# Need Help Kindling Fire w/Depressed LD Wife



## kaldor (Mar 27, 2013)

Hi all, the problem I'm facing is that my wife has been diagnosed with major depression and PTSD from childhood trauma (non-sexual trauma). We've been together 10 years, married 6, and sex used to be fantastic.

However, in recent years we've had a myriad of problems, and although it has led to her being LD, we have resolved most of them and get along great, but are in a sexless marriage. Meaning we've had sex around 5 times in the last ~ two years.

On top of that, I have mild depression and self esteem issues, which also hurts things. Plus we have a 1 year old running around the house wearing us out, so I don't have the energy to work out and get in really good shape again.

She doesn't seem to care about lack of sex at all, but I feel like I am miserable without it. I know her medication stifles her desire level too, but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

I have no desire to leave or cheat or anything like that. But does anyone have any advice on how to approach this situation and get things started back up again? Specifically with a LD partner with depression? It's hard to stay positive and confident, which are probably the two things that would help most, so I'm at a loss. Thanks in advance.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

This can be a long and detailed response. I want to you let you know that you have fallen into a normal pattern that is possible in long term relationships and marriages.

There are ways for restoring a more mutually benefitial pattern, where both you and your wife is more fulfilled and her LD is improved or at least she understands your needs enough to take care of you at some level.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For your wife to snap out of her LD and depression will take meds, therapy and a lot of time.

It's always the LD spouse that doesn't see a sexless marriage as an issue.

When she hits menopause, and she is LD now, you will probably has zero sex at that point.

You have to talk with her and let her know sex is important to you and you're miserable. Can you endure this for another 10+ years?

Things to ponder....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I realize depression can develop slowly but if you had fantastic sex before you should be able to have it again. I can't see why her childhood trauma plays a part here unless something triggered her. But these are all things that only SHE can resolve.

However, you being out of shape is something YOU need to resolve and should start now. it's like a mini-180.


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## kaldor (Mar 27, 2013)

Yeah her depression was triggered (or further triggered I guess) when the sexual problems started happening. On top of that, I was not equipped to help her or to deal with her depression increasing, so we had a number of fights around that time too. Those have led to resentful feelings on her part in the past, and to be perfectly honest, on my side as well.

However, we have chipped away at it through therapy, self help books, etc... over the last few years. With the exception of our sex life.

I am not ok with not having a non-sexual relationship, but I will not leave her either, because I do love her. So I feel torn apart at this stage.

I have started exercising and eating better, and have lost 20 pounds since my highest weight. But now I am just trying to maintain and be patient.

Does anyone have any advice on how to broach the subject of sexual desire with a LD partner with depression without making her feel like she's being attacked or making her depression worse?


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

As a woman with depression issues, I can tell you, when depression gets heavy (especially if medicated) sex eventually becomes, literally, the last thing on one's mind. I'm not sure what your wife is taking, but I spent time on Zoloft and Prozac and both completely destroyed my ability orgasm. It made sex an extremely frustrating chore. 

I'd say the best way to broach this subject is just have a calm, frank discussion about sex. Which...no one really likes to do when there are problems. But the best way to keep your wife from feeling attacked: don't accuse her, blame her or make it sound like it's her fault. Sit down with her and tell her something along the lines of "I miss our sex life. Sex is still extremely important to me, but I want to make you happy, too. How can I/we be better?" And just ask her what she wants. 

You guys have already gone through so much work together, I think you can absolutely overcome this hurdle. It'll take more than one conversation, I'm sure...but don't be afraid to open the door! Good luck to you


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## kaldor (Mar 27, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> I'm not sure what your wife is taking, but I spent time on Zoloft and Prozac and both completely destroyed my ability orgasm. It made sex an extremely frustrating chore.


Thanks for that plasmasunn (and everyone pitching in with advice). She is on Zoloft, and I can count the number of times she's orgasmed with me on one hand. It got to the point where I thought there was something wrong with me, even though she said it was the medication. I haven't had major issues with that with my previous relationships, and she said she still enjoys being with me very much etc (before the major issues popped up).

But she can orgasm by herself, in fact, she would pleasure herself with me out of the room before we had sex. Which REALLY bothers me, because I feel so disconnected from her and I feel like an afterthought. She says that the only way for her to orgasm is to think of really graphic sexual situations and that she can only do it herself because she is embarrassed about it. She certainly will not watch any pornography with me and with me in the room I am a distraction.

Anyways, it's really, really, frustrating because it is a complex multi part issue and I don't know where to start. plasmasunn , if it's not too personal, did you switch medication and the orgasm issue got better? I've heard welbutrin doesn't have that side effect?


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

kaldor said:


> Thanks for that plasmasunn (and everyone pitching in with advice). She is on Zoloft, and I can count the number of times she's orgasmed with me on one hand. It got to the point where I thought there was something wrong with me, even though she said it was the medication. I haven't had major issues with that with my previous relationships, and she said she still enjoys being with me very much etc (before the major issues popped up).
> 
> But she can orgasm by herself, in fact, she would pleasure herself with me out of the room before we had sex. Which REALLY bothers me, because I feel so disconnected from her and I feel like an afterthought. She says that the only way for her to orgasm is to think of really graphic sexual situations and that she can only do it herself because she is embarrassed about it. She certainly will not watch any pornography with me and with me in the room I am a distraction.
> 
> Anyways, it's really, really, frustrating because it is a complex multi part issue and I don't know where to start. plasmasunn , if it's not too personal, did you switch medication and the orgasm issue got better? I've heard welbutrin doesn't have that side effect?


OK, you brought up some interesting stuff here. Now, I stress, I cannot speak for your wife, I can only tell you what I've experienced. 
From this side of the fence, I totally understand her masturbating alone (and conversely, how much it bothers you!) When I was on Zoloft, I COULD orgasm...it just took oh, 30 minutes of really frustrating masturbation. THAT got embarassing to me...the fact that no matter how hard my husband would try, his hard work simply never paid off. Ugh, I hated it. 

You said you've had sex a handful of times in the past few years...do you know, does she masturbate now? I can also understand visualizing graphic scenarios...however, I don't understand not watching porn. That's like...ya know...way better than your imagination!

I will also say this...I totally, completely, absolutely understand your frustrations here. They are valid, they are tough and fixing them will be arduous. that said, I can also take a few guesses about how your wife is feeling: Already insecure cause meds are wrecking her sex life, probably feels bad cause she may already know deep down that you aren't fulfilled. I also know how hard it is to confront someone with depression (so does my husband!!!) and it IS very difficult to bring a problem to that person without them falling to pieces (I've done it myself.) Again..I would advise just having a heart to heart with her. It could very quickly dissolve into a knock-down-drag-out fight, but again...it's a start!

And I DID take Wellbutrin! You're correct...it is a lot better than those other meds I've mentioned. very little side effects, was able to function like a normal person! Sex drive/life remained steady, slept just fine, felt very balanced. Worked well for me.

you also say this is a multi-layered complex issue and you don't know where to start. Where do you think you SHOULD start the conversation? What's most important to you here? Just getting laid more? Or is there something deeper?


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## kaldor (Mar 27, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> OK, you brought up some interesting stuff here. Now, I stress, I cannot speak for your wife, I can only tell you what I've experienced.
> From this side of the fence, I totally understand her masturbating alone (and conversely, how much it bothers you!) When I was on Zoloft, I COULD orgasm...it just took oh, 30 minutes of really frustrating masturbation. THAT got embarassing to me...the fact that no matter how hard my husband would try, his hard work simply never paid off. Ugh, I hated it.
> 
> You said you've had sex a handful of times in the past few years...do you know, does she masturbate now? I can also understand visualizing graphic scenarios...however, I don't understand not watching porn. That's like...ya know...way better than your imagination!
> ...


Man your situation sounds exactly like mine lol! Honestly I don't know if she masturbates right now, I certainly haven't had any inkling that she is. But she does watch porn when she does, I know that for sure. It's just she doesn't like watching it with me because she's embarrassed.

Which is part of issue I guess. The first few years, we had wonderful sex. Different locations, different times, different positions, roleplaying, etc.. But over time, those things got eliminated to where in recent years, the only time she was willing to have sex was on Saturday or Sunday, during the daytime between lunch and dinner, and only in the bedroom, and only in certain positions. Oh, and she refuses to let me perform oral sex on her because she's embarassed now, when she wasn't in the past!

Her reasons range from being embarassed, to being too tired to have sex at night, to not being turned on enough to randomly start fooling around even, etc...

As far as what I want, I want to have great sex again lol! But not just to get laid, it's the connection and passion and fun I miss most. If I wanted to get laid, I can just masturbate (about all I have right now). I want the spark back, because right now we feel like good friends as far as sex goes. And honestly, I'm not 22 anymore, I don't need a ton of sex to be satisfied.

I've brought all this up with her, and you are spot on with how she feels. And right on about it causing fights. In fact she says that those fights have damaged our sex life and can't stop feeling pressured, which turns her off. So I end up trying to walk an impossible tight rope of not pressuring her, but not letting the situation go either.

It's frustrating too because I love her very much, and I know she's in a hard place with depression and all that, so I feel for her and don't want to hurt her. But I also feel that if I don't keep gently pushing on the issue, nothing will ever happen.

I think the best course of action is to continue working on myself as best I can. Workout, eat better, be patient (because I'm not to the point of leaving), etc... That's what I've been focusing on recently. Soon though, I think I should have another heart to heart, be supportive but firm in my needs, and mention the welbutrin thing too. And slowly start the path to healing our sex life.

But just knowing someone else has gone through the same situation as we have is comforting in a weird sort of way. Not that I would wish problems on anyone else, but at least I know I'm not crazy.

Anyways, thanks for helping and sharing plasmasunn, I really appreciate it!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What you describe is a LOT more common than you may think, and your wife probably feels like a broken reject able mess. Been there done that.
Plasmasunn has nailed it! Wellbutrin is an excellent antidepressant that allows a return to a functioning libido. But that is only a piece of this puzzle.

becoming a parent probably triggered a lot of childhood baggage and that has to be dealt with, and that takes time, work, brutal honesty, and buckets of tears!

Childbirth changes a woman's vagina and perineum. Did she rip or have an episiotomy? Either of those scenarios deaden nerves...something the OB's have blithely ignored for YEARS! Hormonal changes also trigger scent changes. Maybe you haven't noticed but I bet she has. These are intensely personal anxieties that women have a very hard time even talking to a doctor about. While I was experiencing them, I was completely unable to even articulate them they cause such anxiety. Of course that was before the Internet was in every home but if I had access, it might have helped me deal with things easier and faster.

You say she is embarrassed about her graphic sexual fantasies. That right there is a huge thing to know. At least she is willing to say that much! Thats something to build on! 

Being a parent of a busy toddler leaves very little room for self improvement. Learning to be both a mother and a sexual woman takes time. Mothers aren't supposed to be sexual. Mothers, good mothers, are supposed to be 100% caring and attentive to their children. A wife is also supposed to be somewhat on the chaste side too. It might help if she reminds herself what it felt like to be your girlfriend. A girlfriend is supposed to be hot, sexy and fun! See how the different roles directly conflict with one another? Women don't compartmentalizes as well as men. A father is still a sexual male, a husband is still a sexual male. 

So how do you approach all this with her?

Cuddle in bed with her. Tell her you're not looking for sex, just want to cuddle and talk. Reminisce about lazy Sunday afternoons together when things were good. Tell her how much you love her and how certain you are that in time, you two will get healthy and get your relationship back to being what you both hoped it would be like. Ask her if there are ways you can support her in her depression treatment.

Then do this again another day, repeating that you're not looking to initiate sex, just wanna hold her and help her feel loved. Then you say, "You mean everything in the world to me. I want us to have a great sex life again. I know what you've been going through has made this very hard to do, I'm still here, not going anywhere, cause I know in time we'll work through this.I want us to be completely open with each other. Sex is important to me, sex with YOU is important to me. I can be as patient as you need me to be. I just need you to know that I'm here, loving you and willing to help in anyway I can. I hope having a great sex life is important to you too."

From there you two can share your thoughts on what exactly a great sex life looks like. I suggest you try to get her to go first because of your ideas are too different, she may shut down as another indication of just how messed up she is.

From there you can slowly, over time, help her feel more comfortable sharing her fantasies. Maybe not all the details, maybe just what kinds of things turn her on. Does she have a kindle? See if she downloads erotic books or romances, those will tell you what her secret dirty thoughts are!

I sure wish Mr. Pink had sought out answers rather than shut down and disengage. I was on my own to get through so so much, but I am better then ever and down right dangerous now! :smthumbup:


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> What you describe is a LOT more common than you may think, and your wife probably feels like a broken reject able mess. Been there done that.
> Plasmasunn has nailed it! Wellbutrin is an excellent antidepressant that allows a return to a functioning libido. But that is only a piece of this puzzle.
> 
> becoming a parent probably triggered a lot of childhood baggage and that has to be dealt with, and that takes time, work, brutal honesty, and buckets of tears!
> ...


Well, that was the most perfect answer I've ever read on TAM. Well said!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> Well, that was the most perfect answer I've ever read on TAM. Well said!


Thank you! You made me feel good! Yeah us! LOL


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