# More



## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

My wife and i have been married for 16 years (3 kids) and over the past 6 months, we have be arguing non-stop. Most of our arguments for me is the fact that she is not around the family as much as I would like. She feels very strongly about volunteering (mainly with youth sports) and running athletic programs. I am all for her doing this for youths sports, HOWEVER things are not right at home. I want her to put all things on the shelf (temporarily) and prioritize our marriage. 

She feels I am being unrealistic and mean to her. I tell her its hard to be nice when she is never home and we never talk. Actually I am hoping she realizes and hits rock bottom and realizes the family is falling apart.

I have approached her about my feeling and every time it has been met with me trying to control her and limit her interactions with friends (most of which are male). She has always had more male friends than female. The outcome of every discussion is that I don't trust her. ITS NOT THE FACT THAT I DON'T TRUST HER. Its the fact that I want to feel important (which I don't) to her.

These arguments have driven us apart to the point where we don't tell each other anything. Right now we only communicate for the childrens sake.

Am I stupid for feeling this way?


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## themodman (Jul 8, 2010)

Your wife will never come back to you if you chase, beg, and feel sorry for yourself. Stop acting like a wuss and take charge like a man. Smothering her to get her back will not work. Sometimes people need to be apart in order to realize what they have lost. I suggest you leave her for at least one month... do not call her at all except when you have to pick up the kids. If she calls you, act like everything is great... keeping it short! Answer the question and get off the phone. Hit the gym. Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Go out with friends. Once some time passes, she will realize she may lose you for good. She will miss talking to you. She will miss having you around. When she does see you a month later, you will look better than you have for years. She may even see you with a hot looking women friend. She will fight to get you back... You will be important!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Am I stupid for feeling this way?

I often used to ask people if I should feel like I do about a particular situation with my wife. Not surprisingly I got quite a few different answers. I learnt to own my own feelings. They are mine, nobody else’s. If they seem weird to others, that’s their problem not mine.

You know you want to feel important to your wife, that you make a positive contribution to her way of life. Nothing at all unusual about that. Maybe list the specific things you do that enable your wife to live the way she is living. A list of your contributions to her lifestyle.

Perhaps give her the list and tell her you are pleased for her that she’s having such a wonderful lifestyle. But yours isn’t so great. I wouldn’t threaten to take the things you do away. If the list is a good one and your wife is reasonably wise it will get her thinking. Maybe the wake up call it sounds she needs.

Bob


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

themodman said:


> Your wife will never come back to you if you chase, beg, and feel sorry for yourself. Stop acting like a wuss and take charge like a man. Smothering her to get her back will not work. Sometimes people need to be apart in order to realize what they have lost. I suggest you leave her for at least one month... do not call her at all except when you have to pick up the kids. If she calls you, act like everything is great... keeping it short! Answer the question and get off the phone. Hit the gym. Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Go out with friends. Once some time passes, she will realize she may lose you for good. She will miss talking to you. She will miss having you around. When she does see you a month later, you will look better than you have for years. She may even see you with a hot looking women friend. She will fight to get you back... You will be important!



I did not take it to the point of leaving her, however I did try to pull back and not make everyday life as easy for her. For example, she needed to go on a trip (by herself) to meet one of our children for an activiity (I had to work). The drive was roughly 2/3 hours. In the past, I would have made sure she knew where she was going, printed directions, made sure the GPS was setup. Well, this time I did not. Typically, the person leaving will make sure to call and let the other know they made it safe and everything is okay. In this particuliar example, she left late at night and did not get in until 1am. Well, I got no call. As a result, I was mean and don't care. I did not care enough to make sure she had everything she needed. She also threw out the fact that I did not care enough to call and make sure she arrived. Now, this is a very appreviated example, however I am hoping you get the point.

Anyway, pulling back was my attempt to make her realize. This has back fired and now all I hear is I don't care. 

Keep in mind, there are kids involved and they need to be priority #1.


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> I can't imagine why when you care so much for the marriage that you resort to mean and petty behavior to maker her realize how good she has it with you that it doesn't work.
> 
> makes her wonder what's gotten into her head. like maybe after driving for two or three hours, all she did was stew on the fact that her normally nice husband was obviously trying to punish her by not helping with the gps so that when she got to her desitingation she figured he could go call himself.... so to speak.
> 
> ...


Though it is difficult to hear, I appreciate your advise. Reading the threads, I don't think I am setting up the situation fairly (sorry). 

Right now I am feeling like the only one in the relationship that wants to fight to make it better. I fully understand I have made mistakes and if I had the choice to go back, I would handle the situation differently. I can't.

I am looking for the smallest of signs she wants to keep the marriage moving forward. I believe I have tried telling her this, however after reading some of the threads on here, maybe the way I told her was not affective. I will take what I have learned home.

She feels we have tried and tried and we keep getting back to where we are now. One step forward and two steps back. My opinion is we keep trying until something works no matter how long or many times. I just I feel like it takes 2 and right now there is only 1.

I did not say or mean to imply I purposely wanted her to fail or hit rock bottom. I am sorry it came out that way. I just want her to realize (like me) our marriage is wonderful and worth fighting for.

Right now I feel like I am in a hole (as does she) and every discussion goes back to something that was said or done 1, 2 or 6 months ago.

Please keep the advise coming (not easy to hear, however needed). How do you get to a point where you leave some of the past behind. Things that happened in the last month or two are exaggerated and over analyized because we are not getting along. Am I wrong?


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> of course you feel like you're the only one trying, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
> 
> someone has to start the ball rolling. That's you.
> 
> ...


Again, thanks for the feedback.

Here is where I stuggle and maybe I am over simplifying the situation.

If I go home and my sink is leaking water, I have a problem. To fix that problem, I need to prioritize and do what is necessary to fix the situation and prevent further damage to floor, basement, etc.... So, I stop what I am doing and do what is necessary to fix the leak. 

I feel my marriage is leaking. I want her to prioritize and help fix the leak.

She puts her head down and appears to ignore the situation. I am sure she is dealing with it in her own way. 

I get very frustrated when day after day goes by and I see no signs of effort on her side.

Make sense?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Mr. Noone, I don't know how many times HB has to tell you to stop expecting your wife, stop trying to interpret her behaviors, and stop reacting to her. How many times does he have to tell you to work on YOU before you get the message? He is not talking about your wife. He is talking about you.

And please don't take themodman's advice to leave. Based on what you have told us, I get a pretty good picture of the husband you have been and if you were my husband, I would find no reason to want you back and probably be pretty happy that you left. So I don't suggest that tactic for saving your marriage.

I do suggest, like HB, that you work on yourself as a husband and father. I think your behavior has been childish, controlling, and counterproductive. I know you came here to complain about your wife, but again as HB states, you are as much the problem (if not more) as your wife. But, you are the only one here posting on this board, and you are the only one you can fix.

He suggested a book by Hendrix, and here is an excellent one you can order online.


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Mr. Noone, I don't know how many times HB has to tell you to stop expecting your wife, stop trying to interpret her behaviors, and stop reacting to her. How many times does he have to tell you to work on YOU before you get the message? He is not talking about your wife. He is talking about you.
> 
> And please don't take themodman's advice to leave. Based on what you have told us, I get a pretty good picture of the husband you have been and if you were my husband, I would find no reason to want you back and probably be pretty happy that you left. So I don't suggest that tactic for saving your marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback and if you think the reason I started this conversation was to complain about my wife you are sorely mistaken. I love my wife. This is why I am search the web (sites like this) seeking ways to make my situation better.

You have no idea the husband I am, more inless the father.

I have a very tight and close relationship with all 3 of my wonderful kids. 

Again, thanks for your insight.


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> your sink has a problem, it leaks. you don't feel the need for your sink prioritize and help you, you don't expect it, you just go about fixiing it. maybe it's the washer, maybe it's a broken pipe. you'll examine it and fix it, and if it still leaks maybe you'll replace it, but only after you've done everything in your power to fix it.
> 
> that's pretty much the way it's done in relationships. you fix the things you can in yourself and if the situation doesn't improve you determine if you can live with the problem and if not you move on.
> 
> ...


HB - You make a lot of sense. 

I am looking for my wife to help me fix the leaks as well as me doing everything to make myself a better person for her.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

ummm I didn't say anything about the kind of father you are. You didn't post here about being a father or any complaint about your children. My opinion was based on what you stated, which is the kind of husband you are. Why bring fatherhood or children into this discussion? Don't be so defensive and misinterpret my words just because you dislike my opinion.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

noone said:


> I am all for her doing this for youths sports, HOWEVER things are not right at home. I want her to put all things on the shelf (temporarily) and prioritize our marriage.


What exactly do you mean by this?

She is not available for events that the two of you do? 

Are the youth sports activities strictly about her, aren't your kids involved?

And how does a person shelve previously made commitments to an organization?

Are you sure you trust her with these men?


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

michzz said:


> What exactly do you mean by this?
> 
> She is not available for events that the two of you do?
> 
> ...


Thanks Michzz....

I will attempt to answer you questions:

She in not available for events that you two do? She is so wrapped up in her voluntary activities that there is not much time for us to do things along. Our US time consists of going to our kids games/events.

Are the youth sports activities strictly about her, aren't your kids involved? - Our kids are involve in some, however not all. It is very difficult to explain without coming off like a bad guy. The best example I can give you right now is she always feels like she has to run the entire league. So, instead of coaching a team, she will be the director of the entire league. This requires a lot of time outside of coaching responsibilities.

And how does a person shelve previously made commitments to an organization? - I am not asking her to stop in mid season. I am just asking for her to re-evaluate how much time this requires. I know I sound selfish......

Are you sure you trust her with these men? - I would be floored/shocked if she had any interest in these guys. I think its just a case of her committing to something and wanting to do it the best as possible. The only way I am jealous is that they get her attention more than I.

Look - I know this does not paint me out to be a good husband. It's very difficult to explain without writing a book.

I want her to coach and run these leagues. She does an amazing job. She puts in a tremendous amount of time and expects nothing in return.

HOWEVER - I am usually the one at home taking care of the kids. I love it and would not change anything. Even when our kids are playing, she is typically coaching and not with the other parents on the sideline having adult discussions. It's usually me with all the other couples. 

Maybe I need to find an old hobby to occupy my time. I don't see how this gets me more alone time with the woman I love. 

While I appreciate all the feedback I have received on this site, I am feeling a little down/attacked for wanted my wife around more. I am taking this feedback and appreciate it very much.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Okay, I was harsh I know. Sorry about that. I don't want you to feel attacked. I'm hoping you will listen to HB's advice and do as he suggests. It's beginning to appear you want to complain but don't want to do anything to improve your circumstances. It seems like you came here expecting the board members to give you a magic potion to better control your wife and have her do as you say, so you don't want to do anything because no one gave you the abracadabra magic words. What HB is trying to tell you is you can improve your circumstances and have your wife do as you wish. But you have to be the one to take the initial steps. 

You cannot force her to do anything, and it's not a good idea for you to keep making matters worse simply because she will not do as you expect her to do. If you think about it, you will see that your method for handling the situation is not working. And worse than that, you keep being mean to your wife. That only pushes her away, makes her refuse to do as you ask, and makes her tired of coming home to a mean husband whom she feels does not care about her. See there. That is what you have successfully accomplished - making your wife feel you don't care. You said you do these mean things on purpose, but you don't realize that you are the one single-handedly destroying your marriage. If you don't believe me, spend a day reading these boards and see what happens when a person's spouse is mean to them. See what happens when a person lets their spouse believe they don't care about them.

You have received suggestions that will help you get your way and have your wife respond to you in favorable ways but just like you deliberately are mean to your wife and deliberately want to make her think you don't care about her, you are telling us that you will not do anything to improve your marriage because she won't do it first. So that means you are telling us the survival of your marriage means nothing to you because your wife won't do as you say. 

You can fix your problem all by yourself. All you have to do is make the effort. Or, you don't have to fix it. You can sit there and wait for your wife and keep being mean to her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

No,
- Prior to the last 6 months what were your interactions like? Did she seem happy to see you when she/you got home? Was your interaction "fun" for her? 
- What did you do together - just the two of you?
- What does SHE like to talk about? What do you like to talk about? 
- Did she feel "crowded" at home? Meaning were you already feeling neglected so you immediately have her your full attention when you/she walked in the door? Some people need a transition - could be 5 minutes - could be a half hour - when they/their spouse come home. 
- Were you always the one initiating hugs/touch or did you let her come to you? 
- Have you simply asked her "do you look forward to spending time with me? Do you enjoy spending time with me?" I get that you are fighting recently - but BEFORE that? 
- How is the physical/sexual part of your marriage? How was it before? Is this really a "talking" issue or a "sex" issue or some of both? 
- Is she "fit"? Does she like playing sports? Are you fit, do you like playing sports? Have you ever asked her to play tennis/etc?
- Is she a SAHM or a working Mom? 
- Do you think she is doing all this volunteer stuff because she gets a "rush" from being important/in charge or because she does NOT want to be home/with you and/or the kids? 
- Are the kids well behaved/generally nice to be around or have one or more entered the tween/teen stage of being a bit more independent/difficult?

I am not assigning blame, simply trying to understand what is happening.

How many hours a week does she spend with you "one on one"? 

Is she in general pulling her weight in the marriage overall - for the moment ignore how much time she spends with you - I get that that is a problem. But other than that? 

Ultimately she has to "want" to be home, and I think you are going to have to soul search and ask her some direct questions to find out what needs to change for that to happen. I can tell you for sure though that even if you are totally right - even if she is spending almost no time with you - being angry and coming across as needy/controlling is going to make this worse. 

If her schedule is putting unfair burden on you - you CAN press for her to pull her weight at home so YOU can go to the gym more, join a club/team etc. What you likely won't be able to do is demand she cut back specifically to spend more time with you. I know that seems unfair, but ultimately that is how this stuff works. 

The books that Hunt recommends say all this and more and they say it far better than I have. So if any of this makes sense to you go buy/read one of those books. 

You can also "nicely" tell your wife that YOU want to work on YOU, and in that spirit would like her to fill out a love busters questionnaire to give you some specific areas to work on. 

I know you feel lonely and rejected - and that sucks. And in truth she might be at fault here BUT the only way to fix the marriage is to improve YOU to the point where she WANTS to address your issues and make you happy. That won't happen overnight so make your plan and expect to spend a good 6 months before much changes. 

You also have to realize that even if you choose to join a basketball league - she may ask that the two of you utilize a baby sitter so you can do your thing while she continues her high level of volunteering. Ultimately what I am saying is you cannot "directly" control someone you can simply be a good enough partner that they WANT to keep you happy. 



noone said:


> My wife and i have been married for 16 years (3 kids) and over the past 6 months, we have be arguing non-stop. Most of our arguments for me is the fact that she is not around the family as much as I would like. She feels very strongly about volunteering (mainly with youth sports) and running athletic programs. I am all for her doing this for youths sports, HOWEVER things are not right at home. I want her to put all things on the shelf (temporarily) and prioritize our marriage.
> 
> She feels I am being unrealistic and mean to her. I tell her its hard to be nice when she is never home and we never talk. Actually I am hoping she realizes and hits rock bottom and realizes the family is falling apart.
> 
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hey Noone,
Everyone has needs and wants from their marriage. The “set” of these things vary from person to person and a lot of times depend on what we’re already getting or not getting.

You’re saying what you need is just one thing you’re not getting and that’s alone time with your wife.

Well done for working around your schedule, well done for taking caring of things in such a way that your wife can leave you and the children alone so that she can go and live the life that she wants. You sound like a very unselfish guy.

I hope you find a way of getting more alone time with your wife. Maybe if you do restart an old hobby, one that you too need to be away from home such that your wife must stay there and take care of things then she will see just what it’s like when you tell her you’re going out.

Bob


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Hey Noone,
> Everyone has needs and wants from their marriage. The “set” of these things vary from person to person and a lot of times depend on what we’re already getting or not getting.
> 
> You’re saying what you need is just one thing you’re not getting and that’s alone time with your wife.
> ...



Bob - Thanks for the KIND words. 

I have already started looking into several things on my side (golf league, gym, etc). 

Within the past year I have started a new job and hoping I can hook up with some people at work for drinks every once in awhile (most of which are married and want to be home with their spouse).

I know I am going to get blasted for this, however it helps me to type the words.

I know I am to blame for some or most of the issues. I know I have to do things on my own to improve my situation. I get it.

HOWEVER - I always thought marriage was a two-way street. I can do everything to improve me and be happy and positive and if she doesn't join in, how did that help the marriage? 

I feel like some posters on here don't believe in talking it out with my wife. Its all, "I need to improve myself". I am not trying to be selfish. I am just trying to explain my THOUGHTS. I am sure if my wife posted, she too would express some of the same issues. Does that make her selfish?

We have been married for 16 years and are high school sweethearts. I am sure this behavior is not something I can pin point to one event and something that has been developing for many years (guessing)? If this is the case, why didn't she tell me and if she did why didn't she work harder to make me see the light? Again, I know it sounds like I am blaming her. I really am not. I want to work and do everything I can NOW to make her see the light and value in our marriage.

To give you an example of our time together here is our week. Keep in mind, this is not a typical week, however I will explain.

This week she is running a sporting event that requires her to show up early to setup, stay there throughout the events and stay late to close up. She typically leaves the house at 4:00pm (before I get home from work) and gets in at 10:30pm or 11:00pm. This started Monday and will be everyday thru Sunday (starting early in the morning going all day). 

Now, some of these weekday nights she would leave the event and go get a bit to eat after. This means she would not get home until after midnight or later. During this time, we have probably seen each other a total of 4 hours (two of which were my daughters game where she was coaching). Today she left at 7:00am and will run the tournament till 1:00pm. After she has volunteered to help the Special Olympics and will not be home till I don't know. Tomorrow is the last day of the tournament and she will be gone all day and most of the evening. Another point to point out is even if she is not at the tournament, people are texting and calling her for questions.

Now, this is where I get selfish (Sorry). Not one time has she asked for help so she could cut out early and spend some time with the family (meaning me). I get very few calls during the day and none are, "Hey honey how is your day and I miss you". They are all related to what the kids need or tyring to break up an argument between the kids. This is probably because we are arguing.

I tried to give her suggestions on how to make more time for her and all I get is "You don't understand how hard it is to run a tournament like this and how much time it takes". I tell her yes I do, because I am here taking care of things (which makes her upset and the cycle starts). 

IF THIS WAS ME RUNNING THE TOURNAMENT, I WOULD MAKE SURE I UNDERSTOOD THE TIME I WAS AWAY AND DO EVERYTHING IN MY SPARE TIME TO LET MY WIFE KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE HER.

I have come to the realization I can not make her want to be around me. This doesn't make it easy!! Right now I am struggling and really trying to find some things for me. 

Again, I understand how this will help, however the thing I really want is my wife back. What I want to do is go to the zoo with my wife and kids. Go shopping and buy her some clothes. Go to dinner and not be interrupted by outside interruptions (when they do happen I am told everytime I don't understand and am being selfish). Even when she does turn off her phone she is filled with resentment and makes sure I know it. Its almost like she is thinking, "ARE YOU HAPPY NOW".

After re-reading this post, I can't believe I am saying this about the woman I love. I want everyone to know she is a wonderful caring person and I love her very much!!!!!! Please don't think bad of her........

Thanks again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You’re a Man then. Ain’t no problem, apologies needed for being a Man!

I don’t know one Man who does not need Appreciation for what they do for their wives to feel not only Important to them but to feel Loved by them as well.

Sounds like you’re being taken for granted. I know that feeling, it is so very sad and can lead to depression if we’re not very careful with ourselves. Perhaps do things outside of your family that make you feel good, I think that’s important for you anyway. The “importance” bit I’m not sure of. To do things to feel important to people other than your wife? I think that would lead to just more “separation”, growing apart in your marriage.

Sounds to me like your wife needs a wake up call. Unfortunately with the things we take for granted in our life, we only know how beneficial they were to us when we no longer have them.

By taking up things you enjoy outside your family your wife will need to give you time to do them. Perhaps at that time or soon after she will begin to appreciate what you’ve been doing for her.

Bob


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

Rough Day

So, like I said in an earlier post, my wife ran a tournament this mornig and then volunteered for a Special Olympic event. I was very positive this morning and told us to have a good time.

Me and the kids kept ourselves busy. 

I have asked her several times about what time she would be home. She said she would find out and text me when she got there. 

Its now after 6pm and I have heard nothing.

While I am trying not to be angry, its not working. Inside I am fuming. I don't care that she is there, however am I asking too much for a little communication?

Seriously?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Buddy, no one said you were wrong. I don't even recall anyone but you saying you are selfish. Perhaps I just don't remember enough of this thread or something. I apologize if I gave you a different impression, but what I want is the same thing you want. You want your wife home more, and that's what I want for you. I simply tried to point out that the way you are going about getting what you want is not accomplishing the goal and is making matters worse. I then tried to suggest a way for you to go about getting what you want in a gentle and loving way. I by no means blamed you for the situation. Nor do I recall anyone else did either. But you prefer to be defensive and right. To point out that the solution begins with you, you take it as being attacked and blamed. Someone sides completely with you and suggest you find ways to occupy your time and do worse damage than you've already done, then you thank him and glad to have somebody on your side. But no one has been against you. Everyone has been on your side. If you weren't so defensive, you would see that. But you insist on being right. You insist on retaliating against your wife doing things your way. And now you insist on showing her how it feels. Hey, I was just hoping you would see the advantage of being loving, but do as you will. Your marriage, not mine.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

“Damage you have already done” my goodness. His wife seems to be having a wonderful life, he so obviously isn’t and it’s his fault? How long is his wife’s wonderful life going to be able to continue if she doesn’t put effort into their relationship and he withdraws what he does for her?

Some people simply cannot see the deep emotional affect their behaviour has on their partner. They don’t see it until it is way too late. Walk away husband, walk away wife. I guess if it was a husband staying out till 3 in the morning, not paying attention to his wife asking for more time together that would be a bad thing right?

Sometimes the only way a person wakes up to the downside of their behaviour is when they experience that very same behaviour targeted at themselves. Like when a child bites a sibling sometimes the only way to stop the biting is for the sibling to bite back. Just once is enough because they feel the pain of the bite and don’t want that again so they stop biting.

What on earth is the problem with the guy getting an interest outside of his family, it sounds like he needs one anyway. Very few people can get all they need in life from their partner and their children. If he does that his wife may just wake up to all the free time she’s been getting due to her husbands previous behaviour and my goodness who knows she may even appreciate it and therefore her husband when she’s lost some of it.

Bob


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

noone said:


> Thanks Michzz.....
> 
> While I appreciate all the feedback I have received on this site, I am feeling a little down/attacked for wanted my wife around more. I am taking this feedback and appreciate it very much.


That's how some contributors like to operate. Please remember the old adage about opinions.

So in terms of opinions, here is mine. I will try to break it down into less brow-beating terms:

1. Change your focus. You want more alone time with your wife that isn't happening. The choices she makes for herself - prevent or make this difficult.
So, you do need to dredge up that old hobby or activity. She makes no apologies for pursuing what is important to her, nor should she - this is behavior you should emulate, not out of jealousy or spite, but because it is something that fulfills you.

2. Take steps to address the issues without her - through your own behavior. This doesn't mean become a bigger doormat. Once again, the focus is your behavior, and how you choose to respond. As HB pointed out, tit for tat or score-keeping can only take you down one road - resentment and bitterness.
Let's face it, what you are currently doing isn't working, so don't continue doing it.

3. Take the steps to change your frame of reference and relationship dynamic and YOU will improve. This will lead you to one of two outcomes. Your spouse responds and engages in the process, and overall your marriage becomes more fulfilling for the both of you, or the alternative, as HB mentioned; "you replace the sink." 

You reach a point where you acknowledge that you have taken all of the steps that you can, or are willing to take - and your partner has _chosen_ not to engage in the process, or has clearly stated that her boundaries and goals are no longer in alignment with yours. It's time to move on. And you will be able to make that decision based upon having done the work on yourself instead of fretting that your partner has done nothing.

For your reference, making a very long story short - this is my case. So all of this 'stuff' isn't just words. Your circumstances are different, but I am very familiar with the story you are telling.


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## noone (Jul 9, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> *
> maybe this is just exactly what's happening in noone's life. he's pretty good at telling us how miserable he is, how much he loves his wife, and how horridly she treats him, but relationships are like coins, there are always two sides. I am sure that if she was posting she would attribute a litany of neglect, selfishness, and controlling behaviors to our pure friend noone.
> 
> My wife does not treat me horridly.*


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

AFEH said:


> “Damage you have already done” my goodness. His wife seems to be having a wonderful life, he so obviously isn’t and it’s his fault?
> 
> Sometimes the only way a person wakes up to the downside of their behaviour is when they experience that very same behaviour targeted at themselves.





Hunt Brown said:


> *maybe this is just exactly what's happening in noone's life. he's pretty good at telling us how miserable he is, how much he loves his wife, and how horridly she treats him, but relationships are like coins, there are always two sides. I am sure that if she was posting she would attribute a litany of neglect, selfishness, and controlling behaviors to our pure friend noone.*


*

Exactly! Not to mention that he confessed of it - being mean to her and retaliating to make her think he doesn't care about her - which is what I was referring. My goodness, Bob, how conveniently selective you are.*


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Exactly! Not to mention that he confessed of it - being mean to her and retaliating to make her think he doesn't care about her - which is what I was referring. My goodness, Bob, how conveniently selective you are.


Different eyes, different experiences, different values, different beliefs, different ways of doing things. Makes the world go round. Not much fun if we're all the same, not much help either.

Susan you and I are poles apart, can't see that we'll ever see eye to eye or be in tune with one another. We're totally different personalities, incompatible. Doesn't mean I'm right and you're wrong, you're good, I'm bad. We are though exceptionally different people.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I haven't answered any of your post Hunt simply because I don't agree with you. When you posted a response to something I'd said about my situation you were millions of miles off base. I see no reason whatsoever to defend myself and I choose when and if I cross swords with people. No point with you, because you just got it so very wrong. So wrong no way could you be "enlightened".



Hunt Brown said:


> *Sometimes the only way a person wakes up to the downside of their behaviour is when they experience that very same behaviour targeted at themselves.*
> 
> maybe this is just exactly what's happening in noone's life. he's pretty good at telling us how miserable he is, how much he loves his wife, and how horridly she treats him, but relationships are like coins, there are always two sides. I am sure that if she was posting she would attribute a litany of neglect, selfishness, and controlling behaviors to our pure friend noone.
> 
> ...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think the OP needs to start doing for himself, as others have suggested. However, i also think that a realistic dividing of domestic chores and time with the kids has to be set.

Do a time evaluation of both of your commitments, "free" time, etc.

I am sure you will find that your wife's outside commitments and free time far outstrip yours.

So you put your foot down. And claim a reasonable amount of time for yourself. And start using it.

Make her responsible for the childcare duties during "your" time. even if it means she has to arrange for a sitter.

And you go, do anything, nothing, but make yourself unavailable. Go to the library, the beach, anything.

If she goes on the offensive about it, touting her very important commitments--too bad. You need "you" time and ego gratification a much as she does. 

She can't tell you that she would be the only person in those things that has to deal with family commitments in tandem with these oh so very important things.

If you must, give her some lead time for when this is to start. Like a week.

I already know how she will respond. With fury and defensiveness. See, she will defend her "right" to her time and commitments. All of them but to you and your children.

Stick to your guns. Claim your rightful life.

Some would say that your children will suffer by this "war". In the short term, maybe. In the long term, no.

Why? Because you will find out how far she will take this. Either she will scale back and return to the fold, or she will spin further away.

Someone reasonable will see they are effing things up with their distance and saddling the other with all responsibilities at home.

an unreasonable person will not see it and ratchet up their detachment.

It is important for you to have a plan for either case.


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