# Why Relationships Fail



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I know there are all sorts of things that contribute to the failure of a relationship. 

I think it comes down to one basic thing. One or both people in the relationship stop working at it. One or both start diverting that time and energy into different directions. 

For some it’s a hobby. 

For some it’s the kids. 

For some it’s a career. 

All things in moderation is find. It’s when the other starts taking time from the needs of your SO is when it becomes a problem. Yes even kids can be the problem if a effort is never made to spend time with your SO. 

For some it’s friendships. 

For some it’s a certain friend. 

Again all things in moderation. We all need friends, friends to help keep us grounded. When friendships start interfering with a relationship is when the friendship should be ended. Many SO keep friends that dislike the one they are with. They say little things here and there. One might not really believe or pay attention to the negative things said but they have been said. Over time the things said time and time again will take hold. Why not put a stop to it at the beginning. Simply put it “I’m with this person, if you can’t stop talking trash about them there’s the door”. Is it so hard to stand up for the one we are supposed to love?

Then the one friend that ends up taking all spare moments. They are so great. They are so kind. They are so easy to get along with. They are always there for me. If this is the case then why is it? What has happened in your relationship to make this the reality? Maybe you need to take a view in the mirror and ask the person looking back at you the reason this friend has taken the place of your SO, because they have. 

I know there are men and women out there that they just shut down in the relationship. 

What is the cause? 

Did you ever bother to find out?

Did you ever bother to help?

Did you get a “leave me alone” and quit?

Or did you force the issue to get them help?

There is a thread on TAM that I believe if the wife force the issue of her husbands shutdown she never would have cheated on him. He was suffering from thing that happened while he was in the military. His demons where crushing him. Instead of forcing the issue by saying “I’m divorcing you if you don’t get help”, she starts an affair that lasted a year or two.

It just looks like if we put our time and energy into our relationships, things wouldn’t turn out so poorly for many relationships. 

Anyway, what are your thoughts on the matter?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I agree with you that there are many reasons why relationships fail but I don't agree that all relationships should be saved. I don't think people should "force" their partners into changing nor should they change themself so much they live in constant resentment. 

People should strive to meet their partner's needs (within reason) and should communicate their needs to their partners. Beyond that, no one is required to force themselves to put up with a **** partner. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Because people are selfish.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I don't know how or why it happened. I know we both share blame. I don't know if she thinks there is an issue or not. I know that I'm pretty much checked out of the relationship.

Does she even know there are issues? Does she feel the same way?

There's only one way to find out. 

Right now I'm trying to figure out how and what I'm going to tell her.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

I think relationships fail because of unreal expectations 

Nobody is perfect.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lila said:


> I agree with you that there are many reasons why relationships fail but I don't agree that all relationships should be saved. I don't think people should "force" their partners into changing nor should they change themself so much they live in constant resentment.
> 
> People should strive to meet their partner's needs (within reason) and should communicate their needs to their partners. Beyond that, no one is required to force themselves to put up with a **** partner.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I totally agree with this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

toblerone said:


> I don't know how or why it happened. I know we both share blame. I don't know if she thinks there is an issue or not. I know that I'm pretty much checked out of the relationship.
> 
> Does she even know there are issues? Does she feel the same way?
> 
> ...


If she doesn’t know there was a issue it’s because you haven’t talked with her. Why not have the talk at the start of trouble? You have waited until you check out, why?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jinkazama said:


> I think relationships fail because of unreal expectations
> 
> Nobody is perfect.


What are some of the unrealistic expectations?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Communication Breakdown was the cause. 

I can't speak for her and I didn't ask. I also have never had the opportunity. 

I did try to help. I may have done it wrong. Blaming a woman, even if she is guilty of something, isn't so good for a relationship with her. 

I did get a, "leave me alone", and she quit after I asked three times in a three month period, if she'd like to see someone and talk about it with me. She chose to go alone. I was mistakenly happy about that. 

I can't force anything and threats don't work, though I did tell her, "we will end up divorced, if we don't take care of this".

Edit: I shut down after believing she was cheating. That gave me ED most of the time, unless I was super horny. Then, she'd talk me into believing her. I think that's gaslighting. I was all messed up for years.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Turned into roommates...tried to fix it....wasn't going to happen she's out of the house and I'm liking what I see in the future...FYI almost made 37 years...we can both say at least we tried...Like to short no to be happy each and every day...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

ABHale said:


> If she doesn’t know there was a issue it’s because you haven’t talked with her.


I guess, but right now I believe the state of our relationship is so ridiculous, I'd be taken aback if she _didn't_ notice.



> Why not have the talk at the start of trouble? You have waited until you check out, why?


I really don't know. Sometimes things slide because you're focused on other things. Sometimes you don't notice patterns until they've repeated themselves dozens of times.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

toblerone said:


> I guess, but right now I believe the state of our relationship is so ridiculous, I'd be taken aback if she _didn't_ notice.
> 
> 
> 
> I really don't know. Sometimes things slide because you're focused on other things. Sometimes you don't notice patterns until they've repeated themselves dozens of times.


Best of luck.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

ABHale said:


> What are some of the unrealistic expectations?


 You expect your partner to know what you are feeling and understand those feelings.
But they will never understand these feelings untill you tell them.
But We assume that they will understand without telling them
there are many other unrealistic expectations


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I see a number of reasons why relationships fail. Not all relationships are the same. 

One possible reason is that it was never right to begin with. They got together for the wrong reasons. 

Another is that the couple had a shared task, (such as raising a family, or building a business) and that task is over. 

Another is that though they were well matched at the start, they have had "growth spurts" at different times, and one has (perhaps temporarily) been left behind in terms of emotional/personal/spiritual maturity. This can sometimes resolve itself given time. Sometimes not.

This is not an exclusive list...


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

In my eyes and through my experience...relationships fail for many reasons
Lack of respect
Lack of empathy
Anger issues
Stonewalling
Feelings of superiority and entitlement 
Verbal abuse
Emotional abuse
Inequality
Double standard
Mismatched sex drives

I could go on...

Also the lack of willingness to talk about or seek help for any of the above because H is delusional as to the fact “ nothing is wrong...you’re just making something out of nothing “
Taken me over 30 years to realize that “ no matter how much you do for somebody...in their eyes it’s never enough....they suck the life and joy out of anything that means anything to you “.....and IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I learned as well that communication skills are essential.

I was too much wanting "open hones dialogue" approach where " we gain agreement." It doesn't work, especially with someone who is passive agressive

I realize how stupid it was. For example, asking my ExH, "don't you think her behavior is disrespectful to me?" There is only one answer I am looking for. No wonder he felt boxed in.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it all comes down to one basic thing.

we don't take the institution of marriage seriously enough. even some of us that are in a good or decent marriage.
we go in blind to some degree.

i'm not pointing fingers at those who really tried. all it takes is one side that doesn't buy into it.
i'm pointing the finger at most of us in general...........including me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see lots of reasons. One of them is a failure to understand what is important to your partner - to dismiss their deep desires for casual wants.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> it all comes down to one basic thing.
> 
> we don't take the institution of marriage seriously enough. even some of us that are in a good or decent marriage.
> we go in blind to some degree.
> ...


I think a lot of people do. some of us just go into a marriage without the needed skills to manage one. 

Considering what our courtship was like, I never would have guessed that my husband was passive-aggressive.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Not a complicated question! Life time experiences change each of us. I'm not the same person at 75 that I was at 23 when I got married. I'm not the same business person in 2017 that I was when I started my company in 1974. I'm not the same father today that I was when each kid was born. 

In 1964 I was a Baptist. In 1970 I became a Methodist. Today I'm an atheist. 

Up until 25 years ago, it was important to have lots of friends. Today, I have maybe 2 good ones and I'm much happier with that than 25 years ago.

In 1965 I was a handsome, good looking and smart 23 year old. Today, I'm still handsome and still good looking but a smarter and more 'humble" 75 year old.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Empathy is an important thing that allows emotional bond, unfortunately it can be hard to practice at times.

It’s not about agreeing with our partners without our own opinion, but rather understanding that they can feel how they feel in certain situations given the circumstances. We might not agree how they have act or why they felt in some way, but we still can acknowledge their feelings.
For example, a spouse being stuck in a bad job because he or she can’t yet gather courage to make the big change. Even we think he or she can, or how we would do it better or differently, we can still acknowledge their frustration, their fears and insecurities and how they need their own pace to deal with things. So we can give support without being critical or feel the need to point out what we think.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> Because people are selfish.


I think I would agree with this statement. But I am not sure it is what you meant. . The reasons why most relationships even start is many times because people are NOT selfish enough. Instead they are trying to live up to some standard that has been imposed on them by society, religion or family. After a while, the self cannot be ignored and the relationship fails. So if this is what you mean, then I agree. I think selfishness is a good thing.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I think I would agree with this statement. But I am not sure it is what you meant. . The reasons why most relationships even start is many times because people are NOT selfish enough. Instead they are trying to live up to some standard that has been imposed on them by society, religion or family. After a while, the self cannot be ignored and the relationship fails. So if this is what you mean, then I agree. I think selfishness is a good thing.


Define selfish.

If your definition of selfish is just fufilling your own needs and not caring about anybody elses no matter what. And you think thats a good thing then we are worlds apart.

While I agree being too selfless is also not good for a relationship. Its all about that magical balance.


Do don't take the last oreo without asking if anybody else wants it first.

Or never offer to help others?

There can be a balance ,I belive


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> Define selfish.
> 
> If your definition of selfish is just fufilling your own needs and not caring about anybody elses no matter what. And you think thats a good thing then we are worlds apart.
> 
> ...


Our society tends to confuse selfishness with greed. Selfishness is rational. No one can advocate for you like you can - that is selfishness. Greed on the other hand is irrational and what you seem to be referring to - more for me less for you. In reality if one is truly looking out for their own best interests, they will be making compromises and sacrifices along the way for other people simply because they selfishly want that other person to remain in their life. 
So, if you are saying selfishness leads to break ups I would agree. Due to the fact that most people try to be selfless going into a relationship. But once they discover their self, most relationships cannot handle the stress since they were built on the selfless and not the selfish.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Our society tends to confuse selfishness with greed. Selfishness is rational. No one can advocate for you like you can - that is selfishness. Greed on the other hand is irrational and what you seem to be referring to - more for me less for you. In reality if one is truly looking out for their own best interests, they will be making compromises and sacrifices along the way for other people simply because they selfishly want that other person to remain in their life.
> So, if you are saying selfishness leads to break ups I would agree. Due to the fact that most people try to be selfless going into a relationship. But once they discover their self, most relationships cannot handle the stress since they were built on the selfless and not the selfish.



A quick google search of the definition of selfish is looking out for ones own interests without reguard to others.

Not my idea of a good partner.I not saying that you shouldn't advocate for your self or have deal breakers but I do think condersideration of you partner is a good thing.

Is it good the be a selfish lover? Say you put effort into learning what they like ,giving oral or dressing up romancing them but they don't think they should put in the same effort for you.

Your conflating selfishness with reasonable.

Greed is excessive selfishness for things that are in excess 

Wanting reciprocation isn't selfish in my book.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> A quick google search of the definition of selfish is looking out for ones own interests without reguard to others.
> 
> Not my idea of a good partner.I not saying that you shouldn't advocate for your self or have deal breakers but I do think condersideration of you partner is a good thing.
> 
> ...


I conflate nothing of the kind. The fact is that each of us is (or should be) looking out for own best interests. That does not include doing so without regards to others. The others you show regard to are important to you and thus you act out of selfishness to keep them in your life. So while it at be tempting to cheat on them, you don't because you know that would push them away. However doing so would be greedy because you don't care enough about them to place their needs ahead of your own.
OTOH, there is this general idea here on TAM among some posters that their SO should place the posters needs ahead of their own. Hence their SO is just being selfish if they don't stay. Which they consider bad. In cases where their SO is being greedy (perhaps cheating or lying), it is bad. Otherwise they are just human beings doing the best they know how to do.
Wanting (and expecting) reciprocation is all part of that covert contract, whereby you act in certain ways to get something in return. The reality is that love should be freely given and not earned. So you may still love someone who doesn't return that love to you. At that point it becomes your decision


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I do something nice for you for selfish reasons. Because I will gain something in return.

Sound ulgy.

But I seevwhere your comming from and think we are kind of saying the same thing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its a fuzzy line. 

In a good relationship each tries to do things for the other. In a bad relationship it goes only one way. Does that mean that people are doing things only in order to get something back? My feeling is that it is OK to expect on average your partner to do things for you, as you do things for them. Its just not OK to try to balance things on a short timescale or case-by-case basis





chillymorn69 said:


> I do something nice for you for selfish reasons. Because I will gain something in return.
> 
> Sound ulgy.
> 
> But I seevwhere your comming from and think we are kind of saying the same thing.


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