# Forgiveness & Why People Try to Stay Married



## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Just trying to sort through some feelings here. I don't particularly need advice, but sure would like to hear how others have dealt with their feelings, especially if you chose to stay with the WS.

Background: Married for 19 years, together for 21. DH having mid-life crisis, depression, PTSD, etc. We separated in Jan this year and DH had PA. He confessed (we specifically said we would NOT date others), ended the affair (only lasted about 1 month), and moved back home. We are in marriage counseling, but DH is still on quite a roller coaster ride. He can flip several times a day on a bad day, between wanting to divorce and wanting to stay married. He is trying to understand why I still want to be with him, why I'm so sure I want to try.

I'm still exploring this myself. We are talking about it a LOT together too. I think that the biggest thing that has helped me start the forgiveness process is that I feel no ill will from him. Not prior to the separation and affair, and not since. I've known for a long time that we have problems. Ours are around the lack of meaningful communication and connectedness. We don't fight, we don't insult each other, we don't blame, we're not mean to each other. But we avoid conflict or even conversations that we FEEL would cause conflict but that actually don't. This has caused us to not reveal our true selves to each other, to the point that now it is hard to figure out who we are - even to our own selves.

Do these problems excuse his behavior? ABSOLUTELY not! Does that mean he gets off Scott free? NOPE. Will I ever forget? Nope, but I promise myself, for my own emotional health, that I will NOT dwell on it and that I will NOT punish him for it. Forgiveness is about accepting the mistake, learning from it, and accepting my partner's efforts to make things right from here on out. If he were not making efforts to understand his part of the problems, I would need to leave. If he were not helping me to understand what drove him there, I would not be able to make my own necessary changes to help us be happy together.

So, I think that is all for now. Would love to hear your story!!!


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Sometimes reconciliation is worth it, most times it isn't. People often remain together out of fear of loneliness more than anything even though they seldom admit it. They may rationalize it by saying they are doing for the good or simply because they still love each other but realistically at least based on what I have seen and experienced it is fear that drives people to try and stay together. The cheaters are usually cake eaters that want to keep the security of a stable relationship without the commitment (due to personal issues they have) thus they try to save the relationship out of fear of loss and guilt and the betrayed usually isn't always emotionally equipped or experienced enough to know how to deal with it so he/she usually reacts based on instinct and fear of change. I may sound cynical but I am really not, if you read the posts on these forums or talked to anyone that got cheated on you will notice that most affairs once exposed follow a familiar script, true remorse is a rare trait and that very few very mature people display in situations like these. 

Hope things turn out for the best for and your family though.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Our story link is in my sig.  There are several of us on here who do not follow Romeo's 'script'. True reconciliation is a beautiful thing.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Romeo's blurb above is exactly why a lot of people are embarrassed about trying to reconcile after a spouse has an affair. Because people place inaccurate profiles on them as a person.

Sorry, but no I am neither scared to be alone or fear being alone. I am a military wife I spend a year alone at a time as it is. We reconciled because I am capable of seeing my husband as more than what he did. We received a lot of help on here, and made our marriage a lot better. OP, I will be back to post my story later, just had to laugh out loud at someone trying to label BS's AGAIN.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

In the initial phases, I sort of just gave up ‘rationalizing’ why I stayed. I was an emotional wreck and just recognized it. Lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions, but one constant; My gut never seriously wavered from telling me she’s my one. It was really my brain trying to justify one way or another my ‘why’ because its very hard to focus on a single unwavering emotion when everything else is screaming and ripping you in different directions.

And lol. My wife found my journal (or at least a memory dump of it). In there were some ‘crazier’ justifications for staying. Like staying, making her fall in love with me again, then dumping her butt for revenge so she’d feel a bit of this pain. (She fears this is still my plan)... I’ve had to explain that I will latch onto any thought if it helps me go on one more day or one more week. Knowing that these are ‘temporary thoughts’ makes them very easy to let go of when the time is right. Meanwhile, I worked on myself, my understanding, etc. So one day I would understand ‘why’ and buy her the time to work on herself so I wouldn’t question ‘why I’m married to her’. (Note; even that is an excuse for ‘why I stay’). Btw; Year two is the hardest because you won’t have that emotional rollercoaster making things murky... that’s when you can think a bit clearer; and your justification of ‘why’ will change...

Funny thing... I still can’t quite tell you why exactly I stayed. All I can say is I’m still married and don’t question it as often. It doesn’t cross my mind that it shouldn’t be this way. So just go ahead and pick your reason... it’ll change like everything else as you work through it all.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Hope, I actually read your story a few weeks ago. DawnD, I would be interested to read your story. If you have it elsewhere already, please link me to it. Racer, I appreciate learning a man's perspective of why he would choose to stay. It is also good to understand that the reason may change over time!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Cat--- I will post the minor details for you, so it doesn't take over your thread. feel free to ask for more details on anything if you want them 


Dday -- Halloween 2009
Date agreed to attempt R -- January 2010

H had been suffering from PTSD since Feb 2007. Things were bad, he was withholding affection, sex, and basically anything and everything in the world was my fault since Feb 2007. He refused to get treatment, even after myself and several friends told him he really needed it. He did not seek counseling until a few days after Dday.

When I found out about his affair, it had already been over for a year and a half. That is why when I see all these people encouraging the cheater to not come clean, I giggle a little. The OW's husband waited a year and a half to find me. And as soon as he did, he wanted to make sure I knew what had happened. 

My H and the OW had about a month long affair, and were physical three times. Unprotected. 

I screamed, yelled, called him everything nasty I could think of, and had my meltdown. I did not commit to trying to R for months, because the wonderful people here assured me it was okay to take my time when making this decision. And they were right.

When my H started his counseling and came to terms with the horrible things he had done, and all the damage that he had caused, its almost like I saw his heart break. Still in my own pain, I really didn't care at that point, I just wanted to make sure he knew how big of a D-bag he was, and what he was about to lose for a long time.

The OW and her H contacted me, her H wanted to skype and get some info from my H to verify what his wife had told him about the affair. We agreed. When the truth came out about what they both said about their spouses, and what their true intention were, they were both furious with one another, and felt like idiots. Which they should have. I will admit this: I thought it was hilarious to see them both have their fake world exposed and having to cop to all the BS they told each other. 

We are now almost 3 years out from Dday. Things are going very well. He had another deployment for a year recently, and we did great. Anxiety was not bad, and I am slowly learning to trust him a little more at a time. He knows my boundaries, and he has not tested them. His best friend told him what an ahole he was, and came to my side when the news of his affair was told. I only had my H tell two friends, and I told 3 girlfriends. His friends left him immediately and came to see me. 

I think I got lucky in some senses. His friends were disgusted by his actions, and almost ran to my side to let me know they were there, and that if I needed anything to let them know. Even when we decided to attempt R, they made it apparent they were there for me. My friends all told me the same thing: They support me no matter what I chose to do. My H got to see the full picture of his life, and what he had turned it into. He also got to see a full fallout from not only me, but his closest friends too.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Thanks Dawn. I'm not feeling as forgiving today as I was yesterday. Not specifically about the affair, but about his level of committment. He is still entertaining divorce. Last night we had MC and the counsilor got really tough with him. Pissed H off and last night he said he'd flipped towards divorce. That pissed *me *off, really. That just feels like he's not really willing to handle the anger appropriately and divorce talk is a way to get me back in line.

Today I've been reading the Just Let Them Go thread and have come to the conclusion that I've reached my limit. Tonight I am going to ask him to stay at the condo for a week. I plan to help him understand what it will really feel like divorced. We will each stay at the condo for a week and home with the kids for a week. And during the time I'm at the condo, I will be focussing on me and trying to get myself together. I'm sick of his roller coaster and talk about divorce. I haven't been able to focus on work for a LONG time and I really need to resolve that problem quickly, before they lose faith in me and I get fired.


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