# New Member



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

New here. After months of discussions, my husband and I have decided to split

We were best friends and truly enjoyed a very comfortable life. We did almost everything together. However, I’ve come to realize that I need more than that. Being comfortable and having a roommate is not enough at 36.

Most of our friends are mutual and it being my decision will likely mean they will side with him. It’s a lonely spot to me in at the moment. 

Looking for any thoughts from those that have possibly dealt with this.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What more were you looking for that he wasn't providing?

What led you to feel like a roommate?

What brought you two together initially?

Kids?

First/second marriage for either of you?

Details will help to better advise you. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

What he wasn’t providing: passion, fun, excitement 

As far as feeling like a roommate- we started sleeping in separate bedrooms about 3 years ago. It started because he wasn’t sleeping well, but ended up staying that way to date.

Initially, we just got along well. We still do (until today). We have very similar personalities and make each other laugh.

No kids together. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage that are both out of the house.

My first marriage, his second. He is 15 years older than I am.

Another aspect of this is that while I’ve never really thought that I wanted a kid, I’ve started feeling like I am missing something. He is not willing and says he will be unhappy; so we’ve made the decision to split.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@lifeistooshort 

I pinged her because she also exited a marriage with a much older man in recent years. 

Now, on to the passion... I hope you find what you are looking for. The modern dating market is a bit of a jungle. 

Look, when I tell you this, I am neither passing judgement on you, nor condemning your choice to leave. I am also not saying your marriage was stellar by any stretch. 

That said, the modern epidemic of late thirties women chasing feels is almost a caricature nowadays. I would be curious, from a purely academic standpoint, if it works for you. Please hang around and update us on how it goes. 

Lastly, you are going to receive some shade from men on this site who have been left by a WAW (walk away wife). Prepare yourself for it. Take what you need, and leave the rest.

Welcome to TAM 



Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

I get it. I will say that I’ve felt this way for awhile. I didn’t simply walk away; We’ve had discussions along the way. 

I’m not sure I’ll find someone that loves me the way that he does, but I think I have to try.

Thanks for the heads up.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SpartanSpins said:


> I get it. I will say that I’ve felt this way for awhile. I didn’t simply walk away; We’ve had discussions along the way.
> 
> I’m not sure I’ll find someone that loves me the way that he does, but I think I have to try.
> 
> Thanks for the heads up.


It’s always a sad day when marriages end, but it sounds like you’re doing things the right way. Meaning that you know what you need, and hubby isn’t providing it.

I’m curious whether or not you tried marriage counseling and how that experience was?

In your months of talking do you think he understands you? Does he get where things are failing and why? Or is the message falling on deaf ears?

Welcome to TAM!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Thanks for pinging me far.

OP, you're better off getting out. Fifteen years is a lot and if you're not getting what you need at 36 it's not going to get better.

My ex was 19 years older....we got married at 37 and 56. You're at different places in life and unless you have a super good life together you won't be happy as he keeps getting older and you're still young.

At least I had kids before I married him. This guy has kids and married a younger woman with no kids while refusing to have more.....a perfect example of your different points in life. If children is what you want definitely get out now and pursue that with a man who is willing.

There are other issues that tend to accompany big age differences, like older partner never views younger partner as an equal.

Dumping my ex was a good decision and I'm a lot happier now with a guy closer to my age and on the same wavelength lifestyle wise. Find a guy who wants what you want, is less then 10 years older, and sleeps in the same damn bed as you.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It’s always a sad day when marriages end, but it sounds like you’re doing things the right way. Meaning that you know what you need, and hubby isn’t providing it.
> 
> I’m curious whether or not you tried marriage counseling and how that experience was?
> 
> ...


Marriage counseling is a waste of time here. He's 51 with 2 grown kids and doesn't want more, while she's 36 and tried to tell herself that was ok even though it's not.

It's a mistake for her to forego children because her much older hb, who has the pleasure of kids, doesn't want more. She needs to move on to a man who wants children and to actually sleep in the same bed with her while she's still got some youth left.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

How long have the two of you been married?

Divorce is so tough and hate to hear that this is where you are. Glad you found TAM.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Marriage counseling is a waste of time here. He's 51 with 2 grown kids and doesn't want more, while she's 36 and tried to tell herself that was ok even though it's not.
> 
> It's a mistake for her to forego children because her much older hb, who has the pleasure of kids, doesn't want more. She needs to move on to a man who wants children and to actually sleep in the same bed with her while she's still got some youth left.


I’m not suggesting anything around counseling, I’m asking if she did and how that experience was.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No children and he doesn’t want any more at his age (understandably) — I think you made a good decision to part. You’re just no longer compatible and IMO the age difference plays into that. It doesn’t always play into it for everyone with a huge age difference but it certainly can be significant. When I was young I never dated guys more than five years older than I was and I preferred less than that. And now that I’m divorced after a very long marriage that’s still true when I date these days. I really prefer my age group. Not true for everyone but for me it works out best. Keep that in mind when you start dating again.


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It’s always a sad day when marriages end, but it sounds like you’re doing things the right way. Meaning that you know what you need, and hubby isn’t providing it.
> 
> I’m curious whether or not you tried marriage counseling and how that experience was?
> 
> ...


Thank you for the support!
We did not try marriage counseling because talking has never really been the issue. We communicate well for the most part and I will say that we tried. He really put in an effort but that doesn’t change the fact that we are in two very different places. 

He even offered to stay if we adopted a kid, but that I needed to understand that he wouldn’t be a Dad to this kid like he was to his; he is not interested in doing that at this point, that it’s too much of a commitment.

I’ve been in counseling myself for the last 6 weeks to try to sort myself out mentally and guide better decision making. Unfortunately, I knew the right answer; it’s just not the easy or comfortable one.


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> No children and he doesn’t want any more at his age (understandably) — I think you made a good decision to part. You’re just no longer compatible and IMO the age difference plays into that. It doesn’t always play into it for everyone with a huge age difference but it certainly can be significant. When I was young I never dated guys more than five years older than I was and I preferred less than that. And now that I’m divorced after a very long marriage that’s still true when I date these days. I really prefer my age group. Not true for everyone but for me it works out best. Keep that in mind when you start dating again.


Unfortunately, guys that are older are kind of my vibe. Lol Maybe that will change now that I’m older though.


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

sideways said:


> How long have the two of you been married?
> 
> Divorce is so tough and hate to hear that this is where you are. Glad you found TAM.


We have been together for 12 years, married for 8.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SpartanSpins said:


> Thank you for the support!
> We did not try marriage counseling because talking has never really been the issue. We communicate well for the most part and I will say that we tried. He really put in an effort but that doesn’t change the fact that we are in two very different places.
> 
> He even offered to stay if we adopted a kid, but that I needed to understand that he wouldn’t be a Dad to this kid like he was to his; he is not interested in doing that at this point, that it’s too much of a commitment.
> ...


It’s not often that someone comes to TAM having taken the appropriate steps to try to repair their marriage, but, having realized it will go nowhere, are now taking steps to end it. More often it’s one desperate spouse trying to figure out what is happening to them and their marriage.

Anyway, to your original question about support…

If you are like others, this will be harder than you think. You will feel loss, pain, and question if you’re doing the right thing. Treat this period like you would grief, like losing someone. Cling to those around you that love you and let them help. Pamper yourself more than normal and stay as busy as you can with other activities, volunteer, join a book club, whatever you enjoy.

I wish you the best @SpartanSpins


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

Those conversations sounds way more interesting though 😂

Thank you. I definitely get the grief part. I’ve been intermittently crying all day. We had the conversation this morning and he is not speaking to me and staying upstairs, so I’ll have to find a place to move to soon.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SpartanSpins said:


> I get it. I will say that I’ve felt this way for awhile. I didn’t simply walk away; We’ve had discussions along the way.
> 
> I’m not sure I’ll find someone that loves me the way that he does, but I think I have to try.
> 
> Thanks for the heads up.


Questions:

How did you pick your Avatar name?
A sports team?

You say that you will not likely find someone who loves you the way he does.
That, sounds like he loves you a lot....and shows it. 
Outside the bedroom, of course.

He is around 51, that is not too old, but he obviously is not what you need.
Does he suffer from low testosterone, is he overweight, diabetic, lethargic, depressed? 
Enough adjectives!

Have a child with a good man.
You will not regret it.


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

I’m a proud Michigan State alum. Go Green.

He does love me a lot. He is genuinely a great person.

He is a bit overweight, just nothing crazy. He takes medications for HBP and depression that affect his ability to get and/or stay… you get the point.

For me, that’s pretty deflating to be honest. I’m in good shape, I run and use my peloton 5 days a week, ran a triathlon this year, etc. That’s not to say that looks are everything, but I want someone to want me and show it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SpartanSpins said:


> Unfortunately, guys that are older are kind of my vibe. Lol Maybe that will change now that I’m older though.


You're still young and active. Many men 15 years older are not that active (obviously some are) so the two of you are in very different stages of life. Can you, in a reasonable period of time, find another 51 year old man who’s as active as you are and wants a baby? Maybe but my guess is that finding an active 41 year old man who wants a baby would be a lot easier.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Sad to see people divorce because they aren’t happy. Vows are meaningless I guess.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SpartanSpins said:


> Unfortunately, guys that are older are kind of my vibe. Lol Maybe that will change now that I’m older though.


Shrink the age difference. I went from 19 to 8 1/2 years....still older but a world of difference.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SCDad01 said:


> Sad to see people divorce because they aren’t happy. Vows are meaningless I guess.


So she should just suck it up with a 15 years older dude who doesn't even sleep with her and give up having children?

Would you advise a guy with a woman who didn't sleep with him and didn't want to have children when he did to suck it up because.....vows?


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> So she should just suck it up with a 15 years older dude who doesn't even sleep with her and give up having children?
> 
> Would you advise a guy with a woman who didn't sleep with him and didn't want to have children when he did to suck it up because.....vows?


I have a Biblical worldview.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SCDad01 said:


> I have a Biblical worldview.


In that case he shouldn't have gotten divorced and married her....that's not biblically samctioned. This is his second marriage but only her first.

And sleeping separately and denying her children isn't holding up his end either if we're going to pull the Bible into this.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> In that case he shouldn't have gotten divorced and married her....that's not biblically samctioned. This is his second marriage but only her first.


The Bible allows for divorce in a few situations. I don’t know the circumstances of his first divorce.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You got together with a man 15 years older than you when you were very young. What do you expect? And now he is even older, is overweight, has high BP, is depressed, takes pills and can't have sex. What did do to him? Jokes apart... if this is the picture, I can't blame you.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

SMFH....


----------



## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

Spartan,

Being a much older man, mid 60s, I agree with lifeistooshort needing more at your age. Life is too short not to enjoy it and obtain the goals needed to have a full meaningful life. Sorry for the name jacking super moderator, lol! As other posters stated, at least you are taking a proper approach instead to ending your marriage.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Were kids discussed before you got married?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SCDad01 said:


> I have a Biblical worldview.


The Bible allows for mistakes and forgiveness.


----------



## SpartanSpins (2 mo ago)

Update: husband is willing to have a kid.
There are obviously some outstanding issues, but we’ve decided to give it until the end of the year to make any decisions.

Not sure how to feel about it and trying to figure out if this is truly what I want. I am concerned he still won’t be happy and that I’ll end up getting divorced anyway, only with more complications. Sigh.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SpartanSpins said:


> Update: husband is willing to have a kid.
> There are obviously some outstanding issues, but we’ve decided to give it until the end of the year to make any decisions.
> 
> Not sure how to feel about it and trying to figure out if this is truly what I want. I am concerned he still won’t be happy and that I’ll end up getting divorced anyway, only with more complications. Sigh.


Yeah...I’d think long and hard about that. You bring children into health happy environments, not ones that are struggling. Don't do that you yourself, or your child.

If you really think you can stay with hubby and be happy, then I encourage you to do that but give it some time before adding a child. Make sure it sticks.

If you aren't sure... then don't.

Putting it another way: using kids to fix a relationship _never_ works. And then it's too late, everything is harder in terms of divorce, co-parenting, support, etc.


----------

