# Advice for woman who cheated



## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

I am new to this forum. I'm reaching out to those of you who have potentially been through a similar situation as mine, from either side, with hopes that you may have advise on how best to handle my current situation.

I cheated on my husband 2 years ago during a work trip. It was the dumbest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I have torn apart a relationship that was the best thing that ever happened to me and hurt the most special person in the world to me worse than I'm sure I can ever possibly imagine. I regret my decisions that evening more than I could ever possibly describe, and also regret how long it took me to come out with all the details my husband asked for (he wanted everything, which I understand). It took me almost a year to finally admit that I had just as much to do with the infidelity as the other party. 

I have been attempting to reconcile with my husband since the day I made the decision to be unfaithful. At first, he wanted to reconcile as well. As time went on, he became less and less interested. Felt I could never possibly be the woman he wanted to be with as I completely shattered his idea of who I was. 

At this point we are together and plan to stay together forever. From his perspective, we are together for our children (3 and 6) and have a business relationship at best. He is extremely cold to me. We still have sex often, which is the only way I feel remotely close to him now. I love him very much and want to reconcile. 

I have grown so much as a woman. I was extremely needy and very self conscious, a little girl. I looked to H to provide all decisions, direction and confidence in myself. When we first started to reconcile, this was one of the obvious areas that needed to change in me. It has - I am extremely strong within myself. I have moved on and know that I'm a good person. My husband reminds me this is not the case from his perspective. 

I want to reconcile because I love him and I know we would be an amazing team together if he was willing to forgive, or at least accept, me as a person.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Any advice on how to best proceed?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Welcome to TAM.You and your husband are in for an unrewarding marriage if you both can't reconcile.You both need to be willing in order for it to have any chance of success.

You might want to check out an active thread on the Coping With Infidelity forum as you'll find some good insights there.You might have to wear a flak jacket but don't let comments scare you off as posters will sincerely try to help you if you let them.Good luck.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

How did your husband find out? Did you tell him about the affair or did he catch you out? My best friends wife of 15 years had an affair with her boss. The affair ended badly and she went back to my friend and her son. She was very remorseful and wanted to reconcile. My friend kept her sweet for about 12 months until he got his assets protected and worked out a plan with his family and solicitor then went straight for a divorce. I wouldnt put too much faith in the sex being a good sign. My friend hated his wife for what she did to him but it still didn't stop him having sex with his wife on a regular basis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I suppose it depends on how you reconciled

did you rug sweep or address it head on?

read the newbie link in my signature (posts 1 and 3) to see what I'm talking about


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Until he is willing to forgive you it will be a very one sided relationship. Not fair to either of you.
If he cannot move on and forgive you then I would. Having to please him constantly is not a relationship. It needs to be a partnership. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

icheated said:


> He is extremely cold to me. We still have sex often...?


Not to derail, but I've never understood concepts like this. "No, I don't love my wife. Sure, we still have sex five times a week, but I don't LOVE her." to me, it sounds like he still loves you, but wants to exert control over the relationship. If he's not emotionally connected to you, then who IS he connected to?

Has he ever told you why he decided against reconciliation and yet still live with you? Does he expect that he'll be able to live a sexually satisfying life with a woman he doesn't love?

Who else knows about this situation? Does any of his family know? Does any or yours? I'm sorry I don't have more direct advice to give you, but maybe it's time to bring in an outside voice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

Nigel said:


> How did your husband find out? Did you tell him about the affair or did he catch you out? My best friends wife of 15 years had an affair with her boss. The affair ended badly and she went back to my friend and her son. She was very remorseful and wanted to reconcile. My friend kept her sweet for about 12 months until he got his assets protected and worked out a plan with his family and solicitor then went straight for a divorce. I wouldnt put too much faith in the sex being a good sign. My friend hated his wife for what she did to him but it still didn't stop him having sex with his wife on a regular basis.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I told him the morning after that I had been unfaithful. I called him and it was a complete shock. I shocked myself as well that I actually did this. It took me about 2 weeks to come clean with the majority of the details he wanted to know. Then it took about a year of pretty ugly battling after that for me to get to the point where I really took responsibility for my actions and the part I really played in making the evening occur. It was not a pre planned action, but durning the evening I flirted and didn't stop what was being offered. It still makes me sick to think about it. We didn't have sex, but did make out with some touching. 

Our families both know plus a few close friends. I am very close with his family and they have been extremely supportive. They love me very much, and I feel extremely fortunate to have them in my life. I love them like my own family because they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Not to derail, but I've never understood concepts like this. "No, I don't love my wife. Sure, we still have sex five times a week, but I don't LOVE her." to me, it sounds like he still loves you, but wants to exert control over the relationship. If he's not emotionally connected to you, then who IS he connected to?
> 
> He is connected to his parents and our children.
> 
> ...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I agree with Dr. Rockstar. I think more than anything he's holding on to it to keep control. You didn't have sex?? You made out with some touching. Yeah that's a helluva big deal but it isn't sex. An argument could be made that its not even infidelity, I don't agree with that argument but I can still make it. You didn't have sex, intercourse or oral, you didn't have an emotional bond with this guy. 

Honestly I think your H needs to get over it. 

In addition to Dr. Rockstar's theory there is another possibility. That being that he really wants the marriage to be over but is either unwilling or unable to be the one to leave and he really wants you to do it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

There are many reasons why he doesn't leave---kids, financial, his comfort zone with you, his ability to control you

What you need to do---is be careful, and protect yourself, financially, and emotionally, especially at the point when your kids are grown enuff to leave the home---then it will be just the 2 of you---and unless you like living like roommates, and akin to just having sex, as a prostitute would (not saying you are a prostitute--don't take this the wrong way)---you might want to think about leaving this mge., and finding someone, who will give you their love---and want you for you

You cheated---but you owned it---and at best it was some kissing, and fondling---and tho your H, has the right to make a big deal out of it--- you have the right to have a good, and loving partner, at this point you don't have that----you need to decide, how you wanna live the rest of your life.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I agree with Dr. Rockstar. I think more than anything he's holding on to it to keep control. You didn't have sex?? You made out with some touching. Yeah that's a helluva big deal but it isn't sex. An argument could be made that its not even infidelity, I don't agree with that argument but I can still make it. You didn't have sex, intercourse or oral, you didn't have an emotional bond with this guy.
> 
> Honestly* I think your H needs to get over it*.
> 
> In addition to Dr. Rockstar's theory there is another possibility. That being that *he really wants the marriage to be over but is either unwilling or unable to be the one to leave and he really wants you to do it*.


:iagree:

This is exactly what I'm thinking is going on. And since he can't man up and end it or get over it, he's going to punish you for the rest of your life with him if you don't leave.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

Part of why I believe it's taking him a long time to "get over it" or at least accept it is that his father cheated on his mother with another woman. Had an affair that lasted 2 1/2 yrs before his father brought it forward. His mother and father did reconcile, are happily married, and are very close to us. I didn't know about any of this until after I was unfaithful. I know my H never did forgive his father, but because "they're blood" he has found ways to accept what happened. He felt obligated to do so, but I don't believe ever really worked through the original issue with his father.

Whenever I bring this up he says it's irrelevant and a completely different situation. It's unrelated and I should stop trying to tie the two events together. For me it's hard not to believe there's some correlation.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

I would love to help him "get over it" and reconcile. Obviously I don't have any control over what he does, but I do believe that people can influence each other in both positive and negative ways. Any tips on how to positively influence him to want to reconcile?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think I would ask him how long he plans to punish me for my mistake.

How was your marriage before you 'cheated'? What was going on?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

OK, it took you a YEAR to come clean. That would do a number on a guy. That being said, what's done is done. He's had a year to get over your cheating and the lying about the cheating. If he's not willing to work on the marriage, if he has said outright, "This is business, not interested in your company." Then you have to make the decision whether or not you are OK with that.

If you want that kind of relationship, stay. If that isn't OK with you, then let him know, and start filing for separation/divorce.

You are not under obligation to stay because you made a mistake. You also should not be under any delusions that he will change over time. Expect him to stay the same. Can you live like this for the next 10,20,30,40 years? Do you want to spend the next decade in a loveless marriage until the kids go off and you can divorce?

Also, think about what you are modelling to your children. That marriages should be loveless contracts where two people hang out miserably just for their children. Understand your actions are 1000 times more powerful than your words. Is that the message you want to send to them about how their future marriage will be?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Your husband didn't buy into your story and still thinks you're lying even if you aren't. To him, you did have sex and you're still lying to him. Even if you're telling the truth he'll never believe that you didn't have sex.

So to get even he's withdrawn emotionally from you as a way to protect himself just in case you do it again.

Either he accepts it happened and moves on or you move on. Unless you can live the rest of your life like you described:

we are together for our children (3 and 6) and have a business relationship


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

We have been married for 11 years. Never had a fight, very happy together for the most part. A lot of the problem is that I never spoke up about anything or stuck up for myself - never felt I needed to. He took very good care of me and vice versa. When we had children my dream was always to stay home with the children. Financially it's unrealistic for us, plus his parents are willing and able to watch the children. After our first was born I went back to work full time, very stressful and long hours. When I became pregnant with our second it was unexpected, though we were both really excited about it. I took 6 months off, then returned to work part time. When I returned part time, my mom went into the hospital for surgery on what they thought at the time was potentially colin cancer (thank God turned out to be benign). Shortly there after my father had a 2nd heart attack. He was in the ER at the same time I was for heart palpitations. I was clearly stressed out, but internalizing everything. I returned to work full time about a month after the ER visit. I was on heart monitors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My H knew all along that it was a mental thing and though he supported me by finding doctors, etc, we never did talk much about it. He doesn't like drama and I didn't want to introduce any to his already dramatic work life. I felt (and still do feel) that home should be a happy place to relax and be yourself. However I now know that talking about things is key to happiness, not internalizing and pretending everything is ok. My heart issues turned out to finally be diagnosed by a specialist as a thyroid imbalance. It was just after this that I lost it completely and was unfaithful.

Please note that I'm not trying to make any excuses for the actions I took. I'm purely providing some background because it was asked for.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I have read that it can take 2-5 years to recover love from an infidelity. 

Do you give your husband complete transparency? Access to all of your online accounts, passwords, phone log?

Have you answered all of his questions, no matter how often he repeats them?

He may not be able to overcome his resentment. You have to show him that you want to start a new marriage by doing pleasurable things together, talking often about emotions, loving him in a way that he can appreciate.

Some people just cannot get over this. I would try everything that I could to show him remorse, and then eventually accept that he is incapable of handling this blow. As you know, it is the worst thing that you could have done to him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It sounds like neither you or your husband really communicate with each other. Not liking drama is one thing, but being able to talk to your spouse about the stresses in your life is a priceless gift you should give to one another. If you can't tell your spouse, then who?

I'm sure your husband is having a difficult time connecting the dots with your actions. To him, your marriage was fine, not perfect, but very good before you did what you did. He can't understand how you would choose to behave the way you did and hurt him like that. To be honest, it's difficult for me to understand your actions as well with the info you've given so far. You seemed to have a very compatible relationship prior (with the exception of your bottling your feelings up).

I'm not excusing his punishing you. I just wanted to get a better understanding of what may be his reasoning behind it all.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

"Do you give your husband complete transparency? Access to all of your online accounts, passwords, phone log?

Have you answered all of his questions, no matter how often he repeats them?"

Yes. He has everything he's ever asked for. I know that one of the keys to R is complete transparency. It's been a while since he's asked questions - a few months. He says that he still has doubts, but doesn't want to spend the time or energy on it. He would rather spend it on our children or his job or his parents.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He says that he still has doubts, but doesn't want to spend the time or energy on it. He would rather spend it on our children or his job or his parents.


His rugsweeping is keeping him distant from you. Either he wants a true marriage with you or he doesn't. If all he wants is a business relationship, then you have a decision to make for him. 

You know, sometimes doing/saying nothing is doing/saying plenty. It's the passive-aggressive way to deal with a problem.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> It sounds like neither you or your husband really communicate with each other. Not liking drama is one thing, but being able to talk to your spouse about the stresses in your life is a priceless gift you should give to one another. If you can't tell your spouse, then who?
> 
> I'm sure your husband is having a difficult time connecting the dots with your actions. To him, your marriage was fine, not perfect, but very good before you did what you did. He can't understand how you would choose to behave the way you did and hurt him like that. To be honest, it's difficult for me to understand your actions as well with the info you've given so far. You seemed to have a very compatible relationship prior (with the exception of your bottling your feelings up).
> 
> I'm not excusing his punishing you. I just wanted to get a better understanding of what may be his reasoning behind it all.


I think this is great insight. I agree that it's important to be able to talk about stresses in your life with your spouse - to talk about anything with your spouse. For me at this point, it's not a reality. 

Why I did it - I don't believe there is ever a good reason for this. However, I didn't feel like I was important to H. I felt like an afterthought. We never spent any time together. He felt like he was giving me 100% because he was working really hard to allow me to stay home with the children for the period of time I did (I know - great way to repay him, I'm a total ***** for what I did). 

This other person came along and made me feel like a woman - beautiful, desired. I was also able to be in control of that situation. Looking back, the other guy was a total snake and I he made me feel like I had all the power over him. Sick in many ways. I only ever saw him 4-5 times total. The 4th was the night I was unfaithful. 5th my H knew about - was at work before I changed jobs and I confronted him to request an apology. It felt so good to tell him off. The first few times were business only, though he was always charming. I never gave cheating a thought until the actual night I was unfaithful.

I did a lot of thinking back in my life as well. Growing up, my mom was always catering to my dad - still does. Everything in my life growing up was about how to make dad happy. Dad never really did accept me for me. I was always striving to achieve acceptance from him, so I'm sure that plays into this as well.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

icheated said:


> I told him the morning after that I had been unfaithful. I called him and it was a complete shock. I shocked myself as well that I actually did this. It took me about 2 weeks to come clean with the majority of the details he wanted to know. Then it took about a year of pretty ugly battling after that for me to get to the point where I really took responsibility for my actions and the part I really played in making the evening occur. It was not a pre planned action, but durning the evening I flirted and didn't stop what was being offered. It still makes me sick to think about it. We didn't have sex, but did make out with some touching.
> 
> Our families both know plus a few close friends. I am very close with his family and they have been extremely supportive. They love me very much, and I feel extremely fortunate to have them in my life. I love them like my own family because they are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I think you sound genuinely remorseful. At least you didn't lie about what you did and told your h straight away. I hope he sees that it was a lot of nonsense and forgives you, he should at least give you some credit for your honesty in admitting it in the first place. Hope it all works out for you both
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I didn't feel like I was important to H. I felt like an afterthought. We never spent any time together. He felt like he was giving me 100% because he was working really hard to allow me to stay home with the children for the period of time I did


Have you ever told him this? Help him try to understand you and your actions? Although, he sounds like a person that would hear you blaming him for what you did, rather than listen to you and understand how you were feeling at the time. No it doesn't justify an act of infidelity, but he gets postive feelings and reinforcement and fulfillment from his work. 

If you depended on that from him and he had none to give at the end of the day, after time it wears you down. It's not all about paying the bills. In my experience some guys really don't understand that just going to work everyday and being the provider does nothing for a woman emotionally. Security cannot compensate for a lack of emotional connection and/or attention. 

All spouses want to feel valued by their partner. It's a healthy need to have between you, and when you exercise that value your relationship flourishes.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I think the idea of the question about 'how long he intends to behave like this' has merit.

Provided, of course, that you have been a well behaved inmate in the infidelity department ever since said making-out-with-someone-else event.

For arguments sake.. lets assume that there will be 'some point' where, basically cohabitating in this stunted manner will become not worth it. When is that point? Are you ready to seperate or bail out completely to bring the situation to a head? Is 2 years enough time for acceptance or forgiveness or at least moving past it? is 5? 10? Are you waiting for the kids to leave the nest before packing up and going your seperate ways?

I am sort of getting the feeling that continuing to play the part of the guilty party (though of course you are, and have clearly said so - to your merit), dutifully continuing to accept your ongoing penance, and submitting yourself for hollow physical release from your hubby is not going to lead anywhere particularly desirable for either of you.

Problem is - you cant force or entice him to move past this. All you can really do is determine when you feel you have done your best and contributed all you can. How do you think 10 more years of 'the same' is going to feel for both of you?


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Have you ever told him this? Help him try to understand you and your actions? Although, he sounds like a person that would hear you blaming him for what you did, rather than listen to you and understand how you were feeling at the time.


Yes, I have told him this. You are correct in your assumption about how he took the message - he thought I was trying to blame him and not take the responsibility. He tells me that this isn't how he felt, which I believe. However, it was how I felt as well - a major mismatch resulting from not effectively communicating. I would tell him "I miss you", but not try to understand specifically what that really meant. I just missed being with him, spending time with him - he dismissed it, saying that when we had children we sacrificed spending much time together, that our time together would come later. I never have agreed with this perspective. 

Perhaps it's worth recapping my understanding of my reasons for betraying him again, show him that I really do have an understanding of why I did what I did and reinforce that it's nothing I ever want any part of again.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Perhaps it's worth recapping my understanding of my reasons for betraying him again, show him that I really do have an understanding of why I did what I did and reinforce that it's nothing I ever want any part of again.


Maybe it will help, maybe it won't make any difference.

He does need to come forth with some sort of honesty about how long he plans to carry on this way. Either you're reconciling or you aren't... 100%.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

Nigel said:


> Well I think you sound genuinely remorseful. At least you didn't lie about what you did and told your h straight away. I hope he sees that it was a lot of nonsense and forgives you, he should at least give you some credit for your honesty in admitting it in the first place. Hope it all works out for you both
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I am genuinely remorseful. What I did has completely changed my outlook on my own life, has forced me to grow up and face reality. Has forced me to make my own decisions and stand up for what I believe is right. It's affected every area of my life. What I did to my H is something that has changed him as well, not in a positive way. I regret so much the decisions I made and the relationship that I stole away from him. As terrible as I feel, I know it shadows in comparison to what he feels as he had no choice in the matter in his life being ripped out from under him. He has a huge heart and is a wonderful father. If I am ever aloud back into his heart I would protect it with my life.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Maybe it will help, maybe it won't make any difference.
> 
> He does need to come forth with some sort of honesty about how long he plans to carry on this way. Either you're reconciling or you aren't... 100%.


The other day he did confront me about the dynamic in our house. It was in regards to the way our children have been acting out. Perhaps normal for their age, but I also believe the air is too negative for a healthy upbringing at this point. I'm sure H does as well. He told me he was tired of the environment and asked what I thought needed to happen for it to be better for the children. I told him we needed to figure out a way to make it more positive, when pressed I said specifically he needs to be more positive towards me. He said the idea makes him feel sick, he has no desire to share anything with me. Why would he want to share anything with a person that's been the single biggest *** to him. We had a bit of back and forth, then he said the conversation was a waste of time and left. When I asked what he suggested, he said he didn't have any idea.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

icheated said:


> The other day he did confront me about the dynamic in our house. It was in regards to the way our children have been acting out. Perhaps normal for their age, but I also believe the air is too negative for a healthy upbringing at this point. I'm sure H does as well. He told me he was tired of the environment and asked what I thought needed to happen for it to be better for the children. I told him we needed to figure out a way to make it more positive, when pressed *I said specifically he needs to be more positive towards me. He said the idea makes him feel sick, he has no desire to share anything with me. Why would he want to share anything with a person that's been the single biggest *** to him. We had a bit of back and forth, then he said the conversation was a waste of time and left.* When I asked what he suggested, he said he didn't have any idea.


Well to me he's given you his answer. 

I know what you want to happen, but he's not a willing participant in what you want. And of course the children will be affected like this. It's all fake.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If I were you, I would make plans to seperate. There's nothing worse in this world than living with a person that despises you. And yet, he still has sex with you too... like you're a prostitute. It's all wrong.


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm just not ready to give up. I do feel that he's looking for reason to R from me. That I haven't shown him good enough reason to this point. He is the kind of person that will do things in his own time, which in this case could be a while.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

icheated said:


> I'm just not ready to give up. I do feel that he's looking for reason to R from me. That I haven't shown him good enough reason to this point. He is the kind of person that will do things in his own time, which in this case could be a while.


Well good luck.

I can be a patient person, but I know I have a limit. I wouldn't be able to tolerate his actions toward me long term. NO way. Especially if I knew I was doing everything I could to to foster a postive relationship and earn his trust again.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I don't think you can give him a reason to reconcile. The only reason to reconcile is because you love someone, love them enough to trust them with your heart after they've crushed it once already. Reading you're post - honestly - I'm not sure how much he loved you before. Now he just has an excuse to drop the charade. 

I understand you're not ready to give up, but if he's not willing to honestly and diligently work at finding love with you then there's really nothing to give up on. You can have a business relationship to raise your children that doesn't require both of you to live like this.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I don't think you can give him a reason to reconcile. The only reason to reconcile is because you love someone, love them enough to trust them with your heart after they've crushed it once already. Reading you're post - honestly - I'm not sure how much he loved you before. Now he just has an excuse to drop the charade.
> 
> I understand you're not ready to give up, but if he's not willing to honestly and diligently work at finding love with you then there's really nothing to give up on. You can have a business relationship to raise your children that doesn't require both of you to live like this.


Sigma nailed it on both accounts.

Your husband, of his own omission, is not interested in reconciling. Whether that's his fault or yours is irrelevant. Reconciling, making yourself vulnerable to someone who has hurt you, is hard work. It doesn't always work when both people are committed to it. It NEVER works if only one person is committed.

If your husband isn't willing to put in the effort, then don't expect a different outcome then what you're in today. If he's not willing to put in the effort, decide if you can live with the result. You can't change that you cheated, you can only change how you react to the situation.

Your old marriage is dead. No amount of effort can bring it back. If you're doing everything you can NOW to create a better marriage, and he isn't committed, then I think it's time to separate.

Before you do, I would show him what you wrote in your first post. Give him a chance to see your feelings and see how he responds.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

icheated said:


> I am new to this forum. I'm reaching out to those of you who have potentially been through a similar situation as mine, from either side, with hopes that you may have advise on how best to handle my current situation.
> 
> I cheated on my husband 2 years ago during a work trip. It was the dumbest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I have torn apart a relationship that was the best thing that ever happened to me and hurt the most special person in the world to me worse than I'm sure I can ever possibly imagine. I regret my decisions that evening more than I could ever possibly describe, and also regret how long it took me to come out with all the details my husband asked for (he wanted everything, which I understand). It took me almost a year to finally admit that I had just as much to do with the infidelity as the other party.
> 
> ...



I have a question for you...you say it took you a year to admit you had as much to do with the affair as the OM. 

Does that mean you trickle-truthed him for a year, or that you wouldn't completely own your actions for a year?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your very roommate type relationship with your H-----with no real love, or warmth, with him treating you as if you are non-existent, and you walking on eggsells---is obviously now getting thru to your kids

You may be together for your kids---but if the horrible atmosphere you have the kids in---doesn't change---they will just get worse and eventually you will destroy their lives.

If you 2 really are not a loving couple---then for the kids sake if no other reason---get your D., and allow them to live in 2 split, but reasonably happy, warm homes.

Your H., also may not want to give up half of everything, and on top of that, alimony and child support---but you gotta do what is right for your kids---Your mge., is shot---admit it, and move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> If I were you, I would make plans to seperate. There's nothing worse in this world than living with a person that despises you. And yet, he still has sex with you too... like you're a prostitute. It's all wrong.


ITA
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## icheated (Mar 21, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I have a question for you...you say it took you a year to admit you had as much to do with the affair as the OM.
> 
> Does that mean you trickle-truthed him for a year, or that you wouldn't completely own your actions for a year?


Both. I think they are really one in the same. As pathetic as it sounds, it took me a year to even admit to myself that I wanted the night to occur, that I helped to enable it and even encourage by the actions I took.
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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Print this off and read/study it with your husband, it just may help.

Good luck

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If he was a bad husband and you were cheating on him were not cheating yourself if he is a wonderful husband and you betrayed him answer yourself


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

He's using you at this point only. He's already made it clear at the moment you're nothing to him but an afterthought (this time for real). His priorities, kids, HIS parents and work. You are no longer included in anything at all besides being a babysitter for his kids, cooking, cleaning and sex when he needs it.

Might be time to move on here. Not sure how long you can take being a doormat at this point. I wouldn't even be surprised if one day you tell him you've had enough and want a divorce and he pulls out a fully prepared divorce package for you to sign on the spot.

Sorry but you got burned this time. Unless you can stand being a maid and sex object for a very long time.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I had a one time thing once too. It was stupid, I regret it, no sex involved, but VERY close. 

I told mine about it and he blew up and left me for about 10 days. Then he came back and said he wanted to reconcile. Our relationship was better than ever for about 6 months, then started going downhill again. A year and a half later, he says he doesn't love me anymore and wants to separate. Yes, until I moved out we still had sex, because I felt like he loved me when we did. But he didn't. It was horrible, and I don't wish that situation on anyone.

Leave. Do it for you and your children. I'm a year into my separation and my life is so much better now than it was. My counselors (yes, multiple, lol) all said the same thing: he used the infidelity as an excuse to get out of the relationship. He was unhappy before, hence the reason he made me feel neglected and ignored (which led me to the infidelity.) I accept my part in that, but I also realize that his actions had a role too. 

What you are living is no way to live. Good luck.


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