# What goes on during a "boys night out"?



## SIAS5727

I posted another thread about my insecurities. I'm very insecure and boyfriend's kind of sick of it. He says he sometimes needs space and wants to spend more time with the guys (less time with me... we can only truly see each other on weekends because we don't live together and also because of his work schedule).

I've grown very used to seeing him on weekends and spending time together, since when I started college three years ago I lost my friends and I haven't met girls that I really get along with or who like going out. So I usually stay in with him on weekends. He also doesn't trust me (based on my past, before I was with him), because back when I was single, when I went out on girls nights out a couple of times I ended making out with some random guys (no sex, just kissing). He thinks I'll do it again, and he's never done that, so yeah. 

Now he wants to start going out with the guys, no questions asked. He says he doesn't want me to nag him afterwards and that he doesn't want me to ask question after question or get jealous. Difficult for me. I'm terribly insecure and I'm sure he's sick of it, but telling me he wants to go out instead of being with me, and giving me no reassurance does nothing for my confidence.

A guy in another forum said that usually things get a bir R rated during these nights out, but didn't explain. He said these things improve a guys confidence. What does he mean? Getting lap dances? Or sexy dances from girls at regular clubs (you know, girls rubbing their butt on a guys crotch?). What? What happens? How important are hot girls to make a guys night out worthwhile? Is it possible to have the same ammount of fun without girls being involved? I know he wouldn't cheat (as in, he wouldn't cross the boundaries of kissing another girl or having sex with her), but it would make me really uncomfortable if he went out and flirted with other women, danced with them or received lap dances at a strip club (all of these which aren't considered actually cheating). I am a bit unattractive so the whole looks thing is a sensitive topic for me. On the other hand, why would he need to build his confidence with other women? He has me, I'm very affectionate, complimentary, etc. I'm always complimenting him, especially in the sex department.


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## nice777guy

First of all - do you know if his nights out involve strip clubs?

R-rated could just mean the conversation. Talking about hot women, telling dirty jokes, cursing, *****ing about wives and girlfriends, drinking too much - I could see where a lady would not want to go out with a group of guys, even if it was just a trip to the corner bar and not the local topless joint.

And of course - so much of it depends on the guys. Not all of us are complete pigs!


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## SIAS5727

No I don't know if they go to strip clubs, they probably don't but it's not hard for a group of guys that are out in the city to just go "Hey, let's go to the strip club!". I mean if all the guys think it's a great idea it would be lame for him to say "no, I'll pass, it'll make my girlfriend upset", right? So if they want to go he has to go.


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## DawnD

I'm not a man, but I think as women we tend to make way too big a deal about guys nights. If he was wanting to go all weekend every weekend, yeah then its a problem. 

STOP CALLING YOURSELF UNATTRACTIVE. You are what you think you are. If you think you are unattractive then that is the vibe you put out. Get into a hobby that builds back up that confidence!! My butt isn't as small as it was before two kids, but when I go out with my H, I put on something that makes me FEEL sexy and awesome and he LOVES it. Self perception has a lot of weight.


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## SIAS5727

I've been called unattractive all my life. People never tell me I'm attractive - only my mom and my boyfriend (but rarely, not even weekly, guess he's not good with compliments). I know people don't find me attractive, it's not that I'm fishing for compliments or anything. Some people are not born beautiful. I just wish I looked more like the celebs he likes, they are naturally beautiful even without make up.


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## DawnD

I'm not Jennifer Aniston either, but sexy is an attitude. You have to show the confidence and then maybe the BF WILL compliment you!


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## nice777guy

It only takes one guy to say "no, I don't want to - per agreement with my wife" to at least "delay" a potential outing to a strip club.

My most common nights out involve going to Hooters or something similar to watch sports or fights. Maybe "R-rated" could mean the violence of a good UFC fight?

I really don't go out much. I've probably ended up at a strip club maybe 7 times or so in my life? And half of those were with my wife and a group of friends - both men and women.

And the "ego boost" or whatever - it just feels good to get out! You don't need a girl in your lap - it just feels good to get out, drink, cuss, complain and blow off some steam.


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## michzz

I rarely get invited to go anywhere, but that's another issue. However, when I do get together with other guys it's to have a beer or two and b!tch about work over pizza, maybe play pool or watch a game at a sports bar.

Personally, I do not see the allure of going to strip joint. Sit around with a bunch of other guys all with a boner over some unavailable woman doing gyrations for cash?

No thanks!


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## tifnjuh

Well as a male we do not like being nagged at all. We like to feel like we can tell our other half any and everything with out regretting telling them. You defenitly have to stop being so insecure. Never accuse him of doing anything wrong because you may push him to do something he is being accused of.

A lot of men love their strip clubs. I personally enjoy going to one, but I never do it alone. I am always with friends or sometimes my wife will join me. Depending on where you live and whether it is a strip club or what I like to call a gents club, will also be a difference. Most of the good gents clubs the dancers are very professional and they are just doing their jobs and have no interest in doing anything with your man. On the other hand there is the nasty strip clubs, where the women will do anything they can to pay the bills. Those are the clubs I do not go to.

Strip clubs are not as bad as some make them out to be, I would suggest for any women to attend one with their husband/b.f. You will be able to see what goes on for yourself.

Also with him having trust problems with you, you got to think that he might be just as insecure as you are. The best thing to do is to sit down and talk about it. Also how he said that he wants to go out with guys no questions asked. The best way around that is when you talk to him or see him after the night out just ask him if he had fun. He will answer you most likely and he may even describe his night out. If you want to ask him about it just make it sound as if you are interested and not demanding. 

R-rated- my opinion on the whole r-rated is it just means that it is something that they would like to keep among the men, it is not something that would end a relation-ship but just something that is meant for only the guys. Whether it is strip club, getting drunk, talking about the wives, etc it most likely is not anything that is really bad. Most men just like r-rated fun.

Well I am just rambling on but just talk, talk, talk with him. Do not say something that you know might start a fight. 

One thing my wife always tells me "Go out and flirt your ass off, then come home and do me":lol:


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## SIAS5727

I guess there are different comfort levels. I don't know, in the place I live in (Latin America) in my small town, I don't think they let women in at strip clubs. My mom and her friend were at a big city once, and they were desperate for some coffee. So after searching for coffee shops, they found a topless one. Reluctantly, they tried to go in, and they were not let in.So they had to just keep craving coffee. They had a men only policy... if it was just a topless coffee shop, I can only imagine how it is at strip clubs. I would imagine it would be the same. I haven't heard of any girl that has gone with her bf or husband.

But I imagine it'd be hell for me. Even if these strippers wanted nothign with my boyfriend, I would hate seeing their bodies (which although not perfect, are better than mine proportion-wise...) and most of all being next to him with him having a boner from another woman, like another poster described. I don't think I could handle it well.

I'm glad you and your wife are that comfortable with each other. I hope one day I can be but I doubt it. I just hate thinking that he gets aroused by other women and it'd be too painful to actually see it happen. I just feel uncomfortable with the whole strippers thing. In my head they're only fine for a bachelor's party. And even then, no lap dances. How can my body compare to a stripper's? I have really small breasts, so I can only imagine what a let down it'd be for him having me after having had a giant pair of gravity-defying knockers in his face.

But what exactly is R rated fun? Does it involve women, and why is it considered an ego booster? That's what I want to know. I just don't like that he needs another woman to boost his ego when he has me, I compliment him (especially sexually), I am loving, caring, I do things for him, I surprise him, etc. Sure I nag him sometimes, but he nags too. Why does he need extra attention? I find that insulting to my efforts. Like it's not enough! I don't want him flirting with another woman just so that he can feel like a man! I'm sure he wouldn't like it if I dressed really sexy and went to a bar just to get guys to buy me drinks and flirt with me, so that I get an ego boost... He would actually hate that! A woman is usually considered a sl*t if she does that when she's in a relationship. It shouldn't be different for men.

Oh, and I've talked to him many many times about his trust issues with me, but he just won't admit that he's insecure. According to him, he just doesn't respect my past and thinks I had no good morals back then, since I acted so impulsively and for the wrong reasons (because I gave myself physically - even if it only involved kissing - to guys who didn't really care about me, and just because I wanted to feel attractive to someone). He says it's not insecurity, it's just a matter of different morals and values.


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## tifnjuh

Well with strippers trust me they are not what t.v makes them out to be. There is some good looking ones at the top notch strip clubs, but most of them are like any other average women. They have flaws like anyone else, just the darkness of the club and flashing lights help hide them. I do understand where you are coming from about not wanting another women touching your man.

I attend strip clubs because it is fun, I do not do it for no ego boost, I do not see how that would give anyone an ego boost, I would think it would hurt their ego more as they are paying for a women. I have never heard of a man going for an ego boost. That is a good poll for my website I will have to get mens opinions on why they enjoy strip clubs.

I know a lot of my friends who go have very stressful jobs and they feel it is just a good place to unwind. Plus a friend of mine who is a salesmen says its a good place for business because the people are usually already in a good mood

I just do not understand why your boyfriend feels that he has the right to judge you on your past. So what you kissed some guys, do you know how many women would have slept with all of them? To me you are better than a lot of other women. I do not want to comment much on your relationship but it really is not his place nor business to judge you. Well I hope you can find your answer, sorry I could have not been better help.


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## Dancing Nancie

michzz said:


> I rarely get invited to go anywhere, but that's another issue. However, when I do get together with other guys it's to have a beer or two and b!tch about work over pizza, maybe play pool or watch a game at a sports bar.
> 
> Personally, I do not see the allure of going to strip joint. Sit around with a bunch of other guys all with a boner over some unavailable woman doing gyrations for cash?
> 
> No thanks!


Im with you. I have never been into strip clubs, and really don't see the point of giving money to someone to make me horny so I can go home with blue balls. NO THANKS!

My guy outings revolve around sports, poker, crude language and beer.


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## SIAS5727

tifnjuh said:


> Well with strippers trust me they are not what t.v makes them out to be. There is some good looking ones at the top notch strip clubs, but most of them are like any other average women. They have flaws like anyone else, just the darkness of the club and flashing lights help hide them. I do understand where you are coming from about not wanting another women touching your man.
> 
> I attend strip clubs because it is fun, I do not do it for no ego boost, I do not see how that would give anyone an ego boost, I would think it would hurt their ego more as they are paying for a women. I have never heard of a man going for an ego boost. That is a good poll for my website I will have to get mens opinions on why they enjoy strip clubs.
> 
> I know a lot of my friends who go have very stressful jobs and they feel it is just a good place to unwind. Plus a friend of mine who is a salesmen says its a good place for business because the people are usually already in a good mood
> 
> I just do not understand why your boyfriend feels that he has the right to judge you on your past. So what you kissed some guys, do you know how many women would have slept with all of them? To me you are better than a lot of other women. I do not want to comment much on your relationship but it really is not his place nor business to judge you. Well I hope you can find your answer, sorry I could have not been better help.


You've been very helpful, trust me. You and your wife are really lucky to have each other  I think you have a really healthy attitude towards strip clubs anyway... I don't know if my boyfriend's even been to one, at least he's never gone while being with me, but if he ever goes while being with me I really hope he has an attitude towards it like yours. If things turn out right and get better, he'll surely go when we get married. Only rule would be no lap dances... well I guess if he did get one, I'd have to make it a competition. I would have to give him a better lap dance later, so he'd forget about the stripper 

Anyway, now I feel more relaxed about the whole boys night out thing. I wish this lasts. I think I may have some sort of anxiety disorder (ever since I was a kid I've been a "over worrier", I always worry about everything, get anxious easily, a bit obsessive at times, I get really nervous and impatient, sometimes I get sweaty, lose my appetite, can't sleep well or I'll have dreams involving my worries). So I think sure I'm insecure but maybe a lot of it is taken to an extreme by me because I'm prone to anxiety. I just figured that out and I'm trying to rationalize my fears that way. Most of what I fear or feel is just product of the anxiety, so it's not warranted. That realization made me really happy.


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## Big Bear

DawnD said:


> I'm not a man, but I think as women we tend to make way too big a deal about guys nights. If he was wanting to go all weekend every weekend, yeah then its a problem.
> 
> STOP CALLING YOURSELF UNATTRACTIVE. You are what you think you are. If you think you are unattractive then that is the vibe you put out. Get into a hobby that builds back up that confidence!! My butt isn't as small as it was before two kids, but when I go out with my H, I put on something that makes me FEEL sexy and awesome and he LOVES it. Self perception has a lot of weight.


Could not agree more! Self perception is so often overlooked in favor of energy spent trying to figure out what she/he thinks, does or says. Finding new interests will enrich your life in the years to come. On kind of a petty note, I know that when my wife and I were dating and she found new hobbies... I found myself competing more for her time and attention! Good luck to you.

Bear


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## sisters359

You would be better off working on your self-esteem issues than worrying about what your bf is up to--'cause once you get some self-esteem, this issue will probably not bother you at all. Why are you even considering putting up with a double standard, he can go out but you can't? Your past is in the past, and you understand why you did what you did, and you know you don't want to repeat that behavior. Tell him that, start making some friends (yes, a hobby or some other activity is a great way to meet people), and start going out without him. It does not have to be clubbing or bars--honestly, people DO go out for coffee, or dinner, or dessert, or to shop, or about a million other things. Get out, enjoy yourself, and you will be a better partner. In fact, if you get to feeling good about yourself, his insecurities may start to bother you and you might find yourself recommending that he work on his self esteem. 

Attractiveness is not about good looks. Yes, good looking people tend to be attractive, too--but a LOT of attractive people aren't actually good looking. Attractiveness is about the way you carry yourself and express yourself, and if you are happy with yourself, it shows and draws others to you--ie, attracts them. Attitude is 'way more effective than make-up, too (although a lot of women don't realize this). I worked really hard on improving my self-esteem in my 20s, and it has been so, so worth it. I quit wearing even the tiny bit of make-up I occasionally wore, and learned to love my looks just as they are. If you saw pics of me, you'd know I'm average looking at best, by "model" standards (high cheek bones, wide eyes, etc; I don't have any of that stuff) And yet I can't tell you how many guys have told me "yeah, but you are 'naturally beautiful' and you don't 'need' make up." Uh, no, NOT naturally beautiful. Totally ignored by guys in high school. Nothing changed in the next few years--except my attitude and self-esteem. If I could do it, so can you. Good luck.


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## Butters

Well, in and of it self, a guys night out is not that bad. Guys like the feeling that the can go be 'pack animals' for a while and that the wife is not telling them what to do. It doesn't nessecarily mean that they're going to strip clubs, maybe it just means a night of pool (billiards) smoking or some beer drinking.

As a man, I feel the need for male companionship (pack-animal time) but at my age, it usually means going out to eat with a friend and talking about life problems! I've been to one strip club in life (my bachelor party) and that was enough for me. I'm old enough to realize that all that would happen at a club is that I get aroused and have no release.


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