# Wife says she doesn't love me anymore...



## JP471 (Apr 26, 2013)

Hi All,

I started a thread on another forum about a year ago telling this story, and have been updating all along. It's been a great help, and someone recommended posting here since there seem to be others in similar situations. Like many first-time posters here, this is long. Lucky for you, I know how to break my writing into paragraphs.

We've been together over 20 years, and married for 19. We have two "tween/teen" daughters, and a stepson who is now 23 and married.

The relationship was in conflict from the start. We seemed to get along well, and I thought we were in love, but there was much conflict with the stepson and his biological father. We had major behavioral problems with him, including violence and calling the police. He spent time in juvenile detention. As an adult, he's doing better, married, and now manages a small store. But things were very difficult up until 3-4 years ago when he moved out.

Throughout his childhood, we had parenting disagreements. She is a drill sergeant, and I want to reason and teach. Nothing seemed to work. But, there ended up being conflict between me and the wife because she didn't think I was hard enough on him. This was a constant problem.

Fast forward to a little over two years ago. She became cold, and sex stopped. I didn't pressure her about it, and after 2-3 months, she said that she wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. And I know it's not my looks, she still thinks I'm good looking - she just doesn't want me physically.

Soon after that, I found that she had been emailing another man, basically a brief emotional affair. Nothing terrible or graphic, but it became very clear that she developed strong feelings for him.

I confronted her about it, and she told him I found out. I ended up going to lunch with him and told him in no uncertain terms that their one-on-one communication was to stop. It was a strange setup because they got to know each other on a mission trip, and we had just started going to the same church. My first time meeting him in person was our first Sunday at church, and the cards were on the table. Awkward meeting.

Anyway, when we met for lunch he was very apologetic and said he just got caught up in the attention and fantasy, and wasn't thinking of the people involved - just the words on the screen. He agreed to do whatever I wanted. I honestly think he's a good man and just made a mistake. He showed no interest in being with her.

However, she continued to email him. Nothing inappropriate per se, but just inappropriate given the situation. Things like "Look at the beautiful sunrise this morning!" with a photo of the sunrise. Or, she'd send him links to music videos. He would generally either not reply, or say something short and to the point. She didn't realize I still had access to her email account. She eventually found out and changed her password about 10 months ago.

In addition to this, she would journal her dreams (she often sees spiritual meanings in her dreams, so she writes them down). This other man started to be in her dreams all the time. She even wrote that he is always present.

I don't think they have had much contact, though they've had a few conversations about mission-related things. He thinks everyone's over it, and things are fine. I have no beef with him, he sincerely apologized to me and we've had several talks, and he's always willing to do whatever I ask in order to make things better.

But, I think she still has feelings for him.

Anyway, that's some background.

Through all of this, over two years now, she has been just plain mean, even viciously abusive. I've gotten a lot of the following:

I don't love you.
I never loved you.
I only married you so I wouldn't have to raise my son alone.
I only married you because I thought I couldn't do any better.
I hate you!
If you ever got terminally ill with cancer or something, you'd be on your own, because I couldn't take care of you.
If you died, I wouldn't even care.
I'm never having sex with you again.
I'm never sharing a bed with you again.

That's just a start, and most of these things are screamed at me. She goes on these screaming tirades where she'll go on literally for 2-4 hours, and 95% of it is her screaming/talking. She goes on about how I've let her down, what I did wrong, what I should have done differently, how hard she tried and how I didn't.

Honestly, I wish I'd done a lot of things differently. I was never very good with birthdays, Christmas, or other gift-giving holidays. I could have helped around the house a little more. Typical guy stuff.

However in my defense, for most of the marriage I felt like whatever I did was wrong in some way. I did it the wrong way, at the wrong time, or something else. I often felt like I couldn't please her. So, she ended up doing a lot of things herself. Not because I didn't try, but because I didn't meet her expectations I guess. I have always washed most of the clothes, and have been doing a lot of the kitchen cleaning in the last year or so.

At any rate, I would think that being Christians, there would be some forgiveness, love, grace, etc. for this situation. She has none whatsoever - and has even said that to me. When I talk about grace, forgiveness, love, reconciliation, she just says, "I'm not there. I'm so far away from you I don't know where I am."

She's very angry and won't let it go. She's either not talking to me at all, or screaming at me. There have been 3-4 times where she has become physical with me, violently hitting and kicking me 10-15 times.

I can't talk to her - there's just no way to resonably communicate with her. When she's on her multiple-hour-long tirades, I can't get a word in. She interrupts me within three words. I have barely raised my voice to her, and most of those times it was only so I could be heard over her screaming. She doesn't listen anyway, because she's just screaming or talking angrily. I have not heard a positive word from her in over two years.

Another issue worth mentioning is that she got interested in photography about a year before this all started. Soon after, I got interested too, after a conversation with a family member. I'd wanted to do it since I was a teenager anyway. We both ended up getting good cameras. She was NOT happy about me getting a camera. She says that she needed photography all to herself because she was hurting, and that I stole it from her. So, for the last two years, she has constantly been on my back to sell my camera. I mean screaming, crying fits about me selling the camera.

I've told her many times that I'm not going to sell it. So, she says that I love the camera more than her, that the camera (and incidentally all of my other toys/hobbies) are my idols, and she knows where she stands in this marriage. I have put the camera under the bed for 3-4 months, and have even offered to take it to my mom's house. That's not good enough for her, she insists that I sell it.

And another biggie is that just a few weeks ago, I had a heart attack. This shouldn't have happened. I'm otherwise healthy, eat right, don't smoke or drink, low cholesterol, and in my early 40's. It seems the only reason is bad luck or stress. Now I have a stent in one of my coronary arteries and am on heart meds, and will be seeing a cardiologist regularly for the rest of my life.

Her reaction to this was anger. She was angry that I was "inconsiderate and unthankful" when in the hospital, and acted like it was "all about me". I don't know what she's talking about. I was polite and thankful. She's angry that I didn't seem to care how much more work she had to do herself since I wasn't home. She showed no concern or care for me whatsoever - just anger that it inconvenienced her.

And obviously, this is all affecting our girls. One "seems" to be doing OK, but the other one is having emotional problems that are showing up, and the school has noticed. She recently started counseling.

Through all of this, she has said dozens of times that she just wants out. She doesn't want anything but her clothes and personal items. She says I can have the house, the cars, the "stuff", and the girls (because she doesn't want to remove them from their home). However, she could leave if she really wanted to, and hasn't.

So, I don't know what to do. I could go on for hours with details about all of this, and have, on the other forum I mentioned. Most of my friends and family have said it's time to get divorced. I have a hard time with that. She only works part time, so she can't support herself on what she makes now. She's got nowhere to go (that I know of), and no money. I have a hard time just putting her out on the street after being married 19 years.

The situation right now is that I've barely touched her in two years, and there's been no sex in that time. She has been sleeping on the couch for almost two months now. She looks and sounds angry all the time to me. However, she can be all smiles at church. But, she won't even ride in the car with me to church, or anywhere else. She wants nothing to do with me.

And yet, she maintains her calling is to go into the mission field to share the love of Jesus.

Also I forgot to mention - I did some reading on this forum the first time the member from the other forum recommended it. While reading, I found references to No More Mr. Nice Guy. I've downloaded the book and am about halfway through it. I only read about this stuff or post these details from work, so I don't get a lot of time to do it. Things were slow at work today, so I was able to post this.

Anyway, that's probably long enough for the initial story.

Thanks,
JP


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ok real quick

Go out and buy a voice activated recorder and keep it on you at all times

Catch her screaming fits and physical attacks on it so you'll have proof that she's the aggressor when she finally calls the cops on you accusing you of hitting her (believe me she'll figure this approach out soon)

Meanwhile, if she physically assaults you again, call the cops and have her removed since she's a danger to you and your kids

I'm sorry your here and I think you already know the long term result of this relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

JP, while reading your story, I quickly reached the conclusion that your wife was using you as a "beta-provider" to raise her kids. Now that the job is essentially finished, she no longer has need for you. Then I read down and see she freely admitted it to you. This is very, very common and it's the primary reason young men should never marry a single mother.

Furthermore, you wife has some serious personality issues. Take this quiz and see if you see anything familiar.

As far as Christianity goes, your wife is deep into what sounds like a one-way affair. Her OM, or fantasies of same, is her drug and she's a lot more interested in that than she is in The Lord or in fulfilling her obligations to you. She is in rebellion against you and in violation of her marriage contract and scripture. The Puritans would say these are grounds for divorce, but different Christian groups have different ideas about what constitutes grounds.

Here's a question for you: how often do women hit on you?

How old are you?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Awful. Just awful and abusive. I would try (almost) anything to change the dynamic of your relationship. First thing I would do is pack her stuff and throw it outside the next time she speaks to you like that. No one should have to put up with that type of abuse.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

She sounds bipolar. Have her see a shrink. You seem like a really good guy and you need some help dealing with this. Google bipolar and see if it kinda fits!


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

JP471 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I started a thread on another forum about a year ago telling this story, and have been updating all along. It's been a great help, and someone recommended posting here since there seem to be others in similar situations. Like many first-time posters here, this is long. Lucky for you, I know how to break my writing into paragraphs.
> 
> ...


She probably cheated on you already, and her fragmented psyche is attacking you to make it all make sense. They make you out to be the bad guy. There's nothing you can do, but to pull away if this is the case.

I wouldn't be hanging around in there because things only get worse. If you were to have a chance to work it out with your wife, she has to decide this. She has to go through her life lessons on her own.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JP, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a toxic, unhappy marriage.


JP471 said:


> The relationship was in conflict from the start.


JP, I suggest that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the kids are dealing with. I suggest this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, "violent hitting and kicking," and always being "The Victim" -- sound like the classic traits of a well-known personality disorder (PD). 

Even so, your W could not have strong traits of a PD if this dysfunctional behavior had started only a few years ago, at the end of your 20 year marriage. PDs arise in early childhood and start showing themselves strongly in the early teens. They do not disappear for many years at a time. It therefore is concerning that you state, "The relationship was in conflict from the start." For this reason, I ask whether you've seen most of the following behaviors at a strong level:


1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and intense anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

For those interested in reading the thread from the other site, here it is (it's something else, even by TAM standards):

Wife says she doesn't love me anymore... - AfterHim.com Forums


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> JP, while reading your story, I quickly reached the conclusion that your wife was using you as a "beta-provider" to raise her kids. Now that the job is essentially finished, she no longer has need for you. Then I read down and see she freely admitted it to you. This is very, very common and it's the primary reason young men should never marry a single mother.
> 
> Furthermore, you wife has some serious personality issues. Take this quiz and see if you see anything familiar.
> 
> ...


Love this post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JP471 (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks for all of the replies, and to Blue Firefly for the link to my other thread - he's the one who referred me here.

I did see a counselor on my own for a couple of months. It was free through a friend's church, so I don't know her credentials. It was helpful, and she gave me some good books. She went on leave and just came back a few weeks ago. I haven't made an appointment with her again yet.

She actually suspected BPD too, and loaned me the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book. I related to a lot of stories in it, and think she definitely shows some BPD traits. I haven't finished it yet. Honestly, I think something in me thinks it too late to put any of this advice to use. Maybe not though.

I keep thinking to record her, but my only recorder is on my phone, and it's not practical to grab my phone and flick through my apps to open the voice recorder. So, a VAR certainly makes more sense.

The "beta provider" comment hits home too. I've felt this way a few times over the years, but always thought it was just me.

Also, there's a family that we have been very close to since before we were married. They were her friends first. Everyone in this family has told me that they have thought she mistreated me for years. One of them was her best friend, and she told me that she asked my wife (before we got married), if she loved me. My wife told her no, but she thought she couldn't do any better, and I treated her well.

Something happened with this family about 10 years ago, and she has not trusted them since. She still visits them, but she's been judgmental and bitter about them. Now she really is negative about them because she feels they're taking my side (which they are). I hate this. I don't like to talk about our friends "taking sides", especially them because they've been like our extended family for 20+ years.

Regarding the OM - I honestly don't think anything physical happened. It would have been difficult, as we live about 30 miles from him. Also, speaking with him, I really don't think he could have gotten physical with her.

But, I still feel like she has feelings for him, even though I haven't seen any evidence since she changed her email password 10 months ago. Either way, as someone in the other forum put it; her heart is not with me, it's with this other man.

As far as other women hitting on me. I haven't really noticed it, but I'm not around many other women. I work in a very small office (usually only two of us here). So, my only contact with other women is on my bus (where I've made friends, some female), and at church. I've noticed a couple of women giving me "the eyes" a time or two in the last few months. But, I haven't noticed much else. Of course, I may just not have not had that on my radar since I'm married. ???

By the way, I'm in my early 40's.

She refuses to get any kind of help. She won't see a counselor with me, or even on her own, and won't even go to the doctor.

She has told me that she doesn't need to see a counselor because God is her counselor. 

Back to the beginning of the relationship; she gave me lots of attention (and sex) before we got married. Within a few months, I became much closer to God, and the sex issue became a struggle. I wanted to stop, but I was still a man with an attractive woman throwing herself at me.

I honestly thought we loved each other, and that she was the one. So, I was already thinking we might get married. But, she did press the issue, and I think I proposed before I was really ready.

I started to see these traits soon after I proposed. She would want me involved with planning the wedding, but she didn't seem to like my ideas or my help, and would get irritated with me. So, I'd back off and let her do things, and just be supportive and try to help if she gave me detailed instructions. Then, she'd get irritated with me because she'd want my input.

So, there was this negative circle of wanting my input, but not liking my input and shutting me off, then getting angry because I wasn't giving input, etc.... I chalked it up to stress over the wedding and didn't think much about it.

Then after the wedding, it was a lot of the same - especially when raising her son. Just always feeling like everything I did was wrong. I was either too hard, or too soft (mostly too soft).

I was in my early 20's when we got married, and had no idea what I was doing - especially when it came to parenting a strong-willed boy.

For many years, she would have angry fits about needing more help around the house. This usually coincided with her time-of-the-month, so I thought it was just her hormones.

I really feel bad about all of this. There are many things I could have done better. I just didn't know how. I've told her this, and she reminds me that I would sit at the computer learning about a hobby, but not learning about raising kids, bible study, home repairs, or other things she expected from me as the man of the house.

So, if I had spent more time learning about and doing these things, I could/would have been a better husband and father, and we might not be in this mess. So, it's easy for me to think this is all my fault.

All that said though, I don't deserve to be treated like this. She shows no forgiveness, grace, or mercy. When I bring this up, she just says, "I'm just not there", or "I just don't have any of that for you."

This past weekend, the girls wanted to go to a friend's house for a birthday party and sleepover. My older daughter is having trouble and is behind with a lot of homework (and is now in counseling for emotional issues). This daughter worked hard last week and turned in all of her regular homework on time.

But, she still has a lot of makeup work to do. My wife thought she should stay home and work on homework. She was screaming at her, "You haven't earned the right to go anywhere!!" She always seems to have some reason why they "haven't earned the right" or "don't deserve" something.

Well, I ended up going against her and taking them to the friends house.

She chewed me out for 45 minutes Friday night, and most of the day on Saturday. At one point she started hitting me again, and being on Plavix makes me bruise easily, so I've got some bruises on my arm now.

When I picked the girls up, the older one got sick in the car. We found out they didn't go to sleep until 5:00am, so she had barely slept. When we got home about 11:30am, she went to sleep.

Of course, my wife said this was my fault for letting them go. If they'd stayed home, she would have gone to bed at a decent hour, and could have been working on homework all morning. But now, because I let her go, she didn't start her homework until she woke up about 2:30pm.

I couldn't argue with my wife because it was true. This wouldn't have happened if I had "put my foot down and told them they couldn't go".

There always seems to be enough truth in her accusations that I still end up feeling like it's all my fault.

Anyway, this is probably getting too long so I'll stop here.

Thanks again to you all,
JP


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I'll tell you what, you still need counselling. You're still blaming yourself. I can tell you categorically, if you had done everything she asked, she still would have found other things to call you out on. You need to stop blaming yourself.

Also, you need to start respecting yourself. Seriously mate, you're a doormat, and you want that to continue? You need to kick her our to the kerb and move on. There's nothing for you here. Let her go.


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## JP471 (Apr 26, 2013)

I agree, and will probably resume counseling. I'm trying to find a balance between being honest, and accepting responsibility for my part in this, while trying not to blame myself.

As far as respecting myself, I'm working on that. I've been firmly standing up to her more often. I think the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book will be helpful for that as well, which I'm still reading.

And as painful as all of this is, I still have a hard time just kicking her out. We still have 20 years together and she's the mother of my children. I just don't feel good about sending her out with nothing, knowing she barely makes any money and has nowhere to live.

I've told that to some friends/relatives, and their response is generally, "That's her problem". I get that, but it's just hard to pull that trigger, although it seems to be the best thing.

Thanks,
JP


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Call the police and have her arrested for domestic violence. 

This woman is an abuser. She needs to be arrested and face the consequences of her actions. Get her out of the house until she can learn kindness, gentleness, mercy, and love. Worst of all, she is a hypocrite that makes all of us that believe on Jesus Christ look bad.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

JP471 said:


> I agree, and will probably resume counseling. I'm trying to find a balance between being honest, and accepting responsibility for my part in this, while trying not to blame myself.
> 
> As far as respecting myself, I'm working on that. I've been firmly standing up to her more often. I think the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book will be helpful for that as well, which I'm still reading.
> 
> ...


Oh really? Would you rather live the rest of your life being bullied and constantly criticized by this woman?

This isn't at all healthy, not for you, and certainly not for these children that you so obviously care about, don't you realize how this sort of fractured relationship could damage them?

If not for your own good, then for the sake of your kids, do something about this situation. And no, I don't mean go begging her. Please tell me you don't have any sons you're currently training that "it's okay for women to constantly yell and browbeat men"


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JP

Have you ever packed a bag for your wife and just left it out side the door.

Then turned around and said "I Love you but can no longer live with you"

Then ask her to leave.

If she is so in love with the OM she will go. It won't last.

But the key is to "Let Her Go".

Because no spouse should mentally, verbally or physically abuse the other.

ANd until you put your foot down it will keep happening.

If she does not want to leave then tell her she has conditions that she needs to meet in order to stay.

1. She attends IC.
2. She learns to control her temper.
3. She stops all contact with OM.

If she cannot agree to that serve her D papers.

Not because you do not love her but because you do. You just do not love the abuse.....


HM64


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## JP471 (Apr 26, 2013)

No sons at home (stepson moved out a few years ago), just the girls now. I know it's not healthy, and the older one has recently started counseling.

No, I have not just told her to leave, or packed a bag for her. She couldn't go with the OM, as he's married too.

Just about everyone who has heard about this situation (especially for two years) has said that it's time to end the marriage and move on. Staying is just causing more damage.

She has handled a lot of things since we got married. She pays the bills, she takes the car in for maintenance, she handles getting home repairs taken care of, etc.

A lot of this has been because she either hasn't worked, or was only working part time. So, it's easier for her to do these things rather than me take off work to do them.

This always made sense to me, but she often complained that I should do these things because I'm the man, or she was tired of handling things (like getting a ride to/from the mechanic when the car needed service). It just didn't make sense (to me) for me to take off work when she was already off.

Anyway, with all of this going on, I'm beginning to feel like I wouldn't know what to do if she weren't around. If I had the girls, I would have to get them to and from school, figure out what they would do between the end of school and when I could pick them up, what they would do over the summer, etc.

I assume the wife would still be involved, but she would have to work full-time to support herself, so she wouldn't be as available. And as much as she seems to hate me, I don't see us planning these things out like adults.

Honestly, I almost feel like a kid who's going to have to grow up very fast, and I don't know that I'm ready. Just fears to face, I know. I tell myself that single parents deal with these things all the time, and I can handle it.

So, I'll have my times of confidence where I believe I'll be fine without her. But I'll think and analyze myself into feeling overwhelmed with the unknown.

I've never been alone. I was living at home with my mom when we got married. So, I went from living with my mom to living with my wife. The thought of having to handle everything is also more overwhelming because it's not just me - I'd have the girls too.

Also, I don't know what kind of reaction I would get from her if I were to file for divorce. On the times when I said I think we should get divorced, she often would get angry and say that she can't believe I would give up so easily, after only two years (when she has put up with me for 19 years), and say she can't believe I haven't fought for her.

Thanks again,
JP


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jason 

Can I offer you a plan.

File for Divorce. Surprise your wife with the papers. Give her a heart attack.

Then tell her this if you truly feel this way:

"Honey I love you. But you have become a very hateful person towards me. And the utter lack of respect you have for me has worn me down and made me sick.

We have a decision to make. We take these next 6 months and repair the marriage while you get counseling for your anger issues?

Or we can say goodbye right now and you can go off with your email OM and go be a missionary for Jesus Christ.

Either way it will take a few months for the Divorce to be processed.

So what will it be?"

Her decision will tell you what she values most. And do not let her think about it.

And if she blows you offf or has a temper tantrum then take that as a yes for Divorce and ask her to sign the papers.

And do not get me wrong I am Pro Reconciliation. But not when your health or families well being is at stake.

HM64


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

The selfishness of your wife is appalling. Stand up for yourself or she will continue to abuse you.


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

The whole fight for me/give up so easily is manipulation. You stuck through alot stuff that many(most) would not consider putting up with. Do you have any hobbies? Things you always wanted to do bu. could not because of her? Financial goals or other goals she kept you from reaching? Being alone can be lonely but the world can be your oyster.


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## JP471 (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks for the additional replies.

HappyMan - That sounds like a good plan, and others have suggested similar.

I wouldn't be surprised if her "fight for me" thing is manipulation.

I do have some hobbies, but feel like I can't do them without a negative consequence from her. I can't take out my camera because she gets angry because I "stole" it from her.

I can't play my guitar because she will forcefully burst into the room and tell me, "I don't want to hear that!" She's done this several times, just two nights ago in fact.

You may say to just do it anyway, and let her get ticked off. I've gotten this attitude before, and thought, I live here and pay the bills, I'm an adult, I'll take pictures or play guitar if I want. However, she'll angrily attack me, and it just takes the fun out of it. In addition, she's threatened to smash both my camera and guitar. Neither is cheap.

She has actually thrown my guitar (in the hard case) on the bed and forcefully opened it and pulled it out. Then she started waving it around and bouncing it on the floor asking what I would do if she broke my "precious" guitar, and screaming that I take better care of my guitar than I ever took of her. I don't take any special care of it, just quickly wipe it down when I do play it (which isn't often because she throws a fit, as I said above).

She keeps telling me - almost every day now - to just call someone and have the papers drawn up. But, I don't know how serious she really is, because she could just leave.

Last night I kind of lost it with her. I planned to go to home group, so I was in a hurry to leave (it takes about 45 minutes to get there). So, I raced into the house, went to the bathroom, and was about to get back out the door to go. She stopped me and asked if I was going to take the girls, since they don't have homework this week. Her tone was rude as always, and had a tinge of "if you were a real father, you'd invite your girls". She didn't say that, but she just had an accusing tone.

Then she said something like, "You need to stay here and we need to talk about this!" I told her that I was not going to sit and listen to her yell at me again for hours, and that I would only stay if she had something new or positive to say.

Then she said, "Oh yeah, well maybe I was going to go to home group tonight!"

That kind of made me angry because I knew she didn't really want to go, but was just trying to delay me or pull me into another tirade. There was some back-and-forth for 10 minutes or so, and I left. As I left, she again said to make sure I call someone about the paperwork.

Shortly after, she sent me a text saying that I'm not the bad guy, she is, and that's why she needs out, and that I deserve someone better, and she only wants her clothes.

This morning while we were getting ready for work, she just lay on the bed, on her side, with her hair covering her face. Just strange. I stood and looked at her for a minute, thinking maybe she was vulnerable, and maybe I could say just the right thing to get a positive response from her. I keep thinking/hoping maybe she'll just collapse into tears and apologize for everything. 

Well, she brushed her hair away and saw me standing there. She yelled, "What are you doing?!?! Stop staring at me!!" So much for a sweet, vulnerable moment.

The only other thing she said to me all morning was as I was walking out the door; "Make sure you call someone today. If you don't call someone, I will, and then I'll take you for half of everything".

Thanks again,
JP


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

JP471 said:


> She keeps telling me - almost every day now - to just call someone and have the papers drawn up. But, I don't know how serious she really is, because she could just leave.
> 
> The only other thing she said to me all morning was as I was walking out the door; "Make sure you call someone today. If you don't call someone, I will, and then I'll take you for half of everything".


The only way to stop her from threatening you like this is to actually do it--file for divorce.

She makes these threats, because (1) she knows you won't do it, and (2) the fact that you don't do it, even after she demands you do it, gives her confidence that she has complete control--of you, your marriage, and your life.



> I live here and pay the bills


You're right, you pay the bills; she's financially dependent on you, but she acts like you are the one dependent on her.

Why don't you open a new checking account (at a different bank) and start having your pay checks electronically deposited to the new account? 

Don't tell her ahead of time you are going to do it, just do it. Don't tell her the name of the bank; don't give her access to the account; don't give her her access to the checkbook; don't give her anything.

Ally is an internet bank in the US, it doesn't even have any physical branches. I believe you said you were the UK; I'm sure they have similar banks. Just go online and open a bank account. It will take less time than writing your next post.

Take one step--one tiny step--towards independence; towards standing up to her and for yourself. 

Eventually, she'll notice there isn't any money in the old checking account. She'll pitch a fit, but by that time it will be too late--you will have made the change. And, you will have (finally) sent a signal that things must change.

Barking dogs are usually the quickest to back down; they're all bluff, when another dog bears its teeth to fight, the barking dog runs away. 

She threatens divorce and taking all your money; that's just her barking like a scared dog. She is using reverse psychology. She fears divorce more than anything, and she is trying to prevent it by making you fear it; by making you think she really wants a divorce. She doesn't; she's *afraid* of a divorce.

Take one pro-active step.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

JP471 said:


> Thanks for the additional replies.
> 
> HappyMan - That sounds like a good plan, and others have suggested similar.
> 
> ...


Call someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Thound said:


> Call someone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


+1

Call someone.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

There is a good chance you will lose everything in a traditional divorce. Do you really want this woman raising your children? She either doesn't know right from wrong, or she doesn't care. I strongly suggest you have her arrested for domestic violence- and press charges full steam ahead- before you file. Insist on full custody, her paying you child support, and she takes all of the marital debt.
Also, get a voice recorder and record all conversations moving forward. This is an absolute must.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

wilderness said:


> There is a good chance you will lose everything in a traditional divorce. Do you really want this woman raising your children? She either doesn't know right from wrong, or she doesn't care. I strongly suggest you have her arrested for domestic violence- and press charges full steam ahead- before you file. Insist on full custody, her paying you child support, and she takes all of the marital debt.
> Also, get a voice recorder and record all conversations moving forward. This is an absolute must.


I hate to say it but Wilderness is right.

This might the first step in getting your life under your control.

It s time for you to make a plan.....


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Are we talking about my STBXW? other that the hitting and the step kids this sounds exactly what I am going through...wow.. 

I'm in therapy and I suggest you do too. The best thing I ever did after the nasty things mine said too....


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

The problem is that he doesn't want his marriage to end. He doesn't want her to leave. That's the main issue. Any solution, logical though it sounds to the rest of us, that involves him divorcing her is simply not a feasible solution to him. I think what the op really wants advice result in him remaining married to her.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Get. a. lawyer. NOW!!


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

caladan said:


> The problem is that he doesn't want his marriage to end. He doesn't want her to leave. That's the main issue. Any solution, logical though it sounds to the rest of us, that involves him divorcing her is simply not a feasible solution to him. I think what the op really wants advice result in him remaining married to her.


The deeper problem seems to be that the OP avoids conflict at all costs.

I you read the thread on the other site linked here, it has been over a year of trying solve this problem without confronting her.

He simply can't let go of the idea that he can resolve their issues by being nicer.

The guy had a heart attack, because (imho) of the stress his wife puts him under. Yet, even that hasn't shocked him out of his non-confrontational attitude. I'm actually concerned the guy is going to die from another heart attack, because it seems the stress level at his home only got worse after the last one.

Calling a lawyer is probably too big a leap for him at this point. It would be helpful if he could find one thing--one small baby step--he could take. That's why I suggested establishing his own checking account and taking control of his finances.

He needs something to get the ball rolling. Some simple, small action he can take so he can learn that conflict with his wife isn't the end of the world.


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## JP471 (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks for the additional replies.

By the way Blue Firefly - I'm in the US.

Caladan & Blue Firefly - I hate to say it, but I think you're both right. I really don't know why I put it up with it, especially after the heart attack and the obvious emotional effect on my older daughter.

I've been sharing this situation with some friends and family all along, for over two years. At this point, most of them seem to think I'm an idiot for letting it go on so long, and that I should have ended it by now.

I just keep seeing/hearing her do/say things that make me feel like she knows she's lost it. I think maybe it's a hormonal thing that will correct itself, and at some point she'll be "right" again and things will be back to normal. This makes me want to hang on.

That said, this has gotten me to look back over the whole relationship, and I'm realizing that she's always been a bit controlling, and I've never really seemed to please her. There would be times when she seemed to enjoy something, but then later (especially now), she points out problems.

And now I think about the things I want to do, and most of them I feel like I'm not "allowed" to do - because she doesn't want me to. But she can just do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

When I got home last night, my daughter pointed out that my wife had gotten a new laptop. Apparently hers died. So, she spent $650 on a laptop without a word to me about it. That's kind of a major purchase.

So, I think about the positives of ending the marriage. The control and abuse should stop, and I would gain some freedom. I could come home and she wouldn't even be there, so no screaming or uncomfortable silence, or walking on eggshells. At some point in the future, I could try to find a woman who I really have things in common with, who actually wants to be with me.

But I think of the negatives. My responsibilities and schedule would change dramatically. And what if I can't find another woman I connect with at all? Or, what if I have to "settle" for someone I'm not really attracted to? I know, just dwelling on imagined negatives.

So I find myself debating what's going to make me happy faster - fixing this with her, or ending this and eventually finding someone else?

And you guys are right, I don't do well with conflict, and will generally do whatever I can to avoid it. This is one reason why the whole marriage has been stressful for me. However, I do have my limits and have gotten there a few times.

Regarding setting up a separate account. I do have a separate account at our same bank. It's connected to our joint, but it's a one-way connection and she doesn't have access. I could easily have my paycheck deposit into my separate account instead. Honestly I don't want to do that, cut her off, as a surprise. Plus, our bills are paid through the joint account.

I would rather her know I was doing something like that. Although it might teach her a lesson, I don't know that I want to just cut her off financially without warning.

I did end up calling an attorney yesterday to set up a consultation. I had to leave a message and they haven't called me back yet, but I will probably do it, at least to find out what my options are, and what they recommend.

We're all miserable and I think I'm finally convinced to actively make something happen. I know she's not just going to suddenly want to be with me again, unless I suddenly start doing everything right by her, which I don't believe is possible.

Thanks again,
JP


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

JP471 said:


> Regarding setting up a separate account. I do have a separate account at our same bank. It's connected to our joint, but it's a one-way connection and she doesn't have access. I could easily have my paycheck deposit into my separate account instead. Honestly I don't want to do that, cut her off, as a surprise. *Plus, our bills are paid through the joint account.*


That's an excuse, plain and simple. There's nothing stopping you from paying your bills out of your account.



> I would rather her know I was doing something like that.


Why, honestly why?



> ...I don't know that I want to just cut her off financially without warning.


You're *not* cutting her off financially. The bills will still get paid; the groceries will still be purchased; she will still have money to maker other purchases. The only difference is you will now control how the money is doled out.



> *I know she's not just going to suddenly want to be with me again, unless I suddenly start doing everything right by her*, which I don't believe is possible.


Here is your core problem. You still believe the above statement is true; you are still holding out hope that this could happen.

Intellectually, you know this will never happen, but your heart is holding out hope. Your heart is wrong; your intellect is right.


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