# Trying to get over her after 23 years together....classic story, wild twist.



## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

It's really the classic story, with a twist. She turned 41 recently. After 23 years together and two beautiful children, my wife said those dreaded words(I love you but not in love with you) in the fall of 2012 and it went south to where she finally demanded divorce in March after she moved out to her own place. I fought the separation and and begged and pleaded and cried... it just made it worse. What makes my story different is that we invited the other guy into our relationship for sex. He was a friend of a friend and we invited him into the bedroom for fun after I kind of pushed it on her. She resisted but definitely enjoyed it. I came to find that she met the guy behind my back and they were "crazy" about each other. She blames me for everything in the marriage going bad. She said that I was controlling and verbally abusive and that I cheated on her, which I did not, and that she could never love me again. She tole her family that I was all of these wrong things to justify her own behavior. After she finally moved out citing that she wanted to "find herself" and go back to school to complete her education, and on the heals of one of our kids moving away from college, I ultimately found her at this guys house in the spring and found out that he dumped his girlfriend, who he had cheated on to be with my wife. It's a twisted story, I know. To add to our history, she also cheated on me 3 years ago with another guy on Facebook and I had no idea that was going on at the time...ultimately forgiving her and really bouncing back in a good way. In some weird way, I thought inviting the current guy into the bedroom would make things exciting for her and allow me to control the situation. Yeah, well...no it didn't. I invited disaster instead of going to therapy and trying to heal the marriage. Now she treats me like the perfect stranger and I feel completely lost. Our history was not all bad. We argued on occasion before this whole thing but we really got along and were romantic and best friends. We went out on dates, I kissed her all the time, we laughed and hiked and enjoyed being together...but I did notice her slowly getting a little colder over the last year. I am now left feeling completely abandoned, rejected, and alone....incapable of being able to love another woman. She walked away from everything....gave me primary custody of our kids, left the house, sold her car that I bought her, and started a new life. I think it's partly midlife crisis? How do I get over her? I go to therapy(oddly enough our marriage counselor who we only visited once together in December) and I try to understand it and move forward but I still cry every day and I can't seem to move on. It honestly still hurts worse than anything I have ever felt. All I want is some sort of peace. To make matters worse, I finally told her last week that she can't come to the house to hang out, which she has been doing all summer to visit with our kids, and she flipped out and made it known to me that she went away with her boyfriend this weekend, who I refer to as Cheating Scumbag(C.S.), to her. This other guy(C.S.) has been going through a messy divorce for years and his ex is taking him for everything...to the point where he has to live with a buddy of his because he's broke. I found out that he cheated on his wife a few times and then he cheated on his last girlfriend and dumped her to be with my wife. He's a class act, huh? Me trying to explain how he's a loser to my wife has yielded nothing. She just seems to hate me more and more...especially when we get nasty about things. I recently cut her off of our cell phone contract and kicked her off our car insurance, as we are now formally separated and I told her that I am going for a divorce immediately....but she can tell how pathetic I am and would take her back. I tried no-contact for a while and it did nothing for me. She just doesn't care at all most times. Recently over the past few weeks, while visiting the kids here, she did some work in one of the rooms I renovated and I still can't understand why she did the work. I still don't understand why she did this in general. My therapist said that she's "running toward something"....and not "running away from me or the marriage." How does a woman who wrote me the nicest love notes and gave the greatest kisses and hugs become the cold woman that she became. Before she left in January, she seemed like she might have wanted it to work out but slowly she slipped away and into his arms...and I probably pushed her there more by begging and over-reacting. I just don't get it and can't understand why I can't get over her. I waited a while after reading much on this site but thought I'd post and get advice. Help!?!?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Please use paragraphs when posting. It makes life easier for readers.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. 

I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve by pushing another sex partner onto your wife, but I highly suspect you've got some serious work to do on discovering your childhood and the damages your personality has sustained.

I don't believe your feelings for your wife have ever been totally healthy and there was obviously a strong level of dysfunction involved in your relationship which eventually led to this.

At this point, you're codependent. An addict. Without acknowledging your codependency and fighting it, you're not getting out of this rut. Read up on codependency and understand your addiction.

It's hard to label your wife as a walk-away spouse because of the unhealthy dynamic you admit to have pushed for yourself. Nevertheless, she has betrayed your trust and clearly disrespecting you. Your boundaries mean nothing to her (you are a lot to blame for this).

The list of 'to do' things remain largely the same as other betrayed men with walkaway wives though.

Follow the list and don't fail on any of the items. Your marriage is dead. If you follow the commandments, your wife may start to get reattracted to you. Her bubble will soon burst anyway. You need to get to a place where you are free of codependency and guilt.

Follow these:

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why does bringing another spouse into a marriage screw it up, because I tells your spouse they rank pretty low on the totem pole. You pimped her out, there is no other way to put. The om however made her think she was everything.


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

Thank you very much synthetic. I truly appreciate your input. I will get to work on what you pointed out and look forward to trying a new approach. 

The childhood dynamic for me is very much a contributing factor as to why my marriage failed. I had many issues that I needed to address and I never did until she left me and I seriously started to go to a therapist. I was a victim of abuse at the hands of a older teenage neighbor and it carried through in my marriage in the form of fear and control. I feared everything and went through quite a bit. My control was merely me not letting my kids do sleep-overs and constantly being with my wife. I am co-dependent....I feel like an addict. I feel like I can't let this go and it scares me and makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to love another woman again. 

We did get along though and the introduction of a another person into the bedroom was suggested by me.... although she was very much into it but hesitant. She always said that she only needed me and that she needed nobody else. Instead of loving her and making her feel special with romance and truly listening to what she needed, I was dismissive of her feelings and truly was self-centered in many respects. Conversely, I was a good father and husband...we always held hands and dated and liked the same things. I just didn't truly make her feel as special as I should have. I failed in many respects and so did she. 

I have an appointment with my counselor on Weds. after work and truly look forward to my visit with him. I have to get into my excercise routine again. My running club stopped last week for the end of the summer season and I have been feeling extra anxiety...and it just dawned on me why. I went for a long hike with my daughter and dog and feel pretty good. I need to focus on me. I just need to get the thoughts of her out of my head. 

To answer your points Chaparral, I did pimp her out in a way. I did it to satisfy my own perverted desires and in the process, screwed up a lot. I also think there is a lot more to this within her head though. Who in their right mind leaves behind her kids, beautiful home, husband, and a nice life to live with her girlfriend in an apartment? I know for sure it wasn't that bad here. We got along all in all. The OM definitely makes her feel special. He is very low key and is smooth. He promised me he's leave it alone way back when I begged him to. He is a very good liar and says the right things at the right time to her I'm sure. 

And sorry about the paragraphs. I fixed that. I really appreciate the input and can't believe I haven't done this sooner.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

While Synth is right that your wife betrayed your trust and disrespected you, you did exactly those things to her. How could she trust that she was special to you when you brought another man into your bed? You disrespected her and your marriage.

Your thinking that introducing this guy would excite her worked all too well. What control did you think you would have? 

Continue with the therapist and take care of your issues. 
Following Synth’s Commandants would also be a good move. Don’t worry about being able to love another woman. You aren’t ready.


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

I know guys/girls...I pimped her out. I'm an idiot in many respects. I honestly thought at the time that I could trust her and myself and that we would have been able to survive this type of thing after 23 years together in total. It's amazing to look back and truly realize how messed up I/we were. We were totally dysfunctional.

Seeing her last week riding in her b/f's pickup truck got me so anxiety ridden and upset/angry that I ended up finally up forcing myself to tell her to get her own cell phone plan and car insurance and enforce setting healthy boundaries for myself to really start moving forward. 

Oddly enough, I helped her move some of her bigger items from our house and into her storage unit 2 days ago, which she is sharing with one of her female friends. We actually talked quite a bit and got into the discussion of all that I had done wrong over the years to drive her away, including my childhood issues. It was a calm discussion where I took all the blame and apologized for what I had done to this marriage. I told her, without seeming pathetic I think, that I was really trying to get to the root of my issues and fix myself for whatever new partner I end up with in the long term. The few hours of moving her stuff actually was pleasant and we laughed about a bunch of different things together. It's just bizarre...we got along well...is she completely done with me? I jokingly called myself ugly during the move, even though I know I'm not, and she said that she doesn't find me unattractive but that so much has happened between us..like she was saying that she couldn't go backward. Part of me still holds on to the notion that she might want me back, as pathetic as that sounds...and is more the reason why I told her that I can't see her anymore or have her at my house. It's just to hard on me. She agreed with the things we discussed but thinks that I am trying to keep her away from our house because I am angry about her and the OM. She told me that I really need to get over my issues with him. I agree...I know that I do. At the end of her getting her stuff moved into my truck and out of our home, I took down our marital vase, which have our names and marriage date on it, which we had displayed for 21 years on our mantle, and asked her what she thought I should do with it. She was kind of indifferent about it...I asked if I should store it or throw it away. She jokingly said to smash it and I jokingly said in a flirtations voice..."well, in 5 years when you fall back in love with me we won't have the vase." She smiled and said, "ok then, store it if you want." I quickly corrected myself to seem less pathetic and said ...."well, I should have said what if we don't hate each other in 5 years?" She just shook her head and smiled. I keep looking for any signs of her being there. I get little morsels of hope but nothing to find re-assurance in. Is this common? I also made a big big mistake when she was here. She stood up on a chair while cleaning off a tall piece of her furniture and I pinched her butt as walked by and violated her boundary. She looked at me really surprised and I smiled. I apologized a few minutes later and she said that that was the type of boundary that I routinely violated when we were together...like I made her feel like she was my property. I totally apologized and realized how I screwed up. I also said that her butt looked absolutely amazing, which it totally did in the tights she had on. I question whether she really truly minded it though? She smiled when I first did it and shook her head and kept cleaning the top of this furniture piece. Again, I should not have done that. We are legally separated now and both seeing others. I felt bad afterward and realized that I should not have done that. 

Tho other things I am doing? I really REALLY took to heart the "Nice Guy Syndrome" reading. I am reading all of the sections above that Synthetic pointed out and am really taking it to heart. The traits of the "nice guy" are totally me and have really not been nice at all. I am re-discovering that I really messed my marriage up and my life. The kicker is that I am a really successful career person and I do well financially. I am the guy in the neighborhood that everyone looks up to and comes to for advice. But under the surface I always let fear rule my life and I wasn't a nice guy at all. All in all, I am a very genuine and caring person but a lot of what I did was solely for manipulation and control....I molded myself like a chameleon to fit whatever person I was around and to make people like me. I was a fake...a liar...a hack. I really am trying to make a 180 degree turn-around to make myself better. I just wish I could get over this agonizing pain. I actually pondered hypnosis in addition to my therapy, which I go to regularly. Anyone on here have experience with hypnosis? 

I really appreciate the advice from people on here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I can tell by your post you have not read MMSLP. This is the first thing you should have done. You are still apologizing over nothing and blaming yourself. All you display is weakness . Why would your wife be interested in a weak man when she can have one that takes/does what he wants?


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

I have not read MMSLP...apparently I will be very shortly. You're right...I have displayed weakness. I wanted to apologize the last time in the right way....I do owe her the apologies. I was an ass-hat for a while and owed her the apology. I assumed she'd always be there. Now I will move forward and heal myself and worry about me. I am taking all of the advice to heart and making changes. The first step was setting boundaries for myself.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Let Them Walk - Bishop T.D. Jakes - YouTube

this is all u need. this 3 minute video tells u nothing but the truth


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

ferndog said:


> Let Them Walk - Bishop T.D. Jakes - YouTube
> 
> this is all u need. this 3 minute video tells u nothing but the truth


Loved it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

It sounds like you have seriously over sexualized her. She's not a toy. No need to bring up the "pimping" her out since others hv but what about the butt pinch? It sounds innocent enough...if you weren't separated. I also find it odd that you question if she was really bothered by the pinch or not. If she says she is upset and even goes as far as telling you that you have a history of crossing boundaries then why even question her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lostinmyownworld said:


> ...
> Oddly enough, I helped her move some of her bigger items from our house and into her storage unit 2 days ago, which she is sharing with one of her female friends.
> 
> ....We actually talked quite a bit and got into the discussion of *all that I had done wrong over the years to drive her away*, including my childhood issues.
> ...


Stop helping her. No help moving, no paying for stuff, nothing. She left you for OM, let her go.

You took all the blame for everything that went wrong in the marriage. You said sorry. ...but you tried to not sound pathetic?? I'm not sure you could be more pathetic than that....

...but I guess you could when you're laughing at yourself and calling yourself ugly to her....and then agreeing with her that you need to get over the OM she left you for.

She wasn't joking when she told you to smash the vase, and her and the OM went home and laughed together about it. If she took it, they would have smashed it together, or he would have smashed right before they had sex. That's what they think of you and that's how much he cares about what used to be your marriage...still think she's right about you needing to get over your issues with him?

Both seeing other people? You are in no shape to be seeing anyone right now. Work on you, pull a real 180 and enforce no-contact.


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

Chaparral, I ordered the book this a.m....thank you very much, it looks really good.

ferndog, I loved the clip. thank you for the support. 

soulconnection, it was a dumb decision to even go near her. Among many other bad decisions that I have made over the last year, this was just the tip of the ice-berg. I should have not even touched her or given her any of my energy. Then again, here I am giving energy to something that I know is a moot point and trying to find myself. 

tulsy, I have stopped helping her. I haven't helped her since the day I helped her move out and I won't help her again. I won't help her anymore. My mind has been a roller coaster for months and I am finally getting a grip on my inner strength and seeing the situation for what it is. She is gone, emotionally and mentally. She is probably with him as we speak and I have to let that go. 

I truly appreciate the advice from you folks. I have been reading this site for months and wanted to post much earlier but finally broke down and did it. I knew the responses wouldn't be pretty but I need to get my head out of a$$.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

All I'm going to say is that a guy that has the nerve to ask what kind of woman leaves her beautiful house for an apartment when he pimps her out and insists she really enjoys things she's openly told him she didn't really doesn't get it. i know you've already been hammered for that but it's a nervy question given the circumstances. She is not your possession, she is your wife and a human being. Let her be and continue with your therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

I certainly never thought she was my possession. I get it you guys. I screwed up and now I am completely letting her be. I haven't communicated with her since she moved her stuff out last week. Well, the other component of the whole situation is that I truly believe there is some sort of mid-life crisis in this whole mix as well. Our daughter got on the school bus this morning here at home and her mom was nowhere to be found. When my son left for college last week, she left town with her boyfriend a day before and missed seeing him off. She was always here for her kids and now is absent to some degree. I know I am to blame for a lot but her being the way she is just completely makes me think there is more to the story. Your thoughts?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She also cheated on you before. You can take her off the pedestal now. In reality, her previous cheating and the three way, just indicate a bad match.

Good luck, you can do better.


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

She did cheat on me a few years back. I had no idea it was going on and I forgave her and tried to work it out. We should have gone to counseling then and we didn't. We decided to do things that were contrary to the general good health of our marriage and it broke down things even more. She is certainly not on a pedestal at all in my mind. Part of me wants to fix things for the sake of the love we've shared for nearly a quarter century....our children....lives together but I'm still so in shock over the loss of this woman that I have trouble keeping an objective mind. I guess this relationship is no longer viable...for her or for me.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

LIMOW, you have a lot of work to do with your therapist. You helped your W move things (ie- move out of the marital home). You allowed a discussion which outlined everything you have done wrong (her affair was wrong, her getting involved with OM was wrong....was this part of the discussion?). You took the blame for everything that went awry. Then she tells you that you need to ‘get over your issues with OM'. She is leaving you for him and you need to get over your issues with him! Really???

You alone are not responsible for the breakup of your marriage. You made mistakes, but so did she. Don’t let her pin it all on you. Work with your therapist to build up your self esteem. And, should she start blaming you again, “I’m not kay with where this conversation is going."


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

ferndog said:


> Let Them Walk - Bishop T.D. Jakes - YouTube
> 
> this is all u need. this 3 minute video tells u nothing but the truth


I am not a religious man, but one does not need to be to get the real meaning behind this. Very powerful and speaks nothing but truth in it's core message.


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

Frostflower, you are totally right about me taking blame for mostly everything. I think as a left-behind spouse, man or woman, goes through this they inevitably go through a roller coaster of emotions and will say or do mostly anything to get their walk-away spouse to return. I did make many bad moves but she also did some really dishonest things many times over to get what she wanted in her life. 

I am now reading the selections recommended to me earlier in this thread and they are really helping me out...beyond words. But I still wake up every day totally baffled at how my life is completely different within a year but resolved to push forward and get better. I really feel bad for my kids. Their mom is just gone and she doesn't seem to care that she left the home and my 16 year old daughter who is home here with me. She is scheduled to pick up my daughter and bring her to breakfast this morning but hasn't seen her since 3 days ago at my daughter's school sporting event. My ex used to be the best mom in the world. How does this happen? More specifically, I know this isn't all on me and the relationship...I believe there is something fundamentally awry in my ex's head. Is this also midlife crisis??


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

lostinmyownworld said:


> I certainly never thought she was my possession. I get it you guys. I screwed up and now I am completely letting her be. I haven't communicated with her since she moved her stuff out last week. Well, the other component of the whole situation is that I truly believe there is some sort of mid-life crisis in this whole mix as well. Our daughter got on the school bus this morning here at home and her mom was nowhere to be found. When my son left for college last week, she left town with her boyfriend a day before and missed seeing him off. She was always here for her kids and now is absent to some degree. I know I am to blame for a lot but her being the way she is just completely makes me think there is more to the story. Your thoughts?


Sit down and really think of where your faults were and try your best to change that. Become the best person you can be and do not focus on her faults. Or reasoning of why she left . Try not to figure out her mind process . Everyone is responsible for their actions. The only person you can figure out is yourself. It's ok to love her but you have to love yourself more. 

Let go of any anger you may posses . Once a walk away wife leaves she is gone almost always forever. 

No one knows what the future holds but as long as you become the best you, then the opportunities will be greater in number in a positive light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

ferndog, I am really trying to be the best person I can be. It is so tough to not focus on her faults as well. We were together for nearly a 1/4 century and it sucks to realize that my best friend is not coming back. I liken it to grieving a loss in life where someone you're close to passes away....the pain is so immense. I have all these memories in this house....the house we owned together. I realize it's over and I just hope the pain goes away and I can find the inner peace to move forward and be stronger.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Please take a suggestion. You are correct about the pain. Its as bad as losing a close family member. Veterans that have been here, say that its as bad as being in battle.

Find an IC that is qualified for treating PTSD. They can give you more help than anyone. They can also give you some temporary meds that can help. A GP can helptill you find a counselor.

Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, any MC you use should be experienced in infidelity.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

lostinmyownworld said:


> ferndog, I am really trying to be the best person I can be. It is so tough to not focus on her faults as well. We were together for nearly a 1/4 century and it sucks to realize that my best friend is not coming back. I liken it to grieving a loss in life where someone you're close to passes away....the pain is so immense. I have all these memories in this house....the house we owned together. I realize it's over and I just hope the pain goes away and I can find the inner peace to move forward and be stronger.


I understand completely I am 37 now and was with my ex from age 15 till 35. My whole life experiences include her but because I do love her aNd myself the only thing I can do is be the best me I can be. Actions speak louder than words. I blame myself for many things and am changing them. It's a long tough road. The sooner you get started the better u will be. You will start to appreciate yourself more and then u never know. She may come back one day or not but at least you will know you changed and have something beautiful to offer to the next person. 

You'll be ok. It takes time. The love doesn't go away but you learn to accept her decision to leave
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

ferndog, I never thought I'd get to know decent people in similar situations to mine. This site has allowed me to get some perspective on life and see what I need to change in myself. I appreciate the advice, especially since you are in a similar place. I am feeling better in life btw....although I still obsess over their relationship and her abandonment of me, my daughter, and my house. 

Interestingly, I heard a story about the OM from his ex-girlfriend who he dumped to be with my ex. She contacted me yesterday to let me know about an incident involving him at his ex-wife's house and that the police had to be called. He apparently showed up there at his former house intoxicated recently and demanding that he be allowed to take over the house(since he is still paying for everything during their separation). She obviously told him to get lost because he hasn't lived there in over a year, and she called the police during the argument, subsequent to him receiving a cut to his hand/arm on broken glass when he smashed a bottle out of anger in a recycling container outside. The police showed up after she called 911 and they made him leave the premises without any satisfaction.  I had to smile, and I know I shouldn't laugh lol, when I heard the story because he is obviously not the "perfect" guy that my ex seems to think he is, and well..he's the primary reason she left me. Believe it or not, I am NOT going to approach her with this information because I know she would just think I'm jaded and trying to convince her...and it's obviously not my place now. I am sure he spun it around on his ex as well when he told my ex(if he even told her), to totally blame his ex. Oh yeah, I also heard through the rumor mill that he also has another woman on the side that my ex doesn't know about. It is rumor at this point but that is his m.o. and it would totally fit his profile. 

Anyway, it was just an interesting day when I heard this information and it made me feel better to know the situation...and that it made me feel good to know his life isn't so stellar.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

lostinmyownworld said:


> ferndog, I never thought I'd get to know decent people in similar situations to mine. This site has allowed me to get some perspective on life and see what I need to change in myself. I appreciate the advice, especially since you are in a similar place. I am feeling better in life btw....although I still obsess over their relationship and her abandonment of me, my daughter, and my house.
> 
> Interestingly, I heard a story about the OM from his ex-girlfriend who he dumped to be with my ex. She contacted me yesterday to let me know about an incident involving him at his ex-wife's house and that the police had to be called. He apparently showed up there at his former house intoxicated recently and demanding that he be allowed to take over the house(since he is still paying for everything during their separation). She obviously told him to get lost because he hasn't lived there in over a year, and she called the police during the argument, subsequent to him receiving a cut to his hand/arm on broken glass when he smashed a bottle out of anger in a recycling container outside. The police showed up after she called 911 and they made him leave the premises without any satisfaction.  I had to smile, and I know I shouldn't laugh lol, when I heard the story because he is obviously not the "perfect" guy that my ex seems to think he is, and well..he's the primary reason she left me. Believe it or not, I am NOT going to approach her with this information because I know she would just think I'm jaded and trying to convince her...and it's obviously not my place now. I am sure he spun it around on his ex as well when he told my ex(if he even told her), to totally blame his ex. Oh yeah, I also heard through the rumor mill that he also has another woman on the side that my ex doesn't know about. It is rumor at this point but that is his m.o. and it would totally fit his profile.
> 
> Anyway, it was just an interesting day when I heard this information and it made me feel better to know the situation...and that it made me feel good to know his life isn't so stellar.


No one is perfect. And yes no ones life is stellar. I'm sure he has his faults and even his ex has faults the important thing is for you to work on yours (just like myself ) and I am 100% you and I will be better men for it and gain true happiness with time. 
I know it's hard but try not to think of her of the OM. It will only hurt you. The less you know, the better, try to detach. I have not heard or seen my ex ex in a year or know anything about what she is doing. Yes I love her but I know I deserve someone who will love me. I'm sure ill get that down the road once I have fixed my issues . I still have our pictures but I do not look at them. 20 years worth its a lot. Maybe one day I'll throw them away. I do not look at them but sometimes I wonder why I still keep them. Important thing is not to lose focus. You can do it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

I sincerely hope I will feel totally better at some point. It has been a long and hard road and I do feel a little better over time. I just hope to be able to put to bed all of these feelings of loss and anxiety over her leaving our family. Believe it or not, since I cut her off and stopped talking, it seems a little easier. Had I not been contacted by the OM's ex-girlfriend, I would not have seeked that information out about him. It literally landed on my lap as a pleasant surprise. 

It's funny you mention pictures. I have all of her photos in a pile in the basement and have been pondering what I should do with them. I will decide at some point to get rid of them but I'm not ready to yet.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

lostinmyownworld said:


> I sincerely hope I will feel totally better at some point. It has been a long and hard road and I do feel a little better over time. I just hope to be able to put to bed all of these feelings of loss and anxiety over her leaving our family. Believe it or not, since I cut her off and stopped talking, it seems a little easier. Had I not been contacted by the OM's ex-girlfriend, I would not have seeked that information out about him. It literally landed on my lap as a pleasant surprise.
> 
> It's funny you mention pictures. I have all of her photos in a pile in the basement and have been pondering what I should do with them. I will decide at some point to get rid of them but I'm not ready to yet.


I think it's the good memories that we remember and we think of them in that light still and we forget how they left in an ugly unexpected way. Yes no contact and you'll be able to feel better with time. I try not to think of my ex and when I do I tell myself "don't do this to yourself" and It usually works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

Good advice indeed...the memories you speak of are burned into my brain and I can't understand how she doesn't see a lot of those memories. Then again, at this point...none of that matters and I totally agree that I have to force myself not to think of her. Out of sight...out of mind.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I can tell by your post you have not read MMSLP. This is the first thing you should have done. *You are still apologizing over nothing and blaming yourself.* All you display is weakness . Why would your wife be interested in a weak man when she can have one that takes/does what he wants?


Agree that the OP is taking way too much of the blame for the marriage failing, but he can't give himself a free pass either. I realize that he was cheated on 3 years ago and that sucks royally. But the responses to this and his following actions significantly helped to destroy the marriage. He pushed this extra man into the bedroom. It wasn't the wife's idea and the OP insisted on it happening. Of course the WW could have said no or not acted on the feelings she developed during their threesomes. 

OP, I think the bottom line is that you need to get the help to resolve your past issues. I think a lot of what you are doing now - moving forward is going to help you when you do find someone else. And to strictly enforce your boundaries and make the separation real is only to help you cope and heal. This has nothing to do with trying to get your wife back. It's all about you letting your wife suffer the consequences of her actions and choices. No offense, but you are broken and I think you are on the right track to fixing yourself. 

I wasn't going to respond in this thread, but I don't think it's right to give people false impressions about where they went wrong vs. what they did right.


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

Thank you Plan 9. I appreciate the advice. I am definitely trying to move forward and going to therapy every week and trying to fix me. I have enforced boundaries and she became pissed because she felt as though she did nothing wrong by being here with our daughter. I had mixed feelings about telling her not to come back here but I feel as though it is the right thing to do to make it easier for me. She took pretty much the rest of her possessions and they are in storage now. Today I close on my mortgage to pay her off for her half of the house per the separation agreement. I feel anxiety in my heart about the whole thing and know that paying her off is going to cost me approximately $700/month for the next 120 months. I question whether I can actually afford it....she doesn't care whether I can or not.

I am actually proud of myself. I saw the scum OM yesterday while I was working and came out of a store and he had parked in the same shopping plaza that I was in he was outside his utility truck working. I drove past him and kept myself completely composed. My coworker, who knows what's going on, told me that I handled myself very well. She also jokingly said with a chuckle that I was much hotter, which made me smile a little. Not that my looks is what this is about at all but her telling me that made me feel somewhat human lol. She kept saying that he will have to deal with karma when it comes, whether it's now or later, and that he will suffer heartbreak. Hopefully my ex cheats on him or he cheats on her. Anyway, I was happy that I didn't lose it. My heartbeat was mostly normal...my response was good. I think that is part of the healing process. 

It was exactly a year ago that we met up with this guy and it really dawned on me that this whole situation is really my fault and caused by me. Not that she should have done what she did, but I placed the first email thinking, in my own fog, that she was into it. How could I have been so stupid and fool-hearty!? A year ago this week it all started....I'm still so saddened by her being gone. Unreal... 

I have considered hypnosis after getting the advice from someone to deal with the unwanted thoughts of her pretty face popping into my head all the time and the ensuing sadness I feel. Any thoughts you guys?


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## lostinmyownworld (Mar 26, 2013)

Update: I found out last month that she bought a house about 5 miles from my home and moved in with the other man. I am still in so much pain and just want to forget about her and move forward. I'm having a hard morning. I woke up at 3:30 from a dream about her. I can't keep doing this. I have been no contact since October and I thought it would be easier. With Christmas approaching, I just pray for my own peace and to not feel this way. How could she be so selfish to buy a house with him 10 months after leaving me and our daughter at our house? We're not even divorced.


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