# Having an emotional affair, and difficult time ending it.



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hello,

I am new here, came across this site researching the topic of 'emotional affairs' so here I am.

I am married (together 9 years total) with 2 girls together and one child from a previous relationship.I am 33 yrs old.

A little background info:
Most of our marriage has been very unhappy, unhealthy and filled with painful conflict, almost from the beginning. I always new in my gut things never felt right, and I always felt in a state of such deep pain, but could never put my finger on the reason. We used to fight all day long, and I was always treated like I didn't matter, that my concerns about out marriage were ridiculous and that I was overreacting, and too sensitive. It was brought to my attention that I was in a very emotionally/verbally abusive relationship and once I realized this, and read about it, I know why I felt so awful all the time around my husband. I brought this to his attention, asked him to read up on it and see if he recognized anything in himself..which in turn eventually lead to him changing some of his ways, and some of it got better over time. Still though, I haven't felt happy with him for a very long time, but I always have had the motivation to keep trying new things to try and make things better, even when he didn't want to make the efforts. I have had a few periods of time where I have seriously considered ending our marriage because I don't think I love him anymore, and this time (3 weeks ago) I was serious, partly b/c I am emotionally involved with a coworker, and have slowly been doing so for 7 months. I didn't know if was an 'affair' that was beginning until recently, and am now in too deep to just forget about it. I feel very little for my husband, and haven't for a very long while. I don't feel attracted to him anymore, I have not been able to say I love you and mean it in a very long time b/c I don't feel that way. I am here for the kids, the home we have built, financial stability,our marriage vows, and the future of our family, but I am not sure if I can stay in something for those reasons, if there is a lack of feeling on my part. I have turned my feelings off toward him, and have a wall built up to protect myself from his abusive ways that I can;t see over it.
Now since I have revealed this other relationship, he is going to counselling and literally, overnight has turned into a whole new man..I mean it is almost too much to take how sweet, doting,and supportive he is being. Now I have this going on all the while I have very strong feelings for someone else, and this OM told me last night at work he wants to leave his wife, and be with me if my marriage fails. I know sounds so crazy, but my heart is pulling me in that direction for some reason, and away from my marriage, but i have not acted on anything physical, or seen him outside of work as of yet. I realize emotional affairs are just as serious as a physical affair, even more so as my emotions are all wrapped up in this. I am such a mess, and am going through a serious depressive episode b/c of all this. We are going to counselling together, and separate to see if we have any hope at saving this, but if I feel nothing for him, how can I move forward? All I can think of is the other man, and I want to see him and be around him b/c I enjoy his presence. I know it is wrong, but this is how I feel, and I hope I can get some sound, wise advice b/c I am really struggling. Please no bashing, I already know I am breaking my marriage vows by having feelings for someone else, now I just need to know what to do about these feelings, and my current relationship situation. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

There is nothing to do about your feelings for the OM. There's no magic potion to make them go away. You simply have to stay away from him and be strong enough to do that. You have to push thoughts of him out of your mind and quickly think about something else. Have yourself one good cry and then resolve to let him go.

One reason you have to let him go is you have no business interfering with another marriage. If you want to break up your marriage, that is up to you. Frankly, I think you have good reason to do that if you so decide. But you have to muster big girl, grown up strength to do something and make some wise decisions for once. You didn't leave your husband when he was abusing you. That would have been a wise decision, but you didn't do that. You stayed "_for the kids, the home we have built, financial stability,our marriage vows, and the future of our family_" but suddenly all those things mean nothing. You are willing to throw them under the bus for another man you don't even know outside of work. The truth is you couldn't muster the strength to leave and you were afraid to leave, so don't find the strength in someone else now and throw caution to the wind. You are running on emotions, and I can't blame you because it's understandable. Your husband mistreated you and you turned away from him. You, like every woman, need to love and be loved. But it seems you've chosen the first man that showed you kind attention - a married man. He has a wife. He probably has children. You have no right whatsoever to break up their home; to come between that man and his wife; to come between those children and their father. That is completely selfish. How would you feel if someone did that to you. What if you found out your husband abused you because he wanted to be with another woman? Not fair is it? Go find a man of your own. Someone you don't have to cause unhappiness to be with. Don't let others pay the cost for your happiness.

Another reason you can't be with him is, well......."_I am here for the kids, the home we have built, financial stability,our marriage vows, and the future of our family_.} Remember that? You are so desperate to be happy and feel loved that you forgot about all those things that mattered. You have someone else' attention now and suddenly none of those things matter to you anymore, not enough to bring you to your senses anyway.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be in love. You deserve the love and respect of a man that you longingly desire. But you have to do it right. You have to make some grown up decisions and do it right. You are not 10 years old anymore and still thinking you should have and do whatever you want.

I think you should give your husband another chance. Open your heart, sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel. Tell him everything in your heart that has not come out in counseling yet. Then, give him a chance to win you back. It is more up to you than to him. He can do it, and you can too.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Thanks very much for the advice, I am aware and realize I am in a very destructive situation, and frame of mind right now. I DO have to let go of the other 'relationship' and move forward with my marriage.I have told him many times what we are doing is wrong, and that he needs to work on his marriage as I am trying to do and forget about me. The only problem is I can't avoid this OM completely as I work with him ( I have a very good paying job and will not find another like it where I live so do not want to quit), and he is always hitting on me, pursuing me, saying he likes me, wants me to meet him outside of work to talk, and flirts very heavily with me etc. When I feel like I get my resolve to end it, it feels like he sucks me back in with his 'charm' and I am all wrapped up in it again. He has an awful situation at home, and wants to end it, and shares this with me and says nobody listens the way I do and thats why he 'likes' me. He says he can't wait till the next time he can see me at work, and wants to be with me...yeah, I know it it crazy and has to stop, but I don't know what to do.
I have taken a leave from work for the month to work on my home situation and on myself as I am very depressed right now. I hope I will find the strength to work around him and shut off my feelings when I return.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> I have taken a leave from work for the month to work on my home situation and on myself as I am very depressed right now. I hope I will find the strength to work around him and shut off my feelings when I return.



Taking time off work is a good start in my opinion. Stay strong and do not to be tempted to respond should he try to contact you in any form or manner during this time.


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## cryin eyes (Jun 10, 2010)

Hi flowergirl... I'm in a similar emot affair myself that began as a friendship and developed over about 6 yrs. Only 
precious few intimate moments but still faithful to our spouses bec of our vows and responsibilities towards God 
and family. I've been married almost 20 yrs. Our marriage is ok for the most part but no intimacy, closeness for many years. no kids. When confronted he's defensive, doesn't say much and never brings it up. When I hv, I am rejected. After so many rejections I hv given up. He's ruined that part which was really never important to him and I feel like a fool with little self esteem and depression. The other man and I are friends but hv acknowledged feelings are still there. I long only for him, want only him. I don't think I could take not ever seeing or talking to him. We also work at the same place, different areas tho. I've never told my H but don't plan to. I don't want to hurt him even tho I hurt. And I don't want to hurt the other man in any way. 
I'm posting mainly to say I understand some of what u are going thru and how much
it hurts. I feel very alone.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My marriage survived a very serious EA a few years ago. Some of your statements echo my wife's feelings and attitudes to wards me. The lack of emotional attention, lack of a desire to work at it any more. Lost her "in love" feelings and totally shut down from me physically and emotionally. At the time I discovered it I finally realized how far I had let her go and promised change. I have stuck to and continued to work on those changes to this day, more than three years later. Our counselor called it therapy with a 2x4 and it worked. You husband can change but you will need to make it clear to him he must change for the sake of the marriage, not a fear of you leaving him for another man. You must change also and discontinue all contact with TOM. It is the only way, even if that includes changing jobs. You will never really begin to see your husband in the proper light as long as he is in the picture. While my wife and I made many improvements and she could see my efforts she never began to return to me emotionally until TOM was out of the picture for good.

Things can turn around for the two of you but it will take time, it will be painful and you'll both make mistakes. I wouldn't trade any of the anxiety or pain we suffered during our recovery because we are happier in our marriage then we have been in years. We've been together 25+ years. Good luck.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Amplexor: Thanks for the viewpoint from a mans perspective...that is very much like my situation. I just don't see myself quitting a job I LOVE and that pays me very well (I have no formal education other than Cerifications as a fitness instructor) and it is in the field of my career goals as a Health/Fitness leader. I am so lost and confused..and I miss TOM very much, and am not really sure why.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm not sure if you realize this, but the lines the OM is feeding you are pretty much just that...they are lines. EVERY married man who is "hunting" on the side is going to tell you how horrible his life is at home, how he wants nothing more than to be with you, and how he can't wait to see you every day when he comes to work. It's the thrill of the chase hon....he's chasing because he hasn't GOTTEN you yet. He's doing everything he can to get you to ditch your vows completely so he can add you to his list. Yes, you can be pretty sure there IS a list. Once he gets you...the thrill of the chase will be gone, and it honestly won't be long before he's on to the next naieve woman. You have to stop and think...you are talking about changing the course of your life, your kids lives, and your spouses life....for what sounds like pursuit of an infatuation on your part. If you want to leave your marriage for YOU thats fine, but have the courage to do it on your OWN two feet, because of your OWN reasons, and not because some man at a gym who knows how to sweet talk the ladies is screwing up your head.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Mommybean, I know you are right...I am naive to believe I am the only one he has ever pursued outside of his marriage, and that his life is a mess at home, and he would leave in a second if not for their child..this is what he is telling me, but of course it could all be BS...
Thanks for your advice.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> Mommybean, I know you are right...I am naive to believe I am the only one he has ever pursued outside of his marriage, and that his life is a mess at home, and he would leave in a second if not for their child..this is what he is telling me, but of course it could all be BS...
> Thanks for your advice.


so if he is telling the truth & he would leave his wife , will you be leaving you husband for him ? If no then it shouldn't bother you weather he is telling you the truth or not . you need to keep him out of picture .

Best of luck


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

When you do return to work have one last conversation with him to tell him quite emphatically that you are off limits and will no longer be communicating with him on anything but a strictly businesslike manner. Practice what you will say beforehand, not just the words but your facial express and tone of voice. He has to get that you are deadly serious. 

Assume that he will still pursue you and be ready for that also i.e. stop all such conversations dead in their tracks and walk away. I would also say block his e-mails and bar his number from your phone but don't know how this would work bearing in mind he is a colleague of yours. My guess is if you reject him promptly and decisively each and every time he tries to speak to you on a personal rather than business level, he'll eventually get the message and move on to easier prey. 

Meanwhile, keep an eye out for new job opportunities which might match or almost match the one you currently have. Also do you have a plan in place for improving your relationship with your husband? Need to work on this at the same time as all the above.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

And there is always your human resources department. If he continues advances it is sexual harrassment and he could be sued and the company could also. Let him know that. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've spent most of my life around men. I can PROMISE you, there IS a list. You know how women look at each other and 'judge' their clothes, the money spent on clothes, the kind of hair cut, the money spent on hair, all that stuff? That's what men do (SOME men) when it comes to sex, and getting women to say yes. 

He's working you. You're on his list.

Go get the book Surviving an Affair, and read it this week. You will recognize yourself in there.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I agree with all of what is being said here, but it really is hard getting over this. It has caused me great emotional turmoil, and I want to get passed it, but don't feel I am strong enough yet to repel his advances. Having this time away from him has been good, and I am feeling the 'feelings' lessen, but am worried as soon as I am around him again it will start up. I HAVE to find a way to move passed this, weather i stay in my marriage or not, I know this is a very unhealthy thing for me to be in b/c it is not REAL it is a fantasy and distraction from my unhappiness.

THANKS to all of you for your time, I will keep you updated as things progress...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> I I HAVE to find a way to move passed this, weather i stay in my marriage or not


The way to move past it is to _tell your husband_ you are unhappy and subject to other guys' advances. That way, HE helps you repel OM, and he now has the choice to fix his 50% of your marriage or not.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Turn,
Boy that was so obvious I didn't see it. Tell your husband. I am sure your husband would not mind telling OM if you asked him nicely lol.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Yes, my HB came very close to having a little 'chat' with him. (He know ALL about this if I have not already mentioned) He knows who he is.I have asked him not to, as it might make things more messy than they already are. Our therapist is also advising me that I need to deal with it on my own though, to learn to stand up for myself and what is right. Of course if his advances don't stop despite my actions, I will have to look at other options.


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## last2know (Jun 21, 2010)

Flowergirl, you can move passed it. My H had an EA with a co-worker and it was very hard on both of us. He still works with the OW (dif buildings)but he follows the No Contact rule. Plus I used to work there and he has no idea if I have spies watching him. I check his phone etc. This OM you have "feelings" for has no plans of leaving his wife or his home life for you. If his wife were to find out and he were put on "the spot" he would drop you like a hot potato. You need to be appreciated, loved etc. But you have to appreciate yourself, love yourself and not expect adoration and validation from external sources, once your husband see's that strength and once you feel it, it changes everything. I know you don't believe it but you can get feelings back for your husband. What your doing now feels good but it doesn't last, for anybody not just you. We all started out like that and then we have kids, jobs, bills etc. My H and I are more in love now than ever, all he needed was me to need him more, to appreciate him and show him love and he fell right back into my arms and out of hers. Unfortunately he was unable to communicate that to me, so we had to get there the hard way. Now he can't apologize enough for hurting me. We have been married 19yrs. I am beautiful again inside and out, for myself and for him. You will regret leaving your home and breaking up your family, I guarantee you "the grass is not greener". Also did he say he would leave his marriage if your marriage didn't work out? Research shows that if a person truly wants to leave their spouse for someone else it will happen in the first 3 months. If not, it ain't happening. Work on yourself.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I am happy to report, that taking this month off of work, and distancing myself from the OM, I am rekindling some positive feelings toward my HB and realizing what a screwed up place I was in getting involved in this affair, and how bad my marriage situation really was now that my HB has been treating me so differently, and has been unbelievably supportive, loving and thoughtful.This was the attention I was craving and found it from someone else who was giving it to me freely at work. I also realize WHY I was vulnerable to this OM and the attention he was giving me, and I need to focus on repairing myself and the damage this has done to my spirit and soul. I need to learn to love myself above all.
I have a staff meeting tonight, and know I will see him at work and I am very anxious about it for some reason...I used to look forward with such anticipation when I would be seeing him..now I am kind of dreading it. Hopefully this space has helped him and his intense attraction to me, and he has cooled off..but he did say he would be counting the days till he sees me again. Oh boy, what I have gotten myself into! Beware of Emotional entanglements, they..they are DANGEROUS! Thanks to everyone who is responding with your thoughts. It is helpful to have different perspectives.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let your husband know about the meeting. Ask him to send you a text at 5 minutes before, so you will resolve yourself.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> I have a staff meeting tonight, and know I will see him at work and I am very anxious about it for some reason...I used to look forward with such anticipation when I would be seeing him..now I am kind of dreading it.


Turn your dread into a positive - like I said before, assume that he is going to want to take up where you left off and plan what you will say and do in advance so you are ready for it. Again, not just what words you will say to get the message across that you want nothing more to do with him, but your facial expression, tone of voice, stance etc. 

Your body language and not just what you actually say are KEY. Don't make a point of sitting next to him, but don't go and hide either. If you have to talk with him businesswise, look him in the eye as you would any other colleague. If you act furtive or uncertain he will exploit that and you could end up back to square one. The more you do this sort of thing the more confident you will get and you will no longer dread having to see him since he poses no threat to you, your marriage or your happiness. 

Don't give him any hint whatsoever that you are dreading. Make him believe that he means no more to you than any other colleague. He needs to see you mean what you say and are determined. Then he knows not to waste his time (or yours) and to move on to his next conquest or better still to make amends with his own wife if she wants him. 

Go practice now!


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