# Outside Thoughts?



## Big_Deal (Sep 17, 2012)

OK I will start by saying me and my wife are High School Sweetharts. Been together since 1999 and married 5.5 years. I love my wife more than I can say but I have not showed her that. Of course there is many many things but she is all but shut down. Our issues are emotional. We do not have money issues. I have been selfish. The problem has arised recently because she has kept her feelings bottled up and they have finally erupted. I was blind and did not catch what suddle hints she has given me about them over the last year. We have never cheated on each other and I am 100% positive about that. She has told me she doesn't want to have sex with me and has thought about cheating on me. I know she loves me but has said she is not in love with me. I am working on the changes I need to make to show her that I was wrong in my thinking logic and will change. I have had an issue of procrastination which I have been working on as well. I am wanting to bring the connection back because I have no idea what I would do without her. I think she wants to fix it because she has told me she has thought about leaving but has not. I take this as a sign of hope. I have been lurking here about a year reading and learning but have finally got the courage to post up. The marriage councilor we are seeing is trying hard to get through her depression so that we can begin working on the other issues but there is a stone wall she has built as self protection. We are both felling horriable, sitting, thinking, and tearing up about it is an every night occurance for me and for her to. Just looking for some general thoughts if it is even possiable to reconcile or if we need to go on our seperate ways. Thanks for your thoughts and opinions. Feel free to ask any questions to clear up anything as of course it is complicated.


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## BeYou (Aug 17, 2012)

So you're still living together and seeing an MC?

What are you doing different now than a year ago?

It sounds like you guys have identified things aren't working, but have done nothing to figure it out?

What are the problems?


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## Big_Deal (Sep 17, 2012)

That is the main problem. We have in fact indentified some of the issues with me and I am working on changing those. We are working on breaking down the wall that she has built blocking me out for her self preservation so we can identify where the biggest issues are. Yes we are living together but I work out of town and am not home very much which is one of the problems. She puts it like we are more roomates than a married couple. As far as doing things differently the biggest thing is my career which has just started to take off so I have been spending more and more time away from home. I spent 9 months on the road last year and most of it consecutivly. She would come see me or I would go home about once a month on average for a weekend. The other is she feels that we are 30 years old and do not have a house of our own we can call a home and start planting the roots. We had plans to build that house but things changed and we had to postpone the build a couple of years which really hurt her. I was smoking and she hated that and I knew it but was to selfish to quit. I did not think it bothered her as much as it did and since I have quit (just recently 2 weeks without a smoke) I have realized that I did not spend as much time with her because I knew she did not like how I smelled from smoking. These are just a few examples of the issues. Most are actually small but have snowballed into a much larger issue. I was blind and thought I was doing my part as the husband. She does not have to work nor do I ask her to. She has a lot of time to sit and think so I think that has compounded on the issue.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm sorry for your pain in all of this,

If you are away about 9 months of the year, I'm not sure that's enough time together to pick up on her "subtle" hints. One weekend a month together is a long distance relationship. A house would mean roots, in that sense. 

Some relationships can survive that, more likely if it's Army based and they have a support system. She doesn't work, so maybe she should. Then the house could happen sooner as well?

Is the travelling going to be a permanent thing? I'm not seeing how one weekend a month is going to be enough for you to "build" on a marriage?


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## Big_Deal (Sep 17, 2012)

She has started looking for another job. She has worked off and on part time jobs but nothing real meaningful nor using her degrees. Where we live good jobs are very scarce. Yes the traveling is a permanent thing. That is the only way we can have a house. I make really good money but I did not go further my education after high school so high paying jobs for me are pretty thin. We have been talking about her coming on the road with me but she has not warmed up to that idea yet because of all the animals we have. (2 goats, a donkey, horse, 2 dogs, fish and so on) She is actually OK with the amount of time I am gone but I realize that is also a major contributing factor in our issues.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

But.. she's told you... you are roommates. That's because you are gone so much. She's gotten used to it... or finds ways to fill her time and that fills her up emotionally. maybe she isn't alone while you are gone? 

Do you have hard reasons to not move to another area where you can be home more? (like she cannot leave her sickly grandmother she cooks for).

To me, that would be an adventure. Find a more economical viable area where you can both work and be together more. I live in a big city. I can move 2 hrs away to a smaller city, where houses are half the price and there are lots of jobs. Just gotta look. 

It's obviously not working. She's ripe for an affair. So are you, btw. If it's not too late already.


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## Big_Deal (Sep 17, 2012)

I wish it was as easy as move. My job takes all over the country and I am not in one place for any length of time. Sometimes I am in one place for a week then the next place for 4 months never know. I can tell you this I WILL NOT cheat on her. We will be divorced or seperated before I even think about another woman and it will take me a very long time to do that if we split apart. I believe she is the same way and I am working on getting her to tell me if she has cheated. My gut and my heart tells me she has not but of course that little voice needs to know for certain. If she has I do not know what I will do, it will crush me completly. All the work I am doing to change myself to be a better man and save the relationship will be for not in my eyes. I do not want to loose her and want to make it work 100%. I think she does to and is putting forth an effort but I can see it is hard for her. I am by no means a very spiritual person, but I just pray everynight that we get through this. I know that the good lord has a plan for all of us good and bad so I just pray that his plan is for us to go through rock bottom to make our relationship that much better in the long run. There has been no sexual activity in a couple of months and very little in the past 8-9 months and that is getting a little tough. I have been very respectful of her feelings about that and have not even asked about sex or brought it up. I waited 3 years for her to be ready to have sex the first time so she is absolutley worth it.

We saw the MC yesterday late afternoon and it was not a good visit. my wife was not in a good mood and the MC was trying to get through the wall. This made her worse. The MC thinks she has a pretty heavy depression and thinks she needs to be put on an anti-depressant to see if that will help. ALL the issues are not with me. She wanted to get into Vet school real bad and could not so that has had her down since, her parents also went through a pretty bad spell a couple of years ago that brought her down to. I should have been there more for her in that situation. I think it is a good idea to give it a try just to see if it can help break down that wall. After our weekly meetings (only has been 3 so far) me and my wife usually have several heart filled talks. I cry and she cries. She is having just as hard of a time with feeling like she is hurting me as the pain she feels for what I have done to her emotionally. This would be so much easier on both of us if one of us was abusive or something like that. But since we both still love each other it is making it very hard.

I appreciate the oppertunity to vent here. I know sometimes the truth hurts but I know deep down we can do it. There are lots of success stories out there and I hope we can be one of those.


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