# Hi TAM - I'm Checking in - Still Seperated



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Hi TAMers. I am feeling a lot like Olivia Pope in Scandal as I drink my evening wine and think deep thoughts 

No contact (true no contact) is truly the best thing to do, as always advised here. Anyone who is separated from their spouse and is feeling confused needs NC I think for at least 3 weeks. I felt the power that I do have finally gather underneath me, and my OWN voice start speaking to me. Not the confused co-dependent voice, not the sad 'i'm lonely' voice, and not my STBXH's voice. It was mine, and it told me the truth. 

Since my IC has been on vacation the past weeks as well, I haven't been muddying up my emotional waters with her either. True self-time.

Always having been in a relationship, from the time I was 18, and my co-dependency, has been many many years of focusing on someone else. Making sure they're happy. Committing to what they dream to do and helping make that happen. Arriving on my white horse to make everything better. Only to lead to disappointment and abandonment again.....and again.

I'm listening to other people. Listening to those around me that have their own experiences and opinions. Like a typical Taurus I'm pretty bull-headed and like to have my own way, but with my current life situation this bull is taking a rest in the meadow and observing others. I'm ok with being a bull-headed Taurus. That's me. But I'm looking forward to nurturing the other parts...that make me my unique self

My relationship with my STBXH was love, but it wasn't the type of love that lasts for a lifetime. We've accepted that although you can love someone very much, it doesn't mean you can be married to them. We loved each other in the beginning with, what I can describe as, more superficial qualities. Physically attracted for sure. Both loved travel. I was quiet and a great listener, he was animated and always happy. I was organized he was not. I was a planner he liked to go with the flow. He was giving with objects he had and I liked that about him, as I was always generally pretty 'mine' with my stuff. We were equally spontaneous. These are a few examples that I had as a checklist in my head, although there were quite a few red flags with his other tendencies, but I was not LOOKING for those. I was basing my list off of my experience of my 1XH, not based off of what I VALUE in a husband. I was basically trying to be the husband I wanted...in many ways. I think his story is probably not too dissimilar from mine. As time went on, it became more and more apparent how we viewed things completely different. Being that our courtship to engagement was within 5 months of dating and married in another 5, we really learned about each other AFTER marriage.

Is he a narcissist....oh yeah. Is he controlling...for sure. Is he in some sort of...what I could call....fantasy land with the way he thinks sometimes....absolutely. But that's all his problems. Not mine. Not anymore. I think he's realized he's lost control, and he's asking (again) for the D paperwork. I'm happy to oblige.

Being on your own can be a reality check. Today I had some car issues, and I'm so used to having someone to call. I had no one. I couldn't even call STBXH for this emergency because he's on vacation somewhere far far away. The one girlfriend (of the two new ones I've made) was no where near me. I was inspecting my car like I knew what I was doing...I knew what the issue was...but do I have the tools for that?? Maybe I should stand beside my car like Daisy Duke and hope some guy stops and asks if I need help (Lol). No good, I'm in my apartment complex. I text my mechanic in hopes that he was in town this weekend, and he was. And he helped me out. I was so grateful (mental note for a Christmas present for my mechanic). I walked into my place after that ordeal just chewing on my thoughts of what it feels like to be alone. I survived. But not without the help of others.

One thing I've noticed is that I still feel pretty socially awkward. I hate it, but I've always been a more one-on-one person. My one girlfriend is so witty, she cracks me up. I admire that quality in her, a very open southern girl. Her energy is so much different than mine. My other girlfriend is so strong and unphased with conversations. I've watched her carry on conversations (especially with guys) that would probably make me blush and have nothing in response...but she just keeps it going. She's like one of the guys. Her and I have similar energy, I think she likes that I understand her sarcasm  

A guy that I've met at the gym seems to like me a lot. He's taking his time getting to know me, which I like. I hate it when a guy moves too fast. I'm sure he's older than what I'm looking for, but to be honest at this point, I'm not looking for anything serious. So just the fact that he's a nice, professional guy I'm going to let things flow.

I meant to go lay in the sun today by the pool, but my car drama took up too much time. Luckily tomorrow I have the day off, so I will be doing that for sure tomorrow and enjoying all this 'me' time I've been having  Anyone wanna join me there and have margaritas?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi.. sounds like things are going well for you.

Keep on building your new life...


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Enthusiastic applause to you my lady!


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## Funkykatz (Jun 17, 2014)

Thanks for the post this gave me hope that I too can get through things. I have been struggling with NC, I think it's time I step that up.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

So seperated life can change at the flip of a coin...or in my case...a little smile. 

I signed my acknowledgement of service a couple weeks ago and I'm just been waiting for STBXH to come back from his trip and pick it up so he can file. I was actually suprised he was taking the initiative to file (IC says its actually pretty surprising considering his N personality). Anyways, he may stop by today to get it. However, not even a week after the final decision was made that we're going to file and it's over, I ran into a guy. He introduced himself and we hit it off right away. 

Needless to say we've been on a couple dates and any anxiety I may have had about been single is now definitely gone. I don't know why a lot of us feel like no one will ever like us like our X's "did". Reality is, we all have a lot to offer. It sucks when it doesn't work with our spouses, but there ARE others out there that WILL want your time and to get to know you.

Not saying this guy is 'the one'. As a matter of fact I'm sure he's not. However, I've thoroughly enjoyed his company and I'm feeling like a desirable woman again. Someone worth more than the way I was treated at the end of my marriage. Also, I know I've learned a lot about myself from the demise of my marriage, therefore being even more valuable to a future 'someone'.

STBXH is not a FB friend, but you better believe that when I started posting pics of my fun past weekends he called me within TEN minutes of posting (apparently from a report from one of his sisters). :rofl: Not bad for a guy so intent on ignoring me when convenient for him. I made him sit on zero information about what I'm doing with my time. When he made plans to pick up the paperwork today he then told me he has been seeing someone. I can only assume he's been seeing her for awhile considering his shady actions before, but I don't care. Good luck lady.

Enjoying freedom


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

struggle said:


> So seperated life can change at the flip of a coin...or in my case...a little smile.
> 
> I signed my acknowledgement of service a couple weeks ago and I'm just been waiting for STBXH to come back from his trip and pick it up so he can file. I was actually suprised he was taking the initiative to file (IC says its actually pretty surprising considering his N personality). Anyways, he may stop by today to get it. However, not even a week after the final decision was made that we're going to file and it's over, I ran into a guy. He introduced himself and we hit it off right away.
> 
> ...


Better her than you....


Have you talked to an attorney about how to handle the legal papers? I'm curious because usually when a person is served they have 30 days to respond. If you give him your response to file, he could substitute anything he wants for it. Just curious.

I'm glad that you finally have arrived at a point where you realize that there is indeed a life after divorce. Does not matter how it came about, just that it did.


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Sounds like you are not over him to be honest and there is something still in the tank for him. You guys showing each other up, see my new trophy catch, look at all the fun i am having and then posting about it. Why don't you all act like adults and work on your marriage under the guise of the oath you swore upon. WAS's just irk me, all the same. Whatever, you go girl. You think your next relationship will be magically better, 70% percent divorce rate on 2nd marriages, good luck with those #'s. Marriage is a ****ing joke the way people just throw it away like a bad habit.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Elegirl the papers were pretty basic. We split property and that's it. He gave me a copy of what he's filing, and I will be getting a copy myself once it's filed.

hesitation....I hesitate to even comment back to your garbage response due to the little that you know. Your asinine judgement call on my marriage and values from reading this one post is obviously a personal issue you're having and decided that it must apply to mine. You're wrong. I update at this point because I hope my situation may help others get through the dark times of their separation. Get counseling because this is not a forum to take out your anger on others. But hey...you go too...in another direction off my posts. Duces


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