# Letting him pursue you



## BecauseICan (Jan 21, 2019)

I'm reading Mars & Venus on a date and am learning about women being waves (very true for me!) and men being rubber bands. Learning about always letting him "chase" you a little. Can you all give me some real world examples of this? My guy is gone for work a lot, last weekend he was home for16 hours, this week he'll be here for one day. Naturally I want to spend that time with him. What are some ways I can let him pursue me? This is a new concept for me.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey Because...more details? How long dating or married? In a rut or just busy? 

I travel a lot for work...but sympathize a bit here. Some men (maybe me a little?) do like to chase. If you're the type that projects that he's the center of your universe that can (counter-intuitively) be a bit of a turn-off. I love when my wife is busy or makes plans with friends. I like to see her have her own interesting life. Makes me want to connect more and spend time with her. I don't want to 'be' her life, just part of it if that makes sense...


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Good you are interested in keeping fire in your relationship. 
Be careful. Know your husband before doing so. Some types enjoy that game but other psych types will be put off by it.

My mbti is very logical based. Playing those type games with me, depending on the extent, is very annoying. I had a few try it in the past, wanting their ego stroked, and i ended the relationship as a result.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not all men are the same. Some like the "chase", others do not. Personally I don't like it - to me it implies that the man has to "prove" his worth to the woman. Why ?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

How often do you flirt with your husband ?
A simple wink, or a tap on his rear when passing.
Do you two still hold hands in public ? What did you 
do before you got married to make him pursue you ?
I think it is more about little special things that keep 
the fire burning. Some people plan a date night, spontaneous
is better I think. Maybe a simple walk together for fresh air 
just the two of you talking an staying connected. 

It doesn't have to be some sort of game, just you being with him.
No outside pressure of life just you and him. You know your husband
nobody else does. Sometimes people just need time alone to pause
and be at peace. It isn't because they don't want you around . 

With life and work and everything else people forget that spark and 
what started their lives together. Glad to hear you are wanting to 
keep the fire burning. To many people forget and drift apart. I think 
you will figure out what is best for you and him. You love and care
about him a lot. 

If you want to do something spontaneous give hm a can of whipped cream,
or chocolate with a small bow on it. You will have a mess to clean up but it
will be fun making it. LOL


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I agree with red oak when women play disinterested, I find someone who is interested. When I am pushed away, I go away. 

On the other hand I have heard a lot of recommendations for that book. It is entirely possible that I am just weird.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BecauseICan said:


> I'm reading Mars & Venus on a date and am learning about women being waves (very true for me!) and men being rubber bands. Learning about always letting him "chase" you a little. Can you all give me some real world examples of this? My guy is gone for work a lot, last weekend he was home for16 hours, this week he'll be here for one day. Naturally I want to spend that time with him. What are some ways I can let him pursue me? This is a new concept for me.


In your situation, a real life example of this might be that when he is gone for work, let him call/text you, don't send him multiple messages if he's not engaging you. And you have real, genuine interests in your life where you are not always *immediately* available. It's not "playing a game" as much as being an independent, whole person who *wants *him but does not *need *him.

Now when he's home for 16 hours, I would make arrangements to be with him. Trust me, the separation has been plenty of "rubber-band time" for him. If he doesn't want to move heaven and earth to be with you when he's home such a short time, I'd be very concerned.

But when you are with him, have stories to tell about the things you did that you enjoyed while he was away. You were out enjoying your life, not curled up in the fetal position with a gallon of ice cream and sad music playing in the background.

I made the mistake of pursuing men I was interested in in the past and while I got them, in hind sight I think it really hurt our relationship because I was no challenge. They didn't have to be their best selves to have me around. And they definitely took me for granted.

I think it's basic human psychology that when we work to acquire and keep something, we value it more than that which is just handed to us.

I remember reading a line in a book once that stuck with me. A mother told her daughter: "Follow and they will flee. Flee and they will follow." I think it's generally true.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I think you should pursue him. Men like to be pursued not to pursue. I think this "make him chase you" meme that some women imbibe results in worse relationships or even, as red oak says above, women getting dumped. One of the reasons I let my wife become my girlfriend, over all my options, was because she chased me. One of the reasons I married her is because she never played these stupid games either.

I think a better meme is play stupid games, win stupid prizes.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

A particular type of male is not going to like this, but if you look all the way down through history and the way we are primally made up, only a particular type of mail likes to be the passive partner. I don't subscribe to all of the alpha male and Beta male discussion, but most alpha type males are not the kind of men who want the woman to do all the work of pursuit. The men who insist that men want to be pursued are usually the kind who have struggled when it comes to dating and social interactions.

Show me a man who thinks all men want to be pursued with the women as the chasers, and I will show you a man who probably struggles socially and has low emotional intelligence.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Not all men are the same. Some like the "chase", others do not. Personally I don't like it - to me it implies that the man has to "prove" his worth to the woman. Why ?


Why chase? Just go for it (whatever 'it' may be) if they reject you, then next them. Plenty of women, why waste my time?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> A particular type of male is not going to like this, but if you look all the way down through history and the way we are primally made up, only a particular type of mail likes to be the passive partner. I don't subscribe to all of the alpha male and Beta male discussion, but most alpha type males are not the kind of men who want the woman to do all the work of pursuit. The men who insist that men want to be pursued are usually the kind who have struggled when it comes to dating and social interactions.
> 
> Show me a man who thinks all men want to be pursued with the women as the chasers, and I will show you a man who probably struggles socially and has low emotional intelligence.


A man will pursue you until the lay, at which point he will be done. He'll keep calling, and keep inviting you over to netflix and chill, but men are not going to pursue a relationship. Once they have "caught" you they will be off looking for a new hare. At that point if you want to prove yourself as worthy of more than just netflix and chill the woman will have to pursue a relationship with the man.

I encountered far too many quite fine women in my dating, who believed that I, the man, was going to pursue a relationship with her. And they were fairly hurt to learn that no. No I was not going to do this at all. I did explain it to a few of them. My wife, however, seemed to understand this. Probably out of experience. And having a high desire to be in a relationship with the men she went to bed with.

Men will pursue. But only to a certain point.

Also you forgot to point out to all of us that you are in MENSA.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Like I said, low emotional intelligence.

Oh, and none of the men who pursued me made me take an IQ test or reduced me to tears.

Probably because they were men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I love chasing Mrs. Conan. She likes running from me when she senses I'm frisky. I always catch her.

Talking about sex and foreplay here?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think the truth is somewhere in-between.

I don't mind chasing, but once she is caught, she should stay that way. Sure, teasing is fun, but there shouldn't be any real chasing needed after you are a couple.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Like @ConanHub said. Chasing around the bedroom can be fun. Or teasing.

As for playing hard to get. Looking at it from a hunters perspective: when hunting game, you lie in wait, scent mask, bait, pursue, capture, kill and consume. Those who hunt for sport will keep trophies. The end. 
Then move to next one. Me thinks woman could learn something from this. If a woman plays to hard to get some men may want too meet the challenge, but those who do are usually only interested in the chase, and she should ask, does she want to be a trophy?

Openness and honesty. Showed my wife in was interested, she showed interest. If she had been indecisive, or went silent after a few calls and talks that would have been it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't believe in playing games in a relationship, especially once you are married. We never did that chasing thing, neither of us is into that. 
Surely if you are living together and he is away most of the week, its very important to spend that time he is there together, building up that relationship? 

Just be yourself, if he doesn't like it then he is not the one for you.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Ugh. I would hate it if my wife started playing mind games with me. We're all about openness and honesty with each other. It has worked for us for over a quarter century of marriage.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Game playing is extremely immature. If the person pursuing you is someone that you want, then let them catch you. Don't play hard to get and play games. My point is that the guy who sits in mom's basement waiting for the supermodel to come and ask them out is living in a fantasy land. That's not how it works.

Same with the awkward, jaded Kama in titled guy who takes a calculator with him on dates and keeps a running ledger of who has made the most effort so that he doesn't accidentally get taken advantage of lol. That kind of guy is just sad and probably doesn't need to be dating anyway.

It may also be a generational thing. I am 50, and so most of the men in my generation who consider themselves to be strong men take the man's role so to speak. The guys one generation behind that or the guys who date women 1 generation behind that have more of the mindset of entitle ment and wanting the woman to do the majority of the work.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Back when I was dating, I never asked for a date twice. If she turned me down, I assumed she wasn't interested.
But there were two who were doing something and to call later on. I did.


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## BecauseICan (Jan 21, 2019)

So the popular opinion is that guys DON'T like the chase. That's actually a good thing because it's not my nature. I could probably fake or for a couple of days but I'd settle back into being me pretty fast. If I like you I like you, if I don't you probably know that too. Thanks for all of the responses!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BecauseICan said:


> So the popular opinion is that guys DON'T like the chase. That's actually a good thing because it's not my nature. I could probably fake or for a couple of days but I'd settle back into being me pretty fast. If I like you I like you, if I don't you probably know that too. Thanks for all of the responses!


I think there may be some confusion about what pursuing or chasing actually IS. Or, as is typical, a misconception that either a man endlessly tries or a woman make the moves (two extremes).

I consider a man pursuing to mean the man asks me out or makes interest clear. I do not consider pursuit to be the childish game of him asking and her saying no while meaning yes to "make him work for it."

Neither party should play games.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

BecauseICan said:


> So the popular opinion is that guys DON'T like the chase. That's actually a good thing because it's not my nature. I could probably fake or for a couple of days but I'd settle back into being me pretty fast. If I like you I like you, if I don't you probably know that too. Thanks for all of the responses!


Just clarifying a few things...I see two ways of inspiring him to give to you the attention you want and they definitely aren't the same: 

1) playing games and trying to create an artificial sense of distance that inspires a chase...
2) genuinely living an interesting life apart from him that creates curiosity and a natural desire to spend time and share 

#1 is probably (definitely?) bad and will backfire if it's not congruent with who you. If he fishes it out it will come off as desperate and he won't respect you for it. It will come off as needy.
#2 is where you want to be, not for him necessarily but for yourself

I sense there's a lot of people (both women and men) that fall into a trap of letting their relationship, family or job define them and seek all validation from that. And they forget that those things are just a piece to a bigger life lived. Chase your passions and be just a bit selfish from time to time and create that space apart. I'm betting your husband will be attracted to that and will make the time you do spend together all the more special.

Just a thought...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He may search for easier prey.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I love John Gray, have read all his books and am a huge proponent of the Mars Venus way. I wholeheartedly believe it was instrumental in guiding my husband and my relationship. Its the easiest relationship either of us has ever had, hands down.

SO many people don't understand the MV ways and misinterpret almost everything in the book, especially the first one. He never says people should play hard to get, or play games or tolerate bad behaviour. Nowhere in any of the books does it say that. The books explain the differences between men and women, and how they perceive things in a GENERAL sense. We all have both Mars and Venus traits in us to some degree.

The biggest term people misunderstand - and use to accept bad behaviour is 'caving'. When a man just needs some time to himself to decompress or think about how to solve a problem, meaning that he'll go fishing for the weekend, or spend the afternoon in the shed or watching the footy. NOT disappearing and not call his gf for 3 months. That is not caving, he's gone lol.

Its a great read and a great way to see things from the other sex's point of view.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am reading the book as well. I am in my mid 50's, divorced and dating. What I have found is that if I pursue a man whether it is contacting him online thru a dating site or if I take initiative to say "hello" in person, there might be some way and forth and I might think the conversation went well but then it ends. If however, the man initiates contact with me first, either way, it seems like he will have more follow thru. When I was dating my husband of 24 years, he had not been an active dater. I found myself pursuing him and it felt very one-sided. I would ask him and he would say everything was fine, that he was not the type to dote on anyone. Unfortunately, that was a good indicator that he was not available to me. So I try to be very aware of that balance. I do allow the man room to pursue but I will send a text occasionally. If I do not get a response I figure he is not interested and I move on. 

I think it comes down to balance between two people. It seems to me, of the men I have dated who thrived on the thrill of the chase, I felt I was not the only woman they were chasing. To me it seems that some men a high form the chase and cannot get the same good feelings in a day to day relationship. These types are not relationship material. They are good at what they practice.....dating, being charming (in some cases). They learn what gets them what they want but they are not the committed type.

I think the book has many good points especially how each sex thinks differently and how we interpret the words of the other when really our interpretation might not be what the person meant. I agree with the book that women "share" and are relationship oriented while men "advertise" and are career driven. I have seen it and experienced it. Men will show themselves off, talk on and on about their achievements and fluff their feathers to impress. I think this is why men show you their house. I even had a man show me his closet. There cares are cleaner than us ladies' cares many times (at least in the impression stages). Then once men move from that need to impress, when they have won the lady, they stop the chatter and leave the talking to the woman. All that they did to impress, the attention they showered and the wonderful things they once told us which we loved is now gone and we are left scratching our heads.

Personally, I do not tire of the time spent with that person I am in love with but men like to do their own thing, at least this is what I have found. If you ask a question make sure you ask it only once in the whole 20 years you are together because if you asked it 10 years ago the man is going to tell you he already answered that question and he is not going to understand why you are bringing up the subject again. For get that things have changed and he is no longer the person he used to be and is not longer reacting the way he used to. I have a hard time with this and for me there seems to be a real issue of communication between the sexes.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

frusdil said:


> The biggest term people misunderstand - and use to accept bad behaviour is 'caving'. When a man just needs some time to himself to decompress or think about how to solve a problem, meaning that he'll go fishing for the weekend, or spend the afternoon in the shed or watching the footy. NOT disappearing and not call his gf for 3 months. That is not caving, he's gone lol.


Women need time to decompress too. My career can be very stressful at times and I know I have to just have some down-time to think and some times I just need time to get things done. I run a small business and I am very aware that I have to stay on top of it or I could lose part of my income. I think where I have issues if the "caving" that some claim men need to do its that men will say they need time to themselves but it is not always what they are doing and us ladies are the ones who have to figure out the truth of the matter. So we might be giving that man space as he has asked thinking we are giving that space so he can bounce back (the rubber band effect the book points out) and we find out he is seeing us only when he wants and has no intentions of anything honorable.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> Women need time to decompress too. My career can be very stressful at times and I know I have to just have some down-time to think and some times I just need time to get things done. I run a small business and I am very aware that I have to stay on top of it or I could lose part of my income. *I think where I have issues if the "caving" that some claim men need to do its that men will say they need time to themselves but it is not always what they are doing and us ladies are the ones who have to figure out the truth of the matter. So we might be giving that man space as he has asked thinking we are giving that space so he can bounce back (the rubber band effect the book points out) and we find out he is seeing us only when he wants and has no intentions of anything honorable*.


Correct. But then, that is not the true definition of caving. As in my example, he's not caving, he's just a ****.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My wife works long hours, but has a long weekend every week. She moves neither heaven, nor earth to spend time with me. In fact, if I'm around she is either sleeping or reading porn. 

But, what do I know I just got convicted as having low emotional intelligence. With that diagnosis, I'm freed from any responsibility in relationships.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> A man will pursue you until the lay, at which point he will be done. He'll keep calling, and keep inviting you over to netflix and chill, but men are not going to pursue a relationship. Once they have "caught" you they will be off looking for a new hare. At that point if you want to prove yourself as worthy of more than just netflix and chill the woman will have to pursue a relationship with the man.
> 
> I encountered far too many quite fine women in my dating, who believed that I, the man, was going to pursue a relationship with her. And they were fairly hurt to learn that no. No I was not going to do this at all. I did explain it to a few of them. My wife, however, seemed to understand this. Probably out of experience. And having a high desire to be in a relationship with the men she went to bed with.
> 
> ...


This is definitely not true for all men. You pursued sex but not a relationship because you wanted sex and either didn't want, or were indifferent to, a relationship. While I think it's common that most single men want sex, many of them also really want a relationship. Just look at all the men on here discussing their relationships and men saying why is it so hard to find "the one."

If a guy wants a relationship he will pursue it. If a guy is not pursuing a *relationship*, I would assume he is not looking for that and move on if that is what I wanted.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Correct. But then, that is not the true definition of caving. As in my example, he's not caving, he's just a ****.


That's my point. So how is one to know? If you are giving that person their "space" because they need to decompress how do you know that not just BS to keep you on the back burner? I think there is a difference in dating and being married as far as being able to discern the difference.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> *A man will* pursue you until the lay, at which point he will be done. *He'll* keep calling, and keep inviting you over to netflix and chill, but *men are not going to* pursue a relationship. Once they have "caught" you* they will *be off looking for a new hare. At that point if you want to prove yourself as worthy of more than just netflix and chill the woman will have to pursue a relationship with the man.
> 
> I encountered far too many quite fine women in my dating, who believed that I, the man, was going to pursue a relationship with her. And they were fairly hurt to learn that no. No I was not going to do this at all. I did explain it to a few of them. My wife, however, seemed to understand this. Probably out of experience. And having a high desire to be in a relationship with the men she went to bed with.
> 
> ...


I could quote all the instances of wildly incorrect generalizations of men. Men who are not worth the trouble of dating will do the things above.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> That's my point. So how is one to know? If you are giving that person their "space" because they need to decompress how do you know that not just BS to keep you on the back burner? I think there is a difference in dating and being married as far as being able to discern the difference.


Easy. If it happens too often or goes on too long, then you can not continue to see them. If your boyfriend is constantly needing space, every week, then they're not the one for you.


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## HDC (Nov 8, 2017)

I would say that letting the man chase you is a fine line to walk. When I was younger and dating I needed to be assured the girl was interested. If she was to nonchalant or playing hard to get I took that as a sign she probably didn’t like me very much. I mostly assumed she wanted me to go away but didn’t want to be mean about it. So I would just go away.


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