# Fighting for my life



## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

Hello, 
I am new to the forum and I don’t know if opening myself up to a group of random strangers is going to help me any. I guess I need to tell someone and hopefully I will get some comfort from being able to vent a little. 
I am a husband and a father of 2 wonderful kids 17(boy) and 13(girl). My family is everything to me and I work very hard to keep them comfortable and without want. 
I met and fell madly in love with my wife 21 years ago. We were both in the military and stationed at Ft Lewis Washington. Over the course of our marriage we have had our bumps. But we overcame and stayed together when conventional marriages would have failed. Between us we were both proud that our love survived and that we were able to stay together. We have never stopped loving each other. Even now.
Throughout our marriage I changed careers, lost jobs and started new careers. She stuck by my side through it all, even when most wives would have thrown in the towel. I finally settled in a job that has income, benefits, and security. I brought her home from a job so she could be with out kids and be with me. My job entails working at night and we didn’t see a lot of each other during the day when she was working. Having her home meant that she could get the kids off to school then come back to bed with me until I fell asleep. 
This has been our life for the last 5 years. I thought I had it all. Beautiful wife, well rounded kids and a house.
August 11th, 2008 my world came crashing down. She admitted to me that she has been seeing, and “possibly” fell in love with another man. I noticed that she was spending more time away from the house. She wanted to exercise so she would leave in the morning at 9 then though out the day state that she was shopping or in the park “relaxing”. I believed her but my gut instinct was telling me something was wrong. At the time her parents were living with us and they are very negative and depressing. I thought that she was just getting away from them. Still the felling lingered. 
Her parents left back to California and I thought things would settle back down. She still would take off all day and seemed that she would be upset when I called her. I confronted her on the evening of the 11th. That’s when she admitted to me the affair. She also told me that she has been lonely over the past years and that she often cried herself to sleep. I never knew this and she never confided in me that this was going on. She also said that when she’s with this man she feels different then when she’s with me and that we’ve “lost” that part of our relationship. She readily admits that I am a great person and a great father and provider and that she doesn’t want me to hurt and she doesn’t want to hurt the children, who will be devastated once they find out. But, despite my best efforts to prove to her she is making a horrible choice and that she should come back to me so we can work on our marriage she refuses to give up her relationship with this other man. She swears that they have not had full intercourse but hinted on doing “other things”. She says that she is tired of doing everything for everyone else and living everyone else’s life, and living in my shadow. She says this is selfish of her but it makes her feel good. She claims she still loves me and always will and she doesn’t want to leave me and doesn’t want to leave our bed but she is continuing the relationship with him.
She won’t tell me much about him other then that he is divorced and that he knows everything about our situation. She admits that he feels bad for me and the kids but he has “fallen for her” and doesn’t want her to stop seeing him either. I know that he is applying pressure for her to leave as I am steadfastly holding onto hope that she will stop and come back to me. A lot of tears have been shed in the last week and my love for her is strong enough to hold back the feelings of resentment and anger towards her. I have taken responsibility for my actions and I’ve told her that I want to change for her, for the better.

I guess I’m looking more for some hope that my marriage and my wife will make it through this latest challenge and that we can continue our life together anew. And that to much more doesn’t happen so that my wife can rebuild the trust.

Or this may not help at all.

N


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## amber (Jul 14, 2008)

No one here can promise you a happy ending with your marriage, althought I'm sure everyone wishes they could. 

My suggestion to you is to keep the communication open with her wife. Tell her everyday how much you love her and that you are willing and wanting to try and save your marriage. Tell her how her behaviours are causing you hurt and pain.

It's not fair for her to treat you this way. Right now, I think she is looking for the best of both worlds...love and security from you, and attention and excitement from him. Make sure she knows how much this hurts you and that you can't tolerate it anymore. 

Maybe try asking her to cut ALL communications with him for a trial peroid so you can make an attempt at saving your marriage. During that time, maybe seek counselling so you can both figure out what the needs of the marriage are. If she's not willing to give up him for a brief time to try and fix the marriage, then she probably isn't going to be willing to end the relationship at all and it might be best you prepare yourself go to your seperate ways. 

She needs to know and fully understand that what she is doing is not okay, and the consequences that may come from it.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i agree with amber.
but this sounds like my ex hubby- he was having an affair the last 6 months of the marriage ( i did not know about this though)- it became a gut instinct. that i took on playing the detective role.
n e way . he was exactly the same sounding as your wife. he really couldnt let go. he wanted the other girl for pleasure and a new lease of life inspiration and the wife at home.
as soon as we split , i filed for divorce must to his disgust.
it took him two yrs before he signed our papers.
he just couldnt let go.
im sorry to be harsh he, but lettin her in the same bed. i think you need to really push her.
him or you or her out. she cant have it all.
maybe then she wil realise what she might be giving up. either way , she certainly knows where her bread is buttered. and your letin her eat it.
i do think n e marriage can be saved, if it wants to be.
but ultimatums and sacrifices need to be made sometimes in order for a change in direction.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I think that the end is near. It seems that when I continue to talk to her about how she is hurting me and that we need to get our marriage together she acts like I'm bothering her. She continues to state that she "doesn't want to talk about it" and "I'm trying to hard". Trying to hard to save my marriage? Are you kidding me????

I don't know what kind of propaganda this guy is feeding her and I have no idea what I'm up against as I know nothing about him. She says she doesn't want to tell me because it will hurt to much.

I guess my love is strong enough to hold out hope. I told her to make a choice and she steadfastly refuses to stop seeing him. But she states that she doesn't want to leave me either and because she loves me that this is hard on her too. I know that we will be at a crossroads soon. For the first time in our marriage she stopped tagging our text messages with "I love you".

N


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I would ask for a seperation with her moving out, letting her know that you can not sit by and share her with the other guy. Keep communication open with her and suggest once a week to meet for dinner and at least two days a week she sees the kids.

In the end one person can not make a relationship work. Giving yourself space in this case may provide perspective for the both of you.

draconis


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

My common sense and my gut hears ya, it's just my heart that is having a hard time.

N


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

As long as you continue to let her have her cake and eat it too, she will do just that & nothing will change. I agree with Draconis. If she won't decide, make the decision for her. That's the only hope I see in her coming around.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I have made contact with a Family Lawyer and will be sitting down in the next few weeks. Before I set an ultimatum I want to know what my options are. In my opinion she is the one walking away not me. I should be able to keep what I've built. In the mean time I am praying that she will stop this and come back to me so we can start the healing.

N


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Good move. It's hard to focus on protecting yourself legally when your emotions are a mess. 

I hope she comes around too. Most affairs don't last past 6 months and the fact that she's not ready to say she is done with the marriage is hopeful, but I'm glad you are getting your ducks in a row just in case.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

Sometimes GOd takes care of the timing. I had a talk to her tonight and she walked out to get a hotel room. I think it's over. I know I can't go on like this. Either way I need to get on with my life. I was hoping that it would be with her but it looks like it's going to be without her. 

Somehow the tears won't come. Maybe I've run out.

N


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think that the tears are not there because you finally have your answer and the hurt is known and dealt with.

draconis


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

My wife came home shortly after she left to stay at a hotel. In our talk after she got back I finally got the answer to where I stand in her life. She says that she still loves me and that I will always be apart of her. She also states that she no longer feels any intimacy with me and that this feeling happened long before the other man showed up. She also stated that she wasn't looking for anyone else but now that it happened she doesn't want to give that up as it may be her future.

She won't leave the house because of the kids. I won't leave the house either. We now have a relationship where I still love her and want to be with her and she still loves me but only as a close friend and the father of my kids. 

It sounds crazy I know. So for now we are together as parents and will continue to poor love and affection into our kids with both of us in the same house. I am allowing her to go and see if the new man in her life is someone that she will want to be with after our kids are gone. I don't know how this will play out. She did promise me that if he leaves her that, If I am still willing, she will give our marriage a second chance.

I am praying that I will have that second chance. For now the focus will be on my son and daughter and getting them through school and out on their own.

I guess this big strong policeman would rather have her as a close friend then lose her all together.

Hanging on for now, right or wrong, 

N


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I think I might be winning. She is starting to hug and hold my hands when we sleep together again. Because of a medical condition that I am working through right now we are unable to make love. I know this is an issue with him because he has been bugging her for details. 

As of yet they have not. I believe her for now. He seems very controlling however and hates when I text her when they are together but doesn't have any problem texting her when she is with me. He has already walked away from a marriage and a small child. I hope she wakes up soon. 

Patiently waiting for the end of this nightmare. I am still in the fight.

N


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you should wake up soon.
as awful as that sounds. she is living two lives. very selfish to want to much of a good thing and your lettin her have all she wants.
try taking yourself and detaching yourself from her.
she wil soon realise what she could be losing.
how cruel is she to put you in that situation.
above all she takes advantage because she knows you love her and shes using you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Keep talking with the lawyer as long as she hasn't kicked him out of her life you might be in for a surprise. So much for in sickness and in health.

draconis


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I am moving into the spare bedroom and I have told her that she and she alone will explain to the kids were she's at. No more hugs and "I love you". I am separating myself emotionally. It is hard but she needs to know what she's losing. 

N


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

What goes around..comes back around. The guy could still be married. He could be cheating on his wife too, and if he does it to his wife, he could do the same to her too. Sounds to me, he only tells her what he wants her to know about him. I mean..if all she said was he is divorce. If he is divorce, why can't he find someone that is single or went through a divorce too? I smell a rat, and don't worry, before long, she will smell it too.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Niske said:


> I am moving into the spare bedroom and I have told her that she and she alone will explain to the kids were she's at. No more hugs and "I love you". I am separating myself emotionally. It is hard but she needs to know what she's losing.
> 
> N


Be strong, If you need to we are always here. If we can't help enough get a councilor.

draconis


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

Funny thing, I ran into an old acquantance that is went through the same thing with her husband. I have found a sounding board and it has given me perspective. She is not the next Mrs. Niske. She is just an ear for me to talk to.

I still very much in love with my wife. But I can't make her love me. So I must move on. She will be devestated soon enough and I hope I am there to help her pick up the pieces.

N


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

"My job entails working at night and we didn’t see a lot of each other during the day when she was working. Having her home meant that she could get the kids off to school then come back to bed with me until I fell asleep. This has been our life for the last 5 years. I thought I had it all. Beautiful wife, well rounded kids and a house."

Is that what she wanted? Was she fine with you working at night? Did she want to be a stay at home mom, or was that something convenient for you? Have you sat down and really talked toher about where the break down happened in your marriage?

I experienced someting like that. I worked nights while my husband worked days. The only time we saw each other was between 12am and 5am. We didnt have much of a marriage. Personally I liked it and thought life was ok and we both were accomplishing what we wanted. Unfortunately I foudn out he was attempting to cheat on me. It was hard to swallow, that i was married for 8 years and life seemed to be perfect and this happened.

It messed me up internally to know what he was attempting. We argued and fought about it for months after. He claimed he loved me and that he dont know why he was doing it. Just last week we discussed it again and he confessed to being lonely and that he was looking for someone to fill the sapce I was not able to with not being around.

Seems like you wife went and did that. Obviously you didnt have it good becuase you forgot one thing....your wife. 5 years of having to only see you for a certain amount of time leaves room for another to fill. I suggest you two sit and really talk becuase there is some signs you may have missed or didnt want to acknowledge. Your wife is looking for something you didnt provide. Its not always kids, and a happy home that makes a marriage work. A wife needs her husband physically and emotionally. If you lacked in those areas maybe you can turn it around by taking a day job so you can be with her mor often at night, maybe allow her to work (if she chooses), just ask her what it is she is looking for.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

We spent more time together when she came home. We stopped talking and that is my fault. I still love her but she is ok with the separation so I think that she is going to leave me anyway. I'm not but I guess that's were I have to get over it.

N


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Don't beat yourself up about what happened in the marriage that caused her to cheat. Even if there was something lacking for her, it was her responsibility to let you know and give you a chance to work on it. There is no excuse for cheating and breaking a vow.

Your wife made a choice to go outside the marriage instead of trying to fix what wasn't working.

My marriage of 21 years had issues but there was a passion and connection too, and I never once ever thought of cheating. My husband made a clear choice to go looking for another relationship. He travels a lot and went on eharmony posing a single man two years ago, and then worked overseas for a year, and looked for a relationship there. He found one with a young 20 year old, the same age as our son. I found all of this out 3 months ago, and about the eharmony a week ago through my checking on him. We are working through it with counseling, but my point it when one goes outside the marriage, it is a selfish act and a conscious decision.

I suggest getting a counselor for yourself if you can to help you through this as it is so tough to go through alone. I am seeing one for me besides the marriage therapist and it is helping, but I know they are expensive but insurance happens to be there for me...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Niske!

Sorry to hear another person is having to go thru this. I know how it is to love someone and then live with the rejection. It is tough! Have you done any detective work on this other man? Perhaps he is still married as some of the other forum members have suggested. If that is the case, I would make sure his wife knows about it; then you can sit back and watch the fireworks! 

You really need to take care of yourself. You obviously have no control over what your wife chooses to do. However, you do have control over your actions. At this point a great counselor will probably do more good than a lawyer. Also, begin reading marriage and self-help books. They will give you additional insight into what is going on in your relationship. This may also be a good time for you to turn to religion for some answers.

Good luck to you and your family.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

The "other man" has two service jobs and is living with his brother, he is still married and his wife and small child are in another state. He claims that he is "getting a divorce".

He has now successfully destroyed 2 families. We are confronting the kids tonight and we will be filling out the paperwork for divorce in the coming months. We will still be living in the same house for now but once we are no more I'm sure the new man in her life will want her to live with him and demand more of her time. I don't have to kick her out, she will continue to justify her absence from the house. I'm letting go, there is nothing more I can do.

N


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Niske,

Sorry! Do you really want a divorce? If you honestly can't take the situation any longer, I can certainly understand. From your earlier post, it sounded as though you were willing to ride this one out for awhile. If you've read any of my post, you'll know that I've had a very complicated situation. Even after all that I've put up with, I've chosen to "take the less traveled road". It's not the easy route by any means. 

If you want this marriage to be over, then by all mean go ahead and file for divorce. Then you can move on. However, if you see any chance for reconciliation, then hold off on the divorce. Statistically your wife's affair will probably end within 18 months of when it began. From how you describe the other guy, it may end much sooner. You're wife is simply in the "in love" stage with him. Either way, I recommend you read the book, "The Five Love Languages". It will give you a much greater understanding of what has happened in your marriage and also help you in any future relationships.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Niske said:


> The "other man" has two service jobs and is living with his brother, he is still married and his wife and small child are in another state. He claims that he is "getting a divorce".
> 
> He has now successfully destroyed 2 families. We are confronting the kids tonight and we will be filling out the paperwork for divorce in the coming months. We will still be living in the same house for now but once we are no more I'm sure the new man in her life will want her to live with him and demand more of her time. I don't have to kick her out, she will continue to justify her absence from the house. I'm letting go, there is nothing more I can do.
> 
> N


 Oh..BINGO ! I was right. Why would your wife want someone like that for?  She will be no better off with a man that has two service jobs and a child to take care of. If you know you were a good husband to her, and she still did this, she isn't worth trying to get back. I do feel sorry for the kids. Does she want the kids with her, or will they stay with you?


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I am a police officer, I live in a town where I am best friends with one of the sergeants. Last night he came over and we discussed my situation. It seems he and other cops that I know in the town I live in have seen my wife and her lover at the local convienience store, where he works, he stated that he thought it was weird but he knew both of us and didn't think that we were going to separate.

When "he" found out that the game was up he flipped out. He stated that he wasn't going to be hasseled by "punk cops" and that he is going to file complaints against me and my friend with our departments to let it be known that we may retaliate against him.

He is not worth my career, my friend feels tha same way and stated that sence we did nothing wrong he's not going to worry about it.

Nice guy eh?

Her choice however. I do not want to lose her but she is unwilling to separate from him. She also stated that she didn't want the divorce. She is confused but my gut is over riding my heart and I am putting my foot down. I deserve better, my kids deserve better.

N


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here you are serving your town and country putting your life on the line every day and this is how she is? Sorry, but she should not have her cake and eat it too. If she wants to run around on you, it isn't a marriage. i know you love her but how long do you want to deal with this?


draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

niske,
you said:
>>>When "he" found out that the game was up he flipped out. He stated that he wasn't going to be hasseled by "punk cops" and that he is going to file complaints against me and my friend with our departments to let it be known that we may retaliate against him.<<<

great, what an a$$#0le, you career is more important than this d-bag, but i've known a couple of internal affairs guys that would laugh out loud at s#!t that has happened to dude who tried to make a move on a cops wife. seems that ia is tough as hell on one of there own unless it's in this situation. kinda like prison justice. it works itself out. make sure your department knows you're on the side of the law. don't do something stupid. having said that, rescuing him from a bar fight is ok, or pulling him from the gutter after an accidental "fall" would both make you the hero. good luck my friend. i hate this arrogant a-hole already. wish i could help with the justice.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

From what I understand he broke it off last night. She is upset and hurt and blames herself. I don't know if it's really over for her however and she seems to be taking it very hard. 

I feel bad for her but I think I have lost her too.

This whole situation is ****ed. I hope to reconcile but that may be too late also. She may resent me for ruining her relationship with him. 

Time will tell.

N


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Niske said:


> From what I understand he broke it off last night.


Good.


Niske said:


> She may resent me for ruining her relationship with him.


What?! She is your WIFE....she had no business entering a relationship with him.

I know you are hopeful that you will be back together, but think about what that means for you...if you do eventually reconcile, she will need to want to work on the marriage with you. Otherwise, it will only be a matter of time until you are back in this situation again with him or someone else.


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## LovelyinVA (Sep 5, 2008)

Stay strong!


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I am letting go. A friend told me that I would put up with it until I got tired. 

I'm tired. 

She still says she loves me and it is difficult for her not to be near me when we are both home. But she will not give up the relationship because she is confused. I told her to move out with him and get going on finding out because if there is any chance that I will take her back it is fading with every day.

I need to move on. For myself. She took a trip out of state to a family funeral and left me here. Before she left I told her that he needs to get a place of his own and support you as a couple. She agreed. 

It hurts like no hurt I have ever felt. But I'm sure with time I will heal. I worry for my kids who have grown up knowing a only a solid family. Their world and their values will be shaken.

The hope I felt is fading fast. I wish the pain would end.

N


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The pain you are feeling shows the deep love you have for your family. You will get through this...lean on your friends for understanding and support. You are making difficult decisions by standing your ground and you shouldn't even have to be making them within your marriage, but as hard as these days are, you will feel better about the man you are in the end...putting up with her infidelity will only chip away at you as time goes by.


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

I've deployed to Houston to help with the relief efforts there. She is still steadfastly moving towards being this dudes next wife. I have let her go. 


It hurts soo much. I wish it would all end.

Niske,


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Niske said:


> I am letting go. A friend told me that I would put up with it until I got tired.
> 
> I'm tired.
> 
> ...


I feel sorry that this hurts you so bad, but maybe by this you can move on and find someone that better deserves you.

draconis


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

wow! this is the first i have read your posts & i feel for you. stay strong! Time really does help to heal all wounds. you may be changed forever & never understand, but you will be better off living without such a heavy weight on your shoulders. sorry for the kids too! good luck!


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

Still trying hard to let her go. My heart won't let me. I am becoming more distant and less clingy. My HPD police partner told me that the pain will go with time. And that there will be a time that she will come crawling back to me.

I hope she is right, I pray that I am in a position to take her back. 

Maybe not.

N


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

Haven't been back here for awhile. She has moved out with him and I will be filing for divorce in January. I have been surrounded by people that God has placed in my path to support, comfort and encourage me. For those who are going through the same thing as me(read the begining of the post) know that you have family and friends that will rally around you and support you. I still love her and there will be many more tears shed before this is over. But I know that this isn't the end of anything other then my marriage. This is because of the decisions that SHE made and that SHE will have to live with. 

I still love her, I would take her back in a minute and give my all to make the marriage work. But she is not interested and I can't control the actions of others. Even if that person is the love of my life. 

She is moving on and so will I. 

Niske.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Niske,

I'm so sorry to hear the latest uipdate, but am relieved to hear you have the support of family and friends. These are the times in life when you really know who your friends are and I'm glad you are able to lean on them for support. I know this is not what you wanted, but I am so glad to hear you feel this isn't the end of anything other than your marriage. I pray you will have some happy new beginnings with the New Year.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sorry to hear this Niske

She will likely regret this decision at some point in her life. My best to you and your kids as you move forward. While you may still love her you deserve better. Good luck.


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