# Total Lockdown



## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Heard my husband counting down on either his iPad or iPhone 4, he said total lockdown in 10,9,8,7,6,5 then stopped. 

I know it's sad I was listening but he is into porn rather than me, the one to one videos on the internet. We've been through a rough time and things are now settled but it seems he doesn't want me sexually. 

When I broached it with him he said he would stop. It drives me mad, makes me feel inadequate, on everything else we get on well.

But just wondered if he was hiding something on his iPad or iPhone with this total lockdown.

If anyone has any ideas I would be happy to hear.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Don't know anything about " lockdown" but what I can tell you is that if your husband is replacing sexual intimacy with porn then he's putting you under 
" lockdown ", because you are not allowed to have sex intimacy with anyone else. 

You have already told him that you are not ok with it, and he promised to stop.
I think he should , at least until sex come back to some sort of normalcy between both of you.

In addition,
You should be extremely suspicious about those webcam sites with one to one girls chatting. It is a form of cheating because it is interactive. Those girls are_ live_.
Also those girls give out their contact numbers so they can hook up discretely with clients for exorbitant fees.
Check his credit card bank statement and you would e able to see whee the money is being spent.


Time to do some forensics.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks, he never seems to go anywhere so it seems to be all on line but it is tearing me apart. Not sure what to do next. I'm told they will lie and I I found out he still visits sites. Thanks Caribbean Man


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Do you think he would be open to individual counseling or marriage counseling?


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

No I've tried to but he says no, I've been having councelling with marriage guidance and they say to set boundaries, hence me saying no porn, that I can't accept it in my home and bed.

He is a good guy, and I think he's been doing porn all our marriage I just hadn't realised and now with internet you can have most everything.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Rosey said:


> No I've tried to but he says no, I've been having councelling with marriage guidance and they say to set boundaries, hence me saying no porn, that I can't accept it in my home and bed.
> 
> He is a good guy, and I think he's been doing porn all our marriage I just hadn't realised and now with internet you can have most everything.


So this is your boundary. How do you propose to enforce it? You need to do that, so think about where it stands in importance. One reasonable act would be divorce. Many view one on one like that to be cheating. 

If you are not ready for divorce, figure out what you are going to do (or not do) and sit him down and tell him. Make clear that his continuing this behavior hurts you and the marriage. Because of his choices, you need to protect yourself. Perhaps asking him to move to the guest room. Start detaching and make him start taking care of himself. Show him what he will be losing.

I am sorry you are in the position, but you need to enforce your boundaries. As things stand, he is trying to run over you.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks Tall Average Guy, I do tend to run around after him, my own fault really, I thought that's what wives should do, but since the new year he makes his own dinner pack up for work every day.

I will have to do more as I'm doing no good how I am , I'm making myself a prisoner in my home when I'm not at work, worrying about what he might be doing at home if I'm not there. 

Crazy, I know.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If you are very distressed about this you very well may have to insist on MC, and if he won't..... then ask him to move out for awhile to re-evaluate whether you can be happy under these living conditions. 

Nothing changes until something changes. 

He may be a good guy but you have right to be happy and fulfilled.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks indiecat I will have to get forthright and stand my ground.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

What is your goal OP?

Return to sex
Stopping porn
More transparency
More emotionally connected

What?

That's the first step is identifying the goal.

Once you set that then you can plan a strategy.

For instance... My goal

*A new sex life including regular,varied and wanted sex with a new mutual shared responsibility for sex.*

Every day for over four years if that goal was not achieved I had more work to do. So did my wife.

I did not care how long it took as long as my goal is achieved and along the way rejected anything less. That guided my actions and I will be successful.

So state your goal in ONE sentence.

Be prepared for failure prior to success..it does take time to affect real change.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Hi Trying2figureitout, 

A new sex life including regular,varied and wanted sex with a new mutual shared responsibility for sex. That pretty much sums it up!

The four things you listed, I want. Maybe it is asking too much, do I lay my cards on the table. Anything I say he agrees with but doesn't follow it up, it's as if he agrees to shut me up. I cannot get him to act on anything.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rosey said:


> Maybe it is asking too much, do I lay my cards on the table. Anything I say he agrees with but doesn't follow it up, it's as if he agrees to shut me up. I cannot get him to act on anything.


No, you cannot get him to act on anything. You have no control over what he chooses to do, or not do (in this case).

Do you see the pattern? You make your demands clear. He agrees to shut you up. He doesn't change. You don't change.

Only YOU can change. Right now, you are choosing to remain in this stalemate. It stinks, sure. But you aren't rocking the boat. You are miserable because you won't lay down AND enforce a boundary.

You won't do it. He knows you won't do it.

So you go another round.

Until you are brave enough to issue a boundary with a firm ultimatum - and stick to it - this will be the status quo.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ill look this up later. (Tag)
Are those the exact words?


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Yep I think that's it, Prodigal, I moan about it but not brave enough to have the courage of my convictions. Thanks, not sure what to do, not brave enough yet.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Rosey said:


> Hi Trying2figureitout,
> 
> A new sex life including regular,varied and wanted sex with a new mutual shared responsibility for sex. That pretty much sums it up!
> 
> The four things you listed, I want. Maybe it is asking too much, do I lay my cards on the table. Anything I say he agrees with but doesn't follow it up, it's as if he agrees to shut me up. I cannot get him to act on anything.



Now the next step is to take care of your side of the street...

What has he mentioned or complained about concerning YOU?


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks WL


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

He doesn't say much, he thinks relationships should just come naturally no need to go over arguments etc. He won't thrash things out with me, I'm beginning to think I don't know the guy I married. There's a lot of history from both of us swept under the carpet never to be got again.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Rosey said:


> , I'm beginning to think I don't know the guy I married. *There's a lot of history from both of us swept under the carpet never to be got again.*


Do you think this^^^ might be causing the lack of intimacy between both of you and feeding his porn usage or do you think his porn usage is making things bad between both of you?

What I meant by the last sentence was , do you think he has a fear of intimacy with you and the porn is filling that void?

Is there room for compromise , or are you opposed to porn on spiritual and moral grounds?


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Years ago we did watch some porn together but I think I outgrew it and thought he had too, but as you mentioned earlier the one to one is more than just porn, I think.
And yes, we have never really discussed important stuff just forgot about it and I think since I've been on the menopause then finding about the web sites it made me feel old and bad, unwanted and nobody. My feelings are up and down, one minute I'm ok then I'm not, but I'm on anti depressants because of it or because maybe I've ignored it hoping it will go away but it doesn't . Trust gas gone out the window, it's as if I'm waiting for something really bad that I can't cope with to happen to make a decision.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rosey said:


> Anything I say he agrees with but doesn't follow it up, it's as if he agrees to shut me up. I cannot get him to act on anything.


Are you sure the countdown has to do with porn? No matter, I guess, but I will respond to this comment I quoted... 

Sometimes men turn to porn because it's a way to enjoy sex without having to feel responsible for their partner. If your guy's doing this AND neglecting your sex life, too, then it's possible he feels inadequate and insecure about his abilities. (I can also picture a possibility that the whole lockdown thing could be related to this, but that's not clear to me.)

Your attitude and approval can play an important role in how this gets resolved.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Hi Kathy, I never thought about it like that but he keeps his cards close to his chest so I don't know what he thinks.

When I had been given anti depressants at the docs he gave me an extra form to give my husband based on what I had said to him, suggesting he may have some depression. I showed my h the form, not straight away, saying I had to answer these questions at the docs and he diagnosed me with stress/depression as most my answers were yes.

He glanced at the form and said most his was yes too. I asked if he was going to go see the doc but he said no.

I do think he loves me as much as he can love a person, I don't think he's attracted to me anymore and that's were I'm at. Is it enough? It was until I started the menopause and realised my life is flying by I don't want to just put up. We haven't got children so it's just us.

When he speaks it's always 'I' not we which hurts.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm married to someone like your husband. I haven't lived with him for almost five years, but we're still legally married.

Was it a marriage in the real sense of the world? No. My husband, too, held his cards close to his chest.

Arguments and anger were taboo. He said whatever he needed to in order to keep me out of his face and off his back. He basically operated that way with everyone else too.

I found my husband to be somewhat paranoid, insecure, and completely lacking the tools needed to forge an intimate relationship. 

We lived together. We had discussions about politics, the weather, the state of the economy, gun control, abortion, you name it.

But we never discussed emotionally-laden issues regarding our marriage. Never. 

I was married alone. And being married alone is one helluva lot worse than actually being alone.

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave. Or you'll suck it up and live with it. Because, from my own experience, I don't think your husband will change. Sad, but true.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Yes, that's it, Prodigal. He is like it with his mum too, tells her nothing if she asks a question he doesn't want to answer.

It's sad really but that's just what we are like. Such is life.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ok.

I think I'm getting a clearer view, and I agree with Kathy when she says that your attitude and approval can play an important role in how this gets resolved.

So there are a few issues here , one of them being your hormonal changes due to menopause and your increased need for intimacy.
Another one that feeding that problem is your insecurity due his lack of affection and the fact that he relies heavily on the webcam girls for sexual relief.

My wife and I also used porn in the early days of our marriage but we both outgrew it, she faster than me and there were minor problems, but we solved it together.

I have never done the webcam girls thingy, but I suppose that it operates on a fantasy [ all porn does], and that fantasy might be the viewer telling the girl to strip and do sexual stuff. Kinda like the peep show from back in the days before interactive porn.

How was your sexlife before the menopause and increased drive?
You mentioned earlier that he has always used porn during the marriage, did it always affect intimacy with you?
Was the sex normal between both of you although he used the porn?

I understand the your feeling of life passing by and your deep intimacy needs not being met by your partner. I am wondering if it is possible that he feels the same way too?
Or is he the kind that is a bit emotionally shut off?
I think that he has to be willing to own his part of the problem. I think he has deeper problems but he's compensating with the porn .
I also think that if he isn't contacting those girls yet , in real life , then both of you can work on the problem.

The question is how to do that.

I think that discovering what is possible always start with a conversation. You said that he is a good person , and that he loves you. 
Do you think that you can get him to sit and talk about it with you?

Do you think that he would agree to spend a weekend away from home , no tablets or iphones allowed, just both of you reconnecting emotionally and sexually with each other?
Both of you talking about your cares and fears , expressing freely how you feel in a non judgmental way , and him being allowed to express how he feels in the same non judgmental way?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave. Or you'll suck it up and live with it. Because, from my own experience, I don't think your husband will change. Sad, but true.


I think I agree with this.
I don't think in her case that it has reached the critical mass as yet.

Do you think that maybe they should spend some time apart for him to figure out if he wants to work on the relationship or continue medicating himself with the porn?

Maybe then the reality might hit him?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Caribbean Man, I agree w/you. I don't think this situation has reached critical mass.

But I don't know if it ever will get to that stage.

Sounds like hubs is inertia personified. I doubt he'll get help. If he's anything like my husband, he probably has a detached streak in his personality makeup that is strong enough to keep him from feeling any tremendous loss if his wife walks.

I am only speculating here based on my own experience. I know I HAD to get the fug out of my living situation because I was losing my mind.

From the three years I've been on TAM, I've read plenty of posts on here regarding people who hang in there for years. Miserable, yes. But they seem to be operating from the stance that it's better to live with the devil you know than the devil you don't.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Caribbean Man, I agree w/you. I don't think this situation has reached critical mass.
> 
> But I don't know if it ever will get to that stage.
> 
> ...


Its better to get the devil to become a better spouse that you can accept and thrive with in every facet..that takes time and people want a quick fix..it doesn't work that way at all if you think all of the sudden they will turn into that spouse but over time anything is possible. For me it took 4 years and 3 months to get my spouse there. Now we can both breath a sigh of relief...and enjoy each other.

Remember every journey begins with one step..and some are long reinventing your spouse and correcting dynamics is one of them.

Having a goal and never losing site while taking care of your side of the street can work wonders over time. The time it takes is brutal but you have to ask yourself is your spouse worth it?


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Hi Caribbean Man, I think he is emotionally shut off , we went on holiday last September for a week and the place had to have wifi because of the internet game he plays with lots of fellows in the world, so I can't see him leaving his iPhone or iPad at home, no. He hardly looks up from it every evening, while he's gaming.

I hardly get a glance. But if you can't beat em join em, and I joined the game but not as dedicated as he is. Just wanted to know what the big deal was.

Prodigal, all the years we have been married I have never seen him cry. I have seen him hurt when he had to have his dog put to sleep, but he can detach himself so no one would know ie at work if he had a problem. He keeps it to himself, or so I thought but it may be inertia personified, as you say.

Speaking like this I feel very disloyal to him even thought I cannot get anywhere with him.

Thanks Trying2figureitout, I don't mind how long it takes if I can have a goal and a purpose but I'm just drifting from one emotion to the next and it drives me mad some days.

I love him, I know I need to take care of me and I just want us to be closer and no secret porn when I'm out the door.

Caribbean Man, I was always told by my mum to not tell men everything about you, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing and keep your cards close to your chest, so I guess I had relationship issues a lot of my life.

I just seem to have noticed it in the last few years. Sex was fine between us, I thought, but he could be aloof and not very loving sex wise. We had sex a few months ago and I told him at a later date when I found he was still visiting the porn sites that I felt like one of his online women, the way he treat me.

He stayed on the sofa all night until I woke him and told him to come to bed. It was never mentioned again, though I know I hurt him saying that, as he shrugged my hand off him like I was filth.

Thanks for all your input and help.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rosey said:


> I hardly get a glance. But if you can't beat em join em, and I joined the game but not as dedicated as he is. Just wanted to know what the big deal was.
> 
> Prodigal, all the years we have been married I have never seen him cry. I have seen him hurt when he had to have his dog put to sleep, but he can detach himself so no one would know ie at work if he had a problem. He keeps it to himself, or so I thought but it may be inertia personified, as you say.
> 
> Speaking like this I feel very disloyal to him even thought I cannot get anywhere with him.


I don't think you are being disloyal. But you do sound miserably unhappy but unwilling to take a stand to change things.

That being said, I suggest you just remain with what is. Accept it. We end up being our own worst enemy and victimizing ourselves when we get into that "WHAT IF" mindset. What if he gets counseling? What if he starts sharing a bit emotionally? 

I think you are living with a case of what-you-see-is-what-you-get.

Rather than focusing on his issues, it may be far better (and healthier) for you to focus on yours. I get the feeling you are willing to stay. That is fine. Your life. Your choice.

I think the key is unlocking the mystery as to why you are staying. Because you are getting something out of this situation. Even if it is miserable. There is some sort of pay-off for you to remain stuck.

Consider investigating what's going on inside of you. It's a painful process, but ultimately liberating. You may find you will be able to lay down a firm boundary and/or leave when you discover the answers.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rosey said:


> I do think he loves me as much as he can love a person, I don't think he's attracted to me anymore and that's were I'm at. Is it enough? It was until I started the menopause and realised my life is flying by I don't want to just put up. We haven't got children so it's just us.
> 
> When he speaks it's always 'I' not we which hurts.


This triggers a few thoughts for me. 

"Is it enough?" The short answer is "It's plenty if you think it is, and it's not enough if you think it isn't." I had a sexless marriage for about six years, and still was generally happy with my marriage, but someone else might find feel miserable over it. 

Another thought I had while reading this is that the brain is our most important sex organ. You say he's not attracted to you, but you don't mention if something about you has changed, or what he found attractive in the first place. Similarly, you don't mention if the "I" vs "we" thing is a new development or if it has always been that way. 

People who are committed and see themselves as part of a couple often do have a subconscious thing that results in saying "we" instead of saying "I." I sometimes tell people in new relationships to evaluate how their partner speaks in terms of we or I to get an idea of how their new love is thinking of things. At the same time, though, it's sometimes the case that people have learned not to "speak for someone else." I use "we" rarely, for instance, because I don't want my husband thinking I'm running the show or making assumptions about how he feels. I have to catch myself and say, "Oh, I mean 'we'" often so he doesn't feel hurt. 

But assuming your guy isn't trained to avoid "we," it sounds like you two need to rebuild your connection emotionally before you'll make any other progress. To do that, you have to be the "safe" person he can confide in without fear that he'll hurt your feelings, make you angry, or that you'll criticize him. He needs to feel like you are his biggest cheerleader and best friend. While YOU know you are these things, does HE see it that way? If not, what could you do so he could see that about you?

Final thought: "Emotionally shut off" doesn't exist for most people. "Emotionally not sharing" does, but I've found that those who don't voice their emotions still feel them as deeply as the rest of us.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Rosey said:


> Hi Caribbean Man, I think he is emotionally shut off , we went on holiday last September for a week and the place had to have wifi because of the internet game he plays with lots of fellows in the world, so I can't see him leaving his iPhone or iPad at home, no. He hardly looks up from it every evening, while he's gaming.
> 
> I hardly get a glance. But if you can't beat em join em, and I joined the game but not as dedicated as he is. Just wanted to know what the big deal was.
> 
> ...


OP.. It is an emotional coaster but the longer you go it does ease up and you find yourself strangely at peace. You realize its not you and you wait.... I will have a whole thread in a while on my process after i can be sure it worked.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Rosey said:


> Hi Caribbean Man, I think he is emotionally shut off , we went on holiday last September for a week and the place had to have wifi because of the internet game he plays with lots of fellows in the world, so I can't see him leaving his iPhone or iPad at home, no. He hardly looks up from it every evening, while he's gaming.
> 
> I hardly get a glance. But if you can't beat em join em, and I joined the game but not as dedicated as he is. Just wanted to know what the big deal was.
> 
> ...


You know, I see a lot of my own behavior in your description of your husband's reactions. 

I can't possibly deduce who he is, or what he wants. But if he's anything like me... Well, let me explain a little how I got there. 

When I was born, I was 10 years the junior of my older brother and 15 years of my oldest brother. I was in early grade school while my parents dealt with a difficult son - my older brother. Dad insisted that he control his actions - or he leave. 

So I learned. "Don't cross the parents". I wasn't like my brother. We vaguely look alike, but quite different personalities. Still, since my parents thought I was like him, they "locked me down", meaning they made absolutely sure I wouldn't do anything my brother did. Nor make the mistakes he did. Plainly, they ran my life, down to the tiniest detail. Until I was 23. That's when I got married. I learned never to let them know what my plans were, what I wanted, or what I thought. That way I didn't have to defend myself, nor experience their rejection or have conflicts with them imposing their control over my choices, actions, or wants.

At 23, I got married. 4 months later, my Dad died suddenly. 

My wife was very supportive and I was open with her. But, then, life struck. It always does. There's always a crisis, always trouble, always difficulties. These WILL HAPPEN in life, no matter who you are or how smart and skilled you may be. And the moment she lashed out at me for whatever it was we had a conflict over, I shut down. More and more and more as time went by. She came at me over that, and I continued to shield myself, deflect, defuse, or just appear to comply to end the unbearable conflict. To avoid all the painful issues, I never spoke of anything important. That way they couldn't be used against me or cause pain. 

When my wife has difficulties or or there's some issue, she comes straight at it. And I shield myself. Every time. Eventually, it gets old. I'm tired of being alone. An emotional iceberg. But sex... that requires intimacy, and intimacy is a risk - and I am risk avoidant. You see, I have no emotional strength. I simply cannot bear to have her angry and lashing out at me. I'd rather die. I gave her my unconditional love and she returned it by hurting me. Not intentionally, of course. Probably not even knowingly. Just the course of dealing with life's conflicts. Sex requires intimacy, and intimacy is an emotional risk.

I, however, don't talk back. All my life, the person you love, you do not speak crossly to. You do not hurt. You never say an unkind word to. You never badger them to get your way. You do not manipulate. You don't take your frustrations out on them. 

But she did all those things, because that's what most people do, in moments when the stresses of life override your normal level of respect and civility and when hormones and children and medical issues and physical pain wear you down. 

So, the wife and I reached that point where we were going to call it quits. But not because I wanted to, just that I could find no way to mollify her demands on my behavior. 

What's porn have to do with it? Almost nothing. Only in that she used it as a battering club to try to smash me into behaving the way she wanted me to. 

And I still can't tell her this. When my work became so stressful I became physically ill, I had to try to hide it from her, because she would create more drama - trying to tell me how to deal with it. And getting mad because I just can't talk to her when I'm shut down and I shut down because she's mad. It's impossible for us communicate in this mode. I suffered horrible depression and anger and all she could say was "you can't blame things on it, get your act together". 

Yeah. I can't tell her any of this, either. I still haven't. I've learned that if I open up and tell her what goes on inside, she gets angry and lashes out at me - and does every kind of emotional blackmail to get the behavior she wants me to have. 

Sex is so emotionally loaded and there's so much tension over it and porn accusations and anything else sexual, that I'm a wreck. Emotional wrecks whose minds are inundated with negative things don't have good sex. Hell, it was months after we agreed to recommit and forgive and forget before I could even get an erection. It was just too scary. And I was so afraid of disappointing her, that was all I could feel. 

And then, in the middle of intimacy, she got angry and started screaming and balling crying about how it was so unfulfilling and she was doomed to forever live unhappy because she wants X and I don't provide it. 

yeah, that's helpful. Great sex? Hasn't happened since then. When I'm stressed or tired, I won't risk it. I'm not going through another of those painful episodes again.

If he's anything at all like me, the more you demand and the more you poke and prod and push, the less you will accomplish. I don't open up unless it's safe. What's safe? Nobody I care deeply about will use my faults to hurt me. That's safe. I can't open to my wife. It will only result in hurting more and I can't, despite trying desperately, ever work this out or even talk to her about it. I have no idea of the countless hours of sleepless nights I have tried to find the words I could bring myself to say that would let her know what I need her to do, so we can communicate. 

I know that if I tell her any of this, she'll get angry accuse me of not trusting her and that I've just being an unfaithful and insulting jerk to suggest she's ever hurt me. So what are my options? 

I think you're in a lot of the same place my wife is. If I had the answer, I'd tell you. I don't. I'm 27 (almost 28) years of being married and I can't tell my wife what I feel inside. And it is an unbearable agony. 

So, at times, I have indulged in a fantasy, to not feel the pain and to solve that nagging urge to get off. 

As I said. Porn has pretty much nothing to do with it, as porn goes. It's just one of those things, like foods, hobbies, writing, forums, anything that gets the pain away for a little bit.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Final thought: "Emotionally shut off" doesn't exist for most people. "Emotionally not sharing" does, but I've found that those who don't voice their emotions still feel them as deeply as the rest of us.


I agree with you Kathy ... to a point. However, in the case of addicts (be it porn, gaming, snorting, smoking, drinking, etc.), I believe they learn to anaesthetize and ameliorate those feelings. Totally? No. Enough to avoid them or do nothing more than flog themselves when they start to feel them? Yeah. Absolutely.

Given enough time and practice, I believe a person can learn to not feel much of anything too deeply. Those feelings will pop up in inappropriate and unexpected ways, but they will mash them back down.

Perhaps Rosey's husband has learned to numb himself up with what appears to be a porn addiction. It's an avoidant, impersonal "hobby" just as all addictions.

The issue is, do you think Rosey can shake her husband loose from this? After all, he owns it; not her. 

His supporter/cheerleader? I dunno ... it sounds like Rosey feels pretty defeated and rather alienated from hubs. Not to mention, p!ssed as all get out. Might be difficult to rally the troops behind a man who passively agrees and continues to pursue his "hobby."


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks for your replies.

oldgeezer, my h has an older brother by 5 years. He has always done what he wanted from an early age, his mum couldn't rule him, not that he was a trouble causer, just did what he wanted. I think I was quite demanding and bossy and took over in our early years of marriage(21 years) but I have mellowed with time.

I have probably caused how he is to me, not that he's a bad man, I didn't want to be a clingy wife, what he wanted he did. Fishing every weekend, a week abroad fishing to Spain with one or two of his fishing pals. I used to go visit my parents and friends on Saturday then be busy at home rest of weekend housework. I did try a week fishing with him but it wasn't for me. I stayed in the villa all day while he went fishing for a few days but I think he felt obliged to be with me.

I know if I question my h I get nowhere, he has to open up to me, if that is ever possible. I know when I'm funny and lighthearted he likes it and reverts to my nicknames he calls me. As I mentioned earlier, I think he loves me as much as he can love a person, but since the change and obviously my brain and needs seem to be changing too, I don't know if it's enough.

My pal, whom I don't see much nowadays but knows me very well says life's like that as we get older just take it as said that he cares and get on with it. Alas, I feel like I sound like a spoilt child wanting all my own way. I don't , but I do want a quality marriage, not to boast on Facebook, but just for me, for us.

Prodigal, you know, if we were both having a sexless marriage, then hey ok. I mentioned to him I have needs how would he feel if I went on and had one of these men, he said fine as long as I'm not paying for it. I really can't think he wouldn't care if I went on them sites on my own with a view to looking for a big strapping man to 'talk' to me.
But I think you're right about feelings, after a time you can learn not to feel, become aneithetised just, sometimes it rears it head and I kick off, more inside than outside.

I send him a text occasionally or say what I feel and he agrees. I think things will change from then but hey presto, everything is just the same.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rosey said:


> Thanks for your replies.
> 
> But I think you're right about feelings, after a time you can learn not to feel, become aneithetised just, sometimes it rears it head and I kick off, more inside than outside.
> 
> I send him a text occasionally or say what I feel and he agrees. I think things will change from then but hey presto, everything is just the same.


1. I agree with Prodigal that some people numb their feelings, but I don't think this is the case here. Denying, yes, but numb? Nope. They both have those feelings, and might be able to hide them, but they are most definitely there! 

2. Rosey, talking at him won't change a thing. If you want the relationship to change, you will have to SHOW him the lessons he needs to learn. If that means you want him to be attracted to you instead of porn, you make sure you look good and have interesting stuff to talk to him about and show enthusiasm - you know, all those things that make a man look at a woman twice. And when OTHER men are doing those double takes, your guy will notice if he hasn't caught on long before then.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

Hi Kathy, I've been doing that for months unfortunately, not slobbing about in jeans and t shirt wearing nice underwear and clothes, we have had sex, very occasionally but there's something missing. So it may be me!

I get dressed up when we go out and at Christmas we went to his Christmas meal get together with his work colleagues. I know I looked good and said 'would I do' he replied you always look good when you go out.

I've always analysed everything when I'm stressed and don't enjoy the moment. It's maybe me I should work on. I'm on anti depressants, I was in councelling but she says mine is marital and to go see a marriage councillor, I've had councelling with relate by email and downloaded Lee book save the marriage. I have had self help books left right and centre, oh and hypnotherapy. What now, start living? 
I've got to go to work now it 07.10 am Monday morning. Thanks for your message.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sure he wasn't playing metriod or batman ark ham lockdown on his phone?

Not that he may not have a porn issue...but just saying...

The porn thing is its own beast....


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Sure he wasn't playing metriod or batman ark ham lockdown on his phone?
> 
> Not that he may not have a porn issue...but just saying...
> 
> The porn thing is its own beast....


Hi Alpha he may haven playing some game. I asked him, while I was on my iPad does he know what total lockdown is. He said in whT respect I said I didn't know it had just come up on Facebook then I couldn't find it so looked on net for more info. It looks like games or security of some sort
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Hi

This is an interesting thread. I was wondering how old your husband is and how many years are you married? I seem to be getting a vague impression that he might be a little younger than your good self? 

I agree with others who provided great support and advice. It's not much of a marriage. Question would be what else has he been doing as one poster had implied. These cam girls are available for "real" time for fees. If he is such a dedicated follower of internet porn then chances are that he's been spending his time and a lot more to fund his "hobby"..

One poster asked if you have looked at his credit card spending. Do you have any access at all? Do you have a joint account, solo checking account etc? Have you asked him if he's seeing any of these girls? I hate to say this but if he's sleeping around then it's a good job that you are not intimate with him. You never know how unsafe it is. It really is such a horrible situation to be in for anyone. Personally, I cannot live with someone who's indulged in porn whilst married. These two things won't work together, unfortunately..


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

poppyseed said:


> Hi
> 
> This is an interesting thread. I was wondering how old your husband is and how many years are you married? I seem to be getting a vague impression that he might be a little younger than your good self?
> 
> ...


Hi Poppyseed he is a few months older than me and we've been married 21 years. I opened his bill last time and all was ok. But I have seen iTunes bills on it which I know he uses for his gaming hobby. Not sure if he is sleeping around I don't know when he would get the chance. I really think he would go if he had someone unless they're call girls. I can account for most his time the last six years or so when he stopped fishing as the pond he went to got too expensive. I can vouch for that. If I caught him on a cam web site it would be the end for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rosey said:


> I know I looked good and said 'would I do' he replied you always look good when you go out.
> 
> *Could you use your "going out" standards for how you look every day? *
> 
> ...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Rosey

I can find no reference to that quote total lockdown 10 9 8 7 etc

It may be game, not porn related. 

in fact when I google those words, this thread is hit #1.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Rosey
> 
> I can find no reference to that quote total lockdown 10 9 8 7 etc
> 
> ...


Thanks WL I thought it was something hidden on his phone or iPad but that's me being paranoid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Rosey, Shot in the dark. My daughter uses an app called SelfControl on her iphone/computer which allows the user to choose sites that they don't want to visit during a period of time that the user specifies. She uses it a lot when she studies. She will block all her social media, texts and other sites that she can't resist when she is studying. The app locks down the user from accessing any of the chosen sites until the time chosen has expired (I think it's anywhere from 15 minutes to 24 hours). There is nothing she can do to unlock these sites until the timer has counted down. Even ending and restarting her devices does not work. I have no idea how it works or if it gives a countdown before the sites are locked but thought I would throw it out there as a possibility. Good luck and best wishes to you.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

;7436162 said:


> Rosey, Shot in the dark. My daughter uses an app called SelfControl on her iphone/computer which allows the user to choose sites that they don't want to visit during a period of time that the user specifies. She uses it a lot when she studies. She will block all her social media, texts and other sites that she can't resist when she is studying. The app locks down the user from accessing any of the chosen sites until the time chosen has expired (I think it's anywhere from 15 minutes to 24 hours). There is nothing she can do to unlock these sites until the timer has counted down. Even ending and restarting her devices does not work. I have no idea how it works or if it gives a countdown before the sites are locked but thought I would throw it out there as a possibility. Good luck and best wishes to you.


Hi favoritemistake thanks I will have a look on the net
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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