# When your worlds apart with parenting?



## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi..I have posted before about my husband and I and our marriage...most recent here
talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/71035-feeling-utterly-worn-down-so-so-tired.html#post1596780

We have three children (6, 3 and 2) and have always been conflicted on parenting...he is much harder on the children, short tempered with them and generally a bit jekyle and hyde so the kids never know how to take him. He is very authoritarian with them and just this morning he has yelled at our two year old for touching the sand pit...telling her that he us the adult and she the little girl and she needs to learn to listen  it breaks my heart as she is just only 2. He very rarely chooses to do anything with them and if we do go out for the day or a picnic its usually ruined by some form of shouting and balling/telling off. 

Again youngest has just been told off for standing on the laptop...im of the thinking that it shouldnt be on the floor in the first place!!

We row constantly about the kids. ..iv told him he is pushing them away and our son who is the middle child has awful temper issues that im sure come from watching his father 

Is it possible to ever reach a happy place with parenting when your so far apart??

Thanks for reading.
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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

No. 

You will always be sending mixed messages and the kids will develop alliances with one parent, which will create more tension.

You have to come together and counseling is probably a good place to start.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stop fighting about it and start talking, compromising, and figuring it out.

Is he unwilling to even listen to your point of view?

What does he say when you call him out on this stuff?


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Sorry I should have mentioned we did MC For 6 months last year...the sessions were great but as soon as we got home it went back to normal again.

The children already see daddy as the tough one and he often upsets them over nothing more than normal kid stuff.
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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Sorry tacoma we posted at the same time...when I call him out on it he gets insanely defensive and we wind up arguing...every single time.
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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

I can't see this resolving without outside help...you need counselling with someone who addresses parenting skills. He does not respect your viewpoint....if MC helped before, regular counselling to address parenting would help...having an impartial third party. You may very well have things to improve as well...possibly too lenient, (not saying you are, but I'm suggesting since you're both so far apart maybe you both have to compromise to a consistent parenting pattern). I do feel you need to be firm with kids...even 2 year olds, but yelling certainly isn't the way. Kids need to see consistency from both parents, otherwise they gravitate towards one or play you two off each other.


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Today is just as bad...H has been working from home to help me out since im poorly and in bed and its been a battle of parenting again...his short tempered outbursts upsetting the children...middle child (almost 4) got a roasting for takibg a pillow downstairs because he thought his little sister would like it (nemo one) so he is up here all upset and worried because daddy is cross with him...but then when daddy comes up here asking whats wrong son replies 'nothing daddy'. Then the stressing, shouting and storming around. The offering kuds pizza for tea when I had already asked him not to give them junk for tea again...then making a big deal telling them they cant have pizza because mummy said no. 

I feel like its driving me mad...he just came storming up here to tell me that its not only about what I think or say and he will change things as he sees fit...I have no problem with him taking responsibility but I wish he would at least take on board my concerns 
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but I would have divorced his sorry ass by now. He is abusive and his kids, no matter how hard you try to make up for him, will either become abusive themselves or will become victims and look for partners who abuse them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read these and read them out loud to your husband.

Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting

"Kids raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become independent, self-reliant, socially accepted, academically successful, and well-behaved. They are less likely to report depression and anxiety, and less likely to engage in antisocial behavior like delinquency and drug use.
• Permissive parents are reluctant to impose rules and standards, preferring to let their kids regulate themselves. 
• Authoritarian parents demand a sort of blind obedience from their children. 
• Authoritative parents take a different, more moderate approach that emphasizes setting high standards, being nurturing and responsive, and showing respect for children as independent, rational beings. The authoritative parent expects maturity and cooperation, and offers children lots of emotional support. "
The authoritative parenting style: A guide for the science-minded parent

Authoritative Parenting Involves Balance

Authoritative Parenting - A Style for Long Term Success | Foundations Counseling LLC

"As a parent, you are in charge. This automatically makes you authoritative unless you abdicate your parental place. Being able to keep things moving evenly is important in every household. All parents need for their children to see them as the authority figure in the home. Crossing the line from authoritative to authoritarian is not considered a positive move.
The authoritarian parent is a dictator. "My way or the highway" is the trademark attitude of this type of parent and personality. Often parents who operate this way will work hard to not only enforce rules but perspectives, ideals, and morals. While this is not all bad, most of these concepts are better taught by leading than by preaching. This style of parenting removes choice from the child. Children are discouraged from thinking for themselves or exploring other options or opinions than the one held by the parent.

Authoritarian parents often believe saying it louder is better. When that doesn't work, beating it into them might be the next ploy. They do not stand for any variance from their opinions or actions. When questioned about why something is done a certain way, the answer will be one form or another of: "Because I said so!" These parents are frequently embarrassed by their children's actions because they expect something from them that exceeds perfection.

Authoritative parents tend to have the respect of their children because they are in charge but not dictatorial. Children are allowed a measure of flexibility in negotiating rules like bedtime. The children obey because they see the principles driving the rules being lived out in the lives of the parents.

People who practice authoritative parenting are not afraid to have their ideas or ideals challenged. They tend to believe that if something won't stand up to examination, it may not be valid. The are confident enough in themselves to remove the aspect of regarding any challenge as a personal affront to their authority. They know they are in control because they are the parents. It isn't necessary to become overbearing to prove the point."
A Comparison of Authoritarian and Authoritative Parenting Styles - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My ex was like this - not quite as bad as yours but nearly

The result is that now we are divorced, the child he was a stepfather to since she was 2 years old (she's now 16) has no interest in seeing him at all. She's glad he's gone and no longer has to walk on eggshells. That's what your kids are doing. That's what you're doing. I know because that's what I did.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing - I should have got out years ago. You need to really consider what you want for the future, it sounds like he's pretty unpleasant to live with


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

My wife and I have a similar problem. She is a 'one size fits all' parent and the style she uses is the same one her parents used on her and her 2 sisters about 40 years ago. (She has had no ocontact with her sisters for about 12 years and limited contact with her parents.)

I use a 'contingent' style of parenting which is based on a management style which I have used effectively. Contingent management recognizes different situations require different interventions. I also recognise that children are different with different strengths, weaknesses and needs and that these change with their development.

Our boys are good natured, well balanced, popular boys. (Now 13 and 11.) W is happy to take credit when everything is good but when they slip up W always blames my parenting style.

Consequently we argue quite a bit about parenting.

I have very few rules. Just 5 actually and 2 of them are 'no brainers.' 

1 Safety first (a no brainer)
2 Respect your mother (Another no brainer. I had to include this one when my step children were young and out of hand. I met her when they were boy 5 and girl 6.)
3. Truth is the ONLY way.
4 Say what you mean and mean what you say. (Teenagers were really bad at this.)
5 Set a good example (this catches everything else like manners and swearing and etiquitte etc).

Kids can handle these small number of rules and I consistantly enforce them. When I say something the boys know I will follow through.

It appears to me that DW parenting style is motivated by laziness (it's the way she was parented and she doesn't have to think about it) and convenience (kids do more/she does less).

In parenting, she is very quick to bring out the 'big guns' and if things escalate she has nowhere to take the encounter. There is no 'contingent' approach.

Anyway, the point is, it is just another cause of conflict in our marriage.


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks for all your replies. Since I posted this 17 days ago I told my husband that I thought we had hit a big low in our attempted R. He didnt see what the issue was and couldnt understand why I was so upset with him about certain things. 

Parenting is clearly always going to be a conflict in our marriage but I laid it on the table and told him that whilst I was all for reaching as much of a middle ground that we could that there were some things that I just couldnt compromise on.

He is in IC at the moment and we are doing MC too and over the last two weeks we have talked it through with our MC and he has apparently discussed it with his IC and things seem a bit better. I made a list of the things that I felt were important (love, calmness, patience etc) and said WHY i felt they were important and then he did the same....then we wrote lists of the things we felt were unaceptable from each other and also why we felt that way and we swapped lists...its helped us to work better on what each other think becuase its there clear as day in the lists. We have worked out a joint parenting 'strategy' which is a mix of the two of our 'important' lists and also the 'unacceptable' lists taking each others thoughts into account we are both working really hard on sticking to them...hopefully this will help us feel more united in parenting which I think in turn will help other aspects of our marriage.

Today we took the kids to choose a new DVD, then they chose a snack each and we got the duvets down on the sofa, closed the curtains and wached the dvd together and it was brilliant...loved every second with the children and with H 

Our son has just been reffered for assesment for behavioural issues so its been a tough week for us emotionally and I feel like we have been there for each other this week much more than we have been for anything since we started R. Fingers crossed we are on the right path


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. Did you do any reading on the Authoritative Parenting that I linked? I would read it out loud to your H if I were you.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> Sorry, but I would have divorced his sorry ass by now. He is abusive and his kids, no matter how hard you try to make up for him, will either become abusive themselves or will become victims and look for partners who abuse them.


I think that is a bit extreme...

I grew up with this situation, as my dad was the yeller/screamer and my mom was much more calm. They'd argue a lot, in private or in front of us, on how to handle situations. My oldest brother and I pulled away and would shut out my dad, while my other brother learned from his bad temper. As an adult, I purposefully looked for a man who was very calm and wouldn't yell. My husband is basically the opposite of what my dad was and does not raise his voice. 

Obviously it's not a great way to grow up, but it doesn't mean it is automatically detrimental to the kids. I'm glad that you are both in counseling in order to help work this out and it's nice to see that you got to do something as a family. Hopefully it continues to go in that direction.


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> Sounds good. Did you do any reading on the Authoritative Parenting that I linked? I would read it out loud to your H if I were you.


Sorry I only just saw this...I emailed him the links to read at his own pace...he gets really defensive and stressed out if I push things too hard  

This morning we have had a rough time...he was taking our eldest to school as he is working from home and there was alot of shouting, screaching and basically him telling our son that its about time he listened and learnt and he doesnt know why he has to tell him things 100 times before he listens etc etc etc (son turned 4 last sunday), telling him off for not shutting the baby gate in the living room so our youngest got out, telling him off for touching the trike in the hallway, telling him that if he asks him about the transformers wii game once more then it will go in the bin (son is very excited about the transformers game and wanted H to play with him later).

He says that I get mad too at times and thats not acceptable either but I cant get it through to him that this isnt a competition about who gets more stressed? for me I get worked up when im trying to get them all out the door sure I do but I can get them all out with minimal shouting etc by 8.30am...when its him doing it he is stressed and screaching at them and daughter is always late  I dont understand how I can make parenting easier on him 

Im just feeling a bit delfated this morning  he has stormed out telling me that he is going to the office as he is sick of this. I cant make him understand how much of a kick in the face it is when he is shouting and balling at ONE child yet he calls me out on getting stressed at the end of the day when iv had all three by myself 

He has an IC appt first thing this morning after school drop off so im hoping he is calmer when he comes back (if he does) but I know that I will get the 'where do we go from here line' its like he is waiting for us to seperate again...like he sees that option all the time.

Some days I just want to shake him


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to go to his next IC appointment with him and inform his therapist what the REAL problem is, ok?

I'm serious. That IC has NO idea what he is like, I guarantee. In fact, he has probably been told that YOU are a ***** and how can he live with you?

And PLEASE understand that your children are being abused. If you don't step up and STOP HIM, they will grow up to abuse THEIR kids or become a victim to an abusive partner.

These are your kids, ok? It's YOUR job to protect them, no matter if you keep this man in your life or not.


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Well he left me for the second time yesterday (we are In R) he told the children its because I didnt want him here...way ti turn it on me  im numb, hurt, scared and alone with three small children. He took the key to my car throwing the stroller outside the first door. He didnt take the car but just didnt want me to be able to use it (I found the spare key). He said he was filing for bankruptcy so I would loose the house and car anyway. The nasty texts continue about how it's my fault...
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meh, no surprise there. He's a POS and everyone sees it. What did you expect?

Change your phone number. Just takes a phone call...

Have you found a lawyer yet? If you can't afford one, find a resource that will help you. Start NOW so you can get him set up on paying you asap.


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> meh, no surprise there. He's a POS and everyone sees it. What did you expect?
> 
> Change your phone number. Just takes a phone call...
> 
> Have you found a lawyer yet? If you can't afford one, find a resource that will help you. Start NOW so you can get him set up on paying you asap.


I posted a bit more detail in private members section x


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