# Separated, confused, and TIRED



## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

Hi All,	
So I am new to posting, but have been reading others' comments for about a month now. I separated from my husband Sept. 3. I left with the intention of giving us some time to cool off, to get some help, and work things out; but after about a week or so of him refusing to discuss anything with me and adamantly saying he wants a divorce…I moved out.

Just a bit about us. We have been married for about a year and a half, lived together about a year before we got married. I have always thought of myself as a direct person, when my husband wanted to date monogamously (and again when we moved in together and got engaged), I sat him down and explained what I expected from him as the man in the relationship. I wanted a traditional marriage in which he would be the “breadwinner” in the family and responsible for our family’s financial state. This was not to mean that I would not work, but I felt that my job would be gravy, as later I would take care of the house and kids. This was my priority. I explained that financial security is a huge issue for me and causes a lot of anxiety for me when not taken care of appropriately. I explained to him that if that was not what he wanted for his life that was fine we could still date, but it would not go further. And just for the record, I am a very independent person, I put myself through school three times including finishing my master degree last month; so I was (am) very capable of caring for myself but this is what I required in order to “settle” down with him. 

And of course at the time he agreed. This is what we initially began to fight about. I am definitely the saver and he is the spender. Shortly after moving in together I went back to school full-time, so I cut out a lot of my luxuries in order to lessen some of the strain while he continued to spend like there was no tomorrow including withdrawing funds from retirement funds to buy unnecessary gadgets. Granted he makes good money, but he has NO financial or budgeting sense and every effort I tried he would undercut. Well as said before this was immediately a big problem and eventually led to me not being able to trust him to put our family first. I had no patience for any of his other crap (he is a self proclaimed slob) once I felt he was not meeting my number one need. He would swear to work on things (i.e. taking his lunch instead of eating out) and it would last for a week. At the time, he really did not feel he had any responsibility in our issues and continued to blame my anxiety.

I guess I should explain that there is no infidelity, no big lies, for the most part our issues are common and small compared to what other people split up about. So for months we battled it out, there were good times but once the fights started we both would say some of the most awful things. Earlier this summer I was working on my master thesis to graduate, which is very demanding, and he started feeling neglected. My husband is well known for acting like a child, so I truly felt at the time he was just being insecure. But he honestly thought I choosing not to spend time with him…that I no longer loved him. This turned into a big fight, he moved into another part of our house for about two weeks. Once the dust settled, I began to see his feelings and tried to continuously reassure him that I loved him, that I was focused on school to get done so we could move forward (having a baby, etc.). We made up and decided to each go to individual counseling and couples counseling to work on our relationship. I began my sessions about a week later, he did not. Then came the fight this month. This fight was different because he basically told me that I should be his made because I am at the house all day. I had been done with school less than a month and felt like I deserved some down time. While I was busting my behind working to finish school, he was taking trips with his friends to Lake Tahoe, St. Croix, among others. It was the last straw when he through the house in my face. He owned our house before we got together, but I was the one that made it a home. And being threatened with that, to be put out, was not acceptable. 

I moved in with my grandmother and aunt and scheduled an appointment to see a counselor. I am not a rash person overall, once I have a day or two to cool off I can remember the good things and the commitment we made to one another and go talk to him to discuss things. So I spent days trying to get him to talk to me and agree to actually follow through with the counseling. He would not. My family is very supportive; unlike his family they are objective and know that this split is both our faults. They love him like their own and were extremely upset about the split, so they even tried to talk to him. But he continued to say that he was too upset to talk to me. When he finally decided to talk he wanted to go to the counselor to do it. In the session, he basically just said that he was done, too tired to try to work on things, and that is heart was not in it. A few more days passed, and I was getting annoyed at him wanting me to talk to him when he wanted and not responding to me when I wanted to talk to him I decided to not communicate at all with him. I had suspected that his family and a couple that he is constantly putting in our relationship had been negatively influencing him, when my aunt let something he had said to her slip which confirmed my suspicion. I got angry and told him off and in addition I told him that I had found out that I was pregnant when I left and within a few days had miscarried because of all of this stress-that he lost his family because of listening to others' so called “advice” and being stubborn. I really had no intention of telling him about the miscarriage until much later, but I was furious with him for constantly putting others opinions before our relationship. And furious, about him constantly playing the victim, like he is the only one in pain. I truly feel that his pain does not come close to what I am feeling right now. But I am choosing to follow the counselor’s advice to see past the pain and hurt to try to work on saving our marriage.

Although I would not say that I am old school, I definitely got married with the intention of staying married and I do not understand how he could just walk away without doing everything possible to work out our issues. At this point everyone is telling me that I have done all that I can do without his cooperation. I know I cannot repair our relationship by myself, but he is so wrapped up in how he feels he is not willing to try anything. I have a habit of cutting people completely out when I reach my limit, I am trying very hard not to do that with him but he is giving me nothing. He has said that he wants a divorce, but has done nothing about it. I told him I was going to move the few bills of mine that are in his name into my own and he told me not too and went further to ask me if I needed any cash. So what the heck, if you are done and you want a divorce why are you not moving forward? Everyone that I talk to believes he does not know what he wants and that he is letting those others negatively influence him. I am reaching my end, I have tried to be understanding but I am tired and stressed myself that I am giving up. Truthfully I wish he would grow up and realize that he made a commitment when he ask me to marry him, that it became about us not just him and his hurt feelings. I am at a loss to what to do from here, every day I am growing closer to shutting him completely out but I really do not want to do that because I know our problems are relatively small and can be worked on. I decided last night to again cut convos with him because we are going in circles. One good thing is he did schedule an appointment to see the counselor alone in two weeks, so maybe she can help him understand how to see past the pain and at least try. I am not sure if we can work things out but I feel that it is wrong not to even try to, I mean we are married if that word means nothing else it should at least me you give it a shot. Curious to see what you all think on here, thanks in advance :scratchhead:


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Ok, the first thing I notice when I read this is a lot of "I...I...I" statements in your post. What you need, what you want. 

I don't mean to minimize the issue of him being irresponsible with money, because that is a huge deal and a lot of couples divorce over money.
Have you considered having separate accounts so his funds do not interfere with yours, and vice versa? You can figure out who will be responsible for what bills and any extra can be spent how ever you choose.

As far as your expectations of him as a husband, what can I say? People change over time.

I'd try marriage counseling. I just don't think this is something worth divorcing over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

Thanks for the reply! 
As for the I statements, well I was venting my perspective. Also in counseling they teach you to use I statements instead to be less confrontational. I disagree that its all about what I want...although the financial issue is more my concern than his. Which I dont understand, we want similar things for our future. But I guess he is the dreamer and I am more the doer to make those things happen . 
We have discussed separate accounts but he hates the idea. 
As for the counseling, I am in counseling and begging him to join because I share your opinion that our issues can be repaired but he refuses. So thats really what I wonder...what to do now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can fully relate to your philosophy surrounding finances and security. My estranged husband is very much like your husband--makes a very good salary but has absolutely nothing to show for it. It is very hard to live together with such diverse mindsets. It's best to get this settled now, or walk away. This clash (if unresolved) will only get worse over time.

You may also want to do some reading on the Peter Pan Syndrome. It can be hard to detect before age 30. But, when a man gets to age 40 and acts like an 18 year old it's quite obvious. I wondering if your husband may have a touch of this. He does sound immature.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

LED - One thing that I noticed when reviewing your post is that there is no mention of whether or not you love him or want to be together. No doubt financial irresponsibility is a major factor in creating arguments/issues in a marriage but especially as you have been married for a short time, I am left to wonder what it is that brought you together in the first place.

I mean no disrespect and dont minimize the money concerns because that is huge.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

A copule tough questions. You want him to be the bread winner and not work eventully. I think that is great, but how much debt do you have that he will be the one paying off? You say you feel entitled to a break afrer you thesis, how is that different than him working?

If I had to gander a guess what he would say is that there was a lack of sex during your schooling. What I see here is that he resents you. You are demanding of what YOU want from the R. He is telling you that it is not what he wants as there is not enough in it for him.


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## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

Thanks all for your replies. Sorry this might get long again :/

Yes I absolutely love my husband and I do know that he loves me...kinda thought that was implied by wanting to work on things and not heading straight for the divorce lawyer . We were brought together like any other couple...we loved (and still love) many of the same things. I love to laugh and he can always make me giggle. Oh and I forgot to mention, I am 28 and my husband is 37. I thought I was getting someone older and wiser which I loved but turns out he still has alot of growing up to do.

You guys actually make a good point about school, I was thinking about that recently. I was at a law school info session (for my sister, not me...I am DONE with school with no plans to return back anytime soon), and they made the comment of how higher education really is a selfish venture. Although I always saw it as making myself better to get the better job to provide for our family. I come from a big family that always wanted to get an education but had road blocks so they pushed us hard to get an education. But I definitely know how tough it is to date or be married to someone who is in school. We discussed this many times (as his brother was in law school, married with four kids and is also now divorcing as well) but he always seemed on board and very proud. My counselor also brought up the point that maybe he is jealous or resentful because he does not have a degree...I never got that impression but maybe I missed something. I know that he is very insecure (he is a big guy and has always had the "fat kid syndrome"...of course I love him despite his size and support him in his weight loss effort, ironically, I am a dietitian but not the kind that obsesses about weight, I am in public health admin.) about other things so it is possible this is one of them. 

As for our sex life, I would say I am the one that is less satisfied but I do not really hold that against him. This might sound cliche but it really is not all about sex...I appreciated the other good things that he brought to the table those things were definitely more important to me. And no he is not the one paying my loans, I worked very hard and saved my pennies in order to afford school and pay back school loans. As I said, I am the one with the financial sense. I am usually paying off his debt, despite him having the higher paying job (I am not working now, but I had part time jobs, savings, etc while in school.)

As for the time off, it is not different. As I said originally, he had plenty of vacations that I was not able to take part in because of my schedule. Dont get me wrong, this was not a problem for me I wanted him to go have fun and he was definitely deserving. What I was saying is that when it came time for me to relax he threw a fit, because he felt I should be waiting on him hand and foot. Well if you didn't get it from my earlier post, I am no one's maid. I keep our house very clean, I do the cooking, laundry, errands he needs, etc. (and yes I have always done these things since we moved in together) but I refuse to wait on him. All he is asked to do is put his dishes in the kitchen and his laundry in the basket, but he leaves these things EVERY WHERE which I find very disrespectful. He admitted to the counselor when we went earlier this week, that he has no excuse he is just a slob and basically just threw the fact that I am just "sitting at home" (don't know if I said this, but since I graduated mid-August I have been job hunting, interviewing, and the such...so by no means just sitting at home) up because he could not say anything else.

As of right now we are not speaking, he says that he is too hurt and his heart is not in it any more. All of which I understand, because I feel the same way, but I also feel obligated to try all avenues to at least try to work out these issues because we committed to do so when we chose to marry. He is refusing to go back to couple's counseling now, but is going for an individual session a week from Monday. Part of me says wait it out he will come around and want to work on things but the busy body in me says I have done what I could do so its time to move on. What do you all think?


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I have to ask why you got married in the first place... if before you moved in, you told him that you wanted to get a lot of education while he worked, then not work while you raised children and he continued to support you and he made that clear that he was not going to be cool with that shortly after you moved in together, why would you think it would be any different after marriage?

Do you not think it is very selfish to have him work while you go to school to "get a better job" when you just intend to leave that job to raise children? Why bother with the additional education if your job is supposed to be the "gravy" and he is expected to be the breadwinner?

If I were in his shoes (given what you have said), I think I would be of the impression that you were just using me for financial support so you could go to school.


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## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

Interesting take on my post Lovebug. First of all, as I have said I have worked and put MYSELF through school, he paid NOTHING but his own bills if that and if we went out. Second, having kids was meant later down the road not immediately after graduating. The idea was to graduate, work for a few years to pay down some debt on both our parts, have a child stay home with that child until it was in preschool (we both hate the idea of daycare), and then I would go back to work. The point is exactly this...I would never depend fully on a man and education=options, so if he had decided he was done years down the line I would not be **** up a creek. Not to say he is not feeling all those things you suggested, but as I said he was well aware of my situation (I was in school when he came along) before we moved in together and still wanted to do so. If I was just using him, you are right I would not have married him or stayed this long. You don't know even a tenth of the story and you jumped to that conclusion, so if he is feeling this knowing all that we have been through together well all I can do is apologize and move on.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

He may feel he is "supporting" you financially (the house, etc.) and may have some resentment issues----it sounds like you have them too. I think your marriage issues are deeper and you both sound a bit selfish to me (sorry). Having a baby now doesn't sound like a good thing for you guys in the immediate future----more stress! I think you are going to have to wait and see what he wants to do and is willing to do. Good luck.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

and the talk about him causing the miscarriage was mean. that's the type of statement that can stay with someone for a long time.


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