# Deal with wife past



## connexion (Jan 29, 2015)

I have been married to a wonderful woman whom I love very much and. Recently I came to know about her past. Now every time it feels like I'm comparing our relationship to her past. 1) I keep wondering whether his **** was bigger than mine. 2) Whether he was giving her more pleasure than me. 3) Whether my wife was more interested in him than me. 4) Whether they did stuff which my wife wouldnt do with me.

How do I deal with this?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I've been in your shoes and made the same mistake of asking. Many years later I realize how ignorant I was......

The easy answer is for you (at this time) is mental/brain control. 

Here is some other advice.

#1 - accept and recognize that ANYTHING your wife did in the past (other than STD or porn/nudes) is completely irrelevant and has 0 effect on your relationship. Remind yourself when the thoughts you stated came up and deflect your mind and think about other/happy/peaceful things.

#2 - Learn to NEVER EVER ask these sort of questions again. Also apologize to your wife and tell her you were wrong for doing so. Your wife should also learn to never EVER share her past relationships with her loved ones. 

Asking the question OR answering = NOTHING but damage. There is NOTHING good that can come of asking or answering. EVER

#3 - remember, there is a good reason why your wife is with you and not her ex. MANY good reasons. Each and every time you bring her ex up to her, it will ONLY make her question YOUR Relationship MORE and make her reflect about good things about her ex. (read: keep your mouth shut).

#4 - tips for mental control. This is no different than some hot lady walking by you and dealing with that atmosphere you might encounter as a men....at times. It's your job (as a person in a relationship) to suppress those feelings and don't act on them. This is not easy and MOST men have trouble with it. Your situation is no different.

And remember, this is AS BIG of an issue, or AS SMALL as YOU make it right now.

Ignore the CRAP out of your brain on this subject and show your wife the best time of her life. Enjoy what you have, NOW is what REALLY matters.

Hope that helps, good luck


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If this is important to you why on earth did you wait until AFTER you were married. I think you are definetly entitled to information but to not ask.....then marry.....then ask.....then make a deal out of it screams of passive aggressive and being punishing. Under the circumstances I think you have to just let this go and when it bothers you just say to yourself it was my responsibility to ask BEFORE marriage.....I didn't so this is kinda all on me.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

You just need to realize that your insecurities are irrational. Your wife's past doesn't matter - she married YOU! Out of everyone she could have chosen, it was you she decided she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. You're miles ahead of those other guys.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

> Your wife should also learn to never EVER share her past relationships with her loved ones.


I agree with DoF's post with the exception of the quoted part above. OP, when you ask a person a question - be prepared to hear something you will not like.

Past lovers mean nothing, your wife married YOU. Take comfort in that, assuming everything else is fine in your marriage. You will destroy your own marriage if you let those crazy thoughts consume you. Let it go, your wife chose YOU.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

There are quite a lot of threads on this website on the subject of retroactive jealousy. One below I just copied at random but there are others.

talkaboutmarriage.com/.../29009-retroactive-jealousy-those-who-bothered- wives-past-sextual-experiences.html


If you read some of those you might glean some useful wisdom. With a bit of luck you might also get bored of the whole thing.

Good luck.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

DoF said:


> #1 - accept and recognize that ANYTHING your wife did in the past (other than STD or porn/nudes) is completely irrelevant and has 0 effect on your relationship.


(Off topic a little)
...what would be the issue if a woman had done porn or had nude pictures taken? Why would that be relevant?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> If this is important to you why on earth did you wait until AFTER you were married. I think you are definetly entitled to information but to not ask.....then marry.....then ask.....then make a deal out of it screams of passive aggressive and being punishing. Under the circumstances I think you have to just let this go and when it bothers you just say to yourself it was my responsibility to ask BEFORE marriage.....I didn't so this is kinda all on me.


Not even before marriage.

NEVER EVER ASK. NOTHING good can ever come of asking.....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

batsociety said:


> (Off topic a little)
> ...what would be the issue if a woman had done porn or had nude pictures taken? Why would that be relevant?


That is just honesty and something that should be disclosed to a person before getting into relationship with them. It's one of those unwritten codes.

This way, years down the road, when and if your SO sees the picture....he won't FLIP.

Those 2 things should always be disclosed EARLY IMO. Same for men of course!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> I agree with DoF's post with the exception of the quoted part above. OP, when you ask a person a question - be prepared to hear something you will not like.


Rather than cause PERMANENT damage to your loved one, prevent them from SELF INFLICTED PAIN. 

It's your responsibility as a loved one/smart mature women (in my opinion).

"it's way more important to be nice than it is to be right".


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> Not even before marriage.
> 
> NEVER EVER ASK. NOTHING good can ever come of asking.....


100% disagree. Best indication of future behavior is past. If I am to marry someone, share my life, make vows, love, honor and commit to one person I want to know any information I want to know. If it's not shared then I wouldn't marry......period. Others are comfortable in not knowing and that's fine with me but I don't understand it. If getting married I want to feel like I know that person better than anyone on the planet and only way to know that is by where they came from. I don't begrude the OP for asking or wanting to know but this all needs to be headed off PRIOR to marriage not after.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

connexion said:


> Recently I came to know about her past. Now every time it feels like I'm comparing our relationship to her past. 1) I keep wondering whether his **** was bigger than mine.



It may have or may not have been. Either way, she married you.



connexion said:


> 2) Whether he was giving her more pleasure than me.


He probably plasured her if they had sex (that is what sex involves), but either way, she married you. 



connexion said:


> 3) Whether my wife was more interested in him than me.


She probably had some interest in him at some point but either way, she married you, meaning she had more interest in you.



connexion said:


> 4) Whether they did stuff which my wife wouldnt do with me.


You could ask, but I'm not sure what good it would do based on how you already feel. 

Plus, she chose you, and either way, she married you.

Everyone has a past.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> Rather than cause PERMANENT damage to your loved one, prevent them from SELF INFLICTED PAIN.
> 
> It's your responsibility as a loved one/smart mature women (in my opinion).
> 
> "it's way more important to be nice than it is to be right".


I know what you mean...

All I'm saying is that there are people in this world that will answer a question truthfully & they really aren't trying to be cruel either. They're just honest. My husband is one of them. He isn't trying to be cruel, he is just brutally honest. So I know that if I can't handle the truth, just don't ask. I'm aware of myself enough to know when I can't handle the truth though.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

JustTired said:


> I know what you mean...
> 
> All I'm saying is that there are people in this world that will answer a question truthfully & they really aren't trying to be cruel either. They're just honest. My husband is one of them. He isn't trying to be cruel, he is just brutally honest. So I know that if I can't handle the truth, just don't ask. I'm aware of myself enough to know when I can't handle the truth though.


Lol I like this. Sounds like I am a lot like him. When my GF asks me something and I anticipate it might bother her I always preface....you sure you want to hear this. But what she does know is that she will always 100% get the full truth out of me cause I will be upfront and honest.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> I know what you mean...
> 
> All I'm saying is that there are people in this world that will answer a question truthfully & they really aren't trying to be cruel either. They're just honest.


I understand 100%, but honesty can be really tough on us men. It hurts DEEPLY (i know it hurt me).



JustTired said:


> My husband is one of them. He isn't trying to be cruel, he is just brutally honest. So I know that if I can't handle the truth, just don't ask. I'm aware of myself enough to know when I can't handle the truth though.


I'm just like you, knowing yourself and preventing yourself is always step 1.



Honesty taken to the extreme is not good either, nothing taken to the extreme is.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> 100% disagree. Best indication of future behavior is past. If I am to marry someone, share my life, make vows, love, honor and commit to one person I want to know any information I want to know. If it's not shared then I wouldn't marry......period. Others are comfortable in not knowing and that's fine with me but I don't understand it. If getting married I want to feel like I know that person better than anyone on the planet and only way to know that is by where they came from. I don't begrude the OP for asking or wanting to know but this all needs to be headed off PRIOR to marriage not after.


You can find out anything and everything you need to know from your partners past without asking sexual details. Those don't really matter.

perhaps FREQUENCY is one subject it's probably ok to ask (to get a feel of the person behavior/paterns).

But details of it....size......how many.......etc is a shaky ground.

And no, you don't have to (and you will never EVER) know every single detail about the person's past in order to have a successful marriage. Not at all.

Knowing EVERYTHING about someone is simply impossible....

And if you can handle this information, go nuts. Whatever floats that boat.

I'm just here to help a person like me....that has problems handling that sort of info/answer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do women get RJ? I haven't seen a post yet where a woman is so distraught over her husbands sexual history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

batsociety said:


> (Off topic a little)
> ...what would be the issue if a woman had done porn or had nude pictures taken? Why would that be relevant?


You really can't think of the relevance here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> You can find out anything and everything you need to know from your partners past without asking sexual details. Those don't really matter.
> 
> perhaps FREQUENCY is one subject it's probably ok to ask (to get a feel of the person behavior/paterns).
> 
> ...


those details may not matter to you but they certainly matter to me. I ask number before even getting intimate for the first time so that one is handled way early. I don't ask position details but for me number is important.

I appreciate you have and the OP maybe don't want to hear the past information. Everyone is differnt so as you say...go nuts. 

I'm just sharing my opinion on it just like you


And by the way I never said know everything. What I said was I want to know them better than anyone. Big difference in those two mind sets.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> those details may not matter to you but they certainly matter to me. I ask number before even getting intimate for the first time so that one is handled way early. I don't ask position details but for me number is important.
> 
> I appreciate you have and the OP maybe don't want to hear the past information. Everyone is differnt so as you say...go nuts.
> 
> ...


Have you ever told a woman, "sorry, but your number is too high?" What would be too high, anyway?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

From your post, I am assuming that the "Past" was prior to you. If so she was not with him and those decisions by her were when you were not even around. In that case, the past is the past, you met her, you made a commitment to each other and she has kept it. Be happy with a I assume a loving and faithful wife.

Now if this happened while you were in the picture, that changes the whole answer.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> those details may not matter to you but they certainly matter to me. I ask number before even getting intimate for the first time so that one is handled way early. I don't ask position details but for me number is important.
> 
> I appreciate you have and the OP maybe don't want to hear the past information. Everyone is differnt so as you say...go nuts.
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with above, whatever floats that boat.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Wolf1974 said:
> 
> 
> > those details may not matter to you but they certainly matter to me. I ask number before even getting intimate for the first time so that one is handled way early. I don't ask position details but for me number is important.
> ...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Have you ever told a woman, "sorry, but your number is too high?" What would be too high, anyway?


No woman with high #s will ever admit to it.......they know what's at stake.

Just my opinion though.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

DoF said:


> No woman with high #s will ever admit to it.......they know what's at stake.
> 
> Just my opinion though.


Too bad the same is not at stake for men with high numbers.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It all depends on the context of this discussion. If the OP and his then GF talked about sexual experiences, and she lied about her past, then that's one issue. If the OP never considered asking about the past and all of a sudden he finds out some things later, then that's a completely different issue.

In a situation like this, I know have to process her past relationships as it relates to performance, sizes and her feelings for the ex at the time those 2 dated. I can't hold my partner responsible for having a life before me.

However, I am also someone that is interested in sexual pasts from the standpoint of number of partners, her likes/dislikes as it pertains to sex and also if she is close friends with any of her former BFs. For myself, I would want someone that is compatible with who I am. I don't want someone who screwed enough guys to fill a small city nor would I want a virgin. I also want to know what kind of interests she has up front so that I can make an informed decision on whether we would be compatible in the bedroom. And I would most definitely want to know if her close friend "Bob" used to be her fiance (for example). 

One final area that I think would actually be important but some may think is "taboo" to discuss would be what type of guy she normally dated. For example, if she traditionally dated the "Latin Lover" type of guy normally, and she decided to now date me and I happen to be a red head with an "Irish complexion"...I'd want to know about that so that I could figure out whether I was a brief diversion in her life or if she was truly into me.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> DoF said:
> 
> 
> > No woman with high #s will ever admit to it.......they know what's at stake.
> ...


How do you assume it isn't. Women with a conservative view of sex, which is my shared view, won't be with a guy who has banged his way life. This absolutely goes both ways


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Too bad the same is not at stake for men with high numbers.


It is, but that depends on the lady



Many find that appealing....hehe, the ones you want, don't


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Connexion:

*I have been married to a wonderful woman whom I love very much and.*
That is all you really need to kno.


*1) I keep wondering whether his **** was bigger than mine. * 
Probably if she had several partners and you are average. The thing is, many women simply don't care, or prefer average (go to a sex-toy website that caters to women -the most popular toys are average sized).


*2) Whether he was giving her more pleasure than me.* 
Maybe - so learn how to be better. Experience with a particular person makes you a better lover, so if you work at it you WILL be the best she has ever had, even if you are not right now.

*3) Whether my wife was more interested in him than me. *
Well she is with you not him, so that seems unlikely.


*4) Whether they did stuff which my wife wouldnt do with me.
*
Do you have any reason to think she did? Its possible she was coerced into something she hated, but since you love her I assume you would not want her to do that again.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

In my past I have been many, many things.

At one time in my life I was a second story man and was VERY good at it.
Does that make me one now? 
No, I took it and made it into something good by joining a friends security firm.
Ah the foolishness of youth…

Did you ever take a piece of candy from a store or maybe a toy from a friend?
Does that make you a thief now?

Then you know that as well as forgiving yourself for your past indiscretions, you can also excuse other people as well.
When you think about it, what someone has done in the past is fertilizer for their current garden. Mistakes are made and unless it has some effect on you, the partner should be allowed to possess and process it WITHOUT your judgment.

Now to the heart of the matter…why is this so important to you?
I think you are afraid that if she DID have a better time with him that it will reflect on your self-worth and resonate with negative self talk you have about yourself.
This is why this is important to you. 
Not from what she did or experienced…
…but how it resonates with your own self image.

If you want to stop the hurt, then you need to change the resonance…IE you need to become “more okay” with who you are.

The problem isn’t the past.
Its right here, right now, right inside of you.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> batsociety said:
> 
> 
> > (Off topic a little)
> ...


I can think of the relevance re: wanting to know your partner's sexual history. But that poster put it on the same level as STDs, which a person has a legal obligation to disclose. I was wondering why a history of porn etc. would be considered as important.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DoF said:


> I understand 100%, but honesty can be really tough on us men. It hurts DEEPLY (i know it hurt me).


So?

That is a honest question. Because I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I want my partner to lie to me.

If there is a potential answer that would hurt you very deeply, then consider very carefully whether you want to ask it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> So?
> 
> That is a honest question. Because I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I want my partner to lie to me.
> 
> If there is a potential answer that would hurt you very deeply, then consider very carefully whether you want to ask it.


I understand, read my posts......we are on the same page.


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## Green Eyes (Nov 20, 2014)

OP try and look at it this way, your wife's past helped her become the person she is today whom you love. We all have a life before we marry, for many of us that life involves sexual experiences with others. Did you have sex with anyone before your wife?

Her having relationships with others helped her to decide the type of person she wanted to spend her life with...someone just like you.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Focusing on a partners past is a prime symptom if low self esteem.


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## hopeless11 (Feb 16, 2012)

Been there, done that. Some things I can share are:

1. Sometimes, better to NOT KNOW, ever (absent STDs)
2. Asking her and showing insecurity may spawn her own insecurities. This will impact your relationship. Not knowing her personality type, she could: get angry, get upset thinking she is doing something wrong, see you as insecure and losing respect for you, etc... 
3. Even if she says you have the biggest and most perfect willy and you satisfy her 110%, will you accept that? Probably not, given your current state of awareness and concerns, etc...
4. Accept that a woman picks you. Asking questions and worrying may make her think about why she did.
5. What if she asks you the same about your past? What would you tell her? Probably not, "Oh one ex I had the best xxxx and knew how to use it..." etc... Why do you think she is going to do any different.
6. If you live in the past, you miss out on the future....

So, my advice, as others have stated, deal with it internally, let it fade and move on.

I will add that use the concerns to your advantage. You want her to forget the others (if they even exist at all)? Put in the overtime to drive it out of her, so to speak. Make sure YOU would be the one she would ever think about, if you were one of those in her past. You may end up with a sex goddess for all the effort you put in to it and you will feel better too!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

batsociety said:


> I can think of the relevance re: wanting to know your partner's sexual history. But that poster put it on the same level as STDs, which a person has a legal obligation to disclose. I was wondering why a history of porn etc. would be considered as important.


Do you have friends and neighbors? Children? Work colleagues? Does your wife? Or husband. Sorry I can't tell what sex you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SecondTime'Round said:


> *Too bad the same is not at stake for men with high numbers.*


I would NOT want a man with high numbers..Just saying. we're not all the same, a guy who thinks very little of who he sleeps with, can easily move from one woman to the next is not something I find admirable in a man..

I feel men like that are emotionally colder, they can easily separate love & sex , which seems commonplace in society today, people don't bat an eye.....something that I am not made of myself... so No, I would not want this sort of man, I'd feel like just another notch on his belt.. there is nothing special about this AT ALL..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you don't have a bigger **** than any man your wife ever had sex with, you better get a divorce.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hicks said:


> If you don't have a bigger **** than any man your wife ever had sex with, you better get a divorce.


Come on... There is always enlargement.&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

connexion said:


> *I have been married to a wonderful woman whom I love very much *and. Recently I came to know about her past. Now every time it feels like I'm comparing our relationship to her past. 1) I keep wondering whether his **** was bigger than mine. 2) Whether he was giving her more pleasure than me. 3) Whether my wife was more interested in him than me. 4) Whether they did stuff which my wife wouldnt do with me.
> 
> How do I deal with this?


Absolutely nothing has changed about the wonderful woman you love very much and your wonderful marriage except for your perspective and sudden new fears.

This is more about you than about your wife and whatever she experienced in her past. If the other guy/s were better, she'd still be with them. But she's not - instead, she's created this wonderful marriage with you. Don't sabotage it by making her feel like crap for having had sex in the past.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have an old Marine buddy who solved this issue with his wife many years ago before they got married. She was the o e who was worried that he would reject her due to her sexual past. 

She was, how shall we say, quite the veteran?

I liked what he told her when she fessed up. He said something g to the effect "Well, I racked up seven confirmed kills when I was a sniper during the Greneda operation. That was seven Cuban boys who's mothers will never see them again. Nothing you did sexually in your past compares to what I did. You have good memories of fun times with your ex lovers. I get to close my eyes at night and relive every kill I made. So quit beating yourself up".

They have been married since 1989.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I have an old Marine buddy who solved this issue with his wife many years ago before they got married. She was the o e who was worried that he would reject her due to her sexual past.
> 
> She was, how shall we say, quite the veteran?
> 
> ...


His confidence probably kicked the living shyt out of anyone in.her past anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Do you have friends and neighbors? Children? Work colleagues? Does your wife? Or husband. Sorry I can't tell what sex you are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes to all of those things. 

What's your point?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lovesmanis said:


> Focusing on a partners past is a prime symptom if low self esteem.


Course it is


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

batsociety said:


> Yes to all of those things.
> 
> What's your point?


So a woman does maybe 10 to 20 videos getting stuffed by around 50 guys with members the size of her forearm or maybe just one video getting a whole bunch of guys at once turning her into a meat sandwich.

She gets out of the industry meets a nice man a couple years later. Fast forward another 13 years and they have a great life with a boy and a girl 12 and 10.

Due to the agelessness of the internet, her videos are discovered and all the aforementioned groups and individuals are made graphically aware of what she did.

How do you think that would impact the husband, the children, her job, possibly his job, their acquaintances and friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovesmanis said:


> Focusing on a partners past is a prime symptom if low self esteem.


Depends on the reasons but if insecure, I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Originally Posted by* lovesmanis*
> *Focusing on a partners past is a prime symptom if low self esteem.*





Wolf1974 said:


> *Course it is *


Given the  , Pretty sure Wolf doesn't always agree.. neither do I -frankly.. let me illustrate 2 different mindsets on this issue....

I know of 2 men.. who both care about a woman's past.. BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.... 

One is a guy friend... the other is my H.... the guy friend has shared his struggles with a lady with an extensive past...they may not last because this has been such an issue for him, he does have the dreaded RJ...

One thing both have in common is a sensitive nature, more on the romantic side, feels SEX is very special.. that's the way it's meant to be.. an expression of deep love and commitment even.

The women he met is beautiful, she is like everything he wants BUT he can't get past her past.... He is 40 yrs old and only slept with 3 women before her (2 of them were his wives).... He is a good looking guy...one wouldn't think someone like THIS would struggle.. but HE DOES!! 

He wanted to find a like minded woman on this. but it didn't work out that way... she's never been married, 35 yrs old and thinks sleeping with men early in a relationship is normal and good, and she doesn't regret her decisions...or her past, only that it is now hurting THEM.... she even went as far as telling him if he brings it up again...it's over... I've told him he needs to get help, what a shame if he feels they are so good for each other. 

He is absolutely STUCK on this idea ... how do I know I am "the BEST"... her #1 that no other man before me was what I am to her.... it's like he has some NEED to KNOW this.. and how can a woman prove such a thing.. really.. He says what they have is phenomenal ..he'll be Ok for a while then have a relapse on this.

I've compare HOW HE THINKS to how my Husband THINKS... which seems to be rooted from something else.. 

****************

I asked this friend one day this question.. which he would prefer - given a choice.....

*1)* a woman who only slept with 1 man, her husband, they had a passionate sexual relationship, she felt he was her everything.. but he died. or something happened later in life, they divorced, etc..... then he found her.. but he was fully aware - what she shared with him was very strong, emotionally deep, something she will carry with her- probably for life.. all those years they shared.. 

OR


*2)* a woman who has had 15 + partners but none of them were anything to write home about.. each relationship was lacking emotionally in some area or another.. sex was good but she was never fully fulfilled -till she met HIM...

The friends answer was *#2*... the woman with a variety of partners* because that makes HIM #1*... it took him no time to blurt that out.. when I asked my H.. his answer was undoubtedly *#1*... because it's NOT about Being #1.. it's about the character of the woman... he just feels the women with restraint that waits for love is more trustworthy...and more faithful.. That's his feelings..always has been. 

On another note, he is not one to ask, even if he does care, he figures such things , her behavior would give this away while dating.. though knowing how He feels, I think he is the type that SHOULD ask..

So It appears with the friend it's more *insecurity based*... beings he is Comparing to a high degree.. hung up on how she felt with these old flames.... where my Husband is all more *value related*, he wants a woman who views it and lives the same as himself..


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Given the  , Pretty sure Wolf doesn't always agree.. neither do I -frankly.. let me illustrate 2 different mindsets on this issue....
> 
> I know of 2 men.. who both care about a woman's past.. BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS....
> 
> ...


This is more wordy than my  but I agree with you :smthumbup:

I am like your husband and would take #1


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

connexion said:


> I have been married to a wonderful woman whom I love very much and. Recently I came to know about her past. Now every time it feels like I'm comparing our relationship to her past. 1) I keep wondering whether his **** was bigger than mine. 2) Whether he was giving her more pleasure than me. 3) Whether my wife was more interested in him than me. 4) Whether they did stuff which my wife wouldnt do with me.
> 
> How do I deal with this?


Retroactive jealousy is an emotional response and not a logical one. In my opinion you should remind yourself of that when these intrusive thoughts pop in your head. The clique about self fullfilling prophecies is very true in this case. This can cause the very thing you're afraid of (her not loving you).


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Looks like we lost our connexion


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Looks like we lost our connexion


It's kind of a loaded thread as well. connexion gave us just enough information to start projecting. We don't know much context which makes it feel like a fishing expedition where an extreme post or two will eventually be quoted as evidence of TAM-fail.


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## HypnoHealer (Feb 14, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Connexion:
> 
> *I have been married to a wonderful woman whom I love very much and.*
> That is all you really need to kno.
> ...


Love these and I add: So What? If he is bigger. I have known pornstar sized guys who were terrible in bed and under average who were great.

Get better, do more and the final question should be are there things they did she hasn't done with me, and more importantly things she would like to try we have never done? Same for you.

A man wants to be a woman's first love (Ah how fragile and fearful we are)
A woman wants to be a man's last.

I just want to be her best.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Think about this. Your not a mind reader but did you ever wonder if your wife wonders if the women in your past were better lovers than her, had bigger boobs, nicer butt, did things with you that she never did but she might feel good knowing that you wanted her with all her flaws, faults and warts.

Face it. If she was in a relationship or two before you then you can take it to the bank that they had sex. You did to so IMO, it's a wash unless she did something out of the norm that she told you about.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I've only had 2 partners my entire life, and I've married the 2nd one. I would assume that most people would have a hard time trying to figure out who the best lover they had was. Not from a pure technique standpoint but from the complete package. The biggest sex organ is the brain. So if a person has sex with someone who they truly love completely and utterly, then the technique does not have to be as good as someone who is primarily looking for a hookup or fwb relationship. So long as the person you are with is not dwelling on a specific past lover the majority of his/her time, what does it matter in the end?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> richardsharpe said: *3) Whether my wife was more interested in him than me. *
> *Well she is with you not him, so that seems unlikely*.


Not always true.. just da** hurtful to think about or admit...*Unlikely* -HOPEFULLY....

You know , plenty of women get DUMPED by the love of their lives... can this be denied ? Just like men get dumped by a women they were head over heels for...blindsided.... it happens..

Hopefully we all get over those who left us in the dust & boot them out of our hearts, souls & minds... to deny no one struggles here though...I just wouldn't agree!.. some lingering memories will *always remain*..Unless we're hit with amnesia... an old song, glimpse of the make/model car they make love in the back seat, an old photo surfaces...the memories flood.. sometimes a "What IF" even... 

For every time I see THIS rationalization as some sort of comfort.. I think to myself.. Let's hope so, but it's not always reality.. or we wouldn't see so many falling back into the arms of past lovers...happens just a little bit too often I'd say. 

Hopefully those cases are more about how the current H is treating his wife / dissing her emotional needs...over some Hot banging of the past....

I really haven't met anyone yet who doesn't "*Compare*" in their minds & hearts.. Don't we ALL DO THIS ???...... It's just not something people are going to admit to when they're married.. how rude & heartless that would be !



> *Plan 9 from OS said*:* So if a person has sex with someone who they truly love completely and utterly, then the technique does not have to be as good as someone who is primarily looking for a hookup or fwb relationship*.


 Going by what so many say here.. when you have the whole package, how could anything compare really.. if the emotions had to be withheld for a hook up/ fwb ... even if they made a woman squirt to the ceiling saying "you're a beast!"... if there was no afterglow but his picking up & out the da** door, I can't see how that would be so grand ! But again.. a past lover that touched our very souls, many memories shared.. who is to say who was really better... 

Not so sure we can wash everything from our psyches so easily.... better to just accept others were a significant part of our lives at one time.. it's part of the package.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not always true.. just da** hurtful to think about or admit...*Unlikely* -HOPEFULLY....
> 
> You know , plenty of women get DUMPED by the love of their lives... can this be denied ? Just like men get dumped by a women they were head over heels for...blindsided.... it happens..
> 
> ...


I guess ultimately best lover ever is highly subjective - if we assume that the "nominees" were overall similar in skill levels and having the assets that mesh well with your own. One guy may be too large for one woman so her experiences may not be ideal while for another woman he may be the best thing out there. 

Unless you are truly bad at sex and have zero clue or awareness about pleasing a partner, you are going to be the best provided that you fulfill your partners other needs.

And I agree. If you have a past, you can't forget it forever. I still think about sex with my first. I don't dwell on it every day and push my wife out of my mind. But it happens from time to time. A lot of times, you can't help think about it. Thank goodness we don't have the ability to read minds. If we did, almost everyone would feel like garbage and be extremely hurt. People have functioning brains and thoughts will come in and go out, and that's how we all function.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

batsociety said:


> (Off topic a little)
> ...what would be the issue if a woman had done porn or had nude pictures taken? Why would that be relevant?


That's very dated advice. Presume any woman under 30 has been recorded by her smart phone during sexual activity and you'll be right more often than you are wrong.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

DoF said:


> Not even before marriage.
> 
> NEVER EVER ASK. NOTHING good can ever come of asking.....


Different people have different takes. I wanted the full truth to know who she was. I also knew I had to be prepared to accept and move on.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> And I agree. If you have a past, you can't forget it forever. I still think about sex with my first. I don't dwell on it every day and push my wife out of my mind. But it happens from time to time. A lot of times, you can't help think about it. Thank goodness we don't have the ability to read minds. If we did, almost everyone would feel like garbage and be extremely hurt. People have functioning brains and thoughts will come in and go out, and that's how we all function.


I have to disagree. I rarely, if ever, think about any past lovers. I was with one bf for six years, and I'd be hard-pressed to remember any particular time we had sex, much less spend any time thinking about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

norajane said:


> I have to disagree. I rarely, if ever, think about any past lovers. I was with one bf for six years, and I'd be hard-pressed to remember any particular time we had sex, much less spend any time thinking about it.


I remember my first pretty well. Many others too. There are a lot of blurry ones though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Nothing good comes from playing the "what if" game. My wife has always treated me great and says that she loves me. I could ask her if she ever loved someone more but that would be nuts. If the marriage is solid then she's say no whether it's true or not and if the marriage is on the rocks then she'd say yea whether it's true or not. 

Plus what qualifies as more or less? I was in love with my teacher in the 7th grade but she didn't know it. Does that count? And I was certainly in love with Farrah Fawcett. I'm guessing that doesn't count.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

The questions about who, how many, how many at once, etc... are not the same as "do you love me more?"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you nailed Farrah, fess up!&#55357;&#56841;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Simple answer: Grow up. Mature, confident people do not dwell on a past they had no part of. 

You posted, so you recognize the problem is with you, but you may not realize how much you need to work on this issue--for the sake of your own future.

It might not be much work, it might be a lot, but you cannot put it off. Get some counseling and/or read some books to help you understand how your thoughts control your feelings, and how YOU control your thoughts. Work on it. Be happy with yourself, understand you wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't want to be with you, get to a point where you feel really good about yourself, and stuff like this (there's lots of it--stuff that leads you to feel insecure, and most of it will have little to do with your wife) will never get you down again. Good luck!


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Human curiousity compells a person to ask regarding your spouse's past. Key word: past. What kind of questions are you asking? Will they hold meaning or are you just _reaching?_ Prepare to get annoyed about an answer or two and then what, overthink stuff? Most of the time the other spouse will shake their head and go "why do you want to know, it's not important now". 
Just be happy who you're with and don't sweat the small stuff. Unless, it's interfering with your present for some reason.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

sisters359 said:


> Get some counseling and/or read some books to help you understand how your thoughts control your feelings, and how YOU control your thoughts.


What are the titles of these books?


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## bastian36 (Feb 11, 2015)

connexion said:


> I have been married to a wonderful woman whom I love very much and. Recently I came to know about her past. Now every time it feels like I'm comparing our relationship to her past. 1) I keep wondering whether his **** was bigger than mine. 2) Whether he was giving her more pleasure than me. 3) Whether my wife was more interested in him than me. 4) Whether they did stuff which my wife wouldnt do with me.
> 
> How do I deal with this?


Stop making this mistake. We all have our past baggage. But, she's married to you because she loves you, right? Right. So, why deal with something that's not important in the present time?


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