# I don't want this to be the end



## RAD83 (Jul 6, 2012)

Hi All,

I am new to this site. I am in a situation in my marriage where it is on the brink of falling apart. Here is some background on our relationship.

We met in High School and have been together for 11 years. We have been married for 7 years. We have 2 Kids (Boy - 3, Girl - 6). My wife has been home with the kids since our son was born because she was layed off. She is very frustrated that she has not been able to find work. My wife and I were each others firsts. My wife is a very honest and genuine person. She is very emotional and wants to have an emotional connection with someone. I am more of an intrvert when it comes to emotion. In my heart i am filled with emotion but i have trouble expressing. I have never been very good at being the romantic passionate type. I have always tried to do things to bring romance and passion to our relationship but it never works out the way I envision it in my head. It always comes across as half assed and insincere.

The final straw was 2 days ago. It was my wife's birthday. She has always been disappointed with the gifts i have gotten her for every holiday and she has told me how much it has hurt her. For weeks my wife has been saying that we need to go on a date. It is hard for us to get out. We don't have much help with the kids and money is tight. I figured I would surprise her for her birthday with a night out. I arranged care for the kids and took her to a nice restaurant. Everything went well but when the night ended she told me she was so disappointed that i did not get her a gift. 

Last night my wife told me that she does not love me anymore. She is not sure if she ever loved me. She always felt comfortable but looking back she wishes she said no when I proposed. She says that she has no passion for me and doesn't think she will get over the years of insincere gifts and occasions. She has waited for me to finally get her something that was for her and made her feel loved.

I want to work to show the love and passion i have for her. How can I do this and is there any chance for us? Is it too late and I have already lost her?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You want to read a book called the Five Love Luanguages.

Some people feel loved when they get a gift.

If your wife tells you this, you are a fool to ignore it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with Hicks...Both of you read the book "The Five Love Languages" and both of you take the test. Here's the site:

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

I don't know if its too late. You'll only know if you try, to get the romance back. Is she willing to try?

I don't know what you mean by insincere gifts. What could you have given her? A vacuum? 
Is there someone else? Do some checking too. 

Good luck.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Has she ever given you ideas of the types of gifts she wants? It wouldn't be fair for her to judge if she hasn't taught you what she likes. Also, did you lovingly explain that you felt like you were giving her a gift by arranging the date and taking her to a nice restaurant. Maybe she has no clue that you though you were doing the right thing. And no clue that you were really trying to please her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You also need to check her phone and her computer to see any numbers/names you don't know that she contacts - a LOT. Chances are really good that she has met someone. If you don't want to believe me, go to the Infidelity section and read some of the hundreds of other threads of other husbands of SAHMs who have 'fallen' into love with someone else. There's a script and your wife is repeating it word for word.


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## RAD83 (Jul 6, 2012)

She has given many ideas for gifts. She really wants a piece of jewellry. This is something i have never bought her. I try to be creative and do things that she hasn't thought of so it is original. She feels she has gotten to the point where she has to beg.

For valentine's day i got her some lingerie. I did a scavanger hunt when she woke up. I was already at work and i left messages of how i loved her around the house. She was embarassed because the kids were home with her and she had to hide it once she got to the end because the kids were watching her. I also got her tickets to a concert by one of her favorite artists. 

She feels that i don't listen to what she really wants and i do things that i want.


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## RAD83 (Jul 6, 2012)

My wife is not cheating. She has told me that she has reached the point where she fantasizes about other men because she has no attraction to me anymore.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

RAD83 said:


> *My wife is not cheating*. She has told me that she has reached the point where she fantasizes about other men because she has no attraction to me anymore.


You MIGHT be right,

BUT

You MIGHT be wrong, and the posters here have seen these words that your wife has said to you as the result of affair speak more often than not.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Right. Ok. Let us know when you meet OM.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

RAD83 said:


> My wife is not cheating. She has told me that she has reached the point where she fantasizes about other men because she has no attraction to me anymore.


Then she has her eye on other men already. She's on her way to find someone else. Most likely she already has one in mind. Even if that's all of it, that's bad enough. Verify it's what she said. 

Your not filling her needs. You don't even know what they are. Once someone else starts filling her emotional needs, you'll lose. Read the book. Get moving or you'll lessen what chances you have.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read His Needs Her Needs this weekend or she'll be gone.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I must be really dense... You know she wants jewelry, and it's the one thing you've never bought her. And then you wonder why she thinks you don't listen to her and just do your own thing...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was thinking that, too. Has she ALWAYS asked for jewelry, or did she just now ask for it?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rad,

I would still check if I was you.

While your wife may have lost interest in you because of what you haven't been doing for her, it is also quite possible that someone has been paying her compliments telling her things like "if you were my woman, I would have gotten you x AND Y"

While I'm not saying this is the case here, often times when a spouse gives you the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (ILYBNILWY) speech they are either already involved with someone else or thinking about it

All we are suggesting is that you look into it to rule it out

If you read in the Coping With Infidelity section, you'll see that this pattern of ILYBNILWY is followed by many wandering spouses.

Good luck


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> Read His Needs Her Needs this weekend or she'll be gone.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

You asked for advice. Your problem may be your inability to take advice or listen to what others have to say. Didn't your wife come right out and tell you what she wanted?

Now you have two choices.

1) Take the advice and see if you can save you marriage. 

2) Sit there, thinking you have a better idea, and watch your wife and children go off with another man.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

There is hope, but you need to get educated and do some work with plenty of patience.

First, she may be having an emotional affair if she made the comment that she fantasies about other guys. I would also suspect there may be some other women who is supporting her wayward attitude. This gives them the confidence to look for greener pastures.

What likely happened is a version of a Mid life crisis. She built up resentment about many things, and has stewed over them long enough to emotionally detach from you. 

My advice. Seek MC if she will go and if not go do IC. Learn the 180 for your own strength and sanity. You need to get smart...most of us in hindsight see how blind we were when it all came down. 

The book Divorce Busting was very very helpful to me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She has given many ideas for gifts. She really wants a piece of jewellry. This is something i have never bought her.


You don't listen. I can see why she'd be frustrated with you.


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