# Lost Love



## Bayou

I am going to try to make this short, 20 years of marriage 2children 14 & 20 yrs old , the last 2 years of our marriage my wife grew apart from me due to stress in the construction company and me drinking too much , she turned to her old BF and had a affair and moved out for 6 months and found it was not so easy living on her own , i filed for divorce , before the divorce was up she moved back in, there is no sex ,and she sleeps on the sofa, i dont know if she is still contact with BF , every time I want to talk about sex or our marriage she does not want to talk about it, I quit drinking , help around the house, pay all the bills ,work my ass off ,been getting is shape, take her out on dates , treat her like gold , with love and caring compasion, and still nothing in return. It apears to me she is just staying to keep the family together and raise my girls in a stable home, 
I just dont get it , we get along great and do alot of thing together, but I cant get her heart back. 
It is killing me inside, I keep me cool, but dont know how much longer i can do this, I love this woman more than anything and dont want to lose her. but I feel like I am being used.
I tried talking about sex last night and she said she just did not want sex. ( she did not have any problem have sex with BF and sending pics back and forth,)
I dont know what else to do, I dont want to destroy my family, but can not live like this for ever. I did go to counsceling by my self and he told me it was over and I should move on. 
I have read every book on marriage , and how to improve myself, I feel like I am doing everything right, I am trying to get the connection back before dealing with the issues. But I am gettin no results , she has built a wall between us that I cant knock down. I know this sound crazy ,but I will have a hard time living life without her.
Does the love come back? 
When shoud I give up?
I am in PAIN, please help


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## Bayou

Bayou said:


> I am going to try to make this short, 20 years of marriage 2children 14 & 20 yrs old , the last 2 years of our marriage my wife grew apart from me due to stress in the construction company and me drinking too much , she turned to her old BF and had a affair and moved out for 6 months and found it was not so easy living on her own , i filed for divorce , before the divorce was up she moved back in, there is no sex ,and she sleeps on the sofa, i dont know if she is still contact with BF , every time I want to talk about sex or our marriage she does not want to talk about it, I quit drinking , help around the house, pay all the bills ,work my ass off ,been getting is shape, take her out on dates , treat her like gold , with love and caring compasion, and still nothing in return. It apears to me she is just staying to keep the family together and raise my girls in a stable home,
> I just dont get it , we get along great and do alot of thing together, but I cant get her heart back.
> It is killing me inside, I keep me cool, but dont know how much longer i can do this, I love this woman more than anything and dont want to lose her. but I feel like I am being used.
> I tried talking about sex last night and she said she just did not want sex. ( she did not have any problem have sex with BF and sending pics back and forth,)
> I dont know what else to do, I dont want to destroy my family, but can not live like this for ever. I did go to counsceling by my self and he told me it was over and I should move on.
> I have read every book on marriage , and how to improve myself, I feel like I am doing everything right, I am trying to get the connection back before dealing with the issues. But I am gettin no results , she has built a wall between us that I cant knock down. I know this sound crazy ,but I will have a hard time living life without her.
> Does the love come back?
> When shoud I give up?
> I am in PAIN, please help


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## arbitrator

*From what I've read, I'd greatly have to say that the only reason that she's back home is that her AP/BF has gotten all the good he can from her, has summarily moved on, has thrown her out of his abode, and she cannot financially support herself.

There is no repentance on her part for how she is treating you now, or has done so in the past. That preeminently tells me that you have been nothing more than her "Plan B" the entire time.

And while I greatly admire your stance and willingness to afford the possibility of R with her, it's going to take "two to tango" on that particular dance floor.

My advice is to tell her that there will be mandatory MC and that even the slightest deviation from that plan will generate a divorce filing. If she so refuses, then you would have no other recourse other than to do "the 180," file and get custody of your minor kid, and move on! Since she has a history of having worked, in a vast majority of jurisdictions, alimony would totally be off of the table for her!

That will free you up to find a loving woman who will truly love you for the man that you are!

Welcome to TAM, Bayou! I really hate to see you here, but you absolutely could not have found a better place!*


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## Bayou

OMG the truth hurts, I was hoping for some answers to save my marriage. Divorse will result in selling my house and splitting up my family and breaking my daughters hearts , this sucks, I am in tears now as i am typing this.


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## arbitrator

*Bayou: It was not meant to hurt, but rather just facing the prospects of reality. Right now, greatly provided that R is still somehow an option, and whether or not she is supportive of it, the best possible thing you could do is to talk with an IC or at least with your church pastor about it.

I would support your doing that as a last-ditch effort! They may be able to offer the help you need! I wish you well, my friend!*


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## stallion1

It sounds like you are blaming yourself? We all have to take responsibilities for our actions. Sounds like you are doing this. Doesn't sound like she is. 

Did you make her cheat? nope. she did that all on her own. she needs to take responsibility for that. Don't put that on you.

keep bettering yourself. 180. 180, 180.

Its heartbreaking, it hurts, especially with a family involved. So sorry to hear what you are going through.

Follow the advise on this site. These people know how to deal with these things. Keep pushing forward.


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## Bayou

I am blaming my self, I was a ass, and ran her away, I didnt see it comming, she turned to other man for support and it turned physical ,but in am sure that is over now.
I just dont get it how someone can fall out of love. She acts like there are no feelings at all for me , we have been through so much together as a team I just dont get it. After all I went through I still love her.maby I am too easy to get.


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## ConanHub

You did not cause your wife to cheat. You might have been a poor husband but the cheating is 100% her sh!t!! She has not been made to own her sh!t or face repercussions for it. Become a better man but divorce her cheating butt! She is not remorseful. Look it up, reconciliation won't work when she still thinks it is a fine thing to leave her family to go act like a wh0re with an idiot and then just move back in and have you take care off her skanky rear end?

She needs to understand what she did. Right now she doesn't.

Repercussions my friend. Best wishes.


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## Dedicated2Her

Bayou said:


> I am blaming my self, I was a ass, *and ran her away, I didnt see it comming, she turned to other man for support and it turned physical *,but in am sure that is over now.
> I just dont get it how someone can fall out of love. She acts like there are no feelings at all for me , we have been through so much together as a team I just dont get it. After all I went through I still love her.maby I am too easy to get.


You are 50/50 to blame. You own 50pct and she owns 50pct. All you can do is clean up your side of things, and hopefully, she wakes up and starts to clean up hers. However, you need to set up some serious boundries for her to follow in order for you to continue to live together.


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## Stretch

We all look at ourselves and repent for our part of a separation. Unfortunately, you are so upset about it that you are not thinking rationally about who is to blame for what and how much. Self reflection is good. It leads us to become better people but you are taking responsibility for things that are out of your control.

Personally, I think you are fighting a losing battle.

Nevertheless, this would be my plan of attack.

Decide what steps/actions you want her to take as indication that your marriage might be saved.

1) Marriage counseling
2) Demand no contact with BF or other affair partners
3) transparency with cellphones, email, social media, etc
4) Any other reasonable demands that you think indicate sincere desire to R.

If she balks at any of them, it is time to say goodbye and good luck.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## bandit.45

Nothing you did drove her to cheat. She had many other options: she could have kicked you out, she could have made you go to AA and counseling, she could have divorced you.... No. She cheated knowing you would not divorce her and knowing you would take her back. 

What she did is faaaar worse than what you did to her. 

I say do the 180 and go see a lawyer to know your rights. Quit dating her, quit kissing her azz, quit telling her you love her. 

Read Married Mans Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy. Both are available from Amazon. 

Your wife is ignoring you because she knows she has the power. I also suspect she is still in contact with the OM. Once you start moving on with your life and prepare for divorce, she may wake up and start acting like a wife again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

People fall out of love all the time, unfortunately. She likely came back not because she wanted to reconcile but because life was too hard. You can't make her fall back in love with you. All you can do is work on you. Maybe that will be what she needs. But it might not. So have a plan either way.


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## sammy7111

if shes stay for the kids you still going to be alone in the long run when they leave she will to shes using you right now make her leave and stay gone


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