# Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behaviour in Relationships



## PatJourno (Dec 24, 2017)

Does anyone have any experience with dealing with a passive aggressive partner?

Any tips or hints?

Thanks muchly in advance


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

PatJourno said:


> Does anyone have any experience with dealing with a passive aggressive partner?
> 
> Any tips or hints?
> 
> Thanks muchly in advance


Passive aggression can be called honey coated hostility.Just remember it is still hostility and shouldn’t be accepted and more than any other form of aggression.
Be very direct when speaking to someone trying this behavior,do not speak in generalities,be very clear about what you will and will not tolerate.
Passive aggressive behavior is a way of avoiding conflict but it actually creates more conflict.Ask the person in question what exactly their concerns or complaints are and then act appropriately.
It takes two to play this game so don’t play.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I divorced him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Try to get everything in writing. So if you communicate with your partner by text or e-mail regularly already, it will seem natural anyway. 

Don't let him get away with giving things cutesy names that you need to decipher. You don't want him to be able to say "you know I get things wrong" as if it's your responsibility to read his mind.

When does his PA behavior show itself the most? Around family issues? friend issues? money issues?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Yes. Google books on Passive Aggressive and you'll find some good ones. It is crazy making. Reading a book or two about it will help you recognize when they are playing their games, so you call it what it is and not play along. Eventually the PA person will become embarrassed when their behavior is called out and they will lessen doing it just to avoid being put on the spot. That is how my husband got better.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

PatJourno said:


> Does anyone have any experience with dealing with a passive aggressive partner?
> 
> Any tips or hints?
> 
> Thanks muchly in advance


My partner and I struggled with each other’s passive aggressive behaviour for a bit. My passive aggressive behaviour was all about asserting control and hurting my partner. It usually manifested itself in the form of the silent treatment and hostility. How does your partner express passive aggressive behaviour?

DON’Ts (these are not constructive and will only facilitate the partner’s victim mentality thereby feeding the passive aggressive behavior)

-	Don’t berate her or criticize her behaviour
-	Don’t cave and try to excuse her behavior especially by begging/pleading
-	Don’t mimic the behaviour
-	Don’t ask if something’s wrong
-	Don’t get equally upset and try to aggressively assert that you won’t accept the behaviour (it is possible that this may work but in my experience that only pissed me off more and made me want to prove that I wouldn’t comply and the behaviour continued. Let your actions be the indicator that you won’t tolerate it)

Sooner or later, one person has to get fed up and take the high road. I always responded very well to compassion. Here’s the script my partner followed in response to my past passive aggressive behaviour:

DOs
-	ALWAYS REMAIN CALM AND COLLECTED
-	Recognize that while your partner is acting like a child, they are really genuinely hurting underneath. 
•	Approach when you’re calm and have mentally prepared yourself to remain that way no matter what
•	Ask her if you can have a few minutes of her time
•	Acknowledge that you hurt her and add some sweet words in here eg. Wife I love you and I hate seeing you this way. I really want us to work this out but I can’t do that without you. I promise you that if you help me figure this out then we can reduce the likelihood that we’ll have to go through this again. 
•	Let her know that you’re willing to listen when she’s ready to talk and leave her the hell alone. I don’t know about your partner but sometimes it takes me up to a day to calm down, feel stupid about my behaviour and mentally prepare myself to talk to my partner.

If she takes more than a few days, repeat. Except this time initiate the discussion on the problem instead of the last step (let her know you're willing to listen). When initiating the discussion, remember to avoid the Don’ts. Your partner’s passive aggressive behaviour is not the underlying problem here so that should not be the focus of the discussion. You’re here to try to resolve this sex issue. Perhaps initiate the discussion by explaining how you think she’s feeling, your interpretation of her perspective. She’s more likely to want to jump in and clarify her feelings and how you’ve hurt her etc. Once that’s out the way, ask that she do the same. Ask her how she thinks you feel about the situation. 

Should all of this fail then you have a real serious problem and only then would I suggest stating very calmly that you won’t tolerate this behavior, things will never get resolved if she continues acting this way etc. etc.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

@Keke24, that's a lot of work.

My ExH is P-A. I think really he wanted me to just get on with things..... instead acting all this psychobabble that doesn't work in the end anyway.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> @Keke24, that's a lot of work.
> 
> My ExH is P-A. I think really he wanted me to just get on with things..... instead acting all this psychobabble that doesn't work in the end anyway.


I can understand that you see it as a lot of work. That actually makes me appreciate my partner making that much effort to help me to open up. He must have done some research or serious thinking on how to address my pa behavior because he follows those steps every time. Even after I recognized his script, it still worked. I have a hard time not melting in the face of his compassion.

Some of us didn't grow up with positive role models for dealing with conflict. For some of us, this is what was modeled. We have enough stories on TAM to show that it is difficult to change ingrained behavior, and the older one gets the less likely change becomes. The tough **** attitude didn't work in my case and I'm so grateful that my partner decided to try the psychobabble approach. It has only made me more committed to proving my own willingness to resolve issues, more willing to take responsibility for my pa behavior and more appreciative of him as a man who will assert himself by taking control in emotionally uncomfortable situations.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't play.

If you must play to save your sanity, dish it back or agree and amplify.

I find the best way to deal with P-A is to just stop relying on them for ANYTHING, and let them go. Find a more reliable person, whether that's a friend, spouse, or a SO who doesn't treat you with shabby disrespect.

Leave them to carry on sabotaging trust & relationships on their own.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You might find insight in "When i say no, i feel guilty" - its a book about assertiveness. It might help with your communication and bringing out these behaviors.

When you notice passive-aggressive behavior you can use the skills in the book to start useful communication.
Hard to give any further advice with your lack of information in post


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