# I am the one moving out (first post here)



## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

This is my first post here, and I don't know how it will be received since I am the one moving out from my husband, but I am at a point where I cannot function under the same roof as him anymore, even though choosing to leave is incredibly painful for both of us.

I am hoping to connect with others who are or have been in a similar situation. I have been married almost 20 years and our relationship has been incredibly dysfunctional the entire time. I feel that both of us have contributed to the problems, and he feels that anything he has done wrong is because I haven't been able to meet his needs.

I am in counseling for myself but am only willing to go to counseling with him if he starts individual therapy on his own first. He does not see the point of doing this, although he continues to blame me for not just staying and living as we have been.

I don't have a specific question right now; I am really just trying to see if this is a good place to try to work through some of the stuff I am dealing with. Thank you.


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## hopevillage (Feb 23, 2012)

Aspiegirl, our stories are so similar it is scary. I was married for 7 years to a verbally, mentally,emotionally and physically abusive man. He had a different affair for each of those years and i kept taking him back because he said he would change. I had 2 small girls and wanted to keep the family together. Each time he blamed me and said if i was a bette wife,this would not happen. The one time he agreed to counselling he only went once and said no one can tell him what is happening inside our marriage. Well, he started the most recent affair in march 2011 and i found out and told him to end it and he said he did. To my horror this was not true and it got so bad that he begant to spend 4-5 nights per week at the new girlfriend's house! When i could not take it anymore i finally moved out in dec 2011. I know i did the right thing but he left me broken, discarded and really depressed. How could he have done this and feel no remorse. He has moved right in with the girlfriend. I am really struggling and it is reassuring that i am not alone out there. I hope we can help each other through our very similar stories.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

I am also in a similar situation. I have been married 16 years and have two boys 9 and 11 and just moved out 2 weeks ago. I have been unhappy for a long time and it took me a year of me really thinking hard about the root of my unhappiness, and it was with our relationship, or lack of one. We had grown so far apart and were fighting all the time. To the point where the boys were begging us to stop fighting. We had been to counseling a few years ago, and obviously that didnt fix things. I said that this time the only way for me to go back to counseling and work on things was to move out and get space from him. I dont know how it will end up. It is a little scary. We have been on one "date" and have had family time on several occassions. We have also been to counseling twice together. He has also sought IC, which he says is helpful. It is so hard because he keeps telling me how much he loves me, and im his whole world. It is a lot of pressure!!! They boys are doing well, they are actually staying over with me tonight. My apartment is actually very close to our house. I wish you, and all of "us" luck with our situations.


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## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

hopevillage, thank you for your reply. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been afraid that if I don't take a stand now, his behavior could eventually get worse and worse. So far, he has been verbally abusive a few times and has pushed me once. He has also yelled at me and called me names in front of our son, and that is where I finally drew the line.

So what are you doing now? Are you in counseling? Have you gone to an attorney? I'm curious as to what advice you have gotten regarding yourself and your girls.


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## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

MeetVirginia,

I feel the same way about needing the space. At least then my own counseling can be more helpful, and then he can decide if he's going to seek counseling himself. I don't want to go together until he acknowledges that he has some part in this breakdown. It's great to hear that you have had some positive signs since you moved out, especially with him going to therapy and talking to you about it. I am thinking that once I move out, I will really see my husband's intentions by him either getting help or not. I just can't stay in limbo anymore; it's destroying me.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope things work out for you guys!


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

I am a man whose GF of 6 years recently left me, for every variation of the "I'm not happy anymore" line. She had just started going to individual counseling when she left me. I had agreed to go to couples counseling. My question is, for you ladies in counseling, does your counselor tend to automatically lean towards leaving the relationship and pursuing what makes you happy? Or does he/she really evaluate the situation and could just as easily tell you, hey your relationship problems are fixable so you should not leave, stay and work it out?


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## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

talkitout said:


> does your counselor tend to automatically lean towards leaving the relationship and pursuing what makes you happy? Or does he/she really evaluate the situation and could just as easily tell you, hey your relationship problems are fixable so you should not leave, stay and work it out?


I have gotten different responses. Originally, I was caught between my first therapist, who would have had me leave him much sooner than this, and our church, which is strongly against leaving in almost every case. Since then, I have started seeing a counselor who is willing to help me examine what I really think and feel and come to my own conclusions about things. Ironically, the first therapist was a man and now I am seeing a woman psychologist.

Just to give some more background on my situation:
Six months ago, I had told my husband that in order to stay together, I needed him to start IC and to commit to not yelling at me and calling me names and then we could go to couples counseling. He says he doesn't see how IC would help him and that he can't promise not to lose his temper again but doesn't foresee being under the amount of stress that caused it before. He also says that his problems are all from dealing with me for so many years. 

None of that makes me feel like there is any desire to put forth effort, and moving out is a combination last ditch effort to see if he will take responsibility and also to remove myself from an unhealthy situation. I am still willing to go to counseling if he fulfills those two requests.

I also have made it clear that I know I have contributed to our problems and that I know I have caused him pain. I am not trying to minimize my part in this, but I am also not willing to talk about it anymore without him getting outside help.

I don't know if you have been to a counselor yourself, but it might be good to get a professional perspective for yourself to decide whether to pursue the relationship or not.

I know my answer got kind of long, but I hope that answers your question!


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

aspiegirl said:


> I have gotten different responses. Originally, I was caught between my first therapist, who would have had me leave him much sooner than this, and our church, which is strongly against leaving in almost every case. Since then, I have started seeing a counselor who is willing to help me examine what I really think and feel and come to my own conclusions about things. Ironically, the first therapist was a man and now I am seeing a woman psychologist.
> 
> Just to give some more background on my situation:
> Six months ago, I had told my husband that in order to stay together, I needed him to start IC and to commit to not yelling at me and calling me names and then we could go to couples counseling. He says he doesn't see how IC would help him and that he can't promise not to lose his temper again but doesn't foresee being under the amount of stress that caused it before. He also says that his problems are all from dealing with me for so many years.
> ...


Aspie,

You pretty much described me. I have a very stressful profession. I can be moody at times, snap and bark a little, and yes have called and been called names in the past. When she started individual counseling she asked me to do it to and I balked at the idea but did agree to go to couples counseling. She ended up leaving me the next day.

I see that you are still willing to work on your relationship if your husband meets some of your requests. In my case, she has ended the relationship completely and closed the door on any reconciliation. I have started individual counseling, mostly for myself, and not to win her over or impress her. When we had our final meeting, I told her I was in counseling and she said she was happy I was doing that for myself but she doesnt ask or expect me to do anything for her, we're done. 

I'd like to think in time her thinking will clear up and her heart will soften. That in time she'll reflect on the 6 years we've had together and not throw them away, but instead use this time to make ourselves better and have a better relationship with a new start some day.

But part of me also knows she may very well not care what I do for myself and how I change for the better, and that reconciliation is impossible.

What do you think? If you ended a relationship with your man, and later found out he was really making a huge effort to improve himself and address issues that have been long-standing, would you consider reconciling a relationship that needed repair or jump into a new relationship one day that could bring new problems that could take years to surface?


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## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

talkitout said:


> What do you think? If you ended a relationship with your man, and later found out he was really making a huge effort to improve himself and address issues that have been long-standing, would you consider reconciling a relationship that needed repair or jump into a new relationship one day that could bring new problems that could take years to surface?


I think it would make a big difference to me, especially if he was showing that he truly wanted to understand our relationship and do his part to make it different. To be totally honest, he would have to prove himself not only to me and the therapist, but also to my best friend and her husband, and there would have to be some accountability afterward so things didn't slide back into a negative situation.

You might want to give it a couple of months and then ask if she would like to hear about what you have been learning in therapy. If she is open to that, you could then share your feelings about her and the relationship and ask if she is willing to go to counseling with you. At least if you have laid it out there one more time, you will know more than wondering about it forever.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

talkitout said:


> I am a man whose GF of 6 years recently left me, for every variation of the "I'm not happy anymore" line. She had just started going to individual counseling when she left me. I had agreed to go to couples counseling. My question is, for you ladies in counseling, does your counselor tend to automatically lean towards leaving the relationship and pursuing what makes you happy? Or does he/she really evaluate the situation and could just as easily tell you, hey your relationship problems are fixable so you should not leave, stay and work it out?


I went to a therapist before when my job and home life made me very depressed. I really look back and think it was the JOB more than the family BUT my therapist kept saying it was maybe more personal than that and maybe I need to look at my marriage. My H refused to go w/ me so we could talk (to help me) to my IC. It really felt like she blamed him for my unhappiness and he remembers that year being horrible for us (I found out this week my kids thought I was seeing a lawyer instead of a therapist).

This time around I found someone who specialized in IC and MC, hoping to get H to MC. Now I am just in IC w/ her but she knows I want it to work. She is working on my happiness w/ or w/o him. She has been wrong many times in like predicting he wouldn't leave, trying to get him to be intimate etc all were bad ideas...but she has never met him and is only going by my faith in my H and our history. She does tell me not to look for (to avoid) an EA/PA while we are separated because it would cloud it all too much. I will continue to see her for now and found a lady I like for MC if/when H is ready. 

In a million years I NEVER would have thought I'd be here.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

TalkItOut....
Our therapist does not lean either way, she is actually very good at being neutral and is helping us negotiate conversations and listen to each other. The therapist we saw a few years ago was a man, and I really felt like he was "on my husbands side" (not about moving out just in general) and I didnt like that, so I think it depends on the therapist. Give it a chance!


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