# Over a Year later and I still have questions sometimes



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Over a year ago my husband had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. I didn't "discover" anything about the initial affair- he told me it happened. But then he proceeded to lie to me about having contact with the other woman for the next several months. He also started having flirtatious, inappropriate discussions with a woman at work who has been flirting with him for years. He lied to me about all that too.

I finally did "discover" all these things and then the fighting really started and my trust was completely shattered. I felt like I could get past the initial affair because at least he came forward, but I really struggled, probably still do, to get past the lying. 

We are in a much better place. I do believe things have changed, his behavior is different, he tries harder, etc. And I truly believe he is committed to our marriage. But I also thought all those things before. So maybe that's why there is this nagging part of my brain that doesn't believe him? I don't distrust him, I just don't completely trust him. And there are still times when things pop up that I want to know about the affair- about the months of lying when he had contact with her. Questions that I never asked or never got answers to. 

At this point, I haven't brought them up. I'm not sure they would do any good. It would only make both of us dwell on the affair more, when I really want it far behind us and I really don't want to give either of us any reason to think of those skanky women for any reason at all. 

Am I wrong in just leaving the questions be? Should I be asking them? I think he would answer them, but I just don't know that I want to get into those discussions again . . . but I hate that I still have those thoughts & questions. I hate that this woman still works her way into my thoughts at times. I hate that she has any place in my life- hasn't she ruined it enough already?


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Did you guys go through marital counselling at all? If not, maybe it would be helpful. 

I would say this though. My wife cheated on me, and yes I understand that there are questions that come up ... we are, like you, in a much better place, in fact we are doing great, and yes there are still questions that come up at times. 

Here is how I personally feel ... affairs yes cause tremendous damage to a marraige. They also cause "baggage" that will be carried by both parties forever. Obviously the cheater will have to live with the guilt/shame of the issue. I think that our part of the burden (if we want to heal) is to have some unanswered questions. 

That doesn't mean we can't ask questions or don't deserve answers. I don't mean that. However, if we want to heal and get better, then I think that there is a point that is reached where we have to say "ok from here on I'm going to let it lie, because continuing to dwell on it and bring it up is only going to bring back up those old hurts and cause festering in the relationship". 

Personally when these things come up I make myself focus on the positives in our relationship now, and I don't allow myself to dwell on those questions. It's not easy, but I do recomend you try to get to that place.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 
I know that this kind of situation is really tough on the betrayed spouse, it makes us doubt everything we used to believe in.
I don't think we will ever trust totally again, it's just the way it should be and probably a good thing, maybe we trusted to much prior...
I try to just push the thoughts and questions out of my mind by replacing the thoughts with a positive action from my husband since we have been healing.
You are only a year out, I think this takes a lot longer than we think. My therapist said his word won't mean much to you any longer that I will now have to make my decisions based on his actions......He told me I will see if my husband is on the right page by his actions.......
If you want some answers to the questions tell you husband how you feel and that you need/want to know some of the facts.......tell him it will be a one time thing that it's just nagging at you and then you will put it to rest.....
He should understand.........you said it though yourself, don't let your past take anymore of your present or future.
Keep working at it to be happy........


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## sandyb5 (Apr 20, 2010)

What if he doesnt. I am almost two years out of the affair that almost caused me to take my own life. Thank God I failed but there are days that I can barely breath if hurts so bad. This was the third of three relationships he has had in our six years together but this was the only one that lasted more than a month. The other two were a one night thing and the other a four week co-worker thing but this last one was with the girl I have considered my best friend since I was 15 and she just all of a sudden took interest in my husband and he liked the rush of something forbiden he says. So here I sit in a six year relationship with five small children and a husband who feels like he said he was sorry what more do I want. Can anyone help?


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

sandyb5 said:


> What if he doesnt. I am almost two years out of the affair that almost caused me to take my own life. Thank God I failed but there are days that I can barely breath if hurts so bad.


I would say then that it definately seems as though the underlying issues in your marriage have still not been addressed. There are definately issues that need to be worked on between the two of you. 



> This was the third of three relationships he has had in our six years together


At any point after any of these affairs did you two seek counselling or get help of any sort in your marriage? 



> So here I sit in a six year relationship with five small children and a husband who feels like he said he was sorry what more do I want. Can anyone help?


I come back again to say that you guys definately seem to need help. Now on the one hand, you can not keep bringing up the past, it will destroy your future. In one respect your husband is right in that. There is a point where we have to shelve our hurts from the past and say "the burden I have to bear to make this marriage better is that there are going to be moments of unanswered questions and/or bad feelings and I need to control and shelve those so that we can move forward". 

However, that being said, it sounds as though there are underlying issues in your marriage that have never been addressed, and I am guessing that you guys have never really sought help. I think you need some. If he is continually having affairs on you then there is something wrong inside of him, and there may be areas in your own life that you need to look at to change. He also needs to grow up, acknowledge his childish and morally wrong and inexcusable actions and make the commitment to change himself. If he has never expressed remorse or regret, then he needs to. 

Again, all of this is something that could or should be worked out with the help of a counsellor and/or pastor. However, seeking help is not going to work unless you are both commited to working on the relationship, and to the openess and honesty and change in yourselves that can be very scarry to commit to do.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I still don't know everything. My H is a liar - he confessed he will probably always lie to avoid conflict with me - or anyone - and that it's "who he is." Ugly ugly ugly. 

The people he had affairs with are still on this planet and their last communication with my H was him - in a very non confrontational way - saying the "well gee, gosh, my W found out so, ya know" - but NEVER saying to them that his relationship with them was wrong - or that he regretted it. They are out there today with the notion that he might still be in it if it weren't for ya know, The Wife. 

I'm 18 months out. Its still there. More so when he travels. Its just part of my "current" marriage. 

I was actually at a party and a tacky but very funny guy introduced me to his "current wife." Maybe I'll adopt that phrase... Because again. If George Clooney or equivalent decides they are madly in love with me, well gee, my H introduced the fact that we might just not be married forever, so...

I'm in a really weird frame of mind tonight. Ignore, appreciate, enjoy.


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