# Quality time - What does it look like?



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Quality Time
This term has recently reemerged to accompany husband hobby threads. I’m feeling a lot of anger associated with the posts demanding exacting reports on Quality Time. The accusation is that the man is obviously not providing enough Quality Time. The problem I suspect is that there is no clear definition of Quality Time. Some of the attempted definitions are. 
-	One-on-one maintaining the relationship.
-	Making her feel like a priority.
-	Dedicated time where it is just you and your wife doing something together,
-	Discussing your relationship,
-	Enjoying each other’s company.

My question to everyone, who is giving or receiving this Quality Time, is: What does this look like in clear terms that even a man can understand? 

Quite a bit of the time I spend with my wife involves shopping. I've recently seen that I should be physically abused for thinking that this is Quality Time. As far as relationship discussing, she tends to resist that. If it was simply time together where she feels happy it would be lying in bed with my butt touching her hip while she reads. I’m pretty sure that that isn't Quality Time.

OK, everyone jump in and give it your best shot. What is Quality time to you? And what makes it quality time instead of just time together?
MN


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To me, it's spending time together.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Highly individualzed is about the only answer. 5 long term realtionships in my life and every one of those women described quality time and their expecation of it differently. 2 were very similar and described quality time as time alone talking. One actually did want to talk, the other just wanted to talk / vent at me but both described it similarly


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Quality time is just spending a quiet day together, just talking about any events of interest. It could also include an intimate time together. For us, showers together, my husband drying and brushing my hair, and playing with our cat. Also, I trim his hair and beard. My husband calls this time as "My Peaceful Saturday".


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Lila thanks for the specific.
Jellybeans, sounds like your partner has it easy.
Wolf Thanks for the contrasting points of view. I agree it is going to be different with every couple.
Roselyn, thanks for so many examples these are helpful.

I think I'm starting to get a picture of how it looks. Keep them coming.
MN


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Joe Cool said:


> What can not be present or happen during quality time
> 
> 1. My kid who is a PITA
> 
> ...


Do you spend quality time with your daughter?


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

We like to find a new recipe. Shop for and make it together.
No computers or television, just some music in the background.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK, everyone jump in and give it your best shot. What is Quality time to you? And what makes it quality time instead of just time together?
> MN


Just time together = quality time to me. Memories are not scheduled the funniest, fondest memories I have of all the people in my life were made just being together not on a scheduled designated time frame. 

Quality time when I was in a relationship was anytime we were talking, connecting and especially laughing  I don't need a set time to do that hopefully it happens everyday or what's the point.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> Do you spend quality time with your daughter?


This is wrong on so many levels and makes my heart ache for your child.

Edit: I mean the quotes coffee had from Joe Cool.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Kids are grown so it's a lot easier for us now. We definitely had problems a few years ago. Lots of inequality of time and bitterness. You have to make a conscious effort to make it happen.

Top LL for H are -
1. Acts of service
2. Words of Affirmation 

Mine are -
1. Physical Touch
2. Quality time 

Things we do together as quality time:
- Go out to dinner, opportunity to talk and steal each other's food
- Go to the movies, secretly grope each other
- Go to watch sports live, curse together
- Watch movies at home on couch or in bed, stuff happens
- Watch sports at home on couch or in bed, stuff happens
- Cuddle & watch stupid and funny Youtube/FB videos for laughs
- I help him with his work some evenings (self-employed)

Just some examples. We each have 2-3 evenings each week where we have our own separate sports activities. But we've made it where it's usually on the same nights...so no one is home feeling left out. So on the rare occasion where one is home alone with no activity, naps ensue! We do not consider shopping, house chores or paying bills together as quality time. That stuff sucks whether alone or together.

You have to WANT to make it work and you BOTH have to make adjustments to make it work.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
to me, quality time is time spent together when you are both enjoying yourselves.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Quality time for me would be any of the following:

1. Feeding the kids early and then cooking a nice dinner together just the two of us.
2. Watching a movie cuddling on the couch.
3. Going for a long walk in the woods together with the dogs.
4. Giving each other massages.
5. Watching our favorite football team together and making football food to make it more fun.
6. Any time together alone when he will put down the blackberry and iphone.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

For me, quality time describes anything that two adults in a relationship do together, with or without healthy friends, that supports growth through activities or open and honest communications. These communications are not limited to verbal. The activities, including verbal communication, would bring on feelings and reactions that may include one or all of the following, happiness, trust, love, openness, honesty, realisation of self and SO, comfort, challenge, thought, closeness, sex and love-making, discussion of feelings and beliefs among the spouses, promote understanding and forgiveness and empathy for the SO's and others, increase solidarity among the couple and strengthen faith in each other's actions. 

I'm sure they vary with the individual and open and honest communication is the key to finding what activities will best fit the couple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quality time is when you spend time 

It's time a couple spends together, just that two of them, when they are concentrating on each other and doing things that they enjoy...

It can a as simple as going to a walk together, sitting together an talking. Or learning something together.. dance lessons, scuba lessons.... things that the could will share and take time practicing together. It can be joint hobbies. or it can be all out dates, like to dinner out. (I'm sure others could come up with many more examples of what they like.)

It's very individual.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Joe Cool said:


> I don't want to hijack Nails thread but yes.
> 
> Beyond that feel free to take this discussion into a new thread of parenting so Mr. Nail can get what he asked for.


I don't mean to hijack nails thread but your comments about your daughter overshadowed your comments about quality time with your wife. It was a bit jarring to read the negative comments. 

If you copy paste your posts here onto your thread "when your child says I hate you". You might get some different feedback. 

Sorry Nails for the thread jack.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Positive interactive time together would be my definition. That certainly includes sex, but more usually involves non-trivial conversations, planning sessions, joint projects, or recreational activities (dancing, hiking, boating, and even shopping at times). I would also include cuddling while watching a movie - even if there is not a great deal of interaction, you are enjoying something together.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK, everyone jump in and give it your best shot. What is Quality time to you? And what makes it quality time instead of just time together?
> MN


Quality time for us is one on one time without our son where we are each other's priority. We both need to be mentally present, not mindlessly watching tv or a movie, not reading separately, or doing our own thing. It's about really making the most of that time we have alone. Last night we put our son to bed and then baked cookies together, laughing as he spilled flour everywhere and I had dough all over me. We spend time together with our son, but we can't focus on each other then. I enjoy both, but we do need that quality time to keep our marriage healthy.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> My question to everyone, who is giving or receiving this Quality Time, is: What does this look like in clear terms that even a man can understand?
> 
> Quite a bit of the time I spend with my wife involves shopping. I've recently seen that I should be physically abused for thinking that this is Quality Time. As far as relationship discussing, she tends to resist that. If it was simply time together where she feels happy it would be lying in bed with my butt touching her hip while she reads. I’m pretty sure that that isn't Quality Time.
> 
> ...


Quality time is time spent that strengthens your relationship bond for both people in the relationship. What strengthens a relationship bond varies from couple to couple or friend to friend. The essence of the relationship bond is the positive feedback and reward circuit activation in your brain. It is the association of your spouse/friend/etc. with specific neurotransmitters released in your brain. These associations are neural connections that get activated and built when doing pleasurable things with someone or something. 

With respect to a spouse a whole set of neural connections were created during the dating/courtship process. The initial stages are infatuation which should eventually transition to long term love and attachment. These neural connections are not static and can decay over time if they are not reinforced. They can also be replaced by other connections with other individuals or activities over time. Thus there is a need to do things to maintain and create new neural connections with your spouse continually. And therefore there is a need for quality time devoted for this.

Since spousal relationships were built during the dating days it is often recommended to have “date nights” and do things that you did while you were dating to keep the love alive in a relationship. A date night would be quality time provided both enjoy it. But there are many other things that can be quality time as well. It all depends on what causes each spouse to bond and enjoy the other so that their companionship continues to be desired.

So Mr. Nail, if you shop with your wife and she enjoys doing it with you then it is quality time for her. And if you enjoy it too, it is also quality time for you. For some people shopping may be a chore and not very enjoyable. For those people it would not be quality time. I am not much of a shopper but I do like to go antique hunting and that is a form of shopping and it is quality time my wife and I share a few times a year. Likewise Mrs. meson and I read in bed similarly to you and your wife. It’s different in that I rub her foot with my foot and will caress her thigh with my hand but for us it is quality time. Sometimes we discuss the books we are reading or other things. It is something we look forward to wind down the night with. 

However if one of us weren’t into it then it would not be quality time. It is possible for one person to enjoy something and feel a bonding effect while the other only feeds resentment. That would not be quality time. The one that has resentment building is losing neural connections with their spouse which makes it more likely that they will form neural connections for other activities or people not their spouse. This is the physiological basis behind why some spouses leave relationships that look fine to their partner.

Some quality time things that we do:

•Breakfast on fine china on the weekend to plan the week’s events
•Eat dinner together as a family nearly every night.
•Spend about a half hour to an hour discussing the day’s events for each of us.
•Actively engage while watching TV. We theorize, explain and analyze shows or movies.
•Do outdoor activities that involve adventure and exploring.
•Date nights​


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Highly individualzed is about the only answer. 5 long term realtionships in my life and every one of those women described quality time and their expecation of it differently. 2 were very similar and described quality time as time alone talking. One actually did want to talk, the other just wanted to talk / vent at me but both described it similarly


This is because it IS different for everyone. What feeds our relationship soul varies from person to person.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> For me, quality time describes anything that two adults in a relationship do together, with or without healthy friends, that supports growth through activities or open and honest communications. These communications are not limited to verbal. The activities, including verbal communication, would bring on feelings and reactions that may include one or all of the following, happiness, trust, love, openness, honesty, realisation of self and SO, comfort, challenge, thought, closeness, sex and love-making, discussion of feelings and beliefs among the spouses, promote understanding and forgiveness and empathy for the SO's and others, increase solidarity among the couple and strengthen faith in each other's actions.
> 
> I'm sure they vary with the individual and open and honest communication is the key to finding what activities will best fit the couple.


:iagree:

Communication is the key to finding quality time. Without it you may not really be giving quality time to your spouse.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wow this has really exploded, I think that 2ntnuf, Married but happy and Meson have nailed down some very good points of a definition. I asked Mrs. Nail and she said anything that brings us closer. I was thinking more along the lines of anything we both enjoy together.

The other thing that is popping up often is that many of us have specific items that are excluded. Certain people, certain chores, or topics of discussion, Certain distractions cell phones tablets, games. I think that much of my understanding difficulty comes from trying to accept everyone's exclusions. Meson's warning that one couples exclusion (shopping for example) may be another couples quality time. And, in fact we do enjoy shopping together and I resent sharing that time with anyone else. 

As for Thread jacking, Thanks for the apologies, you are all forgiven because I'm a much worse thread jacker than you are.

I'm a bit jealous of those of you who cook together for quality time. That doesn't work for us. I get quality time with 2 of my kids that way.

MN


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Ele Girl,

I'm surprised to see that commitment is part of your need in 
quality time. I also like commitment. I wonder how common this is.
MN


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mr.Nail, I think you will find this differs from one person to the next as to what they consider quality time. I like to be able to have help with projects that need to be done rather than me doing the work and hubby sitting on the computer and while that does feel good to me it is also not going to get me in some special mood for sex. I think many feel that quality time is what you need to have those feelings of connection and maybe for some it is. I however, need an open honest emotional connection to the person I am with. That means talking, not just surface garbage, it means talking on an indepth level where I can appreciate his view point and he can appreciate mine. Someone who is willing to open up and talk about their thoughts on any subject. I also need that emotional support with family situations....kids, inlaws and such rather than feeling thrown under the bus because husband wants to please his sister or make his sons happy. A big issues too for me is trust, feeling like I can trust husband to be faithful and committed. Without these things a connection just doesn't work well.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

AVR,
To paraphrase, you need time (project time), and Quality Time (quality communication time), and a hand full of other things. I think that's pretty normal. What you are saying is important, we don't want to neglect any part of the relationship. But that point where communication becomes fully open and honest, that is a wonderful feeling.
NM


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Quality time to me is when my husband & I are together without any other distractions. We don't talk about kids, bills, work or anything that can put a damper on the moment. Most of our QT time is at night when our daughter is in bed. Those are the times when we do date night in & order carry out & watch a movie together.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

The one thing I've read that would be entirely not be my thing is where people say, 

Quality time is time where we have no distractions and we don't talk about anything else but our relationship. And adding that supposedly couples need 15 hours a week of quality time. 15 hours a week talking about the relationship?!! 

I'm just not wired to talk that much.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> The one thing I've read that would be entirely not be my thing is where people say,
> 
> Quality time is time where we have no distractions and we don't talk about anything else but our relationship. And adding that supposedly couples need 15 hours a week of quality time. 1*5 hours a week talking about the relationship?*!!
> 
> I'm just not wired to talk that much.


I see it as 15 hours of LIVING the relationship.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Here are some concrete examples of what I consider quality time with my SO :

- Driving in the car together, going anywhere. We always hold hands and talk about all manner of topics. 

- Cooking /having dinner together at the table. 

- Pillow talk. 

- Curled up watching a movie/TV program together. 

- Doing my best to accompany him in support of a hobby or other activity (this has been mutual, although my job can make it a challenge and I'm working on improving here). I think it's important to give moral support even if he doesn't ask!

- Sex (that's a given, but it's simply the most important and significant bonding ritual we share). 

Truthfully, we simply spend as much time as possible together. Nothing is too important to avoid being with him when at all possible. I have my own down/alone time (which is important and healthy) and I'm very independent, but I require much less "me" time than I did post divorce.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you everyone for participating on this thread. I hope I'm not the only one who learned a lot here.
MN


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Ele Girl,
> 
> I'm surprised to see that commitment is part of your need in
> quality time. I also like commitment. I wonder how common this is.
> MN


I did not say "commitment" on this thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> The one thing I've read that would be entirely not be my thing is where people say,
> 
> Quality time is time where we have no distractions and we don't talk about anything else but our relationship. And adding that supposedly couples need 15 hours a week of quality time. 15 hours a week talking about the relationship?!!
> 
> I'm just not wired to talk that much.


I have never heard it said that quality time is 15 hours of talking about nothing but the relationship. That would just be weird.

The 15 hours comes from Marriage Builders.

"*The Policy of Undivided Attention:*

Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using the time to meet the emotional needs of
affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship."

Here is what MB says about it. The book "His Needs/Her Needs" goes more into depth.

The Policy of Unidivided Attention


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

To me, quality time is time just for me and hubby. No other distractions. We are both present physically and mentally. It can be anything from going out to dinner, cuddling up together and watching a movie, spending the afternoon in bed or just hanging out together having fun 

I love hubby's company, I love being with him, he is my best friend.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

That talking about the relationship was from a post here somewhere. I put that with the 15 hours as that is what people here like to reference. 

I'd never heard of the 15 hours before I got to TAM and I know many many people in long term marriages and that's not something they even think about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> That talking about the relationship was from a post here somewhere. I put that with the 15 hours as that is what people here like to reference.
> 
> I'd never heard of the 15 hours before I got to TAM and I know many many people in long term marriages and that's not something they even think about.


I would bet that most people in good long term marriages just happen spend a lot of time together. I'm sure the amount of time is different week to week, month to month. But it's not zero or almost nothing.

The feeling of love and the bond that a couple has is the result of hormones like oxytocin. These hormones are created during non-sexual and during sexual intimacy.

The 15 hours is what some have found that helps their marriage counseling clients maintain their bond/love. I've read that if a couple has fallen out of love, they will need more time for a while to rebuild the bond/love.

I've read that women whose oxytocin levels are very low become LD, do not want to be touched by their husbands, and they have low empathy towards their husbands.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nail,

Your biggest issues are:
- lack of trust in your own judgement
- lack of common sense


Quality time is: focused time that shows your spouse:
- That you like them
- That they are important to you

But while you have separated your threads - your issues are entwined. 

You talk about chasing the carrot of sex only to have it yanked. 

That's 100% on you. It's weak. It reinforces your wifes belief that you are mostly focused on 'getting sex' from her. 

All your posts scream victim. I gaurantee you that your wife is turned off by that. 









Mr. Nail said:


> Quality Time
> This term has recently reemerged to accompany husband hobby threads. I’m feeling a lot of anger associated with the posts demanding exacting reports on Quality Time. The accusation is that the man is obviously not providing enough Quality Time. The problem I suspect is that there is no clear definition of Quality Time. Some of the attempted definitions are.
> -	One-on-one maintaining the relationship.
> -	Making her feel like a priority.
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Based on my experience of watching many of my close married friends in successful marriages, I am convinced quality time is the #1 reason for success.

Whenever I think of them, I can only think of them as a "pair".
At the pub? Yep, both there.
At a concert? Yep, both there
At kids games? Yep, both there
At neighborhood BBQ? Yep, both there
Go to movies? Together

Whenever you think of them, it's rare to think of them apart.

When I look back at my failed marriage this is where the cracks formed. I am very active and she was not. She hated my hobbies. We formed parallel lives. And now divored as soon as daughter left for college.....

My fiancé is way different. We do a ton together and the relationship blossomed.

Diving.
Tango lessons.
Gym.
Movies.
Pub.
Shopping
Even a lot of chores we do together.

Quality time to me, is time together but most importantly when it's voluntary. Chores, grocery shopping together, etc count but I think Tier 1 quality time is doing hobbies and activities together.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Based on my experience of watching many of my close married friends in successful marriages, I am convinced quality time is the #1 reason for success.
> 
> Whenever I think of them, I can only think of them as a "pair".
> At the pub? Yep, both there.
> ...


For me quality time is spending time together doing anything (gardening, shopping, getting a coffee, dinner, movies, theatre, browsing the book store, massage, watching TV together at home, laying in bed talking, going for a drive - without distractions of mobile phones, work issues etc). Shopping could be quality time, if you are talking, sharing, stopping off for a coffee, etc. The key issue is whether you are both 'present' when you spend time together. My husband frustrates me when we go for dinner, his mobile is there and he is constantly taking calls or messages from staff. it makes me feel like a third wheel. We used to go regularly for dinners on a fixed night per week and I stopped that telling him I was no longer going for dinner with all his staff. He didn't get it! Quality time is also not talking about all your work problems or all about yourself, it is a time to engage and see how each other really are.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Quality time for me is sitting in my dining room at my dining room table, in my rocking chair, closing my eyes and listening to the sound of my SO's voice, thinking to myself how blessed I am she has chosen to share her life with me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Nail,
> 
> Your biggest issues are:
> - lack of trust in your own judgement
> ...


Replying to this in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/244626-your-consideration.html


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

To me pretty much all time together is of great quality even the times some people might find boring.
We spend as a rough guess 50 hours a week together and IMHO it is all quality. Even if we are doing things like gardening or other house jobs, we do them together, chat and always stop for a kiss and cuddle.

We have 5 kids between us, all in their teens, all in shared care lifestyles with their other parent. We have a lot of time alone when the kids are not here or even when they are here they are off doing their own thing. We we all sit down together for dinner I still see that as quality time as it is us building and blending our family, lots of laughter and chatting.

Life is quality time to me, I am blessed and thankful to be so love and so happy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Holland said:* *To me pretty much all time together is of great quality even the times some people might find boring.
> We spend as a rough guess 50 hours a week together and IMHO it is all quality. Even if we are doing things like gardening or other house jobs, we do them together, chat and always stop for a kiss and cuddle.*


 Sounds so much like us Holland.... I've never counted the hours in the week for this.. but it's high...

Husband comes home... sees I am upstairs on the computer in our room.. what does he do... makes himself a plate of food and brings it up here so we can be next to each other on our laptops (this just happened)... even if he's working outside on something .. he likes when I come out -just to keep him company...

We are both high in TIME on love language tests.... so this makes sense.. all of our TV watching is together also.... it's never too much..

He's really the only person in this world that doesn't get on my nerves if I spend 24 hrs a day with .. sure we fight now & then but considering the time we spend together... I think most might go nuts.. but we like it.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Roselyn said:


> Quality time is just spending a quiet day together, just talking about any events of interest. It could also include an intimate time together. For us, showers together, my husband drying and brushing my hair, and playing with our cat. Also, I trim his hair and beard. My husband calls this time as "My Peaceful Saturday".


This post absolutely shows how different "quality time" is to each person. I wouldn't want my h brushing or drying my hair. Showering together isn't quality time - it's naughty time!

Still, it's more the how than the what. If we go on a hike and say nothing to each other and don't interact, that's not quality time. It's quality time when he's making me laugh, or think, or feel special. Doesn't have to be expensive or exciting. Just needs to feel good and connected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> ...and playing with our cat.


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