# My story...



## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

I am a male - age 43, my wife is 42, we have two kids...one is 23, the other 19. This year we will have been married 24 years.

We have been to MC 4-5 times for various reasons, some of them revolved around help with the kids, communication, etc. but none really helped. The therapy sessions each would begin with her emphatically stating, "We have a problem." and I would find someone to help sort it out. About 10 years ago her sex drive crashed...once every 2-3 months was the norm. I would complain, ask that we get help and would ultimately be shot down....she could "fix it". This cycle ran for all these past years but I was wrapped up helping the kids with their school, coaching and whatnot. I took up working out to relieve stress, 2 hours a day...this helped for a while but the same arguments arose. As the years went by I started feeling more and more rejected. I was in good shape, great job, kids well, did the majority of the chores around the house (dishes, clothes, house maintenance). I would bring the sex issue up with the result being more and more tension between us. I lost my job Feb 2011 and just landed a new job Oct 2011. During the summer in between interviews I would mountain bike, box, workout, run...whatever was needed to help maintain sanity. I would ask for her to join along but was again shot down. I went to catch concerts - again - zero interest in joining in. Frustration turned into resentment by me and grew into anger. I threw out an ultimatum - please get help with our sex life or I am gone. She reluctantly is seeing a therapist with little to no improvement...she feels open to discuss sex and that is what she feels is a MAJOR improvement. I have shared with her that I want:

Intimacy
Attention
Sex

No particular order, guess it depends on the day. I gave up on porn, no connection there...that is what I crave...emotional connection. Something to show that we have some type of bond, it can hopefully grow from there. 

A friends wife disclosed her lust for me over the summer & I am really struggling not to give into temptation. I teetered on the edge of an emotional affair but I mentioned to her this was not a path I wanted to venture down. The door is always open with this woman - this has been made very clear. I researched adult friend finder a few years back but that was not a road I was comfortable with. One of my friends suggested I have a torrid affair with the woman filled with lust but I just don't feel right about sneaking around.

I am tired of being passed over having Farmville or Facebook taking priority over me. I would like someone to say goodbye in the morning before I leave for work - give me nice heartfelt kiss to have something to look forward to later, send me little messages throughout the day. I try and message but get nothing back, I call to check in and she is either too busy to pick up or "didn't hear it". I am tired of kisses you would give to your Grandma. 

That is all the ramblings I have in me right now. It is rather therapeutic just throwing this out there. 

s~s


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Your story is so similar to mine that I can really relate. I'm fifty, though, and our two kids are 12 and 15. Those kids are my wife's focus and what she has left she gives to her family, a constant problem in our marriage the past 20 years. Total disinterest in sex stopped around 11-12 years ago and stopped completely (I would guess) around 6 years ago. Like you, I just need to be touched. Thing is, it's been so long, the thought of trying to be intimate with my wife again is a total turn off.

Sounds like you really want to try the affair but you can't really justify it. In order to do so, you are going to have to leave your wife. Is that about it? What's stopping you?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I feel for you as I am living something very similar. 

I have for the past 20 years been the one putting in the effort in regards to affection and sex. I have been rejected over and over. I have stopped putting in the effort and for the last fe days I have started working out. It feels great. 

I think our only choice is to leave or put up with a sexless marriage. Leaving means splitting everything we have and starting over. I am almost 50 and starting over isn't too appealing to me. I should have left years ago when the kds were young. 

Wish you the best. I often wonder if leaving is the answer. She may just realize how important affection and sex is for a healthy marriage. Or she might just be glad I am gone. I truly don't know what she would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

In Feb 2011 my business was sold from behind me back - I had owned only 10%. At the time I felt like a complete failure. Add this to the occurring rejection from my wife and it all added up to the point where I saw a therapist for a little while. She gave me the affirmations I was seeking and helped build me up - I am clearly more stronger and focused, that's how I was able to get my needs across.

An affair is simple, non committal and little to no connection beyond just sex. Sex is important to me but an overall strong bond I feel will lead to what i ultimately need. The only way I would consider sex with another woman is if I were to file for divorce - I worry about the reaction from my kids albeit they are grown and on their own. 

Perhaps I would consider a divorce yet again another failure? This I need to ponder a bit more. 

Touch - yes I agree. There are times I am in the living room and she is so entranced by facebook or whatnot that she will not reply to my suggestions to just come and spend some time with me. We don't even have to talk, just come and snuggle up - make a comment about my cologne or something. Make me feel noticed.

I think I have addictive personality traits, by this I mean, if I get into something I do it full out. Working out, mountain biking, I collected concert posters for a while until I realized I didn't have the wall space to support my weirdness, I found a small line of artisan scents, tried to get as many as I could then thinned down the bottle herd to what i enjoyed. Recently I decided to rid myself of excess - feeling that just having stuff was pointless if it was not being enjoyed. My boxes of books I had a whopper CD collection that was on my Ipod anyway was sold and I gave the cash to my kids. This flipped my wife out considerably. Anyway, if I were to hook up with someone who showed even the slightest bit of romantic interest I would go in full throttle. It is what has been missing and quite frankly i crave it. 

s~s


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you check her facebook to see who she is talking to? Does she cling toher phone? Do yopu have access to her passwords?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Check this link out, looks like you are carrying way too much of the load.


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

Wow - that is a lot of reference material, thank you!

Facebook = nothing going on there. I have her password and I note nothing out of the ordinary. She is not very computer literate and it looks like her messages have never been deleted.

her phone is locked up tight with a word now that I figured out the swipe pattern. I can access phone records to see what is going on.

I had a short talk with her this morning asking where this is all going....lack of communication, zero intimacy, passion, sex, desire...and she did not have answer and tried to throw it all back on me. This is a normal response by her and I need to remind her of what I do for her then she replies, "Oh yeah." 

At age 43....wait....44 now, this simply cannot be it. There must be marriages where romance and desire is alive and flourishing. After reading over comments here I am torn between living as best friends or walking out the door in search of someone who better fits me needs. She has commented on several occasions that I am either high maintenance or a sex addict. I don't want the best friend scenario - she is aware of this. I also am aware I cannot change her by simply wishing or forcing her to see a therapist, she needs to want to change as well.

A friend of mine, who happens to be a woman keeps telling me NOT to have an affair as she did and feels it ruined her entire life. She keeps checking in on me saying, "Don't do it." which while odd I find it comforting. I am meeting with male friend this evening as I mentioned wanting to stray, he did a few years back and insists he can keep me from going off the rails. 

In the meantime I have been invited to a concert in Chicago Saturday with a group of people - one of which is a woman who finds me the most interesting male on the planet. I know where this could potentially lead to. It is a very difficult decision I have in front of me this very moment. I feel the extremely confused, frustrated, hurt, anger about this entire thing. If my wife would show the slightest interest in me I would not be in this position. Give me a sign that something is there.

OK - afternoon rambling complete for now.

s~s


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I think your best bet is really to bring your kids into this. They are old enough. How do you and your wife get on with them. You dont mention if your wife is working. You dont tell us why she is refusing sex. I have also had similar problems and with my W shock treatment seems to help. She feels guilty about refusing sex, but tries to justify it. Lately since I have been here things have improved. One does learn things here.


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

The relationship with my son is rocky at best. At age 23 he lives with a girlfriend who takes care of everything, he has no job and he plays PS3 all day. Ask him about current events and he is lost, Modern Warfare - he could talk for hours.

My Daughter 19 is off at college. We speak a few times throughout the day. It is her first year away and she often times looks for reassurance. I usually just ask her what her thoughts are and let her choose what is best. She had a boyfriend for two years but is now single and enjoying meeting new people.

My wife is a special needs aide in a public school. There is a large variety of problems with these kids - far too many to list. Some behavioral, other physical. She has been doing this for 12 years now.

She refuses my initiations to the point where I gave up - a common theme I read here. She was either tired, headache, felt out of shape, wrapped up in Facebook or Farmville...so many reasons I could hardly mention them all. Before it was the kids were in the house and she didn't want them to hear. As the kids aged and went out more, still no desire for sex even when i suggested the house was free. One might suggest her being unhappy with body image but I told her I didn't care, rock what you have...bring your A game and I will be happy.

I asked if she was with another person but was this was quickly shot down. I told her it didn't matter, if she would be happier with someone that didn't require attention or desire, that might be the way to go. She will not slow me the slightest bit of interest but if another woman so much glances at me for too long she flips out. In therapy she mentioned never wanting to be out of control - there may be issues there at play, I am not a therapist so I don't know. She does like to micro-manage and I am all about NOT micro managing. 

At times during the past 10-12 years while driving past a sex shop I would suggest picking up a toy or sexy outfit and I would be quickly rebuked. I said, "it was just an idea, no need to get upset." I stopped making this particular suggestion quite some time ago. In years past I would peruse Victoria's Secret catalogs, run to the store to get her gift cards and circle various items with question marks by them. I would not center around underpinnings and such but other outfits as well - jeans, tops, skirts, boots, etc. After non of them were used I stopped this as well. For all I know there may be about $300 worth of VS gift cards in her drawer. 

s~s


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

thanks
I suppose youre going about it the wrong way. You have to be straightforward. Ask why do you refuse. If she has to give excuses that means she feels guilty and has to justify herself. Maybe write a letter. Giving presents like these to a woman who refuses sex is only a turn off. She still wants you to have no one else. Dont bring this up at all, it has the opposite effect. Say or write you want sex and need it, when and under what terms is she prepared to accommodate you. If she doesnt answer we will see further.


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

That's sound advice - thank you.

s~s


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is another link that is often recommended; Married Man Sex Life

Also check DailyGrinds current thread (This is good if troubling):
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38920-women-s-infidelity-book.html


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

As expected discussion about sex lead to argument of which I am tired of having - same old things bantered about. I went different direction this time, refused to argue or yell. A the end I said, "Intimacy, sex, desire are loving acts not to be argued about - I refuse to yell." At that point I said if she was open to discuss rationally I was good to go, if not, let's try talking about something else. She stood there in stunned silence not knowing what to do next. 

Breaking the silence I stated I refuse to continue to attend MC if there in no improvement - we have been going for 9 months. She nodded her head saying, "Good luck finding someone who will finds your needs. I give you my blessing to start looking." WTF is this? 

I started researching divorce laws in this state, found some info. Looks like I can handle most of the filing by myself. 

s~s


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

soulshine said:


> As expected discussion about sex lead to argument of which I am tired of having - same old things bantered about. I went different direction this time, refused to argue or yell. A the end I said, "Intimacy, sex, desire are loving acts not to be argued about - I refuse to yell." At that point I said if she was open to discuss rationally I was good to go, if not, let's try talking about something else. She stood there in stunned silence not knowing what to do next.
> 
> Breaking the silence I stated I refuse to continue to attend MC if there in no improvement - we have been going for 9 months. She nodded her head saying, "Good luck finding someone who will finds your needs. I give you my blessing to start looking." WTF is this?
> 
> ...




The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you ever check phone records to see who she is talking to/texting?


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

The cell phones are in her name but I have access to the account. Nothing there to note - all conversations with Daughter away at school. Couple texts with son.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Soulshine, yes there are plenty of high quality women out there. You can find one who meets your needs and desires.

I am 51, and wish I would have left at your age, or earlier! Kids and their issues were a big reason I did not. Anyhow, with your kids out of the house, there is no reason to stay if your wife is not interested in having a good marriage relationship with you.

You have put in a lot of effort, and you have been to nearly a year of marriage counseling. Her only response is to argue that your needs are not important, and she contemptuously tells you to F Off in so many words.

I say cut your losses sooner rather than later.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soulshine said:


> As expected discussion about sex lead to argument of which I am tired of having - same old things bantered about. I went different direction this time, refused to argue or yell. A the end I said, "Intimacy, sex, desire are loving acts not to be argued about - I refuse to yell." At that point I said if she was open to discuss rationally I was good to go, if not, let's try talking about something else. She stood there in stunned silence not knowing what to do next.
> 
> Breaking the silence I stated I refuse to continue to attend MC if there in no improvement - we have been going for 9 months. She nodded her head saying, "Good luck finding someone who will finds your needs. I give you my blessing to start looking." WTF is this?
> 
> ...


I guess she does not realize that it is she who is unreasonable. You would have no problem finding a woman willing to love you and be sexual with you.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Strange that she is just letting your marriage go like its no big deal. It doesn't make sense why a woman would not want to make love to her husband. It sounds like you are doing all you can to help your marriage but it takes two. Your happiness is just as important as hers. It seems like you would be happier sharing time with someone who wants to be there for you and with you. Since you have interested individuals in your life I would say you are best to move on and live a happy and fulfilling life with someone who truly wants to be with you. That is my concern is if I leave is there someone out there that is better suited for me. Then I would be able to spend the quality time I am missing with them instead of being miserable with someone who just doesn't get what it takes to have a healthy and happy relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

For ten years I asked for her to seek help regarding a lack of a sex life between us....10 F*ING YEARS. 

Frustration
Anger
Resentment
Jealousy

My emotions ran the gamut. I see people walking hand in hand and think, "Yeah - that's what I want." I gave up holding grudges many months ago - seemed silly to hold on them. I cleaned all of the extra crap I had over the past few months - If I hadn't touched it I gave it away or sold it and split the cash with my kids. My wife found this beyond crazy. Any of my "friends" of Facebook who I actually had no contact with were thinned from the herd. After a while I contacted them all individually suggesting actually having dinner, drinks or chats in person - gave them my number and deleted the account. I got calls asking if everything was OK and while it was with me, the relationship with my wife was deteriorating.

I would drop a few hints here and there that I would like things to improve, suggestions of evenings, dates, etc all to be shot down. I asked if she was bored, maybe there is someone else who may rock her world but the reply was always, "Ungh.." 

When I had no job this summer I was able to focus on just myself throughout the day, I would get up at 5AM to hit the gym, get home in time to see her off to work, send out resumes, lunch was mountain biking, back home for resumes and dinner cooking, out to box and home to try and connect with her. She has a million hours DVR'd of soap operas so if not intently watching that she's on farmville doing whatever that is. 

I am clearly more driven and focused then ever before. Whatever I pushed to the side in terms of things I found irritating I now make known. I know through therapy my wife does not find change a good thing and needs to micro manage. I am tired of talking about "feelings" - I can talk about that **** all night but unless there is actual change this is all going nowhere.

Over the years there has been plenty of women who come up to say hi - we chat a bit and I tell them I am married. Sometimes they would reply, "Nobody needs to know." but I stayed the course and did not stray. This past weekend I was offered to head to Chicago - meet a woman there in her suite she had picked up with a friend, she had an extra concert ticket, I just had to show up. I stayed home, tried to have dinner with my wife where I asked to please show some type of affection but it all ended in an argument. 

I feel like a moron on both fronts - one for passing up a sure thing. Yeah, I get the good guy, work on your marriage award for the week - super. But I also get the dumbass thinking things may actually improve award too. 

A common excuse for years of unfulfilled sex was, "The kids might hear." OK....sleepovers = nothing, hotel stays = nothing, quickie while kids at afterschool activity = nope. The house is empty....it's my period. I suggest that I am not thrown by that in the least, let's roll. Disgusted eye roll is result. 

end of ramble - again. I don't know if comments are coherent or not, just kinda typed as thoughts entered my head.

s~s


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why not just divorce her? She does not care about your needs.


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

EleGirl - thanks.

I have read thru some of the alpha male stufff here...makes sense. In terms of just "sex" a friend told me to call an escort but I passed - no connection there. I used to watch porn but that got boring in a hurry - no connection again. I have a mind PACKED FULL of things I want to experience with a willing, loving partner. Someone who will not snicker at my suggestions or find me a sex addict. Nothing BDSM related or lets bring in some farm animals type thing. I am fairly certain a three way is not something I would be into. Let me elaborate:

During a MC session the therapist asked us what was in our, "Yes - No - Maybe" boxes as far as sexual activities. Outside of missionary in the dark, all of hers would be in the "Maybe or No" boxes. My reply was, "Everything in the yes or maybe box please...I would give everything a go at least twice to make certain then slide into no if really needed. If wife was still interested, after the second go round I would do it just to keep her happy." I asked if she was a closet lesbian but she said no. The therapist mentioned she may be intimidated by this?!?! Really - a guy willing to experience anything with her is intimidating? That I still don't get.

Sex - just getting my rocks off = boredom. Alpha male aside, I want a connection. Physical, emotional & spiritual.

s~s


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I know what you are in search of. I am looking for the same. We have to go thru the divorce part first which is not going to be a pleasant experience I am sure. Keep us updated on your progress. We are all here to help each other!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't know what your wife's real issues are. She might just be too hung up on sex to enjoy it. She could have hormone problems that make her not want sex. You might have not met her needs for so long that she’s emotionally starved. Who knows? All of these are things that can be worked on.
So far nothing you have said sounds perverted or like a sex addict. You sound healthy to me in this area.

What I don’t get is a woman (or a man) who simply does not care about meeting their spouse needs. Sexual needs are real for both men and women. Your wife seems to think she’s in control here. She’s not even agreeing to missionary in the dark. But she will not tell you why.

To me what she is doing is spousal abuse. Withholding all forms of physical touch is abuse. Then if you cheat just to get what most humans need, you come off as the bad guy. No one in good conscience would advise anyone to stay in a situation in which they are being abused.

My husband is like our wife in that he ended all sex some time ago. We used to have a very active sex life. He gives no reason really. Because of this and another huge issue I’m seriously thinking of divorce.

Only you can decide if you stay. But don’t cheat. You will hate yourself. So if you are going to be involved with someone else divorce your wife. 

You can let her know that she told you to find someone else, so you are divorcing her first as you are an honorable man.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Straight to the point. Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she's not attracted to you that way anymore. Maybe, as mentioned above, you've neglected her needs, or hormones, or just time. Maybe she's fed up with your habits, your snoring, your smell. Who knows? Offering to buy her sex toys and asking if she's a lesbian are NOT going to make this women suddenly jump in your lap. She's more than likely not having an affair (I'm tired of people assuming this when their not getting their rocks off on a regular basis) but she's obviously not happy and hasn't been for a long time. Unfortunately, it's easier for her to stay in the marriage. So you're going to have to decide if you're going to 1. remain in an abstinent marriage 2. get a divorce and find someone else 3. have an affair. I've been your wife but eventually chose to leave. Talking, begging, counselling etc. are not going to make someone who has no sexual attraction to you suddenly start having sex on a regular basis. 
I hate to sound mean but I've been there, my friends have been there and I have many male friends in the same situation. There's no reason to live a life of abstinence. Live for yourself, your children are grown and capable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> Straight to the point. Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she's not attracted to you that way anymore. Maybe, as mentioned above, you've neglected her needs, or hormones, or just time. Maybe she's fed up with your habits, your snoring, your smell. Who knows? Offering to buy her sex toys and asking if she's a lesbian are NOT going to make this women suddenly jump in your lap. She's more than likely not having an affair (I'm tired of people assuming this when their not getting their rocks off on a regular basis) but she's obviously not happy and hasn't been for a long time. Unfortunately, it's easier for her to stay in the marriage. So you're going to have to decide if you're going to 1. remain in an abstinent marriage 2. get a divorce and find someone else 3. have an affair. I've been your wife but eventually chose to leave. Talking, begging, counselling etc. are not going to make someone who has no sexual attraction to you suddenly start having sex on a regular basis.
> I hate to sound mean but I've been there, my friends have been there and I have many male friends in the same situation. There's no reason to live a life of abstinence. Live for yourself, your children are grown and capable.


So why is there no desire on her part to put the marriage back on track?


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

i think she feels getting the marriage back on track is talking about feelings with a therapist for an hour once every two weeks - effort beyond that may be too much. 

She is the type who sleeps in till noon on the weekends where I am out doing things. I actually have to walk on eggshells to avoid excess noise not to wake her. I usually just set out my workout clothes in the AM, slide them on and head out. In the AM on a normal work day I go about my business without much concern as to if I wake her up or not. I had suggested early morning conversation would be nice...it was attempted once since then. She waited until 15 minutes before I walked out the door, plopped herself down on a chair and said, "I'm here, now what?" 

I asked her last night where we go from here. Reiterated what I am in need of and in return asked if her needs are not met, she should let me know what I could work on. I got one answer for both questions - "I dunno".

I let her know she could take whatever time she felt necessary to figure out an answer but I was not waiting a year for a reply. 

s~s


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## soulshine (Jan 26, 2012)

Update

I continue to be stuck in this effing rut. I made contact with a few friends on FB (some female) and we go to see concerts, have lunch or just visit. With the women I tell them that our relationships are friendship based - not physical. I am aware of EA's and do not want it to progress. All of my friends suggest leaving my wife, I have researched but have yet to pull the trigger. We continue in therapy but this is going nowhere. This past week she chimed in knowing about "all the affairs I am having with ladies" and demanded all contact with women cease immediately. It makes no difference if I explain what is discussed, where I will be and with whom - I even invite her along. I thought I would go along with this game and said, "OK - all contact with women ends immediately. I am not angry...let's see how we progress." To date, zero improvement with intimacy, sex or attention. Last evening after suggesting a happy ending after a back rub I was shot down - again. I asked why and was told, "You do not realize the emotional roller coaster you put me on over the last few months talking with other women!" I questioned that in the past ten years I have dealt with:

All men are pigs.
I am not happy with myself - she refuses to elaborate.
I'm just not into sex - why can't we just hang out.
My ? hurts. ? = insert body part.
You put me on roller coaster ride.

All excuses over this time period. I ask about the **** I have had to deal with this lack of affection and she shrugs. Frustration is an understatement. My Daughter is now home from college so add that list of reasons for no sexual activity. I am loosing any/all emotional connection with my wife. 

s~s


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