# I must have blinders on!



## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

I have not posted in some time. I think I have been in limbo/denial of reality. It has been one year since I found out about my husbands infidelity of 3 yrs. I have lost my way somehow. I walk in a world of hope and pain. Hope that I can get over this and that he does still love me and we can be happy. The pain in my heart is there every minute of every day!

I have put on blinders or just have chosen to play stupid in order to get by from day to day. But I realize I am not living or feeling. I fear the pain of loss, the pain of him not being my partner. I have held in my anger and hurt because when I show it, he turns cold and absent emotionally. I do not feel I have been allowed to grieve or work thru my pain. Shame on me if I question anything.

We went to counseling for about 9 months together. Now I go alone. That occurred when we were filing for bankruptcy. I asked him while we were with the lawyer if he wanted to file for divorce too, if that is what he wants. I was shocked when he said yes. So we stopped going to counseling together. But he still has not left our home or my bed. Yes, I let him stay. 

Monday is the court date to finalize our divorce. It is not what I want and i have told him this but nothing has changed. I am hanging on with every ounce of my being for a man that I think is using me. He says his relationship is over with the other woman and that he loves me, then why did he not stop the divorce even when he knows I do not want it.

Understand he does not talk to me, does not answer questions. My counselor told me that he likes it this way. He has his home, his bed, sex when he wants, and no true obligations. I can tell she is trying to tell me to stand my ground, love myself enough to do what is right for me. But I am afraid of the pain I will feel if I tell him to leave. Will I ever be happy by myself. I tell myself I have to move on and find happiness for myself because this is not happiness! I just cant seem to make that move.

I fear another broken heart. I try to reason with myself and point out the facts over and over again, but cant seem to make that step forward. He said once in the counseling session that he questioned himself as a person after cheating on me and was worried there was a remote possibility he would do it again. He does not talk about fixing our marriage, avoids anything that symbolizes possible conflict. I have told him it was our broken marriage that brought us here and we need to fix it and work on it together. Otherwise we will be right back here again. 

I question everything I do, say, how I look, act and even the sex we have; do I make him happy, is this what he dislikes about me. Life sucks right now.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You go to counseling by yourself currently right? What's your counselor tell you? You're dealing with a few issues it sounds like. It's hard for anyone to love you if you don't love yourself, no one is responsible for your happiness other than you, and you can't change another person no matter how much you want to. These are all pretty fundamental tenants of human wiring and it sounds to me like your working against all of them. Has to be exhausting. 

Respect yourself enough to tell him to get his heart in or his ass out of the marriage. So what if you're alone, would it be any worse? In case you don't know the answer is no, it would not be worse than being used which you admitted yourself that you are.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So I went back and reread my post, and I still think it's right; but I came off as heartless and unsympathetic which I'm not. 

Look I know it's hard, that your heart is about to explode out of your chest but that doesn't change the reality of the situation. The sooner you can accept the reality and then take some action to change it, the sooner it will start to get better. But until you accept the situation and then take decisive action to improve it, it won't get better, no matter how much you want it to. Taking that action can be exceedingly scary but if you want something to change you have to.


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## whereismymind (Mar 21, 2012)

Your in pain now. He is there with you and your in pain. There will not be another heart break because unfortunatly it is one very long drawout heartbreak. It sucks.


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## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> So I went back and reread my post, and I still think it's right; but I came off as heartless and unsympathetic which I'm not.
> 
> Look I know it's hard, that your heart is about to explode out of your chest but that doesn't change the reality of the situation. The sooner you can accept the reality and then take some action to change it, the sooner it will start to get better. But until you accept the situation and then take decisive action to improve it, it won't get better, no matter how much you want it to. Taking that action can be exceedingly scary but if you want something to change you have to.



Sigma 1299 you are right; there are many issues. I appreciate the honest feedback. My self esteem has never been good and I allowed the infidelity to destroy what was left. I have been working on that with the counselor. But at the same time I am afraid to be without him. 
Monday is our court hearing for the divorce; he has been informed that he will have to leave by Monday. Now I have to keep the strength to go through with my word. Stick up for myself, believe in myself that I can make it alone and I will be okay. I try to tell myself this is a chance for me to grow and not be afraid to be me; I am a good person. I love my job, I love helping people and teaching. I can do this one day at a time. Just need to find the strength to do what is right for me. What will make me happy. I know I will hurt, that is the part I dread. Not having him to hold and love. He has been my whole world; my family has been really. I do not know me and look forward to meeting the real me! I am very afraid I will fail, but I will not know until I try. The strength and courage part is hard for me. The end of my marriage is like a death to me. We had been married 27 yrs, since i was 18. Met him when I was 16. He is all I know. I am going to miss him so much, but I cannot take the pain anymore. Just wish he could have loved me like I thought he did. I believed; or maybe I lied to myself. Thank you again Sigma1299.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I met my wife when I was 17 and she 16. We also have been together ever since. I understand what you mean. It's hard to imagine a life without a person who you basically grew up with. It's tragic to be sure. Maybe he'll see the light at the eleventh hour, maybe not. Either way find the strength in you to be you and you'll be better off. Best of Luck.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Sometimes HOPE can be a demon. It can keep us hanging on longer than we should, make us wish and dream about things that will never happen, and just make us miserable. You sound so terribly unhappy my heart breaks for you.

Trying to hold on to a man that is already moving on will devour your soul. Please try to take a step back and work on yourself. You can do this. It is going to be a long haul, but they say that nothing worthwhile comes easy. Someday you will look back on this time in your life and see how much you have grown and what lessons you have learned.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Excellent advice, endlessgrief!

Heartsshattered, your husband has been cheating on you for 3 years, not one night stand, not 3 months, not 3 weeks, but 3 whole years!! And honestly, he doesn't sound remorse at all. 

I'm so glad you have given him a deadline to leave by Monday and please stick with it. Actions speak louder then words and if you don't kick him out, he will continue to use you and treats you like a crap. 

As painful as it is, get him out of your life. You can't force someone to love you, let him go! Bottom line, you deserve so much better ...because your worth it!! Always remember that!!!!!


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## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

Thank you all so much for the words of advice. I know what is the right thing to do, doing it is the hard part. Reading your posts has given me strength.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The best thing to do is to work on yourself physically. The reason is that it will make things better mentally. I lift weights. Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you can't do it. Join a gym. One reason I like to lift is because it seems easier on my joints. I also like my recumbent bike because it has a chair like seat rather than a bicycle type seat. I bike in good weather.

A good workout releases chemicals that make you feel much better mentally and physically.

Also get a new hairdo/hair color. Be bold.. Go on a diet if you need to or you may have already worried your self thin. In any case there are many things you can do to improve your self.

Shop for a new wardrobe etc. Do things you have wanted to do. Go places,new hobbies, dance classes. Some of the bigger churches have singles functions. There are really a bazillion possibilities that are better than worrying and moping around. Leave your heartless spouse in your reaview mirror. As a matter of fact you might need something sporty todrive now.

Your future happiness is 100% up to you. Take advantage of the future and don't look back at the abyss.

Good luck 

Chap


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## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

chapparal said:


> The best thing to do is to work on yourself physically. The reason is that it will make things better mentally. I lift weights. Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you can't do it. Join a gym. One reason I like to lift is because it seems easier on my joints. I also like my recumbent bike because it has a chair like seat rather than a bicycle type seat. I bike in good weather.
> 
> A good workout releases chemicals that make you feel much better mentally and physically.
> 
> ...


Thank you Chap, that is great advise! I want to be happy with me and move on. It is long overdue. The letting go is the hardest.


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