# Major Meltdown



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I went to a family outing today with my husband's family (no one knows about us yet) it was awful. Not his family they like me but the fact I had to pretend that everything was all right between us. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

My H lied to me about where he is, he is still with her.I feel so totally rejected and unloved at the moment. I just want to reach out to him. I want him to come home, why I don't know.

Please help me take away the pain, right now it is unbearable.

I'm still going thru with the divorce/seperation but that doesn't help me right now.

I thought I was stronger than this.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Tell his flipping family please!t
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wait a minute! You went to an event his family was having and he didn't even show up?! Out him now! Full disclosure is called for here.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

it was a shower so hard to bring things up - not really the place to make an announcement of that sort

it just felt really awkward for me as I knew I was lying to them. I would have had a major meltdown and that wasn't the place to do it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Clinging, please see a doctor Tuesday for some help for YOU. Go stay with a friend or family till you do. PLEASE
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I do have an appt to see a doctor this week. I will be o.k., I just had a major meltdown after I came home - seeing his family, knowing that we won't be together as husband & wife anymore for family functions. It was just more than I could take at the moment.

I'm a bit better now so thanks


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Update

So I was upset so I texted my daughters about how uncomfortable it was today for me and that their dad has put a stake in my heart and doesn't care. Well my middle daughter texted her dad told him he was an idiot and soon he would realize all the important people in his life will be gone.

He then texted me back and said if I quit calling him a lier he would talk to me. Once again I asked for the OW name & # so we could call her and he refused to give it up he said she doesn't know me and I don't know her and there was no need.

So I then asked him to sign the papers tommorrow and pick up the rest of his stuff if he was in town like he claims. He said that isn't what he wants and I told him it was what I wanted and haven't heard back from him.

It will be hard for him to sign papers when I know dam well he isn't in our town but 10 hrs away.

I actually feel better, I think my daughters text to him was unnerving to him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Clinging said:


> I had to pretend that everything was all right between us. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.


Why are you covering for him? Why are you lying to his family? Just tell them the truth: he left you and the kids and is having an affair. Lying to his family is only enabling the affair.



Clinging said:


> Once again I asked for the OW name & # so we could call her and he refused to give it up he said she doesn't know me and I don't know her and there was no need.


Why are you asking for her #? It doesn't change anything. He's gone. Stop asking him for her #. Stop giving this man all your power. Stop talking to him about anything that doesn't involve legalities or co-parenting. Stop badmouthing him to your children. You need to be their rock right now.

Re: the paperwork--I would have him served, STAT. Right now he has you right where he wants you -- sweating him and asking about OW and ignoring your requests to sign the paperwork. Ruffle his feathers. Don't make this comfortable for him.

NO CONTACT unless it's about the above (kids & legal stuff) and have him served.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He isn't going to cooperate and you know that. So you are just trying it the nice way first, right?

How does he think he.is not a liar? What a jerk.

Hiya are doing great. Stay strong. Divorce his sorry ass. Let him feel the sting of.being put in his place.for his horrible treatment of you and your family for the first time in his life.

Does he have an Android phone? If.so, he.may have signed up to where he can be tracked on a map.

Also, if you have the.phone records as you should because of the business, they often show the.phone tower location of the person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I do not bad mouth him to my children. they are adults and bad mouth him themselves. He is still their father and his parents son, I don't want him to totally self destruct. I'm not an evil person.

As for the family gathering, it was woman only and I wasn't going to bring it up and spoil the day for everyone so I was just hoping no one would ask what he has been up too. He has a large extended family and most of them were there yesterday. I'm still way too emotional to make a bold statement about this to anyone. I'm still too raw.

I asked one more time for the paperwork, if I don't see it before Fri (Jun 3) I will be having him served.

He was my friend for 33 years, it is a little hard for me to just let go. I'm trying but it is hard.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Let go of the marriage. And remember, a person worthy of true friendship does not repeatedly hurt their friend in the same way. They learn and regret. He is no friend to you. And friendship has to go both ways. 

Your holding on enough to some defend him is disturbing. 

Dont you care about yourself at all? 

And as for being raw, that is the best time to reach out to family and friends. They can provide support and comfort. Why are you sacrificing your well being for him? He is not a good man. He deserves the fallout from this and you deserve.support. 

I suspect part of your fear of exposure is to protect yourself from ridicule for putting up with him for years. To me, it shows a woman's love as much as a woman with low self esteem. People will understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Clip Clop

I think you are right on many levels. this would have been a lot easier if I was 30 years old again and starting over but I'm 52 so a little later in life. that doesn't excuse any of his short comings I know that. I feel sorry for him, I really do. He really isn't a bad person, yes he does have some major self esteem issues but we have managed to keep our marriage together for 33 years, I would have liked to see if there was still a chance but I know this time there isn't so yes I am very sad and disheartened.

I know everything everyone is saying about him is true and I do know that in my head. I am a rather intelligent person.

I just can't seem to get past the fact that he was my husband and I loved him for 33 years and the sad fact is I still do and that is what makes this all so hard for me. If I didn't love him, yes everything you all say would be so much easier.

I've given myself till Friday to see about the signing of the papers and then I'll have to kick this up a notch. I will eventually get there. I know he isn't coming back and I know we no longer have a marriage so I have no hope there.

Maybe I just need closure from him and my questions answered as to why? Maybe!!!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Don't count on closure from a serial cheater. It rarely happens to your satisfaction. Nothing they can say will make being cast aside again more understandable. Accept that he is a deeply flawed individual. The ow will find that out in time. And the fact that he left a good woman after 33 years (as well as before that for another woman) will haunt her. Who knows how msny ONSs he's had, either.

You are doing the right thing. In it you will gsin strength and a sense of control over your life. You aren't old by any means. Stay busy. Do things you never did before. Surprise yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

That "love" you feel is like an organism, if you don't feed it it will die. You may be in a phase of denial where you think that somehow something will happen to change things, like the OW's #. It won't and your marriage is going to continue to it's obvious conclusion. When you can accpet this in more than just an intellectual way the pain will lessen and you will be able to move on. You will see the glass and half full, not half empty.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The glass just appeared full with him in it, the way the level rises when there is oh, let's say, a dead weight in it. And once he gets his fat ass out of the glass there will be a lot more room to fill it with healthy, wholesome things, like margaritas and pina coladas!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> The glass just appeared full with him in it, the way the level rises when there is oh, let's say, a dead weight in it. And once he gets his fat ass out of the glass there will be a lot more room to fill it with healthy, wholesome things, like margaritas and pina coladas!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Clip, you do have a way with words and I couldn't agree more.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:iagree: with Griz's 1st post
re: "...dont feed it & it'll die..."

i feel yer pain clinging. i think others do too if they can remember or use their imaginative intuitions.

"This too will pass" (proverbs/bible). u will overcome.

how soon is up to u. u can nuture/cuddle/protect what 
"WAS" with yer bud of 33yrs OR, u can start planning what
the next 33 will be like for u with...say....Jesus in your life.

Jesus wont let u down like mankind (M/F) does. hopefully u
know this already. Like OUR *ABBA*, He is *AWESOME* (the "only" real *Awesome* that exists!)

the sooner u start feeding your relationship with God the
sooner/easier it is to starve/replace/eventually blot out
the mortal one u had with numbnuts (if u dont mind me saying so).

its all about the rel'shps. its all about shalom. HIS shalom.

Peace be unto you......but do u receive it....thats Key.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Wow, ladies, you sure are beating on her. It is totally up to her how she wants to deal with him. I know all of you are trying to save her more pain in the future. It is however totally up to her to set her boundaries and expect his complete compliance if she decides she wants to try. I would lay out some serious rules about no contact, allowing you access to all his phone records and email accounts - no secret ones. If he had an iphone you can use find my iphone to track his where abouts. An unknown to him voice activated recorder in his car would be good idea too. Since he is a serial cheater, I would tell him you want software installed on his phone so can see his texts and everything else he does that you install. Make it REAL tough and if he balks, tell him not let the door hit him in the ass when he leaves. If he truly wants to reconcile, he should be willing to do WHATEVER you need to insure yourself he's done and isn't falling back. Be prepared for it to fall apart and hope for the best. It is totally your choice, but if you really want to try and he does, then make it completely on your terms.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I feel for you-I really do. It is as if you know the reality, and you realize how he is treating you-but then you want to hold on to all those years you have been married, and it worked and you don't want to let that go and there is that little hope that maybe; just maybe he will come to his senses and see what he is giving up. I emailed my husband's parents when I found out about his affair and let them know how I felt since they live in another state druing the winter. I was in no way accusatory, just stated the facts and how hurt and betrayed I felt by this third person in my marriage that I had no idea was in it. It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders and my husband later told me he wasn't planning on sharing that information anytime soon with his family. (Was this going to be a big secret forever?) Do you think an email if you don't want to do this in person would be easier? I feel it is OK for you to now take this step. He has made the decision to be with this other person and there is no need to protect him from the news getting out. It happened. Do not take it as a reflection on you. (That is difficult for me too!) 

My hope for you is that you take a step back and see that the only person you need to be looking out for right now and today is you. Take care of yourself, look out for you-focus on yourself. He is going to do his own thing right now and even though it feels so wrong to you-there is nothing you can do. He is probably not the husband you married and remember right now. The hardest part for me was to let my husband go; once I did this, things became a little bit easier. Lean on your family and friends and these forums to get it all out.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

We are not beating on her. And we recognize it is her choice how.she.deals and processes. She.comes here for.strength and advice and clarity. We are trying to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

8yearscheating said:


> Make it REAL tough and if he balks, tell him not let the door hit him in the ass when he leaves. If he truly wants to reconcile, he should be willing to do WHATEVER you need to insure yourself he's done and isn't falling back. Be prepared for it to fall apart and hope for the best. It is totally your choice, but if you really want to try and he does, then make it completely on your terms.


That's the problem. This stallion is already out of the barn. This thread was partly about how hard it was hiding that fact. It gets a lot easier when you tell everyone he found a new barn. I've been there, and I know it is easier. I, too, hid the separation for at least six months. It was much tougher than had I just told everyone about the separation.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

His parents actually know. It was his mother that called me and told me he was in the town where the OW lives. She called his work looking for him and they told her where he was so she called me wanting to know why he was there. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until later that night and then it came out there was an OW. they have been more than supportive of me, they cannot beleive their son would do this to me but it is what it is.

I emailed him again this morning about signing these papers and removing his stuff from my house, he claims again it is over with her and I basically told him I don't care anymore and to fff off so he got pissy with me and haven't heard anything since.

5creed, I think you are right and understand that it is hard to let go of the marriage. Everyone else is right about the kind of man he is but the unfortunate thing is I fell in love with this man.

I appreciate all opinions and thoughts/strategies, I take it all into consideration. I'm not sure I'm ready to do the total NC thing but I'm trying to keep it strictly business related.

I actually feel calmer after I have talked to him thru text even if they end up being nasty texts. I think it is my comfort zone and maybe that is what I don't want to lose, my comfort that I can at least text him good or bad when I need too.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Does his mom know exactly who she is and where she lives? And what else do they know at work? WTF did nobody there tell you? Chicken **** jerks.

Will he talk to you on the phone? 

What's wrong with saying prove it, come home? It'd be great if you could let ow know his lame claims. She's such a schmuck for being with him. Wonder what other lies he's shared with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I guess my point about supporting what you think you want, is to give you suggestions to make sure you take the right stance and position with him regarding boundaries and expectations if thats what you decide. I know how hard it is to walk away from many years of marriage, mine was 26 years at d-day and her affairs over 20 years that I'd just discovered. Everyone counseled me to end it. I stood my ground with her and set very specific requirements for R. Initially she was completely gone. Now she is back completely. Only time will tell if I'm an idiot.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

No his mother had no idea, she was just wondering why he was out of town. No, I don't beleive his work knows either, he can tell anybody lies, he is always available by email and texts thru this phone so his work can always get a hold of him if need be.

I doubt he will talk to me by phone, he is afraid of what I have to say. I doubt that even if he is in town (which my daughter beleives he is) he won't have stopped by to sign the papers or pick up his stuff. One - I didn't leave the papers out for him to sign so he won't know where they are. He may have stopped by and picked up his stuff but I doubt that too, where would he put it, drive it around in his truck.

I have no idea where he is living if he is back in town and after today's text, i am sure he will be back in her town before night fall, no point sticking around here, no one wants him.

I am ready to take him to court if I have to to sign these things so I'll see what if anything happened once I get home.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

8 years
Are you back with your wife then? did you actually seperate for a time being? I would love to hear your story and what worked and didn't for you.

I don't think mine will work out but I like hearing about stories that do.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My wife never left. She wanted to and was searching for apartments. SHe was still in contact. You can search my name and see my threads. Essentially, I told her I couldn't live with her seeing the OM. I talked to my lawyer and told her if she moved out I was separating all finances. She would continue to pay on the mortgage and house expenses and pay child support. She argued she wouldn't living here so why should pay mortgage and home expenses. I told her it was responsibility she signed up for the mortgage was signed. If she didn't pay, I would just deduct those amounts from the proceeds of the house she would get. She would pay her own apartment and new car and insurance. My daughter (later determined to be not biologically mine but still MY DAUGHTER) would stay with me because I would not upset her routine and life for this. SHe makes decent money but it would put her in a tight situation. I told her the separation would be a legal one for 2-3 months. If she didn't go no contact, I would file and not look back. When she saw all of my daughters extracirricular activities would have to stop for lack of money and that I was serious, she turned around completely and decided to try. It's been tough for both of us. Her getting over OM, numerous health issues she has, her dad died and she broke the nC to let the OM know. I blew a gasket and cancelled a trip to see our son in Dallas and told her I would start divorce. She swore it would never happen again and I gave her a pass. So far, 3 months and no contact and things are getting better day by day. She thanks me for rescuing her. She has confessed to priest who told her penance was to go and pray to god for a 1/2 hour and thank him for giving such an extraordinary man. She helps me when I hit triggers. I pray she doesn't fall back, and right now I don't think she will. She tells me all the time she is so happy we stayed together. SO positive things can happen. In my case I stood my ground and she came back. I don't believe in the 180 as it is written and I've started a thread in infidelity as to why. To each their own, it's just opinion based on my situation and how I felt. Read that thread and read my history on my other threads. I was not afraid to admit there were things I did that helped her to be vulnerable and I worked hard at correcting them imediately. That is what brought her back because it laid bare her excuses for the affair as being I would never change.

Everyone can change, both of you need to.


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