# Should I provide for the step-children if...



## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

She doesn't want me to "discipline" the SK. She is bringing 2 kids to the marriage and gets very......very frustrated when I "discipline". Ok, for clarification, my disciplining consists of not letting my step-son sit at the dinner table in JUST just boxers. I don't punish them, or spank. Here is my question, I have found out through TAM about disengaging. I have applied this technique, but I find it frustrating to be just an ATM when the kids need money for something, anything when I'm not allowed to participate in shaping their attitude, behavior and character. My wife doesnt work and we have a newborn, I have no problem providing for her and our newly born, but the older kids want....want....want from me but when I ask them for something it just isnt happenning. Do I have the right to refuse dispensing monies to the older ones. There is more to it, you can review my previous posts for more info if needed. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I read some of your other posts, not all. But you already know there is a lot more to this. With holding financial support for the SK is not going to solve any of your problems or make anything better. It might give you a brief sense of "how do you like that!!".

Your relationship with your W is the root of all this. Not wanting you to discipline SK is just the symptom. Treat the problem, not the symptom.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He'a not talking about with holding financial support.
He's talking about refusing to buy that XBox and handing out cash for movies & crap.

Yes OP you would be within your rights to stop spoiling/enabling your SK but pick your battles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

tacoma said:


> He'a not talking about with holding financial support.
> He's talking about refusing to buy that XBox and handing out cash for movies & crap.
> 
> Yes OP you would be within your rights to stop spoiling/enabling your SK but pick your battles.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah i can see that but pb is also right, he needs to treat the problem not the symptom. the w must change!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

dblkman said:


> yeah i can see that but pb is also right, he needs to treat the problem not the symptom. the w must change!


You're totally correct but knowing his back story I'm pretty sure he can't fix the real problem as his wife has no interest in doing so/
The best bisquits can hope for is surviving until his kids are of age or divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I have not read the entire back storey but it never ceases to amaze me how many people enter into relationships without checking that they both have the same long term goals / ideas on how a household should be run. 

IMHO This seems to be even more prevalent amongst those entering second or subsequent relationships. You would think that we would learn from our mistakes.

As to the OP's problem,
It would be unacceptable for me to be in a relationship where I was not treated as an equal by my partner, house rules should be agreed by the couple and applied evenly by all. Everybody deserves to be housed / feed / clothed / educated etc but "extra" and "treats" have to be earned and you do not get them if you disrespect others.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

yeah living like that is NOT living....resentment will begin to take over (if it hasn't already).


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

As far as the kids welfare I'm providing for them...but when I ask one of them to do something, or not do something and they yell at me that they hate me, and their life because I "ruined" it...then 5 minutes later walk in and ask for a new playstation 3 or tackle box of make-up...all I can do is just sit there bewildered at the pure selfishness of their actions. Im chuckling now just thinking about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?


I cant say that I have. What would the benefit be of reading it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It would teach you what your role, as the male in the house, is. That you CAN step up and be a bit more alpha without upsetting anyone. In fact, it will tell you that being more alpha is what women WANT, and you will make her happier by stepping up.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

How does your W expect her children to respect you if you're not allowed to correct or discipline them when they do something wrong? They get to yell at you and tell you that they hate you? :scratchhead:

If your W doesn't want you to discipline her children, she needs to make a better job of doing it herself.

I couldn't tolerate that sort of situation for 5 minutes...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your problem isn't with the kid. The kid is behaving as an average kid. Your wife isn't treating you with respect and THAT is the problem. Regardless of who sired which kids, that is your home and you have the right to exercise authority in it. You aren't a house guest. You aren't an ATM machine. You aren't her pet, her daddy, or her subordinate. Believe I'd just have to sit her down and tell her I was going to live in an environment where I gave and received respect and she could help make that kind of environment or I'd find a lawyer and she could be master of all she surveyed. She can be boss or she can be married. You start letting someone strip little pieces of your dignity, you'll wake up one day unable to recognize, respect, or even like yourself. I'm not going to live in a Jerry Springer episode. I don't take crap from kids anywhere and I refuse to be threatened, laid a hand upon, or disrespected by anyone in my own home. You'd be better off living in a box under the interstate overpass than in a home where you were serially disrespected.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NMMNG will teach you all this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell the kids that you will not give them any $$ until they stop eating at the table in their boxers.

Tell your wife the same thing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When they buy the groceries and their name is on the mailbox they can eat like buck naked jungle dwellers but until that happens, my house, my chow, my table, my rules.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Wiltshireman said:


> It would be unacceptable for me to be in a relationship where I was not treated as an equal by my partner, house rules should be agreed by the couple and applied evenly by all. Everybody deserves to be housed / feed / clothed / educated etc but "extra" and "treats" have to be earned and you do not get them if you disrespect others.


So, maybe OP should create a list of say 10 Basic House Rules... like wearing shirts and pants at the dinner table, picking up after yourself, not talking back to adults, etc.... whatever he thinks the "House Rules" should be. Present this to the w, ask for input. As long as they are reasonable, if she has no input then he can feel free to enforce them. Actually, it's hard to enforce them without backup... but you could establish house rules (and if you are feeling industrious, you could get the kids input also) and then NOT reward them when they don't follow the house rules.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> So, maybe OP should create a list of say 10 Basic House Rules... like wearing shirts and pants at the dinner table, picking up after yourself, not talking back to adults, etc.... whatever he thinks the "House Rules" should be. Present this to the w, ask for input. As long as they are reasonable, if she has no input then he can feel free to enforce them. Actually, it's hard to enforce them without backup... but you could establish house rules (and if you are feeling industrious, you could get the kids input also) and then NOT reward them when they don't follow the house rules.


Right on,just like when I was a kid.ou had chores to do to get an allowance.Right up a fair set of rules and if they follow them
they get rewarded.Your already getting yelled at so learn to be 
bad guy for once and say no.

The worst they can do is yell.Remind your wife and the children
who pays for what they have.Start doing the 180 and see how
that gets there attention.Your being treated bad because you allow it to go on.Kids are smart,they will learn.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are unfit to discipline a kid, why did she make one with you? Either you're a father or you aren't. Either you're a man she can respect and trust or you aren't. If you aren't worthy of her respect and her trust you are living at the wrong address.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

i'm sorry i have not read your other posts, but does your wife discipline her kids herself? or not at all?

my parents divorced and my mother remarried, and my stepdad never disciplined us. as an adult my mother said this was on purpose, because she knew that we were used to only taking orders from her, and she wanted our relationship with our stepdad to be a good one, not resentful of the marriage because now we had one more person telling us what to do. also my stepdad was not comfortable jumping into discipline us. so my mom did it, and they both agreed this was the way they wanted it. 

is it possible your wife feels the same way, that she wants to be the one giving the discipline? would you be okay with telling your wife in private when you have a problem with a certain behaviour, and then she could deal with it?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by turnera
> Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?





> Originally Posted by *Biscuits
> I cant say that I have. What would the benefit be of reading it*.


Oh, I dunno.....was just thinking that MAYBE you'd like to be ahead of the curve on the newborn. Since s/he has the same crappy mother as your stepkids, you can expect s/he'll have the same crappy attitude as your wife and stepkids. Fifteen years from now, your newborn will "BE" your stepkids!

Read the book, put it into practice, or expect to be treated the same crappy way you're being treated now! It's not the fact that you're their STEP-dad that has the kids treating you like crap...it's the poor upbringing/discipline by their bio mom....whom I would like to point out is the same crappy bio mom your newborn has!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Biscuits said:


> She doesn't want me to "discipline" the SK. She is bringing 2 kids to the marriage and gets very......very frustrated when I "discipline". Ok, for clarification, my disciplining consists of not letting my step-son sit at the dinner table in JUST just boxers. I don't punish them, or spank. Here is my question, I have found out through TAM about disengaging. I have applied this technique, but I find it frustrating to be just an ATM when the kids need money for something, anything when I'm not allowed to participate in shaping their attitude, behavior and character. My wife doesnt work and we have a newborn, I have no problem providing for her and our newly born, but the older kids want....want....want from me but when I ask them for something it just isnt happenning. Do I have the right to refuse dispensing monies to the older ones. There is more to it, you can review my previous posts for more info if needed. Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I spanked my stepson. I raised him since he was 18 MO, and he is now 45. He is as good a man as you will find, and my good friend. I would not want to be anyone that would offer to do me harm, or even be disrespectful to me when he is around. It would not be pretty, but I would like to be able to sell tickets to the event....
When you take on a wife with children, you take them as your own. get your wife on board. She needs to realise there is only one point of vire when it comes to raising kids...The parents united...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Generally discipline should come through the natural parent. You should work on a better relationship with your children and talk with your wife about discipline even if she does it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Everything that Unbelievable posted here... :iagree:

And not to make light of the problem, but I am smiling at the thought of a "buck naked jungle dweller..."


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My home is my refuge from the world. I will not have kids, animals or guests living there that are beyond my control. I won't be a prisoner in my own home.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

turnera said:


> It would teach you what your role, as the male in the house, is. That you CAN step up and be a bit more alpha without upsetting anyone. In fact, it will tell you that being more alpha is what women WANT, and you will make her happier by stepping up.


I disagree. This has to do with the kids playing Biscuits and their mom against each other. Biscuits already has his standards set, doesn't seek approval from kids or W, etc.

It's fine that mom doesn't want Biscuits disciplining the kids, because raising them is up to his W and the kids' father. But, by the same token, the parents must ensure kids behave well, with a bare minimum of respect.

Biscuits, I don't see this as a discipline issue so much as a respect issue. These kids know that if they pulled that on a friend or classmate, they would find themselves shunned; they pull that at home because your wife allows it. If it happens again, tell your wife you will not be disrespected by the kids. If she won't address it, you will demand respect for yourself and her thoughts on the matter won't impact your actions.

Then, just tell the kids "don't talk to me or ask anything extra of me until you can act right".


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## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

These are the types of things that have to get spelled out before hand. Our kids were 10, 10, 11 and 12 when we married. We do not discipline each others kids. Obviously if someone is doing something grossly inappropriate well...I'd tell the stranger neighbor kid not to play in the street or not to do xyz...but OP sounds like his relationship with the kids is dependent on his ability to discipline them and that will cause an issue between him and his wife.

NOT saying he is right OR wrong...just that it will cause an issue.

Kids misbehave. Kids don't always follow direction.

I guarantee that when his own kid acts out one day, he won't write her off as no longer being deserving of affection from him. THAT'S what plague's blended families.

Parents are forgiving of their offsprings mishaps. You have loved them since you first counted their 10 toes. The stepkids do not have that benefit of lifelong love and it's easy to make their behavior = them being bad.

Again, your issue is NOT with the stepkid and it isn't fair to put it on him. Your issue is lack of communication with your spouse about how your blended family will function.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Wiltshireman said:


> I have not read the entire back storey but it never ceases to amaze me how many people enter into relationships without checking that they both have the same long term goals / ideas on how a household should be run.
> 
> ....


I used to think this. That is why everything was very much covered in my own marriage BEFORE the wedding. The Church even provided a questionairre of expectations for yourself and what you thought the partner expected. I was very please that we were both aligned.

These things lose all meaning as soon as married. She might well have thought it sounded good, but as soon as it came to it, they went out the window.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CaitieB said:


> Kids misbehave. Kids don't always follow direction.
> 
> I guarantee that when his own kid acts out one day, he won't write her off as no longer being deserving of affection from him. THAT'S what plague's blended families.
> 
> Parents are forgiving of their offsprings mishaps. You have loved them since you first counted their 10 toes. The stepkids do not have that benefit of lifelong love and it's easy to make their behavior = them being bad.


:iagree:


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## dream_weaver (Jun 5, 2012)

SO doesn't discipline my 2 kids but that's because he doesn't have to- I do!! If he felt he needed to he would and I would back him up. I pay for my girls so they never ask him for anything and when he does treat them they are very thankful, gosh he cooks for them when he's home from working away and they thank him for that!!!

Those children need to respect you and the only way they will do that is if your wife respects you and demands the children do to…if I am speaking with my SO and the children interrupt they are told to wait until we have finished our conversation. They MUST say goodnight/good morning to my SO etc…they will treat him as an adult in authority. Thankfully both my girls love him to pieces but I think it's also because I've demanded they respect him.


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## Phil Landers (Apr 26, 2014)

I am wondering if your kids have a learned behavior from your wife. Does she come to the table only wearing boxers too?


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