# I admitted I had a ONS and not just a EA



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Its been a year from my affair and my H has been reliving it all and very very accusing me of letting my parents decide to have me D my H....Every time I'm with my parents he starts instantly acusing. Yesterday I told him I was going to lunch with my parents and he said when will his papers get to him.

Today its been non stop me crying with him accusing me of everything, but mostly about my parents and about how much money I spend. I have not been spending money....I get the kids food, pay the bills, take myself to fast food lunch a few times and take the kids to dr appts...He is freaking about money


I figureed our marriage was over tonihgt. So I finally told him I slept with someone else too. That it was during our seperation and it was only 1 night. 

He opened up about his affair....I said I had wanted him to do everything he did to her to me and as often as her....

He asked a few questions and I asked him a few questions about his affair partner.

He wanted to know why I was telling him now...I said cause I figure the marraige is over...he asked if I wanted it to be over...I said no, but I can't keep being accused of planning to leave him and can't keep hearing that it was all my parents fault.

His affair was during seperation, so he has always mantained it was not an affair....Mine went ONS during seperation too

I'm sure there will be more questions tomorrow


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Blueskies, 

Did it seem to relax him a bit when you told him about the ONS?

It sounds like the tables turned a bit, maybe he's happier knowing its More even now.

If you didn't know it, once he's having to take a lot of hassle for his actions, he would much rather have it be equal. This may change down the road when he stops appreciating that point and he realizes that another man had you. Well...that's how my situation went anyway. Hummmff!


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

dogman said:


> Blueskies,
> 
> Did it seem to relax him a bit when you told him about the ONS?
> 
> ...


 He seemed to calm down a bit. Before this he was telling me to hit the road and he was being very very mean. So he started asking questions nad i was hesitant to answer them until he answered more of his sexual affair. I kept up asking him if he hated me now. He kept saying he didn't say that. 

I told him that I wanted him to have sex with me as often as he did with her and do everything to me that he did with her. I still don't know what all he did with her.

He wanted to know exactly when my sexual affair was and I couldn't give him a date cause it was 1 day over a year ago. He asked me repeatedly where we had sex and he was guessing the car....I didn't want to tell him the exact locations cause I don't want him having reaction for years about those locations. I told him it was on our floor at our house. We don't own the house anymore I pointed out to him. It was exactually in our bed and in our living room. The bed we don't own anymore, we got a new bed last spring.

I didn't plan the way I told him or what I hoped it would bring, but now I hope it brings him peace of knowing the truth and knowing that we each are matched in what we did. Even though he did have sex with her over a relationship period. I want him to know that I chose him, I had no feelings for OM after and I instantly started avoiding him after he went back home. My husband has been accusing me so much of finding a nother man while hes traveling and not believing me that I love him, that I want him to know I chose him. I want him to know that he is who I find so attractive. I wanted him to know I held myself back with him for years before our seperation and I can't hold myself back anymore. I am who I am sexually. Hes been viewing sex as a bad thing almost....and the infrequency and our non-communication pre seperation did lead me to have an affair that I really did plan. 

While hes traveling he doesn't want pictures of me and I send them anyway...it hurts me that he doesn't comment on them. He says he saves them in his phone album, but he doesn't need to comment. 

I don't have him here with me, so I don't have someone telling me I'm sexy or being affectionate, any of those things. I started sending him more intimiate pics recentlya nd he reacted badly to those, saying why was I sending pics of my p*ssy....they were underwear shots....and nothing naked...

He seems like he can't handle anything too sexual.....its goimg to be the end of my marriage I feel....His reaction to my needs....he says I only think of myself

I don't know how today will go...we ended last night with him saying he had a lot to process and he did say he loved me and night

I just miss him so much...and we havent even gotten to start our new life at all, but it feels like our marriage is ending...and its ending really because of the distance and not knowing when we can be together


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I am really sorry you are in this position.

He should really appreciate the way you are sending pics and wanting to sext. That can add so much intimacy and passion to a relationship. I am I the same boat with you. 
I'm not sure what you can do at this point, you spelled it out for him in no uncertain terms. You are continuing to try. That's all you can do. 
I decided to try to live without the sexy part. I love my wife and would never leave because of sex or the level of sex we have. 
It would just be cool to have the build up that the texting and pictures provide.

Are you and he compatible outside of sexual stuff.? Because I know you feel your marriage is coming to a close but I'm not sure he's on board with that. The vibe I get from what you've written is negative on your side but getting better on his.
My wife said very hurtful things to me at one time. She would tell me to just leave, get out. She even wished I would just die in my sleep but...she really didn't want any of that. I hope haha! She was just hitting me as hard as she could (figuratively). So your husband may have said extreme things but that's not necessarily how he feels.

Also, I think it's a good idea to never tell him the truth about the locations of the sex. Its not important and Triggers suck!


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

dogman said:


> I am really sorry you are in this position.
> 
> He should really appreciate the way you are sending pics and wanting to sext. That can add so much intimacy and passion to a relationship. I am I the same boat with you.
> I'm not sure what you can do at this point, you spelled it out for him in no uncertain terms. You are continuing to try. That's all you can do.
> ...


We are in a long distnce marraige with him working in another state and we lost our family home. I'm living with his parents. And I'm getting ready to file bankrupcy by myself since hes away. He says he already knows what I look like and doesn't need pictures and he doesn't sext. I do wonder exactly what him and OW talked about before going to meet her and then starting sex imediatly. I think they had to have discussed sex cause why would he sleep wiht her after a week?

My husband may have been pushing my buttons so hard last night, you may be right. He says some really cruel things.

He has not contacted me today at all. Its about 10am where he is now. I sent him an "I love you" text at 9am his time and I've gotten nothing back

I hope that this opens up some lines of communication. I really want to know what in her he thought was so attractive. I feel he still wants to change me because of what he found extremly sexy about her.


----------



## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Shouldn't of slept with someone else then.
He cheated, you cheated, both as bad as each other, no point bringing it all up from a year back. 
If you both cant accept it, it won't work.
Your relationship is over, start it up differently, or stick a fork in it, move on and don't cheat on the next one..either way its done.

Hurts and I feel for you, but you got yourself here, you where trickling him truth, he'd of known there was more too it, knew there was something you where hiding, how many times has he asked you if there was anything else he needed to know, and how many times have you said 'no'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You lance the wound to get the pus out. Otherwise the infection just gets deeper. The cut hurts though, which is why so many people avoid the procedure.

He might associate 'sexting' with his guilty feelings with the OW if he indulged with her.

Or maybe he's being uber passive aggressive, blaming you and your parents for things he wishes he was brave enough to do himself.

Sounds like a lot more talks need to be made, and not over incidentals like what color your panties are.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

BeenHurt said:


> Shouldn't of slept with someone else then.
> He cheated, you cheated, both as bad as each other, no point bringing it all up from a year back.
> If you both cant accept it, it won't work.
> Your relationship is over, start it up differently, or stick a fork in it, move on and don't cheat on the next one..either way its done.
> ...


There was never a good time to tell him...I actually did try to tell him a couple of times or tried to open communication up....he always said he didn't want to know.....
Your right that he did iniatially ask about it the first time during seperation that the kids were with him....I just couldn;t tell him because there was a divorce in process and I didn't want the divorce to go final....He says that it would have gone final had I told him then....

Its been a year from both of our infedilities and my H has been bringing stuff up since early August....then just FRiday he was accusing me of sending me his divorce papers becuase I was out to lunch with my parents...he blames my parents for it all...I finally had to tell him why its not my parents total fault...they did have a huge part in it, but they are not 100%


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

JCD said:


> You lance the wound to get the pus out. Otherwise the infection just gets deeper. The cut hurts though, which is why so many people avoid the procedure.
> 
> He might associate 'sexting' with his guilty feelings with the OW if he indulged with her.
> 
> ...


If the marriage does continue I hope the truth does heal....I hope that he would stoip feeling so bad about what he did cause I know he does feel bad

I also wanted to tell him because I want to talk about what I was experincing....He seems not open to talk about it yet....I did tell him I have so much passion that I want to give him...so many things I haven't done in a long time....(of course this seepration with him working is hard)

I wanted him to know that he is the best I have had....that I love making love with him....I can't find myself making love to anyone else....

I don't know if he sexted with OW...he met her on Plenty Of Fish...I joined recently to see if he was there cause hes been distant...I've now learned how forward people are on there....OW lives int eh same time, so they met very soon and started having sex within a week.....

He has seemed to have sexual problems with me since we reconsiled.....Its been one thing after the other....we did go on a cruise in March and he had no problems there and we were in a new love....

I wanted to start a new life away from all the negative stuff thats happened in our home town. We are going through bankrupcy and already lost our house. Hes working in another state because there was no work in our state or long term work

I really think that if we were abel to live together things would be better


----------



## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

I can't blame him for not wanting you to visit your parents, especially if they had 'a big part in it'
Family are often very one sided, and given your relationship is on the rocks, everytime you see them, he won't know if you'll even be coming back. It's hard to work on the two of you, when there's people that are trying to pull you away.

The divorce may of been final back then, but you would be in a very different place today had you of told the truth (weather he wanted to hear or not) He didn't want to hear, because the thought of it was enough, but you can bet he's been stewing it all up, not knowing is a choice, but often made at times of extreme confusion.

It's been a year of false R
You both need to communicate about what's best for each other and the kids, no more games (not telling him something 'the ball' to stop you from divorcing 'the bat' so you can achieve a reconciliation 'the goal' Is for all intents and purposes...a game)
Tell him what you want, clearly and precisely, if you are able to move past his infidelity, then you need to let him make his choice about weather he can get over yours.

Stand by your husband, if that's what you really want, tell your parents and all the others that are trying to "help" you, that you are an adult, in love with another adult, and you'd ratehr not discuss the details of your relationship any further with them at this stage.
When they tell you what a jerk he is, or whatever they influence you into doing..stand up for him...

Or do yourselves a big favor and let him be


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

BeenHurt said:


> I can't blame him for not wanting you to visit your parents, especially if they had 'a big part in it'
> Family are often very one sided, and given your relationship is on the rocks, everytime you see them, he won't know if you'll even be coming back. It's hard to work on the two of you, when there's people that are trying to pull you away.
> 
> The divorce may of been final back then, but you would be in a very different place today had you of told the truth (weather he wanted to hear or not) He didn't want to hear, because the thought of it was enough, but you can bet he's been stewing it all up, not knowing is a choice, but often made at times of extreme confusion.
> ...


Hes wanting revenge on the OM..wanting to have a Biker gang go find him and break his knee caps and hes not telling me he loves me anymore.

Right now there is no communication. I try to communicate and he says STOP...thats much like I got before he had to leave for working in another state


----------



## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Biker gangs? Oh well any sympathy for him is out the window, can understand the revenge, but be a man about it, and do it himself. It's a real ***** thing to do threatening that, pathetic.....

If he don't want you communicating, then don't.....Stop trying if he doesn't want you too.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

BeenHurt said:


> Biker gangs? Oh well any sympathy for him is out the window, can understand the revenge, but be a man about it, and do it himself. It's a real ***** thing to do threatening that, pathetic.....
> 
> If he don't want you communicating, then don't.....Stop trying if he doesn't want you too.


I'm so sad...I missed him before and I miss him even more now cause now he does not say he loves me back and he does not want to text or call me back.

My heart is so broken I never should have told him....

Now he won't believe me even more...thinks I'm still in contact with OM...even though...OM is married


----------



## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Tell him how much you love him, how commited you are to making it work, how you realise how bad you where when you had someone else making you scream..
Tell him you are going to respect his wishes and stop contacting him, that the line will be open to him for as long as it takes, should he want to carry on...

Then do something different, have a girls night out and go back to being who you are.
If he gets in touch (he probably will) then take it from there...


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Sorry blueskies, 
Beenhurt is right. Focus on yourself. The better your mental state is the better you will be able to deal with your husband. 
Counseling and good times but I would avoid the girls night out. Stay away from anywhere there might be men. Do lunch or dinn with friends. Go out for coffee, workout. Fix yourself, but don't give your husband anything to worry about.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

When you get strong enough tell your husband that you both need to get professional help and both have to be willing to forgive and get other areas worked out. If he will not then you better do what you got to do to protect your emotions and sanity. That means no bluffing but real action.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

BeenHurt said:


> Tell him how much you love him, how commited you are to making it work, how you realise how bad you where when you had someone else making you scream..
> Tell him you are going to respect his wishes and stop contacting him, that the line will be open to him for as long as it takes, should he want to carry on...
> 
> Then do something different, have a girls night out and go back to being who you are.
> If he gets in touch (he probably will) then take it from there...


I've told him how much I love him, but it doesn't matter. I broke off contact way back on Oct 17th when my husband had told me he wanted to work on our marriage. At the time I didn't know he was having a sexual affair with the OW that he had started about a month before. It was only 1 day with OM, but my husband doesn't care. I had sex with anohter man and thats all that matters to him


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I've told him how much I love him, but it doesn't matter. I broke off contact way back on Oct 17th when my husband had told me he wanted to work on our marriage. At the time I didn't know he was having a sexual affair with the OW that he had started about a month before. It was only 1 day with OM, but my husband doesn't care. I had sex with anohter man and thats all that matters to him


Yeah. Psychologically, that's how men naturally roll. Statistics point it out. We even have a thread about the comparsion of how often women leave men for cheating vs how many men leave women.

I wish I could offer you hope. It's POSSIBLE, but not likely. Keep trying.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I only had a one night stand though during the legal seperation, and he had a straight sexual affair at the same time I had the one night stand.

Its been over a year since this happend and I told him I cut off all contact with him Oct 17th when my H had asked me if I really wanted a divorce. I also told him that after OM went home I lessened contact because I was not in love with him that I missed my H.

Last night my H said he can never forgive me and he is going to take the kids away from me


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I only had a one night stand though during the legal seperation, and he had a straight sexual affair at the same time I had the one night stand.
> 
> Its been over a year since this happend and I told him I cut off all contact with him Oct 17th when my H had asked me if I really wanted a divorce. I also told him that after OM went home I lessened contact because I was not in love with him that I missed my H.
> 
> Last night my H said he can never forgive me and he is going to take the kids away from me


He might not forgive you and he might divorce you, but it will be almost impossible to 'take the kids away'.

Get a good lawyer with money from your joint account NOW. Put down a retainer.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

The two of you seem intent on hurting each other, both through your previous affairs and now through the re-living and re-telling of what you each did.

I think the two of you will never heal from all this and it would be better for each of you to move on and try to live healthier lives without each other


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sounds like you two have a lot of issues. You are never going to fix anything with you two a a part. Can you move to him? You both need MC and that will not happen long distance.

You are doing the same thing that all WS's do and that is trickle truth until you both answer questions with honesty nothing witll work.

As far as your parents go they are a problem because it needs to be about the two of you.

If you want to R then you need to be together so he finds work at home or you go to him. Figure out what your marriage is worth.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

mahike said:


> Sounds like you two have a lot of issues. You are never going to fix anything with you two a a part. Can you move to him? You both need MC and that will not happen long distance.
> 
> You are doing the same thing that all WS's do and that is trickle truth until you both answer questions with honesty nothing witll work.
> 
> ...


We are in a housing situation that is so hard. We lost our house in our home state, there was no long term work in our home state either. He is union, so he has to go where work is or he will be stuck on unemployment long term. He was on unemployment for 6 months here in our home state before we lost our house. He moved us into his parents house before he left to work. It was only supposed to be temporary over he summer, but here it is fall. Our credit is preventing us from moving. Plus now we have to save money for moving expence and renting ahouse. he did talk (in anger) about taking a job in our state and moving to a different town. I didn't really talk about it since the talk at that time was not calm.

I know what my marriage is worth. Going through the seperation last year...when I took out all the people from my marriage and thought about things...I love my Husband and he loves me....I still have friends telling me I need to divorce him and family too... I love him and we both have a lot in common, but a lot of stress too. We have 3 special needs children, one being very noticable special needs and the other 2 are not too severe, speech delays kind of things


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> We are in a housing situation that is so hard. We lost our house in our home state, there was no long term work in our home state either. He is union, so he has to go where work is or he will be stuck on unemployment long term. He was on unemployment for 6 months here in our home state before we lost our house. He moved us into his parents house before he left to work. It was only supposed to be temporary over he summer, but here it is fall. Our credit is preventing us from moving. Plus now we have to save money for moving expence and renting ahouse. he did talk (in anger) about taking a job in our state and moving to a different town. I didn't really talk about it since the talk at that time was not calm.
> 
> I know what my marriage is worth. Going through the seperation last year...when I took out all the people from my marriage and thought about things...I love my Husband and he loves me....I still have friends telling me I need to divorce him and family too... I love him and we both have a lot in common, but a lot of stress too. We have 3 special needs children, one being very noticable special needs and the other 2 are not too severe speech delays kind of things


blueskies, you have a lot on-your plate and I'm sure you feel very alone. Stop listening to the friends who say divorce him. Close your ears to your parents and stay focused on your husband. If it falls apart let it be on him. Don't let him put it all on you, he has his share of blame.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

dogman said:


> blueskies, you have a lot on-your plate and I'm sure you feel very alone. Stop listening to the friends who say divorce him. Close your ears to your parents and stay focused on your husband. If it falls apart let it be on him. Don't let him put it all on you, he has his share of blame.


I am feeling very alone. I feel like we can't even work on our marraige, but then I feel like I can't give up before we can be together liivng together. When he did move back into our house, we lived together for 6 months nad thats the happiest I had felt in a long long time. It could of course have been happier because he had gotten laid off 30 days after moving back in and I was dealing with the pain of his sexual affair, but we spent almost every moment together. I miss him so much even though hes not good at long distance marriage. Its hard hearing my friends say divorce him. 

Its hard when I have anxiety and I can't talk to him about it cause either hes working or he can't deal with my worries while hes away cause he can't hold me nad tell me its going to be ok.

Tonight my anxiety is caused by somehting he didn't do though. He was supposed to send his check stubs to me so they will be here by Monday...I have a lawyer appt Monday morning to file our bankrupcy...so we can start gettign out of this financial mess that has us seperated.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I am feeling very alone. I feel like we can't even work on our marraige, but then I feel like I can't give up before we can be together liivng together. When he did move back into our house, we lived together for 6 months nad thats the happiest I had felt in a long long time. It could of course have been happier because he had gotten laid off 30 days after moving back in and I was dealing with the pain of his sexual affair, but we spent almost every moment together. I miss him so much even though hes not good at long distance marriage. Its hard hearing my friends say divorce him.
> 
> Its hard when I have anxiety and I can't talk to him about it cause either hes working or he can't deal with my worries while hes away cause he can't hold me nad tell me its going to be ok.
> 
> Tonight my anxiety is caused by somehting he didn't do though. He was supposed to send his check stubs to me so they will be here by Monday...I have a lawyer appt Monday morning to file our bankrupcy...so we can start gettign out of this financial mess that has us seperated.


 You've been patient but it's not over yet so plan on the long game. You have to hang in there. 
I struggled and after 3 years of trying R I almost quit. I ended up on a suicide hotline and it was bad. But... I made it through and I tried not to get emotionally attached to the outcome. I was so caught up in hurrying back to normal. Sounds weird but I just did what was right, remained patient and we are at 6 years past our issues and it is at about 90% perfect, still working on the last 10% though. We still have bad days and I still have to explain stuff but it's all good, I can handle it. So can you.


----------



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

dogman said:


> You've been patient but it's not over yet so plan on the long game. You have to hang in there.
> I struggled and after 3 years of trying R I almost quit. I ended up on a suicide hotline and it was bad. But... I made it through and I tried not to get emotionally attached to the outcome. I was so caught up in hurrying back to normal. Sounds weird but I just did what was right, remained patient and we are at 6 years past our issues and it is at about 90% perfect, still working on the last 10% though. We still have bad days and I still have to explain stuff but it's all good, I can handle it. So can you.


Thanks for your words. Today was another hard day....because I comfronted him about the actual amount of $$ he makes. He admitted keeping $$ asecret from me. Hes having an issue sending me the pay stubs and I knew there was a reason beyond that he just doesn't have time. 
NOw we are not speaking to eachother for as long as he decides


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> Thanks for your words. Today was another hard day....because I comfronted him about the actual amount of $$ he makes. He admitted keeping $$ asecret from me. Hes having an issue sending me the pay stubs and I knew there was a reason beyond that he just doesn't have time.
> NOw we are not speaking to eachother for as long as he decides



Blueskies,
I tried to read up on your situation and you have ALOT of threads that you've started. Haha! So let me get this straight the best I can because it seems upside down to me.

You separated.
Not sure if the EA you had was the cause or not but it happened. 
While separated you had a ONS
While separated your husband had a sexual relationship outside 
your marriage.
You have 3 autistic children
Financial problems
Abusive parents that you are stuck living with and they influence 
you negatively.

I know there has to be a lot more to this but in a nutshell does that sound right?

Your marriage would be lucky to survive the parents and the special needs children let alone the separation crap.

The infidelities in IMHO are not the issue. 

You need to get away from your parents ASAP, unless they have tried to make amends and changed dramatically.

I hate to say this but you may need to let your husband just do what he has to do, and start to cover yor own butt the best you can.

If he divorces you he will have to give you the money you need, so he may drag his feet for a while. A long while. 

All this seems impossible because you need you parents right now. But put into action whatever is needed to be able to break away eventually.

Your husband will possible come back to you but right now he is pulling away the more you hold on.

What I meant by upside down is that you bear too much weight in this, you have more reason to be upset that him. He had the relationship and is living his life at work while you care for your kids and deal with your parents and the financial issues.

Sorry in advance if I have it wrong but, it's how I am seeing the details.


----------

