# Having serious problems coping......please help.



## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

I posted my original story back in Sept. It's interesting how I questioned my intuition. I really did have everything spot on. I remember reading a statement on here back in Sept. It was something to the effect of "if you think something is going on it probably is". Well, that was very true. I really had zero evidence, I only felt lonely, like his heart wasn't with me. It's crazy how something so simple was so telling. Going through something like this has taught me never to question my intuition. 
Against my better judgment we are trying to work through it. I really do not think I will ever trust him again but I'm willing to try. His Job requires him to travel a lot which in turn would require me to trust him. We're both going to marriage counseling and individual counseling as well. I need help right now overcoming the enormous amount of lies that he told and how he could look at our 6yr old son and lie to him saying "daddy has to go to work on a Sat?" when he actually was going to see her. How could a father do this? This type of thing went on for 3 months! Thanks for reading this. Any advice would be appreciated. Here's my story, I updated it at the bottom of the OT. Thanks! April

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...re-looking-somewho-understands-spymember.html


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

What are you looking for advice with specifically
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So you are trying to verify if he is still lying to you?


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> What are you looking for advice with specifically
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi, thanks for your response, I'm wondering how one gets past the horrible lies and moves past it in order the make your marriage work. Honestly, as of right now ( 12 days post D-day) the mind movies are still playing 24-7 and I can't seem to quit thinking about how calculated and juvenile the schemes were just to get to see her. It reminds me of when I was 16 and lying to my mom! I mean, my God, this man is almost 40 yrs old! I just can't get past it! He's been busting his ass to make things right since D-day but that means nothing to me considering this damn affair went on for 3 months! Uggghhhhhhhh! How confusing! Thanks for your help and time. April


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The best advice I've seen on here isto go to an MD and get some Meds. Also individual counseling.

What is your husband doing to help you through this? Do you think he has just taken the affair further underground?


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

chapparal said:


> So you are trying to verify if he is still lying to you?


Actually I plan on putting the voice recorder back in his car this week. He claims he ended it; no contact at all but I mean, really.....I'm I going to believe that this early?  I told him as one of the stipulations for him to get to stay is that they cannot work together anymore! He said " well that could take a while, I would have to put in for a transfer to the pentagon and that will take some time." So let me get this straight.......I'm suppose to sit around all day while you go work with this tramp!" I could actually turn his ass and her's into their commander! How's that for speeding things along! Mr. Major screwing around with an enlisted! I actually called the chaplain today to ask for advice. I want them to get in trouble but I don't want my husband to lose his job; we have a 6yr old together. I'm calling Jag on Monday to ask what could happen to them both. One great thing I have on my side.....their commander is a newlywed female! Thanks for your help! April


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm afraid here is no shortcut. It's a process, a very long process. 

I recall reading your thread I was going to tell you that your marriage was on DEFCON1.

It sounds like you elected to let him off the hook and didn't expose ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

chapparal said:


> The best advice I've seen on here isto go to an MD and get some Meds. Also individual counseling.
> 
> What is your husband doing to help you through this? Do you think he has just taken the affair further underground?


Thank you, I actually called my Dr on day 10 post D-day and told him I had lost nearly 15 lbs and could not quit crying. I have a 6yr old that depends on me so I have to get it together. He called me in some xanax . I've never taken meds before so this is very strange for me.  I feel like this thing has defeated me.  I'm not sure if he has taken it underground or not. Nothing would surprise me at this point though! I'll find out; believe me. Thanks again for your help. What a great place to not feel alone.  April


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I'm afraid here is no shortcut. It's a process, a very long process.
> 
> I recall reading your thread I was going to tell you that your marriage was on DEFCON1.
> 
> ...


What do you mean? April


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You were military if I recall? I guessed youd know what I meant by defcon1... Or where u asking what I meant by exposure?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You were military if I recall? I guessed youd know what I meant by defcon1... Or where u asking what I meant by exposure?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes, I'm asking what both mean. Thanks. April


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Google the defcon thing... It's short for defense condition... It's the war status alert.. What state of alert for the military. defCon1 has never happened... It's essentially "nuclear war imminent"

Exposure... you don't know what that is? How much/many thread have you read with other people's stories? 

I can tell you what it is, why you do it, etc... But I will need to switch to my PC I can't type fast enough on this thing.

Maybe it's written out in someone else's thread.. Maybe the welcome noobie thread that almost recovered wrote...


*does anyone know where there is a simple primer about exposure in another thread so she can familiarize herself with it? *

That would help tremendously, then I can tell you more and talk through some of this with you if our interested
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Google the defcon thing... It's short for defense condition... It's the war status alert.. What state of alert for the military. defCon1 has never happened... It's essentially "nuclear war imminent"
> 
> Exposure... you don't know what that is? How much/many thread have you read with other people's stories?
> 
> ...



Thanks, i'll look all of that up. As far as exposure, I did expose him. I confronted him with the evidence I had ( I didn't tell him how) and he confessed to it. Thanks, April


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

No, that's not exposure. Check ur PMs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

The xanax will help but it's not a miracle drug. Short term you will notice it takes the edge off so it's good. But the cause is so bad that it starts to take over again. They may want to up your dosage because of that. Problem is, the side effects are worse with higher dosages. You may just want to keep them light, just to keep the edge off.

Good luck.


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, that's not exposure. Check ur PMs
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks so much for the link. Yes, I have told almost everyone, I had a $230 cell bill this month! He's embarrassed.....good, he needs to be! What really has him sweating is that I'm good friends with the wife of a guy that works with him. He keeps asking me if I've told anyone else he works with.  Good, let him worry! :smthumbup: We had to pick up our son at a friends house last week and he asked me to drop him off at home first because he wasn't ready to face them yet. Our neighbor is in the coast guard and is angry because he provided a reference for his security clearance!  I don't care who knows really. This man made me out to be nuts for 3 months! I feel like going outside with a damn megaphone and announcing it in our town home subdivision! Thanks! April


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I just read your original thread. 20 something, huh? Yes, put the recorder back in. Went cold turkey for 12 days? Seems suspiciously OK with losing her?


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

MrK said:


> The xanax will help but it's not a miracle drug. Short term you will notice it takes the edge off so it's good. But the cause is so bad that it starts to take over again. They may want to up your dosage because of that. Problem is, the side effects are worse with higher dosages. You may just want to keep them light, just to keep the edge off.
> 
> Good luck.


Thanks, yes honestly when I called my Dr, I told him I only weigh 105lbs so I didn't want anything strong. He gave me .25mg and I've been breaking them in half. I can't tell a difference. I still feel like crying all day for the most part. Today I took s whole pill but still no real differnce . The pain has been so intense somedays I feel like a robot. I don't even know who I am anymore. Its changed me from this vibrant, happy person to a hollow, insecure shell of who I use to be. It's really awful what this has done to me.


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

MrK said:


> I just read your original thread. 20 something, huh? Yes, put the recorder back in. Went cold turkey for 12 days? Seems suspiciously OK with losing her?


Yep, you got it. Think I'll go do it now! Ughhhhhh, it's cold in northern VA tonight! I dread going out there! Yes, 20 something.  Said he did it completely cold turkey! April


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

Sunshine, credit to you, what an endurance march you,ve set out on!
I am new here I,ve read your posts and you are obviously a woman with high standards.I dont know you or your husband, I hope he will somehow through some soul searching truly realise what you are going through and value you accordingly!! Best wishes


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

boto227 said:


> Sunshine, credit to you, what an endurance march you,ve set out on!
> I am new here I,ve read your posts and you are obviously a woman with high standards.I dont know you or your husband, I hope he will somehow through some soul searching truly realise what you are going through and value you accordingly!! Best wishes


How sweet, thank you so very much for your kind words. Only time will tell if he truly realizes what destruction his actions have caused. I can only hope I'm not opening up my heart for more pain. Thank you, April


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

sunshine93 said:


> He gave me .25mg and I've been breaking them in half. I can't tell a difference. I still feel like crying all day for the most part. Today I took s whole pill but still no real differnce.(



If I've done all of the math correctly, you've only been on them for three days. It could take weeks for it to build up in your system enough to do anything. And keep it at 25. That sounds light to me, and if you told a Dr. to start light, he's going to start light. They'd do that anyhow. I'm sure 12.5 ends up being a tiny pill. Stick with the whole thing and hang in there for another week or two. It really should help. 

If not? Ask the Dr. what the range is he would normally prescribe someone like you. If he says "anywhere between 25 and 350", go up a little more. On my meds I had positive effects at 75, but at 150 the negative side effects started to hit. That on a medication he would prescribe up to 300 mg w/o a problem.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sunshine93 said:


> Yep, you got it. Think I'll go do it now! Ughhhhhh, it's cold in northern VA tonight! I dread going out there! Yes, 20 something.  Said he did it completely cold turkey! April


Trust but verify! Usually during the first 6 months, one of them is going to fish.


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## sunshine93 (Sep 9, 2011)

MrK said:


> If I've done all of the math correctly, you've only been on them for three days. It could take weeks for it to build up in your system enough to do anything. And keep it at 25. That sounds light to me, and if you told a Dr. to start light, he's going to start light. They'd do that anyhow. I'm sure 12.5 ends up being a tiny pill. Stick with the whole thing and hang in there for another week or two. It really should help.
> 
> If not? Ask the Dr. what the range is he would normally prescribe someone like you. If he says "anywhere between 25 and 350", go up a little more. On my meds I had positive effects at 75, but at 150 the negative side effects started to hit. That on a medication he would prescribe up to 300 mg w/o a problem.


Thanks, I went to my Dr today and he prescribed Abilify. He thinks I'm very emotionally unstable (ya think?! LOL). Anyway, thinks I may be bi-polar as well. He's keeping me on xanax too. God I hope I don't turn into a freaking zombie! I'm going to increase the xanax . The .25 is doing nothing for me right now! Thanks again for your help. Now.......if I could just get past the whole feeling of wanting to kiss my husband and castrate him at the same time! OMG......the emotions are killing me! Is it easier to just let go and move on? Thanks, April



lordmayhem said:


> Trust but verify! Usually during the first 6 months, one of them is going to fish.


Yes, you're correct. He's of course telling me right now that it's completely over but I will never believe it. I'm Honestly going back and forth daily on wether or not I even want to work things out. I know I'm only 14 days post D-day but I really feel in my heart I will never be able to move past this. My precious son and I deserve so much more. My husband never deserved an honest, devoted person as myself. Thanks, April


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