# Tried to Open Up to the Mrs Only to Confirm her Affair



## Mister_Smith (Jul 7, 2020)

20 hours ago I was able to corner my wife of 12 (partner of 16) years into admitting her affair. It started by me reaching out, confronting her on her lack of affection, zero intimacy, secretive behaviour, and pouring herself into work. She'd mentally checked out on both me and our 5 y/o son months ago. We both work in high stress environments, are dealing with trying to get a family member to rehab, supporting her parents though a bankruptcy, among losing a pregancy in March (our 4th miscarriage in 3 years). I let her know her demeanor hadn't gone unnoticed, owned up to that fact I also need to address short comings as a husband, and said "I love you completly, even with our faults, and am willing to work on the issues creating the divide between us." She said that all the stress that we've been under has caused her to disassociate from her feelings, and she is having difficulting feeling any emotion but numbness.

Back in November I had caught some texts on her phone with a co-worker that were very flirty, and suggestive, but hadn't manifested into a physical relationship. I confronted her at the time, and we had a good discussion about what this leads to. I was non judgemental, asked her if she was feeling doubts about our marriage, or even if she was curious to know what it was like to be with another man? (To this point I was her 1st and only). I told her she still had my trust but the flirting needed to stop, she agreed. I redressed this conversation yesterday once again asking if there was more to this relationship with her coworker. She denied it emphatically and I knew it was a lie because I had seen messages the day prior about wanting to have sex on a pilates recliner during their next tryst. I came clean with what I knew, pressed the question again, and finally received the truth. 

I am gutted, as you all have been. My wife has had a strong moral compass, and I had fooled myself into believing she would tell me if she were tempted by an affair before she would let it happen. Obviosuly I was wrong. What's bigger is that if I think I know her like I do, sex is not separate from her emotion, and that she has real feelings for this man. Sex isn't a basal need for her, its more than that. I think that is what hurts the worst is that she's given her self away emotionally as well as physically. I don't want to admit it, but I know had I not intervened that this would have continued until they were caught. What's also hard to say out loud is that as angry, hurt, and betrayed as I am I cannot bring myself to hate her. I only hate what she did, and the pain she's causing.

She scheduled an emergency couples therapy session yesterday afternoon, and actually that help me contexualize what I was feeling, and really helped me pin point exactly what needed to be said to her to express the level of hurt and betrayal that her actions had caused. I need more answers and introspection before I am ready to walk away, or say I'm ready to reconcile. All I know, just mere hours later, is that in order to move forward in one direction or another I need to do the following:

Allow myself to confront the feelings that I am having, and try not to deny or rationalize them
Try not to torture myself with thoughts of details of her affiar, and sex with him. (it's been difficult not to)
Find a therapist to help me navigate the emotions I am having. (Started today, contacted 2)
Be the bigger person, continue couples therapy, and help her navigate her emotions and depression
_Even if we ultimately separate, my son deserves two happy parents_

Find a course of action that doesn't make me feel like I am having to keep her dirty secret
Ask her to end the relationship with the co-worker directly, and not passively
_Can't just ignore him and hope he goes away she needs to be willing to tell him it's over_

Promise myself not to do anything vindictive (I very badly want to confront this A-Hole for knowlingly starting a relationship with a married woman)
Have an exist strategy should I need it
Thank you for providing an avenue for people like me to post. I needed to do this before I am willing to confide in my family and friends. yes, I am embarassed, raw, and have been stripped of any confidence that remains in my wife, my marriage, and sadly myself. Stay Tuned...
Cheers,
Mister_Smith


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

First off, you _just_ found out about this mere hours ago. It is way too soon to start making decisions on whether you will reconcile (R) or divorce (D). Chances are your mind will change many times, and that's okay. Mine sure did! Eventually you do have to come to a decision and commit to it, but not yet. So keep being patient and taking your time.

On that same note... Right now it seems like you're doing pretty good, all things considered. Don't be surprised if that all comes crashing down into a blubbering, emotional mess. I'd be shocked if it didn't.

For therapy, generally individual counseling (IC) comes before marriage counseling (MC). This is so that you can decide what you want, and your wife can work on why she cheated and fix those issues within herself. If the MC helped you open the conversation then that is great, just don't jump in too fast to MC.

You said your wife confessed to the affair when confronted, did she only confess to what you know? That is something that most cheaters do. They deny, deny, deny until they find out you're onto them. Then they only admit to the information you know.

You should have your wife write out a full, detailed timeline. I'm not saying you need all the gory details (unless you want them) but you do need to know the full details of the who, what, when, where, why.

For gory details that seem like they might torture you... you only need to ask for as much information as you need. Some people need to know _everything_, I did. Some people don't. Either option is okay. I would _highly_ suggest talking to a therapist first so that they can help you decide what information you need, and what is just pain shopping. Whatever information you do need, deal with it _now_ so that it doesn't have to come back up later.

When my wife cheated I demanded to know everything. And I mean _everything_. When the tables were turned and my wife had questions for me about who I slept with, her therapist told her to write the questions down and wait a day, then decide if she _really_ needed that information. As a result she didn't ask many questions. About a year later she made a list of about 50 questions that she wanted answers to but all were important to her and very, very few were sexual. The problem there is that it wasn't processed off the bat and all had to come up a year later. My recommendation, aim for somewhere in the middle of what I did and what she did!

I'm sorry you found yourself in the position to need a forum like this. It's the club that no one wants to join, but there are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Personally, I would pack her ****, dump her and it on the lovers doorstep, but that’s me. There will be folks who have a different stance and they will give you ideas of options. It all depends on what you decide you want. 

In the interim, talk to a lawyer, not to act on anything, but to see what divorce would look like. Get tested for STD’s and have her tested, showing you the results. Separate monies, accounts etc... Why a couples therapy session? She was the one who had the affair, not you. I wouldn’t bother with the couples therapy while she’s in the affair, waste of money. Demand transparency.

You seem to have a good plan going forward, look after yourself and your son, eat properly, no alcohol, drink plenty of water, exercise.

Expose the affair, it helps in ending it, but she has feelings for him so it’s still going to be a tough road. You don’t have to hate her, but it doesn’t mean you have to like what she’s done. Please do not say that she’s a good mother, she’s just blown up your sons life and giving her time to her AP, hasn’t really been there for you and your son.

I hope your healing path and hers will come to a good outcome for all regardless of whether or not you divo or reconcile. I always cringe when there are children involve, coming from a family split by divorce and being in a situation of having a walk away wife. best wishes to you.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Really early in the situation, however, I recommend that you see a lawyer and a physician at the earliest possible time. Right now I could describe your condition as shock. That will last somewhere between 24-72 hours. Clarity, however will be elusive during this timeframe. A physician or therapist will be able to calm the storm, and at least provide some direction and most importantly some medication to take the edge off. It is not a permanent situation. This is to deal with the bleeding at this point. There will be periods of clarity. You will need a lawyer to let you in on your rights in this situation. I will not give you any specifics, as at this point you are in no way able to direct your actions toward a specific goal. Your ultimate goal here is to get out of infidelity. That entails a number of end games.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She never owned up, you caught her. Now she arranges “Emergency couples therapy “ to appease you. 
I’m going to be blunt, your wife is a lying cheating ***** and she is playing you like a fiddle. 
Her affair is NOT over and don’t fool yourself into believing it is. They will just take it underground. 
Tell your wife you are meeting with a lawyer and expose her affair to both your families. Being understanding is a fools errand in this situation.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Mister_Smith said:


> ...pressed the question again, and finally received the truth.


You may have received a basic admission of cheating, but as per most cheaters it'll be awhile (maybe never) when you get the full truth. Be prepared for numerous gut punches in the future. 

Despite the newness and rawness of this revelation, it seems your ability to handle this maturely is intact.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mister_Smith said:


> Stay Tuned...


It looks like you're an old hand at relating stories on message boards. Good luck.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

"Emergency Couples Therapy Session" = Damage Control

You realize this right?


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

So your wife is basically saying “My marriage is having problems, and the answers lay in another mans pants”.

Do you actually believe your wife all of sudden thinks your hotter and shes into you?


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## Mister_Smith (Jul 7, 2020)

Not sure that I do/did TBH


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

"she is having difficulting feeling any emotion but numbness." 

LOL! Right, unless of course you are her affair partner, with him she wants to do it on a pilate couch! 

You write very well, almost forget she lied, planned, cheated, as I read it. So sorry you are here. Getready for the rest of the story, it is going to hurt more.

Good luck.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your wife had other options besides an affair to deal with her issues and disappointment with life - but she choose an affair. Lot of people experience exactly what your wife experienced - but they didn't chose to cheat.

Her decision to cheat is 100% on her. And MC is useless at this point because it's your wife that's broken. She needs to fix herself first (IC) and then MC may be appropriate. 

Even though your wife may not (in your opinion/experience) have a strong sex drive, she may use sex as the price she pays for the OM's attention (which makes her feel special). Her moral code was not strong enough from preventing her from acting on her need for attention. 

You as a husband (i.e., NO spouse) can ever compete with her attraction to or thrill from another - and no spouse she have to compete. It's like the old family van trying to compete with a new corvette.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

1 - You must insist that she go 100% NC with the OM. Change jobs if necessary. Even seeing him keeps the affair going.

2 - If the OM is married, notify his wife (without warning your wife). Affairs die when exposed to the light. And exposure is one of the few consequences that cheaters experience.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like you're an old hand at relating stories on message boards. Good luck.


@Mr_Smith , ditto.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

Just understand that people will throw away everything for a little thrill. But only when they’re caught they’ll say “It was not worth it”. Why then? Your wife knew she was doing something wrong.

Like others have said, the MC is just to get you off the scent and rug sweep.

“If you want to see ugliness, watch the actions of a weak person seeking to minimize their shame and preserve a core benefit of integrity. Pitiful desperation. Best thing to do is to not throw them a life line, until you see humility.”


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## Mister_Smith (Jul 7, 2020)

bobert said:


> F
> 
> I'm sorry you found yourself in the position to need a forum like this. It's the club that no one wants to join, but there are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes.


This post has been the most helpful advice I have received. Thank you for replying, as well as everyone else here.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Are you understanding that: 
1) You are being played because you are a "Nice Guy"? 
2) Your wife is lying and trying to CYA and cover this up. 
3) She is the enemy not so treat her as such. 
4) Do not believe anything she says, at all. 
5) NO MARRIAGE COUNSELING right now, the problem is not the marriage, it is your wife. 
6) As others have said, see a lawyer, and a doctor. 
7) STOP TALKING TO HER FOR A WHILE. 

When you are out of shock, and you will know when that happens, this board will give you the next steps. 

And don't start making or talking about any decisions that you may make in the future. Just don't. Don't let her feel safe. 

Don't tell her you want to work it out, tell he you don't know, we will see how YOU (WIFE) handle what YOU have done... 

Let us understand that you know the basics. You can get through this, but not by being weak or in shock or by letting her call the shots. 

You are in charge of YOUR future, she does not get a say, she let another man have her, now you are not her one and only.... That is her fault. 

STOP BEING NICE... You will understand why later....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Mister_Smith the fact that she was distancing herself from both you and her own child indicates a potential serious mental health issue for your wife.

She needs a psychiatric (not a psychological) examination regarding potential treatment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Stay away from the other man. He just accepted what she offered. If you want to be angry at someone then be angry at her.


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## paboy (May 27, 2020)

There is a process called the 180, a standard procedure to get you out of infidelity. In essence, detach yourself emotionally from your cheating wife. It is not a punishment, it is designed to give you emotional space so that you can think more clearly. A Must... otherwise your emotions and her manipulation will have you jumping from one hoop to the other. Standards answers should be..thats not how I feel/or want to do... I'll think on it..I'll let you know...when I can think more clearly, I'll respond.. Again, it is not a punishment, it is designed to give you space to think clearly.
Do not do the 'pick me dance'.. very unattractive... a total turn off.. very seldom does this work. It tends to disgust them because the one that currently has her attention has more manly appeal.
Look after yourself. Eat, even if it is only nutritional smoothies. Hydrate, although stay away from alcohol. Exercise, this helps burn excess energy, and also release endorphins. Sleep is also important, see your doctor if needed.
If the affair partner(AP) has a partner, she needs to know. Not only does this help shed more light on the situation, it allows that person the knowledge, so that she can decide what she wants to do. Do not tell your wife of this, otherwise they will cover their story. Make you seem like a jealous, controlling, psychopathic mad man.
The mind movies and triggers come with the territory unfortunately. Some of these, and the responses i.e. lying etc have lead to PTSD.

You are new to this experience. You have two options out of this infidelity. Divorce or Reconciliation. Divorce is quicker and recovery is must faster. Reconciliation takes from 2 to 5 years. No joke. 2 yrs if remorse is continuous and she gives her all, and you are able to let it go.

You will also go through the stages of grief. If you think you are angry now, wait to you hit that angry stage.

Whatever you eventually decide, initially you should see a divorce lawyer and file. You can pull the Divorce whenever you are willing, but this action has so much positives. It puts you in the drivers seat and are acting, not being acted upon. It shows your wife real consequences, and that this love bubble that has been falsely created is about to burst. She is no longer a teenager running home to mum and dad's protection, but an adult not being able to run home to her loving husband and child, which she had previously abandoned. 

Other things to be aware of, in a work place affair NO Contact can not be maintained therefore very high risk of the affair continuing, in most cases underground. 

Do not rush into your decision.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mister_Smith said:


> Have an *exist* strategy should I need it


I know it's a typo, but it seems like solid advice. Sometimes you just need a strategy that will keep you existing through the next day.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I believe you should divorce your cheating wife. She would have never quit if she wasn’t caught. Even with her being caught, you have no way of knowing if the are still ****ing because they work together.

She is only sorry that she got caught.

She made the decision, like so many others, to start the physical affair after you caught her the first time.

She basically said f you.

I really suggest not doing couples counseling until you fine a great counselor for yourself. Make sure that they don’t blame you in anyway for your wife’s actions. Work on yourself then go from there.

You wife took a lover because she wanted to. There is no other reason.

You need to read The 180 and No More Mr Nice Guy. Implement them both.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

What a **** test! You deal with a rehab family member...deal with lost pregnancy. Then go on To create family household for her and your son. Yup. What a mess. 
You need the 180. Read it and live it. It will save your mentality. Seriously. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like you're an old hand at relating stories on message boards. Good luck.


BDL-

I see what you think.
........................................................
Old hands, shake but little, and relate well.

Stating calmly, with all the facts laid out, such this, well in hand.

Unlike others.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Mister_Smith the fact that she was distancing herself from both you and her own child indicates a potential serious mental health issue for your wife.
> 
> She needs a psychiatric (not a psychological) examination regarding potential treatment.


I agree....

...............................................................................
I see this as her cracking under all the stress that both of you have endured, of late.
She found release through escapism and fantasies.

This, with her living another life, one having no downs, just thrills and upsides.
She escaped her problems by jumping into another man's arms.

Oh, it is obvious to me, that she never bonded properly with her son.

I would forgive her, but unquestionably, divorce her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She’s not sorry she did it - she’s sorry she got caught! How many months pregnant was she? Could it have possibly been his child?....Sorry to ask that one but you need answers.

bottom line is - without consequences that hurt her really badly for her - she will continue the affair and just get sneakier about it!

expose her to all family and make sure you contact the other man’s wife directly - as in speak directly to her (do not tell your wife ahead of time).

throw your wife out today with one bag packed and tell her to figure her **** out because you don’t deserve to be treated this way!! Tell her that the cheating is unacceptable and you’re not staying with her! She needs to be scared to death that you're divorcing her! Don’t go back when she begs. If she asks anything use ONE WORD answers to anything she asks!
Give her the COLD shoulder! Do not get soft - and don’t show her anything except that you are mad she would do this to you!

change the locks after she leaves. Move any money into your name only so she can’t go on a huge spending spree. Close credit cards with both names on them. Use cards with your name attached only. That way any money she spends you can show proof that amount is NOT your responsibility in case you divorce her!

she is the enemy now and focused on her OM. Do not even try and compete! Tell her to go be with him.

Treat her like she the trash - because she been acting like she’s trash.

do not be nice and don’t give her any of your energy! IF she wants to become a better wife she can prove it while you make a happy life for your future. Let her show evidence she’s a changed person before you consider one more minute with her! Give her alone time to figure out what a crappy wife she’s been since late last year.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Advising people to break the law isn't helping. You can't just throw someone out, etc, without legal consequences coming your way.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Advising people to break the law isn't helping. You can't just throw someone out, etc, without legal consequences coming your way.


he can check with an attorney about the laws in his area.

I would think if A cheating spouse really felt truly bad about the damage they’ve caused - that when requested to leave - they would knowing the betrayed spouse needs space.

there’s no reason not to ask... you may actually find out if she really does feel bad about her actions.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She had her chance to break it off the first time 'caught'.
She never grabbed the saving rope that she was given by her husband
She kept at it, and drowned in her lust for and with this POSOM.

Her feelings for the other man are the stronger. 
Her family took a back seat to her needs and desires.

This is why she should be tossed and divorced.
This, and her actions are too stark and (in your face) to ignore, and to tolerate.

A man's pride must count for something......


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You have received some good advice here.
The only thing that I would stress to you is that you need to change the narrative.
Right now, you are on defense and she is on offense and is doing a pretty good job of working you.
Forget whether or not you want to stay with her or divorce her. You can decide that later.
To see what you have, you need to "Break" her, hit her hard in a manner she would not expect.
Your two best tools are a shark divorce attorney, and the 180.
File on her ass. Put the burden on her to "Save" your marriage, if that's what you want.
If she doesn't want to, you have saved yourself a whole lot of time and trouble. Let the attorney do his/her job.
You go about your life in a state of self improvement. Detach from her. Let her see this. This will probably drive her nuts.
Blow up her little world. Let her family, your family, your friends, her friends, Mrs. AP, etc. know what a cheating, conniving skank she is. Be ruthless.
If she approaches you about saving your marriage, tell her the cost of exploring that is a generous postnup, favorable to you.
Stop excusing her because of her hardships. We all have trials and tribulations. and many of us deal with those without cheating on our spouse. Yes, with all this, she had time to bang another guy. That should piss you off. Use that anger to your advantage.
This is all on her. She either gives you what you need to feel safe in the relationship and repair her damage, or she can hit the curb.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> he can check with an attorney about the laws in his area.
> 
> I would think if A cheating spouse really felt truly bad about the damage they’ve caused - that when requested to leave - they would knowing the betrayed spouse needs space.
> 
> there’s no reason not to ask... *you may actually find out if she really does feel bad about her actions.*


The thing is...

Feeling bad often is overshadowed about feeling good about the affair, and having strong feelings for the affair partner.

This is popularly, properly, and aptly called _"The Fog"._

While few are 'truly' immune to this, most married people resist it, some do not.

.....................................................

Love conquers all, and can destroy those who misuse and abuse it.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Anybody else's sword turning blue?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

skerzoid said:


> Anybody else's sword turning blue?


From the get go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

skerzoid said:


> Anybody else's sword turning blue?


Blue, is that from some movie?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> From the get go.


It feels like we are in Moria around here anymore.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

*"My wife has had a strong moral compass" *

I started reading here in November of 2017 along with other infidelity sites. There are a number of elements of infidelity that to this day I am as astounded as I was the first days of me reading about real life infidelity. I couldn't believe it was real, even though I'd been in it before. They are the power of lust and the tolerance of betrayed spouses. 

1) When moral compass is challenged by affair passion/lust, morality has an extremely good chance of losing by a significant margin, more often than I would have thought, which doesn't speak to well of today's society. Sometimes it's a blowout by the end of the first quarter. Honestly, this astounds me. I must have read four sentences a thousand times. They are: 

"I wouldn't have thought in one million years that she would cheat". 
"I can't believe my wife would look me dead in the eyes and lie to my face"
"She says, she's not seeing him anymore, and I believe her". 
My wife is having an emotional affair. 
If TAM ran a comprehensive survey to identify trends, these comments would be the central to giving insight on the emotional stranglehold infidelity has on wayward spouses, where their personal reputation and history is seemingly wiped clean and taken over by a higher power. I'm talking, pastors' wives (Pastors too), near perfect wives or husbands in great marriages, etc. Literally nothing surprised me anymore, but at the same time, it's still hard to believe. 

2) The betrayed spouse is so emotionally overpowered and stunned, they're willing to be with someone who doesn't want them and whose actions and words, dehumanize, disrespect, dishonor, and emasculate them. Despite all of this, the trauma (I believe) still has them wanting to reconcile. I'm not someone who's saying this who hasn't lived it. I've had to fiances' cheat on me, so I've been through the gauntlet. 

It's similar to wanting to be friends with the person who looks you in the eye, stabs you, and you saying, not only do I forgive you, but I want to continue being with you, even though I have to look in your hand each time we meet up to see if I'm going to get stabbed again. This defies any form of self respect and/or dignity. 

I'm not immune entirely however. It took me 6 weeks to realize my fiance was cheating. Despite the ghosting and her being buys and unavailable all the time, it never occurred that her cheating was even a possibility. 

This however is where I respond somewhat differently than many. Despite pending weddings, great future in-laws on both side, great chemistry, great social network, promising professional futures, and loving her with all my heart plus some,.......I WAS GONE. That was it. Nonetheless, i was initially stunned. Realized what was going on, ghosted both, remained no contact to rebuild my self-worth and forged forward to find upgrades.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

colingrant said:


> *"My wife has had a strong moral compass" *
> 
> I started reading here in November of 2017 along with other infidelity sites. There are a number of elements of infidelity that to this day I am as astounded as I was the first days of me reading about real life infidelity. I couldn't believe it was real, even though I'd been in it before. They are the power of lust and the tolerance of betrayed spouses.
> 
> ...


Cheating has been going on since the beginning of time.
Mankind's time.

Some era's tolerated this behavior, however, most male-dominated one's did not. 

Males in the past were often given a 'pass' for cheating on their spouse, the ladies were not.
Not, ever.

Yes, in some Bohemian societies, it was expected and a blind eye was given to all dalliances, by both sexes.

Some parts of Europe are this way, today.

As far as the plots and the wording and the descriptions offered, there is not much that could be said otherwise.

Lust and love are powerful forces. 
We all want to be desired, and we want to lavish our desires on others.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, so sorry you are here. Unfortunately WW is sorry as well as she was caught. 
Can I ask why the about face, she was so out of the marriage left you and your child yet, when challenged she back in the marriage looking for NC and IC for to get across your betrayal to her.
Please look into legal advice as well as getting STD and STI checks for both you and her. This should be a priority. 
Is WW going NC with the OM and resign from her job as this was a work place affair? If you inform HR, it could lead to her termination and that could have a effect on any court awarded alimony if you decide to D.
As you emotions will rise and fall, make no long term relationship decisions upfront. Start the 180 now, look after your child this is your top priority, 
If you can exercise, drink water, expose her actions to all. 
One day at a time.
Buffer


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My take is that lots of people are done with their marriage for whatever reasons, fighting, the posters non-monogamous or general non-loyal behavior that we often find out about after the initial post, general boredom, but their "Moral Compass" doesn't let them divorce or even talk about the fact that they are unhappy enough to want to divorce. The situation has been going on for years and then boom someone shows up that excites them emotionally and they never realized that they only had a strong moral compass because it was easy. 

I mean look how the general standards of morality change over very few years. A good example is porn. When I was a kid people were protesting playboy, now porn is a standard part of our lives and a click away. Lot's of people think of morals like they think of baseball teams they root for. It's something they do culturally but it's not like they are going to allow that to make the uncomfortable. Besides they just met their Shmoopy. (If you don't know what I am referring to here you are missing out.)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems......

No, it is a fact...

Our waist-lines rule.

From that place, namely, the belly, the balls, the bats, and the vagina rule the day.

From that area, 'most' pleasures are made and met.

Those are the carnal pleasures, and they lead many to carnival lives.

These actions, while not 'wrong' biologically, they do give fits to all who try to manage and restrain those carnal desires.

In the end, the fuel that powers these organs, the hormones, we are at their mercy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Blue, is that from some movie?


The Hobbit stories by J.R.R. Tolkien.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The Hobbit stories by J.R.R. Tolkien.


Yeah, I sorta' member' dat...

I was thinking that it arose from a lack of blood flow to the sword, with it then losing its power, and no longer rising to the task at hand.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

No where in your options did you list get a lawyer. That should be your first option.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mister_Smith said:


> Promise myself not to do anything vindictive (I very badly want to confront this A-Hole for knowlingly starting a relationship with a married woman)


Yes, it's HIS fault your wife refuses to show you the* respect *you deserve. It's HIS fault your wife *chose* to cross the line, it's HIS fault she's let your marriage and her son go by the wayside while she's been too busy investing in him, and it's HIS fault she seemed to have no problem lying to your face day in and day out to hide her affair - and all without so much as batting an eye.

She's really a *victim*, right? A victim of this mean, nasty man who MADE her do everything she chose to do. 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, you have the feel of a person who wants to hear what he wants to hear, rather than someone who desires to hear what he NEEDS to hear.

Do NOT allow fear to cause you to avoid truth.

That said, you likely do not have the truth from your wayward wife. After all, if she is as you say regarding sex, she is in love with a man who isn't you. This rabbit hole goes deep. Only you can know if you are willing to go deep into it to understand what you are actually trying to forgive.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. 

What does that mean? Your default position should be divorce unless she is willing to move heaven and earth to save the marriage. If she isn't, anything you do to save the marriage is an exercise in futility. 

Sorry you are here. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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