# WTH is the difference between separation and divorce?



## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

I know what my definitions are. I don't think my "wife" shares them, but I was sensing she had given up completely on reconciling so I asked if she wanted to divorce and she said no.

Just curious to see the different definitions people have?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

For me it was just paperwork, legal stuff, and the finality that divorce gives.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can have an unofficial separation, an official (legal) separation, and divorce.

Perhaps your wife wants an unofficial separation where you are still legally bound, in every way, but just living apart?

If she wants to be permanently separated, better to have a legal separation where everything is spelled out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A lot of poeple think that a separation means that they can act like they are not married.


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You can have an unofficial separation, an official (legal) separation, and divorce.
> 
> Perhaps your wife wants an unofficial separation where you are still legally bound, in every way, but just living apart?
> 
> If she wants to be permanently separated, better to have a legal separation where everything is spelled out.



Well, things are unofficial but we've completely split finances. She was adamant. When I said I wanted an agreement we wouldn't date other people... she seemed... apprehensive, or maybe angry. I don't know if she thought I was accusing her of something, or if she thought I was trying to control her to give myself one more chance... I dunno. She agreed to it though when I told her it's because we ARE still married, not divorced, and I know she's not running out to bang everything she finds, but I'm a guy who's separated from his wife, this is all hard enough to take as it is, and it would make me feel better.

But I'm 99% sure she doesn't consider this a trial separation, so I guess that means it's permanent? Which is why I don't understand why not head straight to divorce.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Saffy said:


> Well, things are unofficial but we've completely split finances. She was adamant. When I said I wanted an agreement we wouldn't date other people... she seemed... apprehensive, or maybe angry. I don't know if she thought I was accusing her of something, or if she thought I was trying to control her to give myself one more chance... I dunno. She agreed to it though when I told her it's because we ARE still married, not divorced, and I know she's not running out to bang everything she finds, but I'm a guy who's separated from his wife, this is all hard enough to take as it is, and it would make me feel better.
> 
> But I'm 99% sure she doesn't consider this a trial separation, so I guess that means it's permanent? Which is why I don't understand why not head straight to divorce.


Separation, to me, is limbo. Neither here nor there. I'm absolutely not considering dating before my divorce is final although my STBXH moved on months ago. 

As for your wife, I'm not sure why she would want that situation for some open-ended period of time. It's not a fun place to be.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of poeple think that a separation means that they can act like they are not married.


That's my STBXW. 

We are not even formally separated, she never had the courtesy to say "I now regard us as separated", we still live under the same roof.....but she regards us as separated - or so she informed me very recently. She uses it to justify her relationship with OM to herself.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of poeple think that a separation means that they can act like they are not married.


Even that has two ways of looking at it.

I didn't want seperation, but I got it anyway. Once I accepted that, my marriage became no more than a piece of paper and as far as I am concerned I am single. I will become divorced as soon as she gets off her ass and files for it. I choose to no longer live in limbo waiting for her to do me that courtesy. I am willing to accept whatever criticism that brings. I know some might consider what i am doing now wrong, but I am upfront and honest about my position and the important thing is that I am OK with it and so is the person I am "kind of seeing".

The more common theme seems to be the one wanting out, using it as an excuse to do what they were already planning on doing and justifying their actions with it.

I guess it depends on your view and definition of the words as well as who instigated and why. For me, I have chosen for there to be no difference. I am mentally divorced while waiting for the reality to catch up and make no apologies for it.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Saffy said:


> WTH is the difference between separation and divorce?


A few pieces of paper and several thousands of dollars.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

:iagree::iagree:

When you're done, you're done. When you're both done.. a piece of paper changes nothing.


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

I gotta say, I wish I knew what the hell her thoughts on this were.

Finances are split, I gave her the house and almost everything else. The ONLY thing left is I'm paying to bring the house up to code. She can live in it or sell it at that point, I don't care either way. I don't see how that justifies holding off a divorce since we're not disputing anything and I'm a man of my word.

The way I look at it - separation is saying you're not sure you made the right decision and you need some time apart to look inside yourself. Divorce is saying you've done that, and you know it's done.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Saffy said:


> I gotta say, I wish I knew what the hell her thoughts on this were.
> 
> Finances are split, I gave her the house and almost everything else. The ONLY thing left is I'm paying to bring the house up to code. She can live in it or sell it at that point, I don't care either way. I don't see how that justifies holding off a divorce since we're not disputing anything and I'm a man of my word.
> 
> The way I look at it - separation is saying you're not sure you made the right decision and you need some time apart to look inside yourself. Divorce is saying you've done that, and you know it's done.


I think some people do R after separation but far too many use it as an excuse to date.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When I met my husband he'd been divorced for several years, but had been "separated" for several years before that while they both went about their own business. Had I met him during the separation period i would've passed him over, because to me separated means you haven't made up your mind. Even if you are in a mandatory separation period, which some states require, I still tend to think most people aren't ready to move on, at least seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Excuse? My "excuse" is my marriage is over and died so long before I realised, CPR isn't an option. 

I respect those who keep to themselves till its final but that is a choice not an obligation imo.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

It's a matter of degree.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Even that has two ways of looking at it.
> 
> I didn't want seperation, but I got it anyway. Once I accepted that, my marriage became no more than a piece of paper and as far as I am concerned I am single.


Yeah, but you fought and fought and fought for your marriage. You weren't exactly one of those people who said "Ooooooh, I'm separated. I'm going to go out and f*** someone" after a week.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm just stubborn like that.

I'm still not D'd but I am now doing that new person stuff. What's the worst that can happen.. after everthing she has said she wants to try again? No thanks heh.


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