# When does the doubt, suspicion, insecurity end?



## klab0001 (Dec 17, 2010)

On Sept 24th I found out that my wife had been having an affair. It started as an EA and turned into a PA, I discoverd on the day she was going to see him a 2nd time. At that point she ended it cold turkey only to find out 4 weeks later that she was again communicating with him stating she need closure. We have been going to therapy and working 100% on our marrage. On one shoulder I have an angel telling me that it's over and on the other shoulder I have the devil creating negative dark thoughts. When does all of this go away? When will I stop turning everything into a sign that the affair is still happening? This is so painful and I feel alone because W does not understand what I am going through. When I bring up my insecurity at times she gets frustrated and states how long do I have to deal with not being trusted. I wish there was something my W could say or do to erase my suspicion and insecurity!!??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Before I get into how I got my trust back from my DW, are you sure she is not contacting the OM? 4 weeks is kind of a long time to.... to decide there was closure. It seems it should have been done the day you confronted her, or at least a couple of days later?

How do you know, and is there anyway you can verify her activities?

I've been through this sh*t for the last 10 month, and I have a ton of things that have helped me/us in reconnecting and got alot of the trust back. No contact is #1 rule, what so ever!

I've tracked my W like a hawk for the 1st few months and she's been a straight shooter. My W action have been verified and her stories are adding up, according to the evidences.

She took it and dealt with it, I asked, she aswered. Granted she baulked a bit at first, but when I explained what I needed to move forward, she understood. She basicly gave her self back to me.

Finding out or catching your W 4 weeks later, contacting OM with out your knoldge is a bad start. Is she at least home all the time, and if she is with the family or is she texting or emailing at home? She really needs to give her self over to you.

It's real important that she understands that getting frusterated about your interogation is also a bad way to start off.
If she has any remorse at all she needs to take her licks and deal with your inquiry and answer your question with regret not anger. The cheating needs to be talked about, especially in the beginning, what she did and how to get past this should be the topic of the day.

So do you think SHE is ready before you start throwing all this trust back out there? Is SHE ready to do the work that is needed for you to heal? She is the one that will regain your trust and heal your insecerities. No one else not even you, it is all up to her, she will have to give up everything of hers and give it all to you. Do you think she is ready to start thinking about "we" and not "me"? Is she willing to give herself over to you? At least until you heal? The more she opens up and gives in the quicker you will healing.

Some will disagree with my point of view and claim your only pushing her away, But for me there was my way or the high way. There was no way I could move forward in the marraige enless I got what I needed to heal. If you want to fogive, you also need to heal. 


This cheating crap started b/c we had a problematic marraige, I did my part in changing that and she is doing her part in changing her behaviors. That helps us have a healthier marraige. But her cheating is something I could never get over enless she gave her self back to me. This time I charish it and respect that gift. It amazes me to see my wife totaly give her self to me, after all these years.


In short, the doubts and insecurities will end when you have no more suspicions, its all up to her and how she wants to behave.


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