# Even worth it anymore?



## Seahorse8 (Feb 4, 2014)

Hello all,
Needing to vent and need some advice.
My husband and I have been together 8 years, married 3. Today I was scheduled for oral surgery in the morning. The night before I texted my husband asking him to pick up something for dinner since it would be my last solid meal for a while. He responds asking me if I want to go on vacation and he needs to know ASAP. I said ok I'll check my work calendar and see if anyone else is out those days. I found it very out of the blue since he is always complaining how busy he is and can't take time off. So that was the end of that conversation then finally around 730PM he texts me asking me what I want to eat and he'll drop it off but then he's going out. I ended up telling him forget it, I would just make something. This really upset me for for 2 reasons. 1. He knew how anxious I was about surgery so I thought he would be home to take my mind off it. 2. He made no mention the entire day of not being home at night and he had also been out the night before. So he came home to change, and I didn't talk to him since I was mad and upset. I end up going to bed crying, waking up every hour, until he finally shows up at 3AM. He didn't even come upstairs just slept on the couch. In the morning I got up and started getting ready and he starts in on me about being ungrateful because he just booked us (what??) a vacation and I'm not even happy about it. I said I didn't know it was a done deal with the limited texting we had about it and do you think that gives you the right to stay out all night? He said if I wanted him home I should have told him. I don't feel like I should have to tell my husband to be home, it should be something he WANTS to do. We have had major problems with his staying out all night before and have separated due to his behavior, so this is not something new. After fighting all morning, he takes me to surgery and had to stay there the whole time. He dropped me at home, went to get my meds, then left for work. He has not called or texted to see how I am doing, and currently at 830PM he is still not home. I'm just again at a loss as to how selfish and mean he can be. It seems as though there is no approach I can take or anything that I can say to make him realize his behavior is not that of a married man. I'm not sure what else to do or how else to fix our marriage.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

You sound like you want him to read your mind. Never, ever going to happen. 

When he (reluctantly or not) does the things you claim he should do, you behave counterproductively with passive-aggressive and attention-seeking behaviour.

Men aren't like women.

If you go off slamming doors and crying and saying 'just forget it', then instead of rushing to the rescue, they will 'just forget it'.

I realise you wanted a sympathetic response, but in real life, regardless of the fact that you are right to feel hurt about his failure to think about your upcoming surgery, you're not exactly making it easy to be nice to you.


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## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

Seahorse8 said:


> He said if I wanted him home I should have told him.





Seahorse8 said:


> I don't feel like I should have to tell my husband to be home, it should be something he WANTS to do.


That right there is your problem. He can't read your mind. If it was that important to you to have him home you should have told him. 

I hate when women do that. It drives me up the freakin' wall.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Should she really have to tell him that it's not appropriate for a married man to be out til 3am two nights in a row?

Should she really have to tell him to come home the day she's had oral surgery and is probably in pain and needs to be taken care of? 

Really???


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

"I didn't talk to him since I was mad and upset" 

I agree that the silent treatment is pointless in dealing with letting men know how you feel. Seahorse, if you were mad and upset then you should have said as much to your H, along with why you felt that way.

Having said that, I can certainly understand why you're upset. Seems to me that your H did a better job demonstrating how much he doesn't care, rather than how much he does. I feel it's time to sit down with him and have a good talk. Communication is key and your relationship really needs it. You haven't been married very long. Would you consider some marriage counselling?


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> You sound like you want him to read your mind. Never, ever going to happen.
> 
> When he (reluctantly or not) does the things you claim he should do, you behave counterproductively with passive-aggressive and attention-seeking behaviour.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

If you didn't want him to go out, why didn't you say so? If you were hurt that he wasn't staying home with you before the surgery, why didn't you let him know or have a discussion about it? 

I'm not saying I think it's okay for a married man to stay out until 3:00 a.m., especially the night before his wife is having surgery. But I agree that expecting him to read your mind and not communicating how you feel will always lead to disappointment and frustration. 

Talk to your husband about how this makes you feel.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Ask directly. Tell him your expectations.

But before you do that, count your blessings, then think back of all the loving things he did for you (even if they r not your love language).. Focus on positive things, calm down.

Then only after that, you talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm joining both camps...  

He was an ass. Can't argue that. Where is he going till 3 in the morning during the week, anyway?

And you can't harbor grudges for things that you expect him to do but don't articulate to him. IMHO, anyway. You can obviously do whatever you like, but it doesn't seem really fair to do that to him I think you'll be lucky to get him to do what you'd like him to do (need him to do?) when you tell him what you need. If you don't tell him, the odds go way down.

C


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Really? I know men don't respond to hints and you have to be clear but ffs, c'mon.

My husband went out for tea with his family the night my dad died. No I didn't ask him not to - I didn't think I'd have to???

I know the dots need to be put real close together, but c'mon ffs! Common sense! Men are not stupid.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He probably married you, thinking that it was YOUR job to take care of HIM. Stay home and wait for him. Do what makes HIM happy. Some men are just like that. 

Have you read Boundaries in Marriage yet?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Really? I know men don't respond to hints and you have to be clear but ffs, c'mon.
> 
> My husband went out for tea with his family the night my dad died. No I didn't ask him not to - I didn't think I'd have to???
> 
> I know the dots need to be put real close together, but c'mon ffs! Common sense! *Men are not stupid.*


One might think so with the 'spell it out in great big capital letters and shout it from the rooftops' attitude. But, the truth is some people simply can not be bothered to think about their partners. They have their own interests to think about.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Ill just say that if a woman I dated was having oral surgery, I would be there if for no other reason than to crack jokes and try and make her laugh  When she complained that laughing hurt, Id ask her if she thinks me going down on her is something she could handle. Shed forget her mouth pain real quick (disclaimer- I am compassionate- my aim would be to feel out what she might enjoy, and bring it with a ****y and funny mentality). My girlfriend did that for me when my wisdom teeth were removed... thats a really good memory :smthumbup: 

Yes, I would honor her request if she really felt like total sh!t.

I think he has shown a very lacking sense of empathy, and that her behavior is a reflection of that. I agree she should communicate what shes thinking as shes expecting mind reading, but with this guy I doubt it would make any difference.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Should she really have to tell him that it's not appropriate for a married man to be out til 3am two nights in a row?


Depends on what he was doing until 3 am. The OP didn't tell us. 



> _Should she really have to tell him to come home the day she's had oral surgery and is probably in pain and needs to be taken care of?
> 
> Really???_


Look at it again. This was the night *before* she had oral surgery, not the night after. So she's not in pain (yet). I understand she was probably anxious about the surgery, but the husband probably didn't realize that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> Ill just say that if a woman I dated was having oral surgery, I would be there if for no other reason than to crack jokes and try and make her laugh  When she complained that laughing hurt, Id ask her if she thinks me going down on her is something she could handle. Shed forget her mouth pain real quick (disclaimer- I am compassionate- my aim would be to feel out what she might enjoy, and bring it with a ****y and funny mentality). My girlfriend did that for me when my wisdom teeth were removed... thats a really good memory :smthumbup:
> 
> Yes, I would honor her request if she really felt like total sh!t.
> 
> I think he has shown a very lacking sense of empathy, and that her behavior is a reflection of that. I agree she should communicate what shes thinking as shes expecting mind reading, but with this guy I doubt it would make any difference.


The great book, Getting The Love You Want, explains that we go into our relationships expecting the other person to 'fix' us, meet our needs, fill the void...but they are going into it expecting the same thing.

It's when we stop wanting to meet our SO's needs that it all falls apart.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Communication issues and oral surgery aside ....

I'm stuck on wonder WTF a married man is doing out until 3 a.m. Two nights in a row.

I'd suggest OP dispense with tippy-toeing around here. 

Find out what hubs is doing - and who he's doing it with - until 3 a.m.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

turnera said:


> The great book, Getting The Love You Want, explains that we go into our relationships expecting the other person to 'fix' us, meet our needs, fill the void...but they are going into it expecting the same thing.
> 
> It's when we stop wanting to meet our SO's needs that it all falls apart.


You know, any one of us likely knows this in some way, but every so often someone says it in a way that really makes it very clear; very good quote there. I agree, though Ive never had the words to explain it so succinctly. Cheers :toast:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hell, if you think I did it justice, read the book. It is outstanding. I was flabbergasted when I read it, thinking WHY THE HELL didn't I figure this out before?!


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