# Is the grass greener on your own?



## muso85 (Apr 4, 2012)

Hi, 
I have been in deep thought about the following for the last few months, and have gained some great insights looking at other people's posts on this forum. I guess everyone's situation is a bit different (which makes like more interesting, of course!) but felt it was time to put my situation out there and see what people think. 

I have been married for just over 3 years. I am a professional musician (classical); my wife is a school teacher. I'm not at all happy with life, and am contemplating whether I should separate from my wife and 'go solo'. Our lives are a somewhat complex situation, which I'll try to describe as succinctly as I can!

Firstly, I would describe myself as a thoughtful, kind, sympathetic, quiet, intelligent, artistic person. However, I can be self-centred, too eager to please, weak and indecisive. Music and Art is 'my life' - what I enjoy doing most of all, and am apparently quite good at it. (Excessive modesty/low self-esteem is also an issue!) 

Basically, I met my wife-to-be shortly after she was victim of a series of horrible sexual assaults. They are still a cause of great pain and problems for her today, though with medication and counselling things are slowly on the improve. Probably will be with her for life though. I initially was drawn to her our of compassion, and a romance soon developed. We are both quiet people, and to this day struggle to have any lengthy conversations - communication is an issue in our marriage. 

After dating for a few years, the question of marriage came up. I wasn't completely convinced, but she said we either 'get serious' or call it off. I was weak and went with what she wanted. I now regret it: I wasn't in a hurry to get married (certainly wasn't against it though) and wanted more time before making a decision - she wanted an instant answer. I feared what would happen to her if I left, as she wasn't in a 'stable' mental position, dealing with the assault and a dysfunctional family. A while ago she confided to me that at the time, more than anything, she just wanted security in her life, thinking it would help with her recovery from the assaults. Leading up to the wedding I was questioning to myself whether we were doing the right thing, but in my usual quiet and introverted nature said nothing to anyone.

Basically our marriage has been reasonably shaky. We have almost nothing in common, and quite different outlooks on life. We are both Christians, but don't even go to the same church. I'd say we don't even make good housemates!! Her career comes first (it does earn more than me…) , and she doesn't seem very interested in what I do. For the last 2 and a bit years we have lived several hours from a capital city, while she has started her teaching profession. This has left me out of work, and I need to be away from home to do anything artistically satisfying. I am happy when I am away from home and involved in music, but restless and unhappy when I am home. I would love to see the world, live life, maybe study overseas, but she wants to stay put and 'be secure' in her job. I feel my life has been 'on hold' for the last 2 years. She would like kids - I want to live life first.

I am a pretty independent person, and wonder whether I would be better off single - able to do what I want when I want, and not tied down to, or tying down anyone else. She isn't happy either, saying I always put my music first and don't pull my weight in the relationship. I think she'd be better off with a 'stable' partner with a 'normal' job. We have been doing marriage counselling for 4-5 months, but things have only been improving slightly. I am not a strong decision maker, and don't like to hurt people. I wonder whether I'd be more hurtful 'pulling the pin' now and separating, or continuing to live a life with her that neither of us really enjoy. Or are we just not trying hard enough? 

One thing is for sure - I need to decide before any kids come along! 

Has anyone left married life to become a single again, or because of 'artistic differences'? Any advice or opinions would be appreciated. :scratchhead:


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Yes, in my situation it is light years better. I'm not sure that I will ever want to get married again.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

everyone's different but for me, absolutely

his negative energy is gone from the house, he's not draining my bank account any more, I don't have to worry about him lurching from disaster to disaster and how I'm going to have to manage it, people that know me say I'm back to how I was before I even met him

to be honest it sounds to me like you're out the door already


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I feel much more at peace now that I am not married.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

From what you described you are a mid life crisis waiting to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The day I moved out of my exes house, I could breathe again. I had opportunity. SO MUCH was on the horizon  No more eggshells to walk on. No more cleaning if I didn't feel like it. No more bad sex! I could go get GOOD SEX! :eeK:

And my money was MINE. He made TRIPLE what I made but made me pay 1/2 of the bills. UGH! 

Good riddance.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

^^^Wow...sounds like he really had you under his control.

Do you look back on it like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

X


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> ^^^Wow...sounds like he really had you under his control.
> 
> Do you look back on it like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Surely do.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It sounds like you married her because you felt sorry for her and to try to "save" her from her emotional fall-out of the sexual assaults.

That does not sound like a strong foundation for marriage. Do you have anything else keeping you together?

If not, then yes, it seems like it would be best to end things. Ultimately, you will never be happy with someone whom you never believed was right for you in the first place. She, too, deserves someone who can be into her and part of her life in a way that you cannot.


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