# Not in love with my husband



## Sunshine41

I recently discovered this site and have been reading lots of great (and not so great!) advice! Here is my situation, and I'm really looking for some clarification and/or advice from other members. 
My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and have 4 children and are both in our mid-40's. We were dating for 4 months when we got engaged, although we had known each other for about 10 years before that. To condense a very long story, we were never really "in sync" with each other. I was an active alcoholic when we were dating and during our first year of marriage. We partied together and that was the basis of our relationship. I've been sober for the past 14 years with not a lot of support from him, once I actually stopped drinking. The real issue is - and this has been very hard for me to admit - that I don't think I was ever in love with my husband. I've compared my feelings to those I've had for 2 previous boyfriends and I know in my heart that the "real true love" part of our relationship was never there for me. It truly does sicken me to think that I made such a huge life decision while being in the throes of active alcholism. 

For the past many years, my husband and I have gotten by operating our marriage almost like a business deal. I wanted the children, the house and all the "stuff". He wanted to be able to drink nightly with nobody to answer to. There was never any real affection between us at all. I took care of the house and kids, along with working part-time, and also doing the officework for his business. He is an extremely hard worker and wonderful provider, financially.

After much research and counseling, I told him I wanted to divorce last spring. His reaction was one of total devastation. He completely fell apart, to the point where he was hospitalized for a few days. We've gone to counseling, but that only works if both people want the relationship to work, and I can't seem to put my heart into something that was never there in the first place. He has made every change imaginable and I am so grateful to him for that. He stopped drinking, showers me with affection and shows that he really does love me and wants to make a life with me.

I'm at the point now where I need to decide whether it is in everyone's best interest (his and the kids') for us to stay together. I will never love him in the way a wife should love a husband (and I don't mean the "head over heels" infatuation that comes at the beginning of a relationship). Financially, we are very, very lucky to be able to maintain our current lifestyle even living in two households. I would want everything to be done fairly, including joint physical custody of our children - I don't believe that if a man is a great father he should be relegated to seeing his children on a strict schedule of every other weekend and Wednesdays. He is a great father NOW, and I'm pretty certain that this change is permanent. 

I am scared to death of losing this "new" caring, compassionate, patient person - and, no doubt about it, he has made tremendous changes, both physically and mentally. If I proceed with the divorce, he may very well turn on me and treat me as he has during most of the marriage; as someone he can control and ridicule. 

So, do I stay and try to make a life for ourselves or leave (he wants the house) with my children? I feel I should be grateful for what I have and try to make it work.  I'm so confused and upset and I apologize for this long, long post. I'm in counseling, but nobody can really make this decision for me, and I realize that. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from others who have gone through this, and I can't ask friends - it's a small town and I feel like I'd be betraying him by talking to too many people who have gone through a divorce, but, that know us both.

Thanks for reading - sorry for the long post!


----------



## Brewster 59

Well he must really love you a lot to make all of those changes. How do the kids feel about you 2 divorcing? Do not decieve yourself D will not be easy, you 2 will probably not end up being friends. Humm Im guessing but, have found someone else your intrested in?


----------



## Sunshine41

The the two older children (boys, 11 and 9) were told about the divorce because my H packed his suitcases that first day the subject came up - waited for them to get home from school, told them he was leaving - crying, the whole bit. It was awful and not at all what I expected to happen. Of course they were pretty upset, but I tried to comfort them by saying that we would still live in the same town, they would still go to the same schools and that they would be able to see their Dad anytime that they wanted to. I spent a lot of time trying to answer their questions as best I could, considering the uncertainty of the situation. He ended up calling a few hours later and asked to come home, which, I thought was for the best - I couldn't let that be the last memory they had of him in this house. I don't even fault him for doing that, although I was pretty pissed at the time - I realize now that he was completely blindsided and handled it the only way he could. The kids have actually brought the subject up on more than a few occasions - the jist of what they say is "we don't care if you and Dad get divorced, we just want you to be nice to each other and we want to be able to have our friends, sports, school, etc. stay the same". I know that this attitude is probably going to change, and things won't be as easy as that, but I took it as a positive sign for now.
As for there being someone else, there really isn't anyone. That is another aspect of this whole ordeal that scares me. With four young children, meeting and falling in love with someone would be a challenge, for sure. So, the prospect of spending a lot of time alone (maybe a lifetime) has to be considered. On the other hand, I fear that if I do stay in the marriage, there is the possiblility that I will meet someone...and then, what a mess that would be. We've come this far without having to deal with infidelity and to add that at this point....I don't think I could live with myself. Thinking about this all the time, I'm on the verge of tears 50% of my waking hours and the whole situation is making me a nervous wreck, which is not my personality at all. Thanks so much for your reply - I see a lot of good advice to others on here, so I'm hoping I can get some objective clarification (if there is such a thing).


----------



## Amplexor

In reality you have only known your husband (In his current sober state) for a few months. With years of bad behavior it is likely you are not ready to accept that this is the real deal hence your confusion about staying in the marriage. With his commitment to you and your marriage, I would give things more time to play out. Even though you feel you never really loved him, you have made a life for yourselves and brought 4 children into the world. I think that deserves time and effort. It might be a good idea to enter into counseling for some guidance.


----------



## unbelievable

I think marriage means different things at different times. Some people get weak in the knees over their partners but don't actually like or respect them and couldn't run a household for 15 years with them. If I had something that worked (even imperfectly) for 15 years, I'd hang onto it. Honestly, both of you could probably "do better", but what you have found obviously works. It aint perfect but nothing is. If you both are committed enough to hang onto each other for 15 years, you're both committed and stubborn enough to improve what you have.


----------



## Brewster 59

Amplexor said:


> In reality you have only known your husband (In his current sober state) for a few months. With years of bad behavior it is likely you are not ready to accept that this is the real deal hence your confusion about staying in the marriage. With his commitment to you and your marriage, I would give things more time to play out. Even though you feel you never really loved him, you have made a life for yourselves and brought 4 children into the world. I think that deserves time and effort. It might be a good idea to enter into counseling for some guidance.


:iagree:, Maybe a trial seperation? but really it might be better to give this situation some time to see if he stlcks with these changes also to see if there is a person in there that you could love. With 4 children to raise it would be to both your advantage if it is possible to do it together.


----------



## GoDucks

An idea... Because I don't know the answer... 

Our counselor gave us Marriage Encounter - type exercises to do a few times per week. They were questions that are asked, about varying aspects of your life, and you answer them in a love letter format. While it hasn't fixed our issues, it does help remind both of you about all the things you have on the 'plus side'... 

If there is any way to grow and build with someone that holds so much history, it seems worth the effort. 

Is there something you aren't saying? What would you hope to have, given that you entered this with your own set of issues? Are you still upset that he didn't support the changes you made years ago, and you had to ask for the changes he finally decided to make?


----------



## Sunshine41

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses; I know I still have a lot to think about and your suggestions and ideas are really helpful - I'm so glad I found this site.


----------



## miss smiley

Sunshine41 said:


> Thank you all for your thoughtful responses; I know I still have a lot to think about and your suggestions and ideas are really helpful - I'm so glad I found this site.


Hi Sunshine41: I just came across this post and feel in the same position as you are/were. I am hoping you can share what has happened since your last posting-please. Hope you will check back on this site soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kekel1123

My wife told me that too.she even made an example to our only daughter. (She's 8) about a friend having her parents D or seperated and she don't like it.we've been married for 9 years.were both on our early40's there a lot going on on our life,like financial (BK), both our work are unstable now and her dad has been diagnosed with Cancer stage 3.fighting has been prevalent over the past few months.were basically living as roomates.she doesn't want D and me either.her status in fb is still married and she still wears her our wedding ring(during our past arguments she don't wear it).do I have to believe her and move on or just hang on and be patient? I was thinking with all the stress ,plus probably mid life crisis maybe on both of us I'm doing individual and grou couselling right now.she does not want to do it even marriage counselling and I can't force her.any advise ls?thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

kekel1123 said:


> do I have to believe her and move on or just hang on and be patient? I was thinking with all the stress ,plus probably mid life crisis maybe on both of us I'm doing individual and grou couselling right now.she does not want to do it even marriage counselling and I can't force her.any advise ls?thanks!


kekel, You don't have to believe her but there's really no reason not to. However, there are a lot of things you can consider doing about this and all of them are better than moving on. Start with making yourself more lovable.


----------



## kekel1123

Ten_year_hubby said:


> kekel, You don't have to believe her but there's really no reason not to. However, there are a lot of things you can consider doing about this and all of them are better than moving on. Start with making yourself more lovable.


Thanks dude. I think I will start to do that!I will Post any progress from time to time! :smthumbup:


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

kekel1123 said:


> Thanks dude. I think I will start to do that!I will Post any progress from time to time! :smthumbup:


Excellent. Check out chapter 3 
Boundaries in Marriage - Google Books
and keep us posted


----------



## kekel1123

Thanks for the link! I appreciate it!


----------

