# Confessed to my husband



## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

I had an affair and confessed to my husband last night. He choked me, pushed me, broke things, ran his hand in the wall....called me everything he could think of, said he could never touch me again and that I was disgusting and vile.

This morning he says he forgives me wants to work things out, thinks if we have more sex for awhile that it will make it better and loves me wants to be with me. And that he only said those things to hurt me the way he was hurting.....please I need some advice, I am really worried about how this could be normal. Thanks.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

His range of emotions seems normal. I know I'd WANT to do all those things he did if I were in his shoes. I wouldn't actually do the physical violence part though.

I don't want to lay a guilt trip on you, but...... have you ever loved someone and been cheated on? That is an incredibly emotionally devistating thing.

When my first husband cheated on me the first time, I remember one minute I wouldn't want him to touch me, even wanting to spit on him out of disgust (I didn't). Then a few minutes later, just wanting to hold him and not let him go. Back and forth, back and forth.

If you are wanting to work this out, it's going to be tough! It is not just get it out, confess, get forgiven, and it's done. You have violated trust, and that is hard to get back. He's probably going to go through a range of emotions and you'll have to just suck it up and take the humbling that you're in for.

Anyhow, yeah, I think it is pretty normal. Good luck to you.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Just goes to show how stupid it is to confess an affair...

Sorry that he was violent with you...sex is not the answer, but getting out of a violent situation is...

Preacher


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sunnyday7 said:


> I had an affair and confessed to my husband last night. He choked me, pushed me, broke things, ran his hand in the wall....called me everything he could think of, said he could never touch me again and that I was disgusting and vile.
> 
> This morning he says he forgives me wants to work things out, thinks if we have more sex for awhile that it will make it better and loves me wants to be with me. And that he only said those things to hurt me the way he was hurting.....please I need some advice, I am really worried about how this could be normal. Thanks.


You need to confront him on his behavior. but confront him in public. you better believe this isnt the last of his fits. 

He's hurt, but now he's really hurt you, too. that's going to be really hard to work through. He's not going to want to apologize for what he did, but i hope you know that no matter what you did, he needs to also be accountable for his behavior. You deserve an apology and some evidence from him that he wont do that again (anger management, therapy, something). I hope you let him know it.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Thanks for your advice...I guess his reaction just startled me a little because it was so extreme in both ways. It was erractic and I do understand his feelings, I was just concerned for my physical safety.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Blanca said:


> You need to confront him on his behavior. but confront him in public. you better believe this isnt the last of his fits.
> 
> He's hurt, but now he's really hurt you, too. that's going to be really hard to work through. He's not going to want to apologize for what he did, but i hope you know that no matter what you did, he needs to also be accountable for his behavior. You deserve an apology and some evidence from him that he wont do that again (anger management, therapy, something). I hope you let him know it.



:scratchhead:

she did the worst possible thing she could do and he got as pizzed off as most other men would (or women), and he needs to apologize???


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I disagree. He doesn't owe you anything. Yes, it was wrong to lay a hand on you in anger, but if he's past that now then you need to move on too.

This is going to be a very long road for you and putting blame on him for anything is not going to heal the wound.

If you fear violence could happen again then you need to just move out now.

I also disagree with "Just goes to show how stupid it is to confess an affair..." It was certainly eating you up inside and was a problem in the marriage even though your husband didn't know. I'll bet he suspected something was wrong.

Good luck with the healing.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Yea Sven he did suspect something was up. He told me he knew all along. The only thing that worries me is he has always been a little controlling and now I am afraid he will use this incident to rein over me again. He already said he thought it was a good idea if I dont go out with my friends for at least 6 months or until he feels better. I am a little worried too over the fact that he has been violent whats to stop him from being violent again.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Sunny,

The volence is unacceptable, if one needs a payback it is done other ways.

The instant lovemaking can be "hate sex" which is britual and very one sided (my reaction upon discovery).

Now based on your post, you already know the future. The control factor is normal, there will be no more going out for "girly nights". It going to be your responsibility to become totally transparent and accountable for whereabouts.

But again based on your post, you know a brick wall is comning.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

VP is correct - you cannot expect to avoid a leash on your activities. Rebuild trust is going to take a very long time. Hey, you did this....suck it up and save the marriage.

The best thing you can do, and believe me this is coming from experience, is be brutally honest about everything. Answer all questions. Leave nothing 'unsaid'. Make sure he has no doubts about anything.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I would not take it out on my wife.......

I do not trust easily,I NEVER trust ANYONE but my mother 100%
My wife I trust alot,but I have been hurt in the past and I try to be careful.If you stick your head in the sand,you get caught unawares.

How are men/women supposed to react to knowing or finding out that another man/woman has swapped bodily fluids with their Husband/Wife?
I would pop my cork.......
If any,ANY excuse was justified for being violent in a marriage it would be because of cheating. 
I do not agree with hitting a woman or man that you are married to,however what I am trying to say if there was even remotely a justified excuse this would be as close to it as it gets.This is the most raw emotional wreck one can have to go through.

@sunnyday7-You will have to rebuild his trust,also realize,it may never be the same way it was ever again.You need to start marriage therapy immediately,if you want to save your marriage. 
He will need to work on his controlling nature,which has now been justified by you doing what you did (In his minds eye).
You will need to be transparent in ALL THINGS to help rebuild trust.

Also you need to address the issues as to WHY you cheated.
Was it Sex?Emotional closeness?Him being over controlling and you wanting to get away with something that he could not control?i.e.-feeling smothered?
These are tuff questions and you will probably need to find the answers to them to avoid a repeat if you want it to work.

You can rebuild your relationship.
Best of luck to you and your husband.


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

I am so sorry you had to go thru that. It takes A LOT to confess, Ive been there before. It took me about a year and a half to tell my DH I cheated on him and I only told him because he told me about a bunch of his personal secrets (nothing like mine of course) After I told him he was crushed but just sat there, then I told him about his friend talkin sh*t on him and BAM he went nuts-went over to this guys house (at 1am monday morning too) took all this tools.cds.ect that this guy borrowed and took ALL his anger about me cheating out on this poor (ex)friend.

So I would think you DH would have a TON of anger but still no need for choking... I too would be worried about future physical fights... But I understand his need for wanting you to not go out with your friends for awhile, youve lost his trust. That is a big part of a marriage and it will take time to heal his wounds, gain some trust back and try to come out stronger because of this. Give him time, lots of time. But you should not have to be scared for your life, worried about him hitting your again ect.. Do you have a safe place you could go just in case that would happen again? Keep a back up plan for if crap hits the fan again. I wish you the best of luck!


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Again I must post.

If such an incident was to occur, give a no contest divorce.

Have a backdoor plan, and amicable divorce ready.

Its fair, neat and most important clean.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

It took me about a year and half to confess as well...He said that it would make it easier on him to let me go if I confessed if I did something, because he thought I had anyway in his mind. So i did in hopes that it would be easier for both of us to leave after that and because we could not have a marriage if I was carrying around this guilt, I wouldnt let myself enjoy a marriage with someone that didnt know the truth about me.. 

Yeah him being so controlling and his online sexual activity kind of pulled me away from him. He has been overly nice and wanting to work on things with me. I keep looking for signs that he is not being sincere, but he really seems to be wanting to try 

He says that he knows a lot of the things that he has done has drove me to doing this and that he is committed to changing and being a good husband. I am really excited at thinking that this might actually work out! I keep thinking skeptically because I wonder if he is just trying to reel me in so he can gain control again. But anyways I will try to be accepting and hope things will work out for the best....thank you all for you wonderful feedback


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I have two young girls and the rule I've always given them is that A MAN SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN.

I don't know what you guys should do next - but I don't think sex is the answer. I'm thinking separate beds and marriage therapy.


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## MentalInstructor (Dec 1, 2009)

Cause and Effect! You cheated and he choked you. You should never cheated on him but he should never hit you either.


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## dan681 (Nov 24, 2009)

I am in a similiar situation as your husband. My wife just recently confessed to an affair, and let me tell you the range of emotions that goes thru your head is so confusing. I never wanted to hit my wife, but I was very mixed up. This is betrayal on your part. You betrayed his trust. My wife did the same. She then decided to try and blame me for her indiscretions?? I would say to try some counseling, it has helped me alot, even though my wife sometimes feels like shes being attacked by the counseler. The counseler is just trying to get her to accept responsibility for her actions. This is not an easy road, but you made your bed, now you have to lie in it. If you really want to make the marriage work, you need to accept responsibility for what you did, and understand how badly you hurt your husband. Tell him this ever day, and how much you love him and want to be with him. Be open with him, even if the questions he asks hurt, it will help both of you heal!! I know this makes you hurt inside, but dont forget about his feelings!! I sometimes feel abandoned!! I like to hear from my wife often, and hear that she loves me. I need the affection, the reassurance, and I hope this will lead to trust. Good luck to both of you!!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I am completely against physical violence, no matter who is hitting who. I think the fact that he hit you is totally wrong. I think that you cheating on him is totally wrong. 

If you two want to work this out, then you both need to communicate and really WORK on this relationship.

You worry that he may hit you again. Maybe he worries that you'll cheat on him again. If you both are just sitting there waiting for the other to mess us, instead of using that time to strengthen your relationship, you don't have a very good chance on succeeding.

Just my opinion.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Uhm...normal reaction to betrayal. He put all his faith in you and you threw it down the toilet. It's more than normal for him to get angry. Yes, you were scared of his reaction. Well, he was beyond scared (try traumatized, world falling down on his head) to hear you cheated. Since he calmed down and you're not working at it, i don't really see the problem. 

For all the people who say admitting an affair is a bad idea keep in mind that it's not the other person's feelings you're thinking about. If that were the case and you wanted to protect them...you wouldn't have cheated. It's as simple as that. An affair may happen in a bad moment in life, marriage etc. Keeping the secret of an affair will keep you emotionally detached from your SO (doesn't matter if you love them, want to work things out etc). That's the way the human mind works, when you keep a secret of such importance you always unconsciously keep enough distance from that person. Otherwise, the guild kills you. When you're not emotionally close to a person there is no guilt  That's as much for people who claim 'what they don't know won't hurt them'. It's a basic law of life, we feel closest to the ones we keep the least secrets from.

So, in the end it's good that you told him. Scarletblue made an excelent point. Why not just think 'k, if i never cheat again, he'll never be so agressive again'? This works perfectly, unless you plan on cheating again, that is.


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## jason (Dec 12, 2009)

Look, I caught my wife cheating. I saw her kissing a guy in his car in our driveway while I was walking home. I confronted her about it and kept cool for the entire night. However I couldn't get any sleep after she told me she thinks she's in love with him, even though their relationship was only about a couple of weeks old and allegedly she hadn't slept with him yet. 

After a night with no sleep I lost it when she woke up. All the calm from the night before had turned into rage because I felt betrayed. I punched the tv and broke it, $1500 down the drain. I literally felt like killing them both. But even so, I managed to breathe in breathe out and not hit her. I left home that day and never returned. Now I feel awful and wish I hadn't done that. Forgive your husband. He was overwhelmed with rage and probably really really regrets it. You probably regret the affair, he regrets his reaction. Talk. Work it out. It's almost always worth it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I would never put up with physical violence. Touch me in anger one time and we'd be done. I sure hope you don't have any kids who heard or saw this--completely traumatizing. And now, how can you ever trust HIM? What's to keep him from choking you again, or threatening it? I don't blame you for fearing for your safety. IMO, his behavior was unforgivable. There was a reason your marriage broke down, and he's part of that. Your behavior did not threaten his life or physical safety, although it was completely wrong and he does not have to forgive you, either. But he crossed a line in his response. 

Will you be able to trust him again? Or will you always be a little bit afraid of him? Once you answer that for yourself, then you'll know what to do. Good luck.


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