# Marriage on the brink



## ortho69 (Sep 10, 2009)

I have been married to my wife for 7 years. We have 3 young children, the oldest of whom is on the autistic spectrum and requires a lot of our attention as well as special need resources. Taking care of the kids is a full time job to say the least. My wife does not work outside the house and we have a full time nanny to help out. My wife always seems exasperated and frustrated at me and the kids and is often yelling or being extremely quick tempered. 

Our sex life has always been "strained." Early on in our relationship, before we were married, things seemed easy going and care free in the bedroom. However, over time, my wife has seemed to lose interest in sex. She has stated she is "just not interested" and "doesn't enjoy it." Whenever I try to even touch her, my hand is pushed away. When she does give in to sex, she often turns her back to me and makes little to no indication that she is even enjoying it. I get the sense she is doing it just to give me what I want. But this has become worse than not doing it at all. I find her extremely attractive and want to touch her and feel free in the bedroom to have a full and vibrant sex life. 

She often says I am "controlling" and "demanding of her" and "pawing all over her." However, it feels like she is the one in complete control of our sex life. Whether we have sex or not is totally up to her. Over the last year, she has pulled away from me emotionally as well, and I feel totally distant from her. She has told me that she is not attracted to me. About 10 months ago, I was suspicious that something was going on with her and another guy, and caught her texting her personal trainer with sexually explicit messages. She is adamant that nothing physical ever happened. Part of me believes her, but another part still has not gotten over the hurt and betrayal and remains suspicious and does not trust her. I have given her everything she has asked for over the last year (new car, breast augmentation surgery, money to redecorate several parts of the house). We have been in marriage counseling for 3 years now on and off, but continually for over a year now. We are both in individual therapy too, and nothing seems to be getting better.

I do not want to be in this kind of sexless/loveless marriage. I have my faults in all this, but I feel like I have done a lot of work in individual therapy to improve on these. I want to do whatever I can to keep our marriage and our family in tact, but I am really struggling with the lack of connection and love in our relationship.


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## shhitsasecret (Sep 11, 2009)

If she is at home all day, maybe she is just in desperate need of some adult time. Does she have friends she can occasionally go out with, or go get her nails done, etc?

Maybe after having kids, and being home all day, she just doesn't feel sexy anymore. She probably doesn't have a reason to get all dressed up very often, and feels frumpy. I think when women feel sexy, they act sexy. You guys should get nanny to watch the kiddos one night, go out, have some drinks and go dancing somewhere. Let your hair down a little and remember what it was that attracted you to each other so much in the first place. 

I would love that! But my husband hates to dance. /


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If she is having any type of affair....then she will not do much to help the marriage until the affair is over.

I know for many Moms they are touched out...doing for others constantly. Then they hubby comes home and wants sex. Not directly but a hug turns to a grab. A kiss turns into a makeout session. You get the idea. It's not that these will always turn out that way...it's the womans perception. Right or wrong. It's extremely stressful and she's is lucky to have additional help.

There may be a variety of reason for your lack of connection. After 3 year of MC (on/off) and 1 year of on MC...what does she say?


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## ortho69 (Sep 10, 2009)

After all the counseling, I don't feel we are any better off. In some ways it seems to have polarized us more....as for trying to be romantic and take her out dancing or to a concert, I make such suggestions all the time, but am often turned down. She says she doesn't think she'd have any fun. Even if we do go out to dinner and have nice conversation and have a semblance of connection, when we get home, the first thing out of her mouth when we get into bed is "I'm not having sex tonight." It just crushes my spirits. I feel that I am a good husband and had been with many women before we were together and know what a "normal" sex life is like. She keeps telling me that I have too high of expectations, but I think it is her with the issue, not me...as for the kids, I get that it is stressful taking care of them. However, she has a full time nanny and does not work outside the home. I'm not so sure why she feels so stressed out ALL THE TIME. 

I am so tired of living this way and constantly feeling ignored, rejected, and deprived of any kind of feeling of love from the woman I love and have made a life with.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Maybe you should try withholding affection or trying at all. 

See what her response is...pretend not to care.

Sometimes when you do all the chasing they do all the running!


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

I had a friend who got divorced several years ago. She was telling me before the break up she and her husband where in marriage counseling and had separate counseling. Looking back a few years after they had been divorced she realizes now that the separate counselors kept empowering them to push their own agenda...stand up for themselves, etc. And the marriage counselor kept trying to get them to work together. Obviously the individual counselors won and they got divorced.

After three years of marriage counseling and no results, fire your counselor. Find someone else. There are all kinds of counselors and some are better than others and some work better with different situations. Next, you may want to consider JUST marriage counseling. Not individual counseling.

Counseling can be a good thing, but if you don't see measurable progressively positive results over time, it's time to move on.


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## isittoomuchtoask (Oct 8, 2009)

wow, you sound exactly like me. my husband is always pushing me off of him when i try to initiate sex. he says every night that he is not in the mood, or we were fighting earlier or last week so thats all he thinks about when i try to have sex with him. now i second guess everything about our relationship. and i keep finding emails, and myspace junk from girls or to girls. he always says someone hacked into his computer and keeps sending stuff. (yeah right) sometimes the only thing that seems right is to leave. but then what happens to our son? 

i have no advice for you, just to tell you that you are not alone. i know exactly how you feel. 

hugs


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sorry to hear about the problems, but also don't make excuses for her. I have two boys, and my oldest is autistic. I don't have a nanny and I juggle all his appts and things by myself since my hubby works. And I am READY for him to come home and for us to be intimate because it is a wonderful way to relieve stress and to feel needed, sexy and closer to each other. Using the kids as an excuse is not fair, because that has nothing to do with it. If she is generally disinterested that is one thing, but I am juggling two with seperate learning disabilities and I can still manage to jump on my husband at any given time throughout the day. I realize not every woman has my high sex drive, but still there NEEDS to be time for sex. I would take the advice above and either move to a new counselor or push the issue with your old one.


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## isittoomuchtoask (Oct 8, 2009)

i am so sad for you. honestly, i thought i was the only person out there that was going thru this. but now that i know im not, i dont really know what to think. all i know is that i wouldnt wish this on anyone in the world. 
sometimes i think its better to be lonely alone than lonely with someone.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When women lose their desire - that makes things difficult. When they lose their desire AND try to make you out to be the bad guy - instead of trying to improve things - then you are lost. Because that means they don't respect you enough to even make the effort to please you. 

When they are freezing you out in the bedroom and texting their trainer in a sexual way - well that is more then just a lack of love and respect. Now you have to start watching the money. Is she starting to hide it, to give her trainer some big bonuses etc. 

There is no way to fix this. She does not love you, and you cannot buy her love with gifts - even major gifts. 

Very sad. 








ortho69 said:


> I have been married to my wife for 7 years. We have 3 young children, the oldest of whom is on the autistic spectrum and requires a lot of our attention as well as special need resources. Taking care of the kids is a full time job to say the least. My wife does not work outside the house and we have a full time nanny to help out. My wife always seems exasperated and frustrated at me and the kids and is often yelling or being extremely quick tempered.
> 
> Our sex life has always been "strained." Early on in our relationship, before we were married, things seemed easy going and care free in the bedroom. However, over time, my wife has seemed to lose interest in sex. She has stated she is "just not interested" and "doesn't enjoy it." Whenever I try to even touch her, my hand is pushed away. When she does give in to sex, she often turns her back to me and makes little to no indication that she is even enjoying it. I get the sense she is doing it just to give me what I want. But this has become worse than not doing it at all. I find her extremely attractive and want to touch her and feel free in the bedroom to have a full and vibrant sex life.
> 
> ...


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