# I feel lost



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I feel "lost" sums it all up really...

We are 5 months out from my H's EA. MC has helped things. We're past the worst of it and things are reasonabky steady. I'm able to look forward now instead of torturing myself about what happened, why, and how I responded. I feel better and my H has been supportive.

So WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

I feel like I can't allow myself to be happy with him. Every time we are on an up, I find some issue that is bothering me which brings things down.

My issues are valid, not relationship-threatening, but whilst I can see they *are* valid, I can also see I am literally bombarding my H with problem after problem. I wonder if on some level I am testing him to see how much he will endure, to prove he *is* a great guy and nothing like the one who had the EA. 

I crave his attention. Sounds crazy coming from a grown woman doesn't it? I am torn between telling him I love him and adore him and keeping it to myself to stop being so open with my feelings ( he is the "cooler" one out of us.) He likes my little texts and notes and stuff, but I wish just once I'd pick up my phone and see a "love you loads" text. Or a call like that when he's at work.

He *does* show affection via acts of service. I appreciate what he does and tell him so. He has no foresight and is terrible at planning. I crave for him to do something that shows he has thought about me and made an effort. Plan a date. Plan quality time. I honestly believe if I never planned another date night for us, we'd never go out on a date again. He consistently forgets/ignores my requests for him to come to bed earlier wirh me just once or twice a week. He will acquiesce and say I am right, we should have early nights together, but "old habits die hard."

I know he notices when I step back a bit. But I cannot fathom how to strike a balance between being cooler and just withdrawing affection altogether. 

He is so laidback. If he ever does have any particular gripes, which is not often, I make sure to take care of it. He mentioned he wished I'd take out the trash from the day before he got in from work. So I do. He said I didn't wear pretty lingerie as much, so I have made sure I do this. Doesn't make him want to come to bed earlier though! 

I just wish I could shake this lack of self-esteem. I feel he should continue to show me post-EA that I am the one for him and he knows I struggle with feeling second best. But for the most part he trundles along, happy, and any requests from me are seen as an obstacle to him.

I read something MEM11363 (?) wrote about your spouse being your priority, and therefore your needs being their priority. I know if I said that to him he'd say he has so much to do and think about and he can't always priotituse what I want. That there's more to life than "just" our M and I should focus on the positives (ie stop mentioning I'm unhappy.)

What do I do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Have you tried letting him know that his love languages are not your love languages and what yours are? He probably thinks he's showing you love because he's doing things that make him feel loved, but it's not making you feel loved and secure in your marriage.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yeah. We have discussed love languages a lot. He knows all this, it comes up regularly. I have learned to understand and appreciate the things he does but truthfully I do not always notice when he is doing something: nit's not that I'm not looking out for stuff but sometimes I don't realise something he is doing is a caring 
gesture. He hasn't converted his caring gestures into my love language which I think may be part of the trouble.

I feel terribly upset when he rebuffs my requests. It feels like confirmation that I'm not that important to him (evoking emotions from right after his EA.) I don't expect his entire world to revolve around me but it would be nice to see he continues to support me with building up my self-esteem. Him showing me loving gestures I need helps with this. I do worry that looking forward the rest of our days together will consist of him being like this and me feeling deprioritized and not knowing what to do to make it better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Core issue sounds like security.

When we are secure in our relationships, we don't question much of anything.

Once you have the rug pulled out from under you ... it's a different story.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Core issue sounds like security.
> 
> When we are secure in our relationships, we don't question much of anything.
> 
> Once you have the rug pulled out from under you ... it's a different story.



I think you may be right Deejo. I don't think of him as a "cheater", not the type (oh the irony!) He made bad choices and knows that. But what he did was so far departed from what *either* of us thought he was capable of, it's like I don't know what to think anymore.

I don't doubt he loves and cares for me. I do doubt if he can show this in the ways I want and need. I think pre-EA, hadI asked him to come to bed earlier for quality time, and he didn't, I would have thought he was being a bit of a prick, we'd have probably argued a bit and sorted it. Now, the fact he doesn't takes on a different meaning and says to me that he doesn't prioritize me or make the effort with the heavy lifting like he should.

Writing this, I am suddenly realizing that I bet to him, he hasn't framed any of this in the same way. In fact I'd put money on saying if I pointed out what he wasn't doing and how it made me feel, he'd be surprised. Maybe it's the jolt he needs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A couple of days later and I feel quite down. I worry I am getting depressed. I feel like now everything appears to be on an even keel regarding the effects of his EA, that I am sliding into some kind of depression.

Some of the old feelings are resurfacing. I looked at him yesterday playing with the kids and they were having so much fun, and I felt a wave of anger. Anger because what he did nearly broke up the family, and anger because he can carry on and not think about it, and I feel like he has left me with a legacy that I never wanted nor asked for.

He has been quite attentive these last two days. By way of effort he seems to have stepped it up. He says I need to think of the positives and I do but it still hits me like a tidal wave sometimes what he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I feel lost too....

You are not alone... I don't know why our spouses go what they do...Its almost as if they don't care. I'm the same as you sometimes ok and sometimes inner rage sets in. Sucks getting up 3:45am because you were knocked down for sex the night before even though its been 4 months. Now I have to face the day and get the happy face on to hope to maybe possibly have sex tonite with my wife... its a vicious cycle. I get the rug pulled daily in some form or another.

I guess I just want you to know your feelings are justified and until our spouses somehow heal our pain... its all on them... our feelings are justified. I have it a little easier as when and if my spouse decides sex with her husband is a good idea... I can move on.

In your case any infidelity can rock you to the core, that is a trust that should never be broken while married just like the expectation of sex from your spouse. I understand where you are coming from. You have every right to go through this in waves. I'm sure your husband is doing his best and probably really sorry but fact is the guy is a cheater... can't ever be trusted again. He fell in love with another woman while married. He was weak and he was not caring about his family or you. he ran away from his problems to another woman.
He is a mess. Plus he never got your needs right in the first place. 

I guess possibly he can "justify" what he did had you not provided enough love over the years in ways he felt it. But I have no sympathy for him.... I would never cheat on my wife. I might end up divorcing her but never cheat on her as i made her a promise. 
Even though she is literally starving me of affection while I bust my butt attending to her needs.

I don't know if this helps but to say I understand... you are not weird. You have to do what is right for you. I'm not sure if I could forgive a cheater... thats just me. BTW EA's are almost worse than PA's because of the emotional connection. He is predisposed to be weak in this area.

Good luck... hope you find inner peace one day.
You deserve it.

Either way your husband deserves a decision too. If you can't get past the thoughts of infidelity it probably is best to part ways. You deserve someone who won't do this to you. There are guys who believe in marriage vows. Maybe set a deadline and if healing doesn't happen you simply move on... it'd be best for all involved. You can't live a lie.

BTW he has no right to tell you how to think! He should only act and work his butt off. He deserves a big kick or smack upside the head. If he doesn't show remorse and still can't get how to provide your needs... I'd boot him right out the door.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to "recover"from an affair. Do not play it down just because it was an EA. It was a huge betrayal and this early on, it is no wonder you are still very upset. It is incredibly early in the recovery process, not even 10% yet/

What is your H doing to repair what he broke?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

walkingwounded said:


> He has been quite attentive these last two days. By way of effort he seems to have stepped it up. He says I need to think of the positives and I do but it still hits me like a tidal wave sometimes what he did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WHY did he do what he did?

I have said many times here that an affair is seldom the problem. It is the result of a problem.

I'm not blaming you for anything, but generally, something is usually amiss in the marriage that leads to the decision to stray. Do you know what that is/was?

You can't possibly move forward if you haven't forgiven him. Importantly, your forgiveness is far more for YOU than it is for him. It isn't about sweeping what happened under the rug. If you need to feel angry ... go ahead and feel angry. But you can't keep throwing logs on that fire or it will burn you up as well.

If you are unable to let it go, it will consume you, and take with it the very thing you were trying to save - your marriage.

Sounds like he is invested in reconciling. Do you believe this as well or do you have doubts?

Are you currently in therapy? If not, I would urge you to consider it.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thank you guys. Your messages mean a lot.

I don't want to downplay his EA, but it got nipped in the bud before it got terribly far. He wasn't in love, more like attraction, but having said that, what really got me were the lies. It's a cliche but I would never have had him down as the type and he was never a liar. I can see his remorse and frankly embarrassment now that he let it get that far, he feels incredibly stupid as he didn't realize what was happening at first and it took him a while to realize.

He has and is doing heavy lifting and we have been going to MC. We eased off the MC as the counselor felt we were doing really well and we didn't need her help. I felt we were reaching some kind of "resolution" if you like, for me a way of dealing with things that actually worked. On the whole my H is good. We do have odd moments where I have been annoyed at him, a particular example was not long ago when I picked up his phone whilst he was driving, to look at something on the net he asked. I did so and after I'd done I started having what was really an idle browse on his phone. He got a bit cross and said he didn't want me to, he's entitled to his privacy. I was pretty angry. Not because I thought he was hiding anything, because I don't but it really hit home to me that for me, this is going to be with me for a long time, whereas for him it's simply in the past, a series of stupid choices about a pretty girl that for him is long gone.

I have forgiven him. It took some time but I can say I forgive him for what he did. I don't *like* it of course, but I accept it happened and understand why he did the things he did and said the things he said. The "why"? He said he wasn't happy with his life at that time. It was nothing to do with me he says. Rather he wasn't happy with how things had gone, the place he was, his everyday drudgery if you like. She came along and was rather blatant in letting him know how he felt and it was a great distraction. He was flattered to know he'd still "got it." 

...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I am only going on 9 weeks on my H's EA and we are not doing very well. He downplays it saying it was only friends. He said she is good friend ( that I never knew about) from his past, and he enjoyed talking to her.
He will ask me "what's on your mind" when he knows I'm feeling extra down and then when I ask a question about it or mention it, he blows up and yells and doesn't want to keep being prosecuted for it. He says that if I want to end our marriage over his conversations with her then i need to figure out what I want to do. He says the only thing he did wrong was to deceive me and hide it. 

He doesn't feel like he did anything wrong other than that. Since he "says" there is or never was any physical attraction to her.
So he tells me he won't come home to stress and keep having this thrown in his face. So I need to figure out if I want to stay married or not.
I am very lost and feel cheated on and he doesn't want to understand that and help me get through this time.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I am only going on 9 weeks on my H's EA and we are not doing very well. He downplays it saying it was only friends. He said she is good friend ( that I never knew about) from his past, and he enjoyed talking to her.
> He will ask me "what's on your mind" when he knows I'm feeling extra down and then when I ask a question about it or mention it, he blows up and yells and doesn't want to keep being prosecuted for it. He says that if I want to end our marriage over his conversations with her then i need to figure out what I want to do. He says the only thing he did wrong was to deceive me and hide it.
> 
> He doesn't feel like he did anything wrong other than that. Since he "says" there is or never was any physical attraction to her.
> ...


I'd at this point call his bluff... tell him you want him to separate and leave the house (give him two weeks to find a place) so you can in peace consider your options.... you may not have to go through with it but he guy needs to know this is a potential deal breaker. Right now he is trying to bully you.. so bully back! Be strong...he's the screw up.

Let reality smack him upside the head!
Pretty sure he'll see the light at that point.


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