# Ex Wife and boundaries



## flowerlady

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, with 4 adult children between us. We are older, 50s & 60's and childrens ages are between 30-40. We have no children together. I realize that we will interact with our exes from time to time, with Lifes milestone events, but not sure where to draw the line. Long story short, my husband and I are building a newer home on a very large piece of land, with most of our adult children planning to build on the same property. I found out yesterday that some of our Grandchildrens graduation pictures were taken of on the front porch, and on the grounds of our new home. I saw several of the pics, and who was in one of them? Husbands ex wife  I feel this is REALLY dis-respectful towards me, but Husband says we all need to "blend" together??? I am not fond of his ex-wife at all, but I do tolerate her for childrens birthdays, etc. I am really confused on who I need to address this issue with. I know my Husband doesn't want to "make any waves" with these "grown adults". Since he doesn't think its a big deal, I'm not sure if I need to address this myself with his son, who Im sure invited his Mother, or talk with ex myself, and suggest that she try to find a bit of class, and refrain from coming onto my personal property?


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## RoseAglow

Hi Flowerlady,

I don't understand all of your post.

Was the picture taken on your front porch? Or have the kids built their home, and it was taken on their front porch?

If his kids have a good relationship with their mom, I think you should expect for her to visit them at their house. She will likely be there on holidays, big events, for baby-sitting, etc.

If this is going to bother you- and I can completely understand how it would!!- I think you and the family need to have a discussion ASAP! The current plan might not be the best fit for you and the kids.

If the pics were taken on your front porch- that's pretty hard. It sounds like you weren't there, or else seeing the Ex in the pictures wouldn't have been a surprise for you. Was your DH there? Did he give the OK without you knowing? 

Without more information, I think it would be a jump to go directly to the Ex. I think most ex's would not just make herself comfortable by going onto the other ex's property, unless invited. Of course, there are some whacked out people, she might be one of them! But my guess is someone invited her.


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## mule kick

I'm just getting into this issue. My divorce is recent, I have shared custody and my house was our house. It's strange how things evolve. She left me but I didn't want to simply blow her off for the rest of my life. It's so much easier and cheaper if we can tolerate each other for things like birthdays or graduations. I don't feel we should limit our conversations to the kids in view if a chaperone or whatever. I want a friendly relationship even though I don't trust her anymore and know we will never get back together. 

My new girlfriend feels differently. 

How do I balance moving on with the reality that I am going to have this woman around for decades to come? I don't want to act spitefully to this woman I have already forgiven her and recognize that she needs to be okay for my kids to be okay. Her AP was a criminal and loser and their illicit relationship ( though now over) effectively destroyed all her support network. Yeah it's her responsibility to rebuild but those are my kids at her place. Honestly I'm better off without her and the difference is night and day between her and my new girlfriend. 

I am struggling with what I feel is best and what my girlfriend feels is just.


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## flowerlady

RoseAglow said:


> Hi Flowerlady,
> 
> I don't understand all of your post.
> 
> Was the picture taken on your front porch? Or have the kids built their home, and it was taken on their front porch?
> 
> If his kids have a good relationship with their mom, I think you should expect for her to visit them at their house. She will likely be there on holidays, big events, for baby-sitting, etc.
> 
> If this is going to bother you- and I can completely understand how it would!!- I think you and the family need to have a discussion ASAP! The current plan might not be the best fit for you and the kids.
> 
> If the pics were taken on your front porch- that's pretty hard. It sounds like you weren't there, or else seeing the Ex in the pictures wouldn't have been a surprise for you. Was your DH there? Did he give the OK without you knowing?
> 
> Without more information, I think it would be a jump to go directly to the Ex. I think most ex's would not just make herself comfortable by going onto the other ex's property, unless invited. Of course, there are some whacked out people, she might be one of them! But my guess is someone invited her.


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## flowerlady

The pictures were taken on the porch of a home that My Husband and I are building. It is a very rustic setting, and really pretty for picture taking. There are several motorcycle riding trails that all our family enjoy that are located on this VERY large piece of property that My Husband and I own. My step children are in their 30's, and have a very good relationship with their Mother. My Husband was not there, says he knows nothing about it either. We all tolerate each other, simply because of our children & Grandchildren. I think the Ex and the GROWN children have gotten a little too slack in respecting my feelings. I don't think the children would bring her, invite her, etc. to the home that their father and I share now, I don't see our other property being any different. A couple of the children have pretty landscapes at their own home for picture taking... seems that nobody in this family sees it as a problem but me. I feel very strongly that it needs to be addressed


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## turnera

I would take your stepson aside and let him know that you felt a bit violated to think that his mom was visiting the home you are building, without your inviting her. Just ask him to respect your need for privacy in your own home. That should be enough.


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## flowerlady

Turnera, Thank you!


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## flowerlady

My Husband asked the Son about the situation: I'm not sure what happened, but he refuses to tell me what the outcome was. It definitely was not good considering the way he answered me.


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## Holland

It seems like an over reaction. Why bother getting upset over a photo? You will be the one that ends up looking foolish and possibly it will put a wedge between you all.

Life is short, don't sweat the small stuff.


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## anja

Oh I don't think this is small stuff at all! It is disrespectful of the mother to be walking around on your property without your invitation. My opinion may be tainted though, as I have often observed this type of behavior in my husbands ex. She seems to believe she can go where her child can go. A boundary issue for sure and when I set an end to it, I got the old "grow up!". Was the last time she set foot in our family home though!
My husband is also the "don't make waves" kind. It leaves him and me walked all over at times. After a few years of it I had lost all respect for him and the way he continuously put everyone else's happiness ahead of mine (things are different now). Figure out what you absolutely will not compromise on, make your boundaries clear to your husband and kids/steps and stick to them. As a first offense, take this as a learning opportunity for all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

flowerlady said:


> My Husband asked the Son about the situation: I'm not sure what happened, but he refuses to tell me what the outcome was. It definitely was not good considering the way he answered me.


 Too bad so sad. They now know your feelings - to which you have every right. If it happens again, you need a consequence in place.


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## tacoma

I can't figure out why this upsets you so much.

Definitely not the hill I'd be willing to die on.


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## turnera

Probably depends on how much influence xw has on her husband, or how much she's ingratiated herself into their lives in the past. If she's been invisible, I'd agree. If she has a habit of inviting herself, I'd have a problem, too.


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## RoseAglow

FL, I can certainly understand why you feel upset- I imagine it was pretty shocking to see a pic of the ExW at your doorstep in the photo!

Since the kids are going to be living on the same property, I think it is important that you draw your boundaries early on. Since it is a large property, hopefully the homes aren't in view of each other, so that you aren't "treated"" to seeing the ExW every time she visits the kids.

Mostly though, I hope you and your DH can have a good sit-down and come to an agreement about this. I don't think it should be a big deal for the DH to be able to tell his son, "Hey, we need a heads up before you bring your mom to our house" or "We are so glad you will be living nearby! But, we are not comfortable with having your Mom at our house without our knowledge or invite." Those are pretty reasonable requests. So if the conversation between the son and Dad didn't go well, I worry that it was presented in a "FL vs Dad/Kids/ExW [original family unit]" way.


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## tacoma

RoseAglow said:


> .... I worry that it was presented in a "FL vs Dad/Kids/ExW [original family unit]" way.


Is there any other way to present it?

That is ultimately what it is isn't it?

No way around that.


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## turnera

No, it could be a FL and her husband vs the old family unit way.


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## mule kick

tacoma said:


> Is there any other way to present it?
> 
> That is ultimately what it is isn't it?
> 
> No way around that.


I think I agree with you on this. I don't know what the conflict is between FL and the ex but is there any more complete way to create unhealthy barriers between yourself and your husband's children than attacking their mother? As was said earlier, you mean you would have to construct what is essentially a family neighborhood so you don't accidentally see the ex wife? Is she some kind of Medusa? What is preventing you from building a workable relationship with her? You are the one with her husband, in the house, on the property. You already won, why keep fighting?


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## turnera

Which is why I suggested she have a talk with the son and say it gently.


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## mule kick

turnera said:


> Which is why I suggested she have a talk with the son and say it gently.


And again that is poor conflict resolution. Her problem is apparently with the ex. If the kids are building homes next door, the ex will be around a lot more. Time to resolve that issue and not use the kids to do it.


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## turnera

Then just go talk to the ex.


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## turnera

I still think she needs to make it clear to the son how it felt to her; I sincerely doubt he gave it a second thought; maybe if she said something, he'd realize he wasn't considering her feelings, and it would be a good learning moment for him.


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## unbelievable

If his kids are going to live on your land, his ex is going to be visiting them from time to time and photographs will be taken. Might as well accept that fact and let it go. You're going to get primary grandma time with any grandchildren. Your husband probably likes his ex even less than you do. The bat is their mama and it's illegal to burn witches these days. Just gonna have to put up with her once in a while.


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## flowerlady

I did talk with the ex-wife, and she told me in a very smart ass reply that it wouldn't happen again. My Husband has talked with his son, but wont tell me what was said. But of course, now I'm the "trouble maker " in the family...pretty much being avoided by everyone. The main reason this needed to be addressed in the first place, is this EXACT situation has happened with another family member, and it went on for 17 years. Everyone was aware of it, but nobody wanted to "make waves". It ended up with a wonderful lady being walked on for 17 years, and being very resentful and hurt by the people that loved her and cared about her ??. I guess she knew if she "made waves", she's pretty much be asked to exit the family. It's just a simple matter of mutual respect between people that are supposed to love and respect each other. I guesss one just has to decide how long they tolerate such nonsense.


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## Holland

Sorry to hear it is getting worse OP. It is pretty much why I said in my other post to let it go, the photo thing really is not a big enough deal to risk putting a wedge between you and family. It is just the way it is, you cannot control other people and even though she over stepped your boundary it might be prudent to loosen some of your boundaries.

She may well be trying to give you grief so why play into her hands?


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## flowerlady

The sad thing is I didn't think we NEEDED to establish "boundaries".


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## Bobby5000

I don't see a problem. My wife's ex periodically came to our home during visitation with the children. 

I think you have to be flexible and there are enough issues in life. 

This is one of those times women cause problems, and are surprised when men withdraw. There doesn't seem like a big deal at all but I have no doubt you can find a few women friends who say your problem is a lack of assertiveness and you need to speak up. A lack of flexibility and compromise is a chief reason for problems in second marriages.


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## flowerlady

This is hardly a situation when "visitation", etc. comes into play. These children are in their early 30's. I believe its just a simple matter of mutaul respect that nobody wants to address. If someone does something hurtful to someone, and nobody addresses it, it doesn't make it hurt any less.


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## mule kick

flowerlady said:


> This is hardly a situation when "visitation", etc. comes into play. These children are in their early 30's. I believe its just a simple matter of mutaul respect that nobody wants to address. If someone does something hurtful to someone, and nobody addresses it, it doesn't make it hurt any less.


Nobody here knows what these people's mother could have done to you to earn this need for boundaries between her and her children and even your husband. Mutual respect to them could mean accepting her presence as another family member, not an enemy or part time mom but someone they feel as strongly about as you. Asking them to treat their mother as second class to you can't end well.


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## flowerlady

I really don't understand how expecting her to not be at mine * my Husbands home, has ANYTHING to do with treating her second class??? These are grown adult children with homes of their own


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## tacoma

My wife's Ex came over last week with her eldest when I wasn't home.

I can't even begin to manufacture any resentment over it no matter how hard I try.

OP, it's my opinion you need to widen your boundaries some because this is going to cause more resentment from your H and step-kids than is healthy for your relationship with them.


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## Jellybeans

flowerlady said:


> this EXACT situation has happened with another family member, and it went on for 17 years. Everyone was aware of it, but nobody wanted to "make waves". It ended up with a wonderful lady being walked on for 17 years, and being very resentful and hurt by the people that loved her and cared about her ??. I guess she knew if she "made waves", she's pretty much be asked to exit the family. It's just a simple matter of mutual respect between people that are supposed to love and respect each other. I guesss one just has to decide how long they tolerate such nonsense.


It sounds like there are a lot deeper issues here. Care to expand? Who was this other woman? It seems like you are personally invested in what happened.


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## MrsDraper

I would say that if it was your stepchild's home on your property, you need to suck it up buttercup and get used to it.


If it was your home on your property, then yes, I would be upset.


If it was just the grounds (trails) of the compound - then you need to accept that this is going to be your stepchildren's home as well as your home, and you need to suck it up. She will be there visiting from time to time as she is your stepchildren's mother and the mother to your husbands children and grandmother to the grandchildren.

So unless she was sitting on your porch - let it go.


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## flowerlady

This was at MY home, not my step childs..and no, she wasn't sitting on my front porch, just standing and posing for pics on my front porch


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## turnera

Welcome back. So what's happened since?


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## lifeistooshort

flowerlady, I think I understand where you're coming from. I think you're making a big deal out of a picture, but I suspect it's a deeper issue than a picture. Your hb's ex likes her place in his life and likes to remind you she's still there, right? How do I know this? Because my hb's ex is the same way. She's outwardly nice but likes to throw in snotty little comments with the sole purpose of letting me know she'd been there first; I would never treat anyone my ex brings around like that and we also have kids. I knew if I brought it up I'd be the troublemaker, so I started becoming quite friendly with her boyfriend when he would come around. She didn't like it at all (I'm a lot younger and in better shape) but she couldn't say anything without looking crazy, so the snide comments stopped. Ha ha, recently I caught her bf checking me out and she saw it too, I just looked at her and smiled. She got the message, if you want to play we'll play. You might consider if there might be another, more subtle way to solve this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

lifeistooshort said:


> . I think you're making a big deal out of a picture, but I suspect it's a deeper issue than a picture.


:iagree:

I don't think this is about a picture at all or eating a holiday dinner together which is what I have been saying since her first thread from May of last year.


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## frusdil

mule kick said:


> tacoma said:
> 
> 
> 
> Is there any other way to present it?
> 
> You are the one with her husband, in the house, on the property. You already won, why keep fighting?
> 
> 
> 
> What???
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_
Click to expand...


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## Omego

FL was right to be annoyed. The ex wife knew this would cause trouble and she was right. It's likely that FLs stepchildren tolerate her as she does them. There is also probably some resentment on their end about this nice, new compound not being shared with their mother.

Whatever. That is their problem, not FLs problem. 

FL did the right thing. No point in getting walked all over. If they want to be snippy because she asked them to respect HER home, then they are in the wrong.

However, it was a mistake to confront the ex and expect something positive. If she were well brought up she would not have wanted to be on the new wife's property in the first place!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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