# Head is a mess!



## Poppy80 (Jun 19, 2012)

I've fallen out of love with my husband, i have been feeling this way for over a year now he let me down is such a way i can never or will never get over and now everything he does i see as a let down from him, I also know i wont leave him as we have a young daughter and i dont want to bring her up on my own, We do not row so it not like she is in a bad family home, i just dont know how to get that spark back or want to spend any time with him, We have been together 9 years and thought maybe it was a patch that you go through but im feeling nothing for him now and only getting worse


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Have either of you been to Marriage counseling? Individual counseling? If you don't mind me asking... exactly HOW did your husband let you down?


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## Poppy80 (Jun 19, 2012)

We did have a appointment with relate and he cancelled that day due to work (even tho it was booked 3 weeks before)

In how i felt he let me down is when out daughter was a year old i fell pregnant again (we was defo not trying and i was on the pill) Our daughter has not been easy and still does not sleep now so we knew we didnt want another child but my husband see it as my problem and left me to do it all on my own as well as still look after the house, children and go to work myself, i just started to see that he dont ever think about how i might feel or even care, i have never really needed him to look after me but this time i did and feel he should have wanted to, dont help that i did ask him to book the day off not to come with me but to look after our daughter and yet he still said no. I dont know how to let it go and always feel i can never rely on him to make me feel good or to look after me the way i need.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Looks like you may just have to try for IC (Individual counseling) if your H can't seem to make it to mc. Also looks like you two have a serious communication problem and he may be taking you for granted. Do you ever go out and do things when your home? Ever have any date nights or anything? Any hobbies you do in your spare time?


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## Poppy80 (Jun 19, 2012)

I have tried to talk to him so many times about the way he makes me feel and at the time he always says the right thing and understands what im saying untill the time comes when i need him and once again im left feeling let down, we use to do so much together but now everything is about our daughter and we both work different hours now (due to our daughter) so never at home in the evenings and weekends are for his sport, i feel that as im not going to leave him i should just shut up and put up but its so hard to switch off this horrid feeling, he is such a good dad just a rubbish selfish husband.


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

I am sorry you find yourself here and feeling so badly. I think you may be feeling a lot of resentment, anger and disappointment. Just like you, I had been left to deal with things on my own after an unplanned pregnancy. I felt a lot of things and none of them were good. I finally realized if I waited for him to help I'd be waiting a very long time.  At that point I went to IC to deal with my pain and my own issues. I strongly suggest IC for you Poppy80.


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## Poppy80 (Jun 19, 2012)

Thank you Lastdance, i really am going to have to try something on my own, cant keep feeling like this, i have never heard of IC so this helps alot already.


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

IC = individual counseling. Sorry Poppy, I've been here less than a month and I'm already using the short hand found here. There is a link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

The list has "most" of the abbreviations. You'll need to scroll down a bit to find the list. It is a very long, but very informative, thread. It is found in the very first post.

You are looking for some kind of closure, maybe? Might be asking yourself, "Why?" a lot. "Why is he not helping me?" or "Why doesn't he care?" maybe even "Why doesn't he get it?" I don't think hubby is able or willing to give you those answers. He may not know himself since he may not have done any work to figure them out. 

You need to work on this with a counselor to sort out the mess in your head. IMHO I know I have had to do the work myself. And ya know, that's okay. I'm worth the time and work it takes. And ya know what else? So are you hun. 

Hang in there Poppy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Poppy, I'm sad to hear that you're stuck on how he let you down so badly that you're daughter is going to be raised in a loveless marriage. 

At least, that's how it sounds to me. 

You guys *can* get over it, but it might mean that you have to learn how to get what you want and need from him. Obviously, asking for it doesn't work. 

Instead of asking, try making a simple statement: "This Saturday, I'm going to XYZ, and you'll need to watch our daughter or hire a sitter. Which do you prefer?" 

It may help you to realize he probably doesn't realize how his behavior affects you. Even if you describe it to him, it's not something he can relate to, so it doesn't really register that it is "THAT" important. 

I've found that there are a lot of men who just don't work in words, but who work fine when action takes place. The problem is that women tend to avoid action until they have their partner's buy-in, while the guys often don't bother giving that buy-in. 

Expect your guy to resist the sudden change at first. That's natural when something happens that we don't expect and is clearly a game changer. But when you want him to do something, try taking the dominant stance and just telling him where to be and when. You won't always get your way, but it'll start him listening, I bet.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Poppy, you have gotten some great advice so far. Just think, not too long ago women had to raise the babies, clean the house, and do everything to keep marriages together. My father has NEVER even changed a diaper. Super duper old school. 

Look again at your first post. You said you wouldn't leave him because you do not want to raise a child on your own. In reality, you already ARE doing this on your own. You are stronger than you think. You feel betrayed by the ONE person who is never supposed to leave you twisting in the wind. Resentment is like a cancer and the more you don't treat it, the bigger it grows. It sounds like you have been left behind by your husband while he is in the same house. I can't believe how common this is these days, both men and women. 

These days women do not want to "go it alone" especially if they have a husband. I think that it's better for everyone, especially for the child, if the father plays a very active roll in their upbringing. I'm talking wiping snotty noses, cleaning explosive poop, feeding and rocking the baby at 3 in the morning. 

Your resentment, disappointment, and anger towards your husband is very real. How can you have loving feelings for someone you feel is letting you down? I personally do not think you have fallen out of love with him . . . . YET. I think you want to rip his lazy arms off and beat him with them. 

At this point I am thinking your hubby only hears white noise and feels you are nagging him. Sounds like he has shut you out. Perhaps he thinks taking care of the baby, house, him, etc. is your job because you are a woman. Who knows what is going on in his head. And if he won't open up and work with you instead of against you, you are gonna snap.

Individual counseling is great, but for some it is hard to find and sometimes too expensive. So you are left to flail all by yourself, drowning in resentment. We gotta fix this. Keep coming here and ranting. Don't worry about people getting sick of you talking about the same subject over and over. You need an outlet, use this forum for that. It does help, I can attest to that.


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## Poppy80 (Jun 19, 2012)

Still crying rivers  thank you all for the lovely and good advise. We did try mc but I'm still very angry and bitter at my husband. We are having a last make or break holiday at the end of this month.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Glad to have an update poppy. Hang in there. I hope things take a turn for the better for you.


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## Poppy80 (Jun 19, 2012)

Do you think you can ever fall back in love ? I've wanted that feeling back so much yet he is not the man I did fall in love with, I love my husband but think that is due to being together for so long, is it ok not to have the butterfly or even find them attracted?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yes that is ok. It happens.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Poppy, I can relate to your situation. My H is kind of the same way, and I have a lot of resentment built up about it. I suggested MC and he said he didn't think it would help because he didn't know any other way to be. I'm hoping our recent fight and long talk has woken him up a little bit, but only time will tell. I don't know what to do either, since we have a young son and I guess I just have to make the best of it. Keep us posted on how your situation is going, and I hope it gets better for you one way or the other.


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## Poppy80 (Jun 19, 2012)

Awww mace17 it is so sad to be made to feel that way and like me I hope you do find a way to bring you together. The mc did help me but not so much him. I don't think he liked to admit what happened was wrong and he just wants to move on from it all. I'm still finding it hard and do think about it more than I think I should and find myself hating on him for little things now, I'm going to be changing my job in a few weeks so me being at home more in the evening should help. I think you will and should try everything to make it work before giving up. All the best to you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

There are hundreds of threads about wives falling out of love with their husbands on this forum alone. VERY few about falling back in love once it happens. Sorry. Get ready for that realization after your vacation. 

You are a walk-away-wife. Google it.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Poppy, don't give up just yet. Sometimes resentment and miscommunication compound so much over time that all you can think about is how upset and disappointed you are with your partner. Once you start working on things (especially with your partner's cooperation), you may uncover and revitalize the feelings. It's not always the case, but you won't know whether the feelings are just buried until you try. I agree with everyone about MC and IC. Once things get really off track in a relationship, you often need the help of a therapist to set things to rights. At the very least, it greatly improves your chances.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> Poppy, don't give up just yet. Sometimes resentment and miscommunication compound so much over time that all you can think about is how upset and disappointed you are with your partner. Once you start working on things (especially with your partner's cooperation), you may uncover and revitalize the feelings. It's not always the case, but you won't know whether the feelings are just buried until you try. I agree with everyone about MC and IC. Once things get really off track in a relationship, you often need the help of a therapist to set things to rights. At the very least, it greatly improves your chances.


People are focused on the resentments and points of pain, perhaps their not so fixed in their mind that they can be focused to something else.

Some are fixed in their mind and it's up to you to determine this.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Poppy80 said:


> Awww mace17 it is so sad to be made to feel that way and like me I hope you do find a way to bring you together. The mc did help me but not so much him. I don't think he liked to admit what happened was wrong and he just wants to move on from it all. I'm still finding it hard and do think about it more than I think I should and find myself hating on him for little things now, I'm going to be changing my job in a few weeks so me being at home more in the evening should help. I think you will and should try everything to make it work before giving up. All the best to you.


Thank you and I'm trying. I suggested MC and he didn't say no, but he didn't think he'd be able to learn anything new at this point. I don't want to give up, but if I see evidence it's affecting my son in a negative way I'll be out in a heartbeat. I don't care about me anymore, just want to do what's right for him.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

MrK said:


> There are hundreds of threads about wives falling out of love with their husbands on this forum alone. VERY few about falling back in love once it happens. Sorry. Get ready for that realization after your vacation.
> 
> You are a walk-away-wife. Google it.


Walk-away-wife? She hasn't walked away yet, trying to figure out the best thing to do for her family just like me. Don't judge people just because you don't understand them.


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