# Is It Time To Throw In Towel?



## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

Wondering what to do. Her and I have been married 15 years, we have two kids, one teen and one adult. Over the years I've felt like we are roommates and I feel very alone. She's non-affectionate, matter of fact, in her own head. Over the years I've asked if something is wrong? if there's something I can do? she always says: "Nope I'm good" I've brought up issues that bother me, she listens then does nothing to try and change it. I've asked to go to counseling she said no because she doesn't want to tell a stranger our personal life. We did the Love Languages assessment and it was obvious what I need yet nothing changed, I've asked to try harder, have deeper intimacy, better sex (quality over quantity) and she just isn't interested. I've done flowers and surprises, she's sweet and affectionate on the day I do that but it never lasts. I try pulling back and getting distant and she's totally fine with that and doesn't react or get insecure or wonder why. I feel like I'm pulling all the weight. At what point do you just realize you aren't meant for each other? I want a much closer relationship and she's just indifferent to it at all. Maybe not even capable of it, I just feel like there's nothing left to try and maybe I've stayed too long?

Thank you


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

How many times a week do you have sex?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s not changing. You’ve got what you’ve got.

Take it or leave it.

So far you’ve proved to her she doesn’t have to change a thing.


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

If I initiate, once a week and a BJ on a different day if I ask. If I didn't initiate (and I always have to) probably once every other week. It's not even just about sex, it's intimacy. There is very little.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know, there are things you can continue to try... 

However, to be honest I think she has checked out. There are all kind of different things to try and get her to wake up, but you have tried a lot of them. 

I really think that it is time to through in the towel to be honest. 

Here is the deal, if you are being honest with us, and with yourself, then you have tried. Unless you are leaving out that you are a muchkin troll or hugely over weight or something like that... To me it just sounds like she has checked out...

Have you told her you want a divorce? Have you talked to her straight? Could she be cheating? Does she work? 

Lot's of questions to answer but in the end, I am thinking that she has checked out and it is time to get out...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

heynowusa said:


> If I initiate, once a week and a BJ on a different day if I ask. If I didn't initiate (and I always have to) probably once every other week. It's not even just about sex, it's intimacy. There is very little.


That's contradictory. If you say you always have to initiate, and she never does, it would be never if you didn't, not ever other week. 

Not trying to trip you up, so much as needing to ascertain whether she is interested in sex at all.

So to rephrase; if you never asked for sex, would she ever?

And also, does she enjoy sex at all when it does happen?

What about in the first few years?

Sounds like you married a cold fish.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

heynowusa said:


> If I initiate, once a week and a BJ on a different day if I ask. If I didn't initiate (and I always have to) probably once every other week. It's not even just about sex, it's intimacy. There is very little.


I get you, it is an intimacy thing. What would be acceptable to you, three or so times a week, more, less?

And help with chores but don't try and "earn sex", that never works. 

What happens if you initiate three, four, five times a week?


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

OK it's not just about sex but even when we do, it's by my initiation. She's not into caressing or foreplay or anything. She want's to get off. It's very mechanical. of course I want to get off too, but not rushed. I'm decent looking and she's decent looking, neither of us are a 10. I have no performance issue, not bald, not super fat it's not attraction I don't think. She's just not into pleasure and intimacy. She wants to get it done then back on Kindle or Ipad. I've asked and asked, brought it up, tried and tried but she still puts in very minimal effort. We're just mismatched and having kids kept us together. So do I suck it up the rest of my life or start from scratch looking for a giving partner?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If sexual opportunities are frequent it may be up to you to draw it out, make it longer. 

Don't give her what she wants right off the bat. See how long you can make her wait.

It may be a "you" effort as you experiment with this but maybe she'll get more used to a longer event, and be encouraged into participating more.

Just one option. But a good one.


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## heynowusa (Feb 21, 2010)

She wants it off the bat, it's like we're on a timer. When I've tried to do that she says: "Are you gonna f*** me now???" And the point i'm making is it's not just about sex. She's not affectionate outside the bedroom. She likes to do stuff, errands and all that for me. I've told her before: "Keep the errands, I want intimacy and affection" and and she can't. Or won't try. She's smart, successful, it's not like she has a disability. I don't get it?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

heynowusa said:


> She wants it off the bat, it's like we're on a timer. When I've tried to do that she says: "Are you gonna f*** me now???" And the point i'm making is it's not just about sex. She's not affectionate outside the bedroom. She likes to do stuff, errands and all that for me. I've told her before: "Keep the errands, I want intimacy and affection" and and she can't. Or won't try. She's smart, successful, it's not like she has a disability. I don't get it?


Has she always been like this? What was it like when you first started dating?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

heynowusa said:


> Wondering what to do. Her and I have been married 15 years, we have two kids, one teen and one adult. Over the years I've felt like we are roommates and I feel very alone. She's non-affectionate, matter of fact, in her own head. Over the years I've asked if something is wrong? if there's something I can do? she always says: "Nope I'm good" I've brought up issues that bother me, she listens then does nothing to try and change it. *I've asked to go to counseling she said no because she doesn't want to tell a stranger our personal life. *We did the Love Languages assessment and it was obvious what I need yet nothing changed, I've asked to try harder, have deeper intimacy, better sex (quality over quantity) and she just isn't interested. I've done flowers and surprises, she's sweet and affectionate on the day I do that but it never lasts. I try pulling back and getting distant and she's totally fine with that and doesn't react or get insecure or wonder why. I feel like I'm pulling all the weight. At what point do you just realize you aren't meant for each other? I want a much closer relationship and she's just indifferent to it at all. Maybe not even capable of it, I just feel like there's nothing left to try and maybe I've stayed too long?
> 
> Thank you


Without 3rd-party validation that issues exist, you're dead in the water. She is living in her marriage, and she is happy with her marriage. But it's just hers. My wife did the same thing. She knew the issues I had, she could not possibly have believed I was happy with things. Yet, she was. That's not what the two of you signed up for. It's almost a dissociative behavior. It's keeping her from understanding what you need. 

Let me guess. She needs "love" which means taking care of her, being there for her. But no real intimacy. If you flirt with her, it falls flat. Send her a message so how much you appreciate something she's done (non sexual) and she thinks that's really nice. But last time she "flirted" with you, well, maybe you ended up with a kid. 

Does she understand this isn't what you signed up for? Isn't what SHE signed up for? That you do things for her that might not be that much fun for you but you enjoy doing those things because she enjoys them? That that's what married people do? But the fact that she doesn't enjoy things that you find special and important is more than an indication that she isn't into it, but that she isn't into an emotional bond with you. Doesn't understand that, without that, without at least hope that she'd want things to improve, the reasons for staying married disappear. 

Getting back to refusing to let others know about your "problems", that's a vulnerability thing. Probably shows up elsewhere in your marriage as well. Lack of vulnerability is a very big issue, one that often goes along with notions of privacy, not letting you in.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

I'm not an expert by any means, but you can either stick it out for the sake of your children, or walk away. There isn't anything wrong if you want to try to stick it out, but sometimes you have to put yourself first. But she's got to want to make the changes necessary to save the marriage, and right now, she isn't committed to that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> You know, there are things you can continue to try...
> 
> *However, to be honest I think she has checked out*. There are all kind of different things to try and get her to wake up, but you have tried a lot of them.
> 
> ...


No. I think you are wrong. She hasn't checked out, but she has checked in to a marriage that she likes and that she is happy with. @heynowusa, is that possible?

Is she possibly on the Autistic Spectrum? As I am only too well aware, that can bring a multiplicity of problems to a marriage.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I get the sense that your non-bedroom relationship is not very close. Forgetting about sex, if your relationship otherwise is more like roommates or coworkers, then trying to fix the intimacy issue won't be very successful. A close married couple will almost be like best-friends where they do lots of things together, are happy to see each other, enjoy talking with each other, etc. If your relationship is lacking in those qualities, then it's likely going to be lacking in intimacy as well.

In thinking about what to do, think about if you want to have a better relationship with your wife. If adding sex just makes it roommates having sex, then it probably is time to think about throwing in the towel. But if your wife is your best friend and you want to spend your life sharing it with her, then maybe things can get better.

How old is your teen and are they a boy or girl? If you decide to call it quits, take into consideration how they will handle it and how impactful it will be on them. If your teen is young, it might be worth putting up with some lackluster sex for a few years until your teen is at an age where a divorce would not derail them as much.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

@heynowusa, I've been pondering your thread for the past week or so, there is much in your story that I can relate to. I wonder if your wife might actually be an asexual? 

As I understand it, asexuals are people who simply do not experience sexual desire or attraction, at all. This is fundamentally different from just have a low sex drive; this is NO sex drive, zip, nada. This doesn't meant that the asexual person can never be aroused or gotten off -- some of them can -- but their wiring is such that the idea just never crosses their mind. For us sexual people (whether hetero-, ****-, or bi-) this concept of asexuality is almost impossible for us to understand, since sex is such a fundamental part of our relationships, but apparently something like 1% of the population are "ace." 

I think it is easy for ace people to not know that they are asexual for a long time, because not knowing any different they may conflate romantic feelings with sexual feelings. There is so much cultural programming around sex and relationships that we all are exposed to, even though ace people don't really understand what it all actually means. They may go along with having sex even though it doesn't seem to be doing much for them and they themselves just don't get what the big deal is, even though they see that the other person seems to be really enjoying it. In a mixed sexual-asexual relationship, it almost always will fall entirely on the sexual partner to initiate. The asexual person will generally be passive in the act, and often will indeed want to just get it over with, so they can get back to whatever else they were going to do.

I am sorry I don't have any grand words of hope to offer, if this applies to your spouse. It is a difficult situation, and there are no easy solutions.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> No. I think you are wrong. She hasn't checked out, but she has checked in to a marriage that she likes and that she is happy with. @heynowusa, is that possible?
> 
> Is she possibly on the Autistic Spectrum? As I am only too well aware, that can bring a multiplicity of problems to a marriage.


 @heynowusa Reading through the whole thread, autism spectrum was my first thought. If she's otherwise happy in the marriage/has no complaints, there's likely no other issue contributing to a lack of intimacy. And it makes sense, considering that she doesn't like foreplay, because a lot of people on the spectrum don't like to be touched (and don't necessarily understand others' desire to be touched). It would also make sense if your relationship is lacking in emotional intimacy, which I get the feeling it is.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

heynowusa said:


> If I initiate, once a week and a BJ on a different day if I ask. If I didn't initiate (and I always have to) probably once every other week. It's not even just about sex, it's intimacy. There is very little.
> 
> That is way more than i get. Once every 5 months if im lucky


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

First of all, think very explicitly about what it is that you actually want. “Intimacy” is a very broad thing - all the way from hardcore taboo sex to sitting quietly together and reading. It’s different things to different people at different times.
So when you want more “intimacy” what is it _exactly_ that you want?
What _actual physical actions _are you wanting her to do that she’s not doing?
Have you told her what those things are?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

If you are sitting at a restaurant and see another couple nuzzling each others' necks and holding hands. Do you get that pit in your stomach? Do you sense a feeling of loss? Then yes, you are in a dead marriage and a successful business and roomate status. As for the kids, people keep telling me that seeing parents that are happy, but not necessarily together is the better way to go....


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