# drawing the line in the sand



## big.guy4223 (May 3, 2012)

So, I have been reading this website for some time now. My story goes like this - 

My wife and I have been together since 2001, dated 2001-2005 (some break ups) nothing to extensive. Upon being married in April 2005, we learned we were pregnant in August 2005. Our son was born March 2006. It was stressful to say the least as we worked opposite shifts and needed to have child care from 10pm-2am. Stinks, but we made it work. We had a house we tried to flip and it was a dump. We ended up selling it and building the house of our dreams. 

We had some small fights over stupid things, nothing too bad, and nothing physical. We always worked through them. 

Upon moving into our new house, we had our second child in 2008. Things were great leading into 2009. 

In August of 2009, my wife's father was diagnosed with a terrible disease that took a toll on my wife. I was stressed with the kids, work and other things. I realized now I was not really there for my wife, emotionally as she pointed out to me later. I do not disagree with her. 

Well, why I wasn't there for her, a co-worker was. While I was away at training, he seemed to fit her needs emotionally, calling all the time, checking on her etc. We had a fight in August of 2009, where I slammed my fist down on a table. It scared her and me. 

When I came home in October of 2009, she served me with divorce papers. I moved out and later started snooping. The co-workers phone number was all over the place, hundreds of texts and phone calls. She said they were just friends and he was her sounding board. She first refused to go to counseling because she asked me in August and I didn't want too as I thought it wouldn't work. 

In the beginning of December of 2009, she agreed to go to counseling. However, I got into her Facebook account and found the following email to the co-worker.

'I am going to get through the holidays and continue on my path. I am going to go to a marriage counselor and an individual counselor. I am going to be completely honest with the individual counselor as for the marriage counselor; if I tell them about you I will be completely screwed. I can't say it won't happen but I hope I can get through it without spilling my guts. I am not good at hiding things. It would be easier if I just did tell (me) then it would just be over"

When I found this email, I was devastated. I confronted her and she went crazy, that she can't trust me, I snooped, I am a bad person etc., etc. She denied anything physical, I did not believe her. She did not want to go to counseling together after that. 

Well, I let go, I moved on and 5 days before the final D hearing, she called me back and wanted to work on it. We went to counseling and came up with an excuse for every sentence. I still did not believe her but wanted too. She said it was an emotional affair. I am no fool; I know what happened...I do love my wife and wanted my family to be together. I forgave and forgot...she promised she would not speak to him anymore even though they worked together. We got back together at the end of January 2010. 

The last 2 years have been great, until this past January where she was caught texting the neighbors husband as he was going through a tough time with his wife. Apparently, again, lines were crossed by texts. I have spoken with the wife and her story coincides with my wife's. Of course my wife, downplays it like it was the guys fault, again, I know, I want to believe her but I don't. She wanted to go to marriage counseling and I agreed, of course we never went. Why??? I have no idea. 

April 3, my wife told me things were great when I asked and she asked me if I was happy. I told her I had needs not being met, such as sex, emotion and affection etc. She came back and said she was not happy. She told me that it was her, not me. That it was like a switch was turned off inside of her that made her not want to have sex with me. That she saw how hard I was trying and that what makes it so hard. That is I was an *******, she would move on, but I am not. We both agreed we needed some space and I have since moved out. 

We went to marriage counseling two times. I want to work on our marriage and she is not optimistic and does not want to give me false hope. After a fight, she told me she no longer wants to go. She further says she does not see this working out but is afraid to be alone and does not want to divorce mother of two. She said she does not want to file or talk to a lawyer because she is not there yet. She said she needs space. 

This past week, I got a text from her saying she would go back to marriage counseling in a few weeks, she just needs time. 

Well while at my old house today, the one I moved out of, I found the first guys phone number (the one the email was written to) on the house phone. I am so done; I have drawn the line in the sand. I don't think I can trust her...I don't trust her. I am writing her a letter with this month’s child support telling her I have drawn the line. Her talking with him is a deal breaker in my book. I would still work on this, but you think this letter is going to push her the other way? I know if I ask her, she will blow up at me. Any advice? I am in IC and any books to help me with this? Looking for suggestions on what you would do, I am sure you would all run the other way.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I need time is almost always code for, I want to try out another relationship, but keep you as back up.

Don't accept ever being a backup.

Advice, I would verify the meeting up if you can and then expose the cheatng to friends and family and the finally file for D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

The story is always the same!
"You're a great guy, a terrific father."
"It's not you, it's me."

I feel the problem with dealing with spouses who have cheated is that even if they are making an effort, not contacting the other person, doing the hard work to be trusted, etc the fact is they have been with somebody else, had the taste of new love/passion/sex. As soon as something goes wrong, you not showing the right amount of affection, making her feel controlled/sad, not satisfying all her needs they start thinking about the other person. I'm a firm believer that whenever someone hears the "I need space, I'm not happy speech, something is up. It seems likely that when your wive said she wasn't happy she had gotten in contact with her co-worker again and that's why you found his # on the house phone. 

I suggest finding out more but looks like your wife can't be trusted. She cheated, liked it and now wants to be with OM while keeping you on hold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## big.guy4223 (May 3, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> The story is always the same!
> "You're a great guy, a terrific father."
> "It's not you, it's me."
> 
> ...


I agree 100% with both you. I'm so done. I'm certainly not going to make her my priority when I'm an option to her. I'm just discouraged and dissappointed in her. It's crape.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Big,

Just look at the number of times she's let you down. You are the back-up plan "she does not see this working out but is afraid to be alone and does not want to divorce mother of two"

Time to cut your losses on tis one and run. You'll never be able to trust her again. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over her shoulders?


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## big.guy4223 (May 3, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Big,
> 
> Just look at the number of times she's let you down. You are the back-up plan "she does not see this working out but is afraid to be alone and does not want to divorce mother of two"
> 
> Time to cut your losses on tis one and run. You'll never be able to trust her again. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over her shoulders?


I agree. I am not a door mat and she doesn't respect me. I am so fed up with her bs. It makes me sick. I wrote her a letter with the facts I have and I will be giving it to her tomorrow. I am so sick of it. I will never be someone's back up plan again. Do I wish I could R, yes. Do I think it's possible, that would be a lot of work. I'm not there yet emotionally to file, but she cant have her cake and eat it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Since you are seperated, do you thinks he is bringing in some other man?

I don't think you should give out your source's, just tell her you know or you hired a PI.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Will she want to screw you in the divorce financially, otherwise ... If so, gather as much info as you can to help your case. Don't let your emotions control your actions here (this is very important). Have to think straight and follow the advice given to you here. Unfortunately, we are experts in these messed up situations.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Big, verify for divorce, but don't expose before. Even if you are in a no-fault jurisdiction, it will play a factor in the division of property/custody etc. And most definitely insist that no strange men come to the house while the children are there. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.


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## big.guy4223 (May 3, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Big, verify for divorce, but don't expose before. Even if you are in a no-fault jurisdiction, it will play a factor in the division of property/custody etc. And most definitely insist that no strange men come to the house while the children are there. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.


Do I think she's on the fence, yes! Do I think she wants to screw me financially, no! All of our stuff has pretty much been divided. I don't care about the house, it's property, I can get new stuff. Last time, it was a big wake up call when she was going to put up 65k to refinance me off of it. I think that is the only reason she wanted me back. The only way she is going to screw me is if she keeps or plans on hooking up with him. 

Do I want this to work out, I wish I could answer that. Would I take her back, can't answer that either. My big thing is she won't admit the PA and minimizes it by saying it was emotional. She has to be honest with herself before she's honest with me. I know the other guy, he used to be a friend. 39 years old, never been married and built a house across the street from his parents. Weird???? Yes

I'm leaving her a letter tomorrow as I'm taking the kids to my patents house. The letter tells her how I feel, she obviously doesn't respect me as a husband by reconnecting with him. I am not going to reveal how I know. I also said I'm done and this was the final straw, I will never be disrespected again as I have drawn the line in the sand. 

I further told her I'm taking the kids 50/50 and I've divided up our mutual checking account. 

In the mean time, I'm doing a complete 180, no contact over the phone, only emails about schedules regarding the kids. Unless its an emergency. As of last night, 1 text and one email. I will find out the truth this time....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

big.guy4223 said:


> Do I think she's on the fence, yes! Do I think she wants to screw me financially, no! All of our stuff has pretty much been divided. I don't care about the house, it's property, I can get new stuff. Last time, it was a big wake up call when she was going to put up 65k to refinance me off of it. I think that is the only reason she wanted me back. The only way she is going to screw me is if she keeps or plans on hooking up with him.
> 
> Do I want this to work out, I wish I could answer that. Would I take her back, can't answer that either. My big thing is she won't admit the PA and minimizes it by saying it was emotional. She has to be honest with herself before she's honest with me. I know the other guy, he used to be a friend. 39 years old, never been married and built a house across the street from his parents. Weird???? Yes
> 
> ...


Do not leave her a letter. Gather your proof quietly. Meet with an attorney and prepare to file for divorce. Take legal action to keep other man / men away from your kids. Look out for yours and your kids interests first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with Inmygut

Leave the letters for later if you still feel that way (like after the divorce decree)

Educate yourself on the law and gather more evidence. any chance to put a VAR in her car?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Big, an affair is an affair whether its emotional or physical. Her justification is weak, and probably a lie.
I know it hurts


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