# HOW LONG UNTIL.....:scratchhead:



## beachbabe

*....You're a success story???*

We all are here because we've recently reconciled right? So how long do you think its going to take until you think that you've 'made it'??
Its been a one and half years for me...? Things are surprising great and I think that we haven't been closer...BUT....
I find that I still want to have his every move monitored. I have checked here and there when the temptation is too much, and I have to say I haven't found anything! I believe me, I can find anything.

Someone said that its because we feel if we get to comfortable, we could be caught off guard and be badly hurt again! Oh, and how bad that pain would be...especially the second time around! I think it would kill me for being so stupid and trusting!

So how long was it for you? 
Or if somewhat recent...when do you think it will be for the both of you?


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## jupiter13

Well it's been 2 yr. 2 months and While he is moving forward I am not really. I still cry everyday, I think about it always. It's been 2 weeks since I have slept in the same bed and sex might be good but afterwards I am still haunted by the unanswered questions. I am still triggering without any support from him and he often gets all his hair raised feeling like I am not responding to him when he couldn't take ten minutes for me all day. If it's been 2 years now I would say in another 2 years I might be able to stop crying a couple more after that and I might stop checking up on him. Then we can add an additional two for continued pain and suffering for the beating he gave me while confessing that has triggered the abuse from my past that I will have to deal with again. What was that 6 more years? Then we can add another lifetime before I will ever be able to trust him enough to allow myself to be open up and be completely open with him. So I would say it will be when I am cold stone dead before anything will be right again.


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## hibiscus

My relationship turned for the better 13 months after Dday. I was feeling really happy and secure with him. Sometimes I would trigger but they didn't last long and I didn't feel the need to speak to him about it.
But he lied to me three weeks ago and that has knocked me back a lot. My wound has reopened and I don't trust him again. I am having a really bad day today


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## firebelly1

For me I don't know that it's a time issue necessarily - it's seeing things change and stay changed. You do need to see the change sustained over time, but it depends on what the change is that determines how much time. Sounds like you dealt with infidelity? Seems to me - and I would check with the infidelity threads - but its reasonable that you would need reassurances and he should be willing to give them to you. And it should be out in the open - you tell him you are going to check his email and he needs to be willing to show it to you or give you his password, or whatever. Things like that. If he's being secretive about anything, it would be understandable that you would feel insecure.


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## beachbabe

jupiter13 said:


> Well it's been 2 yr. 2 months and While he is moving forward I am not really. I still cry everyday, I think about it always. It's been 2 weeks since I have slept in the same bed and sex might be good but afterwards I am still haunted by the unanswered questions. I am still triggering without any support from him and he often gets all his hair raised feeling like I am not responding to him when he couldn't take ten minutes for me all day. If it's been 2 years now I would say in another 2 years I might be able to stop crying a couple more after that and I might stop checking up on him.


Holy! Two years!! So sorry about your situation! I think you should try and make a conscious effort to not 'go there' in your head! 
I have to say the best year we had together was the first year. I know, weird huh?? After I found out every little greasy, gory deal; we went to counselling. Our C told us to forget the past; make a conscious effort to forget the details and every time you 'go' there in your head; *throw it out!* I have to say that it worked for me! (remember too; HE CHOSE YOU) 
SOOOO...why did I relapse after an amazing year??

I think for me, I thought I was 'healthy' enough to go back 'in my head', and analyze the details. I allowed myself to think of her. Big mistake! I have lost valuable ground by doing this. So I decided, again, to make an effort to 'not look back' and move forward. BESIDES, IF HE CAN GIVE HER UP, THEN MAYBE I SHOULD TOO! 

_FACT_*: I don't think we will ever be strong enough to look back into the situation, EVER!* We need to let it go....

My H has been great, and if I go back to doubting him and go into depression; I could push him away for good. 

Hope this helps...I have to take my own medicine too.


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## ScrewedEverything

Great thread. My wife and I are about 4 and a half years out. I'd love to know how she would answer this question but for me, after thinking about it, I don't know that I ever want to feel like we're ...
a success story/past it all/ in the clear/whatever.

I know that sounds weird but the one thing I think I've learned is that nobody is perfect, everyone is capable of failing under the wrong set of circumstances. Although getting to a point of comfort may feel like success, comfort can turn in to complacency in the blink of an eye and complacency is the cornerstone of every wrong set of circumstances. In a perverse way, I like waking up each day and telling myself that things are not as good as they can be and that I need to work today to show that beautiful woman next to me how I feel about her. To me at least, that focus on us and the need to make an effort maintain my perspective and make everything we do have seem that much more valuable to me. Does that make any sense?


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## beachbabe

ScrewedEverything said:


> Great thread. My wife and I are about 4 and a half years out. I'd love to know how she would answer this question but for me, after thinking about it, I don't know that I ever want to feel like we're ...
> a success story/past it all/ in the clear/whatever.
> 
> I know that sounds weird but the one thing I think I've learned is that nobody is perfect, everyone is capable of failing under the wrong set of circumstances. Although getting to a point of comfort may feel like success, comfort can turn in to complacency in the blink of an eye and complacency is the cornerstone of every wrong set of circumstances. In a perverse way, I like waking up each day and telling myself that things are not as good as they can be and that I need to work today to show that beautiful woman next to me how I feel about her. To me at least, that focus on us and the need to make an effort maintain my perspective and make everything we do have seem that much more valuable to me. Does that make any sense?


WOW!:smthumbup: You are so right! Very insightful thought Screwedeverything! You might be the very person who gets me out of this funk...seriously; I think you are on to something!
If we starting thinking as 'a success story' THEN we could get complacent and comfortable...complacency is what got us in this situation in the first place! Wow, your W is a lucky girl for you to be trying all time. I think my H would agree with you wholeheartedly too. I see the effort that he is putting in to our marriage, and I'm sure that it is because he is always going to be worried about failing in our marriage again.
Maybe there's 'safety' in always being conscious of our marriage and how it is going and where we are as a couple!
Thanks so much for responding! You are so right!


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## ScrewedEverything

Beach, you're going to be ok. From everything I read, you and your husband are doing great. I know you are struggling from time to time with thoughts of what he did - the hows and whys. It's ok for you to do that and, based on how you described him, you shouldn't worry about pushing your husband away. We get it, it's what we caused and we have to help you deal with it. But maybe every time those thoughts happen, force yourself to think about the time since and how and why you are still together. Trust me, for all of the pain and anger you have had to suffer, he has suffered equal doses of guilt, shame, self-loathing and pain of a different, but no less horrible kind. How and why has he done that? Neither of you could have put up with that for the past year and a half unless you were committed, determined and driven by a deep and stubborn love for each other. That's the how and why that is important and that will ensure you are ok.

You and your husband know what you want and you've fought for it. I think its ok to take pleasure and comfort in the daily fight because that's what makes the things we want worth having.


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## cdbaker

I think for me, I approached it a little differently. Rather than worrying about whether my wife is going to cheat again, or is cheating again (and for the record, my wife had several affairs over a two year period, including going back to one of the guys repeatedly after getting caught and breaking it off repeatedly), I've just accepted that if she is going to cheat, she is going to cheat. There is nothing I can do that will prevent her from cheating if she has or will reach the point that she wants to cheat.

I decided that by snooping and constantly second guessing her, or worse, openly insisting that I be allowed to track her movements, or making it clear that she has no entitlement to privacy via her computer/phone/whatever, there is a near 100% likelihood that I will be damaging the relationship. She'll feel controlled, she'll feel smothered, she'll get tired of feeling no trust from me, she might conclude that trust can never be rebuilt, etc. There is no way that that kind of behavior and suspicion from me could not harm the marriage is a really damaging way.

Ultimately, you HAVE to reach a point where trust is reestablished. Where you have forgiven your partner and no snooping, tracking, checking up on him/her, etc. is happening at all. If you can't reach that point, then your relationship is doomed. This doesn't mean you have to be stupid. You can still keep your eyes open and notice concerning behaviors right in front of your eyes, but until a clear red line is crossed in your mind (wherever that red line may lay), you have to trust him/her at some point.

So for me, I simply made the active decision to trust her, and that was much easier for me to do when I accepted that I had no control of the situation anyway. If she is cheating on me, whether I find out today or two weeks from today, the results will be the same, so why make that possibility more likely by putting the enormous strain of distrust on the relationship up front when nothing wrong has happened?

Of course, you can only do this if you can honestly say to yourself that you believe your spouse will not cheat on you again. You don't have to believe it to be impossible, you just have to believe him/her when she says she will never cheat on you again. If you can't believe that, then again, I'd say the relationship is likely doomed.


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## 2ntnuf

There is no time limit. It's a journey of a lifetime. Do you like what you are doing? Do you want what you have? Are you happy? Growing, learning, compromising, having fun, loving and being loved in a committed relationship are the things you do every day. If they are not fun, what you want, satisfying, you may never have what you want. It is what's required for long-term success.


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## nogutsnoglory

jupiter13 said:


> Well it's been 2 yr. 2 months and While he is moving forward I am not really. I still cry everyday, I think about it always. It's been 2 weeks since I have slept in the same bed and sex might be good but afterwards I am still haunted by the unanswered questions. I am still triggering without any support from him and he often gets all his hair raised feeling like I am not responding to him when he couldn't take ten minutes for me all day. If it's been 2 years now I would say in another 2 years I might be able to stop crying a couple more after that and I might stop checking up on him. Then we can add an additional two for continued pain and suffering for the beating he gave me while confessing that has triggered the abuse from my past that I will have to deal with again. What was that 6 more years? Then we can add another lifetime before I will ever be able to trust him enough to allow myself to be open up and be completely open with him. So I would say it will be when I am cold stone dead before anything will be right again.


After reading this I have to wonder why you are staying? Doesn't sound like much remorse, respect or any of the needed items for a successful R going on with this post.


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## angrybuttrying

cdbaker said:


> I think for me, I approached it a little differently. Rather than worrying about whether my wife is going to cheat again, or is cheating again (and for the record, my wife had several affairs over a two year period, including going back to one of the guys repeatedly after getting caught and breaking it off repeatedly), I've just accepted that if she is going to cheat, she is going to cheat. There is nothing I can do that will prevent her from cheating if she has or will reach the point that she wants to cheat.
> 
> I decided that by snooping and constantly second guessing her, or worse, openly insisting that I be allowed to track her movements, or making it clear that she has no entitlement to privacy via her computer/phone/whatever, there is a near 100% likelihood that I will be damaging the relationship. She'll feel controlled, she'll feel smothered, she'll get tired of feeling no trust from me, she might conclude that trust can never be rebuilt, etc. There is no way that that kind of behavior and suspicion from me could not harm the marriage is a really damaging way.
> 
> Ultimately, you HAVE to reach a point where trust is reestablished. Where you have forgiven your partner and no snooping, tracking, checking up on him/her, etc. is happening at all. If you can't reach that point, then your relationship is doomed. This doesn't mean you have to be stupid. You can still keep your eyes open and notice concerning behaviors right in front of your eyes, but until a clear red line is crossed in your mind (wherever that red line may lay), you have to trust him/her at some point.
> 
> So for me, I simply made the active decision to trust her, and that was much easier for me to do when I accepted that I had no control of the situation anyway. If she is cheating on me, whether I find out today or two weeks from today, the results will be the same, so why make that possibility more likely by putting the enormous strain of distrust on the relationship up front when nothing wrong has happened?
> 
> Of course, you can only do this if you can honestly say to yourself that you believe your spouse will not cheat on you again. You don't have to believe it to be impossible, you just have to believe him/her when she says she will never cheat on you again. If you can't believe that, then again, I'd say the relationship is likely doomed.


I have to say I agree with you and this is the approach I have taken. Can't live my life as a spy, nor will I live it with my head in the sand (or under the rug). I have checked a few times, and have found nothing, nor have I found even the hint of impropriety. 

I actively chose to trust her wholeheartedly, and I told her so. Can't control her, can't stop her from cheating again, etc. - all I can do is be the best person I can be, and focus on the relationship and work hard every day to not take her, the kids, the dog, my life, etc. for granted. 

Thanks.


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## beachbabe

Ultimately by staying and working things out, we know that we have to try and trust them again....or why bother?


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