# Mixed signals from my separated wife



## ksiretsus (Apr 29, 2013)

So my wife left me back on February 20th ish, she said she was done and was not going to take this treatment from me anymore. We had kind of a weird argument the night before, and have been bickering a lot lately with each other for the past 6-8 months, but this news completely floored me. I knew we had issues, but figured we would be able to work on them when we moved out of my parents house (we had been living there for a while to save money for a house after giving up our condo). And more surprising because we had just leased a new apartment together 2 days earlier. After about 2hrs of talking I managed to get her to agree to come with me to counseling, but she insisted that we live apart while attending sessions, which I agreed to. We attended counseling once a week for a month and were seeing a lot of improvement in our relationship, including many dates, me staying in the apt overnight a few times, and sex.

After the fourth visit, my work schedule rotated so that it was not feasible for us to attend sessions for a few weeks, which wasn't a problem because we were talking a lot and had gained much of our friendship back, although she was still unsure of the relationship because she said she was scared that she would be putting herself back into the same situation (never any abuse, more a sort of neglect, me not realizing her needs weren't being met, and not realizing I was saying things which she took to be mean and that meant I didn't want to be with her). About a week into April, my wife gave me a key to the apt because I would be home from work extremely late that night and she wanted me to be able to let myself in. The next day, I tried giving her the key back because the understanding was that it was for that one night. She refused the key saying "how are you going to let yourself in from now on?" So at this point, I basically moved back in with her. She said everything was going great and that she was happy that I had not let her go easily the night she left me.

The next few weeks were great, no arguments, lots of fun, conversation, and more sex with her initiating almost all encounters. We even made a re-commitment to each other complete with a new ring and a new appreciation for each other.Then she went out with her drinking friend, who I had complained about in the past because she would go out for a Friday ladies night, which eventually would usually end up being a ladies weekend with her coming back Sunday afternoon. I used to have it out with her over this because she would do it almost every weekend, and it was my worst hot button issue, but she actually stopped for a while when we were reconciling. So back to the other weekend, she ended up coming home on Sunday again, and I told her how I felt about it, but in a very reasonable, adult way, saying that it wasn't really appropriate for a 30 y/o married woman to disappear like that, especially since we were talking about kids.

Two days later she tells me that the relationship isn't working and that she realized that we are better for each other as friends. She then asked for me to leave for a couple days, and I complied. She sent me text messages constantly for the next two days, and we agreed to go out for dinner on Friday night. We had a great time, although she wanted me to go back to my parents house because it was over between us. After talking, she agreed to let me stay at the apt for the time being because my stuff is there and I didn't want to move back to my parents house. I told her that I would sleep on the couch (it's a 1br apt) and she said "no that's not necessary, you can sleep in the bed with me" but her demeanor toward me was businesslike again just as after the initial split, although she still let me cuddle with her in bed. The next morning she started brainstorming in bed about places that I could live, with friends, or co workers, my parents. The she asks "would it be weird if you get an apt here in this complex?" That night we had plans to go out with friends to watch some mma fights at a sports bar (we do martial arts together as a hobby) and while running errands with her that day she blurts out "I'll wear my wedding rings when we go out tonight" (our friends in that group are unaware of our issues). And so she wears the rings that night... and for the next three days. She took them off this past Tuesday, yet still wears the new right hand ring I got her for a re-commitment gift. 

Wednesday we talked again because I told her I was not going to sign the paper taking me off the lease until we agreed about how best for us to proceed from here, but she was still adamant that the relationship is over. I suggested that since we have to go thru a year separation before we can divorce, that we may as well try one last time, go back to counseling, and see what happens, even if it was just for my benefit to see that the relationship really is over. I said if she agrees to this and gives it a go while we are separated, that I would make it easy for her by maintaining our initial separation date of February 23rd, and that I would not contest a divorce if it came to that in the future. She agreed to go, because as she said "you are having trouble letting go" and telling me she'd participate in counseling but that she "can't guarantee that she'll be able to try anymore because counseling wasn't changing the way I felt the first time around, I was just faking happy when you moved back in to see if that would work to make me feel better". For the rest of the night though, her demeanor toward me changed back to being more warm. She started thinking ground rules for this new try, we talked like normal again, made jokes about what was on tv, and as she was getting ready for bed, she started mentioning things that I do around the apt that she wanted done differently. In bed she said she was not in a cuddling mood, then less than a minute later she says "well I guess it's ok, as long as I'm not sending you the wrong message". We spent the first 10 minutes after the lights went out talking about this erotica book of hers that I was reading at her request, and also about our sex life in the past.

So today, I am back at my parents house for a few days in order to give her some space. Feeling better, but just a tad confused with what is happening here. Our therapist said that what she's saying is not matching up with what she is doing, and I definitely agree. Anyone care to comment? I'm all ears, and thanks in advance for reading this novel of mine.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Her friend is pushing for her to become her new single friend, prob even trying to set up dates. Sounds like wife is disconnecting.

Hate to say theres prob an EA going on in the background, she's been tempted to take it to the next step, Firmly has you for her plan B, just in case. You didn't set boundries, and now its too late to insert them. Time for you to go dark!!!! She isn't stopping the EA anytime soon, and you prob don't think she's having one, but she is. I'm sorry your here, and its only gonna get worse before theres a chance it can get better. Good luck


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## ksiretsus (Apr 29, 2013)

Thanks for the reply Thumper.

I knew she was having an EA, and it's not even in the background. It's her drinking friend (I'll call her Jackie) I even told her that the way she was texting Jackie, made it look like they were a couple.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well as much as the friend is a problem, the problem is that your wife is allowing it. I know theres several strats you can get into to ATTEMPT go get her back, all with small percentage chances of working. But first you have to ask yourself it that's what you want, ususally this early on, its almost always a yes, worth trying!!!

So you can do the 180, minimal contact stuff. There is some progress, its seems more time consuming for the amount of work you put in thou. The going DARK, just disappear for a few weeks/month, no answering calls unless u know its NOT her. But its not always easy to pull off. Then theres the MC sessions, which is a crap shoot all by itself, but if BOTH people aren't in it to attempt to make it work, why spend that much money and time??? Why pour your heart out, if you just give her more ammunition to aim back at you. I personally like the total DARK OUT, times she knows your gonna be home, and try to stop by, be at the gym, go to the library, take a drive, just be gone along with your car. She'll wonder way way faster whats going on. Remember TAM is a great place to come for all kinds of advice, tips. or just a place to come vent after a bad day.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, those are definitely mixed signals.

Whatever she has going on with her friend, Jackie, is beyond your control. You need to detach from her and focus on yourself and getting your life back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ksiretsus said:


> Thanks for the reply Thumper.
> 
> I knew she was having an EA, and it's not even in the background. It's her drinking friend (I'll call her Jackie) I even told her that the way she was texting Jackie, made it look like they were a couple.


They are a couple, and you just can't stomach the fact that "Jackie" is really "Jack" and you have been replaced.

Some times you just have to let them go so they can really see what they are about to lose.

I strongly suggest you smile , wish your old lady the best and let her go. it will be interesting to see how she handles the reality of you moving on...not as friends but as a man that will no longer get strong along and has the confidence...yes the confidence to find a women that *wants* to be with you!

Its funny how they react once the shoe is on the other foot and not only can you be replaced, but so can she!!!!!!!!


Stop sharing your wife and "just let her go" you will be surprised on the results.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It was 3 years ago, that I was going through the same crap, its painful, but once they get the perception that you are not looking for a friend , but someone that actually wants to be with you and all that this involves, they just might get a clue!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Trust me, your old lady won't like the new you, cuz now that she can no longer have her cake and eat it to and actually has to make a choice in keeping you around or not, she will be pissed.

But sir, this is the only way in getting her to think twice about her choices...the only way in getting her to second guess her disicions.


Until you can shift her perception of what she thinks she has over you, she will continue to confuse you, manage you and manipulate you in what fits her own selfish agenda....


Show her you have your own agende and it doesn't include her...you might like the results.


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## ksiretsus (Apr 29, 2013)

Thanks for the advice all, much appreciated.

I should probably mention that "Jackie" is a woman. My wife has been hanging with a group of lesbian friends. When talking with my wife last night, she seemed surprised when I mentioned that her friend Jackie probably has feelings for her, and isn't expressing them openly yet. She sees Jackie as a drinking buddy.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

I know it's much easier said than done, but enough of this BS. Go dark starting tonight. Rings, no rings. Cuddle, no cuddle. In, out. Sex, no sex. Enough!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mixed signals is right!

Agree with all others that you need to walk away from here and file the seperation papers now.

Since you don't have kids or property to split, you're better off than many here.

Time to go dark on her. Do not answers calls or tesxts unless about the seperation/divorce

She wants a friend, let her get a dog


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