# Hit by a truck



## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

This is how I feel today.


It feels as if you wanted something desperately and I was standing in your way. You had a choice, you could either push me in the way of an oncoming lane of traffic with a speeding truck coming straight down it. You decided that you needed the object of your desire so much that you decided to push me in front of that speeding truck. Maybe you thought you could push me past the truck, or push me out of the way and not into the truck, either way, it was an acceptable risk to you.

So you pushed me and you went to get what you desired. You pushed me directly in front of the speeding truck and it hit me. It didn't kill me, what it did was tear my life apart, it broke every bone in my body, it messed me up mentally and physically and the pain is excruciating, it left me with pain that I will feel the rest of my life, it made me feel worthless that I was worth the risk of this, so that you could have something that you wanted. 

Now, you are the only one that can heal me, you alone hold the medicine and cure that will relieve me of some of this pain, you are the only one that holds the key to the question of weather my life will ever be enjoyable again in this marriage. Most of the time you try to do your best to heal me, but there are times when you either forget to give me my medicine and I suffer for it, or times when you decide I don't need a certain medicine and you don't give it to me, even though I've asked for it and there are the times you've lied to me and told me you already gave me the medication when you hadn't. Every time that you do either of those things, either by mistake, carelessness or intention, I am the one that pays the price with my pain and suffering.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Saying the WS is the only one who can heal you is just asking for a lifetime of pain and suffering.

Take control and make YOU responsible for you.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Yep. She can't heal you. She can help you, but you have to take the initiative. And sometimes that means kicking the cause of your afflictions to the curb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Hope, although Canadian, gives great advice

You are in charge of your life. You can chose to be happy or not. There are good and bad things in your life every day. Choose to focus on the good things. When your mind wants to wander to the bad, don't let it!

Get sunlight on your face and exercise daily. This helps with any depression.

This pity me crap... Stop that. God gave you the amazing gift of life, now go out and remember that you were meant to do amazing things so go find one and do it. Chug a liter of soda and see if you can burp the entire alphabet or something amazing like that.

Have a wonderful holiday season and remember there are people in the world who love you so let them know you love them back.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

DeterminedToThrive said:


> Now, *you are the only one that can heal me, you alone hold the medicine and cure that will relieve me of some of this pain*, you are the only one that holds the key to the question of weather my life will ever be enjoyable again in this marriage. Most of the time you try to do your best to heal me, but there are times when you either forget to give me my medicine and I suffer for it, or times when you decide I don't need a certain medicine and you don't give it to me, even though I've asked for it and there are the times you've lied to me and told me you already gave me the medication when you hadn't. Every time that you do either of those things, either by mistake, carelessness or intention, I am the one that pays the price with my pain and suffering.



Now the bold above is sad to see. Who taught you that others are responsible for your happiness or for anything else? I can see that if you are a toddler or teenager. 

I know my statement is harsh but I think you do need to drastically switch your perspective.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DeterminedToThrive said:


> This is how I feel today.
> 
> 
> It feels as if you wanted something desperately and I was standing in your way. You had a choice, you could either push me in the way of an oncoming lane of traffic with a speeding truck coming straight down it. You decided that you needed the object of your desire so much that you decided to push me in front of that speeding truck. Maybe you thought you could push me past the truck, or push me out of the way and not into the truck, either way, it was an acceptable risk to you.
> ...


If that's the case, you need to change doctors. Or at least get second opinion.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

DeterminedToThrive said:


> This is how I feel today.
> 
> 
> It feels as if you wanted something desperately and I was standing in your way. You had a choice, you could either push me in the way of an oncoming lane of traffic with a speeding truck coming straight down it. You decided that you needed the object of your desire so much that you decided to push me in front of that speeding truck. Maybe you thought you could push me past the truck, or push me out of the way and not into the truck, either way, it was an acceptable risk to you.
> ...


Life by your username and you will be fine in time

Start the 180 now

55


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Everybody jumped on the "Only you can heal me" and analogy if you please

Do you ask the snake after it's bit you if it can heal you

Do you ask someone that's just smacked you in the face, if they can take the pain away in that instance

Do you blame the relentless bad news in the media or print for your unhappiness?

Who is responsible for your well being? When did you cede your own upkeep to someone else?

The sentiments of the poem are understood, and kudos for you for getting it out of your system and expressing yourself. But they reveal more about your inner self than you may have thought.

She cannot heal you. She could pretend to do all the right things but really not have changed at heart..

then again

She might be remorseful, do everything to show you she's really sorry and she cares but one day stay out late not call and you're back to square one.

What is the common denominator.. she's doing all the work, it's all on her but your state of mind hasn't really shifted since D'day.

The healing always starts with you. Always.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I agree with the others...while being betrayed by your spouse certainly feels like getting hit by a truck...relying on him to heal you and save you is misplaced. All you have to do is release him, say you owe me nothing, and then move on with your life. This may not be they way you are used to doing things...but looking to your spouse to be responsible to define your happiness and to set the balance is wrong. Read the books _Boundaries_ and _Boundaries in Marriage_. Also read _Love Must Be Tough_.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I can't agree with Formerself more. It has to come from in your soul. It's hard but you have to push through it. Get with a support group or counselling of some sort to help you. You can do this but you must have inner strength all the time. 
Good luck.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

First of all, we Canadians are awesome, eh! 

And I remember using that analogy though I described it as my soul being hit by a truck. I agree that most healing must come from you. I'm learning that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Not sure what happened, only part of my orig post showed up.

A little background: Found out 2 months ago my husb of over 30 years had an emotional affair. There was a particularly hurtful piece of trickle truth that fell this past weekend. There have been ups and downs this last 2 months but this particular piece of the truth cut to the bone. 

My husb struggles with understanding the depth of my pain. Today was the first day after the Holiday and the time of the last disclosure, that I've allowed myself to feel the pain of that last info. My OP was in context of how the trickle truth is killing me. The truth, is the medicine I need to process and survive this. When the truth is withheld (even because he knows it will hurt me), I suffer. If he forgets to tell me about some unavoidable contact with the OW, I suffer. 

Yes, I can heal without him but I can't heal this marriage without him. 

Most days, I put my big girl panties on and I push through the day, however, today, I felt crappy and I allowed myself to feel the pain.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

No more marriage should define you.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Piece by piece disclosure in trickle truth is traumatic with each new bit of info...and his subsequent run-ins with affair partner will have you re-experience pain as well. Just feels awful each time. Sorry you are going through this.

Don't know the situation you are facing...but full-disclosure is a MUST...but not sure why H keeps running into AP...small town? Same work? Whatever it is...any way that he can control NOT seeing this woman again is a MUST, too! These are areas you must be able to put your foot down...and he has to accept that you may be angry or devastated. He is not withholding for your sake...he isn't telling you to protect himself. He has to understand that YEAH there are consequences for cheating! And YEAH you have the plumb-right to leave him over it...but guess what?! you also have the right to leave him if he continues to lie or not tell you everything. Just know you have more power than you think you do...and start exercising it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

trickle is the worst - it really shows you how little respect they have 

In terms of healing your are right that honesty can help you do that and maybe from him but you need to prioritize

YOU heal yourself now or start and try to and later when you can see the wood for the trees you may get something back in terms of honesty and healing from your wayward 


- but don't count on it


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Trickle truth is indeed horrendous. Each incident sets you back in healing. I don't believe the BS are trying to protect their spouse, they're trying to protect themselves from having to admit the truth, plain and simple. Yes that truth causes pain to the faithful partner, but the BS made that decision when they committed the act, not when they decided to be truthful about it.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

michzz said:


> saying your cheating spouse is the only one who can heal you is like telling the bear trap that it's the only thing that can cure your pain.
> 
> remove yourself from the bear trap and you will heal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi michzz, my OP was in context to trickle truth and the need to know the details of what happened during the A. 

Perhaps some people don't feel the need for the truth about what happened during the A but I do. I can not process this whole mess unless I know what I'm dealing with and to know that, I need the truth, ALL of it. Maybe it's just me, but I want to know every detail he can remember, including what he believes is benign information. 

An example is, a conversation he had with the OW that to him was insignificant, just two friends talking. To me, I see it differently, I see things in the conversation that he didn't pick up on. I understand what a woman means when she tells how sorry the men in her life are and that she just needs to find a good guy and how much she dreams of finding a good guy and that she would leave her boyfriend in a second if she could find a good man. This was right after him telling her the story of how we met over 30 years ago and that I had a 4 yr old son at the time that he's raised as his own. To me, she was saying, "I need to find a good guy like you, I'd be willing to leave my bf for a good guy LIKE YOU (hint, hint)"

So, what I meant was, tell me everything and I mean everything that you remember and allow me to decide if it's insignificant or not.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

michzz said:


> making rational sense of the irrational hardly is useful.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are so right, it will never make sense no matter what he says. 

But, I still need the truth, all of it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

DeterminedToThrive said:


> You are so right, it will never make sense no matter what he says.
> 
> But, I still need the truth, all of it.


Completely understandable, most BS can relate to this. But those of us who have spent significant amounts of time seeking the whole truth can tell you: you will never get it. At least not until you create a situation in which the WS has nothing left to lose (such as an impending divorce). Check out this great post by Mrs_Mathias on why a WS withholds the truth: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...le-truth-if-ever-post5658921.html#post5658921


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) The marriage you had is toast. It's gone. It's over. Kaput.
2) You will never get the whole truth. Even if you do, you will always - ALWAYS - wonder if there's more.

The first thing you need to do is decide if you even want to try to R.

If YOU do, then you need to see if he does. If he does, then there are a whole lotta things he MUST do. He should start by grovelling at your feet. He must become completely transparent. He must WANT to do this. He must WANT you to have the truth. He must answer all your questions with an attitude of remorse and because he wants to help you heal. If he doesn't want to help you heal, forget it.

I see far, far too many BS's on here who are desperate to 'save their marriage' and allow the WS to keep barriers up. You MUST be willing to let go - of him, of your marriage - because if you aren't he will sense this and use it against you.

In 2-5 years you may feel comfortable with him again, enough so that things are far better between you. but this will never happen if you allow him to continue to hold the cards.


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