# How to tell the kids?



## psychman (Jul 2, 2010)

I am planning on leaving my wife in the next few days. I have tried to talk with her but it is impossible because all the problems are mine, her temper flares immediately, plus she continues to deny an ongoing affair of which I have a proof, but she says is just misinterpretation of a male friendship. (actually I have proof of multiple secret emotional affairs but don't have direct proof of physical affairs).

My surprise moving out will be an extreme surprise to my kids (and her because she thinks I will continue to put up with the situation, as I have in the past). The kids are aware of the rising tension between us over the past few years but we have never argued in front of them and they have no idea what their mother has been doing at work, over the years.

I have a 22 year old, a 19 year old, and a 16 year old. All are doing well in school and in their relationships. In that regard I feel vindicated for working to stay in the marriage. The kids aren't aware of the depth of our problems (yes they are aware of the tension).

What do I say to them on the day I move out? I don't want them to fall apart and I want to maintain a close relationship with my son (in fact I will only be moving a mile away).


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Don't go into depth, the worst that parents can do when they separate/divorce is to talk bad about their spouses with the children. If they are mature, they van understand that sometimes things do not go as planned, keep being their father even if you will not live in the same house, accept they are going to suffer but try to explain to them that is better for them to see both their parents happy but appart than seeing them in an unhappy marriage. Time will heal all wounds and they will have to accept it just give them time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I guess my question is this: Why are you the one moving out? If she's being unfaithful and choosing others above you, put her out. And if you moving is somewhat more convenient, why would you leave your children with a spouse who's dishonest and untrustworthy? 

I'm not trying to get you to utterly change all your plans in one or two days but rather reconsider your way of thinking. Even though they are older, they are still children and don't have the emotional tools you do to deal with this. Now all-in-all it sounds like your idea to move out and enforce your boundary is a fine idea--but I'd challenge you to take the kids with you. Don't just leave them with an adulterous spouse. 

YOU would then be at your new place, enforcing your boundary of a faithful spouse or nothing (not accepting less) but meanwhile they would be with her and even optimistically her version of answers is FAR from the truth! She is a disloyal spouse in the foggy-dizziness of an affair! That means everything is your fault, you're to blame, and the reason she is justified in her cheating is because she's totally re-written history to make you the bad guy. THAT is what the kids would be living with! 

Thus if you're set to move out, I would AT MINIMUM also set it up so that the kids are with you 3-4 days a week. Honestly the ideal thing would be for you and the kids to stay home (I mean seriously--you and the kids didn't leave the marriage, why should you have to leave your home, your beds, your neighborhood, etc.) and have her leave. But if she's stubborn...okay you move but take those kids with you! 

And yeah it may be hard to have them with you and juggle all those schedules and things...but single parents do that and you can do it too! You're kids mean more to you than to leave them to the influence of an adulterer who's so addicted to their affair they are willing to throw away their family!!

Regarding telling the kids--your children are not infants or even young anymore. I would tell them the truth without demonizing their mother. Something like this would work:

"I'm moving out and separating from your mother because although I love her very much and want to work out our marital difficulties together, she's had more than one affair and that doesn't work for me. I've asked her to stop and I have proof it's more than a friendship and she refuses. As soon as she ends her infidelity I'd LOVE to reunite, but I will not accept emotional attachment to other men because our vows were for 100% off our affection and loyalty ONLY FOR EACH OTHER. She has given both to another man and I will no longer have that in my life. Now I know this hurts and confuses you, and I want you to be sure you understand I love you DEEPLY and would not have this as an example of a healthy relationship for you. I will be in your life and you will be in mine--in fact I have a room just for you at my new place. This is not about you except that I would like you to see that a healthy, loving marriage does not include third parties."


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Take them out. Tell them the truth - the whole truth, about your reasons for leaving. It doesn't need to take the form of "your mother is a cheating w.h.o.r.e"
Again, the truth is fine. "Any healthy relationship requires love and respect. Your mother and I no longer have that. Your mother is engaged in behavior that I have repeatedly asked her to refrain from, and will no longer tolerate."

Your kids are much older than mine - which is why I think they need, and deserve more information. If you don't tell them the truth, you will be painted with a brush and colors chosen by your cheating spouse.

Below is a copy paste from a much older thread where I addressed this question:


***
What I have to say is based on having lived through this discussion as a teenager, and then having it as an adult with my own young children, ages 6 and 3 at the time.

My parents divorce was a train-wreck. When they pulled us together for 'the talk', they used the standard opener with me and my two younger siblings;
"You kids didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault. This is between mom and dad."

Don't use this line. By highlighting what your kids didn't do, and what isn't their fault, they will start thinking about what they did do, and what is their fault, despite the warning.

Both of my parents became very emotional. It created tremendous uncertainty, instability and an overwhelming sense of tragedy. It cascaded into an avalanche of pain and confusion. I will never in my life forget my brother pleading with my parents, sobbing and saying "I'll behave. I'll be good." My parents cried more as a result - so the kids cried more. Seeing my brother and sister in that much pain, broke me too.

Don't. If you cannot have the talk without becoming emotional in responding to the kids or your spouse... then don't have the talk. Here is my perspective, you get to form your own. I had a 'no tears policy' when it came to telling the children.

Children are mirrors. Their feelings will often reflect what they see and sense. As adults, yes, we know that the death of a marriage is absolutely heartbreaking and tragic. You do not, and should not, need to reflect that fact when telling your children. There is no upside to making sure that they understand and feel in no uncertain terms that the bottom just fell out of their world.

They are not nearly as interested in feelings as they are in behavior. To younger children, behavior reflects feelings. Mom and dad represent safety, security, and stability. If mom and dad get swept up in guilt, sadness, remorse, or other powerful emotions - you are going to sweep up your kids in the riptide, and in my view, you are being irresponsible. You need to reflect strength and stability.

It's ok if they do not understand. It's ok if they are sad. Validate those feelings. But if they see you emulating calm, strength and control, they will still believe that mom and dad will hold together the fabric of their world. And as parents, you had damn well better.

The kids neither need, nor want details. They don't need to know why. They don't need to know about whose fault it is, who has an addiction, or who is screwing someone else. This is specifically geared towards younger kids. Teens and young adults are a different story. If they ask the hard questions, you need to answer them honestly without coloring the response with your own bias. You can have that talk later.
Be short and to the point. Don't ramble.

"Sometimes mommies and daddies decide that they work best when they each have their own house. So do you know what? You guys are now going to have two houses. So now you will have two bedrooms! One at mommies house, and one at daddy's house. And sometimes you will have sleepovers at mommies house and other times you will have sleepovers at daddy's house. Mom will put on the calendar when we get to have sleepovers at daddy's. And we will get to do fun things, and best of all, we will still have our family."

The above is pretty much verbatim what I said. I said it with wide eyes and a smile, almost making it sound exciting. The reality of the circumstances were going to be the same whether I delivered the message sobbing or with a smile. Want to take a wild guess how they reacted?

My son asked, "but you will still sleep here too?"
My response, "Nope, daddy will sleep and wake up at his own house. But it will be just like when you wake up in the morning and daddy has gone to work."

I did most of the talking. And much to her credit, my spouse held back tears, and when she spoke it was to repeat, and reassure the kids of something I had just said.
I strove to put things in a context that they were already familiar with. I continued to come to the house two nights a week to help with bedtime and read stories. As time passed, we weened away from that practice.

My spouse and I treat parenting like a business, or a job. Regardless of whether or not you get along with everyone in your workplace, you still have to work together to do the job right. I recognize that not all dissolutions are going to be free of acrimony or pain, but I firmly believe that how loved or secure your children feel has little to do with where each parent resides. It is much more about how each parent makes them feel, and responds to their feelings.

You can absolutely convince your children that your divorce, and their lives are about to become a nightmare - or just as easily convince them that they don't need to be frightened and you will take care of them. Just as you always have. 

But I agree with 'keep it simple and brief'. Your


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## psychman (Jul 2, 2010)

A big Thank You! to everyone who has replied. Much food for thought and very helpful.
To El Guapo: Coming to the conclusion that I must leave has been very hard due to lack of direct evidence combined with the fact that we get along OK and can be friends. I did not want to leave and end up just visiting my kids every couple weeks. I believe I did the right thing because my kids are doing extremely well.

In regard to evidence, I had years of evidence that she was going out to secret lunches at restaurants every 6 to 8 weeks (after catching her twice and asking her to stop), but could not tell for sure if she was meeting them elsewhere (if so, not often). I also had several worrisome comments from her girlfriends about how adept she was at meeting guys, the several times she was away from home with them. She is very adept at flirting and can easily pick up guys. She seems desperate for male attention when not with me and even creepy guys are attractive to her.

So, we got along OK at home and there has been no evidence there of what she does when at work or vacationing/conferencing with friends, and I had no direct evidence of anything but sporadic lunches. Though my gut said she was doing alot more, especially when travelling elsewhere.

She appeared to stop, was much nicer, and I stopped watching so closely. But, then noticed that on a couple saturdays when I was out-of-town she lied to me about going into her workplace for several hours (she never goes in on a weeekend). So, started watching again (car tracking, phone records, checking her email accounts). Then , discovered she went out for drinks one night with boss while I was out-of-town. She did come home afterwards. Recently I discovered an email in which my wife offers to meet for sex and her boss thinks it is a good idea. (*for more info see my 7/1 post "secret lunches" on the considering separation or divorce forum*). 

The email chat was a shock to me as I saw her "in action" for the first time, and even worse, with a well-known creep (to quote her female friends).


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## psychman (Jul 2, 2010)

oops, I should have said my 7/4 post on Considering Separation and Divorce.

and there is still a part of me that is ambivalent and wondering if I misread or have overreacted. Though my wife's overt "I married an Idiot" attitude the last several days, combined with a planned trip to Vegas this weekend with her girlfriends, are reinforcing my efforts to end the marriage.


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