# Need to vent and need advice



## Mahe (Jul 18, 2016)

I'm engaged to be married to my fiancée at the end of this year. I have children from a previous marriage and she has no children. We've had our ups and downs throughout the relationship but I love her dear and thought she loved me. In my previous marriage, I was cheated on to the point where I was forced to file for divorce. I've always had trust issues since then but my fiancée has went far above and beyond in order to convince me that she is faithful and would never hurt me. Last night, she asked me to give her the app password on her phone so she could download an app. I set this phone up over a year ago and gave it to her. I went through my notes and gave her the password but my curiousity got the best of me. I logged onto icloud.com with the password and checked her icloud mail. There was nothing there. I went to the notes section and she had several notes dating as far back to when I gave her the phone. I felt a little bad snooping because I want her to have her privacy but I don't know why, I just couldn't stop going through her things. I came across one note that had 2 email addresses that I've never seen her use before. The note had the email address as well as the password. I went online and logged into the account and found that about 3 weeks ago, she signed up on a couple dating websites. I tried my luck by using the same email and password on those dating sites and sure enough, I was able to log in. I checked the messages and my heart just dropped. There is nothing sexual in nature in the messages but she has been messaging various men back and forth. In some of the messages, she gives them her number to text her. I checked the profiles and it's no doubt her. I can't imagine someone else making a fake profile and using her real number and she not mention anything to me about it.

Since finding all of this out, my stomach has been in a knot. I can't even eat because I feel so hurt. I confronted her this morning trying to give her a chance to tell me the truth but she has denied everything. I have not tipped my hand and told her that I read the messages. She does not know what I know other that I know she has been unfaithful and because of this, she has been denying everything. She says I'm the one with the problem and that she doesn't know what I'm talking about. The only major issue that we've ever had in our relationship is the fact that I have 2 kids. I always felt that she would prefer to be with a man that has never had any children. She has said in the past that having more children won't be new for me but I've always told her that I will love all my kids the same. I agreed to one day have more children with her but I told her to not expect me to love my new kids any more than my older ones.

I guess the right thing to do is to call off the wedding and relationship. I just feel so hurt because I never thought she would do that to me. I leaked a few details about her screen name and some of the men's names that she has been talking to but she is still denying everything. I love her so much and can't believe this is happening. Does anyone here think that anything can be done to salvage this relationship? I know people make mistakes and although I have no evidence of anything sexual or meeting up, I know with 100% certainty that she has at least been entertaining other men on these dating sites. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know what you need to do.

Her fiance audition failed.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*You know what you need to do.

Her fiance audition failed.*


You need no more advice than the above. You are thinking about getting married and she is thinking about hooking up with other men.

Now, you can talk yourself into denial and start making excuses for her. She is doing what is called "gaslighting" you, making you think you are crazy, and going on the offensive to make you drop it.

Now if you want to absorb more pain, you can just play dumb, do not confront her any more, and since at least for now you can get into these accounts, it will not be long until she goes to meet one of these guys. Will that help you?????? If so, how?????

if you go that silly route, I would put a GPS on her can and a VAR in it in case she changes the passwords that you have cracked.

my guess is shortly, she will be headed to a fake GNO, or will go off the radar with no explanation, or just lie to you about where she is going.

not really marriage material buddy. You have dodged a big time bullet. Your call if you want to get in the line of fire again.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes calling off the wedding at least for now would be the best thing to do. A woman or man who is engaged has no business being anywhere near a dating site. Sigh. You are not alone in feeling she would never do something like this to you. Most people would not be in a serious relationship if they knew their partner would do this while they were still together. 

So what do you feel is your next step? Do you honestly feel like this is a mistake or something she seeked out deliberately? I know it is hard to face; but look at the facts in front of you and go from there.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

You will not get any truth out of her anytime soon so don't count on that or who she used to be to come clean with you. You need the evidence showing exactly that and then she *might* admit the rest of the story. Cheaters lie and lie even when their spouse can shove all the evidence in their face they will lie some more. I feel you have enough without delving any deeper because it is obvious what she has been up to...while engaged to you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The woman obviously needs attention from other men. This will not change after marriage.

Run fast away from her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Engaged woman going on to multiple dating sites...

Please listen to this warning:-
Jahozafat.com - Lost In Space: dangw.wav

And consider STD tests, because if she will visit dating sites, there no telling what else she might have done, random chap she met in a cafe, some bloke she saw in a grocers... (Sorry, chap, bloke, I suddenly wen't all old movie Brit, then!  )

But, back to being serious, if you had found your wife had a hobby she hadn't told you about, like a secret passion for painting miniature pictures, or she had a hidden model railway, then that'd be fine.
*
But her hobby involves cheating on you.* And that, no matter how you try to slice it and dice it, just is not cool.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I actually would advise you to not dig any further and just call things off and move on. I say this because digging further will only cause you more pain. There is a good chance she met up with people if she gave them her number. That's typically what happens when the conversation moves off the dating site. Not to make you feel worse, but after watching my wife's single friends date, as well as my single friends. Things move pretty swiftly in the online dating world. Its pretty much a brief coffee introductory meeting, followed by a second dinner date, sex usually happens on either the second or third date.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Mahe said:


> I guess the right thing to do is to call off the wedding and relationship. I just feel so hurt because I never thought she would do that to me. I leaked a few details about her screen name and some of the men's names that she has been talking to but she is still denying everything. I love her so much and can't believe this is happening. Does anyone here think that anything can be done to salvage this relationship? I know people make mistakes and although I have no evidence of anything sexual or meeting up, I know with 100% certainty that she has at least been entertaining other men on these dating sites. Any advice would be appreciated.


What do her actions tell you. Don’t rationalize or excuse the behavior. Her behavior is hers and she has to own it. Actions like this mean that she is unfulfilled, in some way, and is seeking to find that fulfilment……..outside of the relationship.

Do you know what the requirement is for reconciliation? Both people have to be at the table. She is not at the table. I am not saying she won’t come to the table, but that is on you to decide. You will have to do the work to bring her to the table. Can you do that?

Think objectively about this. Is she invested in the relationship, and so invested that she will support and defend her vows and responsibilities?

As far as her denial. Just tell her what you know. You are trying to convince her..... of facts she well knows. She is the one that did them. Tell her you know the truth. Then give her the space to formulate her next action plan.

Do this to her:

1. These are the facts.
2. I need 100% faith from you. I will leave you to decide whether or not you can deliver.
3. Do not argue. Do not logic or reason with her. Do not invoke your victimhood. Do not launch a guilt trip. You do all of this to maximize the effect.


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## Mahe (Jul 18, 2016)

Thanks for the advice guys. I just wish she would at least tell me the truth. That would show that she cares. By her still denying everything, that shows that she doesn't respect me as a man. I guess I should be happy that I found out about all of this now before we got married, had kids, and started a life together. It just hurts because she was so convincing. For now, she has not responded to my last text asking for her to return some things that she has of mine. I've been watching the online accounts now and I'm waiting for them to be deleted at any moment now.


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## Mahe (Jul 18, 2016)

And speak of the devil. Just checked one of the profiles now and it's been switched off lol. God why does this **** have to happen to me!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Print out everything hand it to her, and tell her these are her walking papers. At this point there is no use hiding the info.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mahe said:


> And speak of the devil. Just checked one of the profiles now and it's been switched off lol. God why does this **** have to happen to me!


She is doing too little, too late.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> You know what you need to do.
> 
> Her fiance audition failed.


yep....so sorry


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Send her this text:

"Has it ever occurred to you that I know a h*ll of a lot more than you think I do?.....Isn't it a little late to try deleting your profile on (site name) at this point?

You are my fiancé. We have made plans to share the rest of our lives together.

At a minimum, I deserve to know the truth here.

Without it, those plans and our relationship are meaningless."


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

don't waste any more time on her. you know all you need to know. you don't need to convince her of anything or to "win" some argument.

in time you will be happy you found out when you did, before you married her and she became entitled to half your sh-t.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think at this point you should feel fortunate that you found out about this before you married her. Calling off the wedding will be hard and questions will be asked. Be sure to let people know the real reason and don't let her off the hook.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mahe said:


> I'm engaged to be married to my fiancée at the end of this year. I have children from a previous marriage and she has no children. We've had our ups and downs throughout the relationship but I love her dear and thought she loved me. In my previous marriage, I was cheated on to the point where I was forced to file for divorce. I've always had trust issues since then but my fiancée has went far above and beyond in order to convince me that she is faithful and would never hurt me. Last night, she asked me to give her the app password on her phone so she could download an app. I set this phone up over a year ago and gave it to her. I went through my notes and gave her the password but my curiousity got the best of me. I logged onto icloud.com with the password and checked her icloud mail. There was nothing there. I went to the notes section and she had several notes dating as far back to when I gave her the phone. I felt a little bad snooping because I want her to have her privacy but I don't know why, I just couldn't stop going through her things. I came across one note that had 2 email addresses that I've never seen her use before. The note had the email address as well as the password. I went online and logged into the account and found that about 3 weeks ago, she signed up on a couple dating websites. I tried my luck by using the same email and password on those dating sites and sure enough, I was able to log in. I checked the messages and my heart just dropped. There is nothing sexual in nature in the messages but she has been messaging various men back and forth. In some of the messages, she gives them her number to text her. I checked the profiles and it's no doubt her. I can't imagine someone else making a fake profile and using her real number and she not mention anything to me about it.
> 
> Since finding all of this out, my stomach has been in a knot. I can't even eat because I feel so hurt. I confronted her this morning trying to give her a chance to tell me the truth but she has denied everything. I have not tipped my hand and told her that I read the messages. She does not know what I know other that I know she has been unfaithful and because of this, she has been denying everything. She says I'm the one with the problem and that she doesn't know what I'm talking about. The only major issue that we've ever had in our relationship is the fact that I have 2 kids. I always felt that she would prefer to be with a man that has never had any children. She has said in the past that having more children won't be new for me but I've always told her that I will love all my kids the same. I agreed to one day have more children with her but I told her to not expect me to love my new kids any more than my older ones.
> 
> I guess the right thing to do is to call off the wedding and relationship. I just feel so hurt because I never thought she would do that to me. I leaked a few details about her screen name and some of the men's names that she has been talking to but she is still denying everything. I love her so much and can't believe this is happening. Does anyone here think that anything can be done to salvage this relationship? I know people make mistakes and although I have no evidence of anything sexual or meeting up, I know with 100% certainty that she has at least been entertaining other men on these dating sites. Any advice would be appreciated.


At least call of the wedding. I agree with straightshooter though. You have already been through divorce once.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mahe said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. I just wish she would at least tell me the truth. That would show that she cares. By her still denying everything, that shows that she doesn't respect me as a man. I guess I should be happy that I found out about all of this now before we got married, had kids, and started a life together. It just hurts because she was so convincing. For now, she has not responded to my last text asking for her to return some things that she has of mine. I've been watching the online accounts now and I'm waiting for them to be deleted at any moment now.


Are you sure the the dating site wasn't an old account? 


If not then don't think this is on you, she may very will care but you could be George Clooney and she would still be on these sites. Why? Because she is broken. 

The only thing you need to work on is why you keep ending up with these types of woman. There were probably signs that you were missing. That is the issue you much solve and you need to solve it before you pick someone else. 

I'm sorry dude but you will survive and one day you will realize that you got lucky by finding out before you were married.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump her immediately and permanently.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You are one lucky man. You found out she is a liar and a cheater before you married her. I suspect your gut was telling you something and you listened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mahe (Jul 18, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Are you sure the the dating site wasn't an old account?
> 
> 
> If not then don't think this is on you, she may very will care but you could be George Clooney and she would still be on these sites. Why? Because she is broken.
> ...


I'm absolutely positive that this is not an old account. I read some of the messages and one exchange was just as recent as 2 days ago. I will call things off and start all over again. It really sucks though but it's better I find out now than later


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## Mahe (Jul 18, 2016)

Thound said:


> You are one lucky man. You found out she is a liar and a cheater before you married her. I suspect your gut was telling you something and you listened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I noticed she has been becoming more distant, a little more cold, and not having time for me like before. We also had some weird discussions about my kids and that made me feel that she wasn't happy about them. I felt that she was jealous about the time I spend with them but when I confronted her about it, she said she is fine with them. Judging by what I've seen online, she is looking for a single man with kids. I guess I did dodge a bullet though.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You did indeed dodge a bullet. But, keep searching. You will eventually find someone who won't cheat.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

"OP" do not listen to her bullsh1t gaslighting... she'll never admit to it, and if she does hypothetically she will big-time down play it and pin it on you. Do not listen to this poor excuse of a woman. It's exactly what she is. At least she did you the biggest favor in the world. 0P you do not even know the hell she just saved you from. Other posters already mentioned this scenario. This could be your future, Your married 10+ years three kids she decide you're not paying enough attention to her. Then her next course of action, she decides turn to on Supertramp and not the Band... Her true self. Multiple ONS three PAs with coworker, neighbor down the street, or her best friend husband. You got the big picture right.? Actually you should walk up to her with big smile look at her in her eyes then shake her hand then say "thank you so much"... walk away never talk to her again.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

And don't ever, never tell her the source of your information....make up some BS instead, a friend told u or anything but the truth

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mahe said:


> I'm absolutely positive that this is not an old account. I read some of the messages and one exchange was just as recent as 2 days ago. I will call things off and start all over again. It really sucks though but it's better I find out now than later


Good man. Maybe you should read books like "not just friends" and "I thought it was just me". Both written for woman but it may give you some insight on the types of woman to stay away from. I am sorry for you OP but there is still hope, just not with this one.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mahe,

What do you know about this womans prior relationships, does she claim to have been the victim in many of them. From what you wrote she sounds like a "specialist" who goes after a certain type of man.

There's also the issue of your choice of women you mentioned that your exW cheated badly on you, perhaps you need to take a break before getting serious.

Don't feel bad about the snooping, people with nothing to hide hide nothing. Snooping is cheaper than divorcing.

Also in spite of the fact you are going to end the relationship, I would still gather the evidence and then expose your fiance to the ends of the earth. It will be good practice in case this happens again.

Tamat


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Do you live with her? Are you sure she hasn't met up with any of them?

Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Given all that you have told us dump her permenantly and make it quick.

Stop supporting her financially, emotionally, whatever.

She has crossed a serious line. Infact she has crossed many serious lines.


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