# Wife says she no longer loves me



## raymos (Aug 7, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1.5. We have a beautiful baby girl who is 20months old. About 6 months ago my wife told me that she feels that she has fell out of love with me, she says that I don't act the same way that I did in the beginning of our relationship, that I work a lot and don't spend so much time with her as we used to, she also says that sometimes she cringes when we kiss. I'm not a bad husband, I don't drink, don't go out late with friends or sleep around, I don't yell, I try to take care of everything so that she and the baby are comfortable. 

I have been working hard to provide and majority of my time is working and trying to help her take care of the house. She was 19 when we met and I was 24, I work 2 jobs to cover expenses and on my days off I try to spend time with her and the baby, she is a stay at home mom and has been doing less and less housework and letting everything go. She says that im the one who doesn't love her, I cant believe it I'm so head over heels for her, I do agree with her that I haven't shown her how much I love her recently, I used to hold her every night and now because I work 2 jobs I'm so tired at night with my back hurting that I just sleep on my back. 

She has gained about 70 pounds from her pregnancy that she has been having a hard time loosing, I lover her so much that the extra weight is not bothering me, i lover no mater what and I have been encouraging her to loose weight and even been dieting with her and I actually got into so much better shape that she has been feeling so self conscious that she refuses to get undressed in front of me anymore. She feels as though she has not accomplished anything in life she and that I baby her a lot of times. In the early days of our relationship she kissed another man, but she regretted it and apologized for it, I don't even bring it up, but sometimes she says that she doesn't deserve a nice guy like me. Recently she acts more and more depressed, she says she doesn't feel like a partner but just someone living in the house and taking care of a baby, I do agree with her that I try to do all the errands and even most chores, but I do them so that she doesn't have to and to make things easier for her. Its so strange one day she would tell me how much she loves me and be all happy and cheerful and how she has these great ideas for our next anniversary and our next vacation and then in a week she could be telling me how much she doesn't love me anymore, its like a cycle. I don't know what to do. 

3 days ago she packed a suitcase and when to her parents house, she says she wants some time apart to see if she will miss me. She tells me that we should take a month apart or even longer and see if we want to get back together. I have been so depressed and don't even know what to do, vie tried talking to her about us and telling her that I will try to fix any issues that we had and make her feel more equal in this relationship but she says she just wants time apart to think if she wants to come back. She did this once before but came back after a week, I just don't think it will be so simple this time.

Does anyone have any advice? I was hoping that she would at least stay in the house and that I could move on the couch but at least we can talk things out but she just doesn't want to talk at all.


----------



## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

raymos said:


> she says that I don't act the same way that I did in the beginning of our relationship, that I work a lot and don't spend so much time with her as we used to, she also says that sometimes she cringes when we kiss.


It's easy to get used to having a person around and take them for granted. I'm not saying that's what you've done, but it looks like that's how you're wife is feeling. She wants to know that you're still excited to have her and that you want to spend time with her. She didn't marry you so she could be alone. I know you're trying to provide for her and your baby girl by working so much, but I'm sure she'd much rather have YOU than extra money. Maybe you and she could sit down and hammer out a budget that will allow you to live off less? If you're just working enough to get by, then the best you can do is make sure that the time you do have with her is quality time, not mindless time in front of the tv. We women want to connect. We want to look into your eyes and know that you care about us.



raymos said:


> I'm not a bad husband, I don't drink, don't go out late with friends or sleep around, I don't yell, I try to take care of everything so that she and the baby are comfortable.


When a person says "I'm not a bad guy" or "I'm better than so-and-so" It says that they know they aren't doing their best, but as long as there's someone out there worse than them they'll use it as an excuse to skate by. You should expect far more of yourself than this. Don't measure yourself by the things you _don't_ do; there will always be a million bad things you didn't do today. But what good did you do? Did you offer to take the trash out? Ask your wife what was on her mind? Give her a foot rub?



raymos said:


> she is a stay at home mom and has been doing less and less housework and letting everything go.


This is a sign of depression. She's lost the energy or will to do mundane housework. She isn't happy with your marriage or maybe life in general and is obviously very upset about it. The great thing is that she's been communicating and you've been listening. Now you need to take what she is saying seriously. She isn't just hormone crazed (well, okay, she probably is, but that doesn't make what she's feeling less valid!) she's genuinely upset that her life isn't going the way she pictured it. The fact that she's having a hard time losing weight also makes me think she's battling depression. I think seeing a counselor would do her some good. There are tons of need based counseling options.



raymos said:


> She says that im the one who doesn't love her, I cant believe it I'm so head over heels for her, I do agree with her that I haven't shown her how much I love her recently, I used to hold her every night and now because I work 2 jobs I'm so tired at night with my back hurting that I just sleep on my back.


It's great that you feel in love with your wife, but what do you do to show her in ways that she can appreciate, how much you love her? I think the best thing you could do for your marriage is read The Five Love Languages (The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts: Gary D Chapman: 9780802473158: Amazon.com: Books) and talk with each other about what you think your top love languages are. Another great read is His Needs Her Needs (His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books).



raymos said:


> She feels as though she has not accomplished anything in life..... she says she doesn't feel like a partner but just someone living in the house and taking care of a baby


Your wife needs to get out! She's becoming part of the furniture! Nothing squelches a woman's inner goddess like staying around the house alone all the time, especially a dirty house that she doesn't have the emotional energy to clean. Why don't you ask a family member or close friend to give you two a date night once a week?



raymos said:


> Does anyone have any advice? I was hoping that she would at least stay in the house and that I could move on the couch but at least we can talk things out but she just doesn't want to talk at all.


It sounds like she needs a little space right now. Maybe give her a day or two with no contact. My best advice to you is to do what you say. Don't make false promises. It sounds like you really do love her and try to make her happy, but just need to figure out what that is. Maybe you could brainstorm with her and ask her what it is she needs to be happier.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are 3 books that I think you need to read. Do it in this order.

*"Surviving an Affair" *by Dr. Harley. {Yes I know that neither of you have had an affair. But the book has advice that I think you can learn from and use.}

*"His Needs, Her Needs"*

*"Love Busters"*

Working the long hours you are working is very hard on a marriage. Have you talk with her about things that you two can do to lighten the load? For example is there someone who can watch your children once a week so that the two of you can have a date?


----------



## raymos (Aug 7, 2013)

Thank you Spinner, your reply was actually exactly what I was thinking about this situation, I have been working hard because we both started off very well off, I had a great job and only worked 4 days a week, 8 hours a day and we had so much extra money for us that we used to go out every night and enjoy our time together. However we had some unexpected costs come up, my mom getting sick and passing away really took a financial toll on things. So I have been trying to work to keep us out of debt. 

I do understand that I have been lacking with emotional support, before I used to come home from work and just sit down and spend time together, we would watch a movie on the couch together while cuddled up under a blanket, and recently I work long hours so now I barely have time to spend together, she knows I work hard and really understands but even so, I should always still take that 15 minutes or so after work and just make it about her. We still have date night on a regular basis, at least once a week usually, we go see a movie and have dinner and talk. Because she has been so depressed and kept asking me to take some time away from me and the baby for herself and I never understood the reason, but I have been thinking about things and I really do now, its so important to have time for yourself on a regular basis because if you don't how can you improve yourself and not sink further into depression. She says she wants to take 3 weeks and see if she misses me and if she doesn't then take more time.

The only thing that scares me is her parents are helping her with the baby and giving her so much time to herself that I think she will feel that she is so much happier there that she would not want to work things out, but I don't feel that is the answer, because you cant rely on other all the time and I she feels that its easier there then she will get used to it and wont try to improve herself and our relationship.

I tried talking to her today but she ended it with an argument that she wants no contact unless its about our daughter. She said that me trying to talk things over are pushing her farther away, I agreed that I will giver space and let her work it out. I just feel like such a shmuck for even trying today and feel like I've pushed her away even more.

Thank you EleGirl I will try to get those books and read them over.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah Spinner is absolutely right.

And I know it sucks to think about it, but you do have to give her some space. Start working on yourself in a BIG way. Clean up the house top to bottom. Fix/replace/upgrade everything in your house that has needed it but you haven't had time for. (the more it stands out, the better!) Start working out, eating better and taking better care of your health and appearance. Read some books that have been suggested (Five Love languages, Love & Respect, Love must be tough are some of my favorites) and keep up your social life with friends. Be an absolutely FANTASTIC dad to your daughter at every opportunity and make it clear that you want to have her with you as often as possible, anytime you can. If you can work less hours or quit your second job without a major financial setback, please consider doing so, or at least make it clear that you plan to very soon. If you use porn, stop using it cold turkey, especially if she has ever expressed concern/disappointment over it.

Yes she wants the time apart and wants minimal contact right now. But the fact is that you are still her husband and the father of her child, she will not be capable of completely ignoring you. If you make as many positive changes in your life as possible, she will inevitably notice them, even if not right away. You can essentially make yourself a more attractive/desirable man all around. (Looking better, great looking home, living responsibly, financially secure, great father, etc.) The more dramatic the change the better it will work. When you speak with her, DO NOT fight back or lash out or lose your cool. You can stand up for yourself, but do so 100% respectfully, and don't even bother if it isn't an important issue as it'll just draw you into a fight. (Ladies like to trap us that way, lol) Be the mature one here, be the man.

As for what led you to this point, it's pretty clear that she is depressed for one. Possibly some lingering postpartum depression combined with other factors. Working two jobs is almost always an enormous mistake in a marriage too, only the most dire of circumstances should necessitate it. I get the impression that her "love language" is very different from yours and while you may have been doing your best to show her your love, she might just not recognize it if you haven't shown it in a way that she understands and needs. (Perhaps quality time, words of affirmation or acts of service?) You also haven't mentioned your sex life at all, and since you are the man here, I'm inclined to ask if sex has been an issue for her but not as much for you? In any case, a depressed woman + being left alone all day with a very young child is a recipe for disaster. Does she have a lot of social outlets? Maybe with other young mothers, girls night out, church family, real family nearby, etc?

Lastly, what else are we missing from this story? I'm guessing there is more to it (isn't there always?) and the best info might be knowing what kinds of things she has complained about. Think hard and think back to all the issues she has brought up in the past, no matter how small. I know for me I was the prototypical "good guy/husband" just like you. Worked hard, never cheated/drank/did drugs/gamble/spend us into oblivion/etc., very outgoing and "charming" around everyone. My issues were not understanding how to communicate with her correctly, not being aware of our differing love languages, having a large ego, etc. All stuff that can somewhat easily "fly under the radar" and even she couldn't identify most of these issues that made her unhappy and feel unloved, so she often said things like, "I don't deserve you" because she too thought I was a good man and couldn't explain her unhappiness/depression. So that is sort of where I am coming from here and basing my comments/questions above on.


----------



## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

The first problem is that she's a stay at home mom with way too much time on her hands. She needs to find a job or find something to occupy her time outside of the house. She's either depressed or having an affair. Either way don't allow her to rewrite the history of your marriage to justify what she is doing.


----------



## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

It sounds like you two have been having a really rough go of it lately. It's really admirable that you're trying to keep out of debt, but I don't think it's worth losing the woman you love. There are all kinds of programs to help if you're in a financial bind, and if you're simply keeping up month to month, see if there are a few areas you can cut corners. I know we think we need cell phones and internet and cable, but we're perfectly capable of living without them and often much better off!

That's great that you already have a date night established! I can't say for sure what your wife would like, but my recommendation would be to back off for at least 3 days- a week to give her a chance to miss you (If you keep trying to contact her she'll just get annoyed) and then show up at her mother's on your usual date night with a bouquet of flowers or something and ask her father if you can take his lovely daughter out for the evening  If she's into that sort of thing, of course. You know what your wife would like better than I do! If her parents like you they may be your best helpers at patching it up. 



> The only thing that scares me is her parents are helping her with the baby and giving her so much time to herself that I think she will feel that she is so much happier there that she would not want to work things out


That's a distinct possibility. You have to make yourself the kind of man she would be crazy to leave! This whole thing probably isn't just about her wanting you to spend time with her or to spend time with herself. She's probably freaking out a little about being a new parent and wondering if you're going to be around to help her raise this child. 

If you're feeling really pressed for time and willing to try anything at this point, you may look into polyphasic sleep cycles. I don't recommend having a funky sleep schedule for longer than 6 months at a time though because of potential health risks.

If her parents are willing to be your babysitter, I think the best solution to several of your problems would be for your wife to get a job. That would get her out of the house and take some of the financial burden off you. I tried the housewife gig myself and let me tell you, it is _miserable_. I felt 1000x better about myself when I went out and got a job.


----------



## raymos (Aug 7, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Start working on yourself in a BIG way. Clean up the house top to bottom. Fix/replace/upgrade everything in your house that has needed it but you haven't had time for. (the more it stands out, the better!) Start working out, eating better and taking better care of your health and appearance. Read some books that have been suggested (Five Love languages, Love & Respect, Love must be tough are some of my favorites) and keep up your social life with friends. Be an absolutely FANTASTIC dad to your daughter at every opportunity and make it clear that you want to have her with you as often as possible, anytime you can. If you can work less hours or quit your second job without a major financial setback, please consider doing so, or at least make it clear that you plan to very soon. If you use porn, stop using it cold turkey, especially if she has ever expressed concern/disappointment over it.


I think this has been a partial problem the guys at my job are all getting into shape and I have started to go to the gym and doing crossfit and have lost about 60lbs in 4 months and have gotten into an amazing physical shape, my wife on the other hand has gained about 60lbs from the pregnancy and has been having a very hard time loosing it. A lot of times she get so jealous when other women look at me and she has even accused me of having an affair, which I could never do, the vows of marriage are very important to me and I could never cheat on my wife. Part of the issue sometimes she believes that I don't find her attractive because I don't complement her as much as I used to. I agree that I am wrong in this regard, I give her compliments all the time but she tells me that I just say it because I am supposed to, but that's not the case she is still beautiful and I still find her attractive.

As far as doing chores around the house, I think this is where I was wrong, I was so used to being independent before we got married that I would cook, clean, do laundry, dishes and pretty much everything else for myself. And in the early days of our relationship I did all these things. She says that me doing these things made her feel useless. For example she would have trouble making an omelet while I could serve up a 5 course dinner in 2 hours. I have tried to keep the house well maintained and in general I have been doing all the fixing and cleaning usually because I want things to be easier for her and my daughter.



cdbaker said:


> (Perhaps quality time, words of affirmation or acts of service?) You also haven't mentioned your sex life at all, and since you are the man here, I'm inclined to ask if sex has been an issue for her but not as much for you? In any case, a depressed woman + being left alone all day with a very young child is a recipe for disaster. Does she have a lot of social outlets? Maybe with other young mothers, girls night out, church family, real family nearby, etc?


I do regret not spending time with her after work sometimes, she waits up for me to come home and recently I have been so tired after work that I usually end up going to bed as soon as I get home. I agree that i should take 15 to 20 min and just sit down with her after work and chit chat or something similar. Sex definitely has decreased because of work and the baby... we used to be at it twice a day and now it more like twice a week. She hasn't been going out with her friends as she used to, and I have been trying to have her make new friends with other moms at the park, but shes not too enthusiastic about it.



Spinner said:


> That's great that you already have a date night established! I can't say for sure what your wife would like, but my recommendation would be to back off for at least 3 days- a week to give her a chance to miss you (If you keep trying to contact her she'll just get annoyed) and then show up at her mother's on your usual date night with a bouquet of flowers or something and ask her father if you can take his lovely daughter out for the evening  If she's into that sort of thing, of course. You know what your wife would like better than I do! If her parents like you they may be your best helpers at patching it up.


Her dad loves me, and he is trying to get things back to normal with us, however her mom is just telling her that she can stay for as long as she likes and that she will make a new room for her instead of the guest room. I will give her a week and then try to take her out on a date and talk things over and see how she feels and how I feel and how we can work on things to try to get back what we have together.



Spinner said:


> That's a distinct possibility. You have to make yourself the kind of man she would be crazy to leave! This whole thing probably isn't just about her wanting you to spend time with her or to spend time with herself. She's probably freaking out a little about being a new parent and wondering if you're going to be around to help her raise this child.


She has brought up to me that she has not accomplished much independence and if something ever happened to me, she wont be able to survive on her own.



Spinner said:


> If her parents are willing to be your babysitter, I think the best solution to several of your problems would be for your wife to get a job. That would get her out of the house and take some of the financial burden off you. I tried the housewife gig myself and let me tell you, it is _miserable_. I felt 1000x better about myself when I went out and got a job.


I agree, I just thought that it so much easier for her that she never has to work, even though I would never object to her working. Perhaps if she does find a job I can really cut down my hours. I'm giving her a whole week with no contact unless its about our daughter, and well see what happens and how she feels. Its just been so hard lately the house so empty without them  Even though I work so much, I have spent a lot of time with my daughter in the mornings, feeding her oatmeal, changing her and if I had enough time bathing her. My mornings haven't been the same ever since she left, I just feel like I'm going through day to day motions now.


----------



## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

It sounds like your wife is probably battling some serious feelings of inferiority since you're not only better at cooking, do the cleaning _and_ the work, where does that leave her? It leaves her completely dependent on you and not feeling good about it! Especially since you don't have much time to, for lack of a better word, entertain her when you get home all tuckered out. 

It's really sweet that you want to do everything for your wife out of love and spare her the burden of working outside the home(It sounds like your love language is acts of service), but it's not healthy for anyone to not be able to take care of themselves. Maybe you can get two birds with one stone by including her in all the things you do. She can learn how to be more independent and spend time with you all at once! Ex: If you're cooking, ask her if she'd like to cook with you and show her the ropes. When you're paying bills or doing taxes, ask her if she'd like to learn how. That sort of thing.



raymos said:


> Her dad loves me, and he is trying to get things back to normal with us, however her mom is just telling her that she can stay for as long as she likes and that she will make a new room for her instead of the guest room.


It sounds like you may have to have a talk with your mother in law and explain to her that you really do want what's best for her daughter. It's hard for a mother to let her children grow up and she's probably enjoying having her back and not thinking about the long term damage she could be causing by coddling her daughter too much. Her mom will not always be there to take care of her. Does your wife get to see her mother very often usually? 



> I will give her a week and then try to take her out on a date and talk things over and see how she feels and how I feel and how we can work on things to try to get back what we have together.


I think this sounds like a great plan. Start making a list of all the things you want to discuss with her so you don't forget anything!



> I just thought that it so much easier for her that she never has to work


It's actually a very satisfying thing to be able to work. Having nothing to do makes a body feel pretty worthless.



> Its just been so hard lately the house so empty without them


I'm so sorry  All I can say is use this awful feeling as motivation to try to never have to feel this way again!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you work two jobs but you still have time to go to the gym? But you don't have time to spend with your wife because you're too tired? I have trouble reconciling this. Does your wife get to go to the gym? I'm guessing not because apparently you're spending so much time away that when you get home all can do is sleep, so she's got the baby 24/7. Also, being a sahm is not for everyone, and a lot of people don't realize how isolating and draining it can be. Bottom line is that your wife isn't happy being a sahm, she needs to pursue somekind of life herself and you should be her partner. Think carefully about your priorities here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anuvia said:


> The first problem is that she's a stay at home mom with way too much time on her hands. She needs to find a job or find something to occupy her time outside of the house. She's either depressed or having an affair. Either way don't allow her to rewrite the history of your marriage to justify what she is doing.


Umm, so if she has her own perspective of the marriage that's different from his she must be rewriting? I have trouble with this. How do you know he's not rewriting? everyone has their own perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Work on yourself/your life/ and your home. If she comes back, so be it, it will be your call if you want to accept her back. If not. So be it. All of this after only 1.5 years of marriage?


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I am really sorry your here. I don't buy her story. It really does sound like she left you for someone else. She's using you as a back burner backup plan.

Don't let her. This is not your fault. You sound like you are trying very hard for your family. 

My husband works 2 and sometimes 3 jobs and is very busy, plus he has his hobbies which take him away from home 3 nights a week at the gym. I do not ever get angry for the extremely hard work he does to provide for us. The time we spend together is precious. Even if it's only an hour or sometimes less. 

I personally would not take this woman back. If the man she currently is seeing dumps her, she'll go back to you until she finds a new man and leave you again. Don't let this cycle begin. I know you have a child, but the best thing you can do is spend your free time with your child. Good luck.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

toonaive said:


> Work on yourself/your life/ and your home. If she comes back, so be it, it will be your call if you want to accept her back. If not. So be it. All of this after only 1.5 years of marriage?


I agree. We men have the stupid idea that we are in charge of making the wife happy. Only she can do that. I repeat ONLY SHE CAN DO THAT. If she has a need, she needs to voice it. 
Best thing you can do is concentrate on you and that wonderful child. I mean 100% of your non work time is to be about you and the child. Do not spend a second on your wife. 
You have worked hard, provided, admitted faults, are trying to be better for her, she left... That is all you need to know.
The more time you spend on her the further she will be pushed away. 
Show that child how much you love it, when you call her do not even ask how she is doing, just ask about when you can spend time with the little one. If she asks to spend time together as a family, let her know you are only concerned about being with the child, if she wants to come along that is up to her but you are fine either way. Read about the 180 and start it today.


----------



## raymos (Aug 7, 2013)

Spinner said:


> Maybe you can get two birds with one stone by including her in all the things you do. She can learn how to be more independent and spend time with you all at once! Ex: If you're cooking, ask her if she'd like to cook with you and show her the ropes. When you're paying bills or doing taxes, ask her if she'd like to learn how. That sort of thing.


I have tried to show her and she tries to pay attention, I think shes gotten better with some things but I think this whole thing with staying at home with the baby is making her more and more depressed, so she has even given up on trying to learn.



Spinner said:


> It sounds like you may have to have a talk with your mother in law and explain to her that you really do want what's best for her daughter. It's hard for a mother to let her children grow up and she's probably enjoying having her back and not thinking about the long term damage she could be causing by coddling her daughter too much. Her mom will not always be there to take care of her. Does your wife get to see her mother very often usually?


The big issue is that they were close until we met, and she started to spend more and more of her time with me, I have always been civil and even helpful with my mother in law. Her mom used to argue that my wife spends so much time with me that they no longer have time together. Now a days they see each other once or twice a week which I think isn't so bad. I have noticed hat her mother does point out the negative things that I might do a lot, and I never understood why would she want to hurt us. She has to let her daughter move along with life and not cuddle her.



lifeistooshort said:


> So you work two jobs but you still have time to go to the gym? But you don't have time to spend with your wife because you're too tired? I have trouble reconciling this. Does your wife get to go to the gym?


I only go 3 times a week for an hour and I go early in the morning while the wife and baby are still sleep, after I come home I give the baby her bottle of milk and change her and then get her oatmeal ready and even make my wife eggs or a healthy omelet for breakfast so when she wakes up its will be ready for her. She did go to the gym for about 2 months, I got her membership and she would have someone babysit for an hour while she would go several times a week, I think because of her depression she sort of gave up on it. That is actually the reason I started to loose weight also, because I though it would motivate her.



toonaive said:


> Work on yourself/your life/ and your home. If she comes back, so be it, it will be your call if you want to accept her back. If not. So be it. All of this after only 1.5 years of marriage?


We moved in together after only 6 months of dating, so we have been living together now for almost 4 years.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I am really sorry your here. I don't buy her story. It really does sound like she left you for someone else. She's using you as a back burner backup plan.
> 
> My husband works 2 and sometimes 3 jobs and is very busy, plus he has his hobbies which take him away from home 3 nights a week at the gym. I do not ever get angry for the extremely hard work he does to provide for us. The time we spend together is precious. Even if it's only an hour or sometimes less.


I just don't know that there is someone else... I mean she stays at her parents house and her dad and brother are very close to me and they are like my eyes and ears lol, they are trying so hard to get us back to normal. She does see that she still cares about us, when I talked to her yesterday morning I explained to her how I was wrong with so many things and she seemed to get so emotional but kept her calm.

As far as working, I do work hard but I do still have days off, and on those days off I spend the entire day with my wife and daughter, either going to the park or just going places together, those days are also usually our date nights when we drop the baby of at the in laws and go out to dinner and a movie or grab a drink together.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah this is one of those few stories here where I really don't think she is seeing another man. I think there are too many obstacles to that for her, and not enough opportunity.

Your pointing out that you have lost 60lbs while she has gained about the same is a big issue. You are right that by committing to a big change to improve yourself, that will often indirectly encourage your spouse to do the same. If you are familiar with the concept of sex ranking, the spouse never wants their partner's sex rank to be much higher than their own. I think the problem here is that she was already depressed likely due to a number of issues (postpartum, stresses of being a new mom, very few opportunities for social interaction, feelings of uselessness in her home, poor self esteem due to body issues post-pregnancy, etc.), so seeing you motivated and working hard to improve your health and physical appearance while she herself couldn't keep up with it likely just pushed her depression even further, especially if she observed other women noticing you more.

I think when the time is right, after she has indicated that she wants to give you both another chance, you'll want to sit her down and share with her the various areas where you have failed her in the marriage and ask for her forgiveness, along with a promise to not let those endanger the relationship in the future. I think you'll want to commit to quitting your second job to spend more time with her and your child too. Most of all though, you'll want to ask her to share with you her feelings, desires and needs from top to bottom and promise her you'll be supportive. Also remember she has probably tried to express most of them before, to a slightly less responsive version of you, so she might be annoyed that you want her to share again, but just ask her forgiveness and explain that it's a new day and you are a newly focused man and you don't want to miss anything. Perhaps she is ready to look for a job, or wants to go back to school, or would like your support in some other area, etc.

Either way, from everything said above it sounds like you know what to do for now, good luck!


----------



## raymos (Aug 7, 2013)

So an update to this strangeness, my wife told me today that she wants to come back but wants an in-house separation for now. She said she still wants to take a break from us because she feels we rushed into this relationship so fast and we have a baby and she feel trapped and feels like she never accomplished anything. She wants to be single for a while, and maybe go on dates in the future with others and then try to work things out between us. This is just a quick bit of summary, and she says she wants me to go out also and see if maybe ill find someone that's better for me. This has to be the weirdest thing I've ever heard or experienced. I'm still shocked, she says that she wants no relationships at all right now and just wants to be single and go out with her friends and hit on guys and just plain enjoy her life for a few months, and then try to work at it with us. This sounds ridiculous to me I feel like I'm just some backup guy that she wants to hold on to in the meantime. I really don't know what to do in this case. Its great to have my daughter back in the house but her going out on dates, not now but eventually ...


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

raymos said:


> So an update to this strangeness, my wife told me today that she wants to come back but wants an in-house separation for now. She said she still wants to take a break from us because she feels we rushed into this relationship so fast and we have a baby and she feel trapped and feels like she never accomplished anything. She wants to be single for a while, and maybe go on dates in the future with others and then try to work things out between us. This is just a quick bit of summary, and she says she wants me to go out also and see if maybe ill find someone that's better for me. This has to be the weirdest thing I've ever heard or experienced. I'm still shocked, she says that she wants no relationships at all right now and just wants to be single and go out with her friends and hit on guys and just plain enjoy her life for a few months, and then try to work at it with us. This sounds ridiculous to me I feel like I'm just some backup guy that she wants to hold on to in the meantime. I really don't know what to do in this case. Its great to have my daughter back in the house but her going out on dates, not now but eventually ...


What? No get a lawyer asap 50/50 with the kid no less good grief what is her mother feeding her.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's up to you if you want her to move back in for the kid that's up to you but limbo sucks. Maybe her seeing you with another woman will get her limbic brain going but no I would say dating other people living in the same house no! Divorce maybe she is bpd or something and saving you a lot of trouble.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I read through this thread and honestly, could not believe some of the comments. I'minLovewithmyhubby made the best point but her post was just simply overlooked. 

When a woman says she wants her space, its very rare that there isn't someone in the picture. It could be an emotional connection or a physical one who knows, but there almost always is someone else in her horizon. Unfortunately, that person is not you.

So when you were out busting your ass for your family, your wife had all the time to do extracurricular activity behind your back. Now the pain you felt when she moved into her parents house is going to double. Relax and try to keep calm. It won't be easy but try and keep it together.

You basically only have two options now,

you can either let her move back in and support her while she goes out and does what she wants, or.......

get a lawyer and cut your losses now. 

You are only 1.5 years into this. Imagine if this happened to you 15 years from now with more children. 

The latter I have been through and I don't wish that pain on anyone at all.


----------



## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

raymos said:


> my wife told me today that she wants to come back but wants an in-house separation for now. She said she still wants to take a break from us because she feels we rushed into this relationship so fast and we have a baby and she feel trapped and feels like she never accomplished anything.


It's crazy to me how people on this forum jump immediately to infidelity. 

I think she's just freaking out! She's being incredibly immature, but this one episode is hardly worth throwing your marriage away when you still love her. I think the first thing to be done is get your wife a check up and into counseling if you can. A friend of mine was diagnosed with postpartum depression 8 months after her baby was born. Her doctor said that sometimes people just need a little help to feel like themselves again.

I wouldn't be able to watch my spouse date other people, especially not in my own home. If you want it to work out with her I'd tell her you don't want anyone else and that you don't want to watch her play single with anyone else either. Marriage counseling is definitely needed here for both of you.

I would also use the fact that she wants to be roommates instead of a couple as an excuse to tell her she needs to get a job. If you have a lot of business contacts ask around if anyone needs a secretary or teller or something else decent. Working fast food would only make her more unhappy.


----------



## raymos (Aug 7, 2013)

So another update to this crazy thing. I've been trying to follow the 180 routine and play it cool, last night we had a long talk and it was so strange, she told me that I've been to controlling and negative recently, and would not take her opinions on things. Her biggest hate point for me was when she tried to get a cat a few months a go I told her no because I don't like cats, she was so sad for a while and cried about it for days. As far as controlling, I suppose in a way me trying to do things for her to make life easier, in her mind was seen as me taking control of everything. I told her that I can definitely work on all the wrongs that I have done to change myself into a better man, she says she feels that it might be to late. She says that if down the line me and her work things out and stay together it would make her extremely happy, but as for now she feels no love for me in that way. She has been going or with her girlfriends and said that it feels so nice when guys hit on her, it makes her feel wanted. We also have a friend who recently has been getting more and more friendly with her, he keeps calling her and texting her just to talk things out, but he also asked her out for next week and she said yes because. Add far as getting a job she is trying to look for one.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So what I get from your last post, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that you've developed a parent child relationship with her. You do things for her own good and she has to get your permission for a lot of things. If so this dynamic is never good for a marriage a nobody is going too be romantically and sexually attracted to their parent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

