# My story



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

Hi all, a little bit strange to write in here, but I have been reading the posts for a couple of months, and I think it is about time to open up and tell my story.
I know my husband since I was 19 (I am 42 ), we've been married for 18 years, we have two boys 11 & 14.
For years we were like the perfect couple, we never fight, and we got along pretty well. In the other hand we always did everything as a family, vacations, birthdays, everything we went as a "group" of 4. Sometimes we hung out with friends , but rarely we did things as a couple.
We also work in the same place for 15 years. He has a management position, he needs to travel more, and I have an office position, part time job, and take care of the kids in the afternoon.
All the last year I felt something is wrong, but I keep inventing excuses that "he is tired" , stressed, with jet-lag because of the business trips etc.
Around six months ago I finally opened my eyes and started to investigate, emails,texts etc. Found that he had an affair with a married lady, coworker from out of state. Since we work at the same place I know her too.
He claimed , till today that it was an EA, but I know for sure that it was more than that.
When everything was discovered, he said that it is not the thing about her, that he is not in love with her, but that he is in MLC , that he needs "freedom" , I didn't see any remorse from his side.
We went to a couple of therapy sessions, but basically he doesn't believe that his feeling about lack of freedom can change.
He started to be more distanced , barely talked.
At some point I told him to leave the house, and then I guess he started thinking about the consequences. He doesn't want to hurt the kids. 
I'm really confused, I don't know what ....:scratchhead:


----------



## ConfusedDaughter (Jan 11, 2013)

I'm coping with infidelity through the lens of an adult child of a cheater, so I'm not really qualified to give you advice on much of your problem as I've never been married myself. But the one thing I can say, is please shield your sons from this as much as possible. Sure, they are old enough to comprehend what's going on, but DO NOT drag them into the middle of this. Don't offer up any information that they don't ask for themselves, and even then be very careful to remain true, but not turn them against their father, even if he is being a piece of crap right now. They may choose to continue a relationship with their father, and that can't be your decision to make, no matter how much he hurts you.

I'm in this situation now, and I really resent my mother for dragging me in and telling me as much as she has. It's very hard to have any sense of control in that position.

I'm very sorry for your pain and confusion. I wish you the best of luck in whatever course of action you choose to take, now or in the future.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

Thank you for you reply, my kids don't know anything about what's going on, when we are all together, we act like everything s normal.
In the other end, if we do separate in the end it will be for my kids the shock of their lives , because they never saw us even fighting .


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

California-girl said:


> Hi all, a little bit strange to write in here, but I have been reading the posts for a couple of months, and I think it is about time to open up and tell my story.
> I know my husband since I was 19 (I am 42 ), we've been married for 18 years, we have two boys 11 & 14.
> For years we were like the perfect couple, we never fight, and we got along pretty well. In the other hand we always did everything as a family, vacations, birthdays, everything we went as a "group" of 4. Sometimes we hung out with friends , but rarely we did things as a couple.
> We also work in the same place for 15 years. He has a management position, he needs to travel more, and I have an office position, part time job, and take care of the kids in the afternoon.
> ...


His head is not where it should be. He is playing a silly game, Colon the Barbarian. (And that's not a typo...)

Hopefully he will get his head back where it should be and will treat you and your children with the love and respect you deserve.

By the way, here's a question for him... ask him if he is excited by the idea of making a cuckold out of his lover's husband?


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I honestly don't know about keeping the kids in the dark unless you plan on reconciling. My wife had what really amounted to 5 affairs during the course of our marriage of 15 years. A couple of weeks ago, I found out my oldest son knew about things from 4-5 years ago. He was 8 at the time. I took him to counseling today. I'm taking my 3 boys home from dinner and I found out the man my EX is dating now put his hands on my youngest child. 

I am a firm believer in shining light on the darkness. My kids know what happened why we are divorced and how I never lied to them. I was not brutal with the truth but I did tell them. They actually knew a lot of it anyway. Children are much smarter than people give them credit for.

I have my oldest in counseling because he knew about his mother and the affairs to an extent, but she told him not to tell and that he would get in trouble if he did.

So now. I have the boys in counseling and very soon I will have a lawyer and I will be headed back to court for custody. Good luck with your marriage, but you will be told over and over EXPOSURE is the best thing you can do right now. Yes, you need to shield your children, but they are caught in the mess no matter what you tell yourself.

You don't want them wondering why and blaming themselves. Getting counseling for them is the best thing that I have done since DDay.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What does the other woman's husband say about this affair?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

He needs to go.

Period.

He's openly betrayed you and the kids and is defiant about it.

I can't imagine why he is still there.

Oh, don't forget to tell the other woman's husband.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

I sent an email to the other woman a month ago, to step messing with my husband. I have copied all the emails that I could find to my email account, and told her about that. I've also could find her husband phone number and told her that I will contact him if she doesn't stop.
It turned out that her husband was also suspecting because he interfered with that email ( he was also checking her emails) , and then he contact me. He sent me an email saying that he was suspecting something but he doesn't have the proof. I didn't contact him back. Should I?
Regarding my kids, I don't want to involve them yet, I guess I still have hope that we can still work this out. 
Last serious talk that we had, he said that he wants to start counseling , but alone, (?), and also he said that he doesn't to know how to get out of this MLC. 
We live in this limbo situation, not married , not separated , and I don't know how to deal with this.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

California-girl said:


> I didn't contact him back. Should I?


yes

and tell him about this thread


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Hello,

You are in a situation where standard behaviour applies. I know, sounds strange, but lots of people here have to follow the same recept. If you behave weak, complying, nice, loving, you will enable his situation. He will finally leave you.

So...To get him back you have to take a tough stand. That will shock him, and hopefully finally shock him out of this behaviour. No guarantee, but it is, as experiences learn on TAM, the best chance you have.

Read about simular cases, and learn how and why this is done.

As a starter: 
- Expose everything to everybody, also the company!
- Make him leave the house, let him go to the other woman
Pack his bags, put them next to the front door, ask him to leave.
- Turn cold
- Isolate him
- Let him feel how it will be if he would leave or leaves.
- Hide your feelings for him.
- Use this forum to express your thoughts, emotions etc.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

The thing is I've tried to be distant,cold, and show like I'm over him, like I don't care, but that distance looks like it is doing the opposite thing, it looks like it is driving him more away.and actually it is doing what he wants the most, he wants to stay as a family, but do whatever he wants, by "leave him alone" , I'm doing exactly what he wants


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

But is getting thrown out and have to go to the other woman then what he really wants??


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

File for divorce and start the procedure, in the meantime you can tell him you might reconsider if he starts to see reality. But not to easy please. Let him come to his senses first.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

California-girl said:


> I sent an email to the other woman a month ago, to step messing with my husband. I have copied all the emails that I could find to my email account, and told her about that. I've also could find her husband phone number and told her that I will contact him if she doesn't stop.
> It turned out that her husband was also suspecting because he interfered with that email ( he was also checking her emails) , and then he contact me. He sent me an email saying that he was suspecting something but he doesn't have the proof. I didn't contact him back. Should I?
> Regarding my kids, I don't want to involve them yet, I guess I still have hope that we can still work this out.
> Last serious talk that we had, he said that he wants to start counseling , but alone, (?), and also he said that he doesn't to know how to get out of this MLC.
> We live in this limbo situation, not married , not separated , and I don't know how to deal with this.


Ya definitely contact the OWH.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

California-girl said:


> I sent an email to the other woman a month ago, to step messing with my husband. I have copied all the emails that I could find to my email account, and told her about that. I've also could find her husband phone number and told her that I will contact him if she doesn't stop.
> It turned out that her husband was also suspecting because he interfered with that email ( he was also checking her emails) , and then he contact me. He sent me an email saying that he was suspecting something but he doesn't have the proof. I didn't contact him back. *Should I?*
> Regarding my kids, I don't want to involve them yet, I guess I still have hope that we can still work this out.
> Last serious talk that we had, he said that he wants to start counseling , but alone, (?), and also he said that he doesn't to know how to get out of this MLC.
> We live in this limbo situation, not married , not separated , and I don't know how to deal with this.


yes!


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

The thing is we all work together in the same company, I don't want to complicate the things even more. None of us can leave the company.
What's the purpose of talking with her husband? Revenge ? Do you think that will make our situation better ?


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

There is another thing this week that drives me crazy, they organize a big meeting this week, and they will see each other every day, they will go to dinners together (with other people) . I don't know how to get out of this situation....


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yes, contact him. Letting her husband know is the right thing to do.

I would be very upset with anyone who knew my wife was having an affair and didn't tell me anything about it. For one, I might want to have myself checked for STD's. It's one thing for her to cheat on me but it's quite another to risk my health. The health of the kids father is still important whether she stays or goes. I might also want to quit going into debt with her, after all, the financial future of the entire family depends on her contribution - and if she's not going to be there - either by her choice or mine - it's important. 

What's this bullsnot about your husband's midlife crisis? What does his crisis consist of? Knowing how much time to spend on his girlfriend instead of the kids?

Tell him you don't want to hear squat about "crises" you know what a real crisis is, you're in one now - trying to keep a family together, going though mental and emotional pain. That's a crisis. Not his fantasy-land make-believe world. 

Tell him that his kids are in crisis. They don't see their father as often, there's tension in the house, mom is sad. That's a crisis. 

A man takes care of his family's crises - he doesn't create them. 

click my link on th 180 and on letting go.


----------



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Contact OW's husband immediately. Pressure from both spouses is more likely to kill it. Tell your husband's family and advise OW's husband to tell her family too. Put pressure on them to do the right thing.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

So today , I told my husband to leave, this s it. I think it is for the best.
I agree with you walkionmars, that he used that MLC excuse to do whatever he wants.
I never thought in my life that I will get to this point, I guess I was to naive. 
How do you tell the kids about the separation, that breaks my heart.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

California-girl said:


> So today , I told my husband to leave, this s it. I think it is for the best.
> I agree with you walkionmars, that he used that MLC excuse to do whatever he wants.
> *I never thought in my life that I will get to this point, I guess I was to naive.
> How do you tell the kids about the separation, that breaks my heart.*


Awww, CG, this is one of the worst points of an affair - when it messes up your world views... and worse yet those of your children. We're always learning that life is unfair as we grow up - but man dealing with an affair is too much. It hurts to be stripped of your innocence and positive outlook on the world. :-( Stay in touch with us at TAM to help you get through. 

Also, if you haven't read this yet, do so immediately: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

The post really helped me acknowledge what I was going through. Hang in there girl.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

California-girl said:


> So today , I told my husband to leave, this s it. I think it is for the best.
> I agree with you walkionmars, that he used that MLC excuse to do whatever he wants.
> I never thought in my life that I will get to this point, I guess I was to naive.
> How do you tell the kids about the separation, that breaks my heart.


California, 
You were not naive. Not one bit. You're good person. You trusted your husband as wives should. Don't blame yourself because you felt you were a team working together. And don't blame yourself because he became so selfish he put his WANTS above your families NEEDS. 

I guess he forgot about all the times you took care of him, the times you shared putting the Christmas tree up and all the decorations. The times you sacrificed your time in a loving way to make thanksgiving dinner special. What does she do for him - except betray her husband and spread her thighs? He thinks that makes her special. 

He had special and gave it up for 'easy'. 

Dump the bum. He has no honor.


----------



## Praetorian (Jan 13, 2013)

Its indeed a hard situation and you have taken a step that has better changes of going right. 
As I don't know much about the situation you might have considered this could have been a midlife crisis, which doesn't give him the right to cheat but does makes sense as to why he would do this.

But as you have chosen your path on to your next question.
To the 'how you should tell your children' part, you should just say the truth without starting about details on why and how, just go straight to the point. And be sure to tell them you love them and encourage your children to tell them how they feel about it. Be sure not to be emotional in this and show that you are there to listen to them.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Praetorian said:


> you might have considered this could have been a midlife crisis, which doesn't give him the right to cheat *but does makes sense as to why he would do this.*


According to this the affair isn't right but it is sensible. 

Oooookkkkaaaay. If you say so.:scratchhead:


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Make sure to tell your children that they had ABSOLUTLY NOTHING TO DO WITH FAMILY BREAKUP!*


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

California-girl said:


> The thing is we all work together in the same company, I don't want to complicate the things even more. None of us can leave the company.
> What's the purpose of talking with her husband? Revenge ? Do you think that will make our situation better ?


It's not revenge, it's the best thing you can do to defend your marriage.

He already suspects, he's struggling to find the truth and you've cut him out.

Please tell the OWH, he stands to be your best tool to kill the affair and that's what needs to be done.

Tell him


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

California-girl said:


> What's the purpose of talking with her husband? Revenge ?


 No not revenge, but because her husband has a right to know the truth. You are not to blame for the fact that she is cheating on him, she is. BTW, compared to the fact that she is f*cking your husband, you just talking to her husband is nothing.



California-girl said:


> Do you think that will make our situation better ?


 Yes. Your cheating husband and his affair partner (AP) have been working in secret as team against you, you need to team up with her husband to defend your marraige.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

California-girl said:


> The thing is we all work together in the same company, I don't want to complicate the things even more. None of us can leave the company.
> What's the purpose of talking with her husband? Revenge ? Do you think that will make our situation better ?


When talking about handling infidelity, people use the exposure as a tool for many things.

Telling the AP's husband, though, is in the larger sense, simply a matter of decency. You would be a decent human being if you treated that man with the respect that he has probably earned. Give him the chance to act with full knowledge for his own life. If you have information that is relevant to HIS life, why is it your decision to keep it from him?

Just do the decent thing. That should be the only reason you need to talk to him.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Tell OWH, you need every chance to block further damage to you marriage. Maybe that will prevent them from having an A for these coming days.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Most betrayed spouses that ignore the advise given here to expose regret it later, please follow through on this.

(I should collect up the quotes from them so I can post them!)

There are very important reasons for it.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Take care!


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I never will understand people. 

How can having a history with someone for +18 years then ditch that for someone else??? Do they not realize after all the sex and whatever they tell themselves that they really dont share anything in commen?

I am sorry you and your kids will be going through this. But if he really loves you and wants to start over with you it will take leaving the company for good.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

I followed the advise that most of you gave me, and I contacted the husband.
I'm really happy that I did that.
We exchanged information that we gathered, and that gave us a lot of strength.

I have to tell you what I did ( I'm not so proud of it, but at least it helped me to discover all the truth.) I put a recording device in my husband car. And last week when she was here for the sales meeting she entered into the car, and I recorded everything.
They kissed, and she told my husband to tell me that my marriage it's over.it was devastating. 
Basically they are afraid that I will go to the company and say that they are having inappropiate behavior .
I don't want to do that actually because they might fire my husband too, and that will damage actually me.
The thing is that in one hand she is telling my husband she will be with him, and she is telling her husband that she loves him and she is sorry and she wants to go to therapy with him.
Unbelievable, she want to have everything. She is a master of manipulation and has all those guys like her puppets.
I really don't know what to do now...


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

California-girl said:


> I followed the advise that most of you gave me, and I contacted the husband.
> I'm really happy that I did that.
> We exchanged information that we gathered, and that gave us a lot of strength.
> 
> ...


CG - You are one smart cookie and I'm high fiving you from across the pond. Well done on contacting her husband. No guilt should be attached to the VAR in his car. Dealing with a liar forces your hand sometimes. Does this woman's husband know about the conversation you got on the VAR? Keep in touch with him with all new information.

Meantime, lawyer up and file.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Good for you Ca girl!

Do not let on that there is a VAR in the car. You can use the THREAT of informing the company to get her fired and to put a little (well deserved) fear in your cheating husband's heart.

Tell the OWH what you heard his W say. 

What was your H reaction to the puppet master's suggestion?


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

Everybody is lying in this story, my husband, his affair and her husband.
So my husband doesn't know where is the truth, and since he is paranoid about that I'm straying to spy on him, and also he thinks that I want to go to the company ans expose everything, I'm not sure that he believes me 100% when I'm telling him that she is manipulating him.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

There is no var in the car, I use my phone one time and recorded. I was lucky that I discovered many things in that single time.
Any of you used a VAR? Which one do you recommend?


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

CG,
Good job exposing and good job recording!

Do not waste your time trying to convince your husband that she is manipulating him, they are in this together.

The more you tell him the easier it will be to gaslight you and hide it.

Did you say the other husband is lying to? How so?

Is he trying to protect his wife, or her job?

If you use a var you can double velcro it under the seat.

Keep collecting info and DO NOT tell anyone where you got it yet, even the other husband.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

California-girl said:


> There is no var in the car, I use my phone one time and recorded. I was lucky that I discovered many things in that single time.
> Any of you used a VAR? Which one do you recommend?


There are lots of good suggestion on this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...one-interested-evidence-gathering-thread.html

read post 71
there are other posts with good tips for you too


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The threat of the OW needs to be neutralised. Work with her husband, if you can.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Either way you look at it, if you want to reconcile with your husband, he must have absolutely no contact with the OW. Either Him or the OW must leave the job and work somewhere else. If he truly cares about the marriage he should do this. He may not like it but tough [email protected], he decided to be a Cheating Bastard. Remember this one of the consequences he should face for his actions. 

here are some options:

1) Expose the affair to the HR department and they will decide what to do with both of them. (This worries them)

2)Don't expose the affair, then you'll have to deal with them having constant contact at work with you there. This will not make it easier for you if you trying to reconcile. And if your divorcing, then you'll still have to see them together on the job which will only cause you another set of problems. 

Both you and the OWH should send a complaint to HR and expose. Don't sit around and watch your husband being willingly "manipulated" by the OW.

The other woman maybe manipulating your H, but your husband is trying to manipulate you. Give your husband the Ultimatum, Then file for divorce and have him served. He might snap out of it be willing to reconcile.(if that's what you want)

I mentioned this on another post but "Pack his stuff up and put it on the curb on trash night, and tell him to get it before they do."


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

California-girl said:


> Everybody is lying in this story, my husband, his affair and her husband.
> So my husband doesn't know where is the truth, and since he is paranoid about that I'm straying to spy on him, and also he thinks that I want to go to the company ans expose everything, I'm not sure that he believes me 100% when I'm telling him that she is manipulating him.


What lies is her husband telling?


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

California-girl said:


> There is no var in the car, I use my phone one time and recorded. I was lucky that I discovered many things in that single time.
> Any of you used a VAR? Which one do you recommend?


So, you used your phone. Seems this is fine and it got you the goods. Can't advise on a VAR since I am across the pond but if your phone works, use it. If her husband is lying to you it may be because he is falling for her bull. Trust your gut.

These two seem more concerned with exposure at the job than anything. A little dose of reality will burst their bubble I reckon.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> *I reckon*.



side note:
I love this phrase!


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> side note:
> I love this phrase!


I tell it as I see it. I reckon that's all I can do.:smthumbup:


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you want to stop the affair? Call hr. you husband needs to leave the company to get away from her if the arrange away chance, so help it along by contacting HR.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Don't forget your husband is like addicted to his fantasy image of OW. Like a junk he will steal, lie and betray anyone to get his shot of 'her'.

Don't talk WITH him like to a normal person at this moment of the process. Talk only TO him. 

All doubts, fears, anxiety etc. you can vent here. Not with him, because like a true addict he will use anything against you now.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

Today we had another long talk, he says he doesn't love the OW , but their relationship started because his middle life criss. He couldn't tell me the truth about was he was going trough and e started talking with her.
Today he knows with his mind that he is not going o find another woman like me, but with ha heart, he knows that he wants freedom and he doesn't get married anymore.
I think at this point that the affair doesnt matter anymore, I think the only way to maybe bring the love back is to separate.i need also time to be alone, and maybe start over. I'm so scared about the future.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

But you made some important steps in your thinking. 

The Phoenix is born from the fire in which it was burned, remember?


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

if she's lying and "manipulating" both men, then i suggest you play that recording for them. you shouldn't hold on to this information all to yourself. her husband deserves to know how this woman plans on screwing him over. 

by not exposing you are _enabling _their behavior. as with all choices, there are consequences to bear.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I hope I'm wrong, but I think you are being played by him. Perhaps he has even deluded himself into thinking what he's saying at the momen he is saying it the truth, but bottom line: the affair is very actively going on, he's choosing her over you, and a separation is not going to help the marriage, it is only going to put you in more limbo on the path of what will end in diviorce on the current trajectory.

It sounds the talk was him saying you are perfect for me, Id be a fool to throw that away but I'm going to. Which is another way of saying to you that he refuses to consider ending his second relationship.

He has also convinced you that you have no options or choices other than letting him co what he wants. That you should just give up, and accept it.

This is tied to the idea that you should expose either.

And he claims the OW isn't all that important to him. Yet he is ending his marriage for the relationship with her.

You are being played with rationalizations and miss information.

Lesson to learn here: talking with a cheater is like negotiating with a drug user to get them to stop. It never works. They are master self delivers and false negotiators.

Advice: stop talking and act.

Exposé the affair, on her side especially, but expose it. Shake up the safety it has in the shadows.

File for D, you can always stop it down the road, but you need to make it very real to him, very very real.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

At this point, I am not sure i I want to continue with him.
He said so many things, that he is holding for years.
Like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, ( I gained 10 pounds, not 100, and since July , I've already lost those extra 10 pounds).
He said other things too,they hurt a lot ,specially because he never told me those things. How I was suppose to know they bother him so much, two years back I would do anything to save the marriage.
Today, there are so many problems involved, and issues, that I'm thinking , this person is not the person I married, he is not attracted to me, I'm not in love with him too. The sex is not amazing. Why I'm still staying ? Why am I fighting?
Definitely the kids ,number one, the family life, the trips together, we did so many things as a family... But not as a couple....
Maybe it's time to move on...


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

A loveless marriage is not that uncommon in this country. But coupled with disrespect, infidelity, lack of character, and dishonesty it definitely is not one you should cling to and live with. 

Your marriage has hit rock bottom through no fault of your own. And it's you and your children that have to pay for the unraveling of your long union. You have no guilt in this nor do your children. One day he will come to regret his actions. And please don't buy into the shameful excuse of a 'mid-life crisis'. Let's b honest, he had a 'lack of character crisis' and a 'lack of integrity crisis'. He will eventually discover that all that glitters is not gold. 

Rebuild your life.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Expose her on cheaterville.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

California-girl said:


> At this point, I am not sure i I want to continue with him.
> He said so many things, that he is holding for years.
> *Like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, ( I gained 10 pounds, not 100, and since July , I've already lost those extra 10 pounds).*He said other things too,they hurt a lot ,specially because he never told me those things. How I was suppose to know they bother him so much, two years back I would do anything to save the marriage.


And maybe on his way to the next visit with OW, he will become disfigured in a car crash and the OW will dump him because he is "unattractive".  

I'm sure my husband had his own list of justifications, but you know what? The thing is he did not want to deal with reality. If he turned his mistress into a maid, fulltime nanny, homeschooler, dry cleaner, cook, and financial advisor, catering weekend gatherings to give him exposure for work, while dealing with his selfishness, then I suppose he would find her frazzled state not so attractive either after 20+ years. It had nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with the environment and expectations. No woman will ever be good enough.


----------



## California-girl (Jan 12, 2013)

I don't know how the express my gratitude to you guys, you are helping me so much,every answer from you helps me see the things clearly.
I hope when I heal, I will be able to help other people in this website as well.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> File for D, you can always stop it down the road, but you need to make it very real to him, very very real.


I think you need to make everything about it real. No discussions about anything other than the kids or splitting. No listening to his problems or being a resource for him. Make clear that in view of his behavior, he no longer has you as a back-up - he gave that benefit away.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ca girl, your husband us blame shifting. He's stating all the reasons why he in hs own head has grasped onto in order to justfify the selfish horrible choice he made to cheat on you.

It's either blame you, or admit that he made a selfish hateful choice.

So since he doesnt want to be bad guy, you must be the bad guy.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Ca girl, your husband us blame shifting. He's stating all the reasons why he in hs own head has grasped onto in order to justfify the selfish horrible choice he made to cheat on you.
> 
> It's either blame you, or admit that he made a selfish hateful choice.
> 
> So since he doesnt want to be bad guy, you must be the bad guy.




And it is not good enough to just blame shift. He had to put her self esteem through the meat grinder to ensure she felt like she could never find someone else.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your H is justifying what he is doing, by changing marital history, and he is also putting you down (dissing you), as a means to justify what he is doing.

Use the other H., whereever you can, but only if you want to stay in your mge---if you do not wanna stay---then you have told the other H---nothing more for you to do

You can stop investigating your H., and you should move on---in Calif.---you can go on line, and print out all the D. forms, the child support forms, everything---all it will cost you is some computer time, and paper---also go thru all the calif. family codes, so you are familiar with everything--(just go to google, and type in California Family Codes)----as to court procedures, seperation of property, child support, alimony---everything is there---read all the codes, you will know what any D atty., knows.

Your H., is full of crap, with his mid-life crises psycho babel---he just wants to play---he is bored and he wants a different woman---tell him to go be with her, and stay with her----make sure even tho he is seperated---HE PAYS HALF OF ALL MARITAL BILLS, including mtg, all insurances, car, necessities for living, utilities---everything---cancel all CC's in both of your names, you can even cancel his, if you think he is spending marital money on the other woman--take all the marital money at this point and put it in an acct. with only your name on the acct.---and go dark on him----treat him as if he doesn't exist, delete him for now.

Do not go to any counseling, as long as he is with the other woman----and you can tell the kids---tell them exactly what is going on---your H. did this to you and to the kids---it is he and he alone who is responsible for wrecking your family---and make sure the kids know what kind of a person he is.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I agree with much of what jnj expressed. However, I disagree that you should "make sure the kids know what kind of a person he is" or that they should know that he did this TO THEM. No matter how awful he was, it is unfair to make children feel unloved and to try to make them hate their father. This will only lead them to feel that they are at fault in some way.

Seriously kids are so fragile even when they pretend to be tough. This is between you and your dip**** husband. Try to keep the kids above the ruckus as much as you can.

For you, seek individual counseling. Hang in there and with everyone at TAM in the meantime.


----------

