# Giving it one more try



## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

I have posted my story before and also asked for success stories for those who are like me and have gone years without true intimacy (over 5 in my case). A few had success in reigniting passion but not many. We have been married for over 20 years and had a passionate and loving marriage for many years. Over 5 years ago my wife just withdrew and I was given no reason. The lack of emotional and physical intimacy has been very painful, to say the least. 

We tried counseling but my wife was always resistant. She is originally from Asia but came here as a teenager. She was emotionally abused by a relative and this is definitely a factor. Part of her resistance to counseling in the past was definitely cultural and the counseling was always short-lived. I have told her I would not continue like this forever and have talked about divorce. She says she loves me and does not want a divorce. Why have I stayed in such a lonely situation? Mainly for family and financial reasons. There have been serious illnesses in close family members and I just did not feel I could handle the stress of divorce. Financially it would have been difficult too. I did not want to make an ultimatum that I was not prepared to follow through on. The kids are now out of the house. Another reason for staying is that I need to determine for myself if I think my wife loves me.

To that end, I asked her to go to counseling again. This will be the last time. If there is no progress, it will be time for us to separate and find happiness elsewhere. My wife agreed to counseling with no hesitation, a good sign. In the past, she seemed to act as if the lack of intimacy was no problem, even a normal part of couples getting older. I told her that I definitely don't see it that way and I don't feel we have a normal or healthy marriage. I think she now sees that the lack of closeness is very unhealthy.

I did some homework this time. I found a male therapist (which my wife prefers) and one who is Gottman certified. I have read some of John Gottman's books and find his approach to marriage counseling the most sensible of anything I have seen and backed up with research. We went to one session and it was good. My wife was more open and less resistant than I have ever seen her. 

I will not get my hopes up. I am cautiously optimistic, that is all. But I also have fears. Even if my wife agrees to intimacy again (something I must have to feel closeness and love), will I be able to feel close to her again after so much rejection? Can I be a good lover like I was before? The pain of seeing your partner drift away has been like nothing I have ever experienced before. When you have invested so much in a person, you want to give it every shot to make it work. But that has to be balanced with the need for happiness and fulfillment. I have been anything but happy for all these years. 

I am not looking for immediate results from counseling but progress needs to be made. I like the counselor and my wife does too. But it is going to take a lot of hard work. Ultimately, it will only work if both partners are committed. I think that is the key ingredient to any success story.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

I consider mine to be a "success story". Sex slowed down to a trickle, our longest stretch was 9 months without any sexual contact. Now we are having regular sex 2x per week for the past 7 years or so.

The key to our change is that I found my voice and stopped dancing around the issue, walking on eggshells, concerned that I might "hurt" her with the truth, which is that I was miserable and contemplating divorce or an affair. Finally I spoke up and got honest with her and myself, that I cannot stay in a sexless marriage. There is nothing wrong with this admission, in fact I'd call it a completely normal position. The good thing is my sex drive is strong enough for the both of us, so all she needed to do is just play along and let her responsive desire kick in.

My advice: during your next counseling session, look directly into your wife's eyes and tell her (with love and compassion) that you *need* a sexual partner and miss her closeness, without which the marriage will absolutely die or you will wind up cheating on her. Don't sugar coat this message. She needs to hear the truth. If this seems like a harsh ultimatum, the fact is your marriage has no future and she needs to know this. You are fighting to save your marriage. Because if you don't do this, anybody with a normal sex drive would wind up cheating or divorcing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

tommyr said:


> The good thing is my sex drive is strong enough for the both of us, so *all she needed to do is just play along and let her responsive desire kick in*.


Is it still this way?


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

My advice: during your next counseling session, look directly into your wife's eyes and tell her (with love and compassion) that you *need* a sexual partner and miss her closeness, without which the marriage will absolutely die or you will wind up cheating on her.


I like this advice and I will do that. The marriage counselor is also going to meet with us each separately at some point. I hope that he will emphasize to my wife the importance of intimacy in a marriage. Of course I have told her many times how important it is to me but it will be helpful to hear it from a third party, a neutral independent authority source, so to speak.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

Married but not happy said:


> My advice: during your next counseling session, look directly into your wife's eyes and tell her (with love and compassion) that you *need* a sexual partner and miss her closeness, without which the marriage will absolutely die or you will wind up cheating on her.


"You better have sex with me, or I'll leave you or cheat on you!"

That's not going to get her heart into it.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

lexis said:


> "You better have sex with me, or I'll leave you or cheat on you!"
> 
> That's not going to get her heart into it.



You are right about that. I was not going to say anything about cheating and should have mentioned that. But it is important to get out there that the marriage will not survive without intimacy, which really means divorce. One of the reasons we are in counseling is to understand each other better. I need to know if my wife understands my need for intimacy, the strong emotional need I have for it, without which I cannot be happy. I can tell her myself and have many times but she just doesn't get that. 

If my wife doesn't care about my happiness, then she doesn't love me. And if she doesn't love me, then why stay together? These are things I hope to find out in counseling. Although some may disagree, it has been said many times that a man's number one need is sexual fulfillment and I could not agree more. That does not mean I would leave my wife for not being intimate, if it was for a medical or health reason. But not being intimate because she is not in the mood or just doesn't need it anymore, well that is not going to work for me anymore. 

What I hope to get most out of counseling is an understanding on my part of whether I think my wife loves me, not just cares about me, but loves me like a spouse should. If she does love me, then things will improve. If not, that is important information too. And by the way, I know that counseling is for the both of us. I plan on making improvements on myself as well and show her my commitment to her. I can compromise on intimacy in terms of how often but no intimacy at all (which I have dealt with for years) will no longer be acceptable. It is too important to the happiness of our marriage (at least I feel that way).


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

lexis said:


> "You better have sex with me, or I'll leave you or cheat on you!"
> 
> That's not going to get her heart into it.


Not in exactly those words, but Yes that is exactly the message I delivered to my wife. I did this not as an ultimatum, but because it was the absolute truth. I was NOT going to stay celibate and married to her. And I owed it to her to tell her this important message. In our case, this was sufficient to snap her out of the fog she was in. I think alot of wives do not fully grasp the seriousness of rejecting sex with their husbands. Much better to let such a wife know EXACTLY what will happen (divorce or cheating) right? If the marriage is already at the brink of ending, why sugar coat the truth?


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

tommyr said:


> Not in exactly those words, but Yes that is exactly the message I delivered to my wife. I did this not as an ultimatum, but because it was the absolute truth. I was NOT going to stay celibate and married to her. And I owed it to her to tell her this important message. In our case, this was sufficient to snap her out of the fog she was in. I think alot of wives do not fully grasp the seriousness of rejecting sex with their husbands. Much better to let such a wife know EXACTLY what will happen (divorce or cheating) right? If the marriage is already at the brink of ending, why sugar coat the truth?


I agree that many wives do not get it because they do not understand that physical intimacy is also an emotional need, in fact the most important emotional need for a man. Asking a man to go without it is like asking him to go without love.

I hear what you are saying about putting it differently. I am sure the word cheating was never used. Simply saying that "if you don't want to care about my happiness, then maybe someone else will" will suffice. For me that would mean divorce. I am certainly not judgmental of others because divorce is not always an option. Divorce may seem like the "nuclear option" but if it is not on the table, perhaps the withholding spouse will just never "get it".


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

My entire point is this: I realized my marriage was already over. And in that context, acknowledging the inevitable divorce or affair is somewhat redundant, and certainly not a scandal. The whole thing came as a big surprise to my wife, who was clueless and would have been happy to go on sexlessly forever. I removed that option, because I could not do that.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

tommyr said:


> My entire point is this: I realized my marriage was already over. And in that context, acknowledging the inevitable divorce or affair is somewhat redundant, and certainly not a scandal. The whole thing came as a big surprise to my wife, who was clueless and would have been happy to go on sexlessly forever. I removed that option, because I could not do that.



That makes perfect sense. I am glad it worked out. That is what I was alluding to in terms of finding out how my wife really feels. If I am important enough to her and she truly loves me, she will see what intimacy means to me and how I cannot continue to go on without it. It is what I hope to discover through counseling.


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