# Suspect Cheating! Need advice by tonight!



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Skip to issue if you don't want to read back history.

History: Husband and I have been together 5 years, married for over 1. He recently fell in to a state of depression which has encouraged his alcohol abuse. The disease is controlling him now and he's thinking irrationally about everything. He's detrimental to me & himself. He and I have decided to get a divorce, although at the moment we are still living together civilly, because I allow him to. He'll be moving out eventually when he has enough money. I've allowed him to continue living here simply because I do still love him and don't want him out on the streets. However in the last 2-3 months A LOT of strange behavior has arisen from him. He's out of the depression now, lately he's full of suspicious behavior. His excuses for wanting the divorce are strange and don't really add up. He initially blamed himself, playing the role of the martyr, then suddenly it turned on to being my fault. He says he has "begrudingly" supported us for the last 2 years. He makes $1800 a month after taxes and I make over $1400 a month after taxes. (Sad I know, but we do just fine). I wouldn't say he "supports" us all by himself. I have to get to the bottom of where all these excuses and ideas are really coming from.

Issue: I think my husband has been/begun cheating on me with someone he works with. There is A LOT of time between the time he leaves for work and actually clocks in. (I do his laundry I see his clock in/clock out times). For the past 2 years he's had the same job and only recently he's been coming home later on a regular basis. His excuses for divorce were initially aimed at him, and now they've turned and everything is my fault. I've asked him over and over again if there is someone else, but he's an excellent liar, and of course he says no. I'd like to believe him, but there are other factors. Suddenly he's learned to love coffee (says it helps curb the hangover). He hated coffee, as long as I've known him, so it's weird that he's going and getting coffee everyday. Sometimes... he buys two. I know this by looking at the bank statements. My husband wouldn't buy two coffees because his tolerance for caffeine is fairly low. And two coffees would make him tired not awake. So I assume he's buying one for "someone else" and that they regularly meet to get coffee together before he goes to work. This would explain the hour of unallocated time before he goes to work everyday. He used to always open his email in front of me, regularly. Sometimes 3-4 times a day. I haven't seen him access his email in front of me in months. In fact he'll close it out, if I'm in the room. He has no cell phone so I can't investigate there. There are really no other traces of anything.

Advice Situation: Tonight I am going to spy on my husband after he gets back from a work outing. They are going rafting and this usually involves the employees getting wasted to high heaven. My husband has an alcohol problem so I am almost certain he will return totally hammered. I tried to get him to let me give him a ride, and that way I could pick him up and he wouldn't be driving severely impaired. Because, he will be. I know him, he has no self-restraint. He will also not refrain from driving impaired. He's an idiot who thinks he can do what he wants when he's drunk. He refused to allow me to give him a ride, and he also refused to allow me to pick him up. He said he's going to "try" not to get so drunk. (Last year I picked him up and he passed out IMMEDIATELY in the back of my car and slept there most of the night).
Anyway, I figure his inhibitions will be gone and I'll be covert about where I park to watch, and see what happens. I figure if there is someone, (everyone he works with knows about it) so he won't be hesitant to kiss her good night or whatever... (insert cheating behavior). I need to know. My marriage is ending, and nothing is adding up. Maybe I'm just a woman scorned looking for answers but nonetheless, I need to rule this one out or find it out for myself. I know I'm not totally crazy. I know that there is more to this story, than what he is telling me, and if infidelity were the answer it would explain EVERYTHING.

My Questions To You;
If he is cheating and I see it for myself, do I react then??
Do I drive home and handle it maturely with legal action to evict him??
Do I even tell him that I know?? Because if he were to be cheating he could stem to lose some things. Things I would love to have and I feel I deserve.

-Side note:
If he's super impaired and tries to drive, do I blow my cover?? Do I stop him from driving?? I know that doing that will not be good. I'll have to explain to him I was spying on him, which will not go over well. I feel obligated to do so, but he's a grown-up and he's allowed to make his own decisions, be they bad or good. Why should I have to stop him?? What about all the other people who know he's impared??


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Oh and I have also been lead to believe that the real reason my husband wants to get a divorce is because he wants to see other women. Something he has not told me. Apparently he and his friend (whom told me this) are very similar and don't want relationships but want to feel free to bang whomever. I haven't approached my husband on the subject because I'm pretty sure he'll just lie. I've asked him time and time again if there was someone else or if he wants there to be, and always says no. It's about him. He wants to be alone. No obligations, no responsibility.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

A little too much going on for my level of advice, however I would strongly suggest that if you insist on spying on him tonight that you do not confront him at the parking lot or at home. 

1. You need time to process what, if anything, you find out
2. He will be drunk and won't respond in any rational way

Just return home and get some rest while he is sleeping it off. Many on this forum would tell you they reacted too fast after finding out about infidelity without thinking through everything, including their next move. 

I repeat, stay as calm as you can tonight. Good luck.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Just think of whatever you find as evidence for your case. You two are getting divorced so it's pretty much water under the bridge at this point. If you catch him in something talk about it the next day when he's sober.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thank you for the advice. I agree. Holding it in for a few days even might be for the best. Although I would take GREAT pleasure in catching him in the act and confronting him. I think taking the time to act rationally is essential. Basically I want 2 of our 3 cats, and I'm trying not to be selfish about, and letting him take them, because they belonged to his sister prior to us, and it's as simple as that. I want nothing else but the cats. I figure legal action will not award them to me, but I do want them. However, I could never convince him that I deserve them, so I don't bring it up. Sorry if I seem like I'm scrapping at anything to obtain this, but moreover... I really think there is another woman. Like I said it would explain A LOT! And if there is, I want to get everything I can from this infidelity in the divorce. Because you're right, it's happening. Even if he were to change his mind. It's over. I'm done. I've had enough. He's the most selfish person I've ever gotten close to, and I don't want to live like this anymore.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm not sure about the other woman, but if he's an alcoholic there is not much you can do about that part. He's probably in such a stage of denial.. trying to help him would be like talking to a brick wall. He probably thinks he's cruising along without a problem. You're getting divorced anyway so I would just leave him to his own devices. The alcoholic won't get help until he himself realises he has a problem.. some people go years and years before they can admit that to themselves. I would leave him to his own devices and let him pick up the pieces afterwards - he needs to learn the hard way that he has a problem and that for drinking like that, there are consequences. "I will try not to get so drunk this time" - textbook addict line. Never works. Some people need to lose everything (including wife and family) before they can admit to themselves that yes, this drinking is actually a problem! It would be a good idea to go to Alanon until the divorce is final so that you can get some good support and learn how not to enable his drinking habit. They are a good lot at Alanon, very friendly and helpful


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

76Trombones said:


> I'm not sure about the other woman, but if he's an alcoholic there is not much you can do about that part. He's probably in such a stage of denial.. trying to help him would be like talking to a brick wall. He probably thinks he's cruising along without a problem. You're getting divorced anyway so I would just leave him to his own devices. The alcoholic won't get help until he himself realises he has a problem.. some people go years and years before they can admit that to themselves. I would leave him to his own devices and let him pick up the pieces afterwards - he needs to learn the hard way that he has a problem and that for drinking like that, there are consequences. "I will try not to get so drunk this time" - textbook addict line. Never works. Some people need to lose everything (including wife and family) before they can admit to themselves that yes, this drinking is actually a problem! It would be a good idea to go to Alanon until the divorce is final so that you can get some good support and learn how not to enable his drinking habit. They are a good lot at Alanon, very friendly and helpful


I TOTALLY agree with you about this. Reasoning with him is like beating my head against a wall. The only person that gets hurt is me. He's totally unaware of his problem. He has no idea that the disease controls him completely. No idea. It's not like he's not acknowledging it, he thinks he's completely functional. What he doesn't realize is that this so-called functionality doesn't apply to his marriage. I'm not saying he alone is to blame why our marriage is ending. In many ways he is, because he's not willing to work anything through, he wants to runaway and with his tail between his legs. Without addressing any issue we have. He simply wants out because he's scared of future obligations. Which I have pushed upon him. I'm scared that when we're 40, I'll be standing next to his hospital bed with kids saying "sorry honey, daddy is not going to make it." 

He won't even talk to his family about the separation or divorce. He's simply avoiding them (which is nothing new). He's had plenty of opportunity to do so too. Both my parents and sister know all about what is going on. I've turned to them for support and understanding, in a marriage where there is none.

The more I talk about the reasons why we're getting divorced, the less I can believe I married him. I thought eventually he would grow to be a loving husband and father. That he would grow out of the alcohol phase, and that I could tolerate it until then. Trust me, if this were the case I would. I'd tolerate it for as long as humanly possible. But he's become emotionally & verbally abusive. That, I won't tolerate. 

Initially when we talked about getting separated it was so he could deal with his depressive state, and then I revoked that idea realizing leaving him to his own devices would only make it worse. I think I scared him with the idea, now he's using it, I assume to break my heart before I break his. He's afraid of our future, and he would rather be alone without responsibility so he can get ****faced hammered every night without any guilt.

I'm also worried that today he will have taken some Ecstasy with the group because I know it was being supplied by one of the people. He said he'll never do that, but I have my doubts. Can you blame me?


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Well I'm leaving here in about 15 minutes to execute my plan. Wish me luck, and further advice won't be necessary. If I get unexpected results (he is cheating) then I will be posting here about what I should do next.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

So I went. No conclusions. I parked too far away to even see anything I needed binoculars just to identify him. However I could see his vehicle and he left at the same time I did. I took the slow way home assuming he would beat me home. He did not. Here I sit an hour later with sweaty palms worrying if he got pulled over or not. Or if he is with "her" or not. I'm panicking and don't know what to think.

I suppose I will question him when he gets home and see about his so called "never lies to me" scenario and we'll go from there. I suppose I'll have to tell him I spied, but first I want to see if he lies. I know exactly what time they got back and if he does I've got him. Telling the truth about spying while catching him in a lie, is not such a bad thing. He obviously gives me reason to spy right....


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

So did he kill anyone on the way home?? If he did, dont blame me for holding you equally accountable. Are you for real? What sane person would knowingly allow someone to get on the road in a 3,000lbs rolling death machine. I wish I would have read this post earlier as I would have begged you to have a police car meet him in the parking lot prior to getting in the car. Jesus Christ in Heaven did this not even occur to you to do anything in your power to stop him from driving "wasted" or are you just too involved in your scheme to catch him in the act that the safety of everyone else is not important. And yes it is also the responsibility of his co-workers to not allow him to drive so I'll blame them as well. 
Sorry if you think I'm being harsh but, I lived in your neck of the woods for sometime and have many friends with beautiful families that still live there. I'd be more than irate if one of them got killed by your a-hole soon to be ex.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

kirkster5 said:


> So did he kill anyone on the way home?? If he did, dont blame me for holding you equally accountable. Are you for real? What sane person would knowingly allow someone to get on the road in a 3,000lbs rolling death machine. I wish I would have read this post earlier as I would have begged you to have a police car meet him in the parking lot prior to getting in the car. Jesus Christ in Heaven did this not even occur to you to do anything in your power to stop him from driving "wasted" or are you just too involved in your scheme to catch him in the act that the safety of everyone else is not important. And yes it is also the responsibility of his co-workers to not allow him to drive so I'll blame them as well.
> Sorry if you think I'm being harsh but, I lived in your neck of the woods for sometime and have many friends with beautiful families that still live there. I'd be more than irate if one of them got killed by your a-hole soon to be ex.


I totally agree with you. No one in should ever drive intoxicated. To be quite honest I could not tell how impaired he was, and I didn't approach him because I didn't want to start an argument. Especially in front of people. He didn't come home right away. He apparently drove across the street to Carl's Jr. and sobered up until he was comfortable driving home. However when he did get home (which was hours later) he was still very impaired and should not have driven. I told him he should have called me, but he made excuses. You don't understand there is no reasoning with this person. He is an alcoholic. I will not be held accountable for his actions, he probably would have gotten in his car no matter what I tried to do. Calling the cops would have probably been the better option at least then he couldn't have driven away. I realize now, I probably should have. I'm sure he was not the only one who drove away from that place super intoxicated. I blame the owner who supplied 500 beers for 30 people and then left them to their own devices when they returned.


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