# *Honest insight eagerly needed...



## EmeraldEyez (Jun 17, 2011)

Ok...I think it's important that I give a little background, I know "logically" that it probably doesn't really make a difference, but I guess it all makes a difference to me.

He was military (retired now). He was in the military and married before me for almost 13 years. He had been divorced for about a year and a half when I met him. I was recently divorced as well. He had been deployed many times when he was married before and explained that she "trapped" him straight out of highschool. She was his first and she got pregnant right away, she was the one who pursued him. He isn't extremely good-looking or even very charming. He's an average guy with "good-old boy" attitude, often even comes across as rude and crude. I don't come from a great background with being treated well, so the fact that he was simple, was who he was upfront, didn't do drugs/drink or hit me...I thought was a pretty good sign. He explained that all though his wife was a complete "b" and he never really even liked her, he married her because his famly pushed him to and it was the right thing to do. He never cheated on her in all those years. As much as they hated each other, and all the drama that ensues...I met a lot of his friends, "brothers-in-arms" etc...and the consensus always backed up everything he said, even from people who had no reason to cover for him or be nice. So, when I told him the two groud rules for our relationship that were deal breakers, 1. Never lay a mean hand on me, 2. No cheating, I told him if he ever wanted to be with someone else, he could just tell me and I'd leave, no drama, no problem. He agreed. I didn't rush into our relationship. He was the first to say he loved me and to push the idea of marriage. We are married about 2 1/2 years and he deploys to Iraq. I make sure to send him with a new laptop, webcam, set up all the programs for him, because he is completely computer illiterate, so we can stay in touch as much as possible. I never doubted him (which is extremely unusual considering what I've been through). I had a very, very hard time when he left, but I kept upbeat "the very few times he called". I sent him multiple care packages with everything imaginable weekly, I kept the laptop open and on all through the night, every night waiting for him to come on. I would get these one or two lines, then "Oh, he had to go". He never could call me because "the phone lines are too long". Days would go by and I wouldn't hear from him. "Oh, we went on blackout" (meaning all outside communication was down because someone got killed or hurt)...now mind you other soldiers were camping out in phone lines, even missing meals to call home at least every couple of days. Their wives were talking to them via webcam almost everyday, they were writing crazy love letters home and sending sweet little trinkets back. Now, mine never was the romantic kind, but....I still trusted him. I never slept in our bed from day one that he left, it was too painful to not have him there. I would go out and sit in his truck, because it still smelled like him and I would cry and cry. Unless I was getting groceries or at the Dr, I was at home waiting by the phone or the computer. He came home for a 2 week leave after 5 months. He called me from his first layover, drunk off his butt. (he's in uniform and they are not supposed to drink) He tells me has a 2 1/2 hour lay over and that this wonderful flight attendant who's so sweet...bleh..bleh..bleh was giving all the soldiers free drinks on the flight as her way of saying "thank you for all you've done". After talking to me for about 2 minutes (at the beginning off his 2 1/2 hr layover) he tells me, "hey, I gotta go". In those two minutes I got to hear about the wonderful stewardess and him telling me not to bother coming through to meet him at the gate, to just wait outside by the curb with the car and he'll find me. Ok....now wth? I'm still so stupidly naive'...I just say ok, and he hangs up while I'm trying to say, "I love you"...I am waiting at the curb and he comes "stumbling" out...I can still smell the booze on him and he is still very drunk. We get home...and of course ....he can't.. *perform*. I try to tell him it's ok because I don't want him to feel bad, but I'm wondering...what's going on? I'm crushed really. Oh, and he didn't bring his laptop home because it had a bad virus and he had to just throw it away. I am very good with computers, I reprogram them and rebuild them, he knows this, and he threw it away? Ok....again stupid me, I get him another one ordered while he's home for two weeks to make sure he has one to take with him when he goes back. He goes to "check in to his unit" I forget what it is called, but it's kind of like "signing in" while he's back. I'm washing his clothes and I find his "homemade notebook" that he carries in his uniform pocket. It's actually a bunch of index cards clipped together with a binder clip. Now, I did this for him when he left the first time, I am a romantic. I would flip through a few pages and write "I love you"....another few pages..."I miss you"....just to let him know as he goes through them day by day he would discover a new message of me telling him I loved him. Well, I sat down to do that for him again. Now, he only uses black ink...I flip through a few empty pages..and *bam* blue ink in a woman's handwriting. It's an email address and a phone number. I can tell from the id used in the email address that it's a "stewardess". I loose my mind....he comes back after being gone for quite awhile. I go straight up to him and I show him what I found and I ask him what is going on. I call her a ****...and he immediately starts yelling at me and poking me in the chest telling me she's a nice lady who's just supportive of soldiers and that she gave that information to him so he'd have a "penpal", and that I need to stop beind so damned insecure and a jealous "b". I loose all steam...and think, maybe I am over reacting?. I second guess myself. In my mind, though, I know. He stays pretty "distant" those two weeks. When we go out he's actually "checking out" other woman so blatantly that it hurts. If I saw anything he tears me to shreds, puts me down...etc. I try to be a "good soldiers wife" like everything tells me to be. I stay sweet, nice, and supportive. I drop him off at the airport with his new laptop and off he goes. When he goes back the same "schedule" of contact stays the same. He finally comes home and he tries to sell me some story of that he thought about selling his laptop to another soldier there before he came home so it would be one less thing he'd have to carry and he had a friend "clean" it of all personal stuff, but he decided to keep it. (I had loaded it with all of his favorite music and pictures of me and the kids) I meet him at the gate we come home. He is all lah-de-dah and goes to "check in" again. I immediately dig his laptop out and start to go through it. All the web history and logs have been deleted, but all the personal pictures are still on there?? So, I recover all the information on his computer. Email accounts that he set up while he was over there, emails to the stewardess and several other woman, webcam pictures...really explicit gross ones...of all kinds of women, ages ranging from probably 18-50+ (he was 39), webcamming sessions...ones of him too. No wonder he didn't have time to talk to me. I print off some of the stuff...and I wait for him to come home. He does..again all la-de-dah. I call him into the computer room and I tell him this is the time to be honest with me if he wants to salvage anything. He just looks through me. He says what are you going on about? I show him the pictures...he blows it off. I push and I pull, he finally admits that he "hooked up" with a contractor lady in Iraq. Four months later...I had finally got him to admit to 3 different women, (including the stewardess, another soldier, and the contractor lady)...needless to say the numerous others he was webcamming and e-mailing. He tells me that he was "suicidal" over there and there's no way I can understand. (he wasn't in any of the gunfights, he handed out keys and unclogged toilets) He tells me that it's all kind of "hazy" and he can't remember how it really started (any of them) No he didn't use protection, yes he did everything imaginable under the sun with them. No he didn't "like" them, (i know it wasn't because they were pretty, I saw them!) the youngest was the same age as his daughter (puke) and the oldest...well she was about 11 years older than him. They had no common interests, they weren't sweet or funny....they were just "there"...they were "easy". His main excuse, "Well, it was better than the alternative." (taking care of himself) Well...after tracking them down (yeah, I have good investigative skills) and contacting them, (yeah, you bet I did) they don't know each other and they have had no contact with him, they tell me things along the same lines of what he said. "No, he wasn't sweet and there was no relationship, he was just there", "Hey, I did you a favor, now you know what you are married to." etc..."He told me that he though you were leaving him and wouldn't be there when he got home, I felt bad for him"...on and on. I looked through pictures he had that were taken of him while he was there...no wedding band in any of them. When I asked him about it, I got.."I don't remember"...I discovered he had set himself up on dating sites for when he came back. I straight out asked him, why did he want me to stay....if he was doing that, "I don't really remember, I think I might have done that in case you left"....so...5 years down the road he has never said he was sorry, has said "I'm so sorry you're hurt and you had to find out". Never showed any remorse....when I do have any setbacks..he will say things like "Aren't you over that yet?"..."If you go there again, we're done", etc....I am still destroyed over it all....any ideas? I would love to hear any/all thoughts on any part of this, or any thoughts now? Thank you for those of you who took the time to read this...bleh...I will go to the shower now, so I can cry and he won't tell me to knock my f'ing drama off.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My H was kind of like that and I left him.
You deserve better. You settled.
You can leave and treat yourself better than that.
And if you want sex, look how easy it is to get a man. 
At least the same level as what you had before.
At the 10 year point you can get military benefits so you have to decide if the financial security is worth it. For me, I'd rather go it alone than depend on someone who is undependable to take care of me. 

Not all military people are like this.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

OP I have read a few other post of yours and now this thread. My heart goes out to you. 

Have you tryed counseling? It seems like he is a selfish uncaring man who cares little for your feelings.

*hugs*

How are things now?


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## georgina (Aug 14, 2011)

Hi hunni, 
What else can i say to you but this... get out now and get your head straight.... he will continue to do this to you over and over again and he obviously shows no remorse.. he dosent respect you and probably neva will.. you will go through this time and time again until you are strong enough to stand up to him and so no you are not hurting me anymore!! my hubby on his last chance... he has shown loads of remorse and has backed up words with actions so far... so we will see what happens.. but no matter how hard it is we dont deserve to be treated like that!!! good luck hunni... hope you find happiness again.. you really could do so much better xxxx


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Yuck, what an awful man.

You do deserve better then that. 

You should be able to talk about it untill you are done talking. 

He hasn't taken full responsibility nor shown remorse for what he has put you through. He has no empathy for you and because of that he is likely to do it again.

Really I think you need to move on. I know you afraid of losing him, but why is that?

You deserve full love and commitment.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You have three choices.

1. Stay married to him and be the only one upset about the past.
2. Stay married to him and let the past go.
3. Divorce him.

You're doing #1 right now and you don't seem happy, so I think you need to move to #2, or #3. I doubt you can force your husband to become remorseful. If you moved for divorce, it might shock him into being remorseful, but it might not. And you have to be willing to follow through and actually divorce.

Good luck.


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## KurouShinakute (Aug 26, 2011)

First, I'd like to say how sorry I am that your husband has put you through so much heartache. 

Second, you sound like a wonderful person. Intelligent, caring, loving, a great wife...that "man" (though no real man acts like he does) doesn't deserve you.

This guy wants his cake and eat it too. Dump the scum and move on to a man that will treat you how you deserve to be treated, like a queen.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You gave him two conditions when you married him
1. No touching you in anger
2. No cheating
He broke both of them.
If you let it go, this behavior will continue since you have given him no reason to not do it again.

It's time for you to make good on your end of the conditions.


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## 20PlusYears (May 22, 2011)

I'll admit that it's "Easier said than done", however, I don't see how you can stay in your current situation as is. You need to have left 5 years ago!

If you would let yourself, for just one minute, read your own post as if it was written by a stranger talking about their life, and was asking you for advice, if you can truly be honest with yourself, what advice would you give this person?


Whatever advice you would give this stranger...*FOLLOW IT*!

Be strong!


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