# What now?



## married&lovingit (Jan 26, 2011)

Some backstory: Married for nearly 30 years. Had a real rough patch late 2010/early 2011. Found TAM and MMSL around that time and really reconnected with my wife, things have greatly improved between us since then. During this rough patch, wife admitted to me that when she was 12-13, her oldest brother molested and raped her. She has never told anyone else but me. Fast forward to this past week. Wife volunteered to another brother that we would come and help paint his house this weekend. This brother still maintains contact with the oldest and we were told that this oldest brother would be present this weekend. 

When we found this out, I mentioned to my wife that my over-riding desire was to teach this brother a lesson - and she mentioned that she didn't want any confrontations and she feared that I would get hurt.

This oldest brother has led a life of homelessness and crime and is close to 10 years my senior (I'm 53). I've kind of gone along with the mindset that he's gotten what he deserves in life. But I've always harbored angry feelings toward this animal that took something that was wrong. This all came to a head last night when I told her that I was extremely hurt over her mentioning that she felt I couldn't protect her.

I am at a loss on how to proceed.

My 'natural' reaction would be a total Beta reaction; back down and let bygones be bygones - specially since this is what she 'said' I should do. 

My wife doesn't really ever 'fitness test' me anymore (hey, it's been 30 years) - but this really feels like a major shyt test and my 'correct' reponse should be to protect her honor - but really fisticuffs at my age?

So... what should be my mindset here? How do I deal with this that leaves my wife looking up to me. 

And I've probably already dug a small hole with my reactions/conversations with her since last night...

All I know is that right now I feel pretty worthless to my wife - and she doesn't even feel I'm capable of standing up for her/me/us


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I was molested by my brother at an early age, so I do have some perspective on your wife's feelings on this.

What I want from my H (and what I get) is absolute support, absolute understanding, and absolute loathing for my brother -- in private.

We do occasionally have to interact with the brother. I frankly would be appalled if my H tried to engage in any kind of physical confrontation at this point -- unless I asked him to. It's kind of her call at this point.

You'll get a lot of differing advice here, people telling you to "man up" etc etc, but I don't see it. And I don't think that a 50-ish woman will be pleased or impressed by fisticuffs. That's high school stuff. What I want from a man is understanding and support, not displays of aggression that don't fix anything. [Now, do I enjoy hearing my H say in private that he'd like to sock him? Sure  That's different.]

That's just my opinion, I'm sure you will get others. Good for you for being on her team, you will never know how much that means to her!


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm 50 years old, and I'm not a small guy (6'3" and 200#, in very good shape), but I have adult responsibilities. So it would not be prudent for me to risk physical harm and/or incarceration in a situation such as the one you describe.

I know plenty of people who enjoy beating on others, or just threatening people with a beat-down. If I felt like I needed to send a physical message to someone, I would simply recruit someone who is better at it and enjoys it to do it by proxy.

My BIL never sexually abused my wife, but he abused her verbally and mentally, and he sometimes abused her physically before we met. He was one of the most f*cked-up people I have ever known (always in legal trouble, had bad people looking to kick his a$$, drugs and alcohol, etc.). So like you, I felt like he got what he deserved in life (he is now dead from a drug overdose in 2005). But he also knew that if he ever did anything to my wife while I was alive, he would be severely physically punished for it, because I told him that much. I would have just had one of my "friends" pay him a visit. He would have never known if it was someone I sent, or if it was some drug dealer he owed money to.

I would suggest that you confront her brother, tell him you know what he did, and that if he ever lays a finger on her again, you will come down on him like a ton of bricks.

Some might not agree with this suggestion, but it will show your wife that you are willing to put yourself out there to protect her, and lets him know that you are not f*cking around.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think the situation you describe would be untenable for me, although I wouldn’t know unless actually put in it.

I think I would conform to my wife’s wishes if she didn’t want me to confront her brother. I would like to think that she’d comply with my wishes that neither she or I would be in her brother’s company unless say it was unavoidable like a wedding or funeral.

Painting a house would for me be an avoidable situation and I’d ask my wife to respect that. Then it would be up to her “good” brother what he does about it, him or us type of thing to help paint your house.

If my wife insisted on going with both brothers there then I think she’d be going by herself as I couldn’t guarantee that should he give a look or a word that I’d be able to control my anger.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

AFEH, but look at what you are saying. You are so angry (and protective?) about what happened to your wife that you are willing to let her brave a difficult situation by herself without your support and protection -- huh?

That doesn't quite track, logically. Is it about supporting your wife, or is it about you feeling that you have satisfied some image of manhood in your head?

Sometimes the manliest thing you can do is to stand by silently and support someone when they need you to.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lamaga said:


> AFEH, but look at what you are saying. You are so angry (and protective?) about what happened to your wife that you are willing to let her brave a difficult situation by herself without your support and protection -- huh?
> 
> That doesn't quite track, logically. Is it about supporting your wife, or is it about you feeling that you have satisfied some image of manhood in your head?
> 
> Sometimes the manliest thing you can do is to stand by silently and support someone when they need you to.


No. I am saying that I wouldn’t be able to tell my wife I guarantee that I wouldn’t get angry. I couldn’t guarantee it. It’s my wife he forced himself on and raped, not some stranger on the street. I’d be likely to take his head off if provoked in any way whatsoever. If she still wanted me to go under those conditions then fine. That would be her choice.

In exactly the same way it’s her choice if she puts herself in front of the man who raped her. For me, the type of man I am she would be asking the impossible of me to guarantee I wouldn’t get angry. I don’t promise what I can’t do.

It’s painting a house. That’s all it is. If her good brother’s feelings are more important to her than mine, she’d most certainly go by herself.



If she’s using the painting thing as a way of confronting her brother with her husband then she’s a crazy woman. That sort of thing should be done through a professional counsellor/therapist in good and safe conditions.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi married and loving it~

I'm very sorry your wife has had this happen in her past.

You are trying to atone for something for which you cannot. You cannot amend the fact that your wife was abused by her brother in the past. You cannot protect her from that which happened in her past. An angry outburst from you, while making you feel gratified and justified, may only serve to further hurt your wife. Consider very carefully the gravity of such an action.

You CAN work TOGETHER to protect her from this happening in the future. If the thought of seeing the brother and avoiding a confrontation is something you feel you cannot manage, then tell your wife truthfully that in order to avoid a confrontation at the painting, the brother must not be present if you and your wife are. Be truthful and honest with her about how you feel about it. Listen respectfully to her response, and see if you can come to an agreement you both feel comfortable with.

Is her other brother or family aware of what took place between her and her brother in the past?

And, do you often have to see the older brother?

How has your wife coped with this secret for all of these years?

You need to discuss together (amongst yourselves or with an objective third-party if you need guidance on framing the conversations) on how you will handle these issues and learn to cope with what happened in the past, as possible confrontations are likely to continue to come up in future gatherings and bother you now that you know of her history.

Best wishes.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

lamaga said:


> AFEH, but look at what you are saying. You are so angry (and protective?) about what happened to your wife that you are willing to let her brave a difficult situation by herself without your support and protection -- huh?
> 
> That doesn't quite track, logically. Is it about supporting your wife, or is it about you feeling that you have satisfied some image of manhood in your head?
> 
> Sometimes the manliest thing you can do is to stand by silently and support someone when they need you to.


I agree that the OP needs to be with his wife. But I see what AFEH was saying. How can you just let it stand that a guy do that to the one you love the most? I don't know the answer to that. Where does that stop? Let's say it does come to a physical confrontation. What can you possibly do to that guy to bring any comfort to your wife? 

And to the married&lovingit, you have to know that there are some things that you can't protect your wife from. This is one of them. You can probably protect her physically (just remember there's no such thing as a fair street fight). But this is more of a mental/emotional thing. How do you protect that? You could be a UFC champion, a boxing champion, and Bruce Lee all rolled up into one, and you wouldn't be able to do a thing.

So, that leads me to the situation itself. Is painting a house worth all of this drama? What do you stand to gain? To me, a painted house. What do you stand to lose? Your wife's well-being, because that's going to rip open old scars. 

I don't think it's worth a painted house to subject your wife to that. Maybe that's just me. So, if it were me, I'd remove my wife and myself from a "no-win" situation. Her brother's just going to have to understand. That's the only way to see that your wife is protected.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Married&lovingit, you don’t think you’re being fitness tested but you might want to look up and read about passive aggression.

The situation your wife is “creating” is EXACTLY the type of situation passive aggressives think about, plan and execute. She may well be setting you up for some sort of confrontation with her brother, using the two of you against each other.

Think about it. She is asking you to be in the same house for what a day doing a social activity like painting WITH THE MAN WHO RAPED HER!

And she expects you to do NOTHING! Crazy woman.


I know that more likely sounds paranoid. But it’s the type of thing my wife did. I would have been much better off if someone had alerted me at least to the possibility of passive aggressive behaviour.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Married&lovingit, you don’t think you’re being fitness tested but you might want to look up and read about passive aggression.
> 
> The situation your wife is “creating” is EXACTLY the type of situation passive aggressives think about, plan and execute. She may well be setting you up for some sort of confrontation with her brother, using the two of you against each other.
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree more. It's painting a house. It's not life or death here. There's something more to this. There's got to be.


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## married&lovingit (Jan 26, 2011)

Appreciate gratefully the responses - didn't really get what I was hoping to get (in the way of advice) - but that's OK... 

I did get feelings to paper (so-to-speak) and that helped me clear my head.

The "good" brother has been asked (and agreed) to keep the 'bad' brother away from the house while we are there this weekend. And if he shows... We'll deal with it as adults.

I should have stood up to him years ago, but I was swallowing the blue pill and bending over backwards to appease the wife - I don't want to rehash those years again. 

Most importantly, I didn't lose my cool/head over this and kept my emotions/feelings in check (choosing to spill my guts out to you).

I hope you all have a nice weekend and thank you again...

M&LI


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