# What do I do?



## So Lost. Help. (Jan 23, 2021)

A little back story. Married for 10 years. 2 children. I have job paying just about the same as his. We have a house together under my VA.

At 6 months pregnant, 3 months before saying "I do" I catch him sending messages to girls while in the "field" for Army training saying he doesn't want to be a dad and he is not ready to be married. I call him out on it and he breaks the phone. He deploys, I give birth and than he comes back. Babies first birthday, at my parents house, he gets drunk and throws me to the floor by my hair. my uncles restrain him while saying he wants to kill me. He gets taken away by the police. He blamed the deployment and I never filed a report. 

He continues to say if I leave, he will kill himself and to let my daughter know it was my fault. He finally tries in front of my parents again, and gets taken to a mental ward. (this was all 10 years ago. 

I end up getting a good paying job doing manual labor for the federal system while he cuts grass. We stay at my grandparents where I help my grandmother with dementia and pay our rent. I end up helping him get into the same place I work at. We both now have two good jobs. However, through the years there were multiple incidents I had to get between him and my daughter with him physically slapping her in the head as a form of discipline. I never felt right leaving them home with him. So as much as possible, I had his mom and sister take care of my girls when I wasn't home. But it was always me taking them to the doctors, dentist, school related meetings, sports, etc. and also me paying for our family trips. 

I got deployed a twice and with both situations he has never taken them to the doctors or dentist, etc and I always had to communicate back home with teachers, coaches, etc if I needed him to do something that i couldn't physically be there for. He also has a 22K debt he hid from me and I tried to create a financial plan when I came home from employment but he wasn't willing to live in a smaller house. The house is under both of our names. 

Before our second child came, I tried to leave him. I told him to leave my grandparents house because I was just done cleaning up after him and dealing with the emotional and physical abuse. He then got social media and turned into "the greatest dad", is into the bible, and cooks and cleans while at his moms. So I took him back. Then we bought the house we are in now while I was pregnant. Only to find out, the whole time I was pregnant and he was at his moms, he was screwing the moms neighbor. Neighbor puts a TRO on me while pregnant saying I threatened her. It gets dismissed while I listened to the neighbor tell the judge they didn't fool around and they bring him in and he details to me in front of the judge that he did. It was rocky from then on as I already bought this house, and I was pregnant. 

Within the past 4 years, the emotional abuse got worst. He continued to name call and swear yet in front of people pretend to be the best dad leaving me to feel like no one would hear me out. I got deployed and still managed to take care of my babies. However, I became a wreck while deployed and suffered from depression and anxiety. I told him about it trying to open up to someone, and he said no one will believe me. Came home, and did the worst thing I could have done. Drove drunk and got a DUI. I am no angel. I accept and acknowledge what I did wrong and never ever will do it again. I'm currently going to court for it. 

To add on to the deployment, I came back in the best shape of my life, or so I thought. for the last year, he wouldn't touch me or sleep in the same bed. The last year it was the girls and myself sleeping in the same bed. If he wanted to talk while we were in the same house, he would text me. My grandmother whos house we lived in passed away and not once did he check on me or offer a hug or anything knowing i told him about feeling depressed. The night of her funeral, at my parents, he called me out to fight like a man. I sat there, not saying a word, and let him just go at me until someone escorted him out. 

Months passed and I gave myself a date. Our anniversary. I took off and woke up and he was no where to be found. So when the evening came, I packed up some things and left with my girls and our dog. We left for three weeks house hopping at friends and families house and not once did he call or check if we were being fed, had a shelter a happy thanksgiving or anything. Finally I found a house to rent to get us out. On my birthday, a few of my friends helped me go to my house and move things. he popped up and just told me to not take the bed. 

He made supervisor at his job, I only know because i was watching my grandmother get burried and taming my two daughters while I could hear him tell people in the back ground he's supervisor now. After I left, I think it finally hit him. He started blaming me for everything. And calling me a drunk mom because of my DUI. and a bad mother because I go on deployments and have anxiety/depression. He threatened to take my girls from me. and he's suddenly telling me all of this via email. He changed the locks to the mail box. and I've heard to the home I own. He became the text book best dad again on social media. He asked to see the girls more often but he is lucky i gave him 2-3 days a week. He didn't know they went back to school, did jiu jitsu...etc. 

But my stupid butt never filed the papers yet thinking he will change. Only to find out, it's only been a month and some change since I left and dad already has a "friend" who is a girl that hang out with him on their days. The straw that broke the camels back, he never called my 5 year old on her birthday. 

I really am confused with what to do. What my next step is. I don't like telling people my business or asking for advice so I feel my safest bet is to start here. We have joint accounts, the house, I signed for his TSP loan to pay his debt... But i really am struggling paying for everything and looking like the broke mom while dad does all of this fun stuff. Please help. It's taken me this long to ask anyone.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Step 1. Take down your picture. You don't need to have a picture of yourself and your children, certainly not while dealing with issues like this. It's best to remain as anonymous as possible. 

Step 2. Find a lawyer. You need to get the ball rolling on divorcing this man. The house needs to be sold, he needs to pay child support, etc. You also absolutely need to get a custody agreement in place. The last thing you want is a man like this taking off with your kids and being unable to get them back. 

Sure, your husband might look like the fun dad or the Disneyland dad but at the end of the day, he's still a man who beats his children and their mother. Your kids will remember that. 

I know it hurts that he's already found another woman but remember, she will get the exact same treatment you did. Maybe not today, maybe not next month, but eventually his true colors will show. Pity her, don't envy her.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Get out NOW. See a great divorce lawyer Monday! There’s enough money being made here that everyone can live just fine, even if it is simple. 

This has been a disaster from the beginning, 
Imagine life with a nice man who loves you AND your girls. 

That’s what you deserve, and what you can have. Don’t waste another moment toward that goal.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

bobert said:


> at the end of the day, he's still a man who beats his children and their mother.



And, most likely, he won't change.
Get a lawyer, and get out.


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## pr-beach (Aug 20, 2020)

So Lost. Help. said:


> A little back story. Married for 10 years. 2 children. I have job paying just about the same as his. We have a house together under my VA.
> 
> At 6 months pregnant, 3 months before saying "I do" I catch him sending messages to girls while in the "field" for Army training saying he doesn't want to be a dad and he is not ready to be married. I call him out on it and he breaks the phone. He deploys, I give birth and than he comes back. Babies first birthday, at my parents house, he gets drunk and throws me to the floor by my hair. my uncles restrain him while saying he wants to kill me. He gets taken away by the police. He blamed the deployment and I never filed a report.
> 
> ...


Sorry you are going thru this... Get a lawyer and a divorce. Protect yourself and your children. It should be your main priority right now. He will never change.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would have left when he threw me to the ground by my hair. As for when he started physically abusing my children, immediately.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I would have left when he threw me to the ground by my hair. As for when he started physically abusing my children, immediately.


How is that helpful to the OP? I'm sure she feels bad enough, and as she said, it took her this long just to ask for help. She doesn't need people shaming her and telling her what they _think_ they would have done. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, this is one of them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> How is that helpful to the OP? I'm sure she feels bad enough, and as she said, it took her this long just to ask for help. She doesn't need people shaming her and telling her what they _think_ they would have done. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, this is one of them.


We will have to agree to differ on that one. To help her to see the seriousness of what he has done and end the marriage.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have never read anything on this forum that screamed get a lawyer as much as this one. They are expensive and situations like this are confusing but he has the combination of control and malice that demands legal intervention


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> We will have to agree to differ on that one. To help her to see the seriousness of what he has done and end the marriage.


Your "rub it in her face" post about when you would have left the marriage does nothing to help her see the seriousness of what he has done. 

Heck the breaking straw for her after all he's done was that he didn't call one of their children on her birthday.

Her priorities aren't the same as yours.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nobody can help someone who won’t help themselves. Don’t be that person that can’t be helped. Get an attorney. Get a restraining order. You know how to use a gun. Be ready in case this wacko finally realizes you mean to leave him for good and tries to kill you. I can’t believe you married a man that said in front of your own people that he wanted to kill you, or any of the countless other unspeakable things he’s done to you and your kids, but it’s long past time you got your kids free of this person, if what you say is accurate.


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