# Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me



## garrarda

Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.

I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.

She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.

The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).

Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.

My sister told me to stop following her around and back off, and that might start to make her think, also for me to start taking some control over this, rather than her doing this.

Then last night I did exactly that, she left in the car and came back 5 mins later and explodes at me becuase I have caused an argument between her and him (so now I am fault for that too!!)

I think she is only still with me for money, apparently he has none has debts up to his eyeballs, and suffers with issues including depression - my response to this was, what a great catch she has there!!

I have gone to stay at my sisters for a few days to give me and her space, I have also started things rolling such as setting up a seperate bank acct, so all my money goes into that rather than the joint acct.

Unless anyone can say different is there any hope for us???


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## Amplexor

Your sister is correct. Read up on the 180 and get Dobson's Love Must be Tough. If she wants space she needs to find it on her own. Go back to the home and tell her if she needs space to find her own place. The more you chase her the more she will pull away. Sounds like TOM is a piece of work, let her see what she is losing by letting her go.

Yes there is hope.


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## barbados

Did she say how she met the OM ? and how did you find out ?


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## badbane

she is in love with another man after only 4 months yea right. The kids are adults so there is not support issue there. So you need to cut her A## off. You are a perfect canindate for "the 180"
You need to stop talking to her, stop pursuing her, stop sending her texts, stop responding to her, and and all communication should be emotionless. Do not react to anything she says just play it cool. Start working on yourself, Cut her off except for what she needs in order to live. IE cancel credit cards, phones, if the car is only in your name take the keys. If she wants to be in love with someone else. Let him pay to deal with her. 

I am being honest this is likely a lot longer than a 4 month A. She probably has been having sex with him starting 4 months ago. That's when most cheaters think that there even is an Affair even though there is an long or short term Emotional Affair leading up to a Physical Affair. 
Just look up "the 180" there is a link in the CWI newbie section. I would also start looking for evidence. If you don't know where to start go to the link in my signature and peruse through that thread. If you have questions post in that thread or PM me and I will be glad to help.


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## garrarda

Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?

Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!

Any thoughts??


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## cantdecide

Tell her to leave. Do not leave your home!! She wants space.....well, she needs to go find it and be on her own.


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## aug

And start to protect and isolate your finances and assets from her. Remove her from your will, insurance, etc. 

Learn how to detach from her. When you can see her with indifference, you can make clearer decisions.


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## Falene

If you want sanity and peace in your life, do the 180.

If you want a chance of saving your marriage, do the 180.

Are you looking for a plan of action that will serve you in a positive way no matter if the marriage lives or dies? Do the 180.


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## badbane

garrarda said:


> Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?
> 
> Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!
> 
> Any thoughts??


yea sure setup another account. If she is a STAHM then all you are on the hook for is the money to buy food, pay for the house, whatever. If she has a job then you don't really have to give her access to a dime of your money.

You get your butt back into your house. She is the one that is cheating not you. That house is in your name. You go home. Stop acting like this is somehow your fault. The second she decided to go outside of your marriage to get attention or affection from another man. Is the second you became a betrayed spouse. Which means she screwed up and is using lies and false justifications to excuse her behavior.


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## underwater2010

Your were right on spot to set up a seperate bank account. Although if you divorce it might still be considered half hers. 

As far as no where to go, are all her relatives dead in the country, if not she has somewhere to go. Or hell, tell her to go to her MOM. I am sure he will put her up. But not before you tell the other BS.

Do not leave the house, make her leave.


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## aug

garrarda said:


> Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!
> 
> Any thoughts??



She wants to leave, so she goes. Not you.


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## survivorwife

garrarda said:


> Found out of Saturday my wife has fallen in love with another man, this hase been going on for 4 months.
> 
> I obviously am very upset by this we have been married for 19 years, been together 26 years and have 3 great grown up kids.
> 
> *She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.*
> 
> The reason for these options is that apprently the other man (she says) is unlikely to leave his wife and 3 younger kids, so my reaction to that is why is she seeing him? she swears blind that there relationship has not got to the full sexual intercourse point (strange given over 4 months).
> 
> Everytime I have tried to talk to her, she says I am grilling her and cornering her.


Uh no. Respectfully, she doesn't get to dictate where you go from here. She cheated. She forfeited her rights to dictate terms. The ball is now in your court. You dictate the terms.

1. She dumps the OM NOW, No Contact, Period.

2. She leaves the home NOW while she tries to sort out her feelings.

3. You see a lawyer and file for divorce.

If you want her to come to her senses and have any chance of a reconciliation, then YOU have to take charge.


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## cantdecide

Go take her things to the OM's house. Bet that won't go over well in a couple of ways!!


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## Amplexor

garrarda said:


> Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?
> 
> Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!
> 
> Any thoughts??


Her reaction is typical but keep in mind that she has stepped out on the marriage, not you. You should not be accepting of punishment for her bad behavior. She has no place to go? She should have thought of that before hand. Do not enable her by bowing to her needs. Now is a time to go against your instincts. Don't pursue her, don't dote on her, stand your ground and tell her if she wants to go, go. You are her husband, *not plan B*


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## survivorwife

garrarda said:


> Thanks Amplexor, am I right to setup seperate bank account or does that make it worse?
> 
> Also she says she has know where to go (to which I told her tough luck), so she said I should go, because my job allows me to work from pretty much anywhere, my answer to that was why should I go, I am the hurt party here!
> 
> Any thoughts??


Do not leave your home. The burden is entirely on her to find a place to go. And the bank account thing? You have every right to secure your funds.

Always remember that this isn't your fault. She cheated. You did nothing wrong. Protect yourself.


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## garrarda

Thanks badblane

your right, I am so confused and hurt over this, I will read the 180 stuff, also so far the kids have not been told (which she does not want) should I tell them, or is this pushing her even further away?

Everything I hear from her says she would only stay for money, she even had the cheek to buy a new dress yesterday, when I told her why should bought that, she said it will look nice, and I would buy it for her (sweet smile, and quick kiss).

So that said it all for me. She is clever most of the conversation is done via email on here ipad (which I bought her just for a little present- mug I am).

Apprently this all started on a night out on the town with a couple of girlfriends from work, she exchanged cell phone numbers with him, so I feel very betrayed, espeically as this particually night the 3 of them did not get back home till 5am, what is even more annoying is that I out of the 3 other halfs was the one who after the initial explosion of anger calmed down the quickest.... how wrong I was!!!


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## SadSamIAm

You need to tell the OM's wife about the affair her husband is having with your wife. 

She deserves to know that she is being cheated on.


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## SadSamIAm

garrarda said:


> Thanks badblane
> 
> your right, I am so confused and hurt over this, I will read the 180 stuff, also so far the kids have not been told (which she does not want) should I tell them, or is this pushing her even further away?
> 
> Everything I hear from her says she would only stay for money, she even had the cheek to buy a new dress yesterday, when I told her why should bought that, she said it will look nice, and I would buy it for her (sweet smile, and quick kiss).
> 
> So that said it all for me. She is clever most of the conversation is done via email on here ipad (which I bought her just for a little present- mug I am).


After you have cancelled her credit cards and removed all her funds, take her Ipad and 'drop' it on some concrete. 

Being a nice guy will not help your situation.


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## 5Creed

Why worry about "pushing her away" at this point? She is walking all over you; buying a new dress; really? OMG!

The kids are probably going to find out anyway-and is usually the hardest thing to deal with when dealing with an infidelity issue. Your choice whether you want to tell them or not; but please do not be concerned about pushing her away if you do decide to tell them. She is already gone right now!


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## barbados

Please take the great advice of all the posters above you have been given. No more mr. nice guy crap ! Its YOUR house. Throw her a$$ out pronto !! A married woman of 19 years going out partying till 5 am ?? I would have changed the damn locks on her !! Complete 180 immediately and let the broke OM pay for her cheating a$$ !!!


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## mahike

OK let’s start with that has gone on way longer than 4 months and I very much doubt that they have not had sex. This is the trickle truth and her exploding at you is blame shifting
.
Get your butt back in the house and tell her to get out. Expose the affair to your family and hers. If you know who the other man is expose this to his wife right away. She has a right to know. Do not tell your wife you are going to expose the A she will blame you for breaking up another family.

File for divorce today and have her served and at work if possible. You do not have to go through with it but she needs to know you have a back bone and all the choices are not hers.

Really make sure your kids know about the A it is at the very least an EA but I very much doubt that this is not a PA

Do not have sex with her at this point no matter what happens. If she says she wants to R with you make her go to the DR and get checked for STD’s and makes her prove it to you. She will BS you they never had sex. Remind her she has to re earn you trust since she has cheated and lied to you.

Get into counseling as soon as you can. Read up in the 180 and get started on it now.


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## hookares

Get some divorce papers drawn up and tell her you'll give her twenty four hours to decide if you are good enough for her. There's no way you should be dangling on her string waiting for her to decide if you are.


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## mahike

What ever you do no Mr. Nice guy. I tried that it does not work. My wife and I are in R now but I really had to shake her tree and had to let her know I was done taking the high road and being a nice guy. Everything against the grain for me


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## mahike

Sorry just read this. She does not want you to tell the kids. What does it matter what she wants. Pick up the phone and call them right now.


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## Chris989

Sorry, but she is having an affair. Read my story. I got the same lame bullsht.


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## Fvstringpicker

You really need to help her make the right decision, for you, by choosing him. Since she's in love with the other guy, an not you no matter what she sez, you can probably negotiate for your benefit. Once you're rid of her, get yourself a younger loyal woman and leave the old gal to her own devices.
Believe me, when they cross the line to be with another, and than want to come home to ole reliable, it ain't every gonna be the same. You'll always know you're her most expedient choice.
And BTW, the BF ain't gonna be willing to trade in the car he has now unless he's already test drove the replacement.


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## Zanna

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this...Your W is being very selfish.

But listen to the posters above.

My H was having an affair. I had no idea. All I knew is that he asked for a D and then proceeded to act like a huge drama queen for the next 4 months. At first, I packed up his clothing and told him to go. Then I bought into his "poor me" attitude and listened to him complain about ME and all the ways I had hurt him. Finally, I realized this was all about him and that he was blaming all of our marriage problems on me (I wish I would have found the board then as I would have dug deeper and uncovered the A and probably saved myself months of confusion). But even without the board, something in me made me realize that if he wanted a D it was time to let him go so I ignored him and stopped coddling him and agreed that if he was not happy, we should divorce. That scared him so much, he never saw OW again and got himself into counselling. I found out about the A after it was over but the same rules applied. The minute I played hard ball with my H was when he suddenly realized what he was losing and he got himself together pretty quickly.

My H turned the corner very fast but it probably also helped that I did not beg, plead or cry in the 4 months proceeding. Many times, I thought I was not being nice enough and had to talk myself into being nice but it turns out that being cold and detaching was EXACTLY what I should have been doing.

The 180 works. It will be hard, VERY hard and she will try to break you but if you want to save your M, you have to stay the course.

She's in an affair fog right now and the only way to get her out of it is to take yourself out of the picture.

And yes, tell your kids. Make the affair as uncomfortable as possible. She wants to lose it all for a man who cheats with a married woman? Well, then let her screw up her life. I'm guessing he will not look so wonderful when she has to trade her honour, integrity and also has to lose the respect of her children to be with his cheating a$$.

Good luck. Stay strong.


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## WorkingOnMe

Damn, it must suck being the back up plan. First things first, you need to expose to everyone. Expose to the kids. Expose to the other man's wife. Expose to her parents. Expose to everyone. You aren't really in a position to make demands like no contact etc because she isn't remorseful at all. Like I said, you're the backup plan. She believes that you're a sure thing and will be waiting when she decides who she wants to support her. You need to take control of this. Don't let her be the one making the choices.

You know you can draw up divorce papers and have her served, and you can always call off the divorce up to the last minute. Having her served is a strong indication that YOU are the one making the choices, not her. And exposing to the other man's wife will enlist her in your fight, because the other man is likely to throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin. Don't hesitate or stall, make this happen. Be decisive.


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## TDSC60

As everyone has said-do not beg, plead, discuss, or try to "nice" her out of the affair. And, by the way, despite what she swears to, she had sex with the other man. This is called trickle truth. You only get bits of truth here and there until she makes her plans (they do not include you).

She is definitely with you for the money and so you can provide her with a safe home will she plays the field.

You have to admit that your marriage is dead - she killed it. What kind of wife goes out until 5 AM and hands her phone number to some strange she met in a bar? The kind that has no respect for her husband, her marriage vows or her marriage in general.

In addition to separating finances, take her off any insurance policies that you have and if you have a will, change it now to benefit your kids only. 

You really need to consult a lawyer and find out what your options are. 

Do not let her control your actions. Protect yourself. If you think your kids need to know, then tell them. Understand that you must prepare yourself to let her go - or even better - kick her out. Kids are grown and gone. I'm betting this is not her first rodeo. I think she has done this before only she hid it very well until the kids were gone. I am afraid your marriage was dead along time ago and you just did not know it. Even if this is the first time, she now has a taste for it and it will not be her last time.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ACT! DO NOT LET YOUR FEAR OF WHAT SHE MIGHT SAY OR DO CONTROL YOU!


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## warlock07

> She says that she needs space to decide whether she will stay with me, leave for this other man or leave and be on here own.


no, she only decides whether to separate from you. Getting back with you is your decision. You will decide if you will take her back.


This woman is totally with you only for the money. Can't get more clearer than that!!


tell the kids.


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## The bishop

garrarda said:


> Thanks badblane
> 
> *your right, I am so confused and hurt over this, I will read the 180 stuff, also so far the kids have not been told (which she does not want) should I tell them, or is this pushing her even further away?*
> Everything I hear from her says she would only stay for money, she even had the cheek to buy a new dress yesterday, when I told her why should bought that, she said it will look nice, and I would buy it for her (sweet smile, and quick kiss).
> 
> So that said it all for me. She is clever most of the conversation is done via email on here ipad (which I bought her just for a little present- mug I am).
> 
> Apprently this all started on a night out on the town with a couple of girlfriends from work, she exchanged cell phone numbers with him, so I feel very betrayed, espeically as this particually night the 3 of them did not get back home till 5am, what is even more annoying is that I out of the 3 other halfs was the one who after the initial explosion of anger calmed down the quickest.... how wrong I was!!!


No No No... Do not act in fear issed: Man up. It is the only way save your marriage


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## hookares

Should you pursue a new relationship, I wouldn't shoot for a gal a whole lot younger. The ones you want to date are those who can appreciate a good man and age is not a factor when determining that. Perhaps you would want a lady who is self sufficient so you can figure that finances aren't the driving factor.


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## TRy

@garrarda: Your wife is cheating on you and not even trying to hide it. She visits the other man (OM) with your full knowledge and is mad at you because you cause the OM and her to fight. She is willing to leave you but the OM is not willing to leave his wife. Finally, she wants you to leave the house and not her. She is acting without remorse and is one of the coldest and most heartless cheaters that I have read about in a long time. Your wife clearly does not respect you at all. Without respect there can be no love. The truth is that you have no marraige because she has already left it, you are just the last to know.

Although the odds are not very good, the best odds of saving this marraige are for you to be willing to leave her. That means that you must man up and and have enough self respect to file for divorce right now and mean it. Stop noticing her good things and focus on her bad things. Truly begin the process of moving on. That is what she has done to you in her mind in order to be so cold and heartless. If she ends up begging you to take her back, then and only then should the thought even cross your mind to take her back. At least this way if you end up divorcing, you will leave this marraige with your dignity and self respect intact.

BTW, time to turn the tables on your wife. Instead of her being in control and weighing her options as you wait for her decision, now is a good time for you to weigh your options. When we are young the math is such that females are more in demand than males; for example a 21 year old female can date men from 21 to to 31, yet a male at 21 usually only dates females from 18 to 21. This math turns around as we get older, where males are more in demand, especially ones with good jobs. You have other options and you should ask yourself if you could do better and find a wife that does not cheat on you. I tell you this because the process of you weighing your options will make you more attractive to all females including your wife. Again, time to man up and take control of your life.


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## warlock07

Do you know if the affair is physical yet ? 

How did she meet the OM ?


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## MattMatt

So she finds some poor sod who is suffering from mental health issues, so probably was not able to make proper decisions regarding an affair and she tries to break up his marriage and your marriage? :wtf:


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## Why Not Be Happy?

lots of good stuff posted on here-----hope you read it and use it. be tough!


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## rrrbbbttt

As Warlock said, Tell the children, she is breaking up the marriage not you. They need to know.

Also as others have said, she has ended the marriage it is not for her to decide if she is willing to go back to you,it is for you to decide if you are willing to take back a Cheating Wife.

She needs to do heavy lifting for you to take her back.

Don't fall for the BS that you would buy it for her. Seperate your assets, Cancel the Credit Cards. Pay the bills you owe but don't supplement her income by buying or letting her buy things for herself with your assets.

DO THE 180, PLEASE


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## WorkingOnMe

Her actions are a clear indication that she thinks her sex rank is much higher than yours and that you have no options but to wait for her.


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## the guy

Affraid to push her away? What? Come on!

My wife didn't start to turn around until showing her the tough love that showed the reality of what she was walking into.

So start making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

* expose to other mans wife 

* expose the A to the kids

* ask her to leave (she cant so move her to the couch)

* stop talking to her,distance your self and start showing her the indifference she diserves.


Once she see how happy you are in letting her go and sees a confident man that can do with out her she will start to think twice.

Then start working out start looking better, get some new clothes and a hair cut, this will get her to second guess her choice. Right now the more attractive you look the better, hence any begging , crying, negitive additude and even arguing will lower your attraction level.

Sure tou my not beable to compete with OM but it will help your self esteem when you start looking better for your self.

The confidence you have in finding someone else works....even if you deside not to keep your wife when the consequences of her action start to sink in!


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## garrarda

thanks everyone you are really giving me some strength on this, I have come to a decision in my mind, she can F%$k o££, I have bent over backwards for her over those years working long hard hours to provide her with the high level living she has had. and what does she do start having an affair with the first man who asks her for her mobile number!!

I have a busy few days sorting this sh*t out.

Thanks all, I am also raising my own profile too with various things which make me feel more attractive.


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## garrarda

hi all,

i keep searching for the 180 stuff but it keeps comin up with nothing found.... can you give me a clue?

thanks


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## Amplexor

Please post any link to the 180 rules outside of TAM. Do not post them or any part of them in TAM. It is copyrighted material and the author has already notified us not to post it. Thanks.


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## giashasa2012

Link for the 180 

Recovering From Affairs: 180 - Handy Reminder


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## giashasa2012

Sorry for posting the list , didnt think about copyright violation.


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## Dad&Hubby

garrarda said:


> thanks everyone you are really giving me some strength on this, I have come to a decision in my mind, she can F%$k o££, I have bent over backwards for her over those years working long hard hours to provide her with the high level living she has had. and what does she do start having an affair with the first man who asks her for her mobile number!!
> 
> I have a busy few days sorting this sh*t out.
> 
> Thanks all, I am also raising my own profile too with various things which make me feel more attractive.


DAMN STRAIGHT!! Be prepared for her to fight for you once you start kicking her to the curb. Make it 100% CLEAR that she may be trying to decide for her, but YOU HAVE MADE YOUR DECISION FOR YOURSELF and frankly...she has ZERO SAY. Kick her out NOW!! She's been a total beetch seriously. That's some MAJOR disrespect. Having an affair, then openly saying, "I'm going to put you on the back burner because you're my PET, not my husband. Your feelings and thoughts really hold no importance or value in this marriage. Now get back to work and make me a sammich because I OWN YOU!!" Uhhhh. You need to get yourself a cake that is a layer cake, except side by side. Have some black strips of frosting put on it. Put a candle on the top, you can even invite her to the party. "This is the first birthday of my balls being MINE AGAIN!!" Happy Ball DAY TO ME. HAPPY BALL DAY TO ME!!

She may not have a slice, but it'll still be a fun party!!


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## giashasa2012

Buy a VAR and have it always with you , record every conversation that you have with your WW ,protect your self .


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## Jellybeans

Do not beg, plead, grovel for her to stay with you.
You must act indifferent (even if it's not how you feel).
Listen: tell her, "If you want out, go. But I am not living my home because you are aving an affair. No way. And I will not live in an open marriage."

You should tell the OM's wife that he is actively in an affair with your wife. Do this without ANY warning to your wife or the OM (so they don't have times to get their stories straight.

The 180 is for YOU, not to get her back. Basically do the opposite of what you'v ebeen doing. If you have been trying to convince her to stay--don't. Tell her if she wants out, GoODBYE. 

Get some new cologne, meet up with old friends, be mysterious.


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## Chaparral

Number 1 call the OM's wife and tell her. TOM almost always picks his family and throws his affair partner under the bus.

Find texts, phone bills, facebook chats etc. No doubt this is a physical affair. You have all thredflags and more.

Read Married Man Sex Life now to see why this happened and what to do.


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## Chaparral

BTW, she wants you out of the house because they can't/don't want to afford a motel.


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## Entropy3000

survivorwife said:


> Uh no. Respectfully, she doesn't get to dictate where you go from here. She cheated. She forfeited her rights to dictate terms. The ball is now in your court. You dictate the terms.
> 
> 1. She dumps the OM NOW, No Contact, Period.
> 
> 2. She leaves the home NOW while she tries to sort out her feelings.
> 
> 3. You see a lawyer and file for divorce.
> 
> If you want her to come to her senses and have any chance of a reconciliation, then YOU have to take charge.


I totally agree with this.

Only do the 180 if you are done and going to divorce her ASAP. Or if you are willing to take her back after her affair runs its course. My personal feeling is that if my wife left me for another man I would never take her back. But that is just me. You may feel differently.

I would not agree to space. Space is as she says an opportunity to try out another guy with you as third choice behind just being gone from you.

I would tell her this stops immediately or you file for divorce and do the 180.

Pragmatically the ones saying do an immediate 180 may just feel that she is too far gone already perhaps. I am just saying I would give it one last shot.

But her saying they have not gone full blown intercourse yet is saying that they are doing everything else short of that. Which means this is an ongoing PA and has been for a while.


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## Entropy3000

SadSamIAm said:


> You need to tell the OM's wife about the affair her husband is having with your wife.
> 
> She deserves to know that she is being cheated on.


Yes. Blow this fantasy up. She is throwing herself off the cliff in what she is doing. The OM is preying on her.


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## MoreOfaMan

Go back to your home, tell her to get the hell out of your house, and return only for the rest of her possessions. 

She basically told you that the reason she's with you is because he won't leave his Mrs....so you're going to feed her, keep her sheltered and let her have her way until he decides it's time she leaves you and come with him..

You are letting him control you in the same swoop..

This one's a no brainer.....get up, dust yourself off, and crack on.


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## ladybird

There are way to many new people here =(

You have come to the right place!

You need to tell the other mans wife, for starters. Blow the affair wide open. Do you know who he is? if not can you find out?

If she wants her space, She needs to leave the house, not you.

I completely agree with every one.


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## Acabado

Good Lord, man.
Pack her stuff in garbage bags, unload it at OM's fromt yard. Epose the shole enchlada to his poor BW.
Change the locks, cut her finances.
Go dark on her, block her, don't answer her calls. Go total NC.
Expose her to everybody.
Expose her toxic friends.
Don't leave the house, ever.

Get your balls back from her purse!!


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## happyman64

Garrarda

You have received good sound advice.

Take care of the money and assets first.

Go see an attorney so you know your rights.

Move back home and tell her to leave. Is your wifes name on the mortgage or deed?

Speak to the OM's wife and let her know what is going on. She might know more than you can do.

Expose the Affair to both your familes. Also make sure her friends and friends spouses know what the girls were doing out at 5am. And remember her friends were covering for her.

And oh yes, get tested for STD's because you know they were screwing around all this time.

Drop the hammer as soon as you can. You can cry later!

Protect the kids and yourself. Keep a VAR on you at all times.

Pay her back with some of the love she has been showing you. Not!
:lol:

Good Luck and Keep Posting

HM64


----------



## Shaggy

Move back to your home.

Expose immediately to the OM's wife. she deserves to know what her husband has been doing.

BTW - the OM will throw your wife under the bus to save himself. He's obviously already on the fence and not committing to her. So this will be the killer blow to her fantasy world.


----------



## garrarda

Hi everyone,

thanks for all the sound advice, in answer to some of you:

1. I dont know his name, the wife wont say, all I know is he lives within a 10 mile radius of where we are (too close for my liking). Apparently he is scared stiff I will find him and hit him (to be honest why lower myself to this!)

2. I have read all the 180 stuff, it all makes excellent sense, I am going to have to be very focused to not fall off the wagon on some of these points.

3. I have starting changing my life already and have arranged certain things already for my benefit, not hers.

4. I am intending to still stay away until tomorrow for my benefit, not hers.

5. My own Bank account is now setup, and employer informed to pay salary into this account.

6. I have also setup a bills account, and am in the process of moving all standard bills to this account, once this is done I will freeze this account.

7. Here measerly salary goes in tomorrow, so will make sure that is moved first too, and the bulk of my money into my personal account (excluding 'some' of the bills amounts).

8. I am fully prepared to start divorce proceedings now, and am willing to be single again and get on with my life, as my sister said I have a lot going for me, as a person, job etc which should be attractive to a lot of other women.

I have already over the last few days cleared my head a lot, and can see what a shallow, nasty and vindictive person I am currently married to, and have put up with a lot of crap over those 2.5 decades.

I have been questioning, whether I have not been focused on her enough in the earlier part of the year, which could have led to this.... the conclusion I have come to, is that I have bent over backwards for here this year and other years, but this year especially we have had 6 holidays or short breaks some of which have been with the family others just us to Las Vegas, New York, Lanzarote, Spain and Tel Aviv. The last 2 were when this was going on which hurt the most, especially Tel Aviv, as we had a lovely time there having meals out etc, walking hand in hand.

She accused me of never being around much, when I looked at outlook calendar, I told her since June I have only spent 5 days in South Africa, 1 overnight for training, 2 x 1 night stays in Scotland, to which she replied 'So'. So that reason for the affair does not stack up.

Looking at the ealier part of the year I spent 10 days in India in Jan, 5 days in Tel Aviv in Jan, 5 days South Africa end of Feb and 3 days end of May in Prague. So that is not that much, on top of that I work from home, so she sees me more than normal people who have to go to a office Monday - Friday 9am-5pm.

I should add, that I am not perfect and have my imperfections, and we have had our share of arguments, no more than anyone else, but like most couples its the making up that counts. This whole thing has seriously knocked the sutffing out of me, and left me wondering what did I do wrong to make her do this?


----------



## warlock07

She is even hiding the identity of the OM? KIick her out immediately and don't even argue with her. The arguments will lead you nowhere and will leave you frustrated. Get her phone records and find him out. It is always good to have some information on these people.


----------



## Cubby

garrarda said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> 
> I have been questioning, whether I have not been focused on her enough in the earlier part of the year, which could have led to this.... the conclusion I have come to, is that I have bent over backwards for here this year and other years, but this year especially we have had 6 holidays or short breaks some of which have been with the family others just us to Las Vegas, New York, Lanzarote, Spain and Tel Aviv. The last 2 were when this was going on which hurt the most, especially Tel Aviv, as we had a lovely time there having meals out etc, walking hand in hand.
> 
> She accused me of never being around much, when I looked at outlook calendar, I told her since June I have only spent 5 days in South Africa, 1 overnight for training, 2 x 1 night stays in Scotland, to which she replied 'So'. So that reason for the affair does not stack up.
> 
> Looking at the ealier part of the year I spent 10 days in India in Jan, 5 days in Tel Aviv in Jan, 5 days South Africa end of Feb and 3 days end of May in Prague. So that is not that much, on top of that I work from home, so she sees me more than normal people who have to go to a office Monday - Friday 9am-5pm.
> 
> I should add, that I am not perfect and have my imperfections, and we have had our share of arguments, no more than anyone else, but like most couples its the making up that counts. This whole thing has seriously knocked the sutffing out of me, and left me wondering what did I do wrong to make her do this?


I realize it's natural to look at yourself and ask, "Why?" You feel like this is your fault. Stop that. While self-improvement is a good thing, what your wife is doing is not your fault. Cheating is wrong. If your behavior has been killing your marriage, she should demand marriage counseling or simply divorce. Not cheat. 

Most likely this affair has everything to do with this guy being NEW and EXCITING, and you being the stale, same old thing. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because you've been married so long.


----------



## WyshIknew

chapparal said:


> BTW, she wants you out of the house because they can't/don't want to afford a motel.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I need you out the house to see if I still love you means;
Good! With that pain in the arse [email protected] husband of mine gone me and OM can really get it on.

When you finally get home you might want to think about buying a new couch/kitchen table/mattress whatever.

I wouldn't beat yourself up to much about what role you may have had in causing your wife to have an affair. Buy MMSL and read about the 'rationalising hamster'
She has, at the moment, this hamster in her head busily spinning away in her head and it is fueled by the feel good drugs she is getting from the affair. This hamster is rationalising away to get her to justify getting her next fix of mood drugs. And the most obvious person to blame is you.

Time and again I have seen on these forums excuse after excuse offered by WS to justify their cheating and they have almost all been bogus.

These cheaters follow a depressingly predictable 'cheaters script' and many of the veterans on here will be able to tell you exactly what your WS will do next.

The good news for you is that the 'cheaters script' is a subconscious one.
However there is also a betrayed spouse script which you can use, and the good thing is that it is a conscious, deliberate script which will allow you to stay one step ahead of your WS.

Please do as the veterans on here tell you, some of it may seem wrong or counter intuitive to you but it works.

I'm not a veteran like some of these guys but for me step one would be get back in house. Step two expose, no warnings, gather evidence and expose as soon as possible.


----------



## Jellybeans

I agree with Warlock. Time's up for her with this BS. She needs to tell you who he is. Tell her until she does, you are completely done with her. Tell her you want the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If she can't cop to it, then you want nothing to do with her. Tell her this is non-negotiable. Be calm when you tell her this.

Keep your emotions out of it. The more calm you are, the better.

As for wondering what you did right--dear, none of us are perfect. But you didn't "make" her do this. She did this all on her own. It was a choice she made.

I'm sorry.


----------



## Jellybeans

Go home.


----------



## Cubby

Okay, Garrarda, it looks like you're gaining some confidence. Good move on getting finances squared away. 

Now you need to go home. There's nothing good that will come from you being away. It's your house, she did this to you. You did nothing wrong.

You need to put yourself into the driver's seat here. It sounds like you and your wife are at least late 40s, probably in your 50s. What I've noticed in my circle of friends/acquaintances that the divorced/widowed/single women have a difficult time finding quality men. When they ask my wife and I if we know a great guy for them to date, we can't think of anyone! There's a shortage of quality single men out there. And these women are attractive and have a lot going for them. Yet they struggle to find good men.

You need to have the mindset that you're going to be flourish in the next phase of your life after your divorce. Sounds like you have money, so that's a great start. Start working out, buy cool clothes.

And watch your wife come running back to you. You might not want her back. I wouldn't.


----------



## mahike

I hope you are back in the house as of today. Exposure is the next step and do not tell her what is going to happen, Just do it. So at this point you do not know who the POS OM is but that is OK. The slap of being exposed about the A to family and friends both yours and hers is important.

She is in a land of unicorns and rainbows right now and high with the excitement of the A. Exposing this to daylight causes the WS to snap out of it or drives it deeper.

It is all about snapping them out of this dream world and filing for D and having her served with the papers and at work would be the best.

Stay tough have you been to the DR yet? get BP checked, sleep aids if you need them and get checked for STD's

All my best


----------



## WorkingOnMe

You need to find out who her boyfriend is. Get a gps tracker to hide on her car to help you figure out who he is. You need to expose to his wife to enlist her help.


----------



## Chris989

Garrarda.

You did *nothing* wrong. It has *nothing* to do with your behaviour.

Your *wife* decided to cheat. She. Decided. To. Cheat.

If she didn't, then call the police because this terrible man has been forcing himself on her. I hate even typing this word but it was either (edited word for criminal non consensual sex out as it looks so harsh), or it wasn't. If it wasn't then she said "yes". She didn't say "yes" because of what you did - unless you forced her to say "yes" and I rather suspect that you did not.

This is not your fault and to start thinking that is a very slippery slope to depression, loss of confidence and annihilation of your self worth.

You are the good guy here. Keep up the good work so far by taking control and don't let her gutter morals win the day.


----------



## MattMatt

And you know she is having an affair... because she told you? Is it possible that she is just paying you? Setting up a fake lover in the hope you'd just run away, tail between your legs, so she could get an abandonment divorce action against you?

After all, should this happen and your defence were to be: "But she told me she had an affair!" She could smile sweetly at the judge and say: "I never said any such thing!"

That might be wrong, but it's worth considering.


----------



## ladybird

garrarda said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> thanks for all the sound advice, in answer to some of you:
> 
> 1. I dont know his name, the wife wont say, all I know is he lives within a 10 mile radius of where we are (too close for my liking). Apparently he is scared stiff I will find him and hit him (to be honest why lower myself to this!)
> 
> 2. I have read all the 180 stuff, it all makes excellent sense, I am going to have to be very focused to not fall off the wagon on some of these points.
> 
> 3. I have starting changing my life already and have arranged certain things already for my benefit, not hers.
> 
> 4. I am intending to still stay away until tomorrow for my benefit, not hers.
> 
> 5. My own Bank account is now setup, and employer informed to pay salary into this account.
> 
> 6. I have also setup a bills account, and am in the process of moving all standard bills to this account, once this is done I will freeze this account.
> 
> 7. Here measerly salary goes in tomorrow, so will make sure that is moved first too, and the bulk of my money into my personal account (excluding 'some' of the bills amounts).
> 
> 8. I am fully prepared to start divorce proceedings now, and am willing to be single again and get on with my life, as my sister said I have a lot going for me, as a person, job etc which should be attractive to a lot of other women.
> 
> I have already over the last few days cleared my head a lot, and can see what a shallow, nasty and vindictive person I am currently married to, and have put up with a lot of crap over those 2.5 decades.
> 
> I have been questioning, whether I have not been focused on her enough in the earlier part of the year, which could have led to this.... the conclusion I have come to, is that I have bent over backwards for here this year and other years, but this year especially we have had 6 holidays or short breaks some of which have been with the family others just us to Las Vegas, New York, Lanzarote, Spain and Tel Aviv. The last 2 were when this was going on which hurt the most, especially Tel Aviv, as we had a lovely time there having meals out etc, walking hand in hand.
> 
> She accused me of never being around much, when I looked at outlook calendar, I told her since June I have only spent 5 days in South Africa, 1 overnight for training, 2 x 1 night stays in Scotland, to which she replied 'So'. So that reason for the affair does not stack up.
> 
> Looking at the ealier part of the year I spent 10 days in India in Jan, 5 days in Tel Aviv in Jan, 5 days South Africa end of Feb and 3 days end of May in Prague. So that is not that much, on top of that I work from home, so she sees me more than normal people who have to go to a office Monday - Friday 9am-5pm.
> 
> I should add, that I am not perfect and have my imperfections, and we have had our share of arguments, no more than anyone else, but like most couples its the making up that counts. This whole thing has seriously knocked the sutffing out of me, and left me wondering what did I do wrong to make her do this?


 YOu can get his information if you can get his phone number! You can do a reverse search with the number and get a name, it will cost you a few buck though.

You need to find out who he is and tell his wife! That will blow the affair wide open, and he will throw your wife under the bus to save his own ass.


----------



## Headspin

garrarda said:


> I have already over the last few days cleared my head a lot, and can see what a shallow, nasty and vindictive person I am currently married to, and have put up with a lot of crap over those 2.5 decades.
> 
> I have been questioning, whether I have not been focused on her enough in the earlier part of the year, which could have led to this.... the conclusion I have come to, is that I have bent over backwards for here this year and other years, but this year especially we have had 6 holidays or short breaks some of which have been with the family others just us to Las Vegas, New York, Lanzarote, Spain and Tel Aviv. The last 2 were when this was going on which hurt the most, especially Tel Aviv, as we had a lovely time there having meals out etc, walking hand in hand.
> 
> She accused me of never being around much, when I looked at outlook calendar, I told her since June I have only spent 5 days in South Africa, 1 overnight for training, 2 x 1 night stays in Scotland, to which she replied 'So'. So that reason for the affair does not stack up.
> 
> Looking at the ealier part of the year I spent 10 days in India in Jan, 5 days in Tel Aviv in Jan, 5 days South Africa end of Feb and 3 days end of May in Prague. So that is not that much, on top of that I work from home, so she sees me more than normal people who have to go to a office Monday - Friday 9am-5pm.
> 
> I should add, that I am not perfect and have my imperfections, and we have had our share of arguments, no more than anyone else, but like most couples its the making up that counts. This whole thing has seriously knocked the sutffing out of me,* and left me wondering what did I do wrong to make her do this?*


You are instinctively making the right moves already but this last line you really must think about and get to a better conclusion with.

Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes but certain personality traits emerge very strong - 'entitlement' - they are owed this nice double life which you, through not giving them enough "attention" 'made them ' seek it elsewhere but hey THEY sought it not you.

I can relate to that walking hand in hand stuff that shows a callousness and pure nasty streak that you will never ever come to terms with.

Listen to this one from me - sitting at a dinner table for her birthday kids either side of her in a classy beautiful special place she mouths ( uncomfortably it has to be said) "I love yous" to us three whilst at that exact moment sending off a text message on the phone saying I love you to OM !! we photoed her and videoed her doing it at that exact time same time as the texts mails that I later uncovered !!! 

How's that for classy ?!

Every one thinks my stbxw is a warm bubbly life and soul ( you'd think it if you met her) but that's what they are capable of when in the fog, vindictive nasty spiteful even to their kids

I sadly think as your love dissipates you're about to find out you were married to a very very different person you thought you were

_*"what did I do wrong to make her do this"*_ Absolutely nothing, she could take your heart out and start slicing into little pieces .......and guess what 

............she decided to go right on ahead and continue to do it

your fault ? course it is!


----------



## Acabado

Find out who OM is, first task: By GPS, by borrowing a friend's car and following her, by snooping the phone bill, by hiring a PI.

Do it yesteeday.

Also proceed with exposure.


----------



## Shaggy

Put a gps tracker on her car and phone.

Make finding OM your number one mission.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Shaggy said:


> Put a gps tracker on her car and phone.
> 
> Make finding OM your number one mission.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Also a VAR in her car


----------



## garrarda

well started the whole 180 stuff, can really see the benefits of this, wife hated the fact I would not tell here where I have been staying the last few days. I know she is desperate to know, as she was shocked at the different me that walked back into the house.

Told here straight, while calm and collective.

If I am honest I dont think this marriage will survive even if we try, there has been to much harm done. I think she is of the opinion that she would be better off on her own anyway...

I have next steps of plan already organised, as well as building personal self confidence and gettting into even better shape.

She is nothing but full of contradictions, she said that she was expecting me home on Thursday night and even made dinner for me (but I was always coming home friday). Then on friday was constantly calling me wanting to know when I was home and if I was ok, i ignored these and let her wait until I got home. On top of that she had bought concert tickets for August next year for us both (which we go to every year) and emailed friends who we go with to confirm this too.... that does not make sense to me?


----------



## TDSC60

Tell her to return the tickets and get a refund. Tell her at this point in time you do not see the logic in planning anything with her at any time in the future.


----------



## aug

garrarda said:


> well started the whole 180 stuff, can really see the benefits of this, wife hated the fact I would not tell here where I have been staying the last few days. I know she is desperate to know, as she was shocked at the different me that walked back into the house.
> 
> Told here straight, while calm and collective.
> 
> If I am honest I dont think this marriage will survive even if we try, there has been to much harm done. I think she is of the opinion that she would be better off on her own anyway...
> 
> I have next steps of plan already organised, as well as building personal self confidence and gettting into even better shape.
> 
> She is nothing but full of contradictions, she said that she was expecting me home on Thursday night and even made dinner for me (but I was always coming home friday). Then on friday was constantly calling me wanting to know when I was home and if I was ok, i ignored these and let her wait until I got home. On top of that she had bought concert tickets for August next year for us both (which we go to every year) and emailed friends who we go with to confirm this too.... that does not make sense to me?


You're her shore of refuge while she's out f**king the other man. She needs you there just in case.

You'll get no closure or remorse from her till she spills all the details. So far, it looks like she wont.


----------



## happyman64

Garrarda
Your wife is not going to act rational at all.

She is in luv with someone else.

You need to 180 her hard. And find the OM.

Exposé the A to everyone including his wife.


----------



## AlphaHalf

> She is nothing but full of contradictions, she said that she was expecting me home on Thursday night and even made dinner for me (but I was always coming home friday). Then on friday was constantly calling me wanting to know when I was home and if I was ok, i ignored these and let her wait until I got home. On top of that she had bought concert tickets for August next year for us both (which we go to every year) and emailed friends who we go with to confirm this too.... that does not make sense to me?


My guess is this is her crazy attempt to rugsweep the affair. She is now acting like everything is normal and trying to get your guard down. She sensed a change in you and is now worried, She will try to manipulate you anyway she can think of. Maybe she'll try to give you false hope that she is ok now and wants things to be normal like before DDay. Don't let her confuse you and *Stay focused on what you want to do. *


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Just realized that she's about to get dumped by both of you. So now she is scared.


----------



## TDSC60

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just realized that she's about to get dumped by both of you. So now she is scared.


I agree. Since she and OM had a blow-up and OM knows that garrarda knows about the affair and is scared of exposure, then it is likely that OM is bailing out.

Just remember garrada, you were always the third option behind, go to OM or live on her own. 

Do not let her scam you into believing she has suddenly fallen out of love with OM or suddenly realizes that you are the love of her life. She is scared to loose her cushy life that you have financed and that is all. She seems to be very manipulative and panics when she loses control of the situation.


----------



## Chaparral

Actually, after exposure, many waywards get that WTF have I done? Its not unusual for cheaters to see the whole thing was a stupid fantasy in the first place. She really could be wanting to reconcile and think she has done something stupid. Unfortunately, even after they see the light they may not be able to admit they have done somthing wrong. There have been stories here that when caught in be with their affair partner they will stilldeny everything. LOL


----------



## giashasa2012

Continue with the 180 and serve her divorce papers , don't lose any time secondguessing yourself. Let her fight for you , let her chase you , and if she doesn't then you know.

Your number one priority is your self never forget this , she chose to be selfish now its your turn


----------



## Shaggy

Right now her biggest fear is the OM suffering blow back from her cheating.

That is why finding him and sharing the love with him, is your #1 most effective thing to do.


----------



## Acabado

> On top of that she had bought concert tickets for August next year for us both (which we go to every year) and emailed friends who we go with to confirm this too.... that does not make sense to me?


She "had"? Do you mean recently? I think even if she did before it's irrelevant. It's likely she wanted eat her cake for a while, she never though you'd bail while she was "trying" OM, you always were a secure thing, waiting for her. People in affiars befome self centered and narcissistic.

Now, with OM likely out the picture she's for the first time thjinking about the loss. She' not at charge anyore, she lost the control she believed she had (total self bullsh1ting).

I predict a total turn around from her. Now shew will realize "it was not love but a fantasy", she's "scared to lose you", she made "mistake"...

Keep the 180. If she ever come to her senses, definitively end the affair and start coming around you will be in a better place anyway. You will have all the time in the world to decide YOUR future.


----------



## Acabado

And keep trying to find about MOM identity. Exposure is key.
Even if you end divorcing you you don't precisely this man tucking your kids at night, right?


----------



## KanDo

Only additional recommendation is to file for divorce and have her served. This was a bit of a turning point for me; but, I was done already. You can always stop the proceedings if you decide to reconcile. Also, as already suggested, got on those phone records and find out who this guy is. Exposure is VERY important whether you stay or go. 

So sorry you are here. You have gotten the correct advice and I am glad you are implementing.


----------



## sandc

Acabado said:


> And keep trying to find about MOM identity. Exposure is key.
> Even if you end divorcing you you don't precisely this man tucking your kids at night, right?


His kids are grown up and out on their own.

OP, keep doing the 180. You will enjoy watching her go crazy that she can't predict what you will do. She is a major cake eater but she's about to get indigestion.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> This whole thing has seriously knocked the sutffing out of me, and left me wondering what did I do wrong to make her do this?


*She did this out of pure SELFISHNESS. She has seriously violated what real love is.*

Stop trying to figure out what you did. Nothing you did is an excuse for total betyrayal and total selfishness.


Your conclusions and actions are very good. Don’t be surprised if she all of a sudden gets real emotional and remorseful (real or fake?) and wants you back.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Re: Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me


Isn’t it pathetic that women and men say the statement above all the time?

It really is such a violation of such a great word as love. Taking such a beautiful word and dragging it through the sewer with the ****roaches is such a disgusting thing.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Tell the OM's wife. Do not rug sweep or let her manipulate you into rug sweeping.

Your wife is playing you as a fool and using you as a "back burner" relationship. 

You are not second best. As hard as it is, leave this woman or kick her out. This is not your fault in any way. She chose to betray you, which in my opinion is the the number one deal breaker! 

I'm very sorry your going through this.


----------



## TDSC60

No matter what the wife says or swears to, no matter what the wife does or does not do, until she reveals the identity of the OM, she is still protecting her affair and she is still choosing the OM over her husband and the affair over her marriage.

There is little hope to salvage anything while she displays this attitude.


----------



## garrarda

Hi all, thought I would update you on how things have gone.

Unfortunately after over 3 weeks since I found out about the wife's affair, I have finally called time of the marriage, and are heading down the divorce route. I have really tried in terms of the 180 method, and there was some progress, unfortunately she is still emailing and making/receiving calls from him, so as such there cannot be any reconcilliation for us, without a commitment from the wife, to bin this guy off to give us a chance, there is no point in trying to make this work.

She feels that all I do is follow her around the house, even when I am not.

Its time to cut my losses and move on with my life, and rebuild it. I do still have time, I am only 43 yrs old, so can rebuild.

Thanks for everyones supportive replies.


----------



## Omgitsjoe

garrarda said:


> Hi all, thought I would update you on how things have gone.
> 
> Unfortunately after over 3 weeks since I found out about the wife's affair, I have finally called time of the marriage, and are heading down the divorce route. I have really tried in terms of the 180 method, and there was some progress, unfortunately she is still emailing and making/receiving calls from him, so as such there cannot be any reconcilliation for us, without a commitment from the wife, to bin this guy off to give us a chance, there is no point in trying to make this work.
> 
> She feels that all I do is follow her around the house, even when I am not.
> 
> Its time to cut my losses and move on with my life, and rebuild it. I do still have time, I am only 43 yrs old, so can rebuild.
> 
> Thanks for everyones supportive replies.


Sorry for to hear this!! You're at least ahead and of the game since you seem to have everything together and understand that life indeed must go on. At age 43 you still have good years ahead of you and not for nothing but it's what you make those years out to be and I'm happy for you!! I Good luck!


----------



## crossbar

Hang in there dude. I have a feeling that your wife is in for a massive wake up call. She's been cake eating for so long. She's had the security of the home and family and the excitement of the affair. Once you start the D process and she see's that her world is going to be distrupted and life is going to get hard, she MIGHT snap out of the fog of what she's truely going to lose.


----------



## happyman64

garrarda said:


> Hi all, thought I would update you on how things have gone.
> 
> Unfortunately after over 3 weeks since I found out about the wife's affair, I have finally called time of the marriage, and are heading down the divorce route. I have really tried in terms of the 180 method, and there was some progress, unfortunately she is still emailing and making/receiving calls from him, so as such there cannot be any reconcilliation for us, without a commitment from the wife, to bin this guy off to give us a chance, there is no point in trying to make this work.
> 
> She feels that all I do is follow her around the house, even when I am not.
> 
> Its time to cut my losses and move on with my life, and rebuild it. I do still have time, I am only 43 yrs old, so can rebuild.
> 
> Thanks for everyones supportive replies.


Good for you.

Time to show your STBXW some real consequences.

Leave her with the loser married man. That is who she deserves.

Go have a great life.

Have you told your kids what is going on?


----------



## bandit.45

There is another poster on TAM named Dingerdad. Look up his threads. Wife went back three times to her OM and the last time he filed. Is he lonely?

That guy is getting more tail thrown at him by women than he can handle!

You are still young. File for divorce and start living your life. She's the loser...not you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> There is another poster on TAM named Dingerdad. Look up his threads. Wife went back three times to her OM and the last time he filed. Is he lonely?
> 
> That guy is getting more tail thrown at him by women than he can handle!
> 
> You are still young. File for divorce and start living your life. She's the loser...not you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And tell the kids the truth they're grown ups.


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## garrarda

thanks all for your support.

I am telling the children, they are old enough.

The final insult was when the wife told me I am a 'NICE' guy! imagine how that makes me feel 'NICE', is not a token of love.

She told me she loves me, but her heart is elsewhere, she can f**k o*f.

She is just using me for security and money, time to move on.

As you say, time to get on with my life, despite all these years, I am not being taken for a mug!!!


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## Sara8

garrarda said:


> thanks all for your support.
> 
> I am telling the children, they are old enough.
> 
> The final insult was when the wife told me I am a 'NICE' guy! imagine how that makes me feel 'NICE', is not a token of love.
> 
> She told me she loves me, but her heart is elsewhere, she can f**k o*f.
> 
> She is just using me for security and money, time to move on.
> 
> As you say, time to get on with my life, despite all these years, I am not being taken for a mug!!!


I am sorry to hear of your wife's disrespect, but glad you told her to Eff off. 

I read the emails and texts between my STBEH and OW, sent to me anonymously. 

In them, the OW, was talking about how disgusting her husband's body was too her. She said he was milky white, flabby and hairy. 

(funny, I thought the same about her, when I saw her, minus the hairy part) 

She talked about how she would see him in the shower and want to barf. 

I met the guy, and thought he was not too bad looking better looking than his wife, IMO. 

In the letters she talked about how she didn't know how "she ended up with him" and she only stayed because he provided a nice lifestyle. 

Who needs that. 

Once a guy knows without doubt that his wife is just using him as a meal ticket, it's time to move on. 

There are plenty of nice people out there looking for decent dates and mates.


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## tom67

garrarda said:


> thanks all for your support.
> 
> I am telling the children, they are old enough.
> 
> The final insult was when the wife told me I am a 'NICE' guy! imagine how that makes me feel 'NICE', is not a token of love.
> 
> She told me she loves me, but her heart is elsewhere, she can f**k o*f.
> 
> She is just using me for security and money, time to move on.
> 
> As you say, time to get on with my life, despite all these years, I am not being taken for a mug!!!


Good! Now find yourself a shark atty.


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## Broken at 20

She doesn't love you. 

I am somewhat cynical, but I know she doesn't love you. 

Like, if I won the lottery today, I would meet the love my life tomorrow.
Why? Because every hot digger would chase me for the winnings. Not because they love me, but because they know acting like they love me wins them the opportunity to get close to the winnings. 

Your wife doesn't love you. She loves the security and stability you offer her. 
She is morphing the love for those things, with the love for her OM. 

She loves the security you give, amnd the emotions and hormones she gets from the OM makes her the happiest woman in the world. 

So, once that marriage is removed, and she has to live with the OM, and see what life is like there, she'll come crawling back to your door. 

A much less intense version of what your situation happend to me on prom:
Date went and grinded on some random football player, completely left me alone. 
Well, he was arrested for being intoxicated at the dance, and then she comes to me, expecting me to take her to my after party in my car!

No idea how her night ended, but I know mine ended with watching a movie and talking with my friends. I had a lot of fun, and look back fondly at the time AFTER the dance, and at pictures.

Your marriage will probably end the same way. 
The beggining was fun, but now you are in living hell. Then once you are cut free, you will be having fun, and doing what you want. Hang in there. Life has peak's and valleys. You are in a valley right now. And what follows a valley? Another peak. 
Life can't always be peaks. Otherwise, it be boring.


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## Cubby

garrarda, I'm sorry your wife has put you through this. But this is one of those cases where I feel strongly you're going to be just fine. You've got the right mindset to move on and live a better life. Meanwhile it's not likely your wife is heading towards happiness. Her fantasy world's gonna cave in eventually. Oh well. Her choice.


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## garrarda

thanks all, your messages are both reassuring and supportive.

I do lack self belief, and at the moment I wonder how life post marriage will be, given I have been with her since 18 till now (43). 

My sister is quite excited for me as she says it gives me the opportunity to live life a bit which I have not been able to do (children followed from 21 onwards). However most of my life has been focused on earning a good living to provide all the nice things to my family, (I do earn a good salary), at the expense of my social life and creating a good social circle of friends.


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## loveisforever

garrarda said:


> thanks all, your messages are both reassuring and supportive.
> 
> I do lack self belief, and at the moment I wonder how life post marriage will be, given I have been with her since 18 till now (43).
> 
> My sister is quite excited for me as she says it gives me the opportunity to live life a bit which I have not been able to do (children followed from 21 onwards). However most of my life has been focused on earning a good living to provide all the nice things to my family, (I do earn a good salary), at the expense of my social life and creating a good social circle of friends.


Your lack of self belief is part of the reason why your wife feel she can disdain you. She lost the respect for you. Please take it and be strong.

You will realize in the future how lucky you are because your wife is showing her true color and serves you a wake-up call.

Do not waste your life on her. Period.


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## sandc

Now you can go out and do all those things you've never had a chance to do. Come up with a bucket list and start checking them off.


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## aug

From reading your posts, am I correct in assuming you are not located in North America?

Good for you to not allow your wife to walk all over you. 43 is a very good age to move on.


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## garrarda

Hi Aug,

you are correct I am in the UK

Thanks I do keep being told that this is a reasonable age and also potentially this could be great for me, given I earn reasonable money, GSOH, not bad looking (I guess).


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## Chaparral

Time for you to read Married Man Sex Life. It will open your eyes to the nice guy reference. Do NOT let the title throw you.


Amazon.com: married man sex life

Here is the blog.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Make this your goal. Download it now and order the book. I guarantee you will be glad you did, everyone else has.


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## Chaparral

BTW it is your responsibility to notify the POSOM's wife and let her know what is going on.


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## aug

chapparal said:


> BTW it is your responsibility to notify the POSOM's wife and let her know what is going on.


chapparal, he doesnt know who the OM is and the wife wont say and is protecting the OM.

I agree, though, when you find out who the OM is, his wife needs to know.


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## Jeffery

garrarda said:


> Hi all, thought I would update you on how things have gone.
> 
> Unfortunately after over 3 weeks since I found out about the wife's affair, I have finally called time of the marriage, and are heading down the divorce route. I have really tried in terms of the 180 method, and there was some progress, unfortunately she is still emailing and making/receiving calls from him, so as such there cannot be any reconcilliation for us, without a commitment from the wife, to bin this guy off to give us a chance, there is no point in trying to make this work.
> 
> She feels that all I do is follow her around the house, even when I am not.
> 
> Its time to cut my losses and move on with my life, and rebuild it. I do still have time, I am only 43 yrs old, so can rebuild.
> 
> Thanks for everyones supportive replies.


i admire your courage and will keep you in my prayers


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## workindad

OP best wishes- happiness is not as elusive as it may appear when going thru the D. You will know what I mean when the dust settles and you fully embrace the opportunity to rebuild with the un-remorseful cheater in your life.

Take care
WD


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## garrarda

Hi All,

Thought I would give you all an update as it has been a while:

Things are moving quickly for me now, house is on the market, divorce papers have been issued, unfortunately the marriage has completely failed, she is still in the fog, he is saying he is getting divorced although she is not sure of him (more fool her), and they already having arguments (sounds like a match in heaven), anyway all I want to do now, is to sell up as quickly as possible and move on, she has caused to much hurt, and quite frankly I am no longer in love with her (although I love her as the mother of my children). She is so selfish she blames everybody else but herself for where she is e.g. my fault we dont have much equity in the house left, kids fault we have spent a lot of the equity, she knows she wont have much money, cant afford to buy a house, might have to do two jobs etc.. etc but it still does not stop her.

Any way on the positive side, I have had quite a transformation, in terms of I am going down the Gym, lost about 13 lbs in weight, eating better, feeling better (still have my highs and lows), had my eyes lasered so no glasses any more, bought new shoes and clothes etc..etc

Also am about to see a councellor to help me deal with this too. My sister has been a huge support for me through this and we have become really close, which is a good thing.

Children all have been told 'offically' in front of her, which she did not like... but tough.

Then she has the cheek to say to me, please dont have anyone prettier than her!! OMG she is a piece of work, I have seen a different side to her through this and realise she is just not a very nice person.


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## Chris989

Sorry it happened, but you're moving along.

Good for you.


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## happyman64

Good for you. Move on and let go find herself all alone in no time flat.

That is what she deserves.


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## workindad

OP, great update- 

Thanks for sharing- best wishes
WD


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## WyshIknew

garrarda said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Thought I would give you all an update as it has been a while:
> 
> Things are moving quickly for me now, house is on the market, divorce papers have been issued, unfortunately the marriage has completely failed, she is still in the fog, he is saying he is getting divorced although she is not sure of him (more fool her), and they already having arguments (sounds like a match in heaven), anyway all I want to do now, is to sell up as quickly as possible and move on, she has caused to much hurt, and quite frankly I am no longer in love with her (although I love her as the mother of my children). She is so selfish she blames everybody else but herself for where she is e.g. my fault we dont have much equity in the house left, kids fault we have spent a lot of the equity, she knows she wont have much money, cant afford to buy a house, might have to do two jobs etc.. etc but it still does not stop her.
> 
> Any way on the positive side, I have had quite a transformation, in terms of I am going down the Gym, lost about 13 lbs in weight, eating better, feeling better (still have my highs and lows), had my eyes lasered so no glasses any more, bought new shoes and clothes etc..etc
> 
> Also am about to see a councellor to help me deal with this too. My sister has been a huge support for me through this and we have become really close, which is a good thing.
> 
> Children all have been told 'offically' in front of her, which she did not like... but tough.
> 
> *Then she has the cheek to say to me, please dont have anyone prettier than her!! *OMG she is a piece of work, I have seen a different side to her through this and realise she is just not a very nice person.


Absolutely a-flipping-mazing.

I hope you told her that all you wanted was a woman that you loved and could love you back without cheating on you.


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## Shaggy

I'm glad you found the strength to deal with her and move on. The gym and the D are both the right choice her.

I would suggest posting the OM to cheaterville.com. He deserves his name ensconced in the ranks of cheaters there.


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## WyshIknew

I thought Cheaterville was only US and Canada?

Also unless it has changed Garrarda does not know who the OM is yet.


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## Simon Phoenix

Great job. The best vengeance one can get in these instances is not having a revenge affair or anything else underhanded. It is simply doing better without them than you ever did with them. And by all means, search for the most attractive dimepiece you can put your arms around and show her off the next time you run into the ex. She still wants to hold onto the notion that you can never do better than her when it comes to getting an attractive woman. Introducing your ex to someone much better looking than her will quickly end that ego trip...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## garrarda

thanks all for your replies.

They are all very supportive, She is still living in her FOG, so I will let her get on with it, while I start rebuilding my life.

I am pretty sure what will happen, is she will suddenly realise what an idiot she has been, and want me back, unfortunately things have already gone too far from my perspective, and her lack of willingness to give us a chance, has meant all the actions I have instigated.

She has been doing the classic FOG thing of blaming me or the children for the reason for her affair.

Well once the house is sold, and we need to move out, a dawn of reality will hit her. She seems to think we will stay friends afterwards, to be honest she is the mother of our 3 great children, and I will always respect her for that, however the last thing I would want is for us to stay friends, I need to move on to pastures new, and would find it difficult if I kept seeing her beyond the D. On that note I intend to move house to be nearer to family, but also to be away from her, as the town we live in is too small to avoid her enough.


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## walkonmars

You have the right attitude about her. She is the mother of your children. And no matter what she's done they will forgive her. It's understandable and really, desirable for their continued emotional health. She didn't cheat on them she cheated on you. 

She should have no expectation of friendship from you. None at all. And you have no duty to extend friendship. 

She did spend many good years with you, so remember those times. But don't forget that in the end she cast you aside like a bag of week-old doughnuts. 

You'll get over this. She may not once she realizes her OM isn't going to leave his wife. So be it. The die is cast.


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## lewmin

You have done remarkedly well since your first posting just 5-6 weeks ago. I am new to this site, will probably post my situation, and interesting enough, on the same date you started your posting, I found out that my wife of 27 years was having a 10 month affair with a coworker. My wife is telling me that she loves me very much but she also fell in love with this other man (married with three kids) and would like to recommit to me but can not yet get this person fully out of her mind (but owuld hope to do so). I am similar to you..make a very good living, in good shape (always worked out), and all of my wife's friends always told her they wish they could meet someone like me. I'm more in neutral than you, but what you have done in such a short period of time is extraordinary. Side question...now that you are in divorce proceedings...your assets and how you see them divided up. I'm being selfish but my wife caused all this and the last thing I'd ever want is the money I put away going towards loverboy if they ever get together. I want to make sure I maintain my standard of living since I did not cause this!


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## happyman64

lewmin said:


> You have done remarkedly well since your first posting just 5-6 weeks ago. I am new to this site, will probably post my situation, and interesting enough, on the same date you started your posting, I found out that my wife of 27 years was having a 10 month affair with a coworker. My wife is telling me that she loves me very much but she also fell in love with this other man (married with three kids) and would like to recommit to me but can not yet get this person fully out of her mind (but owuld hope to do so). I am similar to you..make a very good living, in good shape (always worked out), and all of my wife's friends always told her they wish they could meet someone like me. I'm more in neutral than you, but what you have done in such a short period of time is extraordinary. Side question...now that you are in divorce proceedings...your assets and how you see them divided up. I'm being selfish but my wife caused all this and the last thing I'd ever want is the money I put away going towards loverboy if they ever get together. I want to make sure I maintain my standard of living since I did not cause this!


Yeah Lewmin,



> *My wife is telling me that she loves me very much but she also fell in love with this other man (married with three kids) and would like to recommit to me but can not yet get this person fully out of her mind (but owuld hope to do so).*


Classic cake eater spew coming out of her mouth. You are Plan B. Time to shake up her world so she realizes you are not 2nd best.

It is time to make her realize you want someone better that does not lie or cheat.

Start your thread. Many of us look forward to it.

HM64


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## MattMatt

> Then she has the cheek to say to me, please dont have anyone prettier than her!!


*Bloody Nora!

*This is Brit speak for... well, Brit speak for 'Bloody Nora'! I don't think it translates too well into American English, but Garrada will know *exactly* what I mean by it!

Sorry it has come to this, but, here's hoping you do find someone prettier than her.:smthumbup:


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