# When to go back into dating?



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Any theories on the right time for a guy to start dating after a failed marriage?




[*]As soon as Divorce is a assured and R is out of the question?

[*]Wait for divorce?

[*]Sex months After Divorce or formal separation?

[*]Is it different for women?​


I would like to go on some social dates ASAP, but can't see getting serious until I am sure I am not on the rebound. Would hate to screw up something good because my head was not straight.

Any stories of early dating that went bad, or good?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Socializing is good and healthy but jumping into romance/sex early is almost always a bad choice.

There is no set timeline for this. Just give yourself plenty of time to heal and become solid with your emotions before flexing your heart again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Where are you at in the process right now, SE?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Any theories on the right time for a guy to start dating after a failed marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your Freudian slip is showing, SE.

If R is out of the question I would wait until D is filed and you are both in separate homes and communicating only via attorneys. If you are still fighting and bickering with your STBX it is still too soon IMO.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Where are you at in the process right now, SE?


Looks like Monday and I am ending any pretense of R and filing next week. Though I will say the process over the last 18 month has taken a lot of emotion, on my part, for that pending moment.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Your Freudian slip is showing, SE.
> 
> If R is out of the question I would wait until D is filed and you are both in separate homes and communicating only via attorneys. If you are still fighting and bickering with your STBX it is still too soon IMO.


LOL, not editing that is too good a mistake. I can be terrible with the typos.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I really feel that it's contingent upon the individual themselves. 

But the primary and most preeminent factor in re-entering the dating world lies moreso with one's very own emotional availability, with some people often taking much longer than others to finally reach that point!*


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Looks like Monday and I am ending any pretense of R and filing next week. Though I will say the process over the last 18 month has taken a lot of emotion, on my part, for that pending moment.


Are you separated and if so, for how long?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

The irony is that you probably won't know when you were ready until after the fact. You'll be in a relationship and for some reason it's lasting unlike the other attempts that seemed to fade out at some point even thought there wasn't anything wrong with the person you were with.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It depends on how you view dating.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Are you separated and if so, for how long?


Not separated. 

I don't mind answering the questions, and I am aware that it is too soon for me now, but I am starting to think when, which is why I made this post.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> * I really feel that it's contingent upon the individual themselves.
> 
> But the primary and most preeminent factor in re-entering the dating world lies moreso with one's very own emotional availability, with some people often taking much longer than others to finally reach that point!*


I hear that. I think I did most of healing on top of figuring out it is impossible which puts me on the road. But man, I have not dated for more than 20 years....


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Not separated.
> 
> I don't mind answering the questions, and I am aware that it is too soon for my now, or even "soon", but I starting to think when, which is why I made this post.


Um. Yeah. Be separated first. But it sounds like you get that already.

I have been pondering the same thing. 4 months into separation and I doubt I could trust anyone again to do more than have the occasional drink at the moment and so I haven't dated yet. 

Guess it really depends on where you are with your healing, and whether you are talking about casual dating vs attempting to meet someone for a serious, long term relationship. Also on whether you have kids, maybe?

I'm still picking up the pieces, so I feel like anyone I meet now will get a semi-broken person and that's just not fun to be around. I'm trying to work on making things stable for my son and starting a regular schedule so that involves a lot of being home with him every evening except when my STBX has him. As I am discovering, though, it is emotionally and physically exhausting, and whether you take time for a hobby or a date, social time with grown ups who don't eat their own boogers is important. :|


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> Um. Yeah. Be separated first. But it sounds like you get that already.
> 
> I have been pondering the same thing. 4 months into separation and I doubt I could trust anyone again to do more than have the occasional drink at the moment and so I haven't dated yet.
> 
> ...


I'd beter kick my booger habit straight away then...:smile2:


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I'd beter kick my booger habit straight away then...:smile2:


The first step is admitting you have a problem. Or you are a toddler.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just getting rescued from the sea of misery and you want to go swimming?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Just getting rescued from the sea of misery and you want to go swimming?


Try telling that to a fish.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Most women on TAM want to take time to "heal" after a bad marriage. Most men just want to be in a new relationship. Or more accurately, to get laid again as soon as possible. Or just be with someone so that he regains his feeling that he is desirable. Or ....????

I don't understand why men are like this. The only reasons I can come up with don't speak highly of men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Most women on TAM want to take time to "heal" after a bad marriage. Most men just want to be in a new relationship. Or more accurately, to get laid again as soon as possible. Or just be with someone so that he regains his feeling that he is desirable. Or ....????
> 
> I don't understand why men are like this. The only reasons I can come up with don't speak highly of men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I understand why men want to feel desirable after a failed relationship. I do too. We're all just trying to feel less sh;(Ty..

But I feel like women need to hold a certain level of trust in someone they sleep with, which isn't necessarily the case in men if they aren't looking for something serious? What do I know. If I knew anything about how men think, I wouldn't be where I am. 

I can't speak for all women, but I guess I want to be valued, not just desired. Perhaps my trust is a bit shattered, but I'm not at a place where I would be able to sleep with a man and trust him even to just not talk trash with his buddies the next day. And if I am still that messed up, feels like I have no business dating. Doesn't stop me from admiring from afar though :grin2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SE...generally speaking, you could start dating (casually) or get a FWB as soon as you are separated. What the real concern is IMO, is the other person. They need to really be able to date you or have sex with you without getting attached. It is fine to date or have sex but not if you're just going to fall into a new relationship....and it will surprise you how strong the urge to do that is even though right now you probably just want freedom and to heal. All that will change when a kind loving soul begins to care for you. You will fall like a raindrop, regardless of your strength.

If you can stay casual and unattached and date or have sex for a year or so after separation, you will then possibly be ready for something a little more serious.

But trust me when I say, the moment you feel the beautiful surge of kindness combined with loving attention, you will fall.

You just have to know it for what it is when it happens. It is unkind to the other person to make them go through your closure along with you, attached to you and maybe in love with you. It will be bad enough for you, but for them it will be even worse. The other person's heart is the biggest casualty of rebound relationships. Your heart will still be struggling to get over the long term abuse from your marriage and therefore, it is in a state of change and flux. The other person is typically more stable than you, they are able to help you, and they convince you and themselves that they can handle your drama. But it usually just breaks both of your hearts.

Be warned. This isn't about what is or isn't appropriate, it is about people's hearts potentially getting smashed.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Life::Wevorce <----Good article, here.

For me, it is about encountering that dark apparition called "loneliness". 









Personally, I have already considered putting off dating for some time...and even considered just staying single permanently. Given, I am only 40, but although I have some ok physical pluses...my STBX ruined us financially...as did my cancer (now remissed). I am good friend potential, just not good catch potential. Where's my violin...?

But I feel like I really hit a wall this week, with loneliness staring me in the face...not that I am not being social...hell, I have been running myself ragged with all of the social events, volunteer events, and fundraising. I went to two separate BBQs today and visited a friend. I am so happy to be free to do this...yet there is a chunk of space in my being that is hollow and I feel the harsh pang of being lonely.

I think, for me, the temptation is to find someone to fill that void...but I don't want to do that. I am thinking of planning of going away for a few days to get realigned.

I am pretty sure that I have always felt alone in the marriage, but I was in so much denial about it, trying to keep the marriage afloat. I initially felt pretty relieved when things were officially over, but now I have nowhere to direct my loneliness except to be brave and stare at it in the face. I feel like I am melting, really.

I know, I JUST KNOW, that if I embark on using a woman to fill my void, then she will be just like the women who used me, ruined me, and cheated on me. Nope. Not gonna do it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> I am pretty sure that I have always felt alone in the marriage, but I was in so much denial about it, trying to keep the marriage afloat. I initially felt pretty relieved when things were officially over, but now I have nowhere to direct my loneliness except to be brave and stare at it in the face. I feel like I am melting, really.
> 
> I know, I JUST KNOW, that if I embark on using a woman to fill my void, then she will be just like the women who used me, ruined me, and cheated on me. Nope. Not gonna do it.


So true. If you can work with yourself through this phase....you will come out in a much better place. It will suck between now and then. :frown2:

Using another person to dull the pain isn't fair...however, sometimes fate might drop someone in your lap who needs the same type of comfort without committment, and you can help each other for a short time.

Not saying look for it, definitely just work on yourself. Just saying be open if it is there. We humans need snuggles.

Speaking of that...I wonder if there is something like this in your city:

Cuddle Up To Me

This is for real...I know some people may mock this, but it is a way to have loving non-sexual human touch, which is very healing.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Jumping right back into a relationship also signifies that you don't think you played any part in the problems of the relationship. Obviously the other person is entirely the problem, there's nothing I need to fix, so I'm ready now to be in another relationship. 

Now, it may work out for you. There are plenty on TAM who do exactly this and it seems to work out in the end. At a minimum, though, you shouldn't still harbor negative feelings, especially if those feelings cut across the full swath of your dating pool. If you think all women are this way or all men are that way, then you have some issues to work on. If you have a drinking problem, or a fidelity problem, or an anger problem, or a conflict avoidance problem, a self esteem problem, etc, then please do not date until these things are resolved. No one deserves to be the dog you come home to beat (or ignore or need so badly that it drives them away).


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Any theories on the right time for a guy to start dating after a failed marriage?


Start dating whenever you feel ready to. Don't let other dictate your "schedule" or what you feel is right for you.

When you start dating, just be honest with women you meet. If you don't want a LTR, or aren't looking to get married again, etc... just be up front about these things.

As long as you are honest, state your intentions up front, you will always have a clear conscious that you were frank about what you were looking for with women you meet.

I've been divorced 12 years, after a 17 year marriage. I started dating almost immediately after my divorce (technically during, since I did not have my final decree even though I had the preliminary hearing). I always kept things casual, and was up front that I wasn't looking for anything serious and was not looking to get married again. Even stating these things, I ran into situations where women I dated would later dump me because I was not going to "commit", despite stating up front I wasn't looking to get married again.

In the years since my divorce, I've had several LTRs and numerous dating experiences. It was only within the past year, though, that I stumbled upon another woman who connects with me in such a way that I want to share the rest of my life with her, and see the two of us building a future and family together.

When it happens, you'll know. Just don't be in a rush to find it. It will find you.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Jumping right back into a relationship also signifies that you don't think you played any part in the problems of the relationship. Obviously the other person is entirely the problem, there's nothing I need to fix, so I'm ready now to be in another relationship.
> 
> Now, it may work out for you. There are plenty on TAM who do exactly this and it seems to work out in the end. At a minimum, though, you shouldn't still harbor negative feelings, especially if those feelings cut across the full swath of your dating pool. If you think all women are this way or all men are that way, then you have some issues to work on. If you have a drinking problem, or a fidelity problem, or an anger problem, or a conflict avoidance problem, a self esteem problem, etc, then please do not date until these things are resolved. No one deserves to be the dog you come home to beat (or ignore or need so badly that it drives them away).


Really good points and I agree all around. I am in IC to directly address those things I want to change. Things I have known about all my life and either never accepted it was an issue or convinced myself I could work it out eventually. Now in my 40's and having not worked some of this stuff out, I am not ashamed to go talk to someone about it.

One of the things though is that since the affairs where revealed, I have been growing and if my wife is, she is keeping it a secret. I am starting to see how it had to end this way.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> SE...generally speaking, you could start dating (casually) or get a FWB as soon as you are separated. What the real concern is IMO, is the other person. They need to really be able to date you or have sex with you without getting attached. It is fine to date or have sex but not if you're just going to fall into a new relationship....and it will surprise you how strong the urge to do that is even though right now you probably just want freedom and to heal. All that will change when a kind loving soul begins to care for you. You will fall like a raindrop, regardless of your strength.
> 
> If you can stay casual and unattached and date or have sex for a year or so after separation, you will then possibly be ready for something a little more serious.
> 
> ...



Wow this is very insightful--thank you. I have actually book marked this to come back and re-read it often.



> But trust me when I say, the moment you feel the beautiful surge of kindness combined with loving attention, you will fall.


I have no idea when I will be ready to let myself feel this. A year sounds about right.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Speaking of that...I wonder if there is something like this in your city:
> 
> Cuddle Up To Me
> 
> This is for real...I know some people may mock this, but it is a way to have loving non-sexual human touch, which is very healing.


There used to be a site, like a dating site, where people could hook up just for cuddles. Not sure what happened to or or what it was called.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> SE...generally speaking, you could start dating (casually) or get a FWB as soon as you are separated. What the real concern is IMO, is the other person. *They need to really be able to date you or have sex with you without getting attached. It is fine to date or have sex but not if you're just going to fall into a new relationship....and it will surprise you how strong the urge to do that is even though right now you probably just want freedom and to heal.*All that will change when a kind loving soul begins to care for you. You will fall like a raindrop, regardless of your strength.
> 
> If you can stay casual and unattached and date or have sex for a year or so after separation, you will then possibly be ready for something a little more serious.
> 
> ...


* The only real problem with that is that there are even a goodly number of unencumbered men, who like myself, would love to re-experience sex, but who largely equate it right up there on the emotional spectrum, just as I imagine that the vast majority of women do!

I can't really speak for every guy out there, but at least for me to have fulfilling sex, I really like to know that there is some kind of an emotional connection there, albeit it even a small one, there with the woman!

IMHO, to willingly participate in sex with someone with absolutely no emotional connection with them is largely like masturbating with just another warm body present!*


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> * The only real problem with that is that there are even a goodly number of unencumbered men, who like myself, would love to re-experience sex, but who largely equate it right up there on the emotional spectrum, just as I imagine that the vast majority of women do!
> 
> I can't really speak for every guy out there, but at least for me to have fulfilling sex, I really like to know that there is some kind of an emotional connection there, albeit it even a small one, there with the woman!
> 
> IMHO, to willingly participate in sex with someone with absolutely no emotional connection with them is largely like masturbating with just another warm body present!*


Right, and I only meant my post if he actually wanted to have sex so soon. It would have to be detached, because otherwise, he would end up falling into another bad relationship and either he or the other person will get jerked around.

But I know that not all guys even want that detached sex....many don't and will turn it down if offered or available. I did not know which camp SE would be in so I was speaking generally about the casual sex part if that is what he is able to do.

He may not be.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> Start dating whenever you feel ready to. Don't let other dictate your "schedule" or what you feel is right for you.
> 
> When you start dating, just be honest with women you meet. If you don't want a LTR, or aren't looking to get married again, etc... just be up front about these things.
> 
> ...




this


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

women want sex as much as men (or more at certain points). Become an attractive option, develop a mutually beneficial, casual relationship and have fun. 

dont get married again though, for a long while at least. just saying.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Most women on TAM want to take time to "heal" after a bad marriage. Most men just want to be in a new relationship. Or more accurately, to get laid again as soon as possible. Or just be with someone so that he regains his feeling that he is desirable. Or ....????
> 
> *I don't understand why men are like this.* The only reasons I can come up with don't speak highly of men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Men and women process things and pain differently. Also categoriy women have better emotional support systems then men. I dated immediately after divorce and slept with a bunch of women totally uncharacteristic to me or my beliefs. I did so out of pain of my x wife's affair. Eventually I realized no matter how many relationships I had wasn't going to fix what was hurting. Had to talk to someone but again had no one to talk to about this stuff. So I went to counseling and after that was able to get back to myself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SE you should date as you feel comfortable and not before. It doesn't have to have labels. You can date just for company, for sex, in effort to find a relationship...doesn't matter. Just do what you feel is right when it feels right. It's a long process


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Most women on TAM want to take time to "heal" after a bad marriage. Most men just want to be in a new relationship. Or more accurately, to get laid again as soon as possible. Or just be with someone so that he regains his feeling that he is desirable. Or ....????
> 
> I don't understand why men are like this. The only reasons I can come up with don't speak highly of men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I went on a couple of dates while separated - the divorce took 6 months. I decided to wait until the divorce was final. Then I started back up, and met my current girlfriend 14 months after I had moved out, 8 months after divorce was final.

However, I was over my XW months before I filed, so I had that head start already. I also - and I've been thinking about starting a thread about this - was never really upset about it. I read how so many are devastated, and I feel for them, I really do. That just wasn't me, but that's for another day.

I can't speak for other, or most, men. I dated because I enjoy the company of women. It wasn't to validate me, or to make myself feel better, nor was I looking to score.

DPR


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Most women on TAM want to take time to "heal" after a bad marriage. Most men just want to be in a new relationship. Or more accurately, to get laid again as soon as possible. Or just be with someone so that he regains his feeling that he is desirable. Or ....????
> 
> I don't understand why men are like this. The only reasons I can come up with don't speak highly of men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm just spitballing here, but maybe it's because sex is more important to MOST men than it is to MOST women?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SE, I'm going to go against the grain here.

Assuming:
#1 you cut all strings and ties with your ex and you make it 100% crystal clear there is zero chance for reconciliation, and she's free to date/screw/marry anyone she wants.
#2 you go into this without one shred of neediness, clinginess, or 'becase you have to' instead 'because you want to'
#3 you make it crystal clear with potential partners that this is a casual thing with nearly zero chance of becoming serious
#4 you do #3 for yourself 

Date away. F away. Get your ya-yas out. For me, having sex for the first time after splitting was equivalent to about 6 months of counselling, support from my friends, and deep introspection about the whole thing. It was an 'aha!' moment for me. I rejoined the human race.

And I did so with great gusto.

Some warnings:
- for me, I fell in love quite quickly with one of the first girls I dated. And she was very messed up and we were most definitely not meant to be. But it was a heartbreak moment for me. Do not get serious quickly!
- I went through a second childhood. Be prepped for this, it surprised me. I basically went back to being a drunken frat boy in an explosion of "nobody can stop me from being stupid!"
- No matter how old you are and how old people you date are, dating is still essentially stupid. You'll encouter crazy stuff on a scale you might have forgotten about. For example, I went on one 2 hour date with a girl who told me 1:55 minutes into dinner that we were meant to be, she was going to marry me, and we were going to have kids and move to the burbs. It took 5 minutes to get the check and say 'no thanks.'
- Don't date young girls. I did, because I could. But dating 20 year olds, while they look awesome, generally are in a vastly different place than a divorced dude.
- as always, play safe.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I don't understand why men are like this. The only reasons I can come up with don't speak highly of men.


I don't think this is a "man" thing or a "woman" thing. It's an "I can't stand to be alone" thing. I have known a number of women who immediately start a new relationship on the dissolution of the last, just as I have also seen men do so.

The problem with that strategy is that you never really give yourself the opportunity to know yourself, and be right with yourself. Which means you have a greater tendency to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> I know, I JUST KNOW, that if I embark on using a woman to fill my void, then she will be just like the women who used me, ruined me, and cheated on me. Nope. Not gonna do it.


Yes, exactly. Other people aren't there to fill our voids. If anything, they are to help celebrate our fullness.

I don't know if you are an introvert or extrovert by nature, but "running yourself ragged" over social events is also a way of dodging that loneliness. 

Loneliness can be hard. No doubt. But it can also be very liberating.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> SE...generally speaking, you could start dating (casually) or get a FWB as soon as you are separated. What the real concern is IMO, is the other person. They need to really be able to date you or have sex with you without getting attached. It is fine to date or have sex but not if you're just going to fall into a new relationship....and it will surprise you how strong the urge to do that is even though right now you probably just want freedom and to heal. All that will change when a kind loving soul begins to care for you. You will fall like a raindrop, regardless of your strength.
> 
> If you can stay casual and unattached and date or have sex for a year or so after separation, you will then possibly be ready for something a little more serious.
> 
> ...


^^^ THIS RIGHT HERE. I've been the rebound in this type of situation, and the above is pretty much exactly what happened.

Try to minimize the collateral damage.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

marduk said:


> For example, I went on one 2 hour date with a girl who told me 1:55 minutes into dinner that we were meant to be, she was going to marry me, and we were going to have kids and move to the burbs. It took 5 minutes to get the check and say 'no thanks.'


Yikes! Did she have the overly attached girlfriend face?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Yikes! Did she have the overly attached girlfriend face?


Pretty much. 

The only one that was worse was one I took to the casino, where the date was going to last as long as it took me to lose $50. 

As my luck would have it, I was on a winning streak (I'm not a gambler by nature) and the date went very poorly (she was way too clingy). So about an hour and a half in I threw something like $300 on 37 red or something just to lose it all and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Yes, exactly. Other people aren't there to fill our voids. If anything, they are to help celebrate our fullness.
> 
> I don't know if you are an introvert or extrovert by nature, but "running yourself ragged" over social events is also a way of dodging that loneliness.
> 
> Loneliness can be hard. No doubt. But it can also be very liberating.


True, true, true.

I'm actually an ambi-vert. I get really energized being around people, and can be a person who can walk around the room and introduce myself to everyone and you have to tear the mic outta my hand of I do public speaking, but I can be just as refreshed and energized being by myself. Sometimes my introvert side gets flipped when I am with others, and I get quiet and very observant/introspective. I'm a little funny that way. My STBX is a clearcut introvert, so I think a lot of my outgoings are a means to bust out of my past pattern of trying to work with her, but really, she never was interested in working with me.

To be honest, I have been very careful about setting limits...keeping busy enough to stay involved and busy, but not overcommitting myself and become a flake. I make my yesses mean yes...so I am usually very sober about my involvements...except for that employee party I crashed. That was spur of the moment and involved lots of wine. :grin2:


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> True, true, true.
> 
> I'm actually an ambi-vert. I get really energized being around people, and can be a person who can walk around the room and introduce myself to everyone and you have to tear the mic outta my hand of I do public speaking, but I can be just as refreshed and energized being by myself. Sometimes my introvert side gets flipped when I am with others, and I get quiet and very observant/introspective. I'm a little funny that way. My STBX is a clearcut introvert, so I think a lot of my outgoings are a means to bust out of my past pattern of trying to work with her, but really, she never was interested in working with me.
> 
> To be honest, I have been very careful about setting limits...keeping busy enough to stay involved and busy, but not overcommitting myself and become a flake. I make my yesses mean yes...so I am usually very sober about my involvements...except for that employee party I crashed. That was spur of the moment and involved lots of wine. :grin2:


Huh, I can really relate to all of this.

I thought I was an introvert for most of life then I figured out I had a lot of extroverted tendencies. So I have these modes where I feel really energized by the people around me, even large groups, yet I do great on my own for long periods. I think some shyness and confidences issues in my youth led me to interpret myself as an introvert but I appear to flip back and forth. When I test on Myers-Briggs I waffle between INTJ and ENTJ.

And the stuff about your ex, well that sounds like my ex.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Here is my 'relationship' situation from marriage/divorce/post divorce

married about 8 years-- WAW, I was the nice guy from Robert glovers book, killed attraction

Went out with a friend 6 weeks after WAW announced she wanted divorce-- this turned into my rebound relationship as we started dating more and more seriously and by the time the divorce was final it was all out-- I had cancer and lived with her for awhile and realized I am not ready for that again yet. moved back home when I was able and she couldn't deal, I felt like I couldn't breathe, we broke up, I felt much better<<<<<<this is what people are trying to help you avoid

waited awhile, studied more self help, relationship dynamics, self confidence stuff, yoga and a little meditation, gratitude and being present-- all things that I would never have thought of if I had gone on being married and unfulfilled

started online dating casually-- met a woman out, handled it very badly and she took advantage of the attention which helped her ego, I allowed mixed signals, etc., friend zone and so on

after a few difficult days, stepped back, learned more about being a better man, creating rather than killing attraction-- learned a ton more

met another woman on line dating VERY recently divorced and just casually hang out and have sex. this is the best scenario. we have similar interests and a huge physical chemistry, but we do not have time to smother each other as we are not in a place where we can spend time together w/ kids so it is always when we can find time, and if we can find time to be alone we ALWAYS have sex. And by not worrying about the future/end game/relationship status, she is always coming back to me. Some weeks we can get together up to 3 times, other weeks we are lucky if it is just once due to our schedules. 

I am sure this will end too at some point, and like all the other situations I will learn and grow and the next will be better.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Señor Huevos! Cómo estás?


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

I have not posted in quite awhile as I have been going through the rebuilding process. I have been divorced for only 9 months, but we were separated for 18 months prior to that. I have begun the dating process again and to be honest, it sucks. My luck with dates has not been very positive. The entire dating scene is not appealing, I don't do bars, and opening myself up to another individual is sometimes heart wrenching. 

I feel like I am at a place in my life where I am ready to date, and to find someone to open up to, and most recently have realized that I can't make it happen. I have to LET it happen. Be open to whatever comes my way is a key that has taken me a long time to understand and comprehend. Now that I am there, I can take my time, see what happens and go from there. 

You really can't be told when the right time to date is for you. You do have to figure it out on your own. Several others in this thread have said the same thing. When I was where you are now, I definitely did not want to hear that. I wanted a magic time to appear and for it to say, go forth and date women. Of course that did not happen. However, when I finally did start dating, the first few dates I went on were good women, but I started to realize that I had a list...A list of "deal breakers". After keeping a mental list of what I could deal with and what I couldn't for a few months, I figured I needed to start writing them down and review it every few months to ensure I was on the right path. When you figure out the time is right to start dating, it will help if you already have your list started. It will help you to narrow down the thought process with a potential date. If there are qualities you have already seen prior to going out on a date that will not work for you, it will save you and her a lot of time. 

Just know that your "time" will be when it feels right for you. See what works for you and move forward. 

Mark


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