# right dcisio to divorce ???



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

husband's family borrowed my money n ignores my request to repay . n continues to spend till husband is in debt . I have been paying majority of bills and even his debts off . during these times , whenever I asked him to help get the money back , he ignores me too , when I get aggressive in asking , he pushed me , hits me , sat on me , and covered my face with pillow and yelled for me to shut up . even once I was pregnant , he pushed me .
a few years ago , his family bombed my bank account again n I had to pay his debts again . I wanted nothing to do with his family again n he agreed . then after a year , he started asking for his family and wanted us all to be family again . I relented on condition they apologised . husband disagreed and says I should apologise to them first for scolding them about bombing my bank account . and started to pick fights with me n displayed resentment n started to hit me much worse . even infront of the kids , he whacked me across the face n I flew . kids scream . other times , he yank my hair , sat on me , covered my face , slam my chest that sends me flying n tells me he wants his parents over me . I kept telling him they will kill our finances n marriage , if not for me emptying my entire bank account to save him , he would have been bankrupt . he continues to pick fights n hits me .

when I decided to divorce now n asked him to leave , he accused me of breaking the family up .


but I felt that is the right thing to do - to divorce .

till now , separated for 8 months , he will apologised and then when I demanded that his family has to pay back or apologised , he attacked me verbally again .

I see no remorse n I think he will tank me n children again for his parents to spend stupidly again ( not medical bills )

right decision ?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes. Abusive liar
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You must be completely out of your mind to put up with this OP.

I'm sorry.

Rule of thumb - never EVER borrow money if you ever expect to see it back

Based on what you said, your "husband" AND his family take advantage of your/use you financially (clearly).

Not only that, your husband also abused you FOR being a nice person and helping his family?

There is NO BIGGER SCUM IN LIFE than the people that take advantage of people that are nice/care and go up and beyond for others.

RUN, RUN AWAY FAST!!!!!!


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

sadly painfully I realised that I cant keep this family intact for my children .

he said he didn't think I have the guts to break the family up to destroy my children .

he was right till he hits me in front of my children .


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

tearfully .

DoF - what is OP ?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tripad said:


> tearfully .
> 
> DoF - what is OP ?


Original poster; in this case, you.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tripad said:


> husband's family borrowed my money n ignores my request to repay . n continues to spend till husband is in debt . I have been paying majority of bills and even his debts off . during these times , whenever I asked him to help get the money back , he ignores me too , when I get aggressive in asking , he pushed me , hits me , sat on me , and covered my face with pillow and yelled for me to shut up . even once I was pregnant , he pushed me .
> a few years ago , his family bombed my bank account again n I had to pay his debts again . I wanted nothing to do with his family again n he agreed . then after a year , he started asking for his family and wanted us all to be family again . I relented on condition they apologised . husband disagreed and says I should apologise to them first for scolding them about bombing my bank account . and started to pick fights with me n displayed resentment n started to hit me much worse . even infront of the kids , he whacked me across the face n I flew . kids scream . other times , he yank my hair , sat on me , covered my face , slam my chest that sends me flying n tells me he wants his parents over me . I kept telling him they will kill our finances n marriage , if not for me emptying my entire bank account to save him , he would have been bankrupt . he continues to pick fights n hits me .
> 
> when I decided to divorce now n asked him to leave , he accused me of breaking the family up .
> ...


*YES*

A man should never lay hands on a woman for any reason other than to embrace her lovingly. Generally speaking, the only exception to this would be in the case that he himself is facing imminent bodily harm directed at him from said woman AND, even then, restraint should be exercised to the degree possible.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

tripad said:


> ...he pushed me , hits me , sat on me , and covered my face with pillow and yelled for me to shut up . even once I was pregnant , he pushed me... even in front of the kids, he whacked me across the face n I flew... kids scream... other times , he yank my hair , sat on me , covered my face , slam my chest that sends me flying...
> 
> Right decision ?


Ummm... yeah it's the right decision. You need to get out of there, like yesterday.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Thanks to all who replied
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Our situations are all so different, and painful in their own ways. I know that if my husband ever raised a hand to me though, leaving would be the easiest of my decisions. 

No one deserves that. Ever.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

DoF

Hope u get this link

Not sure how to send link
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What is "bombing your bank account"? 

But yes, it's never the wrong decision to leave someone who tries to kill you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> What is "bombing your bank account"?
> 
> But yes, it's never the wrong decision to leave someone who tries to kill you.
> 
> ...


Bomb my bank account

Means he got into debt over his family n I emptied my bank account to save him n our marriage .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Yes most definitely the right decision to divorce.His family sound like a bunch of low life a holes.As for hitting you when you are pregnant he sounds like a real tough guy.Next time he touches you have his chicken sh** ass thrown in jail.Surprise him and show him how much guts you do have.Divorce his ass and get away from his thieving family.Wish you the best of luck.


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

As for the time you said he put a pillow over your head you should have had him arrested for attempted murder.Your kids should never have to witness what happened to you and they don't need a father figure like him.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I still think leaving him is the right decision, but you emptying your bank account is your decision. You can't really blame others for taking advantage of you, especially when you've been burned by them before. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

You said you have two kids I don't know if you have sons or daughters,but you don't want your son to grow up thinking this is how they treat their wife or daughters to grow up that this is acceptable behavior by their husband.Sorry but behavior like your husband get me so p'od.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you in the United States?


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Blondilocks 

I am not in united states .

why ?


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

101Abn said:


> You said you have two kids I don't know if you have sons or daughters,but you don't want your son to grow up thinking this is how they treat their wife or daughters to grow up that this is acceptable behavior by their husband.Sorry but behavior like your husband get me so p'od.


I have two boys . that first and one time he hit me in front of my boys , I ask him to leave . other times he hit me , boys didn't see . I tried to tell my boys that kind of behaviour results in broken families and that they should never do to their own wives and children .

but for me to divorce is like I am the a hole terminating the family .

still feels like **** .


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

PBear said:


> I still think leaving him is the right decision, but you emptying your bank account is your decision. You can't really blame others for taking advantage of you, especially when you've been burned by them before.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


it is my decision .

but the in laws cause husband to be in debt and I didn't know .

I had two choice , walk away let him go bankrupt and file divorce ; or to save his ass and he promised to be a good father / husband from then on .

I was giving my children a chance to have a complete family .

I ask myself the question many times , if I can turn back the clock , wld I walk out and let him die ?

the answer is I wld hav done the same to buy , literally buy , my children a chance that the father will wise up and provide for us and to be a good father .

of course , if he had told me he is gg to screw up again , I wld walk . but he wld not hav said that and I wld not hav guess that .
benefit of hind sight .


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Different countries have different legal remedies for wife-beaters. Look into those of your country and scare the crap out of him if the laws have any teeth to them.


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Tripad:You shouldn't feel the way you are feeling about leaving him.If I read your storey right you had already gave him a chance to change his ways and that lasted a little while,then he went back to his old ways.Don't feel bad,feel relieved.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

101Abn said:


> Tripad:You shouldn't feel the way you are feeling about leaving him.If I read your storey right you had already gave him a chance to change his ways and that lasted a little while,then he went back to his old ways.Don't feel bad,feel relieved.


Yes I did 
My lawyer today said to give myself a pat on my own back
She said I did all I can I shld hav no regrets 
N I shld not hav married him nor hav children with him if she were in my shoes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

N I gave many chances already

So many instances tt I cld hav file police report n left 

But I didn't
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You should have, and next time.......do it.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

DoF said:


> You should have, and next time.......do it.


DoF

U realised this is me who PM u ?

No more next time 

I saw lawyer today 

Plan to proceed divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I do love my husband so much that I save his ass with my bank account emptied 

Wonder why he do it again n again 

Wonder why he showed no love concern when with his mouth he professes much love 

DoF
The friend who I PM u n talked abt 
If he's really into me n just waiting for me 
He's so much sweeter than anything my husband has done for me 

Sadly . But I count myself lucky .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tripad said:


> I do love my husband so much that I save his ass with my bank account emptied
> 
> Wonder why he do it again n again


Cause you allowed him to use you, that's why. And he is a crappy person. 



tripad said:


> Wonder why he showed no love concern when with his mouth he professes much love


Because you ignored his actions but took his word.

Love is defined with ACTIONS before words. 



tripad said:


> DoF
> The friend who I PM u n talked abt
> If he's really into me n just waiting for me
> He's so much sweeter than anything my husband has done for me
> ...


I don't know if he is or isn't. And this should really be irrelevant to you at this time. Again, get your divorce settled and HEAL. YOu need time away to heal from your current marriage.

Worry about new/other man once you are ready. 

One step at a time.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

tripad said:


> He pushed me , hits me , sat on me, and covered my face with pillow and yelled for me to shut up . even once I was pregnant, he pushed me.... started to hit me much worse. even infront of the kids, he whacked me across the face n I flew. kids scream.


Tripad, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 

I mention these study results because, in Jack's thread about "A Typical British Marriage," you express your suspicions that your exH has strong BPD traits. And you state that many of the red flags I listed in *18 BPD Warning Signs* seem to apply to your exH. If you would like to discuss those red flags further, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of those 18 signs apply strongly and which apply only weakly (if at all). Take care, Tripad.


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP - let me be succinct.

GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT - AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN - NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

If you don't, you're just begging for more!!! He's a low-life, and YOU are living with that.

There are news stories all the time about women who don't!!


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> OP - let me be succinct.
> 
> GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT - AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN - NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!
> 
> ...


Divorced just finalised. 

He tried to fight the divorce, claiming I abuse him when I fought bac, claiming he has " silver bullet " that will get me in trouble, claiming he has videos of me hitting him, claiming he has medical n police report of me hitting him. 

The truth is that after he hit me in front of my kids n I flew. I decided to fight back the next round n I did. TBH I m 55 kg 5 ft 1 " while he's 75 kg 5 ft 8. I'm small but when I hit him back ferociously, he was shocked n he's a coward. After that he must have done some medical, police reports n videos on me fighting back. As I recall, he will hit me on one end of hall n run to another end of hall when I wanted to hit back. To n fro. Till I exclaimed if you want to fight stay n fight why r u running up n down the hall. Later I know the answer when he claimed he has videos to frame me. 

Thank God, In earlier days, during counselling, he admitted to church leaders n a friend that he hit me, so my lawyers threatened to pull them n also my children up as witness. My lawyer told me not to cry over such framing sly bas_tard. 

He backed off n divoice was uncontested so it was finalised quickly. 

Don't understand why he wants to trap me? Does he want this marriage? 

If you read other post,, he financially abuse me to pay off his debts after debts N to pay major 80% of household bills. 

divorce could have done much earlier when I proposed an amiable divorce to him to save on legal cost. But it cost more Now because he contested initially. 

Still left assets to fight over now. Again he tried to fight for major share. N I was told n I read eveN the cheating wives gets half. I work, feed the family, pay his debts, n he Offers me 10%. Haha. 

He said he will " make me beg for mercy and beg for him back n he will think about it "!!!!!!!! 

If l lose, I have decided I still will go ahead with divorce. I m able to feed myself n kids n buy over the house, although stretching myself thin n hard. 

Beg is never in my vocabulary.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Uptown 

Will re read the 18 signs n discuss shortly


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tripad said:


> Divorced just finalised.
> 
> He tried to fight the divorce, claiming I abuse him when I fought bac, claiming he has " silver bullet " that will get me in trouble, claiming he has videos of me hitting him, claiming he has medical n police report of me hitting him.
> 
> ...


You are doing the RIGHT THING tripad .. hold your head high.. this will not be easy..but when it is all said & done... you will feel a great WEIGHT lifted, your spirit freer ....away from him/ his abuse, his family /their bankrupting your future.....you will be free to live your life without these strangle holds.. 

YOu have lived & learned what to NEVER put up with --in a relationship...sounds you can handle this all financially.. good for you ! He needed kicked to the curb a long long time ago ..


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Yup 

Working my ass off. 

having read how other divorced spouse, especially the wives suffered financially, my children n I myself can only be thankful that I can earn well enough to keep our lives going. 

Thank god I have always been taught by my poor parents n life's difficulties to be independent. 

That's the same lesson I m passing on to my sons.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Uptown. 

This is the response to your 18 sign of BPD. 

Before I go into details. A little back ground on myself. I m capable n earn my own keep. I'm confident n pretty. I'm not the typical image of a battered woman that I would ever imagine. But I have tradition traditional value towards family loyalty n sex, which means I love n treasure my family N don't stray. 

Now 18 signs. 

3 - I used to buy things n fancy dinners for my parents as I was doing pretty well in my job when I met my ex. TBH I was earning 5x his income then since I was doing sales n there's no limit to pay scale. Later he tried to tell me my parents " don't love me " n " abuse my finance ". I do reason back that it's my money to indulge my parents. Somehow, overtime, he made me bail his debts n I was tight with money n the indulgences stops. 

Also, my ex took opportunity to poison the relationship when my mum got upset that the indulgence stops. In a way, my mum does abuse my finances ( but not big amount) but I didn't mind as she has been poor for long time While bringing us up. 

4 - entitlement. God. This is so spot on. I feel that he seems to think that he's entitled to my money, success. He said ( yelled) this to me , you don't care how I spent my money, since you earn too, you pay for this family here. Also, the debts he n his family borrowed from me n refused to pay, he followed his parents n sisters n accused me that I gave the money n I m the bad person who " wants it back now ". Another time, earlier in time, before the big heavy aggression starts, I made many sales n had many big commission coming in n he started to shop for an expensive 25 thousands dollars watch which I told him to buy if you have the money n after you contribute more to this family. He started to, in my opinion, n on hind sight, " brain wash " me that I never got his birthday presents right n I should pay attention n observe when he shops to see what he likes. I never got that watch. Of course. 

5 - adore n devalue. Yeah. When I knew him in beginning, he worships me, telling his family n friends how capable n successful I am. Then we just got married, n money trouble from his family starts. it sank me. I ask for money back from his family n he hit me n he later apologised when I wanted to divorce. 

I stopped asking for money back. Slow climb up, adores me again. When I was pregnant, I ask for money back. I was shock he pushed me without any apologies after. I felt trap, pregnant n don't want child born without a father. 

So I've good days bad days. 

But adoration stops when the kids came around. I later realise starting that time, he was sinking into debts his parents passed to him. Later when I was making big sales, no more adoration but pure unhappiness n jealousy, to extent that he told me unhappily that " money comes to me easy ". of which I told him, you don't know how hard I worked n how much I suffered to close those deals . Seriously, I don't even get to eat the whole day when I m busy, I once vomited at site out of hunger, wiped my mouth n continue!!! Sometimes with baby in tow. N to withstand all the indecent passes n proposals by some lusty men.

7- I think he has low self esteem but he acts super confident, boastful at times. Like he will boast that he taught his children to cycle n play chess when his friend's kids can't. I corrected him that I was the one who taught the kids n he was embarrassed. 

He will boast that he does his job better than his good friends whom I know. N run them down. I told him those r your buddies n even if they r lousy in their job but they were good guys who care About us. He was pissed with me. 

Low self esteem? I think so.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

11- binge spending. Yup. He spends money he doesn't have, thinking I have perhaps. The more in debt he is, the more he needs to spend!!!!!!! The more expensive he gets!!!!!! It's scary for me. 

12- complain about ex s. I m not sure abt this as I complain abt my ex s too. 

13- mirror others. Not sure. But yes I thought I found my soul mate when I marry him. It turn out to be a spiralling downward losing control of life kinda of feeling. Everytime I try to take stock take control, I get wham bam again. 

15 - spot on. He had good friends, all long distance which r still good friends. Friends n so called bros around us somehow disappear over time n new good friends/bros appear. When I asked abt the old buddies, either he's silent or he bad mouth them. Sometimes, I wonder if he has an affair n those guys ( colleagues) know n drop him off. He said not ( but if course he will say not) 

14- no goals at all is right. But he doesn't rely on me for goals or grounding. He just simply has no wish for goals or ambition. He disagrees with my goals n ambition n objective. He's blames me for being too driven n go getter. He says I'm too strong for him. He says he wants to divorce me. 

He broke my heart. I tried to tell him not to go into debts, we have kids, n I m not wrong. I told him we r so financially destroyed n we need to catch up n build up college n retirement fund as we r not young anymore. I told him if not for me bailing him out of his debts, he would be bankrupt twice over already. Again he tells me he will divorce me n he loves his parents more. that is even when I told him that I know they can't pay me the money back but I want the parents to apologise n give a commitment never to shop n spend till my ex is in debt. 

When I filed. He was shock n ask me if " I seriously want to divorce him over his parents n sisters? ". I told him that's what you said you wanted. He then played with my guilt that I broke up the family for my children, taunted me I will never get another man ( he didn't know my friend is already asking me out - c'mon his wife doesn't work n yet cheated! N I think I m better in the looks department ) . He claimed now I ruined him, that he was a victim of extended childhood bullies n I should helped him recover - told him go to your mum then. 

He prefers to shop till drown in debts together with his family so no he has no wish for goals n grounding. 

18 - rewrites history. I have always been puzzled by that, not knowing it is a symptom of a sickness. Like he hits me, he claims he blocks my abuse or just pushes me slightly. When I hit back, he acts like a woman n scream n yell like I murder him. I didn't even make those noises when he hits me. Esp that two times in front of my kids, I suck up my tears n told my children it was not painful. till today, he goes round telling people I abuse him for no reason. 

Once he slam me on the wall, strangled n choke me, n lifted me up with one hand ( I was petite) . I gasped for breath. I was not fearful. I was stunned as I looked into his face, it was cold n monstrous, like in a cold blooded movie. After he let go, I told him I will tell my brother to strangle him the same way unless he let me choke him too. He did. I saw the fear in his eyes, real deep fear, it puzzles me as I don't think I can cause him much harm, frankly he didn't even choke or gasp. 

He tells me I " abuse him n I m so pitiful that I don't even realise " 

Sometimes I ask my gf n my counsellor if I m mad? 

He claims I abuse my kids n my helper. Even though my kids n helper r with me n dislikes him. Then he claims I brainwash everyone!!! 

N I told him if I can brainwash everyone so well, why did I fail on hiM???? 

He claims I have affairs when i tried to lose the pregnancy fats n look betteR. 

He grope a woman in a company function for the whole night on the dance floor n I acted like I didn't see as I didn't want to cause a scene. When I quarrelled with him the next day, as he was drunk that night, n there's no point talking to him then. and he turned around n accused me that I belittle him in his achievement in that company function. 

History rewritten? Yup! I was so confused at times I wonder if I m dreaming or seeing visions.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tripad said:


> Divorced just finalised.





tripad said:


> If l lose, I have decided I still will go ahead with divorce.


:scratchhead:


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Tripad, glad you got out of that. I know exactly what its like to be abused financially.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

lenzi said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > Divorced just finalised.
> ...



Means the divorce is not a mistake

Didn't bother to elaborate but there were a few days before the divorce was finalised that I realised he was trying stake a major claim and I could have decided to withdraw the divorce. that Which will be what my ex hopes for, like he said earlier, that he will make me beg for mercy.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

toonaive said:


> Tripad, glad you got out of that. I know exactly what its like to be abused financially.



What happened in your case? 

Who did you trust n betrayed you?


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

uptown

Your other article
When romeo is Mr wrong
Describes my ex as a narcisstatic personality disorder.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Tripad, thanks for the wonderfully detailed response to my list of 18 traits and the NPD article. I intend to respond tomorrow, probably in the morning if we get as much snow as is forecast. I love details and you provide them in spades.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

The thing about this forum that's really wonderful is that we can spill our guts out truthfully n get am honest opinion. 

In my circle, only 1 brother 2 gf n 1 man friend ( who caught me at a vulnerable moment n got me to talk - otherwise it's not me to just talk about my problems to people - n that's the guy whom I think may be keen on me - he's single dad) know I'm divorce. 

No one else knows I'm divorce, much less the issues I m facing. 

I'm afraid info can be used against me n I don't want to provide gossip materials to uneccessary persons who has nothing positive to contribute.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

tripad said:


> Uptown. This is the response to your 18 sign of BPD.


Tripad, you leave warning sign #1 (black-white thinking) off your list but you seem to be describing it elsewhere. Your description of him badmouthing all his old buddies, for example, is consistent with "splitting them black." Generally, folks who do B-W thinking tend to categorize everyone as "all good" (i.e., "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "against me") -- and they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor comment or action they find offensive. This B-W behavior -- if it exists -- is a warning sign for both BPD and narcisism.



> Your other article, When romeo is Mr wrong, Describes my ex as a narcisstatic personality disorder.


That article was written by Roger Melton. Like Shari Schreiber, he lumps BPDers together with narcissists and sociopaths and doesn't really distinguish among them. So I would not rely on his work to try to distinguish between BPD and narcissistic behaviors. I nonetheless would agree that you seem to be describing warning signs for a pattern of narcissistic behavior -- together with a much weaker pattern of BPD behavior. As I understand it, there are three major differences between BPD and NPD. 

First, whereas NPDers are emotionally stable, BPDers are not. This instability is why BPDers flip back and forth between loving and hating you and do much more of the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior. That flip usually occurs in ten seconds based on some innocuous thing you said or did. Once a person has been subjected to this cycle a dozen times -- being alternately adored and hated -- she starts feeling like an addict who is alternating between heroine highs one day and heroine withdrawal pains the next.

This is why a BPDer relationship is considered so addictive and toxic. And this is why the most distinguishing hallmark of a BPDer relationship is strong feeling of the nonBPD partner that she is losing her mind. It therefore is very common for the partners to go running to a therapist to find out if they are going crazy. Although the partners of narcissists also are treated abusively, it is unusual for them to feel they are going crazy.

Second, although NPDers also do the push-pull (but to a lesser extent), they do not do it because of altering between the abandonment fear and engulfment fear like BPDers. Rather, the NPDers typically do it because, once you return to them, they lose interest in you and start taking you for granted -- i.e., they do not feel engulfed like the BPDers. Like the BPDers, NPDers can rage in response to your comments. Yet, the rage usually is in response to your disagreeing with them, thus refusing to validate their false image of being a person who is always right. In contrast, the BPDers get furious when you say anything triggering their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

Third, whereas BPDers typically are caring individuals who actually can love you (albeit in a very impaired and immature manner), NPDers are not truly caring and do not love you. Instead, they consider you a useful object when you are supporting their false self image and a non-useful object when you are not supportive.

I mention all this so as to explain why I believe you're describing a stronger pattern of NPD warning signs. First, you do not seem to be describing a man who is emotionally unstable (which is the key trait for BPD). That is, you're not describing behavior wherein he flips -- in only a minute -- from adoring you to devaluing (or even hating) you. With unstable people, those flips typically occur every several weeks, if not more often. The result is a feeling you are living with a Jekyll-Hyde person and you never know which one will be behind the door when you go home at night. Significantly, you are NOT describing that unstable behavior. Instead, you seem to be describing a man who adored you during the courtship period and then changed to devaluing you when you stopped funding whatever wild spending spree he wanted to do (usually on his own parents). In that sense, the behaviors you describe are very stable and predictable: he's in a good mood when your money is flowing and a bad mood when it's not.

Second, you do not seem to be describing a strong abandonment fear or strong engulfment fear. Instead, you're describing a man who found you attractive earlier because your good looks and high income enhanced HIS status -- and who found you unattractive later because you stopped bragging on him and giving him money -- i.e., you stopped "validating" his false self image of being the nearly perfect man.

And, third, you do not seem to be describing a man who truly loves you. If I am mistaken -- and if you are convinced he really did love you (at least during the early part of your marriage) -- then he cannot be a full-blown narcissist (because full-blown NPDers are incapable of truly loving other people). Hence, if you are convinced he did love you (albeit in an immature way), then you are describing a behavior pattern closer to BPD. Of course, having strong traits of one disorder does not rule out having strong traits of the other. About 37% of narcissistic men also have full-blown BPD according to a recent large-scale study. Yet, I just don't see you describing the emotional instability and love-capability that are characteristic of having strong BPD traits.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

not sure what he has . counsellor asked him to go to a psychiatrist. he refused . he seems to have a little of both . he may not have love me , i will never know , he could have pretended to love me or he could have love me for my success and his perceived sense of marrying my success and money . it is not impt now that i am leaving the marriage . just wanted to understand so as not to fall into the same rabbit hole .

however , on hind sight , n based on the events that unfolded , even during the divorce . his maliciousness seems to confirm that he never had loved me . he loved what I had . so i supposed he is more NPD.

he is definitely not so unstable as BPD .

maybe NPD . even with the children , he never valued them , nor spend time with them , unless it is to show that he is a good father to the world . everytime he takes kids out for a swim and in the view of others , he does a great job and I was happy . then , back home , away from the public eye , he seems unhappy to take care for the kids . when i commented on that , and his response will be that he has already done his job !

now upon divorce , he treasures the kids and fought to have more visitation and sleepovers ! n tries to engage the kids in fun activities . in the past , i have request , ask n downright quarrel for him to spend time with us .

seems to be more a case of when he has us , we r taken for granted n abused .

when he doesnt have it , he treasures us .

oh , during our quarrels , he does repeatedly tell me treat him like king ! n all will be fine !! even while i m footing majority of bills !


----------

