# My horrible insecurities, please help!



## java (Jan 15, 2009)

My emotional insecurities are growing and making him nuts. I have a therapist I see on a regular basis but what do I do in between sessions when I feel insecure, depressed, jealous, and mistrusting? He has never given me a reason to mistrust him. I am usually the one in other relationships that seeks to have my emotional void filled by someone else if my spouse isn’t doing it. I don’t want to do anything wrong, hurt him, etc. I just can’t get passed my own horrible inner feelings that haunt me constantly. Is he doing something wrong? Talking to someone? What is he doing on the computer? It’s killing me, my nerves are shot and I am an emotional wreck. When I briefly get over these feelings for a week or so we are so close together….but then the feelings come back when he is busy or distracted and I begin wondering again, questioning everything and then it pushes him away. I am driving both of us crazy. 

I am tired of feeling down and so totally insecure about who I am, if he loves me, is he searching for something else. My growing insecurities are ruining our relationship and if I don’t get a handle on myself, my feelings, insecurities, and soon, we are never going to make it.

Please help! What has worked for anyone else?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I am sorry to hear that. I too have the very same issues and I did drive my husband away. Please work on yourself before it is too late. Maybe you need a different type of therapy. I am going to be starting a therapy called EMDR. I don't know if it works but right now I will try anything to change!


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

What does that mean? EMDR? How did you drive him away? My husband's tolerance and patience for me is dwindling. I make things worse on myself bc I start believing something MUST be going on when really there is no evidence. He is tired of not being trusted. But he loves me and says there isn't anyone else he would put up with this from besides me. I feel like I am falling apart mentally and emotionally. How did I get like this?  I guess in reality I know why I am so mixed up but I don't know how to be different...how to stop hurting inside and believe and have faith and trust. Its so painful. 

I am sorry he left. Are you sure that is why he left?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The insidious thing about what you are experiencing is that constantly dwelling and questioning a partner about their commitment out of fear of losing them - will ultimately make the thing you fear, come true.

Have you tried turning those thoughts more inward? Or turning them around? Instead of questioning him, turn the question on yourself. What should you be doing to focus on your best self, instead of wondering if you can hang on to your partner.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Yes, I do this daily...constantly. I am my own worst enemy he says....I am trying to not obsess and focus on my own issues and trying to stop getting so caught up in his...I am trying to realize he has things he likes...even if they drive me crazy when he does them...like facebook....but I am an over jealous person. I can tell he loves me...I have to focus on that more and not the negatives and maybe that will be the ticket. Thanks.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Java,

I used to be like this with my wife. Fortunately, I'm much better at the moment.

Have you ever had problems with anxiety/depression? Ever got medical advice?

I have, for years, and I think these feelings were also part of it. Maybe some sort of OCD too - yeh, there is a thing called relationship OCD.

Just an idea....


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

java said:


> My emotional insecurities are growing and making him nuts. I have a therapist I see on a regular basis but what do I do in between sessions when I feel insecure, depressed, jealous, and mistrusting? He has never given me a reason to mistrust him. I am usually the one in other relationships that seeks to have my emotional void filled by someone else if my spouse isn’t doing it. I don’t want to do anything wrong, hurt him, etc. I just can’t get passed my own horrible inner feelings that haunt me constantly. Is he doing something wrong? Talking to someone? What is he doing on the computer? It’s killing me, my nerves are shot and I am an emotional wreck. When I briefly get over these feelings for a week or so we are so close together….but then the feelings come back when he is busy or distracted and I begin wondering again, questioning everything and then it pushes him away. I am driving both of us crazy.
> 
> I am tired of feeling down and so totally insecure about who I am, if he loves me, is he searching for something else. My growing insecurities are ruining our relationship and if I don’t get a handle on myself, my feelings, insecurities, and soon, we are never going to make it.
> 
> Please help! What has worked for anyone else?


So tell me this, how does your husband treat you? What does he do to make you feel special, loved, and especially what does he do to make you feel that to him you are sexually attractive?

Know this, sexual attraction and emotional connection are intertwined between the man and the woman in a relationship, there is not one without the other.

You ask what has worked for anyone else. 

I will tell you what the one thing is that does work, and that is for the good man to not neglect his responsibility to let his woman know she is desired, loved, and secure in the relationship.

This is most likely a relationship issue, that your man is probably neglecting his responsibility to show you how he feels with you.

Stop beating yourself up over this as if there is something wrong with you, you are reacting perfectly normal in this situation, and doing what it is you should be doing, which is giving your man the "wake up call".

Instead, be very clear, not angry but serious, in communications to your man that this issue, how you are feeling insecure, but instead do not word it as there is something YOU need, instead word it as something the RELATIONSHIP is needing.

This is putting the focus not on making you feel bad about yourself as if you were "broken", but instead to put yourself and your man as partners to repair together the relationship.

I wish you well.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Thank you! He is open minded most of the time...but he knows I have needy and emotional issues sometimes that take me over. That is where the problems are. 

PC yes, I have...been on the prozac, etc. and have been off a year...but have an appt with a doc in March to possibly go back on. I hate living in a cloud and feeling like a zombie to deal with life but sometimes I feel like I am dying when my insides are in such knots and I am so insecure and paranoid. He loves me....I just need more than he can handle sometimes. He says I am never fulfilled....

I hate that somehow I got so broken and don't know how to be normal again.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

You should try different meds. I changed mine from Paxil 2 years ago and I feel so much better. On the Paxil I was in a numb like daze. 
I agree with Deejo completely. I was constantly questioning and accusing and I felt like I was always sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the other shoe to drop. It drove my H insane. He stopped even trying to make me feel secure. He was so tired of it. He still mentions to this day that I never trusted him so why would I even want him back. One of the best things you can remember is: Be the type of spouse you would want to come home too. Would you want to come home from working late or wherever and have your spouse be all angry and pissy at you for no reason other than their imagination running wild? I know I wouldn't. I would want to come home to someone who was happy to see me and greet me in a loving way. Then I would enjoy coming home. Try to remember that each day. 
The very thing I feared has become my reality and it sucks.
Look up EMDR Therapy. It has to do with helping to stop triggers in your brain. Like the jealousy thing or insecurity. For me I am also hoping it will stop me from getting too angry when we argue.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

I know I have anger issues too and I am taking measures for that as well....I let the smallest things get to me though and a lot of times deal with them badly.

I realized today that he instigates my insecurities. I never thought about it before..but I think even though he doesn't like me being needy and insecure he toys with my emotions and makes them worse. It gives him power if I am weak. 

He says things like he doesn't want to do something w/o me...but then turns around in the same conversation and says he doesn't want to but he basically wants to be able to if he sets his mind to it if I am unavailable. First he starts off with: I thought we could ride our motorcycles on Saturday.....oh you have to work...well maybe I will go by my self. Then says...he is kidding.....

So if I knew something in his emotions or in him is broken, I would never play with that emotion...I would always try to reinforce the way I feel so he doesn't feel like that. So he wants me to feel like that even more and expect its ok if he is "just kidding"?

Does anyone think that is really not an emotion to play with? Or am I crazy?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If he feels like he can't win, what's the difference? If he is bitter, and has lost his will to make a heavy emotional investment in the relationship, because he doesn't know what he can count on from you, the two of you are in a difficult situation.

Your connection becomes far more about who is feeding into who's negative energy instead of actually both working to build something positive.

I can tell you first hand, trying to emotionally carry a spouse struggling with issues sucks the life out of you, and then when they fall into the routine of challenging your commitment - it's like a double whammy. It kills any desire to save the relationship.

Hope this doesn't become the case with the two of you.


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## pinkflower21 (Mar 22, 2011)

Hello, I am new to this forum, but I recently was googling how to get over jealousy and insecurity problems and found this exact forum. I have the SAME exact issue that Java has posted. I am wondering if I can someway get in contact with Java to see what has helped her in her relationship. It really is the same exact story with me and my husband and I wanted to see if I could get some insight from her. Thanks so much.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Java- you can't blame him for your insecurities.
They are all in your head and you need to stop NOW or else you will lose him.

I was the same exact way as you are. Constantly worrying about all the "What If's" and having irrational fears pop into my head and cause me to freak out.
I obsessed over cell phone records, accusing him of talking/texting other women if there was a number I didn't recognize. I even went as far as having a friend call the numbers to see if there was a woman who answered.
Guess what? There wasn't. But that STILL wasn't enough for me. I still pushed. I still accused, and it got to the point where he couldn't take it any longer and he left.
He's been gone almost 2 months now. I made my worst fears happen. When the other poster said your own fears are causing things to happen, they are right.

Your anxiety/trust issues more than likely stem from your childhood or in the past where you were treated unkind.
For me, it stemmed from having an alcoholic mother who basically made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

Go to counseling, get on meds, practice self talk. Do whatever you need to do to stop projecting your fears on to your husband, or you WILL lose him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Read the books Depression Free Naturally and The Mood Cure. I used to be full of anxiety and I'm almost free of it through diet, exercise AND talk therapy. I hate meds because of the side affects so I found another way. It's hard though because I basically had to give up sugar, caffeine, white flour all those lovely things that wire me out and make me more anxious. I do the zone diet which is eating 5 times a day to keep my moods level and calm.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Hi

I've had bouts of insecurity and jealousy since I left an abusive marriage.

I have remarried, and the insecurities pop up now and then.

I found it incredibly valuable to be in therapy that uses a style called "cognitive behavioral therapy," (CBT) or "Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy." (REBT). 

If it's done correctly, the therapist will help you work through thoughts you are having that may be causing the most pain. It operates under the assumption that we have the power to change the way we think and perceive, and that many, if not all, problems of daily life are problems more because of how we look at them than what actually happened. 

In essence, you will work through, with a _qualified_, _trained_ therapist, to identify:

1). Events that trigger your feelings of insecurity
2). The thoughts and feelings you have when you feel insecure
3). Explore alternate ways of looking at the thoughts you are experiencing.

Specifically, this process gives you a way to explore such things as, is there any evidence that something happening the way we think it is? How would someone else view this situation? (Or, how would you react to someone else describing the same situation?) It can be a bit challenging, as it does ask you to really take a look at the thoughts you are thinking. 

This therapy, helped me deal with most of my feelings. I also took a medication for a while that helped take the edge off of some of my worry and depression. 

You can work your way out of this, and change the way you react to events in your life. 

It does not try to play down problems that are real, such as losing a job, or being a victim of a crime, but can help you get past thoughts and ruminations that play in your head that can make your life miserable.

If you are inclined to repeat something like "I lost my job, I'm worthless" over and over again, your therapist may help you look at the situation differently, such as (and an example that may not apply to everyone ) "I may have lost my job, but the unemployment rate is 40%, this is a good time to go to school." 

In my case, rather than thinking "My lover must not love me because her eyes have a faraway look, and certainly must be thinking about leaving me because perhaps her ex posted something on facebook," I was able to substitute "My lover just came home from work, she just got over the flu, her son hasn't called her in months, and the faraway look in her eyes might be because she's tired." My therapist also helped me deal with the time between therapies by encouraging me to go through the process of fixing the poisonous thoughts on my own. He provided me with some checklists and charts to fill out that asked me the same questions he asked in therapy. The CBT/REBT process is NOT rocket science, and can be done on your own once you get the hang of it. I was lucky to find a therapist who didn't believe that I needed to go to therapy forever, and who gave me self-help tools. 

For me, I was able to look at situations where I felt insecure when all of my lover's attention wasn't focused on me all the time by thinking "It's not all about me, maybe I should offer to rub her feet or get her a cup of tea."

I do believe, that had I not been able to reign in the bulk of my insecurities, they would have become self-fulfilling prophesies, and I'd be writing this as a single man.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

Ive had this same problem for 3 years. My poor husband  He is perfect to me. AND I KNOW THAT! Anyhow, it ruined our marriage ( we are still together and happy as every now) But it took ME 3 years to realize that if I didn't CHANGE quick, he was gonna get so sick of me and leave... or perhaps find someone else who didn't have these problems. This is what made me snap. Guys (especially) ones that are good no cheating, etc can't handle the insecurity's. Not trying to harsh, just trying to help, but you need to realize that if you continue this its not only going to make you depressed, and go crazy but him as well, and eventually he is going to detach himself from you emotionally and change as a husband, things will get hard and unhappy, and perhaps he could start to want to leave and find a someone else who doesn't have these problems. All this is coming from my own experience. Although my husband never left or found someone else. He did leave emotionally, detached, treated me differently, and became misreble. If you love him you will change. Forums like this helped me, googling "ways to become secure in marriage, medication, even, counsling, talking with my husband and laying it out that I have this problem and it has nothing to do with him that its my own insecurities and if he could help me. Talking with friends, loved ones about the situation, and mostly gaining confidence in yourself. Realizing that your husband TRULY loves you and he married you for a reason, right? He wants YOU and nobody else. You are beautiful to him and your his wife his #1. Start thinking that way and force these negative thoughts away and replace them with positive thoughts its hard to do but eventually it will get easier and they will go away. If he does something to hurt you, worry about it then, not now because he hasn't giving you a reason to and you are just hurting yourself [and him] doing so. It takes time to heal but you will if you "force" yourself that is what i'm working on... and our marriage is GREAT! good look


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

For every negative thought, think of 3 positive thoughts,, Ex: My husband wants someone else and not me.. 1. he married me for a reason 2. He tells me he loves me everyday etc 3. go give him a big hug and kiss and say I love you and his reaction will make you feel better. Think of ways he "loves" you and how good he is to you..


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## sisterk (Oct 7, 2011)

It was great reading about what other people aredealing with in regards to insecurities. As i know in my relationship I to feel insecure about my marriage and only because he too has done a few things that question my trust in him. He never cheated but was sneaky in a few things that really made me question his trust. He has made efforts to make me happy but i guess i want him to be happy about his choices too. There i should just appreciate his efforts and stop feeling blue. But if all this drama didnt unfold then i would not be feeling this way. I realized that I being a jerk I guess i can mildly say, lol , by when he would go out with his friends i would make him feel bad. Oh such bad things. I am trying to be nicer and much more understanding of his needs. I truly love him and will do anything to improve my well being and not seem like a weirdo. I just wish life could be easier and happier but with 6 kids and full time jobs im glad we are still hanging in there. Good luck to anyone else who feels this way. It truly is upsetting to read about yourself and realize u need to change your ways. I will just remind myself that yes he chose me and tells me he loves me all the time and that ireally shouldnt second guess it!!!!!!!!


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Bump this thread, don't know if the replies are helpful for me, but found it as I was searching "insecurity"



lam4391 said:


> For every negative thought, think of 3 positive thoughts,, Ex: My husband wants someone else and not me.. 1. he married me for a reason 2. He tells me he loves me everyday etc 3. go give him a big hug and kiss and say I love you and his reaction will make you feel better. Think of ways he "loves" you and how good he is to you..


This is very helpful, I need to try this. Thank you


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