# wife's male friend



## Milesfred (Mar 18, 2012)

I need some advice. I am having trouble with my wife's male friend. He is someone she sees only once or twice a year because he lives out of town. I am not normally a jealous person but I believe this guy would love for it to be more that just a friendship. We have had this issue before because my wife does not have many female friends. I do trust my wife, but don't understand why she would do things she knows makes me uncomfortable. For example: She recently told me she was meeting the guy (meeting an hour away) to visit. I thought it was just for lunch or something. Turns out she left early in the morning and didn't return until late at night. She knows this upsets me but does it anyway. My wife is very attractive and doesn't understand that her "male friends" are around because (I believe) they want more than a friendship. She I just go along and trust she won't cross the line or tell her to stop?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right to be concerned about this. Men are tend to befriend women whom they want to bed. They usually do not give much time to women otherwise.

She should respect your wishes and not have such friendships.


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## Mikel (Mar 18, 2012)

Honest opinion.....,,, by you post.... I think it may be too late for me to speculate... 'ealy in the morning to late at night"...???? I'm not sure what to say to give you hope.... I wish i could you that I'm a man who is rarely right on my thots...... but I usually am rite..... let me know how it goes...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally Albright: Why not?

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: You only think you do.

Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: How do you know?

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Taken from When Harry Met Sally. My thoughts on male/female friendships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Sorry to say it does sound fishy...
And if they have the ability to meet up an hour away... Why see each other once or twice a year?
Also what is their correspondence like?
Do they talk on the phone? About what? 
Do they text? Facebook? Tweet?

Maybe a few questions to ask yourself... Do she really understand that things like this bothers you? What has she said about this?
Maybe I'm a bit biased about this, but my wife wants to hang out with a "male friend"... Then we ALL meet together... Have you questioned her about this date?

Sorry for all the questions, but further insight could do you good to figure out what's really going on...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This is not good. Check her emails, texts and FB page. See if they are carrying on an internet affair.

Leaving in the morning and staying with another man all day without contacting you is B.S. and you need to come down hard on her. Just because they see each other rarely means nothing.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Milesfred said:


> I need some advice. I am having trouble with my wife's male friend. He is someone she sees only once or twice a year because he lives out of town. I am not normally a jealous person but I believe this guy would love for it to be more that just a friendship. We have had this issue before because my wife does not have many female friends. I do trust my wife, but don't understand why she would do things she knows makes me uncomfortable. *For example: She recently told me she was meeting the guy (meeting an hour away) to visit. I thought it was just for lunch or something. Turns out she left early in the morning and didn't return until late at night*. She knows this upsets me but does it anyway. My wife is very attractive and doesn't understand that her "male friends" are around because (I believe) they want more than a friendship. She I just go along and trust she won't cross the line or tell her to stop?


wow, red flag


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

When and if you do address this issue, get ready for:

"We're just friends"
"There's nothing going on"
"It's all in your head"
"You're too sensitive"
"You're trying to control me"
"What, I can't have any friends?"

This smells fishier than the deck of a trawler.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

First, she's probably more than "just friends" with this guy. Why else would she sneak away to meet with him ALL DAYYYYYYY. Don't be naive. If they aren't banging, they will be soon.

Second, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible, GROW A PAIR. You're letting your wife go meet with a DUDE that wants to bone your wife? Why? Tell her you're not cool with it and she shouldn't disrespect you like that. You're acting like a chump.

She not only will continue to test you and your manhood in regards to this, she will actually find you less and less attractive as you allow her to walk over you. No woman is going to respect a guy that gets flustered when they hang around another guy but doesn't have the balls to stop it.

You need to have a talk about healthy boundaries and whatever you decide, stick to it. Also, don't sell yourself short. If something is not cool with you, and her hanging around another guy alone should be one of those things, then don't give in.

Don't be one of those guys that gets trashed by their spouse because they don't have any self-respect. As is usually posted here, the keys for getting a woman married or not, instigation, isolation, escalation. He's already instigated it when they talk about meeting, they're isolating for the entire day alone, it only takes something small to go the rest of the way.


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## Mello_Yellow (Feb 22, 2012)

Friend, you need to stop this NOW, if it's not already too late. Your wife has an emotional connection to this man, and she will fight you tooth and nail. Be prepared for her to attempt to take contact with him underground, if she isn't already doing so.

You say that she has few female friends, and this has been a problem before. Care to elaborate on this a bit? Likely you are this situation due to the way these past relationships have been handled.

And you might want to check out this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/41617-appropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Honestly, I don't know if it says more about what she thinks about these guys, or what she thinks about you when she expects that this would be no big deal to you, because she would have to be pretty simpleminded not to know that the other 99.99% of mankind would have a real problem with what went on that day. When you add in the the lack of openness in explaining exactly what she would be doing all day, its hard to believe that she didn't know exactly what this guys intentions were, because she was open to them.

When it comes to extreme boundary crossing, most married men, and women, would not even listen to the spouse's arguments over right to privacy, or accusations that you crossed the line by not respecting her right to privacy. Its time to stop caring about her accusations and care for the marriage, if it is not already too late.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Married women DO NOT HAVE SINGLE MALE FRIENDS THAT THEY SPEND ALL DAY WITH---IN DEFIANCE OF THEIR H'S WISHES------it is not part of the married script.

If married women do things with males, it is usually with the H's full knowledge and agreement---and it usually has to do with the necessities, of living----purchasing things that maybe the other man has expertise on---getting advice----maybe participating in activities---but it should always be done openly with others around, and with the h's full knowledge and agreement----and it would only be for the specifice time it took for the event, activity to happen----and for the most part it is actually done with married male friends of the married couple.

Your wife drove 2 hours back and forth to meet this guy---and spent at least 6 to 8 or more hours with him-----ALONE, and in who knows what setting-------if someone were asking you for advice---WHAT WOULD BE YOUR ANSWER TO THEM!!!!!!!


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Milesfred said:


> I need some advice. I am having trouble with my wife's male friend. He is someone she sees only once or twice a year because he lives out of town. I am not normally a jealous person but I believe this guy would love for it to be more that just a friendship. We have had this issue before because my wife does not have many female friends. I do trust my wife, but don't understand why she would do things she knows makes me uncomfortable. For example: She recently told me she was meeting the guy (meeting an hour away) to visit. I thought it was just for lunch or something. Turns out she left early in the morning and didn't return until late at night. She knows this upsets me but does it anyway. My wife is very attractive and doesn't understand that her "male friends" are around because (I believe) they want more than a friendship. She I just go along and trust she won't cross the line or tell her to stop?


Ever see the movie "Same Time, Next Year" with Alan Alda and Ellen Burstyn?
Just because she only sees him twice a year means nothing. It sounds like they get together for sex.
Your red flags, as others have pointed out, are~
She knows you don't like it, that it makes you uncomfortable, and she goes anyway. That's disrespecting, disregarding and trivializing your feelings.
Early morning to late at night? Can she account for what they supposedly did all day?
Going off to spend the day, all day, with another man when you're married? UH-UH. No way Jose. You weren't invited. Why?
You know he wants to be more then friends with your wife. This alone should be an immediate no contact situation for her.
Should you tell her to stop? No, you should DEMAND that she stop. If she won't, there's a reason and you should do some sleuthing.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

They had sex. They've been having sex. She is in an affair. Take the blinders off before you walk into something hard.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

If any wife of mine told me she was traveling an hour away to spend the day with another man I would tell her not to forget to take all of her possessions with her.Just bringing it up would tell me she's already in the affair.Women have to have a large pair of b*lls to do this or they view their husbands as totally ineffectual.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I bet she either "didn't feel like" sex that night, or didn't want to "because he got mad"....
I will disagree that opposite sex can't be friends, my best friend is a woman. She is 10 years older than me, and is like a big sister. her and her husband live 4 hours from us, so I don't see them very often, but I have hung out with them at times, and other times just her. The big difference is that it is with my wifes full knowledge and consent, and I talk to and text my wife thruout the day if I'm there. I'm never secretive about calling or emailing this friend, and this friend always says hi to my wife, or has me say hi For her if we are on the phone. If I started hiding conversations, going to another room so my wife didn't hear us talking, our hanging up add soon as my wife was around, she would have every right or reason toput limits on the friendship. the situation in this post by the OP reeks of a hookup. A friendship means nothing is hidden because there is nothing to hide, and the friend is respectful of the spouse and goes out of the way to include the spouse. A friend avoiding the spouse, our in any way being disrespectful of the spouse isn't a friend: they are competition.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

I've written in other posts that I don't think married people should have best friends of the opposite sex, because for the most part I think it leads to trouble. But I guess it depends on the definition of friendship.
I have a male acquaintance I love to talk with, as he's in a business I like. But our conversations are always at work, with customers milling around, dh knows I'm there, is always invited, (never comes cause it bores him to death), we don't text or call, ect. So, I guess the key here is complete and utter transparency. 
The OP's wife is going off without him to spend time with another man. Basically, a date.
Be interesting to put a tracker on her car and see where it goes.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I've written in other posts that I don't think married people should have best friends of the opposite sex, because for the most part I think it leads to trouble. But I guess it depends on the definition of friendship.
> I have a male acquaintance I love to talk with, as he's in a business I like. But our conversations are always at work, with customers milling around, dh knows I'm there, is always invited, (never comes cause it bores him to death), we don't text or call, ect. So, I guess the key here is complete and utter transparency.
> The OP's wife is going off without him to spend time with another man. Basically, a date.
> Be interesting to put a tracker on her car and see where it goes.


Or a VAR in it. The OP would no doubt be able to listen in on an eye opening conversation....or sounds.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes, a VAR will surely get to the bottom of all of this.

Do your self a solid by investigating the nuts and bolt to this friend ship. This "friend" is having an effect on the marriage, settle the matter once and for all by doing the investigation needed to find how healthy you marriage really is.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

the guy said:


> Yes, a VAR will surely get to the bottom of all of this.
> 
> Do your self a solid by investigating the nuts and bolt to this friend ship. This "friend" is having an effect on the marriage, settle the matter once and for all by doing the investigation needed to find how healthy you marriage really is.


He doesn't need a VAR for that. His wife is seeing a guy, he doesn't like it, and so she snuck off and met with him secretly ALL DAY with no consequences.

Even if the VAR found they were talking about Jesus all day long, the marriage isn't healthy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It didn't say she snuck off. If it was my wife she would be up a
sh!t creek.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> It didn't say she snuck off. If it was my wife she would be up a
> sh!t creek.


He thought she was going for lunch, she left early in the morning...

That's sneaking off if you ask me, especially since she knew he didn't want her going.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

As I've said in another post:

Not all of these friendships end in full-blown affairs...

...but all full blown affairs begin with these friendships.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Oh HELLL NOO!

She is showing a total lack of respect for you and your feelings.

I agree with the others. She either keeps the friends OR the marriage


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