# Different sex drives - I dont get enough.



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

My sex drive is MUCH less than my wifes. To be honest, ideally, I'd be like 4-5 times a week but, at a guess, I'd say she'd be about once every three months (really).

Been together 20 years and its always been the same maybe a bit less these days.

To be fair to her, we have full sex about once a month, but she does this for me. Also, we do other things to satisy me about once a week. Like I said, she does this for me because she loves me.

Thing is though I would NEVER EVER EVER do anything behind my wifes back. I love her loads.

I just get so frustrated sometimes. Masturbation on my own is OK but its just not the same without some sort of involvment from my wife.

Just wonder if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what worked for them. Wonder what suggestions to make to my wife? 

I guess I've got to be careful what to suggest. LOL. Of course, satisying my urges by having an open relationship and sleeping with other women would be great (i think) but I could never, ever think of my wife sleeping with someone else (not that she could be bothered). Funnily enough, we've got friends who are swingers !!!

Thing is suggesting something like that would be very scary and might not go down too well. Also, I think I'd like to include my wife in anything if possible. Any suggestions, weird or normal?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> but I could never, ever think of my wife sleeping with someone else *(not that she could be bothered)*.


The phrase in bold should be read by every man who thinks he is in psychocandy's position. It shows a complete misunderstanding of women's sexuality. Just becuase she does not want hot steamy sex with *you*, does not mean she is sexless or does not want hot sex with *someone*. what you need to do is stop whingeing, and find out how to press her hot button. In other words, it's you who needs to change. That will then produce a change in her. This is what I had to do with myself.




psychocandy said:


> Thing is suggesting something like that would be very scary and might not go down too well. Also, I think I'd like to include my wife in anything if possible. Any suggestions, weird or normal?


So instead of fixing the problem, you want to add chaos to your life? Dude, wake up


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Mark hit it on the nose. Exactly what I was thinking. Guys who assume that their wives wouldn't get into swinging are usually surprised that their wives love sex with other people and still won't have sex with them.

I do wonder why psycho doesn't consider what she does during the week for him sex. And maybe she could step it up to twice a week.

Alternatively, she could have a checkup to see if there is something physically amiss. 

What does she say about her drive?


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

works both way for men and women i know that i can do things or dress in a way that intices my husband into bed , some days he just doesnt want to hes tired from travelling / work ... maybe i just have to learn to back off , is there a answer ? 
missmatched sex drives i guess working together to find a match inbetween  id like sex 3 times a day ! i settle for once  maybe with ages and children my sex drive will change , but for now im enjoying what i have x


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> The phrase in bold should be read by every man who thinks he is in psychocandy's position. It shows a complete misunderstanding of women's sexuality. Just becuase she does not want hot steamy sex with *you*, does not mean she is sexless or does not want hot sex with *someone*. what you need to do is stop whingeing, and find out how to press her hot button. In other words, it's you who needs to change. That will then produce a change in her. This is what I had to do with myself.
> 
> So instead of fixing the problem, you want to add chaos to your life? Dude, wake up


Mark,

You have a fair point and that is perhaps some of the answer.

However, she has ALWAYS been like this to a certain extent. Even when we were younger her sex drive wasnt as high as mine. I'm guessing she probably wouldnt have married me if she didnt fancy me at the time.

I've spoken to her and she admit she just isnt that bothered by it. And I believe her.

Fair point about the chaos thing mind...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> works both way for men and women i know that i can do things or dress in a way that intices my husband into bed , some days he just doesnt want to hes tired from travelling / work ... maybe i just have to learn to back off , is there a answer ?
> missmatched sex drives i guess working together to find a match inbetween  id like sex 3 times a day ! i settle for once  maybe with ages and children my sex drive will change , but for now im enjoying what i have x


Exactly. I'm not sure that just because a partner has a lower sex drive than you means you're doing something wrong. Admitedly, it might be.

However, in my case, I think 90% of it is that her sex drive is lower...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

There are plenty of men who learned that their wives unleash something with other men that they simply cannot or will not unleash with them.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

If you think your wife's sex drive is simply lower than yours and it has nothing to do with anything else, than just accept that fact and move on.

Personally, I'm with Mark. I think her sex drive is dormant and once you find a way to awaken the beast, you'll be the one trying to keep up with her! But like Mark said, you have to make changes for there to even be a possibility that she will change. Besides, you are the only person you can control at the end of the day. It starts with you.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

sounds so familar  is she shy holds back ? my sex drive use to be lower then my husbands mainly because i didnt know how to tell him what felt good and id never ask for sex ... with lots of help ( and yes from some people on here ) we have a rather frantic ..exciting sex life couldnt be happier  well a good baby sitter would help at times !!!! just need to find what turns her on !


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy-

You mentioned on another thread that your weight was high, especially for your height. You were going on a diet. You also said that your wife was always on at you to slim down. Any news on that front? Are you slim now?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> psychocandy-
> 
> You mentioned on another thread that your weight was high, especially for your height. You were going on a diet. You also said that your wife was always on at you to slim down. Any news on that front? Are you slim now?


Hi Mark,

You've got a good memory. Yes, I have lost a fair bit of weight. About 3 stone in total. I could probably still lose another stone but much better.

Sex life has improved from none to some because of this. However, I still think most of the problem left now is becase of the way my wife is. When we first I was looking pretty good and sex was never something that she ever wanted as much as me.

If it was just me, I doubt we'd still be together after 20 years !!! However, wouldnt swap her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You need to be careful because her drive could change over time and if you're not looking good to her, you could very well miss out on that change because she's just not attracted to you any longer.

You simply cannot measure someone in their 40s by what they were like in their 20s. Women grow into sexuality over time as their self-confidence rises and pressures of a young family are reduced.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> Hi Mark,
> 
> You've got a good memory. Yes, I have lost a fair bit of weight. About 3 stone in total. I could probably still lose another stone but much better.


Wow that's a huge improvement. I'm impressed. How did you do it so quickly? Are you still trying to lose more?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Wow that's a huge improvement. I'm impressed. How did you do it so quickly? Are you still trying to lose more?


Well, I suppose I had a fair excess to lose so it went quite quickly. MAinly just not eating crap and a bit of exercise.

Stalled a bit at the moment, and its getting tougher but want to lose some more.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

hey well done you  keep it up dont give up !!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> Stalled a bit at the moment, and its getting tougher but want to lose some more.


Yes you must. You're still heavy for your height! The only way forward now is more exercise. I am having to step up my exercise, as the older I get, the lower my metabolic rate is going. I just don't burn the fat like I used to.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

By the way, what sort of shape is your wife in. Is she slim? How old?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> By the way, what sort of shape is your wife in. Is she slim? How old?



Put on a bit of weight lately. A bit overweight I'd say. 37.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Back to the original question. What do others in my situation do? (i.e. partner doesnt want/need sex as much as you) Mainly thinking of fellas here...

For instance, does your wife perform other services in addition to full sex to keep you happy? Is there anything she will do at any time so you're fulfilled? For instance, my wife wont want full sex more than about once a month, but she is happy to provide some relief to me on a weekly basis (because she says its less hassle). 

I know some of you will say you need to sort sex life but the fact of the matter is there are some people who have a lower sex drive.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My husband has the lower drive. But it is nowhere near what your wife is like. When things weren't going well, honestly, I would get very moody and then we'd fight and things would improve. 

I honestly don't see how your wife could argue that a hand or mouth is "less hassle" because it is still involved. She just doesn't want you in/on her. But does she allow you to touch her when she's doing this? 

From what I understand, other guys either help themselves and learn to be happy with what they get or they become resentful and angry until one or the other partner eventually leaves or steps out. Occasionally couples work it out where the lower desire partner meets the higher desire partner in the middle. That's ideal. 

Also, during the once/month when she'll go full on, do you also get the add'l service or is it either/or?

It really must suck for you. But at least she's willing. And you should be very thankful for that.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

dobo said:


> My husband has the lower drive. But it is nowhere near what your wife is like. When things weren't going well, honestly, I would get very moody and then we'd fight and things would improve.
> 
> I honestly don't see how your wife could argue that a hand or mouth is "less hassle" because it is still involved. She just doesn't want you in/on her. But does she allow you to touch her when she's doing this?
> 
> ...


Aye. At least she tries.

I'd never leave her because of this though. Shes got so much other stuff I love about her as well.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

P andy your right it isnt all just about sex , its about a whole lot of other things ... What matters is that you r happy .. are you ? you just need to unlock her hiddern sex drive i really belive that its just finding that button .


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> I know some of you will say you need to sort sex life but the fact of the matter is there are some people who have a lower sex drive.


Have you ever thought of turning the problem on it's head? Has it occurred to you that your are not pressing her hot button? Instead of trying to get more blood out of a stone, this is your best solution: Work out what sort of man she finds hot, and be that man. If you can't, then you are likely to stay as you are or get worse.

Basically you have to work on yourself, work on yourself, work on yourself. That is why I asked you about your weight. Imagine she did not know you. Would she pick you out of a line-up of different looking guys? If you feel you would not have a fair chance, then you have work to do.

You may say that familiarity can make up for other things. It can, but it can also count against you. Women are like a very delicate set of scales. They way up all your plus and minus points, and the amount you come out on the plus side dictates how wet she gets when she sees you.

So if you want to make changes, pick the big ones:
#1 Be firm and manly. Say No when you mean no, don't settle. This doesn't mean being mean. You can be fair.

#2 Don't be controlling. If you have a tendency towards micro-managing every detail, stop it at once!

#3 Increase your Testosterone level by going down the gym and masturbating less.

Do you get my drift? Instead of begging for sex, simply become sexy. You can do it.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

Mark those few tips would work in my book nothing better then a man working out at the gym !! love the smell of my hubbie when he gets home


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## QuitaBee (Aug 11, 2009)

Some people's drives are just different and will remain that way. I do know that we ARE different people WITH different people. So with her it just might take some more work!! I tried alot with my estranged until I just realized he didnt want it as much as I did or when I did, he never did anything to appease me or because I wanted to, so thats a PLUS that your wife will, she cares!! 

Just be patient and try new things!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

katie jane said:


> Mark those few tips would work in my book nothing better then a man working out at the gym !! love the smell of my hubbie when he gets home


Yeah, I love the smell of fresh sweat too. People are always trying to cover up one smell with another. Let it all hang out I say


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## melvis (Oct 29, 2009)

I just responded to a question similar to this except it was the wife complaining about the husband not being interested in sex anymore. My answer here is a little different, because women stop having sex for different reasons. 
I would talk to her about your performance. I know that's difficult for a man to do, but if you initiate the conversation and make her feel comfortable enough to tell you what she's feeling, that will make a big difference. Typically for women, its lack of stimulation by the man that causes the problem. And its not always physical stimulation either. If you aren't a good lover, you can learn, there are plenty of books out there. But just make sure you buy a book written by a WOMAN. A man writing about female sexual desires isn't as accurate. 
If that doesn't work, then you have two options: 
1. Live with it
2. Leave
Just as I said before, if the desire to make it work isn't there, then why should you stay? Many people do for financial reasons, or young children which is understandable. But if its bad enuff that you have to sit down and write about it, its time to do something about it!


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Have you ever thought of turning the problem on it's head? Has it occurred to you that your are not pressing her hot button? Instead of trying to get more blood out of a stone, this is your best solution: Work out what sort of man she finds hot, and be that man. If you can't, then you are likely to stay as you are or get worse.
> 
> Basically you have to work on yourself, work on yourself, work on yourself. That is why I asked you about your weight. Imagine she did not know you. Would she pick you out of a line-up of different looking guys? If you feel you would not have a fair chance, then you have work to do.
> 
> ...


MT - Good advice as per usual. thanks.

As for whether she would pick me out of a line up if she didnt know me. Probably not. :-(


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

katie jane said:


> Mark those few tips would work in my book nothing better then a man working out at the gym !! love the smell of my hubbie when he gets home


Dont think my wife would like this !!!! If I came home without having a shower she'd kick me out....


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

dobo said:


> I honestly don't see how your wife could argue that a hand or mouth is "less hassle" because it is still involved. She just doesn't want you in/on her. But does she allow you to touch her when she's doing this?
> 
> It really must suck for you. But at least she's willing. And you should be very thankful for that.


LOL. Pretty much always hand. Hers or mine with her body involved. (I've got a bit of a thing for that).

I guess her argument is that it takes 5 mins and requires just a little involvement on her part. 

She does allow me to touch her a little but she says it does nothing for her.

Shes been on anti-depressents for last 9 months and thats certainly not helped her sex drive (as they are prone to do).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> As for whether she would pick me out of a line up if she didnt know me. Probably not. :-(


Then you either need to work on that, or move on! That's my last word on the subject. (For now).


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