# Husband not interested



## Needmore41 (Jan 17, 2016)

I've been married for 20 years and have always had a high sex drive. My husband has a low sex drive. It seems that lately we only have sex if I initiate. I feel like it's a chore for him. How do I tell him I need more? I want to feel wanted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. Clearly it's not a good situation for you.

This topic tends to be hard for women to deal with because we are taught that all men want sex all the time. So if a woman's husband does not want sex, the woman assumes that there is surely something wrong with her. 

As it turns out, men are as likely to withhold sex, or not want sex in marriage as women are.

This is about him, not you.

The first thing that needs to be isolated is if he has low T or other physical issues that are hampering his desire for sex. Ask him to see a doctor and get tested. 

If it turns out that it's not a low hormone or other physical issue, it's in his head.

There is a good book that talks about this subject. One of the things that I found very helpful is that it gives the reasons that men reported that they did not want sex with their wives. It is generally due to a passive aggressive way that the men handle anger and/or resentment.

I highly recommend that you read the book as a way to start figuring out what's going on.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It  by Bob Berkowitz & Susan Yager-Berkowitz


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Needmore41 said:


> I've been married for 20 years and have always had a high sex drive. My husband has a low sex drive. It seems that lately we only have sex if I initiate. I feel like it's a chore for him. How do I tell him I need more? I want to feel wanted.


Your low-desire husband need to meet my low-desire wife. You and me get together; problem solved!

But seriously. Since you and I are in the same proverbial boat, I have no readily-available answers for you. I can tell you what I've tried, though:

I have tried to simply accept her low desire and deal with it. My dissatisfaction with this solution comes and goes in waves. Some months I'm okay with it, and some months it drives me bananas.

I have tried to initiate intimacy regularly myself. The problem is that when she's very clearly not into it, and is just laying there waiting for me to finish, that is not enjoyable for me. I would rather just not be intimate with her at all if that's what she's willing to give to me. I don't want pity sex.

I have tried sitting down with her and trying to get to the root of the problem. I don't think she perceives a lack of intimacy as a problem. She's fine with it. Only when I complain about it does it become a hot-button topic.

I have tried scheduling "date nights" with the understanding that they could lead to romantic encounters. She went along with it for a few weeks and then they fizzled up into nothingness.

I have tried doing more around the house. She has been under stress, which I have read can lead to a low libido. So, I do most of the chores, take care of the kids and the cats, and let her chill out on the couch and disappear into a Hallmark channel original movie. I expect to be rewarded for my efforts eventually, but it never happens.

I have tried seeking out a forum such as this for advice. There are people with a great deal of experience in these matters who are extremely helpful. There are also people who are tired of giving advice and are bitter and jaded, but continue to dole out responses anyway. You'll quickly learn to tell them apart.

I do sincerely wish you the best of luck. Do let me know if you come across a solution that works for you.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
sadly a lot of people (including me) are in situations like this, and it rarely gets better. The HD person feels constantly rejected, the LD constantly pressured. I agree with all Eligirl posted.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Has your husband always had a low sex drive or just more recently? When you say lately you only have sex if you initiate, how long of a period are you talking about?


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## FamilyGuy (Aug 2, 2009)

I feel your pain. I'm also in the same boat (I just posted "Misery loves company". How recently is "lately"? Has there been some sort of event, or gradual event, that has led up to this? Were things different before?


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## hodberta (Jan 25, 2016)

I agree with all Eligirl posted.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've tried to communicate that very message every way short of using Mandarin Chinese. Nothing has worked with mine and I seriously doubt anything would. I can accept it or leave. You have some advantages going. He can't physically perform unless he's aroused, so it can't be that much of a chore for him. Also, it sounds like he plays ball as long as you toss out the first pitch. At least he's still in the game. A bunch of folks on this forum could spin straw into gold and they still aren't getting laid and in many cases no other form of affection. You could try talking to him, encouraging him, counseling, etc. You could also focus on what you do have and be grateful. After 20 years with the same guy, you can still get him going. If he's not naturally the biggest horn dog in the world, that's not entirely bad. You could have a guy who initiates with you and with twenty other women.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Needmore41 said:


> I've been married for 20 years and have always had a high sex drive. My husband has a low sex drive. It seems that lately we only have sex if I initiate. I feel like it's a chore for him. How do I tell him I need more? I want to feel wanted.


How? Look him in the face and say, " I need more sex. I want to feel wanted."

Seriously, lots of good advice unless you H really is LD. If that is the case and you love him and want to stay married, you are going to have learn that he may really enjoy sex, but just not as often as you do.

You might want to try being a little less co-dependent on his sexual/emotional validation of you. You might take a hand (so to speak) in your own sexual pleasuring. While you may feel like initiation is a chore, I would wager, if he is LD, that he feels like trying to keep up with you sexually is a choir.

Folks just don't seem to understand that the LD partner may love sex, love sex with their spouse, just at a different frequency than the HD partner wants. They aren't broken or in need of being fixed. I am the HD partner in my 44+ year marriage. With the help of a sex therapist we have negotiated a frequency of twice a week and that seems to be something we can both live with.

My wife has told me not to touch her "there" as it will make her want to have sex with me and although she enjoys it she doesn't want to have sex today. That is what LD looks like. They enjoy sex. They know you enjoy sex. They know that if they start they will enjoy it, but they don't want to. It is not so much about them wanting to deny or hurt you as their just not that interested in doing it that often. 

Think of how much you may love ice cream and how much your H might. Even though it is good, you might not want it tonight, every night, or every other night.. Sometimes you like things very much but don't want them all the time.

Good luck to you.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Needmore41 said:


> I've been married for 20 years and have always had a high sex drive. My husband has a low sex drive. It seems that lately we only have sex if I initiate. I feel like it's a chore for him. How do I tell him I need more? I want to feel wanted.


While there are differences between men and women as to the reasons for LD, I think the causes of the LD in men is much easier to fix. Many factors contribute to LD: stress, hormonal changes (low free testosterone), gaining weight, lack of physical exercise, diabetes, performance anxiety, BPH (enlarged prostate), high cholesterol, etc. These are common in men starting after 40 years of age.

You didn't mention anything that has changed health wise throughout the course of the last 20 years. I would suggest communication with your husband about this, and pray, for the sake of marriage fulfillment that he will listen to you without getting defensive. Communication requires tact to say the least, and you two should agree going into any talk that being able to be frank with each other without getting angry is a must for having a successful and happy marriage. 

If you can talk to him, I would suggest that he see a doctor, get blood work done, and see if there are any health issues first. Those can be treated, whether by a family doctor or a urologist or both. I would even suggest to his family doctor that he prescribe a ED drug such as Cialis, Viagra, or Levitra, if his health is okay with it. Heck, most doctors have free samples that they will let you try. They are expensive, so you may get discouraged if money is an issue. Remember, there are online pharmacies that some of the posters on TAM use and swear by, and are much less expensive.

Marriage is so much more fulfilling when BOTH spouses can have a great sex life. That intimacy is a large part of staying emotionally connected, in my opinion.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Does he watch porn. From what I've read, porn addicts have problems having sex with their wives-- real woman is not enough for them...

If not, HD and LD make for a rough marriage.


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