# Wife walks 10' behind me



## Guth

Married 19 years, three kids, seems "so so" overall at this point.

We don't get too much time to go out and enjoy life together. Whenever we do, such as a trip to the store or a walk on the beach, going to a campground out in the sticks for a weakend, she just will not walk with me. She's always 10' back. I slow down, she slows to a crawl. I see other couples especially smiling happy couples, the woman will even put her arm into her husband's or at least they're walking together as a couple. My wife lags way back. I used to tell her how much I dislike that but nothing will change her, nothing. Just get used to it I guess. Why though, why does a woman do that?


----------



## afab

There must be more to it than the 'walking'. I can think of many reasons why one doesnt want to 'walk' together but I doubt that this is the only problem. Do you talk together often. How are things at home? Has it always been like this?


----------



## EleGirl

Yea, that's odd. There has to be something going on to make her do this.

What sort of things does she complain about?

How much time do the two of you spend together, just the two of you?


----------



## jld

I don't think you will get her there by trying to command her or guilt her.

What have you done to warmly invite her to be close to you?


----------



## SecondTime'Round

Is there a reason she doesn't want to be seen with you?

Have you posted about this before? I remember a thread like this about six months ago.


----------



## happy as a clam

Hold her hand when you start to walk. It's impossible for her to lag behind if she's holding your hand.

My ex husband used to do this. It was his way of being passive aggressive (didn't want to "give me" what I wanted.) He got better about it when I told him he looked like a duckling trailing behind its mother.

Mean thing to say? Yes. But so was his behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld

happy as a clam said:


> Hold her hand when you start to walk. It's impossible for her to lag behind if she's holding your hand.


Excellent suggestion, happy.


----------



## Lostme

That is strange, she must have a lot on her mind, do you all communicate with each other outside of the day to day stuff? 

Does she help plan your alone time, or do you decide what you both will do? if so, that might not be what she really wants to do so she lags as a way of pouting.

Do you check out other women when you are together, like noticeably check them out looking a little to long ? if so, this is embarrassing to the women you are with and disrespectful. They then question everything about themselves and just feel like crap in general.

Has she had any depression issues in the past? 

There are numerous reasons why she could be doing this, it is hard to say not knowing the wife.

Instead of walks try doing a picnic where you are sitting on a blanket, a restaurant with a small table, a country car ride, movies, try to plan stuff that keeps you close together where she is not able to lag way back but has to be close joining in.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Is she a very passive sweet woman who would shudder to speak something that could HURT YOU?.... 

Or when she does speak something you don't like, have your reactions been STRONG, "putting her in her place" to not disrespect (for instance) where she feels she can't speak freely...unless it is positive?

What sort of communication/ conflict dynamics do you have in your marriage?

My 1st impression reading that was ...she doesn't want to be seen with you in public .. but as Intheory's post pointed out. .. it could be something else. 

I guess the telling question is.. is this NEW BEHAVIOR , was this happening while dating / the majority of your marriage to some extent.. and if's it new.. when did it start & what has changed in the relationship ??


----------



## Hicks

Guth said:


> Why though, why does a woman do that?


You have to ask her. Communication is important in a marriage.

Without knowing the why, there is not one thing you or anyone can do (although I do like the hand holding suggestion and if that does not work you could add a hand cuff).


----------



## Spitfire

My brother lives in another country. His wife is physically very unattractive. When they come to visit we'll sometimes go to a festival. He'll walk next to my wife as if he's trying to avoid possibly being seen with his wife by someone he knows. Hopefully this isn't what's happening with you.


----------



## Anon Pink

On behalf of the Foundation for Women's Conformity and Uniformity in Behavior I apologize. We apparently sent your wife the wrong manual for your culture. Please accept our apology and be advised that the proper manual for your current culture is in the mail "priority delivery."


Or



You could ask your wife why she does that and explain how you would like her to walk next to you.


----------



## SARAHMCD

happy as a clam said:


> My ex husband used to do this. It was his way of being passive aggressive (didn't want to "give me" what I wanted.) He got better about it when I told him he looked like a duckling trailing behind its mother.
> 
> Mean thing to say? Yes. But so was his behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow - my ex did this as well. When we went out for walks in the neighborhood or at any sort of festival where we're strolling..he would walk 10 feet behind. He hated hand holding, so that wasn't happening. His reasoning for not walking with me was that "I don't know where you want to go". It drove me insane and he could not seem to understand why.


----------



## nirvana

My problem a few months ago was slightly different... my wife would suggest we go out on a family walk and insist the kids take their bikes or skates and then she would spend all her time with the kids trying to keep them going. Basically I would walk myself ahead and she would berate me for not caring about the kids. I got tired of it, and told her she could take the kids by herself. It's like the race card that people play, here I was given the parenthood-card.

In the OP's case, it could be a religious thing, or a cultural thing. In some Eastern cultures for conservative types, the women like to be submissive. 10 feet is excessive though. I suggest holding her hand and ensuring you both are walking together. Don't make her feel bad about herself, but later on you can ask her why and tell her you would be happy if you both walked together.


----------



## Guth

Hi. Thanks.

Nice replies. I've never posted here before.

Answering a few questions. Cultural, she grew up in SE Asia. I'm not Asian but spent several years there, and know her language OK. She came here 20 years ago. I see a lot of couples in her country, and from her country here, walking together. It ain't a taboo.

She is nice looking so am I. We both have pretty good looks from our parents. My dad is very handsome, and her mother is gorgeous. Go figure. 

Maybe it's not 10', but at least 5'. When we are with the kids she stretches it way out. 

I talk about it. Yesterday we had some time and went into the city. There she goes 5+' behind. I stop and let her catch up, she reaches me and stops 2' back. I walk super slow, doesn't matter. I mention I like to walk together. She always has some reason and says its all in my mind. She doesn't care. 

We have wonderful kids, good sex life. 

I swear if some other woman comes along and puts her arm into mine and we can walk along and breathe together, I'm vulnerable. I just can't stand this distance my wife puts. 

Also she is very stubborn and set in her ways. For example if in a quiet moment I sincerely tell her that when we go out, I'm hurt that she never goes by my side, always lagging back -- guess what, she will take pride in NOT doing what I like. It's like a badge of honor if she can find ways to stick with HER way and not do things I want. I'm sure others here can relate to that.


----------



## afab

Thanks for your reply.
You dont tell us how long she is doing it. But your reply is most revealing. She is doing it to 'spite' you knowing you dont like it. I am sure there are other things she is also doing for this reason. As you say she has her 'reason' which really is simply to spite you. 
What can one do about it. Well the simple thing is not to go out with her. It is very difficult to deal with someone stubborn as you are experiencing. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. I think you put it very well she even takes pride in it. 
Being stubborn in return usually makes matters worse. Since you have to live with it you have to go round it. Like in this case not go out with her at all.


----------



## Hicks

Yes, you are being wimpy so she keeps doing it.

You are not asking her why she is doing it, you are weakly trying to convince her to stop doing it.

Here's how you should handle this:

You: "Wife, why do you do this"
Wife: "Blah blah blah kooky crazy boom boom"
You: "I don't like it and it needs to stop"

End.


----------



## Guth

intheory said:


> If this is causing you to fantasize about how good it would feel to have another woman come alongside you and link arms; then it's pretty serious. And it's not a demanding behavior. Iow, it's not going to harm or hurt your wife to do this. Most people do this.
> 
> Maybe I'm wrong, and she rules the roost and you are the one who is a good boy, or else.
> 
> But, be honest with yourself; could this be her trying to get back at you for something?


Yes it's an insightful message and I appreciate it. I like all feedback. 

From the start she played a type of charade where she would tell people especially in my family that I was "her leader". Wow people would think I had a little slave or something, lucky me ha ha. The truth is much different. 

While we have generally had a good marriage, I never liked the fact that being "her leader" meant I had double the work load as a parent. Clever play on her part, to put it that way. While all the other kids had moms be the point person for doctors appts, soccer practice, dealing with car insurance, or all the important tasks of being a parent, in my family dad did most of everything. I would have much rather had a wife that pulled her weight in the kids' activities, planning a family picnic every once in awhile, planning a vacation, hiring someone to do a job around the house, etc. So yeah this gets on to another topic but in some respects I've been a single parent, given all the stuff I've done which 99% of mothers do. And I really stepped up. Our daughter graduated HS with extremely high marks and is now in university studying science. Our son is one of the highest ranked athletes in his sport, in the state, and a straight A kid, with a fantastic work ethic. He will do well in the world, to say the least. Maybe he grew up watching all the stuff I did so there's a silver lining to it all.

I guess it all comes down to a stage where many people struggle to keep their marriage happy. I did so much in the last 20 years and it was out of necessity. Now I can't even get my wife to walk aside me on a summer evening stroll. She's 10 feet behind! Did I do something to deserve it? 

I feel like moving on but you know what they say, the grass is not always greener. One thing about my wife is her prowess for sex it's about everything any man could ever ask for and all I read on this forum are stories about men who get laid once a month. I'd take my wife walking 10' behind me all day long over a wife that doesn't like to F*ck. If there's a 2 day time frame where we don't make love it's very unusual. And I find her visuals to be very appealing even more today than 20 years ago. Hot. So now you know more.


----------



## EverythingU.RNot

In some cultures this is expected of women.


----------



## Florida_rosbif

Does she come from a country where they have problems with land mines? :grin2:>


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

How does it start out? Like you both get out of the car and start walking, how does she end up so far away? 
Can you start out right beside her and just match her step to step? It's not like she can go backwards


----------



## AliceA

Will she hold your hand? DH and I always hold hands when walking together.


----------



## Guth

Hi. I just typed this up to ask advice and realized I was here last year asking about the same issue. Nothing has improved. In fact I am at a breaking point. Here's a more detailed run-down of the situation:

I met a woman while living in SE Asia, We married 20 years ago and started a family here in USA. Our oldest two are in college, our other child is 11. For 20 years I have been mother and father, somehow I tolerated it. My wife's excuse, if you call it that, was that she was a foreigner and just incapable of guiding our kids' homework, talking to their teachers, getting them music lessons, sports, activities, driving to birthday parties, dealing with health insurance, banking, etc etc etc. She always made a huge ordeal about driving anywhere unless the supermarket. Our home has been pretty gross too, lack of cleaning and hoarding crap like junk mail, etc. Not a clean home on the inside but in a very nice area. Wealthy area.

I rose to the occasion and went berserk running a company, maintaining a gorgeous property, teaching the kids a work ethic, getting them into sports, taking them to practice (two of our kids are top athletes at the state level), guiding their homework (both kids in college are on academic scholarships). We never had a financial problem, we own everything except modest mortgages on our homes (primary residence and rental duplex). We are financially well off and have a college fund to pay tuition for the two older kids, both are studying sciences. Very bright kids.

About three years ago I started to take some deep breaths and it was like, this lady I married just goes along. She doesn't clean well. She never took the kids out to the playground, total homebody. Staying home is all she wants. Never organized a vacation, a picnic, etc. She didn't even feed them too well, I had to get involved there too. I also took note that when we go out together, she never stands by my side like a loving couple does. She walks a few feet behind. I started to say hey I love you and we are a couple, I want to hold your hand. I want to walk side by side. We have accomplished so much, look at our beautiful kids. Now let's be lovers in this time and place, let's hold hands and show some affection. I am very affectionate.

On the subject of sex, over 20 years of marriage we have sex almost every day. Many times twice a day. I find her very appealing, to say the least. I never tire of sex with her, and she absolutely loves it. I am her first man and I am tender and a good lover. No matter what arguments we have, which are really getting escalated over the last year, we still have sex regardless.

My wife is stubborn. She won't show affection to me after all these years and I have told her -- look this is a big deal. I see other couples everywhere walking side-by-side. Holding hands. She will not change. How foolish. I am under a lot of stress, just unwinding from 20 years of doing all this work for our family. Now I can hardly look at her without feeling I want out. I want out of this marriage. I know, the grass is always greener, but I want to leave her and find someone that can enjoy lovers time away from the home. Someone who can go take a walk outside. I feel like these 20 years of marriage occurred out of a type of Mother Nature calling at our young age, to procreate and care for a family. I have done absolutely everything above and beyond. The proof is in the accomplishments of our kids, and our financial situation. 

Four months ago I told her it's nothing to feel bad about if we divorce. That was the first time I used the word. She seemed shocked. I mean, for 20 years the gravy train was going so well for her right? She disregarded it. I told her I am begging her to be my wife, to show love and walk together. Hold hands. We had our 20 year anniversary in May. I woke up and just laid there pretending to sleep. She got up and walked away from our bed without saying a word. I left for the day and spent it at the local beach, sulking in the window of a coffee shop where I saw every single couple walking hand-in-hand. I didn't speak to her all day. She pretended it was nothing. I have told her with all my heart I can't stay in the marriage if we have this separation of her wandering behind me anytime we go out together. She just will NOT do it to save our marriage.

What a stupid thing right? Am I a fool? Because with each day I am closer to leaving. Recently I was at a store and a lady caught my eye, my age. We had a glance together. Then ironically we walked out at the exact moment and I just felt at ease and asked if she knows of any good noodle shops in the area. She said yes. We met a mile away at a shop, had a nice lunch. Afterward walking back she put her hand on my elbow and we walked back to our cars. For 20 years I provided everything possible to my wife and she will not do what a random lady did who I met in the supermarket 2 hours earlier. 

It seems like I am being torn away from her for such a stubborn and foolish reason. Based on your experience, how can I best tell my wife I am at the end of the line with her and will leave. So sad.


----------



## Prodigal

Guth said:


> About three years ago I started to take some deep breaths and it was like, this lady I married just goes along. She doesn't clean well. She never took the kids out to the playground, total homebody. Staying home is all she wants. Never organized a vacation, a picnic, etc. She didn't even feed them too well, I had to get involved there too. I also took note that when we go out together, she never stands by my side like a loving couple does.
> 
> 
> She walks a few feet behind. I started to say hey I love you and we are a couple, I want to hold your hand.
> 
> On the subject of sex, *over 20 years of marriage we have sex almost every day.* Many times twice a day. I find her very appealing, to say the least. I never tire of sex with her, and *she absolutely loves it*.


Okay. I have to say that something about this strikes me as odd. From what you have posted, your wife is a rather detached person. Doesn't sound like she ever bonded with her own children. I mean, did she ever hug them or show approval for their accomplishments?

For a guy getting laid every day, you are fixated on the hand-holding thing. That's fair. You want a show of affection outside the bedroom. But it doesn't sound like your wife holds back her affection sexually-speaking. Does she love giving you pleasure, or is the sex "thing" about what she can get from it?

There has got to be something more going on here. Your side of the story just doesn't quite compute. Perhaps you can fill in the blanks in another post, because so far I'm hearing your total dissatisfaction with your wife as a person, but only in the sexual arena does she have anything going for her ...


----------



## Anon Pink

@Guth,

You did EVERYTHING and your wife did NOTHING. 
And
She won't hold your hand in public.

Therefore you're looking at other women. 
Even though you two have sex every day. 
Even though YOU rock her world.

You're right. You are just too good for her. Your sense of entitlement must be greatly vexed!


----------



## MattMatt

Have you thought of having her checked out for -for example- Autism?


----------



## tech-novelist

Does she come from a country where there are minefields?

Oops. I see someone beat me to it.:crying:


----------



## john117

Agreed - if she's incapable or unwilling to show any affection, I wonder how she manages the daily sex routine unless it's the starfish variety.

What do you know about her family and upbringing?


----------



## Prodigal

I could be wrong, but not only does the OP's story strike me as a bit peculiar, but I'm leaning towards thinking he may be living under a bridge ... JMO.


----------



## EunuchMonk

Anon Pink said:


> @Guth,
> 
> You did EVERYTHING and your wife did NOTHING.
> And
> She won't hold your hand in public.
> 
> Therefore you're looking at other women.
> Even though you two have sex every day.
> Even though YOU rock her world.
> 
> You're right. You are just too good for her. Your sense of entitlement must be greatly vexed!


Agreed. Op your marriage seems great compared to the marriages of some sorry bastards on here. It's not perfect but I don't think you should already be scouting out other women just yet.
_
Side note: In Japan women walk behind their men. The culture is that the women are suppose to open the door for the man. It is said this was because if there was danger in the building the man should be first in to protect his wife. Kind of like a human shield._

I think you should be a little long-suffering and continue speaking to her about it in a none aggressive/controlling way.


----------



## SunCMars

SecondTime'Round said:


> Is there a reason she doesn't want to be seen with you?


Bingo!

The body of evidence casts a long shadow. 

You are that shadow that is her unspoken contempt. Why?

I fear being unjustly rude, but are you unkempt, scary looking, obese, or very homely?


----------



## Guth

Thanks all the feedback. I am the one probably bringing this all on. For stupid reasons. But I can't deny this is overwhelming.

I have not spent much time reading other threads, most likely the frustration in marriage is due to sex, money or both. With regard to sex, I guess we together are very fortunate. In 20 years of marriage there has not really been more than a day or two when she did not want to have sex. Unbelievable? May sound that way. We made love this morning and will again tonight. She is not a "giver" in bed but loves getting it. I find her physically perfect, 10/10. I am not content to think sex is all there is for husband and wife. 

Money has never been an issue, perhaps I regret that about her because she didn't contribute much, but since Day 1 we had all the money we needed. In 1996 we married in May, she moved here (pregnant from our honeymoon). By December of the same year we purchased our first home in a very nice area. Six years later we had the entire house paid off. I've always been good at making money and my international sales job paid bills, then started my own company which she helped out with, and it thrived to the point where we are now. 

The kids are grown now. I may be in the "mid life crisis" stage, this could be a huge mistake. We can spend way more time together now, but all she wants is to stay home. If we go out, she's distant. Do I look like a slob? No. But the comment along that line is something to consider. I should start looking sharp when we go out. Maybe that will help, but then again she may wonder if I'm trying to get a new girl. In any case I've got more time now to focus on myself rather than endless sports and academics supporting the kids.

Frankly I think she will not change, I'm stuck with this follower for the rest of my life? She is stubborn. Talking to her and saying "hey I want to walk WITH you not in front of you" will cause her to buckle down and refuse it even more. That is her. VERY stubborn.

Sometimes in life when you are challenged, you can rise to the occasion. It's true that my kids got all of their academic and athletic ability thanks to my total dedication to them. I do not drink and I did not spend any time with friends, all of my time was focusing on their education and sports, and they thrived. There is no doubt a residual build up of dislike I have about her not doing anything to guide them and shape them as contributors to society. I was doing so many things that other MOMS all were doing, and I was like the only dad because my wife wasn't into any of it.

I am Swiss and Scandinavian by heritage. These traits are in my DNA. My wife's country has mostly idle folks enjoying life the way they can, but not accomplishing, innovating, or learning much.

My wife's mother was known as the prettiest girl in her village, and today in her 70s she is still attractive. Her father was a loud and obnoxious, hard working ethnic Chinese who was very social and lived in booms and busts. He boomed, lost it all, then worked to build up another deal. He accepted me although I was a foreigner, I have endless respect for him and we got along great. He never legally divorced my mother-in-law but left and moved to another place where he had two younger wives and kids with them. He died around age 60 and he was broke at the time. My wife misses him, he was a legend.

So that's all for now. Any other advice is appreciated. I apologize if my issues here are not as severe as others. I would like to think I can just be thankful for what I have but I can not deny that I'd like to leave her.


----------



## becareful2

Do you two hug each other? When was the last time she came up and hugged you? 
Does she allow you to hug her or kiss her in public?


----------



## 225985

Did you get supermarket lady's phone number?

You sound like the typical Sahm that wants to divorce once the kids leave because she lost her sense of purpose. 

So why was all this ok for the first 20 years but no longer ok? I sympathize with you. Same here. 

But know that you helped make the situation you are in. Did she defer everything to you because you took control or did you take control but she was not willing? Chicken and egg situation. She is not going to change after all this time. 

It is not just the walking issue. She offers you no affection. She is a slob. She is a taker in bed, but you still have sex so you overlook that. You wrapped your life around your kids and your job and she was just an observer. 

Now the kids are out and you have money. What is left for you to pursue?

The supermarket lady?


----------



## MattMatt

Guth said:


> Hi. I just typed this up to ask advice and realized I was here last year asking about the same issue. Nothing has improved. In fact I am at a breaking point. Here's a more detailed run-down of the situation:
> 
> I met a woman while living in SE Asia, We married 20 years ago and started a family here in USA. Our oldest two are in college, our other child is 11. For 20 years I have been mother and father, somehow I tolerated it. My wife's excuse, if you call it that, was that she was a foreigner and just incapable of guiding our kids' homework, talking to their teachers, getting them music lessons, sports, activities, driving to birthday parties, dealing with health insurance, banking, etc etc etc. She always made a huge ordeal about driving anywhere unless the supermarket. Our home has been pretty gross too, lack of cleaning and hoarding crap like junk mail, etc. Not a clean home on the inside but in a very nice area. Wealthy area.
> 
> I rose to the occasion and went berserk running a company, maintaining a gorgeous property, teaching the kids a work ethic, getting them into sports, taking them to practice (two of our kids are top athletes at the state level), guiding their homework (both kids in college are on academic scholarships). We never had a financial problem, we own everything except modest mortgages on our homes (primary residence and rental duplex). We are financially well off and have a college fund to pay tuition for the two older kids, both are studying sciences. Very bright kids.
> 
> About three years ago I started to take some deep breaths and it was like, this lady I married just goes along. She doesn't clean well. She never took the kids out to the playground, total homebody. Staying home is all she wants. Never organized a vacation, a picnic, etc. She didn't even feed them too well, I had to get involved there too. I also took note that when we go out together, she never stands by my side like a loving couple does. She walks a few feet behind. I started to say hey I love you and we are a couple, I want to hold your hand. I want to walk side by side. We have accomplished so much, look at our beautiful kids. Now let's be lovers in this time and place, let's hold hands and show some affection. I am very affectionate.
> 
> On the subject of sex, over 20 years of marriage we have sex almost every day. Many times twice a day. I find her very appealing, to say the least. I never tire of sex with her, and she absolutely loves it. I am her first man and I am tender and a good lover. No matter what arguments we have, which are really getting escalated over the last year, we still have sex regardless.
> 
> My wife is stubborn. She won't show affection to me after all these years and I have told her -- look this is a big deal. I see other couples everywhere walking side-by-side. Holding hands. She will not change. How foolish. I am under a lot of stress, just unwinding from 20 years of doing all this work for our family. Now I can hardly look at her without feeling I want out. I want out of this marriage. I know, the grass is always greener, but I want to leave her and find someone that can enjoy lovers time away from the home. Someone who can go take a walk outside. I feel like these 20 years of marriage occurred out of a type of Mother Nature calling at our young age, to procreate and care for a family. I have done absolutely everything above and beyond. The proof is in the accomplishments of our kids, and our financial situation.
> 
> Four months ago I told her it's nothing to feel bad about if we divorce. That was the first time I used the word. She seemed shocked. I mean, for 20 years the gravy train was going so well for her right? She disregarded it. I told her I am begging her to be my wife, to show love and walk together. Hold hands. We had our 20 year anniversary in May. I woke up and just laid there pretending to sleep. She got up and walked away from our bed without saying a word. I left for the day and spent it at the local beach, sulking in the window of a coffee shop where I saw every single couple walking hand-in-hand. I didn't speak to her all day. She pretended it was nothing. I have told her with all my heart I can't stay in the marriage if we have this separation of her wandering behind me anytime we go out together. She just will NOT do it to save our marriage.
> 
> What a stupid thing right? Am I a fool? Because with each day I am closer to leaving. Recently I was at a store and a lady caught my eye, my age. We had a glance together. Then ironically we walked out at the exact moment and I just felt at ease and asked if she knows of any good noodle shops in the area. She said yes. We met a mile away at a shop, had a nice lunch. Afterward walking back she put her hand on my elbow and we walked back to our cars. For 20 years I provided everything possible to my wife and she will not do what a random lady did who I met in the supermarket 2 hours earlier.
> 
> It seems like I am being torn away from her for such a stubborn and foolish reason. Based on your experience, how can I best tell my wife I am at the end of the line with her and will leave. So sad.


Guth, are you exaggerating this situation to any extent?

First you say ten feet, then it is five feet, then ten feet again, then it's now only a few feet. So, what is it? :scratchhead:

You are now saying: "Well, she's pretty much been a near useless wife, but then all the people from her country are idle."

It now seems you are already looking for a replacement woman. Who the hell, *seriously*, if they are supposedly married, just goes up to a random woman, goes to a noodle bar a mile distant and dines with them? :wtf:

I would guess that you are practising for your life as a single man and that although your wife might not be perfect, she probably isn't the monster you paint her as.

About the "ten feet" behind. Is this because you treat every stroll out as a route march at a light infantry pace at 140 beats per minute?

If you wife was, unbeknown to you, to come to TAM and give her side of your marriage, what do you think *her* side of the story would be?

Would "he is so controlling! Nothing I do is right! I do my best, but he always re-does everything to his satisfaction! Sometimes he makes me feel so inadequate that I feel like giving up" figure in it, do you think?


----------



## 225985

What is a noddle bar??


----------



## PhillyGuy13

How did you and your wife first meet? 

How often does she see her family? Is her mother and rest of family in same country as you are?

What's your wife's educational background? Why couldn't she work? Stay at home mom when the kids were younger?

this really sounds like a cultural issue. She's in a different country possibly far away from her family. Just because you anecdotally see others from her culture walk beside their husbands doesn't mean that many woman from that culture don't feel a subservient relationship with their husbands.

Now the kids are grown, no sense of duty beyond pleasing you in the bedroom, which she does 1-2 times a day. 

I do have to wonder if you have a wandering eye and are looking for excuses to leave her. Walking behind you, a cluttered house. 

Again I'd be curious to hear the circumstances of your meeting and engagement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117

blueinbr said:


> What is a noddle bar??


Around here it's Noodles & Company


----------



## Guth

Thanks all comments.

When was the last time she walked up and hugged me at random? Maybe never. I do it to her daily. At the end of the day as I'm sitting down on the sofa does she ever come sit down next to me put her hand on my leg and want to talk? Never. She always has some task to do, slowly. 

10' is no exaggeration. It's also 2'. I guess about a year ago I poured my heart out to her and said I just can't stand it everywhere we go you linger behind like that. Look at all the couples we see. They walk together. Going out to walk is a pleasure let's enjoy the moment. She gets kind of angry if I tell her to do something she just naturally doesn't do. There was no improvement. I don't walk fast. If I slow WAY down so she can catch me from behind, she has a type of distance radar so she slows too. 

Where did we meet. I was attending a university in her city and I eventually graduated from there. I speak that language quite well and know the customs. So it's not a traditional mail order bride deal. My wife was a student there and her English is excellent. She was a star student, no idiot. Public displays of affection among youth are hit and miss, probably less than what you see here. But we are mid/late 40s now and I'm not going to spend the rest of my days walking with my wife meandering a few feet back. 

Among this community I hope to find some support in how to deal with accepting things that REALLY bother one spouse. If there's anyone who can help me change this woman, even better.


----------



## Blondilocks

You can't change her. Accept that. You can tell her that you won't be walking alone for the rest of your life and it's up to her if she wants to walk with you.


----------



## 225985

Blondilocks said:


> You can't change her. Accept that. You can tell her that you won't be walking alone for the rest of your life and it's up to her if she wants to walk with you.


 @Guth , BL is very right. You cannot change her. Only she can change her, if she is willing. My wife is the same with lack of affection. I might get an unsolicited hug once a year, and a kiss less frequent than that. It's sad really. (And none of the sex you have). I would love to sit on the couch and have her come sit next to me. After 24 years that is not going to happen. Like you, I accepted it for years but now it bothers us. It bothers us a lot. My only option is like what BL said. I can tell me wife I will have someone sitting on the couch next to me. It can be her or someone else. But I have not yet reached that point and won't for a least a year. Unfortunately there are no noodle bars here to speed me along. 

We don't recommend tricks and tests here, but consider this. "Hurt" your leg or "throw out" your back to ask her for her hand to help you walk. Try it for a few days. See what she does. I really do throw out my back or hurt some back muscles once every couple of years so I really do ask my wife for help, or use a folding cane that I got from the drug store. Of course, that might make it worse if she sees the leader as no longer physically well and she might respond in other ways. But best to know that now before you do become sick or old.


----------



## Anon Pink

Crazy idea here...

"Wife, I'd like to understand your discomfort in walking with me. Can you help me know more about why it's more comfortable for you to walk behind me? I mean other than the fact I have a fantastic ass that totally turns you on...."
@Guth, you've told us how wonderful you are and how not wonderful your wife is. You've told us what you want and you've told us your wife is stubborn. You've told us how you've begged for your wife to walk with you and be more affectionate. But you have not said one word explaining your wife's POV. This tells me you haven't bothered to understand her, and probably haven't bothered to hear what it is she wants. So I suggest you take your excellent charm and luck and apply it to understand what it is your wife thinks and feels, from HER POV.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

You cannot change her behavior, you can only change what is acceptable to you.

As others have suggested you need to discuss it with her. Why won't she walk with you? Why won't she sit next to you? Does she sit in the same room otherwise? Until you get answers from her as to why she acts this way, it's tough to advise without her POV
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married27years

You have sex every day and you are complaining that she walks behind you instead of next to you and for that you are thinking of leaving her? Seriously? I'm sure the men here in sexless marriages are thinking you are crazy. I think you are crazy as my husband is LL. I wouldn't care if my husband walked 20' behind me if he would want to have sex with me that often life would be good. I would feel loved and wanted and thats what you should be feeling. Stay married, you are lucky.


----------



## BobSimmons

Prodigal said:


> I could be wrong, but not only does the OP's story strike me as a bit peculiar, but I'm leaning towards thinking he may be living under a bridge ... JMO.


Classic. Not even going to bother. Good luck to those that do.


----------



## becareful2

You're a college educated man and you can't figure out why your wife does that even after 20 years? Maybe talk to her family members and ask them why?


----------



## PhillyGuy13

And just to add, going on dates with other women isn't going to help your situation. It's going to force you to look at your wife/situation with even more contempt, which in turn your wife will pick up on and further detach from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Guth

With respect to the above "good luck to those that do". Not sure what part of this seems made up fantasy. 

I could pick my battles and live like this for the rest of my life so I can keep the marriage. 

You are kinder to me than expected. The internet forum scene is brutal. I thought the reaction would be to attack me. 

Look I've been a pretty darn good husband and father, and mother. She never set foot in a classroom ok? She never signed up a kid for music class, wrestling practice or looked at any homework. We lived in a house full of junk (I just cleaned the kitchen this morning -- after making love to her of course, this is Sunday after all no reason to skip a weekend morning). 

I know I must have enabled all this and brought it on myself to a certain extent. 

The thing I am getting here is that most divorce occurs for more serious reasons. I respect that. 

Her side of the story, I imagine, would be that Guth is driven to excellence but in her belief there's no reason to study, no reason to get physically fit, no reason to go outside when we can be indoors and relax. 

On the good side of things, she is not a money waster, quite frugal. That really helped us become sufficient financially.


----------



## Guth

Becareful2 our daughter and son were born within three years of marriage, everywhere we went it was kids toddlers then teens always had them around. We did not have much time together -- "date nights". Now we are in a different situation, I guess it's been about three years or so I've had growing discontent with the fact that now we DO have dates but can't stroll along together.


----------



## Anon Pink

Guth said:


> With respect to the above "good luck to those that do". Not sure what part of this seems made up fantasy.
> 
> I could pick my battles and live like this for the rest of my life so I can keep the marriage.
> 
> You are kinder to me than expected. The internet forum scene is brutal. I thought the reaction would be to attack me.
> 
> Look I've been a pretty darn good husband and father, and mother. She never set foot in a classroom ok? She never signed up a kid for music class, wrestling practice or looked at any homework. We lived in a house full of junk (I just cleaned the kitchen this morning -- after making love to her of course, this is Sunday after all no reason to skip a weekend morning).
> 
> I know I must have enabled all this and brought it on myself to a certain extent.
> 
> The thing I am getting here is that most divorce occurs for more serious reasons. I respect that.
> 
> Her side of the story, I *imagine*, would be that Guth is driven to excellence but in her belief there's no reason to study, no reason to get physically fit, no reason to go outside when we can be indoors and relax.
> 
> On the good side of things, she is not a money waster, quite frugal. That really helped us become sufficient financially.


You imagine her response?

This is fun!

In that case I hereby give you leave to take a mistress. Said mistress will be affectionate and verbally praise you being specific about your wealth of positive character traits. However, since your wife has first dibs on your sexual energy, your mistress will not be available to satisfy your sexual needs at all. Again, however, you will have to satisfy your mistress's sexual needs as well as spend lavishly on her in reciprocation of her freely given affection and her creativity in finding items over which to praise you verbally.


----------



## soccermom2three

OP, you are too awesome for words.


----------



## 225985

Prodigal said:


> I could be wrong, but not only does the OP's story strike me as a bit peculiar, but I'm leaning towards thinking he may be living under a bridge ... JMO.


Maybe. If so he is in it for the long play, as this thread is nearly a year old.

But if you look beyond the specifics and instead look at the higher level issues, the topic is a common problem we see here:

1. One spouse (overly) dedicated to their kids and/or their job.
2. Empty nest syndrome when the kids leave.
3. One spouse no longer happy with the same issues that they put up with for 20 years.
4. Potential MLC.
5. Lack of affection offered by one spouse.
6. Potential interest in others, ie. wandering eye

These are still all worth discussing. There are just far too many of us here that are considering divorce, separation etc after 20, 24, 27 years involving the same issues that we accepted all this time, but now suddenly we want out. What causes this???


----------



## 225985

Guth said:


> I know I must have enabled all this and brought it on myself to a certain extent.
> 
> The thing I am getting here is that most divorce occurs for more serious reasons.


Actually this is all quite serious and many have divorced for less. There are so many of us in similar situation.

Do you have any thoughts about why you now feel all this is not acceptable when you put up with it for so long? If she has not changed, then you must have been the one to change, or at least your expectations of marriage and wife now have changed. 

Is it an age thing? Is it the empty nest thing? What is it for you?


----------



## Prodigal

Guth said:


> With respect to the above "good luck to those that do". Not sure what part of this seems made up fantasy.
> 
> Look I've been a pretty darn good husband and father, and mother. She *never* set foot in a classroom ok? She* never *signed up a kid for music class, wrestling practice or looked at any homework. We lived in a house full of junk (I just cleaned the kitchen this morning -- after making love to her of course, this is Sunday after all no reason to skip a weekend morning).
> 
> Her side of the story, I imagine, would be that Guth is driven to excellence but in her belief there's *no reason *to study, *no reason *to get physically fit, *no reason *to go outside when we can be indoors and relax.
> 
> On the good side of things, she is not a money waster, quite frugal. That really helped us become sufficient financially.


What part sounds like made-up fantasy? Pretty much the entire thing. So your wife NEVER did a single thing for the kids? Did she let them walk around in sh!tty diapers???? I mean, c'mon, this is so one-sided that it DOES stretch the boundaries of authenticity.

Basically, your wife is a stubborn, unaffectionate slob whose only virtues are being available for sex 24/7 and not spending money. 

NOW do you see how this sounds somewhat bogus???


----------



## PhillyGuy13

So she doesn't work, doesn't clean house, doesn't shop, kids are grown. 

Besides morning sex and evening sex, how does she spend the rest of her day?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985

Prodigal said:


> What part sounds like made-up fantasy? Pretty much the entire thing. So your wife NEVER did a single thing for the kids? Did she let them walk around in sh!tty diapers???? I mean, c'mon, this is so one-sided that it DOES stretch the boundaries of authenticity.
> 
> Basically, your wife is a stubborn, unaffectionate slob whose only virtues are being available for sex 24/7 and not spending money.
> 
> NOW do you see how this sounds somewhat bogus???


Many people use the "always" and "never" words about their spouse, especially when they are angry with them or re-writing the marriage history. Yes, she has done some work with the kids, but he probably means he had done 90% (pick a number) of the tasks. When the anger or disillusionment is this strong, the other 10% have little meaning. 

I would bet that if we asked her how much she does, she will over estimate the number, just like he is underestimating it too.


----------



## john117

Does the 10℅ have any meaning whatsoever?


----------



## Blondilocks

" By December of the same year we purchased our first home in a very nice area. Six years later we had the entire house paid off. I've always been good at making money and my international sales job paid bills, then *started my own company which she helped out with*, and it thrived to the point where we are now."

She did help build the business.

Guth, you need to *ask* her why she won't walk side by side with you. You need to ask her how *she* would feel if you didn't oblige when she initiates sex. Right now, she is getting her needs met - ask her what about yours? 

In short, you two need to have an actual conversation on the subject.


----------



## MattMatt

Guth said:


> Thanks all comments.
> 
> When was the last time she walked up and hugged me at random? Maybe never. I do it to her daily. At the end of the day as I'm sitting down on the sofa does she ever come sit down next to me put her hand on my leg and want to talk? Never. She always has some task to do, slowly.
> 
> 10' is no exaggeration. It's also 2'. I guess about a year ago I poured my heart out to her and said I just can't stand it everywhere we go you linger behind like that. Look at all the couples we see. They walk together. Going out to walk is a pleasure let's enjoy the moment. She gets kind of angry if I tell her to do something she just naturally doesn't do. There was no improvement. I don't walk fast. If I slow WAY down so she can catch me from behind, she has a type of distance radar so she slows too.
> 
> Where did we meet. I was attending a university in her city and I eventually graduated from there. I speak that language quite well and know the customs. So it's not a traditional mail order bride deal. My wife was a student there and her English is excellent. She was a star student, no idiot. Public displays of affection among youth are hit and miss, probably less than what you see here. But we are mid/late 40s now and I'm not going to spend the rest of my days walking with my wife meandering a few feet back.
> 
> Among this community I hope to find some support in how to deal with accepting things that REALLY bother one spouse. If there's anyone who can help me change this woman, even better.


My wife rarely hugs me. It's just part of her ASD condition and it's just one of those things.


----------



## MattMatt

Quick note.

Rather than hinting that you think a poster is a troll, why not follow the rules of TAM and use the report button (it's the little exclamation point in the triangle that you'll find bottom left of every post) to report the poster as being a potential troll? 

After all in theory it's possible to get banned for breaking this rule and what's the point of that?


----------



## Blondilocks

Was it a custom in her village for the woman to walk behind the husband? Could she be showing you respect in that regard?


----------



## 225985

Blondilocks said:


> *Right now, she is getting her needs met -*
> 
> In short, you two need to have an actual conversation on the subject.


Maybe, maybe not. I bet if we asked her if she was meeting his needs, she would say yes, she has sex with him every day.

:iagree: The actual conversation is long overdue. Like tonight....


----------



## Guth

Hi. Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it greatly. We have a lot going for us. To answer a few questions. 

She was not born or raised in a village, but her parents were. She's a city girl.

She was terrific with the kids as infants. Made all their food from scratch. Did the shopping. Those years went by and I rarely thought much about her keeping the messy house. When you have kids the house is messy, I thought. Well the kids are basically gone (2/3) and the house is still a pig pen. 

At work, we run a business. She works her tail off. But she chooses to really limit her tasks to the very basic, the minimum wage type of stuff. I don't want to get into that. It's irrelevant. She works and not that much but I don't fault her. 

Sex is constant and good. She loves it. Trust me it's not her just giving me sex. She and I are mega compatible and making love is two way benefit. 

I'll try. I try to tell her. I'll be patient. It's hard when I emerged from a state of constant focus on the kids (practice four night/week and competitions weekends) and homework and education activities that she did NOTHING to support. A big zero. 

Now we go out and all she ever does is trail behind. 

Leaving would be a mistake? Probably. I can't deny I want to do it. 

Now I have a problem m


----------



## PhillyGuy13

It all goes back to communication. This is the ongoing theme throughout all your grievances. She can't help what she doesn't know to help with.

Have you ever asked her to help more with kids/activities?

Have you ever asked her to help tidy the house? (Have you ever asked the KIDS to help tidy the house?)

Finally, work is work no matter what tasks she is performing - remedial or otherwise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks

Hire a cleaning service. Cheaper than prostitutes.


----------



## Guth

Getting deeper.

The kids do housework for sure, only because I direct them. Wife never ever tells them to do anything. I've had this talk with her for ages. She has teens at home and has to do laundry? Dishes? No, teach the kids and get them involved. Still, she would never tell them to do anything. She is incapable of telling the kids to do anything. I am ALWAYS the bad guy who tells the kids we will clean this or that. 

I have had long conversations with her about everything in this post. She won't change. She loves me, but she loves me without keeping a clean fridge, the freezer is stuffed with crap so you open the door it falls out. The counters are overflowing with things that belong in cabinets, vacuum is a foreign concept. Homework? What's that?Sports? Why would anyone do that when they can stay home.


----------



## Prodigal

Guth said:


> The kids do housework for sure, only because I direct them. Wife *never* ever tells them to do anything.
> 
> Still, she would *never* tell them to do anything. She is *incapable* of telling the kids to do anything. I am ALWAYS the bad guy who tells the kids we will clean this or that.
> 
> I have had long conversations with her about everything in this post. *She won't change.*


Then I guess you have your answer. At this point, what other advice are you hoping to get? She won't change. Period. So you either change, let the issue(s) go, or leave. It doesn't sound like there is anything else you can do, except tell her you will seek a divorce if she doesn't change certain behaviors.

She'll either change when threatened, or she won't. But if you are frustrated enough to walk, back up your words with action.

You discussions with her aren't working at all. Take action, or just let it be.


----------



## 225985

Blondilocks said:


> Hire a cleaning service. Cheaper than prostitutes.


If you sleep with the maid, is that getting two-for-one?


----------



## sapientia

happy as a clam said:


> My ex husband used to do this. It was his way of being passive aggressive (didn't want to "give me" what I wanted.) He got better about it when I told him he looked like a duckling trailing behind its mother.


Same, and another poster too, I see. Yuck. I agree with you about the PA behaviour.

I used to even slow down...he would just slow down more. I finally stopped inviting him to go for walks with me. And weddings, and parties, and concerts, and... well, we both know how such things end.

What I *should* have done was pick up a newspaper and chase him away the other direction saying "get _away_ from me, you Creep!".

Ah, the mind movie "If Only..." Parts I to a billion we enjoy in our mind. :laugh:


----------



## AliceA

Since you have to pretty much cut everything people on here say they do by half to get near the truth, it sounds like you both raised the kids but you took more interest in their sporting activities and homework. You're both pretty crappy at housework since the place is a pigsty. You both work but you don't value her contribution much. You don't have an issue with your sex life. Your wife doesn't walk beside you when you're out and about.

That last one sounds like a fair complaint. When my husband would only walk with the kids and not me, and on top of that would take both the kids so I was left to walk behind on my own like some sort of tag along, I was extremely annoyed. I refused to go out shopping with the family for a while since I don't need to be made to feel like ****. If he did that without the kids, well, I'd be seriously hurt and insulted. How to fix that? Well, in true me fashion I would not let it go until it was resolved. I'd bring it up each and every day if it played on my mind. I'd stop and not walk again until he stopped being an arse.


----------



## estes

I thought I posted on this thread already but I can't seem to find it.

Anyway

Your main problem is that she walks anywhere from 2-10 feet behind you. 

This bothers you, understandably.

So slow the freak down!

I wish all problems were as easy to solve as this one.


----------



## MattMatt

estes said:


> I thought I posted on this thread already but I can't seem to find it.
> 
> Anyway
> 
> Your main problem is that she walks anywhere from 2-10 feet behind you.
> 
> This bothers you, understandably.
> 
> So slow the freak down!
> 
> I wish all problems were as easy to solve as this one.


We might have had this problem but every time I walk too fast (and yes, I do walk too fast!) my wife pokes me and says: "Slow f**king down! We aren't on a route march!"


----------



## Livvie

estes said:


> I thought I posted on this thread already but I can't seem to find it.
> 
> Anyway
> 
> Your main problem is that she walks anywhere from 2-10 feet behind you.
> 
> This bothers you, understandably.
> 
> So slow the freak down!
> 
> I wish all problems were as easy to solve as this one.


Over this many years don't you think he has probably tried this?


----------



## norajane

Livvie said:


> Over this many years don't you think he has probably tried this?


Yes, he has, as he said in this thread. When he slows down, she slows down too, to keep the distance.

What I haven't seen in this thread is what she says when he asks her WHY she walks behind him. I would think that's an important question and answer.


----------



## 225985

norajane said:


> What I haven't seen in this thread is what she says when he asks her WHY she walks behind him. I would think that's an important question and answer.



Yes, it is the MOST important question for this thread, assuming OP is not already checked out and using this as the final straw before leaving.


----------



## Luvher4life

Heck, when my wife, kids, and I are out shopping (a rarity because I don't enjoy shopping, unless, of course, I have a specific purchase in mind), they are constantly complaining that I walk too fast. I slow down, they catch up, then slowly I am walking out in front of them again. Not everybody walks at the same pace, and the pace is always changing. Even when we are alone together I have to walk a little slower than what I would like. I take her hand, don't let go, and walk at "her" pace. This doesn't give her any excuse to not walk hand-in-hand with me, even though I know she likes to.

In this case, it would be interesting to hear the other side of the situation from her point of view. Until that time, there's not much anybody can do to help the OP. All we hear is how good a man he is, and how he has done everything right. I would be willing to bet that she doesn't have the same views of him as he does of himself. Nobody is faultless.

It sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis. When that happens, a person can look at things as half empty, instead of half full. You see the things you feel you are missing instead of the things that are really very good in the relationship, which inherently leads to resentment. After all, no matter how good things are, things could be better..., right? It's easier to think of the "grass being greener" elsewhere when looking at things in that way.

I would advise the OP to take a closer look into what has caused this separation in love languages. There has to be more to her unwillingness to compromise on this than what he has presented. It appears to me that he hasn't given any real validation to her reasoning (and none given here at all, except that she is stubborn), so apparently he is missing what she is saying to him by not giving him what he feels like he needs. There's definitely a LOT of resentment built up in both spouses, so I would surmise the communication level is definitely lacking. Saying and doing are completely different when it comes to communicating.

I would suggest you both read "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts", by Gary Chapman. If you really want to make your marriage improve, and communication flourish, this book is worth the read.


----------



## MattMatt

norajane said:


> Yes, he has, as he said in this thread. When he slows down, she slows down too, to keep the distance.
> 
> What I haven't seen in this thread is what she says when he asks her WHY she walks behind him. I would think that's an important question and answer.


He should try this: He should stop, then slowly walk backwards until they are together.


----------



## Luvher4life

MattMatt said:


> He should try this: He should stop, then slowly walk backwards until they are together.


Or hold her hand and not let go, walk as fast or as slow as she does, and never let her sink behind him.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Guth said:


> I'll try. I try to tell her.


Have you considered ASKING HER and LISTENING. You categorized her words as "excuses". That is pretty dismissive.


----------



## Guth

Thanks for everything. Much appreciated. I probably exaggerate my role in the success of our kids. Peer group is key. Where our kids grew up, nearly every kid has high goals and supportive parents. So my kids go along with their peers. I'm very proud of them. My wife has been totally uninterested and uninvolved. I put up with it. My problem too. But she just never could do a thing with their academics or sports. I took that as a challenge and ran with it. Now I'm tired and resentful. Feel like I just ran three marathons. During the race I didn't have time to think about it. 

Midlife crisis, bad attitude. Likely.

I'm also a bad housekeeper. Probably so. But it builds up and I'm the only one who does the task. 

I've tried everything to walk with her. Slowing down. Holding her, everything you can imagine. It must just kill her inner nature to do. We spent the day together yesterday. She can't walk with me. Totally bizarre. I've told her over the last year or so. My problem, I need to tell her the severity of my feelings. But will she ever want to go outside? I just feel pessimistic about the future. Frankly I think we won't make it, all because of me. 

I need to let this chill. I'll sign off for now. Thank you.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Guth said:


> I've tried everything to walk with her.


Except listening to her, dismissing her words as "excuses".


----------



## PhillyGuy13

I guess I'll throw it out there one more time on behalf of the forum. If it has been answered, I apologize.

When she walks behind you, and you let her know that this makes you unhappy --->. What does she say?

And what does she say when you ask her why she doesn't/didn't do more with the kids school and activities?

What does she say when you ask her to help more around the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad

Guth said:


> She's always 10' back. I slow down, she slows to a crawl. I see other couples especially smiling happy couples, the woman will even put her arm into her husband's or at least they're walking together as a couple. My wife lags way back. I used to tell her how much I dislike that but nothing will change her, nothing. Just get used to it I guess. Why though, why does a woman do that?


Because she is disrespecting you.

Consciously or subconsciously, doesn't matter.

At best, she's checked out of the relationship.

At worst, she's giving your respect to someone else.


----------



## estes

norajane said:


> Yes, he has, as he said in this thread. When he slows down, she slows down too, to keep the distance.
> 
> What I haven't seen in this thread is what she says when he asks her WHY she walks behind him. I would think that's an important question and answer.


Then he just keeps walking slower. What's she going to do, stop completely or walk backwards?


----------



## MattMatt

Luvher4life said:


> Or hold her hand and not let go, walk as fast or as slow as she does, and never let her sink behind him.


I don't think that would look good on the street, to be honest.


----------



## estes

MattMatt said:


> I don't think that would look good on the street, to be honest.


Who cares what it looks like to random strangers?


----------



## MattMatt

BetrayedDad said:


> Because she is disrespecting you.
> 
> Consciously or subconsciously, doesn't matter.
> 
> At best, she's checked out of the relationship.
> 
> At worst, she's giving your respect to someone else.


I think that your extrapolation, based on the available evidence, broke. It just went _ping!_


----------



## MattMatt

estes said:


> Who cares what it looks like to random strangers?


Because random strangers might misinterpret what they see and call 999/911/202 and then he gets to explain all his private s**t to the cops.


----------



## estes

Random strangers would call emergency numbers because they see two people walking down the street holding hands?


----------



## bandit.45

Is she Japanese?


----------



## bandit.45

BetrayedDad said:


> Because she is disrespecting you.
> 
> Consciously or subconsciously, doesn't matter.
> 
> At best, she's checked out of the relationship.
> 
> At worst, she's giving your respect to someone else.


Cheating , cheating, cheating.....

That's all you TAMmers ever say. 

If she walks too far behind shes cheating...

If she farts in the subway...she's cheating...

If she wears a man's tie.... she's cheating...

My gawd you people are disillusioned.


----------



## bandit.45

Maybe she's just a weirdo.


----------



## BetrayedDad

bandit.45 said:


> Cheating , cheating, cheating.....
> 
> That's all you TAMmers ever say.
> 
> If she walks too far behind shes cheating...
> 
> If she farts in the subway...she's cheating...
> 
> If she wears a man's tie.... she's cheating...
> 
> My gawd you people are disillusioned.


1) Funny but far more often than not, I'm right.

2) You're a TAMmer too. It's the club no one asked to join.


----------



## 225985

bandit.45 said:


> Cheating , cheating, cheating.....
> 
> 
> 
> That's all you TAMmers ever say.
> 
> .



He did not say she was cheating. He was bracketing the situation with best and worse case scenarios.

If you get your meds via mail order set to auto-refill, you won't run out.


----------



## estes

bandit.45 said:


> Cheating , cheating, cheating.....
> 
> That's all you TAMmers ever say.
> 
> If she walks too far behind shes cheating...
> 
> If she farts in the subway...she's cheating...
> 
> If she wears a man's tie.... she's cheating...
> 
> My gawd you people are disillusioned.


Breathe. It was only suggested as a possibility.

Cheating is ALWAYS a possibility when there are unexplained and unresolved problems in a relationship.


----------



## 225985

norajane said:


> Yes, he has, as he said in this thread. When he slows down, she slows down too, to keep the distance.
> 
> What I haven't seen in this thread is what she says when he asks her WHY she walks behind him. I would think that's an important question and answer.




Well OP came back and posted again. He either did not see this post or refused to answer the question.


----------



## MattMatt

estes said:


> Random strangers would call emergency numbers because they see two people walking down the street holding hands?


If they see a woman apparantly struggling with a man who will not let go of her hand then so civic minded person will call the police or intervene themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

blueinbr said:


> He did not say she was cheating. He was bracketing the situation with best and worse case scenarios.
> 
> If you get your meds via mail order set to auto-refill, you won't run out.


You are not getting Bandit's irony. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink

bandit.45 said:


> Maybe she's just a weirdo.


Probably... 

@Guth has done a fine job of touting his over abundance in character excellence yet has remained silent on his fine ass. 

Does he have a fine ass? 

Couldn't this be why his wife always walks behind him?


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Cheating would explain a lot.

Sex 1-2 times a day with Guth. Then God knows how many more times.

No wonder she walks so slowly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985

MattMatt said:


> You are not getting Bandit's irony.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Do you mean his sarcasm? :-/


----------



## Personal

bandit.45 said:


> If she farts in the subway...she's cheating...


To be fair, if she does do that it must be true... :wink2:


----------



## citygirl4344

When I was pregnant I would always walk behind hubby because he walks too fast...maybe you walk to fast?
Or maybe she is subconsciously trying to have her own space...have you actually asked her why she does this? If you have answered this already sorry,...I didn't read all the posts.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## 225985

citygirl4344 said:


> When I was pregnant I would always walk behind hubby because he walks too fast...maybe you walk to fast?
> Or maybe she is subconsciously trying to have her own space...have you actually asked her why she does this? If you have answered this already sorry,...I didn't read all the posts.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone




He was asked the same question earlier and ignored answering it.


----------



## Luvher4life

MattMatt said:


> If they see a woman apparantly struggling with a man who will not let go of her hand then so civic minded person will call the police or intervene themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't mean to actually force her to hold his hand. I meant to take her hand, walk at her pace, and keep her as close to him as he can. If she pulls away or struggles with him, by all means let her go.

Like I said earlier, there's much more to this than what we are being told. There's his side, then there's her side. He's done everything right according to him, but I think she would say something entirely different. That we'll never know because he won't answer the main questions that are being asked.

I think his dodging those questions points toward his looking for a way out of the relationship, seeking validation, if you will. Personally, I think he's going through the mid-life crisis we all do. He's just not handling it nearly as well as most men do.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Luvher4life said:


> I didn't mean to actually force her to hold his hand. I meant to take her hand, walk at her pace, and keep her as close to him as he can. If she pulls away or struggles with him, by all means let her go.
> 
> Like I said earlier, there's much more to this than what we are being told. There's his side, then there's her side. He's done everything right according to him,


No he has not. He has dismissed HER PoV as "excuses".




> but I think she would say something entirely different. That we'll never know because he won't answer the main questions that are being asked.


Ayuh.



> I think his dodging those questions points toward his looking for a way out of the relationship, seeking validation, if you will. Personally, I think he's going through the mid-life crisis we all do. He's just not handling it nearly as well as most men do.


Ayuh. Can you imagine a weaker argument for divorce than how one walks down the street?


----------



## BetrayedDad

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Cheating would explain a lot.
> 
> Sex 1-2 times a day with Guth. Then God knows how many more times.
> 
> No wonder she walks so slowly.


Yeah cause no woman has ever given her husband sex just to shut him up. Nor has any woman ever faked interest right? 



Guth said:


> Four months ago I told her it's nothing to feel bad about if we divorce. That was the first time I used the word. She seemed shocked. I mean, for 20 years the gravy train was going so well for her right? She disregarded it. I told her I am begging her to be my wife, to show love and walk together. Hold hands. We had our 20 year anniversary in May. I woke up and just laid there pretending to sleep. She got up and walked away from our bed without saying a word. I left for the day and spent it at the local beach, sulking in the window of a coffee shop where I saw every single couple walking hand-in-hand. I didn't speak to her all day. She pretended it was nothing. I have told her with all my heart I can't stay in the marriage if we have this separation of her wandering behind me anytime we go out together. *She just will NOT do it to save our marriage.*


This sounds like a woman who has zero respect for her husband and has LONG checked out. That is why she will not walk with him. She is repulsed by him.

Let's assume she's not cheating right now OP. She is a PRIME candidate. It's only a matter of time before someone lights that spark in her then it's game over.

She will either leave you for another man or stay and cheat. You either need to figure out how to get your wife to fall in love with you again (if it's not too late) or file for divorce.

If she doesn't even want to try then it's the latter. While you people make your dumb jokes about his "fine ass", this guy's relationship is on the cusp of failure.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah cause no woman has ever given her husband sex just to shut him up. Nor has any woman ever faked interest right?


Sure she could be cheating, I was just making a crude suggestion about her being sore which is why she walks slowly. Wasn't meant to be taken seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad

I never said she was cheating definitively....

Not all people who are checked out cheat but virtually all cheaters are checked out.


----------



## NobodySpecial

BetrayedDad said:


> I never said she was cheating definitively....
> 
> Not all people who are checked out cheat but virtually all cheaters are checked out.


This makes absolutely no sense. This is the exact same behavior she has had for the entire 20 year marriage. Why would it be evidence of "checking out"?


----------



## CantePe

Guth said:


> Hi. I just typed this up to ask advice and realized I was here last year asking about the same issue. Nothing has improved. In fact I am at a breaking point. Here's a more detailed run-down of the situation:
> 
> I met a woman while living in SE Asia, We married 20 years ago and started a family here in USA. Our oldest two are in college, our other child is 11. For 20 years I have been mother and father, somehow I tolerated it. My wife's excuse, if you call it that, was that she was a foreigner and just incapable of guiding our kids' homework, talking to their teachers, getting them music lessons, sports, activities, driving to birthday parties, dealing with health insurance, banking, etc etc etc. She always made a huge ordeal about driving anywhere unless the supermarket. Our home has been pretty gross too, lack of cleaning and hoarding crap like junk mail, etc. Not a clean home on the inside but in a very nice area. Wealthy area.
> 
> I rose to the occasion and went berserk running a company, maintaining a gorgeous property, teaching the kids a work ethic, getting them into sports, taking them to practice (two of our kids are top athletes at the state level), guiding their homework (both kids in college are on academic scholarships). We never had a financial problem, we own everything except modest mortgages on our homes (primary residence and rental duplex). We are financially well off and have a college fund to pay tuition for the two older kids, both are studying sciences. Very bright kids.
> 
> About three years ago I started to take some deep breaths and it was like, this lady I married just goes along. She doesn't clean well. She never took the kids out to the playground, total homebody. Staying home is all she wants. Never organized a vacation, a picnic, etc. She didn't even feed them too well, I had to get involved there too. I also took note that when we go out together, she never stands by my side like a loving couple does. She walks a few feet behind. I started to say hey I love you and we are a couple, I want to hold your hand. I want to walk side by side. We have accomplished so much, look at our beautiful kids. Now let's be lovers in this time and place, let's hold hands and show some affection. I am very affectionate.
> 
> On the subject of sex, over 20 years of marriage we have sex almost every day. Many times twice a day. I find her very appealing, to say the least. I never tire of sex with her, and she absolutely loves it. I am her first man and I am tender and a good lover. No matter what arguments we have, which are really getting escalated over the last year, we still have sex regardless.
> 
> My wife is stubborn. She won't show affection to me after all these years and I have told her -- look this is a big deal. I see other couples everywhere walking side-by-side. Holding hands. She will not change. How foolish. I am under a lot of stress, just unwinding from 20 years of doing all this work for our family. Now I can hardly look at her without feeling I want out. I want out of this marriage. I know, the grass is always greener, but I want to leave her and find someone that can enjoy lovers time away from the home. Someone who can go take a walk outside. I feel like these 20 years of marriage occurred out of a type of Mother Nature calling at our young age, to procreate and care for a family. I have done absolutely everything above and beyond. The proof is in the accomplishments of our kids, and our financial situation.
> 
> Four months ago I told her it's nothing to feel bad about if we divorce. That was the first time I used the word. She seemed shocked. I mean, for 20 years the gravy train was going so well for her right? She disregarded it. I told her I am begging her to be my wife, to show love and walk together. Hold hands. We had our 20 year anniversary in May. I woke up and just laid there pretending to sleep. She got up and walked away from our bed without saying a word. I left for the day and spent it at the local beach, sulking in the window of a coffee shop where I saw every single couple walking hand-in-hand. I didn't speak to her all day. She pretended it was nothing. I have told her with all my heart I can't stay in the marriage if we have this separation of her wandering behind me anytime we go out together. She just will NOT do it to save our marriage.
> 
> What a stupid thing right? Am I a fool? Because with each day I am closer to leaving. Recently I was at a store and a lady caught my eye, my age. We had a glance together. Then ironically we walked out at the exact moment and I just felt at ease and asked if she knows of any good noodle shops in the area. She said yes. We met a mile away at a shop, had a nice lunch. Afterward walking back she put her hand on my elbow and we walked back to our cars. For 20 years I provided everything possible to my wife and she will not do what a random lady did who I met in the supermarket 2 hours earlier.
> 
> It seems like I am being torn away from her for such a stubborn and foolish reason. Based on your experience, how can I best tell my wife I am at the end of the line with her and will leave. So sad.


Two kids or three?

Where's the 11 year old in all this?

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt

NobodySpecial said:


> This makes absolutely no sense. This is the exact same behavior she has had for the entire 20 year marriage. Why would it be evidence of "checking out"?


I think I understand the problem, here...


----------



## 225985

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah cause no woman has ever given her husband sex just to shut him up. Nor has any woman ever faked interest right?
> 
> 
> 
> This sounds like a woman who has zero respect for her husband and has LONG checked out. That is why she will not walk with him. She is repulsed by him.
> 
> Let's assume she's not cheating right now OP. She is a PRIME candidate. It's only a matter of time before someone lights that spark in her then it's game over.
> 
> She will either leave you for another man or stay and cheat. You either need to figure out how to get your wife to fall in love with you again (if it's not too late) or file for divorce.
> 
> If she doesn't even want to try then it's the latter. While you people make your dumb jokes about his "fine ass", this guy's relationship is on the cusp of failure.




He is a prime candidate to cheat too. Remember the noodle incident. I have more concern about him cheating. I am not judging whether or not that is wrong in his case. Just stating a possibility that he has already alluded too.


----------



## VladDracul

bandit.45 said:


> Cheating , cheating, cheating.....
> 
> 
> If she walks too far behind shes cheating...


While camping recently after reading some of this thread, I saw a woman walking the trail a couple of yards behind her husband. I couldn't resist and ask why. She said there were reports of rattlesnakes in the bushes adjacent to the trail.


----------



## 225985

BetrayedDad said:


> I never said she was cheating definitively....
> 
> 
> 
> Not all people who are checked out cheat but virtually all cheaters are checked out.



If that was true there would be no reconciliations.


----------



## 225985

NobodySpecial said:


> This makes absolutely no sense. This is the exact same behavior she has had for the entire 20 year marriage. Why would it be evidence of "checking out"?




More likely he is checking out. There are a lot of us who after 20 or 25 years no longer accept what was put up with for decades.


----------



## BetrayedDad

NobodySpecial said:


> This makes absolutely no sense. This is the exact same behavior she has had for the entire 20 year marriage. Why would it be evidence of "checking out"?


What makes you think every spouse is checked in when they get married? Mine was not. Some people marry for other reasons besides love. (e.g. financial reasons) Unfortunately, they rarely announce their intentions to their significant other.



blueinbr said:


> If that was true there would be no reconciliations.


Why? Most cheaters are checked out. Lack of love, attention, meeting needs, etc. are contributing factors. Do you believe no one can ever check back in? I don't.

Put it another way, if you cared about spouse deeply and still slept with another person then that's even more abhorrent. Essentially, you would be a sociopath.


----------



## BetrayedDad

blueinbr said:


> He is a prime candidate to cheat too. Remember the noodle incident. I have more concern about him cheating. I am not judging whether or not that is wrong in his case. Just stating a possibility that he has already alluded too.


He sure is a candidate..... 

Look, let's make this really simple for everyone:

Is the wife checked out? YES

Is the wife disrespecting him whether she means to or not? YES

Is there some innocent reason for all this? Highly unlikely

Is she cheating on him? Perhaps

Is he vulnerable to cheating on her? Perhaps

Do they need to work on these marital problems? Definitely

That's my take. If you see it otherwise, then good for you.

Offer the OP your two cents and lets stop derailing his thread.


----------



## sokillme

BetrayedDad said:


> Put it another way, if you cared about spouse deeply and still slept with another person then that's even more abhorrent. Essentially, you would be a sociopath.


I tend to think lots of WS do in their own way care about their spouses as deeply as they can. They just care about themselves much more. This is why most are not a good candidate to marry or stay married to.


----------



## 225985

BetrayedDad said:


> What makes you think every spouse is checked in when they get married? Mine was not. Some people marry for other reasons besides love. (e.g. financial reasons) Unfortunately, they rarely announce their intentions to their significant other.
> 
> 
> 
> Why? Most cheaters are checked out. Lack of love, attention, meeting needs, etc. are contributing factors. Do you believe no one can ever check back in? I don't.
> 
> Put it another way, if you cared about spouse deeply and still slept with another person then that's even more abhorrent. Essentially, you would be a sociopath.




Didn't sleep with another person but i am projecting here so i will wait for OP to complete this story. 

I think his kids sustained him through a bad marriage. With them gone, he wants out. Maybe she does too.


----------



## NobodySpecial

BetrayedDad said:


> What makes you think every spouse is checked in when they get married? Mine was not.


You must be really bitter to cast almost every story as the same as yours. There is precisely no information to support this on this thread. Since we don't know WHY she doe this because he has dismissed what she has said and won't share what she has said here, let's just assume she is a cheating beotch. Check.


----------



## NobodySpecial

blueinbr said:


> Didn't sleep with another person but i am projecting here so i will wait for OP to complete this story.
> 
> I think his kids sustained him through a bad marriage. With them gone, he wants out. Maybe she does too.


When there is no information from a poster, make it up!


----------



## estes

NobodySpecial said:


> When there is no information from a poster, make it up!


It's called "creative gap filling".


----------



## 225985

NobodySpecial said:


> When there is no information from a poster, make it up!




No. He gave information. This was my interpretation. I may be wrong. But not made up. No worse than saying the wife is cheating. 

He already indicated his relationship with the kids. If the sexes were reversed we would think that the wife had checked out.


----------



## estes

blueinbr said:


> No. He gave information. This was my interpretation. I may be wrong. But not made up. No worse than saying the wife is cheating.
> 
> He already indicated his relationship with the kids. If the sexes were reversed we would think that the wife had checked out.


By definition "interpretation" is invoking creative license.


----------



## Blondilocks

It could be as simple as a difference in heights. My husband was 7" taller than I. Holding hands all the time while walking was comfortable for him. Not so much for me as I was reaching up to hold his hand. After a while, I had to let go. 

Guth's wife sounds like she was a very good mother when the children were infants. Guth sounds like he really took over when the kids started school. She might have felt left out. 

In any event, saying that she really works her tail off and in the next breath minimizing her efforts may be the key to why she takes a backseat and walks behind him. It's like the woman can't do anything right. Note that she wasn't the one to pretend to be asleep on their anniversary and she wasn't the one to sulk the day away in a coffee shop.

Guth, you need to learn how to communicate without minimizing, blaming and throwing yourself a pity party. If you want out, just say so. You don't need to invent reasons or blow behaviors out of proportion. And, own your sh!t.


----------



## estes

Blondilocks said:


> It could be as simple as a difference in heights. My husband was 7" taller than I. Holding hands all the time while walking was comfortable for him. Not so much for me as I was reaching up to hold his hand. After a while, I had to let go.


You could have held onto something else. Of course you'd get strange looks from passersby but if it solves the problem who cares what they think.


----------



## Blondilocks

estes said:


> You could have held onto something else. Of course you'd get strange looks from passersby but if it solves the problem who cares what they think.


Yeah, I generally switched to holding onto his wallet. lol


----------



## 225985

estes said:


> By definition "interpretation" is invoking creative license.




Huh? Really? Well i am not telling the story. Just offering him my advice. Until each OP presents a ten page story reviewed for accuracy and completeness by the spouse and therapist, we are just going to have to offer advice based on the limited information they offer. And any advice is predicated on having a view or understanding of his situation. 

You are free to sit back and wait til post 700 when all the details are revealed while the rest of us try to help the guy. As he offers more info, prompted by our questions and advice, we may need to adjust our advice.

He also is going to lunch with random woman. Is that because his wife walks behind him?


----------



## estes

blueinbr said:


> Huh? Really? Well until each OP presents a ten page story reviewed for accuracy and completeness by the spouse and therapist, we are just going to have to offer advice based on the limited information they offer. And any advice is predicated on having a view or understanding of his situation.
> 
> You are free to sit back and wait til post 700 when all the details are revealed while the rest of us try to help the guy. As he offers more info, prompted by our questions and advice, we may need to adjust our advice.


I don't have that kind of time.


----------



## BetrayedDad

NobodySpecial said:


> You must be really bitter to cast almost every story as the same as yours.


What an ignorant comment. EVERYONE views the world through their own experience, including you. 



NobodySpecial said:


> There is precisely no information to support this on this thread.


Red flags... I don't need to watch a communist parade to see them.



NobodySpecial said:


> Since we don't know WHY she does this because he has dismissed what she has said and won't share what she has said here, let's just assume she is a cheating beotch. Check.


I see... Another misandrist ready to pounce on any male who will have the audacity to criticize a female. Check.


----------



## sokillme

I'm missing something did OP ask his wife why?


----------



## citygirl4344

sokillme said:


> I'm missing something did OP ask his wife why?




A number of us have asked that and he hasn't answered that question.

To me it could be something quite simple that if they communicate they might solve.
We won't know unless op comes back and addresses the questions.


Sent from my iPhone


----------



## BetrayedDad

If the wife tells him it's because he has a fine ass, I'm going to throw my laptop in the trash....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## estes

BetrayedDad said:


> If the wife tells him it's because he has a fine ass, I'm going to throw my laptop in the trash....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm the Ops wife, and I walk 10' behind him because he has a fine ass.


----------



## sokillme

citygirl4344 said:


> A number of us have asked that and he hasn't answered that question.
> 
> To me it could be something quite simple that if they communicate they might solve.
> We won't know unless op comes back and addresses the questions.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone


I think there should be an automatic post on here when a topic is brought up and it should say.

Did you talk to your spouse about it? What was their response? 

Like when you call your cable company and they play the recording of stuff to check first before you talk to the tech rep. :laugh:


----------



## BetrayedDad

estes said:


> I'm the Ops wife, and I walk 10' behind him because he has a fine ass.


I hope OP reports back...


----------



## Anon Pink

BetrayedDad said:


> What an ignorant comment. EVERYONE views the world through their own experience, including you.
> 
> 
> 
> Red flags... I don't need to watch a communist parade to see them.
> 
> 
> 
> I see... Another misandrist ready to pounce on any male who will have the audacity to criticize a female. Check.




You need to come up with a new screen name because you are so stuck in your victim chair it's very unpleasant to try to dialogue with you. 

You're a Dad, you've been betrayed. Move on.


----------



## Anon Pink

estes said:


> I'm the Ops wife, and I walk 10' behind him because he has a fine ass.


I walk in front and backwards because my H has a fine package.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Anon Pink said:


> You need to come up with a new screen name


I actually agree with you. If I had a nickel for every person who called me bitter because of it. I assure you I wouldn't waste my time posting if that was my beef.

Bottom line is someone has to administer the 2x4s and this site has enough coddlers and hand holders. I'll do the dirty work that's fine. You can hand out the hugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Prodigal

citygirl4344 said:


> A number of us have asked that and he hasn't answered that question.


I'd be most interested to see if he returns. After all, with so many posters asking him what his wife has actually said with no response, I get the feeling he is gone with the wind ...

If he's as authentic as he claims to be, I'm fairly sure he'll answer the question; if not, oh well ...


----------



## citygirl4344

sokillme said:


> I think there should be an automatic post on here when a topic is brought up and it should say.
> 
> 
> 
> Did you talk to your spouse about it? What was their response?
> 
> 
> 
> Like when you call your cable company and they play the recording of stuff to check first before you talk to the tech rep. :laugh:




Lol I so agree. "Well sir/madam have you gone through the relationship checklist on page three of your marriage book?" Lol

In all seriousness they don't communicate so it's not a shock that they are having problems.


Sent from my iPhone


----------



## MattMatt

Prodigal said:


> I'd be most interested to see if he returns. After all, with so many posters asking him what his wife has actually said with no response, I get the feeling he is gone with the wind ...
> 
> If he's as authentic as he claims to be, I'm fairly sure he'll answer the question; if not, oh well ...


Unless he knows why his wife walks behind him? (What was it? Ten feet? Five feet? Two feet. OP couldn't seem to say for certain.)

I think he actually wanted people to confirm his choice to cheat with Noodle Woman. 

I would love to hear his wife's side.

Would it be snide remarks, pointing out how poor she is as a wife and so on? So she lags behind to shut him out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985

I don't expect him to return.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

MattMatt said:


> I think he actually wanted people to confirm his choice to cheat with Noodle Woman.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think Matt hit on the crux of it here.

I don't expect him back either. He was looking for for faults with his wife as an excuse to cheat, and not walking side by side with him was the best he can come up with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I think Matt hit on the crux of it here.
> 
> I don't expect him back either. He was looking for for faults with his wife as an excuse to cheat, and not walking side by side with him was the best he can come up with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would guess that it happens every so often, when she stays to gaze at something in a shop window and OP is marching off down the road at this speed


----------



## Guth

Thanks for all the feedback. I didn't read them until today. Noted some people have asked the question, what does my wife say when I ask her why she wanders behind?

I frankly never knew it bothered me when we had young kids. We had this little herd of miniature people who we loved and cared about so much. I'd say about three years ago I started to say, VERY NICELY, things like "hey I love my wife so much, I love you and want to walk with you, let's walk together today". She is the type who just will not be forced to do anything. She won't budge if I ask her to do something that she doesn't like. So I am left with this decision that I spend the rest of my life enjoying special moments content that my wife is following a step or two behind. It's bizarre.

In April I had a very long talk with her and I poured out my heart. I said I can't help it, but feel that all the years went by and she never did a thing with the homework, the car insurance, the health insurance, the sports, the lessons, telling the kids to clean up, everything that is part of a partnership. I had to be father and mother. She knows it. I mentioned to our daughter (now almost 20) that I was mom and dad, and said yes you were. 

My wife just says I am so good at everything so she didn't do it blah blah blah. We still have an 11 year old. He is very independent, very strong, wild like kids can be (and I was). He needs a mom and dad. I told her look, we need to work together and keep us together for the sake of him. So I asked her to do more with his sports, academics, and get involved in school and whatever else she can. Because I am burned out with it and didn't even realize all until now. So yes, I even told her, I never complained about these things but it's all built up and I can't explain my feelings. I told her I am probably going through a MID LIFE CRISIS. I spelled it out just like that. As is typical with her, she tried to help for about three days then went back to before.

Part of the conversation was that I just can't stand the fact, and it hurts my feelings to no end, that she always walks behind me. At that moment she said, well I am like a guard protecting my kids. I have always let you go first, the kids follow and I stay back to protect them. This all made sense. I said ok, but now the kids are older, two are adults. Let's walk together. I need that. Look at all the couples you see. Nobody has a wife trailing behind. 

Maybe I need to remind her, cover this again. But I am telling you this woman is so set in her thinking that if I ask her to do something of what she thinks is important, she will do it. However if I ask something that she thinks isn't a big deal, she won't. That's her way.

A private thing that could be playing a role is I had an extremely deadly cancer which was detected super early (thanks to my daughter) and that was a wicked part of my life. I had surgery, outstanding care here (we live in a big modern city) and came out clean. So I look at anything different now. Nothing really phases me. Car broke down? Big Deal! Hungry? So what. At least I made it through that cancer and living. Wife won't walk with me for the rest of my life? OK good bye. Not gonna live like that.

Now I want to ask more about the sex. Not because I am a pervert. Please. But the question is, doesn't it seem very unusual that a couple would have sex so much, and it is truly intimate and very good sex, and still get a divorce? I'm hooked on her, find her eminently attractive. I think she knows that too. She may not be a walking goddess to everyone who sees her but frankly at 43 she looks better than she did at 30, and loves the activity just as I do. On that respect only we have perfect chemistry. 

I really think I shared too much here and respect your advice but will likely tune out for a bit and try to sort things out. Thank you.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Guth said:


> At that moment she said, well I am like a guard protecting my kids. I have always let you go first, the kids follow and I stay back to protect them. This all made sense. I said ok, but now the kids are older, two are adults. Let's walk together. I need that. Look at all the couples you see. Nobody has a wife trailing behind.


Nope.... they sure don't. Keep digging, mouth shut, eyes open.




Guth said:


> I really think I shared too much here and respect your advice but will likely tune out for a bit and try to sort things out. Thank you.


Good Luck.


----------



## sokillme

Guth said:


> Thanks for all the feedback. I didn't read them until today. Noted some people have asked the question, what does my wife say when I ask her why she wanders behind?
> 
> I frankly never knew it bothered me when we had young kids. We had this little herd of miniature people who we loved and cared about so much. I'd say about three years ago I started to say, VERY NICELY, things like "hey I love my wife so much, I love you and want to walk with you, let's walk together today". She is the type who just will not be forced to do anything. She won't budge if I ask her to do something that she doesn't like. So I am left with this decision that I spend the rest of my life enjoying special moments content that my wife is following a step or two behind. It's bizarre.
> 
> In April I had a very long talk with her and I poured out my heart. I said I can't help it, but feel that all the years went by and she never did a thing with the homework, the car insurance, the health insurance, the sports, the lessons, telling the kids to clean up, everything that is part of a partnership. I had to be father and mother. She knows it. I mentioned to our daughter (now almost 20) that I was mom and dad, and said yes you were.
> 
> My wife just says I am so good at everything so she didn't do it blah blah blah. We still have an 11 year old. He is very independent, very strong, wild like kids can be (and I was). He needs a mom and dad. I told her look, we need to work together and keep us together for the sake of him. So I asked her to do more with his sports, academics, and get involved in school and whatever else she can. Because I am burned out with it and didn't even realize all until now. So yes, I even told her, I never complained about these things but it's all built up and I can't explain my feelings. I told her I am probably going through a MID LIFE CRISIS. I spelled it out just like that. As is typical with her, she tried to help for about three days then went back to before.
> 
> Part of the conversation was that I just can't stand the fact, and it hurts my feelings to no end, that she always walks behind me. At that moment she said, well I am like a guard protecting my kids. I have always let you go first, the kids follow and I stay back to protect them. This all made sense. I said ok, but now the kids are older, two are adults. Let's walk together. I need that. Look at all the couples you see. Nobody has a wife trailing behind.
> 
> Maybe I need to remind her, cover this again. But I am telling you this woman is so set in her thinking that if I ask her to do something of what she thinks is important, she will do it. However if I ask something that she thinks isn't a big deal, she won't. That's her way.
> 
> A private thing that could be playing a role is I had an extremely deadly cancer which was detected super early (thanks to my daughter) and that was a wicked part of my life. I had surgery, outstanding care here (we live in a big modern city) and came out clean. So I look at anything different now. Nothing really phases me. Car broke down? Big Deal! Hungry? So what. At least I made it through that cancer and living. Wife won't walk with me for the rest of my life? OK good bye. Not gonna live like that.
> 
> Now I want to ask more about the sex. Not because I am a pervert. Please. But the question is, doesn't it seem very unusual that a couple would have sex so much, and it is truly intimate and very good sex, and still get a divorce? I'm hooked on her, find her eminently attractive. I think she knows that too. She may not be a walking goddess to everyone who sees her but frankly at 43 she looks better than she did at 30, and loves the activity just as I do. On that respect only we have perfect chemistry.
> 
> I really think I shared too much here and respect your advice but will likely tune out for a bit and try to sort things out. Thank you.


Uhh, this site give me a headache sometimes. 

So now we get what this is really about. It is really a combination of the fact that she lets you do all the work in the relationship and doesn't walk with you in public. I think what you are saying is you think she really doesn't respect you. I am not sure what she would say if we asked her but if everything you say here is accurate then I think you have a right to think that. To me your story sounds like a wife who doesn't respect her husband much. 

So you have got to tell her you feel this way. and not in the wishy washy fashion, which seems to be your MO from your posts on here. Blunt and direct. Then see if she changes or at least gives you a better reason then, well you do it better then I do. That is not a good reason and not the way a good marriage works. I wonder if your passive aggressiveness (as exhibited here) is part of her issue with you. 

Bottom line though is if she doesn't change then posting on this board is not going to fix that. There is no secret anyone can give you to make the person you are with change. The only thing you can change is you. That means you decide if you can live with it or you move on.


----------



## Blondilocks

There are two couples in my neighborhood (one couple is Asian-Indian and the other Vietnamese) where the wife walks about ten feet behind the husband. It's only a problem if you make it one.

When I wasn't walking with my husband, I was out in front. Why? Because he liked to walk slowly and my natural gait is fast and faster. He threatened to put blinkers on my hips so he could keep track of me. Of course, I would wait for him to catch up when I'd gotten the walk out of my system.


----------



## 225985

NobodySpecial said:


> When there is no information from a poster, make it up!




So he is unhappy with the marriage and wants out (divorce). Seems i did not make that up, unfortunately.


----------



## Blondilocks

"On that respect only we have perfect chemistry."

Before you march off to the attorney's office, take a look around the Sex in Marriage forum. Get a really good look at how very different it can be for other people and maybe you will appreciate what you have. How about going to a marriage counselor and see if the counselor can help the two of you sort your differences?


----------



## Guth

Hello I'm back. Things have changed.

My wife went to visit her family overseas for six weeks, leaving my son (11) and I. We have a small motorhome and I control my own work schedule. Those 6 weeks we travelled all over and in that process I discovered Tinder which allows you to see people wherever you go. It's a really interesting App because we could go from our home town, to a mountain town 10 hour drive away. Then you can see the change in what the people look like. So it's not just a fascinating dating app, it's a window into what people look like in other parts of the country.

One trip we took was to a corner of our state's Canadian border. I was looking through Tinder and found one lady there, Canadian. She and I shared a connection and started talking but when I discovered she was in Canada I joked that this is an international love story ha ha. Left it at that. But every day or two we'd say hi how are you, that's it. She said she'd be visiting her family in my town I said sure let's meet. It seemed like she was trying to hook into me rather than the typical Tinder deal where the guy is trying to sell himself and get a date. I was just nonchalant, I am married after all. But I didn't tell her. After my wife came back I deleted my Tinder description and left the photo. At one point she came down from Canada and sent me a message and I blew her off and said your family lives too far away I'm busy.

Then she went to Ottawa to see her kids and we went silent for 6 weeks or so. I sent her a hello two weeks ago and she was actually coming to see her family again. We ended up meeting at a shopping mall and she was very trusting. Came right into my car and we had a nice lunch and spent a few hours together. I was so stupid at that point I returned her to the wrong mall and it was pouring down rain. I got confused and dropped her off at Macys thinking that was the mall I'd picked her up at. She ended up crying because by that point I told her about my marriage and she thought I'd dropped her off at the wrong place intentionally because I had to get back to my wife. I got her text like an hour later, because I don't check texts often. I apologized profusely and begged forgiveness I really had no intention of doing that. She had found her way back to the right mall by getting a taxi. I came to see her the next day. I really felt an emotional attachment to her and stopped caring about my wife. I think I'm programmed to feel connected to one person. And I felt a connection to this other woman which switched off my attachment to a 20 year deal with my wife, which as I had told you we were sexually active almost every day for 20 years. Since I met the other lady I have been unable to get excited about sex with my wife, and we went two weeks with sex only twice and those two times I was not fully erect like I usually am.

I had phone text and long talks with this other woman over two weeks.

This woman is Asian (like my wife) and spent 35 years in Canada and raised kids there. In doing so she seems to have adopted all of the great kind Canadian characteristics. I mean everything you can imagine good about Canadians this lady has it. She speaks with a heavy accent because she remained in her community mostly. She is absolutely gorgeous and looks like a model. She takes good care of herself, not an ounce of fat and super complexion. Exercises, eats well, and according to her all kinds of men are crazy for her based on her looks but she never feels any connection with them. She was married 20 years, left that guy, fell in love with a younger man, they split, had something with an American guy who she says she didn't connect with but he was rich older guy who was also impotent due to a heart attack so she left him due to being so inactive, then spent 6 years with a guy in BC who she didn't love for the last few years of the relationship and finally moved out over the summer.

If she and I walk together I feel I am out of my league in terms of looks, as she could be on the arm of any man and fit right in. She is basically a perfect 10 for looks, dress, makeup, hair, teeth, everything. The entire package. She is also four years older than me, not a young lady by any stretch. She could pass for being in her 20s if you can believe it. She's 52. As everyone has a "type" I am actually a bit of a fetish for sexy older women. I don't relish the thought of picking up a girl 20 years younger and starting another family. No way. I like my age or better by a few.

I came up here to her pretty town yesterday for a four day stay. My company has a customer here and I have a lot of remote work to do so I told my wife I'm gonna be gone.

We had a nice night together just talking and talking and our connection is so real. She says the fact that I was not interested in her at the start probably made her more interested in me. I am convinced she's not out playing the field. She says she has a true and pure love connection with me, I feel the same with her. This morning we went to the hotel pool and swam for half an hour then she did the treadmill for another 10 minutes. 

In 20 years my wife never stepped into a swimming pool. My wife looks awful in a swimming suit due to the weight she's carrying from head to toe and she doesn't even know how to swim. On the other hand I am trim and not overweight at all. My wife doesn't like to go outside. Our older kids are in college and we have just one left at home. 

As I had shared with you before in this thread, I have been hinting to my wife for three years that we are headed to divorce. In March I told her directly that it's perfectly normal for couples to divorce. In May we had another conversation. She pretends the next day that we never had that conversation. Late summer I told her in front of our son, which was not good, that we are going to divorce. That was after I took her up to a spectacular mountain village that is the peak of romance, they had a music festival going on and there is even no cell service up there. Just got away from everything and the weather was perfect but we could not walk around the gorgeous town arm-in-arm she MUST lag behind me a few feet and it just kills me. Can you believe that?

Now all of this is happening with a woman who loves to travel, loves to swim, exercise, and is really like the proverbial "night and day" contrast with my wife.

Now I'm planning to ask that my wife go back to her country from two months and then before she returns I am planning to take this new lady overseas on a trekking / adventure / motorcycle tour for another two months. FYI she loves motorcycles and I grew up riding, and racing dirt bikes. My wife will never ride on the back of a motorcycle. It's all just looking so ridiculous that I stay married. However I will try to be separated for a year. If my wife sees this other woman she will be really shocked and hurt because nobody in their right mind would ever think, in a physical sense, they are comparable. Part of me thinks, well she could be after my money but why? I am not really that wealthy just have some nice properties and after all, Canada is a rich country she earns money on her own and if she wanted Mr Moneybags she could find one with her looks, for sure. Ok I wonder what you think.


----------



## GTdad

Guth said:


> Ok I wonder what you think.


What I think would get me banned for all eternity if I typed it out.


----------



## becareful2

So instead of doing the honorable thing by divorcing your wife and then finding another woman, you hung on to your marriage until you've developed an emotional bond with this new woman. Congratulations, you've just become a cheater.


----------



## GTdad

And we may have solved the mystery of why she always walks behind Guth. She's concerned that if she walked besides him, she may not be able to keep herself from pushing him into traffic.


----------



## Prodigal

Yeah, you are now in the cheater category. So, rather than divorce your wife, you're going to send her back to her country for several months so you can motorcycle around with the OW. Guth, you don't sound like an honorable man.


----------



## Guth

I was honorable for 20 years I think that counts for something, but at this point I fit the bill with whatever labels you want to use. I think a one year separation is important before a formal divorce.


----------



## MrsAldi

Never been on Tinder but I hear it's like a mirage in the desert, if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is, especially if you're carrying bad karma. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## MJJEAN

Guth said:


> I was honorable for 20 years I think that counts for something, but at this point I fit the bill with whatever labels you want to use. I think a one year separation is important before a formal divorce.


Unless you tell your wife you're separating for a year and intending to divorce her, it's not a separation before a formal divorce. It's you sending your wife off to be with her family while you have a secret affair with some chick you met on Tinder.


----------



## Guth

MrsAldi said:


> Never been on Tinder but I hear it's like a mirage in the desert, if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is, especially if you're carrying bad karma.


I agree totally. Probably is too good to be true. May not last at all, but it's a type of eye opener that I can spend time with someone with habits and traits different from the wife I've fallen out of love with. Languishing for 3 years saying hey wife I wanna cut bait here, and especially the last 6 months -- only to see her basically ignore me. Well, finding a new person shouldn't be a huge surprise but I realize it's not the proper sequence.

We've already talked about her going off for a couple months, starting January. I should tell her what I'll be doing. 

Look you live only once and I am fit, healthy and ready to enjoy a great adventure, and my wife would NEVER pack up and go stay here, there, travel around, hike, motorcycle, etc. She doesn't even like walking. In some respects telling her I'll have a companion should be a welcome discovery, as she would never go. We'll see. Thanks for the feedback.


----------



## prunus

Guth said:


> Married 19 years, three kids, seems "so so" overall at this point.
> 
> We don't get too much time to go out and enjoy life together. Whenever we do, such as a trip to the store or a walk on the beach, going to a campground out in the sticks for a weakend, she just will not walk with me. She's always 10' back. I slow down, she slows to a crawl. I see other couples especially smiling happy couples, the woman will even put her arm into her husband's or at least they're walking together as a couple. My wife lags way back. I used to tell her how much I dislike that but nothing will change her, nothing. Just get used to it I guess. Why though, why does a woman do that?


Ugh! I can't wait to read this entire thread later tonight. My STBXH walked behind me, too, and now the kids do it. It's maddening. When I would ask, he'd say he didn't know where I was going. He was a follower, not a leader. Hated it. I will say that's one thing I will look for whenever I decide to jump into the dating scene...a man with a mind of his own and willing to take charge and lead sometimes. OK, rant over.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Posted August 2016


PhillyGuy13 said:


> ...
> I do have to wonder if you have a wandering eye and are looking for excuses to leave her. Walking behind you, a cluttered house.
> ...


Yup this was EXACTLY the case but none of this was mentioned to us at the time was it?

Your wife walks behind you because for 20 years you've made her feel inferior to you. By your words. By your actions.

Frankly, I find your actions to be despicable.

Good luck to you and your mistress.

Do your wife one favor and give her the freedom she deserves and give her a quick and easy divorce.


----------



## Prodigal

Guth said:


> I was honorable for 20 years I think that counts for something, but at this point I fit the bill with whatever labels you want to use. I think a one year separation is important before a formal divorce.


I'm not using "labels" I'm just telling you what you are. But apparently you think 20 years of the duty, honor, country stuff gives you a pass in your mind to f^ck around on your wife. That one year separation is important, so how about you man up and start right now. Tell your wife you've met someone else. Tell her you want to separate and ultimately divorce.

Man enough to do that?


----------



## Blondilocks

I think:

"She was married 20 years, left that guy, fell in love with a younger man, they split, had something with an American guy who she *says she didn't connect with but he was rich older guy who was also impotent due* to a heart attack so she left him due to being so inactive, then *spent 6 years with a guy in BC who she didn't love for the last few years *of the relationship and finally moved out over the summer."

She's trouble and trash and perfect for you.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Blondilocks said:


> I think:
> 
> "She was married 20 years, left that guy, fell in love with a younger man, they split, had something with an American guy who she *says she didn't connect with but he was rich older guy who was also impotent due* to a heart attack so she left him due to being so inactive, then *spent 6 years with a guy in BC who she didn't love for the last few years *of the relationship and finally moved out over the summer."
> 
> She's trouble and trash and perfect for you.


I ain't sayin she's a golddigger, but she ain't messing with no...


----------



## Prodigal

@Blondilocks - And the OP had a major issue with his wife walking 10 feet behind him. I believe he's about to discover what "issues" really are!


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Prodigal said:


> @Blondilocks - And the OP had a major issue with his wife walking 10 feet behind him. I believe he's about to discover what "issues" really are!


This was all baloney...

Finds a wife from overseas (his little fetish, as he mentioned). Probably poorly educated, tries her best to adapt to husband's world. Fish out of water but tries her best. Still does her wifely duty ever night. She walks behind him because in her culture women are often subservient to their husbands. As we are all apt to do, puts on a little bit of weight. Husband starts looking for any and all reasons to stray. Oh she walks behind him, oh the house isn't **** and span.

Second she is gone visiting family he's on Tinder. Oh to find out about the different cultures of the exotic people of the northern US. That's got to be in the running for biggest crock of sh!t I've ever heard for someone using a hook up app.


----------



## Guth

I'll keep you posted, and yes I am expecting to be criticized, called names, etc. I accept all of that, my own family would say the same things. 

Philly has it wrong as my wife is well-educated and came from privilege (may have mentioned that before) and in her culture there is NO wife walking 10' behind but I realize it is common fodder to say "you just don't understand the culture" blah blah I had lived in my wife's country for several years and speak her native language very well. Observe couples where she is from and they are walking side-by-side. 

20 years, I think so many marriages collapse after this. 

And as for married men with girlfriends, well if you want to talk about cultural sensitivity realize that this occurs far and wide around the world I am not much different.


----------



## Prodigal

Guth said:


> And as for married men with girlfriends, well if you want to talk about cultural sensitivity realize that this occurs far and wide around the world I am not much different.


We are not discussing "cultural sensitivity" here. Sure, people cheat on their partners all the time. I mean, Bill Clinton did it, and probably still does. Hey, EVERYONE does it, so it's okay, right?

How about everyone sets their hair on fire and shoves a blow-torch up their respective a$$es? Hey, EVERYONE is doing it. So go for it; that makes it fine.

Everyone. Is. Doing. It.

My husband was a career military officer. We traveled all over the world. I'm not some dumb hick that just fell off the cabbage truck. I have lived in many cultures. That doesn't mean that I accepted what I consider unacceptable. 

Carry on. Just understand that this forum is about marriage. It's not about condoning screwing around while married. Find a forum that is okay with that. I'm sure there are plenty out there. But be realistic - this IS NOT about culture - this is basically a pro-marriage forum.


----------



## becareful2

Guth said:


> I was honorable for 20 years I think that counts for something, but at this point I fit the bill with whatever labels you want to use. I think a one year separation is important before a formal divorce.


I was a good person for 49 years, 364 days until I decided to murder another person on day 365. 

Psssst.... it only takes one "oh sh*t" to ruin a thousand "attaboys". Don't break your arm trying to pat yourself on the back now, ya hear?


----------



## prunus

happy as a clam said:


> Hold her hand when you start to walk. It's impossible for her to lag behind if she's holding your hand.
> 
> My ex husband used to do this. It was his way of being passive aggressive (didn't want to "give me" what I wanted.) He got better about it when I told him he looked like a duckling trailing behind its mother.
> 
> Mean thing to say? Yes. But so was his behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmm, interesting. STBXH is extremely PA. Perhaps that's why he did it and it didn't have anything to do with not knowing where I wanted to go. I'll never know.


----------



## prunus

SARAHMCD said:


> Wow - my ex did this as well. When we went out for walks in the neighborhood or at any sort of festival where we're strolling..he would walk 10 feet behind. He hated hand holding, so that wasn't happening. His reasoning for not walking with me was that "I don't know where you want to go". It drove me insane and he could not seem to understand why.


Wow, this sounds familiar. Were you married to my STBXH?? LOL


----------



## Hope Shimmers

GTdad said:


> What I think would get me banned for all eternity if I typed it out.


QFT.

Just wow.


----------



## Evinrude58

Op, you've got a wife that gives you great sex, has a grea body(Takes care of herself), is loyal.
Guth, this is not going to go well for you. If ever a man is stepping purposefully into a pile of **** after being told repeatedly that it's not a mud hole, it's you.

Wear your stinky poopoo boots proudly in the future, sir. You're going to earn them.


----------



## 225985

Who is watching your son when you are on the two month tour with Ms. Canada?


----------



## citygirl4344

GTdad said:


> What I think would get me banned for all eternity if I typed it out.




^
|

This. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Guth

blueinbr said:


> Who is watching your son when you are on the two month tour with Ms. Canada?


Hi. I like that, Ms. Canada. In fact we stayed up the last two nights TALKING. Maybe it's because this is all so new. By the way Ms Canada has kids and they all do well, one is a young doctor who is getting into some type of training to become a surgeon. She's not making that up, who would? I saw his graduation pics and that is legit. She raised a doctor. The other kids business owners, etc. This is a good person I found, but who knows how long that lasts. 

I think I had mentioned previously in this thread that my wife doesn't talk to me either. So sad! She stares at youtube tv shows from her country mostly every evening. I know some people will blame me for that but I've tried tried tried. 

I had a chance to browse through partially, what I had written about my marriage last year when I started this thread. Huummmmmm. So many things about my marriage are no good!

I know I could be stepping into a big pile of dung. I have done fairly well in the business world by some combination of street smarts (extremely independent), and lacking trust in others. Working for what I earned, not depending on anyone. So now I will trust my own ability to stay out of too much trouble and see through my upcoming legal divorce as well as I can. 

So the deal with my 11 year old -- good question. I could use some advice but maybe others here may not understand or relate. Where my wife is from, I lived there as a student and I forever will love those memories, and my brain is oddly wired because I am bilingual as a result. When our two older kids were younger, they traveled many times back there but it was always for a few weeks. You may not have read in this thread what I previously wrote, that my older kids (in college now, both on academic scholarships) were raised with a really broad focus on education. I nourished them to learn learn learn, we didn't have television for 15 years. It was always projects at home, etc. They thrived. I regret NOTHING in the way they were raised, and those kids know in the deepest part of their hearts what I did for them. I gave them everything I had.

Now for my 11 year old, he will travel with his mom in January. At that age, the schools don't like kids to leave for too many days. Our older son spent January of his 6th grade overseas, and came back and got straight As (he was straight A all along). Now for my 11 year old, we will have to ask the school if he can be gone for 5 or 6 weeks. Of course, kids learn far more when they are overseas then they would in a 6th grade classroom, but schools get revenue based on hours that kids are in class, so they don't like absences. I may send him and his mom for months, to get him to be bilingual. Also, he is extremely talented athletically (gymnastics and wrestling, one of our state's top for both), super social, and wants to be an actor. Very handsome as well. So he may have a good opportunity there to grow in many ways. Of course I would miss him, but many families send their kids overseas for education. I'm hoping it all works out for him. If he has to repeat 6th grade next year, so what? He would be even more advanced with this sports relative to his peers, and I don't need to rush him to get into college too soon anyway. I doubt he would be held back though...

I am going to checkout of this thread for awhile and come back in 10 days or so rather than stick around and respond to the negative responses however I do read all of them and appreciate every message good or bad.


----------



## Openminded

Shaking my head. The things I read on TAM probably put Lifetime to shame (or would if I actually watched television -- instead I'm here).


----------



## Faithful Wife

I'm not clear, do his wife and kid know they are being sent away because daddy has a girlfriend?


----------



## PhillyGuy13

OP sh!ts ice cream too. He'll be back tell us in 10 days.


----------

