# The usual stuff



## 3270 to 1 (Nov 28, 2011)

Hi all-

First time poster here. I can take comfort that my problems aren't unique. I've been married to my wife for almost 10 years, and we were together before that for 5 years. The wife has always had various issues with sex, resulting from a couple of bad experiences earlier in her life. When we entered into this relationship, she didn't have a lot of knowledge in the romantic arts; she was surprised that she could be on top!

Not that I'm knocking her in any way, but her attitude towards sex has always been somewhat negative, and it has been getting worse as time progresses. Sex has gone down to once every 7-10 days, and it's become almost ritualistic and mechanical. I usually can give her multiple orgasms (took her months to shake off the feelings of guilt), but after the perfunctory two O's, she pulls me on top of her and that's it. She absolutely hates oral, both giving and receiving. I've bought (at her request) enough lingerie to open her own adult store, which she infrequently wears, and wears with such disdain that the first thing she does when we actually get to bed is take all of it off. She owns no toys, has never watched an adult movie, or anything like that. She calls all of that "filthy".

She is entirely unwilling to try or learn anything new, and if I try to talk with her about anything having to do with sex, she either flat out refuses to respond to me, or attempts to change the subject. A few brief attempts at going to a therapist, she realized that she was weaponizing sex as a way of control, but seems to have gone well past that now.

Don't think that I'm knocking her- she is truly a wonderful and giving person, she just does not seem interested in sex at all anymore. It's evident in how we sleep together- instead of together in the middle of the bed, we're both right on the edge of our own sides.

I'm at my wit's end as to what I can do to save our marriage. She is still resistant to going to see a therapist- she quit the last one under the claim that she didn't want to be a financial burden.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Don't have a clue on how to help but I am wondering why you would marry someone you were with for 5 years and who exhibited these same issues during all that time before marriage?

I, for one, could not survive without oral sex (either giving or receiving), and would have never married my wife in the first place if the sex was lackluster in the beginning.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Your wife sounds like she is sexually repressed. Whether that is due to her past experiences or her upbringing, or whether it's the result of relationship issues that you two have and she is using the repression as a shield to protect herself, you will not know unless she is willing to fess up to what the issue(s) are.

With all of the baggage and background you have given, I think that a counselor is still your best bet - preferably a sexual therapist. But, if your wife isn't willing to go, then go yourself for individual counseling so you can gain some insight in how to cope and what the best way to move forward is.

Best wishes.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Was she sexually abused? Many times the problems arise after marriage, or get worse after marriage. Many women cope somewhat during late teens and early 20's only to then start having more problems later on.

If she was sexually abused as a child, she needs good therapy from a qualified psychologist who specializes in the field. Get a good referral if you can.

She needs to bring to the marriage what you need, no matter what the cause of her issues. You cannot tell her she needs to get cured or she needs to see a therapist, because the abuse victim is not going to react at all constructively to those ultimatums. But you can lead her to see that she needs therapy, or she may choose to avoid her issues at the expense of the marriage ending. You cannot control her but you can set the limits of what you need in the relationship.


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