# The Futility of Couples Therapy?



## Cletus

Found this today:

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/07/28/the-futility-of-couples-therapy/?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&version=Moth-Visible&module=inside-nyt-region&region=inside-nyt-region&WT.nav=inside-nyt-region&_r=0

I've been married as long as the author, and we've only used therapy once. After a half-dozen trips, my wife declared that we weren't going any more because the only thing she saw was someone getting us at each other's throats, and we didn't need any help with that. That, and I think she expected to get more of her way .


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## Fozzy

I laughed at that scene in Titanic also.


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## Faithful Wife

I haven't read all the stats about this, but apparently marriage counseling has a dismal "success" rate, if you go by marriages that were saved by MC...apparently there is very little evidence that MC ever saves a marriage from divorce at all.

Though I have read from some who have had great experiences with MC and it really helped their marriage, I'm not sure those couples were that close to divorce, though.

So I guess it all depends on what a couple is hoping to get from MC.

My H and I have been to 3 separate MC's. They all helped a little, but none of them made any huge impact on our marriage. The reading I've done on my own and each of us doing inner work on ourselves is what has made an impact on our marriage, above anything else.

But by and far, getting physically separated is what helped us the most.


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## Fozzy

FW--how about updating your thread and let us know how it's going for you?


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## Fozzy

I think part of the reason couples therapy has such a bad record is that people wait too long to go. I think it's probably more successful as a preventative measure, instead of putting Humpty Dumpty back together.


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## Faithful Wife

True, I'm sure most couples who are in MC are probably already past the point of no return, or very close to it.


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## Lila

Thanks for the heads up @Cletus. We haven't had the 'pleasure' of couples counseling YET but it's in the works. 

H is seeing someone now for his anxiety which he's dealt with on and off the last few years but it's gotten pretty bad recently. It's not bad enough to treat with drugs but it's causing him PA again. He, nor I for that matter, can figure out what's causing his anxiety to ramp up. Therapist seems to think I might be contributing to it, go figure . Wants us to come in for some couple's counseling. Suffice it to say that I feel like I'm being lead to the slaughterhouse. :frown2:


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## Mr.Fisty

Fozzy said:


> I think part of the reason couples therapy has such a bad record is that people wait too long to go. I think it's probably more successful as a preventative measure, instead of putting Humpty Dumpty back together.



I agree, by the time couples do make it to MC, they are on the verge of separating. Then bringing up past hurt to an already strenious situation could be the last straw. It is like emotional compounding with the anger and hurt that is already there. Something that takes years to get into will not be undone any time soon.

If I were a counselor, my first steps would be bringing about positive emotions before tackling issues. I figure, the closer the couple is, the more they will listen to one another. I

Never been to couple counseling, so I really have no clue how a majority of them operate.


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## Cletus

Fozzy said:


> I think part of the reason couples therapy has such a bad record is that people wait too long to go. I think it's probably more successful as a preventative measure, instead of putting Humpty Dumpty back together.


What finally sent us in was a complete impasse on a problem that really had no precedent in our relationship, so there was no going in earlier for a solution. We went in when we realized that we weren't really going to be able to come to a mutually agreeable solution together.

The MC didn't really help us resolve it, but that's sort of the nature of an impasse. I was OK with the process, but it did not work for my wife. It's not a Marital Extinction Level Event, so we're going to have to just tough it out.


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## Cletus

The author of the article was commenting not on how her marriage was too far gone for the counseling, but that the counseling was too inadequate to really help her marriage.


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## Faithful Wife

Yes, she just tossed in there at the end that she finally "got sober"...I'm guessing that was what really needed to occur.


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