# Back together after divorce



## havana

Hi All, 

I am new to the forum and don't usually post on sites like this. I am very confused now and just need to talk so thanks in advance for listening.

My ex-husband and I were married for 12 years. We've been divorced for the last 3. The divorce was horrible! It is the worst thing I have ever been through and it is my biggest regret in life. I was the one who initiated the divorce and I think it was a mid-life crisis. I know it was also very hard on him and hated myself for putting him through it. We've had very little contact during the 3 years.

We were generally happy during our marriage and just started to drift apart in the last year leading up to the divorce. Even during that time we weren't fighting, just not talking much.

Recently some hard circumstances have brought us back together. We basically both laid out our feelings of regret and apologies for the things that occurred during the (horrible) divorce process. We talked in detail about reconciling; What we would tell our families, whether we should move away, what our plans for the future would be, how we would tell our daughter. We slept together.

Afterward, all he talked about was how much he cared about his girlfriend and how he just got over me and was moving on with his life, etc. It was pretty hurtful. I accept that I am the one who gave up on our marriage. I wouldn't hold it against him if he did not want to reconcile. So I backed off. I decided not to initiate further contact unless he contacted me. I don't want to get back together unless that is what he wants, it's too painful.

He is out of town on business and called me tonight. Telling me he is confused and doesn't know what he will do. He always loved me, etc. I was confused about if he would like to reconcile... but after that call I believe that he wants that, too.

Has anyone been through a divorce and gotten back together? DO PEOPLE DO THIS? I feel like we are just bad at life what is wrong with me? We're supposed to hate each other why don't we?


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## ToothFairy

So he cheated on his girlfriend that he cares about??


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## DayOne

Is he still with someone else? If so, stomp this down, right now.

There's a vary real danger of YOU becoming the Other Woman (OW). How ironic would that be. 

If he's not in a relationship, and you feel strong enough to VERY tentatively explore this further, then at least see if there's a possibility.

But slowly, oh so slowly. Keep yourself at 50,000ft. Observe, be dispassionate, neutral. But not cold and emotionless. You'll need to be in constant touch with your emotions, your spidey sense. 

It may be that he has become someone different. Not the man you divorced. But if that's the case, be sure that this guy is someone you are attracted to, and not just someone you remember and are using your 'old' love for.


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## havana

I'm not sure how serious it is with the girlfriend. I only know what he has elected to tell me and I only learned about her in the past couple of weeks.

She is in her early 20's and he is nearly 40. He gave her the car that I drove while we were married and purchased a lot of expensive things for her. They see each other once per week if they are both in town. To me that sounds like she is using him for a free car and expensive gifts. (I have not told him I think that.)

The way I understand it, they were just dating and had only recently decided to try and get more serious with the relationship. He said he didn't really have time for her and there was an issue with her wanting children in the future. He just had a vasectomy (and does not want more children.)

I believe he may be telling me the relationship is more serious than it is because he doesn't want me to judge him for giving her my car.


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## havana

Oh yes, absolutely if we decided to move forward with anything I would ask him to break it off with her first. And also to tell her she needs to return the car. I really can't believe he gave her my (former) car and it actually REALLY bothers me. He would need to get it back like immediately. No way he will continue making payments so some other girl can drive it around. How stupid. 

I thought that we should probably start "dating" first so we can work out some of the things that caused us to grow apart. 

I'm also kind of wondering if we would be able to forgive and forget the whole divorce. The process was so horrible I think we both behaved pretty badly. I don't feel like we are holding that stuff against one another at this point, but it may cause animosity between us after a while.


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## DayOne

havana said:


> Oh yes, absolutely if we decided to move forward with anything I would ask him to break it off with her first.
> 
> *Ask? No. TELL. *
> 
> And also to tell her she needs to return the car. I really can't believe he gave her my (former) car and it actually REALLY bothers me. He would need to get it back like immediately. No way he will continue making payments so some other girl can drive it around. How stupid.
> 
> *Agreed. Potential dealbreaker there. It'll show you whether he's serious or not.*
> 
> I thought that we should probably start "dating" first so we can work out some of the things that caused us to grow apart.
> 
> *Good idea. That's what we're doing. Slow and steady. *
> 
> I'm also kind of wondering if we would be able to forgive and forget the whole divorce. The process was so horrible I think we both behaved pretty badly. I don't feel like we are holding that stuff against one another at this point, but it may cause animosity between us after a while.
> 
> *You're both going to have to talk. And talk. And talk. And then talk some more. If you can't or won't (both of you), then you can't lay the past to rest, and the future will be built on sand.*


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## cyclone

Wait, you slept together and he has a girlfriend? You two deserve each other.


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## Jellybeans

Yes, it does happen. 

I have a relative who got back with their ex spouse after their divorce.


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## havana

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, it does happen.
> 
> I have a relative who got back with their ex spouse after their divorce.


May I ask if they stayed together and what your family thought about the whole thing? Neither of us want to face our families and try to explain it. We both feel stupid... but at the same time we feel like they're not us so they shouldn't care. But you know, people have opinions.



> Ask? No. TELL.


I like you, DayOne!


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## bandit.45

havana said:


> Oh yes, absolutely if we decided to move forward with anything I would ask him to break it off with her first. And also to tell her she needs to return the car. I really can't believe he gave her my (former) car and it actually REALLY bothers me. He would need to get it back like immediately. No way he will continue making payments so some other girl can drive it around. How stupid.
> 
> I thought that we should probably start "dating" first so we can work out some of the things that caused us to grow apart.
> 
> I'm also kind of wondering if we would be able to forgive and forget the whole divorce. The process was so horrible I think we both behaved pretty badly. I don't feel like we are holding that stuff against one another at this point, but it may cause animosity between us after a while.



Question:

Did you just want out of the marriage in order to find yourself or were you after another man?


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## bandit.45

havana said:


> Oh yes, absolutely if we decided to move forward with anything I would ask him to break it off with her first. And also to tell her she needs to return the car. I really can't believe he gave her my (former) car and it actually REALLY bothers me. He would need to get it back like immediately. No way he will continue making payments so some other girl can drive it around. How stupid.
> .


No. You're the one who was stupid for ending your marriage and dragging your ex husband's heart through the mud. And you have the audacity to be pissed about a crummy vehicle? 

If the divorce decree gave him the car, he has a right to sell it, give it away, take it out in the desert and burn it....you have no say in the matter. 

Your ex should tell his GF he cheated on her and give her full title to the car. She deserves something positive from him. Then he should break up with her because, well, he's a jerk. That girl's heart is going to be destroyed. You act like its no big deal. 

You and him should never talk again until you better yourselves as human beings. Both of you have work to do on yourselves. Lots of work. You for your selfishness and him for his crap boundaries.


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## ConanHub

I was also curious about your MLC. Did it involve another man? Also, you describe the divorce as a horrible event. Yet you were the one to pull the trigger on that event. How have you changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

havana said:


> May I ask if they stayed together and what your family thought about the whole thing? Neither of us want to face our families and try to explain it. We both feel stupid... but at the same time we feel like they're not us so they shouldn't care. But you know, people have opinions.


Everyone was happy.

Your marriage, your relationship should be based on what you two think, not anyone else.


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## Jellybeans

bandit.45 said:


> No. You're the one who was stupid for ending your marriage and dragging your ex husband's heart through the mud. And you have the audacity to be pissed about a crummy vehicle?
> 
> If the divorce decree gave him the car, he has a right to sell it, give it away, take it out in the desert and burn it....you have no say in the matter.
> 
> Your ex should tell his GF he cheated on her and give her full title to the car. She deserves something positive from him. Then he should break up with her because, well, he's a jerk. That girl's heart is going to be destroyed. You act like its no big deal.
> 
> You and him should never talk again until you better yourselves as human beings. Both of you have work to do on yourselves. Lots of work. You for your selfishness and him for his crap boundaries.


You mad today? This posts comes across as kind of mean.


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## ConanHub

They did cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Jellybeans said:


> You mad today? This posts comes across as kind of mean.


No. Not mad. I Just don't understand why she's hung up on a car. The car was part of her marriage. She threw her marriage away. That car is a side note to bigger issues. And I stand by what I've said. They both need to do some work on themselves. I feel bad for this poor girl who's heart is going to be thrashed.


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## havana

Well I mean, clearly she HAS gotten something positive from the relationship: he is paying for her car, registration and auto insurance and has bought her several thousands in gifts that I'm sure she will keep. I mean, I don't know her, I'm not sure why I'm expected to care about her. She is 20, he isn't going to marry her or have children with her and obviously he's not that serious about her if he is initiating this with me. I'm sorry if you find that irritating but we were married for a long time. I still see him as my husband and my child's father. I can't change that. This girl was 9 years old when we got married. So yeah, I don't take her seriously.

The reasons for the divorce are complex as in every divorce. As I said, we grew apart. he wouldn't attend important events with me, and every night went to bed as soon as he got home from work without even eating dinner with the family. It was an emotional disconnect. Meanwhile, I married him when I was 19 years old and I started to feel that if my husband was going to be unresponsive maybe I'd be better off alone.

I feel bad enough and that response was pretty harsh. I know there are people on here that have experienced infidelity and I'm not trying to be insensitive... But I'm not being rude, I'm just talking about my own experience.


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## Jellybeans

bandit.45 said:


> No. Not mad. I Just don't understand why she's hung up on a car. The car was part of her marriage. She threw her marriage away. That car is a side note to bigger issues. And I stand by what I've said. They both need to do some work on themselves. I feel bad for this poor girl who's heart is going to be thrashed.


She's upset because it used to be hers and was with him for a long time. I don't think it's so weird that she feels icky about someone new driving her old car. I wasn't attributing you sounding angry to her thoughts about the car though. It was in you calling her stupid, selfish, etc.


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## havana

Also, just saying... I feel that she is the one taking advantage of him in this situation. If he came and posted here about the relationship saying "I pay for her car and bought her these expensive gifts, but she spends all her time in another state and doesn't even call me while she is away and barely has time to see me while she is in town." You would tell him to run.


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## bandit.45

havana said:


> Also, just saying... I feel that she is the one taking advantage of him in this situation. If he came and posted here about the relationship saying "I pay for her car and bought her these expensive gifts, but she spends all her time in another state and doesn't even call me while she is away and barely has time to see me while she is in town." You would tell him to run.


She's not taking advantage of him. Your ex is enjoying her sexual attention, he knows the score, and you cannot be sure as to her motives. She may very well be in love with him. You are only assuming it's a sugar-daddy relationship going on.

Anyway, wasn't meaning to stir the water. I just was offering an objective opinion. I'll jump ship now.


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## bandit.45

I apologize for calling you stupid Havana. I change that to "misguided".....


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## havana

It's true that I am assuming it's a sugar daddy relationship. I don't have any fantasies that he isn't enjoying sex with her and I'm sure she has strong feelings. But again, I don't know her. It's hard for me to be concerned.

I'm hung upon the car only because it was mine. I didn't even mention her returning the other gifts... Which are different because they were purchased for HER, not for me.

And if we were to resume our relationship the car would be a problem because its registered to him and he is paying for it. Thus keeping them connected. Maybe if she wants to purchase it and keep it in her own name that would be ok. But something tells me she would probably have her own car if she could afford to do so.

I was the one who initiated the divorce, but you seem to be making a the assumption that it's also MY FAULT. He has plenty of his own blame in our divorce. We didn't get divorced because I walked away one day, we had issues that he refused to dea with me. He refused counseling, he said we didn't have problems. So yes, ultimately I initiated the divorce but he wouldn't wirk with me to solve anything either.


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## Rowan

I have to agree with others that you seem really hung up on what he's given to his girlfriend. I'm rather afraid, though, that what he's given her or spent on her is none of your business. He didn't giver her your car. He gave her _his_ car, which you lost to him in the divorce. And he's not spending your money on gifts. He's spending _his_ money, which you have no claim to since your divorce. By rights, you really shouldn't even know about any of that. Because - despite your obvious feeling of having a claim to him - he is not your husband. In fact, he hasn't been your husband in three years. 

Which brings up the next point. She's not unimportant or trivial. She's his girlfriend. You don't get to decide if that relationship is okay or if it meets your standards for importance. Because, again, you are not his wife. Right now, you're the other woman. You gave up your legitimate claim to him when you divorced him. That you still think of him as yours and are willing to cheat with him, speaks poorly of you. That you think you needn't be concerned about her because you don't know her bespeaks a rather serious lack of empathy on your part. He's cheating on her with you. If you aren't worried about her, at least be concerned that he's a cheater. 

And, finally, you describe the divorce itself as being horrible and you both behaving badly. In what ways are you and he fundamentally different people than you were three years ago when you couldn't divorce without tons of drama and bad behavior? How has he changed to correct the behaviors you couldn't live with when you were married? How have you changed to correct the behaviors that supported your unhealthy marital dynamic? Because, sadly, nothing changes if nothing changes. Unless you've both done a lot of hard work, you will likely find that, after the honeymoon phase wears off again, you two are the same people who got divorced three years ago.


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## Hardtohandle

I think I read things correctly and reread.. 

I do not see anywhere, where the havana says she cheated on her husband or that her and her ex husband cheated on the current GF.. So where are we getting anyone cheated..

The only impression I can get is they grew apart for whatever reason.. But I did read cheating anywhere..

What I will say is that havana is sort of blind that is not reading the responses and addressing what people are concerned or questioning her about.. 

I do agree that any discussion about the car are material items is nonsense.. Who really gives a sh!t when it comes to your relationship and marriage.. If I wanted my Ex wife back ( again IF ) I wouldn't care about the truck the other man is driving or the 55k I gave her when she left or the furniture she has or doesn't have when she came back.. I would just be happy to have her back.. 

havana, I would suggest counseling along with a slow process of reconciliation..


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## ConanHub

Yup to Rowan. H2H, her x still has a girlfriend and they had sex=cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown

How is your daughter or child handling this?

Do not get her excited that the family will be put back together, until you are sure.

Have you and your ex ever gone to MC? He would not back then, but how about now?

However, I do hope you put things on hold until he either goes NC with his gf or makes up his mind one way or anther.


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## havana

He is out of town right now so we have some space to think. He is going to talk to her but it's up to him what he tells her. 

Regarding the car, I know it is not mine but I can't help feeling emotional about it. the point really was about the relationship. If we are going to try things again he does need to break it off with her and that would necessitate getting the car back. I don't see how we could proceed with rebuilding a relationship while he continues to support her financially.

My daughter does know something is going on. We are suddenly on speaking terms and working together to take care of things. She is confused but neither of us has told her that we're getting back together. We wouldn't do so until we were sure.

About changes, I think we've both changed a lot in the 3 years and realize what we both lost. He is willing to do MC now and is sorry that he refused in the past. I don't feel like I'm drifting like I did at the end of the marriage. Things are different. I don't know if it's enough, but I do want to try and that is why I came for advice here.


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## Ceegee

I'm all about bringing families back together but this situation has a lot of red flags. 

OP, think very long and hard about this before going any further. I say that not because I don't think you should be considering it but because you should only do it when you are both ready to put in some seriously hard work. 

You realize how hard this would be right?

I suggest you move this thread to the reconciliation sub forum. Get some feedback from those that are going through it.


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## Tomara

Yes, you are the other woman. I think what should concern you most at this point is cheating. That is mho.

My sister and I come from two different marriages they just happen to be the same parents. My folks were divorce and remarried. It worked for them and they have been married 54 years.


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## Jellybeans

Tomara, did they remarry each other or new people?


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## bandit.45

If you get back together sell the damn car. Lord almighty...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EasyPartner

Havana,

To answer your original question, yes, some divorced people get back together. Michelle Weiner Davies claims that up to 10% reconciles after divorce. Although this number seems a bit high to me, you definitely wouldn't be a rare exception.

What's puzzling me in your story is the reason why you are suddenly set on reconciling. After all, you were the one who ended it before and you must have had solid reasons to do so. BTW: I don't believe in MLC and people blame there behaviour way too easily on it instead of doing some real soulsearching, or telling what they were really thinking.

So far we've got:

- difficult circumstances that brought you closer after a few years of not much contact

- and your ex seeing a younger woman and finally getting on with his life.

Are you sure you are contemplating reconciliation for the right reasons?


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## samyeagar

Another thing to consider when going back to an ex, whether it is full blown reconciliation, or even just sex is that if it doesn't work out, you now have a track record of going back to that person, and that will likely be a point of difficulty in any new relationships you may have. You will likely lose credibility when you discuss the problems you had with that person, as they obviously weren't bad enough to keep you away.


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## Rowan

EasyPartner said:


> To answer your original question, yes, some divorced people get back together. Michelle Weiner Davies claims that up to 10% reconciles after divorce. Although this number seems a bit high to me, you definitely wouldn't be a rare exception.


My best friend is a family therapist, so she sees a lot of couples for marriage counseling. She says that it's really not all that uncommon for divorced couples to get back together, and even remarry, after a few years apart. But most she's seen do this end up splitting up again eventually, because they haven't really addressed the issues in themselves and/or their relationship dynamic that caused the divorce in the first place. So, while it's not very rare for divorced couples to give it another try, it's extremely rare for that second try to end up being a successful and happy long-term relationship.


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## havana

EasyPartner said:


> So far we've got:
> 
> - difficult circumstances that brought you closer after a few years of not much contact
> 
> - and your ex seeing a younger woman and finally getting on with his life.
> 
> Are you sure you are contemplating reconciliation for the right reasons?


The new circumstance is a job he accepted and thus he called me over to discuss new custody arrangements that would work with his new schedule. During that discussion he told me that he was tired of fighting and we weren't going to do it anymore.

The conversation progressed causing us to realize that we still both regret the decision to divorce. I have regretted it for years, but never said anything because I thought he was too angry. Turns out, he regrets it too. 

I don't know what the right reasons to get back together are. I know that we got divorced because the bond between us felt broken. He now realizes that things were not fine and that he should have done something to reestablish the connection we used to have. I realize that I stopped trying to communicate my needs to him all together and and when I left he didn't see it coming. 

I think the new circumstance is his getting over the anger enough to be able to work together. I think we have a good chance at being able to re-establish a bond between us that was missing at the end of the marriage.

We've also learned that the dating world doesn't have much to offer to us. His girlfriend is so irresponsible he can't count on her to pick him up from surgery. My ex-bf was so controlling he would get upset if I were wearing perfume. We have had the opportunity to see that what we had was good.

Is that enough? I don't know.


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## EasyPartner

Hey Havana,

IMHO. .. him being not angry anymore, good but not enough... mature people get civil way earlier, if only for their child's sake. But at least he got there, and so did you. 

Bad experiences in the dating game... don't mean anything. You may both meet more compatible people later. If you put it like you did, sounds more like you are settling for mediocrity. But still a good learning experience, wasn't it. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

On the plus side, you guys seem to have grown some. Do you realize how many times you used the word "realize"? Again, good.

But do you love him? Are you, to a certain degree, in love with him? If it wasn't for your mutual history and your D, would you choose him? Same questions for him of course.

If so, by all means, go for it.

But this time, let it rip. Communicate. Learn how to, if necessary. Read up. Get some IC and or MC. Love each other and let your actions show it. Don't settle for mediocrity and start with yourself. Both of you.

Cause if you choose to proceed, go for the win all the way. That you owe to your D.


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## Jellybeans

havana said:


> His girlfriend is so irresponsible he can't count on her to pick him up from surgery.


Well...the thing is...if you guys are going to get back together, he needs to break up with her first, right? 

People have gotten back together with exes before--but you have to really be committed to the idea of doing it (both of you) and not still have girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, and all that jazz.


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## havana

EasyPartner said:


> Hey Havana,
> 
> IMHO. .. him being not angry anymore, good but not enough... mature people get civil way earlier, if only for their child's sake. But at least he got there, and so did you.
> 
> Bad experiences in the dating game... don't mean anything. You may both meet more compatible people later. If you put it like you did, sounds more like you are settling for mediocrity. But still a good learning experience, wasn't it. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
> 
> On the plus side, you guys seem to have grown some. Do you realize how many times you used the word "realize"? Again, good.
> 
> But do you love him? Are you, to a certain degree, in love with him? If it wasn't for your mutual history and your D, would you choose him? Same questions for him of course.
> 
> If so, by all means, go for it.
> 
> But this time, let it rip. Communicate. Learn how to, if necessary. Read up. Get some IC and or MC. Love each other and let your actions show it. Don't settle for mediocrity and start with yourself. Both of you.
> 
> Cause if you choose to proceed, go for the win all the way. That you owe to your D.


We've both agreed that if we do go for it, it has to be 100% from each of us. As far as loving him... I was always in love with him. I left because I felt that he wasn't loving me. He acknowledges that and wants to do better.

I would pick him if it weren't for our daughter. He was my best friend and I really can't imagine ever being or getting married to anyone else.



Jellybeans said:


> Well...the thing is...if you guys are goin to get back together, he needs to break up with her first, right?
> 
> People have gotten back together with exes before--but you have to really be committed to the idea of doing it (both of you) and not still have girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, and all that jazz.


LOL. Yes. He would have to break up with her. I think he is waiting to talk to her in person so he doesn't have to do it over the phone like a jerk. But going for it 100% would mean we both cut ties with any other romantic relationships and go to MC to work on ours. We agree on that.


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## happy as a clam

havana said:


> Well I mean, clearly she HAS gotten something positive from the relationship: he is paying for her car, registration and auto insurance and has *bought her several thousands in gifts that I'm sure she will keep.*


I haven't even finished reading this thread, but your selfishness REALLY angered me.

You dumped him. For no real good reason (as you state) except you weren't talking and communicating as much. Huh?

Of course he would SHOWER the new "love of his life" with gifts!! Are you really that naive to think a new girlfriend wouldn't get lovely gifts bestowed on her?! After what YOU put him through.

And now you are perplexed that she might actually "keep" the gifts. H*ll to the YES she should keep them -- that's what GIFTS are!!!! Given freely. Nothing expected in return. Including the car, as he saw fit at the time.


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## Wolf1974

happy as a clam said:


> I haven't even finished reading this thread, but your selfishness REALLY angered me.
> 
> You dumped him. For no real good reason (as you state) except you weren't talking and communicating as much. Huh?
> 
> Of course he would SHOWER the new "love of his life" with gifts!! Are you really that naive to think a new girlfriend wouldn't get lovely gifts bestowed on her?! After what YOU put him through.
> 
> And now you are perplexed that she might actually "keep" the gifts. H*ll to the YES she should keep them -- that's what GIFTS are!!!! Given freely. Nothing expected in return. Including the car, as he saw fit at the time.


I agree. At first I thought maybe the op was genuine about wanting to reconcile. And maybe she is just coming across as vain and not having her head with the right priorities. But this reeks of "if I can't have him no one can" type thing. I wonder if the x husband was single if she would still be interested in reconciling.


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## havana

Okay this is ridiculous, I didn't mention any of those things in the original post, and I was not the one who brought them up! It was all in my responses to questions people asked about the girlfriend! The only things I've said about her are the things that I know. And the car is just one of the FEW things that I know.

If anyone is "wrapped up in the stuff," it's YOU guys. The only reason it was brought up is because I said if we were getting back together he HAS to break up with her and end his financial support of her. If he decides not to get back together with me, then he can obviously do what he wants and I would have nothing to say about it. 

Do you seriously think it would be healthier for him (or us) to break up with her and then continue contact with her by continuing financial support and legal liability??? Like, what exactly is the alternative where she is out of our lives and we are trying to get back together, yet he still pays for his girlfriend's car? 

I have talked about several other issues here, all of which have been ignored by many posters in this thread. Emotional abandonment IS a valid reason for divorce. And obviously wasn't "no good reason" if it led to divorce. I did everything I could to fix it. And then I gave up because I was doing it alone. He understands this now, even if you guys don't.

It's funny how I am being seen as the gold digger here when I have all my own ****! The girlfriend may be amazing in bed, but she does not have a job, a car or an education. You know who does have a job, a car and an education? ME. So if you want to say we shouldn't get back together you are free to have that opinion, but don't tell me it's because you think I just want a ****ing car. If I was just around for the stuff I would have remained in the marriage, we had plenty of stuff.


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## 3Xnocharm

havana said:


> Well I mean, clearly she HAS gotten something positive from the relationship: he is paying for her car, registration and auto insurance and has bought her several thousands in gifts that I'm sure she will keep. *I mean, I don't know her, I'm not sure why I'm expected to care about her. She is 20, he isn't going to marry her or have children with her and obviously he's not that serious about her if he is initiating this with me. I'm sorry if you find that irritating but we were married for a long time. I still see him as my husband and my child's father. I can't change that. This girl was 9 years old when we got married. So yeah, I don't take her seriously.*
> 
> The reasons for the divorce are complex as in every divorce. As I said, we grew apart. he wouldn't attend important events with me, and every night went to bed as soon as he got home from work without even eating dinner with the family. It was an emotional disconnect. Meanwhile, I married him when I was 19 years old and I started to feel that if my husband was going to be unresponsive maybe I'd be better off alone.
> 
> I feel bad enough and that response was pretty harsh. I know there are people on here that have experienced infidelity and I'm not trying to be insensitive... But I'm not being rude, I'm just talking about my own experience.





havana said:


> It's funny how I am being seen as the gold digger here when I have all my own ****! *The girlfriend may be amazing in bed, but she does not have a job, a car or an education. You know who does have a job, a car and an education? *ME. So if you want to say we shouldn't get back together you are free to have that opinion, but don't tell me it's because you think I just want a ****ing car. If I was just around for the stuff I would have remained in the marriage, we had plenty of stuff.


Im sorry, but from these and other posts, this is all about petty jealousy over his new GF. You are also overlooking the fact that he had sex with you while being committed to her. Total classless move. On BOTH your parts! AND, you can pretty much count on the fact that he now thinks that this is ok, and will probably sleep with HER if he decides to give you another try.
I dont know what makes you think that he is now suddenly capable of giving you what he was never able to give you before. If you get back together, you will end up right back where you were. I think you need to leave your XH and his GF alone, and go find another man.


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## Ceegee

OP, possessions aside...

After breaking it off with other romantic interests I'd suggest you date for a while. As if you were just meeting for the first time. Get to know each other again. Look for red flags. Decide if this is the right person for you BEFORE telling kids about your intentions. 

Seriously, start a thread under reconciliation.


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## havana

Ceegee said:


> OP, possessions aside...
> 
> After breaking it off with other romantic interests I'd suggest you date for a while. As if you were just meeting for the first time. Get to know each other again. Look for red flags. Decide if this is the right person for you BEFORE telling kids about your intentions.


This is what we are talking about doing. 



Ceegee said:


> Seriously, start a thread under reconciliation.


I'm not sure I can handle the tidal wave of judgement that would follow another post in reconciliation.


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## Ceegee

Less judgement there than here. 

Besides, it should Steele your resolve not make you feel bad. It is constructive criticism. 

People here hold marriage in high regard.


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## happy as a clam

havana said:


> This is what we are talking about doing.
> 
> I'm not sure I can handle the tidal wave of judgement that would follow another post in reconciliation.


Sorry havana...

You came across to us exactly the way YOU portrayed yourself in your OP. If you don't like the advice you're getting, sorry, but we call 'em as we see 'em.

My advice: go back and read your OP and then read all the responses over and over.

Best of luck to you and ex-hubs


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## LongWalk

Havana,

You are getting hard questions. But if you can stick it out and reply to them, you will know your own mind better.

When your husband got this girlfriend did you feel that he was more attractive to you?

She is rather young. Do you see this as a sign that your ex is not serious about her?

Who made the first move when you reconnected? How did you know you were going to have sex?

The sex was good but not great. It felt kind of weird. Correct? Did you cry afterwards?

The car is understandable. People feel emotional about them. But it is only a car, don't you agree?

How men did you date while divorced/separated? How many women did your husband sleep with?

Did you Facebook stalk him?


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## Jellybeans

LongWalk said:


> Did you Facebook stalk him?


:rofl:

I like how all the questions were serious and then the social media aspect was thrown in.

Gah! Facebook stalking! We have all done it!


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## LongWalk

You're right, Jellybeans. Allow me to rephrase the question.

Did you ever stop being interested in what you ex was doing after you separated? In other words, did you ever let go?

Did you have in-laws conveying gossip back and forth?


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## samyeagar

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> I like how all the questions were serious and then the social media aspect was thrown in.
> 
> Gah! *Facebook stalking! We have all done it*!


Not I


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## SamuraiJack

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> I like how all the questions were serious and then the social media aspect was thrown in.
> 
> Gah! Facebook stalking! We have all done it!


Nope. 
Not at all.
Blocked as soon as she sent me the surprise divorce papers.


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## Ceegee

SamuraiJack said:


> Nope.
> 
> Not at all.
> 
> Blocked as soon as she sent me the surprise divorce papers.



Ditto. 

Though, she frequents mine. Anytime my GF tags me doing something fun or romantic I can expect an angry email about something unimportant.


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## EnjoliWoman

I've sort of been watching/reading this and have seen it evolve.

It seems you have discovered the grass is not greener. You know you were hasty in ending the marriage. You still care about him a great deal.

On the other hand, this is easier. It's easier than finding someone new. But it would still be hard work. You weren't willing to communicate your needs and work on the marriage before. You are now? 

Think it through VERY carefully. Sleeping with an ex is easy and comfortable but that doesn't mean the relationship will be the same. Is it just that you are disgruntled by your boyfriend and are looking back with rose-colored glasses and suddenly your ex looks desirable again because he is wanted by this younger woman? You assume it's about money but she could actually LIKE him you know. The fact he is more established could just be a bonus, not the primary attraction. But if you only want him when someone else does, that's not reason enough. So again, REALLY look at your feelings and motives.

I suggest you both agree to see a marriage counselor weekly and begin dating without sex. Those feel-good endorphins cloud judgement. You have to resolve all of the previous issues before you can start on building the new relationship.

It is IMPERATIVE that you go into this with open eyes and ready to do whatever you need to to make this work. The reason is your daughter. DO NOT tell her you two are considering getting back together. Go to MC, go on dates and DO NOT TELL HER. You two have to be 100% sure before you move back together. Because if it doesn't work a second time, it will be 10x harder on her. She'll hold out hope for a 3rd reconciliation. 

So set some ground rules. Counseling, weekly date nights, no sex for several months. He breaks off his relationship and you two work on your relationship exclusively. You have to figure out if you are getting back together for the right reasons and know you are willing to do what it takes to STAY together.

So in addition to the above, I would say you also have to agree to a weekly date night AFTER you get back together (assuming you do). Agree to fair fighting. Agree to not letting issues simmer. Agree to occasional weekend trips to reconnect/maintain connection. Agree to have follow up meetings with your MC every 3 or 6 months. Agree to read one book a year about relationships and put something new into practice. 

Those are just suggestions but you will have to work to reconnect but don't forget to keep working to maintain that connection. It shouldn't FEEL like work at that point - but it should feel important to keep your focus on not letting the relationship start to fade again.


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## U.E. McGill

What you have here is anecdotal evidence either way. Notice no one gives definitive stats on remarriage. Google may have to provide that. You need a thick skin here, half the people read into it and you get things like "he's a cheater". Plus everyone has their own clouded world view. 

What you will need to do is fix the foundational problems your marriage had. I think you know that. 

My advice to him, read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. 

For you, I would read When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Maybe one of the ladies of this board can recommend a more pointed book. Im a man so I don't know. 

I have a friend who's wife divorced him and cheated on him. He told me "I'm more pissed that he's in my house, than my wife". Don't let these people get you frustrated over stupid crap like your former car. If you can filter through the bullshît on this site, you have a chance to save your marriage. 

Choose your path wisely and you can make it work.


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## SamuraiJack

Ceegee said:


> Ditto.
> 
> Though, she frequents mine. Anytime my GF tags me doing something fun or romantic I can expect an angry email about something unimportant.


How effed up is that? 
My ex does the same thing...that and I think I have a spy in my midst. Seems like she always finds out when I post something weird.
ALWAYS thinks it's directed at her.

But then again, what ELSE would a narcissist think?


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## Observer

I think you have your mind made up so I'll just say good luck. If you have lots of things in common and like to be around each other, then maybe the time apart helped you both. Maybe he saw that he took you for granted and knows he won't make that mistake again. Has he changed? How? People are absolutely capable of change, I know first hand. Are you capable of forgiving and starting fresh? 

If you guys have a plan on how to not end up where you left off, then I say go for it! If we learn from our mistakes, everything can be better.


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## LongWalk

Holding off on sex maybe good but they already broke that boundary. Why would the ex want a sexless relationhip? If they discuss it and understand why sex could mess up their rational powers, and they decided to go slow, okay.

But if the ex merely thinks, "Yeah, you slept with me once. Got me to dump my girlfriend and now you don't desire me."

Again communication is the issue.

Hysterical bonding is essential for a good R.

Don't run away from TAM. I think folks will warm up to you if you stick it out.

What sort of relationship do you have with each others in-laws now?


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## SamuraiJack

LongWalk said:


> Don't run away from TAM. I think folks will warm up to you if you stick it out.


QFT. 
TAM can be a little rough at first. We have many people here with strong (but mostly respectful) opinions on various things.

Stick around and learn a great deal about people and yourself.


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## havana

LongWalk said:


> When your husband got this girlfriend did you feel that he was more attractive to you?


I didn't really know about her before all of this started and he told me about her. So, no. I've felt this way for a year or more. I've gathered that she has been around for a while but I didn't know about it until the last couple of weeks. 



LongWalk said:


> She is rather young. Do you see this as a sign that your ex is not serious about her?


I think others were pointing it out that I don't take her seriously. He has already ended it with her. She turned out to be a disaster. From what I have learned, I believe that she has been a huge problem for him since the beginning. 

HE was pretty serious about her and I think that is what is important here. He said he couldn't live with himself waiting until he came back to break up with her. He says he loved her. 

He always seemed to believe that affection wasn't necessary for him to get sex. I think this girl made him realize that that isn't true, that all relationships demand affection and attention.

Really, I am thankful for her at this point. Not because I'm thrilled he was having sex with her, but because without her I don't think we would even be considering reconciliation. I think both of our relationships were necessary to get us to where we are at now.



LongWalk said:


> Who made the first move when you reconnected? How did you know you were going to have sex?


He did. I have regretted the divorce for a long time, but I was pretty determined to live with it because I didn't think there was hope for reconciliation. So I just never said anything. But when he brought it up... it just all came out.



LongWalk said:


> The sex was good but not great. It felt kind of weird. Correct? Did you cry afterwards?


The sex was... weird because neither of us expected it to ever happen again. It felt RIGHT but we were both freaked out that it was happening. It was like a dream.

Yes, I cried. Because he immediately told me that he regretted it and that was a hurtful thing to say.



LongWalk said:


> The car is understandable. People feel emotional about them. But it is only a car, don't you agree?


Yes. I can't even stand the sight of it and I hope he gets rid of it.



LongWalk said:


> How men did you date while divorced/separated? How many women did your husband sleep with?


We both dated one person and slept with one person.



LongWalk said:


> Did you Facebook stalk him?


LOL, no. When we divorced I deactivated my facebook account.



LongWalk said:


> Did you ever stop being interested in what you ex was doing after you separated? In other words, did you ever let go?


Hard question. Obviously I didn't let go. My ex-boyfriend took big issue with my keeping his last name, refusing to remarry and always fighting with my ex in court. He felt that I wasn't over it. I was motivated a lot by anger, but at the time I felt that it was because we hated each other.

After the fighting I was just unhappy. I knew it was because I regretted things but what could I do after everything was said and done? I moved closer to his house and that is when we started actually communicating more and being more involved TOGETHER as parents. That is when I started wanting to know what he was doing.



LongWalk said:


> Did you have in-laws conveying gossip back and forth?


We don't have much family. His sister took my facebook account deactivation as a personal attack and was apparently very angry about it. His sister is the only person I am concerned about. He says he has a lot of friends that hate me, but I don't know most of them. 



U.E. McGill said:


> Choose your path wisely and you can make it work.





SamuraiJack said:


> QFT.
> TAM can be a little rough at first. We have many people here with strong (but mostly respectful) opinions on various things.
> 
> Stick around and learn a great deal about people and yourself.


Thank you for the encouragement.



LongWalk said:


> Hysterical bonding is essential for a good R.


Closeness. I would say that all of the conflicts that led to our divorce were related to this issue. I felt that he didn't provide me affection and he felt that I wasn't sexually attracted to him. We HAVE to learn to navigate this issue for it to work. We NEED to be close. I am not sure if that can be achieved without a physical relationship.

I'm not sure what a MC would say about that, but I'm not sure how much bonding we will achieve without physical closeness. Especially with him being out of town 2-3 weeks at a time. Just don't know.


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## daddymikey1975

*Re: Re: Back together after divorce*



havana said:


> I'm not sure how much bonding we will achieve without physical closeness. Especially with him being out of town 2-3 weeks at a time. Just don't know.


This seems to be a red flag. 

If you require lots of attention, physically, to feel close to him, you may be setting yourself up for heart ache.


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