# Too late?



## NickS (Aug 21, 2012)

After finding this site and reading other peoples stories I finally have the courage to share mine and get some insight.
This may be a long post…

My wife and I have been together for 3.5 years (married for 1.5). Recently we’ve hit a major crossroads in our relationship.

In the beginning Casey (my wife) and I set the world on fire. We were exactly what both of us were looking for, but never knew it until we met. From the first date, I knew THIS was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had a story book wedding with all our closest friends and a wonderful honeymoon in Paris.

We’ve recently purchased a house and are in the stages of getting everything set-up. 

Rewind 8 months…I took a job with a new company. This was a great opportunity for us. However, soon after that, two people left and my workload went up dramatically. I’ve spent the past 6 months on the road for work (engineering/oilfield) in south Texas. Travel has been upwards of 10-12 days away from home at a time.

At this time my wife was working full time (engineer as well) and pursuing her MBA. So timing-wise the travel wasn’t horrible because we were both very busy. In the beginning it was very hard on my wife. However, we both set aside the next 2 years to focus on getting us in a “great” place with careers and marriage. With that mentality we moved forward. And I (unintentionally) put her on the back burner and made my work a priority over her. Despite the good intentions of feeling it was to provide us a better future; I abandoned her and we were not a team. 

We’ll the travel began to wear on Casey and she had many lonely nights where she would just cry for me, wishing I was home (not know to me until recently). We talked during the travel but it was still very hard for us. She soon began to learn to cope without me and it seemed to get to a point that she didn’t “need” me anymore. This was the time the travel began to finally wear on me and when I looked for my rock/support in Casey she seemed have adapted…without me. I knew we were in trouble but being so far way from eachother for such long periods of time, I had no idea how to fix things. 

About 2 months ago we went on a vacation out of town and had a horrible argument. My pent up frustrations and insecurities finally came to a head. I was very cold and mean to Casey – I threw a lot of her deepest concerns/fears she had in her face and betrayed her trust. I was a terrible friend and worse husband. 

We’ve begun to work through the argument but another obstacle has popped up. Prior to the argument Casey kissed another man while I was away and he has developed feelings for her and there is an attraction/interest in Casey. She immediately felt terrible and ended the occurrences but the transgression happened. This may seem petty but I've dealt with cheating issues in the past and before this I always felt I would have no tolerance for it - in any form or fashion. However, now faced with the situation again I'm torn. This is suposed to be the love of my life - I never would have thought her capable of this. Hurting me in this way.

Both of our trust in each other is shaken. Hers long standing (for the past 4 months), and mine recently. We’ve both come to the realization that these issues, if left unresolved could be the end of us. It’s hard for either of us to see a future right now. 

We’re slated for counseling a week from today. We both love each other very much and realize we’ve both had a hand in our unhappiness with our marriage. Despite that, it still feels like we may never get to the point where we once were. 

We used to be not only husband and wife, but best friends. I don’t know how to get that back. I’ve felt very lost and alone the past few weeks and it's really starting to eaer on me.

I love my wife with all my heart and will do anything to work towards repairing the damage to our relationship. However, it’s a two lane street, and I don’t know if she can at this point. 

Has anyone else been to the brink and been able to come back? Is my story a lost cause or am I overreacting/feeling sorry for myself? 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Nick


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## SoConfused0253 (Aug 18, 2012)

First, I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. 

I, personally, have not been through anything like this, but I know that my parents have. They've been married for almost 45years. My mom confided in me, when my marriage started going south, that her marriage to my dad had really been tested at one point. They went to counseling and were able to come back from it. She always reminds me that marriage is full of trials and tribulations (even with trust) and that if you both want it, it can come back even better than it was to begin with. I hope this helps you.


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## NickS (Aug 21, 2012)

SoConfused,

Thanks you for taking the time to reply. I truly hope to have a story like your parents when it's all said and done. This week seems like an eternity. 

I must admit I'm a little nervous about the counseling. I've heard a mix of opinions/reviews of people's experiences. Granted the overwhelming response is you have to work at it. I am totally dedicated to this path of repair. I just hope Casey feels the same - I imagine she does becasue she's the one that suggested the counseling. I just hope the expectation isn't that counseling to prepare us to split up but rather to move forward. 

I'm having a very hard time treading the fine line of too much and then not enough. I know that distance and lack of communication has been a contributor to our situation and my lack of communication doesn't help. I've also been accused of wearing my emotions on my sleeve, which doesn't help our situation. However, the other side of the coin is how much to try contribute. The last thing I want is to be overbearing and smothering, which I feel I have been. It's been very hard for me. 

Since coming home I almost feel like a stranger. Like I'm competing for my wife's attention and affection. That's why I sometimes feel it's too far gone. I need to get better about not being so pessimistic I guess.

Does anyone have any insight into what I may be in for when it comes to counseling? 

Again thanks for the comforting words.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Counseling will not be effective as long as there are three in a marriage.

You've spent to much time apart. She found someone else to fill her emotional needs.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Some reads and links for you to prepare. 

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Good luck.


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## NickS (Aug 21, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> You've spent to much time apart. She found someone else to fill her emotional needs.


This couldn't be truer and she's overcome with guilt. I know in my heart I can forgive her because she is not fully to blame. We both have a hand in this. But also both have to have a hand in rebuilding. 

There's nothing I want more than a future with my wife, but I will not share her with anyone else.

Also, thatnks for the suggested reading. 

I have my first individual conseling session this afternoon. Our couples session is next week. 

The balling is rolling at this point.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Yes HNHN. Read it, see what happened and how to fix it. Wish you well.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

My husband and I used to have jobs that required us to travel extensively, often weekly. I was at it for 7 years and he 12 years. We spent a lot of time apart during dating and early years of our marriage.

I experienced first hand how hard it is to maintain a relationship when you're apart that much and often. Perhaps like your wife, I put an emotional shield up. I would take me a day or two to act as warmly to my husband as I should. My husband noticed, understood and accepted it as part of our lives. 

When our children were born, traveling became impossible, first for me and then for my husband. I looked for and found a new job during my maternity leave. My husband found his new job when our twins were 10 months old. We've now become much closer together and a lot happier. 

Traveling gets very old after a while and it will eventually hurt your relationship. In your case it did. To save your marriage, I strongly advice you to find another job requires less or no traveling. I know it might not be easy to do so but if you look hard enough, you will find one. 

It was very hard for my husband to let go of his old job. Not only had he helped start up the company, he didn't think he could find a job with similar pay, status and responsibilities. Luckily for us, he found a good enough job after 10 months of extensive networking. And his career really took off with this new company. I guess what I want to say is if you have similar feelings about leaving your current job, don't be. Improving your marriage to the love of your life is way more important.

Best of luck to you!


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