# Getting Back to Dating



## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

My wife and I are on the path to divorce and I'm just starting to get back into dating. Actually, since my wife and I got together in high school, this is basically my first experience with adult dating (I'm 28). 

Long story short, last night I went out with a girl I met online. We really seemed to connect online and through texts and I was excited to meet her. We ended up spending 4 hours chatting at a bar and I really enjoyed myself, and got the feeling it was mutual. Our personalities are a great match and there were almost no moments of awkward silence. 

I wasn't really nervous at all, except at the end of the night when I kissed her goodnight. Unfortunately, the fact that I got suddenly nervous sort of caught me off guard and I'm annoyed that I think the kiss was mediocre (my fault). Part of the issue is that I'm not certain I really felt a romantic spark/physical attraction. 

So, as a dating noob, I'm unsure about what to do next. I think she wants to see me again (well, assuming the meh kiss didn't change her mind) and I did have a great time with her, but I get the feeling I see her as friend material more than a potential romantic partner. Should I be honest and upfront about my feelings right now to avoid leading her on, or should I see her again to see if I feel different outside of the context of the first date experience? 

I haven't messaged her yet today to thank her for a nice evening because I want to be sure about how I feel regarding another date before I make contact.

I know this probably seems ridiculous to dating vets, and I'm sure I'm over thinking this, but any advice would be appreciated.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

motl said:


> My wife and I are on the path to divorce and I'm just starting to get back into dating. ...


Can you elaborate please?

Are you still living with your wife? 
Are you legally separated?
How long since you broke up?
What caused the breakup?
Have you filed for D?

IMO, you should wrap up any loose ends with the ex and concentrate on yourself for a while. You're on the PATH to divorce insinuates that you're still technically married.


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## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Can you elaborate please?
> 
> Are you still living with your wife?
> Are you legally separated?
> ...


1. No, she moved out in October.
2. Yes.
3. October, with a brief attempt at reconciliation around Xmas.
4. We grew apart. The last year was not great and lacked intimacy and a real emotional connection. We agreed we are no longer compatible. She may have cheated and may be with that guy now, although I have no proof, and the relationship was over before I found that out.
5. Not yet because you need to be separated for one year where I live. We are planning on filing and lying about date of separation once our house sells, so divorce should be finalized this summer.

I've made peace with what happened and have not been hung up on my wife in months. I don't think about her at all and we almost never speak. I am generally excited about what comes next (romance or otherwise) and am just trying to get out and enjoy new experiences.

My goal in meeting new women is not to find a serious relationship. I'm fine if I end up with new friends, casual dating or something short-term. If I meet someone amazing and we get serious then so be it, but I'm happy to be single for now.

I'm content with my decision to meet new people for now, and there is zero chance my wife and I will reconcile. I'm always completely upfront about my situation with the girls I've spoken to online.

I'm working on myself as well, and part of that is being more outgoing than I've been in recent years. Thus, I'm not here for advice about whether I SHOULD date, but as a dating noob advice regarding my OP would be great.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

If you are hoping for another date you should send her a cute message like "I had a great time last night. Sorry about the kiss I was so nervous because you are so beautiful." Something cheesy like that makes my heart smile . And if she messages back something nice, ask her out again. 

I think it might have been the first date nervous. I mean first adult date nerves. Doesn't hurt to try it out again just to make sure you aren't missing out on something special.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> If you are hoping for another date you should send her a cute message like "I had a great time last night. Sorry about the kiss I was so nervous because you are so beautiful." Something cheesy like that makes my heart smile . And if she messages back something nice, ask her out again.
> 
> I think it might have been the first date nervous. I mean first adult date nerves. Doesn't hurt to try it out again just to make sure you aren't missing out on something special.



This (assuming you want to pursue things with her (it kind of sounds like you don't though).

Do what you feel. Date around though, don't limit yourself to first person you meet.

Give yourself options, shop around etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My first advice is: get divorced. You are still married. 

Secondly:



motl said:


> Part of the issue is that I'm not certain I really felt a romantic spark/physical attraction.
> 
> I did have a great time with her, but I get the feeling I see her as friend material more than a potential romantic partner.


If this is true, then don't waste each others' times.

And don't lead people on. It's not nice.


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> If you are hoping for another date you should send her a cute message like "I had a great time last night. Sorry about the kiss I was so nervous because you are so beautiful." Something cheesy like that makes my heart smile . And if she messages back something nice, ask her out again.
> 
> I think it might have been the first date nervous. I mean first adult date nerves. Doesn't hurt to try it out again just to make sure you aren't missing out on something special.


A sweet note like that would be nice. But if you don't find her beautiful, you shouldn't say you do. If her looks are that much of a wall for you, I'd be honest with her upfront.

As far as her personality is concerned, its too early to tell if your a match, so I'd just continue to date her casually till you know one way or the other. I don't know why in the world people kiss on first dates... "Hey, I just met you three hours ago, how about we kiss?"


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> My first advice is: get divorced. You are still married.


 I missed above.

OP, I agree with jellybeans.

Divorce FIRST. Before you even start dating again.

Step 2 would be to make sure you are completely healed after a long term relationship (this can take 6 months to a year). 

Make sure you are completely over your ex....


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

motl said:


> 1. No, she moved out in October.
> 2. Yes.
> 3. October, with a brief attempt at reconciliation around Xmas.
> 4. We grew apart. The last year was not great and lacked intimacy and a real emotional connection. We agreed we are no longer compatible. She may have cheated and may be with that guy now, although I have no proof, and the relationship was over before I found that out.
> ...


Thanks for clearing that up...it's rather important info, IMO. I see where you are coming from, and if it's over, it's over.



Jellybeans said:


> My first advice is: get divorced. You are still married.
> 
> Secondly:
> 
> ...


:iagree:

If you don't feel it, don't waste your time or her time. So many fish in the sea. You sound fairly confident...don't worry so much about the kiss not being "perfect". After a breakup, it can be weird kissing someone else...that can be expected. 

If you want to see her again, think of something fun that you'd both enjoy and invite her to it. If she's into you, she'll want to go...if she's not into you, she'll blow you off. The second "fun-date" will confirm friend or potential lover.

Don't meet her at the bar again. Go rock climbing, drive in movie, Korean BBQ (cook yourself), etc....something interactive, fun and unique. Surprise destinations work well.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Dredd said:


> I don't know why in the world people kiss on first dates... "Hey, I just met you three hours ago, how about we kiss?"


:lol:


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## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> If you are hoping for another date you should send her a cute message like "I had a great time last night. Sorry about the kiss I was so nervous because you are so beautiful." Something cheesy like that makes my heart smile . And if she messages back something nice, ask her out again.
> 
> I think it might have been the first date nervous. I mean first adult date nerves. Doesn't hurt to try it out again just to make sure you aren't missing out on something special.


I think she was open to another date. We sort of said it without saying it, but I think she had a good time. I feel pretty confident that she'd agree to another date, but I'm worried about leading her on. She's aware of my situation though.



DoF said:


> I missed above.
> 
> OP, I agree with jellybeans.
> 
> ...


I am completely over her. When she left initially I was pretty broken up and definitely grieved. After our attempt at reconciliation failed I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. It was like my awakening to all the things that weren't right for years, most of which I'd been trying not to acknowledge after repeated discussions to improve those areas went nowhere. 

Am I ready for a full-on, ultra serious relationship? I really don't know, but I do know that I had a great time last night and don't feel like I'm carrying any baggage right now. I am over my wife - I don't miss her and I rarely even think about the regret or anger associated with what happened between us. I'm sure it's hard to believe, but I too was shocked at how quickly I accepted that things were over with her. 

Also, being married at this point is merely a formality. If there wasn't a 1 year waiting period we would already be divorced. We'd do it now even, but our house is still up for sale so we're just going to wait until it is sold and we can truly go our separate ways. 



tulsy said:


> If you don't feel it, don't waste your time or her time. So many fish in the sea. You sound fairly confident...don't worry so much about the kiss not being "perfect". After a breakup, it can be weird kissing someone else...that can be expected.
> 
> If you want to see her again, think of something fun that you'd both enjoy and invite her to it. If she's into you, she'll want to go...if she's not into you, she'll blow you off. The second "fun-date" will confirm friend or potential lover.
> 
> Don't meet her at the bar again. Go rock climbing, drive in movie, Korean BBQ (cook yourself), etc....something interactive, fun and unique. Surprise destinations work well.


Ya, I guess I'm just having trouble deciding how I feel. I didn't get that 'OMG she's so gorgeous/amazing, I'm going to think about her all night and struggle until I see her next' feeling. I really enjoyed her company, and she's definitely pretty. It's not that I find her unattractive, it's just that I didn't feel an immediate romantic attraction. I'm just debating whether it's OK to give it another date to see if that changes, or if I should just let her go now and keep meeting new people until I do have that instant 'click' attraction (mentally and physically) with someone.

Thanks for the input so far.


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

motl said:


> I think she was open to another date. We sort of said it without saying it, but I think she had a good time. I feel pretty confident that she'd agree to another date, but I'm worried about leading her on. She's aware of my situation though.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A lasting marriage isn't based upon her looks. And the "OMG I'm going to think about her all night" shouldn't be either. You should be thinking about her because of how incredible she is, not because she's hot. Compatibility and friendship is what makes marriages last, not gushy romantic feelings. They compliment the relationship, not make it, and are by far not an accurate gauge of mate worthiness.

I think you need to examine your mate criteria, and how you view dating before moving forward.


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## motl (Feb 18, 2014)

Dredd said:


> A lasting marriage isn't based upon her looks. And the "OMG I'm going to think about her all night" shouldn't be either. You should be thinking about her because of how incredible she is, not because she's hot. Compatibility and friendship is what makes marriages last, not gushy romantic feelings. They compliment the relationship, not make it, and are by far not an accurate gauge of mate worthiness.
> 
> I think you need to examine your mate criteria, and how you view dating before moving forward.


That has little to do with what I said. The difference between an amazing friend and a mate is the precense of romantic feelings, part of which is derived from physical attraction. It is not about finding the hottest girl, but there needs to be a certain level of physical attraction (in addition to emotional chemistry) to elevate to a romantic relationship.


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