# Hurt and confused



## dolphinschick (Feb 25, 2013)

My husband of almost 17 years has told me he thinks he wants a divorce. We have two boys 10 and 3. He went through this a year and a half ago. My husband was diagnosed with cancer 8 1/2 years ago and has been in remission for 8. He has also been diagnosed with depression since that time as well. When our son was born 3 years ago he began to change. Make rash important decisions (like quit a job with no other lined up, move us to a new state etc). I have been very supportive of his search for happiness. None of these decisions made him happy. Almost a year after moving he told me he didnt know if he wanted to be married anymore. He felt he missed out on living life since we married young. Thought he would be happier single. So he seperated from me emotionally started going to strip clubs, getting massages from online sources etc. He had to come clean and tell me that he paid for oral with a stripper. So eventually he came back and things were good again. Now here we are again. Just hit me with it out of the blue. Just before this happened was telling me he loved me, couldn't wait to buy me this peice of jewlery in feb. He said that I don't show him enough affection or support him or take care of him like I should. I can admit that I may not have met his needs as often as he would like. I have apologized ((profusely and sincerely) for that and have even started counseling. I do have to say though I do everything to keep the house going. He comes home from work and goes and stays in his man cave and doesnt eat with us help with the kids or anything else.Right before this he had an appt. with psychologist and blew it off didnt feel like going but acknowledged he needed a higher dose of meds. Since this started (actually before) he stopped taking his medicine for depression.
For a month and a half he has not talked to me except through texts only to tell me if he is going somewhere after work. Does nothing to help me with the kids and is still unsure what he wants to do. He said what he wants is simple to be happy all the time, be taken care of and have fun. He sends me mixed meaasges and it hurts. Like he came down the other morning and put his arms around me and held me. I know deep in my heart I have been a very good wife. I know there are things that I couldve done better. I wish he wouldve talked to me before so I can work on what I was lacking. Even when it comes to talking about all this he still insists on doing through text said he isnt comfortable with talking to me. I have been trying to accept it although I don't want to and I still have a sliver of hope.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

no more apologies... at this point he will merely use that to rationalize his own crappy behavior, and from what you have said, not meeting his needs as often as he would like is NOT justification for all the crappy stuff he is doing to you and the family. 

cheaters look for any sort of justification they can find to rationalize their behavior, or project their own shortcomings onto loving/faithful spouses, in order to make themselves feel "okay" about what they are doing. don't give him that any longer. look up the 180 on here and do the 180.


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## dolphinschick (Feb 25, 2013)

I know I am done with apologizing...have looked up the 180 and I am on board. Thanks for your advice its much needed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Just hang in there. My journey started 2 years ago in April 2011, but I believed we were fixing things, even though deep down inside I knew she wasn't trying, I denied it and kept "keeping on". 

In December she did the same thing she did that started this all off, I found out about it, gave an ultimatum, and she chose to give up her family rather than get rid of the OM. So I'm closing in on two months from the point of my wife saying she wanted a divorce. (December 29th 2012). The ups and downs are extreme, the best advice I can give?

1) Do your best not to think about "What was", instead think about yourself and how you move on in the best manner for you and your children, WITHOUT regard to what he is doing.

2) Make a list of a) What I can control and b) what I cannot control. You will find a lot of things on the "cannot control" list go into the "What was" category and they deal mostly with your spouse. Taking care of what you CAN control involves setting up plans and following through with them.

3) Do NOT go over old pictures, letters, emails, poems, even thoughts in your head about how wonderful things ever were (I have trouble with this one). Don't search his name on the internet, if you are on Facebook and he is also, or any of the other social sites, think hard about getting rid of Facebook etc, because it is really easy to pine over someone when you continue to go to their user page. For me, I started blogging again, haven't blogged in years, feels good, gets me away from anything online that she is doing because she quit blogging some 2 years ago. That way I get my online fix without needing stupid Facebook for it (FXXX Facebook, ruined my marriage, with my wife's help of course).

4) Realize that this is a process, that there are going to be days where you feel pretty decent about the way things are going, and then there are going to be days that sneak up and smash you down, even if there does not appear to be a reason for it. On the worst of days, stick through it, don't let yourself contemplate anything harmful. Keep thinking to yourself "this is temporary, this is not my fault, I am not insane, this is a natural and NORMAL reaction to an insane situation."

5) SLEEP! Don't lay in bed ALL day, but get at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. The last couple of months I had a bunch of nights sprinkled in where I was getting 2 hours or less of sleep in a night, and I found that for several days following those types of nights, I was an emotional disaster. Sleep helps reset the body and allow you to better react to stress. 

I'm no doctor or counselor, but this list is what I wrote down over the weekend (among more personal things) to help me get through my situation. They say that only losing a child is worse than divorce, in terms of the pain and suffering, and I believe it. Keep talking to friends, get the help you need, come back here, also, take everything on here with a grain of salt, even what I say. Every situation is different. I find great advice on here but I also am puzzled by some of what I see  

Best of luck to you.


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