# Can you please help?



## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi,

I have been having some mariage problems with my husband since summer. I am a 30 years old woman and I am married for 3 years, no children. We have been together for 12 years. All this time everything was perfect, I was receiving a lot of love and affection from my husband. Summer changed everything, it is like I am with a completely different person.

It all started when I brought up a discussion about having our first baby. He reacted reeally bad and he told me he was not ready yet. I has devastated and started having thoughts about him not loving me as he did not want to have a baby. It all lead to a great fight, which lead to him moving out of the house for 2 months. I was really devastated. During this time, he was calling me every day to meet. We were like dating again. He then came back home, but he was completely cold towards me. He didn;t want to touch/kiss or go out with me.

During this time I discovered some online chatting and cybersex/skype/etc accounts. I have also discovered that he is been talking to another woman, a colleague of him. I was really devastated as I could not believe that he might be having an affair. I confronted him and he refused everything. But until now, he still does not want any intercourse with me. When I talk about it, he sasy that we have some big issues that first need to be resolved to get in the mood for this. He now tells me that he loves me, but if he uses his logic he believes that we should not be together. What to do? Should I take this and end it (even though when I tell him it is over he cries like a baby?)? Is it normal for a couple not having sexual intercourse for 5 months?

Thanks in advance


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> I has devastated and started having thoughts about him not loving me as he did not want to have a baby.


Where did that come from? What does not wanting to have a baby have to do with loving you or not? Those are two entirely separate concepts. There must be something else going on. What is really making you feel insecure in your marriage?



> During this time I discovered some online chatting and cybersex/skype/etc accounts. I have also discovered that he is been talking to another woman, a colleague of him. I was really devastated as I could not believe that he might be having an affair. I confronted him and he refused everything.


As in, he denied the existence of things you have seen with your own eyes? That is a HUGE red flag. He is at the very least lying, if not cheating.



> But until now, he still does not want any intercourse with me.


When a man is with a woman who wants to get pregnant, and he doesn't want to have a child, it can be very difficult to trust her enough to have sex with her. Crazy women have been known to do things like lie about being on birth control, poke holes in condoms - even impregnate themselves with used condoms!! So he may be paranoid since you expressed your desire to get pregnant. I can't possibly know - it's just an idea. 



> When I talk about it, he sasy that we have some big issues that first need to be resolved to get in the mood for this.


He's absolutely right. Did you not discuss whether or not you would have children - and if you would, how many and when - before you got married?? If not, this needs to be worked out, and the sooner the better. This may be a large part of the issue he is alluding to.



> He now tells me that he loves me, but if he uses his logic he believes that we should not be together.


What is he basing this on? Did you say something like: "If we don't have children together, I don't want to be married to you?" Because if you did, his logic is functioning well.



> What to do? Should I take this and end it (even though when I tell him it is over he cries like a baby?)?


Talk to him about it. Figure out what the real problems are. Where is the insecurity coming from? Wth is up with those accounts you found? What is your SHARED plan children-wise for the future, and when? 



> Is it normal for a couple not having sexual intercourse for 5 months?


No, it's not normal, it's a sign that something is wrong, which you already know. If you can identify the issues and communicate with your husband, you can save your marriage.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Dear omega,

thanks for the prompt reply.
the way I see it is that having a baby is a commitment to each other of our love and devotion. I do not know if I am being too romantic, but this is the reason I started thinking he does not love me. The insecurity I feel comes from the way he treats me, he does not want to touch or kiss me, we have been living like roomates instead of husband and wife.

Regarding the chatting, he told me that the accounts belong to a friend of his who has been using our computer for sometime. He did not refuse existence of the accounts, he just refused that these accounts were his.

Before we got married, we discussed the baby issue and he told me that he wanted children. I told him that I would like to have my first baby at 30 and he agreed. You are right regarding telling him that if he doesn't want any children at all I will leave. Did I make a big mistake on this issue? I thought that I was making myself clear regarding my plans... How can I fix this? I told him that at this point, the way we are, does not provide me with the security to start a family and that at this point my main goal is to try and save our marriage and rebuild our relationship. Do you think that if I tell him it is over and just leave the house for a while may fix the issues?

Thanks again for your reply!


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

Possible affairs aside (I can't comment on that)....

A baby is a product of sex not proof of love. You are married that is your commitment and devotion to each other. A baby doesn't fix issues only creates new issues. It sounds like your husband is trying to work on marriage issues before bringing in an additional strain. I think you are wanting a baby today is creating intense pressure for him, yourself, and your marriage. I think you need to back up a few steps. Is having a baby at 30 more important than building a stronger marriage? 

I think if you up and leave over the baby issue, it will cause too great of a strain on your marriage to repair.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi expatforlife,

The problem is that I sense that the baby is not the issue. I sense that all the cybersex accounts belong to my husband. If i tell him that, he gets upset and he says that if I mention this thing again, he will leave. I am very scared to bring this issue up, but i believe that he should be honest with me. The baby is not an issue for me now, my main priority is to work on my marrage. I try to help, but he seems cold and distant. This is what makes me want to leave. I cannot stand seeing my husband, who was very loving and attendive before, act like I am just a friend...


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> the way I see it is that having a baby is a commitment to each other of our love and devotion.


This is how you see it but the truth is that this is NOT how most people see it. Most people see the decision to have children as a separate decision from the decision to get married, and having children is done out of a desire for children, rather than as an expression of love and devotion. So your husband really cannot be faulted for not sharing your view on this. 



> I do not know if I am being too romantic, but this is the reason I started thinking he does not love me.


I consider myself exceedingly romantic, and even I think this is kind of creepy, actually. So you need to give the guy a break on that one.



> The insecurity I feel comes from the way he treats me, he does not want to touch or kiss me, we have been living like roomates instead of husband and wife.


My question for you is: was this the case BEFORE the blow-up over getting pregnant? Or was this a new development after that happened?



> Regarding the chatting, he told me that the accounts belong to a friend of his who has been using our computer for sometime. He did not refuse existence of the accounts, he just refused that these accounts were his.


Oh this is a tough one. I know exactly what you mean with this. You want to believe him, but it looks shady, and it might explain some things. However, trust is very important to marriage. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt but keep your eyes open for other red flags.



> Before we got married, we discussed the baby issue and he told me that he wanted children. I told him that I would like to have my first baby at 30 and he agreed.


Has something major happened / not happened with your general life plan that would make him change his mind? For example, did it take you guys longer to finish school / find work / settle down maybe than you had planned? Are there financial issues that could make him wary? Because you did the right thing by telling him before hand and agreeing on this issue.



> You are right regarding telling him that if he doesn't want any children at all I will leave. Did I make a big mistake on this issue?


In the heat of the moment, everyone drops big statements like that but if you didn't mean it, you should clear that up - and if you did mean it, follow through. 



> I thought that I was making myself clear regarding my plans...


It sounds like you did indeed.



> How can I fix this? I told him that at this point, the way we are, does not provide me with the security to start a family and that at this point my main goal is to try and save our marriage and rebuild our relationship. Do you think that if I tell him it is over and just leave the house for a while may fix the issues?


Telling him it is over and leaving the house will NOT fix the issues. Absolutely not. They will just widen the breach between you two, give him opportunity if he is indeed getting into internet flirting, paint you as unstable in his mind, and create drama. Now, if you really are considering leaving permanently, it's okay to tell him that. But don't use "I'm leaving you" as leverage to shock him into doing something unless you are prepared to follow through with it.



expatforlife said:


> A baby is a product of sex not proof of love. You are married that is your commitment and devotion to each other. A baby doesn't fix issues only creates new issues. It sounds like your husband is trying to work on marriage issues before bringing in an additional strain. I think you are wanting a baby today is creating intense pressure for him, yourself, and your marriage. I think you need to back up a few steps. Is having a baby at 30 more important than building a stronger marriage?
> 
> I think if you up and leave over the baby issue, it will cause too great of a strain on your marriage to repair.


:iagree: very well put, expat.



MadAndConfused said:


> I sense that all the cybersex accounts belong to my husband. If i tell him that, he gets upset and he says that if I mention this thing again, he will leave.


Is this a 'game' with you two, where, whenever there's a disagreement, one of you threatens to leave before the other does, and the other feels scared? If so, this is where the insecurity issues likely stem from. Threatening to leave should ONLY be done when a person is actually GOING TO LEAVE unless very specific (and expressed) conditions are met. Neither one of you should be throwing that phrase around unless you intend to follow through. Otherwise, all you are doing is DESTROYING the safety and security of your marriage. You say it yourself, you don't have security. Well of course you don't, with people threatening to leave over something as simple as you finding something on HIS computer and assuming that it's HIS.



> The baby is not an issue for me now, my main priority is to work on my marrage.


I suggest you make this _abundantly_ clear to him. He may not really believe you.



> I try to help, but he seems cold and distant. This is what makes me want to leave.


Do you mean this? You are honestly wanting to LEAVE your husband? Think about this. Don't throw this phrase around in your house OR on TAM if you can't own it. (Because the more you say it, in whatever venue, the more comfortable you will get with the idea.)


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You both had a hand in this impass...

Your husband stated "Not ready" you tried to convince him otherwise... It was how he felt... you should have accepted it and then talked about it later tactfully. Instead you forced his hand.

He felt he had to leave... another mistake all he was doing is running away from a serious issue. His mistake.

NOW... there is a lot of healing on both ends before you discuss a baby again.

I understand you wanting a baby at 30... that is an optimum age that kid is 18 at 48. That kid gets young energetic parents.

Your husband sees a kid as making him "settle down" perhaps he is still immature... not a good father right now anyhow.

Men HATE being forced... men are ok thinking about an impasse and eventually coming into terms with a life changing decision.

Your goal right now is to repair your relationship and be his wife only then will he feel any desire to start a family. HE HEARD YOU stop talking. Be his wife sexually get him off those online accounts. By the way I'm conversing with a lady because she is helping me sort things out in my marriage and giving me great advice... there is no EA going on. She offered to help me and has been a godsend. So in my case my correspondence is not an affair, although I do disclose my personal life to her and my deep dark secrets... I have no romantic interest at all. She is essentially right now my therapist helping me solve my sexless marriage. I needed that. She contacted me and we converse PM everyday.

As a man he knows that 30-38 is the time to have a baby...so there are another 8+ years. Perhaps he needs another year or so. Work on rebuilding the relationship if you want a baby. Give him a year to think about starting a family.

Later explain to him you want to have an active retirement with him and it'd be nice if we can get "the kids" out of the house before we hit 55. So you and I can do all the stuff we want to do. Tell him you want an active retirement with him and not worrying about still raising kids.

Men accept logic. Men don't accept ultimatums.

Give it time you have some leeway.

Finally, A women gets to experience what it's like when us men are denied sex by our wives... kinda bites doesn't it?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Men HATE being forced...


So do women!



> Men don't accept ultimatums.


Nor do women!



> HE HEARD YOU stop talking.


Good advice! May I ask if you are using it in your marriage?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

RDJ said:


> So do women!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yup... done talking about old stuff. Only talk about current and new stuff... not about lack of sex anymore. But that doesn't mean we don't talk about sex still its important to discuss the topic in general. Also how we relate in general.

I never gave may wife an ultimatum... i gave her guidance.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi all,

I must admit that all your advice has been very helpful. Thank you all very much. I was REALLY thinking of getting out of my marriage when i started this post, but now I must admit that I am having second thoughts. I really love him and it breaks my heart seeing us like this. But at the same time I feel unloved, ugly, and not sexy due to his cold behaviour. I know that it is not because of my appearance as I really watch my body and like to dress up. But if I stay, how can I approach him and make him want me again?

@omega: everything up to now have been proceeding according to our plans. We have been working since our 24, get paid well with no financial issues. Everything was perfect until the baby issue...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I must admit that all your advice has been very helpful. Thank you all very much. I was REALLY thinking of getting out of my marriage when i started this post, but now I must admit that I am having second thoughts. I really love him and it breaks my heart seeing us like this. But at the same time I feel unloved, ugly, and not sexy due to his cold behaviour. I know that it is not because of my appearance as I really watch my body and like to dress up. But if I stay, how can I approach him and make him want me again?
> 
> ...



Apologize for your part in making him feel pressured to want to leave... tell him that you are 100% committed to repairing your relationship. That kids can be put on hold for now.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Apologize for your part in making him feel pressured to want to leave... tell him that you are 100% committed to repairing your relationship. That kids can be put on hold for now.


Ok, will do so. Thanks for giving me strength to stay and fight for this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> Hi expatforlife,
> 
> The problem is that I sense that the baby is not the issue. I sense that all the cybersex accounts belong to my husband. If i tell him that, he gets upset and he says that if I mention this thing again, he will leave. I am very scared to bring this issue up, but i believe that he should be honest with me. The baby is not an issue for me now, my main priority is to work on my marrage. I try to help, but he seems cold and distant. This is what makes me want to leave. I cannot stand seeing my husband, who was very loving and attendive before, act like I am just a friend...


I think most of us who have stdied the behaviorsof cheaters would be inclined to beleive he is cheating.
No one moves out over the issue you described. And, you found concrete evidence of cheating.
he will never admit it, but I'd bet he had or is having an affair. I have researched this stuff for a long time. The dynamic you describe is a classic cheater script.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi Arnold,

I am getting the feeling that he is cheating on me, but during our time together he never gave me any reason to believe that he was cheating. Every time we went out, he was never looking to other women. But at this point I am sispecting that he is having an affair... How to handle this? Does this mean he doesn't love me anymore?


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi all,

I am writing to get some more advice for new developments. My husband has once again left the house claiming that he does this because he does not want a divorce. He just needs some time to think. Before he left, I told him that I am not willing to stay and wait for him, as the last two times he left were very painful to me. The new development is that he told me that he has an appointment with a psychologists (something that he was constantly refusing at the past). how do you think I should react? Do I try to do the 180, or should I stay by his side as arranging for IC is a major step for him? don't I loose my credibility if I state to him that I do not mind for leaving the house?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Others will have a different view but the way I'm reading this is more like...you shouldn't be as concerned with the cyber stuff.

Find out why he's so freaked about having the child. If you've been together 12 years and you're in your early 30's the "I'm not ready yet" excuse doesn't fly. If the opposite of love is indifference than his crying like a baby at your mention of things being over is a sign to me that he doesn't want to lose you. Something is up.

I hate to think this...make sure everything was kosher with his childhood.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I just read your update. No matter what internal turmoil he's going through you are his wife. He should rely on you to help him get through it...not shut you out.

Again...the fact that he's seeing a psychologist makes me think he's dealing with something significant.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi sinnister, thank you for your reply. I really hope that everything turns out fine when he finishes his IC sessions... I've told him that I am there for him as long as it takes, but I am feeling that I am being the doormat in the relationship. Anything he says or does is ok, since he will cry and I will change my mind...

Does any of you knows if this could be an early mid-life crisis?

1. Husband age: 31. He was really concerned when he turned 30.
2. Possible affairs.
3. Started working out at the gym like crazy
4. Started some extreme sports. He was never into extreme sports before.
5. Questions his life and what he wants from his life.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

From what you've written, you both have issues.

Not wanting to have a child does NOT mean he doesn't love you — but it does mean you and he will be tied together more or less permanently, even if there's a divorce/separation. At this point in your relationship, the idea of a child might be scaring the hell out of him. As for him going to a counselor and taking up new activities and hobbies, it sounds like he's a) re-evaluating this whole relationship and b) keeping himself busy and finding other ways to occupy his free time.

I suggest you see a therapist also; it appears you may have both a self-esteem and control problem. Relying on outside validation will always leave you unhappy (having a baby, quality clothing, well-kept body, constant stream of lovemaking and compliments, etc. etc.). Happiness comes from within. In addition, it appears you're trying to control him (insisting on having a baby NOW, making threats to leave, showing that his getting counseling is just fine for HIM, etc.) You need to ask yourself: What is it I'm REALLY insecure about?

Marriage is not simply endless sex, boundless passion, and eyes glued to each other's faces. A healthy marriage, like any other healthy relationship, takes work *and* compromise - and that means each of you facing your own issues as well as reality.

Good luck and best wishes to both of you.


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