# The way forward to a new life



## Zulu

An hour ago, my wife said the nicest sentences to me, that I have heard in a long time. 

I am sorry for the hurt I have caused, sorry for the things I have done. Will you be able to forgive me.

Will you be willing, after all that I have done to you... will you be willing to move into a new future together with me as your wife, and will you be my husband again. Will you accept me back into your life with all my faults and shortcomings. 

Will you be willing to take me back as your wife.

So...... what should I say??????


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## anx

Yes, lets get into MC, but I need you to be 100% committed. It will take us awhile to get fully back into it and there will be a lot of hurt ahead. I'm committed to putting in the work to get past it and you you too as well.


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## Zulu

Well, went round to her last tonight and made supper and it was nice, but just somehow I seem to be missing something... maybe I have some expectations of something or whatever, or just in a state of shock and need to get used to it or what ever, I feel like she has not done enough... am I wrong....

Almost feels like she has achieved something and is going get away with hurting me and now all is OK again from her point of view, and I am left hanging....

Seems these are some things that need to happen to make me feel better... is this fair to ask the things below... just feeling a bit empty.

1. Full disclosure including the details the betrayed spouse wants/needs to know
2. Amends through loving actions
3. No contact with the affair partner
4. Personal transparency - access to email, passwords, etc.

I have this knot in my gut and do not know if I was expecting something to be different or what.... just do not know... Know it is kind of early days , so to speak, but was expecting something more....almost like I did all the work and she is getting the reward..... am I wrong to expect something... from her, don't know what, but just seems somehow that there should be more..... HELP..


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## Powerbane

It is fair to ask this of her. 

You both really need to be in counseling with a good marriage counselor. One that is pro-marriage and pro-family. 

It's going to take some time to heal form this. 

You will need to learn to meet her needs that she was missing that caused her to look elsewhere and have her affairs. I'm not excusing her behavior. It was not your fault she had the affair. It was hers. 

You need to reset the ground rules for a new relationship together. You're bot very different people now. The old marriage is dead. 

Now is the time to build something new and exciting and fulfilling for you both. 

Good luck and God Bless you both. Have strength and love Zulu. She has come back to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zulu

I will try and make comments here as the days go by, so that it can be a true reflection of what is going on in my life.

So it has been a year... and she wants to come back, so what happened to all the things that she said when she left. In recent conversations she has said that it was a mistake to leave... it was better at hom than alone. 

Well today was a new day... I wondered why I am feeling a bit flat... I was expecting some kind of high... more from her that never came, expected her to come closer, but nothing.... so I wait, apparently it is a long road, one that I have never been on before so will just have to find out as I go along.

She did text me today to say that she slept better last night and slept well, and is relieved... will have to see, no further contact today.... why do I have this empty feeling in me, still obviously cannot trust her... well that is how I am thinking... but that may change in the future... will have to see.

Will have to see what today brings, I still have a whole house to pack up and be out of by the end of the month. Will be a painfull expirience and I will know that I have lost lot of money, but will the future be able to make up for what I have lost.

these are my thoughts and my fears, and also an interactive journal of the start of a reconciliation process, I realise that nothing will be happening over night, but kind of just expected something bigger from her, but suppose her inviting me to come live back with her is a big thing already and must be happy with it....

OK, so the saga will continue....


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## Zulu

Ok, next bit....

Tonight... she called this evening and said "what am I doing for supper".... well, I said, my oldes son is sleeping out and she will need to collect our youngest, because it is one of his nights by her. She asked if she could bring her laundry over to be washed at the house because it will save money, as I have a maid that comes in 3x per week to do the laundry. Said it is fine. She came and made supper and dropped her laundry off. We ate, Me, her and my 10 year old. Then I went and sat on the patio and she came and sat by me from 19:00 till 22:00 and we spoke about things.... reminded her that she needs to come clean with me etc etc etc. We actually chatted like we had never chatted before(this chatting has been going now for days) and well she sat opposite me and she put her feet up on my knee and I gave her a foot massage and kissed her... a few times... and well she was responsive nad kissed back. 

She was crying at one stage and said it will be so sad to see the house go. I reminded her that we will take many many happy memories with us... and never focused on the negative saying BAD time as well.... but anyway, we have a way to go but it is looking better.

We still need to have the confession session and be done with it so that we can move on.

She spoke about her friend that is also divorced and has been having so much hassles dating... that guys just prey on vunerable woman etc etc etc... this in my opinion was the friend that sold her the fantasy about how cool it is to be single. My wife will be 45 on the 17th of April and as is traditional in our family, we have a BBQ, so just sounded her out and she said it sounds like a good idea and she would really like to have it, as 2 weeks later we will be moving out of the house....

Any way, she did come up to me and hug and hold me and said that right now, from HER side, she is struggling to "give' and I must please be patient, although she does not withdraw or pull away from my advances. 

Don't know if this is good or bad, but believe you me, it is NICE.... so, on we go, on and on, and seems that she is so nervous of things, I told her that I am as well, that till she has come clean, I will have some suspicion as to her intentions etc, and will be nervous and will need lots of affirmation from her, as well as her opening up and coming to me as well, and not just me making the "moves".

We spoke about the daily grind, all the domestic irritaions and told her that the boys are now bigger and more independant and those irritations will be much less and she must not see them as everlasting, she agreed and well... 

Let us see where we are going, but right here, right now, it looks like it is going in a good direction... someone told me that she will come back and she will love you more and stronger than ever before.... so hope the opinions expressed in another thread do not come true.... that once a cheater, always a cheater and that she will do it again... I really believe this was a MLC and the she has discovered that the grass is MUCH greener in the field she came out of... and the green grass on the other side was just a fantasy, and illusion created by the fog she found herself in.

OK, till tomorrow....


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## Zulu

OK, new day.

I am still highly insecure and unsure and have all kinds of emotions flowing at the moment. Texted her this morning and she replied that I amust have a great day as well. Just still suspicious... and wondering what is going on in her head, should maybe chill and just wait and see what happens. This phase is harder than the previous one if I have to ay.

I must say it is really so nice that we are talking and being with each other, in each other's company, and I have been really missing having that, conversations that take place between 2 people that have a real connection, a history and have shared so much in the past, really want this to go the distance and realise that I have a huge ammount of work to do on myself to get myself into a position that I trust her again fully and will not wonder, I want to get there, and wonder if she wants to as well..


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## anx

If you are not yet in MC or don't want to wait until then, pick up a book on reconciliation, and there are a ton of faith based books on it as well. 

Trust, uncertainty, forgiveness, and other emotions all make reconciliation not as easy as you might think. They all work against the process. The sooner you are aware of it and understand the reasons, effects, and how to get past them the better.

I've been thinking about this a lot in my own story. Forgiveness and trust aren't something you give because they other person has earned it. 

Anyways, I've been reading a lot on the subject recently and living through it as well.

Also, I think I remember you saying you were religious, and these are pretty central topics for religion.


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## Niceguy13

comforting sir I hope in a few months to be where you are.


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## vivea

Zulu...scary huh?! 
5 months separated and H. and I moving back in together in 3 weeks...i'm so nervous. In our case no affair (not that I know of) BUT so much pain ...and trust has been broken.
I also felt the same,i needed more from him when he asked me if I want to try again with him. Was a bit relieved but just for the day and than uncertainty set in ... We have not seen each other and connection is lost...only friendly phone calls about kids,work,cars...nothing about us...I'm not looking forward to that actually... He wants to do this marriage Boot camp,based on Dr.Phil...We had a mutual friends that attended and they said it did wonders for them. We'll see.
Keep writing ,I'm very interested of how things are going with you.Thanks for sharing!


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## Intruder

Just spent some time reading all your posts, a few questions for you.

What was the point you think your wife started to "defog"?

I never was really able to tell how you got along during the seperation. Was it indifferent, hostile or somewhere in between?

Thanks.

I hope it all works out for you, and everyone.


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## Zulu

Well, a week since I updated.... well... ok. so here it is, she confessed all and asked me if I would be prepared to take her back as my wife. Would I be able to forgive her...

She realised that what she is losing is so much and wants to be part of the family again and live as a family....

BUT.... here is the thing, I am very sceptical of her, I was moving along, going on with my life and well, trying my best to forget about her. Our relationship during the separation was pretty much logistics around the children only and we never spoke much for a year.

I am suspicious, she wants to just waltz in and be my wife again.... I said, hey wait a minute.... I am not so 100% sure that I want to take you back, what are you bringing to the table, you pretty much need to convince me that I must take you back... hell, you are 45 next week, why should I? I could get a much younger and prettier model than you, who would be prepared to make me a priority in her life, who would send me a text message to say hello, be prepared to give blow jobs and not wear underwear and make me coffee and the rest... you have been round now, and you pretty much walked in and said.... I am not really wanting sex, don't expect a blow job, I am still needing my space etc... sorry sweetie, it doesn't work like that, I am not going to make sex slave out of you, but realisticly, you have seen that the world out there is not so great.... here at home there is safety and security, there are people that care about you.... how do I know that in 6 months time when you are all happy at home etc, you will not go off and have an affair.... what are you doing to convince me that I can trust you, what are you doing to convince me that I should still want to have you as my wife.... Wife comes with implications and expectations.... you want to have all the good trappings of family etc, but then you must be coming back for ME, not the family, they will be gone in a few years and where does that leave me.

I never really thought that I would be able to say that to her and she was suprised, people are telling me that I am being to hard on her, no way, she took my marriage, ripped it apart and then dumped it in the mud, WHY should I take her back, she is going to have to make a pretty good case for wanting to be back.... no easy rides here.... show me why you want back in, make me believe that you want back in, convince me that it will be a good decision to forgive you and take you forward as my wife or else I am not interested in you at all.

I have discovered that there is life out there and being a decent guy there are ladies who would give me all the things I want and be happy to be with me and me with them, why should I choose you.... you have an advantage in that you know I love you still and you think you can just take over, not anymore, you came looking for me where you left me a year ago, but sorry to say, I have moved away from that spot and you better bring your A team to the game, and not some 2nd string dirt trackers....

So, was I to hard on her.... flame away.


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## vivea

Gosh Zulu I so want to say this to my H. BUT he didn't come back begging ,he said "I'm willing to try and will give 100% ...are you prepared to give 110%"....that was his pitch line :/
I took it, he left me BUT not for another woman, we were not apart for too long ....I had my faults in this whole thing...I had to take whatever he offered and hope for the best.
At least he wants to do MC,I'm sure i'll be able to say a lot on these sessions. He actually wants to do marriage bootcamp in August,I hear they are pretty intense and hope we will be able to speak openly to resolve issues with our separation.

BUT in your situation I think you're absolutely right to be hard on her.


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## Gammyleg

Zulu,

Were you too hard on her??? NO WAY!!! You d' man. What you said HAD to be said and you said it PERFECTLY. No room for doubt whatsoever.

Biggest respect to you.

GL:smthumbup:


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## anx

> I am still needing my space etc... sorry sweetie,


I don't really agree with what you said.

She is looking to rebuild the SAME vows you made, and are saying that she needs to forget all of her hurt and have sex with you day 1 / bring her A game.

This sounds extremely selfish of you.

A REAL relationship recognizes both peoples feelings and values both of them. 

Your attitude towards this sounds like **** and like you want to abuse it now that you have the upper hand.


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## anx

This is bugging me so I am going to post again. You said in your previous posts that you went to church. If I'm not understanding this correctly than forgive me and ignore what I have to say.

The lords prayer
"Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil."

Forgiveness is something we are commanded to do as Christians. Its one of the most radical teaching of jesus. Search what the bible says about forgiveness. We are commanded to forgive because we were forgiven. 

Also, every christian who gets married hears the following
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a 
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fail.

Despite your wife putting your life through hell, unless she left the church or had sex with another man, the bible urges us to maintain the marriage and keep no record of wrongs.

Although you were greatly wronged, the better man forgives, asks for forgiveness for his own actions, and forges a new and better marriage.

Lastly, the golden rule.

Matthew 22:37–39 
Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'

and lastly

Philippians 2:3-5 (New International Version, ©2011)
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

If you were your wife right now, how would you like to be treated? What would it look like to value your wife's interests above your own. She didn't do it, but you have an EPIC opportunity to show her love the way god loved us. Think more prodigal son than i could have gotten a model that would have given me BJs.


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## Zulu

anx said:


> ... rejoices with the truth.... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fail.
> 
> Despite your wife putting your life through hell, unless she had sex with another man, the bible urges us to maintain the marriage and keep no record of wrongs.
> 
> Although you were greatly wronged, the better man forgives, asks for forgiveness for his own actions, and forges a new and better marriage.
> 
> If you were your wife right now, how would you like to be treated?


This is the thing, she has admitted to an affair for much of 2007, another one in 2008 into 2009, an affair in 2010 and another 2 in 2010.

I have told her, I want to forgive her, but she needs to let me have the truth, because that will be all I will be able to build on... I knew that something was up, I never ran out of the marriage and had an affair, so do resent being told that I am the wrong man here, by me wanting to forgive and reconcile and go ahead with her, is already me showing how strong I am.

I need to know that this what she has done is over, I do not want any suprises in 6 months or a year where I get a call to ask, did you know etc etc etc. She has been building up to this point now for a while, wanting back in, and now that she sees I am sort of receptive to it, she wants to just go along her merry way.

I cannot allow my self to be tortured again, I have to be strong and maintain the power base I have.... I have been lied to and CHEATED on for years now, and hopefully this is over, but I feel she needs to come 100% clean with me, or else any sort of forgiveness will be totally useless, I cannot give forgiveness when I do not know what I am forgiving.

By the way, we have not had sex yet, just so that you know, but what assurance do I have that this is not going to happen again, and if I just forgive and forget, wow, that was easy, he will just do it again if I want to go and screw around.... there has to be new respect from HER, for ME... I was on my way out, divorce papers were there to be signed, If I make the decision to actually go forward with her, what am I letting myself in for, more misery, I gave her 17 years of my life, and what did she give, very little, now is the time for her to make me believe that I will be doing the right thing in giving our marriage a second chance.... in all the time that she was away, I conducted myself like a decent person, honouring my commitment to her. I did go and meet other people, but still had a line I did not cross....

She needs to come up with the goods and deliver, I have to be tough, or else I will be the fool and she will just make a laughing stock of me.


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## Gammyleg

Zulu,

Agree totally, stick with it. She neads to EARN your trust, respect and forgiveness.


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## F-102

Zulu...I simply don't think that I could take her back. Can you guarantee that she won't do it again? No, you can't. She had THAT MANY affairs? And now she wants to just pick up where she left off?

I just get this feeling that if you take her back, things will be OK for awhile, but then, she'll get that old craving back again, and think: "Well, he forgave me and took me back before, so-why not?"


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## anx

> I was on my way out, divorce papers were there to be signed, If I make the decision to actually go forward with her, what am I letting myself in for, more misery, I gave her 17 years of my life, and what did she give, very little, now is the time for her to make me believe that I will be doing the right thing in giving our marriage a second chance.... in all the time that she was away, I conducted myself like a decent person, honouring my commitment to her. I did go and meet other people, but still had a line I did not cross....
> 
> She needs to come up with the goods and deliver, I have to be tough, or else I will be the fool and she will just make a laughing stock of me.


I think you are absolutely right in thinking like this. You don't have to give her a second change. She doesn't deserve it and its yours to freely give.

I didn't really like how you worded your other post. 


> I could get a much younger and prettier model than you, who would be prepared to make me a priority in her life, who would send me a text message to say hello, be prepared to give blow jobs and not wear underwear and make me coffee and the rest... you have been round now, and you pretty much walked in and said.... I am not really wanting sex, don't expect a blow job, I am still needing my space etc... sorry sweetie, it doesn't work like that, I am not going to make sex slave out of you, but realisticly, you have seen that the world out there is not so great.


Yes, its right to require her to be truthful, commit, etc. I don't think its right to require sex or make the comparison you did to a model that could make you coffee naked.

She won't be able to 100% step back into the relationship right away. It will take time to get past what happened. I don't know what that means or how that will work out in your relationship.

It will also take time for you to trust her again, and she will have to bring her A game.

Best of luck.


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## eagleclaw

Zulu, you did awesome. And no matter how you worded it it will never sound worse than "I had an affair" or "I had and affair in 07, 08, 09" etc. 

Everything you said is spot on. And you bet she was suprised. She saw a new you. You gained some respect. She is asking you to take one hell of a chance. She better damn well be bringin her A game to convince you it's worth the risk. 

THe part about no sex and don't expect a blowjob. Another fitness test. Her trying to keep a measure of power going back into this relationship. That's no way to restart a relationship and you need to nip this in the bud now.

If she's asking you to buck up and take a risk and let her back she should be showing you all the reasons why you might want to. I could be crude at this point but you should be exhausted turning her down right now......... I'll stop there. Good job though.


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## Zulu

OK, Update.

It is not going well in my opinion... she has not really done anything to convince me that this is a good choice.
There was sex on Sunday Morning, it was her birthday, and she said she was feeling horny and wanted it, but prior or post(well only 3 days now) nothing.... she has done oral a few times, but it is like she is not really interested and complains the whole time. She has "moved" in.... we are sleeping in the same bed, and she is at the house. We are in the process of moving out, we need to be out by the 30th of April. We are going to all move into the apartment that she has been living in for the last 6 months. It is not a massive appartment, but not a shoebox, but all she can say is that it is tooo damm small and we are going to get on each other's nerves.

Ok, here was my expectation, SHE wanted to come back... "WILL YOU BE PREPARED TO ACCEPT ME BACK AS YOUR WIFE"....

I said yes, and now she has waltzed in and is just picking up where she left off... everything going the same way, this is NOT a CONTINUATION, this is a restart... WHY should I take her as my wife, she has messed about, had affairs, crapped on my marriage and humiliated me, and now I must just roll over and accept that she is still in control and can do as she pleases.

The money from the house that gets paid out, the difference of the mortgage and the selling price is 400 000 rand, a substantial ammount here in South Africa. Is about $60 000. So we will have to split it 50/50. But if we were still in a happy loving marriage, there will be no issue, just go into one account and we would probably put it down on another house or something like that, maybe kill some debt and well just go on. But now it becomes complicated, she wants to be back in the marriage, but still wants the 50/50. I said, well, you are doing very little to MAKE me believe that you actually want back in, I think it is just about the money and then you are going to get your money and then run. So I said, put all the money in my account, as a sign that I can trust you, because I DO NOT trust you right now, all you are giving me is words, and we know that your words mean very little, unless they are backed up by actions.

I would have thought she would be jumping through hoops to make me believe that I have made a good choice to take her back, doing whatever it is I like, just make him believe....MAKE HIM BELIEVE, wear something sexy, tell him you are not wearing any underwear, buy him a slab of chocolate, do WHATEVER.

This may seem like sexual favours, it IS, she broke into the core of my MANLYNESS, and to make me believe that she is serious, she will have to repair that core. She said ONCE that she is sorry, NOT ONCE said thank you for giving us another chance, thank you for considering to forgive me, thank you for being such a great guy to even consider taking me back, here, how a bout a BJ, how about a quickie, I am so sorry, you are such a great guy, you have a great bod, what was I thinking, I am so much happier here at home, I feel so safe, thank you for all the thins that you do, please please please stay strong and have the belief in me.... 

She has not said I love you, this I realised while I was out there, I actually really still love you and that is why I am comming back, please believe me....

Her father called me yesterday and said she is going to see a psychiatrist, and I must please bepatient with her etc etc etc , after he gave me so much ****, now I must again be the doormat and just ablige to all the crap she wants to dish out.

MMMM i think there is a turd in the drinking water here.

Will post more as I think about it.


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## eagleclaw

Your way of thinking is bang on. For one, I can guarantee you when she was fracking someone else or blowing someone else she wasn't complaining the whole time or putting in a half assed effort. I would bump back on these things right now, right off the start. Because you do NOT want more of what you had. You know where that path ends.

Forget what the father in law said/says - he is looking out for his daughter as he should. But at this point you should be looking out for you. And getting out of thie relationship what you need.

Heres a few quick suggestions that I think would be a great idea:

1) Keep your finances seperate and give her her half of the money. You want to know she is there for you, not the money. You also want to project that you are not completely back in marriage mode either - keep your options open and keep her wondering for now. Don't make it too easy to go back to how it was. Your giving her no reason, and no anxiety to improve and work at the situation.

2) Be a different lover. Be more dominant and more aggressive. There is much written on this site about it and more at Married Man Sex Life - Show her different sides of you.

3) Don't expect her to give you handouts or initiate constantly. Most women just don't do this. You run the sex dept. You just do. The point is she should be following your lead and participating enthusiastically. The minute she starts complaining or just "letting" you do her rather than participating in creating a passionate "joint" atmosphere then STOP. Go do something else. Don't accept bad/lazy intimacy. Get up and leave. If/when she questions you calmly inform her that if she is not going to participate with any passion or enthusiasm your not interested. Tell her you know what passionate normal relations are like, and the world has much more to offer if she is not intersted. Don't expand on that. She'll probably assume you may have other options from the seperation.

Bottom line. Right now is best/only time to set terms on this new relationship. Do not accept any behaviour you don't want to see for the rest of your life.


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## Zulu

Well, here I am am, 10 days down the line, we have now moved out of our house, the new people are already in, and we are all together in the appartment. I'm still not convinced by her actions. She is not showing any remorse.

She wants me just to forget about the last 2 years and move on, I CANNOT with out her showing remorse, with out her showing any thankful ness for me agreeing to take her back, how can I forgive her if she is not sorry for wht she has done.

She did say LAST night that she is embarressed for ehat she has done, I said I am disgusted by hat she did and she will need to show some remorse, or else I will be disrespecting myself by just accepting her back and let us forget what happened... 

We had sex on Sunday... ok.... she was as quiet as a church mouse, and complaining, she had given me oral, but complains etc etc etc... anything she does for me is with complaint.

I have told her that I do not believe a word she says. How can I, she has lied and deceived me so much, she has to back her words up with actions, just really haveing a heavy time of it, how can I believe her... she lied sooooo much in the past.


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## marksaysay

Go get the book "Surviving an Affair". It will help you understand what you're feeling and it will also give you a plan to rekindle what was once there between you and your wife. You need a PLAN.


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## Zulu

Ok, so time for an update... like I said, she is depressed, according to a psychiatrist.... but here is the deal, she has little confidence in her self, she is losing her contract and will be out of work at the end of May, will possibly be starting a new contract in June.... anyway, she says she is just in such a bad space and cannot even focus on her work properly and let alone focus on our relationship, trying to get it back together...

I have been reall supportive of her now, not making any physical demands, have not had so much as a hand job in 2 weeks... well I am not convinced that she is actually depressed over the work or our relationship issues.... I think there is still someone in the wings, although she denies this, I will not be made a fool of twice... there is just nothing coming from her side, no affirmation, no re assurance, that this is a good decision on my part, to want to take her back. I think this is purely a safety net for her financial security. She knows that while we are living together again now, she can now carry on as before and use the "depression" as a reason for her non physical with me... she is getting all her needs met, so why be depressed... just cannot understand.

She has not ONCE said so much as thanks for having us back together, thank you for all your hard work at home, getting the boys at school, dropping them at school, doing the shopping, making the food, just seeing that the house is running smoothly. NOTHING.... and this is freaking me out, she is using the job as her big excuse that she cannot give anything now.... really this woman is jerking me around.... and when the job is secure she will just continue ****ing around.

Is this kind of normal behaviour, I was under the impression that a wayward spouse that gets "allowed" back into the relationship so to speak, would be jumping through hoops to make the agrieved spouse feel comfortable etc... 

Am I wrong here.


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## anx

You need to build her up as much as you can. I recently found out how big of a deal this was in my marriage. 

Get her into IC and try to be patient. 

You still have biblical grounds for divorce, but I think it would be much better to restore your marriage. 

You are wrong about her jumping through hoops. Think much more protigal son, but when he comes back he is going through serious medical depression. 

This probably very much lead to the issues you had before in your marriage, and they still haven't been fixed. Without confidence in herself, the marriage will only die. You need to work diligently to fix that. IC, MC, a book might help "building your mate's self esteem", encouragement, support, respect, validation of who she is. 

Doing that after what she did to you and your marriage will take a tone of sacrificial love.

I prayed for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding, and had a sort of revelation. 

I cannot stress how big of a deal depression and self confidence is in your marriage. If she doesn't love herself, love for you and a workable marriage isn't possible.

Best of luck and god bless.


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## Indy Nial

Zulu, I've read your story and totally and completley understand all your reservations but I think you're confusing sex with intamacy.

Husband and wife should be about bonding both emotionally and physically. All you seem to be interested in is blow jobs, no underwear and sexual favours. This is your WIFE, not a hooker there to perform sexually at your command.

By all means explore the sexual side of the relationship but maybe the reason she kept going elsewhere was because of your attitude towards sex with her.


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## the guy

Ya, she should be jumping through hoops. I mean there should be a sense of joy.
Think about it...why be depressed "I'm back with the man I love" or "thank God he took me back". 
Theres nothing there she's....blank, IDK If I was a major screw up and we managed to work it out , I'd be pretty freaking happy.

Even if my job sucked I'd still be pretty happy that my personal life was coming together....you know?


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## Gammyleg

Sorry to say Zulu but I agree with 'The Guy'. Your W should be showing you positive signs but she is not. She does not seem anyway committed to re establishing a relationship with you.

You made a brief comment about suspecting someone else in the wings. Your gut is telling you something here and you should not ignore it. Maybe some more detective work is needed.

I have read all your posts from day one, both this thread and your previous one and although your M seemed doomed I was really pleased when things picked up. But since then I fear that you have let your heart rule your head and deep down I believe that you are unsure whether you have made the right choice.
As hard as it is to say, I don't think you have.

I don't want to write off your reconcilliation just yet, but I think that you maybe rushed into getting back living together just a bit too soon.

Gammy


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## marksaysay

Zulu said:


> Is this kind of normal behaviour, I was under the impression that a wayward spouse that gets "allowed" back into the relationship so to speak, would be jumping through hoops to make the agrieved spouse feel comfortable etc...
> 
> Am I wrong here.


According to Dr. Harley, from marriagebuilders.com, most waywards go through a period of withdrawal when contact is ended with the other person. It's like they have been taken off of the drug they were so addicted to and now have to suffer a little while 'til they have physically and mentally gotten over it. It's normal. 

He also says that until this depression/withdrawal passes, not much you do will be of use. You just have to wait it out, usually about 2 weeks or so. 

With that said, what are you planning on doing to restore the relationship? What measures have you devised to prevent contact with the other man or other men in the future? What are you doing to insure that the trust that was lost can be rebuilt? Did she send a no contact letter? Did she change cell #? Did she change job if they worked together? Do you have her email, facebook passwords, etc.? 

What are your plans to start meeting her emotional needs that most likely went unmet prior to the affair? (Not that you are the blame. She made the choice to cheat.) Have you gotten the book "Surviving An Affair" yet. It will really help you. I highly recommend it. It will give you a plan. You need a plan. 

Don't just think that once she does express remorse, that things will just turn around by themselves. There are things that you both need to do to insure a full recovery and a great marriage moving forward. Don't go into your reconciliation blind.


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## F-102

I don't know, Zulu. It sounds like she is using you as a safe port until the whole storm is over, then she'll go sailing again.


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## 2xloser

F-102 said:


> I don't know, Zulu. It sounds like she is using you as a safe port until the whole storm is over, then she'll go sailing again.


:iagree: Sorry, 100% what I think too, as I read through the posts. She knows you're there as a crutch while she figures out her next move. Nothing indicates it's where she REALLY wants to be... it's just convenient, and there's financial gain to being there. Not saying that to be harsh... sounds to me like you know it, deep down, but with her there it's also convenient for you too...


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## ilou

Definitely sounds like something's up. You could be a financial cushion. Maybe she's complaining that she has to do this with you until she is financial recuperated.


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## jameskimp

This woman will not change. From the looks of it, she doesn't love you either. She needs a meal ticket cause she saw the grass isn't so green on the other side for a woman in her 40's. She will hurt you again and she doesn't even seem to be showing real remorse. She should be doing EVERYTHING she can to make it up to you.

Don't be jerked around for another ride.


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## naga75

the most striking words you posted (IMO) earlier were:
"whats she bringing to the table"?

...doesnt sound like shes bringing ANYTHING, to me.


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## This is me

This story is very old.


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