# Husband lacking physical affection from wife



## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I have been married to my wife for 12 years, and we have a 4 year old daughter together. My wife and i dated for several years before getting married. Even before we got married, she wasnt affectionate towards me. We have always had sex fairly regularly, and still do, but other than that, she provides no physical affection. She will hug me back if i hug her, but thats about it. She wont ever cuddle, and says she just doesnt like to by physically affectionate. This has always bothered me off and on during our marriage. In the past few years it has bothered me more and more. I have brought it up numerous times, but she just gets upset and doesnt want to talk about it. She refuses to go to any kind of counseling with me. I havent gone yet on my own, but told her that i plan to. I have even brought up divorce to her, but she still wont go. I havent directly said that i will divorce her if she wont go. I never thought i could feel so lonely while being married. We dont spend much time together, even though we could because we can live off our investments and neither of us have a job. So in an ideal marriage, we could spend alot of time together but it seems we have sort of grown apart. I do still work on the investments, and have hobbies to keep me busy. There are times when i will go a few days without thinking about it too much, but it always comes back, especially at night when we are in bed, and I'm wishing i had someone to cuddle with. Im not a very social person, so i dont have friends that i would feel comfortable talking to about this, so i kept it to myself for about 10 years. I am 42 years old and realize how short life is. I know that divorce would be difficult to go through and i worry about our daughter if we got divorced. Any feedback or advice would be appreciated... Thanks


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Nobody’s perfect. She hugs you back and the sex is pretty regular. How’s her cooking, mothering, and housekeeping? Maybe you could get some footsie in at least if not full on snuggling?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ahhh the 40s. 

Different love languages? I hear your loneliness and I am so sorry, that image you present of lying in bed and aching for her cuddle is very sad. 

I don’t know what to say, yes like the above poster says, what’s she like elsewhere? 

You might leave and get a cuddler at night, but she might lack in other areas.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> You might leave and get a cuddler at night, but she might lack in other areas.


This is the danger of pursuing the unknown.

I think this is the primary reason I stay in my own marriage, despite lack of sexual fulfillment, my current wife is far better than my two previous wives. In fact, I had a wife who was ready for sex at almost any imaginable time. Problem was, she was ready for it with others, too.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

I feel your pain.
There was a point in my life where I was looking into cuddle buddies as my need for reassuring touch was so great. But it was my husbands arms I wanted.

All I can offer as hope, is that you slowly build up some regular patterns of touch, so that your wife becomes more accustomed to it, and starts to feel it's absence when you don't. Hopefully she will start to make the first move sometimes, as she becomes more comfortable and confident with it.

The need is on your side, and your wife never deceived you about who she is. So you will have to be the one to manage your needs and your resentment.

Somebody who doesn't have this same need can't change character and lead this.
You will have to.

And sometimes the more you think about something that is missing in your life, the longer it stays missing.
You need to make sure you don't start a downward spiral here.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

kr777 said:


> My wife and i dated for several years before getting married. Even before we got married, she wasnt affectionate towards me.


I just don't understand how people expect others to magically change after the ring is on their finger. You knew this about her before you were married and yet you married her anyway. Now you're unhappy? Sorry dude, but this one is on you.


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

kr777 said:


> Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I have been married to my wife for 12 years, and we have a 4 year old daughter together. My wife and i dated for several years before getting married. Even before we got married, she wasnt affectionate towards me. We have always had sex fairly regularly, and still do, but other than that, she provides no physical affection. She will hug me back if i hug her, but thats about it. She wont ever cuddle, and says she just doesnt like to by physically affectionate. This has always bothered me off and on during our marriage. In the past few years it has bothered me more and more. I have brought it up numerous times, but she just gets upset and doesnt want to talk about it. She refuses to go to any kind of counseling with me. I havent gone yet on my own, but told her that i plan to. I have even brought up divorce to her, but she still wont go. I havent directly said that i will divorce her if she wont go. I never thought i could feel so lonely while being married. We dont spend much time together, even though we could because we can live off our investments and neither of us have a job. So in an ideal marriage, we could spend alot of time together but it seems we have sort of grown apart. I do still work on the investments, and have hobbies to keep me busy. There are times when i will go a few days without thinking about it too much, but it always comes back, especially at night when we are in bed, and I'm wishing i had someone to cuddle with. Im not a very social person, so i dont have friends that i would feel comfortable talking to about this, so i kept it to myself for about 10 years. I am 42 years old and realize how short life is. I know that divorce would be difficult to go through and i worry about our daughter if we got divorced. Any feedback or advice would be appreciated... Thanks


This was one of the biggest factors in my choosing to divorce my ex. The general lack of affection and tenderness finally got the best of me and I left. It got to the point that I felt so disconnected from here that I unintentionally ignored her when she'd talk to me. I didn't do it on purpose, I'd just subconsciously tune her out. I left her. I am so happy that I did. When I signed the divorce papers I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders and I didn't realize just how stressful my marriage was. 

I'm two years younger than you are and like you said, life is incredibly short and it only gets shorter as the years go by. In my own case, I now have a wonderful girlfriend who is affectionate and loving and more importantly makes it clear she wants to be around me and spend time with me. It's nice to have someone who doesn't sit on the other side of the couch when we're watching TV or a movie, someone who comes up to me and gives me a hug for no apparent reason other than she wants to, someone I don't need to *beg* for her to be affectionate with me. That **** was just soul crushing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Buy a dog.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Get the book "The Five Love Languages " by chapman.
I will bet YOUR highest love language will be touch. HERS is probably NOT touch, but other things.
You both need to learn each others love languages so that each can show the other in the way the other needs it.
If your wife isn't willing to read this and work on it, then you won't have much hope of this resolving.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree that you guys need to read 5 love languages. I’m sure she is showing you love in her own way; maybe if you understand it better you will feel better. 
Divorce is not the answer. 
I agree with getting a dog. 

I too am very affectionate. But I don’t sit back and wait for the other person to show me affection, then get mad at them when they don’t. Don’t plant these negative seeds in your head about your wife. 

When you need affection, go get affection. 

There have been times when I feel emotional or extra needy (usually my period), and I would tell my exH... babe! I’m feeling sad I need some lovin! And I would usually walk over to where he is, usually at the computer and the couch, and he already knew what to do, he would move to make space and let me sit on his lap, and I would wrap my arms around him and he was do the same and rub my back, and he would continue to work on the computer or watch tv, and after a few minutes or so I would be like ok I’m done thanks. 

My point is, your wife isn’t going to wake up and be this big affectionate person. That doesn’t make her a bad person. She also can’t read your mind. When you need affection, tell her and have a little Routine or whatever makes you feel better. The worse thing you can do, is nothing and get mad at her when she doesn’t read your mind. Talk to her, tell her you want to try something different for when your feeling like you need affection. 
My exH was always busy and independent. So when he would read on the couch, I would grab a book and lay on the couch with him and read. He didn’t care, and I loved being next to him and having our bodies touching. 
Just advocate for yourself. Try different things and see what you like.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is another thread that screams; buy a new boat or motorcycle, spend more time fishing or enjoying time out and about.

If all else is good and sex is on an as either requests it basis, frequent, then time to expand your horizons. 

She's not really going to change.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I agree that you guys need to read 5 love languages. I’m sure she is showing you love in her own way; maybe if you understand it better you will feel better.
> Divorce is not the answer.
> I agree with getting a dog.
> 
> ...


I agree with the dog, get a dog......along with a boat 👍👍🙂🙂🙂


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is another thread that screams; buy a new boat or motorcycle, spend more time fishing or enjoying time out and about.
> 
> If all else is good and sex is on an as either requests it basis, frequent, then time to expand your horizons.
> 
> She's not really going to change.


Why should he have to expand his horizons? Just because they have sex frequently doesn't mean he's emotionally fulfilled by his wife. His emotional fulfillment is, in part, her responsibility. That's what happens when you get married - you strive to make each other happy. Complacency is a relationship killer.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NurseMurseEM said:


> Why should he have to expand his horizons? Just because they have sex frequently doesn't mean he's emotionally fulfilled by his wife. His emotional fulfillment is, in part, her responsibility. That's what happens when you get married - you strive to make each other happy. Complacency is a relationship killer.


Why would he put the pressure of his happiness totally and solely on her, hmmmm?

Why would he want to solely depend on her for him being happy?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s not our job to fulfill what our partner needs. Both parties need to compromise. She can put in more effort for sure, but he needs to realize that this is who she is and she will never be affectionate enough for someone like him. 

But he needs to be the one to get the ball rolling and have the serious conversation with her about it. 

Let’s talk about love languages. What makes you feel loved? What are some things I can do for you that make you feel loved? Here are some things you can do for me that make me feel loved. I notice that you like to x,y,z for me, and I do appreciate those things but they actually don’t speak my love language, so if it’s a big sacrifice for you to do that, I wouldn’t do them anymore because it’s wasted time and effort. But I really do love it when you x,y,z. I understand that you get wrapped up in your life and your really focused on what your doing, and you can’t read my mind, so I’ll work on communicating when I need more attention and affection. 

Blah blah blah, it’s not that hard people. What are things that she likes you to do? Do them. Tell her what you like her to do. Praise them when they do what you like. Focus on the positive. Be kind and loving and encouraging in talk. “I really really loved it the other day when we just layed on the couch together and took a nap. “


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NurseMurseEM said:


> Why should he have to expand his horizons? Just because they have sex frequently doesn't mean he's emotionally fulfilled by his wife. His emotional fulfillment is, in part, her responsibility. That's what happens when you get married - you strive to make each other happy. Complacency is a relationship killer.


Then he should not have married her.

HE KNEW she wasn't affectionate during the years they dated before marriage and he married her anyway.

He took her for a test drive and decided yes, this is what I want.

Then 7 years into the marriage with this unaffectionate woman, decided to have a child with her.

Pretty fickle.


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Then he should not have married her.
> 
> HE KNEW she wasn't affectionate during the years they dated before marriage and he married her anyway.
> 
> ...


I’m in complete agreement with you. He knew how she was, he should have never proposed.

Mine was a bait-and-switch. She played the loving, affectionate, devoted GF. Within six months of our wedding day that woman disappeared.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Looking at this a different way (and understanding she wasn't terribly affectionate to begin with):

What do (did) you do for a living? 42 years old is young to be independently wealthy. Did you have to work a ton of hours to get to that point? 

My point is you might not have done yourself any favors in this regard if you were always at work. IME, people who work those kinds of hours leave their spouses to do everything else and that can be lonely. I can think of a couple of people right off that know firsthand being married to a high-achiever (career-wise) is not what it's cracked up to be.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> I just don't understand how people expect others to magically change after the ring is on their finger. You knew this about her before you were married and yet you married her anyway. Now you're unhappy? Sorry dude, but this one is on you.


My thoughts entirely. People get married and then expect the other person to magically change and become a different person. Its hardly fair on them.


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Ahhh the 40s.
> 
> Different love languages? I hear your loneliness and I am so sorry, that image you present of lying in bed and aching for her cuddle is very sad.
> 
> ...


The rest is good. Good mother, good cook, etc, but I feel like cooking, cleaning, etc can be somewhat hired out if needed. Can get affection without cheating..


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

NurseMurseEM said:


> This was one of the biggest factors in my choosing to divorce my ex. The general lack of affection and tenderness finally got the best of me and I left. It got to the point that I felt so disconnected from here that I unintentionally ignored her when she'd talk to me. I didn't do it on purpose, I'd just subconsciously tune her out. I left her. I am so happy that I did. When I signed the divorce papers I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders and I didn't realize just how stressful my marriage was.
> 
> I'm two years younger than you are and like you said, life is incredibly short and it only gets shorter as the years go by. In my own case, I now have a wonderful girlfriend who is affectionate and loving and more importantly makes it clear she wants to be around me and spend time with me. It's nice to have someone who doesn't sit on the other side of the couch when we're watching TV or a movie, someone who comes up to me and gives me a hug for no apparent reason other than she wants to, someone I don't need to *beg* for her to be affectionate with me. That **** was just soul crushing.


That sounds alot like my situation. Thanks for the feedback! I have sometimes had problems listening to her as well, even though unintentionally.


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> I just don't understand how people expect others to magically change after the ring is on their finger. You knew this about her before you were married and yet you married her anyway. Now you're unhappy? Sorry dude, but this one is on you.


It wasnt such a big deal to me when we first got married. So now i should just live my entire life without ever being in a affectionate relationship? Might as well just be single then.


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Get the book "The Five Love Languages " by chapman.
> I will bet YOUR highest love language will be touch. HERS is probably NOT touch, but other things.
> You both need to learn each others love languages so that each can show the other in the way the other needs it.
> If your wife isn't willing to read this and work on it, then you won't have much hope of this resolving.


I have it on audiobook and listening to it now. Will see if that helps. Thanks


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is another thread that screams; buy a new boat or motorcycle, spend more time fishing or enjoying time out and about.
> 
> If all else is good and sex is on an as either requests it basis, frequent, then time to expand your horizons.
> 
> She's not really going to change.


Done all that. In the past couple years i bought a new tesla, new skidloader, built a swimming pool, built a huge building with pickleball courts (for the wife), and climbing wall, got into rock climbing, got into woodworking, and just bought a new snowmobile. All those things are nice, but only short term happiness.


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

DTO said:


> Looking at this a different way (and understanding she wasn't terribly affectionate to begin with):
> 
> What do (did) you do for a living? 42 years old is young to be independently wealthy. Did you have to work a ton of hours to get to that point?
> 
> My point is you might not have done yourself any favors in this regard if you were always at work. IME, people who work those kinds of hours leave their spouses to do everything else and that can be lonely. I can think of a couple of people right off that know firsthand being married to a high-achiever (career-wise) is not what it's cracked up to be.


I was in construction for awhile, and bought my first rental property at 21, and kept buying rentals. My last official job paycheck was at 24 years old. I probably averaged about 55 hours per week of work from age 21-35. Been gradually reducing my hours since then, now probably less than 20 per week. But i dont feel like i was a workaholic by any means, and had plenty of time to spend with her. And for a long time we did spend alot of time together, and she helped with the real estate. But in more recent years, we have grown apart and often feel more like roommates.


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Then he should not have married her.
> 
> HE KNEW she wasn't affectionate during the years they dated before marriage and he married her anyway.
> 
> ...


Its not that simple, or that black and white...


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## kr777 (Feb 12, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> I feel your pain.
> There was a point in my life where I was looking into cuddle buddies as my need for reassuring touch was so great. But it was my husbands arms I wanted.
> 
> All I can offer as hope, is that you slowly build up some regular patterns of touch, so that your wife becomes more accustomed to it, and starts to feel it's absence when you don't. Hopefully she will start to make the first move sometimes, as she becomes more comfortable and confident with it.
> ...


I agree somewhat, but at the same time, how can i manage my needs, if she isnt willing? Its not something i can do without her. Regardless of who's "fault" it is, it still takes two.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Some, male or female, desire physical touch and others do not seem to need it. My ex was like your wife. I tried for years to be the affectionate one but I finally gave up. I was hoping to get something back in return but it never happened. It made me feel unwanted and unloved. Towards the end of our marriage when I think he realized he needed to do something and he actually told me that he was having bad dreams of me leaving, he then tried to hold my hand and open doors for me but this was after over 20 years of marriage and alot of hurt that I wasn't able to let go of. Knowing beforehand what each other's love language is has great value. He gave gifts and I would have much rather had his time. He did the same with his kids and I saw it and asked him about this when we were dating, he had 2 children from a previous marriage. I asked him why he bought the boys something if ran to the grocery to pick up something and he told me he felt guilty for always being gone and hopped that the gifts would help. In time his gifts to me felt like a dog being tossed a bone, it was something to keep me busy and leave him alone. He was very content to sit all day by himself without ever engaging.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So get divorced, then.

That's the only thing that's going to solve your problem, right?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

kr777 said:


> It wasnt such a big deal to me when we first got married. So now i should just live my entire life without ever being in a affectionate relationship? Might as well just be single then.


Is it affection that is lacking, or could it be something more along the lines of her not feeling pleasure in what she can uniquely bring to the table for you? Meaning, if she knows what you need, what you really treasure from her, why the hell doesn't it make her feel good and special that she can do something so simple as a hug or cuddle and it puts you on cloud 9 or whatever? Why do some people go to so much trouble _not_ doing things their spouse would appreciate when it would be easier doing them?

Does it feel at all like that?

Let's flip this around. What is there you can do for your wife that she really appreciates? Something that you wouldn't normally do, something that wouldn't normally have any positive attributes to you, but, because it's for her, it makes you feel really, really good? Because you shouldn't be reading my first paragraph and thinking YES, I CAN RELATE!!! and then seeing this one and thinking, um... 

I am beginning to understand the extent to which depression can just totally ruin love. It could be your wife is depressed. It could be you are. In a depressed state one can become so numb to the emotions of others that normal feedback (I love this woman because she knows exactly what my special buttons are and enjoys pushing them!) doesn't exist. They don't understand consequences. They think things are the way they are as if their life is guided by fate.

Seek counseling. Bring her to the table not under threat of divorce but as a way of saving your relationship. Explain that extrapolating things out doesn't put either of you where you would want to be.

What, me, projecting again???!!!


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why would he put the pressure of his happiness totally and solely on her, hmmmm?
> 
> Why would he want to solely depend on her for him being happy?


Ok his happiness isn’t totally as solely on her, I’ll grant you that.

BUT when you’re with a partner you’re responsible to take care of their needs. If they’re unhappy in the relationship because their needs aren’t being met, that’s on the other party. Two things will happen: they’ll leave or they’ll cheat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

kr777 said:


> The rest is good. Good mother, good cook, etc, but I feel like cooking, cleaning, etc can be somewhat hired out if needed. Can get affection without cheating..


Just a thought, do you have someone in mind?Just that you have been with her for years, married her knowing exactly what she was like and yet only now you are toying with maybe leaving. Be honest, do you have your eye on someone?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She's just not an affectionate person and you knew that when you married her so it's really not fair to start fussing about that now. going to a psychologist isn't going to make her an affectionate person. I'm surprised you're getting regular sex since she has a 4-year-old and isn't naturally affectionate. She must at least enjoy sex a lot.

Well it sounds like you could certainly afford to divorce if you want to. I noticed you didn't have any response to people who suggested you get a dog. If you want a fiction a dog is the way to go. Just make sure there is the affectionate type of dog before you take it home because they aren't all super super affectionate and especially you need to be able to spend a lot of time with it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

kr777 said:


> Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I have been married to my wife for 12 years, and we have a 4 year old daughter together. My wife and i dated for several years before getting married. *Even before we got married, she wasnt affectionate towards me*. We have always had sex fairly regularly, and still do, but other than that, she provides no physical affection. She will hug me back if i hug her, but thats about it. She wont ever cuddle, and says she just doesnt like to by physically affectionate. This has always bothered me off and on during our marriage. In the past few years it has bothered me more and more.
> 
> ..... I never thought i could feel so lonely while being married. We dont spend much time together, even though we could because we can live off our investments and neither of us have a job.
> 
> ......Im not a very social person, so i dont have friends that i would feel comfortable talking to about this, so i kept it to myself for about 10 years. I am 42 years old and realize how short life is. I know that divorce would be difficult to go through and i worry about our daughter if we got divorced. Any feedback or advice would be appreciated... Thanks


A few thoughts.

According to your post, you knew what you were getting into prior to marrying her. So you need to ask yourself what what your expectation about what marriage would look like and what was her expectation. You have probably changed your expectations and she has not.

Why would anyone want to voluntarily go see a counselor for the purpose of being "fixed?" Your attitude is probably that she is wrong and needs to have someone to force her to change. It doesn't work that way. Only your wife can change herself and then only if she wants to change.

Have you and your wife ever read the book by Dr. Sue Johnson a famous marriage/relationship counselor, called Hold Me Tight? It explains in detailed (and footnoted) ways all kinds of studies that show how important physical touch is to humans, primates, and other mammals. If you can ask her to read it, assuming it explains how you feel, she might just better understand.

Speaking of understanding, YOU might want to read Chapman's the 5 Languages of love. I would wager that touch is one of your two primary Love Languages and that it is not one of your wife's two primary love languages. If you study the Chapman book (it is hard to find in some book stores as it is often located in the religious book section, even though there is very little religious preaching in the book) you will understand how to people can live together and communicate their love to each other every day and yet not understand that their spouse is saying how much they love each other.

For example, my primary love language is touch and my secondary love language is words of affection. My wife's two primary love languages are quality time and acts of service. When I wanted to tell my wife how much I loved her, I would touch her or hug her. To her this wasn't actions that were expressing love. If I have dropped everything and deeply listened to her or done special things she took as acts of service she would have felt loved. She told me that when I touched her she felt I was pawing her to have sex with her. She also told me that when I told her how wonderful she was and how proud I was of her, she felt I was just "buttering her up" to get in her pants. We were talking to each other but not really communicating our love that we wanted to express.

After studying Chapman's book, I was able to start to speak my affection for her, in her love languages. This really changed the dynamic in our relationship. She felt loved for the first time in a long time. It didn't make want to touch me, nor praise me. Over years of explaining, reading and discussing the book, she at least understands how important touch is to me, but often doesn't express her love for me in my love languages.

Oh, another thing, you are probably too clingy. Men who are clingy or needy with regards to sex, praise, touch, whatever are not real sexy to women. You might want to back off for a while and give her some space.

Good luck. If you do look for a counselor, I would suggest one that has been trained in the Sue Johnson approach to marriage counseling.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You cannot '_make_' someone:

Love you.
Be hot for you.
Want to do things with you.
Want to do things for you.
Be sexual.
Be honest.
Be faithful.
Be anything they do not want to do.

You can '_suggest_' and' they might comply, but only because you asked, and convinced them of the need, not the want-of doing so.

We can only _make _ourselves do those things we ourselves wish for.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

kr777 said:


> Done all that. In the past couple years i bought a new tesla, new skidloader, built a swimming pool, built a huge building with pickleball courts (for the wife), and climbing wall, got into rock climbing, got into woodworking, and just bought a new snowmobile. All those things are nice, but only short term happiness.


Ok this is good to know - do you think this has maybe created some distance from her end? From a woman’s perspective, that sounds like a LOT of hobbies that take you time together away.

I completely understand you’ve got a very fulfilling life and so should everyone, but I know many women suffer and complain that their husband’s toys/hobbies/projects take away the husband’s focus somewhat from the marriage. Has she ever expressed that the hobbies were a problem and she wanted to spend time with you? Maybe she felt second to these projects and just slipped away quietly eventually?

I’m not criticising or blaming so I hope it doesn’t come across that you’re at fault. But it did stand out that you were a busy husband and I do understand that maybe you needed to pull away and go in this direction for your own reasons.

Ask her, talk to her, I think she may just be yearning for you too? Maybe she is a quality-time person, maybe not.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It the thought of divorcing your wife doesn’t break your heart it sounds like there is a huge connection lacking.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Wow, she cooks, cleans, helps with the biz, likes sex, and is a good mother. Is she pretty and feminine too? Sounds like a real catch. She'll also be pretty wealthy after she gets half your stuff. Maybe she shows affection through sex... that’d fit well with about 95% of men.


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> You cannot '_make_' someone:
> 
> Love you.
> Be hot for you.
> ...


OP, this is a great post - read it over and over again. I know you love your wife but the things she doesn’t do for you, are they deal breakers? They were for me. Even though I still loved her, I couldn’t picture living the rest of my life with someone who I literally had to beg to touch me. We did the whole love languages thing - I paid attention to hers, she didn’t pay attention to mine. The love languages thing only works of both partners pay attention. With my current gf, we did this one weekend. Her love language is gifts - doesn’t need to be big or expensive but for her it’s important that I think of her if I go somewhere. For me it’s touch and she has no problem in this department, even two years on.


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Wow, she cooks, cleans, helps with the biz,


I was married to a maid too, thing was a grown ass man can do this stuff for himself.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

NurseMurseEM said:


> I was married to a maid too, thing was a grown ass man can do this stuff for himself.


Did your “maid” like sex and was she a good mother?

I’m grown ass too (lol) but let’s face it women are much better at making a place homey!

oh well, I get the feeling he’s looking for excuses.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

NurseMurseEM said:


> I was married to a maid too, thing was a grown ass man can do this stuff for himself.


Speaks volumes, very sad.

Thing is, if you did it yourself, you wouldn’t have reduced her to just a maid. Your own words.

Plenty of men (and women) out there lacking help with the house work and a lovingly prepared meal when they get home from work.

Some ‘maids’ don’t just clean and cook because it needs doing... they care enough about their partners to do these things.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Btw OP, given the amount of hobbies and outside interests, and given you’re getting regular sex... how are you making her feel loved? Is it maybe her turning her back in bed holding back tears and not cuddles?

I would love to hear more about how she feels and how you attend to your needs given that all the other boxes are seemingly ticked and she’s doing so well everywhere else.


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Btw OP, given the amount of hobbies and outside interests, and given you’re getting regular sex... how are you making her feel loved? Is it maybe her turning her back in bed holding back tears and not cuddles?
> 
> I would love to hear more about how she feels and how you attend to your needs given that all the other boxes are seemingly ticked and she’s doing so well everywhere else.


It’s obvious the wife is the problem. Why do some women always feel the need to flip it back on the guy? Some women (such as my ex) are just horrible wives, no matter what the husband does. Is there some reason you can’t understand this?


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Did your “maid” like sex and was she a good mother?
> 
> I’m grown ass too (lol) but let’s face it women are much better at making a place homey!
> 
> oh well, I get the feeling he’s looking for excuses.


No where did the OP say his wife likes sex. Seems like it’s just duty sex to keep him around. No my ex not only didn’t like sex, she was a virgin when we married - HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake - and was never really able to understand it. No matter what we tried - toys, oral, different positions. 


Thankfully we never had kids. A lot of men, especially men above a certain age, need a woman to mother then. For some reason, these older guys aren’t capable of taking care of themselves, even when they think they are. YIKES.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

NurseMurseEM said:


> It’s obvious the wife is the problem. Why do some women always feel the need to flip it back on the guy? Some women (such as my ex) are just horrible wives, no matter what the husband does. Is there some reason you can’t understand this?


No it’s not obvious at all, and there are always two sides, I’m just hoping to hear both side and ask questions, and you’ll see in another post I did make sure I said I wasn’t blaming him. I don’t think either of them are horrible at all. Sorry you felt your wife was horrible.

It looks like a very salvageable situation to me, we’re here to help two people find their way who don’t sound like they’re being horrible to eachother.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

OP, this isn't something that has happened during your marriage, it is who she is and, at least according to your post, you seemed to be aware of that fact while you were dating.

I've been where you are. My wife is pretty emotionally closed and doesn't initiate affection. She has always been like this. I blame the fact that her dad had an affair and left the family when she was at a highly formative age. The reality is that there is nothing I can do about it. She shows she loves me in other ways. It has taken some time for me to realise and appreciate that.

You have a simple choice, either accept it and look for how she expresses love or leave her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AGoodFlogging said:


> OP, this isn't something that has happened during your marriage, it is who she is and, at least according to your post, you seemed to be aware of that fact while you were dating.
> 
> I've been where you are. My wife is pretty emotionally closed and doesn't initiate affection. She has always been like this. I blame the fact that her dad had an affair and left the family when she was at a highly formative age. The reality is that there is nothing I can do about it. She shows she loves me in other ways. It has taken some time for me to realise and appreciate that.
> 
> You have a simple choice, either accept it and look for how she expresses love or leave her.


Yes, this.

You knew her personality, and married her anyway. You were married to her for years and years and years, again, knowing her same personality, and chose to have a child with her. You now have a 4 year old.

And NOW you are realizing she's not affectionate enough for you?

What the ****.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Yes, this.
> 
> You knew her personality, and married her anyway. You were married to her for years and years and years, again, knowing her same personality, and chose to have a child with her. You now have a 4 year old.
> 
> ...


To be fair, I had the same crisis in my marriage. It was prompted by a situation where I was in need of physical and emotional support to a far greater extent than I had been before and it just wasn't there. She retreated further into herself and spent her time worrying rather than reaching out to me. If OP has gone through similar I can completely understand why this has not been an issue until more recently. It has taken some time to come to terms with this and also, sadly, it has created a little distance in my marriage because I know that if I am in a bad place, my wife may well not be able to give me the support I need. This is life with an emotionally avoidant spouse. The point I was making is that this is who she is and expecting a damascene conversion to an affectionate wife is unrealistic.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What about _no affection_ and _no sex_? You are lucky. You can't have everything.


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Yes, this.
> 
> You knew her personality, and married her anyway. You were married to her for years and years and years, again, knowing her same personality, and chose to have a child with her. You now have a 4 year old.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with you - he should have realized this was important to him prior to marrying his wife. She’s always been like this (in my situations my ex pretended to be affectionate until we got married then she went back to who she truly is).


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## NurseMurseEM (Feb 12, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> What about _no affection_ and _no sex_? You are lucky. You can't have everything.


😂 

You’re joking, right? He can’t have everything with his current wife, sure. But if he leaves her he certainly can find someone who will give him both, like a normal partner should. My ex was like his wife. My current gf gives me everything I need (and I do the same for her).


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

NurseMurseEM said:


> 😂
> 
> You’re joking, right? He can’t have everything with his current wife, sure. But if he leaves her he certainly can find someone who will give him both, like a normal partner should. My ex was like his wife. My current gf gives me everything I need (and I do the same for her).


Ok we get it, your wife was horrible, you can’t stop talking about how she was horrible, your new girlfriend is all that and more and we get it we get it. My ex my ex my ex. And you want op to leave his wife who was just like your ex.

Get over your ex.

These two people just don’t sound like they’re all that awful to eachother and I hope they work things out.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> These two people just don’t sound like they’re all that awful to eachother and I hope they work things out.


Exactly... sometimes we want things to be perfect in life, and that's not reality for most people. It doesn't sound like an awful partner to me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kr777 said:


> The rest is good. Good mother, good cook, etc, but I feel like cooking, cleaning, etc can be somewhat hired out if needed. Can get affection without cheating..


You don’t work and are looking for your wife to fill the holes in you. Do something meaningful such as work for a charity, help the homeless, etc. There are so many needs out there in the world. Once you start looking outwards instead on inwards at what you think you don’t have your perspective will change. As some posters here have said, why wait for your wife. Go hug her, go cuddle her. She sounds like a good woman, and you are looking to throw the baby out with the bath water.
I am wondering how you have managed to retire so young. Were you a workaholic in younger days? That does no favours to a marriage as your wife could have felt neglected and learned to simply not need affection from you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kr777 said:


> Hello, this is my first time posting on here. I have been married to my wife for 12 years, and we have a 4 year old daughter together. My wife and i dated for several years before getting married. Even before we got married, she wasnt affectionate towards me. We have always had sex fairly regularly, and still do, but other than that, she provides no physical affection. She will hug me back if i hug her, but thats about it. She wont ever cuddle, and says she just doesnt like to by physically affectionate. This has always bothered me off and on during our marriage. In the past few years it has bothered me more and more. I have brought it up numerous times, but she just gets upset and doesnt want to talk about it. She refuses to go to any kind of counseling with me. I havent gone yet on my own, but told her that i plan to. I have even brought up divorce to her, but she still wont go. I havent directly said that i will divorce her if she wont go. I never thought i could feel so lonely while being married. We dont spend much time together, even though we could because we can live off our investments and neither of us have a job. So in an ideal marriage, we could spend alot of time together but it seems we have sort of grown apart. I do still work on the investments, and have hobbies to keep me busy. There are times when i will go a few days without thinking about it too much, but it always comes back, especially at night when we are in bed, and I'm wishing i had someone to cuddle with. Im not a very social person, so i dont have friends that i would feel comfortable talking to about this, so i kept it to myself for about 10 years. I am 42 years old and realize how short life is. I know that divorce would be difficult to go through and i worry about our daughter if we got divorced. Any feedback or advice would be appreciated... Thanks


@kr777 Is it possible that your wife is on the Autistic Spectrum? Perhaps a High Functioning Asperger's?

Your description of your wife reminds me of my wife who is a High Functioning Asperger's.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NurseMurseEM said:


> I was married to a maid too, thing was a grown ass man can do this stuff for himself.


That’s pretty insulting. I hope your new shiny girlfriend won’t become ‘maid’ material when you marry her and she has to take care of the home and kids. ‘Dating’ someone and actually living a real life with someone with all its domestic responsibilities are two different things.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NurseMurseEM said:


> It’s obvious the wife is the problem. Why do some women always feel the need to flip it back on the guy? Some women (such as my ex) are just horrible wives, no matter what the husband does. Is there some reason you can’t understand this?


Seriously, did you also work long hours and neglect you wife? Why are you so aggressive and defensive on here. Did you cheat on your wife?


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