# what to do....



## h20 (Mar 9, 2009)

This past week my wife of 10 yrs brought up that she doesn't love me anymore, considers me to be more like a brother than husband which makes it difficult to be intimate. Sure we’ve had some tough times over the last couple of years, at least one time previously she brought up divorce.

We have external stresses like 2 houses, one which we are trying to sell, one which we just couldn't let go by because of the extras that the other one didn't have...
We both work 6 days a week...

Somewhere along the line I lost her trust. She tells me that I should know what the problem is and that she doesn't want to spell it out because I’ll dwell on one thing and not the whole bigger issue.

Thing is I didn't know that there was a problem. Perhaps going through the routine on “auto pilot” I’ve missed things. Maybe I dont show the right kind of affection, or not enough...How could she let “us” get to this? I dont want to place blame, its not her fault and takes two to tango. If you were in a simular situation wouldn't you bring it to the attention of your significant other that you felt this way before it got this far?

I don't want to get divorced, I love her too much to just give up. Is there a way to repair it?


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## AdrenalineJunkie (Dec 30, 2010)

Yes I think if she has felt this way awhile she should have brought it up and told you why. 
My husband and I have been having similar issues. Only he was not showing me affection and putting me down and hurting my feelings, also not backing me up on parenting of our 2 kids. After a couple of years of feeling disconnected and a roller coaster ride I told him I was unhappy and how it made me feel. He didn't want to talk about it or let it just go right by like I would never go anywhere. 
It took me telling him I was starting to feel for someone else for him to want to fix things. So we've been working on things but it's still very hard because I had lost that intimate feeling for him.
If this is a recent thing then there is still a chance for you guys if you are willing. I would suggest some couples and individual counseling. the hardest part is getting her to agree with work on things as well. Both people have to be willing to work on it. Good luck to you. I hope everything works out.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Read the book, _The Five Love Languages_, by Gary Chapman. I believe you will find the book perfectly addresses your post. It will provide the tools you are looking for.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

h20 said:


> This past week my wife of 10 yrs brought up that she doesn't love me anymore, considers me to be more like a brother than husband which makes it difficult to be intimate. Sure we’ve had some tough times over the last couple of years, at least one time previously she brought up divorce.
> 
> We have external stresses like 2 houses, one which we are trying to sell, one which we just couldn't let go by because of the extras that the other one didn't have...
> We both work 6 days a week...
> ...


Just my two cents but I think that it can be repaired but she has to want to repair it. If you two can talk and see if it is both of your focusing on the external issues that have driven a wedge between you, then maybe it can be repaired. To be honest, when you hear the "I don't love you anymore...", this tends to be difficult to overcome. She is not viewing you as her husband and, depending upon where her head is, she might not ever be able to view you like that. 

Please do talk to her and see what the deal is. But also prepare for things to not go as you hope. I firmly believe that when someone shows you who they are and what they feel, you need to believe them. Good luck.


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## h20 (Mar 9, 2009)

Thanks for your replies. I will read that book. 

It's difficult right now because all I want to do is be close to her, hold her and she cant. I miss her a ton (even though we are still in the same roof & bed)

This is driving me a bit nuts.... I will give her some space and hope that she comes around.

I'm not ready to give up!


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

I feel so much like that, H says he doesn't have loving feelings for me any more, but he is kind and attentive and isn't making any moves to get out of the house. I am going along understanding that there is a problem in our marriage, but I keep telling him that the 27 years, 2 kids and all the other things we shared are worth fighting for. He went away for work this morning, I think it is a good thing for him to have some time alone. He came to the bed we still share and gave me a kiss good bye. For the last two week he has not been kissing me. I can't let it go this easily. I told him I don't want him to be stressed or pressured, but come on, 27 years, most of which were good, is worth working on. We have grandchildren to share, retirement, etc. I think we can make it go, and I think you could too. Hang in there, even though it makes you nuts. I have been exercising, reading and catching up on things around the house.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Read the book, _The Five Love Languages_, by Gary Chapman. I believe you will find the book perfectly addresses your post. It will provide the tools you are looking for.


:iagree: This book did wonders for us so far. We've been married 10 years and sort of got to this. We both love each other, but we admit we'd fallen out of love with each other. Now we are on track. I'm excited to say we've even argued over something petty, which is a good thing for us because we always keep things in and don't argue.  Good luck. Just go give her a hug and say that you want to work it out. Will she let you do at least that much?


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## h20 (Mar 9, 2009)

She didnt at first... she was hard set on not having me touch her. Than after a few days she started warming up... i get some glimmers of hope.... had an "I love you", and a kiss here and there. For now I'm taking it day by day.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

h20 said:


> Somewhere along the line I lost her trust. She tells me that I should know what the problem is and that she doesn't want to spell it out because I’ll dwell on one thing and not the whole bigger issue.


How do I say this in a way that is not overly accusatory. First let me say that you are not the only one to blame. There are two sides to everything. But you are the one who is here. And you are the only one who can act for you.

I would bet a dollar that over the years she has repeatedly raised a few, seemingly to you, small issues. There may be say five of them. And you got the dinner plate, or the remote, and said mmm hmmm I know what you mean honey, Yup. Ah huh. And then.... poof. I mean it didn't necessarily go like that, but there has been something that has been there the whole time.

So now in addition to the something or things that have been there the whole time, there is a feeling in her that you did not care enough to take care of it.

Think back. Delve back. Was she domestically or practically over burdened? Did she feel emotionally disconnected and unromanced....?

IF you can come up with some ideas of what is the trouble, you can use it as a conversation starter. EVEN IF YOU GET IT WRONG, you can still use it to start the conversation. Because she will NEED to correct you! And she may well feel a little sense of your interest by your trying to figure out.



> Thing is I didn't know that there was a problem. Perhaps going through the routine on “auto pilot” I’ve missed things.


Well you said that nicer than I did.



> Maybe I dont show the right kind of affection, or not enough...How could she let “us” get to this? I dont want to place blame, its not her fault and takes two to tango. If you were in a simular situation wouldn't you bring it to the attention of your significant other that you felt this way before it got this far?


I would bet a dollar that she did. But men are from Mars and all that jazz.



> I don't want to get divorced, I love her too much to just give up. Is there a way to repair it?


Tell her so. Fight. Tell her you want counseling, books, love languages, quizzes... whatever it takes.

Good luck, man!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

h20 said:


> Thanks for your replies. I will read that book.
> 
> It's difficult right now because all I want to do is be close to her, hold her and she cant. I miss her a ton (even though we are still in the same roof & bed)
> 
> ...


One thing to be cautious of, in my opinion. As you try to work to redevelop the connection, figure out the marital issues, don't become a puppy. Don't follow her around waiting for approval or a "pat"... Ask me how I know.


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## h20 (Mar 9, 2009)

How do you know ? The first day after this started I partially did...I felt lost since it blindsided me. I stopped.. and started looking for advice & begin to sort things out.


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## h20 (Mar 9, 2009)

**Small Update**

I asked her Do you love me?, and the answer that I got was "I want to"... that's a good sign right? 

Still taking it day by day.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Just a hunch, but the real problem -maybe - is your worklife caused you to slowly drift away from her over the years. Then you woke up one morning wandering "what happened"?

Some together time away from day-to-day life may be just what you need to reflect on what happened to your marriage over the past 10 years.

You may consider a romantic weekend getaway, or a marriage weekend getaway which includes some professional group sessions.


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