# Don't want marriage to end, but drifting apart



## chicagopsychologygirl (Apr 17, 2011)

My husband and I have been drifting apart recently. We have been together for 5 years and been happy for the vast majority of that time. Currently I am finishing my bachelors degrees and I am scheduled to start a doctorate program in the Fall. My husband is a mid level manager in retail and used to be in the marines. He would like to get into contracting and construction sometime soon, but because of the economy has not yet pursued that (though he has experience with it from his youth, so that is not out of the question). I feel that he is always saying he is too tired to do something. He is not spontaneous and is only outgoing when he is drinking. He loves to drink beer and relax, but he does not think he has a problem. I havent decided if I think he has a problem or not yet, he may, but I may be unwilling to admit it, or he may just be enjoying himself still (we are both only in our mid 20s, so its not like this isnt unusual behavior for our age). But i feel like the passion in our relationship is no longer there.

It is hard to get him to go out and have fun, or be motivated to try new things. Whenever we try to make plans in advance, it is always his work that is in the way. That is fine and normal, but I feel like he doesnt even try sometimes because he just assumes work is in the way. He wouldnt even come out one night for our friends birthday to the bars because he was too tired and had to wake up early for work (even though he had to get up at 11am, not early, for his 1pm shift). I know he loves his sleep, but he rarely ever makes exceptions and always uses sleep as an excuse, no matter how little or much sleep he will get. He also will never be the DD, we argue frequently about this, then when he gives in and is the DD he is a negative nancy the whole time we are out and wants to leave early. 

He is great to me, lets not get this wrong. Not abusive in any way, and definitely cares. He gives me my freedom, which I need because of how independent an individual I am, and he helps around the house. But I feel like the spark is gone. We rarely have sex anymore, maybe once a month, maybe less (and this is my fault). I am not feeling the attraction to partake in those relations more often than not. I want our sex life to improve, but I dont know how to change my desires. I wish he had more depth and other interests aside from relaxing, TV, and drinking. I would love to go out, dancing, drinking out, hiking, anything. It doesnt help that I am continuing my education, and it is very important to me, but he only has a high school degree. He is willing to go back to college one day, but only because I want him to use the GI bill. He has no passion for the matter.

To make things worse, I feel like I am falling for our best friend. Our best friend is both my husbands and my best friend. He has been there for both of us in different ways and we both know him individually. I am not in love with him (the friend), I know this. We started out with a brother sister type relationship, but lately that has grown. I honestly think my feelings are just extended from that close relationship, because I do not often think of him sexually, but rather I think of how it would feel to be in his arms and be consoled by him, or go out on the town and enjoy myself with him. I think because he has solidly been there for me, I feel this strongly for him. He even knows of my feelings of drifting away, though he does not know of my feelings for him. Sometimes I think he has feelings for me too. I would never act on this, nor would he, but it is still hard having this longing feeling.

I want my relationship with my husband to be better. I want to have butterflies and experience sheer joy with him again. I have tried talking to him, but it doesnt work. He either misinterprets what I'm saying and it turns into a fight because he focuses on how unhappy I am. I try to be delicate when we talk about this, but I dont think we are on the same page with our feelings (I think he is happier), so we arent seeing eye to eye and instead of it being a needed constructive conversation, it turns into an argument trying to get each other to understand. I dont know what to do.


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## chicagopsychologygirl (Apr 17, 2011)

advice please


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

OK, Take a deep breath. Stay away from your friend until you figure out your marriage. It will only screw things up if you want to be married. Get you and your husband into marriage counseling pronto! You guys are not communicating your basic needs to each other. There are many ways to figure this out but seeing an MC is the best way to get it started. Start reading. Try reading the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Chapman for starters... Marriage is a lot of work!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Gets some MC and for your marriage stay away from said best friend. He may be a great support but talking about you marriage problems with him instead of your husband will turn out bad.

Expectations bring resentment. Marraige is work and don't take the easy way out by talking to said best friend. As you said it is hard talking to your H about things that need to be talked about so let him know that if he doesn't listen someone else will. Warn him time and time again it will be hard but if you take the easy way out and confide with your best friend it will only lead to more unappropraite feelings.

I understand its so easy b/c "friend" listen and isn't cofrontational like your husabnd. Thats why they call it hard work. So please distance your self from this "friend" if not one day the both of you will be saying "we didn't mean it to happen".

Please please please take the hard road and deal with your marriage only with your H, leave best friend out of it, get some MC and the rewards will be ten fold then taking the easy way and risking an affair.

It is so easy to b*tch and complain about your marriage to someone that at the time just wants to help but then and soon it will head in a direction that you never wanted to and can't control.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I would also suggest the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It helped me a lot in understanding some of the fundamental differences between the needs of men and women. I actually liked it better than "5 Love Languages".


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