# Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, effect on parenting



## UnwantedWife

My husband and I are both the adult survivors of childhood abandonment by our mothers as well as physical abuse from our fathers. That said, my husband's abuse was never sexual in nature. I, on the other hand, was molested by my step-grandfather from about 18 months to 3 years, and also once raped by my father in a drunken incident when I was 7 years old.

I underwent years of therapy to overcome my past. My husband, though he has never been in therapy, has also worked very hard to overcome his past. Together we have done quite well to break the cycle of abuse and provide our children (currently our son who is just shy of 3 years old, and we are pregnant with our second, a little girl) with a loving, stable, healthy home.

That said, there are some occassional minor things that come up. For example, we want our children to be well educated so they understand their right to say "no" if an adult ever makes them feel uncomfortable as well as vocalize it to us so we know whats going on. My son is one of the very few boys in his playgroups who knows the difference between his penis and his scrotum, as well as the only boy who felt bold enough to tell the doctor "no" when he started to examine my son without my son's permission.

So, is there anyone else who has crossed these hurdles in their parenting?


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## Waits4Mr.Right

I've always been very protective of my daughter b/c of my childhood. It wasn't exactly "leave it to beaver" life style. It was pretty aweful, what I can remember that is. I've mentally blocked most everything, and what I do recall still brings me to tears to this day. I cry for the little girl inside of me that never had any protection from these perverts in this world.
I don't tell anyone about my past because I'm afraid they will have pity on me and see me as "broken". I guess in some ways I am... Still, it's a part of my life I don't tell anyone.
As for my daughter, she says that I over react. That I act like everyone is out to get her. I don't think I'm that bad. I just like to know where she is at all times, who she's with, ect...I think that's a parents job.


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## UnwantedWife

We haven't yet reached that point in our parental duties yet. At 3 years old, my son's group of friends are mostly limited to the children of our friends and associates, with the occasional friend made at toddler soccer class, lol. We are very picky about who we will and won't allow to babysit him.

I've never been very big on "stranger danger"- not to say that I encourage my son to strike up a conversation with every Tom, ****, and Harry who smile at him in the grocery store checkout lane. But I know that the real threats are the people who have easy access to him: relatives, teachers, coaches, church youth group leader, parents of friends, etc.. These are the people who I keep close tabs on.

My aunts and uncles turned a blind eye to the red flags of abuse when I was a child, they now regret it and several have even appologized to me for not realizing something was wrong much much sooner. I don't allow my friends and relatives that same benefit of the doubt, I constantly acess everyone in my son's life and if I have even the slightest off feeling, they aren't allowed near him. I'd rather offend a friend or relative, then put my son at risk.


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## UnwantedWife

lol! I can't believe the auto-edit censored out a common name.
The above "****" is a shortened version of the name "Richard" as well as a male body part. HaHaHa, sorry, I know this is a very serious topic but I can't help but be alittle tickled by that auto-corrector thing


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## Waits4Mr.Right

Seems like it's a little sensitive too. LOL
I'd say you got most of the "common" dangers down...A "normal" person would think, surely dear old grandpa would NEVER do such a thing! Kinda sad to know that we know differently...
When my daughter was three, I was having to explain to her why "mooning" her daycare class was wrong. LOL
As she got older I would always tell her that if she got a "weird" feeling about someone to stay away from them and to tell me right away.


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## YinPrincess

My husband and I are both survivors of molestation and we are pregnant with our first child. We have a lot of issues we are trying to 'clean' up before the baby gets here, as we are well aware we are going to set her up for repeating our mistakes. It's so scary that I just want to leave him, so she never sees the worst we bring out in each other, but maybe running isn't the answer, either. Very lost and confused at this point... Will be watching this thread closely.

I want our daughter to know love and never the awfulness we had to endure...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry

I tried so hard to protect my "little" girl from the monsters in the world. I didn't date after my first marriage ended when she was 4, I wouldn't bring other men around my little girl. As a result, she was not abused as a child, but then at 17, just this last summer, two of her "friends" raped her, she had known these guys since she was 12. Now what could I do, what could I say to her? We went to the police, that was a joke, she seemed to be "raped" by the system because she came forward, but nothing ever happened to those jerks and my daughter seemed to be set back in her beliefs with the system and with humanity in general. 

I will do the same things I did with my oldest to protect my 3 year old babies now, but I can't protect them forever.


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## RandomDude

The legal system IS a f--king joke, btw didn't you guys take it to court?


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## UnwantedWife

RandomDude said:


> The legal system IS a f--king joke, btw didn't you guys take it to court?


Are you asking Cherry specifically if she was able to take her daughter's rapists to court, or are you asking the group as a whole if any of us were able to seek justice in court?


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## Cherry

RandomDude said:


> The legal system IS a f--king joke, btw didn't you guys take it to court?


No, never got that far, didn't even make it to an arrest of the little punk ass kids. The idiot investigator wired my daughter up and had her go over there by herself (they followed) to try and get him to fess up about what they may have slipped her in her drink, all the stupid kid said "well, you seemed to enjoy yourself". She went to a clinic and they did the rape kit and all. I was so proud of her for doing everything she could do to find some justice for what those boys did to her. The cops never even questioned the boys or their parents. I was in disbelief over the whole thing.


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## UnwantedWife

Cherry said:


> No, never got that far, didn't even make it to an arrest of the little punk ass kids. The idiot investigator wired my daughter up and had her go over there by herself (they followed) to try and get him to fess up about what they may have slipped her in her drink, all the stupid kid said "well, you seemed to enjoy yourself". She went to a clinic and they did the rape kit and all. I was so proud of her for doing everything she could do to find some justice for what those boys did to her. The cops never even questioned the boys or their parents. I was in disbelief over the whole thing.


Your story causes my heart great pain. I've known of many other women in my old support group who had similar tales to tell and I can not express how much I feel for both you and your daughter. Thank God (or, whom/whatever you believe in) that you were a supportive and loving mother, there to help your daughter through the painful process. I've known some young girls whose mothers actually have blamed them...I could never understand how they could turn their backs to their own child that way...
That said, I can never imagine the pain it must have caused you as a mother, knowing that you can not protect your own child. It is my greatest fear in this life. I hope that my children never know the pain of becoming victims of sexual assault. I hope that you had a strong support system to help you as you helped your daughter, because I'd hate to think you went through that process alone. No one should have to face these things alone.


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## Cherry

UnwantedWife said:


> I've known some young girls whose mothers actually have blamed them...I could never understand how they could turn their backs to their own child that way...


Thank you. There were a few people who asked me why she was over there to begin with.... I mean REALLY??? I got so mad at those people asking that question! I didn't give a **** why she was over there, the nurses didn't care why she was over there, and my H didn't care why she was over there. She was violated horribly PERIOD! BUT, I know why people do not go to a so called trusted person or the police when stuff like this happens, I really see why. 

When I was 13, I was raped by a 16 year old acquaintance, I was somewhere I shouldn't have been. I could never tell my mom what happened, I would've gotten in trouble for being somewhere I shouldn't have been. 

That is what I learned from my sexual abuse... To let my children know that it is NOT right, that it is NOT their fault, and to NEVER be scared to come to me about anything, and especially something like this. I have been there, no one helped me, I didn't have anyone to go to, and it affected me in my life.


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## RandomDude

And people wonder why I still walk a dagger's edge with the law. Personally my own beliefs in the law and humanity are already f--ked up anyways, and if people have a desire and know that they can get away with it, they will do it - and that includes me. Nothing is more satisfying then crybabies whining about justice served upon them yet they get a taste of their own medicine which is "can you prove it?"

To overcome such trails without having justice served is incredibly difficult, personally I wouldn't be able to do it. My daughter will not live the life I lived, that is my promise, whoever makes me break that, I'm going after, and I don't give a sh-t. My first girlfriend years ago had a dad who wasn't able to live with having no justice either, but as much as I respect how he brought that f--kwit who raped his daughter to justice I felt he did it stupid, he did it angry, and he got 20 years.

It didn't grant her peace, but it granted her closure. I respect his decision, but I can't agree with his method.

For now I can only hope that my past as a street kid can be used as lessons to be taught to my daughter in regards to the reality and dangers of this world.


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## Cherry

RandomDude said:


> My first girlfriend years ago had a dad who wasn't able to live with having no justice either, but as much as I respect how he brought that f--kwit who raped his daughter to justice I felt he did it stupid, he did it angry, and he got 20 years.
> 
> It didn't grant her peace, but it granted her closure. I respect his decision, but I can't agree with his method.
> 
> *For now I can only hope that my past as a street kid can be used as lessons to be taught to my daughter in regards to the reality and dangers of this world.*


Exactly! 

Once we found out the police were closing their case, there were a few who wanted justice still. But at what cost, 20 years, like your girlfriends dad? I would consider something like that if someone takes the life of one of my children, but I know my daughter needs me in her journey through life. Not letters from me from jail.


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## RandomDude

Aye, we have to be on top of things. The system is f--king pathetic, but we can't fight it, and we shouldn't have to play it, yet we have to just to be on top of things. There are still avenues for justice, but the heat has to die down... for now.


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## UnwantedWife

I know my experiences are so much different than Cherry's daughter and RandomDude's ex-gf's, however I have seen "the system" fail as well.

In my case, I remained in my abusive father's house until I was 14, at which point he kicked me out and I lived here and there, putting myself through highschool, until I was 16 and forced to move into a group home. Most of the girls in the group home were wards of the state whose case managers were in charge of making their legal decisions. My father, my rapist, was actually my legal guardian until my 18th birthday. Meaning he was the one who made all sorts of legal decisions which negatively effected my schooling.

For that same token, I lived with a girl at the group home whose parents were wonderful and never laid a hand on her, loved and supported her. She became a ward of the state because a fellow student at her school told a lie to their school counselor and the investigator who looked into the complaint was alittle over-zealous.

Tell me how it is that a rapist can remain the legal guardian of a his victim -BUT- a good, decent father would loose custody of his daughter over a lie that some drama queen teenage girl decided would be fun to make up?


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## Cherry

UnwantedWife said:


> I know my experiences are so much different than Cherry's daughter and RandomDude's ex-gf's, however I have seen "the system" fail as well.
> 
> In my case, I remained in my abusive father's house until I was 14, at which point he kicked me out and I lived here and there, putting myself through highschool, until I was 16 and forced to move into a group home. Most of the girls in the group home were wards of the state whose case managers were in charge of making their legal decisions. My father, my rapist, was actually my legal guardian until my 18th birthday. Meaning he was the one who made all sorts of legal decisions which negatively effected my schooling.
> 
> For that same token, I lived with a girl at the group home whose parents were wonderful and never laid a hand on her, loved and supported her. She became a ward of the state because a fellow student at her school told a lie to their school counselor and the investigator who looked into the complaint was alittle over-zealous.
> 
> Tell me how it is that a rapist can remain the legal guardian of a his victim -BUT- a good, decent father would loose custody of his daughter over a lie that some drama queen teenage girl decided would be fun to make up?


Wow - I got chills when I read this  How is your relationship with your father now? I know it's a weird question, but I have a cousin who endured abuse from her real dad that way and she's rightfully still very angry with him over 30 years later. I know you can never recover from that, but she's also never gotten help emotionally and I from what I can tell she's self destructing over it, i.e. alcoholism, over a box of wine a day and xanax.


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## UnwantedWife

Cherry said:


> Wow - I got chills when I read this  How is your relationship with your father now? I know it's a weird question, but I have a cousin who endured abuse from her real dad that way and she's rightfully still very angry with him over 30 years later. I know you can never recover from that, but she's also never gotten help emotionally and I from what I can tell she's self destructing over it, i.e. alcoholism, over a box of wine a day and xanax.


The last day my father spoke to me was a month before I moved into the group home. He gave me the option of either moving back in with him, dropping out of school, giving him my paycheck until he could find me a "nice guy to marry" OR moving into the group home and therefore disowning him as my father. I choose the group home because I wanted to finish school. Funny but sad in a way because he actually was the one who drove me to the group home but never said a word to me the whole way there.
I spent a good 8-9 months reaching out to him via phone calls and letters two-three times a week. The group home actually had an excellent therapist on staff who did family therapy sessions and I thought she could help us but my father refused to admit that he had ever done anything wrong. In his eyes, I disrespected him and should never be forgiven. After about a year, I finally came to terms with the fact that we would never talk again. And through my therapy, I was able to forgive him. Now days I actually feel sorry for him. See, he was also the victim of childhood abuse but he never got over it and thats why he was the way he was to me. I was blessed to have people who helped me find my way so that my son can have an emotionally stable mother.
I am now 23 and the only contact either of us has tried to make in the last seven years was when I was pregnant with my son. I sent him a card with an ultrasound photo informing him that I was happy, healthy, and very fulfilled by my new budding family. I did give him my contact information if he ever felt like asking questions about his grandchildren, however I could obviously never trust him alone with them. Mute point though since he never bothered to contact me and that was three years ago. His loss because his grandson is an amazing child (and there is a grand-daughter on the way).


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## Cherry

UnwantedWife said:


> After about a year, I finally came to terms with the fact that we would never talk again. And through my therapy, I was able to forgive him. Now days I actually feel sorry for him. See, he was also the victim of childhood abuse but he never got over it and thats why he was the way he was to me. *I was blessed to have people who helped me find my way so that my son can have an emotionally stable mother.*
> I am now 23 and the only contact either of us has tried to make in the last seven years was when I was pregnant with my son. I sent him a card with an ultrasound photo informing him that I was happy, healthy, and very fulfilled by my new budding family. I did give him my contact information if he ever felt like asking questions about his grandchildren, however I could obviously never trust him alone with them. Mute point though since he never bothered to contact me and that was three years ago. His loss because his grandson is an amazing child (and there is a grand-daughter on the way).


That's just it about forgiveness. You did it so that you can move forward in your life. That is so great for you and your children! It's destructive to live in the past when nothing can be done to change it. And it is your fathers loss now. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## RandomDude

> Tell me how it is that a rapist can remain the legal guardian of a his victim -BUT- a good, decent father would loose custody of his daughter over a lie that some drama queen teenage girl decided would be fun to make up?


That's just how it is. 

As for forgiveness, it does bring peace. But personally I only found it possible when the other party is remorseful or suffering or no longer exists. As for your father's childhood abuse, I don't see it as an excuse for his behaviour, I see it as weak and pathetic... no offense.

You are very strong to have been able to overcome all this.


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