# Husband lending money etc without telling me



## whiskybravo (Jun 28, 2016)

Hi everybody, I hope someone can give me a little bit of guidance on this issue because I am so totally lost.

Me and my husband have been married 4 years, I love him a lot, we've had some hard times due to visa issues and communicating with each other but overall we do love each other. I was only 19 when we got married and so I was quite naive in terms of the hardships and complications of married life, but I feel I have really tried my best and grown up A LOT.

About a month ago, my husbands brother (they are both from a different country) went to an interview with the Home Office because him and his wife had got married and the HO wanted to interview them to confirm the marriage was genuine. They completely botched the interview up and subsequently my husbands brother got arrested and sent to an immigration processing centre pending removal. Obviously my husband was really upset and we all got together to try and plan what we could do next. Over the next few days we sought some advice and were told that we needed to get a lawyer to lodge the appeal and in the meantime his brother would have to voluntarily depart from the UK to show compliance with the HO. My husband asked me if we could drive the 2 hrs to visit my mum, who is a lawyer herself and would be able to help. My mum adores my husband and seeing how upset he was, she found the lawyer herself and gave £640 to lodge the appeal. I felt uneasy that she'd given such a large sum of money but it was her that offered. Then we went back home and first we had to stop in and check on brother-in-laws wife "to make sure she's OK" my husband said. This woman is almost 30 years old, but acts like a little lost puppy. I felt a pang of jealousy that my husband was treating her like he had to take care of her, fawning over her and asking her what she wants to eat so he'll cook it. Since then, husband has just been doing absolutely everything for this case, he drove the wife to see his brother twice (8 hr round trip each time, no petrol money back) and when the brother departed to his home country and the wife decided to go out there to visit him for a week, he dropped her off at the airport AND picked her up each time. I grew very very frustrated with the amount he was doing for them, seeing as we have our own busy lives to deal with, both got new jobs in the last few months and lots of appointments with a fertility clinic.

Then came the kicker, my husband decided to give them £500 for the lawyer (paid on his credit card). He did not tell me he had done this until the next day. At first I was a little bit annoyed but as I started thinking more and more about it, I became enraged. I felt that it was NOT fair that he (and my mum) are paying for 2 grown adults when the amount they had given to the lawyer themselves is £0!

I told my husband: you are not to give any more money without prior consent from me. I told him how annoyed and frustrated I am at this entire situation, and I feel it's not fair. during these conversations he doesn't say much but I can tell he thinks I'm being out of order. He doesn't see how much I've put up with and how many times I've bitten my tongue before I just can't stand it anymore.

The other element of all of this is that I wouldn't describe my husbands brother as a very likeable person. When I see him I try my best to make conversation and get along, but he always seems disinterested. Before this whole sh*tshow happened, I hadn't spoken to him and his wife for 3 months, even though I'd sent messages asking if they wanted to do something. About a year ago, he moved into our flat on the sofa "temporarily" and ended up staying there a year. When it came time to move out and do the end-of-tenancy deep clean we did not see hide nor hair of him the whole weekend. He actually left all his stuff there and we had to move it to his new flat amongst the chaos of trying to move our stuff and clean. Him and his wife also haven't contacted my mother to say a simple thank you for giving the money, which I just can't quite believe. So yeah, I think you can understand why my feelings towards him are quite sour.

Fast forward to yesterday, and my husband drove the wife the 6 hour round trip to see the Lawyer. On the way back he called me and told me that the lawyer said we don't need to pay anymore money now, the bill is sorted, and that the wife has now got a credit card "so if we need any more money she can pay it". I said "well, why can't she pay you back your money with that then? If the lawyer bill is sorted she can use her money instead of it sitting there". His response was a non-committal "mmmm.." so I could tell he wasn't going to ask her to do that.

Then today, I was just thinking about everything that's happened and I just thought to myself, why am I letting them get away with this, I am not doing this anymore, so I decided to put my foot down. I told him that I want him to ask her for the £500 back. He said "she doesn't have the card yet" and I said "well she will get it in a few days so you can ask her". He told me "I don't need it now, I will ask when all this is finished" and I could tell he was getting angry. I said to him "it's pointless that she's got this money and not actually going to use it - everybody else has paid for her lawyer so she can pay them back" he still said "no I am not doing that" so I said "fine I'll message her" so I did. She emailed back 'I spoke with husband and we will try to pay you back soon'. So that seems like a total non-answer. This situation caused a huge argument between us and now we are not speaking and just spending the evening in stony silence.

I just feel so lost on what to do in this situation, it has really been getting me down the last few weeks. I have fertility problems at the moment so the last thing I need is other people's baggage! I would like to know from other married folks, what would you do in this situation? Would you put up with this and just let it go? Or would you be putting your foot down?

Thank you, I appreciate any responses to help me make sense of this!


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

should he have consulted you (as opposed to getting your "prior consent"? yes he should have.

did you get a commitment to get paid back? yes you have.

so why not wait to see if you get paid back?

look... i'd go over and above to help my brother's wife any time they needed help. they are as much family to me as my brothers. yes he should keep you in the loop but back off and see what happens.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

It would be prudent to just let this one go. You already said your piece...this wouldn't be a good hill to die on, so to speak. 

As for family helping family...it is what it is. We have pretty much all been there. Give what and when you can...because you never know when you will be the one in need...not to mention the family member will still be there long after the inconvience. 

Its all really part of the growing up process
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

It's unclear what it is your exactly upset about, but in your haste, you've apparently overlooked the fact that imminent deportation is a major crisis that requires (your husband's) time, commitment and money. Your "sour" relationship with your BIL is apparently distracting you from your H's priorities of helping his brother out of this very drastic situation.

I'd suggest you stop making you, your needs and your feelings the priority, as well as what essentially is an insignificant amount of money the issue, and either leave it alone or, preferably, be more supportive of your brother's panic. His relationship with his brother is important to him, and is currently under threat of deportation, you'd do well to learn some tolerance. Otherwise, I cannot see this ending well for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I disagree with the input you have received so far.

Yes, deportation is a serious problem and you brother and his wife need for help during this time. 

But the question is what kind of help and who makes the decision of what you and your husband can provide. Your husband has definitely crossed a line of reasonableness since he is not working WITH YOU to determine how much help and what kind he and you can provide.

*“He fusses over our SIL, to the point of cooking meals for her????” * This is disturbing. Like you said, she’s 30 years old. Can she cook for herself? Does she have a job? If not, why not? She needs a job so she can take care of herself.

*Two 8 hour trips to visit your BIL. * & *Dropped her off and picked her up at the airport *

What is the taxi fare to the airport? Why did she need to be driven by your husband? Did he have to take time off work to do this? Did he ask that you go along and make a short vacation out of the trip?

What would it have cost her if she had taken a train, a shuttle or other transportation to visit her husband?

It’s highly unlikely that she and your BIL will ever get back the $500 your husband gave her or the money that your mother paid for the lawyer. It is highly likely that when your husband gave her the money, he told her that he does not want it back. It was wrong for him to give her the money without consulting with you first. It’s 50% your money. I think that you need to just write off the money. Family seldom pays pay money, even when they promise. 

How is your BIL paying to live where he is now? 

Your husband is playing “Knight in Shining Armor” helping the poor ”damsel in distress“. It is completely inappropriate. His fawning all over her would have me very concerned as this sort of behavior…. Him playing KISA and her playing the damsel in distress often leads to an affair.

If it were me, the next time he was taking her anywhere, I’d put a VAR (voice activated recorder) hidden (use adhesive backed Velcro to keep it in place) under the front seat of his car. That way you can capture what they talk about.

He’s made it very clear that his SIL is a higher priority than you. This is not a good time for you to be trying to get pregnant since there is something very wrong with your marriage. Your husband putting another woman ahead of you and him cutting you out of the decision process is WRONG.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, where is your SIL's extended family? Are they helping at all?


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