# Wife in Midlife Crisis.. could use advice..



## steelwool (Feb 3, 2013)

We've been married for 8 years, and together for 13. We have two children ages 6 and 15. About a year ago my wife started going out with her friends once a week and really enjoyed doing it. I figured it was a good thing and so I was fairly supportive. At first it seemed to improve our relationship. However, as time went on she started to stay out later and later. Her friend that she went out with had an affair. Suddenly she started staying out until 3AM. The more I questioned her about it the later she would stay out. Last week she went out every night for six days in a row. She is a stay at home mom and she says that she doesn't know what she wants anymore. She says she just wants to run. She is tired of being tied to the house. I told her to get a job, but she hasn't made any moves to do it. She isn't sure she wants to work on the marriage because she doesn't know if its what she wants any more. She says she needs time and that I need to back off. She glares at me. If I come near her she tenses up.

She refuses to talk to me about what is going on. At all. It's been this awkward silence for the past month. I got her to go to one counseling session, but she has thus far refused to go back. She tells me not to freak out that she is going to stay out all night. It's insane. Obviously I would like her to go back to what she was, but I am not sure that is possible. And if she's cheated? I don't want any part of that noise.

I know there is a very good chance that she is cheating on me. I just need to prove it so I can let go. She hides her phone and turned off the tracking so I don't have those options. She is obsessive about covering her tracks. I have no access to her email, facebook, or her browser history. How do I go about finding out if she is cheating? 

I have worked hard to support her and my family. I make decent money and have carved out a pretty good life for our family. I am shocked that she would throw it away, but it appears that is exactly what she is poised to do. 

Any advice any of you have would be appreciated. I am not going to sit here for years on end while she "finds herself."


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi, sorry you're stuck in this situation.

Typically the only thing that can account for the change In her attitude toward you is an interest in someone else.

I think it's safe to say she has started something. The problem is you have to change/stop it.

You need proof then you need to expose to everyone you know. Especially people that your wife values...parents, friends etc.

She needs to feel the shame not the fantasy. Plus she's immersed in a group of people who are supporting this behavior. Let's face it even if she isn't cheating, she's waaaayy off course here.

Follow the advice on here that sure to come today about going about gathering evidence to confront and expose.

Hurry! She fading fast.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's obvious that she is dangerously close to being a walkaway wife. She has been reintroduced to the single party girl lifestyle, and she is no doubt getting hit on by other guys. Eventually (if it hasn't already happened), the thrill of being approached will wear off, and she's going to crave MORE to show herself that she's "still got it".

Show her that you are NOT afraid of losing her. Do the 180. Get in shape, make yourself healthier, more confident, and most of all, don't beg/plead with her to stay. Right now, she has the toxic idea in her head that she can do better than you, and that greener pastures await. Infidelity is like a drug-and drug addicts will do, sell, throw away, destroy and steal ANYTHING to keep getting that high.

Bottom line is, she wants to be a single party girl again-you just may have to make her one. It's only when she realizes that she's just "single", and the "party" has long gone, will she get her head out of that dark spot.

Do you want to save this marriage? If so, you may have to, to paraphrase an incident in Vietnam, "destroy it in order to save it".


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Three very good posts above. It is a fog. Get a recording device in her car if you can. Her support group with the cheater has helped her take the bad path through the fog. She sounds to be ripe at the age of the MLC and her actions seem to confirm it.

The fog can lift but it takes months of patience. 180 is what you need to live.

I wish you well!


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## steelwool (Feb 3, 2013)

F-102 said:


> It's obvious that she is dangerously close to being a walkaway wife. She has been reintroduced to the single party girl lifestyle, and she is no doubt getting hit on by other guys. Eventually (if it hasn't already happened), the thrill of being approached will wear off, and she's going to crave MORE to show herself that she's "still got it".
> 
> Show her that you are NOT afraid of losing her. Do the 180. Get in shape, make yourself healthier, more confident, and most of all, don't beg/plead with her to stay. Right now, she has the toxic idea in her head that she can do better than you, and that greener pastures await. Infidelity is like a drug-and drug addicts will do, sell, throw away, destroy and steal ANYTHING to keep getting that high.
> 
> ...


It makes sense. I have actually already started doing what people are calling the 180. Although it is coming into focus now. 
I started working out about a year ago and already lost about 50 pounds, but I have doubled down since this happened. I do between an hour and two hours a day depending on my schedule. It makes me feel better. I am also to the point where I really don't care what she does. I am ready to let go and ok with it. I am furious, but I am regaining balance.

Where can I learn more about how to execute the 180?


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## steelwool (Feb 3, 2013)

This is me said:


> Three very good posts above. It is a fog. Get a recording device in her car if you can. Her support group with the cheater has helped her take the bad path through the fog. She sounds to be ripe at the age of the MLC and her actions seem to confirm it.
> 
> The fog can lift but it takes months of patience. 180 is what you need to live.
> 
> I wish you well!


I have formulated a plan. And I want some feedback. If something I say here doesn't make sense or if you have improvements / changes let me know. Thank you for your help!

1.) Put a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in her car.
2.) Get a new Cell phone GPS enabled to track the vehicle, plant it in the vehicle.
3.) Install WebWatcher on her computer.
4.) See what I can learn in 2-3 weeks.
5.) Ask for a divorce
6.) Ask her to move out of the house.
7.) Turn off credit cards (leave gas card so she can drive the kids)
8.) Turn off her Cell phone
9.) See what happens.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Steelwool, do you really need to find out if she's cheating at this point? 

She's disabling the tracking, staying out all night, denying you access to her email and facebook? Tensing up when your'e around? 

This is SINGLE behavior, you are the only one who sees themselves as married at this point. This is enough for you to file. 

If you do file ,either she'll wake up and comes back to the marriage or you'll be giving her what she wants and you can start to move on. 

Either way you win because the status quo is unacceptable and untenable.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

steelwool said:


> I have formulated a plan. And I want some feedback. If something I say here doesn't make sense or if you have improvements / changes let me know. Thank you for your help!
> 
> 1.) Put a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in her car.
> 2.) Get a new Cell phone GPS enabled to track the vehicle, plant it in the vehicle.
> ...


This is pretty darn good. Especially 5 6 and 7.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here, 

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Good plan. 

Good luck


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Do a 180
Shut down all her credit cards and access to any bank accounts.
Shut down her cell phone.
Shut down her access to transportation if you can.
Call a lawyer and have him write up divorce papers.
Say nothing to your wife about these divorce papers.
Have her served the papers out of the blue.
When she goes ballistic give her your boundaries.

1:She dumps the toxic friend
2:She right now this minute gives you access to her phone, e-mail, social networks.
3:She no longer goes out partying without you....ever.

Watch what she does, post your observations here before doing anything else.

Personally I don`t think you`ll need anything but #2 because I`m sure if she gives you immediate access you`ll no longer want to be married to her once you read her messages.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

She is cheating. Ask her to leave and start filing D.

Do not play games. The longer you let it go the worse it will be. You can also hire a PI if you do not believe this. There is only one reason to stay out all night long.

Get control now.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

steelwool said:


> It makes sense. I have actually already started doing what people are calling the 180. Although it is coming into focus now.
> I started working out about a year ago and already lost about 50 pounds, but I have doubled down since this happened. I do between an hour and two hours a day depending on my schedule. It makes me feel better. I am also to the point where I really don't care what she does. I am ready to let go and ok with it. I am furious, but I am regaining balance.
> 
> Where can I learn more about how to execute the 180?


The 180 is when you are done. This is not the time for the 180. It is time to engage and protect your marriage.

Tell her this lifestyle is not acceptable to you and that is stops right now. That if is does not you will be filing right away.

Hey wives need marriage friendly GNOs. Basically you agree to an open marriage when you thought it swas ok for her to be running the clubs at night. WTH were you thinking. Her being unfaithful is on her but indeed your passiveness and niceness has enabled her.

Have you told her you are divorcing her immediately if she continues this? If not you are messing up my friend. You have a small window to man up.

That said you may find that she is doing things that will make you want to divocre her anyway. But indeed you can assert your boundaries and possibly stop her before she gets physical with other men. Again you may alredy be a winner.

Sorry for being harsh with you but a wife going to dinner with her friends is much different from running the bras and clubs. You are the soul support fot this family. How does a mother find time to run the clubs? Who is watching the kids? Please do not tell me you are while she is out.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Do a 180
> Shut down all her credit cards and access to any bank accounts.
> Shut down her cell phone.
> Shut down her access to transportation if you can.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is optimal. Do not wait. Do not give her time to cover her tracks. I agree you will se plenty of badness just form this to not need the rest.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Good plan. If you aren't familiar with divorce in your area, talk to a lawyer tomorrow morning.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good plan.

The info you get will give you the validation you need to take the next step. It will remove all doubt and you fight to save the marriage will be better directed, especially if it just one guy.

If it a rotation of guys then you still have the confirmation that you need to get rid of this cancer in your marriage. what sucks about cancer is if its bad enough you have to cut off the infected limb.

Hopefully the radiation will be effective and burn what ever is infecting the marriage and your wife sees the her short term happiness will not give her long term satisfaction.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think she has a lot to lose, with an effective confrontation you might get her back.

Sometimes when the wayward see the reality of her behavior she realizes that its not the healthy way to go about "finding her self".

Real inportant thing here....NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCE.. if she makes any commitment to the marriage you will still need these source to confirm what she says and what she does.

In fact, during the confrontation, if she asks how you know what you know tell her you hired a PI........


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Some men here will tell you to shut down bank accounts, cut up credit cards and throw her out. They continue to fail to realize that your wife has every right to those bank accounts, those credit cards and cutting her off could be detrimental to you in court. Despite repeated warnings of their dangerous advice, they continue because they live in a fantasy world where adultery still matters in court. It doesn't. Only in TWO states does it and even those require physical evidence. In all others, if you followed their advice, it would be viewed as abandonment and YOU would pay heavily. 

My advice to you would be this: She is going out 6 days a week and to me that means either she has somebody on the side or is looking for one. That is not a woman engaged in her marriage and I won't give the canned response that everybody else here gives: Counseling, go to the gym, do the 180, read this book, etc. Bottom line, once a woman is done with a relationship, she is done. Oh she might stick around because of children, finances, etc., but she doesn't give her heart anymore. From what you have presented, it sounds like your wife is done. 

As horrible as it sounds, figure out if you want to be married to her anymore. Start listening to your inner voice. You know darn well what is going on or you wouldn't have posted here. 

My advice? Don't listen to wanna be lawyers who recklessly give advice about divorce law while pressing their own agenda. Listen to your gut and hire a fantastic attorney. As for me, my best friend gave the advice you got. An actual lawyer.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> I would caution you to pay off and cancel a credit card and to split the money right down the middle is and take half out, leaving half in joint account.
> 
> Community property state like California regarding actual assets. Credit is still offered per person even if a second card can be given to a spouse.


To add, I would ALSO caution listening to a bunch of dudes who think that in reality you can walk in to a bank or brokerage/call them on the phone to prevent a spouse from gaining access to an account and think that because a bunch of wanna be lawyers on the internet told you it was yours, it actually is yours. That's the dumbest **** I have ever heard.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> Agreed


I can assure you that you can't just "shut down" an investment account even if it was in your own name when a legal partner is involved. Legal partner being a spouse or a business partner. That also applies to a bank account. The advice given is laughable. The 180 works for everybody however. Turn and run.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

That may be the case in cali, but in other states you can legally take out half out of a joint account. You can't wipe it clean and if you do you'll just pay it back anyway.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tom67 said:


> That may be the case in cali, but in other states you can legally take out half out of a joint account. You can't wipe it clean and if you do you'll just pay it back anyway.



Show the case law because what you just coached this man is theft of marital property. Wipe it clean and pay it back later. God are you kidding me? Are you perhaps the missing link?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Be nice people...this isnt Paper Chase.

See a lawyer dude, find out what your rights are. I agree with Brighteyes...your wife has left the building.

Now its time for you to shut off the lights and lock the door on your way out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Be nice people...this isnt Papaer Chase.
> 
> See a lawyer dude, find out what your rights are. I agree with Brighteyes...your wife has left the building.
> 
> Now its time for you to shut off the lights and lock the door on your way out.


It's way too late for me to log into westlaw


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> To add, I would ALSO caution listening to a bunch of dudes who think that in reality you can walk in to a bank or brokerage/call them on the phone to prevent a spouse from gaining access to an account and think that because a bunch of wanna be lawyers on the internet told you it was yours, it actually is yours. That's the dumbest **** I have ever heard.



So you`re telling me I couldn't go to the bank right now and dissolve my and my wife's joint accounts in less than ten minutes?

You're telling me I couldn't call my credit card company and claim I lost my card so please shut down that account number?

I`ve already done it more than once so perhaps you should watch where you`re throwing those insults.

That cell phone can be taken care of in the same manner.

If the OP wants his wife back he`ll .....



> Do a 180
> Shut down all her credit cards and access to any bank accounts.
> Shut down her cell phone.
> Shut down her access to transportation if you can.
> ...


She has no income other than what he allows her so money is his biggest leverage.
If he wants to keep her he should use it.

Either that or he can keep financing her love life.

If he doesn't want her back he should just proceed to divorce and forget the rest.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I can assure you that you can't just "shut down" an investment account even if it was in your own name when a legal partner is involved. Legal partner being a spouse or a business partner. That also applies to a bank account. The advice given is laughable. The 180 works for everybody however. Turn and run.


This is simply not true brighteyes.

I`ve shut down and re-opened numerous bank accounts without my wife' permission.

I`ve cancelled numerous credit cards without her permission as well.

I`ve made serious withdrawals and adjustments to investment accounts without her say so as well.

Maybe it has something to do with geography.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Man, have I been there... got really, really, lucky and she wasn't cheating. Here's what I did: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html

Basically I had to nut up and give her something to lose. My advice would be to start spending 3+ nights out a week. If she wants to go out those nights, she can find a babysitter. When I started doing that rather than just rolling over and sitting at home on the couch like a lame ass boring guy, she flipped back to normal. Show her you have a life too. Let her wonder what you're up to rather than the other way around. Whe she starts to not like it then you can talk it out and find a new balance.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

tacoma said:


> This is simply not true brighteyes.
> 
> I`ve shut down and re-opened numerous bank accounts without my wife' permission.
> 
> ...


What she is saying is that if you do these things, you can be held libel for them. I agree with her.

I also agree with her that the W is checked out so this type of behavior will only make her respond aggressively (ie get a lawyer)

So if that is on the horizon anyway, control the situation. My advice would be take some time to plan the logistics of a divorce (there is a lot to that and that's something good to ask advice on) and once you are set, tell her you want out.

If she still gives a damn she'll fight to get you back, but if not then you are better off cutting the cord now before you invest any more emotion in a doomed relationship.

She now has all the benefits of the fun single life (partying, no cares, random hookups, free drinks), with none of the drawbacks (instability, uncertainty, unpaid bills)

She won't care if you start vanishing too (not to mention then no one will be there for the kids - bad sign she can compartmentalize that so easily IMO) because it will just mean you're out of her hair and will help her rationalize her own behavior.

Keep the high road. Prepare. Drop bomb. Then go from there.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

MrAvg said:


> Your wife problem is not uncommon. There is a excellent post on this forum by a woman that explains "The Fog" of how women are thinking at this time of life. She was following the same path as your wife and split with her husband. Moved in with a guy named Jim and things were great, till the fog started to clear.
> 
> Once it has cleared she saw how her thinking was so screwed up and what she had done to her relationship and family. *Perhaps someone else can post a link*. It is a chilling story by a woman just like your wife.


Here, the link as you requested

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...decide-leave-read-my-story-8.html#post1422260


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Cutting off the money tap is number 1 in my books.

Partying up on your dime? No sir.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

steelwool said:


> I make decent money and have carved out a pretty good life for our family.


I used to not care about finding proof, but you WILL be divorcing, and a strategy of "she went out with her friends a lot" will cost you A LOT of money.

Hire a PI. She goes out multiple times a week? In less than a month you will have a montage of cell footage that would make Ron Jeremy blush.

She has partied with a lot of men. She meets up with men she knows at bars and parties with them. She has A LOT of new male friends you don't know about. Even if she hasn't swapped fluids with any of them yet (unlikely, but possible), she is cheating if she's meeting up with men you don't know about.

Hire a PI. He'll do in a week what you CAN'T do in 6 months. Just do it and get it over with.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This is simply not true brighteyes.
> 
> I`ve shut down and re-opened numerous bank accounts without my wife' permission.
> 
> ...


My point was that while you may be able to technically do it, you will pay terribly in court for doing so.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MrK said:


> I used to not care about finding proof, but you WILL be divorcing, and a strategy of "she went out with her friends a lot" will cost you A LOT of money.
> 
> Hire a PI. She goes out multiple times a week? In less than a month you will have a montage of cell footage that would make Ron Jeremy blush.
> 
> ...


The point to this would be what? Only two states care about infidelity and unless he lives in those two, why waste money proving she cheated?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The point to this would be what? Only two states care about infidelity and unless he lives in those two, why waste money proving she cheated?


Didn't know that. I thought maybe it WOULD help legally. But dealing with friends or loved ones might be easier. Easier than the perception of just leaving because she wanted to go out a little.


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