# I was TOTALLY ****ing fitnessed tested



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

I told my husband severa times to go to the dr because he snores and stops breathing. After a particuarly loud night for him and sleepless night for me, I demanded he go an made him promise. He got very salty with me, snapped at me, and told me i was being pushy. okay. but i made him promise anyway.

That was weeks ago. We get to this week and we are going for cofee. He isnt having any and he has it every morning. So I ask whats up and he says hes not having coffee. When i ask why he says its chest pains. I ask him why the coffee. He said he went to the dr and the dr told him it was stress and to stop with the coffee.

Why didnt you tell me I say. Why didnt you ask me about it after you made such a big deal he says.

ME::scratchhead:WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFff. Why:scratchhead: would i ask if he practically bit my head off when i insisted. I figured he would take care of it...or not...I did my part. Then he *****e at me because i didnt make the appointment. ****ING SIGH. I apologized it was an over site.

this dude is driving me ****ing nutts


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

That's not a fitness test.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

coops said:


> That's not a fitness test.


its not? he wanted me to respond one way and when i didnt he got mad. Thought that was a **** test.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Maybe a test in the sense that he expected you to make the appt since you had pushed the issue, then got mad at you after you didn't?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Maybe a test in the sense that he expected you to make the appt since you had pushed the issue, then got mad at you after you didn't?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



he was mad i didnt ask about it again as well after he took my head off the first time. Like i said, my understanding of **** test, was when you set someone up with your own expectations then get mad when they dont meet them.

It if wasnt a **** test, then he was just being an *******!!


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

You won't like what I have to say... I'm only responding cause you're in the men's clubhouse. 

This is not a fitness test, I'll explain what a fitness test is later for you. This is a husband that's been nagged by his wife and is (knowing or unknowingly) acting passive aggressive in response. 

By your words, you basically nagged and annoyed the crap out of your husband, treating him like a child until he submitted to your demand. We could discuss why you did what you did but the why does not matter, HOW you went about it is the only thing in play. 

He was passive aggressive in response to your behavior by not further submitting to you and reporting like a subordinate. It was a way of maintaining 'face' and exerting control after your overt annoying demand. 


Now... to discuss the fitness test. 

The idea of the fitness test relates to female behavior. Males with normally balanced hormones do not fitness test females. Unless looking you up and down and judging if your butt is sagging counts as a fitness test.

Females do it mostly unknowingly because the things they are biologically attracted to are not easily visible. You cannot simply tell the strength of character, his level of confidence, etc, by the way a man dresses. Therefore fitness testing is a biologically ingrained behavior in females to weed out and find the strongest mate. 

Men being inherently logical, cannot understand the seemingly "illogical" behaviors of women. Since most men are confused by the "Mysterious" behavior of women, "fitness test" or "**** test" was a concept used to explain to these men why women do what they do AND how their behavior is actually very easy to explain logically once you understand the concept. 

This is a mistaken use of that concept. 

Your husband was just annoyed by your actions. I would be too if you need a vote on the matter.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

I hear ya coop. About the nagging. Yes i did nag him. The first few times i told him to go to the doctor he didnt go. He stops breathing in his sleep. So yeah I nagged. His response was definately passive aggressive.

So you dont believe men fitness test women? Ever? ever? ever?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I believe they do, just in different ways.

Consciously or sub-consciously, I believe fitness testing of both spouses occurs, tit for tat.

Might be a different name for when a man does it (being an a**hole), but it definitely happens!


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Coop.

other than nagging, what woud you have suggested to get him to go to the doctor if not bullying him into it? Should i have said nothing after the first time and continued to listen to him snore himself to death because he stopped breathing. You are at risk for a heart attack and a stroke when that happens, maybe you dont know that.

For something so very important i laid it on pretty thick. and if i had to do it all over again i would in a heart beat. his life and health is worth soome nagging in my opinion


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

janesmith said:


> Coop.
> 
> other than nagging, what woud you have suggested to get him to go to the doctor if not bullying him into it? Should i have said nothing after the first time and continued to listen to him snore himself to death because he stopped breathing. You are at risk for a heart attack and a stroke when that happens, maybe you dont know that.
> 
> For something so very important i laid it on pretty thick. and if i had to do it all over again i would in a heart beat. his life and health is worth soome nagging in my opinion


Maybe you had to do it that way. I don't know the dynamic of that relationship. However, I do know that males respond negatively to nagging regardless if its in his best interest or not! Sometimes I have to deal with my wife in a way that upsets her. Sometimes I have to put my foot down on an issue that leaves her upset at me. The point of my post wasn't to say "You're a horrible person for acting that way", the point was to say "Don't be surprised if you act that way and your husband responds negatively cause he doesn't like it". This is why I said The why you did what you did doesn't matter, only how you did it does.

As for the fitness testing. You've got to understand, its an attraction based concept. It is literally "Are you fit to be my mate?" testing. Males do not test in this way. Males do not get raised or lowered attraction based on the response to a question or situation. I mean it when I say most girls do it without knowing they're doing it. 99/100 times you fit test your man you won't even know you're doing it. All you'll know is raised or lowered attraction.

If a male is "being an *******" and you somehow think this is a fitness test, you're wrong. He either is an ******* by nature or hes just annoyed at you. It is not a test of your fitness as a mate.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

*sigh* hes not an ******* in general. I didnt expect him to report to me like a subordinate. He goes to my dr's appointments we me and I usually go with him. We usually know everything there is to know about each others health. The fact he didnt talk to me about his visit isnt normal for us. 

I felt like i failed a test because i didnt ask him about the visit (and he expected me too) that i didnt know had occured. So I guess i got that part wrong. But then again i usually get it wrong when it comes to him so im not surprised

thanks for responding coop


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's not a fitness test. The definition of a fitness test is one of female testing of a male seeking to evoke a dominant response from him. 

You nagging was not a fitness test on him because sleep apnea is a very serious medical condition and going to a doctor is a perfectly reasonable request. Plus he is disturbing your sleep which is offensive too. You aren't really seeking advantage over him by getting him to the doctor.

He's just being passive aggressive about the having to go to the doctor and seeking to punish you for nagging him there. Tell him so.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

coops said:


> You won't like what I have to say... I'm only responding cause you're in the men's clubhouse.
> 
> This is not a fitness test, I'll explain what a fitness test is later for you. This is a husband that's been nagged by his wife and is (knowing or unknowingly) acting passive aggressive in response.
> 
> ...


If her husband is NOT breathing shouldn't she say something to him....AND continue saying something to him until he sees somebody....Or should she just up his insurance and hope for the best?!?!? Not sure how trying to make (YES MAKE) her husband go see a Dr. is bad. Moreover after "nagging" him to go, you would think that he would say something.

Jane: it sounds like he was just upset that you were right, that he did need to see a dr. and didn't want you know! It was good that you "nagged him" so now he can get better. Coop is right not exactly fitness fighting...maybe more right fighting... either way tomato...tomato!!! 
Hope he is doing better....think that that should be the bottom line.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

janesmith said:


> *sigh* hes not an ******* in general. I didnt expect him to report to me like a subordinate. He goes to my dr's appointments we me and I usually go with him. We usually know everything there is to know about each others health. The fact he didnt talk to me about his visit isnt normal for us.
> 
> I felt like i failed a test because i didnt ask him about the visit (and he expected me too) that i didnt know had occured. So I guess i got that part wrong. But then again i usually get it wrong when it comes to him so im not surprised
> 
> thanks for responding coop


Jane IMO, you are not a mind reader!! If he didn't bring it up then it is very reasonable to believe he hasn't gone. Not sure why he would be trying to make you feel guilty...In fact I would think that if he didn't bring it up it would be "nagging" for you ask did you go yet..did you go... until he goes?!?:scratchhead: It is normal to wait to hear from a grown-up ...especially if something was wrong. So don't feel bad for him withholding from you?!?!? Don't know maybe it's a male thing and better answered by a male.:scratchhead:


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

Read closely.

I didn't say she shouldn't do what is necessary for her husband. You need to learn to differentiate between why she did it and how she did it, cause it matters. You're dealing with human nature.

I was pointing out she shouldn't come on the forums shocked and surprised that her husband didn't like it and acted out. Why he acted the way he did wasn't a fitness test, it was natural annoyance and passive aggressiveness at being nagged. 

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet to do what is right.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

janesmith said:


> I hear ya coop. About the nagging. Yes i did nag him. The first few times i told him to go to the doctor he didnt go.


In my opinion, you don't have the right to tell HIM to do a darned thing. You control how YOUR respond. Do you have a spare bed? Or a couch? Make sure it is made up nice and neat. Say well I have been sleeping very poorly due to your snoring. I am going to be sleeping here now. Let me know if you decide to see a doctor to hopefully resolve this problem. I sure do prefer to sleep with you!

You have set an effective limit. It is a personal boundary of mine that I need sleep. This is an obstacle to sleep. I shall solve the problem and get my sleep. Want me in your bed? Help me solve the problem.

No resentment build up. No nagging. No trying to control his behavior. Not ideal. But better than causing marital problems.




> He stops breathing in his sleep. So yeah I nagged. His response was definately passive aggressive.
> 
> So you dont believe men fitness test women? Ever? ever? ever?


For my part, now that I understand what the fitness test it, it is just another load of male/female stereotypical bs. The whole fitness test concept.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I believe they do, just in different ways.
> 
> Consciously or sub-consciously, I believe fitness testing of both spouses occurs, tit for tat.


I think that "fitness test" is another on of those terms like "nice guy". The meaning, the specificity that is intended that women are trying to find "dominant male" is different than just maladaptive communication patterns what I think of tit for tat.

What I think of when I read your sentence above is more like testing if the maladaptive pattern is still in place and reacting negatively when we find it is. 

Reacting in a passive aggressive manner to nagging is not a fitness test, it is the reaction to learning that the maladaptive pattern is still in place.

But the term "fitness test" means something quite specific relating to male/female biological differences. I think I understand the meaning even if I think it is a load of hooey. Would like to be corrected if I have it wrong.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> What I think of when I read your sentence above is more like testing if the maladaptive pattern is still in place and reacting negatively when we find it is.


this is the kind of test I do to my relationship...notice I say "my relationship" and not just "my husband," because we BOTH keep "failing" and we both keep doing our part of a maladaptive communication pattern.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> In my opinion, you don't have the right to tell HIM to do a darned thing. You control how YOUR respond. Do you have a spare bed? Or a couch? Make sure it is made up nice and neat. Say well I have been sleeping very poorly due to your snoring. I am going to be sleeping here now. Let me know if you decide to see a doctor to hopefully resolve this problem. I sure do prefer to sleep with you!
> 
> You have set an effective limit. It is a personal boundary of mine that I need sleep. This is an obstacle to sleep. I shall solve the problem and get my sleep. Want me in your bed? Help me solve the problem.
> 
> ...


I am confused? I don't see ANY problem what so ever for making sure your spouse is healthy? He stops breathing!! shouldn't she want to make sure he keeps breathing? I don't understand what she did wrong? When I was diagnosed with MS my husband "nagged me to take pt and to get books on how to manage it. He did so until I did...In fact he took me to get the books. I found it comforting that he cared so much to do that... not resenting him for taking action. So that is why I don't understand what is soo wrong with her trying to get him to take action and expecting him let her know when he did?:scratchhead:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

2sick said:


> I am confused? I don't see ANY problem what so ever for making sure your spouse is healthy? He stops breathing!! shouldn't she want to make sure he keeps breathing? I don't understand what she did wrong? When I was diagnosed with MS my husband "nagged me to take pt and to get books on how to manage it. He did so until I did...In fact he took me to get the books. I found it comforting that he cared so much to do that... not resenting him for taking action. So that is why I don't understand what is soo wrong with her trying to get him to take action and expecting him let her know when he did?:scratchhead:


Her husband apparently didn't. It is pretty hard to convince someone who has had sleep apnea their entire life that they health is at risk.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Her husband apparently didn't. It is pretty hard to convince someone who has had sleep apnea their entire life that they health is at risk.


Ima have to disagree with you VTSM and thats okay. He hasnt had sleep apnea his whole life. This has been an issue for at least.the.last.three.years. This is not about my sleep this is about him dying in his. I have every right to push him, we have four children and more to think about than his getting a stick up his ass because i "nagged" him. HE has more to think about. So i used whatever influence I had to get him to the doctor. He is 42 years old and hasnt had a physical in two years. That means his prostate hasnt been checked, his heart, (his mother died last year of cardio myopothy (sp), his cholesteral, nothing.

So ima ask you politely to watch your tone. This is my husbands life. Thank you


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

Beyond the whole how and why discussion I found something a little curious regarding the Dr. visit. While I am not a doctor or a medical professional of any kind, I have had the same issue of loud snoring and stopping breathing during my sleep. That is sleep apnea and is usually checked by a sleep study. My doctor never once referred to stress as a possible cause.

You mentioned that you and your husband typically go together to Dr.s visits. This time he went alone and didn't tell you anything until you noticed he wasn't having a coffee and asked him about it. Just sounds a little fishy. Almost like he made something up on the spot to get you off his back. 

I would suggest a different approach. Instead of nagging which truly can drive some guys to dig in their feet and get stubborn even at their own expense (I'm very guilty of this too), try talking to him about why you're worried. Let him know that you are scared and getting help would be very reassuring to you. A few tears here and there would be pretty effective I bet. If he's getting help because it's for you then he can be the "knight in shining armor" taking one for the woman he loves rather that the guy being nagged and brow beaten into something.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

janesmith said:


> Ima have to disagree with you VTSM and thats okay. He hasnt had sleep apnea his whole life. This has been an issue for at least.the.last.three.years. This is not about my sleep this is about him dying in his. I have every right to push him, we have four children and more to think about than his getting a stick up his ass because i "nagged" him. HE has more to think about. So i used whatever influence I had to get him to the doctor. He is 42 years old and hasnt had a physical in two years. That means his prostate hasnt been checked, his heart, (his mother died last year of cardio myopothy (sp), his cholesteral, nothing.
> 
> So ima ask you politely to watch your tone. This is my husbands life. Thank you


 Either way honey, if you nag someone to pieces, you are not going to get a friendly response. I do agree with the poster above about stating WHY its so important to you and helping him see the full scope of what this could mean for his family, but I don't ever agree with nagging. Its the most unproductive way to get things done with a lot of people, myself included LOL.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

janesmith said:


> Ima have to disagree with you VTSM and thats okay. He hasnt had sleep apnea his whole life.


It doesn't matter. That was a parenthetical. There are effective ways to influence behavior. Then there are ineffective ways that engender resentment. 

There is a fact that many married people do not want to accept. Regardless of your motives, reasons, thoughts, feelings...

You can only change your own behavior. You cannot

get
tell
make

someone else do ANYTHING. And when you try, 9 times out of 10 what you get is resentment and bad feelings. You CAN look for ways to change your behavior in the hopes of setting a personal boundary (say protecting your sleep which is what the original point supposedly was) and/or engendering a more cooperative attitude between the two people involved.



> This has been an issue for at least.the.last.three.years. This is not about my sleep this is about him dying in his.


That is not what I recall you saying in your OP. I will go back and re-read as I have been known to skim over points. 



> I have every right to push him, we have four children and more to think about than his getting a stick up his ass because i "nagged" him.


Yah continue down that road. See yah back here in the getting a divorce section in a couple of years.

I don't say that to be mean. But you are stuck in a MASSIVE right fight. And you sure do not want to get out. Good luck with that!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

janesmith said:


> So ima ask you politely to watch your tone. This is my husbands life. Thank you


Didn't see that bit! May I suggest that you may be being really defensive here? You may not like my message, but I am, after all trying to help you. If you only want to hear, yes, dear you poor thing, I suggest you block me.

Cheers.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

So you know, I was not even away that my tone could be interpreted as offensive or accusatory or any such thing. I have been exactly where you are. We get so stuck in our own PoV. But that just does not WORK. We can either fix the problem or be "right". Most times we can't have both.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No man likes to be pestered to do something, and especially about going to the doctor.

It just doesn't work. In fact, it can make a guy rather die than go.

Not calling it a rational response, but there it is.


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## naturalist (Feb 10, 2011)

To start, I agree with Coop's response. But you ask: 


janesmith said:


> other than nagging, what woud you have suggested to get him to go to the doctor if not bullying him into it? Should i have said nothing after the first time and continued to listen to him snore himself to death because he stopped breathing. You are at risk for a heart attack and a stroke when that happens, maybe you dont know that.
> 
> For something so very important i laid it on pretty thick. and if i had to do it all over again i would in a heart beat. his life and health is worth soome nagging in my opinion


And, I would suggest instead of nagging, "go to the doc, why won't you go, you need to go...etc." Try reframing your own post above: "I am concerned about your health, and snoring and sleep apnea can be indicators of something more serious. You mean too much to me to lose, this is why its important for us to go see a doctor." 

Tap into the core of your feelings about the issue, and share them. It's not that you "want" your husband to see a doctor--its that you're concerned about him and his health. I'm sure the response will be more understanding, if still slightly annoyed. 

FINALLY: vthomeschoolmom is so off key. Please avoid this dangerous advice, it is just more passive-aggression. It does not address your core feelings (his health and his importance in your life), but uses manipulation to get a desired response. This is a veiled attempt at 'getting/telling/making' someone do something in a deceptive way.

"In my opinion, you don't have the right to tell HIM to do a darned thing. You control how YOUR respond. Do you have a spare bed? Or a couch? Make sure it is made up nice and neat. Say well I have been sleeping very poorly due to your snoring. I am going to be sleeping here now. Let me know if you decide to see a doctor to hopefully resolve this problem. I sure do prefer to sleep with you!

You have set an effective limit. It is a personal boundary of mine that I need sleep. This is an obstacle to sleep. I shall solve the problem and get my sleep. Want me in your bed? Help me solve the problem.

No resentment build up. No nagging. No trying to control his behavior. Not ideal. But better than causing marital problems."

Oh, its so wrong its even hard to see it quoted in my own post!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

My OH snores & has occasional sleep apnoea which he & I both know is due to overweight; up to him to do something about it, I've mentioned it a number of times
But this whole thread makes me wonder if people's definition of nagging is hugely subjective - one person's single comment could be another one's major nagfest (think I'll start a thread to ask!)

Explaining about an alternative sleeping arrangement doesn't seem such a bad idea, in fact it's one my OH has suggested: though he also wants me to wake him to let him know I've shifted so he can take up the spare space!!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mad,

This is discussed at our home all the time.

One of the great benefits of individual therapy is that it "shrinks" your zone of sensitivity. As you become more secure, you find life much less offensive.

What may have seemed like nagging before becomes an opportunity for humor. Fitness tests (when they pop up on rare occasion) are an opportunity for support and to show masculine mettle.

Shrinking the zone of sensitivity is a tremendously healthy exercise.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Of course apnea can kill him in extreme cases. He might want to get that checked out, if only for that reason.


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