# When trying to reconcile, how do you stop thinking about the affair?



## matador (Mar 31, 2017)

For the most part, I don’t think about it anymore. Sometimes, though, I let my mind wander or ask too many questions. My exwife and I recently started going to marriage/relationship counselling together, after seeing each other most of this year. After the recommendation of the therapist she has been more open about the affair when I want her to, she always has been but is more open now. The affair and our divorce was 10 years ago so there has been a lot of time to process things, but some of it is new information/details and in a way it feels like starting over. She married the man she had an affair with and spent 8 of the last 10 years with him. 

The day she told me that she was having an emotional affair I told her to leave and that was the day our marriage ended (legally divorced a year later). That was also the day she went to him and let it become physical. She had never told me that before, I had never asked. As best as I can remember, that day keeps playing in my mind. I asked her too many questions and know details that I’d like to erase. Things she said to him, things she did for/with him. I have regrets about reopening that chapter. 

For the most part, I don’t think about it and we are doing well. But when those thoughts do start running through my mind I find it hard to stop. The therapist suggested to keep on talking about it, which seems counterproductive to me. Has anyone found that helpful?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You might find that psychological therapy for you may also be of benefit to help you develop coping techniques.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I wouldn't touch your wife personally but I do have advice.

If she has proven to you she is worth your love and passion, take her.

It really is that simple. F her brains out taking your pleasure from your woman.

If a woman is worth my love, I don't give a **** about anything else.

Get your priorities straight. She is either worth your attention or not.

If she is your willing woman, use her for your pleasure and plow her until she is an orgasmic puddle.

My wife is with me. She was with others before but I burned them all away with my lust, love and passion.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why in the world are you trying to get back with her?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you picked a really hard one. These things don't go away you are going to have to learn to live with it. Also why are you sure your wife won't do this to you again? You couldn't find better then this?

Maybe this is a sign? Maybe it's was never supposed to be a long thing. Like now you can feel a little better knowing you can leave on your own terms this time.

Like how are you going to raise the other man's kids? That is just rough. 

Again you picked a hard one. You'd think there are no other women out there.

I would like to point out that your wife is a cheater whether you were a good husband or not. She married a cheater and he turned out to be, guess what? A cheater. So now has 5 kids, 5 by two men. There is not a lot of prospects for a women in that situation. This isn't a great situation you are putting yourself in. Besides that he is always going to be in your life because of the 3 kids. 

Also just like you have obviously had for her, she may have unrequited feelings for him, she was married to him she did already cheat on you once with him, if he stops being an ******* and changes his ways how do you know she won't go back to him. People like your wife who lead this kind of duality in there life are not good choices for life long relationships with, they are not stable enough. Seriously dude, this is the only women in the whole earth you could find? A women who cheated on you, had 3 kids by the looser? I think you were in much better shape when you kicked her out and moved on with your life. Think about it you probably felt better and were happier.

Or accept that if you are going to be with her this is the deal, it means pretty much blowing up everyone's life and feeling upset a lot of the time. I can't imagine any other way under the circumstances. 

God what this must be doing to your kids. Imagine the rivalry. It makes my head hurt.


----------



## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Why is she giving you details of the affair, I don't think it's healthy at all. I may not be a marital counselor but hearing all the gory details does not sound fun, unless you're into it.


I had an ex that cheated on me, I loved dearly but I knew I could not be with her because of her cheating. She would try to give me details and ask me for advice and sexual tips! I would hang up on her as she wanted a rise from me, and see my reaction.

Good luck



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

matador said:


> *My exwife and I recently started going to marriage/relationship counselling together, after seeing each other most of this year.* After the recommendation of the therapist she has been more open about the affair when I want her to, she always has been but is more open now. *The affair and our divorce was 10 years ago *so there has been a lot of time to process things, but some of it is new information/details and in a way it feels like starting over. *She married the man she had an affair with and spent 8 of the last 10 years with him. *
> 
> *The day she told me that she was having an emotional affair I told her to leave and that was the day our marriage ended (legally divorced a year later). That was also the day she went to him and let it become physical.*
> 
> ...... The therapist suggested to keep on talking about it, which seems counterproductive to me....


From what you posted, I have a few comments. Why did her marriage to the OM end? Why do you want to reconcile with her? Do you regret ending the marriage the way you did? Why?

I suspect that the MC when suggesting talking about things was to help you work through the grieving process to reach "acceptance," you are working on reconciliation with the MC.

If you really want to reconcile you need to accept that she cheated on you, you threw her out because of it, and she became another man's wife for 8 years. You aren't going to find a reason to forgive her by talking, but you might find a mental state to accept what she did and move forward from where you are.

That is a pretty big hunk of acceptance to digest.

Good luck.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is why so many end their marriages after an affair. Its impossible to forget. Yes you can forgive, but you cant forget.


----------



## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> You might find that psychological therapy for you may also be of benefit to help you develop coping techniques.


Totally agree with this. The OP seems to be suffering PTSD.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

From your post, I'm given to understand that she cheated, you divorced, she married her AP, then divorced, and now you are in R.

If this is the case and I haven't read falsely, and if it's not too personal of course, may I ask what prompted you to reconcile after 10 years?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Matador,

If after 10 years of moving on and being divorced, has not stopped from thinking about her transgressions then it will never completely go away...you either have to live with that or move on permanently. Frankly its not fair to her nor the kids.....and the other thing is that she married that POS and had a kid and so that guy is even more tied to you as well, you marry her, and you will see him as well and then there is their kid that you will also see every day. Dude cut your loses and move on let her be, you freed yourself once don't go back again.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I had to read your other thread to see what the ruckus was about. This thread gave me the creeps when I read it, but the other thread is just cringe worthy.

What in the actual hell?
Why would you do this to yourself?
Good God man, bail, now!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I’m sure you’ll be able to stop thinking about the affair pretty easily, what with the 3 small children she had with her OM/ex-husband running around.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Didn't you bang other people in the last 10 years? Who cares, you both went separate ways.


----------



## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> You might find that psychological therapy for you may also be of benefit to help you develop coping techniques.


This is the best suggestion I can think of... assuming of course that you actually want to stay with her.

I am curious as to what happened with the dude she threw your marriage in the crapper for. You know, the last time she took a dump on you and your marriage by starting an affair.


----------

