# Mediation was a bust...



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I haven't slept much in the last couple of days, kids dentist appointments, evening shifts, working at daughter's school....overload.

Mediation did not go well, kind of predicted it as much, but was hoping for the best. Stbxh was super stressed already, seemed defensive from the get go. Basically it all came down to finances, amounts for child support. At one point I couldn't take hearing any more numbers, I just felt like they were no longer my kids, but a piece of properity. I left the room and broke down.

The mediator said that stbxh is responsible for daycare, as well as a certain amount of child support. He flew into a rage with this, and said he will just go to court and drag it out until son starts kindergarten and there will be no more daycare fees to pay (smart move). The mediator came up with 697.00 per month (all very confusing) based on 70/30, what the arrangement is now for visitation. Ex then said he wanted 50/50 so he wouldn't have to pay as much support, and ranted about it for a few minutes. More calculations regarding 50/50, it was way too fast for me, and I became overwhelmed.

Long story short I refuse to go back to mediation, sitting in the room with him was difficult, his anger makes me nervous, and uncomfortable, I'm just not willing to put up with it any more. I refuse to allow him 50/50 because he has serious anger issues still, and is still yelling at the kids when he has them, and very impatient. I told him that if he wants to change the situation we have now, get a lawyer and take me to court for 50/50, I'm done with the whole financial aspect right now. He then said he could give 200.00 per month.

Boundaries will become more clear.....I will no longer discuss any of it with him until he decides what he wants to do, it's just an argument.

I did say one nasty thing which I kind of regret, I said to him "so you want to have more kids with your g/f and you can't even support the ones you have?" nice...

Whatever.....


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

(((hugs))) I don't think that was nasty at all; he shouldn't have more kids if he can't/won't help support the ones he already has.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

working_together said:


> I did say one nasty thing which I kind of regret, I said to him "so you want to have more kids with your g/f and you can't even support the ones you have?" nice...


Nice! No regret with that one.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

So sorry you have to deal with this. I'm in the middle of the same thing , but I've got proof of lta and h doesn't want her put on the stand. He's having to be fair.

Your h is going to learn really quickly that mediation was his friend. If you guys end up in court he may have to pay more than what mediator proposed, have less time with the kids and pay a lot more for lawyers. Why are they so stupid and selfish???


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m sorry it didn't go well. 
That sucks. So does it go to court now, or did you hammer out the details? It's sad when it comes down to money. In the same room... everyone forgets is a child.

Please ask more questions about the 50\50 rule... I have a friend who fought for this. (he's the dad). And she is always busy and he ends up with the child way more than 50\50, and it's up to him to go to court every darn time to argue it. And who wants to be in the position of denying extra time with your child... only to prove a point that 50\50 means just that and otherwise the money isn't fair.

Hugs to you. Hope tomorrow is better.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

deejov said:


> I"m sorry it didn't go well.
> That sucks. So does it go to court now, or did you hammer out the details? It's sad when it comes down to money. In the same room... everyone forgets is a child.
> 
> Please ask more questions about the 50\50 rule... I have a friend who fought for this. (he's the dad). And she is always busy and he ends up with the child way more than 50\50, and it's up to him to go to court every darn time to argue it. And who wants to be in the position of denying extra time with your child... only to prove a point that 50\50 means just that and otherwise the money isn't fair.
> ...


I pretty much know enough about the 50/50 rule, I'm not giving into the 50/50 at all, in fact I'm not giving in to the 60/40 either. Where I live, if the custody is 60/40 it is considered 50/50 and he would be entitled to 50 per cent of any money I receive from the government for the kids ie. family allowence. Yeah, so I sink further into poverty....just great.

I told him "just give me 200.00 per month, so we don't have to go back to mediation and have these arguements". He agreed, I added that it has to be given on a certain date and in full so that I can budget properely. He then got made and thought i was being demanding lol. It's all about him having control.

The longer the kids are with me almost full-time, the more a judge will not change the situation, so if he does try to get 50/50 he probably wouldn't win, and he can't afford a lawyer, that's why he wanted mediation...it was free, and then the court cost is about 150.00.

Feeling better today about my decision not to return to mediation.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Working, I understand your frustration. From what I remember my wife telling me regarding her divorce from her first husband this seems very much the same way hers went. The emotions during this time were similar to what she was feeling. He probably feels entitled and victimized by what happened and this may be a way he can cause you anxiety. After about a year from their divorce she said things got better. 

Don't know if this helps but felt i would share. 

Wishing the best for you!!!!!!!!!!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> Working, I understand your frustration. From what I remember my wife telling me regarding her divorce from her first husband this seems very much the same way hers went. The emotions during this time were similar to what she was feeling. He probably feels entitled and victimized by what happened and this may be a way he can cause you anxiety. After about a year from their divorce she said things got better.
> 
> Don't know if this helps but felt i would share.
> 
> Wishing the best for you!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks my friend..

I know it will eventually get better, and I'm not super stressed when not in the same room with him. Just the sight of him causes me distress, he has this mean look on his face all the time. 

Yeah, he's playing the victim card, and I agree that he has suffered from what has happened in our marriage. But he likes to remind me of what my actions have caused...ya know? The less I deal with him, the better my mood.

I need a night out.....


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Try ice fishing.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> Thanks my friend..
> 
> I know it will eventually get better, and I'm not super stressed when not in the same room with him. Just the sight of him causes me distress, he has this mean look on his face all the time.
> 
> ...


Working, this is about you being able to financially take care of your kids. Yeah things weren't handled right but that is past and now the kids are the focus. Let the lawyers and the courts handle this mess. You need to take care of you and your children. And he needs to get his anger and resentment under control or it will ruin his life. Don't let him try to blame you for his problems now. That is all his.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> Try ice fishing.


Geeze, thanks but no thanks......be careful lost I may drag you up her to shovel my drive way.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think I get pleasure out of watching him not have the control he wants and needs. I think I can pat myself on the back for not allowing him to have things his way all the time any more. I gave in so much during our 25 year relationship, I gave up friends he didn't care for, I gave up male friends he didn't like (even a gay one), I gave up my career to stay home for a few years with my kids. In the last year while we tried to R, I even gave up a relationship with my sister because he felt she took my side.

Well, I'm no longer allowing this to occur, and it feels empowering, yeah, I did some shi*tty things in the last couple of years, but with a little self-reflection, I'm finally understanding my motives, although in the end I made a horrible choice, I will own that forever.

So, what do I get pleasure out of??? I don't want to see him angry, or miserable, I still care about him (even when I hate what he does). But he brings it on himself, he gets paranoid about my personal life, wonders what I'm doing etc. So, feeling a little mean today , I casually mentioned I was going on a date tomorrow evening. He was livid, but holding it in. You see he wants to move on, but doesn't want me to, wants to have his cake. I drove away with a smile, I know, not nice. I guess what I wanted is for him to realize what he lost, and I wanted to put some stress on him so that his g/f sees he's a jerk lol, that she's going to have to make him feel good all the time because of his insecurities.

Bottom line....I guess it still stings that he told me he may get married again some day, and wouldn't rule out not having kids with someone else. You see, he made a promise to me many years ago that if we should ever break up, he would never have children with another woman because he didn't like having half-sisters when he was growing up. I made the same promise, except I'm not going to break it. I know people can change their minds, but at least he could have waited until we were healed from our own relationship to tell me such a hurtful thing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want the marriage back, but I also don't want him to get off scott free, and live a great single life either...ya know?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> I think I get pleasure out of watching him not have the control he wants and needs. I think I can pat myself on the back for not allowing him to have things his way all the time any more. I gave in so much during our 25 year relationship, I gave up friends he didn't care for, I gave up male friends he didn't like (even a gay one), I gave up my career to stay home for a few years with my kids. In the last year while we tried to R, I even gave up a relationship with my sister because he felt she took my side.
> 
> Well, I'm no longer allowing this to occur, and it feels empowering, yeah, I did some shi*tty things in the last couple of years, but with a little self-reflection, I'm finally understanding my motives, although in the end I made a horrible choice, I will own that forever.
> 
> ...


Working,

I know you have resentment for many things that happened during the marriage. Your husband also has a lot of resentment as well. As long as the two of you are seeking to stay involved in each other's lives you will never have lives of your own. You cannot control him any more than he can now control you. You need to let him go...completely. Who cares if he has a gf. You cares how she views him. Who cares if he knows or likes that you have a date or not. You need to disengage from him. As long as he is in your thoughts you aren't free. Bottom line...you shouldn't care whether he has a great single life. You should care only that you have a great life.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Yeah, i know we need to seperate ourselves from each other, it's really difficult after 25 years to just shut everything off. We both still have this connection that makes us want to engage with each other even if it's negative. We also talked a lot, which we both liked, we both had the same profession. We both miss that. We also do have a lot of resentment towards each other....i do miss all the angry sex we used to have though


Work in progress.....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Or you just miss the sex in general. Are you dating, working or was it just to rail him up?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Or you just miss the sex in general. Are you dating, working or was it just to rail him up?


hush hush:rofl:


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

working_together said:


> Geeze, thanks but no thanks......be careful lost I may drag you up her to shovel my drive way.


My shovel broke.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> My shovel broke.


Don't worry, I have several...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Well, things are better since my traumatizing experience last Wednesday. Since then the ex and I have had some ok conversations regarding his wishes, my wishes type of thing. He is not interested in having 50/50 custody, wants them to stay here during the week and continue to have them on weekends, maybe take them out for dinner one day during the week. We agreed that we will draw up our own contract with what we agree on, and take it to a lawyer.

The book I'm reading is helping quite a bit....the whole forgiveness thing needs to happen. I need to forgive him for some of the things he did to me in our marriage, and leave the blaming out, and the same for him. I don't expect that he'll forgive me for my cruel act, but I've also come to terms with that, I wouldn't either probably. I feel only slightly betrayed with regard to his g/f, I cannot imagine dealing with the lie after lie.

For the past week my kids have been pretty good behavior wise. The beh. charts and homework chart has helped quite a bit.

Life is getting better...slowly


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

working_together said:


> hush hush:rofl:


clever girl...:smthumbup:


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

working_together said:


> Don't worry, I have several...


Lost liner to one of my snow boots. Mittens are also wet.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> Lost liner to one of my snow boots. Mittens are also wet.


Your excuses are very lame lost. I need more convincing. Btw, the snow has been gone a while, I have a big lawn though....


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> clever girl...:smthumbup:



You talking to me????


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

working_together said:


> Your excuses are very lame lost. I need more convincing. Btw, the snow has been gone a while, I have a big lawn though....


Was about halfway then snow chains fell off of my push mower. I had to come back and are waiting for custom chains to be made. Also ordered a pair of studded snow tires for it. 

should be in around October.


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