# Successful marriage after period of trouble.



## Lost Lady

Has anyone here had the experience of building a strong, solid marriage after a a period of marital trouble? I would love to know your story and what steps you took to turn things around.

In my situation, my H and I have suffered emotional disconnect. I think we both knew that something was off in our marriage but the disconnect was really brought to light when H recently engaged in an EA during his current deployment (7 weeks ago at this point and I do feel confidence that it did not progress beyond an EA, no deep connections or sexual contact, and that H and OW no longer contact each other).

After a lot of reflection on my part and some discussion with my H, I feel that our problems started when depression and anxiety began to take hold in my life two years ago. I began to see life in a negative light and, if the book His Needs Her Needs is to be believed, stopped meeting my H's emotional needs.

On the flip side, my H is an optimistic person and my constant state of sadness wore him down. He is more emotionally reserved and does not like talking about emotions and problems. My intense emotions caused him to shut down in his ability to communicate with me. Basically he stopped meeting a very important emotional need for me and then it became a vicious cycle.

And then he deployed, which really doesn't improve a marriage, and the EA happened. I am deeply hurt by the EA but honestly, if it ends up being the thing that woke us both up and saves my marriage, I feel a sense of gratitude that it happened.

My H is still deployed though so, while we are making more progress than backsliding, it is still very hard to fix things properly right now.

Also, what can be done to heal the marriage once H is home in just under five months? How do we heal the damage from the EA and the disconnect that was already there?

The one thing that worries me about us being able to save our marriage is that I am very emotionally expressive and need communication while my H is emotionally reserved and does not like to talk too much about problems. 

Our marriage was not all doom and gloom or dead in the water prior to deployment though. We still spent time together, were still playful with each other, still talked and expressed love for each other, still had sex fairly regularly. It was not bad but it was cracked.

If anyone has a success story or positive but realistic advice, I would greatly appreciate it.


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## JohnA

Some might suggest using plan a from What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Also I think his EA was situational driven. Any work relationship that exist under great stress are on step away from an EA then a PA. Yes there are legit problems on both sides of the street but your husband got lucky and got caught. I think at sone point you will need to first accept your marriage was in crises due to legit issues you both need to work on and put his EA behind you.

Putting behind you does NOT MEAN LIVING DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND. Lets talk about transparency. You ready?


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## thread the needle

Although we are a work in progress, I have shared my successes and suggestions in other posts with clear titles. 

1. goodwill is very powerful 
2. fake it tip you make it 
3. smooch every time you come and go 
4. nonsexual touch 
5. be more flexible and accommodating 
6. smile and wink 
7. be nice 
8. listen and respond


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## Lost Lady

JohnA said:


> Putting behind you does NOT MEAN LIVING DEAF, DUMB, AND BLIND. Lets talk about transparency. You ready?


Yes, I'm ready. What about transparency?


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## Lost Lady

thread the needle said:


> Although we are a work in progress, I have shared my successes and suggestions in other posts with clear titles.
> 
> 1. goodwill is very powerful
> 2. fake it tip you make it
> 3. smooch every time you come and go
> 4. nonsexual touch
> 5. be more flexible and accommodating
> 6. smile and wink
> 7. be nice
> 8. listen and respond


Thank you, I will your posts up.


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## JohnA

Hi, trans comes down to the only privacy in a marriage is closing the bathroom door for bio waste purposes only. To start no unknown passwords. To start follow this link Talk About Marriage - Search Forums to the advance search function and type in transparency 

Also if I have not mentioned it take a moment to read F-102's thoughts on how an EA starts on this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html. It is about half way down. You might find you want to read the whole thread. Why ? Knowing how it happened might give you the confidence to try save your marriage. 

Take you time to reaserch each topic as they come up. Transparency, the fog, trickle truth, and EAs are a good place to start. There is a good weeks worth of work there to start. 

Oh, did anyone mention rugsweeping ? Let that one wait to next next week. Followed by triggers. 

A lot of posters will tell you, and they are right, that he does all the heavy lifting. But the truth is you have some heavy lifting as well. Yours are three, Owning and fixing your issues, learning to live aware, and enforcing him owning his. Oh lord two more, living aware (ie 50,000 feet) and boundaries. 

Lana you do this work you will have a great marriage, with him or someone else.


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## happy2gether

to me the hardest part will be both of you keeping your eye on the marriage with him being away for another few months. It gives a lot of time to reflect. Hoping it works out for you, I really do.


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## norajane

> The one thing that worries me about us being able to save our marriage is that I am very emotionally expressive and need communication while my H is emotionally reserved and does not like to talk too much about problems.


Have you tried writing emails when you want to talk about something emotionally loaded? Sometimes it's easier for reserved people to write their thoughts rather than to talk about them. It gives both of you time to think about what you really are trying to communicate, and what has been communicated.


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## Relationship Teacher

Acceptance is the key here. You are both different people. I would tell you to consider that you are both important and you should not impose your needs on him, necessarily. With acceptance, it won't be a painful "need" of yours.

With acceptance, he will likely communicate more. As odd as it sounds, the best way to get what you want is to focus purely on your love for him. For you to be on here, he has to be the recipient of considerable love from you.


Good Luck
Relationship Teacher


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