# Why isn't my husband interested in sex?



## Rose3

I need advise from some men. I've been married almost a year to my husband, we've been together over 5 years. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do I initiate it. When I bring it up he uses being tired from work as an excuse but even on the weekends I'm the one to initiate it. We will go 2-3 weeks without it and it doesn't bother him a bit. Not to sound full of myself but I'm pretty hot! I work out and take care of myself and always doing things to look good for him... It's lead me to wonder if he's cheating but I've done a little investigating and I'm certain he's not.. so what gives? I thought men generally want sex more than women so it hurts my self-esteem to not feel desired by my own husband... I'm starting to feel like going out and getting attention from other guys to lift my self-esteem.. Any advice or insight?


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## nirvanaozzy

That sounds really strange to me, my wife and I have been married almost 8 years now and I would NEVER EVER turn down sex. I can't get enough. We usually have is 3 or 4 times a week which is cool, but I would never turn down more sex. I don't know any guy that would. Not trying to scare you but I would say there is a decent chance he is having an affair. I don't know why else he wouldn't be interested. Men can NOT be too tired for sex. Ever.


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## Dryden

Can you pinpoint anything that may have changed when the desire for sex dropped off? Was there any marital troubles or anything at the time.

If he's constantly tired, maybe there's some imbalance with his Testosterone levels. Perhaps suggest that he get them checked to combat his tiredness? Does he still masturbate?

Also, sit him down and discuss it. Maybe somethings stressing him out or hes harboring some feelings that aren't out in the open. Bottling these up can cause the sex drive to shut down. I find simply talking about it and letting them out in the open can be relief enough to lift my spirits.

PS. I think there would be other signs than low sex-drive if there was anything funny going on.


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## triton1984

I find it hard to imagine myself ever being too tired for sex and never turn down my wife...even if I'm not necessarily "in the mood". I've gone a couple of days with only a few hours of sleep and still needed to make love over sleep. 

I would question whether he is into porn and masturbating....if he isn't having an affair. What about medications? Any depression issues?


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## Rose3

He doesn't turn down sex if I initiate it, the problem is that HE never initiates it. I feel stupid to be the only one to initiates it so I only do it once in a while which means we're only having sex once in a while... Probably 4-5 times a month. But usually it will be like 2 days in a row and then not again for 10 days or something like that. We've gone 4 weeks without it and it would have been longer had I not done something about it. I'm 99% sure he's not having an affair because I've searched for clues, checked up on him- like when he says he's going to his buddies house to watch football I'll drive by and make sure his car is there. I've broken into his facebook account and I've scanned his e-mails numerous times... nothing to even raise an eyebrow at. I'm like a freakin detective!! I can't even remember when it started going down hill, it's been probably at least 2 years.... probably around when we got engaged...


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## married07

Have you asked him about it? You have done all this behind his back but have you asked him to his face? He wont be embarrassed... I promise you.


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## Rose3

Yes I've asked him, and he was embarrassed. He just made excuses like, "well you were sick a few days and I've had a lot going on with work" etc... or "I guess I just don't need sex as much as you do.." I know I shouldn't snoop but I really thought he was having an affair.... I would never have gone through his things before this was an issue. I don't know what to do


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## Andre2000

sounds like he's a passive submissive male...

Boy...isn't it sexy? Ahhh no.

Question 1:...have you found yourself a nice assertive and dominant man yet to cheat with? If not, I'd be surprised.

Question2: are you undermining him with verbal attacks and what not? Just checking. If his self esteem is down then that does it, but I'm just asking if you are the one that does this....if not, might be his job. Could have an emotionally abusive boss...

Interesting though that it has been since you guys got engaged....


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## Rob2380

I'll try to give you my perspective as a male who has gone through this. My wife and I have been married over 30 years. She is the one who usually initiates sex. For years I've been focused on my job, which has caused it's own set of issues, one of which is to leave me mentally and physically exhausted at the end of the day. Throw in the fact that I used to "decompress" with a few drinks at the end of the day and bingo, no sex drive. It was far easier to just relax at the end of the day than initiate sex. Well, when I gave up alcohol just about a year ago, I thought my sex drive would return. Nope. Work was still a constant stress in my life. Also found out my T levels were very low. I'm now on hormone replacement therapy. I think it's helping, but we're in the early stages. It is hard for men to talk about this. If you can't get him to talk, maybe he'd put his thoughts in writing (I posted on this in another thread). Good luck.


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## Rose3

Andre- He's not submissive, he's very laid back and he doesn't let much bother him except maybe work... I'm not demeaning to him at all, we get along great most of the time its the passion that's lacking....
Rob- Thank you for your insight, it made me feel a little better. If you don't mind me asking- did/does it bother your wife that she always has to initiate? If so how did she talk to you about it without making you defensive?


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## artieb

Has he ever asked for anything and you shot him down?

You say you're hot, but you do _look_ and _act_ hot? It may be that he'll initiate sex if he gets an unmistakeable invitation. If you're wearing baggy sweats and slumping on the sofa, that may not inspire his libido. Nothing wrong with crashing if you're tired, but that may not be the kind of thing to get him to sit up and take notice.


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## Rob2380

Rose3 said:


> Rob- Thank you for your insight, it made me feel a little better. If you don't mind me asking- did/does it bother your wife that she always has to initiate? If so how did she talk to you about it without making you defensive?


Yes, it has bothered her over the years and we've talked about it on and off. Most recently the issue was one of several that we've been going through in our relationship. I was never defensive about her bringing it up, and knew she was right, but the desire just wasn't there for a number of reasons. It bothered me that it wasn't there, but we're working on it now. Libido is a complicated subject as we all know.

I think she brought the subject up in such a way that it was not an accusation, but more like "it would really make me happy if you initiated more". I think when you tell someone what they can do to make things better for you, it softens the blow. I always want her to tell me what I can do to please her and vice versa.


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## Andre2000

For sure though, he is passive. 
If you complain and get mad about something, does he excessively appologize?

Anyways, this is a good read
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...inate-enough-wives-who-how-reverse-roles.html


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## spanner

Does he have performance issues?


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## Just_Venting

Just hear me out before you judge...

Is there a chance that he is Bi-Sexual? 

My poor new wife found out after 12 years that her ex husband was bisexual. They would have sex when she initiated it only. She just had some strange feelings. (Always go with your gut) and turns out she thought he was having a female afair but found no evidence. Did not even think about a man until it came out..

I HOPE that this is not the case but it is another possibility.

I am like some of the other men in here. I would neve turn down sex or the opportunity of it. My wife gets tired of me wanting it.


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## Rose3

Andre- I don't complain about much- the only thing other than lack of sex that I would have to complain about is his messiness, he never cleans but I've learned that will never change and I've accepted it for the most part, he's the bread winner he works hard and I appreciate it so I try not to complain about things like that. He can be very stubborn and rarely apologizes to me even if I deserve one.

just-venting- yes I've considered him being bi before and I asked him one druken night and needless to say it didn't end well, we had a pretty big blow out- I guess its a pretty big blow to someones ego when your wife asks you if you might be gay... that was a mistake.

spanner- he has a quick trigger if you know what I mean and i know it bothers him he can't last longer... sometimes he has trouble getting it up and I have to really help him but most of the time thats not an issue.

Rob- thank you for the advice maybe I'll try talking to him about it that way. its just hard not to take it personally when so many other men say they want it all the time even when their tired. in my past relationships I never had to initiate it. i wouldn't even have the chance.

artieb- I wear sexy things to bed most of the time, Im cognizant of how I look when he gets home- if I'm wearing sweat pants I make sure I'm wearing a see through tight white tank or something on top, I prance around in little shorts or silk robes... I'm always thinking about ways to get his attention. 

I really think its like Robs situation, I think he might have low t levels or something too... how do I approach this so I don't upset him and get results?


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## sisters359

You have to risk him getting upset, because the prognosis for the marriage is not good if this drags on and on. 

Rather than asking again "why," simply suggest that he see his doctor and have his hormone levels tested. He should really talk to the m.d. about his performance issues, too, in case they are physiological in their nature. Embarrassing, well, only if he lets it embarrass him--the m.d. doesn't care, that's for sure. How to broach it? "Honey, I love you and I want to be desired by you. I need you to see your doctor and get your hormones checked so we know if we are dealing with a medical issue." If he refuses or argues, you will have to lay it on the line. "This is an issue that could potentially ruin our marriage. I want us to be partners in finding solutions." 

I also would suspect he is bi and his reaction, one of anger, would not convince me otherwise. If the medical report comes back ok, it's time to revisit the subject. 

If he is uncompromising (won't see the doctor; won't have a real conversation about it and resorts to anger to shut you down), then you have decisions to make. You can let him know "I will not continue forever in a marriage with an issue this important unresolved [but say it only if this is true]. We either work together to resolve it or we will grow apart." 

If he remains uncompromising, it's time for you to re-evaluate the relationship and decide if you really think you can continue or not. Give it your best shot, perhaps, but if/when your eyes start to wander, it will be time to let him know the issue has reached a crisis point and you are on your way out. Leave before you cheat; you'll feel better about yourself even in the midst of sadness, if that is what happens. Good luck.


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## Rose3

Interesting thing happened... Monday night we were supposed to have dinner together- I was under the impression we were going out and he was under the impression we were getting carry out (I did a 7 day juice fast and this was my first meal so it was kind of important to me) anyway he made plans to go bowling with his buddies the same night and wouldn't get home until 8:30 at which point he figured he bring home dinner... This pissed me off as I didn't think I should have to wait around for him and I wished he could have just put me first. He said he didn't realize I wanted to go out and make a thing of it. Anyway, I let him know I was a little disappointed but I didn't make a big deal out of it and I just made plans with a friend instead and told him just to go out with his friends. Since then he's been really sweet and we've had sex twice- later monday when I got home and last night.... 
I think me being understanding and not making an issue out of something I think I had the right to be mad about struck something in him... 
forcing me to look at myself a little closer and things I might unconsciously be doing that turn him off...

Anyway, thanks for all the advice and feedback... We have an appointment with a couples phycologist tonight to learn how to better communicate with each other. I'm excited and a little nervous....


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## Mr B

Men love sexual variety. It is programmed into them. Some can be married and walk the fine line between keeping their sexual interests high by watching porn and also having marital sex. But the need for variety also can cause some men to become sexually bored. And often this has nothing to do with the way the woman looks. The proof of this is the number of celebrity men who are married to great looking women but end up having affairs. Your regular Joe with a mortgage and kids probably won't step outside for sex because he has too much to lose. So internet porn, with it's ease of access and unending variety can cause a bored man to turn away from partner sex and use porn and masturbation as his main sexual outlet. This of course causes the lack of interest in sex with his wife to become amplified because he no longer needs her sexually.


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## OhGeesh

He's nuts that is why!! I've been married for 10yrs+ and still would gladly have "time" with my wife 4-5 nights a week vs our 2 or so now.......kids I'm gonna get em one day!!


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## OhGeesh

Mr B said:


> Men love sexual variety. It is programmed into them. Some can be married and walk the fine line between keeping their sexual interests high by watching porn and also having marital sex. But the need for variety also can cause some men to become sexually bored. And often this has nothing to do with the way the woman looks. The proof of this is the number of celebrity men who are married to great looking women but end up having affairs. Your regular Joe with a mortgage and kids probably won't step outside for sex because he has too much to lose. So internet porn, with it's ease of access and unending variety can cause a bored man to turn away from partner sex and use porn and masturbation as his main sexual outlet. This of course causes the lack of interest in sex with his wife to become amplified because he no longer needs her sexually.


I agree with the variety part........the porn part......I never got that!! What more fun being with a woman, oils, toys, wine, or looking at a computer screen with your hand?????? Some guys are crazy!!


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## J34

does he work a lot? working in a stressful environment or having a physically demanding job could be the reason. lack of sleep can have dramatic effects on our bodies/ performance. maybe he doesn't initiate it because he doesn't want to disappoint you. hope that makes sense


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## Mr B

OhGeesh said:


> I agree with the variety part........the porn part......I never got that!! What more fun being with a woman, oils, toys, wine, or looking at a computer screen with your hand?????? Some guys are crazy!!


Haha....you sound like a newlywed. And it's true, when a relationship is new porn and masturbation are definitely the second choice. I think guys in long term marriages who have grown tired and bored of the same-old same-old probably turn to porn to try and recreate the level of sexual desire they had when their relationship was days, weeks, maybe a few months old.


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## OhGeesh

Mr B said:


> Haha....you sound like a newlywed. And it's true, when a relationship is new porn and masturbation are definitely the second choice. I think guys in long term marriages who have grown tired and bored of the same-old same-old probably turn to porn to try and recreate the level of sexual desire they had when their relationship was days, weeks, maybe a few months old.


I hear ya.....I'm lucky my wife (except for normal aging) is the exact same size she was on our wedding day!! Works out stays in shape......she's quite adventerous too.

Like I tell friends I've beeng hitting it for (19 years) and married for (13 now) it's goooooooooood. You definitely have to push the envelope and talk about it all those fun conversations. 

*What turns you on, what do you like, what feels better, do you like to watch me, toys, etc etc etc etc. it doesn't stay exciting on it's own......you gotta work at it a little.


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## sisters359

The usual suspects for a man with a very low sex drive: hormones, sexual orientation, drug abuse (esp alcohol), affairs. Probably in that order, although orientation might be first. Men who are having performance problems and a low drive may well be bi or gay and in denial. That someone gets angry about a reasonable question would make me think I was on the right track. It takes a loving and compassionate partner to help a guy probe this possibility if he's in denial--it's very, very deep and he is truly "unaware" of his orientation. I have known men like this and it was so obvious to others but they had no clue and for cultural reasons, the thought was intolerably painful to them until they were ready to cope with it. Your husband may not be able to confront this part of himself, yet. Get hormones checked first and if it is not that, then his orientation is the obvious suspect. You sound smart and compassionate and I hope you will be ok if this is the way it turns out. You deserve to be desired, remember that.


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## cody5

There's no such thing as a bisexual male. What everyone wants to consider a bi-male is a gay man trying to fit into a heterosexual world. 

I'm well into my 30's as is my wife. She's gained a little weight since I've married her and is getting older. Yet I love her dearly and would have sex with her 3 times a day if she'd allow it. 

I think your husband is gay.


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## goincrazy

I can relate to almost everything in the original post. Except my husband and I are currently on 5 weeks without sex, which is sadly very common for us. I also consider myself to be attractive, and I work out often. I am the same size or a little smaller than when we got married. I just got rejected tonight. He was too tired and went to bed. I've found porn on our computer many times, so I know he is getting off. I know for a fact that he is not cheating, gay/bi, and no substance abuse. He does have a physical job, but can't we atleast have sex on the weekends? I'm at my breaking point right now. I was walking around in my bra and cute panties today with my ab muscles showing, and he had no reaction. We also get along pretty well, but the intimacy is just absent. I get hit on quite a bit at my job, and I'm seriously tempted. What do you men think? I'm not sure what else to do.


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## MEM2020

This is almost certainly his issue and sad truth - this pattern with a young male tends to get much worse over time. 

Put a keylogger on his computer and find out his porn preference. Might be very educational for you. 




Rose3 said:


> I need advise from some men. I've been married almost a year to my husband, we've been together over 5 years. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do I initiate it. When I bring it up he uses being tired from work as an excuse but even on the weekends I'm the one to initiate it. We will go 2-3 weeks without it and it doesn't bother him a bit. Not to sound full of myself but I'm pretty hot! I work out and take care of myself and always doing things to look good for him... It's lead me to wonder if he's cheating but I've done a little investigating and I'm certain he's not.. so what gives? I thought men generally want sex more than women so it hurts my self-esteem to not feel desired by my own husband... I'm starting to feel like going out and getting attention from other guys to lift my self-esteem.. Any advice or insight?


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## cherrypie18

goincrazy said:


> I can relate to almost everything in the original post. Except my husband and I are currently on 5 weeks without sex, which is sadly very common for us. I also consider myself to be attractive, and I work out often. I am the same size or a little smaller than when we got married. I just got rejected tonight. He was too tired and went to bed. I've found porn on our computer many times, so I know he is getting off. I know for a fact that he is not cheating, gay/bi, and no substance abuse. He does have a physical job, but can't we atleast have sex on the weekends? I'm at my breaking point right now. I was walking around in my bra and cute panties today with my ab muscles showing, and he had no reaction. We also get along pretty well, but the intimacy is just absent. I get hit on quite a bit at my job, and I'm seriously tempted. What do you men think? I'm not sure what else to do.


I had the exact same problem prior to getting pregnant minus the being tempted. Not having sex, too busy arguing nowadays though.
Would anal sex get them back up on the road??


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## goincrazy

cherrypie18 said:


> I had the exact same problem prior to getting pregnant minus the being tempted. Not having sex, too busy arguing nowadays though.
> Would anal sex get them back up on the road??


Ya know, I'm really not interested in anal sex, but I would be more than willing to try different things if he would show any interest in sex at all. He won't even go down on me and until that happens he's not getting anywhere near the anus.


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## cherrypie18

goincrazy said:


> Ya know, I'm really not interested in anal sex, but I would be more than willing to try different things if he would show any interest in sex at all. He won't even go down on me and until that happens he's not getting anywhere near the anus.


I know I was being sarcastic lol

I think anal should be a sort of a reward and they would have to work really hard for it


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## shazil

Rose3 said:


> I need advise from some men. I've been married almost a year to my husband, we've been together over 5 years. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do I initiate it. When I bring it up he uses being tired from work as an excuse but even on the weekends I'm the one to initiate it. We will go 2-3 weeks without it and it doesn't bother him a bit. Not to sound full of myself but I'm pretty hot! I work out and take care of myself and always doing things to look good for him... It's lead me to wonder if he's cheating but I've done a little investigating and I'm certain he's not.. so what gives? I thought men generally want sex more than women so it hurts my self-esteem to not feel desired by my own husband... I'm starting to feel like going out and getting attention from other guys to lift my self-esteem.. Any advice or insight?


is he over weight? if no then he is bored with you . this happens. if he is fat then he has low testosterone. smokers and alcoholics have libido problems too. if none health issues then he just lost interest in you. at least for some time.


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## hopelesslife

not necessarily cheating.find a good time in a romantic atposphere and talk about it.it could be the stress from his work if he has any.but concult the doctor first before you suspect anything.maybe something pathologically wrong with him.


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## amanda1959

Hello Rose, I feel your pain. My husband and I have been married for 25 years with many ups and downs but remain together and work hard. Last year he lost his job and started watching porn and posted pic of himself on dating sites. I found out he met with a man to receive oral sex. I was devasted to say the least and today am still stuggling with him travelling with a male colleage (see bi-curios husband" thread in sex section. It has come to my attention that some men can be married and on the"down low" which means they have sex with their wives and with other men. You have to look for changes in his behaviour. Is he depressed? low self esteem? powerless? shaving genitals or craving new things in the bedroom that don't feel right etc. There are many factors that it could be it is just the last thing on earth I ever imagined would happen to me. As woman we are always looking out for other woman...good luck go to marriage counselling and keep talking!


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## omar77

same with me i don't feel attracted to my wife as in the beginning though i love her but not so attracted i think i like to change


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## guy

Mr B said:


> Men love sexual variety. It is programmed into them. Some can be married and walk the fine line between keeping their sexual interests high by watching porn and also having marital sex. But the need for variety also can cause some men to become sexually bored. And often this has nothing to do with the way the woman looks. The proof of this is the number of celebrity men who are married to great looking women but end up having affairs. Your regular Joe with a mortgage and kids probably won't step outside for sex because he has too much to lose. So internet porn, with it's ease of access and unending variety can cause a bored man to turn away from partner sex and use porn and masturbation as his main sexual outlet. This of course causes the lack of interest in sex with his wife to become amplified because he no longer needs her sexually.


I would agree that boredum can be a problem. I'm getting to a point with my wife where I don't want to have sex with her. We've been together for nearly 15 years, and I've been turned down so many times that I'm tired of trying. We are lucky to have sex once every 3 or 4 weeks. And when we do, it is so routine. She won't try anything new, doesn't like anything adventurous, and seems to get no pleasure from sex. Which this may be part of the problem, but it just sucks the excitement out of me.


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## guy

goincrazy said:


> I'm at my breaking point right now. I was walking around in my bra and cute panties today with my ab muscles showing, and he had no reaction. We also get along pretty well, but the intimacy is just absent. I get hit on quite a bit at my job, and I'm seriously tempted. What do you men think? I'm not sure what else to do.



I think I'm on the same side as you, just in the oposite direction. I'd love it if my wife actually showed some type of sexuality. She doesn't wear anything sexy, doesn't try anything adventurous, and doesn't notice when I do. For me though, it's getting to a point where I don't even want to try.


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## citizen56

99.99% of the reason is low testosterone. I take testosterone for a genetic condition. When I'm off of it, I could care less about sex. I love my wife and think she's very attractive - I tell her all the time. But when I'm not on the treatment, I just have no sexual desire. I'm on it most of the time now as a preventative for osteoporosis.


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## amanda1959

sorry yes could he be at his buddies for more than football? are there performance issues? does he like to go down on you? happened to me...it is a possibility....


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## MarlonFamilton

Great conversation here! What I think of when I read your story is how curious I am about the cycle of communication between you already. You are going to your partner and expressing a concern about the relationship and he's not willing to open up, be vulnerable and acknowledge you have a need he's not fulfilling. Instead he dismisses you and/or minimizes your arguments. Most likely you won't accept this for very long. You'll feel unimportant (if not already), distant and probably resentful. When he finally wakes up and realizes this is a serious problem, you'll be detached in the relationship.

If and when my wife comes to me and says, "This is really important to me." My ears perk up because I want her's to do the same when I go to her. Being emotionally accessible and responsive is critical to our relationships. Sort of sounds like he's not willing to be open, mostly likely due to a fear he holds. Fear often blocks people from opening up. 

If you can approach him and have a "meta" conversation. Firstly, be a video camera and report what you see without judgment. Say, "I notice that when I approach you about sex, you say it hasn't been that long, you were sick, etc. I end up feeling dismissed and unimportant to you. For me we are not intimate enough and my experience is that you are not initiating intimacy. I want more intimacy from you and am not sure how to get that, but first I want you to be open with me about what's happening for you." I know that's mechanical and sounds like 'therapy-speak', but I thought that might give you ideas...

David Snarch (Passionate Marriage) says something like, the person who wants sex least in the relationship, controls sex in the relationship. When one partner wants sex and the other doesn't, it isn't okay not to have sex.

~Marlon


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## janedoe2010

i'm about to message you - please reply - i am going through something so similar it's scary...i don't know what to do...


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## janedoe2010

I can't figure out how to private message you, but I am going through something so similar...which is the reason i signed up on here. I have been married for 5 years to a wonderful man. Except we have the same issue you are talking about. He is a good man, helpful around the house, faithful, comes home every night, is a fantastic father, etc., etc...he is exactly as you are describing, though. He hardly ever initiates sex, and when he does, it's because he knows i am wanting it. If I never said anything or showed no interest, he would probably be happy to have it once every other month or so. I can't figure it out because I thought all guys wanted it often! I've talked to him and he says he doesn't know why, but he doesn't feel the need for it. I would think that it was me (I have put on a little bit of weight over the last few years, mostly due to childbearing), but he has been like this since before we got married, when I was fit and trim, and looked good. I know he is not cheating on me and in all other ways, he is such a wonderful husband...i'd love to be able to talk to you, as it is not something i feel i can talk to anyone that i know because they all (like you are saying) think we have the perfect marriage and i would never want to make people think badly about him. I just feel like it's to the point where i really need to be able to talk to someone about it...it's hugely affected my self esteem and any confidence i ever had sexually is long gone. my email address is fiveyears2010 at yahoo dot com if you are willing to send a message...thanks


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## cheetahcub

Rose3 said:


> it's been probably at least 2 years.... probably around when we got engaged...


That there...responsibilities has taken heavy burden. His work is much more important now, because he needs to provide. Counseling is great. He should come to terms with the fact that he's not alone, you are his partner. He shoud know that you'll be there through the good and bad. He can share that with you and relax like before the seriousness...


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## Mag

I've been with my guy for 17 years and only now are we getting married and I’m having doubts, our sex-life is none existent and he seems fine with it, like it doesn’t bother him at all, so I’m having to initiate it all the time and for so long now I can’t remember when this started only that now I’m feeling that it’s me.... is it me? Because almost every time, he’ll turn me down saying ‘I’m not in the mood’ so I have to ‘work’ to get what I want and some of the time I'm feeling as though he's forcing himself to do it, and I’m tired of doing all the chasing. There is no problem with 'performance' and there is no way that he is having an affair.


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## dbreadbasket2

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros

I was going to add to this thread as it popped up but noticed a strange odor, like Naphthalene.


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## OOE

Prometheus Pyrphoros said:


> ...noticed a strange odor, like Naphthalene.


Formaldehyde


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## Runs like Dog

My anecdotal experience is that couples who are together for a very long time and then for whatever reason finally decide to marry are asking for trouble.


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## sheeba

I need advise from some one. I've been married almost 7 months to my husband and know him for a year.mine was an arranged marriage.We did not even have sex.even hugging and kiss is done only in bedroom...that too I initiate it. When I bring it up he tell in my home no one hugs and kisses, an excuse.without hug and kiss .......few weeks and it doesn't bother him a bit. Not to sound full of myself but I'm pretty hot! I work out and take care of myself and always doing things to look good for him... It's lead me to wonder if he's cheating and I'm certain he's not.. so what gives? I thought men generally want sex more than women so it hurts .. i feel guilty wen i initiate.......Any advice ...


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## ladybird

Rose3 said:


> I need advise from some men. I've been married almost a year to my husband, we've been together over 5 years. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do I initiate it. When I bring it up he uses being tired from work as an excuse but even on the weekends I'm the one to initiate it. We will go 2-3 weeks without it and it doesn't bother him a bit. Not to sound full of myself but I'm pretty hot! I work out and take care of myself and always doing things to look good for him... It's lead me to wonder if he's cheating but I've done a little investigating and I'm certain he's not.. so what gives? I thought men generally want sex more than women so it hurts my self-esteem to not feel desired by my own husband... I'm starting to feel like going out and getting attention from other guys to lift my self-esteem.. Any advice or insight?


 This is what happened to me..

 I thought my husband was having an affair. He wasn't acting right and my gut told me something was going on, i just wasn't quite sure what it was. I looked for clues on his computer, emails, his cell phone I found absolutely nothing. 

I searched the internet, to see if i couldn't find anything to undelete internet history and files that were deleted from his computer. I found one that i tried and did a deep scan of his computer. It took pretty much half the day. 

I found vast amounts of porn. Every time i left the house or very early in the morning while i was in bed asleep. (I sometimes wish i would have never dug a little deeper, but that is just me) When my gut tells me something is wrong there is something wrong. 

Confronting him on this did no good, he just kept right on doing it. My husband didn't care how i felt about it. Even after many talks about not enough sex. 

Anyway -
This could be what your husband is doing. I am not saying he is but he could be


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## oldgeezer

Rose3 said:


> I need advise from some men. I've been married almost a year to my husband, we've been together over 5 years. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do I initiate it. When I bring it up he uses being tired from work as an excuse but even on the weekends I'm the one to initiate it. We will go 2-3 weeks without it and it doesn't bother him a bit. Not to sound full of myself but I'm pretty hot! I work out and take care of myself and always doing things to look good for him... It's lead me to wonder if he's cheating but I've done a little investigating and I'm certain he's not.. so what gives? I thought men generally want sex more than women so it hurts my self-esteem to not feel desired by my own husband... I'm starting to feel like going out and getting attention from other guys to lift my self-esteem.. Any advice or insight?


I apparently have a genetic disposition to OSA (obstructive apnea), and it's lead to a lot of lack of sleep. It got much worse in my mid 40's and about 2 years ago, my wife swore it was very bad. Anyway, it did result in a lot of chronic fatigue, tiredness, and severe lack of energy. I now use a CPAP, which completely eliminated all my apnea issues. Took about 6 months and I started waking up "normal" again, which meant, mast raised at full salute, every day. Amazing how that worked. 

Hindsight kinda showed me that I turned to porn a lot, because, quite simply, I had nowhere near the energy, both mental and physical, to get her off and then me (almost always has been this way, she gets the big O, but lately I was too tired to finish). It was just immensely easier, both mentally and physically, to just get off quick while not needing to exert much. 

Since she was not really interested and was angry all the time, it was just a lot easier to take care of business myself every week or so. I didn't have to face her and her angry outbursts if I lost it too fast or something, either. 

Seriously, she knew almost nothing about what I was doing. I only did it when she was gone, generally, and when I was alone. I really only got interested in doing that at all, when she was gone for 3-4 months at a time. 

I"m not implying anything about you at all, here. Just pointing out MY unwitting behavior and some clues about how I got to where I did. Perhaps some of the things I found out about myself may apply to him.


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## becky87

I AM IN THE SAME BOAT REALLY, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS AND HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE FOR 4 OF THOSE BUT IN THE LAST 12MONTHS ITS BEEN AWFUL. WE HAD A MISCARRIAGE ABOUT THAT TIME AND WE DID NOT DEAL WITH IT WELL PRETTY MUCH IGNORE IT. THINGS HAVE GOT SO BAD 3MONTHS WITH NOTHING AND I SAID I COULDNT TAKE IT ANYMORE AND i was breaking up with his. He beg me not to and final talked and was honest that since the miscarriage he has not been sexually attractive to me, as sole heartbreaking as this is he wants us to work things out. I dont know how if he is not attracted to me any more can this come back we have agreed to go to councelling. I just worried that if he not attracted to me now can he ever we had a great relationship and love each other so much and no he is not cheating. CAN ANY MEN GIVE ME THERE OPINION CAN YOU JUST GO OFF YOUR WIFE HE SAYS HE LOOKS AT ME AND THINKS IM PRETTY BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE SEX HE DOESNT FEEL IT ANY MORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HOLDING HIM BACK IF CANT ENJOY NORMAL SEX LIFE. Im will to do anything to improve things but just need help like id dress up and open to anything he every suggested in the past.


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## 41362

becky87 said:


> I AM IN THE SAME BOAT REALLY, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS AND HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE FOR 4 OF THOSE BUT IN THE LAST 12MONTHS ITS BEEN AWFUL. WE HAD A MISCARRIAGE ABOUT THAT TIME AND WE DID NOT DEAL WITH IT WELL PRETTY MUCH IGNORE IT. THINGS HAVE GOT SO BAD 3MONTHS WITH NOTHING AND I SAID I COULDNT TAKE IT ANYMORE AND i was breaking up with his. He beg me not to and final talked and was honest that since the miscarriage he has not been sexually attractive to me, as sole heartbreaking as this is he wants us to work things out. I dont know how if he is not attracted to me any more can this come back we have agreed to go to councelling. I just worried that if he not attracted to me now can he ever we had a great relationship and love each other so much and no he is not cheating. CAN ANY MEN GIVE ME THERE OPINION CAN YOU JUST GO OFF YOUR WIFE HE SAYS HE LOOKS AT ME AND THINKS IM PRETTY BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE SEX HE DOESNT FEEL IT ANY MORE. I DONT WANT TO BE HOLDING HIM BACK IF CANT ENJOY NORMAL SEX LIFE. Im will to do anything to improve things but just need help like id dress up and open to anything he every suggested in the past.


A miscarriage can be devestating. You admitted that neither of you handled it well. He is terrified of it happening again.


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## natty04

My husband has very little desire for sex. I find it extremely annoying and I don't know how long I can accept this as normal. We get along well and argue rarely. He sleeps on the couch at least three nights a week. I don't think he is having an affair.


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## I Notice The Details

In very general terms, I think women ultimately want to be romanced to feel loved, and men want sex to feel loved. Long term couples need variety so they don't end up in a rut. I love it when my wife surprises me by wearing some provocative lingerie for no reason but to grab my attention. Likewise, my wife loves it when I bring her flowers or give her passionate love notes for no reason. It is the little things that keep the spark alive, and these "little things" take effort from both spouses.

I also think that communication is so important in any relationship. My wife knows exactly what sexy things drive me crazy as a man, because I have told her. Likewise, she has communicated the actions and things that make her feel cherished and loved. Many coulples have never had these kinds of conversations....yet they just assume that their loving spouse will magically spring into action and show them what they are wanting and needing....Remember, none of us can read each other's minds, so communication, effort, and passion are all important. 

Just my two cents.


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## DesertRat1978

This one is strange to me. Only a year into it and he has lost interest in you. I would ask you; 1. Was his libido normal prior to getting married 2. Does he get enough sleep and 3. Does he masturbate


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