# Help Hubby refuses sex



## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

I hope you can help me. My husband does not believe in sex often. However he is aroused daily if I try to initiate sex he pushes me away. We have only been married two months and did not have sex prior to marriage. He is a different culture than me, I am American he is Indian, but I don't think it is a culture difference. I told him before getting married that I would expect sex often. I know this worried him because he is much younger than me, and I have been married before. I worry that he is not sexually attracted to me. I fear that if this continues I will stop loving him. My identity has always been wrapped up with my sexuality. He is kind, caring, respectful, and loving. I feel like I am in the role of mother not lover. I should be happy, but without my sexuality I feel less of a woman. I resent him for this. I need to know how I can reconcile our sexual differences.


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## Casa (May 18, 2009)

GoodGirl said:


> However he is aroused daily if I try to initiate sex he pushes me away.


What do you mean he's aroused daily? Do you know or have you ever asked him if he has a problem with porn?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

how do you get porn out of that?? sheez

Anyway, he comes from the society of Karma Sutra, have him read some of those books.

He needs to get over the religious aspects of his life. What I mean is, his religion ahs told him it a bad thing....he is confused and needs to open up.

how old are you and how old is he?


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## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

I am 34 he is 22, There is no porn, however his cousins gave him some after we got married for pointers, and he has read up on what a woman likes. It is just that if it is more than 3 or 4 times a month he will refuse. although he gets erections daily, at night while we watch movies, in bed, or just cooking dinner together. I am more of a 2 times a day girl, so all these wasted opportunites leave me resentful.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

why does he refuse?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GoodGirl-

If sex is as important to you as you say, it's important that you give him an ultimatum now, or it will end up with you feeling trapped and very sorry for yourself. Se my controversial thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/4561-difference-between-men-women-who-go-off-sex.html


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## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

He has read the Kama Sutra and has tried some different positions. I have given him ultimatums, it led to having sex twice in one week, then nothing. I am already feeling trapped. What I find so hard to comprehend is he is loving, caring, giving, wonderful man it would stand to reason he would also be that kind of sex partner. He is not. He will hold and cuddle me all night long, but if I initiate sex he just kisses me all over and says sleep. I know he enjoys sex because if I refuse him on his weekly visits he gets upset. One time I got him to have sex with me in the morning it was fantastic then he finished and said rather rudely "are you happy now"? and walked away. the few times I was about to cum he pulled out and finished himself off on top of me. One time I was about to cum he pulled out before he was even done and rolled away. I am so frustrated and confused. I talked to him about the 2 types of men selfish lovers, and giving lovers. I told him I am easy to please and begged him to listen to me when we have sex so I can cum to. All this led to was him speeding up his time to less than a minute so he can finish before I do. I am so aroused lately cause he is into foreplay almost daily, snuggles, back rubs, and affection, just not into my fulfillment. I feel dirty and used for the first time in my life. I enjoy sex greatly and have been discriminate about who I bestow my body to. I have gone years at a time without a lover so I am no wanton. I am a woman who knows what she wants. Why am I having a hard time now getting my husband who I have dedicated my life, my body, and my heart to for the rest of my life to give me what I need?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GoodGirl said:


> I know he enjoys sex because if I refuse him on his weekly visits he gets upset.


What weekly visits? Can you explain this in more detail? 



GoodGirl said:


> All this led to was him speeding up his time to less than a minute so he can finish before I do.


It would appear from they way you tell it that he enjoys having power over you. My first question is why?

I am also wondering if he is having an affair.


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## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

The affair thing jumped out at me more than once. I have been suspicious enough to look deeper. I found some things to worry me but no concrete fact. I approached him and those things disappeared. He stopped acting distant and became more loving. I have been keeping a record of when we have sex since March he is on a sort of pattern mostly Saturday nights, but if I say no he keeps trying so it ends up being Monday or Tuesday. The sex is weird that is why I am so desperate. I was ready to file divorce after less than 2 months because of this weirdness. However I promised him I was in it for good. I mean to keep that promise. Our marriage is not conventional by my standards, I am not sure about his. The sexual desire is there he does not lack that. He is an emotionally giving man he has never lacked that. He claims my happiness his his sole responsibility as husband (I don't believe that is the case I make my own happiness) He was just raised that a husband keeps his wife happy. however all it would take to make me happy would be sex at least 3 times a week and a chance at an orgasm. How do I explain this to him in terms he could comprehend?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GoodGirl said:


> I was ready to file divorce after less than 2 months because of this weirdness. However I promised him I was in it for good. I mean to keep that promise.


This was a mistake. In negotiations you never tell the other person they can get away with anything - even if they can. He needs to know that you have a limit, otherwise he will keep pushing until you find it.



GoodGirl said:


> How do I explain this to him in terms he could comprehend?



If I were in your position, I would stop all sex until he is willing to discuss it like an adult. He is getting something out of denying you pleasure.

If he likes sex as much as you say, he will soon crack and reveal the truth.


You did not explain the what you meant by the weekly visits.


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## tohaveandtohold (May 18, 2009)

Hi there, I read your message and I can so understand everything u r experiencing. I have been married for coming up to a year now in June here and my husband is from a different culture than myself. I am Catholic and Irish and he is Muslim and Turkish. At the beginning or our relationship it was exciting and sex was good but now, if im lucky we will have sex once a month. It is boring and no foreplay and usually ends quick. He has no interest in my body or my needs and we have sex when he wants it. I love him dearly and cudnt imagine my life without him, but this no sex business is really frustrating me. He dosent think its an issue, and when i tell him he needs to start putting out, he tells me he cant get erect and is depressed. he wont say anything else about it.
Ive told him i dont think he fancies me anymore but he tells me im talkin rubbish so really i duno how we can resolve our issue, just like yours.
Have u tried tying your man down to a chair and not letting him move until he listens to you?! 
if you have any ideas soon,or wat works for you, please can you let me know!
Goodluck!


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## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

to Mark Twain: The weekly visits are just a turn a phrase I use. we spend every night in bed cuddling, but he seems to be willing to have sex once a week on average. I have been keeping a log. I do agree with you that I can't keep putting out with no return. I am not willing to satisfy him when I get none. Thank you for the advice I am going to put it in play. If we can get past this one barrier we have a shot at a great life together.


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## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

to tohaveandtohold: I have not considered tieing him to a chair to listen, but I have offered to be tied up. I am into explorations. He just gets confused and upset, asks me not to talk about those things. I told him if he made me keep bottling up who I am I would not be responsible for where, when or how I would explode. I have no answers yet. If I find the answer I will pass it onto you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GoodGirl-

You need to get to the bottom of why he takes pleasure in deliberately frustrating you. You must not fall into the trap of doing the same to him.

If you stop sex, it must be because you want him to agree to having mutual pleasure, not just pleasure for him. 

Also, have you re-though your "never leaving him no matter what" strategy? It sounds like you have low self esteem to me. You are worth more than that.


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## GoodGirl (May 8, 2009)

Thanks for the reminder not to make this sex issue become a vendetta. I could easily let it go that direction. I have suffered from low self esteem in the past. It is why I have not remarried in ten years, and not had a serious relationship in the past 5 years. I have been working on loving, liking, and accepting myself. I never said I would not leave him. I told him I would never divorce him. He would have to divorce me, and by the mandate of a pre-nup he would have to pay his, and my lawyer fees if he files for divorce. I am more than willing to leave him, and even file seperation papers if it became financially necessary. I just promised never to divorce him. Please do not think he is not a giving, loving man. It is sex he has a hang up about that is the complete opposite of my sex hang up. We have a mutually respectful and loving relationship. I have known him almost 2 years and I only admire him more each day. It is the oddity of how he refuses me, and himself sexual pleasure. I don't feel like I am not attractive I know I arouse him, the proof is there daily. It is his denial to let sex enter into the marriage bed that pisses me off.

You have given me a smart and mature path to follow, where as before I was floundering in self pity and wishful thinking. I have a resolve that I would not have come to as quickly if you had not pointed out some very astute observations. How you got so quickly to the truth of what I was really thinking or saying from what I wrote astounds me. You have great insight and it is a value that you pursue your calling to help others.


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## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

GoodGirl said:


> I hope you can help me. My husband does not believe in sex often. However he is aroused daily if I try to initiate sex he pushes me away. We have only been married two months and did not have sex prior to marriage. He is a different culture than me, I am American he is Indian, but I don't think it is a culture difference. I told him before getting married that I would expect sex often. I know this worried him because he is much younger than me, and I have been married before. I worry that he is not sexually attracted to me. I fear that if this continues I will stop loving him. My identity has always been wrapped up with my sexuality. He is kind, caring, respectful, and loving. I feel like I am in the role of mother not lover. I should be happy, but without my sexuality I feel less of a woman. I resent him for this. I need to know how I can reconcile our sexual differences.


 I think you maybe looking at this wrong and you may never know unless you talk to your husband and sort things out. Can it be possible that it could be a cultural or religious difference that you may not be aware of. My husband for instance while fasting will not touch me that whole entire day. I can do a little dance half naked on his lap and tempt him in every way (I have tried I'm bad lol) and he will get aroused but still refuse. I just think you are looking at his refusal for sex could be because of another reason then what you think. He could be fasting, meditating , praying or it could be many things beyond your understanding.


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## Dontknowhow2love (Aug 13, 2010)

MarkTwain, I debate your statement she has low self esteem. You do not know what is in this man's head and assuming he is purposely out to hurt this woman. Sit on your pedalstool and destroy this womans marriage over your assumptions of your biased opinions. I know my husband is from a different culture and we can look at things two different ways. The only thing you and her husband has in common are that your both men. There are more to this situation that meets the eye.


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