# My wife has cheated on me and lied about it.I am crushed, and desperately need advice



## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

I apologize for what is going to be a long post. So much has happened that I feel I can't adequately summarize it. So I guess I'll get started with all the terrible details.

To get started I am 31 and my wife is 26. We have been together for eight years, lived together for seven, and been married for five months.

We recently moved to a new city after my wife was hired for a new position. The position requires occasional travel which has never been an issue in the past. For the move I moved away from my friends and family. I was ok with this, but now having them 300 miles away is several complicating things for me. I am in a new place with very few aquintances here and no one I feel I know well enough to talk about an issue of this enormity.

Three months ago my wife went out of town on business for the first time. She was to be gone three weeks, but back on weekend. A bit of background info here I am a recovering alcoholic. When she left I found myself alone with no support network and promptly relapsed. I was drunk almost all of her time out of time to various degrees. We did our best to keep in touch during my lucid moments but I frequently was not available to her because of my alcoholism.

When she returned on weekends everything seemed ok, but there was on incident looking back that should have been an obvious warning sign. One night she sent me a text message that she was working late which is no unusual. Later in the evening and into the night I tried to call and text her but she did not respond. I was sick with worry and did eventually get to sleep only to wake up and see she had still not contacted me. I eventually was able to get her on the phone and she claimed that she had been exhausted from work and promptly fell asleep. This was incredibly unlike her and I remained concerned, but she returned that weekend and things did appear to return to normal. I sobered up and pulled myself together and we continued to move forward.

Until several days later when I was putting up her luggage. I found a package for the morning after pill. Being a married couple and not aware that she had taken it it was immediately apparent what had happened.

I confronted her about it and she immediately clammed up. I understand that she was in shock, but after repeated questioning she did admit that she had cheated. She claimed she had met a man via the internet for the express purpose of sex and gone through with it. Meeting the man a total of three times over the course of her three weeks.

This was shocking, terrible. I was crushed. This was so, so unlike her. As we talked further she did eventually open up more and we were able to discuss further and try to understand what happened. She claimed she didn't fully understand why she had done it. She was alone out of town stuck in a hotel room and felt lonely. And she acted on that in the worst way possible.

After a lot of long walks and chain smoking I decided I could bounce back from this. I could forgive her, and with time and some professional help we could rebuild. Things would never be the same, but they didn't have to necessarily be worse. We talked, and set an appointment and did lots more talking.

Until two days later. My wife accidentally left her e-mail logged in. I did not feel right reading her e-mail, but I just wanted to try to understand what had happened. That's when I discovered an e-mail correspondence with another man from those three weeks away. I was infuriated, I was shaking with rage when I called her demanding answers. I demanded that she leave work to come home and explain this. She returned, and confessed that there was a third. When I asked why she had lied when we had clearly decided full disclosure was the only way we could move forward and she stated that she felt I would be too angry. That she was going to tell me, but wanted some additional time to things to cool down. It was at that point that she told me there was also a third man from the business trip.

I was utterly destroyed. It was like the wound that had barely began to heal was reopened and made even worse. The rage, confusion and shock I felt were beyond anything I have ever experienced. It was total and utter emotional collapse.

Since then we have talked further. We are going to get counselling and see how we can go forward. The extent of the shame, anger and confusion I feel is something I am struggling to deal with. We've talked further and there have been lots of questions. I do feel at this point she is answering honestly, but I still have the feeling looming that there is another shoe waiting to drop some place here. I am also utterly disgusted with myself. I keep myself busy but when I find myself idle the image of my wife with another man slowly bubbles up in my mind and the pain goes from a dull throb to a loud roar.

I am still not certain I want to continue this marriage, but I have decided to commit fully and honestly to counselling. My wife says that she deeply regrets her actions and it will never happen again. She also says she has fully committed to counselling. 

I am still a wreck, and my wife is showing signs of depression. Does anyone have advice on how to move forward? Anything I can do to cope in those times where I find myself idle? Obviously any sense of trust I had for her is gone. After something like this can that be rebuilt?

I apologize for posting such a large post. I'm afraid all the sordid details are rather extensive as can be seen from the post.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't beso quick to accept you know everything, it's very unlikely that you do, especially since she has trickle truthed you already.


She needs to hand over all passwords and accounts to you and do so immediately. She doesn't get a chance to first clean them up.
Especially to the Craig's list account she used to find these men. You need to read those messages and learn what she said, how she went about it.

I find it unlikely that she just happened to have all these guys suddenly on her trip. It's much more likely she's been at this sort of thing fir a long time, but the trip offered her a chance to really go to town.

Obviously she did it bareback and let them finish inside her.

You both must be tested for STDs now and HIV own the road on the months to come.

She will also have to leave the job. Since it requires travel you won't be able to trust her beng away or a very very long time. So the job and travelling must end.

There is something very very disturbed in anyone who would hook up with strangers on Craigslist. That's beyond her having a relationship with someone else. To meet a unknown guy and have unprotected sex is frankly just so incredible stupid, it border on self inflicted destruction.

She needs very deep therapy to get to the bottom of why she would put herself and you at such risk.

Don't be quick to decide on taking her back after this. Get the full long story of her betrayal, how long she's been at this and how many men before you think about staying. Right now you just don't know enough truth about this alternate lifestyle she's been living.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Don't be quick to decide on taking her back after this. Get the full long story of her betrayal, how long she's been at this and how many men before you think about staying. Right now you just don't know enough truth about this alternate lifestyle she's been living.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do feel I have gotten the full story at this point. What is so shocking to me is that she would just suddenly act out like this out of the blue. That is why I have a feeling of dread over what looms on the horizon. But while she did initially trickle truth me I do feel she has come clean and continues to answer my questions honestly.

There have been a lot of tears, a lot of apologies and things have been very intense. I have been over her e-mail and phone list(I didn't realize a Craigslist account would save message history so I will check that. I expect it to be painful.).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> This was so, so unlike her.


I do hope so.

You need to verify this, however.

Sorry for your pain.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

SimpleGnome said:


> To get started I am 31 and my wife is 26. We have been together for eight years, lived together for seven, and* been married for five months.*




Married 5 months. Cheated after 2 months of marriage.

Shouldnt she still be in the honeymoon stage of the marriage? 

And yet, she's already cheating on you. Not a good sign for the future.

Annul the marriage and move on. She has already shown herself at such a young age of not capable of loyalty or faithfulness.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

aug said:


> Married 5 months. Cheated after 2 months of marriage.
> 
> Shouldnt she still be in the honeymoon stage of the marriage?
> 
> ...


In her defense(which she has very little of) we had been together a long time and settled into a life. Transitioning from a couple that lived together to a married couple was not a big life change for us.

That said that the vows had been so recent and that the ring should still have been heavy on her hand make it so, so much worse.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

So sorry you find yourself in this position. Shaggy is spot on. I've made all the fatal mistakes in reconciliation(R).

Don't be quick to forgive and go into R.
Don't be so trusting. You'll learn about the 180. There's a line in there which proved in my case to be painfully accurate. It says " believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see".
Learn about trickle truth. Basically, your wife most likely is telling you as little as she thinks she has to.

You've found the right place for help. Plenty of good advice will come your way. Good luck.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

SimpleGnome

*I highly recommend that you forgive your wife. NOT so much for her BUT FOR YOU!*

Your number one action should be to build your self up body mind and spirit. Get yourself in shape because you really cannot change your wife at all. You or nobody else knows if your wife is going to really change so that she can be a real good wife for you. You can only change you.

In addition you cannot help her if you are a wreak yourself. The only positive action you can take at this time is to work on you. If your wife is serious and successful then you will be in a much better position to do your part if you are strong. If your wife fails then you will be strong enough to make it through and begin another life. Millions have done that and so can you.

The last thing you want to do is too get so depressed that you will be no good for yourself or anyone else. Life at times is about you and God and nobody else. *Stop depending on another person to be so much of your life that they can crush you with their bad choices.*

The only solid relationship that will always build you up and sustain you is with you and God. *Do not trust humans 100% with your soul and life*


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Has this been an ongoing pattern in your relationship of the both of you 'acting out' when the other person isn't there? She isn't controlling herself sexually, you aren't controlling yourself with drinking. Just wondering if this type of behavior is the normal dynamic, playing parent or even in some crazy way saying 'look at how lost I am without you!!!'


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

OP - how long ago is it since you found the pill package (your D-day)?

Also; do you have kids?

You are on board for a very rough ride, friend, so I agree that you need to focus on your own well being physically and menthally.

1. Get tested for STD, I suggest you go together - it kind of puts things into perspective.

2. Be sure to eat, work out, have time on your own to think and process things - I used to walk out in the blue day and night, which served all purposes.

3. Understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Many, myself included, tend to forget that in the heat of the moment.

That would be it for the moment from me - I will get back to you later reading your updates.

Hang in there.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

LastUnicorn said:


> Has this been an ongoing pattern in your relationship of the both of you 'acting out' when the other person isn't there? She isn't controlling herself sexually, you aren't controlling yourself with drinking. Just wondering if this type of behavior is the normal dynamic, playing parent or even in some crazy way saying 'look at how lost I am without you!!!'


After going over her e-mail, Craigslist postings, phone etc tonight I think a pattern has emerged. In the past she has exchanged nude pictures with strangers over the internet. I didn't find any other indication of further cheating beyond that, but I think there definitely is a pattern here.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

cpacan said:


> OP - how long ago is it since you found the pill package (your D-day)?
> 
> Also; do you have kids?
> 
> ...


No kids. Thank god. I have also been tested and am clean. Thank god for that as well.

Thank you for your support. I have found myself having a lot of trouble sleeping and forgetting to eat. Since I pulled myself together I have been getting a lot more exercise at least which has given me time to clear my head and try to put things in perspective.

Also, my D-Day was 7/12. The second revelation was on 7/16.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> No kids. Thank god. I have also been tested and am clean. Thank god for that as well.
> 
> Thank you for your support. I have found myself having a lot of trouble sleeping and forgetting to eat. Since I pulled myself together I have been getting a lot more exercise at least which has given me time to clear my head and try to put things in perspective.


How long since D-day?


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

cpacan said:


> How long since D-day?


Sorry, I realized I had neglected to answer this and edited my post to add it. Looks like you are quicker at the keyboard.

July 12 was my D-Day.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> After going over her e-mail, Craigslist postings, phone etc tonight I think a pattern has emerged. In the past she has exchanged nude pictures with strangers over the internet. I didn't find any other indication of further cheating beyond that, but I think there definitely is a *pattern here.*


That's not good. You see, my STBXH has a "pattern" as well. It's like a drug. The attention from members of the opposite sex. The "ego trip" to hear OW (in my case) whispering in his ear (cell phone), chatting with him on line. The sneaky way they get around the BS (betrayed spouse), who is supposed to think that they can be trusted (again). They can't be trusted.

My point is that, even if you choose to forgive and move on with your W, there is still that "draw" to go back to that attention again, just like your drinking. This is the second (and the last) time for my STBXH to be drawn into that attention.

I was married 28 years. Yours is relatively new. We have children together. You do not. Do you really want a life with this woman while constantly "looking over your shoulder"? Life is full of ups and downs. Will she revert back to that behavior when things are not going so well in the future?

Take your time. Observe. No need to rush a decision. Take care of yourself. No need to make a decision today. But you really do have to look at the big picture. Can you absolutely trust her not to repeat this behavior, ever, in the future? Are you sure?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Simple Gnome,

What your wayward wife did was not only stupid but very, very danagerous.

And Shaggy is right there is more to the story. Amazing you can spend years with a woman and never really know them.

She risked her personal safety meeting with multiple strangers over the internet.

The fact that she has gone from trading nude pics to out of town hookups speaks volumes to how messed up in the head she is.

And guess what. You need to get tested for std's in another 6 months to really know if you and her have been infected.

She cannot be trusted to travel anymore. And she needs counselling in the worst way. Not marriage counselling but individual counselling.

And lastly, you are killing your marriage with the alcohol. If you are drinking because she is away you are doing a great job on your own killing the marriage.

Has it even dawned on you that your wife is finding emotional and physical satisfaction from OM. 

So quit drinking now and get help for yourself befoe you lose everything.

Now you are not to blame for you wife's cheating at all.

But you are responsible for 50% deficiencies in the marriage. And I cannot see how your alcoholism is not a factor.

So get some help SG too!

HM64


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> That's not good. You see, my STBXH has a "pattern" as well. It's like a drug. The attention from members of the opposite sex. The "ego trip" to hear OW (in my case) whispering in his ear (cell phone), chatting with him on line. The sneaky way they get around the BS (betrayed spouse), who is supposed to think that they can be trusted (again). They can't be trusted.
> 
> My point is that, even if you choose to forgive and move on with your W, there is still that "draw" to go back to that attention again, just like your drinking. This is the second (and the last) time for my STBXH to be drawn into that attention.
> 
> ...


I think the craving for attention to the opposite sex is exactly it. Seeking validation, etc. Counseling begins very soon in our future. Isn't this kind of destructive behavior something that can be worked through?

Oh, and hell no I can not trust her at this point. While I still love her that trust has been totally and utterly destroyed. Once again I hope counselling and time can fix this.

But yes, I will take my time and see how things go. I'm still young enough that in six months to a year I feel we haven't been able to rebuild it will be time to move on.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> So quit drinking now and get help for yourself befoe you lose everything.
> 
> Now you are not to blame for you wife's cheating at all.
> 
> ...


I have, and I have sobered myself up and pulled it back together. Sounds advice though thank you.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"Also, my D-Day was 7/12. The second revelation was on 7/16."

I believe it takes a longer period than this to be tested and pronounced "CLEAN".


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> But *you are responsible for 50% deficiencies in the marriage*. And I cannot see how your alcoholism is not a factor.
> 
> HM64


Happyman, I always enjoy your posts but I get so tired of seeing the 50% figure. Studies have shown that cheaters are usually responsible for a greater share of the problems in the marriage. In short, many of them are takers and not givers.

\Rant off


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> "Also, my D-Day was 7/12. The second revelation was on 7/16."
> 
> I believe it takes a longer period than this to be tested and pronounced "CLEAN".


I am aware. The initial test came back clean. For HIV it will be six months at least till I know 100% that I am ok.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> I think the craving for attention to the opposite sex is exactly it. Seeking validation, etc. Counseling begins very soon in our future. Isn't this kind of destructive behavior something that can be worked through?
> 
> Oh, and hell no I can not trust her at this point. While I still love her that trust has been totally and utterly destroyed. Once again I hope counselling and time can fix this.
> 
> But yes, I will take my time and see how things go. I'm still young enough that in six months to a year I feel we haven't been able to rebuild it will be time to move on.


Forget the counselors for a moment and consider your "gut" feelings. She didn't just have one solitary affair for which she is "truly remorseful". What happened here is that she sought out multiple partners, and but for you actually catching her, she would more than likely continue this behavior behind your back. Is she sorry that she did it, or just sorry she got caught?

If you make this too easy on her, she will think that she "dodge the bullet" and will likely go back to that behavior in the future. Have you considered separating? Letting her know for a fact that this behavior will not be tolerated by you? Played "hard ball"? Has she suffered any consequences for betraying your trust in such a personal manner?

A person can lie to a counselor just as well as they can lie to a spouse. A person can "jump through the hoops" just to get their life back on track for now and still be, in their hearts, prone to being unfaithful in the future. Actions speak louder than words. You know all the phrases, but when they apply to your own personal situation sometimes you don't want to see what is really there. And you are only at the beginning of your marriage, should you decide to stay in it with her.

Counseling isn't a consequence of bad behavior like this. It only works if BOTH of you are in it for the same reasons. What has she said to you that would make you believe that counseling might work to repair this marriage?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

SG,

Are you listening?

Cheater are liars by very definition. Compound that with your (the betrayed) natural desire to want to believe the best in the worst... and you got a Class 3A Cluster F-ck.

Hear a truth... when you catch your wife cheating, you are only catching the last affair discovered.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Forget the counselors for a moment and consider your "gut" feelings. She didn't just have one solitary affair for which she is "truly remorseful". What happened here is that she sought out multiple partners, and but for you actually catching her, she would more than likely continue this behavior behind your back. Is she sorry that she did it, or just sorry she got caught?
> 
> If you make this too easy on her, she will think that she "dodge the bullet" and will likely go back to that behavior in the future. Have you considered separating? Letting her know for a fact that this behavior will not be tolerated by you? Played "hard ball"? Has she suffered any consequences for betraying your trust in such a personal manner?
> 
> ...


I've had a lot of time to consider just that. My gut feeling is that we are at rock bottom. My wife isn't the type to cry and she's had basically two nervous break downs as we talk through this. My gut also says she is being honest when she says we should go to counselling. Then again I have a lot invested in this relationship so I know I need to question my judgement.

There have been a lot of very intense time. We had a brief separation when this first broke and it did provide some distance we needed. We are back under the same roof now though and I feel that is for the better.

As to if she is sorry because she got caught, or because of what she did? I haven't a clue. I think it's a mix of both. If she hadn't been caught I don't doubt this would have happened again. It was just too easy for her to do.

Who knows though. All your points are very valid and I need to mull over them further. My wife obviously wasn't the person I thought she was.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Could you describe your wife, personality, socializing, work etc.?

Besides the betrayal, do you FEEL that she loves you?

A lot of people here will tell you to just dump her - admitted it may be wise, you have no kides and not an awfull lot of years invested in your relationship. This is option 1 and it is the "easy one".

You may also consider option 2 which is, that you have both seen each other at your lowest. You may both resent the other, but it could be a platform to develop from as a couple. You must agree on it and be very sincere about it. It will take a lot of work and probably tears as well.

Do not commit to one or the other too fast. You must think, feel and then discuss it in deep.

If you truly love each other and go for option no. 2, I would recommend that you both read I Love You, But I Don't Trust You by Mira Kirschenbaum, it might help you overcome your mutal lack of trust.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

RWB said:


> SG,
> 
> Are you listening?
> 
> ...


I know this is the common wisdom and I don't doubt it holds true in most cases. I think just by dumb luck I caught her on the first incident.

Then again **** who knows. After going through her e-mail, Facebook, Craigslist history and just about everything else(I still have to pull her deleted SMS messages to check there) I think this may be the extent of it. If not so be it, but at least now I don't feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Could you describe your wife, personality, socializing, work etc.?
> 
> Besides the betrayal, do you FEEL that she loves you?
> 
> ...


We are both rather reserved people(at least so I thought). We share similar interests in books, movies, music etc. Socially she can be somewhat inept at times. At work she is very competitive and ambitious and has been very successful so far in life. We enjoyed going out quite a bit when we were earlier in our relationship but as we have mellowed we've become home bodies of sorts. 

I think I will go with your option 2. It does very much seem like our love is still mutual. Assuming there are no more unpleasant surprises in 6 months after some counselling we'll reassess and go from there.

In the mean time though I am still a miserable wreck.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

SG, I'm so sorry that you're here. You were 23 and she was 18 when the two of you got together and I think she might be feeling the need to sow some wild oats. These affairs didn't 'just happen' -- she made a conscious decision to seek them out. I hate to say it but your wife is a seriously broken woman.

Can you really see yourself spending the next fifty years with her?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Going to MC isn't the logical thing for you to do. You didn't help her pick men off of craigslist, did you? She needs serious IC and other individual therapies but you partaking in these sessions is sending the wrong message as if you're part of the problem as well. You're not. Even if you were a drunk abusive jerk she is 100% responsible for picking men off craigslist. She needs to fix herself before she is fit to be relationship material, whether for you or others.

She needs to quit her work right now and if you're hoping to have a succesful R. No consequence's for her actions = no reason to change her behavior.

Everything aside, don't you think her stupidity off getting knocked up by random guys off of the internet is an enough reason to dump her like yesterday?


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> SG, I'm so sorry that you're here. You were 23 and she was 18 when the two of you got together and I think she might be feeling the need to sow some wild oats. These affairs didn't 'just happen' -- she made a conscious decision to seek them out. I hate to say it but your wife is a seriously broken woman.
> 
> Can you really see yourself spending the next fifty years with her?


To be honest if it were the case that she just felt she had to experiment more since we've been together so long and started so young..... Then I think I could at least understand that. As dumb as it may be I do think that would be something I could deal with although it wouldn't hurt any less and we would still have a long, long way to go.

So far though she hasn't been able to articulate just what on Earth she was thinking. It was like a mixture of lashing out and desperation for validation and go knows what. And she had so many other options to attain all of those that weren't so destructive. 

What is so problematic is how it almost seemed spontaneous at first. She posted and ad and acted on it the same evening. From there it's like she just went out of control.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Going to MC isn't the logical thing for you to do. You didn't help her pick men off of craigslist, did you? She needs serious IC and other individual therapies but you partaking in these sessions is sending the wrong message as if you're part of the problem as well. You're not. Even if you were a drunk abusive jerk she is 100% responsible for picking men off craigslist. She needs to fix herself before she is fit to be relationship material, whether for you or others.
> 
> She needs to quit her work right now and if you're hoping to have a succesful R. No consequence's for her actions = no reason to change her behavior.
> 
> Everything aside, don't you think her stupidity off getting knocked up by random guys off of the internet is an enough reason to dump her like yesterday?


I need to do more research to understand the differences between the approaches to counselling. I think you are giving sound advice though.

And yeah, her stupidity there is just so enormous. At this point I am still just trying to understand it. I don't think I can act until I at least have an inkling on what the hell made her do all of this, but that in particular.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Easy now, OP doesn't have to decide anything right now.
He is still in chock and somewhat in some BS-fog. 

I would guess that what he thinks is, that he screwed up, his wife supported him and gave him a chance to sober up, and now that she screws up - he would probably feel obliged to give her a chance.

I would understand that. Get her to IC, if possible. Let the dust settle, and then you may decide.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> To be honest if it were the case that she just felt she had to experiment more since we've been together so long and started so young..... Then I think I could at least understand that. As dumb as it may be I do think that would be something I could deal with although it wouldn't hurt any less and we would still have a long, long way to go.
> 
> So far though she hasn't been able to articulate just what on Earth she was thinking. It was like a mixture of lashing out and desperation for validation and go knows what. And she had so many other options to attain all of those that weren't so destructive.
> 
> What is so problematic is how it almost seemed spontaneous at first. She posted and ad and acted on it the same evening. From there it's like she just went out of control.


What is your "deal breaker" in your marriage? What would have to happen before you would firmly consider ending it all? One affair? Two affairs? Hooking up with an old bf? A complete stranger? More than one?

As to "what she was thinking" and her inability to articulate this, there are two options here. Either she is mentally/emotionally unable to control her urges (which means that this will happen in the future) OR she refuses to tell you (which means she is hiding information from you).


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

cpacan said:


> *Easy now, OP doesn't have to decide anything right now.*
> He is still in chock and somewhat in some BS-fog.
> 
> I would guess that what he thinks is, that he screwed up, his wife supported him and gave him a chance to sober up, and now that she screws up - he would probably feel obliged to give her a chance.
> ...


True. And I hope that by sharing information and sometimes asking the hard questions, the OP will be able to make an informed decision.

We can be a tough crowd at times, but we are definitely all on the same side, having all suffered through a betrayal at some point in our married lives.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> What is your "deal breaker" in your marriage? What would have to happen before you would firmly consider ending it all? One affair? Two affairs? Hooking up with an old bf? A complete stranger? More than one?
> 
> As to "what she was thinking" and her inability to articulate this, there are two options here. Either she is mentally/emotionally unable to control her urges (*which means that this will happen in the future*) OR she refuses to tell you (which means she is hiding information from you).


I would correct that to "might happen in the future". She may be doped by validation-drugs and has not yet been able to dissect her emotions just yet.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> True. And I hope that by sharing information and sometimes asking the hard questions, the OP will be able to make an informed decision.
> 
> We can be a tough crowd at times, but we are definitely all on the same side, having all suffered through a betrayal at some point in our married lives.


Some tough love is appreciated though. Like I have mentioned before I don't feel like I can trust my judgement on this because it's just to close to me.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I would correct that to "might happen in the future". She may be doped by validation-drugs and has not yet been able to dissect her emotions just yet.


Due the the frequency and nature of what she did in that brief period of time I think it's safe to assume that wasn't the case.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> Some tough love is appreciated though. *Like I have mentioned before I don't feel like I can trust my judgement on this because it's just to close to me.*


True, and that's why i try to balance the feedback to you


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> Some tough love is appreciated though. Like I have mentioned before I don't feel like I can trust my judgement on this because it's just to close to me.


You should go back a few pages and read old threads. You'll see a trend of which approach works for a succesful R, and which does not. What needs to be done by your WW, how you should respond to it, etc.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I stopped at 26 years old and you've been together for eight years. She was a baby when you got serious. A woman has not begun to live life at that age.... To experience the rest of your life with one man at 18 is just not realistic. People should live life ... enjoy life ... get to know the type of man you want to live the rest of your life with.

I understand being hurt but 18 in a serious relationship with one man.......  It is just not surprising that she has temptation. I'm sorry some may not agree


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JMO, but this can't be looked at as problem among newlyweds. As the OP stated, they've been together for 5 or 6 years and living as a married couple. Technically, this looks like one of those 7 year itch issues. Reading through a number of the infidelity threads, it appears that we will need to add in the time a couple is cohabitating together because it make the picture look more complete. JMO.

To the OP: You wife cheated on you with multiple men and it was premeditated. Also, factor in the idea that you have no kids and you are young. Finally, recognize that there is no such thing as "soul mates", "love at first site" and "there is a perfect person for everyone out there". Those are fantasies. Love is much more messy, it takes a lot more work to tend to it so that it will grow, and it's much deeper than mere physical attraction or even how well you get a long with each other. When you factor all of these issues into the decision making process, it is clear (at least to me) that you should walk away from this marriage and not look back. Never look at her, contact her or even think about her. Drop off the grid with this woman the second your divorce is final. That's my advice, take it for what it's worth and consider that I've never been through infidelity nor a divorce.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Happyman, I always enjoy your posts but I get so tired of seeing the 50% figure. Studies have shown that cheaters are usually responsible for a greater share of the problems in the marriage. In short, many of them are takers and not givers.
> 
> \Rant off


I agree with you most of the time Count but having seen alcoholism close up with 2 family members really tells me that not all is roses in their relationship.

But I do agree that a loyal loving spouse can be a totally innocent and blindsided by the wayward spouse.

Peace.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm going to caution you to totally slow down. Your messages reveal that YOU are working very hard at rushing to put this behind you. That is exactly the kind of thing which will cause you to find yourself in a False R.

1. Be very careful of confusing her emotion and feelings of getting caught and her seperate world coming tumbling down with guilt and remorse.

When she is having these emotional breakdowns - is she focused on things like "I'm a bad person", "I can believe I did this", "I", "I" ... which is all about her - OR - is she focused on "you are so hurt and I did it", "I betrayed you and I've ruined your trust".

2. Do not jump past the fact she used craigslist to make these hookup - that's a dangerous and sleazy place to find an AP. She could have done better at the hotel bar, at least she could have seen the AP before the hooked up. But no,she accept totally random men to have sex with.

- also most people go through a bunch of either no-shows or real nut jobs when they try to find APs on craigslist. For her to find several men in the matter of a week or two, and successfully meet up with them so easily and successfully doesn't ring true. There is more to the story there that you've not heard.

- also don't you find it odd that she let these random guys finish inside her? Even hookers demand condoms. And while it's true the affairs where the two cheaters think they are in love will do it without protection - these are random guys supposedly, she has no lover for them, so why is she exposing herself to pregnancy and disease like that?

3. Look at how quickly she did this after she left on the trip. This doesn't seem like an impulse that got out of control. This was a planned action that she executed when she got free of the home and marriage.

4. Why do you think you've got all the details? Because she's cried at lot? It's very common for cheaters to look you in the eye, swear on their children's lives that nothing more happened. 

You need to take a strong approach of doubting her story until you personally verify it, because cheaters lie and she's got a lot to loose by admitting to more.

----
I know you want the hurt to go away. I know you want your life to just get back to where it was because you want that feeling of trust and love you had. 

But wishing for something and even convincing yourself it's true - doesn't make it so. 

If you don't face the hard stuff here, if you don't get these very nasty daemons that are inside your wife fully faced and dealt with - then you are going to be dealing with her cheating over and over and over. This is the voice of experience here talking.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> Three months ago my wife went out of town on business for the first time. She was to be gone three weeks, but back on weekend. A bit of background info here I am a recovering alcoholic. When she left I found myself alone with no support network and promptly relapsed. I was drunk almost all of her time out of time to various degrees. We did our best to keep in touch during my lucid moments but I frequently was not available to her because of my alcoholism.


So long term alcoholic which mean a long time where you were too messed up to be checking on your wife.



SimpleGnome said:


> When she returned on weekends everything seemed ok, but there was on incident looking back that should have been an obvious warning sign. One night she sent me a text message that she was working late which is no unusual. Later in the evening and into the night I tried to call and text her but she did not respond. I was sick with worry and did eventually get to sleep only to wake up and see she had still not contacted me. I eventually was able to get her on the phone and she claimed that she had been exhausted from work and promptly fell asleep. This was incredibly unlike her and I remained concerned, but she returned that weekend and things did appear to return to normal. I sobered up and pulled myself together and we continued to move forward.
> 
> Until several days later when I was putting up her luggage. I found a package for the morning after pill. Being a married couple and not aware that she had taken it it was immediately apparent what had happened.


I understand finding the smoking gun here. But you found no evidence of how many men. You know she was having unprotected sex which indicates some sort of trust. That means that.....


> I confronted her about it and she immediately clammed up. I understand that she was in shock, but after repeated questioning she did admit that she had cheated. She claimed she had met a man via the internet for the express purpose of sex and gone through with it. Meeting the man a total of three times over the course of her three weeks.


So she just started an internet account while out on business. Then met this guy, then they hit is off, get to know each other, then bang like rabbits. In only 21 days. To me it seems like the only way for this to work is if she knew the guy long before going on this trip. 


> This was shocking, terrible. I was crushed. This was so, so unlike her. As we talked further she did eventually open up more and we were able to discuss further and try to understand what happened. She claimed she didn't fully understand why she had done it. She was alone out of town stuck in a hotel room and felt lonely. And she acted on that in the worst way possible.
> 
> After a lot of long walks and chain smoking I decided I could bounce back from this. I could forgive her, and with time and some professional help we could rebuild. Things would never be the same, but they didn't have to necessarily be worse. We talked, and set an appointment and did lots more talking.
> 
> ...


So now she has had sex multiple times with one man and from what you said above either appears to have an EA at least probably PA with a second man. If not that then, she is still communicating with OM and had every intention of continuing the Affair.



> Since then we have talked further. We are going to get counselling and see how we can go forward. The extent of the shame, anger and confusion I feel is something I am struggling to deal with. We've talked further and there have been lots of questions. I do feel at this point she is answering honestly, but I still have the feeling looming that there is another shoe waiting to drop some place here. I am also utterly disgusted with myself. I keep myself busy but when I find myself idle the image of my wife with another man slowly bubbles up in my mind and the pain goes from a dull throb to a loud roar.
> 
> I am still not certain I want to continue this marriage, but I have decided to commit fully and honestly to counselling. My wife says that she deeply regrets her actions and it will never happen again. She also says she has fully committed to counselling.
> 
> ...


Point is to all of this is that your Wife is still hiding something. You know your wife and you have/ are being trickle truthed. I think the A is a looooonnnnggg one.
In order to move on you need to wake up and start doing some digging. You are operating as if you still have trust with your wife. If you do you are asking for a third DDay.

I still think there is a 3rd DDay and you need to go back through email, phone records, and everything you can get your hands on. Your wife is still likely in the fog and until you take the necessary steps your marriage is over. You just don't know it yet.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Until your wife can articulate why she did what she did, you can't begin to repair the marriage. How do you prevent something from happening if you don't know what caused it in the first place?

And I say this as someone who actively sought out an affair partner online.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

badbane said:


> So long term alcoholic which mean a long time where you were too messed up to be checking on your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am an alcoholic and had been in recovery for two years before my relapse when she left town on business. It has been a struggle and I have had other relapses but it is something I had been struggling with and got weak. But yes I totally failed to check up on my wife while she was out of town on business which is something any healthy relationship should include.

I certainly have been trickle truthed as well. After going over all her electronic records though I think we are at the point where we've got everything out in the open. Like I said I still have to pull the SMSs she deleted so I may be in for another shock.

Sorry, I am still learning the acronyms for discussing this. What is a PA and EA?

And I have dug up the Craigslist posting she used to locate these men. The dates and times do match up with what she has told me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

shaylady said:


> I stopped at 26 years old and you've been together for eight years. She was a baby when you got serious. A woman has not begun to live life at that age.... To experience the rest of your life with one man at 18 is just not realistic. People should live life ... enjoy life ... get to know the type of man you want to live the rest of your life with.
> 
> I understand being hurt but 18 in a serious relationship with one man.......  It is just not surprising that she has temptation. I'm sorry some may not agree




And this is another reason why you should let her go. She wants to experience "life" and if you force her into a situation that she is not happy with, her resentment will destroy the marriage anyways.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

shaylady said:


> I stopped at 26 years old and you've been together for eight years. She was a baby when you got serious. A woman has not begun to live life at that age.... To experience the rest of your life with one man at 18 is just not realistic. People should live life ... enjoy life ... get to know the type of man you want to live the rest of your life with.
> 
> I understand being hurt but 18 in a serious relationship with one man.......  It is just not surprising that she has temptation. I'm sorry some may not agree


I can see your point -- up to a point. At 26, she should mature enough to tell her husband that she wants a divorce instead of trolling Craigslist for affair partners.

(By the way, I'm starting to think that people shouldn't get married until they're 30.)


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

PBear said:


> Until your wife can articulate why she did what she did, you can't begin to repair the marriage. How do you prevent something from happening if you don't know what caused it in the first place?
> 
> And I say this as someone who actively sought out an affair partner online.
> 
> ...


I don't think she fully understands it either. I think that is going to take time and professional help.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

aug said:


> And this is another reason why you should let her go. She wants to experience "life" and if you force her into a situation that she is not happy with, her resentment will destroy the marriage anyways.


This is possible. I've brought it up just trying to understand the situation since I know she only had a few partners before me. She say it's not the case.

We've always been very open and communicative in the bed room. That's one place where no matter how bad our marriage was we were always ok.

Then again look what happened.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> JMO, but this can't be looked at as problem among newlyweds. As the OP stated, they've been together for 5 or 6 years and living as a married couple. Technically, this looks like one of those 7 year itch issues. Reading through a number of the infidelity threads, it appears that we will need to add in the time a couple is cohabitating together because it make the picture look more complete.  JMO.



The issue I have with this view is that the marriage is not valued and is considered as a bump on the road.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

shaylady said:


> I stopped at 26 years old and you've been together for eight years. She was a baby when you got serious. A woman has not begun to live life at that age.... To experience the rest of your life with one man at 18 is just not realistic. People should live life ... enjoy life ... get to know the type of man you want to live the rest of your life with.
> 
> I understand being hurt but 18 in a serious relationship with one man.......  It is just not surprising that she has temptation. I'm sorry some may not agree


Shaylady,

I don't agree.

My wife was 19 years old when we met. We dated 6 years and and will be married 20 years later this year.

She traveled for 6 years while working and had plenty of opportunities to cheat.

She never has. It goes against her values. She has the highest self esteem of anyone I have ever met. It was one of those characteristics that attracted me to her.

I have asked her more than once if she was ever tempted and the answer was always no. And she worked with plenty of guys and a few that actually came on to her.

She values her integrity, our relationship and our family too much to screw around. It really is that simple.

When a person in a committed relationship cheats it shows a serious lack of judgement and a flaw in them as a person.

It also shows a serious lack of respect for the person they say that they love.

Respectfully,

HM64

PS
I worship the ground my wife walks on, I just don't let her know that. But I return the love and respect that she has for our relationship 110%. And that she knows.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If I may, I would like to clear up something,---You stated you moved 300 miles away to a new city, for your wife to start a new job----so what is it that you do

Do you work, did you transfer to a new office---or is your wife the breadwinner, in this mge

If you don't work, and you rely on her, I can see how that affects your attitude toward your future, as even tho she is cheating, if she brings in the "green", you are kinda stuck, unless you can make it on your own, w/out your wife, if that's what it comes down to.

The other posters, have opened your situation up very adequately, and given you what you need to know----but it all really boils down to what kind of a situation you are in, and who is running the show, especially if she is the breadwinner, and you rely on her.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

jnj express said:


> If I may, I would like to clear up something,---You stated you moved 300 miles away to a new city, for your wife to start a new job----so what is it that you do
> 
> Do you work, did you transfer to a new office---or is your wife the breadwinner, in this mge
> 
> ...


My wife is currently the bread winner. Prior to her being hired at this position I was working full time taking night classes as part of a career change. With our move we decided I should go ahead and go all in on school and pick up a part time job that will let me start to advance my new career.

That said that isn't a consideration here. After what has happened I know my family would be more than happy to allow me to move back home while I further my education and get back on my feet. I also did have a fairly successful career prior to deciding to make the change and expect with a few calls to old managers I could have full time work at a wage I would be more than comfortable living on.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SimpleGnome said:


> I do feel I have gotten the full story at this point.


Dude, everyone that comes here, and I mean EVERYONE says this. Then they find out they didn't know the full truth and then it's D-Day #2, #3 and so on. There is more coming. Bank on it. Almost every cheater follows a predictable pattern once they are caught. These guys will tell you what that is. Do exactly what they say and you will see that they can tell you what your wife is going to do before she does it.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

SimpleGnome said:


> Obviously any sense of trust I had for her is gone. After something like this can that be rebuilt?


I'm going to go with a no in this case. Trolling Craigslists for hookups is about as low as you can get.

You need to get to your anger stage. She has obviously low morals and has little respect for you or the marriage. The damage is done, even if she is the perfect wife from now on you will NEVER fully get over this, not in 2 years, not in 20 years. You are the faithful husband and she is the unfaithful wife but it doesn’t have to be this way. You are young with no kids so this is an opportunity to get a fresh start. There is nothing she can do to make up for what she did and since she is a serial cheater then the odds are very high for her to do this again later (NEVER assume they learned their lesson). She is not right in the head and you don’t have to live with that and you can’t fix her either so don’t waste your time trying to “save” her. 

You need to step back and look at the big picture and forget how she is acting at the moment. Do what’s in your best interest and don’t let yourself be motivated by fear (fear of being alone). Not all marriages should be saved.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> That said that isn't a consideration here. After what has happened I know my family would be more than happy to allow me to move back home while I further my education and get back on my feet. I also did have a fairly successful career prior to deciding to make the change and expect with a few calls to old managers I could have full time work at a wage I would be more than comfortable living on.


Move back in with your family. Tell them what she did. 

File for an annulment before the one year deadline. I'm sorry my friend but your wife and marriage are not salvageable. You are in love with an *idea* of who she is, but you are seeing the real her now. 

The real woman you are married to is a sexual deviant, is narcissistic and morally bankrupt. Do not ruin your life remaining married to this evil person.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SimpleGnome said:


> My wife is currently the bread winner. Prior to her being hired at this position I was working full time taking night classes as part of a career change. With our move we decided I should go ahead and go all in on school and pick up a part time job that will let me start to advance my new career.
> 
> That said that isn't a consideration here. After what has happened I know my family would be more than happy to allow me to move back home while I further my education and get back on my feet. I also did have a fairly successful career prior to deciding to make the change and expect with a few calls to old managers I could have full time work at a wage I would be more than comfortable living on.


Once again you are rationalizing not doing anything and nt changing anything.

Your wife didn't have a moment of insanity. She isn't broken an just needs a little repair by a professional. She is very much a responsible adult who consciously chose to put up an add on Craigslist to offer to have unprotcted sex with complete strangers. She chose to do this, she chose to betray you and your marriage. I know you very much want to find the thing in her that broke and repair it so she can be the person you thought you married.

But the thing is there isn't a broken part to be fixed. The person who chose to cheat is the same person you married. The decision making circuits on her brain now are the same as before. The only thing that is different is that you now know this part of her exists. It's always been there, it always will be.

That's why I keep coming back to the word "choice". To deal with the new knowledge of this side of her you need to first admit to your self that she chose to do this. It wasnt an accident or temporary insanity. It was an adult making a horrible and selfish choice.

Next focus on why she made this choice and I you do stay with her, what she will be doing differently so that next time she makes that choice differently and chooses not to cheat.

The current tears will dry and be forgotten in time, but for your marriage to continue she must never make that choice again.

Her job requires travel, what about her job made her choose to cheat. What about her marriage made her choose to cheat. Those things mst be addresses or she will cheat again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Alcoholic and drug addict in recovery here (13 years sober and clean already).
Friend, you need to aproach this behavior of your wife *exaclty* as yours. She's addicted to this. It's not the first time she uses internet to get validation or whatever. Likely the first episodes of sending nude pics are not the actual first ones, unlikey she stopped after that. She's scalating very badly, she's careless about pregnancies and STDs from virtual strangers who just want to f0ck. She will feel weak and have relapses also in the future so you need to embrace the "trust but verify" policy from now on. She needs tons of IC.

I found this post about addicts/alcoholics in another site but I think you can use it to project into your wife and her wayward compulsion. SHe's not unique and special


> Replace addicts with waywards, after all, they are one and the same.
> 1. Addicts lie
> 2. Addicts make excuses for their bad behaviour
> 3. Addicts are NOT in control of themselves
> ...


.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

sandc said:


> Dude, everyone that comes here, and I mean EVERYONE says this. Then they find out they didn't know the full truth and then it's D-Day #2, #3 and so on. There is more coming. Bank on it. Almost every cheater follows a predictable pattern once they are caught. These guys will tell you what that is. Do exactly what they say and you will see that they can tell you what your wife is going to do before she does it.


I've already had D-Day #2. And it was at that point I took their advice and checked EVERYTHING she has for electronic communication. Nothing yet.

But yeah. They have been right about trickle truth up to that point. It was at D-Day #2 that she came clean on everything. Or maybe there's more. After D-Day #1 I had a gut feeling that it was just a matter of time before the other shoe dropped. Now I don't.

Like I've said I have a lot tied up in this emotionally so I need to be skeptical about what my gut feeling is.


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## SimpleGnome (Jul 27, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Alcoholic and drug addict in recovery here (13 years sober and clean already).
> Friend, you need to aproach this behavior of your wife *exaclty* as yours. She's addicted to this. It's not the first time she uses internet to get validation or whatever. Likely the first episodes of sending nude pics are not the actual first ones, unlikey she stopped after that. She's scalating very badly, she's careless about pregnancies and STDs from virtual strangers who just want to f0ck. She will feel weak and have relapses also in the future so you need to embrace the "trust but verify" policy from now on. She needs tons of IC.
> 
> I found this post about addicts/alcoholics in another site but I think you can use it to project into your wife and her wayward compulsion. SHe's not unique and special
> .


Thanks for this. And you are very right. Having two self destructive recovering addicts under one roof is something I hadn't considered.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

SimpleGnome said:


> But yeah. They have been right about trickle truth up to that point.* It was at D-Day #2 that she came clean on everything.* Or maybe there's more. After D-Day #1 I had a gut feeling that it was just a matter of time before the other shoe dropped. Now I don't.
> 
> Like I've said I have a lot tied up in this emotionally so I need to be skeptical about what my gut feeling is.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Can I ask you a question? If you knew that the woman who was your fiancee, was going (two months after the two of you got married) to plan and carry out sexual encounters with other men, would you have proceeded with the marriage? If the answer is no, then why stay in a marriage that is DOA (dead on arrival)? 

Like it or not, the woman who poses as your 'wife' is far from being ready for the job. My suggestion is that you seriously consider annulment or divorce because without trust and respect, no amount of love can save a stillbirth marriage.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Are you kidding me???? You're shocked that she's done this?? You appear to not have a job (guessing), you follow her to another city for her job, you whine about not knowing anyone and completely failed at being the kind of trustworthy, strong, husband most women would love to have when you crawled back into the bottle! Waaaaww, sniff, sniff, mommy went out of town and I'm all lonely, give me my bottle to pacify me. Get ahold of yourself. You aren't fixing anything with your wife until you fix yourself.

I'm not clear if she was with 3 three men or on three dates with the same guy, either way, she most certainly can't be trusted. Of course, you can't either... I guess both of you have low thresholds for avoiding temptation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Annulment. Move out. She is not ready for marriage. Start dating again if you want to.

Also, what phone does she have?


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## kostas (Jul 28, 2012)

The only way for you to decide what is best is to try and hang on untill you can take hold of yourself and are not in limbo land. once you reach the stage where you can control yourself is time to take your decisions what to do with your life. I will not put down your wife as it is not a matter of a good or bad person and once a cheater always is a cheater in my opinion is not true. I do not carry the truth but I will tell you mine I have been through what you are going through two years ago and I only managed to find peace after I decided that she has no control over me and she cannot affect me emotionally or otherwise. She was genuinely remorseful but in the same time too ashamed so chose to live in denial and still is, however to be honest this had no real bearing on my decision as it was a case whether I can wake up everyday next to a person who either intentionally or accidentaly has caused me more damage than my worst enemy and decided I cannot. I may be unfair in many respects but it is a matter of character i believe. I am still in the marriage because of my two kids and will stick around as long as she does also. In many respects her living in denial and my placid nature has resulted in a no conflict arrangement where the kids are in a safe and stable environment. I believe at some point they are going to catch up due to the abscense of any emotional bond between us but feel that they are still better off in this environment than alone with their mother or she will decide to call it quits which I admit is a possibility and chose to accept it. Having said that I do not proclaim total happiness but trust me I have managed to steer all my attention and affection to my two kids and enjoy them day after day. So do not expect any appropriate course of action from anybody but your self it all has to come within you. I tried my self in desperation to find the whats and whys, tried to reason, but to no avail and would like to tell you only the bad parts that you will probably have to deal with as this matter more than the good ones since if you can deal with the bad am sure you wont have a problem with the good. You will never completely get over it, it will always come back to mind whenever a connection is made, you will always wonder whether you should trust her or not, you will always question your decision, one day you will love her one you will hate her maybe in the future you will love her much more than you hate her but you will still hate her in some respect because she will remind you of what she is capable of doing to you. Again this brings no bearing to your wife as unfortunately cheating is human the real question is whether you can accept it for the rest of your life. Having said all that I sincerely believe you have to fight for the outcome and make sure that at the end you are happy with your self whatever that is. Do not forget it is your life and you only get a chance at it so try and make sure you are content with your actions independent from your ego. The one thing I rejected and advise you to also do is reject all those that will tell you of how responsible you are for what your wife did, this is crap and dont become an accesory to your demise, people have choices and consequences from these choices. As for those who say that there can be a renewed and revitalised relationship I dont understand that if this is the way out then why try to revitalise something that brought you so much damage and not go for something new that comes with no baggage. I made my concessions when I married this woman as she did also and now apart from those concessions I had to help her get over her toy which I did so she could stand on her own because what ever she did she is still the mother of my lifes treasure and I will always respect her for it. So things are not black and white and there are no magic rules, you have to find your answer to your question.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

shaylady said:


> I stopped at 26 years old and you've been together for eight years. She was a baby when you got serious. A woman has not begun to live life at that age.... To experience the rest of your life with one man at 18 is just not realistic. People should live life ... enjoy life ... get to know the type of man you want to live the rest of your life with.
> 
> I understand being hurt but 18 in a serious relationship with one man.......  It is just not surprising that she has temptation. I'm sorry some may not agree


If this were true, it would always have been true. The fact is normal people have not always had to try many different partners to pick the right one. However, cheaters have always been disfunctional. That people need to get out and sow wild oats is just more new age bull sh!t that has cost us more than we will ever know. Broken familes, famlies with out marriage, or dads etc. For example, in one subset of our culture, 80% of the children do not have a father, sperm donor only, and things are getting worse as this spreads to the rest of America.


Checking to see if the grass is greener means he/she is no longer in love with you. Banging strangers on Craigs list is perverted/sick. Can you get it back, maybe? But cheating is the ultimate in disrespect and backstabbing the person that is supposed to be your number one concern in life that you would give your life to protect.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> If this were true, it would always have been true...That people need to get out and sow wild oats is just more new age bull sh!t that has cost us more than we will ever know.


Truer words were never spoken. Until recently, kids were married off at or near puberty. Nature puts the prime childbearing years at 13-25; the early adult years previously called "youth" prior to the modern invention of the extended childhood known as "adolescence."


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## fnfireguy13 (Jun 4, 2015)

My wife cheated on me with friend on more than one time in our home. That was 35years ago and I still wonder if I did the right thing staying with her. She lied about it for 4 years before she confessed to it. He has hidden from me. I think forgave her but can't forget. Be prepared to eat some pride sometimes and you'll never forget the feeling when you found out. I was madly in love now I'm not so sure after 40 years of dealing with this. My blessing was the two kids after so I'm glad I didn't leave then but now is another time. My biggest regret is that I tried to 'even' the score and I had a few flings and all of them made me sick. 
Moral here is chose wisely and know your depth of love for her because you will never forget and you have to deal with so many reminders.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Necropost...Just sayin.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fnfireguy13 said:


> My wife cheated on me with friend on more than one time in our home. That was 35years ago and I still wonder if I did the right thing staying with her. She lied about it for 4 years before she confessed to it. He has hidden from me. I think forgave her but can't forget. Be prepared to eat some pride sometimes and you'll never forget the feeling when you found out. I was madly in love now I'm not so sure after 40 years of dealing with this. My blessing was the two kids after so I'm glad I didn't leave then but now is another time. My biggest regret is that I tried to 'even' the score and I had a few flings and all of them made me sick.
> Moral here is chose wisely and know your depth of love for her because you will never forget and you have to deal with so many reminders.


This is a very old thread, a zombie thread.

Please start your own thread and post your story there. Then people will not confuse you with the original poster of this thread.

I am closing this thread.


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