# The Non-Communicator



## Bella_Boo

How do you communicate with a non-communicator? At times when there are issues, I want to talk through it, but my husband refuses to speak. He just sits there and listens but will not say a word, which infuriates me more. I've begged and pleaded with him to just speak and communicate, but he is just the type who is not a talker, and especially does not like to talk about his feelings. It does seem that when there is an issue or I am mad, he prefers that I just leave him alone for a day or two. I really hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only way to get past an issue or argument.


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## that_girl

I have asked Hubs to write it out.

We have had some of the best conversations while working in the yard together.

Sometimes I tell him what's on my mind and that I'd like to talk about it later. That gives him time to think about what he feels. It seems to help.


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## GreenEyes

In my case I found that he seemed to talk more and open up the more I acted like I didn't care and didn't want to talk...Not saying it will work in your case, but you could give it a shot. I didn't make it a show of "I don't care" either, I just said Ok, or something like that, and walked away, of course after a certain point I really didn't care anymore so there was no acting involved. Point of the story, he talks more now than he used to....


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## Bella_Boo

Thank you both for the tips. I am new to this site and I think it is going to be very helpful. And GreenEyes, I have kind of noticed that when I act like I don't care and don't want to talk, he does open up more. It's like the more I push to talk, the more he ignores me.


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## GreenEyes

Bella_Boo said:


> Thank you both for the tips. I am new to this site and I think it is going to be very helpful. And GreenEyes, I have kind of noticed that when I act like I don't care and don't want to talk, he does open up more. It's like the more I push to talk, the more he ignores me.


Yup sounds like your H and mine are the same type of person. It's like they don't want to be told what they should do, and I think to an extent it makes them feel more secure when they leave us hanging with something they see we are wanting so badly.


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## chillymorn

Bella_Boo said:


> How do you communicate with a non-communicator? At times when there are issues, I want to talk through it, but my husband refuses to speak. He just sits there and listens but will not say a word, which infuriates me more. I've begged and pleaded with him to just speak and communicate, but he is just the type who is not a talker, and especially does not like to talk about his feelings. It does seem that when there is an issue or I am mad, he prefers that I just leave him alone for a day or two. I really hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only way to get past an issue or argument.


A 2x4 might do the trick.

sometime I clam up if I've already told her many times and she just dosn't hear it she will do something that she thinks will help but not the thing i told her would help.

my wife like to do things for me when I'm angey at her. like look I cut the grass for ya. or hey I got you a case of beer, or I raked the leaves. none of that stuff I asked her to do and most times its not up to snuff. but if I said listen baby I love you with all my heart but cutting the grass for me is not an apology and besides you just break the tractor everytime you use it. so I'd rather you just keep the f of it.

that would go over like a lead balloon so i say nothing.

so maybe he has comunicated with you and you refuse to hear it.so now hes in shut down mode...whats the use you will just keep doing what you think is going to fix the problem.


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## I'mAllIn

My husband and I have a real problem communicating at times because he prefers to avoid confrontation at all cost. We recently went through a really rough time and had no choice but to do a lot of talking, and I think he finally sees that I see "avoiding confrontation" as not caring enough to work on our issues. It had to get pretty bad for him to see that though.


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## Jellybeans

Is this a new issue with your husband or is it old?

What does he say when you tell him how this makes you feel?

I was married to a master sulker so this issue hits very close to me. I don't envy you


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## Bella_Boo

It's always been this way. There are rare occassions when he will communicate. When I tell him how it makes me feel, he just says that I need to leave it alone and give us each time to cool down rather than me wanting to talk about things immediately. However, after a cool down period, he wants to just act like nothing happened rather than discuss the issue. Also, when he does talk, he's always just very defensive.


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## Jellybeans

Marriage counselling?

If you guys don't find a way to work through this, you will start building resentment. Then after resentment goes a loss of respect and then the major problems start.


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## that_girl

If I give my husband wine, he will talk my ear off LOL!


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## GreenEyes

Bella_Boo said:


> It's always been this way. There are rare occassions when he will communicate. When I tell him how it makes me feel, he just says that I need to leave it alone and give us each time to cool down rather than me wanting to talk about things immediately. However, after a cool down period, he wants to just act like nothing happened rather than discuss the issue. Also, when he does talk, he's always just very defensive.


Same here, and I tried to explain to him that ignoring the problem and acting like it never happened does not make it go away. They don't understand that if you don't address the problem it just comes back, and usually worse each time. Since I haven't been pushing my husband to talk to me, and we have talked more often when there is a problem, the problems are becoming less and less, gee could we have been right all along??? haha


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## DailyGrind

Jellybeans said:


> Marriage counselling?
> 
> If you guys don't find a way to work through this, you will start building resentment. Then after resentment goes a loss of respect and then the major problems start.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

My wife is this way. I used to think she was cool, cause it seemed nothing bothered her. But, now...I realize she just internalizes everything. She never wanted to talk about issues. Did the same thing the OP describes...sits there, looking down at the floor...never saying a word. I would always wind up walking away in dismay. I'm the complete opposite....I NEED to discuss things. If you don't nip this in the bud.....you will wind up where I am now. I agree with the idea of trying to write letters. Hopefully he will respond. Good luck! MC is also a VERY good idea.


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## tacoma

This is an issue I have no answer to.

I`m living it myself.


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## ku1980rose

Jellybeans said:


> Marriage counselling?
> 
> If you guys don't find a way to work through this, you will start building resentment. Then after resentment goes a loss of respect and then the major problems start.


:iagree:


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## CantePe

When you figure out the secret to this let me know because husband is like this too and it drives me bat poo coo coo.

I'm a talker, he's not.


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## Bella_Boo

DailyGrind said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> My wife is this way. I used to think she was cool, cause it seemed nothing bothered her. But, now...I realize she just internalizes everything. She never wanted to talk about issues. Did the same thing the OP describes...sits there, looking down at the floor...never saying a word. I would always wind up walking away in dismay. I'm the complete opposite....I NEED to discuss things. If you don't nip this in the bud.....you will wind up where I am now. I agree with the idea of trying to write letters. Hopefully he will respond. Good luck! MC is also a VERY good idea.


Yes, that is me-- I NEED to discuss things!!


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## charlene

GreenEyes said:


> Same here, and I tried to explain to him that ignoring the problem and acting like it never happened does not make it go away. They don't understand that if you don't address the problem it just comes back, and usually worse each time.


:iagree:
So true,
I'm joining the club of the non communicator's wives with no advise to give...


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## DailyGrind

charlene said:


> :iagree:
> So true,
> I'm joining the club of the non communicator's wives with no advise to give...


HEY!! It's not just wives. I'm the H....my W is the non communicator. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes

charlene said:


> I'm joining the club of the non communicator's wives with no advise to give...


That's ok I don't have that much advice either, all I can do is relate my experience with it, which may not necessarily be the right way to handle it haha Different things work for different people.


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## Mrs1980

Me too..Except my H has taken his avoidance to an all new level. We've gone through a lot in the last year..so now when an argument or even discussion starts about something not happy he goes for a walk. It doesn't matter that its 12am and it's 15 degrees out. It doesn't matter if he has been drinking or sick. And he's not walking around the block-He goes really far on our unlighted bike trail which is next to a river. I have expressed my concern for his safety over and over again but alas his need to get away from the confrontation outweighs common sense 

H just told me a couple weeks ago that not only he won't talk to me about his feelings, our problems, ect H now does not want me to talk to him all the time about my problems b/c I am so negative and bring him down. Why are we married?

When we were friends and then dating we talked for hours about anything and everything. I don't think we'll get that back ever


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## DailyGrind

Well...talk about avoidance...here's the letter I left for my wife yesterday morning: My Last Attempt Letter

I know she read it. She came home, last night....ate the meal I made, sat on the sofa with the girls...then went to bed. Spoke to me a half dozen times about kids stuff. NEVER said a word about the letter. She avoids ANYTHING about the relationship, issues, feelings, wants/needs, etc. I've been dealing with this the entire marriage. Wish I'd found a solution to it years ago....we might be happy right now. Instead....I have to look waaaaaay up....just to see Hell.


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## GreenEyes

Mrs1980 said:


> H just told me a couple weeks ago that not only he won't talk to me about his feelings, our problems, ect H now does not want me to talk to him all the time about my problems b/c I am so negative and bring him down. Why are we married?
> 
> When we were friends and then dating we talked for hours about anything and everything. I don't think we'll get that back ever


Because when you were friends and just dating there were no real big life problems for you guys to face together. If there was a problem it was something light. When the relationship grows and turns into a lifelong commitment with finances and kids and work thrown in the mix it gets too complicated. They believe that by sweeping it under the rug it's gone, and since they can do that and forget about it, why can't we? That's how they work, but it's frustrating that they can't see that is not how we work. I have told my H that I will meet him halfway with the communication thing if he will meet me, but he didn't want to do it, it's like it's their way or no way (He has since changed and now he does try to meet me halfway and our relationship is growing so much).


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## GreenEyes

DailyGrind said:


> Well...talk about avoidance...here's the letter I left for my wife yesterday morning: My Last Attempt Letter
> 
> I know she read it. She came home, last night....ate the meal I made, sat on the sofa with the girls...then went to bed. Spoke to me a half dozen times about kids stuff. NEVER said a word about the letter. She avoids ANYTHING about the relationship, issues, feelings, wants/needs, etc. I've been dealing with this the entire marriage. Wish I'd found a solution to it years ago....we might be happy right now. Instead....I have to look waaaaaay up....just to see Hell.


I think it's awesome that you wrote that to her, just a shame that she can't see what she has and what she will be losing. But sometimes it takes action for them to see how serious you are and evaluate how life will be without you...


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## katc

I have a non-communicative hubby as well.

I give up. Can't be bothered wasting my time and energy on him.

We pretty much communicate via e-mail. If my questions didn't piss him off, I'll get a reply. If something put him on the defensive or it was something he didn't care to discuss - I won't get an answer.

I NEVER know his plans, and quite frankly, don't care now. 

We live as friends - "domestic partnership". Separate rooms, separate money, basically separate lives - now ... if he'd just leave, all would be wonderful.


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## GreenEyes

katc said:


> I have a non-communicative hubby as well.
> 
> I give up. Can't be bothered wasting my time and energy on him.
> 
> We pretty much communicate via e-mail. If my questions didn't piss him off, I'll get a reply. If something put him on the defensive or it was something he didn't care to discuss - I won't get an answer.
> 
> I NEVER know his plans, and quite frankly, don't care now.
> 
> We live as friends - "domestic partnership". Separate rooms, separate money, basically separate lives - now ... if he'd just leave, all would be wonderful.


Wouldn't you love to get in their heads and see what makes them think this way? I can't imagine that they are truly happy inside with how things are either.....


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## katc

Not a way I would want to live.

I need to communicate.


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## GreenEyes

Oh I do too, just sometimes I wonder what truly makes them tick? How are they justifying with themselves that this is the way to handle the situations, when years of research and studies prove otherwise?..Just curious


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## gonefishin

Bella Boo

As a guy, I want to give you my opinion on your non communicator.

I am the type of guy who can talk to anyone anytime 24/7. However, when I am mad I clam up and sometimes it takes me a couple days to settle down. I clam up because I do not want to say something to my wife I will regret. It is the heat of the momment type of thing.

On the flip side. If my wife is mad and looses her cool with me I also clam up. Knowing I may say something to piss her off more. I let her cool down for a day sometimes two and approach me.

At this point she will say. "if I do not start talking we will never talk" Then I start talking. 

My point is: If it takes your husband a couple days to come around and start talking so what. These two extra days gives you a chance to think things through.

Look at the big picture. Is your husband abusive, does he help you around the house, is he a good dad.

Sometimes we take these little quirks our spouses have and we magnify them into huge problems. I am just as quilty.


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## GreenEyes

gonefishin said:


> Bella Boo
> My point is: If it takes your husband a couple days to come around and start talking so what. These two extra days gives you a chance to think things through.
> 
> Look at the big picture. Is your husband abusive, does he help you around the house, is he a good dad.
> 
> Sometimes we take these little quirks our spouses have and we magnify them into huge problems. I am just as quilty.


I think her point is, is that he never gets around to talking about it....he takes that cool down period and then doesn't want to bring that situation back up to talk about it, so it goes unresolved...


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## katc

My hubby NEVER talks.

Mad or not, I'd never know - he may as well be mute. Seriously.

He claims he was in his prior marriage for 6 years with a woman who didn't communicate so he's used to it. I don't buy that crap - he's been with me for 6 years - people change.

I could care less if he talks - I'm really not interested in anything he has to say anyway.

We've been trying to resolve a "money issue" since 2008 - because he won't talk about it, it will never get resolved. I keep bringing it up and it hits a dead end. It's been 3 years of this shi* - never resolving anything!

He left this morning to go to his parents to celebrate Christmas with them - I thought he was supposed to go yesterday. So said he, and so said the calender and so said his father who called yesterday to see where he was. Seems HE decided to go today and not tell anyone.

I recall a Saturday morning he got all dressed up in a suit and when I said "where are you going" he said "Uh, to Todd's wedding, you coming?" Needless to say, he went alone.


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## GreenEyes

katc said:


> My hubby NEVER talks.
> 
> Mad or not, I'd never know - he may as well be mute. Seriously.
> 
> He claims he was in his prior marriage for 6 years with a woman who didn't communicate so he's used to it. I don't buy that crap - he's been with me for 6 years - people change.
> 
> I could care less if he talks - I'm really not interested in anything he has to say anyway.


Have you guys tried MC, would he try MC?? I know when me and my H were having the same problem he said no way to MC...Idk it just sucks to see people miserable in their lives because of a SO, that's not what love and marriage is supposed to be like


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## katc

GreenEyes - we've tried it but I'm so done with this it's not worth it.

I feel sorry for myself that I have never and likely will never experience a great marriage. My siblings have been married forever, my parents forever - certainly not without struggles but they still care for one another - sadly, I care very little for my hubby. I care for him as a human being, but I do not love him whatsoever.

Sad eh?


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## GreenEyes

katc said:


> GreenEyes - we've tried it but I'm so done with this it's not worth it.
> 
> I feel sorry for myself that I have never and likely will never experience a great marriage. My siblings have been married forever, my parents forever - certainly not without struggles but they still care for one another - sadly, I care very little for my hubby. I care for him as a human being, but I do not love him whatsoever.
> 
> Sad eh?


It is  Is divorce not an option for you? Because I know going through a divorce and having to learn to live on your own financially, although that may not be a problem in your case, would be hard, but if you know things with your H will not get better, you could at least have a chance at finding somebody that will make you happy....


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## katc

I have only recently married for the first time (later in life). I just turned 50. (I failed to listen to my gut).

I am used to being on my own as I was for 46 years. That's doesn't scare me. I don't WANT to be alone going into old age, but so be it. I have family, I have a son.

Financially we can't afford to divorce - he'd be homeless and I'd be close to it. It's a very long story, one I need to seek financial advise on. Suffice it to say it was my investment in this home - and we argue over it continually and it never gets resolved.

We live as "friends", and it's tolerable - he's younger than I and deserves to be in a healthy relationship. I could care less about that for me as I don't desire intimacy.

It's odd.


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## GreenEyes

katc said:


> I have only recently married for the first time (later in life). I just turned 50. (I failed to listen to my gut).
> 
> I am used to being on my own as I was for 46 years. That's doesn't scare me. I don't WANT to be alone going into old age, but so be it. I have family, I have a son.
> 
> Financially we can't afford to divorce - he'd be homeless and I'd be close to it. It's a very long story, one I need to seek financial advise on. Suffice it to say it was my investment in this home - and we argue over it continually and it never gets resolved.
> 
> We live as "friends", and it's tolerable - he's younger than I and deserves to be in a healthy relationship. I could care less about that for me as I don't desire intimacy.
> 
> It's odd.


Hopefully after you talk to a financial adviser you can maybe get everything straightened out over some time so that you can both live independent of each other. In the meantime if it's working for you at least it's not horribly miserable.


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## Bella_Boo

Mrs1980 said:


> Me too..Except my H has taken his avoidance to an all new level. We've gone through a lot in the last year..so now when an argument or even discussion starts about something not happy he goes for a walk. It doesn't matter that its 12am and it's 15 degrees out. It doesn't matter if he has been drinking or sick. And he's not walking around the block-He goes really far on our unlighted bike trail which is next to a river. I have expressed my concern for his safety over and over again but alas his need to get away from the confrontation outweighs common sense
> 
> H just told me a couple weeks ago that not only he won't talk to me about his feelings, our problems, ect H now does not want me to talk to him all the time about my problems b/c I am so negative and bring him down. Why are we married?
> 
> When we were friends and then dating we talked for hours about anything and everything. I don't think we'll get that back ever


 I remember too when my husband and I first started dating and he ran up his phone bill to a ridiculous amount, just from our 3 hour phone conversations every night....


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## Bella_Boo

gonefishin said:


> Bella Boo
> 
> As a guy, I want to give you my opinion on your non communicator.
> 
> I am the type of guy who can talk to anyone anytime 24/7. However, when I am mad I clam up and sometimes it takes me a couple days to settle down. I clam up because I do not want to say something to my wife I will regret. It is the heat of the momment type of thing.
> 
> On the flip side. If my wife is mad and looses her cool with me I also clam up. Knowing I may say something to piss her off more. I let her cool down for a day sometimes two and approach me.
> 
> At this point she will say. "if I do not start talking we will never talk" Then I start talking.
> 
> My point is: If it takes your husband a couple days to come around and start talking so what. These two extra days gives you a chance to think things through.
> 
> Look at the big picture. Is your husband abusive, does he help you around the house, is he a good dad.
> 
> Sometimes we take these little quirks our spouses have and we magnify them into huge problems. I am just as quilty.


You are absolutely right. He does like to have those 2 days to "cool down," I guess if he needs to work on communication, in that same sense I need to work on patience. And he is a good man, he is not abusive, he's a great father to our 2 children. I just wish for more communication, and there is not much attention/affection these days, so I tend to feel a little neglected. Thank you for your comment!


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## Jellybeans

How long have you been married, Kat?


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## katc

Jellybeans, I have been married for 3 years.

Got married for the first time at age 46.


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## Jellybeans

Kat--I apologize to you--In another thread you posted in I thought YOU were the incommunicado spouse not the other way around.

I get some of these threads confused.

3 years in and he's already doing this passive BS...ugh I feel for you.

Have you suggested marriage counselling? How long will he go w/o talking to you?


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## katc

Jellybeans - we speak, but have never had a good conversation without him getting pissed off or reading more into the conversation than what is there.

He asked last nite if I wanted to order in pizza for dinner, I said I wasn't bothered, didn't care one way or another what we ate and he says "fuc*, I was just asking - jeez". I said it in a normal tone of voice, meant nothing other than the fact that I didn't have a preference as to what we had for dinner.

Drives me mad


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## DailyGrind

katc said:


> Jellybeans - we speak, but have never had a good conversation without him getting pissed off or reading more into the conversation than what is there.
> 
> He asked last nite if I wanted to order in pizza for dinner, I said I wasn't bothered, didn't care one way or another what we ate and he says "fuc*, I was just asking - jeez". I said it in a normal tone of voice, meant nothing other than the fact that I didn't have a preference as to what we had for dinner.
> 
> Drives me mad


Kat...I hate to say this...but I think I'd be bothered if my SO said "I wasn't bothered, didn't care one way or another what we ate". I don't know the tone that was used...but total indifference can come across as cold, with the wrong tone. I may be missing something....but I dont' see his response as awful. I may be flamed for saying this. You also say you've been by yourself for 46 years. Does that have anything to do with how you guys communicate? Please don't get angry over my questions, but I could see how a completely independent attitude might slant the way two people interact. Just thinking out loud here.


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## GreenEyes

katc said:


> Jellybeans - we speak, but have never had a good conversation without him getting pissed off or reading more into the conversation than what is there.
> 
> He asked last nite if I wanted to order in pizza for dinner, I said I wasn't bothered, didn't care one way or another what we ate and he says "fuc*, I was just asking - jeez". I said it in a normal tone of voice, meant nothing other than the fact that I didn't have a preference as to what we had for dinner.
> 
> Drives me mad


That can come across bad to the recipient even if you said it normally...if you don't mind what you guys have for dinner and he suggests something, just try maybe saying sure that sounds good....or something along those lines. I'm just saying because if my H would ask me the same question or vice versa and that was the response from either one of us, I think we may take it wrong too....


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## FirstYearDown

My husband has _severe _difficulty communicating. His social skills are atrocious and sometimes hubby won't even look new people in the eye.

I told him that while I accept his introversion, it doesn't make sense to live with someone who cannot even make conversation. After all, humans need some form of verbal exchange is they are in a relationship. 

So when I want to discuss something important with my husband, I ask him a lot of questions. He is more comfortable with communicating by answering whatever I ask. Open ended questions result in the most through answers, as opposed to yes or no. 

Your husband is behaving as though he lives alone. Marriage counseling would be a good first step.


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## gonefishin

Katc

Why did you marry your husband? How long did you date before you were married? Did you marry young?

Here is my suggestion. Everything you do in life is a choice. You can choice to be happy or sad. Make a decision to be happy and give your marriage 100%.

Ingnore your husbands negitives and focus on the positives. He must have some positive characteristics. You should also take an iventory of yourself. Remember everthing in life is a choice. If you are walking around negitive 24/7 no one will want to talk to you.


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## gonefishin

Katc

You got married late in life. Very interesting. One would think that two middle aged and newly married would not have these communication struggles.

First marriage for husband as well?


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## Runs like Dog

Instead of asking him to talk to you like a chatty girl ask him a fairly simple and direct question as an opener. You're complaining he doesn't communicate but what you mean is he doesn't communicate like YOU.


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## Bella_Boo

Runs like Dog said:


> Instead of asking him to talk to you like a chatty girl ask him a fairly simple and direct question as an opener. You're complaining he doesn't communicate but what you mean is he doesn't communicate like YOU.


I've tried many different ways, as I know he isn't a "chatty" person like myself. I've tried asking open ended questions, the just yes or no questions, the "ask a question and don't say anything else till you get some type of answer" method, etc.


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## Ten_year_hubby

In the book "Boundaries in Marriage", Drs Cloud and Townsend state the the ability to share personal feelings with a partner is a maturity characteristic required to be able to enter an intimate relationship as an adult.

I infer from their work that the lack of ability to communicate is an immaturity on the same level as (dis)honesty of (ir)responsibility since these characteristics are also on the list. I also infer that a relationship in which one partner can/does not act in a mature fashion will always be unbalanced. This may be OK for some couples but it can create serious conflict when the partners intellectually consider themselves equals but behave unequally on the emotional maturity level.

I have this problem with my wife and it is probably the biggest thing working against us right now. I don't even want to get into how much trouble it has caused. However, for my part, I have doubled my efforts and communicate much more clearly and frequently despite the complete lack of response. Sometimes I point out that saying nothing in a situation where one needs to make their feelings known can lead to the other person assuming the worst but that still doesn't get her to speak.


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## Runs like Dog

Bella_Boo said:


> I've tried many different ways, as I know he isn't a "chatty" person like myself. I've tried asking open ended questions, the just yes or no questions, the "ask a question and don't say anything else till you get some type of answer" method, etc.


nope. no open ended questions - only direct questions.


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## Yardman

that_girl said:


> If I give my husband wine, he will talk my ear off LOL!


Same works for me with my spouse. Gotta wait until it takes effect though.


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## Yardman

I'm not a chatty person. More of the strong silient type, but if someone talks about a VACI (Vital Active Consuming Interest) I'll go rambling on. I dislike the "20 questions" type of convo style, and detest being consistantly interupted.


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## abandonedcompletely

My husband is the same way. It's like talking to a stone wall. I get nothing, no expression, no comment, just nothing.

This isn't the only problem, but this is the one that's infuriating. If he does say anything it's "I don't know".

Me, I'm very open, I know how I feel and why. I just hate not being able to address any problem because he will not speak or open up. He's the same way with all his family members. Sadly, he kept it under wraps while dating, but right after the wedding, it stopped.

We were separated for 2 years and got back together a year ago, but nothing has changed. It's actually worse. I'm not putting up with it much longer. But like I said, this isn't our only issue, but it's hard working on the others if there is no communication at all. He'd prefer to have everything swept under the rug and go on as if nothing is wrong.


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## charlene

DailyGrind said:


> HEY!! It's not just wives. I'm the H....my W is the non communicator.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry bro ,join the club, Happy new year!


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## bellamaxjoy

I'mAllIn said:


> My husband and I have a real problem communicating at times because he prefers to avoid confrontation at all cost. We recently went through a really rough time and had no choice but to do a lot of talking, and I think he finally sees that I see "avoiding confrontation" as not caring enough to work on our issues. It had to get pretty bad for him to see that though.


I had to look and see if I wrote this, as this is us! We are working hard on it though. I was feeling bad the other night, (too long of a story) and in an effort to communicate better, I just talked about what was bothering me, and my h said, I feel like you are attacking me, well I told him that I had to be able to tell him what was wrong, and that I was in no way attacking. He said he needs to start seeing it that way, instead of getting instantly defensive. A never ending battle is what it is~


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## VermisciousKnid

GreenEyes said:


> That can come across bad to the recipient even if you said it normally...if you don't mind what you guys have for dinner and he suggests something, just try maybe saying sure that sounds good....or something along those lines. I'm just saying because if my H would ask me the same question or vice versa and that was the response from either one of us, I think we may take it wrong too....


:iagree:

"I don't care," can be synonymous with, "Leave me alone. Go away. I don't want to talk to you." DEPENDING on how it was delivered. If my wife looked me in the eye, thought for a moment, and said, 'I don't care, you decide," then no problem. If she said it with disinterest, I wouldn't take it as well. It's a matter of paying attention as much as anything else. 

Are you sure you said it with normal affect? I can always tell when my wife is angry/upset even though she swears no one can tell. Drives her nuts. Her sister will walk in to the room and say to her, "What's wrong?" and she'll get angry and insist that everything is fine. But it just comes through her face, her body language, and her tone. Then later on you find out that she is angry/upset about something. She doesn't realize how much it affects her. She has four siblings who always debate whether they should give her bad family news because of how she takes it. Her reactions always seem to include some form of denial.


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## Ten_year_hubby

bellamaxjoy said:


> I had to look and see if I wrote this, as this is us! We are working hard on it though. I was feeling bad the other night, (too long of a story) and in an effort to communicate better, I just talked about what was bothering me, and my h said, I feel like you are attacking me, well I told him that I had to be able to tell him what was wrong, and that I was in no way attacking. He said he needs to start seeing it that way, instead of getting instantly defensive. A never ending battle is what it is~


Are you using any specific verbal techniques to help avoid his feelings of being attacked? I have this problem myself when my wife tells me what a terrible person I am


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## lovemybabies

I'm so glad I came across this. I avoid confrontation because of the reaction I get. I've been anxious for days because I want to tell my H that I'm seeing a therapist because I'm going crazy pretending all is ok. It's been years like this and the reaction i get is crying, vomiting, passive agressiveness and anger. By the end of it I'M the one apologizing!!!

Ive been looking all over for a boost to stop being scared to say how I feel.

He knows I have a hard time bringing it up and I know he NEVER will soooo....dooooomed.


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## bellamaxjoy

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Are you using any specific verbal techniques to help avoid his feelings of being attacked? I have this problem myself when my wife tells me what a terrible person I am


I am trying to say, "I" not you. I feel this way, or this makes me feel this way, how do you feel. For him to even say he is feeling attacked was a GOOD thing, he is finally telling me his feelings. If I dont know what is going on in his mind, I cant fix it. Now that I know he interperts it that way, I will be much more careful to make him not feel that way.


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## SurpriseMyself

My H also won't say anything back. When we were dating long distance, I swear I could ask him a question and wait 30 sec with no response. I'd say "Do you have anything to say?" and he's say "what do you want me to say?" 

Now, he can talk ad nauseum about his favorite sports team or something like that, but can't talk about anything that actually affects his life. 

We are about to start MC. I found a really good counselor who is a guy, so I'm hoping that one guy to another, the counselor will let my H know that not speaking is not the answer. I know my H thinks that speaking will make things worse, but he needs to know that if he doesn't start communicating he will lose me and will have to split up our family. I'm not confident that he can change, or that he even wants to, but I have to give this a try.


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## bubbly girl

It must be a common guy thing. My husband doesn't like to talk about feelings or if something is bothering him.


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## 4821

Bella_Boo said:


> How do you communicate with a non-communicator? At times when there are issues, I want to talk through it, but my husband refuses to speak. He just sits there and listens but will not say a word, which infuriates me more. I've begged and pleaded with him to just speak and communicate, but he is just the type who is not a talker, and especially does not like to talk about his feelings. It does seem that when there is an issue or I am mad, he prefers that I just leave him alone for a day or two. I really hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only way to get past an issue or argument.


Men will talk more when they are doing something. So working in the yard can bring out a conversation - just keep on working. Cooking in the kitchen with you both there can make it happen. Dishes, or any sport you both like -


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## Accipiter777

my wife is the non communicator. its like pulling teeth sometimes... she'd rather not make waves which sometimes results in a tsunami.


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## endlessgrief

Bella_Boo said:


> Thank you both for the tips. I am new to this site and I think it is going to be very helpful. And GreenEyes, I have kind of noticed that when I act like I don't care and don't want to talk, he does open up more. It's like the more I push to talk, the more he ignores me.


doesn't it suck that you have to resort to reverse psychology to get a grown man to open up a little? My H is a non-communicator and I only get him to open up when he is drunk. Problem is, I hate him when he is drunk, therefore, I stay away from him.


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