# Help



## Bbb123 (Mar 21, 2015)

Please help me with all your opinions please. I am seriously thinking about divorce with a 2 year old.
This situation is thus, I fell in love with someone who claimed to be taking care of his elderly father while working at a gallery part- time. This is where I met him. I too never really held on long to a full time position also spending most of my time in the arts. Still, I always taught art and worked on some type of "project" show or curatorial project.
We moved into together and I fell pregnant. The only house we could afford was 45 min from his part time job. Of course he complained and raged when he came home, very different from living in his father's million dollar townhouse blocks from the gallery. As it was he went for a promotion at work and was in consequence pushed out for embarrassing the director, his mother was the former director who I never met, god rest her soul. So his part time job was lost, 25k which we barely could live on. His father was writing him checks from the house but before the house sold, literally he and I would scrounge around for food , while I was pregnant and when we had a new born baby. I was humiliated. So, I frantically found him jobs and he applied to a place around where we use to live and got it, but I am not sure it was a real job because he lost it four months later. Before that though, I sensed the insecurity of the job and applied to a job and yes got it, thank god. I make 40k part time but it is not enough to rent an apartment where we live. I need 40k more. Luckily his father's townhouse sold and his dad gave us gifts of cash of 13 k increments. I do not have wealthy parents, if someone gives you a huge check, my instinct is to save that, put away for college, travel etc. put of course it went to monthly come. Check after check came and went to my horror. Still, no job. I send him jobs, I built him a website, I did his cover letters, and he got interviews but no score. 
Our daughter is now two. I am drowning taking care of applications, work, and bills. He takes care of our daughter when she is home and that is not an easy job, I know, but if I can find a job at home with an infant, why not him? He manipulates the past and says he contributed much and conveniently doesn't remember the horrors of living out in the country, pregnant, alone, poor and with him. I resent working while he stays at home with our daughter. I resent I do not have time to draw. I resent his manipulation and excuses and lies and lack of ambition. I know it is depressing to go to interviews and flunk them but what can you do? One has to keep going. We were suppose to grow together, but he is not growing. Things have become very toxic between us. Very. I asked him for a divorce but of course where can he go? His father is now with his brother. Why doesn't he ask his father for money and move out? I accept the big task of raising our daughter alone. I can do it,..I think... But the fighting around our daughter every weekend I am home and only want peace I am faced by a large, bitter and angry man... He is driving me crazy..please help. How to file for divorce if he won't leave? I am not cruel. I hope god gives him a job so he can find his own place and be a man his daughter can respect. He is 51. I am 37.Surely he must have more ability than I to be independent?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he has no way to support himself at 51, he will not be able to. Apparently his father coddled him and so he's never gown up.

You can file for divorce while living in the same house with him. Do not give him any money. Let him worry about himself. Don't worry how he will take care of himself. He will have to figure that out. Maybe at age 51 he will finally do that.

Who will watch your child if and when he leaves?

Do you have any family or close friends around there who can help you?


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## Bbb123 (Mar 21, 2015)

I cannot file for divorce while he is in the apartment. I live in va. Couples who want to file for divorce have to separate for one year if they have children. But how can I separate if he won't leave and if I leave how can I ensure the rent will be paid so my credit score does not just get blown over. I spent years fixing it. I will need good credit moving forward with a child. The only option I can think of, and I have been thinking overnight, is maybe to arrange to leave, leave everything I have collected and ask him to relinquish me from the rental. 
My mother lives near by but she is 75 and cannot really provide consisting reliable support. The other option is that the school I work for had tuition remission and that in a year they may make me full time..or that is what they say. I can only get half tuition for their infant program, 12k which is still quite a lot, if I work full time. My mother would do it, I know, but I don't know if it is the kind option. She was prepared to do it this year in fact, we were all waiting for my husband to find a job. But since he didn't she took on one college class, (she teaches) which seems to stress her. I'd have to wait for the summer, at which point I will be off too, but of course, I will try to find another job for then too.
I hate to think that you are actually right that he will not find a job. But I think I believe you... What man wouldn't work when his family needed him to. We live in one of the most economic prosperous places in the us. If he wanted to, he could do retail easily. I just refuses to go outside his comfort zone. I try talking to him about this, but he just uses consistent passive aggressive techniques that drive me crazy. 
Honestly, it am still turning this over and over in my head. Meanwhile, I am resolved to not ask again about the job situation to keep the peace until I can figure something out. Yesterday he went nuts, flipped everything around onto me, said I was abusive, etc. blah, blah, classic excuses for the one elephant in the room, it is not fair he is not working even part time. 
Still, I have to say this to you. Having your thoughts help me a lot. Thank you. I am so alone with this. I am not allowed to talk to his dad or brother, and my mother knows of course. But truly I have no one else I can trust with this, so embarrassed am I that my husband loves me so little. I of course would not say anything at work.
Anyway, my point is thank you for reading...


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## Bbb123 (Mar 21, 2015)

Yes, I have communicate this. It is not that I am not willing to work. But we need more income, and as I am already working the obvious person would be him. I get home from my job at 2pm, while I go in at 7 am. I am considered 85percent. He could work after I get home or on the weekends. 
Things have so deteriorated that I actually find him repulsive at this point. He is angry and bitter and unpleasant to be around. What I really need is a divorce. What I really need is for him to work so he can move out and start his own life. I do not love him anymore. It is that simple. If he had lost his employment, actually showed remorse, tried authentically and independently to find work and was humble, and still was unsuccessful, things might be different, but what I am dealing with is an angry person with a strong sense of entitlement. A person who uses our daughter as an excuse to not work when we as a family need more income. Something is inherently wrong with this person, something that occurred before our marriage, and something that he apparently can not transcend. How to get him out of my life? I feel trapped by a user and a liar. He just is not what he made himself out to be.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bbb123 said:


> Couples who want to file for divorce have to separate for one year if they have children.


Are you certain of that? I believe EleGirl is correct about your being able to cohabit as long as you maintain certain conditions, which are listed at Virginia Family Law. Also see the list at Virginia In-House Separation. Of course, you should speak with a Virgina lawyer about this. Take care, BBB.


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## Bbb123 (Mar 21, 2015)

Thank you uptown. I will look into that.
I will mention a moment today after a horrific argument, a moment of could it be..light? He said he applied to the Mercedes dealership and actually seemed excited about it. Good, leave the arts and sell German engineered motor cars, why not. I was so surprised. I hope he follows through, I hope someone gives him a chance. He sold high end art after all, and I will tell you people warm to him quickly. This is a good sign. Hopefully this is not just a passing fancy.
Thank you for all your replies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The best would be for this to turn around. What I suggest is that you keep working towards your independence. Let him get a job or not. Until the day you leave, or the divorce is final you can change your mind.

Keep in mind that if your income is low enough you can qualify for things like food stamps and other help.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I am not allowed to talk to his dad or brother". You don't need his permission.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Work towards financial independence. You have 14 years age gap and he is 51. He won't change. He might get another job of some sort; however, don't expect for him to stay in that job. He is used to having handouts. 

Work on yourself. Seek to be fully employed. Working part-time and working for the arts will not solve your financial problems. Having family members support you financially will not build your character. You will always have a crutch to your situation. 

You are only 37 years of age. Your mother who is helping you at this point will not live forever. You need to build a career so that you can be flexible in holding on to a job. Seek a full-time position with possible upward mobility.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was expecting to hear he was in his 20's -- not in his 50's. At his age, the patterns are, for the most part, set. Hopefully, he can sell cars and turn things around. But I wouldn't count on that so you need to get things in order for yourself and your child to have a workable future.


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