# I've been unfair to my husband and now he's gone...



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

About a month ago, my husband started questioning everything in his life: who he was, his marriage, his future. I knew a lot of what he was questioning, had to do with us. Did we really love each other? We've always been there for each other, but not in the ways that counted. I gave him my unconditional love and support for everything in life and he did the same for me. The one thing we didn't have was a sex life. I love him more than the world, but I have always been shy around him when it came to sex. He was my first so he knew I didn't have a history. I was always afraid of making a fool of myself or not being able to satisfy him so I never initiated sex. Over the years, I've started putting on weight and having pain during sex. I assumed a lot of it had to do with my BC so last year I stopped. I've been to a new doctor to find out what's wrong with me. There were so many nights that I would get up the courage and think I could break this cycle, but by the time we got to bed, something would take over and I wouldn't be able to initiate the intimacy that we were both craving. He stopped asking with the hopes that I would step up to the plate but that didn’t happen. When he did ask, I never refused.

My husband moved out this weekend after saying he wasn't sure we were really ever in love with each other. I don't blame him one bit for thinking this way. I know there was a spark between us at one time. I can remember the way I felt the first time we kissed. I remember the excitement I felt when he called me and we would talk on the phone I've had a lot of time to reflect on things I've done and not done and I was so wrong. I realize how I ruined my marriage. I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I want so badly to be able to tell him and show him how much he means to me.

There are so many things I want to say to him, but I don't want to pressure him. I think the time apart is good for each of us: we need time to redefine our selves as individuals. I am going to counseling for my self-esteem issues and to find out why I have such a low sex drive. I'm going to a gym and trying really hard to get myself back to the person he married, both physically and mentally. I'm trying to build friendships outside of our marriage so I'm not relying on him for everything. I want us to go to a sex therapist - is this an okay idea? 

Have I lost him for good? Is everything I'm doing now too little too late? When is the right time for me to start trying to re-build our relationship? I don't want to continue the cycle by waiting for him to initiate contact, but I don't want to scare him away? 

I'm so afraid that if I can't at least try to rebuild our relationship, I'll never have anyone else in my life. Sorry this has been so long, but I had so much that I needed to get out. Thanks for listening.


----------



## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Zoecat,

I think you just need to be honest with your husband and express yourself to him as you have done here. It doesn't sound like either one of you have done anything bad to the other, so I don't see where any serious harm has been done. I just had my 12th wedding anniversary and we have had an interesting year to say the least, but we have survived. Marriage takes work and you both need to be willing to put forth the effort, it will pay off. I was unhappy with our frequency of intimacy so I said something about it. I hope that your husband will understand if you have physical issues that are preventing you from engaging him the way you would like. At least your desire for him is there, that's a big plus. Communication is the key, Zoecat. You came to the right place here, it has helped me quite a bit over the last several months as well.

Take care and good luck!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You never needed a sex therapist, you just needed to be honest with yourself and him. you seem to have now reached that point. There was nothing wrong with your sex drive, it was your mind inhibiting you drive. Now you seem to be ready to not take the mutterings of your mind so seriously.

This is the problem with most people. Their mind as silly little thoughts, and they believe them. Don't belive everything you see on the telly, and don't believe every thought in your head 

Have you told your hubby you want to work on the sex? Have you told him like you just told us?


----------



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I did tell him that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to change but this was before he moved out. I want to give him some time to work on his own "demons". How do I go about rebuilding a sexual relationship with him without seeming pushy or needy? My actions may come across wrong if I go from zero to sixty in one week.


----------



## Mattie J (Sep 1, 2009)

Zoecat,

I'm not sure I understand how your intentions can come out wrong by the fact that you want to connect with your husband. I'm a little confused by your concerns, do you have self-esteem issues? You don't have to be pushy, but you are needy, needy of physical contact with him. There's nothing wrong with that; that is the true joy of marriage. I know for me sexual intimacy is the primary way that I connect with my wife and reaffirm our love for each other. I feel much more connected with her after we have been intimate. It's much more than just having a 10 second orgasm. I'm sure its the same for you and I suspect its the same for your husband. If your husband needs time to sort out his "demons" then I suppose you should give him that time, but it would be nice to know what those "demons" are, wouldn't it? It's tough to solve a problem when you don't specifically know what it is. Communication is the only way you will find out, and you should be able to accomplish this without being pushy or needy. You'll be demonstrating genuine concern and love for him, and he should respond favorably. Keep us posted...


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ZoeCat said:


> There were so many nights that I would get up the courage and think I could break this cycle, but by the time we got to bed, something would take over and I wouldn't be able to initiate the intimacy that we were both craving.


Tell him this.


----------

