# Husband and I Are Separated...



## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

My husband and I separated last summer, although had been in separate bedrooms since last February. At that time, he raged over something ridiculous, tossed me out of the bedroom and said he wanted a divorce. In July we lost our primary house to foreclosure (planned) and H moved to our other home; I moved into a rental property. H never filed, and neither did I.

We spent a lot of time together after separating but never formally spoke of reconciling. Last Thanksgiving he wanted to go to another state with me and my son, so I agreed thinking it would be a good family time. Again, he raged over something ridiculous, drove off and left us 450 miles from home to find our own way back (had to rent a car). He sent a text saying he's filing for divorce when he got home, but never filed.

We didn't speak for eight weeks after Thanksgiving. Last weekend I was at a wedding and H was there; we both were without dates. He kept "running" into me and eventually broke the ice and talked with me. He invited me to his house (our house, I own it too) after the reception so I went. We talked, had a drink and things seemed to be mending. I told him he needed to apologize for leaving me and my son in another state. Initially he refused, blaming me for it (don't recall his skewed logic) but eventually he apologized. It seemed pretty insincere, honestly.

I've seen him about five or six times since last weekend's wedding but can tell he's distant and has no interest in make-up sex, plus he's been scrambling to fix up the house, recently bought new furniture, put in new floors, etc. So, I decided to check his email to see what's up. I discovered he has a woman coming to visit from out of state and she will be staying at the house this Wednesday through Sunday. Now it all makes sense; his EA is about to turn into a PA.

So, how should I handle this? Should I stop over to see him when she's staying there? Should I ignore him, do a 180? Should I confront him?

We've been together almost ten years and married nearly eight. Advice is appreciated.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

cyan said:


> My husband and I separated last summer, although had been in separate bedrooms since last February. At that time, he raged over something ridiculous, tossed me out of the bedroom and said he wanted a divorce. In July we lost our primary house to foreclosure (planned) and H moved to our other home; I moved into a rental property. H never filed, and neither did I.
> 
> We spent a lot of time together after separating but never formally spoke of reconciling. Last Thanksgiving he wanted to go to another state with me and my son, so I agreed thinking it would be a good family time. Again, he raged over something ridiculous, drove off and left us 450 miles from home to find our own way back (had to rent a car). He sent a text saying he's filing for divorce when he got home, but never filed.
> 
> ...


Well if she doesn't already know she needs to know that he has a wife, just in case he has been lying to her. Doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage, at this point; it is probably time to see a lawyer and start protecting yourself financially, as well as emotionally. If you still have her e-mail address, you could e-mail her and tell her that you know that she will be coming to stay at "our" house, and introduce yourself as the wife and co owner of the love nest in question. Does she live in the same state where he left you in the lurch?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Hate to say it but she likely won't care. As Oakthorne pointed out, it's probably time to protect yourself. It's likely that this affair has been ongoing for awhile, the behaviors you mention are textbook. His affair partner is probably aware that he is separated. One of the things that bonds a cheater to his affair partner is usually talking about the "terrible" marriage that they are in... They spend a great deal of time turning you into the bad guy, partially to deal with there own guilt. He has probably painted a picture of you that makes you some horrible person and of course Everything is your fault... So she will likely won't care and may even lash back at you when you contact her... Of course it's hard to tell based on what little information you have offered but regardless there doesnt sound like there is much to save. You really want to at this point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would definitely contact her. I would tell her he left you and your son 450 miles from home with no way home. Tell her she can have him. 

If my wife left me and my child stranded like that she would be dead to me. She would never see or hear from me again and good luck with that.

Your husband is a..................well, lets don't go there.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Your husband is a child. Divorce him and be rid of him and find an adult who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Your husband is a..................well, lets don't go there.


Yeah... my sister's quote: "You sure can pick 'em."



spudster said:


> Your husband is a child. Divorce him and be rid of him and find an adult who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve.


I know it's what I need to do. H really knows how to manipulate me and play on my emotions. I had made a great deal of progress the eight weeks we didn't talk, now I feel like I've slipped backwards.



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Hate to say it but she likely won't care. As Oakthorne pointed out, it's probably time to protect yourself. It's likely that this affair has been ongoing for awhile, the behaviors you mention are textbook. His affair partner is probably aware that he is separated. One of the things that bonds a cheater to his affair partner is usually talking about the "terrible" marriage that they are in... They spend a great deal of time turning you into the bad guy, partially to deal with there own guilt. He has probably painted a picture of you that makes you some horrible person and of course Everything is your fault... So she will likely won't care and may even lash back at you when you contact her... Of course it's hard to tell based on what little information you have offered but regardless there doesnt sound like there is much to save. You really want to at this point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would love to save it, but I think it's too far gone; the trust, both for physical and emotional safety, are gone. And I agree she won't care. I'm sure he's filled her with lies and BS, or she has no morals and his marital status isn't an issue. 

My disappointment/anger/betrayal is with my STBX not the OW. A part of me would love to make her stay hell, however. Is that wrong? You know, I have fantasies of having his electricity disconnected, the water turned off, changing his WiFi passwords... stuff I won't do (well, maybe change the WiFi) but enjoy entertaining. Is that normal, or am I losing it???


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's normal to be p*ssed about it. It's been a YEAR of no marriage, and crappy interactions. Time to call it done and start the divorce. What exactly are you waiting for? 

And after a year of separation, it's hardly cheating. Sure, nobody filed. But nobody worked ON the marriage either. So the marriage is pretty much a moot point. Not like he led you on this whole year and then jumped someone else. It's just done. And ya, it still hurts and still sucks.

Gather your girlfriends around you to help you cope "during the visit"....


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Remember this quote: "The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others."

Your husband is immature, selfish jerk and he's getting away with treating you the way he does, because YOU allow him! Don't you see, your H is no respect for you and is taking advantage of you, period!! And as a Mom, raising a son, what kindof message are you sending to your son, by having him observe how his Dad is treating you??? 

Please, get hold of yourself, file for divorce and start looking out for yourself and your son, because your H is certainly NOT looking out for you guys! He's too busy spending his time and money, getting ready to entertain other W at his home!


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> And after a year of separation, it's hardly cheating. Sure, nobody filed. But nobody worked ON the marriage either. So the marriage is pretty much a moot point. Not like he led you on this whole year and then jumped someone else. It's just done.


Actually, when we physically separated last summer we had an agreement we wouldn't date others. While I agree it hasn't happened, working on the marriage, I still feel betrayed and lied to. He's been having an EA with this woman for well over a year and before our separation, something I just discovered when looking at emails.



SunnyT said:


> What exactly are you waiting for?


I dunno... I'm scared and alone.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Put the house on the market, yourself, then file for divorce.
Your gender doesn't require you to be anybody's doormat and
you will likely get treated well by the court simply because of it.
Good Luck


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## exitor98 (Jan 9, 2012)

cyan said:


> Again, he raged over something ridiculous, drove off and left us 450 miles from home to find our own way back (had to rent a car).


He left you and your son stranded 450 miles from?!?!? Un****ing believable!
That alone should help you with your decision. What if....
1: you didn't have the money to rent a car?
2: you had the money but no place to rent a car?
3: had to ride a continental or greyhound home and get assaulted by one of the many derelicts riding the bus.

How can you seriously even ask what you should do?

Frankly he should have his head bashed in for stranding you two 450 miles from home.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

He's living in your house but you have to rent a place and then he leaves you and your kid stranded hundreds of miles away from home?
Call a locksmith, have all locks changed, haul his furniture to the curb, stop paying rent and be done with this loser!


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

exitor98 said:


> Frankly he should have his head bashed in for stranding you two 450 miles from home.


When we spoke after eight weeks of no contact he said he sat and waited for me to call and beg him to come get us, which I didn't. 



FourtyPlus said:


> He's living in your house but you have to rent a place and then he leaves you and your kid stranded hundreds of miles away from home?
> Call a locksmith, have all locks changed, haul his furniture to the curb, stop paying rent and be done with this loser!


I can't do that; he's living there and has tenancy rights. I'll just f***k him in the divorce: the house will have to go, I'll take part of his retirement, which will really get him, and one or two of his collector cars. I do have my plan down; just need to find the balls to get it rolling.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I keep letting this a$$hole into my life, and now he has another woman coming to visit. I feel like such a loser. How can I move on? I want loving, kind people in my life, not a jerk. Feeling really vulnerable...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

has he been paying any child support while you have been separated?

if not when you file tell the lawyer so it can be taken out


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I disagree, if you're on the deed, then you're on the deed and you can change locks all day long. However, I understand real estate laws vary from state to state.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Cyan,

You should stop by or let him know that you are "aware" of the OW.

Then divorce his butt fast and hard. You and your kid deserve better.

Go find someone. There are plenty of men out there looking for a good, loyal woman to have a relationship with.

Get moving woman!

Hm64


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You deserve way better than this treatment!

I agree with other posters here -- tell the OW, file for divorce, leave him to his childish behavior. Easier said than done, I know. 

However, you have a child to think about and if this man can leave both of you abandoned 450 miles away so that you have to deal with your own resources to get out of there after having made a commitment to you and being the reason you were there...well, he is unstable and irresponsible and unreliable, not to mention that he's a jerk. This is not the kind of thing you want your child to learn is acceptable behavior, right? If not for you, do it for your kid. 

If he changes and comes crawling back, you could consider him, but as he is he's being a jerk and you deserve better. Don't plead with him, just walk away. If he really cares, he'll come back to you repentant and remorseful. And, if not, then you know you're better off than to chase someone who is going to treat you like dirt because he doesn't appreciate you.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> You should stop by or let him know that you are "aware" of the OW.
> 
> Then divorce his butt fast and hard. You and your kid deserve better.


Do you think I should "accidentally" stop over when I know she's going to be there? Or, call/text and let him know I know? Or, just let it slide, ignore/ice his sleazy butt and move on without a confrontation?

Thanks everyone, for your advice. I really appreciate it.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

cyan

Please speak to an attorney. This is terrible. What kind of guy leaves his wife and child 450 miles from home.

Do you have equity in the home? Protect your interests.

Sorry to say this put your husband sounds like a slug.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

cyan said:


> Do you think I should "accidentally" stop over when I know she's going to be there? Or, call/text and let him know I know? Or, just let it slide, ignore/ice his sleazy butt and move on without a confrontation?
> 
> Thanks everyone, for your advice. I really appreciate it.


I would not go over there. Speak to an attorney first. You go over there he calls the police. It is not worth it.

Protect your interests. Focus on your son right now. Do you have a relationship with anyone in his family? Your husband sounds like he is not thinking straight.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> I would not go over there. Speak to an attorney first. You go over there he calls the police. It is not worth it.
> 
> Protect your interests. Focus on your son right now. Do you have a relationship with anyone in his family? Your husband sounds like he is not thinking straight.


I actually contacted his ex-wife after he abandoned me and my son (not my son's father) on Thanksgiving. She divorced him after numerous affairs, so the current EA/PA isn't anything new for him (once a cheater, always a cheater), nor is his raging, but she was shocked he abandoned us in another state. She's a very kind woman and is now happily married to a loving, caring man (gives me hope). That's the only sorta-family of his I'm in contact with and I hesitate to contact anyone else, not knowing what lies he's told to cover his tracks.

You're right - he could call the police, however, I'd stop over innocently and 'accidentally' bust his lying a$$. I dunno... I suppose I should just let it go and move on. I've already picked an attorney; just need to pay the retainer and get the ball rolling. No, the house is underwater, so no equity to claim.

I'm scared and feel quite alone. The man is a master manipulator and I know he knows how to play me. I'm trying to use this experience to become a stronger, more boundary-filled woman. Crap... it's hard work.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

It is not worth going over there to catch him in the act. It does not matter at this point. Protect your son. You would not want to go over there and have an issue with the police. That is not good for you or your son.

I am sure that you and your son will be fine. Life is to short to be with a guy like this. Sounds like he is grasping at straws anyway. One house foreclosed on, a second underwater. What about having one home and being able to pay your bills. I am not putting you down. It just sounds like he is very irresponsible. (leaving your with and step son alone 450 miles with no car) Let the attorney know about that.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

No need for you to go over to your H house, as you already know he's a cheater. And his ex-wife has already confirmed with you that he's a cheater.
PLEASE, see your attorney ASAP and file for divorce and get yourself away from this dysfunctional abusive douchbag. You and your son deserves so much better. I will be praying for you and stay strong!!


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