# He's been cheating at least 15 years



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

ATTN... Long & possibly triggering post

Hi. This is my first post here and I'm in such turmoil because about 8 years ago, I learned that my husband has had a porn/sex addiction and I accidentally found groups he had joined online and IRL, as well. He also tried to tell me he wanted to have an open marriage but that's another story.... But long story short, not only is he still trolling for women online and skyping with them, he ultimately involved me (unwillingly) in his sick world and that not only ruined me, but our marriage. 

He has promised to get help over the years but hasn't. If it weren't for having three kids, I would be gone. But he is manipulative and just refuses to do anything with a divorce. 

I know I can just get one but idk if it's worth the fight anymore. I already don't recognize him as my husband. But it's hard to date because I have kids and try not to let them see me go out so I get ready after they go to bed. 

I have been dating for a few years now and my husband doesn't like it but still refuses to sign divorce papers or recognize a court date. I know I can force it but I don't want to drag my kids through mud and we already live separate lives. 

He thinks as long as he is nice to me, I should forget everything and move on but I did not want sex with those other ppl and was literally ra*ed with my husband calling the shots and choosing the guys. 

I have nightmares and flashbacks and am not sure I can handle a divorce should he make it messy. And yes, this is the short version. Idk if I should stay and keep going like I've been or bite the bullet and go through a possible blood bath of a divorce. I don't even understand why he would rather stay married. Again. Sorry so long. Help?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce. Therapy. More therapy.

And, if possible, divorce his sorry ass again.

What a piece of sh*t.

Please divorce him, get some therapy, and then -- when you're ready -- give a good, honorable, decent man the chance to love you the way that you deserve -- in a manner that empowers and enriches you, as opposed to demeaning and eroding you.


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Thanks. So far, the only "good" men I've found are married and hide that until they can't hide it anymore. I'm also so afraid that because of the things he did to me and made me do, it's going to just happen again. 

I found a therapist for me but I'm still so ready to just break. And I love my kids so much, but it's not like I can tell my family or friends what he did. It's humiliating and my family wouldn't support me. They would just use my situation as a topic of gossip. And my one friend I did tell no longer wants her daughter playing here and idk how I would explain that to my kids when all of the sudden their friends have excuses not to come over. He wouldn't touch a child or teenager but as a parent, I would be the same way.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Divorce, and if the rape was recorded, have him arrested.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

AFallenAngel said:


> I know I can force it but I don't want to drag my kids through mud and we already live separate lives.


You are kidding yourself to think your kids are not already dragged into this and the delay in resolving it is worse damage than a cleaner break.



AFallenAngel said:


> He thinks as long as he is nice to me, I should forget everything and move on but I did not want sex with those other ppl and was literally ra*ed with my husband calling the shots and choosing the guys.


Please find it in yourself enough self love and respect to not stand for something like this ever again. Start therapy this week.


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

It wasn't recorded but the statute hasn't run out. But I don't know the guys except for a few he gave my messenger to and found out he was sending intimate pics of me to them and telling them how to approach me and what I like and don't like in the hopes I would want to be with them and my husband at the same time. Only it backfired on one and after I told him what was happening, we became online friends. He will testify as to how we met. But what good will that do my kids? I have health issues and he is the one that works and carries the ins. I've been job hunting but most jobs are now part time to avoid the insurance thanks to Obamacare.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> Thanks. So far, the only "good" men I've found are married and hide that until they can't hide it anymore. I'm also so afraid that because of the things he did to me and made me do, it's going to just happen again.
> 
> I found a therapist for me but I'm still so ready to just break. And I love my kids so much, but it's not like I can tell my family or friends what he did. It's humiliating and my family wouldn't support me. They would just use my situation as a topic of gossip. And my one friend I did tell no longer wants her daughter playing here and idk how I would explain that to my kids when all of the sudden their friends have excuses not to come over. He wouldn't touch a child or teenager but as a parent, I would be the same way.


What does it tell you when you know how your parents and friends would react to knowing what your husband is truly like?

Telling your family and friends may just give you the strength and support to get out of your situation. You owe it to your children and to yourself. Having children isn't a reason to stay. It is a reason to leave.


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

I'm still trying to figure this forum out so I hope I quoted right. This answer is to eggs. I started therapy three weeks ago for a 4 or 5 time but this time to help me transition to a divorce and not let myself be manipulated. 

My kids know he cheated and that he's been violent towards me and we've talked. But they don't understand why we can't stay together and freak whenever they hear us talk about it.


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

SadSamIAm said:


> AFallenAngel said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks. So far, the only "good" men I've found are married and hide that until they can't hide it anymore. I'm also so afraid that because of the things he did to me and made me do, it's going to just happen again.
> ...


I understand that but knowing I have zero emotional support is very hard


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

AFallenAngel said:


> I'm still trying to figure this forum out so I hope I quoted right. This answer is to eggs. I started therapy three weeks ago for a 4 or 5 time but this time to help me transition to a divorce and not let myself be manipulated.
> 
> My kids know he cheated and that he's been violent towards me and we've talked. But they don't understand why we can't stay together and freak whenever they hear us talk about it.


What are the ages and genders of the kids?


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> AFallenAngel said:
> 
> 
> > I'm still trying to figure this forum out so I hope I quoted right. This answer is to eggs. I started therapy three weeks ago for a 4 or 5 time but this time to help me transition to a divorce and not let myself be manipulated.
> ...


My girls are 14 and 11 and my son just turned 19 and finished his first year of college. He's from my first marriage


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> I understand that but knowing I have zero emotional support is very hard


Do you have emotional support now?


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

SadSamIAm said:


> AFallenAngel said:
> 
> 
> > I understand that but knowing I have zero emotional support is very hard
> ...


I just started therapy three weeks ago and I wouldn't call that support because it's not like I can just call her to talk at 2am when I can't sleep or cope. I can talk to my friends about anyone but this


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

intheory said:


> Why are you still there with this deviant?
> 
> I don't buy the health insurance reason. You've talked yourself into believing that. No-one sticks around in a marriage where their husband arranges a a gang-rape, for health insurance coverage.
> 
> ...


My family is not an option and I've been in this for 18 years. It's not as easy as it was when it was just my son and I and I had a good job. 

Now, it's scary and I understand what you are saying about him bringing home "friends" and at least so far, he's taken me places. He lied about where we were going and the second I asked him almost that exact question, he flipped on me.


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

intheory said:


> 14 year old and 11 year old daughters? In this environment?
> 
> Get them away from this guy and his "friends"
> 
> Angel, many crisis centers have 24hour talk lines, where you can call in the early morning hours and talk confidentially to a volunteer. Not a counselor; but a shoulder to cry on, so to speak.


I've called but then hung up because I was afraid they would have to report and my biggest fear is having the kids taken away because he already promised to lie and say anything to keep the kids from me.


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Angel, Unless you are not telling the whole story and consenting to the sex, this is long term sexual and physical abuse. Are you sure he is not pimping you without your knowledge? Get your daughters out of there asap! Next he will move onto offering them to his friends or abusing them himself...and if and when that happens, you will be complicit in the crime. They could be taken away from you. Please wake up, protect your children, get therapy for you and them yesterday.

And whats the deal with you dating? Are you separated, living together? Sounds pretty much like an open marriage to me if both you know what is going on with each other. This whole thing sounds like a holy mess and a catastrophe for your children. Lose your fear, contact shelters and get the he11 out of there.


----------



## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

AFallenAngel said:


> I've called but then hung up because I was afraid they would have to report and my biggest fear is having the kids taken away because he already promised to lie and say anything to keep the kids from me.


That's a possibility.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are using your instincts as a mother in the wrong way. You think that you shield your children by staying, but getting the divorce would be the proper way to protect them. If you can't get out for yourself, get out for them.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Seek legal advice and work to have your husband prosecuted for whatever offences he had committed.

You SHOULD be protecting your children. But not in the way you have been.


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Thanks for all the reies. For some reason yesterday I couldn't log in. I will try and answer questions quickly but want to make one thing clear. He is not actively trying to make me have sex with other ppl. He did and after the second time I stopped going anywhere with him alone. 

My point was he promised to go to therapy and a sex addiction group among other things. He still looks for other women but hasn't met one in a long time. But I went too long with nobody to talk to and I'm trying hard to stay sane and not let him manipulate me into staying. But my lawyer said the law doesn't see it as a custodial issue because he didn't do anything physical to the kids and that making me a mental mess would actually be easier used against me than him for his actions that created this mess.


----------



## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

Divorce him now!


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Seek legal advice and work to have your husband prosecuted for whatever offences he had committed.
> 
> You SHOULD be protecting your children. But not in the way you have been.


Thank you. I have spoken to a hotline and because strangers were involved, he would have to confess but I told him that if he wanted me to think about staying that he had to write down EVERYTHING he did so we could take it to the therapist and go from there. I told him I wanted him to hand write it so he could think about every word he wrote and when he goes back and reads his own handwriting to ask himself if he wants his girls to marry someone like him. Then I sent it to my lawyer who is the best around and a lawyer friend. Both said that he didn't touch the kids so he will still probably get half placement of the kids and the dates he did those things aren't in there so he would have to confess to the dates because there is a statute of limitations and he could easily say that this all happened 5 years ago and I would have to prove that it wasn't


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> You are using your instincts as a mother in the wrong way. You think that you shield your children by staying, but getting the divorce would be the proper way to protect them. If you can't get out for yourself, get out for them.


My only problem is that he will get at the very least visitation but my state tries to give half and half placemet. He hasn't physically done anything to them so as far as the law is concerned, what he did to me has nothing to do with custody. That's my biggest fear in leaving. Plus my lawyer advised I try and get him to leave because whoever stays in the house keeps the kids during proceedings and likely after


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

allwillbewell said:


> Angel, Unless you are not telling the whole story and consenting to the sex, this is long term sexual and physical abuse. Are you sure he is not pimping you without your knowledge? Get your daughters out of there asap! Next he will move onto offering them to his friends or abusing them himself...and if and when that happens, you will be complicit in the crime. They could be taken away from you. Please wake up, protect your children, get therapy for you and them yesterday.
> 
> And whats the deal with you dating? Are you separated, living together? Sounds pretty much like an open marriage to me if both you know what is going on with each other. This whole thing sounds like a holy mess and a catastrophe for your children. Lose your fear, contact shelters and get the he11 out of there.


We are living together in opposite spaces and times. I have my own bedroom and I know he uses the Internet to meet ppl but honestly, I don't care what he does. He will never sleep in my bed again. He only had two opportunities to do what he did to me because after the second time, I refused to go anywhere alone to him. 

I have dated a few ppl and told him that I really didn't care because he promised to make a divorce difficult and financially draining. I don't want to drag my kids through that because he will probably move out soon on his own anyway because of his job location. That will be a good time to file


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Jesus FA...I'm a WH and your husband is pissing me off to no end. It's one thing to have an affair whether it be physical or emotional, but what you are describing is flat out abusive, demeaning, degrading, and simply hostile. All I can say is I hope you get through this, get beyond the abuse this a$$whole is perpetrating on you, and you get the help, and love, you deserve. I wish you the best in light of your situation. Here's hoping you get out of this mess of a relationship soon. Take care *hug*


----------



## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

This story makes me sad. please leave and make sure you and your children are safe.


----------



## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Your children are your number one priority and this is an abusive situation to them through you. Get them away from this now. If you think this isn't hurting them, you are in denial. There are domestic violence women's shelters that will help you leave and get a job to support yourself and your kids. If you can find this place online, you can find a domestic violence shelter online. Leave now. Don't be the woman who looks back and wishes she had protected her children after the abuse spills over.


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> Jesus FA...I'm a WH and your husband is pissing me off to no end. It's one thing to have an affair whether it be physical or emotional, but what you are describing is flat out abusive, demeaning, degrading, and simply hostile. All I can say is I hope you get through this, get beyond the abuse this a$$whole is perpetrating on you, and you get the help, and love, you deserve. I wish you the best in light of your situation. Here's hoping you get out of this mess of a relationship soon. Take care *hug*


 OMG. Thank you. I actually had a therapist tell me it was his LIFESTYLE. I have tried to tell mandated reporters as many details as possible and answers like that just make me give up. So now it's a lifestyle or my fault for not fullfilling him. And ppl wonder why I don't report. Why bother trying


----------



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Kitt said:


> Your children are your number one priority and this is an abusive situation to them through you. Get them away from this now. If you think this isn't hurting them, you are in denial. There are domestic violence women's shelters that will help you leave and get a job to support yourself and your kids. If you can find this place online, you can find a domestic violence shelter online. Leave now. Don't be the woman who looks back and wishes she had protected her children after the abuse spills over.


I am more than welcome to leave but I can't just take the kids with me. I won't go if it means them staying here.


----------

