# New to Forum



## -Molly-

Hi everyone, I am here obviously because I have marriage problems and I am really hoping I can find some insight through this Forum. I have been just reading through many of the posts here since I joined, and I guess it's about time I started posting. Reading these posts, has just gotten my mind going, and I am full of anxiety now. :frown2: I look forward to meeting you all and helping each other. :smile2:


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## EleGirl

Welcome to TAM!


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## MovingForward

Welcome @Molly I hope you get the help you need here.


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## SentHereForAReason

-Molly- said:


> Hi everyone, I am here obviously because I have marriage problems and I am really hoping I can find some insight through this Forum. I have been just reading through many of the posts here since I joined, and I guess it's about time I started posting. Reading these posts, has just gotten my mind going, and I am full of anxiety now. :frown2: I look forward to meeting you all and helping each other. :smile2:


Hi Molly, welcome. If you can post the general gist of your issue, we can maybe point you to the right sub-forum to start interacting.


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## chillymorn69

Welcome


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## -Molly-

Thank you all for the welcome.



stillfightingforus said:


> Hi Molly, welcome. If you can post the general gist of your issue, we can maybe point you to the right sub-forum to start interacting.


I think I know where I need to start, the "physical and mental health" section and go from there. We have been married 19 years, and I would say we have had problems off and on for at least 14 years. The last 6 or 7 being the worst. So I am dealing with many different issues, past and present, because things were never discussed and resolved, just swept under the carpet. There is so much resentment and I feel almost hatred, on both our sides, I don't know if we can even get past any of this.


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## arbitrator

*Welcome, @-Molly-

I hope that we resident TAM'ers can give you just as much help with your concerns, just as you'll be able to help us out with ours!*


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## Adelais

Have either or both of you been to independent counselling or marriage counselling?

What marriage books have you read together or separately?


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## -Molly-

Araucaria said:


> Have either or both of you been to independent counselling or marriage counselling?
> 
> No, neither of us have ever done counselling. I think I would like to, for myself. Later, I might ask to see if he is interested, but I really don't think he will be. I don't think he will even understand me doing it. I might have to do it on the sly. I haven't had time to check out the counselling resources on here yet, but I will. I only have so much time each day to come here. and there is so much to read!
> 
> What marriage books have you read together or separately?


He does not read and never will, I have tried! I bought the book, Women are from Venus, Men are From Mars, years ago to read. He was so critical of me reading that. And I tried to involve him, by having discussions about some of the things I read, but he was not interested to discuss. I never finished it. :frown2:


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## -Molly-

oops, not sure what I did, but the answer to your first question is here:

No, neither of us have ever done counselling. I think I would like to, for myself. Later, I might ask to see if he is interested, but I really don't think he will be. I don't think he will even understand me doing it. I might have to do it on the sly. I haven't had time to check out the counselling resources on here yet, but I will. I only have so much time each day to come here. and there is so much to read!


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## Tron

Where are you from Molly?

Is his aversion to self improvement, counseling, etc. something cultural?


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## Adelais

Molly, it sounds like he is stuck, and is content with the status quo.

You are going to have to get healthy by yourself. The marriage will probably not get healthy with only you working on yourself. Eventually you will come to the point that you either accept it for what it is, or you decide that you can't live like that and you leave.

I wouldn't recommend reading marriage and self improvement materials in secret. Why do that? Perhaps when he sees you reading, and changing, it might motivate him to find out what the heck you are reading. There are many good books that you can also get in audio format, if he listens to things. You might just get the audio versions yourself, and then he might overhear some good information as you are listening.


Two very good books, both by Willard Harley, to add to your bookshelf are:

His Needs Her Needs

Love Busters

They can be checked out from the Library in CD format. (I copied mine to mp3 format, so I could listen to them on my tablet. My husband has also listened to them on his way to and from work. They have helped our marriage tremendously.)


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## -Molly-

Araucaria said:


> Molly, it sounds like he is stuck, and is content with the status quo.
> 
> You are going to have to get healthy by yourself. The marriage will probably not get healthy with only you working on yourself. Eventually you will come to the point that you either accept it for what it is, or you decide that you can't live like that and you leave.
> 
> *I wouldn't recommend reading marriage and self improvement materials in secret. Why do that? Perhaps when he sees you reading, and changing, it might motivate him to find out what the heck you are reading.* There are many good books that you can also get in audio format, if he listens to things. You might just get the audio versions yourself, and then he might overhear some good information as you are listening.
> 
> 
> Two very good books, both by Willard Harley, to add to your bookshelf are:
> 
> His Needs Her Needs
> 
> Love Busters
> 
> They can be checked out from the Library in CD format. (I copied mine to mp3 format, so I could listen to them on my tablet. My husband has also listened to them on his way to and from work. They have helped our marriage tremendously.)





Tron said:


> Where are you from Molly?
> 
> Is his aversion to self improvement, counseling, etc. something cultural?



If he sees me reading anything to do with marriage improvement he gets very angry. I don't even access this site unless he is gone from home. I think it is because he is in such denial, that if he sees me reading something like this, it's an acknowledgement that something is wrong, and he refuses to talk about anything. Nevermind, he has issues with me talking online, regardless help forum or even facebook. Any problems we have, it's just shuffled away and life resumes as if nothing happened. Now I believe he has some mental issues, and this could possibly be part of the problem? I really don't know. That's another thing I need to figure out, is what problems are purely caused by mental issues, and what is just simply real problems that would be present if there was no mental issues. I am really confused by everything, and it makes it so hard when he will not talk.


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## Adelais

-Molly- said:


> If he sees me reading anything to do with marriage improvement he gets very angry. I don't even access this site unless he is gone from home. I think it is because he is in such denial, that if he sees me reading something like this, it's an acknowledgement that something is wrong, and he refuses to talk about anything. Nevermind, he has issues with me talking online, regardless help forum or even facebook. Any problems we have, it's just shuffled away and life resumes as if nothing happened. Now I believe he has some mental issues, and this could possibly be part of the problem? I really don't know. That's another thing I need to figure out, is what problems are purely caused by mental issues, and what is just simply real problems that would be present if there was no mental issues. I am really confused by everything, and it makes it so hard when he will not talk.


Molly, even if he doesn't want to talk about any problems, much less deal with them, it doesn't give him any right to stop you from learning and dealing with yourself and your marriage.

He uses anger, and sounds like a bully to control you. I believe that you are actually in an emotionally abusive marriage.

He is not going to like this, when he hears it, but you have to say, "You might not like reading, talking with others, or learning about personal and marriage issues. That is your right. However, you have no right telling me I can't grow as a person, or learn about what is going on in our marriage, and in myself."

Repeat, "I have a right to read what I like, learn what I want, and talk to people in order to get help. You have no right to control those parts of my life. Trying to control me and hold me back is abusive. I will not stand for abuse anymore."


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## -Molly-

Your right. I need to become stronger and start standing up for myself, regardless if he gets angry. It's silly that I should be scared to read things like this forum, I am not doing anything wrong. Except doing it behind his back, I guess. But I mean, he can jump on my laptop anytime he likes, I haven't been hiding my history or anything. maybe it would be good if he checked my history and read my posts since I can't talk to him. :grin2::laugh:


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## Blaine

Welcome Molly Sorry for what ur going thru. I have to ask has he ever hit u or hurt u? Has he ever had any problems with drugs? He seems like one of those guys that can go off for no reason at any time.


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