# I just met two guys I had a fling with in the past



## SueLL

Hi everybody. I'm not married (yet) but I hope to be with the man I'm now with. We've been together for almost 14 months and for the first time in my life I'm in a relationship that is great and I think I have finally found my soul mate.

So here's where I would like some advice please.

I have always been what I guess would be called a good girl. About two years ago I sort of changed and had a wild phase for a bit. That ended completely when I met my now very serious boyfriend.

This past weekend we were at some friends' party with many other people. I recognized two guys. They were guys I slept with during that phase. I think they recognized me (but I'm not positive) even though they didn't say anything.

So my question is, should I tell my boyfriend about it? I thought about keeping quiet but I don't want to be in an awkward situation later on if we see these guys again and they say something.

My man doesn't know about my wild phase. I've only told him about other relationships that I've had in my life. So what is the best thing for me to do here? Thanks a lot for your help.


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## bandit.45

What was so wild about it? What did you do?


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## kristinafoxcroft

I would keep it to myself. It was a little phase you went through and that you are past.
The guys will probably not say anything about it, so the odds of an awkward situation arising a low.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SueLL

bandit.45 said:


> What was so wild about it? What did you do?


It's just that it's so not me and embarrassing really. 

I met one of the guys and we got intimate really quickly. He introduced me to his friend and the three of us got intimate together which is soooooo completely not me!


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## Idyit

You could keep it to yourself and consider it not his business. The likelihood is that he will never meet them or learn of your wild phase.

Or you could tell him and allow him to know all of you, accept you and really love all of you.

~ Passio


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## TX-SC

I would tell him. Many here advocate that the past is the past and should be left in the past. However, given that it MAY come up and since honesty is important, you should probably tell him yourself. It'll be easier if you tell him than it being mentioned in passing by some guys you had a threesome with.


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## tripod

I don't have an answer for you, but I'd suggest you read the very very long thread titled: "she did it with others but won't with me." 

Will this be your hubby in a couple years? Will he wonder why you hid the "wild side" and didn't tell him. Will it lead to distrust? 

I'm the hubby in this situation. I'm getting plain vanilla when in the past she's offered up a full-on chocolate Sunday with cherries and sprinkles on top. And, no she didn't actually tell me. After knowing each other 10 years and married for five, it just slipped out in a discussion about something unrelated. 

Try to consider it from his viewpoint. If you know him well enough to marry him, you'll know him well enough to know what he'd think about a lie of omission.


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## SueLL

Idyit said:


> You could keep it to yourself and consider it not his business. The likelihood is that he will never meet them or learn of your wild phase.
> 
> Or you could tell him and allow him to know all of you, accept you and really love all of you.
> 
> ~ Passio


The thing is that even though those two guys are not our friends or in our immediate social circle, he does know them sort of tangentially. So we could run into them again. And the first guy is a bit of a jerk so he might tell stories. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. It's just that my guy doesn't know about that time before him and would probably not be thrilled


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## KillerClown

I've know a lot of wild girls in my youth but I can't say I've known any girl who had a 3 some. 

I think your BF needs to hear it from you rather from the two guys who DP'd you. You may not remember it that way. But that's the way the guys will tell it and you BF will picture it in his mind in the worst way possible.


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## BetrayedDad

SueLL said:


> This past weekend we were at some friends' party with many other people. I recognized two guys. They were guys I slept with during that phase. I think they recognized me (but I'm not positive) even though they didn't say anything.





SueLL said:


> He introduced me to his friend and the three of us got intimate together which is soooooo completely not me!


I'm pretty sure they would recognize the girl they double teamed. I doubt it happens all the time.

Spider senses tingling......


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## WorkingOnMe

Are you pretty conservative with your bf? Say 'no' a lot?


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## NobodySpecial

KillerClown said:


> I've know a lot of wild girls in my youth but I can't say I've known any girl who had a 3 some.
> 
> I think your BF needs to hear it from you rather from the two guys who DP'd you. You may not remember it that way. But that's the way the guys will tell it and you BF will picture it in his mind in the worst way possible.


OP did not say ANYTHING about dp. Good god.


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## BetrayedDad

NobodySpecial said:


> OP did not say ANYTHING about dp. Good god.


Does it REALLY make a difference if it was the same orifice or two different ones?


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## SueLL

KillerClown said:


> I've know a lot of wild girls in my youth but I can't say I've known any girl who had a 3 some.
> 
> I think your BF needs to hear it from you rather from the two guys who DP'd you. You may not remember it that way. But that's the way the guys will tell it and you BF will picture it in his mind in the worst way possible.


So how would i tell him so that he doesn't picture it like you say in the worst way possible?


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## BetrayedDad

SueLL said:


> So how would i tell him so that he doesn't picture it like you say in the worst way possible?


Tell him you slept those guys, just thought you should know. I'd omit the "at the same time" part.


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## SueLL

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm pretty sure they would recognize the girl they double teamed. I doubt it happens all the time.
> 
> Spider senses tingling......


I know it doesn't happen all the time and that's exactly why i'm scared that they did recognize me


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## BetrayedDad

SueLL said:


> I know it doesn't happen all the time and that's exactly why i'm scared that they did recognize me


Yeah well they did and if you run in the same social circles, and will continue to bump into these dudes, better he hears about it from you then from someone else.

Guys brag about sexual exploits. ESPECIALLY stuff like that.....


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## TAM2013

SueLL said:


> So how would i tell him so that he doesn't picture it like you say in the worst way possible?


You can't. You made your own bed. Lay in it. Or lie in your LTR's. Good luck with that.


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## SueLL

WorkingOnMe said:


> Are you pretty conservative with your bf? Say 'no' a lot?


No, I for sure do not say no to my guy. Why would I?! We're just fine in bed without going all crazy stupid. And when I did go stupid with those guys it was completely out of character for me. So if I tell my guy he'd be shocked so that's why I thought to keep quiet. But if one of the guys talks it would be worse I guess


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## TX-SC

SueLL said:


> So how would i tell him so that he doesn't picture it like you say in the worst way possible?


Just be truthful. Tell him you like him a lot and don't want there to be any potentially harmful secrets between you. You don't have to go into any great detail. Just tell him what you told us. If he asks questions, answer them. 

I dated a divorced lady (mid 20s) who told me she had a threesome with her husband and another guy. She was honest and said it was fun at the time but it made her feel kind of used when it was done. It was much better to hear it from her than to find out some other way. I had no issue with it since I would have done a threesome myself if given the opportunity. It would be kind of weird to fault her for doing exactly what I would have done.


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## NobodySpecial

Tell him. Be completely honest about the whole thing as well as how you feel about it now. If this is going to be a problem, you want to know now, not 10 years from now. Also, you don't want to have to worry about it for the rest of your lives.


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## GuyInColorado

Tell him. It's going to crush him but he'll get over it. I hate thinking about my current G/F's ex lovers, but it's the fact of life.


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## EleGirl

I just removed the thread jack that included name calling of the OP. Please address the OP's concerns instead.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## EleGirl

You need to tell him since these guys are going to show up from time to time. But brace yourself because some guys apparently cannot handle this kind of thing.


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## NobodySpecial

EleGirl said:


> You need to tell him since these guys are going to show up from time to time. Be brace yourself because


*SOME *


> of guys apparently cannot handle this kind of thing.


OP lots of guys on here have attitudes that do not reflect my reality at all. If you man is anything like my husband, he will say "Oh", and that will be that. Don't let the guys on here freak you out.


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## jb02157

Has he shared his past with you?


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## BetrayedDad

Freaks me out. Not ashamed to admit it. Deal breaker for me, sorry. Everyone has different standards.


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## zzzman99

EleGirl said:


> You need to tell him since these guys are going to show up from time to time. Be brace yourself because of guys apparently cannot handle this kind of thing.



Some can, some can't. That is for them to say. Why is that an issue for you?


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## bandit.45

SueLL said:


> It's just that it's so not me and embarrassing really.
> 
> I met one of the guys and we got intimate really quickly. He introduced me to his friend and the three of us got intimate together which is soooooo completely not me!


Oh, so it wasn't the volume of sex, just the "type" of sex...

Yeah, it could be a problem down the road if you and your boyfriend/fiancee decide your marriage will be a monogamous one. 

Do you desire a monogamous marriage, or would you be open to swinging/swapping/poly....?


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## SueLL

bandit.45 said:


> Oh, so it wasn't the volume of sex, just the "type" of sex...
> 
> Yeah, it could be a problem down the road if you and your boyfriend/fiancee decide your marriage will be a monogamous one.
> 
> Do you desire a monogamous marriage, or would you be open to swinging/swapping/poly....?


No, I absolutely want a monogamous relationship. Period. None of that stuff you mentioned. With the guys at the party, it's that one of them met me during my stupid phase and we got intimate right away and he sweet talked me into a threesome with is friend. That is just so not me and it would never ever happen again. Period.


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## bandit.45

Sue, before you make a decision, pack a lunch and read this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/151474-you-did-other-men-but-not-me.html


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## TX-SC

bandit.45 said:


> Sue, before you make a decision, pack a lunch and read this thread:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/151474-you-did-other-men-but-not-me.html


Totally different concept. That thread is about what women have done in the past but won't for their spouse. I doubt her BF wants her to bang his friend in a threesome.


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## bandit.45

TX-SC said:


> Totally different concept. That thread is about what women have done in the past but won't for their spouse. I doubt her BF wants her to bang his friend in a threesome.


She needs to be aware of how many men think.


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## BetrayedDad

SueLL said:


> he sweet talked me into a threesome with is friend.


Any chance you could enlighten us on his sales pitch?

Incredibly curious how THAT conversation went....


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## See_Listen_Love

SueLL said:


> So my question is, should I tell my boyfriend about it? I thought about keeping quiet but I don't want to be in an awkward situation later on if we see these guys again and they say something.
> 
> My man doesn't know about my wild phase. I've only told him about other relationships that I've had in my life. So what is the best thing for me to do here? Thanks a lot for your help.


This situation has been played out a lot of times on TAM. If you don't tell and he finds out later he will feel very betrayed. Maybe he will think he would not have married you if he had known that beforehand. Your relation will be in dire straits.

But even if there is a second time you will be in a social setting and being in the same group with these and maybe other guys and girls you may have had a relation with: Someone may hint at it, he will feel insecure and betrayed, because you share an intimate secret with these other persons which he is left out from.

The only right thing to do is to tell him, and see what comes. That it is 'so not you' maybe true, but is no reason to leave him out of the story. Tell him. Everything.


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## EllisRedding

Well, there is the chance your BF will run into either of these two guys since you are in close enough circles (i.e. it is not like this happened in another stated 100s of miles away).

The problem I see, you said you have told your BF about your past relationships but omitted this. So here he is thinking you were honest and disclosed everything to him. If he finds out from these guys, that could potentially be the bigger issue, leave him wondering what else you have selectively omitted.


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## bandit.45

See_Listen_Love said:


> This situation has been played out a lot of times on TAM. If you don't tell and he finds out later he will feel very betrayed. Maybe he will think he would not have married you if he had known that beforehand. Your relation will be in dire straits.
> 
> But even if there is a second time you will be in a social setting and being in the same group with these and maybe other guys and girls you may have had a relation with: Someone may hint at it, he will feel insecure and betrayed, because you share an intimate secret with these other persons which he is left out from.
> 
> The only right thing to do is to tell him, and see what comes. That it is 'so not you' maybe true, but is no reason to leave him out of the story. Tell him. Everything.



:iagree:

You and your boyfriend will attend more parties and you will most likely run into these two guys if they are part of the wider social circle you hang out in. And you cannot count on them to be gentlemen. All it would take is for one of them to get drunk or smoke some hierba at a party and they will start blabbing about how you played hammock for them. 

Either stop hanging around that social circle or tell him.


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## larry.gray

This part right here is your problem:



SueLL said:


> My man doesn't know about my wild phase. I've only told him about other relationships that I've had in my life. So what is the best thing for me to do here? Thanks a lot for your help.


You had several options:
Deception where you tell a partial story, but leave him thinking it was all
Tell him the past is the past and not share
Be totally transparent and share all (and how you've changed)

You went with the final one. The first two are honerable, the last is not.

You have two choices now: come clean or keep decieving him. If you go the latter, you get to live in the fear of it coming out later.


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## BioFury

A general rule of thumb for you to follow, is never hide anything from your SO. If there is anything that they would be shocked, or hurt, or mad to find out about, tell them yourself. Never try to hide it.

It's only a matter of time before it comes out, and it will be judgement day for you if you intentionally keep it from him. In addition to telling him, I would take steps to make sure you never come into contact with those two men ever again. *Ever*.

You disrespected yourself with them, and it will be hugely insulting and disrespectful towards your bf if you allow them to so much as speak to you or him.


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## WasDecimated

I will never understand why women do these things thinking it will not catch up with them sooner or later. Honestly, most men will never experience a 3-way...so don't go there. Whether you like it or not, society still has a double standard. Sex happens inside a woman's body and outside a mans body. 

Men want to think of their women as more pure, especially when it comes to sex. They want to respect their woman and think of them as special, above all the rest. It's going to be very difficult for him if he knows who and what you did. It doesn't matter if that was before you met him or not. He will see you differently from that point on. 

Your man also wants to feel special and valued with you. He would like to think he is the only one that can bring out that side of you. He won't feel very special of valued if he finds out about those two guys. Especially if the one guy was a jerk like you said. He will be thinking, she gave these two jerks what I value most and hold so dearly, without love or commitment. The most precious gift you can give someone is yourself. He's also thinking, this guy must have really been something special for her to abandon her values, get intimate right away and then let him talk you into a threesome with is friend. How would he know it would never happen again? How does he know you really don't secretly have fond memories of your experience? You say it was just so not you, but in his mind, it was you. He is thinking, I can never compete with that. 

You may not like it, but that's the way it is. Tell him at your own risk.


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## WonkyNinja

SueLL said:


> The thing is that even though those two guys are not our friends or in our immediate social circle, he does know them sort of tangentially. So we could run into them again. And the first guy is a bit of a jerk so he might tell stories. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. It's just that my guy doesn't know about *that time before him and would probably not be thrilled*


It was before him, you don't owe him any apologies.

I agree with what seems to be the general advice. Tell him, be honest about it, it was something you tried and either don't want to do again / didn't like, or did like and would try again if that's how you feel.

But you don't need to apologize for it. 

I do hope these two don't stir the pot and brag or belittle you.


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## larry.gray

TX-SC said:


> Totally different concept. That thread is about what women have done in the past but won't for their spouse. I doubt her BF wants her to bang his friend in a threesome.


Ever watch Chasing Amy?


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## WonkyNinja

BetrayedDad said:


> Does it REALLY make a difference if it was the same orifice or two different ones?


She said she had a threesome, that is not the same as DP. That was another TAM unjustified assumption.

The details of it have nothing to do with anyone else.


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## WonkyNinja

BetrayedDad said:


> Any chance you could enlighten us on his sales pitch?
> 
> Incredibly curious how THAT conversation went....


That has no relevance to this thread whatsoever.

I sense some slvt shaming building up here.


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## BetrayedDad

WonkyNinja said:


> She said she had a threesome, that is not the same as DP. That was another TAM unjustified assumption.


Yeah I get it. All DP's are threesomes but not all threesomes are DP's.

My point was who cares how it went down? Is a threesome with or without a DP radically different?

Example conversation:

Sue: Honey, I had a threesome with those men.....

BF: Oh god, please tell me there was no DP!

Sue: There wasn't, I swear....

BF: *Sigh of Relief* In that case, no worries Sue!


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## BetrayedDad

WonkyNinja said:


> That has no relevance to this thread whatsoever.
> 
> I sense some slvt shaming building up here.


Not at all. I genuinely want to learn from this experience.

Now you're making unjustified TAM assumptions.


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## tech-novelist

BetrayedDad said:


> Tell him you slept those guys, just thought you should know. I'd omit the "at the same time" part.


So she should leave herself open to blackmail while at the same time giving her future husband trickle truth?

Somehow I don't think that is the best approach.


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## WonkyNinja

Decimated said:


> I will never understand why women do these things thinking it will not catch up with them sooner or later. Honestly, most men will never experience a 3-way...so don't go there. Whether you like it or not, society still has a double standard. Sex happens inside a woman's body and outside a mans body.


There are probably as many men experience it as women. Society's double standard is the problem.



Decimated said:


> Your man also wants to feel special and valued with you. *He would like to think he is the only one that can bring out that side of you. He won't feel very special of valued if he finds out about those two guys.* Especially if the one guy was a jerk like you said.


Why? She has clearly said that she has an active sex life with him. I presume he knows she had sex before. Any guy thinking that his active partner had no enjoyment before she met him has issues for himself to deal with.



Decimated said:


> He will be thinking, she gave these two jerks what I value most and hold so dearly, without love or commitment. The most precious gift you can give someone is yourself. He's also thinking, this guy must have really been something special for her to abandon her values, get intimate right away and then let him talk you into a threesome with is friend. How would he know it would never happen again? How does he know you really don't secretly have fond memories of your experience? You say it was just so not you, but in his mind, it was you. He is thinking, I can never compete with that.
> 
> You may not like it, but that's the way it is. Tell him at your own risk.


If that's the way he's thinking then bringing this up is a good thing. They will be heading for trouble further on in life.

I'm amazed that having never met him you can tell her in such detail how he thinks.


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## tech-novelist

SueLL said:


> No, I for sure do not say no to my guy. Why would I?! We're just fine in bed without going all crazy stupid. And when I did go stupid with those guys it was completely out of character for me. So if I tell my guy he'd be shocked so that's why I thought to keep quiet. But if one of the guys talks it would be worse I guess


It would be *infinitely *worse if he hears it from another person, especially one of the participants.

BTW, what did you do with them that was so "stupid"?


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## larry.gray

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm pretty sure they would recognize the girl they double teamed. *I doubt it happens all the time*.


I've turned down two explicit offers in my lifetime. Very definitely not my thing. Sadly the reverse scenario with two women never appeared because I would have been far more tempted.


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## BetrayedDad

tech-novelist said:


> So she should leave herself open to blackmail while at the same time giving her future husband trickle truth?
> 
> Somehow I don't think that is the best approach.


She points to them and says, "I slept with him and him. I thought you should know." and that's it. 

If he assumes she meant individually (like virtually all people would) then hey, he didn't ask for clarification.

If he gets mad later about the threesome she can say, "I told you I slept with him and him." It's the truth.


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## bandit.45

Ever notice how these guys who these women did nasty sex acts with are always described as "jerks"? 

I find that hard to believe.


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## tech-novelist

bandit.45 said:


> Ever notice how these guys who these women did nasty sex acts with are always described as "jerks"?
> 
> I find that hard to believe.


What do you find hard to believe exactly?


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## WonkyNinja

BetrayedDad said:


> Yeah I get it. All DP's are threesomes but not all threesomes are DP's.
> 
> My point was who cares how it went down? Is a threesome with or without a DP radically different?
> 
> Example conversation:
> 
> Sue: Honey, I had a threesome with those men.....
> 
> BF: Oh god, please tell me there was no DP!
> 
> Sue: There wasn't, I swear....
> 
> BF: *Sigh of Relief* In that case, no worries Sue!


Sue: Honey, I had a threesome with those men.....

BF: Oh god, please tell me there was no DP!

Sue: It was a long time ago, before you and I had met I was a different person at that time and I really don't want to recall the intimate details. Do you intend telling me the specifics of everyone you've ever had sex with?

BF: No.

Sue: Good, then lets put it behind us.


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## Livvie

I don't think it's any of his business. Has he shared with you every person he has slept with, and did he describe the situation/kind of sex? Have you asked him to? Has he asked you, and did you agree to give him details of your past?


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## bandit.45

tech-novelist said:


> What do you find hard to believe exactly?


They always say "I didn't enjoy it" or "I liked it but I felt used afterwards" or "I liked it but the guy was a jerk and I would never go out with him again..." . 

Why does asking a chick if she wants to have a three-way with you and your buddy automatically make you a jerk? I hear this alot from women who do sexual stuff they are not proud of, and probably 50% of the time they describe the guy(s) they did the deed with as "jerks" or "a$$holes".

Well...if they are such jerks and a$$holes, what was it you found so attractive abound them that would make you want to get funky?


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## BetrayedDad

WonkyNinja said:


> Sue: Honey, I had a threesome with those men.....
> 
> BF: Oh god, please tell me there was no DP!
> 
> Sue: It was a long time ago, before you and I had met I was a different person at that time and I really don't want to recall the intimate details. Do you intend telling me the specifics of everyone you've ever had sex with?
> 
> BF: No.
> 
> Sue: Good, then lets put it behind us.


Please, if he's the type of guy who cares if she had a threesome, you can bet the house he will have "follow up" questions.

She doesn't have to answer and he doesn't have to remain her boyfriend. That's their choices to make.


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## tech-novelist

bandit.45 said:


> They always say "I didn't enjoy it" or "I liked it but I felt used afterwards" or "I liked it but the guy was a jerk and I would never go out with him again..." .
> 
> Why does asking a chick if she wants to have a three-way with you and your buddy automatically make you a jerk? I hear this alot from women who do sexual stuff they are not proud of, and probably 50% of the time they describe the guy(s) they did the deed with as "jerks" or "a$$holes".
> 
> Well...if they are such jerks and a$$holes, what was it you found so attractive abound them that would make you want to get funky?


Obviously it couldn't be that they were jerks and/or a$$holes!


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## bandit.45

tech-novelist said:


> Obviously it couldn't be that they were jerks and/or a$$holes!


Well.. can you explain it? 

I don't get it.


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## See_Listen_Love

Bad boys........


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## EleGirl

NobodySpecial said:


> *SOME *
> 
> 
> OP lots of guys on here have attitudes that do not reflect my reality at all. If you man is anything like my husband, he will say "Oh", and that will be that. Don't let the guys on here freak you out.


You are right. I accidently left out the word “some”.

When my husband told me about a 3some that he had, I laughed. It was a onetime thing. Did not seem like a big deal to me. I don’t know how he would have reacted if I had a 3some in the past. My bet is that he would have reacted the same way.


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## EleGirl

zzzman99 said:


> Some can, some can't. That is for them to say. Why is that an issue for you?


Why do you care what I think?

My concern is for the OP, not what some men might think. She clearly already knows that there is a good chance that her bf is going to have an issue with this. I was simply stating a fact.


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## bandit.45

I don't think I would get too bent out of shape about it. I'm not into group sex, but if my lady tried it in the past I wouldn't hold it against her. But I would expect some pretty enthusiastic sex from her, and not some limp fish sh!t. 

Where the problem lies with OP is that she and BF are actively running in the same social circles as the guys she slept with. That is when it becomes problematic, because young people thrive on drama and they lack tact. They shoot their mouths off, they gossip, they make bad decisions... 

I could see her boyfriend ending up the object of jeers and ridicule, and the poor guy won't even know why.


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## tech-novelist

bandit.45 said:


> Well.. can you explain it?
> 
> I don't get it.


Read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/347521-reproductive-3.html or http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/346362-has-any-guy-here-taken-red-pill.html. It's off-topic here.


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## zzzman99

EleGirl said:


> Why do you care what I think?
> 
> My concern is for the OP, not what some men might think. She clearly already knows that there is a good chance that her bf is going to have an issue with this. I was simply stating a fact.


SOME clears it up.


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## Wolf1974

I am definitely in the you "discuss all things camp"

However some people, much to my surprise, really don't want to know about their partners past. I would think if this was important to your BF he might have asked about your past prior to now. I think you don't say anything unless he asks about your sexual past and disclosure about it.


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## Lila

SueLL said:


> The thing is that even though those two guys are not our friends or in our immediate social circle, he does know them sort of tangentially. So we could run into them again. And the first guy is a bit of a jerk so he might tell stories. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. *It's just that my guy doesn't know about that time before him and would probably not be thrilled*


I'm going to be completely blunt....if you know that he's the kind of guy who would be upset knowing you had participated in a threesome, then he's probably not a compatible long-term partner _for you_. He may be a great guy otherwise but you two do no share similar core values. 

As someone who is generally open-minded to all kinds of sexual activities, I would advise you to not say a word about the threesome and just break off the relationship due to incompatibility.


----------



## bandit.45

Lila said:


> I'm going to be completely blunt....if you know that he's the kind of guy who would be upset knowing you had participated in a threesome, then he's probably not a compatible long-term partner _for you_. He may be a great guy otherwise but you two do no share similar core values.
> 
> As someone who is generally open-minded to all kinds of sexual activities, I would advise you to not say a word about the threesome and just break off the relationship due to incompatibility.


I agree. She know him well enough that her gut tells her he would be pissed. If he were a freak and was constantly trying to get her to do a FMF or a MFM, or to try swinging, then she could probably just mention it in passing and he wouldn't care.


----------



## bandit.45

I actually read an interview with a gal who was into MFM threesomes, and she said what she loved about it was the attention. She got off being the center of attention. She said it made her feel like a "princess".


----------



## Lila

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. She know him well enough that her gut tells her he would be pissed. If he were a freak and was constantly trying to get her to do a FMF or a MFM, or to try swinging, then she could probably just mention it in passing and he wouldn't care.


I wouldn't even say he needs to be "a freak" or into swinging per se, but he would definitely have to be someone more open minded (or less judgemental) about threesomes in general.


----------



## sidney2718

Lila said:


> I'm going to be completely blunt....if you know that he's the kind of guy who would be upset knowing you had participated in a threesome, then he's probably not a compatible long-term partner _for you_. He may be a great guy otherwise but you two do no share similar core values.
> 
> As someone who is generally open-minded to all kinds of sexual activities, I would advise you to not say a word about the threesome and just break off the relationship due to incompatibility.


That advice means the end of your relationship and an ex who will wonder forever about what happened.

If there is any realistic chance that you and your man will run into the pair of guys again then I'd tell him.

I'd wait until you and he are in a relaxed mood, possibly after sex and tell him how much you love him and that you want to unburden yourself about an incident or two before you met him.

And then tell him.

If he ends up breaking it off, at least the two of you will know what happened. But I'd guess that there is a reasonable chance that all will be fine.

On the other hand, if there is NO chance that you will run into the dynamic duo again, then I'd keep it to myself and just go on with life.

These are decisions that only you can make.


----------



## EleGirl

Lila said:


> I'm going to be completely blunt....if you know that he's the kind of guy who would be upset knowing you had participated in a threesome, then he's probably not a compatible long-term partner _for you_. He may be a great guy otherwise but you two do no share similar core values.
> 
> As someone who is generally open-minded to all kinds of sexual activities, I would advise you to not say a word about the threesome and just break off the relationship due to incompatibility.


I agree with this. It’s probably not going to go very well. Why? And after the relationship is over there is a good chance that when he’s asked by friends and family why they broke up, he’s going to tell people that he found out that she lied to him about her sexual past. That she has a 3some with the two guys. So now the news about her 3some is going to be all over the place.

Maybe she needs to move to another state, across the country.


----------



## tech-novelist

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. She know him well enough that her gut tells her he would be pissed. If he were a freak and was constantly trying to get her to do a FMF or a MFM, or to try swinging, then she could probably just mention it in passing and he wouldn't care.


I'm not sure about that. In that case he might be pissed off that she wouldn't do it with him.

But complete honesty is still the best policy in my opinion.


----------



## Lila

sidney2718 said:


> That advice means the end of your relationship and an ex who will wonder forever about what happened.


OP knows him better than we do and she's said that he would probably not take it well. If he's judgemental and/or close-minded, she runs a high risk of being shamed for her past sexual activities. 

All she needs to tell him is that they are incompatible. They do not share common core values. That's all she owes him.


----------



## TAMAT

SueLL,

I would suggest that you not enter into a marriage without your future H knowing the full truth of your past. This is known as historical honesty.

Your BF may drop you for this and that is his choice, but by not telling him you are denying him the choice to leave you if he can't handle it. 

Your future H also needs to know who your ex'es are so that he knows when they are trying to contact you again. 

The best way to keep a secret from blowing up is to divulge it. 

Tamat


----------



## Good Guy

You have to tell him, otherwise your whole marriage will be based on lies. He will find out. As other posters have said, guys brag about that kind of thing. Especially jerks. Women reward jerks with lots of sex. You never see a jerk man in the infidelity section saying I slept around and treated my wife like sh1t and she cheated on me. Ever.


----------



## Good Guy

You will get bored of his faithfulness and reliability and go looking for thrills again. It's so predictable. That wild period - that's the real you.


----------



## larry.gray

Lila said:


> I'm going to be completely blunt....if you know that he's the kind of guy who would be upset knowing you had participated in a threesome, then he's probably not a compatible long-term partner _for you_. He may be a great guy otherwise but you two do no share similar core values.
> 
> As someone who is generally open-minded to all kinds of sexual activities, I would advise you to not say a word about the threesome and just break off the relationship due to incompatibility.


That advice does make me ponder.... it presumes he would be upset. But that is likely, not a certainty. It would be a shame to end over this on a likely. He just might be OK with this unless he's made some strong slvt shame type statements already.

If so, your advice is solid.


----------



## bandit.45

Good Guy said:


> You will get bored of his faithfulness and reliability and go looking for thrills again. It's so predictable. That wild period - that's the real you.


Oh....knock it off. 

You mean you would turn down a threesome with two hot chicks? 

Give me a break.


----------



## zzzman99

larry.gray said:


> That advice does make me ponder.... it presumes he would be upset. But that is likely, not a certainty. It would be a shame to end over this on a likely. He just might be OK with this unless he's made some strong slvt shame type statements already.
> 
> If so, your advice is solid.


The guy has the right to know and make his own decision. Or, don't tell him and then don't get p_ssed if/when he keeps things from you someday. (Don't be a hypocrite). 

When did anything but honesty with your future partner become something wrong.


----------



## tech-novelist

bandit.45 said:


> Oh....knock it off.
> 
> You mean you would turn down a threesome with two hot chicks?
> 
> Give me a break.


It isn't the threesome that is in question, but hiding it.

So if he wouldn't hide it, then he is not being hypocritical.


----------



## larry.gray

zzzman99 said:


> The guy has the right to know and make his own decision. Or, don't tell him and then don't get p_ssed if/when he keeps things from you someday. (Don't be a hypocrite).
> 
> When did anything but honesty with your future partner become something wrong.


Why are you quoting me? Strawman much?


----------



## ABHale

The thing is OP, did you present yourself of sweet and innocent or as one that had somewhat of a past without giving details. 

If your husband to be was looking for the first then you have decieved him. 

If not then just explain that you had relations with those two guys. 

If would also help to know what your H2B thinks about those two guys. I know when I dated i steered clear of some girls because of the guys they would date for a week or two. Once the guys got what they wanted they would kick them to the side all broken up. Even though they did it to the girl before them as well. If this two have that rep then your husband might know about it and think differently about you. 

You see I dated a girl for about a 6 months, things were getting close with us. Then out of the blue she broke up with me. She started dating a guy 4 yrs older, she was 16. Two weeks after they started dating she came crying saying how he used her asking if we could give another try. I walked away form her. 

Not saying your husband would do the same because your situation is a little different. But I would never be someone's second/safe choice. 

If you tell it will depend on how H2B views the situation. Also how secure he is with himself. 

Hope the best for you.


----------



## Thor

I've not read past the first page, so apologies if I missed something.

Tell him.

What kind of conversations have you had about your pasts? Has he asked specific questions? Has he indicated he wants to understand your past, whether in detail or at least in general? Have you told him he can ask you anything?

How have you responded to those questions? Have you been fully honest? Have you brushed him off? Have you told him it is none of his business? Have you given him answers which you think he'll be ok with but left out things you think he might not like?

On the flip side, what kind of approach have you had towards his past? Have you asked him anything about the kinds of relationships he's had? Have you asked him about any kinky experiences?

How has he responded to you?

So here's the thing. Some people want to understand their spouse's past because they see it as a way to understand them So if he has indicated in any way that he wants to know your past or that he thinks a person's past is important, he is the kind who wants to feel secure that the person you have shown him is the real you.

Other people don't want to know anything (or much) about their spouse's past. They base their judgment on what they have experienced within that relationship. For whatever reason, they don't see a previous history as relevant to the future of this relationship.

So do you have a really clear understanding of which camp he is probably in? If he doesn't want to know, then you shouldn't tell him the nitty gritty details.

While we all do things which are outliers and not our normal self, those things can also be important. For example, you might be an honest good person except for that time you embezzled $5,000 from an employer. That was an outlier but it sure is an important data point! That's how it works with men's minds. You are certainly entitled to try things which are not your normal flavor, and you don't have to want to do them again. But your wild times are something you did, so you can't say it "isn't you". It just isn't you any more. The bulk of your relationship and sexual history is quite different.

If you think any of the things you did would be in his mind like embezzling from an employer, you should tell him. Some would say hide it from him, but he has the right to know the reality of your past if it is important to him. He has the right to make decisions about his future based on what is important to him. We don't have to agree that it is relevant or reasonable, but he is still entitled to make his own decisions. You don't have the right to lie in order to get what you want.

Here's another thing. Guys generally want to know when they are in the presence of their wife's former lovers. At the first reasonable opportunity you should tell him. "Joe at the party tonight, he and I were a thing in the past. I just wanted you to know". Now he may not want to know even this much, but I think that is a rarity. If he hasn't already told you he does not want to know, you should assume he very much does want to know.

And the reason you tell him is because he will likely find out at some point. Either "Joe" says something at another party, or somebody else says something. Maybe your fiance and Joe become more friendly. Yeah, that's when it can get bad for your fiance when he finds out he's been the only one in the group of guys who didn't know Joe had been a fling of yours.

As to the one-night-stand and 3-some stuff, that is similar. If he has indicated he wants to understand your past, you have to tell him about this short wild period you had. You can ease into it by saying you had this year when you did things you didn't do before or after, and it isn't stuff you want to do again. Let him ask questions rather than you dump all the details on him at once. If he asks for some details, you can say to him that you'll answer his questions fully and honestly, but you want to be sure he really wants the answers. Ask him if he wants to think it over for while to decide how much he wants to know.

I'm one of those husbands who found out more and more as the years went on. My wife intentionally withheld and lied to me. She even told me more recently that she did so because she knew I would not have married her. And then more came out! She wouldn't even address the additional things, instead she was defensive and avoided answering.

This destroyed trust. Ultimately it led down the road to divorce.

Either you're honest with him or you are not. When he discovers you are not, he will judge you unworthy of trust going forward. A loving person does not lie to their future spouse.


----------



## Thor

Why do we assume his upset would be fatal to the relationship?

Let's guess the guy is typical, and he thinks what he knows of OP's past is essentially the complete story, and it represents an accurate picture of her history. Then he finds out that there was this wild period when she did stuff he didn't know about. And, perhaps, some of those things are wilder than his own history.

So, yes, he's going to feel upset. Maybe his male ego is feeling a bit challenged. Maybe he is a bit angry he didn't know about this sooner. Maybe he feels a bit deceived. Maybe he is embarrassed.

But that may all pass fairly quickly. He processes the information over a day or a week. He sees that they have a good close emotional bond and their sex life is active and satisfying. He knows of other women who've been through the same kind of wild phase and are now good wives (not wild cheating floozies). He realizes that this part of her past is not ideal to him, but it is not a big enough deal to harm the relationship.

We cannot control how other people react to the truth. We are morally obligated to be truthful, not to manage their comfort or control their responses.

And, ultimately, there are consequences for our choices and behaviors. It is possible OP's wild times exceed her bf's limits. That would be an unfortunate situation but it would be a consequence of her actions.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

SueLL said:


> The thing is that even though those two guys are not our friends or in our immediate social circle, he does know them sort of tangentially. So we could run into them again. And the first guy is a bit of a jerk so he might tell stories. I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting. It's just that my guy doesn't know about that time before him and would probably not be thrilled


You aren't overreacting. Men and women see this differently because of society and gender bias. Here's my thing, the decision to inform your boyfriend is entirely YOUR choice. It is not a lie by omission AT ALL, unless you told him you were a virgin and never had sex. He doesn't deserve a timeline, sex positions or any other info unless you VOLUNTARILY want to tell him.


----------



## idealist?

Ok so up front Im kind of deep. I have been accused of over processing or over thinking. I like to believe I am simply complete. In saying so do as you wish with my reply.

You say you may have met your soulmate. Are you willing to find out? From my persoective I want a woman I can love down to her very last fiber. In order to do so she has to love me to mine. I cant go any deeper than you are willing to allow me to go nor you deeper than I.
so my thought is, I want to know you down to the very worst of you. It is that and every other experience that made you who you are.....and who you are is who I fell in love with.
if I cant handle every last detail then we were nkt meant to be.
so think of this and dont hate .e for planting it in your head . Imagine you get married and you seemingky have it all. Then one day in thinking this man loves you like no other ever could a thought pops into your head....."would he still love me if he knew?"
From that day forward your beautiful dream is nothing more than a lie. So the question becomes can you live with that?
So you began with "what if he finds out?" The question I would be asking is "what if he doesnt?"

You seem like a nice girl but to not share yourself entirely with me is to not trust me. To not trust me means Im probably not really your soulmate at all. 

I can tell you how it happened in my realtionahip and you use it as you will. My girl had a very similar life event. She told me and I told her of mine. Those honest moments brought us to a very deep love and I hold
None of those things against her and I dont think she holds them against me. I hope you have foound that in your life too...may only be one way to find out 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Lila said:


> I'm going to be completely blunt....if you know that he's the kind of guy who would be upset knowing you had participated in a threesome, then he's probably not a compatible long-term partner _for you_. He may be a great guy otherwise but you two do no share similar core values.
> 
> As someone who is generally open-minded to all kinds of sexual activities, I would advise you to not say a word about the threesome and just break off the relationship due to incompatibility.


:surprise:

That would leave him vulnerable to terrible insecurity and mocking from these guys and others behind his back! Not knowing about that or getting to know later in life about it will give him resentful feelings for life. He needs to know. 

The compatibility is not valid here, people make all kinds of mistakes in life, grow into other people, like you say it was a period in your life, well he may have periods like that later in life. No ground for concluding you are not compatible right now.

Communication is key.


----------



## AliceA

Dh and I didn't go into detail about our past sexual partners, not because we were hiding anything, but I think because we didn't care. I was more interested in why his LTRs ended; it can tell you a lot about a person.

I have seen men on here freaking out over learning about stuff later on though, so when in doubt, let it out. Honesty is the best policy.

Edited to add: You seem hesitant because you feel ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of imo. You had sex, no big deal.


----------



## AliceA

BTW, if he does break up with you for telling him, better now than later on down the track. If he goes and blabs to people that he broke it off because of some sex you had in the past, threesome or otherwise, any intelligent person would just think he's a bit of a wanker. The rest aren't worth knowing anyway.


----------



## jld

idealist? said:


> I want to know you down to the very worst of you. It is that and every other experience that made you who you are.....and who you are is who I fell in love with.
> if I cant handle every last detail then we were nkt meant to be.


I agree. OP, why would you even want to be with a man who you suspect may not be able to accept your past, and love you anyway?

If he cannot do that, then staying with him is cheating yourself out of finding someone who can. Why would you want to do that to yourself?


----------



## WasDecimated

WonkyNinja said:


> There are probably as many men experience it as women. Society's double standard is the problem.


While this may be true, how would you fix this? Elevate everyone to a higher standard or lower everyone to the lowest common denominator?




WonkyNinja said:


> Why? She has clearly said that she has an active sex life with him. I presume he knows she had sex before. Any guy thinking that his active partner had no enjoyment before she met him has issues for himself to deal with.


Sure, most people assume their partner has had sex before but the vast majority would assume the sex was monogamous within committed relationships. A devils threesome is not something I would assume a woman I was ready devote my life to would have been involved in. I’m guessing that a woman who has a 3-way could potentially have more issues than a guy that has only had monogamous sex within committed relationships.





WonkyNinja said:


> If that's the way he's thinking then bringing this up is a good thing. They will be heading for trouble further on in life.
> 
> I'm amazed that having never met him you can tell her in such detail how he thinks.


I’m just an average guy trying to give OP some perspective on how a typical man’s brain works when faced with something like this.


----------



## I Don't Know

OP, I think you should tell him.

He gets to decide who he wants to marry. If you know this is a deal breaker for him and you don't tell him you are taking his choice away. Is that how you treat your soul mate? I know you think "it doesn't matter, those guys don't matter" but you don't get to decide what matters TO HIM. 

Let's say, you absolutely did not want to be with a former drug user. You marry this guy and later find out that he had been a hard core user before he met you. Wouldn't you feel betrayed and cheated out of your right to choose?

Also, you're not talking about something that happened 10 years ago. You said you were in this wild phase right up until you met him. I think that's pretty relevant. If you were doing your wild phase a month before you met your guy, I think it takes away a lot of the "I'm not the same person that did those things" argument.

How long have you two been together? How long before you met him did the 3some happen? How long before you met him did your wild streak end?


----------



## WonkyNinja

Decimated said:


> While this may be true, how would you fix this? Elevate everyone to a higher standard or lower everyone to the lowest common denominator?


It's not a matter of "higher standard" or "lowest common denominator". It's a matter of an adult having the freedom to explore their sexuality and the assumption that having a threesome makes her bad or dirty. 



Decimated said:


> Sure, most people assume their partner has had sex before but the vast majority would assume the sex was monogamous within committed relationships. A *devils threesome* is not something I would assume a woman I was ready devote my life to would have been involved in. I’m guessing that a woman who has a 3-way *could potentially have more issues than a guy that has only had monogamous sex within committed relationships*.


So anything goes within a monogamous relationship but more than one is a "devils threesome"? We have many posters on here suffering abuse in committed monogamous relationships and OP here did nothing more than tried a threesome. She is not an abuser or an abused. 

Anybody has the potential for issues, I left a 20 year pretty well sexless marriage and I still have issues. If my XW had had an open view on sex like OP I'd probably still be married.

We see many posters who have serious issues because sex was treated as dirty not to be done until legally married. To suggest that she is more likely to have issues because she tried something sexually is totally unjustified.


----------



## EleGirl

See_Listen_Love said:


> :surprise:
> 
> That would leave him vulnerable to terrible insecurity and mocking from these guys and others behind his back! Not knowing about that or getting to know later in life about it will give him resentful feelings for life. He needs to know.
> 
> The compatibility is not valid here, people make all kinds of mistakes in life, grow into other people, like you say it was a period in your life, well he may have periods like that later in life. No ground for concluding you are not compatible right now.
> 
> Communication is key.


Did you have sex with anyone before you were married? Do you mock the husbands of those women behind their backs now that those women are married?

Do most men mock the husbands of women that they had sex with previously? You seem to think that this is something that most men do. So are men really that petting and mean that they mock the current partner/husband of any woman they ever slept with? Do men, as a rule, go around telling others about the sex they had with other women and make fun of those women?

I'm asking because you are implying something very negative about most, if not all men.


----------



## EllisRedding

Wolf1974 said:


> I am definitely in the you "discuss all things camp"
> 
> However some people, much to my surprise, really don't want to know about their partners past. * I would think if this was important to your BF he might have asked about your past prior to now. * I think you don't say anything unless he asks about your sexual past and disclosure about it.


What is not clear, the OP did say she had discussed past relationships with her BF, so he may in fact has asked about her past, and she selectively picked what parts to tell him. However, without feedback from the OP it would be hard to know exactly what part of the past they were looking to discuss.


----------



## Spicy

With many things in life, it's all about the wording and approach.

I would say, "Baby, there is something eating me alive inside that is ancient history but I haven't had the courage to tell you about. I love you so much, I just want you to know as much about me as possible. This is something I'm not proud of, but it is part of my history nonetheless. I once had a sexual experience that involved two guys. It only happened once, and this was long before we met or got together."

I hope you opt to tell him, and then work on your relationship from that point...I wish you the best.


----------



## EllisRedding

Spicy said:


> With many things in life, it's all about the wording and approach.
> 
> I would say, *"Baby,* there is something eating me alive inside that is ancient history but I haven't had the courage to tell you about. I love you so much, I just want you to know as much about me as possible. This is something I'm not proud of, but it is part of my history nonetheless. I once had a sexual experience that involved two guys. It only happened once, and this was long before we met or got together."
> 
> I hope you opt to tell him, and then work on your relationship from that point...I wish you the best.


You had me at Baby!


----------



## Wolf1974

EllisRedding said:


> What is not clear, the OP did say she had discussed past relationships with her BF, so he may in fact has asked about her past, and she selectively picked what parts to tell him. However, without feedback from the OP it would be hard to know exactly what part of the past they were looking to discuss.


Well to me if you only share parts and not all that's same as lying and lying is an automatic deal breaker. True this needs clarification
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Spicy

EllisRedding said:


> You had me at Baby!


LOL...you know it! Batting these big brown eyes helps too! >


----------



## WasDecimated

WonkyNinja said:


> It's not a matter of "higher standard" or "lowest common denominator". It's a matter of an adult having the freedom to explore their sexuality and the assumption that having a threesome makes her bad or dirty.


True. As individuals, we are all free to explore their sexual freedom to our hearts content but we run the risk of being judged by those who do not agree with our choices or lifestyle. As free individuals, we are also free decide what we consider acceptable behavior in a potential mate and decide if those choices are consistent with those of someone we want to be involved with. 



WonkyNinja said:


> So anything goes within a monogamous relationship but more than one is a "devils threesome"? We have many posters on here suffering abuse in committed monogamous relationships and OP here did nothing more than tried a threesome. She is not an abuser or an abused.


The term "devils Threesome" refers to 2 guys and one girl...Google it. Threesomes are not considered part of a monogamous relationship. Abuse has nothing to do with this thread, it was never mentioned by OP. This thread is about a woman who had a past threesome with two men and now there is a very good chance her boyfriend will find out. She is trying to decide if she should preemptively tell him truth or keep it hidden...It's a double edged sword. Now she has to face the consequences for her past choices.



WonkyNinja said:


> Anybody has the potential for issues, I left a 20 year pretty well sexless marriage and I still have issues. If my XW had had an open view on sex like OP I'd probably still be married.


True, everyone has the potential for issues but most would prefer to mitigate the future potential by avoiding certain red flags in the present. To me, a threesome is a red flag. 

So you are saying that if your EX wanted threesomes, you would still be married? If so, that's fine. As long as both sides of the relationship consider that to be acceptable. 



WonkyNinja said:


> We see many posters who have serious issues because sex was treated as dirty not to be done until legally married. To suggest that she is more likely to have issues because she tried something sexually is totally unjustified.


Certainly not the majority. On the contrary, I see most posters here because their spouses have treated sex frivolously, selfishly or without respect. Many posters here are, or were being cheated on and lied to and others living in sexless marriages. I don't recall many posters here on TAM because sex was treated as dirty not to be done until legally married. If there are, they certainly are a small minority. Are you possibly projecting? OP never said she had issues with her premarital sex life with her boyfriend. 

I personally believe that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. If this is true, a smart person will take it into consideration.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

EleGirl said:


> Did you have sex with anyone before you were married? Do you mock the husbands of those women behind their backs now that those women are married?
> 
> Do most men mock the husbands of women that they had sex with previously? You seem to think that this is something that most men do. So are men really that petting and mean that they mock the current partner/husband of any woman they ever slept with? Do men, as a rule, go around telling others about the sex they had with other women and make fun of those women?
> 
> I'm asking because you are implying something very negative about most, if not all men.


I cannot comprehend why you would think I am implying something very negative about most, let alone 'all' men.

Really it seems habit on TAM these days that someone reacts with 'are you saying that......' and then follows an incorrect simplification which is not present in my statement. Then the fulmination starts against that self-produced erroneous point of view.

It is in the water?

The man is in a concrete situation where two men, who slept with his wife, are present. This is only about him and these two. If these two talk or have talked to others in the social circle, or they make remarks towards him, or others do that then the situation can be very uncomfortable and insecure for him. And then if he finds out one way or another, the situation will be like him being betrayed by his wife.

NOW 

This is a concrete example of what I guess can happen. Nowhere do I make generalizations about anything. Why on the world would you read that into it??? :scratchhead:


----------



## See_Listen_Love

BTW, there are threads enough on TAM that display exactly the sketched situation, men on parties, where the wife had also OM present, or where people knew about her past and the man did not. Read how they felt about that.


----------



## EleGirl

Decimated said:


> The term "devils Threesome" refers to 2 guys and one girl...Google it. Threesomes are not considered part of a monogamous relationship. Abuse has nothing to do with this thread, it was never mentioned by OP. This thread is about a woman who had a past threesome with two men and now there is a very good chance her boyfriend will find out. She is trying to decide if she should preemptively tell him truth or keep it hidden...It's a double edged sword. Now she has to face the consequences for her past choices..


Is a threesome with two women and one man morally better?


----------



## EleGirl

See_Listen_Love said:


> See_Listen_Love said:
> 
> 
> 
> I cannot comprehend why you would think I am implying something very negative about most, let alone 'all' men.
> 
> Really it seems habit on TAM these days that someone reacts with 'are you saying that......' and then follows an incorrect simplification which is not present in my statement. Then the fulmination starts against that self-produced erroneous point of view.
> 
> It is in the water?
> 
> The man is in a concrete situation where two men, who slept with his wife, are present. This is only about him and these two. If these two talk or have talked to others in the social circle, or they make remarks towards him, or others do that then the situation can be very uncomfortable and insecure for him. And then if he finds out one way or another, the situation will be like him being betrayed by his wife.
> 
> NOW
> 
> This is a concrete example of what I guess can happen. Nowhere do I make generalizations about anything. Why on the world would you read that into it??? :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> 
> I cannot comprehend why you would think I am implying something very negative about most, let alone 'all' men.
> 
> Really it seems habit on TAM these days that someone reacts with 'are you saying that......' and then follows an incorrect simplification which is not present in my statement. Then the fulmination starts against that self-produced erroneous point of view.
> 
> It is in the water?
> 
> The man is in a concrete situation where two men, who slept with his wife, are present. This is only about him and these two. If these two talk or have talked to others in the social circle, or they make remarks towards him, or others do that then the situation can be very uncomfortable and insecure for him. And then if he finds out one way or another, the situation will be like him being betrayed by his wife.
> 
> NOW
> 
> This is a concrete example of what I guess can happen. Nowhere do I make generalizations about anything. Why on the world would you read that into it??? :scratchhead:
Click to expand...

No, you said that the husband would be, or is, in a position of the men talking about his back and laughing at him. I asked because I want to know why you think that the other men are likely to be laughing at the husband.


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## KillerClown

Sue checked out at post 30.

I hope she's doing well.


----------



## Livvie

Why is a threesome any worse than a one night stand with these guys individually?


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## GusPolinski

If these guys are in your social circle -- meaning that there is a likelihood that your boyfriend will interact w/ them even semi-regularly -- at all, then yes, you should tell him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## re16

This situation is completely different than most past partners because they are interacting at social events with the ex partners.

I think you would have to tell him due to this fact.

What if the situation were reversed for her and she found out that some other woman at the same social events was his ex partner. She would feel like she should have known. Especially if it was two woman.


----------



## WasDecimated

EleGirl said:


> Is a threesome with two women and one man morally better?


No, I never said it was...


----------



## Thor

KillerClown said:


> Sue checked out at post 30.
> 
> I hope she's doing well.


Yup, hot button topic, new member who checks out early in the predictable ensuing debate. On these threads I purposely keep my responses aimed at the OP. I am always leery of this topic and a few others.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

EleGirl said:


> No, you said that the husband would be, or is, in a position of the men talking about his back and laughing at him. I asked because I want to know why you think that the other men are likely to be laughing at the husband.



Yes I said something like that, I said he would be in a vulnerable position to mocking remarks. 

Why do I know that? I have read many threads on TAM, I know people, men and women, and based on that, I see the very real possibility that these two guys are making small half clear, or half loud remarks, to eachother. And depending on the kind of people in the social circle there could be others if they knew.

As people say just my 0.02


----------



## EleGirl

KillerClown said:


> Sue checked out at post 30.
> 
> I hope she's doing well.


I doubt she'll be back.... been run off.

After being slvt shamed like some of the posts have done, I don't blame her.


----------



## Lila

See_Listen_Love said:


> :surprise:
> 
> That would leave him vulnerable to terrible insecurity and mocking from these guys and others behind his back! Not knowing about that or getting to know later in life about it will give him resentful feelings for life. He needs to know.


OP is not married to the guy. They've only been _dating_ for 14 months. The whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone to ensure compatibility. 

And c'mon.....holding on to lifelong resentment over a breakup due to incompatibility is a bit much, No? 



See_Listen_Love said:


> The compatibility is not valid here, people make all kinds of mistakes in life, grow into other people, like you say it was a period in your life, well he may have periods like that later in life. No ground for concluding you are not compatible right now.
> 
> Communication is key.


Incompatibility is absolutely valid in this case. I would never recommend anyone start a life long commitment without at least shared core values. I would also advise a woman to be very careful about sharing her past with someone she's not 100% sure will not take that information and share it with others.


----------



## bandit.45

EleGirl said:


> Is a threesome with two women and one man morally better?


No....just better


----------



## EllisRedding

bandit.45 said:


> No....just better


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Lila said:


> OP is not married to the guy. They've only been _dating_ for 14 months. The whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone to ensure compatibility.
> 
> *They date longer than some are married... I did not realize they were not living together. When they would start to, the argument stays the same.
> 
> * And c'mon.....holding on to lifelong resentment over a breakup due to incompatibility is a bit much, No?
> 
> *Yes it is. But the resentment would not be about the breakup.*
> 
> Incompatibility is absolutely valid in this case. I would never recommend anyone start a life long commitment without at least shared core values. I would also advise a woman to be very careful about sharing her past with someone she's not 100% sure will not take that information and share it with others.
> 
> *I meant the argument of incompatibility is invalid. Not that itself is unimportant. I share your view on that.*


----------



## EleGirl

bandit.45 said:


> No....just better


I would disagree >


----------



## becareful2

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You aren't overreacting. Men and women see this differently because of society and gender bias. Here's my thing, the decision to inform your boyfriend is entirely YOUR choice. It is not a lie by omission AT ALL, unless you told him you were a virgin and never had sex. He doesn't deserve a timeline, sex positions or any other info unless you VOLUNTARILY want to tell him.


I can't help but equate this advice from you to buying a car. Would the prospective buyer not be entitled to know about the car's history? Would you buy a car without getting that info? Or how about buying a house? Is the home seller not legally obligated to disclose all major home defects and neighborhood problems to the buyer? That's how many home sellers get sued for deceit and misrepresentation after the fact. A serious relationship and potential marriage are infinitely more important than buying a secondhand car or house, so how much more should the prospective buyer have a right to know?

You are advocating deceit via nondisclosure. Since when is omitting an important fact not considered a lie? Whatever happened to the notion that honesty is the best policy, and "above all to thine self be true"? It's about honesty to herself and respecting her partner enough to let him know before they walk down the aisle together. Many people would be okay with it but some may not, and it's up to them to decide whether that poses an incompatibility problem.


----------



## EleGirl

becareful2 said:


> I can't help but equate this advice from you to buying a car. Would the prospective buyer not be entitled to know about the car's history? Would you buy a car without getting that info? Or how about buying a house? Is the home seller not legally obligated to disclose all major home defects and neighborhood problems to the buyer? That's how many home sellers get sued for deceit and misrepresentation after the fact. A serious relationship and potential marriage are infinitely more important than buying a secondhand car or house, so how much more should the prospective buyer have a right to know?
> 
> You are advocating deceit via nondisclosure. Since when is omitting an important fact not considered a lie? Whatever happened to the notion that honesty is the best policy, and "above all to thine self be true"? It's about honesty to herself and respecting her partner enough to let him know before they walk down the aisle together. Many people would be okay with it but some may not, and it's up to them to decide whether that poses an incompatibility problem.


Some people do not equate a relationship to buying a car.

Most people never ask or even care all that much about their partner's sexual past. We had a thread on here about this and just about every said that they were never asked and they have never asked about details.

If a person wants to know, they need to ask specifically. Different people will have a different idea of what they would want to know.

Having sex with past partners is not usally considered a defect.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Some people do not equate a relationship to buying a car.


Did you glossed over the part where I said a serious relationship and a potential marriage are infinitely more important than buying a car, and if a car's history is important, how much more important is a partner's history?



> Most people never ask or even care all that much about their partner's sexual past. We had a thread on here about this and just about every said that they were never asked and they have never asked about details.


Some care while others don't. Shouldn't the OP's bf get to decide that for himself?



> If a person wants to know, they need to ask specifically. Different people will have a different idea of what they would want to know.


In other words, lying by omission is not considered lying at all, right? Just conveniently leave out that bit of information before walking down the aisle? 



> Having sex with past partners is not usally considered a defect.


"Defect" is a real estate lingo to mean "issue." The OP felt this issue bothered her enough to seek advice about it, so if it's important to her, who is to say it's not important to him, and shouldn't he get the final say on that? You seem to have agreed that it's her choice to not tell him this, but where is his choice in all of this?


----------



## EleGirl

becareful2 said:


> In other words, lying by omission is not considered lying at all, right? Just conveniently leave out that bit of information before walking down the aisle?


Nope, I never said to lie by omission. What I did say is that it's up to each person to ask what they feel that they need to know. And the other person has a choice to answer or not. If they don't want to give details, then the asker can decide if they are ok with that.

Some people don't want to know anything. some people seem to want a list of not only every previous sexual partner, details down to every position and more.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Nope, I never said to lie by omission. What I did say is that it's up to each person to ask what they feel that they need to know. And the other person has a choice to answer or not. If they don't want to give details, then the asker can decide if they are ok with that.
> 
> Some people don't want to know anything. some people seem to want a list of not only every previous sexual partner, details down to every position and more.


She can crack open the door by introducing some generic info and let him decide if he wants to walk through that door. Where is the respect for her bf by her being silent and letting him broach the issue, as though he was somehow a mind reader? I would apply the same standard to both partners. Suppose he slept around with hookers. She should have a right to know and not just assume that he didn't sleep with hookers because most men don't.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

I wouldn't want to know. I'd be more angry if she brought it up than if she kept it quiet and waited for me to ask. As long as she doesn't throw it in my face or make me feel second best or deprived, I'm good.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

WorkingOnMe said:


> I wouldn't want to know. I'd be more angry if she brought it up than if she kept it quiet and waited for me to ask. As long as she doesn't throw it in my face or make me feel second best or deprived, I'm good.




If I ask, don't lie to me. But if I don't ask, I don't want to know.


----------



## SueLL

I'm not sure if I did the right thing but I think I did and at least my conscience is clear.

Last night when he came over we got to talking. I took most people's advice and told him that when we first talked about our pasts I didn’t mention stuff that I probably should have. I told him that I went through a short wild phase. I told him that it was a weird time and that I did things that were just so out of character for me. When he asked what I did, I said that I had some flings kind of impulsively. He just listened and didn’t seem upset or anything.

He asked me what brought on my telling him about all this now. I mentioned the party we went to on Saturday and asked him if he remembered the two guys we spoke with briefly. I told him that I slept with them and I that wanted him to know so he doesn’t get blindsided if he hears about it from somewhere else or if we run into them again and something gets said. He sort of jokingly asked if it was at the same time. I guess he concluded from the look on my face or my expression or whatever that it was. He looked surprised I guess. Anyway, I told him that that phase taught me all about what I don’t like and that since I met him I know exactly what I DO like – and that’s him of course! I think he said wow a few times. He didn’t ask for details like some of you said he might, but he did ask me how many guys I’ve had sex with before him. I steered the topic away from that and told him I love him and he didn’t push things. 

He's going to come over again tonight. What if he starts asking specific questions? How should I handle it? Especially since he didn't freak out yesterday when I told him about my stupid phase. He really IS a good man and I don't want him feeling insecure or worried or thinking differently about us or whatever.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

SueLL said:


> I'm not sure if I did the right thing but I think I did and at least my conscience is clear.
> 
> 
> 
> Last night when he came over we got to talking. I took most people's advice and told him that when we first talked about our pasts I didn’t mention stuff that I probably should have. I told him that I went through a short wild phase. I told him that it was a weird time and that I did things that were just so out of character for me. When he asked what I did, I said that I had some flings kind of impulsively. He just listened and didn’t seem upset or anything.
> 
> 
> 
> He asked me what brought on my telling him about all this now. I mentioned the party we went to on Saturday and asked him if he remembered the two guys we spoke with briefly. I told him that I slept with them and I that wanted him to know so he doesn’t get blindsided if he hears about it from somewhere else or if we run into them again and something gets said. He sort of jokingly asked if it was at the same time. I guess he concluded from the look on my face or my expression or whatever that it was. He looked surprised I guess. Anyway, I told him that that phase taught me all about what I don’t like and that since I met him I know exactly what I DO like – and that’s him of course! I think he said wow a few times. He didn’t ask for details like some of you said he might, but he did ask me how many guys I’ve had sex with before him. I steered the topic away from that and told him I love him and he didn’t push things.
> 
> 
> 
> He's going to come over again tonight. What if he starts asking specific questions? How should I handle it? Especially since he didn't freak out yesterday when I told him about my stupid phase. He really IS a good man and I don't want him feeling insecure or worried or thinking differently about us or whatever.




If he asks, don't lie. Don't answer in an excited or animated way. Just tell the truth. Don't offer anything not asked for, but don't give off a withholding vibe.


----------



## becareful2

WorkingOnMe said:


> If I ask, don't lie to me. But if I don't ask, I don't want to know.


But would you know the right questions to ask? There was a woman here who slept with her bf's brother. He found out after his brother told him. How would that bf to know to ask that question? 

"Hey, babe, did you by any chance slept with my brother back in your college days?"

Or

"Hey, did you ever have a threesome with any of the men in our social circles?" That question would be completely different than "Did you ever have a threesome?"

I'm willing to bet that the bf wouldn't know the right questions to ask unless the OP hinted at it.


----------



## becareful2

SueLL said:


> I'm not sure if I did the right thing but I think I did and at least my conscience is clear.


I respect that. It's preferable to have a clear conscience and peace of mind over doubt and anxiety.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

SueLL said:


> He's going to come over again tonight. What if he starts asking specific questions? How should I handle it? Especially since he didn't freak out yesterday when I told him about my stupid phase. He really IS a good man and I don't want him feeling insecure or worried or thinking differently about us or whatever.



Be honest and 100% transparent, anything else will leave him insecure if found out at a later date, and you said you don't want that. The "protecting him from the truth" is generally a cop out and is usually just protecting yourself from fallout. Anything he needs to ask about you need to tell him about, along with anything you KNOW he should know about even if he doesn't ask. Litmus test is: "would you want to know if the roles were reversed" as a starter.
It's honesty, plain and simple. Many here can tell you of the havoc wreaked over LTRs when lies of omission are involved. Don't let it fester.


----------



## EleGirl

You did not answer his question about how many men you have had sex with. Since you did not give a straight answer, expect to hear that one again.

Also be careful of going on about how ashamed you are of the 3some, etc. You already said it. Let that go now. There is no need for you to go there. You did it. It’s done. And now you know you don’t like that sort of thing.


----------



## Lila

SueLL said:


> He's going to come over again tonight. What if he starts asking specific questions? How should I handle it? Especially since he didn't freak out yesterday when I told him about my stupid phase. He really IS a good man and I don't want him feeling insecure or worried or thinking differently about us or whatever.


You've already told him you had a threesome and with whom. I can't imagine any man who is not a cuckold or trying to set you up for another threesome asking for further details. Personally, I'd find any man with whom I'm having a sexual relationship to explicitly describe a sexual activity with another partner or partners frankly creepy. My 2 cents.


Sent from mobile using Tapatalk


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## TX-SC

Be honest but only within what you are comfortable with. Personally, I'm an open type of guy so I answer any question thrown at me honestly and I appreciate the same from a partner. Expect the "number" thing to come up again eventually. It may not be tonight, tomorrow, or even in a month, but it WILL come up. Think about how you will answer. Being coy about it usually leads to a person assuming much more than may be the case. 

Stick with the "I learned what I don't like" line.


----------



## notmyrealname4

SueLL said:


> ....*. but he did ask me how many guys I’ve had sex with before him*. I steered the topic away from that and told him I love him and he didn’t push things.





EleGirl said:


> You did not answer his question about how many men you have had sex with.* Since you did not give a straight answer, expect to hear that one again.*





TX-SC said:


> *.Expect the "number" thing to come up again eventually*. It may not be tonight, tomorrow, or even in a month, but it WILL come up. Think about how you will answer.



@SueLL


Have you lurked here on TAM for any length of time, prior to joining?

If you haven't, then I'll inform you that "how many past sexual partners has my wife had?", tends to be a very touchy issue.

So, it's possible that your bf. will want to know this. It's interesting to me that this was the line of questioning he pursued, after you explained about the threesome.


You did the right thing by telling him about the encounter you had with those two men. The reason I say that, is that you wouldn't have started a thread here, unless your conscience was bothering you. If you felt completely comfortable about it, you wouldn't be asking people on an internet forum for input.

So, don't regret telling him. You wanted to tell him.


As far as the number of partners goes; I guess you have to tell him that too. I mean, I guess. Here's one thing though; would you want to know all this about him? Do you want to know his partner count, or if he had one-night-stands? Or do you not care?

From what I've read on TAM over the last couple of years, if your number is higher than his, it will bother him. Even if you completely accept his past; he might not be so "lenient" about yours. He might only be placated if his number is higher than yours. It seems to be a pride thing with guys.

Then the next thing will be that you might be required to give an inventory of every sexual position you've been in, have you swallowed after oral sex with every guy---on and on and on.


Now, maybe your guy won't give two straws, will be glad that you were decent and above board with him---and it will be over.

But when I read that you said he asked how many partners you have had; my antennas went off.

Hope it all works out for the best.:| But if he gets his nose out of joint when you are an open book ;then I think that means that the relationship should be over.

It will be something that always bothers him, if he's the type to get upset over it.

Do you want to be "covering up" your past for the rest of your relationship with him? Afraid of accidentally letting a revealing detail slip out in conversation?

I don't think that's a way to live. Others here have suggested that you don't tell him anything and it's none of his business. They don't want this to be an issue between you guys, since it's all in the past.

Which is kind of true; but a moot point for you now. "The cat's out of the bag", so to speak. 

Good luck with your decision. IMO, honesty is the best policy in this type of situation.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

EleGirl said:


> You did not answer his question about how many men you have had sex with. Since you did not give a straight answer, expect to hear that one again.
> 
> Also be careful of going on about how ashamed you are of the 3some, etc. You already said it. Let that go now. There is no need for you to go there. You did it. It’s done. And now you know you don’t like that sort of thing.


I agree. Stop apologizing to him and shaming yourself about your past as though you did this *TO* him and need to make it up to him. Don't set that precedent. You didn't do ANYTHING to him. You had a wild phase in your past and you regret it. Big deal. You can't reach back and change it so that's that.

It's very clear you were content to leave this in the past and *would *have left it there had you not run into the two guys from your threesome. So this isn't a matter of your conscience having bothered you since you since the day you met your boyfriend like a lot of posters are inaccurately assuming. It's a matter of a past secret possibly blowing up in your face and trying to do damage control before it happens. 

You've opened a Pandora's Box unfortunately, and now he's expecting every single detail of every single thing you've ever done in your life from the time you first started wearing training bras. Up to this moment, however, knowing every single detail of your past was *not* a priority for him and now, it is.:surprise:

I have the feeling nothing good will come from this confession or the one you'll eventually make about your past number. It's just going to keep coming back to bite you in the ass because you WILL probably hear about these things from him again.

Some people just aren't capable of looking at the bigger picture and will instead make a judgment on who you are based on *one* decision you made *one* night a few years ago. That's been made painfully apparent in this thread alone. Let's hope your boyfriend has evolved enough that he won't be as narrow-minded.


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## seasalt

When next you talk tell him that you will never intentionally allow him to be in a social situation with someone you have had sex with and ask him to promise you the same. The problem won't be your past but if he has to be reminded of it by shaking the hand of someone who had it all over his wife or girlfriend. It's not a matter of shame but one of respect. If the situation will come up again and you can avoid the encounter you should do so or leave as soon as possible.

Just sayin',

Seasalt


----------



## bandit.45

I'm not against promiscuity in and of itself. But there is sometimes a price to be paid for it. Everything a person does has an affect and a reaction.


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## notmyrealname4

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have the feeling nothing good will come from this confession or the one you'll eventually make about your past number. It's just going to keep coming back to bite you in the ass because you WILL probably hear about these things from him again.


Perhaps that will be the case.

But then SueLL will know the lay of the land, and can make an informed decision about whether or not she would be happy staying with a bf. who can't accept her as she is.

Hopefully, her bf. will appreciate her honesty; and any conversation they have will be mutual and result in deeper intimacy between them. Perhaps he's done some things romantically/sexually that he'd feel better that she knows about??

Maybe not, and he will turn into a caveman and treat her with disdain----but I think it's best that she knows that as soon as possible, if that's the type of guy he really is.


----------



## bandit.45

A long time ago I wa reading a story about a woman who was going through the same issues as OP. She had a boyfriend who she loved very much and wanted to marry, but she had slept with well over 100 men in her past. She was up-front with him when things started getting serious and revealed the number. Instead of hitting the ceiling like she thought he would, he was strangely calm about it it. 

As time progressed she noticed he was acting guilty and sad about something. She was sure he was hiding his own sexual history which he would never talk about to her. Eventually she got in his face and asked him how many women he had been with on pain of breakup. Turns out he had only been with two before her. But that is not what was eating away at him, yet he still wouldn't talk about it. Some weeks later he started getting anxiety attacks whenever he was around her and eventually they got so bad he had to be taken to a psychiatrist to figure out what was wrong with him. She was sure he was intimidated by and ashamed of her sexual past. It turns out that he had lied to her about his time in the Army in Iraq. He had told her he had been a mechanic. He finally fessed up and told her he had been a sniper in the Rangers and that he had something on the order of fifteen confirmed kills in his bag. But he wasn't a proud sniper...quite the opposite. The poor guy had untreated PTSD. 

All that time she thought he hated her and it turns out he was scared she would leave him if she found out he had killed people. This doesn't have anything to do with what we are talking about but it is eye-opening.


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## jld

I think very few people have skeleton-free closets. If you think it will be a LTR, better to get it all out there right away and decide if you want to stay with the person based on their reactions to you, imo. There are always more fish in the sea, OP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Looking2Change

I WOULDN'T tell him. If I found out my wife had a threesome with 2 dudes I would be mortified and never be able to look at her the same way. Take it to the grave with you.


----------



## I Don't Know

@SueLL, I realize this might be too late. Hopefully not. 

First off, when you see him bring up the numbers thing, tell him the truth and ask him his number. Something like, "so you asked how many guys I've slept with....." Do it in a fun, we're sharing kind of way. Second, whatever number he says act like you can't believe it's not more. "12?! Come on, a sexy a$$ guy like you?" This is going to do 2 things. You brought it up so now you're not hiding anything or being evasive and you're reinforcing that you think he's the cat's a$$.

Third, when/if he asks for details, assuming you want to tell him (I know you don't WANT to but you know what I mean), say "Baby, I will tell you anything you want to know. But there's a big difference between knowing the overall picture and knowing the details. Are you sure you want to ask these questions? Because, honestly, I DON'T want to relive that time. I don't want to think about being with anyone but you for the rest of my life."

If you don't want to answer say something like "No good will come from sharing details. NONE. I won't do it. You have enough information to decide if you want to continue this relationship or not." and stick to it. BUT you have to have shared enough that he does have a good picture. Like did you ever have sex with a married man, ever slept with another woman, etc. Anything that's out of the "norm".

Anyway, that's my view as a guy that hates thinking about and is bothered by my wife's past.


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## Wolf1974

jld said:


> I think very few people have skeleton-free closets. If you think it will be a LTR, better to get it all out there right away and decide if you want to stay with the person based on their reactions to you, imo. There are always more fish in the sea, OP!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're exactly right and should full disclose because everyone has skeletons isn't the problem it's more what those skeletons are. So this issue for example wouldn't be a deal breaker to me but finding out a woman was a previous cheater would be. We all have different standards.

My only caveat is when people honestly don't want to know. I learned from tam that some women and men honestly don't ever want to know what their partner did in the past. So long as you can make that work great but I never could.


----------



## Thor

SueLL said:


> I'm not sure if I did the right thing but I think I did and at least my conscience is clear.


You did the right thing, as your conscience is telling you. You have to live with yourself forever, so even if you end up losing someone for telling them the truth, you are better off for having told the truth.



SueLL said:


> He's going to come over again tonight. What if he starts asking specific questions? How should I handle it? Especially since he didn't freak out yesterday when I told him about my stupid phase. He really IS a good man and I don't want him feeling insecure or worried or thinking differently about us or whatever.


I'm that guy who learned all kinds of things, including that there is likely much more I don't know about, years after getting married. So here is my advice if he asks questions tonight, which is pretty much the same advice I gave earlier.

First, be fully honest when you answer. Don't parse words, don't use favorable but tortured definitions of words, etc to justify in your mind giving him less than the full truth. If he asks, he wants the full truth not some lie or sanitized story.

But, if he asks a particularly difficult question you might want to suggest he really think if he wants to know the answer. Tell him you will answer it, but only when he tells you he is absolutely certain he wants to know. Remind him that he can't unhear the answer once he has it. I can't think of a good example other than if he maybe asks what you did in the 3-some.

Your other option is to tell him you don't want to answer the question. The only option you do not have is to lie or otherwise deceive him.

Also, his imagination will fill in gaps with the worst case. So, for example, if he asks how many guys you've had sex with, you can choose to avoid it like you did before. You can make him feel stupid for asking in order to stop him from pursuing it. But then his imagination is going to peg your number right on the line between ok and not ok, whatever that number may be in his mind. He's going to think it must be _bad news_ if you won't just tell him. And that is going to cause uncertainty and future problems.

I am in the camp of full disclosure so you can both know who you are really marrying. Since he has asked some of these questions, I think you should not avoid answering. Or to put it differently, I don't think it is good for the relationship if he feels pressured to not get his questions or concerns answered.

Trust requires he believes you will always give him truthful answers. He has to know you won't ever deceive him, and he has to know you always have his back. "Forsaking ALL others" is the marriage vow, which includes forsaking your personal comfort or preferences in favor of the marriage itself. If he feels a need to know, either tell him the full truth or tell him you refuse to answer.


----------



## Thor

SueLL said:


> He really IS a good man and I don't want him feeling insecure or worried or thinking differently about us or whatever.


In general, compatibility would require you both be in the same ballpark with your sexuality. You both would have similar histories, similar likes and dislikes, and also have good chemistry between you.

Idk what exactly is "the same ballpark" because it is up to each of you to decide what is comfortable or not. Let's say your experience is 3x as many lovers as him. That may or may not be compatible. You have no way to know ahead of time, and he doesn't either really until you have that conversation.

So if he accepts your history as fitting with his, you have no worries as long as you continue to show him you love him. He isn't going to think differently of your relationship as long as he sees your relationship as good and strong.


----------



## MrsAldi

Telling him the truth about everything may be a good thing. 
You may come to realise that he doesn't care & can look past it and accept it. 
And if he can't accept then that's his issue not yours & maybe he's not the right person for you. 
You cannot change the past and I'm sure his isn't all squeaky clean either. 
We all make mistakes but accept them, own them & don't let anyone make you feel bad about them. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Livvie

I think it's interesting that so many people assume that a free, single woman exploring her sexuality with a threesome is a "mistake".


----------



## MrsAldi

Livvie said:


> I think it's interesting that so many people assume that a free, single woman exploring her sexuality with a threesome is a "mistake".


I don't know if you're referencing my post, but I was not saying OP's threesome was a mistake. 
My intention was to say we all have pasts & we shouldn't be ashamed of them. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss

What is more interesting, to me, is the rampant false equivocations, minimization, rewriting of the story and gender biased anger which always surfaces in these threads.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Oh and I know you feel you love the guy, but quit calling it a stupid phase. Anyway, two things. 
Make sure you understand he knows the guys, even if it is tangential and don't flip out if he makes some weird requests.
Make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR, you do not want or will entertain a threesome because he feels jealous. 

I'll tell you right now, he is going to ask if it is with anyone else he knows. Yes, the amount of partners will come up again.


----------



## bandit.45

Wolf1974 said:


> You're exactly right and should full disclose because everyone has skeletons isn't the problem it's more what those skeletons are. So this issue for example wouldn't be a deal breaker to me but finding out a woman was a previous cheater would be. We all have different standards.
> 
> My only caveat is when people honestly don't want to know. I learned from tam that some women and men honestly don't ever want to know what their partner did in the past. So long as you can make that work great but I never could.


I agree with you. If I had a fiancee who came to me and told me that she had once done a threesome with two men before she met me, it would sit much better with me than if I found out she cheated on a prior husband. The threesome I can absorb, not the cheating.


----------



## becareful2

Livvie said:


> I think it's interesting that so many people assume that a free, single woman exploring her sexuality with a threesome is a "mistake".


I'm curious, who on this thread is assuming that her threesome was a mistake?


----------



## becareful2

phillybeffandswiss said:


> What is more interesting, to me, is the rampant false equivocations, minimization, rewriting of the story and gender biased anger which always surfaces in these threads.


I'd like an answer to my question that I asked you earlier: would you buy a secondhand car or house without doing your due diligence and finding out all there is to know about that car's or house's history? A serious relationship and potential marriage where two people commit their lives to one another are infinitely more important than buying a used car or house, so how much more should the partners need to know about each other's past? The OP felt this was important enough to ask for advice from internet strangers, but you advocated lying by omission. In other facets of relationships, most here would advocate honesty and transparency but in situations where a partner's past lovers have joined their social circle, you tell the OP to keep it from her serious bf. Why the double standard?


----------



## Good Guy

Well done for telling him. Whatever happens next it is far better than him hearing it 5 years later one night in a bar. I would be OK with it since you were honest about it. Many men wouldn't.

For those talking about the gender biased double standard - don't marry guys with lots of sexual partners ! We're all entitled to our preferences.

There is an honesty double standard - the same people demanding openness and honesty from their partners often are the same ones telling you to keep this one quiet. Funny that.


----------



## becareful2

bandit.45 said:


> I agree with you. If I had a fiancee who came to me and told me that she had once done a threesome with two men before she met me, it would sit much better with me than if I found out she cheated on a prior husband. The threesome I can absorb, not the cheating.


This x1000. I'd rather date a woman with a high partner count than a woman who had a hand in the destruction of a marriage, whether hers or another innocent woman's marriage. If she knowingly dated a married man, that's a deal breaker. If she cheated in a past relationship, that's a deal breaker. I'd rather take my chance with someone else.


----------



## becareful2

I want to ask all the ladies on this thread something: would you be offended if you and your partner went to a restaurant and he ordered for you without asking what you liked to eat? Many would and I wouldn't blame them. He made a decision for you without respecting you enough to ask you first, so you'd be right to be offended. That kind of decision about ordering a meal is insignificant and unimportant compared to a decision made in a serious relationship. Yet, some of you in this thread are okay with the OP making a unilateral relationship decision that concerns her boyfriend for him. Isn't the goal of dating someone on a serious level is to find out if the two of them are right for each other, so why the lie and secrecy? It is not about the meal, it is not about her threesome or slvt shaming her about how many partners she's had; it's about being transparent and respecting the other partner enough to let them know so that they can decide if that would be an issue, especially since the two men have made their presence in her social circle known. She did the right thing by letting her bf know. It is done out of respect for him, and I'd bet he'd rather hear it from her and not from a third party. Most men won't care but some do, and if the bf had an issue with it, then they are not right for each other and should part ways amicably.

OP, you should never let your bf shame you or hold this over your head. Don't let him use this fact to ask you for a threesome in the future. It is in the past and you own it, but you should not apologize for it. Let him know that you disclosed this information because you respect him and want to be honest with him since the relationship has become serious, and that if he is not okay with it, that he should let you know now and not years down the road.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

becareful2 said:


> I'd like an answer to my question that I asked you earlier: would you buy a secondhand car or house without doing your due diligence and finding out all there is to know about that car's or house's history? A serious relationship and potential marriage where two people commit their lives to one another are infinitely more important than buying a used car or house, so how much more should the partners need to know about each other's past? The OP felt this was important enough to ask for advice from internet strangers, but you advocated lying by omission. In other facets of relationships, most here would advocate honesty and transparency but in situations where a partner's past lovers have joined their social circle, you tell the OP to keep it from her serious bf. Why the double standard?





becareful2 said:


> I can't help but equate this advice from you to buying a car. Would the prospective buyer not be entitled to know about the car's history? Would you buy a car without getting that info? Or how about buying a house? Is the home seller not legally obligated to disclose all major home defects and neighborhood problems to the buyer? That's how many home sellers get sued for deceit and misrepresentation after the fact. A serious relationship and potential marriage are infinitely more important than buying a secondhand car or house, so how much more should the prospective buyer have a right to know?
> 
> You are advocating deceit via nondisclosure. Since when is omitting an important fact not considered a lie? Whatever happened to the notion that honesty is the best policy, and "above all to thine self be true"? It's about honesty to herself and respecting her partner enough to let him know before they walk down the aisle together. Many people would be okay with it but some may not, and it's up to them to decide whether that poses an incompatibility problem.


Sorry, people are fluid unlike a house or car so, your analogy is a false equivalency to me. So, nope, you won't get an answer to a loaded question from me. Heck, your response to Ele shows why, your answer will be fluid.

Nope, I didn't advocate deceit, I actually addressed it in my post. Apparently, you missed it.


----------



## Thor

becareful2 said:


> It is not about the meal, it is not about her threesome or slvt shaming her about how many partners she's had; it's about being transparent and respecting the other partner enough to let them know so that they can decide if that would be an issue


It is even bigger than that because potentially a marriage could ensue, along with children, careers, joint finances, etc. Who one pairs up with literally is life changing in the most significant ways. It is decades of a person's life, perhaps the largest portion of a person's life.

My wife took away my ability to make an informed decision when she chose to hide information and minimize things she did reveal. Had I known those things I would not have married her. Those things would have predicted the incompatibilities in our marriage.

One isn't simply choosing a meal for the other person, they are potentially stealing many decades of that person's life from them.


----------



## becareful2

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, people are fluid unlike a house or car so, your analogy is a false equivalency to me. So, nope, you won't get an answer to a loaded question from me. Heck, your response to Ele shows why, your answer will be fluid.
> 
> Nope, I didn't advocate deceit, I actually addressed it in my post. Apparently, you missed it.


You and Elegirl both seem to have glossed over the fact that I repeatedly stated that a serious relationship that could potentially lead to a marriage is infinitely more important than buying a secondhand car or house, so if most people want to learn about the history of those things, how much more should they want to know about a potential spouse? Is that too difficult to understand. I don't imagine it is, I think you're just being disingenuous about it all. You advised her to not tell and says that's not lying by omission. Sorry but where I come from, omitting crucial info is considered lying. Why does one partner gets to arbitrarily decide what the other partner can live with?


----------



## becareful2

Thor said:


> It is even bigger than that because potentially a marriage could ensue, along with children, careers, joint finances, etc. Who one pairs up with literally is life changing in the most significant ways. It is decades of a person's life, perhaps the largest portion of a person's life.
> 
> My wife took away my ability to make an informed decision when she chose to hide information and minimize things she did reveal. Had I known those things I would not have married her. Those things would have predicted the incompatibilities in our marriage.
> 
> One isn't simply choosing a meal for the other person, they are potentially stealing many decades of that person's life from them.


The double standard stinks to high heaven.


----------



## SueLL

So we got together today and I guess it was kind of awkward. He was pretty quiet so I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about or discuss. He said not really so it was like there was an elephant in the room we weren't acknowledging.

I told him again that I don't want there to be any issues between us that we can't discuss and resolve. He looked at me weird and said something like "threesome huh?" I said it was an impulsive one time thing and he said how did I go from 0 to 100 just like that. I think I got nervous listening to him. He asked me how I could get into a threesome with people I just met when by comparison it took us a while to have "a twosome." I didn't expect that so I just said again that I went through a short wild and phase. He basically responded by saying that he never figured I'd be a girl who did that. I think we both got uncomfortable and stopped talking. Kind of strained small talk and then he left to go back to the office. Not the best of get-togethers. Not sure how to proceed and I am really scared that I'm going to say something wrong.


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## Lostinthought61

i hope he can appreciate and see the honesty and sincerity you are providing him. I truly wish both of you well....remind him that everyone has baggage, of one size or another, no one is perfect, we are all flawed and you might discover he is no prince charming.


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## becareful2

SueLL said:


> So we got together today and I guess it was kind of awkward. He was pretty quiet so I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about or discuss. He said not really so it was like there was an elephant in the room we weren't acknowledging.
> 
> I told him again that I don't want there to be any issues between us that we can't discuss and resolve. He looked at me weird and said something like "threesome huh?" I said it was an impulsive one time thing and he said how did I go from 0 to 100 just like that. I think I got nervous listening to him. He asked me how I could get into a threesome with people I just met when by comparison it took us a while to have "a twosome." I didn't expect that so I just said again that I went through a short wild and phase. He basically responded by saying that he never figured I'd be a girl who did that. I think we both got uncomfortable and stopped talking. Kind of strained small talk and then he left to go back to the office. Not the best of get-togethers. Not sure how to proceed and I am really scared that I'm going to say something wrong.


Either he gets over it and accepts you warts and all or he doesn't but never let him shame you. Ask him if he would he look down at another guy if he had a threesome. Ask him if he would have preferred to hear that directly from you or from a third party. Let him know that if he's not comfortable with this part of your past, that you two should part ways. You can be honest and transparent with him while at the same time establish your boundaries by letting him know you're okay with ending things if he's not comfortable with it.


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## SueLL

becareful2 said:


> Either he gets over it and accepts you warts and all or he doesn't but never let him shame you. Ask him if he would he look down at another guy if he had a threesome. Ask him if he would have preferred to hear that directly from you or from a third party. Let him know that if he's not comfortable with this part of your past, that you two should part ways. You can be honest and transparent with him while at the same time establish your boundaries by letting him know you're okay with ending things if he's not comfortable with it.



There is NO WAY I want to end things!!!!!!

I want him to be forever!


----------



## larry.gray

Livvie said:


> I think it's interesting that so many people assume that a free, single woman exploring her sexuality with a threesome is a "mistake".


she thinks it is a mistake. That's what matters.


----------



## larry.gray

becareful2 said:


> The double standard stinks to high heaven.


What double standard? You're seeing things not typed out because it fits your worldview.


----------



## bandit.45

SueLL said:


> There is NO WAY I want to end things!!!!!!
> 
> I want him to be forever!


Well hon, that may not happen. 

In fact, start preparing yourself for the worst. 

But I admire you for being straight up with him and giving him the information to make a choice about what he wants to do. Many women...hell, most women...would have hidden this from a boyfriend. You took the courageous and authentic path and chose to tell him the truth. 

If he decides this is a deal-breaker, then respect his decision and move on. Don't shame him for feeling what he feels. Or, he may surprise you and choose to let it stay in the past. It could go either way.


----------



## Livvie

larry.gray said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think it's interesting that so many people assume that a free, single woman exploring her sexuality with a threesome is a "mistake".
> 
> 
> 
> she thinks it is a mistake. That's what matters.
Click to expand...

I wonder if she would think it a mistake if she wasn't afraid her boyfriend would judge her negatively about the experience.


----------



## becareful2

SueLL said:


> There is NO WAY I want to end things!!!!!!
> 
> I want him to be forever!


It takes two to make that happen. If he had a threesome, do you think he would apologize to you or feel bad about it? Would you make him feel bad about himself? Whatever you did in your past, you didn't do it to him. You didn't wrong him. On the contrary, you did right by him in being honest and respecting him enough to let him know. Give him some time. I think he'll get over it. Most people, men and women, would prefer an honest partner like you.


----------



## bandit.45

The question as to why it took him longer to get you into bed than the two other guys is something that you will need to work out and come up with a believable answer for, because now he feels lesser than they. 

Oh girl....you have your work cut out for you. I don't envy you.


----------



## becareful2

larry.gray said:


> What double standard? You're seeing things not typed out because it fits your worldview.


The double standard is it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.

Take this situation with the OP and her bf. Suppose they get married and he finds out later on about the threesome, not from her, but from another party. He'd ask her why she didn't tell him when they both first met the two guys at the social function. She can say she didn't tell him because it was in her past and it wasn't his business. He could say that he would have appreciated the disclosure from a partner he had grafted his life to, before they walked down the aisle. 

Like I said, I think most partners would be okay with their partner's past lovers but many would appreciate the heads-up, especially if the past lovers have entered their social orbit.


----------



## becareful2

bandit.45 said:


> The question as to why it took him longer to get you into bed than the two other guys is something that you will need to work out and come up with a believable answer for, because now he feels lesser than they.
> 
> Oh girl....you have your work cut out for you. I don't envy you.


We all do things when we were younger that we wished we hadn't. It's part of the growing up process.


----------



## bandit.45

becareful2 said:


> We all do things when we were younger that we wished we hadn't. It's part of the growing up process.


Well, if I'm reading it right the threesome wasn't all *that* long before she met him. I may be wrong. 

Be that as it may, you are correct. But knowing that won't make him feel any less emasculated. It is a legitimate question he has asked, and she needs to come up with an answer he will buy.


----------



## becareful2

bandit.45 said:


> Well, if I'm reading it right the threesome wasn't all *that* long before she met him. I may be wrong.
> 
> Be that as it may, you are correct. But knowing that won't make him feel any less emasculated. It is a legitimate question he has asked, and she needs to come up with an answer he will buy.


If I were in her shoes, I'd say something along the lines of, "I was wild and reckless. I didn't appreciate relationships back then like I do now. It happened and I can't change it. I wish I had made better choices it but I won't apologize for it. Put yourself in my shoes. If you had a threesome with two other women, would you apologize for it or allow your partner to make you feel bad about yourself?"


----------



## Buddy400

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I agree. Stop apologizing to him and shaming yourself about your past as though you did this *TO* him and need to make it up to him. Don't set that precedent. You didn't do ANYTHING to him. You had a wild phase in your past and you regret it. Big deal. You can't reach back and change it so that's that.


I don't get this knee jerk reaction that women are never, under any circumstances, to be ashamed of their sexual past.

A woman should never be be made to feel shame for anything she is not ashamed of.

If she did regret it (which the OP certainly seems to), why shouldn't she express shame?

I loathe Trump and would have a hard time being with someone who enthusiastically supported him.

If they did vote for him but regretted it (couldn't understand how they did such a thing) that would be different than if they voted for him, thought he was a great guy and were proud of it.


----------



## Buddy400

becareful2 said:


> I'm curious, who on this thread is assuming that her threesome was a mistake?


The OP


----------



## Buddy400

SueLL said:


> So we got together today and I guess it was kind of awkward. He was pretty quiet so I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about or discuss. He said not really so it was like there was an elephant in the room we weren't acknowledging.
> 
> I told him again that I don't want there to be any issues between us that we can't discuss and resolve. He looked at me weird and said something like "threesome huh?" I said it was an impulsive one time thing and he said how did I go from 0 to 100 just like that. I think I got nervous listening to him. *He asked me how I could get into a threesome with people I just met when by comparison it took us a while to have "a twosome."* I didn't expect that so I just said again that I went through a short wild and phase. He basically responded by saying that he never figured I'd be a girl who did that. I think we both got uncomfortable and stopped talking. Kind of strained small talk and then he left to go back to the office. Not the best of get-togethers. Not sure how to proceed and I am really scared that I'm going to say something wrong.


The bolded is the big question in his mind.

He thinks that you were more sexually attracted to those two guys you just met than you are to him.

If that's not the case, let him know. 

Explain in depth until he gets it, don't just blow this off or try to happy talk him.


----------



## TAMAT

SueLL,

It's good that you did this no matter what comes of it. You can assume these other men bragged about their conquest.

In a very real sense you and these other two men shared an intimacy that your future husband was excluded from. 

Your BF may feel that you should have revealed this sooner before he was emotionally invested in you, back when he had a choice. He may also have felt like a cuckold when at that party, since he didn't know who else knew. 

On another note you should have told him of the risks of STDs from that time in your life, including HPV which can cause cancer. 

HPV | HPV and Cancer | Human Papillomavirus | CDC

Tamat


----------



## TAMAT

SueLL,

There's also the issue that you did not tell him the number of men you've been with, one danger sign is when a question is asked and the person asked assumes it was ok not to answer. The person asking often gives up and assumes they are never going to get the truth. 

Tamat


----------



## bandit.45

Well one lesson the collective can learn about this...never have funky group sex with people in your own social circle. Make sure you go across town, or to another town to do that crap.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

SueLL said:


> He asked me how I could get into a threesome with people I just met when by comparison it took us a while to have "a twosome."


How did I know this was probably the case. That's why I asked the first question I asked. My guess is this is a huge issue. It would certainly be a deal breaker for me. No guy wants to be second best. You were obviously more turned on by the other guy/guys.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Livvie said:


> I wonder if she would think it a mistake if she wasn't afraid her boyfriend would judge her negatively about the experience.


Just to be clear, if I were her boyfriend I would not judge her negatively for the experience with the two men. I would judge her negatively for the comparatively less enthusiastic experience with me. She had sex with two guys just after meeting them, but she made her boyfriend wait. That says a lot about how her level of lust for each of them.


----------



## bandit.45

I dunno. I've gotten into sexual situations where I wasn't so much as "turned on" with the person as I was just "curious" about trying something new with them, because they offered. I had a ONS with a black woman once. She was pretty, but I can't say I was "turned on" by her. She wanted me to take her home and have sex and I did, because frankly I had always wondered what making love to a black woman would be like. Well, in the dark it was just like sex with a white woman, or a Mexican woman, or an Asian woman. It was fine, it was fun, but definitely not the best I've ever experienced.


----------



## becareful2

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just to be clear, if I were her boyfriend I would not judge her negatively for the experience with the two men. I would judge her negatively for the comparatively less enthusiastic experience with me. *She had sex with two guys just after meeting them, but she made her boyfriend wait. That says a lot about how her level of lust for each of them.*



Or....it could say that she didn't respect herself at the time but she does now. Just another perspective.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno. I've gotten into sexual situations where I wasn't so much as "turned on" with the person as I was just "curious" about trying something new with them, because they offered. I had a ONS with a black woman once. She was pretty, but I can't say I was "turned on" by her. She wanted me to take her home and have sex and I did, because frankly I had always wondered what making love to a black woman would be like. Well, in the dark it was just like sex with a white woman, or a Mexican woman, or an Asian woman. It was fine, it was fun, but definitely not the best I've ever experienced.


The language in her post, that she took a long time to have a 2some with her boyfriend implies that she held him off for some period of time. So she rejected him in one way or another for some period at the beginning of their relationship. For the other guy she not only didn't reject him, but accepted his friend from from the start. I admit that wouldn't be a problem for some men, but for me I couldn't handle it. It's not the 3some, it's the feeling that I'm in 2nd place. Life's too short to not be in 1st place. Especially when you're not even married yet.


----------



## Buddy400

SueLL said:


> There is NO WAY I want to end things!!!!!!
> 
> I want him to be forever!


VERY IMPORTANT

DO NOT tell him that you waited to have sex with him because he was "Special".

Guys really don't like to hear that their woman only has sex right away with guys she doesn't care about.


----------



## becareful2

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno. I've gotten into sexual situations where I wasn't so much as "turned on" with the person as I was just "curious" about trying something new with them, because they offered. I had a ONS with a black woman once. She was pretty, but I can't say I was "turned on" by her. She wanted me to take her home and have sex and I did, because frankly *I had always wondered what making love to a black woman would be like. Well, in the dark it was just like sex with a white woman, or a Mexican woman, or an Asian woman.* It was fine, it was fun, but definitely not the best I've ever experienced.


You made me lol'ed at this.


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Lila

spinsterdurga said:


> Honestly, I would tell him my number if I was in your shoes. *It's a big deal because YOU'RE acting all ashamed and weird*.


:iagree: It was a consensual sexual act between adults. 

OP, if you're going to tell your partner about it, then you need to OWN it even if you have to fake it to make it. Don't feed the shame monger.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Pulling the self esteem card. Typical female tactic for shutting down a man's opinion.


----------



## EllisRedding

OP - Just don't force things with your BF. Give him some space, let him process everything. He will either ultimately decide it is not worth losing you over, or it will be something he just can't look past (I can't fault him for either decision, I don't know how I would react if I was in his shoes tbh). At this point I don't think there is much else you can do, the ball is in his court how he wants to proceed


----------



## Buffon06

OP, as a guy, I think you need to be 100% open and honest with your BF. He will either accept your past threesome and whatever your number of past sex partners, or he won't. Just don't make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

If I was in your BF's shoes, the question I would have would be relative to how you now respond to him sexually. If I was in a serious relationship with a woman who had been sexually adventurous in the past, I would have a hard time dealing with her rejecting me, or only willing to have "vanilla" sex. It would make me feel like she couldn't be really open or comfortable with me sexually, and that would be a big problem for me moving forward in the relationship.

I do think honesty is the best policy, regardless of the consequences.

Has he offered any specifics to you about his sexual past?


----------



## EleGirl

Buffon06 said:


> OP, as a guy, I think you need to be 100% open and honest with your BF. He will either accept your past threesome and whatever your number of past sex partners, or he won't. Just don't make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.
> 
> If I was in your BF's shoes, the question I would have would be relative to how you now respond to him sexually. If I was in a serious relationship with a woman who had been sexually adventurous in the past, I would have a hard time dealing with her rejecting me, or only willing to have "vanilla" sex. It would make me feel like she couldn't be really open or comfortable with me sexually, and that would be a big problem for me moving forward in the relationship.
> 
> I do think honesty is the best policy, regardless of the consequences.
> 
> Has he offered any specifics to you about his sexual past?


This brings up a very good point. It seems that a lot of guys will hold a woman to do anything that they had done in the past. So you (OP) say that you found out that a 2some is not your thing. Well don't be surprised if you now have to do that for your current boyfriend to prove to him that you love him....


----------



## heartbroken50

becareful2 said:


> Or....it could say that she didn't respect herself at the time but she does now. Just another perspective.


Or, as in the case when dating my H, I waited longer with him than with past BFs because I recognized he was different... that my feelings for him were stronger, that he was marriage material, and I didn't want to screw it up by going to bed too soon.
Just another possibility.


----------



## EleGirl

heartbroken50 said:


> Or, as in the case when dating my H, I waited longer with him than with past BFs because I recognized he was different... that my feelings for him were stronger, that he was marriage material, and I didn't want to screw it up by going to bed too soon.
> 
> Just another possibility.


oh oh


----------



## WorkingOnMe

heartbroken50 said:


> Or, as in the case when dating my H, I waited longer with him than with past BFs because I recognized he was different... that my feelings for him were stronger, that he was marriage material, and I didn't want to screw it up by going to bed too soon.
> Just another possibility.


Oh man, I really hope you never told him that. Many guys will hear that and assume they were the safe choice that you settle down for after giving all the wild times to the guys you really liked. If you're going to play those kind of games you should really keep it quiet and hope he doesn't find out.


----------



## TX-SC

Geesh, you guys can debate something to death!

OP, just give him time. It was probably a shock since you say you are generally not the type to do such a thing now. He had a certain perception of you, and it has now been altered. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. He may have had you on a pedestal, and that's not good. With time he'll probably come around to accepting this. 

I had GFs that I had sex with on the first date. I've had random drunk makeout or oral sessions after a party. But, when I took my wife out I didn't even try to kiss her on the first date. I kissed her hand at the end of the date. It also took a while before we had sex. I took it slowly with her because I knew I wanted more than just a fling.


----------



## AliceA

SueLL said:


> He's going to come over again tonight. What if he starts asking specific questions? How should I handle it? Especially since he didn't freak out yesterday when I told him about my stupid phase. He really IS a good man and I don't want him feeling insecure or worried or thinking differently about us or whatever.


Some stuff is just private. I wouldn't give details if I didn't feel comfortable doing so. Just because we are with someone doesn't give them the right to pour over every detail of our lives before we met them. IMO, details about the sex you have with someone should be kept between you and them otherwise you are breaking confidence with that person.


----------



## heartbroken50

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh man, I really hope you never told him that. Many guys will hear that and assume they were the safe choice that you settle down for after giving all the wild times to the guys you really liked. If you're going to play those kind of games you should really keep it quiet and hope he doesn't find out.


But it's the truth! I was CRAZY about him... more attracted to him than anyone else I'd ever dated. And he does know... he asked me why I waited the first night we had sex... and I told him because he was different and I didn't want to be too easy. He wasn't bothered at all... he was flattered.

You can't tell me men don't sleep with women for fun, but settle down with a different kind of girl? I mean, that's the double standard right there, isn't it? Her BF being bothered by what she did before him makes him feel she's not the kind of girl you settle down with....
Pot meet Kettle


----------



## AliceA

SueLL said:


> So we got together today and I guess it was kind of awkward. He was pretty quiet so I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about or discuss. He said not really so it was like there was an elephant in the room we weren't acknowledging.
> 
> I told him again that I don't want there to be any issues between us that we can't discuss and resolve. He looked at me weird and said something like "threesome huh?" I said it was an impulsive one time thing and he said how did I go from 0 to 100 just like that. I think I got nervous listening to him. He asked me how I could get into a threesome with people I just met when by comparison it took us a while to have "a twosome." I didn't expect that so I just said again that I went through a short wild and phase. He basically responded by saying that he never figured I'd be a girl who did that. I think we both got uncomfortable and stopped talking. Kind of strained small talk and then he left to go back to the office. Not the best of get-togethers. Not sure how to proceed and I am really scared that I'm going to say something wrong.


It seems like he is a great guy, but I think he is showing you a side of himself that you only get to see when either things aren't going so great (and there will always be these times in relationships), or when they get to that point in the relationship where they think they've done all the hard yards and can sit back and let it all hang out.

If he can't accept that you aren't some perfect, angelic little lady, that there are some bits of you that are a bit naughty and not so shiny and new (we all have our less than shiny bits), then honestly, it's good to know this now.

When you find someone to spend the rest of your life with, they need to love you warts and all, not just love you for who they think they want you to be.

I also think you need to stop being ashamed of who you are and what you've done. It is what it is. Accept yourself, accept your past and work on letting go of this idea that there's something wrong with exploring what life has to offer. You didn't hurt anyone. You tried something and it wasn't for you, fair enough. No point in being ashamed of trying.


----------



## Buddy400

heartbroken50 said:


> You can't tell me men don't sleep with women for fun, but settle down with a different kind of girl?


Probably. But we were hoping women were better than us. 

Edit: Added the smiley, thought it was obvious.


----------



## EleGirl

Buddy400 said:


> Probably. But we were hoping women were better than us.


It's an unfair burden to put on women. After all, who do you think men are doing these things with? Women.


----------



## Buddy400

breeze said:


> Some stuff is just private. I wouldn't give details.


Unfortunately, she already had, but she left out her "wild period".

It also turns out that these two guys are in her and her boyfriends social circle, so he might have found out elsewhere.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

You think men sit up at night dreaming of being the safe marriage material guy?


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## becareful2

There's plenty of fish in the ocean. If one's not for you, keep on fishin'.


----------



## EleGirl

WorkingOnMe said:


> You think men sit up at night dreaming of being the safe marriage material guy?


Do you think that women sit up at night dreaming of being a sweet virginal marriage material gal?


----------



## heartbroken50

WorkingOnMe said:


> You think men sit up at night dreaming of being the safe marriage material guy?


My H has never been my safe guy. I've been more vulnerable with him than anyone. I've shared more with him than anyone, been wilder with him. But I recognized right away he was the "one" and I didn't want to mess it up. If I know I want a relationship rather than a fling, I treat that person differently... not to be someone I'm not, but because sex very early in a relationship can cloud your feelings as you get to know someone. We did share our number with each other before our first time. Neither was incredibly high but I was still worried about his reaction.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

EleGirl said:


> Do you think that women sit up at night dreaming of being a sweet virginal marriage material gal?




No. And I never implied that's what I look for. Quite the opposite. I want a woman who is at least as much a freak with me as she ever was with anyone else.


----------



## jsmart

It's funny that many on this thread want talk like a woman having sex with 2 men is even remotely normal and that her boyfriend must be insecure if he doesn't readily accept this. Out in the real world, most regular guys are not going to want their future wife and mother of their future children to have a high partner count nor to have had a wanton past. 

Cries of a double standard or of men being closed minded or insecure isn't going to change the revulsion most men feel at the thought of the woman they love being freaks with other men in their past. To be honest, I think most woman instinctively know this, which is why a woman will tone things down sexually when they meet a guy they think is a keeper. Trying to give off the good girl vibe by making him wait longer for it.

I applaud the OP for being honest with her boyfriend. There are guys who won't mind her past. It's best to have a relationship based on honesty. If it doesn't work with him, it just wasn't meant to be. Doesn't make him a bad guy or her an unworthy girl. they just have different sexual standards.


----------



## Buddy400

I thought about this topic all the way home from work.

It's sort of about principles vs. reality.

Should young black men be encouraged to be extra nice to police who pull them over?

In principle, of course not. They're not doing anything wrong and shouldn't have to behave any differently than middle aged white women.

But, in reality, not doing so could cost them their life.

A large number of men (as shown here) might have a problem with OP's sexual past (especially if she just said something like "I didn't respect myself then").

In principle, in some ideal world, her previous actions would have no adverse consequences.

In reality, she's probably losing a man she loved and hoped to spend the rest of her life with (regardless of how unworthy he's deemed by some here). That's a real consequence.

By ignoring reality, she's reducing her pool of potential of partners.

If she knew about these possible consequences ahead of time and made an informed choice, more power to her.


----------



## Buddy400

jsmart said:


> It's funny that many on this thread want talk like a woman having sex with 2 men is even remotely normal and that her boyfriend must be insecure


I'm assuming that there must be a line somewhere.

We just need to determine where it is.

Blowing the basketball team after every win?


----------



## Herschel

Watch Cahsing May. Then tell him, you are either with the girl who did that, or the girl who loves you now and thinks the world of you. If you are with that girl, that's your choice and I am not going to try to change the past for you. If you are with this girl now, you can see it's just you and me and that's all that matters. Your call who you want to be with.

If he doesn't choose you, then don't waste your time. Nobody can change the past and the past made you exactly what you are now. Just make sure that if he chooses you now, you suck a **** like once a week at least. That always makes things better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

SueLL,

What is the wildest thing that he has told you he's done sexually?


----------



## Herschel

EleGirl said:


> SueLL,
> 
> What is the wildest thing that he has told you he's done sexually?


I like where this is going. I think we need a separate rolling thread for this...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974

Ok so you confessed and he knows. Now we wait and see what his decision is. Just make sure he makes a decision. If he finds it unacceptable that's just how he feels and is more than entitled to do so. If he accepts it make sure he actually fully moves on and doesn't bring this up again and again . Acceptance means moving past it.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Buddy400 said:


> VERY IMPORTANT
> 
> DO NOT tell him that you waited to have sex with him because he was "Special".
> 
> Guys really don't like to hear that their woman only has sex right away with guys she doesn't care about.


The problem is that that was probably how it went.....TAM is full with these kind of situations. The logic of the moment at situations is just different from the logic of the same persons on a later point in time.

And logic and feelings are two whole different kind of things for the rational mind. I think the subconscious mind has its own logic that is expressed to the conscious mind as feelings. We see that exampled in the posts about the 'right' of the women to have their sex history kept secret versus the feelings of men about those experiences.

The 'right' of the rational mind is different from the 'right' of the unconscious mind. So even if the most liberal man agrees with all the 'rights' of women to their own privacy, he still can be tormented by the feelings produced by the logic of his unconscious mind about those experiences of her.


----------



## jld

SueLL said:


> There is NO WAY I want to end things!!!!!!
> 
> I want him to be forever!


Sue, I would strongly encourage you to see a professional counselor. Your past is not the problem here. Your unwillingness to let him go, if he cannot accept your past, is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya

Suell,

I commend your honesty. Men do watch our actions.

Even if this guy decides to walk away, it shows that he wasn't right for you anyway. Don't hold a negative viewpoint of him for having his own boundaries if he does walk away. Just accept and move on.

You can absolutlely have very strong feelings for a man that isn't completely right for you... Goodness knows I have had that happened to me a few times in my life.

Be genuine and happy with who you are. Don't lie and hide what you'be done, but own it as part of your life. A man that is compatible will appreciate this aspect of your life and you'll realize that he's miles better for you because of it.

We all have a story and a past. I was honest and owned up to all of my past with my current husband while we were dating. It was a "take it or leave it" approach and I wasn't ashamed or sorry for what happened. I was actually grateful to have gone through the experience so I knew exactly what I wanted in life. I made plenty of mistakes along with the good choices but how else would I have learned?

People ascribe too much shame to what I feel to be natural parts of life. Ditch the shame and live in confidence that you will find exactly what you wish.


----------



## Thor

SueLL said:


> I said it was an impulsive one time thing and he said how did I go from 0 to 100 just like that. I think I got nervous listening to him. He asked me how I could get into a threesome with people I just met when by comparison it took us a while to have "a twosome." I didn't expect that so I just said again that I went through a short wild and phase.


Sorry I don't have more time today to respond to this. I can relate to your bf's position but with the exception of there being much more I was not told about, etc.

Here's how I look at it. You have a long history of relationships from about age 15 when you first had a date or first kissed a boy, all the way up to your now boyfriend. That history tells the story of who you are, what your values are, what your attitudes about sex are, and what your behavior is in a relationship.

One event does not define you. One event does show what your limits are _not_. That is, you are capable of having a 3-some. You are capable of a ONS. These things happened while you were single, so they do not predict you would be a cheater.

On top of that, we all have fantasies. If a fantasy walks up and presents itself, we may well jump at the chance _if it is within our limits_. Sometimes we have fantasies we would never really fulfill, not just sexual but everything. I bet your bf has fantasies outside of what he has already done, meaning he has not fulfilled all his fantasies. If he were single and one of them presented itself, he would do it if it weren't outside his limits.

I expect the things you did would not be outside of his limits for himself.

But these few events during your wild phase are not the bulk of your adult relationship experiences. You did those things but it does not mean you view sex as something meaningless or that you don't value a close emotional bond. In fact you learned from those experiences that you prefer meaningful sex within the bounds of a close bond.

Another thing is that your behavior can indicate your own sense of self worth. He won't value you more than you value yourself. So if you were the town bicycle, he won't value you more than as a short term fling. I think that is what he may be grappling with right now and others here have danced around. He wonders who is the real you? The one who jumps in bed with strangers and has a 3-some or the one who (pretended?) to be "virtuous" and waited for a while to have a 2-some with him?

So I think you emphasize your overall history and trend in relationships, and show how this wild period was short and atypical. It is ok to say it was fun in its own way, but you learned it wasn't fulfilling or meaningful (or whatever it is you learned from it).

And I think you point out that he may have done things in his past such as ONS or other non-sexual things which are atypical and should not be seen as defining him. And that he has fantasies which, were he single, he'd probably engage in if the opportunity presented itself.

One danger you face now is if you become sexually unavailable or unadventurous with him. He would wonder why he is being turned down frequently for sex or why you're being prudish about sex. If you don't find him hot, or if you are settling for him because he checks a lot of boxes on the list of practical reasons to marry him, break off the relationship. He will be alert to being picked as a Safe Nice Guy Good Provider Husband rather than being picked because you love him and desire him.


----------



## I Don't Know

I don't think anyone here has said she's wrong or bad or anything else to have had a wild streak or a threesome. Yes every one has a past, that's a given. There are going to be things in everyone's past that may put off some potential partners. But it's for them to decide what those things are, not us.

Let's say I had been a huge bully in school. I graduate and 2 months later I start dating a girl who hates bullies. If I know this about her shouldn't I tell her? After just 2 months can I honestly say to myself I'm not that person now so she doesn't need to know?

What things are ok to keep to yourself and what things aren't? Is prior drug use ok? Formerly visiting prostitutes? What if I had a DUI accident and hurt someone?

I think it's different for everyone. If I had done all the things listed above, there would be some women that would disqualify me based on one or more of those actions. Some wouldn't based on those acts but might if I had ever kicked a puppy. That's ok. There will be a girl out there that says, "I'm not happy you kicked the puppy but I'm not going to hold it against you."

The past is just the past until it's something YOU care about. I guarantee you every person on this board has something, hell A LOT of things, that would be a deal breaker. Even if it was firmly in the past.


----------



## straightshooter

jsmart said:


> *It's funny that many on this thread want talk like a woman having sex with 2 men is even remotely normal and that her boyfriend must be insecure if he doesn't readily accept this. Out in the real world, most regular guys are not going to want their future wife and mother of their future children to have a high partner count nor to have had a wanton past.
> 
> Cries of a double standard or of men being closed minded or insecure isn't going to change the revulsion most men feel at the thought of the woman they love being freaks with other men in their past. To be honest, I think most woman instinctively know this, which is why a woman will tone things down sexually when they meet a guy they think is a keeper. Trying to give off the good girl vibe by making him wait longer for it.
> 
> I applaud the OP for being honest with her boyfriend. There are guys who won't mind her past. It's best to have a relationship based on honesty. If it doesn't work with him, it just wasn't meant to be. Doesn't make him a bad guy or her an unworthy girl. they just have different sexual standards.*


*

*

Very good points here. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT in our thoughts and beliefs. there are men who marry former or current porn stars, strippers, and hookers. And then there are men who will not accept any woman with more sexual experience than they have had.

OP, you did the absolutely correct thing in telling the truth. In the long run, that will most often serve you best no matter how this turns out.

Now lets be hopeful here and assume boyfriend is just a little shocked. This will come up again, so i would make the following suggestions to you
(1) if possible avoid for the time being parties where these guys are likely to be.
(2) under no circumstances hag out anywhere near them
(3) if they come "fishing" tell your boyfriend and tell them to "**** off" in no uncertain terms.
(4) as stated by another resist any suggestions to experiment by your boyfriend. Probably nothing good will come of that if you do that.

Keep posting as to what occurs now that he knows.

But communication is key. Right now he probably thinks you are one kinky chick and how it will effect him if he marries you. there are probably all kinds of mind movies running through his head. hopefully it will pass.

in todays sexually charged environment, especially for young people, what you do in past relationships other than cheating should not be held against you.


----------



## jld

I Don't Know said:


> I don't think anyone here has said she's wrong or bad or anything else to have had a wild streak or a threesome. Yes every one has a past, that's a given. There are going to be things in everyone's past that may put off some potential partners. But it's for them to decide what those things are, not us.
> 
> Let's say I had been a huge bully in school. I graduate and 2 months later I start dating a girl who hates bullies. If I know this about her shouldn't I tell her? After just 2 months can I honestly say to myself I'm not that person now so she doesn't need to know?
> 
> What things are ok to keep to yourself and what things aren't? Is prior drug use ok? Formerly visiting prostitutes? What if I had a DUI accident and hurt someone?
> 
> I think it's different for everyone. If I had done all the things listed above, there would be some women that would disqualify me based on one or more of those actions. Some wouldn't based on those acts but might if I had ever kicked a puppy. That's ok. There will be a girl out there that says, "I'm not happy you kicked the puppy but I'm not going to hold it against you."
> 
> The past is just the past until it's something YOU care about. I guarantee you every person on this board has something, hell A LOT of things, that would be a deal breaker. Even if it was firmly in the past.


When I realized my husband was serious about me (right away in our relationship), I told him everything I could think of in my and my family's past that might have made him change his mind. I thought it was the only fair thing to do.

And if he could not have accepted it, I would not have wanted him anyway. It is not like I could have changed the past at that point, or anything about my family. My need to have a clear conscience via full disclosure was more important to me than whatever he would have thought of what I told him.

OP, I think you did a great thing in voluntarily being open and honest with him. Whether or not this relationship survives, I bet he will never forget your courage.


----------



## Phil Anders

Buddy400 said:


> VERY IMPORTANT
> 
> DO NOT tell him that you waited to have sex with him because he was "Special".
> 
> Guys really don't like to hear that their woman only has sex right away with guys she doesn't care about.


Yep. Madonna/wh0re with genders reversed. It isn't that you did wild stuff, _per se_. It's the inconsistency with which you approach sex--the double standard you create _for yourself_--that rankles. Can't side-step it by calling it a "stupid" or "wild" phase that you're "so ashamed of" now: that just makes things worse. 

A threesome is problematic to address, assuming neither of you wants to complicate a more serious/exclusive relationship by involving an outsider. But don't expect to compensate by reverting to some image of what a "good, virtuous girl" should be in bed. You'll only create a corrosive dichotomy in his mind. If you _have_ been holding yourself (and therefore him as well) to some more restrictive, prudish standard until this disclosure, then you will need to address that awkwardness & inconsistency head on. 

That freaky wildness on display during your "phase" is part of you as well. Own it and give the best of it to your chosen partner (even if you don't literally repeat every specific thing you did) and far fewer guys will have problems with your "crazy past".


----------



## I Don't Know

breeze said:


> *Some stuff is just private. I wouldn't give details if I didn't feel comfortable doing so.* Just because we are with someone doesn't give them the right to pour over every detail of our lives before we met them. IMO, details about the sex you have with someone should be kept between you and them otherwise you are breaking confidence with that person.


*I agree with this.*

Well you're right but it IS his right to decide he needs those details to be with her.

Couldn't disagree more. Having special secrets between you and former lovers doesn't sit right with me. Breaking their trust shouldn't even be a consideration. If you don't want to give details because YOU don't want to that's fine. However, taking their trust into consideration feels like you're valuing their trust above our relationship.

(All yous, ours, theirs, and mines in the third part are meant in the generic sense and not an actual statement of relationship status between any two members or accusation of betrayal.)


----------



## WonkyNinja

Decimated said:


> The term "devils Threesome" refers to 2 guys and one girl...Google it.


I just did, and you are correct. I had never heard the term before and I misinterpreted it as being a religion based judgmental comment.

I apologize.


----------



## LucasJackson

Dang, I wish I wouldn't have been in timeout before you spilled the beans. I would have told you to take it to the grave. If your guy is somewhat conservative then finding out his love has gotten it on with two dudes at once isn't going to sit well.

Since the cat is out of the bag you have two big problems you need to solve to save the relationship and put it behind you.

1. The fact that you jumped into the sack with two dudes but made your guy wait.

2. That you wouldn't tell him your number. Hell, lie about it. There's no way he could ever verify it. Not answering let's his mind run wild and since you told him you had a wild period and got it on with two guys at once his mind is going to run really wild. The number he's thinking, unless you correct him, could be 50, 100....who knows.

Good luck!


----------



## Openminded

We all obviously have the right to live our life as we choose. And potential partners obviously have the right to be okay or not with what we've done. They don't get to tell us we're wrong and we don't get to tell them they're wrong. It happened. Accept it or not. 

In this case, even if the OP's b/f is okay with it now, there could come a day, maybe many years from now, when he decides he's really not okay with it and he walks. That may never happen but it's up to him if some day he's not okay with it. That's the potential risk in this situation. Especially if he learns now or later that her number is higher (if that's actually the case) and it eats at him for years and years. Some men wouldn't have a problem -- now or ever -- and some men would. Which one he might be is a question he may not know the answer to right now. So the risk remains.


----------



## becareful2

LucasJackson said:


> Dang, I wish I wouldn't have been in timeout before you spilled the beans. I would have told you to take it to the grave. If your guy is somewhat conservative then finding out his love has gotten it on with two dudes at once isn't going to sit well.
> 
> Since the cat is out of the bag you have two big problems you need to solve to save the relationship and put it behind you.
> 
> 1. The fact that you jumped into the sack with two dudes but made your guy wait.
> 
> 2. That you wouldn't tell him your number. Hell, lie about it. There's no way he could ever verify it. Not answering let's his mind run wild and since you told him you had a wild period and got it on with two guys at once his mind is going to run really wild. The number he's thinking, unless you correct him, could be 50, 100....who knows.
> 
> Good luck!


It seems like you've become a different person after you forgave your serial cheating wife. She would have taken her affairs to her grave had you not found out via the OBS. Now you're advocating the OP take her "secret" to her grave. You are advocating that she lie and compromise her integrity. Awesome.


----------



## LucasJackson

becareful2 said:


> ]
> 
> It seems like you've become a different person after you forgave your serial cheating wife. She would have taken her affairs to her grave had you not found out via the OBS. Now you're advocating the OP take her "secret" to her grave. You are advocating that she lie and compromise her integrity. Awesome.


I have changed. I wish I didn't know and she would have been able to take it to the grave. All except for the rape. I wouldnt have wanted her to carry that alone. Shes doing a lot better now that i know. I'm on no high horse about lying. There isn't a person alive who hasn't and doesn't lie. Sometimes it's for the best.


----------



## Married but Happy

becareful2 said:


> It seems like you've become a different person after you forgave your serial cheating wife. She would have taken her affairs to her grave had you not found out via the OBS. Now you're advocating the OP take her "secret" to her grave. You are advocating that she lie and compromise her integrity. Awesome.


I think there's a big difference here. She didn't cheat. She doesn't owe anyone information about her sexual history, nor any explanation. She is wondering if there are situations where it might be better to reveal this private information rather than keep it to herself. And yes, there may be - but she does not OWE it to anyone. Either route may have consequences depending on the character of her bf, his attitudes, and his ability to cope and/or put the past into perspective.


----------



## becareful2

LucasJackson said:


> I have changed. I wish I didn't know and she would have been able to take it to the grave. All except for the rape. I wouldnt have wanted her to carry that alone. Shes doing a lot better now that i know. I'm on no high horse about lying. There isn't a person alive who hasn't and doesn't lie. Sometimes it's for the best.


Didn't you say you served? If so, didn't the military drill things like honor and integrity into you? How is it that you can now advocate the total opposite?


----------



## becareful2

Married but Happy said:


> I think there's a big difference here. She didn't cheat. She doesn't owe anyone information about her sexual history, nor any explanation. She is wondering if there are situations where it might be better to reveal this private information rather than keep it to herself. And yes, there may be - but she does not OWE it to anyone. Either route may have consequences depending on the character of her bf, his attitudes, and his ability to cope and/or put the past into perspective.


A big part of a healthy relationship is transparency and respect. OP has offered both to her bf. If they end up married, he would have a right to know who he's grafting his life on to. It is better that he hears it directly from her rather than whispers from the gossip mill.


----------



## larry.gray

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno. I've gotten into sexual situations where I wasn't so much as "turned on" with the person as I was just "curious" about trying something new with them, because they offered. I had a ONS with a black woman once. She was pretty, but I can't say I was "turned on" by her. She wanted me to take her home and have sex and I did, because frankly I had always wondered what making love to a black woman would be like. Well*, in the dark* it was just like sex with a white woman, or a Mexican woman, or an Asian woman. It was fine, it was fun, but definitely not the best I've ever experienced.


The bolded part is your mistake.

What's the point in exploring visual variety if you turn off the ability to see?


----------



## becareful2

larry.gray said:


> The bolded part is your mistake.
> 
> What's the point in exploring visual variety if you turn off the ability to see?


That's why I lol'ed. :grin2:


----------



## bandit.45

larry.gray said:


> The bolded part is your mistake.
> 
> What's the point in exploring visual variety if you turn off the ability to see?


She wanted it dark. I guess I'm just too damned ugly.


----------



## Married but Happy

becareful2 said:


> A big part of a healthy relationship is transparency and respect. OP has offered both to her bf. If they end up married, he would have a right to know who he's grafting his life on to. It is better that he hears it directly from her rather than whispers from the gossip mill.


Transparency and respect are good things, generally. However, he has *no right* to know everything (or anything at all) about her past, _unless_ they mutually agree to share that information (or agree that it doesn't matter).


----------



## becareful2

Married but Happy said:


> Transparency and respect are good things, generally. However, he has *no right* to know everything (or anything at all) about her past, _unless_ they mutually agree to share that information (or agree that it doesn't matter).


I'm not saying he needs to know all the gritty details but he definitely has a right to know the generic fact that she had a threesome with those two guys they met at the social function. Why? It's because if they end up married, then it affects his life as well. He needed to decide if that is something he can live with or not. Most people would appreciate the courtesy heads-up from their partner. By keeping it from him, she would have denied him the right to decide for himself if it's something he can live with. I would apply the same standard to the man as well. Respect them enough to be straight with them and let them choose.


----------



## BetrayedDad

If I asked a girl, "her number" and she dodged the question, the ONLY thing I would be thinking to myself is, "THAT bad, huh?".

Combined with the threesome knowledge he has already, he's GOT to he assuming it's in the triple digits. 

Just saying OP, you might as well just lay it out on the table and it is what it is. I think he would appreciate the honesty.


----------



## Married but Happy

becareful2 said:


> I'm not saying he needs to know all the gritty details but he definitely has a right to know the generic fact that she had a threesome with those two guys they met at the social function. Why? It's because if they end up married, then it affects his life as well. He needed to decide if that is something he can live with or not. Most people would appreciate the courtesy heads-up from their partner. By keeping it from him, she would have denied him the right to decide for himself if it's something he can live with. I would apply the same standard to the man as well. Respect them enough to be straight with them and let them choose.


I happen to agree with you in this case. In general, I do not agree, as in most cases one's sexual past has no substantive effect on the relationship going forward. If she'd had a threesome in another state with no chance of encountering those guys in their lives, he would have no need - and no right - to know. It would not affect him in any way.


----------



## LucasJackson

becareful2 said:


> Didn't you say you served? If so, didn't the military drill things like honor and integrity into you? How is it that you can now advocate the total opposite?


Did they preach those things? Yes. Did the military live by their words? No. I went to war. You know how many civilians and even other service members we mistakenly killed and lied about it? Heck, David Petreus cheated on his wife. So do 95% of military guys. I didn't but I will no longer judge them. Their lives, not mine.


----------



## bandit.45

BetrayedDad said:


> If I asked a girl, "her number" and she dodged the question, the ONLY thing I would be thinking to myself is, "THAT bad, huh?".
> 
> Combined with the threesome knowledge he has already, he's GOT to he assuming it's in the triple digits.
> 
> Just saying OP, you might as well just lay it out on the table and it is what it is. I think he would appreciate the honesty.


You know, I had only been with four other women before I married. My ex only had two guys before me. That was back in the '80-'90s. 

A small portion of the guys I knew had upwards of twenty or so notches on the bedsteads. The gals I knew maybe half that, if less. 

Nowadays? Jeeez. Young people today fvck like lemmings. 25, 45, 65 partners before marriage? Not a big deal anymore. And with the rise of bi-curiosity, you can add another 1/3 to that number. 

Young people today are freaks. Freaks.


----------



## LucasJackson

bandit.45 said:


> You know, I had only been with four other women before I married. My ex only had two guys before me. That was back in the '80-'90s.
> 
> A small portion of the guys I knew had upwards of twenty or so notches on the bedsteads. The gals I knew maybe half that, if less.
> 
> Nowadays? Jeeez. Young people today fvck like lemmings. 25, 45, 65 partners before marriage? Not a big deal anymore. And with the rise of bi-curiosity, you can add another 1/3 to that number.
> 
> Young people today are freaks. Freaks.


Ah to be young and carefree. I got lucky in that regard. I am by no definition a stud. I'm in good shape but I never had game with the girls. What I did, however, was play guitar in a band in Cincinnati that was semi-famous regionally in the hair metal days. From age 16-19 I had some of the most depraved sex imaginable. Again, not because I was some kind of cool player but because I played guitar in a band. Electric guitars really are panty removers. I'd swear to that in court of law.


----------



## bandit.45

LucasJackson said:


> Ah to be young and carefree. I got lucky in that regard. I am by no definition a stud. I'm in good shape but I never had game with the girls. What I did, however, was play guitar in a band in Cincinnati that was semi-famous regionally in the hair metal days. From age 16-19 I had some of the most depraved sex imaginable. Again, not because I was some kind of cool player but because I played guitar in a band. Electric guitars really are panty removers. I'd swear to that in court of law.


I didn't pick up guitar until I was eighteen. (Sigh). 

I didn't get much action because there were very few girls my age where I grew up (rural), and most were Catholic and their dads wouldn't let them date non-Catholics. 

Now Mormon girls? They were easy-peasy....


----------



## LucasJackson

bandit.45 said:


> I didn't pick up guitar until I was eighteen. (Sigh).
> 
> I didn't get much action because there were very few girls my age where I grew up (rural), and most were Catholic and their dads wouldn't let them date non-Catholics.
> 
> Now Mormon girls? They were easy-peasy....


It was an awesome time. I loved the dude in the white house and the music was killer. I really loved the 80's. With my fortunate sexcapades the best thing that came from it was realizing the emptiness in recreational sex. It became pointless to me. A waste of time. It was every young guy's dream but it was so pathetic too. It instilled in me a value that sex without love is nothing. Worthless. I think that helped me be with one person for 30 years and never even consider sleeping with anyone else. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the grass is greener only where you water it. Now my wife knows that too.

As for this girl, she had some fun. I know a lot of dudes that would not consider a girl that was with two dudes at the same time marriage material. Whether that's fair or not doesn't matter. Everyone is entitled to their own desires of what they want in a life partner. None of us can judge this BF even though I see a lot of people doing that. For her sake, however, I hope it works out. It sucks when our life choices come back to bite us in the a$$. That's why our parents preached to us to make wise life choices.

I'm going to be honest here. I too would not have married a girl that told me she had a threesome with two dudes. Just my preference. We're all entitled to our preferences and there is no right or wrong.


----------



## EleGirl

becareful2 said:


> phillybeffandswiss said:
> 
> 
> 
> You aren't overreacting. Men and women see this differently because of society and gender bias. Here's my thing, the decision to inform your boyfriend is entirely YOUR choice. *It is not a lie by omission AT ALL*, unless you told him you were a virgin and never had sex. He doesn't deserve a timeline, sex positions or any other info unless you VOLUNTARILY want to tell him.
> 
> 
> 
> You liked that post so I assumed you agreed with Am I wrong? To me, keeping the threesome with the two guys who have entered their social circle from the OP's bf is deciding for him on what he should know about her past. I disagree with philly's post because 1) the two guys have entered their social circle so there is a possibility that the bf may hear it from someone other than the OP, 2) their relationship has become serious, and 3) if the serious relationship results in a marriage, the bf should definitely has the right to know who he's marrying. It all starts with the point of view that keeping the threesome from the bf is not a lie, which I disagree with.
Click to expand...

Please re-read what I said. Here. I’ll repeat it….


EleGirl said:


> becareful2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> The double standard is it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.
> 
> 
> 
> Not one person on this thread has said or implied the above. You are seeing something that is not here.
Click to expand...

See you claim that people are saying that it’s ok for women to do something but not ok for men to do it. You were all upset about some imaginary double standard that you claim has been stated on this thread. My reply is no one this thread is saying that “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.”

“phillybeffandswiss” does not say that “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.” 

You can disagree with him all you want. But he did not say anything that means “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.”

I have no doubt that he believes that if the genders were reversed, the same holds.


----------



## Herschel

bandit.45 said:


> You know, I had only been with four other women before I married. My ex only had two guys before me. That was back in the '80-'90s.
> 
> A small portion of the guys I knew had upwards of twenty or so notches on the bedsteads. The gals I knew maybe half that, if less.
> 
> Nowadays? Jeeez. Young people today fvck like lemmings. 25, 45, 65 partners before marriage? Not a big deal anymore. And with the rise of bi-curiosity, you can add another 1/3 to that number.
> 
> Young people today are freaks. Freaks.


Sounds like grape JELLY to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Herschel said:


> Sounds like grape JELLY to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uhhhhhhh-okaaaaayyyy......


----------



## LucasJackson

Married but Happy said:


> Transparency and respect are good things, generally. However, he has *no right* to know everything (or anything at all) about her past, _unless_ they mutually agree to share that information (or agree that it doesn't matter).


I don't think "rights" of anyone enters into it. This is a screening process that we all go through when looking for a life partner. Sexual history might be a must-know for this guy. If so, that's his right and we can't judge him for it. If her opinion is she doesn't want to share that then they might be incompatible. As is she told, and I believe the jury is still out as to how he's taking it. Could go either way until we get more updates.


----------



## bandit.45

LucasJackson said:


> I don't think "rights" of anyone enters into it. This is a screening process that we all go through when looking for a life partner. Sexual history might be a must-know for this guy. If so, that's his right and we can't judge him for it. If her opinion is she doesn't want to share that then they might be incompatible. As is she told, and I believe the jury is still out as to how he's taking it. Could go either way until we get more updates.


Agreed. Every date is a job interview. Process of elimination. You have the right to reject anyone for any reason you deem fit.


----------



## tech-novelist

Lila said:


> :iagree: It was a consensual sexual act between adults.
> 
> OP, if you're going to tell your partner about it, then you need to OWN it even if you have to fake it to make it. Don't feed the shame monger.


Exactly. As Celeste Holm once quoted an unnamed actor, "Honesty. That’s the thing in the theater today. Honesty… and just as soon as I can learn to fake that, I’ll have it made."


----------



## tech-novelist

heartbroken50 said:


> Or, as in the case when dating my H, I waited longer with him than with past BFs because I recognized he was different... that my feelings for him were stronger, that he was marriage material, and I didn't want to screw it up by going to bed too soon.
> Just another possibility.


That would be the worst possible thing she could tell him. No man wants to hear that.


----------



## ABHale

EleGirl said:


> Do you think that women sit up at night dreaming of being a sweet virginal marriage material gal?


My wife did. She told me no, she was waiting till her wedding night. We dated for 2 1/2 yrs. Lots of cold showers.

My daughter and about 5 of her gf's are doing the same thing. Waiting is not a bad thing and it is their choice.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

tech-novelist said:


> That would be the worst possible thing she could tell him. No man wants to hear that.


Yes, but I do not like the manipulation in the girl telling or suggesting an image of herself that leads him to do intended moves.....manipulation.

Do you really advocate that?


----------



## LucasJackson

ABHale said:


> My wife did. She told me no, she was waiting till her wedding night. We dated for 2 1/2 yrs. Lots of cold showers.
> 
> My daughter and about 5 of her gf's are doing the same thing. Waiting is not a bad thing and it is their choice.


This is awesome! Rare and pleasantly surprising this day and age.


----------



## jld

tech-novelist said:


> That would be the worst possible thing she could tell him. No man wants to hear that.


Why is it "the worst possible thing she could tell him"? 

I think it is a high compliment.


----------



## TX-SC

tech-novelist said:


> That would be the worst possible thing she could tell him. No man wants to hear that.


I disagree. I treated my wife differently than most of the other girls I dated. I took it slow so as to not scare her off. I wanted us to build a relationship of trust first before having sex. I see it no differently if a woman does the same. She doesn't want to rush it because what he thinks about her truly matters to her.


----------



## heartbroken50

tech-novelist said:


> That would be the worst possible thing she could tell him. No man wants to hear that.


I don't know... maybe it was just my situation.... Firstly, I didn't make him wait THAT long, lol.... we're talking a few weeks as opposed to the 3rd date rule. Secondly, he really _was _different...like can't stop thinking about you, have to see you everyday different. We we inseparable from the start. So by comparison it seemed longer because we were seeing each other almost daily. 

And I didn't feel I was being manipulative because we spent that time getting to know each other really well, including discussing our pasts which I had never done with anyone but my therapist. I hadn't been particularly promiscuous, but I was ashamed of my number... (low teens at age 22 and fresh from college). But more importantly I had never had an O prior to my H and never tried anything much besides missionary. It was my H who helped me discover my inner freak


----------



## jld

TX-SC said:


> I disagree. I treated my wife differently than most of the other girls I dated. * I took it slow so as to not scare her off. * I wanted us to build a relationship of trust first before having sex. I see it no differently if a woman does the same. She doesn't want to rush it because what he thinks about her truly matters to her.


The bolded was how Dug felt, too, TX, that he did not want to scare me.

Very sweet of both of you to be considerate of women in that way.


----------



## Wolfman1968

EleGirl said:


> Not one person on this thread has said or implied the above. You are seeing something that is not here.


Well, those that have advised her (or any woman) to lie are INDEED making the decision for the man of what he can live with. There's no other way around it.

And there are those who have told her to spill all, those who have told her to refuse to answer, and those who have recommended that she lie. If you think not one person has said or implied lying, then a review of the posts will reveal that you are mistaken.

There are over 7 billion people on this planet. Some people will care about their spouse's history, some will not. If that will be a problem, then move on to one of the other 7 billion people on this planet; but don't deny the other person the right to make their own choice about a mate.

Choosing your mate is one of the most important decisions in a person's life. They have the right to make that decision on ANY basis that is important to them. Someone who LIES in order to deny their potential mate of that decision is just despicable. There is no other word to describe it. 

Instead, say it's none of their business, and if that won't work, move on to someone who doesn't care.
Or maybe tell them the complete details, and if they can't handle it, move on to someone who can.
But someone who LIES in order to selfishly reach their OWN goal is just despicable. And self-centered. I would never want a mate like that regardless of any other attribute. Because I believe they will selfishly justify lies and deceit in the future. And I would be irreconcilably bitter that the opportunity to make my own decision about my OWN DESTINY was denied by a selfish, despicable person.

So, Ele, no, I don't think he's seeing something that is not there. It's there in black and white. For every person who advocated a lie.


----------



## tech-novelist

ABHale said:


> My wife did. She told me no, she was waiting till her wedding night. We dated for 2 1/2 yrs. Lots of cold showers.
> 
> My daughter and about 5 of her gf's are doing the same thing. Waiting is not a bad thing and it is their choice.


Ok, assuming that she was a virgin when you got married, I don't see the problem.

That's different from this case.


----------



## tech-novelist

heartbroken50 said:


> I don't know... maybe it was just my situation.... Firstly, I didn't make him wait THAT long, lol.... we're talking a few weeks as opposed to the 3rd date rule. Secondly, he really _was _different...like can't stop thinking about you, have to see you everyday different. We we inseparable from the start. So by comparison it seemed longer because we were seeing each other almost daily.
> 
> And I didn't feel I was being manipulative because we spent that time getting to know each other really well, including discussing our pasts which I had never done with anyone but my therapist. I hadn't been particularly promiscuous, but I was ashamed of my number... (low teens at age 22 and fresh from college). But more importantly I had never had an O prior to my H and never tried anything much besides missionary. It was my H who helped me discover my inner freak


If you were forthcoming about the reason, and he was okay with it, I can't see how it is anyone else's business, including mine.


----------



## Wolfman1968

When2Leave said:


> I WOULDN'T tell him.





LucasJackson said:


> Dang, I wish I wouldn't have been in timeout before you spilled the beans. I would have told you to take it to the grave.





EleGirl said:


> Not one person on this thread has said or implied the above. You are seeing something that is not here.


To make it easy for you, here's a couple above that have advocated deceit.

It's denying him a chance to make his own decision about his own choice of a mate.


----------



## heartbroken50

tech-novelist said:


> That would be the worst possible thing she could tell him. No man wants to hear that.





tech-novelist said:


> If you were forthcoming about the reason, and he was okay with it, I can't see how it is anyone else's business, including mine.


If memory serves, our first time together during pillow talk he made a comment like "finally!" and we both laughed and I told him I was afraid of screwing things up because I liked him so much... that he was the kind of guy that could really hurt me because I knew I would fall for him once we slept together. 

Not saying that's OP's situation, but it is a possibility that she also might have waited because she thought he might be "the one"...


----------



## Vulcan2013

EleGirl said:


> Is a threesome with two women and one man morally better?


Totally. Natural law or something.


----------



## EleGirl

Wolfman1968 said:


> Well, those that have advised her (or any woman) to lie are INDEED making the decision for the man of what he can live with. There's no other way around it. ….


Your post has nothing to do with the post of mine that you replied to.


EleGirl said:


> becareful2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> The double standard is it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.
> 
> 
> 
> Not one person on this thread has said or implied the above. You are seeing something that is not here.
Click to expand...

So let me state what I was saying in another way for you and maybe you will read it slowly enough to grasp what I said.

No one this thread said that it is ok for a woman to decide something for a man, but it’s not ok for a man to decide something for a woman. 

My post was not about lying, not lying, telling the truth, etc. No one has suggested that something was ok for a woman to do but bad if a man did it.


----------



## EleGirl

Vulcan2013 said:


> Totally. Natural law or something.


I'm sure that's your point of view >


----------



## EleGirl

Wolfman1968 said:


> To make it easy for you, here's a couple above that have advocated deceit.
> 
> It's denying him a chance to make his own decision about his own choice of a mate.


To make it easy for you.... you must have misread by post. What you posted here has nothing to do with what I posted.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Not one person on this thread has said or implied the above. You are seeing something that is not here.


Here's where I got it from:



phillybeffandswiss said:


> You aren't overreacting. Men and women see this differently because of society and gender bias. Here's my thing, the decision to inform your boyfriend is entirely YOUR choice. *It is not a lie by omission AT ALL*, unless you told him you were a virgin and never had sex. He doesn't deserve a timeline, sex positions or any other info unless you VOLUNTARILY want to tell him.


You liked that post so I assumed you agreed with phillybeffandswiss. Am I wrong? To me, keeping the threesome with the two guys who have entered their social circle from the OP's bf is deciding for him on what he should know about her past. I disagree with philly's post because 1) the two guys have entered their social circle so there is a possibility that the bf may hear it from someone other than the OP, 2) their relationship has become serious, and 3) if the serious relationship results in a marriage, the bf should definitely has the right to know who he's marrying. It all starts with the point of view that keeping the threesome from the bf is not a lie, which I disagree with.


----------



## ABHale

tech-novelist said:


> Ok, assuming that she was a virgin when you got married, I don't see the problem.
> 
> That's different from this case.


It is still a point of view and yes she was thank you.


----------



## ABHale

LucasJackson said:


> This is awesome! Rare and pleasantly surprising this day and age.


Thanks LJ. But like you said it is rare now a days. So if people decide to mess around that is their choice. There are good points for it and against it. They just have to deal with the out come of it.


----------



## becareful2

LucasJackson said:


> I have changed. *I wish I didn't know and she would have been able to take it to the grave.* All except for the rape. I wouldnt have wanted her to carry that alone. Shes doing a lot better now that i know. I'm on no high horse about lying. There isn't a person alive who hasn't and doesn't lie. Sometimes it's for the best.


What kind of person would not want to know that their spouse was lying and cheating on them with multiple partners? 

Are you not concerned about STDs? Hell, yes, I would want to know so I can throw them to the curb.


----------



## ABHale

If you can't be 100% open and honest with the person you are wanting/going to marry, then the marriage is built on sand and will wash away someday.


----------



## becareful2

Married but Happy said:


> I happen to agree with you in this case. In general, I do not agree, as *in most cases one's sexual past has no substantive effect on the relationship going forward.* If she'd had a threesome in another state with no chance of encountering those guys in their lives, he would have no need - and no right - to know. It would not affect him in any way.


I disagree with this point. How many times have we read about couples breaking up or divorcing because one partner still pines for their ex? According to your logic, the relationship with the ex should not be disclosed? If the innocent partner knew about that history, would they still marry that partner? Maybe, maybe not, but shouldn't they have a right to know so they can make an informed choice on whether to continue the relationship or not?


----------



## ABHale

Married but Happy said:


> I think there's a big difference here. She didn't cheat. She doesn't owe anyone information about her sexual history, nor any explanation. She is wondering if there are situations where it might be better to reveal this private information rather than keep it to herself. And yes, there may be - but she does not OWE it to anyone. Either route may have consequences depending on the character of her bf, his attitudes, and his ability to cope and/or put the past into perspective.


Sorry but this is wrong. So it is ok to deceive someone or lie to them just as long as you get the ring on the finger. 

OP has already deceived her boyfriend " I didn't think you were that type to do a threesome." Hence all the walking around the elephant in the room going on right now.

Both have the right to know who they are going to marry and that includes sexual past.


----------



## becareful2

ABHale said:


> Sorry but this is wrong. So it is ok to deceive someone or lie to them just as long as you get the ring on the finger.
> 
> *OP has already deceived her boyfriend* " I didn't think you were that type to do a threesome." Hence all the walking around the elephant in the room going on right now.
> 
> Both have the right to know who they are going to marry and that includes sexual past.


I don't think OP deceived her bf at all. She disclosed the threesome. It was her bf who said he didn't think she was the type to do a threesome. Maybe he thought of her as Mary Poppins but that would be on him.


----------



## Wolfman1968

EleGirl said:


> Your post has nothing to do with the post of mine that you replied to.
> 
> So let me state what I was saying in another way for you and maybe you will read it slowly enough to grasp what I said.
> 
> No one this thread said that it is ok for a woman to decide something for a man, but it’s not ok for a man to decide something for a woman.
> 
> My post was not about lying, not lying, telling the truth, etc. No one has suggested that something was ok for a woman to do but bad if a man did it.



OK, if I pursue this any further, it will run the risk of thread jacking, so I'm not going to comment any more except this final general clarification/response.

first of all, your post WAS about lying, because it was a respone to becareful2's comment about the woman "making a decision what the man can live with" BY LYING/DECEIT (the deceit was spelled out in his previous posts which his subsequent post that you quoted referred to). 

becareful's comment was about co-opting a person's right to make their own decisions. He used various analogies, such as restaurant ordering to make his point. The bottom line is that by lying about something which is important to this man, his right to make his own decision about a potential spouse has been taken away by deceit. I don't see how there can be any honest debate about that point.

It doesn't matter that the important "make or break" points may be different for men and women; the issue is that those who advocate lying/being deceitful about this issue are taking that decision away from the OP's boyfriend, whereas no one supported taking away the woman's decision in any of becareful2's examples (even though they were relatively trivial and therefore potentially easier to excuse since they were of lower importance).

So if you're looking for a post that says precisely, "I think women should lie about their sexual past, but men must be honest about their sexual past", then no, there is no such post in this thread. But there are certainly posts that advocate deceit (which I haver referenced), so that the OP can achieve what she wants in a mate, whereas her boyfriend will be denied that very ability to choose his mate honestly by what's important to him. That's enough of a double standard to support what becareful2 posted, in my book.

If you can't accept that reasoning, fine. But I think the implications are very clear from my standpoint.


----------



## ABHale

becareful2 said:


> I don't think OP deceived her bf at all. She disclosed the threesome. It was her bf who said he didn't think she was the type to do a threesome.


She just disclosed after she has been with him a year now I think. He had formed his opinion of her during this time not know about it. It has shifted his whole belief in who he thought she was. Hence him saying that about her and her willingness to do a threesome. So yes, she has deceived him.


----------



## larry.gray

bandit.45 said:


> Nowadays? Jeeez. Young people today fvck like lemmings. 25, 45, 65 partners before marriage? Not a big deal anymore. And with the rise of bi-curiosity, you can add another 1/3 to that number.
> 
> Young people today are freaks. Freaks.


Anecdotally it might seem that way, but t is not. Kids in the 80's were the peak of promiscuity in the US. The number of virgins graduating HS is far higher.

Now the counter to that is among the promiscuous crowd,.the level the go to is higher. My daughter had a classmate that was at 25 dudes by the time she finished *JUNIOR* high. She has a kid and is knocked up again, and is not 18 yet.

Although


----------



## larry.gray

Vulcan2013 said:


> Totally. Natural law or something.


Well there is the fact that there is no questionable.parental lines in a FMF, but there is in a MFM.


----------



## notmyrealname4

Livvie said:


> I think it's interesting that so many people assume that a free, single woman exploring her sexuality with a threesome is a "mistake".



Lol, I think that a threesome is a mistake for every man and woman on earth; whether they're committed, married, single, divorced, widowed.....whatever. I guess that makes me a fuddy-duddy. And I'm fine with that.

But. . . . 



larry.gray said:


> she thinks it is a mistake. That's what matters.



^^^^^ This is the right perspective. SueLL doesn't feel good about it anymore; and that's okay too. Just as it's good to embrace your past----it's also okay to think, " I did what :surprise:...yikes, never again."


@SueLL

Your last conversation with your boyfriend sounds like it was very awkward and strained.

I hope that you are holding up okay. Try to stay busy and keep your mind from dwelling on this. I know, I know, that's easier said than done.:|


----------



## becareful2

ABHale said:


> She just disclosed after she has been with him a year now I think. He had formed his opinion of her during this time not know about it. It has shifted his whole belief in who he thought she was. Hence him saying that about her and her willingness to do a threesome. So yes, she has deceived him.


I think she should be afforded some leeway in that, because it takes a while for a relationship to become serious, and I only advocate this kind of disclosure to a serious partner, and especially if the ex lovers have re-entered their lives in some way, like at a social function. I don't see the point in telling everything about one's sexual history to a non-serious partner.


----------



## becareful2

notmyrealname4 said:


> Lol, I think that a threesome is a mistake for every man and woman on earth; whether they're committed, married, single, divorced, widowed.....whatever. I guess that makes me a fuddy-duddy. And I'm fine with that.
> 
> |


I have never thought highly of any guy who had a threesome, so I would apply the same standard to women. What's different about SueLL is that she cares and respects her bf enough to let him know. That counts for a lot in my book. I respect that, and I'm hoping her bf sees it the same way. Honest partners are hard to find.


----------



## AliceA

I Don't Know said:


> Couldn't disagree more. Having special secrets between you and former lovers doesn't sit right with me. Breaking their trust shouldn't even be a consideration. If you don't want to give details because YOU don't want to that's fine. However, taking their trust into consideration feels like you're valuing their trust above our relationship.
> 
> (All yous, ours, theirs, and mines in the third part are meant in the generic sense and not an actual statement of relationship status between any two members or accusation of betrayal.)


I think that regardless of who you are with in the future, when you are intimate with someone, they have a right to expect that the *details* of your time together are not blabbed to anyone else. To me, it's about respect and consideration and regardless of who I'm with at any point in the future, I will not lower myself to betray the confidence of the people I once knew.

I think DH has the same innate sense of morality regarding this as he would not and has not divulged such personal detail to me either.


----------



## AliceA

becareful2 said:


> Here's where I got it from:
> 
> 
> 
> You liked that post so I assumed you agreed with phillybeffandswiss. Am I wrong? To me, keeping the threesome with the two guys who have entered their social circle from the OP's bf is deciding for him on what he should know about her past. I disagree with philly's post because 1) the two guys have entered their social circle so there is a possibility that the bf may hear it from someone other than the OP, 2) their relationship has become serious, and 3) if the serious relationship results in a marriage, the bf should definitely has the right to know who he's marrying. It all starts with the point of view that keeping the threesome from the bf is not a lie, which I disagree with.


You made the assumption that that person would've said something different if the genders were reversed, then completely ignored the fact that you said that when you were called out for it.

Edited to add: Please note that assumptions are not fact.


----------



## jld

heartbroken50 said:


> If memory serves, our first time together during pillow talk he made a comment like "finally!" and we both laughed and I told him *I was afraid of screwing things up because I liked him so much*... that he was the kind of guy that could really hurt me because I knew I would fall for him once we slept together.
> 
> Not saying that's OP's situation, but it is a possibility that she also might have waited because she thought he might be "the one"...


Respectfully, heartbroken, I think the bolded is the mistake that many women, imo, make. We should just be ourselves with a man, imo. If he cannot accept us as we are, however we are, he is not the man for us.

Sue, it is very risky to put the desire to be with a particular partner as the end all, be all in life. People who respect themselves know they are worthy of love, as Mr. Rogers used to say, just the way they are.

Your life will be much happier if you are willing to let this one go, if he cannot love you just the way you are.


----------



## Married but Happy

ABHale said:


> Sorry but this is wrong. So it is ok to deceive someone or lie to them just as long as you get the ring on the finger.
> 
> OP has already deceived her boyfriend " I didn't think you were that type to do a threesome." Hence all the walking around the elephant in the room going on right now.
> 
> Both have the right to know who they are going to marry and that includes sexual past.


We'll just have to disagree. There isn't deception, just keeping private information private. How can a past threesome have any bearing on her relationship? She is as she is, and that is what he sees - if he likes her as she is now, and the past does not affect their future (in this case, though, it COULD, since her past is local), then there is nothing that needs to be disclosed.

Think of it this way. She's had past lovers. Very few would have any issue with her having a few. It wouldn't even be an issue if they were a week apart. So why does it matter that they were at the same time? It's not even that unusual, and a lot of people fantasize about just such an experience. I just don't see why it's a big deal to some.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Married but Happy said:


> We'll just have to disagree. There isn't deception, just keeping private information private. How can a past threesome have any bearing on her relationship? She is as she is, and that is what he sees - if he likes her as she is now, and the past does not affect their future (in this case, though, it COULD, since her past is local), then there is nothing that needs to be disclosed.
> 
> Think of it this way. She's had past lovers. Very few would have any issue with her having a few. It wouldn't even be an issue if they were a week apart. So why does it matter that they were at the same time? It's not even that unusual, and a lot of people fantasize about just such an experience. I just don't see why it's a big deal to some.


SHOULD it matter? No. You and I agree on that. Might it matter anyway whether or not it should. Maybe. I would not want to be with someone from whom I had to hide. Maybe that is just me.


----------



## ABHale

becareful2 said:


> I think she should be afforded some leeway in that, because it takes a while for a relationship to become serious, and I only advocate this kind of disclosure to a serious partner, and especially if the ex lovers have re-entered their lives in some way, like at a social function. I don't see the point in telling everything about one's sexual history to a non-serious partner.


I agree with you on this. She had leeway on this, sexual past had already been discussed and she left out the wild part. She didn't tell at first to keep from turning him away. Then the two guys show up at a function and she tells before her SO finds out through the grapevine. I think she knew this would be his reaction to it with what she has said in her postings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I Don't Know

If he had been in prison would she have a right to know that?

When I met my wife one of the first questions she asked me was had I ever hit a woman. That was one of her deal breakers. Notice she didn't ask me if I currently would hit a woman. She didn't ask if I would hit a woman in the future. She asked if I had EVER hit a woman. 

Now I believe it's entirely possible that a man could hit a woman once, regret the hell out of it, and never do it again. So why does that matter? It was a mistake. It's in the past. 

BTW. I was honest. I told her that I had never hit a woman in anger, but that my XW and I had exchanged a series of "4 Inch Death Punches" inspired by an episode of MythBusters. And that one time I was angry and threw my keys which did hit the girl I was dating at the time. It was stupid and I never meant for them to hit her, but they did.


----------



## bandit.45

larry.gray said:


> Anecdotally it might seem that way, but t is not. Kids in the 80's were the peak of promiscuity in the US. The number of virgins graduating HS is far higher.
> 
> Now the counter to that is among the promiscuous crowd,.the level the go to is higher. My daughter had a classmate that was at 25 dudes by the time she finished *JUNIOR* high. She has a kid and is knocked up again, and is not 18 yet.
> 
> Although


Well, I did grow up in the sticks....


----------



## bandit.45

I guess they made up? She hasn't been back.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

becareful2 said:


> Here's where I got it from:
> 
> 
> 
> You liked that post so I assumed you agreed with phillybeffandswiss. Am I wrong? To me, keeping the threesome with the two guys who have entered their social circle from the OP's bf is deciding for him on what he should know about her past. I disagree with philly's post because 1) the two guys have entered their social circle so there is a possibility that the bf may hear it from someone other than the OP, 2) their relationship has become serious, and 3) if the serious relationship results in a marriage, the bf should definitely has the right to know who he's marrying. It all starts with the point of view that keeping the threesome from the bf is not a lie, which I disagree with.


Gotcha, you cherry picked half a sentence then applied it to the entire post and conversation. LOL, nowhere on this board have I said another person should hide or not have the right to know. You and others were calling her a liar by omission, I said no, unless you actively lied by saying you were a virgin. By the OP, she had a wild side. I have no clue how their conversations went and what the sex talk was about. Humans are fluid, they could have been talking about LTRs today, casual sex later and then the big talk comes later. I didn't find out everything about my wife during the first or second sex talk. OP then clarified her comments after you misinterpreted my words. By then the false equivocations and entrenchment had begun.

Breeze clarified the whole weird straw man about double standards. I have always said people have a right to know, but society has made it different for men and women. You chose that, with your other misinterpretation to say I wouldn't tell a guy the same thing. Yes, I would tell a guy he isn't lying by omission because they had a talk, where his 3 somes didn't come up, unless he claimed he was a virgin.


----------



## Married but Happy

I Don't Know said:


> If he had been in prison would she have a right to know that?


It depends. If it affects her ability to obtain certain jobs (or any job) or get credit, it affects me if we're pursuing a serious relationship and I'd have a need to know - otherwise it is highly unlikely to matter.


----------



## TAMAT

There is a good chance they made up.

When something which was being suppressed for a long time is revealed there is a sense of shock at first, but sometimes it's followed by a sense of gratitude that that person trusted you enough to tell them. 

This was a vital step if SueLL is going to marry this guy. 

When the preacher asks "if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not marry" those are not idle words, it's also incumbent upon the bride and groom to confess.

Had SueLL not told her story it would be grounds for a divorce later on or an annulment.

I don't think SueLL given the kind of person she is would ever have forgotten her threesome and I suspect she would think of it often when she looks at her husband. If she continues to live around her ex partners would be always on the lookout for men she was with before. 

Tamat


----------



## Celes

If he can't say with 100% honesty he would turn down a FFM threesome with 2 hot chicks, he's nothing more than a hypocrite and you're better off without him. Don't let anyone shame you for exploring your sexuality. 

If he does break up with you, and you start dating again, just keep away from any man who asks what your number is. If they need to know, chances are they will be insecure about the threesome too.


----------



## TAMAT

I would be more accepting of a MMF threesome on the part of my W than a FFM threesome.

Tamat


----------



## becareful2

breeze said:


> You made the assumption that that person would've said something different if the genders were reversed, then completely ignored the fact that you said that when you were called out for it.
> 
> Edited to add: Please note that assumptions are not fact.


Just for clarification, who is "that person" that you referred to in the above post?


----------



## Livvie

TAMAT said:


> There is a good chance they made up.
> 
> When something which was being suppressed for a long time is revealed there is a sense of shock at first, but sometimes it's followed by a sense of gratitude that that person trusted you enough to tell them.
> 
> This was a vital step if SueLL is going to marry this guy.
> 
> When the preacher asks "if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not marry" those are not idle words, it's also incumbent upon the bride and groom to confess.
> 
> Had SueLL not told her story it would be grounds for a divorce later on or an annulment.
> 
> I don't think SueLL given the kind of person she is would ever have forgotten her threesome and I suspect she would think of it often when she looks at her husband. If she continues to live around her ex partners would be always on the lookout for men she was with before.
> 
> Tamat


How on earth is not telling someone of a past sexual experience, that happened between consenting adults, GROUNDS FOR a divorce or an annulment??????


----------



## becareful2

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Gotcha, you cherry picked half a sentence then applied it to the entire post and conversation. LOL, nowhere on this board have I said another person should hide or not have the right to know.[/COLOR][/B] You and others were calling her a liar by omission,[/COLOR][/B] I said no, unless you actively lied by saying you were a virgin. By the OP, she had a wild side. I have no clue how their conversations went and what the sex talk was about. Humans are fluid, they could have been talking about LTRs today, casual sex later and then the big talk comes later. I didn't find out everything about my wife during the first or second sex talk. OP then clarified her comments after you misinterpreted my words. By then the false equivocations and entrenchment had begun.
> 
> Breeze clarified the whole weird straw man about double standards. I have always said people have a right to know, but society has made it different for men and women. You chose that, with your other misinterpretation to say I wouldn't tell a guy the same thing. Yes, I would tell a guy he isn't lying by omission because they had a talk, where his 3 somes didn't come up, unless he claimed he was a virgin.


Where did I call the OP a liar? I didn't and I challenge you to show where I did. 

You stated that it is the OP's right to not tell him and that it is not a lie by omission at all. While technically you did not come right out and told her to lie, you did give tacit justification for her to keep it from him by saying it is not a lie by omission. I disagree because where I come from, that is a form of deceit.


----------



## BetrayedDad

jld said:


> Why is it "the worst possible thing she could tell him"?
> 
> I think it is a high compliment.


This comment tells me one of two things:

1) You are clueless and do not understand men at all; OR

2) You are incredibly clever and trying to bait a poster

What is your deal? Seriously....


----------



## jld

BetrayedDad said:


> This comment tells me one of two things:
> 
> 1) You are clueless and do not understand men at all; OR
> 
> 2) You are incredibly clever and trying to bait a poster
> 
> What is your deal? Seriously....


My "deal" is to post my thoughts, just as you post yours. Expressing a different opinion is not "baiting" anyone.

My post was in reference to someone saying that she had "emasculated" him, correct?

You do realize that not all men see everything the same way, right? Not all men feel they can be emasculated by women. Some believe that the only possible emasculation is _self-_emasculation. This was expressed by some men in a thread I did two years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre*

In most cases, it seems that a guy's sexual past is less offensive to a woman (or might not matter all that much at all), than a woman's sexual past is to a guy. Wonder if that is a social construct type of thing, or are the genders ''hard wired'' differently in this regard? Hmmm....


----------



## EleGirl

becareful2 said:


> phillybeffandswiss said:
> 
> 
> 
> You aren't overreacting. Men and women see this differently because of society and gender bias. Here's my thing, the decision to inform your boyfriend is entirely YOUR choice. *It is not a lie by omission AT ALL*, unless you told him you were a virgin and never had sex. He doesn't deserve a timeline, sex positions or any other info unless you VOLUNTARILY want to tell him.
> 
> 
> 
> You liked that post so I assumed you agreed with Am I wrong? To me, keeping the threesome with the two guys who have entered their social circle from the OP's bf is deciding for him on what he should know about her past. I disagree with philly's post because 1) the two guys have entered their social circle so there is a possibility that the bf may hear it from someone other than the OP, 2) their relationship has become serious, and 3) if the serious relationship results in a marriage, the bf should definitely has the right to know who he's marrying. It all starts with the point of view that keeping the threesome from the bf is not a lie, which I disagree with.
Click to expand...

Please re-read what I said. Here. I’ll repeat it….


EleGirl said:


> becareful2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> The double standard is it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.
> 
> 
> 
> Not one person on this thread has said or implied the above. You are seeing something that is not here.
Click to expand...

See you claim that people are saying that it’s ok for women to do something but not ok for men to do it. You were all upset about some imaginary double standard that you claim has been stated on this thread. My reply is no one this thread is saying that “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.”

“phillybeffandswiss” does not say that “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.” 

You can disagree with him all you want. But he did not say anything that means “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.”

I have no doubt that he believes that if the genders were reversed, the same holds.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Please re-read what I said. Here. I’ll repeat it….
> 
> 
> See you claim that people are saying that it’s ok for women to do something but not ok for men to do it. You were all upset about some imaginary double standard that you claim has been stated on this thread. My reply is no one this thread is saying that “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.”
> 
> “phillybeffandswiss” does not say that “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.”
> 
> You can disagree with him all you want. But he did not say anything that means “it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman but in this case, some think it's okay for the woman to decide for the man on what he can live with.”
> 
> I have no doubt that he believes that if the genders were reversed, the same holds.


No one has come out and literally said it's okay for the woman to decide for the man, but it's not okay for the man to decide for the woman. The part about it not being okay for the man to decide for the woman was injected by me based on other life situations like ordering at a restaurant, where the woman would feel offended (and rightfully so) that her man would decide for her without giving her a choice. What has been tacitly *SUGGESTED* by some on this thread is that it's okay to not tell the bf because it's her business. I interpret that to mean it's okay for the OP to decide for her man on what he should know even if it could potentially affect his life, and I disagree with that. Then I compared this situation to something trivial like ordering at a restaurant and therein lies the double standard.


----------



## EleGirl

becareful2 said:


> I disagree with this point. How many times have we read about couples breaking up or divorcing because one partner still pines for their ex? According to your logic, the relationship with the ex should not be disclosed? If the innocent partner knew about that history, would they still marry that partner? Maybe, maybe not, but shouldn't they have a right to know so they can make an informed choice on whether to continue the relationship or not?


Not all people care about their partner's sexual past.

But if a person does care, then they need to tell their partner what they need to know. You know... communicate "I need to know how many people you have had sex with, their names, what you did with each of them."

Then the partner has a choice to either tell them everything or say that they are not willing to share that info. Then the asking partner can decide what to do.

I do not thing that anyone should lie. But I also do not thing that anyone is obligated to tell anyone, even their partner every detail of their sexual past. They have the right to not disclose. And then their partner has the right to either accept that they will not disclose or end the relationship.

See... I used no genders there. The gender is irrelevant.


----------



## EleGirl

TAMAT said:


> There is a good chance they made up.
> 
> When something which was being suppressed for a long time is revealed there is a sense of shock at first, but sometimes it's followed by a sense of gratitude that that person trusted you enough to tell them.
> 
> This was a vital step if SueLL is going to marry this guy.
> 
> When the preacher asks "if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not marry" those are not idle words, it's also incumbent upon the bride and groom to confess.
> 
> Had SueLL not told her story it would be grounds for a divorce later on or an annulment.
> 
> *I don't think SueLL given the kind of person she is would ever have forgotten her threesome and I suspect she would think of it often when she looks at her husband.* If she continues to live around her ex partners would be always on the lookout for men she was with before.
> 
> Tamat


You have no way of knowing what kind of person she is or if she will always think of the 3some when she sees her husband.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Not all people care about their partner's sexual past.
> 
> But if a person does care, then they need to tell their partner what they need to know. You know... communicate "I need to know how many people you have had sex with, their names, what you did with each of them."
> 
> Then the partner has a choice to either tell them everything or say that they are not willing to share that info. Then the asking partner can decide what to do.
> 
> I do not thing that anyone should lie. But I also do not thing that anyone is obligated to tell anyone, even their partner every detail of their sexual past. They have the right to not disclose. And then their partner has the right to either accept that they will not disclose or end the relationship.
> 
> See... I used no genders there. The gender is irrelevant.


I never said every gritty detail about one's sexual past should be disclosed, but generic info like, "Oh, I had a threesome with those two guys over there. I'm [proud of it, not proud of it] but I respect you and wanted to give you a heads-up since things have gotten serious between us, and it could affect your life as well as far as whether you want to take this relationship to another level."

Isn't honesty and respect two of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship? That is the opposite of what we often read about on here, where partners lie and disrespect their significant other, leading to breakups and divorces. I think it's wise to establish that solid foundation before marriage, rather than try to control the outcome by withholding certain information about one's past. 

Aren't you in the camp that we should own our past? If yes, why run from it or hide it from our serious partner? If no, why put the burden on the partner to ask before disclosure is given? A string of single partners is normal but threesomes, orgies, and swinging, not so normal. How is the partner to know that their SO did abc or xyz to ask them that?


----------



## EleGirl

*Deidre* said:


> In most cases, it seems that a guy's sexual past is less offensive to a woman (or might not matter all that much at all), than a woman's sexual past is to a guy. Wonder if that is a social construct type of thing, or are the genders ''hard wired'' differently in this regard? Hmmm....


It is a social construct. It's something that people are taught from an very early age that has been used to help control women. 

The double standard is stronger in societies in which old world religions form the basis of societal norms. Take for example Muslim societies in which men can do about anything they want but women highly controlled.. to the point that if they are rape victims it's considered their fault.

There are plenty of men and women who are not hung up on the this double standard.


----------



## Buddy400

EleGirl said:


> It is a social construct. It's something that people are taught from an very early age that has been used to help control women.
> 
> The double standard is stronger in societies in which old world religions form the basis of societal norms. Take for example Muslim societies in which men can do about anything they want but women highly controlled.. to the point that if they are rape victims it's considered their fault.
> 
> There are plenty of men and women who are not hung up on the this double standard.


I think social constructs can become "hard-wired".

The rational brain can change to adapt to current conditions, but the limbic system doesn't (at least not for a long time.


----------



## *Deidre*

Both of you make great points about that.


----------



## EleGirl

becareful2 said:


> I never said every gritty detail about one's sexual past should be disclosed, but generic info like, "Oh, I had a threesome with those two guys over there. I'm [proud of it, not proud of it] but I respect you and wanted to give you a heads-up since things have gotten serious between us, and it could affect your life as well as far as whether you want to take this relationship to another level."


One thing that I have learned on TAM is that some guys do want every gritty detail… down the positions, etc. Some guys just want some basic info. And some don’t care at all. I suppose there is as much variety in what individual women would want to know as well.

I’ve never had any man I’ve been with ask me any questions at all about how many men I’ve had sex with any anything about my past sex life. I did not even know that men asked this or cared about it until coming to TAM. The only thing that I thought was normal was to tell who your major LTR were with. And certainly not to tell details. There is a thread here somewhere in which women were asked if any men that they had dated or had LTR had ever asked any questions about their past sex life. Almost all of the women said that they had never been asked anything about their past.

What me and my exes’ did discuss before marriage was some detail about previous marriages/LTRs. It was about what the good and bad was in the relationships, why they failed, and about our ex’s cheating. I’m far more interested in this then in the rolls in the hay that he’d had some someone while single.

There was no talk about sex lives. Now my ex2 did tell me about a 3some he had in England while on leave. It was an entertaining story... how it happened to come about. 



becareful2 said:


> Isn't honesty and respect two of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship? That is the opposite of what we often read about on here, where partners lie and disrespect their significant other, leading to breakups and divorces. I think it's wise to establish that solid foundation before marriage, rather than try to control the outcome by withholding certain information about one's past.


I agree that an honest foundation is necessary. But I don’t think that means that a person has to disclose even every person they ever had sex with. If their partner wants to know this, they need to outright ask. 

I’m not sure why you have a problem with the idea that if a person wants to know about their partner’s past sexual life, they need to ask for the kind of info they need. It’s wrong to just assume that your partner knows what info you think is important.



becareful2 said:


> Aren't you in the camp that we should own our past? If yes, why run from it or hide it from our serious partner? If no, why put the burden on the partner to ask before disclosure is given? A string of single partners is normal but threesomes, orgies, and swinging, not so normal. How is the partner to know that their SO did abc or xyz to ask them that?


Before I answer this… what are the details that you think a person needs to disclose to their partner? At what point in the relationship should this be disclosed?


----------



## ButtPunch

Why the double standard? Look in the mirror.

Men don't feel the same way about "****s" as women feel about "studs".

I don't think it is purely social construct either.


----------



## WonkyNinja

LucasJackson said:


> Ah to be young and carefree. I got lucky in that regard. I am by no definition a stud. I'm in good shape but I never had game with the girls. What I did, however, was play guitar in a band in Cincinnati that was semi-famous regionally in the hair metal days. * From age 16-19 I had some of the most depraved sex imaginable.* Again, not because I was some kind of cool player but because I played guitar in a band. Electric guitars really are panty removers. I'd swear to that in court of law.





LucasJackson said:


> It was an awesome time. I loved the dude in the white house and the music was killer. I really loved the 80's. *With my fortunate sexcapades *the best thing that came from it was realizing the emptiness in recreational sex. It became pointless to me. A waste of time. It was every young guy's dream but it was so pathetic too. It instilled in me a value that sex without love is nothing. Worthless. I think that helped me be with one person for 30 years and never even consider sleeping with anyone else. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the grass is greener only where you water it. Now my wife knows that too.
> 
> As for this girl, she had some fun. I know a lot of dudes that would not consider a girl that was with two dudes at the same time marriage material. Whether that's fair or not doesn't matter. Everyone is entitled to their own desires of what they want in a life partner. None of us can judge this BF even though I see a lot of people doing that. For her sake, however, I hope it works out. It sucks when our life choices come back to bite us in the a$$. That's why our parents preached to us to make wise life choices.
> 
> *I'm going to be honest here. I too would not have married a girl that told me she had a threesome with two dudes. *Just my preference. We're all entitled to our preferences and there is no right or wrong.


You are totally correct, we are all entitled to our preferences, and I'm so glad that you got to experience your depraved sex and the fortunate sexcapades that allowed you the freedom to know that you wouldn't accept a girl with a similar same sexual history to yourself.

There is right and wrong when you decide that you will apply a standard to someone else that you won't adhere to yourself. 

Unfortunately I think if I refer to you as a complete hypocrite I will end up getting banned, so I must refrain from doing so.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Before I answer this… what are the details that you think a person needs to disclose to their partner? At what point in the relationship should this be disclosed?


If the relationship was serious and I was contemplating an engagement, I'd want to know the generic details, like if the partner ever had a threesome, orgies, or swing, or even with a relative. I don't need to know the specific details. I would more importantly want to know if they've ever knowingly dated a married man or have ever cheated on anyone. Yes, no, etc...

The OP's situation bothered her enough to ask for advice, so I suggested that she tells her bf now while the memories are fresh in his mind, rather than wait 3 years down the road during their engagement period or for him to hear it from other people.


----------



## LucasJackson

WonkyNinja said:


> You are totally correct, we are all entitled to our preferences, and I'm so glad that you got to experience your depraved sex and the fortunate sexcapades that allowed you the freedom to know that you wouldn't accept a girl with a similar same sexual history to yourself.
> 
> There is right and wrong when you decide that you will apply a standard to someone else that you won't adhere to yourself.
> 
> Unfortunately I think if I refer to you as a complete hypocrite I will end up getting banned, so I must refrain from doing so.


We're all hypocrites. Every human being that has ever lived.


----------



## becareful2

LucasJackson said:


> We're all hypocrites. Every human being that has ever lived.


Especially the ones who claim they don't judge. 0


----------



## EleGirl

becareful2 said:


> If the relationship was serious and I was contemplating an engagement, I'd want to know the generic details, like if the partner ever had a threesome, orgies, or swing, or even with a relative. I don't need to know the specific details. I would more importantly want to know if they've ever knowingly dated a married man or have ever cheated on anyone. Yes, no, etc...


Some people want to know the number of people their SO has had. Some want to know the details down to the sex acts. Some people don't care. How is the person supposed to know what you want to know if you don't ask them?

I've never been asked anything about my sexual past. LTR have come up but that's about it. 



becareful2 said:


> The OP's situation bothered her enough to ask for advice, so I suggested that she tells her bf now while the memories are fresh in his mind, rather than wait 3 years down the road during their engagement period or for him to hear it from other people.


Yes the OP asked about it. That's what this thread is about. Since the guys are in her social circle, it makes sense to tell him. But, she has the option to not tell him and leave him. She chose to tell him. My bet is that it is not going to turnout well in that he's going to dump her or worse.


----------



## EleGirl

LucasJackson said:


> Ah to be young and carefree. I got lucky in that regard. I am by no definition a stud. I'm in good shape but I never had game with the girls. What I did, however, was play guitar in a band in Cincinnati that was semi-famous regionally in the hair metal days. * From age 16-19 I had some of the most depraved sex imaginable.* Again, not because I was some kind of cool player but because I played guitar in a band. Electric guitars really are panty removers. I'd swear to that in court of law.





LucasJackson said:


> It was an awesome time. I loved the dude in the white house and the music was killer. I really loved the 80's. *With my fortunate sexcapades *the best thing that came from it was realizing the emptiness in recreational sex. It became pointless to me. A waste of time. It was every young guy's dream but it was so pathetic too. It instilled in me a value that sex without love is nothing. Worthless. I think that helped me be with one person for 30 years and never even consider sleeping with anyone else. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the grass is greener only where you water it. Now my wife knows that too.
> 
> As for this girl, she had some fun. I know a lot of dudes that would not consider a girl that was with two dudes at the same time marriage material. Whether that's fair or not doesn't matter. Everyone is entitled to their own desires of what they want in a life partner. None of us can judge this BF even though I see a lot of people doing that. For her sake, however, I hope it works out. It sucks when our life choices come back to bite us in the a$$. That's why our parents preached to us to make wise life choices.
> 
> *I'm going to be honest here. I too would not have married a girl that told me she had a threesome with two dudes. *Just my preference. We're all entitled to our preferences and there is no right or wrong.





WonkyNinja said:


> You are totally correct, we are all entitled to our preferences, and I'm so glad that you got to experience your depraved sex and the fortunate sexcapades that allowed you the freedom to know that you wouldn't accept a girl with a similar same sexual history to yourself.
> 
> There is right and wrong when you decide that you will apply a standard to someone else that you won't adhere to yourself.


LucasJackson… we all get to decide what is important to us. If I was with a guy who told me what you posted above, that would be the end of the relationship. The fact that you know that you were able to learn from the experience and move on to a different kind of life, but cannot afford that same ‘forgiveness’ to someone else is, to me, is unacceptable. 


We are all entitled to our own preferences. There are things that are more important than an action a person took in the past that is indeed in the past.


----------



## Buddy400

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that it is not going to turnout well in that he's going to dump her or worse.


Me too


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

becareful2 said:


> I never said every gritty detail about one's sexual past should be disclosed, but generic info like, "Oh, I had a threesome with those two guys over there. I'm [proud of it, not proud of it] but I respect you and wanted to give you a heads-up since things have gotten serious between us, and it could affect your life as well as far as whether you want to take this relationship to another level."
> 
> Isn't honesty and respect two of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship? That is the opposite of what we often read about on here, where partners lie and disrespect their significant other, leading to breakups and divorces. I think it's wise to establish that solid foundation before marriage, rather than try to control the outcome by withholding certain information about one's past.
> 
> Aren't you in the camp that we should own our past? If yes, why run from it or hide it from our serious partner? If no, why put the burden on the partner to ask before disclosure is given? A string of single partners is normal but threesomes, orgies, and swinging, not so normal. How is the partner to know that their SO did abc or xyz to ask them that?


Thank you, NOW, I see the disconnect. No, this isn't sarcasm, I now see why my post has all of this extra implied meaning to you.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> But, she has the option to not tell him and leave him.


Yes, this is an option but to stay and keep this from him would be lying by omission, imo.


----------



## sidney2718

LucasJackson said:


> I don't think "rights" of anyone enters into it. This is a screening process that we all go through when looking for a life partner. *Sexual history might be a must-know for this guy.* If so, that's his right and we can't judge him for it. If her opinion is she doesn't want to share that then they might be incompatible. As is she told, and I believe the jury is still out as to how he's taking it. Could go either way until we get more updates.


I mainly agree with you, but if sexual history was a must-know, I'd think he should have asked.


----------



## Buddy400

EleGirl said:


> LucasJackson… we all get to decide what is important to us. If I was with a guy who told me what you posted above, that would be the end of the relationship. The fact that you know that you were able to learn from the experience and move on to a different kind of life, but cannot afford that same ‘forgiveness’ to someone else is, to me, is unacceptable.
> 
> 
> We are all entitled to our own preferences. There are things that are more important than an action a person took in the past that is indeed in the past.


There's a lot to unpack here.

I'm guessing @EleGirl, that you would end the relationship based on his hypocrisy rather than the fact that he had "fortunate sexcapades"?If so, that makes sense. If it were just the fact that he had the "sexcapades",not so much.

He "learned" from it that emotionless, uninvolved sex wasn't something he wanted.

If the OP was my girlfriend, I'd be very interested in what she "learned" from her "wild period".

If she told me that she found out that being sexually "wild" wasn't for her, and she now knew what she really wanted, I'd probably be okay with it.

If she told me (as it seems many here are recommending) that she didn't regret a thing; it's just who she was; it was because she "didn't respect herself then", etc. I probably wouldn't be okay with it. 

I guess it all comes down to how much I believe that she doesn't want to repeat the experiences.


----------



## Buddy400

sidney2718 said:


> I mainly agree with you, but if sexual history was a must-know, I'd think he should have asked.


He did.

OP says they discussed this earlier but that she left out her "wild period".


----------



## sidney2718

EleGirl said:


> Not all people care about their partner's sexual past.
> 
> But if a person does care, then they need to tell their partner what they need to know. You know... communicate "I need to know how many people you have had sex with, their names, what you did with each of them."
> 
> Then the partner has a choice to either tell them everything or say that they are not willing to share that info. Then the asking partner can decide what to do.
> 
> I do not thing that anyone should lie. But I also do not thing that anyone is obligated to tell anyone, even their partner every detail of their sexual past. They have the right to not disclose. And then their partner has the right to either accept that they will not disclose or end the relationship.
> 
> See... I used no genders there. The gender is irrelevant.


Exactly so. For me the important issue is that if you need to know something about your partner, you need to ask.


----------



## sidney2718

Buddy400 said:


> He did.
> 
> OP says they discussed this earlier but that she left out her "wild period".


Thanks. I missed that. Her bad. The lying about it will probably hurt more than the deed itself.


----------



## EleGirl

Buddy400 said:


> There's a lot to unpack here.
> 
> I'm guessing @EleGirl, that you would end the relationship based on his hypocrisy rather than the fact that he had "fortunate sexcapades"?If so, that makes sense. If it were just the fact that he had the "sexcapades",not so much.
> 
> He "learned" from it that emotionless, uninvolved sex wasn't something he wanted.
> 
> If the OP was my girlfriend, I'd be very interested in what she "learned" from her "wild period".
> 
> If she told me that she found out that being sexually "wild" wasn't for her, and she now knew what she really wanted, I'd probably be okay with it.
> 
> If she told me (as it seems many here are recommending) that she didn't regret a thing; it's just who she was; it was because she "didn't respect herself then", etc. I probably wouldn't be okay with it.
> 
> I guess it all comes down to how much I believe that she doesn't want to repeat the experiences.


Yes, I would end the relationship based on his hypocrisy rather than the fact that he had "fortunate sexcapades".


----------



## AliceA

becareful2 said:


> Just for clarification, who is "that person" that you referred to in the above post?


The person you referenced.


----------



## jsmart

*Deidre* said:


> In most cases, it seems that a guy's sexual past is less offensive to a woman (or might not matter all that much at all), than a woman's sexual past is to a guy. Wonder if that is a social construct type of thing, or are the genders ''hard wired'' differently in this regard? Hmmm....





ButtPunch said:


> Why the double standard? Look in the mirror.
> 
> *Men don't feel the same way about "****s" as women feel about "studs".*
> 
> I don't think it is purely social construct either.


Men across the board are more concerned about this than women are. It has nothing to do with social constructs or double standards.

A man that can successfully bed a lot of women is highly desired by women. Women are not turned on by the idea of being with a virgin. If anything, he'll be seen as a loser. Society is not telling woman to feel this way. It's ingrained deeply in a female to choose the best candidate for her eggs. A "stud" is a proven commodity. Even though a woman is not consciously thinking of such things, her inner animal mind always is.

Men have different concerns than women. Every woman knows that any kid she gives birth to is hers. A man will not know that for sure. A promiscuous woman has a higher probability to be unfaithful and possibly get pregnant causing the man to support another man's child. This is also not a social construct. Just because woman don't care about this doesn't make it unimportant to men.


----------



## *Deidre*

jsmart said:


> Men across the board are more concerned about this than women are. It has nothing to do with social constructs or double standards.
> 
> A man that can successfully bed a lot of women is highly desired by women. Women are not turned on by the idea of being with a virgin. If anything, he'll be seen as a loser. Society is not telling woman to feel this way. It's ingrained deeply in a female to choose the best candidate for her eggs. A "stud" is a proven commodity. Even though a woman is not consciously thinking of such things, her inner animal mind always is.


 I would never look at a guy whose never had sex as a 'loser, however I've been in relationships with mainly guys who have had their pick of women, and they have slept with quite a few of them. Not every single guy, but most were like this. So this is subliminally attractive to me, you say? lol :surprise: 



> Men have different concerns than women. Every woman knows that any kid she gives birth to is hers. A man will not know that for sure. A promiscuous woman has a higher probability to be unfaithful and possibly get pregnant causing the man to support another man's child. This is also not a social construct. Just because woman don't care about this doesn't make it unimportant to men.


Very enlightening, I'd be interested to see what the others here think about what you're saying.


----------



## EleGirl

jsmart said:


> Men across the board are more concerned about this than women are. It has nothing to do with social constructs or double standards.
> 
> A man that can successfully bed a lot of women is highly desired by women. Women are not turned on by the idea of being with a virgin. If anything, he'll be seen as a loser. Society is not telling woman to feel this way. It's ingrained deeply in a female to choose the best candidate for her eggs. A "stud" is a proven commodity. Even though a woman is not consciously thinking of such things, her inner animal mind always is.
> 
> Men have different concerns than women. Every woman knows that any kid she gives birth to is hers. A man will not know that for sure. A promiscuous woman has a higher probability to be unfaithful and possibly get pregnant causing the man to support another man's child. This is also not a social construct. Just because woman don't care about this doesn't make it unimportant to men.


No, most women do not find man-wh0res to be more desirable. Men think women do. As a rule we don't.

{ETA: Just because a man has sex with a lot of women does not mean that he is the best candidate for fertilizing a woman's eggs. The man who will stay around and help the woman raise the child is the best candidate.. as long as he meets other things like treats her will, is intelligent enough, has a sense of humor, does not cheat, etc.}

Now we are ok with men who have had some sex before marriage, but not men who bed a lot of women. They tend to be users of women.

The sex a woman has before marriage (or before a relationship) has no bearing on any children that she has with her husband/SO. Human females are not like rabbits. We do not store sperm and so that we can keep having litter after litter from some male we had sex with in the past.


----------



## AliceA

Buddy400 said:


> I think social constructs can become "hard-wired".
> 
> The rational brain can change to adapt to current conditions, but the limbic system doesn't (at least not for a long time.


I agree. There are many things we hear as we are growing up that sound like they are well-established facts, but are in fact, just BS. These ideas will influence a person all through their adult life. A man might be told that women are the nurturers in our society and not consider being the SAHP when he eventually has a family. A girl might be told that women aren't as good as men at maths and automatically steer towards more traditionally female roles because she doesn't believe she can be as good. Then those decisions support the ideas that led them down that path to start with. It's only when people buck these apparently "hard-wired" norms that other people start to see that maybe it was just BS to start with and ended up like self fulfilling prophecy. Tell someone something enough and they will believe it.


----------



## ButtPunch

EleGirl said:


> No, most women do not find man-wh0res to be more desirable. Men think women do. As a rule we don't.
> 
> Now we are ok with men who have had some sex before marriage, but not men who bed a lot of women. They tend to be users of women.
> 
> The sex a woman has before marriage (or before a relationship) has no bearing on any children that she has with her husband/SO. Human females are not like rabbits. We do not store sperm and so that we can keep having litter after litter from some male we had sex with in the past.


We will have to agree to disagree on this one then. 

I remember the athletes in college bedding women after women and the girls would keep coming. The guys in a good band same thing. The women didn't care they were man wh0res in the least. 

Men however do care.


----------



## larry.gray

bandit.45 said:


> Well, I did grow up in the sticks....


That's clearly a factor. My wife grew up in the sticks and her experience was like yours. I grew up in a fairly big city and highschool and college was hook-up city.


----------



## jsmart

EleGirl said:


> No, most women do not find man-wh0res to be more desirable. Men think women do. As a rule we don't.
> 
> {ETA: Just because a man has sex with a lot of women does not mean that he is the best candidate for fertilizing a woman's eggs. The man who will stay around and help the woman raise the child is the best candidate.. as long as he meets other things like treats her will, is intelligent enough, has a sense of humor, does not cheat, etc.}
> 
> Now we are ok with men who have had some sex before marriage, but not men who bed a lot of women. They tend to be users of women.


From what I've seen in real life and on-line, the men that do very well with the woman, are doucheir than average. Women consistently say they're not into the bad boys or the jerks but their actions say something else. 

There's an expression out there that goes "alpha fvcks / beta bucks." Meaning that many women will give their best sexually to the "alphas" including carrying their kids while they're young and beautiful and then when her looks are fading and no longer able to pull the bad boys for more than a month, she settles down with a beta, who supplies the bucks($) 

I know I know, Not All Woman Are Like That. I choose to believe peoples actions more than their words.


----------



## AliceA

ButtPunch said:


> We will have to agree to disagree on this one then.
> 
> I remember the athletes in college bedding women after women and the girls would keep coming. The guys in a good band same thing. The women didn't care they were man wh0res in the least.
> 
> Men however do care.


I care, and I'm female. Someone else's actions and choices do not define me, or my entire gender.

The men in those instances were also bedding woman after woman who was bedding man after man, yet apparently, this doesn't prove the same theory in reverse, so to me, your whole perspective seems severely skewed.

I think everyone is entitled to do what they want, but I have never dated someone I didn't feel had the same values in life as me. If they had tested the waters and found they were not to their liking, that's different. If they had tested the waters and found that was where they wanted to be, then I wasn't on the same page as them.


----------



## Thor

Wolfman1968 said:


> Instead, say it's none of their business, and if that won't work, move on to someone who doesn't care.
> Or maybe tell them the complete details, and if they can't handle it, move on to someone who can.


And, perhaps a person grows when confronted with uncomfortable information about their SO. They find out he/she had a ONS, or his/her number is larger than they guessed it would be. Or they were in a FWB relationship. Or whatever it is which pushes their comfort zone a bit.

Maybe it becomes a moment of self reflection on what is really important in who they choose as a mate.

Truth is. We can't control other people's reaction to truth, nor should we protect adults from the truth.


----------



## becareful2

breeze said:


> The person you referenced.


I've referenced a number of people in this thread. Could you be more specific?


----------



## Thor

I Don't Know said:


> If he had been in prison would she have a right to know that?
> 
> When I met my wife one of the first questions she asked me was had I ever hit a woman. That was one of her deal breakers. Notice she didn't ask me if I currently would hit a woman. She didn't ask if I would hit a woman in the future. She asked if I had EVER hit a woman.


A survey recently reported on found that most women would disqualify a man as a potential husband if he had a previous gay sexual experience as an adult. For whatever reason this triggers something in a lot of women, whereas a high number of female partners doesn't. Yet for men, a woman with a large number is a disqualifier but her trying a lesbian sexual encounter is not.

A man is certainly entitled to explore his sexuality, including trying a gay encounter, but he should be aware of the potential future social consequences. Fair or not, women will judge him for it. A woman is certainly entitled to explore her sexuality with promiscuity, but she should be aware of the potential future consequences.

Be true to yourself and don't apologize for it, but also recognize there are consequences for actions.


----------



## EleGirl

ButtPunch said:


> We will have to agree to disagree on this one then.
> 
> I remember the athletes in college bedding women after women and the girls would keep coming. The guys in a good band same thing. The women didn't care they were man wh0res in the least.
> 
> Men however do care.


The group of girls who those guys were bedding is a small subset of girls. They do not define what all women, or most women do.

Note that they were not looking to have these guys fertilize theirs eggs. The girls were just looking for sex with guys who they thought were fun to have sex with. Who did those girls marry? Probably not those same guys.. who eventually did not look like such good catches after all.


----------



## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Not all people care about their partner's sexual past.
> 
> But if a person does care, then they need to tell their partner what they need to know. You know... communicate "I need to know how many people you have had sex with, their names, what you did with each of them."
> 
> Then the partner has a choice to either tell them everything or say that they are not willing to share that info. Then the asking partner can decide what to do.
> 
> I do not thing that anyone should lie. But I also do not thing that anyone is obligated to tell anyone, even their partner every detail of their sexual past. *They have the right to not disclose. *And then their partner has the right to either accept that they will not disclose or end the relationship.
> 
> See... I used no genders there. The gender is irrelevant.


They have the right to not disclose and end the relationship. [agree]

They have the right to not disclose specific, gritty details. [agree]

Do they have the right to not disclose but stay in the relationship when it becomes serious, when they end up engaged, when they get married? Where does respect and honesty apply in that scenario? Why do you put the onus on the unsuspecting partner to ask, even if the knowledge of that sexual history could potentially affect their life?

Let's use a hypothetical scenario with the OP and her bf. They get serious and move in together. The bf later finds out that one of the OP's ex's just moved in next door. He didn't find out from her, but from another party.

BF: Why didn't you tell me our neighbor Bob was one of your ex's?

OP: I didn't tell you because you didn't ask, and I didn't think it's was any of your business.

BF: How was I to know that you slept with the neighbor next door, to even ask? I would have preferred to have been given that info from you and not someone else. You didn't respect me enough to give me a heads-up?

I'm sure the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is a good way to start a serious relationship.


----------



## AliceA

becareful2 said:


> I've referenced a number of people in this thread. Could you be more specific?


I'm not playing this game. The post I quoted of yours clearly shows the person you referenced. If you want to run around in circles, that's your choice, but I'm not interested.


----------



## becareful2

breeze said:


> I'm not playing this game. The post I quoted of yours clearly shows the person you referenced. If you want to run around in circles, that's your choice, but I'm not interested.


You responded with a semi-ambiguous post so to avoid any further confusion, I decided it was better to seek clarification first before responding. I've referenced phillybeffandswiss, Elegirl, the OP, her bf. Who were you referring to? If you don't think it's worth talking about, then don't engage.


----------



## tech-novelist

*Deidre* said:


> In most cases, it seems that a guy's sexual past is less offensive to a woman (or might not matter all that much at all), than a woman's sexual past is to a guy. Wonder if that is a social construct type of thing, or are the genders ''hard wired'' differently in this regard? Hmmm....


It is hardwiring. Women are attracted to men who have other options, which is most easily proven by a track record with other women.

Men, on the other hand, don't depend on others' behavior to determine the attractiveness of a woman. They respond to appearance and behavior that they observe themselves.

This is why it is possible to get a woman to swoon over someone she thinks is a celebrity because other women are chasing him around, even though the whole show is staged. The reverse would not work on a man, because he could see for himself what the woman looks and sounds like.


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## *Deidre*

tech-novelist said:


> It is hardwiring. Women are attracted to men who have other options, which is most easily proven by a track record with other women.
> 
> Men, on the other hand, don't depend on others' behavior to determine the attractiveness of a woman. They respond to appearance and behavior that they observe themselves.
> 
> This is why it is possible to get a woman to swoon over someone she thinks is a celebrity because other women are chasing him around, even though the whole show is staged. The reverse would not work on a man, because he could see for himself what the woman looks and sounds like.


But a woman doesn't need to see that other women are interested in her guy, to know she has a guy who could have other options, and guys also like women who aren't desperately into them. I don't know many guys who like women who they feel would have no other option but them.  It's subtle though, and probably not something we're all super cognizant of.


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## tech-novelist

*Deidre* said:


> But a woman doesn't need to see that other women are interested in her guy, to know she has a guy who could have other options, and guys also like women who aren't desperately into them. I don't know many guys who like women who they feel would have no other option but them.  It's subtle though, and probably not something we're all super cognizant of.


Of course an attractive woman has options, but that doesn't come into play in a man's reaction to her beauty; he just reacts to the beauty directly.

Men, however, can be attractive to women because of their status or power, which isn't directly visible. Thus, women react to the behavior of other women (and deference of other men) toward that man.

Does that make more sense?


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## *Deidre*

tech-novelist said:


> Of course an attractive woman has options, but that doesn't come into play in a man's reaction to her beauty; he just reacts to the beauty directly.
> 
> Men, however, can be attractive to women because of their status or power, which isn't directly visible. Thus, women react to the behavior of other women (and deference of other men) toward that man.
> 
> Does that make more sense?


It does makes sense. Not sure this is a hard and fast rule, but yea, I can see your point.


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## EleGirl

tech-novelist said:


> It is hardwiring. Women are attracted to men who have other options, which is most easily proven by a track record with other women.
> 
> Men, on the other hand, don't depend on others' behavior to determine the attractiveness of a woman. They respond to appearance and behavior that they observe themselves.
> 
> This is why it is possible to get a woman to swoon over someone she thinks is a celebrity because other women are chasing him around, even though the whole show is staged. The reverse would not work on a man, because he could see for himself what the woman looks and sounds like.


There might be a very small subgroup of women/girls following some celebrity around. But it's not all women chase celebrities around. Not all, not even most, care at about celebrities.

And I can show you websites, facebook, etc of female celebrities on which there are plenty of males just swooning and acting like love sick puppies. At least I'm smart enough to know that some small group of men swooning over some hot female celebrity does mean that all men do that.

Shoot I'm smart enough to know that just because some small percentage of women/girls swoon over celebrities, most don't.


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## AliceA

becareful2 said:


> You responded with a semi-ambiguous post so to avoid any further confusion, I decided it was better to seek clarification first before responding. I've referenced phillybeffandswiss, Elegirl, the OP, her bf. Who were you referring to? If you don't think it's worth talking about, then don't engage.


I'm refusing to engage on the level you want to take this to, I find it repetitious and pointless. I also find your posts reveal a divisive and sexist agenda. Maybe that's not your intent, but it certainly comes across that way to me.


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## becareful2

breeze said:


> I'm refusing to engage on the level you want to take this to, I find it repetitious and pointless. I also find your posts reveal a divisive and sexist agenda. Maybe that's not your intent, but it certainly comes across that way to me.


If you're going to make such accusations, then back it up with facts. How am I sexist or divisive? How many times have I said that OP should not let her bf shame her? How many times have I said I would apply the same standard to both genders? It seems like your intent is to snipe but when challenged on it, you whip out the sexist card. That's juvenile and I don't respect that at all.


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## ABHale

EleGirl said:


> Before I answer this… what are the details that you think a person needs to disclose to their partner? At what point in the relationship should this be disclosed?


How many?

Anything wild?

With anyone I might know?

Does anyone have a video you? (Is there a chance ours kids could find a video of you on the net)

No details as positions and crap like that.


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## tech-novelist

EleGirl said:


> There might be a very small subgroup of women/girls following some celebrity around. But it's not all women chase celebrities around. Not all, not even most, care at about celebrities.
> 
> And I can show you websites, facebook, etc of female celebrities on which there are plenty of males just swooning and acting like love sick puppies. At least I'm smart enough to know that some small group of men swooning over some hot female celebrity does mean that all men do that.
> 
> Shoot I'm smart enough to know that just because some small percentage of women/girls swoon over celebrities, most don't.


Yes, but the female celebrities are very attractive.

Many of the male celebrities are extremely average looking at best, and some are downright ugly, e.g., Keith Richards or Mick Jagger.

Can you name a female celebrity who is ugly and has men swooning over her?

In other words, men are attracted primarily to looks, whereas women are more complex; they are also attracted by power and fame.


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## See_Listen_Love

heartbroken50 said:


> I don't know... maybe it was just my situation.... Firstly, I didn't make him wait THAT long, lol.... we're talking a few weeks as opposed to the 3rd date rule. Secondly, he really _was _different...like can't stop thinking about you, have to see you everyday different. We we inseparable from the start. So by comparison it seemed longer because we were seeing each other almost daily.
> 
> And I didn't feel I was being manipulative because we spent that time getting to know each other really well, including discussing our pasts which I had never done with anyone but my therapist. I hadn't been particularly promiscuous, but I was ashamed of my number... (low teens at age 22 and fresh from college). But more importantly I had never had an O prior to my H and never tried anything much besides missionary. It was my H who helped me discover my inner freak


I believe that is quite a lot according to modern standards (seen the threads on TAM and other sources on the internet).

Just to find out if that is a wrong image:

Was that normal in those day's, or would you call yourself a former party girl? I have read the recent article on some TAM thread about the hookup culture in the US, is it truely so common or is it more of a subculture?


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## See_Listen_Love

Celes said:


> If he can't say with 100% honesty he would turn down a FFM threesome with 2 hot chicks, he's nothing more than a hypocrite and you're better off without him. Don't let anyone shame you for exploring your sexuality.
> 
> If he does break up with you, and you start dating again, just keep away from any man who asks what your number is. If they need to know, chances are they will be insecure about the threesome too.


Based on the TAM statistics that would include 99% of the entire human race. :|


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## See_Listen_Love

jsmart said:


> Men across the board are more concerned about this than women are. It has nothing to do with social constructs or double standards.
> 
> A man that can successfully bed a lot of women is highly desired by women. Women are not turned on by the idea of being with a virgin. If anything, he'll be seen as a loser. Society is not telling woman to feel this way. It's ingrained deeply in a female to choose the best candidate for her eggs. A "stud" is a proven commodity. Even though a woman is not consciously thinking of such things, her inner animal mind always is.
> 
> Men have different concerns than women. Every woman knows that any kid she gives birth to is hers. A man will not know that for sure. A promiscuous woman has a higher probability to be unfaithful and possibly get pregnant causing the man to support another man's child. This is also not a social construct. Just because woman don't care about this doesn't make it unimportant to men.


Great insight into the mechanics of the feelings involved, in us, in our culture, in our genes.


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## See_Listen_Love

EleGirl said:


> There might be a very small subgroup of women/girls following some celebrity around. But it's not all women chase celebrities around. Not all, not even most, care at about celebrities.


My experience is they do, but are smart enough not let their partners in too much on this.

I have a small home theater, and a a certain moment in time it was a running gag that when I heard the girls reactions being high pitched giggling or laughing I yelled: "George Cloony??" at the closed door. (Or Hugh Grant or whoever was popular at the time). Measured by the amount of laughter and remarks from there I very often was right.

Further more with a visit to Madame Tussaud in Amsterdam I was very very surprised with the lines of women in line for pictures with Clooney etc. Including my wife.....Who really is a saint.

(girls/women being the group now between 30 and 60 for instance)


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## heartbroken50

See_Listen_Love said:


> I believe that is quite a lot according to modern standards (seen the threads on TAM and other sources on the internet).
> 
> Just to find out if that is a wrong image:
> 
> Was that normal in those day's, or would you call yourself a former party girl? I have read the recent article on some TAM thread about the hookup culture in the US, is it truely so common or is it more of a subculture?




It was pretty common where I grew up ... Comparatively I was quite the late bloomer actually. It was a seaside vacation spot, and every summer had a romance, and there wasn't much to do in the winter aside from staying warm.

My H's number beat mine but not drastically ... He was a frat boy in college. Back then, most people my age would have considered me a goody two-shoes as I was quite studious and didn't mess around with drugs. 

I believe the culture today is much more liberal.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## See_Listen_Love

What strikes me is that I see here many people in steady LT relations, but not marrying. It seems on TAM marriage is still the 'standard'. It looks to me like people go from dating quite quick into marriage, and also quite soon into divorce if something happens. It looks like in Europe the marriage, is less obvious, but more stable. That is what I see, I have no statistics available. It is said though that these day's many young people divorce quite fast and often.


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## snerg

Lots and lots of thread jacking with no real help for the op.

OP - come back and give an update.

I am interested in finding out how well your bf has "digested" the news.


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## syhoybenden

:iagree:

Too much threadjack. 

Focus on the OP is being lost.


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## Married but Happy

Opinions on this are very diverse, obviously. I think the best way to handle this in any new dating situation that is turning more serious, is to discuss it, but in a certain way. The first thing is to ask each other what things they'd want to know and in how much detail, before telling each other anything. Agree on the parameters, and before continuing, also ask if there are any deal-breaker numbers, sex acts, scenarios, type of partners, etc. If there are, the other can just walk away at that point without having to say anything more. (Don't rush this initial discussion - it may take some thinking to figure out what actually matters to you.) Also ask if either has expectations for particular sex acts in the future, or if either expects that because you may have done one of those in the past, you will expect them to do that for you, too. If there are no clear deal breakers, then you can share what you've agreed to share, with little danger of rejection. 

If people are rational and reasonable (and honest!!!), then there won't be as many problems going forward.


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## Thor

See_Listen_Love said:


> I believe that is quite a lot according to modern standards (seen the threads on TAM and other sources on the internet).
> 
> Just to find out if that is a wrong image:
> 
> Was that normal in those day's, or would you call yourself a former party girl? I have read the recent article on some TAM thread about the hookup culture in the US, is it truely so common or is it more of a subculture?


Idk her age or other factors. I grew up in a small town on the east coast, went to college at a mid sized private college in a semi-rural area.

Most of my friends married within 5 years of graduating college, many of them within 1 year of graduating college. People tended to marry younger back then. I'm 55 yrs old.

The average woman had 5 or fewer sex partners at marriage, as a nation wide average, back then. My circle of friends I would say it was probably more like 3. That would include one as a senior in high school who was a serious boyfriend, at about age 17, for half the girls. The other half of the girls generally lost their virginity soon after in college. Then there'd be a serious boyfriend in college. And then there'd be the guy she married. Some of the girls might have another serious bf she slept with.

Oral was considered a bit risque, and not something most girls would do with most of their boyfriends. Maybe it was considered dirtier, more slvvtty, so they wouldn't do it much.

So that was the typical scenario for the typical middle class girl looking for a professional middle class type of husband.

The girl who had a number in the double-digits was not marriage material. And oral was definitely counted as "sex" when it came to numbers. The girl who'd give a bj to a guy at a party etc was definitely loose.

Certainly times have changed and standards have changed. This is how it was when and where I grew up.


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## Thor

syhoybenden said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Too much threadjack.
> 
> Focus on the OP is being lost.


Toss red meat into the cage and there will be a scuffle. The length and outcome of this thread was predictable from the beginning.


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## EleGirl

tech-novelist said:


> It is hardwiring. Women are attracted to men who have other options, which is most easily proven by a track record with other women.
> 
> Men, on the other hand, don't depend on others' behavior to determine the attractiveness of a woman. They respond to appearance and behavior that they observe themselves.
> 
> This is why it is possible to get a woman to swoon over someone she thinks is a celebrity because other women are chasing him around, even though the whole show is staged. The reverse would not work on a man, because he could see for himself what the woman looks and sounds like.





EleGirl said:


> There might be a very small subgroup of women/girls following some celebrity around. But it's not all women chase celebrities around. Not all, not even most, care at about celebrities.
> 
> And I can show you websites, facebook, etc of female celebrities on which there are plenty of males just swooning and acting like love sick puppies. At least I'm smart enough to know that some small group of men swooning over some hot female celebrity does mean that all men do that.
> 
> Shoot I'm smart enough to know that just because some small percentage of women/girls swoon over celebrities, most don't.





tech-novelist said:


> Yes, but the female celebrities are very attractive.
> 
> Many of the male celebrities are extremely average looking at best, and some are downright ugly, e.g., Keith Richards or Mick Jagger.
> 
> Can you name a female celebrity who is ugly and has men swooning over her?
> 
> In other words, men are attracted primarily to looks, whereas women are more complex; they are also attracted by power and fame.


You have a way of ignoring what was actually said and then posting something that is out in left field somewhere. And so here you are contradicting your original post.

In the first post you claim that women are mindless followers who swoon over men who have a proven track record with other women. You basically say that we are mindlessness followers who do not decide for ourselves which men we are attracted to… it’s easy to see you say. 

On the other hand, you claim, men can decide for themselves.


tech-novelist said:


> This is why it is possible to get a woman to swoon over someone she thinks is a celebrity because other women are chasing him around, even though the whole show is staged. The reverse would not work on a man, because he could see for himself what the woman looks and sounds like.


But after I blew that nonsense out of the water, you now claim that women are more complex in who they are attracted to and that apparently we can make that decision all on our own.

Just for the record, Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were good looking when they were young. Like all humans, they aged. Just like me. None of us are as good looking now as we were back then. 

And now men simply are attracted to women based on looks. This is pretty predictable. Look at industries that cater to men based on this very fact… female actresses, singers, and the porn industry. All of them are based on a woman’s looks. Most of the women are pretty average looking without makeup. But put 3 lbs of make on them, fix their hair (or use a wig), and dress them sexy. And now you have a woman that men can hear and see for themselves. What men are attracted to is so predictable that there are industries making billions on it.

Now I think that in real life, for most men, all that is fantasy. Most men, real men, pick real women and look beyond that superficial exterior to the character, accomplishments, etc. of the women that they date and marry. Sure men want an attractive wife. Women also want an attractive husband. But other factors almost always come into play.

I kind of like talking about that real world.


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## EleGirl

syhoybenden said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Too much threadjack.
> 
> Focus on the OP is being lost.


I agree with this. And I admit that I have been part of the problem (hang my head in shame :surprise: )


We don't know if the OP will ever be back. She might be scared to come back at this point. But I hope she does

So.... 



Let's end the thread jack. Only reply to the OP from here on out

{speaking as a moderator}


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## sidney2718

EleGirl said:


> The sex a woman has before marriage (or before a relationship) has no bearing on any children that she has with her husband/SO. Human females are not like rabbits. We do not store sperm and so that we can keep having litter after litter from some male we had sex with in the past.


From what I've read in ancient times it was believed that women unknowingly did store sperm from previous encounters, which they claimed, is where the present ideas about "virginity" come from.

It also is fed by the subconscious feeling that women are property, the man's property. You still see a good bit of that posted by men who say "I'd never let my wife to that!" (whatever "that" happens to be.)


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## sidney2718

breeze said:


> I'm refusing to engage on the level you want to take this to, I find it repetitious and pointless. I also find your posts reveal a divisive and sexist agenda. Maybe that's not your intent, but it certainly comes across that way to me.


Calm down folks. Let it go.


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## See_Listen_Love

SueLL said:


> So we got together today and I guess it was kind of awkward. He was pretty quiet so I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about or discuss. He said not really so it was like there was an elephant in the room we weren't acknowledging.
> 
> I told him again that I don't want there to be any issues between us that we can't discuss and resolve. He looked at me weird and said something like "threesome huh?" I said it was an impulsive one time thing and he said how did I go from 0 to 100 just like that. I think I got nervous listening to him. He asked me how I could get into a threesome with people I just met when by comparison it took us a while to have "a twosome." I didn't expect that so I just said again that I went through a short wild and phase. He basically responded by saying that he never figured I'd be a girl who did that. I think we both got uncomfortable and stopped talking. Kind of strained small talk and then he left to go back to the office. Not the best of get-togethers. Not sure how to proceed and I am really scared that I'm going to say something wrong.


The above was the status quo four days ago. I am afraid he is shocked and disappointed. It is not an affair during the relation, but the emotional effect is the same.


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## manfromlamancha

OP seems to have left the building!


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## lucy999

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just to be clear, if I were her boyfriend I would not judge her negatively for the experience with the two men. I would judge her negatively for the comparatively less enthusiastic experience with me. She had sex with two guys just after meeting them, but she made her boyfriend wait. That says a lot about how her level of lust for each of them.


Caveat: haven't read entire thread yet, but where did you get that she made him wait? Maybe they decided together.

Or maybe it's been drilled into her head (like most of us women) that if you want a true relationship and want the man to respect you and view you as relationship material, you don't hop into bed right away?



Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## lucy999

bandit.45 said:


> Now Mormon girls? They were easy-peasy....


Hah hahaha truer words have never been spoken.


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## Legend

I would wait. If you become engaged to this man, tell him. Total, complete honesty is the only way to do a marriage. If he accepts you despite your flaws, past and present, your future marriage will be stronger than ever. Complete honesty works both ways.


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## syhoybenden

OP hasn't visited the forum in 4 days. Could be that things have gone sideways on her.


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## jsmart

I hope OP does comes back to update the thread. Some of this could be painful to read but no one here knows her. She's completely anonymous. There is a lot of collective wisdom on TAM to gather if you're willing to stand through some of the discomfort of putting yourself out there. 

Even if she doesn't return, there is already lessons to teach others who read the threads. I fear that many women will take the lesson as being, lie about your past, when the real lesson is don't degrade yourself. It always comes back to bite you.


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## Wolf1974

*Deidre* said:


> In most cases, it seems that a guy's sexual past is less offensive to a woman (or might not matter all that much at all), than a woman's sexual past is to a guy. Wonder if that is a social construct type of thing, or are the genders ''hard wired'' differently in this regard? Hmmm....


I don't think this is true. I think _*some*_ people care and *some* just don't which astonishes me. I do care about sexual pasts and every woman I have asked about hers she has asked about mine. Some asked me prior to asking her. STD alone merit a conversation. 

I honestly just thought everyone was ok with having an adult conversation about sex prior to TAM because my personal experience it was never an issue. Some just really don't want to know


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