# Too old to leave



## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

I am 64 years old. My husband is the same age. This is my second marriage. We have been married for 25 years.

My ex husband was an alcoholic who had two long term affairs. We divorced after the second affair. 

March 2011 my husband mentioned he was getting a second sim card for his phone (this was genuine for tax reasons in this country - he is self employed but working for a company). I didn't take much notice until one day he phoned me by accident on his new number. He was very awkward and made all sorts of excuses when I suggested he give me the new number as it was our company phone and I was company secretary. I have never checked up on my husband in 25 years, (no reason to) but that day, for some reason, I wrote the number down.

About 3 weeks after this my husband became very distant, started arguments and was generally not his usual kind, caring, honest self. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew something was wrong and I knew it was a woman.(I think because of my previous experience in my first marriage).

I started checking up on him and one day about three weeks later I found a phone bill for the new sim card with 33 hours of phone calls and 43 texts messages all to the same number. I went to pieces.

I found this bill on a Wednesday. On the Friday night of that week I waited for him to fall asleep afer his evening meal and checked his phone. I found the vilest text message from a woman I didn't know existed. (I know most of the people he works with - he had never mentioned her name).

It was like a bomb going off. I won't bore you with the details.
There has been no contact since and she is very frightened that I might cause trouble for her ( she is 50 married with 2 teenage sons).

Over the next months we went through all the devastating gut wrenching hours - sometimes weeks of bewilderment and white hot anger on my part and stubborness and defensiveness on his. He is very embarrassed and very ashamed. I did manage to get,him to write down the worst text messages she had sent him (did look like she did all the chasing) but why would anyone go after a man in his sixties? His defence was that it was only a bit of fun common to his work environment. That's the way women working on building sites(ADMIN) behave.

I don't believe most o this. She phoned him every evening on his way home from work . They spoke for minimum 30 minutes, sometimes 45. He says it was about work but he was the project manager - she answered the phones and did some clerical work - that doesn't seem right. 

The huge part of this for me is that they spoke every weekend - normally 3 - 45 minute calls on each day when he was away from our home following his hobby. This is the part I want answers to. 

Today I feel stronger. I am not the weepy, needy, frightened person I was and I want answers. He refused to tell me what they talked about during these long weekend conversations apart from it was about work and a common interest they shared

The last time I asked about it he got very angry and said "I will decide when and what I will tell you"

That was it for me. I have taken a huge step back from him. I am vey polite but icy cool. I still can't believe that the kind, gentle man I trusted with my life would do this. Until I know the full extent of his attachment to this person we can't move forward.

I am so terrified of being alone at this time of my life. I never thought my life would be like this now.

This weekend I am going to give him one last opportunity to come clean. 

I wish I had found all of you this time last year. 

I would really appreciate your wise adviice.

Bronwen


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry this is happening to you 

We just hired a 65 year old woman at my office. She may even be older but she's at least 65. She's single and has a blast traveling and doing all kinds of stuff with her friends and family. She seems very put together and happy.

You do NOT need a man to be happy and live a fulfilling life. No way.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Thank you so much for replying. I know I can survive on my own, but it is such a lonely road. I think I feel this way because I lost both my parents when I was very young and really I raised myself. I have always been very independent, but when I met my husband I let my guard down and trusted him completely. 

I don't think I have the strength or the will to start again now.

But thank you so much for your very encouraging advice


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Do tell the OW's husband, he deserves to know and it will help kill the affair


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't think of it as starting again then. Think of it as an ending that has to be.

Have you done some reading around the Coping with Infidelity forum to see what you need to do to be happy? Especially the 180? There's tons of links to it - I can go look and find them for you if you like.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell the OW husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If she does not have a husband send a mail to her parents and teenage children, they are old enough to understand what an affair is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Read the following link , there are posts therein that can help you 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are never too old to leave a bad relationship.

And it's true--you don't need to be married to be happy. You can always take lovers!


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

My mom is single, 70, and a BLAST to be around and very successful. She just emailed a copy of a letter from a company basically begging for her to take them on contract. So AGE has nothing to do with it!!!

I'm so sorry you have been hurt again in life. It sucks. I agree to tell the OW Husband as he deserves to know. It's not revenge or even about getting back, it's about doing what is "right" and not allowing a person like her to get away with it just because she has teenage sons.

Best of luck to you. I will be thinking of you and rooting for your strength.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

I agree, my mom is 69 and has started a new relationship with a 58 y/o man. She has lots of health issues and is feeling much better now. When I was over last week, I booked a trip to the beach for them to take for her birthday!

I know what you are saying about not wanting to start over. But you don't have to. There is no age limit on honor. You have a right to have a good life. Don't ever think you have to settle.

Keep posting and please take care of yourself.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm not quite 64, but am old enough to feel your pain. It's tough when you've invested so many years and so much of your life just to see it fall apart in front of your eyes.

His attitude really bothers me - "I'll decide when and what I will tell you" - seriously? After 25 years together? Unbelievable - how can he be so cruel?

Do you think this is some sort of age related fling? Or is it possible he's always been this self centered and you were blinded by love?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> I don't believe most o this. She phoned him every evening on his way home from work . They spoke for minimum 30 minutes, sometimes 45. He says it was about work but he was the project manager - she answered the phones and did some clerical work - that doesn't seem right.
> 
> The huge part of this for me is that they spoke every weekend - normally 3 - 45 minute calls on each day when he was away from our home following his hobby. This is the part I want answers to.
> 
> ...


Bronwen, my heart goes out to you. 

Your husband was in an emotional affair that may also have gone physical.

A great place to start is the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The book is extremely detailed and covers everything from the beginning suspicions to recovery. It goes into depth about your emotions in a way that can articulate your sense of betrayal to your husband. I realize what's more hurtful than anything is that you prayed you'd never go through it again in your lifetime. In that sense it's a Double Betrayal which makes it harder to move on.

This book will give you the responses you need to inform your husband how he is killing your love for him by his refusal to share the truth about this relationship. He owes you that or he does not deserve to stay married to you. You deserve to have EVERY SINGLE QUESTION ANSWERED.

You say that you read the "vilest" message, I take it that means it was very sexually explicit (?). 

I will tell you what they talked about. Apart from potentially sexually explicit stuff (phone sex, sexting--including possibly sending sexually explicit photos of herself), he probably talked about his hopes, dreams, and fears, while (if she is married) they complained about their respective spouses. The latter is part of a distancing mechanism that helps a "normal" person jusitfy this horrible level of betrayal to themselves.

I agree with others here. Expose her for what she is, a homewrecker, to her spouse and parents.


Can I ask you, do you have any evidence that it went physical? Because that may very well be the case.

Do they still work together? If they do, that has to end.

How do you know he isn't still in contact--simply his demeanor?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> "I will decide when and what I will tell you"


OH HELL NO!

He wants to get like that hmm?

Expose the affair to his OW`s husband, when her life blows up then tell him your next exposure is going to be his work and family unless he starts talking.

If I were his wife he`d already be in a ****ing fetal position under the kitchen table for making that statement.
I wouldn`t care what age I was.

He has no respect for you earn some...expose the OW.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tacoma said:


> If I were his wife he`d already be in a ****ing fetal position under the kitchen table for making that statement.
> I wouldn`t care what age I was.


:iagree:

And I also assume that you have complete transparency--i.e., he must share ALL passwords, all email accounts, all skype accounts, all facebook accounts, all IM accounts, show his computer and phone whenever you ask, etc.

But if they work together, none of that matters very much.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your replies. I hope you don't think I am rude for taking so long to answer,but I live in the UK hence the time difference.

I 've had a long hard think and I have written out all the questions I want answers to and I will give them to him this weekend. This might work because he finds face to face very oncomfortable

I want to talk about it - he doesn't. You can't be happy in turns

I can support myself I am financially independent.

I do know for a fact it was not physical. 

I am overwhelmed by your very kind supportive messages. Posting my experience on this forum has freed me - I feel such relief as I have not told anyone about this.

I have also written him a poem called "HIS NEW BEST FRIEND". I will post it here later today

I send you all my best thoughts and wishes and hope your today is kind to you

Bronwen


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

You are not that old.  Think about all the good times you had and just walk away, the 180 plan is very good. Find that HS BF and see what he's up too.  I have plans w/ my HS sweetie to play Bingo when we get old...and if I'm married....she's coming w/!! You and I know you were a good wife, you did what you were supposed to, he failed and still is, he's a jerk and you deserve better!!
Pray, cry out to the Lord our God and tell him ur pain, he will listen and comfort ur soul!! 
Mouse


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

The 180 is good. I have started. 

I am a good wife to him because

1. I love him and I know he loves me
2. My previous marriage was an unmitigated disaster,so this time I was determined to get it right from day one. More fool me!

I have stopped behaving like a human safety net (I am the go-to person when anyone needs help)

I have taken a huge step back from him. 
I think he lives in denial - hates being in the wrong and avoids conflict at all costs. I make him sound horrible - he's not he has always been a very kind loving husband. No-one is all bad.

Also - I don't take c**p from anyone anymore and if that makes me sound bitter then so be it.

I can cope with the truth. I have had to cope with many unacceptable "truths" since I was a small child.

One thing I have done throughout this time is cry for my Mum. I wish I could have one more day or one more hour with her. Sounds immature but I miss her every day.(She diied when I was 13 years old).

I was brought up in a very Christian household and throughout my childhood and teenage years I had a very strong faith but ---
so many bad things happened to me that I lost God and I have great difficulty finding him again.

So if I stay or go - one thing I know - I have to have the truth -that is non-negotiable

Thank you for your reply it means a lot

I hope you and your sweetie enjoy the Bingo

Bronwen


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> avoids conflict at all costs


That is my husband also. That is how he was able to justify confiding in a co-worker about how hard things were at home. She was having a tough time with her husband too (although her marriage is very different from ours--she's never been in love with her husband and told me so to my face, which I believe because she married him for his social status). Pretty soon confiding became a whole lot more.

I think getting more answers, the 180, and not being a human safety net all sound like very concrete steps toward a healthier you. The best thing about the 180 is that it helps you be the best you can be. And you need to be that with or without a spouse.

Can you answer this question (which I asked before): do they still work together?


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Sorry for not answering your question. They don't work together anymore. They did for a while after I found out, but she has now been sent about 400 miles away on another job. Thank God.

While she was still working in the same place I was completely paranoid. I used to physically shake all day until he came home. When he told her that I knew everything she panicked like mad and said things like "we are not having an affair and I am very happily married" Yeah right!
The other thing my husband does is deny saying the things he said in the first weeks after discovery. He forgets I keep a journal and the difference betweeen what he said thn and what he says now is astonishing.

As far as the 180 goes, sometimes it's the little things that count.

My husband is useless at putting clothes together - wrong colours, wrong everything. I was always on hand to help him and in fact the OW always told him how beautifully dressed he was.

He had to go to a function recently and I let him "dress himself". It was hilarious - he looked as if he's been dressed by a committee - BUT I let him go as he was.

For the first time in a long time I had a good old belly laugh.

It is so lovely to be able to share my thought with people who understand


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am so glad that...person...is far far away.

Have you considered disclosing the affair to her husband. He should know that his wife is out "shopping."


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also watch how fast she scrambles to save her marriage when you expose to her husband and possibly throws your husband under the bus. It's an effective way to kill an affair


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the man who started kentucky fried chicken didn't start it until he was 65. and then became a millionare.

never to old to start living life!


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

I really wanted to frighten the "you know what" out of her, I still might but I could never hurt her children.

I have her phone number ,I know where she lives, the name of her employer - never say never. 

She has two teenage boys and she admitted that her husband and boys would be devastated if they found out.

I'm sure lots of people would say I am wrong about this but I could not live with myself if I involved her children.

One other thing, I have used language I have never used in my life before, since this has happened. I have used words I didn't know I knew.

Bronwen


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> I'm sure lots of people would say I am wrong about this but I could not live with myself if I involved her children.


I realize you believe your husband isn't in the affair now.

But just so you realize, emotional affairs are very powerful. They are affairs of the mind, and 400 miles doesn't matter very much. The ways they stayed in contact are just as easy to use whether she is around, or not.

I know you don't want to hurt her kids. But she is the one who has hurt her kids. She has done it by depriving them of a loving marriage with her husband. She has set a horrible example of how to treat a spouse.

If he is indeed No Contact, you need to move to a healing phase. You need to address head on the reasons for his straying.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bronwen said:


> I really wanted to frighten the "you know what" out of her, I still might but I could never hurt her children.
> 
> I have her phone number ,I know where she lives, the name of her employer - never say never.
> 
> ...


let's be clear about one thing

your husband and this woman have already hurt them

telling them doesn't hurt them more

her husband is operating in a marriage without all of the facts needed to make a proper decision. He could be blaming himself for a carppy marriage and have no idea that it isnt his fault.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Bronwen, I'm a bit younger than you, but not that much. I've been fortunate to be able to retire early with financial security. I believe that the next 20 yrs are going to be a blast! This life is the only one you're going to get. Enjoy it. Make new friends. Your husband does not have to be the center of your world. If he wants to join your journey fine. If not, the h*ll with him.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

The trouble is I like my life. I worked outside the home all my life. Rubbish jobs in the early days, but desperately needed the money (ex husband's expensive hobby - booze). Over the years I progressed and ended up with a really good job I enjoyed. I retired six years ago and up to now have been happy with my lot.

Of course I could work agin if I had to but I don't see why the behaviour of my prat of a husband should push me into doing it.

(He actually called this huge upheavalin my life HARMLESS and A BLIP ON THE LANDSCAPE)


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> (He actually called this huge upheavalin my life HARMLESS and A BLIP ON THE LANDSCAPE)


Does he still think this way?

I previously recommended the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You need to read this book more than most people do. You will find entire passages that you will want to read aloud to your husband. Until he understands that what he did was a horrible betrayal to the marriage, you will not heal.

Then I'd book a marriage counselor who is trained in infidelity. Someone who will go over the affair and its causes and hold your husband responsible for his choices. His dismissive attitude toward your pain sounds like just the tip of the iceberg in your marriage. A forum like this cannot explore all those issues that got the two of you to the place you are today.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

I won't allow him to manipulate me any more. Now that I feel a lot stronger, I can see that this horrific thing that he did all on his own is being dealt with purely on his terms (don't mention the A word) and as far as I'm concerned this has hurt me far more than the 2 long term physical affairs my ex husband had.

I want answers. It is the decent, grown up thing to do and I would have far more respect for him if he stopped dodging it.

Thank you for replying

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

No, he does not still think this way. He does finally realise the damage this has done but it took a lot of very intense and angry late night conversations before he got it. I have the Shirley Glass book. It is my Bible. In the early days it stopped my losing my mind.

It was as if someone had written a book just for me.

It is only now a year since it happened that I seem to be coming out of my "fog" and mentally capable of challenging him - like tonight!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> I have the Shirley Glass book. It is my Bible. In the early days it stopped my losing my mind.
> 
> It was as if someone had written a book just for me.
> 
> It is only now a year since it happened that I seem to be coming out of my "fog" and mentally capable of challenging him - like tonight!


I am SO GLAD to hear that you have the book. Have you tried reading a paragraph or two to him? 

I think part of your issue is that it took an entire year to work to a place to start pushing back. He has moved on, and in his mind you're obsessed with the past. This is why you need a counselor. You need an objective third party to look him in the eyes and tell him, you ripped your wife's heart out and stomped all over it with your AFFAIR.

My husband was also in an EA which like you I've confirmed as far as humanly possible. But the difference between us is I was OUTRAGED AND ANGRY and he knew, the second time I caught him, that this was it, shape up or ship out. Acknowledging the extent of my pain and the wrongness of it didn't happen immediately, but I have most of what I needed from him in that regard now 2 months later.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> let's be clear about one thing
> 
> your husband and this woman have already hurt them
> 
> ...


I don't think her husband would be too surprised. She lied and told him she had sent "one stupid text message" which I had seen.. He just said "that was b****y stupid" and that was it.

I forgot to mention she was also sending very questionable jokes to the other males in the office. Don't know why my husband got the sex texts. He's not been hit with the ugly stick, but he's no Adonis.

As far as the kids go - I'm a pushover when it comes to stuff like this


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I am SO GLAD to hear that you have the book. Have you tried reading a paragraph or two to him?
> 
> I think part of your issue is that it took an entire year to work to a place to start pushing back. He has moved on, and in his mind you're obsessed with the past. This is why you need a counselor. You need an objective third party to look him in the eyes and tell him, you ripped your wife's heart out and stomped all over it with your AFFAIR.
> 
> My husband was also in an EA which like you I've confirmed as far as humanly possible. But the difference between us is I was OUTRAGED AND ANGRY and he knew, the second time I caught him, that this was it, shape up or ship out. Acknowledging the extent of my pain and the wrongness of it didn't happen immediately, but I have most of what I needed from him in that regard now 2 months later.


You are absolutely spot on in what you say and You are right I am only now catching up with my anger. He does think I,m obsessive and probably an absolute basket case but do you know - I don't care what he thinks any more.

I am seeing a therapist who has helped me so much to hold him to account without appearing to be crazy. (My anger ruled every waking moment until she made me see that once I got really angry with him he switched off or try to change the subject. She helped me get my words right and it has changed things - in fact he did say last week "you don't love me anymore do you" I said nothing.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

This is something I wish more BSs could see. While anger in this situation is BEYOND justified, it leaves no room for the WS to reach toward a middle ground. It is a feeling to experience but it cannot become the status quo.

Have you explained to him that there's been a delay in processing you emotions. That because of the prior betrayal, it sent you to a place that even I, with a husband who had a long-term EA, have never been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bronwen said:


> I don't think her husband would be too surprised. She lied and told him she had sent "one stupid text message" which I had seen.. He just said "that was b****y stupid" and that was it.
> 
> I forgot to mention she was also sending very questionable jokes to the other males in the office. Don't know why my husband got the sex texts. He's not been hit with the ugly stick, but he's no Adonis.
> 
> As far as the kids go - I'm a pushover when it comes to stuff like this



well if she has a propensity to go after not just your husband but other men, then she might bring home a STD, he deserves to know- pure and simple


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

this is exactly what the therapist said.. Because of my previous experience of betrayal I for many months I could barely function mentally and apart exploding with anger and repeating myself constantly.

He has definately seen a change in me and I find I can now get my point acroos in a calm manner which seems to be far more effective than behaving like a fish wife!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bronwen said:


> this is exactly what the therapist said.. Because of my previous experience of betrayal I for many months I could barely function mentally and apart exploding with anger and repeating myself constantly.
> 
> He has definately seen a change in me and I find I can now get my point acroos in a calm manner which seems to be far more effective than behaving like a fish wife!


I had to do this as well, take the emotion out for it some time in order to express those emotions that I was feeling, kinda weird but it worked 

but at the same time a truly remorseful WS will look to be understanding of outbursts and such, as long as those outbursts aren't too abusive or violent.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bronwen

My heart shares your pain. 

Bronwen is such a beautiful name and it matches your fair heart.

Don't be afraid to be alone. Being alone is better than being tortured daily by doubt and disrespect.

When I was 22, my first serious boyfriend whom I was engaged to was discovered to have had an affair that lasted six months and was still going on when I discovered it. We had been dating for two years. 

I was devastated but not having much invested in him, I immediately broke things off. He used his key to enter my apartment and took back every gift he ever gave me. 

After ward, he offered to give them all back and he begged me to stay. I would not. He married his affair partner who broke up with her doctor boyfriend to marry my fiancé. 

Six months later she wanted out. She remembered what he did to me and thus emptied out their bank account and had all the furniture moved to her new boyfriend's apartment before moving out and into her new boyfriends place.

He called me again because I was still single. I did not even want to date after him. 

My ex fiancé called and called and called. I would not go back to him. Finally he married another woman. They had two kids. When the second was three he came home to find another man in his bed with his wife. 

Guess what......He called me, begged me to get back together with him. I would not of course. But I did feel very sorry for him.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well if she has a propensity to go after not just your husband but other men, then she might bring home a STD, he deserves to know- pure and simple


I understand what you are saying but quite frankly I blame my husband for this 99%. All he had to do was walk away and he didn't. We have lost a huge part of a very long happy relationship and it is now up to him to try to repair the damage. It will never be the same but it might be different but o.k. and o.k. is a start in the right direction 

She must deal with her own demons. 
I am sure she still feels very uncomfortable knowing what I know.
I have all the phone bills and text messages - hard copy and knowing this might make her think twice before doing anyhing like this again - so destructive for her own relationship also.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Bronwen
> 
> My heart shares your pain.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your sweet remarks. You seem like a very kind and caring person and as much as it must hurt ,I think you have had a lucky escape.

It must have been devastating to take such a blow at such a young age. I fully understand how that felt.

It seems he met his Waterloo eventually - I strongly believe in Karma - what goes around comes around.

I hope you have or will meet someone who will value a warm heart such as yours.

Bronwen


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hi Bronwen. I hope today is (was?) a good one. It's morning here but I guess it's a lot later there 

Stay strong.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bronwen said:


> I understand what you are saying but quite frankly I blame my husband for this 99%. All he had to do was walk away and he didn't. We have lost a huge part of a very long happy relationship and it is now up to him to try to repair the damage. It will never be the same but it might be different but o.k. and o.k. is a start in the right direction
> 
> She must deal with her own demons.
> I am sure she still feels very uncomfortable knowing what I know.
> I have all the phone bills and text messages - hard copy and knowing this might make her think twice before doing anyhing like this again - so destructive for her own relationship also.


this is the last I will talk about this since you are very resistant to the idea. But you aren't the first on this board to want to hold onto some sort of trump card or use the info as blackmail to keep them away from the WS. And yes, your ire should be more directed at your husband, so you do have that part right. Exposure is not for revenge, despite that added benefit for some BS's. And it sucks that the onus of informing the OWH is placed upon you.

BUT

Withholding that info is wrong and you know it. Putting aside the damage her husband is receiving from her and the moral obligation of him knowing what's happening is obvious, using it to keep someone in the relationship is a faulty premise. If you fear exposing her will cause her to leave her husband and run to your husband and they run off together then I will contend that your husband never officially came back to you in the first place and your R would never have worked. 

Besides, once exposed, affairs lose their excitement and this rarely happens anyways. 

If you read many threads around here you will see patterns, and exposure is a pattern that will be beneficial to your plight, whether that end result is R or D.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Hi Bronwen. I hope today is (was?) a good one. It's morning here but I guess it's a lot later there
> 
> Stay strong.


Today is a much better day. Talking to you all has lifted a huge burden off my heart and mind. Keeping something like this in your head can make you a mad woman and i can honestly say today is one of the best days I have had since this happened.

It is now 4.45 p.m. here in Wales (not part of England) a small lovely friendly pretty country next door with a fantastic rugby team and beautiful coast line and dramatic mountains. You can tell I love my country.

It is said that when Welsh people move to another country abroad or even elsewhere in the UK they suffer from hiraeth Welsh word meaning longing, homesickness. 

pronounced HE RYTH

Thank you for thinking of me

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I had to do this as well, take the emotion out for it some time in order to express those emotions that I was feeling, kinda weird but it worked
> 
> but at the same time a truly remorseful WS will look to be understanding of outbursts and such, as long as those outbursts aren't too abusive or violent.


I still loose it occasionally but it never gets me far. It's just that sometimes if I don't shout and swear a bit (Inever used to swear)I feel as if my head will burst.

Once I get my words out I seem to calm down very quickly - but trying to deal with this is sometimes so infuriating especially when the other person isn't really listening - that's when I shout


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And I also assume that you have complete transparency--i.e., he must share ALL passwords, all email accounts, all skype accounts, all facebook accounts, all IM accounts, show his computer and phone whenever you ask, etc.
> 
> But if they work together, none of that matters very much.


He's never hidden his phone and we have a shared email. No Facebook account or anything else. He leaves his search history for all to see.

He is actually quite open. He even made it really easy for me to find the phone bill and as soon as I caught him he took the "SIN" card out of his phone and gave it to me. Very tempting to get those text messages retrieved. He stillleaves his phone in the hall and has often allowed me to have it when he goes out.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> the man who started kentucky fried chicken didn't start it until he was 65. and then became a millionare.
> 
> never to old to start living life!


You really made me laugh when I didn't want to

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I realize you believe your husband isn't in the affair now.
> 
> But just so you realize, emotional affairs are very powerful. They are affairs of the mind, and 400 miles doesn't matter very much. The ways they stayed in contact are just as easy to use whether she is around, or not.
> 
> ...


You put things so well.

I am confident he is not in contasct with her now.

In the past I have seen so much hurt inflicted on innocent people and I know I can't do tell her family. It is pointless pretending I can.

I have talked to him about why he did it - something missing in our marriage mid life crisis and all I got was "nothing is wrong with you - non of it is your fault - I was just stupid.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well at least he was right about that


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well at least he was right about that


Oh yes !!!!

You are so funny!

Bronwen


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

bronwen said:


> I really wanted to frighten the "you know what" out of her, I still might but I could never hurt her children.
> 
> I have her phone number ,I know where she lives, the name of her employer - never say never.
> 
> ...


You don't need to get the kids involved, but her H has a right to know about this. She is using her kids as a shield. She may very well do this again if they don't confront the issues in their marriage. That was the prob with my H's AP. She had a bad marriage according to her, and he became her "soul mate", and bed mate eventually too. If this woman had just solved her own problems without involving my H I would be a happier person today. I am older too, and his AP was 33 at the time of the A. My heart goes out to you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> something missing in our marriage mid life crisis and all I got was "nothing is wrong with you - non of it is your fault - I was just stupid.


Well, I am glad he understand that particular "why."

But I would not let go so easily the idea that something was missing. He made a stupid, immature choice, but he got something out of calling that woman. He talked to her far, far, far more than my husband talked to his AP. I know because I have the cell phone and texting records, and they were only able to see each other one every month or two.

I know it's painful. But perhaps there's a different way to ask the question, 'what did you talk about.' It's, 'I know talking to her made you very happy, that you found it enjoyable. Apart from the sexual talk, what did you get from it? Did it make you special? Did she look up to you, or ask you for advice?' Just see where this leads.

You've made Not Just Friends your Bible. Have you looked at Love Busters, His Needs / Her Needs, and The 5 Love Languages? The latter would be way for your husband to show you more precisely, in a way that you would truly appreciate, his love for you.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My FOO found out about my father's affair one morning at 3AM. The OW's husband called and let the cat out of the bag. Perhaps if that never happened, my father still would have been cheating. Expose the OW. That is the best way to stop an affair.

I wish my mom would leave my dad. The poor woman is so miserable and she regrets not leaving nearly twenty years ago. La Maman was always concerned about the effects of divorce on her children and that is why she stayed. However, my siblings and me are grown up now. I have given her my blessing to leave and start over. 

La Maman thinks she is "too old" to start over. Jesus Claus, life is too short! Live your golden years with joy! Husbands who cheat late in life are throwing away decades of marriage, so there is nothing wrong with turning your back if your husband has already done so.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Read of your experience and I admire the way you have handled yourself and your husband so far. He is very lucky to have you but I don't think he realizes that. 

He has not yet felt the pain of what he did because he has not felt serious enough consequences. 

I don't think you should leave, not know but you may not be in a good place if you stay under the present circumstances. I don't think you wil ever get him to give you what you need by talking to him about it. 

He has to feel it and he needs time for the feeling to sink in and he needs space to come to you, admit what he did acknowledge your pain and work to atone. That is what you need to go forward in a new relationship.

I don't think he will ever give you the acknowledgment that he hurt and humiliated you and the atonement for the massive betrayal while he is so certain of you. 

He needs to feel the same sense of loss that you feel. Right now, you are meeting enough of his needs so that he does not have to make any major changes in his life. He already told you as much - you are not going anywhere so he decides what he wants to do, when and how. 

You mentioned that there are things that you no longer do for him. You need to do much much less. What is he getting from you that he needs? Emotional support, companionship, ego host of having a good woman that he did not have to work for? 

You spend most of you emotional energy focused on him - that reassures him that he has your heat and mind - even if the attention is negative. Don't talk anymore, he knows what you need. Don't ask for anything from him and give as much to him as you are getting. 

What are you doing for yourself? That is where the true growth in your life needs to happen. I think that as long as we are alive and no matter how old, we are given a chance to grow and transform. 

Here is your opportunity. What are you going to do with it? So far, you have grown your confidence. Now take it to the next level. Become so confident that the fear of being without your husband dissipates. When you can approach him with lack of fear, a sense of your worth in his life and confidence, you will have the best chance to get what you need from him. 

In fact the more you ask the less you will get, I think. I think you have to embrace the chance you have to grow - take it with both hands and step out there. 

My suggestion is to become a new person. You are on your way there anyway. So go the whole way. What would make you happy? what new activities would bring yoiu a sense of confidence and renewed energy? 

Pick one simple new thing to learn or do. Make it something that takes yopu to pl;aces and in contact with new people and takes time away from concern for your husband. Even if you just go for a bike ride or car ride for a few hrs every Sunday with no plan in mind. 

Do something different and keep doing it. Take the focus off of your husband and what he needs to do and put it on you and what you need to do. 


He took up with a woman of low character, hurt and humiliated his wife and has yet to atone. He has a woman of the highest quality, who even in the face of this betrayal, is still cat=ring enough to be concerned about the OW kids. 

Your husband cannot atone to a person like you but can give his time to a disloyal worthless woman! 

He just does not know how lucky he is, he could have easily married a woman like the OW instead of a beautiful, loving caring loyal person like yourself. 

You will never be able to tell him that in a way he will hear it. You can show him. Not by debasing yourself like this OW but by letting him feel your absence. 

He actually has more to fear than you. I don't know why you are so anxious. He is a fool not to realize. I think it is inexcusable that you cannot see your value as a person and as a woman. He thinks women like you are easy to meet, he needs to know that the type of woman he will meet is more likely to be like the OW. Give him space to feel that.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Catherine

I am so sorry I have not replied to you until now but I have had a hell of a week.

I want to tell you that your words really inspired me and "stiffened
my back" - so much so that I printed your reply last week and I have read it over and over agin since then. 

So thank you very much for what you said - i really needed someone to say that to me

I have started a new thread today called WELL THAT WENT REALLY WELL - an update of what has happened in the last week

Again

Thank you

Bronwen


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I will find it B. I hope you will be brave and make the changes. Don't hang in his words or actions. It will be hard and you will go back and forth but keep at it. 

You will eventually be able to be indifferent. Don't think that he will not regret your withdrawal he will but he may not show it.


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