# He's seeking male attention on Craigslist and chatrooms



## shellebell (Feb 26, 2013)

I could have written this post 10 years ago, and might have honestly. I just don't remember. I just need an outsider opinion and I can't talk to anyone I know. I'll try to keep it brief. I'm not an overly affectionate person. Nor am I a great communicator. I tend to NOT talk about issues until I get my thoughts straight, then I want to talk. These are the complaints my husband of 16 years has about me. 3 years into our marriage, I found that he had been watching porn without me and chatting with other women and couples online because he felt ignored. We went to therapy some, I had a keylogger on his computer, and I thought we worked through it. Fast forward to last week. 

I was in his office for a Zoom meeting (I'm working from home) and his computer was left on at his Yahoo mail. I noticed a separate email from his "normal" email attached to it and clicked on it. It was filled with replies to craigslist ads that HE posted, chatroom messages, purchases for porn, etc.

Of all of these, the craigslist ads that he posted seeking the attention of couples and or males worry me the most. It appears as though every time he's gone out of town for work in the past 5 years at least, he's sought out people in the city he was visiting. Again he says it's because he needs affection and attention. Says he only wants it from me, but he gets desperate. 

I just don't understand. If he loves me and wants only me, then why not seek out women that look like me. Why men? I just don't think I believe it. While I'm not a great communicator, I am pretty accepting and love the people I love for who they are. I think if he had come to me and said, hey, I have these fantasies, what do you think? I might have been able to be ok with trying whatever. But the fact that he went around me intentionally at every opportunity to seek out others ...it makes me wonder if he really wants to be married to me or if it's just the idea of being married that he likes. Like maybe he wants a wife and family because that's what he's supposed to do. Idk. 

I love him. I want to believe that it was just a stupid thing he did when he felt lonely or whatever. But some of these times he was out of town were during some really good times for us. So I thought. Thank you for listening. We will be going to therapy this week. I'm just not sure it'll do any good, or if I can even trust him again. Oh, and he says he never actually met anyone...but I don't believe that either. Any advice is welcomed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I were you, I also would not believe that he did not meet someone. Cheaters lie to cover for their bad behavior. It's easy to tell when a cheater is lying... their lips are moving.

If he is having sex with others he is putting your life at risk. He's at high risk for catching STDs and infecting you. Have you thought about this? Have you had an STD test?

What is your sex life like? Is he very sexually active with you?

The reason he seeks out men to have sex is because he wants to. He wants to have sex outside the marriage. It's that simple. Some people think that it's ok as long as their spouse never finds out. And once the spouse does find out they just lie and take their cheating underground.

If he's looking for men to have sex with, it's because he likes sex with men. Again, it's that simple.

Many people can separate sex and love. He might love you. He probably also likes the idea of being married as it gives him stability. But is also likes to have sex with men. He cannot get that from you. He most likely did not tell you about this fantasy/desire because he does not want you to be involved. You are not part of that fantasy in his mind. (Sorry, don't mean to be cruel. But people do what they do because it's what they want.)

It sounds like he's been doing this for years. 

My advice at this point? Get an STD test and stop having sex with him. And... if it were me I would divorce him because if he likes sex with men, there is no way I could satisfy him sexually.


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