# Past is not always the past!!lies and manipulation



## darrenk1 (May 6, 2012)

I'm standing up for the real victims*

How can people say the past is the past or take these lying men and women's side??its disgusting?
Ok this is more of a post rather than a question and I've been wanting to post this for awhile and feel I want to be an advocate to those that have been hurt and lied to and has damaged there lives so with that said here I go .thismay be all over the place and not the most intellectual post ever but non the less VERY VERY important !ok I see al over the internet posts stories threads about this subject and I so sick and tired of seeing men women and good people being ridiculed and called names for having morals or feelings or simply struggling with various issues involving there partners past weather its cheating ,numerous sexual partners or disgusting behavior !! So I want to defend those that have been hurt and tell them its ok to feel hurt or to have a negative judgment if they did disturbing things and lied to cover there tracks !in todays society its sick that people defend the ones that did these things saying things like the past is the past !or people change look at them now "don't judge others!who cares if they did that?so let's look at some stories I've read and see peoples responses ?first a man married for years has kids been an amazing dad husband and finds out wife lied and said she was with 3 guys turns out she used to do porn videos !!!the man devastated by this comes unravaled and starts hurting and is sad deppressed and feels he cant look at her the same .or that he feels that the relationship was based on lies so the poor guy posts online for advice and all the guy hears is comments like"dude get over it its the past who cares "or she's the same women you married"or this is just you being insecure "or my favorite numbers don't matter who cares get over it???really people that's what this sick society thinks???I can speak in my own situation that I'm married 3 kids and great husband faithful loving caring man that i have battled with this issue my with lied to me about everything to get me to marry her !she did absolutely disgusting things 3ways 2 men in one night sex with strangers stds ,sex with gang members drug dealers and some of these she was a mom of 2 at the time and at the bar screwing random thugs...I met her all i knew was she was a single mom pretty ,nice,fun,and I was extremely open honest about my past when SHE brought up the subject of sex I told her everything as you should cause unlike people who say "don't ask don't tell "or past is past never talk about it !"I don't believe its not my business !it is if anyone is going to spend there life with that person ..its not the other persons choice it is our choice who we marry or seriously date !!its just like buying a car miles ,conditions ,red flags,baggage !,not the car dealers choice what car we buy !!think about it seriously if you lie on a resume and get caught do you get fired ?do you get the job only if the employer decides to.now I know its not exactly the same but my point is this YES man or women I'm not sexist imo man or women that sleep around and treat sex as nothing but having coffee and devalue it to nothing .I'm saying that people can do whatever there hearts desire if you wanna screw 15 -100 people fine but don't lie !don't trick someone with opposite values to marry you and pick you when they deserve the truth and someone with similar views.I hear people attack guys like me call me names and im none of these things #1im not a hypocrite I have not done things like this I've been with9 people #2 I'm not ugly or insecure ..I'm 6'3 230 great looking former model !and im not a wuss #3 I'm not a religious guy Nope !#4 I'm not a sexist man or woman who act like ****s are nasty #5im amazing in bed and not insecure of others size lol I'm great down there ......now my point for usei.g me as an example is its not because of these BULLS*** reasons it hurts us its because we love are partners and care about connection respect and values in the person we spend our lives witg .so I wanna hear from all the men and women that are effected by this and to know that this world is messed up and its not you thats the issue .and for all those that wanna attack me bring it lol guys I want your answers .....????


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

What is the question that you would like to hear answers to?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think the OP has a valid point.
People lying about their past in an effort to manipulate someone in a relationship is absolutely not acceptable.

People can and often do change, but if a person lies about their past,
Have they really changed?
Or more appropriately,
Have they changed into someone better?

Relationships are about two people opening up and being honest about each with .Lying about one's past is akin to making a false declaration.

If a person fill out any Government form and KNOWINGLY withholds information or gives false information on that form, they can be prosecuted and jailed.

So then why do some people actually think its ok to lie about their past in order to manipulate a person in a relationship?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, Darren, it sounds like you are a very unhappy guy right now!

One of the nice things about a site like this is that you can post what is going on with your unique situation and get feedback that's unique to what you are going through. 

There are several things I want to say about what you've written here: 

1. Sometimes posts here can "trigger" you to feel unpleasant emotions because of something similar you have been through. It seems like that's what prompted you to write this rant. It would be more helpful to everyone, including yourself, if you posted on the thread where you see something you dislike. By posting a huge rant like this, nobody knows if you're specifically saying their comments were a problem. People do not remember and this kind of rant will not prompt changes.

2. The way people post often reflects the way they are "in real life" to a surprising extent. Even though you make a valid point when you say, "Forget the past can be really crappy advice," the way you've gone about it makes me think you are one of those "nice guys" who acts agreeable about stuff even when you resent it, and then you come back later with an attack after someone no longer can do anything about it. This forces them to either forget the past or get resentful. I imagine this has caused some problems for you that you believe have nothing at all to do with you. I hope you'll stick around to have an opportunity to learn about what will and won't work in your own relationship. 

3. It also sounds like you feel victimized. One sentence of your post really stood out: "so I wanna hear from all the men and women that are effected by this and to know that *this world is messed up and its not you thats the issue ."*

As long as you believe this, your world *will* feel messed up, and you will be powerless to change it. Again, I hope you'll stick around, because your choices affect your world. What you say, think, and do absolutely impacts the way others treat you. You do not have to feel like a victim, but in order to stop feeling that way, you *will* have to change some of your beliefs. You do not have to, of course, but you'll keep finding what you've always found if you decide not to.

If you think you have a problem, you do. If you think you don't have a problem, you don't, even if everyone else thinks you do. If you're miserable and you think it's the world's fault and that you are blameless, you're dwelling in blame and you will be unable to make the changes that will bring you to feeling good about yourself and your life.

Best wishes.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

darren, welcome to the site!

You will get more responses if you go back and EDIT your original post to have paragraph breaks. A lot of people have trouble (and some will give up) trying to read a solid wall of text.

To use YOUR car analogy:
You bought a car without a CarFax!



> I can speak in my own situation that I'm married 3 kids and great husband faithful loving caring man that i have battled with this issue my with lied to me about everything to get me to marry her !she did absolutely disgusting things 3ways 2 men in one night sex with strangers stds ,sex with gang members drug dealers and some of these she was a mom of 2 at the time and at the bar screwing random thugs...I met her all i knew was she was a single mom pretty ,nice,fun,and I was extremely open honest about my past when SHE brought up the subject of sex I told her everything as you should cause unlike people who say "don't ask don't tell "or past is past never talk about it !"I don't believe its not my business !it is if anyone is going to spend there life with that person ..its not the other persons choice it is our choice who we marry or seriously date


Some people can get OVER a spouse's/SO's past, others cannot. Some find certain acts (prostitution, dating married people, swinging) unforgiveable, others do not.

The only things that matter in YOUR LIFE, Darren, are WHAT do you feel/believe about your wife's past and her DISHONESTY about it prior to your wedding!

Is her sexual past a DEAL-BREAKER? Is it something SO EGREGIOUS that you feel compelled to say, 'Had I known this GOING INTO THE RELATIONSHIP, there would have BEEN NO RELATIONSHIP? I wouldn't have DATED you! I wouldn't have MARRIED you! You would NEVER have given birth to my children had I known WHO you truly were/are?'

If you HONESTLY feel this way, there is NO SHAME in owning your feelings! They're YOUR feelings, and you're ENTITLED to them!

If you feel that you can never TRUST your wife again to be sexually content with you, or sexually faithful to you, or even a person whose word is trustworthy in your mind, then you have a RIGHT to feel that way!

Some will say "Look at who she is NOW. Look at who she has been since you started dating!" And that is TRUE. She may, indeed, have turned over a new leaf; it happens every day. But that MAY not be enough for you! If you feel gypped, ripped-off, cheated, manipulated, scammed, defrauded by marrying this woman, then YOU have to decide if it's worth walking out of this marriage over. ONLY YOU CAN TELL.

I would suggest that YOU see a counselor for a few visits and try to CLEARLY establish what you NEED out of your life. 

Do you need to be seen as a guy who sticks to his marriage vows NO MATTER WHAT?
Do you need to keep a 2-parent family for your kids, whatever the cost?
Do you need to have self-respect when you look in the mirror every morning ABOVE ALL ELSE?
WHAT *EXACTLY* are your most important needs?

A counselor (religious or otherwise) should be able to help you put your needs in perspective AND help you decide if staying in this marriage BEST ACHIEVES meeting your goals.

Good luck, Darren, you SHOULD be able to resolve this particular problem in a relatively short period of time as you seem to be a logical guy who has a gut-wrenching decision to make. ACCEPT IT and shut up, or DON'T ACCEPT IT and move on.


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## darrenk1 (May 6, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> darren, welcome to the site!
> 
> You will get more responses if you go back and EDIT your original post to have paragraph breaks. A lot of people have trouble (and some will give up) trying to read a solid wall of text.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darrenk1 (May 6, 2012)

Sorry if I sounded upset or rude to tghose reading this I'm not a mean guy or disrespectful to anyone I just wanted to stand up for the one like me that get called various names because were hurting over being lied to.to answer your question yeah I would NEVER ABSOLUTELY NEVER dated or gotten in a relationship with a women that did those things im not going to argue that people can't do what they like with there bodies but im saying its NOT ok to lie when your asked because its not up to you !!like in my situation I did ask so did she about things the difference is I told the truth she purposely like and admits it !!and to those saying I need counseling lol I've been in individual counseling myself ,marriage counseling ,and even done hypnosis ,emdr to get the images out and to try to move forward unfortunately my counselors have said I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and she had no right to lie knowing my values were completely different .I loved her so much still do but...I can't look at her the same and no offense but I have very little respect for careless sex and useing your body in such ways .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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