# Will my youngest son ever see the light?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

After my wife and I split up due to her inappropriate relationship with a coworker and my son lived with her for 6 months prior to going to university. Somehow she as able to convince him that she was right and I was wrong - telling him "Your father should man up" and "I am happy now with new guy". My son and I were best friends before the break up and now he has anger towards me, posts pictures of her and him on fb, condones her behaviour. Now that he is away from her at university and she is with AP, he is more angry at me because of the less money due to pooled resources. I see signs of him finally coming around due to being away from her constant put-downs of me (he is now saying we're both messed up (which is a step up from him saying I'm messed up)) and that he is "dealing with his parents divorce" which is a step out of denial from "his mother being happy". Will my son ever see that his mother was the cause of all this pain and not me? I hate her for this alone!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Your son, regardless of his age, is a child in this situation. He is the victim of a selfish mother and a father, in his mind, that bailed on him.

He was thrust into a position where he did what he had to do to survive and cope. He was in his last year of high school and his family imploded. Have sympathy for him, not resentment.

Love him, be patient with his anger (he is entitled to it), do not slam his mother (he will do enough of that on his own) and give him time.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> After my wife and I split up due to her inappropriate relationship with a coworker and my son lived with her for 6 months prior to going to university. Somehow she as able to convince him that she was right and I was wrong - telling him "Your father should man up" and "I am happy now with new guy". My son and I were best friends before the break up and now he has anger towards me, posts pictures of her and him on fb, condones her behaviour. Now that he is away from her at university and she is with AP, he is more angry at me because of the less money due to pooled resources. I see signs of him finally coming around due to being away from her constant put-downs of me (he is now saying we're both messed up (which is a step up from him saying I'm messed up)) and that he is "dealing with his parents divorce" which is a step out of denial from "his mother being happy". Will my son ever see that his mother was the cause of all this pain and not me? I hate her for this alone!


He will come around. He loves both his parents and can't hate either. Keep that in your mind. He will never "take sides" nor should he. And, with time, he will understand the betrayal you felt but will also feel a certain loyalty to his mother as well. You can't change his position of loving both his parents. You can't make him pick sides. What you can do is continue to maintain communication with him, to have your own personal dialog with your son, and to form a "new" relationship with your son, not as a "team" with your WS, but as yourself.

My son is also in college and yes, I explained to him why it came to be that I left the marital home; due to his father's infidelity and his father's refusal to leave the marital home. Yes, for a time he claimed to hate his father for treating me disrespectfully and hurting me. But I do recognize that he needs a relationship with his father, apart from our relationship, so I tried not to discourage contact between the two.

As it stands now with my son, his father admitted to him that he made mistakes and will pay for them. His father wants a relationship with our son. And our son is now speaking to his father and keeping the relationship separate. He does love both of us, flaws and all. Your son is in the same situation. In time it will work itself out.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Yea, I think he needs to man up - when we broke up - she said ALL communication to her should go through our 17 year old son - thus placing him in the alpha male position in the family - and I think he got off on it - then she showered him with attention but guess what? She had no money for him and basically whenever she needed money or he needed money - guess who'd clamor for it? My son - then he would run me down when I would not give it (because I didn't trust her and her sitting in the background waiting for the money - she's a real piece of work). I am pissed at him too to tell you the truth.......


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

He has to mature much.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Yea, I think he needs to man up - when we broke up - she said ALL communication to her should go through our 17 year old son - thus placing him in the alpha male position in the family - and I think he got off on it - then she showered him with attention but guess what? She had no money for him and basically whenever she needed money or he needed money - guess who'd clamor for it? My son - then he would run me down when I would not give it (because I didn't trust her and her sitting in the background waiting for the money - she's a real piece of work). I am pissed at him too to tell you the truth.......


Please don't be pissed at him. He's a 17 year old "kid" caught up in the drama, looking for a way to protect himself (with your money) so HIS life would not be affected by the drama that his parents (as he sees it) created.

You WS was wrong. Communication between the two of you should have not been through the son. She placed him in the middle, and I assume that, at the time, that arrangement was okay with you. Neither parent considered his feelings in the matter. And yes, he probably took advantage of the arrangement because he suddenly felt "in charge" of BOTH of you. At 17, he is still just a "big kid" who does not have the life experience to handle two grown up parents and their issues.

You want to make peace with your son and have a better relationship with him? Your marriage is not his burden to carry. He is responsible for none of it. The only thing he has to "man up" about is his education and his future, not your marriage nor your relationship with your WS.

Forgive your son. Form a new relationship with him as a single parent. Do NOT discuss his mother with him. Stick with YOUR issues as a single parent, and above all else, let your son know that this was not his fault, he has no responsibility to help ease communication issues between you and your WS, and that you will always love and emotionally support your son.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

This is because you have never told your son the truth about his mom's affair.

Your son needs the truth.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

theroad said:


> This is because you have never told your son the truth about his mom's affair.
> 
> Your son needs the truth.


I did tell him everything......he keeps defending her and denying it because that is what she tells him.......


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You are pissed at him because YOU bailed on him (yep, ya did, giving a kid the choice to move away from his last year in high school is in no way providing him an option) and left him in the hands of a "piece of work" mother deep in the fog. When he needed money you made him "run you down" because you did not want to hand the mother of the year any cash.

So what did your son do? He held on to the one parent that didn't bail. She is madly in love and so he tries do what he can to secure his position with the only remaining parent physically present in his life. What did you want him to do? Fall apart and blow off his last year of high school? Make his life and your wife's life miserable while carrying your banner? Start using drugs? Alcohol? Begin hurting himself? You should be glad the boy made it to university and is able in some way to convey his emotions.

You need to remember you picked his mother as a spouse, he had no choice who his mother was going to be. You also need to remember that your pain from the A and D is not his fault. He is a victim of it all just like you.

His actions hurt you? Then you need to put your big boy pants on and deal with those feelings, with him, in a positive way. You must be the example of what a parent is supposed to be regardless of any previous mistakes. This is especially important in your case because your wife surely isn't capable of it.

I don't mean to be harsh and I know how much you have hurt and will continue to hurt as you got through this hell on earth but you cannot project any of it on your son.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Yea, I think he needs to man up - when we broke up - she said ALL communication to her should go through our 17 year old son - thus placing him in the alpha male position in the family - and I think he got off on it - then she showered him with attention but guess what? She had no money for him and basically whenever she needed money or he needed money - guess who'd clamor for it? My son - then he would run me down when I would not give it (because I didn't trust her and her sitting in the background waiting for the money - she's a real piece of work). I am pissed at him too to tell you the truth.......


Since your son is approaching adulthood, he might "look" like a man but I assure you that he is not one. He is a child and should still be protected as such. Your wife is putting your son, not in an Alpha role but in a really bad situation for him emotionally and mentally - she's actually making him into a victim in all of this. You are putting him in a bad spot by misdirecting your anger towards your wife and putting it on your son. 

I know it's hurtful to you that he's choosing sides but he is being manipulated and that is totally not his fault nor does he deserve any of it. Having two people whom you love very dearly try to push and pull you into dividing loyalties would be hurtful to an adult - never mind a child. As hard as it is for you, I think you need to try to realize that his behavior in the moment, is not his fault.

I think you are not helping the situation because you insist on having him see who really is the bad guy, instead of fostering a relationship with him. The affair and it's impact on you is not his burden to bear. You are both acting foolishly and in a damaging way in terms of your son in my opinion. He does not need to "man up" he needs his parents to stop putting him in the middle and trying to divide his loyalties.

You cannot stop your wife from acting like a total "douchette" but you can control how YOU handle it. You should try to shelter your son as much as you can from any hostilities on your side of things while trying to continue your relationship with him. You can't keep him out of it as far as your wife is concerned but you can keep him out of it from your side.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

thank you for your advice.....i really needed to hear that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes he will come around but you must never bad mouth his mother.

Never.

My oldest daughter (19) was MAD at me for leaving "Dad" even though Dad had issues (no cheating) & if I forget & say something not-so-nice about Dad, she immediately stops me - 4 yrs. later....but she is not mad at me any longer.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

My husband has a very similar problem with his two sons, who were about the age of your son during the divorce. (At DDay the eldest was a senior, 17, the youngest 13. The youngest discovered the affair -- through inappropriate emails. And outed it.)

To give you an idea of the effupedness -- mom is a serial cheater. She introduced her affair partners to the kids over the years. Even took the youngest on "special trips, just the two of them" where she would hook up with her OM and used the kid as her beard.

Yeah, she's a sociopathic motherf*cker. As a result, the kids have issues. 

The youngest eventually moved in full-time with mom and her OM (who abandoned a wife and two small kids). A few months ago, in the middle of HS now, he moved with mom and now husband OM to another state.

My H really gets your pain. Insofar as I can get it, I GET IT. 

I have tremendous sympathy for my step sons. I also think they're deeply, profoundly effed up thanks to their toxic mother and frankly, my husband's codependency when she was married to her. (He did not know about the cheating, and when it was discovered he immediately divorced her. Something she felt victimized by, even though she would not stop eating cake.) 

They had dysfunction modeled to them -- and it may be that your son did too. Cheaters are selfish and childish, and her sense of entitlement, which you may have fed from love when you were married and assumed she was faithful, has carried over now that you are divorced. Her grandiosity and entitlement is NATURAL to your son. You making mom The Most Important Person is the state your son KNEW -- and you got healthy and you got out. That's a rejection of what he knows. Of his world. 

Meanwhile, mom is feeding him poison. And you're in the sucktacular position of having to Take The High Road. 

It's the right thing to do and it's hard. I do think your child should know the facts of why his parents divorced, sounds like he does. Beyond that, he needs no other info, like how angry you are or your emotions around it. He will not even begin to comprehend his mother and what she did until he is an adult himself, until he has committed to a woman and had a child. He has ZERO life experience from which he could empathize with you. 

All he knows is that YOU left. 

My H's youngest said that he is mad at his dad for divorcing. That okay, mom cheated, but that "didn't mean she wanted a divorce." Kids do not GET IT. 

It's years since DDay and the relationship with both sons is improving, but both kids drink deep of the Koolaid with their mom. Only recently are they starting to sort of get it -- why? Because she's being an eff up in ways that effect them directly, and she cannot triangulate it to my H. 

Love your son. Establish your OWN relationship with him that has nothing to do with his mom. If you modeled dysfunction, well, now you get a redo. Now you get to have a healthier, authentic relationship with him. Set boundaries with him too -- my H had to tell his youngest -- "I'm not discussing that." Or "I don't want to hear about mom's family." My H had to respect that son loves his sociopath mom. Son has to respect that dad doesn't want to know all the little details of what's going on in sociopath mom's world. 

You'll figure it out. It takes time. I'm sorry that the high road sucks donkey balls.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

> Meanwhile, mom is feeding him poison. *And you're in the sucktacular position of having to Take The High Road.*


This. 



> You'll figure it out. It takes time. I'm sorry that the high road sucks donkey balls.


And This.

There is nothing fair about the position your WW has put you in. I really hate that for you and I empathize with the pain of that 100%. One of the struggles that I'm facing as a BS is dealing with the "unfairness of it all". 

I HATE that I have to put my game face on and pretend that my WS is a great man when it comes to our kid(s), when I think he's acted like a total scumbag.

However, not bashing him is really the right thing for me to do as a mom. I don't want to cause our son more pain by talking ill of his father in front of him just because I'm feeling pain.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> I did tell him everything......he keeps defending her and denying it because that is what she tells him.......


He will eventually come around. Just keep telling him that cheaters are wrong and that good men should never putting up witn a cheating wife.


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