# Is it Ok for a Spouse to inform friends of Prior Crush?



## CuriousIam (Aug 17, 2011)

Would it be accpetable for your spouse when looking to reconnect with friends from childhood to let the friend know that they had a crush on them back in the day?

How would you interpret that information if you received the email?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If I received such a thing I would view this as an open invitiation.



CuriousIam said:


> Would it be accpetable for your spouse when looking to reconnect with friends from childhood to let the friend know that they had a crush on them back in the day?
> 
> How would you interpret that information if you received the email?


I will answer this in a different way though. She should not be reconnecting with anyone she had a crush on whether she tells them of not. 

If she tells them she is overtly fishing and looking for some interaction. 

If she does not tell them she is covertly looking for something outside of the marriage or at least doing something very risky and ill advised.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

:iagree: with Entropy. It is fine to reveal prior crushes to a spouse. It is never okay to contact prior crushes while you are married. Your commitment needs to be to your spouse.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

It is NOT ok. Your spouse IS fishing. This is EXACTLY how I have seen affairs start. It starts by revealing crushes(which may not have really existed) then moves into talking about how things "could have been". If the spouse keeps at it long enough, eventually they will come across someone with low self esteem and set the hook.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Now maybe this is the difference between male and female, but if someone I knew as a kid emailed me and wrote 'I had a crush on you when we were kids' I would be really amused. And totally uninterested. I would tell my husband, we'd have a good laugh, and then I'd be trying to figure out who was responsible for giving the person in question my email so I could call them up and chew them out.
I don't comprehend the urge to get back in touch with people from childhood. I've kept in touch with the people I cared about from back then. I didn't care about the rest then, I could care less now. If I don't have their phone and address, don't already know their spouse, kids, and pets names, I just don't care.
Yeah, you guessed it, I don't have a Facebook account either.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

See, to me, this is the one time it depends on the individuals involved. I've done this with a close friend, knowing that she felt the same way (she too being married) and we both kinda chuckled and have never gone down that road again, because we respect our proper boundaries. Now we just talk about kids and life, etc.

You gotta know who you are dealing with. Another girl i know, i know she liked me than and still likes me, she's not stable, so if i were to inform her of past feelings, that could lead to something on her part.

Not going there.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Sameold said:


> Now maybe this is the difference between male and female, but if someone I knew as a kid emailed me and wrote 'I had a crush on you when we were kids' I would be really amused. And totally uninterested. I would tell my husband, we'd have a good laugh, and then I'd be trying to figure out who was responsible for giving the person in question my email so I could call them up and chew them out.
> I don't comprehend the urge to get back in touch with people from childhood. I've kept in touch with the people I cared about from back then. I didn't care about the rest then, I could care less now. If I don't have their phone and address, don't already know their spouse, kids, and pets names, I just don't care.
> Yeah, you guessed it, I don't have a Facebook account either.



I wonder the same thing. It's like some people never get past the age of 6. LOL


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

What would you tell someone that for? Conformation that there was mutual feelings in the past? REALLY. 

I would be mad as crap if my H was out to disclose these things. One it was the past and should remain there and two what the heck does it matter what was felt in the past for another person.......just replying to this makes me a bit upset. 

Nope not ok and tell them to knock it off. what is that quote stupid is as stupid does.........this is just a stupid thing to do.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

No if your in a relationship then theres no need to talk about feelings you may have had in the past its called a past for a reason


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

I think that it depends on the situation. We're all capable of developing (or rekindling) physical or emotional attraction to someone other than our spouses. If we value our commitment to our spouses then we stay away from those people, or at least keep them at arm's length if it is not possible to stay away from them. Revealing an old crush to the person is only a problem if there is a hope, intention, or expectation to renew that crush. 

I think in most cases it would be awkward for one or both parties so it's hard to see what purpose it would serve. I think that I'd only reveal an old crush to someone if we later developed a friendship and I felt we'd both just get a good laugh from it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No, I don't think so.
It might be okay to say something like, "I really liked the way he flipped his hair out of his eyes..." or 'Boy, she could really dance to the Rubber Band Man' but to flat out say you had a crush, what would be the point? You're not the same person you were, really, in the throngs of adolesence. It's better to focus on your PERCEPTION of others at that time. Not creep people out by saying things that aren't relevant to the current status quo of relationships. Unless you want to upset the apple cart. Then, it's still not okay, but for different reasons.

My husband and his sisters told me about how my H licked some girl's p*ssy in a closet, then his sisters invited her to a party, and giggled and said OMG, does she (me) know that so-and-so is here...then they spent two hours sitting around while my H talked to this woman. I had to go and find them, they were all in a back room, sort of abandoning me. My H didn't even come to look for me at all. At one point, this woman turned to me and said, this must be pretty boring, listening to our childhood. Then my H kept talking to her. I'm so glad that part of my life is over. 

I do think it is best to remember specific characteristics of other people when they were younger, to give them the assurance that you do remember them, and in a positive way. But I would not discuss crushes. If your friends didn't know you had crushes on them when you were kids, then it wasn't really a good crush, it was an obsession, and that's just creepy at any age.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

When I met my H we were just teenagers one summer and then when we ran into eachother again as young adults I told him, "Man I was so in "puppy love" with you back then." Now we are married. Difference is that we were single when this crush on him was revealed to him by me. 

Married people should not rehash through old feelings and disclose this to that person. Really it is begging to get burnt. Would it be ok for you to do this? Have you asked your spouse if you can hunt down people you had a crush on once and tell them??? 

I think it is unwise. I don't even tell people when I think they are good looking (hint at attraction) it is just a poor choice in my opinion.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I kind of looking at this thread with interest. I contacted and old friend from 22 years ago. We where only friends but at different times I think both of us wanted to be more. We were never in sync though, we never dated.

Many years ago I said something to her that ticked her off. I thought she over reacted though, she told me to never talk to her again.

We have some common friends ect so I did not want to ignore her on facebook. I sent her the standard "hey how are you doing" waited a few weeks and got nothing back. So I sent another message saying "wow you are still pissed after all these years." The next day she replied very warmly. Not overly warmly.

I accepted her excuse. So at this point just like other friends I jump to the point to catch up on life. Some of the conversation was what the heck was that about so many years ago. And just like that she stopped responding.

I can tell you that my intentions were not bad. I guess she thought otherwise. I do not know. Was I inappropriate?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> No, I don't think so.
> It might be okay to say something like, "I really liked the way he flipped his hair out of his eyes..." or 'Boy, she could really dance to the Rubber Band Man' but to flat out say you had a crush, what would be the point? You're not the same person you were, really, in the throngs of adolesence. It's better to focus on your PERCEPTION of others at that time. Not creep people out by saying things that aren't relevant to the current status quo of relationships. Unless you want to upset the apple cart. Then, it's still not okay, but for different reasons.
> 
> *My husband and his sisters told me about how my H licked some girl's p*ssy in a closet, then his sisters invited her to a party, and giggled and said OMG, does she (me) know that so-and-so is here...then they spent two hours sitting around while my H talked to this woman. I had to go and find them, they were all in a back room, sort of abandoning me. My H didn't even come to look for me at all. At one point, this woman turned to me and said, this must be pretty boring, listening to our childhood. Then my H kept talking to her. I'm so glad that part of my life is over. *I do think it is best to remember specific characteristics of other people when they were younger, to give them the assurance that you do remember them, and in a positive way. But I would not discuss crushes. If your friends didn't know you had crushes on them when you were kids, then it wasn't really a good crush, it was an obsession, and that's just creepy at any age.


Whhhhhaaaattt?????? Gaaahhhhh!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

CuriousIam said:


> Would it be accpetable for your spouse when looking to reconnect with friends from childhood to let the friend know that they had a crush on them back in the day?
> 
> How would you interpret that information if you received the email?


I hate the vague question posts. Are you really just asking or did this happen to you? What are the details, how is your marriage?

In 90+% of cases I would say it's a really bad sign and I certainly wouldn't appreciate it if my wife did it.

I've done it to others and that was during a time of my life that I was not happy in my marriage. My wife did it and she started an EA with it.


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