# Question: Should a Wayward Have to Tell Their Adult Kids Everthing About Their A?



## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

OK, this is eating me alive!

I'd like to start a discussion on whether a BS should make a condition that their Wayward needs to come completely clean about an A to their adult children, WITH the BS in the room when they do it.

*Yes? - No? and Why?*

Come on people, please weigh in, I really need this one right now. :scratchhead:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes on that there was an affair and how it developed so that they can learn about the warning signs.

No on the extreme details.

Why? Regardless of the size of the pile, a turd smells like a turd.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

In my opinion definitely NOT, for a few reasons:

No matter what happened between a husband and wife, the parent is still the parent to these children, and that relationship does not need to be compromised to make the spouse who was cheated on feel better. I don't feel the affair changes the feelings of the parent for the children, so why drag them into the middle of the mess. Details are not required.

The other reason is that often spouses reconcile, and at that point the betrayed spouse would forgive the betrayer, but there's a good chance that the child(ren) might not be able to. At that point the relationship could continue to suffer even after the H and W were ready to put the affair behind them. No need for that.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

I'm with ImAllIn.
The kids in this hypothetical (?) are adults, and therefore not impacted by the infidelity the way a minor child would be.
Also, they were not betrayed. With minor children, one could make the case that infidelity to a spouse is infidelity to the family as a whole because it jeopardizes the child's environment and security. Presumably as adults, their well-being is not dependent upon the relationship between their parents.
There seems to be little gained (unless the BS is into humiliation for humiliation's sake) and lots to be lost by doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Good point. It depends on the ages of the children.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

My brainiac WW has exposed my daughter to two affairs I'm going to discuss that with my attorney which should make cheating revelavant in custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I think it also depends on whether the children are taking sides against the cheated upon parent. If the kids blame dad for leaving mom, she needs to tell them that she cheated. It is not reasonable for the cheating spouse to remain silent if any reconcillation is to happen.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It has to depend on the situation.

We have three kids who are now 17.8, 20 and 22. When I kicked hubby out they were barely 16, 18.5 and 20.4 and all living at home. I didn't tell them anything other than we had a huge fight and he was moving out. The middle guy actually guessed what was going on. The older one snooped and found emails telling him what happened, and the youngest, our girl, became bulimic at about that time - whether the infidelity had anything to do with that we'll never know. The state our marriage was in probably did. But who really knows.

Anyway, to this day I don't know what exactly she knows about why we broke up. She's been in counseling for a while now, almost a year, and is in a much better place than she was previously. Even though he's her stepfather and she doesn't call him dad, he's been around since she was 2.

Hubby is a sex addict and attends a 12 step group and is working on the 12 steps, one of which is something about apologizing to those he hurt. He tells me that when he works around to that step he may decide to apologize to the kids. In my opinion he _should_ apologize to them. We'll see what happens I guess.

As for having a big discussion at the time and sitting down and telling them all what he did - I do not think they needed to know any more at the time than we had a big problem. They didn't need to know specifics then and they don't now, not even that it was specifically involving infidelity. I won't lie to them, but I"m not going to just come out and tell them either. I'll do the same thing I have since they were little: answer their questions as they come up in an age appropriate manner.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Good points all!

But let me throw another situation out there that may, or may not have a profound effect on this discussion. I think we can all agree that no two marriages are alike, just like no two humans are completely alike. Even identical twins have some unique characteristics all their own.

So just for the sake of argument, lets say that a BS (man or women, doesn't matter) travels extensively for a living and his/her partner works close to home. Lets say the BS is gone 80 to 85% of the time. The WW or WH has an affair, is exposed and the marriage immediately begins to crumble. All the standard tension, bickering etc...etc... The adult kids see this and begin to blame the BS, because in their minds, the BS HAS to be the problem due to never being home. The BS is now taking unbelievable abuse from two directions. Not only is the BS suffering because of what we all know infidelity brings on, but also being unfairly labeled by his/her own kids as the cause of all mom & dads problems.

Putting yourself in this hypothetical BS's shoes, does anyone here really think they could withstand the onslaught without demanding the WW or WH come clean to the adult kids?

Thoughts please?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would say no.

A "husband and wife" are different than "mom and dad".

The relationship with the children is not based on what goes on between the husband and wife, especially if they are grown. 

I wouldn't discuss many things with my grown children. Money problems, marital problems, etc. It's not their business and I'm not sure they want to know.

My mother and her father had an effed up relationship. He was, however, a good grandfather. While I know bits and pieces of their crappy relationship, I would not want to know all. Why? because that was between he and she. Not me.

Your children are grown. Maybe let them know if they have questions, then they can ask...but...to air it in public like that is embarrassing for everyone. You, he and the kids. They know he had an affair...I'm sure they can connect the dots on what that means.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> Good points all!
> 
> But let me throw another situation out there that may, or may not have a profound effect on this discussion. I think we can all agree that no two marriages are alike, just like no two humans are completely alike. Even identical twins have some unique characteristics all their own.
> 
> ...


In this situation, you have to be firm with your children. Say the facts and tell them it's really not their business. They blame you because they were with you most, it seems. Dad was the 'fun guy' or at the least, the guy they idolized because he was only there 20% of the time.

Are your children married? That might better help them understand that marriage is work.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Depends on the age. If they're adults, they have every right to know what's going on within the family circle.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

I chose to _not_ tell my boys what their mom did.

From the day I told her the marriage was done, she's painted me as the bad guy with our sons. 

Really, whatever.

I have a strong relationship with both of my boys. She can't take that away, no matter how hard she tries. They know exactly who I am, and they know exactly who she is.

More importantly to the OP, I didn't want to take their mom from them (by making them resent her for the affair). It wasn't about her, it was about them.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> Depends on the age. If they're adults, they have every right to know what's going on within the family circle.


No they don't. People love to invent all sorts of rights that don't exist, but this is a new one ... children having a "right" to know their parents' business.
From where is this right borne? How far does it extend? And does it work both ways? Does a parent have a right to the details of an adult child's love life? Does a brother have a "right" to know about his sister's marriage?
There's no such right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Honestly, what would be the point of telling children about an affair? I wouldn't discuss my financial problems with my adult children either. My ex husband and I didn't go into why we divorced either, other than the basic "we don't love each other, but we both LOVE you guys" even though there was no infidelity on either part, I wouldn't of said "your dad is a cheating bastard, I hope you hate him for what he's done" or whatever.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> No they don't. People love to invent all sorts of rights that don't exist, but this is a new one ... children having a "right" to know their parents' business.
> From where is this right borne? How far does it extend? And does it work both ways? Does a parent have a right to the details of an adult child's love life? Does a brother have a "right" to know about his sister's marriage?
> There's no such right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For sure!

Adult children are still your children. NOT privy to the inside details of your marriage. You married your spouse, not your children. Their view of you and your spouse is COMPLETELY different than the reality you know intimately.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> No they don't. People love to invent all sorts of rights that don't exist, but this is a new one ... children having a "right" to know their parents' business.


These are adults we're talking about here.

If you've read *Mahike*'s thread, his kids are worried about what is wrong with him... why he's so depressed and all. You don't think they would like to know what's troubling him. 

Another point you _tried_ to make was about getting invilved in you childs love life, or that of your family members. If you see that they're in some kind of mental anguish or something, wouldn't you like to know what is troubling them. Wouldn't you like to be there for them in their hour of need. After all, THEY ARE FAMILY. You need to look at the bigger picture here. Its not about protecting their well-being; its about including them in the healing process.

I said adults.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> In this situation, you have to be....


Geez, you do understand that this was a hypothetical situation? This was not about me or anyone else in general. It was just to throw another wrinkle into the mix for discussion. :scratchhead:


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> These are adults we're talking about here.
> 
> If you've read *Mahike*'s thread, his kids are worried about what is wrong with him... why he's so depressed and all. You don't think they would like to know what's troubling him.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Well said Just.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm of a different breed according to this thread. I hate it when people say infidelity is only the parents business. Anything that affects the whole family is family business. As parents, we also have an obligation to teach kids right and wrong no matter the age. I'm not one to hide something because it makes someone else look bad. The truth is the truth and, as they say, sometimes the truth hurts.

I believe in telling the truth no matter what. It has nothing to do with wanting to hurt the other spouses relationship with the kids. It has nothing to do with being vindictive or hateful. It has everything with the truth. I believe they should know. How else can they learn the devastation infidelity causes if they don't know what it did to their family? So do you just sweep things under the rug and pretend you just fell out of love with each
other or make it clear it was a unilateral decision for the family made by one? 

For those who say it would be damaging if a reconciliation were to happen, I see it differently. I teach my daughter that we all make mistakes but we can fix and learn from our mistakes. I believe a child, young or old, would have more respect for a cheating parent when they try to work thought the past and move forward. I believe they will respect them more if reconciliation happens because they are working to fix their mistake. I guess it all depends on what you teach your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> *Anything that affects the whole family is family business.* As parents, we also have an obligation to teach kids right and wrong no matter the age. I'm not one to hide something because it makes someone else look bad. The truth is the truth and, as they say, sometimes the truth hurts.


Exactly the point I was trying to make *mark*. You deal with FAMILY issues on a united front... as a FAMILY. This has nothing to do with "_keeping them safe_." This is about including them in family adversity, confronting these issues together, and conquering them as a family unit.

Again, these are adults we're talking about here.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

that_girl said:


> For sure!
> 
> Adult children are still your children. NOT privy to the inside details of your marriage. You married your spouse, not your children. Their view of you and your spouse is COMPLETELY different than the reality you know intimately.


So you're saying that adult children should be lied to just like a wayward lies to a BS!? And don't tell me to just say "it's none of your business" if they ask (and they will) what's wrong with mom & dad? That's still lying!

Adult children have as much right to know about an A as the BS did before d-day. They are immediate family members, many times in the home on a constant basis. Is it really fair to make them wonder what is really going on? Parents hiding the truth from their adult children shows they take a dim view of their capability to understand complex situations. How long can we as parents continue to protect them from the truth? I don't think this is being kind. I think it's disrespecting them and their ability to comprehend real life. I want that capability for my kids. It only makes them stronger.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kids will get a whiff of what is going on. They will be better served knowing the basic facts. They don't need to know many details, but if the OM/OW is someone they know I would tell them who it was. 

My kids are high school and college. They know my wife and I are working on our marriage. I've told them it isn't a secret, and they are free to ask me any questions or to come to me with any concerns they have. This mess involves them directly, too!

If it comes to divorce, kids will let their imagination run wild. I think it is better if they have a basic understanding of the reality.

But it is also important for both parents to emphasize to the kids that the marital relationship is distinct from the parent relationship. Both parents still love the kids. The kids should continue to have a good relationship with both parents despite whatever marital problems exist.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I definitely think they should be told, after all they are adult children, and as long as it isn't done out of malice towards the DS. My rationale is as follows, as Mark said in his post, how else are they going to know the devastation infidelity can cause? Plus there is a good chance that they are going to hear about the cause of the divorce, unless there is some major rug sweeping going on. Even then there will more than likely be gossip. 

Rather than ask if they should be told, why not ask why they shouldn't be told? What are they going to gain from being kept in the dark? Is it to protect the DS's image, isn't that kind of hypocritical, especially if the LS was the one to file for divorce, they may be the one to be seen as the bad guy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> So you're saying that adult children should be lied to just like a wayward lies to a BS!? And don't tell me to just say "it's none of your business" if they ask (and they will) what's wrong with mom & dad? That's still lying!
> 
> Adult children have as much right to know about an A as the BS did before d-day. They are immediate family members, many times in the home on a constant basis. Is it really fair to make them wonder what is really going on? Parents hiding the truth from their adult children shows they take a dim view of their capability to understand complex situations. How long can we as parents continue to protect them from the truth? I don't think this is being kind. I think it's disrespecting them and their ability to comprehend real life. I want that capability for my kids. It only makes them stronger.


Oh, the whole thing is hypothetical. lol My bad. Long day.

I still don't it's necessary unless they ask.

It also depends on the age.

I never cared why my parents divorced. I was just happy they did.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

In an ideal situation, it would be better to keep such indescretion between the spouses, and keep the children from losing respect for their parents.

However, if WS refuses to end his/her A, then it would be unavoidable or even recommendable to inform the children age-appropriately. This is about choosing the lesser of two evils as in saving the parents' marriage vs. saving the respect as parents.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell them so they know what type of charachter the cheater is.

scarlet letter type of thing.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I say tell 'em. My sisters, brother, & I were young when our parents divorced, but even as we got older, we were never told ANYthing about the reasons behind it, even if we asked. We were only told it was between them or they grew apart, etc., etc. 

Kids, especially adult ones, know when there's more to it. All four of us ended up w/some pretty heavy emotional/mental baggage. Even worse, none of us talked w/each other (or anybody else) about what it did to us b/c we had learned that you keep that kind of thing to yourself.

Only very recently has my mom finally told us, & we talk to each other about it. I don't fault my mom for not telling us for so long. I know she was just trying to protect her children's image of their father, but it would have definitely been better if we had been told. The kids don't need the sordid details, but they're not stupid. They watch their parents; they know their parents; they're always learning about life (good & bad lessons) from their parents.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think that if they are adult children, they have every right to know what has destroyed their family. If you don't tell them, what ends up happening is that they come up with their own conclusions, and become very confused. An affair affects the WHOLE family, not just the marriage partners. 

It's important for the BS to sit down and explain the situation minus the gory details. It's even more important for the WS to sit down and apologize to them for disrespecting their mother/father, and them as well. And it'll be up to them how they digest the information. I guess i was lucky that I had a great relationship with my oldest son (21), and have always had a great bond, strong enough to deal with many tragedies in our life. When I told him I was sorry, I broke down, and when he told me to "don't worry,it' ok" I told him "no it's not ok, I need to tell you this, I need to tell you that I was not a good mother to do this to you". 

The choice is always yours, just my perspective.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> OK, this is eating me alive!
> 
> I'd like to start a discussion on whether a BS should make a condition that their Wayward needs to come completely clean about an A to their adult children, WITH the BS in the room when they do it.
> 
> ...


x-BS here. No there should be no condition that they tell the kids. If the kids are adults, they will ask. And if asked, then yes, the truth should come out. And I mean the truth. Not this your mother and I decided we don't belong together crap. If one cheated, then spill it.

As an x-BS, I'm not going to tell my kids. But if they get older and ask, I'm telling them the truth about their mother.


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