# Bedroom Give and take?



## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

My LW and I are dedicated to trying to understand each other and our differences when it comes to sex. She has mentioned -more than once- that sex is all about “the give and take” and yet she can’t seem to tell me what she means by this? She says that there’s a power dynamic that happens during love making, and that in every sexual experience there’s a give and take...

If she can’t define this... then I have no idea what she’s talking about. If I have no idea what she’s talking about, then we’re no longer communicating - and communicating is the single most important thing to me right now! It's really frustrating not being able to understand her!

So, would any of you have any clue as to what she is trying to describe when she speaks of this elusive ‘give and take’? 

Thank you in advance! -MrV.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You give and she takes... JK I have no idea.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> So, would any of you have any clue as to what she is trying to describe when she speaks of this elusive ‘give and take’?
> 
> Thank you in advance! -MrV.


In what context were you talking about or why did this issue come up? Something must have triggered her to mention this topic, or did she blurt this out of the blue?


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Hold on....i speak chic but my dude is rusty so bare with me....ok....what this sounds like to me is that at any given time one person or the other is the aggressor and this can change from moment to moment for some people. A lot of time its about positioning such as one on their back and the other leaning over them such as can happen with a passionate kiss. Even in a submissive position I can dominate or control the interactions even though in the next passionate moment that dymanic can be flipped on me. It like a dance. Maybe thats the give and take she is talking about and THATS what makes the interaction SMOKIN.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> My LW and I are dedicated to trying to understand each other and our differences when it comes to sex. She has mentioned -more than once- that sex is all about “the give and take” and yet she can’t seem to tell me what she means by this? She says that there’s a power dynamic that happens during love making, and that in every sexual experience there’s a give and take...
> 
> If she can’t define this... then I have no idea what she’s talking about. If I have no idea what she’s talking about, then we’re no longer communicating - and communicating is the single most important thing to me right now! It's really frustrating not being able to understand her!
> 
> ...


I assume she's referring to an unselfish sexual expereince, where both people get something out of it and it's not just one-sided.

This could be for an individual expereince or for an entire love life. I'm not sure which she is referring too.

On an individual leave, it is all about making sure that both sides are enjoying themselves. Essentially, think of it from your point of view, you give her happiness sexually, you take happiness sexually. If you're grinding away on top of her and she's staring at the ceiling tiles thinking about new paint colors, you are taking but she not giving. Vice versa if she's going to town on you and you are struggling to even keep it up because you were done 10 minutes ago and just want to go to the couch, you're not giving. Be sure that both of you are focused on making the other person happy.

Over an entire love life, give and take to me would imply that sometimes, things will be just about you, and sometimes they will be just about her. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. Sometimes you get to lay back and enjoy a relaxing BJ, sometimes she gets to try that position she really likes.

To me, sex in a loving relationship is all about making each other happy. A good lover wants to make his/her partner happy, and sometimes that requires giving more than you get. There is a give and take in all things in life, sex is no different. Be sure to always give her hers and you'll get yours before to long.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Since you mention "differences" when it comes to sex, I think what she is saying is that you both give more than you are used to and take less than you want.

However, the correct response is "Yes, dear. I completely agree." and continue on what you were doing.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Aren't you the guy that completely refuses to do things "un-vanilla" for your wife that she asks you for in the bedroom?

If so, maybe she's trying to tell you diplomatically that basically it's time for you to GIVE.

If this is not you, never you mind.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> On an individual leave, it is all about making sure that both sides are enjoying themselves. Essentially, think of it from your point of view, you give her happiness sexually, you take happiness sexually. If you're grinding away on top of her and she's staring at the ceiling tiles thinking about new paint colors, you are taking but she not giving. Vice versa if she's going to town on you and you are struggling to even keep it up because you were done 10 minutes ago and just want to go to the couch, you're not giving. Be sure that both of you are focused on making the other person happy. before to long.


I agree with you entirely on this level of understanding a give-and-take. I will admit, however, that it takes very little to keep me happy. Apparently I have simple needs and hers are far more complex.



Interlocutor said:


> Aren't you the guy that completely refuses to do things "un-vanilla" for your wife that she asks you for in the bedroom?
> 
> If so, maybe she's trying to tell you diplomatically that basically it's time for you to GIVE.
> 
> If this is not you, never you mind.


-Some- of her suggestions I have absolutely no interest in trying - this much true. But, I have tried some other things that she has asked for, and we haven't found anything 'new' that works for both of us. It was kind of funny, one time she asked me to find a way to restrain her wrists. So I did. When the right moment came to try this out, I restrained her wrists... and then asked her what to do next. She said "Any thing you want." So... I untied her wrists. I found out right in that very moment that some things can really turn one person on... while completely turning the other person off. So No, I don't refuse all new things. I'm really trying.



janesmith said:


> ....what this sounds like to me is that at any given time one person or the other is the aggressor and this can change from moment to moment for some people. A lot of time its about positioning such as one on their back and the other leaning over them such as can happen with a passionate kiss. Even in a submissive position I can dominate or control the interactions even though in the next passionate moment that dynanic can be flipped on me. It like a dance. Maybe thats the give and take she is talking about and THATS what makes the interaction SMOKIN.


I think you may be closest to what she was trying to verbalize. It has something to do with who's in control and how the 'power' of the sexual dynamic shifts back and forth, but trying to get a definition has been impossible. 

She says she can identify it when it happens... and that in any sexual encounter it _always_ happens... but other than this, I'm still somewhat stumped. It also may have something to do with submissive and/or dominate control type of thing, since she's experienced some of this as well.

Thank you all for giving it a go!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

MrVanilla said:


> -Some- of her suggestions I have absolutely no interest in trying - this much true. But, I have tried some other things that she has asked for, and we haven't found anything 'new' that works for both of us. It was kind of funny, one time she asked me to find a way to restrain her wrists. So I did. When the right moment came to try this out, *I restrained her wrists... and then asked her what to do next. She said "Any thing you want." So... I untied her wrists.* I found out right in that very moment that some things can really turn one person on... while completely turning the other person off. So No, I don't refuse all new things. I'm really trying.


These comments right here... Seriously? She told you to do whatever you wanted so she could enjoy the suspense of not knowing which sexual act was coming while not being able to resist it (she was restrained), and the act you offered her was to untie her? Use some logic here, what was the point, then, of tying her up? You know better, and you know that is NOT trying. Methinks you indulge in your vanilla-ness (user name, very creative) and you like the attention called to your flavorlessness. I think you play a naive act well but not well enough. I think a part of you likes to frustrate people, particularly your poor wife.


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