# sorry ma!



## voivod

Lemme see, if you're an addict or reformed addict, let's see if you've experienced this:

spouse comes from a horribly disfunctional family (how do you think she found YOU!?!?)

she draws the line with you and your addiction. ("if you don't stop, i'm gonna leave")

you cross the line, she leaves.

her mom, your mother in law, the woman who married that drunken truck driver after the alcoholic, underacheiving realtor leaves her; now sees her precious daughter going through the torture of watching her beloved husband try to get sober. MIL gets selective amnesia, forgets all the "wreckage from the past" that she has left littered in her daughter's (your spouses) life path. MIL has a chance to be a leader, instead, stands in the way of the marriage reconciliation, acts indignant and fatalistic toward the relationship.

i'm sorry, i knew this about this woman a lonnng time ago and couldn't have expected any more from her. but...

she sits there and wonders why, oh why, does her beautiful daughter not give a $#!t about dear ol' mom's feelings.


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## justean

some ppl can easily forget the past , i believe this to be 50/50, some forgetfulness is not on purpose, nor is it not selective. as ppl we do strange things. 
the thing is, mil had her own experiences - do you want your own children to go down a similar way route- i suggest not. 
but the issues remain with you and your wife. 
there are alot of emotions on this rollercoaster and you mil is no different - jealous/possessive/interfering/ etc etc
we do it love/hate/resentment etc etc
you have to find the balance for you and your wife.


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## voivod

just saw MIL last night...she's a piece of work...i told her that we were out her way last wkend...she says "you mean you and the kids??" NO i meean me and your daughter.

she's so indignant...she can't accept that beth and i were in the same vehicle together!!! let's just say that beth put any value in her mom's opinion...how damaging to any reconciliation efforts could her attitude be...and...

what about her grandchildren? they're affected too.


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## justean

it sounds like MIL just wants her own way on her daughters life, some parents wil do that, because of control and unhappiness in their own life. when my hubby had the one night stand in april, my mum was really good with me, just supportive .
but my aunties were a different sort. nasty and malicious. my mum actually had to tell them where to get of. 
but if you look at their lives, they lost what they had through their own selfishness and resentment and jealousy. 
my aunties said how much they wouldnt take a relationship back, if what had happened to me, had happened to them. but again you look at their lives and you know what theres was always worse. 
they did take exs back, no different to me. 
but there lonely and really unhappy ppl. not even the remotest happy , unless your unhappy , because there decisions havent affected your life. 
see, i did not let my aunts actions or words affect my life, which makes them more bitter.


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## draconis

Sometimes people see only short term happiness and not a more rewarding long term happiness. It is also a fault that some people do not see how second guessing can ruin a relationship ie. I tell people to give it another try or try something different before throwing in the towel so that they know they did everything and will not have regrets down the road. 

NOTE: In the case of any abuse I tell the people to simply get out.

draconis


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## voivod

oh god justean, exactly. MIL is the most unhappy person. living an unhappy life married to a miserable $#!t, she's retiring this week. let's see where her sanity lands. she lives to domaneer others, takes over holidays, guilts her daughters into doing things with her. controlling, miserable woman. it would make her so satisfied to see us be over. sad thing is, it would validate her miserable existance. yet, i still love her and want the best for her! something wrong with me?

let me tell you this. i find this amazing...when i had my God moment in the hospital, she told me "you want me to call father jerry and get you in the church?"

YET, when our marriage hits the skids, where's the father jerry talk. you know something like "hey, you wanna sit down & talk with father jerry, to try & sort this out?"

hypocricy!!!


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## justean

MIL wil continue to play mind games. but you have to learn to play them back. she has become good at manipulation. 
there is nothin wrong with you for stil loving and wanting the best for her. its because your not as malicious and calculated. you dont have those bones in your body.
you are a changed man, her other resentment comes from this fact of your change. 
ok, circumstances forced you to change the error of your ways and most things that are you. i.e personality and character incomparison to what you were. 
but the errors in her life, wouldnt change for her. so how could she be happy? 
she does see that you want and love your wife. your fighting. 
look on her life - who fought for her. my guess - no one .


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## voivod

no one ever did fight for beth. you are correct justean! she was left to flip in the wind. her sisters (both natural and step) got every consideration. i never understood why beth didn't get love growing up. this is why i said one time that she deserves everything, a disneyland life. i want to give that to her!

i also think MIL resents me for my sobriety, because her husband is doing a fake version of sobriety. having a drink when he considers it appropriate. i'm just guessing, but i bet i'm right.


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## justean

no guessing here. you are also correct in your assumptions.


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## voivod

God i wish that she would at least acknowledge that a little of her hostilities/resentment comes from there. it would be so much easier to take.


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## justean

she wont acknowledge issues because issues from her life have left her hurt. this hurt happens over and over again. so when n e thing happens that could be nice , she is more conscious of the outcome being hurtful again. 
that why you have to let certain things go with her and that includes making efforts with and for her, or you can continue to make excuses for her behaviour.


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## Blanca

Your MIL sounds just like what my mom did to my BIL. She absolutely hated the guy. He was/is an alcoholic, too. 

Funny too because you mention your wife says that her siblings received every possible convenience while she was left in the dust...my sister (married to the alcoholic) would say the same thing!


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## voivod

yeah ltjseng...
easy to hate the alcoholic. but this woman offered no help from "father jerry" when her daughter (my wife) expressed that she had troubls in her (our) marriage.

this is the same woman who wanted "father jerry" to fast track me into "the church" upon my turning to face God after my near fatal medical incident.

i'm not a hater, but...


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## justean

unfortunately you have to accept the way your MIL works and change yourself on this aspect. so that you dont get caught in her web of tricks and games.


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## voivod

justean,
are you saying it's not ok to just hate her???


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## justean

try not to hate her. accept her more for who she is. simply not a nice person. there are ppl i desperately dont like, but hate is a very strong word.


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## voivod

wonder where she is tonight...celebrating her retirement WITHOUT HER DAUGHTER...because she's sitting next to ME on the couch...sorry ma! beth didn't want to "celebrate" with you! karma is a beeyatch isn't it!


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## Blanca

voivod said:


> karma is a beeyatch isn't it!


It is. and you're creating negative karma for yourself.


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## voivod

yep. i take it back.


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## Fritz

Justine, where do you get all your advise?


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