# ED After Prostate Cancer



## Beerhunter (5 mo ago)

I've (57) been married for 26 years, wife (56) has had a low libido since the birth of our second son who is now 21 years old. I dealt with being the only initiator and having my advances rejected. There was always the "latter", which would most times be weeks away, although we were having sex once a week for the past few years. Prior to that, we would go weeks without. I've now been battling prostate cancer and the treatments although effective at combating the cancer, cause ED. I'm so upset and angry that I've wasted all those years waiting for things to get better. I just feel cheated out of what should have been. I know nothing can turn back time, it's gone forever.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

What does yoru Dr say about the ED due to the treatments? Is this a permanent thing, or something that will come back once the treatments are done?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Beerhunter said:


> the treatments although effective at combating the cancer, cause ED.


I had prostate cancer and had prostate removed decades ago. I had ED for a year.

Talk to your doctor about how upsetting this is to you. And ask the doctor what help is available. You don’t mention your treatments maybe testosterone suppression? There is fellow on here who went through that. Radiation?

Will only say that usually things improve as you heal, it depends on the magnitude of the damage. In my case, the "nerve sparing" didn't spare all it was intended to spare. You didn't mention incontinence (which in my case was as distressing as the ED) so I am guessing you are taking hormone suppression. The fellow on here said he managed through that.

Anyway, as best you are able you need to lose the anger about what might have been. The past is over. Move forward. You have a battle in your future just surviving the disease. Psychological is a big barrier with cancer in general and certain kinds in particular. I recall considering not seeking any treatment at all. And then after the operation thinking life wasn't worth living. Thankfully that passed for me. Contact the CanCare organization, they helped my recovery a great deal.

The doctors often don't do a very good job explaining what you AND your wife are facing, especially sexually. I think maybe they figure a guy over 50 doesn't need to be concerned about that anyway. And, they don't do much to help that aspect. My surgeon told us to wear ourselves out before the surgery because there "will be a dry spell". What an understatement. Then after followup he hands me some Cialis samples and says " try these ", with no explanation of what they were, what they were for, what to expect. Had to look it up online myself. As it turned out the nerve bundle was damaged so of course Cialis did nothing. Nothing helped. And no one cared. Except CanCare and my wife and family


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I guess you need to be angry at *someone*, so it might as well be your wife, right?


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Too personal.
Edited to say-don’t waste rest of your life being angry


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to stop deflecting your anger at your wife. Your marriage was not sexless. Once a week is in the normal range. Once or twice a week is most common. 

It wouldn't have kept you from having ED. Hopefully your condition will improve. I know it's all very upsetting. Don't make it worse by creating a big volcano in your marriage.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Not all men have ED after treatment for prostate cancer. What treatment did you have and have you gotten support from your doctor in dealing with ED?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Beerhunter said:


> I just feel cheated out of what should have been. I know nothing can turn back time, it's gone forever.


By the way, I'm one month short of 77 years of age, wife is 75. We've been married 45 years in Jan. My wife has physically not been able to have intercourse for over 25 years.

When I learned I had prostate cancer I became angry. I had stayed by my wife despite no intercourse, but that was my decision. I was angry that prostate cancer might mean the decision was no longer mine. I'd wasted all those years.

As it turns out my wife helped me get through and I'm fully functional. The decision is back in my court.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Julie's Husband said:


> By the way, I'm one month short of 77 years of age, wife is 75. We've been married 45 years in Jan. My wife has physically not been able to have intercourse for over 25 years.
> 
> When I learned I had prostate cancer I became angry. I had stayed by my wife despite no intercourse, but that was my decision. I was angry that prostate cancer might mean the decision was no longer mine. I'd wasted all those years.
> 
> As it turns out my wife helped me get through and I'm fully functional. The decision is back in my court.


That is what "in sickness and health" is all about IMO. My wife didn't abandon me because I couldn't get it up for a year after surgery. And there was no guarantee that I would EVER return to service. A lot of women would have headed for the exits. We remained close as best we could by other means. We are and have always been a team. Us against the world.

A lot of marriages don't survive a cancer diagnosis. The treatments for either gender are no picnic, will often drastically test and break the pair bond. The couple's sexual relationship is not even a consideration with the health profession. 

So again, OP, lose the anger! It will do you no good during the journey ahead. Covet whatever support your wife and family will provide.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> A lot of marriages don't survive a cancer diagnosis. The treatments for either gender are no picnic, will often drastically test and break the pair bond. The couple's sexual relationship is not even a consideration with the health profession.


I know of two men who have told their wives to leave and find a man who would be able to care for them as a man should. Quite a few men who don't go that far have real problems with feeling they are no longer men, some emotionally pushing their wives away. This is a rough time for relationships.

You are correct that the relationship is not even a consideration, no advice to have counseling to prepare. No real preparation for living with temporary or permanent castration. The medical community is focused on the cancer and the patient is just an inconvenient container for the cancer. A sort of celebration that "The surgery was successful, unfortunately the patient died."


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Julie's Husband said:


> Quite a few men who don't go that far have real problems with feeling they are no longer men, some emotionally pushing their wives away.


And if their wives say the wrong words or give off the wrong attitude help with the pushing. Honestly had I known when diagnosed what was ahead, I would have opted for “watchful waiting”. But no one will give you the honest brutal truth about what treatment is going to do to your life. Maybe the PSA test ought to be banned.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

So @Beerhunter , are we helping or hurting. Tell us how those who have walked your path can help


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## Beerhunter (5 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So @Beerhunter , are we helping or hurting. Tell us how those who have walked your path can help


It's been helpful. I was having a major pity party when I initially posted. I've been forced to wear a catheter for the past two weeks and have at least another 7 weeks to be tethered to it. The doc and I have been in watching mode for the past three years, then two weeks ago I couldn't pass urine. That set the stage for robotic prostatectomy scheduled for the second week of December. At least the surgeon has a lot of experience and has assured me that he will do his utmost to spare the nerves. 

A little bit of humor, when I typed prostatectomy it autocorrected to proctectomy, glad I caught that error.... ;-)


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Beerhunter said:


> It's been helpful. I was having a major pity party when I initially posted.


Pity party is understandable and unavoidable. Make sure you are aware of all your treatment options. Second and third opinions help prevent regret.

My cancer was caught early so I'm in remission after 28 sessions of beam radiation (IMRT) and six months of hormone treatment. I am fully functional, no ED, no incontinence. Since the odds at age 74 of ED within two years after radiation are 50/50, I'm one of the fortunate ones.

If you end up with hormone treatment (ADT) you'll learn what a real pity party is. ADT turns off testosterone (supposedly reversable) and causes male menopause with hot flushes, no libido, extreme emotions ("mood swings"), fatigue like you've never known and all the other joyous things women experience in menopause.

My wife helped keep me sexually active while on hormone treatment and with no libido. It is truly a "use it or lose it" situation and, unfortunately, most doctors don't know that castrate men can have sex and don't help there.

The emotions were the worst part of it for me. This is where the pity party comes in big time. Supposedly the effects stop after 14 months post treatment, but I'm still feeling the emotions and fatigue. The emotions cause us to choke up or cry at oddball times. I've gotten to the point that when I will be talking to someone I will warn them that I might randomly choke up.

I'll be seeing an endocrinologist in February to sort out what is going on with the hormones.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Beerhunter said:


> That set the stage for robotic prostatectomy scheduled for the second week of December.


The robotic procedures seem like the way to go these days. When I was operated on the procedure existed but was not as advanced as today. In retrospect the robot would have been a better option than the human surgeon I actually used. I have friends who got the robotic procedure recently and a very short recovery time. No incontinence, no ED about 2 months after procedure. 

A pity party is normal. I went through a lot of them. At one point in the hospital two days after the operation I was having suicidal thoughts, thinking "what is the point in living?", thinking about how to get enough of the painkiller opiates to check out forever. My faith and my wife are all that stopped me.

That is why you need to connect with a prostate cancer support group and seek a volunteer survivor to talk with irl. And ask for your surgeon to refer you and your wife for some help with the sexual issues. I didnt ask but should have.

Involve your wife in the discussions. You will be leaning on her for help through the entire process. My wife was a saint for me.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Beerhunter said:


> I'm so upset and angry that I've wasted all those years waiting for things to get better. I just feel cheated out of what should have been. I know nothing can turn back time, it's gone forever.


I'm sorry you're going through this right now.  

I was curious about this part of your OP - what do you mean ''cheated out of what should have been?'' Do you mean you wish you had left your wife?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Beerhunter said:


> I've (57) been married for 26 years, wife (56) has had a low libido since the birth of our second son who is now 21 years old. I dealt with being the only initiator and having my advances rejected. There was always the "latter", which would most times be weeks away, although we were having sex once a week for the past few years. Prior to that, we would go weeks without. I've now been battling prostate cancer and the treatments although effective at combating the cancer, cause ED. I'm so upset and angry that I've wasted all those years waiting for things to get better. I just feel cheated out of what should have been. I know nothing can turn back time, it's gone forever.





Beerhunter said:


> It's been helpful. I was having a major pity party when I initially posted. I've been forced to wear a catheter for the past two weeks and have at least another 7 weeks to be tethered to it. The doc and I have been in watching mode for the past three years, then two weeks ago I couldn't pass urine. That set the stage for robotic prostatectomy scheduled for the second week of December. At least the surgeon has a lot of experience and has assured me that he will do his utmost to spare the nerves.
> 
> A little bit of humor, when I typed prostatectomy it autocorrected to proctectomy, glad I caught that error.... ;-)


I am sorry you haven't gotten the support you should have from your doctor. At age 73 I have had several friends and co-workers get prostate surgery. Some have resulted in impotence because of nerve damage, others not. 

I wish you luck and may you and your wife find a way to have a happy sensual and sexual life together.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this right now.
> 
> I was curious about this part of your OP - what do you mean ''cheated out of what should have been?'' Do you mean you wish you had left your wife?


Not meaning to speak for him, but in his OP, he mentioned that "I dealt with being the only initiator and having my advances rejected". Some of what we read over and over on these threads. He just wishes they could have had a more robust intimacy now that he isn't capable of performing ( for now ). It is just some of the regrets we all face as we age, thinking about what might have been. As he said, a "pity party", which we are all prone to in times like he is going through.

The past is done, and the future is all we have. OP needs to focus on his future, which while it seems somewhat bleak now I can say from personal experience can be better than anything that has gone before. The relationship with a spouse *can* become closer from dealing with the challenge of a major illness. My cancer was while I was still working long hours. Recovery forced me to spend more time with wife and family. And after recovery came retirement and travel together. Some of the happiest times together came after the darkest with cancer diagnosis, treatment, recovery.

And, FWIW, after recovery the wife and I have had intimacy every bit as robust as in our twenties. Sometimes life challenges bring home to one another how fleeting life is.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> The past is done, and the future is all we have. OP needs to focus on his future, which while it seems somewhat bleak now I can say from personal experience can be better than anything that has gone before. The relationship with a spouse *can* become closer from dealing with the challenge of a major illness. My cancer was while I was still working long hours. ...Some of the happiest times together came after the darkest with cancer diagnosis, treatment, recovery.
> 
> And, FWIW, after recovery the wife and I have had intimacy every bit as robust as in our twenties. Sometimes life challenges bring home to one another how fleeting life is.


We had the same experience. When my wife was no longer able to have intercourse, we focused on that and failed to explore other intimacy. After a while she attempted to give me oral sex and masturbate me for intimacy. I felt that she was not comfortable with this. I told her to just let it go. I didn't want to impose. She saw this as my not wanting her to touch me.

This led to years of no intimacy at all.

Like I said before, accepting that was my decision. With cancer I thought I'd no longer have options. But I chose treatment that I thought would give me the best chance continuing to be sexually active. This included being castrate for most of 2020. Being castrate kills libido, but continuing sexual activity is needed to prevent penile atrophy and permanent loss.

I asked her how she felt about living with my cancer and her stroke. I told her I would need her help to be sexually active without libido. We had a beautiful conversation and learned there is much about each other we had not known or understood. 

My wife told me she would be there for me despite dealing with recovery from a stroke. She gave more than I could ever ask including attempting intercourse. We took the time to learn foreplay needed to arouse a castrate man and non penetrative physical intimacy that would give us both pleasure.

Oddly enough, cancer has renewed our relationship. Now we share a whole new intimacy and are as close as we were in our early relationship.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Young at Heart said:


> I am sorry you haven't gotten the support you should have from your doctor. At age 73 I have had several friends and co-workers get prostate surgery. Some have resulted in impotence because of nerve damage, others not.
> 
> I wish you luck and may you and your wife find a way to have a happy sensual and sexual life together.


My Prostate Surgeon lied to me about my sexual and urinary functioning after mine was removed four years ago. Since then I have not been able to have sex of any kind because there is no arousal anymore and no erections, ejaculations or orgasms despite the fact the cancer Doc told me I would be back to normal sexually after a couple of months. Two years after the surgery the incontinence got so bad (6 to 8 Depends per day) that I went in for a second operation (in the middle of the worst months of Covid) to implant an Artificial Urinary Sphincter. I still have to wear 2 pads a day due to slight leakage when I sneeze, laugh or cough but at least I am not soaking wet with urine all the time. 

As far as sex goes if you can still get an erection and/or have an orgasm consider yourself lucky. It is not easy being in a sexless marriage.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Mr B said:


> My Prostate Surgeon lied to me about my sexual and urinary functioning after mine was removed four years ago. Since then I have not been able to have sex of any kind because there is no arousal anymore and no erections, ejaculations or orgasms despite the fact the cancer Doc told me I would be back to normal sexually after a couple of months. Two years after the surgery the incontinence got so bad (6 to 8 Depends per day) that I went in for a second operation (in the middle of the worst months of Covid) to implant an Artificial Urinary Sphincter. I still have to wear 2 pads a day due to slight leakage when I sneeze, laugh or cough but at least I am not soaking wet with urine all the time.
> 
> As far as sex goes if you can still get an erection and/or have an orgasm consider yourself lucky. It is not easy being in a sexless marriage.


Doctors usually talk in terms of statistics; "Many men will recover in about two months depending on age, health, etc." The question we always need to ask is whether we are part of "many men". I just flat our asked the odds.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess you need to be angry at *someone*, so it might as well be your wife, right?


Wow..

A low blow, delivered.

SSGI, methinks, you are better than this.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Beerhunter, regarding the limited sex life that you shared with your wife for many years. You would do well to understand that you weren’t cheated out of anything at all. Since you chose to settle for that sex life, as your wife shared it with you. Which is entirely on you for choosing that, instead of dumping her when you found your shared sex life not to your liking.

As to your medical problems, that certainly sucks, and I wish you weren’t having that experience.


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