# Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!



## rmh85

Hi, I'm new to here and would just like to ask for some advice.

I separated from husband in September, and we planned to live apart for a year and then divorce. We thought our marriage was finished.

My husband had been seeing someone around December time, and had been on a few dates with this person. They have slept together.

Since January, my husband and I have been in contact (we hadn't been in contact since we separated) and have decided we would like to try and see if we can save our marriage. All good.

However, he has now made it perfectly clear that the person he had been seeing will continue to be a part of his life! He wants that person to be in his life, and has now insisted they will be friends only, but that the person will be in his life. He would also like me to be friends with them!

He thinks I'm being unreasonable in saying that it is totally and utterly inappropriate. I don't think it's appropriate that he should remain friends with this person.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated - am I being unreasonable here?

Thanks!


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## MelodyAnn

Geez, is this real? Some of these stories here seem so hard to believe!! That being said, if you are really going through this situation with the _outrageous_ request from your husband, it's a perfectly clear sign that you should proceed with divorce. If he wants to continue interacting with this woman who he's slept with, he is not serious about reconciling and is not willing to make a total commitment to you. Just get away from him!! The best response to his demand is to *kick him to the curb!*


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## rmh85

MelodyAnn said:


> Geez, is this real? Some of these stories here seem so hard to believe!! That being said, if you are really going through this situation with the _outrageous_ request from your husband, it's a perfectly clear sign that you should proceed with divorce. If he wants to continue interacting with this woman who he's slept with, he is not serious about reconciling and is not willing to make a total commitment to you. Just get away from him!! The best response to his demand is to *kick him to the curb!*


Thank you for your response MelodyAnn. I'm glad that someone else thinks it's outrageous as he keeps telling me that I am being ridiculous in asking him to stop being friends with this person. This had led to me questioning whether I am being unreasonable in requesting he have no further contact with this person...! :/

He has told me that I am being unreasonable in telling him that I don't want him to have any further contact with this person. 

Sadly, during our marriage I was unwell. I have since been diagnosed with a mental disorder and I am determined to make our marriage work. My behaviour before was appalling - I did make him cut friends out of his life for no reason. I now am getting the help I need and I am feeling much better.

He says that my past behaviour means that it is unreasonable for me to request him to stop being friends with this person. I find it difficult to protest against this. I really don't think it's appropriate that he remains friends with this person, in anyway whatsoever. He says that I am just acting as I did before, but I'm not. I simply find it ridiculous that he expects to continue to be friends with this person. Surely, even with my previously bad behaviour (due to an undiagnosed mental illness), any reasonable person would see that this is a perfectly reasonable request? It's not as if I'm requesting he stop seeing a friend for no reason - there is a genuine reason as to why he should not have any further contact with this person if he wants to save our marriage. Or am I being unreasonable?


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## LongWalk

Are you kidding?

Tell your husband that OW can toss your salad on Friday nights while he does the dishes and laundry. Once they have got the chores done she can go home.


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## rmh85

LongWalk said:


> Are you kidding?
> 
> Tell your husband that OW can toss your salad on Friday nights while he does the dishes and laundry. Once they have got the chores done she can go home.


Haha, thanks for the response LongWalk. 

His response to me is that you don't just cut people out of your life. He thinks I need to realise that we were separated when he slept with them and that there is absolutely no reason for them not to remain friends... :scratchhead: Apparently I'm in the wrong for even suggesting this to him...! :/


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## Married but Happy

He's got a point. You've got a point. My wife and I both have friends who were ex's, but of course they didn't become such while we were married. Your circumstances are unique, though, and it's completely reasonable to not want her involved in your relationship going forward.

Given how short a time he's known her, it shouldn't be so hard to give her up, unless she's a backup plan if you two don't reconcile. Are the issues you separated over likely to be resolved if you both focus on your relationship?


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## rmh85

Married but Happy said:


> He's got a point. You've got a point. My wife and I both have friends who were ex's, but of course they didn't become such while we were married. Your circumstances are unique, though, and it's completely reasonable to not want her involved in your relationship going forward.
> 
> Given how short a time he's known her, it shouldn't be so hard to give her up, unless she's a backup plan if you two don't reconcile. Are the issues you separated over likely to be resolved if you both focus on your relationship?


Thank you for your reply Married but Happy. You are correct, he does have a point. And I do understand that I can never behave the way I did before and demand that he cut people out of his life for no reason. I'm totally aware of that and I am appalled at my past behaviour. However, I do think it's correct that I should be able to say to him that I don't want somebody that he was dating/slept with during our separation to be any part of our lives going forward. I don't think I should even have had to say that to him - surely most folk would realise that this would be completely inappropriate and would not attempt to continue to keep up contact.

Yes, the issues we had will be resolved if we focus on our marriage. The main issue was that I was suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness that led me to behaving appallingly. We now know what we are facing and how to deal with it. 

But I can't do what he wants me to do and simply accept that he is going to maintain contact with this person as I believe that it is completely and utterly wrong. And I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable in sticking to my guns that it is wrong and unacceptable?


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## rrrbbbttt

You were separated, Not Divorced. If you were not divorced the vows of the marriage were still valid between the two of you.

Does he not know that maintaining a "friendship" with others who you have been intimate with will be a painful trigger for the other spouse?

The question comes to me "What is more important, the marriage with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with or the "friendship" that occurred during a time of Crisis in your marriage?"


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## LanieB

I agree with everyone else. This is not an unreasonable request. It's not like he has been friends (& never intimate) with this person for years and you're telling him to get rid of a true "friend". Your husband wants to string both of you along and see which relationship works out. I seriously doubt he wants to be "just friends" with her. I say tell him you want to go ahead with the divorce, as he is unwilling to work on your marriage without keeping a woman on the side. Don't be a doormat.


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## LongWalk

Well, if you want deal with this in a devious way, start socializing with her, befriend her and then set her up with some other guy.

Are bi-polar? You sound very together. Have a sense of humor, etc.


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## Married but Happy

rmh85 said:


> And I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable in sticking to my guns that it is wrong and unacceptable?


I believe it is reasonable for you to insist that he end that relationship and focus on restoring your marriage. If it didn't bother you, and felt he could fully focus on you despite his friend, that would also be reasonable.

Given what you've written, I think you are right and it should be a necessary condition of continuing to reconcile. Stick to your guns. (I do have to ask if you will give up on reconciliation if he won't agree, because that is the alternative unless you give in.)


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## WolverineFan

I want to disclose to you that I work for a Marriage & Family Non-Profit organization and can say, like everyone else, that your request is not unreasonable. Marriage is an exclusive relationship and if the shoes were on the other foot I would guess that he wouldn't want to be friends with a guy you were intimate with while still married to him. Have you guys set-up or discussed marriage counseling yet? Please make that a priority because an unbiased third party will help validate your position in this matter. Hope this helps - blessings to you.


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## MelodyAnn

rmh85 said:


> Thank you for your response MelodyAnn. I'm glad that someone else thinks it's outrageous as he keeps telling me that I am being ridiculous in asking him to stop being friends with this person. This had led to me questioning whether I am being unreasonable in requesting he have no further contact with this person...! :/
> 
> He has told me that I am being unreasonable in telling him that I don't want him to have any further contact with this person.
> 
> Sadly, during our marriage I was unwell. I have since been diagnosed with a mental disorder and I am determined to make our marriage work. My behaviour before was appalling - I did make him cut friends out of his life for no reason. I now am getting the help I need and I am feeling much better.
> 
> He says that my past behaviour means that it is unreasonable for me to request him to stop being friends with this person. I find it difficult to protest against this. I really don't think it's appropriate that he remains friends with this person, in anyway whatsoever. He says that I am just acting as I did before, but I'm not. I simply find it ridiculous that he expects to continue to be friends with this person. Surely, even with my previously bad behaviour (due to an undiagnosed mental illness), any reasonable person would see that this is a perfectly reasonable request? It's not as if I'm requesting he stop seeing a friend for no reason - there is a genuine reason as to why he should not have any further contact with this person if he wants to save our marriage. Or am I being unreasonable?


Listen Sweetie . You are NOT being unreasonable. You are NOT being unreasonable. Again,*you are NOt being unreasonable.* Your request is _completely_ normal, not a sign of mental illness! I think it is inexcusable that he is using a mental health disorder you have to make you question and doubt yourself, to doubt your own judgment. That is a type of mental/emotional abuse. He is being abusive, plain and simple. Mental abuse often involves making the person you're abusing doubt their own judgment or their sanity on any given issue. He is using your disorder to manipulate you, so he can have his cake and eat it too. That is very ugly behavior, and a very bad sign of the type of person he is. I think just from this, that he is basically a jerk, a low-life, and an abusive spouse. He figures if he can keep a connection going with the other woman, he will have her to go back to if you two don't work out. Or, he may even cheat with her on the side, and you won't suspect it because he made sure to set it up in advance where she is an approved friend, and possibly even a friend of you as well. That would make it really convenient for him to cheat and easier to disguise the cheating. She could come around the house because she is an approved friend, someone who is a part of his life, or better yet a part of _both_ your lives! He is tricking you into accepting something you should never tolerate, and using your mental health and past mistakes to trick you with. This current request of his has absolutely nothing to do with and has _no relation_ to your past behavior of asking him to cut out friends. I can't believe he throws the past in your face and tries to compare the two very different circumstances. He knows very well that it's not the same thing, but thinks he can trick you into believing that you don't know what's right/wrong because of your mental health disorder. Truly evil on his part. Please get this clear: She is NOT a friend, she is a recent lover that your husband has had _during your marriage_. It doesn't matter that you were separated. If he no longer wants to be separated he needs to *give her up completely*. She will always be a threat to your marriage if she remains in the picture, always a potential mate for him. He is attempting to mastermind the situation to his own benefit, to have two women, or keep his options open and choose between you two down the road. Don't allow yourself to be fooled by him! I think he knows perfectly well that his demand is unreasonable, but if he can trick you into believing your mental disorder is making you unreasonable on this point, then he can have whatever he wants. This is a very, very dangerous sign of what he will do down the road if you reconcile. If he can succeed in doing this now, then whenever you two argue in the future, he would have no qualms in using your mental disorder to convince you that you are being unreasonable. He will make you doubt your values, your correct judgments, and correct sense of reality, just to manipulate you and get what he wants. This is not just about this one issue. There is a much bigger problem here that it portends. It's a terrible omen of what kind of man you're involved with. His manipulativeness will no doubt show up in other ways. It is unconscionable to use someone's mental disorder to make them doubt any of their normal and completely reasonable judgments. Do you want to be married to a mental abuser like that? I suspect that even if you didn't have an undiagnosed mental disorder during your marriage, he was very manipulative and you just didn't see it. The guilt you are feeling over your past "appalling" behavior is clouding your correct mental compass, and causing you to let him get away with too much. And he is knowingly attempting to use your guilt over the past to cloud your perfectly reasonable judgment in this case. Sorry to hear you are so determined to make a marriage work this man. I wish you could see through him, and kick him to he curb! And, if you have no children together, I wouldn't even give reconciliation a second thought. You can find a much better man, someone who won't use your mental health disorder to manipulate you or doubt yourself when you are perfectly right about something. Find someone who can be totally committed to you and supports you in your efforts to manage the mental health disorder. I highly doubt your spouse could ever help you manage the disorder, given his current behavior, as he is willing to use it as fodder against you.


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## MelodyAnn

rmh85 said:


> Thank you for your reply Married but Happy. You are correct, he does have a point. And I do understand that I can never behave the way I did before and demand that he cut people out of his life for no reason. I'm totally aware of that and I am appalled at my past behaviour. However, I do think it's correct that I should be able to say to him that I don't want somebody that he was dating/slept with during our separation to be any part of our lives going forward. I don't think I should even have had to say that to him - surely most folk would realise that this would be completely inappropriate and would not attempt to continue to keep up contact.
> 
> Yes, the issues we had will be resolved if we focus on our marriage. The main issue was that I was suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness that led me to behaving appallingly. We now know what we are facing and how to deal with it.
> 
> But I can't do what he wants me to do and simply accept that he is going to maintain contact with this person as I believe that it is completely and utterly wrong. And I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable in sticking to my guns that it is wrong and unacceptable?


I don't think he has ANY point at all! Just trying to have his cake and eat it too, and not unwilling to fool his wife in the process.


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## melw74

rmh85 said:


> Hi, I'm new to here and would just like to ask for some advice.
> 
> I separated from husband in September, and we planned to live apart for a year and then divorce. We thought our marriage was finished.
> 
> My husband had been seeing someone around December time, and had been on a few dates with this person. They have slept together.
> 
> Since January, my husband and I have been in contact (we hadn't been in contact since we separated) and have decided we would like to try and see if we can save our marriage. All good.
> 
> 
> However, he has now made it perfectly clear that the person he had been seeing will continue to be a part of his life! He wants that person to be in his life, and has now insisted they will be friends only, but that the person will be in his life. He would also like me to be friends with them!
> 
> He thinks I'm being unreasonable in saying that it is totally and utterly inappropriate. I don't think it's appropriate that he should remain friends with this person.
> 
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated - am I being unreasonable here?
> 
> Thanks!


OMG....... He is having a laugh, he must be. He wants to get back with you, but he wants to stay friends with the girl he was cheating on you with, and also wants you to be friends also..... I think hes taking the bloody P**s. And if your actually considering this then your nuts ( not being nasty).

He thinks your being unreasonable, well i think hes being a right Jerk.

Please, your the one if anyone who should have the terms, but me, I would tell him he can take her be friends with her, but without you.

All i can see is him wanting his cake and eat it, He wants you and he wants her to.

I do not think he wants just to be friends with her, and even if he did, could you really trust him.... Just being friends???.

Let him have her, but do not let him have you.


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## Hope1964

Your husband is a complete idiot for even proposing such a ridiculous thing.


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## thummper

rmh85 said:


> Hi, I'm new to here and would just like to ask for some advice.
> 
> I separated from husband in September, and we planned to live apart for a year and then divorce. We thought our marriage was finished.
> 
> My husband had been seeing someone around December time, and had been on a few dates with this person. They have slept together.
> 
> Since January, my husband and I have been in contact (we hadn't been in contact since we separated) and have decided we would like to try and see if we can save our marriage. All good.
> 
> However,* he has now made it perfectly clear that the person he had been seeing will continue to be a part of his life!* He wants that person to be in his life, and has now insisted they will be friends only, but that the person will be in his life. He would also like me to be friends with them!
> 
> He thinks I'm being unreasonable in saying that it is totally and utterly inappropriate. I don't think it's appropriate that he should remain friends with this person.
> 
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated - am I being unreasonable here?
> 
> Thanks!


Honey, if you can put up with that BS, you're a lot dumber than I think you are. Let him know *in no uncertain terms *that if he wants to be with you, she's out of the picture.....permanently! If he can't do that, then he's not really serious about getting back with you and you'd be foolish to accept him back under those circumstances.


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## clipclop2

How does she feel about your alleged reconciliation with your husband? Is she on board? Does she even know?

Which of you is plan B?

You are in contact with him but you aren't getting back together. Sorry. Dumping him is the only way


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## Pepper123

Wow. Yeah no.... that is an absolute deal breaker.


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## poppyseed

Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing! - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

Looks like there's the same thread going on....Moderator: please remove the link if this is not allowed. Thank you x


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