# She can't stand me.... I dont even know how to leave



## TheLoneRanger

Hi,

New member here, and at this point, I'll take any help offered, or a blueprint on how to get the hell-out.

I have known/dated my wife for a lil less than 10 years and been married a little over four. We have a three year old daughter who is God's gift to us both. I'm sure this sounds like quite the perfect picture. It is anything but.

My family has never really liked my wife, and they always found her snooty and "high-maintenance". They are right. They tolerated her and accepted her, even though she is pretty much a ***** to them every chance she gets (and rags about me and my family to her sisters on the phone every day).

Long story short, my wife has absolutely no respect for me. She talks down to me in a very angry voice, yells out commands if/when she wants something done. Whenever I offer help of any kind, she makes very rude/condescending/sarcastic remarks like "if I wanted help, I'd ask!" or "no thank you, you will do it like the slob you are" (Dishes, for instance).

Whenever I try to tell her "I don't appreciate how you talk to me" she respond with "I'm a b-tch, deal with it" even though she talks to nobody else like this.

She is very mean to me and to call this verbal/physical abuse would be a far understatement. She has been doing this for at least 3-4 years, and now it is at its worst point ever. I do everything I can for my wife. I work 50 hours a week and have a great job with great income, I spend every other minute of my life in further education to better my family life for them or with her and our daughter at a park or something.

She constantly calls me abusive names like “fat ugly pig” or “worthless selfish a—hole” even though I give every penny and minute of my life to this family.

Since the day our baby was born, I have done at least 70% of the diaper duty and more than 90% of the nightly bathing etc. My wife does all the cooking/cleaning, I'm not even allowed in the kitchen, or it's a fight!

I have never been to a strip club, nor would you ever find me in one. I'm 28 years old, in great physical shape. I don't play any video games and I am the last thing from somebody you would call "lazy".

Also, she has got to be the most OCD person I have ever met. If a towel isn't folded exactly perfect, or if there is one cookie crumb on the carpet she blows up and makes very rude and condescending comments like "THIS is what happens when you marry a three old. This is what happens when are married to a fat, gross slob” (I'm clean and in the best shape of my life )

The other major complain and the number 1 broken part of our marriage is her complete unwilling attitude to talk to me (productively). She won’t talk to me about good days/bad days/happy days/anything. I try to talk to her when I'm happy, when I'm sad and everything in between. She won’t give me 30 seconds of her time. Whenever I try to talk to her about "problems" I perceive (like the ship wreck marriage we have) she mocks me like a grade-school bully and says a pretend-whinny-voice "ohhh poor baby, let me mother you like the baby you are..." or "Don't counsel me, this is my time to [read/watch tv/browse laptop...etc etc etc]". There is always an excuse. She will not talk to me.

It doesn't take rocket scientist for anybody to realize that this woman has not a care in the world for me, and I'm sure everybody reading this is telling me to RUN from this marriage. Well, I'm begging somebody to help me figure out how.

Initially, when people meet her, (friends, mom etc) they never believed me when I told them about how she treats me. Then I forward actual emails/texts and they realize and see it for themselves. Couple of months ago, I was on the phone with my mom, and my wife went off bananas about something little like always, and my mom heard it over the phone and couldn't believe 1) that my wife talks to me like that 2) how coy I was in terms of how deaf I was to it because its normal everyday behavior. It was then my mom truly realized and told me to RUN.

This woman's complete lack of respect for me is so bad, that I have to constantly correct my three year old daughter when she too starts treating me the same. The problem is, I simply do not know how to leave this woman for a few reasons, of which I will admit 10000000% and have no shame. Here they are:
1) I want the world to know 100% that this marriage failure is not because of me (i never cheated/never have/never will)
2) I do not want her to spoil my daughters brain throughout life saying stuff like "daddy abandoned us" etc etc etc.
3) I am afraid of being alone. If i said anything else, I'd be lying through my teeth. There. I admit it and not ashamed.
4) I have no clue how to leave, when this woman is financially dependent on me. I am not going to "throw her out"

I do want to point out a few things: I have never been physically/emotionally/verbally abusive to my wife, she acknowledges this. I have never ever called her the childish names that she constantly attacks me with. I have ONE woman's phone number in my phone, and she happens to be a ***** friend of mine from work. Otherwise, I'm the most faithful man alive.

This friend of mine at work tells me all the time how she thinks I am one of the greatest guys she knows, and cannot believe the treatment I get from my wife.

My wife's sister is married to a true definition of garbage. Her husband does not work, and has no intentions on doing so. He does not even lift a finger to help raise their two kids. I constantly remind my wife about her sister's marriage whenever she goes off on me. All she responds with in a snide way is "if I wanted someone like him, I'd marry someone like him".

A couple of years ago, I took us to a neutral counselor and after one session, the counselor basically had to correct my wife on the spot because of the audacity my wife admitted how she talks to me. Since then, my wife won’t even think about going to a counselor, even of her picking.

So, I am done for now, otherwise I could ramble on for days about how abused I am.

At this point, I am not treated even remotely close to anything that I would consider acceptable to myself, and even if my wife changed a hundred things, she would still be "too horrible" to/for me. I just want out. She won’t even sit for 30 seconds and hear me out about me asking for a divorce. She won’t.

What do I do?

Please help.


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## DanF

First, you tell her that you're tired of her crap and will not tolerate it any longer.
Then you file for divorce and seek full custody of your child.
Then you tell her that if she verbally abuses you again, you're going to call the cops for DV.

You are a doormat and she thinks that she is entitled to treat people like crap.


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## TheLoneRanger

DanF said:


> First, you tell her that you're tired of her crap and will not tolerate it any longer....


If I even opened my mouth to say this, she would interrupt me half way through it and say "good, you know where the door is"

That is what I would get.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

TheLoneRanger said:


> "good, you know where the door is"


use it


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## TheLoneRanger

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> use it


Just leave her like that? high and dry?

She wont financially survive without me. She makes enough, but manages it very poorly.

I am so stressed out, I look/feel like I'm 40+.


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## keko

TheLoneRanger said:


> Just leave her like that? high and dry?
> 
> She wont financially survive without me. She makes enough, but manages it very poorly.
> 
> I am so stressed out, I look/feel like I'm 40+.


That would be her problem, stop caring about someone who treats you like ****. Start worrying more about yourself and your child.

+1 as DanF said. RUN.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

theloneranger said:


> just leave her like that? High and dry?


just. Like. That.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

TheLoneRanger said:


> She wont financially survive without me. She makes enough, but manages it very poorly.


thats her problem


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## misticli

TheLoneRanger said:


> Just leave her like that? high and dry?
> 
> She wont financially survive without me. She makes enough, but manages it very poorly.
> 
> I am so stressed out, I look/feel like I'm 40+.



I agree. Stand up to hear, leave for a hotel for a few days where she cannot find you. She cannot treat you like this.

You treat people how to treat you, you had indicated she is not a b**ch with other people, just you. Why do you think that is? because you put up with it. 

Believe me when I say this, I have had an imbalance and put my husband through a lot, not as bad as this, but he stood up to me and it made all the difference for me to recognize how off I was behaving. It saved us and make us closer than ever.

When she is telling you know where the door is, take her up on her bluff.

There is something to be said for being "to perfect". As much as women claim that is what they want its not usually true. Freaking out about a towel or crumbs on the floor is a total power move on her part, pull your strings and see if you will jump. Stop jumping and trying to be to perfect, it puts you in a submissive role to her that is not attractive.


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## TBT

TheLoneRanger said:


> If I even opened my mouth to say this, she would interrupt me half way through it and say "good, you know where the door is"
> 
> That is what I would get.


So you would rather be her whipping boy without taking any action?You said your young daughter is already mimicking her behavior.That's not only because your wife does it but because she sees you condone it without negative consequences.

Your wife seems to be a self-centered bully who needs to be rocked back on her toes.Divorce papers,in black and white,would be a good start.jmo


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## isla~mama

The worst thing you could do is "leave for a hotel for a few days" because she can then claim you abandoned the home/ were sleeping with hookers/ etc. The first thing you should do is consult a highly recommended family law attorney without her knowledge and ask him or her what to do next. Save anything abusive she puts in writing (texts etc).


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## sisters359

I'm sorry-you married someone with a serious personality disorder or other mental illness.

Don't leave--just file the papers for a divorce/legal separation. Let a lawyer handle all her b.s. that will come when she realizes you have finally stood up to her.

I'd encourage you to record (secretly, if permissible in your state) some of the interactions so you can protect yourself agains any crazy accusations she comes up with. Do that before you file, and be sure to have the recorder running when she is served or first sees you after she is served. I bet you will get a tapeful then. 

I think it is really important to have a record of her verbal abuse for custody matters. Courts will usually prefer to give 50/50 custody, but if she is going to turn your child against you, they may consider giving you full custody.

It's awful for your daughter to have to hear mommy running down daddy, but it will also be traumatic for her to have to lose mommy (I assume you'd push for supervised visits b/c otherwise, your w could continue poisoning your daughter or cause other emotional damage). Get your daughter into counseling and keep her there for a few years; she will need it. She can come out of this ok, but she will experience the transition away from her mother as abandonment. Not much can be done about that, and it is wrong to think that a child will be ok b/c they are with the other parent. It doesn't happen like that, unfortunately. The point is to be proactive about her experience of the dramatic change in her life. 

Be careful--a woman like this will likely use everything and anything against you.

When you file, you can (in some states) have a preliminary order dictating custody and finances. The two are connected b/c the parent who earns more usually has to pay something toward child support even in 50/50 cases to make sure the child's standard of living doesn't change too dramatically while living with the lower-earning parent. If you are granted full custody and placement, your w will owe you money for child support, although the court may grant her $$ for spousal support. The state does not want either her or the child becomeing a burden on tax payers. And remember that spousal support is usually limited to a few years except in longer term marriages where one partner has been a SAH parent and can never catch up career-wise because of the long absence from the work place. Doesn't sound like you will have to pay too much unless there is a dramatic difference in how much each of you earns. But it will be worth every penny NOT to be living with her. 

Good luck; let us know how it goes.


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## Complexity

Get a Voice Activated Recorder and tape all the verbal abuse she dishes. Might come very handy in divorce proceedings.

Like others have said, you really need to man up and leave her. If you went into marriage expecting to be abused for the rest of your life then go ahead stay, but think of the example you're setting for your daughter if she ever ended up with a male equivalent of your wife. You don't need to have a talk about it, just have her served. That should be a sobering jolt of reality.


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## TheLoneRanger

This is all very real, awakening feedback. It hurts to hear, but it is exactly what I wanted to hear.

The worst part of all of this is, I haven't even scratched the surface of the tip of the iceberg in terms of "other stuff that has happened."

This is been going on so long, and I'm such an idiot for letting it string out this long. A couple of months ago I ran into an old friend I haven't seen in over 5 years, and she told me "I'm so sorry about everything she put you through .... you went through a lot" - My friend said this recently, but referencing the time she knew me five years ago, NOT EVEN ANYTHING RECENT.

Let me ask this..... How do I handle those troughs when I feel really low/sorry/sad for myself (that is, after i leave her)?

Because she sniffs that kind of stuff out and plays on my weakness like "she can't live without met.." etc...

I appreciate the help, feel like I owe a co-pay...


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## that_girl

She is going to keep verbally punching you until you stand up for yourself and make her respect you.


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## Complexity

TheLoneRanger said:


> This is all very real, awakening feedback. It hurts to hear, but it is exactly what I wanted to hear.
> 
> The worst part of all of this is, I haven't even scratched the surface of the tip of the iceberg in terms of "other stuff that has happened."
> 
> This is been going on so long, and I'm such an idiot for letting it string out this long. A couple of months ago I ran into an old friend I haven't seen in over 5 years, and she told me "I'm so sorry about everything she put you through .... you went through a lot" - My friend said this recently, but referencing the time she knew me five years ago, NOT EVEN ANYTHING RECENT.
> 
> Let me ask this..... How do I handle those troughs when I feel really low/sorry/sad for myself (that is, after i leave her)?
> 
> Because she sniffs that kind of stuff out and plays on my weakness like "she can't live without met.." etc...
> 
> I appreciate the help, feel like I owe a co-pay...


I think you may have co dependency issues

Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## alone_not_lonely

If you have to realise anything, file for your daughter. Kids are smart. Your wife can say all the 'daddy abandoned us' that she wants, and she probably will. Women who behave in that manner are eventually seen for who they are.Your daughter will realise what a poisonous vindictive woman her mother is, and will eventually understand. Take the high road, never say anything negative about your wife to your daughter and focus on carving out the best life you can for you and the little one.
It is easier said than done, for sure. But never put your daughter in a position where she feels like she is in the middle.
She is abusive and downright nasty. Don't let your daughter grow up in a household where she learns that kind of behaviour is acceptable.
As for your wife and her management of money... not your problem.
Do this for your own sanity and your daughter's.


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## cdavis

You don't list a country or state so all advise may not apply to you, but in many states advise on thread is way off. Generally leaving is bad "abandonment", if you are not financially supporting her after you leave there is usually a stronger "abandonment" claim. Go see an attorney, the consultations are free or low cost. Start a journal detailing her actions and your routine with kid. Recording is probably not a bad idea (legality varies in different states). Don't physically touch her but stop putting up with her crap. Worst case is she get mad and she leaves, which would be good for you.


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## warlock07

I wish I could shake some sense into you. Put your wife in her place. She is a verbal abuser of the highest order. Go meet a Individual counselor. talk to friends that you trust. Take their advice. You need to remedy this situation immediately.


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## pinklily3

I have to say, her behavoir is disgusting, and honestly, maybe she needs some help. You say she's OCD, but if you really think that, she can go to a doctor, they can prescribe medications and therapies and help with that which from my understanding would maybe help with some of the way she treats you. You as a human being, man/woman/whatever do not deserve to be treated this way by anyone. You do not deserve to be put down at every turn, to be made to feel like a pieces of garbage, or that your opinions are not relevant. If you haven't yet (which I doubt) you need to tell her how it is, if she won't listen, write it down. I'm serious, type it up and save it and print multiple copies because my guess is she'll rip it up the first time. The point in doing this, in my mind, is that she can't argue with a piece of paper, she can't change your words around on you if they're on paper in ink, and even if she rips it up, you know you made an effort to tell her things she probably does not want to hear, because she does not want to acknowledge that side of herself. If you can get her to listen and she just keeps sitting there being childish and calling you names, well I think that's your answer right there, get out. 

My parents divorced when I was 7 and while there are a million people out there who will tell you it's terrible for a child, for me it wasn't so bad. It was better than barricading myself in my room (literally pushing the dresser in front of the door) and hiding under my bed so I could pretend they weren't fighting. I adjusted and I grew to know and love both my parents in ways that I don't think I would have if they'd stayed together. I think it was the best outcome for them. That being said, my older sister (11 when they divorced) will speak of the divorce as if it was a plague and to the day blames my mother for the split. So that's a dose of reality for you. However, you said your daughter was very young and personally I would hope she would adapt, before the age of 5 the brains learns most, and it maybe not be 'normal' but if your wife acts like this, it can't be good for a little girl, and I think you should go for full/main custody, because it sounds like you really care for your daughter.

And as to worrying about leaving your wife penniless, I can sympathize that it might scare her at first and that may result in more anger, she has every capability of getting a job to support herself, and since she has such ties with her family she can depends on them until she's fully on her feet. Honestly I would forsee her using this as an excuse to get as much alimony and child-support as she could out of you, so be careful. But I think that the best thing for you as an indiviual is to remove yourself from the situation, if she is unwilling to change her behavoir, she does not deserve someone as good as you. I'm sorry if this hurts, but that is my honest opinion.


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## pinklily3

And as for feelings of not being able to handle this, (cause I saw that post after my first post) my recommendation is counselling. It doesn't mean you're crazy and trust me, it does work if you're open to it. I have done some wacky things with my therapist but she was always there when I needed an ear, always had shoulder when I needed to cry, and she knew just what to say to build myself back up. What I started with about a year ago is an excersise called 'affirmations.' They are basically positive statements about yourself, and you just read them or say them, and you cant use it in the negative, i.e. "I will not let her control me" because the way our brains work your brain will remember "I will let her control me". I know therapy sounds weird but don't knock it until you've tried it. These affirmations have helped me get past cutting myself and being suicidal and have boosted my confidence to where it is now.


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## helpmate

Look up emotional vampires on youtube thts what you wife is


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