# Need feedback NOW please!!!



## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

OK, I think I might lose it here. I was looking for my husband's expired credit card to replace it with the new one I have forgotten to give him for two weeks now. While searching for the card I found a receipt. It was dated 7/6 and it was a layaway receipt for a promise ring. WHAT THE HELL? :scratchhead:Why would a 48 year old grown married man need with a promise ring? My radar is SO buzzing right now!!! Don't tell me to just ask him. I'm not going to give up things I've found until I can prove or disprove he is up to something. He had me thinking I was crazy when I found proof of his affair before he came clean. No thank you! Someone give me one good reason for this. I tend to still only believe the worst. HELP!!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Calm down. Scan/copy it and put it back. Go into stealth mode until you KNOW.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell us more about where things are with you and him now??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

No daughters?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

And maybe the ring is meant for you? Any special occasions coming up? Even a promise can look nice to be "regular" jewelry


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has he bought it to help someone else? Child, younger relation?

Please do not panic.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I already scanned and put it back. No daughters. No up coming birthday or anniversary or other special occasion. He says he is happier than he has been in 15 years. Says he's all for me going back to school this Fall. Says he wishes I could believe he loves me. He planned the affair, told so many lies I can't count, was devious and sneaky to an extreme, planned to just divorce me and move on. Me, I don't trust him. I can't let myself believe he loves me. I keep wondering if he came back just because it would cost too much to divorce me (mutual guy friend says that he thinks that was why he came back, this guy knew about the affair when it was happening). He is so good at lying and manipulating that I'm afraid that he is just waiting to graduate from college and get a much better job so that he can afford the alimony. This is really making me trigger BIG!!!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Promise of future fidelity?!:scratchhead:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TBT said:


> Promise of future fidelity?!:scratchhead:


One of my thoughts as well.

When was your D day? What did he do? What is he doing to show true remorse - anything?

If there are other red flags then that's different than if this just came out of the blue.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Reproposing to you maybe? Have you been wearing your ring? I know my WW is bothered that I stopped wearing mine on DD over three years ago... I think she's thought about buying a new ring for me, but is scared as hell I'd say 'no'.

Just try to stay calm, breathe, and whatnot. Stay patient. It is hard as hell I know.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm The Prize said:


> I already scanned and put it back. No daughters. No up coming birthday or anniversary or other special occasion. He says he is happier than he has been in 15 years. Says he's all for me going back to school this Fall. Says he wishes I could believe he loves me. He planned the affair, told so many lies I can't count, was devious and sneaky to an extreme, planned to just divorce me and move on. Me, I don't trust him. I can't let myself believe he loves me. I keep wondering if he came back just because it would cost too much to divorce me (mutual guy friend says that he thinks that was why he came back, this guy knew about the affair when it was happening). He is so good at lying and manipulating that I'm afraid that he is just waiting to graduate from college and get a much better job so that he can afford the alimony. This is really making me trigger BIG!!!



Since you have already discovered his affair, I think its fair to say you are going to have to dig a little. It very well may be something for you, him trying to prove his loyalty to you. You didn't really give enough information for anyone to give you a solid answer. When was Dday? What are your marital boundaries now? Etc, etc


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

DDay was January 2011. He had an affair (long distance and then they made it physical) with his best friend's wife. Then told everyone in his family we had decided to divorce because of irreconcilable differences. Tried to divorce me but I wouldn't sign. Took a month to get him to confess. Said he was stupid. Said it was just an ego thing. But he had told her he loved her, told her he wanted to be with her, had gone to see a lawyer. As far as I can prove he hasn't had any contact since then but he has email at work I can't see and he had used a pre-paid phone when I found the phone records so that means nothing. He acts different yet he has done nothing about the things that were making me unhappy before the affair although I have done everything to change what he claims made him unhappy. I'm panicking right now. I don't have a job because I am supposed to go back to school next month. If he is seeing someone else again he had BETTER get a new high paying job with that degree that I helped him get because he's going to need it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> DDay was January 2011. He had an affair (long distance and then they made it physical) with his best friend's wife. Then told everyone in his family we had decided to divorce because of irreconcilable differences. Tried to divorce me but I wouldn't sign. Took a month to get him to confess. Said he was stupid. Said it was just an ego thing. But he had told her he loved her, told her he wanted to be with her, had gone to see a lawyer. As far as I can prove he hasn't had any contact since then but he has email at work I can't see and he had used a pre-paid phone when I found the phone records so that means nothing. He acts different yet he has done nothing about the things that were making me unhappy before the affair although I have done everything to change what he claims made him unhappy. I'm panicking right now. I don't have a job because I am supposed to go back to school next month. If he is seeing someone else again he had BETTER get a new high paying job with that degree that I helped him get because he's going to need it!


Oh, God. I am so sorry for you. This must hurt like Hell. But we have all been there. And we'll be here for you.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Our 30th anniversary will be in October. I don't have much job experience but I had one for over a year after he said he wanted a divorce. I stopped because of a injury that won't allow me to do work on my feet any more. I didn't try to find another because he talked me into taking a scholarship I was offered to go back to school. This is so frightening on so many different levels. He works nights and is sleeping now. I just want to go shake the crap out of him and ask him what he is doing. If he is up to something he'd just lie. I know I have to wait but I can't stand the idea of being made a fool of again. It has taken so long to just let him tough me without feeling physically ill. I'm not like him, I'm not good at hiding what I'm feeling. This is going to be difficult.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have suddenly come down with something that is making you feel REALLY dizzy and nauseous and you think you should perhaps go to bed.

It doesn't sound to me like he's done a damned thing to prove himself to you. It sounds like both of you have pretty much swept everything under the rug. You should have access to his work email, phone bills, cc statements, bank accounts, phone, EVERYthing. If he balks at any of this, that's a dealbreaker.

Sorry to say, if I were you I'd start getting things put aside in case he's on his way out the door. I would also start investigating. Can you get a VAR in his car and/or a keylogger on him?


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

@hope - To be fair to him I do have the passwords to all of his email, access to phone records, and I do the banking. I can't have access to his work email because he works for a government contractor with security clearance access only. I can email him there and he can email me back but he can't access his email from any computer off site. I simply don't trust him. He plotted against me so well in the affair that this ring thing is making me nuts! It may be for me but I can't imagine it is since he NEVER buys me anything when it's not a special occasion and he very rarely buys me jewelry. Oh, and about the VAR, I have GPS on his cell phone. I just ordered a key logger.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK. Stay calm now, fake illness if you need to, and gather evidence, if there is any.

GPS will only tell you where his phone is, not where he is, and can get locations wrong too. The VAR is pretty incontrovertible.

I really hope you report back soon that he surprised you with the ring


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

No kids of dating age at all?


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Thanks Hope. The thing about the GPS is that he usually doesn't have any unexplained time lapse between work and home. The only questionable time would be when he has to go to work early or stay late. In that case he would have to take the phone to work, leave it, then come back. Possible but not likely especially since I not only track it I call it. If it says it's at work and he doesn't answer my call I can wonder what is going on. So far that hasn't happened.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Costa: Our youngest son is 22 and I covertly asked what he thought about promise rings and he said they were old fashioned and a waste of money. He said if he wanted to buy his girl a ring he'd save the money for an engagement ring. Oldest son just started dating current girlfriend and middle son isn't dating anyone right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Calm down and think a little: Why would anyone give a promise ring to a person they are in a affair with? That would be a really stupid gift for an AP. 

It's possible it's for you, it's possible it's something for you but the clerk wrote down the wrong description of the item. 

Basically relax and don't run wild with this. you have far too little information.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Shaggy,
The computer wrote the description and if you knew how inept my FWH is at choosing gifts you'd know he doesn't know one ring from the other. He would have chosen it because it was less expensive. Not as panicked. Have to wait to see what happens. This ring is on layaway and is still at the store. I'll keep tabs on it so that I'll know when he takes it out and then see where it goes. It just doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You're doing the right thing. I think many would have confronted. Keep strong and post here if you start feeling it's too much!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are very very bold you could go down and look at the ring that's on hold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you are very very bold you could go down and look at the ring that's on hold.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would rather wait just in case it IS for me. Then there will be some surprise left.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

First get normal. Don't show your suspicion.

Observe and be vigilant.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> First get normal. Don't show your suspicion.
> 
> Observe and be vigilant.


Got it under control last night. I can do this. I learned the hard way from showing my hand too soon with the affair. Thanks:smthumbup:


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think it's your 30th anniversary present. It's on layaway, so he has about 3 months to pay for it and give it to you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

you said he planned and had an affair with his best friend's wife, hasnt changed anything to meet your needs (ie; changes to make you happy) and has calculated and executed extreme levels of deception without conscience ? now you've found an unexplained jewerly purchase... ?

This is so cruel. Im so sorry.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Pit-of-my-Stomach. I know we are all cynical and with good reason, but can no-one change for the better?

Have you never made a mistake in your life - even a big one - and changed afterwards?

Can we at least give I'm the prize *some* hope?

If she confronts now, she will never ever know - he will just lie anyway.

If she lives in hope for October (which fits in with 3 months to pay) then she will have a heart lifting surprise, or be dashed.

Might it be better to take a chance on hope, rather than guarantee not knowing?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I don't know why he'd give her a promise ring if his wedding ring serves the purpose? Eitherway, like others have said, don't blow up. 

I'm not acquainted with the whole "promise ring" stuff. Aren't they meant for people who want to keep their virginity till marriage?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Complexity said:


> I don't know why he'd give her a promise ring if his wedding ring serves the purpose? Eitherway, like others have said, don't blow up.
> 
> I'm not acquainted with the whole "promise ring" stuff. Aren't they meant for people who want to keep their virginity till marriage?


I've given my wife plenty of rings since we've been married. She mentioned that it is a computer description so it really doesn't matter what kind of ring it is. It's a ring, he's going to give it to someone, it may be her. I think she should keep her powder dry until she knows more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm The Prize said:


> @hope - To be fair to him I do have the passwords to all of his email, access to phone records, and I do the banking. I can't have access to his work email because he works for a government contractor with security clearance access only. I can email him there and he can email me back but he can't access his email from any computer off site. I simply don't trust him. He plotted against me so well in the affair that this ring thing is making me nuts! It may be for me but I can't imagine it is since he NEVER buys me anything when it's not a special occasion and he very rarely buys me jewelry. Oh, and about the VAR, I have GPS on his cell phone. I just ordered a key logger.


Yep a key logger on the computer is a good idea even if you think you know all of his accounts. My husband used to create new ones thinking that I would not find them.

A VAR is not the same thing as a GPS. 

Have you searched his car? I found things in places like the compartment where the tools are stored, under the carpet in the trunk, under the spare tire. Search all over the car. 

Then secure a VAR under the front seat of his car or other place. Use strong velcro to do this. It's best to have two.. one in the car and one to swap it out. Then you can listen to the recording when you have time and are alone.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> Costa: Our youngest son is 22 and I covertly asked what he thought about promise rings and he said they were old fashioned and a waste of money. He said if he wanted to buy his girl a ring he'd save the money for an engagement ring. Oldest son just started dating current girlfriend and middle son isn't dating anyone right now.


Don't fool around about this. Outright ask your sons if they know what the receipt is. You must eliminate them as a possibility. 

I find weird that someone in an affair would give a ring like that. Never heard of it happening. 

Also your anniversary isn't that far off. Don't fly off the handle just yet.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Did ask the sons, they know nothing. Let me add to the equation: the AP's birthday is tomorrow. If that ring is for me then this is really bad timing. I will really have a hard time hanging on if that ring comes out of layaway this weekend. I'm not burying my head in the sand but I don't want to jump to conclusions either. Either way I am going to have to have proof this time. If he isn't being faithful again I'm going to nail his b***s to the courtroom wall.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I forget - you have a keylogger right?

I strongly suggest you get the VAR. I would in your shoes. 2 of them, as was suggested.

I'd also be watching him like a hawk for the next few weeks and recording every little thing.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Hey Hope, will the VAR come on with the radio? He listens to books on disc going to and from work. It's an hour drive so that would be a lot of taping. Besides, if he is going to talk to someone he shouldn't it won't be on his phone, that's how he got caught the last time. He be hiding a pre-paid at work like he did after I found the phone records with 700 text and calls in one week on it. Don't think VAR would work. Would put a bug on him but as I said earlier he works for a government contractor that has a security access requirement. There are detectors that will catch any electronic equipment when he goes in the building. Any other ideas?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Try not to panic. This is what is so terrible about being cheated on. You can't hide anything from the spouse, even if it's a good thing, without creating a huge amount of angst and suspicion. Why people don't put more thought into affairs and the impact the violation of trust will have with your s/o is beyond me. 

Get a VAR or two going and see what happens. Do not confront. I ust bought my W's xmas present the other day! Although I doubt I can hang onto it for that long! But, were she to find the receipt a couple months down the line for something she never got, well, I bet shed be at least a little suspicious! And I've never cheated on her! You're justified, just remain calm and verify. 

Hoping there's a really cool promise ring in your near future!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I think the radio does activate it. But that's ok, you might have to sift thru a bunch of crap but if you get one thing good, that's all you need. I read over and over again where people carry on the most blatant things in their cars that we'd never think they do. My husband carried on all his sexting from his vehicle and had his secret cell phone hidden in it. A VAR wouldn't have picked that up of course.

If you have the keylogger that might be your best bet.

It's hard that he has all that security protecting him at work, but then again, that kinda suggests he wouldn't be able to get a way with stuff there, doesn't it?


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

It's hard that he has all that security protecting him at work, but then again, that kinda suggests he wouldn't be able to get a way with stuff there, doesn't it?[/QUOTE]


No not really. The AP used his work email to contact him and he had a pre-paid he kept in his locker. You see, he can have a cell phone as long as it doesn't have a camera on it. So, when I found all of those text and calls on his regular phone he went and bought the pre-paid and kept it at work. However, what got him caught there is that he dropped the receipt on the carport and I found it. Ironic huh? So, while it hinders my checking on him it doesn't hinder his ability to do it again at all. It really messed with my mind for the first six months. It took that long to get rid of her. The only comfort I had was that he he forwarded every email she managed to get past our blocks (as far as I know anyway).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hm, that sucks. Has he ever offered to give you email access or anything? Probably not eh?

You have a keylogger at home right?


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Hm, that sucks. Has he ever offered to give you email access or anything? Probably not eh?
> 
> You have a keylogger at home right?


I have access to his home emails, Facebook, and phone records. I recently ordered the keylogger. It hasn't gotten here yet.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> Got it under control last night. I can do this. I learned the hard way from showing my hand too soon with the affair. Thanks:smthumbup:


AH. My mistake so many times 

Good job!! You can do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm The Prize said:


> Hey Hope, will the VAR come on with the radio? He listens to books on disc going to and from work. It's an hour drive so that would be a lot of taping. Besides, if he is going to talk to someone he shouldn't it won't be on his phone, that's how he got caught the last time. He be hiding a pre-paid at work like he did after I found the phone records with 700 text and calls in one week on it. Don't think VAR would work. Would put a bug on him but as I said earlier he works for a government contractor that has a security access requirement. There are detectors that will catch any electronic equipment when he goes in the building. Any other ideas?


He might have a pre-paid hidden in the car or somewhere around the house. Or even carry it on his person. 

What better time to call and talk to somone then on an hour communite each way to/from work.

A var will come on with the radio. So get one that has a very long record time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm The Prize said:


> I have access to his home emails, Facebook, and phone records. I recently ordered the keylogger. It hasn't gotten here yet.


You ordered one that comes in the mail? Suppose he's the one who gets it?

You can down load them off the internet.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You ordered one that comes in the mail? Suppose he's the one who gets it?
> 
> You can down load them off the internet.


Tried one to download, his anti-virus stuff caught it and even the tech support couldn't keep it all from giving me away. So, I ordered a hardware type. I don't have to worry about him getting it in the mail because he works nights and sleeps days. The mail runs between 2 and 3 every afternoon. He doesn't get up until 7. Not an issue.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Chris989 said:


> Pit-of-my-Stomach. I know we are all cynical and with good reason, but can no-one change for the better?
> 
> Have you never made a mistake in your life - even a big one - and changed afterwards?
> 
> ...


Really?

Sorta ironic that you say she shouldnt tell him because he will lie. Now why would a changed man who loves his wife, the women he's reconciling with.. lie? 

Dont talk about both sides of your mouth and I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask me to censor my comments. 

As I stated, I feel horrible that another human being it going through this. It's awful, and I'm sorry. Obviously hope your gut is wrong this time, But keep your eyes wide open, protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I understand Pit, not a problem. I just want to do two thing here: not accuse if there isn't a real reason to and to only accuse if I have real evidence. I've not closed my eyes in 18 months. Probably will never do it again.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I know that it has been a while since I started this but. . . just to let you all know the ring was for me. The reason he bought a promise ring was that I had sold the one he gave me in high school when he was going to divorce me. I panicked because I had absolutely no money at the time. He bought it to replace it. 



I didn't reply sooner because I was in a place where I had to get away from anything to do with infidelity, including this site. I'm not totally there, don't know if anyone actually ever gets "there" but it's not as bad as it was. Hope all of you are doing well. Thanks for all of the help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you find out that the ring was for you?

Did you ask him about it?

Or did he just surprise you with it one day?


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