# Needing help with my overly insecure wife - please advise!



## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and for the most part it has been really great. We laugh a lot, enjoy each other’s company, have 2 beautiful children, and a fairly decent sex life. I have never and will never cheat on her as I love her very much. The issue is that she has some baggage that is putting a wedge in our relationship. Her dad cheated on her mom and her 1st husband cheated on her. I come from a family of 3 sisters and have always related to women more than men. There have been a couple of short lived jealousy situations in our marriage but they have always been worked out. 

I started a new job several years back and have become very close friends a small group of people which includes a female peer manager (happens to be divorced). Our work environment is very political and difficult and this group has always had each other’s back. We all would eat lunch together every day or do things after work hours. Over the last 3+ years my wife has become very insecure about my friendship with the female. I have never had lunch with her alone or done anything inappropriate. I just enjoy her friendship and don’t want to feel like I have to give it up. I do need to confess that I haven't handled it the best because there have been times where I have withheld information from my wife on my exact interactions with the female friend because I am not doing anything wrong and don’t want the conflict with my wife. Examples would be the group going out for drinks after work and I didn't tell her this female would be there. I used to not tell her that the female joined us for lunch every day and I have exchanged an innocent txt or email over a personal issue and my wife snooped and found it and was very upset. It also doesn't help my situation that my female work friend doesn't really care for my wife. She has never told me this but it is very obvious. It is very awkward when they are around each other and you can almost cut the tension in the air. I have seen my wife try to be friendly to my friend but my friend just isn’t all that friendly back. Not really sure why.

I feel very controlled by my wife. I feel like she is always snooping trying to find things that are not there. She gets so upset and becomes very illogical. I left the job several weeks ago and have remained friends the group including this female. My wife just can’t understand that it is purely platonic and is not happy about it. She went crazy when she found out this weekend that my friend and I have started playing words with friends. It’s just a game. She says she knows I want to have sex with her or will eventually run off with her. She pouts and just shuts me out, then we make up and things are great for a short time and then she will find an email or txt exchange between me and my friend about something trivial and just shut down again. I am really tired of her snooping all the time. It is a vicious circle of emotions that is wearing me down. What can I do to make my wife feel secure about us and just know that there is nothing with this relationship other than a friendship? I am a grown man and just don’t want to me controlled over something so innocent. Please advise. I am really torn up over this.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

If you love your wife, if she is your best friend and partner, then end this friendship with the female. 

You no longer work together, no need to keep her as a friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

pantherfan01 said:


> What can I do to make my wife feel secure about us and just know that there is nothing with this relationship other than a friendship?


You can stop bull****ting your wife and delete the friend.
Your entire story stinks to high heaven.



> I am a grown man and just don’t want to me controlled over something so innocent. Please advise. I am really torn up over this.


Start acting like a grown man and delete the friend who you have no reason or business even interacting with now that you no longer work there.
I don't care how "innocent" it is (which I'd bet money it's not) the only question you need to answer is who holds more importance in your life.
This other woman or your wife.

Answer that question and your choice becomes simple.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

pantherfan01 said:


> It also doesn't help my situation that my female work friend doesn't really care for my wife


It sounds to me like you need to figure yourself out more than you need to figure out your wife.

Where do you priorities and devotions lie?



pantherfan01 said:


> What can I do to make my wife feel secure about us and just know that there is nothing with this relationship other than a friendship?


Acknowledge (admit to yourself) that you are in an emotional affair.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Your wife is right, and you'll figure it out eventually... in time, or too late.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

pantherfan01 said:


> It also doesn't help my situation that my female work friend doesn't really care for my wife. She has never told me this but it is very obvious. It is very awkward when they are around each other and you can almost cut the tension in the air. I have seen my wife try to be friendly to my friend but my friend just isn’t all that friendly back. *Not really sure why.*


I'm sure I know why and I'm sure your wife knows why too.
It may be totally innocent on your end but even a couple of text about personal issue's and omitting exchanges with this woman will enforce your wife's suspicions. 
As much as men know what other men's intentions women know what other women intentions and if you keep trying to invalidate and dismiss your wife's concern's and points by saying she's insecure it will come back to bite you on the *ss big time, your wife is trying to protect her marriage.

The fact you are saying she is insecure and illogical says a lot already, you are valuing your friendship with this threat (your friend) enough to dismiss wife's feelings and concerns by saying she's insecure and illogical and your wife is also seeing the message your sending by doing this, that you rather would dismiss the effect your friendship is having on your wife (and your marriage) than end your friendship with this threat (and from what is quoted above this woman is a threat to your wife and she knows exactly what your 'friend' is up to).


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Oh, and the reason your "friend" doesn't like your wife is that your friend is aware - as you seem determined not to be - that she and your wife are rivals for your attention. I'm also willing to bet that you've portrayed your wife as crazy, jealous and irrational. What's not to dislike about that? 

Your continued friendship with this woman makes your wife sad and angry and poses a continuing threat to your marriage. Perhaps you might examine why your wife's feelings don't matter to you as much as keeping in touch with someone you no longer work with.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Dump the friend. You wife is not cool with you being friends with another woman.
Once you do that and the insecurities continue you need to get into MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Aside from the other points, a good part of the reason your wife is insecure is that you are lying to her. If everything is on the up and up, why can't you tell her the truth? Not doing that causes her to question your intentions.

Be honest with her. That will go a long way with allowing her to trust you.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Your wife isn't being controlling she's trying to protect the marriage and establish appropriate boundaries because it's obvious from your post that you are incapable of it.

Also, why are you so concerned about the other woman's feelings about your wife? Why would you want to be friends with someone that doesn't like your wife? Three reasons this other woman doesn't like your wife: 
1) you've ragged on your wife to her (totally inappropriate), 
2) she sees your wife as competition, and 
3) she knows your wife sees right through her, (your wife knows this other woman is after you). 

Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, if someone didn't like my husband, it's "too bad, so sad" and I move on, I don't need that person in my life.

Why is this other woman so special to you that you are choosing to mess up your marriage? Why are putting this other woman as a priority over your wife?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

The fact that your 'friend' was openly rude to the point that YOU saw it is a big red flag. 

Out of respect for your wife, keep your interactions with this woman work-related only. Be transparent with your wife, no more secrets (omission is a secret/lie).

I had something similar with my husband a few years back. A woman at work was relentlessly seeking out his company and he didn't see anything wrong. When he cut off the 'friendship' part, the woman went bat-sh1t crazy - think bunny boiler! It was clear she thought of him as more than a friend.

Next, pick up the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. It was such an eye opener to me about things we were both doing in our marriage to build walls instead of windows.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Put yourself in your wife's shoes. If she had a male friend like you have, repeatedly lied about interactions with him, a friend who treated you badly and then when caught called you insecure and didn't care enough about your feelings to stop contact with him.......how would you take it? Would you be controlling and illogical?


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well, it's obvious you like the girl. She's appears more attractive to you then your wife. If you left work, then might as well cut ties with her. No need to string it along. Unless you want to screw her. Then break up with your wife and give it a try.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What's more important your marriage or your friend.

You ate doing the wrong thing, you are continually p,acing your freindship above your wife. What if your wife did the same to you? And lied about it? Sent personal emails to another man? 

You are acting untrustworthy and making your wife insecure.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your friend certainly appears to be jealous of your wife. Why is that? 

Get rid of your friend if you want to keep your marriage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Lying to the wife. Concealing communications with another girl.

Playing dumb - you don't know why the "friend" dislikes the wife.

Minimizing the disrespect shown to the wife. Blaming it all on her with no empathy for your own lies and manipulation.


Tell her to give you an ultimatum. If you won't cut it off with this woman then she should lay down some consequences that mean something.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

pantherfan01 said:


> Over the last 3+ years my wife has become very insecure about my friendship with the female. I have never had lunch with her alone or done anything inappropriate. I just enjoy her friendship and don’t want to feel like I have to give it up. I do need to confess that I haven't handled it the best because there have been times where I have withheld information from my wife on my exact interactions with the female friend because I am not doing anything wrong and don’t want the conflict with my wife.


P/F it sounds like your wife is smarter than you want to believe. You haven't done anything "inappropriate" because the opportunity, where you can get away with it, has presented itself. Many of us have been where you are and we didn't want to give up the friendship because we enjoyed the sexual tension, envisioning the possibilities, and wanting to keep our options open. 
Characterizing yourself as an ole boy wanting just a platonic relationship with this hot divorcee ain't got many of us former hounds fooled. It ain't got your wife fooled either.


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