# loneliness?\ how to cope with that\ problems with memory..



## pacucman (May 24, 2013)

Hey,
I 'm now writting this post here, largely because of the experiences I had, or should I say, didn't have.

Well, I'll say it right away- I've been sort of looking for a girlfriend for a couple of years; since 2008; I'm now 22; I know that there's nothing wrong in not having a stable relationship at this age; I even don't want sth as people generally associate with love\relationship.... TO be honest, .... to be honest, I've came to a conclusion that people act completely emotionally, completely like animals; No matter what do they say; no matter how proud they may be of their marriages\ sacraments of marriage or those other bull****s.... ( I came a long way, from being an atheist, through the period of wondering about that subject ( but it never really seemed logical to me- to believe in allmighty god... finally ending with a view that religion itself is a bull****; likewise all the sacraments of marriage..... I just don't buy that stuff.
Ok, having said that --> what's my problem? - Well, it's a sort of longing for a relationship; for a girl who would have cared for me, who would have asked me how do I feel.... The one with whom I would have been able to go out, and dunno, go to a movie, eat a dinner; ride a bike, go jogging, go making some photos; to talk about books\mine\herinterests.... to become INSPIRED, to gain motivation.... (you are probably aware of what I'm describing). 

And obviously there are thousands of people like me.... 


I just can't buy it; that to some people, everything just miraculously happen.... that they somehow devote less time for studying, get better marks in their Universities.... have fun all the time.... and that I'm continually trying to achieve my goals.... and continually achieve less than I strived for....

(I know that I had an accident, lost memory (.....) , and that my brain' power may never fully recover (in logical\abstract\mathematical thinking); but I just don't want to acept that. I want to finish these studies; and go to economics.... to achievethe dream of my life, to become an economist; analyse international economic relations.... that staff. 

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And then, there comes another sort of world... another sort of longing... of goals???? But how can I call sth based upon sex drive, as a major definite purpose in life??? That's nonsense, ridiculous, madness!!! That would have meant that humans cannot abandon their instincts.....

So, let's assume, they cannot do so.... There are signs coming from everywhere around me that humans act in this primitive sort of way.... It seems as if they did, it seems as if more than 90% of my friends had relationships..... well, I know that these can be 20% which are in fact in marriages or sth like that... but still.

It drives me mad that the year after year (after 2009- accident) I try so hard; oftentimes falling asleep at 3 a.m. because of studying.... and then it turns out that: I failed the exam; I feel exhausted.... and I see other people passing exam effortlessly, and, what's more important; when I had been forcing myself to coming back to work, back to work (studying ofcourse) . .... they go to parties, go to real work.... eh,


I now realize that I don't have a clear question to ask here; and that probably all that I'm looking for is the opportunity to share my thoughts with someone. ;( cos I would hate to admit to other people that I'm depressed... I even hate to admit it to myself,,,, AM I at all? Shall I be???

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But let's leave even that staff. Who cares. 

who cares..... who cares --> that's the prevailing theme that's been occupying my mind recently. Who cares at all? People come, and people go away.... they pretend to are; but they don't; even if they are your best friend- all that occupy their minds are their own problems, their own live events .... they my even neglect our problems.... There's much more that I can write.... but is there any sense in doing so??? 

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So let's move to the part that's occupying my mind continually; .... well, not all the time; let me describe it:

That 2008 event about which I've already mentioned - I was 17 at that time; pretty childish, as all the boys at that age....
And then, while being on a summer camp in Tunisia,I met an interesting? girl.. Well, she seemed to be interesting. SHe seemed to be more intelligent and wise than I was... She was 1,5 year older..... ANd her personality; her way of living impressed me..... A LOT :scratchhead: 
So I tried my best; well, to become her friend first; I've spent 2 whole weeks accompanying her; well, of course not so madly as one may think; I never said anything about my emotions; nor gave a sexual gesture..... And that was probably a mistake.... probably, cos at that time I didn't have this knowledge that I have now......

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Ok, but let's assume that what had happened is over; no returning back to the past.... (I can write a book about it after loosing memory... but it may be boring); 
let's assume that she never existed... that she was the 'figment of my imagination' (...); You know what, I've tried so hard to forget those events... to get rid of the stupid, irrational thought like: "Look Karol what You've lost.... That girl..... that beautiful, intelligent and calm girl was at your fingertips ...." and I see the idealised image.... the creation of my imagination... affected by the accident... and by the previous experiences..... that... that it was probably the first girl I really liked...


ok, what then? - 
At the present moment, I'm working madly all the time; every day, no matter if weekend\holiday\whatever... I'm trying to be at least as good as others... to pass all the exams.... to find a job and to earn some money during the holidays; to go somewhere then..... 

And here arise the influx of those same thoughts, I've alrady described - When thinking about what I would like to do in summer, let say, to spend one or two weeks travelling around Europe; at best, to Italy\ or Spain.... there arise the issue of money -->I mean, I want to earn money, as not to decrease my savings, and as to be at least partly independent from parents' support.... and the issue with job is as it is... not promising;


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Ok, I wrote all of this, NOT to initiate ad-judgments about what shall I do, and what shall I not do... though it might have been helpful; 
My only question is - Am I too ambitious?? Shall I settle for less? I hate this thought, I hate even daring to thing this bull****....cos I AM CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING ANYTHING I WANT IN LIVE ..... but 

but 

I don't know ..... but there's no one; no single individual who would have encouraged me\motivated me\console me at the moments of a silent cry of despair... Can I call it whis way? I doubt it\ I'm no longer considering suicide at all; (I did so in 2009, after loosing my memory)... but not now


Help me guys, console me.... that there's really everything ok with me, cos it freaks me out... I'm nearly 22 years old and I have tears in my eyes now; and hate it; hate being so emotional;and love it at the same time..... I accept myself, and love myself; but I want to achieve more, and that seems as if I were making little or no progress at all.


I'll be really grateful for all your comments and advises.

Thanks a lot for reading this!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Sir, I sense that you are a in state of arrested development...that whatever hope, positive thought, dream, vision, goal that you produce are being wrestled to the ground by doubt, hopelessness, and a belief that everything is pointless.
You know there is a large degree of pointlessness in life...even in the Bible (Ecclesiates), the writer describes how everything is vapor, meaningless, chasing after the wind. That we live how we live, then die...that even our legacies that we solidly build all our lives are forgotten. Such is life.
Such things are inevitable in our future...yet it ain't NOW. Irregardless of whether you think you will win or lose in your future endeavors, life is precious...and needs to be lived to the very last drop...and you need to take those risks of love and learning.
It seems like you are experiencing a lot of regret about the past, a sense of loss of time, opportunity, and a harsh struggle in returning to a sense of hope after your injury. It is hard grieving those losses.
Now you say that no individual has ever really helped you through the despair...GUESS WHAT?...it's no one else's job but yours! Manhood is about standing firm in your dreams and visions, fighting against the tide of doubt, fear, and opposition...creating a wonderful future. Yes, some have it easier than others...but that should make the wins you earn all the more satisfying when you gotta fight for it. It sounds like you are in the middle of the crossroad...and you gotta choose which way you are going to go. No one will choose for you, making it a lonely task...but as you get going, you will find people along the way, making the same journey.


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## pacucman (May 24, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> (...) GUESS WHAT?...it's no one else's job but yours! Manhood is about standing firm in your dreams and visions, fighting against the tide of doubt, fear, and opposition...creating a wonderful future. (...)


 <-- best sentence ever :bounce:

:iagree: 
That's right sir! I thought about it during the last week; and it seems that yeah, no one really cares about us as much as e do.... we create ourselves a sort of illusion, in which it's easier to live. (...) Cos in the present-day world it's impossible to know everything, even from one branch of science.... 

And generally, I like your response A LOT! 

I guess, I'll pursue my goals with a different attitude..... well, a completely different attitude. First of all, why at all shall I care about relationship at my age? 

As we grow up, gain experience, knowledge; and as our brains grow up, we gain new perspectives on the world. Now I can see that my pat behavior was childish, immature. 

And... I realized that some of the concepts\thoughts that we think, are extremely important.... are nothing more, than our chemistry, and instincts.... we see couples being so happy, so delighted, so cheerful... and that's only the instinct..... :scratchhead: Look for example at facebook ( as an object for analysis of human behavior) - why on hell, do so many people add their photos with faked smiles, posed photos... images with someone's children (girls do it notoriously)

So maybe it's the new age culture? who knows; Right after the accident, when I didn't remember anything.... just my parents.... and I saw a silly photo of me and two girls;whom I hardly knew ( for 2 weeks); and with one of whom I felt in love in the past - after the accident, that girl seemed to be one of a few persons whom I recognized; whose face seemed familiar, and friendly; though, I didn't remember her name.... 

I think also that the accident, I experienced; changed my personality so much, that I gave up some of my past goals, that I cam to believe (or other people made me think) that the impact of the accident is irreversible.... even if it is, I shall not accept this thought. I'll do my best to finish bachelor's degree (now, I'm finishing second year); and then, I'll try to switch to economics.... something that really interests me; (while at the same token, forcing me to continuous thinking, so- improving my damaged memory; And guess what? -I'll return to my real goals; I want to be economist some day; so what interests me; and to see as much of the world, as I'll possibly be able to. Of course I fear that it's a challenging path, unsafe, uncertain... in comparison to those friends, who tell me: (when will you finally settle; marriage?); but ... hmm, they will become slaves of their choice; won't travel around the world; ... I'll therefore ask You for advice in 10 years hihi :smthumbup: thanks


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

You know, reading your post reminds me so much of what I was like at 22. Granted, I'm just 29 now, but 7 years is a long time. 

Everything you described? I completely understand. Here's the thing...being young (your early 20's, anyway) can be positively fraught with despair, depression, angst and anxiety. Couple all that with the never-ending question "What's the f***king point??!!" it can be a downright miserable time. 

Your accident sounds AWFUL and I imagine it's been quite the emotional journey to recovery. That said...try not to let it define you. The cool thing about you is, you HAVE goals and ya know what? You CAN achieve them. But, at 22...it's probably not gonna happen tomorrow.

On top of that...everyone wants love. And in the early 20's, a TON of people are in serious relationships, getting married, having babies, etc. My opinion: love happens when you least expect it. Enjoy your life as a single man, it probably won't last forever. 

Everyone's journey through life is completely different. But your sentiments are echoed by millions of people across the globe. I can tell you when I was 22, I was flat broke, barely graduating college, had zero plans for the future, had casual sex like it was my job and felt completely, utterly alone. Constantly. I believe I got lucky...or blessed, or whatever. Because when I was at my lowest point (mind you, I spent years BELIEVING that I'd never get married..."I'm too selfish, I don't want it, I just wanna be rich and single forever") was when I met my now husband. So, a TON has changed since I was 22, including my perspective. 

Bottom line: It may sound naive, but I truly believe you can get whatever you want in life. Most of the time, our desires don't pan out when we want them to. Then, we get discouraged. Then, we give up. But don't ever, ever give up on your dreams, my friend. (Good lord, I sound like a cheese-ball.) Just know you are absolutely not alone...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

plasmasunn said:


> Bottom line: It may sound naive, but I truly believe you can get whatever you want in life.


You go, boy.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I'm a girl (not that it matters) and at 22, I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do in life. Was in college studying hard but never knowing where my life would take me. 

It's been 15 years and between that time, I went through so much. It felt like I went into a chrysalis and came out a butterfly with my own strong wings in my mid to late 30's.

You sound like a very positive guy who went through/is going through some rough patches in your life. Don't worry about getting a girlfriend, but focus on the qualities in a girl you'd like to one day marry and build a life with. Not sure how I'm helping here. This is a girls's point of view so it might be different for guys.

Anyway, you sound ambitious and you're thinking ahead. I think that's a good start. Just don't give up when you have to walk through more storms. That's just part of life.


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## pacucman (May 24, 2013)

Hey guys! 
At the end of 2013 I met another girl....we're now in relationship; at last!! But I guess that the first love is always the strongest one - isn't it? I mean - I like this girl; I know a lot about her; and that's why she is predictable.... that one wasn't.... well, because she never gave me a chance to get known herself... so here's the question: is it always like that? - I mean - that ince you're in a relationship, that other person becomes as if taken for granted?

And one more question - how can I tell her (in a polite way; and at best, not directly); that she kind of stinks sometimes; and that she's better used a desodorante?


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_And one more question - how can I tell her (in a polite way; and at best, not directly); that she kind of stinks sometimes; and that she's better used a desodorante?_

You can try to be cute and buy her gift basket full of soap's and toiletries.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Hell, I went four and a half years without a date (age 29 to 33 1/2) - now that I'm married, I look back fondly on those days.


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## pacucman (May 24, 2013)

All that stuff ended; She insisted on getting married.... but within 10 years... and "no sex before marriage"; adding to that the fact that she wasn't particularly attractive (not wearing jewerly; wearing strange clothes upside down; and her insistence on having children in the future....); and then, when I realised that she lied to me....; anyway; it's a good option to be single ;P One can attend various parties; meet new people;... My attitide has changed dramatically haha ;D


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## pacucman (May 24, 2013)

Guys, over a year has passed since my last post. And I do have a feeling that nothing really has changed in my life... I went to work abroad for 3 months.... just to return with $1000 debt; I endeavored to finish my BA.... just to get stuck at my faculty for yet another year..... and I used to pursue girls..... but now, I just feel some sort of loneliness; but there aren't any girls worth to spend time with around.... Or, maybe should I write it this way: Whenever I go to a disco; I just don't spot those opportunities.... It comes to this that sometimes I don't even dance with anybody during the entire evening. And it has nothing to do with self confidence.... Well; most of the times when I see some atractive girls; they are already dancing with somebody; and ofc just like in clubs, it's hard to pierce through the crowd. And I feel as if girls didn't do anything even to signal their willingness to talk/dance.... 

A friend of mine recommended me to search for girls online..... but that's just pointless. I did try to use several websites; but nothing ever comes out of that. Not even a meting. Bot even a longer chat.... (which is not what I am looking for).


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