# Has your child ever been made uncomfortable by a friend they think is gay?



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My daughter (14) has a group of 4 best friends, including her. One of them whom she likes very much (as a friend) really makes her feel uncomfortable with how obsessed she is with her and she thinks she might actually like her in a way she does not reciprocate, because she is not gay. My daughter suffers from anxiety to begin with (and this girl also has issues, like cutting and an alleged attempted suicide....not confirmed to me by any adult) and this really worries her. She's missing her (the friend's) birthday party tonight because she (my daughter) is ill--she has a fever--and she's so afraid her friend will take it personally because she can sense she makes her uncomfortable. My daughter goes so far as to make sure she pulls away from EVERYone of her friends when they try to hug or or whatever so this one friend doesn't feel bad/singled out. I could give specific examples of why my daughter feels this way, but I don't feel like typing it all out and it really doesn't matter. She feels what she feels. I went through this in college with a female friend so I understand. Just can't really imagine having to deal with it in 8th grade . She loves this friend....as a friend.....

Has anyone had to deal with this? What did you do?

Also, they go to Christian school so of course that presents a LOT more issues. My daughter told me today she's "homophobic." I asked her what that meant and she said, "well, I just feel that being gay is wrong. A sin." I said, "Well, lots of Christians believe that way, and the Bible does talk about it, but people can't choose that....they are born that way, and if you're a person who feels gay and also believes it is a sin, can you imagine how hard that would be to deal with? You still need to treat those people with the same love and respect as everybody else."


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Hmm, I don't know how to handle that. There's a LGBT club at my kid's high school and we have family members that are gay and lesbian so it's always just been a part of our life. Never pointed out weird or wrong 

I think what you said to her was really good.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Interesting dilemma.

Your daughter sounds like a very kind girl and that is to be commended. Her fear or dislike of homosexuals is indeed something taught in many Christian school but you sound like a very well involved parent who can balance the biblical message and the various interpretations.

My oldest daughter is a lesbian. She did not understand her sexuality until after college though. She had an extremely rough time socially in middle school. High school the kids were less inclined to be so exclusionary. Some of her middle school issues were from some girls calling her a lesbian. As it turns out, they were right! However, at the time my daughter had no idea that she had a sexual orientation in that way because she had no sexual feelings. This is what people don't understand. It can take a kid years before they start to actually have sexual feelings toward others, even if they are gay. 

Your daughter already gave you a big clue about what might be causing her discomfort, she believes homosexuality is wrong. This probably means that she thinks lesbians always have sexual feelings to every girl they know, and that's just not true. We know this because as woman, we do not have sexual feelings toward every man we know? So I think your daughter is over reacting for one thing.

You say this girl has some other problems going on. Can you imagine what life might be like for her? Thinking she might be gay while attending a school in which homophobia is either overlooked or outright encouraged? A school that teaches homosexuals are sexual deviants who slink in dark alleys for nefarious intents. So I can see that she probably does have some problems!

How to help your daughter? Keep doing what you are already doing. You are teaching her inclusion and acceptance. You are teaching her kindness and love. You are doing a great job!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Interesting dilemma.
> 
> Your daughter sounds like a very kind girl and that is to be commended. Her fear or dislike of homosexuals is indeed something taught in many Christian school but you sound like a very well involved parent who can balance the biblical message and the various interpretations.
> 
> ...


This is all great advice. The advice about how every lesbian does not have sexual feelings toward everyone she knows is very good, and makes complete sense. Also just realizing not everyone this age even HAS sexual feelings at all....my daughter most certainly does not....she's immature in that way. She only recently learned that people have sex for pleasure and not just to make babies and she was totally grossed out.

I think my daughter is just not used to someone paying quite so much attention to her, even though everyone really loves her because she's just....adaptable and quite passive (and very timid and shy). One of the examples she gave me was that her friend drew a pic of a girl in a bikini in art class (they are both amazing artists).....I said, "Well, honey, that does not make her a lesbian...." She said, "Well, she said it was me!!!!"  (And as far as I know, she's never seen her in a bikini....we have a pool, but I can't remember having her over here.) She also describes this girl bolting across the classroom to partner up with her specifically for projects, but of course that that not make her gay. Maybe she just realizes my daughter is quite amazing!   (not biased....lol)

This girl only came to the Christian school in 7th grade, last year. (Most kids have been there since K, including my kids). I don't know the parents well at all (although my impression of the mom, also an artist, is very favorable and the impression of the dad is not at all negative), but I of course do sometimes wonder why families choose to transfer kids from public school to Christian school in middle school....i.e. are they trying to correct certain behaviors?

I'm a very liberal Christian. If my kids were gay, I'd just love the heck out of them. (Their dad, another issue....but if you read my other threads that's certainly not his only issue lol). I know what they're taught in school, I know what I teach them about loving everyone regardless, but if her friend DOES legitimately have feelings for her, not sure how to tell her to handle it since my daughter is not gay, but still really wants to be her friend.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My kids have very little worry about this. Usually all I hear is of course he/she isn't going to that event, he she doesn't like girls/boys. Like I should have already known. Any way they are friends and that is separate from dating and sexual attraction.

On the other hand, my daughter who is aromantic (no emotional interest in other people) was treated quite cruelly by the girls in her class. They often planned situations to make her feel uncomfortable. It's a heck of a thing to have a Daughter suffering from PTSD at the end of High School. 
MN


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> .... * It's a heck of a thing to have a Daughter suffering from PTSD at the end of High School. *
> MN


And for years afterward.

OP, while it *might* be something your daughter is picking up, it's really not likely. The most likely scenario is that the girl is socially awkward and clings to your daughter for security. It is the clinginess that your daughter reacts to negatively. Also, the girl might be very envious of your daughters figure and that's why she drew her. Or she drew a representation of her ideal body type and attributed it to your daughter...? This point is, there are far too many very reasonable and logical explanations.

OTOH, sometimes you just now a kid is gay but you can't really define why you just know.

I would be curious to know if anyone else in this group has mentioned the same thing? 

It troubles me greatly to think that this girl might be ostracized because of misconceptions about what being gay means and she might not even be gay.

ETA: if you met my daughter and her wide circle of friends you would never peg them as lesbians. Except two. They are all pretty feminine young women and some of them even wear a lot of make up.

My daughter recently went on the BC to regulate her periods and the doc gasped and said, what have you been using if you're not already on BC. She laughed, pointed to herself and said..."****."


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Encouraging open conversation about this might help. I had a gay best friend just out of high school and we had many good conversations about beliefs and boundaries. He wanted more but I simply told him I wasn't going to swing that way but I still cared a lot for him as a friend. He totally respected me and really liked that I wasn't put off by him. He was a great guy.

The girl you describe really is in an unhealthy time right now. Cutting is very serious. I would be far more concerned about her depression and self harm. Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

2ndTime'Round,



It's been my experience that discomfort and fear are greatest when contemplating the unknown. I can think of a couple of instances in my teens and early adult life where I had gotten out of my small town and met people who were "different than the homogenous folks in my home town". It was eye-opening and the fears went away quickly. Being around folks who were "normal" (as far as I could see), except different from me and my hometown folks in one particular way or another, left me thinking "so what was supposed to be such a big deal."



Perhaps someday she will have that experience, and get to know some people who happen to be homosexual, and see how normal they are. Knowing someone humanizes them, and gives empathy a chance to form.



Until then, perhaps you could expose her the following:



1) A documentary called "For the Bible Tells Me So". It is available on Netflix. I found it very touching and respectful. There is a trailer/preview on YouTube, but I don't think it does the film justice.



What the film delivers very well is real people talking sincerely about these issues and the impact the issues have had on their lives. People who have struggled in the same way your daughter's friend may be struggling (or may not be). And how the people in their lives -- parents, church community, etc. -- have reacted, sometimes instantly with love, sometimes with fear and disappointment, and sometimes with internal conflict.



2) www.itgetsbetter.org



It may be especially relevant to your daughters friend, depending.





ETA: Beware there is a very graphic image part way through (of a deceased woman).



ETA2: And again (two or more) at 1:14 in. Very sad.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful posts and advice.

To answer if anyone else in the group thinks the same, she said she'd only talked to one about it and she said she doesn't think so--and she's the one whose known her the longest. But, she said other kids in her class do think that, mainly some boys. (And I just realized that if my daughter thinks the boys think that, she probably really does not want them thinking that about *her* by association, since she likes boys and wants boys to like her, not think she prefers girls.) 

Before I got to know this girl's mother a little (didn't know her at all), I had been trying to set up a lunch with another mother in the group (whose known the family for years) specifically to talk about this girl and my concern for her and the cutting, etc. I just had no idea what her home life was like, if anyone was getting her any help, etc. The lunch never worked out, I met the girl's mom and have been in their home, and found out she actually is in counseling and mom seems really cool and supportive. So, I feel better about that part of it at least. I've advised my daughter that the best way to help her friend with that part of it is to keep asking about it. Not every day of course, but just ask her how she's doing with it, etc. People don't typically just bring up their problems and say, "hey, let's talking about my demons!" but they will open up if you ask how they're doing. We have a good family friend who is a teenager who cuts and has anxiety, and we met for dinner to she could also help my daughter help her friend. She suggested she encourage her friend to keep a calendar of her days being "sober" from cutting, feel free to share it with my daughter for accountability and encouragement, etc. 

But anyway, back to the original issue. Thanks so much for all of the replies. It's all very helpful.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she needs to be frank with her and just say I think of you as a friend and thats it. if you want to be friends cool but I am getting a uncomfortable feeling around you because I think you want to be more than friends. So what do you say are you cool with that.....great lets grab a milkshake. and talk about how difficult it is to be gay and how can i help.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think my daughter is just not used to someone paying quite so much attention to her, even though everyone really loves her because she's just....adaptable and quite passive (and very timid and shy). One of the examples she gave me was that her friend drew a pic of a girl in a bikini in art class (they are both amazing artists).....I said, "Well, honey, that does not make her a lesbian...." She said, "Well, she said it was me!!!!"  (And as far as I know, she's never seen her in a bikini....we have a pool, but I can't remember having her over here.) She also describes this girl bolting across the classroom to partner up with her specifically for projects, but of course that that not make her gay. Maybe she just realizes my daughter is quite amazing!   (not biased....lol)
> 
> This girl only came to the Christian school in 7th grade, last year. (Most kids have been there since K, including my kids). I don't know the parents well at all (although my impression of the mom, also an artist, is very favorable and the impression of the dad is not at all negative), but I of course do sometimes wonder why families choose to transfer kids from public school to Christian school in middle school....i.e. are they trying to correct certain behaviors?
> 
> I'm a very liberal Christian. If my kids were gay, I'd just love the heck out of them. (Their dad, another issue....but if you read my other threads that's certainly not his only issue lol). I know what they're taught in school, I know what I teach them about loving everyone regardless, but if her friend DOES legitimately have feelings for her, not sure how to tell her to handle it since my daughter is not gay, but still really wants to be her friend.


I transferred from public school to a private Catholic school in 5th grade. My parents thought it would be easier on me in a smaller school to deal with that awkward age, even though that was not the case for me. It was also when my parents could afford it, where as money was too tight beforehand. Switching schools doesn't really mean anything. My brother switched to that private school in 7th grade. There wasn't a big reason behind it, as my brother was never a trouble maker and always did well in school. 

Drawing your daughter in a bikini means very little. I love art myself and find it easier to draw those I know, than those I don't. I can better imagine them vs a random person, if that makes sense. It does not mean I have feelings for any of them or think a certain way about them. It just sounds like the girl is very affectionate/clingy and that is what makes your daughter uncomfortable. I don't think the girl herself knows whether or not she is actually gay. My brother is gay and didn't fully come to that conclusion until after high school. He had some idea, but never acted on it or really explored that until he was much older. I was called a lesbian myself in high school by the guys because I was a bit of a "tom boy"(did well in sports and dressed more conservative - not overly feminine). I don't swing that way, but it was a label I got stuck with for a while. 

I would just keep talking about being inclusive and treating everyone with respect.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Is anyone actually sure that this girl is gay? It sounds like a lot of so and so thinks so, and this person thinks so. Does anyone actually know?

Maybe she just really likes your daughter (as a friend).


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Is anyone actually sure that this girl is gay? It sounds like a lot of so and so thinks so, and this person thinks so. Does anyone actually know?
> 
> Maybe she just really likes your daughter (as a friend).


Nope, there is no "evidence" at all that she is. My daughter really likes her friend, but when I suggest an activity involving just the two of them, she gets all nervous, flushes, looks terrified . (She missed her birthday party Friday night so I suggested that maybe she could invite the friend to sleep over here one day next week since they have standardized testing/no homework....she freaked and insisted only if all 4 friends were allowed). I have no idea if this girl is a lesbian or not. Just wanted some advice to try to calm my daughter down about it .


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Nope, there is no "evidence" at all that she is. My daughter really likes her friend, but when I suggest an activity involving just the two of them, she gets all nervous, flushes, looks terrified . (She missed her birthday party Friday night so I suggested that maybe she could invite the friend to sleep over here one day next week since they have standardized testing/no homework....she freaked and insisted only if all 4 friends were allowed). I have no idea if this girl is a lesbian or not. Just wanted some advice to try to calm my daughter down about it .


*I'd suggest that you have all four of them over for a sleepover and discreetly observe all of their interactions with each other for yourself! That should give you a much better perception of what it is that might be going on!*


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Nope, there is no "evidence" at all that she is. My daughter really likes her friend, but when I suggest an activity involving just the two of them, she gets all nervous, flushes, looks terrified . (She missed her birthday party Friday night so I suggested that maybe she could invite the friend to sleep over here one day next week since they have standardized testing/no homework....she freaked and insisted only if all 4 friends were allowed). I have no idea if this girl is a lesbian or not. Just wanted some advice to try to calm my daughter down about it .


The other possibility to explain your daughter's fear and discomfort of 1:1 time with this girl is that it is your daughter who has a crush on the girl. Since your daughter is under the conviction that homosexuality is wrong, she projects onto her friend her own feelings. Have heard of this phenomena from other lesbians in my daughter's circle. Forget what they call it though.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *I'd suggest that you have all four of them over for a sleepover and discreetly observe all of their interactions with each other for yourself! That should give you a much better perception of what it is that might be going on!*


I did have all four of them over for a two night sleepover over "spring break" (got snowed in, therefore the second night)......wish I'd been paying more attention THEN!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You might ask your daughter directly how this girl is being treated by other kids at school. Are there rumors going on behind her back, and/or are people "teasing" (bullying) her or shaming (bullying) her directly? How are LGBT folks regarded in the school -- are there any adults and teens who are openly non-heterosexual, or suspected non-heterosexuals, and how do the kids treat them or talk about them?

If kids are mistreating your daughter's friend, it seems unlikely that would stop without an adult stepping in to insist on the school putting a stop to it. (In my state, there is a state law requiring the school to take certain actions -- not sure about yours, and not sure if it is possble to impose such a requirement on a private and religiious-based school).


It is admirable you and your daugher are concerned about this girl's anxiety and cutting issues. I wonder if the girl has been mistreated by the other kids, and if that is part of what she is struggling with. 

I also wonder if mistreatement by kids at her previous school is what led her parents to move her to the private school -- e.g., an attempt to give her a new start. (I hope it wasn't an attempt by her parents to put her in an environment less accepting of homosexuality, hoping to change her. The saddest and scariest pat of the documentary I mentioned earlier was the story of a mother who, following the teachings of the Focus On the Family founder, James Dobson, rejected her daughter for being gay...and her daughter eventually killed herself. The woman has since written a book disucssing that very sad part of her life and what she has learned since about homosexuality and the bible. Her webiste is at teach-ministries.org, and has the purpose of "To Educate About the Consequences of Homophobia". 

Your daughter sounds conflicted and/or unncomfortable about how she (her own self) feels. Whether she is projecting a bit of a crush, or if she is "homophobic", if I read your posts correctly then it does seem like she, your daughter, is struggling to accept her own feelings.

That recently happened with my 15 year old daughter. She is finding she no longer likes or wants to be friends with a girl she has known since about third or fourth grade. Besides all the visible drama swirlinng around the incidents that led her to that conclusion, I could see -- and she confirmed -- that she didn't like being someone who had such feelings. FWIW, I conveyed to her that everyone has feelings like that, and it is part of growing up to go through things like that.... I'm leaving quite a bit out, but what I'm trying to get to is maybe it would be helpful to get your daughter to talk about her own "internal uncomfortableness" about the things she is feeling right now. Just a thought.

Btw, I'll defer to those in a better position to know, but my belief is an 8th grade girl who feels a crush towards another girl, a close friend, is not necessarily a lesbian.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The girl cutting herself is a LOT more serious than the fact that she might be gay.

You just repeat what you told your daughter before, that gay people are just the same as the rest of us (because they are) and that they don't automatically crush on all members of the same sex, just like you and I don't crush on every man we meet in day to day life.

The bigger deal you make of it, the bigger the (imaginary) problem your daughter has with it will become.

Anon Pink raised a good point, that it could in fact be your daughter who may be gay and she's frightened. It may also be timely to hypothetically discuss with your daughter how you'd "love the hell out of them" if one of your children were gay


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

PieceOfSky said:


> *You might ask your daughter directly how this girl is being treated by other kids at school. Are there rumors going on behind her back, and/or are people "teasing" (bullying) her or shaming (bullying) her directly? *How are LGBT folks regarded in the school -- are there any adults and teens who are openly non-heterosexual, or suspected non-heterosexuals, and how do the kids treat them or talk about them?
> 
> If kids are mistreating your daughter's friend, it seems unlikely that would stop without an adult stepping in to insist on the school putting a stop to it. (In my state, there is a state law requiring the school to take certain actions -- *not sure about yours, and not sure if it is possble to impose such a requirement on a private and religiious-based school*).
> 
> ...


As everyone else, this is an extremely helpful post. I really, really appreciate the kind and insightful responses from fellow parents. 

I've bolded the parts I wanted to respond to.

I don't think this girl is bullied or treated unkindly, but as I said in another response, my daughter has told me some of the boys have said they think this girl is gay. As far as what that means (how they've said it, when, to what extent??) I really don't know and I'd have to ask her more. 

I highly doubt my kids' school is required to comply with any state laws regarding with this issue, or that there are any openly gay people on staff. It's a pretty evangelically conservative school. The are many that are way "worse," but compared to public school.....nope, no homosexuality permitted.

Not sure if she's been mistreated. I would be surprised if she has. She seems so happy and jovial when I've interacted with her. I volunteer weekly in the school, at unscheduled times, and whenever she, or any of her friends see me in the hallway they're always super hyper and cheerful to see me and say hi (as opposed to my daughter who is of course totally mortified lol). I've only ever seen this girl as really happy :/....of course means nothing). 

The part you bolded about my daughter being uncomfortable about how SHE feels is absolutely the most important part. I mean, she clearly IS uncomfortable, so getting to the bottom of exactly why and helping her deal with it in the best way possible is the most important thing here. 

My daughter had a lot of discomfort and guilt withdrawing from her former best friend when she saw her becoming too gossipy and catty. She felt a lot of guilt at rebuffing requests to get together, etc., and explained to me why . I felt sad about it since I really loved this girl and didn't have any idea she was becoming like that, but at the same time respected my daughter's instincts and desires for what she wants in a friendship. Had to guide her through that, so I'm sure I can guide her through this as well. 

And, to the last bolded part, I think I'm tending to agree. When I was in 6th grade I remember having a sleepover with my BFF, sleeping in the same bed, and she held my hand. I remember being totally freaked out. Neither one of us ended being gay .


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

frusdil said:


> The girl cutting herself is a LOT more serious than the fact that she might be gay.
> 
> You just repeat what you told your daughter before, that gay people are just the same as the rest of us (because they are) and that they don't automatically crush on all members of the same sex, just like you and I don't crush on every man we meet in day to day life.
> 
> ...


Great advice .

I really do not think she is gay, but I'm certainly not opposed to addressing it. She did recently say something to me about how if her brother were gay that I'd be OK with it but Dad would have a fit. True story. And also both grandmothers. 

She's already had a boyfriend, although I realize that means nothing. Especially since she was petrified to kiss him lol 

Thanks, everyone for your feedback! I love this parenting forum!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I thought at first you were talking about my youngest daughter until you mentioned the kids go to a Christian school. 

I thought my now 15yr old had a rather unhealthy attachment to a friend of hers. They don't appear to be as close as they used to be. 

My daughter was a cutter, I still go through her room periodically to make sure there is nothing in there for her to cut herself with. She has been in and out of therapy for about 3yrs now. 

She also changes her sexuality status on a daily basis. I honestly think she does it just to try and shock me anymore. Her current bff is a girl, but my daughter always refers to her with a guy's name. Her friend is transgender. She (the friend) has super short hair, wears guy clothes, and binds her breasts. 

I just want my kid to be happy and healthy. If she is gay or not, I don't care. I'm just tired of kids at school bullying her and getting away with it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I really do not think she is gay, but I'm certainly not opposed to addressing it. She did recently say something to me about how if her brother were gay that I'd be OK with it but Dad would have a fit. True story. And also both grandmothers..


My religious convictions regarding sexuality affected me greatly in my teens and early twenties. I felt **much** shame because of my desires and how I acted on them (alone, nothing out of the ordinary). As important as Mom, Dad, and grandmothers' opinions are, it is possible she is concerned about whether God would be OK with it, too.

I happened to notice the teaching-ministries.org site's Links page point to resources (books, documentaries, etc.) that seem to be saying God would be OK with it. (Sorry to keep mentioning that site -- it's just the only such site I have looked at today )


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Great advice .
> 
> I really do not think she is gay, but I'm certainly not opposed to addressing it. She did recently say something to me about how if her brother were gay that I'd be OK with it but Dad would have a fit. True story. And also both grandmothers.
> 
> ...


I would have a discussion with her, about how you will love her no matter what and how those that are gay are the same as everyone else. Peiceofsky also made a good point of talking about how God is okay with it, too. He loves everyone. Having a boyfriend doesn't mean much, as my brother had about 3 or 4 "girlfriends". It was about trying to figure out what his sexuality was, and he was never very comfortable around any of them. Even if it's your daughter who may have the crush, I doubt she would know for sure at her age about her sexuality. I see it more as a normal little crush. Most girls go through it. I slept in the same bed as my best friend and we held hands in 6th grade. It didn't make us lesbian, as we're both married now and have a child.


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## LostTeen (May 3, 2015)

Just recently, I've been in pretty much the same situation as your daughter, minus the homophobia. I've been asked out by a close friend and said no. It put a lot of stress on our friendship, but we're still really close. You need to talk with her more about LGBTQ people. Acceptance is really important. If she wants to stay friends with the other girl, she'll need to look at this from a few more angles. this is a crucial time in figuring out your values. Guide her, but make sure you don't push her.


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