# Need advice from the fellas on here.



## mettophobic (Jun 21, 2012)

Initially, I joined this forum to complain. Oh so many complaints. But before I did that I read in the section on how a lot of the guys felt about things their wives were doing. And I realized I have the good opportunity to get advice from a man on how to let my husband know how I am feeling without hurting his. 

For one, and I think this is the case on a lot of things, he doesn't really help around the house much. In all fairness (to me... lol) I work out of home, he works from home. But I do all the laundry all the dishes, etc. How do I get the point across to him that I want him to help me out a little more without making him feel like I think I dont value what he does do for us? 

Also, romance. My husband is just not the romantic gesture kind of guy. There is actually no romance. He treats me well, great, he never makes me feel bad, or ugly. But he doesn't do anything spontaneous. How do I let him know that that is something I STILL need, without hurting his feelings?

Thank you!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Guys don't pick up hints very well. Straight forward is the way to go. If I'm not told outright I assume everything is fine.


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## mettophobic (Jun 21, 2012)

Thanks for the response. I dont leave him hints, I haven't really said anything. My mother is a mega nag and has been married a million times. I am always afraid of ruining our marriage by nagging him. 

I know that not saying something is just going to turn me into a bottler! GAH! I wish marriage meant you could read your partners mind!!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

maybe try to find something he likes to do and do it with him. This in turn may open up conversation on you need help in other areas in the house.

Or nice words go a long way. 
"Hey honney I would really love it if you would ------" And I am thinking we could do -----. I know you really like -----


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## mettophobic (Jun 21, 2012)

Thats great advice!! Thank you!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

You could always try positive reinforcement. My wife jumped my bones one time after I did the dishes. Then shes started drawing it out. I finally caught on but not my teenager does the dishes and my 10 year old does the laundry.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Sit him down for a long, serious talk. As Joe stated, we don't pick up hints. We need to be told directly.
Just be direct, but not as if he were in trouble. Tell him what you expect and need out of him and see where it goes.

At the same time, be prepared for the same directness from him. There may be some things that you are or are not doing that he needs to get out in the open.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with the other posters. 
Men need a problem to be laid out in front of them. I know I do. Let him know how you feel. Don't put it in adversary form, just ask him for his ideas on helping the situation. Most men like to think they solved the problem. 

Have you read The Five Love Languages. Here's a link, get him to take the test with you. Good Luck.

Home - The 5 Love Languages®


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I know of some wives in your exact situation.
At home I do the dishes and also cook . I love to cook.

Some guys you can sit an talk and get through to. 
Others the only way to get through with them is with a sledge hammer.
If he is in the second category,then read on.
Here's my " sledge hammer " advice to you.
Some people operate on the basis of rewards. That is,if they are promised a tangible, desirable reward , they are motivated.
If the romance sucks , then obviously, for you, the sex is also not up to mark. 
In a very subtle,tactful way, find out what he likes in bed. You can then [ tactfully ] promise him to do * stuff * he desires in bed ,if he listens to you. If you are already giving him that * stuff * then try to " regulate " it downwards until he starts listening.

Some may disagree with this,but my rationale is that even if she does nothing,things will still get worse ,anyway.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

On the house chores thing...everybody got that covered in previous responses.

In the romance thing? Think of men as dogs. It was previously mentioned that positive reinforcement is the way to go for getting him to do house chores. The same rings true for romance. If he thinks he's not getting what he *wants* out of it, he won't do it.
Edit: Jeez. I really gotta start reading all the posts before I chime in. C-Man covered it in the post above.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I've lurked for a while, but just joined. I have to caution about the "reward" system. That may very well work, but it really depends on how he views the relationship. If you already have a good physical relationship, then something special as a reward is great. But if he thinks you only have sex as a reward...that's not a good thing.

But I agree with the others - be direct, just not judgemental. Perhaps start it off with each of you suggesting 2 or 3 things the other could do to make things better/easier. That way you build in give and take. You don't just want something from him, you are offering a two way street.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

No Hints!

TELLHIM WHAT IT IS HE NEEDS TO DO!

My wufe would often get pissy with me for things she wanted me to do but never told me! Men are awful at picking up on hints!


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## MPDBlues (May 26, 2012)

Asking very directly of your H to help out around the house is great...but before you give him a long 'honey do list' think about the things he does do...does he take care of the garbage, all the yard work, and handle the repairs and fixes around the house when needed? If so, asking for some additional help in a few areas is fine...but try and balance that against what he already does...

And for goodness sake, if you want him to continue to help with things like dishes or laundry, DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WAY HE DOES IT...LOL and yes the previous comments about rewards are the way to win him over...telling him after a great romp that it was because you got so hot watching him doing the dishes will always make him smile, and he might do them again, I would...


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