# pornography, masturbation and trying to understand



## married woman (May 4, 2011)

So this forum has been a great place to learn about the male perspective on why married men masturbate to porn and has helped me try and understand it. I am still confused though because I feel like men say that they do it because they aren't getting sex frequently enough or the kind of sex they want. But then in the next thought, they say that it is something seperate from their wives and their wives shouldn't have a problem with it. I don't think that makes sense because if the man is using porn because his needs aren't getting met in his sex life with his spouse, isn't turning to porn unfair to his spouse if he hasn't even discussed this with her? I am talking about the situation when the woman is unaware her spouse masturbates to porn and then discovers it and it causes her an immense amount of pain and insecurity. How can you say in this case that it has nothing to do with the sex life between them? One is choosing porn instead of approaching his spouse about his wants and needs. Not to mention, the use of porn takes care of some of that need and makes the man less likely to approach his wife and initiate sex. I really can't wrap my head around this so any thoughts would be welcome. Just for the record, I am not talking about the case where the man is repeatedly denied sex- I'm referring to those where the wife thinks her husband is satisfied with their sex life because he shows no signs of not being until she discovers he masturbates to porn.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

married woman said:


> Just for the record, I am not talking about the case where the man is repeatedly denied sex- I'm referring to those where the wife thinks her husband is satisfied with their sex life because he shows no signs of not being until she discovers he masturbates to porn.


If the wife thinks her husband is satisfied with their sex life he probably is.
If he`s getting sexual intimacy on a regular basis with no strings attached, no assaults on his ego, and she shows she desires him and isn`t just doing "the chore" then she has no problem with his masturbation.
She has no problem because it`s a normal function of a healthy male.

We are almost a different species, *many* women are high maintenance concerning sex.
They need prolonged foreplay, has to be just the right time, has to be just the right mood.
Quickies just aren`t on the menu for a lot of women.

Then there`s the pressure of ..is she enjoying this?Is she just doing it because it`s her "job"? Is she going to get off? How can I totally rock her world?Should I do this? Can I do that?

Sometimes a guy just doesn`t want to bother her..he knows she`s not really in the mood, she`s tired or sleeping or the kids have been running her ragged.

Honestly this is all just a big pain in the ass for most men so it`s easier to just rub one out and get on with your day.

Now, if a husband is masturbating and has no interest in sex with his wife then the relationship has a much deeper problem/s.

I was under the impression that women masturbated as well..I`m starting to re-evaluate that belief however.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I am of the opinion that masturbation/porn is fine unless it affects the sex life or sex is withheld to masturbate and watch porn instead

it cuts both ways, while I am getting plenty of sex in the last two years (and havent masturbated much at all) there are times when the wife is sick or too tired and I am horny. She has no problem with me taking care of myself. And the same can be said for her, in fact I think she's masturbated at least thrice as much as me in the last two years.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

Tacoma- i have read some of your previous posts (one recently on another thread abt masturbation and controlling wives). I think you give very good insight and advice from the male perspective. Because of this, I would like your input if I told you that a lot of times women are hurt by discovering their husband masturbates to porn. They are threatened by it, crushed by it and destroyed by the discovery. I would also like you to consider the situation when the woman is not trying to "control" their spouse but protect themselves from getting hurt again and this is why they give an ultimatum on the porn. I think in my case, i had a hard time even figuring out why my reaction was so intense when I dicovered it. It scared me how I felt and I wasn't even sure I'd ever move forward from it. For me to go from a happy 10 year marriage to considering divorce.... not because of the discovery or the action of masturbating to porn but because of the secrecy from someone who I thought didn't keep secrets from me and because I had to find a way to feel better or I was going to lose my mind.....how do oyu wxplain this? There has to be more to it than a wife trying to control her husband, right?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

married woman said:


> Tacoma- i have read some of your previous posts (one recently on another thread abt masturbation and controlling wives). I think you give very good insight and advice from the male perspective. Because of this, I would like your input if I told you that a lot of times women are hurt by discovering their husband masturbates to porn. They are threatened by it, crushed by it and destroyed by the discovery. I would also like you to consider the situation when the woman is not trying to "control" their spouse but protect themselves from getting hurt again and this is why they give an ultimatum on the porn. I think in my case, i had a hard time even figuring out why my reaction was so intense when I dicovered it. It scared me how I felt and I wasn't even sure I'd ever move forward from it. For me to go from a happy 10 year marriage to considering divorce.... not because of the discovery or the action of masturbating to porn but because of the secrecy from someone who I thought didn't keep secrets from me and because I had to find a way to feel better or I was going to lose my mind.....how do oyu wxplain this? There has to be more to it than a wife trying to control her husband, right?


Well most men hide their porn use because they fear their wife's reaction.Usually because the women in their lives have shown them this is the common female reaction.

While their wife`s reaction is brought on by the issues you outline above usually the husband is entirely clueless to these issues so he's left with no other reasoning than she`s trying to control him.

This turns into a circle of madness that does often lead to an attempt to control eventually.(Thus the ultimatum)

The whole thing can be fixed by some honest discussion and trust but not many couples can get to that point because they`re too caught up in the crazy circle I mentioned before.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Speaking solely for myself, I think there are three, fairly separate levels of male sexuality: the physical, the visual and the emotional. All three can be a driving force and all three can be satisfied individually, or in varying combinations and strengths. By far the most complex component to arouse and satisfy is the emotional. Yet, I think the strongest and most frequent urges are physical and visual. These are simple, basic feelings that crop up whenever our subconscious minds get a spare moment. Why? Beats me!

I also believe that the physical and visual components are very much 'in the moment'--they don't much care about the past or the future. The emotional, on the other hand, carries a lot of relationship luggage and worries about the future. While satisfying the emotional component is by far the most fulfilling, it is also the most difficult, time consuming and emotionally risky. 

'Happy Hand Time', as someone else called it, is very simple and very 'in the moment'. It has no emotional entanglements. That part of male sexuality simply isn't engaged at that time. I think that this is what most women do not understand about male masturbation and what makes them uncomfortable. They think that when their guy is whacking off that he is comparing a mental image of them to whatever is currently visually simulating him. Trust me, we're not. We're 'in the moment.' We're not thinking about the past or the future. We've set the luggage aside for a while. 

So while a couple's sex life may be very satisfactory on one or more of the levels, I think it's rare to satisfy ALL levels, ALL the time. If it's the frequent, simple 'in the moment' urges that need satisfied... well that's easy. We all figured that out at puberty. But when it's the more complex, emotional urges that go unsatisfied... well that's a different story.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

So if that's the case, what's the solution? Women threatened by men's need for the quick physical and visual....how do we start to understand each other? Woman just aren't like that so it's really difficult for men and women to understande each other when they are so different.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

I think the solution is accepting that we're different, understanding how we're different (as much as we can) and having confidence that not everything our partner does is a reflection on us. 

I will never really comprehend PMS or the effects of menopause. I just have to accept that it's something my wife has to deal with. I may contribute to her grouchiness, and I _certainly _suffer from some of the fallout, but I am not the sole cause. As long as we both understand that, then it's a lot easier to accept.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Secrecy vs privacy in regards to how your perception is.

Secrecy implies bad behavior, hidden to stay out of trouble.

Privacy implies discretion without a value judgment.

When privacy for something that one party sees as having no impact on their relationship blurs into secrecy is when the other party sees an impact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

michzz said:


> When privacy for something that one party sees as having no impact on their relationship blurs into secrecy is when the other party sees an impact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes but concerning this particular subject the secrecy is often bred by the lack of privacy.

There`s that cycle I was talking about again.

:scratchhead:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My comments were not pointed at you particularly, but the OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

I know a lot of women will be upset at me for this but here goes. Some women like having something over their husbands head. They like the power and feeling of knowing that he has needs that only she can meet. What's between her legs can get her money for shopping or punish him when he does something stupid. So with that being said, they are not interested in genuinely satisfying their husbands. So they would rather run a 10k than spend 10 minutes having sex with their husband. Because to them there is nothing to gain from the 10 minutes of sex. But the 10k will help them stay in shape.

Why did I say that? because those are the women whom find out that their husband is having an affair at a strip club or watching porn and they explode in rage that even a serial killer would think is "out of control". 

That's why it's hard to talk about porn with some women. Women are very hormonal, if you tell her/she finds out on a "bad day" she'll try to cut your throat. But if you tell her/ she finds out on "a good day". She'll copy whatever is being done on the screen (which leads to great sex). 

That's why so many men (since the dawn of time) don't tell there wives. Yes it's separate pleasing yourself because your wife won't and your wife pleasing you. Some men do it just to release and let the sexual frustration go. Other do it so much because the porn will never say "I'm not in the mood" or "I've got a headache" or "Another time honey, I promise". It's always there as often as you want, when you want, how your imagination wants it. 

So if we were married and you caught me watching porn, and you had a rough day at work how would you react (especially knowing we haven't had sex in 3 weeks)? 

This is the reason their is so many "mixed messages" about husbands and porn. It's a tight-rope act 90% of men do. The 10% that don't have to do the act, are far and few (especially now a days in this world).


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

In my opinion, any time <_something_> is a concern for one spouse it automatically becomes a concern for the other spouse that needs to be addressed in one way or another by both of them.

That <_something_> can be anything from masturbation to porn, excessive facebook chatting, flirting with someone else, wild GNO, and on and on.

The one doing the <_something_> may come back and say that you can't control them or that it's 'natural' or some other excuse, but what really needs to be understood is that it's the concerned spouse telling the other that they care about their spouse and their relationship and there's an imbalance that needs addressed in whatever way the couple agrees on.

And if you don't believe that marriage is about putting your spouse's concerns as a top priority in your life or that it is only all about control, then perhaps you are not marriage material. imho.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Elliott said:


> I know a lot of women will be upset at me for this but here goes. Some women like having something over their husbands head. They like the power and feeling of knowing that he has needs that only she can meet. What's between her legs can get her money for shopping or punish him when he does something stupid. So with that being said, they are not interested in genuinely satisfying their husbands. So they would rather run a 10k than spend 10 minutes having sex with their husband. Because to them there is nothing to gain from the 10 minutes of sex. But the 10k will help them stay in shape.
> 
> Why did I say that? because those are the women whom find out that their husband is having an affair at a strip club or watching porn and they explode in rage that even a serial killer would think is "out of control".
> 
> ...


You'll have to duck for cover now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> And if you don't believe that marriage is about putting your spouse's concerns as a top priority in your life, then perhaps you are not marriage material. imho.


That works both ways on the exact issue though.

What to do?


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> You'll have to duck for cover now.


:smthumbup: I know:thumbup::iagree:

:gun:come and get me....ahhhhhhhhhh:2gunsfiring_v1:

:lol::rofl:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> That works both ways on the exact issue though.
> 
> What to do?


Any number of things can be done depending on the issue.

Sometimes just simple communication works wonders so that both spouses are on the same page and gain a better understanding of each other.

Sometimes it requires compromising - which by definition means that each gives up something in order to achieve a greater good or common ground.

I don't think there will be a single pat answer for all, but starting to talk about these issues when they come up, to listen non-judgmentally about your spouse's concerns and them listening to yours, and you both being willing to work at a joint solution are good places to start for any issue that arises in a marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't think there will be a single pat answer for all, but starting to talk about these issues when they come up, to listen non-judgmentally about your spouse's concerns and them listening to yours, and you both being willing to work at a joint solution are good places to start for any issue that arises in a marriage.


Agreed.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Well, my take on the subject is that she should realize that...

In most cases the husband would rather be having sex with his wife...but she's not in the mood for <whatever> reason...so he masturbates...better than going out on the prowl, is it not?

I have never once turned down sex for some "quality time" infront of the computer, or looking at a magazine...or how ever you access porn...at that point, I've gotten worked up and need a release...I would so much rather be causing pleasure for my wife than self servicing, but that isn't an option...

I really don't see how this thread can be resolved...

Later.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

married woman said:


> Tacoma- i have read some of your previous posts (one recently on another thread abt masturbation and controlling wives). I think you give very good insight and advice from the male perspective. Because of this, I would like your input if I told you that a lot of times women are hurt by discovering their husband masturbates to porn. They are threatened by it, crushed by it and destroyed by the discovery.


Have you evaluated your feelings about this? I mean, just WHY are you threatened, crushed and destroyed by it?



married woman said:


> I would also like you to consider the situation when the woman is not trying to "control" their spouse but protect themselves from getting hurt again and this is why they give an ultimatum on the porn.


How is that not controlling? If you didn't like the way your husband was driving, would you jerk the steering wheel out of his hands? You feel threatened -- granted. You feel "crushed and destroyed" for some reason -- OK. So the reaction is . . . establish a controlling behavior that essentially dominates your husband's sex life? How do you think that's going to make him feel? Try "judged and condemned". So you've made yourself feel better ("He doesn't look at porn anymore") at the expense of your husband's feelings and desires . . . you think that's going to lead to a stronger, more trusting relationship?

It's going to lead to him leading a double life, and getting a lot better about hiding his porn and masturbatory habits from you. And you will never, ever get to share that part of his life and sexuality with him. You might choose not to notice the hole in your relationship, but he will.



married woman said:


> I think in my case, i had a hard time even figuring out why my reaction was so intense when I dicovered it. It scared me how I felt and I wasn't even sure I'd ever move forward from it. For me to go from a happy 10 year marriage to considering divorce.... not because of the discovery or the action of masturbating to porn but because of the secrecy from someone who I thought didn't keep secrets from me and because I had to find a way to feel better or I was going to lose my mind.....how do oyu wxplain this? There has to be more to it than a wife trying to control her husband, right?


Not really. You felt that he had "secrets" from you and that made you feel betrayed. Did you ever once ASK him about porn? When you got married, did you expect that he would only find sexual stimulation from you -- anytime he wanted or needed it? In the final analysis, all normal men masturbate and look at porn. It's an essential part of male sexuality, and attempts by women to curtail this healthful activity are no less than an attempt to establish _total control _over their husbands. I mean, if you can control his orgasms, what _can't_ you control? You take away his ability to pleasure himself and you have taken away that last vestige of personal freedom he has -- except the decision to divorce you. 

Knowing how important sex is to your husband (obviously), are you willing to look him in the eye and tell him that his needs, wants and desires are unimportant? Because that's what these "ultimatums" mean to us dudes: "Your happiness is far less important than my happiness."

Should you issue "the ultimatum", are you prepared to give him editorial control over the things you like to read/watch for pleasure?


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Ur husband has prob been pulling on his penis since he was a wee lad. You can't dictate what he dies with it now. Ur acting like a mommy and that's not cute at all. Now in response he is acting like a child and hidding it from u which is ridiculous


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Speaking for my own experience, regardless of how active my sex life is (or isn't, as the case may be), I still masturbate. My frequency may decline when the sex life is more active, but that's it. Why do I still do it? Would it be too simple to say, "Because it feels good?". I've never turned down sex in favor of it. But, if the wife isn't available or willing for any reason, and I have desire and opportunity...nothing wrong with it. She's aware of it. She's also aware that I enjoy porn, and has no problem with it. Sometimes we watch together, sometimes it's just me. And, sometimes, she'll even arrange for me to have the house to myself so I can "indulge myself" freely, without having to worry about our son or her aunt who lives with us.

When it comes to sexual release, there's nothing better than sex with my wife. Sometimes, though, it's just about getting myself off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

gagafree said:


> I think there is no need for masturbation as long as you and your spouse have harmonous sex life.


While I can certainly respect this point of view, I would agree with it only to the point of strictly applying the word "need."

By the same token, there is no *need* for ice cream if I have a well-balanced diet. But. It sure does taste good from time to time.

An over-simplified example, to be sure, but you get the idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Porn is wrong especially when your wife has told you she wants sex more frquently!!!! Sorry no excuse to masterbate to porn when you have a willing partner!!! Women have urges as well as men. I could masterbate all day long to self satisfy but u don't, I would rather be with my husband! It is wrong and a damn excuse!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Porn is wrong especially when your wife has told you she wants sex more frquently!!!! Sorry no excuse to masterbate to porn when you have a willing partner!!! Women have urges as well as men. I could masterbate all day long to self satisfy but u don't, I would rather be with my husband! It is wrong and a damn excuse!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Looks like you don't understand male sexual psychology, either. It's not a zero-sum game.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Looks like you don't understand male sexual psychology, either. It's not a zero-sum game.


sorry to say that is BS.no reason for a man to do that when they have a willing and able partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

gmabcd said:


> Porn is wrong especially when your wife has told you she wants sex more frquently!!!! Sorry no excuse to masterbate to porn when you have a willing partner!!! Women have urges as well as men. I could masterbate all day long to self satisfy but u don't, I would rather be with my husband! It is wrong and a damn excuse!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I tend to agree with this unless there are some activities that are off the table like blow jobs or in the case of selfish lovers.If the wife refuses to learn what the husband likes and only wants what she likes then it get old the same old same gets boring.

with that said I'm not saying if your wife don't let you pee on her while she sucks your toes you get a free pass to ignor her sexuality. in such a obvious mismatch then maybe you to wern't ment to be together.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

What if your partner uses sex as a manipulation tool, and also as a punishment? What if you are tired of the eye-rolling, and, or the poker face? What if you work you a$$ off the try and get her in the mood and you end up with scorn?
You bet your a$$ I am going to take care of it myself.

In a normal, healthy relationship, you will still see men and women masturbating;It's what most humans do. 

If one partner is not meeting needs, then p0rn sure is a hell of a lot better than cheating.


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## jonl1968 (Aug 26, 2011)

Is the original poster's concern over the physical act of masturbation or the use of visual stimulus that is not herself?

Guy's masturbate, a lot, and it is just reality. There is no way a couple is always going to be in tune with the others sexual needs/desires. Sometimes it may just be a stressful day and the male just needs a physical release.

I myself would love to have sex 7 days a week with my spouse. If I am LUCKY I have sex twice a month and many times have gone as many as two to three months without a willing partner! Her sex drive is VERY VERY different than mine! Do I masturbate regularly? Sure do! Would I MUCH rather be having sex with my wife? Hell yes!

I know when masturbating to porn, I am the most aroused looking at images of women that look like my wife because that is what I would really like to be doing. I also have many old (10 years old or more) Polaroid photos of my wife in not-so-discrete poses, that I "use" to help myself.

Would the original poster be as upset with her husband's masturbation if he was imagining her, or looking at photos of her instead of random internet porn.

So, is it the actual physical act of the masturbation that is disturbing or the use of the images that are not you?


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

jonl1968 said:


> Is the original poster's concern over the physical act of masturbation or the use of visual stimulus that is not herself?
> 
> Guy's masturbate, a lot, and it is just reality. There is no way a couple is always going to be in tune with the others sexual needs/desires. Sometimes it may just be a stressful day and the male just needs a physical release.
> 
> ...


I thought I was a little off for that, but I do prefer to find images of women that remind me of my wife...but like you, my wifey doesn't seem to have anywhere near the same sex drive that I do...it's been six weeks today since our last intimate moment, and the OP thinks I'm just gonna "store" the build up?? PULL YOUR HEAD OUT!! If she was willing, there would be not doubt where I would be headed...anywhere she was  ...but since the reality is quite different, I go for the internet and search for her...

What's a guy to do?? I'm not about to cheat on her, and she doesn't seem to understand or she can't figure out how to get into the mood more often...(although I think if she would just give it a shot, she might find the mood comes to her)

Later.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I know is that in my marriage, I was a once a day (or more often) masturbater. With subscriptions to a site or two of nekkid ladies.

Since finding my GF about 8 months ago, I haven't even felt the urge to rub one out on my own. Even when she's been off traveling for a week or more. If we look at porn, it's together. If I'm tugging on it, it's because she's in the room with me. Basically, keep me satisfied, and I have no desire for the other stuff.

Of course, this may just be me... Your mileage may vary...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

PBear said:


> All I know is that in my marriage, I was a once a day (or more often) masturbater. With subscriptions to a site or two of nekkid ladies.
> 
> Since finding my GF about 8 months ago, I haven't even felt the urge to rub one out on my own. Even when she's been off traveling for a week or more. If we look at porn, it's together. If I'm tugging on it, it's because she's in the room with me. Basically, keep me satisfied, and I have no desire for the other stuff.
> 
> ...


imagine that!

if you keep your dog well fed he stays out of the garbage or leaves his penis alone. :smthumbup:


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

tacoma said:


> . I was under the impression that women masturbated as well..I`m starting to re-evaluate that belief however.


 it's true...maybe not all of us but some of us do. There is nothing wrong with it and can actually improve your sex life with your partner. :smthumbup:


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> imagine that!
> 
> if you keep your dog well fed he stays out of the garbage or leaves his penis alone. :smthumbup:


Gorblimey! Would you adam it?:rofl:


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I don't have any issues with porn but my husband does not like me looking at it , as it makes me hyper sexual , he says he has no want or need for it as he uses pics vids of me when we have been apart , which is quite cute as it has always been this way.


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