# Breakdown Last Night



## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

I haven't seen or talked to my wife for coming up on three weeks. Last time we spoke I told her to give me a call when she's ready to talk and that I was OK with the space we have now. I sent her a letter on Monday very concisly expressing that I loved her, that I recognized that it took work to make a marriage function and that I was commited to trying, was she?
I felt really good about the letter, that I was "forcing a conversation" as some people say needs to be done, but in a passive way. Giving her space and time to think about the question. I don't expect to get a reply until next week sometime, if ever (I'm realistic). But last night I got home from yoga (me doing yoga is a very bizaar thought! ) and a friend texted me letting me know that his wife just saw a picture of my wife on FB. Nothing dramatic, just her out to dinner with some friends. They forwarded me the picture and my wife just looked _sooo_ happy. Biggest smile, just radiant. You know?
I haven't looked at a picture of her since the last time we spoke three weeks ago, so seeing this just sent me into a emotional breakdown. All the progress I've made in steeling myself and building up my confidence just seemed to collapse. I was on the floor crying, pacing the house screaming. I even punched the wall and put a nice dent in it (stupid, I know). I just felt worthless again. Back to thinking that I had failed, even though it was her who gave up on everything. Never communicated her unhappiness (at least in a direct way) until the day she dropped the bomb.
Just felt the need to vent.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why did your friend do that? 

I'm sorry you're in pain.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

He was just being a friend. He asked if I wanted to see it, I said I did. Mostly to see who she was with. Curiosity killed the cat, right?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

yea.

But people deal with things differently. She's out with friends because maybe she cannot be alone in her thoughts.

And every woman will smile for the camera. Well MOST.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Its possible. She was never the most social person, so maybe she's just trying to get out so she's not thinking about what she did. All speculation.
Waiting is the hardest part. I feel like I'm in Jr. High again playing the "Should I call her? Shouldn't I? I wonder if she likes me!?!"Rediculous.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Another casualty of a walkaway spouse. 

Walkaways are worse in some ways than cheaters are because they can and never will be able to tell you why they dumped you like garbage. At least with a cheater you know the reason. 

Just ask Canguy and Proudwidaddy. Both of them are wandering lost, confused and betrayed, and will never have the answers they seek because their WAWs are cowards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Another casualty of a walkaway spouse.
> 
> Walkaways are worse in some ways than cheaters are because they can and never will be able to tell you why they dumped you like garbage. At least with a cheater you know the reason.
> 
> ...


Yup. Totally there. We'll see if she's a total coward or not soon. I figure if she doesn't reply to the letter by next week, I'll be calling her. Try to get her to the table at least.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

I saw the same thing about my STBXH on Facebook. Happy to be deployed and meeting former coworkers. I, just like you, tried to engage in communication, but... He "can't be there for me anymore," "does not have the emotional capability to be my husband anymore," etc. 

Don't torture yourself. And yes, we put our best images on Facebook. Don't let that fool you.

Take care of yourself and do what keeps you sane.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Walkaways are worse in some ways than cheaters are because they can and never will be able to tell you why they dumped you like garbage. At least with a cheater you know the reason.


Sorta true... I classify my W as both a WAW and a cheater, since her affairs were pretty much a series of flings and as far as I can tell and what she told me she just wanted to leave to pursue the single life and have many more flings. I can confirm that the rejection of her leaving is worse than the pain of her cheating, or it is for me atleast.

It is one thing if she wanted to be with someone else, it is worse that there is no one in particular and it is completely devastating that she left to go be with no one in particular INSTEAD if you, rather than "as well as" you - at least with a cake eater they just want more, with a WAW they want something ELSE that is completely incompatible.

I was even so desparate at the time that I even put open marriage on the table - she said she didn't want that because couldn't handle being with a man that was getting some on the side (holy F'n hypocrisy, those were the exact type of guys she was going for anyway). I was even considering cuckholdry, but it was clear to me that her supposed "sex addiction" wasn't the problem its that she was completely and totally repulsed by me. There was no saving the marriage by busting up the affair because her AP were invincible (If I eliminated one she would just go get another in his place).

Earlier this week I was having a bit of emotional breakdown, more than I've had for quite awhile, and I think the fact that for the first time since I unfriended her on FB I got a peek at her public profile. I really don't want to see her life it does no good.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my H said two weeks ago that he didn't want to go out drinking and taking drugs with his friends today (because it's our anniversary)

Where is he tonight? out drinking and taking drugs with his friends

I agree that it almost hurts more that there isn't another woman he's left me for - he's left because he just doesn't want me, the rejection is so painful


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

What Bandit said. I feel your pain, SRN. I'm still sorting through my pain, analyzing too much and trying to make sense of what happened. In a nutshell, my ex was not happy and that was evident for years. Eventually, I felt alone in a relationship. I loved her very much, but did not feel her love, that she had my back, or that the relationship was meant to last. 

Despite knowing this is probably for the best, it still hurts. I've been separated for just over three months and there are still roller coaster rides. Not as extreme, but they are still there.

Like you, I see my ex being so happy in her new life. Makes me feel so damn rejected and questioning my self-worth, self-esteem despite knowing better. I know my ex was very career-focused, and when our MC asked her where she saw herself in 5 years, her response was single and all career. So, I'm wondering how much of the failure of the marriage was my fault, and how much was just due to an inevitable breakup.

My roughest time right now has been rebooting my social life. I've always been happy with a handful a very good friends. I've never been all that social, while my ex was very social. Now that we're separated, I feel lonely but know so many people are there for me. I am very fortunate that way. It's up to me to socialize more, and also to stop working form home so I can be around people. I'm starting that next week, and that will help.

SRN, know you're not alone through this. It's a hell of a ride, but we will get through it.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Here's the thing, by telling her to call you when she's ready you were asking her think about you differently and miss you enough to want to hear from you sooner. "Whenever you're ready" could mean "never" if you keep trying to "force conversations" and that person hasn't had long enough to miss you. Her expectation of you has to change on her own terms and nothing you can do except give her the space she needs will make her miss you.

The letter was a mistake plain and simple. While it makes you feel good to show her you care, she already knows this, and by bringing up that it takes two to save a marriage and asking if she is still committed you are trying to pressure her return to the marriage. This will only make her want to retreat from you even more because you aren't accepting her feelings, you're trying to change her mind. If you love her you will give her some breathing room and that means no calls next week to investigate what she thinks of your letter. 

The only thing you can do at this point is give her space and accept that your marriage as you knew it is over. You have the opportunity to reconcile your problems but only if you take this gift of space and use it wisely. The first thing I would work on is your obsessive nature to control this situation. There's nothing you can do that will change her mind about you instantly. If you want her to want to talk to you then you will have to let the dust settle for a few months and let her know you are not interested in chasing her anymore. You are a grown man and will live a happy life with or without her. All this chasing her is telling her you don't accept what she wants and will not be open to anything but reconciliation. Give her time and focus on bebuilding your lost friendship first.

The only reason why you're so upset from what your friend told you is because you had these big expectations to see your wife just as miserable as you to help you feel better. You can bet she will miss you at times and have her down moments thinking back and being reminded of you but those moments won't be all the time. Odd are very likely she has her friends as a support network when she is feeling low just like you should have.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> The letter was a mistake plain and simple. While it makes you feel good to show her you care, she already knows this, and by bringing up that it takes two to save a marriage and asking if she is still committed you are trying to pressure her return to the marriage. This will only make her want to retreat from you even more because you aren't accepting her feelings, you're trying to change her mind. If you love her you will give her some breathing room and that means no calls next week to investigate what she thinks of your letter.


Spot on advice right there. I'll add one more reason not to do what you did with the letter. It's weak and unattractive whereas "distant, independent and mysterious" is quite attractive. Perhaps your best case scenario was coming true, and she was actually thinking about you, and starting to wonder what you were up to, were you missing her, were you spending time with your friends or perhaps another woman, maybe you were emotionally gearing up to move on and she was having doubts? Then she gets your letter and she thinks "that sap is still waiting for me!". Weak, unattractive, miserable, needy and clingy does not sell and you definitely want this woman to buy. 

It's rather telling that you feel so good about writing the letter in the first place:



SRN said:


> I felt really good about the letter, that I was "forcing a conversation" as some people say needs to be done, but in a passive way.


Dude you told her you'd give her space and she can contact you when she's ready. Then you turn into a hyocrite by contacting her before she was ready. You admit you are attempting to "force her to contact you, yet in a passive way" as if you're somehow defending your actions (by saying you are being passive) that deep down you know are inappropriate.



SRN said:


> Last time we spoke I told her to give me a call when she's ready to talk and that I was OK with the space we have now.


Even worse, you're already planning to contact her again!



SRN said:


> I figure if she doesn't reply to the letter by next week, I'll be calling her. Try to get her to the table at least.


Give it a rest. Don't contact her. EVER AGAIN.

If she doesn't reach out, in say a few months tops, file the divorce papers and let your attorney contact her. There is absolutely nothing you can do at this point to bring her back and anything you do will drive her further away. 

If you're thinking "well filing for divorce will drive her away for good!", then you couldn't be more wrong.

If she wants back, she knows where to find you and if she had the slightest inkling to do that, the divorce filing would rattle her chains enough to get her running back.. but odds are it's just going to be a necessary step because this thing appears to be over and done.

I think the picture of her smiling and having fun is a good thing, it just might rattle YOUR chains enough to shake down your wall of denial and prevent you from calling her or sending more sappy messages.


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## dalvin_au (Mar 19, 2012)

Be strong, pick yourself up.
Look yourself in the mirror, and re-load yourself.

BE STRONG!


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

I tried to contact my STBXH NUMEROUS times, tried to call, tried to get him to call me back... not to get back together, but to work out the division of property. Maybe he took it the wrong way? Maybe he saw me as needy and trying to get back together?

I wanted to know what his thoughts were on the division of property to ease the transition, and honestly, to work things out between us and reach "amicable" consensus. I am more than willing to work things out (meaning, splitting). However, I got no response. Even when I get down to business in an email, he blows me off.

Rather than breakdowns, I'm starting to think more in the lines of "what the **** happened?" How did I end up in this situation? Was I really that bad to live with? 

Today was the first day, for at least half a day, that I didn't mind being alone.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yellow, 
More than likely he did see your efforts as needy as he is working hard to distance himself and doesn't want to be reminded of the consequences in divorce. I assume he is the WAH in this scenario? If he's living in the fog of greener pastures then chances are divorce talk knocks hims down earth and is quite painful when he is faced with responsibility. 

This is one of those times where an attorney comes in handy but if that's not your thing the only choice you have is go with mediation and then court. And if that happens you're better off agreeing to everything in mediation because we all know court can make an good fight turn ugly. 

I would just suggest for now you stop calling as anything related to pressing matters of court could be seen as an attempt to force contact with you. The ball is now in his court and he knows he can't escape whats to come to relax and do nothing while he thinks this over. Chances are you'll either get a deffensive or apathetic responce sometime in the next few weeks. Really hon, if what he says doesn't require immediate response then don't return his contact. He'll respect you more for not chasing him when he's pulling away.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Yellow,
> More than likely he did see your efforts as needy as he is working hard to distance himself and doesn't want to be reminded of the consequences in divorce. I assume he is the WAH in this scenario? If he's living in the fog of greener pastures then chances are divorce talk knocks hims down earth and is quite painful when he is faced with responsibility.
> 
> This is one of those times where an attorney comes in handy but if that's not your thing the only choice you have is go with mediation and then court. And if that happens you're better off agreeing to everything in mediation because we all know court can make an good fight turn ugly.
> ...


The only solution I really see is hiring an attorney and communicate via legal documents. The dissolution of marriage is the only option, and it has to happen. I've given him plenty of opportunities to let me know his thoughts on marital property, but he doesn't define himself. It's time to move on.


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## ScarlettGrace (Mar 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Another casualty of a walkaway spouse.
> 
> Walkaways are worse in some ways than cheaters are because they can and never will be able to tell you why they dumped you like garbage. At least with a cheater you know the reason.
> 
> ...


Hi fellow genius! 

Sometimes you fellows won't listen although we (girlies) tell you over and over and over and over and over and over and over (to infinity and beyond!) what to do and why we are unhappy. Then FINALLY we leave. Just like that. And we don't think you deserve anymore explanation. 

Relationships don't add up. . .It takes two to marry and only one to leave. .


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ScarlettGrace said:


> Hi fellow genius!
> 
> Sometimes you fellows won't listen although we (girlies) tell you over and over and over and over and over and over and over (to infinity and beyond!) what to do and why we are unhappy. Then FINALLY we leave. Just like that. And we don't think you deserve anymore explanation.
> 
> Relationships don't add up. . .It takes two to marry and only one to leave. .


But what if all the things your wife is telling you are lies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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