# Is companionship enough?



## wannabehappy (Dec 27, 2013)

I found this on line today while looking for some answers:
"A good marriage is best friends with passion. Without the passion, you just have a friendship. For some, being companions is sufficient. But for most, it is not."

That sums up my issues to a tee. Until recently I convinced myself I am okay with a good companion, but we had a blow out that lasted over a month back in September followed by a heart to heart after we finally made up and he admitted that he knows his lack of intimacy and communication skills are ruining our marriage, then proceeded to do absolutely NOTHING to improve it. 

He made it pretty clear going in some 13+ years ago he was without passion, and I guess I accepted it or at least settled for all the rest of what he had to offer, but the no communication thing is killing me. He just refuses to talk. When I try to talk to him, I am usually met with - not now, you will ruin my dinner or not now, I won't be able to sleep or work or whatever. Sometimes he just starts a fight and talks over me so it goes nowhere. I find myself having whole converstaions with him in my head because I can't really have them out loud. 

I guess the biggest thing now is I am thinking am I now expecting him to change just because he acknowledged he should? We've been sleeping in separate rooms for over a month and a half this last time, and I get the sense he is ok with that as long as we can pretend nothing is wrong in public, eat meals and watch tv together. The limbo is making me insane, though.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Could you give him an ultimatum? Not necessarily divorce but " If you do not show me X,Y and Z. Then I have no other choice but to do X,Y, and Z." What some couple don't realize is that one spouse INACTION can be as detrimental to the marriage as the other spouse ACTION.

Could he be in depression? Having an affair?

Would he listen to you if you put it in a letter?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

What are you trying to talk about that he will not address? Is this a sexless marriage issue?


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## wannabehappy (Dec 27, 2013)

I have found recently that texting him seems more production becuz he can't talk over me. But that only seems to ocassionally get him to listen, not to respond or to act. I have also written him letters - he tears them up and tells me he can't talk to me because it's like arguing with a lawyer. 

What set the whole thing off in September was that he sent 70 text messages back and forth with a women we know at our social club, despite me telling him after she first texted him that evening, that I thought the two of them texting was inappropriate. She is single and known for her attraction to married men. So the texting went on all evening, unbeknowst to me, then, when I fell asleep that night, he went to the local bar and met up with her. I woke up at 1:30, found him missing, called him and he came right home, very drunk. The next morning when I asked him why he went (he NEVER does that - rarely do either of us go anywhere without the other) and who was there, he conveniently left her out of the list of people we knew there. He deleted all the texts, also. I know that sounds REALLY incriminatiing, and I went ballistic when I found out, particularly because of the texts, but I honestly don't think he is capable of cheating. What kept the whole thing so painful to me was that, while he insisted nothing happened, he never really acknowledged the hurt I was feeling at the betrayal (even if nothing happened, it was still a betrayal as far as I am concerned). He ended up in the guest room where he stayed for over a month until I forced a discussion. It was the next day that he had a bit of a breakdown, again while he was a bit drunk, and he acknowledged that letting things go unresolved like that was hurting us and he was going to make serious attempts to fix it. Then nothing.


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## wannabehappy (Dec 27, 2013)

It's not a sexless marriage, that's the strange part. Although that is not to say there are not issues with intimacy in that regard, as well. Of course being in separate rooms for 3 out of the last 4 months means recently no sex. I think the worst part for me is that after all these years of just thinking I should accept him being disfunctional with regards to communication and intimacy, I thought we were finally going to make some progress when it was HIM that brought it all up. It was in response to something I had said to him weeks before. He told me he had thought about it and I was right and he needed to make some changes.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

First of all, he IS capable of cheating on you. The evidence? Because he DID! He protected his access to her at your expense...betrayed you for an opportunity to be with another woman whether he had sex with her or not. 

Now he's trying to avoid talking because it would require him to take responsibility for what he did. This represents him being forced to acknowledge that he failed you, AND it means he (theoretically) won't be able to exercise that option again. If he doesn't have to talk to you, then it's the same as getting away with it. 

In fact, he is so desperate to protect that avenue that he slept in other room for over a month! 

There's a reason he's unhappy with your relationship. It would serve you well to figure out what that is and whether it's worthwhile to change you while you require changes of him.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your husband sounds like mine as younger person. There are some cases where men fear, or are not comfortable with, intimacy. We se the warning signs early on but we ignore them and then when we finally are left out to die in the dessert something finally kicks us in the head and says, 'something is wrong.'

Do yourself a big big favor and read about emotional unavailable men. There many great books that might help. This comes from his childhood but what needs to happen is an awareness not only on his part but you have to learn how to react to him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are kidding yourself if you think he's not capable of cheating. I believed that too once and it's why my husband turned into an ex-husband.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Without communication and intimacy, I don't see the point of marriage. Keep explaining this to my wife but it seems to fall on deaf ears. She seems to be of the opinion that because I value these things, there is something wrong with me and I need to figure out how to accept it.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## wannabehappy (Dec 27, 2013)

No, I didn't mean he wasn't capable, of course he is capable, and I agree that what he did was cheating regardless of where it ended up. I mean I didn't think his intention was to cheat, although I don't know what his intentions were because he has not explained it to me. I just cannot believe he would be that stupid to meet her 3 blocks from home in a bar that we both frequent and EVERYONE knows all of us. It's a very small town. In fact, that's how I found out. The very next day we were at the club and someone told me. 

He has MANY opportunities to cheat and I've never felt threatened about it. And I decided at some point to get passed that, believing he did not sleep with her or intend to sleep with her. People that know her well and are friends have adamantly insisted nothing happened that night and she is the type that loves to brag, so I see no reason for her to hide this one. 

The issue now is that once I dedided to give in and forgive it, he seemed so relieved and committed to making our communication better. He was not happy sleeping in the other room, that was my doing. But once I realized he had no intention of following thru with making things better between us, I kicked him right back into the guest room. Now I'm wondering if I am losing my feelings for him because he makes no attempt to fix things.


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## wannabehappy (Dec 27, 2013)

And as much as it seems like he is emotionally unavailable, he doesn't fit any of the profiles. He doesn't want to NOT be with me. He doesn't have a history of bouncing around from relationship to relationship. He just wants our relationship on his terms, no talking about feelings or anything but trivial things, nothing that can hurt. But that's what hurts me. I lilke to get it all out there and get on with life. He likes to pretend there is nothing to get out there. This goes way past the "affair".


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He's not meeting your needs in regards to conversation but runs off at the first opportunity to talk to another woman...

I could be completely off base with this, but I'll put it out there anyway.

Is it possible he doesn't like talking to you about anything but trivial stuff because of your own reactions? Years of pent up frustration that he might feel he can't say anything to improve the situation anyway. Can you talk about anything serious, like future goals etc? Maybe you could start on slightly serious, make him feel safe in voicing his opinions then gradually move onto more serious stuff as he becomes more comfortable with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chloesmum (Dec 27, 2013)

My marriage sounds a lot like yours in some ways. We've been married 20 years, and he used to communicate somewhat, but now he holds everything in. I think the big difference with us is that he tries to drink his problems away, and there is no sexual relationship whatsoever with us. I am more than willing to sit and listen to anything he wants to talk about and have told him numerous times, plus when we have sat down to have a heart-to-heart, I sit and listen without opening my mouth at all. I just listen so that he'll feel comfortable talking, but now he talks to the bottle instead. Part of me wants to leave but then I worry sick about what he'll do if he is alone, if he would literally drink himself to death. I feel I need to stick around to make sure that doesn't happen. His mother tells me that his Dad doesn't talk either which drives her insane but somehow they've managed to stay married for 56 years. I have no idea how!!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Having had a sexless marriage with poor companionship, I won't ever settle for less than a great companion AND passion. I found it the second time around, and the difference in happiness and contentment is incomparable.

Besides, I have great friends - I don't need one who won't talk to me.


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

My marriage is like yours, but reversed. I am emotionally unavailable because of my husband's cheating and very recent drug issue. I have closed myself off to him. #1 I can't trust him to love me, because he took my soul and crushed it. #2 I can't be honest with him, because he's a narcissist and a martyr and always makes it about him.

At this point in my life, I don't need passion or intimacy. I don't need it. I actually don't NEED anything from him, nor do I want anything from him. We are good friends and good room mates and good parents. As far as being married, we suck at it.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello,
I think we can feel from your post that your husband needs to bring change in his way of being for you guys to have a better and stronger Relationship. 
What about you? What may be the things you would be willing to work on to get that stronger bound?
What I seem to see in your writing is that your boundaries are maybe not completely set, or maybe you don't really believe in them. How long will you let this miscommunication destroy your Relationship but mostly destroying you?
Do you feel that your are enough? Do you feel that your are Worth it? 
Your husband seems to show some good intention to be better, but there is no commitment. Why do you think? What seems to hold him back? On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 not being committed and 10 completely committed, where is he on that scale? What about you?
Let's be honest about it, are both of you in the same both going in the same direction?
No matter who is more at fault in a marriage, both of you guys have to work on it. Both of you have to paddle that both forward to move.
Here are some questions to ponder over with your boyfriend:
-On a scale from 1 to 10, how committed are you to this marriage?
-Why is it important to you? Honestly...
-How are we going to get there? What do we need to try differently?
-What may be one action step that we can do this week?
-How are we going to make sure that we are going to stay on track? How can we help each other to stay on track?
- How can we reward ourselves?


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## wannabehappy (Dec 27, 2013)

I am fully aware I may be a big part of the problem. I know for a fact that I could start a conversation as soon as he walks in the door tonight and he would be receptive and probably break down. He doesn't like what's going on. But I'm soooo sick of being the only one to break the ice or act in any way that I care. And to be honest, the longer we stay separate in the same house with him NOT making any moves to reconcile whatsoever, the more I feel like he doesn't care and the more I wonder why I'd want to be with someone who doesn't care. He fully expects that at a certain point, I'll just get over whatever I am upset about and that will be the end of it. I'm just tired of getting over it instead of working thru it. 

I made an appt yesterday with my old therapist. She helped me work through my anger issues many years ago. I'm hoping she can shed some light on my current problems, be they mine or his or ours. 

As far as him feeling he can't talk to me, that's just not the case. I don't allow him to fight with me. I don't find that's helpful. The thing that set this off the most recent time was that I was trying, without being nasty or loud (and believe me, it was an all out conscious effort to do so) that I felt resentment for something he'd done. Before I could get thru the sentence, he was yelling at me, calling me controlling, saying all I wanted to do was argue. I couldn't get another word in edgewise with all his yelling and then he stormed outside. The great escape. If I were to start it up again when he came back in, it would be me trying to keep the arguement going, even though I didn't want to argue in the first place. Very typical.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Well, what may be a list of 5 things that need to change in your communication? Ask you husband as well what may be 5 things he needs to change in his way of talking.


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## johndz (Dec 19, 2013)

I just noted a common behavior. Men and women get married with passion. The man is a kind of heroe, and she loves him, but she dont want other women see him attractive, then issues start, the man want to avoid problems and try to focus in his spouse. she notices that he is now only a nice guy, not the macho man he was once. He then has depression becuase he feel like only a shadow of himself, a complete man.


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