# Stay for the children? What's your opinion?



## Restless (Jul 6, 2009)

As parents, we want to do the best that we can. We want to raise healthy, wise children who can battle the toughest of situations.

Obviously, having a mom and a dad is good. But - if the choice to stay married can only be attributed to the good of the child, is it better to stay in a marriage that makes you miserable or leave, be happy and continue to be the best parent that you can be?

What do you think??


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Our children were definitely a factor in us staying in the marriage through the roughest of times. But during that time we were able to greatly improve our marriage. There was never any screaming and yelling between us just a lot of stress and anxiety. In our case it was definitely the right choice.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I think children need to see a healthy happy adult relationship. If what they see is fighting and negativity, then it is better to be divorced. Two unhappy parents aren't better than one parent. Marriages have a lot of ups and downs, so weathering the storms can be an admirable quality, but being a complete martyr is overboard.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Even if there is not yelling and screaming, keep this in mind:

Some people mistake "conflict" for "yelling and hollering." The "cold silent treatment" is just as obvious to children, since parents who suddenly do not speak to each other, or who are no longer affectionate with each other mark a significant change in a child's eyes. Some argue this kind of conflict is actually worse for children than open arguments; an open argument can be resolved, but a quiet, subtle war does not appear resolved.


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## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

I have been told the same thing. (see quote below).. kids learn from what they see as well, so a kid raised by unloved parents will think that is the norm and possibly repeat.

Of course I am the poster child for "staying for the kids" (and other reasons..$$)... 

my marriage is all but dead... i am just waiting for a townhouse that I own to become vacant (currently rented)... i have to deal with the possibility that my kids will not visit me as much as i would like but that is something I need to deal with. Too much stress for my own health (everyone's health really).




Sensitive said:


> I think children need to see a healthy happy adult relationship. If what they see is fighting and negativity, then it is better to be divorced. Two unhappy parents aren't better than one parent. Marriages have a lot of ups and downs, so weathering the storms can be an admirable quality, but being a complete martyr is overboard.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I think that if you're unhappy in the marriage it shows for your kids. It manifests in bad ways, different for every person but it manifests. I think there are a lot of kids who pick the unhappiness up and wait for the divorce, and then for other kids it's unexpected. 

Both of my biological parents in an attempt to stay married in the beginning ****ed up my childhood. Which in turn led me to tell people they had been killed in some freak accident. My mother felt that I needed a Father, my Father loved my Mother. My Mother was unhappy with my Father, felt trapped, took it out on me, and shut the door on my Father. My Father in turn took me. I in turn prayed for divorce and their death.

Of course...My case is probably a bit more extreme than yours, but I personally think if you're unhappy and if you don't think it's fixable that its better to leave it. Walk away and find your happiness. Buuuttttt my opinion is a bit biased. So... yeah.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If my following opinion offends anyone, I apologize in advance. I know everyone is going through hard times and is doing the best they can with what they have. Im sure every parent is making decisions they feel will be in the best interest of their children and themselves. 

so this is just my opinion, gleaned from my own observations in life, made with all due respect to those going through these difficult decisions. If you do not care for it, find it offensive, naive, even stupid, please discard it. It is, after all, just an opinion.

I personally think divorce is just another form of abuse to a child, added to the already intolerable circumstance of dysfunctional parents. Leaving an abusive situation is not really possible, since abuse is a codependent dynamic between two unhealthy individuals. The dysfunctional choices made in the marriage will follow each spouse out of the marriage and the abuse merely continues on a different stage. The child will suffer residual abuse caused by the inability of individuals to understand and solve interpersonal matters, and divorce is only another chronic effect of that inability. the child will suffer as they did in the marriage, only more so for obvious reasons: the complex circumstances of merging families, dating parents, single parents, isolation, abandonment, having to take sides, guilt, etc. Divorce is another abusive decision made by dysfunctional people, and does not in any way benefit the child. 
The divorcee will feel "free" forgetting the child does not understand that and is feeling something entirely different.


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## Zenocrate (Jul 15, 2009)

I'm struggling w/ this too -- 4 more yrs. before youngest is off to college but I have to wonder if I'm doing her any favors by staying?! Her perception of marriage must be skewed by our non-communicative, non-demonstrative, non-love. It's bad enough that I'm living in a loveless relationship, I do NOT want my kids to repeat it. I'd thought I was doing the right thing staying until they all leave home - teen yrs. hard enough w/o parents creating more stress -, but now I just wonder if it's really the right thing. Can anyone comment from experience?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

What is your situation? Abuse,Affairs, Fighting?

If the above applies...then often it is better to get out of a toxic relationship for the children.

However, if you you get along but don't feel those "in love" feelings that many expect (not me), then perhaps stay.

I believe 2 parent families are the way to go as long as they are healthy and NOT toxic. It's easier to rear children in 2 parent households and kids benefit from the access to both parents.

However, if healthier conditions exist...why not give it a try and see how it goes. Don't put a "wait until they graduate" timeline.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Zenocrate said:


> I'm struggling w/ this too -- 4 more yrs. before youngest is off to college but I have to wonder if I'm doing her any favors by staying?! Her perception of marriage must be skewed by our non-communicative, non-demonstrative, non-love. It's bad enough that I'm living in a loveless relationship, I do NOT want my kids to repeat it. I'd thought I was doing the right thing staying until they all leave home - teen yrs. hard enough w/o parents creating more stress -, but now I just wonder if it's really the right thing. Can anyone comment from experience?


Same boat here. Two more years til the youngest goes to college. You described our relationship - non-communicative, non-demonstrative, non-love. Been that way for 8-10 years. My kids probably freak out if they saw a husband/wife kiss.

I can tell my kids don't like being here right now due to the tension and stress of our potential divorce.


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## mashed (Jul 15, 2009)

*!*

Isn't it amazing just what we do to keep our kids from harm!! I sometimes think that we are doing these things only to keep our heads on straight - to keep believing. But I cannot believe that it is to their benefit to witness (learn) how a relationship is supposed to function when the two adults they are watching are showing no love and no affection towards each other. Isn't that exactly the opposite of what we hope to teach them?!? Aren't we hoping to show them what love is all about!!!? Maybe it is not being "in love" all your life, but at least it is to love (want/desire/show affection) to your spouse!

Splitting up (divorce) is a massive decision for everyone around. But kids aren't harmed by the split, but rather how the people around them respond to that split. That, obviously, includes the parents - they must cooperate. But what about the well meaning friend, teacher, colleague, etc that greets them as the victims of something awful ("Oh, how are you coping"?, "I'm so sorry", "that's awful", etc etc). Maybe it was for the better! Maybe the kids were suffering too! But of course the kids will think that their parents split is all bad... Kids need support and role models. Not martyrs. (how about this; you showed your kid that you chose love above everything else - you were not afraid to go for the real thing)

And finally, isn't it amazing how some people can by default assume that staying together is always the better option! That really blows my mind. Either they are in good relationships with lots of love and affection. Or maybe they just stick to the hope that time (and lots of effort) will turn things around. I believe that sometimes (some couples) have to call it quits. Deciding who and when is the difficult part. I must have read a 1000 blogs and web pages about the subject. Everyone agrees that a relationship between two people is one of the most demanding commitments (and difficult choices) anyone can make. So isn't it obvious that some people make the wrong choices? And that will lead to "readjustments" in peoples lives along the way. Two wrongs doesn't make it right. 
I'm right there in the middle of the process... and it is eating me away...

Maybe the real love is how much we go through to keep our kids from harm... Would we want THEM to do that?


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## Zenocrate (Jul 15, 2009)

My situation is not toxic -- but that would involve chemistry! and there's none of that in my home. No, it's just dead, benign, inert. And I agree w/ mashed, I think. I don't want to be a martyr but I also don't want to be selfish. I just want to FEEL again. I don't want to die and not ever again feel real love. I can wait, but should I? I honestly don't know.....


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## mashed (Jul 15, 2009)

There are no quick fixes - unfortunately. The only thing that matters is

PERCEPTION IS REALITY

That is universal. It means you are a nice guy although you feel you are considering things you shouldnt and that it is your belief of up and down that really matters.... YOU are walking in yoSo you will have to decide, you alone! YOU!

PERCEPTION is REALITY - you are walking in your shoes not every one/anyone else. Only you can know what it is really like...

Good luck!!!


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## mashed (Jul 15, 2009)

My cut and paste made troubles for me... Hope it is understandable. take care.:smthumbup:


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