# Am I overreacting? Please help!



## move-N-on (Jan 26, 2012)

About a year ago my Husband had a brief emotional affair with an ex fling and 11 months later I'm still PISSED. 

Here's what happened:

We were under a tremendous amount of stress as a couple. We were both working full time, fighting to maintain our household financially and one of our kid's was having major behavioral issues at school and home. We were hardly seeing each other and when were able to talk it was only about the kids and our financial situation. 

I called him from work one day after we had had a big argument the nite before. I told him that I felt it was time for us to focus on our relationship again. I suggested a date nite and he agreed but was very distant. I was disappointing with his lack of enthusiasm but still encouraged.

Two days later when he was leaving the house to take one of our kids to a sports practice he picked up his laptop to take with him (which he had never done before). I asked him if he could leave it so I could use a program that he only had. He said fine but instead of just leaving it, he logged on and hastily started clicking around.

After he left I restored the session and found that he had reached out through a social media site to a woman that he had a fling with years before we met. In his message he asked her to send him her phone # at an email address that he had secretly created. I wasn't able to gain access into the email and see the actual messages but the computer history showed that they had exchanged several emails. 

When he came home I confronted him. He said that he had been feeling like I wasn't in love with him and would probably leave him and that the emails were innocent, just them "catching up" without any expectations of anything more. He also said that he created the secret email address because he didn't want me to see them and "think the wrong thing". I made him log in to the email but of course the messages were long gone. The worst thing is that I went through his call log and found that on the day that I called him from work to tell him I really wanted us to go on a date nite, he literally hung up with me and called HER! 

He told me that he had called her that one time to let her know that he didn't think they should continue communicating, but isn't calling more intimate than emailing?. I really don't know what to feel at this point. He has spent this whole year trying to make it up to me, but every time I think I'm over it, the anger comes back. 

Please tell me if I'm dragging this out. I mean, it only lasted a few days but what if I had not found out?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MNO
You have a right tobe mad but sooner or later you have to decide if you can forgive him and move on. If you feel you nipped his BS in the butt before he did anything really stupid and he has been remorseful then forgive him and work on your marriage.

HM64


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## 30Mom (Jan 21, 2012)

I've learned that you can't be angry forever, regardless of whatever it is. If you still love him and want to be with him, you have to give, provide, create an opportunity for him to make it up to you. It's kinda hard to reconcile with someone who is pretty hostile at every reconciliation attempt. It sounds to me like he is trying but you're just not accepting. 

After fights or arguments with my husband, I try to use my "Next time, I want you to..." statement so that he knows what I expect from him. For instance, I would say "Next time, I just want you to say sorry and that you'll never say/do that again." For me, it's about changing his future behavior and not about trying to change what happened in the past. In other words, I can't change what already happened but I can prevent it from happening again. I hope that helps.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I see that you write that you were both struggling.
So he had time to work on his future life while you were busting butt to keep both your heads above water in the present?
Then he said well he felt like you were distant and was sort of keeping his options open?
OK, I would focus more on the beginning...why when the going got tough you were on board and he was like, ohhhhhhh, this seems kind of iffy, instead of busting my butt, and working harder and me suggesting to my wife that we spend more time together cause I'm feeling like I miss her and want to see how she's feeling about me....oh that's too much work. Maybe I'll spend my time digging someone out of my past and then spending time with her just in case my wife doesn't work out...and since my wife is so busy, I'll invest in my future right now!

If you think he's lying but you can't reach a resolution to where you feel like he's telling the truth and not just something that might be plausible...then that is also an issue.

You should never dismiss anger. It's there to tell you something.

I don't get why a guy can get excused for going outside of a marriage and lying and hiding stuff because his wife was too busy taking care of working and the kids. He should be doing the same thing, and if he's feeling neglected, his voice works just as well as hers. He can be the one to suggest a date, line up a sitter.


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