# Should I tell my husband about my affair?



## Meli

Recently I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I told him I no longer loved him, I wasn't happy and I wanted out. This was hard fo rme to tell him. I do love him, just not as much as I should and it has been hard for me to admit that to myself, let alone to him. 

He was and still is heartbroken. We are looking at options right now to seperate. But in the meantime he is doing everything possible to "win me back". He is cleaning the house, talking about his mistakes, buying me things, declaring that he knows I will change my mind. I won't. What he doesn't know is that I had an affair. The AP and I ended it on our own months ago. I am thinking of telling my husband. I hadn't planned to because I didn't see the point and I don't want to hurt him further. But I don't know how else to make him see how and why I feel like I do. I don't know how else to make him stop blaming himself for my feelings now. It's not him. I do regret the affair. It was selfish and my husband didn't deserve that. I know if I tell him he will hate me. He will tell all of our family and friends. He will make life hell for the AP. But I can't end our marriage by merely telling him I don't love him anymore. 

I know I did this all to myself. I don't want to hurt my husband any more than I already have. I just don't know what to do. 

Opinions?


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## Entropy3000

Yes


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## CallaLily

Yes, he has a right to know.


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## Almostrecovered

yes


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## Dadof3

Think of it this way, what else do you have to lose?

You will actually regain some of your self-respect if you do so.


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## dontKnowMe

I disagree. Ending a marriage because you aren't in love is perfectly OK. If you tell him you will only cause more pain for him. If you plan to stay then tell him. If you plan to leave do NOT tell him...unless he'd find out from someone else.


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## Almostrecovered

dontKnowMe said:


> I disagree. Ending a marriage because you aren't in love is perfectly OK. If you tell him you will only cause more pain for him. If you plan to stay then tell him. If you plan to leave do NOT tell him...unless he'd find out from someone else.


so letting him think the marriage ended because of something he possibly did instead of her affair is the right thing to do?

she's hurt him already and continues to hurt him by not giving him all of the facts as to why she is divorcing him


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## Shaggy

Yes, but you won't.

You have shown yourself to be deeply selfish by cheating in the first place. You have rationalized why it was ok for you to have cheated,and you will find reasons why it is better not to let you husband know the truth about the hateful, hurtful person you are?

Youre worried her will turn family against you and make like he'll fir the guy you cheated with? Well good for him. You both deserve what ever he can do to make you suffer consequences fior cheating. But, what you are doing instead is walking away from the marriage with no intent of being kind to him, you just want him gone from your life so you can concentrate on making you happy. You want to avoid the truth coming out because it will make you look bad. You remain selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3

I think that honesty is best no matter whether u want the marriage or not. people deserve to know the cause behind the problems, so they know what to do in the future. I think if you left, not telling him is double the pain. 

If you tell, no matter what, you both can finally deal with it head on, and heal in time. Otherwise, the affair becomes a "festering, necrotic wound" for both of you separately.


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## trey69

IMO you should tell him. You already stated you had no plans to change your mind. So you might as well. Don't let him think he did something when really he didn't. Just confess and move on.


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## Runs like Dog

What are your other options?


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## Meli

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I know that I need to tell him and hearing it come from others just shows me that it is the right thing to do. None of this is his fault and even though I want out of the marriage, I can't walk away from it knowing that he thinks it is his fault when it's not.

Shaggy...bitter much? I am sorry if you have ben betrayed. I have been on both sides of it and I am sorry about what I have done. But not every person who cheats is like every other person that cheats. Did I make a huge HUGE mistake? I did. I wish I could change it. I can't. I want to do the right thing now. And I will. I don't care what he tells family. I don't care if we beats the hell out of the other guy. I have every intetion of telling him exactly who it is. If I wanted to avoid the truth then why would I even be asking this question? You can't paint everyone with the same brush.

I texted my husband and told him we need to talk tonight. I will tell him then.


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## gonefishin

Meli

Yes you should tell him.

I wonder sometimes if the married men and women having affairs have children.

Do you have children. What are they going to think of their mother? My father did this to our family growing up. I have to be honest, I found out in my early 20's what my dad did to my mother and the family as a unit. I lost so much respect for my dad. He looked like such a coward at the time.

Anyway, you owe your husband an apology. He deserves better than you. I am positive he will be ready for a divorce once you tell him.

You are confused. In the beginning of your post you wrote you told him you did not love him. Then you continued to say you loved him. What is it. Do not be confused by "in love" and "true love". In love is nothing but a feeling we all have. It comes and goes and then it comes back. True Love is very powerful, it is about respect, friendship, a common bond so to speak.


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## Shaggy

Mei, it's not that I am bitter. I just don't have any tolerance for rationalizations, excuses, or lies. While you did ask the question, you spent the other 99% of your post down playing the cheating. You made it sound nice an clinical. You didn't cheat, you had an affair. You didn't have a POS OM with you, you had an affair partner. Everything you write cleanses and lightens you choice to cheat and lie.

So I called you on it. harshly because it seems like you need a little harsh reality to wake you up from the fog you clearly are still in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Meli

Gonefishin...we have three children. I don't want them to ever know what I have done but I assume they will. That kills me but I can't do anything about it.

I do love my husband but I can't say I have ever felt true love for him. He deserves better than me, I know.

Shaggy...I am sure I am making excuses and rationalizations. I am not far out from the affair and I still sometimes see it through rose colored glasses. I know I need to be honest with everyone and I will do that. I need to break out of this fog but I don't know how. I am starting to see that my affair was no different than any other. I wasn't special to my AP. He wasn't special to me in reality. I had sex with someone else, I lied over and over to my husband, I cheated my kids out of their family. I screwed up big time. I get it. And it kills me. Even though it was me who did it. It is just too hard to face.


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## Dedicated2Her

> Gonefishin...we have three children. I don't want them to ever know what I have done but I assume they will. That kills me but I can't do anything about it.
> 
> I do love my husband but I can't say I have ever felt true love for him. He deserves better than me, I know.
> 
> Shaggy...I am sure I am making excuses and rationalizations. I am not far out from the affair and I still sometimes see it through rose colored glasses. I know I need to be honest with everyone and I will do that. I need to break out of this fog but I don't know how. I am starting to see that my affair was no different than any other. I wasn't special to my AP. He wasn't special to me in reality. I had sex with someone else, I lied over and over to my husband, I cheated my kids out of their family. I screwed up big time. I get it. And it kills me. Even though it was me who did it. It is just too hard to face.


Meli,

It is pretty obvious what the problem is. You have to do some work on yourself, girl. Working through your issues with your husband forms true love. It isn't a feeling or emotion. It is a closeness. Please, please, please do not run from your marriage. It will only hurt YOU the most in the long run. Use this time to get help with your self image. Find yourself again and most likely, it will lead you back into a very impactful relationship with your husband. 

AND, yes, please tell him. Get it out there. Then, find a good faith based therapist to start IC with. Find out why you are where you are, why you made the decisions you did, and what you can do to make yourself into the person you would be the most happy with.

Get ready, though, the next couple of years will be the HARDEST of your life regardless of the path you choose.


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## dontKnowMe

People on here are so judgmental! It's all so black and white. To so many posters here "cheating" is 100% wrong under all conditions and certainly if you were in that persons position you wouldn't "fail." You would to the "right" thing. Uh huh. Sure you would. I see the same pattern everywhere. Everything is black and white. (republican vs. democrat, "my team" vs. your team).


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## Almostrecovered

Then give me a reason where it's "okay" to cheat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dontKnowMe

Almostrecovered said:


> Then give me a reason where it's "okay" to cheat
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will give only one situation but we shouldn't argue since it will only detract from the point of this thread. So one scenario: sexless marriage and one spouse refuses divorce. I see no reason why either spouse should have to wait for the legal system to have sex with another partner.

I apologize, I shouldn't have gone on a rant (it's so hard to avoid sometimes!). Let's get back to the OP.


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## gonefishin

Meli said:


> Gonefishin...we have three children. I don't want them to ever know what I have done but I assume they will. That kills me but I can't do anything about it.
> 
> I do love my husband but I can't say I have ever felt true love for him. He deserves better than me, I know.
> 
> Shaggy...I am sure I am making excuses and rationalizations. I am not far out from the affair and I still sometimes see it through rose colored glasses. I know I need to be honest with everyone and I will do that. I need to break out of this fog but I don't know how. I am starting to see that my affair was no different than any other. I wasn't special to my AP. He wasn't special to me in reality. I had sex with someone else, I lied over and over to my husband, I cheated my kids out of their family. I screwed up big time. I get it. And it kills me. Even though it was me who did it. It is just too hard to face.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

dontKnowMe said:


> People on here are so judgmental! It's all so black and white. To so many posters here "cheating" is 100% wrong under all conditions and certainly if you were in that persons position you wouldn't "fail." You would to the "right" thing. Uh huh. Sure you would. I see the same pattern everywhere. Everything is black and white. (republican vs. democrat, "my team" vs. your team).


Well being faithful is important enough that weddings vows contain it. Society, religion and even mainstream people have a pretty singular view on cheating. It is a frankly a black and white situation unless the relationship is open. 

This site does take a pro marriage anti cheating position. There are other sites which have other opinions like that site that helps cheaters hookup and even share strategies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

dontKnowMe said:


> People on here are so judgmental! It's all so black and white. To so many posters here "cheating" is 100% wrong under all conditions and certainly if you were in that persons position you wouldn't "fail." You would to the "right" thing. Uh huh. Sure you would. I see the same pattern everywhere. Everything is black and white. (republican vs. democrat, "my team" vs. your team).


There are few absolutes in life, but this is probably one of them. Cheating is 100% wrong. As much as antything can be 100%. That is why they call it cheating.

Failing is wrong. There are no excuses. Some marriages can recover from cheating. Sure one spouse can leave another more vulnerable to cheating, but that does not excuse it. 

Please name some instances where cheating is not wrong.

One way to avoid slipping down the slippery slope is to have proper boundaries. Some people require sterner boundaries than others. Putting oneself in risky situations is not an excuse.

Life in general is gray. But boundaries are put in place to help us make the right decisions. So the mature thing to do in a shades of gray world is to use ones intelligence and integrity and deal with it. 

I do see a gradient of inappropriate behavior, unfaithfulness and cheating. The way to deal with this is stop things early and avoid inappropriate behavior. Don't play just the tip.


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## gonefishin

You have a lot to think about. You should sit down with your husband tell him what you have done, tell him he does deserve better, tell him you are ashamed as a wife and a parent, tell him you are leaving the home until a solution is worked out.

Yes, you should leave the home. This is all you. Why should he leave the family home. You leave, you give the father of those three children a soft landing.

Who knows, maybe you will get the big picture being out on your own. Maybe then you will be worthy of a healthy marriage.

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69

I think she has already stated she plans on telling him. 

To the OP, you can't go back and change things I'm sure you know this. Its not good you cheated, but its good you are at least willing to tell him and feels that he deserves to know.


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## Meli

I am telling him tonight. I will put our kids to bed then I will tell. I am scared to death. I don't know what he will do, I don't know what he will say. Oh God.


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## dontKnowMe

He's going to give you a high five. OK, probably not. I hope things go the best they can for your entire family.


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## trey69

Meli said:


> I am telling him tonight. I will put our kids to bed then I will tell. I am scared to death. I don't know what he will do, I don't know what he will say. Oh God.


Let us know how things went.


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## Amplexor

Meli said:


> I am telling him tonight. I will put our kids to bed then I will tell. I am scared to death. I don't know what he will do, I don't know what he will say. Oh God.


If you feel there is the slightest chance he may become violent then you need a better plan. It should be in a place and with others that you feel safe with. Not alone in your house or with your children near by. It is hard to predict how any spouse would react to such news. Be smart and safe in this.


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## crobert

This is a tough decision. I've experienced the unfortunate revelation from my wife that she was having a non-sexual affair with a friend of ours for almost 2 years. It was tough hearing the confession, although it was courageous of her to do so. I internalized the news rather than acting out explosively. Maybe your husband will "withdraw" like I did. Unfortunately, although the burden was lifted off of her shoulders from her confession, I was now faced with having to make sense of it all.


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## PBear

dontKnowMe said:


> I will give only one situation but we shouldn't argue since it will only detract from the point of this thread. So one scenario: sexless marriage and one spouse refuses divorce. I see no reason why either spouse should have to wait for the legal system to have sex with another partner.
> 
> I apologize, I shouldn't have gone on a rant (it's so hard to avoid sometimes!). Let's get back to the OP.


As someone who has cheated... Even in that scenario, cheating is not "ok". One spouse cannot prevent the divorce, at least not in any jurisdiction I'm aware of. If one spouse refuses to sign the papers, the judge can put it through anyway.

I also did not tell my wife that I cheated. I believe she suspected, but she didn't ask me. In my case, the marriage was "over" for me long before I cheated, and telling her would have been pointlessly painful to her, in my opinion. Cheating was still the wrong decision, one that I own entirely, and I regret it. I also ended my affair prior to the separation, and have not been in touch since. The affair had no bearing on the end of my marriage.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

Why would you? Absolution? Seems rather selfish.


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## Scannerguard

No, I think there is a practical reason to tell him.

He will stop blaming himself, which you readily admit, he's fawning all over you like a puppy dog.

My ex-wife was very involved with a guy about 3-6 months after our separation. Now who knows. . .maybe they hooked up afterwards and decided they were in love very quickly, maybe there was an EA, maybe even a PA (I don't think there was that). . .it was an old flame from college, but seeing that and knowing that helped me to realize in a strange way it wasn't ALL about me. . .she didn't love me obviously.

When you tell him he'll know he married a cheater and come to accept that and that's a good thing. I don't mean that in a mean, snide way, even if I am being blunt. . .but he needs to see who he married. 

Who he REALLY married.

That will help cure him of his "puppydoggedness" and help him move on.

And you too.


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## PBear

Scannerguard said:


> No, I think there is a practical reason to tell him.
> 
> He will stop blaming himself, which you readily admit, he's fawning all over you like a puppy dog.
> 
> My ex-wife was very involved with a guy about 3-6 months after our separation. Now who knows. . .maybe they hooked up afterwards and decided they were in love very quickly, maybe there was an EA, maybe even a PA (I don't think there was that). . .it was an old flame from college, but seeing that and knowing that helped me to realize in a strange way it wasn't ALL about me. . .she didn't love me obviously.
> 
> When you tell him he'll know he married a cheater and come to accept that and that's a good thing. I don't mean that in a mean, snide way, even if I am being blunt. . .but he needs to see who he married.
> 
> Who he REALLY married.
> 
> That will help cure him of his "puppydoggedness" and help him move on.
> 
> And you too.


There's something to this... After my affair, I did some research on affairs, and the reasons for them. And for exit affairs, one of the reasons can be to put a nail in the marriage's coffin. I remember having that thought; that if my wife wouldn't let me go, the fact that I cheated on her might be what enabled/forced to happen. At the time, I shook off that idea as being cruel to her though, as it may force the separation issue, but it would cause more pain than her just working though letting go on her own.

Just my $0.02 worth, based on the thoughts that ran through my head at the time. Not saying they're right or good by any means.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tommo

dontKnowMe said:


> I disagree. Ending a marriage because you aren't in love is perfectly OK. If you tell him you will only cause more pain for him. If you plan to stay then tell him. If you plan to leave do NOT tell him...unless he'd find out from someone else.


Well said, matey...


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## sound1

Tell him as many before myself have stated the choice was yours to act upon. To leave/divorce without is one more step in dishonesty an puts the failed relationship in his lap alone, not right it takes both of you an you made a choice. So he would get to stand there in self evaluation in front of all else in his life as well as you thinking its his fault alone while you knowing what you have done get to hide that from him an all else. Many things in your marriage I'm sure lead up to the breakdown, as with most marriages its that way there are people who just cheat to cheat but mostly its a breakdown over time. I had to find out about my wifes cheating online by snooping, frankly it was hell tore at the very threads of sanity of our entire household. The lead ups sure I had fault an blame the choice to allow another man into her head&heart was hers/yours. Worst possible way to find a way out in a marriage than to simply (hard as that is to say) I'm done and I want out is the best route. Theres much less pain confusion heartache an devastation this way. This allows both of you to be able to work on ones self under truth of faults, not false pretenses and not spinning wheels so to speak an wasted time on things that arnt of issue. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing

How happy do you think the kids will be?

Ask yourself this.

"Are you in the FOG?"


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## Meli

I told him. He took it well the first night. He was shocked. He asked me a lot of questions. I was honest wiht him about everything. The next day we decided to end things. He said he had not been feeling anything for me for a long time and was too afraid to face the truth because of our kids and because we do have such a long history together. We get a long great on the surface but as far as passion and intimacy, we don't have that. We don't have true love...we never have. We have been like FWB who tried to make a go of it for the long term. Last night he said he felt good about it and he was ready to move on.

Today...not so much. He is incredibly angry with me. It is his right and I have let him get it out. He sent an email to the OM and he wants to sit down and talk with him. OM agreed. My H promised it will be civil. He just has questions. This scares the hell out of me for many reasons. I just want OM out of it. I don't think my husband will do anything to him but I wouldn't stop him. I just don't see how it will help my H. My H is now questioning our conversation from last night. He says he does still love me and if there is the slightest chance then we should try. But we have been trying for years. We have read books, we have went on the trips, we have seen the counselors. I felt this way about my H and our M before my affair and my H knows this. I do love him but not enough. I am just done and I want out. He is going back and forth.


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## Dadof3

Good for you, Meli. 

Let him experience his grief and rage. You can only control what you do, not what he does.


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## girlfromipanema

FWIW, I think you did the right thing, Meli. Your H is sure to go through a wide range of conflicting emotions. Learning of a betrayal is really and truly life altering and it shakes one to the very core.

I'm always very sad to hear of a family broken apart, and I'm sorry you and your H are going through this. I do wish you both the best - and your children, most of all. So very sad.


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## Lon

Affair aside, it makes me sad to read about a marriage with all the potential, a kind decent and worthy man dedicated to a wife whom he wants to love, whom yearns to do the right thing and wants to have passion and intimacy - the two things that all married couples in existence have had to figure out how to work at, a good working relationship and have been building a family and you just gave up on it.

I guess that's why I usually avoid this section of TAM... I'm not trying to be mean, don't want to see you suffer, I just hate seeing divorced used as a solution to an entirely different problem. But that's the choice you made and I sincerely appreciate your honesty in telling him about your PA, it seems he was strong enough to handle it despite your doubts...


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## Meli

Lon...it is terribly sad. It is heartbreaking for my children. But for my husband and I it is the right move. He has cheated on me a few times. When I told him of the other man he admitted that he has been looking at dating sites the last few months and had set up some meetings. This is the big one on a long list of abuse, adultry and pain. No more.

We do love each other but just not enough. It's not there. I am tired and defeated. I just want to move on before we hate each other. Before we can't stand to be in the same room with one another. I am done being selfish. I need help and so does my husband. I just want to take care of my kids and move on.


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## Jellybeans

Meli said:


> Today...not so much. He is incredibly angry with me. It is his right and I have let him get it out. He sent an email to the OM and he wants to sit down and talk with him. OM agreed. My H promised it will be civil. He just has questions. This scares the hell out of me for many reasons. * I just want OM out of it.*


You don't get to control that. After all, you are the one who brought OM into your marriage. 

Let your husband do what he needs to do to heal. And you can expect more up and down from him w/ his moods. Affairs through the person on the receiving end on a roller coaster that goes back, forth, up, down, spins, stops, keeps going. 



Lon said:


> I guess that's why I usually avoid this section of TAM... I'm not trying to be mean, don't want to see you suffer, *I just hate seeing divorced used as a solution to an entirely different problem.*


Lon, it is sad. There is nothing pretty about divorce at all. That said, most divorces are not mutual. There is generally one person who wants out, and the other still wants to be married. That is sad reality most people don't know.


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## ing

Well. With all that you have said and done. 
All that is over and done with. 
Betrayal is awful. You know that. 
Can I suggest you make the break and clean and as quickly as possible. 
Good luck


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## gonefishin

Good Luck Meli,

I am not trying to change your mind, but people that are struggling with their marriage must understand that divorce is like jumping off a cliff financially.

I hope you and your husband realize that this will be a financial hardship on the entire family. Do you both have jobs? Will your children's dreams be achieved? How will college be paid for now? You and your husband will no longer be partners managing one household. We all think the grass is greener on the other side. Why are you jumping right off the divorce cliff? People do not think about the long term financial hardship they put themselves through in a divorce. Then they remarry for the wrong reasons. Remember passion comes and goes. Friendship, and mutual respect are key when defining a healthy marriage. Go slow, drag your feet, separate for a while, date each other, date other people.


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