# From LD to HD - can it happen?



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

So, the short backstory on me is that I've always thought I was LD. I have trust issues and some other physical things that have gotten in the way of enjoying sex the way I should.

Combine that with a very very bad 10 year marriage and let's just say I've been out of practice and not feeling the least sexual.

Until.....

I finally moved out and am no longer with my H. After a few months, I decided to try match.com. Well, the very first guy I go on a date with we hit it off. And I did a 180 sexually. It's crazy!!! I think about this guy all the time. I fantasize about us doing things. I am craving being with him and it's all so new and fun!!!

The reason I am sharing this is because I said OVER and OVER and OVER here on TAM that if a woman has issues in the bedroom, it's due to trust and incompatibility. And about a lack of connection - this one is the biggest. 

And men kept saying, "Hey man, go work out and get in shape and she'll want you." Or "Do a 180 and work on you." 

To that I say "Yeah, right!" My guy is not in great shape, and he actually thinks I'm a bit out of his league looks wise, but he makes me think and he makes me laugh and he's a great conversationalist. All those things TURN ME ON! And I think for many women their turn ons are not what men get. 

I really do hope that some of the very frustrated TAM men will stop giving such silly advice to their buddies and start trying to figure out what their woman needs. You do that, and you'll have all you've been looking for. At least I think you will.

Good luck!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Show me a woman who says she's asexual and I'll show you a woman who's with the wrong man. haha, they hate when I say that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Renewed sexuality is normally the case in a new relationship. Most relationships do start that way. Most women think - at first - they're with the right man; and vice versa. Time will tell, once the initial hormones wear off in a year or so. Then, are they still the right person? Will they still inspire lust? That is the test, I think.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Married but Happy said:


> Renewed sexuality is normally the case in a new relationship. Most relationships do start that way. Most women think - at first - they're with the right man; and vice versa. Time will tell, once the initial hormones wear off in a year or so. Then, are they still the right person? Will they still inspire lust? That is the test, I think.


I'm sure that's true, but I've never been like this before. I think it's a combination of things: we're just starting out, he's really, really, really good in the bedroom, and I've been working on me for a while now as I didn't want to be LD. I really didn't!

So, what will happen down the road? Who knows, but I'm glad I can finally drop the LD label I've placed on myself, because I know now it's not true. Thank God!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I am sincerely happy for you finding your new you! Carry on! lol


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

I don't want to burst your bubble. I hope you feel like this forever but. report back here in six months or a year when the new is worn off
In the meantime, proceed with caution and guard your heart.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

It would be very interesting for you to keep this thread alive and post on it every 6 months to see if and how things have changed.
I am also happy for you, but would like to see how this goes years down the road.

Imagine having to reinvent yourself after 25 years of marriage to raise an LD from the dead.
Even that is possible. IMO.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Show me a woman who says she's asexual and I'll show you a woman who's with the wrong man. haha, they hate when I say that.


I believe this, and same goes for men. lol


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> I don't want to burst your bubble. I hope you feel like this forever but. report back here in six months or a year when the new is worn off
> In the meantime, proceed with caution and guard your heart.


I do hope it continues, and I am a bit careful but I'm not guarding my heart. I'm not out for casual sex, so my heart has to be in it for me to be aroused and desiring him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

UMP said:


> It would be very interesting for you to keep this thread alive and post on it every 6 months to see if and how things have changed.
> I am also happy for you, but would like to see how this goes years down the road.
> 
> Imagine having to reinvent yourself after 25 years of marriage to raise an LD from the dead.
> Even that is possible. IMO.


I will say that I tried for years and years to get us to work, but he was so defensive and passive aggressive that it never went anywhere. Whenever we would discuss our lack of a sex life, which he preferred we didn't, he would say that he didn't initiate because he knew I didn't want to. To that, I would always respond that I don't want to just have mechanical sex, I want to make love and feel connected. He wasn't interested in a connection (he finally admitted that he doesn't really need this from others), so we were forever dead in the water. 

That, to me, is a clear example of incompatibility. So, the question is are you incompatible or are you just in a rut?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

I am happy to hear about your current success. Please do update us in 6 months.

I don't know your full story, but may I ask how were you (desire wise) at the start of the relationship with your exH ?

Regardless, it sounds like you are saying that a marriage which becomes HD/LD is really just situational, the LD is not actually LD. And the "fix" is for LD to find a new partner (operative word here being "new"). As the HD in a mismatched marriage, I find this news a bit sad, to know my wife would become HD in just a few months the very next guy.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

tommyr said:


> I am happy to hear about your current success. Please do update us in 6 months.
> 
> I don't know your full story, but may I ask how were you (desire wise) at the start of the relationship with your exH ?
> 
> Regardless, it sounds like you are saying that a marriage which becomes HD/LD is really just situational, the LD is not actually LD. And the "fix" is for LD to find a new partner (operative word here being "new"). As the HD in a mismatched marriage, I find this news a bit sad, to know my wife would become HD in just a few months the very next guy.


Ah, but you see you are doing the very thing that my STBXH did... Not listening. I said above that I didn't want to be LD anymore. That I wanted and tried to work through our lack of sex and connection WITH my husband, but he shut me down and shut me out. I finally had to give up. He had the opportunity to work with me to become amazing sexually between us, but he wants something different than what I want. I honestly think he's watched too much porn - he sees sex as an act nearing mutual masterbation and not ever more. 

So, all is not lost with you and your LD wife. But do you know what is blocking her? Have you really listened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> I will say that I tried for years and years to get us to work, but he was so defensive and passive aggressive that it never went anywhere. Whenever we would discuss our lack of a sex life, which he preferred we didn't, he would say that he didn't initiate because he knew I didn't want to. To that, I would always respond that I don't want to just have mechanical sex, I want to make love and feel connected. He wasn't interested in a connection (he finally admitted that he doesn't really need this from others), so we were forever dead in the water.
> 
> That, to me, is a clear example of incompatibility. So, the question is are you incompatible or are you just in a rut?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I look back on my 25 year marriage, I don't think I really knew HOW to "make love." Given that my sex education was from John Holmes, I didn't learn much of that "love" stuff. In fact, I would say I am just now learning how to do it right. I will say it is difficult to "make love" to a woman because it's a 24 hour job. Making love is a non ending process that starts with simple day to day interactions. It's like handling nitro glycerin and your job is to carry this stuff around all day. A difficult balancing act to say the least. The end result is pretty neat though.
I guess the main ingredient needed is 2 people that are willing to do what the other needs and wants. That makes for some damn fine music.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

@SurpriseMyself, make memories of how this feels, how this works in practice, how it makes your relationship wonderful. Encourage your partner to do the same. Talk about it how wonderful it is, and that you want to keep these feelings alive. Later, if it does start to fade, recall these memories and decide if you want to keep that going - I'm sure you both will, because you will remember how special you are to each other. The hormones may fade, but a deeper and lasting love can persist, and that can be as good - or even better - than the hormonally-induced feelings.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm very happy to hear that things are working well. 

If you don't mind saying, what was it that you were missing with your husband and was it something he could have fixed? Did you let him know and did he try? Did the two of you ever have a passionate sex life together? 

I guess I'm asking whether the issue was how he acted, or who he was. For those of us stuck in LD/HD relationships, with no clue on how to proceed, it would be really helpful to get more information.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Combine that with a very very bad 10 year marriage ... I finally moved out and am no longer with my H.
> 
> After a few months, I decided to try match.com. Well, the very first guy I go on a date with we hit it off. And I did a 180 sexually. It's crazy!!!!



ummmmmm.... You were in a bad marriage for 10 years and now just a few months later you are having fantastic sex!!!!

*That is called a "REBOUND!"*

...odds are once your pain from leaving your husband subsides and you are no longer masking it with sex from a new partner, reality will set in and you will see what you are actually like in a new relationship.Most rebounds last only a short time and then you will realize as you heal from you previous marriage that your needs are very different than they are at the moment. Perhaps it will still be awesome and great, but more than likely you will see you no longer need/desire your new boyfriend anymore once you have healed from 10 years of bad marriage. 

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is stunningly true. Happy for you SM. 




SurpriseMyself said:


> So, the short backstory on me is that I've always thought I was LD. I have trust issues and some other physical things that have gotten in the way of enjoying sex the way I should.
> 
> Combine that with a very very bad 10 year marriage and let's just say I've been out of practice and not feeling the least sexual.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sure - organic brain damage is a cause of that sort of thing. It can happen.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

All I can say is I agree. Some people need trust, emotional love, and closeness for sex to happen and for it to be amazing.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SM,

Your story is a bit different than some, in that you were willing to communicate about sex, and you seem basically honest. 

For many men who have wives who claim to be asexual it can be a shock when they have an affair, date or re-marry, particularly as it makes the sacrifice of being loyal for years to a sexless wife meaningless.

There is also the element of dishonesty, just tell me you find me repulsive, disgusting or unforgivable. Don't tell me you are asexual.

Tamat


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
that sounds like "situational" LD. You had a husband who only wanted mechanical sex, not lovemaking, its not at all surprising that you had limited desire for that. 

I think many LD cases are like that, but many are innate LD, where nothing causes interest. 





SurpriseMyself said:


> I will say that I tried for years and years to get us to work, but he was so defensive and passive aggressive that it never went anywhere. Whenever we would discuss our lack of a sex life, which he preferred we didn't, he would say that he didn't initiate because he knew I didn't want to. To that, I would always respond that I don't want to just have mechanical sex, I want to make love and feel connected. He wasn't interested in a connection (he finally admitted that he doesn't really need this from others), so we were forever dead in the water.
> 
> That, to me, is a clear example of incompatibility. So, the question is are you incompatible or are you just in a rut?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Wow, a lot of Debbie Downers on this thread. Interesting.

Hey Surprise! I'm giving you a big HIGH FIVE! :yay:


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Wow, a lot of Debbie Downers on this thread. Interesting.
> 
> Hey Surprise! I'm giving you a big HIGH FIVE! :yay:


I don't think they are being "debbie downers", so much as they are saying that her situation is not what everyone's situation is. Many people with LD partners are not situational cases. Her story is great and I hope she has continued success, but it won't help everyone. Some people are just naturally LD and nothing will change that.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Wow, a lot of Debbie Downers on this thread. Interesting.
> 
> Hey Surprise! I'm giving you a big HIGH FIVE! :yay:


The Debbie Downers are scared that their LD wives may not be LD for the next guy.

HDs have to do the hard work, you want sex more than the LD, so the argument of "we need to do xyz to improve our sex life" won't work, becaus we don't care much. We just don't.

You can be pouty, angry, kick sand, withhold money, whatever.

If this is to get the LD to want sex, it is fruitless. As a matter of fact, it may have the opposite effect. Because the LD may say, "Well, they act like this when they don't get some? The jerk!"


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Just don't b1tch about being 'turned in for a younger model' when you are.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I just wanted to say congratulations. Whatever happens, I believe you will work on maintaining the pleasure you feel now. Good luck and don't let anyone get you down. Just keep on keepin' on and enjoy.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I disagree. I think the downers are just pointing out that while some people, like the OP, are situational LD, others are just naturally LD.

When you are the HD in a LD/HD relationship, it can be frustrating to hear advice from situational LDs that you (the HD) are doing something wrong. 








techmom said:


> The Debbie Downers are scared that their LD wives may not be LD for the next guy.
> 
> HDs have to do the hard work, you want sex more than the LD, so the argument of "we need to do xyz to improve our sex life" won't work, becaus we don't care much. We just don't.
> 
> ...


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

SurpriseMyself said:


> So, the short backstory on me is that I've always thought I was LD. I have trust issues and some other physical things that have gotten in the way of enjoying sex the way I should.
> 
> Combine that with a very very bad 10 year marriage and let's just say I've been out of practice and not feeling the least sexual.
> 
> ...



Totally happy that your life has turned around. 

I think that Many many men have been with a highly sexual GIRLFRIEND who turned into a less sexual WIFE. There are many reasons to believe that take the "chase" out of the relationship and drive goes down.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

OK, @SurpriseMyself has not posted on any thread since 03/10/2016, or since over a week ago.

In my opinion people generally come here to vent frustrations and have little need to visit TAM when all is going well. So here is a "cheers" to things going well for you!

Badsanta


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

staarz21 said:


> All I can say is I agree. Some people need trust, emotional love, and closeness for sex to happen and for it to be amazing.


Yes, Staarz, you are right. And I'm back to report that, unfortunately, some things happened that killed the trust and emotions that could have been there between us.

For one, he made an inappropriate sexual request of me that was objectifying and a big turn off. He did it because he was feeling down about having lost his job, which I get, but what he asked for just made me close down to him.

After that, things never got back on track. We had sex every time I saw him, but each time it felt less fun, I wasn't excited anymore, etc. And it all just died. And yes, there were a number of times that he did something that reminded me of my STBXH and I reacted by pulling away and putting up walls.

In short, I wasn't ready and even if I was, I don't think he was my guy. But I'm still happy to know that I can feel that and maybe one day I'll have it again with someone.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

Don't let your guard down - this is the flush of the moment. Stay focussed and don't rush into things you may later regret.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Ah, but you see you are doing the very thing that my STBXH did... Not listening. I said above that I didn't want to be LD anymore. *That I wanted and tried to work through our lack of sex and connection WITH my husband, but he shut me down and shut me out. I finally had to give up. He had the opportunity to work with me to become amazing sexually between us, but he wants something different than what I want. I honestly think he's watched too much porn - he sees sex as an act nearing mutual masterbation and not ever more. *
> 
> So, all is not lost with you and your LD wife. But do you know what is blocking her? Have you really listened?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Makes all the sense in the world to me.. you had a lot of built up resentment towards your Ex, he didn't know how to make love, didn't need an emotional connection.. a woman wants to feel loved, cherished, understood ..with the man caring about HER PLEASURE too...then she can't get enough of him...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Yes, Staarz, you are right. And I'm back to report that, unfortunately, some things happened that killed the trust and emotions that could have been there between us.
> 
> For one, he made an inappropriate sexual request of me that was objectifying and a big turn off. *He did it because he was feeling down about having lost his job, which I get,* but what he asked for just made me close down to him.
> 
> ...



I remember a post a long time ago from you about you deleting all your threads because many people here were cruel likely because they themselves were hurting.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

So, update on this. The two of us were able to communicate, he apologized for his missteps, and we are actually dating again. Things are pretty good now, although I do not see him as often as I'd like. And things are still good sexually, so no slow down there, either!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hey Surprise, I am soooo happy for you! 


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=F1lJFlB-89Q


I'm sure some, a small part, of the drive is the newness, but that doesn't mean it will wear off. You're older, you're smarter, you've worked on yourself and learned to love yourself and all of that absolutely contributes to a better sex drive, IMO. 

The fact that your sex drive is tied to a response elicited from a great partner is what is curious. Not wrong, just curious because I think WANTING a sex drive is more than half the battle. If your sex drive has always been promoted as a response, than your sex drive will plummet if things go bad or you don't have partner to prompt it. If you have someone who you WANT to WANT sexually, and who also happens to deserve to be wanted....  you might be promoting your sex drive as much as he is. 

I think most women have a very fluid drive for sex. Sometimes they're just horny and want it. Sometimes their partner inspires it. I think most of the time it's a mic of both. But within a troubled marriage, there are factors that inhibit a woman's sex drive. If the husband has been a jerk, if he has marginalized the wife, if he acts like a child and the wife is the Mommy...yuck! Only a very very strong sex drive can function through that. (Yes thank you very much...)

Surprise, you're with a guy who A) doesn't piss you off, and B) inspires you to respond. So long as both of those remain in play, I bet your sex drive also remains delightfully strong.


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