# I spy on my wife an i need an advice



## dr.jackyl

Hello

Me and my wife have some trust issues. In the past she did some acts that i consider as uncalled for (not cheating exactly - but not far from it).
In her line of work she goes to many "business" meetings with men (she works at the hi-tech industry) so i bugged her bag.
I can listen to recorded conversations without her knowing.
It appears that in some of her business meetings she is not dealing business but being very friendly to the men (not in a romantic uncalled for meaning) but she tells them personal stuff about our marriage, about our life.
Just the other day she told this guy something about me that made me go nuts. She tells them things that she doesn't tell me.
Because she is a major hottie all these guys are trying to act as "friends" and try to sabotage our relationship.

The problem is i can't confront her. I can't tell her that i know she said this and that - but some of the things she tells them are seating heavily on my heart and cause me not to sleep at night.

I tell myself that being able to know whats going on in her meetings is an advantage i wouldn't wanna loose.

I'm in a paradox. What's your suggestion ??


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## Jellybeans

Why did you start bugging her? Was it from your own guilty conscience about what you did to her in the past? Have you always spied on her?

Either confront her w/ the knowledge you hve and let her know how you know... (cause you bugged her) or keep being deceptive listening to her via bugging and let it weigh you down.


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## dr.jackyl

I bugged her bag because i don't trust her. She was always fond of male attention and had tons of male friends. I caught her lying to me several times and it was disturbing. She tells me all the time that she is not being too friendly to male colleagues, but then i see all kinds of friendly text messages in her phone.
People that she told me she is not in touch with are in touch with her on facebook. All kinds of little annoying stuff.
So i bugged her and i hear her telling intimate details of our relationship to ppl i don't even know, all kinds of complaints about me,
and etc to a so called business partner.
When she got out of the meeting with him she called me and told me total lies about the meeting, that it was all technical - but i know the truth. She spent an hour pouring her heart to this guy.
I realy want to confront her - but the minute i'll tell her i bugged her bag - she will go bananas on my ass, and i will turn out to be the bad guy.
It realy is frustrating to know the truth about your wife - but acting as if u don't know.


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## Jellybeans

dr.jackyl said:


> I realy want to confront her - but the minute i'll tell her i bugged her bag - she will go bananas on my ass, and i will turn out to be the bad guy.


Ok, so what is your plan?


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## Whip Morgan

Sounds like she is rapidly approaching the idea of having an affair, if she is pouring her heart out to other men. She might already be having one. JB is right to ask what your plan is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dr.jackyl

I don't have a plan - that's why i'm posting it here.
I need a plan. I need an advice.
From one side - it's not that i caught her having sex or anything romantic with someone. From the other side - it is some kind of cheating to pour your heart to other guy, and tell intimate stuff to someone that i don't even know. 
If i'd know that she broke a rule which is a deal breaker - i would confront her and even consider divorce.
But because it's on the gray side of things - i can't reveal my methods.


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## ArabianKnight

you have the right to protect yourself and your wife. what you did is not wrong, but some women will see it that way, If my wife have done it for me I wont be mad because I know she did that because she loves me. 
she has no right what so ever to talk to anyone even her family about your life together, so imagine to business partners. 
she might be going toward an emotional affair so be careful. 

might we ask what kind things she is telling her co workers? what kind of personal stuff? do they talk about s*ex?

do you have kids together? 
how do you find your marriage, are you guys happy or arguing and fight all the time?


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## ArabianKnight

If it was me

1- I will talk to her in none direct way that talking to men is a No No, specially about both of you

2- make up a story about friend of yours discovered his wife talking to other men about their relationship and that your friend asked your advice and you told him how you feel about it. 

3- keep bugging her bag to see where is she going with that


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## Jellybeans

dr.jackyl said:


> I don't have a plan - that's why i'm posting it here.
> I need a plan. I need an advice.


Well we can't tell you what to do. You will have to decide that on your own.

I do know that if ther eis something that's bothering you, the worst thing you can do is sweep it under the rug and pretend there isn't an issue.

You mentioned you yourself did something bad in the past. Was it an affair? Is that why you are worried about her now because you see the same signs/things happening? Elaborate.


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## dr.jackyl

we are married for a year and a half now. Don't have kids yet but working on it. That's one of the reason i spy on her. I wanna make sure 100000% that she is loyal and faithful before i have children with her.
She told the business partner (which is a total stranger - not in touch with her at all) that i have problems with the fact that she works only with men and goes abroad to business meetings - just with men.
(Which i know if it was the opposite - she would object as well).
She also told him that sometimes she feels like she needs some time out from me. Things you tell your shrink. Not a business partner.
The point is she lied to me. She doesn't know that i know what REALLY took place in that conversation. She told me that it was another sales meeting and that the "potential client" is interested in the product. I bet he is....


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## Jellybeans

So were you having an affair on her or not? 

She told her colleague you have trust issues with her working with men which is... true. You do. I can understand how you feel slighted she's sharing marital issues with other people who aren't you. That should be a no-no. 

I think the bigger issue here is that you have now learned she's said she wants a "time out" from you. So clearly she doesn't think all is well in the marriage.

The very fact you are spying on her cause you want to be "100000%" sure she's loyal and faithful before having a baby says a lot. 

So my question is... if you had that great concern about her: why did you marry her in the first place?


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## dr.jackyl

I did cheat in my past (cheated on my ex, not my wife!) - i never ever did anything wrong to my wife. Since my wife stepped into my life i'm clean like a whistle. She is the only woman in my life. Period. 
Unfortunately she pretends as if it is the same way - but during the day (when she is working) she is too friendly to others...
I can't confront her cause then i will loose my advantage. I will turn out to be the bad guy. Tricky

I married her because life was good, everything was good but the male friends issue. She agreed to forsake her male friendships for the sake of raising a family. Having many male friends is fine when u r not in a relationship or when u r 22 years old.
But for a 30 year old couple that wants to raise a family - this is not healthy. I truly believe that if a couple want to succeed they have to be 100% in the relationship, concentrating only on themselves.
She agreed, she showed me that she has no more male friends in contact. 
Because i caught her lying to me on little issues i thought she muight be lying on bigger issues - thus started my spying...


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## Jellybeans

Jackyl--I apologize. I misread your first post. I thought you said YOU had done something bad acts/not cheating, but sorta like cheating. Now I see you wrote that SHE did those things. Sorry.

So was it an emotional affair or something that she did before? It's clear you have trust issues with her now since she did something shady in the past.

I think until you actually talk to her about what's on your mind and what you know, you will not get any resolution.


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## dr.jackyl

I think i will wait and use my technological intel till i have a real smoking gun. 
Anyway - thx alot for all the advice.


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## the guy

I just tell my wife "I have a feeling_______" or "my intuition tells me you have a problem with the way I _____"

Never ever reveal you source

When ever she would reply "why do you say that" I would tell her "it something thats inside me" or "we've been married long enough, I just have a feeling". Keep you interigation as general as possible and stay away from specifics.

On ocassion I have used my other friends or people at work as exambles, "this women at work keeps teeling me about her marraige problems, what should I do" 

Being a member of the cheating police, I can tell you I would not beable to keep my sanity if I didn't spy on my wife.

I should of listened to my brother and married the ugliest women I could find, LOL, but I didn't and now that shes cheated I too have little trust for my wife. The thing is I did adrress the "issue's" and she no longer talks about our marriage to others.

You sound tech. savy, now you have to be mind savy, and work this out to your advandage. You have the info now use it for good. These issues have to be addressed for a healtier marriage, but again never reveal your source.

Good luck

In your case you still have an oppertunity to fix things by redoing the things she talks about to others. Granted not the healtiest way to go through a marriage. But in an indirect way she is telling you, she just doesn't know it.

Do you ever meet her associates from work? If you did then you can always say "so and so told me".


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## kelevra

Jackyl, if you don't have kids and it sounds like she has a good job, make a break for it and lawyer up. You'll never be able to keep all that inside and when you do finally blow up it won't be worth it. The more negative things you find through your intel the deeper the hurt and resentment until it will be impossible to forgive or forget. Run while the getting is good, there are plenty more less painful fish in the sea my brother.


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## Whip Morgan

If I were you, I'd stop working on having kids for now. You've caught her lying about serious issues between you two. Serious lack of respect. Also, consider that she seems to be completely disregarding your feelings on her work situation. Are things out of her control? Most likely. She may not be able to choose who she works with, most if us can't. But she is choosing to be friendly ( sounds like flirting) with her coworkers while lying to you about it. Those are red flags in the infidelity board
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT

Why isn't anyone saying that if he has to spy on his wife then their marriage is crap???? 

She isn't doing anything awful....talking about the marriage to someone else, but not even saying anything derogatory. So ya, she should handle her marriage concerns differently.... but for all the spying, that's all you got??? 

Get a divorce. Why bother trying to "save" this?


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## ManDup

True that no one mentioned the spying until now. Also, no one mentioned that emotional affairs (which she is already having) can be just as damaging as physical affairs, and can lead to them.


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## Jellybeans

ManDup said:


> True that no one mentioned the spying until now.


It's in the thread title.


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## SunnyT

Yes, it's in the title, but it seems like everyone just took it like spying is a normal thing to do in a relationship, and not a HUGE issue. There isn't even anything that really makes it an EA. (Maybe ALMOST an EA, which is what? Talking to coworkers about private/marriage stuff?) Just a really insecure husband who doesn't want his wife to work with men. 

Huge problems in the relationship, yes. Maybe she is behaving inappropriately, but so is he. Just a huge ICK all around.


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## Lea2407

> Yes, it's in the title, but it seems like everyone just took it like spying is a normal thing to do in a relationship, and not a HUGE issue. There isn't even anything that really makes it an EA. (Maybe ALMOST an EA, which is what? Talking to coworkers about private/marriage stuff?) Just a really insecure husband who doesn't want his wife to work with men.
> 
> Huge problems in the relationship, yes. Maybe she is behaving inappropriately, but so is he. Just a huge ICK all around.


I completely agree with SunnyT on this. 

You're upset with her because she's unhappy with your marriage, LYING about it, and talking to others about the situation.

You're in a forum, talking about how you're unhappy with your relationship, spying on your wife, and LYING to her about it.

You don't want to tell her that you've been spying because you know that she'll react badly.

Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't talk to you about how she's feeling for the same reason? Especially considering your first response to problems is to bug your wife. That's pretty extreme and also unsettling honestly. Do you not see the double standard here?

On top of which, I agree that you really haven't found any evidence that is too terrible. I don't disagree that she should be talking to you about these problems instead of other people, but I definitely think that unless she does something more inappropriate than what's been going on so far, you're going to regret this.



> I can't confront her cause then i will loose my advantage. I will turn out to be the bad guy.


First of all, your marriage is not a game. If your goal is to always be one up on your wife, both of you are going to lose. Second of all, you can obviously see that you're going to be the bad guy in this situation, so stop while you can before it gets any worse. 

You can't keep your wife locked away in a little cupboard, away from the opposite sex. If she's going to cheat on you, you can't control her. All you can control is your reaction. All of the stress and worrying can't be healthy for you, not to mention your marriage. 

Even though I don't condone lying to your spouse, I highly doubt you're going to be willing to admit that you've been spying on her to such extremes. However, I do think that at the very least you need to find some way to talk to her about BOTH of your issues and probably get some marriage counseling before you're reduced to following 10 paces behind her in a trench coat and sunglasses.


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## smartyblue

I think Sunny T and Lea2407 have valid points. 

You've only been married 18 months and you are spying on her. Where do you go from here? Now that you have started, you can't stop yourself. You are obsessed with tracking her every word, looking for the "GOTCHA!" 

Your marriage is on a path to destruction and here's why: YOU DON'T TRUST HER! How can you freely love someone who is giving you an ulcer? I would certainly NOT tell her that you've been spying on her. Then neither one of you will trust each other. 

Why not suggest some time apart and see what she says? (A long guys weekend perhaps?) I think you both need a break from each other. You need to clear your head.


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## 2xloser

I don't think you need to clear your heads, I think you need serious marriage counseling to figure out why you don't trust each other to the point of spying, why she feels the need to take a break from you now and then -- and why she's compelled to tell other men about this privately. Further, why you'd be attempting to have a child to bring into a marriage in this much trouble and neither of you sees the problem with that (please don't have a child under these conditions).

Get yourself to MC, and get the dialogue going about the state of your marriage on BOTH your parts. It's headed to a bad end on its current path. 

P.S. But although I'd use what you know to get the discussion moving, I would not tell her HOW you know...


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## dr.jackyl

First i'd like to thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
I love my wife. She has a great personality, she is funny, smart, sexy and we love each other dearly.
Trust is not something that falls from the sky - it is a process.
Building trust is very difficult but damaging it is very simple.
As i wrote and i write it again - i don't trust my wife because i have found her lying in several occasions about issues that i consider shady.

I always told my wife:
"When i'm with other women at work i act as if you are next to me. I never flirt, i never reveal personl information, i'm not over friendly."
I expect her to do the same. 

I mean lets be honest here - wouldn't all of you like to know what your partner is really doing or saying when he/she is not with you ?
Wouldn't all of you like to know with whom you realy go to bed at night ?
I have a friend that after 7 years of marriage found out that his wife was having an affair for almost a year behind his back.
I say, with all love & respect we have for one another we always need to keep an eye open.


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## RandomDude

> wouldn't all of you like to know what your partner is really doing or saying when he/she is not with you ?


She calls me up and tells me all the time, even when I don't really care.



> Wouldn't all of you like to know with whom you realy go to bed at night ?


Yes, the one woman who has my trust.

It seems however, that your marriage lacks this, and personally, I would walk. 

Trust is vital for me, if it's not there, there's no love possible, I have a habit of hardening my heart whenever I want to - a mental conditioning from years on the street, to protect myself from my own stupidity such as lovey dovey crap. 

My wife is the only woman who was able to earn it, and the only one I could possibly even think about marrying. All other women I played them and hurt them. I wouldn't even bother with someone who isn't exactly safe hands to invest my heart into.

Your wife has to understand this, and her continuing to lie to you is just damaging your relationship again and again. If she won't make an effort to earn your trust, forget it. I would walk.


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## Jellybeans

I do think the bugging is super paranoid crazy. He has reason to doubt though because she has cheated on him in the past he said.

Definitely don't plan to have kids right now unless you get this matter resolved.

I agree with RD -- if you don't trust her, you will never have a good relationship.


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## Trenton

SunnyT said:


> Why isn't anyone saying that if he has to spy on his wife then their marriage is crap????
> 
> She isn't doing anything awful....talking about the marriage to someone else, but not even saying anything derogatory. So ya, she should handle her marriage concerns differently.... but for all the spying, that's all you got???
> 
> Get a divorce. Why bother trying to "save" this?


Totally agree. This guys insecurities are overwhelming him and most likely based on his lack of respect for his own partners before his wife. I don't see the wife's convo as an emotional affair or even the beginnings of one if that's all he's lifted off of bugging her 24/7. I see a woman who is frustrated with being in a relationship with a possessive, insecure guy.


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## SunnyT

*He has reason to doubt though because she has cheated on him in the past he said.*

No, he said she did some stuff, not quite cheating but almost. Whatever that means. 

If I found out my h was secretly recording me... I'd just leave. No fight, no discussion... I'd never speak another word to him and just be gone.


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## morituri

Am I missing something here?

Since when is it proper for a married woman to share her marital problems with another man other than her husband not considered a danger signal?

dr.jackyl you need to be honest with your wife and let her know that her lying has caused you to lose trust in her and unless the two of you resolve this issue to the satisfaction of both, the marriage has its days numbered.

Why wait for the smoking gun? Nip the trust issues NOW before it is too late.


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## Voyager

Seems to me that you're both being highly disrespectful of your marriage and without some action it will collapse.


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## morituri

Voyager said:


> Seems to me that you're both being highly disrespectful of your marriage and without some action it will collapse.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## dr.jackyl

The point of my post was that I've found out my partner has lied to me in several occasions and shared intimate & personal details about our life - with strangers.
How can i confront her without revealing my methods of knowing ?

I'd just wanna add that i wouldn't mind at all if she was eavesdropping me. I'm very secure about my actions and the way i am with other women.

Indifference is a marriage killer. Feeling secure in a relationship is very important but over security is a problem.
Again, i know about cheating. I have cheated and i've been cheated on. 
We all know that after some years together, kids,mortgage, work, lack of sex & thrills - both sides can turn to outer elements.
It's a slippery slope.

Eavesdropping on your partner can also boost your security and strengthen the relationship because you know that your partner is being true & honest with you.


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## Whip Morgan

dr. jack, 

This needs to be brought up, but how, thats tough. Perhaps you could repeat what she has said about you, but without saying directly "I bugged your bag". Ignore any questions of how you know. 

If you know about cheating, than you know this is the beginning of an EA, if not already one. It is entirely disrespectful and hurtful to your marriage for her to do what she is doing, then lying to you about it. Leads me to believe that there is more she is hiding from you. I've read some posts here from people who criticize your insecurity. Well, I'd be insecure too, if I were in your shoes.


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## dr.jackyl

Just today i called her and she didn't answer.
She sent me a text message "Hey darling, i'm sorry my love i can't answer cause i'm in the middle of writing important emails an need to be in focus, i'll get out in a few minutes."
She was suppose to get out of work and come home.

I turned on the real time listening and heard her talking to 2 colleagues about current news, their kids, and everything else - but work.
After that she talked to this guy about pregnancy, about children, laughing her ass off of evetything he says, Not knowing that i hear every single thing.

Is that cheating ? i don't know. I don't think so. She is being nice and friendly - but lying to me about it!!
It drives me nuts.
And i can't tell her that i know she's lying to me ! I can't tell her:" Honey, i love u , but i know u r lying to me ! "


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## SunnyT

You wrote:* Eavesdropping on your partner can also boost your security and strengthen the relationship because you know that your partner is being true & honest with you. *

If you really believe that, then she should have no problem with the fact that you've bugged her. Just tell her that you are "strengthening the relationship".

You are still not finding anything that she is saying that is "cheating". All you've got is that she isn't on task at work. Maybe she doesn't like you to bother her while she is at work... maybe that is why she tells you she is busy working. And...in most jobs, there is plenty of time just to yap while you are working....people yap with their coworkers. 

I still think the fact that you secretly bug her is reprehensible, and that eavesdropping on your partner is in no way healthy.


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## Jellybeans

SunnyT said:


> You wrote:* Eavesdropping on your partner can also boost your security and strengthen the relationship because you know that your partner is being true & honest with you. *
> 
> If you really believe that, then she should have no problem with the fact that you've bugged her. Just tell her that you are "strengthening the relationship".


I agree with this. If you feel it's helping your relationship, you should have zero qualms with telling her what you are doing.

And no, her laughing and talking about pregnancy with co-workers isn't cheating.

This one is a double-edged sowrd though--he has stated that he feels in the past she did do shady things. 

I still don't like the bugging though.

Jackyll--this is clearly bothering you so ultimately you will have to say something.


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## morituri

The longer that eavesdropping device is in her purse, the stronger the chances of her finding it. If that happens, there will be h*ll to pay.

If you truly value your marriage then remove it. Go to IC (individual counseling) to help you resolve issues of your past cheating when you were single and involved with another woman prior to your wife. Invite your wife to MC (marriage counseling) sessions to help the two of you address and resolve the marital issues that are plaguing your marriage.


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## AFEH

The guy’s wife is a liar and she bad mouths him. At least he knows that. I doubt very much that she’ll ever change even if spent a lifetime trying to change her. I don’t understand why people readily drop their standards, what they expect of others in their lives.


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## morituri

AFEH said:


> The guy’s wife is a liar and she bad mouths him. At least he knows that. I doubt very much that she’ll ever change even if spent a lifetime trying to change her. I don’t understand why people readily drop their standards, what they expect of others in their lives.


Then he has two choices. Either divorce her or seek MC to save and rebuild the marriage. How much proof does he need in order to make a decision?


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Then he has two choices. Either divorce her or seek MC to save and rebuild the marriage.


Pretty much. Those are the only two options. 

Your call, Jackyll.


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## ManDup

morituri said:


> Then he has two choices. Either divorce her or seek MC to save and rebuild the marriage. How much proof does he need in order to make a decision?


Agreed. Waiting around for a smoking gun is ludicrous. Not to mention that the whole thing is probably against federal law.


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## Catherine602

According to apparently realible studies, discussing intimate details of ones relationship with the opitsite sex can lead to an emotional connection. If there are marital problems and a lack of communication between the couple, the 3rd person may take the place of the partner emotionally. 

The fact that your wife blows you off to jawbone with colleagues seem to indicate where her priorities lay. It appears as if you are not as important to her as impressing and enjoying small talk with a group of men. The lying is disturbing because it is so unnecessary, there is no reason not to tell the truth. 

You seem to act as if she has more value than you in the relationship. In other words, you are more worried about losing her than she is losing you. The inequality makes you hesitate to con confront her. In essence, you would rather that she disrespect you than risk losing her by demanding her respect and attention. 

Is your self respect worth so little? You don't sound like a light-weight why are you acting like one? No one is worth the kind of life you are living now. You are reduced to spying on a women who should have your back at all times, put you first, enjoy hearing from you, want you to think well of her, share her inner most thoughts and plans. You should be one of the most important people in her life.

I think your marriage is on life support and you are living a shadow life - focused so much on her every word and deed that you have no time to live your life. This is not good for you and tgat is why you must shut it down and confront her. You have fabricated a prison for yourself bounded by her words, deeds and lies. You now know what you are dealing with, either confront her with a plan for improving your marriage or let this relationship go. 

I dont know why you couldnt talk to her about what you know with out telling her how you know. One of her co-workers might have mentioned it, she can't know that it is not so. 

Think about what you have become and what you were before you met this woman. If there is a big negative difference than ask yourself if you want to stay in this place. You have the answers and the power to change this situation. You just gave away you power to your lying wife. What a person to appoint as steward of your most precious personal asset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Marriage counseling , both of you are off the rails. 

If you have to bring up what you have learned eavesdropping try setting up a new email and email yourself what you know anonymously. Tell her you don't know who its from. I'm guessing this is all going to back fire. She evidently doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth about even little things. How long has this behavior been going on? Why are you so freaked out? 

Good luck


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## Lea2407

> Not to mention that the whole thing is probably against federal law.


This is exactly right. Unless you are one part of the conversation or have consent, it's illegal. 

The only grey area is for conversations that you might naturally overhear, for example, people talking loudly in a crowded restaurant. However, even this isn't 100% legal. 

So, if your wife finds out and is mad enough, she could press charges, especially since she will have physical evidence of the listening device. You just better hope she doesn't find out you've been bragging about it in writing on a public forum. 

Honestly, you need to get help for your issues. Your wife may not be a saint, but the ridiculousness of how you handled the situation (and how you try to rationalize your illegal and creepy behavior) completely overshadows anything she's doing wrong.


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## shibuya

Is Dr Jackyl from the U.S ? Bugging might not be illegal where he is from. Regardless, to me it seems a very bad move. I'm surprised some people were encouraging him to continue. 

I don't think your wife has done anything wrong, the conversations are quite innocent, and she covered up the details because she knew you'd over-react.


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## disappointed123

dr.jackyl said:


> Just today i called her and she didn't answer.
> She sent me a text message "Hey darling, i'm sorry my love i can't answer cause i'm in the middle of writing important emails an need to be in focus, i'll get out in a few minutes."
> She was suppose to get out of work and come home.
> 
> I turned on the real time listening and heard her talking to 2 colleagues about current news, their kids, and everything else - but work.
> After that she talked to this guy about pregnancy, about children, laughing her ass off of evetything he says, Not knowing that i hear every single thing.
> 
> Is that cheating ? i don't know. I don't think so. She is being nice and friendly - but lying to me about it!!
> It drives me nuts.
> And i can't tell her that i know she's lying to me ! I can't tell her:" Honey, i love u , but i know u r lying to me ! "


I would cut it out.. I dont think she is 'cheating' at all. I BS at work all the time and dont answer calls from my wife. True - I dont tell her I am 'busy answering emails' I just tell her I am BSing with co-workers..


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## disappointed123

shibuya said:


> Is Dr Jackyl from the U.S ? Bugging might not be illegal where he is from. Regardless, to me it seems a very bad move. I'm surprised some people were encouraging him to continue.
> 
> I don't think your wife has done anything wrong, the conversations are quite innocent, and she covered up the details because she knew you'd over-react.


I agree.. If she is in high-tech sales (I think thats what I read) her job is to schmooze clients. Schmoozing can include talking about your personal life... I think the snooping is very unhealthy unless you find a completely valid reason to do so. If she cheated in the past - you snooped to find it - then you should have nipped all of that in the bud and be done with it.

If the worst she has done is called you a dork in what she thought was privacy - then I would chill out with this. If you havent found anything much worse than that, you should just cut it out. You know she works with a bunch of men, you have always known that. If it bothered you that much - you should have never gotten married.


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## Entropy3000

Being high tech sales does not mean talking about your marriage in a negative light to others while schmoozing. It would not involve for sure the putting down of ones own spouse. It would be fine to mention that one has children and a wonderful husband who likes a certain hobby. But nothing negative. Negative comments just open her up to be hit on and indicate she may be interested.

So no this is not normal or something to accept. I have knowledge in this area.


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## CLucas976

Ok. I really don't get this.

You think that trust is something that is built, so you married a woman you didn't trust and bugged her bag to make you trust her more?

I talk to my coworkers about my life, from my animals, to my coffee, to my marriage, to a tv show I watched. Do I go into extreme details? no. 

But it is not uncommon for a person to seek out ideas or relation (such as, oh yeah, I've gone through that too) or advice from their peers.

It's also not uncommon for people to joke about home life with each other either.

it IS uncommon to stuff a recording device in your wife's bag to listen to her every move. If you're looking for something to upset you you're GOING to find it, period. Even if it isn't even something that should be a concern.

I so wanted that smoking gun before I left, I so wanted a key logger and to pretend to go to work and pull a stake out, catch him in the act of something..anything to validate my need to leave. but you know what, I never let myself sink to that level, because if it is THAT bad, its time to go.

All that smoking gun is going to do is hurt you more, and who really wants MORE pain?

You don't trust her, and you don't want to trust her. you're justifying what you know is wrong in every post. I think it's time for you to walk and get into some counseling for your trust issues.

It still doesn't sound to me like she did anything actually "wrong" but more like you're looking for a reason to leave, so just do it.


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## that_girl

She was talking to other men about things and you spied on her? She can't talk to other people?

I don't get it.

You will drive yourself crazy. If you can't trust her, why are you with her?


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## that_girl

ManDup said:


> True that no one mentioned the spying until now. Also, no one mentioned that emotional affairs (which she is already having) can be just as damaging as physical affairs, and can lead to them.


So no one who is married can talk to anyone of the opposite sex ever about anything?

:scratchhead:

I don't see this as EAs...poor woman. She can't even have conversations or anything without her husband knowing. I'd be sick if my husband did this. Not because I have anything to hide but because it would show how little he trusted me.


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## PBear

Obviously we're all having emotional affairs on this website, talking to people of the opposite sex about our marital issues... 

I agree on the sympathizing with the woman in this case. The spying is awful, and has shown nothing extraordinary. She should "go bananas on his ass", as he said.

C


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## Rafaelinan

I guess the saying "Thinkers are doers." will go well for this scenario. Yeah you cheated with your ex girlfriend but not with your wife, don't you think you're just somehow scared that karma might be on its way? I guess you just don't wanna be cheated on how you cheated before. Your wife deserves some privacy man, it's not mentally healthy that you spy on her and listen to every conversation she does. Trust is very vital in a relationship, without it I don't think you're going the right way.


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## Undertheradar

Hey, I'm not sure if you realize this.....
But YOU"RE doing the very thing that has you upset about your wife!!
You're on this board, talking to many people of the opposite sex, about your problems.

Now that I got that out of the way....

Here's how I really feel.

I think you have SERIOUS ISSUES!!!

I think you're totally obsessed with your wife, and will ultimately lose her. I think your spying can lead to nothing other than the worse case scenario, and you will eventually slip up, and lead her onto what you've been doing.
You sound like a stalker, and should really take a step back, and do some self evaluating.

Why are you with her?
Do you love her?
Is she everything you could ask for as a wife?
Does she make you feel good, or do you feel that she's a trophy wife?
I could go on and on.

Back off, sometimes the least you know is the best.

Let her come home and be a good wife to you. If your relationship is not to your liking, then the issues are far beyond a few meaningless conversations with co-workers.

Maybe the woman is simply not happy..... and maybe it has a lot to do with how much you smother her.

Back off, let her want to be with you, and if that doesn't happen, then I think you should ask yourself why.

OH, and BTW...... I once did what she's doing. It was many years ago, and I was in a long relationship. I did it because I wanted to get some of my ill feelings about my relationship, off my chest.

Dude... Your wife is not happy, and she's looking to talk to someone.

Maybe you should start a converstaion with her, something like this......

I feel as if you're not happy with me. Can we talk about it? I'd like to know where our marriage stands.
You might be surprised at what she says.
Just my .02 cents.


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## turmoil

First, please understand I can recognize these behaviors in others because I have experienced them before. Me calling them out is not a judgment or moral arrogance.

I have to point out, however, that you are proposing to solve a problem of trust with deceit (lying to her about how you came across the information), and your cycle will continue. There's not much more to it than that. When confronting her (and you should bring up the issue), you have to be honest about what you have been doing. *Be the person you want to be with.* If you expect honesty from her, give it yourself. Admit your mistake, and be prepared for the consequences. They may not be what you want, but taking another track just delays the inevitable. You have a better chance of gaining trust with *thoughtful, gentle, honesty.* 

I agree that we behave better if something holds us accountable. That's why we have communities. That's why rules are made. I behave better when my boss is at work. Look at me, I'm currently on a relationship site. However, bugging your wife is unacceptable behavior/a violation of privacy. You don't own her. She is not yours. You can only change yourself. For accountability, there are options that are reasonable. For instance, you have the option of surprising her at work (not obsessively), but do it because you care about her and genuinely want to see her. Don't do it to catch her doing something wrong. A side benefit is that you will have the element of surprise, thus improving accountability. Please do not misread that as stalking her. In addition, people become what you tell them they are. Provided the rest of the cores of your relationship are there, trust her and she will want to be trustworthy. This does not mean let her walk all over you. Tell her how it makes you feel when she spends that much time with other men emotionally. Tell her your beliefs. Don't force her to have yours, but let her know how it makes you feel. But never shame her. Educate.

Last, acknowledge your instincts, they are there for a reason. This does not mean she is nuts, a *****, or cheating. It means something is wrong somewhere and it needs to be addressed. Feelings are like the dashboard lights on our car, they don't control us/car, but they signal there is an issue we have to get to the bottom of. If we ignore them/hide them/cover them up, the problem gets worse but may just kill the engine. And the problem will keep happening again and again and again. And as long as you hide the feeling [ignore the dashboard light], the engine will seize up again, and you'll never know what the issue is. "Geez, all these cars suck." Nope. Turns out you've been putting diesel in your car. But you'll never know if you never address it. 

Best of luck.


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## JAYBLACK973

spying on your spouse is never good. i've been there several times. it just gets worst. my wife confronted me about it and i had to be honest and tell her the truth. you need a heck of a lot more trust in your marriage my friend..


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## Undertheradar

FWIW.... I spied on my wife when I thought she having an affair. I did it a total of three times. each conversation she had, revolved around wanting to leave me.
That was six months ago.
She's still here, the recorder is gone, and she's doing as much as she can to help save our marriage.

I guess, what you hear today, may not be what actually happens tomorrow.


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## Therealbrighteyes

PBear said:


> Obviously we're all having emotional affairs on this website, talking to people of the opposite sex about our marital issues...
> 
> I agree on the sympathizing with the woman in this case. The spying is awful, and has shown nothing extraordinary. She should "go bananas on his ass", as he said.
> 
> C


I was going to say that as well. I guess we are ALL having EA's then because we are all here talking about our marital problems. My husband knows about this site but how many of you don't tell your spouse? Hmmmmm. 
This woman is doing nothing different than what we do here. He is paranoid and needs to divorce.


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## PBear

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I was going to say that as well. I guess we are ALL having EA's then because we are all here talking about our marital problems. My husband knows about this site but how many of you don't tell your spouse? Hmmmmm.
> This woman is doing nothing different than what we do here. He is paranoid and needs to divorce.


Stop talking to me! I have a reputation to worry about!

Oh, wait... I'm separated. Carry on...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

I think there is alot to be said about carring your self like your spouse is always next to you is a good and healthy way to live. It's to bad the Dr. wife doesn't feel the same way.

I also think the bug is a gold mine and would never ever take it out, no matter how on healthy it is for the marriage.

Sorry guys its just classic.....I mean how many of you would deep down love to have this kind of oppertuneity? Even better, how many would love to find out that your spouse is behaving like their SO was right next to them and you could take out the bug?

This bug will for sure build a pile of resentment, thats for sure!


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## disappointed123

the guy said:


> I think there is alot to be said about carring your self like your spouse is always next to you is a good and healthy way to live. It's to bad the Dr. wife doesn't feel the same way.
> 
> I also think the bug is a gold mine and would never ever take it out, no matter how on healthy it is for the marriage.
> 
> Sorry guys its just classic.....I mean how many of you would deep down love to have this kind of oppertuneity? Even better, how many would love to find out that your spouse is behaving like their SO was right next to them and you could take out the bug?
> 
> This bug will for sure build a pile of resentment, thats for sure!


There is also this weird thing called 'privacy' and 'trust'...


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## the guy

She already dissed him once she lost her right to privacy. Whats wrong with protecting your self by confirming your spouse commitmnet to the marriage.

Hell, there married she should have nothing to hide.

The only privacy my WW gets is closing the door for the restroom.

OK, back to point......
If you want to confront your wife about the things you heard from your super secret spy phone then just tell her its you intuition or a feeling you have. Do you think for one second she would think in a million years that you bugged her purse?


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## Catherine602

Where is Dr. J maybe he switched to Mr. Hyde - he'll be back I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

disappointed123 said:


> There is also this weird thing called 'privacy' and 'trust'...


There is also transparency and no secrets in committed partners.
Trust comes from a partners transparency and it associated continued faithful behavior.

I trust my wife because she demonstrates her character daily and is transparent. We do not have secrets. If my wife started to be secretive I would lose trust. My love for her woild make we want to find out what is going on because she means the world to me.


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## PM1

I think that bugging my wife would be the last step I would take if I was out the door anyway and just needed more confirmation that it was the thing to do, although that's not to say that would be a healthy approach. Seems that when the concept of bugs comes up, things are on the way out.

I agree that once the bug is there, you will never get rid of it. It's like a reality show or car wreck, it's human nature to watch (or listen). 

Not to add to the dysfunction, but if I had to confront my wife about something like this (assuming I was going to perpetuate the lie about the bug) and I was using insider information, I might try to say a friend happened to be at the restaurant where she was with the client/coworker and overheard the conversation. 

Good luck, seems like it is needed.


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## BYOB

I am going to bump this cause it relates...

A quick backstory:
My wife cheated on me when we were engaged
I cheated on her when we were married
Things were very rough early on obviously and we had major trust issues

At this point you are probably saying to yourself, "what the hell are these two still doing together?" Well...love is love and sometimes it sucks.

Things have been great (as far as I know) for over 2 years
We have 2 little girls

So now...
My wife has always had guy friends which I didn't have too much of an issue with. She relates to guys better because she doesn't really get along with girls all that well. Anyway, she has had this guy friend for quite some time, he was a friend to her when I cheated on her. No big deal...so now I know they have been talking...a lot, more than usual. 30 minutes at a time and it is always when I am at work. The other day I read one of her texts and she told this guy that we were in marriage counseling (which we are not and haven't been in over 2 years) and that I was being a jerk to her in counseling and basically blaming the marriage problems on her. So in other words, she lied to this guy about our relationship and more or less made me look like an a-hole.

Now yes, I do realize I am an a-hole for going through her phone, I do feel guilty about it, but I had a gut feeling that something was up. She is a compulsive liar and wouldn't give up anything if I went to her with my feelings. So I had to check to find out what/if anything was going on. 

How do I bring this up? She is the type that will totally turn this around on me for spying on her and gloss over the fact that she did something wrong. Do I ignore it (which I most often do with problems in life and will probably someday kill me)?

Any advice/thoughts/etc you guys may have is appreciated, even if it is negative!


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## tacoma

Honestly some of the people complaining about the bug in his wifes bag are the same people who immediately advocate using a VAR in a spouses car if infidelity is suspected.

I don`t see the difference.

Granted the OP seems more than a little paranoid about his wife which ironically seems to be the problem she has with him.

He`s creating his own self-fullfilling prophecy.

I would bug my wife's bag if I had good reason to believe she was betraying me BUT if my suspicions didn't pan out in a week or so I`d remove it.


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## tacoma

BYOB said:


> Any advice/thoughts/etc you guys may have is appreciated, even if it is negative!


I`d simply ask her what was up with the BS story she was giving this guy.
You`re married to her, her phone isn't off limits to you and I don`t understand why so many people think it is.

I am in my wife's phone all the time.
If I were to come across a text like the one you describe I`d immediately have it out with her.

That`s what you should do.

However I want you to know that I think the only reason she`s telling him this BS is because she`s setting the stage for a closer relationship with this guy so perhaps you might want to chill and snoop around some more to see what`s going on.


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## AFEH

BYOB, it’s your duty to protect not only yourself but also your marriage from harm. Many harmful things are brought to our attention through our gut instinct and intuition. It’s nature's way of telling us something is wrong and we need to be mindful about it.

In the normal course of events you’d just tell your wife your thoughts in the hope that she’ll put your mind at rest. But you have a wife who is a compulsive liar so being straight up and honest with her simply wont work. As an aside honesty is one of the cornerstones of a healthy marriage. As you do not have honesty in your marriage it is a very unhealthy one.

Do not be concerned about snooping. But what you need to do is gather hard, solid evidence about whatever is going on with your wife. If all you bring up is circumstantial stuff (the 30 minute phone call is circumstantial, the contents of the call is solid evidence) then your wife will lead you on a merry dance of lies, deceits, blame shifting, denials etc.

You may want to post in the Coping with Infidelity forum, loads of specifics there about voice activated recorders etc.


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## AFEH

wifeofhusband said:


> I would be really annoyed as I work with highly confidential material that is exchanged verbally.
> 
> *No good ever comes from eves-dropping.* You will hear things you don't like. If I found out my husband had bugged my bag or office, I would be really hurt and would be questioning his need to do that and what that said about our marriage.


Totally wrong.


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## jodyb

I disagree with some of the posters here though everyone has the right intentions.

Just keep bugging her and don't let her know that you know what's going on. Don't confront her or anything.

It's not good to flirt but until she crosses the line you are essentially ok. 

If you let her know now that you have been bugging her she will get the bug out and you will never know what's going on. Right now you have her on a short leash and know everything she does. This is good. Keep it that way.

If she does break the marriage code of ethics, and commits adultery you are entirely in control of the situation right away and can act clearly as to what are you next steps. This is a control play and based on your wife's behavior it's good to have control of the situation.

DOn't agonize over the situation. Just let it play out.


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## Dexter Morgan

dr.jackyl said:


> The problem is i can't confront her. I can't tell her that i know she said this and that - but some of the things she tells them are seating heavily on my heart and cause me not to sleep at night.


What exactly was said? And do you have a recording of it?

And if its something that clearly oversteps serious boundaries, of course you can tell her. You bugged her bag because you obviously had reason to believe she isn't trustworthy. 

But really, what was it?


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## Dexter Morgan

dr.jackyl said:


> we are married for a year and a half now. Don't have kids yet but working on it.


Ok, if what she is saying to these men are on the line of fishing for hookups, or telling them she is attracted to them, etc, and you don't have kids, then my advice would be to get out while the getting is still good. Once you have kids, its too difficult, doable still, but difficult.

If she is complaining about you to other men that is a signal to them that she is open for a suggestion. This won't get better with time. The longer she is married the more bored with the committed life she will become.

I'd say you have a fickle woman on your hands that you need to dump.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Apparently your definition of "friendly" and hers are not the same.

That doesn't mean she is doing anything.

And what does being a hottie have to do with it? This sounds to me more that YOU are insecure and it's nothing to do with what she is/isn't doing.

How much stress do you think this is causing you, along with a million scenarios you are creating in your own mind, from listening in to all her conversations?

How about if she bugged you without you knowing it? How would you feel about it?

I had trust issues, which I discovered, were more about ME than about my husband...as I aged I became insecure - it was me projecting all my insecurities on him and pointing the finger at him so he could be at fault instead of me - because I was at fault.

Once I got a handle on "myself", guess what? I became a secure person again - once that happened, I was no longer suspicious and suspecting of my husband and guess who feels the best about that - that's right - ME - I was driving my own self crazy, didn't have to worry about the hubby doing it, I was doing it to myself.

If you cannot trust your wife, then you really don't have a marriage that is meaningful - just one on paper.


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