# International Marriage. Wife cheated on me and wants to kick me out. Help.......



## dachshund (Feb 6, 2012)

Hello, My friends, and my Life savers!
I've been reading and getting some ideas from this website, but let me share mine since it's rare.

First of all, this is really long story. And I do feel sorry about my poor english.
I do hope this helps you to imagine where I am.
I'd like to know where to go, and deserve opinions I have about this.

We might be heading to divorce as she wants.
I'm 26years old man from Korea and spent 7years in Japan until I moved to states 2 months ago.
My wife is 22years old American (Caucasian).
Long story.. I don't know where to begin about this actually.
It's been a month my wife told me that she doesn't love me and wants to divorce.
Still in deep pain that I can't even explain in any kind of languages I know.
It also involves my whole life pattern, and there is nothing much I can do in my situation right now.

We started dating from in Feb 2007, I was 21, and she was 17.
We met through internet, from one of my friend after a month I broke up with my ex gf.
She took such a good care of me, and I knew that we could get close.
We usually talked on a phone 4-5hours per day, and over 100 of texts.
It wasn't very nice to way to say on messanger, 
But I asked her that if she chould be my gf, and that was the start of our story.
She came over to meet me in that summer, and we were so sure that we can make this work out 
even though we have to deal with Long distance relationship. 
I was her first man who had ever slept with her, and also can tell that her first serious relationship with.
Well, I think this was the one of the problem too, but let me tell you some more details.

So, We stayed together for 3 weeks in our first meeting, and after she left I got a job to make money,
help myself to go to america to see her.
But she just finished her high school, I know young girls. 
Maybe not 100% sure but they are listening to what their friends saying and that could make a little girl feels shaky.
Sounded like she did something bad, she got drunk with her friends because wasn't sure if I'm a right person.
Almost a guy touched her which doesn't really make sense unless she let him or didn't reject it.
Anyway that was what I heard but she felt sorry and told me nothing really happened.
Just that she realized that she needed to let him stop touching her.

I made my way to america to see her in fall, she came to see me in winter... 
She decided to come to Japan as a student for an year so we could stay together longer rather than just going and back.

2008 was pretty good. 
We had to live in my mom's and had some hard time because of the difference of culture, 
but we moved out to our own and everything worked out fine.
She goes to school, and I go to work. I even adjusted my schedules of work until 3pm so we can stay pretty much all the time except when we both doing for our own.
She never really had friends, but few. She knew my friends also one of them who introduced her to me, and Korean couple who were in almost same situation as ours.
So that I could tell that we both were too used to be each other, just living in the moment where only Me and Her.
After she finished her japanese class of an year, I went to america with her because It was hard to let go and I wanted to make easier flight for her.

Our first break-up came over after that right after I came back to japan from a month of visiting her house.
She said she'd love me forever and need space, confused, missing out something, wants me to have fun with something,
If I ever wants to be a citizen .. it's not fair that she doesn't even have experiences that I have, lost passion in her life which I never understood.
Just as I call it as "english + girls words". And I couldn't even find any sense of meaning until I searched english websites.
I was shocked. Well I guess it was little bit better than now but didn't know what to do, the feeling that I miss her and losing her was there in the same time.
Even started to ask myself that "If could've been better to her when she was here, she was here in whole different country just only for me".
But in a same time, I had some feelings that if she's seeing someone else. Didn't really have informations or something but guys, don't you get some feelings?
Yeah, the guy I met as "one of her friend of friends" of course that he knew that we were dating and having a hard time from being apart after staying together.
The worst part of that was HE would've known us, and HE tired to get her with some sweets, and SHE liked him.
When I figured that out, I talked to her that if she can really control herself to not to go to see what's out there,
and she sounded so confused but willing to go.
I can't really remember what I was doing by back then, what I remember is, I was being crazy and begging her a lot.
Wrote lots of letters which was un-sendable, chain-smoking, drinking.. Everything turned colors to grey, I was sick and living in the hell.
Kept calling to friends, texting that "She's like this, She said like this" stuff..

Feels bad that I can't really remember what sort of thing that I tried which might help for this time, but she started texting me after I started texting her less.
It was like Oasis in desert, I just tried to be nice whatever she said to me, and showing her that I'm open for her.
And I talked to her whenever she talked to me first then I told what I did and trying to have fun with my life.
After that issues, right before we got back together, she told me everythinig happened, and even apologized to me deeply.
I was really sad the things happened, but I thought it was worth to save her in my arms, and the things happened wasn't as valuable as losing her.
So it took about 2 months to get back from the break up in long distance relationship, and we got happy just like we used to be.
At the point, what she felt was (as she and her sister told me) I'm the right person for her and there was nothing compare to me.
That guy did like her but ended up treating her not that good.
So I guess it could be something that young people who's not experienced and wanted to see something what's out there and stuff.

But I couldn't really go to america to see her right away after that happened. My passport was expired and took a long time to re-issue it.
I was doing great, I became a manager at my work, making more money, have lots of friends.. even my family moved far away was hard.
After almost year later in April 2010, She took a break and came over to see me.
I made huge mistake that I was cheating on her before she came. Did I feel like I had to revenge? I don't know, I think that was the point that I wasn't sure about us.
Probably just like the way she felt while she did sad things, found some easy ways to make her feel better and saw there's a lot whom she can be with.
But those didn't even last that long at all. I cleaned all that mess, and truely excited to see her and hug her again.
The problem was while she was staying for 2 weeks, I had to go to work for 2 days and she saw my texts, the evidences of cheating on her.
She was.. so mad and sad. I thought this could be the last of us. 
But I think she didn't want to lose me after all that memories, She forgave me and we had our happy birthdays (we have same birthday).
After all that happened, sending her back was really hard and I did feel empty in that time.
I went to america after 2 months since she went back, and we were starting to talk about getting marriaged for serious.

We used to talk about getting marriaged from the first.
But when it came to infront of your face, I guess we all get scared.
I went to america before halloween again, and that was the time we got marriaged.
It took a long time to get ready for that because I wasn't really felt like I was ready, money, dress, and the place.. etc.
But when new year-2011 came, everything was pretty much ready, and we had small little cute wedding.
She was so happy as princess, and she was so beautiful in her dress.. I was truly happy that we made that finally.

As a man, I was worried about future and missing my family. They didn't really know that I was going to get marriaged.
And we still had to ware our couple rings as our wedding band, and that drove me crazy that I couldn't even afford a nice engagement ring for her.
I always had hard time with "Who am I" stuff, because I moved to Japan from Korea when I was 19, and having an American gf..
knowing that I'll be living in the whole different world with starting over, re-write or re-build my own world.
Anyway that could be some of good excuses to go back, right after got marriaged which I think if I didn't then this wouldn't have happened.
She agreed with me that idea that I'd be gone for a while and come back just like our old days,
I felt really heavy but I needed to do that at least for my family.
And it's not like I can be with them if I start my life here in the states.

During staying in Japan, everthing wasn't that easy. Of course I missed her a lot, dreaming the futures we're going to build.
Everyday was painful but I knew that I'd be next to my wife one that who'll be with me whenever, wherever I am.
Having her was good too, she was such a good listener. Talked a lot about hard times at work, and how much we miss each other..

It was really scary, when I look back those days in Japan, we had the worst earthquakes, my house was almost destroyed, mom and little brothers and sisters got scared..
I probably made some mistakes with going back to Japan with leaving her alone,
but I think I had no choice and one thing makes me feel good is I was there for my family.
I left to Japan the end of Jan 2011, and finally made my way to america to my wife Dec 2011 with the Ring.
As she is a big fan of Lord of the Rings, I used to say that I always want to be her Frodo. And I made it!!

First week until Dec 31 was fine. 
We were just having good times as old days, gathering paper works for my green card process.
She goes to work for almost 8hours per day but she was always nice and took good care of me as she used to.
Heard about good people at her work, having fun with her co-workers, always havinig fun at work and stuff.
But I realized now that she mentioned that she's seeing marriage in different way, how stupid that it's just like a paper work thing.
Two people got together and live together no matter what, and proving on the paper that they are couple under the law.
I didn't really know what was the problem, but now I can tell that that was the final red flag, I guess.
Also heard a lot about a guy at her work, how he is, who he is like, what he did, what they do when they hang out.
It seemed fine until Dec 31. We talked, had sex dairly.

By the way, I think I have to mention about something here that my wife smokes marijuana.
Well she started to smoke it since she came back from Japan in 2009, and we always argue about that I smoke cigarettes, and she smokes marijuana.
It's actually really strange thing in Japan and Korea, people go to jail for that and the way I look at is "DRUG".
But she wasn't smoking too much, only with some friends whom I know. Playing card games, smoke..
Well That seemed pretty much everythinig that you can in america to me.
Some of you must visited countries like Japan, China, or Korea. Everything is close, you can take a walk to lots of places.
But here in California is different unless you're in downtown, must need a car and rarely nothing except restaurants, and theathres.
And still I'm not that used to hang out the way she and her friends do.
But I always tried.

Anyway while I was still in the sweet dream, until Dec 31. She gets of at work around 9-11 pm. And she asked me to go with her to hang out,
But I was in the pain from Jet-lag and wanted to sleep. Or We could've watchinig movies or reading together which was her favorite things.
But she wanted to go hang out, and I let her. I used to get mad easily, and as I repeated to myself, I've never yelled at her this time.
She asked me if she can smoke, I told her that it's okay if you have control with that.
Also she said she felt bad that she's leaving me all day in the house. Told her it's okay too.
Because I needed to wait anyway until I can start working at here, didn't want to screw it up with any kind of stupid stuff.
I treated this as my last break of my life and this should be fun, and I was enjoying it.
Waiting for her is long. But in 2010 she used to took me to her school and let me wait for her at work too (at restaurant she works.) and I thought she would too.
She wasn't really hanging out with her friends from high school anymore. She gets different friends again and again everytime probably she felt she's grown up.
She thinks that they look stupid, young.
Well I gave some my answers everytime she changes her friends in that way, once she didn't really realize, but she did eventually.
We used to talk like "when I was your age..." stuff, and she really liked that. Even though sometimes she doesn't agree with that, we enjoyed it.
Probably can tell men grow up slower than women so it worked good for us. We both were young, but I've been through lots of stuff.
I mostly never felt that she's not that young, except when she's saying the problems she has and it reminds me when I was her age.

Well, we made love at the very last part of Dec 31, and it became 2012 when we finished and kissing, Yeah, I guess it turned to hell which I never knew.

We didn't made love or anything. I went to the Parade and she had work. At least she could've come pick me up but she said it's far.
I wasn't making any big deal of it, because I knew that she'd be tired from her work and it takes at least 40min each way to where I was.
But after I figured that she used to drive over 20min away to hangout, it breaks my heart.
Anyway, she started buying stuff and said "I don't need people, buyinig stuff makes me feel happy" I've been through that and.. that just sucks!
Because after thousands of money I spent, I realized that I can't be happy with things.

She wasn't the person who's skinny or gets make ups on her face that much.
But one thing I've realized was, She got skinner a lot, and got prettier (probably from make ups that she wasn't really friendly with)!
Putting reasons for that. she said because she works a lot. Yes, she's never worked this a lot, that's true.
And you need make ups on to make good tips, I understand. But why does she get make ups when she is on her day off? and I feel not good with that.
Well she did go hang out whenever she decorate herself on her day off, saying that she wants to go hang out.
I finally became fine with jet-lag and asked her that if I can go with her.
Yes, I'd never smoke that but I wanted to have some time with her. We had to do each others things by back old days, but it wasn't like doing their own all day long.
She's saying that's not something she can decide, and her co-workers feel weird if I'm there.
Yes, I also understand this part too, she did introduce me to her co-workers at her restaurant,
and I know how does it feel when you're hanging out with your co-worker and there's someone who's not working with.
But come on, when I think about it that when she took me to her work, that guy wasn't there. Maybe she meant it because it seemed she knows his dayoffs.
I can't still think what she tried to, but it all bothers me a lot that making me to figure what was there.

She's not making love with me anymore.
I asked her if we can after her work, and she said she's not really thinking about it.
And then that night, when d-2 of our 1st annyversary, she started talking about how she feels.
That she feels sorry about everything, she's poisoned, we got marriaged with wrong reason and etc.
And after 2 days, it was our wedding annyversary. I went to her restaurant with her dad who treats me like his real son.
It felt horrible, I could tell that she's trying to avoid me. I went to there also on Dec 31 and compare to that, I can see even Dec 31 was pretty bad too but,
this isn't something that lover can do to her lover. I mean, wife shouldn't act like that.
She called her dad, but not me in the restaurant. Felt like she didn't want anyone to know that her husband is right here.
Anyway, I thought that I could leave some little message card on her desk that happy annyversary, and I did.
When she got home, I saw that she was looking at it, and yeah... didn't really care.
She's type a person -writes a lot, read a lot, and loves letters and decorating her diaries.
But seemed she lost all of it.

That night - on our annyversary, we talked too. And what I can say is she's being mean to me and she's just really angry.
I was the one who used to be mad, but this wasn't same at all. I couldn't even talk, she wouldn't listen.
She mostly cried out and said that what she's been doing at her age, and can't even go hang out, finally said to me that because she doesn't love me anymore,
doesn't really care about the marriage because it was wrong from the first, and we should've broken up in 2009 when she saw someone else.
Well, pretty much everything. She sounded she's done.
What a day! We were so happy when we got marriaged, and she's denying it.
I gave her a ring at the airport, and she kissed me and cried that she's happy.
Now she's saying she cired because she felt bad about me.

What makes me confused is changing of what she's saying. Eventually, it would be same that she wants to divorce but the reasons are keep changing and can't really see.
I guess it's not that worth to try to figure what went wrong and what if I did that, but things aren't clear at all.
She was one that wanted me to be honest all the time, and now she said we both are holding back each other too much.
I tried not to lose myself that being mad or yell, I just wanted to talk. Just talk.
I know she wouldn't have been satisfied with the ablity of my english, as she said she could've gone trough all that problems we had because there was LOVE and Passion,
but now she doesn't even give a help to understand what I am trying to say.
At least we've been marriaged, and in my opinion, the thing to make it work is talk. Not just having cool down time or walk out because of you want to run away.
But the way I feel is she might understands that she's marriaged, but what she's doing is bf and gf stuff.
She's got good excuses for that. Because she's tired of trying, tired of changinig herself, and didn't care about the marriaged and divorce.
I may not have to put all the power of every single word she says, but they do hurt me.
I even tried to make love with her, she didn't reject putting off her clothes, I tried to be gentle and she seemed she liked it.
Her body was reacting, and when I was about to start, got into her she said she doesn't feel anything and wants me to get off from her.... 

Most likely, we never talk. We never share things to do anymore.
She just plays her vedio game, coming back home from work, playing with her phone.
We still used same bed and same room but no sex or kiss for saying good night, because her parents didn't know about it.

Okay so.. few days past of writing, I got some more informations.
Well, her parents now know all of it. And I let my mom know all this happening. 
Couldn't even tell my mom because what she and my family's going through, but I guessed this is right time to tell her.

I stayed at her sisters for a week before, she did text me and call me that when I'm coming back, and what time.
But it just seemed like because she didn't want me to catch that what she's going to do, or making excuses to go hang out.
At least she gave me a call with nice voice on 6th day, and that's why I went back to her house and see what's going on.
She said she was spending nights at her best girl friend's, and it was bit strange that when I went to her work on that day,
she wasn't at work. Well, she never gets off at work that early as far as I know.
Anyway, she texted me that she needs to grab some stuff back from her friend's, and when she got home, she started crying so bad.
She was crying and saying that she felt bad about everything, and I couldn't just let her cry alone.
I asked if I can give her a hug, and she held me back. We fell asleep like that and it was just the best ever. 
The warm feelings from my love, and I thought that maybe this is the chance.
But the next day, nothing wasn't really changed. She was talking about same topic, but only being sad instead of being mad.
But that night she let me hold her too, I thought that I just need to be careful of steps and take it slow, don't get rush in.

Next day, she gave me a call that if she can go see her girl friend. I said yes, just let me know when she's coming back.
She replied that "I don't want you to let my parents know about that I go hang out, and I don't want you to wait. It just makes me sick knowing that someone's waiting. Just go to sleep. You know that I'm on the hardest part of my life."
Ok well.. I let her go. Just wanted to wait for her in patient.
Reason why she didn't want me to tell her parents is, We still live under their roof. 
And when I let her parents know about this, they did talk to her and her dad thinks she's still in love with me, but there's too much things going on out there. Also, smoking marijuana isn't allowed under his roof, and this isn't fair at all that I'm waiting and stuck in the house all day long, and she goes hang out. 
So, when I was staying there, she couldn't really go out unless she has work, and had to come back home after that.
But who knows, she might hung out even little bit after her work. 

Anyway, she came back home and I was pretending that I'm asleep, and she got close to me and kiss on my shoulder,
and put her hand on my heart. I felt my heart's beating so fast and hope that this would work out.

Next day was super-bowl. She got day off for that. Gave me money, but ignoring me. Brought her friends instead and spent
time with them. She talked to me little bit there was only me and her that she needs time to think and she couldn't even eat for 2 days, hard to fall asleep, and looking at me makes her hurt. Promised that she's not going to go hang out, just study, work, and think at home. She explaind that how could we get back as normal after all of this, and she'll feel not this heavy if she could let me go. Also wants me to stay at her sister's.

Yes, so.. staying at her sister's for a week now.
I didn't talk or text her until yesterday, no texts, no calls from her. Well, fine. I wanted her to think clearly.
The night that she called me that she wants to see her friends, one of her friends from japanese school talked to her.
She already knew all of this from me, and my wife misses her all the time.
What I heared was terrible. She was with him and some friends, told her that she likes this guy. She might be pregnant and this is not with me, also wants to keep it as secret to me. She knows that I'm a nice man, but she also knows that this isn't love, and she's not happy. All she wants is divorce, and she thinks the situation sucks that's because she can't really have controll with her parents, and nothing she can as she wants. Also she's not up to help me with my green card either.

I made her call me and I was heated up so bad, asked her if she's doing okay with her boyfriend, what she's up to, and I do need to talk with her parents, me and her. 
Well, she said she still feels same way that she wants divorce, but she's not going to do that now because she's sick.
Also there's no bf thing and never happened like that. And No men would be around her, no men can make her happy, and her life can't be controlled by any men. She said she's not willing to do my green card process, and she'll try to give me back the money that I've paid for the lowyer. I told her that just tell me the truth, I'm ready to hear. And if she really wants to end this like in this way, I want to learn something.
Her answer was "because someone involved" Well, she denied that she hasn't met anyone, and then later she said it was just emotional cheating. No thruth at all.
Asked her that if she got pregnant, she said she's not, just bulimia. But I guess I can at least figure that at least it wasn't just emotional stuff. Hearing from my friend that she might be pregnant with someone else's and.. blah.

She must being doped from cocaine, because that guy is drug dealer, or too much of marijuana makes that efforts? Or her hearts fell off completely? Or maybe she's just scared of what she's done and she thinks that I'm going to hurt her again?... Maybe it could be just she's thinking that she's going to miss something on her life and treat this as her life is going to stuck and stop.

I don't really know what to do. I want to handle this in a good way. 
People say that she'd do this again later on even though we make pass though this one.
But we've been building this love and plans for 5 years and there's nothing left if I go back.
Joining army late, and..... what. 
Should I still feel glad that she hasn't filled divorce? Is that just she's still confused? or just being lazy?
I do need some help of this and I'm so open. I'm willing to talk someone on the phone or offline. 
Lonely, have no one here around me and everything seems full of lies. Help want to save my marriage!


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## klance (Apr 4, 2012)

It sounds like you're in a similar situation to me, except I'm the American girl in mine.

Intercultural marriages are incredibly hard, and even more so with a language barrier. With me and my husband, I don't think we realized how difficult it would be until recently. He lives in Taiwan, and I moved back to the US, and since then it's been getting much worse and we've been growing apart.

Whatever happened in the past, you sound like you're obviously very dedicated to your relationship now. But it takes two to make a relationship work, and it sounds like she's done. If she's been cheating on you and lying to you, too, then it sounds like she's not mature enough to take a marriage seriously. You can't change her if she doesn't want to change. It sounds like you've done what you could, you've been patient and given up a lot to immigrate and be with her. 

At the same time, that makes you totally reliant on her, right? I mean, you're in a foreign country with no job, speaking a 2nd or 3rd language. Your dependence on her might make her feel suffocated, and that is pretty much impossible to avoid in this situation.

That is what I feel makes these marriages so difficult. I feel like for a relationship to work out, the balance of power needs to be even so both can respect the other. But in marriages like yours and mine, that's impossible because one person needs to give up everything for the other.

Anyway, whatever her reasons for acting like this, think carefully: would you really be happy in the future with someone who acts like this? As much as you love her, would you want to raise children with her? 

You are young, and there are unlimited possibilities in life. Think about possible future paths for yourself, with or without her.

I have ENDLESS things to say on this subject, but I'll stop here. I hope it all works out for you.


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