# 16 years gone



## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I have posted in the going through divorce about my situation so I won’t go into great detail. 

Married 16 years 2 kids and I found out my stbxw was / is having an affair with a co- worker who also is married with 2 kids and one on the way. It started at the first of April with some texts between them and with in a couple of days they were having sex. 

They would go to lunch and see each other right after work and even in her office. I found all this out through one of her friends. She asked for a D on the 27th of April. I had a feeling she was seeing some one so I confronted her and she looked me in the eyes and said she had to much respect for me to do anything like that. That she had been thinking about this for a couple of years. 

I didn’t think that was a good enough answer so I pulled the phone records and found that they had been texting a lot and calling each other. So I confronted her again on the 7th of may and told her you have one more chance to tell me the truth and she still denied it so I told her about the phone records and she said they were just friends. I grilled her for over an hour and when I told her I was going to his house to see his wife she said they had gone out and only kissed but I know th truth deep down. 

I asked her since I know now are you still going to see him and she started crying and said yes. So I kicked her out that night and she went to her friends house and told her everything and that friend has been relaying all of it to me and my stbxw doesn’t know that I know all that I do so I know when she is lying. We have talked a couple of times since but she will not answer any of my questions she deflects them or says I can not confirm nor deny that question or she says I don’t have an answer to that which makes me very angry.

So I served her with papers at the 1st of June.

She has never attempted to apologize or tell me any reason for her to have the affair. I had to talk to her yesterday about our youngest who is having issues with it all. I have him in IC and my lawyer told me to tell her what has been going on and the conversation moved to the D and I’m going for full custody and she wants joint but my son wants nothing to do with her and I told her if you can answer me one question I will sit down with you and your lawyer to negotiate.

I asked her what did he give you that I was not giving you and she would not answer me. I told her you owe me at least that and she actually agreed and to some other things but said it was not the tome nor the plac to discuss it. I don’t think it will matter if it’s now or later but she will not tell me. She says that she cares deeply and still loves me but not in that way. What ever. I know I need to go no contact but it is difficult with my son and the anger issues he is having. Hopefully IC will help him and me. I can not get my stbxw to see a counselor at all. 

I tried a couple of times before this all happened and she always said she didn’t need it. So I put in the papers that her and my son would have to go together to work on there problems but she denied that request and said he only needs time and after that if he needs it she will do it On her own time. Which just blows me away. She has put the last 16 years in the trash and is living it up with her moms money and not worrying about anything except we’re she is going to and who she is going to go out with that night. I know you all are going to torch me but any help would be great especially dealing with the kids.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am truly sorry you married a selfish woman...that said you need to get her statement on paper that she refuses to go to therapy with her son...this will demonstrate tot he court of her selfishness and possible lean to abandonment issues. also i would definitely get to the OM's wife and tell her everything as well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm sorry. You are really messing up. You are doing whatever you can at this point to satisfy your emotional needs to get this horrible nightmare over. I did it, too. You just want all this to go away. You want your wife to see the error in her horrible choices and choose to come home and love you. She couldn't even if she wanted to. She murdered the feelings she had for you when she gave them to that other man. I know that hurts to hear, but you need to know it. You need to stop hoping. You need to accept what has happened, so that you can move forward with your life.

Geez, I am not that far away from where you are now. I know the horror of waking up in the morning and having to relive the nightmare of it all. But Sir, if you will weather this storm like the man you know you can be, you will get through this.

ACCEPT that your wife is gone.
ACCEPT that there was NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. I've seen the same **** happen to men who from what all the ladies that knew him, and even his own cheating wife said, was a perfect husband. Your wife chose to develop feelings for another man. That was all her choice. Nothing about you made her do that. She chose it herself.

ACCEPT that you are getting a divorce and having to move on.

Once you gain acceptance, and only then, you will start feeling better.

I would carefully consider going to the doc and getting on some zoloft for a while. I only suggest it because I did. I'm not a pill popper nor do I ever consider pills to solve my problems. But that stuff helped me. It just took the edge off the sharp pain that crushed my chest from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I got off it in a couple of months.

Your life is not over. You still have a bright future. You just have to accept the change and move forward. If you waste energy trying to figure her out and try to get an apology from her, you will delay your growth and cause yourself more pain.

I'm sorry. You just have to accept it for what it is and move forward. Don't wallow in self pity or hope she'll change her mind, or get depressed. Just move forward.

I feel your pain. Terribly sorry.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Not torching you for anything! You got a crap sandwich hand delivered. Now, document everything. Go for full custody of your child. 

It is apparent your stxw is detached. Go full ahead on detaching yourself. 180. No communication other than D and what your child needs. 

At this juncture it really sucks. I can assure beyond a shadow of a doubt this will get better. You will find another. 

Keep the faith!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Nothing to torch you for here, you are actually doing pretty darn well. 

Yes, it's sucky, but you are pretty much doing what you need to be doing. 

Keep moving forward with the D and keep advocating for the best for your son. Keep moving forward with your own new life without her. 

The one thing I would urge you to do is inform the OM's wife as soon as humanly possible so that she can take care of herself and advocate for her best interests as well. She has a right to know so she can protect herself and her children as well. 

She may not believe you initially so have the proof available to present to her. 

And finally, I can tell you what the OM can give her that you can't - another d1(k. Another d1(k and attention and accolades from a different man. 

One of the things that will be a challenge for you is to realize this is not about you. It is about a deep flaw in her character and her unquenchable desire for attention and flattery. 

Trust nd have faith that she sucks and move on with your own life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.... and those 16 years aren't gone or wasted. They are 16 years of your life and are a part of you. 

Your marriage just didn't make it 17 years because she decided to blow it up for her own selfish reasons.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I have called the OM wife and left her a message and she texted back saying she will take care of her family and I should do the same. She also said to keep my stbxw away from her or she would beat the s... out of her but that was on may 8th and I know they were still seeing each as of may 28th so I’m not sure if he intercepted the message or not. I don’t know if I should wait until the temp order is set before I try and contact her again or not. Don’t really know what to do about that. Because I think they are still seeing each other especially at work. They are just keeping it on the DL for now till all this blows over. From what her friend told me she is willing to wait for him to make his decision if he is going to stay with his wife or to leave but everything has gotten very quiet recently.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> I have called the OM wife and left her a message and she texted back saying she will take care of her family and I should do the same. She also said to keep my stbxw away from her or she would beat the s... out of her but that was on may 8th and I know they were still seeing each as of may 28th so I’m not sure if he intercepted the message or not. I don’t know if I should wait until the temp order is set before I try and contact her again or not. Don’t really know what to do about that. Because I think they are still seeing each other especially at work. They are just keeping it on the DL for now till all this blows over. From what her friend told me she is willing to wait for him to make his decision if he is going to stay with his wife or to leave but everything has gotten very quiet recently.


Good job. You did what had to be done. Now back away and see to yourself. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising and getting some counseling. File for D and have her served. 

I'm sorry this happened to you, You did not deserve this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Skyborn99 said:


> I have called the OM wife and left her a message and she texted back saying she will take care of her family and I should do the same. She also said to keep my stbxw away from her or she would beat the s... out of her but that was on may 8th and I know they were still seeing each as of may 28th so I’m not sure if he intercepted the message or not. I don’t know if I should wait until the temp order is set before I try and contact her again or not. Don’t really know what to do about that. Because I think they are still seeing each other especially at work. They are just keeping it on the DL for now till all this blows over. From what her friend told me she is willing to wait for him to make his decision if he is going to stay with his wife or to leave but everything has gotten very quiet recently.


Nice! The OM W should know and you did the right thing. This crap lives in secrecy. As a side note, invest in a VAR. You may at one time have to talk in person with your stbxw. Have the VAR with you. Protect yourself. Keep records of everything.

I suspect what your stbxw is up to waiting around for OM is not going to turn out well for her.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Skyborn, you keep asking what other man did that you didn't do. You want your wife to explain it to you. The problem is, cheaters do something called "rewriting history." So when the cheaters explain why they did it, frequently they say things like "I haven't been happy in years" and "I never got over it when you forgot to bring home milk on your way home from work on May 6, 2009." I'm not even exaggerating. Meanwhile, just two months ago, the cheaters had been saying to their spouses, "I have never loved you as much as I do right now" and many other words and actions demonstrating how happy they were.

So what happens is, when you are married for a long time, many times, you stop "courting" your wife. She's OK with it, she's happy enough, and this is a natural evolution in a romantic relationship. Just like, for example, when your child is first born, the way you feel, the way you act, the things you do for the child, later evolves. Some of the feelings are still there, some fade a bit, some other feelings pop up. Maybe your son does something wrong and you are disappointed, are angry, discipline him, etc. This happens in all relationships, not just marriages or romantic relationships, things change and evolve, and a new relationship is much different than a long-term relationship.

So what happens frequently is other man shows some interest in your wife. Romantically or sexually. And it makes her feel good, in a way she hasn't felt with you since you first did it when you met and shortly thereafter. Probably it can't even happen that way with you anymore - you can't be "new" when you are not. And he is "new." It makes her feel "alive" like she hasn't since she was in high school, she had a "connection" like she never had before in her life, she feels "desired" (i.e., he is always horny and that is their only real conversation). How it started? They are "friends" at work, they talk about their personal lives, and your wife complains to him about you because you are not understanding of her needing to buy more shoes. How you did this or that to annoy her. How you never bring her flowers anymore. And of course this dude tells her that your wife deserves better, and he would never take her for granted like you obviously did. I don't know if that's how it happened with your wife and her boyfriend, but it is a common script for how it happens. Finally, if you think the affair is over, think again. It's only over in reality, not in your wife's head. Your wife and other man ended it, and will reevaluate in a few weeks. Your wife is thinking he will leave his wife for your wife. He likely will wait until his wife chills out and then he will be back at it.

If you are the main provider, who also helps out a lot at home, and a good father, many husbands thinks this is "love." Which it is. But after another dude is blowing smoke up your wife's butt, telling her many times a day how hot she is and how much he is "in love" with her -- what happens is that your wife falls "in love" with the feeling of being "in love" -- meaning infatuation, really. She think's she's "in love" with him, but really it's just the feelings she's getting, the dopamine of a new relationship. And with you, she feels like she "loves" you but is not "in love" with you. You are her best friend, her co-parent, her co-chorer at home - but she is the one she feels desire for. There is nothing wrong with the old toy, but she knows all the different ways the old toy works, and she wants to play with the new toy. The old toy did not make her happy, maybe the new toy will. What she is not bright enough, apparently, is that happiness comes from within. She will be she no matter who she is with.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You contacted the OM's wife and she responded that she will deal with it so you've done your part. Whatever happens now is up to them -- you're out of it (so don't be tempted to get back in it).


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I have called the OM wife and left her a message and she texted back saying she will take care of her family and I should do the same. She also said to keep my stbxw away from her or she would beat the s... out of her but that was on may 8th and I know they were still seeing each as of may 28th so I’m not sure if he intercepted the message or not. "
Sounds like he did intercept it. If you are going to, I would try to TALK or meet with her, not text. Too easy to intercept otherwise.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If she ever tried to give any sort of explanation it won't make sense, it never does and as outofretirement said you'll most likely will just get lame excuses and the forgetting milk analogy isn't far off the silliness you would hear.. 

You'll never get an apology and you'll never get the full story. My ex never admitted anything, when I told her the om told me what was going on, she said I made it up. When I told her I had pictures and a video and showed her she said it wasn't her and I photoshopped her into the pictures. When I asked why she was living with him, she denied that, you get the picture. ...

Your wife is running a fairytale in her head right now, she's gonna do or say anything to keep the story alive in her head. Accept your never going to get straight answers at this point. Sooner or later you'll get to that point as too many of us have already been down this road. Affair partners become "perfect", they do everything better in the heads of cheating spouses. It's hard but you need to divert your focus off potential what did I do, you didn't do anything to make her cheat. 

You've let the om wife know already, it's up to her to address this with her husband so unless she contacts you I wouldn't revisit discussing it with her.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> Skyborn, you keep asking what other man did that you didn't do. You want your wife to explain it to you. The problem is, cheaters do something called "rewriting history." So when the cheaters explain why they did it, frequently they say things like "I haven't been happy in years" and *"I never got over it when you forgot to bring home milk on your way home from work on May 6, 2009." *I'm not even exaggerating. Meanwhile, just two months ago, the cheaters had been saying to their spouses, "I have never loved you as much as I do right now" and many other words and actions demonstrating how happy they were.



My husband told me I always mess up pizzas for him. He likes plain cheese and I like toppings. Seriously he said that was one of the things that made him unhappy in the marriage. So yeah...they rewrite history big time when they have nothing else. They don't want to admit that they themselves are a pos so they try anything that sticks.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It's sad how cold a WW can get. I would be money that POS is future faking her, and her fogged up brain is thinking that OM will ride of into the sunset. 

I suspect that your message to OBS was intercepted and that text was from POS just to throw you off.

Right now you need to keep going forward with the D, get your kid in IC, and implement the 180 so you can detach from your STBXW. I know it's hard to let go of 16 years but she has detached, so you must do the same. 

Start working on yourself. Get busy with your life. Reconnect with some male friends. Hit the gym, HARD. Also for your own self, get your wardrobe, hair, beard, hygiene on point. When you like what you see in the mirror, it will give you the boost to keep going forward.

Don't communicate with her for anything but the kids . Let your lawyer deal with communicating the D details. No calling her up with questions. No trying to nice her, definitely no crying. If you're sad, keep it in and cry when she's not around. If you need to vent. Post on TAM. There will be many here with a LOT of experience to give advise or just a sympathetic ear.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Don't expect an explanation or an apology.

I never got one - until a few weeks ago. It was completely unexpected and 15 years overdue.


I forgave him many, many years ago... I told him that. 

It was a crisis situation with our son that brought him to apologizing. I thanked him - but it had no affect on me at this point - I was way past all that so long ago. For MY own happiness I had to let that go - knowing he wasn't the man I THOUGHT he WAS.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Skyborn99 said:


> I have called the OM wife and left her a message and she texted back saying she will take care of her family and I should do the same. She also said to keep my stbxw away from her or she would beat the s... out of her but that was on may 8th and I know they were still seeing each as of may 28th so I’m not sure if he intercepted the message or not. I don’t know if I should wait until the temp order is set before I try and contact her again or not. Don’t really know what to do about that. Because I think they are still seeing each other especially at work. They are just keeping it on the DL for now till all this blows over. From what her friend told me she is willing to wait for him to make his decision if he is going to stay with his wife or to leave but everything has gotten very quiet recently.


Here is how you make another attempt to ensure she knows without seeming stalkerish IMO.....

Send her a message (or better a certified letter that only she can sign for) telling her that you felt obliged to inform her, so she can better look after her family as she said before that you both should do, that you are D your WW and will no longer be taking any steps to monitor her behavior or interfere in the A......you decided you needed to inform her of this so she is aware that your WW is now a free actor to pursue her WH, and it is up to her now to decide how to deal with the A.

This allows you to make sure that OBS knows without seeming to be harassing her with the info (in case it really was her in that text)......and if there is a sudden explosion in A world and she reaches out to you in surprise, then you know that POSOM did indeed intercept the first message and send that reply trying to get you to stop attempting to inform his BW.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Thank you all for your input it is very appreciated. Dyokemm That is a very good idea thank you. I will definitely do that after the court date. As for now her friend has told me she is still seeing the AP and talking to him on secret aps and also now talking and going out with another guy from her work. This just blows me away how someone can throw everything away and just start seeing as many people as she can and she is on her phone talking to these guys while my son is with her because every time he comes home I ask him what they did and he always says watched a movie and mom was on her phone the whole time. It kills me that someone can do that to there famliy and just move on like nothing has happened. We have only been separated for barely a little more than a month and she is living the high life while I struggle with what has happened to me. I don’t know a lot of people and know hardly any women to even talk to because she got so jealous that I didn’t even try to talk to any one. It just sucks that the person that did all this doing great and I feel like sh$&$). Just had to vent a little bit.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I am sorry. I feel the pain for you.. I feel that she is so caught up in herself and reality of it all hasn’t hit her yet. Keep your head up stay strong and focus on those kids of yours.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Skyborn99 said:


> *It just sucks that the person that did all this doing great *and I feel like sh$&$). Just had to vent a little bit.


 Be secure in the knowledge that she is NOT doing great, she's just being a floozy and a crappy Mom. 
She will implode at some point, they almost always do. Stop worrying about it and focus on you and your son, she's not worth the wasted thoughts.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Skyborn99 said:


> This just blows me away how someone can throw everything away and just start seeing as many people as she can and she is on her phone talking to these guys while my son is with her because every time he comes home I ask him what they did and he always says watched a movie and mom was on her phone the whole time. It kills me that someone can do that to there famliy and just move on like nothing has happened. We have only been separated for barely a little more than a month and she is living the high life while I struggle with what has happened to me. I don’t know a lot of people and know hardly any women to even talk to because she got so jealous that I didn’t even try to talk to any one. It just sucks that the person that did all this doing great and I feel like sh$&$). Just had to vent a little bit.


This is because you are a decent person that was taking care of his family and being invested in the marriage while she was disengaging and seeking attention and kibbles elsewhere without bothering to send you the memo. 

Trust that she sucks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Skyborn99 said:


> Thank you all for your input it is very appreciated. Dyokemm That is a very good idea thank you. I will definitely do that after the court date. As for now her friend has told me she is still seeing the AP and talking to him on secret aps and also now talking and going out with another guy from her work. This just blows me away how someone can throw everything away and just start seeing as many people as she can and she is on her phone talking to these guys while my son is with her because every time he comes home I ask him what they did and he always says watched a movie and mom was on her phone the whole time. It kills me that someone can do that to there famliy and just move on like nothing has happened. We have only been separated for barely a little more than a month and she is living the high life while I struggle with what has happened to me. I don’t know a lot of people and know hardly any women to even talk to because she got so jealous that I didn’t even try to talk to any one. It just sucks that the person that did all this doing great and I feel like sh$&$). Just had to vent a little bit.


Maybe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Sky, everyone is right about not getting an honest answer from a walk away spouse as to why they left or cheated.

On another forum there is a thread titled "The crazy reasons why my spouse left me."

A husband said he divorced his W for serving "bagged salad." Another H said his W left time on the microwave oven and he got tired of clearing off the time when he wanted to use the microwave oven.

A woman said she couldn't have sex with her H because he was now a the father of her child. Men do this too, the W is now a mother and they don't want to F a mother. A few women didn't like the H's employment or he didn't earn enough money after working for 20 years.

I will say, people like attention and if the OM was giving your STBXW the right type of attention, that is ll some people need to think life would be great without you, and see you as the boat anchor.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

sokillme I think she does have a mental problem. For last year or so all she wanted to do was spend money on clothes and shoes and whatever she good get. Every week she would come home with new clothes and all she wanted to do was talk about taking trips or going somewhere. She would plan trips six months out. She even had one planned for this September to take a family cruise. She would spend money like it was water and we really didn’t have money like that. We would skip payments to go do the things she wanted to do or she would do these things and not even tell me so there would be nothing left in the bank account. I remember reading about a disorder that people will spend and buy things to make themselves feel better but I can’t remember what it was called. I tried a few times to go to a MC with me before all this happened but she always refused and said she doesn’t need anything like that. She has very deep issues that she needs to work on. Just wish she would of got help before this happened.


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## Ljwin (Nov 21, 2017)

Dude, so sorry this happening to you!

By the time it happens, you won’t care anymore. But be sure that their life will not be a bunch of roses. If she’s in the fantasy stage it’s all awesome and amazing and she’s got this new love like she’s never had before. Then, crash!! It’s all a pile of **** and you’ll likely still not mean much to her, hell she may even blame you for her life being so crappy, but hold strong. She must own her own choices.

Move forward in life for you, stay strong dude!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Skyborn99 said:


> sokillme I think she does have a mental problem. For last year or so all she wanted to do was spend money on clothes and shoes and whatever she good get. Every week she would come home with new clothes and all she wanted to do was talk about taking trips or going somewhere. She would plan trips six months out. She even had one planned for this September to take a family cruise. She would spend money like it was water and we really didn’t have money like that. We would skip payments to go do the things she wanted to do or she would do these things and not even tell me so there would be nothing left in the bank account. I remember reading about a disorder that people will spend and buy things to make themselves feel better but I can’t remember what it was called. I tried a few times to go to a MC with me before all this happened but she always refused and said she doesn’t need anything like that. She has very deep issues that she needs to work on. Just wish she would of got help before this happened.


Listen, you are looking at this all wrong. 

Right now, you are in shock, and you are trying to figure out what you did wrong, even if you don't say it. 

Look, you did nothing wrong, and just be glad that you have not lost 26 years instead of 16. 

You have to realize that she really has not changed much, you were too in love, you were too naïve to understand what you were looking at to start off with. I will bet if you did wrote more about your marriage that most of us would be able to find all the red flags that where there from the start. 

You can't understand some of this stuff unless you have lived it. And no one wants to live it. 

What you will find is that you will learn something from this that will allow you to find a better partner in the future. 

Next time when you see any red flags, you will know to run. And brother, I assure you that there are so many better women out there in the wild that, if you take your time you will find a great one...


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It is indeed crappy and you have gotten the short end of the stick.

Keep in mind though that you have to be strong for your child as he has no one else at the moment.

Yeah, your wife may snap out of it sometime and all that but for now, you need to be the rock.

If only for now, do what you can to be the best parent you can for your son and take as many steps - legally, etc. - that you can to protect your child.

Letting your wife go is a big step too.

Good luck.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

She gets under my skin so much now even when she texts. It’s like nails on a chalk board. Every time she ask a question it feels like it’s written by her lawyer and now she wants to know who and we’re I’m taking my son to for IC. I told her about the last session but she didn’t seem to care to much. Didn’t ask why or with who or anything now two days later she wants to know when the next one is. I’m hoping that the court date Tuesday goes my way and nothing crazy happens.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You are not obligated to answer ANY questions she asks.

Just ignore her.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Just got done seeing and talking to my stbxw. I had to meet her at the storage building we had to get some of my stuff out. She changed the code so I couldn’t get in with out her there. She asked that we talk about the divorce agreement and come to and decision on our son. I told her that I would not ask for full custody and that she wouldn’t have to pay child support if she would give me custodial rights to him. She said she would never sign that and that she would never give that up. I told her you all ready did with what you have done and where you moved to and you denying counseling with your son in the papers I sent you. She told me she never denied that but would donor on her time. I asked her if she would pay for half of the counseling and she said no that she could get 6 vists free but not to the one I am taking him too. I told her I’m not trying to keep him from you that I would do the joint if she would give me what I want but she said we will let the judge decide and said she would see me Tuesday for court and got in her car and drove off just like everything else she does. She runs away when she doesn’t get her way instead of talking it out. I see more and more of what she is truly like every time she doesn’t get her way and I’m glad I am getting out from under her. She has been smothering me for way to long. Just needed to get it off my chest thanks to TAM for being here to vent it helps a lot.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Skyborn99 said:


> Just got done seeing and talking to my stbxw. I had to meet her at the storage building we had to get some of my stuff out. She changed the code so I couldn’t get in with out her there. She asked that we talk about the divorce agreement and come to and decision on our son. I told her that I would not ask for full custody and that she wouldn’t have to pay child support if she would give me custodial rights to him. She said she would never sign that and that she would never give that up. I told her you all ready did with what you have done and where you moved to and you denying counseling with your son in the papers I sent you. She told me she never denied that but would donor on her time. I asked her if she would pay for half of the counseling and she said no that she could get 6 vists free but not to the one I am taking him too. I told her I’m not trying to keep him from you that I would do the joint if she would give me what I want but she said we will let the judge decide and said she would see me Tuesday for court and got in her car and drove off just like everything else she does. She runs away when she doesn’t get her way instead of talking it out. I see more and more of what she is truly like every time she doesn’t get her way and I’m glad I am getting out from under her. She has been smothering me for way to long. Just needed to get it off my chest thanks to TAM for being here to vent it helps a lot.


Stop talking to her about settlement issues. Stop negotiating with her. It is a waste of time. Nothing you agree to is bound by law and the judge can set aside any and all verbal agreements, especially when it concerns the kids. Hell, a judge can over ride any signed agreements if they do not feel they are in the best interest of the children.

Quit looking for explanations and reasons for her behavior. She did what she did because she wanted to do it. She acts the way she does because she is crazy and self centered. You cannot understand or explain crazy no matter how much you talk to her.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Sorry you are going through this. Your wife wants to escape the responsibilities of life. All she wants to do is go out and have adventures and forget the mundane responsibilities that normal families have. My Wayward ex wife is like that too. She leaves in a couple of days for a one month trip to India, her sixth trip out there to see her wealthy lover. She ended her first marriage for doing the same thing, only this time with a man in Malaysia. She converted to Islam in the process. Anyway, I've learned over the last six years after divorcing her twice that she wants to escape reality and live in a fantasy world. She has abrogated most of her responsibilities to the children, and our children resent it. Though she has them half the time, I am the one who takes care of all of the children's needs and responsibilities. I don't mind doing it because I'd rather be the one taking care of them. Your wife is using her inheritance from her mother as the means of her escape. I suspect she will never grow out of this. She is a perpetual child.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Got done with court today. Did not get full custody but got joint custody with me as primary. She gets visitation Friday through Sunday every other weekend. She also gets two visits the other week but no overnight stay. My son and her have to go to counseling together court mandated and she will be re-evaluated after 45 days. She also said she would pay for his extra outside activities monthly fees. For the first time I saw her cry when she was getting ready to sign the papers. She has never cried in front of me this whole tome even when she asked for the divorce. She started balling to her lawyer for 15 min and she had to be taken to another room to calm her down. Don’t know why she was crying but I signed the papers and walked out the door. Not going to look back.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Maybe she had some fantasy about how all this would turn out and THIS ISNT IT.....


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Skyborn99 said:


> Got done with court today. Did not get full custody but got joint custody with me as primary. She gets visitation Friday through Sunday every other weekend. She also gets two visits the other week but no overnight stay. My son and her have to go to counseling together court mandated and she will be re-evaluated after 45 days. She also said she would pay for his extra outside activities monthly fees. For the first time I saw her cry when she was getting ready to sign the papers. She has never cried in front of me this whole tome even when she asked for the divorce. She started balling to her lawyer for 15 min and she had to be taken to another room to calm her down. Don’t know why she was crying but I signed the papers and walked out the door. Not going to look back.


My STBXW got emotional a few times during our march towards Divorce and the time leading up to it but usually it had to do with when she had doubts that OM would pick her over his wife and in brief moments of feeling bad about things but as far as I can tell and found out, nothing sad about what she was doing to me.

I think you get it, you can't dwell on the why. My guess is for that moment, she did feel some guilt some remorse but if the true remorse or feeling bad for what she has done will either never come or come a ways down the road. Proud of you for being what you need to be right now and that's a good Dad. The kids don't have a choice in any of this and that's why they need people to look out for their best interests' above and beyond what the parents needs at this point.


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

Skyborn99 said:


> Got done with court today. Did not get full custody but got joint custody with me as primary. She gets visitation Friday through Sunday every other weekend. She also gets two visits the other week but no overnight stay. My son and her have to go to counseling together court mandated and she will be re-evaluated after 45 days. She also said she would pay for his extra outside activities monthly fees. For the first time I saw her cry when she was getting ready to sign the papers. She has never cried in front of me this whole tome even when she asked for the divorce. She started balling to her lawyer for 15 min and she had to be taken to another room to calm her down. Don’t know why she was crying but I signed the papers and walked out the door. Not going to look back.



Glad it went well with you in court. As a dad, this is a win for you. Thankfully, dads who deserve a fair consideration in court are getting it more frequently these days. I've seen guys done wrong pay child support for kids who get moved to another state they see once every three months.

Your ex is now just that--your ex. Close the door and move on. A few years from now you may even feel like she's a stranger. Your son, however, has a relationship with her that needs some healing. You sound like you will encourage and support thatI hope things go well for you as the divorce dust settles.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I just don’t understand how someone can be the way she is. Found out after court on Tuesday she went back to work and locked herself in her office with the AP for a few hours because she was so upset over what happened in court. And that people up there do know what they have been doing and nothing is being done about it. It’s baffling to me. I don’t know how she would still want to be with him when he is not leaving his wife. Just wow. And she didn’t show up to our sons counseling session the next day. She said she was busy and couldn’t get away and all she was doing was switching her room with my oldest room because they have a door to outside and the court ordered it. I don’t get it she has to do counseling with our son and be reevaluated in 45 days and she doesn’t go to his IC the day after court. I just don’t know how someone can be that f up in the head.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Log each and every bit of what your stbxw is doing and not doing. Protect yourself. I recommend a VAR when dealing with your W. If your stbxw is capable of doing what you describe, she is capable of just about anything.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> I just don’t understand how someone can be the way she is. Found out after court on Tuesday she went back to work and locked herself in her office with the AP for a few hours because she was so upset over what happened in court. And that people up there do know what they have been doing and nothing is being done about it. It’s baffling to me. I don’t know how she would still want to be with him when he is not leaving his wife. Just wow. And she didn’t show up to our sons counseling session the next day. She said she was busy and couldn’t get away and all she was doing was switching her room with my oldest room because they have a door to outside and the court ordered it. I don’t get it she has to do counseling with our son and be reevaluated in 45 days and she doesn’t go to his IC the day after court. I just don’t know how someone can be that f up in the head.


Infidelity is a self imposed psychosis. When real life intrudes on her fantasy world, she falls apart. You are reality. You are an impedance to her happiness. You must be destroyed. 

Once the shine wears off her new relationship, her attitude towards you will change abruptly.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Skyborn99 said:


> I just don’t understand how someone can be the way she is. Found out after court on Tuesday she went back to work and locked herself in her office with the AP for a few hours because she was so upset over what happened in court. And that people up there do know what they have been doing and nothing is being done about it. It’s baffling to me. I don’t know how she would still want to be with him when he is not leaving his wife. Just wow. And she didn’t show up to our sons counseling session the next day. She said she was busy and couldn’t get away and all she was doing was switching her room with my oldest room because they have a door to outside and the court ordered it. I don’t get it she has to do counseling with our son and be reevaluated in 45 days and she doesn’t go to his IC the day after court. I just don’t know how someone can be that f up in the head.


Document everything for full custody. Don't say a word or interfere. Let her hang herself.

You don't get it because you you haven't yet realized thats who she is. Let that not be your problem anymore


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You now need to inform the other spouse. It seemed to me her cheating husband intercepted your message. You could have it delivered to her for a nominal fee.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I plan on sending a letter to OM wife after it’s final. My lawyer told me not to do anything right now that would make it look bad for me. I’m also going to send her dad and step mom a text after to let them know what really happened. They live in another state and I have never really talked to them unless we vist them. I have heard that they do not know the truth of the affair that she has lied to them about her reason and also lied to her mother about it too. But my hands are tied right now to do anything until it’s done. I’m hoping that she hangs her self with the counseling and she misses up. Also heard that more people at there work are finding out but the right people haven’t learned what has transpired yet. Maybe I’m good time. I want to let her work know but I don’t want to pay alimony if she loses her job. So I will wait on that also. If you all have any ideas on anything all ears.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yes you want her working. Don't interfere with that. Once the D is final exposure will help get This off your chest and probably give you some form of closure.

Does your son know? Don't lie to him but tell him in a sanitized way.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

He doesn’t know she had an affair. He is only 12 and he is all ready very angry with her for leaving. She told him it was her fault for this but didn’t tell him why. I told him I would tell him when he was older the reason why. She moved her things out of the house but didn’t get done before he got home from school, so he watched her back and then leave the house and I told her if he watched her leave it wouldn’t be good for him. My 19 year old knows but doesn’t believe his mother would do anything like that and he is living with her. Don’t know what she has been feeding him with. He doesn’t call or come over anymore. Only seen him once in two weeks.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Why don't you reach out to your 19?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At 12 they are old enough to know the sterilized truth. Keeping him in the dark while his world falls apart will cause him even more anxiety. You are not doing him a favor here.

I suspect she’s fed the oldest a marital rewrite with you as the bad guy.

The truth fixes a lot of things.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Skyborn99 said:


> sokillme I think she does have a mental problem. For last year or so all she wanted to do was spend money on clothes and shoes and whatever she good get. Every week she would come home with new clothes and all she wanted to do was talk about taking trips or going somewhere. She would plan trips six months out. She even had one planned for this September to take a family cruise. She would spend money like it was water and we really didn’t have money like that. We would skip payments to go do the things she wanted to do or she would do these things and not even tell me so there would be nothing left in the bank account. I remember reading about a disorder that people will spend and buy things to make themselves feel better but I can’t remember what it was called. I tried a few times to go to a MC with me before all this happened but she always refused and said she doesn’t need anything like that. She has very deep issues that she needs to work on. Just wish she would of got help before this happened.


Part of this was her detaching from you. The new clothes,shoes and desire for a new life that may have included you at some point, but does not now.

I know that you are totally gobsmacked by the stupidity of this but don't hold out for a moment of clarity . It might never come, even if it does, you are unlikely to hear about it.

I know there is much pain. I have been there too. It was almost 8 years ago and my ExW still maintains that her hooking up with a married man and them both destroying two families was out of her control.

All I can say now is be there for your son. Whatever you feel is going to pale into insignificance when he knows for sure that his own Mother put some random guy ahead of him. 

I would suggest that you get into IC for yourself to get some pro help in dealing with the coming storm and dealing with the manipulation your wife will start to use on him

You need to be the rock. Stand strong and do not waver.


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

I have reached out to the older one multiple times to come over and hang out and told him I would cook dinner for him and his girlfriend but he always has something to do. I talked to him three weeks ago and tried to tell him what was going on. Even showed him the phone records but he still believes his mother. I’m not sure what else I can do but give him tome and let him see how she really is. I’m not sure how to go about letting the younger one know without destroying him any more than he all ready is. I’m hoping the IC he is seeing is helping but I’m not sure yet. If he finds out the truth right now I’m afraid that will make things worse.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Skyborn99 said:


> If he finds out the truth right now I’m afraid that will make things worse.


 If he finds out the truth later he will feel betrayed by BOTH parents. If you tell him now, at least he knows he has one good parent who is in his corner. Keep him in the dark at your own risk.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Double post


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Skyborn99 said:


> I have reached out to the older one multiple times to come over and hang out and told him I would cook dinner for him and his girlfriend but he always has something to do. I talked to him three weeks ago and tried to tell him what was going on. Even showed him the phone records but he still believes his mother. I’m not sure what else I can do but give him tome and let him see how she really is. I’m not sure how to go about letting the younger one know without destroying him any more than he all ready is. I’m hoping the IC he is seeing is helping but I’m not sure yet. If he finds out the truth right now I’m afraid that will make things worse.


Just let him know you love him and you will be there for him, but that you will not lie to him. If he chooses to believe his mom's lies, there is nothing you can do but wait and pray.


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