# To stay or not (to stay)?



## Mrswhy (Oct 4, 2020)

So sorry long post!!!’
Help... I don't know what to do, I said to my husband (of 6 years -13 together) tonight we are like room mates now who rarely hook up and when we do, regret it the next day, we sleep apart and have for 3 years due to snoring -I feel like he’s impossible to live with as I think he’s lazy (so harsh I know but I can’t feel bad as he’s gained a minimum of 7 stone since we met which is one of our main issues as he was always a big build) but he has ridiculous expectations of me! He acted so shocked and taken aback when I said it and replied “you’re just negative, maybe you need medication for stress”. I told him his computer games, work and gambling take priority over me and the kids and he sees my role as a caregiver, cleaner and cook to our kids as “my job”. I also work a corporate job (from home atm given the circumstances) but he doesn’t respect my income at all and often ridicules it, he never listens when I talk and his idea of “playing” is winding us all up!! He was diagnosed with adhd as a child and one of my closest friends regularly defends him with that but honestly I resent him and feel like apart from money he doesn’t contribute, I don’t see a way forward but I rely on him financially -as much as I hate that I really do and he knows it!! I do love him deep down and don’t want to divorce but we have one life and I want to be happy! I’ve asked him to come to counselling and the response “you go to counselling you’re the one that needs it” he sees no issues I see many!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divorce him and insist he gets 50/50 custody of the children so that he has to take care of them three and a half days a week and do his part. You will have more time to work and a lot more leisure. Do not let him talk you into taking most of the custody because now is the time to start making him do his part by insisting he have joint custody. 

You have a job so I don't really see why you feel you rely on him for money.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

There are a lot of issues in your marriage. However, I'm not seeing the "hard stop" type of issues like physical/severe psychological abuse, infidelity, substance abuse, etc. that usually makes me pull the "Divorce" trigger recommendation immediately. There is potentially some room for reform, especially since you've only been married 6 years (i.e., 6 years ago, you thought enough of each other to exchange vows of matrimony).

This is actually the sort of situation which I think the idea of a trial separation TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE may help. You can get out of each other's faces, and you can enter into serious marriage counseling. Although he hasn't been receptive to counseling in the past, this step might be enough to "shock" him into realizing how serious the situation really is. Now, when I say separation, I don't mean that you each start dating others/getting sexually involved with others, etc. I mean you both should still be committed to trying to fix the marriage, which you cannot do if you're bringing third parties into it.

If it doesn't work, you can proceed to divorce. But at least you can feel that you gave it every chance you could, especially with children involved. And, honestly, it seems like while he has a host of faults he needs to correct, you may find that there are some areas you could do better in as well. That's the point of counseling--provided they are skilled, objective and professional.

It looks like you are from Britain, so there may be some issues specific to the UK with regards to setting up a trial separation, so please proceed with proper legal advice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

When she was alive, the old newspaper advice columnist Ann Landers would always ask people a simple question when they were unhappy and considering divorce - “ are you better off with him, or without him?” 

Would you be better off making a life for yourself or remaining in your current situation forever? 

He is not going to miraculously transform into someone else.


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## Mrswhy (Oct 4, 2020)

I knew I joined this page for a reason... some things I need to clear up, I absolutely do not think I’m perfect in any way I complain and nit pick about things and I know I can be relentless but all I want is to be heard and listened to... I’m honest with my emotions but I know he finds that negative and exhausting, he can’t be bothered to hear me yet he constantly listens to work colleague issues... when I try and instigate us having fun, dancing around and being daft he says I’m annoying, all the things he found endearing are now an irritant. I hate rejection and can be defensive because he shuts down ridiculously quick. 
The more I write the more negative it seems... you’re right 6 years ago things were on track but a lot has happened. We live in a house gifted to him and he says and a
I quote “I’m a full time dad or not a dad” so if I give up everything I really feel like I’m giving up everything for me and the kids! Sorry to to go on I’ve never been this honest to anyone! Really at a loss!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well he can say he's a full-time Dad or not a dad but he's not being a full-time dad, and the law is not on his side. That's why we have family court and child custody arrangements. If he thinks he can just bump heads with a judge he is completely wrong. if you decide to leave you just go get yourself an attorney and don't let him talk you out of getting your own.


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## Mrswhy (Oct 4, 2020)

Maybe I’m on the wrong forum but I’m uk, there’s no one here that can legally make a dad see their kids (which I know is insane!!)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He isn't much of a dad now so what difference would it make? He would be paying for the privilege of not being a dad, though.

Stop doing things for him - like his laundry, cooking etc. Let him see what life on his own would be.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mrswhy said:


> Maybe I’m on the wrong forum but I’m uk, there’s no one here that can legally make a dad see their kids (which I know is insane!!)


The court may not make him see them, but they will make him support them financially.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree, he's not a Dad right now so what's the difference? Get out and get settled, heal from your divorce, and go find a real partner. Your husband might change his mind when he realizes another man is going to be his kids' "dad" and decide he does want 50/50 custody.

He sounds like a miserable person to be with...you have ONE life to live...do you want to live it with him????


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just copied this when I googled normal custody in the UK. 

"Joint residency is still not the norm in the UK but it’s growing in popularity. Joint residency means a child splits his time between both parents, and they share parental responsibility. This means children live at both houses part of the time although this may not be on a 50/50 basis. Joint residency is the custody arrangement preferred by the courts if at all possible as it allows a child to have residential access to both parents. "

That doesn't mean they can make him see them, but if he doesn't want to do his part, they will make him pay. He'll save money by seeing them, but lose his private time and life as he knows it. Which is what he needs to do to grow up.


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