# What made you feel stupid?



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

This is kind of a vent thread... not my usual style, but everyone gets pissed, right?

Even though we are doing ok, I still have a lot of days where I am reminded of the things that went on durring the first weeks of D-Day.

I got past the EA, the pictures.. the texts and emails after about a year, but what sticks with me the most.. the hardest thing that i have to dal with even to this day is the way she made me look stupid. That is what kills me...

So my question is, what is it that he or she did to make you feel really dumb??

Mine is this:

The EA was over the net.. so even though I knew this person, they were 2000 miles away. Anyways, his wife suspected HIM of cheating with someone (Neither of us knew it was my wife) and I actually called her on the phone and spent an hour calming her down trying to convince her that he wasnt cheating with anyone. I did all this, with my wife sitting right next to me. Of course later i found it was my wife.

Now that makes me feel stupid. Those are the things that keep poking at me over the years. 

Anyone care to share, or get something off your chest? Anyone else deal with something like that, or am i the only one?


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## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

That OW was my facebook friend and read all my lovey notes to my husband and pictures I share of us and our children. 

That I find out that I've been working my a** off upstairs in my office to make a measly paycheck but keep my benefits because he has a heart condition while he looks at porn. 

That for years I've been at the other end of his delayed ejaculation feeling like I was doing something wrong and I was the reason he couldn't get satisfied when it was probably the said porn all along. 

That at around 1:30 a.m. at the dance club I was talking to a friends mother who was bragging on him and what a wonderful guy he was and how much he loves me and how much he talks about me all the time and the kids, and I agreed, all the while he was in my truck with OW. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm guessing whose feeling stupid now while he begs for his life back though staying wherever anybody will take him while his wife and kids are at home, seemingly doing okay without him. Guessing the porn and the OW have not that much to offer anymore.


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## snowy13 (Jan 9, 2011)

I know just what you mean. My H had been talking to a past classmate who lived a few hours away - it bothered me and became more and more consistent, but I convinced myself it was nothing. She lived far away, what could happen? She would even say things to him about the two of us coming to visit, we would have a great time... I should have gone with my gut. They ended up having a one night stand while she was in town visiting family. Now I question everything all the time - not a great feeling.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

This is more so with me...I guess I am working on this right now but what made me feel ahhhhhhhhhhh is the feeling of being ashamed or embarassed like I have to hide something. I did nothing wrong but I think the feeling over failure in a marriage and going over things over and over in your mind. Then saying it out loud is reality this is happening...happening to me..I think did I miss the memo or somethig what the heck happened? He still does not have a valid reason said I did nothing wrong he just has issues he has to work out and does not know why he sabotaged our marriage by doing this etc...

My H did this more than once so we have decided to divorce. Although the process is not easy at all because of the years together and the logistics you have to work.

What made me feel crazy was trusting and working through the first one for this to be put back in my face and questioning myself which impacted my self-esteem (as a woman & wife) trying to figure out things that did not feel right but he consistently was like we are fine will be okay etc... I can only be responsible for me and work on things I know about.

The bad thing is family members have taken this really hard...they said its a lost for everyone. Then that pisses me off when I think about how people can be so selfish in their acts and the heck with everyone else. Life lessons can be hard but I know in time I will grow from this.


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## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

That my H and neice were having an affair while she lived with us.

That they would be messaging each other when i would be in the room.

That they would talk about me in texts

And that they lied to my face & made me feel parinoid as i knew sumthing was going on but she would say that I was sick as she knew my H since she was a little girl


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

When we had a tlak about her wanting a divorce. After about 4-6 hours of talking (and me asking several times if she had cheated), and for the last month asking my best friend/roommate if she was cheating and to help me what was wrong or what I could do to make things better to find out he was the ******* she ****ed around with, that everyone else in the building knew, and AFTER we decided to work things out we went out on a date, got home had killer sex just to have her 2 days later sext the ****er! ARGH

A side Rant about last night-She was super depressed all day (she has depression) feeling crazy low, guilty, etc, etc... So my mother took the kids, she got really sexy dressed up we went to dinner and all night she teased me about sex, rubbed against my crotch, metaphors, etc, etc..... got some liquor she likes, got home....She has a headache and passed out on the couch....**** is my self esteem down the tubes right now....a "headache". never stopped us before.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

lost.com said:


> That my H and neice were having an affair while she lived with us.
> 
> That they would be messaging each other when i would be in the room.
> 
> ...


You aren't on gymboplace.com message board are you? Because there was this really sweet girl there with the exact same story! PM me if so.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

The last EA, I felt stupid because I never suspected anything. I trusted him too much. I just felt like a huge idiot.

This time, while I don't have solid proof there are too many red flags to ignore. I feel dumb for believing him for as long as I have. She lives across the country, in his hometown where his friends live. Our 10 year anniversary was at the beginning of November. We didn't have much money so we just got each other cards. 5 days later, he bought a plane ticket back to his hometown, and he hadn't been there in 6 years, and hello you could have bought me flowers with a bit of that money! 3 weeks later I find him in his truck in the middle of the night talking to her. I didn't make the connection at that point.  Then, for some weird reason (maybe because I can't control another human being) I let him go. It probably turned physical at that point. He swore to me he didn't see her, but now I'm talking to his best friend and without saying the exact words he's let me know that my H did see her. 

Then after V-day, I let my H have 5 days to go "find himself" and I paid for it with our tax return. I really think that she flew in for that and they had a rendezvous. He was nowhere to be found, didn't answer his phone, wouldn't prove to me where he was, took cash, so no paper trail, and had a story ready when he came back. 

I feel dumb because sometimes I do tend to believe him. But everything is clicking into place. He doesn't talk to his closest friends about any of it or even his family, because he knows he's wrong. He won't go to MC because he knows they'd know. He's a screw up. I can't believe he'd leave us for what? She lives across the country. Would he seriously divorce me and then she coincidentally moves here? I don't get it.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

i guess for me i felt stupid believing in him and his ability to be an honest person.
for trusting him
i still feel like a fool when i think of the whole situation


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

When you start to feel stupid about something that happened while your spouse was cheating on you, stop. We live and learn. What I find stupid is deceiving and causing other people pain for selfish reasons. Smart people care about others and live their lives with integrity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

No dats not me but gona check it out


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He invited me out saying we were going to have a romantic nigh tand I spent allllll day getting my hair done at het salon, a newn outfit, did my make up.

He said "I am taking you to the hottest club, Jelly." He kept saying how pretty I looked and doting on me, hanging all over me, kissing me, hugging me, etc. We had SO much fun, dancing all night, and it was the first time in our separation where he said he wanted to go to MC w/ me (after me asking him to go a jillion times) and said "I'm going to make this the best year ever--it can only get better." He knew some of the people who worked there. When we were leaving, someone who worked there told me they were closing one portion and was ushering folks out and I said "I am waiting for my husband" (he was in the bathroom) and hubs came out and he smiled at me saying that. 

What an awesome night. 

A few months later he sat me down and confessed he had cheated. When I asked her where he met her, he said he'd met her at the same place he took me that night.

THE SAME PLACE.

I asked him Why in the hell would he take me to the same exact place... Ugh.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

my whole situation makes me feel incredibly stupid, I can't believe how naive and idiotic I was....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well it sounds like we all feel like idiots LOL


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yuppers...Jelly, that made me smile, lol


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When I confronted W about her current affair, I called my good friend for support, well they too were f*ck buddies.

I even gave this guy a job, against my wife's wishes. Wierd, but she was sick of my friend by the time I was going to hire him.

You know I can get over the strange and the ONS, but when a "friend" takes advandage of the "oppertunity" to get layed and uses my screwed up marraige to get some, that is as low as any human can go.

Thinking about...some 13 plus months later, it amazes me how some one can be this low. For my wife thats is a totaly different deal (if you know my story), but for someone so close.......what ever happened to bros before hoes?

I mean...my wife sleeping around..shes weak, shes.....what ever, the point is my "friend" took advandage of our unhealthy marraige to score a hot tight blonde.

There is no way in hell he could have gotten it any other way.

I quess its like most, its the ones you least expect, short,hairy,grease, and poor. Not that I got anything against these kind of people with less misfortinate finace & physical charicteristics, but when they come on to my W and she is vunarable it pisses me off. 

two,
Thanks for setting up this thread.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

My first wife made me feel stupid when i found out i was babysitting for her so that she could go screw.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A good rule of thumb is any man your wife introduces you to better be gay or a complete loser.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'll take this thread in a new direction. 

I felt stupid that of all people in the world, I fell for him. I knew better and even knew some of the ways that people could slip into an A, but even *I* fell. I felt stupid that I was so thoughtless to a wonderful person. I felt stupid that I acted so unlike the True Me. I felt stupid that I made such a GIGANTIC, irreparable mistake. I felt stupid that I missed him that first week, but I did and I purposely did not act on it. I felt stupid talking to anybody. 

I feel stupid now looking back at GOD AWFUL stupid choices. I feel stupid even remembering how I behaved. I feel stupid talking to others when I am no better.

Overall the whole thing was stupid from beginning to end except for one thing. I no longer have that "high and mighty" self-righteous feeling that a LS can get, and I am able to recognize that the way a DS thinks is like a circus mirror but to a DS that view "looks" real and they still need someone to help them see the truth. That's about 99.99% why I try to help the DS's and not drive them away with a tongue-lashing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Nothing makes me feel stupid. Lots of things disappoint me. I don't ask to have trash thrown on me. If someone, a wife, or anyone tries to get one over on me and does because I'm basically not as evil as they are then they're the ones who have to live with their own rotten souls.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In the same breath AC, I feel sometimes a few lashings vurble or other wise are in order;-) when it comes to bad dicision, choices, or behaviors.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RlD,
Sometimes the complete loser is the one we need to worry about the most.

Those are the one who have nothing but time to spend with ones spouse when we're off making a life.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Trusting someone so much, that they obviously didn't deserve in the first place.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

> Sometimes the complete loser is the one we need to worry about the most.


You're telling me. In my case, the OM is a 44 year old(not a shot at anyone, but I am 24 and my SO is 25....) balding guy who lives with his mother, has no drivers license because of a DUI. Also, even though he is 20 years older, he currently holds(or he did before he got fired. Yeah, he's jobless too.) the same job as my 25 year old significant other.... So obviously, not such a bright future there...

I'm not sure that all of this makes me feel stupid, but it certainly does a number on my self esteem. 

I think what makes me feel stupid is the fact that I knew something was going on, but couldn't do a damned thing about it. We weren't in a good place at the time, and I knew that if I called her on it and forced my hand, she would leave me..... again.

Gfx


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

You're not lying about watching out for the 'loser' types, especially those who are at home while most of us work. Those guys have all of the time in the world to send texts, e-mails, pics, et al, to your S/O in order to get their minds wondering. In my case, the OM was a seasonal coach who was a SAHD. All he had to do was drop the kids off at school, hop on his cell, and it was off to the races to get her hot and bothered.

And yep, hindsight can be 20/20 sometimes. I feel stupid about agreeing for all of us to go to some cookout that his family was hosting, knowing that the two of them had a history. Never in a million years would she have allowed me to attend some function that an ex of mine was having but I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

The next time, I will not be so trusting and pay more attention to what my gut is trying to tell me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well if she's going to fall for a loser....."live long and prosper"


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

I felt stupid because I didn't realize something was going on, I thought everything was good in our relationship. There were NO signs! 

I feel stupid because it was with our friends sister who just moved into town. Here I thought he was talking to our friend, just as friends, but to my surprise, it was a bit more with the sister! 

I feel like I look like an idiot! Shame on my (former) friend, I thought she had more morals! I wonder who else knows since we have the same group of friends?

It really does NOTHING for self esteem!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

made me feel stupid that she thought i was stupid and didnt know what was going on, then I realized that I was stupid for thinking I was stupid because I was dealing with stupid people in a fog induced stupor.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I caught mine "in the act" when a friend suggested I go into a back room, I pulled her out (he ran of course) and after 15 mins of talking/yelling I had to go onstage in front of a room full of people who knew what just happened. That was humiliating

I feel a marriage is about trust, without it you have nothing. I don't know that I have ever really trusted her since, it's probably a big reason we've ended up where we are a decade later.


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## hapagirl (Apr 6, 2011)

It really is sad to hear everyone's stories. It seems like we have this really big letter V for victim on our forehead. I really try to live with my good conscience and treat others how I want to be treated but there are people in this world with little self control. Like my husband...

I've catalog our family photos by years and every time I go through them now I remember what my H done at the time. I am smiling ear to ear doing fun activities with my husband and my kids and now I know he was planning a date that night with this girl and that picture he was posting himself on singles web site... etc.
Over the years I found hidden porn, flirting with girls and rendezvous emails while I totally trusted him. When I found them we had our blow out fights and I took him back because he promised me he will change. It s been 16 yrs. now and we almost divorce 2 years ago but he confess everything and asked for forgiveness. He confessed he slept with prostitutes/ erotic massage. He also dated girls... This time it seems really sincere. So I am still here in this marriage. I feel sad and very stupid that I stayed so long.. He gave me all his passwords for all his emails and lets me monitor his laptop but he fly for a living and out of country often. I think he is sincere about wanting his family but I don't believe he will overcome every temptation. I thought I forgave him but all this resentment and paranoia lingers. I don't feel I can truly be happy like this. I feel like I am going insane for trying. This bitterness inside me is evidence that I truly did not forgave or trust him. Right?


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