# Seperation & mixed signals



## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Gday forum

My wife and i have had a rocky marriage for a while and we agreed to sell the house to get out of debt and be able to live separately

While the house was on the market she was adamant that she wanted a 
Divorce i have been doing counselling to deal with my behaviour and attempt to learn to do things better

Since living apart she has told me she has feelings for me and we have gone out together and had sex 

Last night she came over for dinner and it went haywire after we were discussing past hurts by both of us and now shes saying leave her alone and dont contact her 

Im trying to understand what i need to do if we reconcile i didnt ask to go out last weekend that was her suggestion and counsellor said to accept and enjoy . I really thought we had a nice time and communicated honestly she did say it will take time and she was hugging me and holding hands which hasnt happened for a long time

I guess im trying to say that im confused yes i want to reconcile and be a couple yes i know i made mistakes and im getting counselling to learn and to bounce off when im upset or needing help
If she wants to be left alone why initiate dinner and come for visits its really upset me as i feel like its mixed signals and i come to terms with seperation then it sets me back to start again

I know this is all over the place but any advice or guidance is appreciated


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I am not the best to give advice, but from a woman's perspective...I've found that divorve is a hard subject to come to terms with. I love my STBX, but I think I love the "what used to be". I would also have sex with him or a date (though I know that's not going to happen), but if I truely ask myself how I feel in that moment, I know the love I have is not the love that I use to have. Does that make sense? Even the intimacy doesn't feel the same. I long for him, but he is not the same in my eyes anymore. I thought about not signing papers, to refuse to give up on the time we had together...but I know where we are now is not as it used to be. The man I love(d), is not the man I see before me now.

If ever there was a situation like yours, if I was asked to go on a date by my STBX...I feel I've tried so hard to pull away, that going back into the hurt would be too hard. Sex is easy...date and sex with a familiar partner...but expecting more is like inviting more pain. Don't know about you SO, but I think I'd be in it just for the sex....hoping for more but knowing that going back is just as hard as going through divorce.

Sorry if that's bad advice. I'm learning as I go...


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Ps, our 2nd counseling session also encouraged sex...cause I said I wanted it and STBX agreed. It was part of out "homework", 15 mins of time with sex or w/out. Each time was a whambamthankyoumam. ...pointless


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

G'day db

I get the sex with someone familiar
I'm struggling with the fact that she has initiated lunches and dinners and overnight stays knowing how I feel about wanting to reconnect

I don't understand going out together with her friends and spending time and having an honest talk about having feelings and taking time can go to leave me alone
I know I hurt her and I know I need to take time maybe I need to stop with the I want to reconnect and learn to go with what's offered and see what happens
It's the up and down nature of things that throw me I get used to the idea of living alone and getting out of debt the. She throws me a curveball with see what happens and we need to spend time together to get better
It's all very confusing to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Upanddown said:


> G'day db
> 
> I get the sex with someone familiar
> I'm struggling with the fact that she has initiated lunches and dinners and overnight stays knowing how I feel about wanting to reconnect
> ...


Yeah this may not be good for your mental state. DUDE


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I'd say...at least you both are talking...cause in my situation that is not the case (about us anyways, he doesn't want to talk or does for a bit then walks off with the last say). But as pathetic as it seems to me, I guess sometimes relationships can do better by not communicating? I've read so many articles that my head spins...."want to win someone back, find a hobby and work on yourself". Personally I think that's ridiculous...but I do think it works some of the time?

I've found in my own hell that the harder I tried to connect, the further we were distanced. Part of me thinks as I try to just let go and move on it will save the marriage, and another part of me thinks once I do so...maybe I won't want the marriage back. This is my first, I'm his 4th.

I'm not the best to take advice from, keep that in mind pls. But it does seem like she still loves you but something has to happen for her to make a commitment either way. Wouldn't it be grand if we were loved for who we are the same as the day we were married? Sorry if that didn't help...


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Yeah ive read lots of articles too

I havent heard or seen from her at all this weekend a total contrast from last weekend

I think im going to have to accept that i need to stop and just accept that she knows that i want to reconnect and work on improving things. Ive decided that im not going to text or call unless its something important to do with the sale of the house

I think seperation is going to mean i look after myself and she will need to decide if she loves me to try or respect that im getting counselling and my feelings and leave me alone. Last weekend with dinner and staying the night then no contact at all has really thrown me in spin it still upsets me that she would say she has feelings for me then appear to just cut me right off 

I get shes angry and i get blamed for everything thats gone wrong, the counsellor tells me yes im to blame for some but not all of it and im not responsible for other peoples actions.
I thin maybe time apart may help me accept its over and that being sad about it is ok and i will ok 
I deserve to be appreciated for what i have done its hard to deal with all the negativity iypts like shes re written history and cherry picked the parts that suit her point of view


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Well wife has texted me saying she feels guilty for doing this and I need to leave her alone for us to both get better 
I've made it know I'm willing to work on us and get counselling
I know I took this for granted and it's hard to be loving or affectionate in a tense and sometimes hostile home

I really need to get better at no contact to protect my feelings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

There's been no txt a for two days 
The emotions say I want to work on us and reconnect and get things
better
My head knows I've told her how I feel and that i can't make her and that it needs to be her decision
I know things got bad I'm still struggling with this
I'm going to counsellor tomorrow night And I've decided I'm going to try something new and different I'm going to sign up to do a beginners yoga class! I don't know what to expect but I'm hoping to get out and learn and meet new people
Any advise of help is appreciated 
Cheers
Brad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I mucked up tonight
I haven't texted or talked for 6 days then i broke and txted 

It wasn't argumentative but it wasn't positive either
She wrote back to stop and that she needs to deal with issues and get better 

Im sad i don't understand any of this we went to Hawaii in january and had a great time i know i made mistakes i cant seem to communicate or connect anymore with her we used to be a great couple 

I need to get better at leaving her alone I've told her i want to work on us I'm struggling to accept that i know we have been been up and down for a few years
I really thought we could get work on us after selling the house i thought getting out of debt and living apart in seperate houses would give us time to go slow and make it right im still getting counselling and ive learnt a lot about better communication and about my own behaviour
Its been 4 weeks since we sold the house and she moved out maybe she needs more time to work out if she has feelings for me or wants to try maybe its needs a longer break and no contact

Brad


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

UpandDown,

One of my best friends just destroyed his M over the past year because he was not able to stop bugging his W like this after separation.

He really screwed up in their M....was a HORRIBLE H.....had some addiction issues.

She finally had enough in June 2014 and moved back to her mom's with their kids.

Told him to work on fixing his issues and leave her alone to work out what she wanted....she was highly stressed and angry about his actions....wanted time to be away from the drama and see if he could work on his issues.

I told him CONSTANTLY after their split to leave her be and work on his emotional and substance issues.....he would never listen.....kept constantly bugging her about wanting to work it out, asking if they still had a chance, etc....in addition, all the focus on her meant he did practically no work on himself.... still hasn't completely stopped using drugs, still hasn't worked on his anger and aggression.

Now, his W is DONE.

I've known her entire family longer than even knowing my friend, so I still see his W pretty often when I visit.

She has been frank that his constant badgering while refusing to really work on himself was what finally proved to be the dealbreaker for her.

I know its hard....you want resolution and answers NOW....but you have to get more disciplined about not bugging her.

Give her space....so long as she isn't seeing anyone else it can only help if you wait for her to reach out to contact you.


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I'm trying with the space it's hard yesterday she was a mess I now know I can't fix her issues 
I'm in IC I'm learning and slowly accepting I can't make her commit or reconnect with me
She gas agreed to go to MC on Friday together maybe talking to an independent female will help
Thanks for you reply I'll staple that into my head to make sure that's something I can do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I must ask since you keep bringing up the mistakes you made, what was the primary driver for your divorce? It does play in to how she is behaving.

You are in the horrible limbo state of separation. It is the worst part, you are stuck and can not move on. It does sound like your spouse had a momentary lapse and gave you the impression she was opening the door to reconciliation. But the fact that she closed it so fast makes me think she has a fear of getting her heart broken. Please do not set your expectations to high for MC. She might be going in the sessions with the expectations of trying to get you to understand why she wants a divorce with a neutral party in the room. I can say that from experience because I did the same thing in my divorce.

Best advice I can give you is really listen to her in the session and let her know how you feel. I would also suggest you discuss are you separated with the hope of reconciliation or are you separated and moving towards divorce. There is no grey in the middle you have to pick one for both of your mental health. If you guys do decide it is separated with a chance of reconciliation then make a plan and guidelines, especially around IC, MC, and dating.

Sorry you are stuck in limbo....it truly is hell. I know I have been there for 6 months and am just coming out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What are the issues in your marriage and when did they crop up?

Search this website for the 180.

Download the MMSLP book linked to below from amazon.com.

Is she seeing anyone else? Have you looked at phone records to see who shes calling and texting?

Have you talked to her about whether or not the two of you should see other people during the seperation?

Has your sex life changed inthe last few years?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did either of you go out without the other?

What does she say you have done wrong?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look up Day One's thread.


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Thanks for the replies

It all kind of pointless at the moment I'm on a merry go round

I know I can tend to start nagging about what it is we are tying to achieve
The other night she asked me not to date or have sex as that would hurt her and I'm not ready to do that anyway it would be unfair to another person and complicate things more 
I've asked her to stay faithful and she hasn't really committed she says
she wants to leave me then contacts me and says she misses me and see what happens she did take down her dating profile though


I now need to really go hard no contact until I get my new house I've made it clear how I feel and that I'm willing to reconnect and have counselling to help 
I think she needs time alone to really decide if we can commit and reconnect

I've told her to respect that I'm in counselling and that I need time to grieve and that this is hurting us both I've told her if she commits to working on us it needs to be a fresh start I'm sick of rehashing the old stuff I don't even fight about it anymore

I thinks she has feelings for me and it's confused and scared about what is going to happen and that understandable I have to demonstrate change with actions 

It's time for hard no contact to protect me from the ups and downs
If she wants us to work she can find me and talk to me she knows how I feel I've told her I'm not plan b that this can't go on forever if she wants it over leave me be to grieve and cry I'll bounce back in time

I'm learning from my mistakes ( arguing nagging anger)
and I know what I need to do different it's about me being in control of my own actions no blaming others 

Cheers brad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Can you post a link to day ones thread I can't find it using search
Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I'm going to have to accept and deal with the fact that until she actually talks about us and where we stand and that she wants work on us that all other stuff is just is just prolonging the pain

She tells me she's confused she refuses to get counselling or help she is having issue at work it's not my issue to fix anymore 
I wish I was better at no contact to protect me and my feelings
We time apart to just get better
Anyway no more posts time to get into walking and work and staying active to take my mind of things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you saying she asked you not to date but she won't agree to that for herself?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here's the link
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/221290-day-one.html


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You dint say if your sex life had changed and when.


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Yes she hasn't made a commitment to it
It's crazy town
We stopped having sex for the last 6mths before seperation
We had sex 3 times since and she tells me we need intamacy to reconnect 
It's mixed signals 
I mentioned learning from mistakes to carry into my next relationship in time and she gave me tirade saying she put up with crap and wanted me to change my behaviour before we separated

I now see I need hard no contact to protect me I've stated my feelings and I'm willing to work and commit I now need to focus on my health and well being
Thanks for the reply
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I just realized i posted here 2 weeks ago and im still in the same situation seperated looking at divorce

I can see that those interactions in the mean time have actually created drama i would have been better not doing anything and focussing on me

Ive made my feelings clear i would love to rekindle us it needs to be her decision
These up and downs create tension by not letting her miss me and see what life apart is about i realise there is a slim chance of recociliation and divorce is most likely
Im going to concentrate on staying active and trying to not analyse everything
I need to stop beating myself up about things and accept ive apologised and learnt about things with counselling what i need to do 

Im actually off tomorrow morning to do a 2hr hike around the local park with a group i joined online time to meet new people and socialize and stop couch surfing

Im going to stop reading all this information it just overwhelms everything , time to do a 180 and nmmng and focus on me 

It is what it is


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The reason I asked about the change in sex is because many come here and are unaware their spouse is having an affair and refuse to believe its even possible.

Stopping sex with a spouse and separating is a huge, maybe the biggest, redflag for an affair.

Have you checked the phone records?

Yes you need to leave her alone and do the 180. However, you will do better with the support you get from here than without. Get over your denial and emotional storm and start manning up.

The MMSLP book linked to below is the quickest way to regain respect of a walk away wife.


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I cant check anything ill never know to be honest 

I know she tells me she has feelings for me and that the sex is intimate and that i need to leave her alone shes asked me to stay faithful so i need to do just that

Ive bought the mmslp book on kindle , im going to print out the 180 list 

Time to work on me:smile2:


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would also tell her that as long as she does not commit to no dating neither can you...level playing field. whether you do or not is not the point it is a matter of rules of engagement not expectations good luck. keep her wondering


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I dont know what to write here today

We spent the weekend together doing stuff and just having fun
All this was her inviting me after she had a talk with her mother about us her mothers advice was that if we are to work we need to spend time together and appreciate what we bring to our relationship. 
Yesterday she started saying she felt happy about us and that it was nice doing stuff together and she felt like we were a team again

She has actually said she wants to try and reconnect and be a committed couple and that i need to give her time and do the right things 
We have ageed to remain faithful and no dating others which makes me happy 

So im at a loss at where things are i know i still love her and i believe we can get better getting out of debt selling the house has taken away a lot of stress and arguements

Its been 6weeks since we seperated and started living apart im still getting IC to make sure i get better at not getting angry and letting go of the past 

Im just writing this here to get things out of my head and keep a record of things

Im feeling positive about things but im not getting caught up i need to take time and make sure things are going to be better with actions and communication

Brad.k


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The other night she asked me not to date or have sex as that would hurt her and I'm not ready to do that anyway it would be unfair to another person and complicate things more 
I've asked her to stay faithful and she hasn't really committed she says
she wants to leave me then contacts me and says she misses me and see what happens she did take down her dating profile though

Big red flag!!!!! Separation can mean the initiator wants to date others. She had a dating profile????

Whoa!!! 

I would tell her if she cheats it's instant divorce. Why would you have that in your life?

Sounds like a problem to me. You'd Better get a lawyer and be prepared.


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

The profile has beeb deleted and removed from the site she showed the email as confirmation
She has said she is committed to reconnecting and it needs to be over time and getting things right

I can only take things at face value and actions are showing a wiilingness to try
The weekend was nice with smiling and talking and holding hands no sex as she asked to build up intimacy and affection 
Ive been asked out to dinner wednesday night and stay the night

Like i said im happy we talked and we seem to be going in the right direction im not going to rush this

Im going to keep reading mmslp and make sure im ok with however things turn out
Im sort of using this to put thoughts out there and reflect and appreciate peoples advise and i know a lot of wise people have been there and done that 

Cheers
Brad


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Keep your wits about you. You do have big red flags around this.

She listed on a dating site for a reason. 

Has she confirmed she won't see others?

It's easy for these things to go underground and you get surprised later. I hope that's not your case but most often it is. 

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

Well today has been a crap day for me
I saw wife last night and stayed we have been having sex 
This morning she woke up had a shower came in crying telling me she thinks she's gay and sex with me is not making her happy and she doesn't want sex with men anymore
She told me she has felt like that for a long time 

So today I've been gutted crying and a mess
I tried to tell her she has had time to process this
I've had 4hrs and a lot of questions in my head

If she wants to try that why isn't she leaving me alone
She's been hugging me and we have been cuddling and affectionate
Just yesterday she sat there telling me she loved me and we needed to sort things and work on us

I'm just so sad 
If you want to be gay and try dating women why not respect me enough to leave me alone to deal with the loss of a relationship

I'm probably rambling here but any support or wisdom would be appreciated

Ps she has told me I'm the only one who knows this 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

well to be clear she is more apt to be bisexual then gay but either way she need to seek out a counselor to help work out these feelings. you may have to some realization that your entire couple dynamics will change and you should be ready for that as well. for for the time being you should respect her feelings and and her's yours and allow you both time apart to figure out and to seek help to get you through this....try no contact for a couple weeks and then see where both of you are...how she feels about her new feelings...could you live in a relationship in which she has a female partner?


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I don't think there is a couple anymore 

She's had these thoughts for years and I didn't know
She keeps telling me sex with me isn't in her and she did with me for love and care 

I just feel kind of jilted like telling me everything was all my fault and i've been going to counselling trying to get better and lexapro thinking you wanted us to get better and now you want to be honest she's telling me it's for my own good 
Thanks

I wish you had left me alone after the house was sold not tell md you love me and txting me to come over and work in us slowly it was all bull****
I'm back to were I was two months ago 

Thanks 
Brad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

if thats where she is you need to start making yourself a new life.

File and move on or live in limbo.

you know how thats been working for you.

you need to think about you. She obviously isnt.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This is a very confusing time for both of you. However, you need to start looking out for your best interest. At this time, with her latest revelation, you need to stop with all the emotional and physical closeness to her. Stay away from her. Get your head together. Your being so close to her and depending on her is not good for you. 

Now you know there is no more "us". She has to make her own way and so do you. You start that by taking care of you. Get some IC for yourself. The boys will tell you to exercise until you are too tire to breathe. Make plans away from her. Get out of the house and interact with other people. And stop talking to her.


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

We'll it's been a week I sometimes cry about all this I understand it's like she died all the dreams and hopes are all gone
I've got in touch with a straight spouse network group I'm hoping sharing with people who have been in the same boat will understand and give me a bit of support 
I think I've been a victim of a abusive behaviour I was never about me there was nothing I could do to make things better her treatment towards me was about her and her inability to deal and using me to justify her actions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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