# My Husband's Best Friend



## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

My husband has been friends with his best friend (let's call him...Chris) for over twenty five years. They have always been close, my husband's parents call Chris their son and my sister-in-laws call him their brother. So the relationship is very tightly knitted. I met my husband at college but due to me never liking Chris, my husband and I never got together. It was only after Chris migrated that we started dating and eventually getting married. My husband was well aware of my dislike for Chris. 

Due to my dislike of Chris my husband rarely brought him around me whenever he visited. But about five years ago I decided that it was time I grew up and make an effort to at least get to know Chris for my husband's sake. My husband was elated.

Chris visited a few times and I made an effort to get to know him, and found that I liked him very much and even became friends with his wife and son. However over the past year and a half or so, Chris has me questioning my sanity on whether or not he coming onto me or not. He has never directly come onto me but he has insinuated as much, even in front of my husband.

For example: Chris and I were waiting for my husband to finish dressing so that they could go out together, and my son, then three years old, yelled at him and said "stop looking at my mother." At the time I was not facing him so I can't say in which way he was looking at me but it unnerved my son enough to yell at him. I was kind of embarrassed by my son's actions, I quieted him down and even apologized to Chris for his behavior.

Another incident occurred when my husband, Chris, my own best friend and I went out to lunch together. And Chris told my friend that he had always loved some distinct physical features of hers, however all of these features were mine and not hers. My best friend later said it was funny how he mixed us up. This was in front of my husband. 

The next time he did something similar, this time while we were dining with my husband's family. He said that he had always liked me first, with a long delayed pause, for my husband. And most recently he sent me a picture of himself and my son, and an hour later sent my husband the same picture.

I tried talking to both my husband and my best friend about it and they have both said that it is all in my head. That Chris would never come onto me. But it is driving me crazy, because I feel like he is coming onto me and then again maybe not. However my insistence on this had cause issues in my marriage. I eventually decided to let it go as I only have to deal with Chris on his short visits which does not last more than a week about twice a year. 

However, my fears has taken a new course because Chris has convinced my husband to vacation with him and family this summer. We are to stay at his home. I told my husband that I do not want to stay at Chris' house, which is the source of many of our arguments lately. I told him I would rather we stay at a hotel. But my husband says I am trying to embarrass him and hurt his friend's feelings. He keeps insisting that it is all in my head and that his friend who is like his brother would never come onto me.

This situation has left me feeling alone and frustrated. I have no one to talk to, as the two people I share everything with thinks that I am blowing it all out of proportion. 

Am I?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

What is important here are YOUR boundaries, not Chris's and not your husband's. Although it may be a little disconcerting at times, just keep turning the conversation back to your husband. 

"Wow, you look great tonight!" "Thanks, my husband loves this dress and I like to wear it for him." 

You see how that works? Men who flirt with married women are looking for a lack of boundaries. Like a crack in a wall, they will chip away at it. But, if YOU have good boundaries, there will be no problems. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It sounds like he is phishing. If it remains constant and vague perhaps not but if it increase in frequency and directness then he is really phishing. What TX-SC said is the key. It's all about boundaries. Avoid time alone with him. Don't respond to compliments. Redirect topics to include your husband. Always talk positively about your husband and don't talk about the state of your marriage except to say its good. 

He may offer favors or other things. You should politely refuse them and not let them be an excuse for more time with him or time alone with him. Try to always be with your husband around him.

Eventually he will get the message that your marriage is your priority.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sunshinie said:


> My husband has been friends with his best friend (let's call him...Chris) for over twenty five years. They have always been close, my husband's parents call Chris their son and my sister-in-laws call him their brother. So the relationship is very tightly knitted. I met my husband at college but due to me never liking Chris, my husband and I never got together. It was only after Chris migrated that we started dating and eventually getting married. My husband was well aware of my dislike for Chris.
> 
> Due to my dislike of Chris my husband rarely brought him around me whenever he visited. But about five years ago I decided that it was time I grew up and make an effort to at least get to know Chris for my husband's sake. My husband was elated.
> 
> ...



You have not clarified why you have always disliked Chris from the beginning?

I doubt very much if a three year old boy would be able to gauge innuendo or wrong type of looks, (that surely is in your head).
Your other examples are not so convincing either.

Is there something from before you are not telling us about connected to your dislike of Chris from way back? Did he assault you, did you fancy him, etc. 

There is something very incomplete about your version of events.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sunshinie said:


> My husband has been friends with his best friend (let's call him...Chris) for over twenty five years. They have always been close, my husband's parents call Chris their son and my sister-in-laws call him their brother. So the relationship is very tightly knitted. I met my husband at college but due to me never liking Chris, my husband and I never got together. It was only after Chris migrated that we started dating and eventually getting married. My husband was well aware of my dislike for Chris.
> 
> Due to my dislike of Chris my husband rarely brought him around me whenever he visited. But about five years ago I decided that it was time I grew up and make an effort to at least get to know Chris for my husband's sake. My husband was elated.
> 
> ...


You never explain why you didn't like him at first. Without that it's hard to tell if this is confirmation bios or something real.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

In our case it was my wife's friends' who flirted with me. Seems that my picture and stories about my sexual abilities were passed along by word of mouth. My wife invited each of her friends into our bed for a threesome. Did not know my wife was realizing she is bisexual and using me as bait. So I had sex with each of her girlfriends. Her best friend, who we found out was bi only when we had a threesome, ended up with her own room in our home and joining us in a poly triad for most of out 44 years of marriage. Two of my friend's wives offered me sex. So beware of friends. The problem with friends is that you both have feelings for each other on some level, if even just friendship. Given a any, and I mean any if even passive, sign that their advances are welcome, they will work on you until you give in. You will think you have it under control, until the day that you do not. 

My ex fiancee cheated on me with a friend who was always friendly with her. My ex girlfriend cheated on me with one of my best friends who was sharing a house with me. When it comes to sex, all bets are off and when emotions come into play, we humans tend to make bad choices. I think you are aware of the danger. I also think that you are flattered that someone other than your husband thinks you are hot and are doing nothing to stop his behavior because you like it and feeds your ego. I have been there myself. You have to decide how to handle this, but it has to be either a clean break, telling your husband why or play with fire and risk your marriage. I lost a fiancee of 5 years to a friend who liked to flirt with her and the same with an ex girlfriend. I was naive in those days but not anymore. Sex is the reason for our existence. Nothing else we do will pass our genes on after we are gone. It is our strongest urge. Rich, powerful and famous people have destroyed their marriages and lives because of sex. Do not think you are stronger than they are. If you swim with the sharks there is a very good chance that you will be bitten.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are concerned about this vacation, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you, and hidden, when you are around this guy. This would be especially important if you find your self alone in the house or elsewhere with him. 

That way, if he really does come on to you, you can play it back to your husband. And hopefully your husband will also hear you responding appropriately to Chris.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

You have not clarified why you have always disliked Chris from the beginning?

I doubt very much if a three year old boy would be able to gauge innuendo or wrong type of looks, (that surely is in your head).
Your other examples are not so convincing either.... 

To be specific why I have always disliked Chris was because his conversation mostly leaned on the topics that bordered on blasphemy against God and disrespect towards women. The two things which are very important to me. One being I am a Christian and the next being I am a woman. A friend of mine had told me back then that he only talked like that when I was around because he knew it pissed me off. And that I should ignore him. Which I did by leaving whenever he came around. 

The part about my son, as I said I am not sure. But my son is very intelligent and highly sensitive. And I usually take his observation seriously as he has on more than one occasion been right about things he has observed and opinions he has formed. I don't discount his opinions because of age.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

It sounds like he is phishing. If it remains constant and vague perhaps not but if it increase in frequency and directness then he is really phishing...


I do not put myself in a position to be alone with him. I avoid him every chance I get. Whenever my husband moves away from me I usually go right behind him. Which agrivates my husband because he says I am behaving childish. I guess it would be easier for me if my husband would appear to at least consider my plight.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

*If you are concerned about this vacation, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and ke*

This vacation is stressing me out. My husband and I do almost everything together and I follow him around where ever he goes. He was hurt when I told to do this trip without me. The only time we really argue is when I bring up the "Chris situation". Which I don't now. But because I can't get any resolution it's on my mind all the time. Which means Chris is on my mind all the time. I think up scenarios where he comes onto me, what should I do in such a situation, and should I scream, I should I slap him, should I give him a stern talking to...on and on I go. I think by the summer I would have aged ten years. 

I just wished my husband would believe me and at least protect me from it. From Chris. He is always so hands on with me and in this case he has left me out in the cold it feels like.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

You've got some good advice so far. All I can add is your husband is lucky to have a wife with good boundaries. He's a lucky idiot. Many women would like the attention, and then it would be your husband on here for other reasons.

The VAR idea is good, but you would need to not shut him down, so that he escalates to proper evidence. But don't encourage either, because that would get turned into "you led him on".


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am surprised that as a good Christian woman you are married to a man who has a friend like Chris, something doesn't add up. I would think you would have married a Christian too? Then how come your H isn't offended by Chris' behavior too?


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Chris is a single guy. He wants to bang you. Most guys do, single or not. How they express it is another matter. 

I, for example, treat all my women friends as just that. They are friends and I respect that. I don't even approach boundaries in front of them. I keep it all to my imagination as I am...thinking of them late at night.

Some I talk a little dirty with. They like that and I like that. No hope for sex, so I don't even try. I just think of this set of friends a little more often late at night. 

Some might take it to a little kissy-kissy. Some just say "screw it, let's ****". 

And some, like Chris, fall dead square into the middle of that pack. With one small difference: HE doesn't know how to handle it socially as well as those of us that know better. 

Trust me: The guy that behaves himself around you has just as much of a chance to try to lick your tonsils when hubby goes to pee as does Chris. More so, I'd say. Chris is VERY awkward socially. I don't see him making a move. That polite, quiet player sitting over in the corner by himself however...

SUMMARY: Your problem with Chris is one of degree. Chris's problem is that he's socially awkward. He's wired just like every one of your other mail friends. Most of them want to bed you. Sorry to say.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I believe you have a right to be concerned, both by Chris and by your husband. A marriage should consist of good, open communication and each partner should listen to the other's concerns. Your husband is basically choosing Chris over you right now, and that needs to change. 

I agree with protecting yourself with a VAR. Just try not to be alone with Chris. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: If you are concerned about this vacation, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) an*



sunshinie said:


> This vacation is stressing me out. My husband and I do almost everything together and I follow him around where ever he goes. He was hurt when I told to do this trip without me. The only time we really argue is when I bring up the "Chris situation". Which I don't now. *But because I can't get any resolution it's on my mind all the time. Which means Chris is on my mind all the time. I think up scenarios where he comes onto me, what should I do in such a situation, and should I scream, I should I slap him, should I give him a stern talking to...on and on I go. I think by the summer I would have aged ten years.
> 
> *I just wished my husband would believe me and at least protect me from it. From Chris. He is always so hands on with me and in this case he has left me out in the cold it feels like.


Are you frequently beset by obsessive thoughts in other areas of your life? I ask because the bold above seems rather...intense...given the facts of the situation you've relayed here. It feels like an out of proportion reaction to what even you admit is a situation you aren't 100% sure of. It seems like you may be obsessing over possibilities - ones that may or may not actually be possible. If these types of intrusive thoughts are a problem for you in other, non-Chris-related, areas of you life it may be a symptom of mild (or not) OCD, or perhaps of some type of generalized anxiety issue. 

Otherwise, there seem to be a few things that spring to mind:

One, you're allowing this situation to occupy way too much of your brain space. You need to find ways to occupy your thoughts that aren't related to this. You can control your thoughts. So when you find yourself ruminating over Chris, re-direct your thoughts to other things. If you're disciplined and consistent, it should get easier to not think so obsessively about this situation. 

Two, you seem to really be pushing for Chris to be hitting on you and for this situation to be a real problem. Your husband and best friend don't seem to see the situation as you do. I'm sure Chris is probably flirting, but that doesn't have to be a huge deal. Shut him down. You have that power. Don't respond to innuendos, don't spend time alone with him, have strong boundaries of your own. He'll either get the hint and stop, or this is just his personality and he'll keep it up but won't escalate. Because you will not let him escalate. Making a huge deal about a man hitting on you, when even you aren't really sure that he is, and he's not actually done or said anything inappropriate, sort of feels like you're drama-shopping. 

Three, how is your marriage otherwise? Are you getting as much attention and emotional connection from your husband as you'd like? How's your self-esteem? You seem very insistent that your husband do something to "save" you from Chris's (maybe) advances. Some women feel the need to be regarded as the fair damsel, while they need their partner to play knight in shining armor for them, in a sort of fairy-tale drama. Might this be what's going on? Because the truth is that you _don't_ need your husband to save you from this. There's really no dragon here. Your husband isn't required to be your white knight. You aren't a helpless damsel, and you can take care of yourself, particularly with the "threat" is something so benign as a friend of your husband's who may or may not actually be hitting on you.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

I never liked him before because of his conversations. Back then he always made these really offensive jokes against Christ and women. And it offended me both as a Christian and a woman. Also I was pretty much sheltered and at that time in life I had never heard anyone speak that way. As such whenever he came around my friends I left. A friend later told me that he only spoke that way when I was around because it angered me, and that I should just ignored him. But I never could stomach it his jokes as such I never stayed around his company.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Yeah i agree. I do avoid him but my husband gets upset because he says I am being childish. He is convinced it is nothing and that it is all in my head. It frustrates me because I don't feel like my husband is taking my feelings into consideration and trying to protect me from his friend. It's like he leaving me out in the cold, which is unusual for him. He is always protective and gentle with me, but when it comes to Chris it's like I am the enemy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds to me like you are likely blowing this out of proportion. Go on the vacation and enjoy yourself, stop focusing on this guy. If he actually finally comes onto you for real, then you deal with it, simple as that. Shut him down. Maybe if you lightened up a little, he would just leave you alone, because it sounds like he says things simply to get a rise out of you most of the time.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

I have never been in a relationship with anyone but my husband. He was my first everything. So my issue at is not about the sexual side of it all because in truth I can't see beyond my husband in that regard. And I have never analyzed my feelings for Chris outside of my disdain towards him. On a conscious level I am not attracted to him or feel flattered by his attention. 

What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy and yeah, it is time to move past the past because we are all grown up, with families now and have changed. We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband. Once I had to look after a problem for him and I communicated to him through my husband even though he would have texted me directly. And even then I made sure I showed my husband his messages. It's not like he is troll, he quite an attractive man, its just that I feel insulted and betrayed by his actions and the fact that he is doing right in front of my husband pisses me off. The sad part of it all is that my husband didn't even know he was talking about me, he had forgotten about the moles on my lip, the one by my eyes and my dimples- SMH. My friend has neither of these things, so I don't think it was an innocent mistake.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

sunshine,

Perhaps go in the other direction, allow it to progress to where he is texting you etc. Save all the incriminating messages, try and find out the names of other women he has cheated with. 

Then send all of the correspondence to his wife, inform the husbands of other women has cheated with. Bingo problem solved. Don't threaten or warn anyone just do it. Enjoy the sting.

Consider it a public service like curing AIDs.

Tamat


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sunshinie said:


> Yeah i agree. I do avoid him but my husband gets upset because he says I am being childish. He is convinced it is nothing and that it is all in my head. It frustrates me because I don't feel like my husband is taking my feelings into consideration and trying to protect me from his friend. It's like he leaving me out in the cold, which is unusual for him. He is always protective and gentle with me, but when it comes to Chris it's like I am the enemy.


First things first....trust your gut. It is never wrong. If your gut is screaming that something is not right then trust it! 

Second, you H is protecting Chris. Your H should be listening to your concerns and address these concerns. Simply writing it off as you being crazy is less than stellar support from your H. Your H needs to check himself and put you first with your concerns. Nothing worse than your significant other not trusting what you are saying/feeling. Sure, everyone says Chris would not do such a thing. Does anyone REALLY know Chris and what he does or does not? Apparently Chris' actions around your dictate Chris does such things. 

As someone suggested, keep your boundaries intact. Always do your best to keep you H in any conversation you might have with Chris.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your tactic of using your husband as a front man when dealing with Chris is very wise. Many problematic situations could have been avoided if others had done so. Have you read "Not Just Friends"? At this point keeping your boundaries is all you can do.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> I have never been in a relationship with anyone but my husband. He was my first everything. So my issue at is not about the sexual side of it all because in truth I can't see beyond my husband in that regard. And I have never analyzed my feelings for Chris outside of my disdain towards him. On a conscious level I am not attracted to him or feel flattered by his attention.
> 
> 
> 
> What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy and yeah, it is time to move past the past because we are all grown up, with families now and have changed. We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband. Once I had to look after a problem for him and I communicated to him through my husband even though he would have texted me directly. And even then I made sure I showed my husband his messages. It's not like he is troll, he quite an attractive man, its just that I feel insulted and betrayed by his actions and the fact that he is doing right in front of my husband pisses me off. The sad part of it all is that my husband didn't even know he was talking about me, he had forgotten about the moles on my lip, the one by my eyes and my dimples- SMH. My friend has neither of these things, so I don't think it was an innocent mistake.



Hi actions are making you uncomfortable. That's all that you need to say to your husband. For this reason alone, you are right to let your husband know that you are implementing boundaries for yourself whenever Chris is around- and that means 1. You will not vacation in the same house with Chris. 2. You do not want to be alone with Chris. 3. You are willing to be around Chris and his wife as married couples, but only in limited amounts. 

There's nothing wrong with this. Your husband doesn't have to agree with you or understand, he just needs to know that these are your boundaries for socializing with this friend and if they aren't possible, you will not be going on this vacation nor will Chris be staying in your home when he visits.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is all quite brazen of Chris to pursue you right in front of your H and his family. What in the world can he hope to achieve by this other than a broken friendship and a divorce. I would bring this up to your H that he does make you uncomfortable and you don't want unfortunate things to happen because of it. Hopefully your H takes the hint and opts for at least a hotel.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy... We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband.



I think she LIKES him, likes him.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> I have never been in a relationship with anyone but my husband. He was my first everything. So my issue at is not about the sexual side of it all because in truth I can't see beyond my husband in that regard. And I have never analyzed my feelings for Chris outside of my disdain towards him. On a conscious level I am not attracted to him or feel flattered by his attention.
> 
> What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy and yeah, it is time to move past the past because we are all grown up, with families now and have changed. We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband. Once I had to look after a problem for him and I communicated to him through my husband even though he would have texted me directly. And even then I made sure I showed my husband his messages. It's not like he is troll, he quite an attractive man, its just that I feel insulted and betrayed by his actions and the fact that he is doing right in front of my husband pisses me off. The sad part of it all is that my husband didn't even know he was talking about me, he had forgotten about the moles on my lip, the one by my eyes and my dimples- SMH. My friend has neither of these things, so I don't think it was an innocent mistake.


You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some of the same qualities you like on your husband, and that he's an attractive guy. I think you are attracted to him, possibly not consciously, and are looking for your husband to mate guard. It really is up to your husband to step up if you are maintaining boundaries and Chris does not get the hint.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some of the same qualities you like on your husband, and that he's an attractive guy. I think you are attracted to him, possibly not consciously, and are looking for your husband to mate guard. It really is up to your husband to step up if you are maintaining boundaries and Chris does not get the hint.


Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Stop liking him again.

If I don't like someone, they stop wanting to hang out with me.

Group setting is fine.

Keep your boundaries and sounds like you will be fine.

I actually trust your son's instincts about Chris looking at you.

Tell him to look at his wife instead.

Mrs. C and I have good friends that we flirt with, harmlessly, but we totally trust them as well.

Just give him the cold shoulder.

The VAR idea is excellent!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.


How can she hint anymore than actually coming out and telling him? The husband has to see for himself, since he thinks it is all in her head. I'm sure Chris is testing the waters with her, while being careful when the husband is around.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

*I am surprised that as a good Christian woman you are married to a man who has a frie*

Actually my husband is hindu. And yet i do believe i am good Christian. My husband is a very good man better than most. I it difficult to give 100% details of ones everyday life in forum, so of you will not have all the details but understand this my husband is awesome. He has always been.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

*You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some of*

Dont know what a mate guard is. But yeah, i am looking to my husband to protect me as he always does. He is the one that fights for me and puts everyone and everything in its place where i am concerned. This even includes our parents. But one situation has me thrown because he is not usually like this. His passivity in this case goes against his usual aggressive nature. And to be direct, i am not attracted to Chris.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

*Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.*

Yeah. That is exactly where the problem lies. Chris is not the first man to have ever come onto me and i doubt he will be last. It is just time my husband is not on my side. He refuses to acknowledge the douchy-ness of his bff


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

*Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.*

I am an intense person. I do obsess over things until figure it out and solve them. This 'weakness' has made me very successful in business and in my marriage.

My marriage is excellent and i do get my husband's attention except in this. A damsel in distress? No. I am 3rd degree black belt. 

I just want to husband to acknowledge the problem, not to go beat up on Chris. I just want him to say no you are not crazy. Yeah i get and I will be there for u. If that desire is one of fairy tales then yeah i want it.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

*Re: Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem li*



sunshinie said:


> I am an intense person. I do obsess over things until figure it out and solve them. This 'weakness' has made me very successful in business and in my marriage.
> 
> My marriage is excellent and i do get my husband's attention except in this. A damsel in distress? No. I am 3rd degree black belt.
> 
> I just want to husband to acknowledge the problem, not to go beat up on Chris. I just want him to say no you are not crazy. Yeah i get and I will be there for u. If that desire is one of fairy tales then yeah i want it.


Reasonable expectations for your husband. Is Chris also Hindu? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*Re: Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem li*



sunshinie said:


> I am an intense person. I do obsess over things until figure it out and solve them. This 'weakness' has made me very successful in business and in my marriage.
> 
> My marriage is excellent and i do get my husband's attention except in this. A damsel in distress? No. I am 3rd degree black belt.
> 
> I just want to husband to acknowledge the problem, not to go beat up on Chris. I just want him to say no you are not crazy. Yeah i get and I will be there for u. If that desire is one of fairy tales then yeah i want it.


That's completely reasonable. Anyone would want their spouse to put the marriage above a friendship. This issue could come between you and affect the marriage if your husband isn't willing to respect your feelings about this friend. If you do not want to spend time with this friend because his behavior bothers you, your husband should not continue to try to force you to do so.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is a dangerous situation. His flirting has you questioning your husbands love. You're wondering if your hubby Is ok with being disrespected? Does he not trust my judgement?

I'm concerned that you're going to be vulnerable to any bold move this guy makes. I've read so many threads from WWs that said they were not into the OM at first until he boldly came pursued them. Once the OM made their move, it was game on. 

You better watch yourself, because my reading of what you've shared is that despite your protestations of not being attracted to him, that he has you in a tizzy.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

*Re: You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some*



sunshinie said:


> Dont know what a mate guard is. But yeah, i am looking to my husband to protect me as he always does. He is the one that fights for me and puts everyone and everything in its place where i am concerned. This even includes our parents. But one situation has me thrown because he is not usually like this. His passivity in this case goes against his usual aggressive nature. And to be direct, i am not attracted to Chris.


Mate guarding is essentially what you are asking your husband to do, and what is required here. Chris is pushing boundaries and making you uncomfortable. By mate guarding, your husband would be letting Chris know you are his and Chris is to back off, or there will be consequences.

When they were single, who was more of the leader between them? If they went out together and pursued girls, who got the "hot" friend or who had first choice? You may not know the answer to this, but I'm guessing Chris.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

In my honest opinion, there is some level of attraction to Chris or his actions. People can lie and deceive themselves to deal with reality because of guilt or other reasons. For example, parents lie when they state they love their children equally, people lie when they state they love their pets like children when brain scans prove otherwise. It makes them happier and able to deal with themselves better. WE all do this to varying degrees.

Chris pursues you and it makes you probably feel more desirable or attractive. That stimuli is coming from Chris. It may make you feel uncomfortable but there is likely a reaction. Attraction is not a true or false thing, it is based on a scale. The more you know of Chris, the more his attractive qualities show. There is probably a level of attraction on how he challenges you with his humor or lack there of to get a reaction from you. There is a push pull game Chris is doing that you are not aware of. You feel a threat because there is likely a threat.

This is all conjecture as no one really knows Chris even those that claim to know him. people wear masks in different settings and around different people.

Perhaps he is making you uncomfortable because you detest him but you like aspects of him. As I state, people can adn will deceive themselves. It is okay to feel attracted to Chris but just be aware of it and place boundaries. Relationship can only progress as far as someone willing to invest in it. It takes time, thought and energy. Being around Chris only solidifies that bond. All it takes is a level of attraction to flip that switch from friends to more. So now, there is some level of attraction though initially not attracted to him. Being antagonistic can induce attraction as part of the push and pull of attraction. It is like a play, a game.

Not helping that your husband is probably blind to Chris because he loves him like family or close enough to one. You may be his wife, but Chris and him go way back. He will get more defensive about Chris to protect that bond. He thinks he knows Chris but people wear mask and love creates blind spots about loved ones.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

What's happening here is painfully simple, IMO.

Your husband is not mate-guarding you, which is what you want. He is not doing it because this is his best friend of 25 years and refuses to see what's potentially happening. Or he does see what's happening, and wants to avoid conflict.

The real issue is not Chris, it's your husband. You are constantly being put in an awkward or uncomfortable position, and he is refusing to hear this.

The solution is not all that difficult, I don't think, especially when it comes to the vacation. Tell your husband flat-out that you do not want to go on vacation with this guy. And don't. The next time he's around, go make yourself busy, or make other plans. It's okay to do this, you're within your rights.

My best friend did not like my ex wife, and that was okay. It bothered me a little bit, but that's life. He simply didn't see eye-to-eye with her and she just rubbed him the wrong way. In retrospect, it's entirely possibly my ex wife fancied him, and he, being the good friend, was having none of it. I don't know. I doubt that, but it's possible. More likely, he just saw her for the person she was while I was in the 'love fog'. When we divorced - 14 years later - the first thing he said to me was "Good!"

But it's okay to not like your spouses friend, or for your friend to not like your spouse, or any other combination. You tried (eventually) and now you're here. Your husband should respect this, instead of shrugging it off and insisting on taking vacations with him. He can still spend time with his best friend, without you having to be involved. I did this for 14 years, and it worked out just fine.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

When a guy is passively coming on to me, I ignore his advances. It's not as if my legs are going to suddenly fly open and he'll start riding me like a rented mule unless I start obsessing about the situation. Last I checked, that's going anywhere without my consent, and the only person to which I give consent is my husband.

According to my husband, I have a "Sorry, we're closed" sign hung for anyone but him, and I fail to notice much of the attention that I'm receiving. My husband used to be jealous of the attention, but then he realized that I'm oblivious to it, and couldn't care less about it on the rare times, like at the beach, that I notice it. Perhaps "Chris" thinks that you're paying an inordinate amount of attention to _him_. Maybe he's a little uncomfortable, and rather than running to your husband and saying "She's looking at me!!!", he's just keeping it to himself. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a person's paranoia interpreted as interest by another. 

If a guy isn't being aggressive, then obsessing about it is just drama for drama's sake. There's far more important things to ponder than sophomoric drama.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

A few things I wanted to get straight, as my first post was typed while I was worked up over just speaking to my husband about Chris, so I guess some things came over wrong. 
I was not obsessing over Chris, as the last time I saw him and spoken to him was last year when he came for my son's graduation. He was not on my mind as I have a business to run and a family to take care of. However it was until recently when he "accidentally" sent me a pic of my son and him (this is my husband's summation of the event) and then two weeks or so later called my husband to invite us to spend the summer with him and his family at his home is when the issue came up. I told my husband I did not want to stay at Chris' home because of what I suspected in the past. And just as he ignored me then when it happened, he has again chosen to ignore me now. He keeps saying that it is in my head. I wanted the opinion of an impartial person as my friend who Chris had made the comment to thinks it was an honest to goodness mistake on Chris' part. And note: Chris is NOT socially awkward in any regards (as one person mentioned) he usually takes over a room. Something my own husband does, they are both very sociable. 

I have however spoken to my mother in law about it and she has confirmed that she had observed Chris' 'growing affections' towards me but never said anything because it is Chris, and he is harmless (according to her) and that he wouldn't do anything to cause any problems. She has however promised to talk to him about it this evening. And she has told her son, that if I do not want to stay at Chris' I should not have to . 

My husband's decision however is that we will stay at Chris but if I feel uncomfortable we will go to a hotel. I guess that is some sort of progress.

It is not an issue of what Chris will do, because I can take him down if it comes to that. I want my husband to recognize that there is something there and be proactive about protecting his family. Because if Chris does get aggressive with his so call feelings, while I know I will reject him, it will cause a lot of people hurt, as he is a trusted friend who is even posted to be guardian to our son if both my husband and I die. I think if my husband would nip it in the bud we could avoid a potential heartbreak.

Thanks for the opinions.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If the guy makes you uncomfortable your husband needs to respect it. He can continue to be friends with the guy but out of respect for you he should not be accepting to situations where you are having to spend time with Chris. Staying at a hotel instead of this guys summer house doesn't accomplish much in my book, you still will be socializing probably daily. 

To me it seems very easy for your husband to minimize your time around this guy. Your husbands lack of consideration for your feelings is inexcusable. 

Also it really isn't your MIL's place to say something to Chris, her getting involved is likely going to create some hard feelings between you and your husband. I understand you are frustrated but I think you should tell your MIL to stay out of it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Cooper said:


> If the guy makes you uncomfortable your husband needs to respect it. He can continue to be friends with the guy but out of respect for you he should not be accepting to situations where you are having to spend time with Chris. Staying at a hotel instead of this guys summer house doesn't accomplish much in my book, you still will be socializing probably daily.
> 
> To me it seems very easy for your husband to minimize your time around this guy. Your husbands lack of consideration for your feelings is inexcusable.
> 
> *Also it really isn't your MIL's place to say something to Chris, her getting involved is likely going to create some hard feelings between you and your husband. I understand you are frustrated but I think you should tell your MIL to stay out of it.*




The good thing about this is she has someone who has noticed the growing affections, proof to her husband that it's not just in her head. If the MIL goes to Chris herself, it should create tensions between her and her son, not husband and wife. Unless OP insisted MIL talk to Chris. I see this as a good thing, maybe her husband will take notice of things now that there is more than just his wife seeing what's happening.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

manwithnoname said:


> [/B]
> 
> The good thing about this is she has someone who has noticed the growing affections, proof to her husband that it's not just in her head. If the MIL goes to Chris herself, it should create tensions between her and her son, not husband and wife. Unless OP insisted MIL talk to Chris. I see this as a good thing, maybe her husband will take notice of things now that there is more than just his wife seeing what's happening.


I have to disagree with your thinking. I will bet you a dollar the husband gets pissed at the OP for talking to his mother about it and even more pissed if his mother gets involved in any way. My thinking is he is going to focus his anger on his wife because he will see her as the source of the drama.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Cooper said:


> I have to disagree with your thinking. I will bet you a dollar the husband gets pissed at the OP for talking to his mother about it and even more pissed if his mother gets involved in any way. My thinking is he is going to focus his anger on his wife because he will see her as the source of the drama.


You said "If the guy makes you uncomfortable your husband needs to respect it." The husband is not respecting it, and she is getting frustrated by it. If she brings someone in who sees it too, and he still wants to believe that it is not happening and get pissed at his wife, that's on him. What more can she do? Even if he's pissed, I'm sure he'll be observing more closely. He's a fool.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> How can she hint anymore than actually coming out and telling him? *The husband has to see for himself, since he thinks it is all in her head. I'm sure Chris is testing the waters with her, while being careful when the husband is around*.


This is undoubtedly true.
....................................................................................
Or....they both are colluding:

For a threesome.
For couples swapping.

I personally doubt the above.
...................................................................................
More likely, Chris's friendship is very important to DH and he does his best to downplay your concerns. He is avoiding taking action.
Chis has been briefed on your concerns. He may be trying to win you over. He is failing miserably, and does not know how you "take" him because your DH shields your "other" doubts and feelings from him. With respect to you and your feelings, they are murky, silly and unfounded as related to Chris by DH.

Oh, your husband does not agree with your feelings and doubts about Chris.

Your son's outburst to Chris: Chiris may have been sticking his tongue out at you, or giving you a disrespectful look, or goofy look. Children read adults faces a lot better than you think.

*Your husband is conflict-avoidant.*

He cannot face You or Chris in a strong manner.


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