# OMG! Just realised something! It IS me!



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Twice in my life I have been told: "Sorry, but I am cheating on you/I'm going to cheat on you."

First by my first LTR girlfriend, then later by my wife.

Why me? Why twice?:scratchhead:

Was it some vibe I was sending out? Too nice? What?


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Could it be the type of person you are attracted to? Could it be something under the surface that you may not be aware of?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book to figure it out (the first half).


----------



## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

You're a good man Matt, but way too soft! Time to grow a pair!


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yep picking bad women will do this every time. Did the same thing and didn't end well. But once you start picking and demanding a woman who is honest and trustworthy you can't believe how good it can be.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

When you were told " I'm going to cheat on you" what did you do? 

I can't wrap my head around that one.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you worried about it today ? What was the trigger ?

Also, how is the sex life ?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> When you were told " I'm going to cheat on you" what did you do?
> 
> I can't wrap my head around that one.


I somehow got through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Why are you worried about it today ? What was the trigger ?
> 
> Also, how is the sex life ?


The trigger was just something I saw on line. News story I think.

Sex life is a bit sparse at the moment as my wife's rheumatoid arthritis means that she has difficulty in walking, let alone anything else! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Unless you are abusive, have no redeeming qualities, and/or absolutely, completely ignore every woman you've been with......
I'll go out on a limb and say its your choice in women.

We tend to like what we like. I know I attracted the same type of woman before I got married, even though they were the opposite of what I wanted it. I attracted the very pretty party girl. She was so hot to look at but all that mattered was when/where the next party was. Didnt matter what was going on in life, partying was the priority.

So i've been cheated on a few times. It was my fault in terms of the type of woman/girl I had chosen. Oddly enough, when my wife had her affair, it was during her MLC when she became a party girl. She de-prioritized everything else to become a social butterfly.

Anytime you get cheated on, you cant help but take it personally. Rarely is it personal though. If you look hard enough and try to justify their cheating, you will usually always look at yourself as the reason. 

Cheaters just care more about their needs than yours. Thats the bottom line.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Twice in my life I have been told: "Sorry, but I am cheating on you/I'm going to cheat on you."
> 
> First by my first LTR girlfriend, then later by my wife.
> 
> ...


Maybe just random bad luck? Don't try to figure out the unsolvable--you'll drive yourself crazy.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> T"Sorry, but I am cheating on you/I'm going to cheat on you."


And you should have said: "Sorry but I'm going to dump you." 

Can you imagine. 

Eh, maybe your picker is broken... or just.. I don't really believe that. I think that you can't predict if someone is going to cheat on you ever. There's no way to tell. It could happen at any time.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Twice in my life I have been told: "Sorry, but I am cheating on you/I'm going to cheat on you."
> 
> First by my first LTR girlfriend, then later by my wife.
> 
> ...


Well since you asked. 

The impression I get from reading your posts is because you are too nice, too giving, too kind. So human nature being what it is, you are attracted to women who are the opposite to that and who are not nice, give nothing and are certainly not kind.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How long did your wife cheat on you? How does she feel about doing that?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I somehow got through it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never understood how this came to be where a wife says I am going to cheat on you - couldn't find your story Matt.

Genuinely curious on what happened and also on how you coped.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I never understood how this came to be where a wife says I am going to cheat on you - couldn't find your story Matt.
> 
> Genuinely curious on what happened and also on how you coped.


It is in various posts, like mine, in different threads. There are a few posters, who feel he buried and didn't really cope.

In your LTR, did you break up with her immediately or sometime after the act MM?


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Twice in my life I have been told: "Sorry, but I am cheating on you/I'm going to cheat on you."
> 
> First by my first LTR girlfriend, then later by my wife.
> 
> ...


You are funny!!!

Think you are just a little too laid back and certainly come across as a nice guy so I would be hedging my bets on nice guys finishing last.

Maybe you were not the bad boy they wanted but more the comfort that they needed that lead them to cheat rather than change their relationship?

What types were the OMs? Players? Bad boys? Library swats? Gamers? Or were there histories between your spouses and their OMs?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'll let MM tell the story, but the one with his wife is terrible.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Just unlucky I think MattMatt. 

And how would we identify a potential cheater? Almost all BS start their threads with, "I can't believe this has happened." 

I too am intrigued by you saying your LTR told you she was going to cheat? LTR. . . last 'T'? relationship? Having a 'duh' moment! 

One way to identify a cheater is if you know they cheated before. Unfortunately my WS cheated in a previous relationship but I didn't find out until he had cheated on me. Wouldn't have even dated him if I knew. 

I'm never sure of the 'nice guys' thing that comes up a lot on TAM. What would a nice guy have to do to un-nice himself? And how would he behave towards his wife?

I think it's simply a question of boundaries. Maybe 'nice' people, men and women don't establish their boundaries well enough and people walk over them. I haven't been good with my boundaries sometimes and yes, I'm too nice sometimes. 

Anyway MattMatt, you're sure not alone!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think your to nice and accommodating for the type of women you choose.
If you had a nice accommodating woman, she would probably appreciate you more. I am not nice at all, not better than you, and have never been cheated on. My wife calls me good but not nice. People are afraid to boldly approach me with bad intent.

If my wife had the balls to tell me what yours did, I would have destroyed her and her wannabe loverboy before anything had a chance to happen. She would have then been promptly divorced.

Maybe your internal reward system is different than mine. I need more respect in a relationship and I give respect as well. I can get laid anytime anywhere. I certainly don't have to put up with disregard and cheating to get it. If my wife took away her love and respect for me, I would be left with a cheap piece of ass.

I can get that anywhere without the illusion of marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I have been told: "*Sorry, but I am cheating on you/I'm going to cheat on you.*"


Seriously? And that woman is still your wife???????


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sometimes there is simply no explanation WHY they did that to you. You are shooting blind in the dark.

See if you can figure out what you might have done wrong.

Look for a better woman. MOST people are just shiiity unfortunately.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The trigger was just something I saw on line. News story I think.
> 
> Sex life is a bit sparse at the moment as my wife's rheumatoid arthritis means that she has difficulty in walking, let alone anything else!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her you'll distract her from the pain 

Seriously though Matt,

From what I've read in your posts about your wife, you are too accepting of peoples issues. It's great in your professional life, but horrible in your personal life.

You accept excuses based on the person's mental conditions. Your wife treats you horribly and you don't hold her responsible, you always finish everything with her asperger's. It's great to have a heart and to be able to look past certain issues, as long as your heart isn't trampled in the process.

There has got to be a point where you say "I will not tolerate XYZ, regardless of the situation"


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It is in various posts, like mine, in different threads. There are a few posters, who feel he buried and didn't really cope.
> 
> In your LTR, did you break up with her immediately or sometime after the act MM?


She broke up with me to live with her female lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Too nice. Tell her she's gaining weight.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

In all honesty MattMatt, I don't think the problem is _*you*_ so much, as there's so many people who have no problem cheating, in this day and age! 

You could learn everything you need to learn about how to 'pick' a decent spouse...and _STILL_ be cheated on _decades_ later. Even the _cheater_ often says things like, "I NEVER thought *I'D* ever cheat on anyone...I never cheated before...I can't BELIEVE *I* cheated..." after years of being faithful. If the cheater didn't think they would cheat, how can WE know if they will cheat? 

Every cheater starts out as a non-cheater...until they cheat. But that doesn't mean that ALL non-cheaters will eventually cheat. 

Although there are no guarantees, I think there are signs and clues to look for. For example, instead of paying attention to a woman's breast size, a man can learn how to look at her character. Is she an honest person? And, instead of looking at the size of a man's wallet, a woman can look at how much integrity he has. 

What's behind cheating is _character_ (or _lack_ thereof...). Once we learn how to decipher a person's character, we'll have a better chance of choosing a partner who probably won't cheat.

Vega


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I don't buy the theory that being a nice guy leads a spouse/gf to cheat. I don't buy that most of cheating victims attract the wrong types.

I've been in 4 serious marriage/relationships in the last 12 years. two of wife/girlfriends cheated on me. Another one didn't cheat on me but had red flags and flirted a lot. Maybe eventually would cheat. Who knows. My current wife is a keeper and while one never knows, I truly believe you just have to find the right person.

It's finding the right person. Not being nice, or attracting wrongs types.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Vega: "In all honesty MattMatt, I don't think the problem is you so much, as there's so many people who have no problem cheating, in this day and age!"

this is the answer


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> Too nice. Tell her she's gaining weight.


Thats why I like you DH. You are a hardcore badass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Matt.

I have a real good friend. Both of us are single with a couple divorces under are belts. 

He likes the needy women. The kind that have to depend on him and need his guidance and to be rescued.

Me, on the other hand, always wind up with the women who can get on with life without any help and when they decide to end it with me, will run me over, leave a large blood stain on the road from where I got run over and never look back.

All in all sometimes we just pick the wrong ones and I fall in that category. 

In my case, both wives cheated but I didn't find out until after we were divorce, but I promise you, that I don't care how strong willed the women in my life were, if I found out while we were married that they cheated, then they would have met their match and they would have been looking like road kill on the road because that would have ended it and no excuse would have been good enough. The cardinal rule was broke and nothing was going to fix it. 

Chin up friend. I hope you can work past this.


----------



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

My 1st XH was a cheater. My 2nd H whom I'm now seperated from is an emotionally abusive narcissist.

I've been told I don't have dou*che-radar. 

But really, it's partly my fault for choosing these men AND allowing the relationships to go in the directions they did. My need to 'help' those I love, my selflessness and loosing myself in a relationship, my lack of boundaries, and my insecurity of standing up for myself even when I know I should....all contributed to the demise of my marriages. They are a-holes don't get me wrong....but I allowed them to treat me that way. If that makes sense. So maybe you have some of that going on in your relationships?


----------



## Deceit (Oct 9, 2013)

If this is true, and you are a "nice guy", it's going to continue to do you harm. 

This book could really help you. 
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0762415339/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1396020131&sr=1-1


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It's happened a few times to me and in a way it's my fault, I tend to be a "nice guy" BUT emotionally unavailable. This puts them in a situation where I'm great 99% of the time so they don't want to leave yet want to have that need filled. 

From a guy's POV, it's like being married to a wife that does everything a good wife should except have sex (I see women's emotional needs like men have sexual needs). You need sex but reluctant to give up all the other qualities to leave just for that so you become tempted to look outside, especially if you have women throwing themselves at you.

Two of the women that cheated had never cheated or dreamed of cheating before but I'll admit I made it difficult not too. They both left out of guilt (one being my W but we R'd) and did so in the same way.

You can't make someone cheat and most times a cheater is just a cheater but sometimes you can create a situation that make cheating either easy or desirable. Anybody can cheat, just always keep that in the back of your mind.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Matt, it might just be you.

1. Maybe your weenie is too small.
2. Maybe your weenie is too big.
3. Maybe you slurp your soup.
4. Maybe during tea you dip your crumpets in the cup and it comes across as rude.

Matt, seriously, in my experience, there is not one particular type of male nor female who has not been cheated on by their SO. Fat, thin, smart, dumb, tall, short, fit, lazy, nice, mean, tough bad arse, weenie, etc. Look at the list of celebrities that have cheated or been cheated on. It makes no sense.


----------



## FROM_THE_INSIDE_OUT (Mar 26, 2014)

Have her try diatomaceous earth to ease joint and arthritis pain. Just make sure it is food grade. Tends to help most people. I feel it very little joint pain these days.


MattMatt said:


> The trigger was just something I saw on line. News story I think.
> 
> Sex life is a bit sparse at the moment as my wife's rheumatoid arthritis means that she has difficulty in walking, let alone anything else!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It is you.

When someone fears the consequences of bad behaviour less than they desire to committ the bad behaviour they act in the moment.

They simply didn't fear the consequences enough in that moment. 

It doesn't mean there is something WRONG with you. Just means either by your actions, lack of actions, choices in partners, trusting nature etc, that it happened to you twice.

Some women get cheated on constantly by men they are in relationships with and these women are the sweetest, prettiest, most awesome wives and gf's you'll ever meet. But they have radar for scum.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Curious. 
"I'm going to cheat on you."

How far in advance was this told to you? Was this a fortune telling exercise or did you get the poster Gutpunch treatment and were told as she pulled away in the car?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Matt, tell us about the 2nd affair a bit more in detail..not bits pieces...

she also beat up the OM right?


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

MattMatt,

In a nutshell...

Cheating has nothing to do with who _*you*_ are, and everything to do with who _*the cheater *_is!

Vega


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

2nd for me too Matt

They were both 'victims' in their own different way and yeah I blame myself for those choices. 

I also blame myself for stupidly thinking that showing more love and forgiveness would bring it all back 

duuuuur ....yeah right


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I think your to nice and accommodating for the type of women you choose.
> If you had a nice accommodating woman, she would probably appreciate you more. I am not nice at all, not better than you, and have never been cheated on. My wife calls me good but not nice. People are afraid to boldly approach me with bad intent.


Sounds very alpha of you.



ConanHub said:


> If my wife had the balls to tell me what yours did, I would have destroyed her and her wannabe loverboy before anything had a chance to happen. She would have then been promptly divorced.


Sounds nice. I don't know if you've been in the situation before, because many of the guys thought the same thing you did. When faced with the choice of losing the woman they thought they were in love with, they caved and did everything they could to try to keep her.



ConanHub said:


> Maybe your internal reward system is different than mine. I need more respect in a relationship and I give respect as well. I can get laid anytime anywhere. I certainly don't have to put up with disregard and cheating to get it. If my wife took away her love and respect for me, I would be left with a cheap piece of ass.


It is a cheap piece of ass, and really not worth it.



ConanHub said:


> I can get that anywhere without the illusion of marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True. Many times we put it up on a pedastal and it's exactly the wrong thing you want to do if you want to get laid.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You ask for insight yet you don't tell your story. I find that ..........odd.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Who knows why anything happens!
Do you by any chance have younger siblings?
Maybe you had to go through seeing your mother becoming attached to a new infant, even though you were already attached to her, and you never acted out. People say we keep reliving our unresolved childhood trauma through our adult relationships. I might be prone to endorse that theory, though there really isn't anything one can do beyond recognition. The human psyche is deeply engrained in our subconscious, even when we are aware of things, we are still largely unaware...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I don't know if you've been in the situation before, because many of the guys thought the same thing you did.


This was a totally different situation. I'd argue Matt's situation was rare if not unique. I have yet to run across a similar story on this board.


----------



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I read Matt Matt's and I didn't see that Matt mentioned that his wife has ASD with all its emotional deficits and a limited behavioural skill set. I don't know what Matt's wife is like because ASDs are very different one from another in terms of intelligence, emotional development and skill sets. Unlike Matt's wife, I am unable to cheat. I don't think it has mush to do with loyalty so much as that I can't read people and rationalize emotions because in many cases I don't feel them deeply. If I can identify an emotional response I am ill equipped to deal wit, unless its one learned and practiced. 
I have had serious relationships with five women and four of them cheated. Based on what my wife tells me it was likely that I was not meeting the emotional needs of these women. Its a lame excuse to say that I did what I did because I was clueless and had no idea they needed something. It can seem quite simple. Gee I'd like to know what its like to cheat on my spouse and if I can get the chance I'll do it. Telling Matt she was going to do it speaks more to not understanding what she was doing. Maybe she though she was doing Matt a favour be telling him about it first.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> I read Matt Matt's and I didn't see that Matt mentioned that his wife has ASD with all its emotional deficits and a limited behavioural skill set.


 Yes, he explained this quite thoroughly in many of the Bi-polar threads that pop up.



> Telling Matt she was going to do it speaks more to not understanding what she was doing. Maybe she though she was doing Matt a favour be telling him about it first.


We will disagree. IMO, from what he has stated, she understood marriage, infidelity and love.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I now know that my WS had a track record. I realised this over the last 12 months - April 2nd is DDay. I had never put the jigsaw together until now.

It seems ludicrous but back then 19 years ago I didn't really care that she was living with her ex-husband when we met. She assured me it was all over and she was parked until she found a place to move to. She found my place.

(Her mother recently revealed that she had a bit of a re-bound pattern). Technically I was cheating with her on her husband - but it didn't bother me because back then I knew it was over and that she was the one for me. I never met him and I didn't rip off other blokes.

And yet my WS maintains that the first words she spoke to me when I walked into the boardroom to introduce myself (they had her temp set up there) were 'I'm married". Still I didn't think of that as any big deal - I didn't automatically back off. The attraction was immense. Maybe I have low morals after all.

Some time later she revealed that she had been having an affair with another man while she was married - the mystery man she had to meet one night to say "goodbye" to when we started out. The man I maintain to this day was her boss at her previous place of employment - the same man she followed over to our workplace for a new career.

Around the same time she told me she had slept with her best GF's partner - a classic bad boy, who, like her very first boyfriend when she was 16, had done prison time.

And then I cop it in the neck. The nice guy who goes for the strong personality type women - my opposite. So you could argue I did it to myself - but my defence is I didn't have a clue; i didn't think about this stuff. I didn't act vindictively i was just plain ignorant - way too nice. To some degree it is me.

PS: I was a pretty bad partner in more recent years - read my thread. No cheating - just depressed, angry and unattractive. No excuse for what she did to me though.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Matt....you know my answer....

You undervalue yourself.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think it is a combination of her ASD and knowing that she could... Some people just don't have the social or emotional skills to grasp the ability to empathize. Throw in a bit of self confidence from Matt, and it is a perfect storm. 

Matt, I forget (or don't know?) How she reacted to your RA attempt? How has she not strayed since?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Her A-Spectrum issues are not the excuse for her cheating. I know many Aspies.....many... and most of them have very acutely defined moral boundaries and personal codes that they simply will not cross. Many of them are moral to the point of being maddening. 

The root cause of Matt's wife cheating with the other man is she had zero positive role models in her life, an immoral upbringing and simply because she wanted to. Just because you are an Aspie doesn't mean you cannot lust after someone and give into that lust. Where her Aspergers showed itself was her telling Matt she was going to do it and then doing it irrespective of his feelings. Most cheaters would have kept their mouths shut and risked it.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Her A-Spectrum issues are not the excuse for her cheating. I know many Aspies.....many... and most of them have very acutely defined moral boundaries and personal codes that they simply will not cross. Many of them are moral to the point of being maddening.
> 
> The root cause of Matt's wife cheating with the other man is she had zero positive role models in her life, an immoral upbringing and simply because she wanted to. Just because you are an Aspie doesn't mean you cannot lust after someone and give into that lust. Where her Aspergers showed itself was her telling Matt she was going to do it and then doing it irrespective of his feelings. Most cheaters would have kept their mouths shut and risked it.


Bingo


----------



## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Where her Aspergers showed itself was her telling Matt she was going to do it and then doing it irrespective of his feelings. Most cheaters would have kept their mouths shut and risked it.




I presume this rationale also is the reason why Matt Matt could virtually negate his own ego and continue to live with her – ascribing her extreme level of disrespect*, or the extent to which she took for granted he would not leave** - to her mental challenges, and not to his status / importance in her life.
(Presuming he knew at that time that she had Asperger’s).

*or respect, going by a raw logic of cutting-edge
honesty

**I often wonder: did she just believe he would
stay? Would she have stopped short of the affair / 
conducted in covertly but not openly, if he had
threatened to leave?


Her bewilderment at the level of Matt’s hurt – I guess that also was her Asperger’s showing up.


----------

