# Told her goodbye



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

After giving it a lot of thought, I finally decided that I needed to disengage from my STBEW. I went to her house and we had a long talk about her situation and that I could no longer be her "go-to guy" and that she would have to rely on her friends and family and Doctors, for her care and support, in the future. I told her that I would not be attending the final divorce hearing and that anything she needed to contact me for, she should go through my lawyer, from now on, as I won't be answering her call, texts, or e-mails, but would automatically refer them to her sister or her psychologist. I have decided that I will try not to ever see her again, and close out this chapter of my life, and hers.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! HOORAY!!!!

I know this was not easy for you. I applaud you!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Wise choice BB.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> After giving it a lot of thought, I finally decided that I needed to disengage from my STBEW. I went to her house and we had a long talk about her situation and that I could no longer be her "go-to guy" and that she would have to rely on her friends and family and Doctors, for her care and support, in the future. I told her that I would not be attending the final divorce hearing and that anything she needed to contact me for, she should go through my lawyer, from now on, as I won't be answering her call, texts, or e-mails, but would automatically refer them to her sister or her psychologist. I have decided that I will try not to ever see her again, and close out this chapter of my life, and hers.


Good choice, IMO. 

I think when a person breaks your trust, it's time to move on. 

You can't have a marriage without trust. Trust is what distinguishes a marriage from a simple friendship. 

Also, by not divorcing a cheating spouse, we are only reinforcing bad behavior. 

here is a link to a science daily article that supports that statement. 

It's titled "Are you teaching people to treat you badly"

Are You Teaching People to Treat You Badly? | Psychology Today


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

what was her reaction?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I cannot tell you how much easier no contact has made this for me. Good luck.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You traveled a hard road. I have seen here on TAM that when WS's have MH issues it makes it harder for the BS's to leave. I followed your posts and remember two others in similar situations. One waited till his wife was stable and then filed for D. She tried to kill herself after D-day. Most of us get it. There is still compassion even when they caused the pain. At some point the drama becomes too much.

By having no direct contact with her hopefully will make it easier. Bear in mind that your decision will not ease your pain. I believe you made the right decision. Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I realize that was very difficult for you, and I applaud your courage and your grace in letting her know ahead of time so that she has a chance to prepare herself mentally and emotionally. 

Now for a time you may mourn the loss. Even with the betrayal and her ongoing issues, the truth of the matter is that you lost a marriage and someone for whom you cared deeply. Furthermore, you seem to be a man of honor and from what I observed you were willing to endure great hurt to yourself in order to try to help her. I suggest you take a little time, reflect and acknowledge any sorrow you may feel--maybe by having a symbolic funeral and "laying it to rest"--and then move forward into a NEW life of peace, love and mature intimacy with someone who can mutually participate with you. :smthumbup: 

Well done, soldier.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Complexity said:


> what was her reaction?


I made sure that her support network was in place before I told her and she took it quite well, considering. Of course she cried a lot and begged me to reconsider, but she realizes that it's over and that she cannot get any better while still clinging to me.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> I realize that was very difficult for you, and I applaud your courage and your grace in letting her know ahead of time so that she has a chance to prepare herself mentally and emotionally.
> 
> Now for a time you may mourn the loss. Even with the betrayal and her ongoing issues, the truth of the matter is that you lost a marriage and someone for whom you cared deeply. Furthermore, you seem to be a man of honor and from what I observed you were willing to endure great hurt to yourself in order to try to help her. I suggest you take a little time, reflect and acknowledge any sorrow you may feel--maybe by having a symbolic funeral and "laying it to rest"--and then move forward into a NEW life of peace, love and mature intimacy with someone who can mutually participate with you. :smthumbup:
> 
> Well done, soldier.


Well, AC, I can go forward with the knowlege that I did the best that I could for her and followed the "golden rule", as much as any man could, under the circumstances. Just before I left, her therapist took me aside and told me that she thought that I behaved better than any other spouse she has worked with. I even got a call from her Mom (who I despise) thanking me for being so good to her daughter. I, at least, can take this with me. My new gf thinks I'm the BEST!!! She said that for a "bad boy", how could I be so good. LOL.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

Badblood : 
I just read your story and I just want to congratulate you for the way you have closed the divorce.Your story was extremely inspirational .


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's good to hear that everyone is in the 'place' where they need to be to attend to their own needs, both physically and spiritually. Your STBEW is in a better place, when she needs help she won't be confused or 'iffy' about where to go/what to do/who to ask. Boundary setting is a very kind thing to do, it makes others feel so much more secure not just in that one thing, but in life and the world in general.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Good luck.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

GTA06 said:


> Badblood :
> I just read your story and I just want to congratulate you for the way you have closed the divorce.Your story was extremely inspirational .


I didn't do anything , inspirational, but thanks for the vote of confidence.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's good to hear that everyone is in the 'place' where they need to be to attend to their own needs, both physically and spiritually. Your STBEW is in a better place, when she needs help she won't be confused or 'iffy' about where to go/what to do/who to ask. Boundary setting is a very kind thing to do, it makes others feel so much more secure not just in that one thing, but in life and the world in general.


HNU, I think that once I clearly understood the dynamics of my situation, I was better able to make some informed decisions concerning it. In reality, there were several dynamics involved. Her affair, her emotional/mental health, MY emotional condition and , of course, the divorce. Once I had my ducks in progression, I was able to act, decisively on each dynamic, in it's proper turn. For example, once I decided that R wasn't going to happen, then I was able to be supportive of her, without commiting to it. It takes a LOT of time and work, but I think I'm over the hump now.:smthumbup:


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