# need assistance



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Hubby left phone at home when he left for a trip. I heard a ding and found it. Message from male co-worker Greg something to the effect was "bet you wanna be on my team to golf with Sherry from (company name here)," and then a smiley face - I can't remember exactly what was said but it was apparent they both admired her attributes. I called hubby's friend he was with, told him he left his phone here and then I left.. I saw them come home to get it as I was leaving so I texted, "who is Sherry from....." he text back, "consultant for our technology steering committee. I'm not golfing and not interested." I said, "so she must have been a topic of conversation?' He said, "not for me I think Greg likes her." I say, "Right." he answers, "please don't worry. I didn't do anything wrong. I love YOU!"
I have not texted back - even though he's sent me several. 
I hate this. They obviously had a conversation where they both admired her attributes. He complained to me this week of having to watch this presentation 5 times. 
I think if you have two affairs you don't get to have these conversations with male co=workers where you lust after other women, women you HIRE! I mean, do you!???
These are two bank presidents!! Im so effing sick of this.
He'll call me tonight, and I don't know what to say. Every month or so we have these "he just doens't get it" moments where I am hurt again and he swears he is doing nothing wrong. 
What I want to say? How old are you? How do you think SHE would feel if she knew you guys were talking about her?
I'm so pissed. I found out literally 10 minutes before I got a massage. I cried during the massage.

I need help knowing what to say to him. IF I answer his call. I want to tell him to go eff himself.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

What keeps you there? Seriously? I've read many of your threads and your husband is a cad. Still, this one is on you. You should have waited because, to me it can be boring and innocent. Do you really want to become the "thought police" and the "conversation monitor?" Honestly, Greg could have the hots for her and he is just "meh, whatever." Still, if he is a coworker or friend you aren't going to be a jerk. So, you just agree and go on about your business.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

no, just no. After two affairs, you act in an honorable way towards your wife. You don't put yourself in a position to be even questioned. IMO. Am I off here other people?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Coming from a person who cheated AND a person who was cheated on, one thing my H and I agree to is this: you can't help what someone says TO you, you can only control what you RESPOND. Now, I know he didn't have a chance to respond so you don't know what he would've said. But he can't control that work buddy sends him a text saying a hot chic may be on his golf team.

Their convo coulda been as simple as work buddy saying "hey Jim, have you seen Sherry's boobs? They're amazing!" And your husband could've just nodded. So then work buddy coulda thought hubby was on board. Or hubby coulda said "yeah, she has great tits!" The point is, infidelity or not, your husband is going to notice other women. And he may make a comment about them to his guy buddy. My husband has learned I'm way too sensitive for him to tell me some chic is hot to my face, but I'm sure he's commented to his buddies about a hot chic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I'm sure he's commented to his buddies about a hot chic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


see and as a fWW, I feel I don't get to do this anymore.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> see and as a fWW, I feel I don't get to do this anymore.


I'll admit I'm very hesitant to do it myself as a FWW. But for instance, we work with a very handsome younger guy. My eyeballs didn't fall out. I won't walk around talking about him being hot, but if one of the female coworkers make a comment (which is usually a few times a week) I will nod my head and laugh.

I don't like thinking about my h finding other women attractive, but if a girls got a nice rack, he's GONNA notice. If his buddy nudges him, he's not gonna be able to pull off a complete blasé attitude. I've seen it happen, my husband usually just gives a little smirk and raises his eyebrows. 

The way humans are wired, were gonna notice the opposite sex. That doesn't mean we have to or want to stick our hands down their pants. 

You have NO CLUE how your husband would have responded to this text. He could've ignored it. Or he could've said "that's all you brother" or he could've said "she's a dog". You'll never know. But you can't punish him for what his work buddy sent him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I'll admit I'm very hesitant to do it myself as a FWW. But for instance, we work with a very handsome younger guy. My eyeballs didn't fall out. I won't walk around talking about him being hot, but if one of the female coworkers make a comment (which is usually a few times a week) I will nod my head and laugh.
> 
> I don't like thinking about my h finding other women attractive, but if a girls got a nice rack, he's GONNA notice. If his buddy nudges him, he's not gonna be able to pull off a complete blasé attitude. I've seen it happen, my husband usually just gives a little smirk and raises his eyebrows.
> 
> ...


the text implied that they had talked together about how they both admired her attributes. I don't have it in front of me so I can't remember what was said. it was like, "i bet you wish you were on the golf team with Sherry" or something like that.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> you can't punish him for what his work buddy sent him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


then someone please tell me why I'm furious.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Somewhere out there, one guy will send a text to his buddy that reads "Did you see that hot chick in the yoga pants today?" And the buddy's wife will see that text.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> the text implied that they had talked together about how they both admired her attributes. I don't have it in front of me so I can't remember what was said. it was like, "i bet you wish you were on the golf team with Sherry" or something like that.


You are ASSUMING it implies they talked about it. It COULD be that work friend talked about it and hubby was there. So work friend assumes that hubby also thinks Sherry's got great attributes so he's projecting that on hubby.

Look, I get it. There was a time I'd be furious about that too. Until we agreed upon "you can't help what someone says to you, only how you respond". Hubby didn't get a chance to respond. I know you wanna be mad. That's the insecurity of being cheated on talking. I GET it. 

But at some point you're either going to have to TRY to trust his word, or leave. 

But without proof of what your husband said, don't punish him for what someone else said. It sounds like there's plenty for him to be punished for at other times. You pick your battles. I don't think this one is worth fighting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

No, the text implies they both know the woman. You are assuming they've talked about her repeatedly. His infidelity, your own as well, has made you imagine the worst case scenario. 

You do not know what the conversation was about. It's these types of conversations where it becomes convoluted. So, he's supposed to guess on what you'll assume, from a comment which you inferred, about something he didn't write, decide it is obvious the way he should behave and make a stand about something he doesn't know? You blew your top and didn't wait to see what his response was to confirm your assumption. What if he responded correctly? 

Your husband does a ton of things I think are stupid and insensitive, but this is one where I am shrugging my shoulders.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I agree with Philly. Too much left to be interpreted from this one. 

It sounds like there are plenty of battles to fight. This one just doesn't seem worth the energy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, the text implies they both know the woman. You are assuming they've talked about her repeatedly. His infidelity, your own as well, has made you imagine the worst case scenario.
> 
> You do not know what the conversation was about. It's these types of conversations where it becomes convoluted. So, he's supposed to guess on what you'll assume, from a comment which you inferred, about something he didn't write, decide it is obvious the way he should behave and make a stand about something he doesn't know? You blew your top and didn't wait to see what his response was to confirm your assumption. What if he responded correctly?
> 
> Your husband does a ton of things I think are stupid and insensitive, but this is one where I am shrugging my shoulders.


I asked who Sherry was and he said who she was and I said it sounded like they had conversations about her and he said Greg liked her. I said Right. Nothing else. I didn't blow my top. I'm here asking what to do and how to react before I talk to him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is Greg married?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Is Greg married?


yes.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why am I not surprised.....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Men and women, married or not, talk about attractive people. Acting like this doesn't happen is ignorant. Acting like it stops because you had an affair or got married is silly. Your sentence would have worked if she answered he was single.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I said Right. Nothing else.


His reply means your inflection must have alerted him to a bigger issue. We both are adults, I know I can say "okay" a certain way and my wife will IMMEDIATELY ask if I am angry,



> I didn't do anything wrong. I love YOU!"


His reaction to this isn't a red flag to me. You guys have MAJOR issues, one of which is his behavior and your reactions. 



> I have not texted back - even though he's sent me several.


Then you double down with no returned texts. So, even if you really only meant a non-committal normal "right," your further actions made the situation more volatile.



> I didn't blow my top..


You only said "right," he freaked out and you didn't return his texts. You asked him about "Sherry" when you could have waited, vented here and asked him for his phone when he returned.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> His reply means your inflection must have alerted him to a bigger issue. We both are adults, I know I can say "okay" a certain way and my wife will IMMEDIATELY ask if I am angry,
> 
> His reaction to this isn't a red flag to me. You guys have MAJOR issues, one of which is his behavior and your reactions.
> 
> ...


I disagree. I needed to calm down before we talked and I did. He didn't freak out that I didin't return his call - not sure where you got that - he assumed I needed some time. I'm not going to ask him for his phone. We talked last night and he said he had never talked about Sherry (or any other women) with this guy, he was surprised he sent that text and he didn't reply.
I said it was a very hard text to see. Considering our past, and how well we've been doing lately and that this is how I found out about affair 1, it was hard to assume the best. He said he understood but that he can't control what people send him. I said I get that but understand how I feel. Anything that I see that is hinky I'm going to ask about. and believe me, I've let a LOT go that I don't ask about. 
I said I realized that he is out and about in the public a lot and that there are attractive people out there but I kind of don't want to know about it. But when it literally STARES YOU IN THE FACE it's going to hurt and I'm going to ask. I feel justified to have all the feelings I did and I felt I handled it the best way I could. Most of my venting went on here. 

your comment that all men and women talk about attractive people - no they don't. I do not. And my friends know not to talk about that with me. A person can put that out there. After what I did, it's respectful of my husband.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Steph:

I don't think this is a battle worth fighting. Your husband seems "okay" on this one (my opinion).

In another thread you posted:

"I swear to God, a few hours every month I get so horny I say to myself I'm going to jump on the next guy I see. I don't of course, but dear God! It's like an alien takes over my body sometimes... 
anyone else? "

Someone could say that's not okay. Why doesn't she say that he wants to jump her husband etc etc

Most people have "inappropriate" thoughts at one time or another. Actions are what matters most.

All that said: sit your husband down and tell him how you feel.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

It could have been as simple as she has a great pair and they are going to ogle.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Steph:
> 
> 
> 
> All that said: sit your husband down and tell him how you feel.


I did.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> It could have been as simple as she has a great pair and they are going to ogle.


see to me that is a step on the slippery slope.

I might feel horny but I'm never going to direct it to a specific guy, unless it's my husband.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I believe if your H was truly hitting on all cylinders of protecting his marriage he would tell his buddy to knock it off and be respectful. 



It's inappropriate.

So, I understand why it upset you.

This is also an example of an affair trigger without question. This is a time he should be displaying empathy for that trigger. I'm glad he emphasized "I love YOU"... smart. But I feel he needs to take it one step further and call his buddy on the carpet moving forward.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I doubt your H would say the same.
> 
> BTW, did you mention you were/are a fWW?


yes, I've mentioned that on here several times.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I believe if your H was truly hitting on all cylinders of protecting his marriage he would tell his buddy to knock it off and be respectful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you! My God! Thank you! 
And he might still do that... All i'll say is that if my friend did that to me and hubby found the text my friend would get a stern talking to. 
I love your phrase - hitting on all cylinders of protecting our marriage. I will use that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> Thank you! My God! Thank you!
> And he might still do that... All i'll say is that if my friend did that to me and hubby found the text my friend would get a stern talking to.
> I love your phrase - hitting on all cylinders of protecting our marriage. I will use that.


You are VERY welcome.

Just callin' it like I see it :wink2:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm not going to argue about how he feels because you know better than me. Is it easy for me to believe he freaked out and didn't tell you? Yep. Just like you both taught each other to not trust actions, you've also taught each other how to walk on eggshells. I get the freaked out because of his reactions to your anger in many different threads.


stephscarlett said:


> We talked last night and he said he had never talked about Sherry (or any other women) with this guy, he was surprised he sent that text and he didn't reply.


 Yes, this is what many of us said. I have NEVER said it was wrong to feel the way you do. I said your assumptions may be wrong. He NEVER got a chance to fire anything back because you had the phone. Triggers suck, but trying to MAKE someone act the way YOU DO is incorrect. 



> your comment *that all men and women talk about attractive people *- no they don't. I do not. And my friends know not to talk about that with me. A person can put that out there. After what I did, it's respectful of my husband.


Who's comment? I didn't say *ALL*, I said:



> *Men and women,* married or not,* talk about attractive people.*


As evidenced by the comment from Greg to your husband this is true. Also, I disagree with Blossom. He was in an conundrum, if he texts back it is all show because you saw the comment. If he doesn't he's now making you trigger and should have shut the guy down. Sorry, there are times where you leave it alone. Now, if it happens again, he knows to shut it down. This is a learning experience and it will be full of mistakes. You either have to surf the wave, or move on to calmer seas.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

there was no chance to hide anything because I saw the text first when it dinged when it came in. I don't think he was freaked out. He probably thought that he has some explaining to do and I hope is royally pissed at his friend for sending a text that could be interpreted in many different ways. Which is why I asked Who is Sherry, could you explain this text? Not, you ******* douche who's having another affair. 

He may not ever respond to this guy. I know what I would do though. And if he doesnt' say anything, I guess that is the kind of person he is. More information that I know about him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> then someone please tell me why I'm furious.


Because deep down you know your H is dishonourable
and if really cared enough about your feelings he wouldn't be having such conversations. However, as others have said he cannot be held responsible for something his friend said.

Two affairs and you are still around? Maybe you need to reconsider a future without him


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I think my main reason for saying not to freak out on your husband or fight this battle is that he didn’t have a CHANCE to respond, because you had his phone. 

I agree with Blossom that it’s a trigger, you can’t help how it makes you feel, but given the fact that your husband didn’t have a chance to respond BEFORE you brought it up, you can’t get mad at how you assume he would or wouldn’t have responded. 

A trigger is a trigger. And the fact that you have triggers is on your husband. But you can also choose HOW to deal with your triggers. 

Saturday was my husbands birthday. His ex gf’s mom posted on his facebook “Happy birthday, I love you!” I was in the bathtub when I read it. My entire body started shaking, my heart started pounding. Sick to my stomach, angry, frustrated, day in the toilet. I came here and vented. I didn’t say one word to my husband. Because what I needed to do was wait and see how HE responded. I needed to see if he would reply back “Love you too!” so I vented here and I sat and waited. He never responded. At all. He didn’t even ‘like’ her post, but he commented back on every single one of the other 262 birthday posts that were on his timeline. That’s what I needed to see. That HE wouldn’t respond. 

I will be the first to admit, her post sent me into a trigger, but I cannot control what she posts on his timeline. In my perfect world, they wouldn’t be facebook friends at all, but we’re not 100% where we need to be yet. So if they’re going to be FB friends, I need to see that my husband does not engage her. I need to see HIS reaction. 

In the past, I surely would have jumped his **** for it. Because I need him to put me first, etc. And it would have turned into a massive fight about how I go looking for things to get angry about, how I blame him for what other people do that he has no control over, etc. In other words – it would not have been good. At all.

Instead, I vented here, I never said a word to him, I watched his response – to which there was none. And I’m good. Assuming that he was going to respond and trying to pick apart every little piece of that facebook post would have done more harm than good.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> you can’t get mad at how you assume he would or wouldn’t have responded.
> 
> .


I am NOT mad about this. I am angry that there seems to be some sort of lazy professional attitude at his job where talking about women sexually seems to be ok. I'm mad that there is an implication that they've talked about her. The only thing about the text is that it was revealed to me there. How he responds to it is not as important as me finding out this is how it goes at the bank. 
It's slippery slope stuff that in our marriage, we need to be avoiding.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

aine said:


> Because deep down you know your H is dishonourable


Actually, it is deeper than this explanation. I don't fully disagree, but there is more baggage intertwined.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Steph, I mean this with all respect possible. EVERY work place has people that talk about the opposite sex. 

We have a supplier that comes in once a week. This guy is textbook good looking. Swoony type good looking. Gives Channing Tatum a run for his money. The first time he came in years ago EVERY woman in the place was like "oh my god". The jokes started flowing about having special supplier lunches with this guy, making up excuses to bring him in for meetings, etc. But it was all in jest. My boss even said she needed to find a way to get him alone. She's married and loves the crap out of her husband and I highly doubt she would ever cheat, but behind closed doors when all the women were sitting in her office, yeah we joked about how hot he was. Fanned ourselves, etc. 

After the first few times he came, the "allure of his studliness" no longer did anything for me. Now he's just the supplier that visits one day a week. His initial attractiveness wore off. He's way too "pretty" for me to give more than a second glance if I was single. I can appreciate he's attractive, but my husbands rugged good looks, his beard, his tattoos, that's what gets my motor runnin. 

I'll walk back in the door now and he's here, I'll glance at him and some part of my brain will register he's an attractive man, but I don't want to stick my hands down his pants. The women STILL make comments to this day and every one of them is married. One is a lesbian married to a woman and SHE comments!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Steph, I mean this with all respect possible. EVERY work place has people that talk about the opposite sex.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand that. As long as hubby and I don't participate. I just don't think it's kosher, after what we did. I understand that he can't control what other people say. But the text kind of implied that they HAD talked about her. 
I dunno, would he be ok with me saying, "look at the package on that guy." After what I did, it would bring up some insecurities in him I'm sure. A wondering if I was still out looking, ya know.
But, he said they had never talked about her.. after I talked to him last night.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You don't even see what you are doing do you?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> I understand that. As long as hubby and I don't participate. I just don't think it's kosher, after what we did. I understand that he can't control what other people say. But the text kind of implied that they HAD talked about her.
> I dunno, would he be ok with me saying, "look at the package on that guy." After what I did, it would bring up some insecurities in him I'm sure. A wondering if I was still out looking, ya know.
> But, he said they had never talked about her.. after I talked to him last night.


Steph, it is 100% certain that H and Greg had talked about his woman before in a sexual way and that your H has allowed that conversation, probably encouraged it. No doubt at a minimum Greg told your husband that he wants to sleep with that woman. 

Based on your (you and H) history, yes this is inappropriate.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Stop projecting your own boundaries issues into threads. Blaming him for something Greg possibly said is ridiculous. If he said she's hot and he didn't respond, he doesn't deserve to be punished because he didn't react to her standards. It is NOT 100% because they are WAAAAAAY further ahead than you in an OPEN reconciliation process. You are not even in reconciliation unless something has changed.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You don't even see what you are doing do you?


are you talking to me? No, I don't. I think all waywards should have very firm boundaries. We have actually had this conversation about appropriate work behavior.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I walked in the bathroom last night to take a bath and our little tube of KY Jelly was on the back of the toilet. My husband was in the basement so I took it down and said “hey tough guy, if you’re gonna use this in the bathroom, how bout you put it back in the bedroom when you’re done?” He looked at me and said that he had used it on his earrings because for some reason the holes in his ears were closing up and he couldn’t get his earrings through.

I told him I didn’t care if he used it for his earrings or to whack his pud, but that it needed to be put where the KIDS couldn’t find it when he was done. 

I could have assumed he used it for the option I mentioned, but the thing is, I don’t know. (nor do I care) But ASSUMING isn’t going to get me anywhere. He told me he used it for his ears. At that point, I have a choice whether or not to believe him. I don’t believe that he used it on his ears rather than his tallywacker, but since I don’t have proof – I am left with my assumption. But my assumption is not proof. It being in the bathroom IMPLIES he spanked the monkey, but it doesn’t PROVE he played with Big Jim and the Twins. 

Assumptions and implications don’t automatically make anything proof. But what you can choose to do is either believe him or not and if you don’t believe him – then make a choice. If he’s not respecting your boundaries, then make a choice. If he’s not doing what he needs to do, then make a choice. 

Again, all respect, but you just seem MISERABLE.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I walked in the bathroom last night to take a bath and our little tube of KY Jelly was on the back of the toilet. My husband was in the basement so I took it down and said “hey tough guy, if you’re gonna use this in the bathroom, how bout you put it back in the bedroom when you’re done?” He looked at me and said that he had used it on his earrings because for some reason the holes in his ears were closing up and he couldn’t get his earrings through.
> 
> I told him I didn’t care if he used it for his earrings or to whack his pud, but that it needed to be put where the KIDS couldn’t find it when he was done.
> 
> ...


I didn't assume. I asked. He clarified. I needed more time to think. We talked again last night and I got more clarification and assurance.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@phillybeffandswiss What is your problem? That is twice in this thread you are trying to shout me down. I happen to agree with OP and stated my opinion. No need to throw my story back into my face. If you had your act together you would not be here either.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Again, all respect, but you just seem MISERABLE.


well losing, what should I have done differently then? Make a decision and then trust every damn thing that comes up. Question NOTHING?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> are you talking to me? No, I don't.


You are starting to create a self fulfilling prophecy to protect yourself if the marriage fails. It is a text which you say implies they talked about her. You have added all of the sexual innuendos, looks, how work is as presidents, workplace disgust and other things to keep making this bigger.



> I think all waywards should have very firm boundaries.


I think everyone should have firm boundaries in marriage, but their is a fine line between being firm and controlling. It's talked about all over this board in low sex marriages, good marriages and marriages with infidelity. You can't force someone to hold your standards and no matter how good you choose, there may be an issue which you have to let go or move on. Still, pick the right one, not a minuscule text which can be interpreted many different ways.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> @phillybeffandswiss What is your problem?


Not you.



> That is twice in this thread you are trying to shout me down. I happen to agree with OP and stated my opinion. No need to throw my story back into my face.


I did the same thing as you. I used your history to explain, they can be in a different place. Just like you used her husband's history to show he had a 100% sexual conversation about this woman. You agree because it is what you did. He's further ahead so, he knows where she is at and has had other failures you have yet to encounter. 


> If you had your act together you would not be here either.


Actually, there are many people here who do not have affairs, are here to help and do not have problems. It is a great place to talk and get advice. My act is together and if disagreement bothers you, put me on ignore.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I am NOT mad about this. I am angry that there seems to be some sort of lazy professional attitude at his job where talking about women sexually seems to be ok. I'm mad that there is an implication that they've talked about her. The only thing about the text is that it was revealed to me there. How he responds to it is not as important as me finding out this is how it goes at the bank.
> It's slippery slope stuff that in our marriage, we need to be avoiding.


You live in the world. You cannot expect employers or anyone else to protect you from the world.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Steph, it is 100% certain that H and Greg had talked about his woman before in a sexual way and that your H has allowed that conversation, probably encouraged it. No doubt at a minimum Greg told your husband that he wants to sleep with that woman.


Why do you say stuff like this? It is dangerous. You have NO EARTHLY IDEA based on what she posted what he probably talked to whom about. So stop projecting. It is dangerous to other hurting posters.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> @phillybeffandswiss What is your problem? That is twice in this thread you are trying to shout me down. I happen to agree with OP and stated my opinion. No need to throw my story back into my face. If you had your act together you would not be here either.


It is the presumption in the absence of information that you know what "probably" went on and then giving advice as if that is what certainly went on. It is dangerous to the tenuous posters to whom you respond.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> well losing, what should I have done differently then? Make a decision and then trust every damn thing that comes up. Question NOTHING?


I’m not saying question nothing, I’m saying, don’t question EVERYTHING. It’s hard to keep your mind under control. I get that. I told you about my own trigger the other night. And trust me, I’m learning right along with you. 

Read my thread, I’m a mess too. 

But I think you need to learn to pick your battles and really weigh things. Learn to step back before confronting and think it through. You keep saying you didn’t assume and nothing was implied. If you didn’t assume and nothing was implied – you wouldn’t have sent a message that said “Who is Sherri and why were you talking about her?” Immediately defensive. Your husband handled it a bit better than mine did, mine probably would’ve told me to go **** myself for talking to him like that. 

Like I said, you can’t control your triggers, but taking a step back and a deep breath before you say ANYTHING can go a long way. You triggered from what someone else said to your husband because you assumed they talked about how hot Sherri was and you got mad about it. The smarter and healthier thing to do would have been to sit back and see what your HUSBANDS reaction was going to be. You cannot control the way he acts and reacts in every situation, but what you CAN do is decide what YOU are willing to live with. 

My best friend and I talk on the phone for a few hours each week. We talked for 2 hours Tuesday night. Her husband cheated on her 3 years ago. He now works a funky variation of third shift. She opened the phone bill and saw boatloads of texts to 2 numbers, late at night, only when he was away from the house. She triggered. She was losing her mind, assuming he was texting two women that he worked with so that he could flirt with them without other coworkers knowing they were flirting. All of this other stuff started coming up. I told her “give me the numbers right now and I’ll call you back”. I blocked my number, called the numbers and called her right back. I told her they were both males numbers and gave her the recorded name that ‘answered’ when the voicemail kicked on. They were her husbands 3rd shift maintenance men. But she assumed they were women and that he was communicating with other women. Had she confronted without proof? What do you think that would do? 

My suggestion is try to find a way to either step back and analyze a bit before you jump in feet first every time something happens or just make the decision to go. It feels like you’re stuck in a really bad place, it feels like you don’t feel your husband is going to do anything to help you get through this, it feels like you’re just delaying the inevitable or torturing yourself because you feel like you deserve it. You just seem SO unhappy.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> My suggestion is try to find a way to either step back and analyze a bit before you jump in feet first every time something happens .


this is EXACTLY WHAT I DO. I don't react to everything. I thought this was a text worth inquiring into. I have let SO MANY things go.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I am NOT mad about this. I am angry that there seems to be some sort of lazy professional attitude at his job where talking about women sexually seems to be ok. I'm mad that there is an implication that they've talked about her. The only thing about the text is that it was revealed to me there. How he responds to it is not as important as me finding out this is how it goes at the bank.
> *It's slippery slope stuff that in our marriage, we need to be avoiding.*


I guess I don't think that is going to work. The slope did not slide. You guys did. You need to be working on you, strengthening yourselves and your marriage. Not hiding away. Just my opinion.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> . It feels like you’re stuck in a really bad place, it feels like you don’t feel your husband is going to do anything to help you get through this, it feels like you’re just delaying the inevitable or torturing yourself because you feel like you deserve it.


I don't deserve ANY disrespectful action. So when I see it, I'm going to ask about it. I am FED UP and there is no room for error here. There have been errors - two weeks ago he went to an event that OW2 had previously helped organized. It took his IC and our MC to make him understand how this would be hurtful to me. 
I have had enough.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> strengthening yourselves and your marriage.


we are doing this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

steph - I am TOTALLY on your side here.

To all of you who think, oh, well, people talk about attractive members of the opposite sex. Sure they do. But when a guy has cheated, he DOESN'T GET TO DO THAT ANY MORE. More to the point, if he is serious about R with his wife, he shouldn't WANT to talk about it any more. He should realize what kind of person he is and, as part of him becoming a new and BETTER MAN, all of that type of behavious needs to STOP.

So if he is working in a culture where it's acceptable that women's bodies be objectified and commented on, he either needs to change that culture, or he needs to get a different job. It really is THAT SIMPLE.

And the wife does need to realize that he WILL still find other women attractive, and she cannot (nor should she want to) control his thinking. It's what he does with those thoughts that counts. Any guy serious about R and being truly remorseful will put a screeching halt to that type of behaviour, and if his buddies make sexual comments, he will tell them it needs to stop, and he SHOULD be telling them why, also, so that they understand what exactly is at stake.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> steph - I am TOTALLY on your side here.
> 
> To all of you who think, oh, well, people talk about attractive members of the opposite sex. Sure they do. But when a guy has cheated, he DOESN'T GET TO DO THAT ANY MORE. More to the point, if he is serious about R with his wife, he shouldn't WANT to talk about it any more. He should realize what kind of person he is and, as part of him becoming a new and BETTER MAN, all of that type of behavious needs to STOP.
> 
> ...


OMG thank you for this!!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> steph - I am TOTALLY on your side here.
> 
> To all of you who think, oh, well, people talk about attractive members of the opposite sex. Sure they do. But when a guy has cheated, he DOESN'T GET TO DO THAT ANY MORE. More to the point, if he is serious about R with his wife, he shouldn't WANT to talk about it any more. He should realize what kind of person he is and, as part of him becoming a new and BETTER MAN, all of that type of behavious needs to STOP.


I agree with this.



> So if he is working in a culture where it's acceptable that women's bodies be objectified and commented on, he either needs to change that culture, or he needs to get a different job. It really is THAT SIMPLE.


I disagree with this. He can simply let it be known that he will not participate in that culture.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> He can simply let it be known that he will not participate in that culture.


and that would be fine with me.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Why do you say stuff like this? It is dangerous. You have NO EARTHLY IDEA based on what she posted what he probably talked to whom about. So stop projecting. It is dangerous to other hurting posters.


As a single isolated incident I would agree. Listen to what OP initially wrote, her reaction to the text, her reaction to the comments here AND read what she wrote in her other threads. 

It is not a matter of projecting. I have not been cheated on, so there is nothing to project. I do however work in a business environment in which this type of conversation takes place between some guys but not others. Where I have observed this type of conversation it is because BOTH parties allow it. When one party does not allow this type of conversation, then it doesn't happen. OP wants and expects her H to not participate in this culture. 

I have friends and coworkers in which I could make the same comment that Greg didn't. I also have others in which I would NEVER make such a comment, even within a tighter friendship.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> steph - I am TOTALLY on your side here.
> 
> To all of you who think, oh, well, people talk about attractive members of the opposite sex. Sure they do. But when a guy has cheated, he DOESN'T GET TO DO THAT ANY MORE. More to the point, if he is serious about R with his wife, he shouldn't WANT to talk about it any more. He should realize what kind of person he is and, as part of him becoming a new and BETTER MAN, all of that type of behavious needs to STOP.


I agree, but you aren't reading what us "others" are talking about. Tell me what he did. Can you? She can't. What she can say is is this other married man's text triggered her. She has every right to be mad, angry, furious and whatever side you want to portray, but it is still wrong to punish her husband when he didn't do anything with the text. 

The string we are on now is one giant logical fallacy. She asked about this TEXT and now we are talking about everything one should do to make R work.If you want to make it about sides or whatever, go ahead. I do not disagree with anything she has asserted in this thread, EXCEPT to apply it to this specific incident. 


Dude sent a text, he didn't respond. Yes, there is baggage, but this isn't one to fight over.

Yes, history has a role, but extrapolating inference out of one text to punish someone is not healthy. Guess what, you are either going to monitor or have to let the small ones go.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> extrapolating inference out of one text to punish someone is not healthy.


what is the punishment? 
If he would ask me about a weird text I wouldn't think of it as punishment, I would think it an opportunity to talk. I'd be worried. And I'd be DAMN pissed at the colleague who sent it.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> and that would be fine with me.



I view the text as an opportunity for you and your husband to come together and get better about protecting your marriage. In addition to personal boundaries, a couple needs to practice, reinforce and discuss their preferred joint marital boundaries as well ===> AND couples recovering from infidelity REALLY needs to do this. 

For example, the text your husband got appears inappropriate. Speculate all you want what it actually meant or try to rationalize or justify it but the words themselves appear as inappropriate dialogue with a married man about another woman (unless Sherry was just a good golfer and that's why everyone wanted her on their team). In the real world, marital boundaries are going to be tested all time in various ways. Had you not discovered that text my guess is your husband would have probably said or done nothing about it, and THAT, to me is the real issue here. I believe he SHOULD HAVE done something (had he got it himself). I don't think you need or want to punish him for not doing what he should have (especially since he never had the chance to)....but rather, use the situation (and situations like this in the future) as a joint learning opportunity to discuss in a calm rational manner with each other what your MUTUAL expectations would be in the future for similar circumstances either of you may experience as a way for both of you to protect your marriage as well as demonstrate care for each other Such expectations might be: if someone texts or emails you inappropriate or even borderline inappropriate communications that you feel may or could offend your spouse were they looking over your shoulder reading it...then you either need to respond telling the person you are a married person and don't appreciate that type of humor/communication and would appreciate it if they didn't do that again and blind CC your spouse with the email or tell each other about it as soon as practical ***OR*** show your spouse the suspect communication and you can decide together whether it's really inappropriate and/or deserving of a response. Notice, these are marital boundaries. They apply both ways. Nobody gets upset and the more you do it === > the more comfortable and trusting you'll become. 

The BEST "marital boundaries" need to be discussed, considered and agreed to, IN ADVANCE. For example, non-business chatting and private messaging on the internet. I don't chat and/or private message with women. If a woman PM*ed me here ==>I'll read it and most likely ignore it or maybe publicly respond. If it requires or demands a private response, I'll discuss it with my wife and most typically (unless otherwise agreed) respond mentioning I talked to my wife and got her specific permission to message back and it will include my desire not to communicate privately again. My wife and I find that is a smart responsible way for us both to handle this for our marriage. We also maintain notebooks with all our passwords, user names, etc that we each can access pretty much anytime and our phones/computers aren't password protected. You (or anyone else) and your spouse may feel completely fine allowing such or feel that it's best to NEVER have any opposite sex communications -> whatever, but the point is that they need to be brainstormed and discussed, preferably, in advance and then the issue should be revisited regularly so there is little room left for doubt or impropriety going forward.

Learn together to do better together.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I agree, but you aren't reading what us "others" are talking about.


Yes, those that DISAGREE with you have indeed READ and UNDERSTOOD what you said. 

What you fail to understand that OP knows her H extremely well and therefore is interpreting the text within that context. This thread is just one small piece of OP's story. You think she should just rug sweep this. She does not.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Quality said:


> I view the text as an opportunity for you and your husband to come together and get better about protecting your marriage. In addition to personal boundaries, a couple needs to practice, reinforce and discuss their preferred joint marital boundaries as well ===> AND couples recovering from infidelity REALLY needs to do this.
> 
> For example, the text your husband got appears inappropriate. Speculate all you want what it actually meant or try to rationalize or justify it but the words themselves appear as inappropriate dialogue with a married man about another woman (unless Sherry was just a good golfer and that's why everyone wanted her on their team). In the real world, marital boundaries are going to be tested all time in various ways. Had you not discovered that text my guess is your husband would have probably said or done nothing about it, and THAT, to me is the real issue here. I believe he SHOULD HAVE done something (had he got it himself). I don't think you need or want to punish him for not doing what he should have (especially since he never had the chance to)....but rather, use the situation (and situations like this in the future) as a joint learning opportunity to discuss in a calm rational manner with each other what your MUTUAL expectations would be in the future for similar circumstances either of you may experience as a way for both of you to protect your marriage as well as demonstrate care for each other Such expectations might be: if someone texts or emails you inappropriate or even borderline inappropriate communications that you feel may or could offend your spouse were they looking over your shoulder reading it...then you either need to respond telling the person you are a married person and don't appreciate that type of humor/communication and would appreciate it if they didn't do that again and blind CC your spouse with the email or tell each other about it as soon as practical ***OR*** show your spouse the suspect communication and you can decide together whether it's really inappropriate and/or deserving of a response. Notice, these are marital boundaries. They apply both ways. Nobody gets upset and the more you do it === > the more comfortable and trusting you'll become.
> 
> ...


this is great advice. like you and I both said, it's an opportunity for discussion and your advice on how to handle things like this is exactly how I would like a marriage i'm in to work. 
I don't think he'd tell me about it. But, we'll have that conversation, which will lead to another conversation about what we want this to look like in the future. I thought we HAD that conversation but... 

About two years ago I asked a guy I work with (he is the shop teacher) if he would make a couple extra holes in my belt. 
He replied that he'd love to be an extra notch on my belt. The first thing I did was tell hubby, who was hurt but... we decided I would reply how inappropriate that was.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> I disagree with this. He can simply let it be known that he will not participate in that culture.


He can, although being around that type of work environment is never a good idea for a cheater. The thing is, he should want to NOT be around the culture. It's all part of being truly remorseful. If he's truly remorseful, he shouldn't want to expose himself to the LEAST bit of temptation.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> what is the punishment?


 You called him and then didn't return multiple texts. He had to wait while you ignored him. I learned this is how I punished my wife. Trust me, I've had to cool down before, but I make sure to not make things worse by giving the silent treatment. 



> If he would ask me about a weird text I wouldn't think of it as punishment, I would think it an opportunity to talk. I'd be worried. And I'd be DAMN pissed at the colleague who sent it.


I agree communication is key, but it is how it is accomplished which will help move you guys forward. I guess I'll be slightly blunt, I hate the things going on in your marriage and what has happened to you. You are doing one of the scary things, which causes relationships to fall apart when certain things happen. You are building a wall. As your threads and posts have continued, you become more and more adversarial, to me, in your marriage. Sometimes, it feels like you are keeping count of the wrong so, when the bank is full you can bail. As I've said before, your husband is kind a cad, but it could be him and he needs you to remind him of where you two are at.

Honestly, bring this up to you counselors because it sounds like you both are goose stepping around a much larger issue.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I agree, but you aren't reading what us "others" are talking about. Tell me what he did. Can you? She can't. What she can say is is this other married man's text triggered her. She has every right to be mad, angry, furious and whatever side you want to portray, but it is still wrong to punish her husband when he didn't do anything with the text.
> 
> The string we are on now is one giant logical fallacy. She asked about this TEXT and now we are talking about everything one should do to make R work.If you want to make it about sides or whatever, go ahead. I do not disagree with anything she has asserted in this thread, EXCEPT to apply it to this specific incident.
> 
> ...


In order to make R work, you HAVE to take everything as a whole. You can't pick and choose what you want to do or what he should be doing. He has to do it ALL. Otherwise he fails.

The fact he even GOT that text shows what kind of work culture he's in, and that alone is a huge problem. Whether he answers the text or not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

steph, have you read Not Just Friends?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I think my main reason for saying not to freak out on your husband or fight this battle is that he didn?t have a CHANCE to respond, because you had his phone.
> 
> I agree with Blossom that it?s a trigger, you can?t help how it makes you feel, but given the fact that your husband didn?t have a chance to respond BEFORE you brought it up, you can?t get mad at how you assume he would or wouldn?t have responded.
> 
> ...


I.e. You swept everything under the rug. He still gets to be FB friends with someone who is an enemy to your marriage and you don't want to do anything about it because you'd rather avoid a fight instead of establishing boundaries. Like you do with every issue. And here you are telling the OP to do the same. Terrible advice. 

Steph, nothing wrong in confronting your H about this. He owes it to you to provide assurance when you need it, and respect your boundaries. It doesn't matter how or what he would have tesponded. He shouldn't be getting those kind of texts and he needs to tell this coworker to stop that kind of talk with him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> In order to make R work, you HAVE to take everything as a whole. You can't pick and choose what you want to do or what he should be doing. He has to do it ALL. Otherwise he fails.


 I agree, but at this point we are talking past each other. I discussed this earlier, but either my posts are being skimmed or missed. You don't rug sweep, but you don't make everything a nuclear war either. 



> The fact he even GOT that text shows what kind of work culture he's in, and that alone is a huge problem. Whether he answers the text or not.


Yes, or this guy's a douche and he needs to end their relationship and keep it more professional.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You are building a wall. As
> 
> Honestly, bring this up to you counselors because it sounds like you both are goose stepping around a much larger issue.


how is talking about things or questioning things building a wall? 

larger issue being?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> steph, have you read Not Just Friends?


many times.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey Steph, I do not agree with talking about women like that. I have had friends say stuff like that to me as well. I just say ya or a small grin and let it pass. It was never started by a conversation we were having about the women the comment was made about. I think they were actually trying to see it the could trip me up to get me to say something. 

Being hurt in the past is why you are so upset by this. Take a few deep breaths and remember it was not your husband that said it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> how is talking about things or questioning things building a wall?


It's not, but I did say much more.


> You are doing one of the scary things, which causes relationships to fall apart when certain things happen. You are building a wall. As your threads and posts have continued, you become more and more adversarial, to me, in your marriage.


I mentioned all of your threads in context to "building a wall." You should talk and communicate with your husband, I haven't said anything different. 


> larger issue being?


Is your husband seeing anyone about your other thread?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I agree, but at this point we are talking past each other. I discussed this earlier, but either my posts are being skimmed or missed. You don't rug sweep, but you don't make everything a nuclear war either.


Sorry, I know where you're coming from, I just keep getting interrupted at work to do actual work and not quite finishing what I am saying :grin2:



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yes, or this guy's a douche and he needs to end their relationship and keep it more professional.


Absolutely.

I tend to have far less tolerance for bullsh!t from cheaters, especially in the early days, and especially the ones who aren't truly remorseful. And this guy isn't truly remorseful. Maybe if he was he'd get a pass from me too for this. I know that at the point I am at in my own R, my husband would get a pass for this. If I intercepted a text from a buddy of his like that, I'd be asking him what he planned to do about it, knowing that I would get the right answer, and I would not be triggered. It would be something the two of us would agree on - that said buddy should probably not be a buddy much longer. Steph is nowhere near that point.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> I am NOT mad about this. I am angry that there seems to be some sort of lazy professional attitude at his job where talking about women sexually seems to be ok. I'm mad that there is an implication that they've talked about her. The only thing about the text is that it was revealed to me there. How he responds to it is not as important as me finding out this is how it goes at the bank.
> It's slippery slope stuff that in our marriage, we need to be avoiding.



Steph, this happens everywhere a group of guys work. They can either join in on it or not. I have chose not too so has your husband. Its that simple, sorry but it is the truth.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

stephscarlett said:


> many times.


:smthumbup:


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> Not just friends


he has not. He's not a reader. It's what I do for a living though.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

ABHale said:


> I have chose not too so has your husband. Its that simple, sorry but it is the truth.


I'm not entirely sure on this. the text was just... too familiar. I've known this man for 30 years.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It's not, but I did say much more.
> I mentioned all of your threads in context to "building a wall." You should talk and communicate with your husband, I haven't said anything different.
> 
> Is your husband seeing anyone about your other thread?


which one?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Sorry, I know where you're coming from, I just keep getting interrupted at work to do actual work and not quite finishing what I am saying :grin2:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


See and we are 99% on the same page. When she posted she was "eff em," "why am I so furious, etc etc etc. If being angry at me made the communication better, I am happy to get beat up. I think he is HIGHLY conflicted and needs help that his wife or a normal counselor can't provide.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

steph, I do know what is meant by you building a wall though. And R cannot happen when you do. Your husband isn't doing what he needs to do to prove he's worthy, so you're detaching. Part of you detaching is getting mad. I am the first to advocate getting pi$$ed RIGHT OFF at a cheater, but at a certain point you have to stop. Staying with someone who is not really working at R isn't going to work in the long run. Sure, you can stay together, but you're going to be miserable. If I found myself getting mad at my husband for not doing what he needs to do for R to happen, I'd end it. That's no way to live.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> When she posted she was "eff em," "why am I so furious, etc etc etc. .


yet this was all directed here. and not at him. I did not mention that I texted back to a family text last night and also saw and spoke to him (all very calmly) when our DD facetimed with me. He's staying with her while he's gone. So i was not completely silent. I should have said that.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> which one?


You are a survivor, which carries an entire subset of different issues many people do not understand. It is even worse with the infidelity issues in your marriage. 
Make sure you understand, I do not blame you at all. I worry about you when you do post. Sometimes, I feel you are moving forward. Other times things happen or your husband does something, which sets you back even further.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Oh that thread. He sees an IC. I have no idea what they talk about. 
Things will probably move pretty slowly for us, considering. 
However, I don't see this as a step back but more asserting myself.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think at this point her anger is healthy. If she lets too much of her anger go this reconcilliation will fail.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I agree, but this has become a very UNIQUE infidelity situation. I'm not talking just about detaching, which I understad, they are dealing with another factor which hurts the reconciliation as well.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Whats the other factor as you see it?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I think he's talking about my sexual
Assault.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The way I see it, the skills to overcome the additional trauma are the same. It makes it unique, but not insurmountable. Its just requires extra care and attentiveness.

Wasn't sure if that what philly was referencing since he used the word "becoming."


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

When I read this I read it as you intercepted the text and flew off the handle. 

I think others did too and that's what my advice was based on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I don't think I "flew off the handle." This was pretty calm compared to what we have been through in the past.,I asked. He answered. I don't know where you get that I flew off the handle. 
And, I don't think I misinterpreted the text.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

We had a good evening last night. I asked for clarification and assurance today. He was pissed. Frustrated. Said we handled it in Friday, that I need to take his word for it and be done with it. I said I'm not at 100% trust yet. He said he gets that but he's tired of getting punished for something he didn't do. He told me to get pissed at the co-worker. And that he was going to say something to him. I said yeah, I would be majorly pissed at a friend who did this. 

I'm sorry. I can't take him at his word. I can pretend to. I can not ask about anything and just hope for the best. That is not trust though. It just isn't. I took him at his word before and he broke it. It isn't back yet. He doesn't trust me 100% either. But just hopes for the best and doesn't worry about it, because that's what married ppl do- trust and take people at their word. 

His lack of empathy is profound. He feels sorry for himself that I don't trust him. Doesn't feel bad for me. He could not, after several
Prompts from me, put himself in my situation reading that text. I don't understand this. I feel the opposite. Yet, I bet a lot of ppl feel this way. 

So some thoughts - I don't trust him. There it is. Would love to. But don't . 
he has little capacity to consider my feelings. These are facts. 

I also think he won't cheat on me again and if I just keep my mouth shut and play nice, all will be good. 
He's actually a very considerate guy in every other venue of our life. 
We got ourselves together and are at the lake now after about 30 minutes of just not understanding each other. You can throw all the communication books at us you want. We're totally different ppl.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How do you feel things would play out if you did lay low for a few months? Is that something you can do?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

What do you mean by lay low? I only bring things up if there is an issue. Absolutely no relationship talk unless there is a question or a crisis. 
Is that what you mean?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> What do you mean by lay low? I only bring things up if there is an issue. Absolutely no relationship talk unless there is a question or a crisis.
> Is that what you mean?


No, lay low on all of it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And not because you aren't justified. But to give this reconciliation a break just to see what your husband chooses on his own.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I won't bring the incident up again. 

I don't see him making any different choices then he is right now.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> I won't bring the incident up again.
> 
> I don't see him making any different choices then he is right now.


Yea, it won't surprise me either, but sometimes when you open up space between the notes, music is created. You guys have been hard at work at this for a while. Think of a timeframe YOU are comfortable with and get some rest from it in a strategic break. Summer of 2013 I took a solid four months and laid low on all of it. It helped me gain crystal clear vision on my next move. That was a priceless gift to myself at the time.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I can do this, bit if I think there is another affair I won't be able to just watch. This is why I said something about the text. I have let lots of other things go by...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> I can do this, bit if I think there is another affair I won't be able to just watch. This is why I said something about the text. I have let lots of other things go by...


Understood. A third affair would have to be a deal breaker. I think that is perfectly reasonable.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Of course a 3rd affair is reason to be a deal breaker. 

I'm not suggesting to take him at his word, but one thing I've decided (very recently) to do is let my husband be who he is. If he contacts ex gf again, it's over. If he continues to not put in the work I feel he needs to, then I have a decision to make. He puts in work some days, other days, not so much. And I drive myself crazy wanting him to want to do the things I want him to do. But it reached a point that I have to let him be him and then decide if I can live with it or not.

We are so new to reconciliation. Less than 3 months in. Some days are amazing. Today I woke up in tears. He didn't DO anything wrong, I just woke up too early and laid there thinking about how different things could've been if I wouldn't have done what I did and he didn't do what he did.

But I'm making a choice to let him prove who he is. And then I'll have decisions to make. If he's gonna do it again, he's gonna do it again. And no amount of begging from me beforehand will stop it if it is what he wants to do. Of course, if he does, the pain will be great. But he needs to prove to me he won't, and if he's not willing to DO it, then that's where my decisions come in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Honestly, a second affair is time to go IMO. Again this is why I say steph's situation is unique because there are variables, doesn't make his actions correct in any way, which people do not know, remember or are purposely ignoring.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

last night, after I was unable to sleep:
I said, "it is taking me a while to get over this weekend." he said, "but I didn't do anything wrong." I said, "a text is how I figured out your first affair. I thought something was going on. Imagine the sinking feeling in my gut. It took me back to that feeling. I triggered. Hard. that is why I needed about three conversations for clarity on this." He said "but if I say I'm sorry that means I did something wrong and I didn't." I said, "imagine I have a broken leg, you had nothing to do with it breaking, wouldn't you feel for me?" He said "yes, but I wouldn't be sorry, that would mean I had something to do with it. I would feel bad for you. I DO feel bad for you. I just don't know how to act." I said, "just be here for me." 

So if this would have happened to him I would have said something like how sorry I was for putting him in a position where things like this can trigger him, etc. 
But, I guess he kind of gets it.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Steph that sounds really positive actually. He is fighting over semantics though. Don't be afraid to feed him the words you need. "I am sorry my past actions still cause you pain" or whatever it is.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> last night, after I was unable to sleep:
> I said, "it is taking me a while to get over this weekend." he said, "but I didn't do anything wrong." I said, "a text is how I figured out your first affair. I thought something was going on. Imagine the sinking feeling in my gut. It took me back to that feeling. I triggered. Hard. that is why I needed about three conversations for clarity on this." He said "but if I say I'm sorry that means I did something wrong and I didn't." I said, "imagine I have a broken leg, you had nothing to do with it breaking, wouldn't you feel for me?" He said "yes, but I wouldn't be sorry, that would mean I had something to do with it. I would feel bad for you. I DO feel bad for you. I just don't know how to act." I said, "just be here for me."
> 
> So if this would have happened to him I would have said something like how sorry I was for putting him in a position where things like this can trigger him, etc.
> But, I guess he kind of gets it.


Excellent... that' all it takes. Just being there for the pain. It is great he had the capacity to express and the willingness to express that he just didn't know how to behave on your triggers. Who does when first going through all this recovery stuff. Its a learning curve. That gives me hope for y'all that he was able to do that and YOU were able to express back to him "just be here for my pain." Bravo Girl.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I think I will use the broken leg analogy again. When I get sad, angry or frustrated about any affair stuff, he can't separate what he did from how I'm feeling. If he can be detached from the event and just help me deal with the trigger, then it's much better.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> I think I will use the broken leg analogy again. When I get sad, angry or frustrated about any affair stuff, he can't separate what he did from how I'm feeling. If he can be detached from the event and just help me deal with the trigger, then it's much better.


great idea


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> I said, "just be here for me."


Well done. I am not sure how you would describe your H but there are many of us guys in which empathy does not come naturally. We argue over the technical merits of the issue and either do not think about the emotional side or do not know how to handle the emotional side. We frequently need to be reminded of that with a "just be here for me" revelation. :smile2:


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Does your husband know how to “be there for you?” I’ve noticed if I’m crying or upset, my husband will leave me alone. Whereas my idea of “being there for me” means hug me, hold me, tell me everything will be ok. Let me cry in your arms.

I can picture my husband saying “saying I’m sorry implies I didn’t do anything wrong”. He fails to understand that “I’m sorry” could just mean “I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way” It’s that whole empathy thing.

Maybe it’s just a woman thing, but I can’t stand to see someone hurting. I don’t care who they are. Family is even worse to see hurting. I don’t understand people who can just sit there and watch someone hurt without trying to help them.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Does your husband know how to “be there for you?” I’ve noticed if I’m crying or upset, my husband will leave me alone. Whereas my idea of “being there for me” means hug me, hold me, tell me everything will be ok. Let me cry in your arms.
> 
> I can picture my husband saying “saying I’m sorry implies I didn’t do anything wrong”. He fails to understand that “I’m sorry” could just mean “I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way” It’s that whole empathy thing.


yeah, he knows to hug me... 
I know, the I'm sorry thing. I mean, he says that when someone dies and he didn't cause the death... yep, the empathy thing - very difficult for him.


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