# I am desperate for advice



## iamamess (Oct 21, 2010)

A few months ago my husband raped me in the middle of the night while he was asleep. He has always been a sleepwalker and I have woken up to him doing various things from groping me to beating me over the head with a pillow. Ever since the rape, I have completely withdrawn from him and have been seriously considering leaving. I am afraid for my safety and for my future because I could never have kids with someone who is capable of doing that. I don’t care whether he was conscious or not, it is just not something I am comfortable with. He is now getting help for his problem and his doctor is calling is sexsomnia. He says that the triggers are stress and his addiction to porn. (note that he has a severe addiction to porn and I have found pictures of sister's cleavage on his computer) I have done research and it doesn’t seem like there is a real cure for this, furthermore my research has confirmed all of my fears about him potentially harming children. When I look at him all I see is a monster, I know that he wouldn’t do that consciously but the terror he inflicted on me is too intense to recover from.

To make matters worse I have recently met someone who I have completely fallen in love with. I wasn’t looking for anyone and I have tried to distance myself from the other man, but I have not been very successful. The other man seems to be everything that I could ever want. I have been trying to break things off with my husband, but he will not let go. Last night my he found out about the other man and completely lost it. He made me break things off over the phone and then proceeded to threaten the other man’s life. He still wants to stay with me despite the fact that I am not in love with him, nor do I want to have children with him. I never would have married him if I knew about his disorder and I feel like I need to leave, but I feel awful for cheating on him and I’m not sure if I owe it to him to give this one more try. He agreed to get a vasectomy, never sleep with me again, and to always sleep in a separate room if I would stay. I know that we both want kids, so this would be a huge sacrifice for both of us. We have been in counseling for a while now and that has not been helping. Is there hope that we can make this marriage work? If not how do I end things when he refuses to let go?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well, I would say first you should get yourself counseling. Tied in with first, if you are traumatized by this (which I would think you would be) I would see about staying with a girlfriend or family member until things are more sorted. By all means get counseling or a support group for sexual assault victims. I don't want to get too in to detail on here, but you can PM me if you need to talk about some of your symptoms and I can suggest things that I tried to help them subside a bit. 

I honestly don't see you getting any sleep while you are in the same house honey. I don't know about the rest, but baby step it right now, and focus on the first step that you can take.


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## iamamess (Oct 21, 2010)

We are currently sleeping in different rooms for my safety, but I think you are right, I do need to get out of the house. My parents live close by and have offered to take me in, so I will be going there this weekend. I am at a loss for what to do after that though.


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## iamamess (Oct 21, 2010)

I am now staying with my parents. I never thought I would end up in this position. I didn't really want to tell anyone that I had been raped, it was really hard to do. I also had to own up to the affair, we had only kissed, but my husband does not believe me. I don't blame him, but it's difficult right now because he has told all of our friends that I had an affair without mentioning the fact that he raped me and left me to deal with the aftermath by myself. I feel so isolated right now. I am trying to live one moment at a time, but it is really hard to do right now. I have always been a planner and my future was robbed from me the night of the rape. I am so lost, I honestly don't know what to do next. It so unnatural for me to do anything without a future in mind.


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## iamamess (Oct 21, 2010)

UPDATE - I am now in counseling and still staying with my parents. I have cut off all communication with the OM which was very difficult because he was the glue holding me together. Now I just spend every day trying not to cry and wishing that none of this ever happened. My H is taking medication that is supposed to help with his sleep disorder, but after talking to his psychiatrist I am even more scared than I was before. He can build up an immunity to the medication, the medication does not last through the whole night, if he doesn't take the medication there is a chance it would happen again, if the medication is mixed with alcohol or perscription drugs it could lose its effectiveness, and so on. 

I've made up my mind that I can't stay married to a man who has no control over whether or not he will rape me again. I already live in enough fear from the first time, I couldn't imagine putting myself at risk again. I've told my H this and he says that he can control things, I don't believe him, but it's hard to break things off when he is so determined to make it work. I truly believe that he was asleep when it happened, but I still feel like part of his subconscious knew what was going on. My mom thinks that I need to work on myself first and figure out everything else later. I am horrible at taking care of myself because I am a people pleaser. I always try to take care of the emotional needs of everyone else at my own expense and just the thought of having to deal with all of my issues terrifies me. I have my mom and sister to support me, but they can't be around all the time. My H chased off most of my friends before we got married and he has made me out to be a moster to the few friends that I have left. I don't even know how to take care of myself emotionally. Does anyone have tips on A) how to cope with all of my fears from the rape B) how to cope with being away from my home and my pets C) how to cope with not knowing where I am headed in life? I am trying to take things one hour at a time, but even the hours are getting harder and harder to bear.


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## saint_kevin (May 17, 2012)

Are you ok now?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Zombie thread!


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## saint_kevin (May 17, 2012)

I am just trying to see if she is doing ok after 2 years. I had had issue years ago and if someone ask me today, I would say I still have 20% of the trauma.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

saint_kevin said:


> I am just trying to see if she is doing ok after 2 years. I had had issue years ago and if someone ask me today, I would say I still have 20% of the trauma.


What kind of issues? Do you mean you were raped? Just wondering on what level you are identifying with this woman.


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