# I found his sex ad



## Lalila (Sep 11, 2013)

We are a couple in our forties. Been together for nearly 3 years. I have a long marriage behind me that left me widowed. He is divorced from a short marriage with unstable ex. After their divorce his ex found her inner BDSM and is now in a taken in hand relationship that is not monogamous. 

My husband and I have a good relationship, healthy daily sex life. Even we're not that young, we've been trying to have a child together since we neither have any before. I'm not prude, we have sex at least every day, try new things etc. But I do have limits. He suggested swinging. I guess something his now ex, now swinging, ex had had in her mind. I am jealous kind and we're trying to have a baby, so that was absolute no and dealbreaker for me. Had a huge fight, he backed out. And now I find that he had already posted an sex ad from us looking for other couples for swap. 

I don't know what to think. Obviously his unstable ex has affected his judgement. If he wanted kinky, why the hell did he divorce her? And no, there's nothing submissive in me, and I'm not into BDSM either. 

What sort of guy makes an ad behind his wife's back, looking for other couples?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yikes, you must have your head swimming. You poor thing!

TAM has several sections and this is the Sex in Marriage section. I see by your question you are trying to understand his sexuality and why would a man trying to have a baby with his wife, want to suddenly involve other couples. My only response would be, because he's a douche bag? 

I think you have a lot of very serious issues here and the most important one is, do you require monogamy and is his behavior a deal breaker for you?

I can already hear you making excuses for him, that association with his ex wife corrupted him. And since he's an adult, he takes full responsibility for his behavior no matter who is standing next to him.

So, is this a deal breaker? I think you should consider moving this thread, or reposting this in the Coping with Infedelity section.Theyre pretty good at helping a spouse learn some skills to cope with what you're going through.


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## Lalila (Sep 11, 2013)

I move this here from the sex section. 
We are a couple in our forties. Been together for nearly 3 years. I have a long marriage behind me that left me widowed. He is divorced from a short marriage with unstable ex. After their divorce his ex found her inner BDSM and is now in a taken in hand relationship that is not monogamous.

My husband and I have a good relationship, healthy daily sex life. Even we're not that young, we've been trying to have a child together since we neither have any before. I'm not prude, we have sex at least every day, try new things etc. But I do have limits. He suggested swinging. I guess something his now ex, now swinging, ex had had in her mind. I am jealous kind and we're trying to have a baby, so that was absolute no and dealbreaker for me. Had a huge fight, he backed out. And now I find that he had already posted an sex ad from us looking for other couples for swap.

I don't know what to think. Obviously his unstable ex has affected his judgement. If he wanted kinky, why the hell did he divorce her? And no, there's nothing submissive in me, and I'm not into BDSM either.

What sort of guy makes an ad behind his wife's back, looking for other couples?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

"What sort of guy makes an ad behind his wife's back, looking for other couples? "

The type thats not being fully truthful about a number of things.
He may have placed the ad having seen some of the opportunities out there and considered what his ex was doing and wanted to try it himself. However, if you do a positive sex life and he isnt making suggestions at the time it might be a fantasy thats starting to grow on him. 
The fact that your trying for a baby and he looking for you both to have other partners is concerning. You cannot be trying for a baby and placing yourself in open sexual encounters unless hes hoping that some guy may make you pregant. I doubt thats in you mind at this point (if ever). You really need to sit and talk this put calmly and see where hes comiing from and why he placed the and before asking you. There and not many wives that would want to join in a swingers envionment.


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## Lalila (Sep 11, 2013)

There's no way I'm open to swinging. Even if we were not trying for a baby. He made the suggestion and we delt with it, badly. I explained it to myself that it was not so considered suggestion, kind of a whim of a moment or something. 
And now I found the ad that tells me it was considered and the ad had been there for along time. It insults me. Not the fact so much that he wants another woman whomever. But that he is willing to have me laid by whomever and we do want the child so we have no birth control. 
I don't think he got responses to his ad, but it tells me a lot how much he appreciates me.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Print out the ad and hit him with it and divorce papers at the same time. You can always back down from Divorce. it would really let him know how you feel about the whole thing. I mean swinging is a deal breaker for you and it seems that he is dead set on doing it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lalila said:


> What sort of guy makes an ad behind his wife's back, looking for other couples?


Not a good one. I agree with the others.

His actions are unethical, and the vast majority of swingers would agree. When couples swing, it only works if both are fully invested in the idea. When only one member of a couple does, he needs verifiable permission before most swingers will have anything to do with him - swingers hate cheaters too, and he'll quickly develop a bad reputation if he becomes known.

He probably won't get far, but he's already crossed all reasonable boundaries going behind your back - basically, he's intending to cheat on you.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to let him know that you aren't sure you want to be with him. I agree he needs a scare and a shake up. 

He has been deceitful and pressuring you is very wrong. 

He needs to be able to put you and your marriage first and you need to be able to trust him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What did he say when you told him you would not swing? Did you express that you require monogamy from him as well?

Also, do you know if he has met anyone through this ad? 

To be safe, please get tested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Lalila said:


> I move this here from the sex section.
> We are a couple in our forties. Been together for nearly 3 years. I have a long marriage behind me that left me widowed. He is divorced from a short marriage with unstable ex. After their divorce his ex found her inner BDSM and is now in a taken in hand relationship that is not monogamous.
> 
> My husband and I have a good relationship, healthy daily sex life. Even we're not that young, we've been trying to have a child together since we neither have any before. I'm not prude, we have sex at least every day, try new things etc. But I do have limits. He suggested swinging. I guess something his now ex, now swinging, ex had had in her mind. I am jealous kind and we're trying to have a baby, so that was absolute no and dealbreaker for me. Had a huge fight, he backed out. And now I find that he had already posted an sex ad from us looking for other couples for swap.
> ...


I have an alternate theory here maybe the ex got into BDSM because your H and her were swingers and she got introduced to it that way. I am sorry but he calls his ex unstable but he wants to go out and swing. I think you need to stop letting him blame his issues on his ex wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh. This is bad. Very bad indeed.
Whatever he told you about his ex wife? 

Doubt it. He might be lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I doubt that the ex is the only unstable one. Don't blame the ex. The blame falls squarely on your husband. Whatever the ex did, does, should be on her, period. Why in the world does your husband know so much about her new found interest?

There is lots of smoke here. There is more behind what your husband is asking. And as I said before, the ex is not the only one who is unstable and you are blameshifting too much on the ex.

I would go keylogger, VAR for the car. Back off on letting him know you are checking on him. There are red flags here big time.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

IMO sometimes men use these sites to explore areas of their sexuality that is off limits at home. He may just be doing this to satisfy whatever fantasy he has. It does not necessarily mean he's searching or that he'll go through with it. Just a way for a curious guy to see what's happening in that fantasy world.

That being said, it should never have been done in secrecy. If he feels he has to hide something from you it's wrong no matter what.


Just saying..


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> IMO sometimes men use these sites to explore areas of their sexuality that is off limits at home. He may just be doing this to satisfy whatever fantasy he has. It does not necessarily mean he's searching or that he'll go through with it. Just a way for a curious guy to see what's happening in that fantasy world.
> 
> That being said, it should never have been done in secrecy. If he feels he has to hide something from you it's wrong no matter what.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I agree here. If he posted an ad, that more or less implies intent.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Lalila said:


> I move this here from the sex section.
> We are a couple in our forties. Been together for nearly 3 years. I have a long marriage behind me that left me widowed. He is divorced from a short marriage with unstable ex. After their divorce his ex found her inner BDSM and is now in a taken in hand relationship that is not monogamous.
> 
> My husband and I have a good relationship, healthy daily sex life. Even we're not that young, we've been trying to have a child together since we neither have any before. I'm not prude, we have sex at least every day, try new things etc. But I do have limits. He suggested swinging. I guess something his now ex, now swinging, ex had had in her mind. I am jealous kind and we're trying to have a baby, so that was absolute no and dealbreaker for me. Had a huge fight, he backed out. And now I find that he had already posted an sex ad from us looking for other couples for swap.
> ...


My wife and I are swingers. We mutually decided to try it out and we never went behind each others back. Your man has issues and I can almost guarantee he is doing things behind your back.


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## Lalila (Sep 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Oh. This is bad. Very bad indeed.
> Whatever he told you about his ex wife?
> 
> Doubt it. He might be lying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't. His ex has a blog, where she tells these things. 

He said that I am more important when i confronted him but the I didn't know he was so far that he had already posted an couples ad for us. The ad had been there for a long time behind my back. Good thing is that last visit is before the fight. If he has got anwers, I dont know. 

If he cheated or not, he at least tried his best to cheat.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why haven't you shown this ad to your husband? It's disrespectful and degrading. Don't play games and wait any longer. Put it in front of him and tell in in no uncertain terms that your not into swinging, not into BDSM and not interested in being his ****. Make sure that he understands that you are his wife and will be treated with the dignity and respect that you deserve and most importantly have earned. Don't mince your words and let him know that if he's not satisfied with you he has the option to go back to his first wife just as fast as he can pack up and go. And please don't let him try to sweet talk you in to it. You have your boundaries and you stick to them.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lalila said:


> I don't. His ex has a blog, where she tells these things.
> 
> He said that I am more important when i confronted him but the I didn't know he was so far that he had already posted an couples ad for us. The ad had been there for a long time behind my back. Good thing is that last visit is before the fight. If he has got anwers, I dont know.
> 
> If he cheated or not, he at least tried his best to cheat.


Did his ad include you as a couple, or just him? If it was for a couple, he obviously hoped you'd be willing to try it, and as such he couldn't proceed without you, and if that's true he did not plan to cheat. If he was posting as a single male or as the only half of the couple playing, then he was intending to go ahead with or without you. However, it is a good sign that he didn't go back on after you declined.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You different ways to understand relationships/marriage are too far from the other. He's will get eventualy frustrated in a tradicional monogamus marriage (already is) and he's already proven he's capable of doing things on your back if you don't go along with his wishes.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Sometimes you can only view the content if you have an ad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lalila (Sep 11, 2013)

It was a couple's ad looking for other couple's. So good thing is he had included me in his plans, just he didn't ask me. I wouldn't even go for direct sex ad, I need to know my partner. I'm not the kind of person for anonymous sex. He should know me. 

My husband is somewhat inexperienced too. His ex was his only relationship before me. And I shouldn't make excuses for him.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Lalila said:


> I move this here from the sex section.
> We are a couple in our forties. Been together for nearly 3 years. I have a long marriage behind me that left me widowed. He is divorced from a short marriage with unstable ex. After their divorce his ex found her inner BDSM and is now in a taken in hand relationship that is not monogamous.
> 
> My husband and I have a good relationship, healthy daily sex life. Even we're not that young, we've been trying to have a child together since we neither have any before. I'm not prude, we have sex at least every day, try new things etc. But I do have limits. He suggested swinging. I guess something his now ex, now swinging, ex had had in her mind. I am jealous kind and we're trying to have a baby, so that was absolute no and dealbreaker for me. Had a huge fight, he backed out. And now I find that he had already posted an sex ad from us looking for other couples for swap.
> ...


The kind of guy that is a selfish, deceitful, a$$. How do I know? I did the same thing with fantasies dancing in my head of either convincing her to try swinging (not a chance) or finding partners to cheat with. Do I know better? Yes, I do now and did then. Glad my plans never came to pass as it would have broken us even more than we are. 

Talk to him. Lay down your boundaries. Make it clear to him he's blown his marriage to pieces. If you give him a chance to reconcile and build a new marriage that's entirely up to you.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

A very close friend of mine, her husband would not let it rest and was always on her to do this. Both divorce now. YIKES....DAMAGES yourself, marriage if YOU ARE NOT wanting this yourself. 

FILE DIVORCE AND BE ON YOUR WAY!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There's nothing wrong with asking or proposing the idea, but there is if he continues to push it once you've said no. It sounds like he stopped pursuing it once you said no, so that's a good sign.

A lot of people fantasize about this stuff, some look into it, some get involved only for the social (not sexual) aspects, and some participate to various degrees and for various lengths of time. You've set your boundaries. He now needs to respect them, and if he does, that should be the end of it - no harm done.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

He is having these fantasies and this will not change, I know from experience. Fantasies fester and don't go away. He will eventually act on them. If not right now, later.
You are putting your health in danger if you continue to have sex with him. I know you want children but you don't want their father to be a pervert. My kids call my ex a pervert because of the idiot stuff he did.

Please take care of yourself, it's apparent he's not going to watch out for you.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Bottom line is that he is hiding something from you, disrespecting you and putting pressure on you to do something you already said no to. What you do from here is up to you. You deserve someone who trusts you, respects you and your boundaries. If you don't feel he can give that to you, then ask yourself if you want to be with a man who will treat you this way for the rest of your lives together. Something needs to change. Either he shapes up, or you ship out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

His ex has a blog, where she tells these things.


That's nice. Ugh.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Tomara said:


> He is having these fantasies and this will not change, I know from experience. Fantasies fester and don't go away. He will eventually act on them. If not right now, later.
> You are putting your health in danger if you continue to have sex with him. I know you want children but you don't want their father to be a pervert. My kids call my ex a pervert because of the idiot stuff he did.
> 
> Please take care of yourself, it's apparent he's not going to watch out for you.


I completely disagree. Most people have fantasies they never act on.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I found out my husband had been meeting with swingers behind my back for 8 years. Never once in our 13 years together did he ask for a threesome. Look closely at the ad and see if it has a certify button, that's how I caught my husband. At least seven couples endorsed him and he endorsed them back. My point is, when I met him he said he hates strip clubs - that is a lie. He said he he has never used prostitutes. He fabricated stories to throw me off track and yours might be doing the same.

You could try and create a fake profile and see if hell respond to your solicitation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

My H pressures me about once a month to go out to a kinky place. He has taken me to check out a nudist residence. We were fully clothed. He stood there watching people having sex. I felt awkward and stepped out He wants to watch me flirt and get picked up. I communicated that I couldn't do it and why. Despite my clear communication he persists. 

Close friend said he's pushing for the lifestyle and wanting to see other guys or women hit on me so when he has sex with someone else he won't feel as guilty if I also partaken. In his mind it was cheating (if the other isn't interested). This has been going on for > 2 years and we are in our 50's.

I think if both partners want the lifestyle then why not partake in it and enjoy! But when one isn't, I think it can hurt you and your relationship on so many levels.

Please think hard about whether this man is providing the love and the respect to the level that you need before having a child with him. Do you want the child to have to be subjected to what appears to be tension and discord?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, as others have said, this has nothing to do with his EX. These are his actions alone and he is not trustworthy.

Think about bringing a child into this world with this man. I would wait. I don't think he will change.

You can't scare or bribe someone out of their sexual behaviors.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Lalila said:


> We are a couple in our forties. Been together for nearly 3 years. I have a long marriage behind me that left me widowed. He is divorced from a short marriage with unstable ex. After their divorce his ex found her inner BDSM and is now in a taken in hand relationship that is not monogamous.
> 
> My husband and I have a good relationship, healthy daily sex life. Even we're not that young, we've been trying to have a child together since we neither have any before. I'm not prude, we have sex at least every day, try new things etc. But I do have limits. He suggested swinging. I guess something his now ex, now swinging, ex had had in her mind. I am jealous kind and we're trying to have a baby, so that was absolute no and dealbreaker for me. Had a huge fight, he backed out. And now I find that he had already posted an sex ad from us looking for other couples for swap.
> 
> ...


Husband suggests swinging...

You are not a wife. You are a fvckbuddy. He has NO LOVE or RESPECT for you. There is no way a man who loves and adores his wife would ever suggest such a thing... The genie is out of the bottle. There is no going back from this IMHO.

Choice 1. Stay with him and be in a relationship where he doesn't care about your feelings and be prepared for heartache over and over.

Choice 2. Leave him and be free to pursue happiness.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

And another thing...........

I don't think this just came to him out of the blue. I believe he has been doing this for a while. Which means he deceived you into marrying him without knowing everything. This is the worst kind of hurt because you had no idea what you were signing up for. I would be p!ssed.


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

badbane said:


> I have an alternate theory here maybe the ex got into BDSM because your H and her were swingers and she got introduced to it that way. I am sorry but he calls his ex unstable but he wants to go out and swing. I think you need to stop letting him blame his issues on his ex wife.


Um, what he said.

I'm going to get flamed, but OP, please honey, run like a rabbit.

Personal confession, way back before most the posters here were born, my wife and I dabbled in that life style.
NOBODY ever posted without their partners permission. Nobody.
Not Kosher, not swinging etiquette, heck, it's not quite right in the head.

You may have wasted three years, but you are still young enough to find another loving monogamous spouse.

Swinging is very addictive, dopamine rush, excitement, a real sleigh ride. He's had it, he misses it, and yes, it breaks up marriages real fast a lot of the times.
I've known couple that were happy as clams after swinging for decades. Known more that blew apart very darn shortly.
Best of luck hon.


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