# Should I message the women my husband is in communication with?



## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

So I have been going back and forth about reaching out to the women that my Husband is betraying me with. 

Last summer my husband met a complete stranger, picked her up and took her hours away to take photos. He says it was just friends but he lied about the whole day and managednto hide it for 6 months until I found out. 

Just yesterday I found out my husband is texting sexual things to a friend who is married herself. He also texted another female friend and said he wishes she would fall in love with him and he woukd make her happy forever. 

We discussed it calmly no yelling but it led to him saying he thinks we should get divorced. Even though earlier in the convo he said he wants to stay married. 

Should I basically tell on him with the woman who sent him a photo of her thong and is married? Should I reach out to the other woman and find out what kind of relationship they have since apparently he wants her to love him? And do I reach out to the other random women he met and spent the day with? 

I got back and forth and haven't done it to protect my heart because he already has threatened to divorce me for years and keeps betraying the marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So first GIVE HIM the divorce -- WHY would you want to stay with someone like this? (because I love him isn't enough -- he is NOT a good husband AT ALL). You need to stand up FOR YOU -- if your H is constantly betraying you, WHY would you want to continue that?

Second, for the married woman, find who her HUSBAND is and send a copy of that pic to HIM --- let him know what his wife is doing (cheating).
I wouldn't "find out" what relationship they have. IF you feel compelled to message her -- just say "Did you know that H is MARRIED -- to ME" and you are cheating with a married man.

I BET he has told these woman that he is either not married or divorced and they probably have no clue you exist.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> So I have been going back and forth about reaching out to the women that my Husband is betraying me with.
> 
> Last summer my husband met a complete stranger, picked her up and took her hours away to take photos. He says it was just friends but he lied about the whole day and managednto hide it for 6 months until I found out.
> 
> ...


Your husband is a busy man.

I agree to tell the husband of the chick sending ass pictures, he deserves to know. As for the other two, for what purpose would it serve?

Make some calls to divorce attorneys instead. Your husband doesn’t want to be faithful to you. I’m sorry you are here. Crappiest feeling on earth, but communicating with these women isn’t going to bring you any peace.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

What's sad is that the married woman he was sexting is his friends wife's brother. And the other woman he was texting loves with them! It's so twisted.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> What's sad is that the married woman he was sexting is his friends wife's brother. And the other woman he was texting loves with them! It's so twisted.


Ok after I did the charts with crayon, I came to the conclusion that is just twisted. Something is So wrong with that guy. You don’t need to be part of this Jerry Springer marathon... seriously. Gracefully bow out and be done with it. Find a nice man who enjoys boring things like monogamy and honesty.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

That's was my idea at first I said, "what purpose does it serve"? Just to get hurt more? To find out what??? That there was more lies or more to the story? What else do I need? 

As for the married women. I feel really bad cause she is married to a friends brother. The pic just showed her side pulling up a string showing the color of her underwear, so no butt pic. My husband on the other hand said a whole lot of dirty talk. They shouldn't be talking like this period. They are married and he said it was a joke. Its not a joke saying he's going to kiss her thigh and go down on her!!!!!!!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> That's was my idea at first I said, "what purpose does it serve"? Just to get hurt more? To find out what??? That there was more lies or more to the story? What else do I need?
> 
> As for the married women. I feel really bad cause she is married to a friends brother. The pic just showed her side pulling up a string showing the color of her underwear, so no butt pic. My husband on the other hand said a whole lot of dirty talk. They shouldn't be talking like this period. They are married and he said it was a joke. Its not a joke saying he's going to kiss her thigh and go down on her!!!!!!!


Thats a really funny joke! Make sure you share how funny that joke is with her husband, he will get a real chuckle. And since it’s just a silly joke between platonic friends neither one should mind. Harmless.

Your husband is the joke.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Don't bother with the women, they're just hoes. Serve your "husband" with divorce papers and then contact the husbands/partners of the hoes. They deserve to know what they're sleeping with.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I wouldn’t text any of these women, no way.

They’re going to text your husband straight back and say, ‘Wah wah Wah your wife texted me!’

And then they text backwards and forwards about you.

Why feed into this? It’s just going to make them bond together like glue.

He’s Throwing the divorce line at you when he gets caught to regain control. Yet he hasn’t actually divorced you. Think about this. He wants a fantasy life but wants his wife too. 

Really get classy here and forget all of them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tell the OW’s husband. He has the right to know what his wife is doing with your husband. Talking with her will do you no good.

It is your husband that has betrayed you not her.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If your plan is to divorce, I would let the husband know and leave it at that. You don't need the extra drama in your life but that guy does deserve to know what his wife is up to. Talking to the OW most likely won't make you feel any better or accomplish what you want. 

If any part of you wants to reconcile then I'd keep quiet for now. You need to know the full story, otherwise he will just admit to what you know and hide the rest. Telling the husband and cutting off all the OW would come a bit later.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One day in the future you are going to look back and regret every minute you tolerated your husband's behavior. 

Is this the type of man you imagined being married to? Is this how you visualized married life? Is this how you want to spend living the next 5/10/20 years? Is this the man you want setting an example for your children? Would you fall in love with him if you met him today and he acted this way?

I think you are fighting for an idea because your marriage as it is isn't worth fighting for. Sorry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who your husband is and this is what he does. You’ll either live with it or you’ll divorce him.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He threatened you with divorce? What a jerk. You need to QUICKLY get your ducks in a row. File for D, expose that married woman to her husband. I wouldn’t bother talking to these other women. They will just bring you unneeded drama. These are women who most likely know he’s married but don’t care.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> So I have been going back and forth about reaching out to the women that my Husband is betraying me with.
> 
> Last summer my husband met a complete stranger, picked her up and took her hours away to take photos. He says it was just friends but he lied about the whole day and managednto hide it for 6 months until I found out.
> 
> ...


Well, I would divorce him and, if I was going to contact anyone, it would be the husbands/boyfriends of the women that are involved with your stbx.


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## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

Cheaters will always remain cheaters because they enjoy it. No one can change them. Now, it's all up to you if you want to put up with his betrayal. Do you like it? I suppose not. Then do something that will lead you towards a happy life you wanted. You are a decent woman. It is not difficult to find a decent man who values respect, trust and decency in a relationship.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> So I have been going back and forth about reaching out to the women that my Husband is betraying me with.
> 
> Last summer my husband met a complete stranger, picked her up and took her hours away to take photos. He says it was just friends but he lied about the whole day and managednto hide it for 6 months until I found out.
> 
> ...


Give him a divorce. I personally think it will be a gift to you, not him. Do not bother messaging the women. For what? The problem is him. He seems to be acting in a way that makes him seem available, they may not know about you, or care frankly. It wouldn't matter confronting the women. The issue you need to confront is living in your own home. Divorce him, he's so not worth it.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Everything that @QuietRiot already said is good advice.

Talking to these women will just hurt more, plus they are likely to lie. If you want to shut down his party, talk to the other woman's husband.Then call a lawyer. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's time to take care of you.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

When


Cooper said:


> One day in the future you are going to look back and regret every minute you tolerated your husband's behavior.
> 
> Is this the type of man you imagined being married to? Is this how you visualized married life? Is this how you want to spend living the next 5/10/20 years? Is this the man you want setting an example for your children? Would you fall in love with him if you met him today and he acted this way?
> 
> I think you are fighting for an idea because your marriage as it is isn't worth fighting for. Sorry.


Thanks for this. It's hard because I also struggle with anxiety and agoraphobia. It's made my husband very unhappy but it's no excuse to go outside the marriage and have these types of communication with other women.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Give him a divorce. I personally think it will be a gift to you, not him. Do not bother messaging the women. For what? The problem is him. He seems to be acting in a way that makes him seem available, they may not know about you, or care frankly. It wouldn't matter confronting the women. The issue you need to confront is living in your own home. Divorce him, he's so not worth it.


These 2 recent women he was talking to he has been friends with for many years. One of them, the one he said he wished would fall in love with him even responded that she is so sorry he's been unhappy for so long with his wife. I've never met these women due to them living a state away and I haven't traveled there. They know who I am through social media though and they know he's married.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If you divorce, can you take care of yourself given the mental issues?

If not you might have to make the hard choice to put up with his crap for all eternity. 

Might be the lesser of two evils. But don't expect things to get better.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> Should I reach out to the other woman and find out what kind of relationship they have since apparently he wants her to love him?


I suggest the only reaching out you should be doing at this point is to an attorney. Seriously.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Like others have said, you really need to dump this turd of a husband. He’s the type of guy that will always be on the hunt for a new vag. Why waste anymore of your precious good years with him. There are so many men who would love to have a loving, loyal wife to make feel safe. 

Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you with him. A serial cheater will just continue to bring you grief.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> These 2 recent women he was talking to he has been friends with for many years. One of them, the one he said he wished would fall in love with him even responded that she is so sorry he's been unhappy for so long with his wife. I've never met these women due to them living a state away and I haven't traveled there. They know who I am through social media though and they know he's married.


Ok, so the question remains, are THEY married? If so, maybe it's time to inform her or their husband (as you said two).


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

One is married the other recently broken up with a boyfriend.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I wouldn’t text any of these women, no way.
> 
> They’re going to text your husband straight back and say, ‘Wah wah Wah your wife texted me!’
> 
> ...


I like how you worded everything!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So are you going to stay with this loser?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> I like how you worded everything!


Just send her husband screenshots of what they have been texting.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I wouldn’t even let the husbands know - why should you be picking up anyone’s mess?

They probably know already. Don’t be the good soul here trying to show people what’s right and wrong.

The husbands probably have their own suspicions and own issues with their wives.

Honestly, get on with your life and let all the teenagers play out their dramas.

Your husband is not a catch, all of these online little games tell me he’s a coward hiding behind a screen. This is not a situation where he’s so full of confidence and chatting up a coworker or the lady next door. They are teenagers chatting online, it’s all safe for him.

He hasn’t divorced you or left you, he just wants to safely chat to chicks online, this is not your drama, not your mess. Why stick your neck out for the husbands or for yourself? You’re only going to come out the bad guy.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> I wouldn’t even let the husbands know - why should you be picking up anyone’s mess?
> 
> They probably know already. Don’t be the good soul here trying to show people what’s right and wrong.
> 
> The husbands probably have their own suspicions and own issues with their wives.


Do you have any idea what it feels like to be the last to know you’re being cheated on?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Do you have any idea what it feels like to be the last to know you’re being cheated on?


I don’t, and I can’t imagine what that would feel like, so I apologise if I seem to know it all, I don’t.

I did grow up in a culture and a home however, where I watched idiots running amok and wives jumping through hoops to ring around and ‘let people know’ about cheating. And I felt sorry because the idiots always came out the good guys and the wives got painted as crazy ladies. The messenger always got shot. And the community I grew up in was full of ‘no wonder the poor man had to cheat, look at her’. Most of the time everyone looked away and the ‘just friends’ and affair partners just bonded together, and eventually people still stayed married.

In one situation, the husband of a cheating wife called the wife sick in the head and proudly said, ‘what’s wrong with my wife and your husband being friends’. They are happily married still, his wife was the femme fatale and got a BMW for her 50th. Maybe there are happy endings? Cheaters are generally winners because they are entitled victims until they end up old and insane.

I’m sorry for the people who were the last to know. 😥


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I don’t, and I can’t imagine what that would feel like, so I apologise if I seem to know it all, I don’t.
> 
> I did grow up in a culture and a home however, where I watched idiots running amok and wives jumping through hoops to ring around and ‘let people know’ about cheating. And I felt sorry because the idiots always came out the good guys and the wives got painted as crazy ladies. The messenger always got shot. And the community I grew up in was full of ‘no wonder the poor man had to cheat, look at her’. Most of the time everyone looked away and the ‘just friends’ and affair partners just bonded together, and eventually people still stayed married.
> 
> ...


This is a good example of why I haven't done it. Im worried I will be the "crazy" one just because I believe what is happening is very wrong and maybe they won't even care. Then I was worried it would cause me more distress. If I were on the other side of it, I would want to know.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Then don’t act like some bat **** crazy person. Just give the information and tell them to do with it as they please.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What have you decided to do?

Are you going to stay with your cheating spouse or divorce?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> Im worried I will be the "crazy" one just because I believe what is happening is very wrong and maybe they won't even care.


Of course they will care. As you said, if you were on the other side of this, you'd want to know. They have a right to know the truth so they don't have to live a lie. 

Don't lose it when you tell them. In fact, just send copies of the evidence, no need to meet in person or to chat, unless they and you decide to after you share what you know.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> This is a good example of why I haven't done it. Im worried I will be the "crazy" one just because I believe what is happening is very wrong and maybe they won't even care. Then I was worried it would cause me more distress. If I were on the other side of it, I would want to know.


Maybe they will care, maybe they’ll print it and wipe their butt, maybe it’ll cause a butterfly effect and birth a Nobel Prize winning author. Who cares what they do with the info!?!?


The point, more importantly...is that YOU don’t seem to care what your husband is doing. What are YOU doing with the information you have on the sleaze bag you are married to? Why is your greatest concern right now to NOT act like you’re “crazy”? This guy takes a dump on your face, and your like.. “I just don’t want to seem crazy...” WHAT!?!?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> When
> 
> Thanks for this. It's hard because I also struggle with anxiety and agoraphobia. It's made my husband very unhappy but it's no excuse to go outside the marriage and have these types of communication with other women.


You are painting light hues over his dark actions due to your own gossamer frailty. 

You are a nervous homebody.
OK, I get that.

But, that is no reason for him to wag his muddied up penis in your face.

He is using your fears against you...and is winning. That is why he continues to embarrass you.

Break away from this man There are plenty of other men in the world.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

ABHale said:


> What have you decided to do?
> 
> Are you going to stay with your cheating spouse or divorce?


We're not even talking about any of it since I found out and he said he thinks we should get divorced. Just trying to process everything.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Maybe they will care, maybe they’ll print it and wipe their butt, maybe it’ll cause a butterfly effect and birth a Nobel Prize winning author. Who cares what they do with the info!?!?
> 
> 
> The point, more importantly...is that YOU don’t seem to care what your husband is doing. What are YOU doing with the information you have on the sleaze bag you are married to? Why is your greatest concern right now to NOT act like you’re “crazy”? This guy takes a dump on your face, and your like.. “I just don’t want to seem crazy...” WHAT!?!?


It's definitely not my biggest concern. I'm trying to process all of my emotions and thoughts. Me and the H are not talking about it since he said he thinks we should get divorced and he's not sleeping in the room.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

At this point I think we’d all agree that you need to contact a divorce attorney. Why would you want a man like that? You can contact the women if you want, and certainly any husbands you know about if you can find them. Also, I’d consider getting an STD test if I were you. You just never know what you have been exposed to. I hope you end the heck out of this, and don’t take him back if he comes crawling back to try.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ClarissaStruggles said:


> ... he already has threatened to divorce me for years and keeps betraying the marriage.


I'd suggest you quit trying to "process" your emotions and just get angry enough to kick his worthless ass to the curb. Learn to love and respect yourself. This man is tearing you down. And the reason he has treated you this way for years is because you tolerate it.

Time to get ANGRY and get out of this mess.


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## ClarissaStruggles (Mar 26, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'd suggest you quit trying to "process" your emotions and just get angry enough to kick his worthless ass to the curb. Learn to love and respect yourself. This man is tearing you down. And the reason he has treated you this way for years is because you tolerate it.
> 
> Time to get ANGRY and get out of this mess.


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