# Question



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Probably a common question. 

My SO and I are about 13 months into reconciling. I still adamantly believe that she didn't tell me everything. At the time of affair, I failed to confirm one phone number so maybe two men involved. I still could call that number as it is ingrained in my mind. Poly isn't going to happen - it would take us backwards in our progress if you know what I mean.

On the other side she is really trying hard, is being transparent, trying to work things out as best she can. We have communicated much better and have worked hard over the past 13 months.

My question is this - for those of you that left after a period of reconciliation- but felt as I do that the full truth was still untold- do the feelings go away that are associated with the ordeal once you leave?

For example, if I leave this relationship can I expect to feel relief from just being away from the whole mess?

I am so conflicted because some days I feel really close to her and she is really trying. But many other days, I get angry that she didn't tell me everything and has skated on the whole deal.

Any thoughts on this are welcome. God Bless


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## aconfusednewlywed (Nov 29, 2012)

I tried leaving after my husband cheated. It tore me apart between the trying to ignore his attempts to win me back and being haunted over the memories of what happened. I've been told distance doesn't heal but time does. I can only hope that's true.


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## huanito (Jun 29, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Probably a common question.
> 
> My SO and I are about 13 months into reconciling. I still adamantly believe that she didn't tell me everything. At the time of affair, I failed to confirm one phone number so maybe two men involved. I still could call that number as it is ingrained in my mind. Poly isn't going to happen - it would take us backwards in our progress if you know what I mean.
> 
> ...


you are living my world. We are still together so I couldnt really tell you if it goes away but IMO it doesnt. One reason for me is we have 2 kids together and I simply can't cut her off and the other is the affair changed my whole thought process / way of thinking because while I was thinking certain things just wont happen to me and it actually DID happen I started expecting the worst on everything. So I think even if you leave this relationship you can't change what happened and that will have an effect on you for the rest of your life. One of the major effects I believe is the ability to trust again and whether its your wife now or any other future relationship getting your complete trust will be very hard but looking on the positive this experience will make you more aware so that you are not easily fooled by anyone especially loved ones who have a much better chance of taking advantage of you because of your trust for them.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I have some concerns reading through your question. My wife and I are a year past dday I was the BS.

What prevents you from openly asking her about the number? Have you asked yourself if you are holding on to something because you are afraid to fully commit to R? You may be holding on to this in order to have an "escape" mechanism.

Why would a poly set you back? If she has fully owned her side of things, she would understand the request, and be ok with complying.

If you bail now, how would the issue go away? It would still be a lingering doubt in your mind, was there another man? Who's number was that? Being with another person, and away from her, would not answer those questions. With time, having an answer would become irrelevant, but it can also become irrelevant now, if you just let it go and commit to R.

Is she doing all she can? Is she trying her best? If the answer is yes, then just ask her about the number, and accept her answer. You have to 6move forward at some point. Might as well be now.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Probably a common question.
> 
> My SO and I are about 13 months into reconciling. *I still adamantly believe that she didn't tell me everything. At the time of affair, I failed to confirm one phone number so maybe two men involved*. I still could call that number as it is ingrained in my mind. *Poly isn't going to happen *- it would take us backwards in our progress *if you know what I mean*.
> 
> ...


13 months in and you sound like a confused mess. She can't be trying really hard in one sentence and then refusing to tell you the truth in another sentence. Those two things are diametrically opposed. 

If she's trying really hard, then she's telling you the whole truth. If she's not telling you the whole truth, then she's not trying really hard. A polygraph cannot set you back if she's telling you the truth. If she's trying really hard, she would be happy to take one to put whatever doubts you have in the past.

Do you see how your claim that "_she is really trying_" conflicts with your claim that "_she is still refusing to tell the truth_"?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If you cannot ask her about a phone number on her phone, then the level of communication between the two of you is no where near where it has to be to overcome betrayal.

Just how much have you talked about everything with her? Are there things you won't talk about? Who decides?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Paladin said:


> What prevents you from openly asking her about the number? Have you asked yourself if you are holding on to something because you are afraid to fully commit to R? You may be holding on to this in order to have an "escape" mechanism.


I need to clarify something. When I caught her last October, there had been a bunch of texts and calls to a different number in September. She told me the name of the person (coworker) and insisted it was a bull****ter friend from work. When I spokeoed and intellius searched the number it didn't come up with who she said it was. I told her this at the time and she just said- "no , that is his number- maybe someone else owns the phone he is using." Obviously there were so many lies at the time who knows, but she insisted that it was her coworker "friends" number.

Then it was in October that she started meeting up with other guy. I was focused on the first number (which she lied about) and she finally came clean, but it was the second guy in October that she had visited etc. When I got the October phone records from her this was verified. Her phone call times etc. matched her story at that point as far as when she was meeting him (weekends phone calls, late night texts etc). The first number was pretty much during work hours and before and after work, but nothing in the evening or on weekends. So at that point I focused on man number 2. She maintains both were just "friends". 

We have talked numerous times about how I feel about this. Right after it happened we talked at length about it, she answered my questions. Then around last January, she started to get really frustrated when I brought it up because of the embarrassment and shame she felt. She wanted it to be behind us. She would threaten to leave and I would say "okay then go". 

Finally, over the summer I told her "look, _*I need to talk about this*_ and while it has been tense she has patiently answered questions etc. She feels as if she is answering same questions over and over again. I still tell her I don't buy the "friend" story, but she is adamant nothing physical happened other than he tried to kiss her. I know it was an EA at least and don't believe it wasn't a PA with either one or both of these guys, or even maybe a completely different person.




Paladin said:


> Is she doing all she can? Is she trying her best? If the answer is yes, then just ask her about the number, and accept her answer. You have to move forward at some point. Might as well be now.


I think she is doing all she is capable of. Sometimes I go into this mode seemingly out of nowhere where all I can think about is how I was lied to, she chose another man over me and that she isn't telling me the truth. I think she is in denial trying to recreate what happened- I know she had feelings for the one guy at least. Just by her nutty behavior at the time of the affair. Things to support my "case" I have asked her about and she says they had "nothing to do" with being with this guy. Things like buying new lacy bra, saying she was spending night at friends house, but then coming back home, telling me she needed oral sex "really bad" the day after she said she was going to spend night at friends house (but came back home later that same night-was with OM at his house she told me during confession). Trying to break up with me on those same weekends. Only a fool would believe he was "just a friend". Losing 17 pounds to "look good" during this time and on and on. I've brought all this up to her in the past and she has a reason for each one saying it had nothing to do with OM. I guess I never got good enough answers on these things. Thanks for the post!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> I still could call that number as it is ingrained in my mind.


Free Cell Number Search | Spy Dialer

if it's a cell phone in the US, this will call his phone and go directly into his voicemail without the phone ringing. If he leaves his name on the VM then you will know who it is


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Bodhi, I would offer you this. There are things about the A's that you will never know and never understand. Clinging to the questions may prove to be a form of attachment that will increase your suffering, whether you are with her or not. However, while I understand that you think that a polygraph would set your progress back, you don't seem to be progressing. I suggest that you calmly discuss w/ her your continued doubts and the pain that you continue to experience. If the poly will free you of the doubts, it may be the only way for you to move forward together.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I can tell you I also searched on some numbers during my wifes affair and one number I searched didn't match who she said it was. When I called the number it was actually a girlfriend, who she said it was. Guess she had the phone in some other guys name for cheaper rates etc.

If you trace my dads phone it goes back to my sister, because he's on her plan. So this can happen.

Call the number or ask her, this is obviously NOT going away and eating at you. That's no way to live!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Free Cell Number Search | Spy Dialer
> 
> if it's a cell phone in the US, this will call his phone and go directly into his voicemail without the phone ringing. If he leaves his name on the VM then you will know who it is


I saw a link to SpyDialer yesterday so I checked it out and typed in the OW's number not knowing it was going to dial her..LOL Once I realized what it was doing I freaked out and tried to abort! Now sure it worked or not but this morning I was telling my BFF about it and she was laughing and said "put my number in and we'll see what it does" While we were talking, after I put her number in her phone beeped there was an incoming call from Reno NV. So it does ring...just thought you should know if you're going to try it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bohdi...you've been on this forum for a while, and I hate to say it, you should definitely know what the "he tried to kiss me" is code for. He didn't TRY to kiss her, man. SHE is putting it off on him to make you feel better about it, basically gaslighting you into believing that SHE had the control and didn't do anything.

I call bullsnot. Sorry, man...I just do. Mostly because of the way I was snowballed about certain things and the script is always the same. You need to tell her to return the "Cheater's Manual" back to the library from whence it came and start talking truthfully. 

I hate to sound like a jerk, but you deserve to be a whole lot further along at this stage of the game.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm in a R now for 3 years but been here long enough to see when a guys is willing to let the WW go after a attempted R, it appears that his mind is so far over it with his chick that her half truths or not getting the whole story stops mattering.

From reading their thread they appear to have ii in their mind that the relationship is over and she is someone elses problem.

Its like the wayward no longer matters to them so not knowing the whole story doesn't matter either. I'm sure it also relates to timing, it may bother them in the begining, but as they let go and distance and time passes it no longer matter if the guy got the whole truth.

Thats kind of what I think from reading simular threads, but alot a guys here are in no way going to R and maybe they have a different point of view.

In may case I believe I got a real good idea what went on, my wife confessed to some realy crazy things. Interesting enough after 3 years, she confessed something she denied back in the day.

We were sitting around the pool and often she will talk about her incounters, and she mentioned it with out even realizing she had denied it back in the day.

Any way I think when you finally let them go you let go of all of it...them, the affair, if you got the whole truth, and even the feelings you once had for them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> I saw a link to SpyDialer yesterday so I checked it out and typed in the OW's number not knowing it was going to dial her..LOL Once I realized what it was doing I freaked out and tried to abort! Now sure it worked or not but this morning I was telling my BFF about it and she was laughing and said "put my number in and we'll see what it does" While we were talking, after I put her number in her phone beeped there was an incoming call from Reno NV. So it does ring...just thought you should know if you're going to try it.



weird because I've done it multiple times and never had that happen


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

Bodhitree - I'm in the same boat, except I'm only a few weeks into R.

I tried *SpyDialer*, and it looks like it may dial the number but go directly to Voicemail. I tried it on my own phone#, and my phone never rang, but I heard voicemail when I saved the audio file. The point is, try it on your own phone first, and then check the #'s you have concerns about.

Good luck!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are in R for 13 months but you dont have the complete truth or you dont know actually what you are forgiving.

Her story is very hard to believe or one should be so naive to believe that they only kissed even after being with OM at his home.
You don't know how many OMs she had, even the nature of A.
This is not going to take you any where. She don't seems to be so much remorseful as you says.

Sit with her and express your feelings and tell her you dont buy her story and ask her to come clean if she want to truly proceed with R.

If she still stick on with her story ask her to prove it with Polygraph. This will give her the best chance to show you what she is telling is truth.

If she backs off then you have your answer.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You kind of answered your own question. If you won't get the poly to get try and see if everything has been told, just gonna have to suck it up and move on.

She's not going to tell if you don't have proof (if there is anything left to tell). Either get the poly to put your mind at ease or let it go or let her go and stop obsessing over it. At this pace, you're going to ruin your R with your wife.

Crappy choices but unless you're willing to go the distance to get your answers, nothing you can do. Well, maybe on day she'll tell you but I wouldn't hold my breath for that day to come.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Sit with her and express your feelings and tell her you dont buy her story and ask her to come clean if she want to truly proceed with R.


I have done this numerous times. Most recently in October. She is adamant about that it was not PA- says she is not going to admit to something that did not happen. Then she says he was just a "friend". Doesn't admit to anything. I will go for days and sometimes weeks where I just accept it and I feel okay. And then with no rhyme nor reason, I'm back obsessing about not getting the whole story. Her story is too unbelievable for me to accept and that grinds the hell our of me.

Again, I think she is in denial and has convinced herself of her own story. I hope you understand, I really don't believe her story, and that is where I struggle. 

Thanks for all the great feedback.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> I have done this numerous times. Most recently in October. She is adamant about that it was not PA- says she is not going to admit to something that did not happen. Then she says he was just a "friend". Doesn't admit to anything. I will go for days and sometimes weeks where I just accept it and I feel okay. And then with no rhyme nor reason, I'm back obsessing about not getting the whole story. Her story is too unbelievable for me to accept and that grinds the hell our of me.
> 
> Again, I think she is in denial and has convinced herself of her own story. I hope you understand, I really don't believe her story, and that is where I struggle.
> 
> Thanks for all the great feedback.


You cant be at peace with it because you know there is more that you dont know. You're probably right. My husband never told me everything, he only told me what I knew to be truth and confronted him with it. The rest he would deny and will probably deny to his death. I have a long crappy story and I promise you that if you dont get to a place of resolve it will haunt you forever.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Bodhitree, today one year ago was my D-day for her PA. I have been triggering. I have not posted in a while and will give an update soon. I have been sleeping on the couch the last two nights. R is going forward but I still want answers and for some reason she refuses and says she wants to forget it. I can't at this point and even though things are a heck of a lot better I just want some answers. I told her that there are studies out there who say that the changes increase dramatically when the WS spouse answers questions. 

Hang in there.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> My SO and I are about 13 months into reconciling. I still adamantly believe that she didn't tell me everything. At the time of affair, I failed to confirm one phone number so maybe two men involved. I still could call that number as it is ingrained in my mind. Poly isn't going to happen - it would take us backwards in our progress if you know what I mean.


No I don't know what you mean.

You say you are troubled and can't heal because you don't have the whole truth about your WW's affair.

Yet you refuse to have your WW take a polygraph so you will have the truth.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You think asking for a poly will demonstrate that you don't trust her, and that will constitute a set back? If that's the case, fact is, you don't trust her, you aren't nearly as far forward as you seem to think you are.


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## didntcitcoming (Oct 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> I'm in a R now for 3 years but been here long enough to see when a guys is willing to let the WW go after a attempted R, it appears that his mind is so far over it with his chick that her half truths or not getting the whole story stops mattering.
> 
> From reading their thread they appear to have ii in their mind that the relationship is over and she is someone elses problem.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree: You nailed it. There was/ is NO reconciliation for me...EVER!!! I don't know how I could ever trust someone like that ever again....the lies...UGH!

There are way too many good, honest women out there to settle for the POS I was married to!

It gets easier every day!! :smthumbup:


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

spy dialer thinks my cell phone is a land line or outside the US.???

as far as it going away, OP...i dunno. you are farther along than me, but i know it hasnt "gone away" for me yet.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Bodhitree, today one year ago was my D-day for her PA. I have been triggering. I have not posted in a while and will give an update soon. I have been sleeping on the couch the last two nights. R is going forward but I still want answers and for some reason she refuses and says she wants to forget it. I can't at this point and even though things are a heck of a lot better I just want some answers. I told her that there are studies out there who say that the changes increase dramatically when the WS spouse answers questions.
> 
> Hang in there.


Thanks. Talked to her last night again. She senses when things are bothering me and they have been for last few days so we talked. Nothing much though. Just told her how that was the first time (last year) I felt as if she wasn't committed and loyal to me and that this was difficult to resolve. 

She once again tried to compare her "friend" with other female friends I had , and I basically did no acknowledge this. I have defended in the past but not last night. I just want her to know (and I think she does) that I'm not agreeing to the "friend" story.

When we talk about it , she often refers to the idea that she had "wrecked my life". I ask what she means, and she says in effect that because she got pregnant (when we were young) that she felt that I was only with her because of that when I could have gone on and had better relationship, better life etc. (I believe her "friend" was feeding this- he's been married 3 times, so he should know. He was just "helping" her.) 

She also referred to problems _she_ had caused me throughout relationship - and that I really didn't love her, but in fact hated her during this time. She says it all came to a head last year and was want to end relationship for the purpose of sort of "ending the pain" so to speak. As many of you may have read, she was acting as if she was on drugs or something (which is another reason why I think it was an affair)

I think my dilemma is this:
1) I truly believe she loves me. And I do love and care about her. However, is she so toxic as to go off the deep end again? She is gradually functioning again. When all went down, she just stopped functioning (other than work)- didn't do house work, didn't talk to her family, was acting like a person that was having a breakdown. I think she is sincere in wanting to be a family. Things are getting better and better between us, not the other way around. On this end, I want to continue on the path.

2) Is she so damaged that she is incapable of having a meaningful honest relationship? Last night I told her how much I needed her honesty and how it was a must in our relationship. She agreed. I told her I wanted a spiritual life together too. She agreed. But problem for me is that I don't always trust she is capable of these things. I've always been judgmental of her as far as her issues go, so it scares me. I will say, she is being more open than ever with me though. She really struggles to trust that I really care about her (her issues) Anyway, our talk helped both of us last night. Seems like when I don't want to trust her (because of history) that I begin focusing on "did she or didn't she screw OM" and am I getting whole story. 

Do you see the two sides of things. This is a woman that has NO history of sleeping around and has been accountable since last October. She is not however, interested in rehashing the past. I can verify that while it may not be impossible, it is very , very unlikely (like 99% sure) that she hasn't had anything going on since the breakdown last fall. There are no signs at all of anything going on. Thanks and God Bless.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> She is adamant about that it was not PA- says she is not going to admit to something that did not happen. Then she says he was just a "friend". Doesn't admit to anything. I will go for days and sometimes weeks where I just accept it and I feel okay. And then with no rhyme nor reason, I'm back obsessing about not getting the whole story. Her story is too unbelievable for me to accept and that grinds the hell our of me.


Trust your gut. You know her and how she behaves. You know her patterns. While there is no way to know for sure, your intuition is going to be right more than wrong.

You have lingering trust issues. Until those questions get answered and you feel trust, you can't get any further forward. It is ok for you to have these questions, and it is ok for you to have whatever criteria you have for the trust to be rebuilt. IOW, there is something in your brain wiring which requires certain checkpoints be hit before you will _feel_ trust in her. You have the right to whatever those checkpoints are for you.

Secondly, she seems to be incapable of rising to what you need. I would say it is a failing of hers, but also I would say she has the right to her own boundaries of what she will do to restore trust. 

It doesn't make her evil if she is unable to deal with the trust issue in a way which satisfies your needs. And it doesn't make you unreasonable to not be satisfied by what she is capable of.

One thing I see is perhaps a bit of fear in you around holding her feet to the fire. You have told her you need the truth. But have you told her that you want to pursue additional avenues to satisfy your unease that she has told you everything? Have you said you are open to suggestions from her, but right now the thing which seems best would be a polygraph? Have you told her the lingering doubts are making it impossible for you to move forward, and thus you aren't optimistic about the R succeeding?

I think you need to face your fear of something, either her disapproval or a fear of D. I think she needs to feel some fear so as to be motivated to step up a few notches.


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