# I've accepted my husband is not a conversationalist, BUT



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I don't think my husband has ever been a conversationalist whereas I could talk non-stop for days. However, like all couples when we first started dating he was more interested in pleasing and humouring me so he participated in conversations. Over the last 6 months, however, I've realized I talk AT him - not TO him.

Herein lies the problem:
I'M the one who has changed. Talking AT him no longer satisfies me. It feels lonely. I understand his confusion because the way we communicated before was good enough, but it just... Isn't now. I'm trying to take responsibility for the fact that my needs have changed and his hasn't and to forgive/accept the fact that the entertaining/humouring phase is over and done with. He's comfortable to talk very little, BUT it's like he resents me for not needing him to talk to me anymore. He's always asking what's wrong because I'm just quieter at home. Not mute, but pretty business-like in that I dialogue the basics. If I'm super passionate about something, I'll talk but his response (or lack there of) makes the passion fizzle and I'd rather just not talk. 

So, I've started parroting him. Basically, he'll get what he gives. We spend Sundays separate with our families and normally I go on and on about my day and the things I did with my mom, etc., but when I ask him how his visit went he'll say "Good". I have no idea how he spent his time. It's always been like this so I'd ask question after question just to get an idea of how things went for him. I'm tired of sounding like I'm interrogating him when all I want to know is how his day went so I'll respond with "Good" and then he'll pester me asking what's wrong. I told him, straight up, that I'm done talking AT him. I'm not mad. I just accept he is who he is and I'd rather keep my word limit down than blather on and feel like no one is actually listening me and I'm just being used to fill the silence. Also, I don't CARE how his day went. If he doesn't want to tell me, I'm not fighting to get it out of him.

Anyway, my new attitude is leaving him feeling pretty confused. On one hand, I think he's happy to have the pressure off of him to entertain me a good conversation, but on the other I think he feels defeated - like he can't satisfy me.

I can't win. I try hard to take pressure off him, take accountability for my needs versus his needs and personally, I feel AWESOME. It's so refreshing not to feel like you're annoying someone or pestering them to respond. I feel free, but it's not all about me so I'm not sure if I should keep this up or adjust some more.

If you have a talkative spouse, do you prefer the monosyllabic approach now and then? Or would you rather them just blather?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> Basically, he'll get what he gives.


 Passive aggressive. Does not resolve the problem. 

Have your attempted counseling together?


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

I'm hearing you say that you married him because he was the strong, silent type but now you're upset because he doesn't talk...


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Passive aggressive. Does not resolve the problem.
> 
> Have your attempted counseling together?


I agree. I've actually CHOSEN this approach. Mainly because I'm naturally quite confrontational and that wasn't working. Also, I got fed up being the one with the balls. Like begets like. He's PA so I can be, too. It's easier. And less work for me. Basically, I'm half given up. Or at least given up temporarily and am letting the chips fall where they may. He's told me i'm a control freak (and I am) so this is me giving him what he wants: Not being a control freak.

Yes. I've tried to convince him to go, he won't. He says couples who do that are "doomed" so I said F it and I start solo sessions soon. (Just waiting for paperwork.) He won't be happy with this.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Ralph Bellamy said:


> I'm hearing you say that you married him because he was the strong, silent type but now you're upset because he doesn't talk...


Ah ha! You're right. See, this is why I'm trying to adjust MY expectations. I'm not expecting him to change. He's ALWAYS been like this and as much as I'd like for him to go back to the fluffy beginning stages in which he made more of an effort to put on a show and talk to me, I don't expect him to. I kind of feel duped. Like he put on a show for me, married me and now he feels he can relax. This is the female equivalent of not shaving and gaining weight. This is what I mean by I can't win. I'm accepting his minimal word count and taking accountability for feeling lonely. It's my fault and within my control to change. I married a PA non wordy guy. Then he pesters me all day asking what's wrong. If I tell him, we fight. So it's easier to just not talk.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ralph Bellamy said:


> I'm hearing you say that you married him because he was the strong, silent type but now you're upset because he doesn't talk...


I'm hearing that he at least tried when they were dating and she likely didn't know it would become an issue at some point. 

OP- I'd hate that. My bf isn't a huge talker but still will open up more if I push the conversation along. It's interesting because my ex never let me get a word in. He was always talking. Now I end up babbling because my bf doesn't say much. He does listen though and that's where my need comes in. If he's actively listening and looks entertained then I'm good. If he looked bored and like he was waiting for me to stop talking I would feel upset. 

With him being confused now he probably is just trying to figure it out and worried you are upset or mad at him. He'll get used to it. If it makes you happier then that's good.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I agree. I've actually CHOSEN this approach. Mainly because I'm naturally quite confrontational and that wasn't working. Also, I got fed up being the one with the balls. Like begets like. He's PA so I can be, too. It's easier. And less work for me. Basically, I'm half given up. Or at least given up temporarily and am letting the chips fall where they may. He's told me i'm a control freak (and I am) so this is me giving him what he wants: Not being a control freak.
> 
> Yes. I've tried to convince him to go, he won't. He says couples who do that are "doomed" so I said F it and I start solo sessions soon. (Just waiting for paperwork.) He won't be happy with this.


You had a thread less than two months ago saying you hated the woman you were turning into.
What changed?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You had a thread less than two months ago saying you hated the woman you were turning into.
> What changed?


That's why I've become PA, lol. The woman I stopped liking and was trying to change was the aggressive, confrontational, control freak. Now, here I am, all accepting and easy going and low-maintenance in terms of what I expect from my husband. I have a birthday coming up and I actually have no expectations. That's how defeated I feel. Like "I'll do whatever I do and get whatever I get" and apply no pressure to my husband to actually deliver. I'm more excited to spend my birthday with my mom and my dog than him. Now that I don't expect him to talk it's like he can't accept it and I'm not sure if it's fixing the problem. Although I do feel better. I don't want to make him feel worse. But no matter what I do I can't seem to make him feel good. But I'm starting to wonder if I should just stop worrying about him so much. I calculate everything I do or say on behalf on him. Honestly debating on if I just want to be selfish and take care of my needs. (No, not cheating, just my emotional needs.)


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't have advice, but I'm living the same reality! 

I used to be very hurt by his lack of conversation and I took it as a lack of interest in me. 

Now, we've been together so long that I just don't have that much to say to him on a regular basis. I mean, we see each other every single day. There's only so much that happens in the 10 hours we are away from each other each day. Most of it really isn't that interesting. 

Over time, I guess I mellowed out and I've learned to live with the quiet. After a long time of getting used to the quiet, I realized this is really just who he is and he doesn't mean any harm by it. 

I pick my battles with my H and decided this is not a battle I will ever "win". 

The only time I ever go back to being confrontational about this particular issue is if he does not tell me something important. (For example, a bill needs to be paid immediately, or an emergency happened in the family.) Chat still happens occasionally. I am very quick to communicate that I am upset and expect different behavior the next time. 

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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> That's why I've become PA, lol. The woman I stopped liking and was trying to change was the aggressive, confrontational, control freak. Now, here I am, all accepting and easy going and low-maintenance in terms of what I expect from my husband. I have a birthday coming up and I actually have no expectations. That's how defeated I feel. Like "I'll do whatever I do and get whatever I get" and apply no pressure to my husband to actually deliver. I'm more excited to spend my birthday with my mom and my dog than him. Now that I don't expect him to talk it's like he can't accept it and I'm not sure if it's fixing the problem. Although I do feel better. I don't want to make him feel worse. But no matter what I do I can't seem to make him feel good. But I'm starting to wonder if I should just stop worrying about him so much. I calculate everything I do or say on behalf on him. Honestly debating on if I just want to be selfish and take care of my needs. (No, not cheating, just my emotional needs.)



Learning to accept change within a relationship is definitely a good thing as certain behaviors most certainly do simmer down over time, however, even though you say you are becoming "all accepting and easy going and low-maintenance" I'm detecting a lot of resentment from your word choices. I might be reading too much into it but the honest reality of changing yourself is if the change creates resentment towards someone then it's probably not a good route to go. Maybe there's a middle ground between the person you were and what you feel you have to do now? I was guilty with my wife for quite some time with not being very involved with her, not engaging and not being present. Not trying to stoke a fire here but isn't talking part of being in the relationship and it's the relationship that you women crave more than anything else? I had to make a concerted effort when I got home every day to engage my wife and give her more than just a couple words and grunts here and there. Our relationship, at least the basis of it, has shown a marked improvement because of it and I have come out of my shell so to speak. He should show some effort to at least try to engage you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I agree. I've actually CHOSEN this approach. Mainly because I'm naturally quite confrontational and that wasn't working. Also, I got fed up being the one with the balls. Like begets like. He's PA so I can be, too. It's easier. And less work for me. Basically, I'm half given up. Or at least given up temporarily and am letting the chips fall where they may. He's told me i'm a control freak (and I am) so this is me giving him what he wants: Not being a control freak.
> 
> Yes. I've tried to convince him to go, he won't. He says couples who do that are "doomed" so I said F it and I start solo sessions soon. (Just waiting for paperwork.) He won't be happy with this.


Maybe your H is simply not interested. Not the first time a H and or W could care any less to talk about the day or any subject at all.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

kag123 said:


> I don't have advice, but I'm living the same reality!
> 
> I used to be very hurt by his lack of conversation and I took it as a lack of interest in me.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you've accepted your situation, it just sounds so lonely! It's not even about "winning" (although I know you didn't mean it like that) for me and it's more about compatibility and again - the fact the I feel duped. 
Any advice on how you coped with the quiet? Did you ever learn to not resent him for not being better at something you need? Any input on how I can handle myself would be appreciated. I feel like I'm slipping into indifference.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

spawn2031 said:


> Learning to accept change within a relationship is definitely a good thing as certain behaviors most certainly do simmer down over time, however, even though you say you are becoming "all accepting and easy going and low-maintenance" I'm detecting a lot of resentment from your word choices. I might be reading too much into it but the honest reality of changing yourself is if the change creates resentment towards someone then it's probably not a good route to go. Maybe there's a middle ground between the person you were and what you feel you have to do now? I was guilty with my wife for quite some time with not being very involved with her, not engaging and not being present. Not trying to stoke a fire here but isn't talking part of being in the relationship and it's the relationship that you women crave more than anything else? I had to make a concerted effort when I got home every day to engage my wife and give her more than just a couple words and grunts here and there. Our relationship, at least the basis of it, has shown a marked improvement because of it and I have come out of my shell so to speak. He should show some effort to at least try to engage you.


You're right. I am harbouring some resentment. I'm afraid it's slipping into indifference, TBH. I'm just so ANGRY at him. I feel like I've done MORE than enough evolution as a person to cater to his needs and he ain't doing **** for me! For example, we've always had an agreement that expenses were to be "shared" 70/30 because he made more money than I do and I like to be involved in the domestic things. I worked (past tense!) part-time because we thought we'd be home owners by now and immediately try to have a baby, but no such luck thanks to the market and my current job is PERFECT for school hours. Also very easy to get back into after mat leave as it's not really stressful. Anyway, he confessed to me a few months ago that he's tired of shouldering the majority of the financial responsibility. He said sometimes, he wished he could be the one to get spoiled. What did I do? I got another job and 3 weeks later and I now work as much as him. But is he grateful? Nooo. He'll tell me he's proud of me for juggling both jobs, but he's also bitter that I don't cook as often. Are you ****ing kidding me? I've spent over $1,000 this month alone on outings for us just so he could feel spoiled. They were things I wanted to do, yes, but I paid for them. I'm giving him what he wants and I barely get a ****ing thank you. 
And he can't force himself to have a conversation with me? BUt I have to force myself to accept that he's not a conversationalist? 
So typing this out, yes I guess I am resentful, but I also feel entitled to be so because I've put in SO much effort.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Maybe your H is simply not interested. Not the first time a H and or W could care any less to talk about the day or any subject at all.


Fair enough, but I like to think I talk about interesting things. I mean, I'm not talking about if I should get bangs or what not. Can't he put in more effort to just talk to me? Interest be damned. I'm at the point, I'mnot even sure I'd want him to. I'd actually prefer he just it in the living room and leaveme alone int he bedroom.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SO, have you actually talked about this or did you talk at him? 
The minute you were married did he stop engaging?
Do you dominate the topics and conversation or do you try to talk about his likes as well?
Are you covering a myriad of topics or is it the same things?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm glad you've accepted your situation, it just sounds so lonely! It's not even about "winning" (although I know you didn't mean it like that) for me and it's more about compatibility and again - the fact the I feel duped.
> Any advice on how you coped with the quiet? Did you ever learn to not resent him for not being better at something you need? Any input on how I can handle myself would be appreciated. I feel like I'm slipping into indifference.


I dunno. I guess for me, it was understanding that there was no malice behind his lack of conversation. That it's really just who he is. You can ask someone to do things for you, but you can't change their nature. I didn't want to "ask" him for conversation because it seemed like something that should come naturally and couldn't be forced. The old - I want him to WANT to talk to me. We all know how well that works! 

Also, our relationship has to be on good terms for him to want to talk to me. If I'm projecting any anger or resentment, he picks up on that and will clam up. He's very conflict avoidant. Body language and tone of voice do a lot to communicate feelings even if there are no words coming out of my mouth. 

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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> SO, have you actually talked about this or did you talk at him?
> The minute you were married did he stop engaging?
> Do you dominate the topics and conversation or do you try to talk about his likes as well?
> Are you covering a myriad of topics or is it the same things?


Oh, Lord, I have talked to and at him.
I do feel like as soon as we got married his true colours came out.
I don't think said colours are bad or anything, but they don't compliment me... They're not what I'm looking for.
Like I said, this is the female equivalent of never shaving again and gaining weight when she was attractive and well put-together in the first place and was part of why you married her.
Or you know those women who have an awesome career and a guy marries her thinking she's career driven, but suddenly she wants to be a SAHM? None of those lifestyles are bad, but they aren't what the other partner initially thought they were getting.

Yes, I've tried to let him talk or try to find his interests.
The thing is, he doesn't have any interests! 
Seriously.
I've tried this thing in which I count to 60 before speaking (as not to cut him off) and I can get to like 450 before he'll say so "Um you wanna watch TV?"

He has a soccer game and I'll ask how the game went and he'll say good. If I press and press and press (which I'm tired of doing) he'll go into details about the dynamic, plays, goals, etc. but I can't push conversation anymore. I'm exhuasted. So his game will go "good" and I'll leave it at that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Oh, Lord, I have talked to and at him.
> I do feel like as soon as we got married his true colours came out.
> I don't think said colours are bad or anything, but they don't compliment me... They're not what I'm looking for.
> Like I said, this is the female equivalent of never shaving again and gaining weight when she was attractive and well put-together in the first place and was part of why you married her.
> ...


This is actually quite interesting. You did something my wife used to do and it irritated me to no end back in the day. I wonder if he feels the same way about you. He thought your talking was cute, but he started feeling like he was losing or you were uninterested.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Imo if he could make an effort to do it while dating then he could do it now. I have a feeling that OP would be quite happy if he just made a bit of effort to do it. 

Conversation is a legit emotional need. We don't just give the emotional needs we want to do, we do the ones our partners want us to do for them. 

I have to learn how to talk to people for my job, I don't want to but I do it. It's not that hard. 

I get that you're just done. A lot of people end up in your boat when they aren't getting sex. They just stop looking for it and asking for it and it makes them happier. 
Usually the happiness doesn't last long and goes back to frustration so I'd be careful to watch out for that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I don't think my husband has ever been a conversationalist whereas I could talk non-stop for days. However, like all couples when we first started dating he was more interested in pleasing and humouring me so he participated in conversations. Over the last 6 months, however, I've realized I talk AT him - not TO him.
> 
> Herein lies the problem:
> I'M the one who has changed. Talking AT him no longer satisfies me. It feels lonely. I understand his confusion because the way we communicated before was good enough, but it just... Isn't now. I'm trying to take responsibility for the fact that my needs have changed and his hasn't and to forgive/accept the fact that the entertaining/humouring phase is over and done with. He's comfortable to talk very little, BUT it's like he resents me for not needing him to talk to me anymore. He's always asking what's wrong because I'm just quieter at home. Not mute, but pretty business-like in that I dialogue the basics. If I'm super passionate about something, I'll talk but his response (or lack there of) makes the passion fizzle and I'd rather just not talk.
> ...


Hmmm, my recent lover and I were like this from time to time, we also happen to be opposites in terms of introversion/extroversion. I wouldn't say I had nothing to talk about, I just didn't really have anything I wanted to share with her or there was stuff in my mind that I preferred to resolve alone. My lover was very patient however, eventually I felt bad at her talking all the time and being sweet and I made an effort to include her more into my life.

Not so sure if the whole passive aggressiveness would work, it may wake him up if the card is played once or twice, but if it's a regular thing it's just going to be problems.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You remind me of myself. And your relationship reminds me of mine. (Although I'm soon to be divorced). I felt like if I didn't talk, we wouldn't talk. If I didn't kiss him, and be affectionate, we would never be. I realized that I was basically in a relationship with a passive person that doesn't do anything. I grew resentful, I got lonely, he never changed and either did I. 

I don't have any advice for you. But I understand how lonely it feels.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

That would do my head in, we have constant dialogue, discussion, conversation here, hours and hours every week, it is fantastic to connect like this.

You guys remind me of "the dining dead" those couple you see out to dinner but not talking, just sitting there looking bored. Why these people bother to go out together is beyond me.

Tell me OP do you laugh together? If you aren't conversing then where would you get the material to laugh together about? We have times where we can't look at each other bc we are laughing so much. Laughing together is one of the best parts of life.

Ugh, can you live like this for the rest of your life?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Yes, I've tried to let him talk or try to find his interests.
> 
> The thing is, he doesn't have any interests!
> 
> ...




Wow this is so my stbxh. It was like pulling teeth to have a normal conversation. And it got exhausting. I felt like he couldn't just be a normal person and communicate like a normal human being. Also he has no interests or hobbies except soccer and that was his thing that he did and didn't like to talk to me about it. My stbxh could never even pick a place to eat. I initiated sex more. It was exhausting Bc I turned into a control person and had to basically control the relationship for there to even be a relationship. He didn't care about anything... or at least that's how he acted. 

Sorry your going through this. I feel your pain. Reality is... he won't change and you will grow resentful and more lonely unless you can change your needs. Goodluck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband was a very passive person. I wasn't. That can make for a very difficult marriage when there's little effort to compromise somewhere in the middle of the extremes. Some people learn to live with a passive spouse and some don't. I did that for decades but I wouldn't do it again.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is actually quite interesting. You did something my wife used to do and it irritated me to no end back in the day. I wonder if he feels the same way about you. He thought your talking was cute, but he started feeling like he was losing or you were uninterested.


Can you explain further, please? I genuinely believe that most people react to situations in only a handful of similar ways so maybe your reaction could be insightful.

Are you saying you LIKED her talking, even though you didn't contribute much verbally to the convo? And that when she stopped you felt she wasn't interested? Or was she annoying all around whether she talked or didn't talk? I just feel like I can't win.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

My ex was a talker. In the beginning, I thought it was cute and because I'm not a talker myself, it was fine to let my ex go on and on (and on and on and on and on) because it gave me insight. It became a problem when I was expected to talk as much or share as much. It is not who I am or how I operate. Eventually the sound of my ex's voice became like a knife in my head. I stopped trying to give answers or responses that would further engage me because I didn't want a conversation to continue. My ex was terrible about taking hints and apparently my ex couldn't tolerate quiet at all, so my quietness just prompted more talking, talking, talking. It was a nightmare. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to live a peaceful and quiet life now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Fair enough, but I like to think I talk about interesting things. I mean, I'm not talking about if I should get bangs or what not. Can't he put in more effort to just talk to me? Interest be damned. I'm at the point, I'mnot even sure I'd want him to. I'd actually prefer he just it in the living room and leaveme alone int he bedroom.


Your H may not find what you are talking about interesting. Sometimes I see my W eye glaze over as I talk about a car repair I handled or some subject that is not her cup of tea. I do the same occasionally. 

Have you tried to start a conversation that concerns something your H likes(hobby, sport, were he would like to be 10 years from now)?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I think your approach is good because you were feeling like he was not a willing participant in the conversation. You felt like you were interrogating. I think you should be a bit more direct, though. When he asks what is wrong, you should tell him that you know if he wants to share more with you about his day (or whatever) you trust that he will.

I think he got used to you asking questions, and I think he probably liked it because it took all the work of holding a conversation off of him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, I know you've tried talking to him about this. I'm going to suggest you give it one more shot. 

Get a copy of the book _His Needs, Her Needs _by W. Harley, if you don't already have one. It does a nice job of explaining that men and women often have different emotional needs - and that your partner's primary emotional needs are valid even if you don't share them. Read it yourself, but also keep in on hand in case he'd like to read it too at some point. Also, make sure you're meeting his most important emotional needs - for guys, that's usually sex and recreational companionship, followed by admiration, physical attractiveness and domestic support in any order. You'll be in a much better position to get him to listen and be willing to engage with you if you're meeting his needs on a consistent basis. Clean up your side of the street, so that you know you're being a great partner, before you approach him with complaints. 

Then, move on to what I would suggest be your last-ditch effort to get him to engage. Sit him down and tell him - calmly, reasonably, with little emotion beyond a mild positivity - that you have a legitimate emotional need for conversation with your spouse. People can have different needs, but they usually marry the person they've found that meets their primary emotional needs. People fall in love by meeting those needs for one another. When you two dated, he was meeting your need for conversation, and that's part of why you fell in love and wanted to marry him. But after you married, he seemed to become much less interested in meeting that need for you, and it's making it really hard for you to stay in love with him. I would then say, very directly, "This need, for me, is every bit as important as your need for sex is for you. I know that when we don't have sex it's hard for you to feel in love with me and want to meet my needs. Well, when we don't have any conversation, I feel distant from you and it's hard for me to feel in love and want to have sex with you. That you have stopped having conversations with me makes me not want to have sex with you. I'd like to ask you to think about what we can do, as a team, to make our marriage better for both of us. I don't want to do it now, because I want us both to really think about it and discuss this again after that. Let me know when you're ready to talk again about some options for getting us back on track." If his top need isn't sex, obviously change that portion, but do be very direct. You might also suggest he read _His Needs, Her Needs_, if he's interested, but don't insist or demand that he do. 

At that point, give him a quick hug/kiss, and hop up to go do something else. The conversation is over for now. Don't get bogged down in an argument or even an intense discussion at that point. Say your peace and then give him time and space to think over what you've said. But he does need to hear a very direct correlation between the lack of conversation and your lack of willingness to keep meeting his needs: 'When you don't talk to me, I don't want to [meet your top need].' 

Be patient. If weeks go by and he hasn't brought it up again, and hasn't increased the level of conversational engagement with you, then I think it's probably safe to say that he's just not interested enough in keeping you happy to make any changes. At that point, you can ask him directly if he's interested in making your marriage better for both of you. If he's not, then you will have to decide if this is a marriage you can live with over the long term, or if you'd be better off on your own to find someone who wants a more reciprocal partnership.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@UnicornCupcake

You are both very POOR at communicating. You may "talk a lot" but clearly it's nothing of substance.

Rather than signals, overtures, winks, nods and expecting him to understand. You need to be DIRECT. 

If he keeps asking you what's wrong, THEN HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND your grievances with him obviously.

If it's because he's slow, stupid or "a man" then whatever. You need to find a DIFFERENT way to communicate.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@UnicornCupcake

You are both very POOR at communicating. You may "talk a lot" but clearly it's nothing of substance.

Rather than signals, overtures, winks, nods and expecting him to understand. You need to be DIRECT. 

If he keeps asking you what's wrong, THEN HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND your grievances with him obviously.

If it's because he's slow, stupid or "a man" then whatever. You need to find a more transparent way to communicate.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Now that I don't expect him to talk it's like he can't accept it and I'm not sure if it's fixing the problem. Although I do feel better. I don't want to make him feel worse. But no matter what I do I can't seem to make him feel good. But I'm starting to wonder if I should just stop worrying about him so much. I calculate everything I do or say on behalf on him. Honestly debating on if I just want to be selfish and take care of my needs. (No, not cheating, just my emotional needs.)


I doubt his problem is about you not expecting him to talk. He is expecting you to talk and you aren't. He probably likes listening to you talk and you are not meeting his need for hearing you talk. I know you don't like asking him questions, but you could ask him to at least respond in some manner when you are talking to let you know if he is interested or not and that you would like some minimal input from him. You are making excuses for him when you say that he used to do that as part of courting you, but now that he's got you it's over. That's not okay. Clearly he is able to do that. If he wants to hear you talk, he's going to have to make an effort to at least respond to you and to fill in some details of his own or you are going to continue to lose interest and I predict the marriage will not last.

I don't see you as being passive/aggressive at all. Passive/aggressive is manipulative and I don't see you being manipulative. I see you as having given up.


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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

So there are quite a few well meaning folks on here that are telling you that your H is not going to change and that you need to change your needs if you are to be happy and for the marriage to survive. That might very well be true but I am living proof that if you dont give up and you learn to communicate better with him (and him with you) that changes on both sides CAN be made. In order to do that though HE has to realize there is an issue and HE has to be the one that wants to change it.You can't make him do anything unfortunately. 

I wish I could tell you what it was about the conversation that my wife and I had that made the light bulb turn on for me. I honestly dont remember it being a particular thing but I do remember that it took years of us talking about it for me to get it. The real messed up thing about those couple years, I didn't realize that I wasn't giving her what she needed in the relationship. I thought I was doing good. It wasn't a conscious choice to leave her wanting, for some reason I just didn't make the connection. Something about what she said just made me realize how disconnected I was from her and I finally got it. Perhaps she wasn't being 100% clear, perhaps I wan't listening well enough, who knows... my point.. dont stop talking!! But make sure it comes from a place of love and not anger, which is very difficult given your frustration.

I see this as the equivalent of a wife not giving it up anymore. We need sex, you need the relationship. A man can't expect his wife to keep providing what he needs if he isn't providing what she needs and vice versa of course. I dont think any of what you are expecting from him is outrageous at all.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> @UnicornCupcake
> 
> You are both very POOR at communicating. You may "talk a lot" but clearly it's nothing of substance.
> 
> ...


I AM direct. I'm so direct it's painful. Then he accuses me of being bossy because I will say verbatim: I want this. Do this like that. Thank you. I'm telling you, I can't win.

We're currently fighting over meals. Seriously. I value being a healthy eater and not spending a lot of money outside sources (fast-food) and he does not. He'll SAY he does, but he'll physically go eat McDonald's whereas you can't pay me to go there. His actions do not line up with his words. I think he WANTS to be like "me," (from a health promotion perspective) but he's not sure how to do it unless I lead him. I'll lead him and he'll fight me on the way. This goes back to his upbringing. He'll be mad at me for ****ting on the way they lived. (His mother lived on KFC and so did the whole family.) One day, he'll admit they lived on that stuff the other his in denial and he hates me for wanting to be "better" than them. Now that I'm working a lot off evenings, I invested in a health meal service. It's cheap and costs about half in comparison to eating out everyday, but he says he doesn't like the food. He wants to be healthy, but then he'll **** on me for organzing it.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

spawn2031 said:


> So there are quite a few well meaning folks on here that are telling you that your H is not going to change and that you need to change your needs if you are to be happy and for the marriage to survive. That might very well be true but I am living proof that if you dont give up and you learn to communicate better with him (and him with you) that changes on both sides CAN be made. In order to do that though HE has to realize there is an issue and HE has to be the one that wants to change it.You can't make him do anything unfortunately.
> 
> I wish I could tell you what it was about the conversation that my wife and I had that made the light bulb turn on for me. I honestly dont remember it being a particular thing but I do remember that it took years of us talking about it for me to get it. The real messed up thing about those couple years, I didn't realize that I wasn't giving her what she needed in the relationship. I thought I was doing good. It wasn't a conscious choice to leave her wanting, for some reason I just didn't make the connection. Something about what she said just made me realize how disconnected I was from her and I finally got it. Perhaps she wasn't being 100% clear, perhaps I wan't listening well enough, who knows... my point.. dont stop talking!! But make sure it comes from a place of love and not anger, which is very difficult given your frustration.
> 
> I see this as the equivalent of a wife not giving it up anymore. We need sex, you need the relationship. A man can't expect his wife to keep providing what he needs if he isn't providing what she needs and vice versa of course. I dont think any of what you are expecting from him is outrageous at all.


I'll present it to hin like this and see what he says. I think you're right. It'st he equivalent of a wife withholding sex.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Don't be too controlling. He is going to tell you what you want to hear, but do what he wants.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are trying to control his diet? No wonder you two are arguing. He is your husband, not your son. I have been married over 30 years. After all this time, my husband and I are not on the same page regarding health, but I cannot make him see things my way or want to do things my way. That's just rude. Eat what you eat. Ignore what he eats. You are stressing over things you do not and should not have any control over.

Stop entering into arguments with your husband. Arguments are adversarial. You two are supposed to have each other's backs 100%. It sounds like you want to control certain things in his life. How would you like it is he tried to make you eat KFC or McDonald's? He insisted that it was a more efficient way of eating and he felt you were wasting time and energy on overthinking your food choices? Would that annoy you? It would sure annoy me if my husband started that with me.

Being angry with him doesn't do you any good. Seeing him through loving eyes and wanting to come to unity wherever possible while supporting and loving each other is what marriage is for. If you two plan to have children, it will only get worse, because you won't be on the same page in raising your children. The idea is to work for unity rather than focusing on areas of division and trying to get your husband to see and do it your way.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I AM direct. I'm so direct it's painful. Then he accuses me of being bossy because I will say verbatim: I want this. Do this like that. Thank you. I'm telling you, I can't win.
> 
> We're currently fighting over meals. Seriously. I value being a healthy eater and not spending a lot of money outside sources (fast-food) and he does not. He'll SAY he does, but he'll physically go eat McDonald's whereas you can't pay me to go there. His actions do not line up with his words. *I think he WANTS to be like "me," *(from a health promotion perspective) but he's not sure how to do it unless I lead him. I'll lead him and he'll fight me on the way. This goes back to his upbringing. *He'll be mad at me for ****ting on the way they lived*. (His mother lived on KFC and so did the whole family.) One day, he'll admit they lived on that stuff the other his in denial and* he hates me for wanting to be "better" than them*. Now that I'm working a lot off evenings, I invested in a health meal service. It's cheap and costs about half in comparison to eating out everyday, but he says he doesn't like the food. He wants to be healthy, but then he'll **** on me for organzing it.


Are you telling us that you talk trash to him about his family and the way he was brought up? 

I doubt he wants to be like you. He's probably just trying to please you or shut you up. He probably really enjoys fast food, but knows that it is "the wrong answer" with you. 

If you are as rude and judgmental with your HUSBAND as you sound like here, it is no wonder at all he doesn't want to talk to you. You sound like you have a real superiority complex.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> You are trying to control his diet? No wonder you two are arguing. He is your husband, not your son. I have been married over 30 years. After all this time, my husband and I are not on the same page regarding health, but I cannot make him see things my way or want to do things my way. That's just rude. Eat what you eat. Ignore what he eats. You are stressing over things you do not and should not have any control over.
> 
> Stop entering into arguments with your husband. Arguments are adversarial. You two are supposed to have each other's backs 100%. It sounds like you want to control certain things in his life. How would you like it is he tried to make you eat KFC or McDonald's? He insisted that it was a more efficient way of eating and he felt you were wasting time and energy on overthinking your food choices? Would that annoy you? It would sure annoy me if my husband started that with me.
> 
> Being angry with him doesn't do you any good. Seeing him through loving eyes and wanting to come to unity wherever possible while supporting and loving each other is what marriage is for. If you two plan to have children, it will only get worse, because you won't be on the same page in raising your children. The idea is to work for unity rather than focusing on areas of division and trying to get your husband to see and do it your way.


I am not trying to control his diet, lol. He knew from the get GO I live a healthy lifestyle and I expect the same in return from my partner. He AGREED. He's very active physically and he's BLESSED with a metabolism people would kill for, BUT he doesn't seem to understand future children may not have that same metabolism. His nephew is already getting picked on school for being overweight and he agrees (verbally) that it's his sister's fault for literally letting the kid live off of McDonald's. Also, it's our MONEY and I won't have it wasted on fast-food. These were expectations I made VERY clear from the get-go and we stopped eating with his family because of their unhealthy ways. Then his mother died and food is literally the only thing that can get them all together.

Honest question: Are you attracted to your husband? It's OK for YOUR dynamic if you are accepting of his healthy (or non healthy) ways, but it's not for me. It's too important to me.

I do have to work on this anger, though...


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> Are you telling us that you talk trash to him about his family and the way he was brought up?
> 
> I doubt he wants to be like you. He's probably just trying to please you or shut you up. He probably really enjoys fast food, but knows that it is "the wrong answer" with you.
> 
> If you are as rude and judgmental with your HUSBAND as you sound like here, it is no wonder at all he doesn't want to talk to you. You sound like you have a real superiority complex.


I'm telling you that I told him I will not be living off of KFC. That is was an acceptable dynamic for his family, but I don't want it for mine. Not agreeing with someone's choice doesn't mean I think I'm better than them. If they want to eat it, go for it. I just don't want those habits to roll over into our home.

I challenge anyone to agree that living off of KFC is the better choice. Like,r eally.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Rowan said:


> So, I know you've tried talking to him about this. I'm going to suggest you give it one more shot.
> 
> Get a copy of the book _His Needs, Her Needs _by W. Harley, if you don't already have one. It does a nice job of explaining that men and women often have different emotional needs - and that your partner's primary emotional needs are valid even if you don't share them. Read it yourself, but also keep in on hand in case he'd like to read it too at some point. Also, make sure you're meeting his most important emotional needs - for guys, that's usually sex and recreational companionship, followed by admiration, physical attractiveness and domestic support in any order. You'll be in a much better position to get him to listen and be willing to engage with you if you're meeting his needs on a consistent basis. Clean up your side of the street, so that you know you're being a great partner, before you approach him with complaints.
> 
> ...


This was a great response, thank you! I really appreciate the practical and step-by-step advice.

I have one question, though: What if he IS trying and failing? I've had a similar conversation with him about needs and he was genuinely perplexed that mine wasn't being met. Last night we talked about it again and he honestly thought asking me FIRST (I usually beat him to it as the talker) how my day was was satisfying this need. So, I want to give him credit for actively making an effort, but it was still the same "Good" conversation.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I am not trying to control his diet, lol. He knew from the get GO I live a healthy lifestyle and I expect the same in return from my partner. He AGREED. He's very active physically and he's BLESSED with a metabolism people would kill for, BUT he doesn't seem to understand future children may not have that same metabolism. His nephew is already getting picked on school for being overweight and he agrees (verbally) that it's his sister's fault for literally letting the kid live off of McDonald's. Also, it's our MONEY and I won't have it wasted on fast-food. These were expectations I made VERY clear from the get-go and we stopped eating with his family because of their unhealthy ways. Then his mother died and food is literally the only thing that can get them all together.
> 
> Honest question: Are you attracted to your husband? It's OK for YOUR dynamic if you are accepting of his healthy (or non healthy) ways, but it's not for me. It's too important to me.
> 
> I do have to work on this anger, though...


I am extremely attracted to my husband.

You certainly are trying to control your husband's diet. Read what you wrote. That is you trying to control him. If this is a deal breaker for you, leave him now. Stop wasting both of your times. Apparently he thought it was good in theory, but it's not working for him in reality. You obviously expect him to change his diet to meet your expectations and are trying to get him to do it your way. That is by definition controlling behavior, whether you have a good reason or not. Whether he previously agreed or seemed to agree with you or not. Trying to get him to do things your way is controlling. There is no way getting around that.

Look I totally agree with your reasons why he should make the changes, but if he doesn't care about that, you can't make him care. Nagging him about it isn't helping and it's not going to work. You are showing an unwillingness to accept him and the situation for what it is. Again, your reasons are good for wanting this, but if he doesn't agree with you, trying to make him change his ways is called controlling.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm telling you that I told him I will not be living off of KFC. That is was an acceptable dynamic for his family, but I don't want it for mine. Not agreeing with someone's choice doesn't mean I think I'm better than them. If they want to eat it, go for it. I just don't want those habits to roll over into our home.
> 
> *I challenge anyone to agree that living off of KFC is the better choice.* Like,r eally.


That's not the point, but I think you know this. What you wrote here is different from your previous post. I think you're well-aware that the way things are said is the key to SUCCESSFUL communication. Seems to me you would rather be right than be happy. 

I would love to hear your husband's side of ... everything.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> I am extremely attracted to my husband.
> 
> You certainly are trying to control your husband's diet. Read what you wrote. That is you trying to control him. If this is a deal breaker for you, leave him now. Stop wasting both of your times. Apparently he thought it was good in theory, but it's not working for him in reality. You obviously expect him to change his diet to meet your expectations and are trying to get him to do it your way. That is by definition controlling behavior, whether you have a good reason or not. Whether he previously agreed or seemed to agree with you or not. Trying to get him to do things your way is controlling. There is no way getting around that.
> 
> Look I totally agree with your reasons why he should make the changes, but if he doesn't care about that, you can't make him care. Nagging him about it isn't helping and it's not going to work. You are showing an unwillingness to accept him and the situation for what it is. Again, your reasons are good for wanting this, but if he doesn't agree with you, trying to make him change his ways is called controlling.


You know, that's a pretty fair assessment. He DID agree to it, in theory just not in action and I can't force him to live up to his agreement. At the time I think he was genuine, but now that I expect it to be put into practice he's not interested. Now, I think he's changed his mind about the whole eating healthy approach. Lord knows I've changed my mind more than enough times about stuff. (Smoking didn't bother me at first now I can't f-ing stand it.) I subconsciously noticed HIS change and I told him months ago I think he'd be better suited to find a less demanding woman - the type who's HAPPY to just Netflix, chill and order take-out. Yes, I said this with all sincerity and no judgement, but he SPAT on that idea of a woman so I'm confused as to what he truly wants. It's also a little sad that he pretty much gets to get out of his agreement because he's changed his mind. He doesn't want to eat healthy, cool. He doesn't have to. I was OK with his smoking then and I'm not now so shouldn't he quit by the same logic? You'd think so, but it won't. I'm stuck with a smoker.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> That's not the point, but I think you know this. What you wrote here is different from your previous post. I think you're well-aware that the way things are said is the key to SUCCESSFUL communication. Seems to me you would rather be right than be happy.
> 
> I would love to hear your husband's side of ... everything.


So would I.

Also, my tone is ****e. Always has been. If there was a finishing school for ladies or something I'd enroll. I know this. I struggle with it daily. When I try to be sweet and diplomatic I'mt old it's scary because they know I'm lying. I do not have a poker face. I have en eyebrow that goes sky high when annoyed.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> You know, that's a pretty fair assessment. He DID agree to it, in theory just not in action and I can't force him to live up to his agreement. At the time I think he was genuine, but now that I expect it to be put into practice he's not interested. Now, I think he's changed his mind about the whole eating healthy approach. Lord knows I've changed my mind more than enough times about stuff. (Smoking didn't bother me at first now I can't f-ing stand it.) I subconsciously noticed HIS change and I told him months ago I think he'd be better suited to find a less demanding woman - the type who's HAPPY to just Netflix, chill and order take-out. Yes, I said this with all sincerity and no judgement, but he SPAT on that idea of a woman so I'm confused as to what he truly wants. It's also a little sad that he pretty much gets to get out of his agreement because he's changed his mind. He doesn't want to eat healthy, cool. He doesn't have to. I was OK with his smoking then and I'm not now so shouldn't he quit by the same logic? You'd think so, but it won't. I'm stuck with a smoker.


My husband is also a smoker. I wish he would quit, but I cannot make him quit. Even his mother seems to think I should be able to make him quit. Good grief. No. Just no. Only he can quit. I can't quit for him.

It sounds like your husband is perfectly happy with you just the way you are, including the talking. He probably enjoys listening to you, unless you are nagging him to change something.

My approach would be to tell him that you need him to put more effort into responding to you and actually talking to you. Not as much as you do and you know he's not your girlfriend, but to at least respond. Other than that, focus on your own personal health and continue to do your best. My kids love my cooking and they eat a lot of vegetables and good food, but they also eat trash that was introduced to them and I had no control over that. It wasn't much of a problem when they were young, because I didn't bring it into the house and my husband didn't too much, but once they got jobs, they bought whatever they wanted and brought it home.

You have to decide what you can and cannot live with. If it's a deal breaker, it's not your husband's responsibility to change no matter how reasonable your desires are.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> So would I.
> 
> Also, my tone is ****e. Always has been. If there was a finishing school for ladies or something I'd enroll. I know this. I struggle with it daily. When I try to be sweet and diplomatic I'mt old it's scary because they know I'm lying. I do not have a poker face. I have en eyebrow that goes sky high when annoyed.


That's because you have a terrible attitude. You trying to sound sweet would be like putting lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

You seem to alternate between attempting to glorify or minimize the scathing, bitter, control-freak you come off as, but I suspect that on some level you do realize you're not a good, kind or decent person and wish you were different. You can be different, but you'd have to accept some truths that you are clearly not willing to accept yet. 

Best of luck to ...your husband.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I AM direct. I'm so direct it's painful. Then he accuses me of being bossy because I will say verbatim: I want this. Do this like that. Thank you. I'm telling you,* I can't win.*
> 
> We're currently fighting over meals. Seriously. I value being a healthy eater and not spending a lot of money outside sources (fast-food) and he does not. He'll SAY he does, but he'll physically go eat McDonald's whereas you can't pay me to go there. His actions do not line up with his words. I think he WANTS to be like "me," (from a health promotion perspective) but he's not sure how to do it unless I lead him. I'll lead him and he'll fight me on the way. This goes back to his upbringing. He'll be mad at me for ****ting on the way they lived. (His mother lived on KFC and so did the whole family.) One day, he'll admit they lived on that stuff the other his in denial and he hates me for wanting to be "better" than them. Now that I'm working a lot off evenings, I invested in a health meal service. It's cheap and costs about half in comparison to eating out everyday, but he says he doesn't like the food. He wants to be healthy, but then he'll **** on me for organzing it.


Is everything in life something you need to win?


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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> You know, that's a pretty fair assessment. He DID agree to it, in theory just not in action and I can't force him to live up to his agreement. At the time I think he was genuine, but now that I expect it to be put into practice he's not interested. Now, I think he's changed his mind about the whole eating healthy approach. Lord knows I've changed my mind more than enough times about stuff. (Smoking didn't bother me at first now I can't f-ing stand it.) I subconsciously noticed HIS change and I told him months ago I think he'd be better suited to find a less demanding woman - the type who's HAPPY to just Netflix, chill and order take-out. Yes, I said this with all sincerity and no judgement, but he SPAT on that idea of a woman so I'm confused as to what he truly wants. It's also a little sad that he pretty much gets to get out of his agreement because he's changed his mind. He doesn't want to eat healthy, cool. He doesn't have to. I was OK with his smoking then and I'm not now so shouldn't he quit by the same logic? You'd think so, but it won't. I'm stuck with a smoker.


So I haven't been a part of this community very long but in the short time I have been here I have seen 3 different threads from you. All of which talking about how you dont like this or that about you husband and that's fine. I'm not dogging you by any means. But it is becoming very clear that you guys have some serious differences. Sex, Life Style, Activity Level, Healthy Living, and now Smoking as well. That's a lot of stuff. In every thread you also mentioned future kids. Kids are only going to intensify your differences in those areas and cause you to fight way more. Far be it for me to suggest you going to down a potentially dark and painful road but you guys appear to be mismatched in a lot of important areas. I highly doubt that this is anything that any action solely on your part is going to be able to fix. I would highly recommend you 2 talking to a MC at this point. Something happened to change you 2 from the people you thought you were when you first got married into the people you are now and you've gone in opposite directions, or quite possibly you both were always this way and had rose colored glasses on. Either way, IMO there's just too much stuff going on here and I would be seeking help at this point if I were you.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Is everything in life something you need to win?


I'm naturally very competitive. A total perfectionist. I'm trying to get better at picking my battles. I think I'm going to not win this one on purpose. I think I'm just going to let this one go. I don't think it's worth winning. I'd rather just get along with my husband.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I'm naturally very competitive. A total perfectionist. I'm trying to get better at picking my battles. I think I'm going to not win this one on purpose. I think I'm just going to let this one go. I don't think it's worth winning. I'd rather just get along with my husband.


At least you know yourself....you are very controlling. It appears you will only get along with your H if you allow it. Good luck!


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> At least you know yourself....you are very controlling. It appears you will only get along with your H if you allow it. Good luck!


Thank you. I take a lot of pride in being able to know myself and control my reactions and change with the times. This is, after all, my life. If I'm not in control of it who the F is? I refuse to be a victim. I'd rather be a boss. I'll take your snark and roll with it, .


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did you want a husband or did you want


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Thank you. I take a lot of pride in being able to know myself and control my reactions and change with the times. This is, after all, my life. If I'm not in control of it who the F is? I refuse to be a victim. I'd rather be a boss. I'll take your snark and roll with it, .


You can control you. You can choose to eat healthy. You can choose to leave if he doesn't eat healthy. You can choose to talk or not talk and choose to leave if he doesn't talk. But you can't control his actions. If he wants to eat KFC 3 times a day for the rest of his life, that's his choice. All you can choose is if you accept it and stay or don't and leave.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Thank you. I take a lot of pride in being able to know myself and control my reactions and change with the times. This is, after all, my life. If I'm not in control of it who the F is? I refuse to be a victim. I'd rather be a boss. I'll take your snark and roll with it, .


Perhaps your H does not converse with you as you will give him his opinion or thought on the matter. Why should he bother then? Just as this is your life so it be true for your H. I get the suspicion that your H not conversing is something you have lost control or have no control over. That is what is bothering you, not the fact your H does not respond.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When a quiet person marries an A personality, the quiet person starts becoming even MORE quiet, as they start to realize how things are going to go. Honestly, I think you'll be divorced within two years.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I don't think my husband has ever been a conversationalist whereas I could talk non-stop for days. However, like all couples when we first started dating he was more interested in pleasing and humouring me so he participated in conversations. Over the last 6 months, however, I've realized I talk AT him - not TO him.
> 
> Herein lies the problem:
> I'M the one who has changed. Talking AT him no longer satisfies me. It feels lonely. I understand his confusion because the way we communicated before was good enough, but it just... Isn't now. I'm trying to take responsibility for the fact that my needs have changed and his hasn't and to forgive/accept the fact that the entertaining/humouring phase is over and done with. He's comfortable to talk very little, BUT it's like he resents me for not needing him to talk to me anymore. He's always asking what's wrong because I'm just quieter at home. Not mute, but pretty business-like in that I dialogue the basics. If I'm super passionate about something, I'll talk but his response (or lack there of) makes the passion fizzle and I'd rather just not talk.
> ...


I think this is a problem for many marriages in that we women connect through talking, men do not connect through talking but by action (e.g. working on the car, playing golf, etc). Women can meet their friends and just natter on because that is how they engage.
My H is the same, if it is about his work, etc then he can talk but after some time of me talking and can actually see him zoning out, so many years ago I just gave up. I didn't bother to ask nor tell him anything, of course in the long run I ended emotionally unfulfilled but got that from my friends instead. In fact, I could say my H knows very little about my life, as I do not share it, I know more about his I think. 

Read about the differences in men and women in this regard. It can be a huge stumbling block because a woman feels rejected when she is not being listened to.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

aine said:


> I think this is a problem for many marriages in that we women connect through talking, men do not connect through talking but by action (e.g. working on the car, playing golf, etc). Women can meet their friends and just natter on because that is how they engage.
> My H is the same, if it is about his work, etc then he can talk but after some time of me talking and can actually see him zoning out, so many years ago I just gave up. I didn't bother to ask nor tell him anything, of course in the long run I ended emotionally unfulfilled but got that from my friends instead. In fact, I could say my H knows very little about my life, as I do not share it, I know more about his I think.
> 
> Read about the differences in men and women in this regard. It can be a huge stumbling block because a woman feels rejected when she is not being listened to.


Did your approach work for you? From a reader's perspective it sounds quite lonely, . Doesn't he care that he doesn't really know anything about your life? My husband is at least upset when I "spring" something on him. (Something I chose not to talk to him about because I feel like he doesn't want to participate.) So, it makes me wonder if he really DOES care about what I'm talking about...

I do talk to my friends quite a bit, but I've put some distance between me and my BFF recently. Her life is just headed in a totally different direction than mine and I'm not sure if I fit or if she fits so I haven't talked to her much. Maybe it's time for me to spend time with other friends...


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Did you want a husband or did you want


How old are you? What is that contraption, lol? I get it was meant to be funny but I have no idea WTF that it, lol. Is it an ancient prototype of a blow horn? A record player? I'ven ever seen a record player (not even in the old movies, lol) with a tuba sticking out of them...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

UnicornCupcake said:


> How old are you? What is that contraption, lol? I get it was meant to be funny but I have no idea WTF that it, lol. Is it an ancient prototype of a blow horn? A record player? I'ven ever seen a record player (not even in the old movies, lol) with a tuba sticking out of them...


I am 60. And I kid you not when I was a kid in the mid to late 1960s our slightly dotty elderly schoolteacher (it was a small, rural school) would bring out a contraption not unlike the one above, wind it up and play old country dances on it as we kids did our best to learn old English folk dancing.

When it slowed down and stopped she would shout: "Stand still!" and run over to the gramophone and vigorously wind it up and then shout: "Start again!"

:rofl:

The metal contraption is called the horn.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

turnera said:


> When a quiet person marries an A personality, the quiet person starts becoming even MORE quiet, as they start to realize how things are going to go. Honestly, I think you'll be divorced within two years.


This is what I observed in my own marriage, I felt all of those frustrating feelings that the OP feels, and eventually I just shut up. That was years ago. This thread isn't even about me and I triggered when reading this because it cut deep.

All of the things I thought made me, well...ME, became things I questioned once I realized this dynamic was going on. I dialed myself way back. Way way back. My husband seems to be coming out of his shell a bit more now that I am not the dominating force in the relationship, and I am trying to learn to choose what is "marriage worthy" and what can be either kept to myself or told to a friend later. I know that sounds awful to someone who has a large need for intimate conversation. 

I had two things going against me that I will freely admit. One, I grew up in a house where we were very blunt in our manner of speaking, and I developed a thick skin because of it. I also adopted that way of speaking myself. I did not understand that other people might find that style of speaking offensive. It made me seem harsh and mean. Two, I did not understand that some people do not find intimate conversation natural. It came to me with ease, and I find that if I can just talk it out, I feel such a sense of relief. Where others, such as my husband, find the act of just starting a deep conversation physically uncomfortable. 

Funny thing is...we both came from parents who are rather judgmental and critical. But we developed into two different personalities from it. Mine is much more brash and "who cares what you think!", where his is much more about shrinking back and avoiding sharing any details about yourself lest they draw criticism.

When people say their spouse is their "best friend", I think to myself- no; he's my husband. My best friend (girl) and I can talk about anything and nothing for hours, and while I cannot share that specific part of friendship with my husband, the bond he and I have is different. Deeper. More visceral than any conversation could be. Once I became quiet, and got over the mountain of being butthurt about it (and boy was I swimming in resentment!), I was able to achieve a different perspective on it. I think of it now as a period of meditation. My new perspective was where I decided that if I had to dial back this "need" of mine, that I was willing to do that because he still brought so much joy to my life ...even if that life was quieter than I'd imagined. He is still an overwhelmingly positive force in my life.

It wasn't until I shed the layer of resentment that I was able to say that, though. There was a time where I was angry and all I could see were the negatives. 

I think every marriage has a pros and cons list. I look at it as the sum of the whole. As long as the pros list outnumbers the cons, I'm good. When I think of my husband with clarity (read: without resentment clouding my view) I can rattle off a long list of pros, and only a few cons...one of which is this issue of quietness.

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I am 60. And I kid you not when I was a kid in the mid to late 1960s our slightly dotty elderly schoolteacher (it was a small, rural school) would bring out a contraption not unlike the one above, wind it up and play old country dances on it as we kids did our best to learn old English folk dancing.
> 
> When it slowed down and stopped she would shout: "Stand still!" and run over to the gramophone and vigorously wind it up and then shout: "Start again!"
> 
> ...


Gramophone! Lol. I've learned a new word today, .


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Is he an introvert in general? Nothing annoys me more than people talking while I'm getting my alone time re-charging. 

I need quiet time when I get home from anywhere. Just quiet. Don't speak to me. A bit of that and I'm good. Then I need more quiet time before bed.


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