# Why does being attracted to someone make you stupid?



## Jellybeans

Well....not stupid, but...

I have noticed that if I am attracted to someone (in "that way" - crush, sexual, etc), I tend to be less like myself. Or rather, I am more mindful of what I say and do and well, I don't like it. I feel like I turn into someone else who is more... cautious. Don't like it. Besides, I'm analytical by nature. (It's annoying).

If I am around someone I have no attraction to (in "that way"), I am more of myself, not as vulnerable and will tell someone off that needs telling off. I can be Me.

WHY is that? Does this happen to you? I really need to get this in check. Tips?

Also, sometimes I find myself closing myself off to people. Maybe it's a defense thing or I am emotionally unavailable, I don't know. But it has happened to me before where I've developed a crush/liking for someone and then started to distance myself from them and act all "weird." 

Eh. I am a strange bird. Advice?

When Mr. I'm BFF's with my Ex-Girlfriend Guy broke it off with me citing the "distance" I told him "I think that is an excellent idea." He seemed perplexed and confused that I wasn't upset. I am ever the cool cucumber. "Wow. You are really good at this." I think he expected me to beg? I don't know. I have this almost magical ability of cutting people out of my life. 

Anyway I was just mulling all of this over in my head.


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## EnjoliWoman

I don't become someone different but I do become more accommodating to their needs/wants, but this isn't misleading because that IS the way I am in a relationship. And I'm not immune to the 'fog' as you guys put it.

But I do tend to be analytical and introspective. I definitely over-think/read too much into things. My BFF keeps me in line while I'm in that phase.


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## nice777guy

Could it just be a good old-fashioned case of the butterflies?


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## ScarletBegonias

Defense mechanisms make us do strange things when we really like someone

We don't want them to know we like them because what if they think we like them TOO much and they either run or take advantage of us?

I'm pretty much the same person nowadays with no regard to whether or not someone thinks I like them too much or whatever.

But I do notice my voice gets higher,I laugh at dumb sh*t that isn't funny,and I feel the need to fill silence with witty banter.

UGH! LOL

In reality,I love silence,laugh at only the truly funny moments,and my voice is feminine but hoarse.
so weird this whole attraction nonsense!


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## canttrustu

JB, get the answer to this and you could cut infidelity rates exponentially!!!!!!!!!!


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## CandieGirl

Jellybeans said:


> Eh. I am a strange bird. Advice?
> 
> When Mr. I'm BFF's with my Ex-Girlfriend Guy broke it off with me citing the "distance" I told him "I think that is an excellent idea." He seemed perplexed and confused that I wasn't upset. I am ever the cool cucumber. "Wow. You are really good at this." I think he expected me to beg? I don't know. I have this almost magical ability of cutting people out of my life.


Beg! Now that's funny, and I know exactly what you mean...I remember your threads RE: Mr. BFFWMEG; honestly, he sounded WAY too full of himself to be worthy of your attention. His reaction to the 'break up' cements my opinion of that! LMAO!

If only more women (sorry, but more women, it seems, tend to cling to men they don't NEED and shouldn't bother with) had your attitude of cutting people out, the world (for those women) would be a much happier place.

In my experience, I would get giddy (silly) when meeting someone new...but it's been a long time since I minded my manners or anything like that. By the time I started dating my husband, I had just turned 40, and I'd reached the point in my life where it was 'WYSIWYG'. What you see is what you get. I'd been through about 3 or 4 "...Phuck this!" experiences just before him, and had my head screwed on the right way. For once!


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## ScarletBegonias

CandieGirl said:


> If only more women (sorry, but more women, it seems, tend to cling to men they don't NEED and shouldn't bother with) had your attitude of cutting people out, the world (for those women) would be a much happier place.


:iagree:

I admire a woman who can decisively cut someone out of her life without a backward glance because she KNOWS without a doubt it's best for her mental health.


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## In_The_Wind

chemical attraction or fog I guess


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## Mavash.

OMG JB that is so ME. Well not now but the old version of me before 4 years of therapy. LOL

Old me: CPA (analytical), emotionally detached, not vulnerable, could cut people off easily, cautious when it was someone I liked, etc.

New me: Emotional, vulnerable, approachable, open, risk taker with people, willing to be hurt, etc.

No way I can explain how I overcame this in one post but at the core of this is fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear you won't be able to handle it, etc.

So what you do is you retreat to where it's 'safe'. Yes that works but it also stops you from living your life to the fullest and from feeling love from people. You can't be safe and love/feel love at the same time. It's impossible. Love is risky, it's scary but it's also wonderful and awesome!! It's like bungee jumping you have to leap trusting that no matter what happens you will be fine. Loving someone openly won't kill you even though you think it might. 

You've also lost touch with what makes you feminine. Men love vulnerability. It fascinates and enchants them. You can be strong and emotionally available at the same time. It's called 'boundaries'. Once you realize this you'll let down your guard and you will have the ability to love everyone even those you regard as 'special'.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I read that narcissists have higher testosterone levels and that's why they're considered to be more attractive. In a case like that, ignoring the research can be ill advised, not sure if I'd say stupid.

At some point, you have to censor what you want in your life, and what you don't, in order to have the sort of life that you envision. Some people do this naturally, others have to work at it.


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## nice777guy

I'm sticking with butterflies!


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## that_girl

Fear of rejection.

More aware of their presence.

It's just ridiculous, isn't it??


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## YupItsMe

Bad guesses

1. Embarrassment for not having the same level of self control? 
2. Fear of being figured out for anxious thoughts
3. Your gonads have an amazing sense of humor
4. Its naughty to think naughty and its supposed to be a secret but is too obvious to hide
5. Heightened sense of ... well lets just say things heighten LOL
6. Tingles tickle 

I get giddy around hotness and I am otherwise quite composed. I dont car to hide it any more. Its a fun aspect of being a semi mature adult


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I admire a woman who can decisively cut someone out of her life without a backward glance because she KNOWS without a doubt it's best for her mental health.


Well, that is me. Lol. I don't have time for waffling or clinging or anything like that. I think it's a waste of time. Sometimes I don't know if this magical ability I have is a gift or a curse because I am serious when I say I can cut things off like a precision doctor with a knife. 



Mavash. said:


> You've also lost touch with what makes you feminine.


I don't think that's it s ince I consider myself very feminine. I do think though that I have a wall up since my separation/divorce but that is normal. Time is what I need. I am smart enough to know to not get involved with anyone before I feel ready. 

Congrats to you for wading through all of that stuff. It's good to hear that therapy helped you.



that_girl said:


> It's just ridiculous, isn't it??


Yes, it is!



YupItsMe said:


> 3. Your gonads have an amazing sense of humor
> 
> 4. Its naughty to think naughty and its supposed to be a secret but is too obvious to hide
> 
> I get giddy around hotness and I am otherwise quite composed. I dont car to hide it any more. Its a fun aspect of being a semi mature adult


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't become someone different but I do become more accommodating to their needs/wants
> 
> But I do tend to be analytical and introspective. I definitely over-think/read too much into things. My BFF keeps me in line while I'm in that phase.


This is me. Including the part about having a BFF who talks me down from my over-analyzations. Lol. 



ScarletBegonias said:


> But I do notice my voice gets higher,*I laugh at dumb sh*t that isn't funny*,and I feel the need to fill silence with witty banter.


:rofl: Love it.


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## vi_bride04

ScarletBegonias said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I admire a woman who can decisively cut someone out of her life without a backward glance because she KNOWS without a doubt it's best for her mental health.


Thanks for the admiration 

Sometimes it takes a few times of screwing with my emotions but once I am done with someone due to their toxicity, I am done. Boom. Gone. Out. Finished. I have no problem cutting people out of my life.

But then I wonder if I am just a cold hearted b!tch sometimes.....

I do have lifelong very close friends so I guess I'm not that cold hearted. Maybe just b/c it has mainly been my family I have cut out and the guilt gets to me sometimes...


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## vi_bride04

Great thread, btw, Jelly...


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## Jellybeans

vi_bride04 said:


> Sometimes it takes a few times of screwing with my emotions but once I am done with someone due to their toxicity, I am done. *Boom. Gone. Out. * Finished. I have no problem cutting people out of my life.
> 
> But then I wonder if I am just a cold hearted b!tch sometimes.....
> 
> I do have lifelong very close friends so I guess I'm not that cold hearted.


Me, to a tee, minus the family thing. I am pretty close w/ my family. But def w/ past romantic relationships, I can cut them out sword-like.


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## thunderstruck

Jellybeans said:


> I have noticed that if I am attracted to someone (in "that way" - crush, sxual, etc), I tend to be less like myself. Or rather, I am more mindful of what I say and do and well, I don't like it. I feel like I turn into someone else who is more... cautious.


Ah, this explains why you get so silly when you reply to my posts here.:woohoo:


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## Almostrecovered

Garsh!!


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## vi_bride04

Jellybeans said:


> Me, to a tee, minus the family thing. I am pretty close w/ my family. But def w/ past romantic relationships, I can cut them out sword-like.


My family is very toxic. My mom especially. It sucks, but I have grown so much as a person since cutting her out. I have been getting in contact with other family members lately though. Trying to not be bitter and I realize family bonds are important. As long as they are healthy, lol


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## Jellybeans

Sorry to hear abou tyour family, Vi. I imagine that must be tough.



thunderstruck said:


> Ah, this explains why you get so silly when you reply to my posts here.:woohoo:


Har har har.


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## thunderstruck

that_girl said:


> Fear of rejection.


That. Or, another way to say it would be attachment to outcome. You really want it to happen, and you really don't want to mess up...so you get all nervous and giddy.

Maybe you could think up front - what's the worst thing that can happen? What do I fear here? Answer those, and maybe you can relax and be yourself.


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## vi_bride04

A good mantra is if you don't like me for who I am....go f yourself Lol

That has been helping me not be"someone else" or trying to impress someone too much. 

Hopefully i can keep this attitude when I met someone i REALLY like....


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## Lon

I often find myself reflecting, that when I have a chance to approach an attractive lady, I avoid eye contact and approaching because I don't want her to think I'm only looking at her, or approaching her because I find her attractive.:scratchhead:

I don't think it is not fear of rejection, I'm pretty sure it is my impossible-to-get-around show of respect.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> I often find myself reflecting, that when I have a chance to approach an attractive lady, I avoid eye contact and approaching because I don't want her to think I'm only looking at her, or approaching her because I find her attractive.:scratchhead:
> 
> I don't think it is not fear of rejection, I'm pretty sure it is my impossible-to-get-around show of respect.



Well, there is always the art of door opening. 
I'm always disappointed a bit when I try to look nice and nobody notices. The ladies in my town do our best to keep the town looking attractive. This place could really give a town like Boulder some serious competition around 3 p.m. when school lets out and we tend to congregate.


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## LovesHerMan

Lon said:


> I often find myself reflecting, that when I have a chance to approach an attractive lady, I avoid eye contact and approaching because I don't want her to think I'm only looking at her, or approaching her because I find her attractive.:scratchhead:
> 
> I don't think it is not fear of rejection, I'm pretty sure it is my impossible-to-get-around show of respect.


Stop that right now, Lon! Attractive women want to know that you are interested. Very flattering.


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## dumpedandhappy

lovesherman said:


> Stop that right now, Lon! Attractive women want to know that you are interested. Very flattering.


Yes, Lon listen to that, people in general, not just woman, appreciate positive attention. 

I look everyone in the eye, and smile, at that moment I think to myself positive thoughts about that person...they look nice, or there's a decent person, or hey I wonder what she does for a living...

That connection, the attention you direct with your eyes, it is what social creatures crave. 

And: with woman, I always make a point of once I have their eyes met, look at their hair, lips, etc with again a nice non-intrusive and not creepy smile to let them know that I admire their look. And if there is no spark, then I just keep walking. Otherwise..who knows what could happen.
Sometimes, if the eye-contact is well met, I often say, "good morning" or something glib, "..beautiful day huh?" 
Often those times, nothing came from it, except I know for a fact that the woman walked away with a smile, knowing that a man recognized her efforts on her look and engaged her. 
Now you may not have this in you but I have also many times said," ...you look great!" with a backward glance as I walk by at her boots or shoes...only to find her looking back as well...with a nice smile on her face!! I have even said to complete strangers ( woman ) "...hey pretty girl!!..." May sound creepy, but with the comical inflection in my voice and the casual attitude I have even heard back,.."...thanks handsome!..." 
LOL
These kinds of interactions were never possible for me before I like others have been saying here, learned to just say F*** It! I am tired of being shy and looking down! Becasue to let you know a secret, I am truly a shy person inside. 
But life is too short. And you just never know, that nice lady walking by could be single, not only that she could be anyone of the nice ladies on TAM and in this thread who are looking for a man who will just take the time, have the courage to say with no real guarentee of results, "Hey nice boots!" 

Am I wrong? Don't think so....


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## Lon

This is starting to feel like a threadjack... But, its not really that I'm shy, my brain is just empty, I can't comment on boots because I really have no idea about fashion, and so to say something about them just feels insincere... And my analytical brain usually doesn't process things in the short amount of time that occurs in a typical random interaction.


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## working_together

I get all goofy when I run into an attractive guy, and the more I think about it, the worse I get. Then I'll start blushing, and try not to, and then go bright red. This used to be horrible in high school, probably why I never had many dates....lol

I'm better now since separating, and having more interaction with the opposites sex. I may be nervous inside, but I'm better at faking the confidence, or maybe I'm not meeting attractive guys that would make me nervous anyway....blah


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Lon said:


> This is starting to feel like a threadjack... But, its not really that I'm shy, my brain is just empty, I can't comment on boots because I really have no idea about fashion, and so to say something about them just feels insincere... And my analytical brain usually doesn't process things in the short amount of time that occurs in a typical random interaction.


Ahhhhh, you're like me prior to brain damage. A few months of O2 deprivation and some adrenal insult overload and you'd be a new man, less impulse control....you'd start to think and then you'd be...ouch! Kind of like having a shock collar on. I say a lot of things now I'd never say before...smile a lot more, realize I'm incapable of controlling a lot of stuff I thought I was in control of before...because I was able to think about it and felt like I was making a better decision because of that.

The bottom line is that I'm the same person I was before, inside, I just function differently. Over time, you can accomplish the same thing I short-cutted to by accident. 

Read "Blink. The Power of Thinking without Thinking" Amazing stuff.

Threadjack, lol, there you go thinking again.


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## BeachGuy

I think you're completely normal JB.

And do you notice too that when you're not really attracted to someone of the opposite sex and you act more "yourself", sometimes they become attracted to you??? Boy I have. Then I think WHY in the heck can't I be like that around people I am attracted to????

Crazy.


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## Jellybeans

Lon said:


> I often find myself reflecting, that when I have a chance to approach an attractive lady,* I avoid eye contact and approaching because I don't want her to think I'm only looking at her, *or approaching her because I find her attractive.:scratchhead:


Omg, me, too, Lon!!! Lol. I just did this at the gym the other day w/ a guy I found attractive. I'd already scoped him out and then later I turned to look and he was looking straight at me and I immediately averted my eyes like a dumba$$. 



BeachGuy said:


> I think you're completely normal JB.
> 
> And *do you notice too that when you're not really attracted to someone of the opposite sex and you act more "yourself", *sometimes they become attracted to you??? Boy I have. Then I think WHY in the heck can't I be like that around people I am attracted to????
> 
> Crazy.


Haha yep! It IS crazy. Humand are so weird!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Jellybeans said:


> Well....not stupid, but...
> 
> I have noticed that if I am attracted to someone (in "that way" - crush, sexual, etc), I tend to be less like myself. Or rather, I am more mindful of what I say and do and well, I don't like it. I feel like I turn into someone else who is more... cautious. Don't like it. Besides, I'm analytical by nature. (It's annoying).
> 
> If I am around someone I have no attraction to (in "that way"), I am more of myself, not as vulnerable and will tell someone off that needs telling off. I can be Me.
> 
> WHY is that? Does this happen to you? I really need to get this in check. Tips?
> 
> Also, sometimes I find myself closing myself off to people. Maybe it's a defense thing or I am emotionally unavailable, I don't know. But it has happened to me before where I've developed a crush/liking for someone and then started to distance myself from them and act all "weird."
> 
> Eh. I am a strange bird. Advice?
> 
> When Mr. I'm BFF's with my Ex-Girlfriend Guy broke it off with me citing the "distance" I told him "I think that is an excellent idea." He seemed perplexed and confused that I wasn't upset. I am ever the cool cucumber. "Wow. You are really good at this." I think he expected me to beg? I don't know. I have this almost magical ability of cutting people out of my life.
> 
> Anyway I was just mulling all of this over in my head.


I've learned that you need to try to find someone who matches your energy physically, intellectually and emotionally. The person you're with should make you feel more like yourself, not less. I think if you feel otherwise, it's an indication that you are over-compromising to be in the relationship. 

I sure hope I don't become stupid as a result of attraction, because I am dating my client and that would be bad. lol. Actually, I feel validated in my intellectual pursuits, matched physically (at last!!!!!) and emotionally I feel as though I'm needing to hold myself to the standards I've set my sights on. It is never easy to share oneself in a relationship, while still making sure there is more of oneself to share...

Marriage is ultimately a process, not a destination. Sure you need to kick back and enjoy the milestones, but you have to remain in the partnership as an individual. If you're starting to feel stupid, it's because ultimately you're not centered. Something is out of wack. In a good match, there will be balance, and the balance can be expressed in any number of ways (firm attachment with both parties leaning back at times......both parties mutually leaning in...side by side...etc.) but there is balance. Being in touch with a partner allows you to feel what sort of balance is needed, and you should be able to adjust accordingly, with a minimum of effort and angst, personal or otherwise (i.e. drama.) 

I think a good relationship is a combination of feeling that if you are perfectly yourself, the other person knows where to find you, and will, and vice versa.

But to feel stupid, no. You shouldn't feel that way.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

BeachGuy said:


> I think you're completely normal JB.
> 
> And do you notice too that when you're not really attracted to someone of the opposite sex and you act more "yourself", sometimes they become attracted to you??? Boy I have. Then I think WHY in the heck can't I be like that around people I am attracted to????
> 
> Crazy.


You can't do it because of fear, perhaps.
Finding out that being your real self is all you can do, ultimately, in or out of a relationship. Somehow you have got to thinking that in order to be in a relationship, you have to be someone else. Once you decide that you deserve a relationship and that you don't ultimately have to do anything extra special to have a relationship, in terms of putting up a smokescreen...you'll stop doing this and get down to the business of having something real, vs. something that works the way you expect it to...but can never be the real thing (though it approaches it...)

You need to trust yourself to advocate for yourself, your real self going after something real, that can stay real. 
You need to trust the other person to do the same thing.

It's a sort of dance. 

You start out with the real connection, and then you keep it going...


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## pandorabox

that_girl said:


> Fear of rejection.
> 
> More aware of their presence.
> 
> It's just ridiculous, isn't it??


:iagree:

But it feels good to act like an idiot again - read teenager 
Butterflies never get old


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## Freak On a Leash

Even as a teenager, I favored the direct approach. If I liked someone I went for it and if I didn't get the vibes back I'd drop it and move on. I never took it very personally. 

I haven't met many men that I am attacted to. I'm really fussy and picky as well as I'm downright weird and probably scare guys. 

One guy in the group I kayak with I rather like and I'll flirt with him but I can tell that while we hit if off he wouldnt know what to do with me. I'm 10 years younger than him and rather crazy but he seems intrigued or at least amused by me. We joke around and converse nicely. My woman friends are amazed that I know stuff about him that they don't. When they ask "How do you know that?" I say, "I asked him." My direct approach just blows them away. You are supposed to act all shy and nervous around men if you like them. No one told me that.  

I'm wondering how all this will pan out when I'm actually divorced and out there looking to date. With being married but separated I could just kind of play around here and there but always had the "well, I'm married" card to flip out when needed. 

I tend to do things like give a guy my number and and say "give me a call, we'll do dinner". Then the ball is firmly in their court. If they call then I know they are interested. I'm not into guessing games. 

I can see how some men would be freaked out by that. But then again, I'm a totally unconventional type of person so that's the tip of the iceburg. If you can't handle that sort of directness or attitude than you aren't up to hanging with me. 

The dating world should be an interesting one. I plan on having some fun.


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## Lon

Freak, maybe its different for men than women, because most guys aren't going to turn down a woman who is direct like that... even if they are not interested (and I suppose this is why women play the game). It also annoys me the stupid game we're "supposed" to play - boy maintains eye contact, girl looks away and then after a certain amount of time looks back to see if he is still looking - ...then?? I don't know cause I only ever get as far as that point, I suppose if she looks up second time and smiles then it's time for the guy to break the ice verbally? or is the guy supposed to break the ice even if she doesn't smile? (either I got the whole starting point wrong or just this last point because they rarely smile and when they do I have no icebreakers in my flash memory). I'm sure it's supposed to be about practicing, just that when you get to your 30's your supposed to know all of this stuff already. So basically any time I have a chance to date someone it is basically because we have a mutual friend that has facilitated the communication of interest (yes, the safe way, but also the only way I've ever been able to get results with, and limited at that) then there is the many awkward moments that we both persist through and eventually start opening up to each other. Sigh, so much work and too much left to chance.

I love it when a woman is direct, but I feel that most women don't like it when I'm direct (not that I've tried that too many times, only after a couple drinks) it could just be the standard rejection rate but then I don't broadcast myself, I only approach ones I'm actually interested in. I think when the woman is direct you will both find out immediately if their is initial attraction.


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## Freak On a Leash

I don't do the whole eye contact thing, look away, etc. If I'm attracted to someone and get smiled at them I'll start talking to them. I talk to everyone. It's one thing my H couldn't believe about me. I have the ability to strike up a conversation about anything to anyone at anytime. 

Years ago a friend and I were at a party or a bar or something and she liked this guy. Yet she said she was too shy to talk to him. I said "What's the big deal? Just talk to the guy." She said, "You don't get shy?". I just said "that word isn't in my vocabulary." I walked over and started talking about the pic on his T-shirt and then started yakking about music or Harley Davidsons or any such thing. My friend was blown away. I'm just like that. 

Conversely if someone is bothering me and I don't want to be bothered I have no problem saying "Bug off". You can be direct with me but it's a roll of the dice because if I'm not interested back then I'll pretty much communicate it, but at least you'll know where you stand. 

I've never into playing games. What you see is what you get. A guy has to be pretty confident and have a lot of self esteem to deal with me.


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## pandorabox

Sounds like we were chipped from the same block LOL
Shy? Nope Direct - Yep. Weird? - hey freak - we are not weird - the rest is weird. If you see something you like in the shop do you walk around the shelves? - No you grab it. 
Nothing weird about it. Of course there will be guys who get freaked out but that's their problem - I wouldn't be attracted to them anyway if they can't handle a woman who knows what she wants.
Good luck on your flirt - 10 years is nothing - my current guy is 20 years older - can't feel it at all.


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## Bafuna

Interesting thread indeed! I tend to turn to jelly when I like someone, I think its the hormones. At College I heard this guy had been asking about me, I liked him too but the moment I knew everything just changed. I literally pushed him away, yet deep down I really couldnt stop thinking abou him. I said 'no' when in my mind I was screaming 'yes' ???
I think one has to be patient to woo me. Ive been officially seperated for 1 week and Im eager to start dating but am scared, the same old process? I wish there was an easier way. My interesting experiences in this week:

1. I joined a dating site and sent a guy i found interesting a msg and he told me he didnt think he was the right man for me from the match rating

2. I was buying school uniforms for my son today and there was this couple getting uniforms for a little boy for the same school as me. It was rather clear that the man was the boy's father but the lady was not the boy's mom, she was older and the boy kept to his father's side. Also they spoke different languages. I found myself asking myself where the boy's mother is and the man was a dish. What would you have done Freak ?

God, its going to be a long road!


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## aston

attraction makes you think in ways that you normally wouldn't. Thats because all those feelings are shooting through your spine like heat from hot lava....and it's making chemicals imbalanced in your head.
It's like arousal...the more aroused you get the more uninhibited you get and you might od things you normally wouldn't do.


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