# Lost and Lonely



## Francismae2019 (Apr 4, 2019)

I don't even know how to begin. The whole story is far too much to write here. 

My marraige is falling apart due to many factors that all come down to what I am certain is a midlife crisis for my h. I have tried counseling, he refuses to go because there is nothing wrong with him that changing everything in his life won't solve. 

Giving up would be the easy thing to do but I want to fight for my marraige and the man I love. 

I'm sure I've done everything wrong because of existing insecurities and his insistence on not dealing with the complete change in everything about him, including his view on what constitutes infidelity. 

I can't seem to get through to him and everything I do pushes him further away. I have no friends to talk to so he's all I have, but talking to him only leaves me feeling weak and vulnerable for more hurt. 

Not talking at all is sending me into a severe nervous breakdown. 

He leaves for his winter job in a month and I know if we can't fix something we will be getting a divorce by spring. I'm not looking for advice telling me to leave him or criticism for not leaving him, I'm looking for an outlet to keep my sanity. 

I'm an intelligent, independent woman that has been there and is no fool to the reality of my situation. But I'm a fighter in every sense of the word. 

As foolish as it may sound, we had something great for 8 years and I'm trying to fight to get at least some of that back. 

A friend to mutually share with would help greatly to keep my cheese on my cracker.


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

What kind of life changes does he feel he needs to make? What is his view on what constitutes infidelity?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why don't you just start with this. 



> I have no friends to talk to so he's all I have.


Make some new friends and try to take some time doing things that you like just for you. You need to detach a little so whatever happens you can deal with it and not be so dependent on him. You need to empower yourself so being without him doesn't seem so grave. Then even if you stay together you can act out of a position of strength and not fear. Even if your marriage was perfect you should still do this because it's a much more healthy way to be. Your whole life and happiness shouldn't be dependent on one person, it's not good for you, that person or your marriage. 

Most of all you need to summon your courage. Courage isn't "being without fear", it's still acting even if you are afraid. 

Whether you believe it or not your life is going to go one with or without him and you still will have joy again. I promise you that. 

Take heart.


----------



## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

That's great advice from sokillme. I realize that making new friends is sometimes easier said than done, but it's definitely time to do that. Go to a gym. Most gyms offer different types of classes. That's a great (and healthy) way to meet new people if you don't have many other avenues of doing so. I understand the fear of possibly losing your husband. It can be debilitating. Continue with counseling for yourself. If you don't like your current counselor, find a new one. Join clubs and/or volunteer for causes in your community. All of these ideas are tried and true - - I've done them myself. If your husband isn't willing to work on your marriage, then at least work on yourself so that you can become stronger. 

Also, interact here on this site. Reading about others in similar situations can be helpful. And at least you will know you are definitely not alone.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You cant fix it by yourself. If you have serious instincts that he is being unfaithful then you need to start doing some in depth sleuthing soon. Hire a private investigator if you need to. Him leaving for a job for what sounds like months (??) is very bad at this point. You didnt give any details as to why you are having suspicions. There is no such thing as a mid life crisis, either, that is a made up myth to try and excuse someone for being an ass, cheating, and treating the other people in their life like crap. 

Anyway. Again, you cant fix it alone, if he has zero interest in making this work, it isnt going to. This is why finding the truth and exposing him is of utmost importance at the moment.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EmeryB said:


> That's great advice from sokillme.


What? Praise? You must be new here :grin2:

I kid...


----------



## Francismae2019 (Apr 4, 2019)

I felt I needed to add that, yes, I do know he had an affair that started at the same time his personality change did almost 3 years ago and lasted. On and if gettin what I can tell, for 2 years. Not sure to what extent the affair was since he lies about and hides everything now. He is absolutely paranoid about losing his $ and property in another divorce, not something in my character to do but I did tell him that if I catch him cheating again, my definition of cheating which is any inappropriate relationship or contact with any other woman, that there will be lawyers and a judge involved in our divorce. He got really silent. He knows I've not missed a thing this whole time regardless of what I can prove, he admits I have known things he was hiding, so it would be unwise of him to cross that boundary again. But I must leave the subject alone now until he is just about to leave for 6 months. I'll be joining him at some point, most likely much earlier than he thinks. I'm nobody's fool. In the meantime would love to find a friend to share mutually with.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why do YOU need to fix this? 

When he gets back from his work trip have his clothes and belongings bagged up in garbage bags on the front porch. Change the locks on the house. File for divorce. He's an asshat.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Francismae2019 said:


> I felt I needed to add that, yes, I do know he had an affair that started at the same time his personality change did almost 3 years ago and lasted. On and if gettin what I can tell, for 2 years. Not sure to what extent the affair was since he lies about and hides everything now. He is absolutely paranoid about losing his $ and property in another divorce, not something in my character to do but I did tell him that if I catch him cheating again, my definition of cheating which is any inappropriate relationship or contact with any other woman, that there will be lawyers and a judge involved in our divorce. He got really silent. He knows I've not missed a thing this whole time regardless of what I can prove, he admits I have known things he was hiding, so it would be unwise of him to cross that boundary again. But I must leave the subject alone now until he is just about to leave for 6 months. I'll be joining him at some point, most likely much earlier than he thinks. I'm nobody's fool. In the meantime would love to find a friend to share mutually with.


This is a very hard life you are choosing. I think you need to empower yourself so you can decide if it's really the one you want.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you think that he is cheating?

You have no friends? Has your husband isolated you from friends and family?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If HE is unwilling to change, and is hiding/lying, it is going to be VERY difficult to solve marriage issues in a one-sided fashion.
Are you SURE that he has stopped the A? Him leaving, being on his own, are you SURE that that he doesn't have someone already lined up?
You should get to a lawyer to know your options (NOT saying you need to start a D, but you should get a plan in place in case you need it.)
Very sorry you are going through this. He is so worried about his $ and property instead of his family. Makes you wonder what type of fog he is in.


----------



## Francismae2019 (Apr 4, 2019)

No he has not isolated me. I am not from the area we live in. He has lived here his whole life.


----------



## Francismae2019 (Apr 4, 2019)

I don't suspect he's been cheating, I know he has. Ive already done the sleuthing for the past 2 and a half years. He's been traveling for his part time job during that time and the first time without me was when it started. I caught him "talking' to her when he got home. Ive downloaded and save every phone bill since. He has gotten better at lying and better at hiding stuff. I do not work at the moment, I've worked in his business for the past 8 years, but I'm working to get my business going. I am planning on hiring a pi but it's expensive, especially out of state.


----------



## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Francismae2019 said:


> I don't suspect he's been cheating, I know he has. Ive already done the sleuthing for the past 2 and a half years. He's been traveling for his part time job during that time and the first time without me was when it started. I caught him "talking' to her when he got home. Ive downloaded and save every phone bill since. He has gotten better at lying and better at hiding stuff. I do not work at the moment, I've worked in his business for the past 8 years, but I'm working to get my business going. I am planning on hiring a pi but it's expensive, especially out of state.


If you know he is cheating, you may not need the PI. See a divorce lawyer first. Proving the affair doesn't usually make a difference in divorce. Focus on digging into the financial records to make sure he is not hiding any assets.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes two to save a marriage. And it's very hard work. What makes you think he would be willing to do that?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I can't see things working out very well, even if they do. That winter job thing, being away from home for an extended period of time, both gives ample opportunity for him to continue to cheat, or, if he does come around, ample opportunity for you to be thinking he's probably cheating. Either way you lose. I don't see a way for you to be happy down the road unless it's practical for him to not have to leave home for work for extended periods of time.


----------



## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too...I have known plenty of couples that have gone through this, and it's a living hell for the betrayed partner until they are willing to stop being the victim.
My best advice for you lost and lonely is to begin to take steps to protect yourself. Your husband is NOT your friend...
He clearly has no respect for you, and with out mutual respect, a relationship cannot possibly work.
Share your story here, and take the advice of others that have lived through it and came out on the other side (hugs)


----------



## Francismae2019 (Apr 4, 2019)

I handle all of the finances but he has a VERY large sum of cash he has hidden from his "cash" business over a 3 year period. He refuses to tell me where it is, only that it's safe and not in a bank. I'm well aware, as is he, of what up could walk away with, which is why he's worried about it.


----------

