# New here and lost in my marriage !



## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

New do this and just wanted to see how this works. Right now just venting and not sure if I should remain in my marriage or not. Lately his depression has taken over (not the first time in 9 years ) and I’m to the point of I’m just tired of going through the same merry go around with no change or positive outcome out of it. Yes I love him and he is the father to our 3 kids but is that enough to continue a lifetime of unhappines… idk anymore


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is he getting medical help?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

No one should have a lifetime of unhappiness. If your marriage isn't working for you then something has to change - whether that's with you, him, or both of you.

So, your spouse has depression. Is it being treated with medication, lifestyle changes, and/or therapy? Is this just a rough period? 

Are YOU in therapy as well? Having a spouse with mental illness is hard. You both need to be taking care of yourselves.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hereweare3702 said:


> New do this and just wanted to see how this works. Right now just venting and not sure if I should remain in my marriage or not. Lately his depression has taken over (not the first time in 9 years ) and I’m to the point of I’m just tired of going through the same merry go around with no change or positive outcome out of it. Yes I love him and he is the father to our 3 kids but is that enough to continue a lifetime of unhappines… idk anymore


Good luck in deciding what you really want. Depression is generally treatable. Depression during the aftermath of Covid-19 is fairly common for all kinds of reasons. There are lots of medical and support groups out there. You might even investigate work related health insurance as many programs have either depression counseling as a medical plan feature or as a workplace wellness employee benefit program.

Figure out what you need to be happy, what you want to happen and then implement a plan. Get some counseling to help you figure things out. Take advantage of all the work and community based resources that are available to you.

Good luck.


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> No one should have a lifetime of unhappiness. If your marriage isn't working for you then something has to change - whether that's with you, him, or both of you.
> 
> So, your spouse has depression. Is it being treated with medication, lifestyle changes, and/or therapy? Is this just a rough period?
> 
> Are YOU in therapy as well? Having a spouse with mental illness is hard. You both need to be taking care of yourselves.


He has tried medication which made him really out of it and no really present. I mentioned therapy and he agreed (about a year ago) and I mentioned it recently for us to really start going and looked up what my job offers , surprisingly a lot of good stuff, but he has refused to go now.
I thought about going to therapy because it was a lot of low self esteem but I started tackling that and trying to make more “self care time “ which has helped.
Our biggest issue is that he thinks no one loves him or cares and then he self loathes himself all the time. I keep trying to show him and lift him up everytime he is in this mindset but he doesn’t believe me or wants to and keeps at it. This has been going for years to the point I’m just like f it , figure it out .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hereweare3702 said:


> He has tried medication which made him really out of it and no really present. I mentioned therapy and he agreed (about a year ago) and I mentioned it recently for us to really start going and looked up what my job offers , surprisingly a lot of good stuff, but he has refused to go now.
> I thought about going to therapy because it was a lot of low self esteem but I started tackling that and trying to make more “self care time “ which has helped.
> Our biggest issue is that he thinks no one loves him or cares and then he self loathes himself all the time. I keep trying to show him and lift him up everytime he is in this mindset but he doesn’t believe me or wants to and keeps at it. This has been going for years to the point I’m just like f it , figure it out .


He has to want to help himself. Did he tell the doctor about the effects of
the medication? There are many more he could try.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You can't love somebody through depression. They have to address their own issues. Unfortunately the depression makes it hard for them to act. 

What can you do to reassure him? If he feels no one loves him can you say ILY every day & mean it? Can you leave him little love notes in his lunch or hide them in his sock drawer? Get the kids involved too. Make him feel special. 

In that mindset keep encouraging him to seek therapy. He needs IC. You don't need MC just yet. MC without him getting IC is useless. 

Do more active things as a couple. Go for walks. Have a family game night. Watch a comedy together. Laughter & movement help to combat depression


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## Hereweare3702 (9 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You can't love somebody through depression. They have to address their own issues. Unfortunately the depression makes it hard for them to act.
> 
> What can you do to reassure him? If he feels no one loves him can you say ILY every day & mean it? Can you leave him little love notes in his lunch or hide them in his sock drawer? Get the kids involved too. Make him feel special.
> 
> ...


It is a consistent reassurance with which he does not believe my actions or words. When I am being sincere he tend to ask me , what do I want and I tell him nothing just to love you and show my appreciation. He doesn’t believe me and at that point I feel rejected and stop what I’m doing and go ethier sit on the couch or back in the bedroom.

then 6-10 mins later he will come and ask if I am going to have an attitude for the rest of the day and now of course I am because instead of embracing my intentions , it has backfired on me.

We can try to do couple things. We finally have the same days off so we will see if it will be successful or a disaster


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> You can't love somebody through depression. They have to address their own issues. Unfortunately the depression makes it hard for them to act.
> 
> What can you do to reassure him? If he feels no one loves him can you say ILY every day & mean it? Can you leave him little love notes in his lunch or hide them in his sock drawer? Get the kids involved too. Make him feel special.
> 
> ...


This right here. You CANNOT save your husband from his depression. You can’t. It has to be aN active choice he makes. Do support him loads, like the above poster states. All good things.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What has led him to believe you don’t love him?

What were the early years of your marriage like together?

What were his wants and needs and concerns (and yours) before this current episode?


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