# Fiancé threw engaged ring at me . Should I stay or go



## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

So me and my fiancé have been arguing now and then about her dislike of my mother , i wanted to take our daughter to spend the weekend with my mother and she won’t allow it , then that escalated in to and argument and she ended up taking the ring of and gave it back to me , should I stay with her or should I call it quits ? I know I have a sharp tongue when we argue and can be quite nasty but at the end of the day it’s like she wants me to to hate my mother as much as she does. Help what do I do ?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

That's not nearly enough information... 

Why does she dislike your mother? Do you usually have huge, explosive fights?


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## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

bobert said:


> That's not nearly enough information...
> 
> Why does she dislike your mother? Do you usually have huge, explosive fights?


Yeah about once every 4 months , she dislikes my mother because she said a few harsh things to her when she was trying to kick me out or I would say mumbling just leave just ****ing leave .


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m not telling you what to do but I absolutely promise it will only get worse. The wedding will be a weapon, she will isolate you from your family, and with your child she will have the ultimate nuclear weapon to use against your mom. Do what you want but you better believe that is the road ahead of you .... I’ve already been down it.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Here's a fun question. Would she still be your fiance if you hadn't knocked her up? 

Personally, I view a chick giving the ring back a get out of jail card. She's showing you she's not afraid to walk, even if it's just a bluff. 

Here's something else, today it's your mother she doesn't like. Is the the type that always seems to find a reason to be pissed off about something? If so, then don't walk.........run away.


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## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

I feel like we wouldn’t be down this road if my daughter wasn’t born ? Obviously I don’t regret having my daughter. Fell like I’m staying and hanging on just so I can see my daughter every day


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Take the ring, sell it, pay your lawyer suing for child custody. Simple.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Tom hew said:


> I feel like we wouldn’t be down this road if my daughter wasn’t born ? Obviously I don’t regret having my daughter. Fell like I’m staying and hanging on just so I can see my daughter every day


That is not a good reason to stay in a toxic relationship. And certainly not a good reason to marry her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Duplicate.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

See a family law attorney. Do not utter a word to your fiancée about it. Find out what your rights are and start working on custody arrangements. You should not have to marry someone so you can exercise your parental duties. Unless your mother is a danger to your child, the child's other parent should not be able to stop you from taking your child to see your mother.

Once you work with an attorney, you will have a good idea of what will happen if you split up. I can understand staying with someone in order to be able to parent, but you might not need to do that. You need legal advice that no one here can give you. You have to see an attorney in person, someone who knows that law, can assess your situation, and can help you figure out what is best for your child and you.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> See a family law attorney. Do not utter a word to your fiancée about it. Find out what your rights are and start working on custody arrangements. You should not have to marry someone so you can exercise your parental duties. Unless your mother is a danger to your child, the child's other parent should not be able to stop you from taking your child to see your mother.
> 
> Once you work with an attorney, you will have a good idea of what will happen if you split up. I can understand staying with someone in order to be able to parent, but you might not need to do that. You need legal advice that no one here can give you. You have to see an attorney in person, someone who knows that law, can assess your situation, and can help you figure out what is best for your child and you.


I'd also ask about paternity. Probably not something you want to think about but also not something you want to find out years down the line when something medical comes up. And if the kid "looks just like you", she just might be into guys who look like you.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Tom hew said:


> So me and my fiancé have been arguing now and then about her dislike of my mother , i wanted to take our daughter to spend the weekend with my mother and she won’t allow it , then that escalated in to and argument and she ended up taking the ring of and gave it back to me , should I stay with her or should I call it quits ? I know I have a sharp tongue when we argue and can be quite nasty but at the end of the day it’s like she wants me to to hate my mother as much as she does. Help what do I do ?


This is from my experience and mine only. So I'm going to tell you like it is the way I see it.

RUN, run as fast as you can. If she is giving you an out, TAKE IT! 

Because I promise you, her dislike of your mother and unreasonable stance will make you miserable if you marry her. And it will put a strain on your relationship with your mother.
Unless you mother is a raving beyotch, and you know this, this won't end well if you stay with her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m not telling you what to do but I absolutely promise it will only get worse. The wedding will be a weapon, she will isolate you from your family, and when your child is born she will have the ultimate nuclear weapon to use against your mom. Do what you want but you better believe that is the road ahead of you .... I’ve already been down it.


The child is here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard for us to know where the fault lies. In laws can destroy marriages, but we dont know enough here really. 

The fact that you already have a child means you are tied together for many years anyway to some extent. You are engaged but haven't married. Why is that? How old is the child?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

drencrom said:


> This is from my experience and mine only. So I'm going to tell you like it is the way I see it.
> 
> RUN, run as fast as you can. If she is giving you an out, TAKE IT!
> 
> ...


He can't really run far as he has commitments to his child.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

She is forbidding you to take your child to see your mother, you admit you can be nasty in arguments. We don't know enough to know which/either of you is being reasonable, but I know enough to say you shouldn't get married, at least not until you(plural) fix the above.


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> She is forbidding you to take your child to see your mother, you admit you can be nasty in arguments. We don't know enough to know which/either of you is being reasonable, but I know enough to say you shouldn't get married, at least not until you(plural) fix the above.



This .

Not enough info.
You could be in the wrong. 
Or her.
Don't get married either way right now.


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## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

She’s said tonight I quote I’m never ever going to talk or try and get along with your mother . When the baby is older she can decide if she wants to see your mother .


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## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's hard for us to know where the fault lies. In laws can destroy marriages, but we dont know enough here really.
> 
> The fact that you already have a child means you are tied together for many years anyway to some extent. You are engaged but haven't married. Why is that? How old is the child?


The child is 1year and 7 months . Never got married due to covid and money


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tom hew said:


> I feel like we wouldn’t be down this road if my daughter wasn’t born ? Obviously I don’t regret having my daughter. Fell like I’m staying and hanging on just so I can see my daughter every day


Just break up and do 50/50 custody and go your own ways. Don't marry.


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## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

Tom hew said:


> The child is 1year and 7 months . Never got married due to covid and money


On which see insists on that I put all my earnings in to her account


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Tom hew said:


> i wanted to take our daughter to spend the weekend with my mother and she won’t allow it


Excuse me dude: she won't allow it? what are you a doormat to obey her commands? No enough info to go by but, I think that you should by now be consulting with a lawyer for 50/50 custody. Be pro active, not reactive because if you stay there just scratching your head as to what to do your soon to be Ex-fiancée will railroad you. this is a given if you don't act like yesterday.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> The child is here.


Thanks... I’m obviously illiterate today (and many others). 🤣🤣🤣


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## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Excuse me dude: she won't allow it? what are you a doormat to obey her commands? No enough info to go by but, I think that you should by now be consulting with a lawyer for 50/50 custody. Be pro active, not reactive because if you stay there just scratching your head as to what to do your soon to be Ex-fiancée will railroad you. this is a given if you don't act like yesterday.


What do you mean railroad


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tom hew said:


> What do you mean railroad


It means she is going to ram her personal will and decisions down your throat “in the name of child”. She has her little weapon... she obviously isn’t afraid to use her against you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Tom hew said:


> On which see insists on that I put all my earnings in to her account


and you have been doing it? I guess now we now why she can do whatever she wants .



Tom hew said:


> What do you mean railroad


Do you have any idea what women like your fiancée (bossy, controlling) would do once she knows that you will be asking for 50/50? she most likely will be vindictive and if you are not ready she'll throw you under the bus and bury you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

So like I said: BE PROACTIVE and BE READY (hint: all lawyered up) for when her attack comes.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Tom hew said:


> So me and my fiancé have been arguing now and then about her dislike of my mother , i wanted to take our daughter to spend the weekend with my mother and she won’t allow it , then that escalated in to and argument and she ended up taking the ring of and gave it back to me , should I stay with her or should I call it quits ? I know I have a sharp tongue when we argue and can be quite nasty but at the end of the day it’s like she wants me to to hate my mother as much as she does. Help what do I do ?


Ever hear that song "Already Gone" by Eagles? Give it a play. Good advice.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Tom hew said:


> On which see insists on that I put all my earnings in to her account


She throws the engagement ring at you and would like to see *your* earnings go to *her* account?

The only future she has in mind for you is as her plow horse. You provide and pay for everything while she chases other men.

If you are wise, you will simply co parent with her and not marry her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tom hew said:


> The child is 1year and 7 months . Never got married due to covid and money


You don't need an expensive wedding.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Tom hew said:


> _*The child is 1year and 7 months . Never got married due to covid and money*_


You never got married because SOMEONE up there was looking out for you. Take that for the *gift* it IS and run like hell.

You're not going to tell me that things where you live are so backward that she can keep you from seeing your kid because I'm not going to believe it, so stop using that as an excuse to do nothing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be fair you said in your first post that she give the ring back to you not threw it. 
For all we know your mother may be toxic, we can't say if your wife not seeing her us justified or not.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

When your fiance throws her engagement ring at you, you open the front door and throw it farther.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd suggest you do the following: First, remove your scrotum from her purse and reattach it to your body. Second, see an attorney specializing in family law to determine your rights regarding your child. Third, DO NOT marry this woman. Fourth, invest your energy/time in having the best relationship possible with your child. 

I cannot fathom why a grown man would tolerate this type of nonsense. At least get 50/50 custody of your child, which will allow your mother to see her grandchild without all the drama and hassles. 

Oh, yeah ... and remain single for a long time. The fact that you chose this beyotch to be the mother of your child and you are tolerating her crap indicates to me that your picker may be broken. Which leads me to also suggest counseling for you. Find out why you are tolerating this. Seriously.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

If there is no way to work out between her and your mother, I don’t think it will work out in the long term, unless you plan on staying away from your mother as well.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> You don't need an expensive wedding.


 He doesn't need a wedding ... period. Especially to this leech.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Tom hew,
It would be helpful if you would give more detail.
You say your mother spoke harshly to your fiancée when your fiancée was trying to throw you out of your home? Is that correct? Why was your fiancée trying to get you to leave? What, exactly, did your mother say to her?
Is your mother a danger to your child?
Is your fiancée employed?
Why would you give all of your money to a woman who is constantly threatening to end the relationship and to withhold your child from you?
From the little we know, it seems as if you do not take responsibility for your life, but live it based on emotion and on changing tides. A life lived by accident is not a healthy life. It is important to be intentional about our decisions. Now is the time to step up and take responsibility for your life. You have a child to think about. You are responsible for your child, no matter what your fiancée says.
As @Al_Bundy suggested, it seems like a good idea to have a paternity test for your child. Again, do not utter a word of this to your fiancée. You should be sure that the child is yours before you do anything else. 
Start to think for yourself and make decisions based on what is reasonable to healthy, rather than reacting to each thing as it comes. Life should not be jumping from one emergency to another. It should be a series of decisions made preparing for the future and responding to daily life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> She is forbidding you to take your child to see your mother, you admit you can be nasty in arguments. We don't know enough to know which/either of you is being reasonable, but I know enough to say you shouldn't get married, at least not until you(plural) fix the above.


This ^^



Tom hew said:


> She’s said tonight I quote I’m never ever going to talk or try and get along with your mother . When the baby is older she can decide if she wants to see your mother .


^^Again, without knowing more, IF your mother is a raging *****, this seems reasonable. 

What are the issues between her and your mum? Does your mum interfere in things that are none of her business? Do you involve your mum in your relationship by talking to her about your issues? If you do, a lot of this is on you - that's a big no no.

If there's this much conflict and you're not even married yet, it doesn't bode well. I really hope these fights don't happen in front of your poor little girl.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm not taking sides but I will say it's not a good sign that is for sure, not sure why you think a ceremony is going to suddenly help your problems to be fixed, if anything one of you will just own the other money depending, years from now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The engagement ring is a symbol of her thoughts regarding you. It should be seen and acted upon by you as such. Don’t marry her. 

one never knows the whole story from a person’s initial post. But I advise against marrying her, at least until you have a long period of “good behavior” and are both happy and healthy.

Giving her your paycheck is lunacy.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Tom hew said:


> So me and my fiancé have been arguing now and then about her dislike of my mother , i wanted to take our daughter to spend the weekend with my mother and she won’t allow it , then that escalated in to and argument and she ended up taking the ring of and gave it back to me , should I stay with her or should I call it quits ? I know I have a sharp tongue when we argue and can be quite nasty but at the end of the day it’s like she wants me to to hate my mother as much as she does. Help what do I do ?


Talk less and lead more. 
Don’t argue with your wife and don’t have a sharp tongue with her. It’s counterproductive, and words without action are just weakness.

She can hate your mother as much as she likes, you don’t have to agree.

But the fact that you said she won’t “allow” you to take your daughter to see your mom is the real problem here. 
Unless your mother is literally abusive to your daughter, your fiancé doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions about where you take your daughter. 

What other areas does your fiancé control what you are and are not allowed to do?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

It really doesn’t matter who is at fault here. Your MIL doesn’t respect your fiancé and has crossed boundaries. Your fiancé is justified in her resolve to not want to interact with her.

However, you also have a say in who you have in your life. I agree in-laws can and do destroy marriages and yours hasn’t even started. You either need to call it off or do whatever it takes to act as a mediator between your mom and fiancé. I can speak from personal experience that relationships with in-laws rarely improve. It’s true when they say you marry the entire family. If she can’t figure out a way to accept your family as well then that is a major compatibility issue. You will not be set up for a happy marriage if you’re constantly having to be the barrier between them.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At least you got the ring back. Keep it and let her go.
Or you live your life as your wife’s doormat.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> You don't need an expensive wedding.


You don’t need a wedding at all.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tom hew said:


> She’s said tonight I quote I’m never ever going to talk or try and get along with your mother . When the baby is older she can decide if she wants to see your mother .


You have not explained what happened with your mother. I am sure there is much more to the story.

I am married to a man who always took his mother's side in everything. When we first got married, she was very interfering but for the sake of my husband I always deferred to her, I even encouraged my children to go visit her so they have a good relationship with their gran and grandpa. 
The main issue for me (even now) is that he didn't defend me, protect me or support me, that told me everything I needed to know. Now the in-laws are much older and my kids away and I don't bother about them, I have no real relationship with them, my husband does all the running and visiting. If I don't feel like it I don't bother going to see them. I wanted a relationship as my family is so far away, but he and she did that. You reap what you sow.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Tom hew said:


> She’s said tonight I quote I’m never ever going to talk or try and get along with your mother . When the baby is older she can decide if she wants to see your mother .


She seems controlling and petty and selfish. These are characteristics that do not improve with age. A toxic marriage isn’t good for anyone. I’m so sorry, I hope you get at least joint custody. Children need dads, dads are every bit as important as moms.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Why would you want to marry? It is only going to get worse.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He can't really run far as he has commitments to his child.


He can still fulfill those commitments and no longer be with her mother. Otherwise, I guarantee based on my experience with this very situation, his daughter will be brought up in a toxic environment.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's hard for us to know where the fault lies.


Fault doesn't factor into it. Either you stay in what WILL become a very toxic environment, or you don't. Doesn't matter whose at fault.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Excuse me dude: she won't allow it? what are you a doormat to obey her commands? No enough info to go by but, I think that you should by now be consulting with a lawyer for 50/50 custody. Be pro active, not reactive because if you stay there just scratching your head as to what to do your soon to be Ex-fiancée will railroad you. this is a given if you don't act like yesterday.


Anyone, man or woman, who won't allow a grandchild to see their grandparents, unless they are pedos or something, is harming the child out of their own pettiness.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Edit: someone already answered very eloquently on the meaning of "railroad".


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> It means she is going to ram her personal will and decisions down your throat “in the name of child”. She has her little weapon... she obviously isn’t afraid to use her against you.


@Tom hew .... THIS right here. THIS is why you need to get out of this relationship. If what you say is true, she is a control freak with major issues and trust me, things will not get better. Even if you surrender to everything she controls you into doing, it will never be enough. She'll find new things to control you about.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tom hew said:


> she ended up taking the ring of and gave it back to me


Did she throw it at you or hand it to you? You do know that your baby mama is not required to like your mother or get along with her, right?

Look into premarital counseling. Change your communication style. Mumbling smartass comments is passive-aggressive.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Tom hew said:


> So me and my fiancé have been arguing now and then about her dislike of my mother , *i wanted to take our daughter to spend the weekend with my mother and she won’t allow it ,* then that escalated in to and argument and she ended up taking the ring of and gave it back to me , should I stay with her or should I call it quits ? I know I have a sharp tongue when we argue and can be quite nasty but at the end of the day it’s like she wants me to to hate my mother as much as she does. Help what do I do ?


holy ****. 
having a daughter that is not allowed to see grandma is a true shame.

but you made a baby with this witch! 
it if were not for the kid, i would advise dumping her this morning, with a text. but you put yourself into a bad situation where you have a lot of baggage to weigh.

have you DNA tested the child? If i were you and contemplating leaving, or even marrying her....i would def want to be sure the child is mine!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> He can't really run far as he has commitments to his child.


hence the need for a dna test.
he just might get a free pass on that one.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Whoa whoa whoa. An 18 month old may very well NOT be ready for a weekend away from mom. Both of my girls were still nursing at that age. An overnight without me would have been out of the question. Has your baby done overnights without her mom yet?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

northernlights said:


> Whoa whoa whoa. An 18 month old may very well NOT be ready for a weekend away from mom. Both of my girls were still nursing at that age. An overnight without me would have been out of the question. Has your baby done overnights without her mom yet?


I was thinking the same. OP needs to provide more context. Overnights can be really hard on mom if she isn’t ready. Plus if OP is more concerned about his mom wanting the overnight versus being concerned about mom not being ready.


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## Tom hew (Nov 3, 2021)

northernlights said:


> Whoa whoa whoa. An 18 month old may very well NOT be ready for a weekend away from mom. Both of my girls were still nursing at that age. An overnight without me would have been out of the question. Has your baby done overnights without her mom yet?


She’s had a couple of over night stays at her moms


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Not to beat the horse, but what exactly is it that your wife thinks is wrong with your mother?


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Tom hew said:


> I feel like we wouldn’t be down this road if my daughter wasn’t born ? Obviously I don’t regret having my daughter. Fell like I’m staying and hanging on just so I can see my daughter every day


Someone else may have already said this (I didn't read the full thread before replying to this) but DO NOT stay just for the daughter. I get where you are coming from, I truly do. I stayed in a marriage with a cheating spouse who also had issues with my family for way too long because of my daughters. I just could not fathom losing time with them. But things in the relationship never got better and kids are way worse off being around a toxic relationship. It gives them a skewed vision of what relationships should look like. There is no sugar coating it--at best, you're probably going to get 50/50 custody of your daughter, but it is truly better to get 50% custody and be 100% happy than being miserable and being around your kid 100% of the time. You won't be a good dad because you'll be unhappy. Losing time with your daughter will stink, no doubt, but I am here to tell you from personal experience that you can still make a tremendous impact on your daughter and have a great relationship with her even if you don't see her everyday. Don't stay in what sounds like a toxic relationship for the daughter. It'll be doing you and her a disservice in the long run.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No explanation of why she hates your mom?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> No explanation of why she hates your mom?


No that doesn't fit his agenda


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

@Tom hew your silence on the questions asking for more detail on the reasons why your wife feels the way she does about your mother speaks volumes. She clearly has good reason.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She seems controlling and petty and selfish. These are characteristics that do not improve with age. A toxic marriage isn’t good for anyone. I’m so sorry, I hope you get at least joint custody. Children need dads, dads are every bit as important as moms.


I agree, children should always see their grandparents on both sides, regardless of the adults relationship.


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