# Don't want to hurt DH like I was hurt the first time



## atyclb (May 13, 2010)

Please bear with me, it might be kind of long but you have to know the background.

4 years ago (still feels like yesterday), my best friend, love of my life, best father in the world to my children, told me our marriage of 20 years was over. I have read some of your stories and they bring me to tears because my pain is so fresh, and I feel yours. I did everything to "change" my ways to please him, then gradually it became clear there was also another woman - which he says had nothing to do with the fact that he fell out of love with me. Regardless, it was the most horrible thing that I have and will probably ever go through.

As I was losing weight, getting counseling, trying to tiptoe around him to do all the right things to not chase him off...I was also trying to investigate his affair, and find out who "she" was. I finally did, but didn't know what to do with the info. Eventually, her husband (they had also been married almost 20 years) found me.

We confirmed and exposed their affair the same night he (the OW's husband) got a hold of me. It was a scene out of movie, in their work parking lot, it got ugly. They made it clear to us that our respective marriages were over.

So... the OW's husband and myself quickly became sounding boards and friends. We had both been through so much pain, that we turned to each other, and before long, we were basically using our attraction for each other to cover up the pain we were feeling from our divorces. In only a few weeks I was sleeping with him, the only other man I'd ever slept with other than my husband.

We married less than 2 years later. I still wasn't through grieving my first loss, and truthfully, he seemed to get over his pretty quick and was thrilled to be married to me.

I have been close to hating myself many, many times for continuing my relationship with him and marrying him. Not only are we COMPLETE opposites in every way you can imagine, but being married to him forces me to always know and be connected to my ex and the OW, who is now his wife (yes, my husband's ex-wife is my ex-husband's wife). We each have kids about the same age, and they switch between the two households (the "swapped" parents) every other week. I don't say it aloud, but I think its just disgusting.

My new husband is a yeller, and a drinker. I never had that before. It's hard to tell him that my ex was a good husband (other than cheating on me, of course) and that I'm not used to that kind of treatment...and it has been getting worse. We've separated several times, and bad fights are the norm. This is finally what I'm getting to.

Two weeks ago, I whispered to him that I thought he'd had too much to drink, and he YELLED at me in the restaurant at the top of his lungs in the presence of our children. He told me to walk home. I took my daughter and left, we got another ride home. At home later, he proceeded to tell me to leave his house and take my daughter with me. He got mildly physical with me, which scared the crap out of me. I didn't leave that night, and I refused to...I wasn't going to take my 8 year old daughter out of bed and leave in the middle of the night just because he was throwing a tantrum about what I said. But I decided enough was enough, and I moved out the next day.

Now, he is crying and apologetic. He has not had a drink (he says) for 7 days. He can't believe he treated me this way. He knows he doesn't deserve me... yada yada yada. He wants me to come back, he is in love with me, he misses me, he wants to be a better man for me.

I have continued the divorce paperwork that I started against him last year, and I have a judgment ready for him to sign and have notarized. I have already put a deposit on an apartment. I am spending more time with my daughter, and there is no more fighting in her presence.

WHY THE HELL IS THIS SO DIFFICULT THEN? I feel SO GUILTY for leaving him, even though HE kicked me out! I know what it feels to lose the person you love, and I don't want to cause that pain for anybody, no matter how much they may "deserve" it. I know I am and never will be in love with him the way I was with my first husband. I remember being in the position of being willing to do ANYTHING to get my spouse back the first time...and now, here is my husband doing the same thing to try to get ME back. 

I guess I am just venting, I don't even know what I'm asking for. I think what I WANT is the strength to go through with the divorce. I jumped right from one relationship to another, and never had any down time between husbands...I think I really should get the divorce. But I am just sick with worry about how much I'm hurting my husband, no matter how unhappy I see myself being with him in the future.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

While I'm really in no place to give advice, I think you're doing the right thing. You don't love him, not the way you should if you're going to stay married to him, and OF COURSE he's sorry. He's lost something good. But you have to think about your happiness and your daughter's. If he's drinking and getting beligerant, there's no need to be around that. The only people that will continue to get hurt is you and your daughter. You rushed into it, that happens. But learn from that. Take the time to finally heal from your first marriage, bond with your daughter and move on with your life. Wish you the best.


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## atyclb (May 13, 2010)

Thanks, yes, I have to keep reminding myself over and over...myself and my daughter. It seems like a no-brainer, putting your kids and yourself first, I never used to understand why women would have such a hard time with such an obvious choice. But when you factor in guilt and loneliness...common sense can go out the window, I guess. I have to just keep writing and keep talking before I let him talk me into going through the same cycle one more time.


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