# Wife just left me a few weeks ago



## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Hi, a little back story, me and my wife have know each other since we were teenagers we got together when I was 20 and she was 19, we got married 1 year in and I’m now 29 we have kids together, she had 1 child from her previous marriage.

I had a feeling we were going down hill and I tryed everything possible I even almost lost my job because she was just ready to toss in the towel so I would come home so we could discuss things. 

I’ll be honest I was not the best husband I had jealousy issues where I did not Feel comfortable with her talking to her ex’s and that’s what made us argue, I never asked her to work I let her be a stay at home mom I never once asked her to work, I bought her anything she wanted, I busted my ass at work so she could stay home with my step son and when our kids came along I busted my ass harder to make more money and I never told her my money I always said our money. 

I would go to work for 10+ hours a day to come home clean, make food for the kids, get there lunches ready for school, get up and get them to school, go pick up her son after I would get off work, she would just sit there on her phone.

My big thing is she left me 3 weeks ago and has moved in and re started dating her very first boyfriend we only separated maybe 3 weeks ago and she has already introduced him to my children, before she left me we started having a lot of sex and I mean a lot. Don’t no if this is to much info but we even did anal for the first time and she let me finish in there, then the day she left we were already separated but she let me touch her and she was even kissing me and we did have sex.

I’m wondering if she is in a rebound relationship, she chose to leave me, I am honestly fine that she left I have actually improved mentally and started getting in shape and doing the old things I loved. I’m really worrie about her mental health From what I remember she has never been single for very long I feel she needs to have a man in her life to show her love, I just worrie she is going to try so hard to make this relationship work and get my kids attached to this guy the. BAM he’s gone.

Her friends even said a long time ago that her ex has been known to sleep with girls then toss them out and do it over and over. Even his own mom told her to not go back to him he has new girlfriends all the time. I just worrie she is going to push herself to believe it’s working and end up mentally ruining herself and messing our kids mental state up as well.

Sorry for the long convo what are you’re guys thought?

Also she is a very attractive girl a lot of guys always tryed hitting on her I always told her she was beautiful and amazing. But ever since she got back with her ex she writes me “ I was horrible to her during our marriage and even after and she will never forget how horrible I treated her” I never hit her I did not talk down to her yes during our arguments we would both say hurtful things.

Do you guys think I was a bad person and do you think she is in a rebound relationship or maybe they have a shot I just don’t want her mental state to get more messed up she is a very fragil girl, I just hate to knowing someone is taking advantage of her.


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Also she has already moved in with this guy. He has no kids and has not been in a long relationship at all that I no of.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She was never 'really' in love with you. You were always a good pick.
Not the best [in her little mind].

Let her take her beauty and burn it out on as many men that will tolerate her. 
Sounds like she is very unstable.

When God made some people he put a little candle in them.
The candle burns "Wanderlust" oil.

It usually burns for years and years. But by forty-five, or so, the oil starts to get rancid. 
It drives people away. 

Luckily, most people who have this candle are shallow. 
They are butterflies. Your wife is this. A pretty butterfly.
One *burdened with children, diminishing her value with a lot of men.

Her type do not miss what they never had:
Love and compassion for others.
Love of themselves.
True understanding of life, of themselves.
Honor.

Another pretty plastic doll, that is all she is.
Until proven otherwise.

Just Sayin'

SCM



*note, children are never a burden, except to shallow, selfish people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hang on, if you met when she was 19 and married at 20, how is it she was already previously married and divorced with a child?

You say you got jealous because she was talking to her exes, I agree with you that talking to exes is dangerous, as has now been proved. 

I think that now you must think only of the children. She is a lady well into adulthood and can make her own mistakes and messes. She has left therefore you are no longer responsible for her life. The children however are innocent victims of a useless mother, and you need to get legal advise and see if you can at least get joint custody. At least then they will have the 50% of their time in a secure place.


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> She was never 'really' in love with you. You were always a good pick.
> Not the best [in her little mind].
> 
> Let her take her beauty and burn it out on as many men that will tolerate her.
> ...


She does not think of her self as this knock girl that can get anyone, she believes she is super ugly, but she is actually a very beautiful girl, if she came back I would not take her back, I honestly just wish she would work on her own self esteem and value herself and get a job and her own place so she can take care of her kids, right now her oldest lives with his dad and our children live with me, so this guy I worrie is just going to use her and toss her out.

She is the mother to my children we may not have worked out but I want my children to see there mom strong not weak minded latching into a old flame hoping for the best.

I feel she is in a rebound and this guy knows it and is just taking advantage of it.


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Hang on, if you met when she was 19 and married at 20, how is it she was already previously married and divorced with a child?


She got married at 18 and got pregnant with her first son and divorced right after.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bfa said:


> She got married at 18 and got pregnant with her first son and divorced right after.


Wow so you don't se that as a red flag? Looks like she is going to still be in her 20's with 2 divorces already. The way she is going she could end up with many more.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bfa said:


> She does not think of her self as this knock girl that can get anyone, she believes she is super ugly, but she is actually a very beautiful girl, if she came back I would not take her back, I honestly just wish she would work on her own self esteem and value herself and get a job and her own place so she can take care of her kids, right now her oldest lives with his dad and our children live with me, so this guy I worrie is just going to use her and toss her out.
> 
> She is the mother to my children we may not have worked out but I want my children to see there mom strong not weak minded latching into a old flame hoping for the best.
> 
> I feel she is in a rebound and this guy knows it and is just taking advantage of it.


I don't care what other's say.

Rebound is good. Laying. broken in a corner, or naval gazing while figuring 'what next' is a poor option.

Get out there and live. Just do not 'latch' onto a shooting star, or a turd.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How many kids? And are any actually yours?


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> How many kids? And are any actually yours?


She has 3 kids and 2 of them are mine.
Right now her oldest lives with his dad and the my kids live with me.

I want her to be happy she already been down this road before with this guy did not work out a few times and she is still clinging but hey let her keep trying even her mom already said “what are you going to do when he breaks up with you” my thing is she is already mentally unstable she breaks down with a lot of stress, *cannot* handle pressure so she said she can’t work I usually handled everything from school phone conversations to anything really she would start having panic attacks trying to figure out what to say. 

My biggest issue with our hole separation in these 3 weeks she is trying to bring a new guy into our little kids life who is most likely going to leave when he had his fun. Her oldiest refused to go to her new place and to meet him, he asked his dad if he can just come to my place instead of going with her.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Bfa said:


> *My big thing is she left me 3 weeks ago and has moved in and re started dating her very first boyfriend we only separated maybe 3 weeks ago and she has already introduced him to my children*, before she left me we started having a lot of sex and I mean a lot.
> I’m wondering if she is in a rebound relationship,
> 
> She was in the relationship before she left.
> ...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She was cheating before she left. File for divorce and complete it. Keep the kids and make her pay child support. Seems like she is not into her children at the moment, use that to your advantage. They need stability in their lives while she recycles her ex's. Mommy of the year. 

She will try and come back when she gets sick of paying CS. Don't let her, she will just cheat again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bfa said:


> She has 3 kids and 2 of them are mine.
> Right now her oldest lives with his dad and the my kids live with me.
> 
> I want her to be happy she already been down this road before with this guy did not work out a few times and she is still clinging but hey let her keep trying even her mom already said “what are you going to do when he breaks up with you” my thing is she is already mentally unstable she breaks down with a lot of stress, *cannot* handle pressure so she said she can’t work I usually handled everything from school phone conversations to anything really she would start having panic attacks trying to figure out what to say.
> ...



Cut out the excuses she's just your typical cheater.

You want her to be happy? File for divorce and full custody of your kids.

You need to stop your doormatish attitude. It will get you nothing


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Yep she was banging him before she left!


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Cut out the excuses she's just your typical cheater.
> 
> You want her to be happy? File for divorce and full custody of your kids.
> 
> You need to stop your doormatish attitude. It will get you nothing


I have already filed  I would never want her back even co workers see a difference in me saying I’m happier and calmer looking. No way in hell I want to go back to that.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Really simple my friend. She is highly unstable. She is attempting to add a new man into your children's lives. I urge you to keep the kids with you, and cut off her contact for the time being. Initiate divorce and let her know that you will be looking for an agreement weighted in your favor.

This may have been your wife, but no more.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I disagree she was cheating (having sex) before she left. She was working up to it, for sure, and using you to relieve the sexual tension that was building up between her and the new man.

She is saying what she has to and telling herself what she has to in order to justify her childish and selfish behavior. I agree with whoever said she was never really in love with you. You were a good choice. You gave her a comfortable life without too many complications. She stayed at home and you came home and did all that work? What was she doing all day?? 

She is a hollow shell. She is a person with no real core. There is no going back because you can never trust her. Move on. Take care of yourself and get into counseling so you can work on those communication issues. You are still very young. Good luck.


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Really simple my friend. She is highly unstable. She is attempting to add a new man into your children's lives. I urge you to keep the kids with you, and cut off her contact for the time being. Initiate divorce and let her know that you will be looking for an agreement weighted in your favor.
> 
> This may have been your wife, but no more.


My children are with me, she hasn’t even attempted to see them or asked to see them since I got them back, the only real contact was her asking me if I want to meet her new boyfriend since he’s in the picture now. 

I kinda expected her to try and get in contact with the kids and everything but no most I seen so far was what are the kids up to. That was when I first got them back.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Bfa said:


> My children are with me, she hasn’t even attempted to see them or asked to see them since I got them back, the only real contact was her asking me if I want to meet her new boyfriend since he’s in the picture now.
> 
> I kinda expected her to try and get in contact with the kids and everything but no most I seen so far was what are the kids up to. That was when I first got them back.



That just tells you what she is: Any cat can have kittens.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Bfa said:


> My children are with me, she hasn’t even attempted to see them or asked to see them since I got them back, the only real contact was her asking me if I want to meet her new boyfriend since he’s in the picture now.
> 
> I kinda expected her to try and get in contact with the kids and everything but no most I seen so far was what are the kids up to. That was when I first got them back.


Document all of this.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Bfa said:


> My children are with me, she hasn’t even attempted to see them or asked to see them since I got them back, the only real contact was her asking me if I want to meet her new boyfriend since he’s in the picture now.
> 
> I kinda expected her to try and get in contact with the kids and everything but no most I seen so far was what are the kids up to. That was when I first got them back.


Let her dig her own grave with the kids for now until the divorce is final and custody has been awarded. You are under no obligation to remind her to be a mother. She has her fun for now and when you show documentation that between the time she walked and hearings before the judge you fact have been the primary parent, The judge will award you a higher percentage of custody and she will have to work and pay you CS.

I reread your first post. There is no doubt in my mind she was having sex with you and someone else simultaneously, including her found joy to have anal sex. He was there first and it is highly likely finished with out a glove as you did. Get yourself tested for STDs. You have no idea where her partners have been and left behind for her. Send her the bill.


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Document all of this.


Before she moved out and even till this day she says she wants 50/50 custody and doesn’t want any money from me at all.

I feel 50/50 wouldn’t be bad so we both have equal say over our kids, her other son they have 50/50 he Lives at Dads but we all got along casually and never argued or anything. I feel if it can be like how the relationship with her other sons Dad is 50/50 won’t be bad at all. 

I feel court is a waste of time and money, my step sons Dad said he wasted so much money on court that he wishes they agreed to it like this before hand, but when they went through there separation she was trying to take custody from him. Now they split it and she wants to split it with me. 

What are you’re thoughts? I’m I being stupid, keep in mind I do not want her back I just don’t want stress in court and waste money that can go to my kids, since she left I been happier and mood has improved in general.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Bfa said:


> Before she moved out and even till this day she says she wants 50/50 custody and doesn’t want any money from me at all.
> 
> I feel 50/50 wouldn’t be bad so we both have equal say over our kids, her other son they have 50/50 he Lives at Dads but we all got along casually and never argued or anything. I feel if it can be like how the relationship with her other sons Dad is 50/50 won’t be bad at all.
> 
> ...


Don't trust her to do what she says or the right thing.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Bfa said:


> Before she moved out and even till this day she says she wants 50/50 custody and doesn’t want any money from me at all.
> 
> I feel 50/50 wouldn’t be bad so we both have equal say over our kids, her other son they have 50/50 he Lives at Dads but we all got along casually and never argued or anything. I feel if it can be like how the relationship with her other sons Dad is 50/50 won’t be bad at all.


If you can get 50/50 custody you'll be doing better than most guys. 

Since she's willing to settle, then why not propose that you'll have an attorney draw up a Stipulation that covers all the terms and you'll present it to her when it's finished for her review?

Then go find yourself an attorney if you haven't already, and tell him or her that you are pursuing an amicable divorce and all you need at this time is a Settlement Stipulation and go over the terms that need to be included therein.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

So she wants 50% custody but they are with you all the time. She does not have to contribute her share financially to raising them? 

Is this the situation you want to have going forward ?


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> So she wants 50% custody but they are with you all the time. She does not have to contribute her share financially to raising them?
> 
> Is this the situation you want to have going forward ?


I honestly don’t want to fight with her and I took care of her and all 3 kids for many many MANY years and she never once had a job in that time and I did everything myself, I dont care if she gives me money for them or not I just like knowing they are safe.
If she finds a job great I don’t want a dime I even told her hey I don’t want court and if you don’t go fighting over spousal or child support, I won’t ask you to pay back the debt you helped build up. 

I been doing everything all these years on my own and we were fine financially so with her gone I actually have money left over right now.

I don’t no if I’m thinking stupid or not but I feel like I just want a clean break from her and only have to deal with her when it involves the kids. My kids are priority #1 and I just love them so much I make sure they have what they need I rather her keep her own money if she starts working and do the same and give them what they need and diserve.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Bfa said:


> I honestly don’t want to fight with her and I took care of her and all 3 kids for many many MANY years and she never once had a job in that time and I did everything myself


If you were working full time, and she wasn't working at all, who was home with the kids all day when they weren't in school?


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> If you were working full time, and she wasn't working at all, who was home with the kids all day when they weren't in school?


She would be home, but mainly was living with a phone in front of her face, luckily I explained my situation to my job and they moved my schedule around so I can actually get my kids from school and everything, and my family has been happy about all the extra time they been getting to spend with my kids.

She would live with a phone in her face 24/7 even if she wasn’t talking to anyone just be scrolling through forums and stuff I honestly felt neglected and unwanted. I even told her before, I have no problem with you being a stay home mom, but i worrie you’ll get bored so you can work if you like just to get out.

No I want to be a stay home mom, was her response.

I was not the perfect husband I will admit that there were times when I got home and just wanted to sleep, or I got snippy or irritated I will admit I was not perfect.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

From a legal perspective, regardless of the truth or the facts which are often overlooked, she could make the case that she was a stay at home mom, the primary caregiver while you worked 40 hours a week plus commuting time.

So if she'll agree to 50/50 custody and no child support from you, you're probably doing better than you would if you had to fight her for it.

Hopefully an attorney won't get her ear and convince her to do otherwise. That's their job- get the two parties into conflict so that they run up the legal bills fighting over something that they wouldn't have done without their attorney's prompting.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Bfa said:


> I honestly don’t want to fight with her and I took care of her and all 3 kids for many many MANY years and she never once had a job in that time and I did everything myself, I dont care if she gives me money for them or not I just like knowing they are safe.
> If she finds a job great I don’t want a dime I even told her hey I don’t want court and if you don’t go fighting over spousal or child support, I won’t ask you to pay back the debt you helped build up.
> 
> I been doing everything all these years on my own and we were fine financially so with her gone I actually have money left over right now.
> ...


Courts are loathed to get involved in equity splits where partners are not married. That being said you have the house out of the way way. The debt she incurred you are willing to eat. Probably hard to get that back as she was a stay at home home. Judge would probably tell you to eat it. 

Since she has never had a job how is she planning to get a minimum 3 BR apt/house for the children to even stay overnight? Does she have any degrees or any marketable skills?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Courts are loathed to get involved in equity splits where partners are not married. That being said you have the house out of the way way. The debt she incurred you are willing to eat. Probably hard to get that back as she was a stay at home home. Judge would probably tell you to eat it.


I missed the part where he posted that he is not married to his "wife who just left him..." as per the thread title.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Bonkers said:


> I missed the part where he posted that he is not married to his "wife who just left him..." as per the thread title.


My bad, crossed a thread.


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

We are married and currently are at this moment in time.

I do not no her plans for work she has moved into her boyfriends 1 bedroom place and not looking for work as far as I no. 

But yes we are currently married -_-


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## Bfa (Dec 18, 2017)

Finally got to meet her new man, he is nothing like her usual type, or anything similar to myself or her other ex husband. And I could tell he felt really uncomfortable being face to face with me and if he’s like that he needs to realize there is the other kids Dad he needs to meet. 

Ether way I have my kids  we fully agreed on split custody just so no parent has more say over the other but let’s face it I have them way more right now  

I just wish my kids could see there mom happy and I feel she has a really long hard road to go down before she is even nearly happy since right now they are just running on this is a new relationship this is what it needed to be, that will fade I just hope she stays strong for our kids.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She is not your problem. You'll have enough on your plate taking care of you and your kids.

If you're smart you'll do a hard 180. If not you'll just linger.

Good luck


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bfa said:


> Hi, a little back story, me and my wife have know each other since we were teenagers we got together when I was 20 and she was 19, we got married 1 year in and I’m now 29 we have kids together, she had 1 child from her previous marriage.
> 
> I had a feeling we were going down hill and I tryed everything possible I even almost lost my job because she was just ready to toss in the towel so I would come home so we could discuss things.
> 
> ...



- She had a previous marriage and a kid in her teens, got divorced.


- She met you at 19 and you were 20 got married and had more kids.


- She's a hottie known to party and have fun.....


- She kept in contact with her ex, you didn't like that and she did it anyway


- You're a bit jealous because she is a hottie, she knows this


- You loved her and spoiled her rotten and catered to her in everything.......


- She knew she owned you


- She did very little of anything, not a 50 / 50 marriage pulling her weight


- Then she leaves you, starts seeing her ex again and introduced your children to him


- Her ex is a bad boy, known to use women for sex and go to the next one


- You are a Mr. Nice guy. 


- Women that are bad initially like that because of their last bad relationship but then they realize they miss that and ditch you with no remorse and blame you for everything.


- She has gone through three serious relationships / guys now and she's 28.


- Sounds like the classic hottie, she knows she's a hottie, can get whatever she wants and do little in return and get away with it.


- You are a nice guy, bend over for her. Woman don't like this because you aren't a man to them, you are a yes dear push over. Women like a challenge, conflict, stand up to them, be the man and leader, don't put up with their crap, that type of thing.


- I was in a similar relationship way back in my youth. My ex was a hottie and I did whatever to please her. She broke up with an abusive ex and met me. Then then suddenly dumped me later on and went back to him.......


- I am no longer a Mr. Nice guy and Mrs.CuddleBug is still married to me 18 years later.......I am the leader, get things done, do not spoil her rotten, do not put up with her crap and she knows this.


*- "My life experiences tell me, if a woman is a hottie, its skin deep, on the outside, that is covering up how rotten she is on the inside. The hotter they are, the more trouble they usually are....."*


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

Why do you care so much about her happiness? She obviously cares nothing about yours. You seem to be giving her moral support during and for her ongoing infidelity. Your stepson's welfare may be of her concern primarily, but what about your own children? In your shoes, I would see a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Set strict limits on when and where she sees the children. She has abandoned your family home and therefore, your children as well as yourself. Above all, I would make it a condition that the OM has no contact with your children. Based on your description, he is a dangerous presence in their lives. If you don't have the guts to stand up for yourself, do so for the sake of your kids. You seriously need to grow a pair.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Bfa said:


> I just wish my kids could see there mom happy and I feel she has a really long hard road to go down before she is even nearly happy since right now they are just running on this is a new relationship this is what it needed to be, that will fade I just hope she stays strong for our kids.


A good goal, but understand that only she can fix her, you cannot. While you can encourage her to make healthy decisions, you can't fix he. I don't see this other man as long term, there is a reason that he is an ex-boyfriend and she will remember that in time. Hope that you and your family enjoy a great holiday season.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You cannot control what she does. Not with other men, and not with introducing them to your kids. You can discuss with her about the stability issues in terms of introducing other men to kids, but you can't really do much else about it.

Your kids are a whole lot smarter than you think they are. They will understand that their mom is behaving poorly and making bad choices. They will see you as the stable parent. I don't think you need to worry about the kids, assuming any other men are not into drugs or criminal activities. I would strive to get as much physical custody as possible.

You need to be working with a lawyer asap. Only a lawyer can know how to best proceed where you live with the judges in your courts. In general, you'll want to document everything. Her history, her leaving, how she spends her time, how much time she spends with the kids, what the kids say about being with their mom. Also, everything about what you do with the kids. Keep a detailed diary accounting for all the activities and time you have with the kids, as well as money spent. This is a potentially very strong weapon in court for you.

As to her happiness, well that is up to her. You'll get to the point where you don't really care about her except to the extent she is capable of being a good mother to the kids. Which is a healthy detachment.

She has shown you exactly who she is over time with her exes. She was never into you or the marriage (or the family) in the way you may have thought she was, and certainly not like you are. So there is nothing to "recapture" in terms of your relationship with her, as it was never really what you hoped it was.

Jealousy? It sounds like your gut was screaming to you for good reason. What I would suggest is when you start dating again (probably not for 6-12 months at least) to keep aware of your jealousy. If you detect it creeping in without justification, then it is time to address it. If your gut is operating correctly, it will let you know. But sometimes people can be too hyper concerned, aka jealous, about a person's exes or opposite sex friends. Since your experience is pretty much limited to your stbxw, you probably don't have a good idea yet whether your jealousy was due to picking up real signals or was irrational. So just be aware as you start dating in the future, so you can work on it if you need to.


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