# rums pain



## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

History- We met online, She is 35, she has one son, now 13. Me 35 one daughter, now 10. We each had a kid from previous relationships. we have been together for 7 years. We have a child together, a boy, 3 years old. We are a small melting pot of a family. I cant stress enough how much I love her son, and this family we've created, they even refer to eachother as Brother and sister.

I cheated on her a couple of years ago, we split and reconciled about 2 months later after that incident. The cheating occurred after the total lack of attention after the baby just finally got to me. No sex, no holding hands, nothing. She was just a body.
When we got back together all seemed ok, we had our occasional BS argument but for the most we were on the road to everlasting love. The girl that I cheated with....well she was kind of a nut case, I knew her for about a month and she didnt take my ending it too well. 

almost 3 years passed and the girl I cheated on my wife with saw me at Costco with my wife, this infuriated her and she sent a facebook message to my wife a couple of weeks ago detailing our affair. Even went so far to say I saw her last month, well i didnt. There really is no proof of it, but guess it is her word against mine.


My wife is a at home mom/ student, i work hard on us, I have attended therapy, church functions and what not, I give her space I give her whatever we can afford, i gave her my soul.


I live in California, i travel for work and average about 65 overnights a year in to various states, I had to do this to earn enough for our lifestyle as modest as it is...its los angeles its expensive. Lately she has been complaining about me being gone so I have been bowing out of travel for work, and using miles to bring her along. This did nothing but prompt another email about work and me risking my job because I turn down travel to be with them.


Last weekend we told the kids...we told them we are splitting up, this emotionally rocked me to my core, I am crying just typing this. There we were sitting on the floor in circle and the two oldest were hugging me crying as well, She didn't engage us, just sat there stearn, no tears, no nothing. I proceeded to tell them, hang out guys, just enjoy eachother while you can. I made a rum and coke, went outside and cried some more. 


I haven't been working, I've been emotionally destroyed, i tried to the other day and pretty much just lost it in the cafeteria. Sometimes she will see me with obvious signs of crying and just blow it off and ask about going the grocery store. I go to the gym alot, have done that either, i walk in and walk out.


I love my wife, without a doubt she is my best friend, she and I had great adventures, we have raised great children, I don't have a choice here because she is gone and my heart went with her. I'm just lost. I know time heals all wounds, i just don't want that.


I kinda of just scattered a bunch of different details, im sure more to come as my thread goes on


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

How calculated, she had a custody agreement of our son pretty much all ready to go. Very detailed, if she would have just put that energy in talking to me...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

ready made custody agreement? Um ... do you think she was seeing someone?


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

I dont know, everything is going thru my mind, she is...she isnt.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

Are you saying this whole divorce thing hinges just on what your ex affair partner told your wife? Or is there more?


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

Darrien said:


> Are you saying this whole divorce thing hinges just on what your ex affair partner told your wife? Or is there more?


It hinges on that and her sudden unhappiness of where her life is going.

She goes to school, She was in the mortgage industry, was laid off and we agreed i would work and support her while she takes care of the kids and works on her degree.

She is saying she is unhappy because, our money situation is tight, she feels far from her family that lives a hour away, she wanted to move closer, i told her it wouldnt be a good idea right now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Since she was in mortgage industry I'm guessing she has some idea on how much divorce will drain both of you? It doesn't make sense for her to claim financial unhappiness yet want to divorce.

+1 Pluto2's point.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

That's hardly divorce material?
It's like saying you want a divorce because it's been raining all week and you're pissed off.
I don't get it, unless she's maybe been thinking about this for a while and was just looking for a suitable trigger point?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mine left after 22 years together after an argument over the damn cat. Separated 18 month's and there is no one else. You never know what goes through their minds. My guess is the reminder from the girl you had the affair with sparked the whole affair mess in your wife's mind. She probably can't get over the affair even though she tried to put it behind to reconcile with you the first time. I hope you realize what your wife went through physically and mentally after having your baby. A new baby is alot of work too. 

I hope it works out in the end for you but my guess is shes still tryung to get over the original affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

Darrien said:


> That's hardly divorce material?
> It's like saying you want a divorce because it's been raining all week and you're pissed off.
> I don't get it, unless she's maybe been thinking about this for a while and was just looking for a suitable trigger point?


i dont know, by that rational anything can be a trigger point. Prior to this annocement she has made, i did look all thru email and her phone, we have a open viewing policy, i did not come across anything.

Sex has been bleek, maybe 3 times a month, her overall demeanor oover the last 3, 4 weeks has been cold.

Last night her son 13, wanted to just lean on me, he was sad about not seeing me anymore and i tried my best to put my best face on. I dont see how dividing a family that took long to unite is worth it.

My daughter and him call eachother brother and sister for christ sake! fICK!


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

> Mine left after 22 years together after an argument over the damn cat.


Yeah Sad, that about sums it up. (lol)
I sometimes think they don't need a reason My wife couldn't come up with anything better than she's "changed".


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

Darrien said:


> Yeah Sad, that about sums it up. (lol)
> I sometimes think they don't need a reason My wife couldn't come up with anything better than she's "changed".



Ive been texts all day about splitting the bills, i cant even this past 5 minutes from now, i wish i could be cold like her.


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

Today is payday, transferred my first child support payment and i sent her a text letting her know it has been transferred.

I get a text back.."Oh ok, well atleast you have some cash to go out this weekend"

i cant believe this, she left me. This is my first weekend alone, I cant even think.

My response i have cued up but have not sent "Are you trying to push my head further underwater? I cant eat, sleep, work cause of this, and you just assume, time to go out?"


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## rumandcoke (Jul 25, 2012)

rumandcoke said:


> Today is payday, transferred my first child support payment and i sent her a text letting her know it has been transferred.
> 
> I get a text back.."Oh ok, well atleast you have some cash to go out this weekend"
> 
> ...


kept reading the forums...opted not to send, site gave me strength.


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