# Obsessed with my wife's past



## simpsonlinks

My wife and i have been together for 14 years. We have been married for 7 and have 2 beautiful children and successful careers. When we first met I was troubled by my wife's sexual past. She had had only 2 boyfriends but had had a number of one-night-stands and been very sexually active. She was also rumoured to have had sex with a well known sports star. I asked her about this but she denied it and i took her word for it. Her closest female friends were also very sexually active and at the time this made me feel very inadequate and uncomfortable. I dont know why but it just did. I was no angel. I had had 3 long term partners and a few one-night-stands and probably would have had more but i either chose not to or was too focussed on partying in my younger days. Eventually these feeling began to recede and my wife and i enjoyed a very active sex life until our children came along. She has never been unfaithful and i trust her implicitly.

Recently however I have found myself dredging up the questions i used to have about her past sex life. I have found myself looking thinking constantly about the sex she had before me and visualising it. I have found myself angry that she had more sex than me before we were married. I have found myself angry that she is has been disinterested in sex in general for a few years but was very active before she was with me and enjoyed it. For example, i know she used to like sex outdoors but she has never asked me about it. She always downplays her sexual past and says it doesnt matter. But to me it does. I dont know why it does but its driving me crazy.

Please help anybody


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## tryingtobebetter

Have you looked in to CBT as a way to address unhappy thoughts?

Dwelling on troublesome things from the past (unless it is to learn lessons from them) is a recipe for unhappiness. I would advise focussing on your present life and working on making your marriage now as happy as you can.

It may not be easy but it is almost certainly the way forward.


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## torani

I agree with Tryingtodobetter,

Ask your self this....What good is coming to you or your marriage by focusing on the past?

Keep in mind, both you and your wife had a life of your own before the two of you were married... You didn't judge her sexual activity before you were married so why would you do that to her now...

Is she supposed to be sorry for the life she had before you? How would you feel if your wife now starting judging your past to the point of her getting angry with you? would that be acceptable to you? Would you also feel that your past has nothing to do with your present relationship?

Try to only focus only on the disinterest of sex issue in your marriage. DO NOT bring her or your past into it... its not relative...

have you discussed with your wife about the lack of interest in sex? Are there issues in the relationship keeping you two at a distance.. Also, does she turn you down when you try to initiate sex or does she make love when you do initiate. Can the two of you come up with a plan to bring intimacy back into the relationship?


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## Thound

Don't let your own insecurities ruin your marriage. Evidently you were the best she had. She married YOU?


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## The Cro-Magnon

Thound said:


> Don't let your own insecurities ruin your marriage. Evidently you were the best she had. She married YOU?


I get so sick of seeing people say this....


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## reggie500

simpsonlinks said:


> My wife and i have been together for 14 years. We have been married for 7 and have 2 beautiful children and successful careers. When we first met I was troubled by my wife's sexual past. She had had only 2 boyfriends but had had a number of one-night-stands and been very sexually active. She was also rumoured to have had sex with a well known sports star. I asked her about this but she denied it and i took her word for it. Her closest female friends were also very sexually active and at the time this made me feel very inadequate and uncomfortable. I dont know why but it just did. I was no angel. I had had 3 long term partners and a few one-night-stands and probably would have had more but i either chose not to or was too focussed on partying in my younger days. Eventually these feeling began to recede and my wife and i enjoyed a very active sex life until our children came along. She has never been unfaithful and i trust her implicitly.
> 
> Recently however I have found myself dredging up the questions i used to have about her past sex life. I have found myself looking thinking constantly about the sex she had before me and visualising it. I have found myself angry that she had more sex than me before we were married. I have found myself angry that she is has been disinterested in sex in general for a few years but was very active before she was with me and enjoyed it. For example, i know she used to like sex outdoors but she has never asked me about it. She always downplays her sexual past and says it doesnt matter. But to me it does. I dont know why it does but its driving me crazy.
> 
> Please help anybody


I understand and have experienced the same thing. I think what people sometimes misunderstand is that because this is an irrational thought process, it cannot simply be rationalized away. "The past is the past" and that sort of thing simply does not resonate for someone caught up in this kind of feedback loop. Personally, I'm embarrassed by my own weakness in this this regard, and I've told my wife as much. An outside observer to our marriage would think I'm insane to dwell as such, and they would certainly have a good point. My wife had relatively limited experience, and has given me the best of herself and has been an exemplary wife. However, we are somewhat mismatched in our sex drives, and in "slow" periods I often start to spin out on negative thoughts and doubt her desire for me, etc. I got myself so wound up that I just freaked out a couple of years ago and finally got into therapy, both by myself and with her. That's helped some, but has surely not fixed me. I could write for hours about the nuances of my feelings, but I just wanted to chime in and offer support and tell you that this is fairly common. It's not a very flattering personality trait, for sure, and I'm not proud to have it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

The Cro-Magnon said:


> I get so sick of seeing people say this....


Why? Because it's the truth?

I also had a rather checkered past. 

The thing is, I was younger, didn't even know the person who was to be future husband back then, and fortunately for me there was no "after effects" such as an unwanted pregnancy or and STDs. I married my H because I loved him and remained faithful to him for 28 years.

A person can't change their past. What is done is done. A person can only vow from this point forward to "go and sin no more". The OP has to move forward knowing that it is he and no other who won his bride's heart and soul.

Personally I'm sick of people who are threatened by the notion that a single person with a lot of experience behind them will somehow resort back to their single behavior once committed and married to the person they love. True, it can happen sometimes but not always. The OP know of this past and married her anyway. She (obviously) knew of her own past and decided that she loved the OP enough to commit to him and marry him, "forsaking all others". Is it is such a stretch to assume that she actually meant it? Does her word not mean anything?

Time will tell, but she does deserve the benefit of the doubt. She took vows with one man, the OP. I would have to assume that she intends to keep them, unless there is something else in this marriage that we are not aware of (like she married for money or some other motivation).


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## lifeistooshort

First, it goes without saying that it's nervy of you to be angry about her past when you have one too. If yours was limited I might understand but clearly it wasn't. Second, things change with age. Believe it or not, a lot of young women do things they don't really enjoy because they think they should and because it boosts their self esteem, and because they're afraid that if they don't they'll get dumped for someone that will. They're often not comfortable with their own bodies or sexuality yet. When they get marrIed they don't feel the need to keep doing stuff they don't want, but it's not always a personal message about their hb. Also, things change as your get older; I met my hb when he was 50, and it's been 8 years. Sex is fabulous the couple times a week we have it but should I be angry that he might have had a higher drive with someone else when he was 25 years younger? Seriously, you're going to push your wife away with your pettiness. If there's something you want then talk to her, don't just pout because in your mind she might have done x, y, or z 20
years ago with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Convection

I had to read past your itrritation but this seems to be the crux of the matter:



simpsonlinks said:


> Eventually these feeling began to recede and my wife and i enjoyed a very active sex life until our children came along.





simpsonlinks said:


> I have found myself angry that she had more sex than me before we were married. I have found myself angry that she is has been disinterested in sex in general for a few years but was very active before she was with me and enjoyed it.


How have you addressed this with her? Are you just sitting and seething? Or have you let her know - through action and words - that you are unsatisfied and started taking active steps to correct it?

How is your relationship in general? Do you think she still loves you? Does demonstrate respect? Does she show non-sexual affection (hugs, kisses, etc.)? How is her health? Is she generally happy with her life?

If all these things are good and you haven't addressed the issue, do it. If you let your mind torment you, it's won't help. One, it's passive-aggressive, because you will eventually erupt on her or sabotage her in other ways. Two, beating yourself up over her history is pointless, and no way to live. I don't say to forget it, because I understand you when you say you can't. But don't make yourself miserable either.


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## Jellybeans

Have you considered counselling for your obsessive thoughts?

Talk to her about how you feel about your dwindled sex life.


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## Openminded

Since the past can't be changed, have you tried therapy to get over it?


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## Tall Average Guy

Convection said:


> I had to read past your itrritation but this seems to be the crux of the matter:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How have you addressed this with her? Are you just sitting and seething? Or have you let her know - through action and words - that you are unsatisfied and started taking active steps to correct it?
> 
> How is your relationship in general? Do you think she still loves you? Does demonstrate respect? Does she show non-sexual affection (hugs, kisses, etc.)? How is her health? Is she generally happy with her life?
> 
> If all these things are good and you haven't addressed the issue, do it. If you let your mind torment you, it's won't help. One, it's passive-aggressive, because you will eventually erupt on her or sabotage her in other ways. Two, beating yourself up over her history is pointless, and no way to live. I don't say to forget it, because I understand you when you say you can't. But don't make yourself miserable either.


I think this is spot on. In a nutshell, my guess is that you are wondering why she could so freely have sex with all of those other guys (who presumably meant little) yet not want to have sex with you. Does that sound right?


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## Caribbean Man

reggie500 said:


> I understand and have experienced the same thing. * I think what people sometimes misunderstand is that because this is an irrational thought process, it cannot simply be rationalized away. "The past is the past" and that sort of thing simply does not resonate for someone caught up in this kind of feedback loop. *


:iagree:
THIS^^^ as well as what Convection posted.
People should be a lot more sensitive in their responses to these types of issues.

First of all the OP married his wife KNOWING of her past. It never really affected him that negatively UNTIL after childbearing and the sex between them decreased and stopped.

The issue may not be the wife's past, but the decreasing of sex between them triggering his obsessive, negative thoughts.

I believe this can be fixed if BOTH partners work on it and some therapy might be necessary.


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## Mavash.

Your anger over a diminished sex life is what is fueling these thoughts. Being upset over her past is safer than being upset about the present.


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## Caribbean Man

Mavash. said:


> Your anger over a diminished sex life is what is fueling these thoughts. Being upset over her past is safer than being upset about the present.


:iagree:


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## treyvion

What the poster is saying is why was she so open sexually before him "out door sex", "hot one night stands", etc. When now, even though he has sex it is duty sex only and no swinging off the chandeliers.

I'd be kinda mad too if the lady who i'm in a relationship could do all these things before me with someone else, and other people


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## lifeistooshort

treyvion said:


> What the poster is saying is why was she so open sexually before him "out door sex", "hot one night stands", etc. When now, even though he has sex it is duty sex only and no swinging off the chandeliers.
> 
> I'd be kinda mad too if the lady who i'm in a relationship could do all these things before me with someone else, and other people



Does he know this for a fact or does he imagine she did all these things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

It sounds like the crux of the issue is that your wife put passion and effort into these other men and had wild sex adventures back in the day, but now you are getting duty sex, and the old I'm tired, can we get this done a quickly and get to sleep sex.

You feel that perhaps she doesn't value you as much as she did those other men because she gave them passion, even the ONS, and she doesn't put that effort into you or your marriage.


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## survivorwife

Mavash. said:


> Your anger over a diminished sex life is what is fueling these thoughts. Being upset over her past is safer than being upset about the present.


:iagree:


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## treyvion

Shaggy said:


> It sounds like the crux of the issue is that your wife put passion and effort into these other men and had wild sex adventures back in the day, but now you are getting duty sex, and the old I'm tired, can we get this done a quickly and get to sleep sex.
> 
> You feel that perhaps she doesn't value you as much as she did those other men because she gave them passion, even the ONS, and she doesn't put that effort into you or your marriage.


That's what the "actions" would say to someone.


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## Hicks

You are in the negative thought cycle.

Your wife is becoming uninterested in sex with you. You feel betrayed. You become upset. You focus on her past. Your insecurities start driving you to act unattractively. When you act unattractively, yuour wife becomes less insterested in sex with you. Repeat this cycle continuously.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? We don't know!

But in order to have a sexual marriage and a happy marriage you have to break this cycle.


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## treyvion

Hicks said:


> You are in the negative thought cycle.
> 
> Your wife is becoming uninterested in sex with you. You feel betrayed. You become upset. You focus on her past. Your insecurities start driving you to act unattractively. When you act unattractively, yuour wife becomes less insterested in sex with you. Repeat this cycle continuously.


The energy you have when your in this mode is not desireable either. I know all about it. It's a downward and negative spiral.



Hicks said:


> Which came first, the chicken or the egg? We don't know!
> 
> But in order to have a sexual marriage and a happy marriage you have to break this cycle.


How to break the cycle? If your married you can't just go out and have sex with someone and get "annointed" with good and positive aura and get the coolness from knowing your desired and you get what you want.

How do you break this cycle when your spouse is the gatekeeper?


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## Hicks

The cycle is largely in your mind... A better cycle to think through is.

You cannot allow your wife's lack of sexual interst harm you emotionally.... You have to realize it's normal to a degree and you are in control whether to tolerate it, or demand more, or divorce her.


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## Mr Blunt

Two ideas to help you


1	Do whatever you can to help your wife become more interested in sex


2	Force yourself to STOP with your thinking about the sex she had before you. *She has never been unfaithful to you so that should help you with stopping your damaging thoughts.*

It is very common for women to slow down in the sex department after 14 years and children. It is not ideal but after 14 years and children just about nothing is ideal in most marriages. Nobody is bad it is just that age and responsibilities has a huge affect on the teens and 20s sex life.

I know you may not want to hear this but your problem is minor. Have you read some of the threads on the Infidelity forum? When a spouse starts having sex with others after you are married then you are in deep shyt!

Consider yourself lucky and then make the best of your situation


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## Thunder7

Like clockwork, every three weeks or so, this topic rears its ugly head, over and over. I'm with you, OP, I have the same basic issue. And, like most of the posters here suggest, I know it is my problem to deal with. I've been stressing about this since about December and have yet to say anything because I know it would be totally unfair to my wife. It's my cross to bear, not hers.


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## Vega

simpsonlinks said:


> Recently however I have found myself dredging up the questions i used to have about her past sex life. I have found myself looking thinking constantly about the sex she had before me and visualising it. I have found myself angry that she had more sex than me before we were married. *I have found myself angry that she is has been disinterested in sex in general for a few years *but was very active before she was with me and enjoyed it. For example, i know she used to like sex outdoors but she has never asked me about it. She always downplays her sexual past and says it doesnt matter. But to me it does. I dont know why it does but its driving me crazy.
> 
> Please help anybody


What I’ve bolded is your problem. She’s been ‘disinterested’ in sex for several years, and you resent this. As a way to feed your resentment, you’re finding other things to be resentful about. The fact that she had “more” sex than you before you…the fact that she’s disinterested in sex with you for several years…the fact that she had sex outdoors with someone else, but not YOU… you're lumping together into one big ball of RESENTMENT.

Please remember that in your wife's "wild days", she did NOT have 2 children and a husband. Her life was completely different, and it is terribly unfair of you to compare what 'was' with what 'is'. 

Yes, you're not having as much sex these days. I can tell that you probably haven't approached her to TALK to her about it in a mature way (without yelling, quizzing, shouting, accusing, blaming or dredging up the past, etc.). But one thing is for certain: At SOME point, you're going to either HAVE to bring it up, or...separate. I'm rooting for the former. Maybe some IC for you FIRST, is in order...?

I also agree that it makes no RATIONAL sense for you to have had a 'colored' past, yet you're jealous of your WIFE'S colored past. That kind of thinking smacks of an ego that's out of control. If you're thinking that way (and getting angry because of your irrational thinking) then it's time for you to control your ego instead of letting your ego control _you_. 

Just as a sidebar: I find it almost humorous that a man can wonder "Why won't she do...with ME, but she did 'it' with HIM"? while a woman thinks, "If HE did 'that' with HER (...or 'them') , then *I* NEVER want to do 'that' with HIM!" 

Vega


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