# Am I CRAZY?



## njphillyguy (Oct 13, 2009)

I am going to throw this out there. I are fairly certain on everyone replies but maybe I am wrong.

Basically, my story is my wife had what our counselor considered to be a boderline emotional affair with a person she worked with. Basically, she destroyed the trust in our relationship with lies and deception with this friend. As we have gone through the process of repairing our marriage, I eventually spoke to this man who she is friends with. I asked him some very direct questions and I am satisfied with his replies. My wife has been honest with me for a good block of time and is very sorry and sincere over her actions. I also do believe her and am regaining trust in her. 

The bottom line is I have not asked her to break her friendship 100% with this person. I have only asked for the following: 
1. We discuss any face to face meetings with this person prior to it happening.
2. No situations where alcohol would be involved.
3. Allow me access to cell records so that I may monitor the amount of contact.

She has agreed 100% and has followed through.

My question is am I setting myself up for failure? We had a fire in the house and are we still playing with matches? I see all of the replies that indicate YOU MUST BREAK IT OFF 100% and it is all I read elsewhere so I guess I am either crazy or I don't know what? I don't know. In the end, I feel ok about the situation but some part of me is nervous. 

Anyone hear of a situation like this that actually worked or should I have some conversations this weekend?


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I don't think you're crazy. I think everyone's situation is different. It seems like you have set up some good boundaries and if your wife is willing and complying fully, then?

I know, most will say it has to be 100% cut off. I mean, my H has 100% cut off his ties but his was an EA/PA. However, our situation is unique in that the OW was a good friend of mine. SO, at some point in time I know that we will have contact again, etc. Again, with boundaries and restrictions, per se. 

You say you are okay with the situation so if this is something you are comfortable with than I think that's your choice. It sounds like you and your wife are doing a good job on rebuilding your marriage and your trust. I think you just need to continue to make sure your bond with your wife is very strong and you two are both fulfilling each others needs, therefore no need for the OP. 

You mention you are also nervous which I can completely understand. However, is alot of it because of what others are telling you or what you've read and that's the only cause of your nervousness? If that's the case, only you and your wife now your situation - it's not for others to judge. I know most people probably think I am crazy because I am beginning to have some contact (emails) with the OW. But again, our situation is unique to us and I am doing what's right for ME. 

Good luck to you. Keep the lines of communication open, for sure. Just curious, what did you MC say in regards to how you're approaching this?


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## njphillyguy (Oct 13, 2009)

Thank you for your thoughts Mommy2. Our MC has been fairly stout for some time regarding severing contact with this person...BUT... Our last session he did say it is our choice and as long as we can live within the agreements then it is our choice and he will support us. 

I think we kind of rocked him a little bit because it seemed unusual to him that during this time of difficulty, I had taken the time to work with my wife on coming to an agreement rather than demanding. He offered that it may have great benefits if the agreement holds and really take pressure off both partners and promote faster healing of our relationship.

Honestly, I share blame in all of this because of my behaviour and we lost touch and communication. We both have changed a lot and my wife has asked me to believe in her and I am committed to doing that. She is willing to cut it off completely, if that is what I need, but if I am working to trust and believe in my wife. IMO, that will not be achieved with me trying to control. We will see how it goes.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

You're the one that has to be comfortable with it and believe. If you do, then ok.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

only thing i can add is many marriages have gone threw this and have come out better as a team then when it happened.

i do like how we always question ourself... am i crazy is there something wrong with me and what did i do wrong or what could i have done differently.

there are so many questions that will never be answered but you set the rules and no your not setting yourself up for failure your setting your self up for reality.

reality is what we fight for if you loved her and see the chance to learn and be better than fight for it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Why is it so necessary to have this guy in your marriage that you are willing to risk it? Will either of you die if he is gone? Will time and space as we know it end? What makes him so important that you need to find ways to keep him around? 

Is it because if he does NOT stay around, your wife will leave you?


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## njphillyguy (Oct 13, 2009)

This is why I think I am crazy. I have asked myself these questions and these are the answers.



> Why is it so necessary to have this guy in your marriage that you are willing to risk it?


It is not necessary. It is a clear risk. It is something that my wife has not really asked for per se, rather something I offered in an attempt see if we could work together. She has indicated she would like to remain friends with him. 



> Will either of you die if he is gone? Will time and space as we know it end?


No & No.



> What makes him so important that you need to find ways to keep him around? Is it because if he does NOT stay around, your wife will leave you?


I do not believe she would leave. I believe she would cut it off if I asked.


All the answers are clear and the only thing I can think of is why risk it? My answer to that is I guess I really want to believe in her and I want to show her that I do. The only problem is does she believe in herself? I just don't know. I am confused.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

First .. you're from philly area... so yea you're by default nuts.

Im sure as you already see, you get plenty saying she should not have this friend. I dunno. I personally have had female friends that have been IMMENSELY valuable to my perspective on things and actually helpe me quite a bit though marriage.

I'll say a couple things. Just "throw them out"

If there is something really missing in your marriage for her, she will be susceptible, to any outside "person" who shows sympathy for her and meets that "need". While this particular person may be especialy risky, simply keeping her away from people is not really an answer.

If you guys are really working and you feel that she is putting her heart into it? Then I would try to ask what is it about him, what need does he fill, what could you be doing differently.
I always used to tell my now ex-wife, don't fixate yourself so much on the friend,, think about the need, the "why". Im one to always want to keep digging deeper into the bottom. Treat illness not symptom you know?

Its a risk you are going to take. She should at minimum understand EVERYTHING that taking that risk means to you.

Openess and honesty are the ultimate keys.

alot and nothing.. its still up to you.
Friends not necessarily bad, one that she already got too close to? an added risk.
Hope she gets to the point where she cares that it makes you nervous and YOU are there for her in a way that makes her let go of him naturally. to me that should be goal.


all the best..
sorry about philly joke but i have my "reasons" hahaha


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> First .. you're from philly area... so yea you're by default nuts.


LOL!!!

On a more serious note:



> All the answers are clear and the only thing I can think of is why risk it? My answer to that is I guess I really want to believe in her and I want to show her that I do. The only problem is does she believe in herself? I just don't know. I am confused.


There's an issue here though. You say you want to believe in her, and show her you do...but you also write:



> 1. We discuss any face to face meetings with this person prior to it happening.
> 2. No situations where alcohol would be involved.
> 3. Allow me access to cell records so that I may monitor the amount of contact.


This clearly shows you have some doubts. The way you have things set up, you have pretty much enlisted yourself as permanent policeman for the rest of your marriage: you need to police where and how she meets with this guy, and also check up on her phone. How is that believing in her?

Without this man in the mix, would your wife not be freed of all this?

There are reasons why marriage coaches encourage 0% contact. As long as that other person is in the mix, there is always the possibility that the other person will be filling needs that you should be filling. Eventually this will become more noticeable. That other person will always remind your spouse of 'what they cold have had' - or 'what they had,' etc.

Here's an article that, while it does not exactly fit your situation, shows the purpose of 'no contact'.

You would do your marriage a world of good by talking to your wife, telling her this is not working - that you tried it, but it hurts too much. If she does love you, she'd be glad to cut this off.


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## njphillyguy (Oct 13, 2009)

No offense on the philly comments...I can understand it...LOL

Alright, so i had the conversation last night. I asked her to end it and she really had no real issues with doing it. I guess it more me than her. She was actually happy to do it as it closes this chapter in marriage and opens a fresh brighter chapter. I am very relieved.

Thanks to you folks for your advice and support.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Good for you both! Excellent!


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