# First Time He Cheated but it was a 3 year Long Term Affair



## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Hello, so a bit of background information. 
The husband in question has been married to my sister for a little over 10 years. He has never strayed before but we have recently found out that he was having a 3 year long term affair with the same woman. He cut contact and blocked the AP from all social media since D-Day, which was about 2 weeks ago. My sister claims that eventhough it was tough to face this truth, their relationship seems to not be as distraught as she thought. 

To be honest I think she's probably in shock or denial and maybe going thru what I've read as hyper bonding. Either way,
I would really like some insight on those with more experience in this area. What is the likelihood of him straying again? Do you think he will reach out to his AP and if so how long do you think that will take? 

I've read that when it comes to the cheating spouse confessing the truth they do what is called trickle truth. I am wondering how does new information pop up after an affair has been brought to light and the cheating spouse has come "clean"?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s no putting percents on this, but the chances are very high. Is the guy truly remorseful (unlikely, he just got caught) abd does he still love his wife (must’ve never loved her, or he wouldn’t have done this)…

There’s no question that the man has within his character to cheat for years and his conscience never be bothered enough to stop.
Most likely he only stopped (and yes, likely only momentarily) because either the woman didn’t want him as a husband, didn’t want to be financially strapped due to alimony and child support), or because he knew he has a woman that loved him and was taking good care of him and has plans of cake eating again when she drops her guard.

If she were my sister, I’d advise her to divorce and find a man who is capable of both loving her in a way that he is incapable of cheating, but also has more character than to do so.

what this man did, he had more than enough tine to figure out within himself. Your sister is needing to find the strength to not accept the unacceptable.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My observation of people who have long term affairs and get caught, then panic and latch onto their spouse for dear life professing their undying love, do so out of fear of divorce, not necessarily a desire to be married. They fear their reputation being tarnished if everyone finds out, they fear losing their house, kids and so on.

He has shown he doesn’t care for monogamy by his actions, and your sister should probably get some legal advice and weigh her options. Three years is a long time to suddenly come to a screeching halt, meaning I personally wouldn’t believe it has come to a halt. Ugh, it would be too much to have to rebuild trust from something like that. I hope your sister at least takes her time in deciding if she should reconcile and doesn’t rush anything.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

A 3 year affair is a whole lot different than a 2 month affair. Of course both are bad. But after 3 years, I highly doubt he is going to just cut this other lady off cold.

Your sister and her husband have a long road ahead if they choose to stay together. The infidelity is one thing. But the 3 year affair points to unresolved issues in the marriage most likely due to poor communication or incompatibility. And as far as her reaction right now. She is probably in denial and it hasn't hit yet.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It’s unlikely this is the first time, and even less likely it will stop. He’s forced your sister into a one-way open marriage and that will not stop.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

A 3 year affair is not an affair. It is a relationship. He didn't do something selfish and stupid. He deceived his wife daily for 3 years. There is not one reason she should trust anything he says, no matter how much remorse he shows in the short term. I am not a believer that an affair has to end a relationship, but in a case like this I am. He is a skilled liar, as are all cheaters, though he is clearly Olympic level. And yes, the lies are like cockroaches. You learn of one and there are 100 behind the wall.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What consequences has her husband had?

bad behavior without consequences is a sure bet = he will do it again and again. What were his consequences? Did he move out? Did all the family know he cheated? 

I hope your sister has an exit plan. She should see an attorney.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your sister should INSIST on getting access to EVERYTHING. She will very likely find that her husband was telling the OW he loved her and may have even badmouth your sister but that is usually to keep the hot sex on tap. He may have even future faked with the OW. Nothing gets a WW to turn on the wanton sex than a chance to monkey branch. 

I’m assuming the other woman is married, which would explain the affair lasting so long. Very few single women are stupid enough to wait that long. The sex that married women put out for their OM is usually very hot and wanton. After 3 years of that. It is very likely that he will try to go back for more once he thinks your sister lets her guard down.

The best thing to do on the short term is expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse. Having 2 sets of eyes on them will help keep them apart. I would also tell your sister to tell her in-laws. They may have his back but behind the scenes will come down hard on him, especially if there are kids in the picture. The next step is to talk to a lawyer and find out exactly what divorce will look like.

After a 3 year affair, which would have had to include 1000s of lies, she should wait a long while before talking about giving him a chance. Cheap and quick forgiveness is not valued. She should make him crawl over broken glass to prove his sincerity. This is not the time for understanding; this is the time to turn into a real beotch.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

The amount of lying and scheming that goes into a 3 year affair is mind boggling. Your sisters emotions are probably all over the place. Tell her to give herself at least a few months to decide if she wants to divorce or attempt reconciliation. At the end of the day, she will have to decide if she still loves him and if she can ever trust him again. I don't know how you can regain trust after a betrayal of this magnitude, but it is her life. I think divorce is the best option in these situations.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> There’s no putting percents on this, but the chances are very high. Is the guy truly remorseful (unlikely, he just got caught) abd does he still love his wife (must’ve never loved her, or he wouldn’t have done this)…
> 
> There’s no question that the man has within his character to cheat for years and his conscience never be bothered enough to stop.
> Most likely he only stopped (and yes, likely only momentarily) because either the woman didn’t want him as a husband, didn’t want to be financially strapped due to alimony and child support), or because he knew he has a woman that loved him and was taking good care of him and has plans of cake eating again when she drops her guard.
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> There’s no putting percents on this, but the chances are very high. Is the guy truly remorseful (unlikely, he just got caught) abd does he still love his wife (must’ve never loved her, or he wouldn’t have done this)…
> 
> There’s no question that the man has within his character to cheat for years and his conscience never be bothered enough to stop.
> Most likely he only stopped (and yes, likely only momentarily) because either the woman didn’t want him as a husband, didn’t want to be financially strapped due to alimony and child support), or because he knew he has a woman that loved him and was taking good care of him and has plans of cake eating again when she drops her guard.
> ...


From what I was told by my sister the other woman got upset over a breach in some agreement they had from his side and she made him confess to my sister. As far as stopping, my sister has access to all his social media's and I am assuming she checks it all the time and has not found that he has reached out. She made him change his number, I don't know how dumb he would be to reach out to her while he has a new number that the AP shouldn't have. But then again we never expected this of him in the first place.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Your sister should INSIST on getting access to EVERYTHING. She will very likely find that her husband was telling the OW he loved her and may have even badmouth your sister but that is usually to keep the hot sex on tap. He may have even future faked with the OW. Nothing gets a WW to turn on the wanton sex than a chance to monkey branch.
> 
> I’m assuming the other woman is married, which would explain the affair lasting so long. Very few single women are stupid enough to wait that long. The sex that married women put out for their OM is usually very hot and wanton. After 3 years of that. It is very likely that he will try to go back for more once he thinks your sister lets her guard down.
> 
> ...



The other woman is actually single from what I could find out. The way my sister described d day seemed traumatic but in my opinion my sister missed an opportunity. Apparently the other woman had made my sister's husband come clean and my sister went to meet them where they were staying. The other woman wanted to talk with her to have a 3 seated conversation but I am sure that my sister was overwhelmed and in shock or denial and didn't want to talk with her. So she opted to just leave with her husband to sort things out. To be honest I don't think that was the best decision but everyone deals with shock differently.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> The amount of lying and scheming that goes into a 3 year affair is mind boggling. Your sisters emotions are probably all over the place. Tell her to give herself at least a few months to decide if she wants to divorce or attempt reconciliation. At the end of the day, she will have to decide if she still loves him and if she can ever trust him again. I don't know how you can regain trust after a betrayal of this magnitude, but it is her life. I think divorce is the best option in these situations.


I agree that she should also divorce but I can see where she might opt to work things out. My sister is a stay at home mother of 2 kids and 1 of her kids have behavioral problems. Me as well as our other brother live in different states as my sister so she would have to uproot her kids from school if she were to separate or divorce( of course till she gets on her own two feet). The husband is the sole bread winner of the house, she financially has depended on him for basically her entire life. She does love him, he was her first boyfriend, High-school sweetheart married young etc. And he as well is this for her. So I can see where she might not even fathom the thought or her being without him in her life. She is just so use to him as he is to her. To be honest I feel that she is just burying her head in the sand just to keep on living her life with him but I'm wondering how long can she actually sustain this?


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> What consequences has her husband had?
> 
> bad behavior without consequences is a sure bet = he will do it again and again. What were his consequences? Did he move out? Did all the family know he cheated?
> 
> I hope your sister has an exit plan. She should see an attorney.


No he stayed with her and as far as I know I am the only one she has told so far. I dont know if she has told his parents.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard to understand how your sister will be able to trust him after such a long time of lying, deception and having sex with another person. After just 10 years of marriage as well. It's also highly unlikely that he would ever have told her if he wasn't forced.
How did he meet her? Is she from his work?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> I agree that she should also divorce but I can see where she might opt to work things out. My sister is a stay at home mother of 2 kids and 1 of her kids have behavioral problems. Me as well as our other brother live in different states as my sister so she would have to uproot her kids from school if she were to separate or divorce( of course till she gets on her own two feet). The husband is the sole bread winner of the house, she financially has depended on him for basically her entire life. She does love him, he was her first boyfriend, High-school sweetheart married young etc. And he as well is this for her. So I can see where she might not even fathom the thought or her being without him in her life. She is just so use to him as he is to her. To be honest I feel that she is just burying her head in the sand just to keep on living her life with him but I'm wondering how long can she actually sustain this?


So her desire not to uproot their lives overcomes the need to make sure there are severe consequences. That's sad because there will be no reason for him not to do it again.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It's hard to understand how your sister will be able to trust him after such a long time of lying, deception and having sex with another person. After just 10 years of marriage as well. It's also highly unlikely that he would ever have told her if he wasn't forced.
> How did he meet her? Is she from his work?


She isn't from work, the other woman is someone he had met online from playing ps4. The husband is a gamer. But apparently the other woman lives in a different state. But they would see each other frequently because my sisters husband always ended up having training and work outside of his state which turned out was him just being with her AP. He's a truck driver so he would always be out for a week or two pretty frequently. Which of course now that my sister knows he was cheating it adds up as to why he always had "training."


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So her desire not to uproot their lives overcomes the need to make sure there are severe consequences. That's sad because there will be no reason for him not to do it again.


I think really because she is dependent on him more than anything. Who knows maybe she is blinded by how much she loves him. I've told her I would help her but she declines.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Your sister should consult a good lawyer so she knows what a divorce could look like. Based on your description she may be able to remain as a stay at home caregiver for her children. In any case, knowledge is power.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So that is simply a situation where she doesn’t want to have to change and start a new life.
My advice to her wouid be to go back to school and learn a trade and get a job so she can leave him, or just open the marriage. Because this guy is a cheater, has her right where he wants her, and knows correctly he can do this again because she doesn’t dislike cheating enough to stop it.

surely she knows he’d have to pay her alimony and child support and could probably sit back for a long time?

it’s her decision to stay and if so, she’s got nobody to blame but herself for having a crappy cheating husband. You can’t fo this for her. She has got to see an attorney and do it herself. Yes, these things are hard. Wasting one’s life is fairly easy


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> So that is simply a situation where she doesn’t want to have to change and start a new life.
> My advice to her wouid be to go back to school and learn a trade and get a job so she can leave him, or just open the marriage. Because this guy is a cheater, has her right where he wants her, and knows correctly he can do this again because she doesn’t dislike cheating enough to stop it.
> 
> surely she knows he’d have to pay her alimony and child support and could probably sit back for a long time?
> ...


Yes I agree. I will just have to wait it out and see what comes of it. I do hope she divorces him. I'm worried that she is just hanging on to him, to win over the other woman and not thinking of herself.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> So that is simply a situation where she doesn’t want to have to change and start a new life.
> My advice to her wouid be to go back to school and learn a trade and get a job so she can leave him, or just open the marriage. Because this guy is a cheater, has her right where he wants her, and knows correctly he can do this again because she doesn’t dislike cheating enough to stop it.
> 
> surely she knows he’d have to pay her alimony and child support and could probably sit back for a long time?
> ...


You know I did wonder if she isn't feeling the actual damage right now because she is delving into what I've read as hysterical bonding. But from what I've read, that wears off in some months. Do you or anyone else know how true this is?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> Hello, so a bit of background information.
> The husband in question has been married to my sister for a little over 10 years. He has never strayed before but we have recently found out that he was having a 3 year long term affair with the same woman. He cut contact and blocked the AP from all social media since D-Day, which was about 2 weeks ago. My sister claims that eventhough it was tough to face this truth, their relationship seems to not be as distraught as she thought.
> 
> To be honest I think she's probably in shock or denial and maybe going thru what I've read as hyper bonding. Either way,
> I would really like some insight on those with more experience in this area. What is the likelihood of him straying again?


It’s all but a certainty, IMO.



KeepItSimple1118 said:


> Do you think he will reach out to his AP and if so how long do you think that will take?


3 years? He’s likely still in contact with her via backup/non-primary/underground means.



KeepItSimple1118 said:


> I've read that when it comes to the cheating spouse confessing the truth they do what is called trickle truth. I am wondering how does new information pop up after an affair has been brought to light and the cheating spouse has come "clean"?


All sorts of ways, but it’s not usually offered free of significant prodding or other means of evidence-gathering.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> You know I did wonder if she isn't feeling the actual damage right now because she is delving into what I've read as hysterical bonding. But from what I've read, that wears off in some months. Do you or anyone else know how true this is?


Takes weeks/months. The point of it is to recreate the intimate bond between a betrayed spouse and his or her wayward.

It can be a very confusing — and distracting — time.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> From what I was told by my sister the other woman got upset over a breach in some agreement they had from his side and she made him confess to my sister. As far as stopping, my sister has access to all his social media's and I am assuming she checks it all the time and has not found that he has reached out. She made him change his number, I don't know how dumb he would be to reach out to her while he has a new number that the AP shouldn't have. But then again we never expected this of him in the first place.


So she is willing to be his jailor rather than his wife. Ok. It is very sad to me. I've been cheated on. My husband has been faithful for 10 years. He cheated at year 20. I still have days where I am consumed by it. If I could do it over, I would get out. It has been torture, and I certainly never tried to police my husband. I can't imagine living like that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> _*He has never strayed before ..*_


Let me correctly finish that statement for you - *that you KNOW of*.



> *To be honest I think she's probably in shock or denial and maybe going thru what I've read as hyper bonding. Either way,
> I would really like some insight on those with more experience in this area. What is the likelihood of him straying again? Do you think he will reach out to his AP and if so how long do you think that will take?*


He's more than likely still in touch with her. You don't just cut someone off after 3 years. He's probably mad as hell at her, but the likelihood that he _actually_ cut all contact with her? You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus, in my opinion.
*



I've read that when it comes to the cheating spouse confessing the truth they do what is called trickle truth. I am wondering how does new information pop up after an affair has been brought to light and the cheating spouse has come "clean"?

Click to expand...

*I'm guessing Mr. Wonderful didn't keep his promise to leave your sister, so his girlfriend tried to make that decision FOR him.

If he really HAS cut all contact with his OW, it would only be due to ANGER at her for exposing him to your sister, not because he suddenly respects your sister. He's been ****ting all over her for 3 years running, so that ship sailed a long time ago.

Sadly, it sounds like your sister is gearing up to do the pathetic "pick me" dance where she'll jump all over like a trained seal, desperately trying to 'win' this prize back. She's already engaging in hysterical bonding which to me is basically REWARDING a cheater for ****ting all over you by having tons of sex with him. I understand the dynamics of it, but I'll never understand how women can actually *do* that. Ugh.

Lastly, a cheater's NUMBER ONE JOB when they're caught is to *protect their ass at ALL costs*. The lies will flow freely and he'll likely lie to her and tell her he used condoms every time they had sex, that the sex was bad and not "special" like it is with your sister, that they only had sex a handful of times, and that he really didn't like her and she's the one who kept forcing him to see her. Never underestimate how MUCH a cheater lies - covering his OWN pitiful ass will trump any concern he has for your sister or HER sexual health. Sorry, but it's the truth.

Will he cheat again? I'd bet money on it. She should be calling her lawyer. Staying with him sends the message that she doesn't respect herself enough to demand better in her life and that she's willing to settle for someone who clearly showed her what LITTLE worth she has in his eyes.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with @She'sStillGotIt.
OW was trying to get the husband to divorce your sister & gave the husband an ultimatum, hoping that your sister would divorce him immediately.

OW wanting a 3-way conversation is WEIRD, cruel & arrogant. Ugh!

I can't see OW giving up. So she may contact him & tempt him back.

The husband was your sister's first and only love, so it's easy to see why she doesn't want to divorce, and she's still in shock of course.

When the husband gets a taste of R because it's so difficult, I can see him running back to OW before too long.

Divorce! but you know that already.

Maybe try to put pressure on her to see a lawyer. You could sell it to her as
"It's no harm knowing what your financial position will be. It doesn't mean you have to divorce him."

Would she be allowed to move the kids to another state if she gets a divorce?


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> I agree with @She'sStillGotIt.
> OW was trying to get the husband to divorce your sister & marry her, especially given she's single, and gave BS an ultimatum. And she was hoping that your sister would divorce her husband immediately.
> 
> OW wanting a 3-way conversation is WEIRD, cruel & arrogant. Geez, one can only imagine what OW was going to say.
> ...


I do agree it is weird that the other woman wanted to talk with her but from what my sister told me, the other woman had told her that she wanted to be upfront with her and would tell her anything that he wouldn't (the cheating husband). But my sister didn't want to talk with her. I wonder how soon in their marriage will they start on the real ugly phases of recovery before this hysterical bonding or honeymoon phase as I've read wears off. 

She is hellbent on fixing the marriage so I know right now she wouldn't even think of seeing a lawyer. I'll have to wait on that one. And yes she would have to move. To be honest I'm not sure if she can, I think that would depend on him as well I think?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Honestly, she’s not going anywhere. And he’s not either. Your sis has got to fix this herself. All you can do is pray.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

bricks said:


> So she is willing to be his jailor rather than his wife. Ok. It is very sad to me. I've been cheated on. My husband has been faithful for 10 years. He cheated at year 20. I still have days where I am consumed by it. If I could do it over, I would get out. It has been torture, and I certainly never tried to police my husband. I can't imagine living like that.


If you don't mind me asking, was this a one time slip up or was it a long term affair like this one that I am asking about?


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Let me correctly finish that statement for you - *that you KNOW of*.
> 
> 
> He's more than likely still in touch with her. You don't just cut someone off after 3 years. He's probably mad as hell at her, but the likelihood that he _actually_ cut all contact with her? You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus, in my opinion.
> ...


Yes I think your right. I've seen my sister's Facebook and she's posting things as if to say that even if the other woman was trying to "destroy her" it didn't even phase her. I really think she is in deep denial. Regardless if my sister blames the other woman, the one who was married was the husband. He made a vow and a choice to break those vows. My sister had blocked the other woman off of Facebook but then she told me that she unblocked her. I asked her why and she didn't really have an answer except she doesn't need to hide from anyone. Which to me it seems like she is just allowing the other woman to see how this didn't tear her down. Assuming that she thinks the other woman is stalking her page. To be honest, it's really childish on my sisters part but we'll I guess everyone deals with denial and grief differently.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> I think really because she is dependent on him more than anything. Who knows maybe she is blinded by how much she loves him. I've told her I would help her but she declines.


She is probably fearful of being on her own.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> She is probably fearful of being on her own.


Yes I think that's a big part of it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> From what I was told by my sister the other woman got upset over a breach in some agreement they had from his side and she made him confess to my sister.


The agreement was possibly that he'd leave your sister in a certain timeframe. 
Then when he breached it, she told him if he didn't confess, she would tell your sister. 
I can't see any other way he would have confessed.
But it backfired on OW, no divorce.
A friend of mine has a friend who has been someone's mistress for 16 years.
He keeps telling her he'll leave his wife LOL.



KeepItSimple1118 said:


> You know I did wonder if she isn't feeling the actual damage right now because she is delving into what I've read as hysterical bonding. But from what I've read, that wears off in some months. Do you or anyone else know how true this is?


Do you mean she's been looking up hysterical bonding herself online?
If so, maybe you could advise her to have a look at some R threads on here, since that's what her future is going to look like. Or even start a thread.

Although from what you said, @Evinrude58 is probably right, maybe all you can do is pray. 

Also, your sister is friends with AP on Facebook? as in you said she unblocked her? So she knows her? And she's posting on Facebook about the affair?


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> The agreement was possibly that he'd leave your sister in a certain timeframe.
> Then when he breached it, she told him if he didn't confess, she would tell your sister.
> I can't see any other way he would have confessed.
> But it backfired on OW, no divorce.
> ...


Yes it seems that it did backfire on the other woman. But I can't see that she was the worse party off from this whole ordeal. The cheating husband got to stay with my sister for the time being and now my sister is going to have to work on her marriage as well as him for a long time, years of recovery as I have read. 

No, my sister is not the type to look up information. She is rather lazy but from how she expresses their current situation, I can only classify it as such. I am the one looking up information to be a better support for her. 

And no, they are not friends on Facebook. The other woman was trying to send my sister some screen shots of their conversations (the cheating husband and the affair partner) but my sister didn't have the sense enough to look at the screen shots and she just blocked and deleted the messages. Another reason why I think my sister is in pure denial, making herself blind to all this. And as far as I know, the other woman hasn't made any contact again to my sister despite now having the ability to send her messages on Facebook etc


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your sister doesn’t want to know. She may wake up at some point but my guess is she won’t because that would require action and change on her part. I was married for decades to a serial cheater. Getting out was the best decision I ever made. But I don’t think your sister will ever make that decision so her situation is likely to continue.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re right. Complete denial. You can bet he filled the head if the dim witted affair partner with all kinds of future faking nonsense. She’s just now seeing him for who he is, although your sister should be also.

this kind of guy sounds like a very typical cake eater. From what I’ve seen, guys that eat cake this soon and for this long in a marriage, they will always be cake eaters. But sadly, your sis is training him to be a serial cheater by not only not filing for divorce and giving him a taste of what alimony and child support are like, she’s rewarding him with great sex and trying to “win him back”. That is a I hate almost as much as “soul mates”.

You can see it, we can see it. But sadly, your sister is blind to the obvious. Not much can be done to help a person when they pull the self destruct lever and break it off so nobody can turn it back off.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

To address your original questions:


KeepItSimple1118 said:


> What is the likelihood of him straying again?
> Do you think he will reach out to his AP and if so how long do you think that will take?


Methinks, as I suspected, OW hasn't given up at all.
It's a big factor in this situation because they were together for 3 years, she doesn't have a husband of her own and she doesn't sound as if she will take no for an answer. She has invested 3 years of her life in the A.
She even sent screenshots of their conversations to your sister. Wow!
OW can still contact him, even if he changed his number. Very easy to do.
So he might reach out to OW, but I think OW will definitely reach out to him and may have already done so or is doing so. Burner phones etc. She lives far away and the husband travels a lot with work. Frankly, it couldn't be easier for them to connect. Your sister should join the gaming site with a fake name (assuming they still do their gaming).

From what you say, there's nothing you can do except support her in the event the R goes pear-shaped, which is highly likely imo. 
@Evinrude58 put it very well: 
_"Not much can be done to help a person when they pull the self destruct lever and break it off so nobody can turn it back off."_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's an enormous difference between crawling on your knees to beg forgiveness for a one night stand and an ongoing affair - whether it is a 2 month or 3 year affair.

Every time he lied to your sister, a part of his soul surely died. I agree that what she's doing is hysterical bonding, and is completely normal. She's likely extremely frightened at what her future looks like right now, her life is spinning out of control and she's trying to hold on. This won't last long, once the dust settles and things go back to normal she'll start to see things as they really are. All you can do is support her through this until that happens.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> There's an enormous difference between crawling on your knees to beg forgiveness for a one night stand and an ongoing affair - whether it is a 2 month or 3 year affair.
> 
> Every time he lied to your sister, a part of his soul surely died. I agree that what she's doing is hysterical bonding, and is completely normal. She's likely extremely frightened at what her future looks like right now, her life is spinning out of control and she's trying to hold on. This won't last long, once the dust settles and things go back to normal she'll start to see things as they really are. All you can do is support her through this until that happens.


You are right. I will just wait it out. My sister told me that he said he wanted to focus on God and change, I guess time will tell if that is something that will truly happen.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> I agree that she should also divorce but I can see where she might opt to work things out. My sister is a stay at home mother of 2 kids and 1 of her kids have behavioral problems. Me as well as our other brother live in different states as my sister so she would have to uproot her kids from school if she were to separate or divorce( of course till she gets on her own two feet). The husband is the sole bread winner of the house, she financially has depended on him for basically her entire life. She does love him, he was her first boyfriend, High-school sweetheart married young etc. And he as well is this for her. So I can see where she might not even fathom the thought or her being without him in her life. She is just so use to him as he is to her. To be honest I feel that she is just burying her head in the sand just to keep on living her life with him but I'm wondering how long can she actually sustain this?


It's not sustainable. But if that's what she wants, she probably won't be as receptive to advice telling her differently. At the least, get her to protect herself financially in case (or when) this happens again.



> My sister told me that he said he wanted to focus on God and change


I really hope he's not spouting that "I only need God's forgiveness" bullcrap


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> If you don't mind me asking, was this a one time slip up or was it a long term affair like this one that I am asking about?


It was a few months long.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

To be honest. There is nothing you can do for your sister except to be there for her.

It’s her choice to stay with a cheater or not.

If you push onto her your views, even when they are to try and help. You could end up pushing her away. Tread lightly and support her as best you can.

You can also mention this web site. See if she is willing to seek help for herself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> You are right. I will just wait it out. My sister told me that he said he wanted to focus on God and change, I guess time will tell if that is something that will truly happen.


Interesting that he wants to focus on God now his affair has been discovered but didn't for the 3 years he was lying and cheating. I suspect he is just saying that so she doesn't leave.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> You are right.* I will just wait it out. *My sister told me that he said he wanted to focus on God and change, I guess time will tell if that is something that will truly happen.


You really don't have a choice. It is your sister's life and if she wants to squander it on a remorseless POS, then wish her well and leave her to it. She ought to know that she can't fix what she didn't break. 

The best thing you can do for her is to insist she not do the 'pick me' dance and stop rewarding the scum with non-stop sex. Even if the prick is disease free, does she really want to set a precedent for how she will handle any future cheating? Dang, talk about an incentive for him - no downside. 

Your sis is worried about the tart winning? What is she winning? A POS scumbag - some door prize. The same grab bag sis so wants to hang on to. People play stupid games and they win stupid prizes.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> It's not sustainable. But if that's what she wants, she probably won't be as receptive to advice telling her differently. At the least, get her to protect herself financially in case (or when) this happens again.
> 
> 
> 
> I really hope he's not spouting that "I only need God's forgiveness" bullcrap


From what she told me, he repented from his sins, but you know what's interesting. He said this a week before he ended up meeting up once again with his AP. And then I say this, no, he didn't confess to my sister about his sins. He just decided in front of her to "go back" with God. I think it's bull crap, he didn't truly repent but just told my sister he did.


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## KeepItSimple1118 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Interesting that he wants to focus on God now his affair has been discovered but didn't for the 3 years he was lying and cheating. I suspect he is just saying that so she doesn't leave.


I feel the same.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sis may


KeepItSimple1118 said:


> From what she told me, he repented from his sins, but you know what's interesting. He said this a week before he ended up meeting up once again with his AP. And then I say this, no, he didn't confess to my sister about his sins. He just decided in front of her to "go back" with God. I think it's bull crap, he didn't truly repent but just told my sister he did.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> He said this a week before he ended up meeting up once again with his AP. And then I say this, no, he didn't confess to my sister about his sins. He just decided in front of her to "go back" with God. I think it's bull crap, he didn't truly repent but just told my sister he did.


Then I'm gonna be blunt here. If your sister tries to work it out based off of his words alone, she's in for a rough time. Unfortunately, it looks like she's headed down the path of learning the hard way why it's not plausible to take him back unless he actually proves he's remorseful. Because it honestly sounds like he's just giving your sister lip service.

I wish her luck. Try to get her in individual therapy if you can.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> You are right. I will just wait it out. My sister told me that he said he wanted to focus on God and change, I guess time will tell if that is something that will truly happen.


It won't, at least not long term, but your sister needs to reach the conclusion that he'll cheat again (and he will) on her own and then act accordingly.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> maybe she is blinded by how much she loves him


How much she THINKS she loves him. What's not to love about a husband who has a long-term relationship that he hides from his wife? <sarcasm>

It's time to move on. He will never change. In the infinitesimally small chance that he does, she will NEVER get past it. She may convince herself that she has, but it's not real.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

bricks said:


> I still have days where I am consumed by it. If I could do it over, I would get out. It has been torture, and I certainly never tried to police my husband. I can't imagine living like that.


Exactly


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> You really don't have a choice. It is your sister's life and if she wants to squander it on a remorseless POS, then wish her well and leave her to it. *She ought to know that she can't fix what she didn't break. *
> 
> The best thing you can do for her is to insist she not do the 'pick me' dance and stop rewarding the scum with non-stop sex. Even if the prick is disease free, does she really want to set a precedent for how she will handle any future cheating? Dang, talk about an incentive for him - no downside.
> 
> *Your sis is worried about the tart winning? * What is she winning? A POS scumbag - some door prize. The same grab bag sis so wants to hang on to. * People play stupid games and they win stupid prizes.*


Women pit themselves against each other. It would be fantastic if that stopped. The other woman is not a tart, she is being used.

There isn't anything for op to do except let her sister know that she loves her and be a shoulder, that's all. 
When women stop thinking they need to compete with each other and feeling less than without a man is the day that infidelity ends.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

harperlee said:


> Women pit themselves against each other. It would be fantastic if that stopped. *The other woman is not a tart, she is being used*.


The other woman is with a married man who has a family. She's a POS *****.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

frusdil said:


> The other woman is with a married man who has a family. She's a POS ***.


That's your personal opinion and you are entitled to it. Fortunately, neither you or I are the arbiter of a person's worth.


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## jenny_1 (7 mo ago)

There is a reason he decided to break his vows to his wife and have a 3-year relationship with another woman. I think until those reason(s) are made known and addressed there is a good chance he'll do it again, and possibly with the same female.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

harperlee said:


> Women pit themselves against each other. It would be fantastic if that stopped. The other woman is not a tart, she is being used.
> 
> There isn't anything for op to do except let her sister know that she loves her and be a shoulder, that's all.
> When women stop thinking they need to compete with each other and feeling less than without a man is the day that infidelity ends.


Women who cheat with married men are not being used. They are choosing to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

harperlee said:


> That's your personal opinion and you are entitled to it. Fortunately, neither you or I are the arbiter of a person's worth.


It's very hard to have any liking or respect for home wreckers.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's very hard to have any liking or respect for home wreckers.


They’re not innocent, but neither are the men. There’s nothing to be gained in the BS focusing on the AP. The AP may be a bad person, but she isn’t the one who betrayed the spouse.


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## jenny_1 (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> They’re not innocent, but neither are the men. There’s nothing to be gained in the BS focusing on the AP. The AP may be a bad person, but she isn’t the one who betrayed the spouse.


Agreed. If the husband is willing to have an affair, it's primarily his fault the marriage got wrecked. He made the marriage available to be wrecked, and the AP is just the other car in the multi-car wreck. The AP is probably thinking if "I'm not the person to help him wreck his marriage, then someone else will". She's just considering what's best for her, as most people do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

KeepItSimple1118 said:


> From what she told me, he repented from his sins, but you know what's interesting. He said this a week before he ended up meeting up once again with his AP. And then I say this, no, he didn't confess to my sister about his sins. He just decided in front of her to "go back" with God. I think it's bull crap, he didn't truly repent but just told my sister he did.


Awww, how sweet. It was his only affair and it only lasted 3 years.
Does your sister realize how how dumb the sounds?
You are a chump only if you allow it.


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