# Took your advice on here



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So I am done with it and moved on I even told my husband that he could be friends with her husband again. They were all friends since junior high so I told him to go ahead and talk again I dont care and I think that they will start talking again. I know that she is a Bi&% and tried to make her fault mine in this whole thing so its going to be weird having out husbands be friends and us hating each other lol but we shall she what unfolds!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Did you tell your husband about your sexting?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

No I dont want to I think that if I do we will take 10 steps back. I just want to go forward and be done.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Do you recall how many times you had decided to move forward after the kissing incident? And then fell right back into justifying your own actions? Or how you were ready to sleep with someone to get revenge on him? What I am saying is that 6 months from now he will do something to piss you off and you will be back to drinking and cheating (sexting is cheating). You should tell him. But then you never listened b4.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

So....what happens when he finds out? Is it OK to lie to him? At what point do you start building your relationship on honesty?

Please realize - choosing not to tell him in order to avoid a change in your relationship is controlling behavior - you are controlling him. How long will he want to remain with someone who spends their time lying and controlling him?

Is this not a recipe for disaster? Are you not simply leaving your marriage vulnerable to decay, collapse and destruction?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> Do you recall how many times you had decided to move forward after the kissing incident? And then fell right back into justifying your own actions? Or how you were ready to sleep with someone to get revenge on him? What I am saying is that 6 months from now he will do something to piss you off and you will be back to drinking and cheating (sexting is cheating). You should tell him. But then you never listened b4.


I know what you are saying I do but I am now coming to 28 yrs old and I cant be that way I just can't. I know what happend was so stupid it really was with the kiss thing and we all got to close for comfort. But I think that we all miss eachothers friendship. and we learned from our mistakes. And me and my husband are moving on and we want to be happy more important I want to be happy with him. I think that before I was so caught up in what a marriage should be and playing victom of the world. blahhhhhhhhhhh pitty me whatever!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> So....what happens when he finds out? Is it OK to lie to him? At what point do you start building your relationship on honesty?
> 
> Please realize - choosing not to tell him in order to avoid a change in your relationship is controlling behavior - you are controlling him. How long will he want to remain with someone who spends their time lying and controlling him?
> 
> Is this not a recipe for disaster? Are you not simply leaving your marriage vulnerable to decay, collapse and destruction?


I know what you are saying but what do I say OHH btw babe I have been sexting someone you may know cause I am a fool. And was lonely and trying to justify what you did. I dont love that idea?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I know what you are saying but what do I say OHH btw babe I have been sexting someone you may know cause I am a fool. And was lonely and trying to justify what you did. I dont love that idea?


I can sure empathize with not wanting to do something that is not fun, or makes you feel uncomfortable! The trouble is that part of growing up is actually doing the things that you don't want to - because they are the right way to do things.

In any event, I would suggest that if you and your husband truly want to 'move on' that you make an agreement to both be honest with one another. By 'moving on' though, I don't mean making it another week or two. I mean making your marriage a long lasting, satisfying and meaningful partnership.

Right now your marriage is like a rowboat full of holes. You've been complaining about all the water around you, and how many holes there are. Now you've started bailing out the water. Perhaps your husband is bailing water as well. This, you claim, is 'moving on.' As long as both of you throw water out of the boat, you are working together, and it feels like things are going somewhere.

But the holes are still there. Until you start patching those holes, water is still going to keep pouring in. And eventually, one or both of you will get tired of bailing and the boat will start sinking again. It may sink entirely.

Patching the holes is the solution. One of those holes is lack of honesty. By becoming honest with one another, you will have one less hole in the boat to worry about.

So enough of the analogy. 

I have no idea what your husband thinks about all of your 'shenanigans' - or even if he is on-board with you at all. From all I know of reading your posts is that you think he is, and that is good enough for you. It really isn't, because eventually he will do something else that you don't expect, and things will be right back where they were a month ago.

Seriously - trust your husband. You've caused a lot of trouble in your marriage - and he is still around. Try being honest with him - he may respond quite favorably!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree with you I do. But I dont want to do more harm then good in all tihs. I do love him and I figured that out when all that went down. Well sorry let me word that differantly I always loved him but I did doubt us. And then it was like **** or get off the pot when all this went down and I struggled and did stupid things to see what it is I felt but NOW I KNOW. this is truely what I want. it doesnt matter of what happend in the past. This is what matter me him and our two girls. Not some kiss Not some words us. I struggled for the longest time with what that kiss was why the door was locked what did he say why did he say it blah blah blah blah. But in the just of it all he is here I am here.We got confused both of us we found out who are friends were and werent. Shoot even my mother in law makes comments to her on facebook?? whatever! but ya so I am going to make the best of our new begginings! the past is usually left in the past for a reason right!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> But I dont want to do more harm then good in all tihs


Translation:
I don't want to get in trouble and suffer consequences for MY actions.

So if I hide what I did, and don't do it any more, my husband gets the wife he deserves and *I* don't get in trouble.

Problem is...you haven't done any learning or growing from your mistakes - just avoiding getting caught. What makes you think you are any more moral or upright now than a week ago?

Humility - through telling your husband the truth and owning your mistakes - is what helps you become moral and deserving.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sunflower,

I've read many of your posts and the one word you always use is "but". Listen to Turnera. The only way to learn and grow from your mistakes is to take ownership of them. It isn't the easy way, it is the hard way and there may be consequences, but that is how we learn and grow. No more "buts" -- just do it.

People will still like you. I bet you'll like yourself better when you do.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

:iagree: Sunflower;

What you refuse to admit is that your sexting/flirting/strip poker etc...etc...etc...Has nothing to do with your husband's kiss. It is your NEED for attention. Nothing more nothing less. This is due to extreme insecurities on your part. You can not "move ahead" together as a couple until all cards are on the table. There are consequences to your actions and you need to be adult enough to deal with them. And what the above poster said is right on the money. You, just like kids do, dont want to admitt what you did so as to not suffer the consequences. No mommy I promise I did not shave the cat, it was a ghost. 

It's so sad....beautiful woman, 2 cute kids, a husband that puts up with your crazy and you cant get this figured out. Remember you can get help. Life is too short


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Following her story from the beginning (and judging by the looks on your faces in your profile pic a year ago) I don't think this will matter to your hubby, he won't be surprised. It's not like you physically slept with the guy right? (I do think some here are way over sensitive about things) the point is Sunflower nice to see your resolve here but I think the best thing you can do is get into a counselor and/or CBT therapist and address your insecurities and need for attention and low self esteem issues. Identify the triggers and cues and deal with them. Come up with alternatives. You really have a lot of personal growth to do and it looks like you are on the way.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you guys are right on the dot I was this whole time blamming him for what he had done and wasnt letting it go. Then it was like wait a minute is it REALLY this or was this whole thing just something that triggerd alot of insecurities with in me. Not saying that what he did was ok. I think that all of you would agree and be pissed if you spouse kissed another person other then you. but to take it to the extreme I did and divorce him over it NO and I was CRAZY I mean crazy I just wouldnt let it go it was a everyday thought for me and it consumed my life. until finally one day driving with my husband we talked just talked and I cried but it was a relief cry of ok I am over this and now I have to work on me. This whole thing is me. Down to Oh great we are going to see my ex friend and her husband blahhhhh what do I do. Well I should be more like oh ya we some them I was ok and civil my husband loves me and she is crazy but we are all fine.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

It still seems like you are not accepting that the things YOU have done are just as harmful as what he has done. It may be that the reason you won't tell him what has happened with you and this other guy is because then you will be forced to admit that you have caused as much damage. By doing things this way, you are letting your H take all of the blame for the things that have happened, and I just don't see that as being fair to anyone.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

your right I am not being fair but then again if I have learned my lesson and not done anythign physical, cant I just keep going forward without damaging our relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What relationship do you think you have? 

It is based on lies and withholding the truth.

He loves a FAKE version of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sunflower, I'm going to take a guess and say that you have lived your whole 28 years without ever owning up to anything you have done. You have learned how to avoid negativity by not admitting your part in things, by even lying about your part in things, and your life has gone along fine that way, because you've never really gotten in trouble. Is that about right?

I'd like to let you in on a secret. Every time a person 'fibs' or hides the truth by ommission, even blames someone ELSE for something they themselves did...every time, that person hates himself just a little bit more. 

People who go their whole lives lying to avoid getting in trouble end up miserable, without knowing why. Do you know why? It's because you have basically sold your soul, in exchange for comfort and lack of negativity. Deep down, you KNOW you skipped out on a lot of things; you KNOW that is not moral, nor ethical, nor pretty. It's something a 6 year old would do, to avoid admitting to mom they stole the cookie. He avoided punishment, but at what cost? He nows thinks that he is a little liar. And he now has to HIDE that fact from everyone. Thus, the direction of his whole life.

The other secret, which you may not have experienced yet, is that, when you DO show humility and tell the truth, a truly amazing thing happens. YOU FEEL GOOD.

It may seem odd, but the truth is, when you spend your whole life making sure no one knows the bad things you have done...you are weighed down. Nothing feels as good as it should, cos you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to get caught. Even if you don't consciously realize it.

When you tell the truth, bare your soul to another person, you are saying to that person "I love you. I trust you. I have faith that you can hear the 'bad' in me and still love me. I want to deserve that love from you, so I am telling you the truth. Will you?"

It really is FREEING. It takes that weight off your soul, sets you free, and lets you move forward with honesty, sincerity, and hope.

Will he be mad? Maybe. Will he leave you? Maybe. But you have just as much of a chance of him saying 'I am so glad you finally told me the truth, so I can trust you. Thank you.'

Do the right thing. Tell him the truth. You'll be surprised at how good it feels.


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