# Men, do you look at porn categories that you have no interest in?



## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

Do you ever look at porn that is of something you’d never actually be into? More than rarely? 

For separate-ish reasons, I have been watching my husband’s internet history for a year and a half, he usually uses incognito for porn (and whatever else) but sometimes slips up. The same two “types” of porn has been popping up now and then. One is whatever and non-bothersome (Asian). The other is not at all expected and seeing as we have issues in our sex life it concerns me a bit. When I’ve brought up the topic he has zero interest, except for one occasion that has never repeated but he pushed for quite strongly that day.

I’ve looked at porn that I’d never in a million years do, or things are more fantasy but I wouldn’t actually do. So I know that can be the case, but I’m just not sure and he has zero interest in talking about it. He says he has no fantasies, which I’m not sure I believe. I know he partook in the activity with another woman at least once before, he has never said whether he enjoy it or not - which I think I should assume means he did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Porn it porn. People look it for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's just the shock value I think. 

Maybe tell him your fantasies and see if it open's him up about his.


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

He does know my fantasies, even though they are things he'd never be into. He's never told me his though. The idea has sort of been hinted about, maybe. When asked directly he is totally against it. I don't want him to be filling that need somewhere else, or at risk of it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

wonderingwife2 said:


> Do you ever look at porn that is of something you’d never actually be into? More than rarely?
> 
> For separate-ish reasons, I have been watching my husband’s internet history for a year and a half, he usually uses incognito for porn (and whatever else) but sometimes slips up. The same two “types” of porn has been popping up now and then. One is whatever and non-bothersome (Asian). The other is not at all expected and seeing as we have issues in our sex life it concerns me a bit. When I’ve brought up the topic he has zero interest, except for one occasion that has never repeated but he pushed for quite strongly that day.
> 
> I’ve looked at porn that I’d never in a million years do, or things are more fantasy but I wouldn’t actually do. So I know that can be the case, but I’m just not sure and he has zero interest in talking about it. He says he has no fantasies, which I’m not sure I believe. I know he partook in the activity with another woman at least once before, he has never said whether he enjoy it or not - which I think I should assume means he did.




Yes. You never know what you might find. Also old habits could change...
Problem is porn gets really boring after a while.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/ 

Curious now - what's this porn he's watching...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

wonderingwife2 said:


> He does know my fantasies, even though they are things he'd never be into. He's never told me his though. The idea has sort of been hinted about, maybe. When asked directly he is totally against it. I don't want him to be filling that need somewhere else, or at risk of it.




What’s the fantasy? Some of them work better/only in our imagination/porn and better left out of reality (anything to do with multiple partners for example).
If otherwise you are happy about your sex life I would not worry too much what porn he watches. If there are problems, then it’s a different issue.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

For porn to be arousing to me, it needs to be realistically obtainable for my wife and I. Usually this would be a couple who are very comfortable with each other enjoying each other. Typically the women would be not skinny, but quite curvy and looking good in the 40s or 50s. They might be wearing fine lingerie before engaging with a man, maybe enjoying themselves or just teasing (doesn't need to be hardcore). Scenes involving multiple partners look contrived and anyway, would not be on our agenda. I've only ever viewed one DP scene where all three seemed to actually enjoy it and these were all very fit and supple participants.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

I think the majority of women I know socially have quite readily revealed they have read the 50 Shades trilogy or seen the film. I might be a bit naive here but I am guessing a sizeable minority (at least) who enjoy this material do not actually want the type of sex portrayed enacted.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

wonderingwife2 said:


> Do you ever look at porn that is of something you’d never actually be into? More than rarely?
> 
> For separate-ish reasons, I have been watching my husband’s internet history for a year and a half, he usually uses incognito for porn (and whatever else) but sometimes slips up. The same two “types” of porn has been popping up now and then. One is whatever and non-bothersome (Asian). The other is not at all expected and seeing as we have issues in our sex life it concerns me a bit. When I’ve brought up the topic he has zero interest, except for one occasion that has never repeated but he pushed for quite strongly that day..


Sounds like you have "separate- ish" issues in the marriage that compel you to keep track of his online activities and the porn( some of which is ok with you)
Is just a piece of a struggling marriage pie.

If he pushed for you two to engage in his porn fantasy and you obliged- why do you think it was dropped with YOU after that one experience?

It sounds from your post that you are fairly sexually open to sharing and acting out with your spouse.

Are you in IC? If not- might be beneficial for you.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I may click a thing or two out of curiosity, but the only stuff I use to get off is the stuff that I have interest in.


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

A bit more information....

We've been together for 7 years. Our sex life isn't good, we're both to blame for that. 

The porn that he's been watching isn't group sex or anything unattainable. Technically him and I could do it. I can't say it's something that I ever fantasize about. We never have done it together, but he has done it at least once with an ex of his - who he (at least) an emotional affair with. He tried to get me to do it once, a couple months ago, but I wasn't expecting it and couldn't do it.

He does have the typical two women fantasy (though he's never talked about it like a fantasy), and he'd do it if I was on board. He's done it in the past, again, with the ex.

If we didn't have any issues then this isn't something that I'd worry about. We do have issues, in our marriage and sex life, so I am worrying about it. I wonder if he's cheating again, maybe going further or maybe he went further before. Or if he'll ever be happy with me, or be open enough to talk to me about it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

wonderingwife2 said:


> A bit more information....
> 
> We've been together for 7 years. Our sex life isn't good, we're both to blame for that.
> 
> ...



I think the fact that he has cheated on you and that you are now worried (who wouldn't be) about living up to his sexual expectations, needs, wants and desires is going to suck the lifeblood out of you.

Guess what- he does not deserve for you to spend a nano second on worrying about him and his penis.

He lost That expectation when he cheated on you.

He had the affair and is still surfing porn.

Yep- any woman would feel inadequate.

Tell me- how does a marriage NOT have issues when there are 3 people in it( the mistress) ?

What is the porn? Everybody here has heard it all.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I’m guessing it’s anal but if I were you, I would explain that you both need to get the “regular” sex figured out and mutually satisfying for you both and THEN maybe you can try something more. 

IF you get there, there are many products and methods to make it enjoyable and more attainable. 

I would never let a man go there if he hasn’t figured out and taken time with my vagina first 


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m guessing it’s anal but if I were you, I would explain that you both need to get the “regular” sex figured out and mutually satisfying for you both and THEN maybe you can try something more.
> 
> IF you get there, there are many products and methods to make it enjoyable and more attainable.
> 
> ...


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I’m advising to get their relationship and intimacy together before proceeding into something more. And only if that is within her boundaries, which it sounds as if she is willing to do under the right circumstances. 

If she has a previous thread, I have not read it. 


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

sandcastle;18722114) said:


> I think the fact that he has cheated on you and that you are now worried (who wouldn't be) about living up to his sexual expectations, needs, wants and desires is going to suck the lifeblood out of you.
> 
> Guess what- he does not deserve for you to spend a nano second on worrying about him and his penis.
> 
> ...


We have been trying to work on our marriage and at some point I have to let it go of we're going to be happy and move on. The affair started in 2013, and was on and off. It wasn't physical, but I sometimes feel like that was due to lack of opportunity not lack of desire. The final ending was this July. I found out about it 4 times, each time he blew it off until theast time. He doesn't have contact with her now, that I know of. If we are going to be happily married then our sex life is important. He has been bale to be more open with another woman than me, and I hate that.

He uses porn because we barely have sex. The last time was at least a month ago. Partly my fault, partly his. I haven't been putting in the effort to try, and neither has he because I'm not. 

The porn he has been watching is anal play on the man. Fingers, toys, strap ons (pegging? I think it's called. This is the majority of what he watches). And venturing more into the bdsm/dominatrix side of things, with the man being submissive. It's awkward for me to talk about. 

Towards the beginning of our relationship (before marriage) he mentioned that he wasn't opposed to the woman being the dominant one. I was in my late teens when we met and had only slept with one man once, so it didn't really mean anything to me.

This is something that he's been into for (by my estimation) 19 years. He started dating the ex when he was 15, and she's also the first person he had sex with. He was with her for a few years and on and off afterwards. He said he was a teenager when he "experimented once" with butt play on him. He also said it was the ex's idea and he just went along with it. No idea if that's true.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m advising to get their relationship and intimacy together before proceeding into something more. And only if that is within her boundaries, which it sounds as if she is willing to do under the right circumstances.
> 
> If she has a previous thread, I have not read it.
> 
> ...


She said it all in her 2 posts in this thread.

Somebody needs something inserted in their anus ( if in fact this is what this deprived, cheating husband so desperately needs and wants)and it is NOT the OP.

He cheated and is surfing porn.


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m guessing it’s anal but if I were you, I would explain that you both need to get the “regular” sex figured out and mutually satisfying for you both and THEN maybe you can try something more.
> 
> IF you get there, there are many products and methods to make it enjoyable and more attainable.
> 
> ...


Half right? We've done normal anal a few times, 2-3. He's not into it and never has been. Which kind of confuses me, but that's the least of my concerns.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

It sounds to me like there is a major communication breakdown. OP...you guys need to work on that before anything else or these issues will be the end of it all. 


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

Elizabeth001 said:


> It sounds to me like there is a major communication breakdown. OP...you guys need to work on that before anything else or these issues will be the end of it all.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I know that we have communication problems. It is something that we've been trying to work on. When we were trying to fix our sex life the therapist said to talk about our fantasies, whether we'd do them or not. I did, which was very uncomfortable at the time, and he still didn't say a word. When I've asked him about the porn he either says he never watches the category or if I say I found a video he says it was an ad or popup. That site doesn't do ads like that and it was surrounded by other videos. He also use to watch them at work, he worked alone at the time and it was much more frequent (phone history). He hides his browsing more on his computer than phone. I've straight up asked if he's into it, and he says absolutely not. Maybe that's true? I don't know if I'm worrying over something or over nothing. If I'm not what he wants sexually, then why even bother anymore. Or if he won't communicate his needs then I don't know where to go from here.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

wonderingwife2 said:


> We have been trying to work on our marriage and at some point I have to let it go of we're going to be happy and move on. The affair started in 2013, and was on and off. It wasn't physical, but I sometimes feel like that was due to lack of opportunity not lack of desire. The final ending was this July. I found out about it 4 times, each time he blew it off until theast time. He doesn't have contact with her now, that I know of. If we are going to be happily married then our sex life is important. He has been bale to be more open with another woman than me, and I hate that.
> 
> He uses porn because we barely have sex. The last time was at least a month ago. Partly my fault, partly his. I haven't been putting in the effort to try, and neither has he because I'm not.
> 
> The porn he has been watching is anal play on the man. Fingers, toys, strap ons (pegging? I think it's called. This is the majority of what he watches). And venturing more into the bdsm/dominatrix side of things, with the man being submissive. It's awkward for me to talk about.



Well-

You get decide if the cheating is something you can get over( and don't get blamed for that giant character flaw) and the pegging fetish is something you can be happily engaged in and married to.

If it is awkward for you to talk about- you have a quite a bit to overcome to live and love it.

I'm truly sorry that you are going through this.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

wonderingwife2 said:


> Do you ever look at porn that is of something you’d never actually be into? More than rarely?
> 
> For separate-ish reasons, I have been watching my husband’s internet history for a year and a half, he usually uses incognito for porn (and whatever else) but sometimes slips up. The same two “types” of porn has been popping up now and then. One is whatever and non-bothersome (Asian). The other is not at all expected and seeing as we have issues in our sex life it concerns me a bit. When I’ve brought up the topic he has zero interest, except for one occasion that has never repeated but he pushed for quite strongly that day.
> 
> I’ve looked at porn that I’d never in a million years do, or things are more fantasy but I wouldn’t actually do. So I know that can be the case, but I’m just not sure and he has zero interest in talking about it. He says he has no fantasies, which I’m not sure I believe. I know he partook in the activity with another woman at least once before, he has never said whether he enjoy it or not - which I think I should assume means he did.




Whatever it is he is probably ashamed to talk about his interests with you “because” he is afraid you will look at him in a negative way. When you spend a lot of time looking at porn you tend to push the envelope (does that make sense)
I once had a online fling with a woman in another state and she was into what I would call kinky sex. This woman suggested something that became a fantasy for me I approached my wife and she flat refused, since then I never bring that up but do fantasize about it and it has taken a bit of a toll on how much I enjoy sex because this fantasy gets is in my head. If I actually tried it there is a good chance I wouldn’t like it. Truth is I am not obsessed enough with the fantasy to go outside my marriage to realize it.....hope this makes sense to you


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> wonderingwife2 said:
> 
> 
> > We have been trying to work on our marriage and at some point I have to let it go of we're going to be happy and move on. The affair started in 2013, and was on and off. It wasn't physical, but I sometimes feel like that was due to lack of opportunity not lack of desire. The final ending was this July. I found out about it 4 times, each time he blew it off until theast time. He doesn't have contact with her now, that I know of. If we are going to be happily married then our sex life is important. He has been bale to be more open with another woman than me, and I hate that.
> ...


We have kids together. If we didn't I think I would have left him when I first caught him. He probably would have left too though, back then he said he only stayed because of our kids and felt stuck. He doesn't say that anymore. They are a huge part of our life and I need to take them into consideration. I don't want to hurt my kids because of something their dad did or because something makes me uncomfortable.

Can someone learn to enjoy or at least do something they previously didn't? At least sometimes? How do I bring this up with him again so he'll open up to me?


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

David51 said:


> wonderingwife2 said:
> 
> 
> > Do you ever look at porn that is of something you’d never actually be into? More than rarely?
> ...


I hope he's the same and hasn't gone outside of the marriage physically to experiment with it. I don't know if I believe that or not. He has this fetish that he hides from me, our sex life suffers and isn't good enough for him, and he has an emotional affair with the one woman he's done the fetish with. Reading between the lines... I'm trying really hard to trust him, and her. 

He does look at porn often, but from what I've seen he sticks to Asian, girl on girl and the other one. Do you think about that fantasy a lot during sex? Do you enjoy sex at all or rush through it? He either has no interest (when with others he was having sex daily or multiple times daily and twice in a row), or it lasts about 1 minute then he gets up and leaves.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

wonderingwife2 said:


> I hope he's the same and hasn't gone outside of the marriage physically to experiment with it. I don't know if I believe that or not. He has this fetish that he hides from me, our sex life suffers and isn't good enough for him, and he has an emotional affair with the one woman he's done the fetish with. Reading between the lines... I'm trying really hard to trust him, and her.
> 
> He does look at porn often, but from what I've seen he sticks to Asian, girl on girl and the other one. Do you think about that fantasy a lot during sex? Do you enjoy sex at all or rush through it? He either has no interest (when with others he was having sex daily or multiple times daily and twice in a row), or it lasts about 1 minute then he gets up and leaves.



To be honest (and sorry if this sounds insensitive) but it is possible his fetish relates more to the woman he cheated with rather than the fetish itself. (Clue was that he does not seem that interested doing it with you but he did it with her). That’s why I feel there’s not much you can do. 
I think you might be worried that if you don’t do it for him, he might be more likely to cheat. It’s possible but the reasoning might be the other way around (he might be fantasising about the other woman). I may be wrong. 
I’m very sorry it is such a terrible situation to be in. Life is never the same when someone betrays your trust like this and you never look at the person the same way again.

How old are the kids? It is possible they will understand why the marriage broke down eventually and if it is torturous to stay with him, leaving/getting out of the situation eventually might be something worth considering.

Regarding general sex life: was it always bad? Was it incompatibility or something else? (Bad sex life is not an excuse to cheat but unfortunately it seems to happen a lot from reading these boards, at least more so with men. It’s appalling.)


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I have just read your posts a bit more carefully: has he actually also physically cheated?
EAs are definitely also not ok but not in the same category as a physical betrayal. (More grey zones in an EA).
It seems there are a lot of trust issues and those make you quite insecure (rightly so).
I think you should try to find a way to verify whether he has physically cheated on you. Then you can decide if it’s worth it fighting for it. (Then I would seriously consider counselling).
However if he’s sleeping with someone behind your back, any attempts will be pointless.
Hope you manage to resolve it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

wonderingwife2 said:


> We have been trying to work on our marriage and at some point I have to let it go of we're going to be happy and move on. The affair started in 2013, and was on and off. It wasn't physical, but I sometimes feel like that was due to lack of opportunity not lack of desire. The final ending was this July. I found out about it 4 times, each time he blew it off until theast time. He doesn't have contact with her now, that I know of. If we are going to be happily married then our sex life is important. He has been bale to be more open with another woman than me, and I hate that.
> 
> He uses porn because we barely have sex. The last time was at least a month ago. Partly my fault, partly his. I haven't been putting in the effort to try, and neither has he because I'm not.
> 
> ...



If it wasn’t physical (and you know this 100%) then different advice applies. 
The past can haunt us and it is not straightforward or easy if you know that there was another woman who he was more open with (both emotionally and sexually). 
It can leave one feeling very insecure.
If you know he’s also not in touch with her anymore (and it has to be his first commitment) then I think you have a good chance for success.
The next step would be to address the ‘not so good’ sex life. And how to communicate to each other to make it better.
What is the reason for it, in your opinion? Lack of physical attraction or something else? 


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

[QUOTE=wonderingwife2;He either has no interest (when with others he was having sex daily or multiple times daily and twice in a row), or it lasts about 1 minute then he gets up and leaves.[/


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

wonderingwife2 said:


> We have kids together. If we didn't I think I would have left him when I first caught him. He probably would have left too though, back then he said he only stayed because of our kids and felt stuck. He doesn't say that anymore. They are a huge part of our life and I need to take them into consideration. I don't want to hurt my kids because of something their dad did or because something makes me uncomfortable.
> 
> Can someone learn to enjoy or at least do something they previously didn't? At least sometimes? How do I bring this up with him again so he'll open up to me?




Yes, my wife enjoys doing things with me she previously didn’t think she would enjoy. Some of those things she seems to enjoy even more than me nowadays. It’s not because I don’t enjoy them anymore just that I like variety and move on from one thing to another, after I have tried it. Once you experienced a fantasy and it becomes reality, you maybe want to try something else.
In any case, for him to open up with you, you basically have to talk to him (sounds easy I know). And explain that you are keen for your sex life to improve and try new things with him (if that’s what you actually want to do).
And then to actually have more sex in general. His porn usage will most likely go down significantly plus you will have a happier/healthier marriage overall.
You can schedule sex mentally (if it’s difficult to do it spontaneously) - this really works. Eventually it will become something you both will be looking forward to (ideally. That’s what happened in my marriage and it’s really amazing how much better things are with just a tweak in the sex schedule). Some men find it extremely difficult/impossible to ask for sex and some women may never realise how miserable their husband is without it (and what a big deal this is to him). And because neither talk to each other about it they begin to resent each other. Best to break the circle before it occurs.
Anyway, this is all provided he is actually physically faithful to you.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Something else I picked up in your post when you said that you would have left him if it wasn’t for the kids: is it because of the fetish or because of the correspondence with the other woman or because of something else?
It felt like a pretty strong statement. Would you be able to say that you really love your husband of there weren’t trust issues?
Maybe writing about what happened and what type of EA he had (what kinds of things were said that hurt you or your marriage etc) might be helpful to get a clearer picture.
EAs are tricky beasts and every single one is different; ranging from having a friend to confide in to making plans escaping together. Just because they were together in the past doesn’t mean your husband would choose her over you. Maybe they were together and he felt he couldn’t have more than a friendship with her.


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> To be honest (and sorry if this sounds insensitive) but it is possible his fetish relates more to the woman he cheated with rather than the fetish itself. (Clue was that he does not seem that interested doing it with you but he did it with her). That’s why I feel there’s not much you can do.
> I think you might be worried that if you don’t do it for him, he might be more likely to cheat. It’s possible but the reasoning might be the other way around (he might be fantasising about the other woman). I may be wrong.
> I’m very sorry it is such a terrible situation to be in. Life is never the same when someone betrays your trust like this and you never look at the person the same way again.
> 
> ...


I really don't want to think about him fantasizing about her... Especially if it's when we are having sex, or when he's watching porn. I know men think about other women and that's normal, but for him he took it beyond a fantasy. I don't enjoy feeling like she is still apart of our life. If he is fantasizing about the other woman, wouldn't that make him more likely to physically cheat - with her? 

Our son is 4 and our daughters are 2 months. They are so young and wouldn't be able to understand what is going on. For my girls, they'd never know any different which is a pro and a con. On one hand they'd have no memory of this time and they wouldn't suffer in the present time. On the other hand, they would never know their intact family. My son is 4, and he'd obviously know that something is going on but wouldn't understand it. He is a momma's boy and prefers me 99.98% of the time. The thought of forcing him to go to his dad's house makes me break down crying. It's not like we're totally miserable and hate each other. We don't fight in front of the kids. I don't know if I could say that I love him right now, I use to. If I have to sacrifice a bit to make my kids happy, I'd do that. 

With a quick timeline... We got together in January 2011. We didn't have sex until May 2012, I wanted to wait for a couple reasons (neither of us are religious). Our relationship was fine during that time, it was really good actually. There was a couple hiccups on his side, but overall we were really happy. Introduced sex and we were still fine, the sex was frequent and we both enjoyed it. We were having sex usually once a day, or a few times a week. We never had sex more than once in a row, though he did with his ex's. He couldn't get another erection - for me, whatever. In 2013 I had our son. I don't know what came first, the birth of our son, the start of his emotional affair or our sex life going to ****. They were around the same time. After our son was born our sex life went non-existent. I had a rough delivery and was in excruciating pain for the first 4 months (could barely move let alone have sex). I was in pain for the first year postpartum and sex was unbearable, we didn't have sex at all until I was 10 months postpartum, and it was probably once maybe twice. About the time our son turned 2 things started getting a bit better for me, but he lost desire to have sex with me over those 2 years. We started having sex more, a few times a month at most. And that's how it has sat, having sex 1-3x a month or less. 1-2x is probably more accurate. Our relationship started getting better in 2016, the sex was the same but we were getting along better I felt better about him, we decided to get pregnant again. Things were pretty good until I found out the affair was back on. 

He has given me his reasons for the affair, which are what you'd probably expect to hear.


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> I have just read your posts a bit more carefully: has he actually also physically cheated?
> EAs are definitely also not ok but not in the same category as a physical betrayal. (More grey zones in an EA).
> It seems there are a lot of trust issues and those make you quite insecure (rightly so).
> I think you should try to find a way to verify whether he has physically cheated on you. Then you can decide if it’s worth it fighting for it. (Then I would seriously consider counselling).
> ...


He hasn't physically cheated, on me, that I know of. He promised that he only met with her once, hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. She had a similar story when I confronted her. She lives about 90 minutes away, a few hours with traffic. After being lied to, told I was crazy and all the secrecy I do struggle to believe him. Most days I feel like I can trust what he's saying, but not every day. Today is one of those days, I feel like I will never know for sure. He has physically cheated before, just not on me.


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> If it wasn’t physical (and you know this 100%) then different advice applies.
> The past can haunt us and it is not straightforward or easy if you know that there was another woman who he was more open with (both emotionally and sexually).
> It can leave one feeling very insecure.
> If you know he’s also not in touch with her anymore (and it has to be his first commitment) then I think you have a good chance for success.
> ...


I touched on why our sex life went to **** a couple posts up, but I can add a bit more. In the beginning of our relationship he was definitely attracted to me and we had no issues. He has a "type" and I fit into that mould. When I was pregnant for the first time his attraction towards me was obliterated. He doesn't find pregnant women attractive, finds them unattractive actually. He didn't make rude comments (on purpose at least) but he totally stopped complimenting me and touching me. After our son was born the compliments started again. When we were trying to get pregnant the second time I wasn't ovulating and took fertility medication, gained a bit of weight (10lb). To my husband that is a lot. When I got pregnant again, the compliments stopped and he took a dip in how much physical contact we had. It was better than the first time... I went into the hospital at 16 weeks and was put on steroids to stimulate my appetite, but they also made me pack on a ton of weight/retention (30lb in 2 weeks), I gained almost 80lb that pregnancy and obviously don't have my body back now. My girls are two months old. I weigh 141 right now, was 110 previously. So is my husband fully attracted to me right now? No. He says he is, but he doesn't look at me the same and it doesn't sound as sincere. 

So it's a combination of the two things (at least).


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Something else I picked up in your post when you said that you would have left him if it wasn’t for the kids: is it because of the fetish or because of the correspondence with the other woman or because of something else?
> It felt like a pretty strong statement. Would you be able to say that you really love your husband of there weren’t trust issues?
> Maybe writing about what happened and what type of EA he had (what kinds of things were said that hurt you or your marriage etc) might be helpful to get a clearer picture.
> EAs are tricky beasts and every single one is different; ranging from having a friend to confide in to making plans escaping together. Just because they were together in the past doesn’t mean your husband would choose her over you. Maybe they were together and he felt he couldn’t have more than a friendship with her.
> ...


I didn't say it because of the fetish. If he can't be happy with me if we don't do that, or if I can't do it, then that would be another issue. But I didn't say it because of the fetish. It's because of the other woman. Then again, if we didn't have kids he may never have started it at all. For just me and him, it doesn't seem worth it to fight for. For my kids it does. 

Right now if I had to take a lie detector test and was asked do I love my husband I would hesitate and my honest answer would probably be "I don't know". Which is really a no, because there is no I don't know in love. What I keep thinking is, I don't want him to die but if we weren't married and he asked me to marry him I wouldn't say yes. I'm honestly surprised we did marry, which was fairly recent (2016). I'm also not ready to throw in the towel yet.

Right now, I really don't want to go back and talk about the details of the affair. It will just end in a mess of a post and me sitting her balling.


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## wonderingwife2 (Nov 26, 2017)

In the briefest most descriptive sense. She was more than a friend to him, they exchanged "pictures", they talked about what could have/should have been, trash talked me, told her intimate details about us, sent pictures of our son to her, stayed up half the night talking to her, masturbated on camera with her, devout far more attention to her than me or our kids, ditched us or cancelled plans to talk to her, exchanged "I've always/will always loved you" and "you'll always be special to me", "I always think about you" statements many times, told me I was bat**** crazy, nothing was going on and I was controlling.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

wonderingwife2 said:


> I touched on why our sex life went to **** a couple posts up, but I can add a bit more. In the beginning of our relationship he was definitely attracted to me and we had no issues. He has a "type" and I fit into that mould. When I was pregnant for the first time his attraction towards me was obliterated. He doesn't find pregnant women attractive, finds them unattractive actually. He didn't make rude comments (on purpose at least) but he totally stopped complimenting me and touching me. After our son was born the compliments started again. When we were trying to get pregnant the second time I wasn't ovulating and took fertility medication, gained a bit of weight (10lb). To my husband that is a lot. When I got pregnant again, the compliments stopped and he took a dip in how much physical contact we had. It was better than the first time... I went into the hospital at 16 weeks and was put on steroids to stimulate my appetite, but they also made me pack on a ton of weight/retention (30lb in 2 weeks), I gained almost 80lb that pregnancy and obviously don't have my body back now. My girls are two months old. I weigh 141 right now, was 110 previously. So is my husband fully attracted to me right now? No. He says he is, but he doesn't look at me the same and it doesn't sound as sincere.
> 
> 
> 
> So it's a combination of the two things (at least).




So he is shallow? I too prefer slim women, my wife has gained weight but makes no difference to me as she is concerned. She still has a nice figure just everything has gotten bigger. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

please think of your own happiness, as you said your kids are too young for them you separating with your husband being a trauma.i know this forum promotes fighting for marriage and i believe too if there are still feelings of love.but if you think that you are unhappy in this relationship maybe it is time to think about parting your ways.your children would rather see you happy than in marriage that can cause you depression and anxiety.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

How tall are you?

141 lbs is not that much.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Your husband is watching other men get pleasured by having toys inserted in their ass.

Your husband is gay. He probably HAS cheated on you physically and there is no way that he would not do anything and everything that he watches in porn movies if he had the opportunity. 

End of story.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

wonderingwife2 said:


> In the briefest most descriptive sense. She was more than a friend to him, they exchanged "pictures", they talked about what could have/should have been, trash talked me, told her intimate details about us, sent pictures of our son to her, stayed up half the night talking to her, masturbated on camera with her, devout far more attention to her than me or our kids, ditched us or cancelled plans to talk to her, exchanged "I've always/will always loved you" and "you'll always be special to me", "I always think about you" statements many times, told me I was bat**** crazy, nothing was going on and I was controlling.


Yes, this does not sound ok to me. Not at all. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable asking, it just helps to understand the situation better.

This is the thing: marriage is a lot of work. It takes two to make it work and two to break it (more often than not). It's a cliche but it's really true. For it to work, both people don't have to be 100% compatible (this is a fairy tale). But the less compatible, the more work needs to put be put in. The fact that he has not been honest with you, must have shattered your trust in him completely. It can never be reversed again. I don't want to speculate whether he has physically cheated too or not (I leave it to others) but the above does not bode well and the fact that he cheated before on someone else also does not bode well. On the other hand if he did, you probably would have read about it in the messages. Still.

When would you say you fell out of love with him? (within the timeline) Would you say it was after or before you caught him first time lying about these conversations? Sometimes it's a chicken & egg situation: did he begin to feel that you were not in love with him anymore and needed some kind of escapism or trip down the memory lane of 'what could have been' with his ex or did you fall out of love with him because you began to understand that he is not at all an honest person and not the person you originally fell in love with. This is always very difficult to pinpoint what came first (actually probably impossible). I just know that both of you really need to want it, for it to work. Then it CAN be made to work. I don't think it is right for you to feel that in order to keep your husband, you need to first be able to understand what kinds of fetishes he desires and fulfil them. Because if he does not really give a damn, this is never going to work no matter what kinds of circus activities you perform for him in the bedroom. It comes back to my first post. I think the fetish has little to do with your (or his) problem.

I presume you have talked with him how much it bothers you and that these deceptions of his are basically a deal-breaker for this marriage (and he was way over the line as far as bounderies are concerned). Is it when he said that he wouldn't have stayed either?
I don't know if him saying those words was a heat of the moment thing or if he really meant it. I really think you should save on strap-ons and co for now and find a very good marriage counsellor who will be able to help you fix this, either way. Sex will feel pretty unbearable with someone you can't trust in any case.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Just to reply to bits and pieces...



wonderingwife2 said:


> I really don't want to think about him fantasizing about her... Especially if it's when we are having sex, or when he's watching porn. I know men think about other women and that's normal, but for him he took it beyond a fantasy. I don't enjoy feeling like she is still apart of our life. If he is fantasizing about the other woman, wouldn't that make him more likely to physically cheat - with her?


Not necessarily. Btw I also am not sure that many men do fantasize about other women during sex...We are not that imaginative...I would imagine women have better and more vivid imagination overall! (That's why we watch porn and you girls read books about grey colours  Ok, some do.



wonderingwife2 said:


> Our son is 4 and our daughters are 2 months. They are so young and wouldn't be able to understand what is going on. For my girls, they'd never know any different which is a pro and a con. On one hand they'd have no memory of this time and they wouldn't suffer in the present time. On the other hand, they would never know their intact family. My son is 4, and he'd obviously know that something is going on but wouldn't understand it. He is a momma's boy and prefers me 99.98% of the time. The thought of forcing him to go to his dad's house makes me break down crying. It's not like we're totally miserable and hate each other. We don't fight in front of the kids. I don't know if I could say that I love him right now, I use to. If I have to sacrifice a bit to make my kids happy, I'd do that.


I understand that. And it's heart breaking.



wonderingwife2 said:


> With a quick timeline... We got together in January 2011. We didn't have sex until May 2012, I wanted to wait for a couple reasons (neither of us are religious). Our relationship was fine during that time, it was really good actually. There was a couple hiccups on his side, but overall we were really happy. Introduced sex and we were still fine, the sex was frequent and we both enjoyed it. We were having sex usually once a day, or a few times a week. We never had sex more than once in a row, though he did with his ex's. He couldn't get another erection - for me, whatever. In 2013 I had our son. I don't know what came first, the birth of our son, the start of his emotional affair or our sex life going to ****. They were around the same time. After our son was born our sex life went non-existent. I had a rough delivery and was in excruciating pain for the first 4 months (could barely move let alone have sex). I was in pain for the first year postpartum and sex was unbearable, we didn't have sex at all until I was 10 months postpartum, and it was probably once maybe twice. About the time our son turned 2 things started getting a bit better for me, but he lost desire to have sex with me over those 2 years. We started having sex more, a few times a month at most. And that's how it has sat, having sex 1-3x a month or less. 1-2x is probably more accurate. Our relationship started getting better in 2016, the sex was the same but we were getting along better I felt better about him, we decided to get pregnant again. Things were pretty good until I found out the affair was back on.
> 
> He has given me his reasons for the affair, which are what you'd probably expect to hear.


Ok, this sounds *extremely* familiar to me, except for the EA, though I once came close. You know, for some reason, a lot of marriages break down when kids are born. It's partly the stress that couples cannot deal with very well and it's partly the hormones and partly postnatal depressions (not applicable here I guess) and postnatal pains etc. Plus husband getting a midlife crisis or similar. Basically a lot of unpredictable **** seems to happen around that time. I have noticed this pattern.
My marriage was shaky during the same period. After my wife gave birth, our sex life completely stopped (understandably). But I didn't know it would stop for so long unfortunately and I also didn't realize how humiliating I would end up feeling about getting constant rejections (I wasn't asking for sex, just any human touch or just be together once in a while. And it wasn't even all about sexual stuff: I suddenly felt I lost purpose in life. Or that I finished my purpose with that last ejaculation (sorry to be crude) and began to search around to try and find that purpose back, subconsciously (not to search for women but just some kind of purpose or feeling close or feeling useful to anyone). Everything was about the newborn at the time and I felt like a piece of unnecessary material, only there for financial support and no other reason whatsoever. With hindsight, this all makes sense now but at the time, I had no idea what the hell was going on. It was absolutely unbearable. There should be some kind of 'survival manual' for families because having kids takes a toll on _everyone_. 

It's just that I have always wondered how on earth is it possible for families to break up during the most crucial time, when the family should be the strongest and stay together. I was always very angry that those break ups happened when kids were just born. I didn't understand it until we had kids ourselves. And even then, it is only clear now, with hindsight, the 'whys' and 'hows'.

My kids are still small (youngest is still under 2). But regularity in our sex life did manage to fix a lot of things plus making a conscious effort of spending quality time together (as well as leaving space to do our own stuff). People will probably recommend good books here on this topic.
You release a bonding hormone during sex that binds you closer to your partner (I don't think the weight stuff or being pregnant are the reasons for your husband potentially losing some attraction but maybe I am wrong. It's more likely to happen due to rejection (even if rejection happened for all the valid reasons), the opposite happens: the guy develops a mechanism that makes him less and less attracted to the partner when he tries to bond but fails multiple times. I am not saying any of it is at all your fault - your body needs to rest after birth for a while, obviously, plus not being able to sleep is a huge stress factor - just that the man's body has this stupid 'memory', when it comes to rejection. I hate it but I noticed it in myself, even though my brain was telling my body it was being stupid, I couldn't help it and still find it hard to 'shake off' that feeling of being unwanted.

Anyway, just a perspective from the male side as a starting point. I hope you guys can make it. Just remember that he picked *you*, not her, even though he was with her first.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wonderingwife2 said:


> He says he has no fantasies...


The topic of porn aside... I strongly believe there are many people that do not really have any sexual fantasies, or perhaps stay too busy to have much time for their mind to wander. 

It may also be important to differentiate between sexual preferences and sexual fantasies. For example if an individual is uncomfortable seeing members of his/her same sex nude, then it is natural to avoid doing so when choosing to watch content of a sexual nature.

In other words if you go looking through someone's internet history to try and find out what fantasies that person may have, you may not find anything helpful. Some content may be chosen specifically to avoid watching materials that conflict for whatever reason with that person's sexual preferences. This actually means the content that is NOT there could be more relevant and useful than the content that is there. 

So if you find someone's computer and the history has a lot of foreign content (asian for example as the OP mentioned), perhaps the individual watching finds it extremely distracting when people speak to each other in videos. So by watching in a foreign language one can avoid this distraction while still getting to hear to oohhhs and ahhhhs. So for a spouse trying to gather intelligence on a partner's fantasies, the relevance of this content might actually be, "don't try and talk to me during sex" and have absolutely nothing to do with a foreign culture. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wonderingwife2 said:


> I’ve looked at porn that I’d never in a million years do, or things are more fantasy but I wouldn’t actually do. .


as time goes on, people evolve. If ONE person in a marriage is evolving and wanting to try new things, and the other is the proverbial stick in the mud about new sexual things to try...guess what often happens to that marriage?

Sounds like hubby is bored sexually, needs to look at new sexual things in his porn, HOPES you too would be interested in it, but senses your reluctance/abhorance so that he is afraid to ask you for it. Why not take one of those new porn topics, get whatever sex toys or accoutrements are needed to try it out, and spring it on him one night???


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

_You release a bonding hormone during sex that binds you closer to your partner (I don't think the weight stuff or being pregnant are the reasons for your husband potentially losing some attraction but maybe I am wrong. _

For most guys, any sort of physical imperfection can be a VERY MINOR THING, if the person exhibits a sexy and kinky mind/attitude! Who cares if you have a few extra pounds lingering from prenancy if you have thigh high black stockings, spike heels, a leather bustier on, a riding crop and length of rope in your hands?


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Internet porn is like the Golden Corral, you're not just going to grab the pot-stickers every single time. You're going to try the wasabi peas, and fried chicken sometimes. Heck you may even grab the frog's legs even if the idea of them disgusts you, it's there, it's free, may as well live a little

Sex with the woman you love is like your favorite steak restaurant where you always get the Prime aged NY Strip and home-fries and wouldn't deviate in fear you'll ruin the meal and regret your order.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I
> 
> Sex with the woman you love is like your favorite steak restaurant where you always get the Prime aged NY Strip


Thank GOD for the steak sauce!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Golden Corral is crap.

However, ...

when your dining out is limited to a single pretentious nuovo-somethingorather restaurant where you pay exorbitant prices for minuscule portions of bland food just because you thought the exterior was pretty and you bought a lifetime membership there...

well, Golden Corral can start looking pretty damn good at that point. 

When one desperately needs to indulge, exactly what one is indulging in gets rather less important.

The food at Golden Corral lacks substance/nutritional value. Really, you're not doing yourself any favors by eating at Golden Corral...
... unless you're literally starving to death and can not get nourishment anywhere else.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I guess I don't quite understand why you are trying to work things out with a cheater. Not only a cheater, but a serial cheater in this and other relationships.

This man is not marriage material. Please value yourself more.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> So if you find someone's computer and the history has a lot of foreign content (asian for example as the OP mentioned), perhaps the individual watching finds it extremely distracting when people speak to each other in videos. So by watching in a foreign language one can avoid this distraction while still getting to hear to oohhhs and ahhhhs.


Haha, really? Who on earth watches porn with sound?! That's highly distracting to me in ANY language!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Internet porn is like the Golden Corral, you're not just going to grab the pot-stickers every single time. You're going to try the wasabi peas, and fried chicken sometimes. Heck you may even grab the frog's legs even if the idea of them disgusts you, it's there, it's free, may as well live a little
> 
> Sex with the woman you love is like your favorite steak restaurant where you always get the Prime aged NY Strip and home-fries and wouldn't deviate in fear you'll ruin the meal and regret your order.


I dunno - Is it weird that I am simultaneously hungry AND horny after reading this?. :scratchhead:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

wonderingwife2 said:


> We have been trying to work on our marriage and at some point I have to let it go of we're going to be happy and move on. The affair started in 2013, and was on and off. It wasn't physical, but I sometimes feel like that was due to lack of opportunity not lack of desire. The final ending was this July. I found out about it *4 times*, each time he blew it off until theast time. He doesn't have contact with her now, that I know of. If we are going to be happily married then our sex life is important.


*FOUR* times?!

Fool me once, your fault!
Fool me twice, my fault!
Fool me thrice, <censored>!
Fool me ... hell there's nothing even a word after THRICE, and you're still with him?!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Midget porn.....need I say more.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Haha, really? Who on earth watches porn with sound?! That's highly distracting to me in ANY language!


What, who doesn't like the combination of 70's disco guitar and a slide whistle?!


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

i don't get comparing sex with eating.

because eating is something i actually do.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> *FOUR* times?!
> 
> Fool me once, your fault!
> Fool me twice, my fault!
> ...


Some people are gluttons for punishment.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> Haha, really? Who on earth watches porn with sound?! That's highly distracting to me in ANY language!


Japanese porn, with the high pitched screaming, is the ONLY way to go.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Yes. I look at porn catagories I am not into.


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