# yelling at mom in front of babies



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Last night my husband and I got into a stupid fight. That in itself is getting annoying but he really flipped. Kept dropping f* bombs and calling me names in front of our 3 year and 3 month old boys. I mean he was ranting! The look of uncertainty on my poor 3 years old's face still haunts me. I didn't engage. I didn't freak back, I told him once calmly and sternly not to speak to the mother of his children that way, especially in front of them and took the boys and left the room. The 3 year old kept running back and forth between us and I let him. My husband later apologized (not for fight but for freaking). Its not the first time, but its the best way I reacted. What do I do to ensure it doesn't happen again. What do I say? I am still upset with him!
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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I hope you realize that YOU can't control your husband's outbursts. He is losing control, and there's nothing you can do to keep him from doing that. Your reaction was the next to best one. IMHO, the best one would have been to leave the house and take the children with you. Remove them from that situation. Go to a relative, a friend..someone. 

You didn't elaborate on your husband much, so I don't know if this is a regular occurrence for him or not. I don't know what other behaviors he might be exhibiting. 

Sounds like some counseling is in order here.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I hope you realize that YOU can't control your husband's outbursts. He is losing control, and there's nothing you can do to keep him from doing that. Your reaction was the next to best one. IMHO, the best one would have been to leave the house and take the children with you. Remove them from that situation. Go to a relative, a friend..someone.
> 
> You didn't elaborate on your husband much, so I don't know if this is a regular occurrence for him or not. I don't know what other behaviors he might be exhibiting.
> 
> ...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MC isn't going to help someone with the issues he has. He needs individual counseling. Have you educated yourself about living with someone with these issues? I would read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. There are many books out there about men like this. This used to be the "bible" for women living with emotional and verbal abuse. Lots of information on the web, as well.

Since you mentioned planning your "escape"...is this something you're seriously thinking of?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

major misfit said:


> MC isn't going to help someone with the issues he has. He needs individual counseling. Have you educated yourself about living with someone with these issues? I would read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. There are many books out there about men like this. This used to be the "bible" for women living with emotional and verbal abuse. Lots of information on the web, as well.
> 
> Since you mentioned planning your "escape"...is this something you're seriously thinking of?


If I could escape with the confidence that my two babies would be protected during their time with him, I probably would. But I made that mistake with my first marriage (kids now 19 and 16). I, despite tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, counseling, court orders, social workers etc.,wasn't able to protect them from their dad. He'd jump through hoops and get his unsupervised visits re-instated after 3 months of anger management etc. I honestly did the best I could and I failed my older two kids. I thought courts would recognize that him kicking the kids when angry was abuse but it was agreed that it happened but deemed 'differing discipline techniques'. I don't want to do this mistake again. While I think he is wrong and damaging to the kids, the courts would say different and our babies would be subjected to him without my protection. It's a lose - lose situation all around. He is trying some, I guess I have to be a little more patient. I will read those books you mentioned and keep with the counseling. While I am resiged to stay here doesn't mean I have to stop trying to make things better.
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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I wasn't suggesting you should leave. You mentioned planning your escape, that's why I asked. I think you would benefit from individual counseling as well. Good luck.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I know I said that. I am conflicted. If I knew the boys would be well treated on their time with dad, I probably would throw in the towel. I wish I could in many ways. But most important to me are the boys and leaving doesn't remove them from the situation, just leaves them exposed to their dad unprotected by me. It's my internal conflict, nothing I thought you implied. Just doing a little wishing. I have done some therapy and have learned some self-preservation techniques and boundaries. Just annoyed with myself for putting myself and kids in the same position I escaped from over 10 years ago.
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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Just annoyed with myself for putting myself and kids in the same position I escaped from over 10 years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can feel your frustration. It doesn't sound like things went well the last time you split from someone like this. And now you're back in the same situation you once got out of. I find your use of the word "escape" interesting. Almost like you're a prisoner? 

Since this isn't your first rodeo...you likely know just how much you won't be able to change (about him, anyway). You likely know to try to "keep it from happening" again, you'll have to walk on eggshells. And that's not going to stop it, either.

Is there any chance he'd go for counseling? If he won't (which I doubt), are you able to?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

He did go about a year ago then quit when it got past the, 'your life was incredible, you should write a book!' Stage and started to be work. He is very nervous about marriage counseling as he knows he is making mistakes. I am too but I'm not afraid of them, I want to learn and do better.
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## Vanes (Mar 22, 2012)

Hands down, you need to get OUT of that terrible situation for the kids and for your own emotional, spiritual well being. I am ending my first marriage because his "childhood problems" became physical and emotional torture for me. 

It is not your concern what the courts do precisely, what you can control, DO control. Take the reins of life in your hands and get away from abuse, from harm and from lousy men. 

You are strong, but need to give up worrying about what you can't control and dive into all the wonderful things you can control for your kids. 

You've already gotten this far by posting on sites, as I realized too that we are all here for a reason, usually a very good reason. Life is hard, but YOU don't need to suffer for someone else's bad parenting that LED to your partners bad childhood, which is causing the same bad childhood for your babies. 

Go get your freedom and strength back, those books I browsed thru and were great, cried half the time but also felt empowered that we are the good and they are frankly, the bad. So keep moving, up up and away!!!!


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