# Wife confessed of cheating and im very confused. need advice



## jaxbrah (Dec 5, 2013)

Has anyone here had any luck with reconciling? My wife just confessed to me last night of cheating a few months back. Im in shock and really confused. We have a 3 year old so that makes it more complicated. We went through a lot of outside hard times when we got married. We also went through 4 or 5 major life changing events all at once so we never really had mental freedom for a real relationship. Ive heard many marriages can be made stronger after infidelity and thats the only reason im willing to fight for thus relationship now. All I have ever wanted is a strong great relationship with her. Thats all she ever wanted too but im not sure if its possible now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The only possible way you can have a 'better' marriage is if the cheater does almost all of the heavy lifting, especially at first. What is her attitude like? There's a huge difference between remorse and regret. She should be grovelling at your feet right now. Is she?

Have a read at this link for starters.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/430739-post1.html


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jaxbrah said:


> Has anyone here had any luck with reconciling? My wife just confessed to me last night of cheating a few months back. Im in shock and really confused. We have a 3 year old so that makes it more complicated. We went through a lot of outside hard times when we got married. We also went through 4 or 5 major life changing events all at once so we never really had mental freedom for a real relationship. Ive heard many marriages can be made stronger after infidelity and thats the only reason im willing to fight for thus relationship now. All I have ever wanted is a strong great relationship with her. Thats all she ever wanted too but im not sure if its possible now.


Yes, there are many on this board here who are in R, including me. But to really advice you, we need more details. Tell us how this all came about. Why did she confess? What kind of cheating? For how long? Kids?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

jaxbrah said:


> Has anyone here had any luck with reconciling? My wife just confessed to me last night of cheating a few months back. Im in shock and really confused. We have a 3 year old so that makes it more complicated. We went through a lot of outside hard times when we got married. We also went through 4 or 5 major life changing events all at once so we never really had mental freedom for a real relationship. Ive heard many marriages can be made stronger after infidelity and thats the only reason im willing to fight for thus relationship now. All I have ever wanted is a strong great relationship with her. Thats all she ever wanted too but im not sure if its possible now.


You will be getting great advice here from those that know the truth
Your choice as to follow this advice
It won't be easy
You can't fight for her
Don't beg her don't try to nice your way through this, it will not work
She has to do all the heavy lifting, I repeat ALL the heavy lifting
You demand answers you demand a no contact letter to her AP that you get to proof read
You demand she gives you all her passwords and exhibit 100% transparency going forward
You decide for you if your new marriage is worth the risk, now that you have a clearer vision as to her moral character
Your old marriage is dead, she killed it
Do not move out
Consult with a lawyer and prepare for the worst and most important IMO
Expose this to her family, your family , your friends and make her be accountable
Affairs love and need secrecy so take that away from her
Look up and begin the 180 process to ensure your concern is not satisfying her but instead take care of what you need
Do not mistake that although you love the person you thought you married, she is not that person and you do not need her
If she tries to trickle truth the details then file for divorce
Trickle truth shows she still cares more about herself then you and your marriage and you must exhibit that this behavior is not acceptable
Good luck
Be hard on her. Very hard
If her AP has a wife you give her all the details immediately
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Sorry that you are here, Jax. 

Yes, infidelity will make or break a relationship. It most certainly CAN be stronger afterward. But that comes with a lot of IFs. First though:

Did she confess out of the blue or after confrontation?
Did you detect true remorse in her confession?
Any other changes in behavior recently?
ONS (one night stand) or ongoing? 
Is the posOM still in the picture?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

zillard said:


> Sorry that you are here, Jax.
> 
> Yes, infidelity will make or break a relationship. It most certainly CAN be stronger afterward. But that comes with a lot of IFs. First though:
> 
> ...


It being stronger is a huge maybe and would equate to winning a lottery
Highly unlikely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Did she use protection? Has she been tested for stds?

Has she gone NC with the OM?

Why did she confess, is she having an exit affair?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

it is possible but both parts have to be really commited to it, and the WS have to be aware of all the support, healing and even the lashes that he/she will have to withstand from the betrayed spouse.

also remember, you have to seek reconcilation for the right reason, and the reason is that despite the WS betrayal you still want to share the rest of your life with him/her (this of course taking in consideration that the WS is honestly regreteful for his/her actions), resons like:

- I am staying for the sake of the kids
- I am a true Christian so I believe in forgivness.
- our priest and counselor insist at giving a second try
- my family members (parents, brothers, etc) are pressuring to not break the family apart.

Are not good enough, you will end drifting apart and wasting years and accumulating more resentment.

so yes is possible if both parts are really commited to it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes R is possible, but the betrayed doesn't need to R becuase they didnt do anything wrong. The wayward is the one that has to have a huge degree of submission to R.

Is your old lady willing to do some time in cheater prison?

Are you willing to become a memeber of the cheater police?

I'm 3 yrs in and my old lady gave up everything to keep me from bailing.

I'm simi retired from the cheater police force cuz my chick has proven ....well lets say has learned the tools to affair proof the marriage. but that 1st year she was under a micro scope. And if she wasn't under the micro scope she was tied to it.

That trust but verify thing went on but at the end of the day it wasn't my validating her commitment it was thru her own actions that kept me around.

My case is rare.....often the cheating is an addiction and its realy hard to believe a fake R is taking place but it does happen....again trust put verify.


Hell you didn't even tell us if your old lady still wants you!!!!

Is this an exit affair? if it is forget what I just said and just let her go...you can't compete.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Also, there is a huge difference between 'reconciliation' and 'staying married'.

FYI I am one of the lucky ones, I have a truly remorseful spouse and we are stupidly happy over 3 years into R. You can read my story here


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Did your old lady confess cuz someone else was going to tell if she didn't...that someone being the OMW (other mans wife) finding out about the affair an affair that started a few month ago and now ended.

Or was it a ONS a few months ago and it took months of guilt to eat away at your chick?


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