# Seriously, what is the difference between a long term PA and someone who has ONS?



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

What is the difference between a spouse who has a full blown PA or EA or the spouse who has ONS / ONS's?

There is a difference yes?

Be happy to hear from BS and WS


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

BH here. 
Suffered through a PA. Don't know what is considered long term or short term though.

The difference:

ONS may mean it was a mistake. They were drunk, stupid, or whatever. No matter the reason though, it was still cheating, and there needs to be ample consequences, and they need to do some heavy lifting. 

LT PA means they knew what they were doing, and went back for more. You can't claim a LT PA was a mistake. A mistake is a one-time mess up. A LT PA is a choice, not a mistake. They choose to have sex with someone else, that wasn't their spouse. 
To forgive this, takes a lot. I couldn't. But the BS needs to be willing to forgive if the marriage is to even survive. And the WS has to do a lot of heavy lifting and better be ready to take some verbal abuse from their BS, because they brought it down on themselves. 
A marriage can be saved from a LT PA. But it is never going to be easy.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It depends. A drunken ONS swayed by some influence (peer pressure, party atmosphere etc) that can be avoided in future is not as devastating IMO. 

ONS listed in order of least to most devastating IMO:
*drunken and out of town with an distant acquaintance or Hooker

*drunken and in town with a casual acquaintance (unmarried) married = worse

*sober and planned with prostitute, an acquaintance (unmarried) = worse married = worst

Long term (more than once and over a period of weeks if not months) are worse because they more than likely involve intimacy and constant planning - 

These are off the cuff opinions and may be revised with more thoughtful consideration.

What's your opinion?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

There are two ways of looking at it.

A ONE TIME ONS is a mistake. But what about 'multiple' ONS? Some BS look at as holding the marriage so cheaply that one or more times, the WS is willing to 'throw everything away' for scratching an itch with a random stranger. Others see it as the WS is saving their 'emotional investment' purely with the BS, and having 'reasonably meaningless' itch scratching.

Since many men throw their OW under the bus as soon as their comfortable, it seems to make a difference to the women who were betrayed. The chances of R is much higher. Or perhaps that is because of fiscal or familial (children) reasons.

But a LT Affair. Some BS look at it as giving the 'cream' of the relationship to another person. The glittering smiles. The affectionate touches. The thoughtfulness. Things that were owed, promised and CRAVED to and by the BS are freely given to the OP.

HOWEVER, others see it as 'oh...she/he fell for Lance/Sadie...they've always been close. It was a mistake of allowing perfectly normal friendship get too far. Just a bit of loose boundaries which need tightening."

Additionally, some look at the serial ONS guy/girl as incapable of being able to maintain ANY LTR. 

To-MAY-to. To-MAH-to.

Most say it doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating.

The only thing everyone agrees with is all of them hurt.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

JCD said:


> There are two ways of looking at it.
> 
> A ONE TIME ONS is a mistake. But what about 'multiple' ONS? Some BS look at as holding the marriage so cheaply that one or more times, the WS is willing to 'throw everything away' for scratching an itch with a random stranger. Others see it as the WS is saving their 'emotional investment' purely with the BS, and having 'reasonably meaningless' itch scratching.
> 
> ...


You are so right, all ways of cheating hurt....I personally figure that LTA is worse, and an EA is worse than ONS, which is usually fuelled by drugs or alcohol.....not that this is an excuse.....ever!

Like someone said on here months ago, when drunk you wouldn't give your bank card and pin away!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The ONS is easier to get your spouse the help they need for making a bad and unhealthy choice's. In this case they are no were near as emotionally attached to AP/strange. They just need to learn the tools to live a healthier life.

The LTA is harder to get your spouse to see that their bad and unhealthy choice to tear a family unit apart cuz what they did or are doing is got them fogged into believing they have met their soul mate/true love and will be willing to leave there spouse, kids and loved ones behind.

But then again there is the cake eatrer that wants the best of both worlds.....and its up to the betrayed to tolorate it of not.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

the guy said:


> The ONS is easier to get your spouse the help they need for making a bad and unhealthy choice's. In this case they are no were near as emotionally attached to AP/strange. They just need to learn the tools to live a healthier life.
> 
> The LTA is harder to get your spouse to see that their bad and unhealthy choice to tear a family unit apart cuz what they did or are doing is got them fogged into believing they have met their soul mate/true love and will be willing to leave there spouse, kids and loved ones behind.
> 
> But then again there is the cake eatrer that wants the best of both worlds.....and its up to the betrayed to tolorate it of not.


Is there a LTA where the WS is just having sex....not emotionally attached......they are still attached to their H/W and having a PA just for sexual gratification?

....and i don't fully understand the 'fog' when the AP is ugly or at the very least a down grade from the WS H/W!! How foggy does it get? Are they seriously so in awe of attention that they have glasses that see something 'not real'? :scratchhead:


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

YA.

starved for attention.

In my case it wasn;t so much one AP over a long period ...it was many AP over a long period.

It was the sex the was the currentcy my wife paid for the attention these men gave her.

I was giving Mrs. the guy the sex, it was the attension she wanted.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So the hunch back of Norter Dame could get some from Mrs. the guy.....and his currentcy was listening to her/telling her what she wanted to hear.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I thin k when it comes to ONS the wayward understands and knows its a fantasy...a bandaid that they use to get thru a sh1tty marriage.

With LTA I think the wayward hasn't a clue about the fantasy they are in...and the aftermath of their actions.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think there are different waywards. I believe there are several groupings...if you will.


----------



## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Depends on what is the *most* hurtful aspect of infidelity for you.

If it's body motivated, then the thought of fumbling around for a few minutes naked in a drunken state is as bad as a PA (ST or LT).

If it's intimacy motivated, then the EA will top both the PA and ONS.

For me it's 100% intimacy. In my mind the EA revs up the physical desire, planning sex, fantasizing etc. It's much worse than the act itself.

1. EA + PA
2. EA
3. PA
4. ONS

Though all still astonishingly painful.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> *Is there a LTA where the WS is just having sex....not emotionally attached*......they are still attached to their H/W and having a PA just for sexual gratification?
> 
> ....and i don't fully understand the 'fog' when the AP is ugly or at the very least a down grade from the WS H/W!! How foggy does it get? Are they seriously so in awe of attention that they have glasses that see something 'not real'? :scratchhead:


Regarding the bolded, yes. Ready my wife's story - Regret214. You'll have to look her up cuz it's from last year. My side of the story and our Q&A thread from last year has a lot about just that.

The xOM in our case is not as good looking as me. Her words and I've seen a pic of him - hell, I posted it on Cheaterville with an awesome profile. The fog, in her case, was her own selfishness. It clouded everything in her life.

The difference between a ONS and a LTA, IMO...nothing. It's betrayal at its worst either way.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

PastOM said:


> Depends on what is the *most* hurtful aspect of infidelity for you.
> 
> If it's body motivated, then the thought of fumbling around for a few minutes naked in a drunken state is as bad as a PA (ST or LT).
> 
> ...


:iagree: the emotional involvement is what would eat me alive...so for me personally EA would be worse followed by PA and then ONS.

But like you all say, All hurt like hell and nobody deserves such pain to be inflicted by someone who loves us!

I hope the WS now realise they might as well have taken a baseball bat to us and left us for dead!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

They all hurt as bad. But for me, a LTA is worse because of the emotional attachment AND the fact that so many months/years of your marriage are now a lie and so many holidays and occasions are now tainted.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> What is the difference between a spouse who has a full blown PA or EA or the spouse who has ONS / ONS's?
> 
> There is a difference yes?
> 
> Be happy to hear from BS and WS


Honestly a ONS with a stranger is even more a sign of problems than anything else. 

At least with a long term EA/PA it took time for boundaries to be pushed. The WW/S at least was able to resist the urge to screw up for a period of time. 

A ONS on the other hand, regardless of alcohol, or situation, is a sign that it doesn't take much for your WW/S to treat marital boundaries as if they don't apply. I mean seriously I could almost take my wife having an emotional affair that lasted six months before something else happened. Not that I would but at least it took more than a good pickup line and some sweet talking to get the panties to drop.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

*Seriously, what is the difference between a long term PA and someone who has ON*

An affair is not a mistake, it's a choice. A very bad choice.

There is absolutely nothing that can justify an affair. The WS is only making up excuses to justify their behavior when they don't take responsibility for what they have done.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would guess that a single ONS would be one thing, but multiple ONS's would be something else entirely...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I guess you have a combination of things:

Say a "one off" ONS - no pattern before or since. It might genuinely have shocked the WS into never doing it again after realising how low they can sink.

A series of ONSs - that is probably the hardest in terms of future trust. It shows that the WS has no boundaries at all and no respect for themselves. How could that be fixed without industrial strength surveillance and double checking (more likely not allowed out on own ever again).

A long term PA for "love" - this is what my wife had. It hurts all the time that she "loved" another man. The intimacy, the little looks, what they talked about. The intimate knowledge of each other that must have developed. The most difficult thing for me to understand is why she kept up the pretence of a "normal" marriage whilst doing it. Was it for the sex? I don't think so, she has always said she did it for love. I don't know which is worse.

Anyway, I don't believe she will do that again, so the problem with the long term PA for love is in the past and the hurt and respect issues it brings up.

The long term PA for sex. We're back to future trust on that one. It is, in my opinion, more or less the same as a series of one night stands, but without the hassle and danger of getting done by a stranger.

Finally: an EA. I thought my wife had been having an EA at first so I know what it's like to have to deal with that. I am sorry to say it was a heck of a lot easier than dealing with the PA when that surfaced. It hurt and it caused trust issues and it was confusing, but the pain was not in the same ball park.

I don't see how one can be "worse" or "better", although I wish with all my heart that my wife had only had the EA.

edit: Just a thought, but some of this is backed up by trickle truth. At first, my wife (as many do) said they had only had sex a couple of times. That hurt. Then it was for 6 months. That hurt more. As the full realisation hit me (she didn't ever volunteer the information) it was like looking down a bottomless well and falling down it at the same time, except it wasn't bottomless. There were spikes at the bottom. Big blunt spikes that hurt like nothing else when I ended up on them and they are still in there now. 

So a typical trickle truth is:

I like this other person
We like each other. A lot.
We kissed and we like each other lots. In fact, it was probably love.
We did more than kiss. A few fumbles in the car.
Sex. A few times.
Lots of sex.
Lots of sex. I made sure it happened. We had crazy sex. We didn't use a condom. Etc. etc.

That surely gives the "definition" of which hurts more, as that's the order "they" break it to us isn't it


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

badbane said:


> Honestly a ONS with a stranger is even more a sign of problems than anything else.
> 
> At least with a long term EA/PA it took time for boundaries to be pushed. The WW/S at least was able to resist the urge to screw up for a period of time.
> 
> A ONS on the other hand, regardless of alcohol, or situation, is a sign that it doesn't take much for your WW/S to treat marital boundaries as if they don't apply. I mean seriously I could almost take my wife having an emotional affair that lasted six months before something else happened. Not that I would but at least it took more than a good pickup line and some sweet talking to get the panties to drop.



I can't personally agree with your statement Bad.......and I wonder if it all depends on how our WS cheated on us! Or maybe what gender they are?

I understand what you are saying, about *"at least it took more than a good pickup line and some sweet talking to get the panties to drop"* 

My H had ONS, and its disgusting that a married man can lower himself to this filthy level.....but for the life of me, being a married woman with children, I cannot understand any married woman who can be so easy! But each of the ONS my H had were married colleagues! Dirty b*tches!

Not sure I could have dealt with an EA or PA


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The law recognizes that there is a fundamental difference between killing someone in a drunken brawl and committing premeditated murder. It's the making plans, buying supplies, working out the details in your head, going through a checklist of the plan as you carry it out - that creates pre-meditated murder. 

A single ONS is that drunken brawl. The victim is dead, the perpetrator is going to jail. But no one thinks the perp got up that morning and planned to end up smashing a pool cue over some dude's head a little too hard. A series of poor choices resulted in a terrible, tragic, mistake. 

With a LTA, or a series of "trolling for sex" ONS's, there is premeditation. That person got up that morning and planned all the necessary details to commit adultery. They lied to their spouse over breakfast, made excuses to leave work early, met at a hotel under a fictitious name, deleted any incriminating emails or texts, showered before heading home, and lied to their spouse over dinner. And got up the next morning planning to do it all over again, and again, and again. With knowledge and malice aforethought.

That's the difference for me. That my husband woke up in the morning and planned his day around the best way to pick up some strange without me finding out. That he spent a few minutes each day deleting texts, pictures and emails of his sexting so I wouldn't stumble across anything I shouldn't see. That he came home from work each evening thinking about how to get rid of me so he could spend time with his AP. That it wasn't just a drunken mistake, something that went to far - but was, instead, a series of premeditated, carefully thought out and planned, betrayals committed with full knowledge of what he was doing.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

All deal breakers for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

A ONS is primarily about sex. A PA is about an emotional connection, sex, deception, over a LONG term.

Both are damaging, but a PA is definitely more damaging - in my opinion, because of all the elements of deception, long-term betrayal and emotional disconnect.


----------



## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Rowan said:


> The law recognizes that there is a fundamental difference between killing someone in a drunken brawl and committing premeditated murder. It's the making plans, buying supplies, working out the details in your head, going through a checklist of the plan as you carry it out - that creates pre-meditated murder.


Rowan - sorry that it happened to you. You raise a really interesting perspective here. The law also provides for insanity defenses (mental incapacity), coercion, and duress. How do you relate the idea of an affair "fog" to the LTA? Is it relevant at all?


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Rowan - sorry that it happened to you. You raise a really interesting perspective here. The law also provides for insanity defenses (mental incapacity), coercion, and duress. How do you relate the idea of an affair "fog" to the LTA? Is it relevant at all?


Hmm, perhaps I'm not one to speak to such "defenses" as those. My husband is a serial cheater. While it would be relevant to discuss personality disorders, character flaws, etc., there is no power on earth that would move me to believe he was so foggy as to be mentally incapacitated, nor that he was coerced or under duress. He simply believed that whatever he did when out of my presence was none of my business. Entitlement, not "fog".


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

My guy had a premeditated ONS. He spent two weeks texting her and calling her. Slept together twice in a 2 hour period and that was it. He tried getting together with her again twice after that, but she didn't answer his calls. 

It sucks...when your partner has sex with another person, despite the length of time...it just plain sucks.


----------



## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> My guy had a premeditated ONS. He spent two weeks texting her and calling her. Slept together twice in a 2 hour period and that was it. He tried getting together with her again twice after that, but she didn't answer his calls.
> 
> *It sucks...when your partner has sex with another person, despite the length of time...it just plain sucks.*


....I agree it sucks ...more than anyone who's never experienced that type of pain can ever imagine. I actually have tried to go that route (in my head) ....that my wife's ONS was a drunken, yet still, heinous mistake. Unfortunately it doesn't even come close to trying to lessen the pain.....


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LRgirl said:


> What is the difference between a spouse who has a full blown PA or EA or the spouse who has ONS / ONS's?
> 
> There is a difference yes?
> 
> Be happy to hear from BS and WS


ONS -- This is a spouse just acting on an impulse. No deep emotional connection. I very direct decision. No alcohol is no excuse. Choosing to impair ones brain function is not an excuse. Dealbreaker for me.

EA -- Folks in early EAs typically have poor boundaries and do not believe they are in an EA. They are just close friends. Theese are emotional. In a full blown EA these are truning romantic which can turn sexual. These happen with "friends", coworkers and internet connections. Sometimes former school EXs. These things need to be caught early. Early EA is something I feel I could R over ... maybe. However, not a long term. EAs cause real live damage.

PA -- Dealbreaker for me. These may or may not have started as an EA. Most EAs do not involve initial intent. However those engaging quickly in a PA are intentionally choosing this from the get go. 

There are nuances here i.e. CA, Cyber Affairs that are sexual in nature and not emotional. There are also just random Cyber Sex. Either is a dealbreaker for me.

Inappropriate Behavior --> Unfaithfulness --> Cheating

My boundary of acceptance is NOT Cheating. It is early in the Unfaithful region. Unfaithfulness is my real dealbreaker. This is typically way way before PIV sex.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> It depends. *A drunken ONS swayed by some influence (peer pressure, party atmosphere etc) that can be avoided in future is not as devastating IMO. *
> 
> ONS listed in order of least to most devastating IMO:
> *drunken and out of town with an distant acquaintance or Hooker
> ...


I respect this opinion. It is a common one.

However in no way would I spend my life with a person as weak as this. These are NOT mistakes. They are choices. If a person puts themselves into a situation where drinking and peer pressure would cause them to cheat then the first unfaithful act was putting themselves into that situation. People are always saying they are adults and need to be trusted. Then they turn around and claim they have no control over themselves. Buzzzzz. Thanks for playing. A drunk driver who kills a family is still very guilty. This is why it is against the law to drive drunk. I have been plenty drunk in my life from time to time. Never have I been so drunk I did not know that sticking my penis in someone else was cheating. I can't speak for a woman spreading her legs for another guy. But to be sure it did not get started with penetration. Playing just the tip will lead to ONSs. I guess part of the allure for GNOs is that sex could happen for some even if the intent is not there that night. Sexy fun gone wild. Ooopsie. 

Also, just my opinion most EAs exist in the context of very close opposite sex friends. So just saying it is a huge gray area between close friends to full blown EA. Sexual activity is much less gray. In an EA one can feel fine with what they are doing and their feelings because is feels ok. brain chemicals. However one makes a real choice when penetrating. Nothing gray there. But indeed I do think an affair has become a PA once sexual contact like kissing begins. It is an amazingly short leap from kissing / groping to full on sex.

The other thing is that when one discovers an affair one has to wonder if this is the persons first rodeo. It really comes down to life style choices, naivete and poor boundaries. As usual I suggest that a spouse be in tune and involved with the other to watch each others backs. Those who just want to be trusted often just want to be able to shoot from the hip and make the choice whether to cheat or not cheat on their own. They may not intend to cheat but they enjoy pushing the boundaries and do not want their style cramped by a jealou, insecure and controlling spouse who might call them on their risky activities. So again for me the dealbreakers are in the life style. YMMV.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> ONS -- This is a spouse just acting on an impulse. No deep emotional connection. I very direct decision. No alcohol is no excuse. Choosing to impair ones brain function is not an excuse. Dealbreaker for me.
> 
> EA -- Folks in early EAs typically have poor boundaries and do not believe they are in an EA. They are just close friends. Theese are emotional. In a full blown EA these are truning romantic which can turn sexual. These happen with "friends", coworkers and internet connections. Sometimes former school EXs. These things need to be caught early. Early EA is something I feel I could R over ... maybe. However, not a long term. EAs cause real live damage.
> 
> ...



Hi Entropy......can I ask, Are you a BS or WS or neither?

I ask because 100% I spent my whole life believing that if my Husband cheat on me, in any way, they would be gone.....what ever the situation!!

It wouldn't be something I would ever tolerate in any situation, in any circumstance....

But you quickly realise that life is not black and white and you can _never_ say how you will react to something that has never happened.....

Believe me, I know


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

If you ask me, a long term EA/PA is worse. 
But, if you ask my wife, ONS are worse. 

Depends on who you ask, i reckon. 
The real thought i have is not which hurts worse, or the "difference" in any sense. 
There is no difference. Both indicate no boundaries, entitlement, selfishness, immaturity and complete and utter disrespect for your spouse, your marriage, and more importantly _yourself_.
That is something i learned the hard way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

In addition to the stuff others have mentioned like the repeating pattern of intent... 

The date triggers. For me, my birthday, easter, her birthday, birthday parties in general, mothers day, Halloween, thanksgiving, xmas, new years all have trigger memories associated with them now. As does her car, my house, her phone, her office, her habits, the gym, personal trainers, facebook, GNO’s, happy hours, specific movies (half a dozen of them), “racy” books, sexting, skype, IM’s......... even stupid little stuff like orchids, watches, and jewelry. The list of betrayed things and how goes on and on and on. 

To R, she had to change her lifestyle completely. And yet, there is still so much around that I can associate with some role in her adulterous lifestyle that I suffer through every day being reminded. Absolutely unavoidable things even like our very own kids when she gets mad at them (valid) and I will haul up several specific memories that at one point she treated the whole family like an inconvenience that got in the way of her ‘happiness’ and got angry at us for petty little things... I get edgy extremely fast. Even sex is sort of ruined now for me; It is NOT without dirty feelings about her and resentment.... And lets not mention ‘attraction levels’ and the damage done there; An adulterous spouse is not a turn on. Ugh. 

And she’s had ONS’s, EA’s, and LTPA’s... carried on over years.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Racer said:


> In addition to the stuff others have mentioned like the repeating pattern of intent...
> 
> The date triggers. For me, my birthday, easter, her birthday, birthday parties in general, mothers day, Halloween, thanksgiving, xmas, new years all have trigger memories associated with them now. As does her car, my house, her phone, her office, her habits, the gym, personal trainers, facebook, GNO’s, happy hours, specific movies (half a dozen of them), “racy” books, sexting, skype, IM’s......... even stupid little stuff like orchids, watches, and jewelry. The list of betrayed things and how goes on and on and on.
> 
> ...


That right there :iagree: its hard to see past it


----------

