# what causes spouse to see all the negatives about u now that she is having affair?



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

My question is that ok, my wife has no problems with me one day and then she goes have an affair and now everything in my life is so wrong to her. I'm to blame for everything, I didn't do enough of this or that yada yada yada....She points out all these minor flaws i have now.

What i'm getting at is why is she like that now? Is it because this douche is putting these thoughts in her head about all the wrong about me, just to make him look good? or is she putting all the blame and faults on me to make her feel better because shes the one that is doing the wrong?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> or is she putting all the blame and faults on me to make her feel better because shes the one that is doing the wrong?


Bingo!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It justifies their cheating. If you "suck" as a human, they feel it's ok to step out.

Don't worry...she's just talking out of her ass.

Believe only 50% of what you hear. Don't believe absolutes and DON'T defend yourself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tigercat said:


> My question is that ok, my wife has no problems with me one day and then she goes have an affair and now everything in my life is so wrong to her. I'm to blame for everything, I didn't do enough of this or that yada yada yada....She points out all these minor flaws i have now.
> 
> What i'm getting at is why is she like that now? Is it because this douche is putting these thoughts in her head about all the wrong about me, just to make him look good? or is she putting all the blame and faults on me to make her feel better because shes the one that is doing the wrong?


you have to vilify someone in order to hurt/betray them


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Yep, all these people are right. You can't hurt one that you love and you can't betray a good spouse. So she has to hate you and think up everything wrong about you to justify what she has done, knowing that she is the one in the wrong.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Justification and blameshifting.

Oh, and the contrast effect of someone who is new and always looks their best when with them and gives them focused attention.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I see, so by her downgrading and belittling me and making everything out to be my fault, it justifies her to go out and have an affair in her mind. She tries to make everyone think its my fault with these excuses but the people that really know us don't believe any of it.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

yea one of her funny excuses now is that i am 26 and still have a "boys job". Funny that this job never bothered her before while we were together. Her uncle tried to make fun of me a few months ago by saying that i have a "boys job" that i needed a "real mans job" and she got mad at him and told him off. I guess it could also be the guy she is having an affair with putting it in her head also, because he has a "mans job".


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Imagine if she came back. She would blame herself instead.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Is it because this douche is putting these thoughts in her head ?



Yes. AP is very influential.



tigercat said:


> or, is she putting all the blame and faults on me to make her feel better because shes the one that is doing the wrong?


Yes! Both statements apply. They feed off each other for their own selfish ends. 

Why?

Because it's easier to blame than take responsibility for their own actions. 

After a while some DS become so proficient in the art of deceit, manipulation and winning people over with their lies, that people act on what they've heard, a skewed version of the truth. The more plausible and skillful, the cheater, the more havoc and damage occurs.

It is easy to immediately distance (and dislike) a person, even loathe them when it becomes known that they are cheating on their spouse. The cheating often spills onto family and friends and the lies can often cause a lot of division affecting whole families.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tigercat said:


> or is she putting all the blame and faults on me to make her feel better because shes the one that is doing the wrong?


It's this. She has to demonize you in order to justify/rationalize what she's doing. Granted, she may not like a lot of things about you as-is, but the affair will intensify it.

If she's actively having an affair, remove yourself as an option from her life.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Is there any way to bring her out of the affair "fog"? Make her think rationally again? 

Its hard to get to her because she has put up these barriers where she doesn't listen to anything i say or do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You cannot "make" her anything. 

But you can state your boundaries and enforce strict consequences if they are overstepped.

REALITY tends to wake a lot of peopleup from The Fog (separation, divorce, etc).

Rolling over and being a doormat tends to enhance The Fog exponentially.

I fshe doesn't "listen to anything" you say or do, then you know full well what you are dealing with-- a woman who does not respect you.

Respect yourself first. If she isn't willing to cut off the affair, then hit her with hard consequences -- separation/divorce papers. Why should you be strung along like a plan B fo rher?


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

The thing is that i'm not being strung along as a plan b. She did the usual affair stuff (love but not in love with u, hes just a friend) and i didn't take it so i left because she wanted to be "friends" for the kids. I didn't want to leave but she put me in a position that i had no choice. So now she says their is no one but our 2 daughters that she doesn't need another guy but i already caught that lie. 

So the truth is i'm out the picture right now and shes free to be with mr amazing. If i try to rationalize with her that shes not thinking clear she won't listen and blame everything on me and start listing off a million faults that i have (very few are true). Shes just trying to make me look bad so she can do what she wants.

So its not like i can give her an ultimatum , OM or me? right now she is choosing him and not me at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, so if she has chosen him already, then let her go.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok, so if she has chosen him already, then let her go.


:iagree:


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Easier said than done. I still have very strong feelings to her and i know she is not thinking rationally right now. She wrote me messages 2 weeks before she found this douche , on how she was so happy to have me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with this amazing husband. I'm guessing this guy stepped in and filled her head with crap about how i didn't deserver her and probably dogged me. After that she pushed me to the side and picked him. I just need to snap her out of this or beat this guys azz, which ever one comes first.

Maybe my feelings are so strong because i don't think our 2 young daughters deserve this. He just trying to get laid and stepped in a ruined a marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That guy *may* have "filled her head with crap" but ultimately she CHOSE to cheat on you with him and has chosen her affair with him over you.

The sooner you accept that she is not a victim, the better for you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> That guy *may* have "filled her head with crap" but ultimately she CHOSE to cheat on you with him and has chosen her affair with him over you.
> 
> The sooner you accept that she is not a victim, the better for you.


Bullseye.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one said to let her go forever, but, for now? Work on yourself. You're in a fog too...clear your head and really look at this.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Yea i guess you are right, why try to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I just feel like i'm letting my 2 daughters down by not trying everything i could possible do. 

I read something like 90% of kids that go through divorce will admit later on in life that it was something that they have struggled with their whole lives. I felt that we owed it to them to try to work it out but she didn't. She said she was going to make them happy by leaving me (total BS). She just tries to make me look bad and i guess feel guilty for something i didn't do because i always put her and the girls first in my life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My parents divorced when I was 12.

Best thing they ever did [to] me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:rofl: TG. You remind me of one of my girlfriends. She said that every Thanksgiving/Christmas when she was growing up, when her family said grace at dinner, she would pray that her parents would get a divorce. She said they had such an unhealthy relationship and it was so hard living in a house with both of them not getting along.



tigercat said:


> Yea i guess you are right, why try to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you.


Precisely. Staying in a one-sided relationship will erode your self-esteem and do nothing but make you resentful and a doormat in the end. 



tigercat said:


> I just feel like i'm letting my 2 daughters down by not trying everything i could possible do.
> 
> I felt that we owed it to them to try to work it out but she didn't.


Exactly. One person alone can't make a marriage. She has opted out. You are not letting your daughters down. Not if you are being a good dad to them and providing love and happiness to their lives, being a good role model and responsible parent.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I think she is too young and immature to be in a commited relationship. She needs more growing up to do. She has a rude awakening coming her way, but who knows how long it will take, though? Just take care of yourself and your kids. You are the only sane parent they have now as their mom certainly lost her marbles.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

sadcalifornian- i agree she does need to grow up a mature. She will have a rude awakening later on in life, and thats one of the only bright spots i get from this whole situation. I know down the road she will realize she screwed up a great thing, with a great guy for no reason and and she will dwell on it.

that_girl- i see what your saying also, don't worry about what she is doing but worry about myself and better myself. I know i need to do this and i'm taking steps in that direction. I want to get a little more physically fit and work on my career.

If she realizes later on her mistakes and comes back, so be it, but if not then i will have the tools to make my life better because i decided to work on myself instead of feeling sorry for me.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Jelly is right. Divorce her. Understand this. As soon as you are divorced, you are no longer the problem. That means she has to wake up to reality. Dump her. It may be the one thing to snap her out of it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you have to vilify someone in order to hurt/betray them


Exactly.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> sadcalifornian- i agree she does need to grow up a mature. She will have a rude awakening later on in life, and thats one of the only bright spots i get from this whole situation. I know down the road she will realize she screwed up a great thing, with a great guy for no reason and and she will dwell on it.
> 
> that_girl- i see what your saying also, don't worry about what she is doing but worry about myself and better myself. I know i need to do this and i'm taking steps in that direction. I want to get a little more physically fit and work on my career.
> 
> If she realizes later on her mistakes and comes back, so be it, but if not then i will have the tools to make my life better because i decided to work on myself instead of feeling sorry for me.


Yes. Work on yourself and build a new life. Do not wait on her to come back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Exactly.



pretty basic concept, just look at the way enemies in war get portrayed. Soldiers have an easier time killing something "inhuman".


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

No man is perfect so women often make a series of compromises in their minds when they choose to marry a man. These compromises essentially consists of focusing on his best characteristics (think attraction triggers) and ignoring his faults.

If enough hurts and/or resentments build up in a wife's mind, there can be a point in relationships when she stops ignoring her husband's faults and begins a process of tearing him down by removing the compromises she made to be with him. In other words, when a woman destroys a relationship, she does it by destroying the compromises and focusing on the faults.

Now having focused on his faults and ignored her compromises, she feels free to trash the relationship. In many cases that manifests itself in her stepping out on him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^^ And that is not gender-specific. Men do it too when they have an affair.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's part of the standard script for the WS to demonize the BS during an affair. Its part of the fantasy. Its how they can justify what they're doing.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

tigercat said:


> Is there any way to bring her out of the affair "fog"? Make her think rationally again?
> 
> Its hard to get to her because she has put up these barriers where she doesn't listen to anything i say or do.


Actually there is a method that tends to work on this.

Understand that they are emotional/irrational so really what they say is irrelevant, months down the road they take most of it back.

They WANT you to fight back to prove to them that YOU are the bad guy and they are justified in doing whatever. It's a self defense mechanism and we all do it (when we get caught doing something or if we screw up, we tend to make excuses so we don't look so bad). 

Anyway what you do is AGREE with everything she says 100%, even is it's completely wrong. She can't in good conscience fight you if you don't fight back. 

She says "It's your fault our M failed" say "You're right, I could have been a better husband and you would be better off without me" (but not as a sad sap, say it matter-of-factly and not sarcastic). 

She says "We will never work out, we should divorce" say "I agree, I don't see how we can get over this so I'll have the papers drawn up".

She says "I wouldn't have cheated if you would have been around more." you say "I understand that, I should have done more and It's my fault that you were lonely".

Right or wrong doesn't matter at this stage, its about defusing the negative emotions. More times than not, when you throw yourself on the grenade and take all the blame they end up defending you. 

It takes a good 6 weeks of near NC before they stop being so negative about the M. While you are out of sight they get a chance to reflect in the M without you there to annoy them and they start to see it wasn't so bad. While you are around and engaging in disagreements then it just reenforces their justifications.

It's reverse psychology and it works great in these situations. The WS has an almost child-like rationality while in an A so you have to approach them as if they were a child.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Juan is absolutely right. She can't argue with you if you agree with her. 

Thing is, there is no way to "bring her out of the fog." She will either come out of wanting to be with him or she won't on her own. 

But Doormat Approach doesn't work. 

So what you do is you file separation/divorce and have her served. That sends a clear message "You chose him, no problem. I am not waiting around for you and am moving on with my life."


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Thanks, everyone here has good advice, i guess its because we all understand each others situation because we went through it.

I guess my problem is that i know in my heart its only a matter of time till she realizes that she will never be better off without me. I've done so much for her in those 6 years of us being together and was a good husband.

I'm just impaitent, I know she feelings will change once she realizes this guy is only trying to get laid and not wanting anything long term with her, it will wake her up fast that she screwed up. I'm just being impaitent because its hard to sit back knowing shes having her fun now with this bozo.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to stop wondering about the "matter of time" and how she may wake up one day. Hell, she may never look back. You need to accept t hat. Fast. 

Do you. Forget about her. Be a good father to your girls and worry about you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> It's part of the standard script for the WS to demonize the BS during an affair. Its part of the fantasy. Its how they can justify what they're doing.


My stbx never really demonized me (at least that I know of - not to my face and not according to "our" friends), I think this is the reason why when she was checking out and telling her close friends she was leaving so many outsiders just believed what she said that she just needed to be alone (not knowing she had a series of men lined up for booty calls).

To my face she was telling me that I was the nicest man ever, that I was a great dad, that I'm kind and she feels so confortable talking with me, that we have great conversations and that we were like best friends, it was just her that was having problems feeling anything for me "maybe" because of the sexual abuse she went through as a child she'd say (which I think has a shred of truth but she's used her whole life to deflect her own bad decisions), then of course she'd bring in losing her mother to cancer (which truly is difficult, and is enough loss to cope with, the problem is she just uses all these hardships to play victim in her mind).

The thing is sex used to be great, it was after childbirth that everything came undone it seems - her post partum, combined with my burnout trying to meet her unsatiable needs (note: I'm not referring to her sexual needs) and feeling like a failure.

And now she was telling me she outgrew me sexually, that I can't fulfill her appetite, which is BS because she was the one turning me down, when she is the warm one in the relationship - so basically she nonverbally told me I wasn't attractive. Ouch, that hurt. I had a couple weeks to process that, in survival mode, and then DDay to find that there was not one but two OM (and happened to be the racial preference she lusted after for so long), double hit in succession - yet nothing but the kindest words for me, argh. Then more victim speak, trying to suggest she was a SA!!? (ok that must be new then).

Actions speak so much louder than words especially when they are calling you a reject. Hard to ignore sometimes but you gotta learn how to just let it bounce.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Think of it this way too. 6yrs is not exactly honeymoon period, but you guys are young. If she exhibits this kind callous behavior at such early stage, are you sure this is the woman you want to grow old with? Are you sure you can keep living with this woman looking over your shoulders all the time?

I am not saying you shouldn't take her back if she wakes out of this fog fast enough, but in case it doesn't work out, you should find some solace with such thought.


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## nice_cheryl (Oct 15, 2011)

It's just plan and simple rationalization.

EXPOSE the affair and then the fog will go away.
As if my magic.
I promise you that.


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## knightblaster (Oct 15, 2011)

Zzyzx said:


> No man is perfect so women often make a series of compromises in their minds when they choose to marry a man. These compromises essentially consists of focusing on his best characteristics (think attraction triggers) and ignoring his faults.
> 
> If enough hurts and/or resentments build up in a wife's mind, there can be a point in relationships when she stops ignoring her husband's faults and begins a process of tearing him down by removing the compromises she made to be with him. In other words, when a woman destroys a relationship, she does it by destroying the compromises and focusing on the faults.
> 
> Now having focused on his faults and ignored her compromises, she feels free to trash the relationship. In many cases that manifests itself in her stepping out on him.


This, I think, is one of the most common patterns for female infidelity. The other one is revenge cheating, which is not the case here.

One thing that's important for guys in particular to keep in mind is that for wives the actual act of stepping out is, in many cases, the *last* part of a longer emotional/psychological disconnection process for the reasons described above -- you can call it a "falling out of love with you" process. It doesn't happen overnight, and with many wives, it won't even be communicated explicitly that it is happening while it is happening (perhaps they are unaware of the trajectory, or perhaps they think you should be seeing the, in their eyes obvious but in reality subtle, hints they are dropping about being unhappy), but the stepping out happens after that process is well underway.

Of course this isn't always the case. There are wives who step out for variety's sake, of course. But those situations are much less common than the slow-burn, stepping-out as last step scenario. This is one reason why the infidelities in these cases can be so very hard to overcome: she's already basically left you, in everything but the physical, before the PA begins, and the PA is the capstone of that process, not the beginning of it.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

This is almost exactly what has happened to me knightblaster. Its been building up in her for so long without me really knowing/realising and now she has had the PA and is continuing with it without any remorse or any hint that she would consider reconcilliation at all. As you say and I am seeing, it is almost impossible to overcome this depsite our 3 very young children


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## knightblaster (Oct 15, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> This is almost exactly what has happened to me knightblaster. Its been building up in her for so long without me really knowing/realising and now she has had the PA and is continuing with it without any remorse or any hint that she would consider reconcilliation at all. As you say and I am seeing, it is almost impossible to overcome this depsite our 3 very young children


It's a common pattern. Unfortunately for most of us, we only learn the warning signs in hindsight through (bad) experience. In looking through your earlier post about your own bad situation, for example, there was a fairly common warning sign that she lost quite a large amount of weight and started changing her appearance. This is, of course, normally a _good _thing for a person. In the context of a marriage, however, when this is done _unilaterally _by one spouse and is _coupled with increased time with friends_ and so on, these become blinking red flags of potential trouble coming. 

The reason is that it's an indication that the spouse is preparing to re-market themselves -- getting ready to go back into the market, in other words -- which is not a positive for the marriage. It's not uncommon that a spouse who is unhappy will quietly set themselves up to move on "properly" before actually moving on. In some cases, it isn't even the case that they have decided to move on yet, but they want to be ready in case they want to, or to be able to "test the waters" to see how easy it might be for them to find another partner and so on. Again, most of us didn't know that these were warning signs for unhappiness and possibly leading to a PA until it happened, but unfortunately it is actually one of the big warning signs that this kind of internal process of psychological separation is taking place.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> My question is that ok, my wife has no problems with me one day and then she goes have an affair and now everything in my life is so wrong to her. I'm to blame for everything, I didn't do enough of this or that yada yada yada....She points out all these minor flaws i have now.
> 
> What i'm getting at is why is she like that now? Is it because this douche is putting these thoughts in her head about all the wrong about me, just to make him look good? or is she putting all the blame and faults on me to make her feel better because shes the one that is doing the wrong?


Rationalization. They must do this or they can only feel that they are bad person. It is a survival instinct. It happens in the buisness place as well. If a person has to be let go folks try to find things wrong with the person or they feel bad about it.

In making the switch the WW has to make a shift to complete the change in feelings. To justify it. They have to daemonize you and make a fantasy out of their new lover. It is called re-writing history. You hear comments like, I am not in love with my husband. I probably never was. Which is total BS. It is about convincing themselves and often others. People are very accepting of wives having affairs if their husband neglects them or mistreats them. It is a you go girl mentality for some. Many see things as they really are but they have to weave a story line around their behavior. Otherwise they are just a selfish cheater.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> yea one of her funny excuses now is that i am 26 and still have a "boys job". Funny that this job never bothered her before while we were together. Her uncle tried to make fun of me a few months ago by saying that i have a "boys job" that i needed a "real mans job" and she got mad at him and told him off. I guess it could also be the guy she is having an affair with putting it in her head also, because he has a "mans job".


So she is disrespecting you. In her mind then she is trading up.

Hypergamy.

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/...to-alleviate-suffering-from-female-hypergamy/


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Is there any way to bring her out of the affair "fog"? Make her think rationally again?
> 
> Its hard to get to her because she has put up these barriers where she doesn't listen to anything i say or do.


She has to go total NC ( no contact ) with the AP and then go through withdrawal before she will come out of the fog. It is chemical. It is an addiction.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> The thing is that i'm not being strung along as a plan b. She did the usual affair stuff (love but not in love with u, hes just a friend) and i didn't take it so i left because she wanted to be "friends" for the kids. I didn't want to leave but she put me in a position that i had no choice. So now she says their is no one but our 2 daughters that she doesn't need another guy but i already caught that lie.
> 
> So the truth is i'm out the picture right now and shes free to be with mr amazing. If i try to rationalize with her that shes not thinking clear she won't listen and blame everything on me and start listing off a million faults that i have (very few are true). Shes just trying to make me look bad so she can do what she wants.
> 
> So its not like i can give her an ultimatum , OM or me? right now she is choosing him and not me at all.


You should be living in your home. You should not have left. You should have indeed given her an ultamatum anyway. Do you support her? If so, stop that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Easier said than done. I still have very strong feelings to her and i know she is not thinking rationally right now. She wrote me messages 2 weeks before she found this douche , on how she was so happy to have me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with this amazing husband. I'm guessing this guy stepped in and filled her head with crap about how i didn't deserver her and probably dogged me. After that she pushed me to the side and picked him. I just need to snap her out of this or beat this guys azz, which ever one comes first.
> 
> Maybe my feelings are so strong because i don't think our 2 young daughters deserve this. He just trying to get laid and stepped in a ruined a marriage.


Your only chance of getting her back is to let her go


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Yea i guess you are right, why try to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I just feel like i'm letting my 2 daughters down by not trying everything i could possible do.
> 
> I read something like 90% of kids that go through divorce will admit later on in life that it was something that they have struggled with their whole lives. I felt that we owed it to them to try to work it out but she didn't. She said she was going to make them happy by leaving me (total BS). She just tries to make me look bad and i guess feel guilty for something i didn't do because i always put her and the girls first in my life.


You cannot be cuckolded in front of your children. They need a strong father.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Thanks, everyone here has good advice, i guess its because we all understand each others situation because we went through it.
> 
> I guess my problem is that i know in my heart its only a matter of time till she realizes that she will never be better off without me. I've done so much for her in those 6 years of us being together and was a good husband.
> 
> I'm just impaitent, I know she feelings will change once she realizes this guy is only trying to get laid and not wanting anything long term with her, it will wake her up fast that she screwed up. I'm just being impaitent because its hard to sit back knowing shes having her fun now with this bozo.


YOu need to be prepared for her to be gone forever. I understand your heart. It is about her not you. Her choice. It sounds like she is wanting to trade up. Is he making a lot of money?


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

knightblaster said:


> It's a common pattern. Unfortunately for most of us, we only learn the warning signs in hindsight through (bad) experience. In looking through your earlier post about your own bad situation, for example, there was a fairly common warning sign that she lost quite a large amount of weight and started changing her appearance. This is, of course, normally a _good _thing for a person. In the context of a marriage, however, when this is done _unilaterally _by one spouse and is _coupled with increased time with friends_ and so on, these become blinking red flags of potential trouble coming.
> 
> The reason is that it's an indication that the spouse is preparing to re-market themselves -- getting ready to go back into the market, in other words -- which is not a positive for the marriage. It's not uncommon that a spouse who is unhappy will quietly set themselves up to move on "properly" before actually moving on. In some cases, it isn't even the case that they have decided to move on yet, but they want to be ready in case they want to, or to be able to "test the waters" to see how easy it might be for them to find another partner and so on. Again, most of us didn't know that these were warning signs for unhappiness and possibly leading to a PA until it happened, but unfortunately it is actually one of the big warning signs that this kind of internal process of psychological separation is taking place.


Yeah I've read a lot about since and you are right, the impression i get is that she has moved on 'properly'...I don't think she is in some sort of fog, she has literally just totally disconnected from our marriage, even with the kids and is quite happy to listen to my nonsense and pay it no attention at all becuase she has moved on. She often says she feels like she has 'woken up'. As much as I hate to say it, even if the OM moves off the scene I don't think she would reconsider being with me again even if I wanted her


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> YOu need to be prepared for her to be gone forever. I understand your heart. It is about her not you. Her choice. It sounds like she is wanting to trade up. Is he making a lot of money?


lol i don't know about trading up, I think hes ugly (not because of who he is but i don't see what she would see in him). Right now he is making probably twice what i make and she told me something wrong with me is i'm 27 and still have a "boys job". OK he makes twice what i make but i'm about to graduate college and make triple of what he makes so how can she even use a boys job excuse on me right now when i'm about to get a different job?

So he is unattractive, but makes more money than me right now but i guess the only thing he might have over me is he seems to be loud and obnoxious (a tool). IDK  I just don't see it as trading up


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

tigercat said:


> lol i don't know about trading up, I think hes ugly (not because of who he is but i don't see what she would see in him). Right now he is making probably twice what i make and she told me something wrong with me is i'm 27 and still have a "boys job". OK he makes twice what i make but i'm about to graduate college and make triple of what he makes so how can she even use a boys job excuse on me right now when i'm about to get a different job?
> 
> So he is unattractive, but makes more money than me right now but i guess the only thing he might have over me is he seems to be loud and obnoxious (a tool). IDK  I just don't see it as trading up


It's NOT what you think about the other guy that matters, it's what SHE thinks. No amount of logic will get her to see it your way while she lives in the fog. Maybe not even after the fog lifts. Really, really need to get that into your head.

She's rewritten her history. You need to be prepared to never get her back and act accordingly.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> lol i don't know about trading up, I think hes ugly (not because of who he is but i don't see what she would see in him). Right now he is making probably twice what i make and she told me something wrong with me is i'm 27 and still have a "boys job". OK he makes twice what i make but i'm about to graduate college and make triple of what he makes so how can she even use a boys job excuse on me right now when i'm about to get a different job?
> 
> So he is unattractive, but makes more money than me right now but i guess the only thing he might have over me is he seems to be loud and obnoxious (a tool). IDK  I just don't see it as trading up


Actually sex rank for men involves status and money along with looks. Men don't really care about those things in women. 

Check out Married Man Sex Life

Hypergamy is about finding the most fit male. making double the money as you puts him as very desireble to many women.

By the way what is a the boy job?


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Actually sex rank for men involves status and money along with looks. Men don't really care about those things in women.
> 
> Check out Married Man Sex Life
> 
> ...


Lol, my job is a grocery department manager for a grocery store. I just turned 26 last week and i've held this position since I was 20. I've been going to school for the past few years while working because i wanted to improve our future. Well i guess she didn't care about that future with me. I am in my last semester then i'll get a internship at the beginning of the year and go from there.


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## donie (Oct 12, 2011)

Hey tigercat im in the exact same position as you. I am 27 have three beautiful little girls. My W left me for some clown at her work. He only works 2 days a week. Lives at his parents house and doesnt even have a drivers license. His W or parents take him where he needs to go. People i have talked to all say that he doesnt care for kids all that much. That is what worries me the most. My W hasnt took them around him yet. Hopefully it stays that way. They just become an ear for our Ws. For whatever reason our Ws think they cant come talk to us. Then our Ws start believing in there bullsh*t and start to become emotionally attached. Next thing you know their moving out to be with their "soulmate". Entropy is right about them believing we neglect and mistreat them. The first time i talked to OMW she told me that my W was telling coworkers that i abuse her. I couldnt believe that she would say that. But she doesnt have any dirt on me really. Im a good husband and father. I do just about everything around the house while she is being lazy. I dont mind it it kind of relaxes me cleaning and what not. I dont know why it does. I guess one thing that really upsets me is they could at least upgrade instead they down grade to the lowest possible. I have NC and it seems to be working. I still have pretty bad days but better than talking to her. I dont think i would be getting anywhere.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

DanF said:


> Yep, all these people are right. You can't hurt one that you love and you can't betray a good spouse. So she has to hate you and think up everything wrong about you to justify what she has done, knowing that she is the one in the wrong.


I noticed the same pattern when my wife asked for a divorce, and yours is about the best explanation that I have come up with. She couldn't say I cheated, or abused her, or was a bad father, because I wasn't, so she had to harp on every little negative that she could. Examples:

She complained that i never wanted to do anything, all we do is just "sit here," she said. That's weird, because during the first 15 or so years of our marriage, that's all she wanted to do. She was always tired from working and never wanted to be "on the go" and never had the energy to do a lot of house work. She would sit on the couch on weekends and watch tv and relax from working. She would often make comments about how she was glad we didn't have a busy lifestyle. Then, all of a sudden, I was the bad guy for being laid back. 

She said I didn't like her family and thought they were nuts. That's odd too, because she has issues with several family members and association with them has been limited over the years. She expressed disdain toward them many times over the years. Yet, all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy for not thinking they all hung the moon. Since our divorce, she now kisses their butts as though they are all one big happy family. 

I could give many more similar examples. Some call it re-writing history. Anything that was minor suddenly becomes major and has been going on for years!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

All humans have to justify their actions to themselves, even criminal or immoral actions. Your wife cannot carry on an affair without convincing herself that you are undeserving of her fidelity and that her actions are justifiable. Otherwise, she'd be tormented with guilt and she'd have to despise herself.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

southbound said:


> She complained that i never wanted to do anything, all we do is just "sit here," she said. That's weird, because during the first 15 or so years of our marriage, that's all she wanted to do. *She was always tired from working and never wanted to be "on the go" and never had the energy to do a lot of house work. She would sit on the couch on weekends and watch tv and relax from working. She would often make comments about how she was glad we didn't have a busy lifestyle. Then, all of a sudden, I was the bad guy for being laid back. *
> 
> *She said I didn't like her family and thought they were nuts. That's odd too, because she has issues with several family members and association with them has been limited over the years. She expressed disdain toward them many times over the years. Yet, all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy for not thinking they all hung the moon. Since our divorce, she now kisses their butts as though they are all one big happy family.*
> 
> I could give many more similar examples. Some call it re-writing history. Anything that was minor suddenly becomes major and has been going on for years!


My H did said I never wanted to do anything too. That's funny cause I remember begging to go out and do stuff and H was always so tired from working all week. Now H has no problem staying out well past 10pm ALL WEEK!! He is also doing things that I have been asking to do for years!

The family situation is another thing. The first 2 years of our marriage, he didn't talk to any of his family cause they didn't like him. Because of me, he was able to re-establish a relationship with his dad but his stepmom still hated him--she really hates me . We have had countless conversations about how he cant stand his stepmom and she has been out to get him since day 1. Since DDay, he has been visiting his dad's house frequently (we never go over there because he feels uncomfortable), he has been chatting with his step sister and her husband who he ABSOLUTELY can not stand!! He even took off from work to attend a birthday party for his step sister's kid. He doesn't even like these people! But he made sure to tell me that maybe the problem wasn't that his step mom hates me, maybe it was that I never gave her a chance to like me....PLEASE!!!


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> I see, so by her downgrading and belittling me and making everything out to be my fault, it justifies her to go out and have an affair in her mind. She tries to make everyone think its my fault with these excuses but the people that really know us don't believe any of it.


My H is deployed to Iraq and had an A.... get this- he would call me, argue with me and call me everything under the sun. Yell and curse at our kids and then run to her and play the victim. How dare me treat him so horrible when he is a "war hero." He would create problems just to have her feel sorry for him. She would console him and "help him through it." I found emails between him and her MOTHER!!!! So he would tell me and the kids he had NO TIME TO WRITE ....BUT he made time to write her mother and tell her how this [email protected] was doing. He also claims he was just "looking after her while she is deployed because her mom is worried about her."
WTF!!???!! WTH??!!! He has a wife and 3 kids and he is using his time to "look after" some single female and check in with her mother!?????? When he stopped communicating with us and his own parents, he was giving all of his time to her and her mother. WEIRD and FREAKY??? 
The "fog" makes the WS do some strange stuff, just wait it may get worse.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> My H did said I never wanted to do anything too. That's funny cause I remember begging to go out and do stuff and H was always so tired from working all week. Now H has no problem staying out well past 10pm ALL WEEK!! He is also doing things that I have been asking to do for years!
> 
> The family situation is another thing. The first 2 years of our marriage, he didn't talk to any of his family cause they didn't like him. Because of me, he was able to re-establish a relationship with his dad but his stepmom still hated him--she really hates me . We have had countless conversations about how he cant stand his stepmom and she has been out to get him since day 1. Since DDay, he has been visiting his dad's house frequently (we never go over there because he feels uncomfortable), he has been chatting with his step sister and her husband who he ABSOLUTELY can not stand!! He even took off from work to attend a birthday party for his step sister's kid. He doesn't even like these people! But he made sure to tell me that maybe the problem wasn't that his step mom hates me, maybe it was that I never gave her a chance to like me....PLEASE!!!


Sounds familiar. I suppose the "sucking up to the family" after years of separation is partly just to have "somebody" in their life since the spouse is gone. Oh, and I'm sure they have figured out how the distance was all my fault too.

Human behavior sure is odd.


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