# how long has it been



## lost in texas (Feb 19, 2011)

I have been married to my lovely wife for 15 years in March. We have not had sex in almost 7 month. I am a father of 3, an 11 yr old and 6yr old twins. I am a high school football coach and basketball coach. My wife is a great mother and she is also a a teacher. I understand being tired and dealing with kids after school while i am not here. However, there is no drive in her and I have grown course in my frustrations. I am sick of this. It is more of like having a room mate and not a marriage. I thought I did enough around the house and gave to her emotionally, but I guess i am wrong. 

She wants to see a counselor, but I am fearful about it becoming a "bashing" on both sides. I AM TIRED. It seems I am staying around for the kids. No Sex for 7 Months is FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## lost in texas (Feb 19, 2011)

noticed a few views, but no replies. I would like to see what others think and possibly some ideas.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Lost in TX - There are lots and lots of husbands (and some wives, though not nearly as many!) who are in a sexless marriage, me included.

What to do??....well if you really want to keep your marriage going, and with three young children I'd guess you probably do, you MUST work at it...if that means going to a counsellor then do it.

Yes if might well start out as a 'bashing' from both sides but a professional counsellor sees through all of this, lets you vent your anger on each other then slowly brings you both round to reason. 
Your wife might have gone off sex for reasons (maybe medical) that you are not aware of...maybe she really hates the way you don't wash you bits before coming on to her (just some examples!)... A counsellor will act as a mediator and guide. Your wife will be told that as a male we need to be loved, we need to show our wives that we love them and because we are such thick apes (!!) the only way we can do it is by having sex (making love) to our wives. We dont want flowers, massages, new rings/necklesses etc...we want (need) physical intimacy...sex.

Have a read of the attached (hope it works!) and maybe try to get your wife to read it....it explains alot about men that even men didn't realise!
- Focus on the Family


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Yup - the link works!! Do have a read....and get your wife to read it.
If it doesnt open her eyes a bit.....you have some serious thinking to do!
Good luck!


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I agree with Jezza....I think you are probably going to have to bite the bullet and go along to counselling. It sounds like your wife is open to working through this rough patch, which is a good start for both of you - it's up to you now to take the next step and agree to go.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Start with the counselor seeing she is willing. Also a medical check up is useful here.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Have you talked to her about it? And ask her what she needs from you in order to have regular sex.

7 months does sound way too long. When my Wife and I were having issues, it never went longer then 2 weeks.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Don't fear the counselor. The counselor is your friend.

The fact is, too many men look at the idea of marriage counseling filled with dread. Why? Because we're afraid of a) being judged and b) that the counselor will automatically take his wife's side. While there are a few lame counselors out there who justify this response, in my experience counseling can be a great positive thing in your sex life. Here's why:

When it's just you and your wife, then there is no mediator. Issues from the past can come up yet again, personal attacks usually fly, digressions into unrelated issues and resentments can come up and you really can't do much about it, due to the organic nature of the argument.

With a counselor, you do have a mediator; more importantly, you have a mediator who is going to be interested in hearing your position . . . if you can plainly and clearly articulate what it is, stay on focus, and be passionate about it. Don't let male stereotyping about "real men don't whine" and "Just cowboy up and ride it out" get to you: the counselor's office is your opportunity to make just complaints about your relationship and hold your wife to account for her actions.

7 months is way too long. That's almost deployment-long. Tired or not, teacher or not, if she's gone that long you have a Serious Problem. A counselor might be just the answer.

But when you're in there, make sure that you remember to spell out these important issues:

1. Men in a relationship need, expect, and deserve a certain amount of sex.

2. Your ability to provide security for your family depends, in part, on your ability to focus on your job, and the preoccupation with your relationship is going to start impairing that, if it hasn't already.

3. You're willing to try any practical solution if it leads to a successful resolution. This effort will not fail because of your lack of commitment.

4. Your wife's continual sexual rejection of you is having profound negative effects on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. In short, it's undermining what you consider to be an otherwise worthwhile marriage. But if she's making you feel that bad about yourself through her refusal, there's a problem that WILL BE rectified, one way or another.

5. While appreciative and supportive of her efforts on the domestic front, and understanding how obviously DIFFICULT it is for her to consent to sex with her husband, this continual rejection will, in your opinion, ultimately lead to catastrophic events if left untended.


In other words, you need to threaten her security in the relationship to get her TO UNDERSTAND that this is, indeed, very important to you. If you leave that counseling session with no other progress, have the therapist help you in convincing her that THIS IS A PROBLEM THAT YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT.

The sad fact is that wives often tune out what their husbands have to say on certain matters. This shouldn't be one of them.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

go to counseling----and be honest and complete. this may be fixable but it will take effort by both of you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Your post doesn't say whether you have sat down with her and had "the talk" about your sex life.

If you have, what was her response? Did she indicate that she had no drive, wasn't interested, what?

And why, after 7 months are you NOW addressing it. At this point she's probably saying to herself "whew - guess it doesn't matter and if I say nothing, he won't either."

Talk to her FIRST and find out EXACTLY what the problem is from her point of view.

Then - suggest counselling if she is not willing to compromise or deal with the exact reason why she doesn't want to have sex anymore.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As others said, you should (a) talk to her and (b) if that fails go to counseling.

I also "feared" counseling as I thought I would be paying $250 for not just one, but two women bashing me for an hour. Turns out my wife took some bashing, too.

Be prepared for two things. First, you need to be able to recognize and accept your part in this. Your coaching duties may have become more of a priority that your wife and that's a problem.

Second, be prepared for your wife to get discouraged about counseling when she starts taking the flak. it will suddenly become "we don't need someone from the outside telling us what to do."


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

At least she wants to go to counseling. That suggests she's no happier about the loss of sex than you are. That's a great sign! Mine has had next to zero sex drive for eight years and it doesn't seem to bother her at all.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

The only problem I can find with the advice here is the assumption counselors want to mediate.

I haven't found that to be true.

In fact, I find counselors often wnat to avoid the drama of getting in the middle of the conflict.

Counselors tend to take an allopathic approach to a marital problem - diagnostic. . .they will try to diagnose you, her and the both of you and render a diagnosis.

You are passive agressive. She is I don't know. . .make up some psychobabble - avoidant, depressant, submissive aggressive or something.

And then apply a prescription for the diagnosis.

If I were to ever try counseling again, I'd opt for a wholistic approach vs. an allopathic approach, one where rather than worrying about diagnosing the problem, the both of you start working on all aspects of the marriage (see the Forum topics here - finances, spirituality, sex, parenting) and then you works towards it.

I hate to say it - but the this therapist business is a crap shoot at best and a box of chocolates.


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## Why4WhyGuy (Feb 21, 2011)

7 months....sounds nice. I have had sex with my wife maybe, and I am being generous here, maybe 5 times in the past 3 years.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why4WhyGuy? Five times in 3 years? yet, you still refer to her as "wife". Is sex something she could do if she wished or does she have severe physical limitations? If she physically is able, why isn't she? You apparently aren't happy with the frequency.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

about 20 years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Camper (Feb 26, 2011)

My wife would probable have sex with me once a week, but I'd have to be rejected several times along the way. I'm afraid to initiate and she doesn't. It's always I'm tired or I don't feel well. It's amazing how much energy she has for everything and everybody else. Also, I really hate Valentines day (LOL).

Lost in Texas, if you go to counseling, please let us know how it goes. I need to go as well. I have to figure out if I'm going to stay in this relationship. I feel so beat down.


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## cressfromhell (Nov 19, 2008)

Damn. I think this site should be browsed before getting married. I understand your frustration. I am baby in terms of age 28 and yrs married (4) but I go through the same problems. It is frustrated and we are in counseling ourselves It's funny that most problems start from a lack of sex.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Just go to the counseling. You may find out reasons that you do not expect. Be prepared for anything.

Be candid.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And of course since the advent of no fault divorce, I don't think there's any state that still supports constructive abandonment as grounds. That is, in the good old days if your spouse denied you sex it was plausible grounds for divorce. No longer, now everyone's perfect and wonderful. I wonder who thought up this change? It couldn't be the cold fish, could it?


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Runs Like Dog, you have posted before that you haven't had sex in ages. Is that really true? 
From your posts it seems as if you are numb to your feelings. Isn't that a horrible way to live?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes that is true. I suppose I am numb, in a zen way, like Buddha under the bodhi tree. But would find all that acceptable if so much as talking to her wasn't an even worse terror. I am dealing with an angry dysfunctional wife who literally spends every waking moment complaining, correcting, grumbling, muttering under her breath, scolding, moralizing.....etc. I no longer bring up the subject of separating or divorce since the last time I did (years ago) she went full on drama queen, gathered up the kids in the middle of the night, told them they couldn't live in the house, I was a danger. Then she called the cops on me. Where I live it's standard operating procedure that if the cops are called to your house you WILL BE arrested. No question, no debate, no discussion. I'd also add that many years ago my wife suffered a late term miscarriage resulting in the death of our baby and nearly her death. But for whatever reason for years after, she would tell our small children that I killed their brother. And she blamed me personally for it. 

Lack of sex is only one aspect of this. Lack of basic humanity and sanity is really the wider problem. But I would have to say at this stage of life I am pretty much ruined for any normal relationship for anyone else, so going or saying doesn't change anything. Anyway, since I spent a lot of time and money putting her through law school and she's never worked a day in her life, she's had ample time to craft a strategy of vindictive scorched earth divorce proceedings that would impoverish everyone including her. She as much as admitted that and the sense I get from her conversations with her friends is that divorce is merely a vehicle for annihilation. It's basically a cold war and we're waiting to see who dies first.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

cressfromhell said:


> It's funny that most problems start from a lack of sex.


I have to disagree. I am sure problems stem from mistreatment, lack of non-sexual intimacy, lack of communication, etc... which puts distance between partners and THEN results in lack of sex.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

And I have to disagree with the post below. Maybe half of marriages suffer from too little. The other half - suffer from far too much talking about feelings and far too little "action" showing those feelings.

When "basic" drive levels are fairly different it takes skill and commitment from both partners to make it work. And too much intimacy and/or too much verbal communication kills desire just as fast as too little. 

Men need to get a LOT better at non verbal communication if they want a sexually satisfying marriage. 




Chris Taylor said:


> I have to disagree. I am sure problems stem from mistreatment, lack of non-sexual intimacy, lack of communication, etc... which puts distance between partners and THEN results in lack of sex.


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