# Advice for new marriage



## NervousBride (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi Guys- smoe of you might remember my previous post - well I amplease to announce that the matter has been resolved, thanks to all the great adevice I received! I'm already a more confident person - still working on improving my self-esteem every day!
Well my wedding is in 21 days, and I would just like some advice from all you married guys out there,for my new marriage-to-come! 

How do you have a successfull marriage and grow old together??How do you keep the passion alive? How do you have a happy marriage? What advice & does and don'ts can you guy offer me???:scratchhead:

Thank you ....xxxx


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

What works for us is we let each other know how much one appreciates the other. We do this often, we also say thank you for the small things, like grocery shopping or cooking a meal. Communication is extremely important! My husband and I talk everything out and we are very good at compromising, even if it takes a day or two to think about it. We've only gotten into one little argument in the last 13 years of being together, which wasn't too long ago. I was in the hospital for 5 nights due to a stupid kidney infection. It took a toll on my hubby and the stress level was high. He had to take care of the kids, see me and missed some work. I can fully understand what he went through.

We as a couple, have zero expectations of each other. By doing this, there never is any resentment held within us. We are the best of friends. My and I talk everyday through out the day, even when he's at work. We tell each other everything and hold back nothing. We shower each other with affection. During those early years of child raising was a little more difficult. We had less time for affection, but that came back once the girls were a little older and started school. We tell each other everyday we love one another whether it's verbal or written. We cuddle at night holding hands, talking, watching tv or just resting.

We respect each other, we both understand what our specific needs are, through communication, We compromise, we show effection and passion. We have a lot of fun and laugh with each other. 

I'm very lucky and married a really nice guy. He helps me out more then most men would, especially after my neck injury. My husband puts a lot of effort into our marriage and always put my needs before his. He's always making sure that I'm doing/feeling okay everyday. We are extremely compatible and have been since day one. Not too many couples get along as well as my husband and I. My husband is a very patient man. I appreciate everything he does for me. We've been married 12 wonderful years, together for 13.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

I would like to preface this with the fact that the notions below are generalizations and may not apply to you. Please take from it what you need.

Also I would like to congratulate you for seeking advice. Most people come in when they are facing serious problems, so many of those problems would have been avoided if partners took the time to train themselves on the basic skills of sustaining a balanced long term relationship and handling common challenges. 

The general advice I would suggest consists of 2 steps: 

- get informed on relationships, they usually do not work based solely on instinct. There are many differences in male female behavior and instances where instinctive behavior leads to conflict. It is critical that you understand these concepts

- practice what you learn diligently till it becomes habitual. Just understanding is not enough you need to develop the habits of sustaining long term balance. Similarly to going to the gym.

More specifically here are a few pointers to help you get started: 

- Be comfortable in your own skin. We all work with the physical appearance that we have and given that a woman who has the wisdom to appreciate and be comfortable with her body is highly attractive and highly sought after.

- Be wise with dealing with men and practiced in handling the common challenges when communicating and relating to men.

In the context of a long term relationship there are 4 areas you need to cover. 

*Motherly*

A woman needs to be like a mother in a relationship. A good mother takes care of her children, she is patient loving and forgiving. If a father is the pillar the mother is the foundation and together they stand up.

*Partner*

Men naturally connect to one another by doing activities together, working or hobbies. It is very important for a man to feel that his woman is a partner to him in some activities. Possibilities include: a business, a career, hobbies, outings, sports etc… A man must respect the woman’s level of skill so that he will consider her a worthy partner in such activities. Also known as common interests.
*
Supportive*

Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing respect to the man. We can categorize the emotional support a man needs into 6.
Trust –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
Acceptance - he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him.
Appreciation – he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
Admiration – you admire his victories and his displays of skill
Approval - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior.
Encouragement – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks

*Eager and diverse lover*

You are eager to make love to him often and to please him in bed searching for different ways to do so. You like diversity and like to experience the full spectrum of intimacy with him.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Find out what is important to your husband and give it to him as much as possible. Men typically want respect and sexual fulfillment. 

You have to Give to a very high level in your marriage, but you also have to Take (i.e. not feel guilty about expecting your needs to get met by your husband). 

What you need and what your husband needs are two very different things. You have to make sure you give him what he needs, and that you communicate what you need so that he give it to you.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Shoot Cinderella in the head. Her and Prince whatever-his-name are lies.

Marriage is a job. Very rewarding if done right and worked at relentlessly. 

Sometimes it's all Tulips and Daffodils while skipping through a field like a Summer's Eve commercial. Sometimes it's a gritty war movie where the two of you are slogging through a muddy trench.

When you take your vows, mean it. Become a team. Him and you against the world. Have each others backs when times are tough. Compliment each other in words and actions.

Sit and talk. Sit and listen. When you find yourself watching a re-run of Beavis and Butthead for the third time and you are about to say how boooooored you are, kill the TV and split a bottle of wine.

Get a music service (Pandora, Sirius, Sony, whatever) hooked into a decent sound system of some kind. Turn on music instead of TV. Let the music station pick the songs. TV does the talking and thinking for you, music lets you talk to each other.

Sex is fun. Really fun. Really,really fun. Look at "married" as universal permission to try anything you want with each other. Make it fun, keep it fun.

Take time for yourself.
Let him have time by himself.
Take new adventures together.
Function as a couple, with other couples.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

I'll add one more thing.

When you fight, and you will, fight fair. 

Any issue can be overcome, no matter how heated it gets. But disrespect and abusive words and actions will eat at your marriage forever.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> I'll add one more thing.
> 
> When you fight, and you will, fight fair.
> 
> Any issue can be overcome, no matter how heated it gets. But disrespect and abusive words and actions will eat at your marriage forever.



Disrespect and abusive words will do that. Living proof of it right now. Whatever you do, dont use hurtful words no matter the situation on both ends.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Know that most marriages go through rough spots. I don't think there is anyway to avoid them. Ironically it's how you handle the tough moments that define your relationship not the fun ones.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend. 


Those are some foundational things I will teach all of my children -in preparation -BEFORE they walk down that aisle......



> Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making da** sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....
> 
> 
> *1.* *Don't have sex too soon*, it can create a bonding too fast, too soon (even a surprise pregnancy) where other important things are missed, overlooked. Hormones take over & common sense is LOST. TAKE TIME, get to know THE WHOLE PERSON, do things together, go places, make sure you genuinelly LIKE them, RESPECT them , and they should be on par as a BEST FRIEND before you take them to bed -if it can be helped of course. A little romance is good !
> ...


Congratulations on your up & coming Wedding !!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I wake up every morning (even when I am away at work) and ask myself, "What can I do today that will make my wife smile?".
Then I do it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> Shoot Cinderella in the head. Her and Prince whatever-his-name are lies.
> 
> Marriage is a job. Very rewarding if done right and worked at relentlessly.
> 
> ...


oh I LOVE this post 

The music suggestion was unexpected and I completely agree!!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Congrats My wife and I have been married 12 yrs I love her more today than I ever have their are 
Some great post and advice already given I would like to add the practice of 
Joint agreement by both parties inregards to making decisions. Also be Honest and truthful to each other 
Live within your means Love one another.Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NervousBride said:


> Hi Guys- smoe of you might remember my previous post - well I amplease to announce that the matter has been resolved, thanks to all the great adevice I received! I'm already a more confident person - still working on improving my self-esteem every day!
> Well my wedding is in 21 days, and I would just like some advice from all you married guys out there,for my new marriage-to-come!
> 
> How do you have a successfull marriage and grow old together??How do you keep the passion alive? How do you have a happy marriage? What advice & does and don'ts can you guy offer me???:scratchhead:
> ...


Before you marry do His Needs Her Needs together and do the boundary setting.

Also see Married Man Sex Life

My 35th Wedding Anniversary is this weekend.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Always think we, not me.

What ever problems crop up, communicate to resolve them.

Do not let resentments grow in your heart.

Sex is the glue that keeps a relationship thriving. Keep your marriage passionate.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Explain to your husband you re expecting a few weddings each month from the wedding and on for example of talking to him daily life and is important to not only end the conversation but you render yourself beyond yourself is like a wedding


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## happiermarriage (Mar 18, 2012)

Hello, Nervous Bride

I hope your wedding was great and that now you are on your way to make your married life great!

As a happily married man (for more than 20 years) and a marital therapist, I am glad that you asked these very important questions. You are aware that a happy marriage does not happen automatically and needs maintenance and care. 
Most of the advice you got here is sound and helpful. What I would like to add is that it is sometimes difficult to follow the advice and you need to be forgiving towards yourself when things are not perfect. 
Like all endeavors, marriage succeeds if you are committed to make it work and even thrive. It must be very high on your priorities list. 
Have you ever read books on how to make marriage happy?
If not, I would recommend some and also send you a free short PlayBook for couples ( a WorkBook full of activities for both of you ) which I compiled.
If you are interested please let me know by sending me a message or by mail ([email protected])

I wish you both lots of happiness!
Yehuda


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

For Carol and I the "secrets" are pretty simple.

We are a team. We behave like one. We recognize that there is no way to "win" in a fight with our spouse. We realize that we can only win or lose together... as a team. Accordingly, the good of the team gets prioritized. What is "good for Carol" or "good for Jeff" is of little concern. Put more simply, we try to be "selfless" in the finest traditions of religions around the world.

When we "pay into the marriage", we do so in the coin of the realm.. What I mean by that is we do not selfishly put into the marriage the thing that we want. Instead, we put in what is needful. That requires understanding each other... deeply. There's a lot of interesting things that stem from that concept like, "how to manufacture free happiness in a marriage".

Finally, we are not interested in a "least common denominator" marriage. We want it all... we want what the poets write about. Accordingly, we take the ridiculous hyperbole that poets have written over the ages and treat it as "really good advice". As another thread said somewhere... we are not interested in a 50/50 marriage. We want 150/150.

The rest all flows from there... great sex... great connectedness... great everything.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Best advice I ever got was: "Pick your battles".

Don't fight on everything, just stand up for what you need and what will make the marriage stronger.

As others have said marriage is work, and that work is done through communication and deeds (based on an outpouring of your love for each other). Never stop communicating.

Don't go to bed angry.

Watch the wallet, if you can help it let the only debt you ever have is a mortgage. Debt can quickly enslave you both, and it's a cruel master. Remember that happiness isn't found in things.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Let go of the little things, the little irritations that really never matter much in the end. 

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and treat each other with kindness. 

Remember that no one was born and raised to be your perfect partner and to do things exactly the way you always want them, so cut him a little slack and temper your expectations.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

So much good advice here on this thread.
Good for new and existing marriages.

You folks are awesome.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NervousBride said:


> Hi Guys- smoe of you might remember my previous post - well I amplease to announce that the matter has been resolved, thanks to all the great adevice I received! I'm already a more confident person - still working on improving my self-esteem every day!
> Well my wedding is in 21 days, and I would just like some advice from all you married guys out there,for my new marriage-to-come!
> 
> How do you have a successfull marriage and grow old together??How do you keep the passion alive? How do you have a happy marriage? What advice & does and don'ts can you guy offer me???:scratchhead:
> ...


Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books that are at the links, read them and do the things the books suggest. 

It's the best advice I can give you.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing." Joey Adams. JK

My fav~ "A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it." John Steinbeck

Love, laugh, learn from each other.

Twenty years married; approximately sixteen really happy. I could give you lots of words but my best advice is to never forget that NEWLY married feeling. Marriage is one situation where you don't want to lose the stars in your eyes. 

Congratulations and good luck!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1- never be afraid to ask for want you want/need and encourage the same from them
2- establish boundaries and revisit them time to time
3- sex, lots of it


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## amucher (Dec 6, 2010)

How do you handle a husband who doesn't communicate well? It's just his personality he doesn't do it with bad intentions....


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