# Considering Trial Separation to Save Marriage - Has this worked for anyone?



## mdawson123 (Dec 12, 2017)

My


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

mdawson123 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8 and we have gone through a rough spell for the last year of our marriage.
> 
> We had a great relationship but due to busy work schedules and owning a business, we began to drift apart. We both became very independent and a lack of affection started coming from him. I felt alone. Long story short, we finally got rid of the business but things still have not gotten back to normal.
> 
> ...


First of all you need to get into IC because you are blaming your husband for your EA. It's all on you. Doesn't matter what he did or the state of your marriage. I'd start there. And he needs to get into IC as well.

I think a trial separation is a bad idea.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mdawson123 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8 and we have gone through a rough spell for the last year of our marriage.
> 
> We had a great relationship but due to busy work schedules and owning a business, we began to drift apart. We both became very independent and a lack of affection started coming from him. I felt alone. Long story short, we finally got rid of the business but things still have not gotten back to normal.
> 
> ...


I’m not trying to offend you but is this trial separation just so you can carry on your emotional affair or have a physical affair with your AP or someone else.It seems a very convenient way of you getting space to do whatever you want under the pretext of giving your husband space.Are you offering him a hall pass?
Remember you had the affair,it is all on you.Whatever problems you were having in your marriage could have been helped with counseling but you took the nuclear option.
I separated from my long time gf last year and we got back together.The big difference was none of us cheated.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Asking for a trail separation? Some men - smart ones will read that as lets just go straight to the divorce. You would be confirming that the marriage is over and want time to play without bothersome hubby interfering.

The emotional affair is on you, not him. You crossed the boundaries of exclusive intimacy, not him. He feels betrayed. The fix is spending more time together building that trust back up, not less time so you can grow further apart.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Trial separations here on TAM usually end in divorce.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

A strong marriage requires commitment. A trial separation does not demonstrate commitment.

Going into marriage counseling, trying to work through problems does demonstrate commitment.


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## Dan708 (Jul 27, 2015)

My ex-wife walked out on me a few months after I found out about her affair. She wanted to do a 3 or 6 month separation... I can't even remember how long. 17 days later, she sent me a financial disclosure statement for me to fill out through her lawyer, then dragged her feet so she could get more in the settlement. I filed for divorce and we were officially divorced less than 6 months after her requesting a trial separation.

Bottom line: I don't think trial separations EVER work. Reason being, if there are problems, you don't solve them being apart but rather by working together to fix them and rebuild trust.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So at a point where your husband might need you to demonstrate your commitment and devotion to him, you're thinking of telling him you'd like to be away from him for a while? Whose idea is the separation?

Look, if you aren't committed to him, just tell him now and let him get on with his life. If you respect him, don't play games.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Use it as a last resort I would say keep a distance, small talk, no I love you, no begging, no pleading, show kindness, show change, etc time is on your side it may take a few months. Keep pressure off for a while. Thats your best shot.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I haven’t tried separation, but my thoughts are that it wouldn’t work. If my husband was already emotionally distant I wouldn’t want him physically distant as well. 

Honestly, I’ve been married longer and we’ve been through a lot more hell. I think your marriage is salvageable yet but you need professional help. I think you should both consider seeing a counselor.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@mdawson123, the reason you're receiving the feedback you are is that in many cases, a trial separation only increases the likelihood that (1) you will meet up or carry on with your AP once you have the privacy and "freedom" to do so and/or (2) the marriage will have zero chance to heal due to the physical and emotional distance.

You cannot repair any relationship by separation. Repair takes presence, willingness, dedication, and consistent effort from both of you. Separation laughs in the face of all this. 

The deterioration of the marriage bond sounds like it was the fault of you both, but your affair was 100% on you. What have you done, if anything, to HEAL your husband after the affair? What have you done to demonstrate genuine REMORSE? Did you offer a time line? Did you surrender all your social media passwords? You are supposed to become MORE transparent after an affair, not less. Separation gives you the opportunity to become less transparent with him, to hide things. 

You need to be honest with yourself. Maybe I'm reading between the lines but the attitude I sense is one of just throwing the marriage in the dumpster because it's too much work to "fix" and you would rather separate than divorce. You may as well divorce IMO because inevitably, that is where separation will lead. Separation to me is just another way of running from the problem under the guise of having some "good for us" space. It's actually good for you, not for the marriage, much like your EA.

Decide what you want.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I've seen separations only work in helping the marriage if the couple was always heatedly fighting and needed a cool down. In those circumstances, they still talked and met throughout the week and were attending MC together to work it out.

Pretty much any other situation doesn't warrant a separation.

If saving your marriage is your goal, then you both need to pour yourselves into your marriage and work.

Unfortunately, you have a lot more work than your H. Cheating is devastating and takes enormous effort to repair with the majority of the weight being carried by the cheater.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just curious what your definition of an EA is - was there NO physical contact (kissing, making out, rubbing etc)?

As others are saying the EA is completely on you. That goes without saying. I would add to that by asking why you think you had the EA? The bit about needing affection etc. is just sugar coating the fact that you behaved badly, lied and cheated to your husband, broke your vows and are now trying to justify it. You really need to own this in its entirety - not simply by saying yes it was my fault but by also saying (and meaning it) that I behaved in an awful, disrespectful, immoral way. Only then can you begin (maybe with the help of IC) to fix yourself first.

Your husband's reaction is normal (if anything not strong enough) and he would do well to get some help too.

Are you not attracted to your husband anymore ? Was your AP more attractive ? Honesty needed all the time here.

And like others are saying you are making up reasons for the separation (which rarely helps situations like yours) instead of maybe saying you need the space for selfish and again, possibly immoral, reasons. Why don't you just divorce your husband ? Is it because you want the stability of having him around or even as a back-up plan (otherwise known as Plan B)?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Looks like mdawson123 deleted her initial post. Oh well.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I did find once a book in the self help section that advocated trial separations. "Trial separation " was in the title of the book.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Looks like mdawson123 deleted her initial post. Oh well.


Because we’re so quick to pounce om her for cheating?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Who knows? I have no idea.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have yet to hear of a good trial separation. Most of them end with one of partners sleeping around. A few have ended with the wife getting pregnant by OM. 

Trial separation is not a good idea if you want to save the marriage.


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