# In Search of Some Wisdom / Advice



## Hurthusband77 (May 9, 2021)

I don’t post much here, but do post on another forum, but I’ve perused TAM for a long time.

I have an issue that I’d like some insight / advice from females. 

My wife and I are HS Sweethearts and each other’s first and only sexual partners, at least for a little while. My wife had a ONS prior to marriage, while dating, had a number of EA’s and a PA that I discovered in 2015. We went through 3 ddays over about 3 years and finally have moved to a better place in our relationship with the help of IC and trying to create an environment of honesty. 

Over the last 7-8 years, she has gained significant weight. She is short and has been over 200lbs. When we met, she was 110lbs and at her heaviest (about a year ago), she was 210-215lbs. I have stayed pretty close to my pre-dating weight (probably 10 or so pound heavier, and I am a tall, bigger framed man).

She gained weight through the dating years and of course when we had our one and only son (now almost 16). It never bothered me at all, I always found her attractive and we had a very healthy and active sex life. I’ve always been a pleaser, so I always try to make sure her needs are taken care of before mine.

Over the last 7-8 years, she put on a fair amount of weight, to the point she has a fairly large stomach. She does work out and is on medication to curb her appetite, but she does tend to use food as a coping mechanism. She works a stressful job and I can understand why she would use food as comfort. I am supportive with things like buying exercise equipment, memberships, I’ve bought her personal training sessions for a year, etc., trying to be supportive. I don’t buy crap food and have it around as I know this can be difficult for her.

Recently, she has been making comments about her weight and how bad she looks. I do support her and tell her that I love her and am attracted to her. The issue I’ve been having, after discovery of the affairs, is psychological ED. This happened right after dday 1. I am on medication that helps “get started”, but over the last 4-5 years or so, I’ve had a tough time finishing when we have sex. Staying power hasn’t been a problem for me in the past but this is a frustrating thing, I’m sure for her as much as me.

The weight gain has made the physical act of sex different (there are things we physically can’t really do), and I’m certainly fine with the change as our sex life changes as we get older.

I do know that her weight gain has had an impact on my attraction to her. I really hate to say this, I love this woman more than anything, but I can’t control what I find attractive. I know weight for women is a big deal and as mentioned, I have tried to be as supportive as possible (get out for walks, support diet changes, gym memberships, equipment, etc.), but there aren’t much in the way of changes. She does binge eat when life gets stressful, and I do try to recognize this and try to cook healthier food, mention that I could diet with her (I could probably stand to lose 5-10 lbs), but it is a re-occurring cycle.

Recently, she spoke to a Dr. about surgery. The Dr. told her she needed to lose 25-40 lbs before he would consider a surgical option. She has been sort of keeping to the diet recommendations but it has been tough for her. I also realize as we age, and more for women, it is much harder to lose the weight.

I guess what I’m asking is how do I approach this in as non judgemental way as possible. I know there is no way for me to bring this up with her that will not hurt her feelings, hence why I have NEVER brought it up. I have simply kept these feelings to myself and tried to support her as much as I can. But, this is affecting my attraction to her and has also impacted my libido. Her libido is also way down from ever an year ago, so I imagine this is all part of the aging process for both of us.

We were, for most of our relationship, having sex or other things 4-5 times per week. With both our libido’s being lower, it’s now once per week or less and many times, I have trouble finishing.

I’ve posted about this on other forums and been blasted for even thinking this way, but I suspect, if the genders were reversed, there would be different takes on our situation.

I know I can’t be completely honest with her. It would break her heart and I absolutely don’t want to do this. But, I know she is aware, she has eluded to this recently, and I’ve sort of side stepped the comments, which I know is sort of answering without answering. I’m just at a loss here. This isn’t something that would be a dealbreaker for me, not at all. If she were 400lbs, I would love her, she is my partner for life and will love her forever. But, this is affecting something in our relationship that has been important to both of us.

I would sincerely appreciate any feedback.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are an egg shell walker and a pleaser. Your wife started putting on weight as soon as y’all decided honesty was best. The bottom line is she didn’t care much about maintaining herself for you just like she didn’t care much about you when banging those guys. She didn’t mind staying trimmed up when she was on the prowl. It sounds to me like you will eat any amount of garbage she throws at you because you are too scared to take a stand on anything even if it causes you sexual disfunction and she is too damn fat to phuck.

I know two women that let themselves turn into livestock so their partner wouldn’t touch them. It’s a strange thing but I’ve seen it happen. 

What the hell is wrong with you? Get some balls dude.


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## Hurthusband77 (May 9, 2021)

Appreciate the feedback Mr.Married. To clarify, she wasn’t trim for her AP’s, the weight has been increasing over the years, not that it matters much. Our relationship has improved since we have dealt with the A’s, but this is one thing that all women are sensitive about, so I tried lightly. If a man comes out and is brutally honest about a woman’s weight gain, it doesn’t go well.
Trying to find a way to approach this without causing a lot of hurt feelings, but understand where you are coming from.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Just be honest and tell her you are not attracted to her.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Hurthusband77 said:


> I don’t post much here, but do post on another forum, but I’ve perused TAM for a long time.
> 
> I have an issue that I’d like some insight / advice from females.
> 
> ...


All I can suggest is taking the lead by leading a healthier lifestyle yourself and invite her along. She may not want to do it alone, because she thinks she will have to eat rabbit food while you get to scarf burgers. However, if you're willing to take the lead and go for walks and invite her along and make it a good time, she might join you and she will lose the weight while being focused on being with you. It will be good for you and her anyway, so there is nothing but gain.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

This is definitely a sensitive subject for women. But if your goal is to let her know how important it is to you for her to lose weight, you're going to have to be very tactful. Lead with what you said about loving her and wanting to be with her forever no matter what her weight is. But tell her you're worried about her health. Cite some statistics. Mention how much better she'd feel if she lost weight and how much more active you both could be in the bedroom. I don't think telling her you're not attracted to her anymore is a good idea. But if you must go there, say something along the lines of, "I'll always think you're beautiful. But you were even more incredibly beautiful when you were at a healthier weight." Then don't just offer to support her efforts, but lead her like jonty30 said.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look, the woman weights twice what she should. She KNOWS she's not only fat - but, morbidly obese. You aren't doing her any favors by pretending it isn't that bad. The next time she brings it up, tell her "Yes, the weight is getting in the way of sex and it's time you addressed it. Not only for our sex life; but ,also for your health and longevity." Let her cook her own meals - that's taking control of HER problem.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Make sure you have no snacks or unhealthy food in the house. I know for myself that if I have unhealthy food in the house I will eat it so I just dont buy it . If it's not there she can't have it. 
She does need to loose that initial weight to have that op. Go for a good walk with her every day. Buy healthy food only. No fizzy drinks. No cakes. No puddings. No chocolate. No takeaways or fast food. No white flour or white sugar. Wholemeal cereals, bread, rice and pasta only.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Look, the woman weights twice what she should. She KNOWS she's not only fat - but, morbidly obese. You aren't doing her any favors by pretending it isn't that bad. The next time she brings it up, tell her "Yes, the weight is getting in the way of sex and it's time you addressed it. Not only for our sex life; but ,also for your health and longevity." Let her cook her own meals - that's taking control of HER problem.


She doesn't care because she has issues. She eats to comfort herself. Until these issues are resolved, the outcome is bleak. My wife was the same. Once the kids left the nest and I wasn't in the picture any more, she doubled in size. And she is short too...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> She doesn't care because she has issues. She eats to comfort herself. Until these issues are resolved, the outcome is bleak. My wife was the same. Once the kids left the nest and I wasn't in the picture any more, she doubled in size. And she is short too...


What do you guys mean by short?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> What do you guys mean by short?


Like a little fat troll waddling about?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I


In Absentia said:


> Like a little fat troll waddling about?


I meant how tall!!!!
5ft? 5ft 2in?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I
> I meant how tall!!!!
> 5ft? 5ft 2in?


yes, something like that. To be honest, I have no idea how short my wife is... maybe 1.60 cm? I believe that's about 5.2?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What do you consider a fat waddling troll?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I once met a man that loves fat women. To him the fatter the better. I did ask him why, his response: I feel like I'm riding the waves in the ocean when I'm on top of them. Strange and funny, but it's real. There are men and cultures where to them fat is beautiful. I can't remember where in Africa, but there's a country where since birth the girls are fed camel's milk to fatten them because when they become of age if they are not fat enough they won't get suitors.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Like a little fat troll waddling about?


There was just no way this would help! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Gaining a HUNDRED pounds is sure to cause attraction problems in a marriage. She is delusional if she doesn't know this.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

snowbum said:


> What do you consider a fat waddling troll?


Something like this?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thunderchad said:


> Just be honest and tell her you are not attracted to her.


I 


Hurthusband77 said:


> upport her and tell her that I love her and am attracted to her. The issue I’ve been having, after discovery of the affairs, is psychological ED


her weight is one thing her affairs are another which would make her less attractive to you!


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

It sounds as though your wife is obese, and there is no reason to feel ashamed about not being attracted to someone who has gained ~100 pounds over the course of your marriage.

That said, 3 D-days in 3 years and no mention of MC (only IC) and I have to wonder what the real issue is. It sounds like your wife has checked out of the marriage and it could be that your ED (finishing problems) are tied to the lack of trust you must surely be feeling at some level. Getting over one betrayal is sometimes possible, but 3 such instances indicates that your wife is a serial cheater, with little chance of changing. She may lack opportunity, but this does not make her a faithful partner.

What is stopping you from getting into MC and seeing if things can be repaired or if it's best you each go your own way?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Sorry....live with it or feel rid of it...


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I ment to say live with it or get rid of it


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Hurthusband77 said:


> I don’t post much here, but do post on another forum, but I’ve perused TAM for a long time.
> 
> I have an issue that I’d like some insight / advice from females.
> 
> ...


Since you can’t fix another person (including your wife) let’s focus on what you can control, you.

Why have you chosen to be such a weak and passive man that would tolerate your wife betraying you 3 times (that you know of), and keep taking her back?
Why would you tolerate that situation in your marriage and in your life?

And then on top of that, why you have chosen to tolerate your unfaithful, cheating wife becoming grossly, morbidly obese, to the point that she is unattractive even to you.
And you have done nothing about it. And you have said nothing about it.
You continue to reassure her and are more worried about her feelings, and not rocking the (rickety piece of crap) boat, then the reality of your attraction for her, your marital/sexual satisfaction, your own dignity as a man, and even her health.

Honestly, why are your standards so low?
Why do you have such a glaring lack of self-respect and personal dignity to tolerate all of this?

Do you not realize how ridiculous your situation is, and how ridiculous it is that you have passively accepted all of this?


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