# Husband raped me. Advice please?



## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

*Advice please?*

..,


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I was raped by my ex boyfriend during an agruement similar to yours. 
Please don't go back to him. 
Spousal rape is a form of control, things will more than likely get worse. 
Trust me I speak from experience. 

Do you have children together? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get to a womens shelter and tell them what he did. DO NOT go back or answer his calls. You have been physically and sexually assaulted - the fact it was your husband who did it is beside the point.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you were raped you should be talking to the police.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Do you have children together?


I meant to state that we do not have children.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

He has crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. Get away from him now and get the police involved. He has no respect for you, he is of the sub human class. 

You are not chattel to be abused.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Amethyst said:


> I meant to state that we do not have children.


That's a good thing.
I don't care if he has PTSD from Iraq, it's no excuse for rape. 
I understand completely if you have issues with going to the police, it's not easy to do. 
If you go back to him, he'll know that he'll be able to get away with much more abuse. 
Oh and get rid of that friend of yours who thinks rape is a "mistake"





Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

So sorry you are going through this. I too have experienced something similar to this. It doesn't matter whether it's a stranger who has dragged you down an alley or your BF/H....rape is rape and calling it anything else is ridiculous. I know you are probably still in a state of shock (it's so hard to process when someone who claims to love you does something like this), but you have done the right things by removing yourself from the situation. I can assure you that if you return to him he will take it as a free pass and the abuse will get worse (no matter how much you think you are "punishing" him for what he has done). This is one of the lines that can never be uncrossed in a relationship. 

Please do not go back to your H. And please ignore every word that comes out of your friend's mouth. What she said to you is terrible and completely irrelevant. Do you have someone else that you can talk to? Gather your support system around you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Amethyst said:


> My husband and I have been together 7yrs, We met a month after he got back from his tour in Iraq, married a year later. Since I met him he has always been a very closed off person, he doesn't open up easily and doesn't want to be around many people, He rarely attends social events with me as he says he prefers it to me just me and him, Despite that he is the most caring man ever, I love him so much. The other night we had a huge intense argument, one like we've never had before, we said things that hurt each other, me telling him ( purposely to hurt him) that I hated him and regretted marrying him, Straight away I could see the hurt in him and I regretted saying it but he walked out. I went to have a bath to calm down, he obviously started drinking when he was out, A while later my husband came into the bathroom dragged me from the bath and into our bedroom, the rest is pretty obvious, I tried to fight him off but I couldn't, he then just walked out of our house. I was in shock but straight away packed a few things and checked into a hotel. I've been ignoring his calls asking and pleading me to forgive him that he didn't know what came over him. I love him so much but I cant get past this. I confided in my best friend and she just said as horrible as it was... He made a mistake and that it seems he is regretful and she said maybe he has realized now there is a standard which he should always abide by and he tried a stupid power game when I "broke into his manhood through words" Apparently she said she's not justifying what he did but now I'm feeling like I've over reacted about the whole situation, My head is all over the place right now I need some guidance, Am I over reacting as he's my husband?


Your friend is a rape apologist. She is not your friend.

Report the rape to the police.

Is he still in the military or the Reserves? He must be reported to them, also.

Get a order banning him from contact with you.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

camerashy said:


> Please do not go back to your H. And please ignore every word that comes out of your friend's mouth. What she said to you is terrible and completely irrelevant. Do you have someone else that you can talk to? Gather your support system around you.


I thought she was the one person I could talk to about this since we have been close friends since childhood but I was taken back when she said that and then I began doubting my decision to leave. I loved and trusted him so much and we had a very happy marriage with a few disagreements but our argument got completely out of hand and I shouldn't have said what I did to him but his reaction was something I never expected from him, I feel like I've lost my best friend and at the same time I feel hatred for him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Do not go back. The mentality required to do that is not one you can work with.

Abusers always cry that they're sorry until the next round of abuse.

Decent men would never be capable of what he did. ... his next "mistake" could well be much worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Your friend is a rape apologist. She is not your friend.
> 
> Report the rape to the police.
> 
> ...


Tell the so called friend, he'll be available to date soon! 
maybe then she'll have a more sympathetic disposition. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Your friend is a rape apologist. She is not your friend.
> 
> Report the rape to the police.
> 
> ...


Agree with Matt on this, it does need to be documented/reported somewhere. But even before that, you need a really reliable support system in place because your H will try to contact you and he will be so very sorry for what he has done...and he will do/say anything to get you back. Don't fall for it like I did many, many times. Your judgment is impaired right now (believe me) and you need that support system to be strong for you when you cannot be.

Sending a million hugs your way OP.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

Amethyst said:


> I thought she was the one person I could talk to about this since we have been close friends since childhood but I was taken back when she said that and then I began doubting my decision to leave. I loved and trusted him so much and we had a very happy marriage with a few disagreements but our argument got completely out of hand and I shouldn't have said what I did to him but his reaction was something I never expected from him, I feel like I've lost my best friend and at the same time I feel hatred for him.


I have been where you are OP. I had a friend who gave me seriously bad advice and proceeded to list what I had done to bring it upon myself and how I could change... My own abuser's mother even told me that these things wouldn't happen if I learned to keep my mouth shut. These sorts of people are demented. Truly. You will see that eventually. She's not a true friend. It's just unfortunate that it takes something like this to see that. It will take time, but you will heal from her betrayal.

NOBODY deserves to be raped. There is no justification or reasoning. Be strong and if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to direct message me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

camerashy said:


> I have been where you are OP. I had a friend who gave me seriously bad advice and proceeded to list what I had done to bring it upon myself and how I could change... My own abuser's mother even told me that these things wouldn't happen if I learned to keep my mouth shut. These sorts of people are demented. Truly. You will see that eventually. She's not a true friend. It's just unfortunate that it takes something like this to see that. It will take time, but you will heal from her betrayal.
> 
> NOBODY deserves to be raped. There is no justification or reasoning. Be strong and if you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to direct message me.


:iagree:

And you need a rape trauma counsellor.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please tell the police, and the military if he's still involved with them. Let HIM sort it out. Let HIM get real, consistent, therapy to deal with what he observed at war. For at least a year or two. You were his substitute for dealing with it. He needs to deal with it. Perhaps, after a year or two, he will be able to shed all the hurt and pain from war and become a great partner for you. You don't have to give up on him, BUT if you stay with him, he will never get the help he needs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your friend is wrong, dangerously so.

What you saw is the real him, the him that he has kept hidden for a long time. Now that it’s out in the open, there is no putting it back.

How many days has it been since the rape? Do you have any visible injuries?
Call the police and get a restraining order. See if it’s too late to get a rape kit done and press charges.
Do you have anyone you can move in with? Any family? (Not your friend)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There's probably more to this story. She was raped? Why isn't she angry as hell and not debating this?
I'm just not understanding what happened. 
Yeah, not really something one can apologize for. I just don't understand. It's crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your friend apparently has some issues of her own. Her advice was ridiculous. 

Ask yourself if you really want to remain married to someone who is willing to rape you whenever he's angry and drinking. Because there could be more of that in your future if you stay. And even if by some miracle there isn't, do you want to worry about that possibility every time you have an argument?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

> A while later my husband came into the bathroom dragged me from the bath and into our bedroom, the rest is pretty obvious, I tried to fight him off but I couldn't, he then just walked out of our house. I was in shock but straight away packed a few things and checked into a hotel. I've been ignoring his calls asking and pleading me to forgive him that he didn't know what came over him. I love him so much but I cant get past this.


First, I am so sorry this happened to you. Don't feel bad about ignoring his calls. You are right to *take some time for yourself to think about next steps.*

Second, get some help from a trusted friend or family *who you know will support you.* Tell them exactly what happened and tell them your story. If possible, go and spend some time there.

What is your personal situation re: job and finances? Are you independent?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> There's probably more to this story. She was raped? Why isn't she angry as hell and not debating this?
> I'm just not understanding what happened.
> Yeah, not really something one can apologize for. I just don't understand. It's crazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some men still consider their wives chattel. And in the not-too-distant past there was no such thing as rape in marriage (and still isn't in some places). Maybe that's his thinking. Or not. Yes, the whole thing is very odd.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> That's a good thing.
> I don't care if he has PTSD from Iraq, it's no excuse for rape.
> *I understand completely if you have issues with going to the police, it's not easy to do. *
> If you go back to him, he'll know that he'll be able to get away with much more abuse.
> Oh and get rid of that friend of yours who thinks rape is a "mistake"


This post is 100% correct. Those who toss off "just go to the police" have no idea how difficult this is.

You have been hurt and betrayed by someone who should be one of the most trusted people in your life. This is going to take you time to process and decide how you want to deal with it.

Please don't forgive him and take him back asap. This will only lead to further abuse. At minimum, this guy needs a lot of counselling for his anger issues that have nothing to do with you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sapientia said:


> This post is 100% correct. Those who toss off "just go to the police" have no idea how difficult this is.
> 
> You have been hurt and betrayed by someone who should be one of the most trusted people in your life. This is going to take you time to process and decide how you want to deal with it.
> 
> Please don't forgive him and take him back asap. This will only lead to further abuse. At minimum, this guy needs a lot of counselling for his anger issues that have nothing to do with you.


Actually, you have made an unsupportable, and very patronising, assertation when you claim that people -such as myself merely "tossed off" the advice to "just go to the police" and "have no idea how difficult this is."

The advice was not "just tossed off" and, speaking for myself, I am well aware of how difficult following that advice can be for someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped, for a variety of reasons.

And I expect that other TAM members who also suggested reporting the rape to the police were also fully aware of those problems and difficulties. 

However, I felt it would have been remiss of me not to point out that calling the police was an option.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get yourself to a good, "piranha" family attorney, who will draw up the divorce paperwork, execute a restraining order/peace bond, and will additionally prefer criminal charges through your local District Attorney's Office with a recommendation for grand jury indictment! They will also report the matter to your H's Commanding Military Officer and possibly put out a warrant for his immediate arrest!

Married or unmarried, rape is rape, and it needs to be reported and prosecuted!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg OP I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. And by the man that you love and trusted more than any other...incomprehensible.

I do agree that you should report the rape to the police. If you're not ready/able/undecided on whether to press charges, you don't necessarily have to, but there should be an official record of the rape somewhere. I think that's very important.

An absolutely terrible thing to have happened to you, and I truly hope you will take good care of yourself and get the support you will need to get through this x


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm sorry this happened to you, and I agree with the others. I was once in an abusive relationship, and it was hard to be objective because I loved him. Hope you break free from this relationship. It seems like he was never abusive to you before, so wondering what might have changed. ((praying for you))


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This behavior rarely gets better and for the most part will worsen.

No kids, short term marriage get out now while you can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Also, PTSD did not "make" him rape you.

He raped you because he is a rapist.

You might not be his first victim.

I hate to suggest this but you must be checked for STDs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arguing between members is the last thing that the OP needs. Thread jack deleted. Anyone who continues the thread jack will be banned.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Also, PTSD did not "make" him rape you.
> 
> He raped you because he is a rapist.
> 
> ...


I hadn't considered that - wow could be true. Either way OP, it's not a good place for you to remain. Hope you find the help you need.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> There's probably more to this story. She was raped? Why isn't she angry as hell and not debating this?
> I'm just not understanding what happened.
> Yeah, not really something one can apologize for. I just don't understand. It's crazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What more? Would you consider it rape if they weren't married?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Amethyst said:


> I meant to state that we do not have children.


Run. Far and fast.

Holy smokes. How can you consider entertaining any notion of going back?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Amethyst said:


> My husband and I have been together 7yrs, We met a month after he got back from his tour in Iraq, married a year later. Since I met him he has always been a very closed off person, he doesn't open up easily and doesn't want to be around many people, He rarely attends social events with me as he says he prefers it to me just me and him, Despite that he is the most caring man ever, I love him so much. The other night we had a huge intense argument, one like we've never had before, we said things that hurt each other, me telling him ( purposely to hurt him) that I hated him and regretted marrying him, Straight away I could see the hurt in him and I regretted saying it but he walked out. I went to have a bath to calm down, he obviously started drinking when he was out, A while later my husband came into the bathroom dragged me from the bath and into our bedroom, the rest is pretty obvious, I tried to fight him off but I couldn't, he then just walked out of our house. I was in shock but straight away packed a few things and checked into a hotel. I've been ignoring his calls asking and pleading me to forgive him that he didn't know what came over him. I love him so much but I cant get past this. I confided in my best friend and she just said as horrible as it was... He made a mistake and that it seems he is regretful and she said maybe he has realized now there is a standard which he should always abide by and he tried a stupid power game when I "broke into his manhood through words" Apparently she said she's not justifying what he did but now I'm feeling like I've over reacted about the whole situation, My head is all over the place right now I need some guidance, Am I over reacting as he's my husband?


Call the police, report him, divorce him and never talk to him again. F**k him. No excuse, none. 

"Broke his manhood". I am offended as a man that he thinks rape regains his broken manhood. F** this dude. Seriously. 

Do you have any family or people you can get support from? Please, please, please never get back with this guy, whatever he once was he is now a monster.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

turnera said:


> Please tell the police, and the military if he's still involved with them. Let HIM sort it out. Let HIM get real, consistent, therapy to deal with what he observed at war. For at least a year or two. You were his substitute for dealing with it. He needs to deal with it. Perhaps, after a year or two, he will be able to shed all the hurt and pain from war and become a great partner for you. You don't have to give up on him, BUT if you stay with him, he will never get the help he needs.


Certainly you are not advocating that she one day reconcile with her rapist are you? Really?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

My heart is breaking here... war does terrible things to our military but is no excuse for this.

I am diagnosed PTSD... this is not that, this is an ego out of control fueled by alcohol and an outcome of criminal behavior.

First of all, you must report this violent act to the military authorities and if this crime happened off-base, to the civilian authorities although the Military Police will help you with this civil connection as well.

There is no tolerance for rape in the military... we despise it, I am sick you went though such.

You witnessed a spiritual suicide... his soul is in every sense dead... rape cannot be undone but in time forgiveness will free you to heal.

Absolutely do not return to him and begin thinking about the preparations for divorce... cheating is not the ultimate sin in a marriage, rape most assuredly is.

He knows if you follow through and he receives what he deserves, he will lose his military career, his freedom, his standing as he would now be a sexual offender, and mostly his livelihood unless he becomes self-employed in the future.... that is no longer your concern.

He should beg forgiveness every single day for the rest of his life... to your spirit alone as you would be foolish to be present.

Your focus is on one thing alone... your safety and health in both mind, body, and soul, and that is no longer a sure thing in his presence.

Do not return to him and no longer listen to your friend... her submissive words are dangerous.

There are resources to assist you, please use them.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I'm not sure. Can a husband "rape" his wife, I mean can he be charged with rape if they are married? Does it require a high level of violence or threats?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> I'm not sure. Can a husband "rape" his wife, I mean can he be charged with rape if they are married? Does it require a high level of violence or threats?


Since a wife is not the property of her husband, yes, a husband can rape his wife.

And no, a high level of violence or threats is not required, no higher than with a woman he is not married to.

A woman,even a married women has the right to only have sex when she wants to have sex.

I'm shocked that you do not know that it is a crime for a man to rape his wife.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> I'm not sure. Can a husband "rape" his wife, I mean can he be charged with rape if they are married? Does it require a high level of violence or threats?


Marital rape in United States law, also known as spousal rape, is non-consensual sex in which the perpetrator is the victim's spouse. It is a form of partner rape, of domestic violence, and of sexual abuse. Today, marital rape is illegal in all 50 US states.

Wiki...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> *I'm not sure. Can a husband "rape" his wife, I mean can he be charged with rape if they are married? Does it require a high level of violence or threats?*


*Sorry, but the legal standard for the criminal offense of "rape" does not even begin to deviate, even if one is married, albeit traditional or common law! 

Once she waives her spousal right to not testify against him, he is just like any other indicted defendant in the well! 

And further being an active member of the U. S. military, he is in far worse position for being charged, tried, and summarily removed from military service for "conduct unbecoming" by the JAG prosecutorial corps with a dishonorable discharge mandating loss of rank and all accrued benefits!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How many days has it been since the rape? Do you have any visible injuries?
> 
> 
> Do you have anyone you can move in with? Any family? (Not your friend)


It happened on Wednesday night and I haven't been in contact with him since, Because he has been non-stop at my phone I've decided to switch it off. He has no idea where I am or that I'm staying in a hotel. I grew up in foster care so no family unfortunately, I have good friends back in my home state and I've been looking to go back there but I know he'll expect me to be there at this stage.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Omg OP I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. And by the man that you love and trusted more than any other...incomprehensible.
> 
> I do agree that you should report the rape to the police. If you're not ready/able/undecided on whether to press charges, you don't necessarily have to, but there should be an official record of the rape somewhere. I think that's very important.
> 
> An absolutely terrible thing to have happened to you, and I truly hope you will take good care of yourself and get the support you will need to get through this x


Thank you and everyone on this for the support and advice, I didn't realise a forum could help me see clearly as much as this has. In all honesty I feel absolutely broken inside. But I have been thinking that reporting it, as scary and real as it will make it, is the right thing to do. As much as I loved him I need to be strong and protect myself.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have any visible injuries?


I have a cut on my forehead from hitting the tiles when he dragged me out of the bath and a bruised upper arm from his grip on me.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> My heart is breaking here... war does terrible things to our military but is no excuse for this.
> 
> I am diagnosed PTSD... this is not that, this is an ego out of control fueled by alcohol and an outcome of criminal behavior.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate you all taking the time to advice me etc, I really do!

My husband is ex-military and has been almost two years now so I'm unsure how that works? I assume the civilian authorities is the way to go.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Amethyst
I'm very sorry this happened to you. It is in no way your fault - arguments are one thing, they happen in relationships, but rape / assault is completely different. 

His only excuse is actual mental illness, and it he is so mentally ill that he hurt someone he loves, then he belongs in a institution until he can be cured. This is not the sort of thing that can ever be overlooked, or ignored.

You will hear a lot of advice, but what you do is entirely your decision. None of us were there, or know about your relationship. 

My advice is to leave immediately. He is dangerous and might hurt you again. Whether or not you report to the police is up to you - depending on the situation it may not be possible to convict him, but having a report on file may make it easier if he does it again, to you or another woman.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> *You witnessed a spiritual suicide... his soul is in every sense dead... rape cannot be undone but in time forgiveness will free you to heal.*


This really stood out to me and I broke down crying as I read it because I feel it related to him so much. My husband is a tortured soul and has been since I met him, He has a tragic past and he always claimed I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he only felt happiness when we got together. Its too bad he f**k that up!


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> This brings up an interesting point; what can be done with a rape kit in this case?
> 
> The presence of semen and pubic hairs will be meaningless, as he is her husband----they could have come from consensual sex, how could it possibly be proven otherwise?
> 
> ...


I have a cut on my forehead from hitting the tiles when he dragged me out of the bath and a bruised upper arm from his grip on me.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notmyrealname4 said:


> This brings up an interesting point; what can be done with a rape kit in this case?
> 
> The presence of semen and pubic hairs will be meaningless, as he is her husband----they could have come from consensual sex, how could it possibly be proven otherwise?.


A rape kit will verify that there was sex and that it was with him.
If there are any injuries, it will record those injuries.

And it creates a record that he assaulted and raped her.

Rape kits are important, even with spousal rape.

She needs at the very least a restraining order and to have this on record.




notmyrealname4 said:


> @Amethyst what Elegirl asked about visible injuries is *very* important. The presence of your husband's semen and body hair on you is explained by your marital relationship.
> 
> The presence of bruises, broken skin, trauma to the vaginal and/or anal area and so forth, is not (ordinarily) accepted as a consequence of being married. So, it's very important that you have any marks documented officially. And that you do report this.
> 
> ...


People often use PTSD to excuse all kinds of bad behavior. I’m hoping that the OP does not buy into this nonsense.

There is a good chance that PTSD has nothing to do with her husband apparent need to go way over the top to put her in her place. This speaks to something very broken in his very core. And it was probably broken long before he joined the military.

And even if the PTSD is 100% responsible for him raping her, he’s now a very dangerous man. When things are not going his way, this is how far he will go to regain control.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amethyst said:


> I have a cut on my forehead from hitting the tiles when he dragged me out of the bath and a bruised upper arm from his grip on me.


How many days ago was the rape?

Please call the police and get this on record. Even if you are not going to press charges, please get the rape and assault on record. And ask for a restraining order.

Get someone to photograph the visible injuries. 

One reason to get a rape kit is to determine if there are any internal injuries. Is there anywhere that you are sore but don't have a cut or bruise externally?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Amethyst said:


> Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate you all taking the time to advice me etc, I really do!
> 
> My husband is ex-military and has been almost two years now so I'm unsure how that works? I assume the civilian authorities is the way to go.


Since he is no longer active duty, if he has any reserve time left his commander needs to have a copy of the filed report from the civilian authorities. This is not retaliatory, this is protect any future behavior from taking root. Once the commander is notified through receiving the report, they are bound by policy and procedure (regulation) to notify Criminal Investigations Division (military detectives) for their involvement and then be in a position to direct a medical behavioral evaluation... this is a must for any recovery program and your husband will have little choice but to attend.

There are many step in this, but all the military's responsibility. 

You have strength, you can do this... coming here shows your courage.

Document all you can, as soon as you can... especially the physical as other recommended.

If you have no viable support structure, we can have a gofundme set up to help you at least with some finances but if you have any savings or money in checking, pull 50% of that out immediately and transfer it to a place you have immediate access. If you have automatic deposits in your name, change those accounts as well to your new account, your crisis center has access to financial support if needed as well.

The report process with authorities should invoke a mandatory restraining order that will be good for no contact over phone as well, any communication for that matter. If you work and you intend to continue working where you are right now, be sure your supervisor knows that the RO/NC is in effect so you can be safe there.

As others have also said, your local crisis center is well prepared to help you move you through every assistance.

My meditation and wishing you strength is in overdrive today...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see PTSD as an "excuse". Its a real condition. To my mind though, anyone with such severe psychological issues that they are unable to keep from hurting others is dangerously insane and needs to be locked of for the safety of others. If they can be cured, that is fine.

If he simply decided to rape her for control, then he is a rapist and belongs in prison. 

Prison, mental institution - either is fine, but he shouldn't be on the streets.

Not meaning to argue, but I don't understand the importance of a rape kit in this situation. I would think that courts would assume a married couple have sex (even if it sometimes isn't true), so the rape kit really doesn't add any information. The bruises do - though they may not be conclusive in this case. Even so, reporting this seems like a good idea, but it is up to the OP. 






EleGirl said:


> A rape kit will verify that there was sex and that it was with him.
> If there are any injuries, it will record those injuries.
> 
> And it creates a record that he assaulted and raped her.
> ...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> People often use PTSD to excuse all kinds of bad behavior. I’m hoping that the OP does not buy into this nonsense.
> 
> There is a good chance that PTSD has nothing to do with her husband apparently needed to go way over the top to put her in her place. This speaks to something very broken in his very core. And it was probably broken long before he joined the military.
> 
> And even if the PTSD is 100% responsible for him raping her, he’s now a very dangerous man. When things are not going his way, this is how far he will go to regain control.


A thousand Likes...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I don't see PTSD as an "excuse". Its a real condition.


It is a real condition... and substance abuse can be a symptom of it, but the emotions which triggered this horrid behavior through an alcohol fueled ego is scant of any signs of it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sokillme said:


> Certainly you are not advocating that she one day reconcile with her rapist are you? Really?


I'm not advocating one way or the other. But she proclaims to be 'really' in love with him, so it's going to be hard for her to just drop everything and run. So I'm offering a halfway move - to move out and demand he get therapy. If he does, who knows what might happen? She says he never did anything else like this, right? Completely out of the blue, this type of action, and he obviously never dealt with what happened over there, and it only happened after she threatened to leave him (while not meaning it, but he didn't know that) and then - to him - just went and took a bath like nothing at all had happened (probably how HE saw it). I'm just saying that it sounds to me like he had a psychotic break; she was his 'savior' when he came home, so he most likely was completely wrapped up in her, unsafely so, so his entire safety net was pulled out from under him.

A psychologist could explain this better, but I've read a lot of other stories that played out this way.

ETA: He needs help. If she tells him she'll see what happens after he gets a LOT of mental help, he just might be more likely to get it.

Of course, the alternative is to have him arrested, but we all know the track record in our judicial system for such a thing. I just think this might be the best method for them both to heal - she leaves and he gets help. Of course, amethyst, you should be getting therapy, too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Amethyst said:


> My husband is a tortured soul and has been since I met him, He has a tragic past and he always claimed I was the best thing that ever happened to him


lol, this reminds me of a boyfriend my DD25 had back in high school. I thought he was creepy but she liked him. She told me that his mom said 'oh, I'm so glad you're in my son's life; you're the best thing that ever happened to him!' I thought that was weird...until he started showing his abusive streaks and she broke up with him a month later. Idiot spent the entire next year in school getting back at her; he is in prison now for drugs and child pornography.

So I always tell people if someone says 'you're so good for him' - run!


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How many days ago was the rape?
> 
> 
> One reason to get a rape kit is to determine if there are any internal injuries. Is there anywhere that you are sore but don't have a cut or bruise externally?


It happened on Wednesday night and apart from the injuries I mentioned, I know its probably TMI, but I have vaginal bleeding and soreness.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hon, that requires a doctor! Please do the proper steps for a rape, ok? If you don't, down the road, maybe years later, you're going to be mad at yourself for not following through. Get those scratches and bruises documented.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Amethyst said:


> It happened on Wednesday night and apart from the injuries I mentioned, I know its probably TMI, but I have vaginal bleeding and soreness.


I think it's tme for you to stop asking strangers for help and logout and get medical and law enforcement help.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Actually the military is notoriously bad when deciding whom to try to prosecute for criminal sexual assault. And conduct unbecoming will only get you a slap on the wrist, if anything. The senior commander can change the findings of the court to a lessor charge or dismiss all findings, with no reason required.

I believe the OP said he has left the military, so she might have better luck with the civilian authorities.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PTSD is a real condition, but using it here does a disservice to the many men who have it and don't brutalize others. 

The fact is that he is capable of brutalizing others..... it's possible ptsd could aid in bringing it out but it doesn't create it.

Men who aren't capable of brutalizing women are not going to start because they have ptsd.

That's up there with mommy didn't love me enough so it's not my fault I killed people. I'm sorry mommy didn't love you enough but that doesn't make people who aren't killers into killers, and if it did we'd have a lot of killers running around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amethyst said:


> Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate you all taking the time to advice me etc, I really do!
> 
> My husband is ex-military and has been almost two years now so I'm unsure how that works? I assume the civilian authorities is the way to go.


Since he’s no longer in the military, the military would not be involved in any way. Go to the civilian authorities. The sooner you do this the better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uhtred said:


> I don’t see PTSD s an “excuse”. It’s a read condition.


I’m quite aware that PTSD is a read condition. I have PTSD. As a child I lived in a war torn African country and experienced things that no one should ever have to experience. I have also been raped. And I was attacked by a guy (someone I don’t know) who tried to strangle me to death and attempted raped. I get what PTSD is.

However, some people use PTSD as an excuse. I know this for a fact since I know some people who use it as an excuse for all kinds of bad behavior. These are guys who acted the same bad way before getting into the military and going to Iraq. Only now, when they do the exact same things that they did before, they cry PTSD. That’s what I was referring to when I said it was not an excuse and he might be using it to excuse things that have nothing to do with any PTSD that he might have from the military.



uhtred said:


> Not meaning to argue, but I don't understand the importance of a rape kit in this situation. I would think that courts would assume a married couple have sex (even if it sometimes isn't true), so the rape kit really doesn't add any information. The bruises do - though they may not be conclusive in this case. Even so, reporting this seems like a good idea, but it is up to the OP.


Recoding of things like bruises and cuts can be included when the rape kit is taken. However, I think that instead of arguing here about whether or not a rape kit is appropriate for this case, the best advice to Amethyst is that she go to an emergency room to have her injuries checked out and recorded. The emergency room folks are required to call the police. So at the same time, she talk to them and police about what needs to be done. Let them tell her if a rape kit makes sense. 
AT the very least the kit would record her injuries and verify that sex actually happened. He could come back and say that he left that house that night (which he did) so they did not have sex. But I think that it’s probably too many days for a lot of the samples they normally collect for a rape kit.

So, Amethyst, just go to the emergency room to get checked out. Have them call the police. Get this recorded and get a restraining order. 

ETA: There is another reason that I can think of for getting a rape kit (if it’s not too late). Police departments around the country are finally taking rape kits seriously and processing all new ones and the back logs. They are catching serious rapists this way because after processing a kit they now run the DNA through a rapist DNA database. There have now been a hundred or more serial rapists caught and prosecuted this way.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

OP if you have vaginal bruises & bleeding, please if anything get to the hospital for yourself firstly for your health. 
If you want this can be used as evidence with the police. 
I didn't go to the police & it's one of my biggest regrets. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> A rape kit will verify that there was sex and that it was with him.
> If there are any injuries, it will record those injuries.
> 
> And it creates a record that he assaulted and raped her.
> ...





Amethyst said:


> I have a cut on my forehead from hitting the tiles when he dragged me out of the bath and a bruised upper arm from his grip on me.


If you are going to report this, you will need to do it today. The only proof you have is your injuries. Once they have healed, you have nothing.
It is unlikely that will even result in a conviction unless he were to confess. As EleGirl mentioned, the rape kit does not necessarily prove rape, but it does prove that there was sexual penetration and collect DNA, which is important.
Despite that, I would still recommend that you report this to the police so there is a record. If he did this to you, it is likely he will do something similar in the future to someone else. You also need a restraining order.
I am sorry this has happened to you and that you are alone. 
How are you paying for your hotel? Do you have a job?



sapientia said:


> Please don't forgive him and take him back asap. This will only lead to further abuse. At minimum, this guy needs a lot of counselling for his anger issues that have nothing to do with you.


In order to heal, you will need to forgive him, but that does not mean you have to ever speak to him again. This is not something you need to worry about right now, however. Right now you need to deal with the immediate situation.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Amethyst said:


> I thought she was the one person I could talk to about this since we have been close friends since childhood but I was taken back when she said that and then I began doubting my decision to leave. I loved and trusted him so much and we had a very happy marriage with a few disagreements but our argument got completely out of hand and I shouldn't have said what I did to him but his reaction was something I never expected from him, I feel like I've lost my best friend and at the same time I feel hatred for him.


Your "friend" probably is not thinking straight because she wants things to be the way they were and she probably has trouble imagining what he did to you despite you telling here. I'm just guessing, of course.

I definitely would not go back to him or engage him - certainly not any time soon - and I would try to get to a woman's shelter, or at least get yourself surrounded by supportive people who do not have their own vested interest in you two being a couple. 

Get some distance so you can see the situation more objectively.

What I am very curious about is this:
You say you loved him so and things were actually really good prior to this, and that you should not have said what you said to him.

But you DID say it. OK, you said it to hurt him but why? What inside you wanted to inflict that pain on him? Did that really come from just one isolated argument.

I remember just screaming "I hate you I hate you I hate you" at my first husband one day - over something that would seem incredibly small to any onlooker. And if you had asked me at the time I would have said "I love him so much, in general we are really happy, we get along great, I just lost my mind..."

But now in hindsight I realize I was not happy at all, and he was not treating me that great at ll. The "I hate yous" were an explosion of repressed hurt and frustration that had slowly built up over time. I thought we were fine but my subconscious knew the truth.

Good luck to you and I'm really sorry about what he did to you and what you're going through.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> What I am very curious about is this:
> You say you loved him so and things were actually really good prior to this, and that you should not have said what you said to him.


I don't think this makes any difference at this point. The whole issue with the rape is so overwhelming that she needs to deal with that. As far as what she said and all that, I think it's a completely different issue that should be worked through later. Yes, what she said was terrible and maybe inexcusable, but his response to it was something that is brutal and deeply disturbing and downright criminal.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> I don't think this makes any difference at this point. The whole issue with the rape is so overwhelming that she needs to deal with that. As far as what she said and all that, I think it's a completely different issue that should be worked through later. Yes, what she said was terrible and maybe inexcusable, but his response to it was something that is brutal and deeply disturbing and downright criminal.


The reason I think it is relevant is that in case a voice inside her head starts saying anything like "everything was so great with us before this isolated incident, and look how sorry he is and desperate to get me back. He was always so gentle and respectful before... This was just a freak occurrence. Maybe I should give him another chance..." she should know that obviously everything was not good like she thought and on some level she has known that for some time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> The reason I think it is relevant is that in case a voice inside her head starts saying anything like "everything was so great with us before this isolated incident, and look how sorry he is and desperate to get me back. He was always so gentle and respectful before... This was just a freak occurrence. Maybe I should give him another chance..." she should know that obviously everything was not good like she thought and on some level she has known that for some time.


I see. That makes sense.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

turnera said:


> I'm not advocating one way or the other. But she proclaims to be 'really' in love with him, so it's going to be hard for her to just drop everything and run. So I'm offering a halfway move - to move out and demand he get therapy. If he does, who knows what might happen? She says he never did anything else like this, right? Completely out of the blue, this type of action, and he obviously never dealt with what happened over there, and it only happened after she threatened to leave him (while not meaning it, but he didn't know that) and then - to him - just went and took a bath like nothing at all had happened (probably how HE saw it). I'm just saying that it sounds to me like he had a psychotic break; she was his 'savior' when he came home, so he most likely was completely wrapped up in her, unsafely so, so his entire safety net was pulled out from under him.
> 
> A psychologist could explain this better, but I've read a lot of other stories that played out this way.
> 
> ...


OK so then just to get where you are coming from if for you rape isn't it, is there ever something too heinous that you would advice a BS not to consider reconciliation?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> ETA: There is another reason that I can think of for getting a rape kit (if it’s not too late). Police departments around the country are finally taking rape kits seriously and processing all new ones and the back logs. They are catching serious rapists this way because after processing a kit they now run the DNA through a rapist DNA database. There have now been a hundred or more serial rapists caught and prosecuted this way.


QFT. We have had a HUGE brouhaha here in Houston because of the rape kit backlog, and we're not the only city to put it last on the priority list. Some cases go back to the 1980s! 

I bring that up, OP, to let you know that even if you go to the police and file a report, it probably won't be a huge deal and turn your life upside down. But it WILL give you some peace of mind. I hope you're at the doctor right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sokillme said:


> OK so then just to get where you are coming from if for you rape isn't it, is there ever something too heinous that you would advice a BS not to consider reconciliation?


IDK, this isn't about ME. And it's different for every person. I'm going off of what SHE has said. She wants to be alone...but she loves him 'so much.' And I sense she will waver. So I'm offering a way for her to GET away from him yet still not be the horrible person she fears being. 

Odds are, if she moves out and tells him to get the multi-years of therapy before she will take him back, guess what? He won't do it. He'll say he will, but after a few months, based on psychology, he'll peter out and give up, and she'll have her decision made for her.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Amethyst said:


> I meant to state that we do not have children.


Then get the eff out of there and never look back.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

Ok, So I went to the hospital yesterday and like I and many of you predicted it was a little too long gone to collect semen or anything like that but they have documented the vaginal bleeding/cuts etc. as well as the bruising on my arm and face. Like predicted the police arrived and a really nice female cop sat with me and had me go over what had happened and what my options are and that what I described is rape in the third degree and may include probation, a fine or up to four year in prison. I can have him charged with domestic assault at the very least, and include the rape in the report but also said I don't have to have him charged with rape unless I want to do that, but I should at least have it recorded. 


I know I said things that I knew without doubt would hurt him because he always said I was his anchor that kept him together and I was being a ***** to him that night and despite him never previously putting his hands on me or ever really raising his voice to me it was completely out of character for him that I'm still shocked and shaken by it but for me him doing that is once too many for me. As much as I know despite feeling hate for him I know I still love him but I cant see how we could ever get past this and I definitely wouldn't feel safe and protected around him like I once did. 


I've been thinking of what way to do this and although I'm leaving him I don't know if I want to charge him with rape. I know many may think I'm incredibly stupid and its no excuse but he has suffered so much in his life that I honestly don't think he could take anymore and genuinely believe that me leaving him would be enough to (_in search of a better term_) make him pay for his actions.


Am I being stupid thinking this?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Please don't let him get back out there to be able to do this again to some other poor woman. His violence may escalate even more next time. He is a violent person and needs to be locked up.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I understand your feelings.
> 
> No-one can tell you what to do; you have to decide on your own, because you will be the one to live with the decision.
> 
> ...




First thing Monday I'm going to look into a divorce.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sure that was hard to do. It took courage.

I understand you not wanting to charge him with rape, but like you said, you can at least make sure it's in the report. That will be on record permanently. And you can get a restraining order and a divorce.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

You want advice you can use?

Have him arrested on domestic abuse charges and then file for divorce.

Yes it really is that simple.

Wait, I just read that you "don't want" to charge him with rape.

Then do nothing, and wait for it to happen again. 

Good luck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mclane said:


> You want advice you can use?
> 
> Have him arrested on domestic abuse charges and then file for divorce.
> 
> ...


You are misrepresenting what she said she was going to do.

She is charging him with domestic assault. That is something that can stick. She is not sitting back and doing nothing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

By you filing a report for assault, it's the most likely way he will ever go to therapy to work through his issues. Odd as it sounds, you may be helping him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You are not being stupid. None of us were there to see what happened, or to know how you feel. 

What you do is your choice. 




Amethyst said:


> Ok, So I went to the hospital yesterday and like I and many of you predicted it was a little too long gone to collect semen or anything like that but they have documented the vaginal bleeding/cuts etc. as well as the bruising on my arm and face. Like predicted the police arrived and a really nice female cop sat with me and had me go over what had happened and what my options are and that what I described is rape in the third degree and may include probation, a fine or up to four year in prison. I can have him charged with domestic assault at the very least, and include the rape in the report but also said I don't have to have him charged with rape unless I want to do that, but I should at least have it recorded.
> 
> 
> I know I said things that I knew without doubt would hurt him because he always said I was his anchor that kept him together and I was being a ***** to him that night and despite him never previously putting his hands on me or ever really raising his voice to me it was completely out of character for him that I'm still shocked and shaken by it but for me him doing that is once too many for me. As much as I know despite feeling hate for him I know I still love him but I cant see how we could ever get past this and I definitely wouldn't feel safe and protected around him like I once did.
> ...


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Agreed about filing the report. I don't know much about these things but it seems the court would at least order him to get some kind of counselling for his anger?

What does your ex do for work?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

OP, the conflict you are feeling right now is NOT a result of you being stupid. It is a result of the person who you should be able to trust most in the world betraying your trust and violating your body in the worst way imaginable. You are going to feel what you are going to feel. I wouldn't waste a minute blaming yourself for what you said. You didn't make this happen. This was done to you with no control on your part. There's no excuse for raping someone whether they're a stranger or your wife. You didn't do anything to prompt this. Whether you had an argument before this or not is totally irrelevant. NOTHING you could have done would have made you deserve what he did.

Don't punish yourself for what you feel. You did the right thing by going to the police and getting treatment for your injuries. Now you need to do what's best for your own recovery. Did the police put you in touch with a rape trauma counselor? They can be really helpful in sorting through your reactions. From what I understand as a totally unqualified layperson, many victims of marital rape and sexual assault from their partners experience feelings of conflict. You trusted this person and loved this person before he raped you. But then he raped you. Whatever he once was, he is no longer the man you fell in love with. I'm glad to hear you're considering divorce. I hope for your own protection that you follow through.

Are you speaking to a counselor? Have you contacted a loved one or real friend (read, not the friend you originally told)? You don't have to go through this alone. If the situation were reversed and a friend were going through this, I bet you would want them to reach out. Nobody should have to go through what you went through and then pick up the pieces by yourself. I hope you continue to post. Let the people who love you, your family, your true friends, be there for you during this time. If you don't want to share what happened you don't have to. But you need to be around people who care about you right now.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> You are misrepresenting what she said she was going to do.
> 
> She is charging him with domestic assault. That is something that can stick. She is not sitting back and doing nothing.


I missed that part. All I read was that she cannot bring herself to charge him with rape because he's suffered so much in his life and leaving him will be enough of a consequence. Or something like that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mclane said:


> I missed that part. All I read was that she cannot bring herself to charge him with rape because he's suffered so much in his life and leaving him will be enough of a consequence. Or something like that.


You may have missed a page. She went to the police and had a rape kit done. She is pressing charges for assault.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> You may have missed a page. She went to the police and had a rape kit done. She is pressing charges for assault.


 @CynthiaDe

Wrong, on both counts.

She did not go to the police and she did not have a rape kit done.

Perhaps you're confusing this thread with another one.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mclane said:


> @CynthiaDe
> 
> Wrong, on both counts.
> 
> ...


We must be reading it differently.
She went to the ER and reported the rape. The police arrived. This is what she was expecting. She spoke to the police and from how I read this, she is pressing charges.



Amethyst said:


> Ok, So I went to the hospital yesterday and like I and many of you predicted it was a little too long gone to collect semen or anything like that but they have documented the vaginal bleeding/cuts etc. as well as the bruising on my arm and face. Like predicted the police arrived and a really nice female cop sat with me and had me go over what had happened and what my options are and that what I described is rape in the third degree and may include probation, a fine or up to four year in prison. I can have him charged with domestic assault at the very least, and include the rape in the report but also said I don't have to have him charged with rape unless I want to do that, but I should at least have it recorded.


 @Amethyst, are you planning to press assault charges?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Amethyst said:


> My husband and I have been together 7yrs, We met a month after he got back from his tour in Iraq, married a year later. Since I met him he has always been a very closed off person, he doesn't open up easily and doesn't want to be around many people, He rarely attends social events with me as he says he prefers it to me just me and him, Despite that he is the most caring man ever, I love him so much. The other night we had a huge intense argument, one like we've never had before, we said things that hurt each other, me telling him ( purposely to hurt him) that I hated him and regretted marrying him, Straight away I could see the hurt in him and I regretted saying it but he walked out. I went to have a bath to calm down, he obviously started drinking when he was out, A while later my husband came into the bathroom dragged me from the bath and into our bedroom, the rest is pretty obvious, I tried to fight him off but I couldn't, he then just walked out of our house. I was in shock but straight away packed a few things and checked into a hotel. I've been ignoring his calls asking and pleading me to forgive him that he didn't know what came over him. I love him so much but I cant get past this. I confided in my best friend and she just said as horrible as it was... He made a mistake and that it seems he is regretful and she said maybe he has realized now there is a standard which he should always abide by and he tried a stupid power game when I "broke into his manhood through words" Apparently she said she's not justifying what he did but now I'm feeling like I've over reacted about the whole situation, My head is all over the place right now I need some guidance, Am I over reacting as he's my husband?


A lot is wrong here.

You cannot solve it by yourselves.

Find a counselor.

He is "begging for forgiveness". In biblical terms, this means he'd rather die than not be forgiven by you. Therefore, you can set the rules.

You give him the following rules:

1) No more sex of any kind until this is resolved.
2) No more drinking until this is resolved
3) We go into couples counseling immediately

If he does not agree with all of the above eagerly and looking forward to it, I suggest divorce, for your own safety.

And I don't advocate divorce.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

My mother always taught me don't divorce unless there is AAA or A. Adultery, abuse, addiction or abandonment. He hit the abuse A. Time to get get and now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amethyst said:


> Ok, So I went to the hospital yesterday and like I and many of you predicted it was a little too long gone to collect semen or anything like that but they have documented the vaginal bleeding/cuts etc. as well as the bruising on my arm and face. Like predicted the police arrived and a really nice female cop sat with me and had me go over what had happened and what my options are and that what I described is rape in the third degree and may include probation, a fine or up to four year in prison. I can have him charged with domestic assault at the very least, and include the rape in the report but also said I don't have to have him charged with rape unless I want to do that, but I should at least have it recorded.
> 
> 
> I know I said things that I knew without doubt would hurt him because he always said I was his anchor that kept him together and I was being a ***** to him that night and despite him never previously putting his hands on me or ever really raising his voice to me it was completely out of character for him that I'm still shocked and shaken by it but for me him doing that is once too many for me. As much as I know despite feeling hate for him I know I still love him but I cant see how we could ever get past this and I definitely wouldn't feel safe and protected around him like I once did.
> ...


I'm glad you went to the hospital and that you spoke to the police.

Are you saying that you have vaginal bleeding now, 4-5 days after the rape? What did the doctors say about this? How badly were you injured?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Amethyst, 

What your husband did was sexual assault, and assault is a crime. I can completely understand how it might feel confusing or overwhelming to think about reporting him to the police and then going through a court case, so I would recommend for now two easy things:

1) I recommend that you go to a doctor right away. It doesn't have to be the emergency room, but take some photos of the injuries and call your regular physician and tell the receptionist that it is urgent and you need to be seen right away. Let your doctor help you PHYSICALLY whether that be documenting injuries, giving you advice how to heal physically, or checking for STDs. Your doctor can help you take care of yourself physically and help you sleep better, help you eat again, etc. 

2) I recommend that you contact https://www.rainn.org/ You can call them at 800-656-HOPE or you can click on the link and do a chat. That's what a lot of women do because it's too scary to call...but you know and I know that talking to someone will help. The person on the call or on the chat will be trained to help you HELP YOURSELF. They won't make decisions for you, but they will help you find resources such as support in your area. Sometimes there are rape crisis centers ... sometimes doctors who are discreet ... and sometimes just a counselor or support group near you. If you're an "online" gal, they can help you find a forum much like this that is all about folks recovering from rape. 

Finally I leave you with this thought. Those of us who are not in your shoes might say "OF COURSE you should call the police and report the man!" but we are sitting safe and sound in our homes, and we see an obvious offense has been committed. We are NOT where you are: out of our home, betrayed by someone we trusted, not sure about the future, scared and hurt. So even though we want to see justice (and we do), it is okay for YOU to decide what YOU want to do. YOU are in your shoes, living your life. YOU may decide it's too much for you--that getting away is hard enough and you'll do that. Good for you!! That is your choice! You may decide that you want to go to the doctor and then try to "move on"--Good! I'm grateful you want to take care of yourself! But what is vitally important is that you understand you are IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE, and you take steps to care for yourself and be safe. 

Would you like to continue to talk or is that enough of a first step or two?


----------



## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> @Amethyst, are you planning to press assault charges?


Yes, I will be having him charged.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Amethyst said:


> Ok, So I went to the hospital yesterday and like I and many of you predicted it was a little too long gone to collect semen or anything like that but they have documented the vaginal bleeding/cuts etc. as well as the bruising on my arm and face. Like predicted the police arrived and a really nice female cop sat with me and had me go over what had happened and what my options are and that what I described is rape in the third degree and may include probation, a fine or up to four year in prison. I can have him charged with domestic assault at the very least, and include the rape in the report but also said I don't have to have him charged with rape unless I want to do that, but I should at least have it recorded.
> 
> 
> I know I said things that I knew without doubt would hurt him because he always said I was his anchor that kept him together and I was being a ***** to him that night and despite him never previously putting his hands on me or ever really raising his voice to me it was completely out of character for him that I'm still shocked and shaken by it but for me him doing that is once too many for me. As much as I know despite feeling hate for him I know I still love him but I cant see how we could ever get past this and I definitely wouldn't feel safe and protected around him like I once did.
> ...


No you are not. Because you really are in shock. 

It must be like when someone finds out their spouse is a bank robber or an arsonist or a child molester or a rapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I'm glad you went to the hospital and that you spoke to the police.
> 
> Are you saying that you have vaginal bleeding now, 4-5 days after the rape? What did the doctors say about this? How badly were you injured?


Yes I did at that point, Thankfully it has now stopped. I was injured a bit in that area from the violent force of him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> OK so then just to get where you are coming from if for you rape isn't it, is there ever something too heinous that you would advice a BS not to consider reconciliation?


You seem to have tried to turn what Turnera said into a pretzel. 

Why? You didn't like her advice, so you decided to make it look like she was a rape apologist?

It's very unhelpful to Amethyst and to TAM in general, when people start spurious arguments that take threads off topic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Amethyst said:


> Yes I did at that point, Thankfully it has now stopped. I was injured a bit in that area from the violent force of him.


I think you were injured more than "a bit."

He needs help, assistance and whatever. But guess what, Amethyst? That's not *your* job!

Because one of the items of assistance he needs is to be legally dealt with for his crime against you. This assistance tells him: "You committed a heinous crime and you must be punished for it."


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> We must be reading it differently.
> She went to the ER and reported the rape. The police arrived. This is what she was expecting. She spoke to the police and from how I read this, she is pressing charges.


She went to the hospital and was treated for rape. That's all. 

The police apparently were called (by a mandatory reporter in the hospital in all likelihood), and they came to her, in the hospital. Nowhere in her posts did she say she expected the police to be called, nowhere in this thread did she say that she went to the police, nor did she say she is pressing charges- until a few hours ago on a new post of hers.

I know we're getting a bit off topic here @CynthiaDe but this is a prime example of how "miscommunications" happen. This is how two people can have a disagreement and come away with two completely different interpretations of what actually happened.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mclane said:


> 3rd post by a newbie with a link to a commercial website in the poster's area.
> 
> Hmm.. @johnbobo are you by any chance the criminal lawyer whose website you linked to in your 3rd post or a representative of that site?
> 
> Just curious.


And that is why we NEVER quote advertising spam complete with their links, because it is just doing their job for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mclane said:


> She went to the hospital and was treated for rape. That's all.


There is no medical treatment for rape. So not she did not go to the hospital to be treated for rape.
She went to the hospital, as she was advised to do on this thread, because that’s one very good way start the process of reporting a rape. Hospital emergency rooms have medical professionals trained in helping victims of rape and domestic violence. They collect and record the evidence such as rape kits, record injuries, etc.
And they are manatory reporters. She was advised to go to the hospital and the medical professionals there would call the police. That took some of the burden off of her. With the trauma of what she went through, it’s good for her to have people who can help her with the hard stuff.


Mclane said:


> The police apparently were called (by a mandatory reporter in the hospital in all likelihood), and they came to her, in the hospital. Nowhere in her posts did she say she expected the police to be called, nowhere in this thread did she say that she went to the police, nor did she say she is pressing charges- until a few hours ago on a new post of hers.


The police were called. She said that she talked to them. What is your issue with her not doing things the way you think she should?

It does not matter if she called the police for if the medical folks did. They were called.

She is bringing criminal charges against her husband for assault. That’s what needed to be done. It’s done.


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## DrSher (Jul 17, 2016)

Reporting crimes does not belong on a marriage forum. Also, whatever you post here about it, could also be legally used.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You seem to have tried to turn what Turnera said into a pretzel.
> 
> Why? You didn't like her advice, so you decided to make it look like she was a rape apologist?
> 
> It's very unhelpful to Amethyst and to TAM in general, when people start spurious arguments that take threads off topic.


Amethyst need to be getting as far away from her rapist as possible, the advice was about eventually reconciling with her rapist. This advice is diametrically apposed to Am's healing. The only advice when someone rapes you is to never even see them again unless it is in a court setting as they are being prosecuted. 

And you say *I *am unhelpful to Amethyst and Tam? That's a laugh.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> A lot is wrong here.
> 
> You cannot solve it by yourselves.
> 
> ...


You seem to care more about her not getting divorced then the fact that she was raped. :surprise: The man should be prosecuted. Not working to restore a marriage. Shame on you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DrSher said:


> Reporting crimes does not belong on a marriage forum. Also, whatever you post here about it, could also be legally used.


:wtf:

Seriously, dude? That's all you have for us? :surprise:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> You seem to care more about her not getting divorced then the fact that she was raped. :surprise: The man should be prosecuted. Not working to restore a marriage. Shame on you.


What everyone else read was:



> *I suggest divorce, for your own safety*


Why didn't, or couldn't, you read that? :scratchhead:


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You seem to care more about her not getting divorced then the fact that she was raped. :surprise: The man should be prosecuted. Not working to restore a marriage. Shame on you.


I would like to point out that what I care about is not important.

If all that's done is that he is prosecuted and they divorce, there will be two badly damaged people who have made no progress toward restoration.

Whether the marriage remains intact - that's a choice for them to make.

What I saw is a complete lack of communications and knowing themselves and each other, and what I recommended was aimed at dealing with that. That's the only way they can make decisions moving forward that are in their best interest.

Rape is a horrible thing. No question. Yet, I've known people who've been raped who told me that recovering from it, including getting to understand the rapist, was an amazing eye-opener about who they were and how they acted. No, they never "accepted" rape, but they learned that they had never before accepted their responses to it, and now they could.

OP said:
"....he is the most caring man ever, I love him so much."

If she believes that, it's going to be hard for her to leave or prosecute...time spent understanding herself better may be required before she's able to pursue a response.

Then:
"me telling him ( purposely to hurt him) that I hated him and regretted marrying him, "

A person who struggles with her feelings. Simply leaving the current situation may protect her physically, but just from one person. Until she takes care of her mental and emotional health, she may be at risk of entering a relationship with another person who could do her harm.

Just my opinion, that's all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> I would like to point out that what I care about is not important.
> 
> If all that's done is that he is prosecuted and they divorce, there will be two badly damaged people who have made no progress toward restoration.
> 
> ...


It's important because of the advice you are giving. Rape is a crime it should be treated as such, getting understanding (though misguided, what's to understand?) does not mean spending the rest of your life with the rapist. Again shame on you. Your advice is a terrible thing to write to a person who has just been raped. You think staying with a person who raped you doesn't damage a person? Who cares if the rapist is damaged he should be in jail. Frankly I find your advice immoral.

Is there a religious reason you are so against divorce? Remember if we follow the Bibles rules the rapist would be dead at this point.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DustyDog said:


> Whether the marriage remains intact - that's a choice for them to make.


Call me wacky. But when someone violently rapes their spouse, there is no marriage. There is nothing to restore. All that is needful is for the victim to get safe.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> What everyone else read was:
> 
> 
> 
> Why didn't, or couldn't, you read that? :scratchhead:


I read it, but in the context of everything else in the post. Once someone rapes another person what they (the rapist) wants is irreverent. Seriously you think I am the one not getting things? Her husband belongs in jail. Any discussion about staying together is the worst possible advice.

Matt you really need to think about why you are so admit about defending reconciliation to the point that you are defending people who advocate it even when there is rape involved.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Call me wacky. But when someone violently rapes their spouse, there is no marriage. There is nothing to restore. All that is needful is for the victim to get safe.


That would be my view if it were my situation. But I've known people who had different views, and I honor people by accepting that their view is correct for them, at this time.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> There is no medical treatment for rape.


There can be medical treatment if there is hemorrhaging or other treatable injuries. 



EleGirl said:


> So not she did not go to the hospital to be treated for rape.


You make an incorrect hypothesis, and an incorrect conclusion. You have no idea why she went to the hospital, my guess is that she was in pain and wanted to be sure there was nothing that needed to be medically treated. Your guess is that she went to the hospital to report the rape to the police. If that was the case, then why go to the hospital at all? Just call the police or go to the police station and file a report.



EleGirl said:


> Hospital emergency rooms have medical professionals trained in helping victims of rape and domestic violence.


Right. She was treated- via counseling by trained professionals who know what to say and how to say it.



EleGirl said:


> They collect and record the evidence such as rape kits, record injuries, etc.


I'm sure they do. That doesn't mean that's why she went there in the first place. She certainly didn't say she did. 



EleGirl said:


> And they are manatory reporters. She was advised to go to the hospital and the medical professionals there would call the police.


Really? Please provide a link to her post where she was told to go to the hospital and the police would be called, thank you.



EleGirl said:


> What is your issue with her not doing things the way you think she should?


Until early this morning (my time zone) she had not yet decided to report the rape to the police, she said "he had been through enough suffering". I disagree with this approach as many other posters have as well for reasons that are obvious.

I have an issue when posts are paraphrased incorrectly, as you continue to do. Just looking to set the record straight is all. 



EleGirl said:


> It does not matter if she called the police for if the medical folks did.


It matters in the context of the thread, and her attitude and intent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> They collect and record the evidence such as rape kits, record injuries, etc.


I'm sure they do. That doesn't mean that's why she went there in the first place. She certainly didn't say she did. 



Mclane said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > And they are mandatory reporters. She was advised to go to the hospital and the medical professionals there would call the police.
> ...


Here you go. I advised the OP to go to the emergency room and that the police would be called. And this is exactly what she did.


EleGirl said:


> Recoding of things like bruises and cuts can be included when the rape kit is taken. However, I think that instead of arguing here about whether or not a rape kit is appropriate for this case, the best advice to Amethyst is that she go to an emergency room to have her injuries checked out and recorded. *The emergency room folks are required to call the police. * So at the same time, she talk to them and police about what needs to be done. Let them tell her if a rape kit makes sense.
> 
> AT the very least the kit would record her injuries and verify that sex actually happened. He could come back and say that he left that house that night (which he did) so they did not have sex. But I think that it’s probably too many days for a lot of the samples they normally collect for a rape kit.
> 
> *So, Amethyst, just go to the emergency room to get checked out. Have them call the police. Get this recorded and get a restraining order.*


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nd-raped-me-advice-please-5.html#post16127722


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DrSher said:


> Reporting crimes does not belong on a marriage forum.


You are wrong. Also, it's not your place to decide what can and cannot be posted on TAM.



DrSher said:


> Also, whatever you post here about it, could also be legally used.


This is true. So the OP needs to be careful that she does not post anything that hurts her case. She can also delete the text her posts... not just the posts if she is worried about this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> I think you were injured more than "a bit."
> 
> He needs help, assistance and whatever. But guess what, Amethyst? That's not *your* job!
> 
> Because one of the items of assistance he needs is to be legally dealt with for his crime against you. This assistance tells him: "You committed a heinous crime and you must be punished for it."


I like to tell the story of the two boys who shoplift a candy bar. One dad realizes what his son did and waves his finger at his son and says "Don't you ever do that again!" The other dad realizes it, takes the son back to the store, makes his son apologize, tells the owner that his son will work off the cost of the candy bar, and waits for him to finish the work before they can go home.

Which kid is going to do it again?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> I read it, but in the context of everything else in the post. Once someone rapes another person what they (the rapist) wants is irreverent. Seriously you think I am the one not getting things? Her husband belongs in jail. Any discussion about staying together is the worst possible advice.
> 
> Matt you really need to think about why you are so admit about defending reconciliation to the point that you are defending people who advocate it even when there is rape involved.


Defending reconciliation? Why did you choose to misrepresent my position in regards to this case?

What I actually wrote was



> Your friend is a rape apologist. She is not your friend.
> 
> Report the rape to the police.
> 
> ...


Reconciliation? Nope. Never mentioned it. Once. And using sophistry to try to generate some guilt by association will not fly.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sokillme said:


> you are defending *people who advocate it *even when there is rape involved.


Never said you defend it.


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## DrSher (Jul 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You are wrong. Also, it's not your place to decide what can and cannot be posted on TAM.
> **I don;t think it is anyone's place more than another to have an opinion.
> 
> 
> ...


 **Deleting posts would probably be the least smart thing to do. The defense in such cases are not using silk gloves. In civil lawsuits, such things can be used and you bet it will in more serious things.

My main reasoning for not talking about this if there has been/ is intent to report it to law enforcement. They may depose you as well. This is not at all meant as discouragement, but rather as what I think would minimize risk of defense finding something...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DrSher said:


> **Deleting posts would probably be the least smart thing to do. The defense in such cases are not using silk gloves. In civil lawsuits, such things can be used and you bet it will in more serious things.
> 
> My main reasoning for not talking about this if there has been/ is intent to report it to law enforcement. They may depose you as well. This is not at all meant as discouragement, but rather as what I think would minimize risk of defense finding something...


Your concern would be that a man some years ago left the military service of his country But no country was mentioned.

Years later an anonymous woman said that her equally anonymous husband had allegedly raped her. But no specific town, county, state or country was mentioned.

You are right, Doc. A defence lawyer would have an absolute field day with that concise and pinpoint accurate information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DrSher said:


> **Deleting posts would probably be the least smart thing to do. The defense in such cases are not using silk gloves. In civil lawsuits, such things can be used and you bet it will in more serious things.
> 
> My main reasoning for not talking about this if there has been/ is intent to report it to law enforcement. They may depose you as well. This is not at all meant as discouragement, but rather as what I think would minimize risk of defense finding something...


The only reason I'm responding here is that this post of yours might discourage the OP from seeking help here. She seems to not have a good support system.... no family and a friend who gave her some very bad advice. Your post above could scare her away from TAM.

So what if law enforcement deposes me or anyone else on TAM. All that has happened here is that an anonymous woman said that she was raped by her husband. She's been given support and suggestions mostly to go to the hospital and talk to police. That is the standard advice given to rape vicitms. The health professionals at the hospital and the police are the ones who decide, examining her and talking to her whether or not there is a case and whether or not she is credible. 

There is nothing on this thread that could be used by the defense.

If, on the far out chance, I were deposed, I'd just give them a copy of this thread... which supposedly they would already have.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> I like to tell the story of the two boys who shoplift a candy bar. One dad realizes what his son did and waves his finger at his son and says "Don't you ever do that again!" The other dad realizes it, takes the son back to the store, makes his son apologize, tells the owner that his son will work off the cost of the candy bar, and waits for him to finish the work before they can go home.


The third father, me, would say "son, give me that candy bar you stole". I'd say, you took it from the shop keeper and I took it from you, how does that make you feel? I'd then eat it in front of him just to drive the point home and I'd act like it was the best candy bar I'd ever tasted.

That's a very visual way to present a hard lesson and it's win/win because I get a candy bar out of the deal and I didn't even have to pay for it.


----------



## DrSher (Jul 17, 2016)

I can understand how you may see this as a "discouragement", but the reality (from my point) is the opposite. What you are describing about what has happened is understandable, but her best chance to get the perpetrator is to have a compact and avoid anything else that distracts. This is not to discourage women, but the contrary. 
Finally, I have also worked in ER and taken care of rape victims. For sure, this is a catastrophic situation for the victim and first response matter a lot to get taken care of. All victims need to betaken at face value and this is the best chance for accuracy. 

Finally, you are trivializing the modern world of internet and data gathering. Likewise, if you are deposed, you cannot just give them a finger and a copy of thread. You are not giving out answers before you get the questions. What happened is very serious and deserves investigation. Since the perpetrator is known, he y even crack under police questioning without anything else needed to be one. Don't assume any sound advice is discouragement.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'd ask the posters to please remember that the OP has just had a terrible experience of being attack by a man who she loves. 

I know I'm not am mod but I'd still ask people to not argue with each other here. Instead please provide support / advice for the OP. Please remember that none of us have any more that a handful of words to go on. We can offer advice but only the OP knows the entire situation and in the end it is her decision about what she should do.

As an aside, the only worry I would have about legal issues is if someone is describing a crime that THEY committed. Here, the OP has done absolutely nothing wrong, I don't see how anything written here could possibly be significant in a rape / assault case.

Sorry for the tirade, but I really want to OP to feel that she can come here for advice without anything that looks like criticism.


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## DrSher (Jul 17, 2016)

Totally understood and to make it clear: I am on the side of OP here. My wife counselled a few victims to go to police. The only thing I AM trying to say is that any open reflections around something like this with a possible legal process is potentially used. It could (and would likely) be in her favor some things, but remember evidence and the process.

There is no tolerance for sexual assault and any victim of such deserves the best help.


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## TRUTHSEEKER60 (Jun 23, 2016)

This is horrible to read. I am so sorry for what you went through. There is NEVER an excuse for violence against anyone, let alone a loved one. No matter he was Drunk or anything. Leave immediately. Stay at a friend, a relative, anywhere. You need a counselor too to sort through this. This is NOT your fault. Do not blame yourself one bit. Keep us posted. I wish you well.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Your concern would be that a man some years ago left the military service of his country But no country was mentioned.
> 
> Years later an anonymous woman said that her equally anonymous husband had allegedly raped her. But no specific town, county, state or country was mentioned.
> 
> You are right, Doc. A defence lawyer would have an absolute field day with that concise and pinpoint accurate information



If her husband came across her posts on the forum by prodding around her computer, then he could subpoena her computer and it's contents, including everything she wrote and it would most likely be admissable as evidence in a criminal trial.

Yes, most of what she wrote appears innocuous but you never know. It's like a deposition. You go in there planning only to say things that help your case but a good lawyer can pick things apart and find one or two things out of 100 that were said or written that could possibly be used against you.

Just as a wild example an attorney could say "she really didn't feel like she was raped that's why she didn't say or do anything for several days until she was pushed to do so by anonymous posters on an internet forum, so maybe it's not as she is trying to make it appear or some people on the forum convinced her that she was raped but there's no truth to it."

It's a stretch but you get the idea. Don't write anything down that you don't want to be used against you in some way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Thank goodness that she wasn't in her home when she made her first post and has not seen him since. Let's stick with her facts and not the possible facts of any possible posters.


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## Amethyst (Jul 15, 2016)

From one or two messages I've received I feel like I shouldn't post on this forum anymore regardless of it feeling helpful to me. But I just wanted to update you all.

I went to my new lawyer and started the process of a divorce and within the next few days he will be served with papers notifying him that a petition for divorce has been filed. Now I know for a fact this wont go down well with him and I know he wont agree to it and try make it hard so I'm prepared. I've said in advance that when it come to the stage of the Financial Disclosure Forms all I want is what I put in, I want nothing from him, the house.. he can have it. I just want to leave and be free.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Amethyst said:


> From one or two messages I've received I feel like I shouldn't post on this forum anymore regardless of it feeling helpful to me. But I just wanted to update you all.
> 
> I went to my new lawyer and started the process of a divorce and within the next few days he will be served with papers notifying him that a petition for divorce has been filed. Now I know for a fact this wont go down well with him and I know he wont agree to it and try make it hard so I'm prepared. I've said in advance that when it come to the stage of the Financial Disclosure Forms all I want is what I put in, I want nothing from him, the house.. he can have it. I just want to leave and be free.


There are one or two people who have somewhat "interesting" views on who should post in TAM and what people should post.

If you feel the need to post here for support @Amethyst you carry on doing it!

Please do not let well meaning busybodies or stickybeaks chase you off!


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I don't think the person trying to scare you knows much about how things work in real life. Ignore them.

All the best for the future. Stay strong.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

imtamnew said:


> I don't think the person trying to scare you knows much about how things work in real life. Ignore them.
> 
> All the best for the future. Stay strong.


Who is trying to scare her?

I see nothing more than well intended good advice offered on this thread.

To suggest that you know more than anyone else and to "ignore advice that doesn't agree with your own" is rather short sighted and narrow minded to say the least.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mclane said:


> Who is trying to scare her?
> 
> I see nothing more than well intended good advice offered on this thread.
> 
> To suggest that you know more than anyone else and to "ignore advice that doesn't agree with your own" is rather short sighted and narrow minded to say the least.


But that's not what was said. 

But why take advice from (for example) someone who has the sole aim in life of having a threeway with his wife? I mean... :wtf:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mclane said:


> The third father, me, would say "son, give me that candy bar you stole". I'd say, you took it from the shop keeper and I took it from you, how does that make you feel? I'd then eat it in front of him just to drive the point home and I'd act like it was the best candy bar I'd ever tasted.
> 
> That's a very visual way to present a hard lesson and it's win/win because I get a candy bar out of the deal and I didn't even have to pay for it.


And dad, because of the three strikes rule, gets life imprisonment for theft and receiving stolen goods.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And dad, because of the three strikes rule, gets life imprisonment for theft and receiving stolen goods.


I never thought of that. 

:surprise:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mclane said:


> I never thought of that.
> 
> :surprise:


But only if the boy was a stoolie!


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

@amethyst - good for you taking action. Continue to care for yourself and be well. All our very best wishes for a bright future when your divorce is complete. Always remember you deserve the best!


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Mclane said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> > I like to tell the story of the two boys who shoplift a candy bar. One dad realizes what his son did and waves his finger at his son and says "Don't you ever do that again!" The other dad realizes it, takes the son back to the store, makes his son apologize, tells the owner that his son will work off the cost of the candy bar, and waits for him to finish the work before they can go home.
> ...


Nice. I'd still make him pay the shopkeeper for it!


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