# Quick Question - "I cant give myself to you"



## WhatAstrangeTime (Jun 6, 2015)

I have a brief question. But I'll be back here for much more help soon with my long sad story 

The brief questions is... if your wife says "I can't give myself to you anymore" what does that mean. I really am having a hard time parsing that - it seems so vague. I followed up with her and asked what she meant but it wasn't helpful. Her reply was "Isn't that what marriage is about" [Oh, and yea man, I find this kind of non-conversation sooooo frustrating and unhelpful!]

I don't *think* she was meaning sexual/physical but maybe she was. She doesn't consider sex a big deal in marriage and after menopause lost even more interest. So I think she's speaking about something grander... but I just don't know. Ladies????


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This sounds very fishy. I would start monitoring her. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html for details on how to do it.
But do not let on that you are suspicious!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

rather then take the question out of context, can you elaborate on the conversation in total in which this was said the statement, also why are you posting this in going through a divorce ?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Without the full context. I would guess:

I can't sexually give myself to you anymore. I don't feel for you that way. 

I don't want to be in this marriage because it's taking too much from me.

I can't give anymore in this marriage because I don't feel like it's going anywhere.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, that phrase is a passive way of saying I would like to divorce, but don't want all the headache. Phone locked? Checklist for red flags? I would do research, but without your full story, hard to give an informed answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Without knowing more info I would say she's done or she belongs to someone else now.

Ranks up there with the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I took it to mean that emotionally she cannot continue to work the marriage thru, she has no desire to be with you sexually and try to satisfy your needs. I would not take offense to this, I think she is being honest with you. I do not know what all has happened to lead up to this point but I am kind of guessing there is hurt on her part. Emotionally we do give up on our spouse when there has been repeated hurt. Too, women hormones are not like the male. The male desire for sex is 8-10 greater than for women and we are effected by what goes in the marriage. If there is lack of support or lack of interest shown other than sexually by you to your wife it will influence how she feels about you and wanting to be intimate with you. If you are seeking other women or porn to satisfy your needs she will see it and the hurt becomes harder for her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it means: "i don't want to give myself to you anymore!"


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

WhatAstrangeTime said:


> I have a brief question. But I'll be back here for much more help soon with my long sad story
> 
> The brief questions is... if your wife says "I can't give myself to you anymore" what does that mean. I really am having a hard time parsing that - it seems so vague. I followed up with her and asked what she meant but it wasn't helpful. Her reply was "Isn't that what marriage is about" [Oh, and yea man, I find this kind of non-conversation sooooo frustrating and unhelpful!]
> 
> I don't *think* she was meaning sexual/physical but maybe she was. She doesn't consider sex a big deal in marriage and after menopause lost even more interest. So I think she's speaking about something grander... but I just don't know. Ladies????


I would think it means she's having sex with someone else, and she feels that having sex with you would be cheating on him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

marduk said:


> I would think it means she's having sex with someone else, and she feels that having sex with you would be cheating on him.


Yep, this senario plays out time after time. Like a broken record.


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## WhatAstrangeTime (Jun 6, 2015)

Context: Almost exactly a year ago she said she wanted a divorce. We went through marriage counseling for about 5-6 months and while *I* though we were making progress on a specific list of issues, she did not and filed for Divorce last November. We are right now in the midst of all the negotiations about finance and child custody. I have a lot to say and ask of all you wise people very soon because it seems like a roller coaster and also like the person I married and lived with for 20 years has disappeared and been replaced by a semi-stranger who seems to think little of lying (justification: to avoid confrontation).

This weekend during one of our discussions about the lousy way it is going I said something like, 'well, you know. All this goes away if we give counseling another try.' That's when she said, 'No.... I just can't give myself to you again.'


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill now. Smells like another man in the mix.

Go online, takes about 30 minutes.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

She's done man. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

WhatAstrangeTime said:


> Context: Almost exactly a year ago she said she wanted a divorce. We went through marriage counseling for about 5-6 months and while *I* though we were making progress on a specific list of issues, she did not and filed for Divorce last November. We are right now in the midst of all the negotiations about finance and child custody. I have a lot to say and ask of all you wise people very soon because it seems like a roller coaster and also like the person I married and lived with for 20 years has disappeared and been replaced by a semi-stranger who seems to think little of lying (justification: to avoid confrontation).
> 
> This weekend during one of our discussions about the lousy way it is going I said something like, 'well, you know. All this goes away if we give counseling another try.' That's when she said, 'No.... I just can't give myself to you again.'



Ok check this out and listen good....

This attempted MC was all a mask. She was no question seeing someone else during this time and still is.

She did this to make herself feel better, it had nothing to do with you or the marriage. It was a way that she can tell everyone she really tried and it just didnt work.

You wanna know why I know this...because I did it!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

On one level it doesn't matter if she's seeing someone because it sounds like you guys are divorcing. 

But on the other hand it's worth looking into for yourself. If she's cheating, then her assessment of the marriage is too skewed to give you any feedback as to what happened. Cheaters rewrite history so bad that turns into something completely different than what you experienced. 

But if she's not...then what she is saying is that she has given too much of herself for the marriage and/or for you. She put her needs aside for a long time and now she wants those needs met and you are used to the status quo and have no desire or ability to meet the needs. The truth is, you probably can't tell what her needs are. There is a pattern that involves her not getting her needs met. And in your established relationship the patterns are too ingrained, and she knows she is never going to get her needs met. 

But again, rule out cheating.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BlueWoman said:


> On one level it doesn't matter if she's seeing someone because it sounds like you guys are divorcing.
> 
> But on the other hand it's worth looking into for yourself. If she's cheating, then her assessment of the marriage is too skewed to give you any feedback as to what happened. Cheaters rewrite history so bad that turns into something completely different than what you experienced.
> 
> ...


This says it all. Both sides of the binary equation.

Do the detective work while the divorce is in play. 

After the fact-----> it will be easier to swallow one single unhappy wife, then to swallow an unhappy wife that has been and is lip-locked to a big fat hirsute POSOM. Getting both down your throat will choke the hapless boa-constrictor in you. If you know before hand you will not take a bite at the rotten apple. 

The marriage is over. 

I am incessantly curious and would want to find out why! I would do the detective thing. Wait for the detectives on this site to tell you how to do this.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like she's done with the marriage but you want to give it another go? Her words are a nice way of saying 'fat chance I'm getting back with you'. 

This far into the divorce process (almost 6 months), I wouldn't bother looking into infidelity. Instead, work on emotionally disconnecting from her. Do the 180.

When does the divorce become final?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Man, what is it about the twenty year mark that seems to be the down fall of marriage. I've had my own theories for a while about monogamy and long term marriage but twenty years seems to be a very common number on TAM. It just seems like the women that are going to cheat do it at the twenty year mark, the men that are going to cheat seem to do it much sooner.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Here's the referenced detective thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

bankshot1993 said:


> Man, what is it about the twenty year mark that seems to be the down fall of marriage. I've had my own theories for a while about monogamy and long term marriage but twenty years seems to be a very common number on TAM. It just seems like the women that are going to cheat do it at the twenty year mark, the men that are going to cheat seem to do it much sooner.




I think it's the 40s. That's pretty much where it hits you that you're on the downside of your life term and you start questioning everything.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Maybe she feels like she gave for 20 years and didn't get much back so she's done.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I think it's the 40s. That's pretty much where it hits you that you're on the downside of your life term and you start questioning everything.


I can see that. I used to think that MLC was just some made up BS people used as an excuse to do stupid things until I found myself knee deep in all those typical mid life thoughts about all the things you've never done but wanted to, how your running out of time to do them and most importantly the person in the way stopping you from doing them because they represent every responsibility in your life that you are presently resenting.

It was a struggle, still is some days. Doesn't help that I have a very conservative wife that is dead set against any kind of change to just freshen things up a bit but we are trying to work through it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

unbe said:


> Ok check this out and listen good....
> 
> This attempted MC was all a mask. She was no question seeing someone else during this time and still is.
> 
> ...


Just curious - did it work? Did you feel better? Did you fool anybody else? I only ask because this was done to me.

OP, I think she is done. Prepare for whatever and get on with your life. One thing I would caution is that you make some real choices about priorities. I see way too many guys decide on the wrong priorities coming out of a marriage and going into a divorce. They draw all sorts of lines in the sand and p1ss away thousands of dollars and years of time fighting over inconsequential stuff because of bad priorities. If I did one thing right once my ex walked out, was I decided if she doesn't want to be with me I was going to get it over with as quickly and cheaply as possible.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Just curious - did it work? Did you feel better? Did you fool anybody else? I only ask because this was done to me.


I wasn't interested, truly interested in making my first marriage work. I had lost my love for her years before we were married but because we where together for so long and had many expectations of our family I decided to go through with it. (Young, stupid...selfish!) 

6 months in my eyes started to wander and I knew it was time. However, everyone wanted us to work it out so we agreed to marriage counseling. I knew it wasn't going to work.

Going into it half assed there is no chance of it working. I did manage to fool my family that I tried everything though (friends also but not my close ones, they knew the truth)

I didn't do it for me, I did it for the show.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She can't give herself to you any longer in any way because she's done (and probably has been done for awhile). She wants you to quit bringing up R so the divorce can proceed.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> On one level it doesn't matter if she's seeing someone because it sounds like you guys are divorcing.
> 
> But on the other hand it's worth looking into for yourself. If she's cheating, then her assessment of the marriage is too skewed to give you any feedback as to what happened. Cheaters rewrite history so bad that turns into something completely different than what you experienced.
> 
> ...


Very good advise. I think when someone wants a divorce the first thing the spouse thinks is they have to be having an affair. It does happen a great deal but is not always the case. A spouse can very easily check out of the marriage emotionally. You mentioned that when you were in counseling a year ago you thought it had progressed well. I wonder if she did not feel the same and when she saw old habits coming back she finally checked out for good.


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