# Doormat syndrome



## S-house (May 26, 2015)

Hello all
Please excuse my language, as I am not a native English speaker. 
I am a married man (41 Y/o + 2 children). Married for 12 years now. Never cheated, and as a matter of fact I have adored my wife ever since I met her. She has always been highly intelligent and a stunningly beautiful woman. Looking at her naked, I have always felt as if she was the most beautiful thing I could ever imagine. And this thing is mine!. I was the happiest man alive. Honestly.
My main problem was that I avoided fights and always tried to please her and make her happy, even on my own expanse. And that was kind of fine with me. 
As so many here, I was recently cheated on by her. Following a very tough year in which she was unemployed , the too-much-spare-time + boredom at home + frustration had brought her to chat with random men via the internet. The chatting soon escalated to a romance. 
I was watching her from the side. My once lively and lovely wife has become a resentful frustrated pile of unhappiness. The kids and I suffered. We felt as if we are losing her. 
Slowly she became addicted to her cell phone. She wouldn’t move without it, even to take a shower. It did raise a red flag for me, but it was more convenient to ignore…. One day last February the home phone bill arrived at my mail. It was 4 times higher than usual, naturally I checked the incoming/outgoing calls and found an unusual number from/to which many long calls were made. I traced the owner easily (never heard of him) – and decided to take a move.
When I came home that day, I cunningly took her phone for a few moments and paired it with Whatsapp for web on my laptop, which means I could see her Whatsapp activity. I guessed her Gmail password, which meant I could see where she is every moment and keep track and I could see her mail box.
I wish I hadn’t.
She was having highly sexual communication with that guy. I was so shocked I couldn’t do anything those days other than follow every move she made like a stalker. Soon enough I started to secretly record the house phone calls. Not long after, I recorded a long conversation which started with sex phone (mutual masturbation) and then she told him about her extra-marital past. My angel admitted to having an affair with a work colleague on 2012-3 (long before she was unemployed)
I couldn’t take it anymore and exploded upon her with the facts one night when the children were not home and she "was a little troubled that we didn’t have sex for many weeks". I let it all out including the recording.
4 hours later she stopped crying….. She admitted every fact I had. But said nothing ever happened with the colleague, and that she lied to her AP so he would think she was very cool or something. She seemed very sorry and remorseful.
It has been 3 weeks now. We started counseling and she seems cooperating with it.
The problem is me. Somehow I am reacting weird. I am so attracted to her now……physically, I mean. We haven’t had sex for months, because I cannot bring myself to ****ing her, but other than that, I cannot get my hands off her. I constantly caress her, kiss her, massage her back and feet, smell her hair and she clearly enjoys that. My heart widens every time I see her. I am like a teenage around her, touching her ass every time I walk past her.
I am not very mad at her. I admit. Most of all, I am happy that part is behind us, and we did not separate because of the affair. But EXACTLY THIS is bothering me – I give her the impression that "all is good" even more than before the affair. 
Although I am the hurt side, I tend to make a large effort to make her misery as easy as possible.
I feel as if she never paid for what she did. I don’t want her to be crying and remorseful all day long, but I feel I am not confronting her enough (the doormat syndrome). I am not sure everything she told me was true and she keeps denying my repeated questions.
I am afraid that soon enough the MC will end and I will return to my usual place constantly pleasing her. What would prevent her from doing everything again? I cannot bring myself to be angry at her. I hate myself so much for being a doormat……..
Thank you for your replies.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Ok, good sir. Time to take a step back and regain some composure and digress, from your descriptions, what is really happening here.

You wife sought to fulfill her own needs and risked the marriage to do so. When one spouse does this it illustrates a complete lack of respect. You had the warning signs of this possibility for years yet were unable to recognize them since they were well camouflaged under the notion of taking good care of your wife in a respectful manner, or so it seemed, but there is a difference between being a doormat, caving to every fight, bowing to every demand and such vs. showing respect, entering a conflict with a cool head yet assertive attitude and compromising on BOTH sides. The line dividing these distinctions erodes after a long period of tolerance to the insidious nature of being disrespected, mildly at first, and then much more blatant later on.

This is not your fault, so dismiss and reject any attempt, if any have come up, by her to adhere even a partial amount of responsibility of her actions on you. If this was true, I am sure you would have influenced a more marital friendly and productive action vs an affair! Cheating is a cowardly act and signals a lack of strength to engage in a conflict. 

The strong sexual urges you feel are quite normal after the discovery of an affair, it is called hysterical bonding. At the drop of a hat or even the slightest hint of intimacy you will feel your sex drive go thru the roof. This is due to what some speculate as a primal instinct for the jilted partner to reclaim his or her mate. Be warned, as a man, you will think this is a good thing, and in many ways it can be a rather large step towards the path to reconciliation. However if she is not honest about her feelings this can, and will, be used against you as a method of control. Your feelings for your wife will get in the way of even the most obvious deceptions, and despite the fact it is pleasurable to you, you are in fact rewarding her, not so much in a physical manner, but an emotional one, the attention she is getting from you in this activity will trump any sexual satisfaction either of you will get. Use caution.

If you are hurt then you are doing yourself a disservice by not telling her, since she may think that your outward emotional impression of the affair as "No big deal" could signal a lack of actually caring. You can introduce this without disrespect and a healthy degree of anger. Make no mistake, if your hurt, your angry, but in it's mildest form. Keeping this in will also cause it to fester in you making things worse. You've been passive enough with your feelings, let them out to have their day.

Now, you must acknowledge that you and only you are responsible for your actions and in turn so is everyone else. Nothing you do can keep her from cheating, only herself. If she is truly remorseful and wants to fix things, the best way, although not foolproof, is total transparency, like a glass window, no secrets, no allowance of privacy, no passwords, nothing, and you should push this as a need for marital recovery, if not this and many other factors will lead to this being swept under the rug, and you might as well start a countdown as it will happen again.

Wait around for others here for more advice and guidance. It sucks that your here but you will be thankful later.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In which country are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You were not having sex with her before the affair? Why?

How do you know they were not having sex together besides the phone sex?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> In which country are you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheatersville


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

English may not be your first language, but here we say that you've been played for a chump.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you are too nice for your own good. Your wife continuously betrays you and will continue to do so. You have opted to just sit there and take it.

What can I say? What can I possibly say?

You either put up with it and learn to like it or out she goes.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Stop being a doormat.

she is lying to you. She has had two affairs.

Take her off her pedestal. 

Does she still have her phone? Is she now being transparent?

While in MC, you need to deal with the anger.

Good luck. You will need it.


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## S-house (May 26, 2015)

harrybrown said:


> Take her off her pedestal.
> 
> Does she still have her phone? Is she now being transparent?
> 
> ...


Thank you guys.
She is quite transparent with me. Her phone is clean and unlocked . She showed me how she cut all her connections with that guy. As a matter of fact she is cooperating with my efforts and the MC. She is well aware of the fact that she made a selfish mistake and acknowledges it. Whenever I ask her about the ordeal, she answers, but denies everything I did not record as a strong evidence. One option is that she is telling the complete truth.......I just don't believe her these days......

The main problem, as I stated, is ME. I am too positive towards her, letting her get away with it. It is my fault. I don’t feel I want to be mean to her – I just want it to hurt her more than it seems to hurt. I wish I knew what exactly I am looking for. 
I know I am shattered from the inside…….

BTW for those who asked - we are from Israel, and did not have sex for months because I couldn't handle suspecting her and being attracted to her at the same time. At the moment I am just unable to have an erection with her……something that has to do with anger and disappointment I guess….


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

S-house said:


> Thank you guys.
> She is quite transparent with me. Her phone is clean and unlocked . She showed me how she cut all her connections with that guy. As a matter of fact she is cooperating with my efforts and the MC. She is well aware of the fact that she made a selfish mistake and acknowledges it. Whenever I ask her about the ordeal, she answers, but denies everything I did not record as a strong evidence. One option is that she is telling the complete truth.......I just don't believe her these days......
> 
> Please remember anything with teeth can bite, so do not let your guard down in spite of this transparency and cooperation, from here you need to beleive none of what you hear and half of what you see for quite the while
> ...


 For about a few weeks I also had the same problem during my EX-wife's (That is so cool I can say that) affair discovery, this is a symptom of depression and it will pass in time. Like a flu or the chicken pox it simply needs to run it's course. I would not however share this with your wife, anyone else you feel comfortable with sure, as she may have a opinion of un-manliness about you.... Even though she is responsible for it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You're already starting to feel the regret from not testing her remorse. Once the hysterical bonding plays out, that regret will worsen and you may very well wind up in a false R.

It's not too late to make sure that she receives and accepts consequences for her cheating.

Have a sit down conversation with her and tell that you've made some mistakes; that you regret your initial reactions. Let her know that for you to attempt R going forward, those mistakes have to be corrected.

She needs to accept the following:

- Exposure of her affair to her family, to your family, and to the OM's wives/SO's. But don't tell her you're exposing her. Just do it; and see how she reacts.

- She needs to be completely transparent with all her communication devices, give you all passwords, and share her phone anytime you ask for it.

- Marital boundaries will now be different. No more GNO's, no more opposite sex friends. She accounts for her time away from you.

- And lastly, it's up to her to convince you otherwise, that she is remorseful for breaking her wedding vows.

If she willingly accepts these consequences, then you have a starting point for a successful R. If she doesn't; not so much.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You feel so fortunate to have her. She doesn't feel that way towards you; hence, her affairs. She didn't have sex with you because she was having sex with her affair partner. 

Woman here. She is taking you for granted. As no consequences happened after her two affairs, she will have affairs happening throughout your marriage. Brace yourself, you are in wild long ride and you are not the driver.

Take her off the pedestal and place her on the floor where she belongs. Stop feeling so fortunate to have her. You are the unfortunate husband. You need to build your self esteem. See a psychologist to set your mind straight.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You talk about your discovery of the A and the aftermath as 'the ordeal.'

Your wife having an A is an ordeal for you, but it is not an ordeal for her. She liked her A. The ordeal for her is having to cope with the fallout with you. If you remain a doormat, her ordeal will be over soon, since she will have handled you easily and quickly.

You seem to be OK with the doormat behavior as long as she doesn't cheat. But....with the doormat behavior, she will most likely continue to cheat.

This is hard for you, I know. You have to change the whole dynamic of your relationship in order to try to affair-proof it. It doesn't sound like either one of you wants to do that.

If you have the will to change this, however, then the steps are few: You man up and tell her that you require NC and complete truth and transparency. If she doesn't comply, you are out the door.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

From one chump to another, your story sounds a lot like my own. liars lie. It is what they do to get by in life. The sooner you see that the sooner you can have an authentic life and relationship. Do it not and you never will.

I am not saying that someone such as your wife and my wife cannot change, but it must be through overwhelming personal effort on their part. A tremendous personal transformation born of their own desire to be different. They need to break their own will and hate what they do and are enough to get help to change it. If they are standing on pride and showing you cooperation, they are just playing the game of life as they see it.

Best of luck to you. I know what it is to love a beautiful women that uses you. You are never quite the same.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I'm happy to see you guys are working through this together!
Yet, I sense your codependency, the hyper affection is rooted in a disturbed self image.

You aren't asserting yourself, and its causing you to backpedal. Resentment is a sign that you are backpedaling. 

I don't believe the lust is what feels good, I believe her reciprocation feels good to your damaged view of yourself.

As long as she is showing remorse and following through with your needs, I don't see any harm in you finding something other than validation from your wife to build up your confidence...

It might be time to hit the gym, or swing some clubs, or the like.

Within your confidence comes her respect, not the other way around.


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## S-house (May 26, 2015)

Thanks virtual friends,

I have been a bit colder to her ever since I read your advices. It seems to work. .......

And on top of all the mess I have in my life - it seems both of us cought the HPV virus......how lovely.....

The Doctor zapped my schlong with liquid Nitrogen a few hours ago and it stings so much.......


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

S-house said:


> Thanks virtual friends,
> 
> I have been a bit colder to her ever since I read your advices. It seems to work.......
> 
> ...


Sorry to here this. This cuts pretty deep. Not only has she betrayed you but she has brought back with it life long consequences to both in the form of an STD. 

I don't know how anyone gets past this. I just don't.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Sorry to here this. This cuts pretty deep. Not only has she betrayed you but she has brought back with it life long consequences to both in the form of an STD.
> 
> I don't know how anyone gets past this. I just don't.


Who knows, he may have given it to her.

Depending on what strain you have, its easily clearable. Cease from intercourse for 7 weeks. Every time you have sex with her, both of you are just re-infecting each other.


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## S-house (May 26, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> . Cease from intercourse for 7 weeks. Every time you have sex with her, both of you are just re-infecting each other.


We haven't done it in weeks now.
Shouldnt be a problem to cease action.....

How Pathetic I have become..... *sigh*

Thank you all


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

S-house really sorry to have you here.

As you probably realise, your wife is and has been playing you were a fool for some time now.

You have to accept that not only is he a cheater but she is an accomplished liar and is very disrespectful too.

Why would you want to stay with her after all this ? Do you have children together ? It is complete rubbish that she didn't sleep with her co-worker - of course she did. She is minimising, lying, trickle truthing (basically every trick in the book) to deceive you.

You are not a doormat - just a good but gullible man. You will be a doormat if you continue to accept her "apology" and rug sweep the whole issue. This is not a marriage and she is not "marriage material".

How did you get the HPV virus ? Has she accepted that she got infected and then infected you ? Which would mean that her cheating was physical (even the second one).

Follow the advice here on doing the 180, exposing her, protecting yourself (physically, health-wise and financially) and filing for divorce. You need to be able to walk away from her to gain anything from this.

Take care my friend.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to take this woman down off the pedestal, it is not good for either of you. A marriage has to be between to equals not one elevated above one another. There is still this latent issue with ED that will have long term issues if you do not deal with the underlying problems. I suggest you seek counseling to work through this issue for yourself. There should be a point where this will change and the two of you get into marriage counseling to resolve the remaining issues and rebuild the relationship. If you ignore this and sweep this under the rug, you will be susceptible to this reoccurring somewhere down the road. Best wishes to you and your family.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Read this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Follow every exercices, and every advices you will read in this book, do fully what he said.

Then except you, her and her both APs -don't believe her when she says she said that for appear cool- who knows about it ?

Maybe its time to test her remorse by asking her to expose herself, to your and her family.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

s-house

HPV is the gift that keeps on giving.

Are you mad at your wife now? You should be after that shot to your pecker.....


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

S-house said:


> Hello all
> Please excuse my language, as I am not a native English speaker.
> I am a married man (41 Y/o + 2 children). Married for 12 years now. Never cheated, and as a matter of fact I have adored my wife ever since I met her. She has always been highly intelligent and a stunningly beautiful woman. Looking at her naked, I have always felt as if she was the most beautiful thing I could ever imagine. And this thing is mine!. I was the happiest man alive. Honestly.
> My main problem was that I avoided fights and always tried to please her and make her happy, even on my own expanse. And that was kind of fine with me.
> ...


 Because your letting your little head do all the thinking instead of the head on your shoulders.

The only thing you see is boobs buns and what she has between her legs instead of who she is. She's a liar, cheat and one you cant's trust and until you reclaim your brain from the head of your penis your in deep trouble. 

She knows that she turns you on and if she can rug sweep this with some sex she'll do it and once your happy with it then she can continue.

Wise up and and start taking control over yourself. She's not making a fool out of you, your doing it yourself now.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

OP - Your original post mentioned a lot about phone sex and chatting. You didn't mention her meeting with any of these men. She's got some 'splaining to do because another mans **** has been inside of her.

If she didn't meet up with chat lover it may have been the workplace guy. The genital warts on her nether region may be THE reason to not have sex with you.

Please wake up, get pissed off and get the answers you deserve.

~ Passio


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Oh yeah.. And a quick scan of info on HPV will be a page turner.

She has now put both of your lives at greater risk of cancer. A quote from the CDC website.

"Does HPV cause cancer?

HPV can cause cervical and other cancers including cancer of the *vulva, vagina, penis, or anus*. It can also cause cancer in the *back of the throat, including the base of the tongue and tonsils* (called oropharyngeal cancer)."

Pissed off yet?

~ Passio


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