# Lost and Confused



## Upset_and_Lost (Aug 8, 2011)

So my wife just told me earlier today that she wants me out of the house tonight and that she wants a separation. 

It's been a while coming as we have basically been fighting for about a year now. 

It all started after my daughter was born and she was on maternity leave and our debt started to pile up. Once we started fighting, she would bring up things that I had done in the past, or hadn't done for her that I was starting to hear about for the very first time. For example, the day my daughter was born, at night when visiting time was over, the nurse asked me to leave. I asked my wife if she wanted me to stay three times, and each time she told me no, go home and get some rest. That night, she had a breakdown because she wasn't able to properly breast feed our daughter. She told me the next day and I apologized for not being there for her when she needed me. She said ok and that was that. A year later when our fights began, she pinpointed that as the point in our relationship when she realized that I did not love her like I said I do. 

Over the last year, we have fought about everything. We've fought about the fact that we don't yet have a house and that I never wanted to buy one the minute we got married (we married young and I was working full time while she was in university still finishing her teacher's degree). We fought about the fact that I did not want to have a baby while she was studying. Then the fights became about how my parents only acknowledge my daughter first when they see her and never take the time to say hi to my wife first. Then it became about how my comments be-little her and that I am taking away her identity and don't give her the space she needs. 

Things got really bad in June when she decided to take a trip down south with her sister and cousin. During the trip, she had apparently made up her mind that she was going to leave me when she got back. She came back and had a change of heart and wanted to work things out with me. A few days later, she "broke" up with me for the first time. It only lasted a day but when I went travelling for business a few days later, I came home on my birthday to find a wife who couldn't care less that I just came home and on my birthday for that matter. We "broke" up again for a couple of days and when we go back together, she finally agreed to marriage counselling with me, but not before ending it again for a day. When we finally went to the counsellor, things turned ugly. The counsellor had asked if we both wanted to fix this and i said yes, but she changed her mind again and said I don't know. The counsellor then suggested we come back again for separate sessions so that her and the counsellor can talk about her un-decisiveness and my wife took that as the counsellor taking my side and saying she was the cause of this all. We split up for the weekend after that appointment but then she again wanted to try things out. We lasted for three weeks at that point until we had a blow up and she packed her things and left for the week. I was distraught. I have been doing everything to make this work but little things are turning her against me. Anyways, after a week apart, she came back one last time and said that she wanted to make this work. I have tried extra hard the entire week, I gave her space, did what she wanted to do, everything she told me that I never did in the past. Then last night, during an innocent conversation, she mentioned that she didn't like it when I told her I just want her to get better, because she said it felt like she was the bad guy and going crazy. She told me she wants to fix things and just needs to sort the stuff out in her head. I responded by saying I think she should speak to someone (a therapist) to help her to work through these issues. She blew up on me and this morning told me to move out tonight and that this is it. She says she feels anxiety around me and the only way to fix it is to get rid of me.

I'm totally lost and confused about this all and am an emotional wreck from this roller coaster. I want things to work out because I love her very much but don't know what to do. I strongly feel that she has been suffering from post-partum depression but I am alone on those sentiments as her family and friends refuse to believe it. The counselling didn't help because she was afraid to seek the help and turned her back on it. Is this over for real and should i just start to try to pick up the pieces of my life, or is there a chance that I can wake up again in the near future with my wife by my side?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Man your chick sound like she has some real problems in her head. Until she can go get the help for her self then your screwed. 

The one thing I would be careful of is the fact if you leave she might be crazy enough to sue you for abandonment, so I stongly suggest you stay and if she wants out of the marriage then she should be the one that leave the marital home.


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## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

How long have you guys been together? Was she always this mentally ill or, um, mercurial to be less judgmental? I couldn't get a sense of your timeline, if this could be PPD after the baby, or what.

The guy has a good point about abandonment. Talk to a lawyer. 

I take it she did not go to her individual session with the MC. 

Well, she can't be around you anymore because of anxiety (I'm going to go out on a limb and say she experiences anxiety whether you're there or not, whatever you say or don't say); and you can't be constantly subjected to the come here/go away treatment. If she won't go to a counselor, maybe you should go to one yourself for guidance on what your role has been in this crazy dance and what affect this scenario (particularly your wife's behavior) might have on your child. Or see above re: lawyer and get off the roller coaster now.


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