# Possibly Strangest Separation



## mozmufc21 (Aug 5, 2013)

My wife moved out completely unexpectedly on June 21. I came home and there was a moving van and police officers (to keep things civil). I was able to talk to her for about 5 minutes before she left and she said it was because of all the 'bullying' of her and her daughter. I then emailed her later and told her I loved her and didn't understand. She said that she absolutely loved me and I am her one and only love and that she tried to show me in the month of June how much she loved me. (she told me she was going to do the 30 day challenge with me where we are intimate for 30 days in a row and we only missed two days, one random and one the night before she left, which she has since said she regrets not making love that night). Since the leaving, which she said she had intended to never see me again, she has spent time with me with her daughter, who is 10, and her daughter clearly wants to spend time with me, but my wife at times says that would be good but there is never any follow through. She comes over and kisses me, flirts with me, has invited me out to dinner, finally has said she wants to go to a counseling appointment with me, but will talk about nothing to do with the relationship. And when it is brought up she says the issues are hers. She now says I am not an abuser and that she is not asking me to change anything about me. (there was no physical abuse or anything of that kind and no infidelity which would seem to be clear by our 30 day challenge). She has a hard time with parenting based on her abuse by her parents and stepparents, as is my analysis. She has 2 older children who walk all over her but she doesn't see it. Her children curse at her, demand money from her, dictate how she should act and dress. So, I parented the daughter who lived with us in a great effort not to turn out the same way. Wife had problems with 'the look,' bedtimes, any discipline. There was nothing physical! No spanking, just time outs. As I've said she tells me loves me every day, that I am the last man she will marry and ever make love to, but there are days when she barely seems to notice me. (she doesn't ask how my day was or call me, mostly she responds to my texts and phone calls) This is her third marriage. 17 years for her first one which she claims had a lot of infidelity, 2-3 for the second one which she says had a lot of sexual abuse. Pregnant at 16 and in and out of foster homes. Despite all this an absolutely amazing woman who I love more than anything. Her two older children are 20and 24. I don't know if I am enabling her by loving her and being there for her completely through all this. Is this the wrong way to approach what she did and what she is working through? It is tearing me apart her distance and the roller coaster. She says that she never expected to hear from me again after she left and if she did it would not be a kind word from me, so the fact i have been kind and loving is an absolute 'blessing' and she doesn't know where to put it. Her two older children are very bad influences and it seems like that who is who she turned to when she was considering this action because our peers and family like grandparents had no idea that she was considering this action. 

Again, she is very affectionate when she comes over and she says she struggles with that because she can not control herself around me but that she can not go there. 

Any advice or even someone in a remotely similar situation would be appreciated. 

She says her focus right now is on her faith and adamantly does not want a divorce. 'i could never fill out the papers. it would be you who would have to do that.' 

She refuses to talk with anyone associated with the Church as she does not want to be 'judged.' She was judged when pregnant at 16, in coming out of her other two marriages and at other times in her life. 

Do I need to give her space? Pull away a little? If only to help me? I started seeing a therapist immediately after the separation, but even they are struggling to make sense of it all. We are going together on Wednesday but it almost sounds like she just wants to meet my counselor to see if she would want to see her on her own.

Last Wednesday she said, 'i am so sorry i did not work through my issues before i met you.' 

I simply hate where we are at right now and can imagine no other woman who i will be inspired by and love more than her. (i waited almost 40 years to meet the right woman but as soon as i met her i knew) I'll never give up hope but right now I don't know if I am doing the right thing by expressing my love and unconditional support for her through this all. (but i struggle to feel loved by her. i hear words but few actions)

thank you


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cut her loose.

She's cake eating.

Either she wants to be married or she doesn't.

And yes you are enabling her by allowing her to string you along.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah you need to be firm with her. That her behavior is unacceptable. That it is bad for her youngest child. That she massively overreacted by moving out like that. I'm sure she has a lot of issues relationally from her upbringing and past relationships that she really needs to get into IC for (not MC). You can be supportive in the meantime by not filing for divorce yet or cutting her off financially, but you have to make it clear what the expectations are and don't cave in by talking to her/texting her all the time.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Is there a man lined up? all of the sudden moves are classic for cheaters.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Agreed, be done. Also, if she claimed you were bullying when she first left, I would take that as her truth, and really try to do some soul searching and work on that about yourself. Stop letting her cake-eat, she is just insecure about things and is using you to find her footing.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Who is she shacking up with?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, she either seems unbalanced, or there's more to the story. Who goes from a 30 day intimacy challenge to moving out and calling the cops for an escort in 24 hours?

C


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## mozmufc21 (Aug 5, 2013)

I understand the cops, at least I think I do. Her two older children were there helping her move and they have had problems with the police. I think she knew that I would try to figure out what was going on and things would escalate and someone would say or do something that would get out of control. So, they were there to keep everything civil.

She has talked to mutual friends and told them, 'i do not want a divorce and i absolutely love that man.' i think she felt over protective of her child. since then her ten year old daughter pretty much watches tv or plays on the tablet all day, eats cookies or is taken out for dinner each night, stays up until mom goes to bed, usually midnight or so, and sleeps in until ten or eleven the next morning. (and i was told hadn't showered for 4-5 days which i have mom a look for but realized these are the things mom saw as controlling, but clearly she doesn't know how to be a parent who sometimes needs to be tough. she is very afraid of not being there for her children in every way so they walk all over her)

anyway, i am hoping i will have some clarity on wednesday at first counseling session. 

i do believe i am enabling her but fearful of stepping back as she has been abandoned by so many men. it is a fine line.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mozmufc21 said:


> i do believe i am enabling her but fearful of stepping back as she has been abandoned by so many men. it is a fine line.


And, YOU were going to be different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mozmufc21 said:


> i do believe i am enabling her but fearful of stepping back as she has been abandoned by so many men. it is a fine line.


If you want her to come back, then don't make this easy for her.

She wants to go to counseling with you? Then talk there about the parenting. What's she's doing is not good for the child. Maybe if the counselor gives her input on this she will understand that a child needs structure.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Give her space.

In fact, don't even speak to her until and unless she starts acting like a wife. That starts by her calling you and apologizing for her erratic and crazy behavior and promising to get the help she sorely needs.

I will add though that I feel that there's more to this story.

She sounds like she's afraid of you.

Perhaps your definition of abuse is different than mine.

Have you ever laid a hand on her, left marks on her body, or gotten in her face in a threatening way while yelling at her? Threaten her or anyone else with bodily harm? Thrown things? Punched walls? Broken any household objects? Abuse any family pets?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

The only thing that she's remotely afraid of is being found out in an affair. That's the real reason!

Oh, she'll smokescreen you and anyone else gullible enough to believe her, but bottom-line, she's lined herself up with another "Stage Door Johnny" to covertly make her girl parts tingle!

Do "the 180" and immediately file on her lousy ass! You deserve something far better out of life other than some cheating "head case."

After all, it's all too apparent that that "the head" that she's interested in isn't exactly residing in your household!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife sounds like mine. Unbalanced and plain crazy.

She was not abandoned by men. She's addicted to her fear of abandonment and ensures its realization by conspiring towards getting abandoned in calculated subconscious decisions. You had no chance from the get go.

You, yourself are showing signs of codependency and childhood fears. You are definitely a controlling individual. You are a 'nice guy'. It's written all over your post. There's a lot to be said about you (and me and many like us), but I won't get into it.

You won't break away from this with ease. Brace yourself for turbulent times. It will be painful. You chose to marry her and this is what marrying a crazy woman leads up to. I'm sympathetic, but also a bit more experienced in this than you are.

First thing is first. DO NOT CONTACT HER. She will be back. She will be back to hurt you even more. And you will take it. You will take it because you believe it's your destiny/job to take it. One day, you will wake up and realize your survival is at risk. What you do then is not predictable. 

Here's a list you should follow. Of course, it's still a bit early in your journey and you will fail a few times before you get a hang of it, but try not to fail. If you follow the list to the T and stay committed to it, you will be a whole new man within months if not weeks. Your wife will continue to haunt you for a long time. It's important for you to gain your individuality back before she comes back with yet another nuclear attack.

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

synthetic said:


> Your wife sounds like mine. Unbalanced and plain crazy.
> 
> She was not abandoned by men. She's addicted to her fear of abandonment and ensures its realization by conspiring towards getting abandoned in calculated subconscious decisions. You had no chance from the get go.
> 
> ...


Welcome back Young Synthetic.


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