# Limbo



## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

Not sure what thread to put this in.....it's in two at the moment and I apologize, just looking for support from whatever forum it belongs in.

My life feels like a heartbroke country song
I have been married for 8 years now, doesn't look like I'm going to make it 9. I dated my wife 6 years before we were married. 

I'm not going to pretend to be blameless in all this,I've put the kids needs in front of hers too often....been sad and pouty when she made plans without us....jealous a lot early in the relationship but primarily just wanting to spend my time with her....of other guys before we were married but that had kind of gone away over time until recently. I know my irrational fears, jealousy and insecurities over the years would make her mad but didn't realize how bad they hurt her and it has kind of became a self fulfilling prophecy as my fear of her leaving is becoming true.

Over the past three or four months she started hanging out more with a new female friend after her night job and not coming home until after the kids and I were asleep or if I waited up I was sullen and moody because this was a major change to our lives and it scared me. She was constantly on the phone with the friend and when she would go to her house the fiends husband and best friend were always there which also scared me. One day he started messaging her on facebook (we had a relationship where we looked at each others pages and even if I wasn't on there the notifications kept popping up on the ipad). I asked her about it and she told me she couldn't believe I asked her if something was going on....another week of nonstop messages and I asked her how it would feel if I started messaging a girl I hadn't even known two months like that and she said she understood and would slow it down....two more weeks and the messages kept growing and then I did something stupid and blocked him from her account.....totally an ass move but it made me feel good at the time. 

She has been more distant and cold for about a month.....told me she didn't love me anymore about three weeks ago and that if it weren't for the kids she would have left already. I started seeing a psychologist about my insecurities and she talked about going to get over her anger and resentment. I've been sad but doing a lot better lately as I saw the writing on the wall.....Monday I break down and tell her I need her to love me again and could we try counseling and she admits she has feelings for someone else and is not interested/thinks it would be better if we lived separately (meaning I go live with my parents).....I told her that separate was fine but I was not leaving, she was the one that wanted to change things so she could go......I feel bad about this, because she doesn't get along with her parent well enough to go there but I don't see why I should leave.....I am the primary caregiver to the children....we both work full time but I'm home earlier and she works two nights a week as a teacher which requires grading papers/preparing lessons on nights she is home....throw that in with her workouts and visits to her new friends and I often felt like a single father and its only gotten worse over the last month obviously. 

When she told me about wanting to leave, that actually felt better than the limbo we'd been in but she says she is still conflicted....I know she is out the door and I'm really surprising myself with how nice and caring I am finding myself able to be with her about this....I think it is kind of a wake up call to deal with my issues...too late for my marriage but it should make me a better person for my kids. I have another session tomorrow, first since news of the other man.

I realize I'm kind of rambling, just feels good to put this out there as there is no one I can talk to about this, I'm not telling family until she is officially out of the house and I'm an introvert so close friends to talk with...seems like a heavy topic for a 3 and 4 year old......lol.

Update

So this morning as I was getting ready for work she was out of the shower and told me to wait for her downstairs...I assumed it was to tell me that she was moving out. Surprisingly it was to say she now wanted to go to a counselor to see if we can work on things...she said me talking about telling my family (I had asked if she was telling people she was done with me b/c she stopped wearing her ring on Monday....I just didn't want my family to hear from someone else before I told them....funny thing was it was April 1st and I know they would have thought i was joking) and her moving out made things very real. She said she didn't want to get my hopes up but wanted to try. I told her I appreciated the effort and I was sorry it came to this. I am not getting my hopes up, I think she just wants to be able to tell herself she tried before she's really gone. The limbo is the hardest part but I don't want to be the one to walk away from this.

Update

Tonight

Now she tells me she thinks we need a trial separation........limbo


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You are doing all the right things, being calm, and not trying to stop her. Begging and pleading never work and actually backfire.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

It's not about what she says it's about what she does. You're doing the right things...owning up to your faults and going to IC. I am doing the same thing and I also realized that I can't control her...I can only control me. 

My STBXW chose her POSOM and I chose a better life. 

Good luck on your journey. You also have found this blog/thread and I hope it helps you because it has helped me immensely.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry for the limbo - I remember that stage and it was very hard. I want to encourage you to continue to seek help through counseling and to actively get involved in reading some good books. One of the best I have encountered for this type of scenario is _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. I also know of a website with tons of helpful articles which I will share if you are interested. In the mean time, stay the course because you already know that you cannot make decisions for your wife. There is hope but she has to decide that the marriage is worth investing time and energy in. I would recommending finding a local Pastor to meet with as well. Blessings friend.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is OM married? Tell his wife what is going on.

Read Bagdon's thread.

Read about the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

Thanks all, I'm past the begging pleading phase....I want it to work but realize the chances are slim to none at this point. The limbo is hard but I'm going to continue to focus on the kids....worrying about the toll on them is now at the top of my thoughts, my daughter especially is not used to being away from me very much except when she's with my mother (when I'm working or when my wife and I would go out for dinner)

As for the I'm, no he is not married anymore (if its who I suspect)


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

So I am thinking about telling her I want to tell family today/tomorrow and that I can't be her plan b.....I am fine with her staying until she can find someplace. Comments and suggestions would be appreciated. 
Thanks


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

Just had to do it.....I know people are going to start asking me about her ring and I won't be able respond. I told her she wasn't happy and I think we just need to tell people and look for somewhere for her to live (response was why do I have to leave an I calmly responded you are the one that wants the changes so I don't think I should have to). She said she thought I was trying to scare her into staying and I said no, I just want the limbo to be done if she's leaving to leave, I can't be her plan b. she said she didn't think she could ever love me again and I told her that was ok and everything would work out in the end with no hard feelings. I told her I can't keep blaming myself but I know we have both made mistakes and I'm sorry it came to this. She has left in the car to "have her reaction". I stayed calm and didnT show any emotion and that did feel good.....scared as hell about where I go from here.

Said she thinks I didn't show her I loved her enough and was too controlling so she stopped trying to go out with friends (not entirely correct as all of her friends until these new ones also had young children and weren't going out either) but I do accept that I put the kids first (is that compleletly Wrong, no....but I should have shown her more Ffection and I should have not gotten sad and pouty when she did go do things with girlfriends (didnT think she ever changed plans because of this but I guess I was wrong and didnT see it)


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you are using the right kind of strategy. Rolling over and begging her to stay would be counterproductive. You're forcing her to make real decisions rather than enjoying both her home life and her OM.

See a lawyer asap and get your ducks in a row. There's a good book called "Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce". I think it is worth you trying to have a non-contentious divorce as long as she is reasonable. If she gets combative, you'll have to change tactics.

Also, get a full panel STD test. And don't keep it a secret from her.

Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com has some excellent info in the forums, especially "the list". Not all of it will apply, but it gives some outstanding ideas. Especially what and how to document your parenting.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Why were you in her Facebook account? From what I can tell you do have control issues. Checking her account, being jealous of former men (also an insecurity issue, which is about control as well), pouting when she did things you did not like, and now pushing things when you do not need to do that.

The 180, for now, means that you need to get into counseling and learn how to stop pouting, stop snooping, stop being insecure about your own self and feeling threatened so you have to try to control things. IT also means get your self some friends. Your wife cannot be your only support system. You must have friends. Reconnect with old ones and make some new ones, starting now. It is not fair to anybody to be your only friend. Being an introvert is no excuse. I am one too. WHat that means is that you get your energy from within yourself and that other people take energy. It does not mean you do not need to be friends with other people. It just means you need more down time. Like a basketball player: you have to play the game, but you will get tired and need to bench periodically. Extroverts get their energy off of other people and need far less breaks. So it is not an excuse for your isolation.

Your W. chasing another man is on her. You did not cause that. You have set up circumstances in which that is a possibility though. The 180 is about changing that in yourself. Why would she want to stay if you are a needy, clingy, controlling person?


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## Jimmy33james (Apr 4, 2014)

I know the facebook thing is bad and I do have control issues but did not realize the effect it was causing because she's always so string an as far as I could tell did what she wanted. We both were on each others facebook, not raeally snooping as weblog knew the other was doing it..didn't become an issue until om. She had the app o kids iPads and notifications kept popping up, I asked her about it when it seemed harmless banter.....it kept getting more and moe frequent until I asked her to change password and I deleted app on iPads. Major depression hit in mid feb after she came home at 230am on a Wednesday night. I have been clawing my way out of that and feeling pretty good lately. I have not been on her phone or facebook for almost 4 weeks and am proud of that. I am seeing a psychologist, one a week (only been twice so far but he seems to be really helping so far)


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Yeah her cheating is all on her. You do not own that. She is dealing with her pain and such by trying to find a "drug" in another man. Won't work for her and it only hurts you. But you cannot fix her or anything. 

Get some friends though. You need other people in your life. Ask some old acquaintance for coffee sometime and just talk about life or whatever. Do that once a week. Make it a habit. I was isolated like you at one point. 

It does sound like you are largely doing the right things. It is really hard not to push things and try to control them.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I think you need to find out who the other man is for sure and then expose him to a spouse or girlfriend if there is one.

I see a handful of 180 suggestions here already. If you haven't read it, do. You need to start exercising, eating better, sleeping better, and helping yourself be happier and healthier in spite of what is happening in your marriage.

Someone called you out on reading your wife's facebook and being "controlling"...you apparently had a good reason to read those messages. She's cheating. 

I think you should get a private investigator to help you learn the details and frankly, to END her affair regardless of where that takes your relationship. How would you feel if your kids eventually called the other man 'step dad'? You will need to know who he is for sure to avoid feeling conflicted about it.

Your kids will need to know at some point in life WHY your marriage ended. What is the truth? Because you were controlling or because your wife broke her vows to be faithful? I understand not wanting to have that adult conversation with them, but make sure you always tell them the TRUTH on what ever level they can handle it. Counseling for them will be a good thing soon.


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