# Triggered at dance class



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I got myself a membership at our local dance school as a present for myself at Christmas. I'm a clutz, but I hate just working out, and I figured maybe I could find something I could do that would be good for me, fun, and that I wouldn't suck too badly at. 

I'd taken belly-dance classes twice before in past years thru Adult Ed. and really liked it. I tried one at the dance school a month and a half ago, and it was so hard! More of a workout and less about the dancing and movement. I'd never been so sore in the other classes, and I also felt REEAALLY clutzy. 

Well, tonight was the first time I went back since then. They changed the schedule, so tonight's wasn't belly-dance, it was 'strip-tease fitness.' Oh, boy. What was I getting myself into? I've been really in isolation mode for the last month or so, so I forced myself to go. I put on my yoga pants, and a pretty sequined camisole I bought years ago (still had the tags on it! -- apparently not much need for sequins in my life up til now). I thought I looked nice, considering how much I've hated my looks through most of my life. There were only 3 of us besides the instructor, and I was the only newbie. She started the class with a little talk about why she'd started it: she is the survivor of a sexual assault, and wanted to teach women to be confident about their bodies and that their bodies are beautiful no matter their shape or size. OK, I'm doing pretty well. I think my mindfulness classes are helping me to just be in the moment and focus on the movement. There were steps and stuff, but a lot of it was more improvisational, and wanting us to move with the music (no actual stripping, just dancing ). It was great. I felt so good -- even when we each had to take turns doing a chair dance in front of everyone else! I thought I was going to have a stroke when she said we were going to do that, but I just tried to go with it, and when I 'sexy-walk'ed back to my spot, she leaned over and whispered 'You were GREAT!' 

However, during one of the yoga-y type parts, she was talking about how beautiful we all are, and one of the other women mentioned that her husband like her to show him the new moves she was learning, and the teacher said her boyfriend did the same. Other class member agrees about her boyfriend. OK, I'm tensing up now. Then the teacher talks some more about how beautiful we all are as women, and says 'After all, none of us here has ever heard someone tell us we weren't beautiful when we're naked, right?' The other two laugh and say 'No.' Well, I have. Not while I was naked, but STBXH told me in January, as part of his 'truth' campaign, that he actually hadn't found me physically or sexually attractive for 'years.' And, yes, I had been naked and sexual with him at various points during that time period. Which had really sent me into a PTSD-type reaction regarding our sex life during that time. I thought I was getting over it, but even though I had a great time during the class, and I really did feel sexy, and could actually deal with seeing myself in the full mirror-wall while I was sexing it up (without throwing up, LOL), it all just hit me after class. I was telling the teacher how much I enjoyed it, and I don't even remember what she said, but I think she realized I'd been silent during the question about being naked. I told her I wasn't going to be in the next week because I'd have my son with me then. She gave me a questioning look, and I told her I was separated and we were on our way to divorce. She put her arms around me and said "I thought so. You were fantastic. I'd never think this was your first class. You are beautiful and I really hope you come back. If he doesn't think you're beautiful, he's a loser and he doesn't deserve you!" I was shocked. The other two women were so nice, too. As I walked to my car, I started to tear up, and then I just sobbed all the way home, and even harder when I got there. I haven't cried that hard in so long! I felt all over again his total rejection of me, at the most intimate level. And at every other level. I guess I thought the class was going to be more silly, and less about embracing the 'goddess' within. And I'd hoped all the heavy sobbing time was over, too.

I really did have fun, and I really did feel sexy. I know I never felt able to show STBXH any of my belly-dancing steps because by then, I was already too uptight around him and conscious of his comparing me to other women. I wished I was going home to someone that I was comfortable enough with to show him and laugh about it together, knowing he wouldn't be laughing at me. I find myself hoping STBXH doesn't go to the website and see what the class tonight was, because I don't want him and his girlfriend (who I realized tonight is a little more than half my age and almost 10 years younger than STBXH) to be laughing their asses off at me for being pathetic.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

You're NOT pathetic Angelpixie; your stbxh is. I think you are one of the bravest women I know. Belly dancing and strip tease fitness - WOW 

It sounds like you have a really cool teacher too. I agree with her: he is a loser, he doesn't deserve you, and you should continue with the class.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

angelpixie, I would never have the bottle to do what you did, you're braver than me!

when my H said that 'he just didn't feel that way about me any more' I started to analyse, and realised that I just didn't feel that way about him either and perhaps our mutual lack of interest was what did for our sex life more than anything else

there's men out there who would KILL to have a woman who did belly dance/striptease and wanted to come home and show him her moves!

be strong sister!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i agree with the above statements.
most likely when stbxh made the statement, he was TRYING to be hurtful, and you are letting it hurt you still.
who cares what he said then.
youre on your way to a much better you.

you seem to have been doing well, you had a small set back.
get yourself back up and get back on that track again.

stay in the classes and have fun with it.
you will have someone to show the 'sexy' moves to before you know it.
then you can be laughing and dancing for someone you know will enjoy it.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I agree w/ all of them! You need to continue your class... you will have men that will consider your stbx a fool because they are w/ sexy you! 

It's nice that these women sounded so supportive. I hope you continue, I bet it will really help your self-confidence/body image.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I've thought about this a lot since last night. I have my son next week, so normally I'd have to skip classes, etc., at night, but I asked STBXH if he'd like to spend time with our son so I can go to class again. I don't want too much time to go by, or I might talk myself out of going back. He said yes, so I'll be going again!

Thanks for your understanding and support, all of you. It really means a lot to me. ((hugs))


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I've thought about this a lot since last night. I have my son next week, so normally I'd have to skip classes, etc., at night, but I asked STBXH if he'd like to spend time with our son so I can go to class again. I don't want too much time to go by, or I might talk myself out of going back. He said yes, so I'll be going again!
> 
> Thanks for your understanding and support, all of you. It really means a lot to me. ((hugs))


:smthumbup:


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