# Differing sex drives



## bryanj72 (May 9, 2017)

Hello all. Have been married for 3.5 years and wife is 46 and I am 45. When we got together and were dating sex was once twice a week since we weren't living together. Once we got married (and I found out about her depression/anxiety which has since turned into a bipolar diagnosis) it came to a screeching halt ( talking no more than 5-6 times a year since we got married). She says she doesn't need intimacy in a relationship to be happy. I, on the other hand do, and am cognizant of the effect that certain medications have on a libido. What are some ways to counteract the medication side effects (if any). thanks in advance all


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If she says right out that she doesn't need intimacy, I think you're screwed. Time to go find a new wifey. They are replaceable, trust me. 

You need to stand your ground and give her consequences. Give her a timeline to get fixed and back to having sex 3x a week or you'll file for divorce. It's actually simple, just have to be motivated and be the alpha in the relationship.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

bryanj72 said:


> Hello all. Have been married for 3.5 years and wife is 46 and I am 45. When we got together and were dating sex was once twice a week since we weren't living together. Once we got married (and I found out about her depression/anxiety which has since turned into a bipolar diagnosis) it came to a screeching halt ( talking no more than 5-6 times a year since we got married). She says she doesn't need intimacy in a relationship to be happy. I, on the other hand do, and am cognizant of the effect that certain medications have on a libido. What are some ways to counteract the medication side effects (if any). thanks in advance all


It's the meds. Many of the anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds can cause loss of libido. She needs to go to her doctor and switch her meds or be placed on Wellbutrin in order to attempt to get her sex drive back. Had that with my ex, but she refused to go on any meds. I, like you, need intimacy in a relationship. No intimacy, no reason to be there. Have her go to the doc, you should go too, and discuss all options. If you continue to allow her to dictate the marriage, it's not going to be fun ride.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> If she says right out that she doesn't need intimacy, I think you're screwed. Time to go find a new wifey. They are replaceable, trust me.
> 
> You need to stand your ground and give her consequences. Give her a timeline to get fixed and back to having sex 3x a week or you'll file for divorce. It's actually simple, just have to be motivated and be the alpha in the relationship.


If she acquiesces and gives in to ultimatum sex, that may allow OP to get off 3x/wk, but it may be no more satisfying than tossing off solo. In some ways, it can be even more frustrating. Emotionally, it's a huge turnoff and there are those of us who simply get up for that (so to speak). Without desire, there is still no real connection.

Unless OP is good with this, the request shouldn't be for sex, but for the couple to work together (and maybe with a counselor) to find ways for his wife to actually enjoy it rather than just do it. This can be a much tougher nut to crack, but without it, the relationship may still be on equally shaky ground.


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## bryanj72 (May 9, 2017)

Thanks for the perspective all....I am currently leaning towards divorce and she knows so she has shifted to I promised I would be her rock, yada yada...and I told her I thought I was getting a woman who was open to talking about things and working as a couple to solve problems....I know where it is headed just this is more so I can look in the mirror and say i have done everything I can to make it work....i do appreciate the feedback though


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

bryanj72 said:


> Thanks for the perspective all....I am currently leaning towards divorce and she knows so she has shifted to I promised I would be her rock, yada yada...and I told her I thought I was getting a woman who was open to talking about things and working as a couple to solve problems....I know where it is headed just this is more so I can look in the mirror and say i have done everything I can to make it work....i do appreciate the feedback though


I've been in your situation, and we all have our reasons on why to leave. Marriage is a partnership and everything should be tried prior to even considering divorce. You've not tried everything. If it is her meds, then it's actually not her fault. The meds change the chemistry in our brains. Most often limits the sexual desire chemicals. Have you tried therapy? Have you tried going with her to her doc and discussing different options? Have you tried a sex therapist? If any of the answers to these questions are no, then you've not tried everything. I can only use my failed marriage as an example. You sir, have not tried everything. It is fine to get up and walk away. Many people do. It's what most people do when they do not want to work at a marriage. Not faulting you for it at all. The heart wants what it wants. Your's places sex over everything else, and that is fine. We all have to go our own way. If you truly loved her and wanted to work at the marriage, then you would try some of these things I've mentioned. I did, sadly, my ex-wife didn't want to try. Thus, after many months (well over a year), I filed for divorce to end the pain. 

Proceed carefully my friend. Karma has a weird way of coming back and hitting you between the eyes when you least expect it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes, you promised you would be her rock. But then she broke the contract when she casually disregarded your needs. Intimacy in a marriage is what _defines_ it. It's not just an aftermarket option. The car that is your marriage doesn't have a working engine and the manufacturer is not honoring the warranty. 

You signed up for a wife, not a roommate, and she misled you in that respect.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you or she able to talk to her doctor about her meds? I suspect they are the root cause here.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bryanj72 said:


> I, on the other hand do, and am cognizant of the effect that certain medications have on a libido.


While medications can impact libido, assume that this is not the cause and approach the issue from a standpoint that you and your wife have different personalities and that you likely receive sexual validation in completely different ways.

Here are some examples of how women might receive sexual validation:

1) Sex feels good physically when my partner pleases me
2) Intimacy feels good emotionally
3) It feels good to be desired
4) It feels good to please my partner
5) It feels good to control my partner
6) It feels good to let my partner be in control
7) It feels good to desire my partner

If you can determine which way(s) your wife enjoys intimacy, it will be the first step to solving many issues.

Some women simply want to please and may not enjoy being pleased for example. Some women enjoy getting attention while others enjoy getting to know someone. Everyone is different.

Badsanta


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

bryanj72 said:


> She says she doesn't need intimacy in a relationship to be happy. I, on the other hand do


That ought to be enough for you to make your decision.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

So, you don't feel the manipulation when she says you promised to be her rock?

"You promised you would be my wife. Refusing to work on intimacy tells me how little you value me, and will soon lead to divorce."


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

You didn't know about her mental health issues before marriage? Did you get married in a rush without getting to know her first? 

At your age I'm guessing this is a second marriage. If so it might be worth some introspection to work out what your issues are. FWIW it really is beneficial to spend at least 2 or 3 years with a partner before committing to them especially if it is a post divorce relationship.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Bryanj72,

Is she passionate about anything in life, is she emotionally connected to someone else?

Tamat


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> If she says right out that she doesn't need intimacy, I think you're *screwed*.


Surely if it was _that_ simple... :wink2:

A very common problem and unfortunately not an easy one to solve. It will come down to you explaining/making it clear to her that this is a very difficult situation for you to find yourself in and depends on how much compassion/compromise she is willing to strike with you. She may not realise it is such a struggle for you in the first place (hence compassion always plays a huge part in the probability of a successful compromise). Or she may decide that your struggle is not such a big issue (or that her own struggle takes precedence), then it is more difficult.
It is crucial how you approach it though: don't minimise your problem and also don't appear like you have no regard for her situation either.
Many men fail at the first hurdle: by not being able to successfully communicate that it is a serious issue to them. They expect their wives to be able read their minds (not saying that's what you are doing but making you aware of the possible pitfalls).

If all fails, you will have to decide whether this situation is acceptable to you.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bryanj72 said:


> Thanks for the perspective all....I am currently leaning towards divorce and she knows so she has shifted to I promised I would be her rock, yada yada...and I told her I thought I was getting a woman who was open to talking about things and working as a couple to solve problems....I know where it is headed just this is more so I can look in the mirror and say i have done everything I can to make it work....i do appreciate the feedback though


aaah, you are already at this stage...Sorry to hear.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

It is not that the OP is simply throwing in the towel. It is that his W shows no signs of wanting to cooperate.

He communicates unhappiness with the lack of sex and she says "I don't need it to be happy." Then he says he is fed up and heading out, and her response is basically "you're supposed to put up with it.

This guy, in seeing the writing on the wall, is much smarter than I was by getting out now.



itsontherocks said:


> I've been in your situation, and we all have our reasons on why to leave. Marriage is a partnership and everything should be tried prior to even considering divorce. You've not tried everything. If it is her meds, then it's actually not her fault. The meds change the chemistry in our brains. Most often limits the sexual desire chemicals. Have you tried therapy? Have you tried going with her to her doc and discussing different options? Have you tried a sex therapist? If any of the answers to these questions are no, then you've not tried everything. I can only use my failed marriage as an example. You sir, have not tried everything. It is fine to get up and walk away. Many people do. It's what most people do when they do not want to work at a marriage. Not faulting you for it at all. The heart wants what it wants. Your's places sex over everything else, and that is fine. We all have to go our own way. If you truly loved her and wanted to work at the marriage, then you would try some of these things I've mentioned. I did, sadly, my ex-wife didn't want to try. Thus, after many months (well over a year), I filed for divorce to end the pain.
> 
> Proceed carefully my friend. Karma has a weird way of coming back and hitting you between the eyes when you least expect it.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

In my marriage, I am the one that had the diagnosis of depression/anxiety that has now moved to a diagnosis of bipolar type 2.

Your wife is dead wrong about the intimacy issue. Yes, the meds we are put on our libido killers, they dang near destroy any desires we have. Bit if you are actively wanting to work on your marriage, you will go out of your way to work on figuring out ways to fulfill the intimacy your partner needs, and with that, work with your doctors to find the right combination of medications to fit what you are wanting out of life.

I myself have worked with my doctors and changed my meds twice now to find a combination that works for me and my family. Having a diagnosis of bipolar means you have to constantly adjust medications as your brain chemistry changes. Your wife is using it as an excuse.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> You didn't know about her mental health issues before marriage? Did you get married in a rush without getting to know her first?


I also find it pretty odd that you never had a clue about her anxiety or depression until after you married her. 

I'm always suspicious of people with bipolar disorder who purposely DON'T tell the person they're with about it, until they've gotten a commitment and THEN the **** hits the fan. I've known *two *guys who got tricked into these situations completely unknowingly because the women were the 'model' girlfriends until these guys married them. 

One of these poor guys simply came home one day and she was acting completely crazy and he had to call a family member to ask what to do. They told him she does this *once a year* - she's bipolar and goes off her meds, goes off her rocker, and has to be committed to the psyche ward in the hospital for a few days. He was floored that this was a yearly occurrence and NO ONE had told him (because they were all tired of dealing with it year after year after year and were probably grateful that it would become HIS problem). He was basically trapped at that point.

I don't believe your wife was only 'recently' diagnosed with bipolar. I think she always knew and probably hid it from you.


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## bryanj72 (May 9, 2017)

MrsHolland no she hid it well and we were together for about a year after my first wife passed away...Hindsight being 20/20 one year, while i thought was adequate, was not. I do appreciate the insight though and it is a good piece of advice


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