# Struggling with addiction & depression



## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

I’m writing this because I need advice...
My husband is an alcoholic. Since Covid his drinking and coping skills have been on the decline (drinking binges have increased & his ability to cope with the daily demands of working have decreased).
I have a good job, make descent money; he has a business and makes good money when he’s actually working. Now, in recent months, he is not eating properly, he has terrible mood swings, he is apathetic about working and will not sleep (insomnia is horrible). Obviously, he’s clinically depressed, and to compound things, he’s treating his issues with alcohol (all kinds) & cigarettes. We’ve been to doctor twice now. With Covid I’m not allowed into office, I have left messages but clearly have no clue if the physician received them or what my husband tells him during the encounters. He was placed on trazadone for sleep but doesn’t take it consistently. He refuses counseling, AA, or anything (medications, therapies, etc). His behavior is clearly affecting our marriage, his work, the employees, and my health ( I have cancer & recently was diagnosed with hypertension). I have contemplated leaving but I do love & care for him. His diligence and dedication to helping me when I was critically ill was amazing. Needless to say, I’m alive because of him.
I just can’t seem to reach him, to get him to admit he needs professional help, and treatment. It angers him. The family knows, but like me, we’ve been unable to get him to cooperate. I’m going to Alanon, but that’s not really helping. It’s a difficult and sad circumstance. Any suggestions?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Has he ever told you why he is so self-destructive? I know he is clinically depressed, but curing that with alcohol is the biggest mistake he can make. I went through a phase like that. It's terrible. How are things between the two of you? There must be a reason for all of this. He needs to be on meds for his depression and no alcohol. Easier said than done, especially because he doesn't seem to be wanting to cooperate. Do you have an idea of the reason why he is like this?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You may need to actually leave for him to realise what he is doing to you and the marriage. It may just jolt him into doing something about it. He has to want to though.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Sadly there's probably not much if anything you can do. Unless he gets so low that you need to take control of the situation and commit him to rehab He has to want to help himself.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Has he ever told you why he is so self-destructive? I know he is clinically depressed, but curing that with alcohol is the biggest mistake he can make. I went through a phase like that. It's terrible. How are things between the two of you? There must be a reason for all of this. He needs to be on meds for his depression and no alcohol. Easier said than done, especially because he doesn't seem to be wanting to cooperate. Do you have an idea of the reason why he is like this?


To answer your question: There appear to be several reasons for his behavior. His family has a strong history of alcoholism. There is a history of mental illness: bipolar & depression. He’s a very private person, more family oriented and family centric, than social with friends or acquaintances.
He’s incredibly sensitive & loyal. His plans to be a pilot were derailed when he got his ex pregnant and decided to marry her . He never finished college, he went to work & started his own business. They divorced because she cheated & his drinking likely drove her to cheat ( I’m assuming). To this day, we cannot discuss his ex or the circumstances leading to the divorce. He will never forgive her nor accept any responsibility for the break up. He lost everything and remains bitter to this day. He had to start life and living all over again. I’m really trying to be patient. Sometimes, he will say he needs to quit drinking and smoking. I’m trying to encourage that and be genuinely kind. I’m praying Alanon will give me the support I need. I think he wants to be better, it just the craving is so powerful. It’s incomprehensible to me...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

What is working for you at al-anon? What do you get from it?

What is missing or not working for you there?

Does he know you go?

Have you considered counseling for yourself?

I’m really sorry you are in this situation.

When he stood by you and supported you while undergoing cancer treatment, were you cooperative and voluntarily and actively engage with the recommended treatment?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Night Owl1 said:


> To answer your question: There appear to be several reasons for his behavior. His family has a strong history of alcoholism. There is a history of mental illness: bipolar & depression. He’s a very private person, more family oriented and family centric, than social with friends or acquaintances.
> He’s incredibly sensitive & loyal. His plans to be a pilot were derailed when he got his ex pregnant and decided to marry her . He never finished college, he went to work & started his own business. They divorced because she cheated & his drinking likely drove her to cheat ( I’m assuming). To this day, we cannot discuss his ex or the circumstances leading to the divorce. He will never forgive her nor accept any responsibility for the break up. He lost everything and remains bitter to this day. He had to start life and living all over again. I’m really trying to be patient. Sometimes, he will say he needs to quit drinking and smoking. I’m trying to encourage that and be genuinely kind. I’m praying Alanon will give me the support I need. I think he wants to be better, it just the craving is so powerful. It’s incomprehensible to me...


He needs to stop drinking... I wouldn't recommend he does both, because it would be a hell of a ride. Unfortunately, he is the one who needs to make this decision. There isn't a lot you can do about it. You either accept it or tell him you are leaving him, but be prepared to go through with it. Maybe the shock will make him see sense, but, somehow, I doubt it. Alcohol is very difficult beast to beat. He also needs some form of therapy.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> What is working for you at al-anon? What do you get from it?
> 
> What is missing or not working for you there?
> 
> ...


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

What works with Alanon is that we all share a common experience. We love the alcoholic and some of us simply need to ventilate in a place where we won’t be judged and it’s anonymous. They are spiritually based and use passages or words to live by to help you cope. Living with an alcoholic takes a toll on your emotional bank account. Sometimes you don’t always have enough time to talk or your situation doesn’t really fit the agenda. They always have prepared talking points.
My husband knows I’m going. He’s not receptive because he worries about our business. We live in a small tight knit community.
I do not go for independent counseling. My medical bills are outrageous with my underlying health issues.
During my treatment, other than dying, it was the only option to live. I chose living. He was sober for 7 months. Had no sex for six of those months. He helped me more than anyone in my family or friend circle. This is the main reason I can’t abandon him. I truly love him, despite his disease. I owe it to try anything I can. I think he wants help, he just can’t get past the shame and embarrassment. He struggles with his emotions a lot.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> He needs to stop drinking... I wouldn't recommend he does both, because it would be a hell of a ride. Unfortunately, he is the one who needs to make this decision. There isn't a lot you can do about it. You either accept it or tell him you are leaving him, but be prepared to go through with it. Maybe the shock will make him see sense, but, somehow, I doubt it. Alcohol is very difficult beast to beat. He also needs some form of therapy.


Your absolutely correct. Right now, he’s receptive to seeing his doctor only. He has a 3 month follow up. I’m planning to schedule his physical in the interim in an effort for him to see MD sooner.
He still, when sober, is not willing to do counseling. Idk if it’s a man thing or his culture. His parents do not seek medical care unless it’s absolutely necessary. I think he is of the mindset that he can do this alcohol management himself... very stubborn...very German ( no offense to anyone German intended).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I was married to an alcoholic. He eventually succumbed to the addiction and died in January 2016. I started attending Al-Anon in 1996. Originally, I thought the program was a place I could vent and get support for the fallout I dealt with from living with my alcoholic husband ("AH"). While that is part of it, most importantly the core idea of the program is to teach us to back away from the alcoholic in order to quit trying to control the outcome and to tend to our own matters. Detach, detach, detach. 

Perhaps you don't realize it, but you are not allowing your husband to face the consequences of HIS addiction. He needs to get a physical? Remind him he needs to get a physical and then leave it up to him to schedule the appointment. How he decides to handle his addiction is his choice; not yours. If he wants to seek treatment, he can. If he wants to get into rehab, he can. If he wants to work a program, he can. 

I had to learn to respect my husband's right to drink himself to death. It wasn't an act of indifference. It was an act of love. If you are confused by what I'm telling you or want clarification, feel free to ask more questions.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Totally right. You can't control an alcoholic. It has to come from within. And it rarely happens.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Night Owl1 said:


> What works with Alanon is that we all share a common experience. We love the alcoholic and some of us simply need to ventilate in a place where we won’t be judged and it’s anonymous. They are spiritually based and use passages or words to live by to help you cope. Living with an alcoholic takes a toll on your emotional bank account. Sometimes you don’t always have enough time to talk or your situation doesn’t really fit the agenda. They always have prepared talking points.
> My husband knows I’m going. He’s not receptive because he worries about our business. We live in a small tight knit community.
> I do not go for independent counseling. My medical bills are outrageous with my underlying health issues.
> During my treatment, other than dying, it was the only option to live. I chose living. He was sober for 7 months. Had no sex for six of those months. He helped me more than anyone in my family or friend circle. This is the main reason I can’t abandon him. I truly love him, despite his disease. I owe it to try anything I can. I think he wants help, he just can’t get past the shame and embarrassment. He struggles with his emotions a lot.


My first husband had his first bout with problem drinking when I had just turned 23 and he was nearly 24. His father dropped dead of a heart attack (at 46yrs old), and 5 weeks later his younger brother was killed in a car accident after sliding off the wet, leafy road...and the worst part about that was he was right behind him, so came upon the accident first, and sat in the car with his brother (who was unconscious), holding his hand while waiting for the ambulance and Life Flight to show up (he was brain dead about 12hrs later). I haven't spoken to him in over 15 years, but imagining that still brings tears to my eyes.

Then followed what I can only describe as a hellish 10 months where he tried to drink himself to death, and I couldn't bear to abandon him either, no matter what he did - to me or anyone else, including himself. It all culminated in him being arrested a second time for DUI, and being sent away for 4 weeks for alcohol treatment. He quit for 10 years after that, which was great!!

But my point to you is, staying to offer love and support for an alcoholic CAN be done - I don't recommend it AT ALL, but if you can be strong, you won't lose your sense of self and become co-dependent. You just need to set SOLID boundaries with yourself about what you will tolerate and how you will respond when your boundaries are violated by him (because they will be). And you cannot try to "save" him from his consequences. You've got to be very OPEN and HONEST about your feelings with him, while making sure you take full responsibility for the feelings you have.

You need to be clear with yourself that YOU are choosing to stay, you are NOT a victim of his drinking. YOU have full control over what you decide to do.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> My first husband had his first bout with problem drinking when I had just turned 23 and he was nearly 24. His father dropped dead of a heart attack (at 46yrs old), and 5 weeks later his younger brother was killed in a car accident after sliding off the wet, leafy road...and the worst part about that was he was right behind him, so came upon the accident first, and sat in the car with his brother (who was unconscious), holding his hand while waiting for the ambulance and Life Flight to show up (he was brain dead about 12hrs later). I haven't spoken to him in over 15 years, but imagining that still brings tears to my eyes.
> 
> Then followed what I can only describe as a hellish 10 months where he tried to drink himself to death, and I couldn't bear to abandon him either, no matter what he did - to me or anyone else, including himself. It all culminated in him being arrested a second time for DUI, and being sent away for 4 weeks for alcohol treatment. He quit for 10 years after that, which was great!!
> 
> ...


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Thank you ALL for the sage advice. To me, the easy solution would be to leave. I have certainly considered it through the years. I do have money set aside for this purpose should the situation be unsafe. However, I feel that I owe it to myself to really try to see if I can stay, love him unconditionally, and still find that element of contentment in the relationship. I realize he MUST be willing and wanting to do the work to live a healthier life. After all, he expects me to go to chemo as directed and continue my preventative regimen. That is a double standard & I do remind him he should want to take care of himself as he expects me to take care of myself. Again, that’s easier said, than done. I feel in my heart, if I walked away, it would be a selfish act on my part. I feel he’s trying, albeit a non-traditional method, to cut down the toxic drinking. Time will tell. Rome wasn’t built in a day....but leaving him now would completely derail his efforts to improve himself. Remember, he is seeing his doctor, he is now taking his medication, he’s working & providing for us, and he is not consuming alcohol at an alarming rate. Now, if he can somehow manage to stay the course, maybe he’ll choose sobriety over toxicity.
It’s very possible, if he’s committed. I agree with LisaDiane, I must continue to set boundaries & choose my battles wisely. This is an area where I need to be more aware of my responses to his behaviors that I dislike or don’t approve. Thanks again for the responses. They’ve been very helpful.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

He probably went in to your Dr appointments. Seems only fair he would consent to you joining in fir his, and signing HIppa docs to convey Brent to you and his doc talking whenever without him. He surely is not being honest with doc


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> He probably went in to your Dr appointments. Seems only fair he would consent to you joining in fir his, and signing HIppa docs to convey Brent to you and his doc talking whenever without him. He surely is not being honest with doc


I do have HiPAA rights. With Covid the office will not allow me in to accompany him. His doctor doesn’t dialogue with me. However, I can and have left messages. Covid has really impacted so many of us. I’ve met with MD last year. He is aware of my husband’s binging.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Night Owl1 said:


> With Covid the office will not allow me in to accompany him.


Call the office (don't trust your husband's word) and ask if they will allow him to call you or video call during the appointment. Alternatively, he can voice record the appointment and let you listen to it. If he won't do that, then you know he's lying.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Night Owl1 said:


> Thank you ALL for the sage advice. To me, the easy solution would be to leave. I have certainly considered it through the years. I do have money set aside for this purpose should the situation be unsafe. However, I feel that I owe it to myself to really try to see if I can stay, love him unconditionally, and still find that element of contentment in the relationship. I realize he MUST be willing and wanting to do the work to live a healthier life. After all, he expects me to go to chemo as directed and continue my preventative regimen. That is a double standard & I do remind him he should want to take care of himself as he expects me to take care of myself. Again, that’s easier said, than done. I feel in my heart, if I walked away, it would be a selfish act on my part. I feel he’s trying, albeit a non-traditional method, to cut down the toxic drinking. Time will tell. Rome wasn’t built in a day....but leaving him now would completely derail his efforts to improve himself. Remember, he is seeing his doctor, he is now taking his medication, he’s working & providing for us, and he is not consuming alcohol at an alarming rate. Now, if he can somehow manage to stay the course, maybe he’ll choose sobriety over toxicity.
> It’s very possible, if he’s committed. I agree with LisaDiane, I must continue to set boundaries & choose my battles wisely. This is an area where I need to be more aware of my responses to his behaviors that I dislike or don’t approve. Thanks again for the responses. They’ve been very helpful.


Don't forget that for people like your husband (and my first husband), getting drunk is a COPING MECHANISM, so he is relying on it to fill in the gaps in his own emotional capabilities. That makes it VERY hard for them to refuse - when they need to escape from their feelings, they will come up with any rationalization to use alcohol.

The main point you MUST remember is that you cannot "save" him from anything. You've got to allow him to be an adult and to face the consequences of his own choices. You can be caring and supportive when he has to face them, which is much better than being bitter and resentful with him, but you don't step in and make his consequences easier. 

If you are going to stay, definitely keep seeing your Al-Anon group (although I never went, I do believe it would have helped me).

And I cannot stress enough how important defining and maintaining your own boundaries will be to your mental and emotional health. You should write them down (and you should probably start journaling in general to help you keep some clarity with your feelings) -- and things like NO physical violence (my first husband never hit me, or I would have been gone), NO sex with other women, etc, that are your major deal breakers, should be at the TOP.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Thank you


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

So, maybe you can schedule an appointment with his dr for just you. Purpose being for you to go in to assess whether the dr is fully aware of his condition, and whether the dr is truly an ally. If he’s not, then time to insist switch to new dr. Btw, chances seem good your husband lies to you about his drs awareness of his alcoholism.

Not sure what motivates your husband. But maybe if you are lucky there is something in a good drs toolbox to help. I am cautiously optimistic in my wife’s case, a perfect storm is occurring that may push her to wake the **** up and deal with her addiction. (Long story, but she has alcohol and self care issues, as well as the same category of cancer you’ve dealt with.). Her dr is a strong ally at this point, and I have open and direct communication with her dr as needed; that may be unusual as it is precipitated by requirements of her upcoming treatment for the cancer, and I feel lucky to have fallen into that situation; but, it might be possible to create a communication channel somehow to his dr in your case?

Would elevated liver enzymes or some other alcohol related physiological symptom motivate him?

Like has been said, you may need to be willing to distance yourself from him, and he may need to feel fear about your potential disconnect, before he will find some motivation. How to do that without causing a deeper retreat into alcohol I cannot say, but I think it also can backfire to let someone believe there will never be any consequences affecting your ability to love or be present in their ****ed up lives.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

It is true that you can't help someone that won't help themselves. Enabling him will get you no where. You need to detach from him and start caring for yourself.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Perhaps relevant, just stumbled across this:









Coronavirus Today: A perilous pandemic for recovering alcoholics — Los Angeles Times


The pandemic has sent thousands into relapse, and hospitals are seeing spikes in admissions for critical diseases such as alcoholic liver disease.




apple.news


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## HannahSmith (Jul 7, 2021)

Taking antidepressants. The attending physician makes the selection of the drug. When selecting takes into account the interaction with other medications, previous treatment results, and other indicators. The effect of red Bali kratom capsules is manifested over time: usually, the drugs begin to work in a few weeks after taking them, and their effect lasts for six months to a year. And psychotherapy is critical when working with patients who have been diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder. Therapy helps with feelings of fear and hopelessness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Night Owl1 said:


> I do have HiPAA rights. With Covid the office will not allow me in to accompany him. His doctor doesn’t dialogue with me. However, I can and have left messages. Covid has really impacted so many of us. I’ve met with MD last year. He is aware of my husband’s binging.


As your husband is a vulnerable person (depression. alcoholism) COVID rules or not, they might not be able to refuse a responsible adult (you) to accompany him for his consultation, so long as you wear a mask and gloves.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Update…. My husband is better. He’s slowed his drinking and has been very helpful making dinner for us when i work and doing chores around the house.
He’s been more considerate. I’m happy to see his efforts. It’s made our life at home much better. I really appreciate the ability to vent in this forum. It’s very helpful. Thank you all!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you really want to get a good perspective about what al Anon offers YOU - do the step work! 
Alcoholism - top two symptoms are anxiety and depression. He may not be clinically depressed… just chronically drunk.

I hope he actually quits drinking. Not just cutting back. 

I don’t see a boundary FOR YOURSELF. You could work on that - it would help YOU.

But really - do yourself a favor and DO the steps in al anon.

I think your codependency is at work here. Even your title insinuates that this problem is yours - not your husbands issue.

Read codependent no more by melody Beattie - that may help you too. But a healthy boundary is definitely needed by you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Great news!

Something I picked up: He refuses to talk about the divorce, doesn’t like you going to Al Anon, doesn’t want to see a doctor.

He is proud. 

Secrets. 

The addiction is secondary.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Get a plan how to leave him. It’s only a matter of time until his binge kicks in heavily again.

You need to protect yourself and have a plan to help yourself. You are so busy being worried about him you aren’t considering your best interest. 

It time for you to take care of you - and let him take care of himself. He should be responsible for being his best self! And he should have consequences for any bad behavior.

Start creating emotional distance so you can see the situation clearly without those emotional lows he takes you on/creates with his drinking.

If he isn’t willing to get serious about stopping altogether - he isn’t helping himself or your marriage! Alcoholism is a beast - even when someone REALLY wants to quit it’s hard! 

Between AA and Al Anon I’ve sponsored more than 160 people. You will find the answers and happiness for yourself when you do the step work. I’d do them as quickly as you can. I hope you will.

And I hope you will look out for what’s best for you!

When you feel completely neutral about what he is or isn’t doing - that’s when you will know you’re making progress.

You deserve to be happy! You deserve better than what he’s been offering you!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Night Owl1 said:


> My husband is better. He’s slowed his drinking


Ah, yes. This is where an alcoholic doesn't think he's an alcoholic but can control his drinking.

Sorry to rain on your parade. Let us know if he relapses.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> He refuses to talk about the divorce, doesn’t like you going to Al Anon, doesn’t want to see a doctor.


It's commonly referred to as a "dry drunk."


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