# Considering separation.



## Secretmess (May 17, 2018)

Hi! Hoping I can get some advice. Married for 8 years with 1 child... just to give some background. I’ve been so unhappy and miserable for coming up on 9ish months. I’ve been soul searching and soul searching and as much as I wish it wasn’t, I know it’s my marriage. I feel we’ve grown apart and don’t know where to turn. He is passively controlling by making me feel guilty about decisions I make, which I have allowed to happen but I’ve grown now and no longer want this. I want to see the world and do things without being talked out of it or guilted. I realize I have my own issues to feel this way, but I am finding this so stressful. I am not living a fulfilling life the way I want and can’t seem to figure out how we will make it work. I’ve in a round about way told him this, but need tot all him I’ve been thinking of leaving for months, just unsure still if this can even be salvaged. It’s complete different values and outlook and growth.... I dunno. What advice do you all have on this? TIA


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Oh boy.......This is so prevalent here. I suppose you are going to have to bite the bullet and have a face to face with him. Not going to be easy or fun but you have to start somewhere.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Secretmess said:


> Hi! Hoping I can get some advice. Married for 8 years with 1 child... just to give some background. I’ve been so unhappy and miserable for coming up on 9ish months. I’ve been soul searching and soul searching and as much as I wish it wasn’t, I know it’s my marriage. I feel we’ve grown apart and don’t know where to turn. He is passively controlling by making me feel guilty about decisions I make, which I have allowed to happen but I’ve grown now and no longer want this._ I want to see the world and do things without being talked out of it or guilted._ I realize I have my own issues to feel this way, but I am finding this so stressful. I am not living a fulfilling life the way I want and can’t seem to figure out how we will make it work. I’ve in a round about way told him this, but need tot all him I’ve been thinking of leaving for months, just unsure still if this can even be salvaged. It’s complete different values and outlook and growth.... I dunno. What advice do you all have on this? TIA


How old is your child? Exactly what part of the 'world' do you want to see? Honestly, with him or without?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

How old are the two of you?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why not go to marriage counseling? Considering divorce without even speaking to your spouse about your concerns isn't a very healthy way to live.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

What do you think you are going to find after leaving him? You have a kid, you aren't going to be gallavanting across the world...


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## Secretmess (May 17, 2018)

Thank you all. More info - im 30 & he is 39 & child is 4. Its not about a need to gallivant. Its more that ive grown in my career and even hobbies and he seems resentful, its more of an issue that im basically living like a roomate that does everything. We dont travel which is important to me as he comes with reasons why we shouldnt, and we dont do anything together. The intamacy has has vanished. We just work to live and hes content with that......im not.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You can still venture out and do things while married.. Unless of course, he is guilting you not to do this then this is not good. Just try and do what you want without him. My spouse is like a roommate and doesn't like to 'enjoy life'-- he works to live. I understand that but I need more and I don't want my kids to be like that (which they aren't). I do travel and do many things with family and friends. It's ashame that I can't do them with the spouse but again, he doesn't care to do anything fun. He will balk about certain things but in the end I want to experience new restaurants, theatre, day trips, etc... So I just go.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Secretmess said:


> Thank you all. More info - im 30 & he is 39 & child is 4. Its not about a need to gallivant. Its more that ive grown in my career and even hobbies and he seems resentful, its more of an issue that im basically living like a roomate that does everything. We dont travel which is important to me as he comes with reasons why we shouldnt, and we dont do anything together. The intamacy has has vanished. We just work to live and hes content with that......im not.


This can be fixed. What you are asking for is not unreasonable. Before asking for a divorce tell him you want to do marriage counseling and explain why it. Just like you outlined here. Direct and to the point. If he refuses to go to marriage counseling then put divorce on the table. That should wake him up to how unhappy you are.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You need to have some very serious conversations where you spell out what you want/need. Your marriage vows , husband and child deserve this effort. If you walk away without ever giving him a full chance to fix it, that would be really crappy IMO...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Secretmess said:


> Hi! Hoping I can get some advice. Married for 8 years with 1 child... just to give some background. I’ve been so unhappy and miserable for coming up on 9ish months. I’ve been soul searching and soul searching and as much as I wish it wasn’t, I know it’s my marriage. I feel we’ve grown apart and don’t know where to turn. He is passively controlling by making me feel guilty about decisions I make, which I have allowed to happen but I’ve grown now and no longer want this. I want to see the world and do things without being talked out of it or guilted. I realize I have my own issues to feel this way, but I am finding this so stressful. I am not living a fulfilling life the way I want and can’t seem to figure out how we will make it work. I’ve in a round about way told him this, but need tot all him I’ve been thinking of leaving for months, just unsure still if this can even be salvaged. It’s complete different values and outlook and growth.... I dunno. What advice do you all have on this? TIA


Saddens me to see these posts because I see the hope of what can be salvaged but I also see the writing that may be on the wall so I am going to give it to you straight.

He has most likely done a lot of things to piss you off and cause the resentment BUT when a woman starts talking like this, it means deep down inside you have sort of made your mind up and it will be tough to turn it around, possible with effort but tough. When people get to this stage, they say they want their partner to change but what happens is they subconsciously start setting their partner up to fail to say "See what i mean, see" "This is why it won't work, this is what I have to deal with"

If you want this to work and you are honest with yourself, which I hope you do want it to work. Working on a loving marriage with a family is hard work, every day. Divorce is much harder even when at the time it seems like a relief. What I'm saying, is give him a clear and good chance, give him plenty of time to show what the marriage means to him after you are clear and precise about what your feelings are and what you want.

Again, it hurts to see the frame of mind you are in right now because many of us have seen this and know how hard it is to change that mindset. Cliche but would recommend counseling. It's proven that with work, the flame be rebuilt, you guys can come to compromises and work together towards happiness again. Sounds like he has resentment as well. Cheating is a reason for divorce, physical, emotional or substance abuse is a reason for divorce. Not addressing each other's needs is a reason to get to work and try to fix the marriage but if one person is not willing to do that after all options are exhausted, then it will turn into a reason for divorce as well.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Secretmess said:


> Thank you all. More info - im 30 & he is 39 & child is 4. Its not about a need to gallivant. Its more that ive grown in my career and even hobbies and he seems resentful, its more of an issue that im basically living like a roomate that does everything. We dont travel which is important to me as he comes with reasons why we shouldnt, and we dont do anything together. The intamacy has has vanished. We just work to live and hes content with that......im not.


I'm afraid I can't offer any advice because I feel I could have written this exact post (even the same ages!). And I'm still trying to decide what to do. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this! I'll be following your story and hoping it's a happy one for you.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@Secretmess & @KM87, you both got married quite young, and you both married someone who was quite a bit older than you. A 9 or 10 year difference is big when one of the spouses is only 20 or 21. 

The majority of people start to trust themselves more as they approach 30; they stop looking as much for direction from others and instead start to want to be the captain of their own ship. People start to build their own career and their interests and personalities start to solidify. The late-20s/early-30s is the last young person "growth spurt". We still grow, of course, with effort, but we tend to try to deepen our roots from mid-30s/early 40s on, broadly speaking. 

In other words, what you're going through now is normal, it's just that you're doing it within the realm of marriage. My recommendation to you is, continue to focus on your personal growth within your marriage, at least for the time being. 

I hope you will agree that item #1 on the personal growth To Do list (as it is for most people, myself included!) is to improve upon your communication. This is the cornerstone of any good relationship, personal, working, or otherwise. 

I think it is important to let your spouse know that you are unhappy, that you need more companionship and intimacy. It's time to get the cards on the table. I will recommend the book "His Needs, Her Needs" as a good starting place to jump-start your marriage. They have an "Emotional Needs" questionnaire that you can complete with your H. It's a great way to start the conversation so that both spouses' needs are addressed. 

You might as well start here, see how your H reacts, see if he is willing to make some changes. If you don't communicate with your H and instead just leave, you will have to learn it later with another partner. No one on this Earth will just magically be able to read your mind. The problem will not go away. So address it here. Do it now, to try to keep your family together for your child. 

I wish you luck and I hope you both keep posting!


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## Secretmess (May 17, 2018)

@RoseAglow thank you for the advice. You so perfectly describe how I feel. I’m going to try that book as I have seen it mentioned on here many times. I will keep everyone updated, once I have the talk. I’m processing a career change at the moment trying to take it one step at a time over here. My last counselor appointment ended with “you need to tell him”. I will do it and let you all know how it goes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

“You need to tell him”......

You’ve been planning a divorce secretly, without giving your husband any real/straightforward warning for months. 

Whatever his shortcomings are, they pale in comparison to your failure to communicate, your failure to focus on the “love” you once had for your husband...

I don’t know all the story. But based on what you posted, I believe you are in the wrong.
One shouldn’t plan a divorce without laying out the reasons and giving the opportunity to fix the problems that should have been laid out in stone before you mentally divorced him from your heart.

For what’s its worth, I think you should divorce him on paper, you e already done it in your mind. You don’t love him anymore. The love won’t return once it’s gone.


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## Secretmess (May 17, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> “You need to tell him”......
> 
> You’ve been planning a divorce secretly, without giving your husband any real/straightforward warning for months.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the “advice”? I agree I have a problem communicating. I will talk to him. I just wanted to know if others have gone through this feeling and I see I’m not alone. Agreed I’m no prize - I can’t communicate well - I’ve been happy for 10 years bottling up this ****, I just don’t want to anymore so it’s hard. Just wanted advice before speaking to him. Thanks for your input.


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