# How to cope?



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Wow! I wish I had noticed this board sooner! So, here's my scenario. My husband and I have been married for nearly 12 years and together for 15. About 6 months before we got married, he started having testicular pain. It was on and off at first, but has become increasingly worse. During our marriage, he has had three knee surgeries, one 48 hour stay in the psych ward for a steroid overdose, and six surgeries to try to help with the testicular pain. 

Five years ago, just before it got really bad, he had an affair. He told me about it a week after I had quit my job and moved away from my entire support group. So there I was 400 miles away from my family and unemployed with a three year old son and a cheating husband. He continued the affair for about two months after I arrived, until I gave him an ultimatum. He hasn't worked since that time, and all six of the surgeries for his testicular pain have taken place since then.

Last summer, we moved, again, to be near my older children from a previous marriage. I have three grandchildren here, so it was killing me to be 1400 miles away. He has always had anger issues, but they have been magnified since we've been down here. He's never gotten along really well with my daughter, but he can't even hear her name without coming uncorked, now. I moved here to be near her, but I can't even speak her name, now.

I've asked him to see a psychiatrist to have his meds adjusted. He's been on the same anti-depressant at the same dosage for 4 - 5 years. Nothin' doin'. That was January, and it still hasn't happened, even though I've mentioned it on a couple of other occasions. I told him that I understood that we may never have sex, again, and I can deal with that, but I still need the intimacy, the closeness, the hand-holding, and to know that I and my feelings matter to him. I told him that I feel like an androgenous care-giver. I work 45 minutes from home, so I'm gone nearly 11 hours out of the day. I come home, wash the dishes, prepare supper, make sure our 9 year old son gets his shower and gets to bed on time, then I either do my homework (I'm going to school online) or sit in uncomfortable silence. Oh, or we fight. Oh weekends, I do all of the laundry, homework, the grocery shopping, and take care of the yardwork. 

I had been telling him for the past couple of years before we moved down here that I was worried about our marriage. We were becoming roommates. Nothing changed. So, two months ago, when I told him that I wasn't happy and wanted marriage counseling, he rolled his eyes at me. When I insisted, he agreed grudgingly. We went to one session in early April, just prior to yet another surgery. This surgery took place 7 hours from our home, so we had to go stay in a hotel for a week. 

Just before we left, he walked into our bedroom when I was changing for bed. Without thinking, I pulled my nightgown up to hide my nudity. After he left the room, I realized what I had done. I couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen me nude. Then, when we were in the hotel, he reached around me in bed and grabbed my breast. It made me very uncomfortable. I knew I had to talk with him. I told him, once again, how unhappy I'd been. He asked me if I was still in love with him. Truthfully, I hadn't even thought about it. I'd just been going through the motions of our every day life. Once he asked me, though, I realized that I still care for him very deeply, but I am no longer in love with him.

We've been to two more sessions with the marriage counselor, but each time, he tells me he feels attacked and ganged up on. He has done nothing that the counselor suggested, so I stopped making appointments. If he's not going to try, I'm not going to spend the money. I started speaking with a counselor individually over the phone (still trying to get an in-person counselor that takes my insurance). He suggested a couple of books on anger management written for men. I ordered both of them, but was told that they wouldn't be read. He didn't lie. They're sitting on the bookshelf. On our two last visits to the marriage counselor, she strongly suggested that he go see a psychiatrist. Only when I gave him another ultimatum, did he relent. His appointment is scheduled for next Thursday. I'm not holding my breath that he'll actually go.

He has done nothing that I've asked in order to help put our marriage back together. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he wants our marriage to work. I told him that I believed him, but I also believe that he wants ME to be the one to make it work. I told him that I've done it all by myself for far too long, and I can't do it any more. 

I worry about his mental health if I leave with our son. I know that, with his disability check and the government services he would qualify for without my income, he would be fine financially. I have found a place that I can afford without his SSID check. I just don't know when enough is enough. We're both miserable. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of not being taken seriously. I'm tired of not mattering. I don't want to give up too soon, but I also don't want to lose my sanity while I'm waiting. I feel so empty and alone. I just want to be happy, again. 

Any advice?


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## Whiner (May 22, 2013)

This sounds awful. He has reasons for his issues, but nothing about the relationship sounds healthy. Is he at all good to your son? If he isn't at least affectionate to his child, what is he offering to you as as a family? I think he might need sympathy and support but how about from a distance? He seems to have mistaken you for his nurse! In fact, he's mistaken you for a door mat. It's got to be tough, but I think you have reason to take action.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Whiner said:


> He seems to have mistaken you for his nurse! In fact, he's mistaken you for a door mat.


Whiner,

I've told him that I wanted to be his wife, not his mother and his maid. He just doesn't get it. He's waiting for me to cave. I just don't think I can, this time. I'm so tired. Our son loves him, but I've seen the hurt in his eyes far too many times when my husband is in one of his moods. I know that our son will be hurt initially, but I think that eventually he'll be better off for not having to walk on egg shells constantly. I worry that I might be jumping the gun, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in this same position five more years down the road. 

Thank you for your response.
Mattsmom


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## Whiner (May 22, 2013)

Matts mom,

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can move in a direction that's good for you & your son. I know it's a lot easier to say than to do, but I think you ought to go. I've only heard your side and not his but I don't think this is about punishing him; it's about saving yourself. As for your son, I think sometimes you have to settle for the parent-confidence that you are doing the right thing for him even if it hurts him. Sometimes that's what we have to do as parents. It's just my opinion, but there it is. Let us know how you are doing as you work through this.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Okay, so who's the whiner, now?! Yesterday, I got some news that was very, very upsetting to me. I told my husband what happened, and he uttered a short, noncommittal response, and went to the living room to lie down. I sat at my desk and cried, alone. Last night when we went to bed, we were talking about our current state of affairs, and I asked him about what had happened. He said that he was surprised that I wasn't crying and making a scene. I told him that I was very upset and crying. He said he knew that I cried. 

So, I asked him why he didn't say anything to me, or make any effort to comfort me. His response was, "Honestly, I just didn't think about it." I told him that was a prime example of why I feel like I don't matter. I need to matter. If I am not going to matter to him, I feel like I would be better off to leave and at least be free to matter to myself and my son.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Honestly, I would of left after the affair. I can not forgive a betrayal like that no matter what the "reasons" were. I'm very sorry this happened.

If you do stay in this marriage, he needs to at least come to a compromise. I see why he isn't listening to you. You are giving him demands like a parent would to their child(the book reference and telling him to see his doctor). I hate being told what to do from anyone. There's a big difference from my husband telling me what to do then asking and coming to a compromise. I'm really not trying to be mean at all, but I wouldn't listen to you either unless you were willing to compromise. Which you may have tried. If he won't even compromise, then he's not working on the marriage. I'm not on your husbands side, but this is how I see it. Maybe there's another way to approach this.

You pulled away because you were not emotionally connected. 

You have been through a lot with your husband, stood by his side and supported him through quite a bit.

I don't think you should cope. I think your husband needs to get on board and work with you on your marriage.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

In Love,

I really didn't TELL him to read the books or see the psychiatrist. I'm way to passive for that. I have asked him to, though. He's made it clear that he's not going to read the books, because he doesn't like to read. However, he was sure about to buy a book today when we were shopping (true crime). I asked him to see a psychiatrist to get his meds adjusted and to get some IC, but he told me that therapy is a waste of time. 

Honestly, I can deal with the affair. I can't deal with my feelings not mattering. I've made our marriage work by myself for a very long time. Now, I'm just tired. I need him to think about me and my feelings, but he's become a very self-centered person. It breaks my heart for my son, but I also have to think about what he's learning from us. I'm so tired of crying. I just wish there was someone to tell me definitively what I should do. Unfortunately, I guess that has to be me. 



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Honestly, I would of left after the affair. I can not forgive a betrayal like that no matter what the "reasons" were. I'm very sorry this happened.
> 
> If you do stay in this marriage, he needs to at least come to a compromise. I see why he isn't listening to you. You are giving him demands like a parent would to their child(the book reference and telling him to see his doctor). I hate being told what to do from anyone. There's a big difference from my husband telling me what to do then asking and coming to a compromise. I'm really not trying to be mean at all, but I wouldn't listen to you either unless you were willing to compromise. Which you may have tried. If he won't even compromise, then he's not working on the marriage. I'm not on your husbands side, but this is how I see it. Maybe there's another way to approach this.
> 
> ...


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Well, here's a fun update. I finally got the hubs (after another ultimatum) to see a psychiatrist. My hope was that he would go and get his antidepressants adjusted, as he's been on the same drug at the same dose for several years. He came back with a diagnosis of PTSD from childhood trauma. That was Friday afternoon.

Friday evening, we went out to a nice dinner. My oldest son offered our 9 year old to spend the night, so we took full advantage. Dinner went well. He took some of his new prescription anti-anxiety meds on the way home and passed out. He was talking in his sleep with his eyes wide open. Scared the stuff out of me! When we got home, the fight started. It ended with him saying that he would just leave.

When we got up Saturday morning, the fight pretty much resumed, but now he's blaming me for quitting on our relationship. I told him that he was the one that was going to leave, not me. Of course, the fight ends the same... me sobbing wondering what in the world I'm supposed to do. Saturday afternoon he comes and begs me to give him one more chance, swearing on his mother's grave that he'll never hurt me again. I agree to continue to try.

A little background, I work as a dispatcher for a plumbing company. In order to get the raise I needed to afford the house that my husband wanted to live in, I had to agree to be on call 24/7. Sunday afternoon, one of the plumbers calls in to let me know that he'd left some information for me on my desk, because he was leaving to do some training out of town and would be gone for several days. My husband flew into a jealous tantrum asking me why he had to call me if he was out of town, and all but accusing me of having an affair. He apologized, again, later on, but I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. 

Am I being unfair? He just got his PTSD diagnosis on Friday. He and I both know, though, that I'm very vulnerable to allowing him to use this as a reason to make me stay.


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