# Step son finishing college.



## Hoosier

Hello all! I am a long time member here (had to reregister after whatever it was that happened a few years ago) with my original post probably Dec 2010. Never even looked at this Forum, as I was tied up in Infidelity issues, then life after divorce. Here I go:

I am recently remarried after 7 years divorced following a 30 year marriage. Love my wife, she is a very good woman but...... She has a son who is 24 (ill call him Joe). A very talented artist, who attended a big name art school up until a year ago. Just a bit more than a semester before he graduated, he decided to move to a cousins home in Florida. This cousin is a trust fund baby. The cousin kept telling him to come stay with him and he did. When Joe left school he told his mother that he could finish up with classes online no problem. Well hitting the party scene in Florida, he soon forgot about his school work and did not complete any of the classes necessary. He basically spent his time, laying around video gaming, partying, until his cousin got tred of him, started to charge him rent (which he had no money to pay, as he had no job) and soon kicked him to the curve. he is now living in a shed behind a friends home. 
Now the time has come to either get back into school or start paying off his student loans, meaning SHE will need to start paying off his loans. He tells her he wants to go back to school but feels he can just do the online thing again and stay in Florida. She is thinking this is ok. I have pointed out to her that he has shown this isnt going to work, that I realize what she wants for him is for his own good (get back into school) but to borrow more money without some kind of committment on his part is foolish. When she asks me what I would consider committment I have said at a minimum 1. Get a job, so that he can pay some of his own way (she has given him a lot of money, money she didnt have) 2. He move back to campus (he doesnt want to do this) so he can concentrate on his studies better. 
My question for you folks is : How is the best way to handle this? I would rather let it stay at arms length from ME, as I dont want to interfere with her and her sons relationship, she can spend her money the way she wants, but it drives me a bit nuts to see Joe taking advantage of his mother. I am a tough love type of guy, raised three successful daughters. She says to me "you helped your girls" which is true. But in all three cases I was on board with what they were doing, and in the case of my oldest, the minute she decided she wanted to go to Utah and live a while (skipping school at that time) I said fine,but you are on your own. Dads support ends when dad doesnt agree with what you are doing. My wife doesnt seem to get the difference. Comments? Suggestions?

I should point out that when she divorced her first husband, the son was in his early teens. (the ex was/is a drug addict having failed rehab three different times, and has given up trying to change) and she (my wife) feels that she somehow failed her son, and so coddles him to no end.


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## Andy1001

At twenty four it’s time this wannabe Picasso started paying his way. Why can’t he look for student loans so that your wife is not liable for his repayments.


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## minimalME

If it were me, I'd say no to helping with any of it.

As a society we keep extending youth further and further into what should be adulthood. By the time I was 24, I'd graduated from college, had a couple of jobs, gotten married, and had 2 children.

This young man abandoned his schooling to have fun, and now he'll either grow up or he won't. Whichever he chooses, I wouldn't agree to enable him.


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## Diana7

He is a grown man now, I was married with 2 children and a mortgage at his age, and as such |I think he needs to be responsible for his own future. If he wants to go back to studying then he needs to work as well(many people do). My half brother got a degree on line while working full time in a school, he was only 20-23. 
Her money is also yours if you are married, so you both need to agree on what happens. 

Its not for him to dictate terms, he has shown already that he hast got the discipline to get a degree on line.


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## Openminded

It's past time for him to grow up and quit depending on mommy. But your idea of tough love isn't likely to work because she enables him. Better for you to stay out of it because if she has to choose between you and him at some point it's very likely she'll choose him. 

Just make sure she doesn't obligate you financially while she's obligating herself. But you know one way or the other you'll probably end up helping if only because she has no money left after it all goes to keep him afloat.


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## turnera

I would schedule an appointment with a therapist for you and your wife and tell the therapist what's going on and ask their opinion. She may listen to a professional when she won't hear you.


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## 3Xnocharm

He has already proven that he is not capable of doing online courses successfully. He should go live on campus, dedicate to a full time curriculum and also find a part time job. In other words, its time to adult. Your wife should NOT pay ANY of his student loans that are not in her name, and she should NOT take out any new loans for him either. 

Maybe he needs to join the military instead. He can get an education that way.

Time for mommy to tough love.


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## zookeeper

Sounds like your finances are separate since you refer to "her money". If this is true (and presuming she is meeting whatever joint financial obligations she has with you) I'd suggest you stay entirely out of it and let her do as she sees fit.


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## minimalME

3Xnocharm said:


> Maybe he needs to join the military instead. He can get an education that way.


This is an AWESOME suggestion!


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## Affaircare

@Formally known as Hoosier, 

This is actually a pretty easy question. He is 24 years old and does not live in your home. The FAFSA is a prerequisite before your child can get student loans, but only the student is obligated to repay these loans. Parents are not responsible for repaying their children's federal student loans and cannot cosign these loans. 

Soooo...he's no longer a dependent (for taxes or health insurance), he's out of the house, and he's an adult. He gets to make his own decisions...and part of that personal responsibility is that he gets both the COST and the BENEFIT of what he chooses. He chooses where he wants to live, how he wants to live, and how to go back to school or not. YOU and your wife, don't get involved in that AT ALL. You don't pay for his housing, his food, his school, his past loans...nada. 

Congratulations, son, you are on your own! Enjoy being an adult! 

Now, he may whine because that's worked for him in the past, but seriously, he is an adult and he's out of the house. From this point forward, he is responsible for himself. If he wants to go back to school--he figures out how to finance that. If he wants to be a couch bum, he figures out how to eat with no money. He'll learn.


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## Hoosier

Thank you all for you replies. I guess I need to clarify my question better. I know what he needs to do, but my issue is dealing with his mother. She has a BIG blind spot when it comes to him. She is an enabler. I dont want him to create problems in my marriage, but cant see around it, what with her continually bailing his butt out. I guess I was looking for more advice on how to handle HER.


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## Andy1001

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Thank you all for you replies. I guess I need to clarify my question better. I know what he needs to do, but my issue is dealing with his mother. She has a BIG blind spot when it comes to him. She is an enabler. I dont want him to create problems in my marriage, but cant see around it, what with her continually bailing his butt out. I guess I was looking for more advice on how to handle HER.


Besides telling you that you helped your own children with college what was her answer when you suggested he get a job and move back on campus?


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## minimalME

I went back and read what you wrote, and I think this sound fine. If it were me, I'd step back and not mention it anymore unless I was asked. If you are asked, be honest. 



Formally known as Hoosier said:


> My question for you folks is : How is the best way to handle this? *I would rather let it stay at arms length from ME*, as I dont want to interfere with her and her sons relationship, *she can spend her money the way she wants*, but it drives me a bit nuts to see Joe taking advantage of his mother.


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## Openminded

The problem is if she wants to continue enabling him then she will regardless of what you think. She's unlikely to see the light at this point unless she is really tired of all this. So, yes, he's very likely to be in the middle of your marriage for the duration (unless he finally grows up someday). You'll have to decide if you can spend your life watching her enable him (and possibly paying for some or all of it) if this the path she intends to stay on. 

You didn't live with her before marriage if I recall correctly so I assume he wasn't really around when you were. Were you aware of the extent of her enabling before or did it come as a surprise after you married her?


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## 3Xnocharm

Hoosier, would her paying on his loans cause any hardship or difficulty for you guys financially as a couple? If not, you trying to steer her away from enabling him like you already have is probably about all you can do. Bring it up now and then, so that maybe it will eventually come to her. (not like, how could you? But like, so how is that all going, anway?)


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## Vinnydee

My ex fiancé let her husband pay for college for her son from another man whose name she never knew. She lived in a hippie commune. She told me with glee that as soon as the last tuition check cleared, she served him with divorce papers. She used him to support herself and son. She also had a female lover for most of her marriage and is now married to her.

My wife’s girlfriend got her new husband to pay for college for her son. However, her son never worked or worked for long since he had a room, food and full services at home from his mother. His step dad even paid for his car. He became a professional student getting his Master’s at the age of 34 and finally got a job as a teacher’s aid. Still lives at home and his step dad supports him. We don’t know why he does that as he never wanted children of his own and his wife is no prize. She does not cook, clean or do the laundry. They eat out of order in and use a dry cleaner and housekeeper. His wife does not even know how to make a cup of coffee (no exaggeration) so she orders it from a nearby deli for delivery. 

You step dads must be saints. To support someone who does not carry your genes is a very selfless act and you should be applauded for it. However, some women are more focused on their child than their husband so do what you feel is the right thing to do. I left home at 18. Parents were great but I wanted to live my own life, got married at 20 and bought my first new home at 22. Getting a job and supporting myself made me the successful man I am today so push for what you know is right.


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## Affaircare

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Thank you all for you replies. I guess I need to clarify my question better. I know what he needs to do, but my issue is dealing with his mother. She has a BIG blind spot when it comes to him. She is an enabler. I dont want him to create problems in my marriage, but cant see around it, what with her continually bailing his butt out. I guess I was looking for more advice on how to handle HER.


Okay in very simple terms, you can think of this as if your stepson is addicted to partying and gaming (and not working), and your wife is enabling that addiction. Now it may not really be to the extent of an addiction, but most people kind of understand that an addict will keep pursuing their "drug of choice" no matter how they live, and that as soon as they hit a negative consequence or two, they run to the enabler and ask for money or help...and the enabler bails 'em out. That's roughly the sitch we have going here. 

So dealing with HER... you'll probably need to sit her down and use some concrete examples of how his behavior is like an addict, and hers is like an enabler. I doubt she will like to hear that. However, here are some things *both of you *can do to break her enabling behavior:

1. Stop covering up the fact that her son has a problem. You (Hoosier) need to make sure that she sees that her son needs to see the consequences for his choices to party and game--this is the only way he will see that change needs to happen. So help her see the need for that and also help her have courage to stop covering up for him. 

2. Stop giving her son money, clothing, gift cards, and other gifts. Addicts are known for taking advantage of the people that love them. This can be hard at first, but clear boundaries need to be established in order to avoid having this continue in the future. My suggestion might be that the two of you work as a TEAM to write down the boundaries you will BOTH enforce, together...and then let her lean on you when she feels like caving in (because she will). Yes, you may come off like "the bad guy" to her son, but the two of you stay on the same team rather than YOU vs. her and him (which is how it is now). 

3. Stop with the control and manipulation. Help her to see how she is constantly trying to control her son and manipulate the situation by covering for him. Attendance in something like CoDA (codependency anonymous) might help her understand and accept that there is nothing she can do to make her son finish school, stop partying, stop gaming, etc. This will be beneficial to the both of you. 

4. The two of you work together to make her son stay true with obligations. Stop making excuses on why the son acts the way he does, or why he blows off important dates or holidays, etc. You and she need to hold every one of your kids responsible for their obligations so they can go out into society as a contributing member, so make sure it's not just her son--but by the same token, hold him just as accountable as you'd hold all the other kids. Sometimes a hands-off approach can be beneficial, you are no longer there to be a crutch in times of need. This will show her son that his own actions are hurting him and everyone around him.

5. Help her stop worrying about her son's reaction. Her son will be angry once he notices a change in her responses to his behavior. When he realizes that she is not paying his way or covering his lies, it will be difficult at first. The two of you (Hoosier and Mrs) form a united unit and help each other to stay strong.


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## arbitrator

*Military!

And if he gets rejected by them because of drug/substance usage, then it's "tough love" time!*


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## Marc878

Trying to break the enabling mother from the son will be difficult at best. 

Your wife is living on hopium and can't let go. You get in the middle you'll be the bad guy.

I've see this one too many times. She will destroy herself and you over him if you let her.

At his age the best thing is to cut him off.


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## MEM2020

Your message to her has to be phrased as a question.

Do you think you are actually helping him by protecting him from his consequences at this age?

And is there a point where she will commit in advance to ending this unconditional support?

I note that you Hoosier have cleverly avoided any ripple effect this has on you, but I don’t doubt that is the case.




Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Thank you all for you replies. I guess I need to clarify my question better. I know what he needs to do, but my issue is dealing with his mother. She has a BIG blind spot when it comes to him. She is an enabler. I dont want him to create problems in my marriage, but cant see around it, what with her continually bailing his butt out. I guess I was looking for more advice on how to handle HER.


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## turnera

You also could find any of the hundreds of articles about helicopter parents and how detrimental it is to the kids long term, and ask her to read them.


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## Hoosier

Thanks again for all your replies! 

to answer a couple of questions: No, I wasnt aware of the extent she would go to enable him. I cant say I didnt know she trended that way, as that would not be true, but she is a bit over the top. As for her paying his bills being a problem for us, not really an issue. I am able to pay all our expenses with little fuss.

I am going to encourage her to see what she is doing, and in fact we had agreed that we would do couples counseling after we were married so will be signing up for this soon and I can make her son part of it. I just see putting myself in the middle as nothing but a loosing position, not sucking me into that.

Thanks again all, and hello to some names from my past on TAM.


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## sunsetmist

Your wife is likely consumed with guilt. The more he fails, the guiltier she will feel--ridiculous, but true. He has his dad's genes and example and no one but Joe will able to work on that to do better. However, many young folks withdraw from school really close to the end of studies. There are lots of reasons--fear of failure to find jobs, fear of having to be self-supportive period, fear of having to grow up, etc. 

It can take years to repay student loans. Every time mom or someone else rescues him, his self-worth is negated a bit. 

You are in a tough spot. Decisions here can tank or aid your marriage. I think a third party MC would be beneficial in untangling this complex web, as son is likely testing his mom on who comes first, you or himself.


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