# Caught Between A Rock and A Hard Place



## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.

Two weeks ago I asked her calmly and without making any accusations what was going on. She becomes silent, stares at the floor and finally says: "We were doing so well; everything was so good with us but now I am not feeling it anymore."

I remain calm but ask her to explain what she just said. Again silence. Then she says: "I just need some time!"

I asked her "are we done; is this marriage over?" She doesn't answer. Then she says again: "I need some time and I have one last favor to ask of you: ignore me all you want but don't turn your back on my son."

I stood up, Walked up to her, gave her a shallow hug. She grabbed me very tightly, placed her head on my chest and stayed there. I had to break her embrace to get out. When I did she looked up at me with an expressing pure horror on her face.

Since then I have been living in a hotel and had zero contact with her except for 3 text messages she sent me the first two days of me walking out asking me again to "please don't turn your back on my son". 

I raised her son from birth although I am only the step father. He is a teenager now. Him and I became very close and are really fond of each other. We get along super well.

My question: Is my wife asking me to not turn my back on her son her attempt to "have her cake and eat it too"? IOW. if she knows I am still calling her son, taking him places and so forth, does she see that as an opportunity to continue doing what she's doing because she doesn't need to worry about him and as such does not have to make any effort to try and reconcile this marriage?

What should I do here? Any advice/guidance is truly appreciated.


Thank you


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MumbleBoy said:


> Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.
> 
> Two weeks ago I asked her calmly and without making any accusations what was going on. She becomes silent, stares at the floor and finally says: "We were doing so well; everything was so good with us but now I am not feeling it anymore."
> 
> ...


Cut her loose and get custody of the son.

I'm sorry for your experience.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

She wants to keep taking her new boy toy for a spin, but doesn't want to lose your financial support for her son. 

Okay, maybe she also cares about her son and doesn't want him hurt from her foolishness. But the above sentence is still true, IMO. 

You know she's cheating on you, right?

I assume the child is at least 16 years old, probably older based on you raising him "from birth". So he would be old enough to decide who he wants to see. If not, there are rights for step-parents or anyone who has acted as a parent (especially when the birth father isn't in the picture).


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MumbleBoy said:


> Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.
> *Probably neck deep in an affair*
> 
> 
> ...


Tell her son the truth. Your mom has a new boyfriend so we can’t be married anyone. Then get a good lawyer and file for divorce. Let her go. If not you will allow her to make you a chump. Only you can allow that.
From what you’ve posted you seem to be hoping for magic. When they dump you for another man the worst thing you can do is live in a hopium addiction 

I might add in these situations jumping up and running away (leaving your home) is a real bad idea. You may have been hoping she’d wake up but all you did was help her have more time with the new boyfriend while you banished yourself to a hotel.

Get strong and stay there or this is gonna be much harder on you than it needs to be.

Denial ia a shot term comfort zone that will just keep you there.

Her actions are all the proof you need. It may help to go online and look at her phone bill. You’ll probably see how long she’s been cheating on you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Helping hide her affair won’t get you a thing. Except a longer stay in limbo. From what I’ve seen once they dump you there is no fairy tale ending. I hope you fully awaken. You need to.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Helping hide her affair won’t get you a thing. Except a longer stay in limbo.


Hiding the affair also sets a bad example for the son. 
The son needs to see strength in a time like this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MumbleBoy said:


> Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.
> *Sounds like you’re passive and conflict avoidant.*
> 
> I stood up, Walked up to her, gave her a shallow hug. She grabbed me very tightly, placed her head on my chest and stayed there. I had to break her embrace to get out. When I did she looked up at me with an expressing pure horror on her face.
> ...


She’s dumped you. Right now you should be taking care of yourself and nothings else. Protect your finances, cut off any joint credit cards, etc. *Most importantly get to a great divorce attorney.*

Running out of your home may put you at a big disadvantage. Your married is over.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read a few. Do not do the infamous “pick me dance” or try nicing her back. All that does is make you look weak and unattractive while making her new boyfriend look better.
Get a plan together. The one good thing you’ve done is no contact. Keep it up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What has recently kept her in the marriage is her fear about you alienating her son which would be cruel and I sure hope you don't do that. I think she's probably ready to get out of the marriage and probably is something going on with someone else. I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't do anything to hurt the boy who probably regard you as his father and role model. And of course despite how much pain it will be, that means keeping it civil with her around him at least.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MumbleBoy said:


> Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.


For crying out loud dude: can you understand what you just wrote here? You were acting as a doormat beta man allowing your wife to hang out with another dude while you knew what was going on but doing **** about it.




MumbleBoy said:


> stood up, Walked up to her, gave her a shallow hug.


You gave her a hug? Really? WTF?

At least you walked out. Do not think about waiting in limbo about if she's coming back. You should have the dignity and self respect to end it completely with her NOW. Lawyer up and serve her with divorce papers. Act now while she's in la la land deep in the grass is greener on the other side, so that you can get a better, faster, easier deal in the divorce.

Do not contemplate anything about she coming back to you, she's gone. Accept it and move on.

As far as the kid is concerned that's your call. You know how's he have been overall towards you as his stepfather. If he considers you as his dad, then you're his father and can't and shouldn't punish him because of what the mother has done. Does the kid has a bio father that has been present as well?

You do not punish your stepson in order to try to get the mother back. That's pathetic, and a coward's way to try to hold onto someone that dumped you. For crying out loud, have some dignity and self respect.

What you should do? Cut her out of your life like yesterday and don't ever see her again. Your stepson is your stepson, he shouldn't be part of the equation at all in your decision to divorce her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MumbleBoy said:


> Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.
> 
> Two weeks ago I asked her calmly and without making any accusations what was going on. She becomes silent, stares at the floor and finally says: "We were doing so well; everything was so good with us but now I am not feeling it anymore."
> 
> ...


I Think she doesn't want her son to loose you as his dad. I hope he doesn't loose you, whatever happens it's not his fault. As far as he is concerned you are his dad.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

First of; thank you to everyone who responded here. I am overwhelmed by the love you show me. 

Secondly; No his bio father was never around, not physically and not financially. I took over that responsibility completely since my step son was an infant.

Thirdly; I spoke to my step son and told him what transpired. He absolutely wants me in his life. And that's what we are going to do.

Fortly; I contacted a divorce attorney and have an appt on Monday. 

Fiftly; once the divorce is settled, I am buying a place of my own and my step son is moving in. What she does with her boy toy I couldn't care less anymore (thanks to all you strong men here). 

Thank you all so very much. I would not have seen the light without your input.
I will be here often to support or guide others.

All the best;


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MumbleBoy said:


> First of; thank you to everyone who responded here. I am overwhelmed by the love you show me.
> 
> Secondly; No his bio father was never around, not physically and not financially. I took over that responsibility completely since my step son was an infant.
> 
> ...


Good plan. That's doing it right.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MumbleBoy said:


> Secondly; No his bio father was never around, not physically and not financially. I took over that responsibility completely since my step son was an infant.


Then, you shouldn't think of him as your stepson. HE IS YOUR SON. A father is that who raised him, bio or not.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

FYI I always call him my son and as far as I am concerned he is my son and he knows that. I only said step son in this writing to get my story across.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Then, you shouldn't think of him as your stepson. HE IS YOUR SON. A father is that who raised him, bio or not.





Rob_1 said:


> Then, you shouldn't think of him as your stepson. HE IS YOUR SON. A father is that who raised him, bio or not.


He may be his son in all ways, but it's a question of legal standing.
The reality is that the law favours the birth parent over the step-parent, regardless of the level of commitment.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MumbleBoy said:


> My question: *Is my wife asking me to not turn my back on her son her attempt to "have her cake and eat it too"?* IOW. if she knows I am still calling her son, taking him places and so forth, does she see that as an opportunity to continue doing what she's doing because she doesn't need to worry about him and as such does not have to make any effort to try and reconcile this marriage?


Yep.



MumbleBoy said:


> What should I do here? Any advice/guidance is truly appreciated.


Divorce.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Yep.
> 
> 
> 
> Divorce.


He showed his plan.
It's a good one.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> He may be his son in all ways, but it's a question of legal standing.
> The reality is that the law favours the birth parent over the step-parent, regardless of the level of commitment.


Yes indeed. I'm completely aware of that. My point was that OP kept repeating "stepson", but he clarified that already.


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## Lonely2021 (Nov 6, 2021)

MumbleBoy said:


> Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.
> 
> Two weeks ago I asked her calmly and without making any accusations what was going on. She becomes silent, stares at the floor and finally says: "We were doing so well; everything was so good with us but now I am not feeling it anymore."
> 
> ...


Sounds like from her response she wants out but she left it open ended. She cannot make you decide between her and her son. I understand you might be a father figure to him but her actions have no words. The son shouldn’t suffer and you should explain this to him if he’s old enough. Tough situation… but in the end what’s best for u? Maybe u can give me some input on mine 😐


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

MumbleBoy said:


> My question: Is my wife asking me to not turn my back on her son her attempt to "have her cake and eat it too"? IOW. if she knows I am still calling her son, taking him places and so forth, does she see that as an opportunity to continue doing what she's doing because she doesn't need to worry about him and as such does not have to make any effort to try and reconcile this marriage?


It sounds like you already have a good plan in mind. But I just wanted to address the above question.

Will she see this as an _opportunity_ to continue cheating? No. She never plans on stopping the affair no matter what choice you made. She just hoped that you’d be good to her kid still regardless of her actions. Sometimes the better parent is not the one that is genetically related. That’s just a fact.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MumbleBoy said:


> First of; thank you to everyone who responded here. I am overwhelmed by the love you show me.
> 
> Secondly; No his bio father was never around, not physically and not financially. I took over that responsibility completely since my step son was an infant.
> 
> ...


You have no idea what your decisiveness has saved you. A lot will wallow in infidelity, get strung along and live on hopium not wanting to see the truth. Not to mention repeated infidelity. 
People like you are a rarity. Congratulations!!!!

No contact with her is your best friend. Keep that boy close. He’s worth it.

I’d bet like most at some point you will get the let’s be friends thing. That will be all for her not you. it helps them alleviate guilt at your expense of course.
Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy. 
You can have a great life with you son and not have her in it. He is your son. Biologically doesn’t matter and it sounds like you’ve done a great job as his father. 
Now show him never accept unacceptable. Kids learn most from their parents.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Those who get strong and stay there come out of these situations best. You can only control you.
All the best!!!

Talk gets you nothing but it will keep you bound. You’ll prevent yourself from moving on if you don’t cut contact.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

MumbleBoy said:


> I raised her son from birth although I am only the step father.


you asserted decisiveness which is crucial. nice job.. What were her motives for marrying? She was probably looking for a generous traditional guy to fill this role. Perhaps you served your purpose. Understand the situation. Women marry for all kinds of reasons amigo. Look up the Lover/Provider dichotomy.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

I just want to say "thank you" to all of you once again. Despite I don't know anyone of you personally I feel as if I found a whole lot of new friends. 

Update: In just one day after posting my initial message and acting on responses I got from you my life has made a 360 degree turn. No I am not back with her. Never again! However, I got my son, went to see the newest Marvel movie and we had an absolute blast. Afterwards we had dinner and laughed our butts off telling stupid jokes. I haven't felt this good in years. 

Thank you all. If any of you needs help with something emotional, I hope I can help you as much if not more than you helped me. Don't hesitate to post me a line.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

Lonely2021 said:


> Sounds like from her response she wants out but she left it open ended. She cannot make you decide between her and her son. I understand you might be a father figure to him but her actions have no words. The son shouldn’t suffer and you should explain this to him if he’s old enough. Tough situation… but in the end what’s best for u? Maybe u can give me some input on mine 😐


I would love to give you input if I can but can't seem to find your post other than this reply. Please share. Thanks.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MumbleBoy said:


> I would love to give you input if I can but can't seem to find your post other than this reply. Please share. Thanks.


Click on @Lonely2021 avatar look at "discussions created" and click on the one you want to see. So far there's only one. You can do this for anyone you'd be interested on reading and/or giving input.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Good plan. Keep your strength and stick to it. Its the best and only thing you can do right now. 

Initially, you we’re slow to react to her friendship with this clown but I think you’ve made up for it with your decisiveness in the end.

What is it with unwed mothers? I know quite a few that have done this to good honest men who have stepped in to help raise their child. It happened to me. I will advise my sons not to get involved with women that have children.

I met my XWW when her son was two years old. After we were married, I raised him just like my own son, along with our two other children. He considers me his father. I even officially adapted him so he is my son. 

After I discovered her cheating, I dragged my feet hoping that she would change your mind, I know…really stupid. It cost me time, emotional energy and self respect. Your reaction was much better. The sooner you can get past this and heal from it, the better off you’ll be. 

My son was about the same age as yours when I had to sit him down and tell him why I was divorcing his mother. He already had suspicions of her activities so this clarified things in his mind. 

He was married two years ago and I was proud to stand up at his wedding. XWW was also in the wedding. I managed to avoid any conversations with her. No contact…forever.

Your son needs a good example of an honest man like you in his life I’m glad you’ll stay close to him. He will always remember the sacrifices that you made for him. You are also teaching him an important lesson about what he should tolerate from relationships in his future. You’re teaching him to be strong, stand up for himself, and not to allow himself to be disrespected.
Stay strong


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

WasDecimated said:


> What is it with unwed mothers?



you know the answer. They seek a Provider. A guy who will provide material support for her and child. A man who checks the boxes on reliability, steadiness, and predictability. The Lover aspect is given a backseat to the Provider requirements.

Never fall into the Provider Trap... that's my advice. Men have literally been brainwashed into accepting this role. Paul Elam critiques gynocentrism_ refers to a dominant or exclusive focus on women in theory or practice_; and chivalry for the mind viruses that they are.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

MumbleBoy said:


> FYI I always call him my son and as far as I am concerned he is my son and he knows that. I only said step son in this writing to get my story across.


I can see why your STBXW wants you in your son’s life, you are a good man!

As others say, and you already realise, don’t let her actions spoil that relationship with your son.

Personally, I don’t see what you are doing is allowing her any cake eating or off the hook. In a bad situation, your actions and attitude are going to provide a win:win for this element of your relationship.

As he is your step son, where do you stand legally with custody? Have you adopted him? Do you need to sort out legal custody rights whilst she is still malleable?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

After the divorce goes through you should think about legally adopting him.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> I can see why your STBXW wants you in your son’s life, you are a good man!
> 
> As others say, and you already realise, don’t let her actions spoil that relationship with your son.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I am not staying in touch with my son because of her. I am doing this for my son and myself. Unfortunately there won't be any custody. He is fine with it and so am I.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

manowar said:


> you know the answer. They seek a Provider. A guy who will provide material support for her and child. A man who checks the boxes on reliability, steadiness, and predictability. The Lover aspect is given a backseat to the Provider requirements.
> 
> Never fall into the Provider Trap... that's my advice. Men have literally been brainwashed into accepting this role. Paul Elam critiques gynocentrism_ refers to a dominant or exclusive focus on women in theory or practice_; and chivalry for the mind viruses that they are.


I refuse to believe all "single mothers with kids" are out to snare a guy only for material support. There are good ones out there. My luck I happen to stumble upon one who isn't.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

UPDATE:
1) No contact since Nov 2.
2) Divorce papers completed; waiting for her to be served.
3) Interesting tidbit: Nov 10 I get a text msg from my credit card company alerting me a payment had been scheduled. Nothing suspicious there except I hadn't made the payment. Come to find out she made the payment from her cellphone. I cancelled it.
4) Doing well emotionally, physically and mentally. Thanks to all your positive feedback and support.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Getting it quickly will stand you well. Nice going.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

MumbleBoy said:


> I refuse to believe all "single mothers with kids" are out to snare a guy only for material support. There are good ones out there. My luck I happen to stumble upon one who isn't.


Maybe not All but the odds are not in your favor. But then again, I'm not into high-stakes gambling.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

MumbleBoy said:


> UPDATE:
> 1) No contact since Nov 2.
> 2) Divorce papers completed; waiting for her to be served.
> 3) Interesting tidbit: Nov 10 I get a text msg from my credit card company alerting me a payment had been scheduled. Nothing suspicious there except I hadn't made the payment. Come to find out she made the payment from her cellphone. I cancelled it.
> 4) Doing well emotionally, physically and mentally. Thanks to all your positive feedback and support.


you are da man. Doing the right thing as a step dad, being positive in life, know what needs to be done and act quickly.

well done sir.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

One question: why cancel the credit card payment?


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## lovemimi (Nov 29, 2021)

MumbleBoy said:


> Wife of 16yrs has been acting distant, cold, non-interested in me and "hanging out" a lot with a male co-worker for about 3 months. All the while I knew something was up by her demeanor but never confronted or accused her of anything, assuming she'd get over it. Not so.
> 
> Two weeks ago I asked her calmly and without making any accusations what was going on. She becomes silent, stares at the floor and finally says: "We were doing so well; everything was so good with us but now I am not feeling it anymore."
> 
> ...


Sorry to hear that. Almost in a similar situation at this moment.


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## lovemimi (Nov 29, 2021)

MumbleBoy said:


> First of; thank you to everyone who responded here. I am overwhelmed by the love you show me.
> 
> Secondly; No his bio father was never around, not physically and not financially. I took over that responsibility completely since my step son was an infant.
> 
> ...


How did you cope with all this so easily and so well? did you read any special book or any youtube video? Any input will be greatly appreciated. Thanks


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