# Just realized: I don't trust my wife



## joshbjoshb

There is something that always bothered me but I couldn't pinpoint it, but it just hit me:

I don't trust my wife.

It's not she is flirting with other guys or anything like that. Not at all. In fact, she is very careful with that not only in front of me but also not.

The thing is, I don't know if she knows how to endure things.

It's about everything. I always feel that if we will have a hard time without money - heaven forbid - I am not sure how much she will be committed and with me on this, or would she turn bitter and just complain all day? Looking at her now, seeing how she is complaining so often on such pretty things, I think the latter.

Then, I am always wondering what will happen if a guy would put much effort into persuading her of being with him, or whatever. Basically, I don't feel that she is strong enough, or is a strong person by nature, to withstand pressure.

There is nothing I can do about it. I am just sharing it with you. It's painful to think about it, since - in essence - I can't feel secure in my marriage because of it.


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## PBear

There is something you can do about it. Start taking steps to understand why you don't trust her. That may mean self help books, introspection, or counseling. But your unfounded lack of trust has a strong possibility of wearing away at your relationship over time, if you leave it untreated.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joshbjoshb

You are funny. By nature I am very trusting person... I trust almost everyone. There is something about the way she behaves that almost tells me not to trust her


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## EleGirl

There are also things you can do about the things that you think might cause problems. If you think that a financial down turn could be a super stresser focus on being very fugal and putting away enough for a buffer.

If she does not have the skills/education to earn a good living make sure she gets them. That way there are two of you who can handle the situation.


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## joshbjoshb

El, this is exactly my point.

Not every situation in life has a simple solution, or even planning in advance. My point is that if someone has "conditional love" to you, it will express itself in other things.

It's not about money, or an affair, or anything. If someone would leave you because of money, it shows she was never really there, she was not % committed.

And if she is not, how can I? A true fulfilling marriage must have 2 people committed 100%.


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## EleGirl

joshbjoshb said:


> El, this is exactly my point.
> 
> Not every situation in life has a simple solution, or even planning in advance. My point is that if someone has "conditional love" to you, it will express itself in other things.
> 
> It's not about money, or an affair, or anything. If someone would leave you because of money, it shows she was never really there, she was not % committed.
> 
> And if she is not, how can I? A true fulfilling marriage must have 2 people committed 100%.


Love between spouses is not unconditional. Marriages get in trouble when people assume it is. They stop doing the necessary things to keep their spouse happy, engaged and in love. Have you only just now realized this?

Your almost sound like you are looking for a reason to justify not feeling good about her. She has not done these things that you do not trust her for... but you are using the thought that she might eventually do them as an excuse to express that you do not trust her.

I would love to hear your wife's side of this.


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## PBear

You're not articulating why you feel the way you do. You trust everyone BUT your wife, yet you can't say why you not trust her. You need to understand why you feel that way so ou can try to fix the problem. 

Your post reminds me of someone else who posted in here who was thinking about divorcing his wife just because the odds where too high that's what was going to happen anyway. So he might as well deal with it now. I felt sorry for him, as it seemed like he would never be able to be happy in any relationship. If you don't fix your trust issues, I'd suspect the same things for you; that you'll bring your baggage from this relationship to your next one. The problem here is not your wife's problem, that she's untrustworthy or anything. The problem is within you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joshbjoshb

So I will explain myself better this time, hoping that I will be more understood:

I am married over five years, and we def. had our ups and downs. Not long ago (few months ago) I started reading here about the "nice guy" syndrome and realized how I am indeed a very nice guy and how, most likely, my wife suffered from my lack of leadership and me being a wimp and not a real men.

I can tell that my marriage had improved greatly since. We are on a much better course but still have more to do, like every couple. My wife feels much more secure, expressed her love to me in ways she never did, and all of us makes me feel great, of course.

I am not looking to get divorced or anything like that. In fact I plan to live with her the rest of my life - if only g0d will help me.

However, I feel that my wife is a weak person who doesn't know how to deal with challenges, or lacking endurance. I feel like if she'd be under little pressure she'd just not be able to stand the pressure. 

We both grew up in homes with financial problems, but while I feel it's just made me a better person - she views her childhood as a time when she suffered etc.

So I have no real complain her, and this is just in theory - but I feel like, if she in theory would not stay loyal to me if the times would be real though, that's mean that already now she is not really committed 100%.

Now you say - who cares, enjoy as long as you have no tough times and pray you should never have - you might be right, but in order for me to feel like I can just "surrender" to this marriage and be there 100%, I feel like a cloud above me.


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## accept

Your main point really is that if your wife complains about pretty you mean petty things what will happen when she has serious things to complain about. For a start you have got to stop her complaining. Once one gets into this mood there is no end to it. How do you do it. Tell her about people worse off than you. Or plain tell her to shut up and that you dont want to listen and she should somehow get over it. 
I dont think that because of this attitude now it means in a real crunch she will fall into the first outstretched hand. No one is immune, it could happen to the next man as well. Most women dont run at the first hurdle.


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## morituri

You know that what people say and what they actually do are usually two different things. 

Your wife 'seems' like a weak person but not until she gets tested will you 'know' if she is or isn't.

It is not your job to strengthen your wife, that is her responsibility. Your job is to do your part and make peace with the reality you have accepted to live in.


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## Heavyhearted

joshbjoshb said:


> So I will explain myself better this time, hoping that I will be more understood:
> 
> I am married over five years, and we def. had our ups and downs. Not long ago (few months ago) I started reading here about the "nice guy" syndrome and realized how I am indeed a very nice guy and how, most likely, my wife suffered from my lack of leadership and me being a wimp and not a real men.
> 
> I can tell that my marriage had improved greatly since. We are on a much better course but still have more to do, like every couple. My wife feels much more secure, expressed her love to me in ways she never did, and all of us makes me feel great, of course.
> 
> I am not looking to get divorced or anything like that. In fact I plan to live with her the rest of my life - if only g0d will help me.
> 
> However, I feel that my wife is a weak person who doesn't know how to deal with challenges, or lacking endurance. I feel like if she'd be under little pressure she'd just not be able to stand the pressure.
> 
> We both grew up in homes with financial problems, but while I feel it's just made me a better person - she views her childhood as a time when she suffered etc.
> 
> So I have no real complain her, and this is just in theory - but I feel like, if she in theory would not stay loyal to me if the times would be real though, that's mean that already now she is not really committed 100%.
> 
> Now you say - who cares, enjoy as long as you have no tough times and pray you should never have - you might be right, but in order for me to feel like I can just "surrender" to this marriage and be there 100%, I feel like a cloud above me.


Straight out ask her, "If times were tough and we lost everything, would I be enough for you? Would you stay by my side through it all?" Tell her not to answer right away but to think about it for a little while. You also need to think about what your answer to her would be. Would you stay by her no matter what? You need to tell her how you feel too. Maybe it won't accomplish much by asking each other these questions, but at least it will get her thinking about it......Hey, that got me thinking, maybe I should ask my wife that question too....:scratchhead:


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## DawnD

accept said:


> Tell her about people worse off than you. Or plain tell her to shut up and that you dont want to listen and she should somehow get over it.


That doesn't seem like a good idea at all. Would men respond to a woman who refused sex when she tells her H that "hey, Frank next door only gets it once every other month, so be happy with your once a month". 

I don't agree at all with telling her to "shut up and get over it" because that attitude is gonna come right back at you. If you don't want your wife speaking to you that way, I would suggest you never speak to her that way either.

Sounds to me like you are trying to see the future. Have you asked yourself if she feels the same way about you since you admit you weren't showing leadership skills in the marriage until recently? Maybe the vibe you are picking up from her is because she doesn't think you will be a man with a plan when things so south, but that you will be sitting there hoping she has one?
(Speculating on this obviously, but its something to think about)


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## accept

*That doesn't seem like a good idea at all. Would men respond to a woman who refused sex when she tells her H that "hey, Frank next door only gets it once every other month, so be happy with your once a month".*
Not at all the same thing. There she could do it more often if she wanted here he cant help his problems so why complain about them.
When I say shut up it neednt be the exact words. Just the meaning of them.


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## DawnD

accept said:


> Not at all the same thing. There she could do it more often if she wanted here he cant help his problems so why complain about them.
> When I say shut up it neednt be the exact words. Just the meaning of them.


That is your perception. perhaps her perception is that he could mow lawns or work at McDonalds to make ends meet. Not saying its right, but saying be careful how you want to get your point across. Its exactly the same thing. He COULD make more money by working two more jobs. It would suck and he wouldn't like it. In my opinion it wouldn't be at all fair, but when you take measures to prove a point, expect it to come back to bite you.

Why not instead simply talk about it and get each others perspective and make sure everyone's on the same page?


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## Kobo

2 things:

1. Don't spend so much time and energy on hypotheticals. Your putting ideas in your head that will manifest itself in the way you look at and treat your wife

2. Don't fear the loss of your wife. Know that if she did leave you when times were rough you would still move on.


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## AFEH

joshbjoshb said:


> There is something that always bothered me but I couldn't pinpoint it, but it just hit me:
> 
> I don't trust my wife.
> 
> It's not she is flirting with other guys or anything like that. Not at all. In fact, she is very careful with that not only in front of me but also not.
> 
> The thing is, I don't know if she knows how to endure things.
> 
> It's about everything. I always feel that if we will have a hard time without money - heaven forbid - I am not sure how much she will be committed and with me on this, or would she turn bitter and just complain all day? Looking at her now, seeing how she is complaining so often on such pretty things, I think the latter.
> 
> Then, I am always wondering what will happen if a guy would put much effort into persuading her of being with him, or whatever. Basically, I don't feel that she is strong enough, or is a strong person by nature, to withstand pressure.
> 
> There is nothing I can do about it. I am just sharing it with you. It's painful to think about it, since - in essence - I can't feel secure in my marriage because of it.


If your wife’s name were Sue and with all the changes you want her to make about herself she becomes Jane, then you married the wrong woman.



You should have married Jane in the first place.


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