# Virgin husband struggling to overcome his wife's sexual past?



## enlightenment (Jan 10, 2013)

Before dating my wife, I had zero sexual experience (no intercourse, no oral sex, nothing). As I dated and eventually married my wife images of her past sexual experiences did bother me a little, however I was able to not dwell on the past, ignore the images as best I could, move on and live in the present. However, lately I have been struggling.

My wife has had 2 sexual partners. We've been married for about 2 years and are expecting a baby. However, I'm struggling with dealing with her sexual past. I understand that it's never a pleasant thought to imagine your significant other engaging in sexual intercourse or any intimate activity (including non-sexual). These thoughts of her past create disturbing images that are constantly on my mind. These images make me feel extremely sad. I have spoken with my wife about her past sexual relationships which seemed to ease the pain quite a bit. Yet I still continue to struggle. I know that some people feel "what you don't know, can't hurt you," however I feel that it's important to have some background of your partner's past (again, both sexual and non sexual), as it helps you to understand how they arrived to who they are today. I know that many may disagree with this.

I understand that we all learn and grow from our experiences and I wouldn't change anything about my wife, because I am deeply and madly in love with her. I even recognize that without her past relationships she may not have recognized just how special our connection/bond is. I understand that the past is the past. I have no ill feelings toward my wife's past sexual partners, nor do I view my wife as "damaged goods" or impure. I understand that my it is OK for my wife to have had sex with others before me (whether she enjoyed it or not). She has told me that she wishes she would have saved herself for her true love (and although this makes me feel special, I do not wish for her to have any guilt because she did nothing wrong).

My wife has told me that she has never experienced a special connection like the one we share with anyone, and that this special emotional bond takes things (including sex and other non sexual experiences) to a higher level that she never knew existed. I feel the same way. Before we met each other, we both felt that we would have to settle for a person that we weren't completely satisfied with. She has reassured me on multiple occasions that she is more than satisfied with our life together (both sexually and emotionally). However, as of lately I haven't been able to enjoy our time spent together because I am constantly haunted by images of her past sexual experiences. 

Now I understand that all these negative thoughts and images are most likely caused by insecurities, a lack of confidence, and inability to not dwell on the past. Also, because of my lack of sexual experience, I have no idea what its like to have sex with a person that you really care about or love, which makes it a little difficult to view things from my wife's perspective. I am currently taking the necessary steps to become healthier, such as exercising regularly, attending continuous counseling/therapy, taking medication. I understand that if I continue to dwell on her past sexual experiences it can only harm our relationship, or even end it, which is NOT what I want, and this is why I'm dedicated and committed to improving my mental health. 

My wife is aware that I have these disturbing feelings and images and is very supportive and does all she can to help (just another reason why she is so amazing). Yet these disturbing sexual images of her past still continue to haunt me (however I am still in the early stages of counseling and understand that it will take time, effort, & commitment to get healthier, even though it feels like these thoughts/images may never go away). She is my soul mate, the love of my life, and I do not wish to be with anyone else besides her.

I've tried to pinpoint exactly what it is that disturbs me about her sexual past. It's not the genital-to-genital intercourse nor is it the act of the oral sex exchanged (so to speak). Now I'm going to try and say this in a mature and respectful manner and I apologize if I offend anyone. The images that torment my mind is another man ejaculating during oral sex and my wife ingesting the bi-product. To be quite honest, it's the ingestion of bodily fluid that I struggle with. Now, I've tried to think about why I feel this way. 

First off, it could be my own personal views on the subject. I feel that when a woman ingests a man's semen its kind of an act of ultimate acceptance. It's almost like the man has become a part of you in a sense. I know that this may sound insane to some people, and that you may think that I'm crazy, but please hear me out. Now I don't completely agree with this. Looking at this from a rational/scientific point of view, the man is now a part of her, the argument wouldn't really hold up because the semen has been broken down, converted, and used as protein (or whatever its contents are) by the digestive system. I apologize if I ventured off topic. 

The ingestion of male fluid may also bother me a little because when my wife performs oral sex on me I have never been able to orgasm. Only once, at the very early dating stages of our relationship, did she ingest my semen because she said she wanted to, almost as if it was an act of her accepting me (or at least that's how I interpreted it during our conversation afterwards). However, I remember her face when she swallowed the fluid and it appeared to be uncomfortable or unpleasurable. 

Now this was more than 5 years ago so my memory is exactly perfect, but I remember telling her how thankful I was for the experience and letting her know that if it was unpleasurable on her part that she didn't have to engage in the act. Although the experience was very pleasurable for me, I would not be able to enjoy the experience again if I knew that she was uncomfortable in any way. After all, what makes the experience so arousing is that we are both into it. She didn't respond to my comment at the time yet she never again engaged in the act. 

I would love for my wife to perform oral sex on me in this manner. However, I would want to make sure that it was for the right reasons and that my wife was comfortable with it (of course). When analyzing my thoughts, I want to be careful that I simply don't want to engage in the act as an act of dominance or primal instinct of "marking my property" due to jealousy issues (because other men got to experience this with my wife but not myself-her husband). I know that this is not how my brain operates and I do not view my wife as a possession. But as I write this, I'm realizing that I may have some resent toward my wife, not for engaging in this act with other men, but for choosing to do it with other men in the past and not me. 

Now I'm not a counselor or therapist, but clearly I have some issues that need to be addressed during counseling. I place a lot guilt and blame on myself for feeling this way, which is why I'm taking the steps necessary to become a healthier person. I write this post to help those in a similar situation, who are struggling with their partners past sexual experience. I write this post to support, inspire, and encourage those people to not this beast of insecurity & jealousy ruin your life, and to do take the steps necessary to overcome this obstacle. I urge those who struggle to remember what really matters in a relationship: the indescribable emotional connection, the luxury of spending the rest of your life with your best friend & soul mate, being vulnerable in a relationship where you don't have to hide anything because you know that person accepts you fully despite your flaws. I often have to remind myself of this. Although it can be embarrassing or shameful to admit these feelings of insecurity just remember: Is it worth losing your marriage? 

Good luck, I hope my story helps.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

This is years ago. She married you. Please try your best to put this behind the both of you and enjoy your lives !!! Life is too short ?!


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## rabbit75 (Jan 7, 2013)

Maybe your wife's ex's are having disturbing images of YOU f**king her. Who would you rather be? Dwell on that possibility for a while and see if it helps.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My question to you.... did she actually come out and say she engaged in oral sex with those other two? I ask for a reason. I had two sexual partners before my husband. He was, as you were, a virgin before we got together. I NEVER gave nor received oral from those other men. The only person I have ever experienced this with is my husband. 

As the others have posted... she chose you. If you continue to let this eat away at you, it will only serve to pull you apart.

As for the look face she made afterward... it could have been bitter. My husband's is bitter. Many say that there are ways to sweeten it... sadly, none of those have worked for my husband. He doesn't consume any of the things that usually make semen bitter, either. I counteract that using numbing mints (my gag reflex is horrible) and/or soda. So, while it is bitter, it IS something I enjoy doing for him because I love him. And, it could very well be that your wife assumed YOU didn't like it because of your comment. And, because she believed YOU don't like it, she doesn't do it. Just one possibility....


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The only thing that is important in a relationship is what takes place after the two become a couple. Of course it's best that no social diseases accompany your SO.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

What triggers your thoughts of your wife engaging in sexual activities with other men? In which type of situation does this happen? Why are you insecure? Do you feel threatened by her past partner? Are you afraid that you are not as good?
I am sorry for the amount of questions, but I am just trying to get the whole picture.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

your wife is in a no-win situation. it's seems that no matter what she says, you can't get past her past. It must be very draining on her for you to be so down about a situation that is beyond her control. You are letting this manipulate your life in a very dysfunctional way. If you don't let this go, your wife might become totally exasperated by you. Keep going to therapy or find books to help you move on. You're living in the past and it's damaging your present. you have a beautiful baby on the way. move on.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

ps- Believe me, if she goes down on you it is because she is very accepting of you. Swallowing or not, has nothing to do with it. Some women dont like the taste of it.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> your wife is in a no-win situation. it's seems that no matter what she says, you can't get past her past. It must be very draining on her for you to be so down about a situation that is beyond her control. You are letting this manipulate your life in a very dysfunctional way. If you don't let this go, your wife might become totally exasperated by you. Keep going to therapy or find books to help you move on. You're living in the past and it's damaging your present. you have a beautiful baby on the way. move on.


And it's not even much of a past, as pasts go.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You made a very long post.

The minute your wife became pregant, you lost the luxury of wallowing in weak insecurity.

Once you are a father, you need to become a man.. Give 100% to the woman you chose.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How do you know she did that with them? How do you know she didn't make that face with them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

(This is not directed at the OP personally)

You can't help how you feel - that I get. I try to apply the wisdom of a half century on this planet and not judge too harshly those whose shoes I've not walked in.

But any man who lets his wife's sexual past, especially one as mild as this, get in the way of his marital happiness is an ass. I don't have another word for it. So while you may feel uneasy about it, you get to control how you react to it. The difference between you and a monkey with a stick on an ant hill is that you have the ability to control your immediate desires and plan for the future.

You're not so damn special that you should expect your wife was waiting chastely for the Cosmic Awesomeness of your penis long before she even knew you existed. She picked you over all others to cling to, in sickness and in health, and if that doesn't make you feel Right Special Enough you're a sad sack of insecurity who needs a good punch in the noggin to straighten out.

So be a man and get the f*** over it.

Phew! That felt therapeutic.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

This is all about your own insecurities.

Personally I occasionally fantasize about my wife having two men "do" her and me watching. She fantasizes about me doing other women. Sometimes we verbalize these while we are having sex and it's generally an explosive outcome. We aren't going to act on these things - it's just injecting variety. 

These ideas you have about swallowing are born out of your own insecurities and inexperience. I don't know how to fix them but a generic counselor is probably not going to be as good as a sex therapist and it may even be that just becoming awesome at something earns you the self-confidence that vacates this whole ugly mess.


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## enlightenment (Jan 10, 2013)

I'll try to add a few questions that were posted.

I know she performed oral sex on both men because she told me when I asked. I know that some people feel that "what you don't know, can't hurt you." However, I felt like knowing the truth, accepting it, and putting it in the past would be better than constantly obsessing over irrational and disturbing images (I have been diagnosed with obsessive thinking disorder). Please keep in mind that I'm not proud of these feelings and understand that they are unfair & I am judging my wife by creating these unrealistic. It's embarrassing and shameful to feel this way, and yes I do feel like an ass. I feel like a caveman for struggling with my wife's past of performing oral sex on another man. And believe me, I know that these feelings of jealousy and insecurity, if not dealt with, can have a devastating effect on my marriage.

I have also been diagnosed with depression (it runs in my family, and I'm sure that my traumatizing childhood didn't help the situation at all) and its been a constant battle that I've struggled with and through the past two years I have made some great progress. I don't share this because I want people to feel sorry for me or justify my ridiculous/absurd feelings, but to give people some idea on where I'm coming from. Although I am getting the help I need and making an effort to get better so that I can be the best husband and father possible, it is extremely difficult. I understand that this is anonymous forum, and that there will be people who will make negative and counterproductive comments, but again, if you feel you must call me an ass or tell me to "man up" then the more power to you. 

When I created this post, my goal was to reach out to people in a similar situation, and let them know that they are not alone, and that there is hope. The key is to take action instead of keeping this negative thoughts bottle up. I've read many forums of people dealing with the same issue, and have seen the hostile attitude many people have toward people dealing with a similar issue. So, I thought I'd try to post something that may be more helpful than just having frustrated people make negative comments toward them (as if these comments are going to make things any better). 

I actually have an update. I spoke with my wife a yesterday and we talked about my issues of her sexual past (which I understand is hardly a past). She gave me a little background on her past relationships, and reminded me that they didn't work out for several reasons (they were not compatible, there was no chemistry, she engaged in these relationships due to her own insecurities, etc). This helped a lot and I can not stress enough the value of effective communication with your partner. She even went on to say that she never really shared these past experiences because she wanted to be respectful to me and that she was embarrassed by them. However, even if she did have a strong emotional connection with a past sexual partner and enjoyed the sex very much I'm realizing that its ok. I'm slowly learning to accept the past and move on.

As much as I feel like an ass for feeling some resentment toward my wife for engaging in sexual intercourse with her past partners, as if she did something wrong or betrayed me, I know that self loathing will just dig me deeper in a hole. Obviously, there are deeper issues that go past these feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and betrayal, which I am working on through weekly psychotherapy sessions (in addition to taking medication for depression & obsessive thinking which I use not to numb my feelings but to bring me to an emotional level where I can be more productive in therapy. 

I'll end with a theory that will hopefully help others. Everyone one has vampires in their life, whether its a negative person, a negative thought, depression, insecurity, jealously, anger, resentment, a job you hate, people that leave negative comments on forums (jk) or any life sucking situation. Kill the vampire by taking direct action (stick a stake in its heart and shine the light of truth on it). I know that its often scary to confront these vampires and take action, but once they are slayed your life will be a million times better. The hardest thing to do is to take action and not let this beast conquer you.


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## cub!chy (May 7, 2012)

I am going to take my gloves off, if I was your friend, I would slap you. You need to man-up! Sex plays many different roles in our lives, but when you accepted your wife, you accepted her past. You don’t have a right to make her feel bad or ashamed about her past. Do you know how lucky you are that you married someone that had only been with 2 partners? A-lot of women today had multiple partners at the same time and lesbian experience. A woman needs a strong man that asserts his manhood, not all the time, but certainly in bed. I hope you don’t speak to your wife like you posted, you don’t want to be labeled a bore. If your wife performed oral on you and swallowed and on her 2 previous exes, it sounds like she likes it. You need to get that back. One day after she gets out of the shower or is dressing, just go up and kiss her and do whatever gets her hot and then slowly push down on her. She will get the hint and if she likes it, she will down on you, and then you need to use your mind, cut loose and enjoy your woman pleasuring you. Force yourself to cum in her mouth. The taste of semen is dictated by what you eat and sometimes it’s sour or sweet (no, I never tasted it) but my wife always tells me how It tastes. Don’t comment on this. Sometimes she makes faces, other times she doesn’t. Sometimes she swallows. Let her decide. Do let her know how much you enjoyed it. 
Then you need to take your woman and F!ck her hard, you need to man up here, eat her out, do what she likes, make her say your name, tie her up, spank her, use dildos, be a freak. Maybe try some anal. Once you do this and once you can make her cum at will, you will forget what she did with the other 2 losers, she will be yours and you won’t think about this again, in the same way.

Now that she is expecting, her body will change and you will see that after 6 months, you have two choices, oral or masturbation, it gets icky. I am educated and eloquent like you, I have 3 kids and 13 years of marriage, you should listen to what I and others wrote. My wife had 2 previous boyfriends before me and the second one was 6.1 and weighed 250 lbs of muscle. He was so large that he couldn’t get it all inside her. He had anal sex with her, she swallowed both and he even came in her ass, so I think that’s much, much worse than your situation. I am a better lover than he boyfriends, I am smaller, but I make it up. I am however more of a man, those or her words, so man-up and good luck. If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me or post here.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

enlightenment said:


> The hardest thing to do is to take action and not let this beast conquer you.


You sound like a good guy who is struggling with a hard problem. Kudos to you both.

All I was trying to convey, more to the less self-aware who pop up here periodically, was the importance of not letting YOUR insecurities over something which predates your relationship with your wife destroy your marriage. But you already know that and you're working to avoid it. Please keep up the hard work, and you'll have earned the love of your spouse.

All we can ask of our partners is that they work to improve our relationship. You are fulfilling that contract.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Let's cut the OP a break. Based on his most recent post, he's pretty level-headed about the situation and realizes it's his problem to address. Depression and OCD are hard to live with and he's trying to do what's right. He's actually bringing a positive message.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

enlightenment said:


> I'll try to add a few questions that were posted.
> 
> I know she performed oral sex on both men because she told me when I asked. I know that some people feel that "what you don't know, can't hurt you." However, I felt like knowing the truth, accepting it, and putting it in the past would be better than constantly obsessing over irrational and disturbing images (I have been diagnosed with obsessive thinking disorder). Please keep in mind that I'm not proud of these feelings and understand that they are unfair & I am judging my wife by creating these unrealistic. It's embarrassing and shameful to feel this way, and yes I do feel like an ass. I feel like a caveman for struggling with my wife's past of performing oral sex on another man. And believe me, I know that these feelings of jealousy and insecurity, if not dealt with, can have a devastating effect on my marriage.
> 
> ...


There is a technique you can use to train yourself out of thes thoughts. I used it to stop the obsessive mind images I had after I found out about my husband's affairs.

Every time you start to have these images/thoughts stop the tought/image and redirect your mind to something pleasant. In your case it might be to think of making love to your wife. Always turn the thoughts to good thoughts of your wife. 

You do have control over this. It might take some practice but you do.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Yes, your story are very mild indeed. If I can put my DW's party girl past over me, then you should be able too. I don't blame my wife for what she did in the past, it was her past before she met me. She even admitted to me that she had sex once with someone else and enjoyed it when she was dating me, because that man did her some big favors for her before (he was not her ex-BF), and she was reluctant to refuse, and since we were only dating for a month, she didn't knew we would be permanent. It was at the new year's eve that she finally told me everything about her past. She had lots of sexual partners before, some she enjoyed, some she didn't. It did hurt me a lot when I heard her stories, but I really appreciated and admired her honesty. She promised me that it was all in the past, that she only love me now. She said that she was really afraid that I would left her if she told me the truth, but it was eating at her too.
I am still learning to put those all behind me, but I will. Thank you EleGirl for the input. Because I love her so much, and I know she love me as much too.
Sorry for hijacking.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Enlightenment...Best of luck to you dealing with your difficulties. I get what you are saying. My wife and my history was exactly the same as yours. She had two other lovers and I was the big V.

Early on it was tough dealing with the insecurities. I thought about it...didn't like the thoughts and felt inadequate. Time was all I needed. Not sure if that will be that easy for you, but I just wanted to let you know that its not unusual to have those thoughts. Given your diagnoses, it will just be harder for you to get over.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

enlightenment said:


> However, I felt like knowing the truth, accepting it, and putting it in the past would be better than constantly obsessing over irrational and disturbing images (I have been diagnosed with obsessive thinking disorder).


I see. Being diagnosed with obsessive thinking disorder is probably useful to people here because having had therapy for same there should be some basic techniques you have learned and could share with us. 






> I have also been diagnosed with depression


Geez, a lot to deal with. 



> When I created this post, my goal was to reach out to people in a similar situation, and let them know that they are not alone, and that there is hope. The key is to take action instead of keeping this negative thoughts bottle up. I've read many forums of people dealing with the same issue, and have seen the hostile attitude many people have toward people dealing with a similar issue. So, I thought I'd try to post something that may be more helpful than just having frustrated people make negative comments toward them (as if these comments are going to make things any better).


Hows about doing that then and telling us what you learned in therapy? 

You say to take direct action to "slay the vampire". Okay, what does this direct action mean in practical terms? Is getting the details on your wife's sexual history supposed to help? Are people supposed to re-direct their thoughts like *EleGirl* suggested? Prayer beads?

I'd be very interested.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

2 people is not a sexually history. that's practically a virgin unless her ex was ron jeremy


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## shootingstar (Jan 1, 2013)

I went through the same thing, being as when I met my now husband, I was a virgin and he had slept with 4 women before me.


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## lonewolf8545 (Jan 12, 2013)

She's been with 2 other guys her whole life? That's nothing in the whole scheme of things. She may have more sexual experience than you, but not by much. 

Listen, I know the mental image of your wife having sex with someone else can be troubling, but she is with you. You are THE man. YOU have to some how block this out of your mind and let it go or else you'll drive yourself crazy and this mindset won't help you or your relationship. If you have to go to counseling, get it out of your system.

You might look at this as your wife being a "bad" girl, but she is far from that.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I can see were you are coming from because I was similar when I was very young. But now that I'm older, it's not a big deal anymore.

Example. I was a virgin and my girlfriend at the time definitely was not. It bothered me that she had all these guy friends and had been around the block at her young age. We did have sex but it wasn't that great. She was like doing a warm glass of water and she wouldn't do many positions either, which is odd for a young woman who has a lot of sexual experiences.

Fast forward to my wife. She was a virgin, I was not. She asked me could I get checked for STD's? I had no problem with that and went to the doctor right away. I was actually curious myself. Turns out, I'm clean and I don't even have the herpes virus (core soles). But I do get eczema from dry skin at times and my wife knows this.

My sexual past and hers are just that. We are married and that's all that matters.


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## Natureman (Dec 1, 2013)

I want to thank the OP. I too have struggled with my wife's past. The replies to your post have helped me a lot. I have been diagnosed with OCD as well. The crazy thing is that my wife doesn't do anal, doesn't swallow and she didn't have intercourse before she met me. Yet, the one time she let oral sex go too far with a previous boyfriend has caused me so much pain. Instead of being greatful for my wife, I have obsessed over the fluid contact. The responses to your post have put things into perspective. Thank you


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

> My wife has had 2 sexual partners. We've been married for about 2 years and are expecting a baby. However, I'm struggling with dealing with her sexual past. I understand that it's never a pleasant thought to imagine your significant other engaging in sexual intercourse or any intimate activity (including non-sexual).


Here's a question for you to consider that should hopefully neutralize your insecurities: Would you hold it against your wife if she had all this experience but was widowed twice, each by the two men in question?

I don't think you would. So the best solution is to consider both her prior partners to be dead... and just move on.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

My wife was a virgin when I met her. I so wish she hadn't been...I wish she had had 2-3 sexual partners before me....because then she wouldn't consider me a freak because I want a BJ, or disgusting because I'd quite like her to give me a prostate massage or that I should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act for wanting sex more than once a month....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

askari said:


> My wife was a virgin when I met her. I so wish she hadn't been...I wish she had had 2-3 sexual partners before me....because then she wouldn't consider me a freak because I want a BJ, or disgusting because I'd quite like her to give me a prostate massage or that I should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act for wanting sex more than once a month....


Having sex with more men has nothing to do with that thought process. Are you assuming that if she had more sexual partners then she would have given BJs to them, etc? If that is your premise, then you are sadly mistaken. I had sex with two men before I ever met my husband. I had sex ONCE with each of them. I never gave BJs to any boyfriends, never did anything "freaky". The only man I have ever given a BJ is my husband. I have looked up info on various things we could try regarding our sex life. It's very easy to do... IF she were so inclined. But that's just it, she's not. It has nothing to do with how many partners she has had.


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## The Grey One (Dec 9, 2013)

Your wife is the person she is because of her past. Every experience she has had in the past is what makes her who she is today.

No one likes to think of their SO having sex with another person - so don't think about it.

You knew she wasn't a virgin - YOU need to make your peace with that fact. Her past is her past, and it's immutable. What you need to realize is that when you think about it, your subconscious reacts as if it's currently happening - and it makes you feel betrayed (invalidly so).

So the solution is to put it out of your mind. Consciously recognize the fact that she has a past, but don't chase that rabbit - you aren't going to like your trip down the rabbit hole.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

Cletus said:


> (This is not directed at the OP personally)
> 
> You can't help how you feel - that I get. I try to apply the wisdom of a half century on this planet and not judge too harshly those whose shoes I've not walked in.
> 
> ...


You know a lot of people actually wait until marriage to have sex for many reasons, so they're not always comfortable with their spouse having a past sexual life. So, labeling everyone who has an issue with this as an ass, kinda makes you an ass. Wish that felt more therapeutic...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Quite frankly, if my husband asked me what I engaged in with former partners (there was only 2) I would tell him it was none of his business - because it isn't.

Also, I LOVE giving oral to my husband, but I won't let him come in my mouth. It's like collecting a mouth full of snot and it tastes yuck. Sorry, but that's a fact.

You need to get over it mate. Simple as that.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I hope your getting help for your depression because the way your going, your going to depress yourself right out of a good marriage and a good woman and if you read some of the stories in the infidelity section friend, you'll find out that you have lucked out.

Why you have these thoughts are mind blowing. Swallowing semen and now he's always a part of her and the face she makes. 

Would you ever kiss your wife if your found out that when she was a kid that she ate her boogers? Or didn't wash her hands every time she went to the bathroom?

You better wise up and soon because your doing everything you can to ruin your marriage.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

You have to figure this out. I don't have the answers, it's something I go through from time to time too. It sucks. It's very hard to keep rational thought when you're experiencing these feelings, but if you can, you might try one of two things. 

When you're picturing her with someone else just change the thought. Make it a good thought about you and her, something you've done or want to do together.

Or picture her ex, look him in the eye and say "that's right chump, I'm bangin her now." Or whatever you feel. Just make sure you're asserting your dominance over him. Because, believe it or not, you ARE the better man. If he was giving her something you couldn't, she'd still be with him.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I guess others have told you that you have some mental issues that you need to work through with a professional. I would not know what else there is to say on the subject. I really doubt armchair psychology is a good idea.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

someone90 said:


> You know a lot of people actually wait until marriage to have sex for many reasons, so they're not always comfortable with their spouse having a past sexual life. So, labeling everyone who has an issue with this as an ass, kinda makes you an ass. Wish that felt more therapeutic...



Well anyone who feels like that shouldn't marry someone with a sexual past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Cletus said:


> (This is not directed at the OP personally)
> 
> You can't help how you feel - that I get.


Absolute hogwash. Our "feelings" are under our control. This is the basis of Cognitive therapy. Our "feelings" are about how we interpret a situation. That interpretation is not fixed, it is flexible. Particularly when are interpretation is irrational or counter productive (i.e this case) Cognitive approaches (changing our inner story about the circumstances) will result in different feelings.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Absolute hogwash. Our "feelings" are under our control. This is the basis of Cognitive therapy. Our "feelings" are about how we interpret a situation. That interpretation is not fixed, it is flexible. Particularly when are interpretation is irrational or counter productive (i.e this case) Cognitive approaches (changing our inner story about the circumstances) will result in different feelings.


Fine. Given that one can change one's feelings, then one is doubly at fault for letting them fester and destroy a relationship.

Though I'm pretty sure no amount of cognitive therapy is going to get me to like broccoli.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well anyone who feels like that shouldn't marry someone with a sexual past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's true, but sometimes you underestimate how much it will bother you later.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Fine. Given that one can change one's feelings, then one is doubly at fault for letting them fester and destroy a relationship.
> 
> Though I'm pretty sure no amount of cognitive therapy is going to get me to like broccoli.


In the case of broccoli, cognitive therapy of course wouldn't work because your interpretation of broccoli is correct (Yuck!)


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

enlightenment said:


> Before dating my wife, I had zero sexual experience (no intercourse, no oral sex, nothing). As I dated and eventually married my wife images of her past sexual experiences did bother me a little, however I was able to not dwell on the past, ignore the images as best I could, move on and live in the present. However, lately I have been struggling.
> 
> My wife has had 2 sexual partners. We've been married for about 2 years and are expecting a baby. However, I'm struggling with dealing with her sexual past. I understand that it's never a pleasant thought to imagine your significant other engaging in sexual intercourse or any intimate activity (including non-sexual). These thoughts of her past create disturbing images that are constantly on my mind. These images make me feel extremely sad. I have spoken with my wife about her past sexual relationships which seemed to ease the pain quite a bit. Yet I still continue to struggle. I know that some people feel "what you don't know, can't hurt you," however I feel that it's important to have some background of your partner's past (again, both sexual and non sexual), as it helps you to understand how they arrived to who they are today. I know that many may disagree with this.
> 
> ...


This entire post is horse ****. I only got through about half of it anyway. I stopped at the cum swallowing part. ****s will swallow cum all the time. All cum swallowing means is that a girl is swallowing your cum. Walla! 

Your wife is having your baby. She has told you she loves you and has committed to you. That is all that matters. Get over the rest or leave. Dip****.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MrsDraper said:


> This entire post is horse ****. I only got through about half of it anyway. I stopped at the cum swallowing part. ****s will swallow cum all the time. All cum swallowing means is that a girl is swallowing your cum. Walla!
> 
> Your wife is having your baby. She has told you she loves you and has committed to you. That is all that matters. Get over the rest or leave. Dip****.


This poster has not been here in 5 whole months, I checked, he is not coming back, given the ugly belittling responses to his feelings...who the hell could blame him.. 

Horse SH** - lovely... Not everything looks at sex in the same light.... . some see it more on a sacred level...meant between 2 special people at an appointed time... excuse some of us...it would be nice if others could withhold the nasty judgements on this with fowl mouthed comments - if you insist on posting....Not like anyone is going to listen to advice where one is told his feelings are Horsesh** or he is a complete A -hole.. 

Now having said this... I will agree this man has some serious issues he needs to address...but he isn't coming back here for any comfort or help..that is a given. So don't waste any more time or posts brow beating him...


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

I can have some empathy for you. My fiance can have some empathy for you. You seem like a good guy that is aware of some things bothering you.

The two of you need to get closer. I am not trying to be disrespectful or crude, I am trying to make a serious point. You need to shoot your load in her mouth in whatever fashion it takes (assuming she is wanting and willing). You two need to open up about deep desires and have a sex life that PALES in comparison to anything she or you has ever imagined. That will **** those demons up.


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## Bluerok (Dec 23, 2013)

I know this is almost a year old, but I just found the site, and this post. 

First, I know what you went through/are going through. My wife had 2 partners before we married, and she is the only person I have been with. Apart from kissing, the entirety of my sexual experience is with her. I knew of her past before we began dating, and it never posed an issue so far as continuing the relationship, or moving ahead and marrying her. I love my wife more than life itself, and I know she feels the same about me. Her past doesn't change that, but the depth of our love doesn't change the fact that it did take time for me to "deal with" that past. It wasn't any manner of resentment toward her, and I definitely didn't feel as though she wasn't respectful toward me, whom she had never even met, by doing these things. As you described, I would occasionally have random thoughts, or images, pop in my head associated with her and one of these guys. We married in our mid-20s, so my sex life began at 25, where she already had 5 years of sexual experience. Naturally, I wanted to try everything. I had no idea of my likes and dislikes. For the most part, she knew what she liked, and what she didn't, and her "wild days" were behind her (this is how I sometimes saw things). Persistence, on my part, in refusing to dwell on the past, and focusing on enjoying my discovery of the vast world of sex, including letting her experience guide me, helped with this. Also, after close to 8 years of marriage, we have engaged in things she never even entertained thoughts of with the other guys. That level of openness and adventure comes from a very special connection and deep level of trust. She recently (just last week) spoke of something she heard regarding her first partner, and I had a fleeting thought, accompanied by a twinge of jealousy, of her giving her virginity to him. But it passed quickly, and I grinned at myself as I thought about the things I have done that no other man has done.


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## savid (Dec 22, 2013)

OP, I'm afraid I don't have much to add, other than to say I've been there. I'm still there. I was a virgin who's wife had sex with three other guys before me. For me, the problem is twofold: one thing that bothers me is that I never got to experience anyone else sexually. The other is -- sorry to be crass -- but the thought of someone else getting my wife's legs behind her ears and giving her unknown pleasures.

Part of the problem is comparison. Many years ago, my W related an offhand story about how her HS BF made her come three times in a row, until she was seeing stars. Jesus, I had never done that. And I hadn't done that to anyone _else, either. I felt (feel) inadequate.

Now, a big part of my problem is our current sex life. See the thread about "ultra vanilla sex -- am I being selfish?". The way my wife is sexually with me, I don't even know that she'd allow me to give her triple orgasms. She's super frigid in bed with me, so I have to wonder if she was a crazy nympho with the other guys she slept with. I ask her to be crazy with me and she says "but I'm the mother of your children . . . "

But I'm getting off in to my own issues. Just wanted to say that I feel for you._


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## savid (Dec 22, 2013)

Just saw that OP isn't coming back. Maybe this thread will speak to someone in a similar situation. My W gave me all the usual -- and probably right -- responses to this situation, such as "I didn't even know you then". This is true; but what actually helps me is seeing that other people felt the same way I did.


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