# Does the context/meaning of what you say matter?



## Amagran (Apr 15, 2016)

I am having a difficulty with a situation, and I think third party input would be really appreciated here. 

During an evening (with wine flowing), my wife and I were having a good conversation, laughing back and forth on some good topics, and brooding on some recent topics negatively effecting our lives (not related to our relationship at all). 

During a segment of the conversation that had turned to a negative topic, the dog (who is by all means an astonishingly loving dog) came up to us and tried to squeeze in between us. 

Keeping in mind that she had a few glasses of wine, she jokingly started play growling and bit her (light nip) so she wouldn't keep pushing herself between us. That event was markedly silly, and afterwards we continued to joke about it, and here is where the issue lies. 

In an entirely joking sarcastic manner, she called herself a terrible human being, for the fact that she has now bitten her dog more than her dog has ever bitten her (which is zero times). In response, again in a joking sarcastic manner, I said "yes you are a terrible human being by all standards". 

The split off comes here, she turned a 180 and pulled out the phrase "by all standards", claiming that I called her a terrible human being by "all" standards ever, therefor I must actually believe she is a terrible human being. 

Her interpretation of "standards" in this situation are literal standards like the standard of measurement in America, the standard procedure for mathematics, the standard belief that murder is wrong, etc. The "established" standards of America. 

In the context of the conversation (A joking/humorous discussion about a person biting their dog more than it has bitten them), the phrase "by all standards", was meant to tie into the subject of the conversation, a subject of morality. I said it in a joking and ironic manner, mirroring what she had just called herself, and saying that by all moral standards of people biting their pets, she was terrible. 

Does the context of the situation matter at all? Or should that phrase be taken at face value for its literal meaning, rather than its intended meaning? 

Am I in the wrong here? I need to know, so I can fix myself.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

She needs to lighten up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is she often like this?


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Seriously? From an outside perspective, it seems pretty clear that you were just continuing with the joking between you two. I'd say your wife is way out of line on this one.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

No, you aren't in the wrong here. Assuming you don't actually think she's a terrible person. But I think you need to stop talking about it with her. She's not being rationale. And you can't win an argument with someone being irrational.

This is what you do, you tell you are sorry she felt like you were saying the was terrible person. You don't actually think that. But you can't actually continue to have to this conversation because there is no way to resolve this at this time. If after a week, she really thinks it's a big issue you can talk about then. 

And then refuse to engage with her on the topic. Walk out of the room if she brings it up. If a week goes by and she still wants to talk about it, then it's something more serious then what you described. Either something is up with her or there has been something systematic going on between the two of you and it's coming out in weird ways. In that case you need to really figure out what's going on.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

There is more to this, right? Did one of you have an affair in the past or have done something terrible? Addictions?

How is the marriage overall?

If this is unlike her, you touched a nerve that is revealing. There is more here.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think what you said was witty and funny. She overreacted for sure.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I think the alcohol made her hyper sensitive to your comments. I wouldn't sweat it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She probably just feels guilty about biting the dog. Reassure her that she is not a bad person.

Funny, never heard of anyone biting a dog before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

The only issue here is that you are telling us the story. I imagine that your tone was different to your wife, or other things of that nature.

Really, the best solution is to go to her and say, "I am sorry you think I meant you were a terrible person. That was not my intention, my intent was to be funny and continue the joke. Maybe these aren't the types jokes that we should be saying, and I'll definitely remember that for next time. But I am truly sorry if you think I feel that way about you, because I do you rotten annoying little...just kidding!"


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Herschel said:


> The only issue here is that you are telling us the story. I imagine that your tone was different to your wife, or other things of that nature.
> 
> Really, the best solution is to go to her and say, "I am sorry you think I meant you were a terrible person. That was not my intention, my intent was to be funny and continue the joke. Maybe these aren't the types jokes that we should be saying, and I'll definitely remember that for next time. But I am truly sorry if you think I feel that way about you, because I do you rotten annoying little...just kidding!"


I agree...you can acknowledge her hurt without owning it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear.

Your wife may have had a fit of the guilts. Perhaps she thinks you know more about her than you really do?

Perhaps she thinks she is "a terrible human being by all standards?"

If so, why?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Context always matters. Yes, tone, inflection and word choice are important, but context trumps them all IMO. If we have been joking for the last half hour, you are touchy if you get mad because I didn't know you were serious in that 20 second window. She cherry picked something to be angry about. Then again, liquor does weird things to people. I've seen people get angry over things they were joking about earlier in the day or within the same converstaion.


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## Amagran (Apr 15, 2016)

Thank you for the responses, I do appreciate it. 

To Answer some questions, there have not been any affairs by either party, 100% sure about this. Our relationship has been slightly strained recently because of some life circumstances, but we have been good with each other overall. Money is a concern, but when is it not? 

Unfortunately this is not an isolated event, I often find myself backed into a corner where she has "Cherry Picked" parts of a conversation, action or argument and turned it around on me, and "context" doesn't matter. 

I generally don't speak impulsively or if I don't totally recall something, so It often might take me a minute or two to totally recall the situation (unless it just happened), at that point, my arguments are "delusional stories" I made up in my head. Unless I can provide factual evidence then I have almost no chance, maybe a voice activated recorder will help. 

And no, I certainly don't think she is a terrible human being, and I am not the kind of person who would say such a thing to their face. 

One thing that concerns me, is that she isn't taking into consideration the kind of person that I am. She knows me, she knows that I am not that kind of person. But it doesn't matter what I meant when I said it, she opted to take it literally at face value with no contextual foundation. 

I don't know what to do, and I know I'm not crazy. But sometimes she has me questioning myself and my ability to recall memories. Anybody have experience with this type of thing?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might have set you up.

This is not normal behaviour.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Does this only happen after drinking? It would be awful to have to weigh words and measure your reactions to suit her. Ask her if that is what she wants- for you to walk on eggshells and have to think about every comment. Doesn't sound like fun to me!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The fact that you feel that you can't speak freely and that your wife is hyper-vigilant for slights are the real problems. If it continues, she will have a husband who avoid her and communication with her instead of one who seeks her company. She may not realize what she is about to lose. 

Can you talk to her about the basic problem. Not that you didn't mean what she thinks you meant but that not communicating may be safer. As you said she know you and knows you love her. Why would she think you would say things to hurt her? 

Context and intension does matter. Understanding that may help her to loosen up and continue to have a fun and communicative relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Amagran said:


> Thank you for the responses, I do appreciate it.
> 
> To Answer some questions, there have not been any affairs by either party, 100% sure about this. Our relationship has been slightly strained recently because of some life circumstances, but we have been good with each other overall. Money is a concern, but when is it not?
> 
> ...


I have experience with this type of thing. I was in a relationship with a man who had childhood baggage/triggers he chose to not work on. He had hypersensitive triggers... daily mundane ordinary stuff would set him off.... and he would be hurt and offended like this. No amount of talking about the reality of whatever the current issue was worked, he was always going to be the victim. It was constant discord.

It sounds like your wife also makes herself out to be the victim (cherry picking things out of context to be offended by).

It's frustrating. I am of the opinion that this is her problem, and unless and until she wants to change her emotional reactions and behaviors it isn't going to be fixed.

You can change how you react to these situations, though.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The context seems to indicate that you were just going along with the joke. In any event, she should be willing to accept your word that you didn't mean anything by it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think she has some deep seated issues with how she sees herself. This will rear it's ugly head in seemingly innocent situations.

You need to sit down and explain to her that while you understand she may feel insecure and choose to believe you are being nasty when you are not, this is insulting and hurtful and ask her if she really believes you are that type of person, because you don't believe you are and if that's how she sees you, you have some very serious issues you need to work through.

When someone's view of you is skewed to see nasty intent where there is none, it doesn't just damage your relationship with them, it damages your self-image. It's toxic to you. I think your wife needs counselling.


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

Is your wife from a overly dysfunctional family? The reason I ask is because my husband was a carbon copy of your wife and I was left with such a poor self-image after he left me many years ago. He is an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) and our relationship was toxic due to the amount of baggage from his childhood. When I think back ( and this is a lightbulb moment for me), I see now how I felt like damaged goods after every conversation where he would go from 0 to 10 in no time flat and his reactions to me were completely disproportionate to the situation. Wore me down to nothing after many years. What Breeze has said is right on the money. We are back together now and he doesn't do it nearly as often because he has received some therapy for his ACOA behaviours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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