# Seperation? have a 1yr old



## MLR91 (Jun 7, 2012)

So I really want my marriage to work, let me give you a little backstory before I ask for advice on our current issue.:cone4:
We have been through alot and have seperated once before.
I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 29, he works in the oilfield. Our first big issue started when the oilfield crashed, and I found myself supporting our household and paying child support for his son. He was a very bad alchoholic. We were obiously both depressed, I made a mistake that I am not proud of. I had an affair, so we thought that a fresh start would do us some good. we moved to florida, but I was still very unhappy and his drinking got worse. On the fourth of July that year, he was so inoxicated that he threatend to stab me with a screw-driver, backhanded me and punched me.
The economy was terrible so I found the only job i could to get me back to Texas where my family lives. 
We were seperated for three months, I dated someone. 
Current(ish):
Then he came back (I had already filed for divorce) He went to AA, we dated then got back together. A few months later I found myself pregnant (after being told by several doctors that I wasn't likely to concieve)
I was Elated, and things were great until a few months ago, my husband has OCD and will not seek treatment. Everytime he comes home I'm ready for a fight, because if the house is not perfect he freaks out. He has not gotten violent, but I hate fighting in front of the kids. I am a stay at home mom, I am so depressed and it makes me feel so worthless that I can't even keep the house running smoothly. He has been trying for the past week or so to remain calm, and understanding, but I think it might be because I mentioned a seperation.
Maybe I need some independace? Or Should I just stick it out and wait for the depression to go away?


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi MLR91 --

I feel bad for you. I have a few thoughts and suggestions:

-- It sounds like you've been depressed for quite a while. I don't think it will go away by itself. See a therapist for counseling and a psychiatrist for antidepressant medication. Think of it as you would treating any illness (diabetes, heart disease). 

-- If your husband has OCD and that's why he freaks if the house isn't spotless, then that is an issue he needs to deal with. Even if you were the perfect wife and mother (nobody is), he would likely still get angry because of the OCD. So please don't feel worthless! He needs to deal with this issue. You may want to tell him that either he gets treatment for the OCD or you're going ahead with the separation and see how he reacts to that. 

-- I would usually say that anytime your spouse is physically violent toward you or the kids, get out of town ASAP and don't look back. But you said he was very drunk at the time and now he's gone to AA. Has he quit drinking entirely? If he hasn't, IMO it's a matter of time before he's violent again, and you and your child should leave as soon as you have any indication of this behavior.

-- Sounds like you got married at a very young age. The fact that you had an affair and dated someone else for 3 months could mean that you weren't ready for marriage, especially if your friends are busy being young, single adults. Your husband, on the other hand, was probably very ready to settle down at age 29. This may be why you're feeling depressed and trapped. 

I think you need to get out of this marriage now. It doesn't show signs of getting better and will likely get worse.

Wishing you the best.


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## MLR91 (Jun 7, 2012)

He has quit drinking for the most part, and hasn't gotten physical since we have been back together.
I agree with you, we both need treatment. I have been on medication off and on since I was twelve, my husband has never been properly treated for his condition. I want him to get help no matter what happens with our relationship. 
I suggested marriage consuling today, and he wasn't very thrilled with the idea. Maybe we need space to deal with our issues seperatly before dealing with our marital issues together?


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## MLR91 (Jun 7, 2012)

I wasn't ready for the marriage, though i thought I was, motherhood has given me a very new perspective on it though.
I want my daughter to have the best home life I can give her, I had a very screwed up childhood, and do not want that for her.
My H is a amazing father, and we are on wonderful terms with his ex, he always pays his CS, and his boy, and our little girl adore him. I love him because he is the father of my child, and has been there through some really rough times in my life. The most recent thing happend october 23rd when my brother took his life, leaving behind two young children. I don't want to hurt him, and I'm scared because he has said before that he understands why dads just leave thier children after a seperation/divorce. He gets very emotional during the school year only getting his son six days out of the month. I want my daughter to know her daddy, I never did, and it effected me in a big way.


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## MLR91 (Jun 7, 2012)

Affected*


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

When a marriage turns into a battefield, I think it's time to seek outside professional help. He has an OCD problem and both of you just need to be given the right tools to deal with problem. He needs to learn how to understand what it's like to be married with someone with OCD and you have to understand what it's like for him too.

I would try some kind of marriage cousneling.


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