# I've given up



## Miss Mayhem (Apr 1, 2013)

I am an at home mother of two beautiful girls, i clean, cook, do homework & school projects. I'm the one who takes them to their Dr.s Appointments, school functions and have gone to their every progress meeting with teachers and staff in regards to their progress. I cook, clean and everything else in between.

I am only 33 and have been with my husband since i was 18. He was my first relationship and more than likely after this I will never want to get into another, being that my track record with men in my life hasn't been the most healthiest.

I've never, ever cheated on him or had an affair although, I can assure you, with what I am about to tell you..I would like to believe most women would have left him a long time ago.

Yesterday, it being Easter, it is suppose to be a time for cute Easter eggs and what not, not disastrous fighting.Yesterday I have finally stated I wanted a divorce.

Idk where to even begin to tell you how i feel right now or my reasons behind it.I guess i can start off saying that I am in a very emotionally abusive relationship.Although, he doesn't see it, no matter how many tears i have shed over the cruel words and things he has done.I know I'm not perfect, i know i have my down falls but when I say that I am going to try and do something, I generally give it my all. 

About three years ago I found a list of women's names on his yahoo list and thinking I am naive he stated they were "spam" bots. I have tried to explain to him that when someone requests to be on your yahoo messenger one has to accept it. If he knew it was spam bots then why accept it? There was no logic behind his excuses, but, after a huge debate and fight I gave in and forgave him.Gave him the benefit of a doubt.

But that isnt why i want the divorce.

I'm going to skip forward to the most pivotal moments of abuse despite the everyday names and picking on. It was my daughters seventh birthday,this past Jan. I am an avid jogger so at the time i sprained my ankle pretty bad, still. I cooked and cleaned while his parents and him languished in being served. I finally stated i was tired and wanted to go lay down. In front of his parents he told me not to be rude and to not be a ****.

Skipping forward again to Valentines day . I was surprised with a dollar bag of chips and a dollar tree balloon and a trip to the nearest dive bar. Never mind i didn't get anything for Christmas,or even my Birthday for almost two years. But in his eyes, I should be grateful.This is where i started to feel like it isn't worth it to me anymore, the lack of consideration, the lack of love, the lack of attention unless it's about something i did wrong. I started to grow from him , started to regain my own self worth and started to reanalyze my entire life. I started looking for work, and making friends whether it was online or even in public. Men and women. I even went as far as believing if i ever wanted another relationship, the man i was going to be with will appreciate me more than my husband. Appreciate my sense of humor without putting my ideas down and taking the time to really know me as i would want to know him in return. To indludge in each others company.


Last night he decided to make a comment which he knew hurts me, and in defense i snapped at him and he punched my car and yelled at me. I stood there and finally said it. I wanted a divorce.

He tried to convince me that isnt what i wanted,that he loves me and he will try harder. Mind you, I have heard these same words for years every time he does something to me,and of course he tries for a few days and then it goes back to misery, so i basically lost hope that he'd ever change and it was up to me if i wanted to live the rest of my life in hell. I stated calmly that actions speak so much louder than words, and that I was just done with the vicious cycles he places me in.I was finally done It doesnt just effect me, it effects my girls. My eldest tells me all the time she rather die than get married, because in her point of view marriage is a cold,heartless one sided partnership where the man treats you like ****.

He brought up my friends on my messenger and how if i wanted him to change, i needed to get rid of them. Hmmm. To me it sounds very hypocritical.I needed to stop coming onto my lap top when the kids are in bed and everything is done. I cannot do my digital paintings anymore and that if i wanted him to "treat" me better i needed to sacrifice more. I put my foot down and said no. Most of the people i talk to , i have been talking to for a decade. One of my best friends is on my messenger and that is one of my biggest anchors of support. I wasnt willing to give up more of myself. I have given up my entire family. I have given up working. I have given up being happy. Up until this point I have done basically everything he asked of me.

Now he swears I'm having an affair and this argument has been going on for about two weeks now.But lest not forget, he had all these bimbos on his yahoo and i never once held it over his head. I'm the type., when i forgive...i forgive unconditionally. So I really thought that was unfair and ridiculous of him to accuse me for an entire couple of week.

Finally my house hold calmed down, i went to bed and he was beside me with his back turned to me, and then i guess he hadn't had enough because he started in on me again disturbing my sleep, not considering i am the one who gets up at 6 in the morning every day, rain or shine, sick or not , to take our girls to school. I actually left @ 12:30 in the night to avoid any further conflict and fighting. I went to a park and just sat there exhausted and the entire time i wondered why in the hell i should even go back. There was nothing there but hell. All i wanted to do was get my girls and leave.

Finally after a few hours, i went home and slept on the couch. He never got up from the bed mind you, to check up on me. This morning i slept in, my kids missed school . I have laundry starring back at me from across my bedroom, and my kids are still in their p.js. It's almost 2 in the afternoon and all i want to do is go back to sleep.

I have nothing left to give to the marriage especially when i never ever ever get anything back. I guess I'm writing this to help me sort through my own thoughts, and anger that I allowed him to do this to me for so long. 

I just keep telling myself that me and my kids will be ok.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

It's a difficult position to be in but at least you recognize you have leverage. I believe in people and if there is no affair I can see this as the start of a better life with or without your husband. Being tired of it doesn't mean things can't get better, and just because it can get better doesn't mean it will. You have leverage in that you and he know now you can leave and deal with the fallout.

But if there is an affair... If you live in a no fault state... If you don't fear for your safety... Don't be afraid of the truth. Your support network will be more supportive if they know the truth.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

So sorry you are going through this, truly am.

Glad to hear you are starting to take your life back, that's awesome.

A bit of tough advice, here, sorry.

He made some mistakes in the past, you forgave him.
You have started to regain your self esteem, work on yourself, getting a support network. 

Some of the things he said about messenger, etc are valid.
He wants your attention, and some effort.

It's not fair to say he did it years ago, so now you are allowed to do it back to him. It's a resentment cycle.

That said...what do you do?
Well, if you are working on your relationship, then you make time to spend together to do that. You figure out how he helps at home a bit, you go out for date nights, you spend time together talking.

If you are not working on your relationship, it's fair to let him know that. You each do your own thing, and no one gets angry about being ignored.

If he doesn't know that you have checked out, and aren't coming back.. he kinda does have a right to question what you are doing.

But no, don't punish him if you have forgiven him.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

OMG! Your situation sounds just like mine!


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't think you have cause to divorce this man. You sound angry and upset, but with no real substance behind being angry. For example, you point to 'dive bar' as a reason to be angry. That's just not fair imo. He may believe the place has character or that you would enjoy it. Your perception regarding this messenger thing is also severely distorted. If you needed to 'forgive him' for doing exactly what you are doing, why would you feel entitled to do it?


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## Miss Mayhem (Apr 1, 2013)

wilderness said:


> I don't think you have cause to divorce this man. You sound angry and upset, but with no real substance behind being angry. For example, you point to 'dive bar' as a reason to be angry. That's just not fair imo. He may believe the place has character or that you would enjoy it. Your perception regarding this messenger thing is also severely distorted. If you needed to 'forgive him' for doing exactly what you are doing, why would you feel entitled to do it?


There are things in this marriage that has happened that I didn;t even speak about. I think i have given my all to this man who has given me nothing but grief and inconsideration.

I'll give you a little story about, when my daughter was born. I almost lost her, and my life. It was an emergency c section and lets just say I was suppose to be in bed rest for two weeks. I even went into shock during the c section because i felt "everything". Now. Three days later i'm still in the hospital on oxygen .. he promises that he'd help me, because we have another child who was five at the time with special needs...Against my dr.s orders they pulled out my staples very very carefully. I believed that my husband would be there for me, although he has proven me wrong so many times before. Times that I desperately needed.

We live in a two story condo. The night i cam home, he didnt even help me climb the stairs. It took me at least a half hour to get to our room where i can finally lay down. If you ever had your stomacher area sliced open and your insistence moved around, doing simple things such as getting up is extremely painful. I was left in bed by myself with a new born and another child who needed my full attention so he can go to the bar.

If this isn't just one reason to divorce him and just live happily... I can give you about eight other examples that are similar to this one.

I am not having an affair, at all..and have been faithful to this man for ten years. My messenger was nothing but spam, but if i forgave him knowing he had multiple broads on his yahoo, finding women's underwear in my laundry and phone numbers in his pockets,, i think it might be in good nature to not hold a simple spam mail over my head.


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## Miss Mayhem (Apr 1, 2013)

deejov said:


> So sorry you are going through this, truly am.
> 
> Glad to hear you are starting to take your life back, that's awesome.
> 
> ...



Please look at my newest post. It's not just the messenger. It is the lack of complete respect and consideration he has shown me through out our marriage.He knows I have checked ou. I'm done. I have other things to worry about. I have been called a c-u-n-t on my childs birthday in front of his parents and my kids. My weight has been an issue even though im not heavy at all and he points it out every time im around him. I have been called a ***** in from of my girls. He isnt around when i need him. I am the responsible parent here when it comes to my children. I haven't gotten a single gift, birthday,mothers day, valentines day or Christmas in two years. When is enough...just that? Enough?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Well, thanks for getting back to us!
It's natural to want to find a place to vent about all this stuff.

And please note that I personally am not asking for reasons, validatonis, excuses, anything. You don't have to explain ANYTHING to me. 

Me, personally, just pointing out that I disagree. He does not know you are done. He wants to work on things, as you posted. 

_He brought up my friends on my messenger and how if i wanted him to change, i needed to get rid of them. Hmmm. To me it sounds very hypocritical.I needed to stop coming onto my lap top when the kids are in bed and everything is done. I cannot do my digital paintings anymore and that if i wanted him to "treat" me better i needed to sacrifice more. I put my foot down and said no. Most of the people i talk to , i have been talking to for a decade. One of my best friends is on my messenger and that is one of my biggest anchors of support. I wasnt willing to give up more of myself. I have given up my entire family. I have given up working. I have given up being happy. Up until this point I have done basically everything he asked of me._

You can leave, stay, divorce, whatever works best for you.

It's obvious you are quite angry, in general. Not the fault of the people who posted, trying to help you


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## Miss Mayhem (Apr 1, 2013)

deejov said:


> Well, thanks for getting back to us!
> It's natural to want to find a place to vent about all this stuff.
> 
> And please note that I personally am not asking for reasons, validatonis, excuses, anything. You don't have to explain ANYTHING to me.
> ...


  Angry? who says I am angry? It's natural to jump to conclusions . Especially when a person sees past the abuse another is going through and believes the one who is being abused should continue to work on things. Your advice is pretty scary imo .


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

What advice? I have no idea what you are talking about.

You got a bit reactive when another poster shared an opinion that it's not enough of a cause to leave the marriage.

So you shared more information. Yup, he probably is a scoundrel.
Like I said, you don't have to prove it to me. 

Your husband can be Mr. Wonderful.. and you can still choose to live him. Your choice. I have no judgements on that.

I do offer "judgements" on how a poster behaves. Because they are the ones that are here. And we only know their side of the story. 

So, if you are in an abusive situation, get out. Seek help. Your initial post does not convey someone who is in a "scary situation". Just someone who is mad and checked out. Living with someone who is probably cheating, etc.

What would my advice be? 
If you STATED you wanted to leave....
I got lots of things to say.


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## Miss Mayhem (Apr 1, 2013)

deejov said:


> What advice? I have no idea what you are talking about.
> 
> You got a bit reactive when another poster shared an opinion that it's not enough of a cause to leave the marriage.
> 
> ...


Of course you haven't seen anything abusive in my regards to my posts because you might have decided to not read the entire thing carefully. Please read my posts again carefully.A person doesn't have to be in a _scary situation_ to be abused, there are such things as emotional abuse and triggering. My concerns weren't just about the cheating hun, it was the disregard for respect and consideration and emotional abusive cycles. 

In my opinion i believe you are not reading my posts before you reply. So here, just to clear things up I'll go ahead and repost some of the things I mentioned in my past posts. I'll even quote them for you so you can see them a little more efficiently. 

Again who says I am mad, this is you jumping to conclusions again and I am only responding to you.



> It is the lack of complete respect and consideration he has shown me through out our marriage.He knows I have checked ou. I'm done. I have other things to worry about. I have been called a c-u-n-t on my childs birthday in front of his parents and my kids. My weight has been an issue even though im not heavy at all and he points it out every time im around him. I have been called a ***** in from of my girls. He isnt around when i need him. I am the responsible parent here when it comes to my children. I haven't gotten a single gift, birthday,mothers day, valentines day or Christmas in two years. When is enough...just that? Enough?


Another:



> I'll give you a little story about, when my daughter was born. I almost lost her, and my life. It was an emergency c section and lets just say I was suppose to be in bed rest for two weeks. I even went into shock during the c section because i felt "everything". Now. Three days later i'm still in the hospital on oxygen .. he promises that he'd help me, because we have another child who was five at the time with special needs...Against my dr.s orders they pulled out my staples very very carefully. I believed that my husband would be there for me, although he has proven me wrong so many times before. Times that I desperately needed.
> 
> We live in a two story condo. The night i cam home, he didnt even help me climb the stairs. It took me at least a half hour to get to our room where i can finally lay down. If you ever had your stomacher area sliced open and your insistence moved around, doing simple things such as getting up is extremely painful. I was left in bed by myself with a new born and another child who needed my full attention so he can go to the bar.


Hope this helps!!!!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

To be fair, I replied to your FIRST post. You added more stuff later.
Whatever. 

And if you read my posts, you don't have to convince me. He's a scoundrel.

However, my advice stands.
That doesn't give you the right to disrespect him, does it?
I'll tell you why....
You are probably a very caring person. His lack of respect and unacceptable behavior is affecting you... you are very close to cheating, don't think much of him, and you can't be very happy.

Take control of your life. Get a job, get your kids out, start over. Totally willing to help with that part.
Don't want to leave? There's help with turning that around. 
But it would have to start with you. That's the rotten part in the deal. 

His ability to be an azz should not turn you into one too. 
Don't you deserve better? 

I feel for you, I really do. Life must be really hard.


We all want to help, that's all.


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## Miss Mayhem (Apr 1, 2013)

deejov said:


> To be fair, I replied to your FIRST post. You added more stuff later.
> Whatever.
> 
> And if you read my posts, you don't have to convince me. He's a scoundrel.
> ...


Again..you are not reading my posts clearly..I am not having an affair as i have mentioned in most of my posts including my original one. Nor am I even close. But you are free to assume.

And to defend him ? Is a bit condescending don't you think and then to call me an azz? How am I offending him? By spending half of my entire life with someone like him and me trying to work on things while he is doing what he is doing? 

Dear lawd I hope you aren't one of those people who says a its a rape victims fault for wearing a short skirt.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yeah, we are not connecting.

I'm not defending him. I'm telling YOU that no matter what he has done to you, it does not give you the right to do the SAME things he did to you. That's what is coming across in your posts. That you are justified in doing WHATEVER you want. And he has no right to tell you what to do, or get angry. Maybe he doesn't. Once you are divorced, you can file charges for that. 

Yes, he is awful. He doesn't deserve you. But NO person deserves to allow themselves to SINK to someone else's level. 
I'm talking about YOU, not him. It would be a shame if that happened to you. 

There is a list of things he has done. Paints a good picture. 
You can assert some boundaries, make some changes in your life, but you can't change him or the past.

But... you can change tomorrow. 
Personally,I wouldn't stay with him. I'd get the heck outta dodge.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

You said you have given your marriage your "all". I’m curious as to what that entailed. When you knew you were starting to become unhappy enough to doubt you could stay in the marriage what did you do to give it your all? Did you communicate your unhappiness with him clearly and concisely? When he told you it was your issues did you still go to IC because maybe some of them were? Before seeking online friends or entertainment what did you do to try and help yourself grow that would help you become a stronger woman, mother and wife? No doubt your husband has no clue to your needs, and if you clearly made them known to him and he refused then yes he's a jerk. But if you always just forgave and rug swept everything without ever demanding any changes from him or your relationship as a whole then it’s just as much your fault also.


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