# Compulsive lying alcoholic



## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hello everyone! I've been a lurker for awhile and would appreciate some insight.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7 months. For the 9 1/2 years that led to the wedding he did some minor things that bothered me/made me wonder if we should get married. However, I brought up all the issues to him before the wedding and he agreed that some changes needed to be made for things to work. 

For example, he would drink a beer or two after work most days of the week, and I made it clear that occasional drinking was fine, but I was not raising kids with an alcoholic. (We do not have kids yet, but I am 29 and not getting any younger. We have dogs.) He was not always completely honest with money either, telling me that his check was for less and hiding $20+ dollars for himself. He has also bought items that he said were given to him, and gotten payday loans that he hid and lied to me about. He knows that dishonesty, and dishonesty about money are unacceptable to me, and yet....

Last night he confessed that he is an alcoholic and that for the last four months he has been going to the bar after work with his work-friends. While I thought he was working late this entire time, he has been at the bar getting drunk on a regular basis. To pay for his jolly times, he has been taking draws at work of $200-300 a paycheck, then getting another draw on payday, to the extent that he didn't get a paycheck in mid. Jan and got $120 this time and still owes $300 to his boss. Probably close to $2000 in 4 months. This is not something we can afford at all, and he has put us in financial jeopardy, unable to pay our bills. 

On top of this he lied to me for the last two weeks that his boss had been hospitalized and hadn't come to work, all because I was waiting on his paycheck to pay bills and he was trying to find a way to hide what he had done. I am not the kind to sit around, so I was working on a claim to get his money, applied him for unemployment, made him a resume and looked for jobs for him. Meanwhile, he lied to me on a daily basis about his boss not paying him. There were things that seemed odd, so I would question it, but he would invent another lie as his answer. I feel so stupid for believing him. 

Also, I finished my Master's degree and began looking for work about the time that this drinking and lying started. Being unemployed and stuck at home alone has been incredibly depressing. Instead of being there for me, he was at the bar spending our bill money. 

He said if I give him another chance he will stop going out, not hide $1 from me, quit drinking, help around the house more, etc. He said he knows he doesn't deserve any more chances. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I feel betrayed, humiliated and foolish and the lies keep swimming in my head. I've given over 10 years to this man and he was my best friend, but I don't want to waste time if he isn't going to change. Opinions?


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## LuvMyHubby (Feb 2, 2010)

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. My husband of 7 years has been / is an alcoholic. Before we got married (and before I really realized he was an alcoholic instead of just immature) I told him I did not want him drinking excessively. He said fine. Fast forward 5 years one kid (and pregnant with another) and I had to hunt down my husband who disappeared all night then showed up at my parents house the next morning in his work clothes drunk. I kicked him out temporarily. He sobered up and has basically been sober since. BUT, I live on pins and needles every day and I have a serious simmering resentment. If we didn't have our children I don't know if we would be together. The guilt of splitting my family weighs so heavily on me that I will tolerate a lot at this point. I don't know how to trust him EVEN THOUGH he has been clean and sober and very responsible for a year and a half. dont know what to tell you other than this situation is incredibly complex. If you have any doubts about him (and obviously you do) take that seriously. Bringing kids into the situation will make things A LOT worse. If you don't see him doing everything possible to make you trust him and sober up, you've got some hard realities to face. But please trust me on this, do it before you have kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way I would stay with him is if he (1) started attending personal counseling and STAYED at it for at least 6 months and (2) went THIS WEEK to AA and continues going - for life. I hope you realize an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life. If he gets to where he thinks he's tired of struggling, or you don't deserve his struggling, or whatever, he could start drinking again that day. Right now, he's apologetic cos he screwed up and can't hide it any more. What will he be like in 6 months after you've forgiven him?


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thank you ladies so much for the insight. I am so hurt and angry, it helps to know someone understands.

We both come from divorced families with alcoholism and addiction problems, and I do NOT want to continue the tradition. 

Luv, I also thought that he was just immature and that maybe I was expecting him to grow up suddenly once we got married, which obviously didn't happen. 

Something that bothers me is that this started when he started a new job. All the guys that he works with are pretty losery and it's like he has to do what they do. I am not sure if he is a follower, an alcoholic, or both. 

turnera, you are exactly right that he only came clean because it was impossible to hide it anymore. He literally lied up until the last minute. I am going to look in AA and counseling and make it a condition before I will consider forgiving him. What he will do in 6 months, or even 4 years is exactly what scares me....


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