# Marriage/Cheating



## sadandalone (Aug 15, 2013)

Hello, My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have 2 kids. Last week he told me that 7 years ago when he was deployed that him and a bunch of guys were pretty wasted. He was blacking in and out in his hotel room. I guess some of the guys got a prostitute to give him a blow job. He doesn't remember everything that happened. But he knows he got a blow job. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20. The first 2 years were hard because i cheated on him once and we worked hard and made our marriage stronger and when we hit the 5 year mark I thought okay we can do this. Everything has been great and we love it other. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right. I want to stay and be with him. I love him so much. I don't understand why it took so long to tell me. I'd love to hear what people think.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Why did he confess now sadandalone?

And why is your user name sadandalone?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

other than this recent revelation from your husband of something that happened 7 years ago, how are things otherwise in your relationship? Any concerns? Any problems?


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## sadandalone (Aug 15, 2013)

I couldn't think of a user name. My kids are out of town and the house is so quiet. He confessed because were getting back in to church and he was have a private discussion with the pastor and my husband broke down and told him. He told him that he needed to come clean with me. Everything's been great in our marriage. He got out of the military a couple years ago and we've relocated and got a great job. I'm staying home with the kids and that makes him happy. I'm upset about everything but it took 7 years is what gets me.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Let it go. It's in the past. It wasn't even an affair. Prostitutes are no competition. It doesn't make it ok, and he should have told you earlier, but be thankful that he didn't pass you a std and that he's a good husband otherwise. Let it go, it's long done and gone.
Of course, I'd say a completely different thing if it was an ongoing affair.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think probably your husband thought it might be best to not come clean to you, given the circumstances of your affair and how that affected your relationship. The pastor probably advised him that in order to move forward, he would have to tell you of this and seek your forgiveness. 

The fact that your husband took this advice and came clean means to me that he needs your forgiveness to move forward and become a better partner. I know it hurts, but I think its best to forget it and be thankful that your husband is trying to become a better man.


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## sadandalone (Aug 15, 2013)

I love my husband and I know i'll be forgiving him. I just need a little time. Its been 5 days since he told me. He's an amazing man and I believe we can be happy.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

sadandalone said:


> I couldn't think of a user name. My kids are out of town and the house is so quiet. He confessed because were getting back in to church and he was have a private discussion with the pastor and my husband broke down and told him. He told him that he needed to come clean with me. Everything's been great in our marriage. He got out of the military a couple years ago and we've relocated and got a great job. I'm staying home with the kids and that makes him happy. I'm upset about everything but it took 7 years is what gets me.


Oh.. i get the username now. 

I'm all for fidelity and honesty but I also wonder if it was really helpful for him to tell after all this time. I imagine it has taken all his courage to tell you? Do you have an agreement in your marriage regarding faithfulness? Is it a deal breaker for you?

He has no doubt lessened the guilt he has been carrying for all these years...but he has done so by hurting and upsetting you. 

I dunno... I always say I couldn't live with a man if he cheated. but every story is different.

Is there anything else that worries or concerns you? Does he wave any red flags at all? Is he open and transparent with his cell phone and emails and online passwords etc... 

Are actually able to trust...but verify his truthfulness?

My head tells me in your situation I would/should make a decision based on the man he is now and what kind of marriage you have today.

I don't envy you at all. 
(((hugs)))

Also does he still associate with these so called 'mates'?
With friends like that who needs enemies...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

sadandalone said:


> Hello, My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have 2 kids. Last week he told me that 7 years ago when he was deployed that him and a bunch of guys were pretty wasted. He was blacking in and out in his hotel room. I guess some of the guys got a prostitute to give him a blow job. He doesn't remember everything that happened. But he knows he got a blow job. We got married when I was 18 and he was 20. The first 2 years were hard because i cheated on him once and we worked hard and made our marriage stronger and when we hit the 5 year mark I thought okay we can do this. Everything has been great and we love it other. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right. I want to stay and be with him. I love him so much. I don't understand why it took so long to tell me. I'd love to hear what people think.


I'm curious as to how he managed to not only get an erection, but reach orgasm while he was black out drunk.
Ever hear the phrase "whiskey d*ck?"
Yeah, that refers to when a man is so drunk he can't get it up.
Might be more to this story than what he has shared already.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hmm, I think it is a good thing he told you. In the long term this will no longer be a secret which undermines your relationship.

My initial thought is that his bj does not negate your affair, nor does your affair negate his bj. So I disagree with the others who say you should forget about it. Not that you should nuke him about it either. Just that you two should process this.

I assume you both want to keep this marriage and that you value your relationship. If you both approach it from that standpoint I think you can discuss how you each feel about the past and how you want the future to be. Rather than immediately bury this, I think you two should acknowledge it and acknowledge how you both feel. Then you can stop pretending and stop dancing around each other.


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## sadandalone (Aug 15, 2013)

I know he feels a lot better after telling me. Its a weight off his shoulders(on to mine.) We use each others cell phones and know the passwords to all the email accounts. He's a great man. He doesn't talk with those guys anymore. The very next day he asked to be moved at work so he didn't have to associate with them.

Yeah I know what a whiskey d*** is. I'm not sure about the other stuff. Not sure if he went all the way for it to happen?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your husband confessed to his pastor while in counseling. He apparently has been a pretty decent husband and father for 7 years and he's trying to be even better. I expect the pastor told him it was important for him to confess to you. I don't buy every bit of his story but whatever he did was a long time ago. The real truth is that he's picked you every day for years since. It's equally true that you don't occupy any high ground in the faithfulness department, so if you expect forgiveness for your sins, you are pretty much obligated to return the favor. For what it's worth, 99% of guys would have carried this piece of information to their graves. Your's wants this marriage to work so much that he's surrendered every ounce of self-preservation and common sense. She could waterboard me and I wouldn't admit a 7 year old BJ to my wife.


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## sadandalone (Aug 15, 2013)

THOR, Your right I can't just ignore it we have to talk about things I know we both want our marriage to work. And its going to take time and a lot of patience. Thank you


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Actually, if your husband is telling the truth, it sounds more like he was sexually assaulted. He was too drunk to consent and his friends decided he needed a BJ from a prostitute... that's really sad. He might have made some poor choices that evening, but he didn't deserve to be violated. I don't think he should feel guilty for what happened, though I know many victims of sexual assault do. What a terrible situation for him and you. And from what I know (just from reading the news), the military is horrid about prosecuting sexual assault, even when it's blatant forcible rape of a woman by a man. I can't even imagine them prosecuting this. 

I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this.


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

sadandalone said:


> THOR, Your right I can't just ignore it we have to talk about things I know we both want our marriage to work. And its going to take time and a lot of patience. Thank you


How much time and patience did your husband take after YOUR affair? You might want to use that as a barometer.

I don't even look at this as an affair on your husbands' part. Yeah he didn't stop what he should have but it isn't the same as hopping into the sack with another chick and giving her a ride on the wild side. My guess is your little tryst was a bit less innocent.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

northernlights said:


> Actually, if your husband is telling the truth, it sounds more like he was sexually assaulted. He was too drunk to consent and his friends decided he needed a BJ from a prostitute... that's really sad. He might have made some poor choices that evening, but he didn't deserve to be violated. I don't think he should feel guilty for what happened, though I know many victims of sexual assault do. What a terrible situation for him and you. And from what I know (just from reading the news), the military is horrid about prosecuting sexual assault, even when it's blatant forcible rape of a woman by a man. I can't even imagine them prosecuting this.
> 
> I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this.


Absolutely if his version is true.

If a woman was blacking out/half conscious and her 'friends' got a male sex worker to give her oral sex we/I'd be horrified and be calling it sexual assault.

OP has your husband expressed any words to convey his feelings on what was 'done' to him? I wonder if that is partly why he reacted so quickly to change his work condition after the event. How did he explain that to you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's come clean about something that it sounds very ashamed of doing.

It sounds like it wasn't his idea or desire at all.

He forgave your cheating, I'm betting that your cheating was done with your clear choice and intent versus his which is pretty close to sexual assault.

So I'd be finding a way to give him the same gift he gave you under much worse circumstances.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel your husband did the right thing in coming clean about this...by the leading of the Pastor...good for him -he wants a clean slate before God and his wife...

Harboring secrets of any kind hinders something deep inside of us with our spouses.. I too, feel you both need to open the dialogue up, talk about the past...the why's , what was faltering in the marriage back then to lead to these places....process it...forgive each other from the heart ...then allow it to wash in the ocean....

Sounds you both got off to a rough start, you have learned from your mistakes....you both love & care for each other very much...and have a very bright future ahead of you.


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