# Is it wrong to start dating while we're not officially divorced?



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

I never thought I'd ask this. My story is long and ugly and complicated. He is checked out. Has had an emotional affair. He is adamant he doesn't want to fix this relationship most of the time, the other 1% he says he wants to fix it but doesn't trust me. He is the one that had the affair, btw. He is not nice to me, nor touches me, nor comforts me. He doesn't like or love me he says. We don't sleep in the same bed. We do not have any intimate or other kind of relationship. I am alone and lonely. And have been for months now. This marriage isn't going to be fixed. And he has done a ton of damage to my self-worth. I just want to feel loved or liked again. This relationship is dead. Only thing is I am waiting on him to file the divorce. Long story. So, is it wrong to start looking for others while I'm separated but not divorced yet? I won't lie to them about my situation. I'm not looking for casual sex. I have no idea how to date so I'm not sure how I'll even go about it. Maybe online profile or something! I just want to feel good, liked and needed again. I normally value and respect relationships enough to stay faithful, but I am so lonely and this is not gonna get fixe. He's so mean and I don't feel like I'm disrespecting the marriage because it feels like it died long ago and is just waiting on the burial. He has told me during this that he has the right to fantasize about who he wants and so do I! I'm thinking of telling him straight up that I'm doing tis and knowing him he wouldn't give a ****, No flaming please.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

No I don't think it's wrong. But just wait until you have filed and he's moved out.
Sounds like you could do with a bit of positive attention and fun honey!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's not wrong if it's not wrong to you -- if you feel OK about it in terms of your marriage being over (except for the legal wrangling) then go for it. 

On the other hand, going out with someone to help you feel good about yourself is asking for trouble. You are vulnerable and ripe for the 'wrong' kind of guy. Before you start dating, work on that self-worth issue. Go into the dating world from a place of strength, not a place of need. Then you will have a better footing from which to choose a healthy relationship. Don't even waste your time going out on dates with losers. Weed them out from the very beginning if you can! The best way to do that -- feel good about yourself, set boundaries of what you will and will NOT tolerate from a man, and get more in touch with who you are.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You need to be sure that he KNOWS that you may or will date during the seperation/divorce process


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Toffer said:


> You need to be sure that he KNOWS that you may or will date during the seperation/divorce process


Why? If they're separated and divorcing, why is it any of his business?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So he knows that it's either time to fish or cut bait!

Realistically though, he could easily point to her and say "Yeah, we had marriage issues but I wanted to work on them (of course, he's only done this 1% of the time) and SHE decided that she'd rather have an affair"

See how easy it is to twist this up to someone's advantage? They need to legally seperate (better to divorce) BEFORE she tries to start up anything with anyone else


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Its not wrong but you are probably not ready. I'm speaking from experience. No matter how bad your marriage was or how much you hate the other person, there is a healing process.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with Angel. 

It is not advisable to go out and date just to feel whole or loved again. Nor for revenge. It sounds like you are looking for external validation for your own self-worth. Love yourself and a better man will find you.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> I agree with Angel.
> 
> It is not advisable to go out and date just to feel whole or loved again. Nor for revenge. It sounds like you are looking for external validation for your own self-worth. Love yourself and a better man will find you.


I am working on it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

I am working on loving myself. I'm just really lonely. None of my best friends are even on the same effing continent. I think if I lived around closer family and friends I'd be doing better.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I am working on loving myself. I'm just really lonely. None of my best friends are even on the same effing continent. I think if I lived around closer family and friends I'd be doing better.


I am in exactly the same boat, I've dealt with a WAW for 2 years now living in the same house, only recently did she tell me she had "checked out" 2 years ago and has only been "going through the motions". 

There are other ways to move on beyond actually just dating someone else. Joining a fitness club, a bowling league, church events, starting new hobbies, etc. I think you are confusing needing someone to be with, with finding a sense of self worth. The latter is more important.

As I say this, I myself am lost, and don't know who I am and I'm trying to find my way back... so I know it sucks. But I also know for me, if I started dating anyone it would likely be an unmitigated disaster because I'm certain it would be merely rebound, plus I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old and I would have to be especially delicate if and when that situation ever comes up.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I have been separated for two months. Divorce will be final soon. I was asked out the other day. I just can't do it. This guy is gorgeous and I would LOVE to go out with him, but I am not in a good frame of mind to even think about it. I have trust issues majorly. Plus, I think if I dated, I would just be trying to cover up and push down the emotions that I need to be dealing with. My husband cheated on me. I have insecurities and would love the attention of dating. I just can't do it. I did join a gym and I registered for school to get my master's degree. I am doing things to make myself better and keep busy without complicating my life with more emotions that I can't deal with. Try to find something positive to do. Deal with what you need to first.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> I am in exactly the same boat, I've dealt with a WAW for 2 years now living in the same house, only recently did she tell me she had "checked out" 2 years ago and has only been "going through the motions".
> 
> There are other ways to move on beyond actually just dating someone else. Joining a fitness club, a bowling league, church events, starting new hobbies, etc. I think you are confusing needing someone to be with, with finding a sense of self worth. The latter is more important.
> 
> As I say this, I myself am lost, and don't know who I am and I'm trying to find my way back... so I know it sucks. But I also know for me, if I started dating anyone it would likely be an unmitigated disaster because I'm certain it would be merely rebound, plus I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old and I would have to be especially delicate if and when that situation ever comes up.


I'm very sorry for what you went through and are going through. I like the idea of joining things and doing things. My main problem is, I don't want to do anything he wants me to do. You know? Joining a fitness club or even getting my Masters are two things he thinks I should do (because my life needs to be on his terms and time frames) and I'm still rebelling against becoming what he wants me to become. Dating is probably not the answer either. But part of me wants to show him and me that I'm still desired by others. Which who knows, maybe no one will want me!!


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Betrayedwife said:


> I have been separated for two months. Divorce will be final soon. I was asked out the other day. I just can't do it. This guy is gorgeous and I would LOVE to go out with him, but I am not in a good frame of mind to even think about it. I have trust issues majorly. Plus, I think if I dated, I would just be trying to cover up and push down the emotions that I need to be dealing with. My husband cheated on me. I have insecurities and would love the attention of dating. I just can't do it. I did join a gym and I registered for school to get my master's degree. I am doing things to make myself better and keep busy without complicating my life with more emotions that I can't deal with. Try to find something positive to do. Deal with what you need to first.


Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry about what you went through. I understand completely what you're saying, especially re: going into a relationship with trust issues. I don't trust my whatever he is, and I think his affair is still on-going and physical. So I didn't even think how my lack of trust in him would probably transfer the minute a new guy does something to remind me and it might trigger me. As I said in my previous post, I just don't want to do anything that makes him feel that what he did to me was OK because I finally did x, y or whatever.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Someone will want you. Stop that thinking right now. You are just hurt and trying to find a way to cope. If the gym and school are not for you, what do you want to to? Find something that will make you GOOD.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I'm very sorry for what you went through and are going through. I like the idea of joining things and doing things. My main problem is, I don't want to do anything he wants me to do. You know? Joining a fitness club or even getting my Masters are two things he thinks I should do (because my life needs to be on his terms and time frames) and I'm still rebelling against becoming what he wants me to become. Dating is probably not the answer either. But part of me wants to show him and me that I'm still desired by others. Which who knows, maybe no one will want me!!


You don't have to do what he wants you to do in order to have a feeling of self worth though, and believe me, living happily is the best revenge. It is my plan, I know it will take me a long time but I WILL get there. And I can already see what is going to happen to my wife down the road. 

Make your own plans, do your own thing, get a hotel room and don't come home, and don't tell him, just hang out at the hotel, sit in the jacuzzi till 11 pm, then get your favorite fast food and sit in the room and order a movie, stay up all night, do whatever you feel.

If your spouse isn't willing to put forth the effort to save your marriage, why should you be accountable to him? Do your own thing, just be aware that dating this early might have ramifications for you that you don't realize


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Personally, I am choosing not to date until the divorce is final, to say I stayed honest until the end. I also need the healing time. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Towards the end, I felt the same way, and even thought that if I got a serious offer, I'd stray (these thoughts were the straws that broke the camel's back). I'm glad it never happened, because I'd have felt so guilty and once again ignored my values.

Choose to do what you need to do to get your self esteem and sanity back, be it a masters degree, working out at the gym, learning to fly a plane, whatever. As long as you're doing things, or not doing things, to spite him, he has control over you. File for divorce yourself and then work on getting yourself better, on your terms.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

This is an easy one. Take control, stop waiting, and file. Why must your life decide on his decision and timing?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

*Cura te ipsum.*



ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I just want to feel good, liked and needed again.


I am in not too dissimilar a situation as you...

My marriage is over and it's not coming back. However, we have only just begun the divorce process, my wife and I are separated but still living in the same house, and we have two teenage kids.

Six months ago, not long after my STBXW had moved into the spare bedroom and about the time my emotional roller coaster was winding down, I was feeling the same way you are now.

What I realized, though, is that before I could find a new relationship with someone else, I had to fix my relationship with myself... I had that same desire to feel good, to feel loved, to feel wanted. But I had to feel that way about myself, first, otherwise I would never be able to feel that way in any relationship I might find.

So, I first healed myself... I starting getting back into shape. I met with my doctor to clear up some long standing health problems. I started meeting with a counselor to get my head back on straight. I redoubled my efforts as a father. I rekindled some old hobbies, and picked up some new ones. I reconnected with some old friends, and met some new ones. I went out and had some adventures. So on and so forth...

Now, I'm still not certain whether not I'm ready to date yet. Aside from the other complications of the divorce not being final yet, I worry that if I involved with someone romantically, that I'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons.

But at the same time, I'm going out and having fun. I've already met a few women who have shown interest and it feels great. But I'll admit it can be awfully confusing about how to proceed with them. I try to be up front and honest with them about my situation and my feelings.

As they say... Baby steps.

Or, in honor of the upcoming holiday...

_"If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward."_ *- Martin Luther King, Jr.*



Pb.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Sorry! I thought I'd thanked everyone for their insightful and helpful lists but I guess I didn't. So, thanks! It's best to take it slow.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> You don't have to do what he wants you to do in order to have a feeling of self worth though, and believe me, living happily is the best revenge. It is my plan, I know it will take me a long time but I WILL get there. And I can already see what is going to happen to my wife down the road.
> 
> Make your own plans, do your own thing, get a hotel room and don't come home, and don't tell him, just hang out at the hotel, sit in the jacuzzi till 11 pm, then get your favorite fast food and sit in the room and order a movie, stay up all night, do whatever you feel.
> 
> If your spouse isn't willing to put forth the effort to save your marriage, why should you be accountable to him? Do your own thing, just be aware that dating this early might have ramifications for you that you don't realize


I loved your quote about hotel and jaccuzzi - wish I could do that freely. But just imagining waking up in a nice hotel room with breakfast served, and then watching tv, hitting inside gym and then jacuzzi...ah ha.

God please give me chance to enjoy that kind of lifestyle.

Zappy


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Told the WAW that she should see other people if I am not the one to make her happy. Went to a concert that night and met someone who I have been seeing for 3 months. I was honest, I am very aware of the dangers of getting involved while I am healing. However, I am thoroughly enjoying being with someone who wants to be with me. Oddly, my new lady is separated as well so we have an additional thing to share in our relationship.

I have no regrets saying goodbye to the paralyzing pain.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Is it wrong? Only you can answer that.

If you are 100% set on moving one and it's done and over. Then it's not wrong.

If you still have any hope or wish to make it work then it is wrong. You can't want to work on the old and look for the new at the same time. 

regardless moving on to someone new is dangerous for yourself. Are you really ready for someone else or is it just filling a void that you would be better served filling before looking for someone new?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not wrong if you're honest about it. It's YOUR marriage. Well, you and your man. TALK ABOUT IT. Just lay it out there. No shame. Communicate, even if he is shut down. Whatever.

I told my husband (STBX but not known when) that I will date...he hardly had any complaints since he did say he's been pretending to love me the whole time (5 years) and that I deserve to have someone love me the way I love (cause i rock!  ). So...whatever to him. I told him it's our marriage. We make it what we want....the government doesn't have any say and "norms" don't either. It's our life/lives. We decided that our lives outside the house are ours now. In the house, we're raisin' the kids and keepin house. Probably not the norm (we get on fine...) but it is working for us. I did tell him I wouldn't be having sex with him anymore (hard to get into sex with someone who is a liar...no intimacy at all!) and he hasn't tried. Perfect.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

My STBXW just informed me that she's been dating... That was no real surprise, except in that she admitted it to me directly and voluntarily.

I think I can consider that a green light to proceed as I wish.


Pb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

K.C. said:


> You can't want to work on the old and look for the new at the same time.


I'm having major trouble with this. 

There are girls on FB who are messaging me.

And it's so good to be given compliments, being told how amazing I am, how special I am, how attractive I am and to be lusted over.

Good Lord, am I having an EA?

Edit: They are in my home town, over the other side of the country.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I'm having major trouble with this.
> 
> There are girls on FB who are messaging me.
> 
> ...


Ha. Same boat here. I'll be moving back to home town in months so I'm chatting em up. 

Do I still have hope for R in the meantime? Honestly, yeah. But I don't see it as realistic so why the he!! not? 

We got married in a courthouse. We were already committed to one another. It was just a stamp on a piece of paper at that point. We were engaged and she called me at work on a Wednesday and said "wanna get hitched on Friday?" So we did. 

She broke that commitment. She asked for D. She signed the papers in front of a notary. She moved out. The only thing left is the waiting period. 

I don't see anything wrong with it at this point.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

K.C. said:


> You can't want to work on the old and look for the new at the same time.


There will probably be waves of desire to work on the old and hope that she comes back for a some time after the D is final.

That doesn't mean we should put our lives on hold and shouldn't explore, meet new people and have a good time. 

I'm not looking for a replacement.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

But I feel kinda like a sleaze and 'dirty'.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But Dan, I think it depends on what you will be doing -- just getting to know these women as friends, or are you thinking it will necessarily lead to sex? At this point, you may have to be a little more realistic on what you think will happen in your future. Look at why the idea makes you feel sleazy and dirty, and ask yourself if those feelings truly match the reality of your life. 

If you are wanting to start your life over, and be happy, then do that. Start your life over. That includes meeting new people, including women. 

Only you can make the final decision, Dan. But I'd advise against falling back on an 'automatic' feeling that you have. This is the time to explore and question things. Find out what *you* really believe, and then stick to your core values.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Angel,

They have been emailing me and talking sexy. All of a sudden I love this attention. I have been messaging back, but in no way explicitly, just 'sexy' talk. Suddenly I am all 'sexed up'.

Problem is I feel like a dirty cheater. I should stop the sexy talk, and just get to know these girls. I may have to tell one in particular.

Here Dan goes again:

I'm still married. I still hope for R for the sake of our baby. Even though this is absolutely impossible. I am not a cheater. In the snowball's chance in Hell that there is for R, I should control myself.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If that is a true value that you hold, that you won't date until a divorce is final, then by all means, stick to that. You won't feel right with yourself if you don't. 

I was actually a little surprised that I didn't feel that way. I always felt that my vows were sacred. But once STBXH clearly broke them and moved on, then there wasn't much point in waiting for an arbitrary date imposed by a local jurisdiction. That was how _I_ felt. You may get to the point where you come to the same decision. Or you may really truly not want to do anything until the ruling has been handed down. 

Just make the decision and follow through. You'll feel better that way.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

'The Ruling handed down'

I still to this day cannot believe this is happening.

I'd best process all this tonight, stay quiet and try to keep FB low.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Yes. Vows are sacred.

It is a sin to cheat. But to be complimented, wow. It feels so good.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Ok. Not going to derail someone else's thread again.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> But to be complimented, wow. It feels so good.


Yes, it does, Dan. Reminds you that the x isn't the only one with the ability to make a judgement about you -- and that the x may just be wrong.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I am not trying to knock anyone that feels ready to move on.

Just that I think it's important to be honest with yourself about what you want. For me that is still 100% about achieving R so no dating for me. When I say working on the old, I don't mean lingering hope, I mean actively working on the relationship, whether that is reciprocated or not.

If you are done and all that is left is a small hope that they suddenly 'come to their senses' and you have got to the point where you are happy within yourself to be dating, then sure, no reason not to.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> Angel,
> 
> They have been emailing me and talking sexy. All of a sudden I love this attention. I have been messaging back, but in no way explicitly, just 'sexy' talk. Suddenly I am all 'sexed up'.
> 
> ...


_"Whatever moral rules you have deliberately proposed to yourself, abide by them as they were laws and as if you would be guilty of impiety by violating any of them. Don't regard what anyone says of you, for this, after all, is no concern of yours. How long, then, will you put off thinking yourself worthy of the highest improvements and follow the distinctions of reason? You have received the philosophical theorems, with which you ought to be familiar, and you have been familiar with them. What other master, then, do you wait for, to throw upon that the delay of reforming yourself?... Let whatever appears to be the best be to you an inviolable law."_ *- Epictetus*

Like angelpixie said, Dan, make your decision -- whatever feels right to you -- and stick to it.



Forever Sad said:


> Yes. Vows are sacred.
> 
> It is a sin to cheat. But to be complimented, wow. It feels so good.


This is something I've been struggling with lately as well...

I made made a promise to her when we got married, and I feel bound to keep that promise. But then again, she made a promise to me, in return. If she's broken that promise, are those vows still valid?

Isn't the a divorce just a legal set of papers to make things official? 

My STBXW may still be living in the same house with me and we may still be legally married, but we are living as separate singles with our own finances and our own social lives. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. Practically speaking, we are no longer married and haven't been for quite some time.


Pb.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I had a revelation this morning driving to work. I felt that R for me was not going to happen even though I wanted it. I was lucky to find someone that wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with her. What will happen, I think my crystal ball broke a long time ago. However, my revelation was that I have a better chance of R if I am not married and can attempt dating the STBXW and renewing our relationship that way if I feel that is what I want in the future.

I did not break the promise and leave plus divorce is a paperwork transaction and our sacred promise was voided by my STBXW not me. I do not believe there is a moral issue here if your situation is same as mine.

Good luck in your own decision making. Whatever you decide will be right for YOU.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Stretch said:


> my revelation was that I have a better chance of R if I am not married and can attempt dating the STBXW and renewing our relationship that way if I feel that is what I want in the future.


Yes. Same here. 

I no longer want the marriage I had. If we were to R, the house would need to be jacked up and the foundation completely rebuilt. 

For me, the D papers are just a formal acknowledgement that something once alive is now dead. Just like a death certificate. It does not change the timing of the death.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I haven't read the entire thread, but am responding to your original post. 

I don't think it's wrong as long as you are filed. I never thought I'd feel that way, but my marriage was over about the time it began. I was ready to move on by the time I filed for divorce. Then there was the 60 day waiting period. I thought I'd go out on a date just to feel good about myself. That date went so well, that I ended up seeing the guy for a few months. My divorce was not final for about 2 1/2 months. Mine was quick because no house, no kids. 

Some people frown upon this. I was honest with the guy I dated. He understood as long as I had filed and was truly done with the marriage. But, like I said, my situation was a little different than some because I was the one who made the decision to leave and I had mourned my marriage at least a year before.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

As a guy, with a dating profile that says "Separated" in the relationship status.....It's hard to find dates. Women just don't want to even bother regardless of how handsome you are in your pics or how awesome your profile reads.

Women on the other hand can put any status they want including married and they will always find that special person willing to "just be friends" regardless.

I've been in my own place over six months now and I hate being lonely on weekends but the only people I've gotten unsolicitied interest from are not people I'd consider LTR material. Fun for a night or two but I'm not mean enough to string anyone along when I know it won't work out.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

I think it all depends what you are looking for.

I'm not formally in the divorce process, but we are separated and my STBXW lives with her mother now and has done for 2 months, all the while she has continued to conduct her relationship with OM.

From my perspective, I can wallow in my own misery, or I can try and cultivate some new and interesting friends, go out for some drinks/meals and have a good time. I'm not looking specifically for sex (although probably wouldn't object forcibly to the suggestion) and I am certainly not looking for a full-on 'relationship', although if any of the friendships turned into that a long way down the road then fair enough. It is principally about meeting new people and developing new friends.

I've only been on one dinner-date and I was 100% honest about the current state of play and what I was looking, and not looking for.

I don't feel constricted by any moral chains due to marriage, as my W moved out and started seeing someone else. I don't see the need to deny myself the cultivation of new friends during this period, especially if it helps me cope with the situation better.

If at some point the W wants to R, then I would need to date her also to ensure it is what we both wanted. Right now I can't see it happening but would never 100% rule it out.

So back to the original OP question - I don't think it is wrong, although understand how it may feel strange if you are still both living together. Rather than waiting for the D to finalise, perhaps wait until you live separately? Equally, I think it is a bad idea to go hunting a long-term relationship when in the healing process, however to get out there have some fun and meet new people...go for it.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I kicked my STBXH out of the house last summer after his continuing lies, EA's and horrible treatment of me. He was shocked I asked him to leave. He started dating about 3 months later.

He never once made a move to file for divorce or even suggest it to me. He kept seeing me, telling me he still loved me, giving me gifts and celebrating special days ie: birthdays and anniversaries etc.

All the while he is telling his new GF his marriage is over. She bought it hook line and sinker. He told me repeatedly she was "just a friend".

He strung me along and it seems the OW too. Played with fire and now he's been burnt bad.

Be very careful dating while still married, especially if you have no plans to file for divorce.

If it really is over, make it over - file for divorce and make sure your spouse knows for sure there is no turning back.


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