# When the only thing left is the kids



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

15 years of marriage is a long time and lot of bad history. I am at the point where the only reason that might keep me is the kids. 

The last 6 years this marriage have been deteriorating and gone through a painfully slow death. We have gone through multiple marriage counselors, therapists, individual ones and group support. We have tried those communication skill and listening skills practices. We have read books. None seemed to make any difference.

The problem is that there is no love. I don't love him. He refuses to admit that he doesn't really love me either. He loves himself and loves the concept of someone else loves him.

I was 22, he was 35, when we married. At the time, I thought I was marrying to someone who is mature. Gosh am I wrong. First couple of years were masked by more simple time of life. I thought conflicts were because we didn't try enough or I didn't try hard enough. Little did I realize how the vast inequality in our marriage fundamentally set ourselves for failure. I come from a different culture and background than him. He has a two year degree from a community college. I have a doctoral degree and make twice amount the money. Last 15 years, I have personally grown a lot and changed a lot. He remained pretty the same person.

Everyday in the last 10 years, what has given me the strength to put up with everything in this miserable marriage are my kids's. Everyday, I look at their faces and I told myself that sacrificing my happiness is worth it.

But he needs my love. He demands my love. He fight with me to make me love him. He desperately wants someone to love him and he put all that onus on me. He is estranged with his own family and he has no friends. He had a lot of childhood issue including abuse. So needless to say, he has almost no self esteem. And our vast difference in almost every aspect of life furthered his low self esteem. And he compensated that by being manipulative and using power play in this marriage. 

But I just don't love him at all. Almost everything he does or say irritates me. 15 years of living together, I coped those fundamental differences by pretending that they don't bother me, or ignoring the fact they bother me, or staying away. I don't know any other way. How would you live with someone that you just don't like let alone love? Every time we fight or disagree, it is a brutal reminder of the huge mistake I made 15 years ago. And the deep regret and disappointment in myself that I am seriously trapped and can't do anything about it because of the kids.

Divorce talk has been on and off the last 2-3 years between us. I had always held the bottom line that I am here for the kids. Let's leave each other alone and just focus on the kids. But his needs to be loved, specially by me, dictate all his action. All his childish temper tantrum, selfish behavior, compulsive action, emotional vacillation, ridiculous lash outs, immature thinking, are all justified in his mind. Because he just wants me to love him, and I am a B** for just not willing to 'give it to him'. I told him what he asked me for, I can't gave. I keep saying that 'you want a million dollars from me, maybe several years ago I have 100 bucks in my account, now I have zero because all my patience has worn out'.

2 weeks ago, in another argument about how I don't talk to him or be close to him, he finally break the line and announced to the kid that we are getting a divorce. I was begging him not to lash out and do things in a rush. But he did it. We crossed that bridge that I have for so many years fearful to cross. The next day, he started back tracking and said he made a mistake, he was just being selfish, blah blah blah...

I just feel that I am done. I am don't with putting up with all the BS. I am don't with trying to take care of a giant baby. I am done with being blamed for not loving him. I am done with living in regret. 

But the kids... they are so innocent in all of this. And they are still in the age that they need us a lot. In the last few years, I have been reading a lot of stuff about how divorce impact kids. I myself came from a divorced family so I really don't want to put my kids through this. I am even ok to take a huge hit financially just to get out of this marriage. But every time I look at my kids, my heard breaks into a million pieces......

I don't know what kind of response I could get from here. I guess I am hoping someone had similar experience and on the other side now whatever the decision might have been.


----------

