# I've been reading for a few weeks, now posting my story



## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

My wife told me it was over. She met a new person. 
We have 3 kids. 
I moved out. 
We have agreed to 50/50 with the kids and have already split up what little possessions we have, already.
We haven't gotten lawyers. We haven't even gone through the first step of divorce other than talking about it.
I'm in IC. 
I think she is as well, but won't really say exactly what's what. 
I'm trying to do what I can to remain in their lives. I take them as often as I possibly can. Though her schedule offers her more time than mine, other than weekends. I take them in the afternoon when I'm done with work early too.

I think rewriting this in just plain facts may be more beneficial to me.
Thanks for responding so far guys!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Most of what you posted is an irrelevant story about your life and those long meaty stories tend to scare away helpful responders.

It comes down to this. She's having a physical sexual affair with another man, she's even got the sex toys packed up and ready to go and yet you're the one staying home with the kids, and worse yet you moved out of the family home?

You need some serious legal advice because she's running all over you and if it keeps up the way it's been going she's going to take you to the cleaners and you won't do a thing to stop it.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Yeah I knew it would eventually be too lengthy of a post.
We don't really have anything other than the kids, couldn't afford much more than their well being. She offered to move out but I knew I couldn't stay there with her coming and going as she pleased either. So I left. We decided not to get lawyers, and that we would go 50/50 with the kids, I have that in writing. Not sure how much weight that holds but I do. We also already split most of the assets up when I left. 
I feel as if we get lawyers, then I'll have less control over the kids lives. Is there any truth to that?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You'll still need an attorney to make everything legal.

You can't just write this stuff down on a piece of paper and sign it.

She offered to move out, that means you live there she doesn't and she cannot come and go whenever she pleases just like you can't. 

She's the one cheating, don't make it so easy for her. Also moving out can make you look like the bad guy in the courts if this thing doesn't go as smoothy as you think it will.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Start detatching immediately. 
At this point, its not in your best interest to confide in her when it comes to your emotions. She'll think of you as weak. You need to get yourself together ASAP. Don't become the woman's doormat. Start off by keeping yourself together when you are in her presence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

After reading my own post I think that later tonight I will edit down most of the fluff out of my story. I agree that most of it is irrelevant to the innocent readers here on TAM, lol. 

So by me leaving the home, it makes me look like I was at fault? I didn't realize that, but totally see where you're coming from, Kindi.

I told her originally that this won't be smooth, but she insists on it being ok if we make it that way. I never felt that way and I think I agreed to those conditions before because I had thought there was still a chance to reconcile. Now that I'm past that part I think I will do what I can to ensure my own well being, legally. I just don't want it to turn out that I get to see them even less than 50/50 and end up having to pay her child support when we agreed that that wasn't necessary. She makes more money than I do and probably always will.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

N8vee said:


> So by me leaving the home, it makes me look like I was at fault? I didn't realize that, but totally see where you're coming from, Kindi.
> 
> Now that I'm past that part I think I will do what I can to ensure my own well being, legally. I just don't want it to turn out that I get to see them even less than 50/50 and end up having to pay her child support when we agreed that that wasn't necessary. She makes more money than I do and probably always will.


It's not a matter of fault it's a matter of if things get ugly she'll say you abandoned her and the kids and she'll have a greater edge if there's a custody fight. You're also making it easy for her to fool around with this other guy and what happens if she decides he can stay over there?

The noncustodial parent pays child support to the custodial parent as a percentage of their income as per a state formula, it doesn't matter what she makes, if she gets custody you pay her child support and that is not negotiable. So what you agreed to 50/50 the words mean nothing until everything's legal and things can change in a heartbeat and it sounds like they already are.

Spousal support is another matter entirely and if she makes more than you then you might be ok.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

N8vee said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PosOM lives a couple thousand miles away for now. So that shouldn't happen any time too soon. But I'm realizing that I need to be careful. This can only get worse it seems before it can get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

N8vee,
Here is where you stand with regard to the legal system.

1. The agreement you made with your wife means nothing to the court. Even a notarized agreement can be tossed aside by the judge if he/she feels it isn't consistent with the law. Right now you have no legal binding agreement with her. Either one of you can do whatever you want with the kids. 

2. You moved out of the marital home, therefore you abandoned your wife and kids UNLESS there is PROVABLE abuse (not likely as you are the male).

3. Your wife and kids are living fine without you there and therefore the judge will maintain the status quo for the best interest of the children. Therefore your wife will get exclusive use of the marital home, sole custody, and child support. All this while the OM moves in, drinks your beer, and raises your kids in your court-ordered absence. 

My advice (I am not a lawyer or law professional) is to move back into the marital home. Who cares if she is coming or going. Let her go, take care of your kids. They need the better, non-cheating parent right now. Make a log of when she comes and goes and then when you file for divorce, it won't be hard to show the judge that you were home with the kids while she was out with OM or whatever else she is doing. 

There is a way to do the legalities of divorce wrong and a way to do it right. Far too often the male just moves out and then wonders why he is handing over 60% of his pay to an ex-wife who has another man helping her raise his kids while he is court-ordered into being an every other weekend dad. Pretty bad spot to be in, don't let that happen to you.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I can't move back into the home that easily anymore, I have a new lease already. I didn't have anyone to move in with for the time being.
There has not been any abuse from either side.
We have had to already prove that I am taking care of them 40%+ of the time for insurance purposes. 
The only consistent thing she has been claiming through out this, is that she won't take my kids away from me. She won't move away. She won't make it so that I can't see them. I believe her for now, but unsure of how that will pan out in the future when she has another man helping guide her judgments. 
I'm ok with her having the kids 50-60% but I'm not ok with being an every other weekend dad. No matter what it takes I would make it work from my end. I was the SAHD and those kids already have a bond with me that is unmistakable. I just don't want to get fvcked over in court. 
Thanks for the replies thus far!


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Divorce laws vary by state, and we're not lawyers, so we can't give you real advice, but can hopefully help a bit. I am using divorce mediation, which means we have only one lawyer who helps us make those decisions, and deals with the legal mumbo jumbo to make it legit. I was relieved to find that a lot of the things you hear about divorce decisions, such as every other weekend visitation, abandonment, etc, just aren't true. If you and your STBX can be rational and make good decisions together, you have a lot of flexibility. You can stipulate 50/50 child sharing, and if your wife makes more than you, you pay no child support at all because you're covering half of their expenses. You can also specify that neither of you moves too far away. Either of you can keep the house. It's only abandonment if she files for it, and you left them destitute (e.g., she was a stay-at-home mom). Oddly, my STBX is now cooperating and the divorce has been very easy, at least this part. I wish either he'd been that cooperative while we were married, or that I'd known this and filed months or even years ago.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Thanks for your comment SP.
It seems that where I live, they want us to basically figure it out for ourselves if we are able to do so. We still talk, and can remain calm. We know that we both want what's best for the children. We don't own a home. We each have a vehicle and our own credit cards, which we both agree with each other to pay on our own. She wants to file for bankruptcy but I absolutely do not. I don't think I'm in debt so far that I can't get myself out, but she doesn't. We already know that we will be going towards 50/50 custody. We do want this to go smooth, and are trying to do so. I just don't want to be another guy that you hear about that gets screwed over in the end. I feel like I got the shaft already, being blindsided by her choices. C'est la Vie.


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