# Seperated but 'friends' yet still financial arguments..



## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

Hi,

A bit selfish coming on here and spurting out problems in my first post. I will make up for it in due course and appreciate any help you can give me.

Three weeks ago my wife decided we wasn't happy and should separate. It's a done decision, there's no going back.

We live in a 3bed (mortgaged between us) and two girls 7 and 12. Both are hers, one is mine and the eldest is my stepdaughter (although I consider her my own).

The financial setup is the usual. I'm the main bread winner, she earns some part time and does a lot of housework etc.

Now down the line (in a few months) I am quite happy to move out and let the kids and wife remain. We will continue to improve the house and sell it at a time when we feel we have made a bit of money on it.

Until then I really want to get a grip of my own finances because of the extra household i'll be paying for etc. Therefore my approach to finances since our split has been nothing more than 'business like'. Trying to understand who should be paying what etc etc.

But this has led to arguments between me and partner because she sees it as heartless, money oriented and selfish and is quite upset about it.

The last thing I want to do is fall out with my wife. We're good friends. And I do not want her or the kids to go without once im gone.

Yet I see no problem with wanting to know where I stand financially. I used the word 'business-like' to describe how we should treat our finances and she was horrified by the word.

For example, is dropping her from our joint current account where only my wages get paid, so she doesn't take money out willy nilly (which she has been since split) heartless? 


Am I being harsh? Or am I being sensible? Should all separations organise finance as quickly as possible? Do other men here experience the same anxieties around moving out of a family home, living somewhere else and financing both ?

Is my wife not accepting the fact that she will have less money as part of the split? She has had longer to think about a separation (being the one who initiated it). I also have strong suspicions that she is already seeing someone else while categorically telling me she isn't. Not that it's really my business (or is it?) it's just the lying that deteriorates the trust I have in her.

The one thing i didn't want to come between us (money) is actually coming between us. 


Thanks for listening. 

Nick


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

She sounds like an awesome friend. I like the ones who spend my money willy nilly and cheat on me too. 

You are enabling her entitlement and hostile dependency. 

You know whats heartless? Dumping someone while not allowing them to move on.

Make her an appt with reality. If I was you I would make an appt with a couple lawyers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

Thanks for the response.

Maybe i'm painting her in a bad light? She took out £300 to pay for shopping \ kids clothes (new term) etc. It was an arrangement when we were together. And she is using all her wages to spend on our family holiday in four weeks - which we are still going to see through and have fun. So she is not money grabbing per se.

When I get to move out then she said I pay half the mortgage, child maintenance and that's it. Sounds reasonable to me.

I just don't see what's wrong with sorting out finances now. Instead of the 'what's yours is mine and mine is yours' married attitude.


And - i cannot think of anything worse than falling out over this and having to go through all the courts and hate each other for life.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

_The one thing i didn't want to come between us (money) is actually coming between us._ - That is what is called divorce. 

Sounds to me that you are very nice man but getting walked over. If your wife is seeing someone, it is your business. I am under the firm belief - Until the judge bangs the gavel proclaiming you are no longer man and wife, you should not date someone. 

Of course my STBXH did not have this same belief and had a few affairs and feels nothing is wrong with going around town with his tramp but claims he does not want a divorce and he just wants me to be nice to him.... WTF?? 

You may decide during the family holiday to reconcile and talk thtings out. Best of luck to you!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Three weeks ago my wife decided we wasn't happy and should separate. It's a done decision, there's no going back.


Keep reading what you just typed and stop fearing your wife. You are full of fear. Your wife knows this and is taking advantage of it.

If I were you, I would face her wrath with open arms in order to face my biggest fear and move past it. Don't be afraid of making your dishonest betraying wife angry. Her resentments do not get to dictate your way of life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My approach (I initiated my separation) was to leave the joint account joint, but I created a separate personal account that she didn't have access to. And my income goes into that. The joint account give me an easy place to throw her support money into, and things like the mortgage come out of there. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and yes. As part of the separation process, you should demand your testicles back. She's going to walk all over you if you let her, by the sounds of things. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

lol.

Thanks for the response I appreciate it.

Well, I did another 'bad' and read her text messages again. Confirmed pretty much that she pretended to go and work a night shift and basically spent the night with someone else. Among other stuff, I learnt a lot about how she really thinks about me.

Gutted and feel ****ty.


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## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

lol.

Thanks for the response I appreciate it.

Well, I did another 'bad' and read her text messages again. Confirmed pretty much that she pretended to go and work a night shift and basically spent the night with someone else. Among other stuff, I learnt a lot about how she really thinks about me.

Gutted and feel ****ty.


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## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

Is it possible to hate someone and still love them and feel sorry for them?

I can't help but feel sorry for her. We go on a family holiday in a few weeks. She wont be coming. How dreadful to watch your family dissapear to have fun and stay behind.


I know its wrong to feel like this its these feelings that make you want to forgive and confess undying love and try and make it all ok.

I think I will always feel like this toward her.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

GreenShed,

I'm very familiar with what you're feeling and am sorry that you are going through this. Don't feel like a stranger. Don't think your situation is unique. It's not. Many of us have endured similar or worse emotional roller-coasters as a result of a spouse's unfathomable selfishness. Depending on how much of an 'adult' you want to be, there's going to be a short, medium or long period of absolute sh1ttiness coming your way. Don't avoid it. Live it and get past it.

The following list will help you arm yourself with an essential tool in dealing with the anxiety, sadness and unpredictability of separating from a selfish wife: *INDIVIDUALITY*. Without it, you're doomed. With it, you can survive anything.

Follow the commandments and don't regress. Every item is there for a reason. If you can't implement one or two of them, list them here and explain why. We will debate it until one of us is convinced.

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

I look forward to going through that list and I will, religiously. Thankyou.


My main thoughts are, having to swallow my pride and live in a cheap ****ty dump. The family stays in the family home.

Thoughts of the remaining family carrying on regardless in their family home while I'm cooking corned beef hash in my dump. Lol

The kids seeing me in a ****ty dump!

Must swallow my pride and not let imagination run wild.

Thanks again. I will reciprocate this support when I'm in a better place


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your pride should get disconnected from your location and condition of living. There's a more important aspect of your personality at risk here. You guessed it: Individuality.

What you're having difficulty with is called 'codependency'. Do a search on the word and understand where the mindf*** stems from. 

The truth is, the family will not be able to carry on living as before. Things will change. There's bound to be an equilibrium for all of you. Time will ensure it happens.

As for your wife's opinion on you (based on what you read in her messages), don't try to understand it. Don't try to own it. Don't feel obligated to agree or disagree with her perception of you. It's useless and very insignificant in the long run.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are still married and in the same home. Divorce has not been filed. You are supporting her. Of course it’s your business if she is seeing someone. If I were you I’d investigate and find out who this guy is. Is he a married man? This could be an affair that started before she asked for the separation. It could be the reason for the separation.

You are not being harsh. Yes, if she asked for a separation then you should organize your finances as quickly as possible.

Have your pay go to an account in your name only. 

See a lawyer about how much support you will be required to give her during the divorce process and after divorce. Do not give her anything more than is required. What can happen is that if you do more than is required, she can argue to the court that you set a status quo and she deserves that.

She is not facing the reality. The reality is that she has to get a real job to support herself. Now is the time for her to do it, not after the divorce. You should have 50/50 custody with your child. So primary care giver is another thing that your wife will lose.
From the sounds of it, unless you are willing to support her the way you did during your marriage, for the rest of her life, money will come between you. I doubt that you can support her in this manner since you will have to support yourself, take care of your child half the time, and have a life… she needs to make adjustments to her expectations.

How long have the of you been married?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Emotions will be all over the place in the short run, don't put must trust in them as they will change more than the weather. You are actually correct that you must be business like. I don't know about your friends, but mine do not act the way she acts. She is your daughters mother and deserves respect for that fact, but otherwise you need to look at it as business.

Firstly separate finances, you need to control your money before you get fleeced. Don't bother telling me she wouldn't ever.....I have seen it done too many times. Consult with an attorney, the law usually has a formula for what you should pay, that is what you should pay. Also the house is an object, a home is where your family lives. Your future family is you and your daughter .... period. 

Secondly, your daughter needs to be your major concern. While you don't have a financial commitment for your step-daughter, I encourage you to treat her with the same love and respect that you always have in the past. As long as your STBXW allows you to have the girls together, do so. I encourage you to start doing things with just the girls as a transition starting now. 

Thirdly, only engage wife as necessary, you are no longer an emotional crutch. You need to consider exercise, it will help with stress and make a healthier you. Look to spend time doing hobbies you enjoy or look to start one. Something that you and the girls can do together is a nice bonus.


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## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

My eldest (step) suggested I love into her small room and she sleeps with her sister for a while. I was a great idea and she really wanted to help which was nice.

So now I have a little private den for the short term while I find something else, instead of wandering around the house like a lost dog. 

I have also been going through your list Synthetic which is extremely useful and a source of truth which i can latch onto - and is already taking affect on my feelings. 

In short i'm having a calm evening 

@Elegirl we have been married for about five years and together all in all for about nine. I have known her daughter since birth and we are really close. Neither of us would consider not seeing the other, and nor would the mother 

The other guy ? Not a personal friend but I know him. Her brother's best mate. They've fancied each other since they were kids as far as i know. I havent been able to fulfill her sexually for months and months (ive since learnt certain resentments have got in the way of my attraction for her). So you could say she was really thirsty for some water.

Not that i'm trying to make excuses. I have let go of the anger for now (and i need to persuade my sister to do the same). I've already made peace with it, if only to continue a mutual, functional parenting relationship with her.

Emotionally, today has been like a box of hot frogs. The kids have now been told, we cried, we laughed, and i've made inner peace with the wife.

Now I am sitting in my den, trying to find my individuality


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you could turn this around and rebuild a strong marriage with her, would you want to do it?


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## GreenShed (Aug 4, 2013)

For myself, no I wouldn't.


To make people feel better (my kids, my mum and dad etc) I feel like I would want to. But that's just the easy way out.


We are not in love with each other.


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