# Question for former waywards.



## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I have respect for those who come here and help those like me who are lost in this jungle called marriage. I have a question about some things I heard my WW said. I heard my WW say some very mean things about me and some of the things were outright lies. Like how bad I treated her and screaming at her. (I have never raised my voice to her at anytime in our relationship.)
Ok my question is did you ever say bad things to the OP about your spouse that was not true? and if you did was there a reason you said what you said? I am still trying to find out why. 
Thanks XB


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

X-Betaman said:


> I have respect for those who come here and help those like me who are lost in this jungle called marriage. I have a question about some things I heard my WW said. I heard my WW say some very mean things about me and some of the things were outright lies. Like how bad I treated her and screaming at her. (I have never raised my voice to her at anytime in our relationship.)
> Ok my question is did you ever say bad things to the OP about your spouse that was not true? and if you did was there a reason you said what you said? I am still trying to find out why.
> Thanks XB


XB I have discussed this with you

Your STBX is a coward

She says lies about you to make you the bad guy to justify her cheating period.Don't try to understand it don't personalize it.

It's not about you . It's all about her.

55


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I was never mentioned by either wife when they stepped out, first wife was all about fvcking her gym buddies, current wife, well, she was too wrapped up in rekindling the old flame from HS, I was so rather insignificant 

Guess what?

Like I give a s4!t, and you shouldn't either.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

X-Betaman said:


> I have respect for those who come here and help those like me who are lost in this jungle called marriage. I have a question about some things I heard my WW said. I heard my WW say some very mean things about me and some of the things were outright lies. Like how bad I treated her and screaming at her. (I have never raised my voice to her at anytime in our relationship.)
> Ok my question is did you ever say bad things to the OP about your spouse that was not true? and if you did was there a reason you said what you said? I am still trying to find out why.
> Thanks XB


X, they pretty much all do it; men and women waywards alike. They have to demonize their spouses (to themselves and their APs) in order to somehow reconcile in their minds that what they're doing is okay. Typical history rewriting. It's textbook.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

3putt said:


> X, they pretty much all do it; men and women waywards alike. They have to demonize their spouses (to themselves and their APs) in order to somehow reconcile in their minds that what they're doing is okay. Typical history rewriting. It's textbook.


I mostly agree, but I think that they think they are telling the truth. They are not reporting on what actually was said, they are instead saying what they think they heard or wish they'd heard.

A typical example is a spouse speaking firmly and seriously is often heard as "yelling".

Huming beens is complykated.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

I never spoke ill of Dig to the xOM. However, having an affair I'm sure he knew I wasn't happy even though that was my fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> I mostly agree, but I think that they think they are telling the truth. They are not reporting on what actually was said, they are instead saying what they think they heard or wish they'd heard.
> 
> A typical example is a spouse speaking firmly and seriously is often heard as "yelling".
> 
> Huming beens is complykated.


George Costanza did say it best, didn't he?

_*It's not a lie if you believe it*_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I mostly agree, but I think that they think they are telling the truth. They are not reporting on what actually was said, they are instead saying what they think they heard or wish they'd heard.
> 
> *A typical example is a spouse speaking firmly and seriously is often heard as "yelling".*
> 
> Huming beens is complykated.


Anything said in an authoritative tone, or using authoritative language, could be interpreted as "yelling," especially to a person who feels they have less power in the relationship.

And it might be more helpful, instead of arguing about who was yelling, to ask why it happened in the first place, and how the person who was "yelled" at, felt about it.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Something I learned from my snooping phase was that much like a cheater lies to their spouse during the affair, to protect their ignorance of the affair, they also lie to the affair partner, to maintain the affair.

If insulting you to their affair partner is necessary to convince the other person that it's a crappy marriage and they should feel sympathy, that's what a cheater will do.

My ex would say all kinds of things about how horrible the evening had been, how I yelled and screamed, and how I was so mean and played my music too loud, etc etc, when really it had been just the awkward silence of us being in different rooms.

Cheaters feed everybody lies. Including themselves.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

All WS will paint the BS in a bad light, they have to in order to justify what they are doing. Do you really think the WS is going to tell the OP that their spouse is the nicest/kindest person who they love with all there heart right before the jump between the sheets with the OP. 

Kind of mood killer don’t you think?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Outright lies? No. Focus more on the less desirable things in the marriage? Yes. Downplay the positives? Absolutely. All of these add up, together, to paint the spouse in a bad light, even if the things WERE truth.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I always hesitate to answer these types of questions. As a former WS, responding to this type of thread is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of scenario. But, I'm going to answer because I believe this is how a forum designed like this should work. And, because I think that X-Betaman is such a good and decent man that he deserves as much input as he can get. 

I never demonized my husband to my AP. Warlock asked me this exact same question in July, 2012, on B1's original thread. I didn't speak negatively of B1, at all. I remember one very specific time that the AP (who was always very consumed with guilt, throughout the course of our A,...... but, obviously, not enough to stop, I know) said, "You know, it would help me if you could say something bad about him." I said, "I can't and I never will." Because, the truth was, I simply thought that B1 did not love me. I knew that he wanted to "keep me," but I thought that it was because he needed a "roommate, household manager, cook, nanny, accountant, etc." At times, I almost felt like he wanted to keep me so that I would have to be as miserable as he seemed determined to be. He blamed me for his misery so much that I started blaming myself. We had both been so depressed and unhappy for such a long time. But, I wanted for us to work on ourselves and on our marriage. I wanted for us to, once again, be happy together. I spent a year and a half in IC, working on me, and encouraging him to work on himself. The more I tried to fix me/us, the more distant, even hostile, he became. I finally accepted that he was miserable and that it must be my fault. But, I could not accept his insistence that I should spend the rest of my life wallowing in misery with him. But, still, I did believe that he was broken and that it was my fault. Other than stating the fact that I did not believe that he loved me, I did not say anything else about him that could be construed as "bad."


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Question for former waywards.pp*



3putt said:


> X, they pretty much all do it; men and women waywards alike. They have to demonize their spouses (to themselves and their APs) in order to somehow reconcile in their minds that what they're doing is okay. Typical history rewriting. It's textbook.


This is 100% the truth. My x vilified her first husband. Would tell me he threatened her, was controlling, anger issues....all these things I believed and wanted to rescue her from this terrible d bag. 

Well 12 years guess what...now she has told her family and our friends the same lies about me. No one believes her anymore but her mother...another piece of work lol

I think this goes into the justifying behavior cheaters have. They can't accept responsibility for what they did wrong. So they have to try and play the victim role


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know what I find interesting?

Regret, EI and I are the three that are actual Disloyal Spouses who answered and all three of us have the exact same answer, but those who are not Disloyal also all write the exact same answer. 

I never said anything to my AP about my Dear Hubby. I did not talk down about him because I didn't talk about him at all. I did not "act married" or bring him up, and my AP did not ask me if I was married. I think he assumed I was not married and I did not want the A to end, so I didn't bring it up. Omission.

If he had brought it up, I agree with EI--I would have said something to the effect that "... he doesn't care if I'm alive or dead and doesn't notice if I dance naked beside him and set my self on fire" because that is EXACTLY how it felt to me at the time. Dear Hubby was oblivious to me and AP was actively INTERESTED.

So I'm not sure why some Disloyals say vicious things about their Loyal, but maybe one component of being the kind of person who *can* reconcile is that we don't talk bad about our spouses... (shrug). I think it does show the condition of the heart to some degree, don't you?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Off topic, but I have the right audience here.

Regret214, EI and Affaircare

I just want to let you know that I appreciate that you and other FWWs still post here.

I know we former BS's and current BS's can be rough on you sometimes.

Many of you get verbal barbs time and time again. Even when the OP specifically asks for your opinions.

Despite this you continue to post here. Many times to help a new BS try to understand what their WS was/is thinking.

I actually tried to PM one of you tonight, but her PM was turned off. I think I know why.

Thank you all. I may not always agree with, or even like what you had posted, but I was always grateful that you did. I tip my hat to you.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Off topic, but I have the right audience here.
> 
> Regret214, EI and Affaircare
> 
> ...


Thank you, very much. That actually helps a lot. I don't think most of us FWWs are as tough as you guys think we are. But, we almost have to become resilient. Perhaps, posting here is an "extension" of a desire to make amends. I truly hope that my presence here helps more than it hurts.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree: 

In real life, I'm not as resilient as I may come off publicly here. In my private life, I can't tell you how many times I've cried or been angered by ... well what was written. BUT I honestly think continuing to stay and continuing to reply helps people, and I honestly do consider "the source" when a response is particularly harsh and figure people are just REALLY hurting.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

my x had an emotional affair two years before she had her physical affair and I did not even know what was going on I just knew her behaviour was funny. Then when I saw her behaviour was funny, I confronted her on what was going on and to my surprise she brought up stuff that I did 20 years ago. I was shocked - what difference did that make now? Since then I learned it was her way of justifying what she was up to. They all do it. They all have to to live with themselves.


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> Regret, EI and I are the three that are actual Disloyal Spouses who answered and all three of us have the exact same answer, but those who are not Disloyal also all write the exact same answer.


In my reading lately I came across a couple stories in which a wandering spouse (wives in the two cases I am thinking of) did lie flagrantly about the loyal spouse to the other man--I mean, outright, wholesale fiction.

Both were trying to account for it from a perspective of hindsight and remorse. As best I recall what they said was as follows:

One said she was in the affair for emotional needs--ego kibble--more than for physical sex, and she would say anything she needed to to keep the kibble coming.

Another said she would say anything that would heighten a sense of drama and a focus on her from the OM.

In both cases, it seems the lies about the husband had absolutely nothing to do with the husband. Nothing at all. Neither of these women believed what they were saying even at the time they were saying it. The lies weren't about justification. They also weren't truly held but false beliefs. They were just lies. 

These two women sound like they had just gotten to a place where they would say anything at all that would get them the emotional fix they needed.

Take it for what it's worth.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Some (maybe most) wayward spouse can't compartmentalize so the mechanism is to justify the affair by means of rewetting the marital history and detaching/distancing making there betrayed spouse out to be the bad person to ease their guilt.

although I am not sure how this fits with EI, Regret, affair care, and Mrs Adams;
did they compartmentalize?

I too appreciate their input so much on TAM
I used to be sooooo envious of them because I wanted my ww to be like them, now that she is doing the bevy lifting i feel much better.


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## danger_mouse (Apr 21, 2014)

Nope, I never did that, free kitty on the side was told straight off the bat, this it take it or leave it. Some even found great appeal in my openness but also found it rather strange that I didn't want to chase them all over town for a [email protected]

The only one that mattered knew exactly from first hand experience what my W was like.

Bless her, she even found out how violent the W could be too when we got caught


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## musashi (Apr 10, 2014)

No. I had (ended about 1.5 month ago) what I would consider an intense EA and light PA (first occasion touching over clothes second occasion kissing and touching under shirt) affair that lasted 9-10 months. In some ways I think it's still going on. 

I did not hate my W. Had no anger etc. Yes we had problems here and there but nothing major. Never slept on the couch. Never discussed separation divorce. Never called each other names out of anger. Never regretted marriage. In the 23 years we have been together an affair was so far off the radar I couldn't spell it. For us, we neglected each other and the marriage over the years. 

Personally, I'm still trying to figure out how it happened and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. I know people will call me every name in the book, hate my guts etc. but I'm trying to learn from this. As I've gotten older, and especially in my line of work I have come to learn the world and life is never as black and white as we want or think it should be. People, even good ones, are capable of many things that would not only shock and disappoint their family and friends but also themselves.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I did not see this thread until just now.
> 
> I never said anything bad about my husband to the om...as a matter of fact...I don't recall we talked about him. Perhaps if we had...I would not have agreed to meet him. I remember telling him I wasn't happy...I was not happy in my marriage...but i did not criticize my husband.


Sorry Mrs. John A....I do not mean to be critical but when a woman says to another man "I am not happy in my marriage" it signals to the guy that you are obviously not happy with your husband and thus the door is open. You knew the OM would pick up on it. So you did so (criticize your husband) but indirectly. 
Just by be willing to pursue the affair, you are insulting your husband to the point he means nothing.

The reason why it hits me is because my ex said "we were not technically married at the time because we did not sleep together for some time (her choice)." so she set up the perfect scenario whereby she could cheat. Oddly, she never told me we were not married or I would have kicked her butt to the curb!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I never said you did what my ex did - was just pointing out the inherent delusions one having an affair has. 

My point being, you do not have an affair without there being some undercurrent of negativity towards the unknowing spouse. Knowing that you insulted your husband (admittedly so), you inherently "said" bad things about your spouse. I would also note that saying you did not plan to have an affair is not accurate as well, At some point, yes you did plan to have an affair or it would not have happened. I am not saying this to create any controversy but I know affairs flourish in the dark and they will happen again if we do not fetch ourselves up sharply and be clear about what happened. So at some point, you did plan to have an affair....not initially but at some point...or else it would not have happened. Again, not to be harsh but be truthful.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

One thing I am noting of interest: 

Of the six Disloyals who have replied on this thread(Regret, EI, MrsAdams, danger_mouse , musashi and myself), all six have said they didn't trash-talk their spouse to the Other Person [I am paraphrasing]. 

But from my own experience, I know for a fact my exH trash-talked about me to his wistress, and I have known thousands of couples impacted by affairs and many of them had Disloyals who also trash-talked their spouse to the OP, most likely for the exact reasons already mentioned in this thread: re-writing marital history and making the Loyal out to be the bad guy to justify their actions. 

Here's my "AH HA" moment though: I wonder if there is a connection between likelihood of reconciliation and trash-talking or not trash-talking. Like.... if they trash-talked their spouse to the AP the likelihood is 1%, but if they didn't trash-talk their spouse to the AP the possibility increases to 20%.... or something.

That would be a really interesting thing to find out!!!!


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I respect your opinion. Thank you for sharing.


As always, you present yourself as the classy matriarch of our "boys clubhouse". 

And I agree with you, there is not always a negative undertone towards your spouse. Often times though our egos don't want to hear it, our partners affairs really had very little to do with us at all.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Here's my "AH HA" moment though: I wonder if there is a connection between likelihood of reconciliation and trash-talking or not trash-talking. Like.... if they trash-talked their spouse to the AP the likelihood is 1%, but if they didn't trash-talk their spouse to the AP the possibility increases to 20%.... or something.


Did you delete a post on this thread? I was going to reply with that observation to a post you made but couldn't find it - the WS's posting on this thread are all ones who reconciled. I think had they trash talked and been caught, it would have burned the chances of reconciliation.

Given the large number of BS's posting about hearing that their WS trashed them, we know it is happening. Often it's caught on a VAR, or the wingmen/wingwomen talk about it afterwards.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I respect your opinion. Thank you for sharing.


Someone beat me to the punch but I've said it before, you are one classy fox MJA. Someone I could learn from...


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> > Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
> > Here's my "AH HA" moment though: I wonder if there is a connection between likelihood of reconciliation and trash-talking or not trash-talking. Like.... if they trash-talked their spouse to the AP the likelihood is 1%, but if they didn't trash-talk their spouse to the AP the possibility increases to 20%.... or something.
> > Did you delete a post on this thread? I was going to reply with that observation to a post you made but couldn't find it - the WS's posting on this thread are all ones who reconciled. I think had they trash talked and been caught, it would have burned the chances of reconciliation.
> 
> ...



I can see how this could be true. 

The trash-talking is such a mind-fvck to get over. It's not only damaging to the marriage but to the existential relationships derived from that marriage. 

I am reconciling atm but this is something we struggle with and I strive to understand. That is actually proving to be easier than mending the other relationships (such as with my in-laws) that were broken as a result of his trash-talking and betrayal. 

I loved him on his own but something that also bound us together was the package of family that he brought to the table. I loved them all too. So when loyalties were divided by all of this, a lot of damage was done


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I see a difference between real trash-talking (which it sounds like X-Betaman was a victim of), and being cast in a bad light (which I and many others were a victim of), either directly or indirectly.

"He doesn't communicate with me." I don't consider this to be trash talking, but it still clearly showed that I was seen as lacking something as a husband, and by implied comparison the AP was justified in filling in.

Indirect: "I'm not happy in my marriage." Presumably not because she was dissatisfied with the color of the house. Implied: My H is making me unhappy, and I don't deserve to be. Therefore I do deserve what AP makes me feel.

It's all bad.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> I doubt you ever have a situation where the ws is saying to the om, my husband is so wonderful, sexy and meets all my needs, by the way, let's go fvck:scratchhead:


Exactly. 

I do believe EI, AC and MJA about not having trash-talked their spouses. I think some people don't and they manage to compartmentalize in their affairs and keep the issues separate. In AC's case, she portrayed herself as single so it makes sense that she wouldn't need to trash-talk a spouse or bring him up at all. In my case, he admitted he wasn't single and just told everyone and their pet hamsters how horrible I was in every way imaginable. 

I don't think my spouse was capable of it. He "had" to turn me into the devil, not just to others but most of all for himself. Had he not set out to see me in a bad light (and he admitted he did) he wouldn't of cheated. The man has had ample opportunity to cheat on me before actually cheating but I "know" (I know you can never really know) that he didn't. However I just don't see it. 

When he was cheating and prior to, he is the one that changed. I wouldn't have been with a man so mean had that been his typical behaviour. So that's why I just don't think he strayed before or could without demonizing me to himself in every way possible.

In reality the biggest "b!tch" I have ever been to him was during our separation. I was angry and hurting and would lash out at him, so was definitely not pleasant for him to be around and the best he could hope for from me was my indifference at that time. Yet, that's when his love for me _"magically" _ came back... I don't quite understand it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I remember telling him I wasn't happy...I was not happy in my marriage...but i did not criticize my husband.


I hate to say it, Mrs JA, but this might have been all Professor Scumface needed to hear.

You don't have to bad-mouth your spouse directly in order to convey to a predator (or even to a non-predatory "friend") that you have a vulnerability that can be exploited.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> agreed my friend...you are absolutely correct. I am to blame.


You know that wasn't my intent, right?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

During my wife's EA with "Keith" she said they had a lot of conversations that started out with "I love Philat but..." The "buts" gave Keith (not a predator by any means) a roadmap into her heart.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The chat logs that I pulled from Mrs. Gus' FB accounts were peppered w/ comments such as...

"...he's a good man..."

"...I don't want to hurt him..."

"...he doesn't deserve this..."

Much of the conversations appeared to have been deleted so, if she ever mentioned me in any other way, I didn't see it. I could probably retrieve them from backups, but I really don't want to read through all that sh*t again.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> The chat logs that I pulled from Mrs. Gus' FB accounts were peppered w/ comments such as...
> 
> "...he's a good man..."
> 
> ...


Sorry, Gus, but just to be sure: Is this Mrs. Gus the current Mrs. Gus?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Philat said:


> Sorry, Gus, but just to be sure: Is this Mrs. Gus the current Mrs. Gus?


Yep.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

You guys are good now, apparently. Glad to know this if true.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*To perpetrate lies and half-truth's about their spouse only gives the wayward's a broader sense of false justification and entitlement to empathize with their new love interest, thereby better laying the foundation to make and keep the newfound relationship as physical and emotional as possible!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Philat said:


> You guys are good now, apparently. Glad to know this if true.


Mostly, yes. We still talk about it, though not _terribly_ often. It's always very calm, civil, and matter-of-fact. I'd say that, overall, we're much closer than we were before. Sucks that it took something so painful to bring about a change.

Having said that, I can't deny my own fault in things. It's often said here in CWI that the responsibility for the overall health of a marriage -- at any given point in the marriage -- lies w/ both spouses. This would seem to imply a 50/50 split; in our case it was more like 60(me)/40(her).

I wasn't doing all that I could or should have been. I was neglectful of her at an emotional level. I *never* failed to provide, and I *never* failed to say -- and mean -- "I love you" (multiple times a day), but I wasn't doing enough.

Reality came crashing down in a very devastating way.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Reality came crashing down in a very devastating way.


You know we're listening if you feel the need to talk, Gus.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> MT...i am so sorry for your devastating pain...god the things we do and say to each other.


Thanks MJA. I actually have had an easier time dealing with the trash-talk and rewriting of history that he did and forgiving that. The consequences - the way it's torn up our extended familial relationships though is another can of worms to me. Part of me forgives... the other part is "Good God. How did you not see what it would do to us?" when it comes to that. It divided the family and our relationships with them of us and they're still not whole again.

The other ill feelings are towards them (his mom and siblings) for being foolish enough to believe in any of it. I know blood is thicker than water but I hoped the nine years I spent building relationships with them would've counted for something... it would've to me.

I hope that with time we can all move past it but right now I'm not so sure. Spent time up at the cottage with them this weekend. It was nice but awkward and difficult all the same.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> Exactly.
> 
> I do believe EI, AC and MJA about not having trash-talked their spouses. I think some people don't and they manage to compartmentalize in their affairs and keep the issues separate. In AC's case, she portrayed herself as single so it makes sense that she wouldn't need to trash-talk a spouse or bring him up at all. In my case, he admitted he wasn't single and just told everyone and their pet hamsters how horrible I was in every way imaginable.
> 
> ...


Miss Taken, I hope your guy really steps up. You are one amazing, strong, and wise woman. You deserve nothing but the very best, and I hope he knows how very blessed he is. He should have only one goal in this lifetime; to strive to be such a good husband, father, and man, that one day, you will feel like the lucky one. That should be the goal of every repentant WS who has a loving BS willing to give them a second chance.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I would like to interject something here....It has been thirty years since I betrayed my husband. When I look back now it is with the maturity of thirty years of reconciliation. I am certain...thirty years ago...I did not "think" the same way I think now....I am certain I did not say the things I say now...I am certain my heart was in a different place than it is now. It is hard to go "back" in time and remember exactly what I said or felt at that time.
> 
> I do my best to be as honest as I can about my affair with you all and especially with my DH....but thirty years of living life...thirty years of being happy with my husband....thirty years of trying to forget .....does change perception. ...sometimes facts are forgotten, things said are forgotten, feelings are forgotten, events are forgotten. It is not done maliciously ....it is not meant to be deceitful.
> 
> I do not want to paint a picture of who I was thirty years ago of a young woman who was blindly innocent. I was evil....what I did was reprehensible. I accept the blame and the responsibility that is mine and all mine for what I have done. I am well aware that my husband has given me a gift of forgiveness...one that I do not deserve....but one that I am eternally grateful for.


I am sorry for my previous comments on another post Mrs. John A. I was unaware of your story and unaware it was 30 years ago...truth is people mess up. I even know my ex messed up and got caught up in some BS another man was telling her and if she had the guts you have to admit what she did was wrong and take corrective action things could have been different. but c'est la vie...you are an incredible woman and 30 years counts for something. I was thinking today...time heals all wounds.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Philat said:


> You know we're listening if you feel the need to talk, Gus.


I know, and I appreciate it. I'll get around to typing it all out one of these days.

Baby steps.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Thanks so much EI, you know I think the world of you too. 

The changes I've seen in him are big ones and all for the better or I wouldn't still be here trying to move on beside him. This post just struck a chord with me. I don't really trigger anymore like many BS's do but engaging his or thinking about engaging his family does reopen those wounds a little.

MJA, 

I do believe you're right.

Had he been thinking of how it would've affected me and the kids and his family as well, I don't believe he would've done it. I know he loves all of us so wouldn't of done it had he realized the scope of the damage it could do. That's the trouble with hindsight. He is and has been trying to make up for things though. Despite what he's done, in many ways he's become a better more mature person and is definitely a more emotionally supportive mate than he ever was prior to hurting me... it's just unfortunate that he chose such a sh!tty way to get there but I am glad he's getting there.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Bigtone...I thank you from the depths of my heart. I feared you did not know my story...and the last thing I want to do is to cause you more pain....
> 
> You are an ok guy in my book....I am sorry you have suffered from the ugliness of infidelity. It is a sentence no one deserves.
> 
> ...


Thanks Mrs. John A. - well you too... I know my ex regrets what she did and she knows I would never take her back after an affair, I made it clear throughout the marriage. Although I have not seen her for over a year now, I hear my boys talk about her and how she speaks so positively about me. A little late and she is telling the wrong person. She cannot face what she did and she cannot live alone so there she is stuck with some loser until she chooses to cheat on him. 

I made mistakes - a lot of mistakes - in our marriage but they could have been worked out. Not now. But my concern is with our boys now but both seem to be doing fine - both in University - the oldest graduating and going on to Grad School and the other going into his Junior year. So we weathered the storm.

I am a bit lost but given what has happened with the break up and car accident - I am okay. Lots of opportunities with younger women but they all want children and not sure whether I want another 20 year commitment where I will have to roll the dice again. But I am willing. Truth is I am not jaded towards women.

I will never view her in the same way - I view time with her as wasted time. Even my children (who people keep saying "well you had two beautiful children with her"), I figure I could have had 2 more beautiful children with someone else. 

I admire you forthrightness and let me say you are not like most other WSs on this site.

Take care.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Philat said:


> During my wife's EA with "Keith" she said they had a lot of conversations that started out with "I love Philat but..." The "buts" gave Keith (not a predator by any means) a roadmap into her heart.


There are several types of "players." One is the emotional player. They look for what a vulnerable woman is wanting and fill that void. Since I've caught onto this, I note women who make that opening. I see it in some coworkers. I've seen it in other stressful situations. All it would take to start is to be the "friend" that listens and they give you exactly what you state: a road-map to follow.


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## owl6118 (Jan 30, 2014)

My goodness, for the last 12 hours we've had an outbreak on this thread of the TAM that was so helpful to me when I found this place back in February. I intend to enjoy it and be inspired by the compassion and remorse and kindness I see here. I have been about to walk away from this place--but conversations like this keep me hanging around to learn.


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