# Do you know yours and your partners love language?



## Rayloveshiswife

A better question might be. Do you know what a love language is? Your love language is the means by which you naturally feel or receive love best. There are five of them and they are:

1: Physical touch
2: Acts of service
3: Giving gifts
4: Words of affirmation
5: Quality time

Everyone is different. Yours and your partners are probably different and the biggest problem is that we tend to try to love someone with our love language, even though theirs may be different. 

For me and my wife. I am a primary Words of Affirmation with a strong Phsyical Touch second. For my wife it's Acts of Service first and Quality time second. For me I love it when she tells me how well I support our family and when she compliments me on my appearance or something I've done. Nuff said on the Phsyical touch thing. It's a whole different ball game for my wife as the things that mean the world to her and make her feel loved, don't matter to me at all. For her, me cleaning the house and taking out the trash without being told to do so can make her hot and bothered. Bad news for me because after working a 70 hour work week, the last thing I want to do is house work. But it's how she feels loved, so that's what I do. 

For anyone interested here is link to the 5 love languages test. Give it a try. You may just find out you have been trying to love your partner all wrong. 

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy

oops.. I should have posted it here i Guess...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/130882-love-languages-analyze-us.html


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## SimplyAmorous

Although when we met...we never heard of the 5 love languages...we thrived on being together...this just Upped something in both of us... our confidence grew...not that we could really describe these things.. . both his friends and mine took a hit... I bought that book so many years into our marriage, read a little, put it down & didn't think of it for years... Also have the one about our children's Love languages... 

When I came to this forum, this book was praised very strongly..to be some direction to understanding our spouses.... I looked for it again on my shelf, dusted it off.... I was thinking our Love languages was in the same order -because we've always gotten along so well... did the tests and found we were a near perfect match... which was pretty cool...

(*Me* ...........11 Quality time, 8 Physical Touch, 7 Words of Affirmation, 4 Acts of Service, 0 gifts) 
(*Husband*...10 Quality time, 9 Physical Touch, 5 Words of Affirmation, 5 Acts of Service, 1 gifts)










Thought I'd mention this book here as well...it's a little more detailed >>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these give a list of our Core Emotional Needs ...and with these too...men & women can have in differing orders , which can cause some conflict if we are missing it... it's really good to learn these things, so we can keep our lovers emotional cup overflowing...



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> 5. *Family commitment*
> 6.* Financial support*
> 7. *Honesty and openness*
> 8. *Physical attractiveness*
> 9. *Recreational companionship*
> 10. *Sexual fulfillment*










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## Bellavista

Rayloveshiswife said:


> For me and my wife. I am a primary Words of Affirmation with a strong Phsyical Touch second. For my wife it's Acts of Service first and Quality time second. For me I love it when she tells me how well I support our family and when she compliments me on my appearance or something I've done. Nuff said on the Phsyical touch thing. It's a whole different ball game for my wife as the things that mean the world to her and make her feel loved, don't matter to me at all. For her, me cleaning the house and taking out the trash without being told to do so can make her hot and bothered. Bad news for me because after working a 70 hour work week, the last thing I want to do is house work. But it's how she feels loved, so that's what I do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, this is us to a tee. H is words of affirmation followed by physical touch & I am strongly acts of service & time.

We have had to learn this, as I would be running around doing things for my H and he would be telling me how much he appreciates me, but neither of us felt particularly like the other cared.

When H told me he didn't feel like I believed in him with his business, I was shocked. I had given up my job, was working with him and studying at uni to be a better help for him, how much more could I show I believed in him? However, I never actually came out and said it.

in the meantime, he would watch me run around like a headless chook and tell me how awesome I was at being able to do everything and all I wanted was for him to tell me to sit down while he did things for me.

Once we actually sat down and talked this through, we were able to understand each other and things improved. Sure, it takes effort for me to remember to tell him how awesome he is, because to me, that means little, but it is worth it. It takes effort for him to remember to do things for me, but it is worth it for him.


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## romantic_guy

Yep...mine are physical touch and quality time. My wife's are ASIC of service and words of affirmation.


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## Married but Happy

We both share the same four (i.e., all except gifts), and they are roughly equal in importance. But we even do gifts occasionally; for example I'll buy her flowers, or she'll get my favorite licorice. If I had to rank them, I'd say quality time, touch, words, acts of service, and gifts occasionally.


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## ScarletBegonias

1: Physical touch
This is H as well as me but it's higher up for him than me.I'm not talking sex here though bc we're equal on that now.Im talking hugs and kisses and cuddles.I think this would be below words of affirmation for him and it would be below quality time for me. 

2: Acts of service
I think we're about the same on this one.We have sort of a take it or leave it attitude.We both pull our weight equally when it comes to doing things that need to be done so I don't consider it part of our love languages.

3: Giving gifts
not really a biggie for either but higher up for me than him.

4: Words of affirmation
HUGE for both. I'd say this is a primary for both people for sure.

5: Quality time
We both need a lot of quality time.VERY high on the list.

So him:
1.WOA
2.Physical Touch
3.Quality Time

Me:
1.WOA
2.Quality Time
3.Physical Touch

It's tough to pick between those because I feel they're all so very important to us.If I could speak for H,I think he'd say it would be tough to decide which is the most important at this time in our lives.I'm sure things will shift in importance as we grow and mature though.


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## Fozzy

1. Physical touch--biggie for me
2. Quality time--almost tied with #3
3. Words of affirmation
4. Acts of Service--not high priority for me. Even though I'd basically live like a caveman without her, I'd be ok with that.
5. Gifts--meh. I buy what I want and encourage her to get herself whatever she wants. Cards and tchotchkies don't really do anything for me.

Her:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Quality time
4. Physical touch (tied with #5 for being non-existent)
5. Gifts--this is really the only one we're in sync on.


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## SugarMonstaa

I don't know if I 100% agree. I think it's a good article but I feel like all are somewhat important. I feel like I do all of those...


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## Rayloveshiswife

Correct. All are important. But most likely only one or two really speak to you and your SO. 

Example: my wife and I are rebuilding our marriage after being closer to D than I care to admit. Everything is going awsome and this last weekend I took her on a lat minute camping trip, just the two of us. We got backstreets at night and because I had to be at work at 3am this morning I hurried off to bed without laying out my clothes and other stuff I need for work like I normally do. Upon getting up this morning I found that my wife had done this for me after I went to bed. Cool, I left her a note thanking her and went on with my business. About a hour ago she sent me a text that read. " I want to thank you for everything you have done to save our marriage and especially for waking me up to problems I was too blind to see. You are a wonderful husband and my best friend". This text made my day as my primary love language is Words of Affirmation, and acts of service (laying out my clothes I had forgotten) mean little to me. What she told me in that text made me feel loved and warm inside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noble1

The book was great to read and did supply a few items to think about.

But I can't get my wife to really "buy into it". She was the one who ordered me the books too after I told her I've been reading about how to keep our marriage alive and even better.

I've sent her the links to the test profiles and we shared our results.

My issue is I'm not sure what I can do at this point to have her supply me with some of my love language (physical touch - with her only really - kids too I guess).

We'll sit on the couch and I'll rub her legs, give her back rubs in bed, etc....but she won't/can't return the efforts.

I'm not sure if she realizes there is a difference between me rubbing her legs and her actually rubbing my legs.

Just a small rant from me. (but suggestions would be appreciated).


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## yeah_right

After his EA ended, we looked at the list in His Needs, Her Needs... and also found our love languages. It was very eye opening. We realized where we BOTH were making mistakes in the marriage and now work hard to make sure we take the time to consider each others' needs. We also took the Dr. Phil test this week that's floating all over Facebook. That was also enlightening, especially for him to learn that I am very slow to trust again. It helped him understand my triggers better.

Overall, these are tools that can be used by couples committed to putting in the work to either save or maintain a solid marriage. I've never been a fan of "self-help" stuff, but I'm a believer now.

P.S. - Although we have accepted shared blame for problems in the marriage, he does recognize that he's 150% responsible for the EA. That was critical to R!


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## omega

When we'd been married 2 years, my H and I did the test. Our scores were almost EXACTLY the same, I think the last two were like one point apart. I don't remember numbers but I remember that our top love language was Physical Touch and our last one was Gifts. We spent about 2-3 hours/day in active physical contact to the exclusion of all else (in the bedroom, no TV, no interruptions [we live alone]) usually in the early evening. We just spend that time touching and talking and cuddling. Sex and sleep are separate from this. The thought of being married to someone who didn't crave this 2-3 hours of complete tenderness and connectedness as much as I do makes me feel physically ill. I feel so lucky because I heard about the test from friends and we all took it with our Hs and H and I were the only couple that were compatible - yikes!!! 

On the down(?) side, we give the worst gifts. Most of the time we don't bother. Example - I gave him towels for his birthday last year, nothing for his birthday this year. He gave me a potted plant last year, and this year nothing. And neither one of us gives a hoot about it. With Christmas coming, I'm planning to give him ... uh ... no, actually I'm not LOL.


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