# I'm stuck



## sugarhigh (Sep 1, 2013)

I have been married for 12 years, together for 17. We do not have any children. I am completely in love with him and I have never wavered in that. I have always felt loved and adored by him. We get along well, laugh a lot and enjoy spending time together. We solve family and house issues well. We do argue, like most couples, but it's never been a big screaming match. There has never been any physical violence. We don't even have in-law issues. We love each other's families and spend time with them when we can. I had my future vision in my head and seemed on track for that. A few years ago, I lost my job. I have spent the past 4 years going back to school and working hard to find a job. I get temporary things here and there, but nothing long-term. That was a huge blow to my ego. Two years ago, my sister had her first child. She is younger than me and that was hard to deal with. She now has another little one. I love them more than life, but I deal with jealousy because of it. For awhile now, the only thing that seemed solid was my marriage. My husband has been my rock and very supportive during these tough times. Imagine my surprise when I found out he's been cheating on me our entire time together. I have never had trust issues with him, so I was shocked to find this out. I accidentally stumbled upon the information on Facebook. It took weeks for the whole story to come out and I still don't think I know everything.

Basically, he has had flings on and off over the years. According to him, nothing long-term or serious. However, once I discovered this info, I became a detective. I started snooping in everything. We promised to try to work on things because he says he still loves me and wants to be with me forever. I still had a strange feeling, so I kept monitoring. Sure enough, he started a new affair about a month after we re-committed to each other. I have been to hell and back. I am a complete wreck. I am now in weekly therapy - he won't go. I have a great support system of family and friends who I talk to and spend a lot of time with. I eventually worked up to kicking him out. The problem is that his brother lives with us and he stayed. Having him here was so hard on me because it reminded me that my husband wasn't here. Also, I was not able to maintain the house by myself. So, after a month, my husband came back and we agreed to try an open marriage.

He has continued his relationship with this woman. He works with her and then spends a half hour with her after work each day before coming home. He used to text and call her all the time, but he has stopped that. They meet once or twice a month to have sex. The rest of the time he is with me acting like a normal, loving husband. We continued to have sex up until about 2 weeks ago. I just can't anymore. And it doesn't seem to bother him one bit.

While he is continuing his relationship, I have started several of my own. I have been going on dates and have slept with a few men. I think my husband knows, but he won't say anything. He prefers the don't ask don't tell approach to this. I would rather be open and honest, even though it hurts.

I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking the past 7 months. I am mostly happy in my life as long as I pretend he's not banging some other woman. I am not snooping like I used to, but I am still aware of what is going on. I'm actually enjoying dating other men and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. However, I am slowly starting to see that this is not the life for me. I love him and want only him. I want that to be reciprocated. I've driven myself crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong and I've come to realize it's not me, it's him. He's dysfunctional. I get so upset every time I know he is with her, but I just can't leave. I've already decided that he and his brother will keep the house. I don't want it and can't maintain it by myself. I need to move out. One issue is the fact that I can't financially support myself and I will not let anyone else support me. My family doesn't have money to take care of me. I started a new job this past week that will last for 6 weeks. It has the potential to turn into something more, but I won't know for at least a year. That means that I have to stay with him for a year so I can get myself ready. I just don't know if I can emotionally do that. These past 7 months have been really hard. I've lost 100 pounds, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think. I'm living life, but like I'm in a fog. I'm not really connecting with anyone. I feel like if I do eventually leave him, I will have empty relationships from here on out. I'm 36, so there is time to rebuild a new life. I just don't want to. What's the point? One thing I've learned in all this research is that cheating is VERY common. So, I meet a new guy, give him my heart and go through this all over again. I've seen it happen to friends and family. At least my husband and I have a good relationship aside from his cheating. My friends always envied us because we seemed perfect.

I guess I don't know what questions to ask. There are so many. Should I stay? Should I go? Can I learn to accept this open marriage idea and let go of the jealousy? Is infidelity really a reason to end an otherwise stable, happy marriage? (Many people say it is not.) In the end I know he doesn't want to make a life with her. He had that opportunity when he left for a month. He didn't stay with her at all and continued his normal routine with her. I thought for sure he would run to her, but he didn't. I just don't know if it's better to be married and mostly happy (plus knowing there is stability) or to be single and uncertain about how that will feel. I know in the beginning it will be hard, but everyone says it gets better. I guess I'm just scared of being the little old cat lady who dies alone and no one notices. Yes, I still have my family and friends, but they have their own lives. I don't ever want to depend on another man again and would never get married again, so I would really be alone at the end of the day. I just have so many thoughts and feelings and they're all jumbled in my head and my heart.

I would appreciate any constructive advice. Has anyone ever been through anything like this? Most of the reading talks about recovering after the affair has ended. There isn't much on what has been done in a situation like mine. He refuses to end things with her. He believes life is short and you have to what makes you happy now. Yes, he's having his cake and eating it too, I know. I pray every day that a clear path will present itself to me. I do know that no matter what happens I am an amazing, strong, confident, beautiful woman and I will be fine. It's just I don't know where I am going or how long it will take to get there.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Losing 100 lbs is good, very healthy for you.

Losing your marriage and starting over again will be good for you psychology.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sugarhigh said:


> I have been married for 12 years, together for 17. We do not have any children.* I am completely in love with him and I have never wavered in that. I have always felt loved and adored by him. We get along well, laugh a lot and enjoy spending time together. We solve family and house issues well.* We do argue, like most couples, but it's never been a big screaming match. There has never been any physical violence. We don't even have in-law issues. *We love each other's families and spend time with them when we can*.
> 
> Imagine my surprise when I found out he's been cheating on me our entire time together. I have never had trust issues with him, so I was shocked to find this out. I accidentally stumbled upon the information on Facebook. It took weeks for the whole story to come out and I still don't think I know everything.
> 
> ...


As you grow older, and develop health problems, maybe serious debilitating illnesses, do you think your husband will be there for you? Or will he just do what makes him happy now?

Right now you have a very negative outlook on marriage and relationships, but there are plenty of people, like you, who do not cheat. Even amongst cheaters, there is a huge difference between someone who cheats and is sorry for it and stops and someone who just says "too bad, I am going to cheat, get used to it." There's not many like your husband out there.

I understand how it's hard to give up the fake life you thought you had, how it's easier to pretend, but you are young. There are many who have children in their late 30s and early 40s. Every day people meet and fall in love. If you stay with your husband, you are giving all of that up.

An open marriage is fine if that is what you want, but that is not what you are all about. I get the feeling you will be more and more miserable if you stay in it.

See an attorney and find out what your situation looks like. Don't tell your husband. I'm not saying to screw him over, but do what is best for you and what is fair. What he did to you was not fair.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
First off, not knowing if your job will turn permanent for a year should not keep you from moving out if that is what you want to do. Any job can end at any time. Live in the now as far as your finances go. If you can afford to move out now, and you want to, then do it.

Second, because you love your husband and want him for yourself, you will never be happy in this arrangement. Knowing that he has been cheating on you this whole time and wants the open marriage is a good indicator that he will never, ever, ever, be yours and only yours. It does not appear that you will be able to find the relationship you desire with him again.

Do you have a guest room in your home that one of you can move into until you decide what you want to do? Can you live together but separately?

Thirdly, if you decide to continue to stay, and date, don't try to hide it from him. Get all dressed up, looking good, smelling good, and have your date pick you up at home - then stay out all night.

Finally, please get tested for STD's


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I tend to disagree with your husband. If he cheats on you then yes, it *is* serious.


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## sugarhigh (Sep 1, 2013)

Thank you for the responses. I know in my head you are all correct. My head knows I don't deserve this. My heart is another story and I just can't make it listen to my head.

I have been tested and so has he. I've even been back to be tested again. I also went on the pill since there is no sense bringing a child into this mess.

I do get dressed up and go out all night. I am actually having fun going out and it's helping re-build my self-esteem that was crushed 7 months ago. I do feel better and stronger each day. Some days I love him. Some days I hate him. Some days I don't care at all about him. It's very confusing when my emotions change so frequently.

Everyone says to leave and not worry about not having a job. That's great in theory, but I am a practical girl. Please give me some suggestions on how I would pay rent, buy food and necessities, and pay other bills without income. I'm sure other people have dealt with this and have ideas.

Thanks again for the feedback and for not calling me an idiot.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Don't just give him the house. Make sure you get what's yours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sugarhigh, there is an idiot in your relationship. But it's not you! :smthumbup:


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

One of the problems is that you are actually suffering from bereavement. You are still in the denial stage. The next one is anger. When you reach this you are not going to be able to stand the sight of him. I know you said you go through periods of this now, but it will come in full force and you do not want to be living with him when it does.

Start looking for jobs anywhere in the country. You don't have to worry about selling your home, or having kids in school. You are in a perfect situation to go where ever you want, or can and make a completely fresh start.

You should get at least half of the assets the two of you own. Get what is owed to you - see an attorney, and put them in your own accounts. After 12 years of marriage you should have enough to get started.

Look for a room someone is trying to rent instead of a house or apartment. It will be more affordable to start with. Try looking for a room mate, get a travel trailer and live in it. There are lots of options, you just need to be creative.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sell the house, sue for alimony. Do not be his b!tch. The guy has a great mantra, anytime you have aslightly negative thought say" I deserve good things."

Get an attorney immediately, your husband is a total wack job. Do not go down with him. This time next year he could be a speck in your rear view mirror. You will have a good time dating and finding a real man.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Being "stuck" is a state of mind. You may be only as stuck as you decide you are.

You say "I still have my family and friends" and yet you also say "I will not let anyone else support me." Why do you rule that out and impose this kind of being "stuck" on yourself? 

Probably close to a third of everyone your age is living or has lived with their parents at some time since graduating from high school or college (people in their 20's and 30's), so that's not unusual - why should you be too proud to do it too? A tiny bedroom or even a closet with a mattress thrown into it (yes, I've seen that done when it was necessary) will do when you have little or no money but a parent or grandparent or aunt or friend is willing to let you move in until you have enough income of your own to get your own place. That's certainly preferable to the kind of indignity you're subjected to now!

And you are obviously not thinking clearly when you say you will "let" your husband and his brother "have" the house - if it's owned and not rented, this is a marital asset and if you've been cooking and cleaning and doing any gardening these last few years that you were unemployed, you have EARNED your half share of this valuable asset!! When you talk to a divorce attorney, you will find out that if he wants to stay there, unless your mortgage is really underwater, your husband will have to either buy your share of the house from you (if there's any savings) or the house will be sold and you'll split the money between you. You don't just "give" him something that's worth thousands of dollars like that when you divide up the marital property. You need that money to get yourself started.

A little room, some money, and having your DIGNITY is a great place to start. You may even have better luck finding work because you'll be feeling a lot better about yourself. Your self-esteem will continue to suffer in the current situation. It's taking a terrible toll, and the sooner you get out, the better. A tiny room where you don't get the daily dose of disrespect would be much preferable to the life you're leading now. You can't envision much of a future because you're too depressed, living like this (who wouldn't be?). You will be able to see a brighter tomorrow when you're out from under this awful "arrangement."


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

hopefulgirl said:


> Being "stuck" is a state of mind. You may be only as stuck as you decide you are.
> 
> You say "I still have my family and friends" and yet you also say "I will not let anyone else support me." Why do you rule that out and impose this kind of being "stuck" on yourself?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You agreed to something you are not comfortable. Your husband is left off the hook, gets you involved in his life style and now what?

You don't like it.

Go back to square one, where you caught your husband cheating, and start again dealing with his BS. He has already told you he will not stop. He has moved on.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

sugarhigh said:


> *While he is continuing his relationship, I have started several of my own. I have been going on dates and have slept with a few men. I think my husband knows, but he won't say anything. He prefers the don't ask don't tell approach to this. I would rather be open and honest, even though it hurts.*




Let me make this clear I don't condemn you for going out with other men heck if I were you I would come home one morning walking bow legged and when he asked me what was wrong I would say last night I hooked up with a guy who had the biggest c0ck I have ever seen and I am sore as hell not used to sleeping with someone that well endowed. Or sleep with his brother.

Anyhow in my opinion by going out with other men you have accepted his open marriage proposal even if you don't like the idea you will never be able to get the genie back into the bottle in your marriage. Perhaps swallow your pride stick it out until you can get things worked out then divorce his butt and get half of everything and along the way make him suffer some for HIS decision.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is horrible that you are having this experience. I think you should tell your husband that you are getting emotionally attached to three different guys and that you are trying to figure out which one is the one. They rock your world like never before. You should use one of your husband's credit cards to discuss your options with an attorney. I would not suffer for this for a year until you have a stable job. Sometimes you think you have a stable job and it can be gone. I would focus on yourself and do things to make you happy. Take care of yourself, no one else is watching out for you, especially your husband. What does his brother and his family think about his affairs? Have you told them?


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## sugarhigh (Sep 1, 2013)

Thanks everyone for all the advice. Many of you make perfect sense! I'm doing ok. I started a short-term position that could turn into more. Being really busy with work has really helped. I have continued to date, nothing serious. I think I am starting to get the anger stage. The thought of seeing him or talking to him makes me sick. I can't even stand his brother right now. Yes, his brother and his family know everything and are completely embarrassed and think he is the biggest idiot on the planet. They actually know the woman he is cheating with and have a very low opinion of her. 5 kids, 5 daddies, 5 divorces. Yeah, she's a winner. They can't stand her. My therapist has been very helpful at working through some things. I'm starting to feel stronger and more sure of myself. I'm also starting to envision my future without him. Most days are good. I stay busy and surround myself with strong, positive people. I've even started looking at places to move to. I know we will have to divide our assets at some point, but I plan on leaving this house before the paperwork can be finished. I would love to take his credit card and charge it up, but we have everything joint, so it's my money too. I'm working really hard at getting unstuck. It's just so hard to accept that it's over. Most of the time I feel like it is, but I just can't accept it 100%. My friend's husband cheated and she eventually divorced him. She told me she just woke up one day and knew it was the right thing to do. I feel like all the pieces will fall into place, job, housing, attorney, everything and it'll happen when the time is right. In the meantime, I am saving up and spending as much time away from him as possible. I do appreciate everything you all have said and I know one day everything will be as it is meant to.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Good to hear how you are doing. It will take time, and with time, it will get better.


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