# My life is a complete and total mess.



## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

Where to begin... I am in a serious affair with another man. 
I am married, he is married. All we do now is try to figure out a way to get out of our marriage's. I am having second thoughts, but then I see him and have 2nd thoughts about my 2nd thoughts. A little back story..

I am 40 married for 15 years, one child in elementary school. My marriage has had its share of issues, we've talked seperation, we've talked about staying together. 5 years ago he had an EA and then again with another women last year. Both ended when I got wind of them, but I was humiliated. Both times I've confronted the women in person. Stood my ground, this is my family. 

My marriage has never been a healthy sexual relationship, we have very little to no passion or sex, and we discuss it all the time that we are roomates. Went to counseling, didn't help. 

Met someone 4 months ago, he is married 20 years, wife no longer shares the bedroom. We started as E-Friends who could just relate to the other. Within a month it was physcial. Now its weekly and I am crazy about him!

Sneaking around, lying, cheating all things neither of us thought we could do.. Now we talk about leaving and being together, planning details, how will we make it work. The mistakes we've made in our current relationships and how to not make them again. 

I start to have 2nd thoughts, selling houses, splitting custody, is it all worth it.. The other man is constantly questioning me.. Where am I, what am I doing, am I sleeping with him.. I am constantly questioning him.. I don't think we can trust each other given what we have been doing. Its all a mess. 

However, I have fallen in love with him. Where I am not in love with my husband anymore. I just don't know anymore.. Thinking of telling my husband and letting the chips fall where they may. But I don't want to hurt him. WOuldn't it be better if we just seperated and then tell him I met someone. He's still my son's father. He doesn't need to be humiliated. But does he, he did it to me.. However I am not doing this to be vengeful. I am truly not sure what to do.. 

Has anyone here cheated on the spouse or their spouse cheated on them and end up with that person? Am I really thinking in another world that this could possibly end up in a good relationship?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> Where to begin... I am in a serious affair with another man.
> I am married, he is married. All we do now is try to figure out a way to get out of our marriage's. I am having second thoughts, but then I see him and have 2nd thoughts about my 2nd thoughts. A little back story..
> 
> I am 40 married for 15 years, one child in elementary school. My marriage has had its share of issues, we've talked seperation, we've talked about staying together. 5 years ago he had an EA and then again with another women last year. Both ended when I got wind of them, but I was humiliated. Both times I've confronted the women in person. Stood my ground, this is my family.
> ...


You're sure to get blasted on here...looking for our blessing to carry on your affair.

You're living in La-La Land at the moment; a complete fantasy. What makes you think that he won't cheat on you, or vice versa. Get your head out of the fog, and sort out your mess.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> The other man is constantly questioning me.. Where am I, what am I doing, am I sleeping with him.. I am constantly questioning him.. I don't think we can trust each other given what we have been doing. Its all a mess.


You should be prepared to have those feelings of mistrust intensified if you choose to stay with this affair partner. You both were unfaithful in your current relationships, you will always be concerned about the other being unfaithful in your new relationship. And statistically you are very unlikely to stay together long-term and happy if you go that route. Its not impossible, just very unlikely.

Also, from an outsider's perspective who has seen this in a hundred stories, it seems very naive to say that you two are "in love" after 4 months. Its an infatuation and lust and the rush of chemicals from being with someone new. What does love mean to you?? 

In my opinion, your best chance of happiness is to quit this affair, confess to your husband, and if he is willing, find counseling for your relationship.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

You have done just as wrong as your husband has done, in the past. His doing what he did doesn't justify your affair. He still deserves the truth. You sound like you do already accept the fact that you know this new relationship will never work out. You will never trust each other. Is it really worth it, in the end? You're only going to be shifting the same issues to a new man and marriage.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

lolly.lolly said:


> Both times I've confronted the women in person. Stood my ground, this is my family.


What happened to this attitude when you were starting your own affair?

You need to break up with the OM and tell your husband. You need to either work on your marriage or leave your marriage. 

Your relationship with the OM will most surely fail. You have been in a relationship for only 3 months and he is already being controlling. You can already see that you won't be able to trust each other.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The success rate of affair relationships turning into solid long term relationships is very low. Like < 5% low. So leaving your husband and son for this other guy would be fairly foolish. And if you think he won't clue in to you magically finding some new guy just as you leave your marriage, I think you're deluding yourself.

If you need to get out of the marriage, just do it. But don't do it with any thought of a better life with your other guy. And don't think you'll escape without hurting your husband or son. 

As an FYI, I speak as someone else who cheated on their spouse. I had an affair prior to ending my marriage of 17 years. I chose not to reveal to my wife that I had cheated on her, but I also didn't leave her for another woman (my affair was over by the time I told my wife I wanted to end things). I had, however, started seeing someone else shortly after moving out. Even though it doesn't bother me morally to do so (my legal status here is separated, and there has been no talk of reconciliation in the last year), I still keep that information from my wife and kids. Partly to save myself some grief (our separation has been very amicable till now, not sure it would stay that way if she knew I was dating), partly to keep from hurting my wife. But I'm not exactly holding my breath that this relationship will turn into a marriage or even moving in together. We're just really enjoying each other's company for now.

So my advice, decide what you want to do, and do it. But don't kid yourself that there's a nice soft cushy relationship waiting for you, and don't assume you'll get out without significant pain to your husband and child. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to get a grip on reality. First what you are doing is wrong. You are a Mom you going to raise your child to cheat and disrespect their partner like you What a great role model. Second your Husband deserves better than this crap. Tell him and tell him now and everything. Third break it off and completely with the other man. You are hooked up with another low life that cannot be trusted . Great way to start out a new relationship.

If you want a divorce get a divorce but do not sneak around behind your Husbands back. That is cheap! Get into IC right away and think about your kid and your vows.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So already your affair partner is controlling you, asking to report what you are doing, if you are connecting at all with your actual husband.

Don't you see the huge red flags about the OM here? Don't you see how he is a controlling jerk ?

This is the kind of guy your going to end your marriage and your child's family over.

Wow, I guess you don't really love your child at all if your going to kill their family and intrude them to a controlling jerk.

Btw, if he's like this after a month, what is he going to like once he has got you to end your marriage and leave your kid and husband for him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> Has anyone here cheated on the spouse or their spouse cheated on them and end up with that person? Am I really thinking in another world that this could possibly end up in a good relationship?


I have not cheated on a spouse however my current marriage was born out of an affair I had with my now wife while in a serious long term relationship.

We`ve been married happily for 12 years this weekend.
Kids, house, jobs, the whole enchilada and no infidelities.

It`s true I suppose about the trust issues but honestly I would have nearly the same trust issues with anyone regardless of whether or not I knew they cheated because most people do cheat at one time or another so you always have that issue to deal with if you`re smart.

Anyway I`m answering your OP with a "Yes".
A relationship born out of an affair can be good and lasting and filled with happiness.

I`m told it`s against the odds though which just makes me realize how good I`ve had it.


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

Thank you for taking the time to reply.. I know what I am doing is wrong, I am not justifying it in any way shape or form.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

For God's sake, end your marriage and stay away from the other man as he is a control freak already.

If you won't end your marriage, either tell your husband or ask your husband to go to counseling with you again and you go to counseling by youself.

Geez, not getting much support from me. Once cheated on, it is very hard to trust again. You had the upper hand by not cheating and having your husband prove to you that he wanted you. Now you are no better than your husband.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Sigh..... Before you start reading the script....

Some of what your going to say, and much of what your going to hear is right here in another recent fogged up DS's thread from last week.... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37570-love-my-dream-cost-my-family.html

Also, please read "fog" link in my sig.

all the meaningful feelings, introspections and thoughts your going to share are painfully predictable... There is nothing special about your situation, or your feelings... 



Your high.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> Thank you for taking the time to reply.. I know what I am doing is wrong, I am not justifying it in any way shape or form.


You are justifying not telling your husband the truth by saying you don't want to "hurt" him or "humiliate". Too late for that.

What ever you decide to do, your husband deserves the truth. He could make the decision for you then you can continue to ruin your life guilt free.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you used his past affairs as a controlling tool to facilitate your affairs?


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## TallE (Dec 12, 2011)

so consciously you are aware that you and your affair partner do not trust each other but you're willing to wreck your family to be with him? 

So what happens when your head comes floating down from the clouds and you're stuck in a cliche ridden banal existence with a real life human being complete with flaws that you can't trust?

Not being sarcastic here...have you thought about that?


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

Some very good points. I am definitely in the clouds. Without a doubt.. I come down every now and then but can't seem to stay grounded. 

The man I am with has said a few times if I were to end things he would do something to himself... I think he's just a very passionate man, but what if, what if he did.. I don't think I could handle it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Lolly, I sent you a private message.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, you should just divorce your husband. He will be free of a cheater and his worst enemy will get one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> In my opinion, your best chance of happiness is to quit this affair, confess to your husband, and if he is willing, find counseling for your relationship.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'll third that ^^^^^^^^^


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> Some very good points. I am definitely in the clouds. Without a doubt.. I come down every now and then but can't seem to stay grounded.
> 
> The man I am with has said a few times if I were to end things he would do something to himself... I think he's just a very passionate man, but what if, what if he did.. I don't think I could handle it.


What if your husband found out and killed the dude. Could you handle that? What if you found out you have Aids? Could you handle that? So are you now telling us you are going to stay in a relationship because the guy may whack himself?

I can see you telling your husband - "Honey, I wanted to end this affair but I was afraid that Mr. Passionate was going to kill himself, so I kept f***ing him weekly as therapy for him, since he is so needy". 

Leave this guy and do not look back.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lolly.lolly said:


> Some very good points. I am definitely in the clouds. Without a doubt.. I come down every now and then but can't seem to stay grounded.
> 
> The man I am with has said a few times if I were to end things he would do something to himself... I think he's just a very passionate man, but what if, what if he did.. I don't think I could handle it.


No Lolly, He's sick. 

I don't mean sick like morally corrupt. Obviously, his morals are meaningless to him. I mean sick like mentally unstable. Your refusing to see it. You are on drugs and your decisions and behaviors are driven to satisfy this addiction at the cost of your family and likely your own safety. 

He's not passionate, he's obsessed.

Your ignoring clear, unmistakeable danger. Your mind is trying to rationalize it in order to keep seeking your drug, while somewhere deep down in your brain... you know. Your in big trouble. Your not in control.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> However, I have fallen in love with him. Where I am not in love with my husband anymore. I just don't know anymore.. Thinking of telling my husband and letting the chips fall where they may. But I don't want to hurt him. WOuldn't it be better if we just seperated and then tell him I met someone. He's still my son's father. He doesn't need to be humiliated. But does he, he did it to me.. However I am not doing this to be vengeful. I am truly not sure what to do..
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No Lolly, He's sick.
> 
> I don't mean sick like morally corrupt. Obviously, his morals are meaningless to him. I mean sick like mentally unstable. You are on drugs and your decisions and behaviors are driven to satisfy this addiction at the cost of your family and likely your own safety.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Listen to Pit - his advice is incredibly profound. This is exactly what is happening. I am glad you found this board now before something dangerous happened. Get. Away. From. OM.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Chance for you having a relationship for three years with your cheating partner is one out of ten. If you make it three years, you have another one out of ten chance of getting married and staying married in a long term relationship. In other words, you have a little better than 1 out of 100 chances for sucess with the other man.

The fact is cheaters will not trust each other not to cheat. Also, when you get two cheaters together you have a bout a 100% chance one of them id going to cheat again. I takes a caetaing kind of person to cheat and its much easier the second time.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

*You lose AT LEAST 50% access to your kids.* Just think about that a minute.

That may seem okay now.. That is half the time your husband looks after them. That sounds okay because he is your husband, but he will divorce you. 

Twelve months to Three years from now after he has recovered from his crushed soul. Your ex husband will be on the dating scene

You just moved your husband to the very top of the desirable guy list. 

_"Was in a long term relationship and wife cheated on him. He shares custody and does the right thing by his kids."_

He will meet someone, he will probably remarry or be in a committed relationship and your children will live with them half the time. 

You children will like her, they will go on holidays with her and him.She will pick them up from school, take them to the Doctors, care for them because she loves your ex husband.

You will not be consulted about any of this, and you will not know what they are doing or feeling half the time [ at least]

You on the other hand will not be with this OM. He will be long gone.

You will be alone and at the very bottom of the dating pile. 
_"Left husband for a married man and destroyed her family with no regard for the well being of her children or the other family"_

You are left with the players, the married men and the guys with the ethical standards that you are displaying.


*If you met your husband at this point he would go nowhere near you*.

This is how it works. Sorry. This ain't no love story. it is reality.

This is a true story.



Be careful. PIT has a knack of being horribly right about this stuff with mad OM and OW.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> Some very good points. I am definitely in the clouds. Without a doubt.. I come down every now and then but can't seem to stay grounded.
> 
> The man I am with has said a few times if I were to end things he would do something to himself... I think he's just a very passionate man, but what if, what if he did.. I don't think I could handle it.


Wow. One month in an he's saying that! If that's not manipulative and controlling I don't know what could be.

This guy is a creeper who you would tell a friend to run from.

Btw, what about your kid? Do you think this guy is going to allow you to bewitch them? Do you see him accepting that you first priority is to the kid and not him.

Even if your marriage ends from your actions, run away from this controlling jerk, Why can't you see the huge red flags in this guy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Why in heck's name would you continue to see that whack job. If he is willing to do something to himself how do you know he won't do something to you or your children? He is a danger to you and your family. Tell your husband right away. Come clean. The easiest way to end an affair is to expose it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with the others. Regardless of your marriage, he's showing you clearly how he deals with issues. Even if you were both single it would be a bad idea. So now, decide on your marriage, but end it with the OM anyway.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Wow. One month in an he's saying that! If that's not manipulative and controlling I don't know what could be.
> 
> This guy is a creeper who you would tell a friend to run from.
> 
> ...


yep, the head games have already started and you're not even with him yet. I have to wonder why his wife left him at this point.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is like watching a car wreck coming from above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm finding it harder and harder to answer posts like this anymore


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are not in love, you're in lust. Huge huge difference.

I see two issues.

1) Your are cheating on your husband and ruining your entire life
2) The guy you are cheating with is a whackadoodle

You need to stop seeing whackadoodle NOW. Go cold turkey. You will go through withdrawal but once you come out of the fog you'll see him for what he really is. And both your problems will be solved. Well, except for the ruining your life part. Time will tell with that one.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It is the women "in love" I find so hard. They just throw away their lives and their children's well being for a guy who is by definition a POS. 
It tears my heart because you can see the life they are creating for themselves and their kids. Not to mention the total destruction of the husband.

I'm not saying women are worse than men, just it effects me more.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> .
> 
> The man I am with has said a few times if I were to end things he would do something to himself...


Of course he would do something to himself..he'd find another married woman to have no strings attached sex with and destroy another family...


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

What makes you think your OM will leave his wife? You don't really believe him when he tells you that he no longer has sex with her, do you? Because that's one of the oldest lines in the Wayward Book. 

Don't believe me? Tell OM you're ready to move out. Ask him to tell his wife he's leaving her for you. Then he needs to get a place to live for both of you. Tell him that you'll move in with him as soon as he does. Give him a time limit, or he'll blow you off forever. Tell him he needs to tell her and move into your new love nest by the end of January. That will give him plenty of time if he's serious.

Tell him all that, and then watch him run like a scared rabbit. He has no intention of being with you permanently, don't you know that? You are an amusing distraction for when he wants a little 'strange' on the side. 

You'll learn that quickly if you do what I said, above.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

committedwife said:


> What makes you think your OM will leave his wife? You don't really believe him when he tells you that he no longer has sex with her, do you? Because that's one of the oldest lines in the Wayward Book.
> 
> Don't believe me? Tell OM you're ready to move out. Ask him to tell his wife he's leaving her for you. Then he needs to get a place to live for both of you. Tell him that you'll move in with him as soon as he does. Give him a time limit, or he'll blow you off forever. Tell him he needs to tell her and move into your new love nest by the end of January. That will give him plenty of time if he's serious.
> 
> ...


Oh so true.. My wife left for the other man 9 months ago. Leased a house and he is still "very close to separating"

I have to admit that the last time she said it I laughed. 
If a man loves you he will ACT and do things fast. Not linger at home getting sex on the side. He is absolutely having sex with his wife. LOL


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Loss for words as to how [email protected]#$ed-up this sitch is.


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

Thank you to the ones who have replied with some real sense. I am thankful to have found this board. Judge me as you will, I have not given a single excuse as to what I have done. I was up all night reading some of the people on here and I think you are right, I am confusing obsession with passion. I think he is a little obsessed with me, and reels me in when I start to distance myself. I almost don't know how to stop. That sounds completely retarded I know. My marriage is failing and has been for a long time. I am aware of that. However he is a fantastic father and I have stayed as long as I have because of that single reason. Yes I know if a friend was telling me that they stayed for the child I'd be the first hypocrite to say you don't stay for the kids. But thats easier said then done. I am working through this the best I can. Again, thank you to the ones who are really shedding a little light on this.. Its helping me think at least.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> Thank you to the ones who have replied with some real sense. I am thankful to have found this board. Judge me as you will, I have not given a single excuse as to what I have done. I was up all night reading some of the people on here and I think you are right, I am confusing obsession with passion. I think he is a little obsessed with me, and reels me in when I start to distance myself. I almost don't know how to stop. That sounds completely retarded I know. My marriage is failing and has been for a long time. I am aware of that. However he is a fantastic father and I have stayed as long as I have because of that single reason. Yes I know if a friend was telling me that they stayed for the child I'd be the first hypocrite to say you don't stay for the kids. But thats easier said then done. I am working through this the best I can. Again, thank you to the ones who are really shedding a little light on this.. Its helping me think at least.


Your marriage is failing but you're choosing to put this much energy and time into a relationship that has no hope? If you put as much time and energy into your marriage you wouldn't have started nor need to have an affair. Tell me, what was the last relationship book you read and when? Did you ever go to or suggest marriage counseling? How much effort have ou put into your marriage?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

lolly.lolly said:


> Some very good points. I am definitely in the clouds. Without a doubt.. I come down every now and then but can't seem to stay grounded.
> 
> The man I am with has said a few times if I were to end things he would do something to himself... I think he's just a very passionate man, but what if, what if he did.. I don't think I could handle it.


He's a total manipulator!!! You had better run the other direction! A man doesn't commit suicide over a woman he has been with a few weeks! I don't care how much he SAYS he loves you! He's a game player. You aren't looking past the stars in your eyes.


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

And he is acting. So thats why I think he really does have feelings for me. He has been with this women since he got her preganat at 21. He has been honest with me about being frightened of being on his own. That he left his parents home straight from college to being with her. He'd claimed to have had another affair early in their marriage. She controls all the money and household since day one. In the past month he's opened his own bank account, has told me that he's talked with her about having more financial freedom, (he makes a good amount of money but sees none of it) He's looking at apartments, but has to get the financials in order first. Has several things he wants to sell before he leaves to set her up financially so that he is not bailing on her. We have done and talked allot more about life then we've been just screwing. The obsession/passion thing has me very concerned. He makes jokes about him smothering me with attention since my husband simply ignores me all the time (not crying about it just saying) and I say oh I'll go shopping if I need some space and he responds with I'll just watch you from a distance to make sure no one is following you.. I think he is joking, but then again I don't know..


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

We tried counseling. It didn't change our problems. We tried vacations, 2 seperate times and both times we just "hung out" together. We get along we don't fight, but we are not intimate at all.. During the day we never chat.. Its have a nice day, and then at 5 its how was my sons day when I pick him up.. Its not healthy I know. Its been this way for a long time


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> We tried counseling. It didn't change our problems. We tried vacations, 2 seperate times and both times we just "hung out" together. We get along we don't fight, but we are not intimate at all.. During the day we never chat.. Its have a nice day, and then at 5 its how was my sons day when I pick him up.. Its not healthy I know. Its been this way for a long time


MC teaches one set of skills - typically how to communicate without fighting. Ok, so you've got the not arguing down.

Perhaps the two of your need a different form of couples education - how to build passion and fun into your life? 

My advice is to ditch the OM fast. He sounds like a creeper - he came on too strong too fast, and now he's clingy and demanding. Even if you were single - I'd tell you to run.

You also got to realize that the stuff he's telling you about leaving is all filled with reasons why it's going to take forever and actually not happen. Look, obviously he is a impulsive jump 10000% in kind of guy - look how he's already grabbing onto you.. Does that sound like the kind of guy who if really planning on leaving would have a long elaborate plan like he has told you - OR - would he jump into being gone and go?

The plan he told you is the classic cheating guy line to his OW. It's filed with woe about how controlling and awful his wife is, how you're setting him free with your presence and giving him strength, followed by a long set of actions and plans that need to work out so he can now finally be free.

Trouble is - they won't ever happen. Like the man who's wife has a headache every night instead of wanting sex, he is always going to have a reason why tonight it isn't going to happen, but maybe soon - but he's got some stuff he needs to work on first.....

You're being used and played.

btw - his being clingy and worried that you're being with your husband is also projection from him. He's still with his wife, and he's still having sex with her, and he's staying put. He's projecting his actions upon you and then accusing you of doing those things. Like the cheater who is convinced their spouse is cheating.

Ditch the creeper, and come fully clean to your husband AND to the OMW That exposure will help you stay clear of the OM.

It will also show you that the OM actually has no intention of leaving his wife, because the minute you tell his wife - he is going to throw you straight under the bus to save his own marriage.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> We tried counseling. It didn't change our problems. We tried vacations, 2 seperate times and both times we just "hung out" together. We get along we don't fight, but we are not intimate at all.. During the day we never chat.. Its have a nice day, and then at 5 its how was my sons day when I pick him up.. Its not healthy I know. Its been this way for a long time


All marriage counselors are not the same and it is really up to the two individuals as to what they get out of counseling. Read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley

As strange as this may sound your affair could be the catalyst that helps to motivate real change in your marriage. Or it could end it on the spot. But you knew that going in to the affair right?

Either way your husband has the right to know about what you have done.


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

About the OM- I think he really has feelings for me, I don't think he is being intimate with his wife, either way I need to close one door before I open another.. Its nice to be wanted by a man after being neglected by my spouse. 

I came very close to telling my spouse last night. It was on the tip of my tongue. And I chickened out.. I did.. We talked about our marriage and we both know its in a really bad place


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So already your affair partner is controlling you, asking to report what you are doing, if you are connecting at all with your actual husband.
> 
> Don't you see the huge red flags about the OM here? Don't you see how he is a controlling jerk ?
> 
> ...


I was going to post this exactly. Sounds very much as when I had an affair last year, my OM was crazy jealous of if I was having sex with my H. Then after seperating, it got even worse, he worried if I was with other men all the time. He was very insecure with himself, and really? do you want that full-time?

You need to tell him like yesterday. He'll figure it out anyway, and there will be more hell to pay.

You're deep in the fog, I've been there. Do the right thing.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> About the OM- I think he really has feelings for me, I don't think he is being intimate with his wife, either way I need to close one door before I open another.. Its nice to be wanted by a man after being neglected by my spouse.
> 
> I came very close to telling my spouse last night. It was on the tip of my tongue. And I chickened out.. I did.. We talked about our marriage and we both know its in a really bad place


He's boinking his wife believe me, they'll tell you all kinds of stuff to justify their cheating...boo hoo my wife doesn't give it to me anymore, never did, she's mean to me, doesn't understand me, blah blah blah

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I guess since I went through it myself, my eyes are so open to it all now.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> MC teaches one set of skills - typically how to communicate without fighting. Ok, so you've got the not arguing down.
> 
> Perhaps the two of your need a different form of couples education - how to build passion and fun into your life?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> About the OM- I think he really has feelings for me, I don't think he is being intimate with his wife, either way I need to close one door before I open another.. Its nice to be wanted by a man after being neglected by my spouse.
> 
> I came very close to telling my spouse last night. It was on the tip of my tongue. And I chickened out.. I did.. We talked about our marriage and we both know its in a really bad place


So, you both agree your marriage needs help. Now open up and tell him the truth, and see if it's salvageable, it won't be easy, believe me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't work on your "really bad place" marriage as long as you're fvcking someone else.

So axe the dramatic OM who claims, psycholotically and manipulatively, that he is going to off himself -- and either work on your marriage or get a divorce.

If someone made a comment to me about how they'd off themself if I cut it off with them, I would seriously be running for the door. A mentally stable and emotionally healthy person doesn't pull that kind of BS. It's a major red flag.

You owe your husband the truth. You owe your marriage the decency of a fair chance or a divorce w/o involving third mental-job problems.


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

I know my marriage is salvageable, I can't begin to tell you what we've gone threw.. What he and I discuss is do we WANT to save it.. We talk about how we aren't passionate or intimate anymore, and I don't know if you can get that back.. We suffered 5 miscarriages and another 5 years of doctors proding and poking us to have our child. IT did alot of damage to our intimate life. I don't know if thats repairable.


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

FARK i am such a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am tired of walking around not knowing who I am where I am or what to do anymore. I am so sick of the lying and the sneaking.. But how do you just stop.. I've told him how in love I am with him and now I am doubting all of it. Its going to crush him! I just don't see him as a jerk, a little unstable, but not a jerk.


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## TallE (Dec 12, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> And he is acting. So thats why I think he really does have feelings for me. He has been with this women since he got her preganat at 21. He has been honest with me about being frightened of being on his own. That he left his parents home straight from college to being with her. He'd claimed to have had another affair early in their marriage. She controls all the money and household since day one. In the past month he's opened his own bank account, has told me that he's talked with her about having more financial freedom, (he makes a good amount of money but sees none of it) He's looking at apartments, but has to get the financials in order first. Has several things he wants to sell before he leaves to set her up financially so that he is not bailing on her. We have done and talked allot more about life then we've been just screwing. The obsession/passion thing has me very concerned. He makes jokes about him smothering me with attention since my husband simply ignores me all the time (not crying about it just saying) and I say oh I'll go shopping if I need some space and he responds with I'll just watch you from a distance to make sure no one is following you.. I think he is joking, but then again I don't know..


When I read your posts it's like I am reading something that a naive teen wrote, not a grown adult with life experience. 

Just listen to yourself. 

1) He implies that if you leave him he will kill himself and you seem to think that on some level that is sweet in a Shakespearean tragedy sort of way rather than a HUGE red flag of mental instability.

2) He admits to you that he has had an affair on her in the past, which now makes it 2 confirmed. A normal adult would conclude that he is a serial cheater but you completely overlook this and tell yourself that you are different because he loves you.

3) He tells you that he is not being intimate with his wife, but you overlook the fact that he is a proven liar (must be since he is a serial cheater) and tell yourself that he must be telling the truth because he is in love with you.

4) He implies that he will stalk you if you pull away from him. Again obvious flag of abnormal behavior but you ignore this.

If I were you, I would take a hard look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "what is wrong with ME"? Why is my behavior so immature? Is it because my head is in the clouds or because of some other underlying reasons? If I were you, I would seek IC to try to get to the bottom of your actions. I am not saying this to attack you, but to rather give you an objective opinion.

Whether you decide to stay in your marriage or not is one thing. But even if you were single, is this the kind of man that you want to enter into a mature and healthy relationship with? Really? If you answer yes, the I definitely think that there is something wrong with you.

Oh and another thing. Based on how you are relaying the story, it doesn't make any sense that he makes a lot of money but that she has control over it. Maybe I am missing something, but I cannot conceive of a situation where my pay is not under my control. Sounds like total BS to me which makes me wonder why would he fabricate this. Another red flag.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> I know my marriage is salvageable, I can't begin to tell you what we've gone threw.. What he and I discuss is do we WANT to save it.. We talk about how we aren't passionate or intimate anymore, and I don't know if you can get that back.. We suffered 5 miscarriages and another 5 years of doctors proding and poking us to have our child. IT did alot of damage to our intimate life. I don't know if thats repairable.


I was where you are now, and I also suffered multiple miscarriages, it's one of the most devastating thing a couple can go through. I used to feel like our sex life revolved around "baby making", and then we'd end up loosing out anyway. Yes, the passion slips, but don't justify these things to have an affair. It's an escape to your problems, it's taboo, it's fun....but it's damn destructive to a marriage.

You can get the passion back, we did, with MC and a lot of hard work you can get back to a healthy place.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> FARK i am such a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> I am tired of walking around not knowing who I am where I am or what to do anymore. I am so sick of the lying and the sneaking.. But how do you just stop.. I've told him how in love I am with him and now I am doubting all of it. Its going to crush him! I just don't see him as a jerk, a little unstable, but not a jerk.


You have to think about your husband now, never mind OM, he's survive. Your marriage is what's important, not some man who you've been seeing for a few months. Chance are, he's done this before. He sounds very manipulating.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> FARK i am such a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> I am tired of walking around not knowing who I am where I am or what to do anymore. I am so sick of the lying and the sneaking.. But how do you just stop.. I've told him how in love I am with him and now I am doubting all of it. Its going to crush him! I just don't see him as a jerk, a little unstable, but not a jerk.


]

He is a jerk, a married jerk that got involved with a married woman...let me ask you, if one of your girl friends told you the exact same story as you have told it, what would you be thinking of her and this guy? what if it was your husband doing this to you, how would you feel then...

The O/M is lying his ass of to you, he is not gonna leave his wife, no way no how, he is going to be a cake eater, why would he not?


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

everytime we are together she is calling him and questioning everything down to why did you buy gatoraid at 11:00am today at the store when there's gatoraid in the house.. I hear the conversation.. She is terribly controlling with the finances. Just to give you an answer on the money thing. When I encouraged him to have his own bank account it frightened him.. Now he is so excited to have some of his own money.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> everytime we are together she is calling him and questioning everything down to why did you buy gatoraid at 11:00am today at the store when there's gatoraid in the house.. I hear the conversation.. She is terribly controlling with the finances. Just to give you an answer on the money thing. When I encouraged him to have his own bank account it frightened him.. Now he is so excited to have some of his own money.


How about this idea- she suspects he is cheating and she's trying to lock him down to find out if it's true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

Oh I am not justifying my actions AT ALL! I swear I am not! Just giving you the details when a question comes up. What I am doing is wrong on every level. I know that.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> everytime we are together she is calling him and questioning everything down to why did you buy gatoraid at 11:00am today at the store when there's gatoraid in the house.. I hear the conversation.. She is terribly controlling with the finances. Just to give you an answer on the money thing. When I encouraged him to have his own bank account it frightened him.. Now he is so excited to have some of his own money.


Doubt she is controlling, she is seeing the red flags to and trying to figure what the hell is going on....wonder why???

sorrry shaggy you beat me to it..lol


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> About the OM- I think he really has feelings for me, I don't think he is being intimate with his wife, either way I need to close one door before I open another.. Its nice to be wanted by a man after being neglected by my spouse.
> 
> I came very close to telling my spouse last night. It was on the tip of my tongue. And I chickened out.. I did.. We talked about our marriage and we both know its in a really bad place


If you're being neglected by your spouse, it's your fault. Hear me out. He had an EA, he hurt you and therefore you built this wall around you, to protect yourself. He's on the other side of it and you won't allow him in. Then, you have an affair. Because of your screwed up feelings and your guilt, you've just been adding more bricks and mortar to that wall. Your husband knows it and feels it. So, if he can't get through to you, then why bother? You won't let him in. Therefore, he has no choice but to settle for the status quo. 
MC didn't work. Well, of course it didn't. That would require that wall to come down and do the work involved. That would mean that you would have to be vulnerable again. You would have to face your own guilt about what you have done. It would mean that you would have to tell your secrets. So, yeah....MC didn't work and it didn't surprise me that you wrote that.

You don't respect your husband. However, it's mind boggling that you would have so much respect for the OM. There is nothing special about the OM. He's not your "knight in Shining Armour" He is the man that is going to ruin is family and destroy yours, and he doesn't care who he hurts in the process, as long as he gets what he wants. That's not a man in my book, that's something a selfish child would do. If you don't think that your actions will affect anyone. Believe me. It will. Your children are going to be hurt beyond belief. I don't know how old they are, but if they're older they'll be able to piece together what exactly happened. Kids aren't stupid, they'll figure out that mom left dad for another man and you'll break their hearts. They will feel that you valued the OM more than the family; and therefore. you valued the OM over them because you made the choice to leave them for him. Once they realize this, they will never FULLY accept the relationship you have with the OM, they may never accept the OM as part of their lives. He'll just be the guy that ripped your family apart. So, I really hate it when people that are in affair state that the children will be fine (you didn't say this, but others have). They won't be. You're going to cause a lot of tears. 

So, sorry about the guilt trip. But, I think you needed a dose of reality slapping the back of your head.


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## AB1 (Oct 25, 2011)

The OM is doing BOTH of you. 

Keep a copy of this note. You will be divorced twice in the next 5 years. 

Way too much fantasy here.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like the only help you want is the help that matches with what you want to do. You need to start being honest about where this is going.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This guy is classic manipulator. Wjhen I say classic, I really mean it. He confides in you his problems. Your mother instinct takes over and you want to fix them. That is how the emotional attachment starts. He will be abusive once you become dependent on him. You will see his dark side sooner or later. You are still in the good phase now. I can bet on it. best thing would be separation, both from this guy and your husband.If you cannot fix it with your husband, date other guys. How can 2 cheaters survive a marriage anyway?



Just try getting on his bad side(Ignore, don't call, be cold for a period of time) . The suicide threats are just the beginning


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call the OMW about her husband and see how many microseconds it takes before he dumps you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> I know my marriage is salvageable, I can't begin to tell you what we've gone threw.. What he and I discuss is do we WANT to save it..


Lolly, you can't "SAVE" your marriage if you are having an affair with someone else and straight up betraying your husband. In fact, you have no marriage to save as long as you are carrying on w/ someone else.

That's not rocket science.



lolly.lolly said:


> FARK i am such a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> I am tired of walking around not knowing who I am where I am or what to do anymore. I am so sick of the lying and the sneaking.. *But how do you just stop*.. I've told him how in love I am with him and now I am doubting all of it. Its going to crush him! I just don't see him as a jerk, a little unstable, but not a jerk.


How do you stop? The same way you STOP doing everything else: just stop. 



lolly.lolly said:


> everytime we are together she is calling him and questioning everything down to why did you buy gatoraid at 11:00am today at the store when there's gatoraid in the house.. I hear the conversation.. She is terribly controlling with the finances.


Gee, I wonder why she is calling him and questioning everything. She probably suspects he's having an affair. When someone is having an affair, they act very strange and out of character and the spouse nearly always picks up on it. That is what is happening here. You can't fault her or call her "controlling" when *you are sleeping with her husband and interefering with their marriage*. It's sick. 



lolly.lolly said:


> Just to give you an answer on the money thing. When I encouraged him to have his own bank account it frightened him.. Now he is so excited to have some of his own money.


You are playing with serious fire here. Not only are you sleeping with a married man and betraying both of your marriages, you are not interfering with this man and his wife's financial issues.

BUTT out. It has NOTHING to do with you.

How would you like it if your husband was having an affair with someone and changing around financial things to YOUR detriment??? How would you feel to know some other woman is sitting next to him hearing private conversations you are having with him and then she has the nerve to call you "controlling?"

Seriously?!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> everytime we are together she is calling him and questioning everything down to why did you buy gatoraid at 11:00am today at the store when there's gatoraid in the house.. I hear the conversation.. She is terribly controlling with the finances. Just to give you an answer on the money thing. When I encouraged him to have his own bank account it frightened him.. Now he is so excited to have some of his own money.


OMG, this sounds so much like my OM, ok, she is "controling" because she knows he's an effin' cheater and a louse. OM's wife used to do the same thing, call him all the time, asking where he was, she used to ask him (while with me) "how come you don't say I love you when you're at work". He's sneaking out to talk to you or be with you and she KNOWS for cripes sake, he's done this before, she just can't prove it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> How about this idea- she suspects he is cheating and she's trying to lock him down to find out if it's true.


Duh! That is exactly what is going on.



lolly.lolly said:


> Oh I am not justifying my actions AT ALL! I swear I am not! Just giving you the details when a question comes up. *What I am doing is wrong on every level. I know that*.


So stop. 

Oh and just to go back to your original post:

_*5 years ago he had an EA and then again with another women last year. Both ended when I got wind of them, but I was humiliated. Both times I've confronted the women in person. Stood my ground, this is my family. *_

It's very hypocritical that you were aware of what was going on in that case but yet you won't tell your husband you are having an affair.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Call the OMW about her husband and see how many microseconds it takes before he dumps you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

Hopeless!!!!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> This guy is classic manipulator. Wjhen I say classic, I really mean it. He confides in you his problems. Your mother instinct takes over and you want to fix them. That is how the emotional attachment starts. He will be abusive once you become dependent on him. You will see his dark side sooner or later. You are still in the good phase now. I can bet on it. best thing would be separation, both from this guy and your husband.If you cannot fix it with your husband, date other guys. How can 2 cheaters survive a marriage anyway?
> 
> 
> 
> Just try getting on his bad side(Ignore, don't call, be cold for a period of time) . The suicide threats are just the beginning


I actually did this to OM, and wow, serious behavior occured.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're playing a very dangerous game, you know? I agree with the others, she's suspicious. And she will likely figure things out. And when she does, what do you think the odds are that she'll let your husband know? Reasonably high, I'd guess.

If you want to try to save your marriage, your priority has to be 100% with your husband. One note to your OM: "I'm sorry, but I need to try to fix things in my marriage. Please don't contact me again.". If he contacts toy again, tell him the next time he does that, it'll be going to his wife.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Whoa!! I'm really triggering with this thread.

Om actually told me once that he tried to shoot himself when he was younger, yeah, they'll tell you anything to get you closer, especially when they feel you are slowly withdrawing.


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## AB1 (Oct 25, 2011)

vickyyy said:


> Hopeless!!!!


:iagree:


Wish I was her divorce attorney. This lady may be good for a few cases over the years.


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## lolly.lolly (Dec 6, 2011)

I can't thank you enough for all the different insights into this. Some I agree with others not so much. 
I don't want to take up the whole day, so will end it here for now. 
I will always be around, I've been lurking on this board for a month now and I am glad to have found it. Seriously thank you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She's not interested in our advice to help her, she's just venting.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here's a thing to worry you: his wife has an idea he's cheating. She is going to hire a PI or do some of the other investigation things from forums like this one, and she is gong to find your husband and expose your cheating.

Your husband and kids are going to find out through her - everything.

The OM will dump you and you will be alone, because your husband is going to extra shocked because he was told by the OMW.

He will file for divorce and sole custody. You will be out of the house, out of your kids lives, and out of the marriage, and without the OM who will be back working on his marriage.

Deal with it now and you can salvage your life and family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'd be curious as to which opinions she didn't agree with....they were all the same....sheesh


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Here's a thing to worry you: his wife has an idea he's cheating.


Stop talking all that sense and logic, Shaggy.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

lolly.lolly said:


> I can't thank you enough for all the different insights into this. Some I agree with others not so much.


She agrees with the ones she wants to hear, and disagrees with the truth.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm finding it harder and harder to answer posts like this anymore


told ya so!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ You feeling all right, AR? Now you are talking to yourself.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Here's a thing to worry you: his wife has an idea he's cheating. She is going to hire a PI or do some of the other investigation things from forums like this one, and she is gong to find your husband and expose your cheating.
> 
> Your husband and kids are going to find out through her - everything.
> 
> ...


I'm guessing that this is one of the pieces of advice that she'll "disagree" with.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Lolly,

You want to know what to do. First you need to realize how you got here.

You and your husband were arguing...a lot. Mostly it was about things that really don't matter. But neither of you knew how to stop. You went to marriage counseling. The counselor helped you and your husband learn how to communicate better. After a time the arguing stopped, or was at least seriously reduced. For a while you both were so relieved to not be fighting so much. Eventually you both became complacent in your marriage. But at some point you realized that something was missing. The romance was gone. Maybe at first you both figured that this was the best it was going to be. Maybe you figured that being parents and companions was how it would always be. But you missed that romance, that passion, that affection. And you knew that your husband wasn't providing that for you anymore. There may have been reasons. Maybe you weren't providing his sexual needs. Maybe you weren't providing him with praise or admiration. It really doesn't matter what you weren't providing for him does it. Because you were focused on what you weren't getting.

Eventually you started confiding in another man. Maybe he was a neighbor. Maybe he was a coworker. It really doesn't matter. You started telling him intimate details about your marriage. He began confiding in you about his marriage and how bad it was. He began to show you affection. You two became closer and before you knew it you were in an affair. You became confused. Your lover was providing the affection you so desperately craved but your husband was still providing for all your other needs. He was providing for your need for financial support. He was providing for your need for him to be a good father. He was even providing for your need for communication because he went to marriage counseling with you. Something that your lover did not do. At some point you probably started seeing traits in your lover that proved he was not the knight in shining armor you originally took him to be. In fact, you probably realized that he is not nearly the man that your husband is. But it was too late. You were already addicted to the affection he was providing to you.

So what do you do? Let me first tell you what will happen if you do nothing.

Your husband will find out. They always do. He will be devastated. His heart will break. You have killed his spirit. You have destroyed his soul. He will probably divorce you. After all you broke his trust and humiliated him. You were the one person in this world that he could count on above all others. Now he knows that isn’t true. You will go running to your lover for support. At first he will be there for you because while he’s supporting you he will be getting free pu$$y. Eventually though you will look toward your lover to provide the needs that your husband is no longer providing. But you will find that he won’t provide these needs. He can’t provide these needs because he is already providing them to his wife. But let’s suppose that your husband is so upset that he tells your lover’s wife about his affair with you. Let’s suppose she throws him out and you two get together. Happy ending right? Wrong! Why? Because neither of you will be able to trust the other. After all you are both cheaters. When he comes home from work late you will think he’s cheating on you. When you go to a girlfriend’s house he will think you are cheating on him. You won’t last 5 years together because statistics show that less than 3% of relationships like that survive past the 5 year mark.

Either way you will end up with no man providing any of your needs. You will be alone. But wait. You have your children right? Well, someday they will find out the real reason Daddy left them. They will resent you. They will hate you. They will leave you. And you will buy a cat.

So what can you do? END YOUR AFFAIR NOW. Not in a week. Not tomorrow. NOW!!! Tell your husband right away and do not lie about anything. He may still divorce you but you will be surprised how forgiving spouses can be if they see real remorse. If you go to the thread called Long Term Reconciliation you will see my story. In many ways it mirrors yours. My wife had an affair. She ended it and begged for another chance. I always said if she had an affair I would divorce her in a NY minute. I always said I could never restore the trust. I was wrong. She worked her a$$ off and proved to me that she really wanted to repair our marriage. That was 20 years ago and our marriage is stronger and better than I ever thought it could be. However, if I had found out about her affair before she ended it or if she had been less than truthful about anything we would not be together now.

The time for talk is over. You know what you need to do. Now go do it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In this case they both need to work on their mutual infidelities and figure out what to do but that can't happen as long as she's actively having an affair.

Her husband needs to own his cheating too.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

@Beowulf.....slipped the cat in did ya:rofl:


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

TRIGGER WARNING...

I found this list on another Forum. Crap your new cheating POS 
tells you.. This is written by the OM and OW .. 

1. He says there's an unbelievable connection between you two and makes you believe there really is. 

2. He tells you you guys are a match made in heaven. That is, if he wasn't already married. 

3. He says he doesn't love his wife anymore and has checked out long before Apple was trendy but is staying for his kids, or his wife is mental and will kill herself if he leaves her. 

4. He's so attentive you believe even your past single boyfriends couldn't compare. 

5. He tells you that you should hold onto the A because no other single guys would be able to give you the connection you guys have.

6. He convinces you that he's hurt if you don't return his calls or meet with him, and he's only feeling this way because it's true love.

7. He tells you he has a lot of problems in his marriage, and him not able to leave is making him miserable. Without a spark of creativity, he says only you can take away his misery. 

8. He says he's in the midst of a divorce or is planning one. If only there's a right opportunity to bring it up. 

9. He tells you he's looking for that one person that will make him firm up his decision to leave his wife. And that person could be you. 

10. He tells you he can read you so well no other people comes close. And he goes on to reading you and convinces you you have a certain trait you never knew existed. 

11. He asks how could you doubt my love for you?

12. He tells you his wife knows about his As. 

13. He says his wife and him are just staying in the marriage for their kids so she won't come after you. 

14. He tells you he's a "relationship man" and longs to be in a long-term relationship. Oh hold on, he's already in one. 

15. He talks about sex quite a lot, and tells you he's a sexual person. 

16. He says you're judging him and his actions when you remind him that he's an MM. 

17. "I sleep on the couch as we're nothing more than roommates now."

18. "I haven't had sex with my wife in _______ years..." (fill in the blank)

19. "I got my wife pregnant and was forced to marry her. I'm stuck here now, doing the right thing..."

20. "We're soulmates" (ROFL! One of my faves)

21. "If only we hadn't met at the wrong time...."

22. "I'm leaving right after the holidays.." (though he doesn't say what YEAR that might be!)

23. "If you can just wait 12 years til my youngest graduates high school, I'm all yours!!"

24. "I SWEAR I'd leave tomorrow if I could, but I'm afraid my wife will: 
a) take the kids back to her home country; 
b) make sure I never see the kids again; 
c) try to commit suicide; 
d) take me for everything I'm worth and leave me penniless!; abuse the children as she's not mentally sound! And on and on and on. Choose one answer (although many MM use most or all of the excuses above to stay where they want to stay).


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Lolly....

I would bet money your husband would love a fraction of the emotion, concern, sex, and investment you are giving your other man.

Now I only have your posts to go by but your other man is not well.
1. Saying he would do something to himself: manipulative and passive aggressive 
2. The calls, seeking information of your location and activity: passive aggressive, possessive, pure obsessive disorder
3. Watching you from affare: OMG, see 1 and 2
4. Blurting this sickness out and the lies: Impulse control

Have you considered that his wife is the way she is because of his behavior in their relationship.....regarding the finances I would guarantee that he blew his paycheck or maxed out credit cards on impulse purchased or gambling or loaning/giving to people that he was trying to manipulate. Think about it, wouldn't you take control of your finances after a few missed mortgage payments, utility shut offs, no food for kids..........

This guy, ad you describe is bad news.....you should be concerned over harm coming to your husband, child, and yourself. If you continue this relationship - especially if you set-up house with him your going to find yourself in a world of bad news. 

I would see you needing to get a restraining order against him.....

Look it is common practice for thease types to "joke off" their comments and actions when they see a negative or concerned reaction from their target obsession.

Your going to be a victim unless you smarten up. Your in deep trouble, your the first TAM poster that I have deep concerns for.

I hope your child doesn't have a rabbit for a pet!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> Your going to be a victim unless you smarten up. Your in deep trouble, your the first TAM poster that I have deep concerns for.



You may have noticed a lot of posts on your thread.. 
You are qualifying an an emergency. 
There has been a lot of effort put in to your situation by people who have seen this a thousand times before, in most cases a few posts are made about it being a poor life choice and the Cheater is left to their own devices.
The advice is given to end the affair then the thread dies. 

In your case. Even in the glowing terms you describe your affair partner he looks like very bad news indeed which is why TOTAL STRANGERS have taken time out of their day to help you. Many of the people on this thread have been in the same place you have been. Felt the same. the same intensity.
Do not confuse intensity with intimacy. 

Take a break from this man for 6 months, if the love is real it will last. No contact at all. It will give you time to think. 
Good luck


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

End the affair with loverboy. It will never work out between you. Right now you are a cheater and you're no better than your husband(cheating is a bad habit to get into). Then divorce that cheating scumbag husband of yours. Don't date during the proceedings: take the time to just be with yourself. When the divorce is finalyzed, then you can start dating again and find yourself a good man. That is the proper sequence. Quit being a floozey!!! Sorry, I have little tolerance for cheaters of any sort.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sometimes I feel like we get "seminar" posters - folks who come on the boards to yank some chains. Getting that feeling on this poster, folks.


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