# Don't want it...don't have any choice.



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

My hubby of 9 years has told me he is leaving me. He can't give me any reason, except that he just doesn't love me. He is addicted to video games(Ps3) and alcohol. I now suspect that he is using steroids. We separated 5 months ago and two months into the separation...he came home.

The reason for our first separation was the alcohol....and his neglect for me and the children. I initated the separation...telling him to go take some time and be sure we were what he wanted. He saw a laywer....but then....he suddenly decided he was wrong. Says he found God. I am a christian woman and I am delighted with that...except....it didn't last.

He is home for a month and the video game addiction just got worse...then he started talking to me about wanting to drink. Two weeks ago...things got rapidly worse. He stopped wanting me and the kids around....pushing us away. He spent up to 23 hours in one week on video game playing. 

Our issues were far from resolved but after one session of counseling.....he believed he was fine....refused to go back. We were planning a trip with his family (who think he does no wrong) for this 4th of July weekend. Two days before the trip...he drops the bomb...He is leaving me.


I knew something was up....he had refused to say he loved me for almost three days and had not come within three feet of me. He wouldn't talk to me or look at me or have anything to do with our kids. 5 and 8....15. So, after he told me he was leaving....he said he wanted me to still go on the trip.

Foolishly....I did....and it was (duh) a disaster. I ended up having to call my sister to come get me and the kids....because his family were enabling his behavior towards me and the kids. he barely acknowledged us.....wouldn't play with his children in the water park....and spent that whole first day....playing like a teenager with his brother.

It was foolish of me to go...but I kind of thought it was some kind of test....if I would go or not. Turned out it was all just for show and to ease his conscious....and I was just a babysitter.

I am devistated that my family is suffering...and they are living it up.....having a party. Not worried even about his kids. I have been seeking advice on what I should do. I don't want to be the one to file for divorce....and he is suposed to be moving out when they get back. It sucks big time.....and my kids were disappointed about coming home ( they wouldn't stay without me) but they aren't even concerned with the fact that Daddy's leaving. 

They didn't even notice last time he left.....and shrugged and laughed when I told them he was staying somewhere else. He ignores them so much that they don't even know what a really Daddy does.

Any words of wisdom....advice...support...greatly appreciated.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

The title of your thread rings oh so true to me Denise.... I'm so sorry you're going thru this...I wish I had some great words of wisdom to turn things around for you. Sounds like you have one hell of a set of in laws and I don't mean that in a good way....keep up w/your faith and your prayer...did he just drop this on you randomly? During the vacation?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Just before vacation...two days.....and it was after he wouldn't talk to me or look at me. He shut me completely out. But less than a week ago he was talking about me and him going somewhere just the two of us.....second honeymoon thing. Then...boom.....it confused the heck out of me. Still trying to wrap my head around it.

My in laws knew he was planning on leaving me...and the kids before we left for this stupid trip. Father in law didn't say anything...Mother in law was "we still want you to go. We lov you.....la da da."

When we got up there.....it was a nightmare...but I should have known that. He neglected me and the kids...favoring his brother. Then walked off without even telling me and disappeared at the hotel...I freaked and confronted him when he came back.... Still....after my sis in law stuck her nose into our argument....she went on about how immature I was and how this was "rediculous.." and I should "think of the kids."

Mother in law says..."You're just panicking....": Ha... understatement of the year. News flash....he is leaving me. But no...Mother in law says...." He isn't doing anything wrong..."


Okay. So I tried...stupidly and with miserable results to do the impossible.

Funny thing...He says "we are going to be adults about this."


He wasn't acting like an adult and he wasn't thinking of the kids.


NIGHTMARE....WISH I COULD WAKE UP.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sigh...I got "I do anything to keep our marriage and family from falling apart, you are the only thing that matters in my world baby." Then two weeks later I got I love you but I'm not in love w/you.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Men...confusing sometimes eh? (Sorry boys, yes I know we women can be too)


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yep....confusing. I know some pretty good ones though. I know of at least three or four fabulous marriages. My brother's is one of them...My mother said that if he treated his wife like my hubby treated me that she would beat him over the head with a frying pan. Funny huh.

I know he's an addict....no one would believe the way he is ...even my family marvel every time I tell them stuff about the games(video). But my sis in law works at Walmart and one of her co workers in in electronics...telling her that my hubby buys a game at least once a week.....he has more games than my three sons combined....addiction. 

I read that some video games played over extended peroids of time..cause the brain to release the dopomine at the same level of a heroine addict. So he's truely sick.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Oh honey you don't have to explain the addiction to me...I've lived it too.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

video games? If so....can you give me some insight? If he files for divorce, which I suspect he will......I am afraid for my children. He threatens us if we even near the console....and his idea of watching the kids is sending them to their room while he plays. A few times when I have come home for lunch...at 11....the boys would be screaming that they were hungry....he hasn't even fed them. He swears they just got up and waited for me....but I don't tatally buy that. 
Any thing you can add?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Hubby moved out today...police involved....sister in law sent on her way....something to smile about. 

I can't describe the pain. How the heck am I suposed to move on with my life? My 8 year old is angry....says he hates his dad...I tried to tell him that it was ok to be angry and not like what he is doing, but not to hate him....and that I still love him.

My 5 year old says daddy can come back home. I agreed with him. But he is not sad...just confused.

Can't repeat what my 15 year old had to say. I actually had to talk to him....about the anger. He is glad hubby is gone.


Me? Devistated. All that I can do is wonder why he is doing this to us. I know the addiction is part of it...but he is just so cold. Swears there isn't anyone else....and stupid me...I kinda believe him. My sister thinks he has some kind of brain tumor. Maybe. Dk.....praying for him to get help and wondering if I should make the first move on filing papers.....don't want to. He says it will be months if he files....so I am thinking of waiting it out. 

Any advice??????


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> video games? If so....can you give me some insight? If he files for divorce, which I suspect he will......I am afraid for my children. He threatens us if we even near the console....and his idea of watching the kids is sending them to their room while he plays. A few times when I have come home for lunch...at 11....the boys would be screaming that they were hungry....he hasn't even fed them. He swears they just got up and waited for me....but I don't tatally buy that.
> Any thing you can add?


I can tell you what mine did. He was not into console games, but MMRPG's IE: World of Warcraft. The only thing keeping him away from them now is he's got too many *itches on his balls and has to keep them all straight I suppose so as not to f*ck his stories up or something (pardon my bitterness...recently finalized divorce and it's taken me this long to get angry). 

Anyway he's been playing WOW since it's release date, he LITERALLY and I kid you NOT. He'd literally wake, go to work, come home, log on, sit, grab dinner, sit, play, sit long enough to where he'd dang near pee his pants get up take a long enough pee'd you'd have thought he'd drank a 20 pack whilst sitting there, come back out, play till all hours of the morning and then go to bed. Rinse and repeat time and time again. 

If I finally complaind enough (keyword B*tched) he'd get off for a bit...or he'd slow it down for a week or a few...or if I got lucky enough he'd have pretty much acomplished all he could do prior to the next Xpack or patch (expansion or updates) and I'd get him for a bit. I played the game myself and enjoyed it too, thing is I could get up from it...I could limit myself. I could stop and make dinner, and you can be dang sure if there were some boot knockin envolved then Momma said in the mic, sorry guys family emergency gotta bounce (literally) lol  If I felt the game was taking from my family or daughter I could put it down cold turkey. I also bored of it on multiple occassions...see to me it was a space filler rather than an addiction. 

He always said to me well aren't you glad I'm here rather than there, or here, or there, etc. Yes honey I am, but although you're here you're really not here....

Ugh so although I wish I had some magic words of wisdom or something that'd magically kick the habit cause I for dang sure be sharing them w/the world. Often times I wish I had him here sitting at the computer...sigh.

I love and miss the ex...however his state of mind and his actions at the moment....well their something to be seen...ugh but not desired. He's an entirely different story DeniseK....a long one. He's got issues w/depression and much more along w/the part a$$hole that's he's being at the moment...I'm not really sure what he's looking for in life right now...but it's not a loving faithful wife and family that's for sure..he'd rather be out playing I guess...it just all feels so childish and we're not children. 

Keep posting and if I have any input I'll throw in mine for what it's worth....tell me more about today...why were the police involded?

Girl it's ok to still love him. I do and my papers are signed and finalized. I didn't file, I refused to because I wasn't the one whom wanted it, I felt there was no reason for it, we had nothing to get divorced over, hubby's excuses were bulllsh*t and it's all gonna kick him in his butt one day...but hey...life goes on...because it has to, and it will take time...trust me it's still taking me time...and my heart still belongs to him...

Take the separation day by day...watch his actions and what he's willing to do, if he makes no effort at reconcilliation and he's too lazy to file then show him who you are and what you're worth and what you deserve and yes then file the papers yourself....

PM me if you ever wanna talk 

Rhea


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thank you, Rhea. It almost sounds like you are talking about my hubby. Except he plays Madden football...wrestling...baseball...resident evil...ok..you name the game...he probably has played it. He even gets the ratings in his gamer magazine so he will know which ones are most worth his time. It is an addiction.

The police were called because my sis in law ( his brother's wife) wanted to come help them move his stuff. She has just run her mouth too much...said too many things....and butted into our separation when it is none of her business. She LOVES this kind of stuff. She claims to be a Christian....but I am a Christian and I don't delight in other's misery.

I just knew how she was enjoying ( giddy) about this separation. It would take six pages to tell you just what all she has done...but I will tell you that she did all his research for the first time he went to see a lawyer....(6 months ago). It was all by her help that he made it on his own for the two months we were separated.

So....I asked them not to bring her.....and they did anyway. She even wanted to sit in the road in her car ....you know why...SO SHE COULD WATCH THE TRAIN WRECK AND SEE ALL THE PAIN....
Sick girl. She is only 26. Ha.

I have been praying and I have been giving my heart some time to heal. But I suspect that she is trying to 'set' me up. Yesterday at work (I drive) Some young men pulled up and began begging me for my number....to the point that they wouldn't leave me alone. Of course..I was so flattered. It was cute at first...but they persisted. I didn't give them my number....told them that I was married but separated. (dk why I even bothered to tell that).

Part of me would love to just be able to scrap my hubby off like he has me...and ignore that I still love him with all my heart. So I guess I just had a moment of insanity. I don't want anyone else...especially anyone who has just turned 21 and probably doesn't even have a job. I am a mature woman...of 37 with three kids. Now....I need my hubby to be a daddy and husband....not some teeny bopper hitting on me.

So ....I got to thinking....my sis in law is just crazy enough to try to set me up....see if I would take the bait. Ew. I wouldn't do that crap to anyone...but she would. So now I am paranoid that she might do anything...and I mean ANYTHING... to keep this stirred up to the point that he can't get help and we are finished.

I am not a cheater.....if I wanted to move on and talk to anyone...I'd file for the divorce and move on. Makes you wonder tho.....why? Maybe I am just paranoid....but you'd just have to know her.



Thanks again...I'll pm you.......God bless.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I can honestly say that I have been through and do understand your pain...and it's a deep studded undeniably miserable pain...to lack the understanding of why...well it sucks no two ways about it.

I sit here today and still am so confused :scratchhead:

I don't understand...probably never will. I know him so well, but I really can honestly say I don't have a clue what the "it" is that will make him happy because quite honestly well he had it good and he'll tell you that. I don't mean good by he could do whatever he wanted...but good that he had a woman whom loved him, never strayed etc. Even told me, you're my best friend, you've never hurt me, you were a great wife :scratchhead: understand my confusion???

Keep talking hun, it helps when you can't get it out to them to get it out here...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

somewhere along the way, you asked "what can i do?" the answer sucks, but here goes:

if the addiction were alcohol or drugs, you'd just have to accept (for now) the addiction, then work him towards a cure. living with an addict (i'm one, i guess) must suck. the real cure is this:

threaten, then follow through. when he has chosen to move out and not adjust his behavior, the writing's on the wall. he now has to crash and burn or he might be gone.

i'm sorry. i can't imagine choosing an addiction over family. wait, i did, for years! without realizing it.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Well....I guess he made his decision. I am still wearing my wedding rings. I still love him......I'm still not understanding how you can just stop loving someone.....so I don't believe that lie. I think he just doesn't care. Love and Care are two totally different words...sometimes used in the same text. My mother said one time that my Dad loved us...he just didn't care. I always thought she had it backwards....because Love is such a strong word and care is so little.

Now I understand. He just doesn't care....about anything. Apathy....selfish.....sick.

Earlier I mentioned the young men who pulled me over and asked for my number...which I wouldn't give them. One of them came into the store today and smiled...walked to the back and then walked out....I still don't know if it is something I am paranoid about or if this fellow has just a small crush on me. 

Anyway.....my mind is clouded....my heart is broken and I just want somebody to love me. Is that too freaking much to ask?


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> I read that some video games played over extended peroids of time..cause the brain to release the dopomine at the same level of a heroine addict. So he's truely sick.


23 hours a week is an addiction. My XH spent 12hrs/day on WoW Mon - FRI, and roughly 18/day on weekends. Video games are like crack, just cheaper.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am trying so hard to be strong. I am not much of a loner...though I am completely capable of doing everything by myself. I have for several years...even with him here. I texted him a few times....he won't answer. So....I have resolved to just leave him alone.

His family don't call or try to find out about the kids....I am not surprised...just disappointed. It is hard to be left...but even harder to accept that your children have been abandoned. He hasn't spoken to his children since last thursday...a week ago. He cared so much about us that he didn't even call to see if we made it home safely.


I have no idea how you can't care about your children. I would walk through coals and piranah infested water to get to them. And I certainly wouldn't brush them aside like they are some flea. But that is how he treats them...like little annoying fleas. How can I still love someone so sick? 

Ready to scream.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

*I still love him......I'm still not understanding how you can just stop loving someone.....so I don't believe that lie.*


I don't believe that lie either. Didn't believe it when my spouse said it. Still think he made a rash decision of which he'll live to regret. 


I'm sorry 

I'm here if you need someone to talk to. 

Rhea


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Need someone to talk to bad. I am trying to function. Trying to work. He won't call...his family have completely abandoned us too. I tried to set up a meeting with his mother to just see about making some peace. She doesn't want to talk to me either. 

I feel more abandoned than ever. My family want me to roll him over the coals. He told my brother in law ( my sister's hubby) that he had tried to make it work. Crap. If he did....i'd love to know how. My heart feels like it is in a blender and put there by someone I trusted not to hurt me.

I just want to pack up the kids and disappear....head off to the beach and find a new life. I am the one shouldering the responsibility.....comforting kids......comforting me......bills I can't pay......housework....school clothes....school......(which starts in a few weeks here). 


I just want somebody to love me. God...is that too much to ask?


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

You're having an extremely bad day. we are here for you.

you have been strong for several years you say. go there in your mind. you can do it. for your kids. try and forget about what he and his family are doing to you. make up for their carelessness by being the best mother you can possibly be. shower them with affection. but at the same time, try your best not to bring them into your anguish. 

we all just want to be loved. our children love us. we can't forget about them. the idea of having your husband love you is not having YOUR husband love you. your husband could be "Joe Shmo." the "idea" of having that love has your husband's face on it. maybe he is the one that you want. time and hearts will tell. but right now, try and turn that focus into providing that love for yourself. you and only you.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

It's worse than death. When someone dies....they are gone. When someone dies they didn't just put you aside and say "hey...don't want you anymore...you aren't good enough for me...." 

I hate being alone. I spent four years alone after my first divorce and it took a pure miricle for me to get the courage to date again. That was with one child.

Now I am so busy....and the only time I have to myself is when I am at work....which isn't exactly social time. 

I love my children more than my own life. I want them to be happy...safe and healthy. But I also know that he hasn't just left me....he has left me to fend for these children all by myself. It's scary and lonely. No one to tell that E had a bad dream or did a flip in the pool. Or to comfort me when I have had a bad day.

Sure they love me. And I wouldn't trade that love for anything in the entire universe...but it's a parent child love. I have a fifteen year old...and he has already began to pull away. One day they will all three be gone....and I will be alone. My mother poured her entire life into us when my dad deserted us....and she became a bitter lonely woman. She did her best but I wanted her to find someone.....so she would lay off me. 

Some people thrive when they are alone and some of us just long to have a companion. Sure, I've been alone in deed for a while now...but at least there was a body here that I could reach out and touch and it was better than nothing at all....especially since I do love him.

? is......now....is it just me. Am I unlovable? That is where my mind has ended up. He is telling me that....and let me be perfectly honest. I have been deserted enough for one life time.

sorry...having a melt down here.....


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yep,....feel like putting up my own wall. 
I just want to shut everything out right now and forget how stupid I feel for caring about someone who says they dont' love me anymore. 

I hate this so much.....


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

There are worse things than being alone. I do feel for you, the pain is clear in your posts. But you do have your children. My best for you and them. Even though you feel your 15 year old is pulling away you may be surprised how supportive he can be for you as he continues to mature. I continue to be amazed at the empathy my oldest has developed over the past few years. Rely on your family, friends and your self as you move forward. Best of luck.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

i completely feel you!!! i just want to be loved too. BUT! i want to be loved for the right reasons. i need that person to "complete me." we have to love ourselves before we can love or be loved by another, right? so right now, we have to pull it together the best way we can and survive this. and that is where our children, friends, and other family come in. strategically build a support network for yourself. and if it's meant to be you will be loved again. maybe with your H! you never know what your future holds, but we do have choices in our own life. you will be loved by a man again. don't worry. i have faith. if i have faith, you HAVE to have faith in yourself.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I so appreciate the words of support....I think my life has been full of enough of this crap though.

Now I am developing serious trust issues. It's hard to have faith in myself when this is all I have ever known.

Sure....I'm smart enough to know that my stupid selfish dad didn't leave because of me....but......then why was he more interested in seeing my mom than us when he came over?

Ah...and my first hubby....who (let's be honest) was a complete "lost cause". I mean if anyone ever had that 'i can fix him' syndrome....I had it. He was worse than my father. And I finally got that 'I dont love you, line from him.

Fast forward about four years. I dated this really nice guy.....he used me.....decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship......dumped me. I found out the hard way....he was a player. You would think after waiting six months to get to know him that I would be pretty certain that sex was a safe thing....but he got it once and was gone.

Second guy I dated.....went out with him about two months. Nice guy.....finally accused me of wanting to move to fast. It came right out of the blue. I kinda liked him.....wasn't moving too fast.

Met my current hubby six months later. Tried like all kinda heck to not get involved. He was a like a sweet puppy. He wasn't the same man he is today.....I don't know who the heck he is now. But.....here I am...getting dumped again.....and it's like Holy cow....is there any men who do stick around?


This is just a summery of what I have experienced in my life as far as desertion and pain. I don't think that it's them anymore....I think I'm just unlovable....oh sure....at first they love me to death. 

And that is what I want....someone to complete me. I want my other half......my friend. I miss my hubby's friendship more than any other aspect of our relationship. We were once best friends.....

My mother is angry at me....and having her own problems. She was upset the day he moved out because I left my boys with her....ow heck...it's so complicated that I'd need two pages to explain her. She isn't the most nurturing and suportive person on the planet. "Get a backbone" that's her favorite saying.

I got a couple of good friends...but no babysitters and no help. I live in a tiny town where everyone knows what is going on and there is no where to hide.


sorry for the rant again.....vent vent vent. thank you all for support....and for reading......it really does help.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It's going to be OK. We are here, understand. Hang in there. Hugs.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I'm thinking about you Denise...alot of the same thoughts and exact same emotions went through my head. I know what you're going through as do a lot of others here. Stay strong hun...it's tough. You'll be in my prayers. One day at a time.

Hugs
Rhea


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

Denise, I've been where you are. You are correct in the comment that divorce isn't like death, in death they don't just up and say "see ya."

I know it hurts but try this, go out with friends. Don't stay home and dwell on things, get out and enjoy the world. Show your kids some new things or just walk to a park. The smiles on their faces because they know Mama loves them are like threads through your broken heart. Friends, your Family, your children - anyone who has been in your shoes can tell you building a HUGE support group is key. I love to listen to a song by Reba McIntyre calls Survivor. It reminds me everyday that even though my situation sucks, I'm never a victim, I'm a survivor. If you get a chance, listen to it. 

Anytime life is getting to you, stop here and just vent it out. There are plenty of people around to listen.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Oh...I love Reba....not just that song but her show too. I was watching it yesterday. She makes me laugh.

Wish I had friends to go out with. I have a couple of good buddies...but they have strong families....and I am not in the mood for hanging out in third party mode. Also....my babysitting situation isn't so hot. My mother has always been a reliable source but she is having her own meltdown.

This is my best place to talk....I am at the point where I just wish he would fall off the face of the earth. He is so selfish. He is playing a softball tournament today with his church...and me and the kids....barely fending for ourselves. I took my babies fishing and to the park today....they had a ball and I love to fish...but all I kept thinking was ....this is what he promised us....three months ago.

I took my wedding bands off today. He went and took himself off the car insurance and had his address changed. I saw him there and got the letter in the mail...he still hasn't called or even texted to check on the kids. Hasn't talked to them in a week and three days.

A divorce hurts kids as much as it does the adults involved....they know this isn't right. They ask questions that I don't have the answer to. Like.....daddy promised this or why did daddy do that. I don't want to lie but I can't bash him to death either. So it's movies in mama's bed again tonight and another day of not knowing.

again...just venting. If I don't get it off my chest then I might explode.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I just don't know if I can continue like this. I have considered pawining my engagement ring. Is that bad?

The bills have to be paid and My meager pay isn't cutting it right now. Hubby gets paid on the 15th of this month....wonder if I'll get any child support. Doesn't matter....baby's b day is saturday and I do not have the money for a party or gift. 

Depressed...depressed....depressed.

How can a man do this to his wife and kids. He hasn't called to even check on them...why? Oh maybe because he doesn't care or maybe because he knows that I will take care of things if it means selling off every possession I have.

selfish...selfish selfish.

I am sick. My family is tired of this....they want me to shut up already so they don't have to see how hurt and sad I am. Friends seem the same way....they just have better things to do than babysit me or console me ......sux.

ALONE in this....that's how I feel...and overwhelmed.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

No, it isn't bad to have to pawn an engagement ring. 

Are the bills in only your name? You can also send half or even just $20.00 to each one you owe, with a letter explaining why and promising to pay the rest, keep copies. 

OR call him and tell him the bills are due?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

yes...after the last separation...all of the bills are in my name. He went down and took himself off of the car insurance (i saw his truck there). I can't call him...he won't answer. He won't answer texts either.

It's a good thing that the bills arent' behind....or else I would be in trouble for sure...so for now I just have to let them go a month or until I can get caught up. We have had financial trouble for a few years and it is mostly because he refuses to grow up and give up the games. I do with out almost everything. The only time I get anything new is when I get birthday money or christmas....then I usually end up spending part of that on bills.

I stretch everything I get...deoderant...shampoo...laundry detergent. I make it spread as thin as possible. Don't use paper towels...don't buy anything that isn't absolutely necessary. I have worked my tail off and I have to pay a sitter to watch the kids so I can work.

I use to do hair...but when the economy started tanking you can guess what happened to my business. The cost of supplies went up and business dropped. The hours weren't working out because he wouldn't help watch the kids and I couldn't aford a babysitter at that type of pay. So....I was going to go back to school.....and he was all for that. I had my hope and pale grants lined up and was about to start when he left the first time. 

So.....I found a job where at least the income was guaranteed and there were some benefits for me and the kids. Then He came back. He wanted me to work part time...so I dropped the hours so I could work and take care of the house and kids. He refused to do anything to help me.

He payed the bills....at his insistance and kept a separate checking account. We were fine and I would use my money to do family things...and buy extras....like shampoo and for the cell phone bill. ( contract until dec.). This time when he left.....I had no access to the account and so as my account was flat broke.....I had no money. And he knew this.....and as it seems...wanted it that way.

Now....here I am with the kids...paying a sitter so that I can work and he is living it up. Sure he doesn't have loads of money but he isn't hurting for his bills or wants either.

He still hasn't called and thinks that if he pays me 400 dollars a month for our two kids that he is doing his part. 

It'll take me a few more weeks to get a good paycheck. By then...school will have started back and I have to get them school clothes and supplies.

AND HE COULD CARE LESS.


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

You know Denise, I am going through the exact same thing. It took my STBX almost 2 months to finally contact our son, he still has no contact at all with my daughter who he raised for 7 years. 

I also understand about the babysitting situation, I take my kids everywhere. My XH was kind enough to leave all the bills piled extra high for me and drained the bank so you got a leg up on me there. Take it day by day is all I can say, just keep smiling and know this, no matter what anyone says, does or how they act - you are still beautiful and 100% worth it. You are strong and determined, don't let anyone bring you down. Take care.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thank you so much. That was so very sweet of you to say. Though I don't feel very beautiful right now....I think I am going to go to visit one of my friends down close to the beach. It's about five hours away but she is just a bit from the beach.

She invited us and it won't cost a thing. Just for the weekend and then maybe I can start to think straight. Who knows...maybe I won't come back. Then I won't have to face this crap every day staring me in the face. She gave me an open invite to stay forever if I wanted....me and the boys....

Then if he didn't want to see them...he would certainly have an excuse...right. I think he is doing steroids....I really do and it scares me for the boys. His personality has done a complete jeckyl to hyde....he works out viciously and religiously and he is so unfeeling. Plus he has started talking about doing a "cycle". My first hubby did them and I still didn't even know it was called a cycle....I found that out on line. He knows too much to have not at least researched it with intent to use. 

anyway......anyone know if it's possible to request a drug test during divorce. Thanks.....keep talking to me...it is helping. Even if I seem to be losing my mind. I'm actually smiling right now.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Denise

I think its time you spoke to a lawyer. People can really go of the deep end when using that sort of stuff.

Get a free consultation as to what you can do to protect them. Even if you dont use it at least you know whta you can do if you feel you must in a hurry.

Im so sorry. I know you dont want this but you have to start seriously thinking of you and your childrens safety.

If you really feel your children are in danger, you can get a restraining order against him I would imagine. It certainly wouldnt be hard to prove he could be dangerous either.

Speak to a lawyer, they can answer better than anyone here.

I really hope you get through this ok in the end. You deserve it.

Take care.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks.....I am starting to get to the angry phase...you know. I am so ticked off that he hasn't even called to check on his babies and our little one turns six tomorrow. He got payed on wed. and didn't even offer me a penny of support. I know he has already changed his address and has taken himself off our auto insurance. 

If he doesn't love me then fine. He doesn't have to....but you DO NOT mess with my kids. If he doesn't want to be a daddy that is fine too...but he will pay them their due amount. I am so sick that he could even act this way. I won't even mention some of the things that I have thought about.

I am borrowing the money from my mother to retain a lawyer and begin the divorce process.....I didn't want it and wish he would change but he has proven that he doesn't care about any of us. So he can have his stupid freedom.....I hope he chokes on it.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

I am so sorry to read what you are going through Denise, my heart goes out to you and your children. As a father, going through the same things as you are, its hard to understand how someone could do what your stbxh has done to your children and yourself. You have received some good advice, seek out an attorney for legal advice on your rights. Not sure what state your in, but there are programs for low to moderate income families to seek legal aid. 

I wish you the best, be there for your kids and know in the end you will be a much stronger woman for going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Skin......


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I found out Friday that he had already filed paperwork. He sent me a money order but still hasn't called about the kids. He told my bro in law that he was enjoying me leaving him alone and was "hiding out". I don't know where he lives or what he is doing and he is happy with this.

To me...this says he has someone else. If so....I hope he is desperately happy with the choice he has made. I think he is crazy and I think he's on steroids and I think he's an addict. So who ever wants those qualities in a man who won't take care of his family then let them have him.


All I want now is to protect my children....so I have to get my papers rolling fast. Sure he doesn't want the kids....he just wants to see me suffer. Funny.....how can you love someone for nine years and want to hurt them.....MORE. After all he has done to me....I don't WANT to hurt him. I just want what is right for me and the kids.

That is why I am afraid for my kids. If he can be so unfeeling and hateful...not to mention HAPPY with my pain.....(and not to mention the cold dead way he acts even to the kids)...how can I trust him with my babies.

Yesterday was our little one's sixth b.day......He hasn't even called to say Happy bday to him....BECAUSE HE IS A SELF CENTERED JERK. A MAN WHO LOVES NOTHING.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Denise....you sound like a strong angry woman! Good for you! You will need this energy to propel yourself forward. Your kids are lucky to have a mom that loves and cares for them. 

Let your husband hide. He'll wake up one day and regret his decision!!! 

Keep your chin up....


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Wow...you are a remarkable and strong woman. You're doing your best and it sounds like you're doing a great job. I don't know what I would do in the situation of him not contacting his kid on a birthday. Just beyond awful, I don't even have words for it. 

Protect your kids. In court you will be able to show that he totally abandoned HIS children. Take notes. Every single day make an entry that he did not try to contact his kids. Make entries for birthdays and special occasions he is missing. Make entries for what your children ask you about, if they ask why doesn't Daddy come get me or call me for my birthday. Keep that journal and show THAT to the judge when custody is brought up.

Keep yourself strong, you will raise amazing children.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thank you all. I need this support so much. I am seeing my lawyer today at 3 pm. I have kept a journal since he left this time. My now 6 year old is taking this hardest. Our 8 year old just says he hates his dad. Tells you a lot about the man...huh?

I am hoping to get my papers filed first. But even if I don't....I think things will be alright. He has not called and it has been almost three weeks since he saw his children....or talked to them. He is Happy. 

I am like a mama bear. If you mess with my cubs.....I can be very very dangerous. No one on this earth comes before the tiny miricles that God gave me and he has given me the strength to stand up for them.

What happened to real men? Men who stick around through the hard times and take care of their kids and hey wife too. I mean what the heck is this world coming to.....you can not be an effective parent if you aren't there with you children....trust me...I know. And I'm not just picking on men here....women do it too......Jeeze just don't have kids if you think there is any way you cant love them and be a parent to them.


200 dollars twice a month and maybe every other weekend is not being a daddy. It's being selfish. Well....got news here. I want every precious moment I can have with them. I want to see their first homerun and first touchdown and I want to see them through every heartache....and suffer with them when they cry. I want to fix their scratched knees and help them learn to ride a bike.

I have a theory.....(my stbx disagrees) but I believe that you kind of have to teach you kids to do things.....what a radical theory. He thinks you come out of the womb able to throw a baseball and that it just can't be taught. @@##$$#@#........he is such a creep.


Sorry for the rant.....I just have this super massive disgust right now and I am trying to vent so that I can productively behave myself in this stupid divorce.

Any advice.....something I might be missing. I am already screwed...he saw to that.

THANKS.


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