# Boundaries... What are yours?



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

This may be a question that's been covered before....

I'm new to the whole boundary concept... Certified Nice Guy right here, and I rarely say no, and I certainly let people walk over me. Not too bad, but I do. 

So I'm curious, in particular relation to your SO, what boundaries do you have set up? Does he/she know what they are? How do you communicate that to them? What do you do when they are crossed? What will you do when they are crossed repeatedly and do you communicate that to your SO. 

I'm just trying to get the general theory down, and I work best with examples. 

Thanks in advance...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One of many of manyy boundries is " don't sneak out in the middle of the night, it insults my inteligence when I wake up in the morning finding you sleeping next to me"

"if you sneak out stay out and don't bother coming back home"


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

One thing to keep in mind: you must notice boundary crossing in the beginning of a relationship, and you cannot tolerate "repeatedly." If it is a boundary and someone crosses it, you should give one warning and one only. Then you move on if the other person crosses it. 

Too many marriages continue to operate dysfunctionally b/c one or both partners are unwilling to be alone. Alone is better than having one's deepest needs ignored repeatedly, at least IMHO. 

People who cross your boundary after being advised that you will not remain with someone like that are people who we have to leave behind. They do not love or respect us enough. 

Some examples? 

I will not be with someone who drinks daily to the point of drunkeness, or always ends up tipsy whenever they drink.

I will not be with someone who smokes.

I will not be with someone who raises their voice at me or otherwise fights like a child. 

I will not be with someone who disrespects what is important to me. They can ignore it, but they may not actively take pot-shots at my interests or otherwise attempt to undermine my enjoyment.

I will not be with someone who cannot occasionally have a good time doing something s/he does not particularly like to do. If you don't like my family, fine, but I expect 1 short visit/year (3-4 days) with you on your best behavior, as well as respect to my family when they call and you answer the phone.

These are just some simple ones that I know I have and have never really had an issue with--the smoking and drinking thing usually filters out a fair number of losers pretty quickly.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

An example of a boundary that we have is friendships. IF you have friends of the opposite sex going into the relationship fine, if they are exes, not fine (unless kids are involved) cross this line, there will be hell to pay. Trust is broken etc. No new friendships with someone of the opposite sex will be developed unless done so together and even then, there will be no facebooking, texting etc, of the opposite sex person (say we befriend a couple) we hang out with the couple together, but he is friends with the guy, I am friends with the girl. This is something in reorganizing our marriage that we implemented since we both have abandonment and trust issues we brought into the marriage that was causing all sorts of issues. 
Another boundary we have is respecting each others needs and making sure to meet them, if not being met, we discuss, if it continues, given our past, we know that will be a bad road to go down. 
Other boundaries we have, family does not come between us, we keep no secrets, tell NO lies, even small lies lead to lack of trust and my dh has experienced this first hand. 
If a boundary is crossed it really depends on the boundary and why it was set up in the first place, if it is a common sense boundary than maybe it needs to just be addressed as to the importance emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. If it was set up to resolve and issue, then it may be a more serious consequence to crossing the line. (I hope that makes sense)


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

I will not be with someone who loses his temper and destroys property, loses his temper and puts his fist through walls, or ever _ever_ puts his hands on me in anger. If a man can't control his own emotions he's not worth my respect or my time. 

I will not be with someone who treats me with less respect than they would treat a stranger on the street.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Examples of our boundaries...

Friends of either sex must be friends to both of us and of the marriage. If a person only wants to associate with my wife and not me, that's not a friend and vice versa. We are a package deal. That does not mean we are attached at the hip but it does mean we have to both be comfortable with the friend in question. Either one of us can veto the friendship for any reason.

No one-on-one dates dates with persons of the opposite sex. This means lunch, dinner, coffee, drinks, or breakfast in bed. Has to be a group thing.

If either one of us starts to develop a crush on someone, we talk it out. Yes, this really happens and yes we really do this. It's amazing how these crushes can fall apart when they are out in the open.

That's three that I can think of at the moment.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I will not be with someone who enjoys heavy drug usage. (meaning drugs harder that marijuana)

I will not be with a regular pot smoker, for my own reasons. I have nothing personal against smoking in itself, I have just had too many bad things come of that behavior that I know I would not be able to handle it..I'd end up walking on egg shells and consumed in my own anxieties..which would destroy a relationship.

I will not be with an alcoholic. (I mean actual alcoholic, not casual drinking here and there)

I've experienced enough time with someone who could not be sober and enjoy anything to ever want to repeat that. 

I will not be with someone who does not take care of themselves either. I'm not saying i want fabio, but caring enough about you to at least bathe is important. If someone doesn't value themselves at least that much, how can they value another person?


I need my personal space respected. I need for it to be ok if we aren't stuck to each other 24/7 and i can get up to pee without being followed. 

I also need mental stimulation/connection. (which means I do need to be able to carry on a conversation at least)

And I need it to be ok if I have my own ideas and beliefs. They don't have to be my partners ideas, and I don't have to share all of my partners ideas.

finally one of my biggest pet peevs from my marriage, was having these ideas and things that I stood for and supported, researched in and really spent time working on being claimed as his. if something came from him, he was credited with it. If it came from me, he preached it as his own word and completely discredited me, even to the point of arguing with me, name calling,(in front of others) etc because he absolutely had to have everything be his idea if it was relevant to what an outsider was saying..even if he previously was completely against my efforts and had argued with me over them in private.

I don't know what to call that boundary, but that one is huge. 

I like responsibility too. so I guess being irresponsible with money, obligations, jobs etc is really my final no-no.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Our boundaries are no casual friendships with the opposite sex. This includes phone and email. Have we crossed them, no.

Have we discussed this, yes. In the first few months of our marriage. My husband had a friend from the gym call to chit chat. He had no clue I had a problem, but as soon as I said something he told her not to call and that was the end of it. 

My husband has all the respect for me and I do for him. He works so hard for us and he is a true family man that spends all his free time with us. I truly appreciate everything he does and his support to me. My husband is truly the nice guy type. We get along very well and live very peacefully. We have full transparency towards one another and we communicate extremely well. We are each others best friend.

There are no other boundaries that have come up. We have been together 13 years married 12. The best 13 years of my life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> This may be a question that's been covered before....
> 
> I'm new to the whole boundary concept... Certified Nice Guy right here, and I rarely say no, and I certainly let people walk over me. Not too bad, but I do.
> 
> ...


My wife and I did His Needs Her Needs together. Part of this is boundary setting.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*All of these would certainly be "deal-breakers" for me:*


Drugs
Marijuana
Drinking to Excess
Cursing
Unclean Home
Racist/Bigot
Lazy
No Moral Compass
Unaffectionate


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Apparently i have none


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

We are a newer couple (7 months married) so we are still working out boundaries. If something ever is an issue, we bring it up and talk it out immediately and determine what the boundary should be. This has thus far worked fairly well.

We are both very religious and committed to our faith and church, so things like drugs and alcohol are not a concern. My husband knows that if he ever raised a hand to me I would walk out the door (that's a middle of the relationship statement that I make sure is clear before really moving forward with things). I think his two biggest boundaries that we follow are 1) decisions are made jointly, especially about money (I'm awful with it so being open about what I'm buying helps hold me accountable) and any other slightly impactful decisions, we talk through things thoroughly before moving forward. 2) complete honesty. We try hard to never lie, especially about thoughts or feelings on a matter, though we do allow a "break" if needed to collect thoughts. I've never wondered if my husband has a wandering eye or anything like that because I have all his passwords and regularly look at his phone (not to be snooping, but to look up something for him if he's driving and there's an address in a text on his phone, for example, or to check his email while he's cooking dinner- sometimes to even answer his email when he doesn't feel like it!) I feel like those overall principles- complete honesty and openness as well as equal say in decision making allows us to not be nitpicky and specific about many other possible boundaries.


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## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

Here's one of mine. Talk to me like a human being. If I have wronged in some way or made you angry, tell me in a calm, understandable manner. I will attempt to understand and reconcile, if I can. If you prefer to yell and scream at me and call me names, I will become defensive and upset. If you tell me that I have done you wrong an there is nothing I can do to make you feel better then don't be upset when I do nothing to try and make you feel better.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

If you're swapping bodily fluids with someone, and especially if you have child(ren) with them, nothing is off the table. Complete transparency. Accept nothing less in a marriage. Your life literally depends on it.

Ladies, please tell us what is bothering you before it develops into resentment. Men are dense by nature.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> Ladies, please tell us what is bothering you before it develops into resentment. Men are dense by nature.



We are not ALL dense but very few of us are telepathic so we will not "guess" what is wrong unless you "tell" us preferably in a "calm and rational" way.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

IMHO the most important thing about “boundaries” is that they are clearly understood / agreed by all parties.
Remember that specific rules that works for one couple might not be right for another, shared goals and shared rules are the way to go.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My " boundaries " have always been very, very, simple.
I don't give bullsh!t .
So ,I don't accept bullsh!t .

Can't treat me like sh!t and expect me to be nice to you...

I've never been a " nice guy."
My belief is simple.
Treat me how you want to be treated.
I'll be good all along but, the minute you purposely cross my boundary I will retaliate.
I am quite willing to understand and forgive a mistake. But I will not let anyone use me as a doormat , wipe or prop.
And it ain't gender specific.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Mine were simple and remain simple.
Act like you are married at all times - "Singles" behaviour stops when we committed.

Respect me as I would you.

Keep the 6th day as OUR data night. That way we can always say if either is asked to party on a saturday without the other the answer is automatic "we are a couple and come as such".

On date nights texting is not accptable to invilve others unless they are in our company. Respect.

Talk to each other about issue BEFORE either thinks of involving the stream of well meaning friends. And even after they dont need to have input in our marridge

Partner and children first followed by family then friends.

Honesty

Transparent 

There is no private life in a marridge outside the two of Us.

Partying stops when either cannot afford their night out

What is good for one is good for the other - therefore dont do me it if you wouldnt like it done to you

Not mind busting, but all area basic respectful and thoughtful things that any partnership would have.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Thing is too, I've always been attracted to people with good , solid boundaries. I tend to get along well with them because IMO, they tend to be less passive aggressive and there's an " understanding " so the relationship, whether professional or personal is productive. 

I have always tried to avoid people with superiority and inferiority complexes, they are like different sides of the same coin.

However I absolutely love real , _down to earth_ people.

I guess a big part of being able to enforce your boundaries is first affiliating with the right people who respect themselves , have good boundaries and respect your boundaries.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OnTheRocks said:


> *If you're swapping bodily fluids with someone, and especially if you have child(ren) with them, nothing is off the table. Complete transparency. Accept nothing less in a marriage. Your life literally depends on it.
> 
> Ladies, please tell us what is bothering you before it develops into resentment. Men are dense by nature.*


Couldn't agree more with this one... I think boundaries are very important in our lives - with other people .... in Marriage, it takes darn good communication , vulnerability...and what I call a "*willing transparency*" to Be, love, give, and honor each other in the way that we'll continue *to thrive*...My thread on Transparency Here.

I don't withhold anything from my dear husband... and da gone it, if he does me, I am gonna be upset ..if he is hurting, desiring MORE from me.. I WANT TO KNOW.... in our past, he wasn't as forthcoming with this "needs" (really "wants") and he was slowly building a silent resentment towards me.. I didn't even KNOW [email protected]# ... I wanted to pound him when I learned this !...all he wanted to do was pound me more !







[email protected]#








and *RESPECT*... 

This is absolutely the best book on this subject.. I picked this up at a flea Market.. did some skimming,







their 1st book *"Boundaries" *(with all people) was one of my all time favorites...

Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend:



> Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another.
> 
> Boundaries are the 'property lines' that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships.
> 
> ...


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

When it comes to boundaries I'm actually pretty shocked at the lack of them in some of the relationships around me. I'll use my neighbor as an example. On occasion if I work from home we'll go to lunch together. One day he wasn't home but suggested I take his wife instead. He really wasn't kidding either. On another occasion we were supposed to check out the new Star Trek flick (my wife hates sci fi). He couldn't go last minute but mentioned that his wife could go. She actually inquired about why I never texted her to go. They are very happily married, but I just can't relate to their lack of boundaries. 

People think I'm weird when it comes to boundaries but I feel the same way about them. My other neighbor sent his wife to her high school class reunion with a male friend of theirs. I live in bizarro land. 

My poor wife gets judged for her boundaries too. I gave her a massage gift certificate. It took her a while to get one scheduled because she didn't want a male massage therapist. My neighbor's wives were like whats the big deal, you might get a cute one, bla, bla, bla. I could go on and on with similar stories. Whatever works for folks I guess.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm always surprised when I hear or read about men swearing at their wives, or calling them names. I think I would have left any man immediately if he had done that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> *I'm always surprised when I hear or read about men swearing at their wives, or calling them names. I think I would have left any man immediately if he had done that.*


My husband has never done this...oh he's called me a few names (I deserved it!)... there are some things I THINK I would find more tolerable over others...for instance... getting into a heated BRAWL -nasty words flying







would bother me LESS than a spouse who was passive aggressive, that would be a deal breaker for me.

It is natural for couples to fight now & then, it is in how *they Resolve* that matters, can they admit their faults?...be determined to meet half way so both is happy ??.....best to open up that communication -when we start feeling irritated (but do it kindly)...before one feels like this *>>*


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

For me boundaries can best be explained in a more abstract way, and demonstrates the template for how they have been discussed or handled in my relationship. It has usually involved turning the tables. Asking the hypothetical "what if" if the shoe were on the other foot. For example if there was some situation that involved me and a friend that she didn't like, she would ask, "what if it were me and MY friend?" Or if it involved some complex thing between her, her mother, and a cousin, "I would ask, what if it were me, my father, and MY cousin?" If I had some behavior that hurt her, "she would ask, what if *I* were to do that?" etc.

In my opinion, boundaries are unique to the couple. Further, couples may not know those boundaries fully until they begin growing together. It involves lots of talking and communication. It involves listening to the other person and not judging. The more two people can do that, then the more "energy" has been established. It is nice to know that, no matter how bizarre, undefined, strange, silly, etc. something is, it can be discussed. It is a very good feeling to know that, "hey I feel silly or even wrong about feeling this way about something. However, because of all of our other conversations, and all of the things SHE has been comfortable mentioning too, I feel more confidant that I can bring up EVEN THIS issue and that both of us will try to understand the other's feelings."

Don't ever do anything you wouldn't want your partner to do.

Don't ever WANT to do something you wouldn't want your partner to do.

That is the start. Communicate it. The Golden rule. You won't do this and that because you love that person and you would never want to hurt them.

With a little luck and lots of communication comes the magic:

Don't ever do anything your PARTNER wouldn't want you to do.

Don't ever WANT to do something your PARTNER wouldn't want you to do.

That is what establishing boundaries is about in my opinion. And it may take a long time.


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## Bushman1972 (Dec 30, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> An example of a boundary that we have is friendships. IF you have friends of the opposite sex going into the relationship fine, if they are exes, not fine (unless kids are involved) cross this line, there will be hell to pay. Trust is broken etc. No new friendships with someone of the opposite sex will be developed unless done so together and even then, there will be no facebooking, texting etc, of the opposite sex person (say we befriend a couple) we hang out with the couple together, but he is friends with the guy, I am friends with the girl. This is something in reorganizing our marriage that we implemented since we both have abandonment and trust issues we brought into the marriage that was causing all sorts of issues.
> Another boundary we have is respecting each others needs and making sure to meet them, if not being met, we discuss, if it continues, given our past, we know that will be a bad road to go down.
> Other boundaries we have, family does not come between us, we keep no secrets, tell NO lies, even small lies lead to lack of trust and my dh has experienced this first hand.
> If a boundary is crossed it really depends on the boundary and why it was set up in the first place, if it is a common sense boundary than maybe it needs to just be addressed as to the importance emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. If it was set up to resolve and issue, then it may be a more serious consequence to crossing the line. (I hope that makes sense)


Facebook is evil. Quit mow. nuf said.


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## Bushman1972 (Dec 30, 2013)

LoveLonely said:


> For me boundaries can best be explained in a more abstract way, and demonstrates the template for how they have been discussed or handled in my relationship. It has usually involved turning the tables. Asking the hypothetical "what if" if the shoe were on the other foot. For example if there was some situation that involved me and a friend that she didn't like, she would ask, "what if it were me and MY friend?" Or if it involved some complex thing between her, her mother, and a cousin, "I would ask, what if it were me, my father, and MY cousin?" If I had some behavior that hurt her, "she would ask, what if *I* were to do that?" etc.
> 
> In my opinion, boundaries are unique to the couple. Further, couples may not know those boundaries fully until they begin growing together. It involves lots of talking and communication. It involves listening to the other person and not judging. The more two people can do that, then the more "energy" has been established. It is nice to know that, no matter how bizarre, undefined, strange, silly, etc. something is, it can be discussed. It is a very good feeling to know that, "hey I feel silly or even wrong about feeling this way about something. However, because of all of our other conversations, and all of the things SHE has been comfortable mentioning too, I feel more confidant that I can bring up EVEN THIS issue and that both of us will try to understand the other's feelings."
> 
> ...


That is how I live. Didn't work for me but good advice.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Facebook is evil. Quit mow. nuf said."

Are you saying meow?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

On a serious note....my husband and I have sky high boundaries that include a lot of things that many others would consider crazy. But it works for us, and we enjoy it.


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