# My H didn't tell me he started therapy ...



## Frightened (Nov 11, 2009)

My husband of 27 years has been having an affair for about a year now. Things have not been good between us for at least the last 7 years and now that our youngest daughter went off to college in September, we barely interact. My husband is very close to our children and I am aware that he has stayed with me only because he is afraid of hurting them. And I've turned the other way to the affair because I'm comfortable with my life (I know it sounds brutal, but it's the way I feel) and because I'm not interested in shaking up my kids' lives. I don't want a divorce and I am perfectly happy existing as roommates. I have an extremely comfortable and privileged life and I'll be honest, I'm very afraid of losing that.

Yesterday I discovered (by reading his emails - he did not offer the information) that my husband started seeing a therapist 6 weeks ago and has had weekly sessions since. In the email to his best friend, he alluded to seeing the therapist to help him make a decision about his life and to deal with guilt he feels towards our children. He also mentioned that the other woman knows he is seeing a therapist and has known since the beginning and is supportive. This has really rattled me. I feel betrayed that the other woman knows and that he did not tell me. 

I know some won't understand that I do not feel betrayed by the affair, but I can't help what I feel. I'm hoping some of you can offer me some input/advice. The fact that he shared with this other woman and did not tell me has made me realize that he may leave me. I don't know what to do or think. Am I wrong? Could he be seeing the therapist to help him end the affair and work on our marriage?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

The fact is you have no way of knowing right now why he is seeing a therapist. It does sound strange he would tell the other woman he is seeing one and not you.
It "does" sound like the reason he is seeing thre therapist is to leave you based on the info you suppiled but I'm sure there is much more to it. Perhaps he is seeing the therapist for some other reason and did not tell his friend the real reason, that could be it too... maybe some type of performance related sexual problems with his other woman.

as far as this:


Frightened said:


> My husband of 27 years has been having an affair for about a year now. Things have not been good between us for at least the last 7 years and now that our youngest daughter went off to college in September, we barely interact. My husband is very close to our children and I am aware that he has stayed with me only because he is afraid of hurting them. And I've turned the other way to the affair because I'm comfortable with my life


your far from the first woman to make that choice.
I dont see it as brutal at all, your just a realist. Hopefully you have backup plans in order too... as you must have considered the possibility he may leave you, since he is dating someone else.

My guess is he has some sexual problems ( with his other woman), as most men hardly seek therapy out to end a marriage. More so since your kids are grown.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Frightened,
Is it too late for you to try to really reconnect with him and make the marriage work? 

By the way - you would likely have to overlap with his mistress because if I were him and you had ignored me sexually for a long time and then tried to pressure me to end an affair I was having I would leave you. 

But if you can really get it back - would you want to? Or are you just not that into him? And if you aren't that is ok. I don't think you are being unfair here. You want security, and you are not trying to deny him his physical needs. So the current status quo could simply remain. 

BUT - If she really has it going on - eventually she will give him an ultimatum. So if you just sit tight - you may lose him in the next year or so. 

Why did your marriage fizzle out 7 years ago? Was that mostly him or mostly you? Be honest about that because it is very relevant to the current situation. 






Frightened said:


> My husband of 27 years has been having an affair for about a year now. Things have not been good between us for at least the last 7 years and now that our youngest daughter went off to college in September, we barely interact. My husband is very close to our children and I am aware that he has stayed with me only because he is afraid of hurting them. And I've turned the other way to the affair because I'm comfortable with my life (I know it sounds brutal, but it's the way I feel) and because I'm not interested in shaking up my kids' lives. I don't want a divorce and I am perfectly happy existing as roommates. I have an extremely comfortable and privileged life and I'll be honest, I'm very afraid of losing that.
> 
> Yesterday I discovered (by reading his emails - he did not offer the information) that my husband started seeing a therapist 6 weeks ago and has had weekly sessions since. In the email to his best friend, he alluded to seeing the therapist to help him make a decision about his life and to deal with guilt he feels towards our children. He also mentioned that the other woman knows he is seeing a therapist and has known since the beginning and is supportive. This has really rattled me. I feel betrayed that the other woman knows and that he did not tell me.
> 
> I know some won't understand that I do not feel betrayed by the affair, but I can't help what I feel. I'm hoping some of you can offer me some input/advice. The fact that he shared with this other woman and did not tell me has made me realize that he may leave me. I don't know what to do or think. Am I wrong? Could he be seeing the therapist to help him end the affair and work on our marriage?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Frightened said:


> I have an extremely comfortable and privileged life and I'll be honest, I'm very afraid of losing that.


Im not surprised that the affair doesnt bother you. You are obviously not in love with him anymore. you're afraid of losing your comfort zone. it makes sense that the emotional intimacy with the other women would bother you since that means it may be more then what you thought. 

if he's trying to deal with the guilt and he's told the other women he's going to counseling, and not you, im sorry to say it sounds like he's planning on moving on.


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## Frightened (Nov 11, 2009)

Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate the thoughtfullness of both.

To answer a few questions:

1. Things got rough 7 years ago because I was battling depression and turned to alcohol. I still struggle with alcohol and have relapsed a couple of times in the last year. He's always been there to prop me up, but my last relapse was in August and he was different that time. It was mechanical, forced even. I believe that he still cares for me, but the eagerness to help was gone. 
2. I have to be honest and say that I'm really not that into him anymore. There is no physical attraction. It's really just a convenient situation. But I still feel betrayed that he told this other woman and not me about the therapy. 
3. I don't think the therapy has anything to do with sexual problems. Since he started the affair he has been a different man - happy, relaxed, excited about life. I noticed right away the change in him. Our children and our friends have commented on how happy he suddenly seems and I have no doubt it has to do with this other woman. 
4. It is too late for us to reconnect the a couple should be. I have no interest in that connection. I have no interest in having that connection with anyone. We put up a front around the family and our friends, but at home there is no emotion - apart from the odd fight, even the tension is even gone and we now live in a state of apathy.
5. Thanks for your honesty MEM about the physical aspect. I'm embarrassed to admit that I can't even remember the last time that we were physical. 

I'm now trying to determine whether I should confront him or just wait this out and see what happens. Any thoughts? The more I think about it, the more firm my belief is that he is planning to leave me.


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## Frightened (Nov 11, 2009)

Thanks for you post as well Blanca - I must have been typing my reply while you posted. I really do appreciate the honesty. 

It's funny how much I've learned about myself in the last couple of days -- had this happened to me 10 or even 5 years ago, I would have flown into a rage and had a breakdown. I guess my counseling while dealing with my addiction has allowed me to grow. I'm surprised at how calm I'm being about all this. I guess I saw it coming.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Frightened said:


> I don't want a divorce and I am perfectly happy existing as roommates. I have an extremely comfortable and privileged life and I'll be honest, I'm very afraid of losing that.


Translation: "I don't want to have sex with him ever, I just want all the stuff I can buy with his money".

This would be a serious issue from the male point of view.




Frightened said:


> Could he be seeing the therapist to help him end the affair and work on our marriage?


No. He's seeing the therapist to get to the point where he feels comfortable to leave you for the other woman.


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## MrsJay (Nov 10, 2009)

Fright, I can understand why you're hurt...it seems like you are ok with the affair because it was only sex to him. Now, that he's seeing professional help and letting the other women know and not you, says that he has feelings for this women(maybe, even loves her). I know this hurts. But, what you really need to do is focus on yourself. Start doing things that make you feel happy. I would start with sometype of makeover. Get a new outfit or hairstyle, something that will make you feel good about you!

Don't let ANYONE see you down!...one thing you should never do is let yourself go for NOBODY! 

If he ends up leaving you, get proof that he cheated and go for everything he has. Make him pay..hurt him were it counts...(is wallet! 

Fright, pull yourself together and remember two things-

1-You're never alone in this world
2- There's someone for everyone

I hope this helps you feel better..good luck


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Frightened-

Your honesty is breathtaking. Thank you.
So you neglected him, and after 6 years of trying to get through to you, he finally had the guts to find a little happiness for himself.

If you had paid more attention to him, he would have taken your mind of YOURSELF. This is a large factor in depression. It's the turning of the attention inwards to a fictitious person that does not really exist: ourself!

Sure there is a me and a you, but you can never quite put your finger on YOU, can you?

It's probably not too late. If you could re-discover sex and intimacy, you might just tempt him to stay. But he is clearly tiered of paying to be your room-mate.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

But, what you really need to do is focus on yourself. Start doing things that make you feel happy. I would start with sometype of makeover. Get a new outfit or hairstyle, something that will make you feel good about you!

Don't let ANYONE see you down!...one thing you should never do is let yourself go for NOBODY! 

If he ends up leaving you, get proof that he cheated and go for everything he has. Make him pay..hurt him were it counts...(is wallet! 

Fright, pull yourself together and remember two things-

1-You're never alone in this world
2- There's someone for everyone

I hope this helps you feel better..good luck[/QUOTE]

God, where to begin on this one. A new hair style...really? Who on this big friggin blue planet thinks that's a good opening move? Class, anyone? Do you know what will make you feel good about you? Here is a thought, how about beginning by apologizing to your husband for not loving him and affirming him over the years. He's an @ss for cheating on you, I agree, but you pretty much abdicated your throne Queeny with your drinking and your physical neglect of your husband. You yourself mentioned the positive change in his demeanor, that's what love will do for a man, but to have to sink to the level of adultery to get it...that's just sad all around for all parties. No winners here. You chose a bottle. He chose a b+tch. In my opinion, it's a push here. Addiction in my humble opinion is just another form of infidelity, albeit a destructive one. 

"Hurt him where it counts", WTF woman. I have a little bit of money myself. You don't hurt me by going after my wallet, you hurt me by going after my heart. I can make more money, and so can your husband. What you have stolen from him that he can't replace is his life. So go buy your new friggin handbag and wonder why you still feel so empty inside, or better still clean yourself up. When you're stable and sober go to your husband and apologize for wronging him, and help him get right with you. Love him like the good wife you once were, and help him dump the mistress so he can finish this life strong in the eyes of your children and his God. I can tell you why he's likely in therapy, and it's not for E.D.. He's in therapy because he feels like a failure. You see after a certain point money ceases to be a comfort. Once your basic needs are met "having a lot" doesn't really make you feel a lot better, but you knew this already...you've lived it. 

What does make you feel better if you're a man is respect, and because of his affair he can no longer respect himself. He is at war with himself. Granted he started the war himself, but you did help instigate it through addiction and neglect. If you ever loved this man help him find peace. Love him and help restore him. In the process heal yourself. LIL


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't find it surprising that he didn't tell her. She's another person to support and not a lot more to him. An affair that has gone on for so long and a wife who clearly doesn't care about it made it so crystal to him that he knew exactly where he stood. Now the OW is probably saying he needs to sh*t or get off the pot. And who could blame her.

I DO think it is too late. I can't see a man who would want to return to a wife that so thoroughly neglected him and proved she didn't care about him time and again after so long with someone else who stood beside him when she should have in all honesty, told him to jump in the lake. She is obviously not after his money like the original poster is. She probably actually loves him.

My advice is to get to a lawyer and find out your rights and to plan to be divorced. It only takes a single vote and he's going to cast it in time. So be prepared.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

If you want to be truly loving, you may just get it all out in the open and tell him, "Listen, i know about the affair, I know I've neglected you, and my addiction has taken a lot from you. What can we do to resolve this one way or the other." 

You've been married a long time and it's not like you'll end up with nothing. I think it's time to be honest with him and each other, for probably the first time in a LONG time. 

End this thing with dignity, it sounds like you've been using him for years, and it's time to let the marriage die an honorable death.


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## Frightened (Nov 11, 2009)

Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts.

I confronted my husband's best friend and have now learned more information about the other woman. She lives about a 3 hour car ride away and they have seen each other at least every other week since last December. They talk multiple times a day (by phone and by email) every day and even took a trip together in August - he told me he was going to a "conference". I remember when he returned from that conference he was on cloud nine. I am really torn because on the one hand I realize how difficult I've made things for him over the years and I am genuinely happy that he is this happy (I hate to admit it, but she sounds like a really amazing person and part of me wishes that I could say that she's just after him for the money, but she herself is independently wealthy and very career oriented like he is), BUT then I discovered that she is 18 years younger than he is!! Now I feel like this is just a slap in the face to me. I found a photo of her online and she is gorgeous and looks about 25 (she's 35). I am paranoid about what everyone will think of me! He is going to leave me for this child! Now I am starting to get bitter and angry and resentful. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow but I just need to figure out how to get through today. I don't want a big blow up with him, I am trying to handle this calmly and rationally but I cannot believe he is going to leave me for someone so much younger!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Respectfully Frightened, you've written that you are upset about "what everyone will think of me" which is a bit self-centered. If you are hurt by the affair as a betrayal of your marriage, that's one thing, if it hurts because of how it hurts your standing with your social group, that's a different matter.

When the divorce talk comes, you can either battle for every penny, which is a long and ugly process; or, get in front of this now, tell him what you know, open the conversation and begin negotiating an end. I suspect the guilt will cause him to give you a better deal than if you battle thru lawyers and his guilt turns to justification/anger.


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## Frightened (Nov 11, 2009)

You're right - I shouldn't care what everyone thinks, but it feels like a kick in the gut. And what will our kids think? Our oldest is 24 and I swear to you looks like she could be friends with the other woman! 

I keep hoping it's just about the sex. Especially now that I've seen what she looks like. Maybe it is just about the sex?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Frightened said:


> but I cannot believe he is going to leave me for someone so much younger!


Why can't you believe it?

You were offering him nothing except disinterest, and she is offering him.... fun. 

This is classic male mid life crisis stuff. His lack of validation at home caused him to end up in the arms of a younger woman. If he leaves you, he will probably split with her soon after, and find an older woman, nearer to your age.

If you were to change the items on the menu, he might just reconsider. You need to use less stick and more carrot.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Frightened said:


> I keep hoping it's just about the sex. Especially now that I've seen what she looks like. Maybe it is just about the sex?


And...

Do you not have any sex of your own to compete with?


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## Frightened (Nov 11, 2009)

If it is a mid-life crisis type of thing, won't the therapy help him get through that without having to leave me for this woman?

At first I thought mid-life crisis too, but the more his friend told me, the less I think it is that. I wish it were just a mid-life crisis thing - I'd tell him to buy a new sports car! But it sounds like they are really in love with eachother. She doesn't sound like a typical "younger woman". She is extremely intelligent and successful and independent. The friend knew here before they got together and spoke very highly of her. 

I'm just a mix of emotions right now and don't know what to think or do.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

This isn't a mid-life crisis. He's finally gotten the guts to find happiness.

Please see a lawyer and get ready for the extreme possibility of divorce.

You can concurrently attempt to change the items on the menu, but since you are not attracted to him, I really don't think he's going to fall for it. 

She's not pretending to be interested in him. She is actually interested in him. And apparently, she has a lot to offer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Frightened,

This has nothing to do with mid life. He does not want to live without love in his life. You talk about the "sex" - the thing is it sounds to me like he might really love her. 

You don't love him. You have been very honest about that. And it is ok that you don't. It does not reflect badly on you, it is just a fact. What do you think about trying to find a man that you could love? I think you should give that a shot. 

As for being angry. If I were him and you came at me like a freight train, I would come right back the same way. I would hammer you for abandoning the marriage in every sense but financial many years ago. And I would also hammer you for not even bothering to make the effort to have sex with me out of simple respect for the marriage. 

If you come on strong, he will likely come on stronger. 

If you approach it differently, tell him you understand what happened, and simply hope that he will be fair to you in consideration of the fact that you have shared a big chunk of your lives together and that you gave him children. 

And then hope that in the euphoria of new love, he makes the effort and is generous with you. DO NOT attack him for dating someone so much younger. Use his happiness in that relationship to get what you want. Be happy for him - and get a good settlement and move on. 



Frightened said:


> If it is a mid-life crisis type of thing, won't the therapy help him get through that without having to leave me for this woman?
> 
> At first I thought mid-life crisis too, but the more his friend told me, the less I think it is that. I wish it were just a mid-life crisis thing - I'd tell him to buy a new sports car! But it sounds like they are really in love with eachother. She doesn't sound like a typical "younger woman". She is extremely intelligent and successful and independent. The friend knew here before they got together and spoke very highly of her.
> 
> I'm just a mix of emotions right now and don't know what to think or do.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Translation: "I don't want to have sex with him ever, I just want all the stuff I can buy with his money".
> 
> This would be a serious issue from the male point of view.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Frightened said:


> You're right - I shouldn't care what everyone thinks, but it feels like a kick in the gut. And what will our kids think? Our oldest is 24 and I swear to you looks like she could be friends with the other woman!
> 
> I keep hoping it's just about the sex. Especially now that I've seen what she looks like. Maybe it is just about the sex?


By your own account you're a drunk that has ignored him for the last seven years, doesn't want to sleep with him, doesn't care about him and only wants the money. Why on earth would you think someone would want to stay married to that?

He isn't betraying you. This is just the natural consecquences of the last seven years at work.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MrsJay said:


> Fright, I can understand why you're hurt...it seems like you are ok with the affair because it was only sex to him. Now, that he's seeing professional help and letting the other women know and not you, says that he has feelings for this women(maybe, even loves her). I know this hurts. But, what you really need to do is focus on yourself. Start doing things that make you feel happy. I would start with sometype of makeover. Get a new outfit or hairstyle, something that will make you feel good about you!
> 
> Don't let ANYONE see you down!...one thing you should never do is let yourself go for NOBODY!
> 
> ...


Because a makeover is like Kryptonite to men...

"Dude I was like totally going to leave her, then I saw she had some like new highlights in her hair and I just couldn't do it."


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I think you guys have all misunderstood what I meant by mid-life crisis. I am referring to the fact that he has found a much younger woman. Basically, the guy was on his last legs emotionally with getting no sex, love or intimacy for many years. Believe me that IS a crisis. To put up with it for so long, he was either a saint, or someone with low self esteem.

Frightened-
All that you write is framed in terms of how you feel. If you stopped to conceder how he felt you would realise that while you were busy being depressed, he was gradually sliding into a hell of his own. You bet it's a crisis. And that's good news for you, becuase forest fires can be put out with the right equipment. You could still save this... but do you want to?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think it is important to realize that her age in this case, is just a number. She's apparently got a lot going for her and isn't just a trophy. She's driven, intelligent, economically sound... she is an all-around adult. She didn't just provide the interest that he was so lacking. She sounds like the epitome of a good life-partner.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Your husband is full of crap and so are you.

How can you be satisfied with just having a roommate?

You were in love once?

You can be again?

Him or someone else?

Honesty, really is the best policy no matter how much it hurts.

Whether you believe in God or heaven or some other religion or no religion. The base truth, you only get one chance here, right now as you are. No matter what comes after.

Live it like you know that. No second chances.

If you are satisfied living a lie, hidden truths like Uncle Harry is really a woman and no one in the family talks about it, then go ahead.

Information, will eat away at you a little bit at at time. Eventually, you will swallow the whole elephant. 

Go postal or worse hurt your kids in some way.

Better to cut the arm clean than to nibble at the fingers.

Recovery for everyone involved will be better than ever living in a known, unspoken truth.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She's not full of it, OOC. There are people who are happy without the opposite sex. Plenty of 'em. They stay married for the perks only.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My husbands ex was upset when he met me and she thought I was much younger than I am. I think it made her angry as she came over to my husbands apartment pitching a fit, screaming and acting like she was psycho. The fact is, I'm older than she is...... only I don't look it.
If I were you I'd not say anything to him, but get your carsds in order for the divorce so when he tells you he wants one, your not 
at all ready.
Best wishes


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> If you want to be truly loving, you may just get it all out in the open and tell him, "Listen, i know about the affair, I know I've neglected you, and my addiction has taken a lot from you. What can we do to resolve this one way or the other."
> 
> You've been married a long time and it's not like you'll end up with nothing. I think it's time to be honest with him and each other, for probably the first time in a LONG time.
> 
> End this thing with dignity, it sounds like you've been using him for years, and it's time to let the marriage die an honorable death.


Wow, extraordinarily well said seeking sanity. We have a BINGO people. I agree with everything in the first two paragraphs, and sadly even the third, but I wouldn't play that card initially. LIL


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Because a makeover is like Kryptonite to men...
> 
> "Dude I was like totally going to leave her, then I saw she had some like new highlights in her hair and I just couldn't do it."


Thanks for making me laugh until my spleen hurt Atholk. I needed that today. LIL


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

lastinline said:


> Thanks for making me laugh until my spleen hurt Atholk. I needed that today. LIL


Welcome


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

To the original poster. I guess because your marriage has been like this for many years and you are even aware of his other woman, you have made plans in the event he leaves as its been 7 years
of a marriage you knew might now last.
It does not sound like you will have any emotional problems with the divorce as so many people do. You lucky in that way and all you have to do is find work, depending on your age and the divorce settlement, maybe you won't have to even do that..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I highly doubt he is seeing a therapist to end the affair and work on the marriage. 

It sounds as though he has spent many years feeling unloved and yet trying to be a good father, provider and supportive husband when it came to your addiction and recovery.

In return, you do not have any feelings for him and prefer to simply co-exist and expect him to pick you up and be there each time you relapse. Sounds exhausting and unfulfilling for him & he must be a pretty decent guy to stick with you all these years.

If all you want from him is financial security, do the right thing and let him go, let him be happy. It takes real work from both husband and wife to have a happy, strong marriage & you just don't seem to be interested in that at this point and he has given up hope that you will change and moved on himself (not that I condone his affair)

Now that your kids are on their own your main focus should be on staying sober and figuring out what will make you feel happy and fulfilled.


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## Frightened (Nov 11, 2009)

Well, he is away on business (in the city where the other woman lives) and was supposed to fly home this morning, but called to say he missed his flight, ran into an old friend and is staying until tomorrow night. I asked him if he was having an affair and he denied it. I left it at that and didn't push it. But I KNOW he is having an affair and his bf even confirmed it! Why would he lie? I had assumed that his bf would give him the heads up. Should I confront him with everything I know tomorrow when he returns?

I'm now a confused mess. Maybe I do want to try to make things work. And him denying the affair makes me think that maybe he wants to save the marriage? Help me figure this out! Why would he deny that he is having an affair?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is one simple reason why your husband is not being straight with you. He loves you so much, he juts doesn't want to upset you. But on the other hand, he is desperate for some human contact. He as poured himself out to you, and you have given nothing back. He is spent and tired, yet still he cares for you. It's just that he no longer wants to do the job himself.



Frightened said:


> Maybe I do want to try to make things work.


This is unbelievable. Your husband is on the verge of leaving you after you jerk him around for 7 years, and you think you _might _want to work on it?

Surely you need to work on yourself first. Decide what you want. Decide to start looking outwards to the world around you, instead of always looking within to the world of illusion that lies inside.

You do know all those bogey men aren't real, don't you?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Frightened said:


> Why would he deny that he is having an affair?


Lies are to cheating, like the jumpshot is to basketball.

Let me call my expert witness...

RikRok: yo man 
Shaggy: yo 
RikRok: open up man 
Shaggy: what do you want man? 
RikRok: my girl just caught me 
Shaggy: you let her catch you? 
RikRok: I don't know how I let this happen 
Shaggy: with who? 
RikRok: the girl next door, you know? 
Shaggy: man... 
RikRok: I don't know what to do 
Shaggy: say it wasn't you 

_...to be a true player you have to know how to play 
if she say you're not, convince her, say you're gay 
never admit to a word when she say 
makes a claim and you tell her baby no way _


The basic rule of cheating is you never admit to anything to anyone, ever. Even if you know that they know, and you know that they know that you know, until you actually come out and say "I'm totally doing her", it allows the cheated on partner a sliver of denial to cling to and often stops them acting on their knowledge of the affair.

He's not ready to drop the bomb and make the break on you yet. But it's coming I think. Him staying over with her is a pretty decisive and in your face move in her direction.


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## ConfusedandGuilty (Oct 30, 2009)

I've been lurking and following this thread because it is very similar to what I've experienced over the course of the last decade (in fact, I thought it could be my wife posting!). I can tell you from first hand experience that he is not admitting to it because he does not want to lose control over how the bomb is dropped with you and with your children. He probably has a plan and a timeline (my bet would be after the New Year because he probably doesn't want to ruin anyone's holidays) and wants to stick to it. I think the tell tale sign was him telling his mistress that he started therapy. If the therapy was about her in a negative way, he would not have shared that with her. by not telling you, however, I think it is pretty obvious that he is getting himself emotionally ready for the major life change of leaving his partner of the last three decades.

I think it is wonderful that most people on this board push for saving the marriage, but in some cases it is just too far gone to be saved and unfortunately I think this is one of those cases. For your own sake, please don't hold onto false hope. Take care of yourself and create a new life for yourself. Both you and your children will be better off.

I wish you both the best of luck and I hope that you prepare yourself for the inevitable. I'd be interested in you keeping us posted.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Frightened,
Up until now I was ok with what you were doing because it was honest. 

I will now be honest with you. Don't even bother to try to compete with a woman who actually loves your husband. Just don't. It will be an exercise in humiliation. He will see it for what it is. You have zero interest in him, just don't want him to be with anyone else as that might effect your cash flow stream. 

Just stop. What you have done was wrong. But a calculated attempt to convince him you love him is evil. If I were him and you did that - I would not only divorce you, I would hammer you financially as hard as I could. 

Be human about this and move on. 

Either that or change you screen name to:

Frightened-Desperate-and-Deceitful






Frightened said:


> Well, he is away on business (in the city where the other woman lives) and was supposed to fly home this morning, but called to say he missed his flight, ran into an old friend and is staying until tomorrow night. I asked him if he was having an affair and he denied it. I left it at that and didn't push it. But I KNOW he is having an affair and his bf even confirmed it! Why would he lie? I had assumed that his bf would give him the heads up. Should I confront him with everything I know tomorrow when he returns?
> 
> I'm now a confused mess. Maybe I do want to try to make things work. And him denying the affair makes me think that maybe he wants to save the marriage? Help me figure this out! Why would he deny that he is having an affair?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Frightened said:


> Why would he deny that he is having an affair?


Could be a number of reasons...

he wants to control the timing. 
he is afraid you may relapse if you hear this while he is away.
he really doesn't want to hurt you.
he is not ready for the talk that would follow if he says 'yes'

I think your initial post was honest...and if you can get him to open up, keep it honest....he has been there for many years...you may be able to go your separate ways amicably if you both can see each other's position.


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