# My wife is a lesbian?



## Kendal (Jul 1, 2011)

My wife and I have a very open relationship in terms of communication and honesty. Years ago, I established my "Big X's" which were unforgivable or deal breakers. They were: 1. forcing me to choose between her and my family until such a point we had our own family. 2. Exchanging bodily fluids with a male, or coming into direct contact with male genitals outside of a professional/clinical setting/purpose. 3. Consistent/repeated behavior that risks the life of self or lives of others.

Well, tonight was an interesting sequence of events.

After a few drinks at a local brewery, my wife and I as well as two of her girlfriends came home to watch a movie. They started to do back rubs and my wife told me to go to the other room and play on my computer. After about 30 minutes, I went in to check on them and all three were naked in bed together. My wife said she was just going to sleep and they were going to cuddle. 

This made me feel very uncomfortable and sad. My stomach was in a knot and I felt betrayed. After another 15 minutes of debating whether or not my feelings were legitimate as well as if I was justified in speaking up, I decided that I should at least say something. I returned to the room and it was still the same scene, and I told my wife that I felt uncomfortable with this level of intimacy. She asked if I wanted her to do anything, and I said that I wasn't going to stop her from being who she wanted to be, and left.

Another 30 minutes later, I went to check in on them to see my wife fingering her friend who was also fingering the other friend. I told my wife that I couldn't handle it and she stopped and got out of the bed. We both returned to another bedroom and we talked about it.

She thought that I didn't want her to be touched, but that it was okay for her to touch others. I said that I felt uncomfortable about the situation and sad that she was okay with putting herself in such a position. She said she didn't feel bad and said that if I hadn't said anything she would still be in the other room fingering her friend. This made me even more sad.

Now, the reason I am posting this is because I am confused. On one hand, I wish my wife wasn't the type of person who would be in that sort of position - I want her to be conservative and see intimacy as something sacred and private. But on the other hand, I love her because she is the type of person who loves to love and is very sensual and outgoing. I can't have it both ways...

Now, I know that having a bisexual wife is a fantasy for some men, so I have 2 things that I would like some feedback on.

1. Was I right to stand up for myself and try to change who my wife is, even though we have established rules that she did not technically break? 

2. Is there a way to wrap my head around the idea of having my wife being intimate with other women? Sleeping with them instead of me, and using them as a source of physical release rather than me? Is that something that I should try to accept due to it being a popular fantasy for men?


Any additional feedback would be helpful. I am extremely confused about all of this.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Kendal said:


> My wife and I have a very open relationship in terms of communication and honesty. Years ago, I established my "Big X's" which were unforgivable or deal breakers. They were: 1. forcing me to choose between her and my family until such a point we had our own family. 2. Exchanging bodily fluids with a male, or coming into direct contact with male genitals outside of a professional/clinical setting/purpose. 3. Consistent/repeated behavior that risks the life of self or lives of others.
> 
> Well, tonight was an interesting sequence of events.
> 
> ...


It's definitely time to redefine the nature of your relationship especially with the way she was indifferent to your objection.

To be honest, I'd have ****ed all three of them and left.


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## Kendal (Jul 1, 2011)

Is that really something you could do? Just willy nilly? I mean... I guess it is just bodily functions. Parts are parts. Yea, I can see the validity of that argument.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Kendal said:


> Is that really something you could do? Just willy nilly? I mean... I guess it is just bodily functions. Parts are parts. Yea, I can see the validity of that argument.


What's good for the goose. 

If you want to stay married to her, cool, but don't take any **** from her. If you decide to divorce, though, not ****ing them would give you more ammo in court even though the family courts are stacked against men anyway so good luck there but I wouldn't have if that was my course of action. 

Listen, you probably couldn't have done it because you were too disgusted by the scene maybe but, even when I was a mangina or what jackasses call a "Nice Guy" or "Beta Male", immediate emotional detachment was always a gift of mine especially when that person that I was attached to does something to that extreme. To me, once she broke her sacred vows, she's just another ***** like the rest of them.


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## Kendal (Jul 1, 2011)

You have given me some thing to think about. Thank you. I suppose maybe I am a mangina as well...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Kendal said:


> Is there a way to wrap my head around the idea of having my wife being intimate with other women? Sleeping with them instead of me, and using them as a source of physical release rather than me? Is that something that I should try to accept due to it being a popular fantasy for men?


Infidelity is infidelity, whether it be with the opposite sex or the same sex. It makes no difference. It's already cheating when she's getting her sexual needs met with someone else who is not her husband.

She's already crossed the line into cheating, justifying it by doing with a woman instead of man, that its not cheating. The think is, do you want to always be looking over your shoulder for an OM, or in your case, an OW also?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Kendal said:


> My wife and I have a very open relationship in terms of communication and honesty. Years ago, I established my "Big X's" which were unforgivable or deal breakers. They were: 1. forcing me to choose between her and my family until such a point we had our own family. 2. Exchanging bodily fluids with a male, or coming into direct contact with male genitals outside of a professional/clinical setting/purpose. 3. Consistent/repeated behavior that risks the life of self or lives of others.
> 
> Well, tonight was an interesting sequence of events.
> 
> ...


You left the room when your wife told you to go and play on the computer!!! That sort of thing doesn’t really happen, does it?

Come over to the Men’s Clubhouse, start by reading http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't like that she treated you badly by telling you to go play on the computer. She dismissed you without any discussion about why. She did not ask about taking care of her needs and was very quick to dismiss your needs with no consideration at all. Like she expected you to be a light switch. 

That is what troubling. Not that she is an open lesbian in your marriage but that she is SELFISH AND UNCARING about you. That is the dealbreaker, not her sexual orientation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes it was right of you to stand up for yourself. She cheated on you in your own home. 

So what are you going to do?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Yes, this is very wrong. It is one thing to plan to have a foursome with your agreement, but quite another to be diddling her girlfriends while asking you to take a hike. You guys need couples counseling because the whole scene you played out sounds really dysfunctional. 

Another comment you made I found odd as well - that you told her you didn't want her to make you choose between her and your family until you had kids. That also speaks of some level of dysfunction. When you marry, your wife IS your family and should be top priority. Your comment makes me think you have intrusive, controlling parents who make you show loyalty to THEM first. That is not healthy.

Time for therapy to sort all this out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

For whatever reason, you defined some funky rules based on an open relationship with honesty and communication. For most couples, things are implicit when it comes to what levels of intimacy are acceptable, rather than being explicitly spelled out. But that was your decision, based on how you felt at the time.

Now you're changing the rules. It seems like the two of you need to re-open your discussion, and hopefully you can calmly discuss how you both feel, and what you want out of the relationship. Use that open and honest communication. It doesn't matter than having a bi-sexual wife might be the fantasy of many guys. It's how you both feel that counts. Heck, just because it's a fantasy of many guys doesn't mean they can all expect their wives to bring home a female playmate to show off with! 

Based on what you described, your wife thought she was abiding by your rules, so why should she have felt bad for doing what she was doing? Until you spoke up and said it bothered you, that is. At that point, did she stop? I mean, if my stbx-wife said that I could do anything I like except have intercourse with another woman, then I should be able to do anything BUT that with anyone I like, and not expect to be made to feel guilty about it. If she hadn't defined the rules explicitly, then I wouldn't have thought having oral sex with another woman was acceptable. But by explicitly spelling out what WAS NOT allowed, everything else should be ok, right?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Maybe he never thought he'd have to spell out that being with another woman was not ok with him because he didn't think she swung that way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

^ I dunno... If you explicitly say no exchanging bodily fluids with a male or contact with male genitilia, that seems pretty clear to me... If it wasn't worded that way, I'd agree that it would be assumed that female contact was not allowed, as well as male.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I see wher eyou are going with that but maybe he felt he didn't HAVE to tell her cheating with any gender is not acceptable in clear terms since he didn't think she was into sex with women...

Kinda like not telling your partner you're not down with them clearing out your entire bank account. 

Most people wouldn't think you'd have to explicitly say those words because its considered an obvious thing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I see wher eyou are going with that but maybe he felt he didn't HAVE to tell her cheating with any gender is not acceptable in clear terms since he didn't think she was into sex with women...
> 
> Kinda like not telling your partner you're not down with them clearing out your entire bank account.
> 
> Most people wouldn't think you'd have to explicitly say those words because its considered an obvious thing.


Ah, but if your partner said explicitly to leave at least $200 in the bank account, and you spent down to $205, then should your partner get mad at you when his check for $250 bounces?

I'm sticking with the idea that if things are spelled out explicitly with "open and honest communication", anything not defined as off limits is acceptable. At the very least, if something happens that wasn't off limits, then a rational discussion should be possible. It sounds like they handled things reasonably well, to be honest. And if they need to redefine the "rules" because when reality hits, then there should be no grudges on either side (ideally). But he shouldn't necessarily let her fooling around with women go simply because it's "every guys" fantasy. They should be talking about their situation and their feelings, not anyone else's.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

chances are he was perfectly clear about the male part of this ultimatum for a reason, or several... 

obviously pointing out the 'male' part, there was some awareness that ur wife had some attraction to women...

why you pointed out the male thing when u explained this?

a wrestling match subconciously... between some deep turn-on or openness to the idea of your wife an another women, even possibly a scenario in your head where you were somehow involved in this? vs. the betrayal of your wife sharing intimacy with someone other than you? It is a common fantasy for men... 

it wouldnt be unusual to not be sure how you felt about that... something carnal that may have said "hhhmmmmm"... which caused you to make a clausal statement in your explaination of what you considered "deal breaker" ?

I don't know?, I do know that was not an accident or oversite when you gave her a gender based definition of deal breaker... right?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

AFEH said:


> *You left the room when your wife told you to go and play on the computer!!! That sort of thing doesn’t really happen, does it?
> *
> Come over to the Men’s Clubhouse, start by reading http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

When I found them naked together some folks were getting thrown out of the house right then and there. The back rubbing may or may not have been fine. I guess I would had to be there to know.

This was a fantasy. Right?


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

PBear said:


> Ah, but if your partner said explicitly to leave at least $200 in the bank account, and you spent down to $205, then should your partner get mad at you when his check for $250 bounces?
> 
> I'm sticking with the idea that if things are spelled out explicitly with "open and honest communication", anything not defined as off limits is acceptable. At the very least, if something happens that wasn't off limits, then a rational discussion should be possible. It sounds like they handled things reasonably well, to be honest. And if they need to redefine the "rules" because when reality hits, then there should be no grudges on either side (ideally). But he shouldn't necessarily let her fooling around with women go simply because it's "every guys" fantasy. They should be talking about their situation and their feelings, not anyone else's.
> 
> ...


Bottom line is that she cheated on him, it sounds as if a lot of you are rationalizing it like she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

PBear said:


> Ah, but if your partner said explicitly to leave at least $200 in the bank account, and you spent down to $205, then should your partner get mad at you when his check for $250 bounces?
> 
> I'm sticking with the idea that if things are spelled out explicitly with "open and honest communication", anything not defined as off limits is acceptable. At the very least, if something happens that wasn't off limits, then a rational discussion should be possible. It sounds like they handled things reasonably well, to be honest. And if they need to redefine the "rules" because when reality hits, then there should be no grudges on either side (ideally). But he shouldn't necessarily let her fooling around with women go simply because it's "every guys" fantasy. They should be talking about their situation and their feelings, not anyone else's.
> 
> ...


Is anyone else reminded of the Brady Bunch episode in which Greg gets into a disagreement with Mike and Carol about following their wishes, but he makes a big to-do about abiding by their exact words, fully understanding the intent behind those words and going against their intent while still following their exact words?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kendal (Jul 1, 2011)

This has all been very interesting. Thank you for your perspectives. 

I specified male because of territorial instincts. Female was left undefined due to the curiosity of someday having a 3-way with another female. 

I think I've decided not to be upset about it, and rather be okay with it, with the small amendment that I cannot be discharged from the scenario. 

However, I still have lingering notions that this is dysfunctional and may end up dooming the relationship in the long run.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> When I found them naked together some folks were getting thrown out of the house right then and there. The back rubbing may or may not have been fine. I guess I would had to be there to know.
> 
> This was a fantasy. Right?


I must say I am wondering about that myself. And that didn't sound strange to you. And then you left and came back, left and came back again. NO like he said ppl were getting the eff outta my house at that point and she sure as heck would be one of them. 
I MEAN IN YOUR HOME, WITH YOU THERE. If this is real then there had to be a reason she felt that this was going to be ok with you to have sex with two women in your house with you in the next rm. Cuddling my butt. I don't cuddle with my sisters or mother and for sure not naked.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Kendal said:


> However, I still have lingering notions that this is dysfunctional and may end up dooming the relationship in the long run.


lol. Of course it will! 

But, it's likely doomed anyway. I mean C'mon... How do you see this playing out? Really?


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## smartblondie02 (Jun 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> chances are he was perfectly clear about the male part of this ultimatum for a reason, or several...
> 
> obviously pointing out the 'male' part, there was some awareness that ur wife had some attraction to women...
> 
> ...





Kendal said:


> This has all been very interesting. Thank you for your perspectives.
> 
> I specified male because of territorial instincts. Female was left undefined due to the curiosity of someday having a 3-way with another female.
> 
> ...


Yeah, this is not ok. Being a lesbian myself, I can tell you that what your wife did WAS SEX, not just some intimate touching. Your wife had intimate physical relations outside your marriage, and will do so again if ground rules are not clearly set that include females. Now, if your wife is a lesbian, it should be obvious to you, or it will become so quickly. Do yourself a favor and ask her. Tell her that if she is, you'd like to get on with your life with a heterosexual woman. If not, boundaries need to be set. I think perhaps you are in a little bit of denial. She had sex in your house while you were in the other room, after she asked you to leave so she could engage in this behavior. Whatever arguments she is trying to make, to make it seem ok, are smokescreens and excuses. She has little consideration for you. You need to be taking this more seriously, in my opinion. It is possible she was exercising a fantasy of hers, and isn't really a lesbian, but she engaged in the activity without discussing it with you first. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN MAN! Your marriage will be doomed if you just lie down and allow her free reign to be with women - I guarantee that it will spread to men before long. If you're not ok with an open relationship, then put your foot down, now. I would make sure that there isn't a EA involved too, because if that's the case, then there is a lot more going on here and this situation will be more complex for you to recover from if you want to save your marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Kendal said:


> This has all been very interesting. Thank you for your perspectives.
> 
> I specified male because of territorial instincts. Female was left undefined due to the curiosity of someday having a 3-way with another female.
> 
> ...


Personally, I think it's pretty telling about your relationship that you had to define any of this. I guess I just figured that for most people, sexual contact with anyone (of either gender) was not cool. And if a 3-way was going to happen, it would likely be a fairly planned thing with the two of you involved in the process.

And this is coming from someone who cheated in their marriage... We didn't feel the need to explicitly spell out what was or wasn't allowed. It didn't stop me from doing the wrong thing, but I sure wouldn't try to claim a lack of understanding of right and wrong...

C


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When you took your wedding vows, where did it mention, mge., as a 3some

What's the diff. whether she is having sex with men, or women, SHE IS HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER BEING---IT IS INAPPROPRIATE

What is to keep her from eventually falling in love with one of these other women, and falling out of love with you, which ends your mge., as it now exists

You will do what you want, it is your life---but your mge., and family are deeply in harm's way.

In your beginning para.---your wife told you to get out of the room---to leave them alone-----since when would you take orders like that knowing full well, something illicit, was gonna go on---otherwise why would you need to leave----You had better wake up, your mge., just may blow up on you---and you are just watching it all go down, as you do nothing about it.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

My 3 rules marriage dealbreakers were:
1. Affairs of any kind
2. Drug addictions
3. Lesbian

Here I am after finding out my wife had multiple affairs including women... because my kids need a stable parent and ideally stable parents. There is something in me that rebels at the notion of giving up even though every part of me is screaming to do just that. 

You've taken some flack on this thread from others. I personally think that you're trying to justify your wife's behavior as her following your rules when in truth, she was having an orgy right in front of your face. I think you've left out some parts of the story too because... how:
- Do you end up playing computer games while she's getting into a naked 3some?
- Does she do this openly in front of you without you knowing in advance that it's going to happen?
- Does something like this even happen?

Did she have rules too that included allgirl playtime?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The bottom line is that she was cheating on you. She dismissed you to go play on a computer like you are a little boy and that you should not bother her. Her behavior toward you was absolutely degrading and humiliating. Her attitude was totally disrespecting to you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Time to redefine your relationship. Either you have a monogamous relationship or not. By the way women are 10 times at greater risk of catching aids then men are. You need to have a full discussion what you expect your marriage and relationship to be. If she wants an open relationship and you do not then it is time to see an attorney. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wonder what happened. It's clear she didn't/doesn't respect him as an equal her dismissing him so she can cheat shows that clearly. I wonder if he grew a pair during the summer and dealt with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Kendal said:


> 1. Was I right to stand up for myself and try to change who my wife is, even though we have established rules that she did not technically break?


You were not only right to stand up for yourself, you took to long to do it. When you get married you change who the other person is because they cannot have intimacy with anyone else male or female. Bisexuals do not get a free ride to have intimacy with others just because they are the same sex. 

Your 3 rules were not the only rules that she as your wife needs to follow. For instance emotional affairs were not even touched upon in those rules yet you have a right to expect that she not get into one. They were just guidelines that could be added to as you learn more about the relationship. Put your foot down now and add rules to exclude intimacy with anyone other than you.



Kendal said:


> 2. Is there a way to wrap my head around the idea of having my wife being intimate with other women? Sleeping with them instead of me, and using them as a source of physical release rather than me? Is that something that I should try to accept due to it being a popular fantasy for men?


You do not have to allow intimacy with other male or female. 

You say that you and your wife "have a very open relationship in terms of communication and honesty". That is not true. She was not open and honest with you about why she was telling you to leave the room. She disrespected you to your face in you own home. Your wife's actions would be a deal breaker for me. I would not try to even understand her point of view on this. 

You will not be married to her long term no matter what you do now. Now that she has discoverer that she is a lesbian, your marriage will never be the same.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Nobody here can tell you how you should feel. Some guys are cool with their wives being with other women in practice, others like the fantasy but can't deal with the reality and others do not accept any of it.

I don't understand the 'spirit' behind the rules that you agreed. Clearly you leave room in the rules for sexual activities with others. Were you originally ok with her having sex with other women and now you don't like the idea now that it's happening? It's ok to change the rules if this is the case but if she is bisexual and 'needs' this activity, then she may not accept your new rules. 

The information you give is confusing so I don't really know the true nature of your understanding with your wife. I've been in a relationship where she cheated with another woman so I fully understand that this is not all porno fantasy land.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I see wher eyou are going with that but maybe he felt he didn't HAVE to tell her cheating with any gender is not acceptable in clear terms since he didn't think she was into sex with women...
> 
> Kinda like not telling your partner you're not down with them clearing out your entire bank account.
> 
> Most people wouldn't think you'd have to explicitly say those words because its considered an obvious thing.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

One spouse doesn't have to list all the possibilities and combinations in the universe that he/she would be uncomfortable with. Animals, homosexuals, multiple partners, family members foreign objects etc.

I think he meant her not wanting him to be close to his family, not putting his family before her.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Yeah, we haven't heard from Kendall since July. Oh well. Hope things worked out. He was obviously struggling with it since he came to this type of forum for info.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A problem with affairs involving lesbians is the often the AP is aggressively a man hater. Not only are they filling the WS with the fog, but they are filling her with contempt and hostility towards her husband, as if it was some personal religious quest to kill off all men.

I've never understood why there is so much hatred in some lesbians.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay...a bit confused here. You stated that one of your relationship dealbreakers is if she ever came in contact with male genitala or male body fluids outside of a clinical/ professional setting.

What POSSIBLE setting or profession would she be in to allow herself to be in contact with male private parts...unless she's a porn star. And I've been in medicine for 20 years and there is no such treatment that requires a healthcare provider to place his penis or her vaginia on a patient.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Does anyone else notice this was posted up in July? OP has probably forgotten about this thread by now.


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