# My crazy effed up wife



## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

I've lurked here for a bit, but just now decided to join. Here's my story:

Been with my wife for 21 years, married almost 10. She was 18 and I was 22 when we became a couple. She had always had some emotional instability due to a troubled childhood, but I did as well- just not as deep as hers. When we met I was a worthless POS and didn't have anything going for me but a good family behind me, she gave me reason to change my life and provide something wholesome we could both enjoy. She took care of me essentially for the first 2 years of our relationship, and as my life improved, I made a vow to repay and always take care of her. Fast forward 20 years and I have an excellent job, made great $$, have a house, go on vacations - sure we struggled a little, but in my eyes I'm living the American Dream. Also, we definitely had some ups and downs over the years, but were always faithful to one another.

So in February she calls me and says a friend of a friend on FB has some strawberry plants he's weeding out, and asked if I cared if she got some. I am not controlling, but my instincts told me no, but I said "Sure no problem" anyway. We all know where this leads but this is how it started. Anyhow, as the weeks go on the Spring season for our garden is right around the corner. She tells me she's going to get a truckload of dirt delivered and that this other guy (Strawberry Man) was going to take a yard or two for himself, help us put the other 7 yards of dirt into our garden, and pay for his. Again, didn't like it because this was a sidebar conversation I knew nothing about, but not a huge deal to me at the time. The dirt is delivered, I do MOST of the work getting it into the garden, he shows up 2 hours late and helps with the last 2 yards. Later that day My wife posts on Facebook "A Big Thanks to Mr. StrawberryMan for helping with the garden today." I was not on FB, but a friend of mine saw this and asked WTF??

So late March I started feeling something odd from my wife, so I looked at phone records, and discovered she'd been talking with the guy for 1-2 months, many times a day. I approached her and told her it needed to stop now, and WTF was she doing? She a few days go by, and I noticed the calls continued so I blasted her with a text at work asking WTF? The calls on her phone got immediately deleted and so did the texts. I blew a gasket as I went off on her about it. She marches home that day WITH HER BOSS and tells me she wants a divorce and ILYBANILWYA - I was SHOCKED! First that she brought her BOSS with her as support (how humiliating and degrading), and secondly that she dropped the bomb. During our argument I asked if this was over the guy, and was she having a PA or EA with him. She said he was nice, they have a lot in common AND were just friends. I didn't buy it. I had always drank alcohol throughout our 21 years together, and never once was told it was an issue - until the day she dropped the bomb. Said the kids shouldn't be around it, and that was going to be an issue with custody. I checked myself almost immediately into a 30 day inpatient rehab and have been clean for over 90 days- she's not going to use alcohol as an excuse to destroy my life further and try and take my kids.

I return home after 30 days (which was VERY traumatic to myself and kids) to the same old ****, except "Where are you going to live?". I told HER to "GTFO, this is my house and YOU want this. YOU had an EA or PA and are destroying our kids lives." I knew she was because I went through her phone and found this guy was texting her things like "Hey Love, how are you today" and "Baby, how are you", **** like that. She winds up moving into her Cousins basement a few miles away and has to pay rent. I also cut her off my car insurance and cell phone plan so she has to pay those now. She is STRUGGLING to pay her bills now, always complains about not having any $$ and all I say is Oh, well!

I have my kids 3 days a week and every other weekend, she has them 2 days a week and every other weekend. I am still an emotional wreck, have been on Anti-Depressents for 2 months which have helped, but my life sucks right now. Work is tough with whats on my mind.

Anyhow, my 180 I started consisted of this:

First day out of Rehab, bought a vehicle I had always wanted.
Bought myself essentially a new wardrobe
Signed my kids up for Karate like I had always wanted to do (was a problem before because we shared a vehicle)
Joined this awesome Health Club WITH MY KIDS that has an indoor/outdoor pool, childcare services, and more

My wife is bitter at me because I always provided for them, and never for myself - I am now treating myself right and she hates it because she's struggling. We have had the Alimony talk, and I quite frankly told her if she goes for Alimony, I have to sell the house because I won't be able to afford it, the kids will have to move and change schools/friends. She does NOT want that, so she has agreed to NO ALIMONY (for now). I going to refi the house and give her half the equity and that's IT (so far for now). I will have primary custody of my kids also, so I won't have to pay CS.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and she's still seeing this guy on top of it all. What a heartless ***** she's been to me, all the lies I've uncovered since - I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered just ending it all, but the kids are what's most important and I could never do that to them. I am only 1 month into separation, but don't know how I'm going to make it another 11 months for her to file. 

I want to R, but she says no, doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for 2-3 years. We go to mediation on Friday about the kids, so my nerves are tight right now. My family AND her family both support me, not her in this whole mess.

How do I stay the course? I'm not sure I could trust her again, or if she's just having a MLC that she'll get over and wake up from. She wants the D, not me.

Thanks for reading


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You are the man!

Stay the course . Let her go. And never take her back. I see good things in you future!

Stay the course,stay the course,stay the course, repeat rinse repeat!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing.

She fell out of love with you, this happens.

But, she 'openly' cheated on you. Out of the blue.

And she did it so cruelly. She has no dignity.

She did not give you a heads up, asking for counseling, nothing, she just cheated. 

She cheated, waited for you to catch her, then asked YOU to move out. Nice!

Good job on breaking your alcohol problem....yes, that was a big reason for her to fall out of love with you. No excuse for cheating, though.

The Chutzpah....

Just keep on... keeping on. You are doing what TAM members suggest. 

Don't bother asking her for an "R". She already gave it to you.

"R"ipped your heart out, "R"ammed your dreams up your butt, "R"eamed your tight throat, "R"aped your trust, "R"uined your life and her's. 

You have enough of her "R", Eh?


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Sorry that you had/have to deal with all of that, man. 

Make sure that whatever she agrees to, especially about money, you find a way to get in writing. That way, you have evidence to back you up in court. For example, if you have an e-mail or text about her turning down alimony for the good of the kids (staying in their own house) print it out. Keep anything in a hard copy form that benefits you. If at all possible, make sure dates are present. Just don't be obvious about it or it may send red flags to her... Later, if it comes to that, you will have evidence of things she agreed to and if she every tries to back pedal, use it to prove her unstable/unreliable nature. It'll only benefit you in the long run...


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> I've lurked here for a bit, but just now decided to join. Here's my story:
> 
> Been with my wife for 21 years, married almost 10. She was 18 and I was 22 when we became a couple. She had always had some emotional instability due to a troubled childhood, but I did as well- just not as deep as hers. When we met I was a worthless POS and didn't have anything going for me but a good family behind me, she gave me reason to change my life and provide something wholesome we could both enjoy. She took care of me essentially for the first 2 years of our relationship, and as my life improved, I made a vow to repay and always take care of her. Fast forward 20 years and I have an excellent job, made great $$, have a house, go on vacations - sure we struggled a little, but in my eyes I'm living the American Dream. Also, we definitely had some ups and downs over the years, but were always faithful to one another.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you are doing great!!!! it is depressing but continue with the D and then if you want to R do it after, protect yourself and the kids financially and then talk. I had similar thing with my XW if i was smart i could have gotten out much better and she is still with POSOM and I am contributing towards there fun together which sucks bad, she may not want Alimony now but that can change real quick so be smart and keep focused.

The best thing i did was finally listen to people and stop interacting with her at all it makes it much easier, no contact at all unless talking about children, my blood boils still interacting with her.

I wish I had done as well as you to start.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Let her ***** and whine. The kids and you are doing well, and she can go to hell. Poetic justice, she tries to replace you, and she ends up with the short end of the stick.

It is always a distinct pleasure to see that a cheating spouse gets their comuppance when the sh1t hits the fan. I have had a few roar at me when their plan to eject their former spouse while attempting to keep assets and cash. The most vehement ones have been cheating wives, when their best laid plans to keep the house and keep hubby paying ends up in disaster. Usually this is a delicately woven set of lies and deceit to separate the poor SOB from his family and money.

I like what we had to do to my BF's first wife. They split after ten years and two kids, actually she kicked him out, with very little warning. It was not an infidelity situation, she was just a cold hearted b1tch. Thus began court session after court session. She got him for everything. And she kept taking him back to court for increases in alimony, payments for camp, etc etc etc. It always boiled down to the same circumstances: she said she had no money and there were no subsidies available for the things she signed the kids up for. My BF spent tens of thousands on lawyers who did little to fend off his ex. Finally, he married the right woman, a trained paralegal, and finally enlisted my aid. The first thing we did is get one of the investigators from her firm to check out the ex. She also went a bit deeper and checked out all of the ex's family, and all of their financial dealings. First thing after our results came back was TO STOP ALL PAYMENTS TO THE EX.

She immediately called us back to court. We subpoena'ed her father and her mother. She managed to get out that all of the payments, which she desperately needed to continue living, had stopped. I then began to question her, not as an attorney, but as her ex husband's accountant. I went through everything. The daycare which she said cost $X but was really completely subsidized, same as the day-camps. Then we began asking about her accounts. She re-iterated that she had no savings, no funds. I dismissed her, and called her father to the stand. I presented public records of registered trust funds. He started shaking, and I told him, under threat of perjury, who was the beneficiary and whose funds they were. Turns out that the ex wife had in excess of a quarter million in bequests that her parents held in trust. Soon as the kids turned 18 and her ex husband was off the hook, she could live it up. The judge stopped everything on the spot.

I demanded that she be charged with fraud, and be jailed along with her father. The judge gave her a week to find a criminal attorney, and wanted us back in his courtroom. One week later, her attorney basically had her throw herself on the court's mercy. I still demanded sanctions. She had to pay him everything that she had taken, I supervised the accounting and she ended up having to lay out over $100K. The judge fined her $5,000 and her father was hit with a $1,000 fine and both received a criminal conviction for fraud. Their credit is wrecked, and her children have been made aware that their mother was destroying their father for literally a decade, one has hardened his heart toward his father and nothing will ever redeem the relationship. The daughter chewed her mother out and outright refuses to have anything to do with her grandparents. (Grandma died last year, and only one grandchild attended the funeral, mom was livid but could not say anything.) Mom has something else that she needs to contend with, because of all of bullsh1t, my BF had to go bankrupt, twice. Therefore, he has little or no credit. We have demanded that his ex Wife indemnify him for every loan or credit card that he wants. If he goes under, or for that matter, if he dies, she gets stuck with his debts. Again, poetic justice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She'll be back eventually wanting you, but by then you'll want nothing to do with her. It sucks that you had no control over this version of your future but, in truth, you never did; once married, you're always putting part of your future in the hands of another person. 

Sounds like your kids are going to be good. Just focus on them and giving them quality time.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

chillymorn69 - Thanks for the words of encouragement! I'm struggling with my mind right now, I think I'm out of the denial stage, but honestly, I'm uncertain about that.

SunCMars- Thanks for the words about my alcoholism, sobriety is something I am taking seriously now; that and my daily exercise regiment, and my physique has already changed for the better dropping 25 pounds. I agree she is a cruel ***** for what she's done, and she acts like I was the one to blame for everything, which I believed for the first few weeks after the BD.

Edo Edo - The financial stuff is what has me most worried, but we see a mediator on Friday about the kids and we will talk about getting that stuff put into a contract well before the divorce. Hopefully it goes according to plan, but I've told her several times that "My fate is in your hands, you have the ability to completely ruin my life financially, but that would mean I lose the house and wouldn't be able to provide for the kids." I'm hoping that is enough to deflect all of the bad advice she's been getting from her "friends and coworkers"


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

There is only one way I have found to stay the course.

She is dead. Not physically, but philosophically. The woman you married and loved is no longer. Her body has been inhabited by someone else, doing these awful things, but it isn't her. And it never will be. It's a hard concept to grasp, but you don't have to. You just have to accept it. Mourn over her for as long as you need. It's sad, it was your life and you loved this woman that is no more. Just don't be tricked into thinking that she is still here, cause she ain't.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> she's still seeing this guy on top of it all. What a heartless ***** she's been to me, all the lies I've uncovered since - .........I want to R, .........She wants the D, not me.


You know this is a wee bit ****ed up, right? Your wife has told you she's screwing another man and has no intention of stopping and wants a divorce, yet you want to R??????


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> I've lurked here for a bit, but just now decided to join. Here's my story:
> 
> Been with my wife for 21 years, married almost 10. She was 18 and I was 22 when we became a couple. She had always had some emotional instability due to a troubled childhood, but I did as well- just not as deep as hers. When we met I was a worthless POS and didn't have anything going for me but a good family behind me, she gave me reason to change my life and provide something wholesome we could both enjoy. She took care of me essentially for the first 2 years of our relationship, and as my life improved, I made a vow to repay and always take care of her. Fast forward 20 years and I have an excellent job, made great $$, have a house, go on vacations - sure we struggled a little, but in my eyes I'm living the American Dream. Also, we definitely had some ups and downs over the years, but were always faithful to one another.
> 
> ...


Just to confirm you are talking to a lawyer right, making sure you have your legal ducks in a row? I think it's better to have things signed because one day she may decided to play hardball. 

Besides that the only thing that is needed is time. Stay the course, also with the drinking. Move on. You will have better with someone more stable anyway. Unrepentant cheaters are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to long term partners. You are better off alone by a long shot.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You know this is a wee bit ****ed up, right? Your wife has told you she's screwing another man and has no intention of stopping and wants a divorce, yet you want to R??????


I want to echo this and say that this kind of love without requirement seems to fit the pattern of a lot of people who get cheated on. I have gotten to the point after reading this stuff enough to think it may very likely be a contributing factor. Just like a kid who is never disciplined ends up being a brat. It is a lack of boundaries, it's very codependent and unhealthy.

The good thing is you kicked her out and are moving in the right direction. In the same respect you need to kick her out of your heart. 180 is a good way to do that. Eventually you should have no feelings for her at all, maybe pity.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What (if any) warning signs did she give you? 

Did she tell you about things in your marriage that were making her unhappy?

For instance, if she came here and told her story, what would she say?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, it's nice to see someone who comes on here with some BBB's (Big Brass Balls), but I seriously hope you are not going to R with her UNLESS she starts showing actual remorse instead of butthurtiness.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> Edo Edo - The financial stuff is what has me most worried, but we see a mediator on Friday about the kids and we will talk about getting that stuff put into a contract well before the divorce. Hopefully it goes according to plan, but I've told her several times that "My fate is in your hands, you have the ability to completely ruin my life financially, but that would mean I lose the house and wouldn't be able to provide for the kids." I'm hoping that is enough to deflect all of the bad advice she's been getting from her "friends and coworkers"


That would be my biggest fear too. I'm glad you are getting this in writing at mediation. Just remember that despite anything she might say, she cares nothing for you now. Her only motivation to be cooperative at all is the welfare of your kids. Be sure to phrase even the simplest of requests in that context...


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> Sounds like you are doing great!!!! it is depressing but continue with the D and then if you want to R do it after, protect yourself and the kids financially and then talk. I had similar thing with my XW if i was smart i could have gotten out much better and she is still with POSOM and I am contributing towards there fun together which sucks bad, she may not want Alimony now but that can change real quick so be smart and keep focused.
> 
> The best thing i did was finally listen to people and stop interacting with her at all it makes it much easier, no contact at all unless talking about children, my blood boils still interacting with her.
> 
> I wish I had done as well as you to start.


I have been trying the NC rule. Seems to be working a little bit as she is the primary one that calls me nowadays. This morning she called and had my son on the phone to greet me, afterwards he put my other two girls on the phone. After i spoke to my last girl, they traditionally hand the phone to their mother - this morning after I said bye to my last one, I just hung up the phone!




Taxman said:


> Let her ***** and whine. The kids and you are doing well, and she can go to hell. Poetic justice, she tries to replace you, and she ends up with the short end of the stick.


Definitely, **** her!



turnera said:


> She'll be back eventually wanting you, but by then you'll want nothing to do with her. It sucks that you had no control over this version of your future but, in truth, you never did; once married, you're always putting part of your future in the hands of another person.
> 
> Sounds like your kids are going to be good. Just focus on them and giving them quality time.


That's my goal is focusing on myself and kids, and thinking life will just fall into place. Tough to look that far ahead, but it is what it is.



Herschel said:


> There is only one way I have found to stay the course.
> 
> She is dead. Not physically, but philosophically. The woman you married and loved is no longer. Her body has been inhabited by someone else, doing these awful things, but it isn't her. And it never will be. It's a hard concept to grasp, but you don't have to. You just have to accept it. Mourn over her for as long as you need. It's sad, it was your life and you loved this woman that is no more. Just don't be tricked into thinking that she is still here, cause she ain't.


I am definitely seeing that now, she is not the woman I knew or married



Hope1964 said:


> You know this is a wee bit ****ed up, right? Your wife has told you she's screwing another man and has no intention of stopping and wants a divorce, yet you want to R??????


Well, she hasn't told me that. I am assuming it because of what I have seen, and I am not a freakin idiot. The R is only because of the children, but there would be a TIGHT leash and things that would need to happen for it like full disclosure, access to phone at any time, tracking on car and cell phone, etc.



Yeswecan said:


> Nothing like coaching from a-holes who have nothing to loose but offer up all sorts of advise. In the end, it does not affect them.


Agreed, Misery loves company



sokillme said:


> Just to confirm you are talking to a lawyer right, making sure you have your legal ducks in a row? I think it's better to have things signed because one day she may decided to play hardball.
> 
> Besides that the only thing that is needed is time. Stay the course, also with the drinking. Move on. You will have better with someone more stable anyway. Unrepentant cheaters are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to long term partners. You are better off alone but a long shot.


I consulted a lawyer, but do not have one on retainer. We are trying to do this through mediation, because neither one of us has the $$ for a drawn out battle in court.

I am definitely staying the course on sobriety, and many people have told me that I am a great father and some woman is going to be extremely happy in the future.



sokillme said:


> I want to echo this and say that this kind of love without requirement seems to fit the pattern of a lot of people who get cheated on. I have gotten to the point after reading this stuff enough to think it may very likely be a contributing factor. Just like a kid who is never disciplined ends up being a brat. It is a lack of boundaries, it's very codependent and unhealthy.
> 
> The good thing is you kicked her out and are moving in the right direction. In the same respect you need to kick her out of your heart. 180 is a good way to do that. Eventually you should have no feelings for her at all, maybe pity.


I already do pity her, honestly- She is ****ed up in the head. See my response to Hope1964 above



Spicy said:


> What (if any) warning signs did she give you?
> 
> Did she tell you about things in your marriage that were making her unhappy?
> 
> For instance, if she came here and told her story, what would she say?


No real warning signs, but the sex for the 2 months before it seemed forced and not sincere. Maybe I got a little complacent with our marriage though, who knows. If she told her story she would say it was 100% my fault, honestly. She's having a MLC and going crazy, so I am not sure she could coherently tell her story. Maybe that I didn't complement her enough (which she never did to me), maybe we didn't get out enough as a couple (3 young kids makes that tough), who the **** knows..



Satya said:


> Well, it's nice to see someone who comes on here with some BBB's (Big Brass Balls), but I seriously hope you are not going to R with her UNLESS she starts showing actual remorse instead of butthurtiness.


One thing I am not, is weak- I am extremely hurt, but not weak. She would have a lot of steps to take before I took her back into my life after the cluster mental **** she created.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> Well, it's nice to see someone who comes on here with some BBB's (Big Brass Balls), but I seriously hope you are not going to R with her UNLESS she starts showing actual remorse instead of butthurtiness.


BBB

Better Business Bureau

Big Bad Bruiser.

Small boobs.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

A mediator is going to explain to her that she can get alimony/child support etc. The odds of you not having to pay is slim. She thinks the new Mr perfect is going to take care of her which is why she's agreeable to the easy deal right now. Take as much advantage of that as you can right now because sooner or later the great deal won't exist. You want to R but she doesnt, your fighting a losing battle. Don't drag this out and loose the financial battle too. Cut the deal and divorce.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

honcho said:


> A mediator is going to explain to her that she can get alimony/child support etc. The odds of you not having to pay is slim. She thinks the new Mr perfect is going to take care of her which is why she's agreeable to the easy deal right now. Take as much advantage of that as you can right now because sooner or later the great deal won't exist. You want to R but she doesnt, your fighting a losing battle. Don't drag this out and loose the financial battle too. Cut the deal and divorce.


Make no mistake about it, she KNOWS she can get Alimony from me, the reason why she will deny it is because she wants the kids to stay in the same house, go to the same school and have the same friends. See, she lost her childhood home when she was in her early teens, and was forced to move - that event has scarred her to the core to this day- she STILL drives by her old house, wishing she hadn't of lost it. I have that in my corner, THANK GOD.

If I have to pay her Alimony, I won't be able to afford the house, and we'd have to sell it. Child support is a NO, because the kids will live with me 70%+ of the time, so she will be required to pay me something every month - not much, but she would be the one to pay support. I already told her that I wouldn't accept it, so it's not a big deal to me -I told her that I would actually help her with some $$ every month until she got on her feet. I'm just crossing my fingers this becomes a reality, and I don't get screwed.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> You are the man!
> 
> *Stay the course . Let her go. And never take her back*. I see good things in you future!
> 
> Stay the course,stay the course,stay the course, repeat rinse repeat!


Why would you ever want to R with someone who could do this to you?? Stick with no contact aside from the kids, DONT do mediation and get yourself an attorney.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

You are hearing textbook affair lines from a wayward spouse. Mine said the same, and worse. The faster you brush that off and learn to disengage the better your life will be. That alone is a journey.

If I can pass on any immediate advice to you is this: get a lawyer and go on offense. You cannot negotiate with terrorists. Which is your STBX wife.

I filed for the divorce via lawyer and paid the court fee and delivered my separation offer to my stbx. My lawyer also filed a temporary motion so if she didn't comply with the offer we would go to court. Which she couldn't afford and didn't want. I didn't either but Act As If! Gotta do it.

I was fair in dividing assets and debts in my offer. Didn't try to punish her or be greedy.

End result: she never even hired a lawyer. We never did mediation to split assets. She accepted it and divorce approved. No alimony. No child support. I kept 50/50 custody. Kept my financial security.

She can always resubmit anytime after divorce to try and get 50/50. If you can get 70% now take it but realize that is not guaranteed to you. Don't make it a sticking point. 

Focus on getting the alimony and division of assets taken care of to your favor NOW. That is locked in once divorce is approved.

Be cool as a cucumber but let her know your finger is on the nuke launch button and if she wants to destroy your life she is going down with you. Or she can take a fair settlement and leave now.

Be smart my friend. Stay on TAM.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> A mediator is going to explain to her that she can get alimony/child support etc. The odds of you not having to pay is slim. She thinks the new Mr perfect is going to take care of her which is why she's agreeable to the easy deal right now. Take as much advantage of that as you can right now because sooner or later the great deal won't exist. You want to R but she doesnt, your fighting a losing battle. Don't drag this out and loose the financial battle too. Cut the deal and divorce.


You can always take her back after the divorce if she changes her mind.

Let me give you a little insight. I was in a similar situation.

I was advised - after 20 years of being married - that I could be on the hook for nearly 2k per month alimony for the rest of her life.

Suffice it to say, I bought her out.

I gave her 500k of our 660k assets. Got it in writing. She even signed a document that she releases the right to EVER sue me unless we interact. No problem.

No monthly payment.

Never regretted it.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

Why no mediators? I think at this point I am accepting this is over. Spoke with family members about it, and they are all overwhelmingly saying to get the agreement done QUICK by the mediators, signed and move on. I don't have 100's of thousands of dollars, so the only thing that will truly kill me is Alimony- which she feels she doesn't deserve because she wants to leave.

Cbnero- I spoke with family about your route, and they told me to excercise it with extreme caution because if she gets lawyers involved, I will be the one paying for them because of our salary differences. 

I honestly don't know what to do, staying the course of my 180 and sobriety is something I am dead set on.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> Why no mediators? I think at this point I am accepting this is over. Spoke with family members about it, and they are all overwhelmingly saying to get the agreement done QUICK by the mediators, signed and move on. I don't have 100's of thousands of dollars, so the only thing that will truly kill me is Alimony- which she feels she doesn't deserve because she wants to leave.
> 
> Cbnero- I spoke with family about your route, and they told me to excercise it with extreme caution because if she gets lawyers involved, I will be the one paying for them because of our salary differences.
> 
> I honestly don't know what to do, staying the course of my 180 and sobriety is something I am dead set on.


If the two of you are in complete agreement on things, you don't need lawyers or mediators. Just write it up, both sign and file and it can be just that easy. Lawyers do make everything complicated, mediators are going to take several meetings and will keep telling your stbx she is entitled to more. The longer it goes the less likely you'll get the deal of a lifetime. 

Write up an agreement and see if she signs it, worst she can do is say no.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

I did mention writing our own agreement up based off of some I have seen online. She still wants to bring it to a lawyer to have them make sure it's legit- can't really blame her honestly. 

The Lawyer I consulted with said to put a clause in it that said something to the effect of "this agreement/contract is final and may not be retried or brought into a court in the future" something like that


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Don't bother asking her for an "R". She already gave it to you.
> 
> "R"ipped your heart out, "R"ammed your dreams up your butt, "R"eamed your tight throat, "R"aped your trust, "R"uined your life and her's.
> 
> You have enough of her "R", Eh?


Only "R" he needs to concern himself with now is "R"unning the hell away from her.

Tell her she can have "Mr. Strawberry Man"..... my god, what a loser she is.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> I did mention writing our own agreement up based off of some I have seen online. She still wants to bring it to a lawyer to have them make sure it's legit- can't really blame her honestly.
> 
> The Lawyer I consulted with said to put a clause in it that said something to the effect of "this agreement/contract is final and may not be retried or brought into a court in the future" something like that


Sounds like a plan.

Keep in mind, don't let the "zeroes" in my story blow you away. I'm a pharmacist and managed to get some incentive compensation through the years working insurance etc.

What you simply must avoid is the monthly payment for life.

Protect yourself.

For example, my son still lives with my ex. He's 28

The thought of sending money to her monthly so she could make it soft for him would have me jumping off a bridge.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

You do not want mediators involved. They are they to make sure it's "fair." Well fair to them might be to question her about not taking alimony which she could legally ask for. Why would you want to introduce that chaos into something? You don't.

Sounds like she is in agreement on the split with no alimony. This makes my advice even more relevant. Unless your family is experienced with modern divorce or divorce lawyer I would take it with a grain of salt.

YOU hire the lawyer to draft it up. But in my opinion you should include setting a court date and that motion as well. Waywards are notorious for demanding a divorce and then when you get your end done and ready, they do.... nothing. 

They fence sit and think it over. Suddenly with all this time on their hands and as life starts going down the toilet because of their stupid decisions, who do you think she will blame? Not herself, i assure you. Suddenly your agreement is no longer in agreement. 

Until it is signed and sealed by a judge, she can change her mind 10 seconds before a judge is to approve.

You must get this done asap. The temporary motion to go to court puts a timeline in force in case she starts stalling. You want to avoid that.

Find a good lawyer. Listen to them.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

Wow, biotch from hell just stopped by with the kids. I reiterated the "house must be sold if you get alimony" and she said "I want what the law says I can have". I told her that she could decide what she wants to have without taking alimony. The chit just hit the fan I think. I'm screwed, she keeps bringing up the fact that I bought a new vehicle and have all of these monthly debts, yet I don't have enough for Alimony or CS? I'm fubared I think.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> Wow, biotch from hell just stopped by with the kids. I reiterated the "house must be sold if you get alimony" and she said "I want what the law says I can have". I told her that she could decide what she wants to have without taking alimony. The chit just hit the fan I think. I'm screwed, she keeps bringing up the fact that I bought a new vehicle and have all of these monthly debts, yet I don't have enough for Alimony or CS? I'm fubared I think.


File. If you have to sell the house sell it. Her fault. Protect yourself now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> Wow, biotch from hell just stopped by with the kids. I reiterated the "house must be sold if you get alimony" and she said "I want what the law says I can have". I told her that she could decide what she wants to have without taking alimony. The chit just hit the fan I think. I'm screwed, she keeps bringing up the fact that I bought a new vehicle and have all of these monthly debts, yet I don't have enough for Alimony or CS? I'm fubared I think.


Sir, if you are married the debt is 50% hers as well. Your W enjoys the spoils when married and enjoys the aftermath when the marriage implodes. The law says she can have? Does the law allow the children to become homeless? 

Keep a record of every dollar you spend. Every dollar you give your stbxw write a check for proof. Understand, your W has declared war on you and the kids.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

The worst part about Mr Strawberry man, is he is 5-6 years younger than my wife, was convicted of manufacturing Marijuana for distribution and was given 10 years, served 5 and has been out for 1 year; he has multiple previous CDS with intent to distribute charges, AND lives at home with his parents.

Told my stbex that he's just using her to get what he wants- and it won't last. Maybe she is OK with being a *****, wouldn't surprise me.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> Wow, biotch from hell just stopped by with the kids. I reiterated the "house must be sold if you get alimony" and she said "I want what the law says I can have". I told her that she could decide what she wants to have without taking alimony. The chit just hit the fan I think. I'm screwed, she keeps bringing up the fact that I bought a new vehicle and have all of these monthly debts, yet I don't have enough for Alimony or CS? I'm fubared I think.


Eh, no big deal. But you need to stop talking to her about the divorce. Start taking action instead. Very simple.

1. Hire a lawyer. A good one. Doesn't mean most expensive. Mine had goal of protecting me without costing a fortune in legal fees.

2. Have your lawyer type up the settlement you want. 

3. Give it to her.

4. Have her served for the court date.

5. If she had any changes she wants to send you an email.

6. Stop bringing up the divorce, the marriage, her affair, all of it. Don't speak about it. If she does, just say you can't talk right now and ask her to email you.

You are in a war right now and you don't know the rules. How do you expect to win? And by win, I mean survival.

She knows selling the house will push your buttons. She knows alimony will push your buttons. You need to not care about these things or at least don't show you care. First one to care the least wins!

You have all the cards you need to play them. You are looking at this all wrong right now.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

FYI the minute your life changes for the better is when YOU start taking control of your life vs reacting to the things she does.

You CAN hire a lawyer to type up the split using the stuff you both previously agreed to. You CAN have her served with this document. You CAN have all of this done within 1-2 days. I know because I did it myself.

She left on Friday. Had her served on Tues morning.

Right now you are stressing out over a bunch of "what if" scenarios and doing nothing. You need to get something going to identify what is real and then decide what your next steps will be.

You should be in your car on the way to a lawyers office right now.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> The worst part about Mr Strawberry man, is he is 5-6 years younger than my wife, was convicted of manufacturing Marijuana for distribution and was given 10 years, served 5 and has been out for 1 year; he has multiple previous CDS with intent to distribute charges, AND lives at home with his parents.
> 
> Told my stbex that he's just using her to get what he wants- and it won't last. Maybe she is OK with being a *****, wouldn't surprise me.


She has a picture in her head of the bad boy who's just "misunderstood" and she is so special he will change for her. It's a typical storyline unfortunately and of course never works. Quit telling her what you think about him, it's only fueling her affair, the whole two of them against the world silliness that so many cheaters follow. 

The sweetheart deal appears gone which happens 95% of the time anyway. When they leave they all think they are skipping down the yellow brick road to happiness, they just want out of the old to jump into the new world. Either a friend of hers or the om started telling her all the things she is entitled to and the greed factor starts kicking in. We've all her the i just want my freedom, to I only want what's fair, to half, to anything they can get their hands on. It's get more expensive the longer it goes. 

I know you don't want to go the lawyer route but with custody at play and her new Mr perfect a convicted criminal you might wanna get ready for the proverbial war on the custody front.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every day you don't have a lawyer is a day you risk being taken to the cleaners.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> Wow, biotch from hell just stopped by with the kids. I reiterated the "house must be sold if you get alimony" and she said "I want what the law says I can have". I told her that she could decide what she wants to have without taking alimony. The chit just hit the fan I think. I'm screwed, she keeps bringing up the fact that I bought a new vehicle and have all of these monthly debts, yet I don't have enough for Alimony or CS? I'm fubared I think.


If it makes you feel any better, there was no doubt it was headed this way.

The alimony honey pot is simply too strong of a temptation for people with no character.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

cbnero said:


> FYI the minute your life changes for the better is when YOU start taking control of your life vs reacting to the things she does.
> 
> You CAN hire a lawyer to type up the split using the stuff you both previously agreed to. You CAN have her served with this document. You CAN have all of this done within 1-2 days. I know because I did it myself.
> 
> ...


One foot in front of the other.

Get an attorney.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> The worst part about Mr Strawberry man, is he is 5-6 years younger than my wife, was convicted of manufacturing Marijuana for distribution and was given 10 years, served 5 and has been out for 1 year; he has multiple previous CDS with intent to distribute charges, AND lives at home with his parents.
> 
> Told my stbex that he's just using her to get what he wants- and it won't last. Maybe she is OK with being a *****, wouldn't surprise me.


STOP TALKING TO HER

What is the point?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

So in other words the OM was expecting a sugar mama, and ends up with somebody's mom. Yup, he'll be gone soon enough.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No you're not, you cant base that on her making stupid comments. Dont freak out, just get a lawyer, and sit down and see what the two of you come up with. Just keep yourself together.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> T*he worst part about Mr Strawberry man, is he is 5-6 years younger than my wife, was convicted of manufacturing Marijuana for distribution and was given 10 years, served 5 and has been out for 1 year; he has multiple previous CDS with intent to distribute charges, AND lives at home with his parents.*
> 
> Told my stbex that he's just using her to get what he wants- and it won't last. Maybe she is OK with being a *****, wouldn't surprise me.


Get documentation of all of this to give to your attorney to help with any custody issues. This is what she will be exposing your children to, if he sticks around. Its good to have also as proof of the people she chooses to have in their lives, even if he bails.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

I'd like to give an update to my post. First, the ***** is still with Strawberry man, but I don't think they're an exclusive couple- a friend of mine found my WW on PoF (Plenty of Fish) a few weeks back, and he posted it on POSOM's Facebook page LOL! Second, My children live with ME and she only gets them every other weekend. I spoke with my attorney (yes, I got one) and SHE (She's a Hyena) told me that having the kids living with me now, pretty much solidifies the fact that I will be the primary custodial parent - which means the worthless ***** will have to pay me child support. I am not worried about alimony, as I really don't have anything left to give her after all of my monthly expenses - so she's in for a rude awakening there. I also don't give two ****s about anything else but my kids now. I have done a full 180, go the gym all of the time, went from 23% bodyfat to 16% and gained 15 pounds (muscle!), I've been sleeping and eating well and just feel all around great about myself- The best I have been in many years to be honest. My WW's friends have dumped her and embraced myself and my kids, and everything is going great. I am always busy and active with my kids, and life seems pretty good to me right now.

I'll continue to update, but I want to personally thank everyone that responded and contributed to this thread!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a great update, thanks for sharing! I love that she is going to end up paying support, LOL!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> I'd like to give an update to my post. First, the ***** is still with Strawberry man, but I don't think they're an exclusive couple- a friend of mine found my WW on PoF (Plenty of Fish) a few weeks back, and he posted it on POSOM's Facebook page LOL! Second, My children live with ME and she only gets them every other weekend. I spoke with my attorney (yes, I got one) and SHE (She's a Hyena) told me that having the kids living with me now, pretty much solidifies the fact that I will be the primary custodial parent - which means the worthless ***** will have to pay me child support. I am not worried about alimony, as I really don't have anything left to give her after all of my monthly expenses - so she's in for a rude awakening there. I also don't give two ****s about anything else but my kids now. I have done a full 180, go the gym all of the time, went from 23% bodyfat to 16% and gained 15 pounds (muscle!), I've been sleeping and eating well and just feel all around great about myself- The best I have been in many years to be honest. My WW's friends have dumped her and embraced myself and my kids, and everything is going great. I am always busy and active with my kids, and life seems pretty good to me right now.
> 
> I'll continue to update, but I want to personally thank everyone that responded and contributed to this thread!


You were right when you said you were strong in an earlier post. Nice to see, well done.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> I'd like to give an update to my post. First, the ***** is still with Strawberry man, but I don't think they're an exclusive couple- a friend of mine found my WW on PoF (Plenty of Fish) a few weeks back, and he posted it on POSOM's Facebook page LOL! Second, My children live with ME and she only gets them every other weekend. I spoke with my attorney (yes, I got one) and SHE (She's a Hyena) told me that having the kids living with me now, pretty much solidifies the fact that I will be the primary custodial parent - which means the worthless ***** will have to pay me child support. I am not worried about alimony, as I really don't have anything left to give her after all of my monthly expenses - so she's in for a rude awakening there. I also don't give two ****s about anything else but my kids now. I have done a full 180, go the gym all of the time, went from 23% bodyfat to 16% and gained 15 pounds (muscle!), I've been sleeping and eating well and just feel all around great about myself- The best I have been in many years to be honest. My WW's friends have dumped her and embraced myself and my kids, and everything is going great. I am always busy and active with my kids, and life seems pretty good to me right now.
> 
> I'll continue to update, but I want to personally thank everyone that responded and contributed to this thread!


It's a pity that more men don't act decisively like you did and get rid of their cheating wives.Instead they take advice from Internet quacks who have a guru like status with some people including members of tam.
Again,well done you deserve praise.


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## MarriedAHooker (Sep 20, 2017)

quitting alcohol in response to the divorce is good, but, too late


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