# Longtime lurker, first time poster. Advice for a younger guy



## H91 (Feb 13, 2013)

I came across this forum through a random google search, and I've found it to be horribly compelling (and I mean no disrespect with that). The stories about everyone in here have been heartbreaking to read, and terrifying. 

I'm 21/M and a recent college graduate. I'm going to be entering law school in the fall and I am single at the moment. I haven't been cheated on in past relationships, but I've never been a part of anything too serious... nothing more than hook-ups or flings. 

I'm hoping to start seriously dating soon, and I want to get married and have children. 

The stories with husbands being betrayed have shook me.. to the point of near tears. I've read a lot of posts here over the past few months and I was wondering what members here have in terms of advice. Specifically, betrayed husbands but anyone is welcome. 

What are signs to avoid in women? 

What is recommended advice on what to do/not to do? 

How can I find the type of woman I want... loyal, faithful, supportive, attractive and avoid these monstrous wives that seem to be all too common. 

Any and all advice is appreciated. 

Thank you for your time.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

You can never know about another person.

If you want to avoid the possibility of a monstrous wife and an expensive ugly divorce, then the answer is really quite simple.

Don't get married.


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## H91 (Feb 13, 2013)

I guess my question is it so prevalent that its better not to marry? I don't know if maybe I have become biased by reading here too much... are all people like this? Is cheating this common? 

I'm not attached to the idea of marriage, but I would like to have a family and children and a partner. I think not having kids is not an option for me. 

Thanks for the answer.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm kind of like you. Although I don't plan on ever getting married. You could try reading the Married Man Sex Primer though. Pretty interesting read and is really opening my eyes. Still don't want to get married though. Good luck.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

H91 said:


> I guess my question is it so prevalent that its better not to marry? I don't know if maybe I have become biased by reading here too much... are all people like this? Is cheating this common?


You can do the research, look up statistics on infidelity in marriage, it's well over 50%.

Divorce rates are approaching 60% and even among the 40% of couples that don't divorce, many of them are together only because of the kids, they can't afford a divorce or separate residences, or they're afraid to pull the plug.

You don't have to be married to have children.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If you do get married, do what a lot of people don't do for some reason which I will never understand. Especially with a divorce rate of over 50% where men get screwed over more often than not.

GET A PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT!!!!!


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

avoid girls who have cheated before.
avoid party girls...
avoid "social butterflies"... lol
avoid girls with lots of guy friends.
avoid girls whose bestfriend is male.
etc...

These are just a few of the bigger red flags... but there is no way to 100 percent protect yourself...


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

And make sure you know what types of friends she hangs out with and none of them are toxic/cheaters/party girls/etc.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You step into a very bias place, where people who are very hurt by betrayal come together. Do not take this as the norm. You can meet someone and have a good marriage and family. Just learn about how one works.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ating-should-not-marry-promiscuous-women.html

Also, any girls who love GNO's to "blow off some steam" might be good to avoid if you don't want to donate 50% of your salary in court.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Don't take your cues from this place. It is a MASH unit of dysfunction, drama, betrayal and weirdness. Run! Run for your life!



Seriously, take it for what it is.. There is some good here too. Look at how many posts are in 'long term success' compared to 'coping with infidelity' etc. just don't extrapolate reality from this concentrated collective of people that need to 'work on it'. Most here have the experience of doing it wrong. See that giant warning above about a pre-nup? I rest my case. Marriage can also be great. I honestly worry about someone young asking for advice here.

Finish school. You will be fine. Take your time on the relationship side. It's going to happen much more quickly than you would ever dare to believe. Don't forget to use your head as well as your heart. Never listen to your penis. ;-)

21. Nice. It's a great time.. Right about when I met my wife 25 years ago. Makes me smile just thinking back to then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

there are red flags like you have read here but you never will truley know. my wife now was in a sexual relationship with 2 men when i meet her, meet her online went into where she works and soon as i left she called the other guys and told them she was done she meet the one. she hasnt even come close to straying, she HAD a best friend that friend cheated on her husband now my wife talks to her maybe once a month. 
truth is marriage is a gamble and you will never know


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

First, I suggest you let your self get through law school. I got married at 23 and and I would say that is too young. We change.

Next. If you are serious about finding a good woman, do not rush things. You only need one if it is the right one. There are many to choose from.

Find someone with compatible values. Also with compatible sexual history and frankly in every other way you can think of. You do not want a carbon copy of yourself, but you want a woman with great chemistry who complements you. Meaning she brings things to the table that you may be weak in. Woman tend to be more multitasking while men tend to do things in phases.

Before you marry do His Needs Her Needs together.

You want a woman with high self respect and one willing to be comfortable with her own values. Not someone who gives in to peer pressure. Not a ball buster either. Someone who is centered in her integrity. Some you can trust. Compassionate. 

Ideally she is very sexual with you. But someone who has proved she can be monogamous. Not someone who is into ONS. Not someone out to prove she is independent. You need someone who is together enough that she can commit to the marriage and not make it a power struggle. Someone who can be all in.

You want someone who will support your dreams and who you wish to do the same with.

Know what your boundaries are and never compromise your integrity. Understand what you want from marraige. Do not assume anything. Talk it through before marriage. Being engaged is a trial. This is the time to make sure you are meant to be together. 

I spent my time with party girls. Realized I wanted more out of life.

Do not expect a party girl to just change. She may for a while but she may then at a later time miss that. I am not saying that people cannot change and mature but you have to weigh all of this.

Find a women who is into you. One problem with some women is that they spend time partying it up and sleeping around and so on. They run into bad relationships. They then make a conscious decision to settle down. So they pick a stable guy with a good job. Not a bad boy type. 

The risk here is that what turns them on is the bad boy. They settle for the nice guy. At some point this gets old.

So I suggest that you be your finaces bad boy AND stable guy. Have a balance. 

Avoid drama queens.

Also do not be so quick to be understanding of a woman who wants to keep her EX lovers as friends, is more interested in having a lot of male freinds than being married and who has a priority to partying. Some younger women are programmed to push for these things. Let them grow out of that.

Find a real woman. You have to decide what that is.
marriage is a partnership. She needs to be able to run things while you are otherwise engaged. You are a team.

As they say, the grass is always greenest where is is watered. You have to do your part too. Avoid either one of you doing 80/20 for too long.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

H91 said:


> I guess my question is it so prevalent that its better not to marry? I don't know if maybe I have become biased by reading here too much... are all people like this? Is cheating this common?
> 
> I'm not attached to the idea of marriage, but I would like to have a family and children and a partner. I think not having kids is not an option for me.
> 
> Thanks for the answer.


It's all about character.

1. Cheating, at its core, is about lying. Stay away from liars. Don't put up with it in a girlfriend. Any hint of infidelity before you're married, just move on to the next.

2. Put yourself on equal footing. She will be your princess and you will want to do things for her, but you are her prince and she also should be doing things for you, too. It can't be too unbalanced. My observation is that a lot of the betrayed spouses always put more into the relationship than the cheater, from day one, and the cheater feels entitled to cheat thinking the betrayed partner is going to accept it. The cheater is not afraid of losing their loyal partner because the loyal partner has sent a signal, I will never leave you no matter how bad you treat me - I always put your needs above my own.

3. Don't think that the love you have in a marriage is "unconditional." When you get married, you agree to put each other first in your lives, but your love always will be conditioned upon your wife remaining faithful and loving you in return. Unlike a child, your parents, your siblings, who you love unconditionally, no matter what they do or whether or not they love you back. It's not that way with your wife.

4. If something is not acceptable to you, for example, flirting with other guys, going to hook-up/pick-up bars or clubs without you - speak up and tell her and don't tolerate it. Know what your boundaries are. Generally, if she is doing things that a single person looking for a mate would do, then it is unacceptable. That includes flirting with other guys, reaching out to past boyfriends, and going to pick up bars with her single friends. When a woman is into you, she won't want to do these types of things. Don't let her tell you that you are controlling or that you are too old fashioned. There are plenty of women who will see eye-to-eye with you on this subject, no matter what her or her friends say.

5. Stay away from damaged, broken women. Let's face it, you may feel sorry for them, they had it rough for whatever reason, it's nice to be their savior, their knight in shining armor, but if they are broken and damaged when you meet them, it's not your job to fix them, and you probably won't be able to fix them, they usually have to fix themselves.

6. Do you know some women like rich guys? Their moms will tell them, it's just as easy to marry a rich guy as a poor guy. Make sure they're not with you just because you're going to law school and they really want a "bad boy."

7. One poster on here just said that he gives a book as a wedding present and recommends people who are getting married read it before marriage - His Needs, Her Needs. After you get engaged and before you get married, not on the second date. Don't be afraid to break the engagement if something goes wrong with the relationship, no matter how much you've sunk into the wedding. Talk about what is acceptable and not acceptable with members of the opposite sex and come to an agreement.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

If you were my son, this is what I would tell you. There are no guarantees, but one of the first things that I remember my parents telling me is you don't just marry the person, you marry the whole family. Really look into the family history of divorce, work ethic, personalities, values and morals, religion, and how close they are. It will also give you a clue as to what kind of grandparents they will be to your beautiful children. These things really will matter at some point over your marriage, even if you think it's silly right now. 

I must say that I did a wonderful job picking out my new family when I married my husband. They have been amazing over the years and I love them all.

Something else to consider. You sound like a very smart young man, so when you meet that special woman, date for a while. Pay attention to how she handles money. If she is reckless now, it may be hurtful to you in the future. Money problems cause so many problems in a marriage. I would make sure that you go into a marriage debt free if you can. Get on the same page about money before you get married.

Marry someone with the same religion. I never thought about it before but I have read some crazy things here that would make me really think about this before I got married for the first time. Also, go to church together. I believe its important because you will have ups and downs throughout your marriage and there will be times that your religion may be what gets you through some of the harder times. 

Even if you think nothing will happen, and life will be roses and candy canes, it's not the case. Your life can change on a dime, and when this happens it can be hard. If you can pray together it helps. I know this for a fact because in our 23 years it has happened a few times. 

As for where to meet people I have no clue anymore. I always heard not to date someone you met at a bar but who knows. :rofl: I met my husband at work. We both worked at a bank when he was finishing college. We met and were married in 6 months. Somehow we have made it work. :rofl:

I know some people who say to date for a few years, but I have seen people do this and still end up in a divorce. I think you have to have the mindset to make it work. If there is a problem communicate about it. Don't ever, ever cheat, as you can see from this place right here it is not worth it. Cheating hurts everybody, including the one who did the cheating. Just dont do it.

OK, I will get off of my soap box now. :rofl:


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Also read http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf as well as 

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

If I could go back & give my 21 year old self advice I would say... have fun you don't need to be in a serious relationship yet, don't give your heart away too soon, LISTEN to your friends & family if they don't approve of who you are with maybe they're picking up on something you're too blind to see, all that glitters isn't gold & you should familiarize yourself with personality disorders.

I don't want to be a person who tells people to never get married but I would say don't get married until you're both over 30 both mentally & physically. My POS might have physically been 30 when we got married but definitely not mentally.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Never allow your emotions of attachment prevent you from walking away from the person when they violate what is most sacred to you. Also, you have to accept that a skilled cheater will kick your ass, at least once, no matter what preparations you take to weed them out. It is a humbling experience...


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Most people who got cheated on weren't perfect spouses.They didn't cheat but it was around 50/50 fault to get to that point of emotional detachment.I would say most of the time its lack of communication and passive aggressive behaviors that cause detachment.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

H91 said:


> I guess my question is it so prevalent that its better not to marry? I don't know if maybe I have become biased by reading here too much... are all people like this? Is cheating this common?
> 
> I'm not attached to the idea of marriage, but I would like to have a family and children and a partner. I think not having kids is not an option for me.
> 
> Thanks for the answer.


I don't think marriage is a necessary condition for cheating, so getting married or remaining unmarried doesn't change the fact that your wife or life long partner can potentially cheat on you. I'm not sure why the possibility of anyone cheating on you would make you consider to have a long-term g/f rather than marry. Makes no difference IMHO. 

Also, I just read a stat somewhere this week that unmarried couples with kids are much more likely to split up than married couples with kids. 

So yea all in all not so much about marriage vs long term partnership but more about finding someone you can trust and at the same time set boundaries with. There was a book or blog or something I came across once called affair proof your marriage. You might want to google that.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Jasel said:


> Also read http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf as well as
> 
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


Yeah. I say avoid this. People push this crap like heroin around here. It's silly nonsense. I can't think of worse 'advice' to give to a someone that is looking for a healthy outlook on relationships.

But the OP can undoubtedly figure that out for himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Real the Married Mans Sex Life by Athol.

I'm not saying follow it religiously, but read it to identify the behaviors that many married men slip into. And avoid them.

Avoid women with any history of drama in their past.

Avoid women who worry if their hair gets messy,

Avoid women who don't ever worry if their is messy

Do be focused and passionate about the one you choose to be with.

Do not be with someone who is not focused and passionate about you.

If you wouldn't trust the girl to borrow your car for a weekend, then don't sleep with her. Sex is more important than a car, and if wouldn't risk your car with her, why risk your ....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

totamm said:


> You can do the research, look up statistics on infidelity in marriage, it's well over 50%.
> 
> Divorce rates are approaching 60% and even among the 40% of couples that don't divorce, many of them are together only because of the kids, they can't afford a divorce or separate residences, or they're afraid to pull the plug.
> 
> You don't have to be married to have children.


Your numbers are off, or need clarification.

The 50% number comes from one year in the 1980's when a study found that in that one year half as many people got a divorce as got married. So for example if 10,000 got married that year, then 5,000 got divorced. Of course those how divorced were not married in that year. The statistic means nothing really.

The divorce rate has been falling steadily since the 1980's. The main reason for this is that people tend to get married at an older age now.

The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

*......................Age.......Women...........Men*
Under 20 years old.........27.6%..........11.7%
20 to 24 years old.........36.6%..........38.8%
25 to 29 years old.........16.4%..........22.3%
30 to 34 years old...........8.5%..........11.6% 
35 to 39 years old...........5.1%...........6.5%


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some of the things I've told my sons....

Do not marry too young. 


The divorce rate is very high for women under 25 and men under 30. the human brain does not even completely mature until age 26. So wait until you are at least 30 years old. Your wife should be at least 25 when you marry her. 

41% of first marriages end in divorce. Most of those occur between younger couples.

Marry woman with a college degree. 74% of divorced women do not have a college degree. So marrying a woman with a college degree increases your chance of not divorcing.

Do not marry a woman with children. Over 70% of marriages in which at least one spouse has children from a previous relationship ends in divorce.

Do not marry a woman who is a heavy drinker or uses illegal drugs.

Do not marry a woman who has mental a mental illness such as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia, etc or a woman with a personality disorder.

Talk about everything with her before you marry her: sex, money, child rearing, does she want to be a SAHM or have a career? That’s a short list. There are books that give questions to ask the person you want to marry. Know them very well before you marry them.

Watch how she spends money. Is she a saver or a spender? Avoid women who just blow through money like it's nothing.

Date for at least 1 year before becoming engaged. Then set a marriage for 1 year after the engagement. That will give the time you need to get to know each other.

Look at her family. Are they people you want around your children? Do they treat you and others with respect? Her family is very important and can ruin your marriage if you chose unwisely.

Learn how to structure your marriage so that it’s as affair proof and problem proof as possible. Read the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. When you are serious about a woman, the two of you should read them together and work through them together. The author has some very good books for engaged couples as well.

You can never completely affair and/or divorce proof your marriage. But you can do things that will significantly reduce the possibility of an affair and/or divorce.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Selfishness. Avoid any partner with an innate selfishness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

totamm said:


> You can do the research, look up statistics on infidelity in marriage, it's well over 50%.
> 
> Divorce rates are approaching 60% and even among the 40% of couples that don't divorce, many of them are together only because of the kids, they can't afford a divorce or separate residences, or they're afraid to pull the plug.
> 
> You don't have to be married to have children.


The statistics I have seen most say about 30 percent of wives cheat sooner or later. The real divorce rate is less than 50 percent. Higher divorce rates come from folks with more than one divorce.

The really high stats I have seen comd from groups with an agenda. Of course all the stats are messed up.

Googld divorce and infidelity statistics.
Spelling by android.


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