# Anyone else feel unattractive?



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I am not yet at the point where I am looking or would look (still going through separation with a won't see other people clause) - but as an observer, when and if I do become single again lately I have been thinking ... how the heck will I ever get a date??? I never see people look my way, people never approach me and I just feel like ughhhh. Maybe I am putting off the wrong vibe or maybe my look is undesirable. I am not here fishing for compliments, more wondering if anyone else feels the same and/or has these types of worries?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Use online dating to look for people locally who are dating. After a few casual dates you will probably click into that dateing mode, start flirting again, etc.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I think a lot of people have moments where they feel unattractive and maybe even more so when going through something like a separation where they may view themselves as lacking in some ways and their confidence isn't as strong.Btw,just because you haven't noticed,doesn't mean others haven't been looking.Lots of people admire others from afar.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do something to switch it up a bit! Dye or cut your hair. Learn how to use makeup differently. Get a good bra. Buy cute undies and tops.

lol. When I feel dowdy, I usually just dye my hair. Works wonders.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I go to ballroom dance and Argentine Tango classes and the guys there (and the women, particularly the older women) always give good feedback. But then again, I tend to look at myself when getting dressed and think, if I were a guy, how would I want me to be dressed, then I try to stick to that, and trust my sense of modesty to prevail to keep things from getting sketchy. I save the cleavage for private dates with one special guy  You don't want to attract a guy just based on looks. My rule of thumb is I don't buy stuff unless it looks really good on, and I'm totally comfortable and confident wearing it. Feel-good clothes are a necessity, as well as shoes and accessories that have special meaning (Mongolians are great at this, and things don't have to 'match', they will match well enough if they mean something to you, and define your personal style.) A smile goes a long way as well as environment. Go to places where you shine, whether it is archery class or ballroom dance or the library book club meeting or a park bench in a plaza at lunch time (great place for striking up conversation with people who work near you...) And yes, use online dating and just be smart about it, use your intuition about your communication to decide if and when and where to meet. You can always have a friend hang out nearby as a backup if you need some reassurance. Volunteering is a great way to meet people, but don't get involved with co-workers if your volunteer job is important to you. However, doing something you love is a great way to practice smiling and to expand your social network, also it gives you a feel-good fallback when things aren't going as well as they could with your social life. I have a couple volunteer jobs with people and organizations that are nearly guaranteed as a feel-good enterprise. If my life ever s*cks I know I can go volunteer for a few hours and get neutralized, and honestly, being with other people can be a reality check on how things are going for you vs. how you imagine they are going for everyone else who is supposedly partnered up and have 'perfect' lives. How I did the dating thing was I didn't commit to one person, I dated around for as long as it took to find one person who I absolutely clicked with no doubt in my mind, after three dates did not want to date anyone else. Keep in mind you can accept dates even if you think things won't work out long-term, a date is sometimes just that, a date, a chance to get out and do something with someone you normally wouldn't consider, just because you can and it's good for you, it helps you determine where your boundaries are and to practice communication. Communication is so easy if you think you have a lot in common, it's when things are perfectly clicking that you can gain ground in relationships, if not the present one then future ones. I've taken a guy out on a recipro-date knowing that would be it, we would not date each other again. Got along fine, mutual respect and admiration, just not long term material, but for one evening, no problem, we had a lot of fun at the amusement park, both went on an upside down double-twist roller coaster something we'd never done before. It was aweseome. You can also practice dating yourself, just take yourself out to places you really want to go. Once you know how to treat yourself right, it's easier to send signals to dates about what you like, and you'll be comfortable in all your favorite places.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Um, if the the couple of photos in your profile are anything to go by Emma - then you have nothing to worry about! I am sure men will be flocking to you when you are ready to hit the dating scene again...I know you were not fishing for compliments but that is just an honest opinion.

But I do feel the same way. I mean when the woman you love for 17 years tells you that she is 'no longer physically or emotionally attracted to you' then the self esteem takes a beating! Admittedly I had put on a bit of weight in recent years and in hindsight I took my marriage for granted and let myself go a bit.

Now that I am single and have hit the 180 hard I have started to assess whether anyone else out there would see me as attractive or not and end up having similar thoughts to you. I have been out with friends seeing live music etc lately but do not feel like I am grabbing the attention of any females in the room. I am a bit of a shy one too so that does not help 

I guess the thing to do is to regain self esteem which will raise confidence in yourself and in turn, have men looking your way.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks for the advice everyone - I did online dating before and that's how I met my current husband.

Yes, the woman in the photos is me. I have been out with my sister a few times, go to the gym 5x per week and feel invisible. I am also shy though, which never helps. It just seems like before conversations did happen between myself and others, now I feel like I either look like a freak or have the scarlet letter tattooed on my forehead. All irrational thoughts, but that's how I feel.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Smile...???

Even though times may be tough.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone - I did online dating before and that's how I met my current husband.
> 
> Yes, the woman in the photos is me. I have been out with my sister a few times, go to the gym 5x per week and feel invisible. I am also shy though, which never helps. It just seems like before conversations did happen between myself and others, now I feel like I either look like a freak or have the scarlet letter tattooed on my forehead. All irrational thoughts, but that's how I feel.


From what I have seen of your pictures, your issue is probably not that you are not good looking enough, but good looking to the point of being intimidating. A lot of guys probably think you are way out of their league. I would probably not approach you at first sight, however if you gave the opening, even a small one, I would have no problems taking it from there. You may find that because you are so good looking, you will need to make the opening. I know at least two other women here that I would say the same thing too, so you are not alone.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Yes, I know how you feel. My looks were okay by my standard years ago, but I feel I am better in someways and not in others. The one woman I thought was attracted to me in both looks and personality seemingly used me(other people's words) to get to one of my friends(he said he would make sure she was worthy of me) needless to say that didn't work out for any of us and I have been scapegoated as the horrible one. 
Further my separated wife still just wants to be friends and me to cuddle her she doesn't want to be with me,just wants what she needs. All previous information taken into account, don't let yourself fall into the same situations I did.
All in all, go out when you feel ready. If you are, go. If not, wait, but not forever.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Self esteem and confidence certainly take a hit in this process. I certainly let myself go across the board in my marriage. In my early 40s, i feel like the world exists for only the younger generation. 

As the weeks go by and the weight comes off and i get more confident and playful... i feel better about myself. I have too much damage in my life to feel great about myself. But all of that is in progress. The doing and feeling better about yourself is all part of getting over the heartbreak.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

Oh boy, do I. I can scarcely bear to look at myself in a mirror now. I've lost upwards of forty pounds since Easter of this year, which is sort of a problem because I wasn't terribly heavy to begin with; I'd say that I look as if I should be standing in a field scaring away crows, but that would be a grievous insult to straw-filled effigies everywhere. My eyes have more black bags than a Norsefire detention center, and my hair bears a striking resemblance to last years birds nest.

It's more than this, however. In time I suspect that I could manage to hammer, weld, bolt and angle-grind myself back into something that at least not revolting, perhaps even pleasantly average, but to what end? It's a classic case of being all dressed up with nowhere to go. The percentage of women who would look sideways at at man who, at nearly 40, has no friends, no prospects of any kind, and barely enough money to live let alone to pursue any sort of hypothetical prospects is a number of such bewilderingly small size that it could easily be hidden in the shadow of a single atom.

I know even this can be changed with hard work. It's just that I am not looking forward to being consigned to the Oubliette of Absolutely Undateable Men while I attempt to rebuild my life. I do not now, have never and will never see the beauty in a solitary existence.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm the ugliest guy you'll meet. Seriously, when the zombie virus hits stay with me because I repel zombies. 

Yet somehow I managed to land a smoking hot ex wife and an equally hot girlfriend. Its still a mystery, but I think I was able to do it because I just threw fear to the wind and decided to be bold and ask them out. They were the only two out of dozens who did not reject me on first appearances. 

Its like panning for gold....you just gotta get out there and do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Emma1981 said:


> I am not yet at the point where I am looking or would look (still going through separation with a won't see other people clause) - but as an observer, when and if I do become single again lately I have been thinking ... how the heck will I ever get a date??? I never see people look my way, people never approach me and I just feel like ughhhh. Maybe I am putting off the wrong vibe or maybe my look is undesirable. I am not here fishing for compliments, more wondering if anyone else feels the same and/or has these types of worries?


I find your avatar interesting. Is that enough?


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm not that worried about my looks. I'm not hard on the eyes and I'm in pretty good shape. I'm worried about talking to them. I am so comfortable with people I know and I'm very social but I don't meet new people very easily. I don't know what to say. I feel sort of like a dork. Plus other than online, where do you meet single people? Based on this site alone there are lots of us in our 40's starting over but I don't know how to find you.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Well, I just took the plunge and uploaded some pics to my profile album so you can judge for yourselves...I have no idea how I stack up as far as other 41 year old guys go. Go easy if you comment though - I don't need any more blows to my self esteem 

I look at other fathers picking up their kids from school and I think I look younger than them...or maybe I just never grew up and just think I am still young


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> Well, I just took the plunge and uploaded some pics to my profile album so you can judge for yourselves...I have no idea how I stack up as far as other 41 year old guys go. Go easy if you comment though - I don't need any more blows to my self esteem
> 
> I look at other fathers picking up their kids from school and I think I look younger than them...or maybe I just never grew up and just think I am still young


Friend me and I'll tell you how hot you are.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> I have no idea how I stack up as far as other 41 year old guys go.


Cute and Funny. But i'm probably not your target audience. Besides, have i mentioned lately that i love my wife?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I got the friend request.

You are clearly a "7"

And, under the right circumstances (some hot babe who's got a a thing for Tommy Lee Jones) the sky is the limit!


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Emma.

You have much more than just 'looks'.

The simple fact that you go to the gym so much and take care of yourself are traits that will in time help you find the guy that deserves you.

Someone who respects themselves as much as you respect yourself.

If they feel intimidated by you because you workout like a machine (which isn't bad!) than why would you even want to deal with those sorts of issues in a relationship?

This reminds me of a conversation I had with someone I met at a friends house party a couple weeks ago.

She's a doctor, at the age of 28.

After 2 years in a relationship she was dumped because the guy felt he couldn't 'live up to her expectations'.

I asked her what exactly her expectations were .. she said "I just want someone who treats me right and understands that my job is important, but that doesn't mean I didn't love him or care about him".

In the end, the guy left because he was intimidated by her success to date and that he had nothing really going for him.

But she said she didn't care, he had a steady job .. he was responsible, it wasn't about WHAT he was doing because he enjoyed it.



I dunno if any of that makes sense, but there is no rush in finding someone so soon Emma.

You are in a position where you do have lots of self control.

Maybe it's you who should be picking someone out of the crowd, nothing wrong with that


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks for the tips and kind words - but really I was just looking to see how other people were feeling.

That being said - I am honest with myself though. I went on a radio show when I was younger and they called me a "butter face" - through hard work though I have put together a decent below the neck package. Although I do realize, a girl with veins running down her arms isn't for everyone. I am probably the leanest I have ever been in my life, which is in part due to this whole situation (me getting more anal about my diet) and takes away from my femininity I think?

IDK I am not even close to dating as I am still mid-separation with a .00001% chance of reconciliation  That being said, I feel more invisible to the opposite sex prior to marriage BUT I have always been shy in that way and online dating was how I met most people prior to marriage. I see pics of myself though and I just think I am look terrible - so self esteem + my overall energy aura + how sickly lean I am = no looks my way lol.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Oh well in that case, I was 285 4 months ago. Now 240 but living in my moms basement. Not so attractive lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Up, putting yourself down is way more unattractive than your living situation. Seriously. Take a page from Bandit's book and tell yourself you're a catch -- this is a self-fulfiing prophecy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> Oh well in that case, I was 285 4 months ago. Now 240 but living in my moms basement. Not so attractive lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Congrats on the weight loss! That's amazing


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Mothra777 said:


> Well, I just took the plunge and uploaded some pics to my profile album so you can judge for yourselves...I have no idea how I stack up as far as other 41 year old guys go. Go easy if you comment though - I don't need any more blows to my self esteem
> 
> I look at other fathers picking up their kids from school and I think I look younger than them...or maybe I just never grew up and just think I am still young


I think you stack up pretty well - go get em' tiger! Lol.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

I know the feeling.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> Oh well in that case, I was 285 4 months ago. Now 240 but living in my moms basement. Not so attractive lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You keep bragging.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> From what I have seen of your pictures, your issue is probably not that you are not good looking enough, but good looking to the point of being intimidating.


I'm with Sam here. Especially if you are feeling stressed, casting off a negative aura - likely will put you in the "unapproachable, out of their league" bracket.

Me, I swing in and out of how I feel about myself. I also have a pretty strict gym regimen and am in good shape at the mo - but sometimes when I go out, things weigh on my mind and people really do pick up that. Other times, if I'm out with my very good friends and can at least for a short while totally let go of all the issues, I am able to feel good about myself, and again that really does seem to show to others.

I would think with you Emma, once you can resolve matters in your head, you'll have zero problems meeting someone. I'd have though given your hardcore fitness lifestyle, you could probably find someone equally focused who would be totally onside with your food weighing antics


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I've dealt with a lot of rejection from my wife over the past 13 years. I'm trying to get back in decent shape to feel attractive. You ever heard about a guy telling a girl "well who's gonna want you now?" I have to keep me from telling myself that pretty much every day.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

worrieddad said:


> you could probably find someone equally focused who would be totally onside with your food weighing antics


LOL - seriously when my last scale bit the dust after 5 years, I put it on one of our all shelves as a joke with a RIP sign on it. The "Salter" and I are two peas in a pod. 

I have yet to meet anyone as extreme as me - I have met some "weighers" but usually people get lax or have off days. Not me - the fact I have been going out with my sister and have a glass of wine is a big step - although, I still account for it


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> I've dealt with a lot of rejection from my wife over the past 13 years. I'm trying to get back in decent shape to feel attractive. You ever heard about a guy telling a girl "well who's gonna want you now?" I have to keep me from telling myself that pretty much every day.


I feel you here


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> Emma.
> 
> You have much more than just 'looks'.
> 
> ...


Thats kind of a fine line there. You may not want someone who is so intimidated that they won't talk to you, but on the other hand someone who is over confident can be a red flag also.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i have good days and bad days, i think we all do. i know i have a pretty face, but i'm still working on my body issues and the couple extra pounds. i really do think at this point in life, personality does play more of a role. i'm not ready to start dating yet, but when i do, i would love to know where the magical meeting place for normal people is! i've peaked at online sites, and the pickins seem a little slim and sketchy. i'm not apposed to the bar scene as long as it's not a guy's only hobby.


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## ka1972 (Jul 11, 2012)

I do. I only ever had one boyfriend before I met my STBXH and I was with my husband for 20 years. It doesn’t help that he spent most of our time together saying I’m fat, ugly, stupid, etc I’m working on the fat part, (I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life.) but I really can’t do much about being ugly?? And being extremely shy doesn’t help either.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

ka1972 said:


> I do. I only ever had one boyfriend before I met my STBXH and I was with my husband for 20 years. It doesn’t help that he spent most of our time together saying I’m fat, ugly, stupid, etc I’m working on the fat part, (I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life.) but I really can’t do much about being ugly?? And being extremely shy doesn’t help either.


I am so sorry you feel this way - if you want any weight loss advice, feel free to PM me.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

ka1972 said:


> I do. I only ever had one boyfriend before I met my STBXH and I was with my husband for 20 years. It doesn’t help that he spent most of our time together saying I’m fat, ugly, stupid, etc I’m working on the fat part, (I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life.) but I really can’t do much about being ugly?? And being extremely shy doesn’t help either.


the emotional abuse can be hard to get past, i know. i highly doubt you ARE "fat, ugly, stupid, ect". if you are then why did he marry you?! he's just an a$$ hat, so try to let that go. remember that once you're out of your 20's, most guys looking for a relationship with substance are not looking for a perfect 10. looks can fade, so you need to have attractive and compatable personalities. focus your weightloss on health and being the best you you can be. when you feel good about yourself inside, you will ooze attractiveness no matter what kind of face and body the good lord gave ya. until you're feeling it, i'm a big believer in the fake it till ya make it approach!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Had a friend recently tell me that her biggest problem is that she thinks she's sexier than she really is.

I kind of gave it some thought - and she's probably right - BUT - she carries herself as if she's the Cat's Meow - and men react to it!

Plus - when I'm down on myself (like it sounds like you are) - I just tend to withdraw. Sometimes I feel myself doing it and other times I won't notice it for some time. Its both a lack of confidence AND a lack of being available.

Hard to get noticed when you're sulking in the shadows!

And the Butter Face comment was just plain stupid and childish. Sorry...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Had a friend recently tell me that her biggest problem is that she thinks she's sexier than she really is.
> 
> I kind of gave it some thought - and she's probably right - BUT - she carries herself as if she's the Cat's Meow - and men react to it!
> 
> ...


I've still got the hots for you.

So, there's that.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

ka1972 said:


> but I really can’t do much about being ugly?? And being extremely shy doesn’t help either.


Don't let your assh*le ex's mean spirited words carry any weight with you anymore.The only ugly is what resides inside of him.Life will get better now that he's gone,so believe that and take care.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> And the Butter Face comment was just plain stupid and childish. Sorry...


Radio personalities  funny how that has stuck with me for so long. I always felt I was ugly though, face wise, that's why I got into fitness 10+ years ago, to combat my face.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Emma1981 said:


> Radio personalities  funny how that has stuck with me for so long. I always felt I was ugly though, face wise, that's why I got into fitness 10+ years ago, to combat my face.


You should have Combatted their groins with your foot...


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> You should have Combatted their groins with your foot...


I'd rather have the honesty


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

I did before, and I still do. A lot of what I've tolerated has been due to low self esteem.



> Plus - when I'm down on myself (like it sounds like you are) - I just tend to withdraw. Sometimes I feel myself doing it and other times I won't notice it for some time. Its both a lack of confidence AND a lack of being available.
> 
> Hard to get noticed when you're sulking in the shadows!


You mean they won't knock down my door?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Emma1981 said:


> I'd rather have the honesty


Not trying to argue with you here - but that's not honesty. That's a couple of jerk-offs trying to get a cheap laugh.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Matt1720 said:


> You mean they won't knock down my door?


Hasn't happened to me yet!!! Still waiting though...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One thing I have learned going through this whole process is that my tastes in what I find very physically attractive have expanded. It's not because I'm desperate, because I'm not. I just genuinely find so many more women attractive than I ever did before. Sure, I still zero in on a certain type, but not to the exclusion of others. My god there are so many beautiful women out there! (btw, you're one of them  )


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sam,

You have the hots for niceguy also?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Sam,
> 
> You have the hots for niceguy also?


Point taken. Of course I was talking about and to Emma. Sorry niceguy 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

inside all of us there's a beautiful woman just waiting to burst out!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> inside all of us there's a beautiful woman just waiting to burst out!


Inside beautiful women, all us are waiting to burst out...huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> Point taken. Of course I was talking about and to Emma. Sorry niceguy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the compliment - not sure you how guys are making this determination as the only real pic of me is a profile shot where I am sucking my husband's face lol.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> Inside beautiful women, all us are waiting to burst out...huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hence why you all have nipples???


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Emma1981 said:


> Thanks for the compliment - not sure you how guys are making this determination as the only real pic of me is a profile shot where I am sucking my husband's face lol.


We have imaginations too....and there's a lot of gorgeous leg in that pic....mentally we can swap heads with anyone.....lol


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Emma1981 said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone - I did online dating before and that's how I met my current husband.
> 
> Yes, the woman in the photos is me. I have been out with my sister a few times, go to the gym 5x per week and feel invisible. I am also shy though, which never helps. It just seems like before conversations did happen between myself and others, now I feel like I either look like a freak or have the scarlet letter tattooed on my forehead. All irrational thoughts, but that's how I feel.


I have that tattoo as well. But, if you look like you do in your pics then I would date you! :smthumbup:


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

You feeling the love yet Emma?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Thanks for the compliment - not sure you how guys are making this determination as the only real pic of me is a profile shot where I am sucking my husband's face lol.


Wow...didn't even notice anyone else in the picture with you...


There's enough of the profile of your face and it looks plenty suckable to me 

ok...I think I'll stop now.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Yeah the point here really was to hear about other people's insecurities lol you know misery loves company. No matter, there is internet life and my real world experience - invisible. Thanks though.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Well, you've been around long enough to know that this was going to devolve into this with the bunch of guys you ave here 

So more to your point, I can't really relate, and I think in general, it is more difficult for a guy to relate because while their are pressures on guys to be attractive, they are not nearly as strong as the pressures on women.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> Well, you've been around long enough to know that this was going to devolve into this with the bunch of guys you ave here
> 
> So more to your point, I can't really relate, and I think in general, it is more difficult for a guy to relate because while their are pressures on guys to be attractive, they are not nearly as strong as the pressures on women.


Exactly, per Tom Leykis ... money, power, fame


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Emma1981 said:


> Exactly, per Tom Leykis ... money, power, fame


I spend a lot of mental energy wondering how my financial situation will eventually affect a possible dating life. Wondering how I'm supposed to impress someone when I come to pick them up in my 99 Dodge Caravan!

BUT - the thing is - I'll know that I've found the right person if I can find someone who doesn't care about all of this stupid stuff.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> I spend a lot of mental energy wondering how my financial situation will eventually affect a possible dating life. Wondering how I'm supposed to impress someone when I come to pick them up in my 99 Dodge Caravan!
> 
> BUT - the thing is - I'll know that I've found the right person if I can find someone who doesn't care about all of this stupid stuff.


EXACTLY! And why it is vitally important to just be honest with yourself and your partner. You would be amazed at how forgiving most women can be over things like your car if you are honest and treat her well.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Emma:
Your issue isn't beauty-----it's there. It might be confidence...
are you shy? quiet?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> One thing I have learned going through this whole process is that my tastes in what I find very physically attractive have expanded. It's not because I'm desperate, because I'm not. I just genuinely find so many more women attractive than I ever did before. Sure, I still zero in on a certain type, but not to the exclusion of others. My god there are so many beautiful women out there! (btw, you're one of them  )


I know right?! They are all around me too, so many, wish it were simply a matter of reaching out and grabbing one (or two or three), but that doesn't go over well.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

it does in the traveler community


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lon said:


> I know right?! They are all around me too, so many, wish it were simply a matter of reaching out and grabbing one (or two or three), but that doesn't go over well.


I've heard about guys like you.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

To boot I think my husband is the cats meow - I don't think I have seen and/or been with a hotter man. He never believes me when I tell him this though.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> I spend a lot of mental energy wondering how my financial situation will eventually affect a possible dating life. Wondering how I'm supposed to impress someone when I come to pick them up in my 99 Dodge Caravan!
> 
> BUT - the thing is - I'll know that I've found the right person if I can find someone who doesn't care about all of this stupid stuff.


You'll impress me -- I drive a '98 Subaru Legacy with 3 cracks in the windshield and dents from a hit and run!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

angelpixie said:


> You'll impress me -- I drive a '98 Subaru Legacy with 3 cracks in the windshield and dents from a hit and run!


Who'd you hit and why'd you run?!?!?

STBX?!?!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> Who'd you hit and why'd you run?!?!?
> 
> STBX?!?!


:rofl:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Emma -- I absolutely know what you are feeling. I grew up getting a lot of flak about my looks, too. I carried it with me into adulthood. I thought STBXH must be The One because he told me I was beautiful. I thought he was delusional. Turns out he actually probably is, LOL. And I spent a lot of our marriage just feeling like I was not good enough for him. It was hard to when he kept having EAs with younger women who'd never had kids, etc. When he left, I also got the speech about not finding me physically or sexually attractive -- for years, he said. That really did a number on me, because we were still having sex during those years. I felt either he was lying now or he violated me and my trust then. Not good either way. Took me a long time to be able to even think about that without feeling pretty freaked out.

Put all that together, and what do you get? Strangely enough, someone who feels better about herself than she ever has in her life. Yes, STBXH is now with someone else, younger than him (I'm older than him). Our bodies are polar opposites. But I have come to realize I am me, for better or worse. I can see my c-section scar and know it's small payment for my beautiful son. Likewise the effects of breastfeeding him. I don't regret it a bit. Any guy who puts me down for it is an immature jerk and I wouldn't want him touching my body anyway. 

In a way, being abandoned set me free of having to live up to his scrutiny. I would truly rather be on my own, than lonely or hating myself while living with someone. What everyone says is true -- learn to love yourself before you expect someone else to love the real you. I'm not there yet by any stretch, but I'm working on it little by little.

As usual, I really love Homemaker's post. She's really got it together when it comes to getting to a good place inside. 

As you've heard from the guys here, Emma, once you can feel good inside and show it on the outside, you'll have a much better chance of standing out in the crowd. Hang in there and it will happen.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> Who'd you hit and why'd you run?!?!?
> 
> STBX?!?!





bandit.45 said:


> :rofl:


Oh, I wish!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Repeat after me:

Anchorman i'm kind of a big deal - YouTube

Whether or not you are attractive can have precious little to do with how you look.

Always boggled my mind when I would think that my partner was truly 'stunning' and she didn't believe it ... which by proxy makes me an idiot or a liar. 

Also always found it interesting when people would describe bodybuilders or fitness fanatics as 'vain'. My belief is that training is not born out of vanity, but usually being extremely critical of oneself.

I felt very unattractive after being rejected by my ex. Goes with the territory. That's also when I adopted the mantra of "Don't judge your own self-worth, with someone elses yardstick."

Now ... I have a butt that won't quit, and magnificent breasts. I'm also very shy and self-deprecating. 

NiceGuy already gave you the best starting advice I give to anyone ... smile more. Smile often. And I thing NG is hot too ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

^^^
Magnificent breasts - totally true!

The rest is total crap though!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Repeat after me:
> 
> Anchorman i'm kind of a big deal - YouTube
> 
> ...


But it only makes you an idiot or a liar to her.... so that makes it better

Word is really getting out about NG's hotness.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> But it only makes you an idiot or a liar to her.... so that makes it better
> 
> Word is really getting out about NG's hotness.


He'll have to change his username to Hot777Guy!


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

great question! IMHO you are separated and should be working on your marriage. but that being said, i think that people can appear "closed" to others by the way they carry themselves. if you are harboring grief, fear, anger, etc. all the tell-tale signs of a hurt spouse, you may attract only creeps who prey on sick animals. get yourself healthy, try like hell to fix your marriage, but if that doesn't work out...in time, you will heal and healthy will naturally look beautiful 

God bless!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

burgh_mom said:


> great question! IMHO you are separated and should be working on your marriage. but that being said, i think that people can appear "closed" to others by the way they carry themselves. if you are harboring grief, fear, anger, etc. all the tell-tale signs of a hurt spouse, you may attract only creeps who prey on sick animals. get yourself healthy, try like hell to fix your marriage, but if that doesn't work out...in time, you will heal and healthy will naturally look beautiful
> 
> God bless!


Agreed which is why this was more of an observation should the time come - I think I am doing pretty good considering he left me, we live 3 states away, and have NC. After 7 months of this all I can do it wait like a sitting duck, less I give up :\


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