# I did something bad.



## Not Right (Dec 18, 2013)

We are a married couple in our early 30’s, we’ve been together for 12 years, married for 3, and lived together for 4. We have our ups and downs in the past and we’ve had our fights, there have been a few times when we both lost our cool and did things we regretted.

When I’ve lost my cool I’ve called her names that I couldn’t ever even dream of calling her, she has done the same, she has also punched me a few times and thrown various items at me. It wasn’t a big deal and it must’ve happened three or four times when we were young, nothing recent.

Having said that, within hours we would sit down and resolve our issues like adults and move forward.

Recently we got into an argument over something stupid (no way!!), which escalated fairly quickly. It wasn’t even much of an argument until she simply snapped and started yelling at me. This caught me off guard so I put my back up and started yelling back. This went back and forth, names were called (progressively getting worse and more personal) and then she finally brought up something very personal between us and used that to insult me. I pushed her out of the way and left the room while calling her some vulgarities, she did the same and then I lost my cool and I turned around and from about 5 feet I spat on her twice, then walked away. 

I have a mix of emotion going through me right now, there is a lot of rage, I haven’t slept, and I don’t know what to do. She tried talking to me last night as well as today, I am not ready to face her. I feel awful about spitting on her, but I can’t explain to you how much she hurt me when she said what she said.

I don’t even know why I am posting this, I know I am in the wrong here, but the rage inside me will not allow me to sit down and talk to her just yet. I can’t focus at work and I can’t share this with anyone.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Well I can tell you I have shared some stuff on here that I would never tell anyone else. 

When something tears me up that bad and I can't bring myself to talk to my wife just yet we frequently work things out through text messages or emails. It lets me pick my words and get out what I need to say with out chickening out or getting cut off. But no matter how you do it, if its tearing you up that bad, you need to talk to her. She already tried to come to you and is probably wanting to apologize for what ever really hurt you that she said. Dragging this on does nothing for anyone. 

That said. Once you get this behind you. I would recomend MC and possibly anger management for both of you. Arguments should NEVER progress to that level.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

seems she was as much in the wrong as you were.

and by her trying to talk about it would sugest that she know what she said was out of line.

what did she say.... I can guess something about your package or being a poor lover ......or something just as hurtfull!

never the less. your style of fighting with the horrible names and spitting on both sides is not going to cut it.

usually a small stupid fight that esculates to a major blow out indicates that there is resentment on both side going ignored and in the heat of the battle both sides pull out some big guns.

maybe try to get to the bottom of the hidden issues and comunicate your issues when the first pop up instead of ignoring them so they won't come back to haunt you later.

or realise your done and move on.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You both are toxic to one and another, and what you both are doing is not what love and a healthy relationship is about. Its best to call is quits now.


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## Not Right (Dec 18, 2013)

I think she "snapped" on me because she was stressed from work. She was working at home (long day) when I asked her for help. I needed a spare set of hands, when she tried to help she wasn't really helping, it was actually worse so I told her (mind you not in the best tone as I was getting impatient). After a few attempts of me trying to show her what I needed she couldn't do it and then she freaked out on me. 

As far as what she said, we've been talking about kids lately and we are both on the fence whether we want them now or later. During the fight she said the main reason she doesn't want to have kids with me is because she doesn't want them to turn out anything like me. That really hurt.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Neither of you need any kids until your own individual self's are sorted out. Don't purposely bring a child into a unhealthy situation.


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## Not Right (Dec 18, 2013)

We have no intention of having kids right now, we both don't want to at this particular point in our lives due to our careers.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds to me like you have another, more immediate decision than having kids. 

You two have some serious issues if they've reached a point where you call names, spout vulgarities, and allow yourself to strike out physically. Her words are as abusive as what you did, and neither is excusable, but there are reasons both happened.

You two have been together a long time. She says she doesn't want kids to turn out like you. This *might* be purely manipulative, designed to hurt you badly enough that you'll leave her alone about having kids that she doesn't want (while she has a different reason that she won't discuss.) More likely, she has some serious resentments and anger toward you, and you'll need to address these problems. 

While there is a slim chance that talking to her and listening without defending yourself could produce some results, this also poses a risk that she could feel like her mean treatment led to progress and could encourage her to resort to the same kind of tactics in later arguments. For that reason, I'd recommend a different approach: 

I'd say, "We crossed a line I'm not willing to have in our relationship, so I'm leaving today and we can decide over the next weeks whether we're going to recover our relationship or not." Then do it, and address her hurtful comment and the lingering resentments before moving back.


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## Not Right (Dec 18, 2013)

From our past arguments one thing is very clear...we are both stubborn and we both call each other words that we don't mean and we also say things to each other that we don't mean. I know on my end it's like that and she says it's the same for her, it generally escalates if one person feels they are losing the *fight*. It's really silly thinking about it, but that's your monday morning quarterback speaking. When you are in the heat of the moment you say/do things that aren't rational.

As far as kids, all that is relevant right now is that we aren't going to have them/if we even have them. But being together for 12 years there have been many times she has told me of the many traits (physical/character/etc) that I have that she'd be looking forward to having in our children if we ever decide to have any. That always meant a lot to me and I think she was so angry she wanted to take it back and really upset me, which she did.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Not Right said:


> From our past arguments one thing is very clear...we are both stubborn and we both call each other words that we don't mean and we also say things to each other that we don't mean. I know on my end it's like that and she says it's the same for her, it generally escalates if one person feels they are losing the *fight*. It's really silly thinking about it, but that's your monday morning quarterback speaking. When you are in the heat of the moment you say/do things that aren't rational.


If one or both of you buy into that thinking ^ then you can expect that this isn't the last time you'll find yourself in situations like the one you just had. 

It's not ok. It's abuse. 

You cannot allow yourselves to think "Well, we only do it when we're mad," because that's what abuse IS...!!! It's a way of gaining power/control when a person doesn't feel they have enough.


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## Not Right (Dec 18, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> If one or both of you buy into that thinking ^ then you can expect that this isn't the last time you'll find yourself in situations like the one you just had.
> 
> It's not ok. It's abuse.
> 
> You cannot allow yourselves to think "Well, we only do it when we're mad," because that's what abuse IS...!!! It's a way of gaining power/control when a person doesn't feel they have enough.


So what is the solution?

What is the issue? Is it that we take our fights to far? Is it that no one backs down? 

I've laid out my cards for a reason, because I don't know how to proceed. I am open to suggestions.

Telling me to leave my house for 2 weeks over this doesn't seem to address anything, if anything it's just making a bad situation worse.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Not Right said:


> So what is the solution?
> 
> What is the issue? Is it that we take our fights to far? Is it that no one backs down?
> 
> ...


you'e the best judge of what might help and what might make things worse. are you sure a week (vice 2) apart wouldn't help you both? I'd think it might make you both appreciate each other more.......miss each other perhaps.

can't put my finger on it but based on your posts here, I get the impression that there is real love in the relationship, in both directions. sounds like neither of you "fight fair" however. arguments don't have to become so personal. MC could address that. Otherwise, eventually, one or both of you will say something that cannot be taken back...even if you want to.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Why do you each try one upping each other? She goes in hard, you have to go in harder...

Telling you to fight fair isn't going to help if you aren't willing to think twice as much as you speak when you get impatient or angry with your wife. You have to be more conscientious of what you say, and when you're about to bubble over. Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can NOT respond to your wife when she says something nasty and over the top?? If not, then separating for a while may just be the ticket. You two need to learn how to not push one another's buttons. One of you has to take the first step in communicating better, and since you can't control HER, it is on you.

Try being the example that you want to see.


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## Not Right (Dec 18, 2013)

I am about to leave work, she is working late tonight, but she tried reaching out to me again and said she wants to talk. 

One thing I will admit that while we are both stubborn I know I can come off harsh more so than she does. There have been times when I've overreacted and she kept it cool and let me vent without escalating it. In that respect she is the better person, sometimes I have difficulty doing that and most times I like to have the last word (I am getting better at that). 

Last night it was definitely my turn to back down after she got angry especially since I instigated. I failed on that end and unfortunately the end result was disgusting.

I am not raging anymore, time definitely lets me cool off, I feel ashamed more than anything. I love this woman, I've been with her for 12 years and there is no one else I'd rather be with despite our imperfections.

Thanks for the last two posts! I will update this once we talk.


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

AgentD said:


> You both are toxic to one and another, and what you both are doing is not what love and a healthy relationship is about. Its best to call is quits now.


My husband of four years and I used to fight like that for about three years off and on, but we made a promise to each other that there would be no more name calling. You can get through it but you both have to work hard at it. Some personalities are just prone to irritate each other. But yes, it is not at all healthy and very damaging to the relationship.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

Quit the stubborness - it does not pay off in the end. You need to be the one to mature first and dial it back when things are getting heated. Don't fight over little sh*t only pick your battles over very important issues. Maintain your composure. If you guys continue down this road it will not end well. Regards JCD.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

We have 3 personality types....passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive.....we can be a combination of these personalities. You or your wife may be generally passive and will take a great deal but then when finally pushed to a point of boiling the aggressive side come to the surface and when this part comes to the surface is when you see the vulgarities and the hateful comments. Some of us hold out on the aggressive and become passive-aggressive instead and the actions come out later in some vindictive way basically to get even for the hurt inflicted.

The approach should be to be assertive to express your needs, your hurts, your desires rather than passive when you let a person's needs come before yours and you allow for actions that go against your beliefs as eventually the aggressive side come to the surface, we can only endure so much and neither the passive or aggressive is good in resolving issues. Passive-aggressive never good even though we think we are holding our tongues for a good reason, if we hold the hurt and then seek revenge also not good. Only answer then is assertive behavior. That does not mean controlling. That means being direct. There's lots of books written on the topic if you are interested.

If you would each look back to your childhoods you will probably be able to connect your feelings and your reaction today to those in the past. Until we learn to change our own behavior and deal with our emotions we continue the child-like volley that can be so detrimental to marriage.

If one of you senses the hurricane starting, one of you should say, "I think we need to take some time to ourselves and think what it is we want to say to each other and what we are feeling and talk when we can speak in a calm manner." Nothing productive comes from the hurtful comments tossed back and forth.

If you find yourself in the middle of it, someone needs to be the strong one and say, "Let's not do this" and refuse to participate even if that means letting the other person rant. You cannot control that person, what they say or how they feel. What you (meaning both of you) can do is draw boundaries for yourselves. If someone starts the yelling match the other person does not have to participate but be careful not to throw fire on the situation by walking away without saying a word, it will only make it worse.....I am not saying to take it. I am saying you draw that boundary line, detach in your head, realize this person is venting in a destructive manner and this is their issue. You then tell them that you'd like to come back later and speak when they can talk in a calm manner and let that person know you are going to leave the room and then do it. It is not easy, it does not come naturally at first but give it practice.....practice it in your head if need-be.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Not Right said:


> So what is the solution?
> 
> What is the issue? Is it that we take our fights to far? Is it that no one backs down?
> 
> ...


The issue is that you both make "self" more important than your relationship together. 

The solution is to do the opposite. When you recognize those tense feelings in your muscles or that vein that pops out on her forehead, or whatever signals that the fight is on, you STOP and ask yourself, "How would I react if this relationship was more important than getting my way?"

Be warned, however: This will not work if BOTH partners can't make the relationship the #1 priority - at least most of the time. If just one person gives and the other simply takes, the relationship will collapse just as easily as a relationship with abuse will. Maybe not immediately, but at some point the giving partner will check out of the relationship.


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