# Going through the same ****...but across the pond



## chiksam (May 4, 2012)

Morning all...

I kick around on this site quite a bit and I have to say it has been really helpful to me to read your thoughts, experiences, and advice.

I'm from the UK and I'm currently going through separation. So what's my story? No different to many, many people on here really. In fact, I'm amazed at the predictability of how much of this stuff seems to play out.

My story? Well, wife and I married seven years ago. We met in Moscow (I lived and worked there...she is Russian)...we came back to the UK. We start a life. She has ambitions to create a new career for herself. After a few years, we have our son...he is three. She starts a full-time university degree in London (we live 90 mins away) when our son is one. When she starts her degree, I feel like I'm "juggling" looking after our son, working full time (I'm a "college professor" as you guys would call it), paying all the bills...things get very strained. For some reason I develop a panic disorder out of nowhere...makes things even more strained...but things (somehow) keep going until she's done two years of uni.

By the end of the two years of her course...we are at breaking point. I am resenting her because it seems I'm the only one holding this family together while she's focusing almost obsessively on her degree and her plans. I'm cool with that...but want to FEEL like our family comes first. We moved five times since being back in the UK...she never liked where we were...she was starting to want to move to London...and I again was feeling pressured to oblige. She is resenting me because she feels like I'm not supporting her (I AM but I'm doing it in a resentful way...I'm angry with her inside)....she feels like I'm not doing enough round the house...and that I'm distant. 

Then...boom...things explode...as they were always going to do. She tells me she's had enough...and all kinds of **** comes pouring out. Initially, we agree we'll try to work on things...and we know it will be hard. We consider counselling...we begin what seems like a long process.

Then...a day into this, she comes home...very, very horny...wanting sex in all sorts of ways. I wasn't feeling it...we had been so distant...she had been so cold...I had felt so numb...this didn't feel right and I just couldn't oblige. She suddenly does a u-turn and wants to say we are separated from...NOW. It's like she has a stopwatch and she's waiting to begin the period of separation. I'm bewildered and emotonally devastated. 

Then, the "trickle truth" starts coming out. She has not been happy in the sack for a long time...says it's all about MY needs. Funnily, she never once communicated any of this to me in 7 years???! WTF? Says she has met another guy...he asked her for her number...she gave it...she has started screwing him....but it's "OK" because all of this happened just after she had lowered the flag to begin the separation period...so I should be fine with that...right? Well I'm feckin NOT...

She suddenly decides she's moving out, Finds a flat on the 15th floor in a rough area of London...doesn't seem to be thinking of our son at all...doesn't seem to be thinking AT ALL. Running on feck knows what. Fuelled by feck knows what. Thing is, she has to live with me for two months until this all begins. 

So...for two months she lives here. Commuting to London to screw this guy, chatting with him on our computer, rubbing salt in my wounds. At first, I try to get some sense out of her. But all I get is a barrage of my shortcomings...she was not happy in the sack, I did not do X, did not make her feel Y...and so on. I KILL myself over this...wrestle with self-hatred and self blame for weeks...and still am. As time goes by I get some perspective and see that she is overcompensating to justify why what she's doing is "right."

I maintain that we could work this out...I make that clear. She ummms and ahhhs about it...but never commits. I start taking our son to his Gma's on weekends to get some space. But always have to come back to her...uggghh. The first few weeks I'm a mess...then I get it together and soldier on for me son...still making it clear though...that I think this could work if we gave it a shot. She says:

In the bedroom it can't work...if I'm not satisfied then I'm not satisfied...and I can't talk about why to you??? WTF? She doesn't think that in a mutual, adult relationship a husband and wife MIGHT be able to improve their life in the sack by talking and opening up to each other? She's effectively saying "I didn't like what we did in the sack...not telling you why or how...not giving you the chance to build that bond with me...just fecking off and finding it elsewhere" - now I took that as a kick in the nuts...maybe I'm missing something though?

So...because it's easier for HER...she hangs about for two months...no real worries about how this is for ME...she is better off and more comfortable that way. I ask her to move out to a friend's place...get out of my face...she threatens me by saying she'll have to take our son too...and I wouldn't be a great Dad if I sanctioned that. And our son? Initially, she wants to drag him into hell with her...but I'm not having that...I stand me ground and in the end she agrees that it's in his best interests that we go 50/50 - and when he starts school he will go with me during school and be with her at weekends. I'm AMAZED at the ease with which she agrees to this...but then I was always worried about the fact that I often felt her own career and needs came before his. In her shoes, I'd have tried to make this as seamless as possible for him.

Make no mistake...I'm broken here. A couple of times she has thrown me a sort of hint that she "might" see a possible future for us. But I am still facing the ILYBNILWY stuff, the I don't see how we can work on this stuff...there seems to be a "list" of items I would need to attend to. She sometimes calls and is very tearful about things...realising she's gonna miss our family (and maybe even ME). She also said that we can try marriage counselling after we have been apart for a week or two. But I'm not sure where I stand here guys. How can we go to marriage counselling if she's still seeing another guy? I don't get that? Isn't the point that counselling is a committment to work on our marriage...which can't be done when 3 people are involved? She seems to react fearfully when it feels to her like I'm done with it and I don't understand her. I really don't know what to do here and I'm asking for advice I guess. Do I give up on this woman? Do I see if I can make this work...if so, how? WTF do I do? She moves out for good on Monday...I'm taking my son away for the weekend so we don't have to witness this. It will be VERY VERY hard for my wife to survive on her own and I'm wondering if some sort of reality check might occur.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Where is she getting money? Cut that off immediately. Stop funding her cheating.

Find the OM and expose him nd her. 

Get a lawyer so she can't remove your child. Then begin divorce and contact your immigration people, she likely needs you to stay in the UK.

You've begged bd pleaded, now it's time to show her your tough side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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