# Married 7 months and Unhappy.



## Fks (9 mo ago)

Never thought I would be in this situation - I am 28 and my Husband is 30. We have been together 4.5 years and been married for 7 months. Prior to marriage, we didn't live together and I have moved my job and city to live with him.

Though the last 7 months hasn't been all bad.... there have been 'incidents' throughout the period that have really made me question my husband and whether he genuinely is in love with me ....

Examples include:

- Honeymoon - met up with friends throughout the trip - personally don't think that is normal but went along with it as friends lived in the country we went to (bare in mind, it was covid at the time so we did not have the 'full' honeymoon experience)

- When we go out with his friends he will leave me and just spend the night with the lads and I'm just left to socialise and mingle in 

- First New Years Married - Went to a friends party and at midnight my husband was with the 'lads' and didn't even acknowledge me until over an hour later...

- First Christmas - Took me to his friends house rather than spend it together

- On one occasion we went out with friends and he left the bar to go to another bar. When I went looking for him, I caught him chatting to another woman - he assures me he was just being 'friendly' and that is it....

- I like to cuddle on the sofa, in bed, but he never initiates it. Even when I do, after 5 mins he will say that's enough. I have spoken to him about this on various occasions and the response I get is 'I am trying'.....

I just don't think this is normal behaviour and obviously this isn't an exhaustive list?? I have questioned him on all of this but the responses I am getting is 'I love you', 'I have things I need to work on' 'I want to change' 'I am sorry'. Part of me is questioning whether my expectations of a 'husband' are too high, but equally I am asking for the bare minimum: affection and attention!

I recently made the decision to move back to my parents as its all just got too much and I think we need the time apart. He is now asking for me to come back and promises these things will be different.

I don't know what to do! I am not stupid and understand the first year of marriage is difficult and there are adjustment periods. But surely I shouldn't be begging my husband to treat me as a priority and to give me affection in the first 6-7 months of marriage?? Am I being childish and unreasonable?!


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This is why it is recommended to live together before getting married. You really don't know someone until you've lived with them 6 to 12 months.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

His behavior doesn’t sound that unusual to me. The main difference is normally you take care of these issues BEFORE you decide to get married.

Ex. Guy who goes out and parties is nothing new.

Figure out a compromise you’re happy with. If he’s going out, where is he going and when is he coming back? Clamping down and saying, “You can’t go out.” probably won’t work well for you; it’s not who he is and do you want to be THAT wife? The no fun shutdown lady?

Anyway if you actually want it to work you’ll need to figure out a compromise that can work for both.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't agree that you need to live together first, but as you lived in a different area it seems you didn't get to know him very well.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

You might try Marriage Builders or something similar. Make sure you both have realistic expectations.

Separating rarely works to make a marriage better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Doesn't sound to me like he's ready to be a husband.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For the physical affection issues, you should both read the book "The 5 Love Languages".


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I agree with @lifeistooshort He doesn't sounds like he was really ready to give up his single life. In fact it sounds like he hasn't given it up. 

My suggestion is tell him you'll come back, but you need more than words. You need to see a real change or it is over. Probably a good idea to see a MC too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He sounds like a 30 year old boy who hasn’t grown up. Maybe he will eventually and maybe he won’t. 

I was married for decades to a boy who never grew up and I don’t recommend it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I, at times, have to deal with a few of these situations with my husband as well. When we got married, I barely seen him after the vows were done. He said I do, we kissed, and then he went and hung out with the guys. It has gotten better though. He had to get in to the swing of things I guess, seeing as how I'm told that I was his first 'actual' relationship other than the one that he had with the child of his mother when they were younger. He has his moments still of where he wants to be a 'I want to be with the guys, don't call me' but then when I'm with my friends - you best believe that he's calling me all night. What you are not expecting too much but we don't have men from the 50s. We now have men that were spoiled and not disciplined.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I agree with others, this behavior doesn't sound insurmountable.
It actually sounds like what would happen if two people who didn't know each other got married.

Definitely need to keep communicating on this and add marriage counseling.
Don't expect 100% overnight change, it takes time for BOTH of you to change to meet the other one.

Move back home...separation is no way to heal a marriage.

This doesn't have to end your marriage unless one of you lets it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I agree with others, this behavior doesn't sound insurmountable.
> It actually sounds like what would happen if two people who didn't know each other got married.
> 
> Definitely need to keep communicating on this and add marriage counseling.
> ...


I really like this response!! Yes, move back home and work through it! You guys have to learn each other!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I also believe you need to live together for a while to see if you are really compatible before you get married. BIG mistake. The rest? It seems to me you married an immature guy.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I also believe you need to live together for a while to see if you are really compatible before you get married. BIG mistake. The rest? It seems to me you married an immature guy.


I’m not in the camp of “couples must live together first” but I am in agreement that a couple needs to spend enough time in each other’s orbit…including holidays and family interactions, to clear up up these little bumps in the road before getting married.

There shouldn’t be surprises like OP has had.
You don’t have to live together to learn about these differences, but I would say that it does make them obvious sooner.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This is the issue —



Fks said:


> Prior to marriage, we didn't live together…


This may have been the norm 2-3 generations ago, but it’s pretty uncommon these days.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m not in the camp of “couples must live together first” but I am in agreement that a couple needs to spend enough time in each other’s orbit…including holidays and family interactions, to clear up up these little bumps in the road before getting married.
> 
> There shouldn’t be surprises like OP has had.
> You don’t have to live together to learn about these differences, but I would say that it does make them obvious sooner.


Of course it's not a "must", be it helps a lot believe me... we did live together before we got married (about 3 years) and that cemented our union. When we married, we knew our marriage wouldn't fall apart immediately (we only waited an extra 20 years for that... lol).


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## Fks (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> This is why it is recommended to live together before getting married. You really don't know someone until you've lived with them 6 to 12 months.



In response to this and others, unfortunately we were not able to live together due to cultural barriers...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Does he play a lot of video games? 

He may not be grown up yet, or there could be more serious issues. Is there a chance he's gay?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Fks said:


> In response to this and others, unfortunately we were not able to live together due to cultural barriers...


I also think it's not required, but didn't you see some of these actions on his part when you were dating?
I'm sure you went out with his friends -- did he act like this then?

If NOT, then this may be a case where he feels "Hey I won, we got married, now I don't need to do anything else anymore". He does need to grow up and realize what his responsibilities are to YOU.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You dated for nearly 4 years prior to getting married. I don't buy into the crap that you have to live together to get to know someone. That's what the dating process is for. You knew how he was before you married him but you probably thought he would change or that you could fix him. You're not being unreasonable, but the time to address this was before you got married. But you're 28 and probably so desperate to live your dream that you married him anyway. So now, here you are.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Your husband sounds like he doesn't know how to be a good husband and he likes his friends more than you.

How you handle that is up to you and your husband. I would find his behavior extremely disrespectful and that would be that.

I mean he left you in a bar ... just left. That's beyond disrespectful. Then you find him and he's in another bar chatting up some chick. This behavior is also happening in the 1 year of marriage when he should be glued to you. 

It also sounds like he is acting still single. I'd be surprised if he was faithful during the 4 years you dated. 

You need to figure out what you can and can not live with. He needs to decide what he can and can not live with and you two need to decide if your boundaries match. It doesn't sound like they do. Some one can promise to change but chances are he won't. 

It sucks but it is better to figure all this out now and either you two figure out how it is going to work or split. Better than 3 kids in figuring out he's never going to change and he's bar hopping and flirting with girls while you are at home taking care of the kids wondering where he is at.

Each person has their deal breakers, mine may not be yours. This would be a deal breaker for me as I just expect to be someone's number 1 priority. It is obvious you aren't. If you were his behavior would just naturally be different. Someone can't wish their priorities different. They can change their behavior but that's artificial and won't stick. So I'd just be done.

But perhaps you don't mind playing second, third or fourth fiddle if other needs are met and he can agree to boundaries. Only you can he can figure that out. There are many marriage/relationship books about checking out compatibility. I'd suggest you borrow one from the library and see exactly how compatible you actually are.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How are your parents dealing with you being back home?


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## Fks (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Your husband sounds like he doesn't know how to be a good husband and he likes his friends more than you.
> 
> How you handle that is up to you and your husband. I would find his behavior extremely disrespectful and that would be that.
> 
> ...


Thank you Anstasia, I completely agree with everything you have said. I personally have found his behaviour completely disrespectful, but didn't want to cloud people's judgements when I initially posted. It is the disrespect I am finding difficult to move past and feels like a deal breaker for me too.

I can't quite understand why he would act the way he has if you truly love someone. I also don't understand how you need to 'change' to make someone a priority. Surely that is a given when you love someone!


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## Fks (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> How are your parents dealing with you being back home?


Surprisingly my parents have been super supportive! They just want the best for me and have left it to me to decide on what i want. My mum is more vocal about the situation and has told me to get rid


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I second the love languages book suggestion. Your husband also sounds very, very immature and oblivious to your needs. I do believe your relationship can improve but he needs to put together an actionable plan and accept he doesn’t get to live as a bachelor anymore.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

moulinyx said:


> I second the love languages book suggestion. Your husband also sounds very, very immature and oblivious to your needs. I do believe your relationship can improve but he needs to put together an actionable plan and accept he doesn’t get to live as a bachelor anymore.


The relationship could improve but would that change his respect for her. His love for her?

I mean not telling someone you are going out that can change you can communicate more.
Not saving words of affirmation can change you speak your mind/love more.
Gifts you give more..

But basic respect? I would never dream a guy who loves and respects his wife would leave her in a bar.

That can be dangerous physically and relationship wise. I don't see his core values changing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diceplayer said:


> You dated for nearly 4 years prior to getting married. I don't buy into the crap that you have to live together to get to know someone. That's what the dating process is for. You knew how he was before you married him but you probably thought he would change or that you could fix him. You're not being unreasonable, but the time to address this was before you got married. But you're 28 and probably so desperate to live your dream that you married him anyway. So now, here you are.


Wow you are assuming quite a bit here... Where did you get she's desperate to live some dream?

She is so desperate she is putting up with his ****? oh wait no she moved out....

I do question why some of this wasn't noticed before....

OP has he changed since you two were dating or was it mostly long distance or ?? why didn't you notice before he was bro centered and didn't give you proper respect? Or like jlg suggested did a switch flip?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Fks said:


> Never thought I would be in this situation - I am 28 and my Husband is 30. We have been together 4.5 years and been married for 7 months. Prior to marriage, we didn't live together and I have moved my job and city to live with him.
> 
> Though the last 7 months hasn't been all bad.... there have been 'incidents' throughout the period that have really made me question my husband and whether he genuinely is in love with me ....
> 
> ...


He doesn't sound like a man who wants to really be married at all to me. You shouldn't have to push to get someone to cuddle on the sofa, but yet, some people are like that. But I bet he expects sex when he's ready. 

That is who he is. He'll change for 3 weeks and then he'll be right back to who he really is. Don't uproot again. Just accept this wasn't a good match. You're young. You can surely find someone who WANTS to spend time with you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Was he like this when you dated?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP did he do this while you dated? That's important, several people have asked but you've not answered.

Moving out won't help things, you don't solve marital problems apart, you need to be together to do that. Talk to your husband, tell him that to move home and try to fix things you must go to marriage counselling together. Tell him it's a deal breaker for you. If he won't, then there's your answer.


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## Fks (9 mo ago)

Hi all,

No he wasn't like this when we dated. In fact the whole thing has come as a shock. The first 2-3 months of marriage I didn't say anything as I thought this must just be an adjustment or something, but as time has gone on, it's just got worse and worse.


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## Fks (9 mo ago)

Hi all,

No he wasn't like this when we dated. In fact the whole thing has come as a shock. The first 2-3 months of marriage I didn't say anything as I thought this must just be an adjustment or something, but as time has gone on, it's just got worse and worse.


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## Fks (9 mo ago)

Hi all,

No he wasn't like this when we dated. In fact the whole thing has come as a shock. The first 2-3 months of marriage I didn't say anything as I thought this must just be an adjustment or something, but as time has gone on, it's just got worse and worse.


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## Fks (9 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He doesn't sound like a man who wants to really be married at all to me. You shouldn't have to push to get someone to cuddle on the sofa, but yet, some people are like that. But I bet he expects sex when he's ready.
> 
> That is who he is. He'll change for 3 weeks and then he'll be right back to who he really is. Don't uproot again. Just accept this wasn't a good match. You're young. You can surely find someone who WANTS to spend time with you.


In regards to the sex, that is actually true


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Just being nosey - how often did you physically see one another while dating?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is he the only 'lad' in his group who is married?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Fks said:


> Hi all,
> 
> No he wasn't like this when we dated. In fact the whole thing has come as a shock. The first 2-3 months of marriage I didn't say anything as I thought this must just be an adjustment or something, but as time has gone on, it's just got worse and worse.


It sounds like he thinks once you got married he had you hooked and he could do what he wanted. The more I hear, the more I think you are better off ending this sooner than later. Even if he makes a turn around I bet it will be short lived. There is a slim chance he gets he act together, but I wouldn't bet on it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

This situation somewhat sounds similar to my husband. When he goes out with his friends - he wants me to go with him but he expects me to hold my own while we are there and somewhat leave him alone. I mean, we still act like we are a cute married couple and bring each other drinks and what not but he expects me to 'mingle' which I hate because I hate all people equally. I really don't. I just have to people all day long at work so the last thing that I want to do is entertain moron guys. The cuddling thing - did he cuddle a lot before you guys got married? What was the level of affection like before this? What exactly is the cultural barrier?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Fks said:


> I recently made the decision to move back to my parents as its all just got too much and I think we need the time apart. He is now asking for me to come back and promises these things will be different.


did you guys actually date before getting married? or was this a long distance thing, where you only saw each other briefly before the marriage?

you are seeing now exactly who he is.
maybe because of the former separation in distance, you two never bonded?
It could just be personality differences, he is a big partier and drinker, and you are not. So he takes you to bars and you do not like it there and really do not know how to behave.

in any case, if you are married, and you also left to live with mom and dad....YOU have decided its over. 
You either have to decide to try to salvage this, and go back immediately, OR decide to divorce.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> But basic respect? I would never dream a guy who loves and respects his wife would leave her in a bar.


The older I get the more I learn that people treat us the way we let them. I feel like I've been bringing up certain things lately, but just calling it like I see it. So many relationships seem to be short on emotional connection and especially on boundaries. Some good boundaries might help here, if she's consistent.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Fks said:


> In regards to the sex, that is actually true


That's all he cares about.


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

You think it’s bad now, wait till you have kids. Bro ain’t ready to be a man, much less a dad.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I don't agree that you need to live together first, but as you lived in a different area it seems you didn't get to know him very well.


Wife n I didn't live together before we married, it worked out fine. But that was back in the dark ages. Today, the norm seems to be to date, live together for a few years, have a child or two or three, then maybe get married. I will say the new method doesn't seem to facilitate longer marriages. All of those we know who went this route still divorced after a few years.

Apologies T/J


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