# Living a Lie



## starshine

I am so tired of pretending that my marriage isn't the failure that it actually is. My husband and I were together for 4 1/2 years before we got married (July 09). I have no idea why we got married. It was this fairy tale idea that marriage would make our relationship stronger and better. It hasn't.

5 months after we met, I got pregnant. Our son will be 4 in May. He is my world, but I barely get to see him. I am a senior at a university working on my last two semesters. I have an enormous amount of stress from school because I have to keep my grades high in order to get my tuition paid for graduate school (which I will start this upcoming fall). I also work part-time.

My husband does not work. He does not go to school either. We are extremely poor. I don't mean like "we might not make the mortgage this month" poor- I mean like "we gotta pawn our television to feed our kid poor". And my husband won't work. Everytime he gets a job, he quits within a week.

There is one valid reason that he has trouble finding a job- we don't have child care. Our son goes to HeadStart but that is only from 8am til 3pm. After that, we have nobody to watch our kid (and I am always at school or work or deeply involved in homework). We have no family that will help us out with babysitting (maybe once a month), and even if my husband did work, it would take at least 50% of his income to pay for childcare, and the other half gets taken for child support (for his son from his first marriage). I can sincerely understand why he doesn't want to work. This child support is sent to a woman (his ex-wife) he does not and has not lived with their child since the divorce 6 years ago. She gets his money (or my money when he isn't working, so yea usually my money) and spends it on drugs. We reported her for fraud but her father is a "well-respected" member of the community so we still have to pay this money to her (although, as I mentioned, she doesn't live with or pay for anything that involves her child).

I guess, the worst part of all this....I don't think it matters that he won't work...going to school would honestly be the best thing for him at this point- the hours work with our kid's school schedule. He is smart and capable enough to be going. And our income is low enough that he would get enough financial aid to go to school and neither of us would have to work. We could both focus on school. But he won't do that. 

So he stays at home with our son, lets my baby boy play video games all day long (from which he has developed the most god-awful attention span on the planety), and drinks beer. Thank god he doesn't get drunk and become abusive, but it's the laziness that kills me. I still do about 75% of the housework. I get up with our son 6 out of 7 days a week. I have learned how to live on 4 hours of sleep per night, and sometimes I get home from class and my husband is still sleeping at 2pm.

Mostly, it is unfairness. I feel taken advantage of. I honestly think he's depressed and needs help. He is also an alcoholic (drinking beer every day all day even if you don't get plastered is still alcoholism in my book) who refuses treatment.

I just want him to be happy. He pretends that sitting around, drinking beer, playing video games with our preschooler, and occassionally working at a job for a week is making him happy, but it obviously isn't.

We are rarely intimate. We are both under 30 and are intimate, at most, once a month.

What do I do to get my husband out of his rut? I honestly love him more than anyone on Earth (with the exception of our child). I am in love with him. I didn't want children until I met him. I guess my concern is less about divorce (because I don't ever want to leave him) and more about how do I get him to truly realize that he needs help?

I am tired of screaming at him to get out of bed, tired of telling him that he is selfish- because I don't really believe those things. I think he is clinically depressed and in denial.

Ugh, sorry for the novel...and on my first post. Any imput would be greatly appreciated.


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## nikon

When did this "living a lie" feeling start? Did you have your doubts before the marriage? 

It seems to me like you've been through a lot for two young people under 30. He's got 2 kids, been married twice, you both didn't finish school... You are probably living a life a bit beyond your age, and in his case - maturity. He is a young father of two, sleeping in bed all day, doing nothing... while you are struggling to get the food on the table. He is definitely not coping well with his life - and yes, I think he needs help - regarding his drinking, lack of ambition, energy, motivation... I can understand how a situation like this can affect a young man who obviously never really had a life of his own. He married too young in the first case and I think marrying again wasn't a good idea. I don't know why people think that marriage makes anything easier - it makes everything harder because you promise each other to stick around no matter what. Which leads to feeling trapped and stuck. Have you ever sat down with him and discussed your options? Have you discussed going back to school with him? I think you need to change this asap or you will find yourself depressed as well. You guys need to sit down like two adults and discuss your options - he needs to show some maturity and stand up to his problems, instead of ignoring them. Men don't like to talk about their feelings (most men) - they store them deep inside... and they silently suffer. You need to get him to talk, to trust you, to tell you what he needs and wants... and you need to find a compromise that will work for both of you. Try and get him out, do an outdoor activity, get him away from the tv! This is your secret mission, don't be obvious about it. Clean air can clear the head, watching tv all day is seriously a clear path to becoming phlegmatic, careless and depressed. 

I think you've been lying to yourself when you married him. You should've known that if your relationship wasn't strong before the marriage, it won't be stronger after it. Nothing magical happens after you put on the rings - often it makes everything worse. You should do something before things get worse. Get him out of his routine somehow and explain to him that this situation is not working for you and you need to make compromises. Make him talk. And if all else fails - try and get some professional help. To conclude - love is never enough. Marriage is a serious decision, a serious life-long commitment to care for each other... You need to remind him that he needs to contribute more - you both need to make some plans for the future. Maybe getting married was an easy way out for him: a wife that will support him, another child support he won't have to pay (if he's married)... or maybe he just doesn't have a clue what he's doing... maybe he's too young to deal with two wives and two kids... and all his responsibilities as a family man. He probably wants a life of his own, have some fun... etc. My husband will be 30 next month and he is so immature - and I think he would have a mental breakdown if he found himself in your husband's shoes. Maybe he's just not ready for this adult life yet.


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## turnera

Why do you accept this behavior? Think what you'll be teaching your child.


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## JCwilms132

Your husband is a loser, and you need to stop enabling him to drag you and your child down. Hubby won't change because he doesn't have to change- he's got you to leech off of, and the beer to wash away what little sense of guilt that crosses into his tiny brain. Of course you are overwhelmed, and feel trapped - you are. Hang in there - you are smart, and industrious- qualities that can lead you to personal success, if you don't let yourself be dragged down. You need to recognize that you and your child deserve better than what this loser is giving you. Set limits on your husband now, or continue to be taken advantage of by him for ever. If you can't set limits, then bide your time until you can unload him on some other sucker. Love and marriage are no excuse to be a door mat, especially when a child is involved and will be the long term victim of daddy dearest's selfish and irresponsible ways. And keep in mind- the kind of man that was good enough for your mom, or your best friend, or the celebrities on TV, doesn't have to be the kind of man that's good enough for you. Good luck!


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