# Feeling hurt and confused



## starlight55 (Mar 24, 2020)

Hi everyone, 

I'm new but had had a few hard days and just need to at least vent as I have no idea what to do right now.
I've been married for 4 years, we've been together for 8 years and have two children.

My husband had his own business but it had multiple problems over the years, I was working with him and it got to a very bad point where we would not have enugh money for rent. So I went back to work on my side and paid rent + daycare + a couple bills on my side and my husband basically would pay groceries and the rest goes to his company rebuilding.

The first job I got back into they fired me after two months (from my side I know one of the girls was not a huge fan of me taking over her job as she was training me and she basically said to my face she told them to get rid of me so that ended). I was really worried for us financially and my husband came back saying "it's okay, if you weren't capable then that's it end of story" I was hurt at the time because I knew I did everyhing right I even saved the girl who fired me because the day I got fired she was 30mins late to a client meeting but I got there in time to take over and bring them the brochures etc... So that stung that my husband showed 0 support, just "oh you weren't capable".
I told him it hurt but he just shrugged his shoulders.

Fast forward a few months later, I got a new job and have been working there for almost 6 months and the team says they're very happy to have me, my husband says "I don't know how you're able to keep that job cause when you were working with me you always made mistakes, I'm just waiting each day to hear you say they fired you".

I just started crying thinking how many times I would sleep 2-3 hours nights to work for him so everything would be smooth, working through pregnancies, right from when I got back home with the babies... Anything that needed done I would do, yes there were mistakes but I explained if he gave me everything to do (there was no accountant so I took care of all organising plus accounting plus clients) and on top of that Mr Perfect would not lift a finger at home so cooking, cleaning, kids is all me also (and he did not hesitate to tell me that the house was a mess). We would have multiple rows and he would say that he would help but it never happened.

Now I have been working at this job all was going well, they told us to work from home obiously with the current situation which actually turned out great because I found out I'm pregnant and I have morning sickness.

The issue I have is I have told my husband multiple times I'm too tired to work for this job and also do all his tasks for his company as he doesn't have enough money to hire an assistant so he asks me to still do his invoicing, fill in all papers he needs, put in all bookings...

Each time I get "Oh you hate my company but you love your new company".. we got into a couple heated rows and he said "okay from now on don't touch the computer just finish your work and take care of the kids and house".

He says this and of course the next day "could you please just send this invoice? It's your money too it's not just for me"

So I do it of course because otherwise I just get abuse shouted at me about how I prefer my job.

Anyway, I told him I was pregnant and he immediately saw the change in my tiredness so kind of went easier. I've had a lot of nausea so I push myself to do my job from 8 til 5 and then try to relax a little. 

Because of this I was less affectionate towards him and he just wouldn't talk to me, this went on for a week I asked him what was wrong? He said "you should know" and ignored me.

Until finally he started telling me by yelling that I don't seem to want to be near him I'm always lying down and sleeping in a spearate bed (I explained I couldn't sleep in our bed because we have a mattress on the floor which is too souple and I wake up with back-ache every morning so I prefer the couch he of course has said he will buy a new one for the past year) or working.I explained it's just the first months of pregnancy that it's not a choice it just happens and then it will calm down in the next few weeks to which he replied "I'm not even sure the kid is mine"....

Needless to say I cried my eyes out that night. I shouted back that he just said the biggest insult to my face and that he should be ashamed.

The next day he came in to make up and asked again if I was sure I hadn't been around anyone, to which I replied "do you know your wife at all?" he said he was just worried because of how I'd been.

He was calm and affectionate the next two days now this morning I had a conference call with my team and we started saying good morning and laughing about how life working from home is.

He barged in the room and stood staring at me and said "who are you laughing with?" wrong timing one of my colleagues put on his webcam to show his new office at home. I obviously muted and told him the whole team is on a conference call and he said "oh and that's why you're laughing? yeah great work I see" and he went through to the living room.

He came back a total of 5 times to see what was going on he just stood and stared at the screen and me from the door, obviosuly after the first 15 minutes we were talking business so it was very quiet for the next 1 hour.

I finished the call and went to see him, he acted as if nothing happened and said "did it go okay?" and I said "yes" as if he hadn't disturbed me at all.

We sat for a few minutes tea break and he said "could you install this new accounting software, there's a guy that's going to give me a live tour of the software this afternoon" The previous day we had agreed he didn't need it because we would spend time on it trying it out as I've used a few accounting programs I knew it would be straightforward, but anyway he requested a demonstration after all so I started to install it.

I started connecting the thing quite happily and it showed payment by year only which I thought was strange as they spoke of monthly he said "Hang on I'll call the guy" I said to wait because I could go forward and check the details. He still called and looked at me and said what shall I ask?

I clicked on the page and it said "pay monthly" so I said "oh it's okay you can pay monthly" with that the guy on the line said "hello ?" and my husband said "what do I ask, what do I ask, you talk to him"

I said " but I have the answer to my question what do you want me to ask?" and the phone cut because of a bad signal.

He started getting mad and said "just ask him how it works ask him questions on how to use it" I looked and refused to take the phone I said "I've just logged in I dont even have the interface how am I going to ask questions if I haven't even looked yet?"

Then he got even madder and shut off the phone. I saw him reach for the laptop and I kept a hold on it and he just said "this is why I hate working with you you're laughing with your colleagues you enjoy working with them but for my stuff you're always sulking" I held on to the laptop and he pulled it and yelled STOP about ten times while smashing the latop on the table and on the floor.

He said "you're always like this, no problem with your collegaues but with me you're too shy to talk on the phone" I yelled "what am I supposed to ask??? I have no view of the interface and you want me to ask questions on how to use it, it's like putting on a blinfold and saying can you tell me how this works?"

He just told me to shut up and went on the balcony to smoke for several minutes. He came back in, not a word.

I took my work laptop into our bedroom and continued working as obviously I have to work.

He came in a few minutes later and said "can you not go in the living room I want to sleep", I said I was more comfortable sitting on the bed but got ready to get up and he said "just stay I'm going out anyway". So he got changed and as he left and said "I better leave you with your pals anyway so you can have good fun"...

I just seriously have had enough certainly right now with feeling tired, nausea and on top of that a husband who just gets mad at every single little thing. He asked me to go back to work and now he gets mad at any possible contact I can have it just feels so heavy every day. I honestly thought he was about to yell at me and take my laptop away when I was on the conference call and could just imagine coming up with an excuse as to why I was disconnected for a while...

The smashing of the laptop honestly just got me so mad because it's a "I can smash this up it's your fault". At the time he went on about buying a desktop I showed him a few and he decided to go out with a friend and he came back with a small laptop which I know he hates using because it's too small for him, it cost 700$ which I thought was much more than he needed to spend for what he needs but when he's with his friends it's like "hey look it's expensive but I can buy it" even though we're late on bills.

He smashed it to pieces and I just kept thinking on how that was 700$ of unpaid bills in the trash, after the whole "I'm not even sure the baby is mine" I just feel it's just so toxic. 
I said "well great 700$ in the trash" he just replied "it's your fault".

I've always been at home, I think during the last 8 years I've met outisde with friends about 4 times the rest of the times they come visit me at home. The only times I do go out is to go shopping, see my parents or we got out together as a family.

He knows when I finish work I drive straight home to pick up the kids so it's not like I even gave him a doubt so I just feel exhauted that I'm always here always do everything yet I'm the one who gets the abuse...

I've seriously been trying to visualise how it would be if we divorce I'm just worried for the kids not seeing their Dad as much but at the same time I am so so tired of getting abuse when I remember how many times I suffered so he could have a better company. At the best of times he can be the best and say just rest and give me a foot massage but that's like once a year. I feel like living with him is like a rollercoaster, you have about 2-3 really happy days and you go down 4 days where he's in a mood and won't talk or just says mean things.
I really don't know what to think I'm just exhausted and disappointed in his attitude.


I'm really sorry for this long text I just needed to express things....


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Wow


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I know you came to vent , let TAM know when you're ready for advice.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your husband has no respect for you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Starlight, a couple of things. FIRST, very sorry you are going through this.
I think your husband is A) VERY emotionally immature -- he is throwing temper tantrums (breaking a laptop -- REALLY??? three year olds do that). B) VERY insecure of himself -- as evidenced of his jealousy about your co-workers, and the "whose baby is it".
C) I think that maybe he is intimidated by you since YOU are working successfully at your job, where he is struggling with the business (hence the snarky comments about your work/capabilities, and wanting you to do work for him -- kind of a "see, I'm still top dog" type of thing.

NONE of this excuses what he is doing to you AT ALL. You have some hard conversations coming up with him. Don't let him detract you from talking about this and how his actions and tantrums are unacceptable. I'd say Marriage counseling, but he probably wouldn't agree . Just stick to your guns that the way he is talking and treating you is not acceptable, and he really needs to get his sh*t together before YOU are gone.


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## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

Sounds like narcissistic abuse to me. I would seek advice from a professional and perhaps seriously consider if you can see yourself putting up with this kind of behavior for 8, 18,... more years. Ask yourself how will you feel if your child is one day on the receiving end of this same abuse. 

It’s a very sad thing to go through. I’ve been there. Actually, I’m still going through the aftermath. 

If I may recommend some spiritual advice on YouTube. 

Google YouTube, Pastor RC Blakes...I’ve been binge watching his videos for days. I find them to be extremely helpful.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Starlight I feel like you’ve been here at TAM before...

That was extremely careless of you to be vulnerable to getting pregnant by this abusive jackass. You need to divorce this man. The sooner the better. No child deserves to have to deal with this in their home, and neither do you. Please want better for yourself. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As you suspect divorce would be a good idea. 

He brings nothing valuable to the marriage.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

starlight55 said:


> he just replied "it's your fault"


Your husband is an abuser. Smashing the laptop is an act of violence. His statement blaming you for his behavior is classic abuser. He manipulates and controls you to do what is legitimately HIS WORK for him for nothing in return.



starlight55 said:


> I'm just worried for the kids not seeing their Dad


I'm going to be brutally honest about this, they don't need to see him. They would be far better off if they never saw him, and never witnessed this utterly childish, entitled, self-self-self attitude he has.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You have an uphill battle, and I’m guessing he will be fighting with you all the way. You have to decide how long you are willing to subject yourself, AND your babies to this. 

Someone has to protect them, and that someone should be you.


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