# NC letters-are they worth anything?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I see that many WSs have agreed to NC (no contact) letters when they are trying to reconcile with their BS. True, I believe that they show a willingness on the WS's part to show true remorse, but I also think that NC letters are only worth the paper they're printed on; they are only worth the person who wrote and sent them.

How do you know that the WS actually sent it to the AP? How do you know that the AP actually reads it? I can imagine the scenarios:

WS writes and sends the letter, but 1st contacts the AP and warns them to throw it away or ignore it when received.

"I had to write that letter...my W was looking over my shoulder the whole time and made me do it!" or...

"Please, don't read that letter-I don't mean a thing that I wrote in it. I had to write it so that my dumb*ss H would finally shut the hell up and get off of my case!"

And then you also have the APs who will be trying to contact the WS demanding to know "WHY?" They will indeed contact the WS again, and then you have a break in NC.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I never mailed it.. I just wanted her to have to go through the act of writing it, and wanted to see if she'd give me his address and info. I did a background check on him and called his GF to tell her about her cheating boyfriend (his sugar momma nurse with the good paycheck).. If he tried to contact her, then I might worry about it, but in my case I knew the POS ran for the hills once he got caught.. he wanted nothing to do with my wife, he just didn't want his GF to find out. I wonder how they are getting along these days...

If someone is still deep in the fog, they'll refuse, or give a bogus address, or things you mention.. those are when you start the D process...

It's normal for them to try to protect the OM/W, and to try to lie and deceive, that's what you're trying to break them from with the NC, that whole mentality of putting the AP first and the spouse second.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

_The contact letter's value is parallel with the level of remorse the wayward has for their behavior._

If your wayward isn't remorseful, then the letter is worthless as well.

That pretty much sums it up. It depends on how remorseful your spouse is...


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

they are as worthless as tits on a chicken. if the other person want to contact they will just as the person who sent it will. just a waste of time. if the cheater does not want to contact and wants to work on the marriage they wont. but thats just my .02 cents


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My preference is for the hand-written (on actual paper, with a real pen) NC letter which is then given to the BS to send. I'm also partial to the BS mailing (certified post or a delivery service requiring a signature at receipt) a separate copy to both the AP _and_ his/her spouse or SO. And I think it's best to send after you have good covert monitoring in place so that you'll know if the WS warns the AP or "takes it back" after it's sent. 

If the WS won't write it at all, R is a non-starter. If the WS wants to write it as an apology for hurting the AP or as some sort of tragic thwarted love affair goodbye to the AP, R is a non-starter. If the WS writes it as the BS likes, but makes contact to either warn the AP it's coming or let them know they didn't really mean it, R is a non-starter. 

I don't think any NC letter has any value as an actual tool of preventing contact. But I think it can be a useful tool in letting the BS know where the WS's head is. In my experience a BS can learn a great deal from what their WS balks at doing.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Back in my day's as the perpetual OM I got these letters and type of stuff all the time from wives and hubby's. 

It never worked. They always came back if they wanted to. 

No contact has to come from within. Only true regret, remorse and the fear of losing your Betrayed husband or wife, will cause no contact. All the letters in the world don't matter.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

F-102 said:


> I see that many WSs have agreed to NC (no contact) letters when they are trying to reconcile with their BS. True, I believe that they show a willingness on the WS's part to show true remorse, but I also think that NC letters are only worth the paper they're printed on; they are only worth the person who wrote and sent them.


The purpose of the letter is not to show remorse or trust. It is to firmly state the consequences if the WS does't not respect the boundaries of the marriage. "If you contact him/her, the marriage is over" "If they contact you and you don't tell me immediately, it's over." No room for excuses, the ground rules are clear and if you are going to set the rules, you need to be emotionally ready to act on them if they fail.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wrote a NC letter before I had even heard of the concept. It helped me a great deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> they are as worthless as tits on a chicken. if the other person want to contact they will just as the person who sent it will. just a waste of time. if the cheater does not want to contact and wants to work on the marriage they wont. but thats just my .02 cents


Thats pretty much my feeling on the letter.

If I was the OM, I could care less about some letter if I wanted to contact her.

Although I can see how others have stated that its the act of the WS actually writing the letter and prepared to mail it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You could have the wayward spouse write it, hand it to you, and you mail it, certified, return receipt, etc. That doesn't mean your spouse won't break the NC agreement but you will know it was sent and received. If you discover evidence of further contact, it's clearly and squarely on your spouse. Before mailing it, I'd retain a copy for my lawyer to use for purposes deemed appropriate in any future divorce proceedings. It's basically a signed and dated adultery confession. 
In all honesty, though, if I can't trust someone, I don't need them. I'd have to have some really heavy, compelling motivation to hang onto a cheater. If they have to be forced into faithfulness, they aren't a partner, they are a hostage. I'm not a hostage-taker.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

The NC letter always seemed silly to me. If I was in that sitch, I wouldn't waste my time on it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You could have the wayward spouse write it, hand it to you, and you mail it, certified, return receipt, etc. That doesn't mean your spouse won't break the NC agreement but you will know it was sent and received. If you discover evidence of further contact, it's clearly and squarely on your spouse. Before mailing it, I'd retain a copy for my lawyer to use for purposes deemed appropriate in any future divorce proceedings. It's basically a signed and dated adultery confession.
> In all honesty, though, if I can't trust someone, I don't need them. I'd have to have some really heavy, compelling motivation to hang onto a cheater. If they have to be forced into faithfulness, they aren't a partner, they are a hostage. I'm not a hostage-taker.


I guess that sums it up nicely.. It's a test to see if they need a gun to the head to do it, or if they comply without hesitation.. if when they say "I'll do anything", they mean it... Are they willing to tell the AP to piss off? Or do they want to still protect the affair... It's to not only find out how confused they are (fog), but to help clear things up for them.. get them out of the self deluded state of thinking what they're doing is acceptable behavior. When you have to write to your partner in sleaze about how you can no longer eat cake together, it's a humbling thing I'm sure to most people.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife did not ask me to write it. I decided to write it myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I did not have my wife do the NC letter.
I went to OM's house told him face to face

At the end of the brief talk he said don't ever come here again and i said don't you ever go around my wife again.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

russell28 said:


> I guess that sums it up nicely.. It's a test to see if they need a gun to the head to do it, or if they comply without hesitation.. if when they say "I'll do anything", they mean it... Are they willing to tell the AP to piss off? Or do they want to still protect the affair... It's to not only find out how confused they are (fog), but to help clear things up for them.. get them out of the self deluded state of thinking what they're doing is acceptable behavior. When you have to write to your partner in sleaze about how you can no longer eat cake together, it's a humbling thing I'm sure to most people.


The "I'll do anything" scenario? Well, I'd have an ace up my sleeve for that, but I'd have to have my ducks in a row, first.

First, I'd find the phone number of the AP's spouse. Then, when the WS gives the "I'll do anything" shpiel, I'd say:

BS: "Really? Absolutely ANYTHING?"

WS: :"Yes...ANYTHING!"

BS: "Good, because I'm going to take you up on that. How you respond to this demand, and how you handle the conversation that you are about to have, will determine the future of this marriage. I am going to dial the number of his/her spouse, and you, not I-YOU, are going to confess everything to them. THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE."

That will take care of the exposure/NC in one shot.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

To me, the NC letter is the line in the sand. Its one of the mandatory requirements for R - that there will be consequences of breaking NC. 

Can the OM/OW fish for renewed contact? Of course they can.

Can your WS break NC? Of course they can.

But there will be consequences, such as R being taken off the table and straight to D, further exposure, etc, etc. 

This also means a NC letter is worthless if the BS isn't willing to enforce it.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> To me, the NC letter is the line in the sand. Its one of the mandatory requirements for R - that there will be consequences of breaking NC.
> 
> Can the OM/OW fish for renewed contact? Of course they can.
> 
> ...


This... that was my issue. So, I saw 3 NC letters and dozens of broken NC occurrences. Hell, the first one alone had him asking her all sorts of questions which lead to her and him discussing a lot about how I was handling it and what I should be doing to try and win her back... 

I hate remembering I was like that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

To me, it isn't for the Way Ward or the OM it is for the betrayed spouse. You show the spouse the consequences and now the Affair Partner knows it positively isn't a secret . That way the other two make a CHOICE to continue contact knowing the consequences for the way ward spouse..It fails because many spouses keep moving the line.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Not worth it. My wife wrote one sent it, but it was a ruse. She continued with the A. When she repented in April and came clean and I busted the XOM I didn't need no stinkin letter, I talked to XOM for a few days and that was enough for me. My wife knows if there is any contact in any form she might as well start packing, Unless she tells me right away.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Worthless.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

The NC letter my xww wrote to the OM was never read by him.
It was sent certified mail and he never bothered to pick it up from the
post office. 

She didn't have to know that though.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Racer said:


> This... that was my issue. So, I saw 3 NC letters and dozens of broken NC occurrences. Hell, the first one alone had him asking her all sorts of questions which lead to her and him discussing a lot about how I was handling it and what I should be doing to try and win her back...
> 
> I hate remembering I was like that.


That is kind of funny. In a laughing with you, brother, sort of way. These were some of the conversations my wife and the sh*tburger had before I knew what a no contact letter was but when I was saying in no uncertain terms I don't know much about your new friend but I know this friendship is not good for our marriage or family.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Interesting topic. I guess I had taken as given without thinking about it much that there was value on both sides of the equation there. But thinking about it today, maybe not. Maybe in some cases there is some value to the WS who has already come to recognize that they have truly screwed the pooch in putting some punctuation and symbolic finality to the misdeed. Maybe, if we assume AP in this case is naive, there is some value in making AP aware of what sh*tty thing they have been a part of and that it has maybe blown up a family where often the casualties include little kids. Maybe. But the value to BS? Maybe mostly illusory.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NC letter can be a good tool but ultimately, the thing worth the most is the person who cheated severing all contact completely and forever w/ the AP. It's the actual staying NO contact.


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## sdyjdstyqing (Dec 20, 2013)

I never mailed it..


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## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

If your cheating spouse didn't honor his or her sacred wedding vows, how can they be expected to honor some silly little letter? IMHO, it comes across as a desperate and weak act from the BS. I would think in many cases this would just send the affair underground.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

if the WS takes it underground, and warns the AP that a NC letter is coming..."hey, we have to take this on the down low, my husband/wife knows and is making me write you a letter of NO contact...IGNORE it, my husband/wife is dictating this letter to me to write you and I am doing it so he/she will let me stay in the house"...
Its symbolic at best


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