# I just don't want to have sex.



## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I have never had a strong sex drive, but when I dated I seemed to have no problems being active. When I got married, my wife gained a significant amount of weight (80lb) and we didn't have sex much for 2 years. I let her know it was simply because I wasn't attracted to her.

Fast forward a bit, it's a year later, she has lost some weight but even now when we have sex I see things jiggling and there's too much to "grab". I am NOT attracted to big women and she doesn't seem to want to fix anything.

I love her, and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life - but when we get down to the flesh I lose desire.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think you can force yourself to be attracted to her. if you're not, then you're not. at least you were honest with her. that's all you can be. would you divorce her over it? i told my H if he gains x amount of weight that i would divorce him. Not just because of the weight gain, but the lifestyle for such weight gain is a huge health issue. I wouldnt want to live with someone that doesnt care enough about their health to want to stick around for the kids. 

Just curious- how much porn do you watch? im not trying to imply anything, honestly. are you in shape?


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I don't watch much porn, being 100% honest. I find the people in most porn to be dirty and unattractive.

I am in good shape. I hike, scuba dive and run as my primary hobbies. I'm no Lance Armstrong but my wife has admitted fairly often that I am a really good looking fit, happy guy and she has no idea what I am doing with her.

She is on another one of her weekly weight loss kicks where she goes all in for 2 weeks, loses 8lbs then gives up. If she fails this time, I am seriously considering leaving her. I can't handle the idea of an obese woman carrying my baby and leaving it at risk for major diseases, just because she is lazy. That makes no sense to me at all.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

jeffreygropp said:


> I have never had a strong sex drive, but when I dated I seemed to have no problems being active. When I got married, my wife gained a significant amount of weight (80lb) and we didn't have sex much for 2 years. I let her know it was simply because I wasn't attracted to her.


You sound like a really nice guy who knows what really matters in life.


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## time4thefuture (Jun 10, 2010)

Ihave a similar problem. I am female and just do not desire sex. I am older and engage to a wonderful man, and we live together. 3 months now. We are planning on getting married in September. My libido is extremely low. I wish there was a magic ption. My fiancee is the horniest man that I have ever ever met. I realize that it is not a good scenario, but we love each oher deeply. I am just concerned about the marriage with sex only 2 to 3 times per week, and still only doing it to make tings o.k..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I read an article about the winners of the show "the biggest loser". The article did a follow up on all of them. Almost all had gained back a lot of the weight they lost. 

Once someone becomes really obese, it is very very rare for them to lose the weight and KEEP IT OFF. If the weight really kills your desire - that is bad for you and her. 

Even if she lost the weight temporarily, having a child would very likely bring it all back. 

There are men who are attracted to heavy women, let her find one before you have a kid which will make it more difficult for her to find a mate who desires her. 





jeffreygropp said:


> I don't watch much porn, being 100% honest. I find the people in most porn to be dirty and unattractive.
> 
> I am in good shape. I hike, scuba dive and run as my primary hobbies. I'm no Lance Armstrong but my wife has admitted fairly often that I am a really good looking fit, happy guy and she has no idea what I am doing with her.
> 
> She is on another one of her weekly weight loss kicks where she goes all in for 2 weeks, loses 8lbs then gives up. If she fails this time, I am seriously considering leaving her. I can't handle the idea of an obese woman carrying my baby and leaving it at risk for major diseases, just because she is lazy. That makes no sense to me at all.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> You sound like a really nice guy who knows what really matters in life.


I am a bad guy because I know what I am attracted to and I know what I like?

I want you to have sex with a man. If you don't, I will judge you and cynically comment on everything you post moving forward.

Grow up.


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## Its all about her (Jun 7, 2010)

Is there anyway you can encourage her with her workout and diet program? Maybe work out together and eat healthy together. Try something that fits both of your levels of fitness like bicycling or walking. Let her know you appreciate her trying to get in shape and that you are totally behind her.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

jeffreygropp said:


> I am a bad guy because I know what I am attracted to and I know what I like?
> 
> I want you to have sex with a man. If you don't, I will judge you and cynically comment on everything you post moving forward.
> 
> Grow up.


I'm sorry, but you came across as superficial. You went off your wife becuase she gained weight. I wonder how much you cherished and nurtured her before that. Yeah, I'm not always sweetness and light, sorry.

If you just want yes-men, try running for President. If you want to grow, the toughest guys are your best friends.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> I'm sorry, but you came across as superficial. You went of your wife becuase she gained weight. I wonder how much you cherished and nurtured her before that. Yeah, I'm not always sweetness and light, sorry.
> 
> If you just want yes-men, try running for President. If you want to grow, the toughest guys are your best friends.


I am a very good guy who takes care of my wife and loves her deeply. She has everything, including love. I am also super confident in who I am and what I like. If I was attracted to obesity, I would not have married my wife, I would have married an obese woman. I married my wife because she was fit, healthy and a great woman, so I pegged her to "carry my child."

I don't need an internet tough guy to toot his own horn and feel like he matters to make me "see" things differently. You don't come across sweetness and light, or hard and tough, you come across as a jackass. 

Take care my friend.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

jeffreygropp said:


> you come across as a jackass.


OK, I came on too strong, let's not fall out so easily.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why is it that NO ONE challenges a woman's right to have height requirements for the males they will sleep with, but so many people attack men for having body mass index requirements for their female mates. 

I do not think you are shallow. I had the "fat" talk with my W before we married. I did it in a tactful way but I told her that I really truly am turned off by fat women. 

My wife was fit and ate healthy and her mom was slender so I figured with minimal effort she could stay fit. So far so good - she generally stays within 10 pounds of the weight she was at when we met 21+ years ago at the age of 26. 

Honestly if she had told me that it was "her" body and not my business whether or not she gained weight - don't think I would have married her. BTW I am even handed about this - I promised her I would stay fit and I have. Some women totally "get" this and the rest are fairly vocal/aggressive that any man who is concerned about their weight doesn't really love them. 

Tell you what - I call BS on that. I totally love my wife. I have loved, honored and supported her for 20 years of marriage. I have turned down other females overtures, etc. I would see it as a very UNLOVING thing if she chose to stop taking care of herself and killed my desire for her. 




jeffreygropp said:


> I am a very good guy who takes care of my wife and loves her deeply. She has everything, including love. I am also super confident in who I am and what I like. If I was attracted to obesity, I would not have married my wife, I would have married an obese woman. I married my wife because she was fit, healthy and a great woman, so I pegged her to "carry my child."
> 
> I don't need an internet tough guy to toot his own horn and feel like he matters to make me "see" things differently. You don't come across sweetness and light, or hard and tough, you come across as a jackass.
> 
> Take care my friend.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

I just had a similar conversation with my H, and I really never thought my H was a shallow type. He wasn't sure if he could get it up with an obese woman. I commented that his mother and a close friend of ours (both over weight) struggle with a low self-esteem because of men like him, and he said that it's not just men like him, but all men with a few exception into obese women.

Even though he strives to become more spiritual and doesn't subscribe to "we are our bodies" view, he can't feel attracted to obese women. Gee, I better hit the gym and not gain any more weight if I want to keep having sex...

I wonder how other men "honestly" feel on this topic...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*fitness and desire a true story*

Summer 1990 - we have begun talking about getting engaged:

Me: I understand this is a sensitive subject, however I want to talk about fitness. You know how everybody says they will be faithful etc. Well I am faithful. Just wired that way. So you will be the ONLY person I will be sleeping with from now on. 
Wife: What does fitness have to do with being faithful?
Me: I think you know how I feel about your slim, lithe 27 year old body. 
Wife: Absolutely crazy about it. Can't seem to keep your hands off of it. 
Me: Yep
Wife: What is your point?
Me: I was wondering if we could put something in our vows about fitness. I think we should vow to stay "fit" for each other. 
Wife: So you are going to dump me if I get fat?
Me: This is the only sexual relationship I will be in rest of my life, I am not attracted to fat women, any more then women are attracted to men shorter then they are. I am hardwired that way, same as women are hardwired to want a bigger stronger male. Not good, or bad. Just reality. 
Wife: (annoyed) Just how many pounds of leeway do I have here? Ten, fifteen? Is there a remediation period during which I can lose the weight? How many pounds of fat allowance do I get for carrying each of your children? And what is the post birth Slimming period"?
Me: I would like to avoid putting a hard number on it, especially since, we start going to the gym more and you add some muscle weight, kind of makes the equation more complex eh?
Wife: (now angry) What about twins? I want a twin allowance? Two weigh more than 1. 
Me: (soothing) Baby only your Doctor will comment on your weight during pregnancy, if he is happy, I am happy.
Wife: What about acts of God that cause disfigurement? Accidents, illness, etc. 
Me: All acts of God are covered. It is not a choice to get in a car accident. I will still love, honor and cherish under any and all Force Majeure events.
Wife: You are shallow - and a P I G - PIG
Me: I physically crave you
Wife: An amorous pig, but still a pig
Me: Lets persue that for a moment. How about right after marriage I stop making the EFFORT, to perform basic grooming and hygiene stuff. Don't get my hair cut, including my lovely nose hairs. Stop showering, etc... Or how about I stay clean but just dress too casually for rest of our lives?
Wife: Not acceptable. Seriously what the hell is wrong with you? 
Me: What exactly is the difference between grooming/hygiene/clothing choices and fitness? How come it is ok to not make an effort to be fit - but it is NOT ok to not do all this other stuff has little/no impact on health?
Wife: Smiling. Even though you are a pig, you know I am going to make the effort to stay fit for you. 
Me: And I for you.

Over the years my Wife and I have both encouraged and supported each other in terms of fitness and eating healthy. We walk together, bike together. Food shop together. I have never once in 20 years given her a funny look regarding a food choice. I did once chastise her for not exercising after our second child because she was getting edgy, not because she was heavy. We did have one serious conflict over weight that was ugly, brutal, honest and lasted almost two years. I finally got resolved in an acceptable way. 

Marriage weights in 1989:
Mine: 160 
Hers: 110

>>>>>>>>>>>>
Master bathroom - July 2007

I look anxiously at the number on the scale - 128 pounds. My wife stares at me pointedly and says - "is there a problem"? I flush, am silent. The tension rises. Finally I say "I am sorry". She is quiet, not happy. This is not good. Finally I look up from the tile floor - and she is staring at me. 
Wife: "For years I have listened to your comments about other peoples weight. You never seem very sympathetic, frankly you come across as very judgmental. Do you agree with that. You sure have been clear about how important is for me to manage MY weight" 
Me: (in a near whisper) yes
Wife: (coldly) So is this a problem or not? 
Me: (I am now sweating) I will fix this?

My wife has a weight thing just like I do. She likes me stocky. Not fat - stocky. Like I was when we got married. She had been patiently, nicely telling me that 'too thin' was a turn OFF for 2 years while I let my weight/muscle mass melt away and pretended that it was not important. 

She had finally reached her breaking point. When I had stopped lifting my testosterone level fell. And my attitude, aggressiveness and drive slowly dropped. My style became kinder, gentler, more patient. And weaker. I didn't flare when provoked. I was conflict avoidant - something she had never experienced in 18 years of marriage. My lack of body mass, combined with this kinder/gentler style was killing the passion. Her body was no longer reacting properly to me. Sex had turned into pure mercy sex, once every 5 days like clockwork - the minimum frequency I could tolerate. But it was 100% mercy sex - painful for her and painful for me. And she wasn't just turned off by the 'too thin' look - she was angry. She had kept her end of the bargain. A combination of a very healthy lifestyle and great genes had left her unscathed by nearly two decades of marriage. She looked the same as she did when we met. Hot. Yummy. Mr. self righteous however had let himself go, and had hoped for a double standard. And she had been patient and understanding for two years. That was now over. 

I went to the gym twice a week and lifted. I started eating one extra small meal a day. Before you snicker - I have reflux disease - cannot eat high fat foods - so it is hard for me to gain weight. But I sucked it up - made the effort - it took a year. 

Testosterone levels rose, aggressiveness rose, conflict happened - good conflict - healthy conflict - followed by makeup sex - hot, steamy makeup sex. And each month another pound or two of muscle arrived. 


Master Bathroom September 2008
I strip for a shower, step on the scale and smile as the digital readout shows 150. As I close the shower door I see my wife looking at me. I smile at her - and she smiles back.

I look to the side at the bathroom mirror and start to admire myself. Suddenly my happy reverie is interrupted as she says "stop preening - it is unbecoming". The mirror fogs up as I start laughing. 



questions said:


> I just had a similar conversation with my H, and I really never thought my H was a shallow type. He wasn't sure if he could get it up with an obese woman. I commented that his mother and a close friend of ours (both over weight) struggle with a low self-esteem because of men like him, and he said that it's not just men like him, but all men with a few exception into obese women.
> 
> Even though he strives to become more spiritual and doesn't subscribe to "we are our bodies" view, he can't feel attracted to obese women. Gee, I better hit the gym and not gain any more weight if I want to keep having sex...
> 
> I wonder how other men "honestly" feel on this topic...


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## rsalsa (Apr 19, 2010)

A couple comments. A happy person doesn't gain 80 lbs.. There are things in her life that she isn't happy about that I believe caused this. I know from experience. I think if you both address what is going on in her life and try and fix it, the weight issue will be easier for her to address. Trust me when I say that people don't make a concious choice to be fat. I would try and be as supportive as possible.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

jeffreygropp said:


> I can't handle the idea of an obese woman carrying my baby and leaving it at risk for major diseases, just because she is lazy. That makes no sense to me at all.


I think that is wise. My father was obese and died when i was 16 from diabetes. My mom doesnt take care of herself, either. all of my siblings are dysfunctional and three have major health problems from obesity. many people think its superficial to leave someone over weight, but its so much more then that. the whole lifestyle has disastrous implications for the emotional and physical well-being of the kids.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

As i've stated in other posts my wife and I had a similar kind of agreement when we got married. We both exercise 6 days a week to stay healthy for our children, our mates and ourselves.

As others have said weight is the same thing as keeping nice and groomed, showered, teeth clean, etc. I don't think it's being mean or shallow, just being truthful.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I agree with everything everybody is saying re health. My wife is naturally slim, she does not have to do much to stay that way, and her lifestyle/work keep her fit.

I have a lower metabolic rate, so I have to exercise to stay fit. If I stop even for a week it shows. Nobody needs to be obese, but if one of us started getting fat, I hope the other would lovingly help us rein it back in.

My original thoughts were more along the lines of the post below:



rsalsa said:


> A couple comments. A happy person doesn't gain 80 lbs.. There are things in her life that she isn't happy about that I believe caused this. I know from experience. I think if you both address what is going on in her life and try and fix it, the weight issue will be easier for her to address. Trust me when I say that people don't make a concious choice to be fat. I would try and be as supportive as possible.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your feedback, this has really helped me out a lot.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

jeffreygropp said:


> I am a very good guy who takes care of my wife and loves her deeply. She has everything, including love. I am also super confident in who I am and what I like. If I was attracted to obesity, I would not have married my wife, I would have married an obese woman. I married my wife because she was fit, healthy and a great woman, so I pegged her to "carry my child."


If you can't be attracted to her or have a relatively thrilling sex life with her you aren't taking care of your wife....An active and rewarding sex life is very important for most people and some women even gain weight in the lack of this. Most other women get depressed when they feel their husband isn't attracted to them. This was just to answer what you said above and prove it's not entirely true (even if you believe it is). 

On the other hand, yes, attraction can't be conditioned and if her weight is something that turns you off there isn't a lot you can do about it. I don't see this as shallow but just a reality of life. What you CAN do about it is weight for every time she starts loosing weight and when she's down a couple lbs 'reward' her with sex mentioning how hot she suddenly looks. If she's semi-depressed from the lack of sex and desire from your part this will cheer her up as well as give her extra motivation to loose the rest of the weight.

Oh, and, good luck.


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## tigersmoonva (Jun 17, 2010)

I have to agree with this, while you can not change how you feel about her weight, a woman can tell when she is not desired. This can make her depressed and there for less interested in her looks/health. If you want to keep the marriage you need to step up and help her loose weight, not just see if the weight loss fails. 

Help her by working out with her, for many people the lifestyle is not something they can do for them self, often it is something they need to do for or with someone. However if you do not show her that you know she is trying, and help her, reward her she will not reach the goal. She will have not true motivation because she will feel that you do not care if she gets healthy. This sounds 100% like a self esteem issue that has come up in the relationship, and unless something is done to resolve that she will never be able to get into the frame of mind that she can be healthy. So do everything you can to build that self image rather then knock it down. A happy person is able to loose weight, but a depressed one will only gain it back.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

jeffreygropp said:


> I have never had a strong sex drive, but when I dated I seemed to have no problems being active. When I got married, my wife gained a significant amount of weight (80lb) and we didn't have sex much for 2 years. I let her know it was simply because I wasn't attracted to her.
> 
> Fast forward a bit, it's a year later, she has lost some weight but even now when we have sex I see things jiggling and there's too much to "grab". I am NOT attracted to big women and she doesn't seem to want to fix anything.
> 
> I love her, and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life - but when we get down to the flesh I lose desire.


Same with me except I'm the larger one. Prob about 80lbs heaver then when I got married.

I guess its tough for the other partner to be forced to fancy you. I guess I'm lucky because my partner does try and we do have sex its just she doesnt get anything out of it just does it for me.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Hmmm. I see where Jeffreys coming from here a bit.

Like I said, I'm the large person in the relationship. Some people on the forum will probably remember that for years the lot of you have been advising me to lose weight. I have some but not enough.

My wife, bless her, has been trying to get me to lose weight for even longer. Shes tried all sorts before finally admitting she doesnt fancy me as I am.

However, still she has sex with me, because she says she loves me. Even though she knows I could have made much more effort to lose weight for her.

I've come to realise that shes probably not being the bad one here...

BTW. My BMI is prob about 32, so not talking just a little chunky here.....


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## Piecukonis (Apr 3, 2010)

I don't even know what to think about this thread. So many good points and yet some that piss me off. But maybe it pisses me off because I am overweight and my husband is not having sex with me. He swears he is still attracted but I know the deal. I wish he would be honest like some of you folks on here and just come out and say that he is not attracted to an overweight woman. Seeing threads like this from a man's perspective hurts but it's true. Men are visual and I do believe that if a woman goes into a marriage expecting that she will be the only one who her husband is going to sleep with for the rest of their lives then she SHOULD stay visually appealing to that man. 

Now the other side of the token is this:

Women are emotional..they need to be wooed, they need to be told they are beautiful and taken out on dates and given flowers. Most men stop doing that once they get married. That is when most women let themselves go and it's because they no longer feel wanted or loved and they figure why work hard to keep their man happy when he is not attentive to their emotional needs. Their self esteem goes down the drain along with the energy they need to stay fit. They do not desire to look good for their man because what is the point? 

So if a woman needs to stay visually appealing to a man then any man that marries and loves a woman and cares about her needs and happiness needs to stay emotionally appealing and romantic to their woman.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Piecukonis said:


> So if a woman needs to stay visually appealing to a man then any man that marries and loves a woman and cares about her needs and happiness needs to stay emotionally appealing and romantic to their woman.


An eloquently simple and accurate summary. But apparently most of us suck at following that simple guideline.


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