# How do they do it?



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Being divorced for a couple of years now, no contact except a couple of emails many months ago. I just received an email asking for more stuff of "hers"... She thinks is "reasonable". I have written about this in a thread before however I guess I need some clarity from objective folks.

My thoughts are just give them to her, it is not the money, nor anything just a couple of guns, some tools and a few old albums... I just do not get it. They are insignificant in a lot of ways, that is what just makes me wonder, "What the Firetruck?" Has she lost her mind, or does she want to see me or just being greedy and selfish... I dunno... ??? 

Good thing about this is, if I see her, this will definitely provide closure for sure or clarity as she never said why she truly filed. She was not the communicative type... Very stubborn...


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think she is reaching... She is remorseful and now wants to see if there is any chance. Photo albums are such a sentimental thing to ask for...


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

dajam said:


> Has she lost her mind, or does she want to see me or just being greedy and selfish... I dunno... ???
> 
> Good thing about this is, if I see her, this will definitely provide closure for sure or clarity as she never said why she truly filed. She was not the communicative type... Very stubborn...


I have read your main thread before. You said that you were often away travelling at work and you also discovered that she was cheating. Nobody files if D wasn't "needed". I often wondered if she's been cheating much earlier than when she was "discovered" cheating. Many of us who come here to read and post are ex-spouses of serial cheaters and we pick up on the behavioural patterns of these untrustworthy individuals who cheat and lie and file for D as they were living in their fantasyland as if their life will get suddenly much better if they get rid of their spouse to get a new model. Nothing profound. Just a very selfish motive.

It is most likely that your ex-wife felt that her marriage with you wasn't good enough to her when she filed for D (and she probably had an affair partner behind your back) but she is still unhappy and is most likely getting on as you say. If I were in your shoes, I may see her in a neutral place (not in my own house) to discuss if you desperately "MUST" but I wouldn't passively comply with every request she would make given her unsavoury past track record. I would be more open and receptive if someone did show me loyalty and love. She was a cheater and she won't get my attention if I were in your shoes. Unfortunately, that's how life works. These quiet scheming types you need to be extra wary of. All the best,


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

poppyseed said:


> I have read your main thread before. You said that you were often away travelling at work and you also discovered that she was cheating. Nobody files if D wasn't "needed". I often wondered if she's been cheating much earlier than when she was "discovered" cheating. Many of us who come here to read and post are ex-spouses of serial cheaters and we pick up on the behavioural patterns of these untrustworthy individuals who cheat and lie and file for D as they were living in their fantasyland as if their life will get suddenly much better if they get rid of their spouse to get a new model. Nothing profound. Just a very selfish motive.
> 
> It is most likely that your ex-wife felt that her marriage with you wasn't good enough to her when she filed for D (and she probably had an affair partner behind your back) but she is still unhappy and is most likely getting on as you say. If I were in your shoes, I may see her in a neutral place (not in my own house) to discuss if you desperately "MUST" but I wouldn't passively comply with every request she would make given her unsavoury past track record. I would be more open and receptive if someone did show me loyalty and love. She was a cheater and she won't get my attention if I were in your shoes. Unfortunately, that's how life works. These quiet scheming types you need to be extra wary of. All the best,



Being a man of good values and now solid sensibility. I am always open and am willing to put myself in this situation. It is my choice and I am in control. This was 30 years of my life. Being that I do care about everyone I know, she is no different to me as a stranger on the street. I have no real feelings of wanting to reconcile or get back together. I do feel sympathy for her. I will give her the stuff as it is just material stuff that has no real meaning to me. 

Plus one hidden benefit is, this will definitely test me. Standing near the fire and not getting burned... for lack of better words. 

This will test my growth.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> I think she is reaching... She is remorseful and now wants to see if there is any chance. Photo albums are such a sentimental thing to ask for...


On the other hand, she also asked for the guns.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

"Sorry, I threw away anything that was left here that was not mine. Later"

NC after that.

Good luck buddy, these homewreckers are a pain in the a$$!
Stretch


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

dajam said:


> Being a man of good values and now solid sensibility. I am always open and am willing to put myself in this situation. It is my choice and I am in control. This was 30 years of my life. Being that I do care about everyone I know, she is no different to me as a stranger on the street. I have no real feelings of wanting to reconcile or get back together. I do feel sympathy for her. I will give her the stuff as it is just material stuff that has no real meaning to me.
> 
> Plus one hidden benefit is, this will definitely test me. Standing near the fire and not getting burned... for lack of better words.
> 
> This will test my growth.


Why do you even need to see her for this? Put the stuff out front and have her pick it up. or have it shipped to her. Unless you feel that you WANT to see her.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Is it "her" stuff? If so, gather ALL of "her" stuff, and leave it outside for her.

If it is not "her" stuff, then tell her you sold it and then stop responding.

At this point you should have nothing left of hers. If you do, you are just fishing for that connection.

What's worse than just giving her stuff is not giving her all of it right now. The last thing you want to do is play this game every few months while you are moving on.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why do you even need to see her for this? Put the stuff out front and have her pick it up. or have it shipped to her. Unless you feel that you WANT to see her.


Want to.. you ask? It does not matter, however it would be OK if we did get along in the future if not no big deal. We did spend over half our lives together. 

I am not looking to start anything nor do I have to see her. I am a big boy and am not bitter nor mad, it is what it is. 

For one thing, I can not just leave weapons outside... Shipping ammo and Guns.. Not going to happen. We will meet at my storage facility and that is all it will be...

I can not carry hate in my life... Not something I prescribe to any more. I would rather forgive and be good with my efforts and happy with myself and in control, as in, this is my choice.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

I agree with the posters above, really. Excellent posts!!!

Many of us have gone through long-term counselling during marriage and post-breakup etc..

It seems you are stuck in your fixed thoughts for your ex, who got rid of you like a piece of trash. If you never had any counselling (IC), then it would be worth considering.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

She wants a couple of guns , that's a goodie . Maybe the new life ain't all green grass after all :rofl:.

But nah , that's only little stuff man , just give it to her , who gives a fk.
And hey you get to see her and check her out while your at it - eh we all get curious, admit it 

And , there could be some closure or some new level between you started from it , like some peace.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> And , there could be some closure or some new level between you started from it , like some peace.


Famous last words....


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This only requires one response: "We settled all of the property at the time of the divorce."

Period.

Ex has a grinder of mine (was Dad's) in storage with his other stuff and a bunch of record albums that are classical music and were my Grandmother's. I would like to have those back some day but since his stuff has been in storage now for, well, probably 7 years or so - I'm thinking I might not get either thing. Oh well.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

dajam said:


> Being divorced for a couple of years now, no contact except a couple of emails many months ago. I just received an email asking for more stuff of "hers"... She thinks is "reasonable". I have written about this in a thread before however I guess I need some clarity from objective folks.
> 
> My thoughts are just give them to her, it is not the money, nor anything just a couple of guns, some tools and a few old albums... I just do not get it. They are insignificant in a lot of ways, that is what just makes me wonder, "What the Firetruck?" Has she lost her mind, or does she want to see me or just being greedy and selfish... I dunno... ???
> 
> Good thing about this is, if I see her, this will definitely provide closure for sure or clarity as she never said why she truly filed. She was not the communicative type... Very stubborn...


I wouldn't read anything into it. Give her the stuff if you feel like it. Two years is enough time to see things objectively so if you're wondering what happened then ask her.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

poppyseed said:


> I agree with the posters above, really. Excellent posts!!!
> 
> Many of us have gone through long-term counselling during marriage and post-breakup etc..
> 
> It seems you are stuck in your fixed thoughts for your ex, who got rid of you like a piece of trash. If you never had any counselling (IC), then it would be worth considering.


Funny, I did go through counseling... more than once before and after. (MC, IC and even a Church counselors). 

I am not fixated... She is closely tied to my mother ( my excuse, as some would put it)..lol..... I will not do anything to jeopardize my moms feelings as she is 83. Problem basically is the uncomfortable situation of going to my moms and running into her. I value what most opinions are here and stated. I am moving on and to me this is one step of the process that I want over. 

Now she will have no reason what so ever to come back and ask me for anything.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> I wouldn't read anything into it. Give her the stuff if you feel like it. Two years is enough time to see things objectively so if you're wondering what happened then ask her.


That just about sums it up. This meeting has no real value to me I am good.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

COguy said:


> Is it "her" stuff? If so, gather ALL of "her" stuff, and leave it outside for her.
> 
> If it is not "her" stuff, then tell her you sold it and then stop responding.
> 
> ...


Just to let you know some of the stuff has significant value to her and her family as she is into genealogy. So giving back for her family history is quite valuable. Some of her families stuff in in the the Smithsonian. That would be below low to keep that stuff and break the over 400 year chain of documented history. (bigger picture) .. Just saying.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

ladymisato said:


> On the other hand, she also asked for the guns.


Maybe she is sad that things are over, realizes it is over and there is no going back... so she is trying to move on and her new beau likes shooting?

Just taking shots in the dark here. I suppose the guns could also be something that were sentimental to her too... Perhaps OP and his ExW used to go hunting or shooting together. 

Who knows.... I'd probably have asked.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> Maybe she is sad that things are over, realizes it is over and there is no going back... so she is trying to move on and her new beau likes shooting?
> 
> Just taking shots in the dark here. I suppose the guns could also be something that were sentimental to her too... Perhaps OP and his ExW used to go hunting or shooting together.
> 
> Who knows.... I'd probably have asked.


Not sure what OP is however we are both trained in shooting and self defense. Never hunted... One of the things we did enjoy as a couple... Scary thing is she is a better shot than I am. lol... The guns are one thing she has pride in. She has flintlock dueling pistols that were used back in the day.. Actually used in duels..back when honor and integrity were actually practiced.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hmmm, I am definitely not siding with your ex, please do not think I am. Most of you do not know my story, suffice to say my ex is a very heinous, manipulative person. He still has some items of mine, bulky item that I was unable to bring with me when I moved away.

On our divorce agreement, it was stated that he would either pay me for those items (roughly 2K) or I would have the right to retrieve them anytime I chose (within one year). 
He has not pay me anything. I have been thinking about driving to where he is at retrieving these items. 
I do not wish to see him. He can leave those items on the lawn for all I care. I want the items or the money.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

ne9907 said:


> Hmmm, I am definitely not siding with your ex, please do not think I am. Most of you do not know my story, suffice to say my ex is a very heinous, manipulative person. He still has some items of mine, bulky item that I was unable to bring with me when I moved away.
> 
> On our divorce agreement, it was stated that he would either pay me for those items (roughly 2K) or I would have the right to retrieve them anytime I chose (within one year).
> He has not pay me anything. I have been thinking about driving to where he is at retrieving these items.
> I do not wish to see him. He can leave those items on the lawn for all I care. I want the items or the money.


No worries on my part... My ex has some issues and so did I. I am not scared to say that we all do. In our own unique ways, we can portray and interpret thing in our minds that are not accurate. However, for me, making sure the things we destroyed are only thing that are between me and her. Not anyone else. Meaning we never wanted to hurt any one in this scenario, I will make every effort to mitigate pain for all the folks we touched. No matter how hard it is on me. My mom, my ex mother in law.. Hence returning the ex family items. 

This is how I know I am strong enough now. All I am doing is my choice so I am good with it. Even though others have concerns and opinions. 

I hope you retrieve your stuff/money, so you can move on. Nothing worse than unfinished business and things that are hanging out there serving as a constant reminder. 

I wish you the best and I am sorry. WE ALL know these situations can suck. It will get better.. It is for me, even though I never thought it would.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

dajam said:


> Just to let you know some of the stuff has significant value to her and her family as she is into genealogy. So giving back for her family history is quite valuable. Some of her families stuff in in the the Smithsonian. That would be below low to keep that stuff and break the over 400 year chain of documented history. (bigger picture) .. Just saying.


OK, so open and shut it is HER stuff. So why do you still have it?

Go through your sh*t and give her EVERYTHING that is hers, and then you are done.

The fact that you kept it shows you are still looking to engage.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

COguy said:


> OK, so open and shut it is HER stuff. So why do you still have it?
> 
> Go through your sh*t and give her EVERYTHING that is hers, and then you are done.
> 
> The fact that you kept it shows you are still looking to engage.


I appreciate the poke, I imagine from your point of view it may appear that way. I think this was her way of contacting me, as most of this stuff has been in storage. I go through some of it periodically and as schedule permits . 

No I did not keep it to continue this saga. I have better things to do. One thing to consider it was 30 years of joint custody of stuff. We never looked at our purchases as that is mine and that is yours.. Well at least until now and she is.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

dajam said:


> I appreciate the poke, I imagine from your point of view it may appear that way. I think this was her way of contacting me, as most of this stuff has been in storage. I go through some of it periodically and as schedule permits .
> 
> No I did not keep it to continue this saga. I have better things to do. One thing to consider it was 30 years of joint custody of stuff. We never looked at our purchases as that is mine and that is yours.. Well at least until now and she is.


OK so now she's asking, you have no reason to not go through it all and give her all of her things. You can tiptoe around this or make excuses but at the end of the day if you don't give it all to her you're just inviting drama into your life.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

COguy said:


> OK so now she's asking, you have no reason to not go through it all and give her all of her things. You can tiptoe around this or make excuses but at the end of the day if you don't give it all to her you're just inviting drama into your life.


That is 100% correct. I just got back from storage.. As far as I can tell minus a couple of boxes it will be done. Although I cannot stop her from asking again.. However my plan is to give her anything that I do not want, eliminate the guess work. If she chooses not to take it. off to Goodwill or Ebay... 
Heck hidden benefit, I can now get a smaller storage area, and still have a place for my Harley... lol..


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