# Liar, cheat and a sneak...



## rswa3319 (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't know what to do... sometimes I really do think that I am going insane and need to go away for a "rest." I have caught my husband searching and answering personal ads three times in our marriage. Two of those times I have kicked him out but I always end up trying to work on things with him. We have two children and two of the times I have caught him it was while I was pregnant. There is a LOT of back story but recently he has admitted that he was raped as an adolescent and he feels that that's what's causing all these issues that we have. I understand how messed up someone can become due to childhood trauma but we have been together for 6 years, married for 5, own a house and have two kids together.... how much MORE can I give to him to show him that I love him??? He has had two credit cards totally $12,000 that I never knew about that are maxed out and in collections (preventing us from being able to buy a house which is the only reason why I found out in the first place!!) and cannot account for any of it. I also have a very serious feeling that he is addicted to porn, video games or both. He is completely devoid of interaction with us, very short tempered and I have had to ask him multiple times if he is on drugs because he doesn't behave like a normal rational person. Every time I catch him doing something he always cries and tells me how I am the only one he wants to be with... but theres ALWAYS porn on the computer or his cell phone. I'm totally losing it here and dont know what to do.... I have a 3 year old and a 6 week old and JUST started back to work what in the heck am I going to do to pay the mortgage??? 

I'm heartbroken, mad, lost, betrayed and wondering if there is anything left to salvage. I cant trust him with anything and my whole body cringes when he tries to be affectionate to me. All I can think about when he does is all the porn I've caught him with and all the personal ads hes answered and looked at. I'm not even sure what I am trying to seek by posting this......


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what is your husband doing to resolve his issues, assuming they exist? Everyone has a history and baggage; it's how we deal with that that defines what kind of person we are now.

C
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## rswa3319 (Apr 7, 2012)

Currently he is not doing anything... every time i catch him in some new idiotic lie he repeats the whole cycle of crying, being appologetic and then eventually turning it around to him needing the love and support and basically too darn bad for me... he talks a good game about "seeking help" but hasn't done anything except look up a couple specific questions on google answers...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems pretty straightforward, then... He obviously can't help himself, and won't seek outside help. Until something happens to shake up this dynamic, the situation won't change? So you need to decide whether this situation is acceptable as it is.

EDIT: Btw, personally I'm very leary of "self diagnosed" addictions. In most cases, I'd bet it's a case of someone not understanding the difference between "can't stop" and "won't stop" their behavior. So the first step would be getting an actual diagnosis. 

C
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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

This is a tough situation. Please stay strong and firm with your resolve
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## rswa3319 (Apr 7, 2012)

It does seem like it should be fairly straight forward... but in the meantime I am financially reliant on his income along with mine. We own the house we are in and are currently unable to sell it so it's not even as easy as just breaking a lease early and going our separate ways. I have family in the area that could help with a place to live but not anything financially. The more I think about it the more I have to fight against depression... because of the kids I can't even just fall apart for a little bit and let all the "poison" out (meaning emotion and tears). He informed me today that it's me who is the unreasonable one for not wanting my husband to lust after other woman and that he might as well be castrated etc etc etc then walked away half way through a sentence so I guess the discussion is over. I'm the horrific frigid irrational one and he's just doing what the typical 27 year old does...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you want to separate or divorce, your first step could be to request marriage and individual counseling. If that doesn't work out, or if he refuses, your options might be individual counseling for yourself, or talking to a lawyer.

If you do decide to separate or divorce, he will have financial obligations for child support if nothing else. A lawyer can help explain how things are likely to play out. 

Good luck, and sorry to hear of the situation you're in.

C
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