# Privacy vs Secrecy



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Instead of hijacking other threads, I thought I would start one separately.

I see a lot of comments that no one should want privacy in their marriage. I'm not sure if I agree with that. I think no one should want secrecy, if you are doing or saying something that you wouldn't want your partner to see or know about, then that is secrecy.

Privacy in things like posting here (my husband knows I do, some people's partners don't), or things like talking on the phone to a friend or emailing them. It's not that you're hiding anything from your partner, but I still think you have a right to your own privacy in a relationship.

I would never hide anything if my husband asked to see something, because I have nothing to hide. But I believe I am, and he is, entitled to privacy on the phone or in other instances as a human being. But we trust each other, and in cases where you don't trust your spouse, privacy would be seen as suspicious so I understand that thought process.

What are others thoughts? Do you believe in a marriage there should be no want for privacy? Do you give your partner theirs?


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## Alice in Wonderland (Apr 15, 2012)

Me and my husband have no privacy; we know everything about each other. No secret, no drama. We dont need any privacy, because theres nothing to hide. Less trouble, less misunderstanding for us 

For us, anything we try to hide from each other / what we dont want our spouse to know = cheating.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I like your point about privacy versus secrecy however sometimes the two blur together if trust has been compromised. Like for me, it became difficult for me to distinguish one from the other. FWIW my partner does give me privacy, but he has access to see what I'm up to (TAM, FB) at anytime. He doesn't check, except over the shoulder just to see what I'm up to sometimes. I, as the trust damaged one, tend to check up more often. But there isn't much to see. I guess that's good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I think everyone is entitled to privacy, regardless of if their married or not. If trust has been broken then obviously reassurance of no wrongdoing needs to be put forward in order to help the other spouse heal. 

But things I say to girlfriends, or even write on here, it's not affecting my husband. It's not derogatory towards him or affecting our relationship. I like my privacy as my own person to do my own thing, just as he does his. Like I said, if he asked me anything, I would tell him. It's not about having secrets. 

I just personally don't agree that no one should "want" privacy in a marriage. I think some of us do and if no boundaries are crossed, it's not a bad thing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

A breach of *Privacy vs. Secrecy*, in my mind's eye, only comes into play when one of the marriage partners, either by their actions or inactions, reasonably conveys an unethical doubt to the other partner thereby arousing suspicion on their part. In that scenario, the aggreived partner has the right to break that cycle of secrecy in order to be better informed of the status of their relationship.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And it's amazing how far a little transparency goes toward restoring trust, therefore restoring privacy.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Awhile back, SA had a good thread about this subject:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/36164-100-transparency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html

From my perspective, there shouldn't be secrecy in a marriage. Secrecy implies hiding. There shouldn't be things that you need to hide from your partner. If you feel that you need to hide them, then you need to ask yourself why is that? Because a marriage should be the one place above all others where you should feel free to divulge things that you may be hesitant to with others.

With that said, there isn't anyway that you can completely 'mind dump' all of your thoughts or feelings on to your partner... or all of the various things that may happen to you during a day. But anything that is said or that happens to you that causes a flag of awareness to be raised should be considered to be discussed with your spouse.

I do believe that people obviously have a right to certain amounts of privacy of their persons and their thoughts. Even though my body is my husband's as well, I still have a right to privacy of it ... if I want to take a shower on my own with the door closed that should be okay ... if I choose to read a book and don't want to disclose my thoughts about it that should be okay.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I looked this up. Privacy is about healthy boundaries aka don't just walk in on me while I'm in the bathroom if I don't like it. Secrecy is just that secrets. A secret is guarding information that you don't typically share with other people. They must be guarded. These should not be going on in a marriage.

On the phone issue I believe I have the right to have private conversations, send private email, texts, etc. However my husband knows everyone I talk to so there are no secrets. I have nothing to hide so my privacy on the phone should be respected unless I give him reason to think otherwise.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

There is a relationship between secrecy and trust.

The more secrecy there is in a relationship, the less trust there is.

As well, if there is little trust to begin with, it is a breeding ground for keeping secrets.

And often, the less trust there is, the more likely there is to be less privacy ... as the partner who feels like they are being kept out of the secrets tries to impinge upon the other to have the secrets brought to light...often snooping or eavesdropping on the other's privacy.

The best philosophy about secrets?

_"The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.” ~ Edgar Watson Howe_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

We give each other privacy. I don't want to know all his passwords and read his emails anymore than he wants mine so it's all good. As for secrets there are some...he openly admitted that there are some things he did in his past that he would never talk about with me and he would with only one other person (his uncle) because he understands. I said that was fine and told him that because of that, I won't tell him all of my secrets. He hadn't said a word about it. I know he's curious though and so am I but whatever. He needs to take what he gives.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

:iagree:


Enchantment said:


> There is a relationship between secrecy and trust.
> 
> The more secrecy there is in a relationship, the less trust there is.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> I see a lot of comments that no one should want privacy in their marriage. I'm not sure if I agree with that.


I don't think anyone really does. Privacy is pretty important to me. I don't walk around the house naked because I don't like feeling exposed like that. I don't share any of my passwords because I don't want to be exposed there either.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Alice in Wonderland said:


> Me and my husband have no privacy; we know everything about each other. No secret, no drama. We dont need any privacy, because theres nothing to hide. Less trouble, less misunderstanding for us
> 
> For us, anything we try to hide from each other / what we dont want our spouse to know = cheating.


This was my philosophy. Unfortunately STBXH had exactly the oposite idea. mobile phone locked, computer locked, not allowed in room whilst he was on the phone, and why because he has kept in contact with his ex gf all through our marriage. I was left in charge of the business while he was on a trip to USA and hey he forgot to tell her so she texts his business mobile he left with me.
Needless to say along with all the other lies and mistreatment of me he is soon to be history!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Secrets are a real trigger for me.

Secrets are what brought me to this site.. caused a major bump in what i thought was almost perfect 20+ year marriage. The caused me to question everything.

I'm for 100% transparancy. 

H can have privacy in the bathroom... other than than i want to know about him and his life and how he fills his day. No secrets.

Same rules for me... oh hang on...I was doing that all along.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Whether a couple spend every waking moment together, or give each other their space and privacy, both can be great marriages because that is what makes them happy. 

Finding that compatibility is the key. Like most things here on TAM, not every couple follow the same rule. Not every couple think the same. Whatever works for both of you, is what works. No right or wrong. It's when each have a different take on an issue that problems start to surface. That's where compromise and communication come in.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I think that privacy is really important in helping to maintain individuality. For instance, I want my privacy if I am in the restroom or writing in a journal. However, most of my life is open to my h. He has my passwords on everything (or did, anyway), and could read my emails anytime or listen in on phone calls anytime. Any interactions with other people were witness-able by him. He made it seem like it was the same on his side, but just kept secret accounts that I didn't know about to hide the stuff that he knew I wouldn't be okay with. That's where I think the distinction comes into play.

Privacy is a need for solitude and connection with the self. It's a way in which a person can retain full control of one's actions and ideas without responding to feedback from someone else. Giving a person space is important. The degree to which people need solitude and privacy varies.

Secrecy is an act of hiding things that one doesn't want to be seen. Often, this isn't innocent at all and the reason for secrecy is to prevent disapproval or conflict. One hides something in order to keep it going, even when one knows that there will be a problem if it is done openly. There can be innocent things done secretly (planning surprise parties, self-improvement projects, gift-shopping, or even working out one's issues), however, any time that secrecy involves making another person an ally instead of your spouse, any time that secrecy involves interacting with someone else in a way that would hurt your spouse, and any time that secrecy is done for the sake of concealing dishonesty, there is a problem. 

Privacy is a way of connecting to the self. Secrecy is a way of avoiding censure. Privacy is usually innocent. Secrecy is usually insidious. Privacy helps keep a person individual, mysterious, and interesting. Secrecy tends to destroy intimate relationships. 

Unfortunately, wayward and dishonest spouses will often use secrecy to guard their personal gratification, especially when it is at the expense of the honest spouse. And, often, these people will claim that their "privacy" has been invaded, and huff and puff about the act of un-concealment to throw off the judgment about the act that was being concealed.

Neither privacy nor secrecy are inherently "bad" or destructive, but if the person who is exploiting those culturally-sacred states of being is dishonest, then there's no way they can't be.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> I never ask if it's ok to buy something....I just do it.
> 
> Bad habit but I have learned that it's better to do this then ask if it's ok, she says no and I buy it anyway. I'm talking about my toys. Could be tools, golf clubs or my Harley which she doesn't approve of.


While I might call this slightly inconsiderate of her wishes, I wouldn't call it secretive. You have the right to behave in an independent manner and sometimes, that means you will disagree with her about whether or not something is a reasonable purchase. Instead of "hiding" the purchase to avoid conflict, it would be better just to say, "I bought this thing and I know you're going to be angry about it, but this is one of those times when we can agree to disagree about whether or not it is a good choice. You don't have to concede to every one of her wishes, just take her wishes into account and let her know why you disagree. Sometimes, just the act of explaining to someone that you have taken their wishes into account goes a long way toward making that person feel better about the disagreement.

This isn't secrecy, though. Unless you guys have an explicit agreement about not buying something and then you go and buy it anyway and keep it a secret. But, in that case, I am guessing you may have agreed to something you didn't actually want to go through with just to avoid conflict. In that instance, it is usually better just to say "I don't agree that I should NOT buy that thing. I know you're going to be upset, but I'd rather be honest than passive aggressive so that you know you can trust me, even when we don't agree on things."

Of course, what happens in theory and in practice is not always the same. 

Your purchases aren't disrespecting or devaluing your spouse and they aren't de-stabilizing your relationship, so...secret or private or not, they aren't dangerous. I think that is the big question when dealing with secrets -- who is being served by this secret? Is one person's interest being served at the expense of the relationship or just at the expense of disapproval? Shucking one's disapproval, no biggie; shucking one's vows....biggie.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I see the analogy passed around with regards to privacy vs secrecy and "the bathroom." I just don't think that's a good analogy.

My wife can take a crap in peace if she wants, she gives me the same courtesy.

But give me an instance of an email or phone call or discussion one partner could have with someone else that would require "privacy" but not secrecy? I can't think of anything my wife would tell a friend or coworker that should matter if I hear.

If it's a personal secret (like someone is pregnant and doesn't want anyone else to know, including me), then my wife should come to me and say, "I'm having a private conversation with so and so about something that she doesn't want you to know about. Please respect her wishes and do not open the e-mail or listen to our phone conversation. Thank you sweety for understanding!"

Any other conversation should not require "privacy". If she's mad at me and talking honestly about her feelings in an email or phone call or text, it should be something that she has told me first and should not be a surprise or change of course from what I already know.

To me privacy is code for "I don't want you to hear this" which is basically the seed of secrecy.

I am not advocating that all conversations should be done together. Giving someone space to have a private conversation is a courtesy, it should not be a right of either spouse.


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

After being at work 8 hours, I look forward to being with my wife and kids. I have never needed privacy, our house can be loud & active. I would have to leave if I cared about privacy. It has never bothered me. But I don't like to be around other people very much, just my family. I am rarely alone between her and the kids, it is just my life. But I love my life.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I agree the most with CandieGirl. Privacy is the act of you allowing your partner the right to erect some boundaries in your marriage. Secrecy is when your spouse wants boundaries and you want them torn down. The more you respect your partner's privacy (and vice versa), the less secrecy you actually need. On the other hand, the more secrecy you have in your marriage, the more your spouse is going to want to peek behind the curtain.

Or, like a mentor of mine said a couple decades back: "If you're doing something you wouldn't want your mother to find out about, you probably shouldn't be doing it."


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> The more you respect your partner's privacy (and vice versa), the less secrecy you actually need.


I disagree with that from experience. My wife had all the privacy in the world, till she started having an EA.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

its always loud a our house...i can get privacy of i go into my closet...but the kids will just find me anyways...

between my husband and i, there just cant be "secrecy" or "privacy". once you start leaving out one thing, it will snowball into 2-3-5-10..

where is the line drawn?? what is the cut off for keeping things to yourself...?? i suppose bathroom-ing is fine to keep quiet about, but who you talk to, or facebook with, or e-mail, or maybe even talk to on the phone to..??

secrets destroy faith. if you want privacy..stay single. i didnt have kids, and get married to be alone, i have nothing to hide from my husband..and i couldnt keep my big motor mouth shut to save the world.

we share everything..secrets that we think the other one dosent know, secrets we over hear on the bus, or from co-workers..those are the best.

i will say SOME are not all bad..his good friend has confided in me a secret..usually i will tell..but i was sworn to keep it under raps...and i cant tell here, because my husband also reads, and posts..

but its absolutley nothing harmful, or bad...nothing sexual. its not really a secret, because he will know one day..but since im a blabber mouth...i have been told to keep it zipped.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My life is an open book. Written in a dead obscure language.


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## Sammy TC (Jan 16, 2016)

Thank you for your post. At times I seem surrounded by attitudes where up is down and down is up. It is reassuring to know that others see the value of living honestly.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
For me, privacy is important. If my wife wants to read trashy teen romance novels, I don't need to know. If she eats junk food, or tells secrets to her girlfriends, or listens to Banarama while driving to work, its none of my business. I don't need to know what men (or women) she finds hot, what blogs she reads, or anything else she might not want to tell me.


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