# I'm feeling like the other woman now



## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

After being married for 14yrs, I found out that my husband had several affairs for the past years. Even after I found out I forgave him only for him to come back and tell me that he found another woman and he was done with our marriage. He left the house and moved in with this woman. He said that he wants to start fresh with her and not cheat or lie to her. It hurst to hear him say this when he did nothing but the opposite with me.
I saw him the other day and he wanted to be intimate and said that he would only do this with me bc I'm still his wife. I was so confused that he even asked that. Now I feel like I'm the other woman because he is already lying to his girlfriend. I don't know why i even want him in my life after all the hurtful things he has done to me.
I have been nice to him through all this and put my pain to the side in hopes that he will realize that he wants to work things out. I just can't do this to myself any longer but I dont' know how to let him go for good. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

You just have to decide that you are worth more. He has shown his cards. He is a liar and a cheater and that is never going to change. He just proved that to you. Keep reading posts on here and you will get the courage to do what you have to for you.
Life is too short to remain in this kind of pain.

Good luck.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Your husbands sounds like a serial cheater and a liar. The reason he is been doing that is because he never had to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Have you separated before? Have you given him an ultimatum? I understand it is difficult to extricate yourself from all the history/love you had with this man. Look at me! I am six months out and still in very much pain.

I was a doormat for my stbxh, I did not stand up for myself, the few times I did stand up to him he turn it all around and I ended up feeling guilty, like I was the worst person on the planet. 
There are people out in this world who care little about others and only focus all their energy on themselves. 
Start by doing small steps, do not sleep with him. Do not talk, text, email nothing! 
You deserve some much better. Believe that you do.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Sorry you're here.

My advise is to let him go... He is never going to change.

Some men are just going to cheat no matter what. Sounds like he is one of them

Even if he came to his senses and came back to you... What have you got? A serial cheater and more heartache!

Let someone else deal with him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Courageous said:


> After being married for 14yrs, I found out that my husband had several affairs for the past years. Even after I found out I forgave him only for him to come back and tell me that he found another woman and he was done with our marriage. He left the house and moved in with this woman. He said that he wants to start fresh with her and not cheat or lie to her. It hurst to hear him say this when he did nothing but the opposite with me.
> I saw him the other day and he wanted to be intimate and said that he would only do this with me bc I'm still his wife. I was so confused that he even asked that. Now I feel like I'm the other woman because he is already lying to his girlfriend. I don't know why i even want him in my life after all the hurtful things he has done to me.
> I have been nice to him through all this and put my pain to the side in hopes that he will realize that he wants to work things out. I just can't do this to myself any longer but I dont' know how to let him go for good. Any advice would be appreciated.


Are you in therapy?


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

No, I'm not in therapy. Should I?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Courageous said:


> No, I'm not in therapy. Should I?


I would recommend it.

He pushed your boundaries with his behavior during the marriage and - obviously - still wants to cake eat.

It would be wise to get to the bottom of why you put up with it.


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

You are right. I even question myself why do I put up with all the things he has done to me. Every time I suspected he was cheating on me and confronted him I ended up asking for forgiveness and changing to accomodate to all his needs. Now, I know that in fact he was cheating each time i thought he was. He always turned everything around to somehow make it to be my fault.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Courageous said:


> You are right. I even question myself why do I put up with all the things he has done to me. Every time I suspected he was cheating on me and confronted him I ended up asking for forgiveness and changing to accomodate to all his needs. Now, I know that in fact he was cheating each time i thought he was. He always turned everything around to somehow make it to be my fault.


One of the most common symptoms of codependence is to apologize for what the other person did.

It's almost like a dance.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Stop accepting crap treatment. Say no to him, every time, all the time. You are allowing yourself to become the other woman because you say yes to him.

You deserve better, and if you don't see that, then you really should spend some time with a qualified therapist.


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

Yes I know that I deserve better. In fact I know that nobody deserves to be treated this way. Even all the things he did to me while we were together bringing other woman to the house was horrible. That's a lot of manipulation that I need to overcome.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

He brought another woman in your home while you were there?
Why?


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

I wasn't actually there but we were still together. I found out about this other woman (not the one he is with now) being in my house after he left because.


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

I know that this pain will eventually go away, but sometimes I wonder why do some of us have to go through so much heartache? And then I see those that don't really care much about their marriage and always end up winning.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. Please say no to him. Every time you give in to him you loose more self respect for yourself. This is one of the reasons for feeling so down on yourself. Once you start standing up for yourself you will start to gain strength, confidence and self esteam. You just need to start one at a time.

I am sorry to say this, but your husband does not respect you. Every time you allow him to use you, you confirm that you are a door mat to him. He will continue to use you over and over as long as you allow it. This vicious circle can only be stopped by you. You will never be loved by him the way you want, he is incapable of this.

Once you say no, he will probably start to be more persistent, you will become a challenge, that is all. Know this and stand your ground. There are few things in this life that make you feel more empty and worthless than having sex with someone that you know is using you.


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

Wow...JustHer 
Your comment really hit. You are absolutely right. I'm the only one who can stop this by not giving in to him.
Thank you!


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

It has been about 3 months since we have separated and about 3days since I cut off contact with him. Only 3 days and I want to talk to him so bad. I'm hurting so much. I don't want to give in because I will just be prolonging the healing process.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hugs!!

What would you say to him if you talked?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Stay strong, you can do this.............


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## Courageous (Oct 30, 2013)

Thank you! I'm determined to do this no matter what. And yes, he is one of them!!


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