# She said she is no longer in love, almost a week now



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Hello everyone,

This might be a little long but please bear with me, but I need to get it all out and hopefully get some advice. Please note that we both still have custody of our child as no papers or anything has yet to be filed.

My (still currently) wife told me almost a week ago that she is no longer in love with me, that she loves me as a person but is not in love with me . We have been married 4 years now, it was hard to hear this as we have a daughter who just turned 3. She has decided to stay at friends or her grandparents for now with our daughter. I didn't see our daughter for almost the whole past week, I finally got to spend some time with her today but it's been hard being away from her and legally there is nothing anyone can do to prevent her from doing that .

We had an argument about 3 weeks ago about me not spending enough time with our daughter or her, I promised her I was going to change and I was serious about that, I began secretly planning a trip for me and her so we could get away for a little bit and just have us time, relax and get rid of a lot of stress we both have had lately.

Well she met some old friends and started talking, texting them and hanging out over at their house which I didn't mind and told her that was fine I didn't mind if she spent time with her friends because I knew she needed time for herself. Well she started spending the night over there with her friend and his wife, as well as having our daughter over there. She said that they had some kids spending the weekend and wanted our daughter to stay over there to play with them and she was going to stay just in case our daughter got scared.

Well I was fine with that as well it's our daughter and I want her to be happy as well and play and what not. Well Sunday rolls around and she comes by and tells me they are staying till tomorrow afternoon, my wife had to get up early to go to work that morning so her friend and his wife were going to watch our daughter, I said OK. Monday afternoon she comes by and tells me they are staying another night because she has to get up early again the next morning :scratchhead: I said OK and that I would like them to be home Tuesday after she got off work and she said they would be. So I waited and the afternoon started so I went to find this friends house so I could spend some time with our daughter and bring her home.

I found their house with my her vehicle parked outside, went and knocked on the door and got asked who is it and I tell them and I wait. She comes to the door and just looks at me and goes "What?" and I was just blown away by this! I said I was there to pick up our daughter and that I'd take her home while she got their stuff from spending the past 4 days or so there. She tells me "No, we'll be home in a little bit." I tell her "It's ok I can go ahead and take our daughter home so I can spend some time with her before I had to do some things that afternoon." well she starts seeming angry at me over this and repeats herself and about that time our daughter comes to the door going "Daddy daddy daddy!" excited to see me well her diaper was full (trying to get her potty trained) and this made me a little upset so I picked our daughter up and told my wife that I was going to take her home so I could change her and spend some time with her.

Well after I said that my wife just flung off the handle as I started putting our daughter in my car yelling and screaming at me that I wasn't taking her no where and all that. I was angry and upset by this point, this wasn't the woman I knew! I told her she needed to get a little more responsibility and that I was taking our daughter home where she belonged. She got even more mad saying I had no right to come and get our daughter and she was done she wanted a divorce. I thought she's just upset and will calm down but most of all I was worried about our daughter.

I drive home and she's following right behind and I take our daughter home trying to figure out what in the world is going on. We pull in to our house and I get our daughter out of my vehicle and she pulls in right behind me. I walk up the porch and try to unlock our door so I could get our daughter inside. Well she picks her up about that time and says I can't have her and that I'm trying to take our daughter away from her and that everyone else was trying to take our daughter away from her. I was lost and confused about what in the world she was talking about and she had yet to tell me ANYTHING was wrong I told her she needed to calm down, no one was trying to take our daughter from her that I brought her home to spend time with her and get her changed. Well she starts screaming for help and screaming that I'm trying to steal her daughter etc. and I tell her to calm down and stop yelling, mean while she is doing this all in front of our daughter. 

I finally get her to take our daughter inside and we get our daughter changed and after I ask her what in the world is going on! She told me the time she spent over at her friends and his wife's place she had been talking to the wife, well the wife told my wife that my wife was not in love with me anymore and she believes them! I've tried to get her to talk to me in the past and she wouldn't or would get upset about it. So she continues to visit these people and they keep telling her these things and even though she says it wasn't what they said, we didn't have anywhere near this type of issue until she started going over there and hanging out.

So now I'm just trying to keep calm and give her some space. I truly don't know what's gotten into her, but I'm more worried about our daughter right now as she doesn't understand what is going on and still wants me and mommy to be there with her. I'm afraid of how all this is going to impact our daughter.

She says she still wants us to be friends and wants me to be here for our daughter. I've told her I'm more than willing to go to marriage counseling so we can try and figure our what's wrong and if there is any way to repair this or not but she doesn't want to. 

Did I do wrong? I mean I understand I had my faults and I was always the first to admit them and work on fixing them, I'm not perfect and I don't think anyone can be.

Sorry this is so long, but it's a lot of stuff I've had to deal with by myself (I moved so we could be here where her family is) so I hope you understand.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You guys are very obviously miscommunicating in some major ways. Either your wife isn't able to open up to you or you are not able to listen to her or both. She is behaving like someone who feels unsafe. I'm not saying you're a danger to her, just that she seems to be feeling like she isn't free to express herself and her wishes clearly with you for whatever reason. 

You guys need to go see a marriage and family therapist to help you both communicate clearly about what is going on. Do this right away. The only way you're going to be able to fix things in any way is to find out what is wrong. The sooner the better.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Who else frequents the friends place? Have you eliminated the possibility of someone else in the picture?


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

TBT said:


> Who else frequents the friends place? Have you eliminated the possibility of someone else in the picture?


As far as I know it's her friend, his wife and some roommate who's seeing someone already. I can't rule it out completely but it's highly unlikely. She's avoided going to her other friends houses though as I've talked to some of them and they said they had no idea this was going on that she just told them that we had an argument a couple weeks ago, mainly because when I've talked them they feel she isn't acting right and that what she has done isn't right so she goes to the only people who agree with her and "enable" all of this.

I went by there a yesterday to see how our daughter was doing and they all were there as well as the guy's wife's mother who was ALSO getting in on telling my wife what to do and what I couldn't do etc.

I don't know what else to do, I've tried getting her to go to counseling/therapy with me but she refuses by saying if I can't figure out what's wrong with her how is some stranger going to. I'm more than willing to do anything I can, if anything for the sake of our daughter.

I still feel for my wife, and I love our daughter to death so this has been hard on me and I've gone through all the stages so far of crying all day, begging her to come back etc. it's been a roller coaster of emotions.

My wife's mother divorced when my wife was a little girl and her grandparents raised her for most of her life and I'm thinking that the divorce when she was young might be something that is still effecting her and possibly making her feel unsafe/insecure. I've always tried my hardest to make sure my wife and our daughter has always had things they needed or wanted and I've always cared so much about them and they were always my #1 priority and I've been raised to always treat a woman with respect and to never lay a hand on a woman, I mean yes I've had my moments of being upset and shouting as I'm sure we all have.

I had noticed the past month or so she has been a bit more impatient with our daughter when it came to doing things with her such as brushing her hair etc. she seemed to loose her patients quickly and just get upset and just give up and I'd just say calmly that she just needed to calm down and have a little patience with our daughter as she's in that stage where everything is a challenge with her.

She also blamed me for her losing her friends when she married me and that some of her family didn't feel comfortable coming over anymore, especially her cousin. The reason for that is last year he was over visiting and looking at our alarm system. I told him very nicely "Please don't mess with it. If you set it off you'll scare our daughter and hurt her ears." and what does he do? He sets it off and then laughs about it and my wife laughs too! I got upset because our daughter who was 1 1/2 at the time came into the living room crying and saying she was scared and I told her cousin to get out, leave. She says I was being mean and showing my butt and attitude by doing that, but when her "friends" were doing the same to me a couple days ago when I went to check on our daughter she defended them and said they were "only trying to protect her." so I'm getting so many mixed signals here. It's OK for her friends to do it but not anyone else.

I'm lost to be honest and trying to find the best way to go about all this. I really think counseling/therapy would help but I can't force her to do something she is not willing to do.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

She called me a little bit ago and wanted me to come and talk with her at her grandparents house where she is staying for now while they are gone. I told her how I feel about everything and told her I don't want to give up on her yet but I understood how she felt and I understood where she was coming from and that I'm more than willing to give her time and space that she needs. She said she doubts anything will change between us and to not get my hopes up.

She told me that there wasn't anyone else and that she didn't want anyone else especially right now. She told me that she didn't feel "trapped" anymore and that she is emotionally empty inside.

Any advice? I'm trying to prepare for what is coming as far as the whole separation and it's not easy.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The problem here is that she would tell that there isn't someone even if there is. 

This family she is staying at, what kind of Husband and wife are they ? Find some info about them if you don't. How did she meet them.

Are we missing some part of the story ? Why was she so scared of you bringing the kid back to the house ? 
Any relevant backstory(physical violence etc). If there isn't, something is shady. She is hiding something that she does not want you to know.

And just in case, check her phone records.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

It's hard to say what's going on with your wife,but like warlock said you should find out all you can about her friends as you sound woefully uninformed about them.Something does sound shady there.How do they have so much influence over your wife seeing as they only recently renewed contact? If these were friends of hers before you and her were together,what was going on in their lives back then? If you don't know them as well as it appears,it would be in your best interests to find out more,even if only for the fact your young one spends time there.Sorry about your situation and I hope you can find your way through this.Btw,how old are you and your wife?


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I'm 25 and she is 22. I'd never heard of this guys wife before and apparently neither did my wife, she knew the guy from when she was younger and they were friends. She said they dated for one day but called it off as they found out they got along better as friends (sound familiar to what she is doing now? She's said the same thing to me the past couple of days) although she has said she's talked to several of her friends about this and they all agree, she's spent most of her time over there listening to this woman tell her stuff.

Some back story:

I suffer from anxiety issues and have been getting treatment since we've gotten married, it's been a rough road for me as I've been trying to fix myself as well as make sure she has been happy. Our daughter came along and for the first couple of months I was doing alright but I started getting stressed out more and worrying about things (money, how are we going to provide for our daughter, making sure our daughter had everything she needed etc.) which of course didn't help my anxiety any so I started trying to cope with it all and the only way I could was to try and relax and spend some time on the computer trying to get myself calmed down again. I told her about this several times and why it was happening and that I just needed time to readjust to things again and she told me she understood and that it was fine.

Well a little bit after our daughter was born we decided to move back to be closer to her family which I was fine with. So we got everything ready, her grandma and mother came and took our daughter ahead of our move date so we could get things ready. We moved about 2 weeks later to her grandparents temporarily while we got our new house finalized and everything (more stress) and I was trying to cope as best as I could with everything going on (new father, new husband for almost a year, new place etc) so it was taking a toll on me but I tried to keep my spirits up and make sure everything got done and that everything and everyone was taken care of. I had been on SSI for a little while and had some back pay that I happily put down on the house (about $5-6k) and the rest that was left over I had spent on getting things for our new house washer, dryer and all the things we would need and things the wife wanted. I had also spent most of that money on our daughter and I didn't care as long as things were taken care of.

Well we move in to our new house and things are going alright, but our daughter has started saying she didn't want daddy she wanted mommy or her great grandma and would cry and cry and cry until one of them came in the room, I of course tried to comfort her and get her to calm down and was doing the best I could. This went on for a couple of months and I was trying my best not to let things get to me and things eventually calm down and our daughter starts wanting to spend time with daddy again.

About this time I started going to a new clinic and the person there started changing my medications around, which threw my body for a loop and I told my wife what was going on and that if I seemed grumpy or anything that I didn't mean it because of the medication changes. This also meant I started stressing out again and my anxiety would kick in and I'd start just going to our room to calm down and I told my wife what was going on again and that I was trying to get things with me back under control and that I didn't want to end up lashing out at anyone due to the medication being switched around and to just give me a little time. Well the clinic continued to switch my medications around and it was horrible for me and I told my wife what they were doing and that I didn't like it one bit and was wanting to change doctors and in this time I was trying so hard to balance everything, my stress, making sure everyone was taken care of, trying to make everyone happy, making sure the mortgage was paid and the electric bill was paid (I pay both). 

Well our daughter about 2 months ago started her routine of wanting mommy or great grandma again and it started really getting to me and breaking my heart that our daughter was not wanting daddy to watch her while mommy was at work or went somewhere. She would cry to the point of making herself sick and it broke my heart and I couldn't stand that so I'd take her to her grandma's just so she could calm down and I talked to her about what was going on and that I didn't want to bother her but our daughter was crying so bad she was making herself sick and she didn't mind one bit and understood and said any time I needed to bring her over was fine.

This lead to us having an argument one night because I was so stressed out about everything that I just needed time to myself so I went to our room and got on the computer to just calm down and try to get some stress off me. She started arguing with me saying I spent more time in the room than with her or our daughter, I told her I was trying my best to spend as much time with everyone as I can and she jumped me about our daughter going up to her great grandma's and I told my wife what she was doing and why she was upset and that I didn't know WHY she didn't want to stay with daddy but I wasn't going to let her just lay in the floor crying to the point of her being sick. She said I needed to change and this was the last chance she was giving me and she meant it that she didn't want to argue with me anymore and if we did it was over.

Well fast forward a couple weeks and I'm in and out of our room doing things around the house spending time with everyone and just trying to prove that I'm willing to change. Well then this whole friend thing started and that's when I went to pick up our daughter to spend time with her after she had been over there and it was time for them to come home and that's when she yelled at me and started arguing with me again and said it was over. She said she's the one who works while I just get "free money". She wanted me to work but I've been unable to but I've tried to talk to her about what would we do if we BOTH were working who would look after our daughter? She'd have to go to day care or still be up over at my wife's grandma's and she's already refused to take our daughter to day care as she doesn't trust "1 or 2 people looking after 20 kids" but I've tried talking to her about it many times so that when my wife had days off she could just relax without our daughter running around wanting mommy every minute.

I've told my wife over and over I don't mind watching our daughter be it during the day or at night it didn't bother me one bit to take care of her, but if it's 3 am and our daughter wakes up and I go in there to check on her and she's crying and screaming for mommy and I'd go in there and try to get her to calm down she'd still cry "No I want mommy!" and I'd have to get my wife to calm her down again so she wouldn't cry herself fully awake again.

About a month ago my wife started not doing anything around the house, we'd agreed when we first got the place that I'd take care of laundry and whatever else and all she had to take care of was dishes and trash. Dishes and trash started piling up and backing up and I would gently remind her that they needed to be done and she'd still slack off on them. She finally told me she didn't know why I didn't do everything while she was at work. I just reminded her that we had agreed on what we would do but it didn't seem to matter, she wants me to do everything around the house and watch our daughter while she is at work! I just started feeling like she just wanted to go to work, come home and be free of having to do anything besides sitting down and watching TV or messing on her laptop.

Well now that she has pulled all this the last week she's been just driving around having her friends watch our daughter while she just sits around or talks and hangs out with her friends. She wants our daughter but I don't feel she wants the responsibility of actually having her as far as taking care of her goes. It's seemed like she wants everyone else to take care of our daughter while she does whatever she wants to do which is mostly just sit there and mess around on facebook.

So by me trying to make sure everything was taken care of and that our daughter had everything she needed and trying to take care of our daughter the best I could while seeking out help from my wife's grandparents when our daughter was throwing fits and not wanting "daddy", we had an appointment to see a psychiatrist for our daughter to figure out why she's behaving the way she is, the wife had to work and couldn't get off to go and I wanted her to come along because I wanted everyone to participate and the wife says it'll be fine as long as 1 parent is there. I told my wife to reschedule the appointment for a time we could all go because I didn't know what days my wife had off, she never did. I had taken our daughter the same day to the WIC office to make sure she got her WIC, which they gave us a month worth but my wife would have to come in and sign for the rest. She hasn't gone to sign for the rest of the WIC yet. Food stamps renewl form came in the mail when she start this whole friend thing, she told me "just fill it out you know most of my information and I'll finish filling it out.", I filled out as much as I could, it's still sitting on the table waiting for her to finish it and I've reminded her a couple times already. The nutritionist at the WIC office is worried about our daughter and her weight, ever since my wife started this whole thing the past week, our daughter has been eating out for almost every dinner.

So that's the back story and the holes filled in. ANY advice is very welcome!


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Just a little update: I went to her grandparents today about noon to spend some time with our daughter, our daughter was still asleep and a friend of hers was over there and her grandfather told me he is not allowed to be there. So I told my wife that and he was still hovering over us while I was in there with our daughter as she was starting to wake up, I finally told this guy that I'm spending time with my daughter and I didn't need him hovering over us and my wife talked him into leaving. Wife said she had a nightmare that I took our daughter from her and when she woke up all she saw was a lump under the covers where our daughter was sleeping and thought it was just the pillow and "freaked out" about it.

So our daughter woke up, she was SOAKING WET and her pamper was FULL and there were several wet spots on the sheet. I noticed that it was the same sheet from yesterday that she woke up on and had once again over flowed her pamper and wet the bed, it hadn't been changed yet.

Our daughter was starting to get diaper rash from the soaked pamper. So she left to go hang out and our daughter is down at our house playing with my father (he drove all the way up here yesterday when he heard what was going on) so I've been taking care of her for most of the day and letting her play with her grandfather (she's super excited over it, and happy to be back home!) and I've given her a bath, got her all cleaned up, she hasn't had a bath in I don't know how many days.

I've also been working on getting her hair untangled as it was a big mess full of knots when I brought her down here.

My wife also said last night that our daughter went to bed about 2AM!!!!!!!! She said she got tired and went and laid down in bed and left our 3 year old up watching cartoons until she came in the room about 2 AM to lay down. She's been letting our daughter stay up as late as she wants and been letting her sleep in as late as she wants!!

ANY advice on this? Any advice would be very appreciated. I'm worried for our daughter and our wife said because I said in the past that she was difficult and going through a phase and that it was hard for me to handle her sometimes (what parents doesn't think that when their kid is going through their 2-3 year old stage? lol.) that I wouldn't be able to handle our daughter or take care of her!

She's also trying to get ME to move out of the house I pay for and keeps telling me and pushing the subject of me moving out, I feel this is some kind of tactic to get me away so she can say I left and moved out and not the other way around.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Never leave the marital home this only gives your wife more leveage by claiming you abandoned the family.

By a VAR and keep it with you, maybe buy two and plant one in the baby bag so no one can find it. The VAR you have on you will prevent your wife from false acusations if she calls the cops on you to get you to leave. But three and plant one in her car.


Next time she takes off with the kid call child protection services and tell them whats going ON and ask for a welfare check on your daughter. Infact next time she's gone for days call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on your kid. Documant these contact and who you talked to.

If any of these agentcies take action great, if not at least you namse and dates for future refrence.

Right now get a note book and write the date and time that these event are taking place, and keep updating the journal. In time you will loose the exact dates with all this crazyness. This journal is the most important thing you need to do.


Once a pattern is established thru your journal the CPS and the cops it will give you the ammunition for when you wifes goes off the deep end and you have no other choice but to go to court.

Once your kid is protected then you can work on her affair.....or what ever is influencing her current behavior. There is something that is beeing done to your wife that is causing her to be emotionally unhealthy. Someone has control over your wife, but the impotant thing is proving a pattern of child neglect and acting on it. I also suggest you do a back round check on these new friends of hers.


And call a lawyer now!


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Thanks the guy. I've had our daughter all day and keeping her overnight and she seems to be excited to be at home where all her toys are and her bed. My father watched her while I went to the store and got another car seat for her as my wife has the only car seat we have (we swapped out when needed) so that should I need to take our daughter anywhere I can now without having to worry about all that. Also made sure to get extra things (diapers, milk etc.) for our daughter which I'm going to keep here at the house and out of the way so she doesn't find them and take them. 

I played with her all day outside and took her to town to play in the play place at McDonald's (she likes the slide there) and she played with other kids that were there and had a great time! It made me SO HAPPY to see our daughter having so much fun. I also took the time to give her a bath (unsure when her last one was, but I know it's been awhile) and worked on getting the knots out of her hair. So our daughter had a full day today with daddy and is fast asleep when she should be right now.

It broke my heart to have to work them knots out as she was crying and saying it hurt, it broke my heart seeing her looking that way AGAIN. Even before the wife decided to leave right before all this, her hair was in knots and I had to help work them out. She tried one morning but I walked in as she was brushing our daughters hair and just told our daughter "Fine. Go on then I don't care." because our daughter was fussing about it hurting her (I know it hurt when I sometimes got knots in my hair when I was younger!) but she just gave up and I just calmly told my wife "Just calm down and have a little patience ok?" and mind you this was right before she decided to split, and I got down on the floor and had our daughter sit in my lap while I tried to work the knots out, my wife was "trying" to help but didn't seem interested or really even trying to comfort our daughter as I as gently as could be tried to work the knots out even by hand, that is until that afternoon when her friend came over and brushed her hair and she magically was the good mom and was holding our daughter and trying to comfort her and all this.

I also went ahead and got a voice recorder under your advice. I had been thinking about that as I wanted to have some proof of our conversations just in case. She already told me I had better not of planted any "listening devices or trackers (???)" on her and of course I hadn't so told her the truth about that but she seems afraid of me recording what she's saying while I'm not around .

I'm going to be working on the lawyer, I just have to find someone as to be quite honest I'm not rich but get enough money to get by so I'm not sure how that works (maybe someone can let me know from experience) but I am working on it.

My wife said she's glad to have her friends backing her because it's 3 against 1 (her friends vs me) and now 3 against 2, me and my father, but he's only here to visit his grand daughter as my wife already run my family off once this month when they were suppose to come up and spend time with our grand daughter (my family lives about 500 miles away) and caused my mom and father to have to go home once already, my father came back up but my mom stayed at home as she was devastated by what my wife had done and how she refused to let my parents spend any time with their grand daughter.

Some more information I got about these "friends" the one she knows is married to the woman who is giving her advice, the roommate is staying there for free and doesn't work or anything and I was told he tends to think violence is the answer to everything (he's already threatened me once) and I've heard my wife saying over the phone (she borrowed someones phone because hers "doesn't work" anymore) that she told the friend she knows to tell this other guy to "calm down everything is ok" when I was up there today visiting our daughter and after I told her friend that he needed to leave as her grandparents told me that the friend or anyone associated with him IS NOT allowed on their property and if he is up there and doesn't leave to call them right away but anyways she goes "Oh he won't hurt our daughter, I'd never take her around people who would hurt her." but the point is this guy has people over all the time and is not someone our daughter needs to be around at all!

Sorry to be long winded just it helps me to write everything out to get my thoughts organized and well to get any advice I can get as any is always welcome! Thank you all so very much for lending an ear so to say and helping. I know I have my father here but I'm not letting him be a "crutch" so to speak in all of this. Thanks again everyone! I hope ya'll don't mind if I keep this thread updated as things go on.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I got one!

OK whenever you hear the words "I don't love you.....", or "I don't feel the same way about you" take a look at the key words having to do with feelings. You might have also heard the follow up phrases to this too dealing with you not doing things to help around the house or taking her out to dinner..... but don't beieve the BULLSH!T! You could be doing everything perfect and she STILL would find problems with you.

What she's really saying is "I AM BORED/BORED WITH YOU"!

What's I believe happened here is that she entered into marriage with all of these great expectations of what it would be like. She told herself she would never be depessed again and everything would be just as perfect as it seemed when you were dating. So she's bored and depressed and not knowing that she has the power to fix this herself she attaches that depressed feeling into being with you. She's coming down off of a dopamine high triggered off and on as well as realizing..... married life isn't fun. Married people get bored and have to deal with children acting up, but that's just how it works. Get it? She's bored and dissapointed with herself.

Now what I see happening here is she's preparing to divorce you and has been for a good while. Those friends could be some weird open marriage threeway, but I doubt it if the daughter is there because she would be pickng up on the vibe... or see something she can't understand. Children know! No, what appears to be happening is she's with that friend because that toxc friend is telling her wat she wants to hear and kissing her ass the way she likes in order to be closer to her. That woman is the real opposition here.... you may be able to smooth things over with your wife and have a good day but then she will come home and be reprogrammed.

I've been in this position before where I had to deal with dirty and guilty feelings from the ex wife's friends who knew what she was up to, and I've seen it enough on here to know exaclty what to do. Buddy, you're going to have to leave her alone and agree with her feelings. By that I mean tell her you're fine with her decision to divorce and that you realize you both need some space at this time..... then be consistent with your decision and actually stop bugging her completely. 

Then get on with your life for the next month or two and do your best to stop looking for exuses and exceptions for her bad behavior. She's firing you as her husband so that means you no longer have to call her and be her punching bag or grief counelor. Get it? Now here's the beautiful part of the 180 when you do it in time and completely detach yourself..... she'll stop bashing you with her problems and actually be forced to look within. She'll more than likely also rage on for a few weeks trying to get you fighting with her or attempt to "tag" or sleep with you in order to keep you hooked on her and maintain control of you. Put up boundaries now and refuse to let her do that or god forbid use your daughter as bait to get you into trouble.... All you have to do is basically give her the silent treatment and find ways to enjoy yourself all the while knowing the golen rule.... divorce does NOT mean happiness and YOU have a better chance to reconcile because of your daughter. But that's the long term 180 with visitation which I won't go into.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Thank you! That's what I had been thinking in my head the past couple of days but it was hard to really sort out that feeling with everything else floating around.

We have had some little spats here and there about me "not doing things" to which point I would start doing MORE to get her attention that hey I'm doing things around here! but it seemed to me she didn't really care because I never heard her tell me anything positive about what I was doing, the occasional "Thank You" which she would bring up when I said how come she didn't let me know or show any gratitude about what I was doing (instead of picking on every little thing I wasn't/didn't do that day) and she would bring up the "Well I told you Thank You." and of course I would always fall back into a slump because I thought why do I even bother, she doesn't seem to care and just brings up more of what I haven't done.

She read a lot of romance books and watched a lot of romance movies and told me she wanted things to be like that! I thought to myself at the time I hope she knows those are fiction and real life doesn't work that way. But didn't say anything, THAT should have been red flag number one for me but I let it slide as "wishful thinking, we all do it" and didn't pay it no mind.

For the first couple of months after our daughter was born I was the one up all the time with her and taking care of her while the wife was at work and sometimes my mother would come and give me a little break right before the wife got home and the wife always complained I wasn't watching our daughter. After a couple of months of this I was burnt out to be quite honest and I started telling my wife we both needed to be taking care of things, even if it was one gets up and then the other takes the next time while we were sleeping so that we both had a chance to get some rest. She did this for a little while and it gave me a slight break at night but I still had to take care of her during the day, I didn't mind it one bit but without having hardly any breaks it does wear ya down.

I told the wife that I needed a break every now and then if that was ok. She agreed and I would get a day off here and there, and the wife started complaining that I was no longer interested in our daughter anymore or her! Red Flag number 2.

The past couple of months the wife started slacking off and not wanting to do anything around the house and I would ask her to do something like take the trash away and she said she would get to it and never would. Things got bad from her not wanting to do anything (The old famous "Why don't you do it when you're free? You don't do anything!" would be flung in my face) to the point I MADE her take trash off (she has a truck so it was easier to load it and take it off when needed) and she wasn't too happy about it. Dishes wouldn't get done and to be honest I wanted to see just how long she would let things go before she did anything. I'd reminder her every so often about it but wouldn't push it and she'd get upset.

That should have been Red Flag number 3 for me, had I been keeping count that is, but why would I? I knew life wasn't just handed to you, especially once you had a child and only became more of a challenge so I wasn't expecting everything to be "perfect" or "paradise" I was expecting things to be well, "adult" and dealing with our child (and she can be a handful!) and everything that comes with it. I guess this wasn't part of her romance books or movies where they dealt with having and raising a child.

I'm currently writing a journal of all events leading up to the event that caused all this as well as everything after so that I have my own writings which I can give to a lawyer when the time comes or should I need a log of everything that's been done for CPS or anyone else that might need it.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

CJ,jeez man,I feel so sorry for you and your daughter.If I were to look way back in my past I could very easily associate your wife,the violent unemployed guy who has lots of visitors and the weird married couple with using and/or dealing drugs.Could your wife be using? Btw,there is some particular reason that the grandparents don't want that guy around their home,so they could know more than they are telling you,as maybe they are trying to protect your wife.Maybe they don't want to say too much because if he gets in trouble,she gets in trouble.Truth is it could be anything I guess.Like the guy posted gather and document as much information as you can.Take care of yourself and the little one.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

At this point I'm not sure of much of anything. Hindsight is always 20-20 and bites ya in the rear huh? She told me yesterday she'd started smoking about a month ago to "cope with the stress but I can quite any time I want to, just don't tell anyone especially my grandparents." so no telling to be honest. If I found out they are and did it around my daughter I don't care if it means my wife will go to jail and hey maybe while she is there she can actually think about what she is doing but that's one big no no on my list to be anywhere around that type of stuff and it should be on hers too if she has any common sense left.

To top all this off, I've been doing all this while having to deal with having possible pneumonia but I'm not letting it hold me down or get in the way of spending every second I can with our daughter and taking care of her.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I've also decided I don't care if the wife comes along or not but I am going to reschedule the appointment for the child psychitrist she is suppose to see to figure out these emotional outbursts she has had for the past couple of months. Had to cancel the last one due to the wife having to work and I wanted both of us to go and take care of what problems our daughter might be having (wife states "Well one parent being there should be fine, you can just come home and tell me what they said." ......

So I've decided I'll go ahead and reschedule that appointment and if the wife has to work or doesn't want to go well that's her own fault, I'll take our daughter there even if it has to be just me and her because she is my main priority right now. Our daughter shouldn't have to suffer because of what mommy doesn't want to do.


----------



## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

this is a good thought!!!take care if you and daughter for now in an honest manner.

with time you will understand what else is going on;have faith and patience;


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Still have our daughter at the moment, she's eating lunch (home cooked spaghetti that I make, she LOVES it) but was a little troubled when she said she wanted it cooked in the microwave. The only thing I could think of is she's been eating canned food the past week or so or eating out, both are not good in my eyes. I understand canned food every now and again (sometimes you just don't have time to cook!) but not as a main source all the time.

I called our daughters doctors office and re-scheduled the appointment for tomorrow and will be taking her even if the wife doesn't go. I just hope she doesn't take our daughter away again to avoid going. Working on finding a lawyer also, I've started the 180 since yesterday and I am not going to let her get me down again like she did when she told me she wanted to separate. I'm going to show her I'm doing just fine even without her here. I'm also not going to let her talk me into leaving the house since SHE is the one who decided to leave and wants the separation.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

cooljay said:


> She told me that there wasn't anyone else and that she didn't want anyone else especially right now. She told me that she didn't feel "trapped" anymore and that she is emotionally empty inside.
> 
> Any advice? I'm trying to prepare for what is coming as far as the whole separation and it's not easy.


My guess is that you don't know it, but you're domineering toward her. You're probably a take-charge kind of guy who doesn't dilly dally around with words too much and acts. The way things went with you picking her and your daughter up from her friend's place suggests that. 

Now, I'm not trying to insult you or call you controlling, but her words, that she doesn't feel "trapped" anymore suggest that she feels controlled or dominated by you. You may not be intentionally doing this (and in fact, your words and the fact that you're seeking advice suggests that you are not intentionally doing this), but she feels like she cannot stand up to you in a disagreement or a dispute. She is probably not able to assert herself and that's why she is feeling trapped.

She needs counseling. I don't recommend bullying her or being overly pushy in general, but I do think you should push the idea of marriage counseling (and/or or independent counseling) a little more firmly. The reason I suggest this is because her response to your suggestion of MC was met not with vehemence but with hopelessness; she didn't say "no way in heck I want that!" but "what's the point, you who knows me so well can't read/understand me, so how can someone else?" I'm guessing that she feels deeply disappointed by your inability to read her mind or her subtle assertiveness and that she does not realize that she is being a doormat. I'm a recovering doormat, myself, so in your descriptions of her, I see things that make sense to me. (I thought counseling would be useless until I found a good counselor and then I opened up to myself, didn't realize until then how much of myself I'd suppressed in an effort to keep the waters steady in my relationship with stbxh).

Maybe she's cheating, maybe she's having a midlife crisis, maybe she's in a place where she is trying to figure herself out, but I doubt the first two; she did latch on to one set of friends and avoid all the others and avoid you because she is probably looking for a sole guide who is on her side out of her emotional swamp and the many voices would confuse her. Better to make that voice of reason a professional counselor who can help her find the self that she seems to have lost in marriage and motherhood.

I'm guessing that you're an assertive guy and she's a rather passive gal in your marriage. Does she compromise easily and accommodate often? Does she seem reluctant about things or flail about feeling hopeless when she disagrees? I could be misreading your situation and projecting my own issues, but, maybe think about your dynamic and maybe just be honest with yourself about whether or not you thinks he might feel a little trampled? Space, time, understanding, and counseling might help.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Also, how are you going about 180? I hope you're not just giving her the cold shoulder or something. 

I think that she is demonstrating how confused and vulnerable she is right now and that you shouldn't make her feel more pressured. I think this is a good time for dialogue and really talking about the things that you disagree about to see if it is possible or not for you guys to remain married. 

Look at the places where you have very strong opinions and where you expect her to fall in line, regardless of whether or not she agrees. There has to be give and take on both sides. When you're separated, it's easy to get defensive and wall yourself up behind your complaints about your spouse's faults, but that won't necessarily help you solve the problem, I think. If nothing else, you guys have to figure out how to solve your disputes for the sake of future co-parenting. Take a step back and be willing to find fault in yourself, too. *Go back and look at post #11.* Sounds like you both got into a difficult dynamic when the crisis was in full-swing and she has stayed "on eggshells" without being able to right herself; don't assign blame, just look at the dynamic between you two to see where the imbalance is.

The 180 is definitely meant to help you detach and separate, but shouldn't put you in a staunchly adversarial relationship with your spouse, especially since you aren't trying to reinforce some agenda as with not tolerating an affair or something. 

What books have you been reading to think about your own dynamic? I hope you're also taking care of yourself -- gym, social life, reading, relaxing, stuff like that...the tension will go up throughout this time.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Don't have long but wanted to reply and post a little update.

I do have a bit of a "get it done" attitude which I've been working on and I've been better at it, so much so I was at the point of just letting anything slide for days/weeks without even bothering her about it as I've realized how I sounded in the past about things.

I've been supportive of her so far. Today she finally called about an hour ago and wanted me to bring our daughter next door to her grandparents. Took her up there and as soon as we got inside she started crying and saying she didn't want to be up there she wanted to go back home and I tried to calmly explain to our daughter that mommy was there and she wanted to spend time with her but our daughter continued fussing, so I had my father take her back down to our house while I talked with the wife to see if she was ok.

She was upset and crying of course and saying it didn't matter anymore if our daughter stayed down here at home. She also was upset thinking I was going to just vanish with our daughter, which I reassured her I'm not the type of person to do that. She said she was just afraid when she woke up I would be gone. I told her no I would never do that and no one else be it my family or someone from her family could change my mind or tell me what to do. I asked if she needed anything from the house and she told me a few things she needed so I plan to take them up to her later after I go to the store.

She just called and let me know she was going to go to town with the friends wife I said OK I don't mind. Asked her again if she needed anything from the store while I was there she said if I see anything she likes if I could get it for her and I told her I will. I also asked her about seeing a counselor again, to which she said she didn't feel comfortable telling a stranger about her feelings but she will think about it, so that's at least some good news.

I'm giving her space and time, but also letting her know we are still married and even though it hurt me what happened I'm willing to work things out if we can, if not well we can go from there. In the mean time I'm just focusing on our daughter and making sure she's got everything she needs and is as comfortable as possible during all of this.

Well I rambled a bit more than I thought I was going to!


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

OK another update. I went to the store while my father watched our daughter and spent some time with her while he is here. I went to the store and my wife went with her friends wife shopping.

Well I come back and find out our daughter went up there, no biggie. Well she's taking a nap and it's late! Which means she'll let our daughter stay up late tonight. Her whole attitude changed after she spent time with this woman. It seems that every time she spends time with this woman she changes. I don't know what she is telling her but whatever it is my wife is just absorbing it like a sponge.

She said she wasn't sure if counseling would help because it would be a total strange and she didn't feel right telling a total stranger about her feelings but yet, she just met this woman about 2 weeks ago and was already telling her everything about our marriage and all to her right after they met! Just doesn't make sense to me.

I also found out this woman she's been talking to it seems has been divorced before and has kids with another man and those are the kids that were there when my wife said our daughter was playing with some kids but it seems they only stay on some weekends. So it seems this woman has been through a divorce before and is feeding I guess for lack of a better term "feelings" into my wife and telling my wife what she should do and my wife is going right along with it. Doesn't sound to me like my wife has truly made up her mind, but is just going with what this woman is telling her!

I found out today from my wife she has told NONE of her other friends what is going and said she doesn't want anyone else to know and that I shouldn't tell anyone else. So any advice? Unless I can get my wife away from this woman things are going to continue going the way they are.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

moxy said:


> What books have you been reading to think about your own dynamic? I hope you're also taking care of yourself -- gym, social life, reading, relaxing, stuff like that...the tension will go up throughout this time.


Haven't really decided on any book just yet but have been looking. 


I've been taking care of myself as much as possible, it's hard with emotions going on but I'm coping OK so far. I've had a bit of a loss of appetite with all the stress but been trying to eat as normal as possible.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Here you go champ, 
Straight from the book "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald these are his words on dealing with your situation in the most productive way. That is without resorting to petty arguments and fighting over who's right and who's wrong, who gets to see the daughter you share..... you name it. Take the higher path, the pschological one that keeps you mentally sane and out of legal trouble. Always bet on psychology!:smthumbup:

*“I don’t love you anymore”*
Usually when someone calls me, they’re separated. But when let’s say the husband calls me, the most common complaint that he hears from his wife is “I don’t love you anymore.” The implication is that of course they have to separate. I try to help him see that most people, and in this case the wife does, have low self-esteem and that he is head-over-heels in love with her and she knows that. So therefore, she subconsciously looks down on him as being an idiot for being in love with her. He has the diagnosis that she doesn’t have any reasons for not being in love with him anymore, and sometimes she does. She’ll say, “Oh, you neglected me. You were not there for me when I needed you.” That’s a real common one.

So I help him see that those are excuses and not the real reason. Because if they were the real reason, then when he said, “I’m willing to work on that. Let me help you understand why I wasn’t there one hundred percent for you.” Then she would respond positively and say, “Well, you’re going in the right direction. What can I help you do to keep moving in this direction of being there for me, of being more understanding?” She never responds positively to that, showing that’s not the real thing. 

She will say, “It’s too little, too late.” Well, why is it too little, too late? That’s not really what’s going on. What’s really going on is since he’s head-over-heels in love with her, she has lost respect for him. She has an ego problem, and she can’t conquer her ego problem by saying to herself, “I’m so proud of myself that I conquered this idiot.” Most of the time, the man sees it and begins to move in a more independent direction.

*“I’m just not happy”*
There’s another statement similar to “I don’t love you anymore,” that says, “I’m just not happy.” Well, the woman who says, “I’m just not happy,” is waving a big flag that says that she’s very immature, because she’s saying that the other person is responsible for making her happy. She’s saying, “It’s not my job to make me happy. It’s not my job. So obviously if I’m not happy, I’ve just got the wrong person.” And of course, we can see through that. The other person can help us be happier at times, but not always. Our happiness is basically our responsibility.

So I help the husband who’s being rejected see that he’s got the cart before the horse, so to speak, because he’s saying, “I will be happy after we get back together.” But the only way they’ll ever get back together is for him to learn to be happy; learn why and how to be happy before she comes back. Then she’ll want to come back, because she’s got a happy, productive husband to be around.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Thank you Nsweet! I read that and I can agree with it. I'm going to save the book text to a text file and print it out so that I can have it around whenever I need it.

She called about 10:30 PM and told me she was going out with that woman to go out and eat, taking our daughter with them. I've been wanting to get our daughter on a regular sleeping pattern for awhile now.

She let her nap today until around 7:30 - 8:00 PM which means she will be running around half the night again. Last night when I had her she was in bed and asleep by 10 PM. I'm still keeping a journal and I print it out and back it up also but have the printed copy hidden just in case.

Quick edit: Had to sew our daughters blanket together in one of the corners using the most manly of man colors around, pink! I think I found the full book online will be reading it over. Thanks!


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

*HELL NO!!!!!*

Anything you do to argue your point or try to get her to see how she is behaving will be met with resistance...... blaming you, shaming you, making you feel crazy, and all hellfire she has at the moment. That's because she is trying to protect her self-righteous image and blame anyone and everything for her problems. 

Or if you prefer....... she hates herself so much that she spills everything into you and anyone who gets close enough to be blamed. To be honest she and her toxic friend remnd me of the GNO group you see working in the mediation center of court. They appear happy as hell after work but you can tell they are miserable and lonely most of the time.

FYI this is also a common tactic of borderline personality disorder, but is so common in women during divorce that it'shard to tell for sure. Take a look for yourself
13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist « A Shrink for Men

You want a great tactic for dealing with your wife at this moment? Tell her NOTHING!!!!! Seriously, she is trying to get you to chase her and fight with her over the childish way she is acting. She is a child raisig a child pretty much. I would advise you to ignore her befor 10am and after 10pm..... give your wife a cerfew and be a bigger adult about this than she could be. 

To give you an example.... my wife use to "accidentially" butt dial me while talking it the OM, I've also had an ex who used to try to tease me into chasing her by saying she would be passing right by work, and another ex used to tell me about her sex with other men...... don't fall for it. If you happen to pick up the phone tell them one of the BS lines they give like "That' cool..... hey can I call you back in a few minutes" - end call>turn phone off>play xbox360 and watch porn:smthumbup: Or my favorite line...... "Hey[wife's name], I'm with someone right now.... I can't talk. Click>smile>sleep happy.

Oh, and document document document everything you can such as her keeping her child up at all hours and exposing her to club life, sex, or drug use...... not saying that's going on but you never know what your daugther willl draw if you give her a bunch of crayons and tell her to draw mommy andher friends.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> You want a great tactic for dealing with your wife at this moment? Tell her NOTHING!!!!! Seriously, she is trying to get you to chase her and fight with her over the childish way she is acting. She is a child raisig a child pretty much. I would advise you to ignore her befor 10am and after 10pm..... give your wife a cerfew and be a bigger adult about this than she could be.


This little part had me laughing. Just the other day she stated "What do people think I am? 16 again? Jeez I can't go spend any time with my friends and I have to be back at my grandparents at certain times." because her grandfather is checking in on her since he found out all of this was going on and where she was taking our daughter to, while they are out of town until later this week.

I am documenting every little thing, no matter what it is or who it's on even me I just document it all.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I went ahead and scheduled an appointment to see a marriage counselor on Monday. I'm going for me and if she does not want to go that's her choice. I've been reading the book Stop your divorce and it's provided a lot of valuable information so far.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Just another update on things so far. Went to her grandparents today to take her a book and a long sleeved shirt that she wanted from the house. I have been reading the Stop your divorce book and it's proving a great read. Her and our daughter were still asleep at 10:30 AM still. So I called and she answered and I told her I was waiting outside with her book she wanted and she comes to the door.

So I step inside as it's a pretty chilly day today. First thing I noticed is it was cold in the house! Our daughter was still asleep so I sat down and just made small talk waiting on our daughter to wake up. She finally wakes up and I go in there and lay down next to her and she's excited to see me. I noticed it's the same sheets that have been on the bed for the past week, our daughter has soaked her diaper through 2 times that I know of already and she had soaked through them again this morning soaking the sheets and the bed again! This is not the wife's bed and is her grandmothers. She said she will have to call her tomorrow to find out where the sheets are but she knows where they are, they've been in the same spot for years. I look at the thermostat on the wall and it reads that it is 57F in the house!

Me and our daughter ran around the house for awhile playing tag and chase before we had to get her ready to see the children's psychologist as she's been having some behavior issues even before this all started. Both our daughter and the wife rides with me to the doctors office.

We get there and wait and we're called back. The wife was "sugar coating" things and saying things that reflected good on her but was quick to point out my issues and stating how it's possible it caused some of the behavior. I didn't disagree but rather just the opposite, I know I've had problems with my anxiety but I've been working on it and the past couple of weeks I've actually made great strides and I am rather proud of myself.

The wife doesn't seem to have showered recently. She is still trying to get me to move out by saying her grandfather will make me move out and that he will want her to have the house etc. but I'm not budging on that. She's the one who left and wanted to take off with our daughter.

So that's where I am at today. Have our daughter as the wife is working till late tonight.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I've got an appointment to start seeing a marriage counselor this upcoming Monday. I'm actually happy and excited to be going and to help work out my issues and if the she wants to join me she can but it's up to her.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

WOW, 
I recommend you first talk with her grandparents (without her knowing in advance, of course) and tell them how you're worried about your child's safety. Befriend them by showing them you're not the bad man she mae you out to be and that you're honestly worried about both of tem. At the rate things are going she's not far offfrom having CPS called on her and losing custody of her daughter to you or her grandparents...... probably grandparents, but that would also be great for you because you'll get to see her a lot more often and for some reaon grandparents do better with other people's children. 

I would say document everything you can over a month or two saying nothing about your records to anyone. If after 30 or 60 days your daughter is still living in a frozen dump then get the courts involved ASAP. By then you'll have plenty of documented notes, VAR (get one!) and take pics with your phone or pretend to be on the phone while recording video or use a hidden cam...... really anything you can think of if not including pics of bruises on your daugter, diaper rashes with that time and date stamp of the pic (so repeatedly), and record her height and weight by taking her to the doctor if you suspect she's being malnurished. 

I know that seems like a lot but if you can prove your wife is an unfit mother who poses a risk to your child you can gain custody no sweat. LOL, let your stbxw deal with all the parening classes if not jail time if she whants to see her again. Then guess what? Years later after you've been taken care of her and doing a fantastic job, other women will be all over you like..... well desperate girls on a DILF. Haha.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I've been in contact with her grandparents and they are NOT happy one bit about the way she has been acting and that she started all of this right after they left for vacation. I haven't told her much of anything her grandpa has told me but he's highly highly upset and has told me that those "friends" of hers are not allowed to be on his property at all and for me to keep an eye out. They are suppose to be back this Thursday and she's already talking about her grandpa being on my side and the only person on her side is her mom (currently in another state living with one of the many men she's bounced around with) and maybe partially her grandma. I didn't know this was some type of wrestling match or something where people needed to pick a side!

I admit and not ashamed to admit it either hey, I had problems and did things wrong and I'm taking the steps needed to fix those problems by going to counseling. Not for her, for me and our daughter and if it so happens it helps fix things between me and her that's just the icing on the cake.

A couple years ago when I was first diagnosed with my anxiety problems I was seeing a counselor and he wanted me to bring her with me. She was actually smirking and laughing through the whole session. He asked her why she was doing that and she said she did not really believe in any of it. I've also finally realized looking back now that when she would complain about what I didn't do around the house, when I would start doing more around the house it never really got noticed by her, but rather I was told about what ELSE I wasn't doing, so I don't think I really truly could have ever done enough LOL.

The only thing I worry about is her grandfather owns the property our house is own but I pay the mortgage (co-borrower) which also pays property tax but I guess that's another problem for another day.

I also did buy a voice recorder so that when we talk or whatever I can record it and still writing down notes on everything. She's told me she's afraid CPS is going to take our daughter away from her, but she's also told me she's focused on our daughter and mainly worried about her and has yet to really show it, especially since all of this started. 

She's been taking her out to eat almost every time for lunch or dinner, maybe both and I haven't noticed anything that would indicate she's fixed an actual home meal for our daughter. At least I make something and she might not eat it, I try at least before letting her have something else. When I took our daughter to the WIC office for her check up and renewal and the nutrionist was very concerned about our daughters weight as it was getting way above the curve which worried me to death. So this whole eating out thing she has going on is very very unhealthy for our daughter and causes me even more concern that while I'm trying to get her to eat healthy, all that work is being undone when stbxw takes her.

I feel like she's using our daughter as more of a possession rather than as a child and that truly bothers me. She already acts like what she has thought up in her head is going to go exactly as planned as far as her having our daughter, the house and all. One thing that happened the other day, stbxw went to the fair while I watched our daughter, she went with those "friends". Well I take our daughter out and drive around and just have fun with her and stop at a store and get her a dollar balloon, nothing fancy but she loves playing with it and hey it wasn't but a buck. The next morning stbxw gives our daughter some light up butterfly wand she got at the fair, while yes our daughter was excited to play with for awhile, it broke that night and she'll pick it up and mess with it but puts it back down. The balloon is still going strong and she's still enjoying it and having fun with it. Nothing fancy or flashy.

I'm just taking it day by day with a smile on my face and thinking of all the positive things. Working on losing weight I've wanted to lose that I put on in the past couple of years, and over all just being there for my daughter and trying to be a good role model for her.

Well I see I got to rambling on again LOL but I suppose that's what happens when you finally get "dad time for himself" while the little one is asleep hehe.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Had our daughter yesterday, last night and most of today and had a great time! The stbxw is still talking about getting the house and I know she's probably trying to rattle my cage and get me emotional again but not letting it bother me one bit!

Went to a store today and a person who works there who knows both me and stbxw asked how things were going and I told her what was going on and about this woman who is giving all this "advice" to stbxw and she looks at me with wide eyes and goes "what?! That's a bunch of bull! What she is doing is wrong. You mean to tell me she stayed over at these peoples house for almost a week with your daughter?!" I simply said "Yeah she did." and the lady shook her head and looked like she couldn't believe what she was hearing and told me that's not right at all!

Stbxw said she wants to keep this hush hush and doesn't want anyone else to know about it or talk to her REAL friends about it because I think this other woman knows if stbxw talks to her real friends and other people she'll have to actually stop and think about what she's been doing and that will just undo everything this woman has told stbxw.

She asked about the cable bill and how was I going to pay it, I told her simply don't worry about it I've got it covered. Stbxw was suppose to call me when she got off from work to get our daughter, well went up there and surprise surprise she was already home and talking on the phone. That makes me feel like these "friends" are more important to her than her own daughter.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Oh forgot to say one interesting thing did happen, I was standing there with her watching our daughter play and just smiling, not giving her the cold shoulder at all, just watching our daughter play and the stbxw turned to me and says exactly this: "How are you doing today? Just to break this awkward silence." which I just replied with "I'm doing just fine." but that was just interesting to me how she did that. I'm guessing she wants me to say that I'm doing terrible and that I need her back and just breaking down.


----------



## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

cooljay, women are weird. Keep that in mind. They can be down right evil, but lots of times, I think it's just how they do things sometimes. If it were simple (women), we wouldn't have this forum, would we? lol. 

I hope you are doing ok and things work out for you. Take care. 

Dewayne


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> cooljay, women are weird. Keep that in mind. They can be down right evil, but lots of times, I think it's just how they do things sometimes. If it were simple (women), we wouldn't have this forum, would we? lol.
> 
> I hope you are doing ok and things work out for you. Take care.
> 
> Dewayne


Thanks, I'm doing good so far and keeping my spirits up and just being happy in general which has really opened my eyes again.

One thing I've gotten from her when this all started is "Well I've been talking to (woman's name) about how I feel and everything and she told me I'm not in love with you anymore." so this leads to her just repeating that over and over well SHE SAID SHE SAID SHE SAID.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

cooljay said:


> Thanks, I'm doing good so far and keeping my spirits up and just being happy in general which has really opened my eyes again.
> 
> One thing I've gotten from her when this all started is "Well I've been talking to (woman's name) about how I feel and everything and she told me I'm not in love with you anymore." so this leads to her just repeating that over and over well SHE SAID SHE SAID SHE SAID.


I love the way Homer McDonald put it in his book "Stop Your Divorce". He said women almost always have a friend on the outside that's jealous of her relationship and encourages them to divorce. So we can both agree here that your wife's friend is encouraging her to do things that as a result leave your child neglected? Can you gather proof within the next month or so?

Listen, the way you're going to get your wife back is by attacking her toxic friend and make her irresponsible support system go away. What I'm thinking here, and this is devious but will work:FIREdevil:, is you have her grandpa subpoena her friend as a witness to child neglect once you have evidence and make her friend testify in court. 

This will piss off your wife, but she won't be pissed at you:smthumbup:..... This will keep her from turning to her grandpa for support and may also help your wife get her sh!t in gear if she doesn't want CPS to take her daughter away. And it just may be the thing to keep her friend away because she won't want to get in more legal trouble.

But if she does have to go to court and your wife is facing child neglect with a mountain of evidence...... put it like this. Who is Judge Judy going to yell at more? You, the father trying to support his daughter and worried over her health. Or is it going to be the aging party monster encouraging your wife to drop everything and give her all her attention. Or is it going to be the wife who's letting her three year old daughter do whatever she wants while she's drinking. And I think your wife is lying about who take care of her..... for alll you know she could be leaving her alone or with friends she doesn't even know.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> for alll you know she could be leaving her alone or with friends she doesn't even know.


She's told me several times she's left her in the "care" of these "friends" while she had to go to work, she told me as it was going on and I didn't at the time know where they lived but had I known at the time I would have went and gotten our daughter myself and brought her home. I did read "Stop Your Divorce" and it was an excellent book with tons of very helpful information.

My thoughts have been scattered and writing down notes has made me remember things she's said during all of this. Things such as "I don't want CPS to take MY daughter away from me. I don't want them to think I am a bad mother or neglecting our daughter, all I did was leave her with some friends a couple of days while I worked and let her play with other kids. I wouldn't leave her with people who would hurt her." and the more I think about that one statement the more it's made me realize she's trying to make herself feel better about what she did and trying to get me to tell her what she did wasn't wrong.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES!

Cooljay, are you making excuses or exceptions for her bad behavior? CPS doesn't necessarily have to be involved but the courts do! You said it yourself she is not taking proper care of her daughter. Let me put it like this.....

Would you like me to tell you a story about a little girl who was sexualy molested by a baby sitter when she was FOUR YEARS OLD? That woman now has severe BPD and depression so bad that she can't hold a job or a committed relationship. She has to rely on what little she can get from social security and can't live alone. So she has to have her son come visit her and make sure she doesn't try to commit suicide again or fall asleep with lit cigarettes and burn the house down. I'm talking about by mother!


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES!
> 
> Cooljay, are you making excuses or exceptions for her bad behavior? CPS doesn't necessarily have to be involved but the courts do! You said it yourself she is not taking proper care of her daughter.


No exceptions and no excuses from me. Every little detail is getting written down and any conversation we have will be voice recorded from now on. Already have a recording from yesterday. No way will I let my daughter stay over anymore at those "friends" house.

I want is best for our daughter and if that means I have to get CPS involved I will, I'm not going to let her treat our daughter that way and leaving our daughter with strangers, no.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Good man!

Now do your homework on the legal system for your city. Look online tonight and call some free legal assistance agencies for advice tomorrow. Do whatever you can to SLAM her ass in court with as much evidence as possible. More than likely CPS may come over and make an assesment that scares the sh!t out of everyone there. If the CPS demands are not met, she may lose custody, have to go to parental training, face jail time, or be court ordered to give sobriety and drug tests while under house arrest.

That being said I like the idea of subpoenaing her friend into testifying in court on behalf of your wife, with your wife there defending her self. This will force her to see how her actions are affecting her dughter and how her friend is poion. Judges face these people all the time and can just smell bad parenting and liars. So as long as you make a good impression and have documented evidence of you taking good care of her...... I ust don't see your wife or her friend getting off without getting chewed out and losing something.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Working on finding some legal services in the area. Seems a lot of legal services that are free don't want to touch family law, if I can't find any free service I'll go out and get a lawyer.

Slept great last night, first night of actually sleeping since this all began and this morning I feel GREAT! She had gotten these dark curtains that block out the light which is fine in summer when it's hot but makes things look dreary inside, I opened them up today and opened up the shades to allow the sun to come in and it just feels great. A lot less depressing than sitting "in the dark" that's for sure!

She's off work today has our daughter and her grandparents come home tonight but in the mean time I've got things I need to get done for well me. I haven't felt this energized and this well...happy and great in a LONG time!


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Her grandparents came in about 11:30 AM - Noon time. Twice already our daughter has run off from up there to down here without anyone watching her one time even while mom was standing right there watching her as she run off and didn't even bother to try and catch her. Our daughter was driving her little battery powered vehicle and she drove down here with the stbxw following her, stbxw looked mad and upset she had to watch and play with our daughter. Was walking around with her arms crossed and a mad/upset look on her face.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Great! Your wife is pissed off that she has to be a mom. Keep pissing her off by holding her up to normal parental standards and not backing down.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Great! Your wife is pissed off that she has to be a mom. Keep pissing her off by holding her up to normal parental standards and not backing down.


Yup. Me, the wife, her grandmother, grandfather and my father all sat down up there this evening and he talked to all of us and I was nodding along and agreeing with him (hey, he is right and he has more life experience than me!) but the wife on the other hand was sitting in the chair arms crossed, mad look on her face and crying not saying 1 word. Soon as he was done talking she got up and went to the room she's staying in and shut the door. Didn't even check on our daughter or anything just up and walked off. So our daughter is staying the night here, which I don't mind one bit as I've got her on a pretty solid routine now.

She expected her grandfather to tell me to get out and when he didn't that just pissed her off even more. Now I've been respecting her space and privacy at her grandparents by knocking and not just walking in whenever I pleased but today she came to the house to get some clothes and stuff and didn't bother to knock or call and let me know she was coming, she just barged right on in.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Whatever you're doing.... keep doing it!

I can tell you from experience the little girl will rage on until she runs out of steam, all the while making her friends and family question her sanity. If they see you're a good man trying to do the right thing they will defend you. I mean even the MIL who hated me at first and believed her daughters story about me beating and raping her, she took my side and apologized then chewed her out. I'm sure you have a parenting book or too, use those for reference (but I prefer dog training manuals). 

She will try anyhing to get attention and get her own way, but so long as you keep ignoring her (180 for example) she will calm down eventually...... and then you can reward her with your approval (small doses), just like how the trashy friend is doing with her. Give her a pack of cigarettes and a compliment "I know this hasn't been easy and I really appreciate how sweet you've been with all of us." But say it at a time when she's been good for a while or else she'll see won't believe you. Maybe when she starts acting right *cough PAVLOV* you can get her to jonesin to bee a good mom:rofl: 

Oh, btw look up any information you can on cult deprogramming from the lat few decades. It's pretty much the same stuff, except for pre 1980 when it was ok to lock up the cult member and beat the sh!t out of them while telling them how wrong they are for believing how they want. The new stuff has more to do with positive reinforcements aka dog, dolphin, child training...... but so gentle and passive that the deprogramee never knows he's being manipulated. I hear they give cookies and let you have whaever you want to eat so long as you let them tell you about a fantastic solution too all of your problems..... no wait, that was the scientologist meeting I went to:rofl:


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Had our daughter over night again. She wanted to come to the house with me after we got done talking at the wife's grandparents so I brought her down here. Had a blast and we did the nightly schedule and got her in bed and she knocked out. Wife's grandma called about 10:30 PM asking if our daughter was asleep or if I was going to bring her back up there, told her she was asleep already and I'd keep her down here tonight that I didn't mind one bit. Was a bit of a rough night as she woke up quite a few times through the night but hey that's all part of raising a child and I don't mind one single bit.

Got up this morning and was nice to have the sun shining on the blinds although they were closed still let morning sunshine in and it was nice instead of having the blackout curtains over the windows. She woke up changed her diaper (she was getting diaper rash some yesterday, this morning all cleared up. Imagine that.) and got her ready for the day. We went outside and she played for awhile and took her up to spend time with the wife. The wife has hardly spent much time with her this week and hasn't even bothered to call and ask if I could bring her up so she could spend time with her. She's still pouting and upset today from last night.

So got the day "off" well not really, with the little one gone it's time to clean house and get things done that need to be done (and that list NEVER ends LOL) but over all I'm feeling great, the depression I had before even all this started is going away and over all I just feel like a brand new person and it feels great.

Well that's today's update.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Spent some more time with our daughter this evening and took her to wife's grandparents, daughter didn't want to go (she wants to stay down here at home) but I told her she has to spend some time with mommy. The wife has barely spent any time with the little one this week though I'm not complaining but I am waiting to hear what excuse she'll eventually tell me.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Now if only you could find a place where all the single mommies will swoon over a DILF taking great care of a precious little girl. Maybe a "mommy & me" or a pilates class, or ohh! PINK BERRY take her to Pink Berry or any little novelty bakery where women cheat on their diets, and spoil her..... but you know really play up the "[daughter] is the greatest thing to ever happen to me" act, and see if you can find another soon-to-be divorced or already divorced woman, preferably a single mom, you can spend your time with. If anyone will understand what you're going through she will.

Is it wrong maybe, but it will piss off your wife enough that she'll do anything to keep you and your daughter. Believe you me, women can't stand it when another woman appreciates the man the didn't want. It's like they get rid of a brainwashed cultist and then steam over their loss when they find out he's doing all the things she could ever dream of out of love for another woman. It's like those "we buy ugly houses" people, except instead realestate agents purchasing ugly houses it's women who appreciate men who cook, clean, and know exactly what to say because they've been trained by hardcore b!tches. I guess what I'm tryin to say is that you're a veteran of b!tchy bootcamp.

My point is even if you're marriage is utterly unreconcilable, which I don't think it is, you're still going to benefit no matter what happens. Single dads who put as much effort into raising their daughters as you do don't seem to stay single for very long. At least from what I've seen.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I don't care if she doesn't talk to me or acts all pissed off because she can't just run around whenever she wants anymore due to her grandparents being back home and her staying with them but don't take it out on our daughter. Our daughter came down here today and I was in the middle of working on things around the house so had to stop in the middle of doing things which I don't mind and we played and had fun for about 3 hours or so and it started getting dark and late and took her back to be with mommy tonight.

She went inside and wanted me to come in so I followed our daughter in and wife's grandparents offered me dinner. Played some more with our daughter the whole time wife just sitting/laying on the bed in the spare room reading a book (which she has been doing all day) and me and the little one are playing and laughing, having a great time and our daughter goes and "tags" mommy and she reluctantly gets up after almost a minute and just stands in the same spot almost the whole time. Then just sits on the floor and semi plays with our daughter not really even seeming to be interested! I didn't say a word as that's eventually going to be between the wife and her grandparents but our daughter didn't want to stay up there again and tried to run out the door which I had to hold close and after about a minute she finally gets up off the floor and comes and gets our daughter meanwhile I'm trying to keep her from running out the door while holding a plate in the other hand.

For someone who was making such a huge deal out of not wanting anyone to take our daughter from her, she sure doesn't seem like she wants to even mess with her now that she actually has to take care of her and can't just have her "friends" watch our daughter! I've had the windows open all day and been outside most of the day as it was a wonderful day outside and didn't hear the wife outside playing with our daughter.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Phew am I wore out, but in a good way! I've wanted to lose some weight for awhile now and I'm getting that chance more than ever chasing our daughter around the yard and just playing with her outside. Yesterday she saw ants climbing along a tree and told me they were having a parade which made me laugh and just smile.

She went to Sunday School with great-grandma this morning, first time in 2 weeks and I know she's probably happy to see her friends and play. Was trying to get the porch finished as far as getting it stained to protect it before it rains, but didn't quite get it done yesterday with our daughter coming over but don't mind it one bit. Still working on things around the house which is keeping me very occupied.

Haven't really spent much time on the computer at all for a week now which is well great for me, other than posting updates on here, checking my email and maybe spending a little time watching a video or two on Hulu that's about all I want to do anymore. I went to college for a degree in the computer field so computers were my thing but I've realized that our daughter is way way way more important.

Yesterday I took a break for lunch and was watching a show on the computer and didn't even get 15 minutes into the show before I paused it and went off doing things around the house again and it feels absolutely wonderful! The best cure for my depression, my stress and my anxiety has come in one small but wonderful package and that's my daughter and I wouldn't want it any other way.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Changed the locks out today. Decided that I don't feel comfortable leaving the house with her still having keys to the locks. I don't mind if she needs something but she wants me to give her space and privacy yet still be able to barge in the house whenever she wants, well not gonna happen! I want my space and privacy too without worrying about her busting in the door and deciding to take things without me even knowing.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Found some texts from the wife to this friend of hers (the husband of this woman who's giving her all these ideas) that was done through an app and was going to talk to her about them but she wasn't at grandma and grandpa's. She told them she had a meeting tonight at work and I found her over at her "friends" place and showed her the printed out texts. She of course got PISSED and asked me where did I get those and am I spying on her now?! etc. etc. She said she was pissed and how would I like it if I did the same to you and I told her bluntly I wouldn't care at this stage of things.

She said well I really want the house now, told her it's not going to happen and she of course threatened to have her grandfather get me off the land because it's his land etc. etc. he's done told my father that I pay the bills here and that's what matters and he couldn't afford to pay for it. She goes "Don't think that little talk my grandfather had the other day means anything to me.", how freaking selfish of a brat can she get?! Another funny thing is she goes you better not give these to my grandpa (printed out texts, she kept the copy I took with me oh but many more can be made) because if you do I'll know it was you. You can bet he's going to get a copy. She also told me not to touch her things when I offered to pack her stuff up for her. Well, things will be packed tonight.

So instead of being at home right now with our child she's hanging out with these "friends". Sounds like mom of the year material let me tell ya! When I told her our daughter wanted to spend time with her tonight and wanted to sleep with her she just shrugged and said I've played with her. Well if she's played with her, why is our daughter coming to my house wanting to play and doesn't want to leave? I think I'll just start letting our daughter stay with me as long as she wants. I told stbxw that I would keep our daughter tomorrow night and she just looks away shrugs and says OK I don't care.

Talk about being so selfish in all of this.


----------



## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

Haha, wow, what a gal. You are an inspiration sir! Keep up the good work!


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

SCondeck said:


> Haha, wow, what a gal. You are an inspiration sir! Keep up the good work!


I go to MC in the morning, might go ahead and file for custody of our daughter tomorrow or at least get all the forms needed. She's told me she wanted me to spend more time with her outside of the room, so I did one night when she got back from her friends house (late) and she (lied) about the reason she was late (lost track of time) so I didn't get mad I just chilled and talked with her, the whole time she was texting one of the friends and she goes "oh he's still talking...BORING! ha ha." and another a few texts later: "he's sitting right here...still talking. trying to get him to go into his room then I will call." and mind you this was all 3-4 days before she told me she wanted a divorce so seems it didn't matter at all she'd already made her mind set. Oh well, her grandfather will be pissed off at her and I wouldn't be surprised if he kicks her out of their house! I had to laugh when she told me tonight "I've already had several guys give me their numbers, but I threw them away." like she's trying to make me be jealous of her I just laughed and said OK.

She keeps telling everyone I'm not like my mom! Well her mom got a divorce and after that her mom just didn't care anymore and hopped from place to place and had many one night stands and sitting/laying around all day or just sitting around at other peoples houses not caring what her daughter did...any of this starting to sound familiar? Yeah, she's doing the exact same thing. Not being mean to the stbxw but facts are facts!


----------



## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

So let me get this straight, she was texting those things about YOU!? Her husband whom she's cheated on is SO boring, LOL. Really? The woman sounds posessed! Maybe you should call a Priest. Anyone who can do something horrible to another person and not feel the slightest remorse is evil. I don't want to be mean either but that woman is evil! You're doing the right thing in distancing yourself from her.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

And the icing on the cake goes to her "friend" who says "I don't want you to take (our daughter's name) away from me!" to which she responds "Don't worry I won't and no one else will either over my dead body." like ok WTF? I'm seriously thinking of filing for emergency custody as I don't want her taking our daughter anywhere near these people and she's in no state of mind right now to be making decisions regarding our daughter.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Getting all the custody forms filled out today and will be talking to my MC about it also. Since she values her friends more than her marriage, her husband, her daughter AND her grandparents well she can go live with them in their already cramped trailer. She says there is nothing at all going on and they are all just friends, fine their your friends but there is a thin line between being a friend and being obsessive and they've crossed it big time.

One thing is for sure though, she's not allowed to take our daughter anywhere near any of them, at all. If she spends time with our daughter and doesn't want to do it at home, she can do it at her grandparents since I can't trust her anymore. She tells everyone stop treating me like I'm 16 and in my head I've been saying to myself a lot lately well stop acting like you're 16 and maybe everyone would treat you like an adult LOL.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

cooljay said:


> Getting all the custody forms filled out today and will be talking to my MC about it also. Since she values her friends more than her marriage, her husband, her daughter AND her grandparents well she can go live with them in their already cramped trailer. She says there is nothing at all going on and they are all just friends, fine their your friends but there is a thin line between being a friend and being obsessive and they've crossed it big time.
> 
> One thing is for sure though, she's not allowed to take our daughter anywhere near any of them, at all. If she spends time with our daughter and doesn't want to do it at home, she can do it at her grandparents since I can't trust her anymore. She tells everyone stop treating me like I'm 16 and in my head I've been saying to myself a lot lately well stop acting like you're 16 and maybe everyone would treat you like an adult LOL.


Are there drugs involved?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Are there drugs involved?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be quite honest I have no idea but with these "friends" of hers it wouldn't surprise me.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm just saying...her need to be with these people over and above the motherly instinct of caring for her child, that's a red flag for substance abuse. 

Bet you anything she's hooked on smack or meth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Called up to the stbxw's grandparents let her grandma know I'll be picking up my daughter around 3-3:30 today as my MC appointment was rescheduled. So stbxw just decided to knock on the door and barge in once I opened the door.

I asked her kindly to please wait outside the room and I would get the things she asked for, well she barged right on into the room with this little smirk on her face and I asked her again politely to please wait outside the room and she goes "NO. I don't HAVE to." and she starts digging through our important papers and where I've been keeping my notes and she's getting all angry because I have printed out copies of the text messages to this "friend" and she grabs the envelope my notes and they are in out of my hand and I ask her several times to please give them back they are my notes and not hers. She keeps backing away from me and trying to look through the envelope and she's bumping into things while backing up and trying to look at the same time and at one point she holds it out long enough for me to get a hand on it before she jerks it away and rips the envelope.

She eventually throws them down and says "You can have your d**n notes!" and she keeps going on and on about how this is her grandfather's land and she's going to get me kicked off of it when she tells him about the text messages I found and how she's so sorry I'm jealous of her friends and that I have no friends.

She also was going on and on about "how great a show you're putting on! Why couldn't you have put on this great of a show while we were married?" I told her it's not a show and that I was going to be like this while we were married as I had been working hard to change myself and it took time (she expected it to be snap your fingers instant) but hey I'm happy that I've been changing and it's not a show at all. Her "friends" told stbxw to tell me if I set foot on their property they'll have me arrested for trespassing.

She was saying I was acting like an a**hole and being a brat and on and on with the name calling. I'm just smiling and shrugging not letting any of it get to me at all. Let her throw stones, I know she's just trying to rattle me up and try and get me to argue with her. I've been at home taking care of things around the house doing things her grandfather has asked me to do, taking care of our child, making sure bills are paid.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

It's like she's gone off the deep end. I'm trying to be civil about all this and she says she is too and being "peaceful" about it but yet, I'm the one minding my own business and only talking to her when I need to but yet she feels the need to barge into the house and "my life" whenever she wants. It's like she really doesn't understand the concept of a separation or she thinks the rules only apply to her and not me because she's a woman and I'm a man. She's told me several times also that because she's a woman and the mother of our child that she will automatically get the house. She has a very very flawed skew on how things work in real life and only goes by what her "friends" tell her.

Is this just another tactic by her to try and rattle me up and for her to find "fault" for wanting a divorce? It sure seems like she's trying to do something to ease her guilt of all this.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well you better show the grandparents the texts now and get a var and keep it with you sounds like she is trying to set you up.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Well you better show the grandparents the texts now and get a var and keep it with you sounds like she is trying to set you up.


Yeah I've got several copies of the texts printed out and I was going to show her grandpa this afternoon when he gets home, her grandma doesn't want to get in the middle of all this but I'm trying to keep her informed of everything too. I do have a var but didn't have it on this time as I thought it might have been her grandma bringing our daughter down here.

I've already changed the locks on the house so at least I don't have to worry about her barging in while I'm gone to the MC meeting and I bet that will piss her off also but hey she wanted a separation and this is what happens.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

saw the MC today and he said since it doesn't sound like she's willing to change that we will work on me and what I'd like for myself. After what she did today I'm really thinking over do I want this person back in my life if they are acting like that? She took her and our daughters birth certificates and social security cards. She still hasn't gotten the WIC for our daughter and she told me I was doing a great job keeping up the act I've been doing the past week or so lol but it's no act and I've become a better person just fixing my own issues and being with my daughter.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Drugs. Betcha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

No telling with her right now it's possible. Just got the little one tucked in and asleep. She "read" me a story and laid down and I laid down to make sure she fell asleep and as I'm laying there she puts her arm around my neck and pats my back and whispers in the sweetest voice "I love you daddy" now that right there had tears welling up in my eyes from the shear joy and happiness.

The stbxw hasn't been taking care of herself from what I could tell and honestly that's her problem not mine anymore. Our daughter has diaper rash again from being with the stbxw. Most of the time when I go to check on our daughter (and no the stbxw has not come to check on nor bothered to call and check on our daughter at all today) at her grandparents most of the time the stbxw's grandma is watching our daughter while stbxw sits in the room! I might not have a lot of money to take our daughter out somewhere every day but that doesn't stop me from taking our daughter outside and playing chase, tag, running around looking at bugs and lizards, digging for treasure and the list goes on and on. I make up our own fun time and our daughter LOVES it. Today we played for almost 5 hours straight.

Whenever I see our daughter outside at the stbxw's grandparents usually it's with the stbxw's grandparents. She threatened me yet again with the "this is my grandfather's land, I'll have him kick you out!" deal again. Which her grandma and grandfather told me not to worry about that at all. They are more worried about her getting upset at them and taking our daughter who knows where.

I got all the court papers filled out I needed to as far as child custody I just need to get them notarized and turned in to the clerk of court and do the whole serving process with the sheriff's office. The whole custody thing scares me but yet at the same time I don't want our daughter being with her in the state she is in and I'm scared if when she gets served she'll freak out and run with our daughter and I do honestly believe she is capable of doing that even though she says she won't, she's already proven that her word can't be trusted anymore.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If the STBXW isn't taking care of herself or her daughter, this is the biggest sign of substance abuse. I hate to quit harping on this Cooljay, but if your wife has fallen into drug abuse she is putting your daughter at risk. 

You need to quit reacting and start being more proactive. Get to the bottom of what is going on. Have you been to the trailer where your wife is staying? Have you seen what is going on there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> If the STBXW isn't taking care of herself or her daughter, this is the biggest sign of substance abuse. I hate to quit harping on this Cooljay, but if your wife has fallen into drug abuse she is putting your daughter at risk.
> 
> You need to quit reacting and start being more proactive. Get to the bottom of what is going on. Have you been to the trailer where your wife is staying? Have you seen what is going on there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been there but I haven't been inside but from what I could tell it didn't look like anything drug wise was going on and they are suppose to have a very picky landlord who won't tolerate any of that stuff going on.

They've told my stbxw to tell me if I come on their "property" again they'll have me arrested for trespassing which law enforcement has already warned me once about when I went over there to check on our daughter and called them so they could come out to help me at least check on our daughter, but I was told by law enforcement I had to leave.

About the only thing I really see going on with the stbxw is her mental state. Honestly it wasn't the best before any of this even begun which is why I think she was so "open" to this woman telling her how the stbxw should feel. She's been depressed and blames me, said she never had to be on anti-depressants when she was younger but she was on them during our child's pregnancy and after our daughter was born she stopped taking them and was put back on them a couple months ago.

As far as her taking care of herself she'd kinda just let things go before any of this really started and a lot of it comes from her mom not really caring about her taking care of herself and her mom was not there a lot of the time and she would be left by herself when she was older.

So it seems that there are a lot of emotional scares still eating away at her but she won't open up to anyone about any of it, not even her own grandparents. She also tends to run away from her feelings such as when I'd ask her what was wrong and to talk to me when she would be upset she would tell me she didn't want to talk about it and would just drive off to the lake instead of actually talking to me about things.

I've begun to realize these past couple of days just how much she hasn't told me about what emotions and feelings are eating her from the inside out and I honestly feel like if she doesn't get true professional help soon she will end up just getting worse and worse as far as her mental state goes.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I agree with bandit on this one, I think she's partying like a rock star and attending the church of crystal-methodists. Something aint right with that woman.

Hey! See if you can pull a "K-fed". Tell her you know she's on drugs and threaten to have her hair tested in a custody case. It stays in the hair follicles for years so there's no way to beat the test other than shave your hair clean off. So tell her that you want a voluntary sample and want to do this without her being forced by the courts (but do it in front of her grandparents). $100 says she either shaves her head clean the next day or runs away again. Either way if she is partying, like I believe so, she'll be busted and/or bald. 

Come to think of it, the chilly 57 deg temp makes more since now that she's probably sweating out meth or cocaine at night. Think about it.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

I'm not ruling it out. As far as getting pro-active what do you mean exactly? MC already said not to become a stalker LOL.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

After our daughter woke up and we played a bit she wanted to go visit her great-grandma which was fine, gave me time to do things around the house this evening. Well I got to thinking, why is my stbxw saying all these things the past couple of days? And then it clicked, she's trying to find a reason to go "SEE! I told you he was a bad guy!!" and she is PISSED that I haven't fallen for it in all the times she's been trying. She is trying to justify why she left and without me getting angry or upset at her it's just pissing her off that she can't point the finger at me. That's why she told me about the whole trespassing thing yesterday so they can say "Well officer, we told him to stay away and he didn't." because these "friends" and the stbxw know that if I was to go over there (and I have no reason to anyways) and they asked me to leave I would. That's what is pissing my stbxw off and why she's acting the way she is, she's trying to get me to react so she has a reason for leaving.

Yesterday evening I was talking to her grandma and she asked if I called her husband about her coming down here and the text messages I found. Nope I didn't call him at all, turns out the stbxw called him and was trying to cast me in a bad light about the whole texts thing because before she left the house she threatened me with the whole "this is my grandfathers land and you will have to leave" thing and with her grandma and grandpa not going to "kick me off the land" it's really pissing the stbxw off. She's pissed that I won't just give up and leave, she's pissed because her grandparents won't "kick me off the land", she's pissed that everything these "friends" tell her to do end up just blowing up in her face.

So in short, she's looking for some reason to blame me for leaving and she's trying to get me to react to what she's saying and get angry/upset at her so she can have her reason for leaving. That's also the reason she's not really doing much with our daughter, she's trying to get me to just get upset/angry that she's not because she knows I care very much about our daughter, so once again she can have her reason for leaving me.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go to Wal Mart and buy a digital VAR and keep it hidden on your person when you are with her. Record her outbursts. Stay calm at all times. Record everything she says and download those recordings to a secure computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Go to Wal Mart and buy a digital VAR and keep it hidden on your person when you are with her. Record her outbursts. Stay calm at all times. Record everything she says and download those recordings to a secure computer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's one of the first things I did once it was suggested on here right after this all started and I keep it with me and also keep a backup on a online backup service she doesn't know about nor do I keep easy passwords.

I was going over what happened yesterday and breaking everything down and realized that every time I did not yell/get upset/get angry/get defensive (Thanks to Stop Your Divorce!) it made her even more angry and trying something else to try and get to me.

I've been staying calm, not getting upset at her or anything. I didn't even get upset at her about the texts, I simply just asked her about them to clear a few things up for me before I talked to my MC, and once again when I didn't argue with her about it and simply told her thank you for clearing that up for me and it has thrown her off balance as she doesn't expect that from me but rather expects me to get defensive.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good going. 

You gotta play smart with an unstable person like this. And I think as the days go by you will slowly see yourself detaching from her more and more, and looking at everything more objectively. 

Keep the VAR working. If your 180 is making her this mad, eventually she's going to go off the rails on you. Make sure you do not instigate or provoke a fight. You wont need to.....its coming. Just wait. She may get violent.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Planned to have a "lazy day" today as I've been cleaning the whole house and doing things that needed done for the past week or so. Woke up and went to finish cleaning the oven that had sat overnight with oven cleaner, start wiping it up and get 1 or 2 wipes in when my phone starts ringing and it's the stbxw grandma and on a haunch I look out the kitchen window and sure enough my daughter is standing outside near her stuff and it's only 50F outside and she has no coat on. So I go outside not even really dressed for outside myself and it's pretty chilly outside.

I let her play a few minutes in the sandbox and bring her in. She told me mommy was at work, stbxw hasn't told me or given me a paper with this weeks work schedule on it so I have no idea when she goes in as her schedule changes quite frequently. She has the same clothes on as I had gotten her dressed in yesterday and I asked her if she had a bath last night and she told me "Not yet".

I don't mind our daughter being down here at all but it would be nice to know in advance instead of just having your 3 year old daughter standing around outside the house! So much for my "day off" LOL.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Call Child Protective Services and report it. What if she had walked out in the street and got hit by a car?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What kind of trailer trash woman did you marry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> What kind of trailer trash woman did you marry?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's what I'm starting to wonder. I know it's all part of the stbxw's plan to try and rattle my cage enough for me to get angry at her but I'm not going to let it. Yes it upsets me but I'm not going to go getting angry and yelling at her as that's what she wants.

Her grandparents are good people but her mom is well...apparently not all there in the head and this has apparently affected stbxw and even though she says "I wish everyone would stop comparing me to my mom. I'm not my mom." she's acting more and more like it every day that passes now.

I didn't really know her mom all that well only met her a few times but had I known the history of everything which I've just been finding out slowly over the past month because they don't talk about it well the more I hear I'm like well no wonder she's acting the way she is, she sees her mom do it and thinks it's OK to act that way.

Stbxw's vehicle was up at her grandparents when our daughter decided she wanted to go see the cat there. Well it's still a bit chilly in the shade not too bad in the sun though so get her up there and she's running around great-grandma goes in to get her a jacket and I'm carrying her back towards the house and she goes inside. I start walking back home turn around and see our daughter deciding she wanted to go back outside and great-grandma chasing her down to put her coat on. I stand there and watch to make sure everything is ok which great-grandma tells me it is. Where is stbxw in all of this? No idea but our daughter did tell me she didn't want to go back inside and watch TV she wants to play outside.

Stbxw is trying so hard to use our daughter against me and trying to get me to argue with her over it and it's sad that she's doing that. It's hurting her daughter and it's affecting the way everyone sees her. I know her grandma cares so very much about our daughter but I can also see that she's getting frustrated that stbxw isn't doing anything to help out.

I mean yeah I'm tired as I've been busting my a** to clean up the house, fix things around the house, playing with our daughter, waking up throughout the night to take care of her when she gets scared, but I'm not going to sit here if our daughter wants to play more or come down here and go well I can't watch her/play with her I'm too tired, which is something the stbxw says if she works for a couple of hours.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

cooljay said:


> Stbxw is trying so hard to use our daughter against me and trying to get me to argue with her over it and it's sad that she's doing that. It's hurting her daughter and it's affecting the way everyone sees her. *I know her grandma cares so very much about our daughter but *I can also see that she's getting frustrated that stbxw isn't doing anything to help out.


Then why did she drive off and leave a baby standing out in the cold outside your house? 

Cooljay are you learning disabled or something? Or are you just that dense?


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Then why did she drive off and leave a baby standing out in the cold outside your house?
> 
> Cooljay are you learning disabled or something? Or are you just that dense?


She didn't drive off she went inside and called me to tell me she was over here. Stbxw's grandma will watch her and keep an eye on her from her porch and yes I know it's still wrong to do and I'm not giving excuses and stbxw should be out there with our daughter especially if she's walking over here. I'm documenting everything that's going on and will be contacting CPS about what is going on also.

There's a lot going on "behind the scenes" so to speak that I'm not really putting on the forums .


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

cooljay said:


> She didn't drive off she went inside and called me to tell me she was over here. *Stbxw's grandma will watch her and keep an eye on her from her porch* and yes I know it's still wrong to do and I'm not giving excuses and stbxw should be out there with our daughter especially if she's walking over here. I'm documenting everything that's going on and will be contacting CPS about what is going on also.
> 
> There's a lot going on "behind the scenes" so to speak that I'm not really putting on the forums .


Oh my God in heaven! 

Cooljay....call CPS. This is fvcking insanity!


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

cooljay said:


> There's a lot going on "behind the scenes" so to speak that I'm not really putting on the forums .


Speaking of this,did you ever find out why the grandfather was so adamant about that guy and the others not come around his house?


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Nothing really new today. *I've been in contact with CPS bandit. I don't want to post everything about that on here as I'm sure you can understand. That's why I said things are going on in the background.* I've got a migraine so taking it easy today, and to be quite honest I do need a break as I've been busting my butt that past couple of weeks non-stop other than a small break here and there for maybe an hour or so.

As for why the grandfather doesn't like the guy, well this guy apparently doesn't think and isn't quite all there so he does things without really thinking of the consequences and the stbxw's grandfather doesn't want him around because stbxw thinks what this guy says/suggests whatever is A-OK and she'll listen to both this guy and his wife. Her grandfather knows that she's very open to listening to these idiots right now and will just take whatever they say at face value without thinking for herself. Yes, it makes me REALLY think if I really want her back or not, I don't want someone who apparently will take what others say for granted but won't even listen to her own husband.

Stbxw's grandparents are being very nice and supportive of me, still treating me as part of the family which is nice. Haven't been served with anything yet. We can't be divorced until a year of separation anyways and I have a feeling within the next month or two she'll be wanting to come back, if I let her back or not is an entirely different question.

She told me when this all started she was going to get another job to pay for the house as she knew somewhere she could work and knew a friend there she use to work with, hasn't happened. She actually had it made when we lived together as I was always providing her and our daughter with things they wanted, and now that's all gone. I still get things for our daughter but as for the stbxw well she's on her own.

Also stbxw hasn't come to get her things yet either and I've told her several times I don't mind if she comes to get her things. Yes she's taken a few things such as a few of our daughters clothes and her work clothes but when it comes to the rest of her belongings they are still here. I'm really tempted to pack them all up already.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Going to be filing for custody within the next few business days. Found out the stbxw told her grandma she was taking our daughter to McDonald's to play because our daughter wanted to come play in her sandbox and stbxw didn't want to come down here. Well they went to McDonald's but also found out from our child this evening that she took our child to these "friends" house again which she lied to her grandma about.

Saw the woman who was giving advice to stbxw drive by really slow earlier and then speed off. Going to see what all I can do about emergency custody. Apparently the stbxw hasn't learned a thing these past couple of weeks that these people are not looking out for her or her best interest and are only trying to wreck her life and our marriage and since she's too blind to see it, it's time for a reality check for her.

I'm done hoping maybe she'll snap back to reality and realize what she is doing to not just me, but her own daughter and her grandparents but maybe the only way will be once she loses it all.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Just an update, stbxw called the cable company last Monday when she was throwing her fit to try and get me to argue with her which I still refuse to do and keep everything calm and civil whenever I need to talk to her and had them come out and disconnect the service, which I now have back on and in my name. She expected me to argue with her probably about her doing it, I haven't said one word about it and won't either. Been sick since Friday afternoon so let stbxw know that I was sick and didn't want our little one to catch it so asked her to watch her over the weekend and until I'm feeling better.

Went to stbxw's grandparents and checked on the little one, she was so excited to see me and I was glad to see her as I've missed her since I got sick. Stbxw didn't seem all too happy and said she's getting sick with what I have. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to see the counselor today and instead of her arguing and saying no and that it won't help etc. she simply let me know she wasn't feeling well. I can understand that as this stuff makes you feel horrible, but possibly some progress there. I wasn't being cold to her and asked her again to be sure before I left to get ready she was sure about not coming with me (wasn't being pushy or saying she should come etc. just simply making sure before I left) and she said she was sure that she didn't feel all that well.

For someone who told me they were unhappy being with me and after separating how she didn't feel "trapped" anymore and felt "happy" she sure hasn't seemed happy and "not trapped" these past couple of days! Even when I talked to her Friday morning and simply let her know I didn't mind if her and our daughter came down to play with her toys outside that I'd stay inside and let them play.

I've not let anything she has done bother me, not argued with her, simply just let her be and ya know what, I believe it's working. I'm no longer the "bad guy", no longer the person she can point a finger at and blame everything on, I'm not plan B, I'M HAPPY, I'm making the best of what I have, I'm not arguing with her even when she tries to do things to make me mad, and most importantly I'm spending as much time as I can with our daughter and making sure she has what she needs and is happy.

So yeah said it would be short but once again got on a roll.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Saw the MC again today and he said this is basically a case of "I married too young and had a kid and I want to be a kid again" sort of thing. Since we married young he said it sounds like she wants to still be young and stay out late with friends without having anyone to say no.

Now that she's left here she has no where to stay except her grandparents and she has to abide by their rules for their home. She's been just walking around looking all sad whenever I see her up there, guess that grass truly isn't greener on the other side!

I've just been doing my own thing and the MC gave me kudos, he said usually a guy in my situation is crying and all depressed and he said it was refreshing and nice to actually have someone who was mentally healthy in this type of situation and that I am doing the right thing by being upbeat, keeping myself happy and doing my own thing and not letting myself crumble. Thanks to everyone on this forum and the book!

He also told me it's a good idea to start planning and being ready for moving on, to which I agreed with him and I have been planning that the past couple of days. He said there will of course be rough days but that's what he is there for and if I needed to I could call him.

All I've done is ask her to watch our child a day or two while I was feeling sick which she agreed. I've checked on her and played with her some today as I'm feeling slightly better and said they can bring her down here any time after I got back from my appointment with the MC if she/they want to.

Also I've lost weight which I am so proud of myself for doing! Just by simply being happy and active. Also helps to have a daughter who wants you to chase her everywhere lol. Pretty much all of my clothes are getting too big for me now, I'm even eating regularly and everything. That's also made me feel a lot better both physically and emotionally.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Going to spend more time outside again tomorrow, hopefully I'm better tomorrow as far as being sick goes. Some of the nicest weather here lately and it looks so beautiful outside with all the leaves changing colors and falling it's too nice to not be outside and enjoying it.

Things seem so much more colorful I guess to me since I've started working on myself and it has been a long time since I've ever felt so truly happy with myself and to be quite honest making me happy has made me feel a lot happier than I could have hoped. Playing with my daughter outside and just spending so much time with her is so wonderful and brings such a huge smile to my face now.

Yes it's still rough sometimes and the emotions still flow in every now and again but with the help from here, the book suggested in the thread and the counselor I am seeing it's really opened my eyes and made me a better person over all and for that I just want to tell everyone who has helped me on here so far THANK YOU.

I'm not abandoning the thread or leaving the site and will continue to post updates but I wanted to thank everyone so far who has helped me on here and has truly made me a better person over all.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Went outside this morning to do some things outside and saw stbxw with our daughter outside they hadn't been out but maybe a minute or two and our daughter saw me and yelled "DADDY!!!!" and came running at me as I went to her and gave me a big smile and hug, stbxw went in as soon as me and our daughter started walking back to the house. Was still a bit cool outside not too bad but the grass was still damp with dew so I surprised her inside with her pumpkin which we got to coloring on. I was taking some pictures and our daughter decided to play camera girl and started taking a whole bunch of pictures and just giggling the whole time, talk about putting a smile on my face!

We went outside to play as it had finally warmed up and dried up outside, I left my phone inside and about an hour into playing I heard it ring and missed the call, got my phone to see who called and it was from stbxw's grandparents house so I called back, stbxw answered and I simply said "Someone called?" and she goes on to say yes she called and to ask if I could watch our daughter for awhile as she had to go to the store and told me another few things she had to do and that her grandma had to do some things around the house and I just simply said sure no problem. "Alright, bye." she says and I say the same thing back.

This is the first time since she left that she called and told me anything about having to go to the store or anywhere for that fact. I'm thinking why tell me what you're going to be doing? I'll tell her grandma if I need to run to the store while I have our daughter and if she doesn't mind watching her while I run to the store, but I don't tell her what all else I might need to do or even tell the stbxw. It has been 3 weeks since we separated and I haven't even once asked her about her work schedule unless I have to if it involves our daughter, what she is doing, what she is planning to do, I haven't bothered her at all unless it's about our daughter.

I also found out her mom is coming back this weekend and she's staying with stbxw's grandparents too. Her grandma already told me today it's hard for her to get anything done around the house and I do feel bad for her grandma and told her if she needs anything to just let me know. Now she's also going to have stbxw's mom staying there too and not doing anything other than sitting in her room. Time for some popcorn and to enjoy the show I say, that might sound cold but to be honest it's refreshing to go "Not my problem." and stbxw has already told me lots of times her and her mom get along but they don't and she hates being compared to her.


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

Had a good day today, did things I needed to get done and spent some time looking around at stores today just to browse, also spent time with my daughter which was great. Stbxw wasn't at grandparents, she had to work and her work schedule rotates so I never know when she will be off.

Heard a song I haven't heard in a good while that actually made me laugh, "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green (also there's a "not nice" version). Made me laugh as I could relate with everything going on right now in my life and just made me laugh and smile as I was listening to it. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day with my daughter.


----------



## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

What happened to your old thread sir?


----------



## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

ilou said:


> What happened to your old thread sir?


Sorry about that. I decided to start over since so much has happened and the old thread was feeling a bit cluttered. I have a new one up now :smthumbup:.


----------

