# Advice for 11 year marriage...



## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

Hi All,

Here are the facts:

Married 11 years, together 14. 
2 kids (6, 8). 
She is a SAHM.
We have no financial issues.
We have good family and interpersonal relationships.

The issue...for me...is lack of sexual energy from her. This has been the case for the past 10 years. This was not the case when we first met and when we were engaged. If the amount of sexual energy she brings into the relationship plus mine equals 100...then I'm bringing about 95. In the past 5 years she has initiated sex 5 times. I feel like if I never brought the topic of sex up...she'd never say a word about it. If I never brought it up and never made advances...we'd probably have sex about 3 times per menstrual cycle. Problem is I'm an everyday type of guy and desire an erotic relationship with her. Ain't gonna happen...no matter what. This really sucks. I think about divorce about 5 times a week...and have for a long time. I just can't do it though...because I love my children and play an active role in their lives. I can't stand the thought of them shedding tears over this...or me waking up and not being able to see them...touch them and hug them. I feel like I'm in a prison. Now...I truly love my wife and would do literally anything for her. I'm getting NOTHING in return. At this point she is bringing nothing to the table except the fact that she takes care of the kids while I'm at work (I'm a shift worker) and does my laundry. I could care less about the laundry but am appreciative none-the-less. I am an overachieving hubby...I take good care of my body...succeed at the workplace...take care of the kids...service my wife...vacuum...mow the yard...pay the bills...fix stuff...take my wife on dates...yada-yada-ya. Seriously. 

So...what do y'all think? I don't think I'll ever be truly happy with her because she will NEVER bring more sexual energy into the relationship. Do I just hang-on until the kids leave the house and hope things change? I just HATE the fact that I know there are women out there that would love and cherish me...and adore me with all kinds of sexual energy...but I'll never know what that is like....

Help!
CC


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

What are you doing to allow her to bring the sexual energy into the relationship? I know it sounds crappy, but hear me out first.

1. Do you give her the non-sexual attention she needs? Have you ever asked, or has she ever told you what kind of attention she needs? Ie, words of encouragement, non-sexual touch, gifts, etc? Try taking the love languages quiz and see where yall both come out. The 5 Love Languages

2. Do you give her enough help around the house and with the kids? And not in your estimation, but have you asked her if she feels you do enough around the house? I know you work and she is a SAHM, but she's oncall 24/7 while you do have times where your not at work. Many SAHM feel very under-appreciated by their hubbies.

3. Do yall have mom and dad time only without the kiddos? Try setting at least 1 hour every other day where you two spend it together without the rugrats around you. Lock yourselves in your room, etc. Explain to her your NOT expecting sex, you just want to spend time together. Talk, give her a massage, etc. But for the first times go into it NOT expecting sex.

4. Do you ever give her time away from the kids with you on dates, etc? Also, do you give her time to go out and get her nails done, or go shopping, whatever she likes without the kids?

My wife and I have been together for 13 years and we have 3 kids (soon to be 4). I know what a busy household is like and I know it's easy to let our spouses be the one who gets short-changed at the end of the day. The 1 hour every other day has helped our marriage a lot! Our sex life also started stinking a while back to around once per week or less. I took the imitative and did the things above I asked you. I sit here now in a marriage in which we are closer and happier then ever. We average now about 3 + times per week. 

Why am I saying you do all of this work and not her? Because you can only work on your actions, you cannot make another person do anything. If you do the extra work and shift things around, I don't see any reason why she shouldn't respond if there isn't any truly deeper issues.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Sexual attraction is a language that is communicated not with words, but in action and behavior. 

In my marriage sex radically improved when I ratcheted up my expectation and layed it on the line what I desired and what I required and was going to get one way or another, this was in action first and not at all by mere words. 

This of course had to be backed up by a foundation of trust and respect, that my woman trusted me and respected me that exactly I said what I meant and meant what I said and that I was of the mettle 100 percent to back up my talk with the walk.

And that I was the good man that my woman absolutely desired, and to see my actions and behavior in this strength of dominance, well, it was clear that I would have anything I wanted and this light her sexual fires more than can be typed out.

What I desired and required may be different from any other good man reading this, but that is not the point. 

The point is this, what actions have you taken to back up what you are desiring?

Have you taken initiative on this erotic relationship you wish to have? 

Have you behaved as the way the kind of man who desires this from his woman would behave? 

Or have you resigned yourself in your resentment, maybe only using words to express your desires half heartily in a wait and see attitude.

Only in actions and behavior will the good man unleash his woman's sexual energy and passion, never with mere words. This takes boldness and courage, on a foundation of trust and respect. If there is pieces missing, then the structure is not complete.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think it’s truly amazing that a lot of women just don’t understand their man’s need for them to initiate sex. In four decades I just can’t remember my wife ever saying “no” and I felt exceptionally blessed. But she initiated a handful of times. Sure I knew when she was “more ready” by her body language which was her way of initiating and very nice it was too.

I think it’s just the way some women are. If a woman is proactive and initiates with other things, like budgeting and planning for a new kitchen, landscaping a garden, moving home to a nicer location, planning next years holiday or a camping trip next month then she’ll be more likely to be proactive and initiate in the bedroom or anywhere else.

But if she’s not proactive in life in general but is reactive then she’s more likely to be reactive as far as sex is concerned and not proactive. It’s the nature of the beast.

You “fancy” your wife? She’s faithful? She’s a good mother? She takes care of you in all other ways? All other things are ok for you in your marriage? You’re getting everything you need other than her initiating sex?

It’s a tough one I know. Towards the end I got so I actually felt that I was abusing my wife because she “never” initiated but never said no.

I could never find an answer to it yet I still feel truly blessed.

There is a reason why you are with your wife, she is a “type” of person you can love. If you went elsewhere you would probably instinctively look for the same type of person again. And again the sexual energy would be there in the beginning and drop off as time passes. I really do think some women consider it “trampish” to be proactive in sex and initiate it other than showing they are ready in very subtle ways.

Bob


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

> What are you doing to allow her to bring the sexual energy into the relationship? I know it sounds crappy, but hear me out first.


Sure...thanks for replying.



> 1. Do you give her the non-sexual attention she needs?


Yes. 



> Have you ever asked, or has she ever told you what kind of attention she needs?


Yes.



> Ie, words of encouragement, non-sexual touch, gifts, etc? Try taking the love languages quiz and see where yall both come out. The 5 Love Languages


We read the book about 9 years ago. Thanks for the link though...we'll retake the test. 



> 2. Do you give her enough help around the house and with the kids?


Yup.



> And not in your estimation, but have you asked her if she feels you do enough around the house?


Yes. 



> I know you work and she is a SAHM, but she's oncall 24/7 while you do have times where your not at work. Many SAHM feel very under-appreciated by their hubbies.


Yes. We've had this conversation and I'm now doing all of the things she needs to feel appreciated. 



> 3. Do yall have mom and dad time only without the kiddos?


Lots. 



> Try setting at least 1 hour every other day where you two spend it together without the rugrats around you. Lock yourselves in your room, etc. Explain to her your NOT expecting sex, you just want to spend time together. Talk, give her a massage, etc. But for the first times go into it NOT expecting sex.


Good advice. We're already there. 



> 4. Do you ever give her time away from the kids with you on dates, etc?


Yup.



> Also, do you give her time to go out and get her nails done, or go shopping, whatever she likes without the kids?


Yup. 



> My wife and I have been together for 13 years and we have 3 kids (soon to be 4). I know what a busy household is like and I know it's easy to let our spouses be the one who gets short-changed at the end of the day. The 1 hour every other day has helped our marriage a lot! Our sex life also started stinking a while back to around once per week or less. I took the imitative and did the things above I asked you. I sit here now in a marriage in which we are closer and happier then ever. We average now about 3 + times per week.


I've worked this thing to death. She isn't very responsive. I think she may be chronically depressed. That is a VERY long story...but she is doing really well right now with no prescription meds...she's been off of them for 4 years. 



> Why am I saying you do all of this work and not her? Because you can only work on your actions, you cannot make another person do anything. If you do the extra work and shift things around, I don't see any reason why she shouldn't respond if there isn't any truly deeper issues.


I agree and you've given excellent advice...thanks. I think I married poorly. When I got married I was sorta messed-up and I didn't have much self-esteem. Things are much different now...I've changed and my desires have changed as I realize I'm worth being adored and treasured. I have a lot to bring to the relationship-table...whereas my wife does not. If she was a sexually desirous woman and brought that to the table with no hesitation then I would be happy. It is kinda lonely otherwise...

CC


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Sexual attraction is a language that is communicated not with words, but in action and behavior.
> 
> In my marriage sex radically improved when I ratcheted up my expectation and layed it on the line what I desired and what I required and was going to get one way or another, this was in action first and not at all by mere words.
> 
> ...


I agree with you...and yes I walk the "walk-the-walk". I'm a man of action...and I'm interested in "action". :lol:

CC


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Some women have a hard time being open sexually. Maybe she only wants romance, or needs the lights off. Even if she used to be open in the past, she may not be truly happy with her physical appearance after having two children. I mean, are you wanting sex or are you wanting to make love. Personally, unless you have tried absolutely everything, including marriage counseling and medical doctors, I do not view sex as a factor in making the decision to divorce your spouse and break-up your family. While I do agree that a lack thereof is problematic to the marriage, and overall happiness should be your ultimate goal, a lack of a sex-life in your marriage seems to be repairable. Have you actually sat down with your wife and explained the extent of your unhappiness? What does she say is the reason for her lack of drive?


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

crisis1008 said:


> Some women have a hard time being open sexually. Maybe she only wants romance, or needs the lights off. Even if she used to be open in the past, she may not be truly happy with her physical appearance after having two children. I mean, are you wanting sex or are you wanting to make love. Personally, unless you have tried absolutely everything, including marriage counseling and medical doctors, I do not view sex as a factor in making the decision to divorce your spouse and break-up your family. While I do agree that a lack thereof is problematic to the marriage, and overall happiness should be your ultimate goal, a lack of a sex-life in your marriage seems to be repairable. Have you actually sat down with your wife and explained the extent of your unhappiness? What does she say is the reason for her lack of drive?


Thanks for your reply. Yes...we've been to counseling and yes we've been to doctors. She has been on and off of ADs...but hasn't been on them for over 4 years. Yes...I've sat down with her and told her how upset I am (almost constantly) about our sex life. I don't think she understands how emotionally distraught I am though. Based on comments she has made I think she views herself as the typical stressed-out Mommy and me as the normal horny husband. No big deal to her. She's got me trapped...if we divorce she takes the kids so she knows I won't leave. Meanwhile...she benefits from the financial security that I provide...not to mention everything else I bring to the relationship table. Like I said in an earlier post...I married poorly. I was different then and I made a mistake. I would never marry her now knowing what I know. It's not that I don't love her...I do...it is just that we're not a good match. Ideally I'd be matched with someone who is into me as I am into them. She just isn't that into me...she is self consumed. Sorry for the negativity...I'm just upset.

CC


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Feeling trapped, and trying to negotiate with your woman about sex.

These things, communicated to your woman through attitude and behavior, to your woman as a big turnoff sexually. This is brutal facts.

For marrying poorly, on this I cannot help to turn back time of course.

But the reality is, on these other issues, the solution is yes very possible.

But to be the man that will stand for himself, and behave and act and in all communications to his woman that she FEELS that he could have any women in the world, yet from all these other women he desires her, to make your woman feel this way is the solution to this problem.

To do this, is always just these things:

Increase respect. This is done by standing up for yourself.

Do not avoid any opportunity for conflict or to confront your woman. In fact, relish these opportunities and actually be creative yourself to find opportunities for confrontation. Become a master of conflict.

Increase your own desirability. This is paying attention to your physical fitness, your hobbies, the things that you do for your own pleasure and satisifaction. Identify all these things and put them in the forefront of your life. Do not follow your woman's lead in these things. In your own happiness, be your own leader.

For your woman, make sure you are not putting her on the pededstal. Never do this!!!!

But instead, make it clear that you are of the mind that she is lucky to have you as such the good man, sexually desiring her and a good provider.

To put these things in place, these things are you best bet to show you are worthy of having a woman that sexually on fire for you. When you are making inside your woman feel this, then it is when even the coldest and most distant woman woman come alive and be on fire for her man.

Do these things, to stop following your woman and instead follow your own leading in your happiness, and invite your woman into this happiness.

This is the road to leaving the miserable life of a trapped marriage man in the sexless relationship with the cold woman, such a man who is miserable and wishing for the day of his death!

And likewise becoming the good man who is also a blissfully married man charting and pursuing boldly and confidently his own happiness, to the utter delight of his woman, who herself will be on fire sexually for such a good man!

I wish you well.




chingchang said:


> Thanks for your reply. Yes...we've been to counseling and yes we've been to doctors. She has been on and off of ADs...but hasn't been on them for over 4 years. Yes...I've sat down with her and told her how upset I am (almost constantly) about our sex life. I don't think she understands how emotionally distraught I am though. Based on comments she has made I think she views herself as the typical stressed-out Mommy and me as the normal horny husband. No big deal to her. She's got me trapped...if we divorce she takes the kids so she knows I won't leave. Meanwhile...she benefits from the financial security that I provide...not to mention everything else I bring to the relationship table. Like I said in an earlier post...I married poorly. I was different then and I made a mistake. I would never marry her now knowing what I know. It's not that I don't love her...I do...it is just that we're not a good match. Ideally I'd be matched with someone who is into me as I am into them. She just isn't that into me...she is self consumed. Sorry for the negativity...I'm just upset.
> 
> CC


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Feeling trapped, and trying to negotiate with your woman about sex.
> 
> These things, communicated to your woman through attitude and behavior, to your woman as a big turnoff sexually. This is brutal facts.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the advice. I do all of those things you suggest. I'm 37, 6'1" and 178lbs...lean with muscle. I work out...regularly. I know other women would like to be my lover...but my wife is the issue. I never avoid conflict with her. I think your approach misses one key point. You can't bring something alive that is dead. In my case...my wife doesn't even masturbate...maybe once every two months. She is just too "stressed-out" to be interested in men. I really don't think I'm the problem...I just think she's not that into men. So...by extension she wouldn't be interested in me. 

CC


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

My approach is always assuming two things:

There are not health issues preventing sexual connections.

There was originally sexual attraction in the beginning of the relationship.

Unless one of these two assumptions is not truth, then the solution to your issue is at hand.

I am going to speak bluntly to you, for my opinion on these things from experience, is that you are in the position to hear these things based on your last reply.

You are certainly not doing "all these things" I suggest. 

In fact, you are merely digging yourself deeper in the hole.

Read your first post, and read my reply.

Your first post says you are a servant to your wife, and do things to please her. 

My reply is to put yourself and your happiness first, and invite your woman to follow in your happiness.

These two things are opposites. One is not the other by any stretch.

Want to have more sex? Increase your respect.

Want to increase your respect? STop living and doing and behaving as if you are your woman's servant.

Do the things you want to do.

Do not do the things you do not want to do.

If your woman causes any drama, either calmly address her and the situation, or exercise your option to remove yourself from her presence.

Do not appease her at any time. If she gets upset or protests, exercise your option to remove yourself from your presence.

If she wants to push your buttons, remain calm, and exercise your option to remove yourself from her presence.

If she initiates any "fitness test", nip these in the bud, or exercise your option to remove yourself from her presence.

The reality is just this, you have plenty of options, and since you are the good man providing and taking care of yourself, your options are even greater than you even dream.

Your woman is not looking to be married to a servant.

Your woman is not looking to be married to a boy.

Your woman is looking to be married to a man. 

THe kind of man that knows what he wants, and is not afraid to pursue what he wants. This kind of man is the good man that WILL light the fire in his woman.

YOur responsibility, to knock off the servant behaviors, and put on the kind of behavior that is just this:

Behave as if you could have ANY woman in the whole world. ANd that woman is YOUR WOMAN.

Do not confuse following what you think your woman wants with following your own desires.

THese things could not be more different!


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> My reply is to put yourself and your happiness first, and invite your woman to follow in your happiness.
> 
> These two things are opposites. One is not the other by any stretch.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I appreciate this advice. I will look for ways to put this into practice. 



> Do the things you want to do.


Ummm...I want to have an erotic relationship with my wife...but it take two to make the thing go right. Other than that...I can't do the things I want to do because I'm a responsible parent. I can't put my selfish wants in life ahead of my kids. 



> Do not do the things you do not want to do.


I'm good at this.



> If your woman causes any drama, either calmly address her and the situation, or exercise your option to remove yourself from her presence.
> 
> Do not appease her at any time. If she gets upset or protests, exercise your option to remove yourself from your presence.
> 
> ...


I appreciate this as well...although she is generally aloof. 



> The reality is just this, you have plenty of options, and since you are the good man providing and taking care of yourself, your options are even greater than you even dream.


Thanks.



> Your woman is not looking to be married to a servant.


I don't think she cares.



> Your woman is not looking to be married to a boy.


Right. 



> Your woman is looking to be married to a man.


Here's what she says turns her on...and I'm not kidding: "When you are calm and nice and interact/play with the kids". Seriously. 



> THe kind of man that knows what he wants, and is not afraid to pursue what he wants. This kind of man is the good man that WILL light the fire in his woman.


I'm guessing this is the case in 99% of cases. I must be in the 1%. I pursue everything I want...always have. I am one persistent mutha f-er. Unfortunately, the one thing I want I can't have...I've been pursuing it for YEARS...tenaciously. I can have sex...sure...we have sex...about 1/3 as often as I'd like and with me bringing 95% of the sexual energy. 



> Behave as if you could have ANY woman in the whole world. ANd that woman is YOUR WOMAN.


I do. I've had conversations with her about this. 

CC


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

chingchang

How come I feel this is Chinese.

Don't know how to help you, women are difficult to reason with. If they are career women, they are tired. If they are housewives, they are tired. They are tired and stressed! 

There are so many men here asking for advice, I wish we had a cure. 

They have all the excuses for not having sex, and they have all the reasons to buy them LVs. 

Maybe it runs in our gens. I don't understand other women. Being a woman who loves sex so much, I don't understand why other women forgo this fun. 

They don't enjoy it????? I wonder!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

She has to feel sexy in order to be sexy...She has to feel sexy toward her husband also...For a woman, with children this can be difficult...You may feel she is sexy, but she may not feel the same way...
Its how you look at her, not in a perverted way, but a way that is when you see something you are very attracted to...
Communication is key, being in control, showing your manliness. Her rejection could be a number of factors..She needs the chase, needs to be romanced? Maybe her hormones have dwindled having children??? Maybe she is depressed...
Maybe you don't know how to truly satisfy her???

I can clean the house, do laundry, but that isn't gonna give me sex...I can tell her I love her, mow the lawn, but thats not gonna give me sex.... I can be her puppy dog and give her lots of BFF attention, but thats not gonna do it.... What does it is understanding, listening, and telling how hot she is without having sex attached....

I give my wife back massages all the time cause her back it damaged.... Now, we have a game we use, if she just wants a back massage, I will give her one before bed while she is in her comfort zone...
Now, if she wants more than a massage, she will say she wants the works, and I know what she means, this way no guessing involved...
I may bring it up while she's at work, I will say, hey baby I cant till tonight to give you a nice back rub, and she will either say I cant wait either, or she'll say I want the full service tonight baby! This gives us several hours of foreplay anticipating the late night snack....
So, in a way, I am initiating it, and she is giving me her answer without feeling guilty or me seeming needy..... 
So, every time you give her a pleasant back massage, which everybody loves, the will always be thinking about sex, even if she doesn't want it...

Put your focus on her, cleaning the home, mowing the grass is a part of life, using sex as an allowance for doing things around the home can give your wife the impression that you are a child instead of a man.... Doing those things have no strings attached, its just chores that need to be done whether you have sex or not.....
Treat her like she is the hottest thing on earth, don't over do it, just tell her she is hot! And mean it! Do things you normally don't do, when she comes home from work, have the kids gone, and a bottle of wine with candles lit, and don't expect sex either, just enjoy each other, sex will soon come..... Just tell her, "Baby, I just wanna look at you".. Have a hot bubble bath for her when she comes home, candles lit, wash her back, nothing sexual, just be romantic, have a nice a cup of tea or coffee, or wine even.... Do these things over and over, and you will soon see sex, but don't look at it like sex, look at it like love..... She has to feel sexy, attracted to you, comfortable, and above all, ready...
Play games! Role Play!
Good Luck!


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

I forgot to add, your wife comes before the kids..


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

> She has to feel sexy in order to be sexy...She has to feel sexy toward her husband also...For a woman, with children this can be difficult...You may feel she is sexy, but she may not feel the same way...
> Its how you look at her, not in a perverted way, but a way that is when you see something you are very attracted to...


I agree...but ultimately it is up to her to do the things she needs to do to feel sexy. I say nice things to her...and I mean them. I do nice things for her...and I mean them. She isn't interested in feeling sexy.



> Communication is key, being in control, showing your manliness.


Our communication is very effective.



> Her rejection could be a number of factors..


She generally isn't rejecting me...she just isn't a co-creator in our sex life. She enjoys sex...and is very orgasmic...but can easily go without it. 



> She needs the chase, needs to be romanced?
> Maybe her hormones have dwindled having children??? Maybe she is depressed...


Her hormones are whacked and she has been depressed in the past. 



> Maybe you don't know how to truly satisfy her???


She has at least two orgasms every time we have sex.



> I can clean the house, do laundry, but that isn't gonna give me sex...I can tell her I love her, mow the lawn, but thats not gonna give me sex.... I can be her puppy dog and give her lots of BFF attention, but thats not gonna do it.... What does it is understanding, listening, and telling how hot she is without having sex attached....


Doesn't work on my wife...been there done that. 



> I give my wife back massages all the time cause her back it damaged.... Now, we have a game we use, if she just wants a back massage, I will give her one before bed while she is in her comfort zone...
> Now, if she wants more than a massage, she will say she wants the works, and I know what she means, this way no guessing involved...
> I may bring it up while she's at work, I will say, hey baby I cant till tonight to give you a nice back rub, and she will either say I cant wait either, or she'll say I want the full service tonight baby! This gives us several hours of foreplay anticipating the late night snack....
> So, in a way, I am initiating it, and she is giving me her answer without feeling guilty or me seeming needy.....
> So, every time you give her a pleasant back massage, which everybody loves, the will always be thinking about sex, even if she doesn't want it...


That is good stuff...we do something similar but with very direct communication.



> Put your focus on her, cleaning the home, mowing the grass is a part of life, using sex as an allowance for doing things around the home can give your wife the impression that you are a child instead of a man.... Doing those things have no strings attached, its just chores that need to be done whether you have sex or not.....
> Treat her like she is the hottest thing on earth, don't over do it, just tell her she is hot! And mean it! Do things you normally don't do, when she comes home from work, have the kids gone, and a bottle of wine with candles lit, and don't expect sex either, just enjoy each other, sex will soon come..... Just tell her, "Baby, I just wanna look at you".. Have a hot bubble bath for her when she comes home, candles lit, wash her back, nothing sexual, just be romantic, have a nice a cup of tea or coffee, or wine even.... Do these things over and over, and you will soon see sex, but don't look at it like sex, look at it like love..... She has to feel sexy, attracted to you, comfortable, and above all, ready...
> Play games! Role Play!
> Good Luck!


I am glad this works for you. To be sure...we have sex twice a week...and when she is menstruating she either gives me a bj or a hand job every third day. The problem is I'm an everyday type of guy...always have been. In addition to that...she brings very little sexual energy to the relationship. I think the main reason we have sex is because she knows I'm interested...not because she is. If I was o.k. going 10 days without sex...we'd have sex every 10 days (or longer). This is a major problem for me. She was not always this way...but has been this way for a very long time. When I asked her to marry me she was happy to have sex every day. Now she is just stressed out and not very into thriving...more about just surviving. I love her and respect her...but if I didn't have kids with her I would have been gone a long time ago. That isn't what I want though...what I want is an erotic relationship with her in which we both bring a lot of sexual energy. I plan to see a sex therapist with her in the near future to see if there is some way we can improve her sex drive...because mine won't go down and I don't want it to.

CC


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Ching Chang,

I really don't know what to say to help you. It concerns me that your wife does not even masturbate. To me, this describes an absolute lack of drive, and not just because she does not want to have sex with you.

There was a period of time, leading up to our separation, when I did not want to have sex with my husband. However, this was not really due to a lack of drive. To be quite frank, it was simply because a part of me was disgusted by and hated him. Nonetheless, I still had drive and still masturbated.

Now, the time during my actual separation was different. During this particular period of time, I actually did not have any drive whatsoever. I did not want sex. I am sure that I was just going though some serious depression, and my mind was too preoccupied to think about the simple pleasures of life.

I have no idea what may cause a complete lack of drive other than depression, or a lack of some sort of horomones. 

Is she religious? While maybe not in the past, maybe she has adopted the mentalilty that sex is for the purpose of procreation only. Do the two of you want more children? Would she have sex if it meant you were trying to have another baby?

Does she have any knowledge that you feel you married poorly. This could be a donwer, ya know.

I do agree that she needs to be reminded that you are a sexually attrative human being. I am not sure you should be going to the extent suggested by BigBadWolf, as some of what was suggested seems kind of arrogant, underhanded and even wrong. However, his overall meaning appears to make sense. You wife needs to know that you are desired by others. She may then begin to view you sexually once again. This does not mean that you should go out and have an affair, or that you should threaten or pretend to have an affair, as these things may just be viewed as a form of cruelty.

Finally, as I stated in my previous post, I do not believe a lack of sex is a reason to break up a marriage and/or family, unless all has been done to try to save it. In the end, if you have tried all things possible and nothing has worked, you will then have to re-evlauate your situation. Inevitably, you may have to ask yourself if you are capable in finding happiness throughout your life without the possibility of increased sexual activity.


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## cayest (Feb 4, 2010)

chingchang said:


> I am glad this works for you. To be sure...we have sex twice a week...and when she is menstruating she either gives me a bj or a hand job every third day. The problem is I'm an everyday type of guy...always have been. In addition to that...she brings very little sexual energy to the relationship. I think the main reason we have sex is because she knows I'm interested...not because she is. If I was o.k. going 10 days without sex...we'd have sex every 10 days (or longer). *This is a major problem for me.* She was not always this way...but has been this way for a very long time. When I asked her to marry me she was happy to have sex every day. Now she is just stressed out and not very into thriving...more about just surviving. I love her and respect her...but if I didn't have kids with her I would have been gone a long time ago. That isn't what I want though...what I want is an erotic relationship with her in which we both bring a lot of sexual energy. I plan to see a sex therapist with her in the near future to see if there is some way we can improve her sex drive...because mine won't go down and I don't want it to.
> 
> CC


I'm sorry, but IMO you "doth protestest too much." You have children and you still have sex two times per week, plus other sexual acts when your wife is on her period - but you're complaining because she doesn't have a lot of sexual energy? I think she has plenty sexual energy. Granted, it may not match your level of desire - and that's a valid complaint - but I don't think you can fault your wife. Frankly, someone who has kids but is having sex twice a week and who is still regularly giving BJs does not have an abnormally low libido.

I'm not saying that you're wrong for *wanting* more sex or for *wishing* that she would be jumping your bones and ripping your clothes off - heck, she probably *wants* a lot of things too - I'm just saying that I think you have it pretty darn good and you should probably be a lot more appreciative of your wife!


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

cayest said:


> I'm sorry, but IMO you "doth protestest too much." You have children and you still have sex two times per week, plus other sexual acts when your wife is on her period - but you're complaining because she doesn't have a lot of sexual energy? I think she has plenty sexual energy. Granted, it may not match your level of desire - and that's a valid complaint - but I don't think you can fault your wife. Frankly, someone who has kids but is having sex twice a week and who is still regularly giving BJs does not have an abnormally low libido.
> 
> I'm not saying that you're wrong for *wanting* more sex or for *wishing* that she would be jumping your bones and ripping your clothes off - heck, she probably *wants* a lot of things too - I'm just saying that I think you have it pretty darn good and you should probably be a lot more appreciative of your wife!


Point taken. Here's what kills me though...and makes me feel very lonely in this...if I don't make a move...hint at it or ask for it...it won't happen! That affects the sex because she's not bringing any sexual energy to the session...she's just being agreeable. That is nice of her...but that isn't what I'm looking for. I want to be desired...not just submitted to. One of the biggest reasons I asked her to marry me was because she was very desirous of me. She was very touchy-feeley with me and wanted to get on me. That is the type of relationship I wanted and still desire. Now I'm married to a different person. It isn't just about "getting it"...it is more than that. It is about two people going crazy on each other. I have that energy for her...she doesn't for me. I realize that isn't uncommon...I just don't like it and if I knew it would have ended-up like this I wouldn't have asked her to marry me. From reading these forums I know there are mothers...in their 30s...with multiple kids who still have lots of sexual energy for their husbands. So...I know it is possible. 

CC


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

chingchang said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Here are the facts:
> 
> ...


But why are so sure that there are so many women waiting to do all those things for you? What do you have to offer that you would garner such devotion. Do you think these woman who are waiting to throw themselves at you will make any demands on you? Will they be hot and heavy in beginning of the relationship and then fizzle out just like your wife?

I ask those questions because I think your notion of the perfect easy woman waiting to jump your bones is unrealistic. You will find women but none will be exactly what you dream they will be. The reality rarely match the dream especially when the dream is that you get a one sided relationship.

I think what you are saying is that you don't get theses things from your wife. Why is that? If you don't know why, the same problem may crop up on your dream relationship. Do you know why she is not interested in sex? What is the quality of the sex, do you alway warm her up, get her to orgasm when you have sex? Is the only problem that she does not initiate or is it frequency as well. 

Do you think you have any role in the problems that you having with your wife? You do all the nice things but do you criticize her for her lack in the bedroom, or become angry? Do you talk about sex allot? 

Before you throw in the towel, Do some reading on relationships, men's needs and women's needs and see if there are things you can discuss with your wife that may make a difference. But be honest and examine your role.


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## FeelsBadMan (Oct 13, 2010)

I'm in the same boat ching chang and it's gotten to the point when she goes into "Hurry up and get it over" mode I just shut down. We argue about it weekly and when I ask what's changed since early in our relationship when she did everything willingly,initiated, and actually enjoyed sex she claims I'm remembering wrong.
When things are going bad you always recall the good times right?
I just want her to be honest and say leave me alone or something because this is torture. She wants sex she gets it WITHOUT jumping through hoops, but waiting for her is like waiting for christmas. I jump through hoops listen to people like Catherine602 and what do I get NOTHING!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

FeelsBadMan said:


> I'm in the same boat ching chang and it's gotten to the point when she goes into "Hurry up and get it over" mode I just shut down. We argue about it weekly and when I ask what's changed since early in our relationship when she did everything willingly,initiated, and actually enjoyed sex she claims I'm remembering wrong.


When a woman is doing sex only out of obligation, it is miserable for a man for sure.

The solution, as always, to return to the ways that lit her fire when you two were first together.




> When things are going bad you always recall the good times right?


Make today better than the past, and tomorrow better than today.

With a man, this is important. WIth a woman, to do these things they are not just important, they are critical.




> I just want her to be honest and say leave me alone or something because this is torture.


Do not assume she, as a woman, is simply knowing all the answers and is deliberately holding out on you.

Chances are, she herself is not sure where the fire is, and tries and tries and in becoming more frustrated than you.

THe solution, these sexless marriages, always to stop doing all these things to beg or negotiate for sex, and for the good man to start (again like he did at the beginning of relationship) instead to do all the things that make yourself sexually attractive yourself, so that your woman is on fire and pursuing you with her own sexual drive.




> She wants sex she gets it WITHOUT jumping through hoops, but waiting for her is like waiting for christmas. I jump through hoops listen to people like Catherine602 and what do I get NOTHING!


When there is lack of sex, it is not going to be fixed by jumping through a woman's hoops. In fact, mostly the opposite.

Talking and complaining about sex, and doing more housework, these are good ways to dig deeper in sexless marriage misery with a woman.

Instead, be as the good man that you were when dating, conscious of your physical appearance, conscious of your hobbies, conscious of your plans and goals for the future and your desire to pursue these things. 

The man in control of himself and his environment, to a woman, this is what is sexually attractive.

Mostly, over the years, in these sexless marriagees, the good man in marriage as a husband changes into some strange form of a woman servant, jumping trough hoops, exchanging his own hobbies and desires and dreams and visions to merely do this or that to "make her happy."

Understand this, to "make her happy" is NEVER to be this woman servant, but to continue to be the man she was attracted to in the first place, even (especially) to the point of standing up to her when she says with words or behaves with some SH!T Test (hoop to jump through).

WHen her man jumps through the hoop, he fails the test. She is not respecting the man (boy) that tucks tail and gives in, and this is the sexual attraction killer.

When her man either ignores the hoop, tells or shows her what he thinks of the hoop, or tells or shows her what she can do with the hoop herself (this does not need to be rude or mean, think instead humor), he passes this test. She is respecting and sexually attracted to a man that is not afraid to stand for himself to her.

So the good man, if he finds himself in the sexless relationship, he needs to look hard at his own behavior to :

Stop anything begging, appeasing, negotiating, whiny, arguing about sex.

And start all things confident, calm, self assured, physically attractive, goal oriented, honest (brutally), self leadership, that communicates to his woman just this, that this kind of man can have ANY woman in the world, and this woman that he desires is her. A woman, this will light her fire. Sex is not an obligation with this kind of man, in fact exactly the oppposite. Be this man!!!

Much more at these threads:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/16435-whats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/16221-how-about-them-apples.html

I wish you well.


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> But why are so sure that there are so many women waiting to do all those things for you? What do you have to offer that you would garner such devotion. Do you think these woman who are waiting to throw themselves at you will make any demands on you? Will they be hot and heavy in beginning of the relationship and then fizzle out just like your wife?
> 
> I ask those questions because I think your notion of the perfect easy woman waiting to jump your bones is unrealistic. You will find women but none will be exactly what you dream they will be. The reality rarely match the dream especially when the dream is that you get a one sided relationship.
> 
> ...


This really comes down to unshared life priorities. Plain and simple. When a couple shares life priorities...then everything else can be worked on and a relationship can thrive. When a couple does not share life priorities...there is constant friction and/or unfulfillment. If we were to list 10 life priorities (i.e. financial stability, personal relationships, laughter, etc)...I would list sex as #1 or #2. My wife would list it as #8,9 or 10. That is a problem for me. There ARE other women out there that will rank sex as a #1 or #2 life priority. You may not be one of them, but I'd be willing to bet that 1 out of 5 or 6 healthy women would rant sex as #1 or #2. So...I'm not matched well. I realize this. I'll probably wait until the kids get out of the house and then part ways...but I've got 12 years to go. Like I said...I love her...and enjoy her. I truly do. It is sad...really. I didn't put enough time and effort into making a wise choice for a wife...

CC


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

FeelsBadMan said:


> I'm in the same boat ching chang and it's gotten to the point when she goes into "Hurry up and get it over" mode I just shut down. We argue about it weekly and when I ask what's changed since early in our relationship when she did everything willingly,initiated, and actually enjoyed sex she claims I'm remembering wrong.
> When things are going bad you always recall the good times right?
> I just want her to be honest and say leave me alone or something because this is torture. She wants sex she gets it WITHOUT jumping through hoops, but waiting for her is like waiting for christmas. I jump through hoops listen to people like Catherine602 and what do I get NOTHING!


Hugs Brother!

CC


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## cayest (Feb 4, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Mostly, over the years, in these sexless marriagees, the good man in marriage as a husband changes into some strange form of a woman servant, jumping trough hoops, exchanging his own hobbies and desires and dreams and visions to merely do this or that to "make her happy."
> 
> Understand this, to "make her happy" is NEVER to be this woman servant, but to continue to be the man she was attracted to in the first place, even (especially) to the point of standing up to her when she says with words or behaves with some SH!T Test (hoop to jump through).
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I fully agree with the comments above!

In my house, I am the breadwinner. I also do the lion's share of duties relating to the children (although we have a nanny).

When my husband used to ask me to initiate sex more often, it was a total turnoff. What, you mean I already lead in the money department, I'm the leader in the child-rearing department, now I have to lead in the sex department? You've got to be kidding! I want a man. I want a man that just comes and gets what he wants - and when he does it, he does it with strength and conviction, not all tentatively and with doubts.

That may not be your specific situation, but to tie it in with what BigBadWolf (?) was saying - I think a lot of men wash the dishes and then in the next breath take off all their clothes and wait for their wives to jump their bones. It just doesn't work that way. Broadly speaking (these are huge generalizations), feminism be damned - women are attracted to strong men and when they see you being a strong man, their instincts -and sex drive - will kick in.


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