# I can't see any way out of this abusive marriage



## graciousgoes (Nov 27, 2013)

I will try to keep this short - this is my first post here so I don't want to start off with a very long meandering story.

Married to my husband for 20+ years

All seemed fine until 8 years or so ago he started messing with drugs (heroin and crack cocaine) which he got addicted to and smoked both daily. This caused serious problems, loss of a number of jobs, serious debt problems etc

He was able to quit daily use about 3 years ago but still uses now and then.

His drugs problem nearly ripped us apart. I had to constantly monitor his access to our shared account and as a consequence our roles switched over time to that of parent (me) and child (him) our physical relationship also stopped and has never returned. During his daily drug use years he would hang out with other drug users some of whom were prostitutes. He even confessed to me of buying drugs for them, so I've always wondered what HE got in return for giving them drugs!

Things have now moved on in that he now has a new addiction on top of the drugs - his phone - and the chat apps he's got on it.

The whole of this year he has been messaging other females and there's one female in particular who he also now appears to be addicted to. I found stuff on our laptop (that HE uses mostly - me just occasionally) he had sent her a video of himself masturbating and ejaculating. When I asked him what the **** he had been doing instead of showing any remorse or holding his hands up to it, I got a very angry reaction and was told it was none of my business and to keep my f***ing nose out. My friend contacted this female as she looked very young (my H is in his late 40s) it turns out that he'd also been lying to her, telling her he was 20 (same age as she is it later transpired) using photos of another guy (that he obtained from someone else he'd talked to online whilst hubby was pretending to be FEMALE!!!) and also telling her he was single. I talked to this girl myself and was able to convince her of the truth, about his age and the fake pics and that he is MARRIED. I also told her not to let him know i'd contacted her as he has been violent to me in recent years and that he would become violent again if he knew I'd been in contact with her.

She promised not to say anything and said she would back away from him over the coming week. This didn't happen and she is STILL in regular contact with him. She has fallen for his continuation of lies as she has shown me a chat log where he's told her I'm just a friend and that he'd asked me to test her to see if SHE was genuine - he's so screwed up!!!! The problem is SHE believes HIM over me! He found out where she lives (in the USA - we are in the UK) by showing her OUR house on google maps, when she showed him HER place he wrote the details down and freaked her out (well, according to her it freaked her out) a week or so later by telling her he would send her a package of UK things. I later found out that he'd sent her a sweatshirt of his as well as chocolates and crisps (chips)

Just over a week ago we had a huge argument about all of this weirdness and he lost his temper when I called him a sexual predator. He kicked a glass door (that he was one side of, while I was the other side) really hard into me, hitting me in the head. I ran from the house with bloody pouring from my head and a neighbour called paramedics for me. The police also came here and arrested him. He was held for 10 hours and released without charge but with a caution.

That might seem like he got off lightly and he DID, but the reason the police didn't make a case against him (which they wanted to do) is this - I have an anxiety disorder and monophobia. I can't handle being alone. I am dependant on HIM, financially and also because of my anxiety and phobias. I have to be so careful of things I say and do where he's concerned.

I feel completely trapped and can't see any way out of this. The only way out is for me to try to turn my OWN life around and deal with my own anxieties, but that feels impossible to do when I'm living under such stress filled conditions. Even as I type this post I have to type so quietly in case he wakes and hears me typing 

Just to have some people to talk to on here would help. I'm not looking to hear anyone come up with a solution as I don't believe there is one, but just to be heard, will help me cope.

Thanks for listening x


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Do you have family close by? Do you work? If you don't work and have family within driving distance I would pack up and leave and stay with family.

Being alone for a time will eventually lead to you finding someone who actually makes you happy. So if you keep your mind on the happiness you will find it might get your through your fear of being alone.

Because honestly, you already are alone.

Love can be wonderful. Someone to share your thoughts with. Your dreams with. Your victories with. Your failures with. Someone who always put your needs before his own. The one person you know will walk a mile barefoot in the snow for you if necessary. You could have that. You deserve that. 

But you have to begin somewhere and that is by leaving this man and setting your sights on a future that you deserve.

And when you leave seek counseling so that you don't end up with another abuser. Learn how to set boundaries and recognize predators. Predators love co-dependents because they can control them.

Research the signs of abusers so that you can recognize them. The come into your life showering you with affection. They pursue you and make you feel like a queen. They are quick to commit. Once they have you, you see the real them. 

Be strong. You are already alone. You have the ability to find happiness. Start the journey today.


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## graciousgoes (Nov 27, 2013)

whataboutthis? thank u so much for your reply.

My parents are divorced and though they both live nearby they're elderly. My dad is in an elderly people's accommodation and my mother is remarried and has a cat, so won't allow me to stay there as I have a dog who needs constant care so leaving her with HIM is not an option. I have a sibling who is married but who is completely unsympathetic to my situation. Basically I have nowhere to go nor anyone I can dump myself on either. 

I hear you when you say I'm already alone and I know (and feel) that I *am*, in the sense you mean, but I really can't handle the thought of living alone. The monophobia is so consuming that even living with this vile bully of a man (who once *was *all of those lovely things you mentioned in your fourth paragraph for over 20 years, even while he was using drugs daily - but who *now *has no thought for me or my feelings) is better than being alone in the true, literal sense of the word. 

Most of the people around me (and there are now only a few as most have distanced themselves due to his drug taking) tell me I should leave or ask HIM to leave, and they say it with the best of intentions, but not one of them has ever had to live their life alone, and yet they expect me to, despite my monophobia. 

I really feel he needs help to deal with all of HIS many issues. It's not 'normal' to be doing the things he does. Acting out a female online persona, switching back to being male to conduct a sexual online relationship with a 20 year old when he's almost 50, using fake photos, passing me off as 'just a friend' to her, sending her videos of himself masturbating, sending her stuff through the post, he once made a 30 minute long call to her which cost £30. It's like every new horrible discovery I make about his sordid secret life is worst than the last and I feel I'm almost becoming desensitised - like nothing shocks me any more.

I really don't want to live like this. I pray that he'll wake up to himself and soon. But deep down I don't believe that will ever happen.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what are you doing to deal with YOUR issues? Forget fixing him. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. You need to focus on YOU.

C


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> That might seem like he got off lightly and he DID, but the reason the police didn't make a case against him (which they wanted to do) is this - I have an anxiety disorder and monophobia. I can't handle being alone. I am dependant on HIM, financially and also because of my anxiety and phobias. I have to be so careful of things I say and do where he's concerned.


The first thing that you need to do is visit your doctor and get yourself referred to a good therapist. Until your own issues are addressed, I'm afraid it's futile for anyone to tell you that you should leave your abusive H, because you're probably in a catch 22 situation right now.

How long have you suffered from anxiety and monophobia, and have you ever received treatment for it? Do you feel that your H's abuse has contributed towards your condition?

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but you really must seek professional help and get yourself well enough to be able to leave this highly abusive man.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Cosmos is right. Now is the time to focus on yourself. See a therapist and focus on you.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Therapy will help. Keep in mind that ending marriages and being faced with an uncertain and solitary life is difficult for many people. Most who go through this are just afraid as you are and have to find strength within them they didn't know they had. Hopefully a counselor can help you. If not, you may need to dig way down inside yourself, you may find a person there that is strong. You don't need to be phobia free to do this.

Start preparing, can you find another home for your dog, even temporarily? I know that having an unhealthy dog is hard and she needs care, but you need to look at options. Can you get on disability so you would have your own income? Can you work from home at something? Can you slowly put away some money for yourself and your future, even if it is taking some every week and slipping it into an account of your own?

And lastly, you are not dealing with your husband, you are dealing with drugs. The husband you once knew is gone and never coming back. You need to face this. Drugs are evil and make the person using them evil. Every time you talk to him, you are talking to the drugs. Drugs don't care about you, you are no better than dirt to them. Use this information to get strength, move forward and plan for your future. As long as you are with him, you will be in danger, if not from him, then from the people he is bringing into his life - drug dealers, prostitutes, etc.

And lastly, I am truly sorry for your situation. I have seen drugs destroy lives before. It is a situation I would wish upon no one.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JustHer said:


> And lastly, you are not dealing with your husband, you are dealing with drugs. The husband you once knew is gone and never coming back. You need to face this. Drugs are evil and make the person using them evil. Every time you talk to him, you are talking to the drugs. Drugs don't care about you, you are no better than dirt to them. Use this information to get strength, move forward and plan for your future. As long as you are with him, you will be in danger, if not from him, then from the people he is bringing into his life - drug dealers, prostitutes, etc.
> 
> And lastly, I am truly sorry for your situation. I have seen drugs destroy lives before. It is a situation I would wish upon no one.


How true this is ...It almost sounds like his Mid life crisis (8 yrs ago, early 40's).. set him on a path of destruction.. as it sounds he was a decent good man & husband before this time..... what a shame... 

Here is an excellent article explaining what ABUSE looks like... , different forms...and why you need to get out of this sort of relationship...if he refuses help... 
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

...and this article can help you know the do's and don't of getting out...where to turn, (though this is a US article)...

Help for Abused & Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters & Support

At the bottom it says in the UK to call here *>*


> *UK**: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.*


...and for international help


> *Worldwide*: *visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.*


Hope this gives you come direction...someone to talk to, who can guide you during this time.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

whataboutthis? said:


> Cosmos is right. Now is the time to focus on yourself. See a therapist and focus on you.


I could not agree more...nobody deserves to b abused. That's garbage. Please look after yourself.


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## graciousgoes (Nov 27, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who has posted replies. Now I don't feel so alone in this at least, so thank u xx

It's been hard for me to post anything before now as he's been watching me closely and questioning everything I do (especially online) when I spoke on the phone with my mother over the weekend he was butting in in the background telling my mum that I was being selfish burdening her with my worries. He wants me to keep my mouth shut about how he acts so he can be the silent bully, but I won't be silenced! I honestly think he's trying to push me to breaking point but that's not going to happen either. He knows that if anything happens to me that he'll get the house and everything else I own. What ever I say or do is wrong in his eyes, even if I ignore him THATS wrong too. Any little excuse to kick off he'll take it. He flaunts his online flings that he conducts over his mobile in the hope that I'll comment on it and he'll then use THAT to start a massive argument. I give him cash and if I ask if he has any change THAT is wrong and he'll threaten to have his earnings paid into the new account he's set up in his name only. If I say anything he takes offence at he'll threaten to walk out in the early hours of the morning KNOWING that this will cause me to panic. He's not just a 'bully' he's like a terrorist and thats a strong word to use I know but bully doesn't even come close!!!!

Knowing that he's trying to crush my spirit is helping to keep me strong but I get weak moments where I feel so alone and in despair. I need to find a way out of this, and I'm trying sooooooo hard to focus on myself, but the odds are seriously stacked against me and it's really hard to tune HIM out of my thoughts and STAY focused.

Knowing I have you folks here is a huge help!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

graciousgoes said:


> I'm not looking to hear anyone come up with a solution as I don't believe there is one


Nonsense. That's what psychologists and psychiatrists and treatment facilities are for. (for you, not him)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And I think that phone needs to mysteriously disappear.


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## graciousgoes (Nov 27, 2013)

turnera said:


> And I think that phone needs to mysteriously disappear.


That might seem like a quick-fix solution but...

1) He'd easily be able to get another, and re-add everyone to his contacts

2) He'd more than likely try to strangle me - possibly even succeed! 

I've noticed this last week that the more I work on my *own *issues the angrier he's getting in general. I went out for a good walk with the dog a few nights ago - for 40 minutes, needless to say without the bully! That's no mean feat when going out alone (or with your dog) is a scary thing! And it's like the more small steps *I* make, the more *he's* trying to verbally beat me down again. I've decided to 'use' this ploy of his to gain more strength from it. I won't let him defeat me!!!!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He might get another, but the upside is that YOU will feel better for having taken control, and HE will notice that YOU are feeling better, and the locus of control will have shifted over to you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Counseling is a must - being along can be wonderfully liberating! Chosing what you want to do, no disturbances, etc.

BUT if this is a true phobia then counseling and possibly medication are a good start. 

Have you thought about looking at ads for roommates? I know a few women (and at a time I was one of them) who have roommates. In one instance they are both recently retired and have limited incomes so sharing a home, enjoying company and activities with a friend is a wonderful solution.

Another set of friends include a woman who lost her job in the bad economy and hasn't found a comparable job (went from 50K annually to a waitress job at a diner) so took in a roommate who is divorced and has an adult son who lives elsewhere.

After divorce I had a roommate to help with bills. Sometimes the company is nice but I'm happy without at this point.

I think you may find that if you can leave him with the comfort of a roommate that you will lose a lot of the fears - I think he is a source of them. He is an addict - he is addicted to drugs, sex, internet attention... this will never change and you deserve more.


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