# When is it time walk away



## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

My husband and I have been disconnected for a long time now we have been together for almost 10 yrs, married for 2 of them. We were very connected before we got married but a series of events happened and we lost each other. recently I told him I was going to leave him because I couldn't take this emotional roller coaster anymore, I would tell him to change he would for a week then we would be back in the same miserable way of life we called a marriage. basically living 2 seperate lives. Well last night we had a serious talk and he said he loves me but is not in love with me and I actually feel the same way. When 2 people feel the same way can you find that love again or should we just split ways? He promised me that he will change everything that he has to to help our situation, he has done things to make me feel I can't trust him and such. I am just afraid that if I give him another chance he will hurt me again because he made so many broken promises to me and I feel like I've heard this time and time again. I keep doing and doing for him and he just takes advantage, how do I really know he means it he just keeps taking my heart and stomping on it. Any advice please Should I give him another chance? Its just that I have given him so many chances already is this time really any different?


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

kissycupcake said:


> My husband and I have been disconnected for a long time now we have been together for almost 10 yrs, married for 2 of them. We were very connected before we got married but a series of events happened and we lost each other. recently I told him I was going to leave him because I couldn't take this emotional roller coaster anymore, I would tell him to change he would for a week then we would be back in the same miserable way of life we called a marriage. basically living 2 seperate lives. Well last night we had a serious talk and he said he loves me but is not in love with me and I actually feel the same way. When 2 people feel the same way can you find that love again or should we just split ways? He promised me that he will change everything that he has to to help our situation, he has done things to make me feel I can't trust him and such. I am just afraid that if I give him another chance he will hurt me again because he made so many broken promises to me and I feel like I've heard this time and time again. I keep doing and doing for him and he just takes advantage, how do I really know he means it he just keeps taking my heart and stomping on it. Any advice please Should I give him another chance? Its just that I have given him so many chances already is this time really any different?


Are there children to consider?
What specific things are each of you willing to DO to make it different this time?
These are the questions I would be asking...


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

Well we don't have any children, that was one of the reasons I wanted to leave because I want to have children and he keeps pomising me that he will change, be financially responsible, he is very frivolous with money, bounces checks left and right can't pay bills on time. We still don't own a home and have very little saved towards one. He says he is changing his life whether I choose to stay or go but if I do leave he would understand why. I know marriage is work but I feel like the whole time I've been trying and he's been working against me. What if I am just setting myself up to get hurt again.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

kissycupcake said:


> ... Well last night we had a serious talk and he said he loves me but is not in love with me and I actually feel the same way ...


This usually means that a marriage has love in it, but does not have desire in it. It is much harder to find a new person to love who is compatible with your life, than it is to re-ignite the fires of desire.

Your description of your marriage makes me wonder if you and your husband are compatible ... if not, maybe it is time to split up.



> ... When 2 people feel the same way can you find that love again or should we just split ways?


If you leave this marriage and start again, and if you find someone who will love you and who you can love also, are you sure that you will not slip right into a rut again?

Maybe you should try to fix your marriage, at least until you know what went wrong and how to prevent the same problem again in the future.

Good luck.


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

Thank you for the advice, I think we need to seperate and he needs to prove to me that he can be the person that I once knew or this isn't going to work. Ever since we have been married he has been living off of me acting like he has no responsiblities, he just recently got a job but his whole attitude about life needs to change. the only reason why I have put up with it for so long was because I did/do love him. I need him to be able to be there for me again like he was when were dating along with the responsibilities of being a husband and eventually a father. He has probably spent about $20,000 of my money that I entrusted him with on things he never concerned me with because he wasn't working. Its just never a give and take its only him taking. And I don't know how many chances I can give him. Thanks again


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor (Feb 12, 2010)

I think you've made the right decision to separate and require that he prove himself before you consider reconciliation.


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

The last time I posted my decision was to seperate from my husband, but what do you do when he keeps promising to change? I told my husband I wanted a seperation and he said No that isn't going to help, I am so sorry for everything, can't you find it in your heart to forgive me? But meanwhile I don't think I am even in love with him anymore. Everytime he comes near me I have an anxiety attack. He gives me guilt trips about not giving him another chance but I gave him 10 yrs of my life, 2 1/2 of them we were married. What should I do? I am emotionally drained, I gave this marriage everything I had and now that I feel I am through he is all of a sudden ready to put some effort in. I don't think I have anything left to give. Only the fear of losing me gave him an appreciation of me, but now that he sees that, he is scrambling doing anything to get my approval. And if he does change will it be temporary just to shut me up like usual or is it a permanent fix? Thank you so much, any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sit down and write down everything you would need in a marriage. Write it specifically so that it highlights what the husband would be responsible for. Basically, a checklist. Give it to him. Let him decide if he is willing to achieve all the items. If so, tell him that you need to see - in writing - what steps he is taking to accomplish them (don't forget to include financial counseling). Tell him that, if you choose to give him one final chance, you have a DATE in mind, at which time the items on the list will have to be accomplished, or else you are leaving. Some people don't believe in timelines in marriages but I think that, today, younger people simply don't know how to prioritize their lives to sacrifice and accomplish things. Timelines give you the needed impetus to get off your butt and do something.


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