# Poll: On DDay did the WS act like what you would expect?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

What I mean is were they begging you for forgiveness, saying that they want the marriage to work, sorry for cheating, etc. etc. etc.

Or like in my case..were they blaming you the BS and acting like they had all the power whether you stayed married or not. Were you as the BS pleading to keep the marriage together?

Seems to me from alot of the threads I see on here that my case is more normal than the opposite.

I am curious what it was for the majority on here.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Mine showed the first emotion in months and months, crocodile tears while saying "but I thought I wanted a divorce".

Well, you got it beatch.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Mine acted like I expected this last time, because we had been through it before. He didn't deny it, just downplayed it, trickle- truthed, did apologize and act remorseful, but only for what he was admitting, which was very little.

This was all to be expected. 
It took a week or two to get what I know to be the whole truth, but who knows if it is really, but it's the best I will get and we seem to be moving forward together.

If i ever find out he has contacted her, or been contacted BY her, and does not tell me, or, gets himself into a similar situation again, I won't go through the pulling info out of him again. It will just be over.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Looking back on it, no, not at all.

She was in an extreme state of shock at getting caught, she had nothing to try and hide, I'd read it all for myself.

What did happen was this, she threw him under the karma bus of this wrangler and I took my payback to some rather extreme levels, she had no interest in my personal revenge and after seeing the devastation that her actions had caused it really hit home what she had done was out of order.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

No, but I didn't know about the cheater script at the time, which she followed very closely. 

I especially love when she asked, "Why, what do you know?". Lol, like I'm going to tell you. You just lied to me. If I tell you what I know, you will just incorporate it into your lie. Why the F would I tell you what I know? How about you try telling me the truth and we take it from there? Mmkay?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Deer in the headlights look when I called her on it and I told her more then I should have but she trickle truth the rest. I did get a lot of tears but I think that was her pain and not regret or remorse. It was about 6 months before she really understood the depth of what she has done.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mine was mostly silent while I screamed at him, called him names, and kept demanding he answer my questions. At one point he did tell me to slap him in the face because that's what he deserved. And he left like I told him to. I think he was so shocked he'd been caught he didn't know what to say or do. He was a bit foggy for a couple of days but within a week he was begging for me to take him back, calling therapists, emailing me admissions of guilt, contacting his parents to tell them what he did, and basically willing to do pretty much anything I said.

He did try to tell me he never actually had sex with anyone, which I laughed at and didn't believe for a second, as if it mattered whether he did or not. A couple days later he finally admitted that his intent to do so was as bad as actually doing so.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Neither, really. She did not think there was anything wrong with what she had been doing (long-term EA). Didn't think it had a bearing on our marriage at all ("It has nothing to do with you" -- one of her most memorable quotes to come out of the whole mess).


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

highwood said:


> What I mean is were they begging you for forgiveness, saying that they want the marriage to work, sorry for cheating, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> Or like in my case..were they blaming you the BS and acting like they had all the power whether you stayed married or not. Were you as the BS pleading to keep the marriage together?
> 
> ...


Pretty much your second paragraph. I was so much in shock and disbelief. And getting pummelled for having even so much as the audacity to ask WTF was going on. It was a period of complete unreality.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Immediately begged forgiveness and did everything I asked. Apart from telling the truth.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Why ARE they so surprised when they are caught? That's what I would like to know. My FWH is a very intelligent man, and smart, like street smart, plus he had been caught before. And yet, when I saw her phone # on his cell, the one time he forgot to clear it, he had that same blinking at me stare while behind his eyes his mind was spinning gears trying to figure out what to say, what to do, what does she know, etc. That stare that tries to say "What are you talking about?" but can't quite make me, or him, believe
it.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife said she would not give him up,I asked again me or him,she said him.
I asked about our kids,she said it was about her happiness.
I kicked her out after she said that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

calvin said:


> My wife said she would not give him up,I asked again me or him,she said him.
> I asked about our kids,she said it was about her happiness.
> *I kicked her out after she said that.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin, you're one hell of a man! You and CSS have worked hard on your marriage, and I really look up to you. I could never have done what you did, though. Had my wife said that to me, that would have been the absolute end for me. There would have been zero chance of any kind of reconciliation.  I love to hear a good success story! Makes me feel like there's hope for the world.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My rich, skanky WX extricated me out from our abode while I didn't even have the first damn clue that she had already been engaged in shagging BF's from her past for nearly a year prior to my leaving ~ richly meaning that I was unknowingly and unwittingly getting "sloppy seconds" or "terrible thirds" from her, once she finally made it back home from her many "business" road trips to go see them.

And there will never be a "confessional day" despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

All that I will ever get from out of her will simply be the consummate geography lesson regarding Egypt:

Da Nile, Da Nile, Da Nile!*


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

thummper said:


> Calvin, you're one hell of a man! You and CSS have worked hard on your marriage, and I really look up to you. I could never have done what you did, though. Had my wife said that to me, that would have been the absolute end for me. There would have been zero chance of any kind of reconciliation.  I love to hear a good success story! Makes me feel like there's hope for the world.


 People say it was way out of character for their spouse to do what they did.
In my situation it really was crazy out of character for CSS.
When I called to check on her a few days later she was in the middle of a nervous breakdown
about what she did.
She needed help,after I brought her home she hated herself.
Two years and a few month later we are better than good now.
Its kinda hard to read what the WS did on Dday on this thread.
Some of them just don't get it,for some the extent of what they did sinks in
after a few days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I can't say it was or wasn't what I expected because I never expected it at all. My wife confessed on her own and she could barely get the confession out thru her crying. She had already ended it with the posom and had just come out of the fog. She had the day off and figured I'd kick her out so she wanted a whole day to find somewhere to go. I really hate to admit this (and I never have to her), but I kind of felt sorry for her, she was a mess. It actually took a couple of hours for it to sink in. If you Google remorse I'm sure my wife's picture is there.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> I can't say it was or wasn't what I expected because I never expected it at all. My wife confessed on her own and she could barely get the confession out thru her crying. She had already ended it with the posom and had just come out of the fog. She had the day off and figured I'd kick her out so she wanted a whole day to find somewhere to go. I really hate to admit this (and I never have to her), but I kind of felt sorry for her, she was a mess. It actually took a couple of hours for it to sink in. If you Google remorse I'm sure my wife's picture is there.


 She sounds like one of the few that "gets it".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I expected a lot more emotion, a lot more tears, a lot more
begging and a lot more apologizing, considering we had been
together as a couple for 17 years.

Instead, I got a look of shock, a cat that just ate the canary type of smirk
and a couple months of denial and trickle truth lies.

Never expected her to cheat.. and the remorse she had for all the damage
she'd done could've fit inside a shot glass.

And that's a more than fair estimate.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nope. Was like a totally different person. I had known the woman for 25 year and it was like we never met. So cold and matter of fact. No care that she hurt me or endangered our children. Some emotion or remorse would have been nice to see


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Yep. I, the BW, was begging, pleading, trying to convince him to give us one last try. 

THAT is still the part that hurts the most, over a year later.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

To this day over a year later she has never even admitted to an affair or even used the just friends or other lines. I knew who he was, I asked why she was with him and she told me she hated me for never giving her a child and spun her story which led to I lied and deceived her our entire marriage so on and so forth. I will to this day never forget the look in her eyes and she unemotionally said the words. It was like a robot. 

I never got the classic not in love speech and mine never even said she wanted a divorce, she just filed and she did that the day after I handed her all the paperwork for the convictions her “new love” had for domestic abuse, multiple divorces etc. 14 months later and she is still on the hell bent course to be the victim. She never could take responsibility ever during our marriage so why would this be any different.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

18 years later i still receive short emails for my birthday and on some hollidays asking how I'm doing... never replied. 
When I caught her redhanded with my friend she almost had a heart attack, then for over 1 month begging for forgiveness non stop! 
Could'nt R even if I wanted.... those immagines would haunt me for ever, the only way to get her out of my life was leaving.
NOw I am happily married and live in the old continent and she lives in the U.S.A. as a single.....
guess the remorse is eating her badly even after all these years


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jack.c said:


> 18 years later i still receive short emails for my birthday and on some hollidays asking how I'm doing... never replied.
> When I caught her redhanded with my friend she almost had a heart attack, then for over 1 month begging for forgiveness non stop!
> Could'nt R even if I wanted.... those immagines would haunt me for ever, the only way to get her out of my life was leaving.
> NOw I am happily married and live in the old continent and she lives in the U.S.A. as a single.....
> guess the remorse is eating her badly even after all these years


Jack have you done a thread telling us your story? I'd be interested to hear what happened and how you made it through.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

nope...exposure happened via email...nuclear explosion...everyone on our contacts list was notified, facebook...

I expected her to call me sobbing...didnt
I expected her to be home waiting for me sobbing...wasnt

basically got texts and a LOT of indignation...i think ws's are caught doing something so utterly horrible that many can not fully deal with it, they HAVE to justify it, downplay it...being cheated on takes a long time to deal with, and im sure getting caught cheating also takes a long time to deal with

if she had immediately gone home and confronted me sobbing, begging to make it right, i probably would have been a lot nicer while divorcing her...which I would have still done...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

On d-day Nov 2011 my boys and I let her have it hard. Of course she lied. Said there was no sex, etc. Then lied till April 2013. My youngest son wanted to go to the XOM's house and beat him up. I had to stop him.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

My ex was shocked I knew everything. For some reason, she always thought she was so clever. She's a moron folks, trust me. Had more of a "I thought you knew this marriage was over" kind of attitude. I mean WTF? Ahhhh, no I didn't get the memo you were a cheating wh0re. Very almost entitled behavior. No begging to give her another chance (she thought OM would rescue her LOL) but a lot of crocodile tears. Was very much still deep in the fog. She has since begged multiple times for another chance since OM bus tossed her like the trash she is. Let's see what else? Wanted to know who else knew. Generally, just more concerned about what was going to happen to her than my feelings or the family she destroyed. I told her on D-Day flat out I was divorcing her. Unlike her, I'm a man of my word. In hindsight, just thinking about it pisses me off.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

When I confronted my wife on D-Day, her initial reaction was complete shock, followed very quickly by absolute terror followed by deep shame and then eventually followed by genuine remorse. The latter took several weeks and our first couple of marriage counseling sessions.

The shock was because she was convinced I would never find out, that she was too smart to get caught. The terror was realizing I had, and that I was kicking her out of our home and family (2 young children at the time) and would be telling her family exactly why. She realized her life as she knew it was done. She focused here for a couple of days (trickle truth etc) and was focused on trying minimize damage and impact on her life while rewriting some of the marital history etc. I continued to blow things up and push forward.

As she began to emerge from the fog after the first 72 hours, she became deeply ashamed of her behavior. Again, this was still focused on herself to this point, but this was the first sign that she might still be human. Over the next 10 days or so, she began to finally shift focus from herself to others and finally realized what she had done to me, our marriage and our family. She became truly remorseful at this point, and has spent the last two years working hard to build a new relationship with us. At times, she still gets very angry with herself and depressed. She has done the heavy lifting and we are getting there.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> When I confronted my wife on D-Day, her initial reaction was complete shock, followed very quickly by absolute terror followed by deep shame and then eventually followed by genuine remorse. The latter took several weeks and our first couple of marriage counseling sessions.
> 
> The shock was because she was convinced I would never find out, that she was too smart to get caught. The terror was realizing I had, and that I was kicking her out of our home and family (2 young children at the time) and would be telling her family exactly why. She realized her life as she knew it was done. She focused here for a couple of days (trickle truth etc) and was focused on trying minimize damage and impact on her life while rewriting some of the marital history etc. I continued to blow things up and push forward.
> 
> As she began to emerge from the fog after the first 72 hours, she became deeply ashamed of her behavior. Again, this was still focused on herself to this point, but this was the first sign that she might still be human. Over the next 10 days or so, she began to finally shift focus from herself to others and finally realized what she had done to me, our marriage and our family. She became truly remorseful at this point, and has spent the last two years working hard to build a new relationship with us. At times, she still gets very angry with herself and depressed. She has done the heavy lifting and we are getting there.


 That's a woman who earned a second chance,saw the pain she put others through.
Some people should be given a chance,you don't throw someone away who can be salvaged and
prove they learned from their fvck up.
I'm glad I went the R route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

On dday my ww begged for second chance. She cried, was ashamed, said she felt remorse, etc. Turned over to me all her password to everything. We went MC. Thought R was in our future. 5 weeks after dday I came across an email account she never told me about. Had info about her AP, and also contained emails indicating an EA/PA with another man. We've been separated 6 months now and are getting a D.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

jack.c said:


> 18 years later i still receive short emails for my birthday and on some hollidays asking how I'm doing... never replied.
> When I caught her redhanded with my friend she almost had a heart attack, then for over 1 month begging for forgiveness non stop!
> Could'nt R even if I wanted.... those immagines would haunt me for ever, the only way to get her out of my life was leaving.
> NOw I am happily married and live in the old continent and she lives in the U.S.A. as a single.....
> guess the remorse is eating her badly even after all these years


Did you ever tell your story?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Yep. I, the BW, was begging, pleading, trying to convince him to give us one last try.
> 
> THAT is still the part that hurts the most, over a year later.


I did begging and pleading.

However, it worked as when she saw how upset I was she realised how badly I'd been hurt.

This was the day she told me her affair was over.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Total denial on the wh's part. Plus shock that he had been caught, followed by trickle trothing when presented with the evidence. On my part, no begging and no pleading. Just raw anger, some bewilderment and a bit of relief that I hadn't been crazy.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Jack have you done a thread telling us your story? I'd be interested to hear what happened and how you made it through.


nope, not yet. but i will soon..... even if my story, and how i managed all, might sound like a troll.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Acted innocent. Even missing out the man's name when I asked her about how she was getting on with all the people at her new job.

I only needed this to 'get it', because before then, she always mentioned him in her conversations about work. 

I cherish the surprise on her face when I correctly guessed the whole scenario with no evidence whatsoever. I loved the way she was shocked and hurt when I told her I didn't want anything at all to do with her in future. What did she think would happen? 

That I'd give my blessing to a try-before-you-buy affair?

If she'd have been completely honest, and forthcoming, I could have wished her well, and parted on good terms...

But pretending that things were normal to buy time to explore her options... she can die of Ebola for all I care.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Philat said:


> Neither, really. She did not think there was anything wrong with what she had been doing (long-term EA). Didn't think it had a bearing on our marriage at all *("It has nothing to do with you" -- one of her most memorable quotes to come out of the whole mess)*.


That construction seems to be a common form of defense / response. A couple of women once told me that their friendship with my husband had nothing to do with me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I got hit both ways.

On the positive side: He dropped her completely. He told me that he would send her any message that I wrote for him. He offered to make an NC phone call or e-mail to her. He defriended her and their mutual friend from FB.

On the negative side: He still spouted what I felt were untruths. He said he never wanted to introduce me to his "friend" because I said that I wanted nothing to do with her. Guess what, she sent him a text at one point saying that about me. In addition, when he said that I said it, it was during a time that I had no knowledge about her.

Also, he tried to demonise some of my behavior. Fortunately, by then I had a knowledge about the substance of their relationship and could point out how her behavior was no more laudable.

I think when you want to go forward with someone, you do need to be reassured that they have a positive opinion about you.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> That construction seems to be a common form of defense / response. A couple of women once told me that their friendship with my husband had nothing to do with me.



Yeah, the first few days I got the, "it had nothing to do with you" crapola. 

Hmm, well then. Nothing to worry about, let's move along. /facepalm


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

I got 'You are crazy', 'It has nothing to do with you', 'You are invading my privacy'. Ah... Those good old days.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The "shock" was all mine. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been for so long, not to even suspect the cheating. Of course, she took special enjoyment in pointing out how naive I had been. The deal was sealed by her getting a protection order from the judge I suspect she had been banging by making untrue accusations of spousal abuse. Took three days to get out on that one.
Now? I wouldn't send dead dandelions if I found out she had been run over by a truck.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

DD...the most confusing holiday of the year.

My FWW was caught, no doubt, here comes the tears, remorse, shame, fear, guilt... total meltdown. Now the most confusing scene of my life...

Immediately wants to R, wants nothing to do with OM, wants only me, pleads her love, begs for 1 chance... All this in light that not 2 hours prior she was emailing the OM, planning their next sex date, planning out her new life without me. 

Mix in TT, downplaying, minimizing, blameshifting... cheater script a la regular, and you have "The Banner Day of your Life."


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Though extremely remorseful, apologetic, and accepting of her responsibility, I also got the "it had nothing to do with you" thing.

WHAT IS THIS? Are cheaters all alike? Its uncanny.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Forest said:


> Though extremely remorseful, apologetic, and accepting of her responsibility, I also got the "it had nothing to do with you" thing.
> 
> WHAT IS THIS? Are cheaters all alike? Its uncanny.


Same school, same subjects.... hence same responses


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

RWB said:


> Immediately wants to R, wants nothing to do with OM, wants only me, pleads her love, begs for 1 chance... All this in light that not 2 hours prior she was emailing the OM, planning their next sex date, planning out her new life without me.


There's a particular brand of cheater who are perfectly aware of the fakeness, roleplaying nature of affairs.
I'm not sure what's worse, the kind of believing their own bull or this kind, perfectly honest with themselves.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hard to say actually; it was dark in the bedroom and she had already gone to sleep. There wasn't much conversation. 

After I got through reading enough of the POSOM's deleted e-mails in my home office, about 600 out of the 3500, I had indisputable evidence. No way she could trickle truth or deny it.

The first thing I did was to tell our grown son who was home from college at the time. I just gave him the basics and asked him to stay with his mother at his grandmother's house that night to make sure she's OK. I told him that I was going in the bed room to tell her and she would be leaving with him shortly after that. He hugged me and told me OK.

I came to bed and laid down beside her.

Me: Wake up, I need to say something to you. I just recovered POSOM's e-mails to you. I want you to pack up some clothes and leave right now. "Our son" is waiting for you and has agreed to stay the night with you at your mother's (half mile down the road).

Her:You want me to leave now?

Me: You're damn right I do.

She packed some clothes, then came back in the bedroom and tried to touch my arm.

Me: You must really despise me. Just leave.

Nothing else said. Then she left. I didn't talk to her again for 3 days.

Was that what I expected? Yeah, knowing my wife as I do, pretty much.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Acabado said:


> There's a particular brand of cheater who are perfectly aware of the fakeness, roleplaying nature of affairs.
> I'm not sure what's worse, the kind of believing their own bull or this kind, perfectly honest with themselves.


*Your apt description, Acabado, is largely who my skanky XW has become.

A superego, a twitching groin, and a plethora of money can do that for you!*


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

They really do believe it has nothing to do with us, for they have built this little insulated world for themselves that they go to, whether IRL or virtually and pretend, or believe that no one knows what they have. They never wanted to hurt us, they didn't think it was really wrong, they were never going to leave us, they were just there to support each other. It wasn't about us, it was all about them. They are so addicted to it that, as in my FWHs case, they continued communicating even after her husband found a sexting session and threatened to "F*&#-ing kill him"
Of course, she was 1000 miles away, but really? even THAT is not enough to stop you? What if her husband had taken it out on her? amazing.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Neither. Complete shocked silence.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

They don't act like you'd expect at all,you never expected them to do something so horrible.
I honestly believe some of the WS here did'nt expect to act they way they did,they
just flat out did'nt think about the fallout and how far it would spread or seen the
damage they were about to unlease.
Some never cared.
I believe they never thought there would be a DDay at all,that's what got them.
They thought they never would get caught but they got lax big time after they were
Confident.
Shame.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

calvin said:


> They don't act like you'd expect at all,you never expected them to do something so horrible.
> I honestly believe some of the WS here did'nt expect to act they way they did,they
> just flat out did'nt think about the fallout and how far it would spread or seen the
> damage they were about to unlease.
> ...


I agree...I think that was definently H's case. Especially in between DD#1 and #2...he thought he could continue on for six months because it was boosting his ego. Too bad for him I was smarter then he gave me credit for and busted him. Then I learned two months after DD#2 that for a couple of years prior he had put ads on some adult sites...stuff I was never supposed to see...how embarrasing for him to have your wife looking at your advert on some sex search site and reading what you wrote to "sell" your self:lol:

THere is a certain level of arrogance amongst WS...and in my opinion arrogant behaviour always comes back to bite you right in the ass.

Two years later and I am 100% sure he is still highly embarrassed about what he did and the fact that alot of people know about it...sucks to be him.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Two years later and I am 100% sure he is still highly embarrassed about what he did and the fact that alot of people know about it...sucks to be him.>>

Sometimes I do feel kind of bad for him that, no matter how hard he tries, no matter if he never again ever does anything even slightly dishonest, no matter if he tells me every day that he loves me and will never hurt me again, that little tiny half-life of doubt will forever be in the recesses of my mind. Do I feel or think like he will do this again, no. Do I believe he is serious now, yes. Would I bet my life on it...no. I don't feel TOO bad for him, but yes, it must suck to know you did this thing that can never be undone.


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