# Struggling with confidence



## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

This is a secret I keep from everyone other than my therapist. 

My self-esteem and confidence have taken such a hit since my husband cheated on me (full blown affair) and I wonder if I can ever like myself as I once did.

I pretend to think really lowly of his affair affair partner but secretly I am constantly comparing myself to her or anyone like her. I never did that before his affair. I was happy with who I was and how I looked. I would even say that I used to be a confident person. Not anymore.

His affair partner was almost the complete opposite of me in every way. I have a slim build with small breasts, brunette, brown eyes, never wear makeup, dress more cute than sexy, am a SAHM, enjoy more solitary, artistic hobbies where I can be on my own and am generally sort of shy until I get to know you. His affair partner was blonde, blue eyed, a career woman with a perfect body and large breasts, loud and extroverted, and I imagine she probably wears heels and a full face of makeup just to walk to the mailbox. I used to like myself the way I was and I thought my husband liked me too. Now I hate to admit it but it seems like I find something new about myself that I want to change every single day. The thing is that I do feel like I love myself inside but it’s the exterior things I’m having a problem with now, which makes me feel so shallow. 

Has anyone here struggled with their self esteem, confidence, or sense of self after a spouse cheated on you? If so, did you do anything that actually ended up helping you and how long did it take before you could stop comparing yourself?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's going to take some time working in therapy to improve your self-esteem. Probably wasn't that great to begin with. That sort of thing usually starts in childhood. I hope you reach a point where when someone does something to denigrate you, that you understand that that reflects badly on them, not badly on you.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's going to take some time working in therapy to improve your self-esteem. Probably wasn't that great to begin with. That sort of thing usually starts in childhood. I hope you reach a point where when someone does something to denigrate you, that you understand that that reflects badly on them, not badly on you.


No, I had quite a bit of confidence growing up and into my 20s when I met my soon to be ex husband. I really liked my body then. I used to prance around the house nude all the time and was never ashamed of anything about myself.

I thought maybe it wasn’t that unusual for a formerly confident person to still suffer self esteem issues after their husband tells her he’s in love with another woman who is basically her complete opposite. Maybe I’m an outlier🤷🏻‍♀️


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

It’s not you, it’s your soon to be ex-husband. He’s an opportunist looking for as much strange as he can get, and he doesn’t care who he hurts to get it. His AP is also a horrible person.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It really isn’t you! Yes you described the exact opposite. Two completely different women. 

Now try this: imagine that woman writing a post about herself, and describing you! My husband is cheating with a woman who is the complete opposite… 

Most people do cheat with the exact opposite to who they’re married to. It doesn’t make it easier. If she’s married to a blonde-haired corporate high-flyer, she’ll usually cheat with a bum with long hair who is still renting with friends in his 40s. And likewise, sahm usually find their husbands cheating on them with career-women. 

Do you think changing is going to make him like you more? No. Because someone somewhere is also fantasising about a girl just like you. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, it’s going to take time. At some point you’re going to feel differently about yourself. You really are. 

Unless you’re incredibly lazy, selfish, abusive and don’t look after your hygiene? Then all those things are who you are and make you unique. And if he had an affair and he was so worthy and she was so worthy… then why aren’t they playing house already?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> No, I had quite a bit of confidence growing up and into my 20s when I met my soon to be ex husband. I really liked my body then. I used to prance around the house nude all the time and was never ashamed of anything about myself.
> 
> I thought maybe it wasn’t that unusual for a formerly confident person to still suffer self esteem issues after their husband tells her he’s in love with another woman who is basically her complete opposite. Maybe I’m an outlier🤷🏻‍♀️


I don't think it's uncommon, but it's like you're faulting yourself for what he did by thinking you're not good enough and I don't think that happens overnight.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Hopefully you can sort through this.

You want to compare yourself to this other woman.

EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.YOU.THINK.OF.HER.THINK.THIS.
She's a cheater. 
She's a snake.
She's a liar.
She has NO intestinal fortitude. 
She's a coward.
She has NO morals.
She's a loser.
She may look pretty on the outside but her soul AND her heart is ugly!!
If you have kids She had NO problem blowing up their world.
She's a fraud.
You have honor and She's CLUELESS to what the word means.
When she looks at herself in the mirror TRUST me the reflection she sees makes her sick.
Her friends do NOT trust her.
Her friends do NOT want her around their husbands or boyfriends.
She has NO class.
She's a skank.
She is EVIL.
She lives a lie every single day.
If any man knew who she TRULY is and also knew who you are.....they'd choose you in a second.

I could go on and on but it doesn't matter what I say or think. Nope!! It's what you say to yourself. Your inner dialog. Don't let this UGLY woman make you doubt or think anything negative about yourself. 

You didn't cheat. Your loser husband and this skank did.

I'm glad you had the courage to post this. 
You WILL get through this!!

Keep the faith!!


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think a lot of us have gone through this. Your marriage might be over and you're not gonna feel great about this now but this creates opportunities for you. For the right guy, you will be perfect. One day you will look back on all this and be happy that he did what he did so you could be happier.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Cocomoon said:


> This is a secret I keep from everyone other than my therapist.
> 
> My self-esteem and confidence have taken such a hit since my husband cheated on me (full blown affair) and I wonder if I can ever like myself as I once did.
> 
> ...


Oh, my dear, this is so painful to read. Your husbands affair has nothing to do with you. It's about him. Look at all the beautiful actresses and models who are cheated on. 

Listen if you want to give yourself a make over that's OK, no one says you can't change something if you are not happy, but do it for yourself. Nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, and it can help with some of your struggles, but love isn't about being perfect, it's about giving to the person you love. Your husband failed at that and that has nothing do with your looks.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> This is a secret I keep from everyone other than my therapist.
> 
> My self-esteem and confidence have taken such a hit since my husband cheated on me (full blown affair) and I wonder if I can ever like myself as I once did.
> 
> ...


I too had a huge self esteem issue and I never did have one before the affair, not in my adult life anyway. It took time and thinking logically about things. The AP in my situation was the opposite of me as well but I feel that even if he hadn’t affaired down physically (he did), he definitely affaired down in every other way possible. 

I realized finally that I was comparing myself to a person who was fake in every way. Who cheated on her husband while he took care of their kids, to go screw a married man in back seats in parking lots with a sunshade up to hide it. In order to compare with that kind of person I’d have to become a pathetic piece of garbage. I now think of her as the trash that helped me see what I was married to. 

So, eventually you realize he didn’t affair up, you just married down. Way down. Getting away from him will help you see this clearly. Time and distance.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Cocomoon said:


> This is a secret I keep from everyone other than my therapist.
> 
> My self-esteem and confidence have taken such a hit since my husband cheated on me (full blown affair) and I wonder if I can ever like myself as I once did.
> 
> ...


I would suggest the qualities of the Affair Partner actually reflect the environment in which he developed the affair.

It's extremely common that cheaters find their affair partners at work. An Affair Partner in the corporate world, therefore, would not be a typical SAHM type. She is more likely to be assertive, used to negotiating with men, quite likely used to having to manage people, and likely would have developed networking skills.

Therefore, it would be no surprise that she is more likely to be loud and extroverted, as those qualities aid her in the corporate world. She likely has to dress up more in the corporate world as well. The "perfect body and large breasts" are subjective. So don't think you are second fiddle to the Affair Partner.

In addition to jettisoning your cheating ex, you may benefit from individual therapy to help you with this low self-esteem situation. I think the shock of being betrayed has you second-guessing yourself, and a counselor may help you out of that.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Cocomoon said:


> This is a secret I keep from everyone other than my therapist.
> 
> My self-esteem and confidence have taken such a hit since my husband cheated on me (full blown affair) and I wonder if I can ever like myself as I once did.
> 
> ...


I felt the same after the first time I found out my exH was hanging out and talking to another person... my self-esteem wasn't the best then... but after it seemed as if I was starting to mimic what she was like so he could "like me more." Maybe if I kept my hair super straight like hers, maybe if I was more tanned, maybe if I had a corporate job, maybe if my car was newer.. 🤬

It will take time, but trust me... it was NOT you at all. She may "look" like she has it all together on the outside, but on the inside she's an ugly person and probably falling apart.. why not get her own man instead of going after someone else's?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Perusing these forums, it is normal for the betrayed of either gender to compare themselves with the AP of their wayward. Often the wayward will actuallt TELL the betrayed how much better physically the AP is. It destroys the self-confidence of either gender and the betrayed will write how it is their fault that they were cheated on. 

Your husband cheating on you has nothing to do with you. If it hadn't been with the blond it would have been with someone else. The AP's physical attributes have nothing to do with it either. She was available, your husband was looking for strange in any package. Be thankful you didn't waste more of your one and only life with him. 

Somehow you will need to guard yourself in the months ahead from opportunistic predatory males. You are vulnerable. Maybe IC would help you process this horrible event in your life and recover your self esteem. Make sure him paying for your IC is taken into account for the financial settlement.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Enigma32 said:


> I think a lot of us have gone through this. Your marriage might be over and you're not gonna feel great about this now but this creates opportunities for you. For the right guy, you will be perfect. One day you will look back on all this and be happy that he did what he did so you could be happier.


I hope you are right. I do feel that I will be much happier one day, but it’s easier to believe some days than others.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Wolfman1968 said:


> I would suggest the qualities of the Affair Partner actually reflect the environment in which he developed the affair.
> 
> It's extremely common that cheaters find their affair partners at work. An Affair Partner in the corporate world, therefore, would not be a typical SAHM type. She is more likely to be assertive, used to negotiating with men, quite likely used to having to manage people, and likely would have developed networking skills.
> 
> ...


He didn’t meet her at work, but all the same everything else you’ve said is true and I know that in the rational side of my mind. His affair has made the irrational side of my mind much more prominent at times.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> If it hadn't been with the blond it would have been with someone else. The AP's physical attributes have nothing to do with it either. She was available, your husband was looking for strange in any package.


This is something I have to remember. I think sometimes that irrational side of my mind wants to tell myself that this woman was so irresistible that he just couldn’t help himself. Well, I think I used to tell myself things like that because somehow it made me feel better when I was trying to reconcile with him. It made it easier to try to convince myself that it was just this woman that made his defenses crumble and with her out of the picture it’d be ok and he’d go back to being the trustworthy man I thought I was married to. I think she is the kind of woman who easily makes men suddenly start to think with the wrong head but it doesn’t mean they have to act on it with her. My husband was not a victim. If it hadn’t been with her, he would have cheated on me eventually with somebody else.








Rus47 said:


> Somehow you will need to guard yourself in the months ahead from opportunistic predatory males. You are vulnerable. Maybe IC would help you process this horrible event in your life and recover your self esteem. Make sure him paying for your IC is taken into account for the financial settlement.


I’m interested in developing friendships (not with men, unless they’re gay I suppose), but want to avoid men for quite a while. Some people have also told me some pretty creepy things about predatory men who specifically go after single women with young children. I can’t imagine dating any time soon, it makes my stomach turn just thinking of it. One day I hope to meet the right man but maybe I’ll enjoy being single and on my own for a while. I need to repair my relationship with myself before letting anyone else in.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Cocomoon said:


> I need to repair my relationship with myself before letting anyone else in.


To me this is a cardinal rule in divorce. You cannot "find" anyone, nor can you develop a meaningful relationship if you don't do this first. Repairing oneself, whether you caused the break or the spouse or partner did, has to be the mission in life. Until that happens, you carry around the things you failed to repair.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH’s long-term affair was with someone who was very outgoing. He was an introvert like me and I think he liked that she was such an extrovert. But after we divorced, he didn’t marry her — he married someone just like me. My guess is he discovered that his Little Miss Out There was a tad too much on a daily basis but who knows. Cheaters make strange choices. It isn’t worth wasting your time over, believe me.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> My exH’s long-term affair was with someone who was very outgoing. He was an introvert like me and I think he liked that she was such an extrovert. But after we divorced, he didn’t marry her — he married someone just like me. My guess is he discovered that his Little Miss Out There was a tad too much on a daily basis but who knows. Cheaters make strange choices. It isn’t worth wasting your time over, believe me.


My husband’s affair partner chose to go back to her husband. My husband told me he was in love with her and no matter how much couples therapy we did, I couldn’t unhear those words. I think he would have liked to have left me for her but that option was taken away. I became the consolation prize and that feeling was a big part of me finally deciding we had to divorce.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cocomoon said:


> My husband’s affair partner chose to go back to her husband. My husband told me he was in love with her and no matter how much couples therapy we did, I couldn’t unhear those words. I think he would have liked to have left me for her but that option was taken away. I became the consolation prize and that feeling was a big part of me finally deciding we had to divorce.


Yes, that’s a very difficult thing to overcome. I think I could have gotten over my exH having sex with his AP but I couldn’t get over his telling her that he loved her. He claimed she said it first and he didn’t mean it when he said it but I never again believed him when he told me that he loved me. That was the beginning of the end for me.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Cocomoon said:


> I became the consolation prize


 No one should be a consolation prize.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cocomoon said:


> This is a secret I keep from everyone other than my therapist.
> 
> My self-esteem and confidence have taken such a hit since my husband cheated on me (full blown affair) and I wonder if I can ever like myself as I once did.
> 
> ...


Everyone that’s betrayed by their spouse has the or self confidence shattered. It takes a couple of years to get over. For what it’s worth, you sound pretty attractive to me.
Once you start focusing on yourself and your own life instead of your cheater, your self image will be fine


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Cocomoon said:


> My husband’s affair partner chose to go back to her husband. My husband told me he was in love with her and no matter how much couples therapy we did, I couldn’t unhear those words. I think he would have liked to have left me for her but that option was taken away. I became the consolation prize and that feeling was a big part of me finally deciding we had to divorce.


Good for you. Never agree to be "Plan B".


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Cocomoon said:


> I’m interested in developing friendships (not with men, unless they’re gay I suppose), but want to avoid men for quite a while. Some people have also told me some pretty creepy things about predatory men who specifically go after single women with young children. I can’t imagine dating any time soon, it makes my stomach turn just thinking of it. One day I hope to meet the right man but maybe I’ll enjoy being single and on my own for a while. I need to repair my relationship with myself before letting anyone else in.


Don't rush into things. People's judgement tend to be clouded when on the rebound from a relationship.

Also, in addition to "predatory" men, you may also run into "white knights" who would look at you as a woman they can "save".


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

How old are your children?

How are they doing?


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Don't rush into things. People's judgement tend to be clouded when on the rebound from a relationship.
> 
> Also, in addition to "predatory" men, you may also run into "white knights" who would look at you as a woman they can "save".


What could be so bad about a white knight?


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

sideways said:


> How old are your children?
> 
> How are they doing?


We have one child. She’s 4 years old.

She doesn’t really understand what’s going on. We’re all still currently living in the family home while our divorce is worked out. He moved out temporarily and she didn’t see him for about 2 weeks. She asked me if her dad was dead. We try to put on a good show in front of her now. She knows we don’t sleep in the same room anymore but she’s never really asked about it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I once had a boyfriend who I deeply loved and thought I was gonna marry. He broke up with me to be with someone else. They definitely had an emotional affair while we were dating. This other girl was not good looking. I think I expected to get replaced by someone better looking than me. It really hurt my self esteem.

I remember I chopped my hair off. I barely had any hair left. I developed social anxiety. I felt embarrassed everywhere I went. I was in a very dark place. Somehow I found the strength to keep going. I forced myself to enroll in many extracurricular activities (I was in college at the time.) I made new friends. I was isolated from my friends and family while dating my ex boyfriend.

Little by little I was back to who I used to be. It took time but it was a good experience to really get to know myself and my strengths.

My advice to you is to get yourself busy. Do things you were not able to do while married. Go out with friends, go back to school, go to the gym or do some type of exercise. I remember I enrolled in a modern dance class where the teacher pushed my limits of flexibility and coordination. It was a great mind and body experience, plus my body looked awesome 👍

Give it time. One day at the time. You'll see in a few years you are going to look back and feel you're wasting your time caring and comparing yourself to the other woman. You're free to start over. This is a new opportunity for you to grow and learn. Appreciate what you are the way you are. Be proud of who you are, always! You're someone who wouldn't cheat or lie. You're a decent person who doesn't need love crumbs from anyone.

You deserve better!!!


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Everyone that’s betrayed by their spouse has the or self confidence shattered. It takes a couple of years to get over. For what it’s worth, you sound pretty attractive to me.
> Once you start focusing on yourself and your own life instead of your cheater, your self image will be fine


A couple of years…ok, brutal but I’ve got this.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Cocomoon said:


> What could be so bad about a white knight?


It is usually a bad dynamic for a long-term relationship.

For the "White Knight", their need to be a "rescuer" can often lead to them sacrificing themselves or even tolerating abusive behavior from their partner in a quest to be altruistic to the point of self-immolation. (There are both male and female versions of "White Knight" types.) They end up suffering silently.

For the "rescued", often the relief of being "delivered" from their problems can lead them to enter into a relationship with someone they are really not suited for. (Think of a struggling single mother who marries a financially secure "nice guy" she doesn't have much in common with/not really attracted to, because she thinks she could "settle" for this guy and make her like easier.) As the memories of the struggles of single life fade, the relationship deteriorates.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> What could be so bad about a white knight?


Oh boy. 

Do you honestly think a man can fix all that ails you? Do you think choosing a man who enjoys helping broken women is a good thing? You’d be jumping from one bad situation to another. 

I worked out a list with my counselor of all the things I’d need in a man to have a successful and beautiful relationship. This clarified in glorious fashion why I needed to leave my marriage, and also what kind of person I’d accept if I were to start dating again. Which I am not interested in. I’m alone, raising my kids in peace, with no desire to find anyone else. I have never been so content and fulfilled with my kids and myself as I am now. 

Just get through this, concentrate on your healing and saving yourself, figure out what you love about yourself and the life you will create for you and your little one… and then decide whether you will allow a man into that situation. Talking here and IC will be very helpful for you. Good luck!


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Oh boy.
> 
> Do you honestly think a man can fix all that ails you? Do you think choosing a man who enjoys helping broken women is a good thing? You’d be jumping from one bad situation to another.
> 
> ...


No, I don’t think a man can fix everything. I guess I wasn’t really thinking of a “white knight” in this way but based on this and the previous post above I get what it means now.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

QuietRiot said:


> Oh boy.
> 
> Do you honestly think a man can fix all that ails you? Do you think choosing a man who enjoys helping broken women is a good thing? You’d be jumping from one bad situation to another.


*“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.”--- Nelson Algren*

A Walk on the Wild Side by Nelson Algren


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Wolfman1968 said:


> *“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.”--- Nelson Algren*
> 
> A Walk on the Wild Side by Nelson Algren


Wise words indeed 🤣


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very normal for yourself esteem to take a massive blow when you are cheated on. However to me you sound just lovely so please try not to compare yourself. After all you are comparing yourself to an awful person who thinks nothing of cheating with someone else's husband and destroying families. You are worth FAR more than her.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

it's definitely not you. it's your soon-to-be ex-husband. what you described is a tramp and he fell for her. that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

masterofmasters said:


> it's definitely not you. it's your soon-to-be ex-husband. what you described is a tramp and he fell for her. that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.


I think part of the hurt was realizing that my husband was a stereotypical man who would fall for somebody like that when he had me convinced he had better taste. I thought he was different. When I say stereotypical I don’t mean that all men are _actually_ that way. It’s just he went for the big boobed blonde and that’s just so cliche.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> I think part of the hurt was realizing that my husband was a stereotypical man who would fall for somebody like that when he had me convinced he had better taste. I thought he was different. When I say stereotypical I don’t mean that all men are _actually_ that way. It’s just he went for the big boobed blonde and that’s just so cliche.


Still about his character and not your looks. And now he reaps what he sowed. You will heal from the hurts and realize one day it’s not about you and your shortcomings, it was about his.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cocomoon said:


> This is something I have to remember. I think sometimes that irrational side of my mind wants to tell myself that this woman was so irresistible that he just couldn’t help himself. Well, I think I used to tell myself things like that because somehow it made me feel better when I was trying to reconcile with him. It made it easier to try to convince myself that it was just this woman that made his defenses crumble and with her out of the picture it’d be ok and he’d go back to being the trustworthy man I thought I was married to. I think she is the kind of woman who easily makes men suddenly start to think with the wrong head but it doesn’t mean they have to act on it with her. My husband was not a victim. If it hadn’t been with her, he would have cheated on me eventually with somebody else.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Very wise to leave it for some time. It was 4 years for me before began to think about dating again. Many jump into it far too soon. Also you have your child, and I am sure she will be your main focus.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cocomoon said:


> A couple of years…ok, brutal but I’ve got this.


Your soon to be ex is the one that should be ashamed and insecure, not you.

I'm sorry for the pain and wound your trusted one inflicted on you but it was because of his ugliness, not yours.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

> My husband told me he was in love with her and no matter how much couples therapy we did, I couldn’t unhear those words.


So he says this and has the nerve to blame you for the divorce? You married an emotionally immature ****wad who can’t take accountability.

Unfortunately, it will take time to rebuild yourself again. But it’ll be smoother once you’re away from him for good. It’s a good plan that you’re going to take some time for yourself before going back into the dating world again.

And one day, you’ll get to a place where you’ll barely spare him or whatever *** he rides out on a thought.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

As I recently described in another thread, I have his first name tattooed on my behind. I know, it was stupid of me and it cursed our relationship. I am trying to decide whether I will get it removed or covered up. I just don’t want to have a giant ugly tattoo on my butt to cover this up. Luckily I don’t have to look at it every day but I know it’s there. I will probably feel better once it’s removed. He said “I still own your ass!” He wasn’t just talking about the tattoo. He thinks he can control me and control our divorce. I can’t let him control my confidence and self esteem too.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> As I recently described in another thread, I have his first name tattooed on my behind. I know, it was stupid of me and it cursed our relationship. I am trying to decide whether I will get it removed or covered up. I just don’t want to have a giant ugly tattoo on my butt to cover this up. Luckily I don’t have to look at it every day but I know it’s there. I will probably feel better once it’s removed. He said “I still own your ass!” He wasn’t just talking about the tattoo. He thinks he can control me and control our divorce. I can’t let him control my confidence and self esteem too.


I would say you definitely need to have that tattoo covered up or removed if you ever want a decent guy to take you seriously as a romantic partner. You have likely a bit of a bumpy ride ahead of you but you can come out of this stronger than before.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> As I recently described in another thread, I have his first name tattooed on my behind. I know, it was stupid of me and it cursed our relationship. I am trying to decide whether I will get it removed or covered up. I just don’t want to have a giant ugly tattoo on my butt to cover this up. Luckily I don’t have to look at it every day but I know it’s there. I will probably feel better once it’s removed. He said “I still own your ass!” He wasn’t just talking about the tattoo. He thinks he can control me and control our divorce. I can’t let him control my confidence and self esteem too.


Laser it off, make it a divorce gift. The only thing that cursed your relationship was his decision to cheat on you. You need to reframe your thought processes.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cocomoon said:


> “I still own your ass!” He wasn’t just talking about the tattoo. He thinks he can control me and control our divorce.


Do you have a shark attorney who will go for the throat? If not, talk with friends and find one. You will own HIS a$$ and balls too.😐


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Laser it off, make it a divorce gift. The only thing that cursed your relationship was his decision to cheat on you. You need to reframe your thought processes.


Oh, I know the tattoo didn’t really cause the problem. But I think everybody pretty much knows that getting a tattoo of your partner’s name is never a good idea and there’s a joke (that often proves to be true) that it dooms the relationship for sure.

I think I will feel a bit freed once it’s not there anymore but strangely I’m not ready to get rid of it yet.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Do you have a shark attorney who will go for the throat? If not, talk with friends and find one. You will own HIS a$$ and balls too.😐


Yes, mediation has failed and I have a good litigation attorney now. But then again so does he. We’re sort of stuck in court limbo right now.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Do you have a shark attorney who will go for the throat? If not, talk with friends and find one. You will own HIS a$$ and balls too.😐


My thoughts exactly, I just read your other thread and it sounds like his lawyer is better than yours. He wouldn’t be acting like such an insolent ass if he weren’t comfortable in thinking he could screw you over. 

A man who owns a business and cheats on his stay at home wife should be kissing your ass to keep from losing the shirt off his back, not prancing around with his new dates to rub it in your face.

I’d do the 180 and then go get a damn good lawyer who will serve his own ass to him well done. Just my opinion.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

If I am not mistaken your husband gets to pay for your attorney. So get a good hungry one (or two)

As a SAHM with a deep pocketed master of business for a$$hole husband, a decent attorney should have no problem picking his carcA$$ clean.

Didnt you say his blond sidepiece went back to her husband? Guess ur STBXH wasn't all that great for her.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> My thoughts exactly, I just read your other thread and it sounds like his lawyer is better than yours. He wouldn’t be acting like such an insolent ass if he weren’t comfortable in thinking he could screw you over.
> 
> A man who owns a business and cheats on his stay at home wife should be kissing your ass to keep from losing the shirt off his back, not prancing around with his new dates to rub it in your face.
> 
> I’d do the 180 and then go get a damn good lawyer who will serve his own ass to him well done. Just my opinion.


His lawyer is probably better than mine. He knows all the right people and has all the right connections. I…do not know those types of people.

His ego has definitely ballooned since his side piece touched his penis. He was not like that before. I’m not into egotistical guys and I know for a fact that he wasn’t one when we met. I think a lot of it right now is because his pride has taken some major hits but he can’t admit that to anyone. His affair partner picked her husband and I picked a divorce. So he reacts by behaving like this. I never would have imagined it several years ago.

When he came home from his date he knocked on my bedroom door and wanted to come in. It woke up our daughter who didn’t know what her father has been up to and she just wanted to see daddy and for daddy to come cuddle her in bed. He did that on purpose too. Just so he could turn to look at me with a shir eating grin.

The next day he told me he didn’t have sex with his “girlfriend.” Why do I want to know? Why is he telling me this? For the rest of the day he proceeded to find ways to rub up against me, press his crotch into the backside of me while I was in the kitchen. The terrible thing is that I wanted him. I hated myself for it and I realized wow I might need to book 3 therapy appointments for myself this week. I could barely have sex with him when we were attempting to reconcile, due to the emotional aspect of it, but ever since I filed for divorce I can’t stop thinking of him in that way and it’s a problem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t. He wins and you lose when you do — and he knows that.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Don’t. He wins and you lose when you do — and he knows that.


I’ve given in twice. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. I shouldn’t want him to touch me with a 20 ft. pole after everything he’s done to me. I know that this speaks to some issues within me that I need to work on.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> His lawyer is probably better than mine. He knows all the right people and has all the right connections. I…do not know those types of people.
> 
> His ego has definitely ballooned since his side piece touched his penis. He was not like that before. I’m not into egotistical guys and I know for a fact that he wasn’t one when we met. I think a lot of it right now is because his pride has taken some major hits but he can’t admit that to anyone. His affair partner picked her husband and I picked a divorce. So he reacts by behaving like this. I never would have imagined it several years ago.
> 
> ...


I understand, there is what’s called hysterical bonding, like your body wants to try and bond the person to you even when your head knows it’s a bad idea. I think you’re likely just too nice to him and he’s enjoying knowing he’s hurting you and making your life miserable. That just shows how broken of a person he has become. 

Research the 180 and implement it in all things dealing with him until you are no longer living with him. Then you can figure out how much contact you will allow when you have physical space. I would really look into a better lawyer. Like Rus said, start asking around. 

It’s difficult but you’re going to have to be strong, set hard boundaries and follow them. You know that he is trying to manipulate you, but only you have the power to decide you won’t allow it. You’re going to need to lean on anger and resentment for a time as they do have a purpose right now, sometimes your body may need a reminder.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cocomoon said:


> I’ve given in twice. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. I shouldn’t want him to touch me with a 20 ft. pole after everything he’s done to me. I know that this speaks to some issues within me that I need to work on.


If you’re the competitive type (I am) tell yourself you’re not going to let him ever win anything again. Because he’s likely thinking “Gotcha” when you do.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

So he is seeing more than one woman now? His original sidepiece went back to her husband, so now he has more girlfriends? He is behaving as if he were single yet he isn't divorced from you yet, so he is a serial cheater?

If you are allowing intimacy with him you are risking your health and maybe your life. The loose women who are having sex with him have obviously had sex with who knows how many other men, your STBX is obviously not "Mr Wonderful" to women if his first stray decided she preferred her ex husband. It is like he is screwing the whole town by proxy. 

I know it is very difficult to go cold turkey, but for your physical and mental health you must not be intimate with him ever again. And if he forces the issue, maybe you should file charges against him. Ask your attorney about that. Tell your attorney your STBX is emotionally abusing you and ask him about a separation agreement that moves your STBX out of your child's home ASAP.

Do you have friends and family that can come along side of you to help physically or emotionally? In particular, do you know other women who have gone through divorce that might help and also recommend the best shark of an attorney to handle your case? 

What a piece of work your STBXH is to put you and his daughter through this. There is a special place in H3ll for people like that.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So he is seeing more than one woman now? His original sidepiece went back to her husband, so now he has more girlfriends? He is behaving as if he were single yet he isn't divorced from you yet, so he is a serial cheater?
> 
> If you are allowing intimacy with him you are risking your health and maybe your life. The loose women who are having sex with him have obviously had sex with who knows how many other men. It is like he is screwing the whole town by proxy. Do you have friends and family that can come along side of you to help emotionally? In particular, do you know other women who have gone through divorce that might help and also recommend the best shark of an attorney to handle your case?
> 
> What a piece of work your STBXH is to put you and his daughter through this. There is a special place in H3ll for people like that.


He’s “dating” one woman right now. He’s even introduced her to all of our “friends.” I think she’s really just a prop to get back at me and to make me feel bad. She is not his original affair partner. He started seeing her after I filed for divorce and he said it shouldn’t matter to me since I decided I was done.

I’ve had sex with him twice since I filed for divorce. A mistake each time. I feel so stupid and foolish for doing it. Of course he was thinking “gotcha!” each time, I have no doubt about that. My period was also a week late after one of the encounters and that was incredibly terrifying. My body and screwed up emotions and self esteem really betray me at times. I have a friend who gave me a code word to text her when I’m starting to feel sexually attracted to my husband again. She promised she would send me something to totally turn me off and/or make me really mad at him and she actually stayed true to her word 🤣

I have friends, not too much family. The closest family members live a few hours away. I don’t really know many women who have been through divorce (or successfully been through it). Most of my friends haven’t even been married. Of those who are married, they’re all mainly wives of my husband’s close friends so that does me no good really. Now they have a replacement version of me anyway. They even post photos with her online like she’s just always been part of the group.

This has opened my eyes though and maybe I will look into a different lawyer.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Tell him that since you are divorcing you do not want him touching you. If he won’t move out let him know that your conversations wi Om unbelievable about your daughter


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> He’s “dating” one woman right now. He’s even introduced her to all of our “friends.” I think she’s really just a prop to get back at me and to make me feel bad. She is not his original affair partner. He started seeing her after I filed for divorce and he said it shouldn’t matter to me since I decided I was done.
> 
> I’ve had sex with him twice since I filed for divorce. A mistake each time. I feel so stupid and foolish for doing it. Of course he was thinking “gotcha!” each time, I have no doubt about that. My period was also a week late after one of the encounters and that was incredibly terrifying. My body and screwed up emotions and self esteem really betray me at times. I have a friend who gave me a code word to text her when I’m starting to feel sexually attracted to my husband again. She promised she would send me something to totally turn me off and/or make me really mad at him and she actually stayed true to her word 🤣
> 
> ...


Wow you are surrounded by totally fake people. It sounds like maybe you have some misconceptions about how great he treated you to begin with. 

You KNOW he is having sex with this girl…dont screw yourself over. He’s to blame for cheating, you are to blame if you get pregnant or a disease right now. That’s a bad bad idea and probably WANTS you pregnant. Having sex with him can also mess with your divorce proceedings and the timeline to finalize it… these are things you need to consider. 

Look into several different lawyers. You need someone more aggressive and proactive.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Cocomoon said:


> This is a secret I keep from everyone other than my therapist.
> 
> My self-esteem and confidence have taken such a hit since my husband cheated on me (full blown affair) and I wonder if I can ever like myself as I once did.
> 
> ...


@Cocomoon ,

In my opinion, this is a time when you need to begin TRAINING YOUR MIND. Right now, your mind compares you and The Pickle Slicer and finds you lacking. Right now, you think of your STBXH and still see the man you * thought * your husband was (a mirage). Right now you are letting your STBXH mess with your head and you're taking his lies to heart. In order to change all this, you need to *train your mind* to answer back to all these inaccuracies!

*So here is one inaccuracy: comparing you to The Pickle Slicer and finding you lacking.* You are realistic about yourself: "a slim build with small breasts, brunette, brown eyes, never wear makeup, dress more cute than sexy, am a SAHM, enjoy more solitary, artistic hobbies where I can be on my own and am generally sort of shy." But you compare yourself to The Pickle Slicer and think she "wins" or "is better" or something along that line. Let me tell you a story: my exH was 6'2" and fairly thin build. I am 5' tall on a good day, and build like a brickhouse! But he constantly put me down--he liked 5'10" wispy ballerina types. Well then WHY IN THE HECK did he marry me???? His Wistress was built more like that (taller, thinner, teeny-weeny boobs), and I could have compared myself to her and thought I was a short, ugly, sausage of a woman. But you know what? She had four kids from four different men and NOT ONE of those men stuck around--so she was promiscuous! And I'm not being judgmental there--there stating fact. She wore so much makeup it was like Queen Elizabeth I where some of it cracked and fell off. She could NEVER get her hair messed up. She kept a horribly messy house and the kids were undisciplined. She was jealous in every bone of her body because of course, she stole men so she knew they could be stolen! My point here is that yep--I didn't look like her physically. I was natural. I was curvy in all the best places. I was smart and funny. I had a moral compass. I took care of my kids and my house. I trained my mind to answer back when I had those doubts. I was WAY better!! [P.S. it also does help to give her a humorous nickname like The Pickle Slicer. You take her a little less seriously.  ] [P.S.#2 I am now married to a man who LOVES the fact I can adventure ride a motorcycle and don't mind if my hair gets messy. Ya gotta pick a man who loves you for you.]

*Here is another inaccuracy: you think of your STBXH and still see the man you * thought * your husband was (a mirage).* @Cocomoon the man you * thought * your husband was is not real. In your head you thought you had a happy family, a good marriage, and a loving husband. Now, Love is not a feeling. It's not that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling. Love is an ACTION. I am treating you in a more loving way that your STBXH [P.S. it also helps to call him what he is: your Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband. It's a verbal reminder of the truth.] because I am honest with you, care about your feelings, and I'm kind. I want the best for you! And the best would be for you to stop thinking about what you WISH was true, and start looking at reality. REALITY is that Love is patient--is that how your STBXH treated you? If not, then in reality he was not loving. REALITY is that Love is kind--was your STBXH kind to you? If not, then in reality he was not loving. REALITY is that Love does not envy--that means if you got something really EXCELLENT was STBXH happy for you or was he jealous that you got the spotlight? REALITY is that Love does not boast--that means that you do something thoughtful for someone and didn't need a whole parade to say how great you are for doing it. If that is not how he acted toward you, then in reality he was not loving. Get it? TRAIN YOUR MIND to see what is real...reality. TRAIN YOUR MIND to spot those moments when you are thinking about what you "wish" rather than about what IS. TRAIN YOUR MIND to see who your STBXH truly is in reality rather than who you "wish" he was or the image you want to see of him in your head. You desire the man? Okay, you were married for some yeas and you had a habit of sexuality with him and only him. Next time you feel some horniness, just tell your mind that while you were faithful he gave himself away to some Pickle Slicer! Next time you feel desire, just remember where his pickle has been and you don't want that tainted pickle juice near you! LOL

*Here is one final inaccuracy: you are letting your STBXH mess with your head and you're taking his lies to heart. * I realize you two are not living apart yet, but you don't need to allow him into your head -OR- agree with his Mind****ery when he rubs things in. For example, when he was "out on his date" it sounds to me as if you stayed home, watched your daughter, and wrung your hands over how he could be so cruel. Then he came home and actually WAS cruel some more! Listen, @Cocomoon if he wants to be a jerk, you can't stop him, but you also don't have to allow him to treat you poorly either. You can say "no". If he wants to go "out on a date" then why don't you have plans so that he can't go? Or (as I suspect is true) if you kind of like being with your daughter and don't mind the extra time, why don't you go with her to a park or someplace fun, and enjoy HER instead of dwelling on him and his Mind****ery? Or if you want to stay home with your daughter, and he is going out on a date, instead of sitting at home thinking how cruel he is, what if you KICKED HIM OUT OF YOUR HEAD, and made cookies that you love because YOU love them! Do something YOU DEEPLY ENJOY and if he wants to set himself on fire...(shrug), don't care. Make sense? Train your mind to think of him like the UPS driver or the auto mechanic in town. Do you care if the auto mechanic goes on a date? Do you wring your hands and think he's cruel? Why not? Do you get all wound up about the UPS driver's love life? Why not? It's because you are indifferent to them. You don't wish them ill but you're apathetic to what they do or say and it doesn't take up space in your head. So TRAIN YOUR MIND that when he tells you it's YOUR fault that you guys are divorcing...that your mind answers back with the truth! No, HE broke the marriage beyond repair when HE committed adultery. Adultery KILLS a relationship--all you did was accurately state that it was dead. TRAIN YOUR MIND so that when he yells at you, you look him dead in the eye and say "My opinion differs GREATLY" and that's all. TRAIN YOUR MIND so that you can emotionally detach from him.

Final thought: in my signature is "The 180"...click on that and read it. It's not supposed to be fake. You aren't doing these things with the hope that they'll "get it" and want you back. You do The 180 to do like a complete U-Turn from what you've been doing. What you've been doing isn't working...so do the opposite. Instead of "waiting around for him" be scarce. Instead of hoping he'll notice you, just don't be around. Instead of listening to him yell at you, walk away unbothered. I think of it kind of like George Costanza on Seinfeld. Remember when he did "Opposite Day" and suddenly EVERYTHING in his life worked? What you're doing now is not working. It won't save your marriage (that's gone) and it won't save you. Soooo...do a 180 degree turn. Do the opposite. Do The 180.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> What could be so bad about a white knight?


A few things. A white knight can also be the guy who has previously been pretty awful to his ex-wife, or current wife. And he’s compensating by building a nice public image. We should all be wary of the man who jumps hoops to help a damsel in distress. They’re usually not good men, and they’re often predators in disguise.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> A few things. A white knight can also be the guy who has previously been pretty awful to his ex-wife, or current wife. And he’s compensating by building a nice public image. We should all be wary of the man who jumps hoops to help a damsel in distress. They’re usually not good men, and they’re often predators in disguise.


I agree. Often, these types are looking for vulnerability to take advantage.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cocomoon said:


> I’ve given in twice. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. I shouldn’t want him to touch me with a 20 ft. pole after everything he’s done to me. I know that this speaks to some issues within me that I need to work on.


Not gonna lie, during the first 4 weeks after the ex-wife said she wanted a divorce, I would have given in if she wanted sex. That faded with time. I eventually stopped looking at her all together and no longer have a desire to have sex with her. I'd rather find someone else worth my time.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Not gonna lie, during the first 4 weeks after the ex-wife said she wanted a divorce, I would have given in if she wanted sex. That faded with time. I eventually stopped looking at her all together and no longer have a desire to have sex with her. I'd rather find someone else worth my time.


I’m still very physically attracted to my soon to be ex husband but not attracted to him otherwise. I’m not even sure that it’s him specifically that I want, but I’m just incredibly sexually frustrated after going over a year with very little sex. The very little sex was my choice after I found out about the affair. We never had hysterical bonding. Even after I started to like him again and even after I wanted to be able to live and trust him again I still could not enjoy sex and so it rarely happened. I went probably a whole year before I even started to feel any sort of sexual arousal at all. That part of me completely shut down when I found out about his affair. Now I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I am desperate for sex with a man. It’s as if my sex drive just woke up out of hibernation without any warning one day. He just happens to be the only man that I’m sort of technically but not really allowed to have sex with. I feel that even once our divorce is finalized it’s not recommended or wise for me to run out and find a man to sleep with. I don’t want to run around having sex with random men anyway. I don’t want to be that woman, but I certainly understand those who do that now. I’ve even started considering having a FWB once I’m single! I’ve never liked that idea but I don’t know how long I can wait to finally be able to have sec with another human being again. Certainly don’t want to rush into an actual relationship either. I should be above this, right? It feel so trivial compared to everything else that going on in my life.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> A few things. A white knight can also be the guy who has previously been pretty awful to his ex-wife, or current wife. And he’s compensating by building a nice public image. We should all be wary of the man who jumps hoops to help a damsel in distress. They’re usually not good men, and they’re often predators in disguise.


How can you tell if somebody is just a nice guy and somebody who is a white knight?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cocomoon said:


> I’ve never liked that idea but I don’t know how long I can wait to finally be able to have sec with another human being again.


Certainly understandable. Not sure how to deal with a raging libido and no outlet. You are vulnerable to more unhappiness and that can be a big red flashing sign saying “hurt ne”.

You need to have some “sisters” in the journey you are on irl. Others who have faced all if these issues and more. 

As much as you are able, focus on your daughter. She is the one who will need a lit if help dealing with this.


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Wow you are surrounded by totally fake people. It sounds like maybe you have some misconceptions about how great he treated you to begin with.
> 
> You KNOW he is having sex with this girl…dont screw yourself over. He’s to blame for cheating, you are to blame if you get pregnant or a disease right now. That’s a bad bad idea and probably WANTS you pregnant. Having sex with him can also mess with your divorce proceedings and the timeline to finalize it… these are things you need to consider.
> 
> Look into several different lawyers. You need someone more aggressive and proactive.


Yeah, those people aren’t people that I’d naturally pick to be my friends. I did enjoy their company and they were fun to socialize with but I never felt any true deep connections with any of them. I always felt a bit different from the other women in the group. My STBXH really did treat me wonderfully for several years though. I think he genuinely loved me at one time. I always thought we were both slightly different from the rest of the group and I thought we both enjoyed it that way. He changed. We used to be like 2 peas in a pod as silly as that saying is. I know ultimately it was something within him and his character and it was probably hiding there all along, but I also wonder if certain new people in his life, some business success, and more money and things like that added fuel to the fire. He was still in the process of making it in his career when we met and he was far more humble and fun to be around.

No point dwelling on it now so why am I even wasting space on this screen talking about him?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cocomoon said:


> Yeah, those people aren’t people that I’d naturally pick to be my friends. I did enjoy their company and they were fun to socialize with but I never felt any true deep connections with any of them. I always felt a bit different from the other women in the group. My STBXH really did treat me wonderfully for several years though. I think he genuinely loved me at one time. I always thought we were both slightly different from the rest of the group and I thought we both enjoyed it that way. He changed. We used to be like 2 peas in a pod as silly as that saying is. I know ultimately it was something within him and his character and it was probably hiding there all along, but I also wonder if certain new people in his life, some business success, and more money and things like that added fuel to the fire. He was still in the process of making it in his career when we met and he was far more humble and fun to be around.
> 
> No point dwelling on it now so why am I even wasting space on this screen talking about him?


Because he’s not out of your life, you’re still very much held hostage by this situation and you’re fighting yourself to not sleep with him while he galavants around with random women. If that doesn’t merit needing support and help I don’t know what does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Because it’s human nature to want to know what happened. I did the same. My exH and I met as teenagers and married a few years later. Some things about him never changed but some things changed greatly. I’ll never know if they were there all along and just hidden or maybe he really did change (and not for the better). He had an excellent mask that he hid behind and he knew it. He once told me, when we were very young, that I would never truly know him. I didn’t believe him then but turned out he was correct. I didn’t.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cocomoon said:


> I’m still very physically attracted to my soon to be ex husband but not attracted to him otherwise. I’m not even sure that it’s him specifically that I want, but I’m just incredibly sexually frustrated after going over a year with very little sex. The very little sex was my choice after I found out about the affair. We never had hysterical bonding. Even after I started to like him again and even after I wanted to be able to live and trust him again I still could not enjoy sex and so it rarely happened. I went probably a whole year before I even started to feel any sort of sexual arousal at all. That part of me completely shut down when I found out about his affair. Now I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I am desperate for sex with a man. It’s as if my sex drive just woke up out of hibernation without any warning one day. He just happens to be the only man that I’m sort of technically but not really allowed to have sex with. I feel that even once our divorce is finalized it’s not recommended or wise for me to run out and find a man to sleep with. I don’t want to run around having sex with random men anyway. I don’t want to be that woman, but I certainly understand those who do that now. I’ve even started considering having a FWB once I’m single! I’ve never liked that idea but I don’t know how long I can wait to finally be able to have sec with another human being again. Certainly don’t want to rush into an actual relationship either. I should be above this, right? It feel so trivial compared to everything else that going on in my life.


I get you. I understand. I'm still physically attracted to my ex-wife and it's been sometime now without sex..... and I have a very high drive, so I get where you are coming from at the moment. 

I'll live without for now. 


I do understand where you are coming from. Random hookups or FWB to get it out of your system. I get it, Coco. I really, really do. The same things have been running through my mind as well. That bridge is coming up fast to me right now and I'm gonna have to cross it soon. Do I stick with the principles I've always lived by or do I just give in and go nuts? I'd like to say that I'm going to live by my principles, but at the same time..... I know I can't say that for certain right now. It would be tough for me if a woman I was very physically attracted to threw herself at me. 


I have no advice here. Wish I did. Just wanted to say I understand.


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## CTPROF (6 mo ago)

Cocomoon said:


> How can you tell if somebody is just a nice guy and somebody who is a white knight?


I suppose you can't but time often tells the tale. I suggest that you create strict boundaries from the beginning so that he will know you prefer emotional and/or intellectual help rather than anything physical. One of the things that I suggested to my wife's friend was to rely on her female friends for support rather than a man. Even if the guy sincerely wants to help, it is difficult for others, especially the betrayed spouse, to tell what his true motives are. If you have female friends and family, they are often more reliable to be there because you REALLY need them, than a so-called white knight.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Cocomoon said:


> How can you tell if somebody is just a nice guy and somebody who is a white knight?


Here's an article on "White Knight Syndrome".

White Knight Syndrome


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## Cocomoon (6 mo ago)

I’ve been away for a few days because my daughter ended up getting a very bad case of poison oak and had a bad reaction that sent us to the ER. I’ve been just doting on her for the past few days. For a brief time all of my husband’s new found bravado was gone and he acted like the old version of himself that I used to like. I actually thought he’d use it as an opportunity to make me feel bad since I know she contracted it when she was with me at a park, but it was quite the opposite. We have both been able to just focus 100% on our daughter and not let our personal troubles get in the way and I hope that bodes well for the future. He even said he’d make sure we were taken care of in the divorce settlement. Well, as if I’m going to settle for anything less? But it’s the first time he’s even said anything remotely nice about it. 

The good news is that with all of this happening my sex drive completely went away again and I’m glad for that for the time being.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cocomoon said:


> My husband’s affair partner chose to go back to her husband. My husband told me he was in love with her and no matter how much couples therapy we did, I couldn’t unhear those words. I think he would have liked to have left me for her but that option was taken away. I became the consolation prize and that feeling was a big part of me finally deciding we had to divorce.


So her hubby probably does not even know about her lewd sex with another man. You say you have small breast because you are comparing yourself to the blond bimbo. If a spouse really loves you, your breast size is not gonna matter. My when I met wife 25 yrs ago, she was 5'03 size 1/3 depending on clothing, with C cup. She was perfect to me. 

25 yrs and 2 kids later, she is a size 7 headed for 5, with DDs. You know what, she still looks perfect to me. 

Her previous hubby of 10 yrs was a serial cheater, she was a walk away wife. She says now she has felt what it is like to truly be loved, she would never tolerate the same things she did in 1st marriage. That man that will truly love you is out there, you can find him.

Hell if I were a woman that wanted larger breast, in this marriage, I would get augmentation on his dime, and when healed up divorce his ass and tell him "You will never get to enjoy these bodacious tatas, asshole"


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

A married man will pick his AP based on *availability* (eg does she want to get involved with a married men), not based on her look. There are countless stories out there about married men picking ugly women as their AP. 

There is not a whole lot of women who wants to get involved with a married men… because such men have no value. It’s like going to a dealership and buying a new car with no engine in it. But the dealer promise that they will add an engine in a year or two.

A woman can be attractive blonde or brunette, tall or short, small breast, big breast, all attractive.

A men worth you while will appreciate your beauty but will choose to be with you for what you bring in the relationship, not just the look. And you might do the same.


My XWW cheated on me. I divorced her, met another woman later, and married her and her look was not my first or second criteria. In her criterias, she refused to date men from another city and men under 6’ tall. I’m from another city and less than 6´ tall…. yet she married me  Should I be worried about tall men?


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