# How does a marriage full of love include an affair!



## Richsan (Apr 18, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3. Out of those 7 years I would say 2 of them have been sour and I was powerless to realize until she took me to a counselor. She hit with the news that she has been having an affair with a co-worker for six months. During this I was in complete shock and sort of paralyze. She mentioned that she ended her affair due to the amount of guilt she felt, she changed her phone number, and stop contact with the co-worker. That day I went home and was sick to my stomach. I was wondering why the person I love would do this to me. The next day after talking to her sister she suggested that we separate and clear our minds. So the following day I’ve tried to find myself…and discovered that I’ve cheated also. Not the kind of cheating she did (affair) but chatting with old friends and these chats did get little out of hand. And while I was a school I would take my wedding ring off to get attention from the women around me. I’ve never slept with a woman because I would always stop myself and realize that I have something more at home. We went to marriage counseling and she made me realize that we both have to change. My issue was my laziness and video games….I would rather do that then to pay attention to my wife. The other issue I had was I didn’t want to work I did not need to because I was a vet for a foreign war and I was getting paid to further my education. 
My wife was left with the burden of over working at her job 40-50 a week as a very stressful social worker and returning home to a husband who was still a child. She told me the affair started because her male co-worker was experiencing the same as her. This separation has made me realize my faults and I’m striving to change myself to save this marriage. It’s been a week into my separation and I’ve sold all of my video games, applied for a part time job while I finish college, and has taken steps to control the bills so I can become an equal. 
Now this is the part where I need help, I keep begging her to return home (she is with her parents), I keep calling her, giving her updates about my life, telling her that I forgive her and I would like for her to return. What she is saying that she is numb and is confused if she wants to save the marriage. She tells me that she is so hurt with herself for what she did and is upset at me for what I did (not being that equal). I promised her that I would change for us that this situation has opened my eyes to what I did. It’s just getting hard cause we were never apart. Oh yeah during this affair the strange part was that she never stopped loving me. It was like we were ok and I did not suspect an affair until she told me. She told me that her working late and going to work early was when she was with him. But she would come home to me and still be that loving wife that I always know. I’m so confused and I hate this separation, I want to be strong. I want to create this post in order to update and hopefully help others to cope with difficulties in being married. Plus I would like support, stories and guidance from others. Thank you.


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## Richsan (Apr 18, 2013)

We are currently seeing a MC and my biggest issue with her is how she can have an affair and still be a loving wife. I'm fighting these emotions of betrayal and if I should end or save my marriage. We have agreed to a 3x a week contact of 15 minutes on the phone. And her issue with me is that she wants me to become a hardworking man and to become an equal with her. I'm guilty of being lazy and not paying attention to the bills and our money and I'm currently working on it. She has somehow became more distant towards me which is sending me mixed signals.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

She cannot be actively involved in an affair and still be a loving wife.

She's telling you that she wants you to be strong.

So stop begging her to come back.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

northland said:


> She cannot be actively involved in an affair and still be a loving wife.
> 
> She's telling you that she wants you to be strong.
> 
> So stop begging her to come back.


Well said...100% agree! 









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Richsan (Apr 18, 2013)

northland said:


> She cannot be actively involved in an affair and still be a loving wife.
> 
> She's telling you that she wants you to be strong.
> 
> So stop begging her to come back.


Northland I agree 100%, perhaps I was blind to see the signs. I've agreed to give her space to work on our issues.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Begging is weak and clingy. Not attractive. If she is to come back she needs to be attracted to you and feel secure. If you are insecure and begging, she can not feel secure. 

What woman would respect a man who begs for her to come back after an affair?

Read up on the 180. But do it for you, not to get her back. She may or may not come back. That is 100% out of your control. But you can improve yourself - showing her you are serious rather than just saying so - and make the thought of coming back more inviting. 

Also, you have no chance of her coming back as long as the affair continues. Is she still in contact with this guy? There are steps you can take to make the affair less enjoyable for them. Investigation. Exposure to those who's opinions she respects, if they are not aware, while asking for help saving your marriage. 

Sure, you did things wrong. But the affair is 100% hers. As long as the posOM is in the picture... you are merely plan B. 

Don't be a doormat.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

posOM likely dumped her.


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## Richsan (Apr 18, 2013)

Zillard Thank you for that information is the 180 a book?. I realized that my actions was pushing her away I just have to show myself that I can do this. She mention to me and the MC that she ended her affair with the OM, she has taken steps to remove him from her life in order to save the marriage (new phone number, no contact). She is currently battling for her soul at the moment because of what she has done. So I guess she needs time to find herself again.

Update: I'm currently reading about the 180, very good information!


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Richsan said:


> Zillard Thank you for that information is the 180 a book?. I realized that my actions was pushing her away I just have to show myself that I can do this. She mention to me and the MC that she ended her affair with the OM, she has taken steps to remove him from her life in order to save the marriage (new phone number, no contact). She is currently battling for her soul at the moment because of what she has done. So I guess she needs time to find herself again.


It comes from the book "Divorce Busting". It is a list of about 34 action items to focus on yourself through this and learn to detach. 

If you love her let her go, type approach. 

It makes sense that the affair is probably over since she did tell you about it. It is good that she has gone no contact with him, but if I were you I would verify before attempting to reconcile. Often the BS (betrayed spouse) has the DS (disloyal spouse) write a letter to the AP (affair partner) telling them it is completely over and there will be NC going forward. Then the BS will mail it to ensure it is done. 

But that time has not yet come and you are currently in the limbo stage - waiting for her to make up her mind. 

It is extremely difficult, but focus on your progress and healing and not her situation. No relationship talk initiated by you. Listen, listen, and listen some more if she initiates discussion. 

Start thinking about what you would require from her in order to take her back. How would she earn back your trust? What would she need to do to show you that? Make a list. These are non-negotiable items necessary to prevent a false R and rug sweeping.

Get to the gym. Start a new hobby or dive back into an old one. Not video games as they were a problem. Work on those issues that you've recognized in yourself. 

And don't beat yourself up when feel down. Acknowledge the feelings of rejection and betrayal. Let yourself feel them. But then pick yourself up and try not to wallow.


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## Richsan (Apr 18, 2013)

Zillard

Thank you for your response, your information is very helpful and I will follow your advice. I have to discover myself!

I will keep you and everyone posted on my progress, once again thank you!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

zillard said:


> It comes from the book "Divorce Busting". It is a list of about 34 action items to focus on yourself through this and learn to detach.
> 
> If you love her let her go, type approach.
> 
> ...


And eventually you'll be in a more neutral frame of mind to decide to continue or stop the marriage.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

the guys have nailed it already. There is nothing you can do on this planet now do to save your marriage.

Everything you do is about making yourself a happy, healthy and attractive person. Do it for you, not for her. It "might" just have the effect of her coming back but you cannot count on it at all.

You can be open to her approaches but don't initiate. It will just push her further away. That "on knees begging" stuff is BS that only works in the movies.

Question time. Why were you so unhappy that you buried yourself in distractions and flirting with other women? Forget all about what you did to make her unhappy for one minute, and figure out why *you* were unhappy.

It wasn't your job to "make her happy. That was her job.
It wasn't her job to "make" you happy, That was your job.

To be happy together you each need to be happy yourself first.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well how could you have been a loving husband if you were taking off your wedding ring to get female attention while your wife worked 50 to 60 hours per week? Once you can answer that you'll know how she could have an affair and still love you. You were having emotional affairs since that nice energy you were spending flirting. with other women was energy you were not spending on your wife. Plenty of blame to go sound here. Regardless, please stop begging. It makes you look like you're still a child that can't live without mommy to take care of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Richsan said:


> Zillard
> 
> Thank you for your response, your information is very helpful and I will follow your advice. I have to discover myself!
> 
> I will keep you and everyone posted on my progress, once again thank you!


Best of luck to you. This royally sucks, I know. But regardless of what happens you can come out the other side a better, happier man. If you want to.

One book that helped me immensely - Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends, by Bruce Fisher.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well how could you have been a loving husband if you were taking off your wedding ring to get female attention while your wife worked 50 to 60 hours per week? Once you can answer that you'll know how she could have an affair and still love you. You were having emotional affairs since that nice energy you were spending flirting. with other women was energy you were not spending on your wife. Plenty of blame to go sound here. Regardless, please stop begging. It makes you look like you're still a child that can't live without mommy to take care of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bang on


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> Bang on


????? Am I being insulted or am I really dense? It has been known to happen.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Richsan (Apr 18, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well how could you have been a loving husband if you were taking off your wedding ring to get female attention while your wife worked 50 to 60 hours per week? Once you can answer that you'll know how she could have an affair and still love you. You were having emotional affairs since that nice energy you were spending flirting. with other women was energy you were not spending on your wife. Plenty of blame to go sound here. Regardless, please stop begging. It makes you look like you're still a child that can't live without mommy to take care of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, I also cheated. I myself have some growing up to do. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> ????? Am I being insulted or am I really dense? It has been known to happen.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all - you're being praised for your excellent post. Bang on = completely on target, aced it, perfect


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> Not at all - you're being praised for your excellent post. Bang on = completely on target, aced it, perfect


Cool, thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Cool, thank you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another step for recovering codependents is to quit worrying about praise from others


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Another step for recovering codependents is to quit worrying about praise from others


Ahh, spoken like a true wise man  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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