# Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Great line from a Taylor Swift song. Actually, I'm not sure if it ever was love where my situation is concerned....

This is probably the site I should have been on three years ago, instead of getting involved in a long distance emotional affair with someone I met on a different site. We mutually decided it would be our New Year's resolution to try (for at least the third time now) to say goodbye. He and I have never met in person, but our relationship grew online to eventually lead to talking on the phone.

I'm going to backtrack in this story now, and say that the marriage should have been done a long time ago. The marriage has been very one-sided and controlled completely by him. This is a huge incompatiblity with us, where he is very much a controlling leader type, and I'm very passive. I guess back then it seemed like we could even each other out, but what ended up happening is that he controls everything and I let him. 

We have about the same income (unless you consider that my job provides health insurance for the us and our 2 kids), then I'm well above his contribution. He is VERY materialistic, and has us in at least $35,000. credit card debt from spending frivolously mostly on himself. One of those cards is at 30% interest rate, and about $1,100. per month covers the minimum payments. He handles all the money, and I basically ask permission if I need to spend. I'm not a spender, and would prefer to be a saver, but there would never be any saving with him in my life. I'm lucky if I buy the bare necessities for myself. I'm not a shopper anyway, but I definitely have no motivation to shop with $35,000. outstanding debt.

On a night of drinking, I ended up telling him about the emotional affair about 6 months into it (which was about 2 1/2 years ago). I guess at that point, he decided to "change" and be Mr. Perfect, or so he said. My thought is that it's really the money and things he doesn't want to lose, and has little to do with any real love for me. There has been a lot of emotional abuse, and some physical abuse through the years, some of which was witnessed by the kids. He's been a horrible role model for them.

The only reasons to stay are financial, and also I don't want to hurt my kids, but sometimes I wonder if it would be better for them. I could be a much better mom if I wasn't so depressed and didn't feel so hopeless.

A lot of the reason that the EA has to stop is that, since I told H about the EA, he is spying on everything at home, so I can only email and talk at work now. He had destroyed some of my belongings the night I told him, so I didn't want to chance anymore fits of rage, and I have little cues along the way that he is spying. It wasn't fair for the other man that he is single, but had so little of my time. Besides that, I was taking a chance with a job that I couldn't replace in a lot of ways.

When the EA began, it was a lot about emotional support (kind of like therapy) and it grew into so much more. I worry about how he is doing with stopping. It's so hard not to contact him, and I know it's hard for him too. We were like best friends too, so it is a big loss for both of us. I have 2,569 emails in my inbox, and tons of chats and emails in folders. I keep waiting to see that I have an email, but in a lot of ways, I hope we can hold out this time. I have letters in my desk drawer at work that I might read again. I wonder how long it will take to stop missing him. I can't help but regret that we never met in person, but we both knew that it would have been a full blown affair at that point.

Sorry if this post is all over the place, I'm at work now (3rd shifter).


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You really need help. If you split would the debt revolve on you as well.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Yes, he even got some cards in my name after his were already maxed and his credit wasn't as good as mine. I ran my credit report a couple months ago, and was shocked to see how much it is just for minimum payments. On top of that, he has a fancy truck that's 480/mth & then added a bunch of add-ons to it on credit. He's just that special that he's entitled. Yet, he complains if the kids need something extra for school.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Youre heading for a lifetime of debt and non of it your making. Youre earning money and not seeing anything of it. Your debt is just spiraling up and up. STOP! Thats the first thing. Separate all your accounts. Somehow agree on household expenses but everything else be your own boss. If he doesnt agree then get out straight away.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. If I do get a divorce, I'm going to take a 401k loan to pay whatever I debt I get stuck with, just to be done with it & not feel so insecure. I know it's not a good idea to borrow from 401k, but It'd be worth it just to be done with it and able to breathe again.


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## bpsleo (Jan 12, 2012)

If you do not save for the future you are doomed. If he does not love/respect you then you must find your on way to protect your self . Financial independence is must. Remember people scare to only those who get scared. If you are firm and strong then no one can bully you. do not spend your money on the house.Ask him the money for house hold, if he does not give then there no point living with him. Do not accept slavery under any circumstances please.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts _

Because we're stupid.


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