# Please Help!!!



## burantosan (Jun 8, 2012)

Im completely lost. I have been married for almost two years now. We dated for three years prior. My wife loved me, I used to think no one could love me like here. A year into our marriage she hit me out of the blue when she told me she contemplated divorce, the following week she left me to visit family in another state. We talked for a few weeks and she told me how she felt neglected, as if I worked to much or she was second to other things in life; it got very detailed. She told me that if things didn't change that she wouldn't want to come back. That week I bought a plane ticket to go meet her and bring her back with me promising I would change. 

Everything about me has changed, I rescheduled my self to match her days off, I try to spend every available time I have with her, I have tried to dress better, look better, speak the things she wants to hear, compliment her every day, and start dating again. I offered to even dissolve the company I had started to work as a pizza guy just to be with her more and travel as she would like to do.

As time went on things didn't seem to change, only become worse. So we started to see a councilor, I started to reach out to friends and family with the horrible news, that my wife shas said these things to me:

I dont love you any more.
I dont know how to love you.
I dont want to try to love you.
I dont know what to do with you when we hang out.
Its almost like, too little too late.
I know what Im supposed to do I just dont want to do it.
It hard to look past all the annoying things.

Whats hard about all of this is that when I ask her to be specific so that I can try to change she is dead silent. When I ask her what she is thinking she is dead silent, in all she now barely speaks with me and when she does it seems forced. She is never home, always hanging with friends to avoid me, doesn't feel like I am any fun to be around, and when she finally comes home she usually is not sober and just passes out.

Lately she has canceled date nights, councilor meetings, or other things we do to try to work on the marriage. 

I told her I love her more than anything, but I dont know how long I can love someone, how much I can give to someone, how much I can offer to change and in turn be s#!t on in return. I recently asked her what is keeping her with me? Why doesnt she just divorce me? To which she replied, because I loved you once, and I'm afraid to lose that.

in that there is a glimmer of hope, all be it, feint.

I am desperate.

I love her.

She loved me.

How long do I wait? How much do I give? Do I back off? Do we separate? If sacrificed so much, changed so much, give so much, I literally have nothing left, I feel so empty.

Help


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

buran,

Keep reading here at TAM and visit some of the other sections such as Coping With Infidelity (not saying this is the case here but you'll find others who have gone through things like this) as well as looking up Walk Away Wife

I have a penchant to say that I feel that whenever a marriage is in trouble, the husband is the one that is often told all the things HE has to do (often in vain) to save the marriage (OK, vent over)

Also look up the 180 here at TAM and implement it hard and fast. While not designed to get your wife back, it will help you detach from her.

As others will probably tell you, this has been on her mind for some time and she just didn't bother to tell you she was done. 

As I mentioned before, you should also see (sorry but it is a possibility) if she is involved in an affair. If you have access to the cell phone records, go back as far as you can and see if there's a pattern of excessive texts/phone calls to one or two numbers that you don't recognize. Investigate but do it quietly

Also, is her cell phone PW protected and do you know the password? What about FaceBook and email PWs? Do you know them?

Are you two still living together? If so, put a keylogger on your computer and sit back and observe.

Last but not least, purchase a Voice Activated Recorder or two and place one under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro

Again, I'm not saying this is the cause but you should rule it out


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If she is not saving herself for a relationship outside of your marriage, the other last-ditch effort I'd put into is reading the books:

His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley (a book about restoring romantic love--get your wife to fill out the free website questionnaire--that may be difficult because she's checking out)

Love Busters also by Dr. Harley

and our MC loves The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by Gottman.

But realize that if there are 3 people in the marriage, you can work yourself to the bone trying to fix things, and it will be for nothing.



It sounds like you've done a lot of outward physical changes, but dressing better, which a good thing to do, is not the sort of thing that will turn around someone who is as far gone as your wife is now.

Another shorter book with a free website quiz is The 5 Love Languages, see if she will at least take that quiz.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good luck to you, Buran. Good advice above, plus -- 

keep in mind that once a woman gets to the point of mentioning divorce, she has likely been very unhappy for quite a long time, and in her mind, she has been sending you signals of this all along which she perceives you to have ignored.

So listen. Listen when she talks, listen, listen, listen.


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## mrmagoo (Feb 21, 2012)

OMGosh, I could have written this post with the exception that she doesn't go out with her friends. Since only been short time and no kids I presume


It would be tempting to just say get the f out... Then again, she'll prolly respond with no, you get the f out, then what............. You're in limbo my friend same as me. It ain't fun. I've done it all became as near to perfect as one possibly can. Well, you know what I mean.... Compared to before. Some say 'well why were you such a _______ for however long before?" My answer to that is boy I had my reasons,,,,, Now I got over it but she is in the funk and had EA. Problem is, she can't get over it! Like you, mine wants to go on more trips... All this is, is a temporary diversion from the monotony of life........... Sure everyone likes to go on trips but the measuring stick will just keep getting pushed out, more, more...... Once the credit cards are maxed out, they all the sudden become unhappy and don't like you anymore... I am oversimplifying it but I believe this is soooooooo common. It's all very cliched and tired at this point. In addition to
I dont love you any more.
I dont know how to love you.
I dont want to try to love you.
I dont know what to do with you when we hang out.
Its almost like, too little too late.
I know what Im supposed to do I just dont want to do it.
It hard to look past all the annoying things.

I hear "I need to work on me" " I just want to be alone"

I think all the cool changes we make whether men or women merely heighten their alienation because the enemy is kind of gone........ All those things that made her miserable are gone........ But she's still miserable and it's still your fault. This is also about the time when they can have affairs and feel totally justified in it because it was all the mans fault. When the mans faults go away they turn inward on a quest for self..... 

"how much I can give to someone, how much I can offer to change and in turn be s#!t on in return"
this struck me as all too familiar too. ya wonder, how long can I continue to fill this bucket with no bottom.............

Trips, jewelry, clothes, plastic surgery, cars, new home, new town, ahhhhh when you've done all that and your man behaves great with a track record but you stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillll just have that nagging urge to separate, along comes Mr Wonderful, of course this affair is justified because mean old hubby made me do it. Sorry if jaded, I am smiling as I write but the more I hear these stories and how common it is, the more I am sickened by it and pity these people be them men or women because believe me I know it works both ways. Their discontent runneth over in so many aspects. Not happy working, but also not happy staying home for example..............


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