# Messed up my 180, feeling ashamed



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I would appreciate some words of encouragement & moral support as I feel miserable all over again. My STBX left me & our newborn 4 months ago. I spent the first 2+ months begging only to be rejected. He had given me a lot of mixed signals then gone cold - I finally realised he wasn't interested so I began to detach & do the 180.

I was doing really well, IMO. I stopped living in the past and started looking forward. My ex then reached out to me a week ago, asking about our daughter. My replies were polite but to the point & I would be the first to end the conversation. He has messaged me 3 times in the span of one week but not to get back together.

Yesterday he messaged again to ask about the divorce. I told him I would be filing next week & he said okay. I then told him I am disappointed in his lack of initiative as a father & never paying child support. He got defensive, said he needed to pay his brother back bla3...

I then told him that texting isn't a good idea and he said we would always be friends. I said "How do I stay friends when I am still in love with you? Sometimes I am over it & sometimes I am not"

STBX: "sorry but even if you aren't over it, it would never work out."
Me: (crushed) "Yeah we were never compatible..."
STBX: "glad you can see that. I always knew deep down but I tried so hard to stay for our daughter" (pfft for what, 3 weeks?!)

I then apologised for the heavy stuff because "my feelings come & ago" & thanked him for reminding me that we are better off as friends. 

I feel like I ****ed up BIG TIME. I brought my guard down. I let him know how I was feeling. Why on EARTH did I do that?! ? I was in control & now I gave him back the power, he probably feels soo great about himself now.

Anyone perhaps let their emotions get the better of them? I love him but I am starting to dislike him & would prefer if he thought I was over him. He has never once apologised for abandoning us. I feel so little for letting him know how I truly feel. How do I feel better? My parents are overseas, I am now alone in the house with a baby & it has been really tough. Help please...


----------



## brapping (Apr 13, 2016)

Wow. Definitely don't beat yourself up for baring your emotions to somebody you still feel attachment to in such a traumatic and confusing time. Here is my perspective...bear in mind I am a male.

Judging by your last paragraph, you are on the right path. You tried to make it work, that was not weakness, it was your goodwill and desire to do what is RIGHT. Now, you seem to see that is off the table, and you are beginning a process of healing and forging a new path to what is right. 

Feeling better will happen a little at a time. My advice is to savor this precious time with your child. He really is missing out. It has nothing to do with compatibility. He was weak, cowardly even. You are strong and sweet.

Work on yourself. Forge yourself into the person you want to be. physically, mentally, and spiritually. Surpass him. Transcend this. Start with the hardest thing first. Remember that as a sword is forged, it is on fire, beaten, bent and shaped.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why would you ever want to be his friend? The most he deserves from you is to be a distant memory. 

You can't force him into your child's life, as you know, but he is responsible in a legal sense. You can open the door to knowing his kid, but he must choose to walk through that door. So far, he's been running clear away. 

File first thing on Monday. That's how you start to get your power back. And stop beating yourself up. We all make mistakes - we are human. Your daughter needs you at your finest.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why would you care what he thinks about you or your feelings for him.This "man" and I use that term loosely is an immature,selfish fool.I have a baby daughter and I don't care who I owe money to,her needs come first.Him using the excuse that because he owes his brother money he can't pay child support is ludicrous.
File on Monday and get this loser out of you and your child's life.


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

First of all, he's an ass for leaving you with a newborn. He's responsible for that child and to completely desert you when you have a newborn is probably the worst thing a partner can do. Suck it up buttercup, grow some balls and take care of your kid. So easy to say "it wouldn't work out when you're not the one staying up in the middle of the night, taking care of a baby 24 hours/day. Can you imagine having a baby and leaving that baby because "it wouldn't work out"? 

Ok so he's a baby himself and he's not willing to be a father. Fine. So you let your guard down, you just had a baby a few months ago. It's an emotional time and to be left holding the parenting bag alone is REALLY crappy. Money doesn't cut it, you need someone there to take care of the kid. Maybe you still love him or you're just scared of being alone with a newborn, regardless don't beat yourself up for saying what you believe is true. It's not a power game. 

Get full custody, get rid of this fool. He is not a father and does not deserve to have any connection to his child until the child decides he/she wants to see the father. Any man or woman who deserts a newborn is not a parent and doesn't deserve to have any rights to their child. What a coward. 

If he couldn't pay child support he should have put on a condom. It's that simple.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am truly sorry this is happening to you, sadly it sounds like you married a man in name only, he may carry the mantle of husband and father but he suffers from a huge deficiency of maturity in filling those titles. Right now redirect all that love towards your child, file as soon as possible and have the courts garish his wages in order to pay for child support...you need to do everything protect that child and yourself. As for him, he need to learn what it is to be accountable. Please don't beat yourself.


----------



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Louise McCann said:


> I would appreciate some words of encouragement & moral support as I feel miserable all over again. My STBX left me & our newborn 4 months ago. I spent the first 2+ months begging only to be rejected. He had given me a lot of mixed signals then gone cold - I finally realised he wasn't interested so I began to detach & do the 180.
> 
> I was doing really well, IMO. I stopped living in the past and started looking forward. My ex then reached out to me a week ago, asking about our daughter. My replies were polite but to the point & I would be the first to end the conversation. He has messaged me 3 times in the span of one week but not to get back together.
> 
> ...


NC isn't something you can master right away. It takes practice but each time you slip and get hurt you learn. I don't know what it is about becoming a father but that seems to be a time men leave their wives. Sorry that is happening to you. It hurts but it is also a blessing to see his true colors and get out. What kind of man leaves their wife alone with a baby? A disordered selfish one you can't trust. 

Have you heard of grey rock? Since you have a kid together you might have to have some contact with him but don't respond beyond polite facts. Be a boring grey rock. Don't respond to texts unless you have to and kept it impersonal. 

Keep reading about other people's experiences. Somehow our stories are all so similar. Lots of supportive people here. 

((Hugs))


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please do what you need to do to force him to pay child support.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it would have been better not to have had that conversation but these things happen. Go back to the 180. Focus on you and your child. I know it's difficult but with time it becomes easier.


----------



## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

11 weeks tomorrow since my wife walked, it doesn't get any easier, i can't imagine how you must be feeling, a new baby and he hit the bricks, why are so many people so very cruel. I can only tell you what you already know, that it is a nightmare being the one left behind, left behind with all the memories whist the other partner is released from this, it isn't easy. Your emotional response to him is understandable and the 180 is the way to go, but when you mix in the baby, his mixed messages it is reasonable to let your guard down and feel that you messed up, remember this, he walked out on you and the baby, this in my world is borderline criminal, you feel what you need to feel, no rules broken, you are determined to move on and that is an individual path you take with no guilty feelings, he should be feeling like hell, but won't be, you stay strong and get back on course, the road ahead will be bumpy but it will take you where you need to be, best of luck.

Love and Peace always.

KevinZX


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm sorry... But he should feel ashamed for what he has done!! You made a mistake, next time you feel the urge to respond or talk with him- call a friend, re-read this thread or better yet take that beautiful baby out for a walk!! 

I agree Monday FILE and get it started. He will have to pay child support as they will take it out of his paycheck.. You might even get some from the day he left. He is a coward and I'm sure the attorney will make sure you get what you need to raise this baby. Please don't communicate with this guy. If he asks about his daughter again say she is beautiful and is the best baby!! Keep it short and positive.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Louise McCann said:


> I would appreciate some words of encouragement & moral support as I feel miserable all over again. My STBX left me & our newborn 4 months ago. I spent the first 2+ months begging only to be rejected. He had given me a lot of mixed signals then gone cold - I finally realised he wasn't interested so I began to detach & do the 180.
> 
> I was doing really well, IMO. I stopped living in the past and started looking forward. My ex then reached out to me a week ago, asking about our daughter. My replies were polite but to the point & I would be the first to end the conversation. He has messaged me 3 times in the span of one week but not to get back together.
> 
> ...


Your other thread "How to Win Back Spouse If I Was the Abuser" tells a slightly different version. You say here in this thread he abandoned you but in the other thread you admit you abused him physically (slapping him more than once ) and emotionally (called him names like useless, stupid & retarded). Now you want him to apologize to his abuser. 

Really? 

Yes, he owes you child support. No, I don't think he owes you an apology. He owes your child a working relationship with you as co - parents. 

Consider starting a thread called how to convince my abused husband I really want to effectively co-parent.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Really?
> 
> Yes, he owes you child support. No, I don't think he owes you an apology. He owes your child a working relationship with you as co - parents.
> 
> Consider starting a thread called how to convince my abused husband I really want to effectively co-parent.


Hello. At the time I made that thread I was in a lot of pain and emotionally all over the place. Yes I was an abusive girlfriend. But I 100% became better after we got married. Does that excuse my previous behaviour? Absolutely not! 

He was always so kind to me before. After I got pregnant, I realised my mistakes and did try to get better. I attended therapy & had been on meds prior to pregnancy. He even told me he was happy & that I had gotten so much better. 

That's not to say he hasn't called me names or even spat at me before. **** goes down during arguments sometimes. Anyway, we had not argued in months before his departure! 

After birth, hormones, stress, recovery, plus the fact that he wasn't very involved, I did yell at him TWICE. The second time I called him names. Was that wrong? Of course. Do I think it warrants him to simply walk out without a goodbye to his baby, never to return? Not at all. If you think his behaviour is acceptable, then okay good for you - you do you. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

He lied to everybody about the events that took place during his departure. Saying my parents were torturing him?! They weren't even there. Why would he need to lie if I was so abusive that him running away was indeed valid? He has been completely absent from our daughter's life and there is no excuse for that, so NO, I have no plans to start any such thread.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Yes I am imperfect. I still attend therapy every week. I still have issues to be addressed; physical abuse as a child, sexually perverse uncle, date rape as a teenager...the list goes on. However this thread was meant for my own healing, the 180 & how I feel as though I slipped.

I am very hurt that you think his walking out on my family is my fault. I still blame myself & do harbour that guilt, but considering that he chose to marry me despite my shortcomings & the fact that I did actively make changes. He was very nice to me during the tumultuous girlfriend-boyfriend relationship but during the relatively stable and unexciting marriage with a pregnant wife was when he checked out. Also, do note that my relationship with him has little to do with his responsibility as a father and his relationship with our daughter. As far as abandoning his child goes and leaving me with 100% of the care & financial responsibilities, Yes I do think he should have apologised.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I am feeling very emotional now. Idky I feel hypersensitive, the littlest bit of criticism really affects me and shakes me to my core.  I would appreciate if the focus of the thread stays on this thread... nobody knows the full story. I painted myself as this wicked sadistic abuser while he the perfect man, but I was in a very bad place & still am. 

For what it's worth, my STBX has called me names too & shouted at me in public before, while I was pregnant. He has told me how wayward I am in terms of religion (funny because now I hear he has stopped practising), tried to fight my father & has stolen off me. He had exposed my secrets to others even to my parents, made fun of my mental illness & past drug abuse issues as a teen... I have also financially supported him from day 1, paid off his rent, his loans, his school, his driver's license... I am not excusing my past abusive behaviour but I do want people to know that I am not all monster.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Yes I am imperfect. I still attend therapy every week. I still have issues to be addressed; physical abuse as a child, sexually perverse uncle, date rape as a teenager...the list goes on. However this thread was meant for my own healing, the 180 & how I feel as though I slipped.
> 
> I am very hurt that you think his walking out on my family is my fault. I still blame myself & do harbour that guilt, but considering that he chose to marry me despite my shortcomings & the fact that I did actively make changes. He was very nice to me during the tumultuous girlfriend-boyfriend relationship but during the relatively stable and unexciting marriage with a pregnant wife was when he checked out. Also, do note that my relationship with him has little to do with his responsibility as a father and his relationship with our daughter. As far as abandoning his child goes and leaving me with 100% of the care & financial responsibilities, Yes I do think he should have apologised.


I recall your other thread, and slipping on the 180 does happen. Just keep trying. But, your husband is probably doing a 180, too, so ...keep that in mind. He does need to be responsible for his kid, though, no matter how he feels about you. I don't blame him for leaving you though, you hit him a few times. Honestly, you both sound not ready at all for a serious relationship, and I hope that you heal. You will heal if you stop having hope over this guy, and just focus on you and your child.


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> I recall your other thread, and slipping on the 180 does happen. Just keep trying. But, your husband is probably doing a 180, too, so ...keep that in mind. He does need to be responsible for his kid, though, no matter how he feels about you. I don't blame him for leaving you though, you hit him a few times. Honestly, you both sound not ready at all for a serious relationship, and I hope that you heal. You will heal if you stop having hope over this guy, and just focus on you and your child.


I remember you too, thank you dear for hearing me out once again  

I too don't blame him for leaving, my past behaviour was unacceptable! Looking back, even though the abuse stopped, the damage had already been done. During the marriage, I was pregnant and fatigued, less affectionate and put most of my attention into work and building our future as a family. I guess he wanted more of the passion and loving feelings of a relationship and wasn't ready for something so serious. He is young, I get it and I do not blame him at all. I would have left long ago.

However, he stayed & we made a promise to wipe the slate clean, better ourselves & work hard on our marriage - I do feel hurt that he led me to believe he was so happy as a husband & proud of me seeking help + changing, never communicated otherwise, only to end things via text message without a goodbye to our child & I. He left me cold turkey and blamed me for everything, even the lack of relationship between him & our child.

I am not lying when I say that we rarely fought as husband and wife & he was always in a good mood. That was why I had initially blamed myself entirely, and went into detail about the abusive nature of the relationship primarily BEFORE marriage. I just don't think he should have married me and moved to my home country if he didn't plan on staying and being a father to our daughter. He never even tried, not even for a month and simply threw his family away.

Almost 4 months since he has seen her, he has not once made any plans to or discussed parenting. He hasn't even asked specific questions about her wellbeing or growth. It's always "how is my princess?" & "aww so cute", that is it. He rarely asks for photos & when he does it's simply an act to prove he cares or something, IDK. He recently bought a car, smokes cigarettes daily, is active on social media & dating sites. While we were together, he stopped posting on social media & disliked that I did. I was not allowed to post any selfies without his permission. He has time for all that now & regardless of our failed marriage, WHY can't he just put in the effort into being there for his child and providing support, I will never know. 

I don't know if he's doing the 180, I think he's simply detached and living his new life as a free man. Last time I saw him, he told me how awful his brother was and how his dad made his life a living hell. He seemed much more happy while in the abusive relationship, perhaps because he only wanted a girlfriend not wife and child.

I am deeply ashamed of my past but you are RIGHT, Diedre, I don't think I am ready to be in any relationship until I fix myself & face my demons. I hope I will be strong enough to be the best role model for my daughter even though it hurts that she will grow up without a dad. 

The folks at TAM have helped me immensely at seeing things objectively and helping me to move forward and heal. I take criticism to heart at times (something I need to work on) but for the most part everyone has been non-judgemental and very supportive. For that, I will forever be grateful <3


----------

