# Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place



## HappyMarriagedDreamer (Apr 8, 2010)

I am so glad I have found this forum as I a a very quiet person with few friends I can open up to.

Sorry this is long but I feel quite desperate and the situation seems so complex. I would love some advice based on a fuller 
view of the picture.

I have been married for almost 9 years now. We have two children, one being a step child to my husband. He is the greatest dad to them both and for that I am grateful for.

But in the last year he had changed towards me. He was for most of the time what I called a dream husband. If I told other women what he was like they were envious. But al that has changed now. He says he loves me and does not want the relationship to end but to do that I must live under very difficault circumstances and as it now stands - his new rules. 

As a family we have now been living in a house that is a renovation nightmare and has been for 3 years. There is no money to continue and it is beyond what any woman could cope with long term.

My husband refuses to sell it and says that to be with him I must live there the rest of my life as we plod along and slowly do it up. To make matters worse he works away so is only there 1 week out of each month. So he is not contending with this problem 24/7 as I am and it also puts me in the position of having almost two separate lives, certainly two shedules to juggle. With him home very little he can not get much work done to the property so renovating it is snail pace at best.

As a couple we have no connection anymore as all I have to talk about is the house. It effects every area of my life. Nobody wants to visit me, I can't get my mind focused on my business and I am what I feel to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

I feel I am a lot to blame for how the situtation is right now as I have wanted too much too soon but I don't know how to endure living there any longer. I admit that I can't do it anymore and want to move on from it. I have come up with so many plans of solution but he says no to every one of them. Knowing that he is being stubborn on this makes feel like I cannot get out of bed anymore. A lot of times I just wish I would die. He does not believe me when I say that and so does not take it seriously.

My mind says I have to leave for my health and sanity but my heart wants to keep us together as a family. As I said he is a great dad and does have some elements of being a great husband. 

But he has told me that he is willing to risk our marriage over his decision not to sell and that it has nothing to do with not loving me. He just does not want to move anymore. I see his point of view as we have moved a lot in the attempt to get ahead and finally own a property and now I don't know whether I am being unreasonable not to stick it out through the suffering, basically shut up and put up with it, or if he is being unreasonable not caring about my mental and emotional state.

You see it was my decision to purchase this property and we both still love the land for which we bought it for. If we had the money to bring it all together how we wanted to there would not be any problems. But I never expected it to take this long to make the house even comfortable let alone nice. Through circumstanced we have had two family members move into the house and basically they fled the place emotionally scarred for the same reasons I cannot stand it. As those two people were from my family he thinks it is just our "mental" deposition.

On top of it all I suffer very severe migraines and this stress is making them so regular and unbearable I cant stand it anymore.

I do love my husband but based on how he treats me I am not sure if that is based on memories and my eternal nature of dreaming for better things to come instead of pure love how it is suppose to be.

He is fiercely independant so has always made it clear I am not his everything. It would not be the end of the world if I left or died tomorrow for him. But I wonder how far can that new age self love and self care go before it damages the feeling of initimacy in a relationship where you want to feel loved, needed and wanted. I am so mixed up after living with it for so long to know what normal is. I feel guilty for longing for him to see me as someone to cherish and someone he could make special because I am most important person in the world to him. I know there are boundries of we should love ourselves first, but where do they begin and end. I am sure you get what I am trying to say - I hope.

Another subject is we talk on the phone and the topics are always the same. He is very quiet by nature but it frustrates me how he is silent on the other end of the phone. In response to my annoyance he says that he feels that he doesn't need to make a comment or respond. Is there anyone else who would enjoy being married to man that is away most of the time and who does not make conversation or respond to what you say when you finally get to speak.

I would love to turn the topic to something more positive but I am struggling to just function at the moment. Again am I to blame? I just feel it is plain rude to not converse back and forth and he makes me feel unimportant that he cannot make the effort to respond to most of what I say.

I know only I can make up my mind on what to do but I am so confused as to whether I am being too irrational. Should I just appreciate I have a roof over my head and a good father to my kids and stop looking for light at the end of the tunnel. My depression is coming from not seeing happiness with either of the choices of staying or leaving so I get so confused.

I don't know how to erase the history in a relationship so there is no more blame for past decisions/behaviours etc, without leaving and starting with somebody new. I see that he is punishing me for being the more ambitious one to get us ahead, which at times meant he had to get outside his comfort zone to keep up with me. He says that it is too hard to erase his reactions to me because my behaviours are the same as the past. He is not ambitious at all and has never had depression so does not understand it. A lot of my depression comes from not attaining a lot of the dreams I have.

However all I have ever wanted as a foundation for life is a happy family and a happy home but it seems my dreams for how that was suppose to look is doing the direct opposite. 

I am seeing a phycologist now as he forced me to do so but even she is at a loss as to what to suggest. It is hard when the lack of money limits the options also.

A trial separation is also not an option. He has already said once I walk out the door it closes behind me for good and I can believe him. He sees this as not being mean to me but rather taking a stand for his own life. Hence the pressure to really be sure before I could ever make that decision.

Thanks so much for sticking with me and reading this. I feel it is an impossible situation because I am stuck in it. Maybe someone objective would have pearls of wisdom that could turn this situation around. I would be most grateful.


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## Jenna (Apr 7, 2010)

I wish I had pearls of wisdom to give you, but I don't. 

I suggest you both see a therapist together and try to get to the root of both of your concerns. Why is he being so stubborn about selling? Why is he unwilling to discuss options or even listen to your concerns? Is this an issue of control? Is he punishing you for your ambitions and exerting control in the only area he can?

And a therapist can help you get to the root of your unhappiness? Why are you so unhappy in your home? Can minor changes be made that will offer comfort? 

A therapist could also illuminate your unhappiness to your husband. Maybe if he really understood, he would react differently.

It sounds as if there are many issues here and communication seems to be the biggest. 

Good luck to you.


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## HappyMarriagedDreamer (Apr 8, 2010)

You are right it is all about communication and the lack of it.

We will go and see a therapist but with him working away so much I see it being slow progress as with anything else in our lives.

I guess he is exerting his control in those matters that he can. The thing is I see things from his point of view but he just does not see things from mine. I am still there because I can see it like that. I feel sorry for him working so hard. I know he is tired. I see it as a product of the situation we are in and try to make allowances for it. But he sees my state as nothing more than a product of my own chemical imbalances and makes me feel like I am not strong enough mentally or that I have a mental condition. I just wish he would see through my eyes for just some time.

The house is a tricky thing. The things I have done to make it as comfortable as I can are just so far from what I would like. Straight walls with no holes, flooring over the concrete and a ceiling to cover the insulation that I look all all through the house stappled to our no cavity roof seems to be too much to ask. Something always needs to happen first before that can be fixed that we just do not have the money for. Age old renovation problem.

I guess there is no quick fix to my marriage woes.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Happy,
I feel for you. I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed and was told I have probably been depressed since I was about 5, so for roughly 30 years I fight the battle daily.

Is your home liveable? By this I mean 4 walls, roof, windows, insulation, heat/air, working appliances. The bare minimum to sustain healthy living? 

If so its time to ease up on yourself and your H. I know its hard, Im not a very patient person myself, but you cant let the stress of not having wood flooring, or top of the line carpet, get you into such a state. The migranes are getting worse because you havnt learned to just take a deep breath and let go of the non-essentials.

Communication sounds like its lacking but that may be due to the way you are coming across to your H. Maybe try this..... Next time you call him or he calls you, determine to keep the conversation short, maybe half of what time you usually spend, try to sound upbeat, DO NOT mention the house at all (unless its major, roof leaking, power off, etc) Ask him how his day was. Ask him if maybe you could plan a dinner out when he comes home, or something fun, away from the house. Make the conversation nothing but positive!!!!!! The lack of communication may be from the overwhelming negativity every time you talk. He doesnt know what to say that isnt going to throw you into another long fit about the house.

It may take time but if he knows he can call you and have a positive conversation he may look forward to the next conversation and talk more.

Small things tend to drag me down and then I drag others down by being negative, then they drag me down further with their being negative and it just goes round and round getting worse. Break that cycle! You may find that the more positive you are, the more he will respond and be positive, then the cycle is reversed and everyone becomes happier, once that happens you may find the problems less dificult to deal with and much less stressful! You also may find that you and H become closer, get along better, and can resolve alot of your issues that are not related to the house.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

What's the condition of the house that it's so bad? How was your husband so perfect before and now he's so not perfect? Was it a sudden change? Did anything else happen around the time that he started changing? Are you sure he's away just working or is there more going on at "work"? (I can't help but wonder if he's got a double life going on) What does he do during the one week that he's home per month? Are YOU working? If you're sitting around a rotting house all day long, it makes sense you are depressed. Can your husband change his job to be home more often? Would he want to?

You talk about ambition and dreams. I'm not sure I understand what has gone on in the past. Did you pressure him to buy this house? Have you been overly demanding with material/ financial things to the point where he's drained and ignoring you (sadly, at a time when there may be a real need). How are YOU contributing to the tasks that need doing getting accomplished?

Your situation sounds pretty abnormal. Living it, I see how it gets hard to know what's up and what's down and it gets hard to trust yourself even when you have an inkling that things aren't right. In a marriage, if one person feels that something is wrong, then something is wrong. Your husband sounds like he wants life how he wants it, regardless of whether you are there or not. That's a big problem.


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