# She's not getting over it



## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

About two years ago our baby was born extremely prematurely (25 weeks gestation). We had four months where she was in hospital, most of that in intensive care. Obviously this was a very traumatic time for all of us. 

At the time I thought my partner coped very well with the situation. She was very focused in making sure our daughter received the best possible care. 

When our daughter came home at first everything was great. We were amazed/relieved that she had survived and was largely unaffected by her terrible start. I was on a high and loved being a father. 

Things were not so positive for my partner. She became obsessed with prematurity. She spends her time on forums with other premature mothers and doesn't talk about anything else. 

I got bored of the subject quite rapidly and preferred to focus on where our daughter is now (a perfectly healthy and happy little girl). 

Two years down the line and nothing has improved.

In fact things are now worse. She now thinks that she is suffering from depression and anxiety. Depending on who she talks to she has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

I don't think I have been much help. My view is that spending her time talking about prematurity and following other people's disasters (where the babies didn't end up healthy and happy) isn't going to help her get over things. This has resulted in a lot of arguments between us. I also think her drinking, poor diet and lack of exercise is making things worse. Again this results in more shouting when I point this out.

Its seriously frustrating. I went through the whole situation with her. Then did what I could to get over things so I could focus on my family and be a good father. She isn't interested in getting over. I think this is an indulgence. We argue constantly.

I probably sound like a uncaring bastard. Maybe I am.. I want to fix my partner so we can be a family. I dont know what to do now and am at the end of the line...


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

It does sound like she is going through some sort of PTSD. Will she acknowledge this to you? I think counseling would help her to get over this and be able to focus on the here and now.

On the other hand, when life presents us with a difficult situation that we eventually get through, it's possible that our human nature is that we want to hang around others going through the same struggles because we think we can help them. Not sure if this is good or not, but it seems perfectly natural, kind of like an extended grieving process. Even though your child developed okay after the premature birth, it still was a process, filled with a lot of stress and worry and doubts, so she may still have some grieving to do to get over this period of her life.

I can sort of relate to this, as I had a terrible childbirth experience after a great pregnancy, and the fears stayed with me for years. My baby was face forward and her oxygen levels went down so I had to have an emergency C-section. During this process, my uterus tore, I lost a lot of blood, there was screaming and shouting between the doctors and nurses in the operating room, I was in a lot of pain and vomiting, and thought I was going to die based on the activity and mood within the room. My husband had left the room with my daughter to take her to the nursery, and I was afraid that I would die with no 'witness' to see if there was any malpractice involved. (some lack of credibility with my obstetrician but that is another story). Compounding with that, when she was only three weeks old I had my second occurrence of mastitis. I really felt my body was letting me down. My obstetrician wanted me to quit nursing or (reluctantly) go into hospital for stronger IV antibiotics. I was so sick and exhausted but with my husband's support and strong support from my pediatrician, I went back into hospital with my baby. (PED said she would admit my baby to hospital with me if OBS showed any inclination that he would only admit me and not my baby, otherwise, it would kind of defeat the purpose of trying to recover from severe mastitis.) My obs only came to see me 2 - 3 times while I was in, but my pediatrician came by daily. I also got support from LaLeche league to help with her latch and consequently this became a group that I like to hang around with for a few years. They were like-minded strong women doing what they thought was best for their babies. It was part of my recovery process and there I really felt I was understood and belonged. It really does take a few years to recover from traumatic life events, but not every day is a bad one. I just offer this to contemplate if this is what your wife is going through and needs to help her heal. But counseling should also be considered as she seems to be really having a rough time with it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes she has PTSD and all your attempts to 'fix' her will be met with absolute resistance.

Your best bet is to focus on you and solely on you. She isn't going to change until she's ready to and not a day sooner.

Sorry.


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## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

debster said:


> It does sound like she is going through some sort of PTSD. Will she acknowledge this to you? I think counseling would help her to get over this and be able to focus on the here and now.


Yes. Mentioning that she has PTSD is like her mantra. She says it very often and will use it to excuse all sorts of behaviours..




> Even though your child developed okay after the premature birth, it still was a process, filled with a lot of stress and worry and doubts, so she may still have some grieving to do to get over this period of her life.


I have heard this mentioned before, and I don't really get it. What is she grieving for? She hasn't lost anything. I want to u understand, but just can't...



Thanks for sharing your story. What was the best thing your partner could do to help? (Without going mad himself?)


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## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

She did go to counselling for the first year.

In my opinion it just made it worse. The counsellor would basically get her to relive the experience in the Nicu and would then reaffirm to her that it was a terribly traumatic time. She would come back from her sessions incredibly distraught. 

I would have thought a better approach would be to basically get her to focus on her now healthy child and reaffirm to her how blessed she is. 

It just makes much more sense to me, but this doesn't seem to be the way things work... My suggestions about this are not received well at all!


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