# You ever wander?



## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I wander if she feels like me? Ever? Or is she happy all the time after wanting to end a marriage of 13 years and three kids? How can she make it seem so easy?


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Give it time. The pain you're going through is temporary and fairly extreme at times.

Her pain is awaiting her around the corner and will last a loooooooooong time. She will be trying everything she knows to deflect it only to fail over and over.

This doesn't mean she will come back to you. It just means she will face the same question you're asking here. She will see you having gained back your strength while she weakens everyday.

Walkaway wives are generally very confused and weak people. They either hit rock bottom and learn from their mistakes or they go on to live fairly unstable lives in constant but subtle misery. The ones I know all ended up being lonely bitter women.


----------



## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

My WAW is in complete denial. It actually scares me just how badly she is disconnected from all this. I feel like its a matter of time until she just breaks down. But she knows best...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smylie (Feb 26, 2012)

I can't speak for your wife, but in many WAW, the grief process that comes with a failed marriage has already begun DURING the marriage. You just didn't see it.

That's not to say she doesn't still grieve, but she is at a far more advanced stage in the process, and she also probably feels that you are the last person she would ever share those feelings with.

I'm sorry for your situation, but hang in there. Your own sadness will dissipate over time. You will have good days and bad. It's all normal. You will heal in time.


----------



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Give it time. The pain you're going through is temporary and fairly extreme at times.
> 
> Her pain is awaiting her around the corner and will last a loooooooooong time. She will be trying everything she knows to deflect it only to fail over and over.
> 
> ...


I hope this holds true for WAH as well. He has told me that he's hurting too, but I always wonder if he's hurting more for leaving the kids or shattering his wife's heart into a million-and-one pieces??:scratchhead:


----------



## cmartinho (Jul 18, 2012)

I've been wondering the same every day. Mine says she has been hurt and miserable for 2 years and now she is only numb to it all, I no longer have any effect on her. I wonder every day if she misses me, wants me, loves me. Every day.

And you know what? It's driving me batsh!t crazy!

It's not easy, but you have to do your best to stop thinking about it. Speculating or knowing what she is thinking isn't going to change anything for you because they are only thoughts, not actions.

People are totally capable of thinking "Oh wow, I miss him/her and really want to go back to them," but they never do because of their internal conflict. It's not good for your own state of heart/mind to dwell on it, best to focus on thoughts that drive you forward to becoming the person who you want to be.


----------



## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i'm right there will you all. i don't obsess over it as much as i used to, but i do wonder if he's out having fun and sleeping well, or if he's miserable and hurting. when i saw him last he didn't look well but i'm not sure if that was unhappiness over missing me, or if it was guilt and discomfort over having to talk to me.


----------



## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

DOESN'T MATTER. When you focus on what YOU can control in life, and stop questioning their obviously sick and confusing minds, you'll be much happier.

Shes gone, just let them go. Not interested in being friends after this. WA W/H's jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Now you gotta fly your own plane.


----------



## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

My WAW doesn't appear to care or has had any second thoughts whatsoever.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

The thing is, they have no reason to show you that they care. 

What benefit is it to them? Because when you think about it, they left because they felt it was the best thing to do for themselves.

It has nothing to do about us, as hard as that sounds.

They don't want us grovelling at there feet, they want to be left alone.

Leaving was a decision they made and they will do whatever they need to in order to keep that belief alive.

Instead of thinking, pondering and down right obsessing over what they might be thinking, or "how could they do this.", ask yourself this question.

"If they were to walk through that door right now and show true remorse, what have i done personally to change myself? Have i truly owned my part in all of this?"

The thing is, spending all this time and energy on what ifs is time very well wasted.

I don't know about everyone else, but I met my ex when I had stopped looking.

Before her I was obsessed with a different girl, I tried for months to get her to date me.

After I gave up on it and started to just enjoy myself, 2 months later is when I ran into the ex.

Who says that cannot happen again?

As hard as it is, and as much as it really sucks.. the need to question there motives, thoughts and actions need to be at the very bottom of the list.

There are far more important things in life to be worrying about than one person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

dan7272 said:


> I wander if she feels like me? Ever? Or is she happy all the time after wanting to end a marriage of 13 years and three kids? How can she make it seem so easy?


she isn't happy all the time trust me, you are constantly on her mind just not in a good way all the time, i also have 13 yrs in, read my thread, it'll open your eyes to my journey. she's probably faking it till she makes it, have to become an actor. she can't & won't show you anything, nothing at all till she's ready too, how long separarted


----------



## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I wonder this all of the time, sadly.

My stbxh doesn't love me, doesn't seem to hate me. Im just a person he knows that happens to be the mother of his child. He is civil to me and is willing to talk because of our daughter(who is due any day). I think if I wasn't pregnant, he would never talk to me again.

He is very detached, very nearly emotionless.

And I am in so much pain. It sucks.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dan7272 said:


> I wander if she feels like me? Ever? Or is she happy all the time after wanting to end a marriage of 13 years and three kids? How can she make it seem so easy?


Hi Dan. I'm in the Burgh too.  

I've wondered every day for the past 18 months. It does no good to wonder though. It will only eat away at you. I know its hard to not focus on it when you are hurting so badly but do try to focus on different things when the thoughts pop in your head.

There is a really good Christian based program called Divorce Care located up in Cranberry. It has helped me tremendously. If you would be interested in more information about it, pm me.

Take care.


----------



## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

That's a tough one to explain, still in the same house but living separate lives....three girls from 13 to 4 , is one reason and the legal point of not leaving are the reasons for still being here......its close now we both have lawyers.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi Dan

I can't believe we are neighbors. I actually wonder about other people I see out in public if they are going through anything similar to me. Is their family on the verge of divorce like mine? Others always look so happy. I guess one never knows what others are actually going through.

Hope you have a better day.


----------



## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

I do the same thing, I think there are a lot of couples unhappy but to scared to do anything. Meaning to try or leave . Couples don't know how to work on a marriage they think it just happens like at the beginning if their relationship.....Presque isle.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

dan7272 said:


> I do the same thing, I think there are a lot of couples unhappy but to scared to do anything. Meaning to try or leave . Couples don't know how to work on a marriage they think it just happens like at the beginning if their relationship.....Presque isle.


I agree....I think life gets so busy and the couples dont want to put the extra effort into maintaining the marriage. Its too easy to get set in their ways and then the fire just burns out. People think its easier to start new not realizing all the consequences like finances especially with kids involved and the heartache on the kids. Unless something awful has taken place in a marriage, i do believe with extra effort a marriage can be rekindled but both partners need to want it. 

Ahhh...Presque Isle.

I have been dealing with separation almost 18 months. After keeping it to myself (me and my son) I finally told his teacher the end of last year. I think it was a relief for both my son and myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dan7272 (Jun 24, 2012)

Times of separation and divorce make you think about what had happened......everything is twenty twenty. The emotions, sad , angry, confused the obsession of the situation. And the whole time we don't think its really over...its really become real for me now that I'm looking for a house to buy and she's seeing a lawyer tomorrow.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I think my wife grieved for the last two weeks before she walked away. She got angry, stopped talking to me, slept on the couch and wouldn't even pouring me a cup of coffee when she made her morning one. She just shut herself down.

I saw something coming but did the DR. Phil thing and gave her space. I kept my mouth shut cause men and their mouths can get themselves into more trouble. So I kept quiet.

Now I still wonder a week after she walked away.... Is she thinking of me, is she less angry... does she still love me..

We all do it.


----------



## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm a 7.5 month "veteran" of this process. My WAW separated after wanting to leave three times. She claims is was because she was unhappy, they were were not the right people for each other, and man... believe me... I got a list of all the things that were wrong with me.

I've heard women only leave a marriage after careful consideration. Chances are she started detaching months before she left. Mine did. She said she grieved the marriage before the left the marriage. I didn't see it. Maybe I was stuck in "fix-it" and nice guy mode, trying to be the man she wouldn't leave. 

My ex appeared like the was happy to leave and happy to have left. I was crushed, devastated, suicidal, hit rock bottom and lost. For months all I saw was darkness and it was all I could do just to get through the days. According to friends, my ex was happy to be a strong, independent and single woman. She just wanted to be alone and not longer wanted to be married to me or anyone, and wanted to be free to pursue her career.

So, what's a guy to do? I cried, grieved, sought help, exercised, got invaluable help from TAM members, got IC, read, and took time to heal and grow. Over several months I gradually gained strength. On occasion I would reach out to my ex, who was not interested in reconciliation. I continued to grow.

At the beginning of June, I sent her an email, exploring the possibility of reconciliation one last time. She said she missed our friendship but not being married. I was surprised about how relieved I was. I'd finally gotten closure. I saw the rest of my life ahead of me, and never felt to strong, confident, happy and self-actualized. 

A few days later, this woman reaches out to me. Apparently, mutual friends had told her months earlier that we'd be a great match but to wait since I was still healing. An already long story short, we took things slow, fell in love and are now in a relationship. She is amazing, I am happy and was not looking for nor expecting anyone new in my life. She is the best things to ever happen to me.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Based on a promise, I emailed my ex to let her know I was dating someone. She already figured it out, and in fact was asking friends about this new woman. Then it started.... she panicked, emailing me often, and going through a rough time. TAM people told me this would happen, but I didn't believe it because she was so seemingly happy to leave the marriage, and to leave me. Goes to show no one can escape human nature.

I met with her last week and we talked for hours. It was a good conversation, but difficult to see her in so much pain. I did not want the separation. She did. Now the was feeling the consequences of her decision. This is not to say she wanted to return to me. She said she missed her friend, that he biggest regret was not leaving the marriage the first time... and after hearing she was not in live with me, she was not telling she she was in love with me, but just not enough. 

As fellow TAM member Conrad mentioned, had I know moved on, she probably would not have reacted. Now here she is... hurting, blocked me from Facebook (which I understand), and without her back-up plan and option. I wish her no pain or grief. That said, she is the architect of what she is facing. She has to deal with that.

I would think that all WAW will eventually feel some pain. They should have been more careful what they wished for.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> I'm a 7.5 month "veteran" of this process. My WAW separated after wanting to leave three times. She claims is was because she was unhappy, they were were not the right people for each other, and man... believe me... I got a list of all the things that were wrong with me.
> 
> I've heard women only leave a marriage after careful consideration. Chances are she started detaching months before she left. Mine did. She said she grieved the marriage before the left the marriage. I didn't see it. Maybe I was stuck in "fix-it" and nice guy mode, trying to be the man she wouldn't leave.
> 
> ...


That's all quite interesting Can. It makes me wonder if i should just contact mine and ask him for my papers from his filing to see what happens. After a couple good days, i am here again crying all day. I wonder constantly what he is thinking. I'm physically and mentally exhausted from this ride and just want off before i vomit. I just need to gather the strength now to take the leap. I am so close that i called family court yesterday to have some questions answered.

You seem like a nice guy Can who has been through alot. I hope it all continues to work out well for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I don't know about wives who leave, but both my doctor and my counsellor have told me that the majority of men who leave come to regret it. This may be vindictive of me, but I hope my husband will be one of them. I wouldn't want him to become a sad, defeated old man, but I would like him to feel some of what he has left me feeling. A friend asked me, "Would that make you feel better?'' No, I guess it wouldn't. But I'd still like it to happen.

However, hanging on to what our spouses who have left are doing or feeling is not healthy. Its hard, but I am trying not to do that. I wish you luck doing the same.


----------



## Orange1 (Jul 7, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> I don't know about wives who leave, but both my doctor and my counsellor have told me that the majority of men who leave come to regret it. This may be vindictive of me, but I hope my husband will be one of them. I wouldn't want him to become a sad, defeated old man, but I would like him to feel some of what he has left me feeling. A friend asked me, "Would that make you feel better?'' No, I guess it wouldn't. But I'd still like it to happen.
> 
> However, hanging on to what our spouses who have left are doing or feeling is not healthy. Its hard, but I am trying not to do that. I wish you luck doing the same.


I couldnt agree with you more. Although I know it will be later on down the road when her and her new husband are going through the same issues that most marriages have and shes going to say I probably could have tried more and fixed the first one. Not that i want her to hurt like I am now but would be nice to know she knows she messed up.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I like the way you put that, Orange. I don't want him to hurt like I do, but to know he messed up.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I once had a counselor who asked me with all honesty why I hadn't cheated, as if she were suggesting it.


----------



## Orange1 (Jul 7, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> I like the way you put that, Orange. I don't want him to hurt like I do, but to know he messed up.


Yes, that would be enough for me to be happy. Then even maybe feel like I won even though I dont feel like I am now, she is . . .


----------

