# I am Sensitive, He's Mean, asking for advice please.



## Wellsie (Apr 18, 2012)

I need advice. I can take it, and I need the TRUTH please, even if I don’t like it.

My husband has a temper. He gets SO angry quite often… to the point of yelling. He has a 4 year old daughter who lives with us. We are trying to get custody because her mother is very unstable, but that’s another story which has to do with this, but this post is going to be long enough as is. 

A few examples, he yells at SD (my stepdaughter) a lot. She’s 4! And while I understand that everyone explodes from time to time, is it normal to be so often? She gets yelled at for not putting her books away right, for not moving fast enough when he tells her to do something, for ignoring him, for just anything. I agree all these things need to be corrected, but is yelling the answer?

Now, on to me. My husband also likes to yell at me. When we argue and I disagree with him, his favorite thing is to yell, YOU AREN’T LISTENING TO ME! Ummm, I am, I just disagree…. 

He has anger issues, last night we were talking about getting another dog someday. Which turned into him looking immediately on Craigslist. He found a dog of the type he wanted, and it openly said she had aggression issues with other dogs. We have 2 mellow dogs already, a cat, and a 4 year old. I explained that we didn’t need to voluntarily bring other issues into our situation. He emailed the lady and asked if the dog’s issues can be “worked on.” Then he told me that if I said no it was ok. So, I said no. lol He yelled…

“Up your f’ing ass (insert my name here)! You aren’t even listening to me!”

I won’t go into the list of all the times he has spewed crap like this, but it is a regular thing. Afterwards, he apologizes of course and gets all lovey. Last night after the dog incident, about 15 mins passed after his apology and he was trying to be sweet and affectionate, I was stiff and cold. He said, “What’s wrong with you, you’re all nasty now. “ Well, yeah, I have a hard time getting over stuff like that on an instant.

I have posted earlier today a tiny bit about a past relationship where he was severely emotionally abusive, and that post also talks about a few weeks ago when my husband basically told me he was trying to keep me from becoming a “lard ass” like I was with my ex. So I am wondering if I am overly sensitive to what I perceive as “meanness” (due to past relationship) to the point of overreacting. I know every relationship has problems, is this normal?

He has told me before that I need to stop wearing my “heart on my sleeve” and “grow a thicker skin”. Well, I was under the impression that my home and my husband were supposed to be the places where I COULD wear my heart on my sleeve and fall apart safely. I have to be thick skinned all day long at my job why do I have to keep it up at home?

I’m FAR from perfect. I know for a fact that I can be overly sensitive and hold grudges. I know he has a temper.

We went to counseling last week, it was a good session, but I feel like we didn’t dig into the depth of our problems yet. We left feeling better, but I think it was a temporary band-aid. Our next appointment is Tuesday.

Oooooook. I KNOW this sounds like a ridiculous question. Is all of this normal, do other people fight like this too? How often would YOU tolerate full blown being yelled and cussed at? What should I DO!

If you have read this far thank you a MILLION times over. Help!


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

He did this before, and hes doing it now. This is emotional abuse. You have to be willing to acknowledge that in order to be able to do something about it. Say it out loud "my husband emotionally abuses me". I know, ive beenthere.
Do you have kids together? If not, don't. He'll treat your kids the same. 
Others will probably post about borderline personality disorder. Do what you will with that info, but take some measure to stop the abuse. You dont deserve it and it will get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tell him you're an adult and you're not going to converse with angry 2 year olds. If he can't talk to his wife with a little maturity and respect, he just doesn't get to talk to her. Then, the next time you see the 2 year old, calmly walk away. Leave the house if you have to. He'll eventually get tired of screaming at no one. Nobody persists in an action unless they get a reward. Make sure he doesn't get his reward. I don't think you're overly sensitive, but just a rational, normal human being who doesn't appreciate verbal and emotional abuse. Who does? If I didn't have any kids with this man and I had little invested, I would probabably just bail on him. Life is too short to live with an abuser.


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## Wellsie (Apr 18, 2012)

Thanks for your replies. He always tells me that every couple has problems, ours aren't any different than anyone else's so I wanted to ask people for myself. 

We don't have kids together. I am thinking that there is a reason we never got pregnant. I had been on the verge of leaving him, and the counseling appoint tamed me a little. I felt like I had to try everything to make it work since I married him, I don't want to talk away. 

He "behaved" himself a little better for about 5 days post counseling, then that happened last night and I am thinking of calling it quits again already. I can't stand watching him treat his daughter this way, I don't know WHAT I would do if I was the mama bear and we actually had a child.

I wish every single day he would just walk out on me. I don't know how to make him leave. He has to be the one, because we bought a house together in November (in my name) and he could never afford it. I can. We have no family close by he can stay with. This is awful.


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

Talk to a lawyer. You want out and need out. He tells you its normal so you will doubt yourself. Its a normal aspect of dysfunction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Wellsie said:


> Oooooook. I KNOW this sounds like a ridiculous question. Is all of this normal, do other people fight like this too? How often would YOU tolerate full blown being yelled and cussed at? What should I DO!
> 
> If you have read this far thank you a MILLION times over. Help!


Whether or not this is normal, it is definitely unhealthy for you. What he is doing is called emotional abuse. 

It sounds to me like he's got an anger problem, not just with you, but with his child as well. Would he consider anger management classes? The more you tolerate, the more this will continue. It will escalate, and will probably develop into physical abuse (as trends generally indicate). If you have a chance to stop it now, you should. 

Many of us on this board have been through similar experiences with partners who take anger out on us and then try to excuse it or justify it by saying we need to toughen up or by pointing out our flaws to divert attention from their bad behavior. It isn't your fault and it isn't normal. He also seems to be saying "you're not listening" when he means "you're not obeying", which is troubling. He may or may not understand what he is doing, but it is negatively impacting you and I can bet it's harming his daughter, too. 

Are you in individual counseling? Have you done any research on emotional abuse or power cycles? I would suggest doing so (in private browsing mode, if you both share a computer; you want to avoid that volatile temper of his). Please see a counselor because his behavior is definitely abusive and you need to talk to an objective professional about this to learn some coping strategies, if not get advice on how to remove yourself from this situation.

*Please read the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.* I think it will help you get some perspective on your situation. It's easy to read and informative. Also consider reading "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft and Jac Patrissi.

You're posting here, which means you recognize that something isn't right. Pay attention to that feeling. Try to figure out what you think is acceptable and what isn't and try to figure out if it is possible for you to have a relationship with this man that isn't guided by intimidation, fear, and domination. You don't sound happy. You don't sound scared, but if this escalates, your fear will, too.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Wellsie said:


> I can't stand watching him treat his daughter this way, I don't know WHAT I would do if I was the mama bear and we actually had a child.


If you, as an adult are appalled by his behavior, imagine what this little girl is going through. She is four. Is her mother really so unstable that this is a better situation for the daughter? Does she have anyone else in her life who treats her with love and compassion and forgiveness? It's natural that your protective impulses are involved, here.



Wellsie said:


> I wish every single day he would just walk out on me. I don't know how to make him leave. He has to be the one, because we bought a house together in November (in my name) and he could never afford it. I can. We have no family close by he can stay with. This is awful.


This is NOT GOOD. If you want him to leave, then you should be able to ask him to leave. If you really want to make it easier, look for an apartment for him that he can afford and when you ask him to leave, then you can suggest it.

I'm sorry, but I am really worried for his daughter. Please see a counselor. I'm not in your situation and I don't know how he is with her the rest of the time, but I can bet you that she is going to be negatively impacted by this man's treatment of her. It isn't your responsibility to stay with him for the sake of the child, but if I were you, I'd talk to a professional.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> She gets yelled at for not putting her books away right, for not moving fast enough when he tells her to do something, for ignoring him, for just anything. I agree all these things need to be corrected, but is yelling the answer?


You KNOW it's not! You're appalled by it, and you KNOW it's wrong.

We can all predict how this poor little girl will turn out if THIS is how he intends to parent her: angry, sullen, defiant, sneaky, promiscuous, drug-abusing (even if just recreationally) and she'll RUN OFF with the first male who tells her "I love you"...even if he's the BIGGEST LOSER on Earth. She'll do/believe WHATEVER it takes to get the hell out of that house at the FIRST opportunity!


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