# Please help me



## TeaandBiscuitsinBed (Jul 20, 2020)

I’m so hoping someone can help me. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for almost 6. He has a 16 year old step daughter that I helped raise and who I love dearly. We also have an 1 year old baby boy.

We have been through so much over the years. We struggled and saved. Through the **** times and the great times. Finally we ended up in an incredible house, with great jobs each, a beautiful baby, we have lovely holidays, are financially secure. We have a very fortunate life. And I felt like we were a real team. When the chips were down we were there for each other.

3 weeks ago I discovered by pure coincidence that my husband and joined a dating site. I had his phone to try and order a bookcase for our little boy. I kicked him out the house in a calm way and he left for a week. He swore to me that it was a pop up website when he had been playing a game online one night and that he signed up just messing about out of curiosity. He showed me he had never messaged anyone and swore on our sons life that he had never, and would never, message anyone. It broke my heart seeing my son cry when he left so I took him back.

I now know the truth. That for 7 months, when our son was barely walking, he has been joining sex meet up sites. Messaging around a dozen women over the 7 month period. Pretending to be someone else, another name, another job. On two occasions he made arrangements to meet up with women in a few days time for sex. He says he got as far as knocking on the door but bottled out both times and couldn’t go in.

apparently from the first time he went on this site to the time he was at this woman’s door was 10 days. 10 days after 15 years I just can’t believe it.

everyone I know, everyone we know is aghast. They simply cannot believe it’s true it’s so far from the devoted family man they know. The shock that I feel is indescribable. I never, ever ever thought it he would do this. We were so solid.

Ive said to him he must have been so unhappy and he said no, he wasn’t. He can’t offer any explanation other than it was exciting and he wanted attention.

he said he went from never having looked at another woman and being happily married to knocking on her door in 10 days.

from there he said he didn’t meet anyone else but would text and flirt and when it came to meeting, delete the messages and block the number and then do it again

my heart is broken. My dreams for my life, for my sons life are shattered. He was meant to have the best life. He would text these women when my son and I were asleep upstairs and then sit and cuddle us in the morning having tea and biscuits in bed watching finding Nemo.

I cannot comprehend this. I can’t cope. I am a professional together practical person normally but I am falling apart.

what do I do?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@TeaandBiscuitsinBed , so so sorry for what you are going through. He is lying to you, it went further than he is telling you and he has had sex with some of these women, believe it! he trickle truth all about the dating site initially, now he is trickle truthing about the sex. Look up trickle truth and gas lighting. You only know about the tip of the infidelity iceberg.

1. I know your heart is breaking, get yourself some counselling to be able to cope with the truama so you can decide how to move forward
2. Ask him for a timeline for everything
3. Are there any OBS involved, they must be informed
4. Ensure all your friends and family know what is happening, it will help to keep him accountable
5. Go and see a lawyer as to what your options are if you plan to divorce him
6. He needs to seek therapy counselling for his ****ty behavior
7. Do not make any decisions with regard to your future right now till you get more balanced
8. Do you work? Do you have your own money?
9. Ask him to move out or move to another bedroom
10. How did his first marriage end? Maybe this wasn't the first time?

I am sure after the initial trauma has worn off and you get some counselling, you will be able to make the right decision for you and your son. Where is your WH now?


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## TeaandBiscuitsinBed (Jul 20, 2020)

I’m so sorry I don’t know many of the abbreviations!

I just can’t believe this is happening. The shock is the worst part. And having the truth drip fed is so hard. Initially he denied everything. Then he denied meeting up with anyone and swore and promised he didn’t. I begged and begged and pleaded for the truth and this is the latest.
In answer to your questions-

1. I am seeing a doctor today I need some help getting through this shock.

2. done the timeline but it’s sketchy. He says he can’t remember lots. Says it wasn’t continuous but it started 7 months ago. He thinks!

3. I don’t know what OBS are! Sorry!

4. I’ve told some people but feel that every time I do I have to absorb their shock and feelings and then coming to terms with the fact he want the man they thought as well. They keep asking questions and I have no answers.

5.I am a lawyer so am sorted there I suppose!

6. I have said he needs help but that it’s down to him to sort.

7. I feel like everything is now temporary. My home isn’t my home any more, I just want everything sorted I feel like I’m living in the middle of a lie.

8. I have a good job and could support myself and my son - we wouldn’t have the lifestyle we have now but we would be fine

9. he has moved out he left straight away at my request

10. it was a mutual separation but believe by the end both parties were already seeing other people and largely living separate lives

thanks so much for your support x


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

What do you want to happen T?


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## TeaandBiscuitsinBed (Jul 20, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> What do you want to happen T?


I don’t know. God I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do I can’t believe this is happened I just want it not to be real.

my little boy my poor poor baby boy


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Has he done something so bad you can't let him back out of? What if he took a poly on how far he went with any contacts?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TeaandBiscuitsinBed said:


> He can’t offer any explanation other than it was exciting and he wanted attention.


There is no other explanation for any cheating, nor for any other cheater. They are simply self-absorbed, sin-enticed, people who lack the moral fiber to say no to themselves.

He likely has a history of this in his first marriage, and likely even in yours. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true for every person who cheated, but it is true for MOST of them. Some cheat in a period of weakness, but recognize their error, own it, repent of it, and go forward not a cheater. Not the majority.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Has he done something so bad you can't let him back out of? What if he took a poly on how far he went with any contacts?


Hi T ... really sorry your here 😕
Vlad said poly which is polygraph

Be aware that cheaters always lie and your husband is following the typical script and that trickle truth stuff is what affairs are made of.

Good advice: Expect more lies.

Most Importantly: If you had not caught him then it would still be going on. So much for betting on his child’s life.


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## TeaandBiscuitsinBed (Jul 20, 2020)

i just wanted to update you all.
Your strength has given me strength and I went back to him and pushed and pushed and pushed. I told him to take me to her house, tell me the truth himself or I would take my son run away and never ever let him see him again. I’m ashamed to have brought my perfect baby boy into this but it was the only card I had left to play.

Then he told me. He has slept with someone. One person or a hundred what does it matter now - I don’t believe it was one person.

the level of manipulation and lies and the depths he went to to hide the truth is astonishing.

Not one element of his behaviour changed the day before he cheated on me and the day after. Not one single thing changed. There was no sign. No warning. Our friends are in shock. His best friend came round and said it’s like he’s got a split personality.

I feel sick to my stomach but know what I’ve got to do now. And I’ll do it for my baby.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get tested for STD’s ... no telling what he brought home to you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TeaandBiscuitsinBed said:


> I’m so sorry I don’t know many of the abbreviations!
> .....
> 3. I don’t know what OBS are! Sorry!


I've been here a long time and have no clue what "OBS" means. Perhaps it's "other betrayed spouse". 

Here is a link to our list of acronyms that are usually used on this site.









Common Message Board Abbreviations & Acronyms


Need to put together a list of common abbreviations for people new to online message boards.... here is a start: AAMOF = as a matter of fact AP = Affair Partner ASAP = as soon as possible ASAP = as soon as possible b/c = because BAK = back at keyboard BBFN = bye bye for now BBL = be back later...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

I'm so sorry you are here... It takes me back few years ago. I was at the same situation just with no kids. The "perfect husband" one day turned to a strange person to me. Lies, manipulation... I thought exactly like you. That there is no chance, never ever that my ex husband would cheat. But it happened. Without any signs or warning. He denied of course. But god knows how many other women he had. And honestly I don't think I want to know. I know your world was fell apart. I know you feel like all your life was one big lie. I know that you might even think that maybe it was something you did.. It's not! It the same cheaters pattern. I'm always amazed how similar they all are. You will have some really good support and advices here. Do things for yourself, get help, be with friends and family. Be with your son. He will never tell you the whole truth. They just don't know what truth is. What being honest is. The pain is unbearable but you are strong and you will get through this. Stay strong


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I've been here a long time and have no clue what "OBS" means. Perhaps it's "other betrayed spouse".
> 
> Here is a link to our list of acronyms that are usually used on this site.
> 
> ...





EleGirl said:


> I've been here a long time and have no clue what "OBS" means. Perhaps it's "other betrayed spouse".
> 
> Here is a link to our list of acronyms that are usually used on this site.
> 
> ...



yes, it means 'other betrayed spouses' as there may be some


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@TeaandBiscuitsinBed I knew you would be a fellow Brit. Well, what could be more British than tea and biscuits in bed? 

OK. This has come as a shock to you. And everyone else who knows him? Maybe, though there could be some who think: "I always thought there was something a bit 'off' about him."

To slightly paraphrase the poet, author and thinker Maya Angelou "When a person shows you who they really are, believe them."

Your husband is not who he wanted you and others to think he is.

You need tests for STDs as it's very likely he has had sex with other women.

You are a lawyer? That helps as you'll be able to tap into your network for the best divorce solicitor in your town.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You'll get good support here. So sorry your husband just couldn't be satisfied with his life. Some people are really good, productive people that have a dark side when it comes to sex. Most don't act on that dark side, or stop themselves, but it seems your husband gave in to it. 

I concur with others that you need to get tested for STDs. He may swear up and down that he used protection, but, well, we already know he is a terrific liar. I would tell him you are getting the STD test so he knows the gravity of this. 

I wish you luck - seek out support, please. Family, friends, therapy. Whatever you need, as this is a lot of trauma to endure.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

T&B, SO very sorry you are hear and that this has happened. Your H has now shown you who he REALLY is. You need to do what YOU need for yourself and your child.
HE needs to do the work to try to convince you to Reconcile -- NOT you (assuming you even WANT to do that -- you are in shock so don't make any decisions right this second, ok?)


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Among other things he needs to read and understand the hurt he caused you:

* How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful*
by Linda J. MacDonald (Author)

And

*Not Just Friends *by Dr Shirley Glass


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

There is nothing you did or didn't do that justifies his decision to behave inappropriately.

We all have personal issues (boredom, feeling unappreciated, enjoying attention, the list is endless) - but we don't cope by cheating. Your husband chose (among other options) to behave inappropriately (and in a way that makes you feel unsafe from infidelity).

Every spouse deserves to feel safe from infidelity. At a minimum, he failed. 

At this point, he needs to acknowledge that you have absolutely no reason to believe anything he says.
From this point on he's judged by his actions - and he better be doing back flips to rebuild your trust.

BTW- it will be years (if ever depending on his actions) before you trust him 100%.

Therefore, there is no basis for you to believe he didn't have sex with other women.

Insist that he take a polygraph test. Regardless of whether you will divorce if he fails (bluff if you have to), it's important that he believe you have a 100% faith in the test results. 

The prospect of a polygraph text discourages further minimizing, withholding information (e.g., I forgot), and outright lying. Inform him that further details may make it more difficult to reconcile - but further lies will guaranty a divorce.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sadly OP, you married a serial cheater.

Giving you some lame timeline isn't going to change anything.



> *He says he got as far as knocking on the door but bottled out both times and couldn’t go in. *


And if you believe *THAT* steaming load of bull****, then I have some oceanfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you. I'm assuming "bottled out" means "bolted out." Doesn't matter, it's a lie anyway.

As a lawyer, I'm sure you understand that when someone is in trouble, their FIRST JOB is damage control. Lying as much as they can to minimize the amount of damage they'll sustain. This isn't rocket science. He's just doing what pretty much all cheaters do - lying his ass off in order to avoid divorce court.

Serial cheaters are high risk. They *rarely* change. Of course you can throw him at all the therapists you want and they'll provide him with some ridiculous "excuse" for why he's a serial cheater. Expect to hear some story about "FOO issues" (family of origin) or some kind of tale of neglect or abuse, or some other childihood 'trauma' that supposedly caused him to cheat. Because no cheater will *ever* admit that they did it because they wanted the sexual variety and because it was exciting and because they COULD. He'll never, ever admit that to you.

He'll tell you anything you want to hear, make all kinds of sugary empty promises to you about never cheating again, proclaim his love for you from the rooftops, and then, when you're feeling secure, he'll likely just go right back to scratching that itch he's been scratching for a long time.

This isn't his first time cheating. It's just your first time *CATCHING* him.

You're a lawyer. You're smart. You know he's lying to you, I know he's lying to you, even my Pomeranian knows he's lying to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No, @She'sStillGotIt Bottled out is a term common in the UK and Ireland that means a sudden loss of courage.

I don't believe him, either.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I'm from the UK and we say 'chickened-out'


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

TeaandBiscuitsinBed said:


> He swore to me that it was a pop up website when he had been playing a game online one night and that he signed up just messing about out of curiosity. He showed me he had never messaged anyone and swore on our sons life that he had never, and would never, message anyone.


Lies. All lies. Which you have now confirmed. This is called gaslighting. You’ll learn more about spotting gaslighting as you go along. When someone gaslights you, that shows a real character deficit you have to confront in them. You‘re looking at him now and you know this is part of who he is. 

The thing about knocking on a skank’s door and losing his nerve? Another lie.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aine said:


> I'm from the UK and we say 'chickened-out'


Posh people like your good self say that. The rest of us plebs use bottled out! 🤣


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