problem lies in not knowing if 1. this will actually help or not 2. feeling guilty about it. But I think is best to do something than not do anything. Our spouses decided they didn't want us anymore and so I don't see why we have or should put a stop on finding happiness because the divorce which like marrige is nothing more than a stupid piece of paper is not finished. Just my 2 cents.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> Mama, I see a lot of us here struggling with this. Perhaps overanalyzing whether to date or not. Morally, I feel is best to wait but I also think dating someone would help accelerate the process, get out of the mess our spouses put us in. So with that in mind I feel if any of us see an opportunity we should take it. I'm not saying go on a dating spree and start banging every man or woman out there but go out and do something. The problem lies in not knowing if 1. this will actually help or not 2. feeling guilty about it. But I think is best to do something than not do anything. Our spouses decided they didn't want us anymore and so I don't see why we have or should put a stop on finding happiness because the divorce which like marrige is nothing more than a stupid piece of paper is not finished. Just my 2 cents.


I agree and struggled with those questions at one time. 
I feel better getting out there that's for sure
My confidence is up and I have no more romantic feelings for him. I can't wait to be over the anger next... it's less and less, but I am sure that will change as the process of D gets going. 
We were married in our hearts before we were married in the church/state and we are divorced in our hearts before we are divorced by the state... time to move on


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I agree and struggled with those questions at one time.
> I feel better getting out there that's for sure
> My confidence is up and I have no more romantic feelings for him. I can't wait to be over the anger next... it's less and less, but I am sure that will change *as the process of D gets going*.
> We were married in our hearts before we were married in the church/state and we are divorced in our hearts before we are divorced by the state... time to move on



Mine will be picking up very, very soon. I am dreading it. First, it's the cold, hard reality that the end is nigh. Secondly, for financial reasons. I don't want to pay my lawyer 1 more cent! 

I am starting Divorce Care class tomorrow to help prepare myself for this upcoming process. We are at the draft an agreement/mediation stage, but I'd rather the 2 of us sit down and do it, rather than formally before lawyers. However, either way, the end of our marriage is closing in.

And, it's like a 2x4 upside the head, all over again.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Jayb, I see you are really having a hard time coming to terms with the ending of your marriage. I'm really sorry bro. But just as you've seen with other members here, life will go on for you. No one knows what God has in store for you brother - I hope a lot of happiness and better days for you.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> Jayb, I see you are really having a hard time coming to terms with the ending of your marriage. I'm really sorry bro. But just as you've seen with other members here, life will go on for you. No one knows what God has in store for you brother - I hope a lot of happiness and better days for you.


I am. It's like I'm competing with other members of TAM for who can hold on the longest/hardest.

LOL.

Thank you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jayb said:


> I am. It's like I'm competing with other members of TAM for who can hold on the longest/hardest.
> 
> LOL.
> 
> Thank you.


Jay,

It's clear you don't feel like you've had a chance when you were able to give it your "best shot"

You're going to have to find a way to reconcile those feelings within yourself.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jayb,
Brother this is a tough time for both of us, we are the same because we didn't want this divorce, but it's the hand that's been given to us. Every day I still have moments that I think I can't do this, but the truth is we have to. Our old lives don't exist anymore, I don't like the limbo sad rejected feeling that has been me lately. I have to get better, for me, for my kids, I turn 35 next month...I still have a lot of living to do.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Jay,
> 
> It's clear you don't feel like you've had a chance when you were able to give it your "best shot"
> 
> You're going to have to find a way to reconcile those feelings within yourself.



Yep. That's my challenge. How to reconcile that within myself. As well as forgive myself for my failings.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Jayb,
> Brother this is a tough time for both of us, we are the same because we didn't want this divorce, but it's the hand that's been given to us. *Every day I still have moments that I think I can't do this, but the truth is we have to*. Our old lives don't exist anymore, I don't like the limbo sad rejected feeling that has been me lately. I have to get better, for me, for my kids, I turn 35 next month...I still have a lot of living to do.




You're right. I think I'm making progress because those strong overwhelming negative thoughts are less and I can overcome them faster than I used to be able to.


I need to work on focusing on my children 100% when they're with me and not let my feelings distract me. Every minute.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jayb said:


> Yep. That's my challenge. How to reconcile that within myself. As well as forgive myself for my failings.


If you want to heal from this, let go of the feeling you've failed. A separation is never clear-cut, and we'll always look for answers we'll never find. I'll point out Conrad's signature "Forgive or Re-Live". To me, part of the quote means forgiving yourself. 

I read an article recently about how sometimes we're with someone until one has learned what he/she can from the other. Only a few relationships last and flourish forever. I think that was the case in mine. At some point, nothing was going to make a difference.

Additionally, as the saying goes, sh*t happens. No rhyme or reason to it sometimes. It sucks, it hurts, but then again, after the fog lifts consider the possibility of being with someone who is truly there with you and rocks your world. A lot to be said for that.


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