# Bait & Switch



## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Wife and I have been married for 8 years, we're both in late 40's. We had known each other since we were kids and had even dated a bit in high school but my occupation took me away for 20+ years. So everything was great while we were dating and we dated about 4 years before we were engaged. After we were engaged I noticed a palpable change in the dynamics of our relationship but didn't think much of it. We were engaged about 6 months before we married and then it was as if someone just turned off the light. A couple months after our wedding I asked my wife why we didn't have sex as often as we used to. Her reply was, "We're together all the time now we don't have to". 

Don't HAVE to?

Yeah, it's like that

At the time I was in such disbelief that I didn't know what to say. I had never heard anything like that before. Prior to our wedding we did everything so going from 100-0 was quite a shock and looking back I should have not let that issue settle without some rigorous investigation. So sex settled into a very predictable monthly occurrence. Anymore I don't really care if we have sex or not cause I really don't think she likes it, it's just hop on, hop off. During sex she has even said "Hurry up, we've got things to do!" This being typically on a Saturday morning......... after about 5 minutes of sex............. with really nothing more important to do than feed the cats, take out the trash, eat breakfast, you know all those things that are SO much more important than being intimate with your spouse. It's just very contradictory to what we did before we were married and it all came to a screeching halt quite definitely on our wedding day. Come to think of it we only had sex once on our honeymoon. 

This is not all about sex though. It took quite a while to figure out that her statement didn't just apply to sex, it was applicable to everything. It's like she looked at the wedding as the end of a process. In her mind I imagine the dialogue must be, "I've caught him so no need to continue doing all the things that attracted him to me". I really refrain from calling it bait-n-switch as I don't really think she consciously did that but that phrase would be fairly applicable from the casual observer. Funny thing is we had a discussion about this last summer and I made mention of how everyone gets her best and I get what's left over. Her response was that again, "being together all the time, you're not always going to get my best". Thing is I NEVER get her best. 

To compound things my wife is a people pleaser and very self-deprecating. It's exhausting. Any compliment is shot down and don't even express any displeasure in anything cause that will incite her to bring out her slave character. You have to be so careful with your words because again a compliment is turned into displeasure in something else because you didn't compliment EVERYTHING. I have learned to not fight it because people like this have an underlying issue. What it is in her case I don't know. I have offered counseling, offered for her to try as many as she liked until she found one that suits her but she believes that counselors side with the patient footing the bill. Funny thing is she has been working for a Psychiatrist/Counselor for 25+ years.

It's all very depressing. I love her dearly and on those rare occasions when we are in synch it's freakin' great and we have a wonderful time together but it's VERY infrequent.........with me. Now with her daughter and grandkids, life is just a party and anymore I hate to be around when they're all together cause it's a visual reminder of the attention, affection and joy we shared before we married. A counselor explained to me the hierarchy of relationships and yes my wife, her daughter and grandkids occupy the top of the pyramid in their own little bubble while I float around outside somewhere on the periphery.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm sorry it took you 8 years to get to this point...you could have untangled yourself from it with a lot less hassle if you had done so in the first 6 months after she made her declaration of "don't HAVE to".

Not much you can do here, sorry.

Next time, make sure you understand the consequences of not enforcing your own needs being met, because you're looking at it now.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Her reply was, "We're together all the time now we don't have to._ 

Meaning "Now that I've got you *I* don't have to." Maybe the bait and switch was more deliberate than you assume.

You mentioned a counselor--have you had joint counseling?


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Next time, make sure you understand the consequences of not enforcing your own needs being met, because you're looking at it now.


Yeah the counselor I went to made me realize that in a round about way.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Wow. You should have fought this early on. It's so engrained now, she is likely not able to change. Question is, if this is all your ever gonna get, are you willing to leave? Because that may be the only thing that will get her to sit up and take notice. And if she still isn't willing to change then, its probably not worth staying around unless you want a room mate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Philat said:


> You mentioned a counselor--have you had joint counseling?


Oh no, she won't go. She said she had been to one in a previous relationship and it didn't work out well. Also she works for one and has a bias against their methods or motives.

I have expressed that really neither of us have the skills to solve this problem but she insists we do.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> its probably not worth staying around unless you want a room mate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've expressed that same sentiment to her......... that basically we're almost like brother and sister, maybe less so.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Sunburn said:


> Oh no, she won't go. She said she had been to one in a previous relationship and it didn't work out well. Also she works for one and has a bias against their methods or motives.
> 
> I have expressed that really neither of us have the skills to solve this problem b*ut she insists we do.*


I'd ask her where the evidence for this is after eight years.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

You have two choices:

1. Accept the fact that you're in a sexless marriage, and learn to live with it.

2. Get divorced, and move on with your life.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Are you willing to leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Divorce her and date her again since the relationship worked so much better on those terms. I'm only half joking. If my M of 30+ years doesn't make it I won't M again. I'll just date!  Why trade attentive, respectful dating for entitled, disrespectful spouse?

Or you could try this which does help to take you back to your roots and help rekindle the romance and connection Marriage Help Program For Couples


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I'd think about packing it in. Is she going to change-not likely.
Like mentioned above......Do you want a room mate for life????


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sunburn said:


> During sex she has even said "Hurry up, we've got things to do!" This being typically on a Saturday morning......... after about 5 minutes of sex............. with really nothing more important to do than feed the cats, take out the trash, eat breakfast, you know all those things that are SO much more important than being intimate with your spouse.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Your telling us this. What you should be doing is sitting her down and telling her what is above and tell her in a way that your very serious about it and that there needs to be a change in the marriage or there wont be one in the future.

Let her know that your tired of being treated like you don't count for anything. It's insulting when she whispers in your ear or shouts "hurry up" when your having sex.

Tell her that just because she married you that it doesn't give her the right to not give you the respect that you have earned and deserve. That doesn't fly, so IMO, tell her that if it continues then she can take it some place else and mean it when you say it. Maybe it will wake her ass up.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You mentioned she has a daughter. Is she from a previous marriage/relationship? can you get details? It does sound like B&S but its a bit too blatant.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sunburn said:


> I have expressed that really neither of us have the skills to solve this problem but she insists we do.


You've got the skills to resolve this, if you can look in the yellow pages under "divorce lawyer."


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Mach. And yes, you have experienced a bait and switch. I doubt it matters whether you addressed it "back then" or not because it would not have made a difference.

She knows damned well that if she had told you BEFORE marriage, "Honey, as soon as we leave the church, I will stop having sex with you and you'll drop way down on my list of priorities" you wouldn't have married her. She knows that this is unfair and unreasonable, and she knows she sure as hell wouldn't accept YOU changing the terms in such a big way. 

I can't help but wonder at tolerating this for eight years! It would have been a deal-breaker for me in year one. 

In her opinion, what do YOU bring to your marriage? If you're a provider who pays the bills, stop and see what happens. Since she is so "transaction minded," let her know you'll contribute $x.xx toward your household whenever she provides specific contributions to your marriage. 

Or call that divorce attorney, which will cut out the step above because while it might effectively make your point, it isn't likely to change her values.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

she told you the answer already.
We're always togehter, so she does'nt have to.
You have to pull apart, so she has to.
Everyone above including your wife has told you the same thing.
IF you are worth figithing for, she will not allow the divorcce to go to completion without changing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Watch this guy: Hold On to Your N.U.T.s - YouTube

Read his book: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men: Wayne M. Levine: 9780979054402: Amazon.com: Books

Sign up for his programs: Wayne M. Levine, M.A. | LinkedIn

It's about a shift in your outlook on life to no longer be led around by the nose by the woman in your life. Once you do that, your 'value' in her eyes will rise automatically. Once that happens, she will 'want' you. 

Unless she was literally just looking for a sugardaddy. And if that's the case, and you follow this and nothing happens, you will have no choice (hopefully) but to leave and stop funding her lifestyle with her family.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sunburn said:


> Wife and I have been *married for 8 years*, we're both in late 40's.
> 
> *A couple months after our wedding* I asked my wife why we didn't have sex as often as we used to. Her reply was, "We're together all the time now we don't have to".


Captain Obvious here, but why didn't you deal with this "a couple of months after your wedding?" You have chosen to stay stuck in this dynamic for 8 years now. 8 years after knowing what the score was.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If your W believes that you both have the skills to solve the problem, then why isn't she doing what's necessary to solve it? 

I can't imagine even desiring sex with someone who:- 



> "During sex she has even said "Hurry up, we've got things to do!" This being typically on a Saturday morning......... after about 5 minutes of sex............. with really nothing more important to do than feed the cats, take out the trash, eat breakfast, you know all those things that are SO much more important than being intimate with your spouse


That is demeaning, hurtful and shallow and shows a distinct lack of connection...

Unless you're prepared to continue in a sexless marriage, your only option is to divorce, IMO.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Wife, since you won't have real sex with me, I assume I'm allowed to go find someone else to do it with. I'll let you know when I have plans to do so."


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

I use the phrase "bait & switch" with my wife only when I am at my most childish, when our argument is going in circles, and I've decided I want to win said argument. It doesn't really apply, because it suggests intent that isn't the case in my marriage, and I rarely think applies elsewhere.

In your case, though, I think it applies. Can you arrange a discussion that's says "I am willing to accept you, and love you, when you are at your worst. But in exchange, you have to be able to give me your best?"


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