# The impact of infidelity on the children



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/i-was-seven-when-i-tore-my-family-apart-84002f7c1d90


> I Was Seven When I Tore My Family Apart


A heartbreaking story from the child's point of view.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/i-was-seven-when-i-tore-my-family-apart-84002f7c1d90
> 
> 
> A heartbreaking story from the child's point of view.


I think that title should read "divorce tore my family apart". Her experiences sound just like non-infidelity related divorces/separations.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lila said:


> I think that title should read "divorce tore my family apart". Her experiences sound just like non-infidelity related divorces/separations.


Except that her father was a serial cheater which caused the family problems.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> I think that title should read "divorce tore my family apart". Her experiences sound just like non-infidelity related divorces/separations.


You are right. Regardless of divorce or reconciliation, however, marital strife impacts the kids.

Maybe someone will read an article like this in time to reconsider their actions.

You are spot on about everyday separation and divorce.

I get it, it's just sad.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I will add that growing up in a single parent home with peace and love is a 100x better than two parents with strife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I totally supported my mother when she first planned to divorce my father after he cheated but unfortunately she changed her mind and stayed. My relationship with him was never the same and I didn't feel secure in my family ever again. Not every child would react as strongly to a parent not divorcing as I did but many do. There's obviously no solution that neatly fits every circumstance.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

my mother was a wayward woman who was drunk and partying with her BFs. she walked out on my father and the three children when I was 5 to go live with some other wayward woman who also was involved with a M man. 

it took me decades to get over it. the pain of the A was stronger and more enduring. 
the breakup of my family was the greatest pain until the A. 

as a young child (even around 3), i knew from the fighting and the secretive conversations that "adult matters" were involved, whatever that means to a child at that time.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

rugswept said:


> my mother was a wayward woman who was drunk and partying with her BFs. she walked out on my father and the three children when I was 5 to go live with some other wayward woman who also was involved with a M man.
> 
> it took me decades to get over it. the pain of the A was stronger and more enduring.
> the breakup of my family was the greatest pain until the A.
> ...


There is a growing trend among women these days, especially professional women, to walk out on their husbands and kids when marriage and family are no longer as important as career and status. It is frightening. There is a woman right now working for my company who is divorcing her husband and leaving her small kids with him while she takes a new position in a city across the country. 

How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> There is a growing trend among women these days, especially professional women, to walk out on their husbands and kids when marriage and family are no longer as important as career and status. It is frightening. There is a woman right now working for my company who is divorcing her husband and leaving her small kids with him while she takes a new position in a city across the country.
> 
> How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


This is interesting especially if it is starting to trend.

Men have been doing this for a long time however and nurturing natures are hardly gender specific.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I wouldn't be surprised if divorce from infidelity is much harder on kids than divorce for other reasons. If the divorce is because the parents aren't getting along anymore, the kid can externalize it as something like "They aren't getting along, but I didn't do anything wrong and they still love me." But with infidelity, the kid may feel like they were somehow responsible. Since the parent picked another person, the kid may think that their family wasn't good enough. They may think that if they were a better kid or loved the parent more, then the parent would have been happier and would not have picked someone else. Essentially, it's like the parent is being unfaithful to the kids as well as the spouse. And that's not even considering how contentious and acrimonious the parents relationship becomes after infidelity. Its just a bad situation piled on top of another bad situation.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

wilson said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if divorce from infidelity is much harder on kids than divorce for other reasons. If the divorce is because the parents aren't getting along anymore, the kid can externalize it as something like "They aren't getting along, but I didn't do anything wrong and they still love me." But with infidelity, the kid may feel like they were somehow responsible. Since the parent picked another person, the kid may think that their family wasn't good enough. They may think that if they were a better kid or loved the parent more, then the parent would have been happier and would not have picked someone else. Essentially, it's like the parent is being unfaithful to the kids as well as the spouse. And that's not even considering how contentious and acrimonious the parents relationship becomes after infidelity. Its just a bad situation piled on top of another bad situation.




And this is partly why I go mental when I hear people spout nonsense about cheating so they can stay in a marriage they’re not happy in.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> There is a growing trend among women these days, especially professional women, to walk out on their husbands and kids when marriage and family are no longer as important as career and status. It is frightening. There is a woman right now working for my company who is divorcing her husband and leaving her small kids with him while she takes a new position in a city across the country.
> 
> How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


Being divorced hurts a woman’s status. A person who allows the other parent to raise the kids isn’t looked kindly upon in the dating market.

I doubt this is a trend. I’ve never seen this among high-income, career women. It’s poor women who tend to do that.

My neighbor makes twice what her husband makes. Her sister makes about half a million a year and her husband is now a house husband. My wife makes 3.5 times what I make. She’s floated the idea of me becoming a house husband, which will never, ever happen.

None of these women would abandon their children, and their husbands provide flexibility that allows them to take those jobs.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Yes, I think living with divorce due to infidelity is harder than other reasons for divorce. If it's just two people who can't live together for compatibility reasons, the kid can at least maintain respect for both parents, but when one is a cheater, that violates the relationship with the kid as well as the spouse. 

I know my MIL's infidelity and the resultant destruction/divorce had a major impact on the girl who would grow up an become my wife... to the point that she was given a very negative view of sex at a young age which when subsequently augmented with other sex-negative experiences, has made it very hard for her to overcome. 

It's also particularly tough to remain with the parent who blew up the marriage. You end up living with the one you know didn't care enough to support you or the family and rarely seeing the one who you thought might actually care.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> There is a growing trend among women these days, especially professional women, to walk out on their husbands and kids when marriage and family are no longer as important as career and status. It is frightening. There is a woman right now working for my company who is divorcing her husband and leaving her small kids with him while she takes a new position in a city across the country.
> 
> 
> 
> How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


She has been given over to a depraved mind. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I will add that growing up in a single parent home with peace and love is a 100x better than two parents with strife.


I wish I had realized this 14 years ago when I first realized things in my first marriage were never going to change. I stayed 7-8 more years, and it REALLY hurt my kids 😞


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally I am proud of my mother for divorcing my cheating father. Love them both dearly, close to them both, but she did the right thing. He shouldn't have cheated but once he did divorce was the right choice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> There is a growing trend among women these days, especially professional women, to walk out on their husbands and kids when marriage and family are no longer as important as career and status. It is frightening. There is a woman right now working for my company who is divorcing her husband and leaving her small kids with him while she takes a new position in a city across the country.
> 
> How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


Like the other post says men have done this forever. Most of the times they don't even divorce they just leave their family to make money. Hell some in society call them good men for doing so. If he didn't divorce her husband but just left to take the job would people see her as a bad wife and mother? I personally think long term separation from ones family is akin to emotional abandonment and wrong. Honestly at least she divorced him so he can find a women who wants to be with him and maybe even care for his kids like she won't. Lots of people don't get that chance. 

In the bigger picture maybe you have made the mistake that many people do of assuming women are the "fairer sex". This has been a very long held fallacy but we all need to wake up to the fact that that is just what it is. The truth is they just haven't had the chance to be as ****ty as men because they didn't have the economic or social power to do so. I think the majority of women and men are good, but given the opportunity an equal amount of women are just as ****ty as ****ty men out there, there really is no difference.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Lol at the idea that going to work is an affair/leaving the woman.

Typical "women badder than men" drivel


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When we talk about the effect of infidelity on children, we tend to focus on the effect of divorce.

I've always noticed the effects on the children as the infidelity is active in a marriage. This is when the cheating parent is focused on the affair instead of the family, when the spouse and children become background noise (often irritating background noise), when the entire family unit is held in contempt.

Children feel this devaluing. I've never understood the claim made by both cheating and betrayed spouses that the cheater is 'a good parent.' I simply don't believe that a parent who consistently puts his/her pleasure above time spent with/attention paid to the children is a good parent. Not to mention how painful it is for a child to see the betrayed parent in such hurt and misery.

I think this all has a huge impact on children.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> *She has been given over to a depraved mind.
> *


Welcome to 2018 and beyond.
But she can say "I'm strong!"


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> When we talk about the effect of infidelity on children, we tend to focus on the effect of divorce.
> 
> I've always noticed the effects on the children as the infidelity is active in a marriage. This is when the cheating parent is focused on the affair instead of the family, when the spouse and children become background noise (often irritating background noise), when the entire family unit is held in contempt.
> 
> ...


YES....just ask mine...


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/i-was-seven-when-i-tore-my-family-apart-84002f7c1d90
> 
> 
> > I Was Seven When I Tore My Family Apart
> ...


I'm a child raised seing my fathers affair until he started "the moving out process" whe i was 17. He cheated on my mom their entire marriage and she couldnt go looking for him (he used to travel to visit my grandma and his girlfriends were all from that city) because she had to work and raise me, bro and sis, because my fathers money went entirely for partying.

Ive started reading foruns like this one, SI or LS or even the people from the MSM (non related) when i was 19 and before and it helped me to forgive my father and understand he had a underdeveloped personality (now he had to do a lot of growing up in those years after tjeir divorce, so its easier) and by me forgiving him and treating him respectfully and talking normaly my brothers are closer to forgiving him too. I mostly dont remember anything related to it nowdays, but ometimes i trigger and come back to these foruns read everything i can until i get saturated (once a years or once every 2 years just reading, not answering).

Im really thankfull for all your stories because it helped me so much to be understanding and loving toward human problems. But I know if it wasnt for the books, foruns and a kind of catartic help throught those i would be pretty unstable, especially because my mom almost went insane, so i had to understand why and how she became like that (now im 30 and my mom simply rocks, she is way mentally better than all cheated wifes ive met, but she triggers too and she doesnt even knows what a trigger is, but i know and i understand that she is being harsh not because she isnt a good or loving mother, but because she isnt completely healed).


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

bandit.45 said:


> How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


I couldn't even begin to explain it as it's not something I could ever do. I had a friend years ago who talked her husband into 6 children...he wanted one. When the youngest was 2, she decided she was tired of the whole motherhood thing and moved out. Her children hate her now. When I knew her she prided herself on being the world's best mother. I still don't get it.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/i-was-seven-when-i-tore-my-family-apart-84002f7c1d90
> 
> 
> > I Was Seven When I Tore My Family Apart
> ...



Me, bro and sis were lucky because we didnt need our father financially, because our mother steped up and covered everything thats was basic and some more while karma bus hitted my father so HARD financially that years later (when they finally divorced for real) he even tried to ask for alimony from her.

But the harder part to forgive my father for was the emotional destruction he left behind while he went to live his whatever. My mother was mentally and emotionally instable, would blow for no reason and accuse us of doing things we didnt do, even wake me to slap me and stuff like that. So we were completely deprived of a father and mostly deprived of a mother, and we had no mental/emotional estability at home, and NEVER silence at home for so long that both bro and sis are insecure at everything and anything and have anxiety phases and stuff. I always had to deal with the worst part as i was older, but i always had this introspection to observe and read and rationalize everything, something they dont have, making it harder for them to understand.

My fathers self-love, egoism and lack of empathy cheating mom for almost 2 decades messed part of us 4 that we had and still have to deal and rebuid (or build even better).


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's too damned bad that most adulterers tend to think with their crotches instead of with their cranium!

Their children, more often than not, are simply the unwitting victims of infidelity's clutches! *


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> There is a growing trend among women these days, especially professional women, to walk out on their husbands and kids when marriage and family are no longer as important as career and status. It is frightening. There is a woman right now working for my company who is divorcing her husband and leaving her small kids with him while she takes a new position in a city across the country.
> 
> How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


I could never ever have left my children no matter what. Parents can be so completely selfish. :crying:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> There is a growing trend among women these days, .....
> 
> How can a woman do that? Doesn't that go against a female's programming?


It should, but society is reprograming women and men. Look at how acceptable abortion became. Destroying a baby would be the biggest horror I could imagine. Now you have States that have past laws to allow post birth infanticide under the code name abortion.

The times have changed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Young at Heart said:


> Now you have States that have past laws to allow post birth infanticide under the code name abortion.


Not true.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/26/health/abortion-bill-trump.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outl...er-false-claim-about-abortion-rile-up-voters/

One could go on. You're being played if you believe this drivel.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

moon7 said:


> Me, bro and sis were lucky because we didnt need our father financially, because our mother steped up and covered everything thats was basic and some more while karma bus hitted my father so HARD financially that years later (when they finally divorced for real) he even tried to ask for alimony from her.
> 
> But the harder part to forgive my father for was the emotional destruction he left behind while he went to live his whatever. My mother was mentally and emotionally instable, would blow for no reason and accuse us of doing things we didnt do, even wake me to slap me and stuff like that. So we were completely deprived of a father and mostly deprived of a mother, and we had no mental/emotional estability at home, and NEVER silence at home for so long that both bro and sis are insecure at everything and anything and have anxiety phases and stuff. I always had to deal with the worst part as i was older, but i always had this introspection to observe and read and rationalize everything, something they dont have, making it harder for them to understand.
> 
> My fathers self-love, egoism and lack of empathy cheating mom for almost 2 decades messed part of us 4 that we had and still have to deal and rebuid (or build even better).


You say you've forgiven your father. Has he changed and taken responsibility for what he did to all of you?


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> moon7 said:
> 
> 
> > Me, bro and sis were lucky because we didnt need our father financially, because our mother steped up and covered everything thats was basic and some more while karma bus hitted my father so HARD financially that years later (when they finally divorced for real) he even tried to ask for alimony from her.
> ...


In his way he think he "almost" have: he made a complete bedroom for us in his new house with the last lover (the one he married), but my forgiveness is independent of anything. He has "grown up" because now he has way more empathy and learned to be responsible by himself (my mother was almost like his mother).


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> moon7 said:
> 
> 
> > Me, bro and sis were lucky because we didnt need our father financially, because our mother steped up and covered everything thats was basic and some more while karma bus hitted my father so HARD financially that years later (when they finally divorced for real) he even tried to ask for alimony from her.
> ...


 @alte Dame

But no, I dont think he will ever be able to admit and understand the whole destruction he left behind, both for lacking of lack of inteligence and lack of emotional courage to face it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Marduk said:


> And this is partly why I go mental when I hear people spout nonsense about cheating so they can stay in a marriage they’re not happy in.


yeah, like children are so resilient.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

moon7 said:


> I'm a child raised seing my fathers affair until he started "the moving out process" whe i was 17. He cheated on my mom their entire marriage and she couldnt go looking for him (he used to travel to visit my grandma and his girlfriends were all from that city) because she had to work and raise me, bro and sis, because my fathers money went entirely for partying.
> 
> Ive started reading foruns like this one, SI or LS or even the people from the MSM (non related) when i was 19 and before and it helped me to forgive my father and understand he had a underdeveloped personality (now he had to do a lot of growing up in those years after tjeir divorce, so its easier) and by me forgiving him and treating him respectfully and talking normaly my brothers are closer to forgiving him too. I mostly dont remember anything related to it nowdays, but ometimes i trigger and come back to these foruns read everything i can until i get saturated (once a years or once every 2 years just reading, not answering).
> 
> Im really thankfull for all your stories because it helped me so much to be understanding and loving toward human problems. But I know if it wasnt for the books, foruns and a kind of catartic help throught those i would be pretty unstable, especially because my mom almost went insane, so i had to understand why and how she became like that (now im 30 and my mom simply rocks, she is way mentally better than all cheated wifes ive met, but she triggers too and she doesnt even knows what a trigger is, but i know and i understand that she is being harsh not because she isnt a good or loving mother, but because she isnt completely healed).


(((moon7)))


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> moon7 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm a child raised seing my fathers affair until he started "the moving out process" whe i was 17. He cheated on my mom their entire marriage and she couldnt go looking for him (he used to travel to visit my grandma and his girlfriends were all from that city) because she had to work and raise me, bro and sis, because my fathers money went entirely for partying.
> ...


? @NextTimeAround


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

moon7 said:


> ? @NextTimeAround


Those are hugs.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> moon7 said:
> 
> 
> > ? @NextTimeAround
> ...


Thank you.


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## gerasd (11 mo ago)

Infidelity affects children in different ways, depending on the circumstances. Many children - especially younger ones - are not aware of their parents' infidelity. However, they will be able to catch the painful feelings and anger that infidelity can cause in their parents. Even if older children are not told directly what is going on, they may pick up signs of infidelity or understand that their parents feel offended or betrayed to some extent. When my husband and I divorced because of his affair, I sometimes played with the children in would you rather questions funny to understand how they felt about it and how they feel. Unfortunately, the youngest daughter has been closed to me for almost two years.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I totally supported my mother when she first planned to divorce my father after he cheated but unfortunately she changed her mind and stayed. My relationship with him was never the same and I didn't feel secure in my family ever again. Not every child would react as strongly to a parent not divorcing as I did but many do. There's obviously no solution that neatly fits every circumstance.


Also, once a cheater is allowed to return, what message does that teach the children?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Annonymous Joe said:


> Also, once a cheater is allowed to return, what message does that teach the children?


It teaches them that cheating is a normal part of marriage. It teaches them that one of their parents doesn’t have the self respect to walk away when they are humiliated.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It teaches them that cheating is a normal part of marriage. It teaches them that one of their parents doesn’t have the self respect to walk away when they are humiliated.


Agree. That was my point. Love is hard, no doubt, but once somewhat treats you like a doormat, they will do it again.........as her Father did again years later.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Annonymous Joe said:


> Agree. That was my point. Love is hard, no doubt, but once somewhat treats you like a doormat, they will do it again.........as her Father did again years later.


If there are no consequences for cheating (beyond a few tears, which the cheater doesn't care about anyway) then there's no reason for them to NOT cheat again.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If there are no consequences for cheating (beyond a few tears, which the cheater doesn't care about anyway) then there's no reason for them to NOT cheat again.


Correct. I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater, but sometimes, and many times, that bell will ring twice.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Annonymous Joe said:


> Correct. I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater, but sometimes, and many times, that bell will ring twice.


I do believe someone can cheat, lose their relationship and be faithful in their next one. But trust is SO important to me, I couldn't stay with someone I can't trust. Plus it is so utterly and completely humiliating; I can't imagine begging a man to "pick me," especially after he's made it clear he's no longer attracted to me and doesn't love me.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I do believe someone can cheat, lose their relationship and be faithful in their next one. But trust is SO important to me, I couldn't stay with someone I can't trust. Plus it is so utterly and completely humiliating; I can't imagine begging a man to "pick me," especially after he's made it clear he's no longer attracted to me and doesn't love me.


Agree. Or woman for that fact as well. Cuts both ways. The key is the trust. A lot of cheaters or dishonest people never learn from their mistakes, and float through life without true repentance of their behavior and instead justify it by blaming others. It's easier on them. I see it all the time. Accountability is hard, especially when you know your actions hurt others.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Annonymous Joe said:


> A lot of cheaters or dishonest people never learn from their mistakes, and float through life without true repentance of their behavior and instead justify it by blaming others.


Cheaters don't feel they made mistakes. They believe that they are entitled to do as they please, when they please, and anyone who says differently is flawed in some way.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Cheaters don't feel they made mistakes. They believe that they are entitled to do as they please, when they please, and anyone who says differently is flawed in some way.


That is a great way to put it. It's easier to cheat then to address the true issues at hand and work on them.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Annonymous Joe said:


> That is a great way to put it. It's easier to cheat then to address the true issues at hand and work on them.


There don't even have to be issues. Cheaters are going to cheat and then create "issues" so they can blame the victim.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There don't even have to be issues. Cheaters are going to cheat and then create "issues" so they can blame the victim.


Amen.


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

I never told my children that their father cheated on me. Not to mention the fact that she is now their stepmom many years later. I have always worried that if they knew they would either hate him (and definitely her), or end up cheaters themselves one day.


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