# Am I a witch?



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

My husband rarely responds to my needs when he is at work. Recently he totally screwed me over and made me extremely late. I know he was working late... But it meant I had to cancel MY appointments that he was fully aware of. We talked about it and he apologized. I didn't even fight. Just said ok and didn't dwell. 

Well 3 days later... He was working with a friend on a project that he gave to the guy. (freelance project). I asked my husband to do it himself so he could make an extra thousand dollars. He came up with every reason not to. So instead he gave it to this guy and for the referral the guy is giving my DH 200.00. Well my DH has been working non stop helping this guy instead of just doing it on his own. Back to my point. He told me he world be gone from 9 to noon. I said that's fine... I'll take the kids to the pool. I did. Then he texted and said it would be 1:30. I said ok. No problem. What time did he get home? 4:15! 

Maybe I'm a witch. Am I asking for too much? I just don't understand why he is leaving his family for countless hours for a project he gave away and won't get much of anything from.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Naw your not a witch.... your just fed up. You could try giving reading his needs/ her needs a shot. Him too....
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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I have read that. It's great! I asked him to read it too. He didn't... Won't. 

I mean I had a serious child care issue while I was at work recently and he told me he was too busy. He couldn't help me or even talk with me about possible solutions. He just becomes unavailable when I need him. 

Last month I was told I may have cancer. I had a follow up appointment for my biopsy to learn the results. He knew I was a mess and he just kept telling me I was overreacting. He did NOT go to the biopsy results appointment either. 




Gaia said:


> Naw your not a witch.... your just fed up. You could try giving reading his needs/ her needs a shot. Him too....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wow!
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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has he always been this detached from you and the family? I used to be called a witch and worse. I was at the end of my rope. It sounds like you are there. As my therapist later said, my disposition was completely justified.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Yes he has over the past few years when it's something that doesn't impact him. But today for example I said I was going to the mall with a girlfriend. He was blowing up my phone with text messages. Then he called and I let it go to vm. It had only been 45 minutes! Then my work cell was ringing... So I freaked and picked it up thinking it was an emergency. He said he was "worried .. Hadn't heard from me in the past hour". I was like... Wow! Controlling?!?! I was polite but I wasn't happy that it's so different when shoe is on the other foot. He can't stop calling or texting ME. 





827Aug said:


> Has he always been this detached from you and the family? I used to be called a witch and worse. I was at the end of my rope. It sounds like you are there. As my therapist later said, my disposition was completely justified.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's interesting. I asked this because my estranged husband behaved the same as your husband. Sometimes he would say he has helping a friend. Sometimes he said he was cleaning his boat. Other times he said he was out with his brother. He would promise to be home by a certain time to do things with the children or to help me with something. He would show up hours later (& also not answer his phone). All of that was a cover. He was actually out with girlfriends. Is there a chance your husband could be doing the same thing?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I honestly don't think so. I have followed him before.. Checked his phone and email. He obviously doesn't know this. But I don't think he is physically cheating. Which makes me stay in the marriage even though it is very upsetting when he just ignores my deadlines etc. 




827Aug said:


> That's interesting. I asked this because my estranged husband behaved the same as your husband. Sometimes he would say he has helping a friend. Sometimes he said he was cleaning his boat. Other times he said he was out with his brother. He would promise to be home by a certain time to do things with the children or to help me with something. He would show up hours later (& also not answer his phone). All of that was a cover. He was actually out with girlfriends. Is there a chance your husband could be doing the same thing?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So, he's working (regardless that he would have made more money doing it homself and the fact that referring it to someone else usually comes back ten-fold) and you're at the pool, at the mall and missed a couple of appointments?

That bastard!


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Toffer I think you have missed the point. She works too. He leaves her to handle the family stuff. She's at the pool with the kids to keep them occupied and happy while dad is not available. Been there done that.

Its hard when your partner is not supportive of you and lives their life without thought on the impact to others. His stuff is more important than you or the kids is the message you are getting. That's rough.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Actually one of the times I missed a work meeting. I had to cancel with clients....and my boss was involved. He said he was "not in a position to get free". 

And missing my appointment for my biopsy results? 




Toffer said:


> So, he's working (regardless that he would have made more money doing it homself and the fact that referring it to someone else usually comes back ten-fold) and you're at the pool, at the mall and missed a couple of appointments?
> 
> That bastard!


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Has he always been this detached from you and the family? I used to be called a witch and worse. I was at the end of my rope. It sounds like you are there. As my therapist later said, my disposition was completely justified.


oh oh, puts hand up, i've also been called a witch, it is funny because not long after a jet black female cat adopted me and just a few months ago another, so now i have two female jet black cats 

And @ the OP he is totally thoughtless to your needs and his family's, totally selfish.

Is it possible to go off for a few days safely without the children, leaving them with him  say you need time to reflect


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I can't go more than 45 minutes on a work dinner break without being pelted with calls and text messages. But that is only when he is home. If he's preoccupied it doesn't matter what I'm doing. But I get texts and vms and angry texts that say "ive been texting and calling you and you aren't responding" all the time IF he knows I'm somewhere where I want to relax. I went to get a facial once and he got mad that I didn't respond to his texts. I told him that he should know (he gets massages!) that you can't have your phone during a facial. He said he didn't believe that... And he didn't know. 

I don't think I could go away without being hauled into all of his problems. 



cloudwithleggs said:


> oh oh, puts hand up, i've also been called a witch, it is funny because not long after a jet black female cat adopted me and just a few months ago another, so now i have two female jet black cats
> 
> And @ the OP he is totally thoughtless to your needs and his family's, totally selfish.
> 
> Is it possible to go off for a few days safely without the children, leaving them with him  say you need time to reflect


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds like you need to set and enforce some good boundaries for yourself.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

You know I've tried. But take Friday night for example. I was at work on a dinner break. I told my husband that I was going to go to dinner with a girlfriend/coworker. I rarely do this. He said ok. So I said goodbye... Talk to you after I get back. I got to dinner and he began texting. I ignored it. He then called and I let it go to vm. Then all of a sudden my work cell starts ringing and I immediately picked it up. I thought there was a work emergency. It was just my husband asking me why I didn't respond to his texts and call. I told him that I was at dinner. And he said its been a long time. It had been an hour and 10 minutes. 

I got off the phone and thought I can't establish boundaries because he finds a way to always get to me. 




KathyBatesel said:


> Sounds like you need to set and enforce some good boundaries for yourself.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> My husband rarely responds to my needs when he is at work. Recently he totally screwed me over and made me extremely late. I know he was working late... But it meant I had to cancel MY appointments that he was fully aware of. We talked about it and he apologized. I didn't even fight. Just said ok and didn't dwell.
> 
> Well 3 days later... He was working with a friend on a project that he gave to the guy. (freelance project). I asked my husband to do it himself so he could make an extra thousand dollars. He came up with every reason not to. So instead he gave it to this guy and for the referral the guy is giving my DH 200.00. Well my DH has been working non stop helping this guy instead of just doing it on his own. Back to my point. He told me he world be gone from 9 to noon. I said that's fine... I'll take the kids to the pool. I did. Then he texted and said it would be 1:30. I said ok. No problem. What time did he get home? 4:15!
> 
> ...


I think the fact you are asking the question means you are not. I think you are really confused as to why he does not understand and agree that your are asking for normal things here. I know there are a lot of jaded people on TAM and I don't think I'm one of them but...... are you suspicious about any of this? The changing schedule without notice might be a thing to worry about but you would know if that's relevant.

By the way, I wouldn't get too offended about the biopsy part though. We men have a way of going into denial mode and he may really think it's not big deal and you are overreacting.

My ex wife was what you are worried about being. No you are not that. She's still that way with our grown kids. It's kind of funny to see them have to deal with her badgering.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I really do not think it is another woman. I feel like I know enough about his job and projects that he is probably just trying to work extra at his family's expense. He just doesn't seem to care. 

But I will say he hasn't had sex with me in a long time. The last time I initiated and he was very cold. He said it was just his lack of confidence. Which has always been an issue for him. 

I just don't know... As I write this stuff out, it does sound terribly dysfunctional. No sex ... No respect. 

Also, I recently stepped on his foot (totally by accident) and he shoved me forward quite hard. I took that as just a reaction to the pain. But I don't weigh very much. Is that something I'm overlooking too? 





Thundarr said:


> I think the fact you are asking the question means you are not. I think you are really confused as to why he does not understand and agree that your are asking for normal things here. I know there are a lot of jaded people on TAM and I don't think I'm one of them but...... are you suspicious about any of this? The changing schedule without notice might be a thing to worry about but you would know if that's relevant.
> 
> By the way, I wouldn't get too offended about the biopsy part though. We men have a way of going into denial mode and he may really think it's not big deal and you are overreacting.
> 
> My ex wife was what you are worried about being. No you are not that. She's still that way with our grown kids. It's kind of funny to see them have to deal with her badgering.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I think a weekend away sounds like a good idea. This will make him realize how hard it is to handle ALL the kids stuff after a long week at work. Spa weekend, someplace that would not get his jealousy going. Make specific times for check-in by phone/skype, and tell him that you won't be answering the phone (turn it off!!). He needs to handle "emergencies" that come up just like you do on a daily basis. This helped my H recognize how hard it is to be me. Every year I go away with my college girlfriends for a girl's weekend (no, nothing sexual, or anything suspicious, just spa/shopping). My H doesn't call me, I call him and the kids during the weekend. Now that you know he resorts to your business cell, let it go to vm and check it, but don't answer if he calls your cell etc. first.

I'm not getting a picture of respect or caring in your relationship. Have you considered counseling? I would have been offended by the no show at your biopsy. Been there done that and denial is a load of crap. You don't do that to someone you love. My H went with me for mine. I needed to have his support.

Final note: What are you getting out of your relationship?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Good point. What do I get out of it?

My husband helps cook and watch the kids when I'm working different hours than him. 

Sex ... Nope

Intimate connection ... Nope. 

Sometimes he is supportive.. But not always. 

There is stability... But stability is on his schedule. 






Shiksa said:


> I think a weekend away sounds like a good idea. This will make him realize how hard it is to handle ALL the kids stuff after a long week at work. Spa weekend, someplace that would not get his jealousy going. Make specific times for check-in by phone/skype, and tell him that you won't be answering the phone (turn it off!!). He needs to handle "emergencies" that come up just like you do on a daily basis. This helped my H recognize how hard it is to be me. Every year I go away with my college girlfriends for a girl's weekend (no, nothing sexual, or anything suspicious, just spa/shopping). My H doesn't call me, I call him and the kids during the weekend. Now that you know he resorts to your business cell, let it go to vm and check it, but don't answer if he calls your cell etc. first.
> 
> I'm not getting a picture of respect or caring in your relationship. Have you considered counseling? I would have been offended by the no show at your biopsy. Been there done that and denial is a load of crap. You don't do that to someone you love. My H went with me for mine. I needed to have his support.
> 
> Final note: What are you getting out of your relationship?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

1. State your boundaries. Your boundaries should be the things you wouldn't let anyone do... whether you know the person or not. "I will decide for myself when to answer my phone." 

2. If your husband fails to respect that boundary, know the consequence you will put into action. "I will leave my phones on silent and only answer recognized numbers that I know are work-related."


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Also, I recently stepped on his foot (totally by accident) and he shoved me forward quite hard. I took that as just a reaction to the pain. But I don't weigh very much. Is that something I'm overlooking too?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess it could happen. It would have to be a reaction to pain like a heel stabbing my foot and then I would apologise A LOT AND OFTEN. If he did not seem to feel really bad about it then yea it may be a sign of resentment or disrespect.

I little snooping would not hurt just to make sure he's not hiding stuff. People do like to re-write history and make you out to be the bad guy when they are trying to justify their actions. In this case, snooping is to confirm there's nothing going on and not to prove there is. You have mentioned a few red flags is why I would suggest it. I''m not trying to be a JADED TAMER.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I understand what you mean. I guess I'm wondering how to take the snooping further?

I DID see a woman emailing him from another state ... Asking for him to critique her work. She asked him to come and do a conference at their company. Obviously he won't be doing it because it's in another state... But he never even mentioned it to me. I asked him in a round about way of anyone had ever contacted him randomly like that. He said no. Just made me concerned that he can keep secrets SO well. But I couldn't find anything on his phone. 




Thundarr said:


> I guess it could happen. It would have to be a reaction to pain like a heel stabbing my foot and then I would apologise A LOT AND OFTEN. If he did not seem to feel really bad about it then yea that's a sign of either resentment or lack of respect.
> 
> I little snooping would not hurt just to make sure he's not hiding stuff. People do like to re-write history and make you out to be the bad guy when they are trying to justify their actions. In this case, snooping is to confirm there's nothing going on and not to prove there is. You have mentioned a few red flags is why I would suggest it. I''m not trying to be a JADED TAMER.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Speaking of boundaries ... I was at work last night and received 7 texts about a conversation our 6 year old was having w another kid in the pool... Now this morning... I'm getting texts about my dh's bloody nose. 

Please tell me this is unusual and I'm not just being insensitive. 





ConcernedinMO said:


> I understand what you mean. I guess I'm wondering how to take the snooping further?
> 
> I DID see a woman emailing him from another state ... Asking for him to critique her work. She asked him to come and do a conference at their company. Obviously he won't be doing it because it's in another state... But he never even mentioned it to me. I asked him in a round about way of anyone had ever contacted him randomly like that. He said no. Just made me concerned that he can keep secrets SO well. But I couldn't find anything on his phone.
> 
> ...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Speaking of boundaries ... I was at work last night and received 7 texts about a conversation our 6 year old was having w another kid in the pool... Now this morning... I'm getting texts about my dh's bloody nose.
> 
> Please tell me this is unusual and I'm not just being insensitive.
> 
> ...


Hmm. Need more information about the conversation. Bloody nose is yet another red flag.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

There was no conversation. Just texts about the kid in the pool talking to our son. 

Why is bloody nose a red flag? 





Thundarr said:


> Hmm. Need more information about the conversation. Bloody nose is yet another red flag.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well red flags don't mean guilt. They are just things that don't make sense. I would find out why the bloody nose and the red flag is if the story does not add up or make sense.

You should know why someone likely punch him in the nose. There must be a reason.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Sounds like my estranged wife. No respect for anybody else's schedules or wants/needs, zero consideration for others. 

Lost my job because of that sh!t.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

No no... He is just texting about ever ailment that he might encounter. It was spontaneous as he was driving to work. I don't think it was anything more than that... In my opinion. 




Thundarr said:


> Well red flags don't mean guilt. They are just things that don't make sense. I would find out why the bloody nose and the red flag is if the story does not add up or make sense.
> 
> You should know why someone likely punch him in the nose. There must be a reason.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I hope you didn't respond to the texts. Answering just reinforces your participation in that garbage. Sounds like you have another child on your hands. Have you told him lately how it disturbs your work when he texts with nonsense?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> No no... He is just texting about ever ailment that he might encounter. It was spontaneous as he was driving to work. I don't think it was anything more than that... In my opinion.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Just pay attention in case there are red flags and then when you haven't see any you will feel better. Back to the original post though. I don't think you're asking for too much and I don't think you're being overbearing at all.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

He just texted to tell me that he forgot to leave the car seat for the sitter. Needs me to go pick up kids from school. It's a 25 minute drive each way and I'm at work. I told him I couldn't. He said well I guess the kids will have to go without car seat... So I'm stuck. 




Thundarr said:


> Just pay attention in case there are red flags and then when you haven't see any you will feel better. Back to the original post though. I don't think you're asking for too much and I don't think you're being overbearing at all.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> He just texted to tell me that he forgot to leave the car seat for the sitter. Needs me to go pick up kids from school. It's a 25 minute drive each way and I'm at work. I told him I couldn't. He said well I guess the kids will have to go without car seat... So I'm stuck.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe he should call his mom and have her pick them up. She or someone obviously did everything for him before you took over the job .


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

He thinks I'm overreacting. The boy is 5. I think a booster is necessity. 




Thundarr said:


> Maybe he should call his mom and have her pick them up. She or someone obviously did everything for him before you took over the job .


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

These are the kinds of texts I get from my husband while I'm at work. Thoughts?

"Do women grunt and groan in the ladies room? I imagine not. I've never been in a men's room before where guys make more noise doing their business. Some guy in there was somewhere between a 16 mile run and lifting his car off the family dog. It smells like 5 day old greece of a cheeseburger"






ConcernedinMO said:


> He thinks I'm overreacting. The boy is 5. I think a booster is necessity.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> These are the kinds of texts I get from my husband while I'm at work. Thoughts?
> 
> "Do women grunt and groan in the ladies room? I imagine not. I've never been in a men's room before where guys make more noise doing their business. Some guy in there was somewhere between a 16 mile run and lifting his car off the family dog. It smells like 5 day old greece of a cheeseburger"
> 
> ...


..he must be from the east side of MO......

seriously.....I have a wicked, warped and sadly bent sense of humor at times......but that was just awful......I can only hope he did a cut and paste of that from some odd website or forum...


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

No! This is constant! I am always getting texts about someone's farts etc. I ask him to stop but he finds himself SO funny. I think he is repulsive and it doesn't make me want to talk to him or be around him! 




oneMOreguy said:


> ..he must be from the east side of MO......
> 
> seriously.....I have a wicked, warped and sadly bent sense of humor at times......but that was just awful......I can only hope he did a cut and paste of that from some odd website or forum...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> No! This is constant! I am always getting texts about someone's farts etc. I ask him to stop but he finds himself SO funny. I think he is repulsive and it doesn't make me want to talk to him or be around him!
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm smiling. I can't help it.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

You think he is THAT funny? 




Thundarr said:


> I'm smiling. I can't help it.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

I'm smiling too. 

Oh c'mon give him a break already. He's saying stuff to you coz he can't share it with others.

Me thinks with the constant attention he wants from you, he's a little insecure with regards to you.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Well if you look at the big picture... The guy who texts me all this stuff compulsively can't possibly be bothered when I NEED him. You know? He thinks this is funny stuff.. But the elephant in the room is that I can't ever get him to respond to ME when it's necessary. 

See why I get annoyed? 




Buildingblocks said:


> I'm smiling too.
> 
> Oh c'mon give him a break already. He's saying stuff to you coz he can't share it with others.
> 
> Me thinks with the constant attention he wants from you, he's a little insecure with regards to you.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

so what did you do about the booster? here in california its illegal for a 5 yr old to be without a booster. 8 or 80 lbs. is the law.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I drive to him and dropped off the booster seat. My husband insisted it was fine... Despite the fact it's illegal where I am too. 





Shiksa said:


> so what did you do about the booster? here in california its illegal for a 5 yr old to be without a booster. 8 or 80 lbs. is the law.[/QUOTE
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Well if you look at the big picture... The guy who texts me all this stuff compulsively can't possibly be bothered when I NEED him. You know? He thinks this is funny stuff.. But the elephant in the room is that I can't ever get him to respond to ME when it's necessary.
> 
> See why I get annoyed?
> 
> ...


Sending disgusting funny text and taking care of his business are two very different topics.

Fix the taking care of business part.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

How might I fix it... When I address it and then 2 days later find out I have to leave work for a car seat issue that he won't handle. I could make my point and not go... But I can't jeapordizs the safety of a child just to make a point... 




Thundarr said:


> Sending disgusting funny text and taking care of his business are two very different topics.
> 
> Fix the taking care of business part.


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