# I don't want to sound rude....BUT



## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm pretty new here, so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn. I have noticed a trend among some posters here..not a lot of them, but a few.

I'm NOT a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I find it offensive when someone replies to a post in a sexually explicit manner when the question or problem is not of a sexual nature...sometimes being very graphic. I get the sense the person is getting off on it...I find it disturbing...

I wonder if anyone else has noticed this, and wonder if I'm the only one bothered by it.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like someone needs to get laid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

There are quite a few posters here who like to joke around and have a good time. Sometimes the smile is what we need when the solution has already been given! 

If you do see anything highly inappropriate, though, don't hesitate to report the post, or if you'd like, you can PM the person and let them know how you feel about their post... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you find that a post is completely inappropriate given the context of the thread or, the post breaks forum guidelines, report it.

Click the little Caution icon beneath the users name in the post they made.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ducky316 said:


> I'm pretty new here, so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn. I have noticed a trend among some posters here..not a lot of them, but a few.
> 
> I'm NOT a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I find it offensive when someone replies to a post in a sexually explicit manner when the question or problem is not of a sexual nature...sometimes being very graphic. I get the sense the person is getting off on it...I find it disturbing...
> 
> I wonder if anyone else has noticed this, and wonder if I'm the only one bothered by it.


sorry but sounds prudish to me. LOL but I'm probably one of the ones your refering too.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

I do have a sense of humor...so I know a joke when I read one  I'm not the kind of person to go around reporting people, so I will just continue to ignore it. Was just curious if anyone else noticed it. Thanks!


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> sorry but sounds prudish to me. LOL but I'm probably one of the ones your refering too.


Not prudish...if you read some of my posts you'd realize this....but I am an adult.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I have not noticed anything directly sexual anywhere other than the sex forum. But then again I'm not easily offended so maybe I simply don't notice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I have seen some comments where certain activities where explained graphically not in the authers post but in responses. But, I let it go over my head (no pun) and accept that some people feel that its ok to do this. Not really worth stressing about I Do understand your comments ducky316 possibly because Im the type of guy that still opens the door for a lady and refrains from using foul language in female earing.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

There is some weirdness going on at times in Social, I think...but they don't mean any offense.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I've not seen anything particularly inappropriate, but if a post starts to make me uncomfortable, I skip it. And sex is a really hot topic here. A lot of posters have come from sexually neglectful marriages and relationships, and their responses to things can sometimes be a bit...well, emotional, for lack of a better word. I doubt if anyone is intending to imply that you're a prude.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> I'm pretty new here, so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn. I have noticed a trend among some posters here..not a lot of them, but a few.
> 
> I'm NOT a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I find it offensive when someone replies to a post in a sexually explicit manner when the question or problem is not of a sexual nature...sometimes being very graphic. I get the sense the person is getting off on it...I find it disturbing...
> 
> I wonder if anyone else has noticed this, and wonder if I'm the only one bothered by it.


Some people here think more sex is the answer to every problem.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm on the conservative side with my comments and taste, and yes I see what you're referring to. Not my style either. When I come across it, I just skim past and ignore it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

norajane said:


> Some people here think more sex is the answer to every problem.


Would that it was that simple!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

norajane said:


> Some people here think more sex is the answer to every problem.


IT'S NOT??? :scratchhead:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

humanbecoming said:


> Hey, I represent that remark!
> 
> :rofl:


:iagree: :lol: Represent and resemble! :rofl:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> There is some weirdness going on at times in Social, I think...but they don't mean any offense.


:lol: You know you love us "Socialpaths"!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think sometimes people think they have an XYZ problem when really it boils down to a sex problem. I don't think it's wise to ignore the sex aspect of an issue just because the OP didn't bring it up. For example, if a woman is complaining that her husband is always in a bad mood despite the fact that she always keeps a clean house, fixes dinner every day and does all the laundry....my first question would be is he happy in bed. If she answers that she gives it up all the time then I start wondering about quality vs. quantity and the answer might be in her refusal for certain acts. If I try to pursue that avenue with her, it's certainly not that I'm trying to get off on being explicit. I'm trying to open her eyes to how many men think about things so that she'll have some insight.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

norajane said:


> Some people here think more sex is the answer to every problem.


:smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> :smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:


And some people put their head in the sand and think it MUST be something else. Anything but that!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

dblkman said:


> IT'S NOT??? :scratchhead:


:lol: :iagree:


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think sometimes people think they have an XYZ problem when really it boils down to a sex problem. I don't think it's wise to ignore the sex aspect of an issue just because the OP didn't bring it up. For example, if a woman is complaining that her husband is always in a bad mood despite the fact that she always keeps a clean house, fixes dinner every day and does all the laundry....my first question would be is he happy in bed. If she answers that she gives it up all the time then I start wondering about quality vs. quantity and the answer might be in her refusal for certain acts. If I try to pursue that avenue with her, it's certainly not that I'm trying to get off on being explicit. I'm trying to open her eyes to how many men think about things so that she'll have some insight.


By the same token however, you could have a fantastic sex life, and everything else is crumbling...

Sex is not always the problem...In fact sex problems are usually just a symptom of a bigger issue. To assume at any time that sex, or lack thereof, is the culprit to an unhappy marriage, shows a genuine lack of forethought and is simplistic at best.
But that's just my opinion.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

There's a forum on this website with over 4,000 threads that pretty clearly shows that SOMETIMES it IS the problem. I never said "always". Perhaps to suggest it as part of the problem in a given scenario IS simplistic. By the same token, to dismiss it out of hand is naive at best.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> There's a forum on this website with over 4,000 threads that pretty clearly shows that SOMETIMES it IS the problem. I never said "always". Perhaps to suggest it as part of the problem in a given scenario IS simplistic. By the same token, to dismiss it out of hand is naive at best.


I'm only saying sexual problems in a marriage are asymptomatic...rarely the root cause.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Ducky, I respectfully disagree. As working on me points out, you might view the sex in marriage section. You will find many stories where posters state their spouses are wonderful persons, but they are neglected to the point where the marriage is dysfunctional and divorce is being considered as the only option. Sexual fulfillment is an emotional need.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I disagree, also, Ducky. If my partner has cut me off and I am a wonderful spouse or they are wonderful (and happy to live in a sexless marriage), then that is the problem. 

A woman may need the emotional connection, but a man needs the sexual connection, also. It's really a delicate dance between the two. If either is not fulfilled, that leads to resentment. That is a direct cause of the problem, and the result: infidelity or divorce.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Okay..let me be a little more clear in why I feel sexual problems are asymptomatic. A woman doesn't with hold sex for no reason.....or doesn't perform certain sex acts for no reason. There is SOMETHING that is causing her to withdrawl from intimacy...This is what I mean by asymptomatic...not the root cause. And if you choose to deal with only the symptoms of a bad marriage and not the cause of that symptom (meaning sex) you haven't fixed anything.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> Okay..let me be a little more clear in why I feel sexual problems are asymptomatic. A woman doesn't with hold sex for no reason.....or doesn't perform certain sex acts for no reason. There is SOMETHING that is causing her to withdrawl from intimacy...This is what I mean by ...not the root cause. And if you choose to deal with only the symptoms of a bad marriage and not the cause of that symptom (meaning sex) you haven't fixed anything.


Then you conclude that the lack of any EN is asymptomatic? Again I ask you to read the post, where the dysfunction in the relationship is directly due to sexual and intimacy abandonment.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Then you conclude that the lack of any EN is asymptomatic? Again I ask you to read the post, where the dysfunction in the relationship is directly due to sexual and intimacy abandonment.


The difference in our disagreement is you feel lack of intimacy can be the cause of a troubled marriage...I feel it's only a symptom of a much larger problem and that it manifests itself through lack of intimacy. The reason why most people concentrate on the sex or lack thereof is because it's the most apparent problem to both partners....It's the elephant in the room.....but how did the elephant get there????????????????:scratchhead:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Actually, I believe our disagreement is that you may believe sex is a separate emotional need, from all others. Lack of any one of them could cause resentment and the refusal to participate in the other ENs with the offending partner. Thus the dysfunction.

K, other than that, welcome to TAM


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sooooo........uh.......

want to have sex?



Lol! Just kidding!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think I get where the OP is coming from and I agree with certain parts.
The typical male brain thinks that sex is the answer to all marital problems, because his definition of marital problems does not include his wife's emotional state of mind. Whether her emotional needs are being met etc. doesn't matter because he thinks sex is #1 on her list of needs just like his.
So , she tries to be a good wife do all the stuff in bed that he requires , regular BJ's everything and he feels yes! My marriage is good.
But her needs are constantly neglected.
So she gives until there is nothing left to give and resentment starts to build.
The years pass by and one night out of the blue he gets the ILYBIANILWY speech,
Right after the most amazing sex..........


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> The difference in our disagreement is you feel lack of intimacy can be the cause of a troubled marriage...I feel it's only a symptom of a much larger problem and that it manifests itself through lack of intimacy. The reason why most people concentrate on the sex or lack thereof is because it's the most apparent problem to both partners....It's the elephant in the room.....but how did the elephant get there????????????????:scratchhead:


I like and agree with much of what you have said in your other posts but intimacy also means different things for different people. For many, (usually women and myself included), "intimacy" often denotes talking and sharing, non-sexual physical touching and affection but for others, (quite often men), real emotional intimacy and closeness denotes s-e-x or, I apologize.... making love.  There is nothing wrong with either viewpoint/definition of intimacy but when spouses are at a crossroads or don't try to understand either side then a lack of intimacy can be a problem - no matter your personal definition.

Pardon me, I'm really not trying to be facetious in saying so.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> I like and agree with much of what you have said in your other posts but intimacy also means different things for different people. For many, (usually women and myself included), "intimacy" often denotes talking and sharing, non-sexual physical touching and affection but for others, (quite often men), real emotional intimacy and closeness denotes s-e-x or, I apologize.... making love.  There is nothing wrong with either viewpoint/definition of intimacy but when spouses are at a crossroads or don't try to understand either side then a lack of intimacy can be a problem - no matter your personal definition.
> 
> Pardon me, I'm really not trying to be facetious in saying so.


Regardless of how one perceives intimacy, I think it's probable that if you're not experiencing emotional intimacy then you're likely not experiencing sexual intimacy either.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> Regardless of how one perceives intimacy, I think it's probable that if you're not experiencing emotional intimacy then you're likely not experiencing sexual intimacy either.


Ducky, that's the point. Reversely, if you're not experiencing sexual intimacy, it's likely your not experiencing emotional intimacy. What came first, the chicken or the egg? It depends on the spouse's viewpoint in the relationship. I call it the circle game and we can all be guilty of it.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Ducky316 said:


> but I am an adult.


That is a disaster! What are you going to do about that?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> That is a disaster! What are you going to do about that?


I hope it's not contagious!!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Active sex life which is perfect for both people => great marriage
Absence of the above => not so great marriage.

Sex is the root cause

QED.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> A woman doesn't with hold sex for no reason.....or doesn't perform certain sex acts for no reason.


Not true.

This board is filled to the brim with men and women who are married to spouses who have a naturally lower drive, and thus withhold sex because they simply don't want it.

This kind of statement leaves the impression that all women are sex pots in waiting, and the only reason they're not actualizing that potential is because something is wrong.

Also, some people don't perform "certain sex acts" because, well, they don't want to perform them. It's not always any deeper than that.

On the rest I agree with you, as well as the opposing view.

Sometimes sex IS the root problem.

And sometimes it's a symptom of another problem all together.

Depends on the people, the circumstances, and the marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ducky316 said:


> Regardless of how one perceives intimacy, I think it's probable that if you're not experiencing emotional intimacy then you're likely not experiencing sexual intimacy either.


I talk ALOT about SEX here -because for me & my husband, the commuication in the sexual was our BIGGEST blunder.... 

For us, I feel we have ALWAYS had an amazing emotional connection -throughout BUT he wanted more sex (it's that simple), he hid his feelings on this...started feeling like I didn't love him as much.... I was oblivious with a slew of kids, and he started to build a slow growing resentment towards me -even though he treated me beautiful through out all of it....

It was never all that much, as when I came for him, he jumped for sex... but I was soooo missing how damn much this meant to my husband -how much MY DESIRE and want of him ---what heights it could do for our marriage...Since learning this.... he has grown in vulnerability -he talks more, he is just a happier man. 

He was happy before -but NOW he glows, and our intimacy is just more passionate, immediate, and happening. 

So you'll have to forgive me, I am one of the Sex monsters on this forum....and kinda enjoy that subject a great deal. 

I have cried tears in realizing how I have hurt my husband in the past in these things, and it should have never never never been. He never deserved it -for a minute.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Love it when non-prudish people start threads complaining about too much sex talk... I a forum full of adults in relationships dedicated to solving problems in said relationships.

It like going to a car mechanics forum and ask people not to openly talk about fuel injection related parts...

"You know the thing that makes the gasoline flow into the... Other component... It not functioning properly... Help me please!"


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Ducky316 said:


> I'm pretty new here, so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn. I have noticed a trend among some posters here..not a lot of them, but a few.
> 
> I'm NOT a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I find it offensive when someone replies to a post in a sexually explicit manner when the question or problem is not of a sexual nature...sometimes being very graphic. I get the sense the person is getting off on it...I find it disturbing...
> 
> I wonder if anyone else has noticed this, and wonder if I'm the only one bothered by it.


Please show us an example. For the most part, the membership here really tows the line. If an issue is about sex, the answers are about sex. If not, the answers are directed at the issue. 

Sometimes a post is so ridiculous that it elicts an energetic push back.

The mods clean up the inappropriate stuff pretty quickly.

The last resort is to be an adult. Deal with it. Skip the post, report the offender, leave the site, whatever. But don't trash the vast majority for what a small minority may do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ducky316 said:


> Okay..let me be a little more clear in why I feel sexual problems are asymptomatic. *A woman doesn't with hold sex for no reason.....or doesn't perform certain sex acts for no reason.* There is SOMETHING that is causing her to withdrawl from intimacy...This is what I mean by asymptomatic...not the root cause. And if you choose to deal with only the symptoms of a bad marriage and not the cause of that symptom (meaning sex) you haven't fixed anything.


So pigeon hole all the sex issues into one generalization ? And that is because every woman is the same and acts the same ?

It is chicken egg situation. Why are sexual needs considered any less than the emotional needs that are required in a marriage ? I can turn the question around and say that the "root cause" was actually due to the lack of sexual intimacy.

Some women/men simply choose not to have sex.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Ducky316 said:


> Regardless of how one perceives intimacy, I think it's probable that if you're not experiencing emotional intimacy then you're likely not experiencing sexual intimacy either.


I was trying to be polite before and not step on anyone's toes; maybe it's a Canadian thing, (I've been told we're very polite) but I digress... 

Forgive me but it sounds like you are saying the need for sexual intimacy is not as valid as the need for emotional intimacy or that they are somehow divergent from one another and I simply do not agree.

I think emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are both important and equally valid needs in a marital or committed relationship. Marriage is supposed to be about monogamy, not celibacy.

Also, I think withholding intimacy, whether it be emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy as some kind of tit-for-tat "you didn't scratch my back so I'm not going to scratch yours" regime is both unhealthy and dysfunctional. Not to mention, counterproductive if your goal is to have a mutually satisfying marriage.


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