# Newly divorced/no kids/contact with EX/Why?



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

After a divorce that was final March 7th....my best friend asks me what benefits it is for me to have ANY contact with my ex?

I am in the pondering mode. 

The short history: Dated 3 years/Married 3 years. He professed, while dating, a drug (meth) history and sobriety for about 12 years. Ok

Married him and 5 months later he relapsed. His brother also has a problem and relapsed. That was his supplier. I found out; drug tested him; and kicked him out. He went to rehab 2 weeks later.

2014 was a decent year. Migraines started; overtime to the MAX (for him) began; and I was no longer content to have a man that wasn't taking my needs in consideration. He refused to talk/discuss about my concerns without shutting down or defending. 

On vacation, in Hawaii, he relapsed #2 in Hawaii, after I walked away due to being treated badly (about a week). This was my first time to walk away and I was sooo tired/frustrated. 

He promptly called escorts and smoked his meth. He wouldn't receive my calls/texts. We came home. He was angry; didn't take responsibility for months. I left the door open to work on it but really he didn't have it in him. 

He is a good man, when drugs aren't a part of it. We had fun together and were overall compatible. He was emotionally immature for many reasons including the drug use. He was a hard worker but really he couldn't resolve conflict well. 

Sometime mid Feb..he became remorseful and apologetic. I wasn't sure if he was still using.

We divorce March 7. He was manipulative in stalling for the divorce but wasn't able or willing to do anything different. 

Obviously, I am long suffering but believe in a commitment to my marriage. That's was why I kept the door open after his cruelty. 

Every 2-3 weeks, he will send a text. "Been thinking about you. How are you? How you are well. Don't take this wrong, but I miss you?" My responses are limited and I don't tell him that i miss him or think about him.

My best friends, asks, "why connect to him at all? He is getting what he wants. It's his fault that he has nobody to reach out to. You allowing contact just feeds him." I agree.

Why do I do this? I think that I want him to want me. I want him to say he wants to connect and I can say "no thanks." I know it's childish, perhaps vindictive. IDK. I don't wish to be his friend. He can't offer me that......I love him. I loved the good part of him. 

I texted me a few days ago..."Hi, how are you." He said his brother was back in jail. He said he was tired. It was like a basic chit chat. Then, I asked "Do you need help?" Of course, he knew it was asking about the drug addiction. He never answered again. 

Silence speaks words. I believe he probably using. Even more reason to not contact. Perhaps, now that he knows that I suspect him he will stay away.

Just rambling here. I have no reason to stay in contact. Have any of you struggled in this way?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I wish I was in your position and could never have contact with my X. That would be a blessing as I don't care to see her ever again. Unfortunate we have kids togeher so she will be around in my life until one of us dies.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Does it bother you to contact him? If not, IMO you are not harming yourself. However, if you think you replies are harming him, then stop.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I wish I was in your position and could never have contact with my X. That would be a blessing as I don't care to see her ever again. Unfortunate we have kids togeher so she will be around in my life until one of us dies.


I have kids but I vowed I will never see my x again. We alternate attendance at functions. Works great.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I suggested some time ago that you cut contact once the divorce was final but I felt you wouldn't. Why? Because part of you continues to hope he'll clean up and come back. Until you completely let go of that hope I don't think you'll really move forward the way you should. 

By continuing to respond him you also give him hope that his security blanket (you) continues to be there. But he probably has no plan to stop doing drugs. He just wants you to want to be with him bad enough at some point in the future to forget about the drugs and cheating. He's counting on it because he knows the alternative (on his own or being with some fellow meth-head) won't have a good outcome. 

He's a user. And users use. In more ways than one.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> I have kids but I vowed I will never see my x again. We alternate attendance at functions. Works great.


This would never work for me. I wouldn't miss out on my kids stuff


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> I have kids but I vowed I will never see my x again. We alternate attendance at functions. Works great.


I can't imagine loving someone, getting married, being intimate and having children together and hating someone so much that you never want to talk to or see that person again, especially since you have children. As for the OP I wouldn't stay in contact with him, not only does it give him the message you still might be interested but odd are he will go back on drugs and you really do not want to be in his life when that happens.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I *can't imagine loving someone, getting married, being intimate and having children together and hating someone so much that you never want to talk to or see that person again, especially since you have children*. As for the OP I wouldn't stay in contact with him, not only does it give him the message you still might be interested but odd are he will go back on drugs and you really do not want to be in his life when that happens.


You get there really quick when you are lieecto and cheated on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You know, I've been "cheated" on twice, and while I am hurt, I really don't have hatred towards either of them. Maybe I just don't have enough desire or energy to hate...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I suggest no contact.

I also wonder why the drug thing is called a "relapse" like it's a disease like cancer or something.
It's a CHOICE. He CHOSE to start the drugs and *****s again because he is a weak person with low character. How anyone would choose to marry a meth addict I have no idea.
You did good getting out of that relationship, and I see no possible positive outcome with you continuing it. I'd never contact him again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Evinrude58 said:


> I suggest no contact.
> 
> I also wonder why the drug thing is called a "relapse" like it's a disease like cancer or something.
> It's a CHOICE. He CHOSE to start the drugs and *****s again because he is a weak person with low character. How anyone would choose to marry a meth addict I have no idea.
> You did good getting out of that relationship, and I see no possible positive outcome with you continuing it. I'd never contact him again.



Yes, its a choice about how they behave and what they do about it. Drugs hijack the brain. It's an incredibly strong drive to do it. I'm grateful that I don't have that drive. However, to think that it's only a choice and not biological is ignoring the facts.

I married a meth addict as he had 12 years of sobriety. It wasn't the meth addict I fell in love with...it was the human being that had many great qualities at the time. 

My first marriage lasted 25 years and really we are quite close. I don't have a history of picking "losers" or "druggies" as some might say.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Herschel said:


> You know, I've been "cheated" on twice, and while I am hurt, I really don't have hatred towards either of them. Maybe I just don't have enough desire or energy to hate...


I agree....I think, by nature, I don't have the energy to carry hate, anger, and resentment. It's to much work!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Openminded said:


> I suggested some time ago that you cut contact once the divorce was final but I felt you wouldn't. Why? Because part of you continues to hope he'll clean up and come back. Until you completely let go of that hope I don't think you'll really move forward the way you should.
> 
> By continuing to respond him you also give him hope that his security blanket (you) continues to be there. But he probably has no plan to stop doing drugs. He just wants you to want to be with him bad enough at some point in the future to forget about the drugs and cheating. He's counting on it because he knows the alternative (on his own or being with some fellow meth-head) won't have a good outcome.
> 
> He's a user. And users use. In more ways than one.



Thank you, Openminded. You speak the truth. Logically, my grain (spec) of hope is there but I have absolutely NO reason to think that it's possible. I miss the good part of him. 

He doesn't say much. He doesn't know how to communicate in difficult circumstances. I'm not sure if he has hope. I don't think he does. He just lashes our or reaches out in feeling mode. 

I appreciate the comments. Food for thought.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Block him. End the contact. A wound wont heal if you keep picking at it.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Block him. End the contact. A wound wont heal if you keep picking at it.


THIS. Plus it's not your job to be his therapist, BFF, or sounding board anymore. He fired you from that job.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TheGoodGuy said:


> THIS. Plus it's not your job to be his therapist, BFF, or sounding board anymore. He fired you from that job.


:iagree: Yep.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Corpuswife said:


> Yes, its a choice about how they behave and what they do about it. Drugs hijack the brain. It's an incredibly strong drive to do it. I'm grateful that I don't have that drive. *However, to think that it's only a choice and not biological is ignoring the facts.*
> 
> I married a meth addict as he had 12 years of sobriety. It wasn't the meth addict I fell in love with...it was the human being that had many great qualities at the time.
> 
> My first marriage lasted 25 years and really we are quite close. I don't have a history of picking "losers" or "druggies" as some might say.


I strongly disagree. There's no biological addiction or physical addiction, or incredibly strong drive to do it---- until you make the choice to do drugs. Everyone knows meth is highly addictive. He CHOSE to start doing it. You CHOSE to marry him knowing he is an addict? That he'd have an incredibly strong drive to do it, and married him anyway? I'm just asking, but WHY? I married a woman that I knew lied incessantly, and that was lazy, materialistic, and had a lot of other character flaws. I'm not innocent. 
I'm just suggesting you ask yourself WHY did you do this, so hopefully in the future you won't make the same mistake. My answer is that I had invested lots of time in this woman, I wanted have a family, and that I NEVER thought she'd cheat or have other major character flaws like diet pills and insecurity about weight. I was stupid and don't plan on making that mistake again.

I'm not judging you in any way. I can see that you are a very compassionate person and want to see the good in people and help them. But the fact is, he DID choose to start drugs. And he CHOSE to start them again and mistreat you and have sex with prostitutes. Those are choices. They aren't just biological urges, or he'd never have the chance to start, and he would've never gotten clean for a few years. It's a choice. A choice that he made because he is a weak person. You don't have to be strong for him. Be strong for yourself.

just my opinion.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I can't imagine loving someone, getting married, being intimate and having children together and hating someone so much that you never want to talk to or see that person again, especially since you have children.


I had 2 kids with my exH. They were 6 and 1 when we split. I wouldn't say I hate him. My feelings are closer to loathing. The divorce was final in 2002. I can count on my fingers how many times we have spoken since then and all of those were kid related. He's completely out of my life and it's been glorious!

I agree, OP, that you need to cut contact so that you can truly move on and heal.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Evinrude58 said:


> I strongly disagree. There's no biological addiction or physical addiction, or incredibly strong drive to do it---- until you make the choice to do drugs. Everyone knows meth is highly addictive. He CHOSE to start doing it. You CHOSE to marry him knowing he is an addict? That he'd have an incredibly strong drive to do it, and married him anyway? I'm just asking, but WHY? I married a woman that I knew lied incessantly, and that was lazy, materialistic, and had a lot of other character flaws. I'm not innocent.
> I'm just suggesting you ask yourself WHY did you do this, so hopefully in the future you won't make the same mistake. My answer is that I had invested lots of time in this woman, I wanted have a family, and that I NEVER thought she'd cheat or have other major character flaws like diet pills and insecurity about weight. I was stupid and don't plan on making that mistake again.
> 
> I'm not judging you in any way. I can see that you are a very compassionate person and want to see the good in people and help them. But the fact is, he DID choose to start drugs. And he CHOSE to start them again and mistreat you and have sex with prostitutes. Those are choices. They aren't just biological urges, or he'd never have the chance to start, and he would've never gotten clean for a few years. It's a choice. A choice that he made because he is a weak person. You don't have to be strong for him. Be strong for yourself.
> ...


I understand what you are saying. I am not looking for a drug addiction argument. Perhaps, my wording is not clear. Yes, there are choices. We all make them. We all don't have the biological makeup/genetics the garner addiction. However, once the addict brain is "triggered" after years of sobriety....it falls hard or not (choice to walk away-go to meeting). 

Why I choose to marry a meth addict? I won't do that again...recognizing the emotional immaturity and destructive nature once relapse occurs! However, I married him somewhat naive (at the time) that he had it under control for 12 years. He was a responsible, good, fun person until he made a *choice* to not be. 

I continue to do my work and damn proud of it! I have a overall wonderful track record and can look at myself with open eyes. What could I have done different? What will I do different? I've attended a divorce support group; currently in counseling; read; journal; openly discuss topic with friends. 

The fact is prior to my relationship with him, I made some pretty great choices in my relationship with others. 

Thank you for your opinion and insight. I am doing pretty well and the majority of the time...there is minimal focus on my ex. That's good news as he's used up to much of my energy already.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Corpuswife said:


> On vacation, in Hawaii, he relapsed #2 in Hawaii


How the heck did he find a drug dealer while on vacation in Hawaii?


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I strongly disagree. There's no biological addiction or physical addiction, or incredibly strong drive to do it---- until you make the choice to do drugs. Everyone knows meth is highly addictive. He CHOSE to start doing it. You CHOSE to marry him knowing he is an addict? That he'd have an incredibly strong drive to do it, and married him anyway? I'm just asking, but WHY? I married a woman that I knew lied incessantly, and that was lazy, materialistic, and had a lot of other character flaws. I'm not innocent.
> I'm just suggesting you ask yourself WHY did you do this, so hopefully in the future you won't make the same mistake. My answer is that I had invested lots of time in this woman, I wanted have a family, and that I NEVER thought she'd cheat or have other major character flaws like diet pills and insecurity about weight. I was stupid and don't plan on making that mistake again.
> 
> I'm not judging you in any way. I can see that you are a very compassionate person and want to see the good in people and help them. But the fact is, he DID choose to start drugs. And he CHOSE to start them again and mistreat you and have sex with prostitutes. Those are choices. They aren't just biological urges, or he'd never have the chance to start, and he would've never gotten clean for a few years. It's a choice. A choice that he made because he is a weak person. You don't have to be strong for him. Be strong for yourself.
> ...


I hear you, but once you have started using it destroys one's ability to make rational decisions. Physical changes occur creating chemical dependencies. It is very real. 

Ironically, some are less affected. Again, physical differences.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Tortdog said:


> Ironically, some are less affected. Again, physical differences.


That's not _ironically_, it might be _statistically._

Irony would be a drug addict finally gets clean after years of substance abuse, he finally gets a job and when he's driving to work on his first day he's broadsided by an addict high on crack and he's killed instantly.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Betrayedone said:


> I have kids but I vowed I will never see my x again. We alternate attendance at functions. Works great.


I can't say I will never see my x again, but I have as little contact as possible. We do things separately. We don't do the combo birthday parties and such, we have our own. 

I don't hate my x, but I have no time for her. She turned everyone's life upside down over the old "I'm not happy anymore" deal. I know some people divorce and then the man continues to help out and be all chummy at events. Not me. I cut ties the moment she wanted the split. I have lost all respect for her.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Herschel said:


> You know, I've been "cheated" on twice, and while I am hurt, I really don't have hatred towards either of them. Maybe I just don't have enough desire or energy to hate...


I was cheated on and I don't have the desire or energy to "hate" either. But I also don't have the desire or energy to keep that person in my life in any way. Dismissed.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

It sounds to me like maybe he is addicted to drugs, and you are addicted to him wanting/needing/admiring you.

I would cut all contact and move on. Focus on making new friendships/relationships so there is not a hole in your life where you are wondering what he is up to and if he misses/needs you or regrets losing you.

I think it's normal to have curiosity and want to stay connected to an ex in some way. Especially if you're the co-dependant sort. But I don't think it's good for you long term. 

Plus, I know I would be very wary about getting involved with someone who was having "how are you now?" chats with their ex the drug addict. I would feel he/she was not really over that person and free to truly connect with me in a romantically exclusive way, and that the destructive ex could pop up and wreak havoc in our lives at any time.

Did you ever see the movie "Love Actually." Great movie, and spoiler alert if you haven't seen it: but there's this one female who is totally in love with a great guy from work. But she has this needy, abusive brother (who seems to be mentally ill). He always needs her for his drama and then treats her like crap when she drops everything to run to his side every time he has some concocted "emergency" need for her. He makes her miserable, yet when she has a chance at real love with the man of her dreams she throws it away to go be verbally abused by her needy brother. For whatever reason, being a martyr to him is a stronger pull on her than having love and happiness.

I'm not saying you're doing that by staying in touch by text, but I would say there is no good reason to be in touch with him so there must be some reason you are doing it. Don't let him steal your future and don't let his opinion of you measure your self worth.

Good luck!




Corpuswife said:


> After a divorce that was final March 7th....my best friend asks me what benefits it is for me to have ANY contact with my ex?
> 
> I am in the pondering mode.
> 
> ...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

No contact. Move on . good luck


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One thing you are doing by keeping him in your life is setting your life up for drama. He will be looking to you as a life line, it could be help when he gets arrested or he could decide to just come steel from you. Maybe he ends up getting a disease and needs medical help or maybe he begs to borrow money for rehab, the scenarios are endless, he could very well ruin your life. Are you prepared for that? The 3AM phone call from the jail or the hospital? How about him showing up at your door and needing a place to crash for "a few days"? 

Let's look at it this way. If you were to meet him today and he said "I am a meth addict, I cheat and lie, I hurt the people in my life because I want to do drugs, I will hurt you, I will lie to you, I will cheat on you, I will steel from you, I will contaminate your life with my filth" If you met him today and he said those things or you knew those things about him would you still invite him into your life?

Get him out of your life, there is no up side to having contact with him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mclane said:


> How the heck did he find a drug dealer while on vacation in Hawaii?



He called the escorts...they know where to get it or bring it with them. Plus, your sex drive goes into overdriver. A real 2-1


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Cooper said:


> One thing you are doing by keeping him in your life is setting your life up for drama. He will be looking to you as a life line, it could be help when he gets arrested or he could decide to just come steel from you. Maybe he ends up getting a disease and needs medical help or maybe he begs to borrow money for rehab, the scenarios are endless, he could very well ruin your life. Are you prepared for that? The 3AM phone call from the jail or the hospital? How about him showing up at your door and needing a place to crash for "a few days"?
> 
> Let's look at it this way. If you were to meet him today and he said "I am a meth addict, I cheat and lie, I hurt the people in my life because I want to do drugs, I will hurt you, I will lie to you, I will cheat on you, I will steel from you, I will contaminate your life with my filth" If you met him today and he said those things or you knew those things about him would you still invite him into your life?
> 
> Get him out of your life, there is no up side to having contact with him.


Thank you Cooper. Well put!

I am a really good boundary setter overall. My phone if off when I sleep. I don't bail people out (financially or jail-wise). I've learned my lessons along the way.

He doesn't serve a REAL purpose in my life.

As another poster stated...it may be some curiosity. It may be a mess of other reasons. 

I have decided that if he touches base again (usually every 2-3 weeks). I will let him know that I don't wish for contact as I see no benefit.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> Thank you Cooper. Well put!
> 
> I am a really good boundary setter overall. My phone if off when I sleep. I don't bail people out (financially or jail-wise). I've learned my lessons along the way.
> 
> ...


Good...and if he doesn't respect your wish, then block him at all sides. 

You will feel a HUGE weight lifted from you once you do this.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I received a "hey, happy mothers day"

I said nothing and intend to let it go.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Corpuswife said:


> I understand what you are saying. I am not looking for a drug addiction argument. Perhaps, my wording is not clear. Yes, there are choices. We all make them. We all don't have the biological makeup/genetics the garner addiction. However, once the addict brain is "triggered" after years of sobriety....it falls hard or not (choice to walk away-go to meeting).
> 
> Why I choose to marry a meth addict? I won't do that again...recognizing the emotional immaturity and destructive nature once relapse occurs! However, I married him somewhat naive (at the time) that he had it under control for 12 years. He was a responsible, good, fun person until he made a *choice* to not be.
> 
> ...


Geez, 12 years and chose to f up his life again. You sound like you pretty much have it together as good as most. Just put him begins you and don't look back. He's shown you he is a miserable addict by choice. 
I think you're handling this well at this point. 
Don't mean to be too critical. Addicts, even reformed, are deal breakers for me. Too risky. But I screw up in other ways to equal your mistakes if not surpass them. I definitely stayed the obvious which wasn't helpful. Sorry about that. 
I'm happy for you that you are getting over this guy. Hope you find a good one next time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

You know what is wrong here , stop playing games and get rid of this situation ......... ANY relationship with drugs or alcohol abuse is not worth saving ..........


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