# Another like the others and dont know what to do.



## SamHam01! (Jul 31, 2020)

Married 8 years ago together 10 years -mid 40s.
my wife seems to have no interest in sex. I think, or am told it's a combination of factors. it's been going on for more than 7 years. When we dated I was a bit kinkier but she was engaged and often initiated and was playful sexually.

1. She has a fibroid condition that made her period often painful and she bleeds often. 
2. 7 years ago we moved across the world to her home country from the East cost of the USA to Japan. We dont make as much money as we used to, we have lived with and help her aging parents
3. We had major career changes.
(we also dont have kids)

I understand the combo of conditions arent prone to sexual intimacy- i express my understanding.
In dealing with her health condition, she got very interested in Indian Ayurvedic medicine, she has become increasingly rigid regarding her stringency in practice of this. She has also become a germaphobe as a result of the condition, and i feel as if i am always dirty or being told often-- im not clean (i do shower daily and wash my hands) but the feeling i get is that to her, I'm icky. she says sex now doesn't feel good. 

We have sex maybe 2 times a year sometimes, a year has passed and nothing. 

She is definitely affectionate and playful, just non-sexually-- likes kisses and hugs- but there is ZERO sexual spark from her. None. She often pushes me away when i do try to initiate any kind of sexual interaction. it's always "not right now" "i have to go get ready for work" or she falls asleep when i am affectionate with her at night in bed, sleeps so deep she never wakes and is not respondent if i kiss her on the cheeks or touch her gently during sleep. if she does stay awake, she kinda lays there to receive kisses and touch, not on the genitals but light foreplay...maybe slightly breasts and nipples, but usually gets turned off and touch back or i get frustrated by the lack of reciprocation and give up. 

Occasionally ill touch her ass or lower back in the shower, or wash her body which she allows, but always runs out to do other things before sex can happen. other times and more often she pulls away. 

I go through phases of trying to revive things, and have been lately--though often after repeated rejections or tepid response i get really sad and give up. 

Today we were playfully trying to pass each other on the way out for the morning, and as doing i reached up and rubbed over her shirt where her nipples are with my my fingers-- not in a hard or rough way just playfully- then her mood instantly changed to disgust, and she barked "do you think women like to be touched like that?!". It was not rough, I didnt pull or poke, and i have never prior by a girlfriend or lover in the past been told that my touch is bad-- it was really normal playfulness in all my other experiences would have been completely ok.

Last week in bed when she wasn't able to sleep i tried to pull her over to me a few times in groggy state feeling playful, and she said, "i dont feel good, and i dont like you pulling me over there" i asked what was wrong, she said her stomach didnt feel right and just want to read on her phone and be left alone. I rolled over with my back to her-- and she responded "you cant stand it when you don't get your way" -- mind you we havent had sex but 1 time for 5 minutes, since February, nor did i do anything but try to pull her closer to me. 

Since last year we have had sex- 2 times. 1 when we went for a weekend near hot springs, the second time was last week, it lasted 5 minutes, because she needed to go to the bathroom, and when she returned, the mood was done. it's now July 31. When we last had sex in February on a weekend getaway, she expressed regret that she let it get to the point it has. she said she'd do somethings to change-- and work on it. After. NOTHING. That last time in February i took her to nice hot springs, very romantic place- though she wouldn't engage in any play in the private hot spring area. i got pretty annoyed, because it was specifically a romantic place. but the limited range of acceptable situations for the rare occasions we do have sex has also gone down to -- bed only. sheets must have been washed. 

on the rare occasions we do have sex, she is tepid about it. I have pleaded with her to look into why her libido is gone and there is no passion. I have expressed that i want to feel desired sometimes by my partner. I support and understand the medical problems and stress, and that sex doesn't have to be only coitus- but the sexual energy and desire is important-- and believe me i know it's not the same as when a relationship starts, but there is nothing from her on the desire or expressions of sexuality. I asked her to try and masturbate just to try and get the feeling going, even if im not there-- i dont think she ever does.

I tell her she is cute, attractive, i compliment her when she looks nice, i kiss her and hold her hand and am affectionate-- im supportive of her regarding work issues and encourage her and offer support. I am certainly not perfect- but, I am decent looking, loving, i make her laugh. She often says she loves me, i make her life better and happier and I absolutely believe her. I don't question the love part. But, the libido and lack of passion-- I cant understand it. 

I see responses by people here for these types of issues and i recognize, communication is a key. I have tried. repeatedly. I'm hurt-- and i often loose my ability to keep from becoming crazy emotional when having conversations about this. because i have tried. And the last time we really had the talk was that time in February. I know divorce is an option but she is my only family -- my parents are gone and have no kids- tho i do have some friends but, I live in a foreign country, and the thought of divorce means i probably have to go back to the USA and I dont have anything support system there. 

I have recommend counseling but it' really expensive here and we cant afford it. She also isnt receptive to marriage counseling.I wish there were other healthfully sexually engaged married people we could talk to openly. Because if i bring it up, she gets defensive and shuts down or pushed back.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to touch the fibroid Condition: fibroid should be removed. If it’s painful and causes a lot of bleeding ( potential for anemia) , it should be gone. Any reason this hasn’t been done yet?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

So, would you judge that your marriage ruined your sex life ?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SamHam01! said:


> 1. She has a fibroid condition that made her period often painful and she bleeds often.


It can be hard to "feel good" when you don't feel good. If that condition has persisted for long enough, the idea of pain/discomfort and sex have likely become inseparable. 

My wife has a few friends with similar conditions and it is surprising that many chose to NOT do anything about it as if it is untreatable. The condition is however very treatable in a variety of ways. There may be some concern over losing one's fertility for some options such as a hysterectomy (if the fibroids are that bad and warrant that procedure). So what exactly does her doctor advise her to do?

So there is the 2nd problem in that getting pregnant could be very risky and complicated for your wife. Given that you and your wife are in your mid 40s AND have fibroids, I am fairly certain that a doctor would strongly advise against you wife getting pregnant. That could be a huge concern for your wife that you should not underestimate. What are you doing in terms of family planning? 

If a doctor has recommended your wife for a hysterectomy, she may feel like it is the end of the world for being a female. It is definitely not. Some women that have decided on a hysterectomy feel as though it was the best decision ever made as they no longer suffer through problematic cycles that often result in anemia. The procedure can be done leaving the ovaries in place so that your wife still maintains all her natural hormones. 

Don't allow your wife to stick her head in the sand and ignore something that is 100% treatable!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Hysterectomy would not be first choice here. They just remove fybroids. If that doesn’t work they consider other options.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Hysterectomy would not be first choice here. They just remove fybroids. If that doesn’t work they consider other options.


If the OP and his wife were in their 30s, then a hysterectomy shouldn't even be discussed in favor of other options. But he did say they are in their mid 40s. At that age with fibroid complications, the idea of getting pregnant is going to be problematic if not really risky. That makes a one-day laparoscopic hysterectomy procedure a good option for discussion. This because it is a once and done solution and prevents further complications or the need for a more invasive surgical hysterectomy that will require hospitalization once the fibroids get too big to remove via the birth canal laparoscopically. 

Ultimately it is up to the doctor and insurance. But I know at that age the insurance companies prefer a one-day-once-and-done option that removes the risk of later complications or a risky pregnancy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ablation is a god send.

Just so you understand: Your sexuality situation will never be satisfactory and your wife sounds like she is turning slowly into a medical belief freak show. It’s sounds like a no return situation even more than most I see here.

I love Japan. Ebisu was a great place to live for 2 years.


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## SamHam01! (Jul 31, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to touch the fibroid Condition: fibroid should be removed. If it’s painful and causes a lot of bleeding ( potential for anemia) , it should be gone. Any reason this hasn’t been done yet?


Yes-- she absolutely did not want surgery, after consulting with various doctors here.--which led her to Ayurveda. Ebiysu is not far from where i am


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

if she has fibroids, make sure you keep her away from any of the material by Dr Stella Immanuel. She claims fibroids are from "evil deposits left by spirit husbands." And that endometriosis and cysts etc are from having sex with demons. 

Keep demons and spirit husbands out of your house.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Hysterectomy would not be first choice here. They just remove fybroids. If that doesn’t work they consider other options.


It depends on how large they are, how many there are, and where they are (some are actually growing in the uterine wall).


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Hey Sam, did you know Japanese people don't have sex with their spouse? Maybe they do when they live in other countries, but they don't in Japan. They have children with their spouse but actually have sex with other people after that. I can't know if that practice permeates the entire country or the entire culture, but it's no secret that that's the way it is. I know that sounds strange and probably unbelievable, but I've heard it several times over the past 3 or 4 years. You're not the first westerner to complain about his Japanese wife. It seems the women don't bother to tell their western-culture husbands. So I don't know if her female problems are the reason, or if that is all she tells you. And I wouldn't suggest you ask her about it but maybe ask someone else there if you want to confirm what I'm saying. Perhaps you have a few friends there you could ask.


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## SamHam01! (Jul 31, 2020)

StarFires said:


> Hey Sam, did you know Japanese people don't have sex with their spouse? Maybe they do when they live in other countries, but they don't in Japan. They have children with their spouse but actually have sex with other people after that. I can't know if that practice permeates the entire country or the entire culture, but it's no secret that that's the way it is. I know that sounds strange and probably unbelievable, but I've heard it several times over the past 3 or 4 years. You're not the first westerner to complain about his Japanese wife. It seems the women don't bother to tell their western-culture husbands. So I don't know if her female problems are the reason, or if that is all she tells you. And I wouldn't suggest you ask her about it but maybe ask someone else there if you want to confirm what I'm saying. Perhaps you have a few friends there you could ask.


Oh-- I am well aware. there's a lot of sexlessness here too. MY wife lived in the states for 20 years tho, so she also had her own expectations of marriage- outside of the Japanese standards.


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## SamHam01! (Jul 31, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> if she has fibroids, make sure you keep her away from any of the material by Dr Stella Immanuel. She claims fibroids are from "evil deposits left by spirit husbands." And that endometriosis and cysts etc are from having sex with demons.
> 
> Keep demons and spirit husbands out of your house.


she is into medicine but she's very savvy, logical and not superstitious person.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SamHam,

Does she masturbate that you know of, or keeps in touch with ex lovers.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I know a few women that have this condition. They get it treated by their gynecologists and have a normal sex life. One of them is very active by some of the comments she has made past to my my and I.

This sounds like it is a lot more than what she claims. There is not much you can do at this point. Either except it, divorce or open up the relationship.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SamHam01! said:


> Married 8 years ago together 10 years -mid 40s.
> my wife seems to have no interest in sex. I think, or am told it's a combination of factors. it's been going on for more than 7 years. When we dated I was a bit kinkier but she was engaged and often initiated and was playful sexually.
> 
> 1. She has a fibroid condition that made her period often painful and she bleeds often.
> ...


She sounds like she's developed some phobias about germs and all that. Her saying you're dirty but still kissing and being playful makes no sense. Honestly, she just sounds like she's just kind of spun off. I'm glad you don't have kids. I'm sorry you will feel isolated if you divorce her, but I don't see how this is going to get better. A psychologist for her is the best hope of seeing what else is at play here. But of course, if she has simply lost the sexual spark to you, counseling won't fix that. But if it's phobia-driven, it might fix that.


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## SamHam01! (Jul 31, 2020)

Thanks everyone. Since posting- my wife Is in constant lower back pain. I encouraged her to go to the doctor, she went to have her back checked out for hernia, but the doctor said her back is fine- it’s most likely connected to her fibroids. It’s literally been almost 2 months of - “oww oww oww” every time she bends over it gets up and she walks like a robot, this is not a joke or exaggeration, it’s kinda disturbing. Additionally her dentist also just gave her a mouthgaurd for when she sleeps—so that’s a new layer of health issues to blockade physical sexual intimacy of the kissing variety

so now— with the back pain that’s in her uterus and the teeth gaurd, any kind of kissing and squeezing at night is out of the question.

I know all the people here that say leave have valid reason. and here’s why, here’s how it played out just now,

I just earlier came back tonight from being away for 2 nights to do a project.

I came in and directly made her special dinner, and after I did the cleaning up and went to the bedroom to relax, when she joined, I started to gently kiss and touch her back Sensually (of course not genitals or sex) genuinely sweet. Kissed for maybe 1-2 minutes- she gets up, brushes her teeth after I brush mine, I return and gingerly lean to her, and she said- “I put in the mouth guard so i can’t kiss You anymore, and need to get up early”

She kind goes dead bodied, pulled her face back in rejection, frustratedly I slid to the other side of the bed

I told her straight— I support her with her health issues but it’s crossing a line now and has been for years, and there’s always new walls she’s put up to block our intimacy, I need to be in marriage with intimacy and mutual sexual desire and I’m ****ing lonely and fed-up and feel unwanted and unsexy” “I only wanted to kiss after being gone a few days” Knowing the other Physical problems Limit everything else” I told her “I pay attention to her, compliment her, tell her she’s attractive often, and put in effort”

she sheepishly apologized, a difficult thing for her. acknowledging my effort, said she feels bad, she’d go back to the doctor(Gyno) and was going to do some working on it, her way, and depression and other issues are factors, but didn’t really say more and needs to go to sleep because it’s 10pm and she’s gotta get up at 5am.

I’m angry and can’t sleep. As I said- other parts of our relationship are mostly really good.

I can’t help but feel like some women would really enjoy being kissed that way, have dinner made for them, and cleaned up.

Im crazy because I’m scared to go of my marriage. I still love her and don’t want to abandon her knowing the health issues are part of the intimacy issue but psychological issues weigh bigger. A fool wishing something could work to heal this- but shes cruel in a passively thoughtless way, even though I know she really loves me. 

I’m painfully lonely, especially in these moments of rejection. And confused and without support.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

SamHam01! said:


> Im crazy because I’m scared to go of my marriage


You don’t have a marriage, at least, by most definitions. You have a friendship/roommate situation. You’ve been content to put up with her behavior for years and you’ve never done anything about it so she knows she can continue after making some half-hearted apologies and empty promises to try. You have taught her how she can treat you and she’s learned well.

It’s time to tell her that you cannot and will not make her change, but that you’re no longer willing to live this way. Initiate a separation and/or divorce. If she comes around, you can always cancel that. I doubt she will at this point. Or, if you can’t imagine leaving, then accept that your sex life is now forever over, and be happy with that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

gr8ful1 said:


> You don’t have a marriage, at least, by most definitions. You have a friendship/roommate situation. You’ve been content to put up with her behavior for years and you’ve never done anything about it so she knows she can continue after making some half-hearted apologies and empty promises to try. You have taught her how she can treat you and she’s learned well.
> 
> It’s time to tell her that you cannot and will not make her change, but that you’re no longer willing to live this way. Initiate a separation and/or divorce. If she comes around, you can always cancel that. I doubt she will at this point. Or, if you can’t imagine leaving, then accept that your sex life is now forever over, and be happy with that.


Yes, this. Health issues, my ass. I developed large, huge fibroids suddenly in my late 40s. I had surgery (best thing I ever did, my body is so incredibly happy now) so I could continue a normal life, because that's what people do. I'm better than ever and sexually I feel like I'm still in my 30s. 

******** on the mouth guard, as well. I was in a relationship with a man who wore one for snoring, guess what, he put it in _AFTER sex and any and all other fun stuff we enjoyed together_, after we said and kissed our final goodnight right before nodding off to sleep. This isn't rocket science. That you accept mouth guard insertion as an actual reason to avoid kissing or any other contact is ****ing amazing.

That's how people handle fibroids, health problems, and mouth guards, people who WANT to have an intimate, full connection with their partners.

You are getting not only the short end of the stick with this woman, you are getting a splinter of a toothpick, maybe. It's your choice to stay with her. Probably time to either quit complaining about her or GTFO of the relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> I am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to touch the fibroid Condition: fibroid should be removed. If it’s painful and causes a lot of bleeding ( potential for anemia) , it should be gone. Any reason this hasn’t been done yet?


I agree, I had a hysterectomy in my mid 40's due the same condition. However I doubt it would make her want more sex if she did have the operation, its in her mind not her body.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Honestly, at this point just inform her that, if the situation doesn't improve, you are going to go outside your marriage to satisfy your needs. Alternately, tell her that you will be divorcing. I don't see things getting better for you. Indeed, from what you've shared here, it seems that things are getting worse.

Don't spend the rest of your life like this.

p.s. Whatever you do, don't cheat. If you do decide to go outside of your marriage, make this fact very clear to your wife before you start looking.


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## SamHam01! (Jul 31, 2020)

I’d really like any medical info for my own information to discus with my wife from any women who have dealt with this and not lost their libido or desire for sex-

I confronted the issue again today. I said it’s no longer acceptable. And frankly maybe not her intention, but cruel.


I for myself, basically, decided it’s time for one of three paths- she actively works out her psychological issue as to why she has no libido, we have an open marriage or we get divorced.

I’m still a good looking enough guy, I could find someone I’m attracted to who also cares to put energy into an engaging sexual and physical connection in a relationship.

so to move forward with the issue I want to provide a starting point of framing the conversation that, though the fibroids are a health issue, other women deal with it and don’t lose their libido- the real issue is either psychological or she just doesn’t want me.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

No libido might be , at least partially, result of not treated fibroid situation. But from what you are describing there is so much more going on. Health issues seem like excuses.


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