# Can't take it anymore, am I wrong? (jealousy, porn, and more)



## LoveNotEnough (Apr 4, 2009)

So here’s my problem. My wife and I are having serious issues with trust. It’s gotten so bad that I’m considering leaving. (Warning this is going to be long)

History: My wife had a very unloving childhood and has some issues that come from this. She is very clingy and needs to be reassured of being loved a lot (not an issue to me at all). She was also only in two long term relationships one of which was verbally and physically abusive and he cheated, the other just cheated on her. This has left with her severe issues, mostly in the trust/love department. 

Over the past year we’ve been battling these issues and it’s totally worn me down. A few examples of what’s happened. I have an old friend who I went to high school with that now lives on the other side of the country. SHE comes home every 6 months or so and we usually would meet up for lunch or something just to catch up (this was never a g/f or anything like that). This same female also would message me on facebook maybe once every month or two. My wife has totally flipped out about this person. She totally hates her and calls her all sorts of derogatory names and says that a quick hello once every month is “up my ass” and way too much contact. It has resulted with me being forbid to talk to this person. Whenever I tried to argue against it, I was told that I was taking up for her over our relationship and that it was obvious what my priorities were. This was not it at all, it was simply that I didn’t think it was justified or right. There is ZERO interest in her that way, and vice versa. I’ve lost this fight and no longer speak with this person just to keep the peace. 
Another random example, she always checks my phone for texts and who I’ve called. On one occasion she apparently opened my contact list and a certain females name was highlighted. (now this was on a blackberry so usually the last person selected is still highlighted. However this was a touch screen and the contact list was often accidently opened etc). Anyway she found this one day and deleted the females name from my phone without me knowing. I never noticed because it was someone I didn’t talk too much. Some time goes by (don’t really know how much) and my phone breaks, I get a new one and I load my contacts off the PC onto my phone. Anyway this person’s name gets put back on my phone. During one of her regular checks she finds that her number is back and goes crazy with accusations. Again I’m blamed of cheating and everything else. I simply fight that it’s not right to be going through my phone and defiantly not right to delete numbers without telling me. This is turned around to “this girl is more important” etc etc. I don’t remember how this ended but it did. 
Final example, a few days ago I get a new laptop. It has some software that whenever you turn it on it loads some facial recgonision software to let you login without inputting a password (I’m a geek so I love this sort of thing). I turn the computer on in front of her and she sees it load. She asks what it is in a nice tone, and I answer her. She then flips out and starts with the interrogating, a total change from a second before. I’ve tried many times I don’t mind questions but I hate the interrogating (in which I mean very accusatory and with an attitude and negative tone). 
The biggest issue the past 3 months has been revolving around pornography and they way I “hide” things. A little back story. My wife had a child in January and had a very rough casern birth. I was in there the entire time as the normal 30min surgery took almost 3 hours. In summary she had a long recovery and I was left with a lot of mental issues. The Drs said no sex for 6 weeks and I was going to listen to them. I couldn’t bring myself to even consider not listening to them because I’d go back to that OR room and the fear of her dying in front of me. It really really bothered me. Being a guy though I still had, well a guys drive so I did what guys do. Is this wrong? 
Anyway, one day she discovers as I finish and even more issues start. She says that I don’t want her and I try to tell her that it’s not her; it’s just that I “have” to listen to the Drs Time table. She also says that I’m hiding pornography from her. Which I guess I was, but what guy doesn’t? I explain that I just know she’s very touchy about women and didn’t want to upset her. Was I wrong, yes, but I admitted that. 
That brings us to now. She now checks my history, cookies, and everything else on the computer and asks me multiple times a day if I’ve done the deed. Even if I tell her no, that’s not good enough and I’m lying. We had a talk and she said that she’d rather me not hide it and tell her each time. I didn’t do this before because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Apparently this was a bad idea; I accept her wishes and vow to change. The problem is she constantly goes into old history and interrogates me on what I did when and how I didn’t tell her and how she can never trust me again. And I mean these are interrogations like I’ve murdered someone. Question after question about when, why, etc. What makes it worse is she has records and is testing essentially my memory from weeks ago. I honestly don’t freaking remember, but she doesn’t believe that. 

The other issue is that she says I hide everything. A little about me, I’m a very quiet guy who’s never been outgoing. I’m not a converalist at all and I don’t know how to talk a lot about “nothing”. To me a lot of my day is “nothing”. I come home and talk about the important parts of my day but really a lot of things just don’t come to mind when I come home to talk to her. An example of this: A friend of mine texted me a day prior to see if I was off to hang out. It turns out we didn’t make plans and nothing happened of it. I bring it up two days later that we had thought about hanging out but it didn’t pan out. I am emasculated for not telling her that day that I had maybe made plans with a friend. To me that was nothing to mention and honestly did not even enter my mind. I’m just not a big talker. To her though I’m hiding everything and shady. I promised to “talk” more but it’s never good enough. I bring something up a day later and I’m a horrible person and then interrogated again about my intent and what I was hiding. 

I’m at wits end with what to do with this relationship. I love her to death but I can’t take it anymore. I hate being untrusted, I’m not the type of guy to cheat, or anything like that and I’m as open as I can be. I hate feeling like a criminal. I’m constantly interrogated on everything I do or that happens, and when I’m not I’m being checked on via checking my phone, email, internet history etc. She admits to being very jealous but I don’t see any change. In fact it seems to be getting worse. It’s ruining our relationship and eroding at the base of my feelings for her. It makes me feel like absolute **** and makes me miserable (this of course leads to other issues in the relationship). 

Suggestions? Help? Someone? I really love this woman but I feel like she’s self destructing this marriage.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you both have some pretty serious issues that could use some counseling. I personally think individual counseling is better then marriage counseling. You should go for yourself, to help with the trauma of what happened in the OR with your wife. She needs some therapy too, but you cant make her and she probably wont go. So its best to just focus on what is in your control. 

Your porn issue will really compound problems because of her predisposition to low self esteem. its not that the porn is bad, but because of her mental state its just not going to work out with her. A girl with her trust issues would need a man who doesn't hid or look at porn. and yes, although rare, they do exist.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This is not jealous nor insecure behavior. It is controlling and untrusting and you are right, it will kill the relationship. I agree with Blanca, your wife needs counseling. She doesn’t see that her behavior is way out of the norm and she won’t believe you if you tell her so. A third party is needed.


----------

