# W says she loves me but not in love with me



## Bob S (Sep 30, 2009)

About 5 weeks ago I noticed a real change in my wife of 16 years. She became very cold and distant. Now we have been having discussions about me not doing enough around the house and to a certain extent she was right, but I didn't take it seriously enough because she has always said this, even when I am working 12 hour rotating shifts and all the overtime available to me. When our first child was born she quit work and became a stay at home mom by mutual decision. I was workin 40 hours a week on straight days and was a big help around the house. Soon after I went to shift work to cover the lost wages from her job, and then the second child came. I know I didn't help as much as I could have but I still did as much or more than anybody I know but apperantly not enough. Now to the present she is working 35 hours a week and I'm doing50-60 hours a week rotating shift and the kids are in school and she says she is very unhappy that I'm not doing 50% of the chores. I told her I would pick up the pace and I have which brings us to cold and distant. She tells me she's not in love with me but doesn't hate me. We go to counciling at her request which I think is a good idea. The conciler offers sugestions and some times I need to change or look at things differently and sometimes my wife does. However when the conselor offers suggestions to my wife, she either says she doesn't agree or won't do them. Ie: telling me what she expects in the chore dept. Or trying to go on a date. Or trying to work on some of my issues with her like non-sexual intamacy. I feel like she is going to the sessions so she can say she tried, but is not putting any effort in it. How long should I live like this? I feel she is only going thru the motions and not even making an honest effort to salvage 16 years and our family.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Don't worry about what she won't do.. What responsibilities she won't take. The facts are you need to change.. You can only improve yourself. If you make honest changes your wife will eventually see it and then want to make her changes. Give you a real life example. Say your at work and you have to move 20 cases of ceramic tile from a pallet to a cart for a customer. You start moving them if another employee sees you doing that they are more willing to help cause they see you making the effort. That's human nature. So break the cycle.. Make the first move to improving your marriage. You obviously want to keep it...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is there someone else in the picture?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When there is a sudden change in behavior like this - there is a reason. Something happened. 

Sorry to say that the most common thing that happened is spouse fell for someone else. I really think you are justified putting a keylogger in the computer and getting a hold of her cell phone discreetly and going through her call logs and text messages. Very likely you will find proof. 

At that point - if it were me - I would give her a choice - end it - or end the marriage. You cannot fix your marriage while she is actively pursuing someone else. 

Also it is not close to fair for you to work so many more hours and still split the housework 50/50. 

When did the sexual avoidance start?





Bob S said:


> About 5 weeks ago I noticed a real change in my wife of 16 years. She became very cold and distant. Now we have been having discussions about me not doing enough around the house and to a certain extent she was right, but I didn't take it seriously enough because she has always said this, even when I am working 12 hour rotating shifts and all the overtime available to me. When our first child was born she quit work and became a stay at home mom by mutual decision. I was workin 40 hours a week on straight days and was a big help around the house. Soon after I went to shift work to cover the lost wages from her job, and then the second child came. I know I didn't help as much as I could have but I still did as much or more than anybody I know but apperantly not enough. Now to the present she is working 35 hours a week and I'm doing50-60 hours a week rotating shift and the kids are in school and she says she is very unhappy that I'm not doing 50% of the chores. I told her I would pick up the pace and I have which brings us to cold and distant. She tells me she's not in love with me but doesn't hate me. We go to counciling at her request which I think is a good idea. The conciler offers sugestions and some times I need to change or look at things differently and sometimes my wife does. However when the conselor offers suggestions to my wife, she either says she doesn't agree or won't do them. Ie: telling me what she expects in the chore dept. Or trying to go on a date. Or trying to work on some of my issues with her like non-sexual intamacy. I feel like she is going to the sessions so she can say she tried, but is not putting any effort in it. How long should I live like this? I feel she is only going thru the motions and not even making an honest effort to salvage 16 years and our family.


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## Bob S (Sep 30, 2009)

No I don't believe there is anybody else. I have asked when this blew up. Trust has never been an issue.for me, not so much for her. As I look back on her actions this has been brewing for some time but I think she was afraid of giving up the good life my work provides. I don't know why she suddenly realized she didn't love me but she has been getting more and more distant for 6-7 years. Upon reflection I am realizing sex was only occouring after she had a few drinks and never just to happen. It was always after she went out with her bff or at the campground after she had a few and we went to bed. LH I an trying to change but part of that is she has to let me know what she wants because I already do the chores that bother me uncompleted IE Dishes, Lawn, repairs, my laundry, garbage. The rest is unimportant to me so I don't worry about it or complain if its not done. I will do it if she asks but she thinks I should just know whats important to her at that moment.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You do realize that lying is something that accompanies affairs, right? Check on things just to be sure. That will let you know if you're working on the right things.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Listen to the other posters. Do whatever checking you can regarding her actions and a possible OM. If you don't find any evidence than great.

Then..work on yourself. Start doing things to better yourself...self help books, exercise, classes, hobbies, individual counseling even. You get the picture. I know you work hard and long hours...carve some time for you. This will help you keep some sanity and make you appear more attractive to your W. Afterall, would she want to leave someone who was a fun, happy, attractive guy or a needy, clingy, unattractive guy? 

You can't change her mind or do anything to MAKE her love you. 

I understand how a spouse can be disengaged during the MC process. My H was...totally useless during the process. I ended up quitting. If it becomes too painful or obvious that MC isn't working then quit. Start going to indiv. instead.


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## Bob S (Sep 30, 2009)

I have been trying to find new things but I gave up my passions for her and the kids (motorcycles,very fast cars). I've not changed much bodywise since we got together but I've begun to get more exercize. I try not to be needy but like any man I want it fixed now!!! I truley don't believe she is having an affair do to 95% of the time knowing her whereabouts (till last week she was at the campground on weekends and at home thru the week) We have 2 kids 12&8 so I would know if she wasn't where she said she was. I also check the computer history due to wanting to know what the kids may be looking at.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Knowing whereabouts isn't the same as knowing what she's doing. You'd be surprised what people can pull off when it is exciting and there's a payoff. 

Regardless, get back some of what you're interested in -- at 12 and 8, the kids can join in. What kids don't like cars and bikes???

So who else is at this campground?


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## Bob S (Sep 30, 2009)

No. The wife asked me to stay off motorcycles until the kids are teens due to danger. (one of my old riding buddies was her stepfather who lost his leg in an accident when she was 16) and I gave up the car to get her and the kids a camper- only so much money to go around. I felt this was better atmosphere to raise a family. There are no single guys at the campground that I'm aware of however I suppose there could be an emotional affair that i'm not aware of due to her spending time on facebook and chatting.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I know when my ex started having an EA he became like a different person overnight. Very cold and distant. You could cut the tension like a knife. I just hope that's not what she's been up to but with facebook I wouldn't doubt it. That's why I can't stand that site. Too many old hookups going on with former flames. Maybe people trying to relive their glory days. Good Luck.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes EA do make the other person distant because their heart is some where else. Not saying thats alwas going to be the case but lust has a way of doing that. It will fade eventually.. I am really starting to dislike FB. I think its a melting pot for affairs cause too many people get sucked in when their life is not great. My wife did but is finally seeing the problems and has backed off a lot.. Which is making me happier.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What about a quad then?


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## Bob S (Sep 30, 2009)

Well Dobo I am more the heavily tattooed type of motorcyclist ie; I lived and breathed them, not so much on the dirt. But thanks anyways, she told me tonight that i was right that she was going thru the motions so its over. Now we have to figure out how to end it due to debt and the kids and so forth. Thanks for everbodys advice. Bob


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## Bob S (Sep 30, 2009)

I'm updating the post for others, but you guys were right she was having an e/a. As soon as we agreed to a divorce and she realized I wouldn't go crazy because of the kids she started dating a 23 year old from the campground. Began to find out from friends that they suspected something but did not know for sure. I sure wish you were wrong, but now I am stuck so I figured I would vent here.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sorry Bob! It's heartbreaking after all of these years.

Keep focusing on yourself and your children. 

She is in la-la land with this new guy. Let her sink and find her way. She won't come back as long as OM is in the picture. 

Protect yourself as much as possible.


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## Bob S (Sep 30, 2009)

Thanks Corpuswife, We have already filed for divorce and she won't be in the marital picture for me. I don't go back. The kids appear to be doing fine so I hope everything works out ok with them


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