# Did I do enough to save my marraige?



## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

quick facts: H and I met when I was 28, at the time I was a single mother of a 2 year old result of unprotected sex and a short relationship. H and I dated long distance and broke up after about 2 years. H and I reconnected in 2007, married in 2009 and separated in Aug 2012. Me never married before, his 1st marriage lasted 12 years. he divorced 1st wife when his daughter was 10. never married again. he had his 1st child at 17, had 2nd child with first wife, had third child with girlfriend who died of lupus and only found out he was dad of 3rd child when she passed away (3rd child was around 2yo when mother died of Lupus) he has poor relationship with child 1, and none with child 3. I married him and relocated out of my home state. first 3 months no job. No family, No friends No knowledge of my new state of residence. 

I feel like i married the wrong person. i feel that my latin culture has instilled in me to be a wife: definition---proud, confident, strong. Taking care of home, children and your spouse. To me this meant everything...not a slave, don't get me wrong, I just like to make sure my family has clean clothes and good food, a nice place to live and fun activities. that my spouse is taken care of in every way...no reason for seeking satisfaction elsewhere.

ok back to story, it seemed to me he didn't want me to be this kind of wife. just a companion. don't do his laundry, don't cook for him, don't show affection (hugs, kisses, etc). he just wanted a sex partner. as far as i am concerned thats pretty much what it felt like. as well as, these were his words, " I don't need you to do anything for me" " I can do these things myself". 

i am very strict about communication, if you leave the house tell someone that your leaving, don't wait till i call you to say, oh,,,i was going to call you. or if you know your scheduled to go to work, call me and let me know as soon as you know. i might want to sneak out of work and spend some time with you or may need to go over something before your gone. (his job, truck driver gone for several days at a time). 

i should have seen this coming. he prefers the life we had when we were dating long distance, only met every now and then several months apart and that was enough. peace and quite in his home after a day or two of rippen and running, no disturbance no extra people. that's my opinion. 

why did he want to get married?. to live exactly as he has been for the last 15 years? alone. we moved into his house, not a house of our own. I brought my things, some which he called junk and stated I didn't need. Honestly his stuff was ancient and some he inherited from his grandmother when she passed away 9 years ago. He made my daughter's new life a prison, she was 14 going on 15 at the time we married. 

Before our first anniversary, I found a pic of a girl in bra and panties in his phone, I found out later he had saved under photos not just a txt he forgot to erase. he had received it 2 weeks ago before I found it. before 2nd anniversary, ex stripper he would watch dance, before we married, called our home and had been texting him for some time. at one point I found txt stripper sent that read, "what, you can't get away from your wife?" and one that read, " why did you leave so soon after dropping off the money". and third women, was an ex he dated for 2 years before dating me. I found they had been txting for the whole time of our marriage, I was always under the impression it was his female cousin until I called and she and I spoke and she confirmed it. needless to say, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I had had enough. Also 2 throat chokes. one left marks on both my throat and arms. through out the marriage I was always given a half truth, omitted truth or out right lie. 

I sought therapy in year two. ended up seeing 2 marriage counselors, individual therapy and a pastor. see I was the problem, too needy, too loving, too concerned. so if I was the problem, I was going to fix me. In the end both counselors stated that the counseling came too late, and one even let me know that my husband has too many secrets and doesn't trust women. for the mental health of both my daughter and I it was time to go. I moved out and followed the instructions of the police and after much warfare, moved out permanently and sought legal council

I married in 2009, problems started before 2010, counseling started in late 2010, moved out in 2012 and the 28th of this month I can file for my divorce. 

At present I live in a comfortable town home, he in his house. we live45 minutes away from one another. My daughter, now 19 is away at college, she's in her 2nd year. (doing great) she was taken to counseling through all this but therapist said since I moved her out of the house during the fighting it helped. He was diagnosed with COPD and has had one severe asthma attack and 2 near misses. (all in the last year). neither he or I are in new relationships. I am also considering moving out of state to find better employment with higher pay. sometimes I worry that he will become sick or have an attack and no one will be around to help him..he lives on property that is not visited by any family, just one or two male cousins. (Country living). left a lot out, but feel free to ask questions.

did I do enough to save this marriage? should I hold off on filing?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you did more than enough. He sound firmly stuck in his life as it is and isn't open at all to changing.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He lies compulsively and is abusive, you did save your mental health and set an excellent example for your daughter by leaving.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I agree with Shaggy. File, and move on. Live your best life.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

File.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

You did too much for that marriage! Physical abuse and cheating, girl get out while you still can. 

Have you ever done individual counseling? You don't want to end up with another guy like this, and these kinds of patterns tend to repeat themselves unless you figure out why you were drawn to this kind of man and accepted this treatment for so long. 

Good luck to you in your new life!


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

Thanks to all who responded. your support is much appreciated. Had another talk with STBEXH on my clear decision that I'm not getting back together, he still after a year of discussions about what broke up this marriage, claims to not remember several events that I had confronted him on. the most important, lying. Needless to say he apologized for hurting me and said he only wanted to make me happy. I let him talk and finish his statement.....nothing, I felt nothing....My life will be what I make it.


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