# An Extraordinary Life...



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

8 months of sketchy, up and down R. 

I thought R would be a beautiful and painful coming back together. A realization that you both did not want to lose your marriage. It seems like that is finally happening for me, the BS. But barely.

This forum's stickies are for real. The things the WSs say are textbook. The history rewrites, trickle-truth and blameshifting, minimizing and yes, you want to die.

But something changes, eventually, and you just say look, "Since when did the definition of cheating change?" (He says no physical sex = no cheating...) "I thought it was any relationship with another person for the purposes of ANY KIND OF SEX/EMOTIONAL FULFILLMENT that you deliberately hide from your spouse."

Then you realize, that IS the definition (for you). Then you see how ultimately unfair your spouse is being and they don't see it till you are packing your bags.

The sad part is.....all the time and energy that you put into figuring it out, crying, feeling sorry for yourself and just plain BLAH. Thinking of how I could have used that time for my family, my work, my projects and my hopes and dreams.

And while I will never regret the time I spent believing in my marriage, I do feel "cheated". Like part of my life was squandered, on the flittering and frivolous interests of a spouse with a huge sense of entitlement.

So "cheating" has taken on new meaning. Its not just the betrayal that needs to be healed from, it's the cheated life, time and dreams. When I decided that I wanted my full LIFE back, not just my marriage, that's when the healing finally began.

This is an extraordinary life. So I say, go, just GO. Take time and go to the mountains, go to the river, or like me, go to the ocean. No blame no problems.....just a quick, "I am getting out of town, its too hot here and I need to see the Ocean." And out the door I went. 

I haven't been the same since I got back. Four days was all I could manage away and it changed me forever. For the betrayed? The best advice I can think of. Truly healing.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't know what else to say except that you write beautifully and this post really touched my heart today.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> I don't know what else to say except that you write beautifully and this post really touched my heart today.


Thank you, miss taken....

This feeling of "just go, stop crying and go" hasn't left me at all. Yesterday, I told my H I was going to go for a walk. When I got out of the shower, he was dressed and ready to go! (I was surprised as he rarely goes for walks anymore.) I asked if he was going to the store or something and he said, "No, I am going with you..."

So we walked down to the wildlife refuge and hiked down through the marshes to the river, it took all afternoon and it was breathtaking. We came across a deer on the way back and it just stopped and looked strait into my eyes. I had to take her picture. She was uncommonly graceful. 

The fresh air, the sun, the cool forest, the wildlife, all aid in lifting my once-debilitating depression and anxiety. All the crying, righteous recriminations and "talks" did nothing to move my husband. But my "going" certainly did.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

I truly believe that there comes a point in R. where you decide that it doesn't get to be about the WS any more. All that they did, all that they put you through, all that you want from them as time goes on . . . . suddenly you realize that if life is ever going to move on, it HAS to be your OWN life. If that life involved the WS, great. If it is a life with out the WS, that really can't be changed. 

Suddenly you stop being afrade of all the changes and the pain. And you realize that you can choose. For us BS's that ability of choice can be liberating.

And as we grow in that power, we become amazing human beings. Don't be surprised if not only your spouce, but friends and family as well notice the new, non-fearful you. 

Enjoy the glow!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LWC~

I bet now you understand what I mean when I say that an affair is anything less than 100% of your affection and loyalty to your spouse only. It sounds like a "tight little definition" but in real life what I mean is the full force of what's behind it: either you're IN the marriage or your not, in which case you are OUT of the marriage. And I don't mean no human being can ever look at or speak with someone of the opposite sex--that's not realistic! But I DO mean that when I look at that man with whom I work my FULL thought and attention is on work or "what if my Dear Hubby was standing right here? Would he be flattered by the way I'm talking and acting and what I'm saying about him? If not, then *I* need to change!" 

And I bet now you understand what I meant when I said you HAVE TO get out of there. Personally I meant pack and leave for as long as you need to be away to have this realization, and thankfully for you, the ocean is very cathartic that way. The ocean has an unending timelessness and immense-ness that makes you realize all-at-once that the thing you've been clinging to isn't really all that big (in the scheme of the universe) and yet at the same time that you are part of LIFE and the whole of the universe, and to waste it on clinging to the past, hurt, and someone who just won't treat you right...is silly. 

I've had moments where I wished or hoped that "Mr. Attitude" would "get it" and maybe one day he will, but I'm not altogether sure that by the time he applies the lesson to himself that you won't be out the door living the life you were intended to live, blooming like a flower that has FINALLY realized the sun was there all along.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I am resurrecting an old zombie thread I wrote back in 2012. The reason? Because it was one of the few where there was some hope and reflection. Only 4 posts....then I must have started another thread detailing all the latest drama, pouring out all the pain...

I think it was hopefulgirl or maybe vibride who told me to go back and reread some of my threads...because the toxic patterns would not be able to hide in my psyche then...and they would become illuminated in the bias-less medium of a journal, even though some of the posts were obviously from a decided position....the pattern itself was undeniable.

When I reread my original thread, Cloak and Dagger, from 2 years ago, it shows clearly that my WH's responses to me have pretty much been the same over this span of time...from dday to today. Some of the fights we have had in the last few months are exact repeats of what I wrote here 2 years ago! 

Then of course there was the Open Letter thread, my effort to hash it out here on the boards, to get more input than just ourselves, to get outside of the drama and see it, in the light, all the brutality and damage the betrayal had done to both of us, not just me. We were both here, basically having one of our usual fights on the boards! But that was a dismal failure save one deep insight that I think has really changed me.

There was a time in R when I thought we would make it, there was a trip last summer to the mountains that restored my faith. It was like he was back, like we were really together again.

Well, I just got back from another trip. Because I had that feeling again of needing to get away. Things had gotten so bad I thought the greatest gift we could give each other for Valentine's Day was peace and solitude, a break from the highly charged emotional environment our daily life had become.

I think no matter how bad things get in a marriage after lies and betrayals are discovered, a forum like this is a help in the style of the Socratic method. The journaling over time can give an answer that comes from deep within. One that no guide or counselor can provide. An insight that can only be arrived at by growth and reflection.

Somewhere within each of us lies the power to change what seems changeless.

PEACE.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Lost - I have read everyone of your posts and your husband's. 

I don't think your M is over by a long shot if you are both willing to work on things.

I would recommend doing some research on passive aggression and why men resort to the silent treatment. And look at some strategies in dealing with a spouse who does this.

For some folks it gets old and I do understand your frustration. There is lots of baggage in this M.

If you decide that it is no longer worth the effort I do understand that as well. Your posts show a high degree of frustration and it takes two to bring about healing. There is some health issues with your husband related to neuropathy.

He is also conflict avoidant and his silence is his way of coping and it is not fair to you. And the way he deals with stuff secretly is not healthy either.

The issues that you have was addressed by other posters and I think there was a fair assessment of your issues. Don't dismiss what affaircare and tunera wrote.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you so much thor you have been such a help over these last 2 years with all your insight and advice.

I would like to think that I could take this advice and have it work. And I did wholeheartedly believe this when I first came to TAM. But the truth is, no matter how much I read and find ways to respond to the silent treatment, it endures. And gets worse over time. When I say my H shuts down for days and there are no resources in the house, it is an understatement. I am being kind.

I have tried to help my H with his physical issues but our problems existed long before he was dealing with his very painful health condition. I have tried to help in every way I can think of up to and including every suggestion that has been made to me here.

More than anything I wish my R would have been a success. I love my H dearly and I realize that this is simply not enough.

My own mental and physical health is suffering now. And I need healing. I wanted healing for my H and my marriage but it has been at great cost to me to desire this. In the end, I am blamed for it all and ignored, yes again, for days at a time. Even after I have been gone for days. There is no solving anything this way. There is just a history rewrite that makes me the bad guy. Its like I am being punished for trying to R.....like the longer I stay, the more things get turned around and blamed on me.

Nowhere, does it seem is there any remorse for what has happened. Nowhere is there any understanding for the way I have been disregarded and disrespected. Nowhere is there any restitution that has been made for the destruction of vows. Nowhere is healing in this house.

I can fight for it, cry about it, try to talk it out, with a man who simply blames me and walks away.

I see that my R is false and my marriage is dead. But I still love so deeply and with my whole spirit.....people just call me stupid and codependent and tell me I love drama and pain.

I don't.

I just know when I walk away, its not a game. Its for real.

I want an extraordinary life. He used to want that too. Now all he wants is to be left alone. So what does that leave for me? For the life I thought we were building together? I can't do it alone.

Thor, I know it would work if we were both trying. His effort never lasts. The patterns are deeply trod. Just last week he said he wanted to keep trying and then a few days later said he was done and went silent. Then I left for a week, came home and by nightfall we were fighting and then the silence began again, that was 3 days ago. He keeps saying he wants to try and then changes his mind when the hard work begins. 

Its been 2 years and no progress. He cheated and we haven't even dealt with why. My heart has been broken for a long time. 

Its ruining my life and his life. I want to just take responsibility for myself now and not be a burden to him any longer.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Marriage is something that is precious. I think space in a marriage is a healthy thing. If someone cannot give the other person space to figure out life by themselves - then that is their insecurity. But when someone cheats that throws the whole system out of kilter. There is no trust to give the other person "space" to work things out. Things are broken per se....funny, I had a thought today that if my former really loved me - she never would have cheated in the first place. People who love one another do not inflict emotional pain on one another. Does not happen. I mean I do not go out and deliberately do something that would hurt my children or mother? No! Why - because I love them. I get sick and tired of all the excuses that people who have affairs use to justify their errant nonsense. Truth is they do not care. They may not like the consequences that follow such as divorce, estranged family members, societal negative views on them, but if they go back it is not love. I mean, who does not know that cheating will severely damage the other person? Cripes even teenagers know that much!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is what I call a fair-weather spouse: It's great when there are no pressures, no expectations, and things are going good for us. But if you ask me to do more than just enjoy life together, well, I'm fine being divorced. Because you want 'too much' from me.

Best to know now than to involve another 10-20 years on it, when you could be out enjoying a better life. I truly believe that many many people marry the first time to the wrong person, for the wrong reasons.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> He is what I call a fair-weather spouse: It's great when there are no pressures, no expectations, and things are going good for us. But if you ask me to do more than just enjoy life together, well, I'm fine being divorced. Because you want 'too much' from me.
> 
> Best to know now than to involve another 10-20 years on it, when you could be out enjoying a better life. I truly believe that many many people marry the first time to the wrong person, for the wrong reasons.


The thing is.... we both married young. And both divorced within a year. This is the second marriage for both. Since 1995, off and on, , married for ten years in April.

As I have said before.....this is the love of my life, my family will always be with him. He raised my kids, he helped me finish school, etc. there is no starting over for me. That's it. 

As for him? he can still buy a house, marry a younger wife, have kids, reform (or not) and lead the charmed life he has always led. But I have to find a way to still be a decent human after all this.

I just want to get a contract and work for a while. Take a break. Take responsibility for myself. Stop being a paininsomeonesass for a while.

Especially mine!

Its best for both of us.

For everyone.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> The thing is.... we both married young. And both divorced within a year. This is the second marriage for both. Since 1995, off and on, , married for ten years in April.
> 
> As I have said before.....this is the love of my life, my family will always be with him. He raised my kids, he helped me finish school, etc. *there is no starting over for me. That's it. *
> 
> ...



LostWifeCrushed:

Your sense of desperation is loud and all-too-clear.

Please read my recent posting to Granny7, below.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...onnection-fully-revealed-105.html#post7459418

Not for you, nor for any of us, is it too late.

I have used just that rationalization in my own situation. Hell, I held that mantra for almost five years. It sounded good. It gave me lots of self-sympathy, but it was also wrong. Not only wrong, but self defeating.

The truth is that one becomes scared of the prospect. The prospect of being unable to cope with change, and of failing to find a new life. But change is not difficult. Paradoxically, what is difficult is resisting change. A new life is just there for you if you are willing to put in the work to achieve it.

I am changing my life at age seventy, and after 45+ years of marriage. It can be done. Believe me. It can.

Don't be afraid of change. Forge change along the direction you develop in your best vision, and persevere, and then persevere some more.

You have the strength do do it. I believe it, and you should too.


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