# Depressed and husband feeling "empty"



## Downgirl (Feb 7, 2010)

Hello,

I am new to this site and I have been going through hell the last couple of days. I got married less then a year ago but have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We were so in love when we first started dating back in highschool to the point where we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. I couldn't even imagine spending my life with anyone else and so couldn't he. He was so emotionally available, always made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl out there and that I was so special to him, he was just different from any guy I have known and he is so special to me.

After being together for a few years I cheated on him for no reason, I guess I just wondered what it would be like to be with another guy, mind you there was absolutely no emotional connection with this other guy. I felt terrible and confessed to him, he was very angry and hurt and after going through hell we worked it out and stayed together. Our relationship after that was even more magical to me and I was so happy everyday that I had my boyfriend (husband now) but I know that my husband grew insecure and I don't know if he ever regained that trust but I know he still loved me by the way he acted.

Few years after that I broke his heart again (once again, I don't know why) and I ended up breaking up with him and was with my firend's brother for about a month), the whole time my husband was doing everything possible to get me back. After that I realized what a mistake I have made and that no on makes me feel better then my husband (boyfriend then) and we got back together. Throughout that time I went through alot and as soon as we got back together I had a panic attack one night. I called my boyfirend to come and take me to the hospital and he did (this was over 3 years ago) and ever since then I had a few panic attacks but it was the most terryfiying experience of my life. Soon after, I started noticing that nothing was making me happy anymore, we took a trip and I came back feeling empty, I started noticing that my feelings went flat, no love, sadness, nothing really about anything in my life. 

I went on thinking it was going to get better and I mentioned it to my BF a few times but I felt embarassed to talk about it because he is a very postive person and I didn't want to bring him down. I have felt emotionally numb about my life and my relationship since then. My BF would mention over the years that I am different, that I don't seem happy anymore, that I don't smile like I use to and that I don't have energy like before but I would lie and tell him its not true. 

I guess I never noticed that he started growing apart from me, mind you our sex life was still good but he always initiated it because I had no desire for it but before I loved having sex with him. Over the last couple of weeks I noticed a change on my husband, he was coming home late, as if he had no motivation to come home, he stopped saying I love you, he stopped calling me during the day, all things he use to do all the time before. THen, a few nights ago my world was shattered when he confessed to me that he has been feeling "empty" and he has no desire to come home to me and no motivation. When I asked him how long he felt this way he said already before the wedding but he thought that it would change after. Inthe 10 years we have been together he never said anything like this to me. I am devestated. Then he mentioned he is tired of always carrying everything on his shoulders and that he is always the one to put effort into everything and he is drained out.

I thought about this alot and I asked him if he may be feeling depressed, he said no and that he feels happy in general but I have noticed and he even admitted that he does not feel like talking to his friends like he use to and that he is not bothered by being alone, shopping alone, driving alone and he said before he always wanted to do things eiether with me or with a friend. So it looks like he doesn't need me anymore or care for me. THis has never happened before in all of the 10 years. Since he seems so withdrawn I mentioned to him he might be depressed but he says no and to stop putting that to his head. Over the past year I noticed he has not been contempt, he wanted to move out far together from our family, he started working out and started going shopping alot, which looks like he is trying to make himself happy and stop feeling empty. 

I don't understand, if out sex life is great (he says he still loves and cares for me and is still very attracked to me) then how can the mental just disappear??? WE are going to see a counsellor to talk about my depression ( i think I am depressed) and about our marriage problems. I am so confused now, did he just fall out of love with me or is he depressed? He claims that I haven't been the same since we got back together three years ago but to me its since the panic attacks. 

I just don't know what to do, he is obviously very devestated by this too and I can see it on his face everyday, its almost like he is trying to figure out what is happening to him and why he feels so empty about our marriage. He seems more agitated, frustrated and angry, he doesn't seem to need to talk ( he was never like that) to anyone including me. He mentioned that he wants to know what is going on and he desperataly wants to work things out.

Can anyone help??? Does he sound depressed? Could my depression have led to him feeling like this because I was withdrawn without even noticing it? OR he just doesn't love me anymore?? I am desperate for answers which he says he doesn't understand what it happening too.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Your the depressed one. Not sure why you cheated but hopefully your working on that.
It may very well be that you have rested on your arse too long. In your emptyness, pretending like it was not there to him. He knows you, he probably knows your lying and thinks there is some other reason.

If you love him, you need to pick yourself up, FORCE yourself to get the assistance you need while simultaneously working on the marriage with him.
He may or may not be depressed but if he is, it could very well be exactly what he said. You may not have been the partner that he is hoping for and you may not even realize it. Men are different thant women (most) in that we can separate sex from emotion pretty well and tend to need sex more often so dont try to use your measure of that and translate it to relationship..Just set that aside.

In my mind if he's willing to go to counseling you could not get there fast enough. If you guys dont feel progress pretty quickly, few weeks/month or two, switch counselors.

If he stuck by you through the mistakes, would e nice, if you love him, that you stick by him now and show him your willling to wake up from your coma, and start working harder to make him feel like your a part of the marriage.

Tell him your very sorry he feels this way and it does hurt.
Actions speak louder than words. Get moving.

You made it a long way through some pretty bad stuff. if this is just him getting worn down, you may be able to get it all back and then some.

wishing you the best!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He was too nice to you. This caused you to lose your desire for him. Sure you were willing to give him mercy sex but he knew that was what it was. So you were unhappy out of bed and when he asked why you lied about it and said you were fine. He knew you were lying - not good for building love/trust. 

He also could tell you had no desire for him. So you were faking it in and out of bed. If I were him - I would have been expecting you to go cheat on me again. Really. 

So if I was his best friend/close family member, I would have told him to get in shape and leave you. 

He needs to learn how to be tough/strong with you. Because his nice guy approach kills your desire and THAT makes you depressed.




Downgirl said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am new to this site and I have been going through hell the last couple of days. I got married less then a year ago but have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We were so in love when we first started dating back in highschool to the point where we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. I couldn't even imagine spending my life with anyone else and so couldn't he. He was so emotionally available, always made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl out there and that I was so special to him, he was just different from any guy I have known and he is so special to me.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't see what you've done that would give him a REASON to love you. All you talk about is how YOU feel, what YOU get, what YOU aren't getting. 

If you are like that in real life, I can see how he's just given up. You're all about yourself. Why should he WANT to be with you, if you are never about HIM?


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## Downgirl (Feb 7, 2010)

I will not lie and say that the stuff you guys said are not true. I guess I do sound a little selfish and are focussing on my own needs too much but I guess I just want my life back, my feelings and emotions so that I can feel happy again and start working on making our marriage happy. 

I know I have been terrible to him and you guys are right, sometimes I wonder what he did to deserve such a girl like me, when he deserves someone so much better and I bet you guys are right in saying that I am like this because he is way too good to me and always has been. He is really wonderful and I just don't know why I hurt him like this, I guess I am a terrible person and I am crying while writing this.

I just feel so guilty and I feel like I did this to him and I really did alot of damage to his emotions that he has been supressing for so long, but I guess he couldn't keep it in anymore. From what I am saying, do you guys see any hope for my relationship??? If he leaves I don't think I will ever forgive myself, I just feel so guilty for all the damage I caused to such a wonderful guy, it it wasn't for all that **** three years ago we wouldn't be where we are today.

I really need to believe that I and my husband will get better but I just can't stand seeing him like this and I know he is questioning his emptiness too. 

I just have one more question, if I have no emotions and a general apathetic feeling about everything is that depression?? I don't feel down (up until now) but I guess I have been feeling down for feeling nothing. What kind of depression could this be? I mean I still hang out with friends, I take care of myself, I work out, but I just feel like there is no true happiness in this, like I am just going through the motions. Or could this numbness be caused by anxiety, so maybe I have an anxiety disorder... I really don't know anymore... i am completely confused and hopeless right now.

I would appreciate any feedback from you guys!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I have no emotions and a general apathetic feeling about everything is that depression??


 Well, my first thought is psychopathy. Honestly. Everything you describe is for YOU. 

I'm pretty sure that the only reason you even care if your H is happy now is because you're about to lose him.

Print out your thread, find a psychologist, and have him/her read this thread and see what he thinks.

Honestly, if I were your husband, I would NOT be giving you a third chance. So, if you do intend to try, you'd better make it a damm GOOD try - ALL about him.


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## Downgirl (Feb 7, 2010)

Well thank you for your support Turnera! Is this what a depressed person should be hearing???? Actually, a psychopath as you have labelled me has no feelings of remorse or guilt.... which HELLO, I have been feeling very strongly always! So before you respond with such demeaning and de-motivating comments you should really think what state of mind the person on the other end could be in. 

Second, you don't know anything about me or my relationship. All I am asking is what kind of depression my symptoms could present and also if there is a possibility that my husband is depressed. 

Next time if you have nothing positive to say, please don't bother responding at all.


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## Downgirl (Feb 7, 2010)

We all make mistakes, and I agree that my husband has been too good to me in the past when we were still dating. I guess all this could be my punishment for doing all this to him in the past and now it is backfiring to me. I think I took him for granted all this time because no matter what I did I always came crying back to him wanting him back and he always took me back. 

I think I am just shocked with everything. I want to believe there is still hope for us and to cure my depression.

Can panic attacks lead to depression and emotional numbness?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand what you're looking for. You tell us how you continue to rip your husband's heart out, just 'because.' And now when he's upset, you're scrambling to save your marriage. What happens the NEXT time? After he's calmed down again, forgiven you again, is treating you nice again, and you get bored once more?

Like I said, take your thread to a real psychologist and ask them what THEY think. We are no experts, and you need one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, I am sorry if you feel insulted. That was not my intention. I just finished watching a House episode with a character that exhibited psychopathy, and it mirrored your situation somewhat. It was just an observation, given in the intention of providing you ideas, since you said you were looking for them. 

I know that if I were hurting or in a bad place, I'd be looking at everything everyone threw my way, just in case the answer is in there somewhere.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DG,
You want to show some commitment to him - start exercising every day. Start tomorrow. Make an effort to do all the healthy lifestyle stuff - it will improve yuour mood.





Downgirl said:


> I will not lie and say that the stuff you guys said are not true. I guess I do sound a little selfish and are focussing on my own needs too much but I guess I just want my life back, my feelings and emotions so that I can feel happy again and start working on making our marriage happy.
> 
> I know I have been terrible to him and you guys are right, sometimes I wonder what he did to deserve such a girl like me, when he deserves someone so much better and I bet you guys are right in saying that I am like this because he is way too good to me and always has been. He is really wonderful and I just don't know why I hurt him like this, I guess I am a terrible person and I am crying while writing this.
> 
> ...


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## jc32 (Jan 25, 2010)

I think that you are probably getting anxiety attacks from the leftover guilt you feel over cheating twice on someone who you obviously love. The fact that you cheated more than once shows that the issues involved were never properly dealt with the first time, and most likely weren't the second time. As a husband myself, I think it sounds like your guy is getting himself an updated wardrobe and sexy body because he's starting to consider other women. You are feeling situational depression as well as anxiety, because you are in an unhealthy marriage, and you believe it's all your fault. Becoming emotionally distant with your partner can be devastating to a marriage. I think that both you and your husband should see your doctor about treatment for depression, as well as a marriage councellor.


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## Cricket5 (Feb 11, 2010)

I think you are depressed. I think that because I have been there. Go to a doctor and consider taking something to help. Then try to let go of the guilt you feel about your inadequacies. Obviously he loves you and is willing to get past them or he wouldn't agree to cousneling. I also agree that exercise would help and try to find and focus on all the good things and blessings you have in your life including him. At first it may seem forced because you are so acustomed to focusing on the negative of you, but if you put in the work and believe me it is work you will see things differently and may want to work on yourself and in turn this may have a possitive affect on him. No one wants to be around a negative person. Don't think that you don't deserve him because that feeling will be put out there and could encourage him to be disconected. Make conscious efforts to reengage.


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