# Two years out from DDay



## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

This forum was so helpful to me at DDay. I want to share some wisdom. First, it will be two years mid June. It still hurts like hell. You are in for a long and very painful trip. There is no shortcut and no amount of knowledge brokering is really going to help. Time. Distraction. Taking good care of yourself if you can. Maybe, get a dog... When you feel strong enough to take rejection and disappointment in the search, start dating. Instead of learning everything about cheaters and cheating, learn how to be a good partner and pick a good partner. Move on. Life is worth living. You didn't do this to anybody and somebody out there is looking for you. And, let's face it, if you stay with your cheating partner - you are lowering your standards to the gutter. We all have to make our choices, but a cheater/sex addict/whatever you choose to call them - they are no prize. If they are finished with the acting out because perhaps they undertook counseling, groups, whatever - they still are a person with a history they would rather keep hidden, and have already shown you what you are worth to them. They have displayed complete disrespect and disregard for your good in their life. You can likely do better and find a worthwhile partner or create a fabulous life without one.

OK - Mort Fertel is for sissies. If you are struggling with infidelity he doesn't have any answers for you. Trust me on that my ex-partner drug me through that bs in the early stages. Most therapists are not capable of dealing with intense trauma. Find and pay for a specialist...and even then don't expect too much.

Over time, you are going to find your partner less and less attractive. You will see them for the person they really are now that they are exposed. You aren't going to like what you see. Ugly, selfish, uncaring people. You'll see them the way others always have. You'll wonder why you didn't notice all these negatives sooner. Love really is blind.

Some folks here reminded me that men pay prostitutes because they are avoiding intimacy. Thanks for that. The problem is, you can stop using prostitutes but a lifetime of intimacy avoidance is hard to turn around. In my case, he went from absorbed in prostitutes to absorbed in men's groups and self help - I have been/continue to be/always will be just not that important.

Anyway, just some late night scribbles here. I hope someone else on this journey tells me I am dead wrong, and a relationship can survive any amount of damage. From my vantage point, that's because the person who is being asked to accomodate that mess doesn't think they can do better if they move on from the emotional abuse/trauma/degradation of a cheating spouse. But I am interested in other points of view...


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

DoneIn, I'm sorry. There are betrayeds who go years and years and still hurt. Some years ago I knew a guy who triggered even after about eight years. It was around year twelve when he finally called the M off.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think this is a very good post. I agree with it (therefore, it's a very good post  ).

For me, the loss of respect for the WS is extremely important. Seeing that person through the lens of infidelity can really clarify the image. I think the cheaters feel like they are in the power position because they are 'so important in the BS's life that they can cause this enormous pain,' and because they are 'so attractive that they have multiple people wanting them.' I don't think they realize very quickly or easily that they are truly downgraded by their actions.

So, the change in how the BS views the WS is important, in my opinion. I often comment on that with newly betrayeds. They are dancing as fast as they can to save the M, and the chances are high that a few years down the road they won't like or respect the cheater.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

No matter how far you travel in recovery, you will always "see" the WS cheating on you (in past)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So are you still in the M or no? I cant tell by your post for sure, but I think you are. If so, cut your losses and GTFO.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

I am almost 2 yrs since D-DAY. 
I chose divorce, and with kiddos involved, it hurt like hell...BUT...what brought me *peace*?

Peace of mind? Peace of heart? The peace of God even, when _thinking a couple of years_ down the road?

Knowing I would be going insane when my wife was 30 minutes late coming home from anything?
Or knowing I _deserved_ better than her and I could still be a great father to the kids she got to keep. You get one life.

And believe me, it's not been the easiest path, but undoubtedly, it was the right path...for me.


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