# Dazed and confused-Divorce is necessary?



## ulookbutudontcee (Nov 7, 2011)

Hello All,
Just out here looking for other perspectives. I am pursuing a divorce soon after 16yrs. I have 4 kids. We have never had good communication at all. She has never been a person I could go to for advice or really felt like she was that best friend. The main reason(s) for my wanting to get out is just tired of being starved for affection and SEX. Just being plain her peeps. I am a terribly affectionate person. I always want that person to know they are the most special person in the Universe to me. I did everything I could. Flowers, dates, LISTENING, church, trying to read and pray with her. She just never responded positively. furthermore, every career or investment opportunity she absolutely resisted. I FORTUNATELY pursued them to much success. She has fought me every step. She hasnt had to work in over 10 years and lives quite well. Big house, luxury car, etc etc

I know I dont love her at all. if the car is gone when i get home, i am happy. I never miss her (especially after years of lack of intimacy). I love deep and also hurt deeply. I never can trust her with my heart again. If it weren't for the kids, I would have been gone along time ago. 

She has tried to change, to her credit. But despite the efforts, I dont have anything in me for her. She admits that things were bad and knew I was suffering... I have not slept in the bedroom for years. I dont want sex or anything from her. i just want to make sure my kids are provided for. i also don't want my kids to continue to see a dad that doesnt touch or hug there mom living in the basement for the most part. Not good way to shape their minds on real relationships

My issue is how do I manage a good relationship with my kids. I dont like the city where we live and have opportunities in other cities. Is it possible to have to be a good dad from a distance. I am traveling alot now and talk with them on skype, phone etc... I would do the same if I moved away but would come back at least once a month to spend a weekend with them and send for them to come be with me at times.

Only debt is a big house that I want to sell. She can even have most of that... I want her to have enough to take care of the kids well and i would send her monthly funds to help with my kids. 

So many thoughts...so many options. Dazed and confused and looking for thoughts.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

ulookbutudontcee said:


> My issue is how do I manage a good relationship with my kids. I dont like the city where we live and have opportunities in other cities. Is it possible to have to be a good dad from a distance. I am traveling alot now and talk with them on skype, phone etc... I would do the same if I moved away but would come back at least once a month to spend a weekend with them and send for them to come be with me at times.


IMO, no, you cannot have a meaningful relationship with your kids seeing them once a month. How old are they?

Most likely, they will feel abandoned by you.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

To be the bestest dad, you do have to still make the kids an integral part of your life.
Swooping by to pick them up and take them to school each day, calling them on your off parenting days to chat (could skype daily too), planning nice meals for when you are with them, etc.

Just because you are done with your wife doesn't mean you are free to be a distant dad. Skype is better than nothing but it doesn't cut it by itself.


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## ulookbutudontcee (Nov 7, 2011)

i agree ChattyCathy. I do plan on doing more than Skype, email, phone, text, etc. I see that I now have the opportunity to have MY OWN relationship with the kids. She spent the day bad mouthing me to no end. I do not condone that behavior nor do I believe in arguing. There's no point to yelling and screaming. It ticks her off that I wont engage. I had hoped to protect the kids from unnecessary drama. I believed we could decide to be civil for their sakes, but she's thrown that out the window completely. So anyway, batting clean up and planning my divorce is all I have right now. My kids are everything, Ive stayed over 10years longer in this hell hole because of them. Tired and exhausted..dazed and confused. I want to rest from the stress at some point.
Thanks again


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## Shane Jimison (Sep 1, 2011)

I have read your entire story you both seem to be unsatisfy from each other, as you don't have good communication either on your good days. In this case, for well-being of your kids and your family better apply for divorce petition. It may be this decision look harsh to you, but it is for your well-being and your kids.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would never recommend divorce and believe marriage is for life. You dont mention if your wife also wants divorce. Why not start with just a separation.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Dazed and confused, huh? Well, I know a little about being dazed and confused!

Married 25+ years and haven't had sex in almost 9 years now. I've been living on the edge of divorce since Feb 2009 but too concerned about my kids to walk away. But get this - they're 18 and 22 now! I have stayed for far too many years and as a result, my kids have grown up watching their dad get overrun by mom - no respect, no affection, nothing. Therefore, I don't see the kids showing me a lot of respect either.

If your marriage is truly dead, my advice is to bury it and move on. Do it for you, your spouse and your kids. In the long run, everyone will be better off.


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