# Meltdowns, being "friends" and realizing that it's all (another) lie.



## Zabu (24 d ago)

I've been trying to avoid seeing the STBXH and have succeeded for over a week. I've been trying to figure out how much I want to see him and IF I want him in my life. My therapist says that only I can decide this and I can change my mind from one moment to the next, as it suits me.
He has been stressing that he wants to be friends. I realize that this makes him look like the "good guy" and lets him off the hook, but again, my therapist tells me I have to concern myself with what the relationship offers ME, not what it offers him. He really is the only actual in person friend that I have in this town.(Even though I know he's not much of a friend after what he's done...)
Early on, when I first moved into my condo I was very upset about being alone and frightened and he said, "You can always call me. I'll always be there." (You can see where this is going...)
Last night I had a meltdown of epic proportions and there was NO ONE else for me to call, so I texted him and told him how sad and scared I was, to which he replied..."You should really call someone." to which I replied "I did. I called YOU." 
He offered to get together in the morning before work. I didn't bother to reply. It was running club night, which the OW attends, but it was over and he could have skipped the pub get together afterwards, if he had wanted to. They do it three days a week. But, that was obviously more important than a "friend" in pain.
Today, he sent me a link to an article on how to help yourself out of catastrophic thinking. (To which I thought..."F^&* you.")
So...another lie...that he would "be there", that he wanted to stay friends, etc. I actually believed him.
How do I stop getting my ass kicked here? I can't seem to stop contacting him. It's like a sickness. 
I've heard it said: When people show you who they are, believe them. 
This is a perfect example.
How do I make it stick?

Zabu


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Zabu,
I've been in a similar situation; I moved to the US bc of my XH and also knew no-one else from here after DD. He also wanted to remain friends, possibly for the same reason. However, once you're out of sight, you're out of mind, and especially as you're divorcing... no longer his concern. 

I know that sounds cold, but that's reality and you have to accept it, and stop trying to hold onto him for ANY reason. Why did you think it would be any different? He made and broke major promises to you.

It's great you're in therapy; that's a huge part of what helped me to get my **** together in the aftermath. The meltdowns will keep happening but hopefully become less with time if you come to terms with your new situation and start adapting to it.

What helped me was:
Accepting we were done, and focusing on his negative traits and asking why I'd want that in my life to help let go
Moving clear across town to another super new environment for a fresh start away from any memories
Assessing my needs and going back to school to work on securing a better future
Think about what you want from life, and figure out how you're going to get it, then get busy
Putting myself back out there and checking to reaffirm my attractiveness. 

That last point is controversial for lots of folks here, but my ex had me convinced no man our age would want me and I stupidly believed it for a time. It turns out, that's not an issue. 

Over time, my self-confidence has been reaffirmed after steadily overcoming obstacles in my path. You will recover that too, but you need to dump the dead weight and address your fear of the unknown and start moving forward with your life. 

If you stay passive and moan about the **** he dropped on you, you won't be able to shovel it aside and move on with your life. He's not worth suffering over a minute more! You're in the driver's seat now, take control and just do it.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You can't expect anything now, while the wound is raw....Give it some time and handle in any way that suits you.....

This may not be what a lot of people think, but if you can take the fact that he wanted to be with someone else aside, and was otherwise a good man, good father to your kids, and was generally good to you in other areas, then you really don't need to hate him forever....I mean, if it works for you, and helps you get by, do it, create a voodoo doll of him and kick it around every night...Make posters of his mug and take it with you to the shooting range...whatever it takes...

Most of the divorced couples I know that went through the same process you did, eventually came to a place of peace and understanding.,...And they get along....They may not be buddy/buddy, but the acrimony is gone...Sometimes what you thought was this magical relationship had some problems brewing and you may just not have understood it at the time...It sucks to be passed over for someone else, I dont care who you are or what the circumstances....

Bear also in mind that its been my experience that men don't leave women, just for another woman or to get sex....They may screw around and hide it(not that its right), but they don't leave...If they leave, then more than likely it was an issue that could *never* be resolved and he thought about it a thousand times before pulling the plug...I can tell you that I know more women that have remorse for leaving than men...Understand, this is only one mans experience, but I do know a lot of divorced couples at this point....

Seems unimaginable at this time, but perhaps 2/3 years from now, you find another guy that you get along better with than your STBX and you are even happier than you were before this breakup...Ive seen it numerous times..Its not even rare..

.I attended a wedding recently for the kid of a couple I have known for 30 + years..At the time he left her all she did was whine about how great a wife she was and how perfect their lives were, blah..Believe me, she was in worse shape than you are apparently...I know this guy well,,,,He is a solid guy and took great care of his family...Bottom line is the romance/sex was gone(for a long time) so while his kids were grown, he moved on...She thought that was the most horrible thing and he was a monster, but the reality is the guy just didn't want to live the rest of his life that way...I don't blame him...

I don't say you have the same situation, I don't know that obviously...If you can look at it honestly and say the guy was a horrible man in every aspect, than eff him and tell him to pound sand..I disagree with a lot of posters that this is about the guy just trying to relieve guilt....I think he's probably just trying to be as nice as he can be under the conditions, because he is aware that this was going to hurt you......Would it make you feel better if he blocked you and told you to eff off? I duno....Just be patient with this and take care of yourself...Harboring a lot of anger isn't going to help you move forward, as @TXTrini said...it will work against you...Good luck...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I hope that you can get to a place soon, where you don't feel as consumed by him as you do now. It's still very new, this painful feeling, but if you stay true to yourself (however that looks for you), you'll come out of this, and be happier. 💜


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Zabu said:


> I've been trying to avoid seeing the STBXH and have succeeded for over a week. I've been trying to figure out how much I want to see him and IF I want him in my life. My therapist says that only I can decide this and I can change my mind from one moment to the next, as it suits me.
> He has been stressing that he wants to be friends. I realize that this makes him look like the "good guy" and lets him off the hook, but again, my therapist tells me I have to concern myself with what the relationship offers ME, not what it offers him. He really is the only actual in person friend that I have in this town.(Even though I know he's not much of a friend after what he's done...)
> Early on, when I first moved into my condo I was very upset about being alone and frightened and he said, "You can always call me. I'll always be there." (You can see where this is going...)
> Last night I had a meltdown of epic proportions and there was NO ONE else for me to call, so I texted him and told him how sad and scared I was, to which he replied..."You should really call someone." to which I replied "I did. I called YOU."
> ...


You need to stop being dependent on him for this and get out and make new friends. Also, of course, there are so many ways online to have someone to vent to. He's not your friend. He used to be your friend, I guess, but now the waters are muddied. You have to move on and find your own way. I'm super glad you have what sounds like a good counselor! 

When choosing where you are going to live, consider a place where you can have a dog and a dog door so the dog isn't much trouble. Dogs are the best company when you just need a friend. So comforting and good protection.


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## Zabu (24 d ago)

Thanks, everyone. I guess I was depending on him because he TOLD me to call him if I needed him. This is the first time I've done this since we split up (Nov), so I think I had been doing pretty well. 
My daughter says he is allowed to "change his boundaries" but, how am I to know his boundaries have changed, if he doesn't let me know? I told him up front when I decided I needed to not see him for a bit. If people can just change his boundaries whenever, that makes them a moving target and no one would ever know where they stood.
I won't make the mistake again of believing him when he tells me something. I've been lied to so many times in the last 2 months, I should have known better. 
I have been getting out and meeting people...I have joined a local social club that plans outings. It is not a singles club, but just something for mature people to do together. So far I've been to a brunch and a drum circle. I'm going to the racetrack on Monday and to a dance (Of all things) on Saturday, next. I feel a little self-conscious about it, but my daughter tells me it's a club just like any other.
So...I will try my best to go no contact at all. 
Any suggestions on what to do when life/loneliness/missing him gets overwhelming appreciated.
Zabu


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Zabu said:


> Thanks, everyone. I guess I was depending on him because he TOLD me to call him if I needed him. This is the first time I've done this since we split up (Nov), so I think I had been doing pretty well.
> My daughter says he is allowed to "change his boundaries" but, how am I to know his boundaries have changed, if he doesn't let me know? I told him up front when I decided I needed to not see him for a bit. If people can just change his boundaries whenever, that makes them a moving target and no one would ever know where they stood.
> I won't make the mistake again of believing him when he tells me something. I've been lied to so many times in the last 2 months, I should have known better.
> I have been getting out and meeting people...I have joined a local social club that plans outings. It is not a singles club, but just something for mature people to do together. So far I've been to a brunch and a drum circle. I'm going to the racetrack on Monday and to a dance (Of all things) on Saturday, next. I feel a little self-conscious about it, but my daughter tells me it's a club just like any other.
> ...


They all TELL you to call them. I guess I'm too damned prideful and stubborn to give anyone who wrong me any kind of satisfaction. I rather catch my ass or beg a stranger for help first! 

A life lesson here is, believe actions, not words. Talk is cheap, like hot air let out from buttocks. 

It will get easier with time, you'll be ok. You've already come this far and are making good strides.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Zabu said:


> Thanks, everyone. I guess I was depending on him because he TOLD me to call him if I needed him. This is the first time I've done this since we split up (Nov), so I think I had been doing pretty well.
> My daughter says he is allowed to "change his boundaries" but, how am I to know his boundaries have changed, if he doesn't let me know? I told him up front when I decided I needed to not see him for a bit. If people can just change his boundaries whenever, that makes them a moving target and no one would ever know where they stood.
> I won't make the mistake again of believing him when he tells me something. I've been lied to so many times in the last 2 months, I should have known better.
> I have been getting out and meeting people...I have joined a local social club that plans outings. It is not a singles club, but just something for mature people to do together. So far I've been to a brunch and a drum circle. I'm going to the racetrack on Monday and to a dance (Of all things) on Saturday, next. I feel a little self-conscious about it, but my daughter tells me it's a club just like any other.
> ...


But you know you need to stop relying on him. And now he has showed you didn't really mean what he said.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Zabu said:


> Thanks, everyone. I guess I was depending on him because he TOLD me to call him if I needed him. This is the first time I've done this since we split up (Nov), so I think I had been doing pretty well.
> My daughter says he is allowed to "change his boundaries" but, how am I to know his boundaries have changed, if he doesn't let me know? I told him up front when I decided I needed to not see him for a bit. If people can just change his boundaries whenever, that makes them a moving target and no one would ever know where they stood.
> I won't make the mistake again of believing him when he tells me something. I've been lied to so many times in the last 2 months, I should have known better.
> I have been getting out and meeting people...I have joined a local social club that plans outings. It is not a singles club, but just something for mature people to do together. So far I've been to a brunch and a drum circle. I'm going to the racetrack on Monday and to a dance (Of all things) on Saturday, next. I feel a little self-conscious about it, but my daughter tells me it's a club just like any other.
> ...


Maybe just let yourself grieve, and cry and miss him for now. It’s okay to miss him. And even to still love him. You may always love him, because you’ve been with him for so long but he sounds like he has changed. You have to create a new normal for yourself and find joy and happiness in new ways that aren’t involving him. And you will.

As far as his boundaries - He can move them, but that doesn’t mean you need to move yours. Honestly, he needs to be respectful of your boundaries.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he told you that and maybe he even meant it at the time. But now he doesn’t and so you know not to do that. You are on the right path to creating a new life. It will take awhile but you’ll get there in time. As to what you do in the meantime at night when you’re all alone at home — focus on something you enjoy. Read. Binge on Netflix. Find a hobby that you can do at home. Track down old friends and catch up through email. Get interested in genealogy. On and on and on. He’s busy with his new life. You get busy with your new life too. And don’t look back. It doesn’t benefit you.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

OP: Zabu

Well DUH? Boundaries? wtf are the worth if they are movable ?

?? OK? You can cheat on Tuesday but no other day. WTF????

just NO!

Did I miss something in this thread?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Zabu Try thinking of it like this.

YOU are now the “other woman”. He has a woman and anytime you might want to talk to him you’re intterupting “their” time. If he calls you, his new lady will give him hell. He won’t call you.

He is the enemy, not your friend. He has purposefully and intentionally hurt you and continues to do that at every turn.

Don’t think of him as a friend. If you connect with him, it will hurt once again.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s a horrible thing. But you can do it. And you’re connecting here with many friends and supportive voices. Great advice in this thread (especially mine 😁 )

I hope the best for you!


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You also have to consider this.....

What can he really say to you at this point, if you are looking for emotional support? Even if intentions were all good, it would be incredibly uncomfortable for him to talk to you-or try to give you emotional support......My guess is he told you that so he didn't want to blow you off, but the reality is its not the right time...Maybe some time down the road, but not now...Just avoid it if you can...

Even under the most ideal conditions(standard divorce/breakup-no exit affair), where one person may have been surprised or blindsided by it, that person is going to be hurt...and the person wanting out will be the same "bad guy" here...its really no different, not in my experience anyway...

I think what @DownByTheRiver said is correct, try not to feel dependent on him...its not going to be easy if you have been dependent on him, but you gotta start somewhere....I don't think its all that helpful either to be angry and bitter, even though it feels natural...That always seems to slow people's recovery from this stuff...You have to get to the point of acceptance, or you will stay in a state of victimization and sorrow...Its un healthy...


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