# Im lost.. need some help



## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Hi everyone,

Well I need some advice. My wife and I talked this morning about a bunch of things. she told me that she doesn't think that I trust her at all with the men at work, because I keep mentioning that she might be cheating on me. She asked me if there is anything that she can do to convince me that she is not. I have been trying to follow the love dare book ,and now she says she feels over welmed and that she needs some space. Not like space space lol. We have spent the last eight days of my days off together and she feels over whelmed at times. I dont know Im so lost. Ive brought her flowers to work, brought lunch to her last week. She says she really appreciative of what iv been doing. laundry cooking dinner ect. help lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you keep mentioning that you think she might be cheating at work?

How often are you doing things like bringing her flowers, lunch, etc.?


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

We had a major fight in january and it almost ended it. Major insecurities. I was told to take prozac by my dr last week for axiety and depression which I have never had to deal with. 

I brought her flowers Tuesday, and she brought them home and said it made her co worker sneeze so I brought her a dozen roses the next day which she said she loves and left at work. She told me that Ive been doing so many nice things that its over whelming and she's not use to it. And plus she said that she feels guilty because she I dont give her the time to do something nice for me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So slow down the romantic things you are doing. What is more important than flowers and other gifts is listening to what she is acutally telling you.

If she says that it is over whelming then believe her. And if she says she wants time to do something nice for you... give her that time.

You got her attention... now slow down. So this at a pace that you can keep up... maybe once a month would be good? Small things sometimes and once or twice a year something big like flowers at work?


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

I totally agree with you. Tonight for instance I asked if she would like a foot rub, ans she said no not right now. Later I went upstairs to put on my pj's and brought down some lotion to rub her feet. I asked again and she kinda hesitated I got the hint to over whelmed. Maybe Ive been to clingy, last few weeks have been really hard mentally for me. Scared she might find someone else or is with someone at work.


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## rollerskatevixen (Jun 9, 2012)

Please don't take this the wrong way, but sounds like you could use some work within yourself and self esteem? She wouldn't feel overwhelmed if you demonstrated confidence to her and trust that she will take it upon herself to keep her relationships with coworkers approp. If she asked what she can do to convince you, as a woman, that sounds pretty genuine from my view that she's not cheating. 
Its great that you're a doting man, that's so sweet. But too much can be unattractive, unfortunately. Scale it back some and use that time for you. I know it sounds hard and may feel a lil cold of you, but back off a while and keep your mind busy during. Chances are she will start missing your doting behavior and may start trying to court you for a change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Have you always been this attentive? Have you always been insecure in your relationships?


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

My wife and I have been together for 8yrs and have two kids. So its has had it share of ups and downs. The last week or so it's been pretty crazy in my brain. Thinking about her cheating or at least liking someone.

Normally I hangout and talk to her while shes getting ready for work kiss her and say I love you., but this morning I was feeling the vibe. It seemed like she wanted her distance, or not the not connecting feeling because she just got up. So I said F-it. lol. I walked in brushed my teeth, turn around kissed her, said good morning and left. Didn't say I love you like I usually do. I do need to work on my self esteem.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

lovetofish76 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 8yrs and have two kids. So its has had it share of ups and downs. The last week or so it's been pretty crazy in my brain. Thinking about her cheating or at least liking someone.
> 
> Normally I hangout and talk to her while shes getting ready for work kiss her and say I love you., but this morning I was feeling the vibe. It seemed like she wanted her distance, or not the not connecting feeling because she just got up. So I said F-it. lol. I walked in brushed my teeth, turn around kissed her, said good morning and left. Didn't say I love you like I usually do. I do need to work on my self esteem.


Crap LTF are you sure you are not married to my wife? I have come to the conclusion she is not cheating but that she likes me as a good friend that will give her sex when she feels she needs it.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

lol .wow so true


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lovetofish76 said:


> I keep mentioning that she might be cheating on me.
> I have been trying to follow the love dare book ,and now she says she feels over welmed and that she needs some space
> I dont know Im so lost. Ive brought her flowers to work, brought lunch to her last week. She says she really appreciative of what iv been doing. laundry cooking dinner ect. help lol


Not real sure how talking about her possible cheating fits in with the love dare book. Otherwise, I can see where she might feel overwhelmed. I think the book also recommends considerable quite time for yourself. This should help


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## rollerskatevixen (Jun 9, 2012)

lovetofish76 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 8yrs and have two kids. So its has had it share of ups and downs. The last week or so it's been pretty crazy in my brain. Thinking about her cheating or at least liking someone.
> 
> Normally I hangout and talk to her while shes getting ready for work kiss her and say I love you., but this morning I was feeling the vibe. It seemed like she wanted her distance, or not the not connecting feeling because she just got up. So I said F-it. lol. I walked in brushed my teeth, turn around kissed her, said good morning and left. Didn't say I love you like I usually do. I do need to work on my self esteem.


 ****That's good because you still showed that you care, but it wasn't over-the-top. My own husband pretty much took the back seat in our 7 year marriage and after a while, it made me feel like I didn't matter. I felt like I was always waiting to get some love in return  love games don't stop with come couples I think, even after you're married. As for sex? My husband was the prude..acted like he could take or leave sex and like he didn't really need affection. as soon as I separated from him, all of a sudden he needed more affection and was trying to nail me more LOL!! It just kinda pissed me off but at least things were starting to go the way I had been starving for so I didn't get too mad about that factor. Feeling unloved sucks either way and its going to continue to damage your self esteem. Its vital you focus on you and be a little selfish in positive, healthy ways. She will notice. My husband started going out with his friends more, to the gym, getting tan, reading some self help books and taking charge around the house more - definately got a response out of me and made me chase him again after I was being distant and wanting space.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

rollerskatevixen said:


> ****That's good because you still showed that you care, but it wasn't over-the-top. My own husband pretty much took the back seat in our 7 year marriage and after a while, it made me feel like I didn't matter. I felt like I was always waiting to get some love in return  love games don't stop with come couples I think, even after you're married. As for sex? My husband was the prude..acted like he could take or leave sex and like he didn't really need affection. as soon as I separated from him, all of a sudden he needed more affection and was trying to nail me more LOL!! It just kinda pissed me off but at least things were starting to go the way I had been starving for so I didn't get too mad about that factor. Feeling unloved sucks either way and its going to continue to damage your self esteem. Its vital you focus on you and be a little selfish in positive, healthy ways. She will notice. My husband started going out with his friends more, to the gym, getting tan, reading some self help books and taking charge around the house more - definately got a response out of me and made me chase him again after I was being distant and wanting space.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That actually sound like me. Since my wife stated work in February, Ive been trying to help out alot more especially with laundry, cleaning and cooking. Trying to be less grumpy. The sex part she said she's not use to me being such a horn dog latlet and shes not use to it. Not to give up to much info but Saturday night was the last time we did it. Tuesday night she was up until 2 am so she went to bed early yesterday. Plus a grumpy baby doesn't really set the mood for a romantic night. Ill just try to communicate less during the day when shes at work. 

My life gets pretty stressful. I have a 2 y/o I take care of everyday. Then works night. So I get a litte run down. But the days I have off it seems i need to still take care of him in way, because my wife is stress over work.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

when my wife was pregnant she took off her wedding band now we cant find it. Possible stolen by a family member. Yesterday she showed me a ring on qvc that she liked. She said she was going to buy today because today was payday. I told her I would take care of it. Was that the right move? Financially we cant replace the wedding ring we both know that.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok. I will parrot what has been already said. You need to look at yourself and work on you. So far, I've not read anything that suggests your wife is doing anything that suggests an affair. Stop acting so needy. You will definitely drive her away with that non-sense. I think " No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a book you should read right away. Develop some interests outside of your wife. Work out. Develop some friendships. These activities will make you more attractive and also help with your anxiety and self esteem.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

I've never had this issue prior to January. Then the last two weeks have been rough. Your right need to get back in the groove again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Well.... today did a little less talking while she was at work. Just kept busy today by doing laundry taking the baby out to the park. She she invited us to lunch which was a surprise. Then she wanted to meet up at home so we can pick up the oldest from football practice. I kinda kept my distance at home and cooked dinner. Sat at the other end of the couch while I ate.lol Then she wanted some little kisses. I kept pulling away. She made a pouty face saying I don't wanna kiss her. Anyways climbed into bed. Watched a episode of vampire diaries. not a fan but its a great excuse to lay next to her. Then boom she went to sleep. oh well. I guess Ill take what I can get. Its hard trying no to be selfish, but I can do it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Lovetofish, on a less dire note, it could be that she is an introvert. No, that doesn't mean shy, that means that the person needs some alone time every day -- or at least some downtime. I love my H more than anything in this world, but after a three day weekend I am SO happy to be apart from him for a while. Could be that it's nothing more serious than that. Different people are different in their need for downtime, and it sounds like she is being very honest with you in telling you what she needs. Listen to her.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

I totally agree. It sucks sometime, I love her so much.
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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Be careful to not be so co-dependent, you will lose yourself in the relationship and will end up destroying it. You need to focus more on you and less on her; you can’t rely on someone else for your own happiness. Your insecurities are a huge turnoff so that needs to be addressed. Women are attracted to confidence more than anything and insecurity is the polar opposite of that.

Women don’t want their a$$es kissed. You treat them like a queen, they will eventually treat you like a servant. Everything in moderation and you have to have some type of life outside of them. It’s too much pressure to know that your spouse relies on you 100% for their well-being.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

My wife mentioned that all the nice things I've been doing is because I feel guilty about not doing it in the past. Plus no I love you's today. Oh well. One of my biggest fears is going to happen today. I have questioned her trust the past few weeks , but have not mentioned in in the last few days. Just because Im trying not to show how much I care. We are going to a baseball game with her company. So Im just going to man up and put on a happy face and make it a great night. I might put my hand on the small of her back. We will see. Im already stressing. and we still have 6 hrs. lol


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

this sucks.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

thought this might help me out today


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lovetofish,

I`m very curious as to why you get the feeling she`s interested in another man?
Give it some real thought and think about things she may be doing or saying no matter how trivial that give you this feeling.

I`d also recommend reading this blog and even buying the book.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Honestly. I don't know.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Well update from yesterday's post. I out on a happy face and show a little self confidence. And helpfulness at the game and it paid off. Had an awesome time last night wife couldn't keep her hands off me. We got home around midnight, put the babies to bed and she still couldn't keep her hands off me. Looks like im back. Lol. Thanks for everyone's advice. One thing she did ask on the way home, if I feel like she's not being faithful after seeing her Co workers at the game. My response was Monday we talk you said you weren't cheating and yous asked if there is anything you can do to help me realize that. That wasbthe last time I thought about it I trust you. Then I apologized that I was a dork for the last two weeks. Lol
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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> lovetofish,
> 
> I`m very curious as to why you get the feeling she`s interested in another man?
> Give it some real thought and think about things she may be doing or saying no matter how trivial that give you this feeling.
> ...


I love the book thanks for the suggestion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

So I read the book, married man sex life, very interesting. Now I'm starting to figure out that maybe she is not in love with me. Awesome book huh? Now making me more paranoid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

go fishing


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Lol. Awesome. Did last week no halibut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

So tonight im at work texting my wife and i asked her to answer a question honestly. I asked her if she is in love with me or just love me her response was OMG!!! Stop. How am i suppose to take that? She can't answer the question with getting pissed off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Im just an idiot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If I were with you right now I would smack you across the back of your head.

Stop. Just stop. You have fallen into a pattern of obsessive behavior. 

It is very hard to tell from your posts why this might be.

First off your approach with your wife if she was being inappropriate which she apears to not be is all wrong anyway.

At some point you both should do His Needs Her Needs together. Because it appears you are trying to meet needs you think she has but not really what she wants from you. Most women do not want their hubby to be a maid. She is very much resenting this if she thinks you are motivated out of weakness rather than love for her. i.e. you are being nice because you are afraid she is being inappropriate.

So step back ... examine your feelings.

Why are you overwhelming your wife right now? 
Is it puerly out of love and does what you are doing match he actual needs? I'll help you here. No and no. I am not saying you do not love her. I am sure you do. But your motivation seems to be trying to nice her out of an affair that does not exist.

First, tell us why you are worried about your wife? No really why? I get the wedding ring thing and I assume that was because of weight gain. No?

Get on the same shift as her as soon as you can. Your marriage depends on it. She likely needs time with you more than flowers. She needs you to be a strong bu loving man. You need to find your balance. You need to find your self respect.

But I cannot believe you are accusing her of cheating.

WTF!?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovetofish76 said:


> Im just an idiot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop that.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lovetofish76 said:


> So tonight im at work texting my wife and i asked her to answer a question honestly. I asked her if she is in love with me or just love me her response was OMG!!! Stop. How am i suppose to take that? She can't answer the question with getting pissed off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude. Read that book about 5 more times before you talk to your wife again. I don't think it took very well.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

You just have to make the conscious decision and effort to trust your wife. Trust her until you have a reason not to. I don't mean some red flag manufactured in your own mind to justify your insecurities, I mean a real red flag.

When my wife and I ran into some problems earlier this year I got crazy insecure and paranoia followed shortly. I spied on her and became clingy as well. The clinginess is basically a result of you constantly checking the temp of your relationship and looking for signs to verify her feelings for you.

You have got to stop it. When I realized that being clingy, insecure, controlling and constantly asking her "when, why and with who.." was not the answer to keeping her faithful (it only drives them away), I decided to simply trust her.

Everytime I felt the urge to question this text, or that call I would say to myself "just trust your wife" over and over until the urge disapated. It took about two weeks before the urge itself started going away.

I'm not suggesting you be oblivious, if a red flag comes up do your due dilligence but the peace of mind you are seeking won't come from questioning her constantly, it comes from you realizing you are enough of a man to keep her from straying and she is a woman worth trusting.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your input. Im trying. It is difficult at times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

LTF, you seriously should be talking to a counselor. Your behavior is VERY controlling and manipulative. You're forcing your way into her every waking moment and crowding out the rest of her life. Not cool at all, and this is much bigger than just low self-esteem or depression.

You're sending her roses and "doing nice things" and in the very next minute you're suspecting her of cheating and not loving you enough despite no evidence at all. You simply want to punish her for something, and if she doesn't give it to you, you'll make something up. It's probably not a conscious thing - you don't realize that you have a goal of hurting her, but it is there. Your thought processes aren't making sense at all.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

I have been seeing one on and off in since February. I saw her two weeks ago and now my wife has agreed to with me to my next session.
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well, steel yourself. She may say some things that hurt your feelings. She is at least going to talk about how you don't trust her, and how you are smothering her.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Im really looking forward to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

lovetofish76 said:


> Im just an idiot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, but you are your own worst enemy. 

There's a thing call self-fulfilling prophecy, where you expect something to happen and end up making it happen yourself by obsessing over it. I have seen situations like this where the obsessive boyfriend/girlfriend ended up getting cheated on to spite them because of their constant accusations of cheating in their relations (with no evidence). 

If you don’t leave her alone she will leave you. You are pushing her away and all your attempts for validation from her are backfiring because of your insecurities. On top of that, even if she was cheating 99% of the time they will lie about it when asked so without evidence bringing it up is pointless. Cheaters are not honest so don't expect a confession from them simply because you have a feeling. Unless you have a smoking gun, don’t EVER bring up cheating again.

You might not be able to change how you feel but you can change how you act.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lovetofish76 said:


> I have been seeing one on and off in since February. I saw her two weeks ago and now my wife has agreed to with me to my next session.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad to hear this. You may want to start scheduling at least weekly sessions and make this a big part of your life right now.


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## lovetofish76 (Jun 14, 2012)

Well made it through the weekend with out pissing her off. Also holding back negative thoughts. It's really hard. Hasn't said I love you this morning when leaving for work or work emails. Just calling me sweetie. oh well


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