# moving forward with divorce



## xpat (Jan 10, 2012)

After thirteen years of an unhappy marriage (the last five in separation), my wife and I have finally decided to take the final step and divorce. We had discussed counseling many times over the past years, but neither my wife nor I made any real move to do anything about it. Now we agree that we don't want each other any more and it is time to end it.

I think we waited so long because there was a lot of emotional violence during the first part of the marriage, and we were unfortunately too blind and angry with each other to keep it away from our daughter. So we were waiting until we were sure that we wouldn't be causing her any further insecurity. In any case, we did manage to come to our senses shortly before our separation, and our daughter is now a well-adjusted teenager (as well-adjusted as a teenager can be...), with an enviable school and social life. She understands why we are divorcing and is very emotionally supportive of both her mother and me.

Regarding finances, we have come up with an equitable settlement. My wife has been a stay-at-home mother to date, and will now have to decide on a new career and train for it, but I will be giving her whatever she needs financially until she completes her studies and gets a job. In any case, she'll be financially ok.

One problem is that she has been having mild depressive episodes lately and starts crying when I mention the different things we need to get done in order to get divorced without delay. There are no outbursts; her eyes just start to tear up and she starts to fold in on herself a bit. I have done my best to reassure her regarding the future but it seems that she cannot dismiss her fears. Related to this is that I told her that it was well time that we both started to get out and start dating. I have not been emotionally or physically intimate with a woman for six years -- there were many opportunities, but since I was still married, and we were occasionally still paying lip-service to some notion of reconciliation, I kept the faith and did not go astray. For whatever reason, this issue makes my wife the most distraught of all, but she won't tell me why, she just weeps a bit and shakes her head.

Is there anything else that anyone thinks I should be doing here, or should we be able to finally push on with our lives, now that we've agreed on the particulars?


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

I think, based on what you have written so far, that you are doing the right thing. There's really nothing much you could do. I applaud you for being decent in the face of this ending.
Most husbands would be vindictive and ugly (Just like mine).
It is normal for her to be scared, especially if she's been a stay at home mom for so long. Even though you'v been living in an unhappy marriage, there's some sense of familiarity in each other's company. And soon, it's going to end, and it's scaring the crap out of her. Uncertainty is scary...
I think you should not bring up the idea of dating other people for now, because even if you think your marriage has ended, it's still hard to think of the person you shared your life with for a long time, finally sharing it with someone else.
We, as soon to be ex-wives still like to think that our soon to be ex-husbands might pine for us, and miss us, and that it will be hard for you as husbands to replace us. We know it's over, but let us think that we were special, and it will take time for you to forget us. It's just comforting to know that we're not the only one feeling regret over the ending of our marriage.
I'm educated and financially capable, but I'm still scared at the thought that I won't be able to call on my husband if I need him (even though, all this time while separated, I resisted the urge to call him when I do need help, car troubles, home repair, etc.) after the divorce because we will stop being husband and wife to each other ( I hope I'm making sense here).
Just continue to be kind...it's rare.
I would love for my husband to show kindness and regret even though we both know it's over.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Wish there were rules for all of this, each of us needs to do it differently. I agree, the kindness is welcome, although for me, all the kindness and the helping makes it hard for me to see that it is actually ending. My H is willing to do anything around the house or car, but don't I need to start to take care of all that without him? Or do I? Just makes me crazy


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## xpat (Jan 10, 2012)

ProfJ said:


> I think, based on what you have written so far, that you are doing the right thing. There's really nothing much you could do. I applaud you for being decent in the face of this ending.
> Most husbands would be vindictive and ugly (Just like mine).
> It is normal for her to be scared, especially if she's been a stay at home mom for so long. Even though you'v been living in an unhappy marriage, there's some sense of familiarity in each other's company. And soon, it's going to end, and it's scaring the crap out of her. Uncertainty is scary...
> I think you should not bring up the idea of dating other people for now, because even if you think your marriage has ended, it's still hard to think of the person you shared your life with for a long time, finally sharing it with someone else.
> ...


Sounds like you're in a sad situation, sorry to hear it. But my situation is different because my wife doesn't particularly like me much and has no problem saying so. It doesn't hurt me because the feeling is more or less mutual, but is it understandable that her reactions are truly surprising?


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Sometimes...acting like your wife doesn't like you is a plea for attention.
I act like I don't like my husband, but it's because I have been rejected so much that I've built a wall around me to protect myself so his indifference is not going to affect me as much.
Yes it is understandable for you that your wife's reaction is truly surprising because she is showing you a different emotion previously.
But as the finality of divorce looms, it takes people's guard down and there is no more need to play head games.
I believe what you see from your wife right now is fear and remorse, but she would die before she admits it. (trust me, I know, and I'm in it right now)


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