# Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Hi all- 
This might be long. It’s been awhile since I been on. Over the early summer- I’ve switched jobs/depts as I was having trouble w co-workers/boss. It’s been a great move as I’m loving the job and team. With that being said, I also met a guy that is in the same field as me- (education) a teacher. But I’m clerical. It’s been exactly 2 months today that we’ve seen, talked, spent the weekends together etc. 

Really everything has been great! The convo, sex, intellectual topics you couldn’t get a better vibe.

Before school started- we planned a trip away before kids and life started. Both of us have summers free and we had lot of free time.
Trip was awesome! Lots of sex, fun and cuddling and talks.

When we first got together, we talked about letting it happen natural- no labels, no rushing etc.

About a month and half in- I asked us to be exclusive. He said I don’t have a line of women, and there isn’t anyone else. Guess that meant ok! Plus he said he wasn’t surprised cause I always wanted to see him etc.

Well, the month of August has been crazy for us. It was in July that I made that statement. Then trip, and we both have kiddos with August bdays. His kids are teens and live 3 hours away.

It’s been 3 weeks yesterday that we got back from our trip and last saw one another...... plus no sex for almost a month as we been pretty regular prior.

Sorry this is long- trying to get kg all in.
Anyways, he continued to text, but I sensed something was off. Just felt it. I never expressed it and just was content on replying to his texts and so forth. I had my son this past wknd. And he was supposed to go see his son- bday.
I texted Saturday- how’s the bday boy? Oh I didn’t go, they’re at the lake so I’ll see him in Labor Day and take couple days there.

I was nipped cause I could’ve changed plans and got a sitter if needed. But he didn’t communicate that.

I said ok you’ll have fun! Maybe we can get together for an early dinner this week?
I can he says. So I have a meeting Thursday after work, so I texted him yesterday and say hey I’m craving Mexican! See you after work for a bite?

He replied- I’m going to drive the rest of the week. ( he Ubers) to make extra money. I said no problem.

I never heard from him until I got this text last night.

It stated- my name- I’m not sure what’s happening here, but I feel you heading in a direction that I’m not prepared or really wanting to get into. I thought we were friends and hanging out. We’ve took this to a level that should’ve never happened. This will kill any friendship as well. I’m sorry to do this via text. I don’t want anything I say or do to be misconstrued.

It has to be this way. I am not wanting a relationship. I wish you well and hope you find what your looking for. 


So I’m a bit distraught and trying to hold my head up. I did everything right and he still didn’t want me 

I never


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

It seems he liked the FWB situation but didn't want more, he didn't really agree according to what you said. Perhaps he found you clingy and thought it would get worse. 

Just think of it as a few dates and it just didn't work out. Yeah, you wanted more but he clearly does not. Maybe he met someone else, maybe not, at least he didn't string you along just for sex. 

Hold your head up, your future is as bright as you make it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just know, the break up had nothing to do with you. He sounds like he's not in mind to have any serious possible permanent relationship with anyone no matter who.

Best just to say ok, have a great life, we'll just be social if we ever run into each other, and leave it at that.

It's not you or anything you've done. 

Actually better to know this now in the event you were starting to get more and more attached. 

Good practice and perhaps take it as it was, a good friend to hang out with for a while.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm sorry. Sounds like he was in it for fun. Which is perfectly fine. But you took his answer to be yes, which I wouldn't have. He didn't say yes. For something as serious as this, I'd have to get an unequivocal, undeniable yes, ok, we are exclusive, we are a couple, we aren't dating others from here on out. He said nothing of the sort. 

Please know I'm truly not kicking you when you're down although it seems so. That is not my intent! But sister to sister, here is where I think you went wrong. You said the E word (exclusive).

Now I'm not saying this is right. But in MY experience, men like to set the pace. I think you pulled the trigger too quickly. 1.5 months in is too soon IMO.

Your MO is to push too soon. I think you need to sloooow the pace.

Hang in there! Slow your roll. Try it on the next guy as an experiment. Be "pleasantly unavailable" at times, as I like to tell my single girlfriends. Live your life and if the guy fits in, that's great. THAT is mighty attractive to men.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sue, from a man's perspective l see of nothing you did wrong. Maybe this is good , meaning if cannot come to a point and he takes a weak way out count your blessings he was not that Into you just you body and willingness. Don't take it personally it seems, more and more want less and offer the same good for you. You are a Woman, and know what you want just think you saved yourself some useless time spent, waiting for the inevitable to come. Young lady don't worry about him. He wasn't ready and you will know if it meant to be if he comes back. And not just for the sex, hang tough.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Thank you ☺


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sue, l went through some of your original postings and, maybe you have some demons to deal with. From what l see you think sex, is the deal sealer for your relationships. Full stop, take a breath and get some IC for your inner self reflection. You need to value yourself first emotionally. 

I see you get your son, 2 weekends a month in 2018 have things changed? And even back then you were willing to put your son on the back burner for the sake of a man. So you could get frisky! You need to heal yourself first and believe that you are the prize! For your future husband.

What has happened in your life that you think so little of yourself? Do you feel you can share something that would help us here, give you great advice and not the same as before. This is and will be your on going struggle from now on unless you address this 500lb gorilla. 

Let us try to help you. What Happened in your failed marriage? Is this something you can share? We are unknowns to you you can be honest we can help if you share your wounds and your other struggles.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think not all relationships are meant to last. No fault on anyone's part, the relationship just wasn't working well for him. In a way this is better than trying to drag out a relationship that isn't working for either person. I don't think it reflects at all on your future relationships - its all about comparability not some inherent value in either person.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


I don't know.

I hope I didn't offend you. That wasn't my intent at all.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


I'm not sure the answer to that question has any real meaning. 

Let's say you didn't push, and you're still together. It doesn't sound like it'd be the level of together you wanted out of the relationship, so still being together isn't any better than apart where you are free to seek the kind of together you really want.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


Not sure why you would want to still be together with a man who did not want a relationship with you. You are looking for future commitment.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

At least he was honest with you. He just wasnt in the same place as you are. Good that he didnt string you along.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wanted a very casual relationship. You wanted more. Yes, it stings when you're wrong about someone you care about but that's part of the process, unfortunately.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


Maybe. But the relationship still wouldn't be what you wanted. Better to deal with that now than later.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> When we first got together, we talked about letting it happen natural- no labels, no rushing etc.
> 
> About a month and half in- I asked us to be exclusive. He said I don’t have a line of women, and there isn’t anyone else. Guess that meant ok! Plus he said he wasn’t surprised cause I always wanted to see him etc.


Way too soon to get exclusive IMO. So approximately 6 weeks into a new relationship, you wanted to be exclusive. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but he side-stepped your request and you didn't pick up on it. Also, you agreed not to rush things, but you actually did.

Take it as a learning experience. He wanted fun and games, you wanted something more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


If you didn't push he'd still be screwing you and taking you for granted.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


Potentially. But your idea of "together", and his idea of "together", were very different.

You saw commitment and a relationship, while he merely saw you as a social and sexual outlet.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I guess he acted differently than the other guys- who only wanted FWB 

He cuddled and did relationship things. He always went down on me and never questioned it lol
I know most men don’t do that unless they really like you.

He confused me with his actions and words. The text was totally unexpected. Why it hurts so much.
But with time I’ll heal


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like he just hasn't grown up yet. I'm old enough to have watched men think they're grown up and then watch them actually mature - or not -often much later than they expected. Has a lot to do with their childhood, parents, friends...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'll give you my perspective when I was dating, post-divorce. It may not help you at all, but I do hope at the least it can give you some insight. 

I posted previously about a woman that I dated. We got along great. Hit it off right out of the gate on date #1. I believe we were around the 90 day mark, we had just had a great brunch, I remember having a great bloody mary. We were back at my place, sitting on the couch that she came with me to purchase on our first date. Her legs were draped across my lap and we were just talking. Somehow ... lord knows I don't know how ... but the question, "do you ever see yourself getting married in the future?" came up. To which I answered, "If I'm being honest, I really don't see myself ever getting married again."

Her whole demeanor changed. She said, "Well, I certainly want love and marriage again in my future."

I didn't say a word. She then asked me to take her home. We didn't speak at all. I didn't feel compelled to try to make nice, apologize, or smooth things over. She felt the way she felt. I felt the way I felt.
That was the end of things.

We did touch base and have a conversation subsequently, where she indicated that she often thought that men were either afraid, or simply didn't know what they really want ... even when they would basically state what they were or weren't looking for romantically. She said that my response and reaction changed her mind about that. 

I didn't date anyone between 2009 and 2014 for much longer than 6 months; until I met the woman to whom I'm now married.

Sometimes I was the dumper ... sometimes I was the dumpee.

Oddly, I think a big part of what made me very successful dating was when I distinctly got to the point, that I knew I'd be ok if I never had a long term partner again, or was alone. And I really did believe that. I had some good stretches of being alone or only casually dating. Oddly, this is pretty much exactly the same space my wife was in when I met her. Her last relationship had been 2 years long, with a guy who she told outright ... that she would never marry, but he hung in there and kept trying to convince her otherwise.

I know I'm rambling at this point.

I feel for you. I really do. It's disheartening and upsetting. But ... he did you a favor. As for your part, I'd tell you don't settle. Don't push and prod or try to fit a square peg into a round hole, but don't compromise what you want your goal to be. Yet ... don't let the goal cloud the experience. There are good men out there. Men who likely want the same things you want, and many who do not. Take the experiences as they come, and let them settle into what they are intended to be. Some may last a few months ... some like in the case with my wife, had a partner for 2 years prior to pulling the plug. I don't see that as wasted time, but time to learn ... about yourself, and whether or not the person you are keeping company with is someone you would WANT to settle into the dull, daily, routine of a committed partnership ... particularly with kids involved.

I got to the point where I never fretted about being dumped ... even by the woman I first fell in love with, 4 years after moving out of the marital home. I knew our relationship had a lifespan, rather than a 'happily ever after'. And I was OK with that.

Don't stop dating ... unless you choose to.

Don't compromise your goals and dreams ... unless you come up with different goals and dreams.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Very well said! It is disheartening and I’ll be ok. Time heals. 
I am learning what I want and don’t want. Just getting older 😊

He obviously doesn’t know what he wants. I saw him back on the dating site again, so yes that tells me that we are NOT on the same page.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Sue4473, 

I would beg to differ (ever so slightly)... He knew EXACTLY what he wanted: a casual, sexual friendship and not a committed relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that. It's what HE wants. It's just not the same as what YOU want: an exclusive relationship leading toward commitment. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

The whole point of dating is not "to do nothing wrong so you stay together with a man" but rather to completely be who you are, and want what you want, and keep seeing men until you find one who is completely who HE is and wants what HE wants...and the two of you are on the same page. 

Think of it as "trying people on for size." This one is too large. That one is too small. The other one is JUST RIGHT. You want to find a guy who has similar values, and similar interests, and similar personality, similar sense of humor, similar dreams for the future, similar beliefs... and no, no one is going to be a perfect fit, but someone will be a very, very close fit, and THAT is the one you keep.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel differently than some here. If I am dating someone then that is the only man I will date and I wouldn't date a man who had other women on the go or thought it was ok to do so, so we would be exclusive from day one. No, 6-8 weeks isn't too soon to be exclusive, its very late to be exclusive especially as you had been on holiday together and had sex. Your relationship sounded quite intense so I would definitely have expected him to be with you alone.
Its sad that he wasn't honest and upfront with you from the start that he was like so many other immature men, he just wanted the sex but no commitment. Personally I would have talked about that sort of stuff early on, what we were each wanting in a relationship, and if all he wanted was a casual 'friends with benefits', then he would have been discarded then. 

I hope that you find a decent mature man who will love you and not be afraid to commit himself to you. My advise for next time, no sex until you know where you are with him.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

He simply decided that he wasn't ready. He should have told you in person, though.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Affaircare- I do agree that dating is to find that one who isn’t perfect, but a perfect fit for you and lifestyle.

I always molded myself to be someone I’m not with others. With this guy- I felt comfortable and didn’t hide who I was. Which I thought we both were that “perfect fit” I was talking about. I’m with @diane7 when it comes to being exclusive pretty early/ especially if we are doing things like trips, outings, etc.

I don’t sleep around, and I don’t like to add numbers of men I’ve been with for such a short time. Maybe its me but I feel ***** like cause it was only 2 months and sex was involved.

Today is a better day. I’m going to take one day at a time, and just be myself and stay away from negativity that tries to creep in.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He knew exactly what he wanted and that's what he thought he had until he realized you were more serious than he was. Yes, it would have been better if he had explained in person but in today's dating world, when ghosting is not uncommon, texting is often the way things end. Now you know -- since fortunately he didn't drag this out -- and you can look for someone who wants what you want.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Openminded. Yes correct.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sounds like things changed after the vacation. Being with someone 24/7 is a different dynamic than dating. I'm guessing he just isn't feeling it the way you are, that doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong, good or bad, it just means things didn't work out.

I'm not sure why so many negative comments regarding the guy. While I admit the semi ghosting was a bit weak I don't see where he did anything else wrong. Sounds like he was all in just like Sue....until he realized it wasn't right for him, at least he didn't keep stringing her along for sex.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Hold off on the sex until you are sure the man is on the same page. If he wants it for free, no commitment, no strings attached, he can go elsewhere.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> <snip>
> He cuddled and did relationship things. *He always went down on me* and never questioned it lol
> *I know most men don’t do that unless they really like you.*
> 
> <snip>


Why do you think that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



FieryHairedLady said:


> Hold off on the sex until you are sure the man is on the same page. If he wants it for free, no commitment, no strings attached, he can go elsewhere.


This. PLEASE don't be so quick to jump in bed with a guy, not if you're trying to find a permanent mate. Get to know them first. If you had sex with every guy you went out with once or twice and then realized they aren't a good fit, pretty soon your 'number' would be in the double digits, and all you'll have is regrets.

Respect yourself first so they will, too.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


So I am reading most of the posts here, and also wanted to bring in this one as well.

I am not agreeing with most of this from my side. 

1) I don't think you pushed from my perspective. It was a reasonable question, and he went with it. 

2) If she wants to have sex with a guy and she is safe, then what is the big deal. Was it too fast, I don't know but I think if a relationship happens it happens. 

3) I think he enjoyed the R and then realized that he and or she might be getting more serious than he wanted. Lots of people, male and female don't want to get serious again after they have lost a marriage or long term relationship. 

4) At least, even at this point he was a standup enough guy to be honest and break it off, I think that is a good thing and kind of makes him not a POS person. 

Overall, it did not work out, for whatever reason. I have had this happen on both sides. 

I say think of this summer romance as a good thing, lots of good sex and in the end it did not work out but no one cheated or got pissed off... 

I see the whole thing as a good thing and a win win...


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@BluesPower- yea I just miss him.
I fell hard for some reason. Maybe it’s because every thing was good- the sex, the conversations, all good and flowed.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*

I looked back in your posting history because your name rang a bell and I seemed to remember something about a guy you'd posted about not that long ago.

I'm assuming this is the same guy who fed you that line about how he really wanted to come spend time with you but gosh and golly gee, he didn't want to risk your precious friendship because that was the MOST important thing and he knew he wouldn't be able to resist you if he came over. So he was going to stay away 'for the sake of the friendship.' Good lord what a load of bull****.

Honestly Sue, the guy was a *phony* from the get-go. All he ever wanted was sex. I said it in my post back in July and I stand by it - he fed you a line and acted like he gave a damn about being your friend because he was looking for sex. Period. And the way you describe your vacation with him, it sounds like it was a whole lot of sex so I'm sure he was in pig heaven. I'm not saying you didn't enjoy it, but the difference here is that you were hoping it was leading to something and he was just enjoying the ride.

You had every right to at_ least_ ask for sexual exclusivity if nothing more than that. Something tells me you wouldn't have gotten it from him anyway because he's a phony who probably jumps on every opportunity he gets. 

He did you a favor. You just don't realize it yet. But I'm sorry you're down. :frown2:


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I’m still down but I’ll get over eventually. Yea I guess he did.
We went dancing and to a nice restaurant and Uber to several places along the beach. Yes, sex happened as it was a vacation and an opportunity to enjoy and get away before school started.

He definitely pulled the wool over my eyes. What hurts is his text to me and how cold it was. 

I may screen shot it here.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Here’s the text- no, he never said he didn’t want a relationship. He knew I didn’t wanna be a ****. buddy


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I don't think the text was cold as in cold hearted, I think it was consice and definitive. 

I'm not going to beat you up for having sex early in the relationship, but I wonder if good sex blinded you to reality. The old lust vs. love argument, sometimes they are hard to tell apart! If he told you at the start he wasn't looking for a relationship you should have listened, your agendas were different from the start, being hurt was almost guaranteed.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

So all the cuddling, laughing, having fun as in vibeing in every way possible was a lie? He told me he likes my sense of adventure, my humor, I was beautiful and that we complemented one another in such a good way.

Maybe I was blinded. I thought that’s what men wanted- someone that was good looking and had a brain and meshed well with them.
He told me how many women were rude, couldn’t hold an intelligent convo etc. I was a rarity and boom I’m out. Just like that


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So all the cuddling, laughing, having fun as in vibeing in every way possible was a lie? He told me he likes my sense of adventure, my humor, I was beautiful and that we complemented one another in such a good way.
> 
> Maybe I was blinded. I thought that’s what men wanted- someone that was good looking and had a brain and meshed well with them.
> He told me how many women were rude, couldn’t hold an intelligent convo etc. I was a rarity and boom I’m out. Just like that


Sue let me tell you something about certain men.
When some men want sex they will do and say anything to get it. He played happy couples with you because he sensed that’s what it was going to take to get you into bed. All the hugs and cuddles, the interesting conversations etc, this was just a seduction manoeuvre. 
And it worked. 
He’s a player and he’s already moved on to his next target. To be honest I’m surprised he didn’t ghost you. Rest assured that you are good company and attractive because otherwise he wouldn’t have spent any time with you at all.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*

It wasn't a lie - it was enjoyable. 

You invited him to enjoy you, and that's exactly what he did.

It might be helpful for you to take some time to seriously consider what _you_ want - as opposed to trying to turn yourself into what you think a man wants. 

If you want commitment/marriage, perhaps treat that as a starting point instead of an afterthought?





Sue4473 said:


> So all the cuddling, laughing, having fun as in vibeing in every way possible was a lie?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Just because he thinks you are attractive and also enjoys and appreciates aspects of your personality doesn't mean he also "has to* want a long term, full on relationship with you. 

I know a man who is really attractive, we have fun together, and he's intelligent, witty, caring, accomplished, etc etc. He's a definite rarity. But he's not also "the one" for me, becase he just isn't.



Sue4473 said:


> So all the cuddling, laughing, having fun as in vibeing in every way possible was a lie? He told me he likes my sense of adventure, my humor, I was beautiful and that we complemented one another in such a good way.
> 
> Maybe I was blinded. I thought that’s what men wanted- someone that was good looking and had a brain and meshed well with them.
> He told me how many women were rude, couldn’t hold an intelligent convo etc. I was a rarity and boom I’m out. Just like that


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men may say all sorts of pretty things in the moment but that doesn't mean they want a relationship. Next time, slow things down. Way down. If you don't, you'll continue to get hurt.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ok guys I know it’s a dead topic but the guy didn’t want commitment. 
Whether I did something to thwart that I’ll never know. Yes, we had fun and I got to experience a fun filled relaxing get away.

I can’t say I feel regret over expressing my needs- wanting an exclusive commitment. I’m at a point in my life, where I’m ready for that. Unfortunately, he isn’t. Which makes the term- We aren’t on the same page.

Time will heal and I’ll find someone who wants that. This guy just checked all the boxes I required.
Now I know that there will he someone who won’t check all but will be perfect for me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*

Let me translate that into douche-speak for you.

"As long as we were having fun and enjoying copious amounts of sex and there were *no expectations* of me, it was all good. I could tell you whatever you wanted to hear because I knew it would make you happy, and that made ME happy because nothing was expected of me.

But the second you DID want me to put my money where my mouth was, I had to bounce. I just wanted an FWB thing, and if I had to grease the wheels a little by saying things I knew you wanted to hear, then what was the harm? I'm a phony who used that line on you that "our friendship was more important to me than having sex with you," and you actually fell for it, so it was easy to feed you lines of bull**** to keep you happy.

I never intended for this to be anything more than a pleasant diversion for me. I'm one of those lying slime balls that lady on TAM warned you about back in July but you wouldn't listen to her. Now you know who I *really* am - a complete lying, weapons grade douche bag."

Pffft. Good riddance.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@ShesStillGotIt- keeping me in check! I may not like but I know it’s the truth. I do appreciate it. I’m learning. Just not as fast


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't know how old you are, but how often do you seek a partner who is a few years older than you? Men mature later than women. If you're 25, you need a guy who's at least 30. If you're 30, look for someone 35, as he's already gotten his jollies out and is now ready to settle down. Big generalization, but I've seen it happen over and over. Men just don't usually mature as soon as women.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Im 46 he’s 42


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> Im 46 he’s 42


Wasn’t expecting those ages. Wow. Some sleaze bags never change.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So if I didn’t push then we still be together?


He might still be hanging around for sex, but you wouldn't "be together". I completely get why you wanted to be exclusive for sex, and you expected things to progress to a relationship, but he was never going to go there, no matter what you did or didn't do.

There's a book called "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt. It'll help you come to understand the situation a bit better and put things into perspective.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



FieryHairedLady said:


> Hold off on the sex until you are sure the man is on the same page. If he wants it for free, no commitment, no strings attached, he can go elsewhere.


I'm an old dog here, older than a lot of people on this forum. In my generation, mothers would tell their daughters, "Why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?".


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You need to DTR (define the relationship) as an exclusive relationship before sex. And no sex until at least date 5.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Wolfman1968 said:


> I'm an old dog here, older than a lot of people on this forum. In my generation, mothers would tell their daughters, "Why would he buy the cow if he gets the milk for free?".


I heard someone say that to a friend of mine many years ago. 
Her reply was “Why buy a pig when you only want a little bit of sausage”.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Andy1001 said:


> I heard someone say that to a friend of mine many years ago.
> Her reply was “Why buy a pig when you only want a little bit of sausage”.



Sure, and that's fine for people who just want a physical relationship with no long-term commitments. As long as that's what both people want, there's no problem.

The issue is that *this particular OP *is upset that her partner (?boyfriend? or FWB?) didn't want the long-term commitment. Hence, this reminded me of the old advice that mothers would give daughters of my generation.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

The thing is, though, that women routinely have sex with their boyfriends and the boyfriends still marry them. So its not all about free milk.

Why buy a car without taking it for a test ride?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



CraigBesuden said:


> The thing is, though, that women routinely have sex with their boyfriends and the boyfriends still marry them. So its not all about free milk.
> 
> Why buy a car without taking it for a test ride?


I agree. I don't believe it's about how soon you do or don't have sex. It's about the connection. If it's not there for both parties, it's not there.

IMO this is why people get friend zoned. Sometimes a long term friendship can allow those feelings to develop, but sometimes not. I believe the OP was friend zoned, but there just happened to be enough chemistry for sex to still be on the table.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



CraigBesuden said:


> The thing is, though, that women routinely have sex with their boyfriends and the boyfriends still marry them. So its not all about free milk.
> 
> Why buy a car without taking it for a test ride?



You don't need a test drive if you know the car very well.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

We’ve been friends for a year before we even got together. We started hanging out more etc.
It boils down to that he’s not wanting a commitment at this time in his life.

I accepted it and will MOVE on.
Sucks, but his loss not mine


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



AliceA said:


> I agree. I don't believe it's about how soon you do or don't have sex. It's about the connection. If it's not there for both parties, it's not there.


I'm going to disagree and I'll tell you why. 
I'm 61 and I've been around males most of my life. I can count on one hand the number of men I've known who wouldn't jump in bed with a willing female at least once, if not all the time. Just because. Just because MEN WANT SEX. And men, many men, are quite willing to ignore upbringing, 'rules,' and societal mores, if there's a woman right next to him willing to spread her legs. Why the hell not?

I tell people to think of men as they were in junior high -spending their spare time with each other, checking out girls, wanking off, sharing 'tricks' of how to get a girl in bed. This stuff doesn't go away, guys. Yeah, some men have a good upbringing and learn to value other things more than getting off. But many don't. Of the 30 or so men in my circle right now, at least 20 of them are cheating on their wives just because they can get easy sex on the side.

So when I tell you not to give up the sex on the first encounter, THIS IS WHY. You give it up, you instantly become relegated to the EASY pile. And once you're in that pile, you will never become the one he wants to marry. 

Make him earn you. Make him respect you. There's plenty of time for sex later, once you've established a relationship.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> I did everything right and he still didn’t want me


There's something about this single sentence that resonates with me, something in its simplicity that defines the problem. I can't quite figure out how to explain it though. Maybe suggesting that one "did everything right" implies a lack of mystery to the human connection, a feeling that you can easily fix a problem or have a successful relationship like you can paint by numbers. 

Aside from that, the guy was clearly not LTR material, and was enjoying not just his own good time but also likely that you seemed to be, as well. His ending of all things via text puts him in a rather dim light, but it remains possible he thought the two of you were in a very different type of relationship than was the case (for you). That he found the conversations and overall experience with you very good may reflect on your maturity vs that of younger women he'd previously gone out with. I hate to suggest this, but in general, it may be a better idea, if 46, to date someone nearer to 50 than 40.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The advice below would be an epic fail with me. The pleasantly disinterested routine is pure head gaming. 

The best move IMO is to make the point that you dont sleep with people who aren't agreeable to exclusivity. 

But that's a face to face comment, you make while carefully gauging the other person's reaction. The guys who wince, frown, stutter or stumble are definitely looking for NSA sex. 

Exclusivity doesn't mean you get to set the pace or dictate anything else. 






lucy999 said:


> I'm sorry. Sounds like he was in it for fun. Which is perfectly fine. But you took his answer to be yes, which I wouldn't have. He didn't say yes. For something as serious as this, I'd have to get an unequivocal, undeniable yes, ok, we are exclusive, we are a couple, we aren't dating others from here on out. He said nothing of the sort.
> 
> Please know I'm truly not kicking you when you're down although it seems so. That is not my intent! But sister to sister, here is where I think you went wrong. You said the E word (exclusive).
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

@Sue4473 I agree with the other posters that you had every right to raise the subject of exclusivity. Absolutely. Problem is, you did it AFTER you'd slept with him, you need to do that before sex imo. Part of the reason you're hurting so much is that women literally bond and form an attachment to men during sex, it's Oxytocin, it's biology and you can't fight that. It's the reason that most FWB's end badly, with one participant, usually the woman, unable to remain detached and non committal.

I do think though, that you did push too much. You chased him and that likely put him off a bit. Would you really have palmed your son off to a babysitter when you only see him four days a month? Really? You suggested catching up for a bite to eat the following week, when he was seemingly ok with that, you should have left it there...if he wanted to see you he would have followed up. But you chased him again and he knocked you back. Men like to set the pace (generally, not always), let him lead the relationship. I know it's old fashioned, but it works x

I say this with love, please take it in the spirit in which it is given xx


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*

The part about giving up time with your child, which seems to be in short supply, to spend time with him makes me think that maybe you should rethink your priorities at the moment. If you don't value what you have, what do you have to offer someone coming into your life? 

It's an easy trap to fall into I think. To give your all straight up. I think we need to reserve some of ourselves and keep some things constant. If you're going back on the dating scene, maybe you need to sit down and write out some ground rules for yourself. Whatever feels right to you from advice, books, experience, etc.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Hi all- I need to clarify something as I’m not sure where it’s coming from or if it got mis read.

My son was with his dad the whole month of June/July. I have full custody of him and his dad sees him every other weekend. (The 2 months summer)

With that being said.... when the guy and I took thIs trip- we did as we knew it would be busy as I would get my boy and he would go see his or of town for bdays. 

It was 3 weeks after our trip that I didn’t see him. Now- we work in education at different campuses. Not far from each other either.

If he was interested in more than what he wanted, he would’ve seen me- after work quick dinner, lunch etc. my son is 15 so he can stay at home while I go out for an hour. 

I now see how he should’ve been pursuing instead of me. Maybe I did push.... but honestly, if he was in it to win it- he would’ve put forth effort.

I just wanted to clarify I never put him over my son. 

I appreciate all the advice. It’s helpful and opens my eyes, as they got blinded.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*

Being 6 weeks with someone, who is a grown-up and who is supposed to already have had life-time experience, is not too soon to be asking for exclusivity, _*unless *_there have been prior talks that both people are multi-dating other people at the same time. 

With age and experience, you already know since the 1st or 2nd date if that person is worth it or not! It's like ...that gut feeling, the subconscious voice within that tells you "oh....he's great!" or "nah....he's not really worth it". 

At the same time, just as regular dating is important, it's also important how one behaves in-between dates. Do they write/ask "how you doing?" or "How's your day?" etc. Here you can sense if someone's really into you or not. 

This quoted reaction right here.....would've been a red-flag for me!


Sue4473 said:


> About a month and half in- I asked us to be exclusive. *He said I don’t have a line of women, and there isn’t anyone else. Guess that meant ok! Plus he said he wasn’t surprised cause I always wanted to see him etc.*


Him saying he doesn't have a line of women waiting means "_Yeah, as long as I don't have other choices ...yeah ok, we can be exclusive. Otherwise, I wouldn't even consider being exclusive with you because who knows....the grass could be greener on the other side!_ " :wink2:

That answer alone, would be a *turn-off for me* and I would HIGHLY question his intentions to give _exclusivity _a try. His answer wasn't something like "Oh yeah sure! We can because I really really like you!!!" but instead, he chose you because he had no better/other options. So you were just an option, not a choice, OP! 

I would've cut it right there but on the other hand, (just like the others said before) be thankful that he was upfront with you and told you how he felt. He didn't waste your time!!!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I wonder if you are looking in the wrong places for the type of man you want?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> He cuddled and did relationship things. He always went down on me and never questioned it lol I know most men don’t do that unless they really like you.
> 
> He confused me with his actions and words.


A lot of men supposedly reserve cunnilingus for relationships, not a ONS. But if you are FWB or FB, I would assume that’s generally done.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



CraigBesuden said:


> A lot of men supposedly reserve cunnilingus for relationships, not a ONS. But if you are FWB or FB, I would assume that’s generally done.


Seems a bit odd to me; if you have a talent for such things, wouldn’t you want to put it on display? I have no experience in the ONS but unless I was extremely confident in my PIV orgasm skills, why wouldn’t I? Especially if I hadn’t ruled out the possibility this could be more than a ONS I suppose.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

The sex was good obviously. It just felt different- not the typical FB where it’s hit it and quit it. He always wanted to hold me asleep. So I felt connected. Maybe it is normal for some who knows. It’s over and I’m moving on. I will enjoy whatever we had. Plus- he’s back on the dating site. Looking for another sex buddy. Good luck jackal


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> So all the cuddling, laughing, having fun as in vibeing in every way possible was a lie? He told me he likes my sense of adventure, my humor, I was beautiful and that we complemented one another in such a good way.
> 
> Maybe I was blinded. I thought that’s what men wanted- someone that was good looking and had a brain and meshed well with them.
> He told me how many women were rude, couldn’t hold an intelligent convo etc. I was a rarity and boom I’m out. Just like that


Listen, I get that you are hurt about all of this, and left saying WTF??? I get it. I have had a few like that. 

But this whole thing sounds like he really enjoyed you and liked you and in all of that he allowed himself to get closer that he wanted. I am guessing his feelings actually started to get strong for you. 

Now, you may be saying "Yeah, then why did he dump me"... 

This whole thing could be as simple as he did not want to get THAT serious with anyone... And some people, not just guys are like that.

I really think that you are being hard on yourself that you did something wrong or were not good enough, but actually I think it had almost nothing to do with you in a bad way at all...


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@BluesPower- I think he did enjoy me, and for whatever reason, won’t allow it to get serious. It sucks.
I feel saddened by it all. Yes, he’s on an online dating site, but could be a distraction so he doesn’t have to deal I dunno.

It’s very hard to mesh and have a encounter where things flow. Our witty banter was out of this world! 

Thank you for your words. 🙂


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> He obviously doesn’t know what he wants. I saw him back on the dating site again, so yes that tells me that we are NOT on the same page.


 @Sue4473 sorry you went through this. I've had some male friends that behave rather odd when dating and now that I am older and look back I'll offer you this advice...

Sometimes people get into very serious relationships and at some point they loose themselves to this relationship. Something bad happens and it ends. The result is a man that has no idea who he is, is hurting a great deal, and does not know how to be alone. And the following relationships (often euphoric) are just rebound after rebound after rebound. Some guys recover and learn who they are, and others just meander through life carrying a painful void and not knowing who they are. 

So, how do you tell the difference in a man that is motivated to be with you because he is in pain and trying to fill a void versus someone that just genuinely enjoys being with you? One will be kind and adorable mostly to get to have sex with you. The other will be kind and adorable mostly because he got to have sex with you. May feel and look the exact same, but those are two very different things! Is there a way to test this before having sex? I'm not sure, but I will share some personal experience....

I used to get upset with myself in college as I would really be all into certain people. Once I got what I wanted I could not stand to be around them. This was very emotionally upsetting for me to feel that way. I can't explain it because I felt like I was around two different people. One version was adorable before sex and the other version I almost could not stand to be around after sex. So I discovered that when dating that if I masturbated (excessively) before going out that it had the same effect. I would be like, "oh wow, I really have no motivation to go out with this person now." After doing this test, I found one person that I super enjoyed being around her when I was in this state and had no desire for sex remaining. We are still together now decades later!

It feels awkward saying it that way, but I thought I would share in case you find that helpful. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.*



Sue4473 said:


> @BluesPower- I think he did enjoy me, and for whatever reason, won’t allow it to get serious. It sucks.
> I feel saddened by it all. Yes, he’s on an online dating site, but could be a distraction so he doesn’t have to deal I dunno.
> 
> It’s very hard to mesh and have a encounter where things flow. Our witty banter was out of this world!
> ...


I get you. And yes, he is probably trying to forget you, or distract.

Try not to let this one that fell apart ruin you, or your outlook. 

It took me a string of women, before I actually wanted another relationship, and I did hurt some women. Not intentionally, but when I realized I was getting too deep and did not want to, I ended it. 

And even when I did get to the relationship mindset, I had several of those go bad, for whatever reason that I am not even sure of in some of them.

Hell, I am still dealing with two exes that I am trying to distance from... 

Just give yourself a break, when it is right it will be right, and even then it will not be perfect, no relationship ever is...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

He wanted a relationship without obligation. His reply to you wanting to go exclusive was that he didn't have a line of women so at the time he saw no issues but probably when he realized you were looking at time together to get closer he more than likely became scarred. Had you not posed the "exclusive" question you would be in unknown territory and he, in his mind, would have his freedom, whether he had plans to see anyone else or not. So you have your answer and I would leave it at that. Personally I do not ask the man to become exclusive, I wait for him to ask because I want to know from his own mouth and his own thoughts that he wants this. Even at that there is no guarantees but I do feel women rush into wanting more before really knowing the man.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

FTR- I ask for exclusivity after a 2nd date (that is sometimes after sex, sometimes before). If they don't want to do that, that's ok, we just aren't compatible. 

Dating isn't about trying to mold yourself and a partner into working together. If you aren't on the same page, you aren't compatible. Keep looking. No biggie.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@BluesPower and @badsanta

Thank you for your words!
Today was better, and I know each day thereafter will be as well.
The right one that knows what he wants and isn’t afraid will happen when it’s suppose to.

😊😊


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

From a single man's perspective (which I was, for a little while... in between marriages):

1. Having a great fun and sexy time with a gal.
2. She poses the idea of entering into a strictly monogamous relationship.
3. Immediately after posing the idea, life gets in the way and the sexiness stops.
4. While separated, man has time to reflect on what is probably in his near future. Weeks at a time of no-sex, no-fun life. Putting kids and job first. A woman asking me where I am and what I'm doing. Nagging. Stress. Less "me" time. Less fun and sexy time. He's completely turned off by this point.

For a single guy, the fun and sexy single life is completely intoxicating. It's the fun without all that soul-sucking comfort and boredom that can often happen with a monogamous relationship. You can't fathom the energy and vitality that brief glimpse of the good life gave him. Then you (and life in general) smacked him upside the head with reality.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Let men make the majority of the plans. I can always tell if someone is into me by the effort they put in. But sometimes women are constantly reaching out and constantly making plans that we don’t realize that they aren’t the ones putting in effort and it’s hard for us to see that they aren’t really into us.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Yes it’s funny how I see things clearly after the “fog”. There were times that I would have to ask to get together. Now I think- wait a minute! The man is suppose to ask me 🤨

I guess you wrapped up and lose sight of what is really happening.
It is what it is, and I walk away learning about myself somehow.

Kind of a reflection I guess? Not that I did anything wrong, but why I blame myself when this happens. I shouldn’t be. At my age, I should be able to express my wants and needs so I don’t waste my time.
Luckily, I found out in 2 months.

Best,

Sue


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This isn't related to dating per se, but there's a great book written for women that might hit a chord with you. It's called The Dance Of Anger.


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