# So Brief. So Confusing.



## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

I didn't know if this should go on the anxiety/depression forum, or this one.

This may sound silly, but I've been married 5 months. I've been with my wife for about 3.5 years, but we've only been married since March. In April we moved far away from our home to start a new life across the country. We figured that it was the American dream to get married and move away and build a life together.

Things were going well right up until this last month. Wife was complaining that she was feeling like her medication wasn't working. I didn't think much of it. And then she started really complaining that I was getting her down. That I was being controlling and critical of her and everything about her.

Truth: I was. I'm not happy with where I am in life. And I've been letting all that get me down, and I was being hyper critical of her and everything around me. I haven't found much happiness here. Just a lot of work. I knew it would take time, but the stress is a lot more than I thought it would be. I'm seeing a counselor right now to help me cope with my own personal issues and to help me rediscover enjoyment in my life. But that still doesn't help the current situation with my wife.

Four days ago she told me that she had a solution for our mutual problem and "her crazy." She was going to move out. She said that she needed space and that she didn't know if being married was the right identity for her.

This seemed strange to me, as she was so excited about marrying me, and about the whole move, and living with me and everything. She wanted to have a joint bank account and a joint phone plan, and a joint everything. And now she is finding herself suffocating. I get it, she wants to have her own identity. I wasn't really ever adamant about the idea of having a joint account, or most any of that joint stuff.

I think I just want to know if separation works. I don't want this marriage to end before we've even given it a real chance. Also, I feel like maybe she might be exaggerating her own feelings due to depression. I am scared and right now I feel more alone than I've felt in a long time.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I think you smothered and scared her with your anxiety, too early in your marriage, In my opinion. Women are attracted to men that are take charge, can cope through anything, can handle the worst. You must be always calm and in control at all times. You need to be the captain of your ship, with your wife as first officer.

Counseling will help. Maybe. I've been there. Me, I went on low dose SSRI meds to take the edge off so I could calm my mind down enough to think straight. After that, I made it my goal to become a captain. Having goals really helps. Also, find a hobby. A man hobby. Weights, golf, whatever. Something that gives you some goals and purpose.

Go to marriedmansexlife.com. Read up on the blogs there. Good stuff about becoming a captain.
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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Been there done that and got the T shirt also. I went through the same thing except moving further away. I see now some of the mistakes I made but hey its too late for me but Im working on improving myself. I put my wife on a pedastel was my biggest mistake. I wish you the best just try and keep your sanity through all this. Keep your head up and sometimes women will say things like this just to get out. Hang in there your not alone


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Yeah, I've been smothering the hell out of her. I guess we set ourselves up for something like this moving so far away from our support systems.

Interesting statement about being stronger. I think there's some wisdom in that. I was always so unfazed by everything before. Now I'm just a wreck. I have no idea when that went so wrong.

I think counseling will help me out with that. A lot. I'm an intelligent person, and I've been working on creating some good goals for myself. I need to get active, I know.

I just hope that some time apart to get the ship righted will be good enough to help the situation. I just really hope that she's not just saying this to get out of the marriage. She told me that she didn't know and that she needed to think about things, but I never like that statement.

The worst part about this right now is that we're not separated yet. She has moved to the other room and we're sleeping apart, and not putting on our rings. It is midnight and she's out with friends. I'm alone in a big empty room with a cat. Ugh. Thank god I have counseling every week now. I need help.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Muppets - women usually feel secure and safe with a man that can handle himself in the world. What may have happened is that when you were together for 3.5 years before marriage you had a plan and was positive. The move did not go well and the best way of handling bad outcomes to to come up with an alternative plan and work towards it. Unfortunately, if you get depressed and loss your focus she loses her confidence in you as a leader of the family. Add to that that a once loving man is unloving may have extinguished her love for you temporarily. 

You have to find the man she feel in love with. Life has ups and downs and you have to stay focused and change up when you need and redirect yourself. My husband and I went to college and professional school at the same time. We had many lean years where we ate breakfast food and salads for every meal for 6 months because it was cheap. I never lost faith in him myself or our dream. We were a team and we never blamed each other for these circumstances - who does that when you are both on the same side. It was unexpected but that's life. 

It is not hopeless just unexpected. View it as a new challenge and work as a team. Those lean times and the team work and coping strategies that we used to support each other drew us closer together. Success is even sweeter when it is hard come by with an ally at your side. Can you cultivate that attitude through your travails?
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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Umm in what way were you controlling does she say? Also has she made the statement she loves you but is not in love with you. Im sorry but I see red flags in some of this. What time is it where you live if you dont mind me asking?


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Lost - She did not say "I love you but am not in love with you." I have no idea where she stands on that. Yes, I see red flags in it, as well. I have been very domineering. (Why do you want to know the time out here?)

Catherine - I think that we were fine until we began to stagnate in our goals. I felt this happen and began to think very goal-oriented. I knew that I needed to really take charge of life, instead of sit around and mope about how it's not going right. But that was the same time as the separation.

The one thing that I know about us is that we're people who need our space from time to time. I am usually an Alpha Male. Sometimes too much so. I need to be physical in order to release a lot of my aggression. I think I've been keeping that inside me and letting it out in little hateful spats at everyone. Including my wife.

And I'm intelligent. I understand most of what's going on as it pertains to me. Being strong is not controlling. It's not domineering. It is simply being a rock and a partner. I will find the man she fell in love with. He's not too far down in there. I just hope that he will still be what she wants when he comes back out. Good points being made, here. Keep 'em coming.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

My husband is dominant and very smart. I am submissive. We had a period of learning how to mesh and some head butting in the beginning of our relationship. We were very young at the time. I am not a pushover submissive I chose to be so because it is relaxing for me. If I needed to call upon my masculine energy for my good I would and could. 

I am not exactly sure what an alpha male is but I think people get it wrong. I'd rather be with a dominant man. My experience of dominance is that it is difficult because that person is the Captain of tge ship and his chosen partner is 2nd in comand. A good Captain takes sole resposibility for the sucess of he mission, motivates his subs and supports them to accomplish the mission. This is my take of men who Id themselves as alpha males - they seem to be chest thumpers full of bluster. 

When things don't go their way they become abusive or bullies. They actually easy to twort because they are inflexible and lack the resources to inspire people and they wilt when they meet someone more alpha. They are not leaders they are loners who seem to think they have magical powers to make people do things to get them what they want. they 

Could this have happened to you and your wife? Not the weak part but the confussion about alpha and leadership and dominance? She was willing to follow until you made her a scapegoat for your disappointments.
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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Catherine - Exactly what I was trying to get at, I think. Alpha Male has good and bad sides to it. The good side is the captain of the ship aspect. The bad side is... well, what I've been doing for the past couple of months. I think that I just needed a wake up call.

To be perfectly honest, I'd rather be captain. I like the role of dominant male. For most of the relationship she enjoyed being the submissive. (In many the same ways that you do. She is NO pushover) And now that I've turned on her, she has gnashed her teeth at me. Rightfully so.

The work that I am committing myself to now is the work of becoming a good captain. A life partner that will bear the burdens with grace and strength. Because that is ultimately what I want, anyway. I don't want to control her. I want to help her. I don't want to dominate every aspect of her life, I want to be the one that she can count on in times of need. I don't want to be nasty and critical of her, I want to enable her to become the person that she is already going to become. (Because she would become that person with or without me. I would prefer with)

I am a natural leader. I always have been. I've just slacked in my motivation in a critical moment in our lives and our marriage. I now take responsibility. There are some things that are going on with her that she needs to sort out, but ultimately she is responding to me, I think. We feed off each other. (As most couples do) It will be a good challenge. And I have confidence that I will overcome this weird insecurity that I've never felt before. I only hope it's not too late.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Update: I've got regular counseling sessions set up for myself, but I'm afraid that she needs them more than me. A tether has snapped in her head, I think. She is wanting everyone to leave her alone, and now she has pretty much isolated herself from most of the people in her life. She drinks a bottle of wine every night, and she holes herself up in the other room to play around on her computer and think.

One of the things I keep coming back to through all of this is this: Yeah, I was a bit of a prick to her recently. But this change is very sudden. She went from saying that she never wanted anyone else, and that she was proud of our accomplishments, and that she loved wearing her ring, and that she loved that I loved wearing mine, and she kept looking at creating the wedding album, and that she just loves us... to saying that she doesn't know if she wants to be with ANYONE. And in the matter of a month. In fact, less than that. Two weeks. It was such a rapid shift that it caught me by surprise. And it definitely has that ring of, "love but not in love" to it right now. So I prepare for the worst.

But I just don't get it. She acts normal towards me sometimes. She even acts loving towards me sometimes. But other times she's so far removed it's confusing. I don't understand her right now, and she's not letting me do what I need to to gain more understanding.

I'm trying to take whatever action I can without smothering her. I don't want to be at her beck-and-call, and I really want her to experience this alone time. But my ultimate goal is to get her to help herself. I want her happy. I don't want to shut her out. The balance is hard. This is rambling. Sorry. I stop now.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

One other thing:

I just looked up the 180 Degrees thing, and I realized that that was pretty much what I've been doing so far. It's good to have a name to it, though, because it makes what I'm trying to accomplish a little more directed.

I still want to save my marriage. But I also want out ASAP if it's not going to happen. Either way, I think I want the bandage ripped off.

I can't push her, though. Patience is the thing. Also, self-work and self-worth. I love her with all my heart, but it's time I made it so that she doesn't have control over it.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Ah sorry the only reason I asked the time because I dont know how late is late where you was. Just take care of yourself keep your head up implement the 180 work on the things you need to work on. It is natural though if you think there might be problems to become kind of clingy because you feel something slipping so its kind of a natural reaction.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I don't think you need the 180 for this situation. She's more than likely depressed and scared because the marriage is troubled so soon into it, just like you are. Wine is a drug to numb her emotions.

Look. Be confident. Be in control. Walk by her and kiss the back of her neck. talk to her about your day. Be happy. Be fun. Take her out for ice cream. Go skating. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Just don't dote on her like a lost puppy. And NEVER EVER bring up the relationship. Talking about the relationship is weak. UNLESS SHE brings up he topic. Then you can talk about it. Like a captain, captains don't bring up thier fears. But if a shipmate brings up a fear, captain goes into mentor mode, offering learned advise.

Act towards her like nothing is wrong at all in your marriage. Act like you know exactly what needs to be done on the ship. YOUR ship!

You need o project that confidence and control. Actions are worth a thousand "I promise I will change " speeches by you. women need actions to feel that trust. Actions and confidence breed desire. Strong confident captains get laid.
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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

And get her out of that room. TELL her she's sleeping with you tonight. And every other night. 

Then get into a naked tickle fight in your bed to be playful. Roll on top of her. Hold her arms above her head. Give her a ten second kiss. Then go from there.

Captains know what they want.
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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Alpha,

Your 12:58 post is a little more viable right now than your 1:03 post. (She hates being tickled) But I get the gist of it. Be confident. Be in control. Be interested. It seems basic, but it's strangely not in this circumstance, eh? Last night she kept coming out of the other room to say little things about whatever. She looked like a kid who was sticking her toes in the water to see how it felt.

I am a naturally confident person who is in the middle of something that is sapping that confidence. Your first post to me might be the most valuable one: Find a man hobby. I used to be so active in my off time. I've trimmed down since we've moved, and I am about an 8. My job makes me work hard.

Be happy. Be fun. It's true. No one wants to be with a downer. And someone who is a constant downer will NEVER rekindle anything in a relationship. Bad poetry and tears never solved anything - just pissed people off. (I have not been writing bad poetry, just for the record)

I'll try to get her out of that room. But I don't know if she'll go for it at this juncture. She still wants space. She's actively slash-and-burn isolated herself from everyone. I might actually need to implement more "Game" on her right now than "Married Game." She needs the superficial, dangerous and fun. She already knows that I love her. I have to let her know now that I WANT her, I think.

Don't bring up the relationship. No matter how worried or invested I am. Don't bring up the relationship. Don't bring up the relationship. Don't bring up the relationship. Don't bring up the relationship...


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Today she came home from work and asked if I would stop being her friend. I was making dinner, and that question REALLY smacked of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I told her that "just like you don't know what's going to happen, neither do I." Some lightning wit I am. What I wanted to say - what I SHOULD have said - was, "right now I have no interest in being your friend. Right now I want to be your husband." But I didn't want to put pressure on her, and I didn't want to talk about the relationship.

I have been doing mostly self-work and trying to give her the space she needs while being attractive and active. It's having an interesting affect. The results that I am seeing are that she is constantly checking in with me, and constantly wanting attention. I give her the attention and listen to her. I try not to talk about myself or my day to her, and I smile a lot. I don't know what else to do. The "Married Game" doesn't seem appropriate at this juncture because of how touchy she is about space right now. I'm just trying to act like a rock and be a captain. But, to extend the metaphor, she has to accept my command again...


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

What is the captain book people refer too?


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Look up marriedmansexlife.com. It's a blog that someone has written about being a "Gamma Male", which is a combo of Alpha and Beta... ...just read it. It's interesting. It's worth a look.


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