# Consolation Prize



## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

What would you do if you found out your husband was more interested in your friend when you first started dating? Could you handle knowing you were the consolation prize?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

GHaynes said:


> What would you do if you found out your husband was more interested in your friend when you first started dating? Could you handle knowing you were the consolation prize?



How do you differentiate that from a situation where the INITIAL interest/attraction may have been greater for your friend initially, but upon getting to know you further he decided that YOU were the REAL gem?

Are you still the "consolation prize" then? How do know know which scenario ("consolation prize" vs "real gem") applies?


Isn't the "real gem" storyline fodder for zillions of "chick flicks" and "Hallmark movies"? You know, where the girl initially has stars in her eyes for some flashy hot-shot dude, only to find out later he's a real jerk, and meanwhile she learns that the "real gem" is the dude who has been quietly and steadfastly supporting her all along? The girl then typically falls for the guy who has been there for her all along. 

Are you saying that "chick flicks" and "Hallmark movies" are actually just dishing up "consolation prize" films? Or can the second choice be the REAL prize, not the "consolation prize"?

Are "chick flicks" lying to us? Say it ain't so, Joe!


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

You have to think about how long that's been. Obviously he loved you enough to not pursue your friend. If he didn't he most likely wouldn't be your husband right now. I see it as him dodging a bullet and catching the right one instead!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GHaynes said:


> Could you handle knowing you were the consolation prize?


I can empathize with your position. I have been the "plan B" guy twice. 

There is a time when the relationship feels good. The love flows, you have frequent sex, you can talk and share your dreams and plans. Everything seems "right"....

However, the Hallmark movies tend to end here. They don't continue to depict the relationship farther along.... after the "used chewing gum" phenomenon has appeared......and the TRUTH becomes so self-evident as to be impossible to deny. 

Oh, yes.... you are "Mr. Right".... when it comes to your ability to provide, your servanthood, your honesty and reliability. All the reasons you were "chosen" are abundantly present and a "clear, logical" choice can be fully understood. But, also fully understood is the "plan A" aspect of the other guy who "got away".....

Here you are.....getting your bimonthly "duty" sex, and having your dreams and plans criticized, because they are seen as antithetical to "family provision", and a "waste of time" which would be better spent serving the green god.... while your wife daydreams of having sex with her "plan A" guy.....

then, "handling" it is not so all-fired easy.....it's fraught with resentment.....

I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this predicament.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

GHaynes said:


> What would you do if you found out your husband was more interested in your friend when you first started dating? Could you handle knowing you were the consolation prize?


What do you mean exactly by “more interested”.
Where did their interactions take place,was it one night in a club where he hit on her but got nowhere or was it over a period of time where he actively tried to date her but she wasn’t interested.
Sure, maybe he thought she was hot but that doesn’t mean he “settled” for you.
Or is this a recurring problem?


----------



## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> You have to think about how long that's been. Obviously he loved you enough to not pursue your friend. If he didn't he most likely wouldn't be your husband right now. I see it as him dodging a bullet and catching the right one instead!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He did pursue her. She said no.


----------



## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> What do you mean exactly by “more interested”.
> Where did their interactions take place,was it one night in a club where he hit on her but got nowhere or was it over a period of time where he actively tried to date her but she wasn’t interested.
> Sure, maybe he thought she was hot but that doesn’t mean he “settled” for you.
> Or is this a recurring problem?


Not a recurring problem. He pursued her and she shut him down so he dated me instead all the while still preferring her, flirting, bringing her flowers, etc. He actually sabotaged her marriage proposal during the whole thing. She's been out of the picture for many years though. I'm just learning what all went on under my nose. Is this something I can learn to live with?


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

GHaynes said:


> He did pursue her. She said no.




Obviously you're feeling like a consolation prize at this point, so it's him you should talk to. However, think about it this way. What if she wasn't your friend? How many other girls said no to him before he got to you? Or how many other girls did he date/go out with, who either were dumped by him or dumped him? Also, how many guys did you say no to or dump or get dumped by? Just because she was your friend it doesn't really matter. People say no, people move on to someone else. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

GHaynes said:


> Not a recurring problem. He pursued her and she shut him down so he dated me instead all the while still preferring her, flirting, bringing her flowers, etc. He actually sabotaged her marriage proposal during the whole thing. She's been out of the picture for many years though. I'm just learning what all went on under my nose. Is this something I can learn to live with?




Given this information, you also should consider if he's done this to anyone else while you've been together.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Did he pursue her after he started dating YOU?

If not, you are not plan B and are harboring resentment for no real reason. You are being irrational and pain shopping for no reason.

If so, yes, you have real reason for resentment and I can see why you'd be pissed at him. How long have you been married, again?

I reread your post. You must have known this happened BEFORE you got married? This happened when you FIRST STARTED DATING. Geez, let it go. How long HAVE you been married.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Just curious as to how you recently found this out?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AlI it was, the husband being daft. This is too much ado about nothing. But the OP feels slighted (insecure much).
If she continues with this she'll get what she wants: a divorce.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> AlI it was, the husband being daft. This is too much ado about nothing. But the OP feels slighted (insecure much).
> If she continues with this she'll get what she wants: a divorce.




This. Although I do wonder if this has happened with anyone else since they've been together. I know first hand how doubting like this can lead to a divorce. Honestly I say let it go. It happened when you were first dating. And some people don't even consider the first few weeks or so exclusive, unless it's explicitly stated. He married you, and if he wanted to be with someone else he would be.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Did he pursue her after he started dating YOU?
> 
> If not, you are not plan B and are harboring resentment for no real reason. You are being irrational and pain shopping for no reason.
> 
> ...



Given the OP's other threads, I think the issue is really that this little EA that her now-husband and then-best friend had going on lasted a while into their relationship, and was pretty in her face. The OP was very young and naive and really wanted to believe it when her guy said nothing happened, even though she felt like something maybe did. They rug swept it all and she's never been sure what really went on. Recently, they ran into the former friend and that - combined with her people-pleaser, conflict avoidant, husband's rather appalling handling of the situation - has been a huge trigger for the OP.


Honestly, OP, you need to figure out if you're just triggered by the run-in with the OW or if you've actually been feeling like your husband's second choice for your entire relationship. Some MC might help you two to work this out a bit, find some resolution, and create healthy marital boundaries that will help you feel emotionally safer with your husband. You may also need to do some work with an IC to help you learn to let go of your anger and resentment over not being his first choice and over not trusting yourself enough to demand better from your partner. Improving your self-esteem and learning to create and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself may help you a lot in deciding what - if anything - you'd like to actually do about this situation.


----------



## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> This. Although I do wonder if this has happened with anyone else since they've been together. I know first hand how doubting like this can lead to a divorce. Honestly I say let it go. It happened when you were first dating. And some people don't even consider the first few weeks or so exclusive, unless it's explicitly stated. He married you, and if he wanted to be with someone else he would be.


They were 20 years old when this happened and at the start of the relationship at that. 20 year old people do dumb things all the time and are still emotionally immature (apologies to any 20yold here). Maybe she should have broken up with him then but they've since been together and married 10 years and he's a 'great husband'. They have 2 kids and he's a great father. This OW has been out of their life now for 8 outside a chance run in. 

I sympathize with the OP really, but she's just chasing for pain and eventually divorce and ruining a good thing. Really needs counselling to uncover and address the insecurities she carries. This isn't really about her husband, as flawed as he might be for being a crappy boyfriend a long time ago.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

:surprise:

Is this the same girl from your other thread?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he tell you this recently -- after he ran into her again -- or did someone else tell you?

Are you really asking if he still cares about her?


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Initially, I would probably be a little hurt and surprised, but then I'd also try to remember that he chose me over and above anyone else.

How long have y'all been married?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GHaynes said:


> Is this something I can learn to live with?


Yes, of course. People learn to live with concentration camps, terminal disease, loss of children and parents to death, etc. Many of life's occurrences are far worse than being "plan B".....however, it is an extremely disappointing state to find oneself in. To be sure, it is hurtful, and not at all desirable ---- it really somewhat depends on whether you have good reason for "learning".....or, not......


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> AlI it was, the husband being daft. This is too much ado about nothing. But the OP feels slighted (insecure much).
> If she continues with this she'll get what she wants: a divorce.


I'm sure you'd tell a man who found out his wife initially wanted his buddy the same thing....right?


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sounds like he still pursued her and brought her flowers even after these two were dating.

Horrible.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Initially, I would probably be a little hurt and surprised, but then I'd also try to remember that he chose me over and above anyone else.
> 
> How long have y'all been married?


The problem is it seems it wasn't a voluntary choice though. It sounds like he only "chose" her because his first choice wasn't an option. Is that really "choosing her above all others?' I don't think so. He had made a different choice, but was prevented from acting on that choice. 

The real question is, what are his feelings now? Has he grown into someone totally devote to his wife or not? Does he still pine for another?


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The problem is it seems it wasn't a voluntary choice though. It sounds like he only "chose" her because his first choice wasn't an option. Is that really "choosing her above all others?' I don't think so. He had made a different choice, but was prevented from acting on that choice.
> 
> The real question is, what are his feelings now? Has he grown into someone totally devote to his wife or not? Does he still pine for another?


Yup, I agree, and had written that initial reply before reading further into the thread and situation.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Is that really "choosing her above all others?' I don't think so.


I don't think so, either. It truly sucks for @GHaynes - I also think that "totally devoted now" is irrelevant. The fact is, he was not even in the slightest way "devoted" in the beginning.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hasn’t everyone ask someone out and been told “no, not interested”?

I believe you are over analyzing this.


----------



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

It would depend on the relationship. U may be the consolation prize or you may be the gold he had to dig for. Good luck


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think for people to understand this they need the information from your other thread. Huge.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Hasn’t everyone ask someone out and been told “no, not interested”?
> 
> I believe you are over analyzing this.



That would be totally true, if that's what had happened. It's not. The OP's then-boyfriend and the friend were talking, flirting, sharing inside jokes, he was buying her flowers, and they also apparently kissed (just playing) at one point. And during all of that, he was in a relationship with the OP. And he was aware that the OP was uncomfortable with his blatant flirtation with the friend. 

The real problem is that the OP allowed her concerns to be shushed, because she was 20 and trusting and naive and maybe a little unwilling to fail at the relationship. So she allowed them to rugsweep the entire thing. Now that the OW resurfaced and her husband bungled handling that chance meeting, it's all been brought back to the surface. 

Honestly, this situation is a great example of why rugsweeping never works. The yucky bits always rise back to the surface eventually.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I think for people to understand this they need the information from your other thread. Huge.



Well, if she only specifically wants it to apply to her situation, that would indeed be true, I suspect. In that case, however, shouldn't this still be part of that thread?

I assume if she is making a whole new thread about this, then the OP is asking a question in general, for the population as a whole. In such a case, you SHOULDN'T refer to her other thread, because it would then no longer be a question for the general population.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

In his shoes, I would be highly annoyed by all of this. At 20 years old, you are quite a different person. How devoted to you has he been throughout your marriage? is the question you should be asking yourself in this time where you feel hurt by his actions in your dating phase.

I understand you are hurt. However, is losing your marriage what you really want? Is there anything else going on now that is making you question everything? 

If you know he has been devoted to you throughout marriage. If there is really nothing else going on with you or him besides this issue. If this hadn't have come up so recently, would you be perfectly happy in your marriage? If yes, then my question is, are you prepared to lose your husband over this issue? That is the road you are currently traveling. There's plenty of turn arounds ahead on this road, but at some point they wont be there anymore.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> In his shoes, I would be highly annoyed by all of this. At 20 years old, you are quite a different person. How devoted to you has he been throughout your marriage? is the question you should be asking yourself in this time where you feel hurt by his actions in your dating phase.
> 
> I understand you are hurt. However, is losing your marriage what you really want? Is there anything else going on now that is making you question everything?
> 
> If you know he has been devoted to you throughout marriage. If there is really nothing else going on with you or him besides this issue. If this hadn't have come up so recently, would you be perfectly happy in your marriage? If yes, then my question is, are you prepared to lose your husband over this issue? That is the road you are currently traveling. There's plenty of turn arounds ahead on this road, but at some point they wont be there anymore.



seems like the OP has gone dormant, but I agree with the above.....I would be highly annoyed.

Here is the thing...…. OP I hope you are open to hearing this but it won't be pleasant.

the OP feels "second best, consolation prize, settled for etc"...…..but what are we really talking about here? I want to point out a couple of things.

First, this wasn't an admission from her husband. the OP found out through the gossip grapevine. That doesn't make it stone cold fact. Its a deluded opinion passed around and then taken hook line and sinker by the OP.

second, the OP totally discounts, by her own admission, that he has been a "good husband". But apparently what happened TEN years ago, while dating, makes his behaviors and treatment of her irrelevant.

third.....they were 20 years old when this happened. even if the "rumor" is somewhat true....at 20 years old we are very immature and make a lot of mistakes.

OP...you need to GET OVER THIS. your posts have the flavor of someone just looking to create drama, stomp around and pout over something that makes you a "victim" all the while sabotaging your relationship.

my suggestion is to get into serious counseling now and get this ridiculous notion out of your head. all this does is build disdain and resentment for your husband and your relationship as you look through jaded rose colored glasses how much better and happy everyone else is. its a relationship death spiral and you are deep in it.

good luck I hope some of this makes sense.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Well not only do you create more resentment in yourself by brooding over this, you will create resentment in your husband as well. If he has been a wonderful husband to you throughout your marriage, and you hold his feet to the fire for what he was a decade ago, before he married you, he soon will start to resent you for this current destructive course you have taken in your relationship. 

What is going to happen is he is going to look at all the sacrifices, choices, actions, and decisions he has made for you throughout your marriage. He will look at all he has done for you, because of his love for you, and realize slowly as you continue to brood over this, that none of it matters to you. You are hung up on something from his distant past so fiercely, that nothing he has ever said or done sense matters to you. Which will ultimately make him equally resentful in this relationship. That is where this marriage is currently headed. By your own doing OP, not his. 

Is this really the battle you are choosing to end your marriage over? I can't help but question that there isn't another issue that is secretly at play here.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Rowan said:


> That would be totally true, if that's what had happened. It's not. The OP's then-boyfriend and the friend were talking, flirting, sharing inside jokes, he was buying her flowers, and they also apparently kissed (just playing) at one point. And during all of that, he was in a relationship with the OP. And he was aware that the OP was uncomfortable with his blatant flirtation with the friend.
> 
> The real problem is that the OP allowed her concerns to be shushed, because she was 20 and trusting and naive and maybe a little unwilling to fail at the relationship. So she allowed them to rugsweep the entire thing. Now that the OW resurfaced and her husband bungled handling that chance meeting, it's all been brought back to the surface.
> 
> Honestly, this situation is a great example of why rugsweeping never works. The yucky bits always rise back to the surface eventually.


Am I wrong or was OP talking about before her and her husband got together.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Am I wrong or was OP talking about before her and her husband got together.


The OP has another thread, posted before this one. Her husband and the friend were carrying on a good bit of shady stuff _while_ the OP and her husband were in a supposedly-exclusive dating relationship. Basically, the OP feels like she was cheated on when they were dating, but it was rugswept, the other woman left their lives, they later married and have been married for years.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Rowan said:


> The OP has another thread, posted before this one. Her husband and the friend were carrying on a good bit of shady stuff _while_ the OP and her husband were in a supposedly-exclusive dating relationship. Basically, the OP feels like she was cheated on when they were dating, but it was rugswept, the other woman left their lives, they later married and have been married for years.


rugswept. that's on the OP. but now ten years later.....its the end of the world? and why? because he ran into the other person by chance and was cordial?

its been asked by others if there are deeper problems (im beginning to suspect that) but the OP has checked out.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Rowan said:


> The OP has another thread, posted before this one. Her husband and the friend were carrying on a good bit of shady stuff _while_ the OP and her husband were in a supposedly-exclusive dating relationship. Basically, the OP feels like she was cheated on when they were dating, but it was rugswept, the other woman left their lives, they later married and have been married for years.


The she kissed him, then a year later he kissed/groped her. This happened I think ten years ago. Op says she had an EA after that. 

I thought she was saying that her husband tried to date her friend before her. That the friend said no then he started dating OP while still seeing if the friend changed her mind. I didn’t know when they went exclusive. I have only dated one girl at a time. From what I hear now is that isn’t the case anymore. Unless you have the exclusive talk you can date how ever many people you want now. 

Question is was the relationship exclusive at the time all of this was going on? Obviously the asking the friend out first wasn’t, but what followed.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> I'm sure you'd tell a man who found out his wife initially wanted his buddy the same thing....right?


 Just can't help yourself, can you?
This thread ISN'T about a man who found out his wife initially wanted his buddy... so why always bring up this gender reversal crap? If you really need to push some feminist, misandry theme incessantly and feel abused by the male gender then perhaps see if the mods will give you your own misandry subforum. Maybe call it the "She woman man haters club" ala Little Rascals.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I'm sure you'd tell a man who found out his wife initially wanted his buddy the same thing....right?
> ...


Thank you for this. It's been a long day and I needed to laugh.

If you knew me at all, knew how I love and respect the males in my life, and knew how traditional, conservative, and NOT a modern feminist I am....

Well, like I said, it was a great laugh. My husband got a kick out of it too. Oh, and I'd advise against assuming he's beta...


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Thank you for this. It's been a long day and I needed to laugh.
> 
> If you knew me at all, knew how I love and respect the males in my life, and knew how traditional, conservative, and NOT a modern feminist I am....
> 
> Well, like I said, it was a great laugh. My husband got a kick out of it too. Oh, and I'd advise against assuming he's beta...


 To be such the antithesis of you, you sure do it every chance you get. If it's so different than your outlook, why do you do it constantly?



> Oh, and I'd advise against assuming he's beta...


 I bet if he was a woman you wouldn't say that.


----------

