# No Sex and I can feel myself detaching



## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Deleted


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Good lord why the hell are you still married to a man who clearly doesn't give a sh!t about how you feel?

Wake up woman!

Start packing!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I can understand the detachment.

I'm not saying it's your fault but it may be this... He has ED. Sex is probably not very satisfying to him. In fact he may be embarrassed by it. The Cialis may work, may not work. He may have tried it without you knowing and it didn't help. So to save further embarrassment in bed, he'll watch porn and get himself off.

Whether all this is true or not, why don't you assume it is. Maybe start by watching porn with him, helping him in getting off. Make it a couples thing. Try to see if engaging him that way at least leads to more intimacy with him, reduces possible embarrassment and gets him closer to you.

If he used to satisfy you in bed, one way or another, see if he can resume that. Encourage him and let him know how satisfied you are when he's finished with you (even if you aren't... it's small steps you need to take).

And give him a hug or a kiss just because. Nothing expected in return. Again, baby steps to try to move closer.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You act toward your husband the same way my wife acts toward me...for the whole duration of our marriage. I began thinking that's just the way that women are. I've "detached" from her years ago.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

why in the world would you have to make a choice to his question "would you rather be loved and cherished or f*cked"?, your response she be that one should not have to make a choice you should expect all three from a loving spouse and if he can not fill the bill you are ready to find someone else who can.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I have sympathy for addicts, and if it was just porn addition I would understand. But this is more "loved and cherished" or "fcked" - WTF??? That is a completely separate issue. That suggests that he has a very distorted view of what sex should be like in a loving relationship. 

There is nothing wrong, and in fact everything right about loving and cherishing someone, having lots of casual intimacy AND having wild enthusiastic adventurous sex. 

His behavior is completely unreasonable. 

DO NOT resign yourself to never having a loving intimate relationship. That is something everyone should have. Instead figure out how you will get one - maybe with him, or if not then leave and find someone else.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

One of these days I am going to invent an app for women to install on their phone. It detects porn on your home network and then asks if you want to temporarily throttle speeds.

You can also accomplish this naturally by streaming HD video from a premium provider such as Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, or Apple as those companies all pay premium fees to deliver their data directly to your ISP's doorstep where as porn usually has to travel from an overseas server. So in terms of data congestion, this is like shining a flashlight right in someone's eyes when they are trying see something else from across the room. What ever is closer will shine through! 

If that does not work, stream premium HD content to your TV & PHONE at the SAME time. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

badsanta said:


> One of these days I am going to invent an app for women to install on their phone. It detects porn on your home network and then asks if you want to temporarily throttle speeds.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Get an "untangle" router.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Sounds like it's all over bar the shouting. I was in a similar situation to you. I spent the first couple of years desperately trying to get my H to have sex with me (didn't even get it on honeymoon) and then decided not to bother any more. That was about a year ago and in the meantime I've lost all my feelings for my H. There are other problems too with his drinking and anger issues and without any intimacy to keep me interested, I lost all interest in trying to sort out the other issues. Things came to a head a few months ago when he pushed me in anger and I told him I wanted a divorce. He's tried everything to stop me - emotional blackmail, gaslighting, shouting, crying, guilt tripping me and all it's done is prove to me what a thoroughly unpleasant man he is. I don't retaliate or respond any more - I refuse to lower myself to his level. He also doesn't work, spends all day every day lying on the bed watching tv, despite the fact that we live overseas on one of the most beautiful islands on the planet - so much to see and do and appreciate .

Last week I found a small house to rent, a friend has lent me the money to cover the first couple of months. Without my H to support financially, I'll be able to pay my friend back, my living costs will be much lower as I'm quite frugal compared with my H. I've been packing my stuff since then and am moving into my new place next Wednesday. It's a tiny little house, one room upstairs and a kitchen/living room downstairs with the teeniest shower room you can imagine. However, there are balconies on both floors with a view of the mountains and the coast. And, it's mine - I'm really looking forward to reclaiming my life and facing a much happier future on my own. I can't afford a divorce yet, but am not bothered by that. In my mind, I'm now single and independent once again and can go back to being me, rather than the miserable and often frightened excuse for a woman that I've been for so long.

OP, start planning to get out now and don't look back. A life without love is no life at all. At least if you're on your own, you can love and respect yourself.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Thank you for all the compassionate responses



Chris Taylor said:


> I can understand the detachment.
> 
> Whether all this is true or not, why don't you assume it is. Maybe start by watching porn with him, helping him in getting off. Make it a couples thing. Try to see if engaging him that way at least leads to more intimacy with him, reduces possible embarrassment and gets him closer to you.


I don't have to assume it is true, I know that it is. He has admitted as much. Believe me , we have gone down the "baby steps" road with counseling both IC and together but he was never really committed. It is severe performance anxiety and a very deep seated fear of intimacy. The thing is, I am past caring about the why. I have no doubt that he loves me and even don't doubt he finds me desirable, but so what? It is kind of like saying I have a $1M in the bank but I can't buy any food with it...but I really want to and wish I could, so you don't have any right to be hungry.



> But this is more "loved and cherished" or "fcked" - WTF??? That is a completely separate issue. That suggests that he has a very distorted view of what sex should be like in a loving relationship.


I agree, which is why when he said that I realized I have just been beating my head against the wall all this time. 

doobie, I am sorry for what you are also going through but I think one difference in our situations is that in a lot of ways, most ways, actually he is a very considerate and loving man. I respect him in many ways and we, until lately anyway, truly enjoyed each other's company. But without that physical connection that separates a marriage from a friendship...the "in love" just eventually fades away. I have been fighting that for years and I am just weary of it.
It is kind of ironic, in my first marriage the sex was always there...it was everything else that s*cked. Be careful of what you ask for :crying: I hope everything comes out well for you.

Don't know where I will go from here. Leaving anytime within the next couple of months would be difficult. My daughter is getting married next month and his daughter is getting married early next year. For different reasons, both of them would take us splitting up very hard and I don't want to poison what should be a happy time for them with our drama. Right now I am just incredibly sad and in a way, mourning my marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Forgive me for saying so, but it sounds like he detached quite a while ago, so you'd be detaching from a dream and not from an actual relationship. You have a roommate. Whatever he's getting out of the relationship, it isn't taking care of his emotional or sexual needs or he wouldn't be chatting up other women and looking at porn while his wife twists in the wind. Ok, he's got ED. He also has a prescription he's not taking. There are loads of doctors, counselors, therapists he's not going to. He's got hands, he's got a mouth. He knows you're deprived. He has the ability to do something about it and he chooses to watch porn and tend to his own gratification instead. Why would you not detach from that arrangement? Is there some reason not to?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wringo123 said:


> I have given up. Been together about 8 years and he (or should I say we?) has suffered from a pretty extreme case of ED the whole time. In the beginning, it didn't get in the way as we found other ways to make each other happy, but as the honeymoon phase wore off....that has stopped entirely. Months, years even with no sexual activity at all. He has had a prescription for Cialis for quite a while, just never takes it.
> 
> He has a porn habit, which I believe is a full blown addiction. He won't address it, doesn't understand how it makes me feel that he obviously is interested in sex, just not in having it with me. I also caught him having a very inappropriate FB conversation with a female friend of his. That crushed me. *The last discussion we had about it, he asked me "would you rather be loved and cherished or f*cked"?* I just gave up then and told him to do whatever he wants I don't care anymore. I am tired of dealing with the whole thing. He can flirt with anybody he wants. look at anybody and anything he wants. I am done.
> 
> ...


Perfect reply...

"What's with this 'OR' bullsh*t? Why can't I be loved, cherished, AND f*cked?!?"


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Perfect reply...
> 
> "What's with this 'OR' bullsh*t? Why can't I be loved, cherished, AND f*cked?!?"


I know, right? I love my wife. I cherish my wife...and I can't keep my hands off her as a result of my feelings for her. I love it when I get "lost" in her arms.

I'm sorry you're in the situation that you are @wringo123, but unfortunately I have to agree with most of what this community is saying. As much as I love it when couples work through their problems and stay together, I don't see much hope here unless he is willing to acknowledge....AND OWN...that he has issues he needs to work on. Unless that occurs, perhaps it is time to move on. 

*hugs*


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> He has the ability to do something about it and he chooses to watch porn and tend to his own gratification instead.



That right there is what is at the core of my resentment. If it was truly something that he could not control or at least make an effort at improving...I think I could handle that. It is the lack of effort that is so crushing. 

As for what has kept me here this long? He has been very good to me and for me in a lot of ways. In the beginning, he pursued me aggressively, but respectfully if you know what I mean. Just in a way that made me feel very special and desirable and left no doubt in my mind that he was attracted to me, but not in a creepy way. As time went on he was (and still is) very emotionally supportive, considerate and loving. That was literally something I never ever had either as a child or as an adult. I was a few years out of a borderline abusive marriage and was pretty beat up emotionally. Went from a upper middle class SAHM to working minimum wage single mom of three teenagers. 

I know it sounds stupid to say, but in every other way, he is pretty much the perfect husband. LOL, he tells me all the time there is nothing he wouldn't do for me and all I can think of is the Meatloaf song...he'd do anything for love, but he won't do THAT (guess I'm dating myself)

Anyway, that is how I have rationalized it, but after the FB flirting and how he reacted to my confronting him about it, I just can't rationalize it anymore. In a way, sort of doing an unintentional 180 just trying to get to a place where the thought of leaving isn't worse than the idea of staying. Not sure I am there yet, but it is happening

I am in TN too, btw:smile2:


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

wringo123 said:


> It is the lack of effort that is so crushing.





True for me, too. Or it was. Not so much the case now. 



It got easier as I came to believe primarily it's not me, it's her evasive/avoidant personality. For her to put effort in to trying to be intimate with me, say beyond 5 minutes per year, she would have to be emotionally uncomfortable and face things about herself and I that she does not want to be reminded of. 



As long as she manages to evade the realities, there is no effort that comes to her mind to do.



Time has shown me that whenever I seek to raise awareness there is a problem, there will be hell to pay. I will hear all kinds of rationalizations as to why I am not worthy of the effort, subtly delivered and not so subtly. I hope that doesn't happen to you. Guard against it by seeing it for what it is.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

wringo123 said:


> That right there is what is at the core of my resentment. If it was truly something that he could not control or at least make an effort at improving...I think I could handle that. It is the lack of effort that is so crushing.
> 
> As for what has kept me here this long? He has been very good to me and for me in a lot of ways. In the beginning, he pursued me aggressively, but respectfully if you know what I mean. Just in a way that made me feel very special and desirable and left no doubt in my mind that he was attracted to me, but not in a creepy way. As time went on he was (and still is) very emotionally supportive, considerate and loving. That was literally something I never ever had either as a child or as an adult. I was a few years out of a borderline abusive marriage and was pretty beat up emotionally. Went from a upper middle class SAHM to working minimum wage single mom of three teenagers.
> 
> ...


He tells you there's nothing he won't do for you? Do you bust out laughing when he does? How delusional can he be to be looking at the wife he hasn't made love to for months, with his mind stuffed full of porn, his OW on speed dial, hearing those words fall out of his own pie hole? I'm sorry, but if someone can and won't tend to the very basic minimal physical needs of their spouse, they aren't a good person. They are a selfish person who exploits and dehumanizes others.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're in TN? Maybe your husband needs to start taking care of business. There are other men in this state who haven't lost their genitalia.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Please don't make the mistake I and many others made of brushing this off and waking up one day 20 years down the road realizing life has passed you by while you were so unhappy every day. You would be much happier divorced and free to find someone sexually compatible. Sure it won't be a fun process but as they say it's worth it. Good luck.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I also cannot help but wonder if the ED is because of the porn habit.

My ex husband has a porn problem too and when he was using it more (although he denied it) it did affect how erect he could get with me.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Seems like all that's left for you to do is leave. If you have spoken to him and had discussions about it and he is unwilling to change or even try, you have done all you could.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

I don't know if the porn is the symptom or cause of the ED, but based on other things he has told me, I believe it is the symptom. He told me not too long ago that the allure of porn is that there is no expectations...then he just shut down and wouldn't talk about it anymore.

Reading over some of these posts, I am struck by how some posters seem to be so much more angry at him than even I am. Makes me wonder what that says about me. I am not angry at him, I do not hate him and I don't have any resentment. Even with the issues we have, I would marry him again. There has been so much more positive about our relationship than this one negative, even though it is a whopper negative. It is just that I am tired of being the only one in this relationship that understands the importance of the physical side of a marriage...it isn't just the sex. It the closeness and the bonding and feeling desired. That is the food that feeds a romantic relationship. I am not sure if he truly does not understand that or just wants to pretend its not true because it keeps him from having to be truly intimate with someone. I lean toward the latter...I really believe it is a pathological fear of true intimacy. 

I have spent the last several years trying to avoid what I knew in my heart was eventually going to happen. Even if one of us didn't end up cheating, the lack of physical intimacy would eventually result in us just being roommates. I have quit fighting the inevitable and am just letting nature take its course. 

I haven't checked his ipad lately...used to do that on a regular basis to see how much and what type of porn he was looking at. I don't know why, I always knew what I would find and it just ended up making me feel worse. But I really have no desire or temptation to know or to torture myself that way. I just don't care. I guess that is progress.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

What was this fb conversation about? He seems like a total ahole, btw.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Gouge_away,

It was a female friend he had before we met who lives in the northeast (we live in the SE), but the conversation started after we were together. There were only about 12-15 messages over the course of about a year and half....most of it was just meaningless chit chat, but there were several that were some pretty aggressive flirting on both their parts. A couple of summers ago she was driving cross country (she is a teacher and apparently that is how she spends her summers). She was camping in a national park not far from us and dh asked if she could stay a night at our house a night after her camping trip. I didn't think anything of it and said sure. We were at work when she arrived and she messaged dh asking where the key was and said she couldn't wait to take a shower. He responded with the location of the key and asked her if she needed someone to wash her back...she responded that he could check her for ticks. There was also a few messages where she was talking about having broken up with her SO (who my husband was also friends with) and dh told her that before she and the SO got together, he had wanted to ask her out, and if the SO hadn't beaten him to it and he hadn't met me...who knows? 

I was using his ipad and it opened up to facebook. She was scheduled to stop again at our house on another cross country trip and when I saw there was a conversation thread, I opened it up, mostly just to double check when she was coming. It had never occurred to me to check on his FB conversations before. There weren't really that many messages, they took place over an extended period and the context was obvious that they weren't meeting or communicating regularly outside of facebook so I don't believe it was anything more than just flirting, but it hurt just the same. What hurt the most was how he tried to minimize and tell me I was wrong to be upset....same old line...we were just kidding...didn't mean anything...I got the wrong . Eventually he acknowledged how inappropriate it was and that had a right to be upset, but it didn't feel sincere to me. He unfriended her, but I know he resents it. If was the last straw for me.

Based only on what I have told people on here, I don't blame people for thinking he is an azz, but he truly is not. I am fully aware of his shortcomings, but I also know those don't define him totally.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Many lines crossed there.
He doesn't see it. I don't think that will ever change, your going to be fighting his worst discernment forever. His back washing conversation is exactly what leads to an affair, its my opinion, that is exactly where he was going with the correspondences on fb.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

I know boundaries were crossed and unfortunately there is no going back. I am not sure which is worse....that he didn't realize how inappropriate was or he did and did it anyway. Either way it has broken something that I don't want to even try and fix. The porn was bad enough but it was still "fantasy". That he could talk to another woman...and this woman...in particular like that while making no effort what so ever to make me feel desired that way...I dont even know how to explain how bad that hurt.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you ever asked your husband how he would feel if you just got your needs met somewhere else?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

What I need is for my husband to want me, unfortunately he is the only one that can meet that need for me :-(


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