# My head is exploding



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Have to vent:

Both myself and wife are bears in the morning, really really really grumpy morning people. We have 4 kids that wake up between 9 and 10 am. Workdays she wakes up with them each day, weekends I wake up with them at least one of the two days I have off. (my workday is normally 3pm to 11pm).

I got up with the kids early yesterday, my first weekend day. Today I thought I'd sleep in. 9am the kids are up and its always loud when they wake up (they are each under 4). She wakes up, tells them to go back to bed, and then gets back in bed herself. I make the rude comment that in order to not traumatize the kids by neglecting them, I'll get up with them. 

She goes into a frenzy and starts screaming at me. She isn't calling me names or blaming anything on me. Just freaking out, screaming that we are the parents and we should control when the kids get up, the kids shouldn't choose when to get up, that they woke up at 7am and tried to get her to wake up, but that she has them in the routine of waking up every day between 9 and 10 because she is their mother and she is the one who should control when they wake up, not them. Ok. So I tell her it is between 9 and 10 am, so what is the problem, they are in the routine she set for them. 

She screams at me some more, like really angry screaming, not swearing, not saying anything bad about me or the kids or anyone, but screaming pretty much the same thing she was screaming for the past minute or so. 

I tell her, "Please don't scream at me....stop screaming at me..._stop f*ing screaming at me_" and she pauses a second and says, "Or what? Your going to get mad and break stuff?". 

If I have a fantasy involving other women, it is that I am never screamed at by another woman again. 

So now she is getting the silent treatment from me and I am wondering how far that will go until everything we have worked on for the past month is broken. gah. 

Exasperated. To make things worse, while trying to make coffee this morning, the whole thing fell over into the sink (weight of the full coffee pot, too close to the edge of the sink). I dropped a loud f bomb and "put down" the sugar jar a little too hard on this ceramic thing she put out that we put our coffee spoons and the sugar jar and creamer on. And it breaks. 

"Breaking more of my stuff..." she says fairly calmly. I ask her specifically what else of hers I ever broke and she doesn't answer. I ask again and she doesn't answer. I say, "You are saying nothing, so you are pretty much acknowledging that I never broke anything of yours before." She ignores me. I never break her stuff, and to my knowledge, that is the only thing of hers I ever broke. And it really was an accident though I guess if I was calm at that moment I would have been more careful. 

I dunno. I am mad because she screamed at me but I did end up breaking something.

So...I don't know how to handle being screamed at. The emotion is violent. Like if that was a man standing there screaming I would tell him to stfu and if he didn't I would shut him up. But I am not violent with her or the kids. So I sit there and my head explodes in its self. 

Should I chalk this up to a morning spat and just move from there, or should I come up with a line for her to not cross (like don't fkn scream at me), and what to do when she crosses it because she will. 

I can talk to her about it but I don't want to fight. Really. I hate fighting. I really hate fighting. I guess I can apologize for breaking her thing, and just accept right off the bat that she won't apologize for screaming. Because I know she won't.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i would tell her that she will get zero reaction from me if she continues to scream irrationally. seems like she is trying to exert power over you or trying to get a reaction. by reaction i mean, it sounds like you are a fairly calm person by what you have written, maybe that drives her crazy that she cant stir you up.

whatever, it sounds like you huys have some issues, she sounds very stressed for some reason. i had to laugh cause one of my kids gets up at 5 am and the other two at 6am, who the hell sleeps til 9 or 10?


----------



## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

yes, this sounds like a morning spat to me. Is it worth letting your pride get involved and making it a bigger issue? You said you've made progress with her - don't blow it. I think frustration over other issues probably played a roll, and being grumpy and tired in the morning didn't help. I agree she should not yell at you. But, to her credit you did say she was not cussing, calling names, or anything out of line... 
"like really angry screaming, not swearing, not saying anything bad about me or the kids or anyone, "

so her volume was the real issue. apologize for inadvertently breaking her stuff. 

The real issue may be this:
do you think your comment to her... "I make the rude comment that in order to not traumatize the kids by neglecting them, I'll get up with them." ...was fair to say?

I mean most mothers are super sensitive about their mothering skills. Did you REALLY fear for the kids safety? - or were you pissy because she woke you up? Is she a good mother? - if your answer is yes, then maybe you owe her one hell of an apology for provoking the whole situation to begin with. Actually come to think of it, if I was in your wife's shoes(or Pj's as it were), given your nasty comment, I probably wouldn't feel the need to apologize either. Attacking her mothering skills is pretty low (I know that is harsh, just how I feel). Seriously your lucky she didn't get out of line, I would have been imagining all sorts of torture for you. and all she did was raise your voice!!?? - count yourself lucky.

no offense but if you don't like being yelled at by your wife, then you probably need to refrain from telling her she is a neglectful mother. Thems fightin words, my friend.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

FLgirl said:


> no offense but if you don't like being yelled at by your wife, then you probably need to refrain from telling her she is a neglectful mother. Thems fightin words, my friend.


:iagree:

if you dont like fighting so much then dont pick a fight.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

FLG,
Amazingly one sided post. Since when is it ok to just explode start screaming at someone just because they say something you don't like? 

He made one critical comment about what she was DOING - not about her as a person/mom. Going on screaming and screaming at someone for something like that is abusive especially since he stated that he would get up with them, it was in the usual wakeup time and frankly uh - 9 AM is just not early for anyone. 

I would be glad to apologize for breaking my wifes thing in that situation. It is also true Hell would freeze over before I spoke to her again about anything real - until I got an apology for her abusive outburst. 



FLgirl said:


> yes, this sounds like a morning spat to me. Is it worth letting your pride get involved and making it a bigger issue? You said you've made progress with her - don't blow it. I think frustration over other issues probably played a roll, and being grumpy and tired in the morning didn't help. I agree she should not yell at you. But, to her credit you did say she was not cussing, calling names, or anything out of line...
> "like really angry screaming, not swearing, not saying anything bad about me or the kids or anyone, "
> 
> so her volume was the real issue. apologize for inadvertently breaking her stuff.
> ...


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> Have to vent:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL - no kidding

His comment was definitely tactless - but if every time your spouse says something tactless you get to explode and scream at full volume to your hearts content - well - there is a word for people act like that - divorced. 

As for her behavior later she was clearly trying as hard as she possible could to push his buttons and make him lose his temper. Not the behavior of someone who is "in the right". When you are right you just wait til everyone is calm and explain why you were right. When you were wrong and want to avoid an apology you try and start more conflict and hope to provoke the other person into doing something MORE wrong. 

Four kids under 4 and a wife with an anger management issue, that sure is tough. 






okeydokie said:


> i would tell her that she will get zero reaction from me if she continues to scream irrationally. seems like she is trying to exert power over you or trying to get a reaction. by reaction i mean, it sounds like you are a fairly calm person by what you have written, maybe that drives her crazy that she cant stir you up.
> 
> whatever, it sounds like you huys have some issues, she sounds very stressed for some reason. i had to laugh cause one of my kids gets up at 5 am and the other two at 6am, who the hell sleeps til 9 or 10?


----------



## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> FLG,
> Amazingly one sided post. Since when is it OK to just explode start screaming at someone just because they say something you don't like?
> 
> He made one critical comment about what she was DOING - not about her as a person/mom. Going on screaming and screaming at someone for something like that is abusive especially since he stated that he would get up with them, it was in the usual wakeup time and frankly uh - 9 AM is just not early for anyone.
> ...


@ MEM11363
I truly meant no disrespect to Commited1. just seems he is saying that he is frustrated by his wife's screaming at him. While I agree she should not have screamed... in a perfect we all would be in 100% control every time we get angry. Truth be told they were both out of line in some ways. Keep in mind my post was to Commited1, NOT Mrs. Commited1. He stated clearly that the issue was her "angry screaming" but that she didn't say anything out of line about him or the kids. He cannot control her behavior, no matter how much he tries, but he can avoid deliberately pushing her buttons. He can understand that for most mothers making a comment that puts her mothering skills in question is particularly hurtful. Especially coming from the father of said children. Look, if you poke the bear with a sharp stick, you shouldn't cry when they growl at you. 

@Commited1
re: "I make the rude comment that in order to not traumatize the kids by neglecting them, I'll get up with them."

If you truly feel your wife's behavior that morning, or any other time, is traumatizing or neglecting your children... then do not ignore it! Have a serious talk with her ASAP and get help NOW. 

Just trying to be helpful. - FLgirl


----------



## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

You don't give someone the silent treatment _after_ they scream at you and act irrational. That's just spite.

You give people the silent treatment _while_ they are screaming. If they finally blurt out "Will you talk to me!?" you say "After you get control of yourself and we can talk like adults."

In order for this to work, of course, _you_ have to have control of _your_self.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

FLG,
Those are all fair points. I try hard not to have to speak to anyone during my first 60 minutes of being awake in the morning. 

I also think I would go quietly/or loudly insane if we had 4 kids under 4 years old to care for. That sure is a huge stress load on anyone. 





FLgirl said:


> @ MEM11363
> I truly meant no disrespect to Commited1. just seems he is saying that he is frustrated by his wife's screaming at him. While I agree she should not have screamed... in a perfect we all would be in 100% control every time we get angry. Truth be told they were both out of line in some ways. Keep in mind my post was to Commited1, NOT Mrs. Commited1. He stated clearly that the issue was her "angry screaming" but that she didn't say anything out of line about him or the kids. He cannot control her behavior, no matter how much he tries, but he can avoid deliberately pushing her buttons. He can understand that for most mothers making a comment that puts her mothering skills in question is particularly hurtful. Especially coming from the father of said children. Look, if you poke the bear with a sharp stick, you shouldn't cry when they growl at you.
> 
> @Commited1
> ...


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you for all the well thought out and debated responses! I read every word of each of them. 

I should not have said the rude thing that I said. She should not have screamed at me. The rest of that day was actually pretty awesome, and later we agreed it was just a spat. 

About getting screamed at. I can't hack that, I really can't. I can hack the rude snippy comments. Sometimes we do that and it is a kind of really assinine banter. Sometimes the banter becomes an argument, sometimes it becomes flirtng and sex. I am not a fan of it, but there it is. 

If I stay calm and civil while she is screaming at me she still screams at me until it is out of her system. I used to do that then I realized I have value as a human being and that means not tolerating someone screaming at me. The good thing is, like I said, there was no name calling or accusations or anything. Just the volume. Her screaming at me in the past was usually in the midst of an argument where she would go off and swear and call names and accuse etc. So I guess it is progress. 

I tell her 9am is not that early. She puts the kids to bed later so she can stay up later, it is an adjustment to my work schedule. When I worked 7am to 3pm everyone was up at 5am. 

I don't think she is generally neglectful as a mother, but what would have happened if I didn't get up that morning? I go to work and pay the bills and make the hard decisions- ones she even tells me she does not want to make- she takes care of the kids and the house. Thats the deal. Part of her end is waking up with the kids. I can't lay there and listen to young kids awake without any supervision and stay sleeping myself. That is why it was like, wtf, do your job. Though I said it differently. 

She is not the most communicative person. In fact she is the opposite. What I know, but what she will not say, is that she wants me to wake up both weekend days and pretty do 'her job' when I am at home so she gets a break. I don't have a problem with doing that but I am trying to get her to communicate to me that is what she wants me to do.


----------



## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> If I stay calm and civil while she is screaming at me she still screams at me until it is out of her system. I used to do that then I realized I have value as a human being and that means not tolerating someone screaming at me.


Screaming back is no good. I suppose you could buy a freon horn and keep it in your pocket, and whenever she starts yelling blast the horn. "Yelling back is too exhausting, and being yelled at is too insulting. So from now on, when you lose control of yourself and start yelling, I'll just blast the horn to drown you out."

Also, it's silly enough that it might make her laugh, which would help a lot.


----------



## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> She is not the most communicative person. In fact she is the opposite. What I know, but what she will not say, is that she wants me to wake up both weekend days and pretty do 'her job' when I am at home so she gets a break. I don't have a problem with doing that but I am trying to get her to communicate to me that is what she wants me to do.


Not trying to pick on you but in reference to what you said above: If you already realize she needs a break from the kids, why don't you just do it? why does she have to put it into words and "communicate" it to you... when you clearly already know what she needs?

I'm asking a serious question here. My H and I have 3 kids, all little, and my H is the worker bee as well. In fact, it sounds like his job is similar to yours. Sometimes I really feel like I am going crazy here in the house with them 24 - 7. I've tried to explain this to my H, but not sure he understands. I mean, I am so grateful to be able to stay home with them and raise them myself instead of having to hire a daycare to do it. I feel guilty to say "hey I need a break!" Because my H works so hard for us, I feel terrible guilt to ask for his help. It's "my job" like you said... except I NEVER get to clock out. No matter the time of day or night, if a little one needs a parent 24 - 7 = it's "my job". My H just doesn't understand that while his job is stressful, so is mine - in a totally different way. He gets lunch breaks - I don't. He get to go to the bathroom by himself - I get little ones banging on the door asking for more juice! He speaks to adults and has intellectual conversations - uh... I watch Dora and have circular debates with a 5 year old. 

So again I ask if you know the issue is that she wants your help when your home... why don't you just help her out?

Sorry to make this about me... just curious from a hubby's point of view. Anyone else with little ones experience the same thing?


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

FLgirl, 

I want her to communicate it to me because I want her to be in the habit of communicating to me what she wants, how she feeels etc. She really is not. Honestly, much of the time I don't know what is going on inside her head. Sometimes I do, but it is pretty rare. 

I take over everything with the kids as soon as I get home ffrom work, and on my days off- with the exception of the one day I sleep in. 

If my W is appreciative, she definitely does not communicate it at all, ever. She has a pretty complex scorebooard in her head that she uses to track everything I do and say down to the smallest detail and beyond. Complex to the point where somehow she comes out the persecuted woman. gah.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

FLG,
This is really good - it is very balanced. You should print this and show it to your H. Seriously. 




FLgirl said:


> Not trying to pick on you but in reference to what you said above: If you already realize she needs a break from the kids, why don't you just do it? why does she have to put it into words and "communicate" it to you... when you clearly already know what she needs?
> 
> I'm asking a serious question here. My H and I have 3 kids, all little, and my H is the worker bee as well. In fact, it sounds like his job is similar to yours. Sometimes I really feel like I am going crazy here in the house with them 24 - 7. I've tried to explain this to my H, but not sure he understands. I mean, I am so grateful to be able to stay home with them and raise them myself instead of having to hire a daycare to do it. I feel guilty to say "hey I need a break!" Because my H works so hard for us, I feel terrible guilt to ask for his help. It's "my job" like you said... except I NEVER get to clock out. No matter the time of day or night, if a little one needs a parent 24 - 7 = it's "my job". My H just doesn't understand that while his job is stressful, so is mine - in a totally different way. He gets lunch breaks - I don't. He get to go to the bathroom by himself - I get little ones banging on the door asking for more juice! He speaks to adults and has intellectual conversations - uh... I watch Dora and have circular debates with a 5 year old.
> 
> ...


----------



## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> FLG,
> This is really good - it is very balanced. You should print this and show it to your H. Seriously.


thanks MEM, but honestly I am trying to patch things up with him, not tear them apart. He does not take well to any kind of criticism - no matter how well balanced, or well meaning I might be. It is terribly sad to say that I do not have the energy to fight with him about this, then get blamed for bing a big B, then have to do back flips to make him feel better again... just so things are exactly the same. I am tired just thinking about it. I think it's just easier to do all the "kid work" by myself!


----------

