# Marriage over?



## squid1035 (Apr 9, 2013)

I've posted my story in another thread. This is more of an updated version...to hear some different input.

Married 15 years, 3 kids ages 9, 14, 15. I'm the only person earning money ever since we first met. My wife is a stay-at-home mother.

Last year my wife had a meltdown, and pretty much emotionally checked out. She's held a lot of resentment over the years towards my mother and towards me for not defending her in specific instances that happened over 10 years ago. To my wife's defense, my mother can be controlling and domineering and has a bad temper. And it's no dispute that I have the same issues with my mother. She's very opinionated and over the years has rubbed both of us the wrong way. But since my wife's episode last year - and really even before that - my mother has learned to back off quite a bit.

Financially we've both had our struggles. Revolving credit card debt got bad but we've sort of managed to fix it lately. My wife has had an on-going compulsive online shopping problem that she hasn't really dealt with until only this month. And I'm not the best with finances either. She very recently revealed to me that almost 10 years ago she had a credit card that she maxed out but never told me about. But I think that was the beginning of her compulsive shopping phase which never really went away.

Thing my wife has said over the last year are that she's feeling really stuck. She's put together a bucket list of things and places she wants to do before she turns 40. She's 34 now. Never worked in her life. She's trying to seek employment but hasn't had any luck. Her mindset is that she's trying to pick up life where she left off 15 years ago and pursue what she was doing back then. So she's gone back to school and will get her AA this month. She wanted to be a teacher before but has switched to graphic design based on a questionnaire she took recently. 

She's given me the ILUBINILWY speech. But she's acting like her feelings are worse than just not in love. Daggers for eyes describes it best. But sometimes she seems kind of nice like she's interested in at least keeping a good friendship going between us.

There's no OM as far as I know. I've done enough snooping to be pretty sure of this. She has no friends that she hangs out with. Her family are all overseas. Homesickness was a huge cause of her depression last year. She got to go home this summer for the 1st time in 14 years. It was nice for her but also very challenging because the city she left had changed so much. She even told me she wished I could have gone so that she could hold my hand and put her head on my shoulder as we revisited the places we once visited so often. I'm American and met her overseas when I lived in her town where my parents are also from.

She says she feels like she gave everything for me and feels that I didn't give everything for her and can't reconcile that at all. So she thinks that there's nothing more to do or say and that we're simply done.

We tried MC for a few sessions with almost comedic results when MCs would suddenly quit after seeing us...on two separate, consecutive occasions.

So I decided to fix my own messed up head by going to a psychotherapist. He thinks this should all blow over in a year or so. But I guess being in the middle of the chaos it's hard to see anything positive coming from all of this. He's trying to slowly convince her to come in to get counseling for herself. He thinks she's got some mental disorders that she needs to recognize and work out. But my wife seems a little hesitant to do this. So I'm trying to lead by example and work on being a much better version of myself. I think I let my own depression affect what type of husband/partner I was being. So I'm trying to suss that all out in therapy.

He described her as a kite floating erratically in the wind. I need to be the guy holding the string, keeping her anchored to the ground while she figures out what to do. Just be like the dumb, clueless husband on TV who doesn't go crazy or acts out. Just be a rock that she can count on when she comes back down. Some analogy, right? But it kind of makes sense. He's labeling it a midlife crisis that should blow over just as long as I don't do anything stupid. Good luck with that.

That's where we are now. We're definitely growing more distant with each day. I try to be cordial and say hello or good morning. But she's never the one to greet or speak first unless it's something that she specifically needs from me. She knows we've both made mistakes. But she seems to be blaming me more than herself. She's at least working very hard to paint me as the person most at fault and that I'll never change. She even threatened to find work overseas and leave the kids with me to take care of them while she Skypes in motherly duties. My therapist thinks she's simply a person who feels like she has no control of her life.

She want to leave the marriage, but doesn't work and can't find a job. So she's seems to be stuck with me until she finds something better. She lamented at the state of our marriage but she doesn't want to take part in trying to fix it. And she simply feels like she can't give anything more.

It's very hard for me not to be angry or show frustration. But I've been taking these punches for so long, maybe I can do it a while longer. She says she sees how hurt I am that that she feels bad about that. But she can't help that she doesn't feel the same way about me that she did before. So she's just moving on. She doesn't even wear her wedding ring anymore. 

Kind of brutal.

(sorry for any typos)


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Pay for two months of an apartment rental and tell her to GTFO.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

squid1035 said:


> I've posted my story in another thread. This is more of an updated version...to hear some different input.
> 
> Married 15 years, 3 kids ages 9, 14, 15. I'm the only person earning money ever since we first met. My wife is a stay-at-home mother.
> 
> ...


She has dug herself into a rut. She opted to be dependent on you, now she is miserable and unable to be grateful. Genuinely unable. It is a horrible situation for her.

Get out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's in college and gave you the ILYBINILWY speech? And you don't think there's another man....ok....


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

She may be better at hiding an affair than you think. 

I would move her on out regardless of an affair or not. That's the only way you can heal. 

However since she hasn't worked don't be surprised when you have to pay alimony and child support. So it would be to your advantage to prove an affair if she is. That might get you out of the alimony and maybe you can get the kids.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

She's 34 and how old are you? She's attending a community college and is majoring in graphic design. There aren't many jobs in that field. Since she has never worked before, she needs a degree that will get her to a fast track position such as office management or some type of medical certification program. At her age, she will have a very hard time getting a job without a previous job experience.

To add to her age dilemma, she is quite an ungrateful princess. Her attitude will translate to her interviews. I believe that she is unable to land a job because of the way she presents herself. She definitely needs counseling. She needs to wake up and get some sense of reality.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sooo, your wife is: holding onto resentment from years ago and bringing it up now... blaming you for all the problems in the marriage... doing the ILYBINILWY speech... hanging around because she couldn't be bothered getting work...

One has to wonder why you haven't already insisted she do what she's threatening to do and get out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I remember your story well. It was very obvious you didn't want your marriage to implode. I'm sorry you're back.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> There's no OM as far as I know.


You don't know enough. There are likely multiple other men. Not necessarily full-blown relationships, but very real replacement candidates that have captured her fantasies. You have no place in her imagination.

Divorce is your best option when it comes to such women. She will slowly suck the life out of you and leave you behind at the worst possible moment. Be warned.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

squid1035 said:


> She even threatened to find work overseas and leave the kids with me to take care of them while she Skypes in motherly duties.


Tell her that it's a great idea. You really think she should do it. She should pursue her dreams. Buy her a one-way ticket overseas and cut off her access to your money. You don't have to accept the Skype calls.


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## squid1035 (Apr 9, 2013)

synthetic said:


> You don't know enough. There are likely multiple other men. Not necessarily full-blown relationships, but very real replacement candidates that have captured her fantasies. You have no place in her imagination.
> 
> Divorce is your best option when it comes to such women. She will slowly suck the life out of you and leave you behind at the worst possible moment. Be warned.


I've listened to cheating accusations ad infinitum, ad nauseum. As far as I have inspected, there's no evidence. There might be fantasies, but none that pose an immediate threat. I've checked phone records and emails. She doesn't seem secretive and she never goes anywhere - at least not at night or on the weekends. The only place she's gone to recently is a free women's group that's conducted by my therapist. He and I have been working to try and get her to eventually get individual counseling.

I haven't fully ruled out the idea. But until I have hard proof, I won't act on anything in terms of confronting her directly. And the only reason I feel this way is because I've heard stories from other women on this forum who have experienced the exact same thing in their marriages and there was no OM. Just a major rift that formed in the relationship due to one partner breaking down.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

squid1035 said:


> She want to leave the marriage, but doesn't work and can't find a job. So she's seems to be stuck with me until she finds something better. She lamented at the state of our marriage but she doesn't want to take part in trying to fix it. And she simply feels like she can't give anything more.


If she wants out so hard, then file for divorce or tell her to. Tell her you are not going to sit idly by while she doesn't want the marriage.

She will get a HUGE wake up call. Her not having a job is not your problem if she is the one who wants out.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

She is in Depression for sure. I had the exact same scenerio as you, my ex was from overseas too. Heard all the same things. I also thought she was not having an affair, I could not find any proof. She was of course and I'm certain of that, she was very good at covering her tracks. 

There is no good answer. Maybe seprating will result in her missing you but it's doubtful. She sounds to far gone to me. I'm sorry man, hope I'm wrong.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

squid1035 said:


> I've listened to cheating accusations ad infinitum, ad nauseum. As far as I have inspected, there's no evidence. There might be fantasies, but none that pose an immediate threat.


You came to TAM for advice. You need to open your mind to different perspectives. It's no wonder you got into this mess. You say that there might be fantasies, but none that pose an immediate threat. What do you call your situation right now?
I can name it "Nightmare in Fantasyland". You and your wife needs a dose of humble pie.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

squid1035 said:


> I've listened to cheating accusations ad infinitum, ad nauseum. As far as I have inspected, there's no evidence. There might be fantasies, but none that pose an immediate threat. I've checked phone records and emails. She doesn't seem secretive and she never goes anywhere - at least not at night or on the weekends. The only place she's gone to recently is a free women's group that's conducted by my therapist. He and I have been working to try and get her to eventually get individual counseling.
> 
> I haven't fully ruled out the idea. But until I have hard proof, I won't act on anything in terms of confronting her directly. And the only reason I feel this way is because I've heard stories from other women on this forum who have experienced the exact same thing in their marriages and there was no OM. Just a major rift that formed in the relationship due to one partner breaking down.


I'm not telling you she is having an affair but even working with your spouse is no guarantee against cheating. There are breaks, lunches, meetings. Get my point? Cheaters can be very good at covering their track and living double lives.

Either way she's telling you she doesn't love you. Why stay in a marriage like that? If she has already checked out you can't win her back. You have to start imagining what life would be like apart.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It doesn't matter ultimately if she's cheating or not, at least one it comes to the state of your marriage.

She's checked out. She's not in love with you anymore. She's already telling you about fantasies of abandoning you AND your kids. And she doesn't seem to particularly open to getting help.

It'll cost you a pretty penny in alimony, and possibly child support, but it sounds like this marriage is deceased. 

I do wonder if you'll have more legal ground to stand on if she does go back home and abandon the family. Perhaps you'll even have a shot a full custody.


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