# Separated living plans



## confusedmama2022 (7 mo ago)

This might be a long post I’m sorry I’m advance. 
My husband and I have been together for 5 years, we have a 4 year old and twin 2 year olds. We never really had an opportunity to date, we got pregnant a month into dating. We got married 2 years ago and it’s just been a mess since. My husband is very lazy and he is aware of this. I am a go getter, I get up for the day and go go go. He enjoys chillin at home, sleeping and just being lazy. Only helps with housework if I get upset or say something. He works swing shift long hours, I know he’s tired but he doesn’t have any motivation/ambition. I had a conversation with him in February and in April about my feelings and about how things need to change. Today I have lost it. I am so confused and not happy. I am emotionally checked out. I sat him down and just explained that we always have the same conversation and nothing changes and I’m over it. I brought up separation and he did say he would stay with his parents. But I am just not in this anymore and I am not sure what to do. I am a stay at home mom and have no other income. Please give me words of wisdom or help


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## confusedmama2022 (7 mo ago)

Just wondering how being separated but living in the same house has worked for you? We have 3 small children and would be able to stay in different bedrooms.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know 3 couples who tried this and it just doesn't work. If you are in the same house you aren't really separated.
It may work as a temporary measure but not long term. Plus you are giving your children a wrong picture of what marriage is.


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## confusedmama2022 (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I know 3 couples who tried this and it just doesn't work. If you are in the same house you aren't really separated.


Thank you. That is what I was thinking. I think if we are going to do this, we better do it “right”.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH and I lived together separated for a few months while finances/assets were being sorted. It made sense at the time but I would do things differently now. We didn’t see each other much since he spent lots of time with his girlfriend but I don’t recommend it unless you‘re the type that can dismiss a lot of “stuff”.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Get a job. Today. I’m sorry things worked out the way they did and you got pregnant accidentally, but it is what it is now. Make your own way, you say you’re a go-getter, go and get! 😉

if you don’t have a job, he’s not going to do any housework. When you choose to not work, house stuff is all on you and he’s essentially a guest. I feel like your expectations were a bit unrealistic. When you work and contribute then you get to ask for help with kids and home. When you don’t, it’s all you and he’s not responsible for any of it, that’s the deal.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

confusedmama2022 said:


> Just wondering how being separated but living in the same house has worked for you? We have 3 small children and would be able to stay in different bedrooms.


I think the band-aid approach is probably best. Rip it off.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

confusedmama2022 said:


> Thank you. That is what I was thinking. I think if we are going to do this, we better do it “right”.


I appreciate it's hard with young children, but if it's definitely going to be permanent then why delay?
Are you both sure this is what you want?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I appreciate it's hard with young children, but if it's definitely going to be permanent then why delay?
> Are you both sure this is what you want?


I think the delay and uncertainty is harder on littles. They appreciate decisiveness and need to see their mama be strong and sure of herself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Get a job. Today. I’m sorry things worked out the way they did and you got pregnant accidentally, but it is what it is now. Make your own way, you say you’re a go-getter, go and get! 😉
> 
> if you don’t have a job, he’s not going to do any housework. When you choose to not work, house stuff is all on you and he’s essentially a guest. I feel like your expectations were a bit unrealistic. When you work and contribute then you get to ask for help with kids and home. When you don’t, it’s all you and he’s not responsible for any of it, that’s the deal.


She has 3 small children, how is she supposed to work paying for three childcare places? She would end up probably paying more for nursery places than she earns! 
Her job caring for 3 little ones is already more than full time.

Op you could try some MC, but if you do separate he would have to pay a lot in child support for three children and may have to also pay spousal support being that you have 3 such small children. Maybe eventually he could have them for a day or two at weekends so you could get a part time job then?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Have a go... if it doesn't work out, then go separate ways...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It partly depends how much room you have. For example if you have a separate basement area or annexe it may work. The people I know who tried it had the normal small type house most have here in the UK.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You 'appear' already separate in spirit, you might as well make it, apparently, separately spaced.

Apparent, with both parents not breathing each other's air, and not suffering each other's airs.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Um, you did not say, what brought you to this sad place in your marriage?

Eye, see you have three posts, two here, I did not ferret out the third.
I am in a bit of a rush, and did not fully investigate.

.........................................................

Edit to add:

I see he is the that lazy eye, not pulling his weight.
You are seeing no future in the man.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

confusedmama2022 said:


> Just wondering how being separated but living in the same house has worked for you? We have 3 small children and would be able to stay in different bedrooms.


Probably very doable, until somebody starts becoming intimate with somebody. Then it will become very uncomfortable.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What's the end goal here? Divorce? Reconciliation?

If you're looking to divorce and move on you can't do it while living together. No quality partner will be ok with that and it won't go over well with either of you. And it will be horribly confusing for the kids.

My divorce lawyer said he really dislikes divorcing couples who still live together for these reasons. It's hard to let go while you're in the home together.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

confusedmama2022 said:


> Just wondering how being separated but living in the same house has worked for you? We have 3 small children and would be able to stay in different bedrooms.


I did this with my EX and it was very difficult. Even though we barely interacted or saw eachother, just knowing he was in the house and WITH ME every single day was an enormous drain on me emotionally and mentally. Once we agreed to divorce, we had a very unemotional separation and did the divorce ourselves, so we were probably the most detached and cooperative of any divorcing couple I have ever heard of, but it still felt like I had an anchor attached to my ankle that was keeping me in my unhappy, painful relationship.

If you decide to do this, make sure you have a definite "end date" for when one of you moves out for certain, and try to stay as separate as possible.


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## confusedmama2022 (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I did this with my EX and it was very difficult. Even though we barely interacted or saw eachother, just knowing he was in the house and WITH ME every single day was an enormous drain on me emotionally and mentally. Once we agreed to divorce, we had a very unemotional separation and did the divorce ourselves, so we were probably the most detached and cooperative of any divorcing couple I have ever heard of, but it still felt like I had an anchor attached to my ankle that was keeping me in my unhappy, painful relationship.
> 
> If you decide to do this, make sure you have a definite "end date" for when one of you moves out for certain, and try to stay as separate as possible.


I feel like this will be us as well. He is very laid back and easy to work with (dealing with the kids). Thank you!


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

confusedmama2022 said:


> Just wondering how being separated but living in the same house has worked for you? We have 3 small children and would be able to stay in different bedrooms.


In our case my wife wanted to stay in the same house for the convenience of our adult student son.
I wanted to stay because of some hope of reconciliation. After 9 months we both have had enough. Emotionally and mentally it's draining and stressful. 
I can't even have a phone conversation without thinking that she is listening.


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## confusedmama2022 (7 mo ago)

I talked to my husband last night about issues I’ve been having. I started a journal in February of this year, started going to therapy for myself, and have spoke to him on many occasions about what I need in a partner. I would like him to be more involved as a partner/dad, motivated and ambitious. He just sits at home all day playing on his phone or video games. He barely does anything with our kids, we never go on dates, we never hangout together and I’ve brought this up multiple times and he does a little here and there but nothing sticks. I am go go go all the time and we just are different people. I want to make memories as a family and have him be more involved. I told him this last night and he told me that “it’s never going to change”. I told him then we need to go our own ways.
He wants to wait yo leave the house until my therapy visit next Tuesday but I feel like we need to just do it now instead of waiting a week and pretend everything is okay, because it’s not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@confusedmama2022

I merged your 3 threads into this one. You will get better feedback with one thread on a topic.


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