# Pop ups and porn?



## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

I am not sure where I should post this. If this is in the wrong area please move it to the correct place. . Thank you!

I checked out my husbands phone about 3 weeks ago. I found porn and I also found a few hookup sites! My husband said when I confronted him he told me they were pop ups. Now he has lied to me about porn in the past blaming it on others etc. I want to know what you all think, were they pop ups? Thanks in advance.

I forgot to mention that one of the sites was in the history 6 times


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

it is possible. But popups like that only happen if you had been cruising porn or sex sites. 

That said, almost ALL guys watch a little porn...so that in itself is not a devastating find by any means


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> it is possible. But popups like that only happen if you had been cruising porn or sex sites.
> 
> That said, almost ALL guys watch a little porn...so that in itself is not a devastating find by any means


 With out telling my entire sob story no porn isn't bad, in general. But when you aren't having sex with your S.O for months on end and find porn and sex sites in the browsing history on his phone, then yeah its bad. I guess I am just trying to figure things out in my own head and I need a little help, because I feel like im starting to loose my bloody mind.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

lost_Alone said:


> With out telling my entire sob story no porn isn't bad, in general. But when you aren't having sex with your S.O for months on end and find porn and sex sites in the browsing history on his phone, then yeah its bad. I guess I am just trying to figure things out in my own head and I need a little help, because I feel like im starting to loose my bloody mind.


That sounds like porn addiction, as I think you suspect.

You should confront him honestly and with minimal malice, and challenge him to seek help.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Looks like he has a porn issue, but what is just as worrisome is he's not on the level with you about it. Many guys have this problem and some folks think it's ok and others do not. You need to figure out what your stance is and work from there.

Consider approaching him and telling him that even though you disapprove of porn (if you do) it is more important to you that he feel he can be truthful with you. 

If he wants help to overcome porn he can find a valuable alliance in you. An otherwise good husband is worth rescuing from porn in my opinion, if he'll cooperate. Good luck.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Nah hes just giving himself a little variety most likely he has no 'addiction' unless hes paying cash to cam girls for hours on end.Also yes its probably porn pop up because I've never heard of guys using those completely useless hookup sites.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

lost_Alone said:


> With out telling my entire sob story no porn isn't bad, in general. But when you aren't having sex with your S.O for months on end and find porn and sex sites in the browsing history on his phone, then yeah its bad. I guess I am just trying to figure things out in my own head and I need a little help, because I feel like im starting to loose my bloody mind.


Just saw this,I'm going to sound brutal but have you gained weight lately.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

pop ups are pretty common, I don't know how many times I've been told there's horny lonely housewives just waiting to meet me lol


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Quant said:


> Just saw this,I'm going to sound brutal but have you gained weight lately.


 I need to loose about 20 pounds, had a baby in December. Oh I forgot im a total ****ing fat ass no wonder he wants nothing to do with me. He has also gained about 100lbs, god fobid if I gain 20. 

This has been going on for a while, even before I got pregnant with our second child.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Why cant men respect their women? If porn affects the wife, even in an unreasonable way or if it's illogical, it is still considered as bad for your marriage...

Why should the wife care about the husband's need/desire if he doesn't care about her? 

Why should the wife bother to please her man if he is lusting other women openly? What's the point?

----

Lost one,
Tell your husband,short and sweet:

"I'm not ok with you watching porn/ sexy women. (doesn't matter what other men or media said about porn, if it affects you, then it is NOT ok...there is a good reason why majority women don't feel good about it)."

Tell him that no matter how or what you tried, the behavior always make you feel _____, unhappy and you might respect him less or desire him less.

----
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Tell him you'll be in a better shape and that you deserve a better man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> Why cant men respect their women? If porn affects the wife, even in an unreasonable way or if it's illogical, it is still considered as bad for your marriage...
> 
> Why should the wife care about the husband's need/desire if he doesn't care about her?
> 
> ...


The reason most women don't feel good about it is because women are extremely jealous and territorial about their men even if the woman is virtual.Look men want variety in women sexually he can still love you and see a sexy 18 year old walking down the street and think about her naked.Men compartmentalize sex more then women,doesn't mean he should cheat but looking is different.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

lost_Alone said:


> I need to loose about 20 pounds, had a baby in December. Oh I forgot im a total ****ing fat ass no wonder he wants nothing to do with me. He has also gained about 100lbs, god fobid if I gain 20.
> 
> This has been going on for a while, even before I got pregnant with our second child.


You both are not communicating with each other about your needs sexually you need to give him some sexual signals and if he doesn't respond ask him sweetly and politely whats wrong.DO NOT nag or shame him for not responding to you sexually or you will not learn what is wrong in your sex life.Then discuss you guys working out together not just for his health but to increase his sex drive since men who gain weight tend to have a suppressed sex drive.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> Tell him you'll be in a better shape and that you deserve a better man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shaming language is not how to get a man to do what you want,sugar works better then salt.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Quant said:


> The reason most women don't feel good about it is because women are extremely jealous and territorial about their men even if the woman is virtual.Look men want variety in women sexually he can still love you and see a sexy 18 year old walking down the street and think about her naked.Men compartmentalize sex more then women,doesn't mean he should cheat but looking is different.


 If that's really the case then maybe men really shouldn't get married and commit to one woman. I like good looking people too, but doesn't mean im going to neglect my spouse, because he doesnt resemble them.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lost_Alone said:


> If that's really the case then maybe men really shouldn't get married and commit to one woman. I like good looking people too, but doesn't mean im going to neglect my spouse, because he doesnt resemble them.


Polygyny, then?

If you're going months without being serviced, threaten divorce. He's violating his implied marriage contract with you. And no, porn does not equal adultery.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Quant said:


> Shaming language is not how to get a man to do what you want,sugar works better then salt.


 Ive done both, neither works


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

lost_Alone said:


> If that's really the case then maybe men really shouldn't get married and commit to one woman. I like good looking people too, but doesn't mean im going to neglect my spouse, because he doesnt resemble them.


Now that is where you are right me looking at pretty girls and fantasizing doesn't stop me from ravaging my wife.You are now being a little too self conscious about your looks because I identified something that you need to improve but that doesn't mean he shouldn't satisfy you sexually.He married you and you've had children it just means you both need to work together on this issue.Now he needs to lose much more weight then you too and he needs to discuss what is stopping him from having sex but go about it in a sweet way.Men don't like to be questioned about their sexual potency so do it with charm.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

lost_Alone said:


> Ive done both, neither works


Then make it clear you want sex or you will divorce,not satisfying you sexually is a violation of a marriage.But please follow my advice first since blowing up your marriage should only be taken after putting forth effort not just pouting about it.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Polygyny, then?
> 
> If you're going months without being serviced, threaten divorce. He's violating his implied marriage contract with you. And no, porn does not equal adultery.


I agree,but most women can't do polygeny.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Quant said:


> The reason most women don't feel good about it is because women are extremely jealous and territorial about their men even if the woman is virtual.Look men want variety in women sexually he can still love you and see a sexy 18 year old walking down the street and think about her naked.Men compartmentalize sex more then women,doesn't mean he should cheat but looking is different.


I think as many women see porn as a lack of respect than insecurity. 
If a woman doesn't has a problem with going to the beach with her husband where there will be other women in bikini's ect but has a problem with porn it's probably isn't to do with insecurity. 

I don't think porn is really the OP issue.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> I think as many women see porn as a lack of respect than insecurity.
> If a woman doesn't has a problem with going to the beach with her husband where there will be other women in bikini's ect but has a problem with porn it's probably isn't to do with insecurity.
> 
> I don't think porn is really the OP issue.


I disagree women on a beach aren't naked sexually performing for your husbands pleasure.It may be subconscious but in here animal mind she reacts to it as though its some harlot performing literally in front of her man.Humans were evolved before video and internet.I'd probably react instinctively the same way if my wife was masturbating to some guy and talking about how handsome he was.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Polygyny, then?
> 
> If you're going months without being serviced, threaten divorce. He's violating his implied marriage contract with you. And no, porn does not equal adultery.


 Threats don't work. Been there done that.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Quant said:


> I agree,but most women can't do polygeny.


Men are not meant for _practical_ monogamy by nature. Until fairly recently, the only monogamy expected was legal monogamy.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

lost_Alone said:


> Threats don't work. Been there done that.


Then what do you want besides complain on here?Sanction to cheat and get a lover?You won't get that here,either tell him to kick rocks or actually examine what you can improve to help the marriage while telling him your needs.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Men are not meant for _practical_ monogamy by nature. Until fairly recently, the only monogamy expected was legal monogamy.


Very much agree,but monogamy is a useful tool to make sure feral men don't go around ravaging the countryside.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

TiggyBlue said:


> I think as many women see porn as a lack of respect than insecurity.
> If a woman doesn't has a problem with going to the beach with her husband where there will be other women in bikini's ect but has a problem with porn it's probably isn't to do with insecurity.
> 
> I don't think porn is really the OP issue.


 Porn really isn't my issue. My problem is that we don't have sex. I have a much higer drive then my husband and he wastes it on that ****. From 2012 to 2014 we've had sex 6 times, up until 3 weeks ago when confronted him for the 500 th time. Then it'll get better for a week or two, then it goes back into the same rut we've been in for god I don't even know for how long, now..


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

lost_Alone said:


> Porn really isn't my issue. My problem is that we don't have sex. I have a much higer drive then my husband and he wastes it on that ****. From 2012 to 2014 we've had sex 6 times, up until 3 weeks ago when confronted him for the 500 th time. Then it'll get better for a week or two, then it goes back into the same rut we've been in for god I don't even know for how long, now..


Look people gave you advice but it seems you are here to just vent your resentment and rage towards him.Now its time to woman up and either divorce or actually do something to effect the relationship dynamic yourself by improving what you can improve instead of talking to him about it.Now if he doesn't put forth any effort then you have sanction to leave him.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Quant said:


> Then what do you want besides complain on here?Sanction to cheat and get a lover?You won't get that here,either tell him to kick rocks or actually examine what you can improve to help the marriage while telling him your needs.


 I have told him what I need. I actually planned my exit, for months. Was moving in with a friend. Had some money saved. I told my husband I was moving out. He then wanted to talk about things and fix it, that was 3 weeks ago. He asked me for another chance and I agreed, why I don't really know. Maybe because he finally admitted he has been a bad husband and finally admitted there was a problem.

Everyone else complains about their problems why cant I. 

Cheating, no. I ll leave before it ever gets to that point. I ve thought about it but it really solves nothing, makes thing much worse. I don't need things any worse then they already are! Cheating is a choice not a need!


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Quant said:


> Look people gave you advice but it seems you are here to just vent your resentment and rage towards him.Now its time to woman up and either divorce or actually do something to effect the relationship dynamic yourself by improving what you can improve instead of talking to him about it.Now if he doesn't put forth any effort then you have sanction to leave him.


 If you dont like it the dont read it.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Quant said:


> Look people gave you advice but it seems you are here to just vent your resentment and rage towards him.Now its time to woman up and either divorce or actually do something to effect the relationship dynamic yourself by improving what you can improve instead of talking to him about it.Now if he doesn't put forth any effort then you have sanction to leave him.


 Yes I am angry, resentful, hurt, depressed. I am really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but its hard, really hard. I am having a really tough time here...


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Has he taken any action to change things in the last 3 weeks?


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

TiggyBlue said:


> Has he taken any action to change things in the last 3 weeks?


 He did in the beginning, but has kind of tapered off some after only 3 weeks. He is helping a little more with kids still, but other then that not much else has really changed


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

RClawson said:


> I never understood this issue until recently. Years ago I would turn to porn because I thought I needed to turn to something visually that would replace what my W just did not feel was important. She knew to a degree that I watched it. Just not how much. It never, ever got in the way of our sex life.
> 
> Now when she began to watch porn it was completely different. She watch porn and our sex life decreased even more. It was devastating honestly. I get it.


 I would rather do it then watch it. I do watch it every now and then. It is devastating to know that you have been replaced by a computer screen


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Quant said:


> The reason most women don't feel good about it is because women are extremely jealous and territorial about their men even if the woman is virtual.Look men want variety in women sexually he can still love you and see a sexy 18 year old walking down the street and think about her naked.Men compartmentalize sex more then women,doesn't mean he should cheat but looking is different.


then are you okay if your wife shares intimate thoughts or sexting or flirting with men online and offline? Will you be okay if your wife show open and constant admiration towards other men, especially on their skills/ intelligence/ wealth?

Because " women like the attention, the high and the connection that come with it" and "that doesn't mean she cant love you at the same time"

..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lost_Alone said:


> I would rather do it then watch it. I do watch it every now and then. It is devastating to know that you have been replaced by a computer screen


Sounds like he's addicted to porn to me.

Not sure what to say about the pop up ads though.

Either way , there is a problem, and he needs to admit that it's affecting the relationship , and like you stated you don't particularly have a problem with porn.

However he isn't having sex with you , and there is a high probability that he might be actually using those hook up sites for hooking up.

That would be a really huge problem.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Please ignore the comments about your weight etc. 

The issue is your husband and his behaviour. If porn is not OK with you, then he needs to respect that. Some might say it's natural for men to have urges, they are visual blah blah, they can't control it. That is rubbish, and rug sweeping bad behaviour. Just as women may naturally have gravitated towards the fittest strongest specimen who can provide the best historically, this does not mean that as her husband ages she should start looking for a new model, or getting her sexual satisfaction from looking young hot strong men with huge c****. 

Personally porn is not OK by me, for so many reasons and I have my own boundaries, and if my partner doesn't like it, he is free to leave. 

Another issue is your husband is behaving like a child, doing something he knows hurts you, hiding it and breeding mistrust in your relationship. 

He's also neglecting you sexually and that's not OK. Many men who have issues with porn do have issues with intimacy and sex with their wives. 

Lastly the other issue is the hook up sites, I consider that cheating, even if he claims he was just growing, that kind of behaviour is beyond revolting. 

I think you need to decide what you are willing to do. If you do nothing or make empty threats he will keep on keeping on, and your relationship will not be what you deserve.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

lost_Alone said:


> Threats don't work. Been there done that.


Threats work fine, unless they're empty threats.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Quant said:


> Very much agree,but monogamy is a useful tool to make sure feral men don't go around ravaging the countryside.


That's been true in the past, but today's low sexual market value male has porn and computer games to release his needs for sex and combat, respectively. It seems the autonomic system can't really tell the difference between the real thing and the computer. Not too many ravagers are going to be around until the electricity gets turned off.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

lost_Alone said:


> I need to loose about 20 pounds, had a baby in December. Oh I forgot im a total ****ing fat ass no wonder he wants nothing to do with me. He has also gained about 100lbs, god fobid if I gain 20.
> 
> This has been going on for a while, even before I got pregnant with our second child.


First things first. Stop putting yourself down immediatly. You are sabatoging yourself. Do you reject your husbands advances? Do you tryto keep things spicy? If you are doing these things and he is still consumed with porn, then I would say he has big issues. Now about the popups. They are imbedded in a lot of porn sites and will stay in the history if not deleted. Some sites have viruses that will cause the popups as well. I wish the both of you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

From what I understand, it's quite common for overweight guys to turn to porn.

Not only do they not feel very good about getting naked (porn is not judgemental) but it may actually be easier for them to get it up and get off with porn than doing the work with a woman.

The more fat a guy gets, the lower his T gets.

Ask me how I know.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Plenty of guys are able to keep porn as a passing pleasure (like the rest of us can do with alcohol). But some folks are addicts (just like alcoholics!) Though I'd say an occasional porn site here and there is not enough evidence that he's not just an occasional healthy user (just like no one would think anything against a social drinker)

There's not enough information here to say if the porn is causing your intimacy issues, or if the the intimacy issues are causing the porn, or if there is a third issue causing them both. But if you feel its a problem you need to talk with him, possibly in conjunction with a counselor. It is OK to accept porn, it is NOT ok to accept a sexless marriage. Good luck.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Lost_alone
First - hookup site pop-ups are very common (nearly universal) from porn sites. It is very likely that those are just the result of his watching porn. Unless there is other evidence, I would not take that as evidence that he has been doing more than watching porn.

My opinion on porn is that it is OK as long as it doesn't affect your sex life. I view it as equivalent to using sex toys to masturbate - it just happens to be a visual sex toy. 

That said, it sounds like it IS affecting your sex life and that is a problem. It sounds like he is watching porn INSTEAD of being intimate with you, and you have every right to be upset about that. I even suggest that you take that tack: it isn't the porn its being replace by porn that is a problem.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I think hes being a man....

The majority of men look at some sort of porn at sometime... My husband does not watch loads, but he does watch it and i have also seen some in the history on his laptop....

Regarding pop ups, I get them on mine and i assure you i am doing nothing wrong.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Your husband gained a hundred pounds. He's morbidly obese. Have you guys delved into the reason behind such a massive weight gain?

Obesity, for many men, can lead to ED, a severe plummet in self esteem, and a resulting withdrawal from sex.

Nobody here knows whether your husband has a porn addiction. But his weight is excessive and it might just be much easier, and simpler, for him to get himself off than deal with the shame and embarrassment that potentially comes along with being obese and having sex.

There obviously could be other issues, but how much have you all explored his weight and the effect it could be having on your waning sex life? Have you ever asked your husband how he feels about himself?


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

I read most of the conversation that's already been going on here. There are pretty clear indicators of addiction (hiding it from you, lying about it, ect..). I think it's very likely that your husband is using porn to meet some deep, emotional need in his life. The weight gain is further evidence of that. 

Have you guys ever been to counseling? In this case, I think you should. It's probably unrealistic to expect real change to happen without really dealing with those root issues and causes of the unacceptable behaviors. Counseling will also provide a stronger form of accountability for him to deal with his stuff.

I hope that helps. Hang in there!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ecotime47 said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this.
> 
> I read most of the conversation that's already been going on here. There are pretty clear indicators of addiction (hiding it from you, lying about it, ect..)



Hiding and lying about porn usage isn't indicative of an addiction. Most boys (and girls for that matter) learn to lie about masturbation, fantasy, and porn from the get go as we live in a society that largely stigmatizes these things. Many grown ass men won't even admit to anybody that they masturbate.

Most men watch porn. 
Most of those men who watch porn will lie about it, especially to their wives.

When most men enjoy an activity that their wives dislike, but they see no big deal about, they'll hide it. Even a man who only watches porn 3 or 4 times a year is likely to hide it from a wife who is threatened by those 3 or 4 times a year.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think those who have focused on the weight gain have hit upon the bigger issue. He doesn't want to trouble with the exertion and it's easier. I don't know the other marital issues but you mentioned in the past 3 weeks he has started helping more - so we know that he wasn't helping and I wonder if that was also an energy issue.

I don't think the porn is a huge problem but I think he's choosing it because it's easier than sex which takes physical effort. 

Perhaps focusing on getting in better shape would be more productive in the long run. You can cushion the blow by saying you both need to get in better shape and start cooking healthier meals. Pack a healthy, low-cal lunch, suggest after dinner brisk walks with strollers if the kids are young or bikes if they are old enough. Setting a healthy example for the kids can be another good reason. Ask him to get a physical. 

100 pounds of fat = low testosterone which means low drive for everything in life. Less ambition, less sex drive, less motivation and energy... 

Now why did he gain all of that weight? Perhaps the other issue that should be addressed is psychological. Is he depressed? Have these changes in his body been part of an evil cycle - gains weight, is depressed about weight, because he's depressed he eats and doesn't move much so he gains weight, etc...

So, I'd forget about the porn for now and see about his having a physical, perhaps MC or IC if he is struggling with something and focus on those issues. Likely those two things will help your sex life a lot.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> Sounds like he's addicted to porn to me.
> 
> Not sure what to say about the pop up ads though.
> 
> ...


 My husband did say that he is trying to fix the issue with porn. I suppose the hook ups sights could have been pop ups, I have never encountered them though, that I ever remember, but I also don't jump from site to site either. I have never seen them before in his history. Finding those is what set me off more so the the porn. Just another slap in the face.

My biggest issue is I no longer trust him and that right there is huge issue for me. I am trying to move on from it and let it go, but I am having a hard time doing so. I know its going to take time, but I am affraid to invest myself again and have the same thing happen, because it has numerous times before in the past.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Thound said:


> First things first. Stop putting yourself down immediatly. You are sabatoging yourself. Do you reject your husbands advances? Do you tryto keep things spicy? If you are doing these things and he is still consumed with porn, then I would say he has big issues. Now about the popups. They are imbedded in a lot of porn sites and will stay in the history if not deleted. Some sites have viruses that will cause the popups as well. I wish the both of you well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I have told him no once, we've been together a long time. I have never made it a habit of telling him no, even if I wasn't in the mood at the time. I have tried to spice things up in the past it back fired.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Please ignore the comments about your weight etc.
> 
> The issue is your husband and his behaviour. If porn is not OK with you, then he needs to respect that. Some might say it's natural for men to have urges, they are visual blah blah, they can't control it. That is rubbish, and rug sweeping bad behaviour. Just as women may naturally have gravitated towards the fittest strongest specimen who can provide the best historically, this does not mean that as her husband ages she should start looking for a new model, or getting her sexual satisfaction from looking young hot strong men with huge c****.
> 
> ...


 I am not ok with porn, in this relationship anymore! I will not stand for it. It has caused way to many problem (even thoigh I know its him and not the porn.) It is no longer acceptable. Its a deal breaker as it stands at this point. I also won't watch it anymore and I havent for a while anyway.

This is his last chance, I really hope he knows that and he should because I have told him it is and I mean it.. I was going to move out, until he finally decided to pull his head out of his ass. After years of thinking nothing was wrong with anything he was doing, no matter what I'd say or how many times I'd cry none of it ever made a difference.

Until one day our land lord called to ask my husband about a call he had recieved for me, about a reference and rental history.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

melw74 said:


> I think hes being a man....
> 
> The majority of men look at some sort of porn at sometime... My husband does not watch loads, but he does watch it and i have also seen some in the history on his laptop....
> 
> Regarding pop ups, I get them on mine and i assure you i am doing nothing wrong.


 Being a man, my ass. PORN isn't the issue.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Your husband gained a hundred pounds. He's morbidly obese. Have you guys delved into the reason behind such a massive weight gain?
> 
> Obesity, for many men, can lead to ED, a severe plummet in self esteem, and a resulting withdrawal from sex.
> 
> ...


 Hes gained the weight over the years, it was gradual. He complains about the weight, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He has said he does feel like crap about himself, so do I but that doesnt mean I m going to neglect my husband because I have bodily issues, of course 20 pounds is a lot different then 100 pounds. Masterbation alone is not enough for me. 

This is why I am here.  I want my marriage to work, haven't spent the last 18 years together just for it to end. I think he wants it to work too or atleast I hope he does.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Just to give you an idea of how detrimental weight can be on your self esteem and comfortability in sexual situations, allow me to share a brief story:

My wife has a former friend who got married in her late 20s. I was at their wedding. The friend has had a struggle with weight all her life, but the husband was morbidly obese. I'm talking 400+ pounds. I didn't know him well, but by all accounts he was a fun loving, gregarious man. After they got married he gained even more weight. Their sex life declined further and further. She was being left out in the cold sexually. They were having trouble conceiving and eventually their sex life was bumped up to a once a week routine for the sake of procreation. When the Dr gave them the devastating news that both of them had infertility issues and that their chances of conceiving were almost 0, the sex they were having ceased again. She came to him one night, desperate to be made love to, and he finally told her "Baby that's why I bought you the Playboy channel. Go downstairs and take care of yourself". You can imagine her pain. What you might not be able to imagine is his shame.

When it comes to weight women get the bulk of the press. But men struggle just as badly, but usually in silence. I know. I was a fat kid who became an obese adult. I can't even begin to tell you what a detrimental impact obesity had on my mind, how I saw myself, the amount of psychological, spiritual and physiological works it's taken to get myself on track. And almost nobody who knows me would have guessed that for a second as I, an open person, was very private when it came to that.

As hard as this might be for you to see, there are scores of men who are so ashamed of their bodies that they'd rather NOT have sex than face the shame of lying the bed, buck naked, having to move their fat bodies in a sexual way. There are men who won't even take their shirt off in front of their lover. Hell some people are so sensitive to weight that they shirk away from sex with just 20-30 extra pounds, never mind 100 or more.

I don't know if weight is your husband's main issue, but I do think if that hasn't been explored, the reasons behind why he's chosen to become, and stay, obese than you both could be missing a huge piece of the puzzle as to why he's withdrawing from you.

It might not be you at all.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Just to give you an idea of how detrimental weight can be on your self esteem and comfortability in sexual situations, allow me to share a brief story:
> 
> My wife has a former friend who got married in her late 20s. I was at their wedding. The friend has had a struggle with weight all her life, but the husband was morbidly obese. I'm talking 400+ pounds. I didn't know him well, but by all accounts he was a fun loving, gregarious man. After they got married he gained even more weight. Their sex life declined further and further. She was being left out in the cold sexually. They were having trouble conceiving and eventually their sex life was bumped up to a once a week routine for the sake of procreation. When the Dr gave them the devastating news that both of them had infertility issues and that their chances of conceiving were almost 0, the sex they were having ceased again. She came to him one night, desperate to be made love to, and he finally told her "Baby that's why I bought you the Playboy channel. Go downstairs and take care of yourself". You can imagine her pain. What you might not be able to imagine is his shame.
> 
> ...


 He has always said its not me, its him. But I never believed him

I think you are 100% correct. Thank you so much for sharing


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

lost_Alone said:


> I would rather do it then watch it. I do watch it every now and then. It is devastating to know that you have been replaced by a computer screen


Hello, sorry to hear about all the trouble you are having with your husband, but as a man, porn and sex with the woman you love are two COMPLETELY different things. 

I know you're not feeling great about your relationship but nothing can replace you. I don't think you should feel that because your husband looks at porn you've been replaced.

Sex between two people can be complicated or stressful, especially if someone has gained weight or become depressed (which can go hand in hand) or lost confidence in their performance/abilities. There can expectations both real and imagined, and consequences if things are not lived up too. 

It's a lot easier to look at a screen and take care of your own needs, than it is to take care of someone else. Especially if you don't have the confidence in yourself that your going to rock her world. I'm guessing here, obviously I don't know for certain. 

But I do know what it's like gaining weight/ being over weight. When I was younger I was overwieght, lost it and after marriage slowly gained some back, not a lot but about 20 lbs and when I noticed it cost me an erection in bed with my wife. While looking at her amazing body, I saw my own and was like wtf, I couldn't have gain this much weight. I looked horrible to myself and couldn't perform, even though my wife was looking smoking. I had to explain that my weight gain caused me to feel awful and distracted me. It was so embarrassing. I vowed then to never be over weight again. So i know it can be hard to perform when you don't feel like yourself, or don't like what you become. 

I think you should be less worried about his porn use and focus on why he continues to neglect your needs. It's selfish and seems to me like a depression, and getting his rocks off is enough for him, but why is that when it's doing nothing for you.

Don't beat yourself up, and please don't feel replaced, maybe he just feels unattractive and unable to give you what you deserve... I don't know but I do know that sex and porn cannot compare.

Hope this helps...


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