# Reconciling with wife of 5 years



## angus439

I'm working on reconnecting with my wife after a break down in the relationship. No one else involved.

We have been getting on fine and I have been working hard to be a good husband.

I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced their wives having a go at them and acting unreasonable to them during reconciliation.

For example, I'm currently redoing the whole garden. Building decking laying turf etc. I just had a phone call from her berating me for not doing the smallest of things. I'm confused as all my time is invested into the getting the garden finished, that's what my wife wants, but then she has a massive rant at me about silly stuff.

We have been getting on fine and reconciliation has been going well, I now feel that it's going backwards instead of forwards 

Any advice appreciated


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## Bananapeel

There's not enough info about your situation to really say much. Is this a one time event or a common occurrence? Are you sure there is no one else involved? Sometimes people get short with a spouse because they are having a bad day and the spouse is around. Other times it's due to a lack of basic respect for the other person.


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## angus439

The relationship broke down because of me not caring about myself or keeping any romance going, despite numerous warning from her I just didn't bother working hard at our marriage.

We have 2 kids aged 2 and 4. There is definaltely no infidelity, it's down to me being a lazy *******.

I had the I love you but not in love with you about 3 weeks ago, my wife said that she wants to fall back in love with me and wants to work at us.

We have been getting on since then, I have been trying to make amends with doing more around the house etc. She does say that she resents it a little as its took this long for me to do things I should have been doing long ago 

It was the first time today she was being unreasonable with me. She has been working long days this week, she does shifts and is up at 430am. I'm working opposite shifts to her at the moment. Today I've worked my ass off doing things in the garden and her phone call when she got home was picking at things I've done and not done, but the things she was moaning about were things that she also said she wasn't that bothered about yesterday.

Feel reconciliation is going backwards now


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## Grogmiester

angus439 said:


> The relationship broke down because of me not caring about myself or keeping any romance going, despite numerous warning from her I just didn't bother working hard at our marriage.
> 
> We have 2 kids aged 2 and 4. *There is definaltely no infidelity*, it's down to me being a lazy *******.
> 
> *I had the I love you but not in love with you about 3 weeks ago*, my wife said that she wants to fall back in love with me and wants to work at us.
> 
> We have been getting on since then, I have been trying to make amends with doing more around the house etc. She does say that she resents it a little as its took this long for me to do things I should have been doing long ago
> 
> It was the first time today she was being unreasonable with me. She has been working long days this week, she does shifts and is up at 430am. I'm working opposite shifts to her at the moment. Today I've worked my ass off doing things in the garden and her phone call when she got home was picking at things I've done and not done, but the things she was moaning about were things that she also said she wasn't that bothered about yesterday.
> 
> Feel reconciliation is going backwards now


Many a spouse have come here and said definitely no infidelity and they were wrong. The ILYBNILWY is a red flag you might want to investigate. Do you have access to each other's phones and passwords for various websites etc?


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## angus439

I did have, I checked and nothing. She found out I had checked and changed her passwords and said I didn't trust her


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## GusPolinski

angus439 said:


> I'm working on reconnecting with my wife after a break down in the relationship. *No one else involved.*





angus439 said:


> There is definaltely no infidelity...


I think you're going to be very surprised.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

angus439 said:


> I did have, I checked and nothing. She found out I had checked and changed her passwords and said I didn't trust her


Not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding

Curious, it sounds like the reconciliation is 100% on you, is that correct? All along she has been the perfect W and you are the one who screwed up? Just wondering if she has any accountability in making your marriage work. Not a lot of info to go by.


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## angus439

To be fair it was my fault , she used to dote on me do everything for me etc. 

I started getting depressed, drinking everyday, I chose to sleep on the couch every night for the past year, never arranged to go out , I left it to her to do. I'm surprised she's still around at all


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## bandit.45

Sounds fishy to me. The ILYBINILWY speech, her secrecy about her phone and her blowups at you could be construed as red flags. 

I think you need to do more sleuthing. Of all the techniques, a digital VAR velcroed under the front seat of her car seems to be the most successful. 

And it is not all your fault. She has to cop to her failures in the marriage too. It is rarely a one way street.


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## Marduk

The garden thing was a **** test. Which means she is just taking a run at you to see if you're strong enough to deal with it without getting pissy.

The rest?

She's just not into you, and the fact that she's hiding her passwords...

If she's not cheating on you, she's thinking about it.


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## Starstarfish

If there's not someone else, she might be a WAW at this point who just hasn't left or left yet. She told you that even though you are doing things now, she resents the fact that for years you didn't. 

So you getting on fine = / = she's not complaining. Just because she's not saying something doesn't mean everything is fine. She just might have gotten used to not saying anything for so long that she's still in a holding pattern of expressing things badly because she's gotten rather used to you not listening anyways. She might have so much resentment that it might be too late or it might be too late without counseling of some kind. 

So besides fix the garden what are the two of you doing to address the overall relationship issues?


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## JohnA

It sounds like you are finally owning your faults and are working on them. Keep your main focus on them and your kids. I suggest that in the future when this surfaces again respond "I sorry if I misunderstood what you wanted done to begin with. I know I need to be better at this. What do you think I need to do to avoid this in the future?". Talk with her daily on what needs to be done and the order, review at the end of the day and formulate a new plan of action. 

You might be helped by taking the Meyers Briggs test (both of you) and comparing notes and reading the five love languages. Also buy and read 7 habits of highly effective people. 

In one way if she is engaged in adultery it does NOT matter at this point. Put it aside for now and work on you. You can only control yourself. First fix yourself while being a better father and husband then address the adultery. Alcoholics become dry for themselves not others. Work on your issues for yourself.


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## yellerstang03

angus439 said:


> I'm working on reconnecting with my wife after a break down in the relationship. No one else involved.
> 
> We have been getting on fine and I have been working hard to be a good husband.
> 
> I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced their wives having a go at them and acting unreasonable to them during reconciliation.
> 
> For example, I'm currently redoing the whole garden. Building decking laying turf etc. I just had a phone call from her berating me for not doing the smallest of things. I'm confused as all my time is invested into the getting the garden finished, that's what my wife wants, but then she has a massive rant at me about silly stuff.
> 
> We have been getting on fine and reconciliation has been going well, I now feel that it's going backwards instead of forwards
> 
> Any advice appreciated


Actually, this a real potential opportunity to connect with her. First, whatever she is upset about, realize it probably has less to do with you than you think. Don't take her accusations personally and find out what she is really upset about. If you can get past the feeling that she is attacking you personally, you can get to the deep lying issue all while making her feel she is being heard....and THAT is what she really wants.

This is the part us men usually screw up. Women want to be heard and men take their comments too personally. We then feel the need to defend ourselves or fix the situation, neither of which makes a woman feel like she is being heard. Nothing makes a woman feel more disconnected from her partner than not feeling heard.


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## Nix

angus439 said:


> I'm working on reconnecting with my wife after a break down in the relationship. No one else involved.
> 
> We have been getting on fine and I have been working hard to be a good husband.
> 
> I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced their wives having a go at them and acting unreasonable to them during reconciliation.
> 
> For example, I'm currently redoing the whole garden. Building decking laying turf etc. I just had a phone call from her berating me for not doing the smallest of things. I'm confused as all my time is invested into the getting the garden finished, that's what my wife wants, but then she has a massive rant at me about silly stuff.
> 
> We have been getting on fine and reconciliation has been going well, I now feel that it's going backwards instead of forwards
> 
> Any advice appreciated


Your W sounds like she has anger issues at minimum. My W has these issues too, and I insisted that she deal with them or else I was walking. She did so, and I am seeing real results in our marriage. We are both much happier.

You don't mention the "breakdown" that led to the original estrangement but if it had to do with your W vomiting her bile all over you at the slightest (read: NO) provocation, then you can bet your life you've got someone on your hands with serious mental health issues that need to be addressed.

Unless you are OK with the berating, walking on eggshells, tantrums, etc (and I suspect this incident is not the first time, because these folks can't keep a lid on their anger and explode regularly), I would at minimum, let her know you won't tolerate this kind of behavior. 

Nothing you do will ever be "enough" to make her happy, because her issues have nothing to do with you. They will, however, make YOU miserable if you let them.


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## yellerstang03

Nix said:


> Your W sounds like she has anger issues at minimum. My W has these issues too, and I insisted that she deal with them or else I was walking. She did so, and I am seeing real results in our marriage. We are both much happier.
> 
> You don't mention the "breakdown" that led to the original estrangement but if it had to do with your W vomiting her bile all over you at the slightest (read: NO) provocation, then you can bet your life you've got someone on your hands with serious mental health issues that need to be addressed.
> 
> Unless you are OK with the berating, walking on eggshells, tantrums, etc (and I suspect this incident is not the first time, because these folks can't keep a lid on their anger and explode regularly), I would at minimum, let her know you won't tolerate this kind of behavior.
> 
> Nothing you do will ever be "enough" to make her happy, because her issues have nothing to do with you. They will, however, make YOU miserable if you let them.


+1 I agree.


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## Help1107

I heard the same thing from my H. ILYBNILWY. I also got the brunt of his anger. Turns out he was having an affair with a co-worker. You should investigate more. 

If she has an issue with you reading her email that's also a red flag. My H was using a wicker app on his iPhone to communicate with his OW. It deletes messages after they are read and don't show up on a cell phone bill.


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## knobcreek

Once you get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" I would say 999 times out 1000 she/he is cheating on you.


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