# Need to come clean with my wife



## means_well (Sep 1, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

I was considering posting this in the Infidelity forum, but my infidelity has been strictly financial, so it seems more appropriate here. I am preparing to come clean with my wife, and I’m really scared to be perfectly honest. I know that there is no way to sugar coat this, but if anyone has any advice on how to minimize the devastation to my wife and our marriage, I would be really grateful.

To begin with, I have had credit card debt that I have hidden from my wife for several years. She knows that we have about $23,000 in credit card debt, but there is another $40,000 that she does not know about. Frankly, I never told her because I was afraid of her reaction. I thought that I could make it go away without her ever knowing about it, since I am the one making money and paying the bills. But, I realize that was a foolish notion, especially since last year I lost my job, and was unemployed for 4 months, so instead of getting the debt reduced, it grew to what it is now.

The other effect of my past unemployment is that I fell two payments behind on the mortgage for our house. I am working again, and will eventually be able to get caught up, but it is going to take a few months. In the meantime, I have hidden this fact from her, as well. 

Keeping these secrets has made me constantly fearful of being found out, and has made me always want to avoid conversations involving money. I always knew that eventually I would have to come clean, but was not sure when. I kept hoping for a time when I would have made progress in improving these two situations. But, my wife has started monitoring our finances more closely, so if I don’t tell her soon, she is going to find out anyway. 

The problem is that her mom was recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and now she is dealing with the intense fear of losing her mom. Her mom is doing ok, and responding to chemotherapy, but I can hardly think of a worse time to break the news to her that her husband has been lying to her and that our financial situation is far worse than she thought.

I love my wife more than anything, and will never do anything like this again. I’m just really worried about how upset she is going to be. All that I know to do to is apologize profusely (and I will mean it because I truly am sorry), and be ready to show her a plan for getting caught up on the mortgage and paying down the debt.

Thank you for listening, and please…any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a budget set up?


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## means_well (Sep 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Do you have a budget set up?


Yes, and I'm checking into debt management plans, as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Sounds like you've pretty well covered everything *I*, at least, would suggest you do. You've got a budget, you've got plans to get yourself under control, you feel horrendous and plan to apologize profusely. The only thing left to do is muster up your courage and come clean. Yes, she will be mad; she will likely be furious. You know this, and you know that it is deserved. You also know that she loves you, so cling to that. You don't say how long you've been married, but if it's been long enough, I don't *think* she will leave you over it, unless you've spent that additional $40K on prostitutes.  Had to try to lighten the mood just a bit. 

It won't be easy, but you already know that. The alternative is letting her find out on her own, and that method is sure to lead to considerably more problems. The issues with her mother certainly complicate things, but don't use that as an excuse. Sit her down on a weekend, when she is relatively relaxed and tell her you need to tell her some things that are going to be hard to hear, and that you know she will be upset, and that you completely understand. Then, just spill. 

Good luck!


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## means_well (Sep 1, 2010)

Thanks, atruckersgirl. I'll report back after I tell her...assuming I survive


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Good luck!!

CCS will get most cards to 10% with a 3% monthly payment minimum. Still over 2.5K/month with a 3 year payoff approximate. The only other option is you let all accounts go 90 days late (ruin your credit for 5 years) and then settle that's what the other debt management companies are peddling.

You save the minimums you would be making to give them a lump sum payoff for 40-60% of the debt owed. So your 63k becomes 32k with ruined credit for 5 years.

CCS doesn't help your credit because all accounts are closed, but I do not believe it hurts nearly as much at multiple 90< lates on your credit report.

Good luck!!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

So...have you talked to her yet? How did it go?


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

Do it as soon as possible. My wife did a similar things to me and the fact it came out in dribs and drabs really made me lose respect for her. Come clean 100% and apologise profusely. Explain your plan to get your finances back on track. Tell her you have let her down and plan how you are going to make it up to her. 

Honesty is always the best policy w/e it's about. No-one enjoys lying.

Best of luck


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