# moving to wifes hometown, she wants to be able to hang w ex's as friends



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

So the wife and I are discussing our planned move to south florida. In this discussion we got to talking about how ill have no network of friends there, and that id like to be included and introduced to her network out there. That led to us discussing how she claimed a couple of exes were now friends, and were friends before she and I ever met. I told her I had an issue with her hanging out with ex's when I'm not around. Her response was the obvious choice. "So you're telling me I can't hang out with my friends?" To which I said, "I have no issue with you hanging out with friends if I'm not around, male or female, but no ex's." Because a couple of her ex's are in her circle of friends, she has a a problem with this. She looks at it as a resriction that I'm putting on her.

Help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LOST, she means, "I don't care what you think, I'll do what ever I want". And that means she doesn't know what a marriage is. Wives don't tell husbands that kind of crap. 

She is still trying to convince you that your concerns are too controlling. She is turning this on you. She is showing too many independent behaviors and your getting in her way. 

She said you were controlling, lol? Why is she married? There' only one way to fix this, boundaries and consequences. And from the sound of it you haven't been successful at either. Time to man up an put the relationship on the line. Or decide if you can live like a doormat.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You may want to delay the move until both of you can agree on some boundaries. Once she gets with old friends (& ex's), her attitude will change for the worse, and her respect for you will diminish. That situation is just asking for trouble.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

After talking for another 20 minutes, she has now said she's thought about it and agrees it's not worth it and won't do it. I'll Always be invited and the only way she'll go near an ex is if its in a large group setting that I'm either at or was invited to. Remember the issue here is her couple ex's are in the same circle of friends and this circle does things like kareokee, bowling, that kinda thing. Its always a group thing, couples,singles, etc.

Progress ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

From reading your other posts it seems like your wife wants to hang with whomever she feels like regardless of your feelings, and you are too afraid to seem controlling.

Call me a pessimist, but I dont think that's progress. There should be no desire from your wife to hang out with ex's. Even if there are other people around. The fact that she does is a huge red flag. When you get married ex's stay in the past.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Don't move back if you can help it. Sounds all good now -- but why did she have to even think about not hanging out with her exs? Sounds like she agreed just to make you happy -- I am not sure if she means it -- and after you move back -- what are you going to be able to do about it.

Read to many stories where spouses and exs are still friends -- and then become friends with benefits.

Read some of the other forums -- it may open your eyes as to what you may be be facing.

I hope I am wrong --- just want you to make the moving decision with both eyes WIDE OPEN.

Good luck.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

No i hear you guys. More So than i would have a month ago before reading no more me nice guy... It wad me who brought this subject up. And I read you all loud, and clear. But context is important. I think her issue is not so much about wanting to hang with the exs in particular, but she doesn't want to be forbid from hanging with her friends if an ex happens to be around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So who's idea is it to move to Florida anyway and why?

Couldn't you move further away from this circle? (BTW, a pentagram is usually drawn in a circle, isn't it? Coincidence? I think not!)


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Its kind of both our idea. We met in las vegas, but both from different cities, me in la, and her in south fl. We never planned on staying in vegas this long. And for a while now, she's mentioned how she thinks wed be better off in fl, careers, nice weather, were both miami dolphins fans etc... and she knows its always been a dream of mine to live in the miami area
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So move somewhere outside Miami where this "circle of friends" won't be so close by? That way you'll feel a little more at ease


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

No no no no no

NO friends with Ex's. Period end of story.

Not alone, not in a group, not in a train, not in a tree, not in a car, wifey poo let me be, I do not like your ex's. 

Repeat after me "I'm NOT okay with that".


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> So the wife and I are discussing our planned move to south florida. In this discussion we got to talking about how ill have no network of friends there, and that id like to be included and introduced to her network out there. That led to us discussing how she claimed a couple of exes were now friends, and were friends before she and I ever met. I told her I had an issue with her hanging out with ex's when I'm not around. Her response was the obvious choice. "So you're telling me I can't hang out with my friends?" To which I said, "I have no issue with you hanging out with friends if I'm not around, male or female, but no ex's." Because a couple of her ex's are in her circle of friends, she has a a problem with this. She looks at it as a resriction that I'm putting on her.
> 
> Help?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many if not most folks feel that EX lovers are forever a problem and that one is full no contact for the duration of the marriage. So these folks do not fall into the category of "just friends". 

IMO they are absolutely out of bounds permanently and that would also include any contact such as FB, email and / or texts. NC is NC.

Ignore this at your own risk.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> After talking for another 20 minutes, she has now said she's thought about it and agrees it's not worth it and won't do it. I'll Always be invited and the only way she'll go near an ex is if its in a large group setting that I'm either at or was invited to. Remember the issue here is her couple ex's are in the same circle of friends and this circle does things like kareokee, bowling, that kinda thing. Its always a group thing, couples,singles, etc.
> 
> Progress ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sliding boundaries. She is negotiating contact with her EXs. She does not seem to want to move on into a married realtionship. NC means NC.

The simple answer is she needs to choose between being married to you and her old life style. Time to grow up maybe.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jh52 said:


> Don't move back if you can help it. Sounds all good now -- but why did she have to even think about not hanging out with her exs? Sounds like she agreed just to make you happy -- I am not sure if she means it -- and after you move back -- what are you going to be able to do about it.
> 
> Read to many stories where spouses and exs are still friends -- and then become friends with benefits.
> 
> ...


Yeah I don't think I would move back there.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Ok, but what about her being ok with me hanging out with an x in a group situation. She Trusted me and that trust was never broken. Isn't it my turn to trust her? If I'm there, in starting not to see the issue. Have i gone mad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> Ok, but what about her being ok with me hanging out with an x in a group situation. She Trusted me and that trust was never broken. Isn't it my turn to trust her? If I'm there, in starting not to see the issue. Have i gone mad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you hang out with your ex's? Are you planning on it?


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I personally don't see the issue with being friends with an ex. I am close friends with one of my ex's and would not take kindly to my husband telling me who I can and cannot associate with. There should be trust in a marriage. Has she done anything to betray your trust?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> she doesn't want to be forbid from hanging with her friends if an ex happens to be around.


 One of the ex's will make it a point to happen to be around when you are not. 

All marriages have ups and downs. As part of a group of friends where they have know each other before, and where you are the outsider, the ex's will have insight as to when your marraige is on a down cycle. If you read the infidelity threads of any marraige forum, you will see that the exs are one of the top sources of affair partners. Exs are dangerous because they have already shown that they can be a couple, and because once a pair has crossed the intimacy threshold, it is easy to do it again without much effort. 

You must establish a solid marital boundary that she cannot hang out with her exs no matter what. If that means leaving the bar early, so be it. Better yet, since she had now shown you that she has a weak understanding of marraige, do not move to Florida.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> Because a couple of her ex's are in her circle of friends, she has a a problem with this. She looks at it as a resriction that I'm putting on her.
> 
> Help?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOSTFan: I'm sure you know what what my opinion is going to be based on our past "discussions". As a general rule in my home, *friendships with ex's are not permitted on either side.* We came to this conclusion a few years ago after a minor "incident" we had in our marriage. While I'm not exactly 100% proud of what I did, you can find my story here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ition-anyway-did-i-over-react.html#post726990

I think that this issue is an all or nothing proposition. If you are against her being friends with her Exs, I think she has to respect that. And naturally the same goes for you too, no friendships with your Exs. My logic behind this is position is that when one marries, one MUST give up a certain amount of their independence *and* individuality because a married couple, for the most part, is one unit, not two. If only one marriage partner is uncomfortable with bringing members of the opposite sex into their lives then it can't move forward. There will always be some resentment over this but personal sacrifice is part of the marriage equation. If either one of you can't get over that, then you need to be having a much broader discussion, if you know what I mean. Based on your subsequent posts, it seems that she might be acknowledging that there are risks to to your marriage by her keeping a close relationship with a former lover.

It might be a good idea not to move.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> Ok, but what about her being ok with me hanging out with an x in a group situation. She Trusted me and that trust was never broken. Isn't it my turn to trust her? If I'm there, in starting not to see the issue. Have i gone mad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are being cautiously sensible.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> No i hear you guys. More So than i would have a month ago before reading no more me nice guy... It wad me who brought this subject up. And I read you all loud, and clear. But context is important. I think her issue is not so much about wanting to hang with the exs in particular, *but she doesn't want to be forbid from hanging with her friends if an ex happens to be around.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Matters not. It amounts to the same thing. The real flag here is that she is unable to self regulate this. She should know that she needs to avoid contact with the EXs. This is the real problem. 

Make a clear boundary. No contact with her EXs. period.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> No no no no no
> 
> NO friends with Ex's. Period end of story.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

Wow. Awesome post.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I personally don't see the issue with being friends with an ex. I am close friends with one of my ex's and would not take kindly to my husband telling me who I can and cannot associate with. There should be trust in a marriage. Has she done anything to betray your trust?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At the very least, you should acknowledge that there are risks to a marriage when one partner keeps a close relationship with a former lover. Once you see and acknowledge those risks, you might have a better understanding your husband's POV. Now no one is saying that one marriage partner should subordinate themselves to the other partner, but when you get married, you do give up a certain amount of your individuality and you do have a certain responsibility to your partner.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I personally don't see the issue with being friends with an ex. I am close friends with one of my ex's and would not take kindly to my husband telling me who I can and cannot associate with. There should be trust in a marriage. Has she done anything to betray your trust?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you ever been married?

People talk about trust all the time. but as another poster pointed out, whatever happened to love and respect. 

Let's look at it this way: With your long term partner, you
1. Share a home
2. Mesh finances
3. Negotiate free time
4. Visit each other's family members, some of whom aren't all that nice or interesting
5. If you were sick, you would expect your SO to drop everything to help you

and yet, you still expect your SO to take a back seat to whatever kind of behaviours and boundaries that you arbitrarily choose with your ex.....who gets to pick and choose whatever responsibilities he wants to take in your life.

Well, if second best is what you have to offer an SO, good luck to you.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Yes, I am married, very happily. My husband and I have a very secure relationship, and understand that we can still have friends, innocently with someone of the opposite sex, while putting each other first. There is no risk in the friendship I have with my ex. We are friends, co volunteers, and I am his superior officer in our volunteer work. He is a welcome guest in our home and also a friend to my husband. There is no violation of trust, respect, commitment or love. Having friends of the opposite sex isn't giving my husband second best, it is simply having friends. 

To that point, my husband has no problem with my being friends with an ex, or any man for that matter, and I don't have issues with his female friends because we are each others priority and we would never let anyone get in the way of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tikii said:


> Yes, I am married, very happily. My husband and I have a very secure relationship, and understand that we can still have friends, innocently with someone of the opposite sex, while putting each other first. There is no risk in the friendship I have with my ex. We are friends, co volunteers, and I am his superior officer in our volunteer work. He is a welcome guest in our home and also a friend to my husband. There is no violation of trust, respect, commitment or love. Having friends of the opposite sex isn't giving my husband second best, it is simply having friends.
> 
> To that point, my husband has no problem with my being friends with an ex, or any man for that matter, and I don't have issues with his female friends because we are each others priority and we would never let anyone get in the way of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


good for you.

the ex gf of my exH stepped out of line big time before we got married. I definitely let him know I could not get married when she was still trying to act like they were still together. and mind you, she was engaged and married during the time that we were dating. 

I think especially because we weren't yet married, my exH let her know that her behaviour with him would no longer be tolerated. Of course, she said, oh, do I have pretend that we don't know each other.

After that talk, I never had any problems with her. So yes, people can have decent relationships with their ex's. (In my failed marriage, the problems were with the women I encountered after her.)


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Tikii said:


> Yes, I am married, very happily. My husband and I have a very secure relationship, and understand that we can still have friends, innocently with someone of the opposite sex, while putting each other first. There is no risk in the friendship I have with my ex. We are friends, co volunteers, and I am his superior officer in our volunteer work. He is a welcome guest in our home and also a friend to my husband. There is no violation of trust, respect, commitment or love. Having friends of the opposite sex isn't giving my husband second best, it is simply having friends.
> 
> To that point, my husband has no problem with my being friends with an ex, or any man for that matter, and I don't have issues with his female friends because we are each others priority and we would never let anyone get in the way of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In that case those are the boundaries that you and your husband have set for your relationship. If both of you are equally comfortable with those boundaries and one or the other isn't "settling", then everything is cool in your world. In the world of my marriage, being friends with an Ex isn't happening, and we are cool with that. It personally makes me (and hopefully my wife) feel better not to take a risk (increase temptation or whatever you want to call it) by bringing in former lovers back into our lives. Those are our boundaries. LOSTFan and spouse need to reach an understanding on their boundaries.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LOSTfan said:


> Ok, but what about her being ok with me hanging out with an x in a group situation. She Trusted me and that trust was never broken. Isn't it my turn to trust her? If I'm there, in starting not to see the issue. Have i gone mad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. This is just saying two wrongs make a right.

But you cannot have things both ways. You do need equitable boundaries. So stop seeing your EXs ... starting today. Tell her you were wrong and you do not feel this is acceptable for either of you.

Doing something very risky and ill advised and getting away with it is not reason to continue doing the bad thing. Not sure why folks are challenged by this really.

A young child crossing a very busy street and not getting killed the one time they did it does not prove that the policy of that young child crossing a busy street was a good thing. 

No you are not a young child. All the more reason to learn and make better choices.

Next reason you do not wish to be firm?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Tikii said:


> Yes, I am married, very happily. My husband and I have a very secure relationship, and understand that we can still have friends, innocently with someone of the opposite sex, while putting each other first. There is no risk in the friendship I have with my ex. We are friends, co volunteers, and I am his superior officer in our volunteer work. He is a welcome guest in our home and also a friend to my husband. There is no violation of trust, respect, commitment or love. Having friends of the opposite sex isn't giving my husband second best, it is simply having friends.
> 
> To that point, my husband has no problem with my being friends with an ex, or any man for that matter, and I don't have issues with his female friends because we are each others priority and we would never let anyone get in the way of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Every marriage has some component of openess.

That said, I hope that your still young marriage can continue to prosper with this. The key is that you both agree to this level of openess in your marriage. I think you are 23? So you married very young. But it is very common for someone at this age to feel that they do not need boundaries around opposite sex friends and EXs.

Your situation is uncommon. Congrats!!


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Every marriage has some component of openess.
> 
> That said, I hope that your still young marriage can continue to prosper with this. The key is that you both agree to this level of openess in your marriage.
> 
> Your situation is uncommon. Congrats!!


I wouldn't have it any other way, neither would not husband. Our marriage may be young but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a foundation that will stick with us through the years. 

In all honesty, I never believed our situation uncommon, and am surprised that it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I wouldn't have it any other way, neither would not husband. Our marriage may be young but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a foundation that will stick with us through the years.
> 
> In all honesty, I never believed our situation uncommon, and am surprised that it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my first marriage, I was open minded just like you about opposite sex friendships. 

Hopefully, it won't happen to you that your husband thinks some colleague, old classmate, whatever that he's reconnected with who he thinks is really neat, but who has decided that she's friends with your husband and that's that....ie you're invisible to her.

then you'll be rethinking things just like the rest of us.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tikii, read LOST other threads. You'll see he doesn't have a relationship like your's. That's why we are addressing him. If he had what you have, he wouldn't be here.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> Tikii, read LOST other threads. You'll see he doesn't have a relationship like your's. That's why we are addressing him. *If he had what you have he wouldn't be here.*



that begs the question.....then why is Tikii here, if everything in her marriage is so fine.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I wouldn't have it any other way, neither would not husband. Our marriage may be young but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a foundation that will stick with us through the years.
> 
> In all honesty, I never believed our situation uncommon, and am surprised that it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think most marriages start off with the best intentions. I doubt there are too many marriages that begin with the intention of having an affair or getting divorce later.

But if yours is not broken, why change it?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> that begs the question.....then why is Tikii here, if everything in her marriage is so fine.



for knowledge?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

aug said:


> for knowledge?


she doesn't want knowledge. She's told us that her marriage is perfect and that there's never a problem with the ex lurking around.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LOST, moving near an ex and wanting to be friends with him is just asking for a trouble. Have a look at the infidelity section and see how many threads are started due to ex's entering the picture.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> she doesn't want knowledge. She's told us that her marriage is perfect and that there's never a problem with the ex lurking around.


She's young. Life will teach her like it does for most people. For now, it's all part of her learning process.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm here to talk, nothing more. Stating that I have a strong fountain for marriage or that I don't currently have problems In those areas doesn't mean I believe my relationship to be perfect. I think it is sad that so many people feel threatened by what someone else has to say. If you will take your own advice and look back, you will see I have problems in different areas, that are much less interesting. I look at each situation individually, as I feel it should be. You need to divide and conquer each problem one at a time, and focus in what issue is at hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

I have not read all the responses because for the most part, they have all been typical.

Look, what is the big deal? Do you distrust her that much that you are afraid of her being around her ex's? And I'm not looking for the answer of "Oh I trust her, it's her ex's I don't trust" because that is not an answer.

Either you trust her or not. If you don't trust her, you have bigger issues.
I am friends with ALL my ex's. I don't see a point in being childish when a relationship doesn't work out. Now, if your ex is a total ass, I can see why you would not want to speak to them again. An ex is an ex for a reason.

Personally, I would take real issue too if my partner told me I couldn't hang out with an ex. Especially if I've given her the opportunity to meet them. I feel if you have a problem with it, it is because of something in you. Maybe you should check yourself to figure out why you don't trust her or don't want her to be around an ex w/o you.

Yes, I may take flack for this. We all have our opinions.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

All good avdice. Esp from both perspectives. One thing I want to address right off the bat. Broncofan, I didn't shun anyone away. I was being upfront with each of those posters, and I wasn't saying anything that no one else was saying. Those situations were unique. The first, had nice guy written all over his posts, I was one of a few people who stated that. The person claimed they weren't a nice guy, but still wanted help.myself and others repeatedly told them they weren't understanding the concepts we were talking about. I made it clear how much the book would help them. How much they would learn about themselves and how awesome it would be to be able to start making progress on themselfs, and in turn, their marriage.context is always important and I've never claimed otherwise. If people deleted their account because they couldn't handle the truth, I'm sorry but that's not my fault. I remember others getting exhausted trying to reach this poster and he wouldn't listen.

As for my situation, nmmng is not the holy bible on every circumstance. I do trust my wife, but the idea of her around an ex with alcohol involved while I'm away, is a bit unsettling. As another poster stated, that may be on me and it may be my issue, not my wifes. Great advice if you ask me. Someone being upfront and not beating around the bush. For now I feel my wife and I came to a fair compromise where both of us are happy. Shell only be around them in the group if I'm there to start. After meeting and hanging out, the compromise may be tweaked one way or the other. 

I did read nmmng, and no where in it does it say she isn't allowed to have male friends, or certain ex's. It did say to confront her about my reservations I had with the situation, to be honest, and to not let her dictate what will happen in the relationship. I feel I executed the teachings of the book in this situation. I didn't keep my mouth shut just to appease her, I didn't do exactly has she said and build a resentment, I spoke my mind, stated my boundaries and now we have a compromise that makes us both honestly happy and comfortable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tikii said:


> I'm here to talk, nothing more. Stating that I have a strong fountain for marriage or that I don't currently have problems In those areas doesn't mean I believe my relationship to be perfect. I think it is sad that so many people feel threatened by what someone else has to say. If you will take your own advice and look back, *you will see I have problems in different areas, that are much less interesting*. I look at each situation individually, as I feel it should be. You need to divide and conquer each problem one at a time, and focus in what issue is at hand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so that' why you're here, telling us that we're inferior because you believe that every spouse deserves an opposite sex friendship or two.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

No, but I will tell you that you are acting like a child trying to make a villain out of someone because you don't agree with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

KittyKat said:


> I have not read all the responses because for the most part, they have all been typical.
> 
> Look, what is the big deal? Do you distrust her that much that you are afraid of her being around her ex's? And I'm not looking for the answer of "Oh I trust her, it's her ex's I don't trust" because that is not an answer.
> 
> ...


But if it works for you then keep doing it. Don't change something that is clearly not broken. But for HIS situation, it seems his wife doesn't care how he feels.

Generally speaking ex's that are now your male "friends" still look at you and remember how fun it was when they were banging you. I'm sorry to be crude, but as a man I just thought you should know.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

KittyKat said:


> I am friends with ALL my ex's. I don't see a point in being childish when a relationship doesn't work out. Now, if your ex is a total ass, I can see why you would not want to speak to them again. An ex is an ex for a reason.


Well KittyKat if those are the boundaries you have set in your relationship with you partner, and your both cool with it then great, it works for the both of you. You were pretty rude and condescending to the OP because he has these reservations. In his mind it's not right for his wife to be hanging with ex's. What's wrong with that? So his wife had a decision to make, if hanging with the ex's (or having the freedom to hang out with the ex's) is more important to her that keeping her husband comfortable and keeping the marriage on an even keel, then she should just tell her husband that the ex's are more important to her than his feelings, because that is exactly what you told him. Naturally, if his wife agreed not to see the ex's, I expect the OP to agree not to see his ex's either. When you get married, you loose some of your individualism, you just can't do what you want, you have to take your spouse's feeling into consideration. That is a fact. If not, why be married? For economics?

About two years ago, I had this situation take place in my home, with an ex contacting my wife. If the OP's post got your blood pressure up, what I did would have you bleeding from your eyes.



sinnister said:


> Generally speaking ex's that are now your male "friends" still look at you and remember how fun it was when they were banging you. I'm sorry to be crude, but as a man I just thought you should know.


Your exactly right, it goes through all of our minds. It's human nature.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tikii said:


> No, but I will tell you that you are acting like a child trying to make a villain out of someone because you don't agree with them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, and if you need it, then I will let you have the last word.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

KittyKat said:


> I have not read all the responses because for the most part, they have all been typical.
> 
> Look, what is the big deal? Do you distrust her that much that you are afraid of her being around her ex's? And I'm not looking for the answer of "Oh I trust her, it's her ex's I don't trust" because that is not an answer.
> 
> ...


Knowing your friend is cheating and you're refusing to give headsup to her husband, I would advise everyone to ignore the above comment.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

sinnister said:


> But if it works for you then keep doing it. Don't change something that is clearly not broken. But for HIS situation, it seems his wife doesn't care how he feels.
> 
> Generally speaking ex's that are now your male "friends" still look at you and remember how fun it was when they were banging you. I'm sorry to be crude, but as a man I just thought you should know.


Not crude, honest. And for me, it doesn't matter what an ex may be thinking. I _know and remember_ why they are an ex. So what they may be thinking is irrelevant to me.



keko said:


> Knowing your friend is cheating and you're refusing to give headsup to her husband, I would advise everyone to ignore the above comment.


You are entitled to your opinion. But I think what you are referring to is apples and oranges.
Refer to my response above. As for my friend who is cheating, my partner and I have discussed this at length. You don't know me. And you don't know the torment I've been going through even though I've discussed it with my friend. And just for your FIY, I told my partner this evening I plan on 'tipping' off the husband because it is bothering me so much. So feel free to ignore anything I write.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Turns out OP's wife was still cheating... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...rgive-about-ea-ending-found-hidden-phone.html


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

The Middleman said:


> Well KittyKat if those are the boundaries you have set in your relationship with you partner, and your both cool with it then great, it works for the both of you. You were pretty rude and condescending to the OP because he has these reservations. In his mind it's not right for his wife to be hanging with ex's. What's wrong with that?
> When you get married, you loose some of your individualism, you just can't do what you want, you have to take your spouse's feeling into consideration. That is a fact. If not, why be married? For economics?
> 
> About two years ago, I had this situation take place in my home, with an ex contacting my wife. If the OP's post got your blood pressure up, what I did would have you bleeding from your eyes.
> ...


I was not being rude nor condescending. I believe I've grown enough as an adult that I can speak to an ex, be friends with an ex and hang out with an ex without a baby sitter. I have my own personal morals regarding my life. There is no one, and I mean no one, that could make me cheat on my partner. I can't expand on why this is w/o getting too personal regarding my relationship and things that have occurred in my relationship. But I can say with 100% truthfulness, that even in our darkest days, even during our splits, it never occurred to me to look at, let alone date, someone else. I guess that's what they call love.

I think it comes down to this:

1. you don't want your spouse around a particular person because your spouse has cheated in some form at some time in your relationship or you've had a previous spouse/bf/gf that has cheated on you.

2. you have cheated in some form at some time in your relationship or in a previous relationship and you are afraid your spouse will do the same.

Otherwise, there is no reason to distrust your spouse until they give you reason to. If a person wants to cheat, you can't stop them.

I was merely saying the poster _may_ have either 1 or 2 going on or previous in his life. I was not making light of his feelings. Just that he needs to search _why_ he feels the way he does about her hanging with her ex's. Yes, you do need to consider your spouse's feelings when in a relationship. I never said you didn't. And 9 out of 10 times, even if I don't agree, I will do what my partner wishes because I love her and want her feelings to be at ease.
But if your spouse's character is so weak that you want to dictate who they can be friends with, mainly ex's, I still refer back to 1 or 2.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> "So you're telling me I can't hang out with my friends?"


She's trying to play the victim. Don't fall into this trap. 
THERE ARE RESTRICTIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP. - This is not news to anyone and she should expect it. 
EXes are not like any other friend. There's something different about them. Make it clear to her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

KittyKat said:


> An ex is an ex for a reason.


And who said an ex will always remain an ex?
An ex can become a partner/lover again. So? 
Even though the reason for being an ex is still there, this doesn't prevent two people to go from EXes to being lovers again. 

Different couples have different boundaries in a relationship.
It doesn't matter what those boundaries are as long as they are not crossed.

In the OP's case, his wife is not respecting his boundaries. It means she either has to put up with it or leave.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

KittyKat said:


> I was not being rude nor condescending. I believe I've grown enough as an adult that I can speak to an ex, be friends with an ex and hang out with an ex without a baby sitter. I have my own personal morals regarding my life. There is no one, and I mean no one, that could make me cheat on my partner. I can't expand on why this is w/o getting too personal regarding my relationship and things that have occurred in my relationship. But I can say with 100% truthfulness, that even in our darkest days, even during our splits, it never occurred to me to look at, let alone date, someone else. I guess that's what they call love.
> 
> I think it comes down to this:
> 
> ...


He has a reason:



aug said:


> Turns out OP's wife was still cheating... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...rgive-about-ea-ending-found-hidden-phone.html


OP was right not to trust the idea of hanging out with her exes.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Maricha75 said:


> He has a reason:
> 
> 
> 
> OP was right not to trust the idea of hanging out with her exes.


Thank you Maricha. I read this last night after I posted here and also responded to that thread. Turns out my 1 and 2 were spot on where this couple is concerned.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

KittyKat said:


> I was not being rude nor condescending.


That's the tone I picked up from reading your response. Judging by the other responses, I'm not the only one. But let's agree to disagree on this.



KittyKat said:


> I believe I've grown enough as an adult that I can speak to an ex, be friends with an ex and hang out with an ex without a baby sitter. I have my own personal morals regarding my life. There is no one, and I mean no one, that could make me cheat on my partner. I can't expand on why this is w/o getting too personal regarding my relationship and things that have occurred in my relationship. But I can say with 100% truthfulness, that even in our darkest days, even during our splits, it never occurred to me to look at, let alone date, someone else. I guess that's what they call love.


As I said, what works for you and your partner is cool by me. I'm not judging you and far from me to criticize happy people. All I said was what works for you doesn't work for everyone, because people are different.




KittyKat said:


> Otherwise, there is no reason to distrust your spouse until they give you reason to. If a person wants to cheat, you can't stop them.


But one could make it very very difficult for the spouse to cheat AND that is a spouses prerogative to do so IMHO. If I suspected my wife of cheating I would certainly make it my business to show up at one of her "get-togethers" to make things uncomfortable. Now If I was wrong, then I might look a little foolish, but I feel that I have the right to be where my wife is at any time, especially when she is with someone of the opposite sex. That's how I feel about the situation and I don't care what anyone thinks about it; HOWEVER I'm not saying everyone should do it. Each person should evaluate their own situation.

If a spouse is uncomfortable with a situation in their marriage, I feel that the spouse has the right to gain a level of comfort-ability in that situation. Some may interpret that as jealous, or controlling or overbearing but so-be-it. That's part of spending one's life with another person.



KittyKat said:


> I was merely saying the poster _may_ have either 1 or 2 going on or previous in his life. I was not making light of his feelings. Just that he needs to search _why_ he feels the way he does about her hanging with her ex's.


Based on the new thread the OP started, he had every reason in the world for taking his position. Seeing ex's never passed his tummy test in his situation and now we know it was for good reason. He deserved to be taken seriously and not have it implied he was trying to control his wife's life.



KittyKat said:


> Yes, you do need to consider your spouse's feelings when in a relationship. I never said you didn't. And 9 out of 10 times, even if I don't agree, I will do what my partner wishes because I love her and want her feelings to be at ease.


Very cool IMO



KittyKat said:


> But if your spouse's character is so weak that you want to dictate who they can be friends with, mainly ex's, I still refer back to 1 or 2.


My wife is a very strong and capable woman and I really don't think she has it in her to cheat on me. However, I believe on strong boundaries and I have strong feelings on certain things and being friendly with Ex's just aren't part of the equation. I never want to loose my wife but if hanging with Ex's are more important to her than how I feel, then I think I might have to re-evaluate my situation.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Folks -- end the debate on this thread. Lost caught his wife cheating last night. !!

Well I was wrong to forgive about the ea and it ending. Found A hidden phone.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Unfortunatly LOSTFan was too trusting and tried to be too sensative .... and got taken. I hope he's wiser up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> That's the tone I picked up from reading your response. Judging by the other responses, I'm not the only one. But let's agree to disagree on this.
> 
> As I said, what works for you and your partner is cool by me. I'm not judging you and far from me to criticize happy people. All I said was what works for you doesn't work for everyone, because people are different.
> 
> ...


This is the best post in the thread so far!!


Some people don't realize that what works for a couple doesn't work for another.
The key of this thread is not what boundaries his wife crossed, but it's the _way she behaves_ and_ her careless attitude_ towards her husband's concern...(regardless of what his concerns are).


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

don't go there at all...either of you...set the boundaries now and don't wind up like me...totally disregarded by my husband (he has 4 ex lovers and ex wife he talks to whenever he wants and refuses to quit) from everything i've read, couples believe "no exes allowed"...i wish i had set that boundary long ago before it got out of hand like it has today...i'm sleeping in another room tonight because of this issue.


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