# seriously need help



## nicolia (Oct 2, 2011)

So despite arguments and problems between my husband and I, I still desire sex, a lot. We have been together since we were 17, lost our virginity to each other, and married for 7 years now. However I have ALWAYS wanted sex more often but settled for about 3 nights a week. Now I am lucky if I can get it out of him twice a month, and usually the only way this is accomplished is if I start him off with oral. If no oral is involved, forget it, he will rarely get worked up. 

There are some issues in our marriage which you can read the whole boring story if you want here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...but-i-know-we-need-help-sorry-being-long.html

But as I am reading through the forums I guess sex is the biggest issue. We are both 27 and I just recently started having orgasms. I didn't know what a female orgasm was until a girlfriend suggested I buy this specific little vibrating toy (yes I have tried other vibrators), but I guess this one was just the right frequency because one night I was like "HOLY HELL WHAT JUST HAPPENED". It was the most amazing thing I have every felt and I did it by myself. Since then I have never had an orgasm with my husband, even though I have showed him how, talked to him about it, and tried using the same toy during sex with him. 

So now I can do it myself, that is great, but I want sex EVEN more, and he wants it even less. I know porn is an issue, I have a few videos that I have deemed as tasteful and the women look real. One is an instructional video for couples. But he really just doesn't seem interested in me. 

I take care of myself, I exercise regularly and have lost most of my baby weight. He tells me I look good. But he has gained more weight over the years and I know that is a factor in his energy level. But nagging him about that only makes it worse. He has to want to get in shape on his own. He tells me he is depressed about his weight gain but he doesn't work out or make any of the right food choices. even though I buy and cook healthy he still eats crap when he is on his own. 

I am at a loss


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The two of you have unresolved issues and you gave a serious health issue and he is getting out of shape.

You two need marriage counseling.

And a candid assessment of sexual needs.

And look into his focus elsewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

how is his stamina ? perhaps he is intimidated of your sex drive. How is his oral skills ? I usually give my wifey oral till she has an orgasm just in case she isn't able to before I do.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

What consequences would you suggest?


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

I agree with balexander, there's a good chance his ego took a shot when he found out 1.) He never made you orgasm and 2.) A toy finally did. Also, if you put pressure on him to perform (bringing in the toy, giving him directions, etc.) and he lets you down, HUGE ego hit. 

I would try reassuring him to let him know that you really do enjoy sex with him, and that it's more important to be close with him than to have an orgasm. If the orgasm is your only goal, you're probably better off just sticking with the toy. BTW, care to share the make and model? I like keeping my wife's fun chest well stocked


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## nicolia (Oct 2, 2011)

Whoops, I accidently deleted what I wrote here... To sum it up, he seeemed interested and excited about trying.to give me an orgasm, now he is irritated and upset at me for trying to tell him what I.like.


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## nicolia (Oct 2, 2011)

randomtxguy said:


> I agree with balexander, there's a good chance his ego took a shot when he found out 1.) He never made you orgasm and 2.) A toy finally did. Also, if you put pressure on him to perform (bringing in the toy, giving him directions, etc.) and he lets you down, HUGE ego hit.
> 
> I would try reassuring him to let him know that you really do enjoy sex with him, and that it's more important to be close with him than to have an orgasm. If the orgasm is your only goal, you're probably better off just sticking with the toy. BTW, care to share the make and model? I like keeping my wife's fun chest well stocked


The brand is "california exotic novelties". it has a motor and then a wire with a small pill sized vibrator at the end.


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## nicolia (Oct 2, 2011)

I give up, ugh, he is a miserable person. Now he tells me I am too over eager and it turns him off. We have one week of decent sex and now he is completely disinterested. Once again it is completely about his orgasm, I tried to give him a few ideas of things I wanted to try and he said I'm being too technical and that I think too much. I think he just wants to get his and be done. I'm so irritated, I have better sex by myslelf! I think I'm going to stop instigating. I feel like I always focus on his pleasure. He likes oral, I give lots of oral, he likes (fill in the blank) and I will try to do what he wants. I ask for one position or oral or manual stimulation, and he whined and complains and says I'm too needy and I make sex not fun. I feel like if he really loved me he would only want to please me, like I've always focused on pleasing him. Ugh... Maybe I need to become a lesbian ...


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Well, first of all, don't start playing for the other team just yet, there are some guys who do focus on their woman's pleasure and actually derive their own from pleasing their SO.

Does he complain about things outside of the bedroom? Or is this just something that happens inside the bedroom? It could just be his personality.

If you're still giving lots of oral and giving in to his requests in bed, he has no reason to change. I'm not saying "My way or the highway" is the way to go, but taking his favorites off the table and instead offering him new things may be the way to go. It sounds childish, but then again, it sounds like he's acting childish. Trading oral or manual stimulation may be a good way to go. You just have to be prepared to tell him why those things are off the table and stick with your guns. Good luck!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

nicolia said:


> I give up, ugh, he is a miserable person. Now he tells me I am too over eager and it turns him off. We have one week of decent sex and now he is completely disinterested. Once again it is completely about his orgasm, I tried to give him a few ideas of things I wanted to try and he said I'm being too technical and that I think too much. I think he just wants to get his and be done. I'm so irritated, I have better sex by myslelf! I think I'm going to stop instigating. I feel like I always focus on his pleasure. He likes oral, I give lots of oral, he likes (fill in the blank) and I will try to do what he wants. I ask for one position or oral or manual stimulation, and he whined and complains and says I'm too needy and I make sex not fun. I feel like if he really loved me he would only want to please me, like I've always focused on pleasing him. Ugh... Maybe I need to become a lesbian ...


It's not too needy to want marital satisfaction. Not for you, not for him.

He is either deliberately cruel or has some kind of strange sexual hangup that he has not addressed.

Address it head on! Insist on what your needs are. Be blunt and truthful.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

This seems like an easily solvable problem.

Stop nagging him, instead tell him when you want to have sex. Just say, "I'm horny, let's have sex!" Whenever he says no go grab your vibrator and start masturbating. Talk to him while you are doing it. Don't nag or demand his attention, just make it clear you are having a good time and would be happy if he joined you. Keep it playful and sexy, put on a little show for him, you want him to feel enticed without feeling like he is being pressured to participate. Focus on your own pleasure but treat him like he is incredibly sexy and is contributing, even if only through a memory or fantasy. If he still hasn't jumped in by the time you orgasm let him know when it's starting and say something like "I want your **** inside me so bad right now", when you're done go give him a kiss and tell him you love him, then go about your business like you're happy and satisfied. Don't mention sex in any way and don't treat him like you resent him for not participating, if he brings it up stay playful and make it clear you're looking forward to next time. 

100% guarantee any straight man treated like this by a beautiful woman will want to have sex with her more. If you do this a couple times and he still isn't showing interest then there is something deeply wrong and he requires medical attention.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

touch touch touch touch lick stroke kiss breathe lick nibble kiss lick touch touch squeeze

We're not complicated.


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## nicolia (Oct 2, 2011)

randomtxguy said:


> Well, first of all, don't start playing for the other team just yet, there are some guys who do focus on their woman's pleasure and actually derive their own from pleasing their SO.
> 
> Does he complain about things outside of the bedroom? Or is this just something that happens inside the bedroom? It could just be his personality.
> 
> If you're still giving lots of oral and giving in to his requests in bed, he has no reason to change. I'm not saying "My way or the highway" is the way to go, but taking his favorites off the table and instead offering him new things may be the way to go. It sounds childish, but then again, it sounds like he's acting childish. Trading oral or manual stimulation may be a good way to go. You just have to be prepared to tell him why those things are off the table and stick with your guns. Good luck!


Yes he does complain about a lot of things. The issue in the bedroom is thato he just likes to lay there and do nothing. He doesn't want to have to put forth effort, like most thigs in life.... He complains yet does nothing about it. 
I have tried taking away the oral, and he just resented me for it. It made our relationship 10x worse and thats when he started looking at porn more often which I found out about when our computer started randomly crashing. Not only that but he started engaging in online chatting and camera programs (camfrog), trying to get sexual satisfaction that way I guess. When I found these things, he found his bags packed. He begged my forgiveness and in the end, having two small kids together, I forgave him. But I still resent the fact that its always his needs over mine and the fact that he is such a lazy lover . I can't force him to do more, and constantly telling him what I want just gets him angry at me and he tells me it makes him want me less. I thought doing more for him and focusing on his 

pleasure would make him more energetic , but it just makes him lazier. guess.


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## nicolia (Oct 2, 2011)

And as far as masturbating in front of him, anytime I show any sort if sexual arousal he says "in trying too hard" and that it turns him off. I do think there is something wrong with him. I think he still watches porn which creates unrealistic expectations. I bought a few videos that I find tasteful. They are of couples having sex , it says "real couples", one is intimate incounters, the other one is a couples kama sutra video. He won't watch them with.me, he.says. that I make it weird because I talk about it too much. 

No I'm not really going to become lesbian, although women are beautiful. I'm just wondering how much more effort I should put into this marriage before I realize he is a miserable .person who wants to .just lay there and be fat and lazy, and complain about beeing.fat, but not do anything about it.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Hi Nicolia,

It sounds like your man has a general lack of motivation in his life. He probably needs a revelation to fix himself before he can address any of your needs. Couples counseling would probably be a great idea for the two of you (as well as individual counseling for him). Any chance that could happen?

On the sex front, have you tried setting a date night each week? It could be a great way to set the mood and get things moving along organically. Also, is there any way you could compromise on certain issues, like the porn? Maybe you could meet him in the middle and let him pick something to watch? The last thing I can think of is that you could ice him out completely, just buy lots of batteries, tell him what you're doing, and that you'll be thrilled to have sex with him when he instigates and puts some effort in. Also make it clear (if you haven't already) that cam sites aren't acceptable. If you don't always go to him, then he has to actually make things happen. If he knows what's at stake and opts out, well, at least you know what you're dealing with.

Good luck and hang in there!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ren said:


> This seems like an easily solvable problem.
> 
> Stop nagging him, instead tell him when you want to have sex. Just say, "I'm horny, let's have sex!" Whenever he says no go grab your vibrator and start masturbating. Talk to him while you are doing it. Don't nag or demand his attention, just make it clear you are having a good time and would be happy if he joined you. Keep it playful and sexy, put on a little show for him, you want him to feel enticed without feeling like he is being pressured to participate. Focus on your own pleasure but treat him like he is incredibly sexy and is contributing, even if only through a memory or fantasy. If he still hasn't jumped in by the time you orgasm let him know when it's starting and say something like "I want your **** inside me so bad right now", when you're done go give him a kiss and tell him you love him, then go about your business like you're happy and satisfied. Don't mention sex in any way and don't treat him like you resent him for not participating, if he brings it up stay playful and make it clear you're looking forward to next time.
> 
> 100% guarantee any straight man treated like this by a beautiful woman will want to have sex with her more. If you do this a couple times and he still isn't showing interest then there is something deeply wrong and he requires medical attention.


 or he is dead!


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