# I want a NEW marriage to my wife ...



## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

People, this post is written to the universe and is confirmation that I have made my decision to save my marriage.

History, I have been separated from my wife since May 15, 2017. This is our second separation, the first one happened from Jan 2010 to Sept 2010.

My wife is absolutely against us reconciling our marriage because she doesn't trust me. The trust has nothing to do with abuse or infidelity. The trust have to do with me emotionally checking out and complacency. She wants her man to place her needs first, including emotional, family, sexual and connection.

For the record, I acknowledge that I have failed on many issues regarding my marriage. I take full responsibility for it, and I confirm that this break up is my fault. I did it due to foolish and careless behavior. 

With that said, I read a book called "Daring Greatly" by Dr. Brene Brown which absolutely changed my heart. and that is the purpose of this note to the universe. I have opened my heart to a new source of untapped emotions that I am dying to expose to my wife. I have guarded and protected my heart for most of my marriage of 25 years. NO MORE. For God Sake, the last time I cried with my wife was 25 years ago on the alter during our marriage. WTF have I been doing! I have done everything wrong. NO MORE!

The day after I left the house, my wife looked at me and said "are you ever going to change"?!?

It's happened! And I am blessed ....

I will be grateful for my life and I will take any opportunity I have to practice my NEW vulnerable heart to those that I love. I have finally woken up, and I now chose to Dare Greatly!


_"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly"_ Theodore Roosevelt


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

But your title suggests you are wanting to rejoin your wife. Sorry. That's unlikely. This is a very common story when a husband just isn't present in every way, and you acknowledge that that's the case. When a woman decides she cannot be in a relationship any longer, and by that I mean that she loves a man but cannot be with him without losing herself, her next task is to make herself stop loving him. One of the sad parts of this sort of thing is that the shock of it often motivates a man to remake himself into someone worthy of love, but it can't be the love of the same woman, because making her self not love was way to painful to risk having to do again. Plus, she stopped loving an a**h***, and how is she to both believe he's now worthy AND fall in love with him. 

Now though, all you can do is see if she's willing to see. You're not going to get a return of love any time soon, if ever. The best you can hope for is a chance for her to see if she believes in who you are now. She can't see inside you. And I bet she's been fooled before, like in 2010. You're going to need the greatest patience. And the greatest restraint. If you go in there trying to show her the grand revelation that remade you, you're going to look like you're just on some kind of emotional high that won't last. You are, fundamentally, hoping for her to get to know you again. But remember, she's known you all too well before. You're asking a very great deal from her. 

Well, you've got nothing to lose. I'd just kind of tell her what you said here, and see what she says. Make it clear you know it's just casual talks and dating at the getting coffee or lunch level for a while. And remember that the marriage couldn't have reached the state it did if she had been a more whole person. You were an ass, but she put up with it for a long time. And she may well not have remade herself yet into a person who can venture into that risk again. Go slow. Go soooo slow. 

If she won't do it, accept it, because that's almost always what happens. Sad truth, but that's folks. If you can't accept it, well, you aren't so well yet as you think you are.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

When you interact with her, be consistent. When she does not believe you, don't get defensive and explain. When she is sarcastic, don't be defensive.

It won't be easy, because you have patterns of reaction, emotional suppression, avoidance, and (lack of) communication, (probably passive aggressive tendencies as well) that you have practiced for years and which you must begin to recognize as they happen, and replace with healthy ones.

With your new revelation, at least you are open to new emotional and communication techniques. Read, read, read, to identify your unhealthy old triggers and patterns, so you can begin to change them.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Bemmer Nut said:


> My wife is absolutely against us reconciling our marriage because she doesn't trust me. The trust has nothing to do with abuse or infidelity. The trust have to do with me emotionally checking out and complacency. She wants her man to place her needs first, including emotional, family, sexual and connection.
> 
> For the record, I acknowledge that I have failed on many issues regarding my marriage. I take full responsibility for it, and I confirm that this break up is my fault. I did it due to foolish and careless behavior.
> 
> I have opened my heart to a new source of untapped emotions that I am dying to expose to my wife. I have guarded and protected my heart for most of my marriage of 25 years. NO MORE. For God Sake, the last time I cried with my wife was 25 years ago on the alter during our marriage. WTF have I been doing! I have done everything wrong. NO MORE!


Have you told her this as plainly and simply as you wrote it? If her heart is not hardened to you by now, she might think that you have finally "gotten it."

If you have really gotten it, and change, treating her with understanding and complete emotional honesty, no matter how she responds to you, she might actually begin to believe you. But as the previous poster said, it will take at least a year or two for her to really believe you and begin to let you back into her heart. Any old/bad behaviors will trigger her, and she will forget all your newfound emotions and progress. I'm speaking from experience, as that is what happens to me every time my husband behaves with his old, unhealthy patterns.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> But your title suggests you are wanting to rejoin your wife. Sorry. That's unlikely. This is a very common story when a husband just isn't present in every way, and you acknowledge that that's the case. When a woman decides she cannot be in a relationship any longer, and by that I mean that she loves a man but cannot be with him without losing herself, her next task is to make herself stop loving him. One of the sad parts of this sort of thing is that the shock of it often motivates a man to remake himself into someone worthy of love, but it can't be the love of the same woman, because making her self not love was way to painful to risk having to do again. Plus, she stopped loving an a**h***, and how is she to both believe he's now worthy AND fall in love with him.
> 
> Now though, all you can do is see if she's willing to see. You're not going to get a return of love any time soon, if ever. The best you can hope for is a chance for her to see if she believes in who you are now. She can't see inside you. And I bet she's been fooled before, like in 2010. You're going to need the greatest patience. And the greatest restraint. If you go in there trying to show her the grand revelation that remade you, you're going to look like you're just on some kind of emotional high that won't last. You are, fundamentally, hoping for her to get to know you again. But remember, she's known you all too well before. You're asking a very great deal from her.
> 
> ...


Wow your words rang so true to me that it hurts... I’m married and have been trying to talk with my husband about the same problems over and over again and I felt that he often dismissed it and invalidated it. I felt alone and lack of emotional support and connection. Probably I failed in my way of communicating too.

But I do feel that as a defense mechanism I began to check out gradually. It really is a painful process. I also feel tired of talking about same thins over and over again without a change. To my husband we are fine and I’m the problem maker. I feel like I’m giving up slowly and I can’t trust him on change anymore. He always ends up saying he would change but nothing happened.

So you are right. OP’s wife might not be willing to give it a try again. The pain for her can be a lot. Years of suffering.

Many times I wondered about breakup but didn’t do because I wanted to have hope. I feel that if I ever decide it then it would be definite because of this.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Slartibartfast said:


> I know. The support I can give you is to let you know my first wife had to do it to save herself. In the process, it turned out she saved me and became my hero. It hurt SO much. But it was the only way for her and for me.
> 
> The point for the Nut is that this too shall pass, and if you work it right, it will help remake you as worthy.


 @Slartibartfast, will you start a thread of your own, with your story about your marriage to your first wife and what went on to make her your hero? I'd like to hear it and I'm sure others would as well.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Seriously? You are making yourself believe this? Such a change after years of anguish and all of the sudden a switch flipped? I wouldn’t trust you either. I don’t mean to offend, but odds are nothing changed, you just think that it did. Even if it had, how could she risk it? Would you?


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## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

Slartibartfast said:


> But your title suggests you are wanting to rejoin your wife. Sorry. That's unlikely. This is a very common story when a husband just isn't present in every way, and you acknowledge that that's the case. When a woman decides she cannot be in a relationship any longer, and by that I mean that she loves a man but cannot be with him without losing herself, her next task is to make herself stop loving him. One of the sad parts of this sort of thing is that the shock of it often motivates a man to remake himself into someone worthy of love, but it can't be the love of the same woman, because making her self not love was way to painful to risk having to do again. Plus, she stopped loving an a**h***, and how is she to both believe he's now worthy AND fall in love with him.


I appreciate your comments. All separations and divorces are different ... and you're plugging me into the status quo. Our situation is unique on so many levels.

I am content with us no longer being together, but it is not what I want. I love her.

Two days after I posted this, I went into my wife's office and I showed her something she has never seen. The sensitive man has been hiding his heart all these years. I am completely authentic, therefore I enter any future conversations with her from the WHOLE HEART. I will no longer be a coward. I will practice gratitude and embrace my vulnerability.

If we are no longer, she will divorce a man who is different than the man she married.

I have known for more than 10 years that something was missing in our marriage. It was the emotional connection that women (AND MEN) so crave. I didn't know what it was, and even if I did, i didn't know how to get it. I DO NOW, and I am going to make things VERY DIFFICULT for the woman who married me 25 years ago.

She told me that I freaked her out when I shared my heart in her office. I cried, and I spoke clearly with courage from the heart for the FIRST TIME IN OUR RELATIONSHIP ... she almost fell off her chair. I am just getting started practicing gratitude and embracing my vulnerability. This is new to me, and I am getting stronger everyday. I do not need to control any aspect of this situation anymore. I will simply share my heart, and let the chips lay as they are.

What this really come down to is not even about my marriage, it's really about me ... I have been a coward for 50 years. NO MORE! I am real, I am authentic and I am enough.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I hate to burst your bubble but what you are doing is more harm than good. It seemed like you are too clingy and pull any strings possible to reunite. My best suggestion or advice is to pull back do a no contact for a few weeks. If you never done the no contact and keep reaching out all that does is just reminds the repetiveness she is familiar with. My guess you been keeping tabs ever so often hoping things improve big mistake. 
If things are improving then thats good keep it up. But if she's seems annoyed then take my advice and pull back .
Do a 180 or what some may call no contact. Go no contact for 3 weeks then come back and just agree with her to a certain extent. Act like your perfectly content in life and act calm. After 30-40 days tread carefully back in her life. Don't pressure for reconciliation just find ways to safely interact with her for a couple of weeks. Do this every 5-10 days after that test the waters by persuading her to meet up together. You got to slowly work back your way in this. Why no contact is a good idea? you got to get her out of what she is familiar with. Also it's a combination of mutiple things but you gotta get out of routine that is predictable. 180 would seem like a safe bet here


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## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

jlcrome said:


> I hate to burst your bubble but what you are doing is more harm than good.


Listen, I know about "no contact" ... this is not my first rodeo. Besides, I own a business with her, and I see her almost every day. We also have a 15 & 10 year old.

I am beyond the games of playing hard to get.

What this really comes down to is not even really about my marriage, it is about me living a life as a coward afraid to take chances. Afraid to expose my heart. Afraid what others would think. Afraid that I could get ridiculed. I have been living my life in shame because I didn't feel worthy of connection and love.

I am no beyond the emotional aspect of losing my wife and my marriage collapsing. When I talk to her in the future, it will be less about my failures as a husband, and more about the missed opportunities of what our life should have been. Our marriage was not a mistake, it was a missed opportunity.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Bemmer Nut said:


> I appreciate your comments. All separations and divorces are different ... and you're plugging me into the status quo. Our situation is unique on so many levels.
> 
> I am content with us no longer being together, but it is not what I want. I love her.
> 
> ...



Sure sounds like it has NEVER been about the marriage.


And how are you "going to makes things VERY DIFFICULT for the woman who married YOU 25 years ago"?
Did you not marry HER and then proceeded to what?

Not share your whole heart? And probably a bunch of other stuff too?




I'm thinking you are seeing half the assets go buhbye and lifetime alimony .

Not saying you are one- but Boy oh Boy- those Cluster B's can turn the waterworks on and off like no other.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Bemmer Nut said:


> Listen, I know about "no contact" ... this is not my first rodeo. Besides, I own a business with her, and I see her almost every day. We also have a 15 & 10 year old.
> 
> I am beyond the games of playing hard to get.
> 
> .


Yep- not you first rodeo AND you own a business together.

Apparently she is OVER you playing hard to get.

Live in a no- fault community property state?

Is TAM the only portal to the Universe?

Why not put your Universe shout out in a bottle and chuck it in the ocean?


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## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

sandcastle said:


> Live in a no- fault community property state?


Ohhhh ... now I get it. You people are so fu*king cynical because you're scorned.


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## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

sandcastle said:


> I'm thinking you are seeing half the assets go buhbye and lifetime alimony .
> 
> Not saying you are one- but Boy oh Boy- those Cluster B's can turn the waterworks on and off like no other.


What a sick and horrible thing to say. I know why you're scorned and likely divorced ... you're not a nice person. I wouldn't want to be married to you either.

This is enlightening to me, and let's me know that I'm on the right track in my life ... I know this because your words repulse me.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Bemmer- 
We are talking about YOUR marriage.
Remember you are the OP?
You gave us the deets on your 25 years of apparently not a great marriage that YOUR WIFE WANTS OUT OF.

Your heart ignored your wife for 25 years and I'm now the bad guy?

Too funny.


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## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

sandcastle said:


> Your heart ignored your wife for 25 years and I'm now the bad guy?
> 
> Too funny.


Let's point out your words:

<i>"I'm thinking you are seeing half the assets go buhbye and lifetime alimony"</i>

<i>"Not saying you are one- but Boy oh Boy- those Cluster B's can turn the waterworks on and off like no other."</i>

<i>"Live in a no- fault community property state?"</i>

<i>"Why not put your Universe shout out in a bottle and chuck it in the ocean?"</i>

Yep ... they speak loudly. I think your words are really about you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Businesses survive divorce, so I don't think your awakening has to do with money because you have been disconnected and running a successful business for years.

You having hope while she doesn't will make things difficult, but which suffers most depends on you because your suffering will ripple all directions if you let it control you.

Since 2010, how have you addressed those insecurities?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Bemmer Nut said:


> Let's point out your words:
> 
> <i>"I'm thinking you are seeing half the assets go buhbye and lifetime alimony"</i>
> 
> ...


Ok.

Good luck!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Meaningful silence is often better than meaningless words... listen and silent are spelled with the same letters, funny how that works.

Oh... and the comments one may find here are not gospel's of your life, think about how they apply and respond, not react.

Your journey is just beginning if your awakening has truly come... you can never have too little too late for yourself.

ETA... I just read your first posting... perhaps it is just time to focus on yourself and let the rest fall into place, but you have to trust the process to do so.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Businesses survive divorce, so I don't think your awakening has to do with money because you have been disconnected and running a successful business


See- that ALL changes once divorce papers are filed.

Unless the wife agrees to stay partners after the assets are split.

Usually one spouse buys out the other or the Judge orders it sold if there are not enough assets to equalize..

Real life in Family Law ...

Sad but true.
Hope OP and his heart can pull this off.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

sandcastle said:


> See- that ALL changes once divorce papers are filed.
> 
> Unless the wife agrees to stay partners after the assets are split.
> 
> ...


Perhaps...but if the disconnect is the norm then not much else changes outside of living arrangements and that is already separate too.

OP, do you have a legal separation or has your wife mentioned filing for separation/divorce?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Perhaps...but if the disconnect is the norm then not much else changes outside of living arrangements and that is already separate too.
> 
> ?


Once you get done paying family law attorneys, forensic accountants, business attorneys, business evaluators and they have minor children in a long term marriage.


Scary stuff!


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Perhaps you are not quite as "transformed" as you would like to believe. If you are truly morphed into someone that is not bothered by others and their opinions of you/your life then how is it possible to become indignant and angry over some of the posts here? I believe that further introspection is warranted. If you truly desire to change yourself then I am of the opinion that it is possible, highly improbable but possible. However, it does not come about after reading one book and proclaiming an epiphany. It will take years and much effort for you to rewrite the programming that you have used for the last several decades. It is exceedingly difficult.

If you are diligent you may experience some success but if you are only half-hearted in your attempt it will prove to be futile. You should understand this before you attempt to persuade your W to come back because if you are not ready and you falter it will most probably seal your fate in her mind. I would continue to self analyze and try to accept that this will be a process. Your W may endure to see the outcome or she may be done but in either case the objective is a better you. That is the goal to aspire to. Your journey will be difficult but the outcome is a better father, better person and better H, if not to your current W then another when/if you are ready. I wish you good fortune.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Fortune favors the bold.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

But battles are won by the prepared.


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## Bemmer Nut (Feb 9, 2010)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Since 2010, how have you addressed those insecurities?


Now that is an excellent question.

I have discovered a new way to form perspectives in my life. In the past I numbed my shame (the way I felt about myself) with wine. Way Too Much Wine. The problem is you can't selectively numb only your bad emotions ... when you drink (or any other addiction) to numb yourself, you also take away all the positive emotions like joy, laughter, love, connection, empathy and intimacy.

So to really answer your question, I have stepped into my vulnerability and decided to practice it. OMG ... it works. I have been a shell of human for years, and this new thing has changed the way I live, love, work and parent. My heart has literally changed due to me practicing vulnerability. It's amazing what this has done for me.

Google a video called "The Power of Vulnerability" led by Brene Brown. It's the starting point to what has happened to me.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Bemmer Nut said:


> What a sick and horrible thing to say. I know why you're scorned and likely divorced ... you're not a nice person. I wouldn't want to be married to you either.
> 
> This is enlightening to me, and let's me know that I'm on the right track in my life ... I know this because your words repulse me.


Ahhh...spoken like a true Cluster B!


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