# Triggers :(



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My H had an appointment with in walking distance from where OW works today. I had an appointment a couple of hours before his & was close by. He stopped by & surprised me., But that only upset me more. It made me think about him meeting her like that. I tried not to let it show. He meant well. Been trying to not let it get to me, But the longer he's gone the more paranoid I'm getting. How long does it take to stop being this way?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's going to take a while. 

Weeks? Maybe, but probably months... and _maybe_ even years.

It does get easier w/ time, though.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> It's going to take a while.
> 
> Weeks? Maybe, but probably months... and _maybe_ even years.
> 
> It does get easier w/ time, though.


Thanks, I hope so this is awful.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Triggers will happen for as long as you let t I think if you can discuss them with your huband without him going all panicy and rugsweeping it does good to let him know how extensive are the consequences of his unilateral and selfish decisions.

But share your feelings in a non judgemental way or he'll.assume your tryinf to punish or be vindictive.

They can last a long time and determining what base emotion they are really tapping is important to your healing and growth. Anger, fear, abandonment, jealousy or resentment? Work it out and get tougher...

3..5 years after Dday my husband signs a card 
using the same affectionate nickname he used for his Ow for a short while...he meant it in the best most endearing way for me and was totally clueless he had used it for her in a totally different context. Normally I would have called him on it but because he obviously didnt remember and it would be destroying a sincerely romantic moment that we needed to capture I let it go...you can learn to do this too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In my case, it was the OW's first name. For the 30 years I remained in my marriage after DD1 and before DD2, I would flinch when I met someone with her name. That has now gone away. 

You are very new to R and obviously want this to be over quickly but that's not how it works, unfortunately. It can easily take years.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Go easy on yourself. Have you printed out and has he read helping your betrayed spouse info available on this site...? It can help him to understand the utter devastation he caused and what and how he can help.

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Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacksö assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Triggers. Some of mine would cause panic attacks to the point I would have to pull over. My WW and her OM would go to a forest preserve. I once told our MC that maple trees would trigger me. Not to mention all the animals!! I have a panic attack when I see a squirrel! You only need to learn two words, triggers suck. 

Our MC asked my WW to try to notice my triggers. Then talk me through them, reassure me. This actually helped me as I didn't think my WW could ever notice my triggers to be honest. WW did good though and I was pleasantly surprised. The biggest thing is time though. I'm not going to say time heals all sounds but as time passes the triggers happen but not so strong.

Talk them out with your WH so he understands your position. If he begins to get upset remind him that his actions caused this not yours. You are try to deal with the fallout to your marriage. Our MC asked my WW to try something. MC went to the waiting room and returned with a chair. MC asked WW to hold the chair off the ground with both arms out in front of you. MC says that's the pain your husband feels. MC explained all of this as my WW struggled to hold the chair. MC then said WW could put the chair down. Mc then said to pick up the chair with one arm and hold the chair in front of her. Then the MC said that's the pain from a trigger. 

It's a slow process devastated but you are getting stronger, more confident, and your actions show this everyday. Don't lose sight of how far you've come. You are doing fine so take a deep breath and hit it again tomorrow. Good days and bad days happen with as far from d-day you're at. Stay strong, tomorrow is a new day, the sun will rise and set again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No triggers for a while. And if anyone had asked me what year my wife had her affair, I couldn't have told them.

Until my company moved to a new building with a security lock. And the number on the keypad was the year of my wife's affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Triggers. Some of mine would cause panic attacks to the point I would have to pull over. My WW and her OM would go to a forest preserve. I once told our MC that maple trees would trigger me. Not to mention all the animals!! I have a panic attack when I see a squirrel! You only need to learn two words, triggers suck.
> 
> ...


I did print this out & he read it. It helped a lot.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

His appointment yesterday was for jury duty. He got picked. He will be there every day at least until Friday where he will have several breaks through out the day plus a lunch break. He took snacks & said he was going to sit in his truck in the parking lot. You can see the office where she works & her Van from there. This is going to be very hard for me. Wandering all day is he sitting out there now? will she see him? If she does will she go & try to talk to him?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> His appointment yesterday was for jury duty. He got picked. He will be there every day at least until Friday where he will have several breaks through out the day plus a lunch break. He took snacks & said he was going to sit in his truck in the parking lot. You can see the office where she works & her Van from there. This is going to be very hard for me. Wandering all day is he sitting out there now? will she see him? If she does will she go & try to talk to him?


Devastated an lost

Well that's a kick in the a$$. You will need to keep yourself busy during this week and I would be most worried about the lunch break. Maybe surprise him during the week and meet him for lunch. Sounds to me he needs to learn how to answer the questions for jury selection. Next time have him try some of these answers.

Of course he's guilty, the officer wouldn't have arrested him if he wasn't. 
Ask the judge when ****tails are served. 
When the defense attorney asks a question, plead the fifth.
Look at the defendant and say, didn't we go to school together? 
Ask if all five of your personalities have to agree.
Look at the defendant and and exclaim, you bastard, you said you were moving out of state!!

Stay strong devastated and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Well that's a kick in the a$$. You will need to keep yourself busy during this week and I would be most worried about the lunch break. Maybe surprise him during the week and meet him for lunch. Sounds to me he needs to learn how to answer the questions for jury selection. Next time have him try some of these answers.
> 
> ...


Drifting On, It's way early in the BS class for such a test. This is one of the places that I can't drive. I have panic attacks although I thought about telling him I might give it a try. Just when I think things are getting better something like this has to happen. This has me feeling like D-day all over again. I told him to either agree or disagree with everything they ask.. Lol


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So sorry DL totally understand. great advice here for sure


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Sometimes I feel like this will never end. this pain is my life now & it's unbearable


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

I understand if its too early in your recovery to drive there. I also understand that just when you feel you are getting a grip on things you get kicked again. My father in law had a kidney removed ten days ago. Doctors told him there was a cancerous mass on the kidney, but it was contained.They removed the kidney and all went well with the surgery. He was released from the hospital a week later. Just before discharge the doctor came for rounds. My father in law was told the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes. Come January they want him to start chemo and see an oncologist before the end of the year. 

Until he sees the oncologist it is unknown what stage or how serious. The thing is I just started joking again more last week as I felt a little better. Then this news. My WW is obviously concerned for her father and goes to visit each chance she gets. Her parents live less than twenty minutes from the OM, so each visit I trigger. Most of the time I feel like I just started to move forward and a big hand come up and slaps me backwards three steps. It's like my cousin vinny, at the cabin on the porch and he's saying "is there anything else we can add to this?"
Stay strong and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I understand if its too early in your recovery to drive there. I also understand that just when you feel you are getting a grip on things you get kicked again. My father in law had a kidney removed ten days ago. Doctors told him there was a cancerous mass on the kidney, but it was contained.They removed the kidney and all went well with the surgery. He was released from the hospital a week later. Just before discharge the doctor came for rounds. My father in law was told the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes. Come January they want him to start chemo and see an oncologist before the end of the year.
> 
> ...


Drifting On, So sorry. It seems like we can't catch a break. As if what I've already told you isn't bad enough,The case my H is on took place where the OW use to work so I am a little worried that she could even be called as a witness.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Well he got an hour & a half for lunch, But he called me & said he knows how I must be feeling he went to the store to get gas. We talked on the ride there & he called me as soon as he got out & talked to me the whole time. That helped me a lot.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Well he got an hour & a half for lunch, But he called me & said he knows how I must be feeling he went to the store to get gas. We talked on the ride there & he called me as soon as he got out & talked to me the whole time. That helped me a lot.


These are the moves that will help you heal. My H did the same. So happy he took this move for you.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> These are the moves that will help you heal. My H did the same. So happy he took this move for you.


Me too Blossom. I think I would've lost my mind if he hadn't called.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

It's 5: o clock & he hasn't called. I'm trying not to panic!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's 5: o clock & he hasn't called. I'm trying not to panic!


Are you ok?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's 5: o clock & he hasn't called. I'm trying not to panic!


Devastated an lost

Take a deep breath and relax, I know it's hard but don't panic. My WW was working with her OM and I called after she was ten minutes late. No answer. I called and texted her nothing. After she was thirty minutes late she texted I'm sorry, be right there. I was well into a panic attack by then! As it turns out her cousin from Canada came by with several other cousins to surprise her. She had lost track of time with all of the commotion. MC sided with her on this that this was excusable, I still say no, it wasn't but a part of me can understand to a small degree. So there may be an innocent excuse. If you need to pm me. I hope you and your family are safe. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Drifting On & Blossom, Everything is ok. They are staying late to try & get finished by Christmas. He had told me to start with that they would be out of there around 4 - 4:30 so I panicked. This is going to be a long week. Thanks for caring.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On & Blossom, Everything is ok. They are staying late to try & get finished by Christmas. He had told me to start with that they would be out of there around 4 - 4:30 so I panicked. This is going to be a long week. Thanks for caring.


Devastated

That's good news. In court he has very limited use of his cell phone and other electronics. The courts probably decided last minute to extend their hours and don't give people ample time to notify others. With that being said, at the time from d-day that you are at I would call the clerks office to verify they stayed late. This could be my personal trust issues coming into play here but even now I still trust and verify on certain issues. Very relieved that you are ok. Stay strong and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated
> 
> That's good news. In court he has very limited use of his cell phone and other electronics. The courts probably decided last minute to extend their hours and don't give people ample time to notify others. With that being said, at the time from d-day that you are at I would call the clerks office to verify they stayed late. This could be my personal trust issues coming into play here but even now I still trust and verify on certain issues. Very relieved that you are ok. Stay strong and God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did think about doing that. He told me they might not get out of there until 7: 00 or later tonight.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yes, trust but verify and keep yourself busy during that time.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yes, trust but verify and keep yourself busy during that time.


What makes this so hard is not only is he with in sight of where she works, But the case he's on took place where she was working at the time it happened... Double whammy..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> What makes this so hard is not only is he with in sight of where she works, But the case he's on took place where she was working at the time it happened... Double whammy..


Yea, I know hun... my H has remained at the job he was in when he had the affair. She still worked there after Dday until just a few months ago. So, I totally get it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> What makes this so hard is not only is he with in sight of where she works, But the case he's on took place where she was working at the time it happened... Double whammy..


Do as Blossom Leigh says and stay busy. Keep your mind occupied, call friends, go for a long walk, anything that will soothe your mind. When you find something that works let me know as I haven't found anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I worked very difficult 1000 pc puzzles at the time of my favorite creation... horses.

It did a couple of things for me... allowed me to stay out of panic mode because I had to focus and it also allowed my H to come along side me, pull up a chair and just show his support without speaking.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Do as Blossom Leigh says and stay busy. Keep your mind occupied, call friends, go for a long walk, anything that will soothe your mind. When you find something that works let me know as I haven't found anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I'm about to do. I need to get out of this house & stop sitting by the phone. I'm going to ride around & maybe stop by & visit a friend. If I can catch her at home.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yea, I know hun... my H has remained at the job he was in when he had the affair. She still worked there after Dday until just a few months ago. So, I totally get it.


I don't know if I would have been able to cope with that. It must have been very hard for you. The thought of my H just seeing OW sends me into panic mode as you can see..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Giggle... if ya feel like coming on down the road a piece I could tell ya were I work


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Giggle... if ya feel like coming on down the road a piece I could tell ya were I work


Laverne and Shirley comes to mind here!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Haha... you are dating yourself


Thelma and Louise...

Oh wait.. so am I.. lol


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Haha... you are dating yourself
> 
> 
> Thelma and Louise...
> ...




I grew up watching Lucy and Ethel!!! I could have been watching reruns!! 

Or not...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I grew up watching Lucy and Ethel!!! I could have been watching reruns!!
> 
> Or not...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL!!! omg I love her!

Carol Burnette... etc


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> LOL!!! omg I love her!
> 
> Carol Burnette... etc



The ear wiggler, I forgot about her. Who was she?? Haha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

One of my favs for sure..

wow was TV way more innocent back then.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Lol, I grew up during the pokemon craze.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ewwww... you are too young. LOL


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> ewwww... you are too young. LOL


I grew up wher the navel wasn't allowed to be shown on TV until the Sonny and Cher comedy hour!!

Damn, I am old!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I Loved bewitched. Wish I could have her powers for a day. I would take us all back in time & we would know what we know now minus the hurt. I want say what I'd do to the OW/M but it would be so humiliating that our spouses would never give them a second look that's for sure..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> ewwww... you are too young. LOL


I am sure in 20 years I will fit in here.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I am sure in 20 years I will fit in here.


giggle... awww.. you fit in now... I had to poke atcha

I loved the Sonny and Cher show


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I am sure in 20 years I will fit in here.


In twenty I'll be in a nursing home!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I Loved bewitched. Wish I could have her powers for a day. I would take us all back in time & we would know what we know now minus the hurt. I want say what I'd do to the OW/M but it would be so humiliating that our spouses would never give them a second look that's for sure..


Actually this witty banter has lessened my pain! 

Blossom
TV was so different and innocent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

How are you doing? Keeping busy I hope? Did you trust and verify with the circuit clerks office to see if court had expanded hours? Stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, I wonder the reason why I do not trigger like I have read about was because I ended the relationship with my fiance.? They don't teach you about relationships in psychology.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

For me I already had preexisting PTSD, so it may have just added to it for me.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> How are you doing? Keeping busy I hope? Did you trust and verify with the circuit clerks office to see if court had expanded hours? Stay strong!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I'm not sure how to do it & I'm afraid he might find out. He has called & talked to me on every break & during lunch. I went & visited with my friend. I'm felling better now that my H just called & told me I had nothing to worry about. If she where to walk up to him it would be hard for him not to spit in her face.. After all the lies she told. He knows now. She was just out for a good time..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hmm, I wonder the reason why I do not trigger like I have read about was because I ended the relationship with my fiance.? They don't teach you about relationships in psychology.


I think in my case I would trigger either way. Divorce for me was trading one pain for another. Reconciliation was the harder choice but every time I would see an old Lincoln town car (OM's car) I would still trigger, then have the urge to... Sorry I'm rambling... I know I'll never go to a forest preserve or anything resembling one for the rest of my life. I will also avoid a certain restaurant as that is where they always went also. All of her affair unraveled because I triggered on our anniversary in 2013. Damn that elderly couple for having sex in a hotel parking lot at two in the afternoon!!!! I'm not even joking here, they had to be well in their seventies!!! I mean you drove to the hotel why not go inside and get a key!!! No, instead an hour later my gut knew WW had cheated. Even our MC couldn't help but laugh as I told her my trigger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hmm, I wonder the reason why I do not trigger like I have read about was because I ended the relationship with my fiance.? They don't teach you about relationships in psychology.


It's harder I guess when your still with your spouse & wanting so bad to trust them. Every thing that happens you wander if they're telling you another lie.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> For me I already had preexisting PTSD, so it may have just added to it for me.


I know that PTSD all too well. The pain is most excruciating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yea, the first seven years of my relationship with my H, he would set it off ALL THE TIME. We really had our hands full navigating it.

I thought it was just me, but then I realized... wait a minute, my ex never set off my PTSD, so this is not just me and if I continue to work on my PTSD to stay in this relationship I will be conditioning myself to accept abuse on a whole new level than what I had already gone through with my Mom and step dad, so that's when I put my foot down about him getting professional help for his anger.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's harder I guess when your still with your spouse & wanting so bad to trust them. Every thing that happens you wander if they're telling you another lie.


That is a tough phase..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Trust is earn through time and does not magically reappear. Is the communication skills improving? Has he taken down the walls a lot, or somewhat? I never found out the status of that whole issue.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> No I'm not sure how to do it & I'm afraid he might find out. He has called & talked to me on every break & during lunch. I went & visited with my friend. I'm felling better now that my H just called & told me I had nothing to worry about. If she where to walk up to him it would be hard for him not to spit in her face.. After all the lies she told. He knows now. She was just out for a good time..


Just remember, talk is cheap and his words are close to worthless- he's lied to you. A lot. 

He won't find out if you call and ask the clerk, "Is case such-and-such still in session?" Lots of people have parents, husbands, wives on the jury and may be wondering. What's the harm? Knowing he is where he says he is will reassure you and ease your mind. And as far as you asking what if he finds out -- he should respect your need to trust but verify. If he is remorseful, he'd understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> No I'm not sure how to do it & I'm afraid he might find out. He has called & talked to me on every break & during lunch. I went & visited with my friend. I'm felling better now that my H just called & told me I had nothing to worry about. If she where to walk up to him it would be hard for him not to spit in her face.. After all the lies she told. He knows now. She was just out for a good time..


Devastated an lost

Your husband is working to gain your trust back, always remember that he strayed not you. I told my WW until I can trust you I will trust but verify. She agreed. WW gaslighted, lied, blindsided, and picked fights to justify her bulls--t. Not my fault. WW could have told me the truth every time I asked about an affair. Nope, more lies.

Google the circuit court clerks office, inform them you husband is on a jury panel and you need to know the hours his case was in session. The clerks office will not notify him you called. This will help you in several ways. First, and I'm not implying anything here, if he is telling you the truth your mind will be at ease. Second if he is lying, you know.

Devastated, you need to think of you, not whether or not he finds out if you verified his words. He should expect you to check on him and what he says. So call if you think it will help you. Stay strong and God bless.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Trust is earn through time and does not magically reappear. Is the communication skills improving? Has he taken down the walls a lot, or somewhat? I never found out the status of that whole issue.


Mr. Fisty, He has done a 180 & has finally started opening up to me. After almost 4 months of him just going into a rage every time I mentioned it. I finally got mad & told him I hadn't done anything to deserve being talked to like that. I told him if you can't be here for me then just leave me alone & I will deal with it by myself. When I started to pull away from him. He broke down & has made a huge change.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Mr. Fisty, He has done a 180 & has finally started opening up to me. After almost 4 months of him just going into a rage every time I mentioned it. I finally got mad & told him I hadn't done anything to deserve being talked to like that. I told him if you can't be here for me then just leave me alone & I will deal with it by myself. When I started to pull away from him. He broke down & has made a huge change.


I wrote an exceptionally beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful response to this. Probably would have been my post ever on a thread. But the signals from my brain to my fingers short circuited and I lost everything. Now I have to try again but my brain is too taxed at the moment from losing such a great response. I hate small keyboards and large fingers!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Drifting On, Awww, FYI I think all your post are exceptionally beautiful, intelligent & thoughtful :smthumbup:


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, Awww, FYI I think all your post are exceptionally beautiful, intelligent & thoughtful :smthumbup:


Thank you devastated. I'll try again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Mr. Fisty, He has done a 180 & has finally started opening up to me. After almost 4 months of him just going into a rage every time I mentioned it. I finally got mad & told him I hadn't done anything to deserve being talked to like that. I told him if you can't be here for me then just leave me alone & I will deal with it by myself. When I started to pull away from him. He broke down & has made a huge change.



Usually people can change when it comes to a crisis moment. He fear losing you, so he had to make a change. Communicate that you expect that this change will be maintained.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Usually people can change when it comes to a crisis moment. He fear losing you, so he had to make a change. Communicate that you expect that this change will be maintained.


I have let him know that my standards have changed. I will no longer be disrespected.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Mr. Fisty, He has done a 180 & has finally started opening up to me. After almost 4 months of him just going into a rage every time I mentioned it. I finally got mad & told him I hadn't done anything to deserve being talked to like that. I told him if you can't be here for me then just leave me alone & I will deal with it by myself. When I started to pull away from him. He broke down & has made a huge change.


Devastated an lost

This is the behavior you have wanted to bring forward. Strength and confidence. Remember feeling lost? Remember feeling confused? Remember how sharp the pain is? Remember the shock? Remember kick to the gut? Remember feeling weak? Remember feeling confused?
Remember feeling what do I do, and where to turn? You have deflected this back to him now. He sees your confidence and strength are back. He is now the one back pedaling not knowing what to do or where to turn. You are progressing very well!!

Keep reinforcing what your needs are from him. Keep communication open from both sides. You are doing great, devastated, keep working at it.

Did you ever call the circuit court clerk regarding the extended hours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> This is the behavior you have wanted to bring forward. Strength and confidence. Remember feeling lost? Remember feeling confused? Remember how sharp the pain is? Remember the shock? Remember kick to the gut? Remember feeling weak? Remember feeling confused?
> Remember feeling what do I do, and where to turn? You have deflected this back to him now. He sees your confidence and strength are back. He is now the one back pedaling not knowing what to do or where to turn. You are progressing very well!!
> ...


I was going to do it today if he stays late. I didn't know if I could call about yesterday seeings as how it's already passed.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Lovin the new pic on FB girl.. very proud of you pretty lady:smthumbup:


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Lovin the new pic on FB girl.. very proud of you pretty lady:smthumbup:


Thanks..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Lovin the new pic on FB girl.. very proud of you pretty lady:smthumbup:


I can't even type what I first thought here. My bad!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

lol...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thank goodness this jury duty is almost over. They are going back to deliberate.. :smthumbup:


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thank goodness this jury duty is almost over. They are going back to deliberate.. :smthumbup:


Devastated an lost

Will yell a big hooray for you when you update that the case is over and he is on his way home. The good news from this is you are now stronger than the beginning of the week. You said it would be hard but you got through it! Small steps as the process for R is long and difficult. Stay strong and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I guess the next time you see him, you will tie him down until you are ready to let him go.. Silk ropes are the best. It is strong soft, and does not leave burns like regular rope.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I guess the next time you see him, you will tie him down until you are ready to let him go.. Silk ropes are the best. It is strong soft, and does not leave burns like regular rope.


Lol Mr. Fisty I might just do that..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Will yell a big hooray for you when you update that the case is over and he is on his way home. The good news from this is you are now stronger than the beginning of the week. You said it would be hard but you got through it! Small steps as the process for R is long and difficult. Stay strong and God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On, He still isn't home so I took your advice & called the clerk & they are still deliberating. That took a load off my mind. I never would've known I could do that if you hadn't told me. Thanks


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Openminded said:


> In my case, it was the OW's first name. For the 30 years I remained in my marriage after DD1 and before DD2, I would flinch when I met someone with her name. That has now gone away.
> 
> You are very new to R and obviously want this to be over quickly but that's not how it works, unfortunately. It can easily take years.


I can relate.

One of my wife's cousins has the same first name as the OM. There are times that she suggests asking her cousin to help us with something (like cleaning out my late mother's storage unit), and my first reaction is to picture the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, He still isn't home so I took your advice & called the clerk & they are still deliberating. That took a load off my mind. I never would've known I could do that if you hadn't told me. Thanks


Devastated an lost

Believe it or not by even an old dog like me can learn new tricks. Why just last week I finally figured out that aluminum foil containers have tabs you press in to keep the foil from coming out of the box!!!! I've been using foil for forty....uh fifteen years now!!! So I have no doubt you would have thought to call. I am happy that you were relieved. Stay strong and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Drifting On. Now that was something I could have helped you with. Had I known you were unaware.. Lol


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On. Now that was something I could have helped you with. Had I known you were unaware.. Lol



Laughing as I type this but it just happened to me and I thought I should have used foil. I went to use saran wrap, you know that plastic that sticks to everything before you can place it on what you are intending to wrap because it sticks together and you fight like mad to save three cents to try to unravel it only after five minutes you give up and throw the damn ball of plastic wrap in the garbage and start all over again! Wow, that was a mouthful or is it a handful if you're typing?

Someone teach me how to wrap leftovers!!!! 

We all have our difficulties to deal with some are just more difficult than others. If someone comes at me with a knife no problem, wrap leftovers, that could kill me!!! Hope you are doing well, stay strong and God bless.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> :rofl:




Don't even get me going when the end sticks to the roll!! Whoever invented that stuff, that's who I want party with. He or she is obviously sadistic.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Laughing as I type this but it just happened to me and I thought I should have used foil. I went to use saran wrap, you know that plastic that sticks to everything before you can place it on what you are intending to wrap because it sticks together and you fight like mad to save three cents to try to unravel it only after five minutes you give up and throw the damn ball of plastic wrap in the garbage and start all over again! Wow, that was a mouthful or is it a handful if you're typing?
> 
> Someone teach me how to wrap leftovers!!!!
> 
> We all have our difficulties to deal with some are just more difficult than others. If someone comes at me with a knife no problem, wrap leftovers, that could kill me!!! Hope you are doing well, stay strong and God bless.


Maybe I have do have some skills that I didn't even think about.. Hahaha!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Maybe I have do have some skills that I didn't even think about.. Hahaha!


Devastated an lost

From the posts you've written it is obvious you are a great person. You have become stronger and more confident since d-day. A task that is very difficult to do. During that time you were devastated an lost. Who wouldn't be? While lost you searched to find answers and yourself. You found TAM. With the many posters on here you were shown a path to travel, much like I was. You have walked that path bravely and applied advice to your marriage. Quite a big leap of faith isn't it, I know because I did so too. That's one of the greatest things about TAM, posters have walked where you or I haven't and are incredible human beings to help someone they have never met. 

I believe you have more skills than you give yourself credit for. I believe you can accomplish what you want if you work hard to achieve it. But when your confidence is gone and you are lost, simple tasks become difficult. You have changed very much since your first post, and you will keep changing becoming stronger and more confident each day. So you devastated have many gifts and talents to share with the world. The power to share these gifts and talents come from within you, and being a great person as you are don't be selfish. Share these two qualities you possess and watch the world unfold around you. What you lack in expierience on a resume is minor, at the interview you will shine brightly. Stay strong and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> From the posts you've written it is obvious you are a great person. You have become stronger and more confident since d-day. A task that is very difficult to do. During that time you were devastated an lost. Who wouldn't be? While lost you searched to find answers and yourself. You found TAM. With the many posters on here you were shown a path to travel, much like I was. You have walked that path bravely and applied advice to your marriage. Quite a big leap of faith isn't it, I know because I did so too. That's one of the greatest things about TAM, posters have walked where you or I haven't and are incredible human beings to help someone they have never met.
> 
> ...


Thanks Drifting On. I needed to here something good this morning. My weekend didn't go very well. I was watching the movie ghost & I got teary eyed I never cry over a movie & my H ask what was the matter & I just blurted out that's how we use to be without thinking. He got upset & ask what do you mean "Use to be" & I said before someone came between us. He was shocked that I thought she was still between us. As according to him she's not a part of our lives anymore. This set off a chain of events & Now were back to I can't let it go. & to make matters worse after being quit smoking for 3 years I started back when all this mess started & I'm trying to quit again. Hope you had a better weekend than I did..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Recovery ebbs and flows and him expecting you to be past her at this point is unrealistic. 2 to 5 years is the norm.


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## Eleftherios (Aug 15, 2013)

Devastated,

Sorry your here amongst us. I know it's very hard right now. In time they fade away. Your still in the early stages of it and it does get easier. For me it took about a year before they stopped effecting me. They were quite frequent and had devasting results on my psyche and over all physical being. Not trying to bring you down just relaying my situation. My best advice is to go do something to take your mind off of it. That worked for me. And when your having a trigger and the WW asks don't pull any punches and lay it out for them how your feeling. I'm not a mean person but sugar coating and leaving gray area is not me. There feelings are not off limits from being hurt just as yours were. Hope you can salvage some Christmas spirit. I know the first one after DDay was rough for me. Good luck in your journey.

Eleftherios


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Eleftherios said:


> Devastated,
> 
> Sorry your here amongst us. I know it's very hard right now. In time they fade away. Your still in the early stages of it and it does get easier. For me it took about a year before they stopped effecting me. They were quite frequent and had devasting results on my psyche and over all physical being. Not trying to bring you down just relaying my situation. My best advice is to go do something to take your mind off of it. That worked for me. And when your having a trigger and the WW asks don't pull any punches and lay it out for them how your feeling. I'm not a mean person but sugar coating and leaving gray area is not me. There feelings are not off limits from being hurt just as yours were. Hope you can salvage some Christmas spirit. I know the first one after DDay was rough for me. Good luck in your journey.
> 
> Eleftherios


Thanks Elfeftherios, Sometimes it gets overwhelming & you want to just give up.


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## Eleftherios (Aug 15, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks Elfeftherios, Sometimes it gets overwhelming & you want to just give up.


Yes it does. The anguish is overwhelming at times and I understand it full well. As the saying goes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Its hard pushing that rock up the hill but once you get to the top it's more of a pebble that only creates small ripples in your pond of awesomeness


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks Drifting On. I needed to here something good this morning. My weekend didn't go very well. I was watching the movie ghost & I got teary eyed I never cry over a movie & my H ask what was the matter & I just blurted out that's how we use to be without thinking. He got upset & ask what do you mean "Use to be" & I said before someone came between us. He was shocked that I thought she was still between us. As according to him she's not a part of our lives anymore. This set off a chain of events & Now were back to I can't let it go. & to make matters worse after being quit smoking for 3 years I started back when all this mess started & I'm trying to quit again. Hope you had a better weekend than I did..


Devastated an lost

I'm sorry to hear about your weekend, mine wasn't much better. I have some answers for you!!! Movie selections now must star John candy, no deviating from this. No more ghost, steel magnolias... Throw away the chick flicks. Replace with John candy. Smoking, do I dare ask smoking what? If its camel or Marlboro that's fine, well sort of. But the solution for that is simple too, chewing tobacco!! I prefer skoal, but you could use Copenhagen if need be. I think I'm getting the hang of this helping people out, what do you think??!!! I sent you my real answers in a pm. Stay strong devastated, Fod bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Just to let you know triggers never go away. they just become a part of your every day life. But they do get easer to suppress over time. You just learn to deal with them. but I also believe this is only possible with WS help. They are the key to triggers I think. For instance my WW likes to drive that's her alone thinking time I guess. Even thou not so mush any more, she has a habbit off driving around the intersection were the other man apartment is. I have no problem with her alone time But I don't understand way she has to drive around his place. some times she goes out of her way to go around his place. These cause me triggers like the one I am getting right now talking about this. We live in a big city so way drive around the same stupid intersection were his apartment is. If asked way 

Answers are 

I like the drive around there ( like you not going to look at that direction when driving by ) yah right !!!
I drove on the other side of the road this time going the other direction ( like that's spose to make me feel batter ) what ever !!
Oh I was testing you to see if you were watching. ( what the hell is wrong with her ) she thinks that's funny. not funny !!!!!!!! 

Like I said if they love you and truly over the OM/OW then they will stop doing some thing that obesly bothers you when you ask them the first time. 

On the other hand I have to say trigger help in one particular way. They make you stronger over time. You start not to put up with there inconsideration, ignorance and selfishness. Triggers helped me lose up and let go. I for one am 2/3 of the way in packing her **** putting it out side the door and wile she is looking at me all puzzled, slamming the door on her face spit out what little love I have left for her and completely cut her out of my life and never look back all thanks to her and triggers. 

But I am saying this in a trance of a trigger. Ok I have to take a 20, count to 100 flying pigs and cool down
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

dkphap13 said:


> Just to let you know triggers never go away. they just become a part of your every day life. But they do get easer to suppress over time. You just learn to deal with them. but I also believe this is only possible with WS help. They are the key to triggers I think. For instance my WW likes to drive that's her alone thinking time I guess. Even thou not so mush any more, she has a habbit off driving around the intersection were the other man apartment is. I have no problem with her alone time But I don't understand way she has to drive around his place. some times she goes out of her way to go around his place. These cause me triggers like the one I am getting right now talking about this. We live in a big city so way drive around the same stupid intersection were his apartment is. If asked way
> 
> Answers are
> 
> ...


I know that's got to be hard. The OW lives just around the block from where my H works. If he does that at least I don't have to know about it, But I do think about it & it would trigger me if I found out. They just don't get it. They will never know all the damage they've done.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I'm sorry to hear about your weekend, mine wasn't much better. I have some answers for you!!! Movie selections now must star John candy, no deviating from this. No more ghost, steel magnolias... Throw away the chick flicks. Replace with John candy. Smoking, do I dare ask smoking what? If its camel or Marlboro that's fine, well sort of. But the solution for that is simple too, chewing tobacco!! I prefer skoal, but you could use Copenhagen if need be. I think I'm getting the hang of this helping people out, what do you think??!!! I sent you my real answers in a pm. Stay strong devastated, Fod bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On, I get what you're saying. You are getting good at this. I need to become a man. Hmm, That just might work.. :rofl:


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, I get what you're saying. You are getting good at this. I need to become a man. Hmm, That just might work.. :rofl:



No, no, no, no, sex changes or dressing in drag!!!! The lady and person you are is great!! Don't change that part (or parts, anatomy) of yourself!! 

Devastated an lost, I hope you have a better day today and were able to discuss this with your husband. I hope he realizes that just because the affair ended for him it doesn't end for you so easily. A WS will never fully understand what you go through. You need to communicate with each other and guide each other. I needed to show my WW what her affair did to me. I wrote down the time every time the affair came to mind. Even I was stunned at how often I thought of it. It worked out to almost every seven minutes I thought of ww's affair in the beginning. 

Don't panic it gets better, at almost eleven months out I'm all the way up to every eight minutes!!! It does get better just talk through your triggers and keep your fingers away from the other triggers!! Best wishes and stay strong. God bless.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> No, no, no, no, sex changes or dressing in drag!!!! The lady and person you are is great!! Don't change that part (or parts, anatomy) of yourself!!
> 
> Devastated an lost, I hope you have a better day today and were able to discuss this with your husband. I hope he realizes that just because the affair ended for him it doesn't end for you so easily. A WS will never fully understand what you go through. You need to communicate with each other and guide each other. I needed to show my WW what her affair did to me. I wrote down the time every time the affair came to mind. Even I was stunned at how often I thought of it. It worked out to almost every seven minutes I thought of ww's affair in the beginning.
> 
> Don't panic it gets better, at almost eleven months out I'm all the way up to every eight minutes!!! It does get better just talk through your triggers and keep your fingers away from the other triggers!! Best wishes and stay strong. God bless.


I couldn't pull that off if I tried. I'm just to Darn cute! lol


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I couldn't pull that off if I tried. I'm just to Darn cute! lol


I'll take your word on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I'll take your word on that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can take that to the bank. My word is as good as I am cute! :smthumbup:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> You can take that to the bank. My word is as good as I am cute! :smthumbup:



And you can take my word on it... she's cute!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> And you can take my word on it... she's cute!


Blossom's got my back.. We cute girls stick together. Lol


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Blossom's got my back.. We cute girls stick together. Lol


:smthumbup:


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I couldn't pull that off if I tried. *I'm just to Darn cute!* lol


Ah ha! I thought so!!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> You can take that to the bank. My word is as good as I am cute! :smthumbup:


I've been told I look like brad Pitts twin brother, after I fell from the ugly tree hitting every branch on the way down. Some people are even nicer and say I hit some branches twice!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> And you can take my word on it... she's cute!


That explains my uh oh many posts ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Blossom's got my back.. We cute girls stick together. Lol


I'm shocked.... Two girls sticking together! Never saw that coming!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> :smthumbup:


Even more shock!!!!! A smiley face!!!!! Never seen you use that before!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I've been told I look like brad Pitts twin brother, after I fell from the ugly tree hitting every branch on the way down. Some people are even nicer and say I hit some branches twice!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I bet you're just being modest. I've always had you pictured as the suave James Bond type..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I bet you're just being modest. I've always had you pictured as the suave James Bond type..


Ahh, yes, a man can dream. Too accurately describe myself, Tasmanian devil wrapped up in Elmer Fudd!!!! Of course, I'm shy too, but that's hard to see on the internet!! Honestly, I'm just your average, run of the mill Joe. But you can keep seeing me as James bond!!!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Ahh, yes, a man can dream. Too accurately describe myself, Tasmanian devil wrapped up in Elmer Fudd!!!! Of course, I'm shy too, but that's hard to see on the internet!! Honestly, I'm just your average, run of the mill Joe. But you can keep seeing me as James bond!!!


 :smthumbup:


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks Drifting On. I needed to here something good this morning. My weekend didn't go very well. I was watching the movie ghost & I got teary eyed I never cry over a movie & my H ask what was the matter & I just blurted out that's how we use to be without thinking. He got upset & ask what do you mean "Use to be" & I said before someone came between us. He was shocked that I thought she was still between us. As according to him she's not a part of our lives anymore. This set off a chain of events & Now were back to I can't let it go. & to make matters worse after being quit smoking for 3 years I started back when all this mess started & I'm trying to quit again. Hope you had a better weekend than I did..


Dear D a l,

It seems like your FWH is still not grasping the full impact of his infidelity.

Have you considered directing him here (or to some other, similar site, if you're not comfortable with him seeing your posts) to get some coaching on what it takes to repair a marriage that has been damaged by adultery?

It might help him come to a fuller understanding of what the two of you are up against in trying to reconcile and make him more sensitive to your feelings and moods.

Just a thought.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

This thread is getting a little weird...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> This thread is getting a little weird...


...and that would be me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear D a l,
> 
> It seems like your FWH is still not grasping the full impact of his infidelity.
> 
> ...


Yes I have told him he should find a sight that he could talk to someone, But he won't. He says he don't want people judging him..


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

...soooo much cuteness in this thread.....are the kittens and puppies not far behind?????


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Don't forget the unicorns and rainbows


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

oneMOreguy said:


> ...soooo much cuteness in this thread.....are the kittens and puppies not far behind?????


OMG!!!! How did you know I'm cute???!!!! For a minute I thought you knew who I was, but if you did you wouldn't have mentioned kittens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm getting more depressed as time goes on. My H hates his job & has gone back to being miserable & complaining all the time about work. I don't know if I can go back to that. Do things usually get worse before they get better?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

That is his own issue to resolve. If I were him, I would send resume out there floating around until something better comes along. I am guessing that this is how things start sliding for him, and he needed an escape. If all he does is complain, you will most likely lose attraction for him. He needs to learn to keep his work at work, and not bring it home. If all he does is complain, and take no action to improve his life, or see what he can do to change his work environment, then he is not taking charge of his own life. He is letting everything else dictate his life, instead of taking some control.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm getting more depressed as time goes on. My H hates his job & has gone back to being miserable & complaining all the time about work. I don't know if I can go back to that. Do things usually get worse before they get better?


In my situation I had to stay different or leave.

I chose to cultivate an environment of positive, love, compassion, no abuse, personal responsibility and fun and asked my H to partner with me.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> That is his own issue to resolve. If I were him, I would send resume out there floating around until something better comes along. I am guessing that this is how things start sliding for him, and he needed an escape. If all he does is complain, you will most likely lose attraction for him. He needs to learn to keep his work at work, and not bring it home. If all he does is complain, and take no action to improve his life, or see what he can do to change his work environment, then he is not taking charge of his own life. He is letting everything else dictate his life, instead of taking some control.


He has told me this is why he started talking to the OW He is a mechanic & she came in & noticed how hectic things where & later called to see if he was ok. That's how the A started. That's what makes it hard for me to see him go back to that. When I try to talk to him about work he gets mad & says he don't want to talk about it, But yet he complains.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> In my situation I had to stay different or leave.
> 
> I chose to cultivate an environment of positive, love, compassion, no abuse, personal responsibility and fun and asked my H to partner with me.


That's what I've been trying to do Blossom, But it's hard when he won't talk to me.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You simply disengage, and do not let him draw you into his drama. Start going out with friends. If someone does not listen, you show him the actions of you not bothering to deal with it. When a child throws a tantrum, you ignore the behavior until they learn that that will get them nowhere. He is a child throwing a tantrum. Funny thing about working in the child development field, most of those tools are actually helpful in dealing with adults.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You simply disengage, and do not let him draw you into his drama. Start going out with friends. If someone does not listen, you show him the actions of you not bothering to deal with it. When a child throws a tantrum, you ignore the behavior until they learn that that will get them nowhere. He is a child throwing a tantrum. Funny thing about working in the child development field, most of those tools are actually helpful in dealing with adults.


It really hurts that he would talk to her about it & when I try to be there for him he shuts me out. I can't help but worry that it will happen again. I won't go through this again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> It really hurts that he would talk to her about it & when I try to be there for him he shuts me out. I can't help but worry that it will happen again. I won't go through this again.


Nor should you. TAM will be here for you, either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Nor should you. TAM will be here for you, either way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks MattMatt, I'm scared. I feel like I'm doing all the work & it's not a big deal to him.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Bad thing about psychology, you can learn to manipulate people into taking certain actions. So what can you do? Start withdrawing. Keep creating that individual lifestyle, and continue the detachment. Keep making friends that are personally yours, and keep in contact with them. Because of the oxytocin hormone coursing through him, once he senses you withdrawing from him, he will want to cling to you. Oxytocin is called the bonding hormone for a reason, he will want to keep that bond. If he is in love with you, you will see a change in his behavior when he is on the verge of losing something precious to him. Remember how you felt like when you thought you were going to lose him, you wanted to keep him close to you and hold on. Same concept.

If this fails, you will be an independent person who is fine without him. That is another goal of this process. Because you have separated yourself from him enough to not put up with his b.s., and you will have a support system of the new friends you have created. Friends ar good at helping us find jobs, acting as a reference, and helping us land on our feet as long as we are not too prideful in asking for help.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I was so in hopes that he had seen what a mistake he had made and would work like crazy to make it up to you. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, Devastated.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> It really hurts that he would talk to her about it & when I try to be there for him he shuts me out. I can't help but worry that it will happen again. I won't go through this again.


I brought up this exact fear to our therapist. Communication, you both need to communicate to build walls so he only comes to you with issues. Not some OW or even his secretary. You WH lacks in boundaries, you need to tell him he comes to you. 

Reconciliation is a leap of faith, you have no guarantees this will not happen again. Our therapist said we didn't have that same guarantee before WW's affair either. However now I know my WW is capable of infidelity. So that makes the leap of faith more difficult.

Be careful with the depression, it hits fast and hard and can overwhelm you. You need to seek help when you no longer find pleasure in the things you like to do. I used to love to listen to music loud while driving with the Windows down. Not anymore, most times I won't even turn the radio on now. 

Devastated, you need to make him engage this reconciliation, it won't work with only one of you working at it. If he doesn't engage you will need to tell him what is slipping through his fingers. Also be careful you don't start building resentment towards him as this will end reconciliation also. Stay strong devastated.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

It is so true that it is not going to matter who you are with, there is no guarantee. Are there people out there who have a track record of not cheating, yes and you can stack the odds in your favor by moving on, but you can also stack the odds in your favor which someone who chooses intentionally to never cheat again. Him shutting you out is not cool. He has to authentically heal or he will do it again. 

I agree with Fisty... detach, but in a fun healthy way. Focus on feeling and being beautiful. You aren't going to be able to prevent women from paying him attention nor will you be able to prevent him from choosing someone else. But you can choose to not hold yourself hostage to that fear.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks everybody. I'm trying hard to look on the bright side of things. He does have his good moments, But only when he wants to talk about it. Every time we have a good day he thinks it's all over now & I shouldn't have days where I feel down. It shocks him every time I'm not in a cheerful mood he will say well I thought you where ok now.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Its why I wish you guys would do the class we did. It is explained in the first video that it takes 2 to 5 years.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Its why I wish you guys would do the class we did. It is explained in the first video that it takes 2 to 5 years.


How do I take it?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There are weekend options.

There is also a 13 week teleconference option.

www.affairrecovery.com

If he refuses, they still have classes for just the betrayed spouses to help you heal. And supporting articles.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> There are weekend options.
> 
> There is also a 13 week teleconference option.
> 
> ...


Thanks I'll check it out & see what he says..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks I'll check it out & see what he says..


Devastated,

First let me say I'm sorry for what I'm going to tell you, I'll try to be nice about it though. Your answer should have been, thanks I will sign us up and if he refuses I will file for divorce. I am keeping in mind that at times he does the right thing but too often is causing you more pain. He seems determined to rug sweep what he has done. That will not help you. It will come back later and be worse. Again, I'm sorry for being harsh, but you need to begin protecting you. Stay strong and God bless.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated,
> 
> First let me say I'm sorry for what I'm going to tell you, I'll try to be nice about it though. Your answer should have been, thanks I will sign us up and if he refuses I will file for divorce. I am keeping in mind that at times he does the right thing but too often is causing you more pain. He seems determined to rug sweep what he has done. That will not help you. It will come back later and be worse. Again, I'm sorry for being harsh, but you need to begin protecting you. Stay strong and God bless.


Drifting On, I know you're right. He was in a good mood last night & I was afraid to bring it up. If he agrees to take it with me. It will really surprise me. More than likely it will start another fuss. He has made some changes, But I don't know how much I should expect. Is it enough, will he continue to make changes as we go or is this the best he can do. I don't know. It's hard to know how far to push when I do see him trying. Most times I just don't know what I should do.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I understand it is hard to know for sure when you are in the middle of it if what has been done is enough.

For me, I really struggled by the fourth month. I had to have outside help. 

I had so many unresolved issues that I wanted something comprehensive to make sure we were addressing the underlying problems. 

Took him about three months to agree to take it. I hope he doesn't give you as much flack about it as mine gave me.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I understand it is hard to know for sure when you are in the middle of it if what has been done is enough.
> 
> For me, I really struggled by the fourth month. I had to have outside help.
> 
> ...


Oh I'm sure he will Blossom. It's hard to rock the boat when things are finally going smooth.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I know Girl.

Your heart is going to look for emotional closure until it finds it, though. 

Our class isn't the only resource out there.

I would get the closure you need however you need to get it that is healthy.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Oh I'm sure he will Blossom. It's hard to rock the boat when things are finally going smooth.


Devastated,

I sent you a pm about twenty minutes ago, can you let me know if you got it?

I asked my WW to go to MC and she said yes. I think WW was scared as she had never seen me so lost and confused. So rock the boat devastated, capsize it if you must but get help through this if you need it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sometimes rocking the boat is needed for change to occur. That is how dynamics change, and habits usually are reassessed. Without a little chaos to shake ones world, we rarely get the hint that something has to be different. He believe going back to the norm is fine. He needs something to disrupt that world view.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> My H had an appointment with in walking distance from where OW works today. I had an appointment a couple of hours before his & was close by. He stopped by & surprised me., But that only upset me more. It made me think about him meeting her like that. I tried not to let it show. He meant well. Been trying to not let it get to me, But the longer he's gone the more paranoid I'm getting. How long does it take to stop being this way?


I hate to say it, but IMO, it never goes away completely. Some people will say give it time and that you can get back to some point where it doesn't consume you every day, and I do believe that.

But again, IMO, you'll never completely shed it. Only way to get rid of the pain is to get rid of the source. I'm not suggesting you divorce, because you may just be able to decide that you can live with a certain amount of pain.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I agree Vellocet. And I'm not so sure it's returning to what was as much as it is emotional closure.

I will always hurt over my mother's actions, but I have emotional closure that it is what it is. Knowing I did the right thing. Peace with myself and God.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I will ask him about it, But I dread it. He thinks I'm crazy for talking to people on TAM. He has always been one with any kind of problem to patch it up, Keep it to himself & move on.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated,
> 
> I sent you a pm about twenty minutes ago, can you let me know if you got it?
> 
> I asked my WW to go to MC and she said yes. I think WW was scared as she had never seen me so lost and confused. So rock the boat devastated, capsize it if you must but get help through this if you need it.


Yes I did thanks..


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I will ask him about it, But I dread it. He thinks I'm crazy for talking to people on TAM.



That's because he knows we are telling you things he doesn't want you to hear. We just might help you stand up to him. He surely doesn't want that.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

vellocet said:


> That's because he knows we are telling you things he doesn't want you to hear. We just might help you stand up to him. He surely doesn't want that.


Yeah, I've surprised him a few times. One time he even said I don't know what to say I'm not use to you talking back to me..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Yeah, I've surprised him a few times. One time he even said I don't know what to say I'm not use to you talking back to me..


That was almost what my H said. When I stopped accepting his anger, he had NO idea how to approach me and it took him a while to figure it out.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That was almost what my H said. When I stopped accepting his anger, he had NO idea how to approach me and it took him a while to figure it out.


That's the same way my H is. He says he's afraid to talk to me because he's not use to me getting upset & throwing it back to him. I told him he can't expect to get through this with no emotions. The day I saw their text the person I was disappeared. She was destroyed.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's the same way my H is. He says he's afraid to talk to me because he's not use to me getting upset & throwing it back to him. I told him he can't expect to get through this with no emotions. The day I saw their text the person I was disappeared. She was destroyed.


Atta girl!!! Stay strong. Make him face consequences. That girl did disappear devastated, she was complete destroyed to ashes. And now a new devastated will emerge from those ashes. Stronger, more tenacious, stronger personality, more confident, more self esteem, better perseverance, and nice. Until...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Don't be afraid to BE the new you. 

She will be more glorious than before.

If he can handle the new you... GREAT

If not... oh well...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That was almost what my H said. When I stopped accepting his anger, he had NO idea how to approach me and it took him a while to figure it out.


Just asking, are you a fan of NASCAR? You would be a perfect female equivalent of the intimidator!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Just asking, are you a fan of NASCAR? You would be a perfect female equivalent of the intimidator!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL... I used to watch it more than I watch now. Very rarely do I watch it now. But I LOVED the big D... true competitor in every sense of the word, loved, respected. I was heartbroken when he died. So, I definitely take that compliment as intended. Thank you... honored.


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