# Never asks for it, but mad he never gets any?



## superstar5 (Apr 13, 2012)

Since the beginning of my marriage my husband has seemed to have low sex drive. For the first couple of years I always initiated sex and basically pounced on him once a week. It was sort of a challenge for me to get him interested and I was confident in my sexuality and physical appearance so this worked just fine for a couple years. The next couple years I would still pounce on him once every couple weeks to once every month when I was drunk, but being in my 30's and gaining 20lbs since our marriage my confidence was not the same. Now even drunk I choose watching tv over pouncing on him and we are having problems. We go about a month, maybe month and a half without sex and its getting routine that after this time period he wants to have a sit down talk with me about his concerns for our marriage as we are not having sex. We've had about 6 of these talks and they are always at the most inconvienient time, like christmas morning or during my monthly. I _hate_ these talks as he wants to know whats wrong, and nothings really wrong, I just haven't been in the mood and he hasn't indicated he was in the mood so we didn't have sex. Its a painful conversation because he wants to know why I'm not in the mood, whats wrong whats wrong, and I don't know exactly. I tried giving him several several suggestions that he can do, like compliment me to make me feel sexy and in the mood but he gets defensive saying it doesn't feel natural and he doesn't want to lie... well thats flattering... Other suggestions I put out he gets defensive to as well and finds excuses for not doing, so fine if he doesn't want to get me in the mood than he needs to at least let me know when he wants sex. He says he cant do that because I once told him that I didn't like it when he would come up randomly and just grab my breasts, and say something cheesy like "what are these" , and once he asked for alone time and I made a face like he was a dork so he is out of ideas. I told him just saying I'm in the mood are you works for me, or wanna have sex works, but another month went by and he never took my suggestions, but instead he got drunk and went up to bed while I stayed watching tv and he became annoying calling me over and over to come upstairs. When I ignored him he yelled at me saying he didn't want a sexless marriage and made me feel like a terrible wife. I'll admit I had an idea he wanted sex, but I find him annoying when he drinks so wasn't really anxious to run upstairs. I did make an effort to pounce him the next day as I want our marriage to work, I suggested we try going to bed at the same time and cuddling for a while to see if that helps. Well we did that for a couple weeks and then fell back to our routines of him reading and my watching tv and going to bed at different times. Now its going on a month and a half no sex, he hasn't done anything indicating he wants sex, but I can see him getting irritated with me easily and I expect him to want to have a talk soon, I'm thinking I should just get drunk and pounce him to avoid a talk, but this whole dynamic just doesn't seem healthy and I would really like some advice.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

One thing that's clear right off the bat is that he has a hard time inviting you to bed. I presume you've asked him why? Is it because he fears rejection, has performance fears, or is it just low drive alone? 

Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

Another thing that's clear to me is that you have developed some body image issues... whether merited or not. I know it's really hard, but try and make a point to work out for at least 20 minutes a day. I've been doing that recently and it's helped me a lot, for no other reason than I have more energy and really feel better about myself.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

He sounds very immature... all this grabbing boobs stuff and drunken yelling from the bedroom

First thing is you both need to talk about this... you can't keep trying to guess if he or she is in the mood. 

Having said that... unless were talking dirty we rarely ASK each other for sex. It just happens. 
There's loves and cuddles during day then theres a wink and a nod at bedtime!

But we know each others signals and gestures.. the way he holds my gaze, sitting real close to watch tv, little pat on the arse as he walks by.

What does your husband do to signal (without words) he'd like some sex?


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

waiwera said:


> He sounds very immature... all this grabbing boobs stuff and drunken yelling from the bedroom


LOL I'd agree with that. Sounds like a frat boy.


----------



## superstar5 (Apr 13, 2012)

Well I do agree that its weird to ask for it in the manner I suggested, and that it usually just happens with less direct ques, I'm just willing to go along with being directly asked as I am at a loss of what else to do at this point. He doesn't make attempts to give signals now, because I was finding his previous attempts awkard and turn offs and responded as such (Boob grabbing, etc). I don't know why this is a problem now, but not the beginning of our marriage...perhaps we just aren't connecting on the same page at this point and in time that will change.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi superstar ~

It seems like there's a bit of miscommunication between you and your husband.

Have YOU ever instigated any of these discussions with your husband, so that you aren't taken aback at an inconvenient time?

If I were you, I would start one of these discussions and broaden it to the overall state of your marriage. In particular, coming to an agreement that you both feel sexual intimacy is important, that you both feel it is helpful if both of you have opportunities to initiate that intimacy, and discussing things that turn you on or turn you off will be helpful.

As well, discussing why your husband doesn't want to initiate sex, and why you don't want to initiate communication should be on your list to think about.

If you two routinely have problems in communicating with each other, then you may want to consider meeting with a professional therapist to help you work through some of those issues. Meeting with a therapist can be a lot cheaper than building up resentments over the disconnects and ending up splitting up. It can be an investment in your marriage, and if your husband has self-esteem issues, then those could be addressed as well.

Best wishes.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I like it when my wife tells me how to get her attention the way she wants it. She has this playful way of telling me what works and what doesn't. Makes it fun to experiment now and then with different types of kisses. Sometimes I even do over-the-top hold my wife and swing her gently in my arms until she's looking up towards the ceiling with her head cradled in my arm and give her the big hollywood style kiss. Just for giggles and well... because I like to kiss her.

If she likes it, she'll laugh when I'm trying to be ridiculous or just slowly and audibly exhale when I'm being romantic. If it's just a smile, or a smile + a cute little shake of the head no I know it wasn't right. It's fine because if I biff it she kisses me back anyway.

So my advice is train him to ask the way you want, but try and make it fun if you can. You might like the results. If he doesn't solicit you at all the way you want (calling from upstairs), go up there and say something to the effect of: if you want my attention next time I expect something like this (and do what you enjoy, kiss a certain way, give him a special look, etc.).


----------



## superstar5 (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks, I never initiate this discussion as it is extremely unpleasant no matter when the timing as he is sensitive and defensive and has attitude that he is the breadwinner and that should be my turn on and should be enough on his part. I have told him all his hard work for our family is a turn on, but not enough or all I want, this leads him to freak out mode that he cant do anymore than that and we get into blame game that is unproductive. 

I will give some efforts on more playful ways to get him to do what I want and perhaps his getting testosterone checked may be good idea for him too if I can think of nice way to bring it up without offending. Part of the problem is he is so passive and I naturally prefer being the passive one but seemed to have taken the aggressive role. His passiveness was initially what attracted me to him after coming out of a previous verbally abusive and controlling relationship he felt safe, and I felt in control rather than being controlled, but now I wish he was more aggressive. I did mention my desire for him to be more aggressive, but he tried it in the completely wrong way being demanding in tone and it backfired as I got angry in return and completely rejected what he wanted, which was just for me to sit by him. I like the wording Browncoat used above though and perhaps we could of have had better outcome had I said something to the effect of "if you want a me to sit by you try asking me nicely... etc." instead of getting ornery and doing the opposite of what he "demanded". Its hard for me to explain to him what I mean by aggressive, I don't mean rough or demanding, just in playful pursuit, but not in a dorky way, perhaps we do need help from professional as he's not getting what I'm wanting and I'm having a hard time explaining, unfortunately insurance/expense is an issue, plus we don't want the rest of the family knowing we are having problems as its embarrassing so therapy is our last resort...


----------



## illcrx (Apr 17, 2012)

I wish you were my wife lol. I have the opposite problem, I am usually the initiator and she never does. I understand this can get old, you both want and should feel wanted and that will create a great dynamic within your relationship. 

We are going through the same thing right now with sex and not getting enough, its amazing how much it really helps a relationship. You should try to figure out when he masturbates and if at all possible be there or beat him to the punch. Also you could ask to be a part of his next "session" and help out, then you could see whats getting him off these days, other than you, and show interest if it interests you, and you guys being on that page would help. 

Just an out of the box thing you can do. The other suggestions are good as well.


----------

