# She Loves Me ... She Loves Me Not



## UpForAir (Jun 20, 2009)

:scratchhead:I have beem married for 22 years now with 2 teens. Since we have been married, my wife has refused to show or acknowledge affection to me of any kind. She has never told me that she loves me, no hugs, no kisses, no winks no nothing. We have had sex 6 times in the past decade.

Whenever I offer her affection, she always pulls away. When I tell her that I love her, she says "OK" or "Yup".

I am currently undergoing great therapy for CoDependancy and I am now realizing that I have needs that she has never met. 

She also has issues from her past (not with me) but refuses to seek councelling on them.

I dearly love this lady but as I approach 50 years old, I realize that I need so much more from a relationship. I have talked with her about these issues but it does not seem to make any difference.

What advice do you have for me.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I love your picture! 

OMG>>>>> no affection for 22 YEARS.... i go days without it and I feel to me its as important as breathing...

wow... get counseling or leave.. you can't go thru life with no affection.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

UpForAir said:


> I am currently undergoing great therapy for CoDependancy and I am now realizing that I have needs that she has never met.


I also tend to be codepedent and ive found that i will always have needs my H cannot meet. but im also realizing that that is ok. if you are just now realizing some things about yourself, and about your relationship, dont jump to conclusions about what it all means. Im sure your wife is thinking she has needs that you have never met. 

But at the same time, if she's refusing to do anything about it then you have a problem. In a boundary book my H and I are doing there's a section about how one spouse usually takes the role of working on the relationship and then the other spouse can get lazy and take a back seat. I usually take the role of needing to fix things and my H is contend to sit back and ask me what we should do. but i stopped trying to fix the relationship and just started to fix my own happiness. Now his problems are coming out and he's having to learn to work on himself.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

6 times in 10 years?!? Hate to say it, but move on!!! Or find a FWB. This isn't right.


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## UpForAir (Jun 20, 2009)

I would love to meet all of her needs. Unfortunately for me, she will not tell me what they are. 

Also, When I try to become close, she becomes angry and snarky. Once I distance myself, she returns to her somewhat pleasant but unaffectionate self. She is very predictable that way.

I found that the only way to last in the relationship when the kids were young, was for me to supress any thoughts of loving her or being loved back. I always thought that once the kids got older and she had more time that things would change. With my codependent behaviour, I did more than my fair share of the work around the house, all hoping for change.

Well now I am changing and I am slowly loosening the ties that bind me to her. One day soon, there will be nothing left to do but leave.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

UpForAir said:


> Well now I am changing and I am slowly loosening the ties that bind me to her. One day soon, there will be nothing left to do but leave.


slow down turbo. your jumping from one extreme to the next. ive had to separate emotionally from my H, too, and at first it was a bitter separation. i felt like he didnt care about me at all and that there was no love there. when i pulled away i was angry and resentful. And of course i thought i needed to leave to feel good again. but that wasnt the case. 

loosening the tie that binds you to her is good. you need to take care of your own happiness and she needs to take care of hers. but your wife isnt a machine. i'll wager she feels exactly the same as you. you just dont understand her. 

im not saying you should stay with her or anything like that. but there doesnt have to be the resentment towards her that you feel- that's all im saying. you can pull away and still love her. its a different kind of love but its not such a selfish love. why dont you pull away and release yourself from her, but learn to make yourself happy without worrying about how she handles it. but you can still care about her and love her and want to help her when you can.


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