# Advice Needed



## blueboy (Aug 22, 2013)

My marriage fell apart 10 months ago, I had been having an online emotional affair with someone I met through a gaming site.My wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way.For some years prior to that I had been posting sexual innuendos to women as well...this was also found out. Basically, since the date of being discovered about my infidelity I have tried to heal and patch things up....sometimes all I want to do is sweep it all away under the carpet! That hasn't worked, I've had an online council session,and 1 on 1 councilling, both those didn't help me.I need help on how to really save my marriage and heal my wife .We are limping along at the moment..some fairly good days but mainly bad! if anyone can help me I would be glad to hear from you.
Thanks.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

couple of questions if I may?

1) How old are you and your wife?

2) what were you looking for outside your marriage?

3) what was lacking inside your marriage?

4) when you first got busted for the innuendo why not put more effort into your own marriage to make a situation where you were happy or file for divorce and do the right thing?

5) Define bad days?

6) Where is your wife emotionally now?

I will give you no sympathy and from your post I can see that you are quite unhappy, feel lost and in need of direction, this is a mess you made for yourself but I am glad you came to ask for help.


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## blueboy (Aug 22, 2013)

Re Wranglerman,

Thanks for the post. I don't expect sympathy from anyone.That's not why I'm here. I'm totally guilty,and have broken my marriage vows.
I need help from anyone out there who is in the same situ as me,and has done what I did,and managed to work through it all and mend their spouses.
My wife is in bits emotionally,and questions every single thing I do.She thinks I'm still lying to her,but I'm not. Our bad days are constant arguments,and not even talking sometimes.It's all so very sad,I do love her so much,and am deeply sorry for what I've caused.....but it doesn't seem enough.As she says...it's only words not actions! It seems to be 1 step forward and 2 steps back all the time.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

If you are serious about giving her something back and trying to work your way through this, write out a timeline of your indiscretions and insist on taking a polygraph, yes this is a reverse of how it normally works here but your own account of your actions and discuss with her about you taking a poly to prove your truthful in your accounts.

I cannot stress transparency enough!!!

she needs everything FB, email, social networks, gaming lounges the whole shabang, and she needs those passwords right now like she needs air to breathe, once she can check on you and is comfortable with your words then she might start to listen to you, but empty words and no actions will be poor signage to her that you are sorry and that you do want to move forward.

How much time do the two of you spend together just talking and enjoying each others company? less than 15hrs/wk is not good, cut the gaming crap out and spend that time on her or doing stuff that makes her happy, show her you want her to be your world.

How deep in it were you? ie, how much gore and detail was she exposed to?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

blueboy said:


> My marriage fell apart 10 months ago, I had been having an online emotional affair with someone I met through a gaming site.My wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way.For some years prior to that I had been posting sexual innuendos to women as well...this was also found out.


You should be in regular therapy with a good therapist in order to explore and work on these problems. Have you quit the gaming sites, gone totally NC with your AP, given your wife all your passwords? Your wife needs to see you changing. So long as you're still the very same person who devastated and betrayed her, it's no good.



blueboy said:


> Basically, since the date of being discovered about my infidelity I have tried to heal and patch things up....sometimes all I want to do is sweep it all away under the carpet!


These two things are _completely_ at odds. If you really want to help your spouse heal, you need to address her concerns and give her what she asks for. You can't rush her out of her pain or band-aid this. No sweeping under the rug at all. That would be another betrayal on top of the EAs. I know you wish it hadn't happened, but it did, and you can't make it go away. So what have you been doing to help your wife?

She is going to keep questioning a lot of what you say and do. Keep answering, but don't expect that your words should mean something to her, not for a while. She feels like you're someone else, like she never knew you. Almost like a thief that broke into her life and stole everything good that she thought she had, even the person she loved. You're starting pretty much from scratch and your credibility is gone. Your word is dirt to her now, you know? You're going to have to show her that you can be someone worthy of her belief and some measure of trust. 

There are some great posts on TAM for understanding what a BS goes through and how the WS can help them work through it. I think understanding the magnitude of the destruction such betrayal wreaks on the BS is imperative. Reading and reflecting on those posts was one of the first things I did when I came to TAM. 

Something else to keep in mind is that your wife is still there, so maybe you should spend some time reflecting on what you value about your wife and your marriage and how grateful you are that she's still there for you to attempt to reconcile with. Have you told her that? Think of how you'd feel if she disappeared from your life forever. Think about what you are really willing and able to do to prevent that from happening. 

The Reconciliation thread is a great resource, too. When I would feel overwhelmed or hopeless, the people there would offer encouragement or reminders, or give me a different perspective on things. It was and is very helpful. 

I'm a former wayward (like you, I had EAs), and my partner and I have recently entered the reconciliation process. It was not easy getting there. Don't expect your wife to be okay, not for a long time. 



blueboy said:


> That hasn't worked, I've had an online council session,and 1 on 1 councilling, both those didn't help me.I need help on how to really save my marriage and heal my wife .We are limping along at the moment..some fairly good days but mainly bad! if anyone can help me I would be glad to hear from you.
> Thanks.


Again, I think you really need to get into regular IC and MC as well. Picking up the pieces after infidelity usually requires the assistance of at least one skilled professional. Certainly it will improve your chances of a successful reconciliation.


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## manfred (Aug 22, 2013)

What actions have you done to help heal your wife!!
words are not what is needed but ACTIONS. After 10 MONTHS I don't think you are really really interested in your marriage???? What have you TRIED to do to make it better?

Do you still find her attractive and sexy, if not perhaps you should end the marriage and let her find someone who does.

You need to find out WHY you did what you did - perhaps you wanted some excitement!! in that case perhaps you should try and bring some excitement back into the marriage.

10 months is a long time with no remorse other than words. Hope you are able to save your marriage - good luck:smthumbup:


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## tribesman (Aug 17, 2013)

Get divorced ASAP and start over fresh with someone new.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here is just a short version:

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do: 

He must be totally honest with you about everything 
He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. 
He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with. 
He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding. 
He must feel your pain. 
He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you. 
He must accept full responsibility for his actions. 
He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them. 
He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions. 
He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 
He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 
He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 
He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 
He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 
He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 
He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 
He must be willing to seek counseling. 
He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

tribesman said:


> Get divorced ASAP and start over fresh with someone new.


I think you may have missed the point here, I think he wants to stay with his wife?

Yes a good solution but why? What will alter his behavior so much with someone new? It could end up being worse next time!!

My best advice is to seek as much help as you can to grow as a person and to help you assist your wife in healing and learning to trust you again, there is little point divorcing without learning first what went wrong with this marriage in the first place that allowed you to use poor judgement in looking for fun outside the marriage, this stands more as a life long learning curve to show you the error of your ways and also to help your wife too.

I would recommend searching out books for you both to read together, I am sure someone can give a better list than me but the 5 love languages, love busters, surviving the affair and his needs her needs, are a couple but get them and read them together.

I want to know how serious you really are?


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## manfred (Aug 22, 2013)

How is sex with your wife, does it satisfy you and does she do all the things that you want!! Perhaps that is a reason you did what you did with your Internet Love. Perhaps you are finding it boring with her and need someone new, maybe younger? You do need to look at yourself and try and sort this problem otherwise you will find that you will be doing the same again and it is not fair on your wife, let her know how you feel,


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Get rid of your computer and phone. Go zero tech until your wife can rebuild some trust.

Did you tell other woman you loved her? 
Did you badmouth your wife to her? 
Were there any plans to leave your wife? 
What was your initial reaction upon being found out?
Any kids?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you put the shoe on the other foot and imagined your wife doing the same sh1t you did?

Maybe a new perspective is needed? Maybe you can think about your old lady rubbing one out on the computer with some jack off guy a thousand miles away or getting fingered under the lunch room table at work.

Just saying the crap you admitted to is only half of what your old ladies imagination is digging up.

You gave her line a bull sh1t back then and now you expect her to believe you now?

My point is until you can feel her pain and not yours then you just might have something to work with in saving your marriage.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

I feel empathy for your wife and the emotional roller coaster she is on right now. I notice in your post _* once my wife found out wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way *_ doesn't indicate that you feel you've done anything wrong, just that she found out and now you need to help her get over it. 

First: Do you understand that sending sexual inuendo's to other women is crossing lines? When you do this you are testing to see what the response will be and possibly hoping for an invite for more. It* is* a betrayal and humiliating to your wife for you to do this.
If you understand that then it should be very obvious to you that the emotional affair is the second offense, calculated and deceitful. The only way this is ok is if you and your wife have an agreement-in that both of you have agreed upon space that you are both permitted to act in those ways.

second:Have you been 100% honest with yourself and asked why you need this from other women? Have you asked why am I married? You cannot have both without destroying someone else, so for that reason you have to figure out what you really want. The sooner the better. Love is a verb, it's something you do and practice. Imagine devoting all the emotional energy and time you have been toward the other women, toward your wife instead. What outcome would that produce?


Last: Here is a very helpful link from a previous post at TAM for you to look at. Ideally you and your wife would read this together and read and or talk to someone professionally as much as you can together. Don't count the counselling as a failure, you may not have been able to hear what was offered at the time....you may get more from reading and try a new counsellor later. If you decide that you want your marriage... keep trying as many different sources of info as you can till you find the right fit. This is one way your wife see that you are committed to your marriage.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1312096-post194.html


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## manfred (Aug 22, 2013)

you have been given a lot of good advice, how are you doing - have you managed to start to heal your wife. We are here to help you not to judge. Would like to know how it is going


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Just out of curiosity, how did she find out? Did you confess to her, or did she start monitoring your activity? How she discovered your behavior will have an effect on the reconciliation progress.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

blueboy said:


> *. . . For some years prior to that I had been posting sexual innuendos to women as well...this was also found out**. . . sometimes all I want to do is sweep it all away under the carpet! That hasn't worked . . . . We are limping along at the moment..some fairly good days but mainly bad! . . .*


blueboy, your name wouldn't happen to be Anthony Weiner, would it?


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

blueboy, your name wouldn't happen to be Anthony Weiner, would it?

No he isn't - he is my husband. I have asked him to come onto this Forum for help - he wants help from someone that is in his position and what they have done to save their marriage.

He is looking for someone to wave a magic wand and make it all better!!!!!

He has read all of the posts ---------- and nothing seems to register, full of excuses. I think after 10 months it really is time to give up, with no actions of remorse in sight, I am now SURE that he is not worthy of me and I need to move on, so sad but that's life I suppose.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueboy said:


> My marriage fell apart 10 months ago, I had been having an online emotional affair with someone I met through a gaming site.My wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way.For some years prior to that I had been posting sexual innuendos to women as well...this was also found out. Basically, since the date of being discovered about my infidelity I have tried to heal and patch things up....sometimes all I want to do is sweep it all away under the carpet! That hasn't worked, I've had an online council session,and 1 on 1 councilling, both those didn't help me.I need help on how to really save my marriage and heal my wife .We are limping along at the moment..some fairly good days but mainly bad! if anyone can help me I would be glad to hear from you.
> Thanks.


You want to sweep it under the carpet?

You want to patch things up?

No. Both are seriously bad ideas.

Do not sweep it under the carpet.

You can't patch it up. You might be able to build a new marriage from the wreckage of your old one.

You want to heal your wife? To stop her knowing you have cheated on her for years? Have treated her with derision and contempt?

How on earth do you propose to do that?:scratchhead:

You need couple's counselling. Good luck. Because you'll need it.

Oh! Don't cheat on her again. OK?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

essexgirl said:


> blueboy, your name wouldn't happen to be Anthony Weiner, would it?
> 
> No he isn't - he is my husband. I have asked him to come onto this Forum for help - he wants help from someone that is in his position and what they have done to save their marriage.


If you want it fixed, then it is hopefully fixable with a lot of the heavy lifting -as they say!- done by him.

I wish both of you the very best for your futures.


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## blueboy (Aug 22, 2013)

ocean wind said:


> I feel empathy for your wife and the emotional roller coaster she is on right now. I notice in your post _* once my wife found out wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way *_ doesn't indicate that you feel you've done anything wrong, just that she found out and now you need to help her get over it.
> 
> First: Do you understand that sending sexual inuendo's to other women is crossing lines? When you do this you are testing to see what the response will be and possibly hoping for an invite for more. It* is* a betrayal and humiliating to your wife for you to do this.
> If you understand that then it should be very obvious to you that the emotional affair is the second offense, calculated and deceitful. The only way this is ok is if you and your wife have an agreement-in that both of you have agreed upon space that you are both permitted to act in those ways.
> ...


Thanks for your words. I'm trying to heal things,but don't seem to be doing it right,other posts to me suggest that too.Your link from another member seems really helpful and I've printed that to read over and over. I wish I had never done what I did,and caused so much pain.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

essexgirl said:


> blueboy, your name wouldn't happen to be Anthony Weiner, would it?
> 
> No he isn't - he is my husband. I have asked him to come onto this Forum for help - he wants help from someone that is in his position and what they have done to save their marriage.
> 
> ...


Dear essexgirl,

OK, sorry for the bad joke (but you have to admit, there are similarities between AW's and your WH's [blueboy's] behavior).

I've read your posts which say that the two of you have been in a sexless marriage for 9 years -- he being the one who is disinterested. I notice that your WH did not mention this in his original post and has only responded once in his own thread. Thus, there is huge disconnect between him claiming to want to fix his marriage and his actions (or, more properly, inactions).

I conclude from this either that (1) he is insincere, (2) he has serious psychological problems or (3) he is gay. Regarding the last possibility, I wonder about his choice of user names (_"blueboy"_ was a well-known gay porno magazine).

Honestly, I don't have any advice for him because I don't know enough about his problem. He claims to have had counseling: what was the result?

I do think I know enough about your situation to give you some advice: divorce your WH and find someone who can give you what you need.


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Carmen Ohio

No I don't think he is gay, pretty sure on that one.

He is not making the effort, so I am now thinking he really is not bothered about our relationship, he is happy to just be "room mates" and perhaps you are right and I should seek a divorce.
:bsflag:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

They say that Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

You've had 9 (!) years of a sexless marriage while your H apparently 'pleasures' himself and indulges in affairs on the internet. If you stick around here long enough, you'll understand why I say that the chances are good that you only know the tip of the iceberg. 

He wants to rugsweep and you see no real change in him, so it would be the same old, same old if you keep going this way. It wasn't working for you before; I doubt it will suddenly start working for you now that you have the wound of his A to add to the mix.

So sorry. This is hard, but I have to agree that you are better off cutting your losses.


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

alte dame

I don't think that there is anything else - apart from 9 years of a sexless marriage and what he says he has done on the internet (which is way bad enough). that I don't know about.

He says that it is all behind him and he will never do it again. He has stopped his game playing and does know he is guilty and has said several times how sorry he is.

9 years without sex and then doing what he did - I just CAN'T
get me head around. :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

essexgirl said:


> alte dame
> 
> I don't think that there is anything else - apart from 9 years of a sexless marriage and what he says he has done on the internet (which is way bad enough). that I don't know about.
> 
> ...


Dear essexgirl,

Neither can I. I sure wouldn't stay in such a marriage.

Your WH said in his original post, _"I've had an online council session,and 1 on 1 councilling, both those didn't help me." _What do you know about this? What was he told? Why was it not helpful? Is he still seeking help? Has he seen a doctor about his seemingly low libido?

There's something very wrong with a man who doesn't want to have sex with his W and instead seeks gratification on-line from strangers. He obviously needs help. If he's not getting it, there would seem to be no hope that he can become anything like the kind of man you want.

If I were you, I would do one of the following two things immediately:

1) Conclude that your marriage is hopeless, file for divorce and start to rebuild your life without your WH; or

2) Give him an ultimatum (and a deadline) to do the following:

a) reenter counseling with a practitioner who specializes in sexual disorders,

b) see a doctor about his low libido,

c) insist that he share with you the results of both interventions and

d) set a relatively short time limit (no more than a few months) for yourself by which you will decide if he has made sufficient progress for you to try to save your marriage or if divorce is the better option for you.

Nine years is a long time but you have many more years ahead of you. Don't waste them with a man like your WH. If he doesn't start to do what he needs to do, and make progress very soon, pull the plug and get on with your life.

You deserve this.

Note to blueboy: What are you willing to do to fix your marriage?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blueboy, why is/was your marriage sexless?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

His marriage isn't sexless. His wife is in a sexless marriage. She just hasn't figured out who or what he is getting off on.


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## manfred (Aug 22, 2013)

Essex girl - I feel your pain, being rejected for 9 years and then still be rejected must be so hard. Sorry but I really feel that your husband is not REALLY WANTING this relationship.

Blueboy - WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM - can you not let your wife know, she DOES need to know if you want a proper marriage or room mates !! I see you have not posted, so I presume you have decided that your marriage is not worth any effort.
SORRY FOR YOU, as it is often not as green on the otherside!!


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Manfred - Thanks for the kind words, yes it is painful. I really really did think my Husband wasn't like what he turned out to be, after 36 years together I thought I knew him (silly silly me)

I think you are right, all he wants from this relationship is "comfort in his old age with me" and to go outside for excitement and sexual needs. - perhaps it is only to be expected after being together so long - I know I am no "hot chick" anymore but I thought he DID LOVE ME - BIG MISTAKE.
I suppose there must be thousands of people in sexless, loveless marriages (relationships) at my age


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## girlbug (Aug 24, 2013)

I have been lurking for a while - but this post could almost have been written by me. I AM the WS and had loads of cyber sex/affairs on the internet also on gaming sites. I DID not do enough to heal my husband and we are now separated. So unless you do whatever it takes, you could end up in the same situation as me. Hope that doesn't happen.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Blueboy, I would start with realizing that you don't control the outcome. You can (and should) do everything to heal it, but for your wife this may be a deal breaker. That's her choice. Your efforts to save your marriage shouldn't be contingent on what she does or doesn't do -- work toward self improvement for yourself. So it's lasting, regardless of what happens to your marriage. 

I'd also get in some therapy and ask yourself why the escapism? Why did you retreat into games? Why the need for validation from other women, at the expense of your wife? Why'd you give yourself permission?

Next, I'd ask yourself how sorry you are and how committed you are to the long slog of fixing it. Here's an article on real remorse vs. the fake kind -- it's written for BSs, but it might help you too.
http://chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

R from an A takes time. A couple of IC sessions will tell you very little. It takes time. This does not happen fast. 

You need to find out why you are selfish and why you need validation from other women. That is something you are not going to do on your own.

You must own this problem 100% and not try to place blame on others Remember if you would not do or say something in front of your wife you are cheating and being dishonest.

Coming clean and staying on the straight an narrow is a hard thing to do. You are going to need help.

You need to through the games in the trash let your wife see your cell phone and read you emails and texts even the ones from the guy friends.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueboy said:


> My marriage fell apart 10 months ago, I had been having an online emotional affair with someone I met through a gaming site.My wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way.For some years prior to that I had been posting sexual innuendos to women as well...this was also found out. Basically, since the date of being discovered about my infidelity I have tried to heal and patch things up....sometimes all I want to do is sweep it all away under the carpet! That hasn't worked, I've had an online council session,and 1 on 1 councilling, both those didn't help me.I need help on how to really save my marriage and heal my wife .We are limping along at the moment..some fairly good days but mainly bad! if anyone can help me I would be glad to hear from you.
> Thanks.


Patch things up? Sweep it under the carpet?

first thing, man up. Accept 100% of the blame and before you try to heal your wife (why? There's nothing wrong with her, is there?) you need to heal yourself.

And one on line counselling session and one face-to-face counselling session did not help? *Of course they didn't!*

You need multiple sessions and perhaps couple's counselling, too, to help your wife get through your betrayal of her.

It will take time. Lots of time.


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