# Need some advice. . Lying spouse



## Colombianog34 (Jul 23, 2020)

Hi everyone,

Will make this short and just give me your take on this. Marriage with my wife has been up and down ( i am guessing just like other ones) but i did cheat on my wife, i was selfish and inmature and i realized i was in the wrong but also i let her know why she drove me away and her attitude problem needed to be fixed. We have not been intimate for some time since i had to work on myself and fix out marriage. She mentioned to me last week that one of her good friend is very depressed and had a girls trip and her feiend cancelled. She asked my wife and i told my wife of course i trust you.
Last weekend, she came home from being with friends and she passed out on the bed. I could not help but to look her phone messages and i found a confimation of a AIrBNB. Then i looked at her email and she purchased a flight for a guy from New York to Dallas the same dates she is supposed to be go out of town with his gf. Also, the airbnb is paid for the same amount of days.

I can not stop thinking about this obviously. I know our relationship has not been the best and i do not know if i should confront it before she goes or just take it as karma and then confront her about it and discuss where we are at on our relationship.

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Since you haven't been intimate for some time, what difference does it make what she does?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Isn’t karma a beotch!!!!
You already know what happened.

Dude just get a divorce. No need for the two of you to keep torturing one another.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A pair of cheaters, huh? What does that score in this game?


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Colombianog34 said:


> I let her know why she drove me away and her attitude problem needed to be fixed.


In the wake of YOUR decision to be an adulterer, this is called blameshifting. Look it up. Usually narcissists reach for blameshifting first In the cheaters toolbox. Are you a narcissist? This probably drove a nail in the coffin of your marriage because the thing is you killed your marriage when you decided to cheat.

The two of you are what we typically call madhatters. She had a revenge affair. You struck first. She complicated the situation.

But it sounds like your empathy meter is quite low and you did pretty much everything you could do that shallow narcissistic cheaters do to further screw up the situation. Now she has reacted.

Sorry I’m harsh, but I don’t have a great amount of sympathy. I have mixed feelings about the term “mad hatters” because I think it kind of continues to blameshift on people who have been traumatized by their spouses Who cheated first — and they are in shock and pain and made a bad decision.

But who put them there first?

You did.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

You both need to make appointments with divorce lawyers.

A marriage with a single cheater can sometimes be fixed, but once both partners are willing to step out, the chances are their marriage is over.

JMHO.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

This guy must be some dead beat to have your wife pay for her trip....I would save all the fvidenve and have the talk


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So you had an affair first, what was done about it? Based on what your said I'm guessing the answer is "nothing". Your affair is 100% your fault, own it. It doesn't matter one iota what your wife did... cheating is never the answer. 

Assuming your infidelity was not properly dealt with, then I'm not surprised at the outcome. That being said... revenge affairs are never okay, and honestly, they aren't worth it either. All it does is complicate an already complicated situation. 

So what do you do next? You decide if you want to do the hard, excruciating work to reconcile _properly_ this time, or you divorce. Regardless of what you want, your wife may not want the same. If that's the case, whatever the outcome, be kind... you both ****ed up and suck as spouses.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Colombianog34 

#1


> ... I could not help but to look her phone messages


Yeah you could help yourself. It's called "Self Control." Now if you had said, "I was curious and I made the choice to look through her phone" I would have said okay...because you are a personally responsible adult. You are responsible for the choices you make. You aren't the helpless victim of phone messages. 

#2


> ...She mentioned to me last week that one of her good friend is very depressed and had a girls trip and her feiend cancelled. She asked my wife and i told my wife of course i trust you.
> ... i found a confimation of a AIrBNB. Then i looked at her email and she purchased a flight for a guy from New York to Dallas the same dates she is supposed to be go out of town with his gf. Also, the airbnb is paid for the same amount of days.


You know I have to confess, I think we are all making some assumptions here, so could you clarify a few things?

First, GF asked W to a girls' trip. 
Was GF "paying" for W's way or did W make the arrangements for the two of them? I mean, just because you found a confirmation for an AirBNB doesn't mean W wasn't with GF. So if GF invited other friend, and they talked about going to *_ city and other friend backed out...GF might say to W "You wanna go to _* city too or somewhere else? Wanna pick a place you like?" See? Doesn't NECESSARILY mean anything other than that AirBNB reservation was confirmed. What city was it confirmed for?

Next W purchased a flight for a guy from NYC to Dallas for the same dates she as supposed to go out of town with GF. Now you said "his gf" so is GF this guy's girlfriend? If so, was the plan for W and GF to be going to Dallas? I mean, if GF and W were going to Baltimore, and the AirBNB was reserved in Baltimore, but she bought tickets for GF's boyfriend for the dates they would be gone...it's unusual but again doesn't NECESSARILY mean anything. On the other hand, if you meant to say "...this gf" and the trip was supposed to be to Dallas, and the AirBNB was in Dallas, and that dude was also flying into Dallas--then it looks more like a rendevous. So is the dude GF's boyfriend and the three of them were meeting? Or were they going to one city and he's going to a different city? 

Finally, you say the AirBNB was paid for the same number of days as the flight. The implication is that W met this guy in Dallas and they were together at the AirBNB. Well...what happened to GF then? When W was gone from your town, was GF also gone? Did you see wife and GF together leaving? While they were on this girls' trip did they text you or send selfies during the trip? Or did W just disappear for several days and now that you think about it, you don't know if GF was gone or not (in which case you could easily drive over to GF and ask her how the trip was). 

See...although I get what you're implying/suggesting, to my mind there are too many questions. If the questions are answered, it may line up as more likely one way than another, but if the questions are not answered, there's not really enough to go on here.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Colombianog34 said:


> i realized i was in the wrong but also i let her know why she drove me away and her attitude problem needed to be fixed.


This is saying 'I'm sorry but it was still your fault'.


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## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

Personal said:


> Since you haven't been intimate for some time, what difference does it make what she does?


Hmmmm??? 😑 oh. Ok that's how it works then? If you're not having relations with your spouse you shouldn't be surprised and should accept it? Ok....

Am I just missing the punch line or something?

Or was the meaning of this message to hurt feelings? Doesn't seem very helpful to me.

You couldn't possibly mean that because he isn't sleeping with his wife that he must not love her or care, right?


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## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

ah_sorandy said:


> You both need to make appointments with divorce lawyers.
> 
> A marriage with a single cheater can sometimes be fixed, but once both partners are willing to step out, the chances are their marriage is over.
> 
> JMHO.


That's not entirely true. My husband and I are mad haters. We have made amazing strides in our relationship. The formula is still the same in the end.

Reconciliation requires two. As long as both partners are willing and able yo be honest and put thier best effort forward, it's possible. Harder... maybe. impossible... no. But I found the struggle well worth it.

I'm in agreement with thumos and his opinions on mad haters. The first one to cheat is like the first one to throw a punch. You can't punch someone in the back of the head and be outraged when they turn around and punch you back. Being hurt is understandable, but not anger or indignation. Let me tell you about my experience as the first to cheat then get cheated on.

People will rarely sympathize and even likely take some joy from the turn around of karma. I don't blame them for it. It seems the natural response. Especially from those who have suffered at the hands of cheaters. So curb your expectations of warm encouragement and brotherly/and sisterly love here.

But! Even then. The people here have such distaste for infidelity that most will still try to help you get out of it.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

You should confront her before she goes. Right now, actually. Something is already occurring now.

Infidelity is such a trauma that it almost always trumps any other issues that pre-dated the infidelity. I believe you cheating and then blaming your wife is not going to work out well in the end. Whatever issues were, cheating didn't help, but exacerbated.

By the same token, her cheating on you now is not going to help the marriage, but just add another layer of problems in a marriage that already may be beyond repair to begin with.

Hypocritical? Yeah, definitely. How about me when I tell my kids not to do all the bad stuff I did as a kid? Or to give them consequences when they do it? Is that hypocritical of me? Being hypocritical isn't always the worst thing. Tell your wife you understand you did it, but you had to take a lot of stuff from her, and rightly so, because of you doing it. So if she is just going to do this to even it up, then you should be able to give her a lot of stuff, too. Hopefully you can see this isn't going to work, with each person doing these things to each other. Yet, if you see how this works out with others, it seems many, maybe most, of the time the emotions can't be handled and the couple wind up divorced. The less damage both of you cause now the easier it will be to fix it later.

You waiting is like saying I'll go on a diet Monday, but this weekend I'm going to be a complete glutton. It only makes it that much more difficult later. Also, along that analogy, most people don't keep that weight off.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

You cheated
She’s cheating now

what will it take for you to file and end far e of a marriage.

sorry for being so blunt


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Talk to lawyer immediately and if possible, have her served before she leaves


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You had yours. Now, it looks like it's her turn.
I'd confront her before she goes.
Have someone (using a Google number) text you what you found out by snooping.
Tell her she goes, your done.
If she goes, have a PI at the other end document the tryst.
When she gets back, have her served.
Sounds like she's done anyway.


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