# i dont understand, please help me to!



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Hey guys!
Since the last time our sexual life got better...
But now it's going down again. For me!!!
We tryed "new" stuff. I watched a porno with him
and I was just ok with it. But it was awkward!
We had never done this before! specially me, I never
watched pornos and than with someone else... :S
maybe I sound a little weird for you, but this is how it
is  anyways he just watched pornos by hisself.
and with me was his first time as well... We didn't know
what to do. He couldn't really touch me because he had to star
on the laptop. and than when we started he kept going watching instead of beeing into me... I really don't know if this
is how it's works... I just feel weird... we did it maybe 3 times...
than we tryed the backdoor. I had never done it either!!!
but I thought its good for our sexual life to try new stuff...
it was good for him, for me not that much, even if he was very
careful!!! Time passes for 2 more weeks.
Now he asked me if I wanna watch a porno, but that we play with ourselves. Me with mine and he with his! not even 3 sec. passed and he ask me if I can turn around because he feels weird with that... I turned around but I felt like a peace of sh....
next night the same!!! the night after that i left.
I came back around 4 o'clock am. I was tiered watching that stuff because it makes me feel like noone important.
And I didn#t want to sleep with him anyways because I'm not his mob! when he needs it or wants it he can use it... I have feeling , too!
sometimes I thing that his feeling are for him more important than mine!!!!

Christmas came and we sleeped with sleeped with other.
the next day too!
and the day after that again this question, do you want to play with your self???? what kind of question, why should I , I never askes for stuff like that. because I always want to satisfied my H!! I wouldn't stop when he cannot come...

So on that day was nothing. but it made me a little weird inside again... Now I dont want to sleep with him anymore!!!! I dont feel like and thats why I try to leave at night, because I dont want to feel him beating off next to me. this disgust me...
and makes me fell awkward!!!

To the ladys, did u ever had this situation ? How did u feel??

And to gentlemen, have u ever done this?? Why? what is the point? Arent you atractive to your W anymore, other reasons??

Thank you everone for your time! I hope somebody can explain everything to me....

Ciao


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> To the ladys, did u ever had this situation ? How did u feel??


i had problems with porn in my marriage. my H wasnt interested in me, he just wanted to look at porn. I did feel worthless and i got very depressed. so i told him he either had to go to therapy and quit porn completely, or i had to leave. he went to therapy, and so did i, and we are doing much, much better now.


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

thank you very much for your respond!
I'm glad that you guys worked it out...
Did he watch porn and b*** off right next to you, or while you were around? instead of sleeping with you??

I don't think my H would go to a therapy!!!

there is one more thing... Even if Iam around, when I'm in the bathroom or turn my back, the first thing that he does is watching
big butts on youtube... I don't know if somebody does stuff like that, that loves someone, how he says... I 'm his first relationship, now we are married.... And I don't work yet... He says he doesn't have enough time for hiself!!! Is that a reason??? I had never problems with someone else before....


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> Did he watch porn and b*** off right next to you, or while you were around? instead of sleeping with you??


ya that happened. not with porn, but he would do it next to me and not want me. it was very, very humiliating and depressing. dont be around him when he does that. leave the room. 



italiana86 said:


> there is one more thing... Even if Iam around, when I'm in the bathroom or turn my back, the first thing that he does is watching
> big butts on youtube... I don't know if somebody does stuff like that, that loves someone,


your H has a serious addiction to porn. If he wont get help, he wont get better. its that simple. its going to come down to you deciding if you want to live the rest of your life this way. have you told him that if he doesnt get help for his addiction that you will leave?


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

*Re: is masturbation a part of sexual life?*

Mutual masturbation can be a fun time. But not if it's always. 

There's something wrong here...likely, I think, that he finds it much easier to get himself off and to not have to take the time/effort in getting you off; rather letting you get yourself off since (presumably) you know how to do it better. 

My GF and I watch porn, too, occasionally. But 90% of the time, we never even see the middle! Let alone the end!  

I've seen her masturbating while watching a movie. It's highly erotic and more interesting than the movie (to me). Often I'll just move around and play with her myself (ignoring the movie) while she watches the movie and me. 

Other times, she'll do the same to me. But most of the time, it's making love (not just having sex). Our use of porn is relatively rare. And that's how it should be (IMHO). 

I think your H is being selfish -- no, make that lazy! It very easy to masturbate to orgasm. It does take an effort (a loving effort!) to bring someone else to orgasm and I think he's being too lazy to make you orgasm. 

I think I'd quit the porn. When he turns it on, just go somewhere else. Another room or go shopping. Something else. Go work in the garden, start dinner, etc. The longer he watches/uses porn the less he will have for you. 

Hide (but do NOT throw away!) his porn (unless he rents it...sigh) and tell him he must pay attention to you, your body, your needs - not the TVs.


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

*Re: is masturbation a part of sexual life?*

hi!
thank you for your respond!
You know, he is lazy you are right, but I'm not the person that takes long to have an orgasm...... I always come first... sometimes
I try to hold it so i keep beeing wet. I think I have a dryness problem or he doesn't take much time for the forplay. And than it happens the last time we sleeped with each other, that he came and I didn't, even I could. I wanted to do it for him, because he says that I'm dry. I don't want to spit alway on it!
Anyways I did that time as well so he is satisfied! But instead of saying, baby let me satisfied you know, I have to say something.
And than he does it in a bad mood, more in a tired mood. I told him to stop and he did. So I didn't come that day! He just have sometimes the interestets to let me come when he came first but very seldom. And for forplay, too.
I don't know what to think, maybe I'm not good enough for him in bed. He said that sounds turn him on. But my sounds are not like the sounds in the porn... ? Hello, most of the porn is fake or isn't it??? I get so angry and sad at the same time 

I'm trying to hide it from him, because I really talked a lot to him about it, he just wants to do what he thinks is right...

4 therapy its too late now because he going to be deployed to irak in february. and I don't think he would go to one. And I don't think he would change for me. He is very selfish in these things... At the beginning he was very different :-(

Maybe its my fault, I don't know. At the beginning I didn't do sounds because I never did I was embarrased. Now I do and it's not good enough. (Sometimes they are a little fake because I don't feel like screaming how in the porns!!)
Than I tryed to satisfied him with stalkins, legins and that stuff that turns him on, it's not enough... 
He has to watch on youtube other butts or legs in stalkins...
Just because I don't have a booble butt...

These things hurt because I never watch any guy on a stupid internet site specially when he is around and only turns his back to me.... I'm very unhappy in our sexual life sometime because I think we just go married and I don't want to leave my H just cause of Sex! I never thought it could be that important to me.
thats why I prefer to go somewhere how you say when its night time, so I don't have this feeling beeing a NOONE! Or getting a NO! (I don't ask actually but it's he tells me than) and I don't want to hear that. But can I go every single night somewhere? Why do I have to sleep with him when he is in the mood! No, thats not who I am!

What do you think about! I'm very depressed cause of that or more frustrated!!!

thank you for your help


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

No , not like that but I sayed something simular....
But I don't want to leave him now. We just got married!!!
and he is deployed to irak for 12 months.

The only thing that he asked me after I sayed something simular was, oh but would you leave me after you have your greencard??

I thought, oh man, thats serious and asks stuff like that!

And I sayed yes sure what do you think.... What can I say to this? This was to stupid for me... I didn't marry him cause of the greencard, I really love him and he is a good H, a good person, its just this sexual thing that bothers me...
But I'm so scared that I will stop loving him when he does like that. Specially now when he is about to get deployed!


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Now he came from work.
Suddenly he started touching me!
I don't get it. No he can look at me in a sexual way again?
He meant something like: OOOOhhh, look at this, I will tear this up later.... ( I#M sorry that I kep on posting this stuff, but I try to show you a picture of it)
But I don't really say anything to that.
I really don't feel like because I think why now? After he had fun
the last days without thinking what was with me...
WOuld it be wrong if I try to get away of this situation? I mean if I don't sleep with him, but that I don't tell him I just try to do other stuff like going out or something...

My mom told me once, if you don't give it to man for a while he will go and get it somewhere else. So now I don't know what to do...


----------



## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

*Re: is masturbation a part of sexual life?*

Italiana, are you able to tell him what turns you on and what doesn't? How well do you both know what parts of your bodies to touch to feel good and become aroused? I mean areas like ears, neck, inner thighs, nipples - not just "down there"?

Your question that you started with was, "Is masturbation part of sexual like?" The answer is of course it is! Do you know how to arouse yourself? Because if you don't, it's harder to tell someone else what works for you.

Maybe you need to ask him for a chance to go slow and explore each other. Something that works very well is getting hold of a bottle of massage oil and giving each other a massage. 

Another thing: can he bring you to orgasm just by touching you and masturbating you, and can you do that same for him?

It's one thing to explore and experiment, but you both need to be comfortable wtih it and to be able to say so when you aren't. Meanwhile, go back to the basics and get that massage oil!


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

It sounds to me like you are putting in ALL the effort. If he can't respect you for that alone, then you should leave him and find someone that WILL appreciate your efforts.

Trust me, I am a man that would dearly love my wife to try to satisfy me, but alas, no. I guess it just wasn't meant to be my destiny.

I also look at porn. But we've only made love 6 times in the past 6 months and I need something to relieve the frustration.

But it sounds to me that you should also start being a bit selfish and taking care of yourself first. If he needs porn to aid in having sex with you, then I doubt he'll ever be satisfied with you.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> My mom told me once, if you don't give it to man for a while he will go and get it somewhere else. So now I don't know what to do...


ive thought about this too. i stopped wanting sex with my H b/c of all this. he might start looking at porn again (he has stopped) and he might go get it elsewhere. but i cant control that. and im not going to act in ways to try and control his behavior. im going to act in ways that meet my needs and help me feel at peace with myself. ive been through too much of trying to control what he does. 

of course i talk to him and tell him all this. well, as much as i am comfortable telling him.


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

*Re: is masturbation a part of sexual life?*

hi wyst!

the problem is that he doesn't know what turns him on or he doesn't want to tell me. I know he likes having sex wiht stalkins or stuff like that. black turns him on , too but stuff on his body he doesn't know! Unfortunatly i can't make him cum by masturbation , hands, mouth or what ever... I never had problems with my partner before him, I alway knew what to exactly to turn them on or to make them cum however... I really don't understand why it is different with my H. Its not that I mean masturbat each other, I know that this is a part of it, but if it's a part that he masturbate ifront of me just to please hisself!!!
I think this is rude and disrespectful....

Than I don't know if every guy does it, but is it normal that he keeps watching panties, or big/boubble budds, or what ever on youtube, while I'm sleeping or while I'm gone. It's like that he can't wait to have me out of the room or go to sleep or something like this just to do it. I think, when somebody is lonely, Single, sure that someone wants to see stuff like that. Or when the wife is gone for a couple days. But not when she is next to you! or just gone for 2 min.

What is your oppinion about that?

with the massage it's not going to work, first I see that he doesn't like long sexual act, we do it just once in a while, second he doesn't want me to massage him. When I ask him to do it for me he is to tired, or is not in the mood or what ever...

I mean I would really do everything to make our marriage work! I really love him and I'm not a selfish person!!! I always think about him first!!!

To your question, sure that I know how to masturbate myself, and he does too, (honestly its not difficult to make me cum, I cum quick most of the time and if not we never finish for me) but why should I masturbate when I have a H? maybe he wants to sleep with me and I masturbated before! what should I say? no? I just did it... NO, I don't think this is a part of a sexual life in a marriage...

thank you for your respond!

talk to you


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

hi uglee70!

thank you for your respond!
I just got married in Nov, I don't want to give up that fast!
he is going to be deployed to irak in february.
I asked him if he could talk to a therapist to controll this problem.
He said he doesn't want to, he doesn't need to!
He knows that he is addicted but anyways he doesn't want to go.
He said he wants to pray to God and he trys not to do all this...

But there is one more thing. I think it's not just about porn!

ljtseng did you fee l like that , too?

-> I think it's more about respect for the woman. Because I don't need watching big penises (I'm sorry for this example) on youtube just to feel good! He didn't beat off on that but he likes watching it. 
I don't need that! I have someone that I love!!! 

Or do I see that to strict?? Is it normal that guys to that??


----------



## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

*Re: is masturbation a part of sexual life?*

Thanks, Italiana, that makes it clearer for me. It seems to me, then, that this man of yours is addicted to porn and had got himself stuck where this is the only thing that gets him off. The trouble is, it is ddoing serious damage to your relationship.

To go back to the main question - is it normal to masturbate in front of your partner - it is a matter of what a couple feels comfortable with. some people find it very exciting to watch thier partner stimulate themselves. But it doesn't end there. That is just one little part of the whole and the couple should still be able to enjoy each other and have fulfilling sex.

Perhaps it's time to tell him to choose between you and the porn because you can't have all these other ladies in the movies between you and him.


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

I have 12 years of marital hindsight to my advantage when it comes to a problem in a relationship. But I'd still have to walk a few miles in your shoes before I could tell you what I would do. 

It sounds like you love your man very very much, which is where the problem begins. The head is smart and the heart is dumb.

My wife and I are having some probs and we had another very serious talk tonight about getting to the root of the troubles and what we need to do to fix it. She now understands that I am terribly unhappy, but I will never leave my son, and if the problem isn't fixed she will have a very miserable life trying to cope with my moods and short temper. It's not a violent temper, but I know myself, and I am not pleasant when I'm cranky.

So my advice to you is...if you are unhappy 3 months in, you should think about getting out before you have children. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me, I give him all the love, happiness and attention that I can, but I think I am fooling myself if I think he doesn't feel the tension between his mum and dad even though we never fight or raise our voices.

Think long term...if he doesn't change, if he won't get help now, do you think you'll be happily married in 10 years time?

Like I said before...sometimes you have to be a bit selfish.


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

*Re: is masturbation a part of sexual life?*

I don't want to do it so hard! I don't think things will change than!
i know him when somebody talkes to him like that he will do exactly what you don't want! I have to try to talk to him in a different way! But I tryed and I don't know waht will happen. By know he didn't do it again but only 3 days passed...
Its just disturbing me that he has this addiction to watch "Asses" on youtube... I "catched" him. I was trying to sleep and he thought I was already. The whole time he watched armystuff and than when he thought i was sleeping he started waching panties. because I wanted to drink something I catched him and than he closes the window so I don't see it! But I can see it on the chronik anyways and he doesn't know that...
A couple minutes ago I took just a short shower, he went out now and what did I see... again these School Ass 2008-2009 on youtube. I can't even say something because than he knows that I know what he is doing... It freaks me out! He still does it, even he wants to try how he said! I don't believe that!!!! He doesn't care because he things that I will not figure out anything. 

What should I do?


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

I don't know. I think you will find that most men with access to porn will look at it, some a little...some a lot.

If you confront him when you catch him, his reaction may just give you the answer you are looking for.

Don't be afraid to embarrass him. You have the right to make a decision on what will ultimately lead to your future happiness, or misery.

In my case, if our son is asleep and my wife is in the shower, I am only too happy to join her even if it is just to soap her back...I know she likes that. I'd much rather do that than surf for porn.


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

that is so sweet! I wish mine would do that!!!
we talked about it again right now!!! i told him that i saw what he did... he sayed he wants to change but he can't from one day to another!
(even if i stoped smokin from one day to another!!!) its just how about how bad you really want it...
what is your problem with your wife?
i hope its ok that i ask..


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

It is hard to quit anything, I will allow him that. But if you know what he looks at, maybe you could dress up and do a dance for him...I don't know, but some creativity and imagination might help.
He will certainly not have any access to porn in Iraq...he will have to go cold turkey then!!!

The problem with my wife is that we have never had a fulfilled sex life. We have sex once a month and I feel rejected by her when she doesn't want sex. I have always respected her right to say "no" but I feel like everything I do is not appreciated. I know that I am appreciated, but I just like to have sex more often and I see her as a sexy warm attractive woman. But as you know, a relationship can suffer if there is no love making. The only time we have had regular sex was the six months that we were trying to get pregnant...then it was 4 times a week! I was so happy I was flying and my wife was enjoying it to. I was exhausted after those six months, I like my lovemaking to last at least an hour, and on top of working 12-14 hours a day and playing sports I was getting pretty tired. I suppose we should be careful what we wish for sometimes. But as soon as she knew she was pregnant the sex stopped and we probably only did it 4 or 5 times before she gave birth.
The situation has not improved and I losing patience.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> But there is one more thing. I think it's not just about porn!
> 
> ljtseng did you fee l like that , too?


Im not sure exactly what you mean when you say its not just about the porn to you, but in my relationship i did discover that there was a lot of emotional problems underneath the porn addiction. It really opened my eyes to who i was married to. It also helped me to realize that his addiction had nothing to do with me.


----------



## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

duplcate threads merged


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

ljtseng: 

for me it's still difficult to believe that his porn has nothing to do with me. Yes sure, it makes sence, because I do take care of my self, I dress up and I'm attractive ( for other people) that is how I feel. If everybody would like me how I look instead of him.

uglee70: and that (read above please) is why I don't feel like dressing up anymore... I think why should I do it when it will be still the same...
So I will jsut see what will happen...


Chris H.

I'm sorry but I didn't understand what that means.



thank you for your respond!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> ljtseng:
> 
> for me it's still difficult to believe that his porn has nothing to do with me. Yes sure, it makes sence, because I do take care of my self, I dress up and I'm attractive ( for other people) that is how I feel. If everybody would like me how I look instead of him.


It was really hard for me to understand, too. Sometimes it still gets to me. Everyone would tell me it had nothing to do with me, and after hearing it so many times it actually started to make me angry. of course it had something to do with me! or so i thought. Now that i am out of the worst of it, i can see that it really did not have anything to do with me. I made his addiction about me by the way i approached the problem. Every time i tried to turn him on and i got shut down, i made it about me. every time i asked him to quit for my sake, i made it about me. when i finally learned to set boundaries, and work on myself, i learned how to separate from my H's problems. 

My H and I are just now, after a few years, starting to heal from it all. that's with both him and me going to counseling, and me doing a lot of work on myself.


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

So if it has nothing to do with yourself , what do you have to work on? dressing up, behaivour, confronting this situation?
I understand it has nothing to do with me, i just have to ignore , iguess, i dont see an other solution. I tryed to talk, but its seems to be better for a 2 or 3 day , than the same thing again...

So I don't give a ***PEEP*** anymore... (sorry)

why should I try to solve his problem, when he doesn't want help.
I know , NO marriage is without problem... I guess that is how I will live now the rest of my life...

Today I'm feeling good about this decission, I don't know how it will be tomorrow... 

I'm happy for you that it's working out for you and your H.

how long are married and how long is this problem now?
from the beginning?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> So if it has nothing to do with yourself , what do you have to work on? dressing up, behaivour, confronting this situation?


Confronting the situation. I had to learn how to set boundaries. so i could tell him how i was feeling about certain behaviors, and then i had to decide what I could do to protect myself from his behavior. that's a very overly simplified way to explain it. It was quite a complicated learning process for me. and im still learning.



italiana86 said:


> I understand it has nothing to do with me, i just have to ignore , iguess, i dont see an other solution. I tryed to talk, but its seems to be better for a 2 or 3 day , than the same thing again...


Ya, i talked the problem to death. I wanted to talk about it all the time. but i started learning to pull him aside, tell him i had something very important to talk to him about, and then if he changed or not was up to him but if he didnt change, i didnt talk about it again. i just started changing things to protect myself (again that is overly simplified as the communication process is quite complicated. but that is the jist of it). for example, i threw away every piece of lingerie i own. i still have none. for awhile i wouldnt let him see me naked. ever. i stopped coming on to him. i stopped talking about 'us'. those were boundaries i set to protect myself from his behavior. if he stops going to counseling, i will leave. 



italiana86 said:


> Iwhy should I try to solve his problem, when he doesn't want help.


You should absolutely NOT try to solve his problem. trying to solve his problem is part of the problem. at first, i did that too. i found all kinds of resources for him to help him. he didnt want any of it. it wasnt until i stopped talking and starting changing things i did that he started to notice. 

but if you are going to stay in this relationship, and not require he do anything to get help, then things will not improve. 



italiana86 said:


> how long are married and how long is this problem now? from the beginning?


I've been married a little over a year. been together for a little over three. it was a problem from the start but he hid it from me. i didnt find out about it until i moved states with him.


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

oh, than you are married for a short time as well...
For me it doesn't makes sence now , to start doing something.
He is leaving for at least 12 months, we wound see each other, maybe for 2 weeks after 6 months...

I'm sorry for you that it happend like that... I mean it's sad that we got married and that this sexual problem is becoming so big for both of us in our marriage...

What did you do to make him go to counseling?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> oh, than you are married for a short time as well...
> For me it doesn't makes sence now , to start doing something.
> He is leaving for at least 12 months, we wound see each other, maybe for 2 weeks after 6 months...


what are you going to do for those 12 months? 



italiana86 said:


> I mean it's sad that we got married and that this sexual problem is becoming so big for both of us in our marriage...


Oh you nailed it! i was so ticked off about this. i waited for the 'right' person to be intimate with and then it just all went down hill. i was so frustrated. this is the one thing i never thought id have issues with. 



italiana86 said:


> What did you do to make him go to counseling?


I dont know what it was exactly. I did tell him if he didnt go i would leave, but i dont know if that was it. b/c i'd said that like a million times before and even though i left for a month or so, i always came back. I guess i'd like to think that most of it was b/c he did love me and so he wanted to change. And maybe it was b/c i was making him so unbelievably miserable that it was either change or leave. and he wasnt going anywhere


----------



## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

oh man, that is so sad! specially that you waited for the right person!!! I know things will not change... How did you start having boundaries... i have some but then when everything is "fine" again they go away. and then I'm dissappointed again when it happens again...


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italiana86 said:


> i have some but then when everything is "fine" again they go away. and then I'm dissappointed again when it happens again...


what are your boundaries exactly?

you'll be disappointed at times. that's unavoidable, in my opinion. i had a fight with my H this weekend b/c i felt he reverted back to some behaviors that i dont like. but i handled things better, and he handled things better, so it was resolved quickly. which, coming from our past is a rather odd feeling. but good.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> i had a fight with my H this weekend b/c i felt he reverted back to some behaviors that i dont like. but i handled things better, and he handled things better, so it was resolved quickly. which, coming from our past is a rather odd feeling. but good.


Wow! At last, some good news from you guys


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Wow! At last, some good news from you guys


lol...thanks MT. it was a mile stone i think. for me especially.


----------

