# I am a "Nice Gal", how do I woman up?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have been reading some of the stuff about "Nice Guys." It has been fascinating. For the record, my H _isn't_ a "Nice Guy", rather is quite "Alpha". But that's by the by.

I am definitely the female equivalent. I am a, well, "Nice Gal" would it be?

I have not always been like this. When I was younger, in college and after, with no obligations and demands, I enjoyed life. I was independent, maybe a little wild, and always attracted the Nice Guy. It always panned out the same, I appreciated their good qualities but I was bored. They used to comment on how I was *too* independent, but in a way I think they liked it.

Now...? I am Nice. When did this happen? Somewhere between meeting my H and now, over the last 10 years. After my H's recent EA, I have taken stock ofmyself, through looking at a lot of threads on here, and realised I am a mirror-image female equivalent of a Nice Guy.

I cannot quite put my finger on what it is that I am doing wrong. After a lot of soul searching recently, I know my H finds me attractive. He think I have a lot of good qualities. But I feel I have lost that edge, that spark I had when we met that got him interested.

Of course, things have changed since then. We have a house to pay for, jobs, bills, parenting roles to fulfil. Since we married, I have been careful to spend time on my appearance, make an effort with our relationship, show him I care.

But a lot of what he has said since his EA has led me to believe he thinks of me in that "nice" way. He said something the other day when we were talking about how he likes a woman who knows what she wants and goes and gets it. I have probably let this go a little and become a little dependent on him, so I can improve that.

But how do I become that woman again? How do I "woman up" and stop being so darn nice? I want to become a little more edgy, a little more mysterious, attractive in the sense that he knows other men desire me, and more assertive, if that is the right word.

Any male suggestions would be welcome as to how I stop being so nice!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think we put too much dependency on one person/relationship in our life. And that person is our wife or husband. This dependency can be financial, emotional and psychological.

When you think about it, it’s crazy. It’s like a total dependency for our feel good factors, our sense of achievements, our affections etc. on just one person.

So get out there and do things “just for yourself”. Join sports clubs, arts and crafts classes, get a real hobby, take up an interest in archaeology, mountain climbing, scuba diving, first aid or whatever it is that will “float your boat” and you can become proficient or an expert in.

Bu doing these things you “create mystery” simply because you are not always there and you have interests outside of your marriage and your family.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Great, this is what I need. Have been thinking about taking up a hobby but I must admit after everything has been done, when I have my free time, say in the evenings, it is too easy to just watch TV. I really shouldmake the effort with friends as well. The really bad thing is, I can't even think of what I would like to do as a hobby. My H is *always* up to something, has projects on the go, and sees friends every week. I look really slack in comparison thinking about it.

What about how I act? For example, if we go out, H will be the one to order for us, he'll be the one to go get drinks at the bar. I think he would like it if I did that at times, but then I like the feeling of him being the man in doing stuff like that. I guess I could try it, I really think he would like it if I took the lead at times, I'm just not sure how to do that without taking over because he hates that. I'mnot sure where the line is drawn between being assertive and just taking over.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It sounds like you’ve let yourself become a bit of a bore, an unexciting person. It happens. Most especially to do with the television. I simply don’t watch the thing. Now can you imagine living a life without a tv? And now add up all the hours you watch tv and see just how great a percentage of your “own time” you are quite simply wasting away. It’s probably in the region of 100%!!!

You can’t think of anything that will interest you? Geesh, that is TOTALLY BORING lol.

And yes, get off your butt, go over to the bar and buy a round of drinks.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

walkingwounded said:


> I have not always been like this. When I was younger, in college and after, with no obligations and demands, I enjoyed life. I was independent, maybe a little wild, and always attracted the Nice Guy. It always panned out the same, I appreciated their good qualities but I was bored. They used to comment on how I was *too* independent, but in a way I think they liked it.


I swear Opposites attract more often than not, I see it all the time- so many examples in my personal life with friends, family, and the marriages WORK. Me & and my husband are so polar opposites in this thing, it amazes me sometimes. My NICE quiet SHY GUY always was more attracted to the "meaner" girls in school, those aggressive types who took charge, I always found this somewhat halarious -just cause of the way HE is. I can be very assertive, a go getter, relentless, I fit the bill quite naturally. And I was always more attracted to the "He's so shy" type. 

And nicer sweeter women usually flock to these Alpha boys- like moths to a flame, always getting bored with my husband's type. I know of one couple, the wife is so timid, the husband so boisterous, but it works amazingly well ! You see, one creates the excitement while the other can do the calming - and put up with the others "over anxiousness" -complimenting each other through life, even if they do not recognize this is happening. If they were matched with their own type, either continous fights may be in order or restless boredom would likely be the result. 

But we all need to have a little of both (alpha & Beta) even if the scales are leaning just a little more in one direction. Few of us can master the perfect balance in these things. 

MEN love it when their "sweet" women take charge now & then, even the alpha types want this SOMETIMES, to have things shaken up, show some adventerous unpredictable "lead", dare to initiate some things on your own. I even complain that I want this more from MY husband at times. But I still know "his type" is the best FOR ME. 

Here is the BOOK for you, take your pick. I bought this out of curiosity one day, the name was so outrageous! I found it to be the perfect equivelant to "Manning up" for women. 

Amazon.com: Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (9781580627566): Sherry Argov: Books

Amazon.com: Why Men Marry *****es: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart (9780743276375): Sherry Argov: Books


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ha! I don’t go much on the alpha beta stuff but I do see myself as an assertive leader. As such, people like me do like others to assert themselves and take the lead at times, it’s kind of “taking the strain” for a bit, for a while.

And hence my “get off your butt, up to the bar and buy a round”. I see this as taking the strain for a bit and I can sit down and relax. Plus I find it amazingly sexy in a woman who buys a round of drinks at the bar, somehow, for me, it’s almost like can’t wait to tear the knickers off stuff. Without that sort of thing, I feel I’m kind of carrying the person I’m with and they become a burden.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I think we put too much dependency on one person/relationship in our life. And that person is our wife or husband. This dependency can be financial, emotional and psychological.
> 
> When you think about it, it’s crazy. It’s like a total dependency for our feel good factors, our sense of achievements, our affections etc. on just one person.
> 
> ...



Pretty much spot on. Just think of the things you used to enjoy. A hobby can come from that. Try to write a poem or short story. Get your imagination flowing again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SA, have you ever wondered what it would be like living with yourself? Not by yourself, but with yourself, an exact copy of you.

I find the thought quite enlightening and play around with it for a while. It’s good in that I can see my upside and my downside and get to know myself a bit better.

They say when we are young and wanting to start a family, we choose our opposite, two halves to make a whole. I believe it’s actually quite a natural, chemical process of attraction, those pheromones, as well as a thought out process. It certainly was for me.

But later in life, when the nest is empty we look for people similar to ourselves and this can cause great problems in what was a reasonably steady and stable marriage. Now I’ve the thought that my next partner will be more like me than opposite to me. I’m not sure if I like that thought or not lol.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I swear Opposites attract more often than not, I see it all the time- so many examples in my personal life with friends, family, and the marriages WORK.


Perhaps, but I believe that both opposites and similarities attract; For example, I was attracted to my wife's strength, independence, maturity, and intelligence. While I was also attracted to her charm, grace, control and balance - things I lack (I'm a wild animal)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Ha! I don’t go much on the alpha beta stuff but I do see myself as an assertive leader.


I really do feel there is much to it, as my husband would never say that about himself. But he is surely no dou** bag, he is simply NOT very assertive, he would have NO desire to be the leader type (like in a work environment for example)- he would say too much hassle, dealing with a**holes, let someone else take the greif, he would not want the responsibility on his shoulders. He is more a behind the scenes peacemaker, the guy who never intimidates anyone, who is faithful in all things, can count on a meticulous job being done, rarely boasts about anything or calls attention to himself. Just the dependable reliant all in all Good guy, you can always count on a smile, even tempered, patient, forbearing. Truly beta beta beta. 

What I love about him most is his very dry sense of humor when he does open his mouth, he can surprise anyone, I wish he would talk more. I think he does not want to shock others about what he IS really thinking. We really do think ALOT alike, he just doesn't outright say as much when we are around other people.


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## thinner (Feb 28, 2011)

Yin Yang. Life needs balance, which is why I think we see opposites attract so often. I think more people need to do a 180 on their marriages/relationships, more than the 180 on themselves. My opinion is that the 180 for an individual, is more of a futile attempt to prolong the inevitable. If the relationship undergoes a 180 in an attempt to put more "excitement" into it, then both parties involved will go through subtle changes. The poster asking how to not be a nice gal. Honestly, don't men want "nice" gals? Well, I guess it depends on if you are looking for a one night stand versus anything meaningful. I think we are who we are at the core and that all things need to eventually balance out. However, when this poster does a 180, I think she'll have more excitement for a while but eventually, things will ripple out and be back to the normal balance. And regarding the woman buying a round of drinks at the bar. Ehh...been to my share of bars and never seen that happen. I think if I did see it happen and she was pretty, I'd probably assume she was a ______(fill in the blank). However, buying an individual man a drink is different and I appreciate that. My .02 (+ or -)
Thinner


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

YouTube - ‪The Offspring I Want You Bad Lyrics‬‏

@Walkingwounded

Sorry I didn't read this thread properly, mostly skimmed through all the posts for something interesting. I'll reply to this thread tomorrow in the afternoon, please stay tuned - as the missus and I are going through something similar. She's rather... meh nvm, I'll reply tomorrow, just had a LONG night and now checking mails.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

I think that our differences (not opposites) attract us to each other, but our sameness keeps us together.

Man and women are enough of a opposite  With that said I really think that we can feed off of each other and use the differences (both good and bad), but our core beliefs must be the same to weather it out when the storms roll in.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok, on my break now... let's see, 'how to woman up?'

Now, the missus is going through what you are going through; she's become... well, soft! Nice, cuddly, and cute really, but not as fun as before. Sex became routine, and the romance became literally dead. Since then she's improved somewhat, and most of the points of how to improved you've already identified;



> I have probably let this go a little and become a little dependent on him, so I can improve that.


What you should aim for is inter-dependence. Make your husband know that he needs you as much as you need him. For example, the missus has taken over managing the finances of our household in addition to being practically my 'eyes and ears' on what goes on. Sometimes she gets lazy but never lets it become a habit nowadays which I respect her a lot for; it shows strength.



> But how do I become that woman again? How do I "woman up" and stop being so darn nice? I want to become a little more edgy, a little more mysterious, attractive in the sense that he knows other men desire me, and more assertive, if that is the right word.


Don't be so easy, first become inter-dependent, not dependent. Make sure your husband knows that you are not on his leash, that you can still pull free if you really want to and leave him to rot without you. Once you achieve that everything will fall in place, you will be confident enough to stand up for yourself and be assertive. 

If your husband is anything like me, who like strong independent women too, then note that we love to conquer... but once we conquered, we have a tendency to go 'meh, done... next!'
So... to seduce and keep a conqueror -> Always make sure that no matter how much you give him, there is always STILL something left to conquer. - Great quote from Cleopatra movie heh

Ok... back to work -.-


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Don't be so easy, first become inter-dependent, not dependent. Make sure your husband knows that you are not on his leash, that you can still pull free if you really want to and leave him to rot without you. Once you achieve that everything will fall in place, you will be confident enough to stand up for yourself and be assertive.


You can be nice, but not take any of his crap. Do things on your own, spend time with others. Enjoy life, and find things to laugh about. Make plans for you two, and surprise him. Come up with something sexual you want to do, tell him about it, you take the lead.

When he ask you to do things for him, it is ok to say no to things you don't want to do.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Ok, on my break now... let's see, 'how to woman up?'
> 
> Now, the missus is going through what you are going through; she's become... well, soft! Nice, cuddly, and cute really, but not as fun as before. Sex became routine, and the romance became literally dead. Since then she's improved somewhat, and most of the points of how to improved you've already identified;
> 
> ...


Thanks. This is good. I am understanding the practical stuff, like having outside interests, seeing friends, stuff like that. I can see I can work on a lot of things. I feel a bit embarrassed looking at myself, something oneof the previous posters saidabout how would I feel if *I* were living with me? I know life changes us in different ways from the start of a relationship to years in, but I have *really* let things slide. I have arranged to see friends tonight instead of lazing in front of the TV. We are stuck a little as money is tight at the moment so I need to be inventive!


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Thanks. This is good. I am understanding the practical stuff, like having outside interests, seeing friends, stuff like that. I can see I can work on a lot of things. I feel a bit embarrassed looking at myself, something oneof the previous posters saidabout how would I feel if *I* were living with me? I know life changes us in different ways from the start of a relationship to years in, but I have *really* let things slide. I have arranged to see friends tonight instead of lazing in front of the TV. We are stuck a little as money is tight at the moment so I need to be inventive!


You don't need money to have fun or be yourself. Some of my best times were in college when I had no money.

One easy way to try and "woman up" outside the public eye (but in full view of your husband) is in the bedroom. I would guess your husband initiates most of the time. Some night doll up and try and be the seductress. Build some confidence in private and that will roll over to your confidence in public.

-e.p.


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