# Sex



## [email protected] (Sep 8, 2017)

I have been with my SO for just over 2 years, and we have never had a regular sex life. Sometimes going 3-4 months without. We don't every fight about sex, we have talked about it once. He was talking with his boss and they had come to believe (which could be totally accurate) that couples who don't have sex regularly are destine to fail, by one or both involved cheating. I have been cheated on so many times I could never put him through the emotions that come from that. Also I honestly believe he wouldn't cheat either. 
So my question is, Is it true that if you stop having sex for a long period of time your body will no longer produce the chemicals that get you all fired up?
Sex is natural and I don't understand why I have such a hard time getting him to give me a little. He didn't have any sexual interactions at all for almost 2 years and I wonder if there is some truth to the Blued Question. If there is something that you know that could help me please!!
Thank you in advance:wink2:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This thread right here...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

Has a ton of information, advice, personal stories.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If he did not have any sexual interaction for 2 years before you met, and he isn't having much sex with you while you are together, then he isn't all that motivated to have sex. Period. Full stop.

If you are asking "what can I do to get him more interested in having sex with me?", the most likely answer to that question is "nothing". You might be able to get him, begrudgingly, to "service" you more often. But you will likely never get him to want to or to want to very often. Most likely he will feel more and more pressured and you will feel more and more ugly, frustrated, and resentful.

I know that is not what you want to hear. You want the "magic wand" you can wave and fill him with the passion you wish he felt toward you. That magic wand does not exist. Neither does the passion. At least not in him. You can get the passion you want. But most likely you will have to divorce him to get it. I know that is not what you want. All I can say is that the Rolling Stones were correct.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Does he take any medication?

Some anti-depressants can kill the sex drive.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I have been with my SO for just over 2 years, and we have never had a regular sex life. Sometimes going 3-4 months without. We don't every fight about sex, we have talked about it once. He was talking with his boss and they had come to believe (which could be totally accurate) that couples who don't have sex regularly are destine to fail, by one or both involved cheating. I have been cheated on so many times I could never put him through the emotions that come from that. Also I honestly believe he wouldn't cheat either.
> So my question is, Is it true that if you stop having sex for a long period of time your body will no longer produce the chemicals that get you all fired up?
> Sex is natural and I don't understand why I have such a hard time getting him to give me a little. He didn't have any sexual interactions at all for almost 2 years and I wonder if there is some truth to the Blued Question. If there is something that you know that could help me please!!
> Thank you in advance:wink2:


Unless there's some ED or other medical problem, it would be a huge red flag to me if I was with someone and we weren't having regular sex. At 2 yrs, you guys should still be on that initial romantic endorphin high and having a lot of sex.

If he went without sex for two years, and wasn't crazy jumping your bones when you two first got together, he may be asexual or he may have some hormonal imbalance.

And the thing about relationships failing without regular sex? It doesn't guarantee that the relationship will fail, if both people are asexual or LD, and are ok with the infrequency. Otherwise, yes, sex is a very important component to a healthy relationship for most people, and a lack of it will likely cause a relationship to fail, or leave one person super miserable for the life of the relationship, if it doesn't end.

But regarding your question in blue, NO. As far as I am aware, there is no physiological evidence that the body will stop producing those chemicals if you are abstinent long enough. He may not have been having sex, but I'll bet he was masturbating, which IS sexual.

The two of you don't have sex a lot, but does he masturbate regularly? There's a possibility that he's come to prefer masturbation to sex with a partner, if he's been celibate for a long period of time, and this is a type of sexual dysfunction. If this is the case, it likely won't go away on its own. You guys may need a sex therapist to fix this problem. And it may be a struggle, if he doesn't view it as a problem himself.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> If you are asking "what can I do to get him more interested in having sex with me?", the most likely answer to that question is "nothing".


Well, I might try the "pump him full of testosterone" option first.


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## [email protected] (Sep 8, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> Does he take any medication?
> 
> Some anti-depressants can kill the sex drive.


Yes he does, since his mother died 4 years ago. He has told me that he doesn't think he needs them any more on the psychological level, but his body is dependent on them and he is having a really hard time getting off them. His doctor is a real piece of work also, doesn't ask any questions when he goes in for his yearly check up, just renews the prescription. I told him he needs to tell Doc if he really wants to get off the pills.


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## [email protected] (Sep 8, 2017)

Buddy400 said:


> Well, I might try the "pump him full of testosterone" option first.


I'm not the best at initiating, but i have though about getting a sample of one of those sex pills, but then we're depending on a pill to get this done. But hey if he's willing I would be down. :grin2:


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> I'm not the best at initiating, but i have though about getting a sample of one of those sex pills, but then we're depending on a pill to get this done. But hey if he's willing I would be down. :grin2:


Viagra will help when he wants sex but is having plumbing problems.

If he has Low-T, he may not desire sex.

If he wants to work on the problem, get his T Levels checked.

If he doesn't want to work on the problem, then there is little hope.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Yes he does, since his mother died 4 years ago. He has told me that he doesn't think he needs them any more on the psychological level, but his body is dependent on them and he is having a really hard time getting off them. His doctor is a real piece of work also, doesn't ask any questions when he goes in for his yearly check up, just renews the prescription. I told him he needs to tell Doc if he really wants to get off the pills.


The two of you have been together for two years, and he was celibate for two years before that. The math adds up, so I'm inclined to think that there's a connection here.

If you want to see some movement on this, I think you'll need to push him on this. If his doctor is useless in this respect, he needs to find another doctor.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> I have been with my SO for just over 2 years, and we have never had a regular sex life. Sometimes going 3-4 months without. *We don't every fight about sex, we have talked about it once*.


If you have only talked about this ONCE, you have about 200 more conversations to have before you will start to know if this is something you can fix or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The fact that he was celibate for 2 years and then did not ravage you into a coma in the initial stages of your relationship and the fact that you have never had a regular sex life means this is who and what he is and it will likely only get worse as time goes on. 

If you had had an active and satisfying sex life previously but then something happened either medically or within your relationship that result in a significant change in someone's interest in sex, then it may be possible to fix the problem and restore a healthy sex life. 

But since this is always how he has always been and how your relationship has always been, then this is how it is. 

Some people are simply poor performers and duds in bed.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

People never stop growing, learning and evolving. So it's not impossible for him to realize some special connection with her, and have the sexual spark begin to catch, and the flames can grow from there. He is not a lost cause. It's kind of like when people have a bad breakup, and really, truly believe they can never love again, and then one day they meet someone that proves to them otherwise, and they fall deeper in love than they ever could have realized they were capable of...

However, you can't deny the connection with his mother dying 4 years ago, him getting on anti-deps, and then him having next to no sex for the next 4 years. I'd say step one, get off the meds because every day that he takes that pill, it's another direct connection to himself and the pain caused by his mother's passing. If he can kick the pills, he's way more likely to move on from his mother, and begin to rebuild his life. As said above, the magic wand doesn't exist, but if you two are truly in love, and you see it as worth it, start by weening him off the meds and help him move on. He may then realize the sheer importance of you to his life, may truly fall in love with you and may find that sexual spark that has been lying dormant for years. The thing with anti-deps is they blunt ALL emotions, not just sexual. So yeah, he may not feel deep sadness, but he won't feel euphoria either. He may not feel hate, but he won't feel true love either. At least not to his true potential. Once off the meds, he may be able to really, truly love you, because he is probably not loving you with everything he's got right now.

I'm curious if you two have ever discussed his sex life _before _his mother died. That will tell you a lot about his future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> I have been with my SO for just over 2 years, and we have never had a regular sex life. Sometimes going 3-4 months without. We don't every fight about sex, we have talked about it once. He was talking with his boss and they had come to believe (which could be totally accurate) that couples who don't have sex regularly are destine to fail, by one or both involved cheating. I have been cheated on so many times I could never put him through the emotions that come from that. Also I honestly believe he wouldn't cheat either.
> So my question is, Is it true that if you stop having sex for a long period of time your body will no longer produce the chemicals that get you all fired up?
> Sex is natural and I don't understand why I have such a hard time getting him to give me a little. He didn't have any sexual interactions at all for almost 2 years and I wonder if there is some truth to the Blued Question. If there is something that you know that could help me please!!
> Thank you in advance:wink2:


Yes, that's true. But probably not in the way you think.

If the two of you do not have sex, and non-sexual intimacy too, for some time then both of you will experience a huge decline in the production/uptake of oxytocin and other bonding hormones in your brain. It might happen to each of you at a different rate, but it will happen over time. If you start up your sex lift again, your brains will restart the production/uptake of oxytocin.

The way I read your post, it sounds like you think that if the oxytocin production/update drops off in your husband, as it seems to have done, that he will have no interest in other women and will not cheat. This is NOT TRUE.

The fact that his oxytocin levels are very low right now makes him MORE susceptible to cheat. Since he is not emotionally bound to you (lack of oxytocin) he is susceptible to meeting someone who he can 'fall in love with'. What happens is that he's in a depressed state right now. He meets some woman who starts interacting with him, even just friendly interacting. And then his brain start producing oxytocin, dopamine and a whole cocktail of goodies that make him feel high as a kite. We call that high as a kite feeling "in love".

He's extremely susceptible to cheating, more so than a guy normally would be. Where there is a void, the brain pushes us to fill it.

Read up on Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, falling in love and staying in love.


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## [email protected] (Sep 8, 2017)

I appreciate everyone for sending me helpful advice. This is my first time ever on one of these and I am grateful. I have a good idea on what my next step is. Thank you all!


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

How OLD are the two of you? I mean, are the two of you in your 60's? Nothing in your post indicated your ages.

I'm in my 40s. I'd like my sex at 2~4 times a week... it varies due to work, child, etc. I get irritated after a week. And guys will masterbate as long as his tool is functional.
It is odd and unfortunte that the two of you have not talked about these sex issues for over 4 years.


So:
- Does he masterbate or talk about sexual intrests?
- How old is he?

The following cause if he is a 20~40yr old male:
- Asexual = he simply doesn't care about sex. Nothing will change that.
- He is a closet homosexual.
- Medication is killing his sex drive. He cannot simply STOP taking his meds. That can put him in the hospital. Find a NEW doctor who will work with reducing meds. Over a death of a family member - depression is normal. Only a few temp meds are needed to help with the grief for 3~6 months. But years? No. That is medical abuse... Doctors get kick-backs for giving out prescriptions. 
- he is old
- He has very low T (testosterone) 

If he is not willing to resolve this problem... and you are unhappy. Then its time for you to exit.


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## Ahusband (Sep 10, 2017)

I believe and know that if you don't have sex with your SO the marriage will either fail or the other one will cheat. Seen it. Hell I almost did it but then just decided to take care of it myself. 

I am no expert but I don't think going a long time without sex would cause your body to no longer produce the chemicals to get you excited. But then again there are drugs like Viagra and stuff for men so I guess we loose it at some point. 

I have been married for 14 years and we have only had sex maybe once every 3 months our entire marriage. I couldn't even tell you why. Maybe he is one of those guys but that is not good. I know I want it all the time just not from her or I might look at porn or just don't want to mess with all that goes into having sex. 

Now my other friend has been married for 2 years just like and they have only had sex 2 times in the 2 years they were married. He is miserable and looks at porn all the time cause she has no desire at all but she is overweight etc. 

Is your husband maybe worried about disappointing you? Maybe in a past relationship someone said something mean to him about his man hood or actions. Could be anything.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> I
> So my question is, Is it true that if you stop having sex for a long period of time your body will no longer produce the chemicals that get you all fired up?
> :


It is actually worse than that. You no longer producce the oxytocin to make you horny for each other, but you still need that sort of bond....so the first guy that flirts with you....and it hits you like a sledgehammer, and you are off to the cheating races.

It is best if you do NOT take such a pause from marital sex!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This all by itself could be the problem. For some people, some anti-depressants completely kill their sex drive. Please find a doctor who is willing to work with him on this. 

There are of course other possible reasons, but this is a likely one, and the good news is that its one that can be fixed!



[email protected] said:


> Yes he does, since his mother died 4 years ago. He has told me that he doesn't think he needs them any more on the psychological level, but his body is dependent on them and he is having a really hard time getting off them. His doctor is a real piece of work also, doesn't ask any questions when he goes in for his yearly check up, just renews the prescription. I told him he needs to tell Doc if he really wants to get off the pills.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

When you have sex your body releases Oxytocin, a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child to give you some idea of how potent it is. Without it, you lose your emotional bond. It is one of those things where the more you have it, the more you want it and without it intimacy goes away as does sexual desire and emotional bonding. So yeah, sex is very important. Whenever my wife and I started to have sex less often we scheduled mandatory sex nights even if just to cuddle. After doing that a few times we ditched the sex nights and go spontaneous again due to Oxytocin. We also tried just about every fetish in the book to spice things up.

Personally I would not stay in a sexless marriage or marry someone not into sex like I am. No sex can also mean she is cheating. Sometimes they feel that having sex with their husband is cheating on the man she really loves, her new lover. Sometimes they just lose sexual interest with you. The first time my wife said that she did not want to have sex often I told her that it was OK but I assume that meant I could get sex from other women and she knew that was no idle threat. She came around fast.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

So how do you feel about the frequency? How often are you wanting it? I think it depends if one person is wanting it and not getting it (depending on the situation) they may look else where it is a possibility.



[email protected] said:


> I appreciate everyone for sending me helpful advice. This is my first time ever on one of these and I am grateful. I have a good idea on what my next step is. Thank you all!


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

[email protected] said:


> I have been with my SO for just over 2 years, and we have never had a regular sex life. Sometimes going 3-4 months without. We don't every fight about sex, we have talked about it once. He was talking with his boss and they had come to believe (which could be totally accurate) that couples who don't have sex regularly are destine to fail, by one or both involved cheating. I have been cheated on so many times I could never put him through the emotions that come from that. Also I honestly believe he wouldn't cheat either.
> 
> So my question is, Is it true that if you stop having sex for a long period of time your body will no longer produce the chemicals that get you all fired up?
> 
> ...




I'd first get blood test to check his Testosterone level, start there. 


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Ahusband said:


> I believe and know that if you don't have sex with your SO the marriage will either fail or the other one will cheat. Seen it. Hell I almost did it but then just decided to take care of it myself.
> 
> I have been married for 14 years and we have only had sex maybe once every 3 months our entire marriage. I couldn't even tell you why. Maybe he is one of those guys but that is not good. I know I want it all the time just not from her or I might look at porn or just don't want to mess with all that goes into having sex.
> 
> Now my other friend has been married for 2 years just like and they have only had sex 2 times in the 2 years they were married. He is miserable and looks at porn all the time cause she has no desire at all but she is overweight etc.


Sorry for the slight de-railment. But it may also show the OP that IF nothing is done - years, many many years of unhappyness.

Sex isn't that messy... okay, wash the sheets. Have a bed liner to protect the matress (with a cloth top so it doesn't feel/sound like plastic) but overall, it takes a few minutes to clean up. Once every 3 months for an entire marriage seems out of the norm. The other issue is your friend... two times in 2 years?! He's miserable? If he was my friend, I would tell him to divorce before they have kids. That it's gonna get worse, he's wasting his life. If he doesn't have kids with her, and decides to leave - that he DOESN'T have sex with her *WHEN* she tries to make him stay with sex. She may try to get pregnant. Since she has no desire and he is just living with it - why should she bother? She gets what she wants without any concerns with his feelings or sexual desires, and that is wrong. It would be different if the were both asexual or something.

OP (and others) resolve the sex problems before they get worse - they WILL not fix themselves on their own without active efforts on both of you.


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

I like the term "environment". Is your marriage in a sex favorable environment? The missus and I can go for a long time without sex because the environment is poor. Late nights, kids, appointments, stress, you name it.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Any chance he's gay?


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## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

TaDor said:


> Sorry for the slight de-railment. But it may also show the OP that IF nothing is done - years, many many years of unhappyness.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Be interesting to know how often the 2 times in 2 yr couple had sex prior to marriage. There is a story about putting a penny in a jar everytime you have sex in the first year and then a penny out every time after that first yr. The story goes on to say that you never empty the jar during the rest of your marriage..... 


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I must be odd.

going without for too long, makes me want to have sex more.

I do not like the dry spells.

but that is just me.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

It may make you horny, but your body/brain would get used to it. I've gone years without sex - it sucked. Then I learned how to go out and get it.


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## [email protected] (Sep 8, 2017)

TaDor said:


> How OLD are the two of you? I mean, are the two of you in your 60's? Nothing in your post indicated your ages.
> 
> Sorry He is 38 with 2 kids 10&14, and I am 36 with 2 kids 14&16. So the kids wiping us out, really is not so much. He is very sexual during the day when we literally can't make it happen. But then when we go to bed he is either on his phone till way past "bedtime 11:30" or passes out really early from a long hard day at work. I know he wants it but how do we get past this "shy/immature" thing that keeps us from being able to talk dirty without thinking the other will think we are being nasty.
> 
> Do guys ever find it nasty/trashy when their ole' lady is very open to talking dirty or other sex stuff?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Its hard for us to be inimate with a 4 year old around. For guys - during the day is generally better.

Put a lock on the door and tell the kids (mommy and daddy need alone time). Go out on date night every weekend, starting now. Your 14/16yr old can watch the 10yr old just fine.

Seriously, get a cheap hotel/motel for the night - then go out and dance, drink, date. Leave at 3~5pm... don't come back until Sunday at 12 or so.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sex is truly the hallmark of any great emotional marital relationship!

The person who simply treats sex as a game absolutely does not deserve to be married!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, that's true. But probably not in the way you think.
> 
> If the two of you do not have sex, and non-sexual intimacy too, for some time then both of you will experience a huge decline in the production/uptake of oxytocin and other bonding hormones in your brain. It might happen to each of you at a different rate, but it will happen over time. If you start up your sex lift again, your brains will restart the production/uptake of oxytocin.
> 
> ...


On oxytocin. Some academics in Germany want to give 'this' compound to it's male citizens. Read the reason why. Wow!

Study: People Can Accept Refugees | The Daily Caller


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> Do guys ever find it nasty/trashy when their ole' lady is very open to talking dirty or other sex stuff?


That is a question that seems to reflect that you struggle with your self esteem should you initiate that type of playfulness and then have your husband rebuff your effort as unwanted. 

Set your self esteem aside for just a moment (although that is very important to be confident), and try to appreciate that everyone may function differently in how they enjoy sex. Some people like to close their eyes and enjoy feeling how their body responds to their partner's touch, kind of like a sexual meditation of sensations. If this is how your husband is, any talking clean or dirty will be very distracting and prevent him from enjoying himself. Other people enjoy role play and pretending to be interesting characters with a partner as a way to experience something new and exciting. If this is how your husband is, he may have trouble experiencing pleasure if there is just silence, as in he would want you talking as that would be what stimulates him. 

So take a moment to reflect on how talking during foreplay and sex could have two completely different impacts on your partner depending on their personality type for sex. Neither reaction should have any impact on your self esteem as long as you understand your partner's needs. Just because your husband may react one way or another to dirty talk has much more to do with his personality than your ability to speak confidently. 

Asking other people if there is a way to get past it, avoids acknowledging that your husband may just be who he is. Trying to change that will only lead to frustration. 

If he does not like dirty talk, and he is more focused on sensations, he may very well react very strongly to erotic sounds. As sounds would help convey to him what you are feeling. So next time you feel inclined to talk dirty, just get close to his ear and let him hear you breathing heavily with desire (without saying anything). See if that works?

If not, he may just be exhausted from a long day. Try to appreciate that as well...

Badsanta


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

[email protected] said:


> I have been with my SO for just over 2 years, and we have never had a regular sex life. Sometimes going 3-4 months without. We don't every fight about sex, we have talked about it once. He was talking with his boss and they had come to believe (which could be totally accurate) that couples who don't have sex regularly are destine to fail, by one or both involved cheating. I have been cheated on so many times I could never put him through the emotions that come from that. Also I honestly believe he wouldn't cheat either.
> 
> So my question is, Is it true that if you stop having sex for a long period of time your body will no longer produce the chemicals that get you all fired up?
> 
> ...




You sure he isn't gay? 


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