# My Journal, etc.



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

I'm here privately, my wife would flip if she knew I did this. So I already feel a bit strange, but hope to grow more comfortable with it over time.

I needed a place to vent and hopefully receive some feedback/support. If nothing else, maybe it will be slightly therapeutic to write this stuff down.

So, I suppose this is my first "entry" of sorts.

My wife and I have been struggling for years on and off in our marriage. We've been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 8 years. TBH, she has changed over time (I have, too). It was progressive. At first she was more easy going and treated me well. Once we got engaged, she started treating me differently (was a bit more "mean" at times). Once we got married, it got a little worse. Then we had a child, got a little worse. We are now surprised with our 2nd pregnancy and will have a 2nd child (if all goes well) in a few months. Exciting, but also concerning and scary.

The unfortunate part (in my mind) is that we have it SO GOOD in life. We should be happy! But it seems that it's never enough for her. Constant negativity, critiquing of my every move, controlling behavior on her part, verbal/emotional abuse (IMHO) on me, and concerning behavior in front our our 3 yo son. I've tried counselling, she squashed that when it didn't go her way. I feel like a prisoner in my own home/life. 

I know I am not perfect! I have my weaknesses and can accept responsibility for my short-falls. But at this point, I'm feeling defeated, depressed, anxious, hopeless and lost.

Dear Diary, I will be sharing how my days go, general happenings, and promise to be 100% honest in this. More to come...


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

This is VERY boring, but I need to do this. I make a nice income and we are very fortunate. She gets $600/month direct deposited into her own account that I don't see or touch. We have a joint checking/savings that she also spends out of for whatever she wants. I'm the sole provider, which is what I wanted so my wife could be home with the kid(s). She agreed and wanted that, too. She hasn't worked in 4 years. 

Typical day for me:

Wake up 6:00 am. Try to be as quiet as possible so my wife can stay in bed (and sometimes our 3 yo climbs in bed with us, but not often). Get in shower and get ready for work, leave for work 6:35. Hug and kiss my wife goodbye. Usually hear something like "get home early". I'm not allowed to wear cologne, btw. Not that I care to for work, but if she smells hair product or deodorant, she'll ask to make sure it's not cologne. She will also critique my clothes if I'm dressed too nicely she doesn't like it.

Get to work at 7:00 am. I am a VP for my company, have an extremely busy schedule and work in stressful environment. 

Conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc. 

By 8:00 am, everyday, I proactively text my wife nice things to start her day. "Good morning, miss you, love you, have a good day" Etc.

More conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc.

All while fielding random texts by my wife. Sometimes normal, sometimes asking where I am and what I'm doing or just complaining about anything. 

She tracks me on my phone by GPS (thanks a lot Apple "Find Friends"). Literally saying things like "it looks like you're in the customer service department, what are you doing, who are you talking to?" or "are you in the parking lot, what is going on". 
Sometimes criticizing something I did or didn't do at home, like "you left a dish in the sink, wtf??" or "why didn't you put your shorts away last night??". Keep in mind, she is maybe the sloppiest person I've met. She has crap literally everywhere cluttering our house.
I call her every day at lunch sometime between 11:30 - 1:30 and talk for about 15 minutes. Every, day. Whether I'm slammed at work on not.

If I haven't left work by about 3:50, I start getting texts like "why aren't you driving home yet?", "what is going on, who are you talking to?". If I don't leave until 4:00, rare, but it happens on busier days then I really get blasted with texts and/or phone calls demanding immediate response and complaints that I'm not going to be home early enough!

Arrive home around 4:15 and give my son and wife hugs and kisses. Usual response by my wife is a fake smile, half-hearted hug/kiss, and then telling me to hurry up and go play with my son and dictating what we should do/play.

Play with my son until dinner time around 6:15. Sometimes I help cook dinner (maybe twice a week and every weekend cook more than during the week). I'm 100% responsible for making sure my son eats dinner each night, even if I have to feed him every bite. Which is fine. Usually while hearing more complaints about how I'm doing things around the house. Eat dinner and hear my wife complain about how I don't talk enough. When I do talk, I get confronted or argued with. Silly example but it feels like: I could say "The sky was blue today"....her response would be: "no it was actually blue but with some clouds so no it wasn't blue, you dummy". She will literally call me dumb, not smart, incompetent, etc. and usually with my son around. Gee, wonder why I don't talk more?!

Finish dinner. Usually hearing a complaining about how I don't feed my son properly. I clean the kitchen 99% of the time even when I cook and put food on the table. Start bath for my son, do bath time and start reading books and doing bedtime - we usually do this together. Read books to my son. While I read I usually hear things like "gosh you read so slow", "hurry up and read!", "you are the worst at story time" etc. My wife then leaves the room and I stay in my son's room until he's falling asleep and sneak out (usually around 8:30 pm). Every night, 7/week.

So by 8:45 or so, I can then try to relax. But wait, trash needs to go out, might be some leftover dishes to put away. Might be laundry to put away. So I'll do that and then finally sit down. Usually she'll only want to watch her reality tv (I call trash tv) so I scroll my phone and catch up on sports for the day etc. If there is a big game or something I go into the other room to watch if I need to. by 9:15 my wife is asking me to bring her a treat, drink, etc. and then I have to rub her back and/or hair and she falls asleep laying on me on the couch by 9:30-10:00. I scroll my phone and watch tv and fall asleep sometimes or just stay awake since it's my only quiet time for me and I'm in bed/asleep by 11-12 each night only to start again at 6 am.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Welcome to life.

If you don’t like it, change it. 

Hopefully you like the kids because they’re pretty hard to change. If you don’t, then don’t let them do things that make you not like them (like jumping into bed would be a no no for me).

Start doing more of what you want, and the reason is because I want to. If you want to text her then text her. If you don’t, you’re busy and you’ll get back to her when you have time. You’ll find out if she is unstable or unhinged pretty fast.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Today my wife complained that I didn't take time off work and plan a trip for our 1st date anniversary that is coming up.

I started to try and make plans and she complained that I wasn't doing it at the right time. So I stopped and tried to defend myself and she told me to "shut the **** up and do your part and I don't have the patience to deal with you sometimes, I want to slap you across the face". 

She's pregnant, so things are worse than usual. But just more of the same.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

msimmism21 said:


> I started to try and make plans and she complained that I wasn't doing it at the right time. So I stopped and tried to defend myself and she told me to "shut the **** up and do your part and I don't have the patience to deal with you sometimes, I want to slap you across the face".


Lol. You put up with this why exactly? What’s the good part?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

msimmism21 said:


> This is VERY boring, but I need to do this. I make a nice income and we are very fortunate. She gets $600/month direct deposited into her own account that I don't see or touch. We have a joint checking/savings that she also spends out of for whatever she wants. I'm the sole provider, which is what I wanted so my wife could be home with the kid(s). She agreed and wanted that, too. She hasn't worked in 4 years.
> 
> Typical day for me:
> 
> Wake up 6:00 am. Try to be as quiet as possible so my wife can stay in bed (and sometimes our 3 yo climbs in bed with us, but not often). Get in shower and get ready for work, leave for work 6:35. Hug and kiss my wife goodbye. Usually hear something like "get home early". I'm not allowed to wear cologne, btw. Not that I care to for work, but if she smells hair product or deodorant, she'll ask to make sure it's not cologne. She will also critique my clothes if I'm dressed too nicely she doesn't like it.


This is SUPER controlling. Why does she care if you have on cologne or dress nice for work? Sounds like she is super jealous about you and "expects" that you are cheating if you dress nice or smell good.



> Get to work at 7:00 am. I am a VP for my company, have an extremely busy schedule and work in stressful environment.
> 
> Conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc.
> 
> By 8:00 am, everyday, I proactively text my wife nice things to start her day. "Good morning, miss you, love you, have a good day" Etc.


Does SHE ever respond with something nice to you?



> More conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc.
> 
> All while fielding random texts by my wife. Sometimes normal, sometimes asking where I am and what I'm doing or just complaining about anything.
> 
> She tracks me on my phone by GPS (thanks a lot Apple "Find Friends"). Literally saying things like "it looks like you're in the customer service department, what are you doing, who are you talking to?" or "are you in the parking lot, what is going on".


Again this is really paranoid and controlling. Do YOU have access to HER GPS also? Have you ever checked out where she is and send a similar message? If not WHY NOT?



> Sometimes criticizing something I did or didn't do at home, like "you left a dish in the sink, wtf??" or "why didn't you put your shorts away last night??". Keep in mind, she is maybe the sloppiest person I've met. She has crap literally everywhere cluttering our house.
> I call her every day at lunch sometime between 11:30 - 1:30 and talk for about 15 minutes. Every, day. Whether I'm slammed at work on not.
> 
> If I haven't left work by about 3:50, I start getting texts like "why aren't you driving home yet?", "what is going on, who are you talking to?". If I don't leave until 4:00, rare, but it happens on busier days then I really get blasted with texts and/or phone calls demanding immediate response and complaints that I'm not going to be home early enough!


I would stop responding to these types of texts completely. Tell her you are at work and can't be texting all the time.



> Arrive home around 4:15 and give my son and wife hugs and kisses. Usual response by my wife is a fake smile, half-hearted hug/kiss, and then telling me to hurry up and go play with my son and dictating what we should do/play.


Are you his father? Then why don't you play with him what YOU BOTH want to play? Why does SHE get to dictate that? STOP doing that immediately. You have let her control you FAR too much. By not stopping this, you are training HER to get away with this stuff. Stop it now.



> Play with my son until dinner time around 6:15. Sometimes I help cook dinner (maybe twice a week and every weekend cook more than during the week). I'm 100% responsible for making sure my son eats dinner each night, even if I have to feed him every bite. Which is fine. Usually while hearing more complaints about how I'm doing things around the house. Eat dinner and hear my wife complain about how I don't talk enough. When I do talk, I get confronted or argued with. Silly example but it feels like: I could say "The sky was blue today"....her response would be: "no it was actually blue but with some clouds so no it wasn't blue, you dummy". She will literally call me dumb, not smart, incompetent, etc. and usually with my son around. Gee, wonder why I don't talk more?!


What does SHE do (or did she do). When she does this to you, esp, in front of your son, TELL HER TO STOP. She isn't not only training YOU to accept this, she (and your non-reaction) is showing your son that being treated like that is acceptable behavior in a marriage. Do you want HIM to think this is OK? You need to start standing up for yourself.
Who cares if she gets mad.



> Finish dinner. Usually hearing a complaining about how I don't feed my son properly.


So, next time tell her good, you get to feed him tomorrow night (AND STICK WITH THAT). 


> I clean the kitchen 99% of the time even when I cook and put food on the table. Start bath for my son, do bath time and start reading books and doing bedtime - we usually do this together. Read books to my son. While I read I usually hear things like "gosh you read so slow", "hurry up and read!", "you are the worst at story time" etc. My wife then leaves the room and I stay in my son's room until he's falling asleep and sneak out (usually around 8:30 pm). Every night, 7/week.
> 
> So by 8:45 or so, I can then try to relax. But wait, trash needs to go out, might be some leftover dishes to put away. Might be laundry to put away. So I'll do that and then finally sit down.


So what does SHE do all day if you have to put away dishes, take out the trash, and put away laundry?
Simple, stop jumping to do what she wants when she wants it. Or just tell her -- YOU can put that away.



> Usually she'll only want to watch her reality tv (I call trash tv) so I scroll my phone and catch up on sports for the day etc. If there is a big game or something I go into the other room to watch if I need to. by 9:15 my wife is asking me to bring her a treat, drink, etc. and then I have to rub her back and/or hair and she falls asleep laying on me on the couch by 9:30-10:00. I scroll my phone and watch tv and fall asleep sometimes or just stay awake since it's my only quiet time for me and I'm in bed/asleep by 11-12 each night only to start again at 6 am.


So if she is watching crap, why bother sitting there at all? You aren't interacting with her -- there no "close" time there, so why bother? As for YOU getting her drink/treat/etc. --- does she ever get it for YOU?
How about "I got you that last night -- it's your turn" 
Dude, take her off the pedestal.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Lol. You put up with this why exactly? What’s the good part?


I ask myself this frequently. I feel trapped I guess. 

If I leave, I'm the bad guy that deserted his family. I contribute to a broken family and my kids suffer. I'd rather suffer than my kids suffer. I want to break the cycle of divorce and dysfunction. I'm trying my best tbh.

I've tried many times to tell her that I don't appreciate being disrespected, etc. I know I'm a little sensitive in nature, but don't feel that most people would put up with her.

Our discussions always go sideways, she will change the subject and villainize and/or discredit me. 

I don't want to end up a single parent trying to co-parent with her.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

msimmism21 said:


> Today my wife complained that I didn't take time off work and plan a trip for our 1st date anniversary that is coming up.
> 
> I started to try and make plans and she complained that I wasn't doing it at the right time. So I stopped and tried to defend myself and she told me to "shut the **** up and do your part and I don't have the patience to deal with you sometimes, I want to slap you across the face".
> 
> She's pregnant, so things are worse than usual. But just more of the same.


Again, simple. Ok if you don't like what I'm doing, YOU now get to do it since you know everything.
You already know she is going to get pissed off -- she is NOW even with you NOT standing up to her.
So, stand up to her. You are going to get crap either way. At least this way, your son will see that what she is doing is not acceptable.
Is it ok for your 3 year old to hear Mommy saying she is going to slap Daddy? You want HIM to think that is OK?

"Our discussions always go sideways, she will change the subject and villainize and/or discredit me. 
"
So don't let her -- bring it RIGHT back on topic. Tell her that you won't let her deflect HER guilt away by doing this. What she is doing is pure manipulation, and you are allowing her to do it.
"


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Dude, take her off the pedestal.



I fully agree with everything, thank you for the reply.

I have tried a lot of those things, results were WORSE. She is who she is. 

It seems like I have to choose between letting myself suffer or causing suffering for her and my kid(s).

I know I've helped create the monster she is. But I don't deserve it. I'm glad to be a nice and accommodating person, it's my nature. It's not reciprocated though. And anything I've done wrong in the past is carried and presented any any moment when she needs some "ammo". It's like my worst moments are what defines me (in her mind). And it's the family/genes she was brought up with, there is no changing her.

I'm the type that let's her do pretty much whatever. Go with her girlfriends to happy hour or on a weekend trip on occasion. No way in heck I would be allowed to do a lot of what she does. Every once in a while I try to golf and it's like pulling teeth with her and I usually end up feeling like crap and not fully enjoying myself.

I don't know if leaving/separating would help wake her up and change things, but it's getting to that point. However, she is pregnant so I don't feel I can leave anytime soon. And any pushback on her will cause stress which isn't good for the pregnancy. So I'm the bad guy, always.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You need to read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Glover ASAP.

As for the broken home and your kids the toxic dynamic you have going now is already broken and miserable. Trying to fix it one way or the other can only improve matters.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your wife is slowly hanging you from a rope and you are letting it happen. It will only get worse and worse and worse. Children are adaptable... remove the toxic from your life.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

She's literally impossible to deal with. I was getting to the point of considering moving out to have time apart but then she got pregnant and I can't do it now.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

msimmism21 said:


> She's literally impossible to deal with. I was getting to the point of considering moving out to have time apart but then she got pregnant and I can't do it now.


You actually can. Talk to an attorney if you need to in order to figure out the best way to do it.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to start doing this:
180 for Betrayed Spouses 
and doing what YOU want -- she is not your Mommy -- you don't have to get permission.
Instead of "Honey, can I go play golf tomorrow" just say "I know we don't have anything planned -- I'm going to play golf"

With HER so worried about YOU -- what do you think she is getting up to when going out for Happy hour or a weekend trip? I'd be very worried that something is going on there....


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> You actually can. Talk to an attorney if you need to in order to figure out the best way to do it.


I just feel it's wrong to leave a pregnant woman, I don't think I can do that yet.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You need to start doing this:
> 180 for Betrayed Spouses
> and doing what YOU want -- she is not your Mommy -- you don't have to get permission.
> Instead of "Honey, can I go play golf tomorrow" just say "I know we don't have anything planned -- I'm going to play golf"
> ...


Some great stuff there, thank you. I've done a lot of those steps, but need to keep reading and trying more of those things.

Here is some of my experience so far:

*6.* Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner. - it's worked out perfectly for her, she doesn't like doing much for me directly.

*7.* Don’t ask for reassurances. - I don't.

*9.* Don’t schedule dates together. - I'm criticized for not planning more dates, and when I try it's not the right restaurant or plans. So I sit back and wait for her to. She doesn't and then I'm back to being the bad guy. We recently went on a date night and she proceeded to yell at me in the car on the way to the restaurant. I tried not to react/retaliate. Then I was criticized for not talking enough and for not being in a cheery mood. I wanted to make reservations, but according to her we didn't need to and then we ended up with a bad table and I was criticized for not doing more to get a better table. It never ends.

*12.* Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. - I try, but fail a lot because the way she treats me is hurting me and I can't act happy.

*14.* When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to! - Yep, and then I just get constant complaints for that.

*15. *If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. - I pretty much do this, works great for her as she does what she wants when she wants - it seems.

*16.* Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them! - I think she has at times and then pulls me back in and I fall for it or just give up.

*17.* Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing. - I've gotten better at this but I'm a human and not perfect.

*18.* No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. - Doing my best here!


*20.* Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF! - again, trying and doing pretty well but I break every once in a while.

*21.* Don’t be overly enthusiastic. - Yep and I get called "fuddy duddy" or whatever and that's not me.

*22.* Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! - do this a lot and trying to not engage in it.

*23.* Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! - This is all I do. 

*24.* Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. - do this A LOT.

*28.* Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. - I've learned to stop this which goes against "taking care of myself" so basically I'm shut down and bottling it all up.

*31.* Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!” - getting harder by the day!


*33.* When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. - when I do this she just tells me that I'm victimizing myself and makes me feel worse.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Don’t read into the BS 180 literally. You want a 180 in the sense of do the opposite of what you have been doing.

So whatever you’re doing now, don’t. It’s not working.

If she’s treating you poorly as you describe then do what you want and don’t worry about anyone else. Absolute statements like:



msimmism21 said:


> I just feel it's wrong to leave a pregnant woman, I don't think I can do that yet.


What if she started kicking you in the balls full force every day? What if she stabbed you in the face?

Her being pregnant doesn’t suddenly raise her to saint status. You can’t let her treat you like crap because if you do why should she change her behavior?

You take care of yourself and what you need to do in order to remain sane and hopefully get some happiness back.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I do have to ask - did you ever cheat on her, physically or emotionally? Because that is how her behavior reads. That would not be an excuse for that behavior, but it would make more sense. Just curious.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> I ask myself this frequently. I feel trapped I guess.
> 
> If I leave, I'm the bad guy


So?


Seriously, so what. Be the bad guy. After reading your first two posts, your life can't possibly suck much worse than where you are right now. Being the "bad guy" here would be a massive upgrade. 

Of all my real life friends, of all the stories I've read on here, I have never heard of someone that goes out of their way to make their spouse's life a living hell every single hour of the day. 

Literally.

You just gave us the play by play of your entire day and this woman doesn't let up until she falls asleep. Are you at least allowed to sleep, or does she wake you up every 30 minutes to b*tch at you again? How is this even possible? I mean, she has to be exhausted by the end of the day with the amount of nagging she does all day. 

FFS, turn off your GPS at work, or leave your phone at your desk. 

Lastly, I have yet to see you mention one good thing about her. She must be smoking hot and truly amazing in bed for you to put up with this amount of bullsh$t. 

This is unsustainable. There is no way you can keep this up forever. It will eventually start affecting your work and you can't lose your job since your wife does nothing. Absolutely nothing. She doesn't work and you said she is a slob so clearly she isn't helping at home.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

That’s some truth bombs there!


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

She was like this (controlling) when you dated her. She didn't suddenly turn into this. It may have got worse but she has ALWAYS been controlling. 

This is NOT about her....nope...it's about you!!!

She is not going to change and in fact as time goes on it's only going to get worse.

You are literally dying a slow death. 
One day at a time and you're not going to do anything about it.

You have a VP position but your wife wears the pants in your home and to be blunt you're too afraid to stand up to her.

Is this really how you want to live each day? 
You married a woman who has NO idea what love is and unfortunately nor do you.

We get one chance at this thing called life. You are obviously MISERABLE!!!!

Do something about it or succumb to the slow death that's coming your way.

You're living out Pink Floyd's "comfortably numb".


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

You mentioned she gets $600 a month. Is she on disability, perhaps for mental problems?

Either way, buy this, absorb it, then live it & stop being a doormat.

If she doesn't respond positively, pretty quickly, you may be S.O.O.L. and may want to start an exit plan.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> So?
> 
> 
> Seriously, so what. Be the bad guy. After reading your first two posts, your life can't possibly suck much worse than where you are right now. Being the "bad guy" here would be a massive upgrade.
> ...


THIS!!! She treats you this way because you allow her to do so. This is all on you my friend. Nothing will change until you man up and get your balls out of her purse. You are frozen by fear of what others will think about you. Who gives a damn about what they think about you? Think about how it will affect your children by having a door mat for a father. They will grow up with the idea that your model of marriage is how things should be. You will damage them. You need to fix yourself now!


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

All I can say brother is my wife struggled as a new mother at home alone all day with a baby/toddler. Pregnancy was super exhausting for my wife as well. Worse yet, the world really looks down on stay at home moms so I'm betting SHE feels like a lazy loser (because that's how the warped world looks at motherhood now). In sum, she's grumpy and depressed likely and I certainly would be to if I were in her shoes- stuck at home all day (especially with Covid going on).

It's actually a really huge blessing that you get to jump up and go to work and "kill it" in the business world. Reading between the lines you're sort of announcing your superiority to your wife but the reality is- YOU actually have it pretty good because you're not stuck all day in the monotony of motherhood and feeling like you can't get anything done. 

I don't mean to excuse her harsh/suspicious treatment of you. I think you should take that on as it occurs. That's unacceptable. 

Frankly, you both sound a little immature but I was even more immature than you when I had a three year old. Best wishes my brother. Parenting is HARD but worthwhile!


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't do the 180 ********. Doesn't work. Have a chat with your wife and tell us what you told us here. Then say you can't cope anymore and that you are arranging for a nanny to take your place. Move out for a few weeks or until she "gets it". It might be never. Pregnant women survive without husbands...  She will be very angry with you, but hey, you need your sanity. All this if you are prepared to go through divorce, otherwise you will stuck in Dante's Inferno all your life. Good luck!


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> All I can say brother is my wife struggled as a new mother at home alone all day with a baby/toddler. Pregnancy was super exhausting for my wife as well. Worse yet, the world really looks down on stay at home moms so I'm betting SHE feels like a lazy loser (because that's how the warped world looks at motherhood now). In sum, she's grumpy and depressed likely and I certainly would be to if I were in her shoes- stuck at home all day (especially with Covid going on).
> 
> It's actually a really huge blessing that you get to jump up and go to work and "kill it" in the business world. Reading between the lines you're sort of announcing your superiority to your wife but the reality is- YOU actually have it pretty good because you're not stuck all day in the monotony of motherhood and feeling like you can't get anything done.
> 
> ...


The amount of leeway you are giving to this woman is excessive. As such, her victim mentality will continue to grow and she will learn nothing.

I agree with you that the popular opinion is to look down on SAHM these days. Thankfully, the popular opinion is carried by those who don't matter. Those are the same people that harbor a million other ridiculous values that make no sense. 

This is about OP and his wife. Not outside cultural influence. 

Telling OP that pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is tough and exhausting is treating her like a child. It is stripping her of her agency and relieving her of any responsibility for her actions. And her actions are quite telling. I don't care how difficult her job is in her marriage - treating OP like a piece of sh1t every hour of every single day is unsustainable for OP- even for the most forgiving of people. She isn't just destroying this man's life, she is drastically affecting his ability to parent their children. So, she is harming her children as well. 

Pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is absolutely difficult. No question. An honorable and fulfilling job for many women, but it does not excuse her behavior. She is doing a piss poor job and offers nothing to their relationship or household. If OP acted the way she acted at his job, he'd be fired within a week. That is an absolute fact. If his wife can't get her act together, I think OP should do the same. Fire her.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

LATERILUS79 said:


> The amount of leeway you are giving to this woman is excessive. As such, her victim mentality will continue to grow and she will learn nothing.
> 
> I agree with you that the popular opinion is to look down on SAHM these days. Thankfully, the popular opinion is carried by those who don't matter. Those are the same people that harbor a million other ridiculous values that make no sense.
> 
> ...


You can’t “fire” your wife. I think OP complaining about getting up early and rushing off to work is immature too. All we’re getting is his side and I think she has a tougher, more thankless, and probably works more hours than he does.

I said he just needs to take on her bad behavior when it happens... no point in journaling it for us. I never said be her floor mat.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

We never asked him about their sex life.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> You can’t “fire” your wife. I think OP complaining about getting up early and rushing off to work is immature too. All we’re getting is his side and I think she has a tougher, more thankless, and probably works more hours than he does.
> 
> I said he just needs to take on her bad behavior when it happens... no point in journaling it for us. I never said be her floor mat.


You absolutely can fire your wife. I consider divorce as firing your wife. 

She absolutely does NOT work more hours. To be fair, you are correct: We don't know her side of the story. We must assume OP is telling the truth.

If that is the case, let's go with what he has said.

I didn't catch on to a complaint about waking up early to go to work. He just stated he wakes up to go to work. I also didn't catch that he is rushing off to work. In fact, he said he doesn't want to disturb her so she can sleep a bit more. I don't see how this is immature. In my personal life, my wife is much more of a morning person than I. She gets going to work earlier than I do. She stays quiet in the bedroom when she is getting ready because I typically wake up an hour later than her. Why? Just to be nice, and I certainly appreciate it. I don't see it as immaturity. 

OP says that he has to always clean the kitchen. He does at least 25% of the cooking. He shares 50% of the responsibility with their child - which she chastises him on constantly. He has to put away the laundry. 
He has also mentioned that his wife is a slob - This implies that the house is not kept clean.

What in the hell is she doing all day? I don't care if someone is a SAHM or a SAHD. The job description is the same. When one spouse works to bring in the income, the other spouse works to keep the house in order. As such, both partners are actually bringing in the income. Instead, OP is tasked with his job and to take care well past his fair share of the household when he gets home. She is not upholding her end of the marriage. Not by a long shot. 

He should fire her.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

LATERILUS79 said:


> You absolutely can fire your wife. I consider divorce as firing your wife.
> 
> She absolutely does NOT work more hours. To be fair, you are correct: We don't know her side of the story. We must assume OP is telling the truth.
> 
> ...


He can’t share 50% of child care responsibilities if he’s gone 40hours per week plus the commute.

My wife wasn’t the best housekeeper either.. but she fed, played with, read to my babies all day long and they grew up knowing they are/were loved.

But heck, just thought someone on here should stick up for the voiceless SAHM here. I just hope OP will work to pick her up versus throw her away.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> But heck, just thought someone on here should stick up for the voiceless SAHM here. I just hope OP will work to pick her up versus throw her away.


Fair enough. 

If she does continue to act like what she's been doing, I do hope he throws her away for his own, and his children's well being.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I am a HUGE supporter of SAHM's -- I think that society would be much better if we had more!
BUT this whole thing about housework, etc. is a red herring.
What is pertinent is the CONSTANT bashing she gives him, CONSTANTLY berating him (in front of his child).

This had nothing to do with hiring a house cleaning service, etc..
It has to do with her complete disrespect of her husband. She is manipulative, not-trusting, and SHE can do what she wants while HE has to be hog-tied over everything.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

@LATERILUS79 and @jlg07 - I kind of do agree that she does sound a bit off. Good women and mothers are probably really hard to find nowadays, sadly.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> @LATERILUS79 and @jlg07 - I kind of do agree that she does sound a bit off. Good women and mothers are probably really hard to find nowadays, sadly.


its one of the main reasons I stay at places like TAM. I want to learn as much as I can about how men and women interact with each other - not only for my own marriage (which TAM has greatly helped), but also for my twins (boy and a girl).
I feel like I’ve got the boy locked down good. I can easily pass on the proper values to becoming a good man. I worry though about my daughter. I am terrified for her to learn and absorb modern culture outside of our home. I would be mortified if she ever turned into what OP is dealing with in his house.
OP’s wife is acting like an entitled brat - and our modern culture is teaching this to be ok.

OP needs a 50/50 marriage where both partners are looking to help and hold each other up. OP appears to be trying to hold up his wife while she is looking to constantly tear him down.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Thanks for all the replies and feedback/advice/etc. I appreciate it. I'll do my best to respond to some of this but don't have the time to hit on every single reply/comment.



ccpowerslave said:


> What if she started kicking you in the balls full force every day? What if she stabbed you in the face?
> 
> Her being pregnant doesn’t suddenly raise her to saint status. You can’t let her treat you like crap because if you do why should she change her behavior?
> 
> You take care of yourself and what you need to do in order to remain sane and hopefully get some happiness back.


Fair enough, and if it got THAT bad I'd be gone.




Bluesclues said:


> I do have to ask - did you ever cheat on her, physically or emotionally? Because that is how her behavior reads. That would not be an excuse for that behavior, but it would make more sense. Just curious.


I never have cheated, either way. No. 

She is definitely the jealous/controlling type by nature and I think always has been before me (knowing what I know now). One issue she has is that my ex (right before her) I met at work so she has an insecurity about me being at work around women. (the ex doesn't work with me and hasn't since shortly after we broke up). 

No excuse because again, I've never cheated.




LATERILUS79 said:


> So?
> 
> Seriously, so what. Be the bad guy. After reading your first two posts, your life can't possibly suck much worse than where you are right now. Being the "bad guy" here would be a massive upgrade.
> 
> ...


Fair point, and ultimately I'm going to have to let go of that idea ("bad guy"). TBH, I'm a people pleaser (to some extent). But at the end of the day, I want my family together not apart so I'm going to do everything I can to keep it that way. But you're right it may not be sustainable unless something changes.

We are very different in a lot of ways, and one big way is that I'm typically very genuine in my interactions with people whereas she was raised and by nature is more sarcastic and less sentimental - however on the inside she is sensitive and cares about sentimental things, if that makes sense. For her to give a compliment is very hard, she was raised that way. "Don't want you to get a big head or anything!" But she needs/wants compliments, ha.




sideways said:


> She was like this (controlling) when you dated her. She didn't suddenly turn into this. It may have got worse but she has ALWAYS been controlling.
> 
> This is NOT about her....nope...it's about you!!!
> 
> ...


Some truth here, but you might be making a leap with some of your comments/assumptions. 

Honestly, she is a pretty functional person with possibly a personality disorder. I don't like to speculate or diagnose, but narcissistic or borderline personality type behavior at times. And I empathize with that as I know people I love with true mental health issues. But still no excuse for treating people poorly.

I HAVE stood up to her, many times. It blows up worse, I have to pick my battles and really be careful with how I respond.




Noman said:


> You mentioned she gets $600 a month. Is she on disability, perhaps for mental problems?
> 
> Either way, buy this, absorb it, then live it & stop being a doormat.
> 
> If she doesn't respond positively, pretty quickly, you may be S.O.O.L. and may want to start an exit plan.


The $600 is just what I give her out of my paycheck for spending money. Thanks for the reccomendation.




Diceplayer said:


> THIS!!! She treats you this way because you allow her to do so. This is all on you my friend. Nothing will change until you man up and get your balls out of her purse. You are frozen by fear of what others will think about you. Who gives a damn about what they think about you? Think about how it will affect your children by having a door mat for a father. They will grow up with the idea that your model of marriage is how things should be. You will damage them. You need to fix yourself now!


Hard to hear, but some facts here.

I really need to stick to a plan, do my best and if she doesn't come along it will be time to move on.




CatholicDad said:


> All I can say brother is my wife struggled as a new mother at home alone all day with a baby/toddler. Pregnancy was super exhausting for my wife as well. Worse yet, the world really looks down on stay at home moms so I'm betting SHE feels like a lazy loser (because that's how the warped world looks at motherhood now). In sum, she's grumpy and depressed likely and I certainly would be to if I were in her shoes- stuck at home all day (especially with Covid going on).
> 
> It's actually a really huge blessing that you get to jump up and go to work and "kill it" in the business world. Reading between the lines you're sort of announcing your superiority to your wife but the reality is- YOU actually have it pretty good because you're not stuck all day in the monotony of motherhood and feeling like you can't get anything done.
> 
> ...



I appreciate that, and some of it makes good sense about how she may feel about herself whether she realizes it or not.

I/we both have it pretty good, I try to remain grateful and keep things in perspective. I just want to be treated with respect and feel like I have a teammate in my corner in my wife.




In Absentia said:


> Don't do the 180 ******. Doesn't work. Have a chat with your wife and tell us what you told us here. Then say you can't cope anymore and that you are arranging for a nanny to take your place. Move out for a few weeks or until she "gets it". It might be never. Pregnant women survive without husbands...  She will be very angry with you, but hey, you need your sanity. All this if you are prepared to go through divorce, otherwise you will stuck in Dante's Inferno all your life. Good luck!


I have told her things like this. She will typically try to turn it back around on me and point out my flaws. But something MUST change and I'm going to try my best and if she doesn't improve I will force myself to make a change. Thanks.




LATERILUS79 said:


> The amount of leeway you are giving to this woman is excessive. As such, her victim mentality will continue to grow and she will learn nothing.
> 
> I agree with you that the popular opinion is to look down on SAHM these days. Thankfully, the popular opinion is carried by those who don't matter. Those are the same people that harbor a million other ridiculous values that make no sense.
> 
> ...


Thing is, when I finally complain to her about how she treats me. She will say things like "you're always the victim, poor you. Get over yourself and man up!"





CatholicDad said:


> You can’t “fire” your wife. I think OP complaining about getting up early and rushing off to work is immature too. All we’re getting is his side and I think she has a tougher, more thankless, and probably works more hours than he does.
> 
> I said he just needs to take on her bad behavior when it happens... no point in journaling it for us. I never said be her floor mat.


Never complained about getting up for work, disagree with your "immature" take.

P.S. I work more hours than her. Her "work" is typically Mon-Fri between 8-4. That's 40 hours. I work 9 hours a day at my office, come home and work 4 more hours of being dad and chores, and on the weekends it's pretty much all me. I will take our son from the time he wakes until he goes to bed. She may come along if we go somewhere or may chip in a little but weekends are probably 80/20 (80 being me). Not to mention holidays and vacations when I'm out of the office, similar split or maybe 60/40 (60 me).



In Absentia said:


> We never asked him about their sex life.


Good point. It's almost non-existent at this point. Which is a BIG part of our problem IMO. But how can I be intimate or in the mood to try? I know it's partly my personality/issue, but it's hard! Before she got pregnant, it was already sluggish (maybe 1/week) and now it's been like once in the past 2 months. And she will always put it on me, even though I've been the one to instigate sex for a long time now. And she will complain that we don't have more sex and that I don't passionately kiss her anymore. Why because I'm always turned off and in my own head about everything. On top of being exhausted, lol. To add more fun to this, I have a heart condition which doesn't help.




CatholicDad said:


> He can’t share 50% of child care responsibilities if he’s gone 40hours per week plus the commute.
> 
> My wife wasn’t the best housekeeper either.. but she fed, played with, read to my babies all day long and they grew up knowing they are/were loved.
> 
> But heck, just thought someone on here should stick up for the voiceless SAHM here. I just hope OP will work to pick her up versus throw her away.


Thank you again, I'm trying and the last thing I want is divorce.

My wife does work hard to be a good mom, this is true and part of why I love her and appreciate her. I'd rather have a messy house than kids being neglected for example.




LATERILUS79 said:


> its one of the main reasons I stay at places like TAM. I want to learn as much as I can about how men and women interact with each other - not only for my own marriage (which TAM has greatly helped), but also for my twins (boy and a girl).
> I feel like I’ve got the boy locked down good. I can easily pass on the proper values to becoming a good man. I worry though about my daughter. I am terrified for her to learn and absorb modern culture outside of our home. I would be mortified if she ever turned into what OP is dealing with in his house.
> OP’s wife is acting like an entitled brat - and our modern culture is teaching this to be ok.
> 
> OP needs a 50/50 marriage where both partners are looking to help and hold each other up. OP appears to be trying to hold up his wife while she is looking to constantly tear him down.


This.

I'm yearning for a true partner who has my back and thinks more of me or at least treats me like she thinks I'm a good person and worthwhile. I feel unappreciated and worthless at times, but I know I'm valuable. What does Dr. Phil say? Something like 

Yes, she does act like a brat a lot. I blame her parents, ha!


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No offense, but your life sounds hellish.

I hope you get to the point someday you can divorce. Being a single parent will be so much of a better life, sounds like. 

As you children get older, they will notice how your wife treats you and view you the same way she does, with contempt. Get out of the marriage before their view of you is permanently warped by her.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

The positives...

My wife is not perfect, but she is a good mom and works very hard to make sure all my son's needs are met every day. She tries her best to keep him on a schedule and we've done a lot of good things together as parents. Our son is overall a very happy content kid. She tries to feed him fresh and healthy food, doesn't want him to have too much screen time, and wants to keep him active and engaged with mind stimulating activities.

She is fun-loving and we enjoy going out to eat, movies, wine tasting, breweries, picnics and traveling. She can be light-hearted and funny at times.

Yes she is beautiful and I fell in love with her looks right away when we met. We've had a lot of great sex, mostly earlier on. But I think we can get it back if we just break through some of the resentment and things that have brought us to this place.

She is unfortunately the type that treats those closest to her the worst. She almost literally says everything that comes into her mind. Whereas I'm more reserved and calculated. She does have a temper and has insecurities, especially after having a kid and gaining weight, etc. She's at home most of the time while I'm out at work talking to other adults, going to lunches, etc.

I have to find a way to reach her and I think it's going to come down to me being the one who creates the change. If I get up and start cleaning on the weekend, she will follow. If I do a nice thing, she will follow. If I get offended/upset about something she did/said and I shut down and start getting "cold" around her, she will do the same and we end up snowballing to where we are today.

I'm going to have to dig deep and figure this out.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Livvie said:


> No offense, but your life sounds hellish.
> 
> I hope you get to the point someday you can divorce. Being a single parent will be so much of a better life, sounds like.
> 
> As you children get older, they will notice how your wife treats you and view you the same way she does, with contempt. Get out of the marriage before their view of you is permanently warped by her.


I'm definitely concerned with that and keeping it in mind. I don't want me son to seek out a woman that doesn't treat him how he deserves to be treated. And I want my son to respect me. So I don't have much time and within a year or 2, there will be a fork in the road, no doubt.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> Thanks for all the replies and feedback/advice/etc. I appreciate it. I'll do my best to respond to some of this but don't have the time to hit on every single reply/comment.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Brother, you need to love and respect yourself. Women are attracted to men that respect and stand up for themselves. She walks all over you because you allow it.

I see that you are scared of her “blowing up” when you argue.

so what?

let her blow up. Calmly tell her that you don’t see any reason to continue any discussion with her until she can speak to you in a calm, respectful manner.

then leave. Take your 3 year old with you. Go to a park. Enjoy yourself with your child.

what is your wife going to do? Yell at herself in your house?

she’s probably going to blow up your phone. Turn it off. There is no reason to speak with her if she is going to be this way.

this is going to take some time. You’ve conditioned her Into believing that you will accept her hourly sh1t tests. Phew. I had to take a step back from my computer for a second. HOURLY SH1T TESTS.

I don’t know how you do it.

2 things can happen here once you knock down her sh1t tests.

1. shes Crazy. It never gets better. I understand you want to save your marriage, but what are you saving? She puts 100% of her time into making your life a living hell. So much so that you don’t even want to have sex with her. That is bad, dude. Really bad. If she keeps up her tirade for months on end when you stand up for yourself, you need to leave. That is no environment for your children to grow up in.

2. she becomes attracted to your new found spine. She starts to notice that her blowups are no longer working. She starts to calm herself and realize that respectful discussion is the only way that you will communicate with her. At this point, you can start to discuss your marital issues and come up with a plan where both partners look to help each other and lift each other up in a loving, happy marriage and family. I think marriage counceling at this point would help -but she absolutely needs to show that she will work with you once you start respecting yourself.

Speaking of communication, I strongly believe you need to cut off all communication with her during the work day UNLESS

1. it’s an emergency
2. It’s something important to discuss about your child.

all other communication can wait until you get home because she clearly has nothing important to say and is in fact interrupting you from doing your job properly. You didn’t say it outright, but my guess is that you are consciously thinking About where ever you are walking all day at work wondering when the next text is coming in. Should I walk over to Janice’s desk to get that report? Maybe I shouldn’t. Wife will know I walked over there and it will start an argument. I better call Janice to come over to me to drop it off.
That crap can’t happen. You have to be able to do your job effectively without your wife interrupting you all freaking day.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Brother, you need to love and respect yourself. Women are attracted to men that respect and stand up for themselves. She walks all over you because you allow it.
> 
> I see that you are scared of her “blowing up” when you argue.
> 
> ...


Appreciate that, amigo!


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> The positives...
> 
> My wife is not perfect, but she is a good mom and works very hard to make sure all my son's needs are met every day. She tries her best to keep him on a schedule and we've done a lot of good things together as parents. Our son is overall a very happy content kid. She tries to feed him fresh and healthy food, doesn't want him to have too much screen time, and wants to keep him active and engaged with mind stimulating activities.
> 
> ...


im not seeing much here in the way of positives.

I’m 42 in a month. My mother is 70. We don’t talk much. I love her, but I don’t like her. I see and talk to her about 2 times a year. Nothing serious. I tell her absolutely nothing about my life. She’s desperate to be involved with me and my family.

why is this? Because the moment my dad came home from work every single day she would start a screaming match with him. Every day. He’s come home exhausted and waste his remaining energy on fighting my mother. He had nothing left to give my brothers and I. I started to wish for my dad to leave my mother by the time I was 10. I ended up growing up with a lot of problems. My father thought that my mom did a great job while he was at work. She didn’t. All the yelling and fighting she did with him was transferred to me and my brothers when he was gone. I hated myself as a child and my mother did a fantastic job of helping me feel that way.

you may think your wife is a great mother while you are gone. Do you really know? My dad sure as hell didn’t. My mother to this day thinks she did a great job at raising her 3 kids. Nope. She did a piss poor job and my dad never held her accountable - and she’s flabbergasted as to why she and I don’t have a good relationship.

I tell you this because I think your wife doesn’t magically change when you leave the house. I’m convinced that she doesn’t. I saw it myself growing up.

I implore with you, I beg you, don’t let your children grow up in an environment like this. It is going to hurt them greatly and have long lasting effects.

you cannot walk on eggshells around your wife. You have to gain control of this situation. She either accepts a loving, respectful relationship with you, or she can leave because I can guarantee you that your children will be affected by your current relationship with your wife.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> im not seeing much here in the way of positives.
> 
> I’m 42 in a month. My mother is 70. We don’t talk much. I love her, but I don’t like her. I see and talk to her about 2 times a year. Nothing serious. I tell her absolutely nothing about my life. She’s desperate to be involved with me and my family.
> 
> ...


Wow. This is great insight, thanks. Taking this to heart.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> I know I'm a little sensitive in nature


This is where I think you're 100% wrong. 

A sensitive person would have had a breakdown and/or a heart attack at minimum by now.

Your heavily skewed assessment of the situation is what's at least in part leading to your hesitation in acting on this intolerable situation.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

msimmism21 said:


> but she is a good mom


Sorry, but a good mom doesn't scream at dad and berate him in front of his son....


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> This is where I think you're 100% wrong.
> 
> A sensitive person would have had a breakdown and/or a heart attack at minimum by now.
> 
> Your heavily skewed assessment of the situation is what's at least in part leading to your hesitation in acting on this intolerable situation.


I have actually had 1 heart attack since we've been together. And have had a couple panic attacks/meltdowns. She likes to throw those in my face once in a while. But in the last few years I've been able to, for the most part, handle it much better and not allow myself to get that worked up like I did the first few years with her.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

This morning she was upset with me because our son came into our bed in the middle of the night because there was a thunderstorm and it kept her awake for a couple hours (me too on and off), and apparently I didn't do enough to soothe my son during that time. I woke up and helped him into bed at first and rubbed him. He didn't seem scared to me, and he didn't even say anything. But he kept moving around and sitting up to listen to the storm and I guess I didn't help her enough. 🤷‍♂️

I kissed her goodbye and tried not to let it ruin my morning as I drove to work. I decided not to address it and by the time we texted/talked later in the day she was fine (although she did reiterate that next time it's all on me to soothe my son in the middle of the night), so I didn't argue about it.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> I have actually had 1 heart attack since we've been together. And have had a couple panic attacks/meltdowns. She likes to throw those in my face once in a while. But in the last few years I've been able to, for the most part, handle it much better and not allow myself to get that worked up like I did the first few years with her.


Dude.

Please re-read what I've written on stuff you can start doing to stop arguments in their tracks.

You need to shut this down and do it NOW. I could be empathetic to slow build up and moving towards taking control.... but your medical conditions say otherwise. This needs to be solved and it needs to be done now. It doesn't matter if your wife is pregnant. That is not an excuse. That is an insult to women to say they can't handle adult conversations because of pregnancy hormones. Women have agency; pregnant or not. 

You cannot be having panic attacks brought on by your wife. The fact that she throws this in your face? Why, man... WHY? Why do you accept this? 

Do you feel that you settled? Do you feel like she was the best? That you couldn't do better?

If you feel this way, don't. You are a VP in your company. You are successful. There are MANY women that are attracted to successful men that can handle themselves. You do not need to be with your wife. Please do not allow this woman to cause you medical problems leading to another heart attack. Think of your children! They need you!

While I'm thinking about it, you mentioned that part of her problem is that your ex-girlfriend was a co-worker hence she doesn't want you to get hooked up with any other co-workers (Ok. So she is jealous). How is it that even though she is worried about losing you to another woman she has the audacity to treat you the way she does? One would think she would go out of her way to be the best version of herself if she was worried about losing you. Not tearing you down at every opportunity. Have you ever asked her why she stays with you? Why does she want to be with you? Her actions say that she doesn't want to have anything to do with you.


----------



## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> But in the last few years I've been able to, for the most part, handle it much better and not allow myself to get that worked up like I did the first few years with her.


My underlying point is that you've set your breaking point far higher than most people's.



> > You're living under intolerable conditions and adjusting YOUR response to KEEP living under it.


Despite this having already caused a heart attack and panic attacks, which, if I understand correctly, she actually ridiculed you about, just for added effect.

You need to be deeply concerned for your long term health and sanity. This does not seem to me to be the place and time to 'muscle through'.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

msimmism21 said:


> This morning she was upset with me because our son came into our bed in the middle of the night because there was a thunderstorm and it kept her awake for a couple hours (me too on and off), and apparently I didn't do enough to soothe my son during that time. I woke up and helped him into bed at first and rubbed him. He didn't seem scared to me, and he didn't even say anything. But he kept moving around and sitting up to listen to the storm and I guess I didn't help her enough. 🤷‍♂️
> 
> I kissed her goodbye and tried not to let it ruin my morning as I drove to work. I decided not to address it and by the time we texted/talked later in the day she was fine (although she did reiterate that next time it's all on me to soothe my son in the middle of the night), so I didn't argue about it.


This woman is nasty.

No man I've ever known (and I'm in my 50s) would stand for being spoken to like that. They'd either be proactively on their way to a divorce, or would be strongly letting it be known that that exchange and attitude had greatly harmed the relationship -- and he wouldn't be able to act normally in the relationship until it was addressed. 

Why wasn't your reaction to her something like--are you ****ing kidding me? With a look of incredulousness. 

If I were you I'd get into individual counseling to figure out why you are okay with being talked to this way.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

msimmism21 said:


> I'm definitely concerned with that and keeping it in mind. I don't want me son to seek out a woman that doesn't treat him how he deserves to be treated. And I want my son to respect me. So I don't have much time and within a year or 2, there will be a fork in the road, no doubt.


You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy....stat!


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LATERILUS79 said:


> im not seeing much here in the way of positives.
> 
> I’m 42 in a month. My mother is 70. We don’t talk much. I love her, but I don’t like her. I see and talk to her about 2 times a year. Nothing serious. I tell her absolutely nothing about my life. She’s desperate to be involved with me and my family.
> 
> ...


You too. My mom was a very controlling person. 
The last strae for me was dad had diabetes and ED. She made the comment to friends and family while sitting at a table in a restaurant, "Even if i wanted to have sex, he couldn't get it up!" 

I wanted to say she was the problem. When he had that 30 yr old bustom blond nurse working on him at the VA with her tits litterally in his face, he left the room with a smile and a raging boner. Me thinks the off switch for him was between his ears where she was concerned. 

My sister and I both wished he had divorced her and found a woman who loved him.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Thanks for all the replies and feedback. I'm taking it seriously and doing my best to figure this out.

We recently had our 10 year "first date" anniversary. A decade, phew.

Ultimately I blame myself, I should have taken the red flags more seriously early on and just left back then. But now I have a beautiful son and another baby on the way which I wouldn't trade for the world.


----------



## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

Sorry to say, but your wife and your life (with her) sounds like an absolute nightmare! You need to man up asap and start making serious and decisive changes. I'm honestly horrified by what you've written about how your wife treats you. It's thoroughly disgusting and beyond the pale. 

You sound like a good man, husband and father. You deserve so much better! You CAN do better! Whether that is with her or not remains to be seen (I have my doubts). She'd need to do a heck of a lot of work to become a partner worth continuing your life with. Do you really want to spend the rest of your days living like this? 

There are plenty of good, kind and loving women out there who aren't looking to keep your ba**s in her purse and you in a constant emasculated state. Your wife needs a serious "come to jesus moment" wake up call! 

This will NOT get better, only worse, as time goes on. As horrible as this feels now, imagine another 20 years of this and how it'll feel then, after you've spent all your best years on someone who thinks so little of you and treats you with such disrespect and distain. It will eat your soul and leave you a shell of what you once were.

I believe I saw someone recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to you. Get it! Now! Put your foot down and STOP letting her manipulate and walk all over you! "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got".


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

The only time I hear (more like read) nice things is on holidays/occasions (birthday, father's day, anniversary, etc.) when she writes them in a card. 

It used to mean a lot to me, and now I feel numb to it. I just don't believe it because that's not how she treats me and looks at me day in day out. 

Lately I'm criticized for not getting my son to sleep soon enough and throwing off his schedule. He is a little over 3 and is now in a phase of testing limits and talking back. It's challenging at times, but I supposed what you'd expect at this stage. So getting him to the dinner table on time, in and out of bath on time, and to lay down and go to sleep on time isn't always easy. 

She says goodnight to our son and leaves the room and I stay in the room to keep him there and get him to sleep. 7 days a week, and for about the last 6 months. I used to do weeknights and she'd do weekend nights but my son started asking for me to stay on weekends so I do that now too. I love the time with my son, but a break now and then would be nice. But all I ever hear is how she doesn't get enough breaks or alone time (SMH), especially now that she's pregnant. And I hear things like "you get away everyday at work for 9 hours!". Oh, that's my break? My job/career and supporting our family, got it. I mean, I get it in the sense that I get out of the house and she doesn't. But she is free to go do whatever she wants, I'm not holding her at home. It's like, what do you want from me?!

Also, my son has been slapping/hitting when he gets upset, started a while back at a younger age. I was reading an article about it to help nip this in the bud, and shared the article with her. The response from her was that my parenting is part of the problem (again SMH).

Yesterday I left work at 3:55 and texted that I was on my way home, her response was simply "take your sweet time why don't you". The day before the reply was "tick tock". But then 15 minutes later "check mail please" with a kiss emoji.

I don't know what I did to be tortured (lol) like this.

Today she is going to happy hour with friends. Great, have fun. That is my response and I mean it. And I have to come home from work early any time she does that. And it's a nice break from her so my son and I can relax and do our own thing. It's never "hey can you come home work early?" it's more like "get home extra early today, I need out of this house!!".

Then she went on to gripe about how I need to take more time off work. I just took a week in late May and come home early and give her breaks frequently. And "you better believe your paternity leave will be way longer this time!!" (I took 2 weeks with our first baby)

I want out, I just don't see this turning around for me/us.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

NorthernGirl said:


> Sorry to say, but your wife and your life (with her) sounds like an absolute nightmare! You need to man up asap and start making serious and decisive changes. I'm honestly horrified by what you've written about how your wife treats you. It's thoroughly disgusting and beyond the pale.
> 
> You sound like a good man, husband and father. You deserve so much better! You CAN do better! Whether that is with her or not remains to be seen (I have my doubts). She'd need to do a heck of a lot of work to become a partner worth continuing your life with. Do you really want to spend the rest of your days living like this?
> 
> ...



Thank you, I guess that's what I need to hear and accept. I'm just struggling.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You've gotten a lot of good advice here so far. Have you used any of it? Have you tried to calm any of her arguments with you? Have you turned off your phone or ignored her ridiculous calls and texts at work? Have you stopped taking your phone with you everywhere so she can no longer track you at work? You know, the place where you earn money to take care of your family? Have you left your house with your son for a few hours when she starts ridiculous arguments at home? Why do you continue to allow her to treat you like this?




msimmism21 said:


> She says goodnight to our son and leaves the room and I stay in the room to keep him there and get him to sleep. 7 days a week, and for about the last 6 months. I used to do weeknights and she'd do weekend nights but my son started asking for me to stay on weekends so I do that now too. I love the time with my son, but a break now and then would be nice.
> 
> Also, my son has been slapping/hitting when he gets upset, started a while back at a younger age. I was reading an article about it to help nip this in the bud, and shared the article with her. The response from her was that my parenting is part of the problem (again SMH).


Remember what I said about my mother? How the screaming arguments with my father were just transferred to my brothers and me once he left the house?

Why do you think your son only wants you to put him to bed?

Why do you think your son is starting to hit/slap when he gets upset?

Definitely something to think about.



msimmism21 said:


> I don't know what I did to be tortured (lol) like this.


You know exactly what you did to be tortured like this. Don't lie to yourself. You are tortured like this because you allow it to happen. No other reason. You allowed it. Everyone here can give you advice, but no one can save you from this misery. The only person that can save you is YOU.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Also, why does your wife need a girls night out? Is she smart enough not to be drinking while pregnant? 

She always seems worried that you will cheat with a co-worker. Sounds like projection to me.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

msimmism21 said:


> Lately I'm criticized for not getting my son to sleep soon enough and throwing off his schedule. He is a little over 3 and is now in a phase of testing limits and talking back. It's challenging at times, but I supposed what you'd expect at this stage. So getting him to the dinner table on time, in and out of bath on time, and to lay down and go to sleep on time isn't always easy.
> 
> She says goodnight to our son and leaves the room and I stay in the room to keep him there and get him to sleep. 7 days a week, and for about the last 6 months. I used to do weeknights and she'd do weekend nights but my son started asking for me to stay on weekends so I do that now too. I love the time with my son, but a break now and then would be nice. But all I ever hear is how she doesn't get enough breaks or alone time (SMH), especially now that she's pregnant. And I hear things like "you get away everyday at work for 9 hours!". Oh, that's my break? My job/career and supporting our family, got it. I mean, I get it in the sense that I get out of the house and she doesn't. But she is free to go do whatever she wants, I'm not holding her at home. It's like, what do you want from me?!


So, tonight, YOU kiss him and walk out (and go out for a walk or something) -- let HER deal with it.
Don't be afraid of her getting angry -- she ALREADY IS.



> Also, my son has been slapping/hitting when he gets upset, started a while back at a younger age. I was reading an article about it to help nip this in the bud, and shared the article with her. The response from her was that my parenting is part of the problem (again SMH).


Again, tell her "so, did YOU do any research into this? What is YOUR solution to the problem? I will let you deal with this from now on" and walk away.



> Yesterday I left work at 3:55 and texted that I was on my way home, her response was simply "take your sweet time why don't you". The day before the reply was "tick tock". But then 15 minutes later "check mail please" with a kiss emoji.


This is even easier -- STOP texting her when you leave work. Why do you have to check in -- is she a freaking punch clock or something? Don't text since you KNOW she will just give a snarky response -- and if she asks why, TELL HER THAT -- because you don't want to deal with her BS snarky texts when you leave work.



> Today she is going to happy hour with friends. Great, have fun. That is my response and I mean it. And I have to come home from work early any time she does that. And it's a nice break from her so my son and I can relax and do our own thing. It's never "hey can you come home work early?" it's more like "get home extra early today, I need out of this house!!".


STOP coming home early. First, if she's pregnant, what is she drinking at happy hour? She can go when YOU get home. Stop kow-towing to her.



> Then she went on to gripe about how I need to take more time off work. I just took a week in late May and come home early and give her breaks frequently. And "you better believe your paternity leave will be way longer this time!!" (I took 2 weeks with our first baby)


What is SO freaking hard for her to do that YOU need to do it instead? YOU have your job, SHE HAS HERS. Tell her to do her job!


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Assuming you really want to save this marriage, everything you are doing is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. Your wife is losing respect for you by the minute. But seriously, I don't think trying to save this marriage is worth it. I think you just need out.


----------



## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Brother, you need to love and respect yourself. Women are attracted to men that respect and stand up for themselves. She walks all over you because you allow it.
> 
> I see that you are scared of her “blowing up” when you argue.
> 
> ...


^^^THIS^^^

Your wife needs to feel some very serious consequences for her behaviour towards you. She does NOT respect you whatsoever, and she never will if you don't do something about it! Kiss her *ss harder all you like but it'll get you nowhere, and just more of the same. I mean, how's that been working for you so far? Do you really believe doubling down on what you've been doing is gonna make things better? Come on..You have to know it's not. 

You rewarding and reinforcing her bad behaviour instead of giving her negative consequences, will just justify in her mind, her treatment of you. You are NOT going to "nice her" outta this by doing more cleaning, being more loving, offering her more free time, etc. She needs a full on shock to the system. She needs to fear losing you and her comfy lifestyle if she isn't willing to change. Please get "No More Mr. Nice Guy" asap!!! Can't stress this enough! You need this help and guidance. "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" is another you should have in your arsenal. 

Rome wasn't built in a day. You're gonna have to keep at this. Dig in deep and demand the respect you deserve. And in the end if she's not willing to follow where you're heading. Divorce her and find a quality woman who will. And as for staying in this misery for your kids? I've seen a really great quote that goes something like this: "better to be from a broken home than raised in one". ;-)


----------



## alexismazur (Sep 8, 2020)

If he's not communicating with his wife. Spreading a bunch to others, all the problems are his fault. He needs to quit playing poor me. And stop lying to her. He's a narcissist 


ccpowerslave said:


> That’s some truth bombs there!


He needs to be honest and quit taking his wife for granted
She wouldn't try so hard if he would just shut up and listen!!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I could have written this thread almost word for word. She sounds like a clone of my wife who is clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My ex wife, much like your wife, is broken, and there is no fixing them. There is no possibility of even a remotely healthy relationship with them. 

Long story short, after 20 years together, and 17 years married to her, divorcing her was the best money I have ever spent in my life.

That said, the disfunction my children were witness to will have serious negative impacts on the rest of their lives. I used to buy into all that crap about keeping a marriage together at any cost for the children, but seeing the damage my marriage to their mother has done to them is heartbreaking. The marriage you have is far more destructive to the kids than any divorce ever could be.

My biggest mistake was not leaving much sooner.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

LATERILUS79 said:


> you may think your wife is a great mother while you are gone. Do you really know? My dad sure as hell didn’t. My mother to this day thinks she did a great job at raising her 3 kids. Nope. She did a piss poor job and my dad never held her accountable - and she’s flabbergasted as to why she and I don’t have a good relationship.
> 
> I tell you this because I think your wife doesn’t magically change when you leave the house. I’m convinced that she doesn’t. I saw it myself growing up.
> 
> I implore with you, I beg you, don’t let your children grow up in an environment like this. It is going to hurt them greatly and have long lasting effects.


THIS ^^^^ 1000%. Your kids are and will be defenseless against her. She has full authority. She will do the same to them all day when you're gone. This will ruin your kids. She will constantly put them down and they will have low self-esteem. If you don't want to stand up for yourself, that is one thing, but you have to stand up for them.... you will need to at least show these kids what normal life is like is 50% of the time.

You need to calmly but firmly call her out all these things she is doing when she does it. This will feel like you are declaring war. Commit to staying calm and stay the course. You will at some point need to end this unless you are the one off case that a person like this changes, but it is very rare.


----------



## alexismazur (Sep 8, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Again, simple. Ok if you don't like what I'm doing, YOU now get to do it since you know everything.
> You already know she is going to get pissed off -- she is NOW even with you NOT standing up to her.
> So, stand up to her. You are going to get crap either way. At least this way, your son will see that what she is doing is not acceptable.
> Is it ok for your 3 year old to hear Mommy saying she is going to slap Daddy? You want HIM to think that is OK?
> ...


REDACTED due to breaking the rules.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

msimmism21 said:


> I ask myself this frequently. I feel trapped I guess.
> 
> *If I leave, I'm the bad guy that deserted his family. I contribute to a broken family and my kids suffer*. I'd rather suffer than my kids suffer. I want to break the cycle of divorce and dysfunction. I'm trying my best tbh.


For the love of all that is HOLY.
Knock this off now!!

Your kids are *WAY *more observant than you think they are.

Best option - children raised in a household where both parent love and respect each other.
Second best - children raised in separate households where both parent love them and can be amicable to each other for the kids sake.

Do not fool yourself for one second that your martyrdom will break the cycle of divorce and dysfunction.

Your kids will grow up in a house hold with no love.
Your kids will grow up in a household with no respect.
Your kids will grow up thinking they can treat their spouces horribly.
Your kids will grow up thinking this is normal.

Do you honestly think that will break the cycle of dysfunction?

This is the single worse thing you can do and claim it's for love.
What are you going to do when your kids figure out that they are the reason you remained in a horrible marriage?
Angry and hateful of you they will be because you couldn't be the parent to help protect them. Instead you put all the pressure of the parents remaining together on them.
Yeah, that'll break the cycle of dysfunction.



msimmism21 said:


> *I've tried many times to tell her *that I don't appreciate being disrespected, etc. I know I'm a little sensitive in nature,
> but don't feel that most people would put up with her.
> 
> Our discussions always go sideways, she will change the subject and villainize and/or discredit me.


No you haven't.
You have acquiesced in every single attempt.
You allow her to change the subject.
You allow her to villainize and discredit you.





msimmism21 said:


> I don't want to end up a single parent trying to co-parent with her.


This is a huge issue.
Your fear of doing anything is crippling you.
you fear being a single parent.
You fear bring divorced.
You fear standing up to her.
You fear telling her no.

It's mind blowing that you're this afraid.

First thing for you is to get into some therapy and figure out why you allow her to treat you this way.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

alexismazur said:


> Thats all lies. Quit playing poor me. You probably do nothing at all. Lies lies lies.


So Alexis, I am guessing you are his wife. Can you talk about YOUR side of things here?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

alexismazur said:


> REDACTED


Whoa! If you are OP's partner, start your own thread. But don't start calling people liars without substantiating it. If you want to present your side, that's fine. But that's not what you are doing ^^here.^^


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Whoa! If you are OP's partner, start your own thread. But don't start calling people liars without substantiating it. If you want to present your side, that's fine. But that's not what you are doing ^^here.^^


Something's not quite right with that. The OP account says Joined 14 days ago. The Alexis account shows joined 11 months ago...with zero posts until two days ago on this thread.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

alexismazur said:


> If he's not communicating with his wife. Spreading a bunch to others, all the problems are his fault. He needs to quit playing poor me. And stop lying to her. He's a narcissist
> 
> He needs to be honest and quit taking his wife for granted
> She wouldn't try so hard if he would just shut up and listen!!


WTF.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

sideways said:


> You have a VP position but your wife wears the pants in your home and to be blunt you're too afraid to stand up to her.



this^^^^. Wow! sounds like you are afraid of her. While you're reading no more mr nice guy, download the Manipulated Male by ester villar and read a few chapters.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

I appreciate everyone's input. A lot to process.

Last night at dinner we were talking about a doctor appt. for my son the next day (which is today). The doctor will only allow 1 parent with the child (covid precautions). Well she thought I should stay home from work and help her with that. I was confused, why would I need to do that? I need to work and didn't plan to take off or anything. She got annoyed and said "you should be handling this" and went on to say something like "you can take your BS conference calls at home". (like that's all I do at work is sit around and gab on conference calls? uhh no). 
I stayed calm and said "please don't talk about my job like that" - she glossed over it and got quiet - we didn't say much after that and went on with bath time after dinner etc.

I just wish I understood. There are times when she's aggravated that I'll say "please tell me what's really bothering you? What are you worried about?" etc. She has a very hard time ever answering me and I never truly get an insight to what is going on with her, I have to speculate.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She is just plain a *****, sounds like. No one nice talks to someone like that. Yuck.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

msimmism21 said:


> *I just wish I understood.* I never truly get an insight to what is going on with her, I have to speculate.


She's acting in a way that you have permitted and even encouraged for a very long time. You put her on a pedestal and made her a Queen. this is what you get for doing that. the blame rests with you and unless you change in a big way it will never stop. The simple answer is that she doesn't respect you. Buy the Predatory Female by Rev Shannon. Read the two books I recommended and you'll start to catch on. You are going to see yourself and your marriage in those books. You need to be educated and armed with knowledge in order to handle this. You are in a submissive position in which you don't have a wife but rather a boss. You can no longer just be the nice guy -- they get run over and you are proof of that. It doesn't work.

Your first move should be planning the logistics of separation. Figure out when to spring it on her when you know what the fk you are doing. You are going to have to go No Contact with this woman. No Contact can be very effective if handled properly. It will give you time and peace of mind to build back your confidence and masculinity. Once you are in your right mind you will never take this sht. At this point, you'll be in a position to move forward with Divorce. You'll know whether it's the right thing to do.

Join a gym tomorrow. Start working on your body. You'll see positive changes in 6 months. This will help you gain confidence.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> I appreciate everyone's input. A lot to process.
> 
> Last night at dinner we were talking about a doctor appt. for my son the next day (which is today). The doctor will only allow 1 parent with the child (covid precautions). Well she thought I should stay home from work and help her with that. I was confused, why would I need to do that? I need to work and didn't plan to take off or anything. She got annoyed and said "you should be handling this" and went on to say something like "you can take your BS conference calls at home". (like that's all I do at work is sit around and gab on conference calls? uhh no).
> I stayed calm and said "please don't talk about my job like that" - she glossed over it and got quiet - we didn't say much after that and went on with bath time after dinner etc.
> ...


Your wife......

Brother, I don't even know what to say. 

I get marital issues that put you on the fence. I get it. I truly do. None of us are perfect. I stayed in a dead bedroom for over a decade. I've made mistakes. I was wishy-washy on divorce. We all know the feeling of, "I don't want to divorce. I love my spouse even though they did this bad thing to me".

However, your wife is next level. She is so next level that it's pretty clear cut. You ever heard the expression, "I can't define or describe pornography to you, but I know it when I see it" that is your wife. It is extremely easy to see that she is NOT wife material. Even for someone like myself, it would not be hard for me to leave. If my wife treated me even half as as bad as what your wife does along with the dead bedroom, it would be so easy for me to say, "there's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out."


Nothing here will change until you make it change.


----------



## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

I did not finish reading all your posts here yet but reading the first two I thought the way you described your day and contributions reminded me of my husband and when he talks about himself in the general sense. When we argue it is a lot of exaggeration and feeling misunderstood on his part.

He tells me he does the dishes 99% of the time (as an example) and that is purely just how it appears to him, because he ignores everything that I do and he may or may not see. I started telling myself that it may be normal in marriages that you start early days by paying attention to the other person, what they do and feel and after a certain point it becomes all about yourself. But can you change it around and see things like you wish she would have seen from your perspective? Can you truly list all the things that she does and feels? Have you asked anyone around you for their observation and if what is obvious to you is really happening? If my husband did ask, I am sure people would tell him and he would get out of his head.

I am not suggesting this is you, and just trying to share a female perspective and what may be a scenario.

I know I ask my husband to talk to me and it fades away even more every day. What I am really asking him is to be curious about me, allowing me to be present for him and share anything silly or serious about me. Do you ask your wife questions? Do you talk about the things that is interesting to both of you?

Sounds to me that her remarks may be a sign of something deeper and a frustration that has built up and she is not able to communicate directly. Have you asked her what it would take to make her feel at ease ( if you think she is controlling)?


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Lady duck said:


> I did not finish reading all your posts here yet but reading the first two I thought the way you described your day and contributions reminded me of my husband and when he talks about himself in the general sense. When we argue it is a lot of exaggeration and feeling misunderstood on his part.
> 
> He tells me he does the dishes 99% of the time (as an example) and that is purely just how it appears to him, because he ignores everything that I do and he may or may not see. I started telling myself that it may be normal in marriages that you start early days by paying attention to the other person, what they do and feel and after a certain point it becomes all about yourself. But can you change it around and see things like you wish she would have seen from your perspective? Can you truly list all the things that she does and feels? Have you asked anyone around you for their observation and if what is obvious to you is really happening? If my husband did ask, I am sure people would tell him and he would get out of his head.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input! Fair points and at times I do need to step out of myself and look at her objectively. I try to do that often.

I do notice things she does, and there are some things to appreciate. Right now is a bad time, because she's been exhausted and not feeling well due to being in her first trimester of pregnancy. So I'm doing more and more on a daily basis than ever. I can only imagine once the new baby is born. But that's life! I don't care that it's hard work. What I care about is how she treats me. I don't deserve to be criticized for every move I make. I don't deserve to be looked at with disgust and talked down to. Hell, sit on the couch and eat bon bons and I'll bust my ass for you, but treat me like a human with some respect. That's all I need.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> Thanks for your input! Fair points and at times I do need to step out of myself and look at her objectively. I try to do that often.
> 
> I do notice things she does, and there are some things to appreciate. Right now is a bad time, because she's been exhausted and not feeling well due to being in her first trimester of pregnancy. So I'm doing more and more on a daily basis than ever. I can only imagine once the new baby is born. But that's life! I don't care that it's hard work. What I care about is how she treats me. I don't deserve to be criticized for every move I make. I don't deserve to be looked at with disgust and talked down to. Hell, sit on the couch and eat bon bons and I'll bust my ass for you, but treat me like a human with some respect. That's all I need.


Don’t ask for respect.

command it.

she can either respect you inside your marriage or as a single divorced mother. Her choice.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

Lady duck said:


> I did not finish reading all your posts here yet but reading the first two I thought the way you described your day and contributions reminded me of my husband and when he talks about himself in the general sense. When we argue it is a lot of exaggeration and feeling misunderstood on his part.
> 
> He tells me he does the dishes 99% of the time (as an example) and that is purely just how it appears to him, because he ignores everything that I do and he may or may not see. I started telling myself that it may be normal in marriages that you start early days by paying attention to the other person, what they do and feel and after a certain point it becomes all about yourself. But can you change it around and see things like you wish she would have seen from your perspective? Can you truly list all the things that she does and feels? Have you asked anyone around you for their observation and if what is obvious to you is really happening? If my husband did ask, I am sure people would tell him and he would get out of his head.
> 
> ...


And I do try to be honest and not exaggerate as that's not helpful to the situation. I'm truly not trying to take anything away from her. By some folks' standards I give her too much credit as you can see in this thread, haha.

So weekends lately, I've been doing 95% of the duties (not exaggerating I promise). I tell her to do whatever she feels like. Want to sleep or relax and watch TV, go for it. Want to get your nails done and go shopping, go for it. I'll get up with the kid, change him, feed him, take him out to do fun things, play with him around the house. Put meals on the table (whether cooking or picking up carry out), do the dishes, do the cat litter, take out the trash, put the kiddo in bath, read books and get him to bed. Honestly, I do it every weekend all weekend. And when I get home from work during the week around 4:15, I take over for the rest of the night doing the same things I do on the weekend. 

But when I don't hear thank you and instead I hear criticism or get barked at and told what to do and how to do it, it gets VERY difficult. I don't even need a thank you, just need to NOT be b*tched at and treated like crap and when I calmly express that she just says things like "oh poor you, you're always the vicitim. I'm pregnant and my books say I should be moody and emotional, etc.

There is no winning, that is how this has felt for many years. And by winning I just mean, harmony and a happy environment for all. I'm not trying to "win" arguments, etc. or always try to be right. I just want a happy home. And no I don't expect everything to be rainbows and sunshine. But a genuine hug and kiss and a genuine intimate/connection moment here and there would be great. Some give and take, feels like there's a lot more take on her end. 

Does she do dishes sometimes, yes. Does she do laundry once in a while, yes. Do I belittle her for making my clothes smell musty from leaving them in the washer overnight or for leaving them in the dryer/basket for days on end leaving them so wrinkled I can't wear them? Or gripe about how poorly she loads the dishwasher leaving the dishes still dirty after the dishwasher runs? Nope. Have I tried to calmly tell her these things in a normal manner, yes. Did I regret trying? yes. Usually feels like a no win situation with her.


----------



## msimmism21 (Jul 21, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Don’t ask for respect.
> 
> command it.
> 
> she can either respect you inside your marriage or as a single divorced mother. Her choice.


I think I need to accept that it's not going to happen, not fully anyway. She might be fine for a day or 2, but the inevitable will happen.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> I think I need to accept that it's not going to happen, not fully anyway. She might be fine for a day or 2, but the inevitable will happen.


Then sir, the quicker you get on with it, the sooner you can enjoy the rest of your life. If she is incapable of respecting you within the marriage, she damn well sure respect you outside of it when she sees you living your best life.

You put her on a pedestal she did not deserve or earn, and yet, she thinks she is owed this pedestal. 

I hope for your mental and physical well being, you get moving on this sooner than later.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

msimmism21 said:


> Thanks for your input! Fair points and at times I do need to step out of myself and look at her objectively. I try to do that often.
> 
> I do notice things she does, and there are some things to appreciate. *Right now is a bad time, because she's been exhausted and not feeling well due to being in her first trimester of pregnancy*. So I'm doing more and more on a daily basis than ever. I can only imagine once the new baby is born. But that's life! I don't care that it's hard work. What I care about is how she treats me. I don't deserve to be criticized for every move I make. I don't deserve to be looked at with disgust and talked down to. Hell, sit on the couch and eat bon bons and I'll bust my ass for you, but treat me like a human with some respect. That's all I need.


You realize there are plenty of single women who go through pregnancy, delivery, child rearing while holding down a job to support themselves and their kids with *zero* help from anyone, the baby daddy is nowhere to be found. They have nobody to bych at.

My wife went through four pregnancies and was a SAHM until all four left home. My job often involved mandatory overtime, and we had no family nearby to help. Never a complaint from her ever about anything. So your wife needs some lessons IMHO. How about everytime she criticizes something you do, just stop doing it from that point forward? She doesn't respect you because you allow yourself to be disrespected.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

msimmism21 said:


> I think I need to accept that it's not going to happen, not fully anyway.


Well of course not! Until and unless you are willing to assert yourself with this witch, you're going to continue getting treated like crap.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why a man would tolerate such nasty, disrespectful behavior from his wife. There are no real consequences for her actions/behaviors, so what you see is what you get. Hope you enjoy the rest of your life with this harpy. Jeesh!


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

msimmism21 said:


> Thanks for all the replies and feedback. I'm taking it seriously and doing my best to figure this out.
> 
> We recently had our 10 year "first date" anniversary. A decade, phew.
> 
> Ultimately I blame myself, I should have taken the red flags more seriously early on and just left back then. But now I have a beautiful son and another baby on the way which I wouldn't trade for the world.


Abuse victims often do blame themselves. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

msimmism21 said:


> The only time I hear (more like read) nice things is on holidays/occasions (birthday, father's day, anniversary, etc.) when she writes them in a card.
> 
> It used to mean a lot to me, and now I feel numb to it. I just don't believe it because that's not how she treats me and looks at me day in day out.
> 
> ...


Unless you become stronger, this will not change. 

There is a way to fix this, but it requires more work from you than you currently appear willing to give. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

When was the last time you took a weekend to build something? To use fire to cut metal? Use metal to cut stone? Rather than taking care of the child and wife all weekend after working all week to take care of them?


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

msimmism21 said:


> And I do try to be honest and not exaggerate as that's not helpful to the situation. I'm truly not trying to take anything away from her. By some folks' standards I give her too much credit as you can see in this thread, haha.
> 
> So weekends lately, I've been doing 95% of the duties (not exaggerating I promise). I tell her to do whatever she feels like. Want to sleep or relax and watch TV, go for it. Want to get your nails done and go shopping, go for it. I'll get up with the kid, change him, feed him, take him out to do fun things, play with him around the house. Put meals on the table (whether cooking or picking up carry out), do the dishes, do the cat litter, take out the trash, put the kiddo in bath, read books and get him to bed. Honestly, I do it every weekend all weekend. And when I get home from work during the week around 4:15, I take over for the rest of the night doing the same things I do on the weekend.
> 
> ...


If she criticized then tell her it is hers to complete from now on since you cant do it to her satisfaction.....and you do not touch that job again.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just about anyone with a toddler is fully extended because all you do is chase them around all day bent over keeping them out of trouble. And now she's pregnant. You are a successful businessman. FFS, hire her some housekeeping or childcare help! 

And then once you do, learn how to not let her shut you down in an argument.


----------

