# am I a fuddy duddy?



## tractor55 (Nov 25, 2012)

I grew up with parents who were not very sociable and seldom drank or went out. My wife's parents and grandparents were very much opposite of that, they went out to bars or clubs nearly every weekend all while she was growing up. I work usually 50 hours a week, when I'm home on the weekends I want to spend as much time as possible with her and the kids. The last thing that I want to do is go out and stay up late drinking and then sleep late the next day while the kids are at my parents. I feel like I've wasted time to be with my young children. She would like to go out at least once a month if I'd give in more. I feel like one a year is too much. The times I do give in I usually end up mad that she's not ready to leave by the agreed upon time. I've even went to the car and slept there while waiting on her. I've started lately staying home with kids while she goes out. I hate this even more. I worry about her to the point I almost get physically ill. Both her grandparents and parents have struggled through infidelity issues. I worry as our kids get older this issue between us is going to worsen. I just feel that going out to a bar or club is an invitation for trouble that we don't need in our lives. Am I being unreasonable by NEVER wanting to go? What is a fair compromise?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

YES, you are being unreasonable by REFUSING to compromise with your wife.

If she wants once a month, and you want NEVER, then I think once every 2-3 months would be fair. She needs to compromise as well, the agreed-upon time to go home IS THE AGREED-UPON TIME TO GO HOME. Tell her she *WILL* be ready to go home ON TIME the next time you go out, or YOU will be skipping the next outing; you should REFUSE to do ALL of the compromising...cuz that ain't compromising.

Don't project her parents' or grandparents' infidelity issues on her. That being said, letting her go alone is NOT A SMART IDEA; end *THAT* NOW.

When you DO go out with her, don't be a pill. Don't spoil her fun by complaining, being grumpy, nasty, refusing to even TRY to have fun, acting like a martyr, etc. Go, have fun, do things you two USED to do when you dated. Tell her you're willing to compromise WITH HER because you LOVE HER.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree you are being unreasonable. Look being married means sometimes doing things you don't necessarily like out of love for the other person. The key is to compromise but to outright say never is a recipe for disaster.

I think your biggest issue seems to be the time you leave. On that I agree with Slowly. 

Overall I think if your wife feels you are trying to work with you she'll be more agreeable to coming home at a REASONABLE time. And btw make sure it's reasonable to both of you not just you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I am with the unreasonable club.

Once every other month for 3-4 hours comes to what, 24 hours a year to keep your wife happy?


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## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

i personally hate the word 'compromise'! it means resentment in the end. a person will choose to be with you if they want to and by restricting their wants and needs will only add to the demise of the relationship. what you have to ask yourself is if you trust this person and if the answer is yes then let him or her make choices that make them happy. if you are not part of the equation, no amount of compromise is going to change that, only prolong the inevitable. find common ground in doing things you both enjoy. perhaps its just the monotony of life that is leading your wife to seek fun on the weekends. but it doesnt have to mean going to the bars, that might be all she knows, after all it is a learned behaviour from her parents as you have suggested. why not plan fun events for the weekend that you both enjoy that dont involve nightclubs. i just think compromise is a cop out for laziness and ends up building resentment.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You know there *ARE* other things you two can do besides drinking and going to clubs! Work some of the following into your schedule so it's NOT always boozing. If YOU do some of the planning, you can insure that you do any of the following (or something similar that you like to do):


dancing
going to movies
star-gazing
dinner at a nice restaurant
window-shopping
evening sporting event
live music
bookstore
miniature golf
bowling
nighttime horseback riding
nighttime skiing
jazz club
evening boat ride
That's what I can think of off the top of my head.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You know there *ARE* other things you two can do besides drinking and going to clubs! Work some of the following into your schedule so it's NOT always boozing. If YOU do some of the planning, you can insure that you do any of the following (or something similar that you like to do):
> 
> 
> dancing
> ...


:iagree:
This is a great list. I would add:

-concerts
-theater/plays
-cooking class
-dance lessons
-art class
-exercising/running/working out
-carnival/theme park
-drive-in movie
-ice skating
-dinner cruise
-comedy club

The original poster and his wife don't have to drink to have fun. There are so many things you could do to connect as a couple without having to go to nightclubs or bars. Just Google "free date night ideas".

I'm not a big drinker, but I still find ways to have fun with my husband. My days of going to clubs are over. That happened when I was in university. These days I do some of the things mentioned above.


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## MaryG (Nov 25, 2012)

I don't think you're being a fuddy-duddy. I know exactly how you feel. I just came across this website, and as I sit here writing on a marriage forum, my husband is out, yet again, on an outing while I sit home alone. Here's my story....

Some background info to clarify: We are both 40, no kids, been married for 12 years, living in Europe (he was born here, I was born in the US, have been living here for 15+ years now)... 

Lately he has been very active in hiking/cycling groups and I am not. OK fine, no problem - I don't think couples should be joined at the hip and do everything together. Of course each of us can have our own hobbies/interests. 

The hiking/cycling however, has spilled over into his social life. He seems obsessed with these new people. The new 'friends' he has made through these activites often invite him out to social gatherings. Sometimes the events are at someone's house or out at bars/cafes. I am always invited along too. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't. THe goes out with them socially at least 2-3 times a week, and every weekend for the last month or so, Sat he goes cycling and Sun hiking. These are pretty much all day events. So basically I hardley see him anymore. 

The group seems nice enough, some people I like, some others not so much. Like I said, we are 40 - and most of the people in this group are in their 20's, only a few are 30-somethings. We seem to be the oldest ones in the group. But their shared interest in cycling/hiking seems to keep them all connected, despite age differences. They seem to be a fun group... and lately I've really been trying to hang out with them more, etc but I don't share their interest in cycling/hiking and frankly, I am 40 yrs old and after polite conversation, I just don't have much to say to 20-somethings...

Last night we went out to a bar with this group. I don't know them very well, but was excited to go out, have a drink, hear some music. I went out with the best of intentions and came home livid. There were about 10 ppl in the group, again all in their mid-late 20's.... We gave one of the girls a ride to the place, picked her up at her house, which is near ours. She was running late, and we waited outside in the car for 30 min until she came down. So we go to the place, and ok, you have a drink, bop around to the music and since I don't have much to say to these people, I get bored after an hour or so and at this point it's like almost 1am and I tell my husband we should get going soon. I know he doesn't want to leave yet and I even suggest that he can stay, and I'll go home in a cab. I'm trying to be nice and reasonable. Then I realize he doesn't want to leave yet because he thinks that it's only 'right' or polite for us to also give the same girl a ride home. I know this group is gonna stay until after 3am and I have no intention of staying that long. So I tell my husband, 'we're not staying here until the end, just so we can give her a ride home'... We end up leaving at 2:30am, only after I said "we should really get going now" about 3 times. He kept saying 'yeah yeah ok' and finally when I said sternly "Ok I'm leaving in 5 minutes" we eventually left, only after he apologized to the girl for not being able to give her a lift home - and she said (rather sour-puss face) "oh I guess I'll just take a cab"... 

We were home at 3am and at 6am my husband woke up to get ready for today's hiking trip. He will be gone all day... OH and tomorrow I'm going in for minor surgery. 

Now please people, if you are still with me (sorry for the long post/rant) you tell me, am I wrong for being pissed off? Am I a fuddy-duddy?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by nothingleft:
> i personally hate the word 'compromise'! it means resentment in the end. i just think compromise is a cop out for laziness and ends up building resentment.


I TOTALLY disagree with this concept of 'compromise'. The reality is people compromise EVERY DAY.

How do you and your spouse choose 

the house you're going to buy? 
the new vehicle you're going to purchase? 
the vacation destination?
Mature people COMPROMISE. Maybe the house you purchase is the 2nd favorite of one of you and the 3rd favorite of the other person. You can't just say, "Okay, *I'm* buying this one and you can move in with me or not, whatever makes you happy." Maybe you switch off WHO gets to choose the vacation spot each year. That is compromise.

What YOU'RE describing is GIVING IN (and not gracefully) to keep the peace. Choosing the path of least resistance to avoid fights, then seething about it silently. THAT is passive/aggressive behavior and is NOT healthy, nor is it compromising.

I agree that if you don't trust your spouse, you don't have anything. That being said, if you let your spouse do whatever makes him/her happy WITHOUT trying to compromise, then you will NEVER try new things that you might like, you will limit the memories and events you share together, you will not be building a FUTURE TOGETHER ...you will just be building a future (each his/her own). You will not be any STRONGER or MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE about your partner or have a BETTER UNDERSTANDING of your partner than you did the day you said 'I do'. THIS is what causes marriages to fall apart; the spouses build their own NEW life...and it doesn't include the other.

Tractor55, I'm sure you get the point of compromise!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

MaryG:

You have a right to dislike this situation; I would if I were you. However, YOU do contribute to this situation and until you change YOUR behavior, you will NOT get a different outcome.

I think YOUR situation is one that a lot of people would be willing to give you their input on; maybe brainstorm some solutions or possible options for you. You really need to start your OWN THREAD, otherwise you are hi-jacking Tractor55's thread and it confuses people as to whether advice being given is directed at Tractor or Mary. I realize this is your first post so WELCOME to TAM!

We REALLY DO want to give you advice OR just listen to you vent; your choice! If you want your OWN thread, just go to the "General Relationship" page and click on the blue "New Thread" button on the left near the top, 2 lines up from the dark rose colored ribbon that says "Thread/Thread Starter". I look forward to seeing your post as I know a LOT of people here have had the same situation in their marriages!


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

The other posters pretty much hit the nail on the head, especially the list that includes things other than going to bars and clubs. I think that would be a good compromise, and you would probably have more fun staying out if You found places that you would enjoy too. 

I know when I used to hang out with my girlfriends, I used to harp on leaving at a certain time, and it really meant that I was just not having fun. I was the Debby Downer of the group because I stopped hanging out in bars and clubs before they did. Now we just do other things and I stay back when they go to bars and clubs.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I also want to add that while it's important to spend time with your kids, it's also important to spend adult time with your wife. Don't feel guilty if you go out with her once a month.


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## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

i disagree with your assesment of compromise. is giving in not the same thing? to compromise means we give up something of quality to ourselves to please another person, does it not? i know we are disputing semantics here but essentially it is the same thing. there is generally one person with more power in the relationship and if we agree that compromise is a personally good thing to do, then the person with less power will always be left holding the short stick! hold true to what makes you happy! i am not saying be completely selfish but small details as to which house has a better bathroom is not what we are talking about here. what is being discussed is one persons needs versus anothers, if the two do not match then perhaps they need to have a long hard look at their relationship and see if it works. opposites do not attract, they repel! if you want to be happy marry someone as similar to you as possible...that is why we date, get to know someone and then decide if that is someone you can spend the rest of your life with. but yeah, go ahead an marry someone who you have little in common with and compromise for the rest of your life...see you in the divorce forums.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Either go out with her or someone else will.

You have a point that weekends shouldn't be spent nursing a hang over, but once every couple of months won't hurt.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Still don't agree that 'compromise' is the same thing as 'giving in'.

Don't agree that one person ALWAYS holds more power in a relationship.

Don't agree that, therefore, the 'weaker' partner ALWAYS gets screwed over.

Not sure if I agree that you should marry someone as 'like' to yourself as possible; sounds kind of dull. But, perhaps it is best. Opposites DO attract, but they're not always a good match over the long haul. However 2 people who are extremely similar could be a VERY BORING marriage (if they''re both quiet types) or very stressful (if they're both competitive types).


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

nothingleft said:


> i disagree with your assesment of compromise. is giving in not the same thing? to compromise means we give up something of quality to ourselves to please another person, does it not? i know we are disputing semantics here but essentially it is the same thing. there is generally one person with more power in the relationship and if we agree that compromise is a personally good thing to do, then the person with less power will always be left holding the short stick! hold true to what makes you happy! i am not saying be completely selfish but small details as to which house has a better bathroom is not what we are talking about here. what is being discussed is one persons needs versus anothers, if the two do not match then perhaps they need to have a long hard look at their relationship and see if it works. opposites do not attract, they repel! if you want to be happy marry someone as similar to you as possible...that is why we date, get to know someone and then decide if that is someone you can spend the rest of your life with. but yeah, go ahead an marry someone who you have little in common with and compromise for the rest of your life...see you in the divorce forums.



The definition of compromise doesn't mean giving up something of quality to ourselves. That's an insecure/selfish statement and technically an incorrect definition. It means accepting less then what you orginally wanted. Not all needs are healthy or "of quality". Needs can be born of unhealthy pathologies. Just because you think you need something or it makes you happy at the time doesn't mean its good for you in the long term. No matter how similar your partner is at the start of a relationshp someone will develop a new need sooner or later. Needs change when people mature and they rarely change in sync with their spouses. People go through life phases and need our understanding within reasonable limits.

Based on your defintion you would not compromise to make a long term spouse happy if they changed their career path, needed a different approach in the home or developed a new time consuming hobby that you did not enjoy. That my friend is not love or marriage.


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