# If you found a VAR...



## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

This is just a hypothetical question that rattles around in my head anytime I see the "get a VAR" advice on infidelity threads.

Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected.

How would you react? What would you do?


I'm not trying to set up a case for right or wrong reactions, I'm just wondering how different people would handle it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Laugh, confront, laugh, talk, and laugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I would be super pissed off. Not much really pisses me off but one thing that does is being accused of something I did not do. Add to that the deception, spying and invasion of privacy, well let's just say that it would possibly be the end of the relationship.
Weak, paranoid men are a turn off.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Flame war in 3... 2... 1...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

If I found out my partner was recording my private conversations, and I didn't feel it was justified, I would probably see red. I'm not sure I could stay with someone who would violate my privacy like that without a good reason. I could see it if I was spending a lot of time with other guys or something like that. But if his reason was more like "You seem distant lately, so I was worried", we'd probably be done. Trust is a very big deal to me, and after that I wouldn't feel trust on either side.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

OpenWindows said:


> This is just a hypothetical question that rattles around in my head anytime I see the "get a VAR" advice on infidelity threads.
> 
> Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected.
> 
> How would you react? What would you do?


If I'm not cheating, and I'm not... nothing to worry about, day as normal... starting thinking about what I've scrrewed up in my marriage that my partner thinks I'm emotionally or physically abandoning their needs.

...unless I'm in a humorous mood, then I might put together a recording from the "FBI" or "Mafia" or practice my karoke with some drunken mates... (and then do the deep thinking)


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OpenWindows said:


> This is just a hypothetical question that rattles around in my head anytime I see the "get a VAR" advice on infidelity threads.
> 
> Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected.
> 
> ...


I'd leave the number of my lawyer on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't have anything to hide. I'd have the time of my life with the bs I'd say now that I knew it was in there, though.😋
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Actually, I could have some fun w/ this.

I could sing "Fields of Gold" and "You Are My Sunshine" (both are kind of "our song") really loudly or maybe get a buddy to call me so I could say things like...

"Look, I'm flattered and all, but I'm married. Plus I'm SUPER in love with my wife. So no thanks."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> If I found out my partner was recording my private conversations, and *I didn't feel it was justified*, I would probably see red. I'm not sure I could stay with someone who would violate my privacy like that without a good reason. I could see it if I was spending a lot of time with other guys or something like that. But if his reason was more like "You seem distant lately, so I was worried", we'd probably be done. Trust is a very big deal to me, and after that I wouldn't feel trust on either side.


The part in bold is key, by the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I hadn't thought of this at first, but I talk to myself A LOT while I'm alone in the car. I have entire conversations with myself while I'm driving down the road. There would also be lots of passionate but horrible radio sing-a-longs.

He would probably decide I was crazy and leave me anyway! :rofl:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He can look through my phone, computer, records but if I found a VAR it would be over.

For one, I agree it would seem weak to me. Would also just make me lose all trust in him at all.
I do deserve private conversations, the people who are speaking to me deserve privacy as well. 
The clients at my job, which deals with health, deserve privacy.

It's serious stuff, I wouldn't be able to be with someone like that.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I am by nature a trusting person. Sometimes it has hurt me but mostly it hasn't.
I had opened a thread in July to discuss this male coworker calling my wife on the commute back home. He had started calling every evening at one point. A lot of people here began to forcefully recommend a VAR. I felt that a VAR was too extreme, I talked to my wife about it and she agreed and that was it. I checked phone logs every day for some time, then once a week and now very rarely.

I don't want to get to the stage where I am paranoid about my wife talking to other men. That would drive me crazy and I would feel like less of a man. My wife is pretty, has maintained herself by eating well and exercising and looks awesome in office wear. I know for a fact that guys will look and be attracted. Heck, I am attracted to some pretty ladies in the office. Doesn't mean that I do anything about it. So I let her wear whatever she wants (I know she is responsible) and I don't check on her because I know she isn't cheating (and because she isn't a child).

I think a VAR should be used only i extreme cases where you are almost sure that your partner is cheating. If you are caught, then it can damage the relationship. I surely would be pissed.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I wouldn't do anything to the VAR.

I wouldn't disclose knowing about it to my husband.

I would purchase a wire tap detector and a white noise generator audio jammer because where there's one, there's bound to be more.

I would document it's existence with photographs (possibly show close family) for future use as proof towards psychosis

AND finally I would hire a lawyer and have him served with divorce papers, all without saying a word to him because ya know......two can play at the secret, secret game.

If someone doubts their spouse to the point they feel the need to use voice activated recorders and hidden cameras, then the relationship is pretty much over in my book.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I wouldn't do or say anything different. Just leave it there to put his mind at ease lol


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Not really sure what I would do, options include:

buy a VAR of my own
talk to my wife, who is a worrier
wonder when I bought a purse. Maybe she thinks I'm gay. >


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would feel like I did not even know him.

What a total trust breaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would totally have fun with it. Maybe make her think I was having a homosexual affair or have some foreign language appear so she had to hire a translator to figure out what is going on.

But would also be calling a lawyer. That would be a deal breaker. Paranoid people are annoying and this is over the top. And I am someone firmly in the camp of open transparency.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

So pretty much it's ok in everyone's eyes to so it if you suspect your spouse is cheating, unless of course it's done to you. Double standard a much.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Finding a VAR would be better than being accused of cheating. There would be nothing on it other than maybe (in the past) a session of me talking to myself saying "WTF is her problem, why doesn't she want to be intimate??"

When HIPPA rules first came out, lady kept calling asking for me, not telling wife who she was or why she was calling. I was accused of cheating. Finally, I was home when she called, I put phone on speaker so wife could hear conversation.

How does one prove you are NOT cheating? 

My wife had lots of issues from previous relationship and made a lot of accusations. I finally got pissed and told her "Look, I would NEVER cheat on you, if I get to the point of being tempted, I would divorce you, get my head straightened out for a year or two, then start dating."

She was mad at me, but she hasn't accused me anymore either.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It shows suspicion. No more. 

I would be angry, then calm down very quickly. Then I would turn the Transylvanian dwarf porn I was watching on my computer to silent. 

Reconsider why this would have been suspected and what is suspected. 

Confront after coming to conclusions.


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## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

It would not bother me at all. I have nothing to hide. It would actually flatter me because it would show me that she cared and was afraid of losing me. I would also have fun with it later.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, I've always said that I would sing Fat Bottomed Girls 3 times a day until it disappeared. My singing is pretty bad, could cause emotional scaring. I would be a hypocrite if I ended the relationship over it. I've always offered and expected total transparency. Fortunately my business has no sensitive secrets. I did have a volunteer position once that required me to keep certain things secret. I hated it. I didn't get married to be alone. 

Now there are things I would split the relationship over. Abuse, withdrawal of affection / intimacy, Those are my big deal breakers. Suspicion not so much, I really wish she payed enough attention to suspect.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I would not assume my wife had planted it, but I would be extremely angry at whoever had. If it was my wife, I would have a conversation. I would tell here that I would save her the trouble of ever spying on me again, and that I would answer any question she asked absolutely truthfully. then I would give her a choice of trusting me or divorce. Evidence of spying again would result in divorce. 

But I know my wife very well and it is not something she would do.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

OpenWindows said:


> Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected. How would you react? What would you do?


Well, she would have a LOT of audio to sift through. When I'm home alone, I talk to the cats pretty much non-stop. 

I would probably be really pissed off. And then I would want to manipulate the situation so that I owned it. I would get a female friend to sit with me in the car and read from a script in which it sounded like we were having a tumultuous affair. Then, at the very end, I would say something like, "This was a test of the voice-activated recording device that you so thoughtfully chose to hide. Had this been an actual affair, we would have been a lot less obvious about it."

I dislike the constant suggestions I see about people using recording devices on their spouses. Is the purpose to establish irrefutable evidence with which to confront someone? To establish evidence for the court during a divorce? Or just a sneaky way of catching someone in the act?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Quigster said:


> Is the purpose to establish irrefutable evidence with which to confront someone? To establish evidence for the court during a divorce? Or just a sneaky way of catching someone in the act?


Yes, yes (where applicable), _maybe_ (though hopefully not).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

OpenWindows said:


> This is just a hypothetical question that rattles around in my head anytime I see the "get a VAR" advice on infidelity threads.
> 
> Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected.
> 
> ...


If I found a VAR I wouldn't be bothered by it, but I'd talk to the DH about it. He'd have to be pretty concerned to go as far as buying a device and installing it to retrieve later. It'd be a "Hey, what's wrong? What's got you so worried?" talk.

I certainly wouldn't view it as an invasion of privacy because we're, by standards I've seen on relationship forums, extremely open with each other.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Just to note: I would be more upset by my wife planting a VAR on me than I would by discovering that she had had an affair.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I used snooping on my ex fiancés phone to find stuff that showed me her character. My gut told me she had crap boundaries and 

So I do have to wonder, given this was a hypothetical question, as to how many VARs are used and there was zero issue to be concerned about. I bet many cases they just becomes tools of confirmation rather than just out of the blue tools for spying. 

I would hope my gf/fiancé/wife would be talking to me if I was doing something to be suspicious before having to resort to using a VAR. I would not care about the VAR, but I would want to know why and then resolve it. If after talking and the VAR kept popping up, etc then that would be a problem.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

OpenWindows said:


> If I found out my partner was recording my private conversations, and I didn't feel it was justified, I would probably see red. I'm not sure I could stay with someone who would violate my privacy like that without a good reason. I could see it if I was spending a lot of time with other guys or something like that. But if his reason was more like "You seem distant lately, so I was worried", we'd probably be done. Trust is a very big deal to me, and after that I wouldn't feel trust on either side.


For me, it wouldn't bother me a bit. I don't usually have any conversations or say anything to anyone else, privately or otherwise, that I wouldn't feel comfortable saying in front of or to my wife. The only thing I wouldn't want heard would be present planning, and if she did hear that, well she ruined her surprise.

I trust that my wife does not have any mental illness, so my assumption would be that something was off in our relationship for her to go to that measure, and I would try to figure out what it was.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> For me, it wouldn't bother me a bit. I don't usually have any conversations or say anything to anyone else, privately or otherwise, that I wouldn't feel comfortable saying in front of or to my wife. The only thing I wouldn't want heard would be present planning, and if she did hear that, well she ruined her surprise.


To me, it's more about the idea that they are constantly secretly eavesdropping. It feels like disregarding my boundaries. Also, I don't think our relationship makes him entitled to hear my best friend discussing her marital issues, or me talking to myself in the car as I work through my own issues. When I'm alone, i verbalize a lot of my thoughts, especially when I'm upset. A hidden VAR is basically a direct feed into my brain, and the thought of someone listening to that without my knowledge is kind of frightening to me.

But that's just my opinion.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> For me, it wouldn't bother me a bit. I don't usually have any conversations or say anything to anyone else, privately or otherwise, that I wouldn't feel comfortable saying in front of or to my wife. The only thing I wouldn't want heard would be present planning, and if she did hear that, well she ruined her surprise.


None of my conversations are things I wouldn't say in front of H. Even if it's someone else talking to me, if it is interesting enough I'll talk about it to him later. 

But that's my choice, my privacy. He doesn't get to decide that for me. It's controlling, unhealthy and weak. 

I would also leave over examining my underwear, watching and examining my routine (when I use the bathroom after work, etc), examining my body for marks. Or general spying that goes on for any more than a simple phone record check or an internet history look through. 

Sure, you're feeling a little worried. Take your 10 minutes and verify I'm not cheating. 

If it became a thing where he's watching or listening to my every move for hints of an affair, there would never be any respect for him again.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I understand the reflex defensive reaction, but unless there was some kind of mental illness at play, I would assume that my partner had some reason to do it, and I would open up that discussion with them. That's not to say that I would not become angry and offended during the discussion, but I would give them the benefit of the doubt to begin with.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> None of my conversations are things I wouldn't say in front of H. Even if it's someone else talking to me, if it is interesting enough I'll talk about it to him later.
> 
> *But that's my choice, my privacy.* He doesn't get to decide that for me. It's controlling, unhealthy and weak.
> 
> ...


And see, I feel like I made that choice when I married her.

I also agree with the sentiments you have here, but what you are describing are things that go way beyond, and further down the road than simply finding a VAR. Also, chances are, again, assuming no mental illness, there would likely be other indicators of something amiss in the relationship long before a VAR was found. It is unlikely that finding a VAR would happen in a vacuum.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

OpenWindows said:


> To me, it's more about the idea that they are constantly secretly eavesdropping. It feels like disregarding my boundaries. Also, I don't think our relationship makes him entitled to hear my best friend discussing her marital issues, or me talking to myself in the car as I work through my own issues. When I'm alone, i verbalize a lot of my thoughts, especially when I'm upset. A hidden VAR is basically a direct feed into my brain, and the thought of someone listening to that without my knowledge is kind of frightening to me.
> 
> But that's just my opinion.


See, I don't have boundaries like that with my DH. Your way of thinking here is interesting to me. 

DH is welcome to root around in my head anytime he wants to, even if I don't know about it at the time, providing he can find the means.

Now, _someone else_ having a direct line to my brain would be a huge problem for me. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> None of my conversations are things I wouldn't say in front of H. Even if it's someone else talking to me, if it is interesting enough I'll talk about it to him later.
> 
> But that's my choice, my privacy. He doesn't get to decide that for me. It's controlling, unhealthy and weak.
> 
> ...


Again, this way of thinking is interesting to me. 

When DH and I hang out with or talk to friends, we pretty much always give each other a rundown of the events and conversation. Friends and family know that whatever they're saying to one of us, they're saying to both of us. 

It's never seemed like a choice. It's just something we've always done, since we first began dating. I don't think either one of us has any kind of filter between our brains and our mouths when we're talking to each other.

As far as examining underwear, examining your routine, and examining your body for marks, I kind of expect that. In fact, I rely on it!

There are many crippling or fatal health conditions that can be caught and treated early due to a spouse noticing a change in routine or a strange mark on the body.

My mom's first stroke happened before her 40th birthday. It was a minor stroke that didn't do permanent damage, but it did do some subtle temporary damage. It was my dad who noticed she was speaking a little differently. Her phrasing and cadence was not the same as usual. He said she was acting normal, but something just seemed off. So, she went in, tests were run, stroke was found, treatment followed.

My friend D's wife noticed a discoloration on his upper arm. She made him go in and it turned out to be the beginnings of melanoma.

Chick on FB posted a pic of her breasts the night before her cancer removal surgery. She asked it be shared far and wide. One of the signs of her cancer was breast tissue dimpling. It looked like a very small patch of cellulite. She never noticed and I must admit it was real subtle. Something that most people would notice and dismiss, ya know? Her H noticed it and told her he wanted a doc to look at it. That saved her life.

I've had DH catch a bladder infection before I did because he realized I was going to the bathroom a lot more than usual. I'm on blood pressure meds and if I dehydrate I can pass out. Once we found that out, DH started noticing if I wasn't drinking enough and would remind me.

So, far as I'm concerned, part of our responsibilities as spouses is knowing the details of each others bodies and routines.



samyeagar said:


> And see, I feel like I made that choice when I married her.


According to my faith, marriage is a giving and receiving of each others total selves. Two becoming one. So, there is no need or reason for privacy. We gave up any expectation of privacy when we agreed to share our total selves with each other.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I would be offended if I were innocent, and probably set out to really mess with their mind. First I'd document the discovery and the date so I could prove when I found out, so it could be shown that any content thereafter was bogus. I would probably also VAR them, because it is often true that transgressors project their own behavior on their spouse. Let the fun and games begin!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If justified, I'd feel ashamed of myself; if not, I'd just have some good old-fashioned, psychological fun playing with my partner's head!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Now I WANT to find a VAR in my purse!!! Oh the fun I would have with that!!


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

wow; so that is were it was. I've been looking for that for weeks. must have fallen out of my pocket.

I have two and do use them in meeting for taking notes. the wife washed one i let in my pants pocked.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> I would probably also VAR them, because it is often true that transgressors project their own behavior on their spouse.


When I was much younger, I had a boyfriend who constantly accused me of cheating, without any real reason. I got tired of it after a while and dumped him.

I found out later that I was his "other woman"!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

From the stand point of "having something to hide" wouldn't bother me a bit, but because of our past it would make me immediately suspicious of his conscience. I wouldn't get angry, but I would be concerned and open the floor for conversation.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I find it interesting to see how many people would be pissed about a VAR being used on them, some being the 1st to tell someone to use one. 

I'd probably be upset by it at first, then have to do some deep soul searching to find out WHY it was being used. Had my actions deemed its use?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I wouldn't recommend a VAR or invasive or long term spying methods.

I think spouses should be open, no secrets, no passwords. Phones should be able to be gone through, internet history and computers if you need to, you should know where your spouse is and not have too much independent behavior

But I don't think it's healthy to spy like that. I think it can too easily turn into obsession or controlling behavior.

If you want to know something, talk to me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I wouldn't recommend a VAR or invasive or long term spying methods.
> 
> I think spouses should be open, no secrets, no passwords. Phones should be able to be gone through, internet history and computers if you need to, you should know where your spouse is and not have too much independent behavior
> 
> ...


I agree that there are better methods, such as just asking and talking about things, but I am going to give my spouse the benefit of the doubt until I have a better understanding of the whole picture.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> I find it interesting to see how many people would be pissed about a VAR being used on them, some being the 1st to tell someone to use one.


That's kind of what inspired this thread. We hear the advice to plant a VAR so often, but we never hear from the spouses who were spied on. Every time I read a post from someone who planted a recorder and didn't get any evidence, I wonder how their spouse would have reacted if they'd found it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> See, I don't have boundaries like that with my DH. Your way of thinking here is interesting to me.
> 
> DH is welcome to root around in my head anytime he wants to, even if I don't know about it at the time, providing he can find the means.
> 
> ...


The difference being that if a spouse was to hide a VAR it is your character they are checking, not your health. Checking on your health is loving, spying is not done out of love.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Everything I've already said aside, I personally wouldn't bother with a VAR. If it ever got to the point where one would be prescribed, my mind would already be made up that the marriage was over. We would have already been through the talking, asking, questioning, and the trust would already be broken. I would already be convinced, so a VAR would add no value.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I wouldn't recommend a VAR or invasive or long term spying methods.
> 
> I think spouses should be open, no secrets, no passwords. Phones should be able to be gone through, internet history and computers if you need to, you should know where your spouse is and not have too much independent behavior
> 
> ...


The world is absolutely littered with spouses who talked to their wives/husbands and were told nothing was going on, don't worry, yadda yadda when there actually was an affair. Really can't blame a concerned husband/wife for thinking that if their spouse is cheating on them, they'd also be lying to them and that asking directly with no evidence would be useless.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Holland said:


> The difference being that if a spouse was to hide a VAR it is your character they are checking, not your health. Checking on your health is loving, spying is not done out of love.


The poster I was responding to said that she (?) would be upset if her spouse was examining her body and routine/behaviors looking for something that indicates possible infidelity. My response was to point out that spouses are supposed to be aware of and examine each others bodies and behaviors for many reasons and that this is actually a good thing.

The point of the whole post was that, imo, there is no such thing as spying between spouses.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> The poster I was responding to said that she (?) would be upset if her spouse was examining her body and routine/behaviors looking for something that indicates possible infidelity. My response was to point out that spouses are supposed to be aware of and examine each others bodies and behaviors for many reasons and that this is actually a good thing.
> 
> The point of the whole post was that, imo, there is no such thing as spying between spouses.


If my partner was checking my skin for moles in secret, without my knowledge, I would find that creepy. LOL, just sayin'...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> The poster I was responding to said that she (?) would be upset if her spouse was examining her body and routine/behaviors looking for something that indicates possible infidelity. My response was to point out that spouses are supposed to be aware of and examine each others bodies and behaviors for many reasons and that this is actually a good thing.
> 
> The point of the whole post was that, imo, there is no such thing as spying between spouses.


Oh yeah I would be upset if a spouse was examining my body etc to see for cheating, actually I would think he was a freak. Being concerned for your partners health is a world away from spying via a VAR or other means.

There should be no such thing as spying between spouses but the hypothetical in the OP was asking WDYT is your spouse did do this? If a person places a VAR in their partners car for eg without them knowing then this is spying, no two ways about it. It is not open communication or caring, it is paranoid behaviour.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

If I found a VAR, I would be really insulted. I don't have anything to hide and my husband has access to everything I have, just as I have access to his. He can look through my facebook, bank account, cell phone, purse/diaper bag, etc. It would be insulting to think he didn't trust me enough to just talk to me. I would hope he would come to me first if he felt like something was off, instead of going that far as to track everything I say.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If I found a VAR, it would probably NOT have been placed by my spouse. That would raise a whole other set of questions, though, and I'd have to report the find to the security officer at work! We are open with everything - email, phones, social networking, etc. - and leave them open on our home computers. We do respect each other's privacy, and only check things out of convenience or by asking first about things that may be sensitive. We really don't have anything to hide from each other. Infidelity is probably the very least of any possible concerns - I even bring new FWB home to meet her first.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I'd probably have some fun with it. Stage some calls, make it sound like I'm hiring a hit-man or something absolutely crazy. 

Then, I'd sit and say "Wife, what's this all about". If she seemed to have some legitimate concerns, then we'd address them. If not, we'd have a problem.

Either way, I'd make her sit there and listen to the VAR with me, and then, when we got to the staged call, turn it off, and say. "You've heard too much" with the most serious face I could muster.

>


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not sure what I'd do with one, depends on my mood at the time. It could range from wrecking it to giving him something to listen to.

I do know if my hb cheated on me and then had the stones to record me the marriage would be over.

Food for thought when advising a paranoid cheater to record their spouse, unless there's a darn good reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Troll it. Psyops/misinformation.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I asked my husband this.. (he didn't even know what that was).. he says he would be offended that I didn't trust him.. I would too initially.. as he'd just never do such a thing, no reason... 

We're both so willingly Open with each other.... 

The other night, a question was asked on another thread.. what makes a man feel "Safe" in his relationship... I asked my husband this....I pretty much had his thoughts pinned down.. ... his answer was ..."your brutal honesty".. ..that kinda sounds bad.. we know what he means...it's something he loves about me...it's true.. I don't spare anything.. I've never been secretive ...he knows me inside & out.. .the good, the bad & the ugly....

This holds our intimacy...and trust.

If this would ever come to a crawl.. or dry up...me wanting to get off alone... he should suspect something - as that is NOT ME ! In that case.. could I blame him.. No I couldn't. 

If this was placed in my car.. all he'd hear is the blasting of Breaking Benjamin from the moment I seat belted to my destination.. he already knows this!


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

OpenWindows said:


> This is just a hypothetical question that rattles around in my head anytime I see the "get a VAR" advice on infidelity threads.
> 
> Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected.
> 
> How would you react? What would you do?


I would ask him directly what I had done for him to doubt my trustworthiness.

If I didn't find the answer reasonable, I'd be making an appointment for us (him) to see a shrink.


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## snowcrashed (Apr 23, 2016)

I have issues with trusting others because of being burned in the past so I really wouldn't be too upset. But of course I'd have to confront to find out what prompted it being utilized in the first place. Maybe I did something I shouldn't have and that provoked a reaction. In a weird way it would show me how much that person cared about our relationship. I hope that makes sense. 

While some might see it as extreme maybe I don't because I've always taken a thrill in spying on others and knowing things I'm not supposed to know. Maybe I should have been a private eye...


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

OpenWindows said:


> Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected.
> 
> How would you react? What would you do?


If I found a Value Added Reseller in my car, I would kick his ass to the curb and tell him to find his own ride


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OpenWindows said:


> This is just a hypothetical question that rattles around in my head anytime I see the "get a VAR" advice on infidelity threads.
> 
> Let's say you find a VAR in your car/house/purse/wherever, and you're pretty sure your partner put it there. You are not cheating, and didn't realize they suspected.
> 
> How would you react? What would you do?


I would totally mess with his head. I would pretend to be planning murders and bank heists. Then after a little while, I would tell him I was just kidding before he called the police on me.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Honestly I expect my Dear Hubby to do this kind of thing periodically, at his convenience. That's because we are both exceedingly open and honest with each other, sharing both thoughts and feelings, and yet unless you can verify, talking is just hot air pushed over windpipes! He can verify by checking my computer, checking my phone, looking wherever he wants to look, comparing phone bill or credit card bills, or recording me. Whatever works for him, works for me. 

However, I will say that if I found it, I'm sassy enough that I would play around with it. I think I'd play a bunch of MoTown and then act like I'm on the cell with people telling them how great he is! LOL


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I'd fake a bunch of phone conversations detailing my job as an international spy, then maybe do some over the phone auction bidding for an elephant , a hippo, and maybe a lion. I expect it would definitely spark a conversation ,and watching the VAR planter try to hide where they got the info would be priceless.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> "You Are My Sunshine" (both are kind of "our song



Um...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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