# young and considering divorce :(



## alicialovesrrr (Nov 16, 2009)

I am 28 years old and have been married for five years. I love my husband very much but there are things that are not quite right. My husband is very kind to me, almost superficially. I feel that he is never really honest with me about what is going on with him inside. He is very consumed with his work all of the time as well. We've talked about this time and time again and have tried to make amends. How it seems to go is that we'll connect on one evening and feel close but then drift back apart again. I keep finding myself wanting to just shake him and say, "wake up!". He seems preoccupied inside but trying to present as happy and loving outwardly.

The fact is, he spends a lot of time at work and if he does engage in activities outside of that, they definitely do not involve me. His interests are sports and video games, which I am not a fan of. I am completely supportive of his interests but it seems that we do not share any. He's not into things I'm into nor am I into his. It creates even more distance. 

Another facet of the problem is that I am the only one who seems to plan for our future or care about lives, both financially and emotionally. I feel like I am driving the ship with someone who is just along for the ride! He is consumed completely but his work and is oblivious to everything else. He has me take care of everything financially and otherwise. He never talks about our future, goals, anything. It seems like his theme is: work my ass off and go home and be kind to my wife. There's no soul in it. There's not really passion for anything that has to do with our lives together. He talks more about his work than anything to do with us. It's very heartwrenching. I do not believe he is cheating on me whatsoever. I almost wish he were so I could have a something to at least pinpoint for why things are the way they are!

I am reaching the point in my life now where I am really wanting to have a child. It seems impossible at this point in our relationship to have a child in the equation. I am at a loss. I don't want to sit back and watch my life go by waiting on a man who may never "wake up" and join me in this marriage. He has said that he wants to have a child too, but only when I bring it up. He just seems to just go along with and agree with everything I want. I am not getting any younger and if I want to have a child I need to move on in my life so I can achieve that. I love my husband and I don't want to leave him. What should I do? Am I blowing this out of proportion? It seems like our problems are not so huge that we should divorce but I don't know what else to do!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

alicialovesrrr said:


> I am 28 years old and have been married for five years. I love my husband very much but there are things that are not quite right. My husband is very kind to me, almost superficially. I feel that he is never really honest with me about what is going on with him inside. He is very consumed with his work all of the time as well. We've talked about this time and time again and have tried to make amends. How it seems to go is that we'll connect on one evening and feel close but then drift back apart again. I keep finding myself wanting to just shake him and say, "wake up!". He seems preoccupied inside but trying to present as happy and loving outwardly.


My H is really like this, too. i didnt realize it until recently. i have mixed feelings about it. on the one hand, i want him to open up to me but maybe im not trustworthy enough. my H and i have had a rocky past. He went to a counselor for awhile and opened up in therapy so i think part of it is he doesnt feel safe talking to others. I try to keep in mind the environment of the relationship, and if we switched places would i be someone id want to talk to. so there's that. 

ive talked to my H about it and he says he doesnt really think about it. He likes to play video games so he can zone out and de-stress. its what he does constantly. while i wish he didnt do that, at the same time, do i really want to take away what helps him unwind? seems kinda mean maybe. i like talking to unwind and if someone asked me to stop, itd be really hard and i wouldnt feel very loved anymore. so there's that, too. 

but one way i do approach it is my H loves to be hugged and kissed. well, i tell him i dont really like being touched if i dont feel an emotional connection. after i told him that he started talking to me. it was shocking actually. so you might consider finding what your H likes and making a negotiation. 

I also used to tell my H when i was going to talk about something important to me and i needed him to respond. id ask him if he can respond the way i needed. if he said no, then i wouldnt talk about anything serious. that really helped in a lot of ways. i still do that sometimes but he's learning when im serious and when im just casually talking. 

and as far as the child goes, i know what you mean. i was talking about a child awhile back and my H practically fell asleep on me. then when an episode of his favorite tv show came on, well, he just perked right up. i got pissed. so i told him obviously he wasnt ready to even consider being a parent and i would never bring it up again. and i havent. he brings it up occasionally.


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

I dont think youre blowing it out of proportion at all!!! Its so hard when youre in love and you have fun with someone and youre engaged etc to really know what things are needed to make a relationship work. Its not like youre gonna sit down and quiz someone- what are you going to do all day when were married? how much affection will you show me? when do you want kids? how will you treat me when were trying to have kids? etc etc etc and even if you do do this your man will probably just be all smiles and happy and say go things but act differently after marriage! love and marriage is such a leap of faith really!! ur pretty much navigating a dark tunnel without a flashlight and hoping u dont step on glass
although i have gone through divorce, i personally dont advocate divorce. theres a reason you two got together. i hope theres still love and respect in this relationship. youre just going to have to let him know things arent okay and somethings got to change. look him in his face and ask him if hes willing to make some changes for your relationship. sounds like you two will benefit from counseling. let him know it would be important to you. if he doesnt want to go or makes excuses try going to a couple of sessions on your own

if its really really not clicking for him still, i would suggest separation first. go somewhere for a while to show him youre really serious. once he sees how life is without you it should hit him 

good luck hope i helped


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## MentalInstructor (Dec 1, 2009)

Seperating is not the answer. You have to convince him, that you are really serious about having kids. You can make him his favorite dinner and talk about it then, when you have his full attention. Talking to him while he play video games, will never work. NEVER!


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