# I slapped him!



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

So I actually slapped my stbxh today. I just got so f*cking fed up. Check out my other thread for background, but pretty much he left me 4.5 months ago for an 18 year old (as of 3 weeks ago). He cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second child. Then one month after leaving he introduced that w*ore to his whole family as his gf. We have to be separated for 8 more months before we can divorce and this is just sooo humiliating. I dealt with that. He doesn't give me any money besides $450 for piss poor child support a month. This week I had no money for diapers, as I just went back to work and pay for the mortgage, bills, food, medicine, clothing, and only do relief. I asked him if he could buy diapers, he said he had no money. Bullsh*t. He walked away with 56K that was in his account. I can deal with that too. But I asked him to keep that little homewrecker away from my children, as they are 2years old and 5 months old, and don't need people coming in and out of their lives, screwing them up for the future, so daddy can impress and get laid. He told me he would. Then today when I came home from work to pick them up (I work as a substitute teacher for now since I didn't renew my contract thinking I'd be home with the kids for a year, while he dropped his work to 3 days a week!!!) and they stunk of cheap _Impulse_ deodorant. I confronted the scumbag and he said she wasn't there with them. Well, nobody else would have been. His mom is out of the country and other people have work. She however doesn't, since she just graduated high school and took a year off before starting college. Christ, this is so F*cking pathetic! Then I couldn't take it anymore and I left. Then I came back told him off. His argument is always "if you talk like that I'm leaving", like he's doing me a favor by hanging out with HIS kids. I just slapped him. He was holding our baby at the time. This is so bad. He then grabbed me by the arm, shook me and pushed. He gave me the baby and left. This was 4 hours ago. He won't call the police, because he doesn't want the kids. *******. I shouldn't have done what I had done. But I just couldn't help it. I never hit anyone in my whole life... even when I was little. This is so hopeless. I hate him for ruining our lives then continually flaunting his happiness in my face. My friend told me his latest fb update was 'a whole new world, a new exciting point of view' . I'm glad it is for you asshat. How am I going to get through this??? I can't take this anymore.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It is a whole new world when you abandon your babies. In time you will see you are better off not being married to a fool.

Good luck and prayers.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

So so sorry for you. What an azz of an ex you have. Please try to focus on yourself, I know it seems impossible but I can gty you will find happiness again, and I can promise you that he will soon find out the grass isn't greener and his little young chicky will eventually tire of 'the old man' she is with. Can you have legal papers drawn up stating she doesn't get to be alone with your kids...esp your baby who can't even talk yet? I don't think OW should be around the children since she helped ruin their lives, for the short term anyhow. I probably would have done more then slap him.....


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Your H is a complete ass, no doubt. I can see how you may have got to the point of slapping him. 
In our culture, for some strange reason, we see women slapping men modeled as apropriate behavior. So, perhaps that influenced you.
I think many BSs have the urge to at least slap their cheater. And, as I mentioned, women have been getting the message for centuries that this is no big deal. So, as a woman, it may be tougher to resist the urge.
It is unfortunate that you struck this jerk. But, he is acting like an abusive a-hole(like all cheaters).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do you have a lawyer, how the hell could he take 56K and not split it?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You are separated, right? See what you can do about filing for legal separation, if you have not already. And see if anything can be done to get REAL child support out of him. Also, see if you can get it stated, ON PAPER, that neither of you can bring new friends, or anyone, really, around without the other's consent. He thinks things are peachy now? Don't make it easy on him. He has kids to take care of. And, I am not sure, but you MIGHT be able to get some kind of support out of him for you, in the interim. Seriously, go to the courthouse, or DHS or SOMETHING. See what your options are and move on from there. You may be unable to file for divorce, but you sure as hell can make his life less easy NOW! Also, if your income is that bad... and I wouldn't suggest this to everyone...get assistance from DHS if you qualify! You have no intention of staying on it, I assume. So... go and apply. Now, if you get assistance, and continue to receive assistance when the divorce is filed/final...AND you get custody of the kids, he will have to pay. He will have no choice. Anyone getting assistance HAS to file a child support order.

Again, I'm not suggesting you get on it unless you NEED it. But do what you have to do to get him to take care of his kids!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> do you have a lawyer, how the hell could he take 56K and not split it?


My guess would be that they had separate accounts or he cleaned out the 56K and opened his own account. That's another thing she should do... See if she can get a court order that THAT money gets split now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Sounds to me like you've had a piece of good luck.

Do you have any support near?
Family, friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw, where's the line to slap him? I'd be very happy to wait in it


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honey, do you have a lawyer? What do they say about the 56K? Aren't you in Australia? The members kylies72 and ing are both in Australia. I know the two of them were communicating to help kylies72 get child support and other legal help. Please share your situation and perhaps they can help you (you can also PM them).

-------------------------------------------

I'm going to speak to your feelings, since that is what you have mostly talked about here. 

You know better than anyone on the planet that you can't control another human being. If they are going to make assinine choices, if they are going to walk right over a cliff, that is what they are going to do. You cannot control how profoundly selfish he is. You know his parents are no different--the whole family is this way. It has been such a bitter pill for you to swallow so far from home.

You've probably heard about the stages of loss / grief. Not everyone believes they apply, so it's not a science. But in general, the first stage you go through is denial (shock)--your husband is taking up with a 17 year old. You might have even stayed at that stage for a while--few things in life are more shocking than a man with a pregnant wife taking on a teenage girlfriend with the support of his parents. You are not the only person to be shocked by that.

Another stage of loss is bargaining. This is where you either bargain with your husband, or with God, or both, to try to persuade him not to leave you. You work very hard on convincing yourself that this is a nightmare, you are going to wake up from it, etc. But the nightmare doesn't end, because not only does the universe revolve around him, but also, he has a built-in support network of evil in-laws who think that 'cultural background' is the best qualification for a daughter-in-law (beyond disgusting).

Yet another stage is depression. Enough said.

Then there's the 'stage' of anger. And here is where the whole idea of grief in stages breaks down. Anger is a reaction to injustice--and if anyone has been gravely wronged in this world, it is you. Ordinarily, the answer would be simple in the case of a breakup--get the h*ll away from him, anger dissipates, rage diminishes in strength and frequency, you get on with your life.
You, unfortunately, must be in regular contact with a never-ending source of potential anger.

You probably feel conflicted about the slap because in the moment it released a lot of emotion. But you KNOW you are different from this man. He has turned out to be one of the most self-centered people imaginable. Do you know what he does when he turns and walks out your door? He does not think about you. He does not ponder how he romanced you, or how you two fell in love, or your wedding, or any of that. He's thinking about a race to the bottom with a teenager over who can be more immature.

Tell yourself this over and over: the best revenge is INDIFFERENCE. Do not dignify him with any emotion. He does not deserve any from you! When he is around, you are bored out of your mind. Everything about him is tedious and a snore. And the more you think this way, the more you will find that he is not worthy even of your anger.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, you need to protect yourself from being with him in private. So that you will not be tempted to strike him again. It's understandable what you did, but you are right to be concerned about it as you have a lot of anger which is also understandable. But you can take care of yourself by asking to only switch the children at a neutral location. This might be at a local police station or a McDonald's that has a play area, etc. Anywhere there are guaranteed to be people and also a videocamera surveillance.

It sounds like you are capable of taking care of yourself, what with getting work and being the best mom you can. Even though you are not divorced it's likely you can apply for state/community aid for day care and other assistance. The state will figure out about the child support and even collect it for you. They are used to dealing with the situations you describe. They go by your actual household, and won't count all of the marital assets he is holding and you can't access. 

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to control stuff you can't, such as if he leaves the kids with the 18 year old. Your kids will really be okay. It's not ideal of course but try to focus on things you actually can be in control over. You will go nuts trying to find out when and if the kids are with her. What you can control is if your kids come back physically harmed in some way. This is another benefit of meeting at a police station to change physical custody, you can inspect your kids and if there is an issue, such as bruises or severe rash, etc. you can file a report right away. 

Some communities actually have special centers set up for parents who need to swap off their kids, but there is stress between the two of them. 

Time will be your ally. If he did clean out 56K in a joint account, the bank statements will show the initial money and the transactions. Just because he took the money doesn't mean sharing it in a divorce won't catch up with him later. He will have to do financial disclosure, and there is a paper trail, if he tries to hide it he can be held up on lying in court and fraud. 

Sorry this happened to you. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, both in marriage and in personal conduct. You now know you are capable of striking under extreme stress. Take care and change your environment so that you are free from the hassle of wondering if you will do that again.

IC might be helpful, although if you want it free/low cost there will probably be a waiting line. If you have insurance it would be easier, in most states you would probably qualify for adult Medicaid and that would be great because you could get counseling which is very helpful to learn to deal with anger and the emotions that feed it such as shame, humiliation, etc. You are a good person. Don't let you husband's actions define you. Soon you will be separate from him, and not have to live in the shadow of his behavior which was his choice, not yours.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, you need to protect yourself from being with him in private. So that you will not be tempted to strike him again. It's understandable what you did, but you are right to be concerned about it as you have a lot of anger which is also understandable. But you can take care of yourself by asking to only switch the children at a neutral location. This might be at a local police station or a McDonald's that has a play area, etc. Anywhere there are guaranteed to be people and also a videocamera surveillance.


:iagree:

You need to get in control, because he can use your anger against you. Use it to take the children, get a court order against you, use it as a reason to turn others against you and blame you for the divorce. Heck, he can use it just as entertainment in watching you get all mad. Don't give him that power.

As tough as it is, you need to get control of your anger and detach. For you and your kids.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Yeah, I saw the bank statement of his (came to the house) and he pretty much blew the 56K! His cell phone bills alone were 4K in 3 months... I believe he transfered like 10K to another account, but everything else he either spent or withdrew from the ATM... So as far as that goes the money is GONE!!!
As to child support, that's actually all I'm entitled to. That was the child support agency estimate based on his income (works 3 days a week) vs. my income. Child support in Australia is a bit ****.
I texted the turd before and told him that if he wants to pick up the kids for the next 2 weeks or so, he needs to get a neutral party to pick them up for him, as I don't want to see him.. I told him it's an emergency solution for now. Good luck to him finding a neutral party though.... everybody hates him. I don't trust myself around him. Additionally, it just hurts me too much. After 4 months I have gotten to the stage where I can feel good with my kids and work, as long as I don't see him. 
I'm also doing some letting go. I'm going to sell the piano he bought me for my b-day 4 years ago. I loved that piano, but now all I remember is him playing it right before he left me. He played these sorrowful songs that his new gf loves. So I don't want the piano. I'm trying hard, and I do have good days but I just go so angry since about a week ago. It was my little girl's Christening. He showed up 20 mins late, looking hungover and ****ty in general. Then he left right after, but not before asking our mutual friends (friends of his family originally)/ godparents if they could keep the Christening a secret from their and consequently his parents, because he didn't tell them about it. He blamed it on me when I told him that's not on. He said they wouldn't have been invited by me and that would hurt them. They are out of the country anyways. Everything that goes wrong is apparently my fault. That's what started all this anger, the slap was a culmination.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

but those were shared assets, and despite whether or not he spent it, you are still entitled to 28K and his wages can be garnished (at least in the US)

do you have a lawyer?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think tacoma summed up your situation the best.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Sounds to me like you've had a piece of good luck.

What do you mean by that Tacoma? I feel a bit clouded at the moment....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> Sounds to me like you've had a piece of good luck.
> 
> What do you mean by that Tacoma? I feel a bit clouded at the moment....


I mean the fact that he`s out of your place.

Everything else obviously sucks right now but truly a man like that would never help you have a good life.

You have to muster any and all resources/support you can and get on with life without him.

Do you have family near?
Good friends?

Get some legal aid if he`s taken all the cash and see what you can do about getting some of it back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

no it wasn't good that she hit him (despite my joke) and even though it just stung and shocked him, it is not an appropriate response, even if just for the reason that he may very well feel justified to hitting her back

It's smart that she will now exchange the kids thru an intermediary


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I also wonder why you got pregnant with a guy who clearly by his infidelity did not want to be with you?
> 
> Did you think having a baby would make your troubled relationship better.
> 
> ...


youre barking up the wrong tree, the infidelity was discovered during the 2nd pregnancy


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

unhappy 2011, i don't think hitting him was ok, that's why i'm so upset. 
We planned to have this baby. He cheated while I was already pregnant, I had no idea. Maybe he wanted the baby to throw me off? We were together for 8 years. You make it sound like I tried to trap him! I am perfectly aware that kids are not glue.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

answer please honey- do you have a lawyer?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

put it this way honey- HE STOLE 28K from your children

FIGHT FOR IT

bring the proof to a lawyer now


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Meh, he deserves worse to be honest. Hope it knocked some sense into him.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> It's good to rule it out isn't?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you make a habit of posting first without reading someone's backstory? It's a marvelous way to save you from making an a** of yourself

Honey, when you get the chance, please answer AR's question about an attorney, we really want to know!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Wear brass knuckles next time and give him a good punch.

What a pos to leave two baby kids and run after a 18yo.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes I do have a lawyer. I can't afford her at the moment though. I will go in for a 1 hour consult in 5 weeks when they have a break in school... I need to work for now and I never know when I'll be called in therefore making an appt. ahead is impossible. I will see her as soon as I can though. The law here is a bit depressing, for example divorces are ALWAYS no fault and the split of assets tends to be 50/50. I will buy this ******* out of the house though.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

The lawyer did warn me last time that he prob. won't help me financially. Funny I told her, no no you're sceptical..... she was right. There's nothing I can do about it. I am on financial assistance from the gov. on top of my lame earnings, that's how I pay for the house. He doesn't pay the mortgage any longer, even if it's in both of our names because he says i'll buy him out... therefore it's my to pay. I can't force him... I either pay, or forclose.I want a home for my kids. I hate him


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Will you be able to get a full-time job for the next school term?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Prob. not... next school year though. My parents will try to 'supplement' me this year. They are lifesavers.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Prob. not... next school year though. My parents will try to 'supplement' me this year. They are lifesavers.


When does the school year run where you are--I guess it just started not too long ago


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> When does the school year run where you are--I guess it just started not too long ago


OH! Iheartlife, she's in Australia, right? Yea, the school year just started. I have a friend there who is a sub teacher. I remember that their school year is opposite ours in the US.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Feb to Dec. The contracts are out in Nov, so I missed out. I keep hoping somebody will get pregnant or take long term leave or something like that. In the meantime, you're right it's about the emotional stuff more. I'm a tough b*tch, so I will do what I have to do to make ends meet financially, I just need to get to a better emotional place. I am seeing a shrink when I can afford it, and she's great. Very pragmatic, but amazing when it comes to the cognitive upheaval taking place. She also met my ex, when I attempted MC right before I gave birth and I knew something was 'off' just didn't know what. So she really has some good thoughts to share. I just wish I wasn't so angry. I know anger is a stage, but it's getting out of control for me. It's scary.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> The lawyer did warn me last time that he prob. won't help me financially. Funny I told her, no no you're sceptical..... she was right. There's nothing I can do about it. I am on financial assistance from the gov. on top of my lame earnings, that's how I pay for the house. He doesn't pay the mortgage any longer, even if it's in both of our names because he says i'll buy him out... therefore it's my to pay. I can't force him... I either pay, or forclose.I want a home for my kids. I hate him


He does not get to tell you that you will buy him out. That is to be decided. Your attorney should be on this getting a temporary order to maintain assets and set support. If they are not, consider getting a new one.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I'll write this down TallAverageGuy and ask my lawyer about that. Thanks!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> I just wish I wasn't so angry. I know anger is a stage, but it's getting out of control for me. It's scary.


I posted this in another thread:


What is anger? | This Emotional Life

It's worth reading through each of the segments in the link above. I copied just this one part for you:



> Common misconceptions
> 
> It’s bad to feel angry.
> While anger usually makes us feel bad, it’s an emotion, and is not in itself bad. It also serves as a warning to let us know when a situation is not right. Anger can also be a strong motivator to speak up and make change.
> ...


When you next get a chance to talk to your counselor, I hope she can give you some concrete ways of channeling / managing your anger. 

On the lighter side, I always like to tell myself (because it's true) that anger is bad for your skin, bad for your heart (physically) and makes you fat.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

I'm not an attorney or even an Australian. : ) But I just took a gander at the government site about divorce / sep in AU. It looks like you are entitled to do a preliminary agreement similar to a marital separation agreement. You need to ask your attorney about doing this. I would push for him to paying half of that mortgage too. When my husband and I split I immediately had an MSA drawn up. You need to tell your attorney what you want. And be ready to fight for it.

I wouldn't wait 5 weeks. If there is any way get the agreement started now. Hit him while his head is full of fairy dust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

And you may want consult with more than one attorney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well I’m not for violence but I can see why you slapped him. Maybe you need to not be anywhere alone with him in the future since have discovered this new side to yourself.

While you cannot finalize your divorce for a while, you should be able to file for either a legal separation or divorce now… and then it will be in place until you have been separated the amount of time required.

Please see an attorney to find out what you can do. Generally you can file for interim support while legally separated. The court will order him to pay child support and spousal support. The spousal support depends on your joint income, bills, etc.

Take all the paperwork you have to prove that he took $56,000. That money is half yours. Your attorney can ask the court to have your legal fees paid out of it. Plus he would have to give a portion of that.

You can also ask your attorney to have your child and spousal support calculated on his income before he dropped below full time hours. He has a legal obligation to support his child at the level he is capable of earning and had been earning.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I also wonder why you got pregnant with a guy who clearly by his infidelity did not want to be with you?
> 
> Did you think having a baby would make your troubled relationship better.
> 
> ...


Wow, your posts here are so out of line.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are entitled to $28,000, half of the marital assets, if he blew away your half, that is his problem---or you can just take the house completely, and he gets nothing in re: the house when you finalize your D.

Here in Calif, and the U S---you are entitled to gov't help, if your income is below a certain level---do you qualify, you also might be able to get help with the children, from gov't programs, and you won't have to depend on your H.

As to his lover, being with your kids, you might be able to get a court order, making sure she is not allowed near them

You can go on line, and look at all the Aust. codes, and see what can actually be done---you can also do some of these legal things yourself, or with the help of legal aid, or a paralegal----there are things you can do legally, time for you to do them, including garnishing your H. wages, if necessary.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

It's been a few days since the event, and the most incredible change seems to be taking place. I feel like I'm 'letting go'. I am quitting FB cause I want to (!), selling the piano he bought me, cause I want to and generally pretending he no longer exists. Once I decided that I can't count on him and he is a POS all around (no redeeming qualities), it seems a weight has lifted. Also, I feel like I am regaining power. Now he can f*ck off, and it's on my terms. As soon as Jan 18 hits I will be the first to file for divorce... my last f-off. The anger is helping me to let go, and the anger is lessening. I just don't really care as much as I did. I still have a long road ahead of me, but this seems to have been my turning point. I feel the best I have in 5 months. I am enjoying my kids and making plans for the future. Financially, it's actually kind of like it was when he was around, as he didn't make much but spend like he did. It will be ok I think. This is the FIRST time I have thought that in a while


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

HOORAY for kicking facebook to the curb. Frankly the whole website is probably one great big trigger for you.

I know it is for me. 

Selling the piano also sounds brill. You need the $$ anyhow and although it is a lovely thing he's the one who has tainted it.

It is so hard not to hold out hope. I know with small children I would have.

So proud of you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

go honey go honey go honey


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

So today was his day with the kids and I saw him. I told him I'm switching days from Fridays to Saturdays for him. I work on Fridays-he doesn't. I told him I'm not going to wait for him to get to the house, holding my breath every time he's late. He claimed he'll come a half hour early. I said 'nope, kids are already signed out. You can take them from the daycare and spend time with them, but I need Saturdays to do grading and catch up on housework'. If he's going to bring them around the wh*re anyways, then he can have all his Saturdays shot, until the kids are old enough for the every other weekend arrangement in 2 years. F*ck him. I am really trying my best here. I also applied for a full time teaching job going term 3 of this year (july). I'm doing it. I fake it half the time, but it's all I can do at the moment. I just wish he wasn't so damn good looking. *#$#*$#&(! 
As to his new 'missus' I heard a new Regina Spektor song today. It's very sad, called 'a ballad of a politician', but it really fits how I feel about HER.

Shake what your momma gave you,
you know that it won't last, 
you're gonna taste the ground real soon, 
you're gonna taste the grass.. 

I don't want to be a bitter person.


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