# His Needs Her Needs



## aine

Things haven't been going so well, both at an impasse and neither willing to budge. I moved out of the bedroom as he decided to come home in early hours of morning after a drinking session last week (which he knows breaks my heart every time), he dismisses is as he told me he would be late, as if that makes it better, talk about disrespect. So in the last week I dug my heels in moved to the spare bedroom and ignored him (childish i know but tbh I am very fed up). H is feeling the heat and confronted (yeah) me last night. I told him I am ready to walk as I fed up of all of this and don't care anymore. He wanted my timetable and I told him as I have nothing to lose. 

We talked into the night and concluded we have treated each other really badly and taken each other for granted. So I introduced the idea of doing the HN/HN questionnaire. That was eye opening. 

I never realised I am quite a cold fish, he likes affection (his number one need), so do I but not over board. I am not good at giving affection (I am more an acts of service person). He also needs affirmation, he says I only see what is wrong with him, never what he does right. He does work very hard to provide a home, good education, holidays etc. I just took it for granted that that is his role, much the same is mine is to do everything else, (noone gives me brownie points for running a home, doing the bills, taking care of the kids , their needs, etc).

So I am not meeting his basic needs as above and he is not meeting mine. I need intimate conversation and he doesn't know how to do that. He admitted that that scares him as he has nothing to say.

So we have identified where the big gaps are in our relationship. I intend to work at the affection first then the affirmation, not sure how to do the latter without it being fake. I am a straight talking no nonsense kind of person and don't like pretending. Maybe it is because I have to be a more half glass full person?

I will do my part but how to get him to do his? He said he will but knowing his personality it will be so difficult for him and I guess I'll do the work and we'll go back to square one of me meeting his needs and I'm still not getting mine met. 

Any ideas how to do about this?


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## aine

OK, maybe I did not ask a specific question.
I think I know how to do the affection but could the guys explain what kind of Affirmation do you like to receive from your wife without it sounding forced or fake.

Your experiences would be helpful to know what I should be doing.


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## jld

I am a female, but I would advise you to just be as sincere as possible in your affirmation.

How about making a list of all the things you are grateful to him for, and sharing the list?


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## aine

I did this before and he has it in his case. I get a lot of talk from him, no or little action. Because he travels for work alot he can distance himself from everything. I am still stuck here. 
My IC says we need professional help as it appears communication in our marriage has completely broken down. I doubt if he will now go to MC and tbh I am so drained that I don't know if I can go through all of this. I read stuff by Gottman and see we are in this Pursuer-Distancer dance and the more I go after him, he sees it as abusive and disrespectful. I see him as talking only and refusing to really engage and therefore he is rejecting me.


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## EleGirl

First things first.

You two need to do the "Love Buster" book. They are companion books. You need to do it because you each have to tell each other how the other is love busting and what you want/expect from them. Then each of you have to live up to the love buster list/fix.

For example a love buster you can tell him about is that just like you ignore his working as it's just expected, he ignores your contributions. 

Then, only with the love busters out of the way can the HN/HN work really work well.

One thing you can do is to just tell him regularly how much you appreciate that he's supporting you. 

I have been the breadwinner for along time. What bothered me? I come home from work and he would not even bother to come out and great me. He never called me during the day to see how I was doing. Never said that he appreciated that spend my day working to support everyone.

Did you read the HN/NH book or just do the questionnaire?

The bit about him having a problem with conversation because he never has anything to talk about. Get a conversation starter book, or search the internet for conversation starters. You two can take turn going through the list of questions and ask each other. I know it sounds contrived. But some of he best times we had were doing just that.

I also used it as a way to spend times with my kids. We call it the 1,00 questions game. We take turns asking from the book. Then each person has to answer it. The kids loved the game.

One thing to do is to find something that you both enjoy doing. The book talks about this. Take a class together... scuba diving, dancing.. or a hobby.. gardening, photography... something. Having a joint interest means that you two have to work together to learn it. And you will have tons to talk about.

A couple I know took scuba classes. Then they started taking scuba vacations at least once a year. They love it. They have a blast together.

Just a few ideas.


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## aine

Thanks for the feedback. Yes I have the HNHN book, still reading. 
I printed off the love busters q but never looked at it. Try to do that this weekend. 

I used to be the breadwinner before the kids, while he worked also and partied (I earned more though) and got no thanks for it and wasn't bothered too much. I get irritated that he is so sensitive and I feel like he needs his ego stroked and I am the man rather than the woman in the relationship. He reckons he is emotionally weaker than me, and that was fine when I was young but now it is a bit off putting tbh.
I mean in terms of having to be strong emotionally, pick up the pieces, take care of absolutely everything (home, bills, kids, dogs, work part time, study, etc). He goes to work and comes back, travels, plays golf, and that is it and I need to build him up like he is the king (this is what I have a problem with, maybe it's my pride?).

Ok, now I am complaining, if I want better times, need to do what you suggested and see what happens. He has agreed to go to MC. My IC will recommend a MC and we will go from there. We spent the whole weekend doing things (dinners, comedy club for an eve, a wedding) and had a great time. Our son was away with friends and it was nice to just focus on one another, there's hope yet.


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## EleGirl

Hopefully all this work on the relationship will pay off.

To give you a bit of hope.. I read a study that followed people who said that they were unhappy in their marriage. 5 years after the initial interview where they said that they were very unhappy, 85% of the couples reported that they were now very happy. They had fixed issues in the marriage and were doing well. So there is hope.


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## WorkingWife

EleGirl said:


> Hopefully all this work on the relationship will pay off.
> 
> To give you a bit of hope.. I read a study that followed people who said that they were unhappy in their marriage. 5 years after the initial interview where they said that they were very unhappy, 85% of the couples reported that they were now very happy. They had fixed issues in the marriage and were doing well. So there is hope.


Do you know if these people do anything in particular (like MC or the Love Busters & HNHN programs?) to get happier, or was it just 5 years further along in their marriage?


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## aine

EleGirl said:


> Hopefully all this work on the relationship will pay off.
> 
> To give you a bit of hope.. I read a study that followed people who said that they were unhappy in their marriage. 5 years after the initial interview where they said that they were very unhappy, 85% of the couples reported that they were now very happy. They had fixed issues in the marriage and were doing well. So there is hope.


I started this post 2 years ago. Have things changed? Yes they have because I have changed. I think I am almost into menopause so my hormones seem to be more stable, I have less unstable episodes, I have become less co-dependent (thanks to IC and reading), I have a job which I enjoy and studies which I am soon to complete. My H still works alot, travels, etc but that is OK because I aim to fill my life with other things.
I know with or without him I shall be fine, I have done some short trips with him and enjoyed them, I just live in the moment, do not analyse things so much, enjoy my friends, dogs, kids (when I can) and just being.

When I think of the mess I was a few years ago and where we were, I realize nothing is permanent, things can change and your happiness should never come from someone else (regardless if you have be married for a long time).


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