# How to deal with GF daughter and the issues



## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

My GF and I live together and we have 5 children. None together.

I have twin 14 year old girls and a 17 year old son. She has a 14 year old boy and a 15 year old girl. Her daughter is the only one that lives with us full time

My 17 year old son has acted out very badly over the course of my divorce. He broke in our home and had a huge party not to long after we moved in together and has only been to the house 3 times since then. GF still resents him for the things that happend and it was ugly. Ive gotten over it but it took a while. That said our relationship has been severely strained and I dont see my son as often as I would like.

Meanwhile during that time we found out that her daughter had started having sex with boys. Not BOY, boys. Not boyfriends as she has never really had one. She just has decided the way to get attention is to be sexually active. She is very attractive and its easy for her to get, and of course the boys are willing.

Over the last year and a half there have been at least 7 boys we know of and usually 3-5 times with each boy. We have talked to we are blue in the face about it but we just found out last week, through my daughters, that it was happening over the summer more. She is a little spoiled and her mother does cater to her a bit, im sure over grief of the divorce. She will do what we believe is good for a while and as soon as she gets some freedom we find things out. I have discussed if not demanded birth control but that has not happened yet.

For the first time her father found out more of what has happened over the last 6 months. My GF had been keeping some of the instances from him for fear he will try and remove her from the home. Come to find out its been happening at his house also.

The deal is, after we went through this with her a couple of times, that if any of the children are putting themselves in danger (which I personally believe being permisucous is a dangerous situation) and another one of the children find out about it that they will go to an adult. My daughters did that and now my GF daughter is all pissed at me, at them, at her mom, everyone. Shes denying some of the things of course and lying, but there is to much evidence for it not to be true.

Ive tried hard to help, ive gotten all up in all the discussions and played mediator and given as much advice as I can. It has cause a lot of issues with her mother and I and truthfully I am reaching my end.

My GF says "you just cant give up because she continues to make mistakes" but I am getting to the point where I resent her daughter for causing the issues. She put not only herself in danger over the summer but my daughters also. The three of them get along very well but I am afraid some of these things are rubbing off on my daughters even though they seem to have pretty good heads on their shoulders. 

my frustration level has reached a maximum and these latest issues may be more than I want to cope with. That may be the biggest issue......I DONT WANT to deal with this anymoe. I have enough issues with my own kids and I am feeling the pressure of trying to deal with her daughter. I feel sick to my stomach writing this.

How do you move past these issues? Or do you make the decision to just move on? That seems cold but its where I am heading.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Your GF is right...you don't give up on a kid.

I am not sure how long you and your GF have been together but I get the sense that you have not decided you want to marry her or be with her for the rest of your life? You really shouldn't have moved in with kids under a "temporary" situation if that is the case.

If you are committed to the relationship, well you are committed to the relationship, and have to focus on the children, ALL of the children, and do the best that you can.

You are correct that your GF's daughter is a negative influence on your daughters. This would be true if all the children belonged to both you and your GF. This must be considered.

Your GF has every right to be upset with your son but the same rule of "you don't give up on a kid" applies to your son as well. The issues need to be worked out. Your relationship with your son is ultimately your business and you should be working on rebuilding it.

The first thing you need to decide is if your GF is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. If the answer is yes, you need to consider the potential damage being done to your daughters and decide from there. I can tell you this for certain, unless you and your GF can get on the same page about all the children, even if they aren't with you both full time, the stress and frustration isn't going anywhere.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Falene said:


> Your GF is right...you don't give up on a kid.
> 
> I am not sure how long you and your GF have been together but I get the sense that you have not decided you want to marry her or be with her for the rest of your life? You really shouldn't have moved in with kids under a "temporary" situation if that is the case.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input

I understand you don't give up. And your right, I don't know if I can see myself with her forever. At one time I thought I could. All of the issues have clouded this and as it stands right now I can't see a long term future. We have lost respect for each other through all the arguments and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

I underestimated how difficult meshing all the kids would be. Then as her daughter continues on this path my resentment has just continued to build. I don't think my GF does enough to try and stop it. She is scared to lock her down for fear she will rebel and then go live with her dad. I say so be it. She won't allow that to happen as she will look bad. She spends a tremendous amount of time trying to make sure she doesn't "look bad" to other people.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Do you financially support her... phone, cable, computer access? If so, lay down the rules to be followed and the consequences of not following them (which is no phone, cable or computer access).


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I am very sorry that what I have to say may sound judgemental and harsh. I assure you that it is not my intention. Unfortunately since we are talking about sexual behavior, it is an emotional topic. Please accept my apologies in advance if my words are hurtful.

Unfortunately you have set an example for all of the children living in this situation. You have by your choices and actions shown them that it is okay to have sex without marriage. Mom is having sex with her boyfriend, and dad is having sex with his girlfriend. In your mind that is different because you are older and more experienced. Telling them "wait until you are older and more mature" won't make any difference. They are teenagers. In their minds they feel mature and old enough to make these kinds of decisions. 

Your girlfriend is partly correct. She can never give up on her children. You can never give up on yours. I do not know what kind of agreement the two of you have or what you promised her when you moved in together. If you did not promise for better or worse or to adopt her children then she has no right not to expect you not to give up on them. That is the nature and difference between boyfriends and girlfriends versus husbands and wives. 

It is, however, your choice. You can either stay and take on that responsibility, or leave. Unfortunately, if you leave then you are also showing every child in the house that it is okay to move in with a girlfriend, enjoy the benefits of a marriage relationship without the commitment, and then leave when it gets rough because you don't have the commitment or the situation is no longer to your liking. All of the children will carry that example with them into every relationship they have in their lives.

In short, you have created a very tricky situation. I can not tell you what you should do, or even what the right thing to do might be. I have opinions, but you know what they say about opinions. Yours is the only one that matters. 

I can perhaps tell you what I might do as a parent in your shoes. I would put some serious thought into the best way to salvage this disaster. Unfortunately in my very humble opinion each of you is the parent of different children, and each of you must therefore look out for the best interests of your own children first. Even so, I would still try to consider the example that I am setting for all of the children, and what is best for all of them.

Without living in your shoes and knowing your commitment, I would probably choose to stay. I would not leave, but I would take steps to show my children that my commitment to my girlfriend is permanent (and hers is likewise, assuming that it actually is). I would make sure that my girlfriend and I show a common, united face to the children. I would not rush to marry, but I would probably at least get engaged to demonstrate my commitment and fortify my position. At least then I have some sort of high ground from which to address sexual behavior and teach my kids about commitment and how it relates to sex.

Then I would probably seek professional help in the form of a family councellor. I would not give up on any of the kids, but at that point for all practical purposes I'd be married. I would make sure I had a commitment from my girlfriend and a professional support system to lean on, and then I'd roll up my sleeves and do the hard work to finish raising these children.

Best of luck to you

Edited to add that it may not be obvious from what I wrote, so let me clarify that while my marriage comes first, my personal needs come after those of my kids. I would do what is right by them even if I were not happy with the situation. I don't expect everyone to share that opinion or mentality and don't judge those who don't. It's just me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The daughter NEEDS to be on birth control to prevent pregnancy at least....or at least attempt to prevent pregnancy. The fact that she's promiscuous and not on birth control is just waiting to be a grandparent....

Support each other, behind closed doors. But when decisions need to be made regarding each others kids, it's up to the mother and father of the child. 

However, if it's over YOUR space....then you are supposed to stick up for yourself. Your spouse is to have your back and enforce whatever consequence you both agree upon (behind closed doors)!


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