# PORN PORN go away..



## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

Come again another day.. (sorry lol)

My husband and I have had issues in the past with porn.. won't go into the details. But he promised to not look at it anymore, not even for me but for himself. He is religious and decided it didn't make him feel good, and felt it did have a negative effect on some marriages.. it did on ours for a while.

Fast forward..I've just had my second kid and feeling pretty insecure..but I also have been bumping up the sex and my willingness to try new things to improve our sex life and make us grow closer. I've been willing to try pretty much anything for my husband and go above and beyond for him with the exception of a threesome (we're both against that). I get a power high from knowing how I effect him and I know he has been enjoying it too.  Even been thinking about allowing porn into the marriage, if he's comfortable with it.. Maybe it's a bad idea though? We have had so many problems with it in the past. He's lied to me about it and always done it behind my back. In the beginning I even offered to watch it with him so I felt less cheated on..but he didn't seem too interested in that. After I had our first child, I found some porn on his phone but felt so detached and numb towards him it didn't bother me as much..I was just disappointed he messed up (again). But we're all human and make mistakes, and he was very remorseful. However..after that he never did the things necessary to earn back my trust. Always had private browsing on his phone turned on (when I'd turn it off, he'd go back and turn it back on..) so I could never see the history. I will stop looking when he's willing to prove to me he's not doing anything behind my back. And come on..I'm not stupid. He's hiding something for a reason.. I'd LOVE to be able to trust him again but he just wasn't taking the steps to earn back my trust. Anyway, through all of that he still said he wasn't looking at it and never would. He said he wanted to from time to time, which is understandable. It offers an easy release for him..and I am all for masturbation.

We got into a really bad fight last night because I found some more porn on his phone, only this time he blamed ME for him looking at it. He said he did it to me to get back at me for a fight we had gotten into last weekend. What the hell...really??? 

What do I do? Any advice is appreciated..ask any questions you need to. I'm sorry if I haven't provided enough information in advance. I'm just tired of this. I am doing all I can do make HIM happy. He deserves to be happy. And he is a good man..totally worth the fight. I'm not an easy person to be with.. I'm trying to be better. I have depression, insecurity issues sometimes, trust issues...etc. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt though. It makes it hard when he keeps acting like he's hiding something. He also said he was acting like he was hiding stuff to get back at me.. but I don't know if I believe him. There is obviously a lot of resentment in our relationship on both sides.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your approach does not sound unreasonable. He probably hides it because he feels ashamed of looking at it. That probably stems from the general attitude society has about it, and/or the way his mother reacted when she discovered his stash as a teenager. Also the fact he had prior issues which you don't elaborate on - if he knows he should stop but doesn't, that would do it.

Has he read any of Patrick Carnes books?

That said, are you sure he's just looking at porn and not going farther? 

I would sit him down and have a heart to heart with him, and tell him you don't have a problem with the porn but the fact he hides it and lies makes you uncomfortable, so from now on he has to quit with the hiding and lying and deleting browser history. You could also suggest that a keylogger be put on his phone to keep him accountable.

My husband has huge issues with online porn (you can read my story in my sig) and he can't look at it online at all, ever. Mags and DVD's are ok, although right now he's stopped that too because of an issue we had.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, guys and girls need to get the union reps at the table and work out a deal.

Guys will stop looking at porn when girls stop reading 50 Shades of Grey. Because let's face it. There are no Grey area's of those books. It's porn.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Okay, guys and girls need to get the union reps at the table and work out a deal.
> 
> Guys will stop looking at porn when girls stop reading 50 Shades of Grey. Because let's face it. There are no Grey area's of those books. It's porn.


This really doesn't have much to do with the OP's question.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Nope! But you're right. Not helping but it's more of the same.

The thing is, men are made to feel shameful of appreciating the female form. Like, when you're a kid and you get caught looking at your uncles copy of Playboy. Mom goes ballistic! Dad usually doesn't. Actually, they'll be more understanding and they're like, "Well, at least I know he's interested in girls."


So, I guess all I'm saying is it could be stemming from childhood hang ups that looking at naked pics and movies is wrong. Therefore, he feels shameful.

Just a theory.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> This really doesn't have much to do with the OP's question.


Not to mention guys are gonna watch porn whether women are reading 50 Shades of Grey or not...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Nope! But you're right. Not helping but it's more of the same.
> 
> The thing is, men are made to feel shameful of appreciating the female form. Like, when you're a kid and you get caught looking at your uncles copy of Playboy. Mom goes ballistic! Dad usually doesn't. Actually, they'll be more understanding and they're like, "Well, at least I know he's interested in girls."
> 
> ...


OK, but why even post that in here? Did you read her post? She doesn't have the attitude that many women do about it.

And FTR I have not read 50SOG and have no intention of doing so. But I do like porn sometimes


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

AsTheStoryGoes,

As you stated yourself the real problem here are your own feelings of insecurity and your own self-esteem, and maybe body image. The strategy you are currently taking is to insist that your husband doesn't look at porn, and he agrees because of own feelings of shame. But he can't keep his end of the agreement and this just leaves you feeling worse about yourself. Even if he was able to keep to his word about the porn would all of your insecurities go away? I doubt it. This is really your problem and depending on him for the solution is not working.

I would suggest that you focus on getting to a place where you can live with the fact that your husband looks at porn? Maybe some counseling or self-help type projects would be in order? That way you can get out of the position of being a victim every time you find something on his computer. If he feels ashamed of his porn use let him deal with that. You work on your own self-esteem.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Well I think OP should stop acting like her husband's mom, and start acting like his wife.

If he watches porn or anything like that, then yes it is wrong, but who gave you the right to sneak into his browser history and everything. 

I think if you keep pushing like that it will increase the anger and will make the problem worse. TRY TO RESPECT HIS PRIVACY and give him a room and instead of ordering him to stop watching porn try to tell him that how is it bad for your relationship and I believe he is not a kid so he will understand and do something about it.

And I think its OK to see porn once in a while   But I am guy so what can I say.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

There is a massive difference between written porn (which I don't read) and visual porn. 

There is a lot of info out there on how watching porn changes the brain, and our pleasure receptors. Many men and women are uncomfortable with porn for a reason, and people choosing to view porn in a lot of relationships cause a lot of harm. 

You both decided what your boundaries are, and he continues to break them. It doesn't matter what everyone else on earth thinks about porn, it does matter that your husband does not respect you or your marriage enough to keep the boundaries that you both set.

No man needs porn. And just because it is a societal norm, doesn't mean it's healthy.

Porn is like the junk food of sex, but worse because it often makes men think that the real deal (like a nice roast) isn't delicious or worth it. Stats also show that men that view a lot of porn do have less respect for women, are more critical of their partners looks and more demanding (wanting porn like sex) in the bedroom. And women who's husbands view a lot of porn generally have lower self esteem then those that don't.

This is a great film to watch together.

Price of Pleasure Preview | Media Education Foundation


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> Well I think OP should stop acting like her husband's mom, and start acting like his wife.
> 
> If he watches porn or anything like that, then yes it is wrong, but who gave you the right to sneak into his browser history and everything.
> 
> ...


Bad advice.

If he doesn't want her to act like his mum, then he should stop acting like a child and behave like a man who's got it together and a man of his word. His behaviour is causing the mistrust.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

needyForHelp said:


> Well I think OP should stop acting like her husband's mom, and start acting like his wife.
> 
> If he watches porn or anything like that, then yes it is wrong, but who gave you the right to sneak into his browser history and everything.
> 
> ...


Did you read that part where she says he had a prior issue with porn and agreed to stop using it?? And where she said she isn't trying to make him stop?

She wants him to quit HIDING it and LYING about it.


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

I found a lot of your guys's advice VERY HELPFUL and greatly appreciate the support. 

I feel ridiculous for having such a problem with porn and I wish I didn't, but the fact of the matter is I do..and my husband agreed to set boundaries that he has broken more than once. I do agree that there are issues I need to work on within myself, and the same goes for him..

Needyforhelp, if I hadn't gone and looked at his phone, I wouldn't have found proof that he has looked at it again/been looking at it (in order to hurt me) and then what good would that have done? Does it make it okay for my husband to KNOWINGLY continue to hurt me????? How is that going to fix the problem at all???? And unfortunately for me, I have told him my feelings about the problem MULTIPLE times. Know why I have resorted to looking at his browser history? Because he has broken my trust multiple times. Not only that, but he hasn't even tried to prove to me that he can be trusted. He would rather act like nothing is wrong, or nothing has happened in the past, and continue to hide whatever it is he's hiding on his phone, which has obviously made the problem worse. And for the record, prior to having to resort to looking at his search history, I stumbled upon porn on accident on his phone. He left it up on his browser..whoopsy. And before that he was looking at it with me right there in the bed..I had been sleeping.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. I have even considered trying to let it not bother me for the sake of my husband's happiness. But it's never okay to do something that you know is going to hurt your spouse over and over again, and then lie about it.. and in our most recent case, do it in order to hurt/get back at your spouse.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, I don't see too many options for you. You either talk it out and have the hard "talk"...or divorce him if it bothers you that much. I mean, little deer already has written your husband off as a man that has no respect for you or the marriage and the wires in his brain are all screwed up because he viewed porn or something like that.....

My opinion is if looking at images on a screen is all he's doing....well, I can think about 20 worse things he COULD be doing.

But, men are very visual creatures. Guys are going to look and there's no escape from it. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, Hooters, the Tilted Kilt, The Victoria Secret catalog... There's an old saying. You can look at the menu, but you better not eat off of it. 
OR the next guy you find needs to be COMPLETELY blind.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Well, I don't see too many options for you. You either talk it out and have the hard "talk"...or divorce him if it bothers you that much. I mean, little deer already has written your husband off as a man that has no respect for you or the marriage and the wires in his brain are all screwed up because he viewed porn or something like that.....
> 
> My opinion is if looking at images on a screen is all he's doing....well, I can think about 20 worse things he COULD be doing.
> 
> ...


How dismissive and narrow minded. There are men out there who do not use porn, many men who even admit to having problems with porn and who have sought help and now do not watch it. There are plenty of avenues for you if you have a porn problem.

Moreover it is obviously a huge problem, it's one of the biggest issues currently bought up in marriage counselling and every single day there are posts on this board by men and women who have issues with porn, so OP, you are not alone.

IMO porn should make women uncomfortable and if men truly look at it for what it is they should be uncomfortable too.

The less porn viewed and more time focused on each other the better. Every time you orgasm you release oxytocin and when you do that with your spouse it increases your chance of staying together as it ensures you bond with one another. Every time you orgasm to porn or the like you are increasing the disconnect. 

OP I don't think anything will change if your husband does not think there will be definite consequences. You need to find a good marriage counsellour and if you are not happy find another and look for a service that can help him with his porn problem too.

He should also agree to be an open book, and save his browser history or have a phone with no internet plan or internet available. Anything to prove that he's willing to change.

You also need to work on your sexual connection. Do you turn him down for sex much? It can be very unnattractive to a woman to have to "babysit " her husband. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and do the right thing in your marriage, pull his own weight and do his fair share (but he shouldn't be a doormat).


Good luck.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Don't tell porn to go away...then life for so many men would become 10x more miserable...

Do either of you resent each other?
Have you ever demonized him for his drive? Perhaps say he sees you as nothing more than just a F buddy? Or some other way to demonize his drive? 
Because I imagine that builds up resentment, and that doesn't lead to a healthy relationship.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

It is interesting that the title of your thread and the general thrust of your question is about porn. You are focussing on a symptom and ignoring the cause.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I personally think that you are fighting an impossible battle. I'd have to say that it is highly unlikely that he will stop viewing porn, no matter what you do. So what do you do.

How would you feel if he were honest and let you know that he cannot stop the porn and this is the man he is? 

You can agree to certain conditions like - he will confine his habits to private times, that it does not interfere with his participation with his family, work or the intimate relationship with you or that the children will never be exposed to his porn use. 

Would you be able to deal with that? That will put you in the position of accepting that you cannot control him or anyone for that matter. That is a difficult position but is often the case in relationships. 

Try to separate what you do in the relationship from his porn habit. There is nothing you can do sexually or otherwise that will stop him from watching porn.

Make sure your sex life is mutually satisfying. If he is not pleasing you in the bedroom as much as you are pleasing him, let him know. 

Don't be quiet out of fear he will resort to porn. He will do that anyway. There is a lot of blame shifting in this thread relative to your feelings. 

It mirrors your husbands attitude. Porn is not a problem because of women, it is a problem for some women and men.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> How dismissive and narrow minded. There are men out there who do not use porn, many men who even admit to having problems with porn and who have sought help and now do not watch it. There are plenty of avenues for you if you have a porn problem.


 Okay, there are men out there that don't watch porn, but what I think that your dismissing all together is that regardless if a man watches porn or not, he's going to look at the female form. He's going to look at a pretty girl walking by and impure thoughts and urges about that girl may enter his mind. But, alot of those men don't act out on those urges, they keep them in check. So, basically, you're telling me that you've lost faith in men in general. 

So, what I find I see is narrow minded is your belief that this doesn't happen. That your dismissing human nature.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Oh for the love of...

Okay first, porn is not the problem, only the symptom... You can only address it if both parties are willing to discuss it openly and honestly, both parties issues with past resentments, intimacy issues, your insecurities, and so forth...

Second, OP, you can not change him, you can only change you, your viewpoints, if you are going to keep checking behind him, make a decisive change in you and see where he follows...

Last, let's not turn this into another porn bashing thread... Because lets be honest, if those stats were true... Most guys are already destroyed by their twenties... And some people do have healthy relationships with pornography.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Ok you might think I'm nuts but try this and see what happens. Let him catch you watching porn and act like you didn't expect him to come home so eearly or something like that.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A few questions...

1 - What did he actually do that made you want him to stop?

2 - Why is a DVD better than on-line porn?

3 - Is his porn watching connected to masturbation (do you even know if he masturbates?)

4 - You said your stepping up sexual activity. Curious as to what that means. For example if you say you have gone from once a year to six times a year, most of us don't consider that "stepping up". If your going once per week, still some of us may think that isn't enough for his drive.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> A few questions...
> 
> 2 - Why is a DVD better than on-line porn?


I can answer this for my husband. On line porn has links to sex chats, meet up sites, webcam shows etc. that it's just too easy to click on for my husband. The porn itself is just porn, but the links and extras are a no no for him.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I can answer this for my husband. On line porn has links to sex chats, meet up sites, webcam shows etc. that it's just too easy to click on for my husband. The porn itself is just porn, but the links and extras are a no no for him.


Is avoiding those links a problem for him? Or just something you perceive to be a potential problem? I'm just curious. For me, the last thing I want to do is interact with a live person while masturbating. Those things are just an annoyance for me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

east2west said:


> Is avoiding those links a problem for him? Or just something you perceive to be a potential problem? I'm just curious. For me, the last thing I want to do is interact with a live person while masturbating. Those things are just an annoyance for me.


There's a link to my story in my sig line which explains the whole sordid mess we went through. After I kicked him out on D day he established that as one of his 'red light' behaviours and stays far away from online adult sites now. He decided that, not me.

We hadn't established anything together, though, and a couple months ago when I found out he occasionally (like 3 times a year) watches porn DVD's or looks at mags and masturbates, I had a freak out because I had thought that also was one of his 'red light' behaviours. We're working through that and for now the mags and DVD's are also off limits. Again, he set that boundary for himself, I didn't demand it. I do not believe in demanding he behave a certain way when it comes to porn - he has to figure it out for himself. I just ask he keep me informed, as our lack of communication from this incident illustrates is necessary.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

crossbar said:


> Okay, guys and girls need to get the union reps at the table and work out a deal.
> 
> Guys will stop looking at porn when girls stop reading 50 Shades of Grey. Because let's face it. There are no Grey area's of those books. It's porn.


 Not all woman read those types of books. I don't and i am not interested in ever reading anything like that. I would rather do it the read or watch it. I have enough sexual stuff running through my head all the time, i don't need to fill it with more =)


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

AsTheStoryGoes said:


> Come again another day.. (sorry lol)
> 
> My husband and I have had issues in the past with porn.. won't go into the details. But he promised to not look at it anymore, not even for me but for himself. He is religious and decided it didn't make him feel good, and felt it did have a negative effect on some marriages.. it did on ours for a while.
> 
> ...


Checking his history? Turning off the inprivate option on his browser after he turned it on? No. You're his wife, not his mother. Keeping on mothering your husband, and he'll resent you for it.

Let it go. If this grown man wants to give up porn it's got to be because HE wants to do it. It can't be contingent on your body image issues, how much you do, or do not, offer sex, or your borderline obsessive need to correct what you deem a problem. If porn is a problem for him only he, and he alone, can cease it. You've already let your opinion be known, and that's all you can do. If his porn habit continues, and he continues lying in order to make you feel better, and you can not, or will not, live with it, than leave.

In the meantime get yourself together. Work on getting your self esteem back; work on that body, work on that mind, and work on that spirit. Be a wife to your husband, not a nanny or his mommie.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would advise getting this book and reading it together >>

Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship:



> Love and Pornography chronicles a couple's struggle to find the openness, honesty and integrity to deal with a subject that is detested by some yet captivating, even compulsive to others.
> 
> The authors' compassionate nonjudgmental message will defuse the polarized dialogue around porn. Providing the tools to understand the needs on both sides, this ground-breaking approach promotes the insight and awareness necessary to move beyond the conflict and emerge with a relationship stronger, more loving, and more resilient than ever before.


 With his history of hiding, this is where the mistrust comes in, but I feel so many women shame their men, demanding....this only creates this merry go round of hiding... Demanding something will never take the "quench" away. He needs to be understood - which is very difficult for a man to relay because of how women view this..in fact it is nearly impossible... 

Because women are not men, they do not have the sexual urges men have, the overactive fantasy life.. the 10x of testosterone running through their bodies affecting their brains. Yes, they are doggish, but we love them anyway. It does not mean he wants those women over his wife, there is no emotional attachment whatsoever. 

Is he not satisfying your sexual needs, is he using PORN over you ?? 

Just as you need to allow him to talk about this... he also needs to hear YOU, and how this hurts you, if both can just open up with each other, stop the hiding and put this on the table... commit to hearing each other out ... this is your answer.. why I recommend the book above. 

I bought it for pure curiosity..(me & my husband enjoy porn together, he used to hide cause I was a religious nut & I used to post scriptures on his desktop shaming him) - looking back, I can laugh at this... We save every orgasm for each other... 

I only got so far in the book.... but I believe the husband gives it up on his own, not out of compulsion or demands, but just because he finally felt heard, understood, and they agreed it was for the best... Every couple may have a different outcome but honesty throughout all is the way to go.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

AsTheStoryGoes, does your husband have any high quality, sexy photos of you that he can "look at and enjoy" when you are not around? 

I am talking about photos that could make his heart skip a beat? If he doesn't, you two should get out your digital camera a take some. This can be a fun activity and will lead you to find out exactly what he likes to look at.

I have hundreds of digital pictures of my wife....and instead of looking at porn, I look thru these instead....just an idea.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Okay, guys and girls need to get the union reps at the table and work out a deal.
> 
> Guys will stop looking at porn when girls stop reading 50 Shades of Grey. Because let's face it. There are no Grey area's of those books. It's porn.


Hmmm badly written pornographic literature, oh my bites lip 

So not really read this, but have read much better from aspiring erotic writers, such as dogging and dipping 

meh i watch porn too. 



ladybird said:


> Not all woman read those types of books. I don't and i am not interested in ever reading anything like that. I would rather do it the read or watch it. I have enough sexual stuff running through my head all the time, i don't need to fill it with more =)


I wouldn't read but as said before i would read others works, i like to write sex myself so  nothing wrong with being filled with more ideas.



I Notice The Details said:


> AsTheStoryGoes, does your husband have any high quality, sexy photos of you that he can "look at and enjoy" when you are not around?
> 
> I am talking about photos that could make his heart skip a beat? If he doesn't, you two should get out your digital camera a take some. This can be a fun activity and will lead you to find out exactly what he likes to look at.
> 
> I have hundreds of digital pictures of my wife....and instead of looking at porn, I look thru these instead....just an idea.


Shudders my estranged did this had a HD full of pics and vids of me, i became porn and he had no use for the real me, strange but true. 

To the OP you do need to work on the insecurities you are feeling i don't believe they are justified, are you not a beautiful sexy woman in your own right, then act like it


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Because women are not men, they do not have the sexual urges men have, the overactive fantasy life..


I do have alot of sexual urges and have a very active imagination, what you have stated, is such a sweeping generalisation of women, as women full well know we have learn't to hide it less we be called all the names under the sun, you don't need me to list them do you now. :smthumbup:


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Shudders my estranged did this had a HD full of pics and vids of me, i became porn and he had no use for the real me, strange but true.




That seems very strange to me. I like focusing on my wife instead of looking outside my marriage to have my needs met.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Shudders my estranged did this had a HD full of pics and vids of me, i became porn and he had no use for the real me, strange but true.


Oh wow!


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Shudders my estranged did this had a HD full of pics and vids of me, i became porn and he had no use for the real me, strange but true.


 This is how I am... Loads of fun vids and pics of wife... 
The best porn there is in my opinion


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> AsTheStoryGoes, does your husband have any high quality, sexy photos of you that he can "look at and enjoy" when you are not around?
> 
> I am talking about photos that could make his heart skip a beat? If he doesn't, you two should get out your digital camera a take some. This can be a fun activity and will lead you to find out exactly what he likes to look at.
> 
> I have hundreds of digital pictures of my wife....and instead of looking at porn, I look thru these instead....just an idea.


Used to..especially when he was deployed over seas. I even sent him a video or two, and he used to have one on his phone.

Since I have posted this thread..we have done A LOT of talking. He was honest with me, saying that he would view porn on his own when he wasn't getting any from me or I wasn't around. I did just have a baby, so while I was pregnant, especially towards the end, I was very uncomfortable, tired, HUGE..etc..so sex wasn't on my mind very much or very easy for me. Unfortunately I also wasn't very accommodating for my husband..I see that now. But I had no idea it had been a problem until recently. We're both opening up to each other now, more than we ever have, and I feel like SO many issues are finally being addressed and discussed, so we can fix our problems. All I wanted from him was honesty to begin with.

Concerning porn, I know my own problem with it stems from jealousy and insecurity issues, but I haven't always been like that. I'm open to compromising with him..would it be asking too much if I was the one to pick out a DVD and enjoy it with him first, so I at least know what he's looking at, or is that too controlling? I wouldn't mind us both finding one. I feel like if it's a mutual thing, then it's not so much cheating..and he can look at it whenever he would need to when I wasn't around and I think it wouldn't bother me so much. He isn't an addict and says he doesn't look at it constantly, nor does he NEED to..it's just something he enjoys and I can understand that. I just need him to be open with me about it..and include me from time to time. Too much to ask for?


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would advise getting this book and reading it together >>
> 
> Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship:
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will definitely check it out.  It sounds interesting enough..hopefully my husband will want to read it with me. 

After we laid a lot out on the table...it seems he doesn't want to bring porn into the marriage and would like to stop viewing it all together, for religious reasons and for me. He was never choosing porn over me, we had sex ALL the time, and now that I'm not pregnant anymore, our sex lives are actually better than they've ever been. 

I just want us both to be happy, and I think we are finally actually LISTENING to each other. I believe he wasn't as willing to be completely honest with me before because of the way I would react...completely understandable. But I realize now I have to be accepting of him and the way he is, including his mistakes in the past (I've made plenty of them too), and love him anyway. He's not a bad guy in the least. The lying isn't okay, and he knows that needs to stop ASAP. There is no need to lie to me, I'm not going to blow up at him or make him feel bad, and he knows that now.

I don't think porn will be much of a problem for us anymore..  I think we will be able to compromise with each other..and I'm not going to be so judgemental. 

I appreciate all of the responses.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cloudwithleggs said:


> I do have alot of sexual urges and have a very active imagination, what you have stated, is such a sweeping generalisation of women, as women full well know we have learn't to hide it less we be called all the names under the sun, you don't need me to list them do you now. :smthumbup:


 I am speaking out of my own personal experience as I never cared for Porn or understood the allure...till I hit a surging sex drive increase myself... then I wanted to watch it constantly...had I been married to a Preacher type, we would have had some real issues.... 

I had physical symptoms to point to some hormonal changes taking effect within my body...... and I got a real taste of what that did to my brain.... it was UN RELENTING ...sex on the brain every 6 seconds...YES!!! I've also read 2 books on testosterone (worrying about my husband's levels)...

It is also a fact men (if they are healthy) generally have 10 times more Testosterone over women, some say 20 times .... frankly I think me & my husband's levels are about even these days --so nothing is written in stone. Some studies say as high as 100 times -- 



> *Testosterone.* A fast-acting, aggressive, hormone and driver of sex. *Men have 10 to 100 times more testosterone than women, enabling men to engage in interpersonal conflict and competition*. The higher the level of testosterone, the more interest there is in winning the game, gaining the power, and defending the territory through strength, and the less interest there is in high quality social relationships.
> Understanding Ourselves: Gender Differences in the Brain


 It's not necessarily a generalization... not any more than all women chase ALPHA males .....it is just statistically true. 

But men enjoy porn far more than women, there are hormonal reasons for it ....whether we can stand this fact or not, it's not going to go away. 

I am surely not condoning all men just watch their fill of it either, it is terribly easy to get addicted .... I could have slid down that path myself had I not started coming to this very forum. 

We need to work on some healthy restraint in our marriages -with our spouse.... I'm only suggesting to look beyond our own lenses to understand the male gender's brain is very different than ours in regards to being stimulated towards sex. It's darker, it's dirtier and it's more aggressive ....This book is another eye opener -on such things - much in it would REPULSE women.... but it is what it is. 

Men in Love: Nancy Friday: 



> An extraordinary, explicitly masculine journey, Men In Love develops a startlingly honest portrayal of what it means to be a man in contemporary America.
> 
> Here are the unexpurgated dreams, fantasies and fetishes that excite and obsess men today. In creating this historic study, Nancy Friday listened -- without disapproval, apology or censorship -- to the candid responses of thousands of men aged fourteen through sixty. She gave them a legitimate arena where they could share their "secret gardens" -- the hidden and forbidden but nonetheless real and true.
> 
> Much more than a litany of erotica, this unique volume doesn't tell us how men should love. It tells us how men do love -- a stunning insight into the desires that dwell within men's psyches... and their hearts.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AsTheStoryGoes said:


> After we laid a lot out on the table...it seems he doesn't want to bring porn into the marriage and would like to stop viewing it all together, for religious reasons and for me. He was never choosing porn over me, we had sex ALL the time, and now that I'm not pregnant anymore, our sex lives are actually better than they've ever been.


 Wonderful - sounds like your husband wants to do the right thing by his wife, himself and God... he sounds like a good man who loves you very much.









Another good book written specifically to the christian in dealing with laying this down.... Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time : Books



> I just want us both to be happy, and I think we are finally actually LISTENING to each other. I believe he wasn't as willing to be completely honest with me before because of the way I would react...completely understandable.


 It is good you can see this , this will gently move you closer & closer towards each other...reaching a greater intimacy.



> But I realize now I have to be accepting of him and the way he is, including his mistakes in the past (I've made plenty of them too), and love him anyway. He's not a bad guy in the least. The lying isn't okay, and he knows that needs to stop ASAP. There is no need to lie to me, I'm not going to blow up at him or make him feel bad, and he knows that now.


 Notice the title of that book up there...* this is a battle* -many many men will slip -even the best of them...you being understanding of his not being perfect -this is a blessing to him. 

Love can conquer many things, even pornography -if 2 can bare with one another through it..... It will mean the world to him also to not have to worry about this











> I don't think porn will be much of a problem for us anymore..  I think we will be able to compromise with each other..and I'm not going to be so judgemental.


 So long as you hold fast to your thinking right here .. I think you are right !


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

AsTheStoryGoes said:


> Concerning porn, I know my own problem with it stems from jealousy and insecurity issues, but I haven't always been like that. I'm open to compromising with him..would it be asking too much if I was the one to pick out a DVD and enjoy it with him first, so I at least know what he's looking at, or is that too controlling? I wouldn't mind us both finding one. I feel like if it's a mutual thing, then it's not so much cheating..and he can look at it whenever he would need to when I wasn't around and I think it wouldn't bother me so much. He isn't an addict and says he doesn't look at it constantly, nor does he NEED to..it's just something he enjoys and I can understand that. I just need him to be open with me about it..and include me from time to time. Too much to ask for?



Can't speak for your husband, but that would be too much for me. If my wife ever even hinted at the suggestion that she gets to pick out, and approve, anything I watch, porn or otherwise, she'd get a deep guffaw, and by the end of that rather short conversation she would know that said line of discussion will never happen again.

If you want to pick out porn (DVDs are so last century) together to watch, and enjoy, more power to you; that potentially could be a lot of fun for you both. But if you really think your porn watching husband is going to limit his selections to a wife-approved list, you might want to try dealing with reality. If a man is aroused enough to seek out the plethora of porn out there, I can just about guarantee you that his selection will not be boxed in by your approved list.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> Well I think OP should stop acting like her husband's mom, and start acting like his wife.
> 
> If he watches porn or anything like that, then yes it is wrong, but who gave you the right to sneak into his browser history and everything.
> 
> ...


Unless he is taking a shyt she has a right, as his spouse, to look at whatever the hell she wants. There is no his and her's in a marriage. Everything then becomes ours. If one wants a his and &'s then perhaps they should remain single. This is my pov on the matter. Clearly not everyones as your post proves but its mine.

As far as the porn issue goes its about respect and honesty. He is not respecting her by continueing to watch it in secret. Its not about him appreciating the female body but about him respecting her feelings on the matter. Im sure if he was honest about it and stopped to prove he is aware of her uncomfortableness this would show respect toward her and perhaps later .... Who knows.. They might end up watching it together and getting it on. 

Again just my pov on the matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> (DVDs are so last century)


I still have.......














VHS tapes.... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> I do have alot of sexual urges and have a very active imagination, what you have stated, is such a sweeping generalisation of women, as women full well know we have learn't to hide it less we be called all the names under the sun, you don't need me to list them do you now. :smthumbup:


I have to agree with this. Cmon now people... Some of us women are just as horndoggish, if not moreso then men. The idea that sex and sexual fantasies, visual stimulation, ect is just a man thing is so fricken laughable imo that its ridiculous. Oh and this whole... Men are wired this way and women are wired that way... Cmon now we arent robots! We need all that just as much as men, if not moreso.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I still have.......
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ha!

I still have some old VHS tapes lying around. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten rid of my two VCRs. I held on for a long time LOL!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol im looking for a vhs/dvd/blueray combo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Lol im looking for a vhs/dvd/blueray combo.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gotta say, didn't even know this existed:

Amazon.com: Panasonic DMP-BD70V Blu-ray Disc/VHS Multimedia Player: Electronics


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Gotta say, didn't even know this existed:
> 
> Amazon.com: Panasonic DMP-BD70V Blu-ray Disc/VHS Multimedia Player: Electronics


Wow. Can't imagine there's much of a market. Especially at that price.

Ah, on second glance I see it debuted in 2004. That's some old technology.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Gotta say, didn't even know this existed:
> 
> Amazon.com: Panasonic DMP-BD70V Blu-ray Disc/VHS Multimedia Player: Electronics


Im sooo jumping on that at the first chance I get... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It is also a fact men (if they are healthy) generally have 10 times more Testosterone over women, some say 20 times .... frankly I think me & my husband's levels are about even these days --so nothing is written in stone. Some studies say as high as 100 times --


But progesterone and oestrogen are the prime hormones for female's sex drive not testosterone so comparing levels of testosterone in men and women for sex drive is pretty impossible considering for the most part we get our sex drives from different hormones.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

abitlost said:


> But progesterone and oestrogen are the prime hormones for female's sex drive not testosterone so comparing levels of testosterone in men and women for sex drive is pretty impossible considering for the most part we get our sex drives from different hormones.


I believe testosterone is a key factor for both genders:
_According to Gabrielle Lichterman, testosterone levels have a direct impact on a woman's interest in sex. According to her, testosterone levels rise gradually from about the 24th day of a woman's menstrual cycle until ovulation on about the 14th day of the next cycle, and during this period the woman's desire for sex increase consistently. The 13th day is generally the day with the highest testosterone levels. In the week following ovulation, the testosterone level is the lowest and as a result women will experience less interest in sex.[_17]


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I'm not denying that testosterone doesn't play a part in womens drive, testosterone is what helps women produce more oestrogen,
I just meant that to define female and male sex drive on one hormone is futile as levels of testosterone, the 3 oestrogens (oestriol, oestradiol, and oestrone) and progesterone levels all come in to play with both genders, so to determine a sex drive (and how they process sex) really depends on the levels of all 3 hormones in a individual rather than a whole gender.


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