# Husband's recent flirtations which led to questions about his past



## lausye (Sep 25, 2017)

We've been married for nearly 3 decades, and my husband, who is in his early 60s recently was away from home for work. We are both very friendly and generous people, and don't think twice about inviting strangers or new friends home to share a meal. When he returned, he asked if he could invite a woman that he met when he was away for dinner. I was expecting a middle aged woman. We went to pick her up and what greeted us was this woman dressed up to the nines, wearing 6 inch heels, and reeking of perfume.

My woman's intuition was that this woman was not expecting to be picked up by me accompanying my husband.We sat through a meal I'd spent all day preparing, dropped her home.

The next day I discovered a string of email exchanges between my husband and her. To cut a long story short, hubby confessed that he had dinner with her twice, and they did not do more than talk, and the emails were flippant. There was nothing sexually explicit about them. This episode ended with him sending a "dear Jane" email to disappointed.

So I asked him whether he had any other indiscretions during our marriage. He was out of the country for work more than 20 years ago, and we were apart for 6 months. When I pressed him about it, he recently confessed that when he was away, he was jerked off twice by prostitutes. I am still very very upset about it. I feel so betrayed. He says he felt guilty. Then I wonder why he went back a second time? He says it was a long time ago. And it was a hand job. I feel so very much disrespected.

I don't plan to leave him and we want to work this through. The only problem is that I suffer from "can't forget-itis".

Question: I feel that any contact in appropriate parts of one's anatomy - meaning any part of one's reproductive system does betray the partner. 

Would like other opinions.

We had been through a lot in our marriage - infertility, which led to ED. Workaholism, stress, my resentment of him for lack of attention and time which led to him eventually opening to me that he felt good to be in the company of an attractive younger woman, only for dinner.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I agree with you that contact to genitals is indeed a betrayal of one's partner.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think your husband got a *lot *more for his money than a hand job.

A lot more.

And why do I have a nagging feeling that the strange 'woman' who showed up at your door for dinner is a transvestite?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Any sexual or infidelious act done with another person outside the bounds of your marriage vows, and that is strictly reserved for your spouses inherent benefit is deemed to be an act of cheating, plain and simple!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> I agree with you that contact to genitals is indeed a betrayal of one's partner.


*In fact, you don't even have to really touch genitals to cheat!

But its a well-known fact that over the due course of time, that kind of touching activity, to a lesser or greater degree, usually always comes to happen, just as well!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think your husband got a *lot *more for his money than a hand job.
> 
> A lot more.
> 
> And why do I have a nagging feeling that the strange 'woman' who showed up at your door for dinner is a transvestite?


Gawd!

I knew you were bad.

I have upgraded you to EVIL!

Luv Ya!

SCM


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Gawd!
> 
> I knew you were bad.
> 
> ...


Yep. It takes a special, twisted talent to be able to make me bust a gut and cringe deeply at the same time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lausye said:


> We've been married for nearly 3 decades, and my husband, who is in his early 60s recently was away from home for work. We are both very friendly and generous people, and don't think twice about inviting strangers or new friends home to share a meal. When he returned, he asked if he could invite a woman that he met when he was away for dinner. I was expecting a middle aged woman. We went to pick her up and what greeted us was this woman dressed up to the nines, wearing 6 inch heels, and reeking of perfume.
> 
> My woman's intuition was that this woman was not expecting to be picked up by me accompanying my husband.We sat through a meal I'd spent all day preparing, dropped her home.
> 
> ...



I am really sorry you are facing this but tbh, when a man crosses boundaries like this it is likely this is just the tip if the iceberg. What on earth was he thinking bringing home a younger woman whom he has been having a sort of 'dalliance' with? He needs consequences to realise the damage he has done. This should not be swept under the carpet. I would kick him out for a few weeks to give him time to think about his actions. Start going out with your friends more, doing things for yourself, let him have to forego the pleasure of your company. See what he will do about it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're his wife, not his mom. He doesn't get to bring home dates for dinner.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Seems like 2 different things.

I have no idea why he brought that woman home for dinner. If he wanted to have an affair, why introduce her to you?

on the other issue.

Most people would consider a HJ to be infidelity. (its quite possible that is all that happened, depends on what he paid and what risk he would take - at least a HJ doesn't have much disease risk). 

What you want to do about it is your choice. First, you should ask yourself (no need to comment here) if you have ever had any sort of affair. If so, I'd just say you forgive each other an move on. If you haven't, then you need to decide how important this is to you. Only you know that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You're his wife, not his mom. He doesn't get to bring home dates for dinner.




Good point. Are you acting like his mom OP?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

He needs to stop bringing in strays off the streets.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

There is something especially cold about bringing the affair home as if it is ok. It's so blatantly disrespectful you feel like you are being mugged or going crazy or something while it is happening.

I still burn about going out for lunch with Me, OM1 and my W 30 years ago. 

Tamat


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

What was the point of bringing his fling for dinner in your house. Was he naive to the fact that you can't figure out what's going on between them? That's disrespect of the highest degree.

Sent from my Lenovo X2-AP using Tapatalk


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## lausye (Sep 25, 2017)

That was exactly what I felt. I was watching this bizarre movie.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lausye said:


> .....When he returned, he asked if he could invite a woman that he met when he was away for dinner. ...... what greeted us was this woman dressed up to the nines, wearing 6 inch heels, and reeking of perfume.
> 
> My woman's intuition was that this woman was not expecting to be picked up by me accompanying my husband.We sat through a meal I'd spent all day preparing, dropped her home.
> 
> ...


You have every reason to feel disrespected and question his commitment to you and your marriage. Clearly his inviting his Dear Jane dinner date to your home was way wrong.

He has some real boundary issues and lack of good sense.

As to the 2 hand jobs 20 years ago, when he was away from you for 6 months. If you really don't want to leave him.................get over it and forgive him. Tell him that he hurt you and that it will take a while to get over it, but figure out how to forgive him. If you can't (even with the help of a marriage counselor), then divorce him and allow him to find some happiness and closure.

You said he feels guilty. You said you want the marriage to continue. If these are true then tell him you forgive him and focus on the future not the past. Work on improving yourself so he can't imagine being with any other woman. The Sex Therapist that helped save my marriage had my wife and me focus and visualize what we wanted our marriage to look like in the future and taking concrete steps to implement that future.

Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I must ask: why would you allow your husband to bring some strange woman to dinner at your home? 
That.
Is.
Crazy.

Hey honey,I'm bringing home Alice from work to dinner. That ok?

How about a "**** no, it's not ok. Who in the hell is Alice?"

I've got to hear the logic.


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## lausye (Sep 25, 2017)

Hallelujah! Immediately after I approached him about the emails and this woman, who he told me was his friend, he insisted it was all above board, that they had good conversations, and discussed politics, our families, music. He insisted that she was also the same with him (which of course I did not believe, because she certainly did not act that way when i met her). Now, after a few months of therapy and my open discussions with him he admitted that he "fell" for her trick in thinking that she was only a friend. 

He did admit that he was flattered that a younger woman would invite him out to dinner. Bloody men!! 

I haven't gotten to the bottom of this yet!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lausye said:


> Hallelujah! Immediately after I approached him about the emails and this woman, who he told me was his friend, he insisted it was all above board, that they had good conversations, and discussed politics, our families, music. He insisted that she was also the same with him (which of course I did not believe, because she certainly did not act that way when i met her). Now, after a few months of therapy and my open discussions with him he admitted that he "fell" for her trick in thinking that she was only a friend.
> 
> He did admit that he was flattered that a younger woman would invite him out to dinner. Bloody men!!
> 
> I haven't gotten to the bottom of this yet!


Nope. How old is your husband. Maybe this is his MO but he is just getting old and not good a hiding it anymore. 

I'm sorry, people are such ****.


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## lausye (Sep 25, 2017)

He is extremely sorry, is very very attentive and patient with me (and I'm milking it for all it's worth!). He tells me that this is the worst thing he has every done in his life.

I just have to get it out of him one atom at a time. He has at least admitted that he sees that she wanted more than a conversation relationship once I ask him for more info about their meetings. For example, she told him that her ex-husband was a cheater and many men who were in Nigeria for work cheated on their wives, and asked my husband if he had ever slept with another woman but his wife! What a question to ask a man at a first meeting (apparently she tripped and hurt herself and planted herself next to my husband at the bar/restaurant of the hotel where he was staying - a very high end hotel, where he had just finished his meal). Honestly, my husband tells me that he wasn't aware that her intentions were that at the time. Huh? Which rock did he crawl out from? I think my husband is like a child - who knows a that it's wrong to hit another child, but hey' it feels good anyway, so might as well crack his skull! I have only gotten him to this stage. more to be exposed


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think your husband got a *lot *more for his money than a hand job.
> 
> A lot more.
> 
> And why do I have a nagging feeling that the strange 'woman' who showed up at your door for dinner is a transvestite?


Have sex with a Nigerian prostitute? Ha! Only if he wanted AIDS.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lausye said:


> We've been married for nearly 3 decades, and my husband, who is in his early 60s recently was away from home for work. We are both very friendly and generous people, and don't think twice about inviting strangers or new friends home to share a meal. When he returned, he asked if he could invite a woman that he met when he was away for dinner. I was expecting a middle aged woman. We went to pick her up and what greeted us was this woman dressed up to the nines, wearing 6 inch heels, and reeking of perfume.
> 
> My woman's intuition was that this woman was not expecting to be picked up by me accompanying my husband.We sat through a meal I'd spent all day preparing, dropped her home.
> 
> ...




(01) If a woman gave me a hand job (lots of lube), I would consider that hand sex with another woman. My wife can do that for me or myself.


(02) I have never paid for sex


(03) If your other half has a low sex drive, you can always buy the latest and greatest sex toys......


(04) I would NEVER bring another woman home for Mrs.CuddleBug and I to have dinner with. Big NO - NO. That makes no sense at all. Really?!


- I have had women in their teens flirt and hit on me........I've had women after work walking down the sidewalk to their cars, just come over and chat, flirt and about my plants, etc., I've had a coworkers young female friend want sex with me all night at the work party, I've had a young woman want me as a friend with benefits and the list goes on and on.......I've learned not to tell Mrs.CuddleBug. Of course I don't have sex with these ladies either.


- Women today are sexually confident, equals to men, know what they want and go for it. Younger ladies go for older guys. Older ladies go for younger men. Just the way it is.


- I'm 44 years old now and I still get younger ladies in their 20's flirting with me because I weight train, am confident and look young.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Lausye, I'd be way more concerned about affairs he has while at home. He went with this woman twice without you knowing about it. How many other times could he have done this behind your back? Of course he's oh so sorry now that you're on to him but it doesn't mean much other than he's covering his own behind. 

Nothing about this situation passes the smell test and especially not his weak excuses of not knowing what this woman wanted or was after. Maybe he didn't when he first met her but he sure as hell got multiple clues on their first date. She probably dressed up then too and was already not-so-subtly bringing up infidelity. Did she even know he had a wife until she showed up at your house?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

lausye said:


> Question: I feel that any contact in appropriate parts of one's anatomy - meaning any part of one's reproductive system does betray the partner.


Yeah I think most reasonable people including myself would fully agree with that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lausye said:


> Hallelujah! Immediately after I approached him about the emails and this woman, who he told me was his friend, he insisted it was all above board, that they had good conversations, and discussed politics, our families, music. He insisted that she was also the same with him (which of course I did not believe, because she certainly did not act that way when i met her). Now, after a few months of therapy and my open discussions with him he admitted that he "fell" for her trick in thinking that she was only a friend.
> 
> He did admit that he was flattered that a younger woman would invite him out to dinner. Bloody men!!
> 
> I haven't gotten to the bottom of this yet!


So if it was all above board why didn't he mention her to you? Why the secrecy? He was dating another women for 6 moths, how is that in anyway ok for a married man? Of course a hand job is cheating but the way he is acting now says that he has no boundaries and probably never has had. I think that what you know is the tip of the iceberg. Do you honestly think that this woman would have been happy to date a man for 6 months and not even kiss??? 
He says he fell for her 'trick?' What did he think he was doing dating another woman?


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## lausye (Sep 25, 2017)

Update:
Husband now admits that he was attracted to this woman.When I first confronted him he told me that they got on well, enjoyed each other's company, discussed Nigerian music, politics, our families, their jobs.Now he tells me that she suggested they met for dinner, and he confessed that he felt guilty taking up on that offer. He still insists that they did nothing but had dinner and conversations. And he felt very guilty that he didn't tell me about that.

So his tune was "it was all platonic", until I pressed him further, and this past weekend, he fessed up that he was attracted to her. I suspected that, but wanted him to be responsible enough to own up to this.

So he says he is extremely sorry and he thought our marriage wasn't going too well (I just suffer from insomnia, and prefer to watch TV till late rather than go to bed and count sheep), and he thought that I didn't love him anymore !!! That was his darn excuse for taking a woman to dinner a couple of times.

Then he told me that he enjoyed her company and wanted to continue this "friendship", so invited her to meet up with me when she was visiting Houston. I've told him that I can forgive the going to dinner without telling me, but this conniving to have me befriend her just so he could continue this "friendship" is totally INHUMANE, CRUEL.

We are working on saving our marriage, and have made a lot of improvements.

And you would not believe this- my husband and I sent and email to her on 8/31/17 to let her know that I had read their emails, and told her to cease communication.

Yesterday, she had the cheek to send my husband an email stating that she wish she and I could be friends!!! And to let me know that she is HARMLESS!!!!!

My husband now knows her wiles, and realizes that she is fishing for information - hoping that we have split up and then she could edge in.


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## lausye (Sep 25, 2017)

Information:
I did not realize that he was bringing home a woman he was "infatuated", "attracted" to. I am a kind and generous person and I thought she was truly a platonic friend. I make friends easily with men and women, and I could just as well have been in this situation of being friendly with a man, and would be glad to meet his wife, thinking that it's all truly above board and platonic. And when I meet the wife I'm sure I will put her totally at ease that I'm a no-nonsense person and I'm truly happy to be friends with the wife.

I have no problem telling men where to go if they are interested in being more than friends!!! I guess that's why I didn't suspect that she was after my husband.

My husband told me that his was what happened. Apparently she fell and sat next to him, and engaged him in conversation. She told my husband that he ex-husband is from Louisiana and was unfaithful to her with many women. So in this first conversation with my husband she asked him if he had ever slept with anyone but his wife. My husband replied that he hadn't had intercourse with anyone apart from me since we first met (he didn't mention his hand jobs to her!). 

So recently my husband told me that he realizes now that she was after more than just a "platonic" relationship with him. At the same time, I know he was acting naive to suit his narrative. He knew what he was getting into, and was just dumb enough to think he could push this "befriending my wife" thing on me. And he told her that the only way he would meet up with her when she visits is when I'm with him. What a cruel thing to do.

I told him today that he should just have done what he wanted to do in Nigeria, felt darn guilty, and not tell me, then come home and rebuild our marriage. Rather than manipulate me to be his "friend's" bosom buddy!!!!


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