# Bipolar Wife



## Job

I apologize for the long post. This is my first time, and I just need to vent and hopefully get some advice. I am seriously considering divorcing my wife. We have been married for over 9 years and have an 8 year old daughter. My wife can be very sweet and fun to be with sometimes and other times she is incredibly mean or hyper/annoying to be around. She told me that she was ADD after we met and attributed her hyperactivity, moodiness, etc. to that. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 6 years ago. This was right after she admitted to having an affair with a friend/co-worker of mine(we are no longer friends or co-workers) and took a bunch of Clonazapam. She was hospitalized and went through rehab because she was also drinking alot at the time. She had been arrested twice for public intoxication/disorderly conduct. The second time she had our infant daughter with her. I considered divorce at the time but felt that I should stick with her because it was her disorder causing this behavior. 

About 2 years ago she left me and my daughter for her ex-boyfriend and was gone for 3 days. I was set for divorce again, but wanted her to prepare herself since she had not worked since the birth of our daughter. She did nothing but stayed calm and nice for a while. I did not take action because I was concerned about finances, child care, not hurting anyone else, etc. All dumb reasons to stay married. 

A couple of days before Christmas, the mother of one of our daughter's friends called my cell phone because she wanted to stop by and drop something off for Christmas. I told her that we would call her when we got home. My wife was livid that she dialed my phone and went into a rage. This woman never answered her phone or stopped by with the gift. She also acted very stand-offish when I saw her picking up her daughter at school a week later. I have a strong feeling that she either overheard my wife's rant or that my wife outright called her to complain about her dialing my phone. This is not the first time that my wife's insecurity has caused this type of behavior. But I am upset that this time it could potentially affect my daughter's friendship with this little girl. I wish I could get to the bottom of this situation and correct it. 

I am just very tired of the constant mood swings, arguing and the complete lack of respect for me. My wife uses inapprpriate language and subject matter whle speaking to our daughter. She has even told our daughter that I am a "moron" "a**hole" and not to listen to me when I try to dicipline her or tell her to do something. 

My wife has been seeing a counselor for quite a while, and I started going with her about 5 months ago. My wife stormed out of the last session because she did not like what I was saying. The counselor told me that she does not think my wife will ever change. Very discouraging. I have scheduled a consultaion with an attorney that the counselor recommended if I decide to divorce. I am also considering joining a father's rights group where I can get answers/advice from attorneys.


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## Feelingalone

I guess you feel like Job. You've been through a lot, but know you aren't alone. A friend of mine deals with almost the same thing as you. His wife is bipolar and drinks heavliy. She also had a huge traumatic experience of being gang rapped when she was 14 or 15 They have a 9 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Just to be clear she is a friend of mine as well.

Since I've known them I've watched her cycle from the incredibly great person to just a totally out of control person. And her cycles seem to get deeper each time. She has voluntarily committed herself twice in the last 18 months.

It is very sad to watch -- especially with the kids. He kicked her out last fall for a while, but she can't make it on her own. Things have been improving, but she has a lot of resentment.

My friend is a rock. And although she doesn't realize it, she is sooo lucky to have him.

You have to make a choice. And either direction you choose is tough unfortunately. Staying and hoping for change while dealing with the drama or leaving the marriage and dealing with the pain and drama of that direction.

But IMHO, you must decide one thing -- what is best for your daughter. And only you can determine that. It is wise to meet with an attorney. Given her arrests and documented behavior you should be able to get custody which I'm sure is of paramount concern to you.

Good luck.


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## COGypsy

You do have a hard decision to make, but it seems to me that it boils down to doing what's best for your daughter.

The fact of the matter is that your wife has a biologically based mental illness. You don't mention it, but it sounds like she's not currently on meds, or frankly if she is, she may not be taking them consistently or they may not be the right mix for her. Counseling is an important part of treatment for bipolar disorder, but it can't be the only treatment. It's a physical deficiency in the way the neurons and synapses in the brain communicate and unless that is addressed in conjunction with the rest of what's going on, nothing is really going to change. And medically speaking, as people get older, the cycles get more and more severe, especially if they remain unmedicated, or sporadically medicated.

If she's not actively trying to control her disease now, it's probably not going to get much better. I can tell you from very personal experience that it's much more fun to live in the drama and excitement of the highs, even if it comes with the occasional low. Especially if there's someone (hint, hint) waiting in the wings to clean up any mess you make. If anything, it's kind of scary to think what a more "normal" life would even look like.

All that aside, I'm personally a huge proponent of personal responsibility, accountability, whatever you want to call it, when you're dealing with something like bipolar disorder and it magnifies when there's a child involved. I personally feel like I have to be even more cognizant of my actions because I'm first, human and considerate and second, always monitoring myself for "bipolar" behavior so I can fix it early. And when it comes to dealing with little people that suck up everything you say and do like a sponge?? I think you have to be even more aware.

It sounds that your wife isn't making very many good faith efforts even to get and stay well, even for the sake of your daughter. And for the sake of your daughter, you may need to make the break. And to be honest, your daughter deserves to grow up in a house where there's respect and peace. If you do make the decision to divorce, make sure that you are strong enough to push for as much custody as you can get and while your daughter is young at least, make sure that the time she spends with her mother is limited, safe and supervised if need be. It's a sad and hard thing for you to do, but the consequences of your wife's choices and behaviors may very well be that you use the documentation of her diagnosis, her addiction, her arrests, the counselor's notes, etc. to restrict her access to her daughter so that you can be sure that your daughter stays safe.

Good luck--


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## imadoormat

I am in nearly the same situation, and I feel your pain. I am in the process of trying to figure out whats best for my family also. When things are going well, I think my children are mostly getting what they need, and would be far better than if we separate. However, things are not always going well. Their mother often has "episodes" where bad behaviors are displayed in front of my children.
Its a terrible position to be in, and a shame that no one really recognizes the suffering that a family/husband goes through when the spouse is not mentally well. Despite all of the crap Ive stuck through, and things Ive bailed her out of, she still has her friends convinced that Im the bad guy.
Good Luck! I wish you the best, but unfortunately, it seems there is no real good answer for either of us or our families.


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## unbelievable

Mine has been diagnosed with bipolar, too, but she apparently functions much better than your wife. I've not had to contend with any affairs or actual suicide attempts....so far. It is a roller coaster to be sure and seems like every day is constant drama but I had studied the disorder before we got married and I can't say I didn't know what I was getting into. We don't have any minor children and that also makes my situation more bearable than your's.
I do know things could be (and probably will get) worse. I don't guess I have any great advise for you. I wouldn't criticize anyone who just didn't want to deal with a personality disorder anymore. Only you know what your spirit and sanity can take. Whatever you decide, she's not a bad person; only sick. You're not a bad person, just human. Sorry you're going through this. I wish you both peace.


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## Job

Thanks for the replies. My wife has been on a few different drug regimens since her diagnosis. I can definitely tell the difference when she is not on her meds or on a regimen that isn't working as well. About this time last year she was constantly going into fits of rage over the most trivial things. I was on eggshells all the time. I finally called her doctor and asked him to please change up her meds because I felt I was going to loose my mind.

The fact is that I am not in love with her anymore. I care about her a great deal but not the way a man should love his wife. The lack of respect, affairs, drinking, anger, and numerous other issues have erased any intimate or romantic feelings I had for her. The basic foundation for a healthy marriage is lacking, and I don't think this is fair for either of us. It also doesn't set a good example of what marriage should be for our daughter. 

My wife is usually great with our daughter, but her inability or lack of desire to control her behavior in front of our daughter is a big concern for me. She has even lost her temper at other kids my daughter was playing with. This has the potential for some serious problems for us, not to mention alientating our daughter from other children.


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## rfuss70

I am a very similar situation. My wife was diagnosed with bipolar over two years ago. We had had many marital issues with her being unfaithful and then disappeared for several days. I had her involuntarily committed for a health evaluation due to her threats of suicide - this is when she was diagnosed with bipolar. She then attempted to get help, but at the time we did not have insurance so it was limited and not good help at all. She had not taken medication since and we just relocated due to job and things just exploded and have spiraled out of control to a point where I am coming to a determination that I need to leave to keep my sanity and to protect our two girls. 

She at least now sees a therapist and is on medication, but she had an allergic reactions which caused her to have to change, which has made things even worse. During the last 6 months she has continued to threaten suicide, I have to take starter fuses out of our cars due to her drinking, she cusses me and degrads me, my daughter has even had to take a knive out of her hand one night, we are constinently fighting which negatively impacts our girls. 

I am just at a point I can't take it and feel I dont deserve the treatment though I know she does not deserve to have bipolar disorder either. I have an overwhelming need to protect our girls and get them out of this enviroment - though I know leaving will have a huge negative impact on them too. I hope with the right medication she may change, but I think this disorder has changed who she is and who I married. She has gotten tattoos without telling me and recently got 3 more. She constantly accuses me of having affairs, she points out all the things I do wrong, see tells me what a horrible husband I am and blames me for everything.

This disorder has isolated us from our families and friends and I feel alone with no support. I just keep feeling I need to do what I feel is right by my kids and protect them, but I do love my wife and I want her to have a better life also.


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## MIKE2810

im in the same boat. my wife went for councelling last year and took meds but it did not last long. i know she knows she has a problem but refuses to accpet it and deal with it. in turn i am verbally abused and disresepcted infront of friends and family. 

she recently asked for a seperation due to some money i lent my brother- we had seperate accounts so this was an excuse. we still see each other weekly for dinner and for the sake of my child- but we dont live together. 

i wish she would get some help for the sake of my family. i do truly care about her but realize that she is ill in this regard- and i have a tough time giving up on her.


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## golfergirl

MIKE2810 said:


> im in the same boat. my wife went for councelling last year and took meds but it did not last long. i know she knows she has a problem but refuses to accpet it and deal with it. in turn i am verbally abused and disresepcted infront of friends and family.
> 
> she recently asked for a seperation due to some money i lent my brother- we had seperate accounts so this was an excuse. we still see each other weekly for dinner and for the sake of my child- but we dont live together.
> 
> i wish she would get some help for the sake of my family. i do truly care about her but realize that she is ill in this regard- and i have a tough time giving up on her.


I am the wife with an undiagnosed suspected bi-polar husband. I am at such a loss as we have a 3 year old and a 3 month old that he would fight to the death for custody. He can put on a great show to people who know him just bits and pieces, but he's hell on wheels to live with. My heart goes out to everyone living in this mess!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MIKE2810

Thank you


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## Runs like Dog

Untreated mental illness remains untreated. It does not get better. And it has a limitless capacity to consume everything and everyone in its path.


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## unbelievable

Mine has bipolar, too. It is awful challenge at times and it's certainly no easy row to hoe. Still, I married her without knowing what ailments she might develop in our future. She didn't ask to have bipolar and she is doing her best to treat it. I could take a bullet at work tonight and come home in far worse condition. I might come back from my next combat deployment with PTSD, traumatic brain injury, missing valuable parts or with my noodles scrambled. I like to think she'd stick around and help me work through those challenges. I can't expect that of her without expecting at least as much from myself. One positive thing about bipolar is if you don't like the woman you're with at the moment, just stick around cause she'll be someone entirely different in a few days, maybe even a few hours. The horrible dark times don't last forever. I don't have small kids anymore. If I did, I would hang in there only if I could do so while guaranteeing my kids' safety. They're going to yell and say inappropriate things, but lashing out violently to one of my kids would force me to get her out of the house (at least temporarily).


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## Runs like Dog

I have affective disorder (new name of bipolar). I've been under medical care for it for years. I have also suffered from extreme clinical depression including depression psychosis. I function reasonably well on a day to day basis. I guess the key is you have to want to function. You have lose your addiction to the manic phase. Affectives often stop medicating because they LOVE LOVE LOVE the mania. But in the end, mental illness is not a get out of jail card by itself. There is something one can do about it should one choose to.


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## MIKE2810

I take a lot of verbal abuse and she puts me down a lot- and sais she does not respect me. She can fly off the handle over nothing. I have a 5 year old and want to stay together to ensure she is treated right at all times- but the wife is not going for it at this point in time. I talked to her about getting help on Friday night and she wants no part of it. she balmes me for all her problems- yet she got help for it last year. 

i just wish there was some way i could get her to accept help as i do care about her. 

when she was on meds last year- she was great for the 2 week period- but she said she didnt like taking them. 

she made a crazy decission to buy a condo a few months back which forced us to sell the house and take a break.


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## unbelievable

I am very lucky. My wife functions remarkably well, considering how bad things could obviously be. Some spouses are carrying an incredible weight. I can only hope to be that strong if things get worse.


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## MIKE2810

one last comment about the MANIC phase- I agree that they like this phase as they feel and act like they are on top of the world. when we split up my wife was raving about it to all her my friends like it was something to be happy about. nothing bothers them as long as they are getting what they want.


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## MIKE2810

any advice on how to get my family back together and make get her some help?


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## COGypsy

Unfortunately, she has to want to get herself under control and fix things. In all honesty, it's no walk in the park to get to the point where you're on an even keel. 

There's no standard mixture or dosage of medication that works for everyone, you just have to keep trying until you find what works for you. I remember I spent a vacation literally puking my way through Manhattan because of a medication reaction I had to the change in altitude, humidity and time zones. And the rule of thumb is that you try something for 4-6 weeks to give it time to get to it's best dosage level, so you can have all kinds of side effects during that time that may or may not get better.

That doesn't even begin to address what you've touched on above, the whole issue of knowing that you're giving up basically the best feeling in the whole wide world. Seriously. Now, I don't have the bipolar where you have full-blown-think-you're-Jesus-talking-to-polka-dot-elephants psychotic manias, but I have the milder hypomanias. I could go for days with only a couple of hours of sleep and be "fine", I spent money like water, drank like a fish, and can guarantee you I was the most charming person you ever met. I also got all kinds of work done, was super-creative at most anything I tried my hand at--it was great. Imagine your best day and multiply it by 50 or a 100 and picture feeling like that for days or weeks... Then making the decision NOT to feel that way any more. It's hard.

Of course, the other side of that is that your body really can't handle that kind of electricity flowing through it and will crash eventually. That sucks. Sleep for hours or days and feel like crud. I never have that much depression, but it can be pretty bad when it comes. It's the other side of the coin, in pretty much every way only typically, people tend to "tip" towards one or the other and have a bit more of that end of things.

What happens typically though is that if you aren't treated, you pass through the cycles faster and faster, and have higher highs and lower lows. Sometimes that triggers people to change things, but not always. The bad part about that is that it's a pretty "scorched earth" way to do it. By the time you're in bad enough shape to want help, you've probably left a pretty wide trail of destruction behind you. People with bipolar are more likely to also have addictions and all kinds of things like that going on too, which never helps.

Honestly, the only thing I would think you could do is make and KEEP strong boundaries for yourself and your daughter. If she's not under control and stable, she doesn't get to be with you. If she's raging and behaving inappropriately, then you don't need to take that behavior and your daughter doesn't need to see it. Don't allow her access, or at least greatly control her access to money. You can't "make" your wife do anything, but you can mitigate the damage she does and protect your daughter. And if you do those things, it also starts to create consequences for your wife's behavior. It may or may not matter to her, but they're there.

Should she decide that she wants to get treatment, it needs to be two-fold. There needs to be medication from a psychiatrist--not a family doctor type. This is a complex disease that needs specialized knowledge. Then I'd recommend the support of a therapist as well as she learns new ways to live, cope and behave. Without both of those things, I doubt it will work. It can't be counseled and I don't believe at all that medication alone does it.

On the bright side...I've been medicated for probably a decade now. I decided to get help after I had my first really scary low and decided that I didn't want to ever have to live with the "bads" even to have those "goods". I've had a few bumps in the road, but for the most part, I probably only have ups and downs a little more than most people and I probably feel them a little more intensely. I take my meds, I've been in therapy off and on as I've needed it and I have a pretty good life. There are lots of days where I miss not needing sleep--but at 36, I also have increasingly tremendous envy for the energy of 5-year olds that I never really had before! Somehow I don't think that's my disease so much as I'm just old now, though! 

So change can happen, but she has to choose it, and stick with it. Your best bet is to build a life for you and your daughter, welcome her in if she's healthy and remove her just as quickly if she's not. Maybe being there will start to mean more than being out of it....but BE CONSISTENT and if she falls down, she falls down. Let her figure it out. It's seriously like an addiction and you really kind of have to wait for her to hit her bottom and decide to do something about it. Hopefully, she won't have a _rock_ bottom and drag you all there.


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## COGypsy

Oh, and I'm sorry I'm writing such a book here....but as you might imagine, this is a subject that I'm pretty passionate about. And really informed about  

I just read something in another thread about accountability. Another key is to keep your wife accountable for her actions. Don't get distracted by whatever drama she might be stirring. She doesn't sound like she's broken from reality, or incapacitated by her disease, so she knows what she's doing. Really. She does. She's just rolling with the feelings and whatever is going on with her because frankly, that's fun, life isn't and we like fun, right? It's all so logical really....it's just not realistic or responsible. And frequently when you're all stirred up, it's not kind either. 

So you know, when she wants to come back to hang around, she needs to sincerely apologize and make up for what she's done. Replace the money she spent or the lamp she knocked over, or whatever. Whatever you'd expect any other person in the world to do if they'd behaved that way, she should. 

Accountability, consistency and consequences are probably your best chances....of course she'll pitch a fit like a 16-year old with ADHD....but that's just too bad, right?


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## MIKE2810

Thank you for the response. It was very informative. Do bi ploars realize their mistakes such as in this case? or do they stick to their guns and ignore that they are hurting their family?


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## COGypsy

Well every person with bipolar disorder is different and can be at a different point in their particular pattern. Think of bipolar kind of like a cold that runs through your office. Every one gets the cold and you all know its a cold and that everyone's passing it to each other, right? But with one person it's mostly stuffy head and throat stuff, another person only has it for a couple of days, someone else gets it in their chest....you know how that always seems to happen, right? Bipolar can be kind of like that. You don't always get as high or as low for as long as predictably as say...PMS or something else that could affect mood and behavior.

So that makes it hard for me to say absolutely what she specifically might know or not know at a particular moment in time. 

I don't know how much "the experts" might agree with my particular theory or not, but honestly, I think that the addiction model applies to bipolar disorder in so many ways. I mentioned a few of them above, too. In this case though, I'd say that in a lot of cases being on a mania, or hypomania can be a lot like an alcoholic being on a drinking bender. And I'm just going to assume that like most adults, you've been <ahem> a bit _overserved_ once or twice in your life. So you know how sometimes you could be kind of buzzed and know you're sort of being an a$$ but for some reason your mouth just kept going? And other times your friends would tell you the next day what a universal jerk you had been and you just didn't really see it that way, or remember it, or remember it the same way, or whatever?

For me it could be like that, sometimes I kind of knew I was too loud, too rude, too....much. Sometimes, I was just a b!tch out of control with it all. 

In the end though, it doesn't matter. Adults are accountable for their behavior. She knows she's sick and chooses not to get better. So whether she knows she's hurting you and doesn't care or whether she's in la-la land about it all, she's clearly well enough to be accountable for what she's done because ultimately she's making the choice to behave that way because she's not making the choice to get well.

I don't think I can possibly express what a hard a$$ I am about this kind of stuff. It's incredibly hard for me to apologize about anything. Two of my greatest flaws are pride and vanity, so to have to apologize and admit to being wrong or hurtful is just a killer to me. But I also know that I'm capable of hurting people really badly when I'm not fully in control. And because I'm pretty open about the fact that I do have bipolar disorder, I feel like I have to be twice as accountable. I'm pretty passionate too about the idea that I'm not my disease. You'll never hear me say that I _am_ bipolar. It's a disease I have, not a quality I possess. So I feel like I have to prove that I control it and not the other way around.

So really, I don't know about your wife. I'd suspect that at some level she absolutely knows she's in the wrong. The question would be what she's willing to do about any of it.


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## MIKE2810

thanks again. I turly belive she knows about her issue, but she choses to run away from this issue. I am her second marriage and she recently chose to break up the realationship, buy a condo and leave us behind hanging. we chatted this past friday night and as always it starts out well an ends bad. she ends up saying things that are hurtfull to me which upsets me. i honestly think she does this on purpose. she told me that she wanted to meet up every friday night with me and my daughter but she has no intention of working on us by the looks of things. A few weeks ago she mentioned we could look at this in the new year- Friday she mentioned she never said such a thing. its very frustrating as i want things to work out for our family. she is stuck in her ways and will not budge. i was very emotional on saturday so i went to talk to my priest. he mention ed that people with mental illness make disisions and have views which are very clouded and i need to realize this. its just hard though.


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## COGypsy

It is, it's really hard, I know. I'm sorry you have to sort through it all, I really am. We all have this instinctive belief that people are generally rational and react that way. When they just aren't.... it's hard. When there's feelings, life and kids involved....it's even harder.

I feel for all of you--I wish there were an easy answer for you.


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## 513jeff

My wife of 18 years was recently diagnosed and started treatment for bipolar. After she was released from inpatient treatment and her medication mix was adjusted a few times she started calming down and was, for the most part, easier to live with. She has recently moved into our master bedroom and set it up as her "efficiency" apartment. This was an idea of mine during a time when she was living in hotels and on friends couches so I knew she would be alright when her "night-time" medicines hit she would be safe. Before she was diagnosed she met up with an old boyfriend and told me she wanted a relationship with him as well as me. She had told me before we got married that she "needed" an occasional relationship with a third person, usually a woman. I was alright with this and they were relationships that were between her and her temporary partner alone.
Soon after I was laid off she spent most of 2 weeks with her boyfriend to help him recover from surgery. After that she started spending less and less time with me and our 2 young children. She started not wanting to be with our children.
After she came home she admitted to me that she doesn't see a future with me but does with her boyfriend. She wants to move into her own apartment and see our kids, "when she's ready". While she's here she wants to go out with her boyfriend but she's told me that she wouldn't like it if I started dating. I still care for her but other things happened that have caused me not to trust her and I can't bring myself to love her like a husband should. She told me when her treatment began that we would always be friends because of our children but I'm not so sure anymore. 
What do I do now?


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## Newlywedman

OP, from the tone of your post I think you know what you have to do. Her infidelity is not the result of the drugs, that is her choice.


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## COGypsy

513jeff said:


> My wife of 18 years was recently diagnosed and started treatment for bipolar. After she was released from inpatient treatment and her medication mix was adjusted a few times she started calming down and was, for the most part, easier to live with. She has recently moved into our master bedroom and set it up as her "efficiency" apartment. This was an idea of mine during a time when she was living in hotels and on friends couches so I knew she would be alright when her "night-time" medicines hit she would be safe. Before she was diagnosed she met up with an old boyfriend and told me she wanted a relationship with him as well as me. She had told me before we got married that she "needed" an occasional relationship with a third person, usually a woman. I was alright with this and they were relationships that were between her and her temporary partner alone.
> Soon after I was laid off she spent most of 2 weeks with her boyfriend to help him recover from surgery. After that she started spending less and less time with me and our 2 young children. She started not wanting to be with our children.
> After she came home she admitted to me that she doesn't see a future with me but does with her boyfriend. She wants to move into her own apartment and see our kids, "when she's ready". While she's here she wants to go out with her boyfriend but she's told me that she wouldn't like it if I started dating. I still care for her but other things happened that have caused me not to trust her and I can't bring myself to love her like a husband should. She told me when her treatment began that we would always be friends because of our children but I'm not so sure anymore.
> What do I do now?


I think you know. She may _have_ bipolar disorder, but affairs and open marriages aren't a symptom of that. Sure, hypersexuality can be, but moving in with your boyfriend to nurse him back to health really isn't behavior that indicates a mood swing. That's a planned, deliberate choice and exhibits pretty responsible behavior, taking on the care of someone else and all.

She's having an affair and using you as a Plan B. You're clearly an excellent source of support and willing to do so for whatever reasons despite the fact that you know she's "in love" and sleeping with someone else, living with him part time, no longer in love with you and not parenting her own children.

What would you tell your best friend to do in that situation?


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## Shaggy

Jeff you divorce her like you should have the minute she told you she was having a bf. You've come to find out that nen who let women treat them with disregard and disrespect, loose their women. You should have shown her the door.

Do it today, and see a lawyer to sue her for custody and child support. It's not that she is bipolar, it is that your wife is a cheating selfish lowlife.

She wants you to be a wimp cuckod. Is that the man you see yourself as?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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