# i thought i was a good guy



## mug (Feb 23, 2011)

on the 16th of january my wife of 8 years said she wanted time apart , she loved me but wasnt in love with me. i moved out house to give her space.we have 2 children but i still seen them every day but i was staying with parents . 4 weeks later she phones to tell me she is seeing someone else for the past 2 weeks and his wife has just been on phone saying she is getting named on there divorce . what happend to doing the right thing?


----------



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm really sorry you find yourself here. I know how you feel. It's devastating to think that the person that you thought you knew, the person you thought that you could count on for the rest of your life, could act so selfish and heartless. 

The one thing that I know in my head, but I struggle with in my heart, is that this is not about you. She obviously was seeing this person before making the decision to find her "space". She is a broken person who is running away to escape real life for her fantasy world. 

I'm not sure if you have any thoughts about what you want to do now and whether she's said anything about trying to reconcile, but those answers will come later. For now, be kind to yourself, post here, read other people's stories and try to get into your own counselor if you can. This is a long, rocky road that will bring you probably more pain than you've ever felt. But, little by little, no matter what the ultimate outcome, things will get better. Hang in there.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

agreed, she has been seeing this person for more than a couple of weeks, and pretty agree with the rest of what blownaway wrote.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yes, she had an affair. This isn't an "after the fact" thing. Visit the Men's Clubhouse for more info on what happens to nice guys. I'm afraid you were too nice and you stepped out of the way. He obviously wronged his wife as well. I would do a 180 and take care of yourself. Only she can decide if her marriage is worth working on. Good luck.


----------



## mug (Feb 23, 2011)

thanks for your post. i dont think i can feel any worse i still love her and cant understand how she could do this to me. the worst thing thing is i am still friends with her and see her every day. i am back in my house now and she is with her mum and our kids. because i moved back in the house that i paid for myself for the past 5 years . im not proud of whats happened but i never wanted this . when i found out she was with this other person i went and punched a hole in the door (the kids were staying away that night) but she was in there with him. i dont feel there is any other option i cant let her take someone else into the home that i am paying for.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She has been involved a lot longer, as others say. I'm so sorry you are finding out all this now. You need to accept that she has been cheating on you if you want to heal and move forward. 

If you want to work on the marriage, start counseling and ask your wife to join you. Get individual counseling too; you have a long road ahead. Remember that just b/c the other couple is filing for divorce, it does not mean that divorce will happen. Your wife may find herself out in the cold. If, during the time that drama plays out, you are making yourself a better person, figuring out how you may have contributed to the break-down of the marriage that she then chose to disrespect by cheating, and working on yourself, you may be in a position to re-connect with her, or to make the decision that you deserve better. Either way, YOU will be happier. Keep the kids at the center--that means no blaming her in front of them, no fighting in front of them. Expect 50/50 custody and insist on it from day 1. It will take time for everything to unfold, so if you aren't used to taking great care of yourself--through exercise, time with friends, doing things you really enjoy on your own and with your kids, start now. Shape a life that is full without her, and if you find a way to repair the marriage, great; if not, you and your children will be fine. They need you to rise above the ugliness and take the high road, as hard as that will be. For their sakes, do it. You will never regret that b/c they will learn from your example to be stronger, better people too. You may not see that for years, but you will be so proud when you do. Good luck.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Punching through the door could be used against you when it comes to questions of custody, so work on controlling your temper. Yes, you have every right to want to punch down a door, but doing it is another matter. Try to channel all that anger and sadness into something more constructive. Easier said than done, I know. But again, for the sake of your own future, work on it. That's the best you can promise to yourself. 

If it is too hard seeing her, then go "no contact" and arrange to see/pick up the kids when she's not around. Whateve helps you maintain your integrity, do it. Don't feel you "should" be strong enough to see her without feeling so awful, and don't act on the very legitimate feelings that she deserves nothing but ugliness from you. It won't help, and it will add vastly to the trauma your kids suffer b/c it will affect them one way or another.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude I'm so sorry you fell for the olds line in the book.

I need space = I want time with other man.

But no w that your sh*t dep in it, I suggest you move back in before OM does. Blame it on no money or your parents want you out but you must get back in the home, oune way or another. Just remember keep it cool and shumus her over with kindness and some how get back in. Don't force it you don't need any cops.

Once you get back home then you can think about the OM, and how to get rid of him.

In fact, right now go to affaircare and read up on how to end an affair. 

It is a bugus deal when you try to be nice but when you are being lied to you will pay. So the next thing you need to do is protect your self from any more pain. Investigate when this OM came in to the picture. Remember do it quitely and do not let it effect the plan to back into the house. Just start gathering the information that will protect you and support you in getting her to leave or end the affair once you are back in. To not tell her any thing with regards to OM, remember the "wink wink" is getting back home then you can start fighting for your marraige.
So what ever you do make sure you give no ideas that once you are homew you will strat fighting this thing.

Do not make any aggresive moves unless there is no way you are moving back in. If this option is completely shout down then you can protect your self by canceling credit cards, bank account, and so on. 

Those thing are important but I suggest you move back in berfore you go down that road. You want her to believe that everything is ok, fine and dandy.....then bamb once your home you can aggresivly fight for the marraige.

That is if you want to fight, if you don't want to fight then make this affair as conveinent aspossible and walk away.

What do you want to do about your marriage?


----------



## mug (Feb 23, 2011)

it wasnt directed at her it was him he was a so called friend . he is lucky im not a violent person because it could have quite easily went a very different way. my kids are the only thing thats keeping me going . i just dont want to be living on false hope i need to deal with it she wants a separation agreement ,had letter from lawyer but it says at bottom she is not liable wtf i dont want to cause anything that would make me see the kids less but what do i do


----------



## mug (Feb 23, 2011)

im sorry i seem like a prick but i love my wife no matter what she is the only person i have been with my whole life im 29 and been with her 13 years this **** is hard . im a tad drunk so sorry but a drink helps me sleep.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This has been going on for quite some time probably. Get details from the other wife if you can.


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Hey Mug, your not a prick...your just another husband whose tried to do right and got taken advantage of...

There is no other man that caused my wife's and my separation, I was just having an affair with beer...I stopped and she still moved...I took my 16 year old out of town the weekend she was to move, and when we got back, she was suppose to be long gone...but was still moving...I went totally whackers and dropped the f-bomb more times than I have in my entire life, she could have called and told us she was running late...it was ugly, but it felt really great!!! I'm not proud of it, but it felt REALLY great...we left, my wife begged my son to stay with her, and he said no "Dad needs me"...I have never been more proud of him than I was then...

Long story short, we are working hard to make things right between us...but it was because I let her go and spent the next 2 months making myself right...recently, I've forgiven myself for drinking too much, have that under control...and she has noticed...

I also took those 2 months to have no contact with her unless I needed to talk to her about finances or the kids (we have 3 and since then, a grandchild)...the less I talked to her, the more it seemed she found reason to talk to me...

go undercover my man!


----------



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

How could you ever say that you're a prick? Loving and trusting your spouse and hoping with all of your heart that they will love you back is not being a prick. In fact, it's about the least "pricky" thing that a person can do. 

Your life is going to go through some big, unwanted changes at this point. We've all kicked and screamed and tried to prevent the worst from happening in our own ways. 

Take all the advice you've been given and try to just breathe right now. Find a good counselor so that you can really get a handle on the mindset of a disloyal spouse. IC and going on to these forums has really helped me to try to understand. My head, in many ways, gets it. I don't believe my heart ever will, but knowledge sort of helps.

The thing that does help the most - and you will at first see this as completely counterintuitive - is the 180/no contact route. Because kids are involved, commit to just having contact when it involves the kids or finances. And not all kid issues - only the ones that she needs to know for safety or emergency's sake. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but it will help you to detach from her. It will be little by little and it will hurt your soul, but it will help you. Trust us. It will help. 

In the meantime, please be kind to yourself and take things slow. It's an awful place to be, but you won't be here forever.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

mug,
I sounded like a nut,but it takes me so long to type, by the time I'm done you and others have replied.

I'm glad your back home.

The 180 works, but I'm feeling like your wife is holding your kids hostage, or at the very least you have a perseption that you will lose your kids and will sacrifice you dignity to prevent them from being taken.

Stop, you will not loose your kids, so you do need to protect your self from that. Do not beg or plead, and cring is so unattractive. The most important thing you want to personify is confidence. As hard as it is for you, you must make your wife believe that you love her but you will as not tolorate her behavior and will move on with out her.

God I know how hard it is, but the best thing I did was turn off the water works and act and I mean act like I had my sh*t together and I was not going to share my wife and I was moving on.

Distance your self from your wife, take the kids out as much as you can and then some, right know they are your rock and as strong and confident as you act in front of them, you need to do the same thing in front of your wife.

She needs to believe that you are stronger and more confident then your realy are. Don't let her see you weak. If she believes that you are manning up and moving on with out her, and she has the perseption that you are moving forward she will second guess her dicisions.

Right now she think you will alway be there for her b/c of the kids. get her thinking that you will always be there for the kid but not her. 

See people always want what they can have, show her in the way you act...with confidence and strength that you will not have her as long as she is with OM.

Distance your self from her, take all your focus and direct it to making you a better man...a better father.

You cant control her or her felling so don't try. control what you can control and thats your self and how you act. 

We all know how hard this crap is just don't let your wife know that. It may take awhile but when she does notice you moving on she will take notice.

And by the way make this affair as difficult as possible, she is still married and you want to work on the marriage. So tell every one that your wife is still married to you and the OM is seeing a married women. Expose this to the OM family, parent, his bothers and sister.

Does your wifes family know that she is seeing someone and that you want the marriage?

I would think that if the OM's family knew he was seeing a married woman they may have something to say about it. Expose this. Let every one know that I want my marriage to work, we are not devorced and until such time you will continue to fight for your family.


----------



## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

i went through almost EXACTLY what you did....my ex wife told me she needed space then a month later was with another man...i did the whole crying / depression infront of her, the pleading etc, believe me it doesnt work!

what the guy said is preety much exactly what you need to do, be there for your kids...dont talk to your wife unless u need to for the kids / finances. Move on with your life as best you can, your wife will see the change and will second guess herself, even if she doesnt show it to you, it will probably destroy her affair...

as for the parents? i think it best to not tell them anything, as your wife will more than likely tell them anyway. I talked to my ex parents in laws and it was useless, they just wanted to protect my ex wife and that was that, they didnt care what she had done or how she had done it.Although i must say i never thought about tracking down the OM's parents, that i must say would be interesting but again i really dont think that would do much...except make you stay messed up in it all....

as hard as it is you just need to get yourself strong, both emotionally and physically, treat your kids with love as you already are doing and thats all that matters, eventually you will either have your wife come back to you or you will meet someone better! i know now that i have seen faults in my ex wife that i was oblivious too before and have realized that i would never want to be with her again, but when it first happend my emotions didnt even let me think about it....so hopefully you can take what you need from all the people here and get your life back on track as quickly as possible.

good luck and dont forget everyone on these forums is here to help


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

With regard to exposing to the parents and spouses of both parties here, is not to get messed up in it but to ask for support in rebuilding the marriage.
You don't want to go out there and say "hey your son or husband is having an affair with my wife" approach as such that you and your wife are having problems and are tring to work it out, and so and so is interfering with the efferts and you would like ther support in rebuilding the marriage.

In this case it is also nice to have evidence that would confirm the the affair, for many they will find it hard to believe that there loved you could do something that evil.


----------

