# Phew....what next



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

OK

I've got to the bottom of my wife's affair and she is now telling the truth. I know this because I have dragged the details of the affair kicking and screaming into the limelight, with recorders etc. Now, everyone knows about it and all the sordid details are out. It basically lasted 2 weeks before D-Day and then 1 month after D-Day, during which time I ripped the affair apart. I kept catching her and bringing it into the open and in the end she just sort of collapsed into telling the whole tale.

My wife's personality has now changed. She is utterly depressed, cannot see any future, and says she still loves me but also loves him. Her loyalty is clearly towards him - she defends him on any criticsm - but she knows this is wrong and is trying to re-align her loyalties. She is devastated about destroying the marriage and struggles to see any happy future in any direction. she says she cannot figure herself. She says the feelings for the OM will not go away overnight and I know this. She also says she "needs to know and has to know" if she can make her marriage work and this is only possible if the OM is out of the equation. However, she is extremely stressed by the contstant accusations (and indeed revelations) of lying.

I've told her I am staying vigilant and will not trust her for some time. I've also said this is the last straw. If I catch one more lie I am done, as I am sick of being on this emotional roller coaster. At the same time she is finding it very awkward to be affectionate, and intimacy is out of the equation. I sort of understand this. She loved or loves another man - i f*cking hate it but thats how she feels, fogged up or not.

So we seem to be at a beginning. I've told her I will stop accusing her of things and getting angry at the drop of a hat to give her some peace and stability but this is on the clear condition of complete honesty and openess. 

We are VERY awkward around each other. The emotional conection has clearly been broken. We still say we "love" each other, but I obviously feel it and she sort of feels it. I crave attention and affection and she cannot deliver, although she is trying more and more each day - little notes, hugs, kisses, holding hands etc.

How do we move forwards together without destroying each other.

Oh, and by the way - thanks everyone. Everything you said was true. Trickle truth, going underground, blame shifting, the works.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Seems like you are forcing a reconciliation when she's clearly does not want to.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I admire your strength in working on reconciliation.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

aug said:


> Seems like you are forcing a reconciliation when she's clearly does not want to.


Says she loves me, says making the marriage work is the "right" thing, says she "has to know if it can work". If I talk about leaving then its tears and begging. Dunno what else to base a reconciliation on to be honest. She clearly is not ready for reconciliation - she's too messed up about the other guy, but I'm not sure what options I have other than to wait it out..


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don't know why the situation is acceptable to you.

She doesn't want you, just the marriage.
She's in love with another man who she prioritized over the marraige she claims to want( but not the husband).

She's not remorseful, just guilty.

Doesn't seem like much of an 
R to work for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don't know why the situation is acceptable to you.


Because at the end of the day I still love the woman and would like to have her back in my life.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

What she is going through is normal and is part of the withdrawal .

Did she write the NC letter ? if not have her hand write one, you approve and send. Do not share any plans or steps you are taking . Is the OM out of her life and has he been exposed?

Btw : it is easier for us if you keep your postings on the same thread , opening a new one causes us to repeat advice and lose track of what you have done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> Because at the end of the day I still love the woman and would like to have her back in my life.


Which woman? Unfortunately, the woman you have known is gone - dead, and your life has dramatically changed too due to her actions.

You have to ask yourself "could I be in love with the woman she has become?" Sounds like she doesn't want to lose the security of the marriage but doesn't want to accept the whole package. If she truly wants you to be the only man in her life, there shouldn't be much to think about it.

The longer you wait without presenting her with any real consequences the less your chances are for R, if that's what YOU want. In your situation time doesn't heal - it makes it worse.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> What she is going through is normal and is part of the withdrawal .
> 
> Did she write the NC letter ? if not have her hand write one, you approve and send. Do not share any plans or steps you are taking . Is the OM out of her life and has he been exposed?
> 
> ...


Sorry, will do this in future!

NC letter is difficult. I pushed for this too early in the process and it was wasted - she called him to warn him about it. Don't see the point in pushing for another one. He'd just assume that it was me forcing her into it anyway. TBH it was all her calling HIM anyway, rather than the other way around. He just didn't say "no". 

Yes he appears to be out of her life - he lives at the other end of the country anyway, so it was more phone calls than anything else. He has been properly, properly exposed. We are all part of a small technical scuba diving community in the country, and both of us are fairly high profile - and the whole world knows about this. He was single so I have no other wife to expose him too. His business partner (nice lady) enabled the affair by passing messages so nothing doing there either. I've exposed him as much as possible.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The NC letter is for you, she does not need to know you may not send it, as an add on I normally suggest a wayward writes a letter of apology to her adult children and parents. These are targeted to place her in a position to acknowledge her infidelity and is a start for her to evidence she is committed to the marriage.

In the meanwhile work on yourself , R is is difficult at the best of times. With her hankering after him it will be a while before she comes out of the fog and realises what she has done . You have to be firm and patient. I suggest you have her actively engage is some of the love buster and emotional needs questionairs on the marriagebuilders site .

If she is serious about recovery she will willingly participate in supporting you. Your through the easy part the rough patches are still to come.

If you so choose go to IC for yourself , MC this early on is a waste of time .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> Because at the end of the day I still love the woman and would like to have her back in my life.



You love someone who can cheat and lie to your face? Someone with low ethical standards? Someone with questionable moral boundaries?


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

aug said:


> You love someone who can cheat and lie to your face? Someone with low ethical standards?


Yup. Life's a ***** huh.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> Yup. Life's a ***** huh.



You'll probably outgrow that. I hope.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

aug said:


> You'll probably outgrow that. I hope.


Doubt it, I'm 45 now.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Before D-day, how much affection and sexual intimacy was there between the two of you?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> Doubt it, I'm 45 now.


Nope, I disagree. Life's a continual lesson.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

aug said:


> Nope, I disagree. Life's a continual lesson.


OK, well played, I have to agree with you there. nice one.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Before D-day, how much affection and sexual intimacy was there between the two of you?


Not Enough, which was definitely a factor. We are working through @his needs, her [email protected] together, and it is proving very revealing for both.

G


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

She needs to go TOTAL NC.

You might want to push for another NC letter as a symbol that she's really into reconciliation. This time you and her should draw it up and send it together, so that it becomes what both of you really want. No matter if he thinks you forced it on him. He(OM) needs to know that the line in the sand has been drawn.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The next time she says something along the lines of "she has too see if it will work". 

Be tough on her and tell he she is either in or out. That saying it like she is, means that she isn't in, and your just being taken for a test drive until she decides if you are worthy of her.

She needs to be bending over backwards to earn the right for you to accept giving her a shot. Right nw she is telling you she giving you a shot, but not to get your hopes up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So there was PA?


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

You are a tough guy mate, I have soft soled my situation for over a year and it has only worked in my W favour. I have, like a lot of good people on this forum sucked up a lot of rage,stress,doubt and fought to stay sane minute by minute day by day. I admire your strength and dignity. Power to your elbow,hope it works for you


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

boto227 said:


> You are a tough guy mate, I have soft soled my situation for over a year and it has only worked in my W favour. I have, like a lot of good people on this forum sucked up a lot of rage,stress,doubt and fought to stay sane minute by minute day by day. I admire your strength and dignity. Power to your elbow,hope it works for you


And yet, here I am once again at 2am upset and can't sleep, whilst she sleeps peacefully upstairs. How the hell is that justice 

I've lost 28 lbs in 34 days. Guess that's how much a soul weighs.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm missing something - she cheated while on a driving trip with him, and then later when you all where together.

This started out as an easy romp for her, but now it's a deep emotional connection?

Frankly this doesn't add up nor does her on going reaction.

I would say there is more here than you know about. Much more. could they have been in contact before the driving trip? Could they still be in contact? 

She is acting not like someone in withdrawl, but someone still in an affair.

Is she still seeing him? Texting him? How is she so in love with him after a short driving trip???


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> And yet, here I am once again at 2am upset and can't sleep, whilst she sleeps peacefully upstairs. How the hell is that justice
> 
> I've lost 28 lbs in 34 days. Guess that's how much a soul weighs.


Because you are the victim and she's the perpetrator. Perpetrators always appears to be better off. If she was remorseful about her actions then she cant sleep either knowing that you're in pain.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually hit the gym, so along with the weight loss you'll be looking pretty buff!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> The next time she says something along the lines of "she has too see if it will work".
> 
> Be tough on her and tell he she is either in or out. That saying it like she is, means that she isn't in, and your just being taken for a test drive until she decides if you are worthy of her.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It seems as though this WW is the one calling the shots and deciding whether R is possible or not. There's something wrong with this picture.

HusbandInPain, you're still in limbo. Either she's all in 100% or she's not. Always remember that R is a precious gift given by the betrayed spouse after the WS has met and worked their asses off to earn that shot at R.

Your WW is still on the fence and continuing to cake eat, and not doing anything to earn that shot at R. The fact that she can sleep peacefully proves that. She should be all worried, crying,losing sleep, losing weight, thinking that you're going to leave her. Since she isn't facing consequences, she can sleep peacefully, knowing that you will take her back at any time. This is disrespectful to you and the pain you're going thru. If you ask me, she doesn't even deserve a chance at R at this point. She needs to be earning it.

Look at the threads here about remorseful spouses. One even attempted suicide, re:Badblood's thread.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

^Damn it, Lord. Every time I see one of your posts, I try to flick that gnat off my screen.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Quick Update: 

I have told her this morning that I expect another hand written NC letter. This time I expect it to be sincere, and for the OM to be consciously pushed away in favour of myself and this marriage. 

I will not live in limbo on 2-3 hours sleep a night any more.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Boto---Where is Hus. In Pain----showing strength and dignity

He is mired in a perpetual state of misery---he just refuses to acknowledge the truth

She is in love with another, and he refuses to acknowledge that truth

She is spose to DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING---to make the R., work----she is doing very little if nothing at all, and based on what he writes, he seems to be pretty much begging her to participate in this now, one sided mge.

So tell me where is his dignity????

She has disrespected him, and even now disrespects him, as he repeatedly now has to threaten her with D., to get her to do what she needs to do, if SHE WANTED TO STAY IN THE MGE, on her own as a wife showing remorse, and being contrite.

If she is staying, it is because, she does not want to face life as a single divorced woman, and all that, that would entail

Don't kid yourself, Hus. in Pain, is living in misery, and he can boast all he wants, but he has a wife, who has her heart elsewhere, and is not in any hurry, to rejoin this mge., except, maybe for financial stability----I guarantee you it's not cuz she wants any part of him!!!!!!!

Hus. in Pain---please do not come back at me, like I am being nasty, and vindictive---all I am doing is looking at your fact situation, from an unbiased, unemotional view, that is not involved. I am just responding to the FACT PATTERN YOU HAVE WRITTEN, in this thread.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> Quick Update:
> 
> I have told her this morning that I expect another hand written NC letter. This time I expect it to be sincere, and for the OM to be consciously pushed away in favour of myself and this marriage.
> 
> I will not live in limbo on 2-3 hours sleep a night any more.


Good. Because you know that LIMBO IS HELL, as we all do.


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## Heather858 (Dec 5, 2011)

Seems like you are forcing a reconciliation when she's clearly does not want to.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Heather858 said:


> Seems like you are forcing a reconciliation when she's clearly does not want to.


Nobody's forcing her to do anything. If she doesn't want to reconcile, she can leave.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

I've begun divorce proceedings against her today. Either this will wake her up and bring her some way out of her fog and make her realise what she is losing, or it won't. Either way I win in the long term. I love her, but I'm not prepared to sit in a house indefinitely and be told she loves another man, or hear her tell me she finds it difficult to be affection towards me, or hear her defend the other man at every opportunity. I hate myself for failing at this, but I've had enough. She needs to wake up, or I will put myself through the inevitable pain of separation.

G


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> I've begun divorce proceedings against her today.
> 
> G


Was it an PA or EA or both...???

Filing for divorce is the right thing to do because she needs to see that you are serious and that you wont tolerate this behavior any longer...

You deserve better....Good Luck


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Bugz Bunny said:


> Was it an PA or EA or both...???
> 
> Filing for divorce is the right thing to do because she needs to see that you are serious and that you wont tolerate this behavior any longer...
> 
> You deserve better....Good Luck


Serious EA, you know as in "Ive fallen in love", but elements of PA - kissing etc, but I don't believe they had sex. Irrelevant anyway tbh. She loves him and not me, her loyalties are with him and not me and thats wrong. Either she wakes up and fixes this marriage with me, or I let the divorce go thorugh. I feel used.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I think you're right. It will do one of two things. Change her, or free you.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Well, that went down well. Screaming, crying, shouting, accusations. "I don't work under time pressure, I can't do anything overnight!" etc etc

G


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> Well, that went down well. Screaming, crying, shouting, accusations. "I don't work under time pressure, I can't do anything overnight!" etc etc
> 
> G



I'll say it for you:

F*)k her and what she can and can't do.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> Well, that went down well. Screaming, crying, shouting, accusations. "I don't work under time pressure, I can't do anything overnight!" etc etc
> 
> G


Then you have your answer. 

Unrepentant and Unremorseful.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> I've begun divorce proceedings against her today. Either this will wake her up and bring her some way out of her fog and make her realise what she is losing, or it won't. Either way I win in the long term.


Good, because what you had originally planned was doomed to failure. As long as she cares even a little bit about the OM then there is no R.

This is really the only way to get to that point, she has to fear losing you over losing the OM. Remember, they want what they can't have.



> Well, that went down well. Screaming, crying, shouting, accusations. "I don't work under time pressure, I can't do anything overnight!" etc etc


This shows she is just settling BUT it can be a good sign as well. You are turning the tables on her and she doesn't like losing control.

She thinks (or tells you) her feelings will return in time with the status quo, they will not. Her feelings won't change until you try to close the door on her and she is forced to deal with losing everything. They need to hit rock bottom before they make the slow climb back into the M. You can't make it easy on her, she has to earn it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Hus. in Pain----you got your answer---if she REALLY wanted YOU and the mge., she would be groveling, doing ANYTHING, AND EVERYTHING, to make the mge. work

What does she do, yells, accuses, blameshifts, and states I need more time

Why does she need more time, so she can keep on with her lover, till the last drop is squeezed out of him

You don't need this kind of crap in your life-----Soon enuff you will see there is a lot more to life, than the misery, and heartache, you are being forced to endure!!!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

of course she had a tantrum, she now knows she can't keep her plan of rug sweeping and keeping the status quo. You took away away her back up lover (you) as an option.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You must let her know that you will no longer settle to have measly crumbs from a cheating wife when there is a world of good, loving and faithful women right outside your door waiting for a man like you to be their companion for life. 

You'd be surprised how much sexual value as a man you'll obtain when women see that you respect yourself enough that you will not take any crap from them.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> Well, that went down well. Screaming, crying, shouting, accusations. "I don't work under time pressure, I can't do anything overnight!" etc etc
> 
> G


These are the words of someone who's been caught putting in half and effort. Instead of "you're right, I need to step up, and here's how I'll do it".

Are they still in contact, because everything she's doing seems like someone still in the EA, not someone in withdrawl.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Stay strong HusbandInPain, you are doing the right thing. Trying to recover from infidelity is hard enough when both spouses want to R and are putting in all their effort, but it just can't be done when there's only one person trying.

Your wife's reaction makes her sound like she was just biding her time. Waiting for who knows what . . the OM . . a new OM . . . some type of financial payoff? I really don't know the answer, but her reaction is not one of a person who is remorseful. It may still wake her up, but proceed with filing for divorce unless you are sure of her intentions to R. It can always be put on hold. 

Watching your wife yearn for another man or leaving her are both painful choices, but by doing the latter you can start to heal. You will not heal if forced to endure her indecision, it will destroy your ego, pride, and confidence even more than it has been already.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this heartache, especially around the holidays. Your wife does not see what she is losing and Morituri is right that there are many women who value a faithful trusting man more than anything. My husband never understood how important and valuable this trait was until he destroyed it by cheating. It's now a source of insecurity to him that he is not the faithful trustworthy husband I thought I had and dreamed of having, instead he's "one of those guys".


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> Well, that went down well. Screaming, crying, shouting, accusations. "I don't work under time pressure, I can't do anything overnight!" etc etc
> 
> G


Par for the course , many waywards do this when they see their backup plan fail. Stand back and carry on as you planned , she will have to choose to commit to you or look for a new life where she knows will fail and is a fantasy .

Stay strong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If your DW (disloyal wife) comes back and reiterates that she doesn't want a divorce simply ask why would you want to continue wasting your time being married to a woman who is in love with another man when you can start a new life and hopefully find a woman who truly loves you?


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> If your DW (disloyal wife) comes back and reiterates that she doesn't want a divorce simply ask why would you want to continue wasting your time being married to a woman who is in love with another man when you can start a new life and hopefully find a woman who truly loves you?


yup, already with you on that one - except that she hasn't actually said anything - she ranted and raved, but now we are home she just seems really quiet and upset. I'm leaving her in peace tbh.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> yup, already with you on that one - except that she hasn't actually said anything - she ranted and raved, but now we are home she just seems really quiet and upset. I'm leaving her in peace tbh.


Right on cue. Look for the mood swings , one minute in love with you the next resentment and loathing. Its her pain, focus on building yourself up and keeping emotionally and mentally stable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Right on cue. Look for the mood swings , one minute in love with you the next resentment and loathing. Its her pain, focus on building yourself up and keeping emotionally and mentally stable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what's that about then - withdrawal from the OM?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> what's that about then - withdrawal from the OM?


Partially, but it's also her fighting you for making her end the affair. It is you and her marriage to you that is keeping her from the OM. 

As I've said before this is usually something you see during an active EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Partially, but it's also her fighting you for making her end the affair. It is you and her marriage to you that is keeping her from the OM.
> 
> As I've said before this is usually something you see during an active EA.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She only went properly no contact a few days ago so im sure its still very active in her head.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

As far as YOU know. How do you know she is properly NC with him?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> She only went properly no contact a few days ago so im sure its still very active in her head.


Oh man, a few days ago. Then you havent been at all in R, she has still been fully feeding the affair chemicals. You didn't stand a chance.

Maybe in a couple of weeks if she can stay away from him, then you can honestly begin to see if R is possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

congratulations! that must have been hard for you but it was the right thing to do.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

A few days ago? man she is still mainlining Infidelium! Let me tell you what comes next.......negotiation. She will want to negotiate for what you took away. OK if I do go NC, you have to stop the divorce. Not because she loves you, but so she stays in control. Just tell her that she should be thanking you for setting her free. Keep moving forward.


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## bangun (Oct 20, 2010)

I feel intention of struggle for reconciliation in baldblood thread even it was a PA. But not in your WW.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep the screws tight, like one post mentioned "soft sole" didn't work.

Did the lawyer tell you when and were she will be served? Get the papers drawn up and inform the lawyer when and were. This will give you a chance to retrack if need be. I doubt it but its nice to have control by putting the lawyer on stand by until you pull the trigger.

How are you validating the NC?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> She only went properly no contact a few days ago so im sure its still very active in her head.


Going through withdrawal can take many weeks. Taking anti depressants can help. It is har to work on the marriage too much yntil there is NC and withdrawal. Yes you can start before withdrawal is complete but it is tough going.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Right on cue. Look for the mood swings , one minute in love with you the next resentment and loathing. Its her pain, focus on building yourself up and keeping emotionally and mentally stable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you were spot on. Tonight she was very affectionate and loving. I was nice to feel, but I'm waiting for the next hammer to fall..


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> you were spot on. Tonight she was very affectionate and loving. I was nice to feel, but I'm waiting for the next hammer to fall..


And this just after you began the divorce proceedings?


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> And this just after you began the divorce proceedings?


yeah...

This morning she seems to be quiet and upset again...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Send the OM a link to cheaterville.com and any other sites like that you can find. Ask him if he wants to be listed on there if he has contact with your wife again? Let him know any time his name is googled it will show up on cheaterville as a low life piece of sh!t.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Nice call chapparal. That site puts fear in the hearts of these people. What a Godsend... its about time somebody countered all the "hook-up" sites out there.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How were they still in contact recently? Can you monitor it.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> How were they still in contact recently? Can you monitor it.


There's a couple of gaps I cannot plug if I'm honest - calling from work etc, and she knows this. However, at the end of the day I am done with it all. If she is calling him, the only person she is hurting is herself, as WHEN the truth comes out, I will simply let the divorce proceed. I cannot make her come out of the fog and start showing true remorse. However, I can take control of MY future. IF she wants to be p[art of that future its up to her. I love her very much, but her behaviour has been abhorrent, and I've had enough. she can wake up and see what she is losing, or I'm off. If she wants to prolong her own pain by breaking NC that's up to her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed him? To the social circle etc?


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Have you exposed him? To the social circle etc?


All three people are highly visible members of a national sporting community. Basically the whole world knows...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Love is not enough to get married or to stay married, more so when trust has been shattered by infidelity.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> All three people are highly visible members of a national sporting community. Basically the whole world knows...


Well then move on, you'll have a bunch of other women waiting to help you get over her betrayal

Sorry, me just being cranky. 

Something in this tale sounds off. The timing, her obsession, etc. them still communicating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Well then move on, you'll have a bunch of other women waiting to help you get over her betrayal
> 
> Sorry, me just being cranky.
> 
> ...


I agree. I'm starting to think my gut says they are still in contact. I just don't have any proof yet.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> I agree. I'm starting to think my gut says they are still in contact. I just don't have any proof yet.


You do not need to prove anything to her to know that there is something wrong with the way she is to you. You do not need any more proof to move on and to look for happiness. She is not all in so you need to get out now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> I agree. I'm starting to think my gut says they are still in contact. I just don't have any proof yet.


You've filed. Show her you are truly leaving her and it is up to her to prove she isn't in contact. 

Listen to your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

So five days or so after breaking down and telling me everything, I'm coming to the conclusion that my Wayward Wife is a mental mine field. She cried last night "I just can't forgive myself and can't imagine how I'll ever be happy again." 

This morning she is again totally miserable. She had a panic attack in the night and woke up shaking. She sas she is trying every day to give me a little more of the love she knows I deserve, but is finding it incredibly difficult. she sas she wants to be with me, and wants to love me and be loved in return, but ca't get past the fact she has destroyed everything.

In all honesty, I don't know if I'm coming or going any more. I've filed, but I'm not going to rush it. I'll give her time to see if she sorts her own head out, but she certainly isn't in that determined place I read about so often where the WS will do anything to fix the marriage. She's just a mess. I'm surviving without her support, which is starting to make me switch off to her.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

So do you think she's still in contact?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Actually becoming emotionally detached is a good thing for it protects you from her and yourself as well. Plus many cheating wives begin to feel sexual attraction towards their betrayed husbands when they show enough emotional fortitude that they don't fear divorcing them. Keep up the good work.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> So five days or so after breaking down and telling me everything, I'm coming to the conclusion that my Wayward Wife is a mental mine field. She cried last night "I just can't forgive myself and can't imagine how I'll ever be happy again."
> 
> This morning she is again totally miserable. She had a panic attack in the night and woke up shaking. She sas she is trying every day to give me a little more of the love she knows I deserve, but is finding it incredibly difficult. she sas she wants to be with me, and wants to love me and be loved in return, but ca't get past the fact she has destroyed everything.
> 
> In all honesty, I don't know if I'm coming or going any more. I've filed, but I'm not going to rush it. I'll give her time to see if she sorts her own head out, but she certainly isn't in that determined place I read about so often where the WS will do anything to fix the marriage. She's just a mess. I'm surviving without her support, which is starting to make me switch off to her.



She is in a stage where she is going into forced withdrawal from her fix , the affair, she is facing reality and the threat of a seperation. She will be tempted to contact the OM and may still do so . At this stage you should listen , talk a lot to her , avoid future relationship discussions but do discuss the affair particularly if you have unanswered questions . Be the secure place for her , remind her when she makes comments like she has been doing that you are not going anywhere if she fully commits to the marriage.

Look after your health and well being, pick elements of the 180 but be careful not to run it to the extreme unless you know she is the affair. 

R is difficult for both spouses , you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and she will be going through withdrawal and guilt . Bide your time , go to the MB site or others you may know of and read the articles on recovery. At the end of the day no one will blame you if you have to seperate and cannot get over her infidelity however many relationships have recovered and the marriages have improved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Has she tried personal therapy or counseling?


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

OK, over a year on, time for a follow up I guess. 

We wife and I are reconciling and things are going extremely well. We had a year of MC and are now both in IC. She is passionate about her IC and about our marriage. I have days where I am not so passionate about our marriage but in general things get easier as time goes on. We have boundaries in place and both defend them. She posts on an infidelity forum (not this one). She has spent a year working at the "why" of the affair, and we have spent a year working on improving communication within our marriage. It took me quite a few months to get through the trauma and she is still very much working through figuring out who she is and how her life came to this. It's quite amazing what comes out of the wash when you spend a year talking honestly about your lives.

I'd like to share the things I have learned in this process. 

*1. Listen to TAM*
Of course you were all right. She WAS lying. She WAS still seeing him. She was NOT remorseful. 

*2. Nothing changes until you change it. *
I nearly killed myself trying to "love" my wife out of the affair. All it did was give her more power over me, and deepen my own pain. nothing changed until I said "Here are your divorce papers, here are the rules for reconciliation. Pick one" and the n stick to the rules and enforce them. Don't wait for your spouse to come to their senses. If you want them back, fight for them. 

*3. Nothing can ever be the same. *
I am not the same, she is not the same. The marriage is different. Better in some ways, but with huge scars. There is no going back, no matter how much as a BS you crave it

*4. No-one else will respect you until YOU do. *
Infidelity is shattering. It destroys your self respect. Sooner or later you have to remember that you are worth more than this ****. you didn't do anything wrong. You were faithful. you can hold your head up high. Once you can hold your head up high people look at you differently. But then once you hold your head up high you don't NEED them to look at you differently.

*5. Winning back your cheating spouse is half the battle. *
You have to fight to win back a spouse. you have to rip them kicking and ****ing screaming out of the affair. Use VARs, Keyloggers, PIs, whatever resources you have and don't ever let up. however, if you DO win them back, sooner or later you realise you have won back an emotional mess that wasn't worth fighting for. The journey to become something worth fighting for is now up to them.

*6. Reconciliation is hard.*
the early months of reconciliation of ****ing hard. You don't trust anything. You have to think of a reason to stay every time you wake up. It gets better.

*7. It's ok to not make it. *
Even now, a year down the line, I sometimes contemplate "is this worth it". If I ever come to the conclusion "no", I'll be ok with that. I was a mess when I came to this site, but eventually remembered the strong man I am. I will be ok. I THINK this marriage will be great. I HOPE it will be great. But if it's not, well that's ok too.

Thanks everyone. you did good.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Awesome post and update. So glad to hear you have moved forward. Good luck with the rest of your journey.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great Post HIP. Glad you came back with a happy update but also the cold hard realities of reconciliation. As a FBS I understand how bad it can suck! Good luck to you both.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Great honest self realization. Thanks for the update.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

One thing I'd add actually, and this took me a long time to admit to myself.

Nobody is perfect. I could have been a Ws. I recognised behaviours in myself that my wife exhibited. I had poor boundaries. I have lived a selfish life. I DID have better coping skills, and thats really all that saved me from going down the same path she did. Reconciliation requires BOTH of you to look at yourselves, and to change. A properly remorseful and hard working WS is not going to settle for a BS that isn't self aware and working on themselves. 

That one took about six months for me to even contemplate tbh.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

HusbandInPain said:


> Says she loves me, says making the marriage work is the "right" thing, says she "has to know if it can work". If I talk about leaving then its tears and begging. Dunno what else to base a reconciliation on to be honest. She clearly is not ready for reconciliation - she's too messed up about the other guy, but I'm not sure what options I have other than to wait it out..


No, she's stringing you along with the right words but no actions behind those words. There is a difference. The other option is to force her hand, but you have to risk losing her. If you can't risk it, then you're in for a VERY LONG RIDE here. VERY LONG


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

CH said:


> No, she's stringing you along with the right words but no actions behind those words. There is a difference. The other option is to force her hand, but you have to risk losing her. If you can't risk it, then you're in for a VERY LONG RIDE here. VERY LONG


didn't quite make it until the end of the thread before posting did we


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the awaking! now your seeing things for what they truly are!

keep your eyes wide open. the world is really an ulgy place its what you make of it that matters.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

HusbandInPain said:


> OK, over a year on, time for a follow up I guess.
> 
> We wife and I are reconciling and things are going extremely well. We had a year of MC and are now both in IC. She is passionate about her IC and about our marriage. I have days where I am not so passionate about our marriage but in general things get easier as time goes on. We have boundaries in place and both defend them. She posts on an infidelity forum (not this one). She has spent a year working at the "why" of the affair, and we have spent a year working on improving communication within our marriage. It took me quite a few months to get through the trauma and she is still very much working through figuring out who she is and how her life came to this. It's quite amazing what comes out of the wash when you spend a year talking honestly about your lives.
> 
> ...


There are a few posters who should really read this. I cannot believe the wimpiness of some of the BS and Johnny come lately 'advisors' on here.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

HIP: Your post is the most enlightening bit of advice I have read for a very long time. It is so, so true and a lesson to be learned!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> There are a few posters who should really read this. I cannot believe the wimpiness of some of the BS and Johnny come lately 'advisors' on here.


Come on, each of them is different than the ones before them. Being super nice and never confronting their WS IS going to work for them. This time it will be different!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Come on, each of them is different than the ones before them. Being super nice and never confronting their WS IS going to work for them. This time it will be different!


I know it is not really a laughing matter, but this did make me laugh.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail!


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