# How to deal with racists in-laws?



## Pinkyrose (10 mo ago)

Hi ladies. I’m new here and looking for some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 months. I’m Asian and he’s white. He’s graduating from graduate school soon and his father, sister are both coming.He knows and admits that his family are racist. His dad has made inappropriate comments and jokes before and his sister as been very rude to me before. She never acknowledged my presence, won’t look at me, never smiled or talked to me at all. It’s was very uncomfortable when I met her. She didn’t even bother to congratulate us whe we got married (we eloped). His sister wants to stay in our apartment for like 3 days when she comes over for his graduation. His dad and his girlfriend are staying too overnight. He already said yes to them. I understand that having them on his graduation is important to him and I want him to be happy. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety in the past and been to therapy and doing well until few days ago. I’m feel very anxious with the thought of being with them on his graduation day, most especially with his sister and even more having them stay in our small apartment. The last thing I want is to feel anxious and uncomfortable in my own home. My husband said “let’s just hope she’ll be nicer this time”. I don’t know what to do.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I'd tell him this is a one and done if they don't treat you as they should. Especially in your own home. Tell him sis's 3 days are contingent upon her treatment of you Aside from that, he really should have discussed it with you before inviting them to stay.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

When people dislike other people simply because their skin is different from their own, there is nothing you can do. However, that doesn't mean you have to take it, especially in your own home. 

You would not be wrong in anyway to speak up and shut it right down if they say anything. Just say "Do you have a problem with me?". And since it's his family, your husband should definitely defend you against any racist remarks.... This is your territory and home, tell them to leave if you have to


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Be as natural and open with them as you can and maybe this stay will be the thing that breaks the ice and makes you all comfortable around each other. Don't be fake serviant and overdo it trying to impress them because they'll see through that. I mentioned that because that is what one of my cousin's wife does when relatives are around. 

Just be natural and do what you normally be doing and acting like you would normally act. Talk to your husband beforehand about what will need to be done to accommodate them and make sure he helps you with all that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Pinkyrose said:


> Hi ladies. I’m new here and looking for some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 months. I’m Asian and he’s white. He’s graduating from graduate school soon and his father, sister are both coming.He knows and admits that his family are racist. His dad has made inappropriate comments and jokes before and his sister as been very rude to me before. She never acknowledged my presence, won’t look at me, never smiled or talked to me at all. It’s was very uncomfortable when I met her. She didn’t even bother to congratulate us whe we got married (we eloped). His sister wants to stay in our apartment for like 3 days when she comes over for his graduation. His dad and his girlfriend are staying too overnight. He already said yes to them. I understand that having them on his graduation is important to him and I want him to be happy. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety in the past and been to therapy and doing well until few days ago. I’m feel very anxious with the thought of being with them on his graduation day, most especially with his sister and even more having them stay in our small apartment. The last thing I want is to feel anxious and uncomfortable in my own home. My husband said “let’s just hope she’ll be nicer this time”. I don’t know what to do.


Your husband needs to step up a bit and not tolerate rudeness towards you.

I was about to advise you to take charge until I heard about your anxiety. That's a tough one to deal with.

Are you also a people pleaser?

Do you have trouble with conflict?

My daughter in law is like this.

She's part native American and I'm a bigot. Jokes!😋


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Pinkyrose ,

First, I'd say this hasn't happened yet, so worrying about what may not even occur is just going to send your anxiety through the roof. So the first thing I'd recommend is to do some relaxation type exercises for yourself that help you to stay in the present moment, rather than dwelling on a future that may or may not happen. I'm not sure what helps you stay in the moment, but maybe meditation or a journal. 

Second, I'd say that before anyone comes to spend an overnight in the house, that there be a meeting--called and lead by your husband. The meeting should be something like this: _"I wanted to bring us all together today to discuss the upcoming graduation and staying at our house. I want to re-emphasize that: this is OUR HOUSE...mine and Pinkyrose's. That means that if you want to stay here, you are welcome and our home is open to you as long as you treat us BOTH with respect. That means no cutting down, ignoring, or rudeness. If you do cut either one of us down, or ignore either one of us, or are rude to either one of us, we will ask you to find another place to stay."_

Set it up so that it's "Mr. and Mrs. Pinkyrose" against the world...you two stay a team. And it's not that you're "against the family," but rather you are putting them on notice that the two of you (Mr. and Mrs.) are TOGETHER and BOTH of you will address their attempts at shenanigans. If they disrespect YOU, they disrespect HIM and are risking the relationship with both of you. Make sense?

If he's willing to do that, then your job will be to assume the best unless or until they actually DO something rude. In addition, I'd be as gracious as possible and not go hunting for offenses as long as they are making an effort to be respectful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your husband needs to talk to them before they come and say that they must treat you with respect or he won't be able to see them anymore. 
I just don't understand people I really don't. We have many different nations represented in my family including Argentinian, German, Australian. I like it that we all mix well.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Pinkyrose said:


> Hi ladies. I’m new here and looking for some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 months. I’m Asian and he’s white. He’s graduating from graduate school soon and his father, sister are both coming.He knows and admits that his family are racist. His dad has made inappropriate comments and jokes before and his sister as been very rude to me before. She never acknowledged my presence, won’t look at me, never smiled or talked to me at all. It’s was very uncomfortable when I met her. She didn’t even bother to congratulate us whe we got married (we eloped). His sister wants to stay in our apartment for like 3 days when she comes over for his graduation. His dad and his girlfriend are staying too overnight. He already said yes to them. I understand that having them on his graduation is important to him and I want him to be happy. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety in the past and been to therapy and doing well until few days ago. I’m feel very anxious with the thought of being with them on his graduation day, most especially with his sister and even more having them stay in our small apartment. The last thing I want is to feel anxious and uncomfortable in my own home. My husband said “let’s just hope she’ll be nicer this time”. I don’t know what to do.


Your husband needs to step up and talk to his family BEFORE their arrival. He needs to make it very clear that acting like that will not be tolerated and if they do, they will be asked to leave. If that conversation has happened in the past and it didn't help, then they shouldn't be coming into your home. He can send them some hotel recommendations, at most.

I have almost no relationship with my parents (and most of my family) after they were awful to my wife far too many times. They were given opportunities to smarten up and they chose not to, so they were cut out from my life and my children's lives. Having a relationship with someone is a privilege, not a right. My mom wanted to see the kids this past weekend and I made it VERY clear that she would be in our house and she needs to treat my wife (and children) with respect and keep her opinions to herself. She behaved, but that was after she missed watching her grandchildren grow up and hadn't even met two of them (well, she saw one in passing but that's it). So she knew I wasn't kidding around. I have a family wedding coming up and I will be having a similar conversation again when that date gets closer. It is what it is sometimes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just cut them out of your life, simple. Hostilities and disrespect in MY HOUSE? They would be lucky to walk out and not be thrown out.

But if you wanted an extended family though, you should have thought about that before you eloped, sorry - but that is a big disrespect to the family not to mention you robbed yourself of getting to know your future in-laws before hand. I made the same mistake on my first marriage.


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## Pinkyrose (10 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @Pinkyrose ,
> 
> First, I'd say this hasn't happened yet, so worrying about what may not even occur is just going to send your anxiety through the roof. So the first thing I'd recommend is to do some relaxation type exercises for yourself that help you to stay in the present moment, rather than dwelling on a future that may or may not happen. I'm not sure what helps you stay in the moment, but maybe meditation or a journal.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. I have to talk again to my husband. He’s aware of the situation and how I feel but I think he’s trying to avoid conflict and brushes things off and never really addressed the issue.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Pinkyrose said:


> Thank you for your response. I have to talk again to my husband. He’s aware of the situation and how I feel but *I think he’s trying to avoid conflict and brushes things off and never really addressed the issue.*


You're going to have to make a stand with your husband.


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## Pinkyrose (10 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Your husband needs to step up and talk to his family BEFORE their arrival. He needs to make it very clear that acting like that will not be tolerated and if they do, they will be asked to leave. If that conversation has happened in the past and it didn't help, then they shouldn't be coming into your home. He can send them some hotel recommendations, at most.
> 
> I have almost no relationship with my parents (and most of my family) after they were awful to my wife far too many times. They were given opportunities to smarten up and they chose not to, so they were cut out from my life and my children's lives. Having a relationship with someone is a privilege, not a right. My mom wanted to see the kids this past weekend and I made it VERY clear that she would be in our house and she needs to treat my wife (and children) with respect and keep her opinions to herself. She behaved, but that was after she missed watching her grandchildren grow up and hadn't even met two of them (well, she saw one in passing but that's it). So she knew I wasn't kidding around. I have a family wedding coming up and I will be having a similar conversation again when that date gets closer. It is what it is sometimes.


Thanks for your reply. That’s what I want my husband to do, step up and not tolerate it. I believe it’s his call to call them out. I feel they act like that because they never been directly called out about the behaviour.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Pinkyrose said:


> Hi ladies. I’m new here and looking for some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 months. I’m Asian and he’s white. He’s graduating from graduate school soon and his father, sister are both coming.He knows and admits that his family are racist. His dad has made inappropriate comments and jokes before and his sister as been very rude to me before. She never acknowledged my presence, won’t look at me, never smiled or talked to me at all. It’s was very uncomfortable when I met her. She didn’t even bother to congratulate us whe we got married (we eloped). His sister wants to stay in our apartment for like 3 days when she comes over for his graduation. His dad and his girlfriend are staying too overnight. He already said yes to them. I understand that having them on his graduation is important to him and I want him to be happy. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety in the past and been to therapy and doing well until few days ago. I’m feel very anxious with the thought of being with them on his graduation day, most especially with his sister and even more having them stay in our small apartment. The last thing I want is to feel anxious and uncomfortable in my own home. My husband said “let’s just hope she’ll be nicer this time”. I don’t know what to do.


I'm with the your husband needs to step up and handle this. Hope is not a solution to anything. Hoping people are not making racist comments and being rude is not protecting you. It should be a stern warning that racist comments or rude comments will not be tolerated. And if they do anything, even something small he should immediately address it and if they have a problem he should drive them to the hotel. The problem is I've never met a real racist who was smart enough to know the line so the likelihood things don't end well is high.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell your husband that hope is not a plan. 

Why can’t they stay in a hotel?


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## Pinkyrose (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Tell your husband that hope is not a plan.
> 
> Why can’t they stay in a hotel?


the hotels are booked out. Undergrads are graduating the next day after his. His sister wants to sleep on the couch in the living room.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Pinkyrose said:


> Thank you for your response. I have to talk again to my husband. He’s aware of the situation and how I feel but I think he’s trying to avoid conflict and brushes things off and never really addressed the issue.


He needs to learn one word to address this behavior UNACCEPTABLE


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