# Please set me straight



## runner (May 12, 2010)

I desperately need some advice from someone looking in... I have been married for 8 years. My husband isn't an affectionate person since day one... never said "I love you", never wanted to hold my hand... He was selfish and he took our relationship for granted. He was also a binge weekend, drinker... I lost a lot of respect for him. When my daughter was 3 months old his mother had to call 911 because he was so drunk that he passed out. Now, he has cut back on the drinking... for now maybe? He never wanted to be intimate with me... He exercised a lot so we spent a lot of time apart. I told him that some things had to change or this wouldn't work. Four years ago I met a man that I was very interested in... I sent him an email mentioning how I wish things were different. Nothing came of it... Well 2 1/2 years ago I got pregnant and now we have a beautiful little girl. Things got better but then we fell back into the same relationship. About 8 months ago I stopped off at this man's place... I had such a strong desire to see him... I always felt a connection with him. I had an affair. I am still seeing this person. I am trying to always put my daughter first (if he spends the night he leaves before she wakes up, etc)... I love this man that I'm seeing. He bought me a ring to show his commitment. This relationship is not perfect either (he never likes to talk on the phone so we text...) but when we're together he is emotionally there for me. My husband is doing nothing but trying to have us reconnect. I feel like a terrible person. I don't take this lightly and I am tormented by the pain that he feels... I never wanted to hurt anyone... I keep telling him to move on and be happy and that he will find someone who would never consider cheating on him. He also completely changed for the better... but I am still not attracted (even tho he is cute) and my attitude is "you're too late"... It makes me angry because now after all of this, me having to say "it's over", he makes these changes now. We have never had a great sex life and intimate connection. I don't know what to do... we went to counseling... The easier thing would be to stay with my husband and not be happy. I want to be in a happy relationship because I think it's important for my daughter. He is a great father... even better now. He is going to sign the papers this week. I am afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I feel like I have to take this chance and trust the person I love. I hate myself for how I handled this situation. I should have separated and then approached this person who's been in my life for years. I am so concerned for my daughter. My husband and I have a great schedule in place, in which we see our daughter every day except for every other Sunday. My daughter seems fine, because we are respectful to each other and she knows we love her more than anyone. What should I do? Will my daughter think I'm a horrible person when she grows up and finds out what I did? I have apologized to my husband, telling him to find someone else bc I am sure I would do it again if we stayed together. Then I look at my friends, who are having trouble in their marriage, but they're sticking to it and trying to make it work (though they may be miserable).. What is the right answer? Am I a completely selfish person? I have always put everyone first and I feel like I need to put myself first for once. I cry all the time... I am happy with this man, but miserable because I miss my daughter and I feel so bad that my soon-to-be ex is so sad.... Please set me straight.


----------



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

The only advice I can give you is to relax, stop thinking about the past, and the future. Right now, what do you want? You are saying that you are certain that you will go back to this other man if you reconcile, you are already planning a future that may not become a reality. Remember, you were in love with your husband for a reason and this love can grow back if you want to. Take a look deep inside of yourself and find what you really want, also remember that it's better for a child to see both parents happy even if they are separated. 

This decision is yours, and should be based on what you really want, it shouldn't be based on what your husband wants, what your daughter will think of about you.

If you decide to give him another chance, do it and put all your effort into this decision, love unconditionally. If you decide not to do it without regrets, but try to find happiness first in yourself.

I notice you are not at peace with yourself, FORGIVE yourself for all those faults you did. Until you forgive yourself, you will be able to forgive others and be at peace. Until you are at peace with yourself, you will be able to decide with a clear conscience. 

Divorces are made in the spur of the moment for people that are not ready to either divorce or get back together or even find another partnet, the most important thing right now is not to get back to your husband, or have a life with the other man, or even think about what your daughter would think BUT to be at peace and happy with your life. Love yourself because you are imperfect and you are able to accept that fact.


----------



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Let me say I understand where you're coming from. My wife did all that to me and more, I was just like your husband was, I decided to change myself, and we decided to work on the marriage. 
Being on the receiving end of this I wonder if you've told your husband that you're having an affair? If you haven't then that, in my opinion, is selfish. You can't withhold important information from someone who is trying to make a life decision with you. He might see it as the deathblow or he might want to move past it, and that will show you what kind of progress he has made for himself. In the end, don't think it's fair to keep something like that from someone who's 'suposed' to be the love of your life and your partner. 
Using schedules or children as a reason to stay in a relationship is just looking for an excuse to take the easy road of non-conflict. If your relationship is meant to last then it will move past this and grow. The key is that it needs to grow, not tread water in the hopes it gets better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

....*continued* That's not fair to you, him, or your family. Children nowadays know and understand divorce more then they should. Be open with everyone end honest because it's how people should treat one another. You only get one guaranteed shot at living so why be unhappy. One minute of being unhappy is one minute of your life that you can't be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Whoops..just saw the part where you said you told him...disreguard that section then sorry 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Affair marriages rarely work.

Why?

Because they are created by two people who cheat.

So what do they do when THIS marriage is now as boring as the last one?

They cheat. Again.

If you truly wanted to do what's right for your daughter, rather than YOU, you would leave this affair partner, and either stay with your husband and FIX the marriage, or divorce him and never see the affair partner again, since he was 50% responsible for ruining your marriage.

fwiw, the reason you don't 'feel' it for your husband any more - and I'm not defending how bad a husband he was - is that you have a man waiting in the wings. A man who, if he REALLY loved you, would never have compromised your integrity in the first place. But knowing you have a 'way out' lets you rewrite your history in your mind so that you can say 'I'll never love my husband again.'


----------



## lk2 (Apr 26, 2010)

I agree, if this new guy cared about you as a person, why wouldn't he of told you to try and work it out with your husband? He bought you a ring, while your still married? He can't talk to you on the phone? Do you really know that this guy will be there for you, after you're divorced and it's just the two of you in a full time relationship?


----------

