# She says I need to fix it



## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

So, me and my wife have been having our problems ever since we moved to Connecticut about 18 month ago. Now we're at point where she is essentially blaming me for everything, says I don't try, or I'm not fixing anything. I've always done anything and everything to try and keep her happy, whatever it was she said she needed I said ok. But now it seems to be an unending roller coaster that she is never happy, or if she is it doesn't last long, I always do something or don't do something or she has even at times just proclaimed "I'm in a bad mood", and my trying to help only seems to get the guns pointed at me, anything I suggest to help is the worst idea ever spoken aloud. She says I'm a terrible parent and worse husband. That she deserves better, that I'll be alone and I deserve it. I've had several surgeries that have left me essentially bed ridden over the last few months, and she has complained everyday with out fail while at the same time reminding me how much she does and more over how much I don't do. Prior to my surgeries, when I wasn't working I did as much with the kids as she did, cleaned, cooked etc..when I wasn't at work I pulled my weight, yet she still wasn't happy. It's gotten to a point where I glaze over when she starts now or lash back(this only happens when she's taking extra shots at me on a personal level, really being nasty). She essentially guilts me for being injured. I sent my daughter to live with her mother to help "alleviate" some of the stress being put on my wife, which I now have a hole in me that cannot be filled. She says I don't do anything to fix our problems, but I ask her what I should be doing that I'm not, and I get different temporary fixes, once it was that she wanted to cuddle more at night, then I was waiting on her hand and foot for a few weeks, keeping the baby away from her as much as possible so she could get a break, you name it. Now it's like every other day I get the "I'll just leave you" speech about how she deserves better. I'm just exhausted by her anymore. The constant badgering and complaining about how bad she has it. Again she's only really had to do a little extra the last few months because I've had a couple major spine surgeries. I'm just at a loss anymore. I don't know what she wants me to "fix", I've tried doing more with the baby, doing what I can around the house, giving her more attention, but it's never enough, or I can't sustain it long enough with out something happening that makes all the good I've done done for nothing. Now she has gone to a counselor and throws it in my face everyday "because she's trying to make herself better" and I'm not. When ever I've asked her to tell me exactly what she wants me to do to help fix our problem she says "do this.." So I do and it's like I said not a permanent fix and eventually were back to square one and I'm the big bad wolf and the bane of her existence. I've told her that she is emotionally abusive, but it didn't phase her. The way she treats me makes me feel less than worthless. What do I do? I've been seeing a counselor for a while who has told me I need to ask myself how long am I going to stay and deal with it? Because she'll never be happy and it'll always be my fault. It used to be all my daughters fault, now she's not here so the blame has shifted entirely to me. She calls me names, tells me I'm a terrible father and worse husband, that all I am is a paycheck and I bring nothing else to our marriage. She insists that I'm depressed, and threatens to call my command if I don't do something, I've admitted to being down after the surgeries and my daughter leaving, but it's like rather than giving me space or letting me get through it she has to try and make me feel worse. This may seem like rambling, but I'm just lost. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to say because I don't want to be criticized for it. I'm just tired. So very tired. As much as I'd miss my kids, I wouldn't miss her berating me every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

HM2, welcome to TAM. You say this abuse started 18 months ago. How far into your marriage did you get before you started seeing this behavior start up? You don't mention how long you've been married to this woman and it would be helpful to know whether you two had five wonderful years or, rather, just a year or two before the trouble started.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Can you separate? take her at her word when she tells you again she will leave you. Tell her you are ready to relieve her of your unwanted presence in her life. 

She is very difficult to understand and it may very well be that she doesn't know how to be happy or how to understand her own needs to feel satisfied in her life. if she can't even realize what would make her happy, there is no hope that you two will make it. You may very well need to start formulating the idea that this relationship is better dead than the hell it has become.

Sorry you can't get help from your life partner, and instead she gives you more grief.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From were I'm sitting and what I got out of this wall of text is she just needs to leave.

Sure it suck to have to tell the women you love to get the phuck out, but chicks love confident men and you should show her that you are confident enough to let her go and let her be happy some were else.

If she thinks she can be happier else were then she has that option....why should you have to deal with her bull shyt and be treated like a door mat?

It sounds to me that she has found better options and doesn't have the ball to bail so she treats you like shyt to see if you will be the one to leave?

Again she has options....tell her to choice one and get the hell off your back!

In short the best way to "fix it" is to have her leave and until she can treat you with respect she is no longer welcome.

Who knows...maybe after a few days of couch surfing at friends or her boyfriend gets sick of her shyt she will change her tune and come back?

Either way , folks will continue to shyt on you as long as you tolerate it.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I think I would have left after she started berating my kids and blaming them for everything. 

You married a sociopath
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Hm2 said:


> Now it's like every other day I get the "I'll just leave you" speech about how she deserves better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Get yourself a little plan together for the next time she utters these words. Not the next time it makes this CONVENIENT. The next time she says it. Crashing everybody's world at a BAD time is better. It makes EVERYONE who gives a sh1t know for a fact that you are serious this time.

That's all I've been saying here for 5 years. People that do this to you have to KNOW that you are not willing to take it. Talking almost NEVER does it. Ultimatums? Pl-EASE!

Actions speak louder than words (and I'm a man of great experience).


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Crash this woman's world.


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## kamiti (May 29, 2016)

If she feels that she deserves better and you are exhausted by her...be a gentleman and let her go get that better.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

This is definitely a job for uptown

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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

Uptown said:


> HM2, welcome to TAM. You say this abuse started 18 months ago. How far into your marriage did you get before you started seeing this behavior start up? You don't mention how long you've been married to this woman and it would be helpful to know whether you two had five wonderful years or, rather, just a year or two before the trouble started.


We've been married 2 years. We met and married in Hawaii, and everything was great until we moved from Hawaii to Connecticut about 18 months ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

Whenever she says we should split I agree with her now, I've even told her that I want a divorce. She turns it into I'm giving up and don't fight for her. I told her I really don't want a divorce but she's making me. We couldn't actually afford to divorce at the moment but there is a large in heretance coming to her any day now. I'm waiting for the money to come to see what she really wants because then there's nothing to stop her from leaving. Once there's money to actually leave we'll see if she actually does. She claims that's all that's stopping her is that she has nothing. I've even gone so far as to plan the logistics of her moving and made a list to split our belongings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sorry. I guess I am an idiot. I'm a little slow...

Where's the part of your plan where you convince her that you are serious? 

Sorry, again, but you're going to put up with her abuse HOW LONG, exactly, before this money comes in? Then you're going to put up with it for how much longer where, in addition to current levels of abuse, she's now going to hang HER money over your head?

Or maybe you really DO think she'll set you free when this money comes in. So plan A, then, is her receiving independence, BOLTING, leaving you with nothing. "C-YA. Wouldn't want to B-YA!"

What the hell are you asking us again? Your plan is to bend over and take it for however long she agrees to keep administering it?

WILL SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE???


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is a congenitally unhappy person. You cannot fix unhappy. If you stay with her you will be damning yourself to a miserable life.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

HM2,

Wow, beating a man when he is down. Sorry to hear how things are going for you between surgery and home life.

So you met in Hawaii and transferred to CT? My guess is that military life is not suited to your wife, even after such a short time.

I will say is this: You are not responsible for your wife's happiness, only your own. Be like a duck when she goes off, let it roll off your back and don't let her see it bother you.

She is obviously unhappy but instead of working on it, she just blame shifts everything to you. She may be in therapy, but she is not working on her problems. I bet all she does is complain about you and deflects all problems as yours. Yes, you can be abused by a woman and she is dealing it to you.

I would start to protect yourself, but don't make big waves about it yet. Make sure you see your LPO & Chief and let them know what is going on in your life. See the Jag to get some legal advice. They typically will not get involved in divorce type issues, but can help point you in the right direction. One of your goals will be to keep her from leaving with your child and keeping them away from you. Get the legal wheels turning to protect yourself and your child from this woman. You might even contact Fleet and Family services to see if they can help.

She sounds like she could get pretty nasty, so I would also consider taking action to protect yourself from a false domestic violence (DV)accusation. Have a couple of voice activated recorders on when she is around. This is purely to play back to an officer in the event she tries to get you locked up because she is mad. A DV incident can ruin your security clearance and career in the military. CYA

r/
CDR C3156


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Hm2 said:


> She is essentially blaming me for everything.... seems to be an unending roller coaster that she is never happy.... she is emotionally abusive.


HM2, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, feeling of entitlement, rapid flips between loving and hating you, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and irrational jealousy.



> Once there's money to actually leave we'll see if she actually does. She claims that's all that's stopping her is that she has nothing.


If she really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent traits), she has a weak and unstable self identity -- and thus does not even have a strong "self" to keep herself company when she's alone. This is why BPDers -- despite their constant complaining about the partner -- absolutely HATE to live alone. Hence, if she has strong BPD traits, she likely is afraid to leave -- which is why the #2 best selling BPD book is titled _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me! _Even when a BPDer spouse does leave, they usually are quick to return.


> I always do something or don't do something.... I don't know what to say because I don't want to be criticized for it.


Your predicament of being damned no matter what you say is called "walking on eggshells." This is why the #1 best selling BPD book is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells.
_


> What do I do?


What you DON'T do is keep trying to fix her unhappiness. As @*bandit.45* says above, "You can't fix happy." It took me 15 years to learn that, if you want a happy wife, you have to marry a woman who was already happy when you met her.

HM2, if you determine you're seeing strong BPD traits, an important issue is how long this has been going on. At issue, then, would be whether you're seeing a _temporary flareu_p of BPD traits or, instead, a _persistent problem_. As I noted above, every adult on the planet exhibits BPD traits to some degree -- and to varying degrees at various stages of life. 

During early childhood, for example, we all behave like BPDers 24/7. And many of us start behaving that way again, for several years, when our hormones are raging during the teen years. These "flareups" of BPD traits to strong levels can occur again -- for a year or two -- whenever there is a strong hormone change, as can occur during pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, or with a severe head injury. I mention this because you say your W recently gave birth. One possibility, then, is that she is suffering a postpartum hormone change that typically can last a year.

On the other hand, when strong BPD traits are a _persistent_ personality problem, they do not disappear for years at a time. Instead, they typically start showing themselves very strongly following puberty and will entirely disappear only during the intense infatuation period, which typically lasts 4 to 6 months -- but may last as long as a year. The traits disappear during that courtship period because the BPDer's infatuation convinces her that she has met the nearly perfect man who has arrived to save her from unhappiness. 

In this way, the infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Of course, those fears quickly return when the infatuation start evaporating -- at which time her partner will start triggering those fears and seeing the resulting anger. I mention this because you say her anger issues began just 6 months into your marriage -- perhaps before she became pregnant and started experiencing hormone changes. 

I therefore recommend that you see a psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your baby are dealing with -- and what your daughter was having to deal with before she escaped to live with her mother. Hopefully, if you are seeing strong BPD symptoms, you are seeing only a temporary flareup.

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply. An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join *@ricky15100*, *Bandit*, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, HM2.


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## Hm2 (Mar 18, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Sorry. I guess I am an idiot. I'm a little slow...
> 
> Where's the part of your plan where you convince her that you are serious?
> 
> ...


With her money(because I'm not gonna pay for it even if I did have the money)I can buy a plane ticket for her and put her **** on the side walk. She knows I'm not going to tolerate it anymore and she knows I'm serious because I told her that she needs to change or she can get the **** out. My chief is aware of the turmoil that has been taking place and that a divorce is on the table. I wouldn't be left with nothing. I have a support system of family and friends that are there for me. As for HOW LONG, while she isn't willing to ask her family about when this money will come because it's "insensitive", I've already discussed with her family when the money will be available and they are aware of why I need to know, and are on my side, it'll be here any day. I've dealt with her this long, what's another few days or a week? I think she knows I'm serious, and I think her therapist has seen that she has issues because they started her on meds. I was asking for advice, or an outside perspective from someone who has been in this or a similar situation. Isn't that what this forum is for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Hm2 said:


> I'm serious because I told her that she needs to change or she can get the **** out. ]


Oh. You TOLD her. Why didn't you just say so?

She may seriously know you WANT to leave her, but most abuse victims DON'T leave. And I'm going with the odds here.

Her and I both know you're not going to do anything. So I'll speak for her and say that we're out until you tell us you are really going to DO something.

Every day you wait for that money to come in is another day in bondage. 




Hm2 said:


> We've been married 2 years. We met and married in Hawaii, and everything was great until we moved from Hawaii to Connecticut about 18 months ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't even know what that means. Great for 6 months? While living in paradise? The honeymoon stage was not even CLOSE to over.







And I don't mean to discourage you, but if you ever actually work up the balls to actually DO something, your plan will go off script, BADLY, within 2 minutes. And I'm being generous.

Good luck to you my friend.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

If your wife is never happy, that is something only she can fix. 
She's blaming you & the kids for her deep issues instead of her looking in the mirror. 
Also a very over critical wife, is a wife who is not in love with her husband. 
But hey I'm only getting your side of the story, she could resent you for the move also lack of money etc. 

During hard times we see the real person we married, at 2 years in, you really need to look & see if there's real love there, I would support my husband if we were homeless because I really love him, real love endures forever. 

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