# Trying to maintain my sanity.



## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

Two months ago my wife asked for a seperation that lasted all of four days before she asked me to come home. After returning things seemed improved and I tried hard to work on the issues she said led to her wanting a seperation. Admittedly I sometimes drank too much at the house on weekend nights and slept late on sundays when I should be up going to church with her and my four year old daughter. I never neglected my family though, I have always been an attentive husband and father and would go to the ends of the earth to make them both happy.

Shortly after my return home I saw a few text messages from a man my wife used to date in highschool that seemed innocent enough. Him telling her to check out some pics on FB he posted etc.. I told her I wasnt very comfortable with the contact but didn't make a huge deal of it and life went on. She claimed to be very happy again but over the next few weeks things started slowly going down hill. She made excuses to come home late, did her best to avoid me, and was very cold to me.

Finally I confronted her and she told me she was unhappy and wanted to divorce. No seperation talk at all.. strictly divorce. said she loved me but wasnt in love, wanted us both to be happy etc.. I offered to go to counseling, change what bothered her, you name it and I suggested it, but she was adamant about divorce. She swore it had nothing to do with another man.. just her pursuing her happiness. The following weekend she made plans to stay at her mom's and have some time away from me. On friday night she took my daughter to her moms and spent the night. Saturday we met so I could pick up my daughter and she could return to her mothers for the weekend.

After picking my little girl up I asked her If she had fun at grandmas and asked what they did and she told me mommy had picked up a "friend" and took him to grandma's house with them. I had a strong feeling it might be the old flame that had been texting so when we got home i pulled his facebook page up on the p.c. in the living room and left it open. when my little girl walked in the living room she took one look and said "Thats him Daddy.. Thats mommy's friend that we picked up."

When she returned home I confronted her and said I had proof that she spent the weekend with another man and was insane enough to involve my child in it. She didn't admit or deny anything she just sat there mute and cried. I packed my things and left the house and demanded she keep the OM away from my daughter while we went through divorce and made arrangements about custody and support.

I've been gone for almost a month now and have been keeping my daughter a few days a week and most weekends. The OM is still seeing my wife but she seems to be respecting my wishes about bringing him around my daughter. She acts as if she has every intention of divorcing but has yet to file. The few times I have met with her to pick my kid up she always starts crying. Not sure if its remorse or what. She's still continuing on with the OM so I dont understand. She also suggested we try to do things together occasionally for my daughters sake because we have yet to try to explain to her what is going on.. I told my ltittle girl I was working alot and had to stay somewhere else for a while and she would be visiting me there. And the frequency of my wifes calls and txt mssgs has been increasing when the OM isnt around but when I have my daughter and my stbxw is free to do as she pleases I dont hear fom her. Sometimes she will even skip calling my daughter on my nights or ignore her calls and say she couldn't talk.

I now plan on filing the divorce myself but wanted to sit and talk with her first to try to work out as many details as possible concerning visitation, support, and finances. Stbxw also said she thought we could get these things resolved without getting the courts involved too much because niether of us currently have money for filing costs etc. She definitely doesn't seem in a rush to have this talk though. Is she fence sitting or is she just too involved in her romance to focus on anything else?

I apologize for writing a book I just dont know how to feel or what to think about my life unraveling over the last month. there are lots more details so feel free to ask. I would like opinions, suggestions, advice... anything. I know alot of you have been through some of what im going through and I just want to know if I will ever feel ok again. I realize I deserve someone who loves and respects me as much as I do them but I truly thought she was the one and now she is a selfish stranger.

1. stbxw is 25yrs old I am 34
2. child is 4 yrs old and has always been around both parents.. how do we explain this to her? she already cries when I tell her I can't come home with her.
3. There are other men that have less than innocent intentions in ww's life that she has rekindled friendships with since i left but the other man still seems to be priority number one,
4. stbxw has some drug issues/ maybe addictions
5. OM has a pretty recent criminal background and is rumored to be involved with aryan brotherhood and motorcycle gangs.
6.ww doesn't deny involvement with OM anymore
7. I still havent seperated bank accts. with her yet due to outstanding bills in the home we shared. but she has definitely been spending money from acct while with OM.
8. She acts as if she wants to end this amicably for the sake of our child and since we have to deal with each other for the next however many years.. Is her lack of urgency fence sitting/ cake eating? Am I just an extra source of income to finance her continuing affair? I'm sure there is tons i have left out but I will post if I think of anything else.. I also have stopped all drinking and been trying to focus on my health and physical/mental wellness for my sake and my daughters.

Thanks again for any responses good or bad.


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

Also, we have been together for six years and married for almost four. And the reason her previous relationship with the OM ended in high school is because he cheated on her... go figure.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

WOW - separate the money tomorrow!

then expose your wife for cheating on you to your friends and family.

Are you afraid of the OM? If not then post him on cheaterville.com


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

Seperating finances is definitely going to be done this week. And I have Told my in- laws what is going on and they said they had suspected that there was someone else due to her recent avoidance of them. They both said they would talk to her about her decisions lately but i think mainly they just want to get their grandaughter through the divorce with as little damge as possible. Her father and step mother both said they loved me and I would always be a part of their family... And her birth mothers house is where she hung out with him with my daughter in tow in the first place so exposing anything to her is pointless. I'm also not a bit scared of the om but his family seems to be aware of his and my wifes relationship and very supportive of it. he lives with them if i'm not mistaken and my wife spends the night there sometimes.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Do this asap. The sooner finances are separated, the better. 

Also, move back home. Mommy felt content to step out of the marriage, so stepping out of the marital home shouldn't be a problem. 

She can go move in with OM and his family, if shes so comfortable there. Reclaim your home.


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

I thought about that.. but I have already paid deposits and rent on another place and will be moving in this week. I feel like I've gone about this all wrong in some aspects. Like I'm letting her off too easy after what she has done to myself and our family.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Can you get your money back on the rental? If not, Have her move into the place. Get home, the betrayed spouse who did nothing wrong should not have to uproot himself for the selfishness of his partner. 

If you let her cheat on you and sit at home, you are letting her off easy. 

Tell her to pack her bags and if she says "I have nowhere to go" thrust her the apartment key and address and say "Go there, I got the first month paid already, so pack up"

You're going the divorce route, little choice really. If you give her a big head full of entitlement, shes gonna try to take you for every dime you have because in her mind it won't be greedy and wrong, she'll be 'entitled' to it for having to put up with the demonized boogie man image she have of you in her head.

Trust me on this. So many wayward wives say "lets have an amicable divorce"

Then a month down the road her lawyer is requesting the house, half your retirement, half of any and all inheritance, the house and everything in it, and primary caregiver so you have to pay her child support on top of the alimony, etc. 

If you don't think this can happen, go google up some horror stories. You'll see men lose their house in the settlement, OM moves in and he still has to pay her alimony to live in his house with her lover. 

Women are always favored in divorce. A man wiser than me once said, "The only win-win situation in a divorce settlement is when the woman wins twice."


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Since she can live with mom, tell her you are putting the house on the market.
Go see if you can get your deposit and rent money back, and move back in.
It don't make sense for you to pay a mortgage for her hot sheet action while you have the kid.

If you have to come clean to whoever you gave the money to.
If they won't let you out of the lease, just move back and forth willy nilly. Anything to disrupt her screwing in your house.

Is the house underwater ??


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Damn, almost overlooked the drug stuff.
This is something you REALLY need to look into somehow. Her having him around your child if he is doing stuff to is not good man. Is there anyway you can find out what she is into??


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

ugh.. both places are rentals and the one I am moving into is with my cousin as a roomate. This just backs up my concerns that i should have never left the marital house in the first place. Right now I get my daughter whenever I want and that is my main concern. Hopefully we can come to a fair agreement on custody, visitation etc.. What is with my stbxw crying when I come around though? and the texts when the om isn't around?


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

The drug use is something i hope i can keep a relatively close eye on.. we have a lot of close friends in common and i think she knows if she exposes my kid to anything or anyone that will bring harm to her I will bring their world crashing down around them no matter what it takes. I just wonder if these horrible life decisions she is making are due to the "fog" and if she will eventually come out of this and start making decisions that aren't selfish but rather in the best interest of our child


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You know she is NOT thinking of the best interest of your child.
This woman is so screwed up it pitiful.
The crying and stuff is guilt AND manipulation. Then you throw in some drug use, and fog, you get this.

But OK, as long as its a rental, you can walk. Just get all the personal stuff you want, so you won't have to set foot in there again.
In fact, you should have someone else pick an drop off your daughter. She lets you see her tears knowing they make you weak towards her. 

Can you say fall back plan if om don;t work out.
But if you just have to see her to discuss your child, show her nothing but indifference. No emotions at all. Ifthats too hard, think of the most hurtful thing she has done an keep it in front of your mind while talking to her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

File for primary custody...this is a risk you cannot take..Not only the OM but the circle of people he might surround himself might be a danger to your daughter..


Do not contact with the wife unless it is about the kid..

She might be cheating on you well before everything happened. You might want to get the entire truth about the whole thing for your closure...Maybe he(OM) was in the background for your entire marriage


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> And the frequency of my wifes calls and txt mssgs has been increasing when the OM isnt around but when I have my daughter and my stbxw is free to do as she pleases I dont hear fom her. Sometimes she will even skip calling my daughter on my nights or ignore her calls and say she couldn't talk.


Don't let her decide how your relationship is supposed to be. Don't talk to her unless it is about the daughter. Keep it to the point and end the immediately. She would want to be amicable so that she can feel less guilt about the whole thing. The family activities is not about your daughter. It is about her feeling less guilt for destroying the family..You decide the pace and nature of your relationship...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Are you kidding? She is an addict and is around a guy with a criminal record with your daughter. File for primary custody dude...


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Are you kidding? She is an addict and is around a guy with a criminal record with your daughter. File for primary custody dude...


:iagree:

And file those papers emediatly, don't wait for her to file. You need to get this ball rolling now.


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

You said
*Admittedly I sometimes drank too much at the house on weekend nights and slept late on sundays when I should be up going to church with her and my four year old daughter. 

I also have stopped all drinking and been trying to focus on my health and physical/mental wellness for my sake and my daughters.*

If you are filing for primary custody of the child, make sure that your W does not accuse you for addiction for Alcohol.:scratchhead:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

harshmello78 said:


> T
> 1. stbxw is 25yrs old I am 34
> 2. child is 4 yrs old and has always been around both parents.. how do we explain this to her? she already cries when I tell her I can't come home with her.
> 3. There are other men that have less than innocent intentions in ww's life that she has rekindled friendships with since i left but the other man still seems to be priority number one,
> ...


Forget this girl.
You're 34, she's 24.
She's " young and wild and free..."

Ten years from now she will wake up in a rat infested hell hole and regret throwing away her life behind this POS.

Ten years from now you would probably be relaxing on a beach with your woman in the Caribbean and sipping Pina Coladas.

But take good care of your daughter. Ten years from now she will be 14 yrs old and at a critical stage in her life...........


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She want to keep you as her back up plan, she knows its not going to work with OM for a long. She is dragging you thru the mud.
Dont wait for her to file,it wont happen as you are financing her A with OM. File tomorrow and protect your child from these kind of criminals.


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

I truly appreciate everyones advice. I'm going to seperate our finances in the morning regardless of the excuses I have been making for not doing it. I guess I really have been trying to be the nice guy when I know she doesn't deserve that. 
Against your advice I went to see my daughter at the house tonight on my stbxw's invitation. I know I should just have her served but before I left I told her we needed to talk about custody and support arrangement's before the weekend because I want to see what details we are on the same page about before going to court. She said she would make time and suggested we use the same lawyer/mediator. I told her no.
I also told her I was sick of the deceit and disrespect I feel from her infidelity, and by her being involved with other men in our marital home before this d is final.. and that I'm ready to be done dealing with her outside of interaction concerning my daughter.
She got a little teary eyed and tried to tell me she didnt have anyone at the house and really wasn't seeing anyone. I know better. I found out from a friend after I left tonight that the OM she was involved with that led to me leaving is seeing someone else, and one of the other guy's from her past with "less than innocent intentions" has become the new front runner. I'm truly done with this drama. Papers will be served asap. The woman I though I would grow old with has turned into a Jerry Springer episode. I am still heartbroken but there are a few minutes everyday where I feel like I will be ok again eventually. 
Thanks again and I will post updates on my sanity :smthumbup:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So she got dumped again, huh ?

What might be a worry would be the men she would bring into your daughter's lives.


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

The people my daughter are around and what environment she is in are my number one concern. I've brought this up to the ex not necessarily in a threating way but she knows I'm watching everything. I also informed family and friends of the habits, criminal records, and reputations of the people she is associating with. I have no reason to trust my stbxw but I'm giving her a small and very supervised chance to make the right decisions involving my daughter. If she screws it up I will do everything in my power to protect my child Even if that means keeping her away from my ex through legal action.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

harshmello78 said:


> The woman I though I would grow old with has turned into a Jerry Springer episode.


Meth?


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## harshmello78 (Oct 6, 2012)

Perscription pain pills definitely. The last several occasions I've seen her she was flying high. I'd guess maybe 50 mg of hydro or oxycodone daily due to the amt of money withdrawn from our joint acct. on a weekly basis. I made arrangements to have my next check deposited into my own new acct. today And there are rumors of her being involved with Meth going around outside our circle of friends which seems to lend even more credibility to them. Im looking into it all and if I find solid evedience I feel the ball will be in my court. Can I suggest that we take drug tests and things of that nature in a custody dispute or hearing concerning the well being of our child?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Yes you can. You can file for sole custody siting drug addiction and providing an unsafe enviroment for your child.

Oxy/roxies and meth are HARDCORE Dude. You may need to put a PI on her so you will have some recorded evidence.

I would suggest that if you are around anytime she is using or high, you should call the cops and have her arrested.
Yeah, this is extreme, but not only will you be actively trying to protect your child, you may be saving your stbx life man.

In fact, you should talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. These drugs are no joke.
I personally KNOW folks that have had their lives destroyed by them.
And we all know how bad crack is, but what ppl don't seem to know is that roxies and meth are just as bad.
If she is doing meth, you won't have long to wait before the results start to SHOW. They go from looking healthy to looking 50 yrs older in no time
So the very next time you know she is flying, call the cops and report her for child endangerment.

Does she have a script for the roxies ??? They are not easy to get anymore, since the FED are cracking down on the Docs and pain clinics.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It got so bad for the pain clinics here in Fl, that many have moved to Ga.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

harshmello78 said:


> And there are rumors of her being involved with Meth going around outside our circle of friends which seems to lend even more credibility to them.


Probably turned on to it (as we used to say) by the con BF. All they want to do when they're on it, at least in the early stages, is fVck any and all males within reach as long as the lube holds out. Check this out. And this too. The interwebs are full of this stuff.


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