# Husband is no help at home at all!!



## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

First time poster here  I am going crazy and am mad as hell that my husband acts like he does so much but really does not much of anything at home to help with the kids. He normally works away from home during the week and is only home some weekends but he recently took a job closer to home. I though great, i will have so much more help.....WRONG!! He decided he wanted night shift because it was more money and I was not thrilled about it because I am home all day with an 18 month old while he wil be sleeping. He assured me that he would stay up after hos shift and get our 5 year old daughter up and on the bus to school so I could stay in bed longer.....perfect (if it ever happened!) Sorry I'm babbling lol, to the point........this morning I was fast asleep at 6:30 and my alarm was going off to get my daughter up and ready since he hadn't been doing it and I was so tired because I'd been up until 2am with my sick son I didn't even hear the alarm. My husband was wide awake laying in bed watching Netflix and woke me to get her up and tell me my alarm was going off. He knew I had been up most of the night and he frickin woke me up to get our daughter ready for school. I was furious! I am overreacting? I just can't believe that he was just laying there watching Netflix and couldn't do it himself! I made sure he knew I was mad and even told him I couldn't believe that he wasn't going to get her up. this may seem a bit over the top but it has been building for weeks of him laying around and never helping with anything if it involves the kids. Anyway, i get up and don't say anything else because my daughter is now awake and I get this text from him!!! 

"I am serious don't speak to me until you are ready to apologize. You don't respect me or my job ever. And it's not about just my job. Everyone is supposed to just rearrange there life because you don't sleep properly. Why don't you get your sleep together so we don't have to deal with your up and down mood swings all the time. I know he doesn't sleep sometimes but you don't try to sleep properly trust me I noticed in the six weeks I was off. So don;t say you are done this time ever again unless you mean it because I do not need anymore stress in my life right now please."

I did say that I was done with this crap and I meant it. Is this crazy and uncalled for or am I losing my mind? I honestly don't know anymore because he acts like everything I do or say or if I'm tired or grumpy I am ruining everyones damn life. I feel a bit nuts writing this and asking strangers to reassure me that I am not wrong but I'm at a complete loss and need to make a plan.

Thanks for listening to me babble on and rant, any advice at all is appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What time did you get home from work?

If he was at work all night, did he even know what you had been up night with your other child?

It sounds like you probably have good reason to be upset.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

He got home about 6 and woke me up at 6:30 and he knew I was up with the baby because he text around midnight and I talked to him about 2:00am when the babe finally went back to sleep.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your lives have changed quite a bit since now he is working close to home. He got used to not being around and helping out because he was gone all the time.

The two of you need to sit down and renegotiate your relationship and how it is going to work.

You might want to take a look at the two books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The books go together, first you read Love busters and do what it says to do. Then once the love busting stops, you read "His Needs, Her Needs".

And if you won't read those with you and do the work, insist on marriage counseling. Once in counseling insist that he also do the books with your.

The two of you need to be a team. Clearly you are not working together.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Exactly! Thanks so much, I will get those books asap. I have mentioned counselling before because we've been having problems for about a year and a half and he thinks only I would benefit for some reason. Thanks for your input, I sincerely appreciate it!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

His nasty little text doesn't even make sense.

How are you 'disrespecting' his job because you expect him to - GASP - actually share in some of the responsibility of raising the kids he CHOSE to have? How DARE you. I guess he thinks his 8 hour shifts 5 days a week are MORE effort than *your *24-hour shifts, 7 days a week. Math must not be his strong point.

Let's get one thing straight - most people don't come right home from work and lay down in bed. I know I don't. I come home to what I refer to as my 'second' job - domestic chores, cooking and serving dinner, and cleaning up afterward. I certainly don't come home and lay down in bed and call it a day. He's acting as though he should be able to come home and do NOTHING just because he worked the midnight shift. Big whoop. 

Would he come home and go right to bed if he worked regular hours and got home at *6pm*? I highly doubt it.

It's the same damned thing in your situation - just different *hours*, is all.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My take on this:

You are a stay at home mom, correct?
Your husband has a full time job and pays all bills, correct?

Your job is? Let's be honest, what is your job? Do you see it as your job?
If your job is to take care of the home and take care of the kids, then:

Are your kids or kid on a schedule and fed, bathed, and put to bed at a regular time? Are meals prepared at a regular time? Are the clothes washed, folded, and put away. Is your house in order or chaotic?
What is your schedule? Guess who does your schedule? YOU. Guess who fires you if your job is not done well? NOBODY

My point is this: You are in charge of your life. There is nobody to make sure you're doing your job properly, or on time, or anything else. Your husband doesn't have this luxury. He has to be on time, and constantly has people looking over his shoulder. They have expectations, he has deadlines he has to meet, etc.

THE HORRIBLE characteristics of your job:
It is 24/7, 365 days a year. NO BREAKS--- unless you make yourself some. How about scheduling some "days off" with your husband's help? You NEED it. You DESERVE it (if you're truly doing a good job as a housewife).
As a single dad of 3, I know how hard it is! It never ends. It's stressful.


I hope you think about how well you're doing your job, and how you can help your husband. Also, how you can help your husband HELP YOU! I can assure you that fussing won't help, it will make things worse. Take care of your end in a manner that you would want him to take care of it if he were doing your job. You may be BETTER at being a mom and housewife than he is! If your end is square, tell him what you need of him and if he doesn't do it, tell him what the consequences are. But work as a TEAM on this. I suspect your husband will work with you if you tell him what you expect, and ask for his input.

RESPECT his efforts outside the home, and make your efforts worthy of his respect as well. IF he fails to respect your work, then you give consequences. 

You are supposed to be a TEAM in life. YOu are supposed to LOVE one another. Make your life the way you always wanted it.
Good luck,
JMO


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> His nasty little text doesn't even make sense.
> 
> How are you 'disrespecting' his job because you expect him to - GASP - actually share in some of the responsibility of raising the kids he CHOSE to have? How DARE you. I guess he thinks his 8 hour shifts 5 days a week are MORE effort than *your *24-hour shifts, 7 days a week. Math must not be his strong point.
> 
> ...


That's because you're a woman, and that's what a woman is supposed to do. Whereas a man has earned the right to relax when he gets home, because he's worked *so hard *for those eight hours. And really, you know that she's failing at her job because she didn't get up at 5:30 am so that she could hand him a martini when he walking in the door to facilitate his relaxation.

(I hope you know that I'm being sarcastic. I'm so not good at it.)


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

MamaLew said:


> He assured me that he would stay up after hos shift and get our 5 year old daughter up and on the bus to school so I could stay in bed longer.....perfect (if it ever happened!) Sorry I'm babbling lol, to the point........this morning I was fast asleep at 6:30 and my alarm was going off to get my daughter up and ready since he hadn't been doing it and I was so tired because I'd been up until 2am with my sick son I didn't even hear the alarm. My husband was wide awake laying in bed watching Netflix and woke me to get her up and tell me my alarm was going off.


Seems like your husband's job is more stress or work than he bargained for. He said he would get your daughter off to school after the night shift, and now has set different expectations. Why?

Either renegotiate this so that your husband sticks to his promise, or obligate yourself to do get your daughter off to school for his benefit (so he can relax, after work). Set a second alarm (or something) to ensure you get up. 

If you've had a long night and can't handle the morning, send your husband a text and see if he can help with your daughter in the morning so you can sleep in. 

In general, seems like too many expectations with too few communications. Talk more. Be gracious with each other and forgiving. You're a team, so work together.

Concerning your husband's reaction on your mentioning divorce, I empathize with him. Talk of divorce is a very negative thing in most marriages, and I think that conversation should be reserved for the most serious of situations that can't be reconciled. This situation doesn't seem to fit that description. You two can figure this out and live happily ever after!


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> My take on this:
> 
> You are a stay at home mom, correct?
> Your husband has a full time job and pays all bills, correct?
> ...


I am a stay at home mom yes but I also work part time and have a small home business as as well, he pays the majority of bills with his income but certainly not all of them. The kids are on a good schedule MOST of the time yes (we just got over a nasty stomach bug so it has been a bit messed up) but generally mealtimes and bath and bed times are consistent, laundry, dishes, house work, after school stuff and groceries/shopping etc is done. You're right fussing doesn't help at all! It's just vey frustrating when I've had the same coveraation over and over again where I've asked him to help with very minor things like taking the kids outside for half an hour while i clean rooms or whatever it may be. IF he helps once, he brings it up every time I ask anything else. Like I helped the other day blah blah blah. He thinks his job means he comes home and relaxes after work. I get it, he works hard and he works crappy hours but it was his suggestion to stay up after work and get our daughter off to school. That hasn't happened once  (even if he is up!). I am made to feel like I'm inconveniencing him asking him to watch the kids on his day off while I have to work for goodness sakes. A full time job out of the home shouldn't mean he has no responsible with the children at all. I have expressed that I'd like more help (within reason) like give a kid a bath or make one meal in 2 weeks and he thinks because he does dishes once in a blue moon that he is contributing as much as he needs to. I'm not meaning to sound petty just super worn out and feeling way under appreciated. He's just been off 6 weeks in between jobs and I feel like it should be easier with a second partner at home but that has not been the case!


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Seems like your husband's job is more stress or work than he bargained for. He said he would get your daughter off to school after the night shift, and now has set different expectations. Why?

Either renegotiate this so that your husband sticks to his promise, or obligate yourself to do get your daughter off to school for his benefit (so he can relax, after work). Set a second alarm (or something) to ensure you get up. 

If you've had a long night and can't handle the morning, send your husband a text and see if he can help with your daughter in the morning so you can sleep in. 

In general, seems like too many expectations with too few communications. Talk more. Be gracious with each other and forgiving. You're a team, so work together.

Concerning your husband's reaction on your mentioning divorce, I empathize with him. Talk of divorce is a very negative thing in most marriages, and I think that conversation should be reserved for the most serious of situations that can't be reconciled. This situation doesn't seem to fit that description. You two can figure this out and live happily ever after![/QUOTE]

It is very negative yes I realize that and we have talked about it as we've been having problems for some time and this is definitely not the only contributing situation. I have obligated myself to to get her off to school now because it's not fair to her if she misses.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> His nasty little text doesn't even make sense.
> 
> How are you 'disrespecting' his job because you expect him to - GASP - actually share in some of the responsibility of raising the kids he CHOSE to have? How DARE you. I guess he thinks his 8 hour shifts 5 days a week are MORE effort than *your *24-hour shifts, 7 days a week. Math must not be his strong point.
> 
> ...


This is how I feel about it as well and he doesn't go straight to bed after nights, he lays in bed watching TV! If he was exhausted from working all night I wouldn't be as angry. It's the fact that he was awake and not intended on sleeping and he still woke me to do it that rubs me the wrong way.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

There seems to be a separate situation festering here, but in this case you are both right and both wrong: 

1: he needs to be reminded of his willingness to help when you are overextended. The house rules were agreed upon in advance. If there are no formal rules, there are but they are not being consistently followed or he just has concerns about your organizational abilities, then take this as an opportunity to draw up a document of "house rules" and place yourself in the "house manager" position. Take charge. 

2: even though you were awakened rather abruptly, you shouldn't have snapped at him. That was disrespectful of him as a fellow human being. I get it, you don't poke a sleeping lioness but as you said in your defense you _were_ up late doing your duty to your child. Sleep is a basic human need. Gruffness is a symptom but there are also long lasting physical and mental repercussions. I would seek out IC, set a regular bedtime for yourself and consider taking something to help you fall asleep. 

3: he should have waited to talk to you face to face after work rather than throw down an ultimatum via text message and I would not accept that. Like you snapping at him before, it was not respectful of a fellow human being. If you need to apologize then so does he but don't make a battle out of it. Try to work together rationally to come to a mutual understanding. Also, if he doesn't have the courage to talk to you in person about it then you two need to go to MC and sit in front of a mediating presence. 

4: if he is unhappy about his work situation, then you need to discuss a situation where he can work regular hours again. Are you happy with this arrangement? If not, then what can both of you do to improve it? Can you put the kids in day care when they show they are ready and take up a part time job so that he can work daylight hours? Your wages may be eaten up by the day care costs but then again you might also have some extra money to help out or spend on your own interests. If you're worried about the kids, this may actually be good for them in that they will be able to socialize with other children early on in their development. Even though they make catch a bug every now and then, it has also been shown that they will be less likely to get sick. 

5: if he has a concern about your sleep habits and irritability, then he needs to understand the pressures that you are suffering from; it needs to be talked about between the two of you. Can you get a sitter so that you can do an extracurricular activity of your own (so that you can have a social life with other adults) or go on a date night with your spouse?


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

m00nman said:


> There seems to be a separate situation festering here, but in this case you are both right and both wrong:
> 
> 1: he needs to be reminded of his willingness to help when you are overextended. The house rules were agreed upon in advance. If there are no formal rules, there are but they are not being consistently followed or he just has concerns about your organizational abilities, then take this as an opportunity to draw up a document of "house rules" and place yourself in the "house manager" position. Take charge.
> 
> ...



There is a separate situation yes, I was posting about this because it seems there are so many other problems and I honestly wasn't sure if I was over reacting about this issue. I don't want to make it more of an issue than it needs to be but was hoping for some other opinions as I honestly may just be too tired and warn down to tell anymore/

2. I have been to my doctor to discuss this 

3. Sadly, most of our important conversations happen like this anymore. I had only been out of bed for 2 minutes when I received this nasty text. I have suggested MC and for some reason he responded "You would love that wouldn't you?" and that was the end of that chat! 

4. He doesn't want to work regular hours, he prefers nights (I hate when he works them) and now that he has started night shift he will be on them for at least the summer I imagine. My oldest is in kindergarten and I do work part time and have a small home business as well 

5. I need to do something like this for sure! Thanks for all of your great advice and info! It is nice to be able to read the different ideas that I don't think of.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You have every right to be upset with him as he is not fully shouldering his fair load with the family responsibility there at home!

That is more than grossly insensitive on his part! While earning a livelihood is the preeminent thing for him to do, he should never shirk his family duties there at the house simply because he chooses to work at night!

Trust me! The kids will long remember exactly who it was that brought them up at home!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MamaLew said:


> I am a stay at home mom yes but I also work part time and have a small home business as as well, he pays the majority of bills with his income but certainly not all of them. The kids are on a good schedule MOST of the time yes (we just got over a nasty stomach bug so it has been a bit messed up) but generally mealtimes and bath and bed times are consistent, laundry, dishes, house work, after school stuff and groceries/shopping etc is done. You're right fussing doesn't help at all! It's just vey frustrating when I've had the same coveraation over and over again where I've asked him to help with very minor things like taking the kids outside for half an hour while i clean rooms or whatever it may be. IF he helps once, he brings it up every time I ask anything else. Like I helped the other day blah blah blah. He thinks his job means he comes home and relaxes after work. I get it, he works hard and he works crappy hours but it was his suggestion to stay up after work and get our daughter off to school. That hasn't happened once (even if he is up!). I am made to feel like I'm inconveniencing him asking him to watch the kids on his day off while I have to work for goodness sakes. A full time job out of the home shouldn't mean he has no responsible with the children at all. I have expressed that I'd like more help (within reason) like give a kid a bath or make one meal in 2 weeks and he thinks because he does dishes once in a blue moon that he is contributing as much as he needs to. I'm not meaning to sound petty just super worn out and feeling way under appreciated. He's just been off 6 weeks in between jobs and I feel like it should be easier with a second partner at home but that has not been the case![/QUO
> 
> THere are many husband who believe their responsibility is to finanacially provide the wife does everything else even though they might also have a part time job etc. It is simple, you have talked about it, no changes. Make a list of all the things you do, specifically for your H.
> Clean clothes, ironing, cooking, etc
> Then start removing them one by one. Instead have an afternoon nap with the kids. If he complains then explain that like him, you need some down time and considering he is not helping, your down time is during the day so some things have to give, you cannot do all, until the baby is older and at playschool. Until then he either helps himself or goes without. When it directly affects him, he will get the message.


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