# Wife not pulling weight, and want to have kids



## speedgoat55 (May 5, 2017)

My wife (32) and I (33) have been married for 1.5 years and living together for 3 years, and even she will admit the household chores have always been unbalanced. I do all of the shopping, cooking, financial management, as well as any odd thing that comes up (filling out pet insurance forms, taking care of the mail... all the little things that go unnoticed), plus the large majority of cleaning, dishes, etc. You could say that when my first job ends, my second job begins. She and her friends say I'm a saint, but then she does very little to try to make things a bit more equitable.

We both work full-time, but she does have a more demanding and stressful job. On a typical day we will leave at the same time, but I will get off work at 5:15, hit the gym, and get home around 6:45, while she will leave work at 6:15 and get home at 7. She also probably logs into work at night for ~2hrs 2x/wk, and once on the weekend. I fully acknowledge that and I don't mind doing more than my "50.0%" because I know she works very hard and is highly career-driven. I believe relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100, and so I try not to be selfish and just hope she does the same.

Lately, this has been getting on my nerves more and more though, and it is exacerbated by the fact that we plan on trying for a kid (just one for now) in a month or two. She does not cook ever, and she doesn't eat meat so I can't cook at least half of the meals in my repertoire. She usually just sits there on Facebook while I frantically slave away making our dinner (and lunches for me - her job gives her free, excellent food), then when we're done I usually end up doing the dishes myself. She keeps saying to just tell her what I want her to do, but A) it's not easy to tell someone every single step of what you want done, a more proactive approach would be greatly appreciated, and B) even if I ask her to do the smallest of things, like bring utensils to the table, she will get distracted by something else and I'll end up doing it.

Now normally this is irritating enough, but the prospect of her becoming pregnant makes this ever more frustrating. She does not demand that I cook and is happy to eat just a Boca burger for dinner after not eating lunch at work because her day is too hectic, but if she is going to have our baby, a Boca burger isn't going to cut it!! She already doesn't eat meat, but she does not show any willingness to change her diet in any way to support better health. She is happy to just eat packaged crap or take-out, but as someone who tries to eat quite healthy myself, I cannot let that happen for her health or our baby's. Furthermore, she just about refuses to eat any sort of leftovers, even if she liked the food the night before. It's easy to say, "whatever, eat whatever you want," but not when she is going to carry our child.

Not only that, but the prenatal vitamins she is supposed to take 3x/day, I can barely get her to take once because they are large. Guess what? This will be the least of your problems as a parent. I also have to practically drag her to the gym once a week if I'm lucky when she should really be going at least 3x/wk for this baby. I'm not concerned with her weight - believe me, she is way outta my league and not overweight at all - but she needs to be healthy and fit for the rigors of pregnancy and birth. Yet I try to motivate her and provide good food for her, and it goes nowhere. I actually wish I could have this baby for us, as while pregnancy and giving birth sound awful, I already eat, executise, and take vitamins and would do whatever it takes for the best chance at a healthy child.

When I bring things up to her, it goes nowhere, and in the past couple of weeks she has had a particularly hard time at work so I feel like a horrible person nagging her. But even when she was leaving work at 5pm most days, it was like this, and I just don't know what to do anymore. It's more than just being tired of doing almost everything around the house anymore - this is our future child. She just doesn't seem to be willing to do anything she doesn't WANT to do, and meanwhile I'm rushing around trying to keep the household running and pleading for her to do what's right for our family planning. I freak out when I think about what it will be like when we actually have a kid. Will I have to change diapers while at a hot stove?! *How do I get her to finally, actually change??*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OMG, your wife is taking you for granted.YOU need to sit her down and tell her that while she may have a more demanding job that you, she has to stop sitting on FB and help out.
Draw up a list of chores that need to be done daily. 
She takes some of the chores. Get her involved with the cooking, chopping veg, etc. There are excellent recipes on line with veg protein such as chickpeas, peas, beans, lentils that you can both learn to cook together so she has nutrition.
I highly doubt your wife is capable of having a child, she may give birth to one but taking care of one is highly unlikely, if you continue to enable her by doing everything for her then things will not change. She has the best of it and after all you are a 'saint', a doormat more like it.

Once you discuss this with her, then stop doing the chores assigned to her. Do not step in to help, do not take them back. You have to implement this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You allready have one child in your house,don't bring another one into the equation until the first one grows up.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

My prediction, If you have a child with her she wiil do even less!


Shes way out of your league!!!hmm sounds likes your way out of her league!

A pretty woman who treats you like this isn't worth it in my opinion. Let me guess your sex life goes something like ........you have to pursue her and then she lets you please her with very little reciprocation.

1.5 years only i'd start planning on leaving!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with the others, and I appreciate you are concerned about her ability to carry successfully. 

There's a much more crucial thing that you've grasped, however. She is not living like she is ready to become a mother, let alone partner.

You say that you've tried to communicate in various ways. I think you need a come to Jesus moment with her, where you tell her that you will not have a child with a woman that doesn't have her priorities straight. 

Being vegetarian and pregnant is not an issue, as long as she were getting ample protein and B vitamins and continuing to take her prenatal vitamins. I'm technically pescetarian (veg that eats fish) and have been nearly my whole life. I've read extensively on vegetarian pregnancy diet and although certain meats provide the best sources for some nutrients, it's not impossible to get them elsewhere. You have to do your homework, though, and learn about foods and cooking healthy meals. 

Vitafusion makes gummy prenatal vitamins, as do other brands.

She has to be on fire for children and show with her actions that children is what she wants and what she is waiting to accommodate into her life. You are foreseeing the stress and (your) misery ahead if things continue as they are. 

You can't make her change. You're welcome to tell her what YOU will and won't do. You're welcome to try and shock her with your come to Jesus discussion. But understand that people rarely, if ever, change. This is who she is. You can either accept it or move on, because history and experience tells me that if you have a serious talk with her, she won't budge, since for years you have not given her cause to. She has become accustomed to things as they are and you have allowed her treatment of you. So really, the change must come from (start with) you.


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## Celtic (Apr 7, 2017)

Your situation sounds very much like my first marriage so you have my complete empathy on how tiring and frustrating it can be; not to mention lonely and isolating when you are taking care of everything yourself. I'd come home from 12 hours at work to cook dinner and clean the house, do any odd jobs like responding to bills or making calls, then walk the dogs, then clean up after dinner and go grocery shopping, then attempt to study for my degree, then finally pass out exhausted at around 2:00am each night. In comparison my ex would come home from work to a home cooked meal then spend the entire night on Facebook or YouTube. Having grown up with maids, she just didn't have the sense to do housework or help out with chores about the place.

She too wanted us to have children but as @Andy1001 says I was already looking after one child (her) and I could no way handle a baby on top of things. In the end I asked her for a divorce. There were other factors of course (no sex, no appreciation or communication) but being married to a child as opposed to a wife was one of the main factors. 

Best advice I can think of is to sit her down and explain that you need her to start sharing responsibilities. Don't joke or be playful about it. Be straight and to the point. Draw up a schedule if you have to, she may need that extra guidance and if she needs help then by all means show her by example but she alone has to take on some things herself. If she still prefers to spend her nights in front of the television while you continue to keep things in check, she's not the partner you need.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why did you marry her?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Be assured that if you guys do have a child, you will be a single parent. I think you need to have a really serious conversation with your wife before you guys even continue conversations about having a baby. She sounds like an entitled princess.

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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Two things in the op's original post.
His wife's friends think he is a saint.Substitute sucker for saint.
His wife is way out of his league.Does he mean financially,physically or both.He can't keep putting his wife on a pedestal and then wonder why she treats him like a servant.All I can think is the sex must be amazing.
The op has let this go on for too long and he needs to start changing but wringing his hands isn't going to help.
STOP being a doormat and only cook for yourself and do your own laundry,then see how long before she wants to"talk".


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Is she just exhausted from her job? 
Perhaps if she was more motivated to doing exercise and eating healthier she would have more energy. 

You sound more like her parent than her husband though. Are you enabling her by doing everything? 

She's an adult, it is her body and her health, she has to learn to take care of herself. Stop doing everything for her. Then she might change. 



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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

speedgoat55 said:


> My wife (32) and I (33) have been married for 1.5 years and living together for 3 years, and even she will admit the household chores have always been unbalanced. I do all of the shopping, cooking, financial management, as well as any odd thing that comes up (filling out pet insurance forms, taking care of the mail... all the little things that go unnoticed), plus the large majority of cleaning, dishes, etc. You could say that when my first job ends, my second job begins. She and her friends say I'm a saint, but then she does very little to try to make things a bit more equitable.
> 
> We both work full-time, but she does have a more demanding and stressful job. On a typical day we will leave at the same time, but I will get off work at 5:15, hit the gym, and get home around 6:45, while she will leave work at 6:15 and get home at 7. She also probably logs into work at night for ~2hrs 2x/wk, and once on the weekend. I fully acknowledge that and I don't mind doing more than my "50.0%" because I know she works very hard and is highly career-driven. I believe relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100, and so I try not to be selfish and just hope she does the same.
> 
> ...


You don't. You accept her the way she is, because you love her.

Or you divorce her and look for someone more the way you think a wife/mother ought to be.

You sound pretty controlling, OP. High maintenance. Your wife may find she is a lot happier with someone more laid back like herself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why has nobody addressed the fact that he seems to think he should decide what she eats?

OP, I was feeling a little bad until you started preaching about how she should eat. She is a grown woman. 

She should eat meat because you've decided it's healthier? Why is this your decision?

She's not demanding that you cater to her preferences.

It sounds like you cook what you want to cook, and you seem to have daily gym time, so why not just ask her to do the dishes?

Geez, we women are told all time that men aren't mind readers and need to be told what to do so why is she expected to read his mind?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Don't have a kid or you will be taking care of two kids.

she is taking advantage of you, I would stop doing things to see how long it would take her to care enough to get off of FB and help you out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why has nobody addressed the fact that he seems to think he should decide what she eats?
> 
> OP, I was feeling a little bad until you started preaching about how she should eat. She is a grown woman.
> 
> ...


Wow...still a hard ass.

He tells her [wants her] to eat healthy. For* her* health and any future babies health. And you criticize THAT? 

*Yes, she is an adult, but she should act like one.* I'm sorry, but he is the perfect man for her.....the perfect Dad for her, the perfect Dietician for her, the perfect loving Husband for her. This man LOVES HER and wants the best for her and any future baby.

Me? I would make sure she gets protein from something that she will eat, eggs, nuts, seafood, legumes/beans....something. Not because I am controlling and bossy, but because I care. 

Sounds like you would let your husband wither away if he were wrong headed. Or you would dump him.

This husband is perfect. Better then I could ever be. 

The wife is careless with her health and careless with her relationship. *She is not fully invested in her husband, herself, her marriage.*


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She is fine. Not everyone takes prenatal vitamins, and not every doctor recommends them.

Doing herself (and her baby) a big favor by being veg, too. 

She is relaxed and low maintenance. And a performer where it counts.

Probably be a great single mom, if it came to that. 

Better go to counseling to learn to relax, OP.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, I was going to add: Controlling much?

There are a lot of statements in there which indicate you attempt to micromanage your wife. 

She doesn't help put tableware out because you don't like how she does it, so you just do it. 

She asked you to tell her what to do, and you complain she should be proactive. But you said she better not make a mistake or you will take the job away from her.

Perhaps you've trained her to just stay out of your way.

The part about her diet really speaks volumes. When my wife was pregnant I did get involved. After all, she does belong to me. Does your wife belong to you?

And all I required was my wife take vitamins. Her diet is terrible, McDonalds and Diet Coke. Sometimes she cooks something greasy. And cookies. I really like her cookies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Wow...still a hard ass.
> 
> He tells her [wants her] to eat healthy. For* her* health and any future babies health. And you criticize THAT?
> 
> ...



Darling, please don't lecture me. He's not indicated that she's particularly unhealthy or that her doctor has concerns, only that she doesn't eat the meat that he holds dear and that she doesn't do the dishes he hasn't asked her to do while he does them himself. 

So he, with the less stressful job and plenty of daily gym time, does more chores? So you think he should get a medal?

And this perfect husband is cooking what he wants and what he thinks she should have .... he said she'd be happy to have a vegetarian Boca burger. 

So he's upset that she's not cooking things she doesn't want, and she's asked him to tell her what he wants her to do, which he apparently doesn't. 

What exactly is the problem?

How is she not an adult? Are men who don't cook not adults?

As for my hb, I cook happily with his preferences and mine in mind. My hb is not crazy about the smoothies I make for myself, but I think they're healthy so maybe I should throw a tantrum because he doesn't want some? And he likes more meat then me, so he should probably throw a tantrum too.

Shockingly, I could recognize that he's a grown ass man who can make his own food choices and as long as he's in reasonably good health I can mind my own damn business.

Has it occurred to you that she doesn't want "the perfect dietician"? Obviously not, because she's apparently not a grown woman.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Wow...still a hard ass.
> 
> He tells her [wants her] to eat healthy. For* her* health and any future babies health. And you criticize THAT?
> 
> ...


The issue is that while he has the right intentions, but he may be going about it the wrong way. 

You cannot force someone to change, only advise and guide them, if he is a tad controlling, he is not giving her space to be a responsible person. She figures if "he's going to do and be everything for me, then why should I bother even trying? He will probably only be critical about it"

You can bring the horse to water, but you cannot make her drink it. He's there shouting at her. "Drink it!!" 

She has to do it in her own time, without him watching over her, ready to pounce on her to say, "You're doing it wrong"! How can she or why would she want to try improve herself when he knows better? 

The best thing he can do it let her look after herself. He needs to back away and let her be an adult. 

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Even with my wife's crappy eating habits, and having low blood iron during each pregnancy which is the only reason I got involved in her diet, my first two children are fine. And the third was born with a genetic defect that was my damned fault.

In spite of what some may want to believe women aren't just breeder stock which have to be taken care of like livestock.

Bah.

The diet of the mother is her business. If she wants help, she'll ask for it. Even the doctor knows to tread softly.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

One man I know made his wife a salad every day she was pregnant. She did not always feel like eating it, and probably didn't, but he offered it to her every day, anyway.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The OP is an enabler. You have to sort this out now before continuing forward having kids...which means you have to stand up to her!! Make her get off Facebook and help you with preparing meals and cleaning the house. Let her know you are serious. The vacation is over, it's time for her to express to you whether or not you will stay married. You can't expect to stay doing everything forever and she won't change her ways unless you make her. If you don't, you'll be stuck with a marriage like mine. My wife does absolutely nothing...and yes I enabled it. Our house is so damn messy I don't even want to look at it anymore. I waited until it was too late to divorce her over this. Please don't make the same mistake.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

One of the surest ways for a man to drive his wife away from him is to be a nagging know it all.

If her doctor said she has a diet related problem then she can ask her doctor how to change her diet. If she asks her husband he should have helpful advice.

If her doctor has not said she has a diet related deficiency then there isn't even the slightest shred of evidence there is any valid reason for any concern at all, let alone the whole wacky nagging controlling nonsense.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

speedgoat55 said:


> My wife (32) and I (33) have been married for 1.5 years and living together for 3 years, and even she will admit the household chores have always been unbalanced. I do all of the shopping, cooking, financial management, as well as any odd thing that comes up (filling out pet insurance forms, taking care of the mail... all the little things that go unnoticed), plus the large majority of cleaning, dishes, etc. You could say that when my first job ends, my second job begins. She and her friends say I'm a saint, but then *she does very little to try to make things a bit more equitable.
> *
> 
> *I try not to be selfish* and just hope she does the same.
> ...


Yes, he is an enabler.....for sure!!

She is not a responsible person....for sure!!

Yes, he is controlling.....for sure!!..... If he weren't controlling there would be no food, the house a mess, a sick undernourished wife.
As mentioned in my earlier post, she is not invested in this marriage. He has to be the Daddy to her, also.

Some of the women posters are blaming him for being controlling.* I get that. *
But, at the same time, they are sticking up for this downer, anxious, nervous, dependent, sloth of a wife. Sorry, she is a user.

He is at his wits end. He carries his "end" of the marriage. The wife? Her "end" is dragging in the dirt and in the dust bunnies under her unmade bed.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Who makes the most money?

You say she's "career driven" and you think that will stop after she's had a kid?

Who will take care of the kid afterward? Nanny? Daycare? You?

My advice (based on my first marriage to a self-centered, entitled princess) don't have a kid. Plan your escape or rue the day you didn't." 

Kierkegaard comes to mind: “The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have.”


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I partially agree with @jld, @lifeistooshort, and @SunCMars. They all have all addressed elements of the total issue at hand.

My thoughts on this are a little more simple. It's pretty basic incompatibility between them. She is more laid-back about many things, he holds certain actions to be indicative of level of interest/caring. She could be viewed as very lax over things, the OP could be viewed as more controlling.

Unless they can find a way to communicate successfully and reach middle ground, one or both will grow to resent the other over time.

Their parenting styles will absolutely clash.

So, OP, it's a lot to think about but I still maintain that if you want there to be change, you will have to be the one to initiate it, since you have identified an issue.

Perhaps MC is an option, to better learn to communicate?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why has nobody addressed the fact that he seems to think he should decide what she eats?
> 
> OP, I was feeling a little bad until you started preaching about how she should eat. She is a grown woman.
> 
> ...


I have just reread what he wrote



> "She is happy to just eat packaged crap or take-out"


So I am not entirely sure that he wants her to eat meat, or if he just wants her to eat a more healthy vegetarian diet?

After all, in UK terms, a massive bag of chips (really thick fries) and a cheese and onion pasty every day would count as a vegetarian diet, but it would be very unhealthy.

Perhaps @speedgoat55 could explain what he means?

It is easy for a spouse to fall into the "controlling" trap if their partner acts like a spoilt brat -male or female- the spouse can slip into parenting mode without even realising it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> *One of the surest ways for a man to drive his wife away from him is to be a nagging know it all.*
> 
> If her doctor said she has a diet related problem then she can ask her doctor how to change her diet. If she asks her husband he should have helpful advice.
> 
> If her doctor has not said she has a diet related deficiency then there isn't even the slightest shred of evidence there is any valid reason for any concern at all, let alone the whole wacky nagging controlling nonsense.


What? Should he turn a blind eye to everything?

The best solution here would be for him to divorce her before any babies arrive.

They simply are not compatible.

He sounds like he is "mostly" a perfectionist, maybe a neat freak [dunno]. 
He is a go-getter, takes life seriously.


She is the opposite.
............................................................................................................
Oh, for the record...I am not controlling [of others]...not at all. Am very easy-going, 90% of the time.

I am capable of being "taught" something, more useful, more logical. 

I am OCD with my own responses and behavior. 
............................................................................................................


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Do I think the OP's wife is taking advantage of him and living in some sort of perpetual adolescence where she seems to have no responsibility for adult life? Yes. But I also think the OP sounds like he can probably be a little critical and overbearing, while also not being very clear about his own boundaries and expectations. He's enabling her to continue being this way. He's parenting her. While he, even we, may think she needs parenting, that's _not_ a healthy dynamic for a marriage. 

I think they could both likely benefit from seeing a MC to help them sort out how to manage their home and work lives, together, in a loving and balanced manner. Best not to have children at all until they sort out how to be a functional couple with balanced lives and no resentment from either side. If it turns out either of them can't or won't make the changes necessary for a healthy marriage, then at least there won't be a child in the middle of their dysfunctional home and/or looming divorce. 



By the way, OP, aside from any other issues you two may have, being hyper controlling about what your wife eats and how much she exercises before and during pregnancy is unlikely to be a positive thing for your marriage. She may be acting childishly, but you're acting like an overly controlling helicopter parent in this instance. And, honestly, unless there's a serious nutritional deficiency, then your wife and baby will likely be fine on even her current diet. I'd spent most of my life eating a healthy diet and getting plenty of exercise before I became pregnant, and had every intention of continuing to do exactly that. I still spent the last 8+ months of my pregnancy vomiting dozens of times per day, lost 30 pounds from my healthy pre-pregnancy weight, got approximately no exercise, and subsisted almost entirely on a diet of soda crackers, ginger tea, IV fluids and an ever-changing Reglan/Phenergan/Zofran cocktail. My son was a robust 8lbs-10oz at birth. A healthy diet and exercise during pregnancy is certainly recommended, but it's not something to drive yourself, or your wife, crazy over if it isn't adhered to strictly - or even doesn't happen at all for reasons beyond your or her control.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, he is an enabler.....for sure!!
> 
> She is not a responsible person....for sure!!
> 
> ...


Call his behavior controlling all you want, that's just and excuse. Women usually have excuses for not holding down there end of martial responsibilities. Why does she deserve to be married anymore? She's nothing more than an enabled, entitled, princess.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> Probably be a great single mom, if it came to that.


With a job that has her away from home 11 hrs/day + additional job work after arriving home, that seems unlikely. With that kind of demand, she'd have a rough time being a good married mom, let alone a single mom. Some women can "do it all," but this doesn't appear to be one of them. 

And yes, I would make the same statement about being a dad, especially if the mom was also working a challenging job. This kid's best hope is that career driven mommy can earn enough for the whole family and OP becomes Mr. Mom. I doubt that's going to happen here, so this doesn't seem like a good scenario to introduce a child into, under any circumstances.

And how does she find time/energy for sex? I suspect once a kid is in the mix that will stop as well (until such time she decides she wants another one).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> With a job that has her away from home 11 hrs/day + additional job work after arriving home, that seems unlikely. With that kind of demand, she'd have a rough time being a good married mom, let alone a single mom. Some women can "do it all," but this doesn't appear to be one of them.
> 
> And yes, I would make the same statement about being a dad, especially if the mom was also working a challenging job. This kid's best hope is that career driven mommy can earn enough for the whole family and OP becomes Mr. Mom. I doubt that's going to happen here, so this doesn't seem like a good scenario to introduce a child into, under any circumstances.
> 
> And how does she find time/energy for sex? I suspect once a kid is in the mix that will stop as well (until such time she decides she wants another one).


I think she is doing fine. OP is really lucky she stays with him.

Funny how we all perceive this differently.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Call his behavior controlling all you want, that's just and excuse. Women usually have excuses for not holding down there end of martial responsibilities. Why does she deserve to be married anymore? She's nothing more than an enabled, entitled, princess.


Yep.... an entitled princess who probably makes more money then him and by his own admission would be happy with a Boca burger.....hardly sounds like she makes huge demands of him. 

Doesn't sound like she's strong arming him into anything.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Regarding the chores, different people have differing levels of tolerance for mess, and they also prioritize chores differently.

Lists would help, I think. Make a list of what you would like her to help with. 

The food thing, that sounds like a bigger issue. It's completely fine to be concerned that she's eating well if she gets pregnant, because those things can matter a lot as the child is growing. Getting enough iodine, for example, can make a difference of 15 IQ points for your child--an entire standard deviation from the norm!

I'd ignore the "blah blah blah! Controlling! blah blah blah!" nonsense. The "it's my body I'll do what I want!" commentary is the narrative of irresponsible children, who don't have relationships, and don't desire them. 

Definitely consider some marital counseling. The biggest issues here are different priorities with very poor communication. You need to communicate better with your wife, and she with you, and that's going to mean listening, for both of you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Darling, please don't lecture me. He's not indicated that she's particularly unhealthy or that her doctor has concerns, only that she doesn't eat the meat that he holds dear and that she doesn't do the dishes he hasn't asked her to do while he does them himself.
> 
> So he, with the less stressful job and plenty of daily gym time, does more chores? So you think he should get a medal?
> 
> ...


Dear, you defend yourself well.... Touche'

I have no issues with you *at al*l....

It is a chemical thing....my feathers rarely get ruffled....but do occasionally get fluffed out like a Peacoks. 

Issues with you? This is a family show. And both of us are happily married...

Thanks :surprise:

Just sayin'


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I didn't see anything in the original post about the op wanting his wife to eat meat.He wants her to eat healthily rather then processed ready made meals.These meals are high in salt,sugar and fats including trans fats.She refuses to eat healthy and because she wants to become pregnant and doesn't receive enough vitamins from her diet it is recommended she take certain vitamin supplements which she only takes occasionally rather than the recommended dosage.Vitamins only stay in the body for a certain length of time,to get the benefit they have to be taken constantly.
I have said myself on this forum that women need to be clearer with men when wanting them to do something.This does not apply here,this self entitled little princess knows that a house doesn't clean itself,she knows laundry doesn't magically jump from the basket to the wardrobe,she knows the household paperwork doesn't do itself so it is ridiculous for anyone to say that because she asks her husband what does he want her to do then that is ok.He has said that if he asks her to do something she gets distracted and doesn't do it.
Like I said earlier he should do his own laundry,cooking and paperwork and she will soon wise up.The idea of bringing a baby into this environment is a joke,she is not capable of looking after a potted plant.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She's not wrong for wanting what she wants.

He's not wrong for wanting what he wants.

They are, however, likely *wrong for each other*.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> I think she is doing fine. OP is really lucky she stays with him.
> 
> Funny how we all perceive this differently.


Of course she is doing fine.She goes to work,comes home and sits on her ass all night while her husband cooks,cleans and runs the house.
How is she going to look after a baby,she can barely function as an adult.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She has a lot of responsibility at her job, Andy. And unless she was living with her parents until her late 20s, she managed her household, too.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yep.... an entitled princess who probably makes more money then him and by his own admission would be happy with a Boca burger.....hardly sounds like she makes huge demands of him.
> 
> Doesn't sound like she's strong arming him into anything.


I really love this post.Not.
If some man comes on this forum and said I earn more than my wife so she gets to do all the household cleaning,gardening,and cooking he would be under fire within seconds and probably never come back.
Your post should be saved for posterity.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> She has a lot of responsibility at her job, Andy. And unless she was living with her parents until her late 20s, she managed her household, too.


What she did in the past is irrelevant to her current status.The idea of this woman bringing a child into the world with her entitled attitude would scare most men.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> What she did in the past is irrelevant to her current status.The idea of this woman bringing a child into the world with her entitled attitude would scare most men.


Past is not precedent?

I think she will do fine. Sounds like a smart, relaxed woman. Great mother material.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Let me guess: she makes much more money than you, prioritizes her job over her marriage, and comes home from work mentally exhausted, ready to collapse on the couch and surf the web on those nights when she's not bringing work home, with nothing left over for you. While you would prefer activities with her (including sex), she prefers to "veg-out" on the couch, with TV or social media. You do the chores; she relaxes.

She likely thinks this routine is OK because her priorities are skewed toward work over family, and possibly (my assumption), she's bringing home the most money. You think it's OK because her job makes her happy on some level, and possibly (again, my assumption) there's a whopping discrepancy between your salaries or you have the perception that her future earnings will dwarf yours. 

Maybe I've miscalculated here and I don't have the facts straight. But either way, if the above description is even close to your home life, I can tell you from experience that this is no way to live the early years of your marriage. You know where this leads? Resentment. Regret. You'll piss away the best years of your married life, doing household chores while your wife binges on entertainment, which does nothing more for you both than facilitate a disconnected relationship and sets a precedent for continued inequality with household chores.

Get in front of this now. Set the expectation of better work/life balance with your wife, and plan with her that she join you one or two nights every week in activities that you enjoy. Schedule a weekly walk with her or have gym night, where she can do some low-impact cardio. Schedule activities with "couples" friends, and get out of the house with her. Get her doing more of the chores too. The 50/50 ideal split never happens (as you've acknowledged), but aim for 40/60. Don't accept 10/90, 20/80, or even 30/70. She lives in the house too, so she can do more to help out.

Before you have kids, make sure you get this work/life balance sorted out, and also, really make sure you've spent enough time together as a couple, including enough time with "couples" friends. Once kids are in the picture, they don't leave the picture for 18 years (or more)... and life changes big-time with a family. Make sure you enjoy carefree time with your spouse.

As for her diet during pregnancy, when this time comes, I would be more hands-off and just try to ensure she's getting the right macronutrients. There's a lot of vegan sources of protein (whey, soy, etc.), for instance. You might try incorporating these into her diet, again, when the time comes. Given your situation, it honestly seems like a mistake to have kids now. I think you two need to do some work first. 

Hope this helps. Good luck!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> Past is not precedent?
> 
> I think she will do fine. Sounds like a smart, relaxed woman. Great mother material.


How far back in the past are you going.They have been living together for three years so it's not something she started recently.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> I think she is doing fine. OP is really lucky she stays with him.
> 
> Funny how we all perceive this differently.


I think we're perceiving things much the same in terms of whether or not the OP is unnecessarily concerned about things like diet and exercise, and probably even how well the house is kept. He clearly has a need for more "order" in the home than her and that's something they need to find and accept middle ground on, or admit incompatibility and part ways. Or maybe he simply has to accept that if he's the only one who wants that level of order, it falls solely on him to provide it and he should not complain merely because they differ in this way. 

But no child wants a mother who is rarely home, and when home, still working or too tired or too otherwise engaged to make the child a priority. 

Why would anyone bring a baby into the world who is not going to be a priority? Playing amateur psychologist, it sounds like OP wife may be looking to fill a void, but the baby would be more than a prop to the OP wife than a human being in need of nurturing. Food and exercise may not be a concern, but this should be. 

If OP is willing to be Johnny homemaker, great. Junior will have all the attention he deserves and the house will be maintained to spec. Otherwise, these two should not make a baby together.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> Let me guess: she makes much more money than you, prioritizes her job over her marriage, and comes home from work mentally exhausted, ready to collapse on the couch and surf the web on those nights when she's not bringing work home, with nothing left over for you. While you would prefer activities with her (including sex), she prefers to "veg-out" on the couch, with TV or social media. You do the chores; she relaxes.
> 
> She likely thinks this routine is OK because her priorities are skewed toward work over family, and possibly (my assumption), she's bringing home the most money. You think it's OK because her job makes her happy on some level, and possibly (again, my assumption) there's a whopping discrepancy between your salaries or you have the perception that her future earnings will dwarf yours.
> 
> ...


Again,if the sexes were reversed here a lot of female members of tam would be up in arms.
I would suggest to the op that if this high flying career woman earns so much let her pay for a housekeeper.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Like I said earlier he should do his own laundry,cooking and paperwork and she will soon wise up.The idea of bringing a baby into this environment is a joke,she is not capable of looking after a potted plant.


My ex was a renowned plant killer and it was always the plant's fault. 

As for the mess, well when it got shoulder high, I relented and took care of it. And, I was the one with the bigger job outside the home, the greater income (she was a brilliant, highly trained graphic artist with NO clients, but a sound mastery of the current TV soaps.) 

You can't change her. A kid won't change her. You'll always be second fiddle to her career, to her personal desires. 

My advice: Don't have a kid. This marriage is headed down the tracks to a bridge that's gonna collapse.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

You can't make her change. She has to WANT to change. Have you ever read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie? It's and oldie but goodie and free online. It may help you out here. And it's likely she'll make some effort to change her diet once she becomes pregnant. Becoming a mom can do a lot to put a woman into a different frame of mind. 

http://images.kw.com/docs/2/1/2/212345/1285134779158_htwfaip.pdf


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

23cm said:


> My ex was a renowned plant killer and it was always the plant's fault.
> 
> As for the mess, well when it got shoulder high, I relented and took care of it. And, I was the one with the bigger job outside the home, the greater income (she was a brilliant, highly trained graphic artist with NO clients, but a sound mastery of the current TV soaps.)
> 
> ...


Oh yeah,another starving artist.It's something I can never get my head around and seems to be unique to the American educational system.Someone spends years and thousands of dollars on degrees,masters etc but hasn't any interest in the subject.
WHY.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> How far back in the past are you going.They have been living together for three years so it's not something she started recently.


I think she is 32. So she likely managed her own household until 29.

Her style is different than his. She is likely a P on the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory and he is surely a J. 

I think Ps often have a lot of raw intelligence. Js bring organization.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Satya said:


> She's not wrong for wanting what she wants.
> 
> He's not wrong for wanting what he wants.
> 
> They are, however, likely *wrong for each other*.


short and sweet but oh so true!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I have just reread what he wrote
> 
> 
> 
> ...



That is certainly possible, but I'm not sure it matters.

At the end of the day the question is how much of her diet he gets to dictate. He can certainly encourage her, but that's pretty much it.

And the greater issue is that he feels she isn't pulling her weight. I get that, but how much is reasonable?

She has a more demanding job and i hope it pays at least as much if not more because otherwise the extra time she puts in may not be worth it. He goes to the gym and it appears she doesn't, so that's more time disparity. He's got dietary preferences that do not appear to be shared by her and he's upset because she doesn't read his mind. 

She's not making demands of him..... to some degree he creates his own work. Let her eat Boca burgers and he can cook what he wants.

So what is reasonably required of her and why hasn't he just asked for what he wants? We both know that if genders were reversed and the guy had the more demanding job and wasn't doing what she considered reasonable chores she'd be told that his job is demanding and he's providing, and she should just ask for what she wants because men aren't mind readers.

Would such a guy be labeled a spoiled, entitled snowflake?

I doubt it. I honestly don't get why my position seems to strike such a nerve here. I kind of get where he's coming from with the packaged crap because when I met my hb that's what he did. I realized that i couldn't dictate what he bought so i shopped and cooked..... eventually I'd plan meals with him, get the stuff, and ask him to take care of it. Which he did. 

What I didn't do was be silently pissed off that he wasn't "proactive".

If there are specific things he wants he can sit with her and make a chore list that they both agree to. 

Then he has to let her do things how she does them. Women are told all the time not to hover and criticize hubby's of doing things.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey there OP, I haven't read any of the replies yet, but for starters, I would put off having a child with your wife until you get things sorted out. I've never had a baby, but would imagine that it's better to have a well-balanced diet while pregnant, and I'd also think that the prenatal vitamins are pretty important, big or not, they need to go down the chute!

I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her; it's not right that she's taking advantage of all that you do while sitting on Facebook; that's not cool. I would outline some things for her to do around the house. That's what I ended up having to do for my husband awhile after he moved in. He lived with his Mom, who did everything for him (he didn't cook/clean/do yard work, etc.). Hence, he knew nothing of what it took to run a household, so I made a sheet of household and yard chores that I did on a regular basis, and broke it down into daily, weekly and less often done chores. It helped him greatly, and saved me from having to continue asking for his help. This might be something that you consider as well...??


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

It's also worth noting that, no matter how perfect a woman's diet and exercise regimen may be, once a baby takes hold, all bets are off. 

My wife's eating habits changed dramatically, and in different ways, during all three of her pregnancies. She was never a red meat fan, but started slamming steak with her first--demanding it next to raw and bleeding! 

With number two, she had an overwhelming sweet tooth. 

With number three, it really didn't matter what, just so long as there was lots of it. She ate more than me and I was a 200lb powerlifter. 

It's as if the baby begins dictating the diet. Yes, I know this may not be healthy for either mom or baby... or maybe it is; maybe junior knows what is needed and demands it. The medical establishment has traditionally been overwhelmingly male, so it's been easy to dismiss pregnancy cravings as the delusional ravings of a hormonally unbalanced woman, but I suspect there may be more to it than that.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Well, as a married woman with a child and a job, I think you are controlling (this is for the poster who said that the only people saying that didn't have marriages or kids.) But I understand it!


You are just experiencing the flip side of what most women, including myself, do, which is work a full time job and then do the vast majority of housework. Welcome to our world. Ignore the eye-rolls from the men who don't believe this- you're living it now, too. The person who cares about it, usually takes of it. 

Not everyone cares about housework. Your wife doesn't care about it. If you weren't there, she would probably live in an untidy place and not really care much. Or she have done what I did when I was single, which was hire a house cleaner. Either way, it's not really on her radar. This doesn't make her a child. It just makes her an adult who doesn't care much about keeping a **** and span clean house. (Assuming she's not hoarding, leaving food out, etc- you didn't describe any really bad issues in your OP.)

Your wife is young and fit and pretty healthy, per your post, despite her eating packaged crap. She's not overweight, she is doing great in her career, things are good for her. 

And also, contrary to some posters, people CAN work a full time job and still be good parents. Again, it is very common to see this when men work very hard and long hours, but the wife is home more and is available. You are just going to be on the flip side, if you agree to it.

And that agreement is the main thing. You two are on different pages here. Her way isn't "bad" and your way isn't "bad", just like Right and Left aren't inherently bad. They just are going in different directions. 

So your main issue is that you're going to need to sit down and map out what you want, what she wants, and how/whether you are going to be get there together. I will echo everyone else who says that you need to accept some things. You are probably not going to win the battle over housework- that is something that rarely changes over the long haul. You will probably not win the battle over food, either. It will be up to you to decide your dealbreakers. It is good to make these decisions now, before kids.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Dear, you defend yourself well.... Touche'
> 
> I have no issues with you *at al*l....
> 
> ...


Hey, no worries.....i like you too. 

If one wants to ride the train of head butting with me they just have to be prepared to take the gloves off. I can take what I dish out 

I honestly don't get why I'm touching such a nerve here. I mean, just ask her for what he wants, let her do it her way, and if he makes himself more work that's on him.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

jld said:


> Her style is different than his. She is likely a P on the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory and he is surely a J.


If you measure them again, she's a J and he's a P. It is debatable if Myers-Briggs predicts anything and it's an awful classifier of personalities.
Have we all been duped by the Myers-Briggs test? | Fortune.com

OP and wife are different for sure, but differences only necessitate divorce when a couple cannot learn to balance changing habits that source conflict for constructive coping.

Big problem here is that the relationship seems to have "power differentials" that are driving unfair division of labor and anything else OP will tolerate. As long as he is of the mindset that "she is better than me" along one or more dimensions (wage, or looks), he's accepting a lower position of inferiority that does little good for his relationship at present, and stands to destroy it in the future. Married people, regardless of looks or wages, are joint partners and equals. I contend that anything less or more is not a marriage!


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I really love this post.Not.
> If some man comes on this forum and said I earn more than my wife so she gets to do all the household cleaning,gardening,and cooking he would be under fire within seconds and probably never come back.
> Your post should be saved for posterity.


SERIOUSLY.

It's good to know that having a "high-paying, high-stress" job absolves one from having to chip in at all with maintaining the household. Now every man who's the breadwinner can refer to this post.

If the H is expected to contribute to the household maintenance regardless of what he does for a living, then the same holds true for the W.

Double standards need not apply. One standard will do just fine.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yep.... an entitled princess who probably makes more money then him and by his own admission would be happy with a Boca burger.....hardly sounds like she makes huge demands of him.
> 
> Doesn't sound like she's strong arming him into anything.


We don't know that. How would you like it if your H sat at home doing nothing all day. I doubt whether you would defend his doing nothing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> We don't know that. How would you like it if your H sat at home doing nothing all day. I doubt whether you would defend his doing nothing.


I certainly would start by asking for what i want. 

Doubt I'd get much sympathy here if I silently seethed because he wasn't "proactive" and complained because his food choices didn't sync with what I thought they should be.

I mean, shouldn't I get to dictate his food choices because he's older? If I decide being vegan is the way to go am I entitled to force it on him because I think it'll make him healthier, thus lessening how much I have to take care of him?

Within reason I can certainly have an opiniom, but I don't get to dictate his dietary choices. And i don't get to criticize how he does chores or expect him to automatically know what I want.

OP strikes me as her parent, which tends to be bad for a marriage. Nobody wants to sleep with their parent.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

musicftw07 said:


> SERIOUSLY.
> 
> It's good to know that having a "high-paying, high-stress" job absolves one from having to chip in at all with maintaining the household. Now every man who's the breadwinner can refer to this post.
> 
> ...


Which TAM are you reading? I read all the time that a man who provides is doing his job and the wife needs to pick up the slack. ETA: I should specify that a man providing and working long hours is generally not expected to do as much, if anything! than the wife either working a paid job fewer hours or not working a paid job at all.

Look, of course she should be helping out. I guess it's just my experience, and the experience of many other people, that housework is a losing battle. It matters to some, and not at all to others. She cooks for herself, if he stopped doing the laundry she'd do it, and everything else probably doesn't matter much to her.

I don't consider my husband a child because he has some weird issue where he can't get a glass in the dishwasher. It drives me crazy, yes, but he brings a lot of other things to the table. I'm not about to call her a terrible person, someone who will be a horrible mom, because she has a great job and doesn't "find added value" as one of my high-powered friends likes to put it, in cleaning a tub (she hires that out.)

Now getting a house cleaner IS a solution that I hear from both men and women on TAM, and perhaps it might be a solution for the OP.


Both my husband and I regularly sit together on the couch after dinner, our feet entwined and our son snuggled up, and play on Facebook, read a book, watch a movie, while the bathroom should be cleaned, or the floor should be swept, or weeds should be pulled, or any number of chores should be done. So what? Our house is not filthy because I will get to these things eventually, but it is not "company ready" most of the time. It is OK with both him and me. We are compatible in this manner.

The OP and wife are not compatible. It is not helpful to call the wife names or degrade. She sounds like a pretty successful person. She just has different values than the OP.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

_anonymous_ said:


> If you measure them again, she's a J and he's a P.


How do you figure?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

OP, honest question, would you mind being a house hubby? Like you and the wife switch up the traditional gender roles... I have actually seen a lot of guys assume the household chores and ditch their full-time occupation, usually to be the full-time caregiver of young children. 

If you're OK with this arrangement and your wife is too (again, assuming she makes "beaucoup bucks" and it's financially feasible), it might be something to consider. You'd have plenty of time to go to the gym, and housework and childcare become your only job versus your second job. Pretty enticing, eh? You could still even come on TAM and complain about it, like the SAHWs out there. Think about it. It could work!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

_anonymous_ said:


> OP, honest question, would you mind being a house hubby? Like you and the wife switch up the traditional gender roles... I have actually seen a lot of guys assume the household chores and ditch their full-time occupation, usually to be the full-time caregiver of young children.
> 
> If you're OK with this arrangement and your wife is too (again, assuming she makes "beaucoup bucks" and it's financially feasible), it might be something to consider. You'd have plenty of time to go to the gym, and housework and childcare become your only job versus your second job. Pretty enticing, eh? You could still even come on TAM and complain about it, like the SAHWs out there. Think about it. It could work!


And then when she loses all respect for him,has an affair and divorces him,he will have no career,home or wife.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

RoseAglow said:


> Which TAM are you reading? I read all the time that a man who provides is doing his job and the wife needs to pick up the slack.


I'm not speaking just about TAM. I'm speaking in a very broad societal sense.

But yes, I've also seen on TAM women say that their H needs to help around the house regardless of whether or not he works long hours and/or is the sole breadwinner. Not every woman, by any means. But enough to cause me to notice.

I absolutely empathize with the OP because my xWW was just like his W: absolutely and utterly useless. I made the most money, worked the most hours, did all the cooking, and the vast majority of the cleaning. All it got me was cheated on.

I'm not saying the OP is perfect. It sounds like he's got things he needs to work on too, just like I did in my marriage.

But his instincts to not have a child with this woman ARE DEAD ON. He does far too much in this relationship and needs to either only cook and clean for himself only, or get out of this marriage.

I recommend the latter.

OP, I also recommend you make a deposit at a sperm bank and then get a vasectomy. Protect your reproductive rights at all costs.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

jld said:


> How do you figure?


Well-known test-retest bias with M-B. The article I referenced talks about it. Completely beside the point, but a fun fact. What's interesting is that lots of universities and multinationals still use the test for recruiting, career development, and the like.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

_anonymous_ said:


> Well-known test-retest bias with M-B. The article I referenced talks about it. Completely beside the point, but a fun fact. What's interesting is that lots of universities and multinationals still use the test for recruiting, career development, and the like.


She looks pretty laid back to me and he looks pretty uptight. How do you get that she's a J and he's a P?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> And then when she loses all respect for him,has an affair and divorces him,he will have no career,home or wife.


But, as the house husband, he could take her to the cleaners in divorce court! Especially with kids, and sacrificing his career for the family. 

It's like he's the wife in the typical divorce, and most states would give him 50% of the communal property, even if he didn't earn it. 

I agree it's pretty unsexy when the man doesn't work. All the guys I know like this are married to a doctor or lawyer, and for whatever reason, the woman finds it acceptable. I've got a theory that some high-powered career women love dominant roles in their relationships, and will tolerate non-working husbands to this end.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

My W was the same, barely eat, did not look after herself at all, sleep much, smoked and did not have a care in the world or do laundry or anything like that, she just wanted to chill and have fun as why not you dont have that responsibility, this all changed the moment she became pregnant she focused on eating very healthy, gym, quit smoking, took prenatal and became a different person as did I, having a child changes most people because you have to change some aspects to be successful at it.

She may be just fine and you are worrying over nothing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MovingForward said:


> My W was the same, barely eat, did not look after herself at all, sleep much, smoked and did not have a care in the world or do laundry or anything like that, she just wanted to chill and have fun as why not you dont have that responsibility, this all changed the moment she became pregnant she focused on eating very healthy, gym, quit smoking, took prenatal and became a different person as did I, having a child changes most people because you have to change some aspects to be successful at it.
> 
> *She may be just fine and you are worrying over nothing*.


Ya think?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

jld said:


> She looks pretty laid back to me and he looks pretty uptight. How do you get that she's a J and he's a P?


I was just saying, if you re-classified them you'd get a different result, that's all. I agree on your take with their personalities.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

And OP if you are this uptight now you will go insane once she is pregnant or you have the extra pressure of a child, you should probably learn to relax more, I was extremely chilled out prior to kids but over the years became an uptight A-Hole and it is looking like it has cost me my marriage.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> She looks pretty laid back to me and he looks pretty uptight. How do you get that she's a J and he's a P?


Brigs Meyer is only as accurate as the information given.The problem is people don't answer honesty,they answer what they think is the truth but it's more often not.When people are asked how would they behave in a certain situation the answer is more likely to be what they hope they would do rather than what they actually would do.
A triumph of hope over experience.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Brigs Meyer is only as accurate as the information given.The problem is people don't answer honesty,they answer what they think is the truth but it's more often not.When people are asked how would they behave in a certain situation the answer is more likely to be what they hope they would do rather than what they actually would do.
> A triumph of hope over experience.


My husband's company paid a lot of money for him to be professionally tested a few years back. Got him right on the money, too.

The point is that she is how she is and he is how he is and if they can learn to appreciate the differences, they can figure this thing out. It's kind of silly to divorce over housework.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

musicftw07 said:


> I'm not speaking just about TAM. I'm speaking in a very broad societal sense.
> 
> But yes, I've also seen on TAM women say that their H needs to help around the house regardless of whether or not he works long hours and/or is the sole breadwinner. Not every woman, by any means. But enough to cause me to notice.
> 
> ...


Well, not for nothing, my husband also had the horrible experience of being cheated on by his first wife. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can tell you that my husband is useless with domestic housework. He still can't manage to give my son a bath without my son screaming over getting suds in his eyes and it's been over 6 years! My son pushes H out of the bathroom if he tries to come into "help" with bath! It didn't protect him from being cheated on at all.

I don't see any instinct to avoid having kids in the OP's post- it seems to me like he is trying to drag her to prepare for getting pregnant. But I agree with you that he should STOP and clear this up first.

Whether he is doing too much is up for grabs. He is doing more than he needs to, for sure! His wife has no right to have her dinners cooked, or laundry done, or rooms vacuumed. If he does stop doing all those things, I would just him to be prepared in case she still doesn't do any of it. She might just let the dirt build up, because she doesn't care about it. That is a common outcome.

It might seem silly to split up over things like household chores, but honestly, they don't have kids yet. And this is the time to make a split, if it is going to happen. I agree that this can grow into a HUGE resentment if it is not resolved. 

I do think the OP needs to find a way to relax though. If his wife can't swallow the big prenatal pills, then find smaller ones, if she is agreeable. If he thinks he has issues with how his wife is eating now, just wait until they are trying to feed their toddler! You can have only certain foods available, but you can't control whether or not the child will eat it; what food is offered will likely be another big battle with his wife who is seemingly way more relaxed about food.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you considered hiring a housekeeper?

Your annoyance over household tasks can be bypassed that way. To pay for it you might have to give up the gym membership and just work out at home or run on free trails?

However you decide to go, refrain from having children until you sort it all out.

BTW, leave the nutrition talk to whomever is the OB/GYN if the time comes and you've gone ahead and started a family.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

It could be worse.

she works! brings money into the household! whoopee - I wish mine did. shall we trade?

I also do the cooking - my choice - when she cooks it's a nightmare - the fuss - the noise - the mess - help help! 

It is all relative. She may change when she has a child - child must not eat meat of course. get used to making carrot salad and nut burgers.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

MrRight said:


> She may change when she has a child


That is a huge, forever life-altering gamble. One that I would never recommend anyone to take.

Which also has a serious impact on the child they bring into this world.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

musicftw07 said:


> That is a huge, forever life-altering gamble. One that I would never recommend anyone to take.
> 
> Which also has a serious impact on the child they bring into this world.


True. How many people have stories about how marital problems _got better_ following the birth of a child? Far more common is that the added stress of child rearing only makes things worse, and then 3 suffer rather than just 2.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> My husband's company paid a lot of money for him to be professionally tested a few years back. Got him right on the money, too.
> 
> The point is that she is how she is and he is how he is and if they can learn to appreciate the differences, they can figure this thing out. It's kind of silly to divorce over housework.


I agree it is silly to divorce over housework but it happens all the time.I always try to eliminate problems rather than solve them temporarily,that's why I suggested a housekeeper.If there is no cleaning or cooking to be done then there is no cleaning or cooking problem.
When I was in school the entire class was tested,maybe not Briggs Mayer I can't remember.We were told once the test was over we could all go home.When it was over we were then told we had to stay late and do it again.The entire mood changed in the class and almost everyone gat a different result.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I agree it is silly to divorce over housework but it happens all the time.I always try to eliminate problems rather than solve them temporarily,that's why I suggested a housekeeper.If there is no cleaning or cooking to be done then there is no cleaning or cooking problem.
> When I was in school the entire class was tested,maybe not Briggs Mayer I can't remember.We were told once the test was over we could all go home.When it was over we were then told we had to stay late and do it again.The entire mood changed in the class and almost everyone gat a different result.


I am not convinced a housekeeper is the answer. His relaxing and her becoming a bit more proactive probably is.

I like solutions that do not cost extra money when possible. More sustainable, imo.

Dug is a P and I am a J. I really regret being as picky as I have been about some things. They did not even matter. My goodness, I sure made life a lot harder than it needed to be.

Dug, otoh, has been much more relaxed. He has surely enjoyed his life more than I have enjoyed mine.

Not sure if MBTI is done in schools. Might have been a different test.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you do not have children until you can get through to your wife that the status quo is not acceptable to you. Either she changes or you will divorce her. You certainly will not have children with her the way things are.

There are two books that could be very useful in talking about your need for things to change and to help impress on her that she has two choices, change and you will stay with her or don't change and you will leave her. 

In order for your marriage to change, you have to be willing to end it if no change occurs. She has to know that you are dead serious about this.

The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read the two books first yourself and do the work that they suggest. Then when you give her the ultimatum, tell her that she has to read the books with you and do the work.

Then, after the two of you work through the books, give it 6 months. If thinks are not better, where the home obligations are split roughly 50/50, then leave. If they are better, give it another 6 months. Only after a one year period of time would I trust enough to believe that any changes she made were permanent. Only then agree to having children.

And be careful because having children puts a lot of stress on the mother, I would not be surprised if she reverted back to this behavior once pregnant. Then you would have to repeat the ultimatum, working through the books, etc. But this time she will have a child to threaten you with.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MrRight said:


> get used to making carrot salad and nut burgers.




Is she vegan, OP, or just vegetarian?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> I am not convinced a housekeeper is the answer. His relaxing and her becoming a bit more proactive probably is.
> 
> I like solutions that do not cost extra money when possible. More sustainable, imo.
> 
> ...


It was a four letter result but I can't remember what mine was,I know the letters were INT and something else and I know the word logician was used in relation to me.I think if they had been reading my palm it would have been as accurate.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> It was a four letter result but I can't remember what mine was,I know the letters were INT and something else and I know the word logician was used in relation to me.I think if they had been reading my palm it would have been as accurate.


That does sound like MBTI.

Hmm, INTJ? That sounds like it could be you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hey, no worries.....i like you too.
> 
> If one wants to ride the train of head butting with me they just have to be prepared to take the gloves off. I can take what I dish out
> 
> I honestly don't get why I'm touching such a nerve here. I mean, just ask her for what he wants, let her do it her way, and if he makes himself more work that's on him.



Thant means he has to look the other way on many issues.

I think they are not compatible enough to continue this marriage. 

Why bother?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I agree it is silly to divorce over housework but it happens all the time.I always try to eliminate problems rather than solve them temporarily,that's why I suggested a housekeeper.If there is no cleaning or cooking to be done then there is no cleaning or cooking problem.


I agree with the suggestion to get a housekeeper. However, I'm not sure that is the total problem. If he was only complaining about housework I would agree and leave it there.

The OP also complained about foods that the wife was eating, and that the wife isn't going to the gym as he thinks she should, even though the wife is in good shape and in fact, above his league per his post. So that sounds like he has a need for things to be just exactly right, which is to say, HIS exactly right. AKA a need to control things. 

So maybe a housekeeper and a little bit of counseling are both in order. If he has a strong need now for things to be just so, it is going to be really hard for him to be a parent, regardless of whether the mom is his current wife or not.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

musicftw07 said:


> That is a huge, forever life-altering gamble. One that I would never recommend anyone to take.
> 
> Which also has a serious impact on the child they bring into this world.


As I know to my cost - it is best not to have children with anyone unless you are convinced you are dealing with a fully mature responsible person. The fact the OP is here complaining about his wife suggests to me he should not take that step.

Once a child is born - the entire focus of your life changes.

Beware! I mean it.

For the first year mine called the ambulance every time our child sneezed or showed a fever. Every window had to be kept closed to stop draughts, the house had to be cleaned 10 times a day. I had to wade through masses of baby related literature. This was 100% of our life for a long long time.

You just dont know what is going to happen to your wife after the birth - what is now intolerable to you may be like paradise by comparison. Oh and it will cost you zillions of dollars! 

Are you sure you want a child? I wouldn't be without my son - but I strongly advise you to use birth control.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> That does sound like MBTI.
> 
> Hmm, INTJ? That sounds like it could be you.


I just did it on line and it came up as INTP.Still not convinced though.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

MrRight said:


> I strongly advise you to use birth control.


I would take it a step further. Don't depend on anyone else to protect your reproductive rights. Put some sperm in a sperm bank and get a vasectomy.

And don't have sex with your wife anymore until you get this sorted out.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I note the Original Poster has not posted again.

I cannot help but wonder exactly how much of the "we plan on trying for a kid" is the wife's idea.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Thant means he has to look the other way on many issues.
> 
> I think they are not compatible enough to continue this marriage.
> 
> Why bother?


Maybe, but why not clearly ask for what he wants?

At least then he'll know what she's willing to do.

Women don't read minds any better than men. 

Marriage, as we both know, is all about compromise...
.maybe he'll get some if he asks.

But he'll have to give it too. Being upset because she won't folloe his preferred diet seems like a silly thing to divorce over.

If he can't get her to lift a finger to share household chores though that may be reason to move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you cook dinner and cannot cook the things you like because she does not like them. Apparently she does not even care if you cook. So why exactly are you knocking yourself out cooking what she wants?

Cook what you like. If you cook some kind of meat, veggies and healthy carb, she can pick what she likes out of it. If she wants to add a veggi burder, or beans, surely she can cook that.

When it comes to her not eating leftovers, oh well. Let her fix her own food and you eat the left overs. 

Or toss all your left overs into a zip lock bag and freeze them. Every week or so just chop it all up, put it in broth and you have soup.

You are insisting on things being your way and freaking out because she has her own ideas about how things are.

Part of this is you making problems because you want it all your way. If you read the books I suggested you are both going to have to listen to each other and compromise. Marriage is built on compromise.


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