# So emotionally drained, need advice please



## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

I am new to this site, just found it today. I have been married for 10 years, my husband and I have 3 children together, he has a daughter from a previous marriage and this is my first marriage. I have told him from the beginning that I do not like porn and do not want it in my house. Over the years I have caught him looking at porn online, and I have told him it bothered me, but it never was subject to me leaving at all, as I have grown to understand that a lot of men do it. However, he has taken it to new levels that I am SO not OK with. The first time quite a few years ago, I have caught him in a game room with another female having internet sex with each other while playing this game. I explained to him how I thought this was cheating, etc and I don't want him to do it anymore. He seemed to understand where I was coming from, and promised to never do it again. A few years later, while pregnant with our youngest child, I noticed him sneaking on the internet again, minimizing and/or closing the windows he was viewing when I walked in the room. So, when he was not home, I looked at the archives on Yahoo, and found out that he was again having internet sex via instant messenger, only this time he was also viewing their webcam and telling them what to do, and she was responding, etc. Had I not been pregnant, I would have left him then and there, as I view this as cheating. He vowed never ever to do it again. I had never completely regained trust in him after this second time, but things have been good between us. I asked him if we were lacking anything in our relationship, he told me he was totally happy with us, and all he wanted was me, and nobody else. Now a few years later, here we are again. This time he has been again going to Yahoo and talking with these women sexually in instant messengers, but he swears he has not looked at any cams while doing it. I finally got him to confess to looking at one woman, but when he saw her chest he immediately closed it out, as she wasn't attractive according to him. But since we now have Yahoo on our phone, when he was not on the computer chatting, he was on his phone chatting with these women via texting. He has again vowed never to do it again, but I am so emotionally drained from all of this I don't think I can even forgive him. In fact I am making plans to move out with the kids. He says I'm blowing it all out of proportion, and for me to break up a family is ubsurd since he would never meet these women in person and cheat on me, etc. I'm just so tired of dealing with us. I mentioned counseling to him, and he said we can fix this ourselves. What do you all think?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Even if it's not a PA, it is an EA. It's cheating. If you could fix it yourselves, then why isn't it fixed already? See a counselor.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Betrayedagain said:


> I mentioned counseling to him, and he said we can fix this ourselves. What do you all think?


He obviously can’t manage this on his own, he needs counseling. The primary problem is that he doesn’t understand that this is wrong. His moral values tell him that if he doesn’t physically touch or see these women this action is OK. Obviously you disagree. In my book, he is cheating, plain and simple.


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## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

Thanks, for the replies. I know counseling will benefit. He is always asking what he should say or do to make it better. I told him to seek counseling. He is the type of person who does not initiate any ideas to solve our problems himself. So I am waiting for him to make the arrangements for the counselor. I am willing to go to counseling if he made the arrangements, but I am not going to do it for him. He messed this up. He's got to make efforts to make it better. He has not contacted a counselor, so I am going to leave. When I do leave, he'll ask why again, and I feel like a broken record. He'll ask me what he can do, and I'm tired of being the one to figure it all out for him, he can't think on his own!!! I am very scared though, but I think I will be happier. This is not the only issue in our marriage, but it is the biggest issue. I have been holding on for dear life in this just for the kids. I know I am not perfect either. 
He talks to me and the kids like crap a lot. His tone of voice makes me feel like I'm stupid if I don't do things his way. He always asks me "what did I say", and I always say "It's not what you say, but the way you say it". I know it's just a bad habit for him, learned it from his father, yet he still does not get it. He has tried to get better, but it just gets back to the same old thing. He still yells a lot.
He says he is still very much in love with me. I don't feel the same. He says if I leave it would devastate him.... yet he could have prevented it by not doing the things I had specifically asked him not to do several times before. How many chances am I supposed to give him? I think I'm more hurt by the lack of respect for me for doing this knowing it was wrong because he hid it from me, and then lied about it, until I provided evidence. He had to consciously make a decision to do this... again knowing it would hurt me and him if I caught him.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

well, your husband must think something he's doing is wrong, otherwise he wouldn't hide it.

if you subtract all of the specifics about cheating, i.e., i never loved them...it was never physical...i didn't look at pictures...etc, when you burn all of that away, what's left in the cricible is this:

your husband has repeatedly lied to and broken his word to you, mother of his children, wife, and best friend.

if you wish to try counseling, go for it.

but i'd keep packing my bags if i were you, and make an exit plan.

you've given your husband too many chances already.

your husband now believes his marriage works like the back of a shampoo bottle reads:

cheat, get caught, apologize, repeat.


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## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

Exactly my thought, recent cloud, that is what I feel like this is. An endless cycle. Thanks for your words and articulating how I feel in a nice summation.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Boy, do I feel your pain. I had a slightly similiar situation, althought not quite as extreme. I even wrote a thread on here about it myself.

I caught my hubby having an emotional affair with a gal he met in an online game. The way I found out was when I found naked pics she had emailed him. I was furious and we almost divorced over it. 

He hadn't seen it as that big of a deal since nothing physical had happened. It took a lot of talking and getting him to see things from my side and seeing how deeply it had hurt me. 

Idiot me wasnted to be the "cool" wife and, after conftonting her as well, i told him that it was OK for him to keep playing the game and talking to her as long as "that kind of stuff" didn't go on. Mistake! He even talked me into playing the game too. She acted like we were the best of friends. Long story short, every opportunity she got, she acted inappropriately. Not to mention that she is coming to our state in Aug and wanted to meet with us. Not cool.

I talked to my hubby and told him I am not comfortable with them talking and he said he wouldn't talk to her again. He hasn't. Things have been so much better since. I wrote the gal an email telling her to stay out of our lives (and a few other things). I went on the game and told the other people we played with there that we were done playing and why we were done playing. 

What I would say to you is, if you keep catching him and he keeps doing it, there is a major problem. If he says he's gonna stop, then it looks like he needs to give up the computer all together. Take the yahoo thing off your phones, even if you still have to pay for it. 

Good luck, and let me know how it goes.


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## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

Thanks for the reply, Scarletblue, and I'm sorry you are going through something similiar. The Yahoo thing came automatically with our phone, it's like something that was installed by the manufacturer or something, and it's free with our text message plan. I would throw away the computer, but I enjoy using it too. I don't feel like I should be my husband's parent either, he is an adult and I shouldn't have to take anything away from him, he should be able to monitor himself, and make the right choices by now.... he is 43 years old, lol! Besides, if I take away the computer, he will find ways to use it behind my back anyway, just another thing for me to police him on. I hope your H is really serious and does not ever do that again to you. I thought my H was serious, and it took a few years before I caught him doing it again... then a few years after that.... etc. I will keep you posted, but I am certain I am moving out by the end of June. Both of my parents (divorced but still good friends) have offered me and the kids to move in with them, so now I have to choose which parent to move in with!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I am very sorry. Men are such idiots. If your wife says it bothers her, then stop it, regardless of whether you think it's real cheating or not. He repeatedly broke a promise. As addictive as sexual behavior is online, there is no excuse to ruin a marriage. My husband and I both push the limit when it comes to chatting online. As I type, I am wondering why his messanger ID is available, he is supposed to be busy at work.


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## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

Thank you, sensitive! I, too, was wondering why my husband was logged on Yahoo while he was at work... He would sign on while driving to work actually, then stay on for the remainder of the day. He also stopped calling me while he was at lunch, and when I said something about that, he did call me but kept it short, saying he had to eat. So... now I know why. I hope your H is not hiding anything from you.


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## SnapDragon (Jun 9, 2009)

I am so glad that I found this site. I have been dealing with the same issues with my H. About 6 months ago he started playing Home, and internet chat site through PS3. Needless to stay I did not like from the start. Then 3 months ago he tells a “friend” that he loves her, she has a sexy voice and begging her to send him a picture. I was furious. We are still fighting about to this day. He sees nothing wrong, because he says it was a joke. I agree with you, Betrayed, with regard to being your H’s guardian, he is an adult and I shouldn't have to take anything away from him, he should be able to monitor himself, and make the right choices. So I was hoping, but no. He states they are just friends and that is it. That he should talk to whom ever he wants and have no say-so. I am at a lost, he does not understand how upset and hurt I am by this.


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## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

Wow, Snapdragon, I'm sorry. I think with your H it is clear that he is not respecting you enough to stop even though you said you were uncomfortable with it (and rightfully so). At this point if I were in your shoes, I would give him an ultimatum, saying either the game or me. But again, that's me. I know with me since I have three kids with him, it's harder for me to come to that decision-not sure how easy it is for you. Regardless, your H should respect your wishes no matter what, and stop playing that game as it sounds like it's an emotional affair. Good luck and keep me posted on how everything goes.


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## SnapDragon (Jun 9, 2009)

No kids here, so it is a little easier for me, you would think. That is our biggest problem now; he just doesn't understand why I am hurt. All he says is I am jealous and/or insecure. I have not asked him to give it up, because I don’t want to resent me later. But every time he logs onto that stupid thing I can’t stop crying. Me telling him how I feel is not enough? Or I am not making my point? I am really not sure. All I know is when I am done fighting, it is my fault and I don’t want him to have any friends. This hurts my feelings and I take it all back. We have been together for 11 year and married for 2, never separated or been apart and this is our first huge fight. And I don’t know what to do. This is really hard….I am just glad that I found you guys.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Bottom line, if your SO is uncomfortable...STOP IT!!!! 

There's a reason they're uncomfortable...because it's wrong? No, because it doesn't feel right and it HURTS! 

You're together for a reason..respect that reason! Do what's needed to fix things!


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

I feel for you ~ I am suffering so bad right now, and mine isn't even to that extreme. Instead, my husband just searches out beautiful woman websites all the time ~ where they are tanned, big breasted, beautiful in g-strings and such... one page after another until I want to die. I have given birth to our 4 kids and that has played some tricks on my body ~ makes it hurt even more when I did confront him and he said "oh, it doesn't mean anything. I love you the way you are... I just like to look at them." ~~ Hardest part, we have been together for 21 years. He was my first and only love.... I have never strayed or wanted to look at other men because I married him.......... He promised to stop. I told him it could end our marriage because I can't go on that way ~ him holding me when I know what he was just looking at? Him in bed with me and I'm wondering is he thinking of them? How do I compare myself to a million other airbrushed surgery enhanced woman? How do I feel ok about myself up against that? So, sure, he promised "so sorry I hurt you ~ it was wrong. I won't do it again." And that lasted about 2 weeks. He is back to it, but doesn't know I know. My love for him is slowly fading.... I find myself pulling away from him, not waiting around for him every day anymore ~ Just taking care of life and the kids and if I see him, fine, but I don't care so much to anymore. He wants to know what is wrong? Why am I acting this way? ~~ You know, he had me from "hello" 21 years ago.... Now, he is losing me and you can't tell me he doesn't know somehow that I know what he is doing... How do you keep doing it and not have any guilt? When your wife says it will end your marriage? So you hug her, tell her it's over and go on to do it anyway? I'll be 39 in August and between all of this and just him putting me down all the time, I honestly think running would be my best answer. How do I do that to 4 kids who don't even know what divorce means? I believe for them, I will stay in it. Will smile. Will where my "Poker Face" ~ will be the perfect mommy and wife....... But if I didn't have kids, I would be gone long time ago......

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!!


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## Betrayedagain (Jun 10, 2009)

123helpme, you truly are hitting home with your post. Sorry you are going through this as well. I stayed in the marriage much too long "just for the kids". A good friend of mine recently said to me "It's better to be FROM a broken home, than IN a broken home". Also, ironically, my husband's own parents stayed together for quite a few years after it was quite clear their relationship was over. His mom slept on the couch for a couple YEARS before she finally kicked his father out, and my husband's brothers and sisters still talk about how horrible it was for them seeing their parents like that, and wished they would have separated long before they actually did. You only live once, you know? It's a really hard decision, I know!

Update on me, my children and I moved in with my Dad just over a week ago. My husband NOW realizes that I was serious, and told me tonight that he is going to seek counseling (after I told him to several times over the last month). I am glad he's going to go to counseling, but I fear it may be too late for me. He keeps telling me how lonely he is, and how much he misses me, etc etc. I never wanted my children to have their parents divorce, but I don't want to be with a jerk anymore either. My oldest who is 9 is having the hardest time with the separation as expected, but my 5 and 3 year old are adjusting just fine. It hasn't been easy on me either, but I am overall less stressed knowing I can run the house the way I want, without arguments from my husband. My Dad is a long-haul truck driver and is gone most of the time, so I still have my space. The kids are with their Dad for an overnight stay for the first time since the move, and I must say, it's really nice to go shopping without kids in tow. 

Good luck to you as well!


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