# Effective communication anyone



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I am seeking ideas and comments to try and encourage/ improve communication. 

I currently send weekly updates as to the family's schedule (reminders and seeking approval, as per us... he sets his own schedule 

I have made an attempt on working on issues with in marriage per communication 

I have suggested 15 mins of private conversation a week (13 hrs a year)

I leave notes send texts which the children do as well... they put a note in daddy's lunchbox and in his wallet along with ones for the vending machines weekly.

Once a year I will leave a thankful note in all of his 46 jackets and coats (post spring washing) along with some "free money" hehe...

I send texts we call and leave a message when the children go to sleep... 


There are barriers at home that have prevented standard forms of communications... 

*When not playing he continues to wear his gaming ear bob while in party chat... 

*He has company on his off days spanning the entire awake period sort of rotating company. 

*He is on a third shift schedule and goes to sleep when we wake up 

*He has declined my Idea for 15 mins a week talk in the am prior to his going to sleep seeing that it works him up and disturbs his sleep...


I dont pounce on him I need to take great effort to ease in to it.
If he feels uneasy about subject, about the timing or depending what is going on with in his circle of family and friends... basicly it turns in to me sitting silent as he rather loudly verbally vents and often it isnt about anything seeing that he will tell us he is sorry the hurtful comments, was a response to his feeling overwhelmed... I have for several years have limited my communication to verbal praise and info sent via email, and I am seeking help in solving my issue with out flairing up my H's Irish temper  

Many Thanks!!! Any comments are welcome for sometimes its the odd things, small things that work out the best


----------



## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Wow, if I'm reading this right, your H is a total A**. Sorry. If you are going thru the trouble of doing everything you have written and your H won't communicate with you, he's an A**.

I would set him down and let him know right away that if he continues to neglect conversation with you, you will have to come up with more creative ways to talk to him: like sex. tell him about your day during sex. He'll get the point immediately.


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Oh now that would be a good ploy to encourage communication... however not very effect in our particular relationship... feel free to read up on Talk of sex with-in marriage


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/38062-talk-sex-marriage.html


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I didnt mean to make him seem so... It is my fault in the beginning of marriage I got frustrated that I wasnt able to get my point across. I gave in and quit trying... I am now trying to figure out how I can work on communication so that I may strengthen our relationship 

I think the next 10 years will be better than the first decade if I can figure out how to beable to talk with my H


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

With an improvement in communication I would hope that with time and talking I would beable to express issues I have been having. As well as specifics of problems he has with me. 

3 months... work on talking weekly about issues and prevent him from regretting his saying hurtful comments about the children

6 months... "

12 months..." 

5 years... work on respect with in the relationship... helping the children to reflect on respect as it plays a role in marriage

10 years... look back and smile, not cry!!!


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Am I reading this correctly, that you can't talk to your husband for 15 minutes a day? And yet he has company over EVERY DAY?

Are you married to a 16 year old?

What kind of marriage can you have if he can't give you 15 minutes of his time?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Having now read your other post, you are in quite the dysfunctional marriage. I am surprised you could handle the isolation for almost a decade without saying anything. Why are you still around?

I think you've done enough to try and get him to turn to you, if he hasn't gotten the message yet he's dumb, deaf, and blind. Give him the papers and if that doesn't wake him up, you're practically divorced anyway.

What has happened in your life that you would accept being treated this way for 9 years?


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I realize he is the father of your children, but besides that, what is it that you're getting out of this relationship? 

You're making all the effort to shore up this broken marriage. You've listed many things that you're doing. Most of those are above and beyond what other wives do. 

I haven't read what he's doing to improve communication. If anything, he seems to avoid communication with you. For example, he has company over when he's not working, he stays in party chat, he won't give you even 15 minutes of his undivided attention to talk to you. That's not normal. I'm sorry to say that because it's probably not what you want to hear. 

One person alone can't fix the problems in a relationship. 

No matter how badly you want to improve things you can't do it unless he is equally committed to the marriage. 

It doesn't sound like he wants to change. He sounds like he's not invested in this marriage at all.


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

As far as efforts on his part... they are opposite of trying to improve things as far as communication is concerned...

I grew up thinking when someone was upset enough to raise their voice (men) that it was to express an issue... My H however says the cruelest things... No matter the topic or even no topic at all he verbalizes in circles... he rather destroy the object of his anger no matter the cost or the work it causes me. He says things, he doesnt mean to the children... they cry and although I try to explain why daddy is so upset our 9 year old...she says things out of frustration about wanting dad to just leave... our 7yr old locks himself in his room and our 1yr old just clings to me... I try to contain his bursts to the bedroom...but he tends to get all worked up and wander around while yelling... when I think he is done he mumbles to himself while keeping the same path then comes in while I am picking up the pieces to start all over again...

I dont expect him to change who he is... more or less a desire for him to practice healthy communication... I told him it would be done later as habit... I dont expect things to change over night... more like years. That is when I suggested 15mins a week for talking... that went over as well as family date night once a month haha... Where we spend time together just the 5 of us... we dont have to do anything special... more or less just have us, no company. 

I realize that I cant fix every problem in our relationship... I have been trying to find a way I can get the ball rolling... just to be able to talk with out him blowing up and calling names and saying hurtful things... It cuts down useful talking to a matter of moments

What I am getting out this relationship... in the last decade many things have changed... we no longer have multiple friends (his) living in our living room although we started out in a single room roach infested apartment... we have come a far way and live on an acre in town with an in-ground pool and the children and I have a wing of the house and he has the other... I have a garden and with canning and am able to teach the kids as I grew up to be more self sufficient than most. We have three wonderful children that are so close!!! They are kind loving and so mature... the teachers comment that "I have to remember they are only children" 

I refuse to fail... I have been discouraged the last 10 years, trying to fill every moment with work, activities, cleaning cooking and going above and beyond as you put it... it has been a terrific distraction... Im only on earth a short time and I want to be sure I get it right...


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Your home environment sounds unhealthy and rather terrifying. The things you have, the busy parts of your life, don't hide the fact that your homelife is abusive and incredibly unstable.

Your own child wants him to leave. I don't know what else you need to see or hear, but there's no way he would be allowed to continue this behavior. I'd have him removed from the house.


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Maybe with enough time invested in the relationship he will come to see things as they are... and who is there for him when he needs them... Maybe it is just to early ... I have lived like this for a decade who is to say that I cant do it again... I see all the things Ive done... just to think that my oldest will be in her 2-3rd year of college our son will be graduating from high school...and Catherine will be in Jr high... I may even be a Granny  I will in my 30's! He will be 40...maybe the view is better from there...

Thank you all for your kind words all and your kind view of reality. Truth is I was questioning my own ability to withstand the current communication problems... maybe there is no way to improve them... but I handle them better now than ever before... For the issues in life that have solution you must give it to god and take Joy in your ability to cope! 

You are all amazing!!! Thank you so very much!


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it..."

"Fathers do not provoke your children to wrath..."

Jbear do you truly believe that God wants you and your children to live this way? There is no joy in suffering.


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

God has given me so much, He has taken baby's from me so that I treasure the three healthy and wonderful children I have. He has given me a life with speed bumps so I know just how blessed I am with the smooth moments  How I treasure them... he has made my faith stronger than I could have ever imagined!!! I am so very thankful....


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I see god in everything and thankful that I can look with the eyes he has given me... sometimes you take for granted a soft bed until you lay on the floor


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jbear you are in an abusive relationship and you are rationalizing and making excuses for it. You've put up with abuse and put your kids in a situation where they are abused for many years. It is not your responsibility and there is nothing you can do to make someone change. Stop trying.

You lack self-esteem and self-respect to think you deserve better. You deserve to be in a GOOD, HEALTHY marriage as do your kids. If for no other reason, you need to leave FOR your kids. They are being abused, and more than that, you are modeling to them how their future marriage should look. Your kids will grow up thinking it is ok to ignore your wife and be angry with your kids. They will grow up thinking that a wife should be a doormat and tolerate any behavior from her husband.

What has happened to you in your life that you think this is normal or that you accept it as the way of life? Were your parents in a similar marriage? Were you abused as a child emotionally or verbally? This is not normal or healthy. You need counselling and you need to get out of your toxic household and take your kids with you.


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Does he want these things too?
> 
> You can't work on preventing him from regretting (or saying) hurtful comments about the children. You cannot shoulder his responsibilities for him. This is something he needs to do. Does he realize he needs to do something differently?
> 
> What would happen if he did lose his Irish temper? Why should you walk on eggshells so that he doesn't have to face this side of his personality that needs to be tempered?


He has a way of thinking I have a hard time of explaining with out making him seem... well anyway darling, he feels he needs to do nothing for the problem is me... (he didnt go in to specifics) I am his and that is that

And well with the greatest of efforts to calm his temper and with out great event in which he needs to show me his full temper... I am greatly thankful. His spats involves yelling rather loudly (the neighbors have "come to the rescue" having heard him from their livingroom haha... Often the nearest item or household fixture has been his victim... thankful I am good at repairs and My style in home decor has been changed over the years to minimal mid century modern  

I will leave it at that... Just that there are many reasons to walk on eggshells


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

The children and I are of faith... however my H sees church as cult and views religion poorly. Although we have had to stop going to church in the past we have again recently made an attempt to be active members of a new church since having moved some time ago...

His friends have tried to point out his actions towards us... but they either faded from his friendship, having found the issues with it trying or have gotten frustrated for my not demanding respect...

I am thankful for all their efforts in the past, I fear that was a lost cause


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

define Troll? Is that a person that tries the see the bright side of things... I fear I have been rather closed off from the internet although I was a member of FB for a short period... my H had agreed to this site just last week...

troll/trōl/
Noun:	
A mythical, cave-dwelling being depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance.
The action of trolling for fish.

is this modern day slang... for when my H called me Fagly I thought it ment fun but ugly... I didnt realize until recently it was f word ugly... sigh... im young but fear I have not been one to understand slang, and I assure you although I take great pride in my personality I have been assured that I am good looking (I think that anyone with youth and a smile is appealing to most)


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Dr laura's book talk often of attuitude and its reactions in marriage... my Extended Family is all perfect for me, happy, handy, fun, silly the biggest bunch of kids that you have ever seen... I am thankful that I had a positive upbringing... It has often pointed out due to my upbringing I am older in actions and words than I am. 

When I generically mentioned my being weighed with woe my grandmother (my mom) suggested that I set my hair, and use one of the white strips for my teeth she got me and iron my dress (got wrinkled on drive over) It worked I felt better however did little to solve the issue... amazing how little things can make you feel better


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

There are reasons that I havent spoke of private matters before fearing my own foolishness for having stayed..

I was raised with the belief that single women who gain an ugly sense of independence in their youth are ruined for marriage. 

That after 53 years of marriage you no longer spat because you have argued about everything there is to argue about...

It was 26 years before my Gma told my Gpa it is time to grow up, stop going out and to respect her or leave... 

That divorce is never the answer... it is best to stick it out, in time he will see what he has... it apparently hasnt been long enough and I am selfish for having thought that I had earned my right...

Truly I only desire advice on how to improve communication... for physically we have non so any would be an improvement...


I thank you kindly for your concern for it shows a great love for a stranger  I am sorry if I have given you an impression of a toxic environment... quite the contrast from the ms perfect so nice shes fake impression I give people in real life haha having a sense of humor is the ability to laugh at ones self... but I find that it in turn is a good mask to hide the hurt that others words may improperly place


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I am in a flood of emotion and I am sorry If you find my remarks unappealing... I think it best to get the baby bundled up I see we have little time to finish our snowman, he fell apart in the lovely weather we had last week


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> Part of me hopes you're a troll and these posts aren't real.
> 
> If you're being honest, this is a very toxic situation. I feel so bad for your poor children. Your children are growing up in an abusive home. They and you deserve so much better.
> 
> I don't even know how you can put happy emoticons in your posts. There's so much wrong here, I don't know where to begin.


Godwin's Law?

The more she posts the more I think it. Even if she isn't lying she isn't going to take any sound advice from anyone here. Some people are OK with abuse.


----------



## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

They are blocking out Wikipedia for 24 hours... please could you tell me about godwin's law? 

my chest is burning and my eyes are swelling... I have tried so very hard to be careful with my choice of words to describe things...
Thinking that through your wisdom I could find something that I havent found in a book ... a solution or in the very least something that I havent tried... so hopeful that it would work

Instead I find that my personality is so lothed even to those deticated to a forum with a goal of marriage bliss... I am sorry... 

I am sorry I must have missed the advice that you have given... for I would try it so long as it wasnt tried before... 

I didnt know for years he loathed having sex with me... how foolish and embarrassed I feel that I tried and oh the things I tried. Those years of guilt I have for trying the rejection and pain it left me... now think about a solution to all of the above... being just one of many issues... had I known
I could have worked to solve the problem! communication... I am not a mind reader. 

Coguy- You are right I was trying to change him ... I used fancy words like improve and make healthy communication habit what it comes down to is what I desire is change. 

I read that to love someone unconditionally you love them for who they are faults and all and dont try to change them...It is my fault if I have desires greater than that... for any unhappiness would be of my making... 

As far as the childrens up bringing... I fear that is undisputedly my fault... How we all wish we could have a magic globe to tell us the future... For we did things properly... I didnt nor did he know his feelings about being a father. I am thankful we have the children, they tell me I am the best mom in the world... I have enjoyed every moment from colic to up all night with the flu  the good the bad and the best... being the father he is makes me a better mom 

My extended family isnt in favor of divorce... My Dad said I would be a burden and explained to me that with so much baggage (three kids) I would be undesirable...
He works with my H(he sees and hears) and doesnt repeat things it makes him a valuable ear... I tried to explain I would be fairly young when the children are moving out... leaving only my youngest maybe I could start again then... he just shook his head... He is smart... It is a harsh reality but It reconfirms why I put so much effort in to this. 

I deserve this... I thought I could at least try to make the most of it


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I deserve this...


No you don't. It's the lie you keep telling yourself because really you're afraid to take the action to walk away. You've even rationalized what your father told you about being undesirable because you have 3 kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is 2012, not 1912.

You can keep lying to yourself and to others, including the rest of your misinformed family, or you can do what's best for you and your children. THEY don't deserve what you're doing to them by staying. 

It saddens me to see how little you are taking your childrens well being into consideration with your choices. It's downright selfish.


----------



## PaterFamilia (Jan 17, 2012)

I want to praise you Jbear for your tenacity. There is a respectability in divorce with today's culture these days but, as Diane Medved writes in her "Case Against Divorce" book, every marriage has something worth preserving, something that can be restored. Revitalizing a relationship brings triumph and ongoing reward. Avoiding divorce spares those concerned from the greatest trauma of their lives.

Yours is a common problem. How lonely and vulnerable you must feel in a marriage without companionship. And based on your prose, your conversations are probably limited from empty gabbing -- although, as Wonka says, "A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men."

One thing I could share from my experience is that women often say that they have done everything that they could. No, usually they have *said* everything that they could. Men are action-based. Once my wife walked out, I realized that she harbored an inner angst that was muted to my perceptions.

We like to label things black and white, but sometimes I wonder if I myself am mildly autistic. The distinction between genders can be so challenging. There are so many gray areas, so it is vital that couples find some avenue of guided imagery into rich talk sessions. Otherwise, you will continue to grow apart :-(

A couple of helpful materials is John & Stasi Eldredge's audiobook, "Love and War" and for every man's nightstand should have Stormie O'Martian's "The Power of a Praying Husband" on it. In fact, regarding the contrast of the H's verbal bursts, Stormie says that most men have no idea about the power of their voice. She explains how there is nothing more wonderful than the male voice. It is strong and deep and rich. But the male voice can also be terrifying, especially to women and children. His words can strike and kill or be a balm and heal. 

My W would refuse to disagree in private from the children and I think I understand that it was her backwards way of relagating some authority and justification of her behavior. If I could turn back the clock, I would have sought to entreat her to admit some of these defects of the heart and seek to find answers together, either through good videos, seminars, books, and or counseling.


----------

