# Looking for people in similar situation



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I am wanting to find others I can talk to who are in a similar situation as me. I've only been married 8 months and considering divorce. I am 30, he is 36. This is my 1st marriage, his 2nd. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, but we/I never see them. I married him because he was my friend and he is a nice guy and I thought he would make a great husband and a great father. Things have really gone down the drain since then. We've only had sex 3 times since getting married 8 months ago, and he's been sleeping in another room or on the couch since around Christmas time. I just feel like I married the wrong person. I am not happy with him at all and wondering if there is even any way to make this work. I don't see him as a good father anymore because he never sees his own kids (mostly by his own choosing). 

That's a little background, but I would love to chat with others who are in a new marriage and at the breaking point.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

First off, sorry you're going through this. 

Have you sat down with him and had a talk about what may or may not be going on with him? 

Since you are his wife you have a right to know why he is choosing to not see his kids. That might be something you needed to know before getting married. 

if you want your marriage to try and survive, you need to stand up, and take ahold of what is happening. You need to ask him some questions in a non accusatory way and see if you can get the the root of whats going on.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jamison said:


> First off, sorry you're going through this.
> 
> Have you sat down with him and had a talk about what may or may not be going on with him?
> 
> ...


Yes, I've talked to him numerous times. Anymore it is just a fight. I think he is depressed. He is seeing a personal counselor once every 2 weeks, but it doesn't seem to make a lot of difference. He needs to learn to deal with his anger. He suppresses his anger and holds everything in until he blows up. He is not abusive at all, but he hides all his anger until it all comes out at once. I guess when he was younger his anger would really get the best of him so he learned to keep it all inside.

I've tried to understand why he doesn't see his kids. He used to blame it all on his ex not letting him see them, and he was going to take her back to court this winter when he started a new job where he doesn't work much in the winter. He was going to fight for his kids. He has 50/50 custody (according to what he told me), but he never sees them. He never did go to court. He blames it on money. I told him money doesn't matter and his dad wanted to help him financially. Not only does he not see his kids, but he doesn't call them or even text them (they both have their own cell phones). Up until Christmas I had checked his phone history every so often and there was no history of him contacting his kids. He says they don't want to talk to him, but that's because he hasn't contacted them for so long and they're upset at him. He also says he is tired of getting hurt, but I don't think a parent should quit on their kids just because they got their feelings hurt. A parent needs to keep trying. His kids are 14 and 11, and they are still young enough to forgive. Whenever I ask him about this anymore, he just gets angry. Then he told me "Ask my dad what I've been through, he'll tell you!" I responded that I shouldn't have to ask his dad. That he should be able to talk to me.

At Christmas I asked him repeatedly if he was planning to have his kids so we can make plans with my family. He never responded. Said he didn't know yet. Said he didn't have any plans yet. Then 2 days before Christmas he says his kids are coming for a week the day after Christmas. I was floored because we already had plans with my family. But when I pushed for more details, he said he hadn't called his ex yet about it. Needless to say, when he did call her, she was very angry and said absolutely not. He hadn't talked to them since our wedding in July and called 2 days before he wanted to pick them up when they already have plans. She was very angry. Finally, she said he could come see them in their town for a day after Christmas. I told him to go, stay overnight if he needed to, and spend time with his kids. I urged him to talk to his son, who is the oldest, and let him know that he was going to try harder (this is what he expressed to me that he wanted to do at the time.) His boss said to take all the time/days he needed. He drove up there that day (4-5 hours) and spent about 2 hours with his kids and came back and didn't contact them after that. He didn't even contact his son on his bday except to send a text that said Happy Bday Son. Didn't tell me it was his son's bday, didn't send a card, didn't send a gift. 

This would all be fine if this is what I thought I was getting into at the beginning. I know he didn't see his kids much, but he was in a very demanding job at that point and he claimed his ex wouldn't ever let him see them and that as soon as he changed jobs and it was winter, he would fight to get more time. He used to go to their town and stay a weekend at his mom's to spend time with his kids. When we met, he quite. I chalked it up to him being soooo busy because that is what he told me. But, it hasn't changed. It's only gotten worse.

I just don't see myself having children with someone who treats his own children this way. A parent doesn't have the right to just "give up" on their kids. And maybe he should've been open and honest with me from the start.

I've asked questions over and over and he just won't talk. This has been a problem since we got married. I don't remember it being a problem before that. He used to share his hopes and dreams with me. I do know it was starting to be evident the summer we got married, but he was very busy in a new job and I was at my parent's a lot (I don't work in the summer) and planning our wedding. I guess it should've been a sign, but I guess I didn't want to see it.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I have been married for 17 years. About 16 years ago I was having the same feelings that you were having. I was considering leaving my wife, then we found out she was pregnant. There was no way that I could leave her under those circumstances so I hung in there and worked hard to make everything great. I gave it 100%. I'm on this forum so obviously things aren't going great. You can PM me if you want to. I wold be happy to listen to you and share some of my experiences.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> I have been married for 17 years. About 16 years ago I was having the same feelings that you were having. I was considering leaving my wife, then we found out she was pregnant. There was no way that I could leave her under those circumstances so I hung in there and worked hard to make everything great. I gave it 100%. I'm on this forum so obviously things aren't going great. You can PM me if you want to. I wold be happy to listen to you and share some of my experiences.


I did PM you. Thanks for your response. Sometimes I feel like I'm just typing on here just to get my thoughts out of my head, but it's good to hear from other people. This site has been helpful in a lot of ways, but mostly just to vent and to find people who have been/are in the same situation. I'm becoming so frustrated and I don't want my marriage to end in divorce. Never wanted to be there......especially after less than a year.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I really would like to meet people who are dealing with or have dealt with a similar situation or just someone who wants to share their story.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm also less than a year into marriage and having a tough time.
Since he does individual counseling, is he open to marriage counseling with you? That would be a step in the right direction, since he seems willing to work on himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

There are probably some unknowns in the dynamic between him, his ex, and his kids.

I would cut him some slack in this area, since this isn't really within your boundaries to have a say, kwim?

You have a valid concern to want to discuss expectations for *your* future children with him.
But I wouldn't assume that just because he's avoidant and passive about his kids, he will be in the future within the family you create and raise together.
There's probably a whole host of factors within the him-ex-kids-inlaws-life partners system over there, that frankly don't concern you directly.

I would ask about that in a gentle way, without seeming like you're criticizing this area of his life that may be uncomfortable for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> There are probably some unknowns in the dynamic between him, his ex, and his kids.
> 
> I would cut him some slack in this area, since this isn't really within your boundaries to have a say, kwim?
> 
> ...


I've been married 5 years to a man with a 9 year old daughter that I've never met. He blames it on his ex. My H is very closed mouthed about his past too. Tip of iceberg!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I've been married 5 years to a man with a 9 year old daughter that I've never met. He blames it on his ex. My H is very closed mouthed about his past too. Tip of iceberg!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point.
I don't have experience in this particular area, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm also less than a year into marriage and having a tough time.
> Since he does individual counseling, is he open to marriage counseling with you? That would be a step in the right direction, since he seems willing to work on himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he is open to marriage counseling, he says. It took until after Christmas to convince him to go to individual counseling. He is supposed to be learning to communicate better overall from individual counseling, but I don't know how much he really gets out of it. Unfortunately, there are not services in our town, and we have to drive to recieve those services. I will have to wait until summer or find something in the evening since I am out of sick leave (I teach).


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I've been married 5 years to a man with a 9 year old daughter that I've never met. He blames it on his ex. My H is very closed mouthed about his past too. Tip of iceberg!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's difficult to deal with. I don't know if it would bother me so much if he didn't seem like he was a good father when we were dating. They weren't around hardly at all, but he acted like he contacted them constantly and they only weren't around because of his hectic work schedule. I think it was all talk, though.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> There are probably some unknowns in the dynamic between him, his ex, and his kids.
> 
> I would cut him some slack in this area, since this isn't really within your boundaries to have a say, kwim?
> 
> ...


Do you and your H have kids?? Do either of you have kids from a previous relationship?? Just curious about your relationship. How old are you and how long have you been married?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Do you and your H have kids?? Do either of you have kids from a previous relationship?? Just curious about your relationship. How old are you and how long have you been married?


To answer your questions...

No, we don't have kids yet. i definitely want kids. But we won't be ready for that until and UNLESS we get to the other side of some conflict issues we have. 

Like you, I'm not certain as to whether this man is going to be the kind of father I want to raise my children with.

Like you, I am doing some serious thinking about my marriage and where it's going.

We've been married about 8 months. We're new to this, and still trying to figure it all out.

I'm 31. He's 39.

I understand this is a very difficult and emotional situation for you, and I empathize with your frustration. 

I did acknowledge that I don't have experience in this area, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I was merely suggesting that there may be some issues between him and his ex that may make him appear to be a negligent father, and that it may not indicate that he WILL be a bad father if and when that time comes in your marriage.

And since he is in individual counseling, he may be open to marriage counseling. It may give you a safe place and way for you to get to the bottom of these questions, because they are important...especially since it sounds like he is not communicating openly with you about them. And you do have a right and a need to have this conversation with him.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> Yes, he is open to marriage counseling, he says. It took until after Christmas to convince him to go to individual counseling. He is supposed to be learning to communicate better overall from individual counseling, but I don't know how much he really gets out of it. Unfortunately, there are not services in our town, and we have to drive to recieve those services. I will have to wait until summer or find something in the evening since I am out of sick leave (I teach).


Sorry, didn't see this reply before.

Lots of counselors accommodate evening hours.

My husband and I went to marriage counseling anywhere from 6 to 8 pm, for a few months. 

Until my husband decided he woudln't go anymore. 

So I said "Fine." But we still have the same issues.
Now I'm in individual counseling, and giving it my all.

It takes two to create the dynamic, and two to change it. Often one has to take the lead in initiating the change, and ideally, the other person follows suit...so I've heard.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

P.S. I'm also a teacher (by trade, took the year off).


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> It took until after Christmas to convince him to go to individual counseling.


I gotta ask...

Why did you work so hard to "convince him to go to individual counseling"?

Is it possible he resents being pushed by you to get professional help? Possible he feels judged?

Here's where I'm coming from with this:

My H and I BOTH contribute to our issues.
We BOTH signed on for marriage counseling.
HE decided to quit going.

Deep down, I KNOW he has issues with anger, resentment, FOO, background, temper, conflict resolution, emotional regulation, etc. etc. etc....

I wish he would continue with professional help.

But I know I could benefit MYSELF and our marriage if *I* keep going to individual counseling.

In other words...
When we had issues, I participated in the 2-part (marriage counseling)
Now I take responsibility for MY part (individual counseling)
But if I told HIM how to deal with HIS part, he would push back and ultimately it wouldn't bring us closer to each other.

I have a feeling that if I pushed him to go to individual counseling, but didn't go myself, he would resent me.

AND...sometimes I fall into the "I'm doing all the introspective work" resentment trap myself, because I'm the only one STILL in counseling. I'm not assuming your husband has this resentment, but is it possible?


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