# Phone/Internet Privacy



## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

I'm in kinda a dilemma with my husband I would appreciate any advice. A little over a year ago he cheated on me with a a co-worker. Things hit the fan. We fought over our house which I ended up taking possession of. We both then went on to date other people and then months down the line ended up deciding to reconcil and try to work on our marriage. Things were going fine until a couple months ago he decides he needs all my passwords to all my account (ie: facebook, instagram, email, att login, etc.) because he just wants to "make sure I'm not doing anything" and that if "I don't have anything to hide I should let him have them". This has caused a lot of resentment on my end. I don't care if he goes through my stuff but I HATE the feeling of not being trusted. I never cheated on him. But now he is taking it even further, I don't know what program he installed where or whatever he uses to get his information but he asked me how many emails I have and I responded 2. Work and Personal. Well apparently he found email account from like 15+ years ago from when I was a teenager that I don't even have access to anymore and is demanding to know what the passwords are to them. Which... I don't have. Nor is any of my information the same to be able to even reset the password. He refuses to believe me. He managed to crack into one from 8 years ago since I have the same phone number as I did back then. Now he is pissed about an ex and pictures I took for him and the fact that I used to email him and tell him I loved him. Apparently I'm not allowed to have ever loved anyone before. I'm getting really sick of this. I feel like there is a witch hunt and no matter what I do or say I am guilty. He finds the smallest thing and makes it into a huge argument. I am literally pulling out my hair I am so stressed over this. As of yesterday he has gone so far as to log into my messages and sync backup thing for my phone so he can read every single text I've had to that number (as far back as they keep them on file) and to track my location using Samsung "find my phone" thing in my Samsung account. Enough is enough to me. I changed all my passwords and blocked him from being able to reset any of them and he is PISSED. Again saying that if I don't have anything to hide their shouldn't be an issue. But to me its not about having anything to hide its about being able to breathe without feeling like another attack is going to come at me for something that happened before I even met him. Its that I get yelled at for having male clients text me specs of their homes and I'm just trying to do my job but he sees the number and then calls them secretly in the night to see who answers. How do I explain to him, with him REALLY hearing me, that I can't live like this. I don't deserve to not be trusted and I don't feel like its fair that he is doing this to me. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like he's not a good candidate for reconciliation.

Kick him to the curb and file for divorce.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I would advise taking the passwords off your stuff and giving him full access. 
I think couples should have access to each other's accounts. 
You should have his as well. 

He is clearly crossing the line but locking your stuff down will give him more reason to be paranoid. 

Once everything is open, ask him if there was an event or behaviour triggered this. 

Then ground rule- Anything that is from before you were together is off limits. 
No calling clients ever. 
If he has a question about something, he asks you. 

You'll have to meet him somewhere in the middle though with allowing him access to things.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

dupe post...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He doesn't trust you, because he cheated on you. So he thinks all people if they think like him, would cheat, too. Given the chance.

I have a friend whose husband cheated after like their first year of marriage, and they decided to work on the marriage, and your story sounds a lot of like hers. He was always suspicious and jealous after HIS affair.


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

Ugh its so annoying. It also isn't fair at all. Its weird because I don't think he is doing anything with anyone else... but its almost like he feels guilty so he wants to bring me down to his level.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Did you/can you go to marriage counselling?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think its worth staying in a marriage without trust. In this case HE cheated on you, but now HE is the one who doesn't trust you.

Some people are legitimately remorseful after cheating. He isn't. He is trying to find evidence to say that what he did was OK since you were doing it too. But you weren't. 

I'll place good odds that he is cheating again - and that is what is making him so suspicious and desperate to find something on you. 

This is very much NOT OK. I recommend getting out of this. He is at best a very obnoxious person, and his behavior is so extreme that he may be something worse.

Under no conditions give him your passwords.


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I would advise taking the passwords off your stuff and giving him full access.
> I think couples should have access to each other's accounts.
> You should have his as well.
> 
> ...


When he has full access he will quite literally stay up ALL night long and well into the next day looking through anything and everything he can get his hands on. Just to find one small things that means nothing that he can use to bring up a fight. Then turn it on me asking why I'm so defensive as if we haven't had the same argument over and over again. Plus his delivery sucks when he wants to interrogate me about something him found. Its always in an accusatory tone and then when I get mad about that he switches it to be like "Wow, calm down, I'm not accusing you of anything." It makes me feel ****ing crazy.


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Did you/can you go to marriage counselling?



We've tried but every time we go he gets emotional and then refuses to go back.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

RebelliousRed said:


> Ugh its so annoying. It also isn't fair at all. Its weird because I don't think he is doing anything with anyone else... but its almost like he feels guilty so he wants to bring me down to his level.


Yea, it seems that way. I echo Gus' advice to you, to be honest. He doesn't sound like he's husband material. I'm not emotionally invested like you are with him of course, and don't know him, but he is starting to sound emotionally abusive. 

Marriage isn't a prison, and he isn't your warden.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If you gave him access and he drove himself even more paranoid than I don't think there's anything you can do to fix this. It's on him. It's good to check now and then, it's not healthy to become obsessive like that. 

If he won't see a counsellor and stay even when it gets emotional then leaving is probably your best choice


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

RebelliousRed said:


> Ugh its so annoying. It also isn't fair at all. Its weird because I don't think he is doing anything with anyone else... but its almost like he feels guilty so he wants to bring me down to his level.


You have identified his thought process perfectly. He might not even be fully conscious that he's doing this.

Here's the message:
You cheated 
I didn't 
If you're serious about reconciliation, you're going to have to own up to that. Only one of us has cause to be suspicious of the other and it ain't you. If you try to minimize your guilt by expecting that I'm doing what you did, this isn't going to work.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This concerns me. It goes considerably beyond normal (bad) suspicion and into obsession. 

Its always difficult to really get a picture of what is going on from a post, but that picture that I have of this is not good. He sounds potentially dangerous.



RebelliousRed said:


> When he has full access he will quite literally stay up ALL night long and well into the next day looking through anything and everything he can get his hands on. Just to find one small things that means nothing that he can use to bring up a fight. Then turn it on me asking why I'm so defensive as if we haven't had the same argument over and over again. Plus his delivery sucks when he wants to interrogate me about something him found. Its always in an accusatory tone and then when I get mad about that he switches it to be like "Wow, calm down, I'm not accusing you of anything." It makes me feel ****ing crazy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I don't believe in privacy in marriage. DH and I use electronic devices and accounts interchangeably. That said, this is nuts. He's got some mental health issues. There is nothing normal about his obsessive behavior. He needs professional help and if he refuses to get that help there is nothing you can do but accept this insanity or end the marriage.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Sounds like this marriage should have stayed done. Do you have access to all of his accounts? 

Your husband seems to be searching for a way to catch you at something. Maybe he is looking to for a way to end the marriage but does not have the guts to tell you.

He is looking for ways to.make you the bad guy when things blowup.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Clearly, you can't reconcile with someone who can't establish reasonable limits to what he views. The transparency I agree with. 

He's looking for something to nail you with, which has me thinking that he has done something less than stellar but if the focus is on you, you'll never have the time or energy to find out.

Do you have access to all of his accounts?

I really think you should divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Current social accounts and email are OK to share! Work email is not!

If you're stupid enough in using work email to carry on an affair with somebody, then you could well get canned by your employer!

As is, only those that are current are fair game! And that includes his as well as yours!

IMHO, he sounds beyond insecure, if you ask me! Someone of that stature is not who I'd want to have a marital relationship with! 

Just saying!*


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I can only add to what has already been posted, this man is unsuitable in his demands from you, if you could meet them he will only come back at you with more insane demands, i think this reconciliation will not work until he calms down and accepts responsibility for his actions and can move on without being paranoid about you and your past. It seems to me that his paranoia comes from the thoughts he has about you dating after the split, some reassurance from you might help but he has to accept responsibility for this and try to move on.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

I do not have access to all his accounts. I have access to our phone bill where I can see the logs but not any really info. Any time previously I've looked at his phone he only keeps texts or internet history for maybe a week before deleting. He has said that if I wanted to see his phone I could see it because he doesn't have anything to hide. But, I'm not really interested in seeing his phone because honestly I just don't care enough. If I really thought he was cheating (again) then I would be worried but honestly we both are either at home or at work. When he cheated before it was with a co-worker but while they were all out at a bar. He knows he is not going to any bar without me at this point so I don't feel like there is anything to worry about. No weird call logs or text logs. 

I do agree that he is trying to find something on me. But I'm not fully sure its because he wants to end the marriage. I can't figure out what it is that is making him so... obsessive about it. Especially since we went out to a movie the other night and were supposed to get dinner after but he started his 1000000000 questions about anything and everything in my account he doesn't 100% understand and so I told him I wanted to go home and that I refuse to participate anymore with his delusions. That if he can't trust me we have no purpose being together. At that point he broke down and started crying and said something along the lines of "was this your plan the whole time? To make me love you more than I ever have before just so you can leave? Is that how you get back at me?" 

So... I don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm living in a soap opera.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

"Do not take your guilt out on me. I took you back for a clean start and you do not get to treat me like a suspect" 

What kinds of things was he getting emotional about in therapy? 

He needs to go back and stay.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think he wants to end the marriage. I think he wants to find something on you to hold over your head and to excuse his own cheating. He is so obsessive about this that I bet he is still cheating. He figures that if he finds something on you, you won't be able to complain when you discover what he is doing.

Its easy to cheat at work if you want to.



RebelliousRed said:


> I do not have access to all his accounts. I have access to our phone bill where I can see the logs but not any really info. Any time previously I've looked at his phone he only keeps texts or internet history for maybe a week before deleting. He has said that if I wanted to see his phone I could see it because he doesn't have anything to hide. But, I'm not really interested in seeing his phone because honestly I just don't care enough. If I really thought he was cheating (again) then I would be worried but honestly we both are either at home or at work. When he cheated before it was with a co-worker but while they were all out at a bar. He knows he is not going to any bar without me at this point so I don't feel like there is anything to worry about. No weird call logs or text logs.
> 
> I do agree that he is trying to find something on me. But I'm not fully sure its because he wants to end the marriage. I can't figure out what it is that is making him so... obsessive about it. Especially since we went out to a movie the other night and were supposed to get dinner after but he started his 1000000000 questions about anything and everything in my account he doesn't 100% understand and so I told him I wanted to go home and that I refuse to participate anymore with his delusions. That if he can't trust me we have no purpose being together. At that point he broke down and started crying and said something along the lines of "was this your plan the whole time? To make me love you more than I ever have before just so you can leave? Is that how you get back at me?"
> 
> So... I don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm living in a soap opera.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

RebelliousRed said:


> I do not have access to all his accounts. I have access to our phone bill where I can see the logs but not any really info. Any time previously I've looked at his phone he only keeps texts or internet history for maybe a week before deleting. He has said that if I wanted to see his phone I could see it because he doesn't have anything to hide. But, I'm not really interested in seeing his phone because honestly I just don't care enough. If I really thought he was cheating (again) then I would be worried but honestly we both are either at home or at work. When he cheated before it was with a co-worker but while they were all out at a bar. He knows he is not going to any bar without me at this point so I don't feel like there is anything to worry about. No weird call logs or text logs.
> 
> I do agree that he is trying to find something on me. But I'm not fully sure its because he wants to end the marriage. I can't figure out what it is that is making him so... obsessive about it. Especially since we went out to a movie the other night and were supposed to get dinner after but he started his 1000000000 questions about anything and everything in my account he doesn't 100% understand and so I told him I wanted to go home and that I refuse to participate anymore with his delusions. That if he can't trust me we have no purpose being together. At that point he broke down and started crying and said something along the lines of "was this your plan the whole time? To make me love you more than I ever have before just so you can leave? Is that how you get back at me?"
> 
> So... I don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm living in a soap opera.


He's likely acting like this (for the reasons I said a few posts up) and because the relationship isn't balanced, he sees you as better than him now and that causes him guilt and shame. Too bad, he cheated, that's part of what happens. That's not your fault he cheated, that's his fault, but he wants to level the ground so to speak, it seems, to make it look like ah see?? You are no better than me!

I'd be pretty plain about it though ''you cheated, not me, and if you continue this, we need to decide if we can stay together.'' And mean it. I don't believe in ultimatums, etc, but this guy is bringing way too much stress and drama into your lives, and it's all because HE CHEATED. :|


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

Its just exhausting. Things will be perfectly fine between the two of us and then just randomly he will start with his crap and then it turns into a huge fight. It's literally the only thing we fight about. If he would just stop we could have peace. Or at least that's how I feel.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

RebelliousRed said:


> Its just exhausting. Things will be perfectly fine between the two of us and then just randomly he will start with his crap and then it turns into a huge fight. It's literally the only thing we fight about. If he would just stop we could have peace. Or at least that's how I feel.


Just keep telling him that.  I feel for ya.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

The obsessiveness and paranoia may just come out in another form if this specific one stops. 

He needs therapy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RebelliousRed said:


> At that point he broke down and started crying and said something along the lines of "was this your plan the whole time? To make me love you more than I ever have before just so you can leave? Is that how you get back at me?"


You do realize this is just manipulation, right? He behaves badly, then he cries, and you stop calling him out on his bad behavior. 

Also, men who love women don't behave like this. He sounds so immature, insecure, and manipulative that I am not sure he is capable of love as understood by most adults.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

RebelliousRed said:


> At that point he broke down and started crying and said something along the lines of "was this your plan the whole time? To make me love you more than I ever have before just so you can leave? Is that how you get back at me?".


So not only is this fool a paranoid douche bag, but he's a drama queen on top of it.

The only thing this emotionally stunted miscreant was missing during his latest cry-fest was the clown makeup running down his face during his tear-wrenching Oscar-winning performance about how you've made him luuuuuve you "more than ever" just so you can leave him, and all that other nonsense he spewed. I honestly don't know HOW you keep from laughing at this foolish little drama queen.

How many *more *rounds do you need to go with this fool before you finally realize what a colossal waste of your time he truly is?


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

I know I'm waiting my time. It's still hard. I love the person he used to be. I don't know this person that he is anymore. But I'm trying to figure my finances out and am hoping to move out soon. I don't deserve to live like this. I did nothing wrong. Its like every single day there has to be something he attacks me about. Last night we were watching a movie, all was calm, he goes to the restroom and when he comes out he basically tells me he figured out what Snapchat is used for. I tell him its used for many reasons but that I personally only use it for the filters because I like them and so do our daughters. He tells me that I'm lying at that I use to with my other married girlfriends to talk **** about our husbands and they cant see it because it deletes after 24 hours. Then when I was like um... if I wanted to talk poorly about you to my girlfriends I'd do it through normal text. Anyways turned into this huge argument. I'd just like one night of peace. Just one.


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

opps


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

My now EXH used to do the same thing. He was relentless. Glad I'm divorced 😀


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Funny story since I can laugh about it now. Ex would do these drive bys. If I was going grocery shopping he would show up to see if I was really there etc etc.

So one day I'm at the laundromat because our dryer broke. I'm having small talk with this guy. Next thing you know my ex comes barging in and says HA I caught you and who the hell are you to this guy. The guy says excuse me I don't know WTF you're talking about but my wife is right outside there smoking a cigarette. 

I was so embarrassed. Now I think back and and say what an idiot he was.

And I didn't do a damn thing to make him like this. Just him trying to find something anything on me.


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

musiclover said:


> Funny story since I can laugh about it now. Ex would do these drive bys. If I was going grocery shopping he would show up to see if I was really there etc etc.
> 
> So one day I'm at the laundromat because our dryer broke. I'm having small talk with this guy. Next thing you know my ex comes barging in and says HA I caught you and who the hell are you to this guy. The guy says excuse me I don't know WTF you're talking about but my wife is right outside there smoking a cigarette.
> 
> ...


That actually makes me feel a little better. I feel like I'm living in this alternate universe where he thinks this behavior is ok. It is not okay. But its the reality I live and the only one who can change it is me.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I handle my emotions well and enjoy working things out logically. When my wife divorced me because she was "not happy anymore," one of the things that shocked me about it was that we never fought. 

When I mentioned this to people, most informed me that it was odd. They would say that couples neeed a good fight every now and then because it let each other know where each stood, and it was just not normal to never have a heated argument on occasion. 

I never really agreed with that, but it's what people told me.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

He sounds like he's in the middle of some kind of breakdown. If there was nothing that could have triggered this bizarre behavior then the trigger is in his head. This is just so bizarre. He really needs to talk to someone.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You ABSOLUTELY should have access to his phone and any account he has. Email, Facebook, phone, phone apps... all of it. Next time he starts in on you about this, demand he give you all his info and watch his reaction. See if he gives you everything he asks for. Time for a little tit-for-tat... I know you arent interested but get into his stuff and root around. I bet he wont like it, even though HE is the cheat. 

I think you are wise to end this. He is projecting in a very unhealthy way, and is abusing your gift of reconciliation.


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