# Fiancee's mom wants to move in



## hrjackson30 (Mar 8, 2018)

I just don’t get why my fiancee want her mom to live with us after our wedding. She and I have been staying in our apartment for about two years now. So far, we’ve established a good routine and chemistry inside the house. If we add in her mom to the mix, I’m afraid she might shake this balance. It kind of pieces me off how of all time my fiancee wants her to move in, she chose after the wedding. Isn’t that supposed to be our honeymoon period? How do I tell her that I don’t want her mom with us? At least not after our first year.

You see her family’s used to this kind of thing since they’re kind of a tight family. Her mom’s from Cebu who met her dad in some asian date tour. Her parents got married and lived here in Chicago since then. Two of her mom’s siblings migrated here too and lived with them for a while. Basically, living with extended family members is a walk in the park for her. But it’s not for me. I need help to survive this fiasco. Someone save me.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

hrjackson30 said:


> I just don’t get why my fiancee want her mom to live with us after our wedding. She and I have been staying in our apartment for about two years now. So far, we’ve established a good routine and chemistry inside the house. If we add in her mom to the mix, I’m afraid she might shake this balance. It kind of pieces me off how of all time my fiancee wants her to move in, she chose after the wedding. Isn’t that supposed to be our honeymoon period? How do I tell her that I don’t want her mom with us? At least not after our first year.
> 
> You see her family’s used to this kind of thing since they’re kind of a tight family. Her mom’s from Cebu who met her dad in some asian date tour. Her parents got married and lived here in Chicago since then. Two of her mom’s siblings migrated here too and lived with them for a while. Basically, living with extended family members is a walk in the park for her. But it’s not for me. I need help to survive this fiasco. Someone save me.


Are you willing to call off the wedding over this? If so, just tell her that. If not, get used to having no choice who you live with.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Only you can save yourself here. Sounds like this is a cultural thing for her, So this is probably who she is and what she wants out of life. If that’s not ok with you best to call off engagement now


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Run forest run !

Put your foot down now like its your hill to die on take no prisoners!

Just tell her I love you and commit to you not your whole family.

If its a deal breaker the break the deal!


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## hrjackson30 (Mar 8, 2018)

Nucking Futs said:


> Are you willing to call off the wedding over this? If so, just tell her that. If not, get used to having no choice who you live with.


I wouldn't give her up for the world. I'd like to think that we are both reasonable partners no matter the disagreement. We'll have a long discussion before the wedding day and if things don't seem to lean on my end of the bargain then we'll both just have to compromise. But I have a feeling I'd do most of the adjusting, LOL. Happy wife, happy life right? :laugh:


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## hrjackson30 (Mar 8, 2018)

Wolf1974 said:


> Only you can save yourself here. Sounds like this is a cultural thing for her, So this is probably who she is and what she wants out of life. If that’s not ok with you best to call off engagement now


I don't think calling off the wedding is the only choice I have. I'll keep this disagreement with her open to debate and keep speaking my feelings out with her. Letting her go is not an option here. Wish me luck, LOL


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## hrjackson30 (Mar 8, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> Run forest run !
> 
> Put your foot down now like its your hill to die on take no prisoners!
> 
> ...



Family is something I've learned to love ever since I met my fiancee. We'll find a way to compromise. I just hope we can figure things out. Thanks for the advice though! :crying:


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

A long time ago a very wise Master Sergeant told me that when you marry into a Philippine family, you marry the family, and if you are American, you're expected to take care of them too. I've seen it over and over throughout the years. Good luck.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Where is dad, mom's husband? There was no mention that he's no longer around, so why will his wife move out of the house to come live with their daughter? Is the purpose for her to leave him?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Cromer said:


> A long time ago a very wise Master Sergeant told me that when you marry into a Philippine family, you marry the family, and if you are American, you're expected to take care of them too. I've seen it over and over throughout the years. Good luck.


So true! I did some clinical work outside Manilla, in Taytay Rizal. 

A relative of one of the midwives came and stayed a very, very long time. Also, when the midwives stayed at the clinic for their 24 hour shifts, the whole family not only stayed at the clinic, but they all slept together in makeshift beds on the floor.

In a way, I thought it was super cool that they were all so close, but I wasn't raised that way and couldn't live like that.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

hrjackson30 said:


> happy wife, happy life right? :laugh:


wrong!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might work out OK.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

sadly Jackson, i do not see this going well for you in the long run...but at least you had your chance to walk away and you didn't, so just get married, hand your wife your balls, and be the good boy, because you my friend are about to be emasculated. And the more you just accept it now the better it will be for you in the long run.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

hrjackson30 said:


> Family is something I've learned to love ever since I met my fiancee. We'll find a way to compromise. I just hope we can figure things out. Thanks for the advice though! :crying:


If your idea of compromising is to let your fiancée do exactly what she wants then go ahead.
Happy wife yes,happy mother in law,father in law,siblings,cousins etc certainly.
Happy husband no.
I have worked with people from this region and their home life is unbelievable,they are happy to live virtually on top of each other.
Remember with this family, her mom moving in is just the start.You will soon have a horde of relatives living with you and if you think you will ever have any privacy at home then forget it.
And they will stick together,any disagreement will be you versus everyone else.
I mean this sincerely.RUN!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

hrjackson30 said:


> I don't think calling off the wedding is the only choice I have. I'll keep this disagreement with her open to debate and keep speaking my feelings out with her. Letting her go is not an option here. Wish me luck, LOL


you are both going to be miserable if you proceed...... you both have different cultural norms you expect out of marriage. I don’t know how you can see this getting resolved but sincerely good luck with that.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

hrjackson30 said:


> I wouldn't give her up for the world. I'd like to think that we are both reasonable partners no matter the disagreement. We'll have a long discussion before the wedding day and if things don't seem to lean on my end of the bargain then we'll both just have to compromise. But I have a feeling I'd do most of the adjusting, LOL. *Happy wife, happy life right?* :laugh:


OP I can't tell you how much I cringe when I hear men say this, even as a young female who hasn't been married as yet. All it tells me is that this person has a poor understanding of the dynamics of a healthy relationship and their role as a man in said relationship. 

It would do you (and therefore your future wife/marriage) good to stick around this forum to get a better understanding of these things. This is how I ended up here to begin with.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

What kind of house do you have? My Uncle married a Filipina and her mother came to live with them a few years after they were married and stayed until her death a few years ago. She was a lovely woman. It worked out for them because they had a MIL suite built in the basement before she came to live there. Uncle's MIL had a bedroom, bathroom, and sitting room. They all shared the kitchen. If anyone wanted privacy and time away from each other, they got it because they had the space for it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The OP is going to be back here in 2 years crying his heart out........guaranteed


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

hrjackson30 said:


> *I wouldn't give her up for the world.* I'd like to think that we are both reasonable partners no matter the disagreement. We'll have a long discussion before the wedding day and if things don't seem to lean on my end of the bargain then we'll both just have to compromise. But I have a feeling I'd do most of the adjusting, LOL. Happy wife, happy life right? :laugh:


Bolded + you also stated that giving her up is not an option = you are screwed. She has you by the balls and you are doomed.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I've heard happy wife, happy life. But a better motto is no wife, exceptional life. 

Look, the only way I've seen relatives living with you working is when they have their own space away from your space. So buy a place with a guesthouse if you plan on letting her mother live with you. And, make sure you have a prenup with this one because you're going to need it.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

hrjackson30 said:


> I wouldn't give her up for the world. I'd like to think that we are both reasonable partners no matter the disagreement. We'll have a long discussion before the wedding day and if things don't seem to lean on my end of the bargain then we'll both just have to compromise. But I have a feeling I'd do most of the adjusting, LOL. Happy wife, happy life right? :laugh:


You mean saw your mother in law in half? So that she can have one-half in your apartment and the other half somewhere else?

There is a heck of a lot more to Filipino culture you need to familiarize yourself with. I am amazed how many people walk so blindly into cross-cultural marriages. 

The "wise sergeant" above only has part of it. Filipino culture is based on extended family reciprocity. I help my uncle harvest rice, and he helps me build my boat. This works wonderfully when it isn't corrupted by an Americano coming in and laying cash down on a family without reciprocal obligations on their part. It teaches them to become con-men and grifters with more sick relatives, dead caribao, and imminent electricity shut-offs than you can dream of.

You buy a kid a basketball uniform without making him work for it and instead of getting thanks you are blamed for not buying basketball uniforms for the entire country. It isn't fair. 

If you let grandma walk into your life without clear obligations you are happy with - it's going to be a nightmare. Just the fact you did it invites an infinity of other trespasses. 

I laid down the law before marriage. I told my mother in law that if we got so much as one phone call or email the first three months that I was sending her daughter back. That was our honeymoon, and if they couldn't leave us in peace on our honeymoon then I knew the rest of the marriage would be a living hell. And I love my extended family dearly. 

You probably have never heard of Tampo and Lambing. When a Filipina is angry she gives you the silent treatment: Tampo. You are supposed to kiss her butt until she stops: Lambing. I told my wife if she pulled that on me I was out of there. I love some things about the culture but other things, like stupid pride, are unacceptable. A mother-in-law from the culture is a conduit for all kinds of things both good and bad. And with two of them in the house you are outvoted on everything. You have already established who wears the pants, and it isn't you. 

Filipinas are great insofar as respecting strong men. In their soap operas, they have men slapping around the women regularly - something you would NEVER see in American shows without the guy being cuffed and sent to jail. I don't support slapping women. But the fact they do tells you how much respect you are going to get being a doormat. 

The "happy wife, happy life" meme has to be taken in the context of men's and women's roles in Filipino society. It more matches traditional pre-feminist marriages in the USA. The happy wife has her place, and that is right behind the husband's decisions. They ARE happy as home-makers, child-bearers, and support units for the husband. 

There are some things in a culture worth emulating and others deserving condemnation. Cannibalism, pedophilia, culling infants, slavery - there's all manner of things to not just reject but to abhor in some cultures. There is a long list of things impossible to compromise on. 

You don't plan the wedding and then work out agreements. It is too late. You work out agreements first, then you plan the wedding. The fact you are doing it in reverse tells me you are going to regret this.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

This is just how they do it in Cebu and even in Hawaii, and I'm sure it usually works out fine there. It's very unusual in American culture, where individualism is sometimes taken to the extreme, at least in comparison to other, more family-oriented cultures. This is one of many culture clashes that you're going to have over the years. It can work fine if you have a large enough house to build two separate residences with separate entries. I'd suggest that this is something you put off for now, while you're newlyweds. But later, when you have kids, you'll be thankful that you have built-in babysitters that take better care of the kids than you do. The children will benefit from a close relationship with Lolo and Lola.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Yeah, I wouldn't want this to happen if it were me. I do understand that it's a cultural thing for her, but it's not for you, and you guys need to meet halfway BEFORE getting married. If not, you're setting yourself up for one helluva ride, and an unhappy life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

hrjackson30 said:


> I wouldn't give her up for the world. I'd like to think that we are both reasonable partners no matter the disagreement. We'll have a long discussion before the wedding day and if things don't seem to lean on my end of the bargain then we'll both just have to compromise. But I have a feeling I'd do most of the adjusting, LOL. H*appy wife, happy life right?* :laugh:


Oh boy...

OP you need to stop planning the wedding and resolve this HUGE issue now. Don't wait until the wedding is all set to go and then do it. This is the kind of thing you agree on before marriage.

It won't stop at her mother either...before you know it your wife's cousins, aunts, uncles will all be "staying" with you. My uncle is married to a Filipino - she's lovely, but she has a biiiiiiiig family. And they're ALWAYS around.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hrjackson30 said:


> I wouldn't give her up for the world. I'd like to think that we are both reasonable partners no matter the disagreement. We'll have a long discussion before the wedding day and if things don't seem to lean on my end of the bargain then we'll both just have to compromise. But I have a feeling I'd do most of the adjusting, LOL. Happy wife, happy life right? :laugh:


Unless her mum is very old and sick and needs looking after, that would be a deal breaker for me. I would never accept that. You would have no privacy and if you had children would you even have room for her as well? Are you prepared to have her life with you for many many years?

A lady I know is dating a man whose parents moved to be near him and into to his house 3 years ago. They were supposed to be getting a place of their own near him but never did. She has told him that she wont be living there with them as well, and he has accepted that, so either the parents will have to get a place of their own, or the 2 of them will have to buy or rent a small place nearby and let his parents stay there if they refuse to move out. I think she is very wise to stand firm. 

For a new marriage or relationship to start with relatives living with them is a bad idea. 
God is very wise when He says that we must leave our father and mother and join to our spouse.

This isn't something you can compromise on, either she lives with you or she doesn't.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> The OP is going to be back here in 2 years crying his heart out........guaranteed


That was exactly what I thought.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Train wreck.... in progress.

There is a fate worse than breaking up—- it’s being used and abused by the person you love.

Do t do it OP. There’s no compromise here.

Personally, I have heard too much to speak without bias. But I think this is a huge mistake.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would talk with her and explain that while you could see her parents frequently, you did not want to leave with them. Indeed my wife had a vision of a large house with everyone and I quashed that. Interestingly when her mom became ill I let her move in with us, (my wife said it was my call which I appreciate) and explained that you only have parents in a home when you have to.


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