# Unimportant



## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

Ok, I'm going to post even though I was questioning it. Someone told me that someone may be able to identify with my issue. 
Sorry for the length and if I'm all over the place but I just need to get this out. 

Ok, my issues mirror those of many on here. But I'm going to put it out there. For quite some time now, I've been feeling the sting of a less than affectionate wife. The sex has declined in frequency and quality. We are only physically intimate 2 maybe 3 times a month. Although I can't remember the last time it was 3. When we do make love, it's pretty much me on top, doing my thing. She isn't very responsive. Says she is too tired to try any position other than missionary because she doesn't want to do any work. I absolutely love giving oral, and she even declines this. Normally she takes a shower in the morning so many times she doesn't even want to take a shower before lovemaking. Now don't get me wrong, she's not rancid. But I enjoy the fresh shower smell. She said that she doesn't want to take a shower because it will wake her up and she wants to be able to go to sleep. 

She says that she isn't really turned on by anything at all. She claims that she is still attracted to me and loves me very much, but nothing turns her on. I've asked what I can do to turn her on and she says she doesn't know. 

Many times I'll ask her at some point during the day if we can make love that evening and she will say, "I guess." When we get home I make sure that I do as much as I can so that she her mind won't be pre-occupied. I'll either cook or help with dinner. Put the kids to bed, and then just hang out with her in bed while she watches her favorite show. I have to be up for work at 4AM so when 10:00 or 11:00 comes around, I'll ask if she wants to make love. She'll say, "I'm watching TV." I feel like the television is more important than I am. This also doesn't make sense because we can pause or record TV on the DVR. Usually I just say ok and go to sleep. 

I know that she has alot on her plate. She is a worrisome person by nature and is very pessimistic. I've asked if there is anything that I can do and what she needs from me. She said that she wanted me to spend time with her. So now I sit with her when she is downstairs doing something or I make sure that I'm just around. She said she is very happy when I do this. And actually I like it too. Aside from that, she hasn't alluded to any other things that I need to do. 

We have talked about the sex situation and she said that she has been so busy for so long that she needs to find herself. She has been finding herself for the last several years. Granted she was very busy for a long time. In the last 8 years she has been a full time mom, wife, and employee. She has also gotten her BA and MBA. She has finially wrapped up school and gotten a job that she really likes a few months ago. 

What's baffling to me is that she said she knows that she is not meeting my needs. She said that she is afraid that I will leave her because she isn't meeting them, but then also says that she just can't bring herself to start. 

This is the same way that she was acting when I found out that she was having an EA with some guy from her past. They were texting and calling each other all hours of the night. I think there were somewhere in the neighborhood of 1300 texts over the course of a month. 

I don't believe that this is happening again, but I want to make sure that all the information is out there. She has told me that she sometimes feels insecure. I told her that she is stunningly beautiful and I have no desire to be with anyone else. I love my wife without question. I don't want a woman on the side. If I did, then I'd just drop her off at the bar, go around the corner, and pick her up again. 

I guess in addition to the sex issue, I just feel unimportant. It's not that she doesn't want to have sex, it's more like the TV is more important. My feelings are disregarded and I do not feel valued. 

Sorry for the long post.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

(((hugs))) No real advice, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I'm going through a lot of the same issues. And I can certainly understand how you feel about not feeling important enough. 

I think that is one of the big things that hurts more than the lack of sex. The fact that your spouse does not see your need and saving the marriage as important enough for them to spend time on.


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

Thank you sailorgirl. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being overly sensitive, but then I think about it and realize that I'm just ignoring my needs. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to her either. It's just that we have been talking about it, but have made very little progress. She acknowledges that she has a problem, but said she doesn't want me to help. I'm just frustrated and hurt.


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## housefullofmen (Jul 9, 2010)

I can totally identify with your wife in almost every way. I felt that way for a long time, it sounds to me she is suffering from depression. Have you ever seen those Cymbalta commercials? She is truly trying to find something to enjoy, and if it is depression, it is a long hard road to go down. Nothing is satisfying, hobbies, tv (because the shows end), sex....

I know when I would ignore my husbands sexual advances, I was feeling that I didn't want to feel like a failure at yet another venture. Truth be told you don't actually have to fail at anything, but you feel like you have. I also didn't want to give him a half-hearted attempt and then him feel bad about his performance because I didn't enjoy it. When it was always me, never him that was the problem. My husband is the best lover I have ever had, sex was always good. But when I was really down, I didn't even want to try, I truly did not want to hurt his feelings. I would rather him be angry with me than hurt by me. I wanted to be an active happy participant in love making, not simply there allowing him to make love TO me.

I commend you on your patience, you are making a truly self sacrificing attempt to help your wife. It is very aggravating, on both ends. She may need to see her doctor, even if she is suffering from depression, and on the right meds, it takes weeks to feel any better. Even on meds, I didn't have a healthy sex drive, but when I said yes to the husband, I enjoyed every bit of it...I wasn't just going through the motions. I hope I helped a little bit...


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

I had wondered if she may be depressed, but I wan't sure. I've never been exposed to it so I don't know how to recognize it. I feel like I'm unattractive and am really confused as to why she would feel that way. I'm not a model, but I think I'm a handsome guy. The same things that I used to do to turn her on just don't seem to work anymore. Actually nothing works. 

I still wondering if it is something that I am or am not doing. Am I in denial? I just want to be a good husband and if it means taking some tough steps and giving up some wants to get needs, I'm ok with that. 

And you did help HFOM. It's because of you that I even mustered up the strength to make this post. 
Thank You.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Emotional space is maybe as important as anything in a marriage. 

Do you transmit more love at her than she does at you? Have you ever tried simply reducing the quantity of love you project at her? Stop saying ILY first, hugging her first, telling her she is hot, beautiful etc. Stop asking her to spend time with you. LET HER COME TO YOU. In the meantime when you are together - lighten up. Be fun, playful. Keep it light and stop talking about how you feel. 

She isn't going to come to you quickly. She has likely felt crowded for a while. Drop your expectations of her to zero and then don't over react when she acts in a loving way. When she wants a hug - give it to her. When she says ILY - say it back or say "I am glad" with a smile. 

Spend less time at home - more at the gym, with your friends. Stop reacting strongly to everything she says/does. 

This does not mean being unhelpful. Do your share around the house etc. But don't do it in front of her. 

Being "overly focused" on someone can kill their desire.



AmorousWarrior said:


> I had wondered if she may be depressed, but I wan't sure. I've never been exposed to it so I don't know how to recognize it. I feel like I'm unattractive and am really confused as to why she would feel that way. I'm not a model, but I think I'm a handsome guy. The same things that I used to do to turn her on just don't seem to work anymore. Actually nothing works.
> 
> I still wondering if it is something that I am or am not doing. Am I in denial? I just want to be a good husband and if it means taking some tough steps and giving up some wants to get needs, I'm ok with that.
> 
> ...


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

I was thinking of that this morning. And it's funny you mention it because it seems like when I don't go out of my way to tell her I love her or hug her from behind when she isn't expecting it, she asks what's wrong. 
You're right. I have tried to do those things in the past and she does come to me, but it's very difficult. I feel like I'm not being true to myself. I'm very touchy and affectionate. She's just not that type of person and it's very hurtful when she doesn't reciprocate. 

I will say that sometimes I think that my moods are driven too much on how she is. I seem to react to everything. Maybe if my emotions were less dynamic then she would meet me. Right now it's like 80/20.


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## housefullofmen (Jul 9, 2010)

While I do agree that she may feel a bit crowded, don't go cold turkey on the withdrawing of affection. IF she indeed is depressed, doing so will cause her to go further in, she will withdraw completely. 

The attention I still had while at my lowest kept me from going completely downhill. My husband was fully briefed on my illness before we ever married, and he married me "in sickness and in health". He understood it, but, he was still just as frustrated that I couldn't just SNAP out of it. In my experience men like to fix things, he just didn't have the tools to fix me.... I had to do that myself with the help of doctors of course.

You should really consider therapy, it will bring any mental health issues to light, and help the both of you understand each other better.


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

I don't think that I could go cold turkey but I'm going to tone it down. She never said that she felt smothered, but seems to respond when I just don't pay as much attention to her. You're right about men being fixers. I know that I'm definately one and it's frustrating to me when I can't fix her issues. I definately feel that I'm her protector and when I can't do that it's tough. 
We had talked about therapy before but she didn't want me to go with her. She went on her own for awhile and she said that it seemed to help a bit. She said that she has alot of past issues to work through and has declined my help in the past. A couple of months ago I mentioned helping her to find what would be a new hobby or something to relax, and she snapped at me and didn't want my help.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Be true to your nature all you want. The thing is - MOST women want a man who is:
- In control of his emotions - and FOR SURE in control of the emotions he shows
- Not needy - if you ease up on the hugs and all that and she asks what is wrong just tell her that everything is fine - if she wants a hug you are happy to give her one. 
- Stop with the massages, and all the kissing and stuff if you are doing that. It is NOT turning her on. 
- If she wants a massage offer to share one - she does you and then you do her. 

Total emotional transparency with your wife sounds like a great idea. It actually works very badly. I don't lie to my W. If she asks a question that I am willing to answer I answer it. If I don't think it is a great idea to answer I just shrug - which is my polite way of acknowledging that she has spoken, while choosing not to respond. 

If you keep pouring all this love into someone who isn't giving it back, you will drain yourself of life force. 

I have a happy marriage and a great sex life. That said when my W walks in the door and she is radiating happiness I walk over and give her a hug - she loves that. If she walks in tense and upset I ask her "are you ok?" I listen - I listen - when she finishes I do "NOT" problem solve I simply say "sorry you had such a bad day" and then "anything I can do to help?"

This is what works for her. It has nothing to do with what I want to do or say. It would be bad for our marriage if I walked up and gave her a hug when she first walked in upset. When upset she wants/needs space. 

Ultimately this is all part of being a good partner. And yes it is also true that if my W did not crawl into bed most nights wanting a be a good partner to ME, we would have a very different marriage.



AmorousWarrior said:


> I don't think that I could go cold turkey but I'm going to tone it down. She never said that she felt smothered, but seems to respond when I just don't pay as much attention to her. You're right about men being fixers. I know that I'm definately one and it's frustrating to me when I can't fix her issues. I definately feel that I'm her protector and when I can't do that it's tough.
> We had talked about therapy before but she didn't want me to go with her. She went on her own for awhile and she said that it seemed to help a bit. She said that she has alot of past issues to work through and has declined my help in the past. A couple of months ago I mentioned helping her to find what would be a new hobby or something to relax, and she snapped at me and didn't want my help.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

AmorousWarrior said:


> I don't want a woman on the side. If I did, then I'd just drop her off at the bar, go around the corner, and pick her up again.


That is one of the sweetest things I ever heard.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When she talks about being insecure about you leaving - you are far better to say "you need to stop worrying and start taking the actions that bond a couple together - I am not happy with how you are treating me". Be calm but be firm.

Love is great - nothing better when it is RETURNED - nothing worse when it is IGNORED.




AmorousWarrior said:


> Ok, I'm going to post even though I was questioning it. Someone told me that someone may be able to identify with my issue.
> Sorry for the length and if I'm all over the place but I just need to get this out.
> 
> Ok, my issues mirror those of many on here. But I'm going to put it out there. For quite some time now, I've been feeling the sting of a less than affectionate wife. The sex has declined in frequency and quality. We are only physically intimate 2 maybe 3 times a month. Although I can't remember the last time it was 3. When we do make love, it's pretty much me on top, doing my thing. She isn't very responsive. Says she is too tired to try any position other than missionary because she doesn't want to do any work. I absolutely love giving oral, and she even declines this. Normally she takes a shower in the morning so many times she doesn't even want to take a shower before lovemaking. Now don't get me wrong, she's not rancid. But I enjoy the fresh shower smell. She said that she doesn't want to take a shower because it will wake her up and she wants to be able to go to sleep.
> ...


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> That is one of the sweetest things I ever heard.


Thanks Susan. My feeling is that the only boundaries in the bedroom, or out for this matter, are what you and your mate decide.


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> When she talks about being insecure about you leaving - you are far better to say "you need to stop worrying and start taking the actions that bond a couple together - I am not happy with how you are treating me". Be calm but be firm.
> 
> Love is great - nothing better when it is RETURNED - nothing worse when it is IGNORED.


You're very right.


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

Well yesterday I took the 5 Love Languages quiz and guess what? My language is Physical Touch. Big surprise huh? lol. The maximum you can score for a language is 12. 
After taking the test I emailed it to my wife. I've copied and pasted the email below. The bold is my original email and the italics are her response. I've removed our names and email addresses to protect the innocent. lol. 





_Here are my scores:
12 Acts of Service
9 Quality Time
5 Words of Affirmation
2 Receiving Gifts
2 Physical Touch


We don't speak the same love language which might explain why we are off sometimes._


*On Jul 10, 2010, at 12:48 PM, wrote:


I just thought that you may want to take the assessment and see how you score. Then let me know what your scores are and maybe it will help me to be a better husband. 

The 5 Love Languagesâ„¢ | Five Love Languages

Here are my scores: 
Physical Touch 10
Words of Affirmation 7
Quality Time 6
Receiving Gifts 5
Acts of Service 2
*

This really helped me understand how important she feels it is when I do things for her. We had family over, but had a short time to talk about it last night. She is the one who actually brought it up. She said, "Did you get my email?" and I replied that I had. We both acknowledged that neither of us realized how much we needed these things. 
I've decided to make a concious effort to show her I love her with the things that I do. I'm hoping that my acts will "make a deposit" in her bank and I'll see some return on my investment. I can't change how she is acting toward me, but I can change how I react and what I do. In the end, she will never be able to say I didn't put forth effort and seek out ways to improve our relationship. 

I'll keep you posted on how it all is working out.


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## housefullofmen (Jul 9, 2010)

This is great!! I am going to forward this to my H after I do some investigating.....


I am so glad you found a tool to help you in your relationship! I can't wait to hear updates!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Wow, glad you took the quizzes and are talking and working on each others needs. If you think she may need something to help get her up and make her happy, can I suggest going to the gym together? Nothing hotter than working out with my H and then going home, taking a shower and well.....you know the rest


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

Well we had a chance to talk this past weekend. It started out as an arguement, naturally. Without going into too much about the arguement, she said, "I don't know how we are going to make it" and I told her, "Neither do I. I'm struggling with trying to stay in this marriage." Well she was talking about something else so my comment came as a shock to her. 

After that I ended up sleeping in the den after falling asleep watching TV. We had to go out of town on Friday night for the weekend and it was a tough trip. Having to handle business and try to overlook our glaring issues was very difficult. We talked for a bit over the weekend. I told her that a divorce is definately not what I wanted and decided that we would talk more on Sunday. 

Now Sunday came around and we had a chance to really get some things out. It basically came down to us both having to understand where the other one was coming from. I'll try to explain it as best as I can: 

I felt like she was unresponsive and unloving. She didn't do anything that she used to do. Sex was boring, she didn't initiate and never seemed to enjoy it. 

For quite some time, I had a job that took me out of town for days at a time. She said that I didn't do the things for her that I used to do. Obviously it's harder to do things from over 100 miles away, but she felt like I wasn't making an effort even when I wanted to come home. So this turned her off. She felt like she was running the house when I wasn't home and when I got home and tried to do things, I was more in the way than helpful because she had an established routine. 

For me, sex is not a primarily physical act. It's definately more of a way for me to express my emotional attachment to my wife. It is the ultimate expression of my love and I feel very connected when we are intimate. I had to explain to her in great detail how she actually makes me feel. Once I did this, she understood why it was so important to me. She said that she thought that I was just always aroused and needed the physical release. So here I am, trying to have sex with my wife because it's like saying, "I love you." and she is thinking that I just want to get off. 

So she would do it devoid of emotion and hardly participate. Thinking it didn't matter because all I wanted was the physical act. Then I'm thinking that she isn't in love with me because she isn't doing much other than laying there. This has been going on for several years.

I'm so glad that we were able to talk this out and for once actually find the root of the problem. We have talked before about what we thought was the root of the problem, but I really feel like we have made significant progress. I have also put forth effort to change what I do and be more aware of the way that my actions are interpreted. I told her that I'd like for us to be able to talk more. She wants me to be more open but I don't like it when she is busy doing other things but wants me to open up to her. We decided that we are going to have a conversation a couple of times a week. That means, kids in bed, television off, and sitting down together. 

It's done well for the last few days so hopefully it will continue. Sorry for the long post, but I'm very pleased right now.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

AmorousWarrior said:


> Ok, I'm going to post even though I was questioning it. Someone told me that someone may be able to identify with my issue.
> Sorry for the length and if I'm all over the place but I just need to get this out.
> 
> Ok, my issues mirror those of many on here. But I'm going to put it out there. For quite some time now, I've been feeling the sting of a less than affectionate wife. The sex has declined in frequency and quality. We are only physically intimate 2 maybe 3 times a month. Although I can't remember the last time it was 3. When we do make love, it's pretty much me on top, doing my thing. She isn't very responsive. Says she is too tired to try any position other than missionary because she doesn't want to do any work. I absolutely love giving oral, and she even declines this. Normally she takes a shower in the morning so many times she doesn't even want to take a shower before lovemaking. Now don't get me wrong, she's not rancid. But I enjoy the fresh shower smell. She said that she doesn't want to take a shower because it will wake her up and she wants to be able to go to sleep.
> ...


Did you marry my wife???

Six years ago I could have written this. Our marriage was on the verge of collapse. I was the one showing the love in the marriage, doing things, small gifts, flowers, etc... and was getting nothing in return.

She tried to explain why it was but it didn't register with me and that was the problem. I never listened to her. yeah, I heard what she said but it never sunk in.

it wasn't until we went to a marriage counselor that I began to understand that our communications had broken down. Yes, part of it was my fault for not listening and part of it was that most of our conversations were ***** sessions about me (and who really wants to listen to those?)

In the end, we realized that I needed to listen and she needed to show more affection. When we started to do this, a lot of other parts of our marriage, including sexual activity, became much better.


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