# Is there any hope?



## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

Wow....never thought I would be here. It hurts so much but I've lost hope and I don't want to.

My H & I have been married 8 years - long hard years. We have a child that is 8, I have a daugher who is 13 and he has a daughter who is 10. We've had several PFA's, he's been kicked out, he's lost alot and me too through it all.

We separated fo the last time in August 2010. He last talked to his son Feb 2011. This past year I have been working on myself like crazy. I learned alot of things about myself that I needed to make right - people I needed to apologize to (even if they didn't accept it).

Finally, got the nerve to write him a simple letter at Christmas. The next day after he got it he called me. We talked for a while and he said it was for closure. The next day another call (he's a local truck driver) and another and soon it was 2 weeks talking about 2-3 hours a day. We were having talks about working it out. How much we were scared, he saw changes in me, etc.

Here's the kicker.....he is 35, I am 39 and he is living with a 20 year old and her 2 yr old for almost a year now. I listened to him vent about her, her parenting, her laziness (can't hold a job), etc etc. She is also a former drug user and he helped her to get clean. He is someone that says "I dont want you to be the reason we split, I want the issues in the relationship to be it". 

One day he said they were going their own ways. I was thrilled and thought let me give him a day to deal. I texted the next day asking to meet, welllllllll here comes the heartbreak......she was back, he said he made a mistake and neither of them were comfortable with being apart. I was livid and then went to his house and caused a scene. Not such a good thing but I was almost suicidal. I even took the kids with me and his son begged him to come home. Not a good decision on my part. He did stay outside with me for about 20 mins talking very calmly. *At no point has he said that it is over, I don't want you.
*

The mother of this 20 yr old lives in the same building 1 floor down and called the cops on me. They never showed but the kids were shaken up.

That was Jan 10th. The next day I got a text saying that he was very happy and glad he made the right choice and is going to hold on tight. IT CAME THROUGH TWICE! I was unsure it was for me so I text back ----wrong person? and called him and left a voice mail crying and happy at the same time but wondering if it was for real. A text came back "Yup Sry". It was for her.....odd thing is for this whole year we've not been together not one single "error" text came to me. and to mention TWICE???? Anyways,,,,,,,, how do I explain this...when he and I look at each other there is something deep there. We have that true love but he is too scared to do anything about it. He knows he still loves me but won't act on it. I begged him to come home. He says stuff like "no one knows what the future its, things could change".

My 13 yr daughter hasn't had any communication with him for a long time. He & I talked the other day and he wants to remain in her life as he was really the only father she knew. He thinks of her as his and still has her pic in his car. She has formed a hate for him but it was based on how I "fed" her info for the past years. I had to muddle on getting through that with her and explain & apologize. She agreed to text him and in the past several days they have exchanged over 200 texts. Most of it is just silly stuff but some of it was serious like can I still call you dad. She also shared that she is hoping for a miracle with us. I am thrilled for her and trying just to be happy that she has a dad in her life. 

I question why he hasn't filed divorce in almost a year if he is with her. His excuse is no money and no time. He still will not tell me it is over. We maintain contct here and there. 2 dyas ago the GF's mom tried to Facebook friend me and that blew up into some craziness and he was really angry. The thing is that I think the GF did it with or without the mom's help. She's 20 - who wouldn't do that! I have pics posted of our wedding, the kids & I, my rings, etc. Alot of family pic and i think it made her upset. She thinks he is cheating on her daughter with me. HELLO? I am the Wife!!!!

Yesterday I get a text from GF from his phone apologizing and saying how much she hates her mom and sorry for the BS. I flipped out in my house and called a friend before I lost it. Told me to mull over it for a day so I did. Called him this morning and said I wnated to check in on sports (my son plays bball) for the weekend and talk to him about something. I said I was off to the gym so I had 10 mins. {I am trying to sound happy, busy, upbeat on every communication}. He called me back and I was already busy so I didn;t answer. He called right away again and left me a VM to call him back. I called him back later and told him i wasn't comfortable with the GF texting me....he was a little upset because it was an "apology". I said I accept the apology but I don't think right now is a productive time for me to communicate with her. All of a sudden now he is using the "We" this and "We" that in our conversation when referring to her. Plus he decides to tell me that they have a really good relationship. Ummmm is that a red flag? I don't need to know that ...are you trying to prove that to yourself?

So the phone call drops because of a bad area and I tried to call him back once and nothing. I don't leave a message. He calls me later and says on my VM that i guess the conversation is done....and reiterates the apology. Obviously for him it wasn't done or he wouldn't have called back. About an hour later I text him back for his closure "Apology accepted-drive safely".

UGH I feel in limbo.....I want more than anything to have my husband home. He is working so hard right now to provide for her lazy butt & the kid, my kid with him and his other daughter. Not that it isn't his responsbility but things financially would be so much easier for him if he was home. Plus, not to mention all of the other dreams I have of our family vacations, etc.

Please anyone......any help....any recommendations, I will answer anything. I went to dr today for depression meds becasue I cannot go through a day without crying and praying and begging God to bring him home.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

I was exhausted just reading your post...How could you still want your husband after the things he put you through?
How could you still read hope in his actions? He is living with a girl almost twice his age, clearly chose her. "Accidentally" let you know through text that he did chose her.
Cut your losses, pull yourself together, file for divorce, don't wait for him. He likes the idea that you are still pining for him, most insecure men wants this in order to stroke their ego.
You have clearly, almost reached the lowest of the low when you went to his apartment and confronted him with your son. It's time to gain your dignity back. Show him you can be strong, and move on.


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## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks ProfJ but I believe that somehow God can put all this back together. Somehow I have hope from Him alone. I cant' explain why or how but even at my lowest I trust God.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

This may sound harsh but I promise I say this with your best interest in mind. My 33yo husband was having an affair with a 20yo... I kicked him out and that are together now so I totally get your pain... I really really do.

But you need to get a grip! He, for now, wants to be with her. You are boosting his ego every single time you act like you want him back. He has his gf and he also ha the satisfaction of knowin that you love him and would take him back in a heartbeat.

He knows that you are there if he decides to get rid of his skanky gf so he's in no rush.

Do the 180 ... Immediately! Act like you see him for the douche bag that he is, learn to be thankful that his 20yo has to put up with his ****, not you. 

Please, please find some self respect ... He has no respect for you or your feeling. You need to recognise that you deserve to be treated with respect, but until you respect yourself no one else will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, threat him according to the 180 ... see the link in my signature block below.

Then file for divorce. 

What you are doing now is not going to being him back. What will bring him back is if you grow a back bone, start showing him that your are not wasting away waiting for him.. and that if he wants you he will have to get you back now.

You can always call off the divorce if he comes back. And if he does not you can move on with your life a free woman.


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## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

i don't know how you women & men do it. I really don't. I wish I had half of the nerve you guys do. I know you all have been there before and so I want to take your advice it's just so hard. I don't let him know I care at all. I don't really even communicate with him except for what has to do with the kids which is SO hard to do because I want him to realize what he is missing! 

Today he promised he was going to be there for our sons baseball practice....he promised...never has he broken a promise for his son....have I received a call yet? Nope, nothing....part of me (i know it sounds so stupid!) still is hoping at 9pm tonight that he will show up. Ugh....at least he doesn't know this. But I am so hurt & sad for my son. I pray he is ok and that nothing happened to him but I WILL NOT call him and give him the satisfaction of him knowing we are concerned. This is his responsibility. I had to sit there and comfort my son and my daughter today. They hurt so much!!!! Why do I let this man do this to mE!!!!


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## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

Need advice....do I still let him know about his son's sports? I don't want to text him because I dont want to contact him right now. It's bad enough that my 13 yr old & he text.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

no he will call when he's ready... let him be. you're bring the kids pain by making him promising things to them that he can't deliver.


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## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

ok one of my friends said that as a father it is his right to know about the kids schedules. I didn't make him promise anything - he did that on his own the entire week and then no-showed.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Do you want him?
or 
Do you want a marriage?
or 
Do want him because she have him?

and 

Did you do this with your daughter's father?
also leave your girl out of this.


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## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

WITH ALL MY HEART! Yes I want him, yes I want our marriage and no I dont want him because she has him. I took a long hard year to work on myself and all of my issues (depression, rape, and more). I didn't do this with my daughters father because i wasn't married to him and he & I didn't love each other after so many years. We were together 7 years.

I do leave my daughter out of it but my husband is the one that initiated it saying he would like to have contact with her and still be a father to her even though she isn't his he still considers her his daughter becasue her own dad isn't a dad to her.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

also it your marriage not his!!
you know your situation.,. good luck


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're in limbo because you let yourself be in limbo. Start taking control and responsibility for your own happiness and future.

As far as letting him know things like your kids schedules... I don't know what kind of sports organization your son is in, but I'd simply let him know via e-mail or text that "Son's team is xxx". He can get the schedule information on his own. Let him take then initiative to be involved with his son's life. You can't keep your son from him, but you don't have to handhold your husband either.

I think it would be ok to let him know that he's hurt his son's feelings, and is damaging his relationship with your son through his actions. Leave your own feelings out of it. And if you can keep your daughter from being dragged into it, it sounds like you'd be doing her a favor.

C


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## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks PBear. He doesn't have email and the sports team communicates via email. When I tell him that his son hurts he turns it around and thinks I am pumping the kids with info.

My 13year old wants the relationship with him as her father and he does too. How do I handle that if they both want it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband can sign up for an e-mail account. They're fricking free, and if he's got a phone that can receive texts, he can probably get e-mail on it. 

He NEEDS to be a grown up and take responsibility for his relationship with his son. There's no other solution. As far as dealing with your son goes, you may have to explain to your son in a tactful way that it's up to his dad to work at maintaining a relationship. Your son should be old enough to understand that you can't be the go-between all the time. You can do it in a way that doesn't bad-mouth your husband; stick to the basic facts and keep your emotions and feelings out of it.

You might also look at some form of family counseling or parenting classes to help the three of you (you and your kids). I think your kids are going to go through a rough go in the near future.

C


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## Bissabella (Jan 27, 2012)

Hmmm never thought of his phone getting emails. Good idea! Thanks. 

As far as my son I have been trying to do the 180 and not call/text anything but it is SO hard to do! I never bad mouth the kids dad's ever in front of them and hardly ever anyways.....kids always find this out on their own.

The kids and have been in counseling for a while now - I was concerned at what might or might not happen down the road for all of us so we started that already.

Has anyone been where I am now - does anyone have any good & positive thoughts? I am so down on myself and this situation and I beat myself up about it everyday. Would be nice to hear something that would be encouraging of people that actually made it through a mess like this.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

PBear said:


> Your husband can sign up for an e-mail account. They're fricking free, and if he's got a phone that can receive texts, he can probably get e-mail on it.
> 
> He NEEDS to be a grown up and take responsibility for his relationship with his son. There's no other solution. As far as dealing with your son goes, you may have to explain to your son in a tactful way that it's up to his dad to work at maintaining a relationship. Your son should be old enough to understand that you can't be the go-between all the time. You can do it in a way that doesn't bad-mouth your husband; stick to the basic facts and keep your emotions and feelings out of it.
> 
> ...


Well said


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