# Past the point of no return?



## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

For those who thought they married a certain type of person only to find out as the marriage progressed that this is not who they are---did the marriage survive? 

I've been doing a lot of thinking and IC trying to figure out why I constantly have negative feelings about my marriage. It boils down to me not really knowing who my husband was and just believing in love and things working themselves out.

Well as you might imagine things didn't just work themselves out and I've been disappointed in who he is. I know he's been disappointed in me too but he still says he loves me. I care about him but I'm not in love anymore. I feel like I was a great supportive wife at first but when I started to see the cracks I fell behind, I didn't care as much about being the best wife I could be.

We've been married 12 years with one little girl. I always wanted more but he says we shouldn't. Things were rough with the first one, she was collicky but I would have done it again with a supportive partner. I chose not to press it because I knew I'd be on my own and at that point I knew in my heart I had made a mistake marrying him.

I'm trapped in a weird cycle. I try my best and am happy for a while and then I feel anger and resentment thinking about the past. It just continues round and round. He is trying to better himself by going to school but I just feel done. Am I past the point of no return? I think I must be. How can I fall back in love with someone who, given the choice, I would not marry again?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what were the qualities you saw in him that first attracted you to him?

in what way have those perceived qualities fallen short of who he actually is as you see him today?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is so common, always has been, always will be. People get married in haste, the union is based [more so] on chemistry than on common interests.

From listening to your words and the fact that you have gone to IC, I [hear ]that have you given up on the marriage. That is my take. Am I wrong?

I assume that you are in your mid-to-late-thirties. This make you young enough to start over. My recommendation: get a divorce. let him down easy (unless you are hiding facts that would alter this outsiders view).

I recommend {for you} to agree to an amicable divorce, fair for all involved. If he did nothing wrong, other than have an uninteresting {for you} personality and unlikeable activities. The flame went out. This happens. What also happens is the seven year itch, that can stretch to two or three times its length {do not go there Bad Santa}. 

Do not cheat, do not become a walk away wife, WAW. Do not immediately start dating once you are out the door. This will convince him and all families/in-laws that you had something brewing prior to your divorce. Be honest-have you met someone or have you become involved with another man? Wanting to and not acting on want is normal, but dangerous.

Sorry for your plight. It is fixable. Not painlessly, for sure.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I married shy virgin who never even had a boyfriend. Five years later we were wife swapping, soft swinging and living with my wife's best friend who was a lover to both me and my wife. Our regular sex was FFM threesomes for most of our 40 year marriage. Also, my wife who wanted to have children very bad was found to be sterile as was I and we did not want to adopt because back in our day it was very expensive and took years. So there I was and instead of the two kids, a mini van and PTA meetings, I was in love with two women who loved me too and having a sex life that some men dream of. I am very comfortable with my wife's bisexuality. I think bi women pick up on that because all three of my relationships were with bi woman that I did not know were bi until well into the relationship. My wife is a chick magnet. Women are drawn to her wherever we go and she says that I turn woman gay after they sleep with me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are thinking in terms of who he is.
But the problems in your marriage are really about "what he does" or doesn't do.
If he does not purposely meet your emotional needs, you will not get fulfillment from your marriage.

Has anything changed from your old posts about him basically not being a man, leader, provider to you and your child?


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> what were the qualities you saw in him that first attracted you to him?
> 
> in what way have those perceived qualities fallen short of who he actually is as you see him today?


I was young when we met so my list is short :/ he had a great sense of humor, he was romantic and sentimental, we had chemistry, common values and desires in life, he had a good job he had for a while and was doing well there, I felt very comfortable with him and thought we could talk about anything, he was supportive and encouraging of my interests.


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> what were the qualities you saw in him that first attracted you to him?
> 
> in what way have those perceived qualities fallen short of who he actually is as you see him today?


To answer the second part of your question... He is terrible with money and given his profession I expected him to manage our finances well and be responsible. He has a hard time hanging on to jobs which I never saw early on and he has anger problems that I hate.


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You are thinking in terms of who he is.
> But the problems in your marriage are really about "what he does" or doesn't do.
> If he does not purposely meet your emotional needs, you will not get fulfillment from your marriage.
> 
> Has anything changed from your old posts about him basically not being a man, leader, provider to you and your child?


Some things are finally changing. He is going back to school to switch careers. It's been a good 5 years of barely bringing any money in to finally get him going in the right direction. If I see the same job issues come up in this new field I have to leave because then I know it's his attitude and not the industry as he has claimed. I hope this is the answer for him and maybe things will start to turn around for us. Idk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

love2laugh said:


> ... He is terrible with money and given his profession I expected him to manage our finances well and be responsible. He has a hard time hanging on to jobs which I never saw early on and he has anger problems that I hate.


Do you have a job? If so, you might want to consider getting your financial ducks in a row and moving on.

My first husband was like this. At the beginning, I didn't see it. Yeah, I know, raging hormones, being "in love," having all that passion. Meh. That is not always the case. Some men and/or women are masters of the bait-and-switch.

I married one. And when he kept losing jobs, racking up credit card debt, and having major anger issues ... I left. Done was done. Nobody needed to stick a fork in me to find out. When I'm done, I walk. I don't bargain, negotiate, search my soul.

But that's me. I walked out, never went back, and it's one of the greatest favors I ever did for myself.

Something to consider ...


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> love2laugh said:
> 
> 
> > ... He is terrible with money and given his profession I expected him to manage our finances well and be responsible. He has a hard time hanging on to jobs which I never saw early on and he has anger problems that I hate.
> ...


Yes I have a good job. I envy people like you who just know what they need to do and do it. I think I know but I'm afraid. If we didn't have a child together the choice would be easier.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I did the same. I "thought" my husband was a person that he was not. I thought I was being careful but when I look back I realized I made alot of excuses for him and passed up alot of red flags. At first what I saw was a man who was willing to work out the issues, genuinely, but it was almost like everything changed as soon as we got married. To me it seems that as soon as I took over responsibility for him that put him on easy street to do whatever he wanted to do. He knew what I didn't like so he became sneaky and making excuses. My husband is a-typical passive-aggressive and it has been a long frustrating 27 years with this man. Slowly I have to realize that he will always be emotionally unavailable, caught up in his own world and blaming me for not making the relationship work. As a younger wife I was always going to him to try to get him in involved and to engage.Having a conversation with this man was like prying words from a baby's mouth when they cannot speak. There was no support with the kids, he would tell me to take care of things and then when I made decisions and the kids would get upset he would tell me he wouldn't have handled it that way. If I tried to get help from him on a subject he would tell me he didn't have the answer how to handle a situation and then once the event occurred he would be come the all knowledgeable person to had foresight after-the-fact.

This man had the most illogical thought process....just recently we were trying to decide how to pay for an item for our daughter, something we agreed that she should have some investment in herself. I had saved money in a certain account for this purchase and I suggested we use that money. His logic......she is earning more interest in that account than we are in ours. Okay, but if we agreed that daughter needs to contribute which would we spend our money and what matter does interest in any account have to do with this? I asked him to explain but he would not. It finally came down to asking daughter if she wanted to use the cash she had saved or the money I had saved in this acct specifically for this purchase. She choice the money from the account.

On top of all the above my husband has had a fix on other women which I saw before we married but I had no idea that a man's fantasies can be isolated to himself and his thought process without the ability to carry on a intimate sex life with his wife, boy did I learn otherwise. I was the pursuer and he sought porn and other women. That gets old and very hurtful. 

So while I passed up red flags and made excuses I also could not have comprehended the life I ended up living with this man. Slowly with this type of behavior the marriage disolves and I had to decide if I wanted to split up my family or live a very lonely life inside this marriage. I have chose to leave and am in the process of it right now.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> I did the same. I "thought" my husband was a person that he was not. I thought I was being careful but when I look back I realized I made alot of excuses for him and passed up alot of red flags. At first what I saw was a man who was willing to work out the issues, genuinely, but it was almost like everything changed as soon as we got married. To me it seems that as soon as I took over responsibility for him that put him on easy street to do whatever he wanted to do. He knew what I didn't like so he became sneaky and making excuses. My husband is a-typical passive-aggressive and it has been a long frustrating 27 years with this man. Slowly I have to realize that he will always be emotionally unavailable, caught up in his own world and blaming me for not making the relationship work. As a younger wife I was always going to him to try to get him in involved and to engage.Having a conversation with this man was like prying words from a baby's mouth when they cannot speak. There was no support with the kids, he would tell me to take care of things and then when I made decisions and the kids would get upset he would tell me he wouldn't have handled it that way. If I tried to get help from him on a subject he would tell me he didn't have the answer how to handle a situation and then once the event occurred he would be come the all knowledgeable person to had foresight after-the-fact.
> 
> This man had the most illogical thought process....just recently we were trying to decide how to pay for an item for our daughter, something we agreed that she should have some investment in herself. I had saved money in a certain account for this purchase and I suggested we use that money. His logic......she is earning more interest in that account than we are in ours. Okay, but if we agreed that daughter needs to contribute which would we spend our money and what matter does interest in any account have to do with this? I asked him to explain but he would not. It finally came down to asking daughter if she wanted to use the cash she had saved or the money I had saved in this acct specifically for this purchase. She choice the money from the account.
> 
> ...


 This sounds terrible! Hugs to you, AVR. So happy to see that you're leaving. Nobody should have to live like that 
Take care!


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

I've been married less than 2 years so maybe I'm not the right person to chime in, but yes, it's happened to me. It turned out my H is not who he said he was and he hid some major things from me. We're still married but I don't think our marriage will survive, though my case is a bit different (emotional and verbal abuse etc).


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the sex life? If it's good, there is hope. If there is no sex, I say there is no hope.

I got married just to get married and have another partner bring in a stable income. Got married for the wrong reasons and 8 years later splitting ways. Took me years to pull the trigger and finally move out and get the Divorce process going. I haven't been this happy in ages.


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> How's the sex life? If it's good, there is hope. If there is no sex, I say there is no hope.
> 
> I got married just to get married and have another partner bring in a stable income. Got married for the wrong reasons and 8 years later splitting ways. Took me years to pull the trigger and finally move out and get the Divorce process going. I haven't been this happy in ages.


It's not great. Not gone completely though.


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

Glad you're moving on AVR!


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