# Did she want to get caught?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I've been doing a lot of reading. One thing that I read was that in some cases the person who wants out of a marriage will cheat and want to get caught so that the other spouse will want the divorce and the spouse who cheated doesn't feel as guilty for getting a divorce since it was the other persons idea.

Yesterday, while talking with my wife, I brought up her getting caught (For the first time since it happened). I asked "Didn't you think, in that moment, with me 3 floors up 'What will he think? What will I tell him when I go back upstairs?" She couldn't give me a definite answer. I think partly because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

The few weeks leading up to this encounter she was secretive about her chat between her and the OM but insists that it was never meant to get physical and never meant to be an emtional affair (She still doesn't understand what an emotional affair is). 

I would later read that no big decisions should be made right after you've heard or caught your spouse. I've read that you should take the time to rebuild what you've lost, communicate, understand and that after a year if you are still wanting a divorce then at least you've spent that year learning more about yourself and what to expect in your next relationship.

I still feel (And I could be wrong) that I'm putting in all the effort even though I'm not the one that cheated. That I'm working on this marriage and that she's hiding behind her wall of 'I need time to fix myself.' In all the reading I also came up on an article about mid-life crisis and in some ways I wonder if that's what's going on with her. She's forty, going to be forty-one in November and she's looking at herself, no kids, a job she sees no future in, no house ownership. She's looking at the bad and not the good (Her PMS has her in an even worse mood).

Is there anyone out there that has cheated because they wanted to get caught? If so, does this sound like it could be the case? She says she wants to work on our marriage but that she still needs time to 'fix' herself. I don't know what else I can do except wait in limbo as she decides what fixing she needs. She won't see a counselor or shrink "Too much money. Not enough time."


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You work on you. You are not in a position to change how she feels. Keep your focus. Keep working on getting out of that building. At this point I think anywhere is better than there. Even a short term lease in a neightborhood that you like. Get away from him. Far away.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> You work on you. You are not in a position to change how she feels. Keep your focus. Keep working on getting out of that building. At this point I think anywhere is better than there. Even a short term lease in a neightborhood that you like. Get away from him. Far away.


I am trying, believe me. I spent yesterday looking at government housing. Because we take care of her mother we are more eligible than many to get into show good cheap housing. At first, my wife was all for it. When I mentioned some nice places I found she was 'negative' about it. It's like I go out to look and come home to 'No. not there.'. I'd prefer to go out looking together as I can't make the final decision alone but she's just not available.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

My guess is she is trying to hold out. The sooner you move out the sooner things should improve. She is likely in withdrawal so things are painful to her. (Are you reading about withdrawal?) You have to move. She is going to resist. Should you address this directly? Maybe some of the experts could weigh in on withdrawal?


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> My guess is she is trying to hold out. The sooner you move out the sooner things should improve. She is likely in withdrawal so things are painful to her. (Are you reading about withdrawal?) You have to move. She is going to resist. Should you address this directly? Maybe some of the experts could weigh in on withdrawal?


I am not sure what you mean by withdrawal in this case? I'd like to know.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

She is an addict. She is hooked. She no longer has her drug. She wants it and will do just about anything to get it. She is withdrawing from her drug. It will be like her PMS. Or maybe it is her PMS. Can she get to her drug? If she does you are going to be starting all over from scratch. Get her away from her drug. And you stay away from love busters. Once she is fully detoxed she will be much easier to deal with. If you can not get her to move right now, maybe you can get her to go on a trip with you. It would not be fun because she is withdrawing. However it will help her detox.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

OK...I did a quick search and found out what I think you mean.

I'm not sure if what she is going through is withdrawal, it may very well be. The email between her and the OM were not very 'bad' although I was unhappy that she was confiding in him, someone who knows nothing about us, about our relationship issues rather than going to someone who has real experience. I think it started off as an emotional affair for her by text messages, but the words used just aren't something I can point at and say "Hey...see!"

The physical contact she had with him was on the one occasion that I caught them. I asked many of the gory details and in our first conversations after catching her asked if anything like this has happened before, even a kiss with someone...anything. She insists that there never was and that what I caught her doing was the first and last time it would ever happen.

She was upset with me at first that I had a conversation with the OM without her being present (She was back in our apartment in and out of it because of alcohol and I still do suspect something was slipped into her drink or she willing did some drugs but didn't want me to know about it). She said she wanted that conversation to happen between the 3 of us because what he was saying and what she says are different and she feels like she was betrayed. When she used that word I was flying off the handle in rage because if anyone was betrayed it was me. I don't think she meant for it to come out that way but that's how I interpreted it and was angry (This was in the hours following me catching her).

According to her, the email and text messages were supposed to be a lead up into her asking him for advice on marriage. She says this was according to him talking about 'experiences in love'. She says she never meant for it to get to that point. She said she never intended to get naked but that she accepts blame for letting it get that far.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> She is an addict. She is hooked. She no longer has her drug. She wants it and will do just about anything to get it. She is withdrawing from her drug. It will be like her PMS. Or maybe it is her PMS. Can she get to her drug? If she does you are going to be starting all over from scratch. Get her away from her drug. And you stay away from love busters. Once she is fully detoxed she will be much easier to deal with. If you can not get her to move right now, maybe you can get her to go on a trip with you. It would not be fun because she is withdrawing. However it will help her detox.


I suggested we take a vacation to the U.S. She lived there at one point and knows parts of California and Arizona. I suggested a trip to Las Vegas, a place she's wanted to go for some time now. I went to the travel agency, got the information for September and figured that within 2 months we'd have enough time to plan a trip and save some money to stay somewhere nice. Unfortunately, that idea got shot day after the first of talking about it. She says because we need to move. BUT...we aren't moving yet.

This place we live in now is a rental with my name on it. If I move she has to move out. She couldn't afford it on her salary alone. I don't know if she's had enough of the drug to need a detox. I don't know how the mentality works with that kind of a situation. She had some text messages that weren't supposed to be 'intimate' but that the OM apparently found them to be. It was the start of something but it never got all the way through to sex. Perhaps this doesn't matter. I don't know that the OM would risk getting put in that situation again, he knows I'd do some serious damage to him. As for my wife, she promised that nothing like this would happen again, but then again trust isn't something we have a whole lot of right now.

Even if we do find a place to move, there's a policy in this country where you have to pay a large non-refundable deposit on places. Most up at around 5000USD or more. That'll take a couple months of saving. Add to that the actual move. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much about getting out of here but from a money standpoint we couldn't do it immediately. I don't know if that's why my wife is taking her time looking at places...


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