# Are MCs unrealistic in their advice?



## 9966

My H and I been together for about 8 years and married almost 7 years. We have two kids (2 and 4 yrs old). We've been having serious problems for at least 4-5 years. If I'm honest with myself, some of the issues were there before we got married, but I guess I mistakenly thought they would magically disappear. 

My H and I started MC about 8 weeks ago. I honestly don't really feel like it's helping. At least it's not really helping to change the way I feel about my H. My H and I have had sex no more than a couple of times in the last 2 yrs. I am not physically attracted to him in any way and we live pretty much as angry room-mates. My biggest source of anger towards him are his lack of contributing to our life financially (he's a musician and will not go get another job to contribute to his family) and his procrastination over everything. 

I think at least part of my lack of attraction to him is because I am so angry about the issues in our marriage. I am an emotional being and I need an emotional connection to have sex. The other reasons are because he's physically not appealing to me anymore. He has put on a lot of weight over a number of years and will not workout or eat healthy. He is messy and not that hygienic in my opinion, which also turn me off. Now don't get me wrong, we when met we were both overweight, but we both also went to the gym and tried to eat healthy. I kept it up and lost a lot of weight (even after 2 kids) and he gave it up completely about 5 years ago. I've tried to be encouraging and we've talked about it many times, but I also am sensitive in what I say because I know he doesn't feel the best about it.

The MC has suggested that we have sex even though I've told her - and my H knows too - that I am not attracted to him like that. She has told us to kiss everyday (something we don't do) and to do something for the other person everyday to show them we love them. How do I do that when I don't feel passionate love for him? I care for him, but again, I think the anger is strangling everything else.

I don't know if I should stick with this MC or try to find another one because I don't think she's hearing what I am telling her. Do you think MC will help you to fix the issues or do you think it's more to show you if the issues really can't be fixed at all?

So lost..so sad..so ready for this situation to change....


----------



## EleGirl

Your MC is right with the things she is suggesting. However she is missing the core issues. 

Your husband is not meeting your basic needs. Until he starts doing that you will not feel the emotional connection you need to feel passion for him.

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” are ones that would help you in the issues you have with your husband if he will work on these things with you.

I get the impression that his lack of financial support is the first and biggest issue with you. You have every right to feel this way. I doubt you would be attracted to him right now even if he was buff and in shape. He does not support and take care of his family. That’s a huge turn off to most women.

If you divorce him is he going to have to get a job to support himself?

I am a woman who earns a very good income. My husband has not earned enough to really contribute to our household for 10 years. He also will not really help around the house. He’s in pretty good shape physically. I got to the point where I could not stand to be around him. 

His looks meant nothing to me. It’s his inner character that mattered. I divorced him last month.

I think that you are in the same place I was.


----------



## that_girl

I don't believe in MC. I believe in individual therapy in order to be the best you.

My therapist never gave advise. Never told me what to do.

Is that common in MC? Just like, techniques to cope and stuff? My therapist did that.


----------



## 9966

EleGirl..
Your statements are very true. While I respect the creativity that goes into his being a musician, I hate that the income is not steady and stable. I make a good living and it is because of my income that we own a house, car, and have any kind of savings. There were money issues before we got married - we lived together for about a year and half before marrying - but I guess I was in denial to myself that this would improve. He has a daughter from a previous relationship (she's 18 now) and he has always paid child support. I guess in my mind I thought once we bought a house, he would find a way to contribute more. Then I thought once we had kids, he would find a way. He never did. 

I left a job I was at for nearly 8 years to go to another one that paid more. I was there for 5 months and it was the worst decision of my life. I was literally crying and going crazy because I was on-call 24 hrs a day, working from morning until night, and dealing with some nasty superiors. I begged him to get a job so I could quit......but he didn't. I pleaded and told him how unhappy I was and how unfair it was to put all the financial stress on me....he did nothing. Luckily, my old company took me back and now I'm very happy in my new position at my old company. I'm still supporting the family.

He does pay for some expenses like groceries or if we eat out and gas, etc., but he's never paid the mortgage, car payments, or insurance. He's rarely paid the utilities. He has a lot of credit card debit (all his before we got married. I didn't have any) and between his child support and his credit cards, there is nothing left for our life.

This is for sure a 'deal killer' for me and he is aware of this. I explained to the MC that I suggested 2 yrs ago for him to go back to school to get a degree in something that would make him more marketable to corporate world. He didn't do it. So MC says suggested he does that now. So far nothing has really come of this. I do not see any change in this in the near future and I can't live like this indefinitely. I see it as a slap in the face that he won't work towards change in this regard. MC doesn't seem to understand that this is a make or break issue for me.

Thanks for your response. I will definitely check out those books. I'm willing to try anything.


----------



## 9966

that_girl.....
Thanks for your suggestion. I've been to IC before and I found it very helpful. I hadn't considered that here in this situation, but now that I think about it, it may be a good idea. I just feel very confused and unsure of my feelings towards him. I don't want to make a mistake. I have 2 little kids with him. I want to make it work if I can and I will try anything.

The MC we're seeing now gives us suggestions and advice, but about 50% of the time I find it unrealistic or like we're not being heard. We've seen a different MC before (about 3 yrs ago), but we gave up going as we crazily thought that things were getting better between us and we no longer needed to go. We liked that MC although we only saw her a few times, but she no longer practices. 

Perhaps I should look at IC and also at finding a different MC. 

Thanks for your response and help...


----------



## accept

You have set out what you want from your H and you wont be satisfied with anything less. Youre not getting it and I would advise you to make a time line. After that youre out. If for some reason you cant carry out your threat and have to stay together then you have to try something else.


----------



## nice777guy

After a year of MC, and an eventual divorce, I'm not sure how much faith I have in the process.


----------



## Oksana

It sounds like your MC is trying to "reignite the spark" between the two of you, but I can see exactly why you feel like you aren't being listened too. 

Roses, chocolate, kisses and hugs aren't going to change the fact that you are in a marriage with someone who you feel doesn't make an effort in your relationship in many facets; he doesn't look after his health or hygiene to make himself physically appealing, he insists on his musician career instead of getting a job to contribute to the household in the way that you have. 

Quite frankly, he is pretty self-absorbed. He seems to think about what makes him comfortable and happy and not a hill of beans about you. That doesn't mean he might not love you in his own way, but clearly he comes first and all other needs are secondary. Until and unless he can make an active decision to think about your feelings and your needs and what is best for you both as a team, I don't see how you're ever going to feel satisfied in this marriage. You'll likely always feel slighted and why shouldn't you? That doesn't mean all hope is lost because he could still make the decision to quit being so "me, me, me it's all about me!" but there has to be an understanding that its required of him in order for you to be happy.


That being said, it didn't get to this point magically. You have mentioned that a lot of things are the way they were when you got married but you thought they would change. In a second post you mention "When this happened I thought he would do this". How many conversations did you have about him actually doing the things you thought he would? Have you always set the clear expectation and he simply refused to comply or was there a lot of one sided thinking going on in your own head where you had expectations in your mind you thought he would fill but just never did?


----------



## 9966

accept...
I fear you are correct. I have been very open in communicating my needs. I don't really want to give an ultimatum - as I feel nothing positive can come from this - but I feel I'm running out of options.

Thanks for your response...


----------



## 9966

Oksana...
Your response was eerie in that it's what I have been telling my H for the past 2-3 years. I have clearly communicated all of my needs and needs for change with him. I don't feel anything is accomplished by not being open with him. He knows it's a 'deal killer' and yet has done nothing to change the situation. All he does is try to get more gigs, but he won't allow himself to understand that he's been living outside his means for years (before we got together) hence his credit card debit. We lived together before we got married and he went through a rough financial period. At the time I thought it was just a rough spell, but I came to realize that's how it always was. He certainly did nothing to make sure I was aware of that.

The financial situation has been at the forefront of our issues for a number of years now. This is our second time in MC and the first time we went - about 3 years ago - the same issues were tabled.

Thank you for your response. It's really made me think.


----------



## 9966

nice777guy..

Sorry to hear that. I can certainly see why it doesn't work out.


----------



## nice777guy

9966 said:


> nice777guy..
> 
> Sorry to hear that. I can certainly see why it doesn't work out.


Thanks.

You might follow her advice - see where it leads. Maybe she's onto something that the rest of us aren't seeing. Maybe she's the world's greatest marriage therapist!!!


----------

