# Should I tell my Girlfriend the truth?



## BM92

I’ve been with this girl for 2 years, and we are having a baby together. I love her so much, but one night I got drunk & slept with someone else.
I don’t like keeping secrets, and I’m disgusted with what I have done.
I truly hate myself, because she loves me so much, and I have broken her trust. I don’t like keeping secrets from her, and I want to be honest with her, even if that means she never wants to see me again.
I know what I’ve done, but I’m prepared to face the consequences. I love her very much, and I’m sorry I’ve let her down.

if I had a second chance I wouldn’t do it again.

A close friend has advised against been honest with her, and keeping a secret, to avoid the risk of losing her & my child.

I don’t want that, I really don’t, but I’m over consumed by guilt, self disgust, and remorse. I want to marry her one day, but I’m not sure I can based a marriage on secret, even though I really do love her.

What should I do????
OP's


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## OnTheFly

Did you get drunk and screw around before or after you knew your GF was pregnant?

How long did you prepare to bang the side piece? I don’t accept the “I was drunk and it just happened” canard, either. Unless, of course, you were so black out drunk that you were raped? That’s not what happened, right?

Presumably you’ve been drunk before and didn’t have sex with someone else, so the “my penis fell into her vagina cuz of booze” isn’t the reason, right?

Lets be honest, this is just a way to get out of being shackled with a family. Despite saying you love her, the idea of marriage to her seems entirely tepid.

Anyway, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe this ONS was so totally out of character for you, and you honestly love her and the future baby to your dying breath....then the answer is a no brainer. Stop talking about it with your friends and strangers in the web, and bury it so deep that it never surfaces again. If the consequence of that is a life time of guilt and remorse for your stupid ****ery, then so be it. That baby deserves a chance at being raised in a loving home and not being a future crime stat.

IMO, of course.


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## Jamieboy

Depends what you're prepared to do to make sure it never happens again. If you're honest with yourself and think it will happen again, just bail now and save your gf from a lifetime of pain.

If you were genuinely not looking for strange then lock it down, stop talking about it and be the best bf you can be.


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## snowbum

You should break up if you don’t know if you can marry her. It seems that you aren’t sure this is a one off.


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## EleGirl

BM92 said:


> I’ve been with this girl for 2 years, and we are having a baby together. I love her so much, but one night I got drunk & slept with someone else.
> I don’t like keeping secrets, and I’m disgusted with what I have done.
> I truly hate myself, because she loves me so much, and I have broken her trust. I don’t like keeping secrets from her, and I want to be honest with her, even if that means she never wants to see me again.
> I know what I’ve done, but I’m prepared to face the consequences. I love her very much, and I’m sorry I’ve let her down.
> 
> if I had a second chance I wouldn’t do it again.
> 
> A close friend has advised against been honest with her, and keeping a secret, to avoid the risk of losing her & my child.
> 
> I don’t want that, I really don’t, but I’m over consumed by guilt, self disgust, and remorse. I want to marry her one day, but I’m not sure I can based a marriage on secret, even though I really do love her.
> 
> What should I do????
> OP's


There are two points of view on this. A lot of counselors would suggest you not tell her and that for the rest of your relationship you make it up to her and be the best partner, spouse, and parent you could possibly be. Other would tell you to tell her because she has the right to know the truth and make up her own mind of whether or not she wants to stay with you.

In your case, I lean towards not ever telling her. But this is your life and in the end you need to decide what you can live with.

Is there any chance that your friend(s), the woman you had sex with, or someone else will eventually tell your girlfriend about this?


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## *Deidre*

I think you should tell her because she has a right to know who she may be starting a future with. You can use the opportunity to own up to your mistake and give her the choice to stay or break up. If it leads to a break up, at least you were honest and transparent.


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## BM92

EleGirl said:


> There are two points of view on this. A lot of counselors would suggest you not tell her and that for the rest of your relationship you make it up to her and be the best partner, spouse, and parent you could possibly be. Other would tell you to tell her because she has the right to know the truth and make up her own mind of whether or not she wants to stay with you.
> 
> In your case, I lean towards not ever telling her. But this is your life and in the end you need to decide what you can live with.
> 
> Is there any chance that your friend(s), the woman you had sex with, or someone else will eventually tell your girlfriend about this?


No there is no way of her finding out, but I don’t want to lie or keep secrets. I am certain I want to marry her, but I want to be honest with her. If we could find a way to move forward & work on making our relationship stronger, I want to do it. 
I will never repeat this mistake, I’m genuinely sorry.


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## BM92

*Deidre* said:


> I think you should tell her because she has a right to know who she may be starting a future with. You can use the opportunity to own up to your mistake and give her the choice to stay or break up. If it leads to a break up, at least you were honest and transparent.


that’s what I’ve been thinking


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## In Absentia

Will you be happy to deprive your child of a proper family and his/her natural father? It’s not just what YOU want. Who benefits from your truth? It’s not all black and white. Good luck!


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## snowbum

How do you know this other person?


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## EleGirl

BM92 said:


> No there is no way of her finding out, but I don’t want to lie or keep secrets. I am certain I want to marry her, but I want to be honest with her. If we could find a way to move forward & work on making our relationship stronger, I want to do it.
> I will never repeat this mistake, I’m genuinely sorry.


Why is it that you want to tell her? Is it to make yourself feel better, like a better person for being honest? Or is it because you feel that it's important that she know so that she can decide whether or not to stay with you? Contemplate that for a while. It's important.

If you tell her, or even if you don't, there are things that you can do to build a better and stronger relationship with her.

There are a lot of self-help books out there that would help you and her both.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald

These two books could help you two building a stronger relationship:

Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love: Harley, Willard F. Jr. 

His Needs, Her Needs: Making Romantic Love Last: Harley, Willard F. Jr.


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## EleGirl

How many months pregnant is your girlfriend?

How long ago was the one-night-stand?


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## Twodecades

BM92 said:


> I’ve been with this girl for 2 years, and we are having a baby together. I love her so much, but one night I got drunk & slept with someone else.
> I don’t like keeping secrets, and I’m disgusted with what I have done.
> I truly hate myself, because she loves me so much, and I have broken her trust. I don’t like keeping secrets from her, and I want to be honest with her, even if that means she never wants to see me again.
> I know what I’ve done, but I’m prepared to face the consequences. I love her very much, and I’m sorry I’ve let her down.
> 
> if I had a second chance I wouldn’t do it again.
> 
> A close friend has advised against been honest with her, and keeping a secret, to avoid the risk of losing her & my child.
> 
> I don’t want that, I really don’t, but I’m over consumed by guilt, self disgust, and remorse. I want to marry her one day, but I’m not sure I can based a marriage on secret, even though I really do love her.
> 
> What should I do????
> OP's


How would you feel if roles were reversed? If she did this to you, would you be okay with her burying it, looking at you every day and saying "I love you"...all while pretending she had never betrayed you?


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## BeyondRepair007

I’m in the “tell her” camp.

How many BS come here destroyed because their SO was dishonest and cheated many years ago. They invariably question everything that has happened since then. Every time their WS was late somewhere or behaved unexpectedly… their once perfect life was now called into question.

If you were asking this question after 15 years since the event then I might have a different thought. But right now? She deserves the truth. I would opt for honesty. Don’t start the marriage with this lie.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

I have two opinions here. First, it's idiotic to have a kid with someone you have been in a relationship with for only two years. The second is that you should not say a word and just learn from this stupid mistake. 

A child in almost all cases does better with two parents together. If you tell her and it ends the relationship. Well you will be a single dad paying support for at least 18 years, she will be a single mom, and the child will miss out on growing up with both parents. In this case I believe confessing will be more harmful than just burying this huge drunken mistake.


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## BM92

EleGirl said:


> How many months pregnant is your girlfriend?
> 
> How long ago was the one-night-stand?


7 months, and the one night stand was 2 months ago


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## TexasMom1216

She deserves to know. She also needs to get tested for STDs.


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## ah_sorandy

Come clean and take your consequences. Starting a family, and possibly getting married, does not bode well if there are secrets involved.

And yes, you both need to be tested for STDs.

Best of luck with whatever direction you choose to go in.


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## DownByTheRiver

BM92 said:


> I’ve been with this girl for 2 years, and we are having a baby together. I love her so much, but one night I got drunk & slept with someone else.
> I don’t like keeping secrets, and I’m disgusted with what I have done.
> I truly hate myself, because she loves me so much, and I have broken her trust. I don’t like keeping secrets from her, and I want to be honest with her, even if that means she never wants to see me again.
> I know what I’ve done, but I’m prepared to face the consequences. I love her very much, and I’m sorry I’ve let her down.
> 
> if I had a second chance I wouldn’t do it again.
> 
> A close friend has advised against been honest with her, and keeping a secret, to avoid the risk of losing her & my child.
> 
> I don’t want that, I really don’t, but I’m over consumed by guilt, self disgust, and remorse. I want to marry her one day, but I’m not sure I can based a marriage on secret, even though I really do love her.
> 
> What should I do????
> OP's


You can't lose your child from cheating. But yeah, you should be aware your relationship will never be the same and may be over once you get this off your chest. The courts don't give a crap if someone cheated, and they can't, because it's he said/she said. There's no way to prove the other party wasn't also cheating, and they very often were. As far as child support, if there was some reason someone might be bringing a parade of strangers into the home endangering the children, there's a remote chance of that affecting custody, but usually both mates will be dating, so it doesn't make a lot of sense to make an issue out of it that could come back to bite you. Plus if you do joint custody, you'll have plenty of time without the kids and can date on those days.


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## Diana7

How can she possibly make a decision as to whether to marry you when she doesn't know the truth? Otherwise you would be marrying her under false pretenses.
Yes you need to tell her and she can then decide whether to stay with a man who can't even be faithful for 2 years, especially when you have a baby on the way.

You then need to start setting clear boundaries with other women whether she wants you to stay or not. Plus stop going to places without her and getting drunk.
Oh and as has been said you both need to be tested for STDs, they are rife. Horrible for her to have to do being pregnant but very important for her health and the babies health.


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## Anastasia6

If you don’t tell her you are stealing her agency to decide if she wants to marry you or not, to stay with you or not.


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## GusPolinski

Yes.


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## Casual Observer

She needs to be told. And unless you are willing to change, she should not marry you. Nobody should. There is no excuse for getting drunk and cheating on your spouse or girlfriend. 

She needs her agency, as others have said. She needs to know she is marrying someone who cares more about losing himself in a bottle than the relationship. She may require that you never drink again. Plenty of people "drink" and don't cheat. You are in the group that drinks and cheats. Once you lose yourself to the bottle, all your promises are worthless.

And as others have said, you both need to be tested for STDs. You actually put your baby at risk. 

It is so wrong, in so many ways, to suggest you should have anything to say in whether the truth about who you are should be a factor in whether she marries you. That should be her choice to make, based on the truth. You may still have a shot at staying together, but it will require a lot of work on your part, enforced boundaries, and losing the type of selfishness required to deny her agency.


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## bobert

BM92 said:


> 7 months, and the one night stand was 2 months ago


I think she does deserve to know but you are going to destroy her. Cheating is bad enough, it's worse all around when the woman is pregnant. And I know that from personal experience. 

However, finding out that your partner is cheating on you (especially while pregnant) is incredibly stressful (among other things). It's not unheard of for severe stress to put a woman into pre-term labor. I have heard that from people who work in L&D and who have had patients in that scenario. According to my wife's OB, it's more common at 28 weeks and beyond - which is where your GF is. It also increases the risk of other complications, like being SGA. She will also be a much higher risk for PPD. And good luck trying to reconcile while dealing with the postpartum period, no sleep, newborn phase, first-time parents adjusting, etc. 

So she does need to know, but when... that's a hard one. The answer may be to tell her when things with the new phase in life have settled a bit. 

The problem with that (aside from living a lie) is that you have exposed her to potential STD's. Pregnant women are screened for STD's during pregnancy 2-3 times, but they don't test for everything usually. You could be risking the baby's health, as well as your GF's and your own.


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## bobert

BM92 said:


> No there is no way of her finding out


Thinking like this is just plain stupid. There are _at least_ two other people who know about it - the woman/man you had a ONS with, and the close friend. Either one of them could tell her, or she could find out from someone else you told OR someone else they told.


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## frusdil

I am shocked to see the cheating was only two months ago. Given that, I think you have to tell her. Had it happened right at the beginning of the relationship I would say not to, but given that she's invested two years of her life in you and is having your baby, I think she needs to know.

This will absolutely break her heart, but she has the right to know.


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## Openminded

Secrets often are exposed years — even decades — later.


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## Tested_by_stress

BM92 said:


> 7 months, and the one night stand was 2 months ago


Based on this info, yes you should tell her and yes she should kick your ass to the curb.


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## Casual Observer

bobert said:


> Thinking like this is just plain stupid. There are _at least_ two other people who know about it - the woman/man you had a ONS with, and the close friend. Either one of them could tell her, or she could find out from someone else you told OR someone else they told.


And OP when he’s had too much to drink.


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## sokillme

The moral thing to do is give her back her agency, what you are doing now is preventing her from giving informed consent about her life and her future.

Now there is this idea that some people wouldn't want to know, especially if it's a one time thing. Thing is I don't really believe in one time things, not without consequences so I don't think this is a real scenario.

I honestly think post like this really don't matter anyway because If you are the type who will cheat again your not going to tell no matter what you post here. On the other hand if you really are penitent and remorseful then that's going to cause you to agonize over this until you do tell her one day anyway. However until tell her it's going to be a hidden barrier in your relationship, one she won't understand but sense. So not wanting to know still has dire consequences even if you don't know.

Which is another reason to tell because if the guilt is going to get to you eventually anyway, the sooner you tell her the better as to not waste anymore of her time.

Besides it's going to come out eventually anyway, these things always do. Either you will brake down and tell, or some other way it will come out. The worst would be if it does 20 years from now and she feels like her entire life was stolen from her because she never made informed decisions. 

For all these reasons you should tell her.


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## BM92

bobert said:


> Thinking like this is just plain stupid. There are _at least_ two other people who know about it - the woman/man you had a ONS with, and the close friend. Either one of them could tell her, or she could find out from someone else you told OR someone else they told.


the woman who I had the one night stand with is a randomer, and has to connection to either of us.
My friend is a good close personal friend, and he would never say anything to her. If he did, he’s knows he’d be taking his last breath.


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## Diana7

BM92 said:


> the woman who I had the one night stand with is a randomer, and has to connection to either of us.
> My friend is a good close personal friend, and he would never say anything to her. If he did, he’s knows he’d be taking his last breath.


So you have told your friend but not her???? That's just so wrong.
Plus his advise is terrible.


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## snowbum

If you loved your girlfriend you wouldn’t bang strangers. I hope she finds out before you ruin her life. Your friend sounds like a peach.


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## Diceplayer

Nope, don't tell her. You just devastate her world and to what end? To make yourself feel better? That would be a selfish thing to do. Just keep your mouth shut.


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## Junebug86

BM92 said:


> No there is no way of her finding out, but I don’t want to lie or keep secrets. I am certain I want to marry her, but I want to be honest with her. If we could find a way to move forward & work on making our relationship stronger, I want to do it.
> I will never repeat this mistake, I’m genuinely sorry.


It sounds as though you truly are remorseful. Allowing yourself to be in an environment where you are drinking and have the opportunity certainly says you don’t have good boundaries. What happens if this one night stand gets pregnant, passes on an STD, etc. Your actions have affected many other people around you. Maybe, you need to explore your drinking habits. Have you had issues with poor decision making while intoxicated? You have a child on the way and it’s time to grow up. People make mistakes and they can be given second chances. Seek out a good therapist and let them guide as to what would be best for you and your situation.


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## SunCMars

Openminded said:


> _Secrets_ often are exposed years — even decades — later.


Those _secrets_ are made known for a reason. 

A page turns, a new chapter of life is due.

Life is not that straight line.
We grow, we age, we lessen.

Our lives are always that arcing arrow, that arrow ricocheting off those unavoidable, hard fates met.

We share this life with the Masses.

We are never _our own_ person, never owning an unaffected Fate.



_SunCMars- _


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## ConanHub

BM92 said:


> And you sound like LOVELY AND CONCERNED LADY


Dude, I was about to reach into my vast bag of experience for you and then you do this.

You have a lot of growing up to do, that is what I would advise.

If you were a stronger man, you wouldn't need to come here for advice on this one.

Your girlfriend and child need you to be a grown up and self control would help.

You should delete that remark and apologize for losing your temper.

P.S. I fixed your post in my quote. I hope you stick around and learn something.


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## Evinrude58

Anastasia and Diana7 are right.
tell her. Don’t be rotten enough to marry her and keep it a secret and steal her chance to get rid of you. 

btw, you said if your own friend told her he’d draw his last breath and you called another poster a foul name. That’s pretty odd.

you just don’t really sound like a trustworthy dude. You get drunk and f around with random girls while your gf is 2 months pregnant. Anyone can say they’re sorry.

This is a betrayal that really can’t be atoned for.
I too think your gf should dump you. But tell her and ten years from now when you’ve been a good dad and supported your daughter and if your gf takes you back and you treat her right, you can prove naysayers like me wrong.


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## AVR1962

What did you learn about yourself and your feelings for your girlfriend by being with this other woman? What was the draw, besides that you had been drinking, to this other woman? Have you seen, spoke with, or text this other woman since? Do you feel you can be faithful to your girlfriend after this? 

If you tell her the truth you will free your guilt and you might feel you have done the right thing by her, however is puts a tremendous weight on her shoulders. Not only is she pregnant with your child but she probably has plans for a future with you and then you crush her dreams with this information. Trust is extremely hard to rebuild and her reaction could easily change how she sees you and reacts to you moving forward. 

My advise is going to be different than most here. If this sincerely was something you regret and you feel the connection to your girlfriend and there has been no further contact to the other woman I would not admit this. If you need to deal with guilt contact a counselor. If you feel you cannot commit to your girlfriend and be faithful to her let her go, take your responsibility for the child but again I would not admit even then. I am a 59 year old female who has been cheated on. There are serial cheaters in this world who cannot be faithful and for these types it is best to not get seriously involved with anyone. If that is not you deal with your guilt but I would not offload it onto her.


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## ConanHub

@BM92 , if you delete the offensive post and apologize to the lady you reviled, I will share a tale or two and some hard earned life experience that might just help your young ass through this mess you made.


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## SunCMars

I see this differently.

Could this be a well-crafted survey?

Getting, and logging in male and female opinions on one-night stands?

This thread, being a means and a way of charting current societal mores' on cheating?

Note:
This blog will not be representative of _society-at-large._

Few here will give you their real opinions.

Many here have been burned by infidelity, hence they are unforgiving.
Which, is OK.

Most here will spout the correct and moral answer to your question, _do I tell, or do I remain silent_.

People on this blog have long memories. 
If you speak your real mind you will be shunned, forever.



_The Typist-_


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## EleGirl

*The OP is permanently banned as he seems to have a habit of attacking others, name calling using profanity, and overriding the profanity filters. He was warned that if he continued this, he would get a perma-ban. He continued. Thus, he earned the perma ban.*

*The offending posts have been deleted.*


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## Mybabysgotit

BM92 said:


> I’ve been with this girl for 2 years, and we are having a baby together. I love her so much, but one night I got drunk & slept with someone else.
> I don’t like keeping secrets, and I’m disgusted with what I have done.
> I truly hate myself, because she loves me so much, and I have broken her trust. I don’t like keeping secrets from her, and I want to be honest with her, even if that means she never wants to see me again.
> I know what I’ve done, but I’m prepared to face the consequences. I love her very much, and I’m sorry I’ve let her down.
> 
> if I had a second chance I wouldn’t do it again.
> 
> A close friend has advised against been honest with her, and keeping a secret, to avoid the risk of losing her & my child.
> 
> I don’t want that, I really don’t, but I’m over consumed by guilt, self disgust, and remorse. I want to marry her one day, but I’m not sure I can based a marriage on secret, even though I really do love her.
> 
> What should I do????
> OP's


Be warned that this stuff will come back in your relationship 10-20-30 years later. It's never forgotten. I was in your position 15 years ago and it just came to bite me again the other day.


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## OnTheFly

EleGirl said:


> *The OP is permanently banned as he seems to have a habit of attacking others, name calling using profanity, and overriding the profanity filters. He was warned that if he continued this, he would get a perma-ban. He continued. Thus, he earned the perma ban.
> 
> The offending posts have been deleted.*


Honestly, not surprised considering the msg he sent me.

However, now I'll forever wondering what "BM" meant?? BigMouth or BowelMovement.....arrrgh, this is going to haunt me forever.


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## PhilWynn

*Deidre* said:


> I think you should tell her because she has a right to know who she may be starting a future with. You can use the opportunity to own up to your mistake and give her the choice to stay or break up. If it leads to a break up, at least you were honest and transparent.


I totally agree with this comment


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