# What I cannot wrap my head around...



## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

...is why WH will not just confess when confronted with proof. Why is lying the only thing any WS can do. I effing do not get it. 

The lying and complete disregard and respect for the spouse is the most painful thing. 

I really need to understand the thought process. 

And, why don't they just leave? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Oh, that and the mind movies of what transpired in my bed while I was traveling for work.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ugh!

Trying to wrap your head around evil, selfish stupidity isn't worth the effort.

Your H is trash.

He doesn't want to pull himself out of the trash heap so he acts like he doesn't smell like what comes out of a dog after eating two pounds of limburger.

Remorseless.

How much are you going to put up with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

They don't want to tell you the truth because they "don't want to hurt you".... really. They SAY crap like that. I got that too!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

DivorcedMoms.com | Article

I dated a narcissist once, and this article is a very insightful one, relating to being married to one. Sounds like you're married to one. Hope this gives some help to you. Sorry you're going through this, right now. If someone won't admit that he/she is lying, no growth can really occur, and to me...you're worth more than living a lie. But, that's how narcissists live.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Please don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure him out. He's an ass and nothing more.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Lilybelly said:


> And, why don't they just leave?


Do you want him gone?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They don't leave because they don't want to. My ex-husband didn't want a divorce and tried hard to convince me I didn't want one either (worked out for him the first time but not the second time). 

As to why they don't tell the truth, they continue to deny, deny, deny because they don't feel it benefits them to tell the truth. Their concern is for themselves, obviously. It often works because the BS wants to believe it. I did (the first time).


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I've a mouthful to share, having kept so much of it in and will tomorrow.
But, I am getting stronger each day.

I'm even willing to take a few 2x4's..

Thank you for your responses and the article link.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lilybelly said:


> ...is why WH will not just confess when confronted with proof. Why is lying the only thing any WS can do. I effing do not get it.
> 
> The lying and complete disregard and respect for the spouse is the most painful thing.
> 
> ...



You have to stop doing this to yourself as there is no way to get inside their heads. They will deny even with proof because they think that if they say it enough times it is the truth. It is based on self preservation. The BS is never the priority because if they were capable of putting others first they would not have cheated in the first place, it is always about them.

Sorry you are in this position.


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## SadH (Mar 26, 2016)

I am a victim of adultery myself. The cheater has ONLY two choices when you get right down to it: either take responsibility or not.

I have been dealing with this for 2 years now. My spouse is fully willing to take responsibility for her actions in every way. That and the fact we have 2 children together is why I stayed with her.

If your spouse won't take responsibility, then give an ultimatum and stick to it. If he can't do the right thing then get out. 

My life has been pure hell the last two years, and that is with my spouse doing everything that she can to repair the relationship. I can't imagine living with her if she would not even admit to the affair.

Life is too short. Love yourself, and find someone else who will treat you with respect.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Oh, BTW - when my WW told me they were "just friends" - after moving out of our home and into his... I asked how are they were "Just friends" when I found them both, naked in their new apartment. She said "You assume, doesn't mean you are right"..?! #@(*&^$#@!! Then a few days later, she finally admitted that they we not just friends.... like NO Sh-duh!

I was calm when I asked the question, since I already knew it was a lie.

But later that day, the anxiety attacks began for the first time in my life. First, it was slight trembling hand. Within two days, I was hospitalized with 180bp.

Someday, I hope to laugh at that... I mean, it would be funny in a movie.
I check my BP everyday, I'm low 120s > 70s.

Rarely will a wayward know the pain they caused to their betrayed partners.

I can wrap my head around some aspects of WHY, but I cannot wrap my head around the fact that she would or could do such a thing to me, our son and herself.
The therapy we both get and AA meetings, her not drinking daily with the AP - she is easily a happier person now, and we talk more than we did a year ago which is something we enjoy.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

This is liable to get quite length and I apologize in advance.

We will have been married just two years the end of June. The lying started just before the wedding along with the erratic behavior. H has PTSD so I attributed the behavior to a trigger and in part, that was true but I trusted my gut. I looked through his email and found emails to his ex-wife where he told her about a girl he had been seeing and that it was over. This was around the time of my son's graduation from high school and when I confronted him, he told me that he was lying to her...baiting her to leave her husband for him so he could blow up her world when she came to him wanting him back. I was horrified but the gas lighting started there...maybe even a bit before that. I believed him. (I think there is a mark on my forehead, a permanent one now that says.. F&*# with me, I'll believe you)

I was absolutely not okay but he wouldn't give me the truth and we were three weeks from the wedding at this time. We moved ahead even. In my mind, I needed irrefutable proof and I just didn't have it. We married and then the next PTSD trigger happened in August. From August until November 11, things were awful. He was not the man I thought I knew and said horrible awful things to me. When we were out, he would sneak off to the bathroom to text whoever he was texting and in August, I saw the name as she texted him and it came through when I was sitting next to him. He would delete it and then show me and say..see nothing is there.. You are crazy. I remembered the name and messaged her on FB and told her I was his wife. She had no clue. That ended . Fast forward to November 11. Veterans Day and I received a FB message from her telling me that he was texting her again and she sent me the texts of the day. She was telling him to "eff off and if you don't stop texting me, I will tell your wife." He didn't care. She and I talked later that evening after he was passed out and the poor girl was an unknowing victim. She had no clue he was engaged and then married and he had disappeared on her at times. They did not have sex. This was an EA. 

When I got home, he was hammered, as he was much of the time during that period. I blew it all up, told him he could get out and he was so drunk, he couldn't do anything. I took his phone and he received another text from one I lovingly call the crack *****. Talking about how she wanted his #$%^. He went to bed. I went to work in the morning and collapsed from pain and heartbreak at work. My poor people at work picked me up off the floor and helped me get myself under control. 

He texted me and said I was the most important person in the world to him and he needed help. He quit drinking and became transparent and we worked hard to get things put back together. The thing that hurt me so much was that our wedding was a farce and he lied to me and our friends and family. Ugh. He had lied to me steady for seven months and by then it was too late. 

More to come...


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Getting through the EA was extremely difficult for me. I became a person I didn't even recognize, I never trusted a word he said but he stuck to the agreement of no drinking etc and no longer took off for "rides" on his bike alone.. He had always done that to clear his head...even from the time we met so I never suspected anything until the EA. Turns out that because I trusted him initially, he could carry on his EA, take her on dates and even spend the night with her and I wouldn't suspect anything different. I was so stupid. 

I ended up and am still on AD's. Thank my Doc every day for helping me recognize that I wasn't going crazy and needed help that I couldn't get anywhere. There were some very dark times, where I seriously thought of taking my life. I thought and felt I was going crazy. By Thanksgiving 2015, we were doing good, I was more stable but something didn't feel right so I pulled the cellphone records (all in my name) and there were 1550 texts between him and one of his employees in a three month period. 

I lost it, confronted him and they stopped the texting. She was someone who appeared to also be a friend of mine but I didn't really trust her. December 30, I received a call at work from her boyfriend who told me to go home, get the mail, go to the post office and pick up the certified letter that I received from him. I did just that. Inside the envelope, were the most vile, dirty copies of text messages between the two of them. Her boyfriend of six years told me that this had been going on since June and that there were tons of them but he could only get the ones that he sent me off her phone. I was devastated and absolutely insane with ange3r. I walked into their workplace and made the biggest scene anyone has ever seen and while he was trying to get me to leave, I hit him and was screaming at him and crying and yelling at his other co-workers..asking them if they knew that the two of them were <insert expletive here> each other. I am not proud of this but it did fell good to out them to everyone.

Then I went home and I sat on the couch for six days straight, put a to my head twice, all the while, he was telling me that this guy was a known nutcase and made the whole thing up using some fake software. He went looking for this guy, knew him from him stopping into their work place and went about trying to get him to tell the truth to me about his "fake" texts that he sent. Three months later, I am still in this space of him telling me that it was bull****, that she was never in our home when I was out of the country for work and that the boyfriend is a nut case. (he is, many court appearances for punching out dudes he thought she was sleeping with...she probably was. Tramp.) It was and is horrible.

The next thing he did was sign us up for MC. Because I was going to "need help getting through this". He told the therapist the same story and she called BS but said that the only thing we can do is move forward and work on putting things together. He wants me to trust him and so the next thing to work on at therapy, is to start working out why he did these things.

The thing is, I genuinely like the guy. We have a ton of fun together and there is love there between us. I just am not sure which way is up so I am the one who is rugsweeping right now. I don't know if that is because of my meds..but I don't feel anything really. I am trying to GAL now and have registered for motorcycle classes and am working out and doing things for myself.

I want to track him, I want to place VAR's in my home so that when I travel for work, I can hear what happened when I am gone. 

Everything is in my name, the house, the cars, the bike and this state is a no fault state so I am biding my time for now. I am terrified of being ruined financially and that keeps me in it as well. I have worked so hard to get her. And, he is making a ton more money now with his new position at work and if I leave, I want in on that as well. I have found an attorney who is a barracuda, especially for this type of situation but haven't made an appointment to meet with her. I want the tracking and VAR stuff. I'd like to get something on his phone but can never get it long enough to do anything. He is smart though so these things need to be small and able to be hid without any suspicion on his part. No lights, no sound and small.

Okay, that is it for now.

Thanks for letting me get this all out. I have been and felt so alone and certainly have been confused about the truth...thanks to the Gas lighting.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The best long term for you would be to file for divorce and focus on a new life without him. You've been married less than 2 years and really he has never been faithful. You will never be able to trust him, he has never earned it to begin with. 

You have a short term marriage. Set up an appointment with a lawyer and find out the potential financial impact. Given the length of the marriage it's doubtful any alimony claims can be made. Most states the assets to be divided are the ones acquired during the marriage. It should be a simple divorce. 

This should be the best times of your married life, not dealing with this issue. In general terms it only gets more complicated the longer your married. Especially when your dealing with someone in denial about what he has done. 

Will he ever admit or give full disclosure who knows, you will drive yourself nuts hoping he does or trying to figure out why he wont. A friend of mine works as a prison guard and of course every inmate is "innocent" or framed. Many would be free on parole if they would just hold themselves accountable for there actions, be remorseful etc yet they always fall back on the victim card or if you don't admit it didn't happen angle. It's all just variations on denial and a refusal to deal with ones own issues.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I am looking for guidance and support for those who are willing to talk with me.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

Thank you, Honcho. The hard and really sad thing for me to face is this is my second marriage. I was divorced for 15 years, raised my son and waited for the right person 
! met him, had a wonderful courtship and I am 52 now. I feel like there isn't anything else out there for me. Who would want a woman who has been divorced two times, despite being a genuinely warm, kind and fun individual?

Those honest thoughts stop me dead in my tracks. I don't want to be alone in my golden years.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WH is completely toxic to you. Completely.

My heart goes out to you, but you must know that you have to save yourself. Either save yourself now or do it later, after you have suffered much worse heartache.

This is toxic, pure and simple. If you make excuses to stay in this marriage given all that you already know, you have only yourself to blame. I'm sorry, but you must know that it is the truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lilybelly said:


> Thank you, Honcho. The hard and really sad thing for me to face is this is my second marriage. I was divorced for 15 years, raised my son and waited for the right person
> ! met him, had a wonderful courtship and I am 52 now. I feel like there isn't anything else out there for me. Who would want a woman who has been divorced two times, despite being a genuinely warm, kind and fun individual?
> 
> Those honest thoughts stop me dead in my tracks. I don't want to be alone in my golden years.


There's lots out there for you.

And that might not include allowing a cheating POS to remain as part of your life.

If you saw a friend who was disfigured by a massive cyst on their neck and they said to you that the reason they had not had it removed was because: "Well, it's been a part of me for two years and I can't imagine getting rid of it!" you would tell them to get to a doctor to have all the toxic material in it removed, wouldn't you?

So, why aren't you having your cyst (sorry! husband!) removed from your life?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think you are undervaluing yourself by staying with this man. I see no reason to believe that no one else would want you, but it is obvious that he is bad for you. This won't get better, so you can either leave now or leave later. Why subject yourself to such treatment any longer than you have to?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Lilybelly said:


> Thank you, Honcho. The hard and really sad thing for me to face is this is my second marriage. I was divorced for 15 years, raised my son and waited for the right person
> ! met him, had a wonderful courtship and I am 52 now. I feel like there isn't anything else out there for me. Who would want a woman who has been divorced two times, despite being a genuinely warm, kind and fun individual?
> 
> Those honest thoughts stop me dead in my tracks. I don't want to be alone in my golden years.


Your second marriage is so short in the grand scheme of things and if meeting someone new it should be pretty obvious the second was a mistake and doomed to fail from the start. 

There are plenty of options for a life with someone in your future if you want it. Warm, kind and fun individuals too often stay with a deadbeat because they fear being alone. Lots of middle age people are available and let's face it everyone has some sort of baggage as we get older.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Lilybelly said:


> ...is why WH will not just confess when confronted with proof. Why is lying the only thing any WS can do. I effing do not get it.
> 
> The lying and complete disregard and respect for the spouse is the most painful thing.
> 
> I really need to understand the thought process.


Cheaters think that, no matter how good the proof, it's still not true until they say it out loud to you. So if he doesn't admit anything out loud, you must believe his denials instead of your proof.



Lilybelly said:


> And, why don't they just leave? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Oh, that and the mind movies of what transpired in my bed while I was traveling for work.


Why should he leave? It's his house too.

Try not to waste too much time and emotional effort on figuring him out. Spend it strengthening yourself instead. If he won't leave voluntarily, get the legal process underway to kick him out.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

I am working on getting stronger and in the end, this has all been a farce and I want to know why someone would do such awful, horrible, disrespectful, and abusive things to someone who has done nothing to deserve it. I don't understand it and it keeps me awake at night.

I honestly don't know how folks could treat people like this. It breaks my heart every day. And I'm tired..so tired of pretending all the time. And of feeling so alone.

Maybe it is time to get help.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lilybelly said:


> I am working on getting stronger and in the end, *this has all been a farce* and I want to know why someone would do such awful, horrible, disrespectful, and abusive things to someone who has done nothing to deserve it. I don't understand it and it keeps me awake at night.
> 
> I honestly don't know how folks could treat people like this. It breaks my heart every day. And I'm tired..so tired of pretending all the time. And of feeling so alone.
> 
> Maybe it is time to get help.


Uh oh.

Have you been in a false reconciliation?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lilybelly said:


> This is liable to get quite length and I apologize in advance.
> 
> We will have been married just two years the end of June. The lying started just before the wedding along with the erratic behavior. H has PTSD so I attributed the behavior to a trigger and in part, that was true but I trusted my gut. I looked through his email and found emails to his ex-wife where he told her about a girl he had been seeing and that it was over. This was around the time of my son's graduation from high school and when I confronted him, he told me that he was lying to her...baiting her to leave her husband for him so he could blow up her world when she came to him wanting him back. I was horrified but the gas lighting started there...maybe even a bit before that. I believed him. (I think there is a mark on my forehead, a permanent one now that says.. F&*# with me, I'll believe you)
> 
> ...


Get out of this marriage now.
The first paragraph is telling, what kind of screwed up person would want to play such a game on his ex wife? Or play with your mind like this.
You are far too good for this man, dump him before he utterly destroys you. He is probably an alcoholic too. He doesn't give a **** about your feelings and who he hurts, get him out of your life now.
Why did you marry him when all the warning signs were there, you need some therapy of your own to understand why you would be willing to settle for that kind of treatment in a new marriage.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

I don't know your whole story, but as a WS I had a different "logic" to my lying. 

Not long before my BS discovered my A, I was beginning to realize it wasn't going to work. I do not know what I would have done had it gone undiscovered a little longer, but I was starting to lean towards ending it myself. When she found out I was feeling trapped, so it was a relief I didn't have to hide it anymore.

Like I said, I don't know your story, but that is what happened in my case.


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## Lilybelly (Mar 24, 2016)

The above isn't even the half of it. I feel to embarrassed to let out what else has happened but believe me when I say, I am one heck of a stupid woman. I am a shell of my former self. The gaslighting, and that mess really messed me up and I feel weak, like I can't trust myself anymore. 
And I don't know where to turn.

I am thankful for my doctor, who recognizes I was in trauma and put me on AD's to help. They do but I'm not clear enough test and have had a couple of really, really bad days where the weapon was near and almost called an ambulance to get me. And that causes me to feel weaker and ashamed.

Despair and trauma and unbearable pain.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> And, why don't they just leave? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Oh, that and the mind movies of what transpired in my bed while I was traveling for work.


As a woman, you do have an option men don't. I almost hate to suggest it but I do hate a POS cheater.

Get a TRO; all you have to say is you are in fear for your life in an exparte hearing and presto - his constitutional right to due process is null and void and he's out on his ass.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

americansteve said:


> As a woman, you do have an option men don't. I almost hate to suggest it but I do hate a POS cheater.
> 
> Get a TRO; all you have to say is you are in fear for your life in an exparte hearing and presto - his constitutional right to due process is null and void and he's out on his ass.


Isn't that lying under oath if your just saying it to get the spouse kicked out of the house?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Isn't that lying under oath if your just saying it to get the spouse kicked out of the house?


You would think - right?
But no!

According to the prosecutors office in ******, unless she confesses it is impossible to prove perjury. He put it like this, how can you prove that she wasn't in fear for her life?

It's a huge problem in the States and one more example of our failed criminal justice system. Men are routinely dispossessed and their constitutional right to due process set aside just so a judge can err on the sir of caution.

It's called restraining order abuse. It's even worse actually. There was a guy from Indiana (I would mention his name but it might violate TAM rules) who made a big deal of the TRO his wife took out against him. He setup a blog and named and shamed the judge that issued it. He spent 5 years in jail for that. Forget about 1st amendment rights in the States.

These so called "constitutional rights" in America are a sham, total farse.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

The short answer @Lilybelly is that you can't understand his behaviour because you don't think like him. 
People like that are wired differently to us 'normal' people. 
He sounds like a full blown narcissist, he definitely has very strong narcissistic traits. @deidre also mentioned it. 
They're so kind, charming and fun one minute & then they turn on you the next & treat you cruelly. 
Then they come crawling back, promising the earth. But they tend not to keep their promises. 
It's an emotional roller-coaster. 
They tend to blame everyone else. And get angry easily. 
They also tend to be serial cheaters & the more attention they can get from the opposite sex, the better. 
And how do you know when a narcissist is lying? When they open their mouths. 
Their behaviour is what is called 'crazy making' & they reduce their spouse to an emotional wreck. 
They have no empathy & don't care about the devastating effect of their behaviour on their spouse.
Worst thing is that there is no cure. 

If all or even a lot of this sounds familiar, your only option to recover your sanity is to leave. 
It is also advised to have NC, no contact whatsoever with them once you do. The reason is that they can be so charming they can suck you back in. That's called hoovering and they do it, a lot. They may even try it a few times. See what he did to his ex-wife? Tried to get her back to dump her again. And the charm they can switch on is what keeps their spouses there in the first place. Let's just say I've had experience with a narcissist. You have only been married 2 years? And have no children with him? 

Good luck & remember, above all, you do not deserve this abuse. Nobody does. Usually their spouses need heavy duty therapy to recover from the emotional abuse after it's over, whether their spouse dumps them, or as is often the case get dumped. 
In any case, you won't get your sanity back until you get out of this dreadful situation. 

Do a search on YouTube. There's some good information on narcissists. The advice is always to leave them asap.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

To answer your question "why do they lie" because it works. People will believe what they want to believe. You did as most BS on this site have at one point. 

Yes people like your husband are wired differently. They are expects at the how, but not the why. So the how becomes their choice of means to fill an endless need for validation. Read these two threads and see how they can interrelated. I am coping and pasting the first as it is in the Private section and you will need 30(?) post to have access.



A player:

Thus was posted by a player who posted this. *What BS needs to understand that the void in a player is only within themselves and will never be filled. *Literary it is a case of it really is them and only them. *
Understand the player will always be looking for his next fix in an endorse quest to fill an unfillabke void.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
findingmyway is offline Forward Message*

Now read this F-102 bullet point on how an EA begins (which is the first step to a PA) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html

SOMETIMES IN LIFE IT REALLY IS THEM, NOT YOU !!! So just walk away. These two links will help you break free. 

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Going ?Gray Rock? with a Narcissist | Narcissist Support


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

I haven't read through all of the posts, but my H didn't admit to his first one until years later. I knew and he knew I knew, but he still denied it. I knew so much of it he thought I had hired a PI. This time, I'm actually considering hiring one so I can give the info to the divorce attorney. Cheaters suck!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JohnA said:


> I am coping and pasting the first as it is in the Private section and you will need 30(?) post to have access.


Hey it really isn't cool to copy stuff out of the private section. People post there for privacy.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Thor, I agree but this was a paste of a paste with no ID provided and is very genetic post. However I will PM it in the future.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

People lie when confronted because it's human nature to lie when you're afraid of the consequences. 

Plus, it's quite rational. If they already know, then the marriage is likely over. If they can bluff their way through it convincingly that 'likely' becomes a 'maybe.' It's just playing the odds even if the odds are ****ty. Like having a 15 when the house is showing a 7 and realizing you have to hit. 

Which is why, if you're going to confront, you need to expect them to lie. And have evidence.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lilybelly said:


> Thank you, Honcho. The hard and really sad thing for me to face is this is my second marriage. I was divorced for 15 years, raised my son and waited for the right person
> ! met him, had a wonderful courtship and I am 52 now. I feel like there isn't anything else out there for me. Who would want a woman who has been divorced two times, despite being a genuinely warm, kind and fun individual?
> 
> Those honest thoughts stop me dead in my tracks. I don't want to be alone in my golden years.


Justy thoughts after reading your first page:

Anyone that makes you put a gun to your head, you're better off without. 
To think you've been divorced twice and can't find someone is just totally wrong. You can. Anybody would beat this serial cheater. You have to detach and move on. He's also affecting your health in a negative way. You will get better in a year after you get rid of him.
But, yes, it will hurt like hell for a while. Lots of men looking for a good, faithful woman. I am sorry this guy has you thinking so wrong about yourself and has been such a horrible excuse for a human.
You will overcome this. I can tell you are determined to make your life better, and you will succeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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