# Is there any hope left?



## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Glad I found this place. Misery loves company I guess. My wife told me back in April that she was unhappy. She said she was confused and that she didn't know much more then that. So I spent the time since then trying to be a much better husband then i was prior. Last Wednesday she told me that she thinks I'm the reason she's unhappy. She said she's built up a bunch of resentment towards me over the years. She said she loves me but doesn't feel any romantic love anymore.

I threw up upon hearing this.

She recently lost over 100 lbs, she got a tummy tuck, (which I paid for). She looks awesome now and I've told her how proud I am of her and how beautiful she looks. She was staying home with the kids and I work at home but make enough to support our family of 4 kids without her working. 

I got the feeling that she needed more social interation though. So this year she's going back to work.

My issue is I was a workaholic. I work online and run several of my own websites. I would spend excessive amounts of time doing this. I was so worried about making enough money for us to live comfortably for the rest of our lives that I put her and the kids second. I am an idiot and never should have done.

She said that with her weight loss, she started gaining more and more self esteem, (rightly so). She said that she will no longer accept things in her life that she would when she was fat and didn't have as high self esteem. She then started going over times when she'd take the kids out and I wouldn't go because I had to work.

Our sex life doesn't exist for the past 7 months. (Since she started doing her rapid weight loss program). (She lost the weight over a bit longer then a year total though).

Anyhow, I suggested, that yes I was a workoholic. I grew up very poor in a single parent household. My father deserted us when I was 9 years old. I thought that being a provider and making sure money was never an issue was the primary role of the father. (I"ve never had a Dad in my life to tell me different). I did help with the kids, I'd put them to bed, I'd take them out once in a while, but she did most of it. I thought she was ok with this. I personally wasn't all that happy being a workaholic.

She started avoiding me and after her 2 a day workouts, she'd then take off at night for "coffee" with her friends, she'd come home and go right to bed, again avoiding me. She went out twice with some single friends and came home at 4:00 am drunk as a skunk. She hadn't done that in years. We've been married 12 years and she rarely drinks anything. I am not sure and I have asked her if there's someone else, but she says no there isn't.

Anyhow, I told her I will change as I wasn't happy with myself either. But she says she doesn't believe it and that I can't change just for her. She said she doesn't want a roomate, and neither do I.

I suggested we go to counseling to get a professional to help us work through this since she still does love me, just not romantically because of all the built up resentment she's got for me at the moment. She said I was an excellent provider, poor husband and lazy father. 

That crushed me.

I have never felt so low in my life. I go through wild mood swings from tears to depression and anger with myself for doing this to her. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything but her. She's got the kids at her parents right now for a couple days and I fear that she's going to come home and ask for a divorce.

I don't want that ever. I love her too much and I do not want the kids to go through what I did as a child. I have accepted that I am partly to blame for this and am going to counseling with or without her for my first session next week. I suggested that she may be in the midst of a mid life crisis too, she didn't like that. I then thought her rapid weight loss has done something to change all the chemicals and hormones in her body, she didn't like that.

I truely feel she is in her mid life crisis though. I accept I'm not perfect and should never have been a workaholic and I am changing that going forward. My goal is to make her the number one priority in my life and the kids. Work can happen during whatever time is left.

Oh and one last thing. We've lived together, worked together, gone to university togther and now have been home together for 17 years total, (12 married). So I really think we just need some time apart more to help with our relationship. She's always had a hard time accepting that when I'm at home working, i have to work. I can't just drop it and go out during the day whenever I please. I have done that though, so maybe I gave her that perception by accident.

Anyhow, is there any hope left? Am I on the path to becoming a divorced dad? 

I want her back 100% and am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I love her so much it's killing me right now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

There is hope but odds are definately stacked up against you. Losing weight and going out till the morning is not helping your marraige. If she's no in an affair she will be shortly.

You being a 'workaholic' is not a reson to build a resentment, its a bs excuse for her wanting something better then you. With the recent weight loss and single friends she is thinking the grass is greener on the other side. 

Do you work out yourself? Are you fit, get decent attention from other females? Have a look into books 'married men sex life primer' and 'no more mr nice guy'.

In the mean time read the 180 list and implement it ASAP.


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## An72 (Jul 1, 2012)

Come on man, don’t give up that easy!! You work out quiet hard as I can see…nothing yet! Is sudden...if she still love you – there is a hope! Great hope! 
1. You should realize that despise all your efforts and financial support she obviously was not the happiest wife in town….just because she needed you probably so many times for her, for the kids and you wasn’t there and the excuse was unbreakable “the financial stability of the family..”.. that build up anger from inside …and also gain kilos for some people that are more sensitive… so what you could do here..

2. Re – organize your time completely. Shared with her those thoughts – not empty promises – share your soul, no excuses! Put your thoughts and re- organisation on paper - . Give it to her for feedback and opinion – those things need to be played of two people and she need to stuck to it and kick you and remind you all the time – bad rutines are easy to fall back to…ask her for help here – it will give her a power OVER the situation…. fallow it without anger…..

3.If you succeed in this way to gain her trust, stick to it and spoil your sweet heart as much as your imagination can do – that all should do it….but stand up , stop the excuses, don’t fall in dark thinking and act on it.

Succes man!


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I am becoming more of an optimist as I age so I would say that there is always hope. 

It's a good thing that you are going to counseling with or without her. Now obviously it would be better WITH her but you can only control what you do. Have you heard of that book His Needs/Her Needs? Evidently it is supposed to be a very good book for determining what it is that both of you want/need from your relationship. Lot's of people here seem to like it and I just bought it myself. 

Now if she is determined to leave the relationship, there may not be much that you can do. Believe me, I know that resentments can build up and be difficult to overcome without the will to do so. However if she is willing to even try (i.e. going to counseling), that is a very good sign, imo, that she is willing.

I have to be honest with you. Your relationship sounds a LOT like mine. I lost interest in my husband and had a lot of resentment towards him. I did try to get him to go to counseling with me earlier on but he refused. So since he wouldn't do it nor would he talk about our issues, I decided to improve myself (got a good job, lost weight, gave up drinking, made new friends, etc.) and go on with my life. Along that route, I lost him and really didn't care to get him back. Needless to say we are divorcing. This is not to bring you down but to bring you back to what I said earlier. If she is even one little bit interested in working on your relationship, have hope! I did not but that is not to say that she doesn't. You sound like a good man and provider who, for a while, forgot to make her and the family the #1 priority.

I have my fingers crossed for you. Good luck!


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate it. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. As for me, I used to be very fit, but I overtrained and lost interest. I plateau'd, couldn't get any bigger, didn't want to use steroids ever and couldn't get back into it. When my wife got pregnant, I gained weight right with her like a good husband.

Now I'm not in shape and it really bothers me. I play sports still, basketball, baseball, golf and volleyball, but I've noticed that my speed is no where near what it used to be. I want that back and as part of my changes I'm getting my old body back with or without her. 

I figure, hell if she doesn't want me like this and I'm not happy like this, then how in the hell would a new lady even be interested? So time to fix that too regardless. So my keg is going to go back to a six pack again.


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## An72 (Jul 1, 2012)

maybe getting in shape is a good starting point...for doing something together.....if she wants to be your "personal fintess instructor" in the same jim...) he he you should listen for some time to the expirience...)) ..together with all the rest in the list...yes...I think you are starting to pull your self together...sure you could think for something more to add nest to it...


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I agree that there is always hope as long as BOTH parties are willing to participate and give 100%. 

But if she makes up her mind to leave (not wishing that on you), let her go. She'll discover that the grass isn't greener. 

She has a new body and new lease on life. So I think that she's now re-discovering herself, albeit in a not so savory way. Hopefully she will realize that the fun and games and drunk nights aren't what life is all about. It is family that matters the most.

I hope that everything works out for the best for both of you.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

so let me get this straight. you support this woman for years, pay for her to go to a gym, get a tummy tuck, and now she is going out and saying she is doubting her relationship and love for you?

dude, i would tell her not to go out, smarten up. If she went anyway i would suggest she not bother coming back and not even talk to me unless we are planning visitation schedules. i would also take the liberty to go out, get trashed and bring a woman home even if i didnt intend on sleeping with her just to see the reaction on her face.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

bribrius said:


> so let me get this straight. you support this woman for years, pay for her to go to a gym, get a tummy tuck, and now she is going out and saying she is doubting her relationship and love for you?
> 
> dude, i would tell her not to go out, smarten up. If she went anyway i would suggest she not bother coming back and not even talk to me unless we are planning visitation schedules. i would also take the liberty to go out, get trashed and bring a woman home even if i didnt intend on sleeping with her just to see the reaction on her face.


I wouldn't suggest going quite that route...


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

An72 said:


> maybe getting in shape is a good starting point...for doing something together.....if she wants to be your "personal fintess instructor" in the same jim...) he he you should listen for some time to the expirience...)) ..together with all the rest in the list...yes...I think you are starting to pull your self together...sure you could think for something more to add nest to it...


The BEST advice I ever got from a therapist was to start working out. Just made me feel "clear" and helped me see things without all my crazyness.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but she's meet someone else

She's used the typical cheaters line that I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

So last night I spent a couple hours at the hospital, I had my first series of panic attacks ever. That was great! The doctor felt bad for me but just did an ecg to make sure my heart was ok and then gave me some pills to help if the next panic attack happens.

Anyhow, I firmly believe there is another guy. I even think I know who it is. He recently seperated from his wife and the timelines are matching up perfectly. He's a trainer and I want to ask my wife if she's cool with me taking him out for a coffee and asking him about training and how he's handling his seperation. Is that a good idea? My plan is to be super nice to him and then ask outright if I get the feeling he's not being honest. My plan is also to see what my wife even says about that idea. I figure if she hesitates or doesn't want me to, then I've got a pretty good idea of what's really happening.

I'm still going through wild mood swings and I'm still all alone in this big house. My buddy and I are going to a movie tonight, but I can't get my mind off this for the past 4 days.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Depends on your goal. Do you want divorce or your wife to magically change and run back to you?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hmmm tough one.
ask her if she minds if you get a girlfriend and see what she says. If she says you can do whatever you want then tell her thats good because you already have a girlfriend and see what she says.

i always have better luck figuring out someones mental state by pushing buttons and getting their reactions personally. i dont read minds and im too dense to guess.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Isuck,

Rather than speculate, INVESTIGATE. Do not talk to the trainer guy (if you haven't already) or tell your wife that you want to.

Quietly set about doing the following if you can:

1 - Put a voice activated recorder under the front seat of her car with heavy duty Velcro (purchase 2 VARs so you can switch out)
2 - Put a key logger on the PC in case she comes back to the house
3 - review the cell phone usage on-line and look for alot of texts/calls to one or two numbers and the timing of the calls
4 - Take her name off of all joint credit cards and move 1/2 the money in any joint accounts into accounts with just your name on them
5 - Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are
6 - Look up the 180 here on TAM and implement full force

Keep posting and let us know what you find out


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I have asked her time and time again about an affair, I even stated I knew who I thought it was and she was adamant that there's nobody else. She insists it's all the mistakes I made watching our kids in the past and not caring enough for her in the past. She gave about 4 real examples that I just felt horrible about. I apologized and told her that the next time those things happen, the result will be 100% different.

She's got a big wall up, but she's still here and I'm trying to break it down as much as I can. I spoke to one of her closest girlfriends 2 nights ago and we had a good 45 minute chat. Her girlfriend told me to not give up and keep fighting for her. That was my plan this whole time anyway.

I've lost 24 lbs since this happened now, ran 3 times been to the gym to lift weights 3 times and have been on a diet too. I'm committed to losing weight and getting my old body back again. I also snore really bad and have sleep apnea, so I'm going to go to the sleep disorder clinic and see if I can get a fix while I'm losing weight and getting healthy again. But she is also now at the point where she'll go to counseling. I told her that counseling is not just a quick fix to say everything's fine and we're back together. BUT we need to go so that regardless of what happens I can be friends with her after this is over.

Wish me luck as I know I'm hanging by a very thin thread.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

There are enough red flags of cheating that you should investigate. If you can, check her cell phone bill and see if there are an extreme amount of calls/texts to any single number, especially calls/texts late at night, when you are asleep or not around.

Don't talk to the trainer and stop asking your wife about it.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Just an update, she has found a house and is moving out.

It's over.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

So sorry to hear that. How are you holding up?


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I'm not holding up. Life sucks. She will not let go of the past. I've totally changed everything about me that was wrong. I wasn't happy with myself either. I'm down 34 lbs since this started, working on myself and was trying to make up for all the times I wasn't being a good husband.

I'm not allowed to touch her now, if I compliment her, she says it makes her feel awkward. She says she needs her own time and space so she can have some clarity. I suggested she stay here and we'd take turns giving her some space, (she goes away then comes back and I go away), but that's not good enough.

I just went to the house she rented and it's fine, but I hate it. Last night I had to ask her if she got the house or not. I have to pull teeth. She doesn't believe any of the changes I have made will last. She doubts me, doesn't believe in me and just doesn't really give a **** anymore.

I'm starting to have some feelings that I don't like either about her and that scares me.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

I wish I had something insightful to say.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Let her go. She's made up her mind and there isn't anything you can do to change it. 

Sometimes we have to let something go in order to get it back. If she doesn't come back, she did you a favor. She left the door open for someone else who will love and appreciate YOU, faults and all. 

In the meantime, keep taking care of yourself and making yourself better. And, keep posting here on TAM. We're here to help.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Isuck, as we've told earlier she already moved onto another man. As much as its hurting you right now you need to be cold and emotionless with her. She already made her decision and so should you. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks but you need to detach yourself from her to ease your own pain. Good luck and report back if you have any more questions.


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

I hate to say this, but you need to take a step back and realize why you want this person so badly. It is scary, I am right there with you. This is a very scary thing, one of the scariest. Yet, no matter what, you will make it out to the other side and no matter what you will be better for it. Don't lose hope because there will be happiness again.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

That is the feelings I'm started to have more and more now. Why would I even want this person anymore. I told her that I thought an alien abducted her one night, removed her brain and returned her body but not her soul. She didn't like that. I'm starting to feel like I'm not attracted to her as she is right now at all. I mean I love her physically but the emotional side is taking a kicking and I think my self preservation mode is kicking in.

I don't like the selfish person she has become at all. Maybe I should just accept it and let her go. Then it scares me because what if she ever wants to come back and I don't want her back anymore? She's cut some deep wounds emotionally into me.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Isuck said:


> I told her that I thought an alien abducted her one night, removed her brain and returned her body but not her soul.


Many of us here on TAM have the same thoughts about our WS. It's amazing how many of them turn(ed) into a completely different person. Totally unrecognizable. 



Isuck said:


> what if she ever wants to come back and I don't want her back anymore?


Yes, that may happen. But what if it doesn't happen? The point is _you don't know _what is going to happen. Regardless, you can't let this (this = fear) stop you from living your life. Otherwise, you'll be in limbo indefinitely.


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

I don't know the ages here, but is it possible that she is going through a mid-life crisis? I know that it seems you are staring infidelity in the face but i think that there is a possibility here that there really isn't another person. I mean, honestly, why would she continue to lie if she is already gone? 

This isn't meant to bring up false hope but just to provide another perspective.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I've mentioned that to her as well, she's 36. She gets angry when I ask her if she's going through a mid life crisis. She tells me that's just an excuse and a way to take the blame off me. Nice.

Just an update. I'm down 45 lbs in one month now. It's not from not eating though, I eat 5 times a day. It's from dieting, running and lifting weights. My goal is to drop 100 lbs just like she did, but I'm doing it alone, not with any trainer. Physically I feel the best I have in a decade or more. Mentally I'm getting there too.

I had my first counseling session this week and my counselor is great. He's got tons of experience and we're working on things. He said to not worry about things I cannot control and to pretty much do that 180 thing that everyone talks about. (He just called it switching from pursuer to distancer). I agree and have been doing so. Now when she's out, I don't ask any questions. I'm friendly, but not a big puddle of tears like I used to be. I feel like my body is moving on and it's dragging my mind with it.

She moves out today and it's her first night staying at her house. She has the kids tonight and tomorrow night I get them. We're still working on a schedule for custody. 

Maybe I should be in the "going through seperation/divorce" section of this site now?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Good to hear you're losing even more weight. Keep improving yourself. Buy new clothes/shoes, change your hair style a bit. Do these only to improve yourself, not to get back your wife. Unfortunately she seems a lost cause. By the time she realizes what she lost, she wont be anything near of what she is today.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Last night was the first official night of our seperation. 

I think I'm giving up now and just moving on alone.


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