# My husband's alcoholism is tearing our marriage apart.



## mimi6143 (Dec 2, 2015)

My husband is an alcoholic and refuses to admit it or get help. I'm sorry if this is long, but I really need some advice.

My husband has been an alcoholic for most of our almost twenty year marriage. Over the last ten years it has gotten progressively worse and is now to the point, that there is rarely ever a day, in which he doesn't get very drunk.

It's slowly taken away any social life for us, because he's always too drunk for us to go anywhere. I hate the looks and the way he acts, when he's drunk and now simply avoid going anywhere with him, unless necessary.

We're like most married couples, in that we've had rough patches over the years, but I'm at the end of my rope and am figuratively ready to tie a noose in it and slip it over my neck.

In November of 2007, my father died, which was of course a difficult time, which was only made worse, by his complete lack of support. I'm the type of person, that feels uncomfortable crying in front of strangers or feeling as if I'm on display.

So, the night of my father's wake, I asked him to stay near, so that I would not feel so alone and as if everyone was watching my reactions. Well, he stayed with me for around a half an hour, when we first arrived. The rest of the night he was pretty much nowhere to be seen, other than flirting with my niece. My mother was there as well, but she was understandably a wreck and I didn't want to burden her with my pain, as well.

I had always thought that giving comfort and support, during difficult times was part of being married and should be offered and not asked for, but apparently I was wrong.

Fast forward to 2011, his drinking hits an all new high. He is always drunk and when I say drunk, I mean unable to even walk, without running into walls. He starts treating me horribly, constantly starting fights and saying the most hurtful things, he can think of. I become suspicious, because he starts hiding his phone and never wanting me to go with him, when he went anywhere.

He moves into our guest room, saying he needs space. He eventually confesses that he has been texting my sixteen year old niece and yes the same one from my father's wake. He plays it off as innocent, but a short time later I saw some of the photos they had exchanged and there was absolutely nothing innocent about them.

He tells me that he ended it and that it would not happen again. I knew he was lying, but I loved him and turned a blind eye, because I wanted my marriage to work. He used my love for him, to hold me hostage, telling me he was going through some stuff, that he refused to talk about.

Finally on the 4th of July, that same year, I caught him texting her. He quickly changes screens on his phone and I'll admit it, I flipped out. I attempted to take his phone. He grabs me in a choke hold from behind and twists my right arm up behind my back, pulling it so hard, that I had difficulty even raising it for a few days.

My niece is the daughter of my half sister, someone I've never been very close with, but when I finally managed to get away, I run next door to my mother's house and call her, telling her what happened. 

It was something that I should have done as soon as I found out, but I was so confused about the situation, that I had no idea how to handle it. My half sister takes away her phone and then calls me the next day to tell me he had sent a message, saying that she should blame him and not my niece.

I have no idea, as to who actually started the texting, nor do I care. Hearing about that message, made me feel as if my heart had been ripped out, because he was so worried about protecting her and never gave a single thought about how much he had hurt and devastated me.

We worked through it and he significantly slowed his drinking. Around six months later, I again catch him texting yet another woman, asking for photos and if she was interested in him. Again, he tells me he won't do it again, but that's right you guessed it, he starts emailing another woman from a secret account and when I found out, he refused to stop, saying she was only a friend.

I moved into the guest room and he again says he will change. I've caught him over the last year or so, joining dating sites and asking women for nude photos and sending very dirty messages.

He only does these things, when he's drinking and he claims it's not him doing it. Even telling me that he thinks he has a split personality, that only showed up around four years ago.

I want my marriage to work, but I can't live like this anymore. He convinced me to stop working in 2010, so that I could stay home with our son. I would leave, but have absolutely nowhere to go and no money to leave with.

Any advice would be appreciated, but please be respectful. I'm going through hell and don't know how much more I can take.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You trust him too easily. People of his high level of dysfunction take years and a life time perhaps. Alcoholism also may cause permanent brain damage, so he may never get healthy or functional for the rest of his life.

You should prioritize yourself and think what you can do about your life that is best for your well-being, not his. You neglected yourself and it is time to be selfish because being selfish in a healthy way is good for your own health.

You do not have to martyr yourself. At least one healthy individual is better than none, and as things stand, you both are miserable. Save yourself.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He is an alcoholic and needs treatment. Tell him to go get treatment or you are leaving him. Don't stay in that situation. Don't believe him when he says he is going to change. If he says he doesn't need help then leave because he is in denial.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

My advice to you is first, get to an Alanon meeting. You can also find online groups for loved ones of addicts/alcoholics. Whether you stay or go, it is invaluable to have a network of people who have walked in your shoes, and who completely understand why you haven't left yet. I would guess that most people just ask why you stick around and kind of look at you sideways. The people in Alanon will help you learn about alcoholism and how you can regain your life. 

It concerns me that you have a young son whose formative years are being spent in a house with an active alcoholic. For a time, I lived with an active addict. I was an adult, with grown up coping skills and support, and it was still the worst time of my life so far. If you stopped working in 2010, your son is around 4 or 5, right? Can you get back to work? 

I tend to agree with Happily that it would be a good idea to give him an ultimatum to do rehab, but I'd only do it if it won't kill you financially, if he has PTO, for example. And I'd only do it if it meant I could move out while he was gone, or ensure that he couldn't come back unless he'd been sober for 6 months or more. Sometimes people go from rehab yo halfway houses, but it doesn't sound like he's reached the level of dysfunction to qualify yet. I would not expect rehab to actually get him sober, because he is not interested in getting sober at this time. Rehab would have to provide a stepping stone for you, because it will be almost useless for him as long as he wants to keep drinking.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Alcoholism of the kind you described is not going to stop without treatment and even then it will be years of sustained effort by him that he will want to pursue for his own reasons. 

You have to realize that it is not about your own real or imagined failings but recognize that perhaps the best way you can help the situation is to start drawing boundaries. The only useful or meaningful support you can give is to help him in treatment but beyond that you need to prepare yourself for a life without him. 

While he continues his drinking ("cutting back" is still drinking) you can't rely on any promises of whatever kind so there is really no point in even talking about the other issues.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine.



mimi6143 said:


> He only does these things, when he's drinking


Which is ALL THE TIME. Right? 



mimi6143 said:


> I want my marriage to work


But it isn't working. And that's not YOUR failure. (Some people would argue that it's not HIS failure either, because he is an alcoholic and has an illness - but he can make changes to improve things). You, on the other hand, can only control what YOU do - he is responsible for what he does. 

He is lucky he did not end up being a registered sex offender for the incident with your niece. If that had been my daughter, he would have been (again - it's all on him, not you).

Right now he doesn't have a lot of incentive to change. I would provide some serious incentive. If you were working before, then you can hopefully work again and become more financially independent. I believe you will have to leave him (not threaten to leave him, but actually leave him) in order for him to hit rock bottom, realize what he has lost, and begin the process of climbing back out of the hole he is in.

And if he chooses not to do that, at least you will be on your way to the life you deserve, because you sure deserve better than this.

I wish you peace this holiday season and always.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

You cannot fix a marriage where one party is an active addict. Believe me I tried. I read every relationship book I could get my hands on, ignoring the part in the beginning of each & every one that said this would not work in an abusive relationship or one where there is an addiction. I had to try anyway. All it ended up doing was tearing me apart because no matter how much I tried I couldn't change how he acted. After 18 years I finally realized I had done all I could & he was not going to change. He made a lot of promises to change after I left & I even agreed to "try" (had no intention of reconciling really but if it helped motivate him so he'd be a better father I'd try it) if he quit drinking & got on medication for bipolar. He never followed through even though it was the only way to get his family back. 

My point is that there is nothing you can do to motivate him to change. Even leaving him may not be enough, but at least it's a step in the right direction for you & your child. Go get a job. Call a Temp Agency. Since it's been a while since you've worked that can be a good way to get some recent work experience. File for separation & ask the court to grant you temporary child support. Can you ask him to move out so as not to disrupt your child's life? If not, stay with family until you can get on your feet. The sooner you act the sooner you will find peace. You are not alone, although it may feel like it sometimes. Many others have been in the same position but you don't usually know it. 

Al-Anon can be very helpful but it depends on the group. If the dynamics of one group doesn't feel helpful to you then try another. Everyone is there with a different situation (parent/child/spouse/ex) so some can be a better fit than others. It definitely helps to talk with others who have been there.

The only other thing is like to add is that I have never once regretted leaving my prior marriage. My children both thanked me later on for getting them out of the craziness of living with an active alcoholic. Do what's best for you & your child. If your husband responds to the kick in the pants, great. If not, you're still on a better place.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He has to get sober. You know this. You must know this.

If you still love him and don't want him to die from alcohol abuse, you have to do the hard thing, which is draw the line in the sand: He gets help and stops drinking or your marriage is over. You won't watch him kill himself. Period.

After making this clear you should start to ask the next question, which is whether you really want to be with a man who cheats with young girls. This is disturbing beyond description, in my opinion.

Please stop wringing your hands and enabling him. You will wake up one day and see that you wasted years submerged in pain and grief. Why would you do that? Save your family now. You know what to do.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Not much info to go on but I think dry or wet he is a drunk. Marriage is about mutual support not sucided pact.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

He's an abusive, angry alcoholic. There's no respect for anyone, he's chasing the tail for kicks while married. He's going out trying to get laid after meeting strangers online. STD test might be a good precaution. 

There's no emotional availability like people deserve in a marriage. There's no trust, and no interest from him in change, in tacking an addiction problem which is more psychological than chemical. He might even describe you as an enabler, and make a million excuses. Sometimes our idea of how someone should be and how they actually are are far apart; it just might take a long time for that sink in if you are a loyal person. 

I think you know what you have to do to make a change. Best of luck!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mimi, sorry you are here. You are living with an addict and he will not change, unless he himself decides he has a problem and will do something about it, until then he will make your and his family's life miserable. You have to get of the rollercoaster first. Please join a local Al-Anon group, if one is not available where you are you can join an online Yahoo groups one. This will give you a platform to share with others going through exactly what you are going through.

Start the 12 step program, the first thing you have to do is detach with love.
It is likely you are co-dependent. Read Co- Dependent no more, as co-dependency keeps you on the roller coaster, he needs to feel the consequence of his actions. You only help him in as far as it helps you or your family. Stop covering for him, doing things for him, etc

What he has done with your niece is effectively child abuse as she is under the age limit, do not protect him in this, let him suffer whatever consequences there are. He is out of control.

Have you asked him about AA or going to a clinic?

I would suggest you start getting your ducks in a row, looking for a job, furthering studies, etc. Depending which country you live in see if there is any organisation that helps women in abusive relationship (he is emotionally abusive) and see if you could move out with your son. When you leave him, he may get the help he needs till then nothing will change I am afraid.


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## shiawase (Dec 4, 2015)

mimi6143 said:


> I want my marriage to work, but I can't live like this anymore.


Is it really worth it? Your partner has put you through hell and you've said yourself that he won't seek help or admit that he has a problem. 

My advice is to leave him; talk to friends, or family or if that isn't an option look for local women's shelters. They'll be able to give you the support you need. 

If he decides to sober up and make a decent shot at it then great. If not, then at least you'll know where you stand. 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I've seen too many abusive relationships where the woman has come off terribly because she's stayed with the man. It also effects the children; my bf and his sister struggle with mental health issues due to being abused by their dad. It's not worth it, he's not worth it. You and your child deserve so much better.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

My husband too is an alcoholic (and a heavy smoker), although not in an abusive way such as yours. He drinks almost every day, a few to "destress" and "take the edge off." He says he drinks because he likes the way it makes him feel (regardless of how it has made everyone else feel). We have had MANY issues over the years because of his many behaviours, and we have had many discussions and fights over the issues. Bottom line is, an addict, no matter what the addiction is, is a self-inflicted disease, and until the person is ready, willing and able to admit to their addiction, there won't be change. There is no reasoning with an addict/alcoholic because their thinking and reasoning mindset is warped. They will promise to change, and for a while they cut back on their addiction and you think they are making a "concerted effort to change," only to slip back into the same old habit/routine. 

You must get out of the toxic environment you and your child are in. It won't be easy, but finding your peace of mind and happiness never is. You have a child involved and first and foremost you need to think of his well being and how your husband's behaviour and actions are impacting him and his future behaviour. There are support groups out there to help women in your situation.

I sincerely hoping all goes well for you.


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## mimi6143 (Dec 2, 2015)

Thank you for your kind words. Believe me they mean a lot. My husband is similar, in that he always makes excuses for his drinking. 

It's devastating to watch someone, that you love so deeply, warp into a completely different person and become someone that cares for no one but themselves.

What's saddest, is that simply cannot or refuse to see the person that they become while drinking.

Though it's few and far between, my husband is one of the sweetest, caring and nicest person, you could ever meet, but as soon as he gets a few drinks in him, he becomes downright hateful and mean.

I'm very sorry for what you are living with, as well. I know firsthand how awful it can be. I hope you are able to find some happiness and peace, also.

If you're ever feeling overwhelmed, please feel free to message me. I would be happy to offer any comfort I can or simply be an ear for your frustration and grief.


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