# How to win her?



## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

Married for 4 years. Both are working. First one year life was very good. After an year I went abroad for an year due to work. Once I am away, wife become very friendly with a Collegue and started spending some nights in his house( he is married and wife also staying with him). I was ok with this as I thought I might help her to avoid the loneliness. After some months she told me that she is not happy with our marriage and she do t love me as much she had before. She started telling me how her friend shows love towards his wife And how fit he is etc.. She started going to gym because he used to tease her as she was little fatty those days. She reduced lot of wait within couple of months. She asked me to get fit because her friend is fit and she wanted to show them that I m also fit. She started comparing. After I returned, we went to his house couple of times. I felt that he is not comfortable with me, like they considered only her their friend and just maintaining a minimum friendship with me as I'm her husband. 
I didn't like their (my wife and his) behaviour while I was at his home. They used to hit each other which I don't like and I felt that his wife also didn't like much. He had quarrel regarding the same once we were back at my house. She told me its normal and I m having complex.  
Anyways this guy is out of state now.
My problem now is everyday we are having fight. She is gettinf upset with me on almost everything. She is talking in high volume that neighbours also can hear. She is behaving rudely and not taking care of me. Sex is limited and only on my request. If I need peace then I have to said yes to everything and have to be very much careful on my replies otherwise small things will lead to fights. She used to chat with her friend, evenif she is upset because of he is not speaking much to her my wife will be upset with me and fighting with me by creating some issues. I asked her to stop talking to this friend which she don't agree because she is telling they are her best friends. Iam living through hell every day. Don't even happy to go home after working hour. Tell me friends How can I win her back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Kick her out. See if this other man will take care of her.

Never try to win back someone who doesn't want you.

Aside from that, she's got to cut off the friendship, make her choose, him or you. If she chooses him, go back to my 1st sentence.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Anytime a spouse is defensive/argumentative/protective about an opposite sex friend it's usually for two reasons:

THEY ARE INTERESTED IN THEM SEXUALLY or THEY ALREADY HAD AN AFFAIR.

Your wife should never choose such friends over you, her husband. She's absolutely wrong in doing so. That said, you have to make her choose. Him or you, but she cannot have both. Stick to your guns on this and don't let her talk you into submission. She can treat you with respect and love, or she can pack a bag and leave.


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## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

I won't kick her out unless she had an affair. The problem here is she is not interested in me now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NormalHusband said:


> I won't kick her out unless she had an affair. The problem here is she is not interested in me now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And there's a reason WHY she's not interested. I just gave it to you above...

You can bury your head in the sand like most people do when they go through this, saying she wouldn't do this or that, but her affection is going SOMEWHERE. Do some digging if you have to. From the little you have said here about this 'friend' you sir have an interloper in your relationship. She told you it's normal, and it is NOT normal.


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## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think she had an affair, but she is emotionally attached to him and we are kind of emotionally separated. Any ways to improve my position. Already started going to gym to reduce weight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NormalHusband said:


> I don't think she had an affair, but she is emotionally attached to him and we are kind of emotionally separated. Any ways to improve my position. Already started going to gym to reduce weight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know affairs aren't only physical. As a matter of fact, the worse kind is the emotional one. Those are much harder to get over/through. Women invest in a man emotionally before they do physically, not the way most men do which is physically first and then emotionally.

Besides sitting her down and spelling it out to her, there isn't much you can do. You can't MAKE her love you. You can't MAKE her want to work on your relationship. What you can do is tell her what you want, then give her the option to work on it with you or not. If she doesn't want to, start taking care of yourself. Go to the gym, eat right... live your life. Maybe she'll get the picture and want to turn things around once she sees you taking care of yourself. If she doesn't, then you will be in a better place emotionally to make some tough decisions.


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## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> And there's a reason WHY she's not interested. I just gave it to you above...
> 
> You can bury your head in the sand like most people do when they go through this, saying she wouldn't do this or that, but her affection is going SOMEWHERE. Do some digging if you have to. From the little you have said here about this 'friend' you sir have an interloper in your relationship. She told you it's normal, and it is NOT normal.


I also don't think it's normal. But no proof of any affair. Also now he is away, so too less chance to find out if anything exists.
Some reasons for her rude behaviour.
1. After marriage I have gained some weight. Now I'm 175 lb. I have to reduce it to 155lb.
2. I was not always romantic. Or didn't romantic like her friends towards his wife.
3. I don't like this particular friend. In her views I'm trying to cut her friendship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NormalHusband said:


> I also don't think it's normal. But no proof of any affair. Also now he is away, so too less chance to find out if anything exists.
> Some reasons for her rude behaviour.
> 1. After marriage I have gained some weight. Now I'm 175 lb. I have to reduce it to 155lb.
> 2. I was not always romantic. Or didn't romantic like her friends towards his wife.
> ...


So if you lost weight, romanced her daily and let her keep chatting up this 'friend', you believe everything will be better?

I'm not convinced and I don't even know you.


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## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

I couldn't find anything sexual in their messages, they r using FB. I have access to her account. She agreed to let me know if she replays to any of his messages. But whenever we are discussing about no contact, it leads to a fight. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NormalHusband said:


> I couldn't find anything sexual in their messages, they r using FB. I have access to her account. She agreed to let me know if she replays to any of his messages. But whenever we are discussing about no contact, it leads to a fight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It leads to a fight because she's getting an emotional high from talking to him. Affairs are not always sexual. She fights you because you want to remove that emotional high.

She's attached to this man emotionally in a way she should be attached to YOU.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

Unfortunately giving space might be the best way for you right now. I would also suggest doing your own thing and get her interested in you again.


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## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

If I ask her for no contact with this guy. She might do it. But then she will accuse me for ending their friendship which is very normal in her views and she might not be attached to me. That's my concern.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NormalHusband said:


> If I ask her for no contact with this guy. She might do it. But then she will accuse me for ending their friendship which is very normal in her views and she might not be attached to me. That's my concern.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's not attached to you now but the difference will be there would be no distractions on her part. She can't work on anything with you if she is still communicating with this other man. He is getting all the love and what are you getting?


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## Balzaar (Aug 29, 2013)

Op you need to go back and look at your responses. You are getting the correct counsel. You have some tough choices to make but at the end of the day your wife is choosing him over you. She is emotionally connected to him not you. She is using your lack of fitness as a weapon against you. 

It is time for you to take the lead a bit. Tell her your not going to put up with this any longer. He goes or she leaves. In cases like these ultimatums are good if you have the stones to follow through.

Once again your wife is having an affair. Maybe there is no physical but you have to admit the emotional connection they have trumps your relationship with her. Think about it and do something about it. 

You will get solid advice here. None of it will be particularly easy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A year is a long time to be apart, esp in a new marriage. She disconnected from you during that time, so what have you done to try to reconnect with your wife? You can't come back after an absence like that and expect to pick up where you left off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> A year is a long time to be apart, esp in a new marriage. She disconnected from you during that time, so what have you done to try to reconnect with your wife? You can't come back after an absence like that and expect to pick up where you left off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Win what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The both of you need to read the book NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass.

You wife is having an emotional affair. Google it.

There is a link below. Get the other book for yourself.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If she's unwilling to end this friendship with this other man, if she's unwilling to send him a very clear signal that his actions are unwanted then it means he is filling some sort of emotional need of hers like for attention or compliments or admiration or whatever her emotional needs are. Now your efforts to win her by being fit and romantic won't really work while he's in the picture. To use an analogy, you're pouring water into a cup that's already full. That other man is pouring water into her emotional glass and while you can try to do the same thing, you won't be able to fill it up since it's already full with what he's put in there first ahead of you. In order for you to succeed, the other man has to be out of the picture and your wife has to be willing to work on the marriage. It takes both of you to make it succeed, not just you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

NormalHusband said:


> If I ask her for no contact with this guy. She might do it. But then she will accuse me for ending their friendship which is very normal in her views and she might not be attached to me. That's my concern.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If this is your attitude, then both you and your marriage are doomed. *She will be having sex with him* if you don't end contact now.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

NormalHusband said:


> I don't think she had an affair, but she is emotionally attached to him and we are kind of emotionally separated. Any ways to improve my position. Already started going to gym to reduce weight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 You can go to the gym until your blue in the face and if you get down to the weight you want, it won't matter one bit because she'll find something else to fight about. 

Too many times I've seen guys look the other way when it comes to their wives change in behavior. It's like whistling through the graveyard. She may not be having a PA but you can bet the house that she's having an EM.

There comes a point in time when you have to stop back pedaling and let her know that your up to your ears with her ignorance and if it doesn't stop now, she will be facing a life changing event that she won't like one bit. Be firm and when you tell her, make sure you are real clear and you look her square in the eye when you say it. And what ever you do don't be intimidated by her threats. Do that and you lose.


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## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

Thank you all for the support. Decided to ask her for no contact with this guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NormalHusband (Sep 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> A year is a long time to be apart, esp in a new marriage. She disconnected from you during that time, so what have you done to try to reconnect with your wife? You can't come back after an absence like that and expect to pick up where you left off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I used to call her 3-4 times per day when I was away.
We went for trips after I'm back. I used to share my office/outside news with her.
Used to help her in kitchen and laundry.
Used to go out for dinner.
I felt that she didn't want to share anything with me. Even if I ask about her day, answer was on one word "it was good".
It's unfair, I went away for the extra money ( we were not financially stable then). It was out own decision, not my own.
Now If I do 180 also, she don't care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

NormalHusband said:


> Thank you all for the support. Decided to ask her for no contact with this guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You do not ask her, you tell her to write a no contact letter which you will mail to him. Also tell her if she refuses to do so you will consider the marriage over.

You put the ball in her court. If she writes it and sticks with it, then she might want to give this marriage a go, if she will not do it, then you know she wants him more than you and you can not force her to love you.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

NormalHusband, you are getting some sound advise here, however, you are just coming back with but, but, but.

You don't want to be tough with your wife, and that is understandable, however, there are many people here who can recount stories of how they found themselves with a cheating spouse because they were too nice to set and enforce marital boundaries.

Sure, she might have a little fit, she might be cross with you, she might sulk, but, at the end of the day, you have set the boundaries of what you consider appropriate behaviour. If she crosses the line or refuses to let go of the other man, you follow through with the consequences you will have discussed (not threatened) with her.

As the others have also said, a year is a long time to be apart. Women detach from their SO's if there is a prolonged absence, and it seems that she has developed an unhealthy attachment to this other man, which will not end well for either marriage.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

From how you desribe her, I think she will be easier to replace than to repair. Filling out some divorce paperwork will not be a wasted exercise, i don't think.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

NormalHusband said:


> I felt that she didn't want to share anything with me. Even if I ask about her day, answer was on one word "it was good".
> It's unfair, I went away for the extra money ( we were not financially stable then). It was out own decision, not my own.
> Now If I do 180 also, she don't care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


-Then ask her "what was good about it?" Don't let her get away with this stuff. I understand how draining the one-word reply is, because I used to deal with it, but when I made it clear through actions I wasn't going to let my husband get away with short answers he changed.

- It sounds like this "mutual" decision is something you're resentful over. Did you feel like you had no choice when you made this decision? I wonder if that's something you two should talk honestly about.

- She'll act like she doesn't care, but she really does. Right now she feeds off the excitement, not only of being with him in secret and hiding the relationship, but from your reactions. When you stop reacting to her, you cut off some of her excitement and drama. She'll notice.

If you want to save this marriage, no contact and 180. That might be enough to snap her out of it. If not there are plenty of beautiful women out there who would appreciate a good man.


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