# What to do?



## Scubaman (Feb 6, 2015)

I could use some much needed advise, I'm new here and looking hard for answers. My wife and I have been so called married for 23 yrs. we have 4 kids, two in college and two still in high school. I'm sure problems started years ago, we dated off and on in our teens, I guess I had my doubts if I really wanted a long term relationship with her at the time. There were little things that said we where different but at that age, who really pays attention of little things. She was fun and exciting, I felt she thought I could have hung the moon and I really like that. We both worked and went to school, I notice I would get ready to go out, I would clean up(shower, fresh clothes, cologne, wash and detail truck etc...) go and pick her up, she wouldn't have even washed her face or change clothes. This concerned me but at the time I did not have the heart to tell her she smelled like the meat counter where she worked. She was working and it seemed she was trying to make ends meet. The lack of caring about her looks, house, clothes etc... seems to continue today and is one of our biggest problems. She was small, petite, blond, pretty, had a sense of humor and like trying new things. She graduated valedictorian of her high school and would be college educated. I thought I was on the right path for a partner in life. I notice she did put things off and I still don't know if she would just forget or not realize the importance of doing things at the right time. I found my self reminding her to do things a lot. We started dating seriously and discussed marriage. One of the problems was she would forget to take the pill! yes, she became pregnant. I knew I wanted a family, house, farm, the works. I was excided even if it didn't come as planned. I think this is where it all went wrong. She changed. She would hid in her room, wouldn't talk, I could not make plans for us with no communication. I had to make all the decisions of our lives alone. Years went by, there where fights, (no hitting) yelling, and so on. I raised the kids the best I could, I'm not saying she is not involved, but I feel it split about 80/20. 23 yrs later, I have been able to keep us out of debt, I've have built us a nice big house, Ranch, and several companies. Its not money, or freedom, or the lick of activities available. I find it so hard to plan anything with her, she will not talk, she shows no interest in the place, house, businesses and not as much interest that I would like to see in the kids. There is so much water under this bridge, there no way to see the hole picture, but not wanting a clean house, nice yard, clothes in the closet, food in the cabinets, bills paid, communications, family planning, vacations, and so on is about to brake me. She will say she wants the same things but is not willing to put out the afford it takes to achieve them. She does not like Goals. I can't talk it out with her because she will not talk. There is not communication unless there is a fight, and if I think I've made progress, the next day it's back to the same old thing. How do I get her to feel good about herself, her home, and her marriage? enough to put an afford out to help save it, or have I fooled myself all these years?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sorry you're here, but welcome to TAM...

She sounds majorly depressed, or quite possibly suffering from mental illness or a personality disorder.

Hiding in her room refusing to communicate, refusal to discuss normal marital issues/goals, lack of personal hygiene (is that still an issue?), etc. suggest someone who is not really dealing with "reality", so to speak -- these behaviors are NOT normal or healthy.

I would suggest a visit to her doctor as well as a psychiatrist to find out if she is suffering from some type of medical or mental problem.

You have done the lion's share of the work in this marriage, and it sounds like you have tried to be a good husband and a good father. How are her "mothering skills"? Is she good with the kid(s)?

Also, is she still petite, blonde, pretty -- or has she "let herself go?" This can be very telling towards helping to diagnose depression or something else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that it sounds like she has a major depression. 

How many children do you have and how old are they?

Where is her family in all of this? Do they notice her behavior?


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## Scubaman (Feb 6, 2015)

Thanks, I've tried to get her to go. We went to marriage concealing once, then the concealer had issues come up and had to quit, we never went back. Concealing seem to make her open up and I could tell she did not like admitting certain things. I think that is why she really doesn't want to go back.
She has improved over the years, She can dress up, and she still looks good to me. I have to push the issue though, I wish she would want to do these things on her own. Its like I'm raising 5 kids instead of have a partner raising 4. It would be nice to see her smile and laugh at lease once a week. Have a conversation over coffee, want to see the outcome of some of the hard work that's been done around the place. Her weight is up and down but she is not big, I try to keep us fit, but she does not like working out or anything with a retain. Going to gym on Tues and Thurs is not going to happen, I have to sneak the workout into the daily activities. I'm not saying she dose not care, its the level of care that worries me. example, she cares that you broke your arm, but not enough to get you medical help or she cares that her Ant died, but not enough to call a bought when the funeral is or to send flowers. With her not communicating, a lot of times I don't know what has been done or needs to be done. I feel she loves me or maybe she just loves the security, but I do not feel she is IN LOVE with me or if she ever really was. She never had to live on her own or have to depend on herself for anything really, she lived at home, she had a full scholarship to college then I took over. This maybe some of the problem, she never really had to be truly responsible, and I expected my partner to be on the same page as we went through life together. I wish she had friends to talk to or go out with or have place to release what ever is bottled up in her. When ever I try to talk and try to explain that I see a problem, she will say she dose not see it that way and dose not want to talk about it or try to find a solution to the problem. So It continues over and over.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I asked about her family because I wonder if they see the same issues in her. How much of a family does she have that lives near you?

I think you need to get back into marriage counseling. You need someone to help you get her some help if you really want to fix this.

If she has family who would help you out, perhaps a counselor can help you set up an intervention with family where you can all tell her that you are concerned about her. It almost sounds like she went into a post partum depression and never came out of it.


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## Scubaman (Feb 6, 2015)

we have 4, boy 22, girl 18, boy 17, girl 14
I went to her sister years ago, but she did not want to get involved, her parents believe the church should deal with all issues and should help raise the children, I feel its my responsibility. In the early years I didn't know what to do, on day we had a fight, I left and went to a movie with a buddy, when I can home, there was a note, she had taken the children and I was not to try to find them. The next morning I found them at her parents, I went to get them, she had her brothers and family waiting for me, they would not let me have my kids and call the law on me, you can guess how that went over. I wasn't going to loose my kids, I knew I was the only stability they had, I faked wanting her back (at that time, not as much as it looked) but I knew what would happen if her family got to raise the kids, by looking at the rest of her family, I was right. They're not bad people, just don't have very much stability and acts before thinking. I got the kids back and again tried to work it out with her. I haven't talked much with her side of the family, other than to smile and wave if I meet one of them in passing.


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## Scubaman (Feb 6, 2015)

This happen around 15 yrs ago.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I really feel that it was unfortunate for the two of you to have only had one session of MC before it was summarily shut down, which was not your fault!

I really feel that you two should find anothe MC and make a commitment to pick up where you left off! Get some references for a good one, and start it back up. You'll never fully know until you try!

This marriage is well worth trying to save! Best of luck to you!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like she checked out of the marriage after that incident. This could explain her continued depression. No mentally healthy person would behave the way she is. A mentally healthy person would get out and about. If they were not happy in the marriage, they would start building a life outside the marriage with a job and friends.

Have you tried to get her to get a job? At least that way she could start to build a life.

Are you considering divorce? This sounds like a very hard way to live.


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## Scubaman (Feb 6, 2015)

I truly think her family does not know, her mother has a lot of the same issues, she is on medication. But my wife doesn't seem to be the same way. My wife seems to have no depth of emotion. May be good if your sending men of to war but its tuff trying to love some one and raising children.


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## Scubaman (Feb 6, 2015)

Sorry, she has a job, and don't take this wrong but it is a government job, you do what they want, and you get paid an amount. You never reach a goal and you never can make anymore money, no over time. I've tried to get her to do something else, but she seems to use this job to hid from other issues. She works mainly by herself with little human contact.


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## Scubaman (Feb 6, 2015)

check out of the marriage, yes, a couple of years after the hiding kid issue, it got bad again, I had a poultry farm and worked at the house. She approached me told me she never really considered herself married to me and never really considered herself as a wife. This hit pretty hard, I started thinking about all the time I had wasted and caring and wondering how to save my marriage to find out there really never was one. I decided I was no longer going to act the part. As far as us, we were divorce in every way but paper. Not long, I found some relief in the arms of another woman, not really proud of it, but I think it saved me. She knew, and once she found out, believe it or not, she became livable, I could talk with her (my wife) she cleaned up, cared about her appearance, smiled, paid attention to me and what was going on, became friends (kinda) with the other woman. ya, freak me out too. Stared looking behind my shoulder a little more. But she seem to genuine wanted to make things work. I put all my eggs back into the same old basket, and about 6 months after that, I think once she thought it was safe, she fell right back into the same state as before.


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