# Think I screwed up...



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Okay, here goes. As you know, I've gotten on Match.com, and have met some great guys off of there. I've been seeing 2 men, who we'll call James and Jerry. James, I've been seeing for about a month and a half, and really like him. He has also been testing the waters, but recently let the other girl know that he's no longer interested in her. So, it was just me he was seeing. I saw Jerry for the 3rd time on Sunday, and James likes to question me about things like this. I guess he's just naturally curious. That evening, I got a text from James stating that "obviously we aren't passed the sussing out stages yet and we're still searching for something, and wished me good luck on my search. I had Jerry over (who I haven't done anything with except hang out; James I have slept with numerous times). I wasn't able to spend a lot of time on text, but sent him a quick one back, and then went to his house that evening to talk. I felt awful and wanted to make things right, which I thought we did. I got a text message from James today stating that "I cannot in good conscience see you tonight. I tried to end things Sunday, but it didn't take. I walked back on my decision when you can over I guess I was a little overcome by your gesture and it made me falter. I'm not entirely sure this is the right decision but I'm going to stick with it because if I don't, I might hurt you further, and I like you too much to do that."

I'm freaking out. Did I sabotage this? I've texted him back with no reply, and he has since blocked me on Facebook. I'm just sad; I know there are other fish in the sea, but I really cared about this guy, and was 100% willing to say sayanora to the other guy (Jerry). I even closed down my Match account. Can someone help me reason through this please?


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

I don’t think you screwed up. It honestly just sounds like he wanted to break it off and this is a convenient excuse. He wasn’t man enough to do it in person which is why you “made up” when you went to see him. Now he’s trying to break off any more contact.

I’m sorry.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ursula. Ursula. Ursula. 

Come on now. It's not that hard to understand, is it?

You had sex quickly. You had no commitment, correct? You were both seeing other people, yes?

So, he had sex with you until he didn't want to have sex with you anymore - and now he's moved on. 

Stop it. 

Seriously. 

Better for them to leave fast without sex, than for you to wonder what you did wrong.

Test your compatibility with your mind and heart first.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Ursula. Ursula. Ursula.
> 
> Come on now. It's not that hard to understand, is it?
> 
> ...


We did that, and were a great match. Okay, you can't get to know someone 100% in a month and a half, but I knew enough to know that I wanted to continue seeing him, exclusively at this point. He made a big to-do about doing something on Valentine's Day last week, and was aghast when I said that I didn't really recognize the day, but we made some nice plans, and now this, on this day of all days.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ursula said:


> He has also been testing the waters, but recently let the other girl know that he's no longer interested in her. So, it was just me he was seeing. I saw Jerry for the 3rd time on Sunday, and James likes to question me about things like this.


I'm puzzled about the timeline here. Did you see Jerry for the third date, *after *James had told you that he'd dropped his other prospect? If so, perhaps he was expecting to hear that you'd reciprocated by dropping *your *other prospect. 



> I guess he's just naturally curious.


You're kidding, right? People don't ask things just because they are "naturally curious". James is trying to read your intentions, and thinks you sent him a clear signal that you were not reciprocating his small step of commitment. 

Mind you, I don't really understand the American system of dating multiple people and how that works, so I may be completely misunderstanding.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Okay, here goes. As you know, I've gotten on Match.com, and have met some great guys off of there. I've been seeing 2 men, who we'll call James and Jerry. James, I've been seeing for about a month and a half, and really like him. He has also been testing the waters, but recently let the other girl know that he's no longer interested in her. So, it was just me he was seeing. I saw Jerry for the 3rd time on Sunday, and James likes to question me about things like this. I guess he's just naturally curious. That evening, I got a text from James stating that "obviously we aren't passed the sussing out stages yet and we're still searching for something, and wished me good luck on my search. I had Jerry over (who I haven't done anything with except hang out; James I have slept with numerous times). I wasn't able to spend a lot of time on text, but sent him a quick one back, and then went to his house that evening to talk. I felt awful and wanted to make things right, which I thought we did. I got a text message from James today stating that "I cannot in good conscience see you tonight. I tried to end things Sunday, but it didn't take. I walked back on my decision when you can over I guess I was a little overcome by your gesture and it made me falter. I'm not entirely sure this is the right decision but I'm going to stick with it because if I don't, I might hurt you further, and I like you too much to do that."
> 
> I'm freaking out. Did I sabotage this? I've texted him back with no reply, and he has since blocked me on Facebook. I'm just sad; I know there are other fish in the sea, but I really cared about this guy, and was 100% willing to say sayanora to the other guy (Jerry). I even closed down my Match account. Can someone help me reason through this please?


When I was single, I feared interacting sexually with a woman since it made me feel too emotionally dependent on her. I don't know James so I can only speculate based on my experience. Might the sex have made him feel that he was starting to become emotionally dependent on you and that spooked him? I can only speculate. If it's that, then you might be able to fix it by just cutting the sex out of the relationship; though granted that can be difficult once it's started. Maybe the problem is something else. But until you figure it out, you'll need to consider all of the possibilities.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> I'm puzzled about the timeline here. Did you see Jerry for the third date, *after *James had told you that he'd dropped his other prospect?


This is, at least, my understanding of the matter based on how she wrote it.



> If so, perhaps he was expecting to hear that you'd reciprocated by dropping *your *other prospect.
> 
> You're kidding, right? People don't ask things just because they are "naturally curious". James is trying to read your intentions, and thinks you sent him a clear signal that you were not reciprocating his small step of commitment.


My take as well.

Oh well. **** happens. Live and learn to do better next time. There are billions of dudes out there.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> We did that, and were a great match. Okay, you can't get to know someone 100% in a month and a half, but I knew enough to know that I wanted to continue seeing him, exclusively at this point. He made a big to-do about doing something on Valentine's Day last week, and was aghast when I said that I didn't really recognize the day, but we made some nice plans, and now this, on this day of all days.


A month and a half is nothing.

I can't tell you how many men have told me they were falling in love, that I could trust them, that they weren't going anywhere. (Insert the most exaggerated eye roll ever.) And then a week later we were no longer speaking.

Take your time. And put yourself first in the early days, weeks, and months of meeting someone.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My opinion as a man - I don't share women.

For me, once we are having sex it is an exclusive relationship. Or potentially, but hasn't happened (and not a goal of mine), we are just FWB. If we're FWB it isn't a romance at all. Maybe we do some stuff together like go to a movie, but FWB is not a romance.

Now I understand for many people a relationship isn't exclusive until the official talk has been had. He knew you were also dating Jerry, so you weren't cheating in any way.

Even if we hadn't had an official discussion about being exclusive, if I were dating a woman and having sex with her yet she was dating another man also, it would tell me she had a different value system. She sees sex as a lot more casual than I do, and/or she sees our relationship as casual.

His first message about still sussing things out indicates to me he was feeling a lot more serious about the relationship than you appeared to be.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like he was ready to be exclusive but you weren’t; he picked up on that and decided to end it.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I'd assume he got burned by someone who was paying the field previously, and didn't want his inner jealous a-hole to be on public display for you, so he shut it down and ran away.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> We did that, and were a great match. Okay, you can't get to know someone 100% in a month and a half, but I knew enough to know that I wanted to continue seeing him, exclusively at this point. He made a big to-do about doing something on Valentine's Day last week, and was aghast when I said that I didn't really recognize the day, but we made some nice plans, and now this, on this day of all days.


He was telling you he wanted to move on to the next level and you didn’t jump at the opportunity.That’s up to you of course,but if you want to multidate then expect some guys to move on.
Without being crude I always made it clear to my dates that I don’t share my girlfriends ***** so we are either dating exclusively or we’re ****buddies but not both.I know after getting out of an unhappy relationship you don’t want to let any guy “control”you but to be honest if you really felt as good about him as you say,you wouldn’t have been meeting the other guy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He stopped seeing other women but you didn't stop seeing other men and he wasn't okay with that. Maybe he'll change his mind and maybe he won't but for now he's blocked you so time to move on. 

Did you sabotage it? Possibly -- depending on what the understanding (if any) was between the two of you about dating others. Maybe you didn't have that conversation at all and he just assumed since he decided to stop seeing other women that you would stop seeing other men. Next time spell it out and hopefully that will take care of potential problems.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ursula said:


> We did that, and were a great match. Okay, you can't get to know someone 100% in a month and a half, but I knew enough to know that I wanted to continue seeing him, exclusively at this point. He made a big to-do about doing something on Valentine's Day last week, and was aghast when I said that I didn't really recognize the day, but we made some nice plans, and now this, on this day of all days.


Maybe he just wasn't as into you as you were into him. Happens.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Okay, here goes. As you know, I've gotten on Match.com, and have met some great guys off of there. I've been seeing 2 men, who we'll call James and Jerry. James, I've been seeing for about a month and a half, and really like him. He has also been testing the waters, but recently let the other girl know that he's no longer interested in her. So, it was just me he was seeing. I saw Jerry for the 3rd time on Sunday, and James likes to question me about things like this. I guess he's just naturally curious. That evening, I got a text from James stating that "obviously we aren't passed the sussing out stages yet and we're still searching for something, and wished me good luck on my search. I had Jerry over (who I haven't done anything with except hang out; James I have slept with numerous times). I wasn't able to spend a lot of time on text, but sent him a quick one back, and then went to his house that evening to talk. I felt awful and wanted to make things right, which I thought we did. I got a text message from James today stating that "I cannot in good conscience see you tonight. I tried to end things Sunday, but it didn't take. I walked back on my decision when you can over I guess I was a little overcome by your gesture and it made me falter. I'm not entirely sure this is the right decision but I'm going to stick with it because if I don't, I might hurt you further, and I like you too much to do that."
> 
> I'm freaking out. Did I sabotage this? I've texted him back with no reply, and he has since blocked me on Facebook. I'm just sad; I know there are other fish in the sea, but I really cared about this guy, and was 100% willing to say sayanora to the other guy (Jerry). I even closed down my Match account. Can someone help me reason through this please?


I also question the need to interact with someone sexually so soon into a relationship. Do you do so compulsively? Do you feel a need to interact sexually with someone? Could you interact with someone over the long term without sex?

You don't need to answer, but I ask these as just things for you to think about. Depending on your answers, you might want to do some soul searching to better understand your behaviour and how it can affect you emotionally and otherwise. Take care.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My opinion also is as soon as I have sex with a woman it is exclusive.

Yes, I have led a wild life, and long after I was married we played around.

But when I was dating it was one at a time. Period. The end.

As soon as I heard you were dating someone else, I would have been out of there.

And to top it off I believe that was always a covert contract, understood and never spoken. As far as I knew every girl I knew felt the same way, and my wife says every girl she knew felt the same way for sure. But Mary could be exaggerating. She does that a lot.

The only possible exception to that is if you make a verbal contract, not a covert contract, to be a Friends With Benefits.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

If you find that you do act compulsively, that you feel as if you need to interact with someone sexually or that abstinence actually affects you negatively emotionally over time, you may want to seek help for that. Sex is pleasurable, but to engage in it compulsively can indicate that something else is going on for which you need help.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> I'm puzzled about the timeline here. Did you see Jerry for the third date, *after *James had told you that he'd dropped his other prospect? If so, perhaps he was expecting to hear that you'd reciprocated by dropping *your *other prospect.
> 
> You're kidding, right? People don't ask things just because they are "naturally curious". James is trying to read your intentions, and thinks you sent him a clear signal that you were not reciprocating his small step of commitment.
> 
> Mind you, I don't really understand the American system of dating multiple people and how that works, so I may be completely misunderstanding.


I have not been dating for over 44 years. But back in my day, youngin', there was no such thing as dating more than one person at a time once sex was involved. And I am pure US of A.

My wife says our children and nieces and nephews don't date more than one person at a time, even when there is no sex involved, and she keeps up on that gossip pretty well. She's never heard of it other than on a TV show.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> That evening, I got a text from James stating that "obviously we aren't passed the sussing out stages yet and *we're still searching* for something, and wished me good luck on my search. I had Jerry over (who I haven't done anything with except hang out; James I have slept with numerous times).
> 
> I really cared about this guy, and was 100% willing to say sayanora to the other guy (Jerry). I even closed down my Match account. Can someone help me reason through this please?


The bolded words above says it all to me.

He knows you are still dating. He knows this after he has laid down with you on numerous occasions. He had his manhood inside of you 'and'....

'And' you are still dating Jerry, are still on the market. That hurts....and he could be hurt if he really fell for you.
You know you did not sleep with Jerry or any other man. But, he does not know that 'for sure'.
His pride is hurt.

Plus, he said 'WE'. 
'We' are still searching. He knows you are. He thinks you are still searching and still hungry for more loving experiences. Now, he is doing the same.

Was he always still searching? Was he looking for other women to bed while dating you?
I do not know, do you? 

Keep everything to yourself. If you find a decent guy, and both of you hit it off, tell him that you are no longer dating. And do not date.

Some men are in it just for sex, and so are some women. Nothing wrong with this if everyone were honest. 

Play a better hand of cards. Dating is a gamble. You know what cards you have in your hand. You do not know what the other person has in his.

Hell, you can lose a card game, a dating game by bluffing, by not calling, by many things. Honesty works the best, but sometimes you must keep your cards to your chest.
And do not sleep with a man right away. If he is interested in you and not your body he will wait. He still may play you, he may have two or three women going and can afford to be patient with one or two.

If a man gets you in bed and then leaves, hopefully, you too, had a good time. If so, not all is lost. Part of the fun is the back and forth. Ahem!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> He was telling you he wanted to move on to the next level and you didn’t jump at the opportunity.That’s up to you of course,but if you want to multidate then expect some guys to move on.


Well, I'm just calling a spade a spade here, but if he wanted to be exclusive, he should have manned the hell up and talked to her about it. Instead, he played a silly passive/aggressive game telling her he was no longer seeing the other gal he'd been dating and I guess Ursula was supposed to be a mind reader and know what he was thinking.

And how he's having himself a little hissy fit because he expected her to know exactly what was on his mind. 

Honestly? I think you dodged a bullet with this one.

I remember 7 or 8 years ago when I was single and had been dating a very handsome guy for about 6 or7 weeks (and yes, I was multi-dating as well) and he called me at work one day out of the blue and said something along the lines of, "I don't think we can see each other anymore and I'm probably going to move on..." While I was a bit surprised as this was coming out of left field, one of my first rules in life is to never go where I'm not welcome. So trying my best to be gracious and maintain my dignity, I told him I understood and I'd enjoyed the time we'd had together, and I wished him much luck.

Jeez, he freakin' exploded on me telling me I'd given the WRONG answer, that this was a 'test' and I'd failed it miserably!

After his little hissy fit, we didn't see each other anymore because I failed the test. If I'd only passed my mind-reading course *before *he called me, I would have been golden. 

My point? You did NOTHING wrong and you're not a damned mind-reader.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

It seems obvious to me, as it does to others...James was ready to be exclusive with you, but you did not reciprocate. I'm certain he felt a bit vulnerable after your disclosure about still seeing Jerry, and made his decision to break up based on that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> My wife says our children and nieces and nephews don't date more than one person at a time, even when there is no sex involved, and she keeps up on that gossip pretty well. She's never heard of it other than on a TV show.


You folks must live in the small Midwestern town of Bomont where people weren't allowed to dance until Kevin Bacon changed it all in Footloose. LOL.

I know tons of people who multi-date when they're not in an exclusive relationship, and I was one of them. >


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula, no you did not screw up. You had an experience and now you get to learn from that experience. What happened was not a screw up, it was a lesson. Just remember, there is a whole world out there for you. If you have been honest than just chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.
PS I am not going to shame you as some here have done. You are a grown up entitled to enjoy your life and your body however you see fit. FTR if you hadn't been having sex with a guy after 6 weeks I would be questioning why you are bothering to waste your own time, as well as his.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You folks must live in the small Midwestern town of Bomont where people weren't allowed to dance until Kevin Bacon changed it all in Footloose. LOL.
> 
> I know tons of people who multi-date when they're not in an exclusive relationship, and I was one of them. >


Yea, I don't understand that close ended thinking. You become exclusive when both of you decide that you aren't interested in other, not because you have an interest in one particular person. That in my mind is why people allow themselves to get trapped in bad relationships.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You folks must live in the small Midwestern town of Bomont where people weren't allowed to dance until Kevin Bacon changed it all in Footloose. LOL.
> 
> I know tons of people who multi-date when they're not in an exclusive relationship, and I was one of them. >


As I wrote that I was thinking whether I should add anything about locales.

You can see I am in the Hudson Valley of New York State. I come from San Jose, California. 

The relatives whose dating patterns my wife is aware of are here and in Idaho (which is rural!). She mentioned also a recent widower who also only dated serially, but he is old.

She knows her two sisters only dated serially after their divorces, but that was long ago in another lifetime. More than one generation ago. However, those were both in San Jose, California.

We discussed the covert contract thing in regards to having sex, for this thread, and she says every woman knows once you let a guy into your jewel box he better know it is exclusive without needing to be told or he needs to have his family jewels chopped off. 

So in fairness I think it might apply the other way around, too? Mary laughed and says no, not at all.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Ursula, no you did not screw up. You had an experience and now you get to learn from that experience. What happened was not a screw up, it was a lesson. Just remember, there is a whole world out there for you. If you have been honest than just chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.
> 
> PS I am not going to shame you as some here have done. You are a grown up entitled to enjoy your life and your body however you see fit. FTR if you hadn't been having sex with a guy after 6 weeks I would be questioning why you are bothering to waste your own time, as well as his.




I was waiting for one of the “sex by the third date” guys to show up. lol 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I can't see how serial versus parallel dating can make a difference to whether or not a person gets trapped in a bad relationship. 

It doesn't require x number of days to get to know someone, it takes time spent together. You can spread your time over multiple people, and take a lot longer to get to know any one of them, or concentrate on one and get to know her in a lot fewer days. Instead of spending just one Saturday a month with Mary I spent every available day with her. 

Unless she's a pathological liar, of course. Then it didn't matter how many days I spent getting to know her anyway. More wouldn't have made any difference, and spreading it out wouldn't have changed anything.

But then I was never afraid to tell a woman the instant I knew it wouldn't work, and break up then and there.


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## EANx (Jan 18, 2018)

At some point, we all think we screwed-up. When it comes to dating, it's very easy to screw-up and very hard to screw-up permanently. I think the hardest thing for me was balancing dating multiple people while always on the look-out for subtext from the ladies. In today's world, you have to assume your date is seeing other people UNTIL YOU BOTH AGREE OTHERWISE. That means the guy picking you up for an 8pm movie could have had a 5pm dinner and dessert with someone else. It's on you to protect both your heart and your body in whatever fashion you deem appropriate. You shouldn't feel pressured into anything but you should be a good communicator. 

Guys often have no problem holding back on sex for the first 5-6 dates while everyone figures each other out, the key here is that he shouldn't feel taken advantage of. There's a HUGE difference between a woman who wants a guy to pay for six dates with no sex vs a woman who wants to alternate paying (with no sex) while the couple figures out if they're compatible.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Oh, another interesting thing about our knowledge of dating is we do not know anyone who has used any dating apps or services. Everyone we know who dates finds prospective dates through group social functions.

It could be that the difference is in that distinction.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I was waiting for one of the “sex by the third date” guys to show up. lol
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am not a sex by the third date kind of guy. But I am certainly not committing to anything until I know what I am getting. If a woman wants to wait 90 days, that is cool with me. It is just that I won't be around by then.
I honestly do not understand how anyone can think they really know someone without engaging in the most intimate and private aspect of their life. Perhaps you can explain it me?
Sex is a major aspect of most people's lives. Sexual incompatibility is one of the major causes of divorce and marital discord. I am at a loss as to how you think you can ever know anyone without sharing this with them. 
And, no, talking about it means nothing. Because you never know until you know.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I'm just calling a spade a spade here, but if he wanted to be exclusive, he should have manned the hell up and talked to her about it. Instead, he played a silly passive/aggressive game telling her he was no longer seeing the other gal he'd been dating and I guess Ursula was supposed to be a mind reader and know what he was thinking.
> 
> And how he's having himself a little hissy fit because he expected her to know exactly what was on his mind.
> 
> ...


I agree with the general consensus here, that he wanted exclusivity from you, but I don't think he was doing some sort of passive aggressive test.

He told you he was ready to date you exclusively. He was falling for you, or felt he could. He was hoping you would reciprocate. You did not. He wants a woman who feels the same way he does. You did not. You didn't need to be a mind reader - you just needed to be a compatible woman. And you aren't. Just keep looking.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I am not a sex by the third date kind of guy. But I am certainly not committing to anything until I know what I am getting. If a woman wants to wait 90 days, that is cool with me. It is just that I won't be around by then.
> I honestly do not understand how anyone can think they really know someone without engaging in the most intimate and private aspect of their life. Perhaps you can explain it me?
> Sex is a major aspect of most people's lives. Sexual incompatibility is one of the major causes of divorce and marital discord. I am at a loss as to how you think you can ever know anyone without sharing this with them.
> And, no, talking about it means nothing. Because you never know until you know.


So you're a 'test drive all the cars and then buy the one that drives nice and has all the other features you want' kind of dater?

As opposed to a 'do all the research and then test drive the top few that meet all the other requirements' dater?

I agree on test driving for sexual compatibility before major commitment. I just don't think it has to have a fixed timeline and I'm willing to have minor commitment beforehand.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> So you're a 'test drive all the cars and then buy the one that drives nice and has all the other features you want' kind of dater?
> 
> As opposed to a 'do all the research and then test drive the top few that meet all the other requirements' dater?
> 
> I agree on test driving for sexual compatibility before major commitment. I just don't think it has to have a fixed timeline and I'm willing to have minor commitment beforehand.


Not all. I kick the tires on quite a few before I take one out for a test drive. There are plenty I pass on that never make it off the lot. It isn't like I screw anything that moves. I just prefer to find out sooner, rather than later, because it is important to me. It doesn't make me bad or good, nor does it make anyone bad or good to wait. I just prefer not to wait, because it is that important to me. If someone else wants to wait, that is great, it just means we aren't compatible in that regards.
But even in that regard, you can find out quite a bit about someone once the two of you become sexually active. For instance some will decide they own you and try to change you by holding obligation over your head, some are selfish lovers, others hide intent (whether to entrap, or dominate or entice). You simply cannot know who you are dealing with until you have been intimate with them.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I remember 7 or 8 years ago when I was single and had been dating a very handsome guy for about 6 or7 weeks (and yes, I was multi-dating as well) and he called me at work one day out of the blue and said something along the lines of, "I don't think we can see each other anymore and I'm probably going to move on..." While I was a bit surprised as this was coming out of left field, one of my first rules in life is to never go where I'm not welcome. So trying my best to be gracious and maintain my dignity, I told him I understood and I'd enjoyed the time we'd had together, and I wished him much luck.
> 
> Jeez, he freakin' exploded on me telling me I'd given the WRONG answer, that this was a 'test' and I'd failed it miserably!


That sounds very weird. I wonder where he learned it. 

As far as geography goes, I'm in London, and generally people here assume exclusivity once you're sexually active - BUT that may also be an age range thing, I'm talking about people in their 50s, I can't speak for the younger crowd. 

Another point is that exclusivity doesn't mean permanence. You're still allowed to decide to break up!


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

If I got to the point where I was sleeping with someone multiple times, it would mean to me we are (or should be) exclusive, even if the topic wasn't explicitly discussed. I certainly wouldn't be dating someone else. Your mileage may vary. 

It wasn't real clear to me by your post; did James know about Jerry?

So did you screw up? Well, if you were really interested in Jerry, then maybe you did. Live and learn. If I was sleeping with someone and I found out they were dating someone else, my assumption would be that there is a unacceptably high risk of them cheating on me in the future if we ever got married. But again, that's just my take.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ach!

I could never serial date. Or eat Cereal shared with another hungry male mouth.

If I date em', and bed them, I own em'.

If I do not own em', I cannot eat their Cereal, eat their Fruit Loops.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> If I got to the point where I was sleeping with someone multiple times, it would mean to me we are (or should be) exclusive, even if the topic wasn't explicitly discussed. I certainly wouldn't be dating someone else. Your mileage may vary.
> 
> It wasn't real clear to me by your post; did James know about Jerry?
> 
> So did you screw up? Well, if you were really interested in Jerry, then maybe you did. Live and learn. If I was sleeping with someone and I found out they were dating someone else, my assumption would be that there is a unacceptably high risk of them cheating on me in the future if we ever got married. But again, that's just my take.


We concur, we agree...

And women who date others under our noses will Rue our firm blunt Barb, when we take it away.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I think the "early" sex in dating thing kind of boils down to am I dating a woman for her mind or dating her for her body ? I am older, cold, and cynical. I date'm for their body. If that is working and I develop respect for their mind and concern for their well being then maybe we've got something. I don't play games. Ask me and I'll tell you my truth. If you don't like my answer OK - no prob. I agree with She'sgotit - James sounds like a whimpy ass game player. Not much of a loss.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Ach!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Serial as opposed to parallel.

I had many girlfriends before my wife. I always broke up with each and was footloose and fancy free for a while before starting a new relationship. 

My first girlfriend was three years old, but so was I. My brothers had a pic of her and I holding hands and kissing. Sometime after I was married my brothers told my wife about that, and asked Mary if she wanted to meet the girl. Lucky for me I had already mentioned it a few years earlier. My brothers are notorious trouble makers.

Mary, now, I am her first boyfriend.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> Oh, another interesting thing about our knowledge of dating is we do not know anyone who has used any dating apps or services. Everyone we know who dates finds prospective dates through group social functions.
> 
> It could be that the difference is in that distinction.


It’s far more likely that you don’t know anyone that will admit to using said services.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I disagree with the idea that he wanted to be exclusive with you, and you somehow failed to pick up on that.

Men do exactly what they want to do.

When he wanted to date you, he asked you out.

When he wanted to have sex with you, he initiated.

If he'd truly wanted a relationship with you (and not just announcing monogamy/exclusivity, which is really just saying, 'I won't **** anyone else at this moment in time') then he would have made that clear, and the two of you would've continued on.

A man who genuinely wants a grown up relationship with you based on more than sex says so. It isn't vague and it isn't confusing.

James stopped seeing you, and then he stopped seeing you again - even after you made an effort to reach out. He told you he didn't want to hurt you further. Why in the world would he hurt you? 

Cause he wasn't that serious to begin with.

And, just as a side note, don't feel obligated to answer questions from guys you're dating. Unless you're in a significant relationship that's lasted the test of time, it's absolutely none of their business what you're up to.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Serial as opposed to parallel.
> 
> I had many girlfriends before my wife. I always broke up with each and was footloose and fancy free for a while before starting a new relationship.
> 
> ...


Ach, yes, parallel dating for me is a non-starter. 

Having two or three women revving their engines, peeling their tires, peeling off their attires, while I choose one...no thanks.

I glommed on to the word [serial] from one of the posters.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It’s a fun word

Especially with milk!


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> I'm puzzled about the timeline here. Did you see Jerry for the third date, *after *James had told you that he'd dropped his other prospect? If so, perhaps he was expecting to hear that you'd reciprocated by dropping *your *other prospect.
> 
> You're kidding, right? People don't ask things just because they are "naturally curious". James is trying to read your intentions, and thinks you sent him a clear signal that you were not reciprocating his small step of commitment.
> 
> Mind you, I don't really understand the American system of dating multiple people and how that works, so I may be completely misunderstanding.


Yes I see it also as he gave you the lead in to lets be exclusive talk. He said he stopped
seeing all others and he waited for you to do the same.

Maybe because of my age I never saw multi dating as the way to do things.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You folks must live in the small Midwestern town of Bomont where people weren't allowed to dance until Kevin Bacon changed it all in Footloose. LOL.
> 
> I know tons of people who multi-date when they're not in an exclusive relationship, and I was one of them. >


Real close to my teenagers and they don’t multi-date. Hear bits a pieces about guys and girls that do and none of it is good. The word manhoe comes from my daughter’s mouth from time to time.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So is a relationship not automatically exclusive when you start having sex?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Also believe there is a difference between going out with a friend and dating someone.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

ABHale said:


> So is a relationship not automatically exclusive when you start having sex?


For some people that's the assumption. That would be my assumption. If it isn't my date's assumption I would no longer want to date that person. Perhaps James uses the same standard. He is under no obligation to do anything else. Likewise the OP is under no obligation to be exclusive if she goes by a different standard. Apparently they were incompatible, so it's time for both to move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If I were having sex with a woman and I found out she was dating other men at the same time, I'd no longer consider her long term material and would dump her asap.

Some guys date too find a serious relationship. When the guy dropped his other lady, he expected reciprocity.

OP, your suddenly decided you really liked the guy after he dumped you. If so, why did you schedule a date with another guy? 

Short answer: yes, yes you messed up if you wanted the guy. He showed how he peeved he was with you when he blocked you.

Time to move on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> If I were having sex with a woman and I found out she was dating other men at the same time, I'd no longer consider her long term material and would dump her asap.
> 
> Some guys date too find a serious relationship. When the guy dropped his other lady, he expected reciprocity.
> 
> ...


I think that James found himself falling for @Ursula but didn’t want to appear vulnerable so that’s why he told her he wasn’t seeing anyone else rather than ask her straight out to be exclusive.For whatever reasons,Ursula didn’t reciprocate and rather than get hurt he decided to bow out gracefully.
Ursula isn’t at fault here,James didn’t ask for exclusivity so Ursula didn’t offer.
If you don’t ask you don’t get.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I think that James found himself falling for @Ursula but didn’t want to appear vulnerable so that’s why he told her he wasn’t seeing anyone else rather than ask her straight out to be exclusive.For whatever reasons,Ursula didn’t reciprocate and rather than get hurt he decided to bow out gracefully.
> Ursula isn’t at fault here,James didn’t ask for exclusivity so Ursula didn’t offer.
> If you don’t ask you don’t get.


While I'm not saying it's Ursula's "fault" (fault implies someone is in the wrong) , there are many people who go by the standard that once you are sleeping with someone on a regular bases, exclusivity is assumed. You are right in that he didn't ask, but on the other hand I personally wouldn't be interested in someone whom I would have to ask to be exclusive with, once the relationship had reached that level. In fact by not asking you might learn something about the other person's personal standards. Therefor I don't think it's James "fault" either. He identified what he considered an incompatibility and politely bowed out. Nothing wrong with that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

But there’s a problem, as evidenced here in these answers. Many people think it is correct to assume exclusivity as soon as you have sex.

Before you have sex if you want that I suspect everyone is pretty much on the same page. Give her a class ring, ask her to go steady, communicate somehow.

But my wife and I believe wholeheartedly that as soon as two people have sex there is a commitment created unless they discussed something else ahead of time. Obviously several posters here believe the same thing. It’s assumed, a covert contract, whatever, by a significant portion of the population, I believe. My personal experience is very few people think otherwise, but I am an old man tottering off to my grave. 

Enough people believe it so that expecting other people to state “sex equals commitment” if you yourself never talk about it either is going to lead to problems. If you think the fact having sex does NOT automatically equal commitment perhaps the wise thing to do is... say so before having sex.

We like sex. We like casual sex. We wish you luck, and hope you have fun.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Okay, here goes. As you know, I've gotten on Match.com, and have met some great guys off of there. I've been seeing 2 men, who we'll call James and Jerry. James, I've been seeing for about a month and a half, and really like him. He has also been testing the waters, but recently let the other girl know that he's no longer interested in her. So, it was just me he was seeing. I saw Jerry for the 3rd time on Sunday, and James likes to question me about things like this. I guess he's just naturally curious. That evening, I got a text from James stating that "obviously we aren't passed the sussing out stages yet and we're still searching for something, and wished me good luck on my search. I had Jerry over (who I haven't done anything with except hang out; James I have slept with numerous times). I wasn't able to spend a lot of time on text, but sent him a quick one back, and then went to his house that evening to talk. I felt awful and wanted to make things right, which I thought we did. I got a text message from James today stating that "I cannot in good conscience see you tonight. I tried to end things Sunday, but it didn't take. I walked back on my decision when you can over I guess I was a little overcome by your gesture and it made me falter. I'm not entirely sure this is the right decision but I'm going to stick with it because if I don't, I might hurt you further, and I like you too much to do that."
> 
> I'm freaking out. Did I sabotage this? I've texted him back with no reply, and he has since blocked me on Facebook. I'm just sad; I know there are other fish in the sea, but I really cared about this guy, and was 100% willing to say sayanora to the other guy (Jerry). I even closed down my Match account. Can someone help me reason through this please?


Sorry about that.

I can't disagree with him though and would have been even faster to pull the trigger.

I'm ok with just going out and getting to know people but once I commit to someone romantically, especially sexually, I don't tolerate anything but exclusiveness.

With that being said, I don't know James or his motivations. I'm curious why he thought he was hurting you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. I don't understand multi daters. It is totally their business as long as they are totally up front and honest about it.

I have never, and will never, date a multi dater.

I invest something valuable of myself and expect reciprocity.

If I'm not valuable enough to explore before exploring someone else, I'm definitely not interested.

I'm pretty good at conveying that I'm exclusive territory however and have only had a couple of short experiences with ladies that thought playing musical hearts was acceptable. Several tears later as they saw my ass walking away, they got the picture.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

dubsey said:


> I'd assume he got burned by someone who was paying the field previously, and didn't want his inner jealous a-hole to be on public display for you, so he shut it down and ran away.


You think not sharing a vagina makes you a jealous a-hole?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Machjo said:


> If you find that you do act compulsively, that you feel as if you need to interact with someone sexually or that abstinence actually affects you negatively emotionally over time, you may want to seek help for that. Sex is pleasurable, but to engage in it compulsively can indicate that something else is going on for which you need help.


Hi @Machjo, no, I don't feel like I engage in sexual activity compulsively, but since my separation, I've certainly been much more open to engaging in it. I'm guessing that comes from being in a marriage with someone who is very LD, while I'm quite HD. However, I also believe that sexual compatibility is something that needs to be figured out before getting in too deep as well. If there's no compatibility in that regard, there isn't much sense in continuing on in a relationship.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

I just don’t understand the serial dating thing.

Seems to me this is modern day two timing and the guy bailed figuring you are playing two hands.
I would never agree do such loose terms but I think I’m old fashioned .



Ursula said:


> Okay, here goes. As you know, I've gotten on Match.com, and have met some great guys off of there. I've been seeing 2 men, who we'll call James and Jerry. James, I've been seeing for about a month and a half, and really like him. He has also been testing the waters, but recently let the other girl know that he's no longer interested in her. So, it was just me he was seeing. I saw Jerry for the 3rd time on Sunday, and James likes to question me about things like this. I guess he's just naturally curious. That evening, I got a text from James stating that "obviously we aren't passed the sussing out stages yet and we're still searching for something, and wished me good luck on my search. I had Jerry over (who I haven't done anything with except hang out; James I have slept with numerous times). I wasn't able to spend a lot of time on text, but sent him a quick one back, and then went to his house that evening to talk. I felt awful and wanted to make things right, which I thought we did. I got a text message from James today stating that "I cannot in good conscience see you tonight. I tried to end things Sunday, but it didn't take. I walked back on my decision when you can over I guess I was a little overcome by your gesture and it made me falter. I'm not entirely sure this is the right decision but I'm going to stick with it because if I don't, I might hurt you further, and I like you too much to do that."
> 
> I'm freaking out. Did I sabotage this? I've texted him back with no reply, and he has since blocked me on Facebook. I'm just sad; I know there are other fish in the sea, but I really cared about this guy, and was 100% willing to say sayanora to the other guy (Jerry). I even closed down my Match account. Can someone help me reason through this please?


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I dunno, I multi-dated. Loved it, actually. I think it was a great way to narrow down what I was looking for at a particularly confusing time. There are way too many actually cool people out there--especially right out of getting out of a tough relationship--to jump right into starry-eyed "You are the ONE!!!" type relationships. 

I met my husband multi-dating. I wasn't into multi-sexing though,but I can see why it would also be appealing for the same reasons. However, you do have to know going into it that People do have strong feelings about it. Some of the time @Ursula, it ended up just like you did - with one person saying "hey, we are still looking for something different. Best of luck." A lot of people are like "You'll totally regret not having me!" and well...not really. Because there are a lot of great people out there.

You'll also have these kind of weird interactions where people are expecting one dance and getting another which may have happened here. However, if you are multi-dating-that's sort of the point. You have there weird interactions until you meet a person with whom it isn't weird with and you go "Huh...I like that." IMO.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I'm just calling a spade a spade here, but if he wanted to be exclusive, he should have manned the hell up and talked to her about it. Instead, he played a silly passive/aggressive game telling her he was no longer seeing the other gal he'd been dating and I guess Ursula was supposed to be a mind reader and know what he was thinking.
> 
> And how he's having himself a little hissy fit because he expected her to know exactly what was on his mind.
> 
> ...


Thank-you, @She'sStillGotIt. I feel like I should've been better at reading the signals, but I've never been very good at that. I was aware that he was planning on talking to his other girl about not seeing her anymore, but didn't know that the conversation had actually happened. I had no idea he wanted to be exclusive, and didn't know what he actually saw in me in the first place. When I asked the one night, he said that he liked that I was aloof. I meant to google that for the exact definition, and just did that. That's not something very appealing in someone, and I didn't realize that I was being that way at all. That's horrible, in fact. That was all he said; didn't go into detail. 

I feel awful; yesterday was easier, today is not (lots and lots of tears). I keep wishing that I read the signs, that I could turn back the clock. But then, I also knew him and I weren't going to work almost right away. He's a great guy, funny, we had much in common and wanted the same things out of life (apparently), but my first thought upon meeting him was that there was no way he was 100% straight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against anyone who likes the same sex, but I don't necessarily want to be in a long-term relationship with them. This was a concern of mine, and when asked if there was anything that bothered me about him, I voiced my concern, albeit reluctantly. It's a delicate subject. He assured me that he is in fact, 100% into women. 

So now, I'm trying to remember that I had concerns going in, and that I shouldn't feel this broken. But, I do, and I think it's only because he's cut contact completely, and I have no way to get closure, except going to his house and ringing his doorbell, which I really don't want to do. He obviously doesn't want me to do that either. Last time I dated was 2012, and things have changed. If this is what dating is, I don't want it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> If I got to the point where I was sleeping with someone multiple times, it would mean to me we are (or should be) exclusive, even if the topic wasn't explicitly discussed. I certainly wouldn't be dating someone else. Your mileage may vary.
> 
> It wasn't real clear to me by your post; did James know about Jerry?
> 
> So did you screw up? Well, if you were really interested in Jerry, then maybe you did. Live and learn. If I was sleeping with someone and I found out they were dating someone else, my assumption would be that there is a unacceptably high risk of them cheating on me in the future if we ever got married. But again, that's just my take.


Hi @Rhubarb, yes, James knew about Jerry, and he knew about any guy I went for coffee with in the early vetting stages. I met James just after Christmas, and had joined Match mid-December. I had an influx of men interested and I went for coffee with a few of them. To me, in the world of online dating, this is how you narrow it down: if there's no connection, you let them know and move along. 

I had a connection with 3. Man #1 had 3 kids whom he said he had sole custody of. This was appealing to me, and he's an incredibly sweet man. We hung out about half a dozen times, most of which James knew about and was intrigued by. So intrigued that he would fire a number of questions about not only those dates but anyone else I happened to have had a coffee scheduled with. I found it a bit weird that he was so interested. Anyways, after about the 6th "date" with Man #1, I found out that him and his wife still live together: he has the upper floors, she's in the basement. So, he technically doesn't have sole custody of their kids, and he also (to my mind, anyways) isn't *quite* separated. I cut contact after finding this out. 

So, that left James and Jerry. They're very different from one another, and I was trying to figure out which one would be a better match in real life. I had Jerry over for supper (just supper; nothing sexual has ever happened with him), and during that supper is when I figured out that James was the one I wanted to be with exclusively.

I also found out the same night that James ghosted me, that Jerry had someone waiting in the wings that he had dated a bit a month or so ago, and then she needed a break to sort through some things. When I asked him a couple weeks ago if he was seeing anyone else, he said "no". Apparently, she's done going through whatever she was going through and is ready to pick up where they left off. So, jokes on me. I took too long to decide, and am left high and dry!


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

It's February! Line 'em up and try again.  Plus, there is no Valentine's pressure anymore and spring is just around the corner.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ursula, I think the best is yet to come! Hang in there my dear!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

minimalME said:


> I disagree with the idea that he wanted to be exclusive with you, and you somehow failed to pick up on that.
> 
> Men do exactly what they want to do.
> 
> ...


 @minimalME, that was what I was wondering, and it was an odd choice of words for him to use. I guess I did dodge a bullet with this one, but why does it hurt do damn bad? During my divorce, not 1 tear was shed, probably for a couple reasons: 1. I was so done by that point, and 2. I had also cried A LOT during the marriage and my tear ducts were probably just dried up by the time divorce hit. With this though, I've bawled. I broke down 3 times before going to work today, and once at work so far. I'm not a crier, not even close. I can watch the sappiest of movies and have dry eyes. But this? My God, it's ridiculous. As to your last paragraph, thanks for that. I often wondered why he was SO curious about everything. He would even ask about other intimate encounters. It seemed really odd and intrusive.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> For some people that's the assumption. That would be my assumption. If it isn't my date's assumption I would no longer want to date that person. Perhaps James uses the same standard. He is under no obligation to do anything else. Likewise the OP is under no obligation to be exclusive if she goes by a different standard. Apparently they were incompatible, so it's time for both to move on.


James was actually sleeping with his other girl while seeing me as well, so I think our thinking was along the same lines.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Amazingly, throughout this whole thread everyone seemed to forget that James was also seeing someone else (remember he dumped her?) The assumption (at least what I read in some of the replies) was that James was just looking out for himself and that Ursula was wrong to be multi-dating.
Maybe James just wasn't getting what he wanted from either of them?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't fret too long young lady!

I'm not James so this probably isn't worth much but I would have laid claim to you if I wanted you. If I liked you enough to have sex with you, I definitely would have let you know, in no uncertain terms, that I wanted you to be MY woman.

I'm not going to bag on James too much but maybe he needs to be a little more direct with what he wants.

Sorry your heart is hurting sweetie.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ursula said:


> James was actually sleeping with his other girl while seeing me as well, so I think our thinking was along the same lines.


Well hell!

He stopped seeing the other woman and let you know. That was good.

He then should have made his intentions towards you clear.

Like I said, I'm not him and can only guess at his motivations.

I know multi dating and definitely multi sexing is incredibly difficult to navigate if you are looking for more than a hookup.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. I don't understand multi daters. It is totally their business as long as they are totally up front and honest about it.
> 
> I have never, and will never, date a multi dater.
> 
> ...


 @ConanHub, I'm not sure why he thought he was hurting me. Honestly, I've NEVER been one to multi-date; I've always been exclusive to only 1 man at a time, and I've always jumped in with both feet and given it my all. This time, I decided to try something different, and it also kind of goes with online dating. I was inundated when I first joined Match. Not that I'm all that, but I was new to Match, and was suddenly matched with A LOT of men who wanted to meet for coffee. So, I tried doing the multi-dating thing for a couple reasons: 1. I have had zero luck with jumping in and becoming serious right away with 1 man at a time, 2. I wanted to see if I would have better luck in casually seeing more than 1 at a time.

I went into it with a game plan: get to know them while having fun and keeping things light; no sex involved until I knew for sure who was Mr. Right. James initiated our first sexual encounter, and that was on our third or fourth date. He knew at the time that I was hanging out with 2 others, but that both were casual friendships.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Ursula, I think the best is yet to come! Hang in there my dear!


Good Lord, I hope so! I feel down and broken, but reactivated my Match account (which I had taken down for James awhile ago). I've fired off a handful of "interests" and messages, but have gotten zero feedback. Can't help but think this is Karma biting back. But, a gentleman contacted me a couple days ago. I had gone for 1 coffee with him in the New Year, and then sent a message saying that I had found someone and wanted to see where it went. He contacted me about hanging out just as friends. Whether he has other desires, I don't know. We did have a great connection, but a girl has to narrow it down somehow. We're going to a movie this weekend. I'm all kind of scared and really not excited, but he's nice and we have a boatload of things in common. And, his smile can light up a room, and I could really use some light about now, even just in terms of friendship.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ursula said:


> I often wondered why he was SO curious about everything. He would even ask about other intimate encounters. It seemed really odd and intrusive.


Yes, that stuck out to me as weird.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Don't fret too long young lady!
> 
> I'm not James so this probably isn't worth much but I would have laid claim to you if I wanted you. If I liked you enough to have sex with you, I definitely would have let you know, in no uncertain terms, that I wanted you to be MY woman.
> 
> ...


Thanks Conan, and yes, your words are worth a lot, or at least, they hit home enough to be important to me, so thank-you. I'm definitely bad at reading signs and do much better when everything is laid out in front of me. If someone wants to be exclusive, and date only me, I feel like I would want them to say that so I know 100% what is happening. Otherwise, I'm just guessing. Maybe that's weird, but that's just the way I'm wired. AND, I will be letting any future men know that as well that way they know what kind of person I am, and that they will need to be direct.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ursula said:


> I'm freaking out. Did I sabotage this? I've texted him back with no reply, and he has since blocked me on Facebook. I'm just sad; I know there are other fish in the sea, but I really cared about this guy, and was 100% willing to say sayanora to the other guy (Jerry). I even closed down my Match account. Can someone help me reason through this please?


If you continue with on-line dating, for what it's worth, I would stop dating a lady if she continued to date other men after we had slept together.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> I guess I did dodge a bullet with this one, but why does it hurt do damn bad?


It hurts to be rejected. It hurts even more if you really liked him and you'd started envisioning a future with him.

In the dating world, people like to pretend that we all have good motives, we'll look out for one another, and we all want the same things. It's simply not true. 

YOU are responsible for you. And that means going through your own personal due diligence - however that's defined for you, so that this doesn't happen to you over and over again.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Steve1000 said:


> If you continue with on-line dating, for what it's worth, I would stop dating a lady if she continued to date other men after we had slept together.


Yes. I have no idea how normal I am or am not, but sex for me would either be completely casual (ons, fwb), or part of a committed relationship. And I would presume the same for the woman. If she is dating other men then she signals our relationship is casual to her.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Thor said:


> Yes. I have no idea how normal I am or am not, but sex for me would either be completely casual (ons, fwb), or part of a committed relationship. And I would presume the same for the woman. If she is dating other men then she signals our relationship is casual to her.


I would assume that she wasn't really into me and was still holding out hope of meeting someone more her type.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Amazingly, throughout this whole thread everyone seemed to forget that James was also seeing someone else (remember he dumped her?) The assumption (at least what I read in some of the replies) was that James was just looking out for himself and that Ursula was wrong to be multi-dating.
> Maybe James just wasn't getting what he wanted from either of them?


I agree that James didn't seem to end the relationship because of her multiple dating (since he was doing the same thing himself). For me, dating is too complicated to try to date more than one at a time. I think that to really know if someone is compatible, we need to focus on one at a time.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

After reading this thread (or most of it), I'm sure glad I don't have to date anymore.

As a man, I probably would've done the same thing James did. It would either be an exclusive relationship, or a FWB situation, nothing in between. If I would've broken off dating others, and told a woman that, and she didn't do the same, it would tell me that she doesn't feel the same way about the situation as me. In this case, walk away before emotions get too deep. Call it self-preservation, and move on.

You have a right to choose what to do regardless. Your choice just wasn't what he was hoping for. That's the way I see it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula said:


> I went into it with a game plan: get to know them while having fun and keeping things light; no sex involved until I knew for sure who was Mr. Right. James initiated our first sexual encounter, and that was on our third or fourth date. He knew at the time that I was hanging out with 2 others, but that both were casual friendships.


Ursula, there is nothing wrong with your game plan or the fact that you were trying a different approach. The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same things expecting a different result. You tried something different. IMO your issue wasn't that you tried something different, it was that you got away from your game plan and started to engage in old thought patterns. You did keep it casual, the problem started for you, when you found out he wasn't right when he ghosted you and you took it personally.
Rather than feeling used, abused and/or taken advantage of remember, the sex was consensual and beneficial because you learned a lesson.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think he was a little too curious about the details of your dating life. Maybe he wasn't 100% straight after all (bisexual men sometimes shade the truth about that -- especially in the beginning). 

He just wasn't for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ursula said:


> @ConanHub, I'm not sure why he thought he was hurting me. Honestly, I've NEVER been one to multi-date; I've always been exclusive to only 1 man at a time, and I've always jumped in with both feet and given it my all. This time, I decided to try something different, and it also kind of goes with online dating. I was inundated when I first joined Match. Not that I'm all that, but I was new to Match, and was suddenly matched with A LOT of men who wanted to meet for coffee. So, I tried doing the multi-dating thing for a couple reasons: 1. I have had zero luck with jumping in and becoming serious right away with 1 man at a time, 2. I wanted to see if I would have better luck in casually seeing more than 1 at a time.
> 
> I went into it with a game plan: get to know them while having fun and keeping things light; no sex involved until I knew for sure who was Mr. Right. James initiated our first sexual encounter, and that was on our third or fourth date. He knew at the time that I was hanging out with 2 others, but that both were casual friendships.


Yeah. I get that it is a different situation than regular dating. I've never dated using the internet so bad on me for advice without knowledge.

I can see meeting for coffee with multiple people in that scenario. With the rest of your information, I just think James should have been more direct about what he wanted as he was in the same boat as you and knew the score.

I would have been upfront from the start and since you obviously peaked his interest, he should have told you where he stood so you could decide if the two of you would become an item.

Maybe you did dodge a bullet here.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

FrenchFry said:


> <snip>There are way too many actually cool people out there--especially right out of getting out of a tough relationship--to jump right into starry-eyed "You are the ONE!!!" type relationships.
> 
> <snip>


This is the part I suspect I do not understand.

If you date only one person how does that make that dating into "You are the ONE!!!"? 

It's just two people getting to know each other. It doesn't make it serious just because you aren't multi dating.

Is there some secret minimum time between dates for one prospective partner which I am not aware of? Like, you can only date one girl once a week, and since there are 7 evenings a week it is a waste of the other six evenings to not multi date?

A funny question, but serious. Mathematically multi dating is not an advantage. If I need 18 dates to decide if Betty Lou is not a valid prospective mate, it does not matter if I date her 18 times in 18 days, or 18 times across 18 months, does it?

Personally I suspect 30 dates in a row would be the most telling. Make sure I see her on those days!


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Sounds like you have an understanding of what happened, Ursula.
Many men do not like the idea of sharing a woman. He did the right thing for himself and for you. He didn’t want to hurt you in the future and did not want to just continue shallow relationship. Letting go of the other woman he was dating was a step to exclusivity with you but you did not take that step. It likely hurt his feelings, and made the decision that he liked you too much to continue a casual sexual relationship with you and since you weren’t exclusive with him he does not want you anymore.
It’s tough. I can’t blame you for keeping it casual, and dating other people while you’re single. When it comes to sex though, men can be territorial, it’s just natural for a male to chase off other males. I’d suggest no sex until you know the man is boyfriend worthy, unless you just want a good time.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> This is the part I suspect I do not understand.
> 
> If you date only one person how does that make that dating into "You are the ONE!!!"?
> 
> ...


Probably because if you are eliminating anyone else from contention you are prone to fall into the trap of He/She is the One! 
By your own admittance, you have not dated recently. Things have changed considerably from when we were kids and our dating pool was rather limited to just those people in our social circle (school, work, hobby or however it was defined in those days) When your potential dates are limited to the few degrees of separation that were present, you had the opportunity to ask friends and acquaintances about them. You also had the opportunity to observe them from a distance. And the closeness of the relationship also dictated a little more circumspection in regards to multi-dating within your social circle.
Such is not the case for most people these days. The internet, and cheap communication and travel have opened up the pool of potentials much more so that it ever was before. Now you are not limited to your relatively small social circle, not are they. You can meet people from all walks of life and from all over the world. Given the plethora of options available today relative to days gone by, multi-dating makes absolute sense.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

That doesn't address the mathematics.

It doesn't make sense.

If I need 30 dates to decide whether or not Betty is an appropriate match for me, what difference does it make if those dates are made as 30 dates in a row, or 30 dates across 30 months?

If 30 dates in a row will be satisfactory to task, why not do that?

Why bother breaking off from that task to go on 3 dates with Sally? I can wait to date Sally until I have completed my inquiries with Betty.

I certainly hope no one suggests that 30 dates in a row necessitates one or the other of us must consider the relationship serious.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> That doesn't address the mathematics.
> 
> It doesn't make sense.
> 
> ...


Because life isn't mathematics?
Your 30 dates with Betty may have to take place over 6 months, during which time Sally will have probably moved on. In the meantime Betty and Sally may have had 30 additional offers themselves, not to mention the 30 or more offers you may have experienced. 
If you want to date one person - exclusively - that is your choice, but it is one that is no more relevant to today's environment than writing a letter and waiting weeks for a reply.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

WilliamM said:


> This is the part I suspect I do not understand.
> 
> If you date only one person how does that make that dating into "You are the ONE!!!"?
> 
> It's just two people getting to know each other. It doesn't make it serious just because you aren't multi dating.


I can only speak for me! Others may vary.

I could compare people better when I was dating more than one person at a time. Getting to know one person, I would probably like that person--I generally like people. The more I talk to a person, the more I like that person and I have a tendency to ignore red flags the more I talk to one person.

I spread that liking over two people. I can then see while I like them both, one person's sense of humor makes me smile more vs the other. One person handles their life in a way that I would get along with while the other person we would be in conflict and so on.

After getting out of an abusive relationship, I was very wary of lovebombing. I wanted to establish who I was as a romantic partner and what I was looking for. Multi-dating was a tool to do so. It helped me determine what I needed and wanted. I was hurt if a mono-dater peaced out but in the long run we wouldn't have been compatible anyway so it was okay.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula, 

I don't think I'm going to jump in on the mathematics debate--I'll leave that to the mathematicians and engineers.  

However, here's my thought: when you are dating people, the point of the activity is to get to know them and determine if they are longer-relationship material. You were dating James and Jerry and you were not married to or committed to either one. Neither one of them has ANY right to your business, your choices, or you...you were getting to know them. As an adult you agreed to sex with James, and cool it was fun and good. That still doesn't give him a claim to you...it just means you engaged in a mutually enjoyable activity! Now you may have learned that he was sexually compatible (which consider your HD/LD sitch in the past, is a good thing to know), but you didn't know much more about him at all. You didn't lie to him. You were open and communicated with him. 

And all-of-a-sudden he just broke up with this other girl and with you. 

Nothing personal, but you have no idea why. He did not communicate with you enough to explain it. If he was upset that he went exclusive and you didn't, a mature adult would have said @Ursula, I'm hurt that I went exclusive and you didn't" but he didn't do that, did he? He jumped right out of the fry pan. 

That means you got to know him. He is the kind of man who wants what he wants when he wants it, he doesn't communicate it, he expects you to read his mind, and if you don't read it right, he will punish you. He will threaten the stability of the relationship if he doesn't get what he wants. 

*WHEW!! You dodged that bullet!!!* Isn't that a good thing? Imagine getting emotionally entangled with someone who would not tell you right up front what they expect of you, and who would punish you if you get it wrong? Who would want to be with someone like that?

So I get it--you're sad and miss what you thought you had. Heck you may miss the great sex too! But what you don't miss is the guy he really was: a non-communicator, a demander, a mind-reader, a punisher, a threatener. Cry your tears and let those feelings flow, but remind yourself that you really did a good job vetting this and dodging this bullet.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ursula said:


> Good Lord, I hope so! I feel down and broken, but reactivated my Match account (which I had taken down for James awhile ago). I've fired off a handful of "interests" and messages, but have gotten zero feedback. Can't help but think this is Karma biting back. But, a gentleman contacted me a couple days ago. I had gone for 1 coffee with him in the New Year, and then sent a message saying that I had found someone and wanted to see where it went. He contacted me about hanging out just as friends. Whether he has other desires, I don't know. We did have a great connection, but a girl has to narrow it down somehow. We're going to a movie this weekend. I'm all kind of scared and really not excited, but he's nice and we have a boatload of things in common. And, his smile can light up a room, and I could really use some light about now, even just in terms of friendship.


Just go out and have fun honey.

How about this, don't worry about meeting your "forever" just yet. He will come when you least expect it.

Just go have fun!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Oh. I see.

Everyone is too busy.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I don't think in terms of mathematics for relationships, only compatibility.

I knew I really liked my husband date one. Day one, I liked him. I also liked this other dude date one. However, dating both at the same time I could see that my husband and I we clicked way better than the other dude.

I could have dated both for thirty days at a time and discovered that. Or not--in 30 days I might have been blinded by this other dudes charm and ignored all the red flags.

Instead, I could see very easily that my husband and I were compatible and the other dude was just charming.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Oh my God, thank-you @Affaircare, I so needed to hear that. I'm at work, fighting off the 5th breakdown of the day, even though I KNOW it never would've worked out. I seriously don't know what my problem is, besides the fact that I got no closure, and have no way to get it now. You're right, while we had a really good camaraderie between us, and I genuinely enjoyed his company (and yes, the sex was the best I've ever had), I really would rather be with someone who will communicate their thoughts/feelings/ideas to me. I wish he'd have sat me down and we could have talked about what we wanted from each other, but lesson learned. I'll be doing that with the next man.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Just go out and have fun honey.
> 
> How about this, don't worry about meeting your "forever" just yet. He will come when you least expect it.
> 
> Just go have fun!


Exactly, @Inloveforeverwithhubby. I'm going in with the no-plan plan, and am going to just go and enjoy the evening and the company.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula, 

Here's a couple things I picked up along the way: my Dear Hubby was a man of few words, meaning that he was not big into speaking out loud. Now, he THOUGHT a lot and he ACTED a lot, so my job was to pay attention to what he did. I got to know him, and so I knew, he just wasn't a big talker...BUT he also got to know me and knew I did like to talk some and that when it came to conflict or miscommunication, that talking was the way to resolve it. So if I did get the wrong idea (and you know what...I did sometimes), he would take the time to talk about it out loud. Sometimes I did have to say to him, "Will you tell me out loud?" but he got fairly good at it. My point is that his actions were consistent, and when it was confusing, he would make the effort to speak out loud and work through it. So clue #1 for you: not all people have to be verbal-talky people but do look for someone who is consistent and will explain when there is confusion. 

Another thing I picked up along the way: not everyone is good at "hurting with others." I'm not! When I hurt, I tend to curl up like an armadillo and finding words is hard. I kind of prefer the safety of being alone. BUT when I care for someone, I will make the effort to communicate with them. It's an expression of including them and caring and sharing. And thus clue #2 for you: when you see someone who is or is not good at "hurting with others" but who makes the effort to communicate...THAT one is the keeper! It may not be perfect and the two of you may have to figure out how you'll do it together, but it's the one willing to include you that marks a good one. 


P.S. Sorry you're crying, and I know it hurts like heck. You actually did pretty good, and I'm a little bit proud of ya.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife has only ever said one thing about communication.

She said she expected me to figure it all out and never ask her anything. (Mary corrected me, she says she told me I have to be a mind reader.)

I strive to do that. 

But I suspect two people like that would do poorly together. Somebody has to make sure there is some sort of communication going on.

Before I got married I thought it was kind of a two way thing. Since then I have seen it is a grab bag of whoever is willing to take it on.

And I am sorry you are hurting.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> Oh. I see.
> 
> Everyone is too busy.


It has nothing to do with being too busy, it has to do with recognizing that you have options and that anyone you are dating or thinking about also has options - many, many more options than they had 40 some years ago when you were dating.
In fact if you are multi-dating you are probably way busier than you would ever be if you just dating one person at a time.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

WilliamM said:


> Oh. I see.
> 
> Everyone is too busy.


[smallthreadjack]

@WilliamM, 

FINE!!

30 dates x 1 at a time = 30 dates/6 days a week (need a day of "rest") = 5 weeks. 52 weeks/year = 10 folks yay or nay

30 dates x 6 at a time (1/day) = 180 dates/6 days a week = 30 weeks (or more than half a year) 6 x 1.7 (52 weeks/year divided by 30) = 10 folks yay or nay

Either way the math is similar as to how many you can thumbs up or thumbs down, AND one-at-a-time you can keep your sanity and your schedule straight (not to mention calling out the right name in those intensely pleasurable moments). 

THERE, did the math for ya...are you happy? :grin2:

[/smallthreadjack]


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I hope Ursula laughs!

And, how many of them will expect us to be mind readers?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ursula, Im sorry if you already said this and I missed it...but when you went to his house after he broke up with you, what exactly happened and what was discussed? Did you talk? Did you have sex? 

If there was no discussion when you went there and if you basically just jumped his bones and that made you both feel you were "on" again until he woke up the next day, then honestly that's problematic on your end.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> [smallthreadjack]
> 
> @WilliamM,
> 
> ...


Oh my God :grin2:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ursula, Im sorry if you already said this and I missed it...but when you went to his house after he broke up with you, what exactly happened and what was discussed? Did you talk? Did you have sex?
> 
> If there was no discussion when you went there and if you basically just jumped his bones and that made you both feel you were "on" again until he woke up the next day, then honestly that's problematic on your end.


Hi Faithful Wife, no, I hadn't said anything about that at this point. We just sat on his couch, talked about the issue at hand, ironed it out (or so I thought). He held my hand, and was shocked that I was so upset. Hell, I was shocked that I was so upset. He said that he wanted to take me upstairs, but it was getting late (I had actually just caught him going to bed). Now, before you all think I'm out carousing at 11pm, I'm not. I arrived there right around 8pm. He works unusual hours, and is up by 1:30am on Mondays to get to work by 2:30am. We talked about our Valentine's day plans, and I said that we should hang out at his place more often. He said that I could bring my dogs over, and that he checked out the green space behind him to make sure it was fenced. I thought that was a sweet gesture. He gave me a huge hug and kissed me before I left.

One thing that I thought of this evening: instead of doing what he did, he could've taken the high road, come over on V-day, and continued the conversation if he was confused or over thinking things. There were options, and he could've chosen to take the high road.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

But his second break up text was very calm and mature. I don't see where he's done anything wrong.

When you "ironed things out" what was discussed? Not that it matters. I'm just curious.

Again I can understand that you feel rejected. But anytime someone isn't feeling it with us and breaks up with us we should just accept it and move on quickly.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sweetie, I'm sorry. It is such a jungle out there! 

I can only speak from my own multi dating experience. First, it was damn fun. I had the time of my life. But I can tell you that some men absolutely lost their **** when I told them that I was dating other men. Perhaps they assumed I was sleeping with all of these men? I wasn't, but we never got that far in the conversation. My thinking was Why lay my eggs in one basket from the get-go? 

But I do understand Where they are coming from if they thought I was sleeping around. if a guy is looking for a relationship and not a one night stand, why would he be interested In the town bike?

you have every right to sleep with whoever you choose, whenever you choose, with as many people as you choose. But just know that the ones that are serious about a relationship don't want to get involved with someone who has slept with them, yet continues to date around. for what it's worth, I totally get with they are coming from. I wouldn't want that in any potential partner, either.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ursula had never answered one question that I could see:

Why did she schedule a date with another dude, when she liked the one she was sleeping with and had the best sex of her life with? THAT I don't understand.

I had the best sex of my life with my ex gf. I had zero interest in anyone else. All I wanted was more of her.

Now, OP is upset that he dumped her. Why? She still has Jerry. He was more interesting than James, or she wouldn't have wanted a date with him---- I assume.

Oh, and man would be an idiot to ask a woman to be exclusive with him that he was already sleeping with. Asking would imply she was a **** that slept with everyone casually.

So some of you who are saying he should have been more plain and she shouldn't be a mind reader?? Really?
He told her he was dumping his other lady. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to see why he told her that.

I totally would have felt the same way he did, and would have told her the same. Yes, she messed up. Live and learn. Most guys and most ladies don't tolerate dating by the person they're sleeping with... this guy didn't.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Maybe the sex wasn't as good as you thought.

If it was he will be calling for a booty call at some time..


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Maybe the sex wasn't as good as you thought.
> 
> If it was he will be calling for a booty call at some time..


Not everyone is like this. If he broke it off because he didn't want to share he's not necessarily the booty call kind of jerk


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> Not everyone is like this. If he broke it off because he didn't want to share he's not necessarily the booty call kind of jerk


Time will tell


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> Sweetie, I'm sorry. It is such a jungle out there!
> 
> I can only speak from my own multi dating experience. First, it was damn fun. I had the time of my life. But I can tell you that some men absolutely lost their **** when I told them that I was dating other men. Perhaps they assumed I was sleeping with all of these men? I wasn't, but we never got that far in the conversation. My thinking was Why lay my eggs in one basket from the get-go?
> 
> ...


Yup, that makes 100% sense, and that's why James was the only guy that I was intimate with.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> ursula had never answered one question that I could see:
> 
> Why did she schedule a date with another dude, when she liked the one she was sleeping with and had the best sex of her life with? THAT I don't understand.
> 
> ...


Sorry, gave the computer a break this weekend, and am just getting around to looking at replies. @Evinrude58, I was just an idiot, plain and simple. I liked James, and still do, and even though I was pretty sure that it wouldn't have worked out in the end, I'd have happily dated him until then. The only thing that I can say is that I was burned in my marriage, and I wanted to be 110% sure that I was making the right decision with the right man this time. It didn't work out, and now I pay the price. I don't take subtle hints, nor do I question the other person about their dating trends. I wasn't sure if James had broken it off with the other woman; he never confirmed that. All I knew is that he was planning on talking to her. For all I know, that's who he's banging now. And for the record, Jerry is no longer either. That same night, I found out that he had been seeing someone else a month beforehand, who needed space. Apparently, she doesn't need space anymore, and he's gone to her, I'm guessing. So yeah, I lost out big time. I went on 3 "dates" this weekend, and can honestly say that none of them excited me to the point of wanting to see them again. I think I just need a break.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Sorry, gave the computer a break this weekend, and am just getting around to looking at replies. @Evinrude58, I was just an idiot, plain and simple. I liked James, and still do, and even though I was pretty sure that it wouldn't have worked out in the end, I'd have happily dated him until then. The only thing that I can say is that I was burned in my marriage, and I wanted to be 110% sure that I was making the right decision with the right man this time. It didn't work out, and now I pay the price. I don't take subtle hints, nor do I question the other person about their dating trends. I wasn't sure if James had broken it off with the other woman; he never confirmed that. All I knew is that he was planning on talking to her. For all I know, that's who he's banging now. And for the record, Jerry is no longer either. That same night, I found out that he had been seeing someone else a month beforehand, who needed space. Apparently, she doesn't need space anymore, and he's gone to her, I'm guessing. So yeah, I lost out big time. I went on 3 "dates" this weekend, and can honestly say that none of them excited me to the point of wanting to see them again. I think I just need a break.


Ursula, first off, you are not idiot. You took a chance and it didn't work out. That doesn't mean you are an idiot. It means you were given a lesson, you are only an idiot if you refuse to learn from it. 
The fact is that you did happily dated James up until the end. It was just the end came sooner than you thought.
Next, don't try to be perfect, don't try to get it right. Because right now, just trying is all you need to do. You did not make mistake, you tried and discovered a way that did not work out. 
Finally, don't worry about three dates that didn't work out. You may need a few days to process, but it was just three dates. Keep trying, because that is really the only way to know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe a simple text to say thanks for being honest with me. You were really important to me but I understand. I hope we can still be on friendly terms. Wishing you the best in life. And then no more.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

turnera said:


> Maybe a simple text to say thanks for being honest with me. You were really important to me but I understand. I hope we can still be on friendly terms. Wishing you the best in life. And then no more.


I did send something like this, but have since realized that he's blocked me in all ways, shapes and forms. There's no getting through unless I ring his doorbell, which I'm surely not going to do.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Ursula said:


> I did send something like this, but have since realized that he's blocked me in all ways, shapes and forms. There's no getting through unless I ring his doorbell, which I'm surely not going to do.




Wow...that’s a little drastic. Drama much? I’m with the rest...you dodged a bullet 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

agree with the others... don't feel sorrow. Feel thankful.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

What a fascinating thing dating must be in 2018! When I dated, generally you dated one person until you figured out that it wasn't working, then you dated someone new. Men who did otherwise we're known as "horn dogs" or "players". Women who did so were called other derogatory names. 

This is more of a chess match than dating.

So, Option 1 (three kids guy), became Option 3 after you found out about his living situation. Option 2 became Option 1 (yay for him!) after Option 1 sank to Option 3. Option 3 (Jerry), moved up to Option 2 and was being auditioned for Option 1, but you decided you prefer Option 2 (James) and moved him to Option 1. Option 2 (James) was aware he was being auditioned along with Option 1 (3 kids guy) and Option 3 (Jerry) and asked a lot of questions so as to pass the interview and move ahead. 

James and Jerry also had Options 1 and 2. Jerry opted for his Option 1 and James dropped Option 2 to make you Option 1. However, he also learned that your strategy in this is more like shoe shopping than dating and instead opted for Option 3, which is starting over from scratch. Check Mate James! The queen has been taken!

https://youtu.be/Db3e8Qw9hhs

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> What a fascinating thing dating must be in 2018! When I dated, generally you dated one person until you figured out that it wasn't working, then you dated someone new. Men who did otherwise we're known as "horn dogs" or "players". Women who did so were called other derogatory names.
> 
> This is more of a chess match than dating.
> 
> ...


Just logged into my Match account and saw that I've gotten quite a few views, so I clicked through to see who's viewed me. James had a little peek through my profile 2 days ago. What the hell? He ghosts me, blocks me on everything, and now he wants to have a little look through my profile?! What a dork. And, you guessed it, he has a hidden profile, so I can't click on it to block him. The only thing I can do is report him to the Match.com authorities. 
@TX-SC, wow, that's quite the Who's on First diatribe, and I'm not entirely sure I can make sense of it. Let's see, the Man with 3 kids was great until I found out what his living situation was, and I really don't want to be a part of that mess, so I told him I wasn't able to see him anymore. James asked questions and lots of them right from the get-go (like our first coffee "date", he asked if I had ever slept with anyone off Match). So, he questioned from the time we met, not well into things. Jerry pretty much just fell off the face of the Earth; I have no idea what happened to him besides that he was insanely busy at work, and getting home at 10pm to eat supper. 

These days, dating is a little different, thanks to online dating. There's nothing wrong with testing out the waters and getting to know a couple people a little before jumping in and fully committing to one person, perhaps wrongly. It just didn't work out for me this time, but I'm back on the bandwagon and am moving forward. Or, I was until Mr. Dippy decided to have a little look-see at my profile. Not fair that he gets to do that. I may report him.


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

you surely cant report someone for viewing your profile, that would be silly


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Why on Earth would you report him?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Because he has no business viewing the profile of someone that he's essentially ghosted and cut out of his life. He's made it clear that he has no interest, so he should also be following through on his plans.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I'm 100% positive that there is nothing in the Terms of Agreement that says that because he blocked you elsewhere, he shouldn't be allowed to see you on Match.

Block him back and keep it moving! A huge part of this is not sweating the petty stuff.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FrenchFry said:


> I'm 100% positive that there is nothing in the Terms of Agreement that says that because he blocked you elsewhere, he shouldn't be allowed to see you on Match.
> 
> Block him back and keep it moving! A huge part of this is not sweating the petty stuff.


I can't block the ******! He has his profile set to "hidden", so no one can click on him, but his name still shows up on people's feeds. I would if I could.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

post something innocuous like "don't you love it when people run out of your life, block you on everything, then you can see them creeping on your profile?" in a location you know he'll see it.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Ursula said:


> I can't block the ******! He has his profile set to "hidden", so no one can click on him, but his name still shows up on people's feeds. I would if I could.


Ah! That might be something to request but--it still ain't no thing. You have definitely made some sort of impression though.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Just logged into my Match account and saw that I've gotten quite a few views, so I clicked through to see who's viewed me. James had a little peek through my profile 2 days ago. What the hell? He ghosts me, blocks me on everything, and now he wants to have a little look through my profile?! What a dork. And, you guessed it, he has a hidden profile, so I can't click on it to block him. The only thing I can do is report him to the Match.com authorities.
> 
> These days, dating is a little different, thanks to online dating. There's nothing wrong with testing out the waters and getting to know a couple people a little before jumping in and fully committing to one person, perhaps wrongly. It just didn't work out for me this time, but I'm back on the bandwagon and am moving forward. Or, I was until Mr. Dippy decided to have a little look-see at my profile. Not fair that he gets to do that. I may report him.


My suggestion is to let sleeping dogs lie. He might have just happened thru your profile while doing a search, or he might have needed to pull it up in order to block you himself. Either way, unless he starts stalking you and sending threatening messages, I think you would be miles ahead to just let it go.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Because he has no business viewing the profile of someone that he's essentially ghosted and cut out of his life. He's made it clear that he has no interest, so he should also be following through on his plans.


 I get that, but how is that a reportable offense? Admittedly, I haven't been on match.com for over 6 years. So I don't know How it works there anymore.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

@Ursula, I apologize if this has already been asked, but I am curious. Hopefully you won't take this the wrong way it isn't intended I am genuinely interested to know.

You claimed that you were ready to be in a "committed" or at least "monogamous" relationship with James, my words not yours but this was the feeling I was left with.

If that is the case and you had been slept with James "several times", than why were you out on a date with Jerry? (i think it was Jerry.) keep in mind I don't mean this the way it sounds, it just seems like you were really into James and yet you were still dating other guys, why?

I suspect that James sort of felt like he didn't want to just be one of the harem and seeing that you were still dating he made the assumption that you guys weren't going anywhere. I think if that were me, I could see it if say you had met the two of them at the same time but I get the impression that you had known James for considerably longer as you had only just started dating Jerry (third time). This would leave me to believe you didn't see a future for us because you were still looking for something better. I would probably find that kind of insulting.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> I can't block the ******! He has his profile set to "hidden", so no one can click on him, but his name still shows up on people's feeds. I would if I could.


If you have messages from him on match, you can block him from one of those.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

minimalME said:


> If you have messages from him on match, you can block him from one of those.


Sweet, thanks! I believe I do have a message or two from him yet.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@;


bankshot1993 said:


> @Ursula, I apologize if this has already been asked, but I am curious. Hopefully you won't take this the wrong way it isn't intended I am genuinely interested to know.
> 
> You claimed that you were ready to be in a "committed" or at least "monogamous" relationship with James, my words not yours but this was the feeling I was left with.
> 
> ...


No worries, @bankshot1993, and no offence taken. See, this is where I believe that I'm a bit of an idiot. I do (did) like James, and genuinely cared about him, but because I made such a huge mistake in marrying my STBXH, I wanted to make sure that I was making the best decision that I could for myself this time around. I had met both men online around the same time, but then lost contact with Jerry due to technical issues on the site, then got back in contact with him a bit later on. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would do things much differently, but hindsight is 20/20. And yes, I am interested in being in a committed relationship, and feel that I have a lot to offer someone in that regard.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Learn from your mistakes.

Do you want to go out with a guy knowing hes seeing another girl? I bet the answer is no.

So in your future relationship. Do the same for the guy. Date ONE at a time and dont date another until that relationship has run its course.

When I was younger. I discovered a woman I was seeing was also seeing someone else. I told her its great and hoped she liked the other guy. She seemed shock when I walked her to my door and said, I choose him for you and I hope you two are happy. (My phone blew up for the next month about how she was wrong etc...... I never responded back. I Found a girl who respected me enough to only date me. That girl ended up becoming my wife)


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Txquail said:


> Learn from your mistakes.
> 
> Do you want to go out with a guy knowing hes seeing another girl? I bet the answer is no.
> 
> ...


Just as a counterbalance:

I met my husband while he was dating three other people. I was in a "holding pattern" with two people. It turned out that the others, they were not right and we were.

We still dated others while figuring that out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Dating others during the casual early portion of a relationship is fine. But, for me, once we are having sex I won't date others and I won't stay with a woman who is still dating others.

A common expectation I've heard from women is that the man deactivate any dating profiles and not browse other women's profiles online once the relationship is considered exclusive, even if they aren't having sex yet, but especially if they are having sex.

Maybe there is some age related factor, too. Maybe singles in their 20's are more lenient, but us older folks are still holding onto the old fashioned ways.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thor said:


> Dating others during the casual early portion of a relationship is fine. But, for me, once we are having sex I won't date others and I won't stay with a woman who is still dating others.
> 
> *A common expectation I've heard from women is that the man deactivate any dating profiles and not browse other women's profiles online once the relationship is considered exclusive, even if they aren't having sex yet, but especially if they are having sex.
> *
> Maybe there is some age related factor, too. Maybe singles in their 20's are more lenient, but us older folks are still holding onto the old fashioned ways.


This is exactly the way I was in my 20s, for every single relationship that I was in. It didn't get me very far, but I'm also the type who will stay, hoping against hope that things will change. Now, in my late 30s (I'm almost 40), I'm trying a different tactic, which didn't work out so well either. There has to be a happy medium, I just don't know what that is yet! Plus, add in some panic that I still don't have that family that I would like, and you get some real mayhem.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Ursula said:


> <snip>but I'm also the type who will stay, hoping against hope that things will change. <snip>



I think this issue of staying too long is strongly interwoven into this thread. I saw this mentioned in other people’s posts. 

There was also the idea that exclusivity seemed to mean the relationship was highly passionate rather than still only exploratory.

Perhaps if those ideas could be set aside it would be easier.

Good luck in your exploration.

Never fear realizing at the first opportunity someone isn’t right and moving on, cleanly, immediately.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> I think this issue of staying too long is strongly interwoven into this thread. I saw this mentioned in other people’s posts.
> 
> There was also the idea that exclusivity seemed to mean the relationship was highly passionate rather than still only exploratory.
> 
> ...


Yep, very true, and good idea to set those thoughts aside. I've always jumped in with both feet and given it my all, even when my all wasn't nearly enough, or even effective. To the bolded, YES! I've cut loose most of the men that I've met online so far.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

What I have heard several times, many times, as justification for people choosing to settle for less than optimum mates is their belief they wouldn't find someone, so they just kept trying to make the subpar relationship they had work out somehow. Someone would be aware a relationship was a poor match, but just couldn't walk away out of fear they wouldn't be able to find anything better.

I never had that fear. I was always certain I would find the perfect mate for me. I knew all I needed to do was meet enough women and we would find each other. I was always firmly convinced of that, so it was no problem for me to amicably end a relationship at the first sign of an incompatibility. Some girls ended it before I did, but none of my relationships drug on.

I have been told it takes a very healthy does of self esteem to be able to do that. A lot of people call that conceit.

Of course, all my planning went for naught, since my wife planned even better, and tricked me into marrying her with a well played strategy of lies and deceit which I failed to recognize until we had been married for 5 years.


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