# Does my wife still love me



## vasilies (Apr 22, 2016)

Hi I am just confused so was looking for some honest advice, I work away from home and dont get to vist the family 4 to 5 month, this time when I visted home I got very confused by my wifes reaction to words me.

My wife is a very good mother and house maker, as she has never worked so she has a lot of time on her hand as she has a maid to help her out in the house, she does alot of charity work and other girly things that she enjoys, the confustion started that even though I was visting after 5 months she was not that intrested in having sex as she is in her 40s and what i know or have read is that it is peak age for sex (but please correct me if I am wronge). Even though I was there for a week these were some of the issues that confused me.

1. She was making planes with friends for a night out till spoke out.

2. She was not intrested in sex.

3. During my vist her friend visted with her husband even though i was in the house she did not bother to intorduce me as was upstair.

4. We went out with friends one night and I have notice this in the past couple of years since I started working away from home she likes to touch men when she talks with them but she does not do that with me, even though it might not be considered not a big deal in the western culture but in the culture that we come from woman touching a man in consider wronge. and men take it as wronge signal. 

I raised all these issues with her even though before starting i said dont take it wronge but I am little uncomfortable with all this but as soon as I mentioned she blew up with anger and started crying that I was blaming her, I left the same night as had to get back for work.

I am very open minded it might not be a big deal but sitting hear away from a home all alone has left me in a very confused state of mind and is made think where is this all going I have been honest all through my married life and have never given her any chance to dought me other then watching some porn which she says she does not like to watch,

all advice will be wellcome.


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## Jordan88 (Apr 18, 2016)

4-5 months ? That's nearly half a year, has it always been like that? maybe you need to find out if she ok with that still, she could be jealous of her friend relationship whoae husband might always be there 

Touching other men? If she comes across flirty and doesn't know it someone might be getting in her ear like a friend

Woman need attention so I would find out where her head is at in regards to the marriage 

Personally i think long distance relationship are hard, her not wanting sex after you been away for so long is something that's needs sorting specially her knowing You been faithful with her

Don't leave it but Go with your gut feeling if your think something up


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First of all if you want to stay married find s job close to home or move the family.

Second, check your phone bill online.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Marriages are very hard work as it is, there will be ups and downs. Sustaining a marriage over long distances or long absences is very difficult. She has to get on with life and fill the void when you are not around. You come home, want sex and then you are away again. From her point of view you provide the finances she provides the household management it seems like a business arrangement. 
Women need to feel loved and cherished. What do you do in your periods abroad to make her feel that? Do you send her flowers, call her and speak intimately with her, tell her you miss her, fly her out to spend a weekend with you, etc. 
You sound confused by her reaction, but her reaction is very normal, she feels undervalued and gets on with her life whether you are there or not. Why? because she has no choice.

You want sex so you can feel close to her, she wants to feel close to you before she wants sex. It is impossible to feel bonded if you are physically apart. Sex starts long before the bedroom.

it is also highly possible if any man shows her the attention or affection you are not showing, she may well succumb.

You need to rethink your priorities or how you ensure she is fully part of your life and feels close to you.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

vasilies said:


> Hi I am just confused so was looking for some honest advice, I work away from home and dont get to vist the family 4 to 5 month, this time when I visted home I got very confused by my wifes reaction to words me.
> 
> My wife is a very good mother and house maker, as she has never worked so she has a lot of time on her hand as she has a maid to help her out in the house, she does alot of charity work and other girly things that she enjoys, the confustion started that even though I was visting after 5 months she was not that intrested in having sex as she is in her 40s and what i know or have read is that it is peak age for sex (but please correct me if I am wronge). Even though I was there for a week these were some of the issues that confused me.
> 
> ...


You asked for honest advice.

I was in a similar situation, working away from the family.

For a while it was ok, I came to see them whenever I got the chance, and they came to see me occasionally. Then I started to realise it was only "for xmas", "for fathers day", or if the kids were doing a school project on "dad's job".
And while physical things were ok, I always had to provide the motivation, the effort, the mood. And then there were the other things, like you've mentioned - I was the +1, not the "here's my loved one".
No she didn't love me, to her I was a placeholder that she hadn't bothered to get rid of yet. Until she finally did, no skin off her nose, as far as she was concerned I'd been gone for years, and our eldest said "well you're never here so we don't even know you".


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## vasilies (Apr 22, 2016)

well for me work away from home was was a joint decision as paid good and it is only for few years to me it just seems with me being away is given freedom to do what she wants and not to be anserable to any one


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

She may love you but she may also not be "in love" with you. Confusing but a huge difference. Sounds to me like she has gotten over you; no longer needs you. You might consider a vocation that does not take you away from your home for half of a year at a time. These little week long visits are nothing. She wants her husband around a lot more than that. You should then consider marriage counseling, if there is a marriage left to save. Sorry, brother, but it isn't looking too good.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If my husband was gone this long.. I'd be tearing his clothes off when he got to the door.. the anticipation would be exploding in me.. that's how you feel when you're in love, you miss them terribly... 

What you have described here... is devoid of any passion, anticipating...care even... sounds you are an awesome Provider, she gets a maid, can plan & do ANYTHING she wants while you are gone...what is She doing to fill her days, who does she spend most of her time with? Do you even know ... do you have kids? 

How much contact/ skyping do you do when you are away to keep the emotional *intimacy* alive- at least ? 

People get hungry for some skin, for some a week is a long time..let alone 4 -5 months!... I don't think it's healthy for couples to be away from each other for long periods like this..is the money really worth it? You spoke how she is touching other men when you are out with her... you've seen this in the last few years ...

Have you considered how far that might be going when you are not there to see it ? Not looking good.. is an understatement..


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Does she ever come visit you when you are away working?

She has found friends to fill the void when you are gone, she has also learned to live without you around instead of sitting around and moping. She knows that you will be leaving again, and she could just be trying to make it not hurt so much.

You do need to have a serious talk with her, and find out where she really stands in the marriage. While it was a joint decision for you to take the job, she might not have realized how hard it would be. 

She also needs to be spending all the time with you while you are home, and not running around with her friends. 

Definitely time for a talk on where the marriage is and where you both are in the marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You might want to read this man's story... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html

he was like you.. away A LOT ...working... he felt he was being a good provider.. here his wife was very lonely... I don't remember all the details, if they fought over this.. if she begged him to take a job closer to home.. but she accepted it, or had to...but found she couldn't handle it.. (emotionally, physically)...and here she had an 12 year affair with a neighbor.. when he found this out.. he was in a RAGE, wanted to kill the guy.. not to mention how he felt about her.... but somehow he ended up forgiving her... he took a tremendous amount of heat on this forum for staying with her. 

I think there is a great lesson in this man's story.. me personally.. I'd rather be lower income and have my man every night.. I wouldn't be able to handle, on a regular basis, him being gone THAT LONG.. 

The question is.. 

*** Did your wife marry for money (does she really not mind you being away for these LONG stretches, you mention giving her space.. this is not space.. this is "having another life!" 

or 

*** Things were great in the beginning.. you were close, greatly attracted, the sex was phenomenal...but she learned , for her own well being, to detach...it's easier on her ...trying to avoid the pain & depression she feels when you leave every time...so "Apathy" crept in there.. even some resentment ...

Can you give more of your story...


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## vasilies (Apr 22, 2016)

thanks simply well since i have arrrived back for work we have spoken everyday on the phone only talked about work related question and and children, but nothing was said on the argument e had just had before i left, I did ask her how she was feeling know and she said that was much better, you see when I questioned her on all points I was uncomfortable with she accused me that I was blaming her, she said if I was uncomfortable with some of her action I should have just come out told her that I was uncomfortale with her behaviour insted of blaming her for something.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

vasilies said:


> thanks simply well since i have arrrived back for work we have spoken everyday on the phone only talked about work related question and and children, but nothing was said on the argument e had just had before i left, I did ask her how she was feeling know and she said that was much better, you see when I questioned her on all points I was uncomfortable with she accused me that I was blaming her, she said if I was uncomfortable with some of her action I should have just come out told her that I was uncomfortale with her behaviour insted of blaming her for something.


That doesn't really make sense. You have come out and told her you are uncomfortable with her behaviour, exactly like she's saying you should have, and she's talking about blame and playing a victim.

What exactly does she think you blaming her for? If you asked her, "what exactly am I supposedly blaming on you?", would the answer make sense or would it be some sort of blanket statement like "everything"?

If she can't answer the question, if her answers are generalisations, then she doesn't really have an answer and this is just a way to deflect attention from herself. If she is doing this, you have to ask yourself WHY.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

vasilies said:


> thanks simply well since i have arrrived back for work we have spoken everyday on the phone *only talked about work related question and and children, **but nothing was said on the argument e had just had before i left*


 Is this common...when you have a conflict, where either of you is not really satisfied with it's being broke open , and TRULY HEARING each other out...that you then just resort to "safe" "non intimacy" type conversations...basically "avoiding" ?

I realize being away so much makes this much more difficult... better to have sorted this out when you were home... have a fight.. then some good make up sex!... but it's so important to meet each other half way.. finding understanding, a resolution you both feel good about.. and can move on from, bringing you closer together.... with that their may be small changes in the way we do things or treat each other.. it doesn't sound you resolved anything.... 

Ideally we want to be able to go to our spouse and voice how we are feeling, this should be a given...bringing us back into each others arms.. 



> I did ask her how she was feeling know and she said that was much better, you see when I questioned her on all points I was uncomfortable with she accused me that I was blaming her, she said if I was uncomfortable with some of her action I should have just come out told her that I was uncomfortale with her behaviour insted of blaming her for something.


How did you OPEN this issue with her.. were you angry when you spoke.. did it jolt her.. was it about her TOUCHING men in your presence ?

Going by what you say here... she sounds like she is speaking out of 2 sides of her mouth... but not being there.. she may have felt "attacked" and your delivery could have come off more accusatory over just feeling uncomfortable.. why this caused a scuffle... and she became Defensive...

She says she wants you to be honest.. then throws it in your face...many people do this because they don't like what is being said.. this kills transparency, and we take a step back, this always takes a hit on our intimacy /working things through... as they never reach the core issues ...

These are the 4 marriage killers.. could be she is using some degree of *Defensiveness* here... Maybe you've both slipped into some of these over the years... then add the great lengths of time away....it all takes a toll over time..


 The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling



> *** *Criticism*- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!
> 
> *** *Contempt*... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt
> 
> ...


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## vasilies (Apr 22, 2016)

Thank you all but still very confused where I stand one difference that I have notice is that in the past I am the one that calls her most of the time but since arriving back she is the one calling me mostly is this out of guilt, a coverup or she correcting something that she had been doing unconciously . Another difference has been that when she goes out she has been taking our duaghter along with her, I do attened to talk to her but I am waiting for the right moment.


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