# I'm in a position to finalize things...and I'm not sure what I want to do



## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@cbarkhouse you have my sympathy. My wife is a high functioning Asperger's and your descriptive word "unconventional" resonated with me.

I have been with her for 31 years and her diagnosis which came late on in our relationship was a great help.

I wish you and your wife the very best. And please be aware that whatever you decide to do we will be here for you.

There are also several members of this forum who have Asperger's Syndrome, hopefully they might be able to offer their perspective on your situation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If it felt like a weight lifted, I kind of think you should go forward with the divorce. You might be able to consider whether you could still have some sort of platonic relationship with her or not after divorce. Of course that isn't always a good idea because sometimes it keeps people from moving on for one reason or another, but there are those who have a loose friendship as long as one or the other isn't trying to hold on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think for me the fact that she is cruel to an animal would be a major red flag and I couldnt accept that. I also agree with you that her having children would cause many additional issues. I think you are just having last minute wobbles, but its hard to see how you can have any sort of balanced and happy marriage with her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I think for me the fact that she is cruel to an animal would be a major red flag and I couldnt accept that. I also agree with you that her having children would cause many additional issues. I think you are just having last minute wobbles, but its hard to see how you can have any sort of balanced and happy marriage with her.


An Aspie meltdown can be a very frightening thing to witness.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @cbarkhouse you have my sympathy. My wife is a high functioning Asperger's and your descriptive word "unconventional" resonated with me.
> 
> I have been with her for 31 years and her diagnosis which came late on in our relationship was a great help.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the perspective. Does your wife ever exhibit extreme anger, or have you had to make permanent sacrifices in your life to accommodate her? 

I won't beat around the bush: after 31 years, knowing what you know now, would you still choose to be with your wife? I apologize if this question is too brusque, but this is exactly the future I find myself pondering.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you are unsure, can you pause on finalizing the divorce, or do you have attorneys etc involved?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude, I may sound harsh, but the reality of this world is that of dog eats dog. Divorce, period. 

From a biological point of view mother nature is ruthless, she doesn't care about your feelings, her feelings, or anybody feelings, it only cares about the survival of the species at its best for the species to continue and those genes to be pass on. YOU do not want to risk the change of procreating with her. Think selfish here, you must be. Get it over with and find a better suitable biological female to mate and procreate with. Think about the genetic implications for your future progeny. It may sound callous, but it is what it is. and no one can dispute that, unless you are an idiot who has not understanding.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, I may sound harsh, but the reality of this world is that of dog eats dog. Divorce, period.
> 
> From a biological point of view mother nature is ruthless, she doesn't care about your feelings, her feelings, or anybody feelings, it only cares about the survival of the species at its best for the species to continue and those genes to be pass on. YOU do not want to risk the change of procreating with her. Think selfish here, you must be. Get it over with and find a better suitable biological female to mate and procreate with. Think about the genetic implications for your future progeny. It may sound callous, but it is what it is. and no one can dispute that, unless you are an idiot who has not understanding.


Yeah, you're right, this is a much harsher perspective than what I'm looking for. I can only imagine if the tables were turned and I was in her position... Finding out in your early 30s that you have Asperger's, and the implications for raising a child. That's one reason I never would have dreamed of leaving initially after we found out. I don't care if our kids would have Asperger's, as long as we could raise them and deal with the challenge together. But I dread the scenario where she is just emotionally unable to handle a difficult child, and from everyone I've talked to, it seems highly likely that this would be the case.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

cbarkhouse said:


> Yeah, you're right, this is a much harsher perspective than what I'm looking for. I can only imagine if the tables were turned and I was in her position... Finding out in your early 30s that you have Asperger's, and the implications for raising a child. That's one reason I never would have dreamed of leaving initially after we found out. *I don't care if our kids would have Asperger's, as long as we could raise them and deal with the challenge together. *But I dread the scenario where she is just emotionally unable to handle a difficult child, and from everyone I've talked to, it seems highly likely that this would be the case.


Dude: In a way you are not understanding. How could you say that you wouldn't mind bringing to this world an Asperger child? that's irresponsible!!! Nature tells you to avoid that. It's one thing that unknowingly you procreate a child that has a condition, whatever that might be, you then deal with it; it is another thing when you knowingly, and willingly bring a new life that you know it might have a condition. It's like saying I have trisomy 21 and my wife also have trisomy 21 (down's syndrome), but we don't care we want to have a child. Yeah right.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your wife sounds so much like my daughter, and this is my fear for her future 

Please understand that people with Aspergers DO feel emotions, often very strongly. The problem is that they don't understand social cues so express them inappropriately (laughing when people are crying for example) and often have trouble regulating those emotions.

While yes, the risk of any children you or your wife have having AS is higher, it's not definite and even if they did, it wouldn't be a surprise and they'd get the early intervention that your poor wife missed out on, and set them up for success.

I personally feel that because your wife is actively seeking help to manage this, and because marriage is a lifelong commitment, that you should try again. I believe that you need to earn your way out of a marriage.

My heart breaks for her, her anxiety would be through the roof right now. I feel for you too, because despite having a daughter with Aspergers, I do understand how hard it can be at times to live with someone who has it. I truly do. The sensory things can be incredibly frustrating and the meltdowns epic and frightening. Just don't lose sight of the fact that this isn't her fault, and she is trying - you said that yourself.

My daughter has challenges yes, she struggles with some things both emotional and sensory. She's also incredibly intelligent, very caring and sensitive (we who know her understand that she expresses that differently to most people), bright and beautiful. Your wife too is so much more than just "an aspy".


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: In a way you are not understanding. How could you say that you wouldn't mind bringing to this world an Asperger child? that's irresponsible!!! Nature tells you to avoid that. It's one thing that unknowingly you procreate a child that has a condition, whatever that might be, you then deal with it; it is another thing when you knowingly, and willingly bring a new life that you know it might have a condition. It's like saying I have trisomy 21 and my wife also have trisomy 21 (down's syndrome), but we don't care we want to have a child. Yeah right.


OK, I think you're trying to be helpful, but just because one spouse has Asperger's doesn't mean with 100% certainty that the child would have it. I appreciate your willingness to weigh in, but whether intentional or not, these posts very much have a 'eugenics' vibe to them, and I would appreciate if you would stop sharing these.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> An Aspie meltdown can be a very frightening thing to witness.


@MattMatt I have no idea how Aspie meltdown look like, can you share an indecent if that's OK with you?


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

cbarkhouse said:


> @Kaliber see #1, #3, and #4 in the middle of my original post. Imagine having someone screaming at you, slamming doors and destroying property, and threatening you with divorce - all because you set the incorrect time/temp when re-heating leftovers.


Oh dear @cbarkhouse!
How did you handle that? how did you calm her down?
Do you like lock yourself in a different room, leave the house?
Poor women, must be hard for her as well, and known that later in her 30s!
To be honest, this is really scary!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You want kids and you want your cat. The way your wife treated your cat is unconscionable - don't want to imagine what she would do to a child.

Apologies are fine but they are useless to animals and children. Follow through with the divorce.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You want kids and you want your cat. The way your wife treated your cat is unconscionable - don't want to imagine what she would do to a child.
> 
> Apologies are fine but they are useless to animals and children. Follow through with the divorce.


I agree completely. I know people with aspegers and they dont act that way. If she really is that bad then she shouldnt have children or pets near her. 
I find it very hard to understand, if she is as bad as you say, that this wasnt diagnosed many years ago.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I agree completely. I know people with aspegers and they dont act that way. If she really is that bad then she shouldnt have children or pets near her.
> I find it very hard to understand, if she is as bad as you say, that this wasnt diagnosed many years ago.


She had a very difficult childhood. She grew up in a very patriarchal culture outside of the U.S., and her parents were physically and emotionally abusive (her dad much more so; we actually think that he also has Asperger's). For much of her life, it was conveyed to her that she was simply a 'difficult' child, and there was certainly no interest in pursuing a diagnosis. She had occasional bouts of suicidal thoughts, but never going so far as to formulate a plan.

Once on her own, and after moving to the U.S., she pretty much kept to herself for the 10 years before we met. She has some friends, but she always lived in the same small one-bedroom apartment, always maintained the exact same routine, and pretty much just always stayed in a comfort bubble. I think it was her moving out of this bubble after we got married that really triggered a lot of this stuff; of course, I had no way of knowing that until after it occurred.

The anger issues, extent of the abuse as a child, suicidal thoughts, etc...I found out all of this after we married. She says that she had 'repressed' everything, which is why she didn't mention it earlier. I believe her, but it has also radically re-shaped the nature of our relationship and my overall level of comfort around her.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You want kids and you want your cat. The way your wife treated your cat is unconscionable - don't want to imagine what she would do to a child.
> 
> Apologies are fine but they are useless to animals and children. Follow through with the divorce.


She says it would never happen again -- and it hasn't since I started the divorce proceedings. I want to believe her, but I cannot go through this even one more time with a cat, let alone a child.

Is it realistic to take her at her word on this? Or is it really just wishful thinking?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Keep the cat and let her go.

That behavior is not AS typical in my experience and even if it were it’s not excusable. My guess is that her FOO issues are substantial and she won’t overcome them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

CB,
Clearly you still deeply care about her either wise you would not have invested time, money and energy into your marriage and even divorce arrangement (considering her green card support and staying with her until she gets an offer elsewhere) But it really seems like a fait accompli, in that she is close to moving to another city and getting an offer, and by pausing you are just delaying the inevitable, there seems to be enough differences to warrant a separation. Right now she seems to want you more as a companion to help her bridge through this ordeal and i think that is your role here.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> CB,
> Clearly you still deeply care about her


I do, very much. When she first found at she had Asperger's, she told me she felt broken, and told me that if I wanted to leave she would understand. I cried for a bit that day at the thought of leaving over something like this, and at that time, it was the furthest thought from my mind. 



Lostinthought61 said:


> there seems to be enough differences to warrant a separation


This is something that has been bothering me for while...when we were dating, I felt like we were so similar, had so much in common. More specifically, with this being my second marriage, I was consciously trying to be far more cautious in the dating pool; any hint of a "this is not the person I want to be with" feeling and I was done. If we do end our marriage, I know that I am going to be scared out of my mind at how I could have 'missed' so badly, and filled with worry that I'm going to make the same mistakes a third time.

In hindsight, I don't think I saw our differences for a few reasons. I think it was a combination of never having been in the same city for more than a couple of days (the longest continuous in-person contact we ever had was 6 days prior to getting married), plus the way that my wife has learned to cope with her Asperger's (although she didn't realize it was due to Asperger's until very recently). She herself has admitted that she has gotten very good at emulating other people's behaviors (i.e., modelling 'normal'), and I can't help but wonder if she wasn't mirroring some of my own mannerisms, interests, etc. while we dated.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cbarkhouse said:


> I also realize I'm writing a _ton_ on here. I'm sorry for that; I just haven't had anywhere else to express these feelings, outside of my therapist. My parents are aware of what is happening, but I've not been able to bring myself to share any of this with other family or friends, I think in large part because of the fact that this would be divorce #2 for me. I think 1 divorce is understandable -- hey, people make mistakes -- but after 2, people start to think 'what's wrong with this guy'...


Well I know a really lovely man who had been divorced twice. Both his wives cheated. Since then, he has been in a very happy long relationship of about 12 years.

You did ignore red flags, you have mentioned some here, please be careful if you ever meet anyone else.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

unfortunately many many marriage fall under the same misconception that you think you really know the person when you marry them without really living with them for a serious period of time prior to that, its is only in the aftermath of the honeymoon period that you truly get an eyeful and a greater understanding of their behaviors and habits. Long distance relationship may work on paper but you truly never get to know the person, because each of you are on your best behavior when you only have little time with each other. i wish you both good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cbarkhouse said:


> She says it would never happen again -- and it hasn't since I started the divorce proceedings. I want to believe her, but I cannot go through this even one more time with a cat, let alone a child.
> 
> Is it realistic to take her at her word on this? Or is it really just wishful thinking?


If she cant help it, then how can she guarantee it wont happen again? If its within her control, then why did she do it before?


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> If she cant help it, then how can she guarantee it wont happen again? If its within her control, then why did she do it before?


This is a good question, and one that I really need to think about. I suppose her answer would be something along the lines of not knowing what was happening to her before, but now that she has a diagnosis and has been talking to a therapist, she feels that she could short-circuit future incidents.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> unfortunately many many marriage fall under the same misconception that you think you really know the person when you marry them without really living with them for a serious period of time prior to that, its is only in the aftermath of the honeymoon period that you truly get an eyeful and a greater understanding of their behaviors and habits. Long distance relationship may work on paper but you truly never get to know the person, because each of you are on your best behavior when you only have little time with each other. i wish you both good luck.


Well I dont agree that you have to live together but I do believe that you need to spend a lot of time together. Being together for just 6 days prior to marriage is madness.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Well I dont agree that you have to live together but I do believe that you need to spend a lot of time together. Being together for just 6 days prior to marriage is madness.


Not 6 days total, just 6 days continuously. We were probably together in-person for a cumulative 40-50 days before we got married. But it was almost always never more than a weekend or so at a time. This is actually something our therapist pointed out, is that even with 6 days in a row, you don't get to see the other person really living their daily life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cbarkhouse said:


> This is a good question, and one that I really need to think about. I suppose her answer would be something along the lines of not knowing what was happening to her before, but now that she has a diagnosis and has been talking to a therapist, she feels that she could short-circuit future incidents.


I wouldnt leave any pet of mine alone with her. Whether she has a diagnosis or not, nothing else has changed. Its hard to know how much of her behaviour is due to the aspergers and how much is just her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cbarkhouse said:


> Not 6 days total, just 6 days continuously. We were probably together in-person for a cumulative 40-50 days before we got married. But it was almost always never more than a weekend or so at a time. This is actually something our therapist pointed out, is that even with 6 days in a row, you don't get to see the other person really living their daily life.


Yes thats true.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I wouldnt leave any pet of mine alone with her. Whether she has a diagnosis or not, nothing else has changed. Its hard to know how much of her behaviour is due to the aspergers and how much is just her.


It's hard to convey here, but I don't currently have any major fears about her actually harming the cat. I've been going to work each day during the pandemic for about 2 months now, while she is at home. She has sent me pictures throughout the day of the cat, and I believe she is trying to be more friendly towards it. I think if she really was going to lose it again with the cat, she would call me and tell me (she has done that in the past).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cbarkhouse said:


> I appreciate the perspective. Does your wife ever exhibit extreme anger, or have you had to make permanent sacrifices in your life to accommodate her?
> 
> I won't beat around the bush: after 31 years, knowing what you know now, would you still choose to be with your wife? I apologize if this question is too brusque, but this is exactly the future I find myself pondering.


Extreme anger? Yes. Aspie meltdowns.

Would I do it again? My head says no, but my heart says yes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kaliber said:


> @MattMatt I have no idea how Aspie meltdown look like, can you share an indecent if that's OK with you?


Yelling screaming, panic attacks. That sort of thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cbarkhouse said:


> It's hard to convey here, but I don't currently have any major fears about her actually harming the cat. I've been going to work each day during the pandemic for about 2 months now, while she is at home. She has sent me pictures throughout the day of the cat, and I believe she is trying to be more friendly towards it. I think if she really was going to lose it again with the cat, she would call me and tell me (she has done that in the past).


Only you know if you could live with her for the rest of your life and have children with her. There were reasons why you wanted this divorce.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cbarkhouse said:


> It was one of the scariest moments in my life - up until the incident with the cat a month or two later. After a while, she locked herself in the bedroom, while I was making 'emergency' calls to our therapist for an appointment, not understanding what was happening. I think for me, the property destruction, combined with her saying 'I need you to suffer because you made me suffer' is one of the darkest things I've experienced. My wife says now that she was not in control of her emotions at the time, and I believe her, but still...
> 
> We ended up having a session with our therapist that afternoon - at this time, the therapist also didn't know about the Asperger's - who told my wife that she did not have a healthy perspective on the issue, and how dangerous it was to threaten the 'D' word. My wife agreed and apologized; unfortunately, as I've said, that wasn't the last incident.


Does she also understand, despite that she wasn't in control of her emotions, that they are in fact hers to control?

Does she accept that premise?

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cbarkhouse said:


> She had a very difficult childhood. She grew up in a very patriarchal culture outside of the U.S., and her parents were physically and emotionally abusive (her dad much more so; we actually think that he also has Asperger's). For much of her life, it was conveyed to her that she was simply a 'difficult' child, and there was certainly no interest in pursuing a diagnosis. She had occasional bouts of suicidal thoughts, but never going so far as to formulate a plan.
> 
> Once on her own, and after moving to the U.S., she pretty much kept to herself for the 10 years before we met. She has some friends, but she always lived in the same small one-bedroom apartment, always maintained the exact same routine, and pretty much just always stayed in a comfort bubble. I think it was her moving out of this bubble after we got married that really triggered a lot of this stuff; of course, I had no way of knowing that until after it occurred.
> 
> The anger issues, extent of the abuse as a child, suicidal thoughts, etc...I found out all of this after we married. She says that she had 'repressed' everything, which is why she didn't mention it earlier. I believe her, but it has also radically re-shaped the nature of our relationship and my overall level of comfort around her.


This doesn't surprise me. Her statement about punishing you sounds like something she was told as a child.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cbarkhouse said:


> She says it would never happen again -- and it hasn't since I started the divorce proceedings. I want to believe her, but I cannot go through this even one more time with a cat, let alone a child.
> 
> Is it realistic to take her at her word on this? Or is it really just wishful thinking?


I think it's unrealistic to expect it to never happene again. That gives her a rather unrealistic goal, which is essentially perfection.

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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Only you know if you could live with her for the rest of your life and have children with her. There were reasons why you wanted this divorce.





farsidejunky said:


> Does she also understand, despite that she wasn't in control of her emotions, that they are in fact hers to control?
> 
> Does she accept that premise?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I believe she does. At least based on the conversations I've had with her since she started seeing a separate therapist trained in AS


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> I think it's unrealistic to expect it to never happene again. That gives her a rather unrealistic goal, which is essentially perfection.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I guess, not so much the outburst, but the ultimatums and/or threats to leave. I'm pretty confident that this is what has killed my desire to remain in the marriage; more specifically, once I realized that I could not meet her ultimatums, I went through my own mini-grieving process for our marriage, only to have her apologize a day or two later. This happened 3 or 4 times.

I can say with 100% certainty that if it ever happened again, I would be out the door; I would not wish that rollercoaster on my worst enemy, and I feel like it's not unreasonable to expect perfection against the benchmark of not making a threat to leave the marriage in the heat of the moment (if it is unreasonable, I guess I have my answer, because I'm not willing to bend on that). I think an equally pertinent question for me, is whether the next time really is the point at which I walk out, or was it the last incident? For the past 2-3 months, I've felt solidly in the "it was the last incident" camp. But now I'm less sure of that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm sorry if I come off as mean; but, you don't have the right to subject an animal or a future child to her behavior. If something were to happen to a child, social services could remove the child from your care because you are aware of her tendencies so you would be an accomplice.

You can not trust she will be able to control herself and neither can she.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cbarkhouse said:


> I guess, not so much the outburst, but the ultimatums and/or threats to leave. I'm pretty confident that this is what has killed my desire to remain in the marriage; more specifically, once I realized that I could not meet her ultimatums, I went through my own mini-grieving process for our marriage, only to have her apologize a day or two later. This happened 3 or 4 times.
> 
> I can say with 100% certainty that if it ever happened again, I would be out the door; I would not wish that rollercoaster on my worst enemy, and I feel like it's not unreasonable to expect perfection against the benchmark of not making a threat to leave the marriage in the heat of the moment (if it is unreasonable, I guess I have my answer, because I'm not willing to bend on that). I think an equally pertinent question for me, is whether the next time really is the point at which I walk out, or was it the last incident? For the past 2-3 months, I've felt solidly in the "it was the last incident" camp. But now I'm less sure of that.


Then end it. 

She is going through a process that is trying to erase half a lifetime of learned behavior. Complicating that is her ASD diagnosis, to which @MattMatt and others can attest, entails tremendous effort to overcome.

Please understand, as I say this, that I'm not trying to be insulting, nor am I saying she deserves a second chance. I am simply stating what is.

You don't sound like you pack the gear to see her through this. She needs someone who won't hold her to an impossible standard.

I'm not suggesting it's your responsibility to do so, but realistically she is going to slip. It may only be occasionally. It may be more often than that. But make no mistake; she will slip.

For you to cut and run when that one slip happens is not fair to her, just as it's not fair to you to expect you to continue to deal with the abuse.

For that reason, my suggestion to you would be to follow through with your divorce.

ETA: And the above posters who mentioned the worry about having a child with her are spot on. She has a long way to go before she is ready for that...if ever. 



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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yelling screaming, panic attacks. That sort of thing.


All of this, as well as lashing out - kicking, punching, hitting. Or self harming - biting themselves, punching themselves. 

It's not pretty, my daughters are far less often now, as I can usually pre-empt them - I know her so well and can tell when she's reaching her limit. But sometimes despite our best efforts she'll have one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Luckily my wife does not self harm, she has on several occasions hit or kicked me, but rarely, thankfully.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> Then end it.
> 
> She is going through a process that is trying to erase half a lifetime of learned behavior. Complicating that is her ASD diagnosis, to which @MattMatt and others can attest, entails tremendous effort to overcome.
> 
> ...


Again, I'm not saying outbursts at all are forboden, but you think it's unreasonable to expect someone, ASD or no, to never threaten divorce in a moment of anger? Of course, that also sets up a weird dynamic... If extreme anger happens now, do I just ignore it? That feels a bit like I'm marginalizing her feelings, but I'm not sure what I could do otherwise.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm sorry if I come off as mean; but, you don't have the right to subject an animal or a future child to her behavior. If something were to happen to a child, social services could remove the child from your care because you are aware of her tendencies so you would be an accomplice.
> 
> You can not trust she will be able to control herself and neither can she.


This seems extreme... Does anyone else on here share the sentiment that social services would actually remove a child from the home due to my knowing that my wife has ASD?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cbarkhouse said:


> Again, I'm not saying outbursts at all are forboden, but you think it's unreasonable to expect someone, ASD or no, to never threaten divorce in a moment of anger? Of course, that also sets up a weird dynamic... If extreme anger happens now, do I just ignore it? That feels a bit like I'm marginalizing her feelings, but I'm not sure what I could do otherwise.


I am speaking more to the general psychology of someone with years of coping with FOO problems due to abuse, with which I am very familiar. That alone is hard to overcome. Many never do. 

I have very limited experience with ASD. @MattMatt would be much more qualified to answer specific questions regarding the disorder. 

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cbarkhouse said:


> This seems extreme... Does anyone else on here share the sentiment that social services would actually remove a child from the home due to my knowing that my wife has ASD?


Just for ASD? No. 

For outbursts like she has inflicted upon you and/or your cat? Yes. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> I am speaking more to the general psychology of someone with years of coping with FOO problems due to abuse, with which I am very familiar. That alone is hard to overcome. Many never do.
> 
> I have very limited experience with ASD. @MattMatt would be much more qualified to answer specific questions regarding the disorder.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


That's a good point; @MattMatt after 31 years, how do you handle outbursts with your wife? Is it something that you just learn to ignore/compartmentalize [any hurtful things she says]? Or is each outburst still a difficult emotional ordeal? And how to you distinguish between which negative emotions are due to an outburst vs. which are more "legitimate" (sorry, I can't think of a better way to put this)?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cbarkhouse said:


> Again, I'm not saying outbursts at all are forboden, but you think it's unreasonable to expect someone, ASD or no, to never threaten divorce in a moment of anger? Of course, that also sets up a weird dynamic... If extreme anger happens now, do I just ignore it? That feels a bit like I'm marginalizing her feelings, but I'm not sure what I could do otherwise.


Threatening divorce should surely be a no no in any marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

cbarkhouse said:


> Again, I'm not saying outbursts at all are forboden, *but you think it's unreasonable to expect someone, ASD or no, to never threaten divorce in a moment of anger? *Of course, that also sets up a weird dynamic... If extreme anger happens now, do I just ignore it? That feels a bit like I'm marginalizing her feelings, but I'm not sure what I could do otherwise.


No, not unreasonable at all.



cbarkhouse said:


> This seems extreme... Does anyone else on here share the sentiment that social services would actually remove a child from the home due to my knowing that my wife has ASD?


No they wouldn't. But given how late she was diagnosed, coupled with her traumatic childhood, I would have concerns for the safety of a child in her care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cbarkhouse said:


> That's a good point; @MattMatt after 31 years, how do you handle outbursts with your wife? Is it something that you just learn to ignore/compartmentalize [any hurtful things she says]? Or is each outburst still a difficult emotional ordeal? And how to you distinguish between which negative emotions are due to an outburst vs. which are more "legitimate" (sorry, I can't think of a better way to put this)?


It's not easy. I try to ignore her meltdowns. My wife also sometimes shouts 'divorce' in her meltdowns. They used to scare me, now I just shrug them off.

I use meditation techniques to try to chill out.

Her outbursts are still an ordeal. She appears such a nice person (she is generally, a nice person) but should the mask slip and people see a meltdown it shocks people.

Legitimate concerns can cause an outburst. One recent meltdown was caused because the pavement (sidewalk) we usually walk along was blocked. so we had to cross the road to use the pavement on the other side of the road. She was then unable to recognise the route we have used virtually every day for nearly 20 years and had a screaming meltdown because she was lost and accused me of taking her on a totally different route, one that we had never used before.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> It's not easy. I try to ignore her meltdowns. My wife also sometimes shouts 'divorce' in her meltdowns. They used to scare me, now I just shrug them off.
> 
> I use meditation techniques to try to chill out.
> 
> ...


So...no offense, but are you sure that's all ASD? I have no idea how old you are (guessing older, based on 31 years of marriage), but if I didn't have the rest of this conversation, I would've thought there was at least a small aspect of dementia in that sidewalk incident.

I mean absolutely no offense by this, and I'm still very much ignorant to many of the particulars of ASD. But it seems to me that it would be one thing for her to get angry at your initial plan (walking down the sidewalk) being disrupted. It seems another thing for that anger to be caused by her not even recognizing that you're still on the same street.

In other words, my wife freaked out because I 'ruined' the meal that she painstakingly cooked. But she didn't think that I had swapped it out with another meal entirely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No offence taken. 

My wife has had the getting lost problem since she was a little girl. So probably not dementia related.

It's typical of ASD.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> It's not easy. I try to ignore her meltdowns. My wife also sometimes shouts 'divorce' in her meltdowns. They used to scare me, now I just shrug them off.
> 
> I use meditation techniques to try to chill out.
> 
> ...


I guess that not many people could or would marry a person who screams and shouts and threatens divorce even if it was mostly caused by something they can't help. Can she control any of this herself? Does she act differently with others than with you? How do your children cope?
My first husband used to blow up and get angry and we all felt we had to walk round on eggshells(I didnt realise how much till I married my now husband who has the patience of a saint). My dad could also be angry at times, although with him it came out in a different way, and I know that I wouldnt and couldn't live with an angry person again no matter the cause. Its very draining and exhausting.


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> It's not easy. I try to ignore her meltdowns. My wife also sometimes shouts 'divorce' in her meltdowns. They used to scare me, now I just shrug them off.
> 
> I use meditation techniques to try to chill out.
> 
> ...


@MattMatt maybe I missed it, but do you have kids with your wife? I think I could probably get to where you're at, mentally, without children. But I am absolutely petrified of the scenario where we end up having kids, and I become a de facto single parent because of her inability to handle the stress.

At this point, I'm still moving forward with the divorce, the "point of no return" isn't for about another month.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cbarkhouse said:


> @MattMatt maybe I missed it, but do you have kids with your wife? I think I could probably get to where you're at, mentally, without children. But I am absolutely petrified of the scenario where we end up having kids, and I become a de facto single parent because of her inability to handle the stress.
> 
> At this point, I'm still moving forward with the divorce, the "point of no return" isn't for about another month.


We don't have children. Which is just as well as my wife has synaesthesia and certain high frequency sounds (including the crying of a baby) sends her into an instant rage. Having children would not have been good for us or the child.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

have you taken her to a psychiatrist?
i am no expert, but they have amazing drugs nowaday. and if she is borderline aspie, maybe that would push her over the line to sanity?









Asperger's Syndrome


WebMD explains the symptoms and treatment of Asperger's, a type of autism spectrum disorder that affects social skills.




www.webmd.com


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## cbarkhouse (Sep 22, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> have you taken her to a psychiatrist?
> i am no expert, but they have amazing drugs nowaday. and if she is borderline aspie, maybe that would push her over the line to sanity?


Please don't imply that someone with ASD is "insane" (even just a little bit). That remark is highly insensitive to the challenges that someone with ASD faces...people with any degree of ASD are not "on the wrong side" of a line between normal and abnormal.

And she is seeing a psychiatrist right now; it has helped, but she feels very strongly that she doesn't want to medicate. And even then, the psychiatrist has said that medication is not a panacea for many of the extreme emotions she faces.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> have you taken her to a psychiatrist?
> i am no expert, but they have amazing drugs nowaday. and if she is borderline aspie, maybe that would push her over the line to sanity?
> 
> 
> ...


There are no drugs specifically for Asperger's.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> There are no drugs specifically for Asperger's.


uh, did you click on my link?

_Some medications, though, can help with related symptoms like depression and anxiety. Your doctor may prescribe some of these:_

_Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors_
_Antipsychotic drugs_
_Stimulant medicines_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> uh, did you click on my link?
> 
> _Some medications, though, can help with related symptoms like depression and anxiety. Your doctor may prescribe some of these:_
> 
> ...


I did, thank you for your link. However, many people who are ASD will not take medications, as they are not ill, as such.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i did not mean to offend anyone dealing with an aspie mate. 
what i was trying to say was there seem to be a lot of SYMPTOMS that are causing all the relationship friction. Like she is anxious, and heating up a meal the "wrong way" puts her over the edge. Maybe if she was just a little less anxious, then she might be able to learn some coping techniques to not blurt out comments when she is feeling overwhelmed?

just an idea.
I mean hell, even pot or CBD might help take the edge off


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