# Stress from In-Laws - How to Avoid it Stressing my Marriage



## clar (Sep 13, 2012)

Ok if anyone has any advice for me - please share!

I am happily married to the love of my life. He is a military man who is kind, honest, hard-working.. and I could go on to use every positive adjective in the book but you get the idea of the picture I'm painting. We have only been married a few years, and like any still-fairly-newlywed-couple we have had a few quirks to work out as we moved from single life to married life but we have overcome all the obstacles to brighter days every time.

Now to the in-laws. My husband's childhood wasn't picture perfect and neither was most of ours, but it was harder than a lot of ours. His dad was a hard-working country man but a severe alcoholic and his mother was a four-time teenage pregnancy turned druggie. His mother said to him every day 'don't be like your father' which yes, as you can imagine had an impact on him because today he will say 'i don't want to be like my dad'. He is nothing like his father in the alcoholic sense mind you, but that is stuck in his head because of his mother. Aside from her doing this to him and not realizing the impact it could have on him long term, she never held down a job and if she did the money she earned wasn't spent on my husband or his older brother or sisters because it was spent on her drugs, she would go missing for days at a time just dropping my husband and his siblings off at their grandparents (his father's parents - God bless them for being there), and the worst in my opinion was that she eventually abandoned the family and left my husband to care for his siblings when he was in high school because she decided to run off with another guy..and I could go on but again you get the idea of the picture I am painting. 

His mother acts as though she has never done anything wrong to my husband. She acts as though her life was hard but all of her decisions were fine because they suited her needs, and we should continue that pattern and cater to her in her every wish immediately when she calls and asks for something which by the way is the only time she calls (she even called and asked us to reimburse her for her travel expenses to come to our wedding! don't even get me started on that), and if she does try to make any sort of conversation she pries and is negative about what she hears. She constantly criticizes me in that "I'm not specifically saying that you're wrong, I'm just making my point" attitude for things. Most recently she criticized me for taking time off work to have my husband and I's first child in which case she told me that 'times are tough and you should take that stress off of my son and get back to work'.

The problem I am having is not that I haven't accepted this because I have, thanks to my husband and I's 'the past is the past so let's learn from it, move on, and make our lives better from here on out' attitude.

The real issue is that she is negative and critical in every conversation she has with my husband, now.

The worst part is not that she criticizes me, because ultimately I can handle it by letting it go eventually.. The worst part is that she is negative toward my husband. As I said he is a military man and has been ever since graduating high school. My husband thought that his last deployment was, in fact, his last. However, he had an option to go again with his brigade but in a different role/position. He accepted the offer. Now I fully support his decision because although it may be difficult and scary for me, it is his decision and he is doing it for his country, his men, his family, and himself. His mother, once he informed her did not say "I'm proud of you", "Be careful" or anything you might think would be a rational statement. She said "What?! Why did you agree to go?!". He said that he knew that would be her reaction, but I simply cannot dismiss that as quickly as the rest of her shenanigans..and oh yes there's more..but again you see the picture I am painting.

What? Why? How?

I want her to stop calling only when she wants something.
I want her to stop being negative toward my husband.

I try to let everything go as it comes up, because that is what my husband does and we try not to let outside drama influence our lives. I want to continue to be supportive and keep this mindset going for my husband, but sometimes I want to scream it frustrates me so much.

How do I get this problem situated with her while not making things more difficult for my husband?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

clar said:


> I want her to stop calling only when she wants something.
> I want her to stop being negative toward my husband.


Based on the story you painted it's unlikely you will ever get your IL's change. Your only option is to learn how to set boundaries. The best book on this is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

I predict no matter what you do you will never stop your MIL from only calling unless she wants something. Just accept it and go from there. She can want something all she wants - doesn't mean you have to answer the phone or agree to anything.

On how she treats your husband? Only HE can set that boundary. You can't enforce your husbands boundary and he might not even want to.


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## clar (Sep 13, 2012)

On how she treats your husband? Only HE can set that boundary. You can't enforce your husbands boundary and he might not even want to.[/QUOTE]

I understand - but I see that it hurts him after each conversation. This is what bothers me. How do I deal with this?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let's go over some basic principles which I believe govern problems like this. 

1. You can rarely change someone. People can't even change themselves most of the time and over that they would seemingly have complete control. So put the idea of changing her to the side. 

2. Don't let other people's actions or feelings, particularly those you do not respect, dictate your happiness. Recognize she is dysfunctional. 

3. Be respectful, pleasant and courteous, if for nothing else the same of your spouse. 

4. if money is the issue, try to work on a modest budget to help her. 

5. Offer sympathy to your husband but don't you try to dictate his relationship or create scenarios based on the notion she will change. 
5.


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## Jasonsquires (Feb 27, 2014)

Hi Clar,

What Mavash said pretty much hits the nail on the head. I'll second the Cloud and Townsend recommendation and add that if/when you set those boundaries in place, you can expect a spike in the negative behavior until it becomes extinct. So if you're mother in law starts becoming hostile or lashing out even more after you start sticking to your guns, you can know you're on the right path. 

Read Boundaries, apply the principles and I truly hope you find a healthy middle ground with your in laws. I can testify to how difficult family matters can be and can also testify to the absolute power of setting and sticking to your boundaries. 

Just remember, if you've said it once, you've said it enough. 

And please thank your husband for his service.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

OP the only way I've managed to deal with my crazy toxic user in-laws was to stop communicating with them altogether. I stay away from them completely. DH encouraged this bc of how abusive they were toward me. He barely sees them anymore either bc they just use him. They only want him around to do things for them and to give them money. 

Sometimes with toxic people the best course of action is to minimize contact. They aren't changing ever so it's best to stop hoping for it.


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