# We are "on a break"



## Kaiity

I dont know how to describe the situatuon i am in woth my husband right now.

I am 30 and he is 26 turning 27. We have been married for 7 1/2 years. We met online and when we got together in person, sparks just flew. We were only together a few months and he had already told me he would like to marry me once he sorted his uni out.

I lived in america and he was visitng me from australia then. I had fallen pregnant by accident, and we made a decison with the support of his family that i would have the baby in Australia and we would try to have a life together.

Things were okay up until about 2-3 years ago, we started having issues. I put on 50kg and let myself go up until now (thats about 122 lbs i nearly doubled my weight.) We became complacant and grew apart sexually (he would try to initiate a few times but sometimes i push away, he also suffers from low testosterone and he would struggle to stay engaged.. i do think because of my physical appearance at times though he struggled to be into it.) He began to ask his dad about what he thought of divorce or separation. We never fully considered it and he said he wouldn't leave me.. but he had brought up a few times how he was unhappy with how i had become.

It wasnt just the weight. I dont wear makeup nice clothes, do my hair.. eat well.. Chores being left undone, i would get frustrated with mundane things with him, we spent too much time apart in separate rooms playing online games or talking to online friends. We essentially hit the "roomate" sort of phase. Money has been low too and we have substantial debt.. because we were a bit careless.

He finally told me about a month ago he thinks hes not in it anymore and he doesnt like the person i am and he doesnt think he can continue. I was devastated... and unprepared. But really, it was a wakeup call.

We talked and had our discussion but it wasnt going anywhere. So i finally said to him "okay... i hear you. Lets not do anything right now. Lets just take a break and revisit later." And he asked "can we see other people" and i said reluctantly "yes."

He has developed some sort of companionship with someone else over the internet over the last 2-3 months that lives in another state. It has been a month since we started this break, and we have been acting normal outside the romance. He is at home with me but he hasnt changed his habits and he just shuts the door to his room and talks to this other girl.

I have made some changes so far. I am doing chores and trying to clean up my life and take responsibility. I have lost nearly 8kgs from exercise and healthy eating. I am fully committed to undoing the damage i have caused to myself.

I went to ask him how he was feeling the day before yesterday. He said "things are better. The house is cleaner and things seem okay. I may start seeing someone else soon."

Of course i was mortified but i stayed calm. I told him i wasnt happy, and he said "you said i could. Whats the point of a break if you consider it cheating- we may as well call things off."

Of course i dont want this, and i asked "do you love me?" He said "you wont like the answer to that." So i said "you dont love me at all..." and he said "its not that i dont love you at all but i just dont have romantic feelings towards you. So im finding it elsewhere." His resolve was "you cant fix your weight and everything overnignt, so why cant i date other people in the meantime and we can revisit later." And he said "im not ready to talk about this right now."


I called his father for advice, who is a blunt and rather traditional chinese man, he was encouraging us to have a baby earlier this year.. but all he said to me now is "theres no love. 100% it wont work. You dont have love if it werent for the baby you wouldn't still be together." Etc. He didnt let me speak a word, he was overhwelmingly negative.


I dont want my family to fall apart. My husband still pats me on the head, send me funny pictures sometimes and he said hes happy to be my friend and interact with me but hes not able to be a husband or romantic with me right now. He still eats what i cook.


We are on break and still living together. I do have some hope that if i transform myself i can bring him back ... but im worried that it may be too late, or he may completely leave me for someone else.


Please, any advice or input would be tremendously appreciated.


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## sokillme

It would be easier for you if you just divorced now, I think. Watching him date other women is probably going to be torture for you and not nice of him to do to you at all. If he is done he should act like he is done and you both move on. 

Do you guys have kids? I am not sure from your post. It sounds like you might have just had one, which means you being to busy to clean as much and not in the best shape seems pretty normal.

While letting yourself go is never a good strategy in marriage, nor is taking your partner for granted, neither is not telling them that you are unhappy and completely blindsiding them. As you tell it it sounds like you had no idea, is that really true or has this just come to a head now? Did you have any idea he was unhappy?

I wish I could tell you something that would fix it but I am not sure I can. I also feel what he is doing now, making you watch him date is a particularly cruel thing he is doing to you. Maybe you should think about separating just so you are spared the suffering. 

I think for your long term future it might do you some good to figure out why you let yourself go so much, assuming this isn't just the normal thing of having a new baby. Also understanding that physical attraction is very important in marriage. It's really not right to let yourself go (I am not talking about the normal aging process that everyone goes through, putting on 10 pounds, losing hair, etc.) Everyone should strive to be the best for their partner. Sex for men is also very visual so that is going to cause problems too. 

I am sorry you are going through this. Understand that even if it is not with this man your life is not over. You will still be happy again.


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## Mr.Married

By all accounts it is completely finished ..... and when I say finished ... I mean completely. It's toast.

Get the divorce and move on. You will be pain shopping the longer you drag this out.

He's going to leave as soon as he can secure a spot elsewhere. 

Right now your just the roommate that is cooking for him and keeping the place clean.

Yes ..... it sucks. Relationships are like anything else. They require responsibility and work.


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## notmyjamie

If he is openly dating and doesn't care how much that will hurt you, your marriage is over. Don't stick around and be his cook and cleaning lady. Start working on yourself, improve your diet, exercise and lose all that extra weight. I suspect moving so far from home and the demands of motherhood may have caused some depression and that contributed to your weight gain and lack of ambition in taking care of the house. See a therapist. 

Don't wait around for him to go on dates, sleep with other women, and hope he'll come back to you. I understand his lack of desire based on your weight gain, but if he really loved you, he would have discussed this with you long ago and maybe even helped you with it. Even if you lose the weight and he comes back to you, will you ever trust him for real again? His love would be very conditional and that's no way for you to live.

Get yourself better please!!! You're young, it won't be that hard. Do it and go be happy with someone who will really love you.


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## frusdil

Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you. What a jerk he is. Does anyone take wedding vows seriously anymore?

Your marriage is over honey, he's openly dating others and doesn't give a toss how you feel about it. For your own sake, it's better for you to move out and file for divorce. In Aus you need to be separated for a year before you can divorce, so best get onto it now.

I understand how you feel about your weight gain, and I can see it from his point too (though not as much). I went to my husband in tears last year, I was feeling blah and had gained a few kg's and was just feeling gross. You know what he said to me? He said "How can I help you? What do you need me to do?". THAT is what a real, loving husband says to his wife. Not this bs that you're tolerating.


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## ConanHub

He is worthless. Are you in the U.S.? If so, what state?


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## Laurentium

> His resolve was "you cant fix your weight and everything overnight, so why cant i date other people in the meantime and we can revisit later."


Your answer is "because it is too painful for me. Either we divorce, or you stay married, which means no other people". 

Are you in Australia, and if so, is there an issue around your nationality? Can you stay there if you get divorced?


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## TJW

We have let the marriage become meaningless. Our "me generation" has done this, it has created people who are entitled to seek their own lusts and their own covetousness at the expense of their marital partner.



ConanHub said:


> He is worthless.


Yep. Exactly. What a selfish POS..... he should be doing what he can to build your self-esteem and help you regain a healthy weight. He should be dealing with his own sexual problems, with low T, etc. instead of chasing tail outside his marriage.



Kaiity said:


> "its not that i dont love you at all but i just dont have romantic feelings towards you. So im finding it elsewhere."


This is the cheater's mantra. Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1, page 3. ILYBINILWY. Excuse. Lie. I'm ENTITLED. Never mind that God placed what I'm doing in the same list with theft, perjury, and murder, it's really ok.....it's ok for me to be driven about with every change in my "feelings".....


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## StillSearching

Kaiity said:


> I dont know how to describe the situatuon i am in woth my husband right now.
> 
> I am 30 and he is 26 turning 27. We have been married for 7 1/2 years. We met online and when we got together in person, sparks just flew. We were only together a few months and he had already told me he would like to marry me once he sorted his uni out.
> 
> I lived in america and he was visitng me from australia then. *I had fallen pregnant by accident*, and we made a decison with the support of his family that i would have the baby in Australia and we would try to have a life together.
> 
> Things were okay up until about 2-3 years ago, we started having issues. I put on 50kg and let myself go up until now (thats about 122 lbs i nearly doubled my weight.) We became complacant and grew apart sexually (he would try to initiate a few times but sometimes i push away, he also suffers from low testosterone and he would struggle to stay engaged.. i do think because of my physical appearance at times though he struggled to be into it.) He began to ask his dad about what he thought of divorce or separation. We never fully considered it and he said he wouldn't leave me.. but he had brought up a few times how he was unhappy with how i had become.
> 
> It wasnt just the weight. I dont wear makeup nice clothes, do my hair.. eat well.. Chores being left undone, i would get frustrated with mundane things with him, we spent too much time apart in separate rooms playing online games or talking to online friends. We essentially hit the "roomate" sort of phase. Money has been low too and we have substantial debt.. because we were a bit careless.
> 
> He finally told me about a month ago he thinks hes not in it anymore and he doesnt like the person i am and he doesnt think he can continue. I was devastated... and unprepared. But really, it was a wakeup call.
> 
> We talked and had our discussion but it wasnt going anywhere. So i finally said to him "okay... i hear you. Lets not do anything right now. Lets just take a break and revisit later." And he asked "can we see other people" and i said reluctantly "yes."
> 
> He has developed some sort of companionship with someone else over the internet over the last 2-3 months that lives in another state. It has been a month since we started this break, and we have been acting normal outside the romance. He is at home with me but he hasnt changed his habits and he just shuts the door to his room and talks to this other girl.
> 
> I have made some changes so far. I am doing chores and trying to clean up my life and take responsibility. I have lost nearly 8kgs from exercise and healthy eating. I am fully committed to undoing the damage i have caused to myself.
> 
> I went to ask him how he was feeling the day before yesterday. He said "things are better. The house is cleaner and things seem okay. I may start seeing someone else soon."
> 
> Of course i was mortified but i stayed calm. I told him i wasnt happy, and he said "you said i could. Whats the point of a break if you consider it cheating- we may as well call things off."
> 
> Of course i dont want this, and i asked "do you love me?" He said "you wont like the answer to that." So i said "you dont love me at all..." and he said "its not that i dont love you at all but i just dont have romantic feelings towards you. So im finding it elsewhere." His resolve was "you cant fix your weight and everything overnignt, so why cant i date other people in the meantime and we can revisit later." And he said "im not ready to talk about this right now."
> 
> 
> I called his father for advice, who is a blunt and rather traditional chinese man, he was encouraging us to have a baby earlier this year.. but all he said to me now is "theres no love. 100% it wont work. You dont have love if it werent for the baby you wouldn't still be together." Etc. He didnt let me speak a word, he was overhwelmingly negative.
> 
> 
> I dont want my family to fall apart. My husband still pats me on the head, send me funny pictures sometimes and he said hes happy to be my friend and interact with me but hes not able to be a husband or romantic with me right now. He still eats what i cook.
> 
> 
> We are on break and still living together. I do have some hope that if i transform myself i can bring him back ... but im worried that it may be too late, or he may completely leave me for someone else.
> 
> 
> Please, any advice or input would be tremendously appreciated.


I stopped reading right here.....Women have 43 ways of birth control, Men have 2.


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## sa58

Sorry that you are here and having this problem.

" A break " It should be a complete break. He needs 
to move out and go it on his own. Stop cooking, cleaning,
and everything else you are doing for him. If he wants to
go it alone let him. ON HIS OWN PERIOD. Right now he has
the best of both worlds, you and dating ? You are his wife
not his mother. 

If he stays let him take care of himself. When his stomach 
growls let him feed himself. Let him wash his own clothes
and everything else. It always upsets me when people 
in relationships change ( put on a little weight ) and then 
one or the other want to bail. People change and relationships
( long term good ones ) are hard work sometimes. If problems
come up you work on them and try and fix them. YOU DON'T 
CHEAT !! He is simple looking for another place or person to
put up with him. 

Keep taking better care of yourself and improving your life.
Become 100 times better than you were before and show 
him what he is losing. From your post you are not losing
much in him. Make sure he understands you will not and I 
mean not tolerate his actions anymore. Make sure he 
understands he has responsibilities as far as debt and your 
child goes. Thing will not appear so great and easy for him then.

You should not do all of the hard work while he goes and plays.
He is an adult and he needs to start acting that way. 

You have one life to live. Live it to the fullest and if he decides to
be part of it, great. If he decides not to be there let him go.

Take care of yourself, first. To many people forget that when they
go through something like this.


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## 3Xnocharm

Why the hell did you say YES to being able to see other people?! You gave him permission to be with other women, what were you thinking? Clearly that is what he wanted to do all along, and he is doing nothing to hide it. Pretty sick. He would have done it anyway, but he would have kept it hidden from you. 

You let yourself fall apart, physically, mentally, emotionally. And it pushed him away and now he is done. Keep up the good work you have been doing on yourself and let him go. You dont want to keep clinging on to someone who doesnt want you, you'd be a fool.


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## TJW

Duplicated post


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## TJW

3Xnocharm said:


> He would have done it anyway, but he would have kept it hidden from you.


Exactly right. And that is because he is a lying $ack of $hit whose vows "...in sickness and in health....for richer, for poorer....." meant nothing to him then, and mean nothing to him now.... he has re-written history to have said "....for as long as it feels good to me...."....

GOOD people mean what they say, and do what they say. They have reverence for God, and for His institution of marriage. If their wife gets skinny, if their wife gets fat, guess what ?? They do not "take a break".... they remain faithful, they provide frequent sex to the partner they promised....and they provide encouragement, edification, and financial support to their spouse for returning to good health.


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## aine

YOu are both culpable in this marriage but you do not dump a spouse when they are having a tough time. 

You have let yourself go, I think you have to discover why this has happened. Is it because of moving to another country, being away from family, lack of support, etc, it can be traumatic. 

I suggest you take this break as a blessing and start working on yourself, for yourself, not for him. Get your weight down, take care of yourself, start going out, make new friends, take up hobbies, develop your skills, so you can become totally self reliant.
I assume he is paying for everything? Or are you working?
If you are contributing financially, stop cooking and doing his laundry. He wants the single life let him experience the single life in full. Live for yourself and your kid. Do the 180 hard on him.
Your H is immature, he may have done this to shock you into action, but it is a very mean way to do it. You do not want such as selfish, cheating POS in your life, start to detach emotionally from him.
I would suggest you see a lawyer to see what your options are, consider returning to the USA also. Rely on a friend for support and tell your family what is happening.
Organise yourself, forget about your WH and if possible also get therapy/counselling for youself.
YOur FIL sounds like an interfering man, I guess your WH is a Daddy's boy. Are your of Chinese origin also?


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## Kaiity

aine said:


> YOu are both culpable in this marriage but you do not dump a spouse when they are having a tough time.
> 
> You have let yourself go, I think you have to discover why this has happened. Is it because of moving to another country, being away from family, lack of support, etc, it can be traumatic.
> 
> I suggest you take this break as a blessing and start working on yourself, for yourself, not for him. Get your weight down, take care of yourself, start going out, make new friends, take up hobbies, develop your skills, so you can become totally self reliant.
> I assume he is paying for everything? Or are you working?
> If you are contributing financially, stop cooking and doing his laundry. He wants the single life let him experience the single life in full. Live for yourself and your kid. Do the 180 hard on him.
> Your H is immature, he may have done this to shock you into action, but it is a very mean way to do it. You do not want such as selfish, cheating POS in your life, start to detach emotionally from him.
> I would suggest you see a lawyer to see what your options are, consider returning to the USA also. Rely on a friend for support and tell your family what is happening.
> Organise yourself, forget about your WH and if possible also get therapy/counselling for youself.
> YOur FIL sounds like an interfering man, I guess your WH is a Daddy's boy. Are your of Chinese origin also?


I am not, i am actually from the USA  im Caucasian, my daughter is mixed (and shes very cute!!)

I am working. I have a career that i have been with for years, and im more of the breadwinner though he does have a job at the moment. I have been so fully in the past, if anything he has been somewhat reliant on me until recently. There were times he would get into trouble socially at work and quit jobs. He hasnt been able to keep any job longer than a year and hes always fallen back onto me for support.

i am slowly and deeply working on myself right now, i understand that letting myself go and letting this happen is a symptom of a deeper problem. Honestly, its a problem i have had before i met my husband as well. . . i just neglected it all this time and tried to push it down and tried to bandaid it with bad habits and lack of self care. Losing the weight will actually be the easy part of this, ive done it before. Even back when i was overweight once before and my husband was cranky about it, when i lost it he said "yes i had problems when you were fat. now you're not you just look like a proper girl."

he is immature and i think thats what a lot of people here don't fully understand... while i understand that what he is doing is wrong and horrible, and most people would not stand for it.. but its not just about him and me. Its about my seven year old daughter as well. I don't want her to have a broken family. I dont want this family to break and i do have some semblance of hope that things will fall into place with time and patience and some heavy soul searching on my behalf. I have neglected my husband and disrespected our relationship, i am not a complete victim here.

my husband is immature. my father in law is no better and it was a mistake to talk to him. He tried to tell me that he knew what love is and that my family doesn't have it. "i had 40 girlfriends before i met your mum in law. i know what love is." (he cheated on my mum in law two times so i know for certain he is in no place to talk about what love or commitment is, he is a man who doesn't own up to his mistakes. the only reason they are still together is because my mum in law is a selfless woman who like me, wants to protect her family.)

my mother in law has been counselling me and telling me that theres a good chance my husband will come around with time and some work on myself. She told me "love yourself first, don't do it for my son. Forget him. To give love to others you need to love yourself first and foremost"

My therapist was appalled when i told her that he said he would be possibly going out to date someone else. She wanted to bring him to a counseling session with me. I called and asked if he would attend, he said "yeah sure but can it be before Thursday. I'm leaving the entire weekend."

I'm certain hes going out to have an affair. When i asked where he was going he said "thats my buisness"

I asked if he was interested at all in counseling to repair our marriage, he said in the future yes maybe but right now he just wants to be left to "do his own thing for a bit." and "keep fixing yourself and do what you're doing, then we can revisit later."

To be honest, i think he really does want to see the change in me before he is ready to give it another chance.

I know this all sounds absolutely disgusting and horrible and most people wouldn't stand for it. I know its going to result in a lot of pain and suffering for me to stand by while he does what he wants and it could very well still lead to a painful and drawn out breakup rather than the reconciliation im hoping for.. i know im being ''too nice.'' I know ....... I know...........

But its much like you say. I will take this break as a time out. To work on myself and try to take the focus off of him. That way no matter what happens i will have some foot in the door towards repairing my life, and if there is any chance i can preserve a whole family for my daughter, even if it is an illusion at this given moment- i will take it.

I'm shocked at how many people are so quick to throw out the word and jump towards divorce and separation. I know these issues are serious and horrible, i know my husband is being awful and theres a chance these issues may still linger even if we do survive and there are these low low points and times of hopelessness... but i took a vow and im going to commit to it until i don't have a choice anymore. Theres a lot of maybes and possibilities that this could end horribly but .. im going to try.


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## ConanHub

Kaiity said:


> I am not, i am actually from the USA  im Caucasian, my daughter is mixed (and shes very cute!!)
> 
> I am working. I have a career that i have been with for years, and im more of the breadwinner though he does have a job at the moment. I have been so fully in the past, if anything he has been somewhat reliant on me until recently. There were times he would get into trouble socially at work and quit jobs. He hasnt been able to keep any job longer than a year and hes always fallen back onto me for support.
> 
> i am slowly and deeply working on myself right now, i understand that letting myself go and letting this happen is a symptom of a deeper problem. Honestly, its a problem i have had before i met my husband as well. . . i just neglected it all this time and tried to push it down and tried to bandaid it with bad habits and lack of self care. Losing the weight will actually be the easy part of this, ive done it before. Even back when i was overweight once before and my husband was cranky about it, when i lost it he said "yes i had problems when you were fat. now you're not you just look like a proper girl."
> 
> he is immature and i think thats what a lot of people here don't fully understand... while i understand that what he is doing is wrong and horrible, and most people would not stand for it.. but its not just about him and me. Its about my seven year old daughter as well. I don't want her to have a broken family. I dont want this family to break and i do have some semblance of hope that things will fall into place with time and patience and some heavy soul searching on my behalf. I have neglected my husband and disrespected our relationship, i am not a complete victim here.
> 
> my husband is immature. my father in law is no better and it was a mistake to talk to him. He tried to tell me that he knew what love is and that my family doesn't have it. "i had 40 girlfriends before i met your mum in law. i know what love is." (he cheated on my mum in law two times so i know for certain he is in no place to talk about what love or commitment is, he is a man who doesn't own up to his mistakes. the only reason they are still together is because my mum in law is a selfless woman who like me, wants to protect her family.)
> 
> my mother in law has been counselling me and telling me that theres a good chance my husband will come around with time and some work on myself. She told me "love yourself first, don't do it for my son. Forget him. To give love to others you need to love yourself first and foremost"
> 
> My therapist was appalled when i told her that he said he would be possibly going out to date someone else. She wanted to bring him to a counseling session with me. I called and asked if he would attend, he said "yeah sure but can it be before Thursday. I'm leaving the entire weekend."
> 
> I'm certain hes going out to have an affair. When i asked where he was going he said "thats my buisness"
> 
> I asked if he was interested at all in counseling to repair our marriage, he said in the future yes maybe but right now he just wants to be left to "do his own thing for a bit." and "keep fixing yourself and do what you're doing, then we can revisit later."
> 
> To be honest, i think he really does want to see the change in me before he is ready to give it another chance.
> 
> I know this all sounds absolutely disgusting and horrible and most people wouldn't stand for it. I know its going to result in a lot of pain and suffering for me to stand by while he does what he wants and it could very well still lead to a painful and drawn out breakup rather than the reconciliation im hoping for.. i know im being ''too nice.'' I know ....... I know...........
> 
> But its much like you say. I will take this break as a time out. To work on myself and try to take the focus off of him. That way no matter what happens i will have some foot in the door towards repairing my life, and if there is any chance i can preserve a whole family for my daughter, even if it is an illusion at this given moment- i will take it.
> 
> I'm shocked at how many people are so quick to throw out the word and jump towards divorce and separation. I know these issues are serious and horrible, i know my husband is being awful and theres a chance these issues may still linger even if we do survive and there are these low low points and times of hopelessness... but i took a vow and im going to commit to it until i don't have a choice anymore. Theres a lot of maybes and possibilities that this could end horribly but .. im going to try.


I'm shocked your self esteem and worth are so incredibly low as to not kick his worthless ass to the curb.

My cousin kicked her idiot husband to the curb for a similar situation and I helped him "move" on.

She found a really great guy afterwards and it was my pleasure to officiate their wedding.

She has a son with her ex and fraternal twins, a boy and a girl, with her excellent new husband.

Think more highly of yourself. Your husband isn't worth spit.


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## notmyjamie

The reason people are quick to use the D word is that your husband is blatantly cheating on you with absolutely no remorse for it. The fact that he's telling you outright he will be sleeping with other women is disgusting. I don't care how immature he is, it's disgusting. If you take him back after he's been out sleeping with other people he'll always know he can do it again and again and again. 

And you're worried about your daughter, but what are you teaching her? She's going to learn from you that it's ok for a man to treat her with no respect, compassion, empathy, or love. I highly doubt that's what you want her to learn. 

You are worth so much more than him. I really wish you could see it. I'd tell him that he goes out dating and sleeping with others, you might not stick around after you lose the weight. You might just decide to go out and have your fun too.


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## Loveshorror

ConanHub said:


> I'm shocked your self esteem and worth are so incredibly low as to not kick his worthless ass to the curb.
> 
> My cousin kicked her idiot husband to the curb for a similar situation and I helped him "move" on.
> 
> She found a really great guy afterwards and it was my pleasure to officiate their wedding.
> 
> She has a son with her ex and fraternal twins, a boy and a girl, with her excellent new husband.
> 
> Think more highly of yourself. Your husband isn't worth spit.


Also - is this really what you want to normalize for your daughter such that she finds being treated this way acceptable? SMH


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## frusdil

Kaiity said:


> I know this all sounds absolutely disgusting and horrible and most people wouldn't stand for it. I know its going to result in a lot of pain and suffering for me to stand by while he does what he wants and it could very well still lead to a painful and drawn out breakup rather than the reconciliation im hoping for.. i know im being ''too nice.'' I know ....... I know...........
> 
> I'm shocked at how many people are so quick to throw out the word and jump towards divorce and separation. I know these issues are serious and horrible, i know my husband is being awful and theres a chance these issues may still linger even if we do survive and there are these low low points and times of hopelessness... but i took a vow and im going to commit to it until i don't have a choice anymore. Theres a lot of maybes and possibilities that this could end horribly but .. im going to try.


Honey, it sounds disgusting and horrible because it is! How can you allow him to treat you this way? What sort of example do you want to be for your daughter?

Everyone is advising you to divorce him because he is openly cheating on you and dating other women! He won't go to counselling. There's no marriage there left to save sweetie. It's gone. I'm so sorry to say that but it's true.

At a minimum, at least tell him not to come home until you tell him to and once you've figured out what you want to do. Take your power back for god sake. In Australia you have to be legally separated for a year before you can file for divorce, so you still have time to reconcile (why you'd want to I have no idea) if you really want to, but you need to shake things up right now.

Why are both of you putting all the blame on you? A marriage takes TWO people to make it work. You are both responsible for the position you're in now.

My god, some of the threads on TAM make me appreciate my husband so much more...they really make me hot for him.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow, so you are OK with being a crappy role model for your daughter?? If you stay in this, your daughter will grow up thinking that THIS is how marriage works, that a man openly cheating on his wife and her passively accepting it is NORMAL! Is this the way you want some man treating your daughter?? Is this the kind of woman you want you daughter to see you being?? My daughter tells me all the time how much she admires my strength, how I am the strongest woman she knows and has thanked me for being an example for her. Do you think you will get the same from yours when she gets older?


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## Spicy

This is SO GROSS AND DEMEANING.

Since you are dead set on staying no matter what he does to you and your child, you should at the very minimum do a hard 180.

I can’t imagine wanting to keep him. Your marriage doesn’t even sound like it was that good before all this.

You can remain close and coparent extremely well. My XH and I have done it for years. I’m very happily remarried. 

Ask yourself...”What *would* he have to do to make me divorce him?
Telling you he is going to cheat and doing it isn’t enough?! What would it take? Or does he get a forever free pass because your chubby?


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## BigDigg

Op - agree with all others that this marriage is long over. As hard as this is to hear there's just no chance he'll ever regain what he once had for you...and honestly doesn't deserve you anyways. His 'dating other people' bit reeks of cowardliness and inability to kill the puppy, so he's hoping you eventually take the cue and pack up because he's not man enough to just leave himself. Your willingness to stick around in these circumstances will cause him to lose respect he'll never regain. 

Brighter days for you ahead anyhow (promise!). The conditions of your marriage aren't entirely of your making but pay attention and learn from this experience as well as this is an opportunity to reflect and change yourself for the better too. 

Not trying to rub salt...but it's important for both men and women to try and maintain attractiveness throughout the marriage and respect your partner. Marriage and vows might be contractual in nature but attraction can't be reasoned with or negotiated. And while you can promise to try and love someone you can't promise to be attracted to them always and forever. It's not just about weight...but effort and respect and understanding your partners needs and your role and value to them. And this applies to both men and women equally. Lord knows there are a million men here on TAM who've done the equivalent and can't understand why their wives don't 'love' them anymore. Once you finally notice the symptoms it's so late to change or alter the prognosis...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BigDigg said:


> Your willingness to stick around in these circumstances will cause him to lose respect he'll never regain.


This. This exactly is what this all comes down to.


----------



## Kaiity

3Xnocharm said:


> This. This exactly is what this all comes down to.



After talking to various people about this, my counsellor and my hair stylist as well. everyone said the same thing. I shouldn't tolerate this behaviour.


I woke up this morning with the overwhelming need to look at what my husband is doing... so i checked his phone. Message after message after message with another woman. "love u," etc, even talking about his issues with me and how hes going to break things off with me.

you all are right after all. I had to confront him. So i did, and we are likely going to go through with the separation. There may be chance we can reconcile down the line, but to be very truthful, im not sure i want to after this dishonesty.

Why did he string me along like this... ? I dont understand it. Why would he set me up to suffer 6 months and then break up with me...? His father also said things to him that somewhat encouraged action on separating. His father is a pig, and he is too.

I told him id be willing to forgive this if he went to counseling with me. He said "i don't have an answer for that right now" and he kept leaning towards "we will separate and find you somewhere to live, sell the apartment etc"


im somewhat glad i went through the phone, because at least now i know whats really going on. Its not just a matter of my weight and letting myself go, though im sure that contributed to him seeking romance elsewhere. But Its a matter that this marriage maybe wasn't worth it to begin with anyway.


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## Tiggy!

Kaiity said:


> I am not, i am actually from the USA  im Caucasian, my daughter is mixed (and shes very cute!!)
> 
> I am working. I have a career that i have been with for years, and im more of the breadwinner though he does have a job at the moment. I have been so fully in the past, if anything he has been somewhat reliant on me until recently. There were times he would get into trouble socially at work and quit jobs. He hasnt been able to keep any job longer than a year and hes always fallen back onto me for support.


I'm sure this is played a part in why he's strung you along.


----------



## Andy1001

Kaiity said:


> After talking to various people about this, my counsellor and my hair stylist as well. everyone said the same thing. I shouldn't tolerate this behaviour.
> 
> 
> I woke up this morning with the overwhelming need to look at what my husband is doing... so i checked his phone. Message after message after message with another woman. "love u," etc, even talking about his issues with me and how hes going to break things off with me.
> 
> you all are right after all. I had to confront him. So i did, and we are likely going to go through with the separation. There may be chance we can reconcile down the line, but to be very truthful, im not sure i want to after this dishonesty.
> 
> Why did he string me along like this... ? I dont understand it. Why would he set me up to suffer 6 months and then break up with me...? His father also said things to him that somewhat encouraged action on separating. His father is a pig, and he is too.
> 
> I told him id be willing to forgive this if he went to counseling with me. He said "i don't have an answer for that right now" and he kept leaning towards "we will separate and find you somewhere to live, sell the apartment etc"
> 
> 
> im somewhat glad i went through the phone, because at least now i know whats really going on. Its not just a matter of my weight and letting myself go, though im sure that contributed to him seeking romance elsewhere. But Its a matter that this marriage maybe wasn't worth it to begin with anyway.


Here’s a way to lose a lot of excess weight quickly. 
Divorce the asswipe you’re married to. 
On a serious note,stop financing his extra curricular activities.Open a new checking account and have your salary paid into it while making sure only you have access to it. Insist on him paying half of all expenses for your child and your apartment and whatever debt you have. 
First thing Monday see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.


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## 3Xnocharm

Kaiity said:


> After talking to various people about this, my counsellor and my hair stylist as well. everyone said the same thing. I shouldn't tolerate this behaviour.
> 
> 
> I woke up this morning with the overwhelming need to look at what my husband is doing... so i checked his phone. Message after message after message with another woman. "love u," etc, even talking about his issues with me and how hes going to break things off with me.
> 
> you all are right after all. I had to confront him. So i did, and we are likely going to go through with the separation. There may be chance we can reconcile down the line, but to be very truthful, im not sure i want to after this dishonesty.


I for one am very glad to hear this, it means you are finding your self respect. 




Kaiity said:


> Why did he string me along like this... ? I dont understand it. Why would he set me up to suffer 6 months and then break up with me...? His father also said things to him that somewhat encouraged action on separating. His father is a pig, and he is too.


Because he is a coward. He wanted to keep you there for security until he felt comfortable enough with what or who he was doing that he could be done. 




Kaiity said:


> I told him id be willing to forgive this if he went to counseling with me. He said "i don't have an answer for that right now" and he kept leaning towards "we will separate and find you somewhere to live, sell the apartment etc"


This is bullcrap speak for "I'm not interested, I'm done, but I am too much of a pu$$y coward to say it."




Kaiity said:


> im somewhat glad i went through the phone, because at least now i know whats really going on. Its not just a matter of my weight and letting myself go, though im sure that contributed to him seeking romance elsewhere. But Its a matter that this marriage maybe wasn't worth it to begin with anyway.



I am glad you did. Sometimes it takes a slap of reality to move us out of our paralysis.


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## Marc878

Continue to work on yourself for you. From what I've seen your marriage is over.

Make permanent changes.


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## ConanHub

Andy1001 said:


> Here’s a way to lose a lot of excess weight quickly.
> Divorce the asswipe you’re married to.
> On a serious note,stop financing his extra curricular activities.Open a new checking account and have your salary paid into it while making sure only you have access to it. Insist on him paying half of all expenses for your child and your apartment and whatever debt you have.
> First thing Monday see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.


Umm... Why aren't there more likes on this post???

Couple of alphas here encouraging you to take charge.

It works.

We both know from experience!:smile2:


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## Spicy

I am excited for you and the bright future you can have.


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## Mr.Married

If you so much as consider reconciliation (because he goes to counseling) you will do nothing more than find yourself back on this forum for help in due time.

DO NOT DO IT.

It is awesome when you see people pick themselves up off the floor so quickly and take their power back ..... good for you.


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## sokillme

Kaiity said:


> Its not just a matter of my weight and letting myself go, though im sure that contributed to him seeking romance elsewhere. But Its a matter that this marriage maybe wasn't worth it to begin with anyway.


His cheating is not your fault in any way, honorable men don't treat people they love like that. Even if he didn't love you like a wife anymore he could and should have treated you with respect and dignity like someone he once did love. What does it say about his feelings for himself that he would treat the mother of his children that way. He demeans himself by his own actions. 

Which is why you are better off without him. 

I am truly sorry for your situation. Please do yourself a favor though, use this to figure out how you let yourself get so depressed that you stopped caring. You will have a much better life if you strive to be your best. Again don't feel responsible for his cheating, but do investigate what happened because you don't want it to happen again. You have a long life ahead of you. And eventually you will want to meet someone else. Being the best you can be will help your chances and give you more options. 

Hang in there.


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## anonfrank

I’ve only read the original post so far. From what you are saying, there’s nothing to reconcile. He’s already found someone else and told you he has. He’s told you how he feels. It’s over and you need to divorce him, take your child, and move back to the U.S. unless you have a job in Australia you really enjoy. You need to take care of yourself because this guy isn’t going to.


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## turnera

I agree that it's over - as well as the fact that he's a spoiled selfish child who lets his wife support the family and therefore not worth the effort.

That said, I DO want to point out one thing: Men are visual and sexual creatures. Their top emotional need is sex. Another is an attractive wife; yes, it sucks, but that's how men role. So moving forward, you need to be aware that men will place a high need on looks, attention, admiration, and sex.

If you want to learn more about what a healthy marriage looks like, get His Needs Her Needs by Harley. It explains it all.


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## Kaiity

My husband and i talked. We cleared some things up.. he didnt technically cheat on me. He only started dating this person when i said we could see other people.

We are going to separate and spend some time apart. He says he isnt going anywhere though and he will still be around to help me get on my feet. We will still do small things on occasion like vet visits for our reptiles etc

We had an amenable discussion and he told me how he truly felt. That he had a mantra in his head "my happiness doesnt matter. Only my wife and child happiness matters," despite that he was unhappy with my weight and lack of self care. Of course i told him this isnt true, and i wish he would have really told me that this is how he felt. He said he didnt want to because i had enough on my plate with work and stuff that he didnt want to burden me with his feelings or needs.

Its a lot about my weight and attraction, but also about respect. I didnt give it and he bottled it up until he couldnt. He even agreed that it wasnt that there was no love, but there was just no attraction once i let myself go.

We are going to get some oxygen. Outside of my pain and desperate hurting, i know i need to learn how to take care of myself and not rely on my husband while i live like a kid. I need to grow from this and become my own person.

We both agreed that our problems are fixable and we agreed that we can try again after some time but for now for both of our sake, we need to spend some time apart. I will be moving out and he will go live with his parents while he works off the debts.

Ill also be leaving my job, with the assistance of a colleague of mine who is going elsewhere. Once i can confirm a new place to work. My work has been an incredibly toxic influence in my life. Theres a reason why i got this way and my husband and i had become so stagnaged that if this didnt happen, nothing would have ever changed and we would have continued to be unhappy.

I definitely want to try again in the future but only time will tell. For now i need to just learn how to be myself again and reinvent. I appreciate everyones input here.. im feeling very alone and scared, but after some time im hoping i can truly heal and find myself again.


----------



## Andy1001

Kaiity said:


> My husband and i talked. We cleared some things up.. he didnt technically cheat on me. He only started dating this person when i said we could see other people.
> 
> We are going to separate and spend some time apart. He says he isnt going anywhere though and he will still be around to help me get on my feet. We will still do small things on occasion like vet visits for our reptiles etc
> 
> We had an amenable discussion and he told me how he truly felt. That he had a mantra in his head "my happiness doesnt matter. Only my wife and child happiness matters," despite that he was unhappy with my weight and lack of self care. Of course i told him this isnt true, and i wish he would have really told me that this is how he felt. He said he didnt want to because i had enough on my plate with work and stuff that he didnt want to burden me with his feelings or needs.
> 
> Its a lot about my weight and attraction, but also about respect. I didnt give it and he bottled it up until he couldnt. He even agreed that it wasnt that there was no love, but there was just no attraction once i let myself go.
> 
> We are going to get some oxygen. Outside of my pain and desperate hurting, i know i need to learn how to take care of myself and not rely on my husband while i live like a kid. I need to grow from this and become my own person.
> 
> We both agreed that our problems are fixable and we agreed that we can try again after some time but for now for both of our sake, we need to spend some time apart. I will be moving out and he will go live with his parents while he works off the debts.
> 
> Ill also be leaving my job, with the assistance of a colleague of mine who is going elsewhere. Once i can confirm a new place to work. My work has been an incredibly toxic influence in my life. Theres a reason why i got this way and my husband and i had become so stagnaged that if this didnt happen, nothing would have ever changed and we would have continued to be unhappy.
> 
> I definitely want to try again in the future but only time will tell. For now i need to just learn how to be myself again and reinvent. I appreciate everyones input here.. im feeling very alone and scared, but after some time im hoping i can truly heal and find myself again.


Kaiity a happy marriage isn’t decided on “technicalities”. It isn’t a court setting where a technicality allows the guilty party to walk free. 
Your husband is gaslighting you and you are clinging desperately to any hopes that he isn’t cheating. If he isn’t physically cheating it’s because his other woman doesn’t allow it. Yet.
I wish you all the luck in the world.Please use this time to work on yourself,not just physically but also work on your self esteem issues because at the moment it’s in the gutter.


----------



## Mr.Married

Kaiity said:


> My husband and i talked. We cleared some things up.. he didnt technically cheat on me. He only started dating this person when i said we could see other people.
> 
> We are going to separate and spend some time apart. He says he isnt going anywhere though and he will still be around to help me get on my feet. We will still do small things on occasion like vet visits for our reptiles etc
> 
> We had an amenable discussion and he told me how he truly felt. That he had a mantra in his head "my happiness doesnt matter. Only my wife and child happiness matters," despite that he was unhappy with my weight and lack of self care. Of course i told him this isnt true, and i wish he would have really told me that this is how he felt. He said he didnt want to because i had enough on my plate with work and stuff that he didnt want to burden me with his feelings or needs.
> 
> Its a lot about my weight and attraction, but also about respect. I didnt give it and he bottled it up until he couldnt. He even agreed that it wasnt that there was no love, but there was just no attraction once i let myself go.
> 
> We are going to get some oxygen. Outside of my pain and desperate hurting, i know i need to learn how to take care of myself and not rely on my husband while i live like a kid. I need to grow from this and become my own person.
> 
> We both agreed that our problems are fixable and we agreed that we can try again after some time but for now for both of our sake, we need to spend some time apart. I will be moving out and he will go live with his parents while he works off the debts.
> 
> Ill also be leaving my job, with the assistance of a colleague of mine who is going elsewhere. Once i can confirm a new place to work. My work has been an incredibly toxic influence in my life. Theres a reason why i got this way and my husband and i had become so stagnaged that if this didnt happen, nothing would have ever changed and we would have continued to be unhappy.
> 
> I definitely want to try again in the future but only time will tell. For now i need to just learn how to be myself again and reinvent. I appreciate everyones input here.. im feeling very alone and scared, but after some time im hoping i can truly heal and find myself again.



Well .... obviously I spoke too soon.


----------



## turnera

Wait. This guy who hasn't held a steady job since you got married and allowed you to work a job you hated so he could have money...doesn't feel respected by YOU? What were you supposed to respect him for? Not ditching his child?


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## frusdil

Huh? He doesn't feel respected by you??? The one who bummed around since the day he got married while you worked your butt off??? What??

He's still blaming it all on you Kaity - your weight gain, your lack of self care, your lack of respect. He better be damn perfect then hadn't he?

Honey nothing has changed. I hope so so much that this time apart will show you what he really is and you'll divorce his sorry butt.


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## Kaiity

I understand.. i know that everyone sees this as him packing up and running away and i see it that way too to an extent.

Nothing has changed in the sense that we will separate and i will carry on on my own. I cannot change his mind or bring him back at this point and im coming to accept it. He doesnt love me. If he did he wouldn't be putting me through this.

Only time will tell. Me being on my own may help me to move on im hoping and that eventually things may fall into place.


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## turnera

Have you noticed that everything that's happened has been what HE wanted? He reminds me of my mentally abusive EX-fiance (I left him), who told me once that I wasn't 'mature' enough for him, and he was going to 'give' me one year to prove to him that I could be good enough. Stupid me was begging him for that one-year chance. A year later, after I discovered that he'd been cheating on me the whole time we were together, smart me told him to take a hike, I could do better. INSTANTLY, he was teary-eyed and would do anything for me, couldn't live without me...

Notice how things change when you aren't just going by their rules, their decisions?


----------



## Talker67

what sort of crash course program are you on to lose the 122 extra pounds?
Are you working out in a gym 2 hours a day and 6 days a week?
that is the type of effort you need to be doing to change his mind.....

From a man's point of view...he thinks you disrespected the marriage by gaining the weight, wearing dumpy clothes, and not being sexy for him. You did this for years. So it will probably take years of effort to change his mind about you.


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## lucy999

Must be nice to go back to mommy and daddy's house so he can be taken care of (like you took care of him) while you are left to fend for yourself and your daughter.

Make yourself a promise now. If you decide to take him back (and I hope you don't) make it a condition that he has to be gainfully employed AT THE SAME JOB and lived on his own with no help from mommy and daddy for at least a year. 

He is immature and entitled. You don't need that liability around your neck. You have real business to attend to: your child.

PS-your husband is lying about cheating. Who tells someone I love you before they've had sex??!!


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## MattMatt

You need to fix you before all else.

Then you can decide what to do next and with the rest of your life.


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## Kaiity

Talker67 said:


> what sort of crash course program are you on to lose the 122 extra pounds?
> Are you working out in a gym 2 hours a day and 6 days a week?
> that is the type of effort you need to be doing to change his mind.....
> 
> From a man's point of view...he thinks you disrespected the marriage by gaining the weight, wearing dumpy clothes, and not being sexy for him. You did this for years. So it will probably take years of effort to change his mind about you.


Ive lost a lot of weight before, it does not take two years of 6days a week/2hrs a day exercise to do. It wont take years to resolve the weight, maybe one- one 1/2 year. Ive lost more than 10kg already and its been a relatively short time, im still losing approx 1-2kg a week which is a healthy and reasonable weight loss. I look quite different already. 

But i agree, not looking after myself is a big part of the issue, but its a symptom of a bigger problem. Im not with complete guilt here. The reason i let myself go deep down is because i felt lonely in my marriage and life. The collapse is on both of us, and i realize that now. 

He did not feel comfortable to tell me his feelings because he was trying to protect mine and worried of how i would react. He assumed he just had to deal with my symptoms and accept it as something out of his control (to a degree it is, but to some degree there were things he could have done too). Ive reassured him now that relationships dont work that way and hes allowed to feel dissatisfied with something if its really how he feels, and he needs to tell me in the future.

As for my weight, im working on it for myself regardless. Im actually a very attractive woman when i try, but i also felt disrespected and it put me into depression and escapism, emotional eating etc. I know attraction is physical to some degree but in marriage theres so much more to it. 

If only i could just blame it on weight. That would be too easy. Thankfully i now see the cause of my problems, so whether or not my marriage does work out, i can still recover for myself.


----------



## Kaiity

MattMatt said:


> You need to fix you before all else.
> 
> Then you can decide what to do next and with the rest of your life.


This is the answer i have come to as well. Thank you so much for affirming it.


----------



## Kaiity

Those of you who are thinking about the hardship of my weight and letting myself go, from my weight now i need to lose about 66 more pounds to be around my ideal. Its not as daunting as it may seem and i can definitely do most of it before the year is over. For now this is my focus, then when im at a better place ill decide what i can do from there.

I also got a new job thats got an amazing growth opportunity and it will give me a fresh start. Im very excited for this, as my previous environment was quite toxic and it contributed to my low self esteem for years.

Originally my husband wanted me to move out but this has changed. He admits hes comfortable at home now and our environment is safe and stable for our daughter. He said himself we dont need to necessarily move out. I believe he may be vasilating. So i will continue to work hard on myself and let him do what he feels he needs to for the time being.

The man im longing for to walk through the door and cuddle me or reassure me doesnt exist right now and ive made peace with it. He is still a good guy doing a dumb, bad thing- an outcome of a situation that became too much for him to handle. He has some growing of his own to do. I can see that now. Im willing to give him space to do so.

Ive expressed to him im not interested in continuing our relationship either until im certain hes ready and willing to go to all stops to make it work, and that i feel actually loved by him again.

We are still friends. We still talk and joke and are thinking of taking up some small hobbies together. Just going to take things day by day and see how it goes. 

Ive also been talking to someone new who is interested in me as well, but its not something im partcularly ready for right now while im still working to resolve my own issues ahah.. new friends are nice to always have though.


Thank you everyone for your input. Ill keep dropping in with updates


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## MattMatt

Good luck with the weight loss! It's possible to do it. 

I managed, over ten years, to lose about 106 pounds in weight. 

It feels much better, too!


----------



## aine

Kaiity said:


> Those of you who are thinking about the hardship of my weight and letting myself go, from my weight now i need to lose about 66 more pounds to be around my ideal. Its not as daunting as it may seem and i can definitely do most of it before the year is over. For now this is my focus, then when im at a better place ill decide what i can do from there.
> 
> I also got a new job thats got an amazing growth opportunity and it will give me a fresh start. Im very excited for this, as my previous environment was quite toxic and it contributed to my low self esteem for years.
> 
> Originally my husband wanted me to move out but this has changed. He admits hes comfortable at home now and our environment is safe and stable for our daughter. He said himself we dont need to necessarily move out. I believe he may be vasilating. So i will continue to work hard on myself and let him do what he feels he needs to for the time being.
> 
> The man im longing for to walk through the door and cuddle me or reassure me doesnt exist right now and ive made peace with it. He is still a good guy doing a dumb, bad thing- an outcome of a situation that became too much for him to handle. He has some growing of his own to do. I can see that now. Im willing to give him space to do so.
> 
> Ive expressed to him im not interested in continuing our relationship either until im certain hes ready and willing to go to all stops to make it work, and that i feel actually loved by him again.
> 
> We are still friends. We still talk and joke and are thinking of taking up some small hobbies together. Just going to take things day by day and see how it goes.
> 
> Ive also been talking to someone new who is interested in me as well, but its not something im partcularly ready for right now while im still working to resolve my own issues ahah.. new friends are nice to always have though.
> 
> 
> Thank you everyone for your input. Ill keep dropping in with updates


So you get to be Plan B or his ‘friend’ while your H ‘dates’ other women, I cannot see how on God’s green earth this will do anything for your self-esteem? 
Ask him to leave, he was the one who wanted the break, give it to him. Work on yourself, lose the weight, file for divorce and date other guys. Your POS H doesn’t deserve you, his character is totally questionable.


----------



## Kaiity

aine said:


> So you get to be Plan B or his ‘friend’ while your H ‘dates’ other women, I cannot see how on God’s green earth this will do anything for your self-esteem?
> Ask him to leave, he was the one who wanted the break, give it to him. Work on yourself, lose the weight, file for divorce and date other guys. Your POS H doesn’t deserve you, his character is totally questionable.


i suppose its because .. him dating someone else has not affected my self esteem. From what i understand about this person, as he even admitted himself, she just reminds him of what 'we used to have.' From evidence i've gathered so far, she picked up and came here to sydney from melbourne (its pretty far) and is staying somewhere nearby to be closer to him. She doesn't even have a suitable major or profession to support her, shes just a 'graphics art uni student'. I'm a nursing care manager and i make above-average middle-class income. There is just so much wrong with his affair that even when you discount my feelings, even if i picked up and left for good, or even if i were something absurd like 500lbs and 90 years old (which good god im not, i weigh about 213 lbs currently and im only 30 years old, i think im a reasonably attractive person when i look after myself); it still wouldn't look particularly favourable for their sake for the long term. He is swimming in debt and his job is mediocre, he makes half as much as i do. Their affair is childish and simply just not long-term viable.

Regardless of ALL of this, he has done nothing to improve himself, or change his perspective- and that worries me. I've come to learn that part of the reason i became as reclusive as i did, put on weight and took on poor habits and computer time is because i seeked comfort in these ways where he was not providing them as a partner. He would be 'too tired' or if i tried to talk or do something he would say 'not right now' sort of thing. I think a lot of this does partially stem from physical attraction, but even when he was physically attracted to me, he just wanted to have sex.. then sleep... he made me feel loved in his interactions, but he blames me now for not doing anything or being 'connected' but he does nothing to foster his end or open up to me, or put in any work himself... which has lead me to disconnect in return.

i just don't see him being successful in ANY relationship if he continues to behave this way. As for me, i stayed and put up with it because i have to. I moved to australia and have a daughter and life here. I still love him tremendously honestly, but this has been a wakeup call for me that we both need to change no matter the outcome of this. 

While i dont like hes dating someone else (and ive said this and made it very clear to him); it does not intimidate me. Because i really do not feel threatened by it, or the other woman. What i do feel threatened by is HIS issues, his maturity level, and his WILLPOWER to make this committed thing work between us. That willpower doesn't exist right now, and really truly, im simply worried it never will, and im seeking something in a man that has no capacity to give it.

But this is a process, so for now it will be pushed to the backburner and i will simply improve myself and learn to become independent. I've already changed so much in the last two months, if anything i think i did need for something like this to happen- for my health and emotional wellbeing sake in the long-term. a 'shock' to the system, if you will, to kick my ass into gear and look after myself.


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## 3Xnocharm

Sooo, you’re just going to sit there in place and wait for him to eventually pick you?? He doesn’t respect or love you. If he wanted you he wouldn’t be with her. Show yourself that respect and love and start the process to get out of this. You are leaving your future in the hands of someone else, why? Take control of your own life. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera

Explain the attraction. Your last post was 100% negative on his side. No redeeming values and, beyond that, active PAIN being caused to you on his part. Yet you stay?


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## *Deidre*

I think that it's common for many people to confuse infatuation/lust (''sparks flying'' as you put it when you first started dating) with love. Once the sparks stop flying, then the relationship starts to descend into another dimension. You both are responsible for what happened, but unfortunately, he doesn't sound like he was willing to work on things, and found someone else to escape into. Counseling could really help you both, I haven't read through the thread, not sure if this was mentioned.

Normally, I'd say cut and run if an emotional/physical affair starts up, but in this case, it seems like you both messed up, and if he hasn't become physical, and is interested in working on the marriage with you, then it could work. 

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## *Deidre*

I just read the last few posts, so he is dating? You can't really ''date'' and be married. I hope you choose you. Maybe ignore my previous advice.


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## Kaiity

I have been decided not to 'wait' for him. Moreover, im waiting for myself. Im saving money and trying to improve myself physically and emotionally before i make a decision on picking up and going.. Because right now i am not ready to just walk away from my life with no regrets. I need to get to that point before making any drastic decisions.

Yes hes involved with someone else and yes its scummy. We are technically on break with dating allowed, so who knows; i may opt to leave and date too; but im in a bad sort right now and i know myself im not ready to love someone else currently, without learning to love life and love myself. That goes for if i date my husband again.. or anyone else. I can know how to be a better partner regardless of the relationship im in.


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## turnera

What - specifically - are you doing for him in your role as wife?

Are you cooking dinners? Why?
Are you washing his clothes? Why?
Are you the one cleaning the house? Why?
Please tell me you aren't having sex with him.

These are the actions a marital partner does. Not a roommate.


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## Kaiity

turnera said:


> What - specifically - are you doing for him in your role as wife?
> 
> Are you cooking dinners? Why?
> Are you washing his clothes? Why?
> Are you the one cleaning the house? Why?
> Please tell me you aren't having sex with him.
> 
> These are the actions a marital partner does. Not a roommate.


We are not having sex for certain. Our bedrooms are separate. I wash clothes and clean. He cooks sometimes (though im on lite n easy and im down another 2 lbs as of today-- 211!!)

We do not behave like maritial partners currently for the most part (we might see eachother naked out of habit but thats the extent)

Living in the house is safest and best for me and my daughter currently. Hes not often home anyway so its no different if i move out. For now i fix myself and see where each day takes me. Maybe one day he will come around, maybe not. For now im trying not to focus on him and just focus on me.. im talking to someone else on a friendly level right now who even seems in many ways to carry better traits as a potential partner... but im just not ready yet to make any decisions. Not until im im a better place myself.


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## Bibi1031

Getting involved with someone else at this time only complicated your life more. You went from the frying pan straight to the fire so to speak. 

You don't need any man to claim your worth. A good therapist will guide you to knowing how to find your worth solely on yourself. Getting involved with another male is simply a bandaid similar to how eating crap got you over weight. 

Get professional help instead of band-aids!


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## Kaiity

Bibi1031 said:


> Getting involved with someone else at this time only complicated your life more. You went from the frying pan straight to the fire so to speak.
> 
> You don't need any man to claim your worth. A good therapist will guide you to knowing how to find your worth solely on yourself. Getting involved with another male is simply a bandaid similar to how eating crap got you over weight.
> 
> Get professional help instead of band-aids!


I wholly agree, im not opting to date someone else during this confusion. But he does listen to me and he seems to care about my situation, so that does feel nice.. but i know dating isnt on the table for me currently. We are just friends for now.

Im staying at home because why should i have to move out or uproot my living situation. Im comfortable at my house. If i move out ill have to pay more for a smaller place while he gets to live with mum and dad and pay *nothing*. Forget that!! (sydney is expensive as heck) and i also dont trust him to look after our pets properly (i love our pets so yes, its been me doing the work- hes hopeless except maybe feeding once or twice a week)

I can just stay in my nice apartment with my daughter and ignore him while i focus my priorities:

1. Lose weight
2. Save money (while spending some reasonably over time to buy new clothes, fix my hair, makeup; things my husband used to discourage because 'you're fat anyway what good will it do")
3. Get a solid footing in my new job
4. Learn how to live well and look after my house better (whether hes there or not, i can just pretend it is my house only)
5. Spend lots of time with my daughter and try to keep this transition as gentle to her as possible, regardless of the outcome

Am i really waiting around for him? Part of me sortof is, but most of me just wants to focus on healing and getting stronger everyday. And that is whats happening, i can only do my best


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## Casual Observer

Kaiity said:


> I wholly agree, im not opting to date someone else during this confusion. But he does listen to me and he seems to care about my situation, so that does feel nice.. but i know dating isnt on the table for me currently. We are just friends for now.
> 
> Im staying at home because why should i have to move out or uproot my living situation. Im comfortable at my house. If i move out ill have to pay more for a smaller place while he gets to live with mum and dad and pay *nothing*. Forget that!! (sydney is expensive as heck) and i also dont trust him to look after our pets properly (i love our pets so yes, its been me doing the work- hes hopeless except maybe feeding once or twice a week)
> 
> I can just stay in my nice apartment with my daughter and ignore him while i focus my priorities:
> 
> 1. Lose weight
> 2. Save money (while spending some reasonably over time to buy new clothes, fix my hair, makeup; things my husband used to discourage because 'you're fat anyway what good will it do")
> 3. Get a solid footing in my new job
> 4. Learn how to live well and look after my house better (whether hes there or not, i can just pretend it is my house only)
> 5. Spend lots of time with my daughter and try to keep this transition as gentle to her as possible, regardless of the outcome
> 
> Am i really waiting around for him? Part of me sortof is, but most of me just wants to focus on healing and getting stronger everyday. And that is whats happening, i can only do my best


Wouldn't it make more sense to get a divorce, kick him out, and if, a couple years down the road, you accomplish your goals and for some reason it makes sense to you to forget about the way he tossed you aside and started "dating" other women and you want to try again, you can do so? Because right now you're letting him hold all the cards. He's getting everything he wants, and you're getting nothing.

It's my belief that, two years down the road, you'll find someone a whole lot better than this guy. But that won't happen if you let things happen as you currently plan. Let. Him. Go.


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## sokillme

@Kaiity I don't think your problem is weight, or your husband, I think your problem is self-esteem. It's why you allowed yourself to gain so much weight and also why you are allowing your husband to treat you so poorly. 

Please get some counseling. Weight or not no one should be treated this way.



> Im staying at home because why should i have to move out or uproot my living situation. Im comfortable at my house. If i move out ill have to pay more for a smaller place while he gets to live with mum and dad and pay *nothing*. Forget that!! (sydney is expensive as heck) and i also dont trust him to look after our pets properly (i love our pets so yes, its been me doing the work- hes hopeless except maybe feeding once or twice a week)


At least stop cooking and cleaning for him!


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## pastasauce79

Oh Gosh, I couldn't do it! I'd rather eat a live roach than living "separated lives" at the same house with my husband and him dating someone else... I've been mostly a SAHM for about 10 years now, but believe me, if my husband ever tells me such crap "maybe in the future we can get back together, blah, blah," I'd pack my bags and go live under a bridge rather than keep living with someone who thinks I'm plan B, C, or D. No way, Jose! Maybe my pride is to high, but there's no way I could do what you are doing. 

It's great that you're working on yourself. Hopefully, soon you'll see that you deserve someone better. You deserve someone that is proud of being by your side. You deserve someone that likes to spend time with you, and enjoys seeing you happy. No one is perfect. Every marriage goes through ups and downs, but when you are really committed, you work hard at making things better, not worse, and definitely without having a girlfriend in the mix.

Don't allow him to disrespect you. Imagine your daughter is going through the same situation, what would you tell her? 

I wish you the best! I really wish for you to regain your backbone and your pride. Good luck!!!


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## aine

Kaiity said:


> i suppose its because .. him dating someone else has not affected my self esteem. From what i understand about this person, as he even admitted himself, she just reminds him of what 'we used to have.' From evidence i've gathered so far, she picked up and came here to sydney from melbourne (its pretty far) and is staying somewhere nearby to be closer to him. She doesn't even have a suitable major or profession to support her, shes just a 'graphics art uni student'. I'm a nursing care manager and i make above-average middle-class income. There is just so much wrong with his affair that even when you discount my feelings, even if i picked up and left for good, or even if i were something absurd like 500lbs and 90 years old (which good god im not, i weigh about 213 lbs currently and im only 30 years old, i think im a reasonably attractive person when i look after myself); it still wouldn't look particularly favourable for their sake for the long term. He is swimming in debt and his job is mediocre, he makes half as much as i do. Their affair is childish and simply just not long-term viable.
> 
> Regardless of ALL of this, he has done nothing to improve himself, or change his perspective- and that worries me. I've come to learn that part of the reason i became as reclusive as i did, put on weight and took on poor habits and computer time is because i seeked comfort in these ways where he was not providing them as a partner. He would be 'too tired' or if i tried to talk or do something he would say 'not right now' sort of thing. I think a lot of this does partially stem from physical attraction, but even when he was physically attracted to me, he just wanted to have sex.. then sleep... he made me feel loved in his interactions, but he blames me now for not doing anything or being 'connected' but he does nothing to foster his end or open up to me, or put in any work himself... which has lead me to disconnect in return.
> 
> i just don't see him being successful in ANY relationship if he continues to behave this way. As for me, i stayed and put up with it because i have to. I moved to australia and have a daughter and life here. I still love him tremendously honestly, but this has been a wakeup call for me that we both need to change no matter the outcome of this.
> 
> While i dont like hes dating someone else (and ive said this and made it very clear to him); it does not intimidate me. Because i really do not feel threatened by it, or the other woman. What i do feel threatened by is HIS issues, his maturity level, and his WILLPOWER to make this committed thing work between us. That willpower doesn't exist right now, and really truly, im simply worried it never will, and im seeking something in a man that has no capacity to give it.
> 
> But this is a process, so for now it will be pushed to the backburner and i will simply improve myself and learn to become independent. I've already changed so much in the last two months, if anything i think i did need for something like this to happen- for my health and emotional wellbeing sake in the long-term. a 'shock' to the system, if you will, to kick my ass into gear and look after myself.


I am sorry but yout POS WH is not worthy of you. Work on yourself, get a counselor, lose the weight, do what you want to do, do NOT wait for him, he is not worth it. Learn to co parent with him and start dating when you are ready, he is nothing but a loser., you are too good for him.


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## aine

Kaiity said:


> I have been decided not to 'wait' for him. Moreover, im waiting for myself. Im saving money and trying to improve myself physically and emotionally before i make a decision on picking up and going.. Because right now i am not ready to just walk away from my life with no regrets. I need to get to that point before making any drastic decisions.
> 
> Yes hes involved with someone else and yes its scummy. We are technically on break with dating allowed, so who knows; i may opt to leave and date too; but im in a bad sort right now and i know myself im not ready to love someone else currently, without learning to love life and love myself. That goes for if i date my husband again.. or anyone else. I can know how to be a better partner regardless of the relationship im in.


Kaitty, you can still date, dont have to love them. I would give him some of his own medicine. He deserves to know what it is like to simply have you date others. This is really really messed up.


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## Kaiity

aine said:


> Kaiity said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have been decided not to 'wait' for him. Moreover, im waiting for myself. Im saving money and trying to improve myself physically and emotionally before i make a decision on picking up and going.. Because right now i am not ready to just walk away from my life with no regrets. I need to get to that point before making any drastic decisions.
> 
> Yes hes involved with someone else and yes its scummy. We are technically on break with dating allowed, so who knows; i may opt to leave and date too; but im in a bad sort right now and i know myself im not ready to love someone else currently, without learning to love life and love myself. That goes for if i date my husband again.. or anyone else. I can know how to be a better partner regardless of the relationship im in.
> 
> 
> 
> Kaitty, you can still date, dont have to love them. I would give him some of his own medicine. He deserves to know what it is like to simply have you date others. This is really really messed up.
Click to expand...

While i appreciate your kind words tremendously, i dont want to date someone for the purpose of "getting back" at my husband- i just feel its unfair to the other person. If i date someone, uts because id be ready to open my heart again! Right now i just need to deal with my "dirty laundry" and find happiness by myself.

On the update side:
My father in law has changed his perspective, he told my mum in law that isnt going to push or do anything to encourage my husband anymore... I felt like he was an influence for awhile, so if that has actually changed... that only weakens my husbands case. I think hes reflected and has also realized that this situation is really idiotic. From an old traditional asian parents perspective - why would you ever leave someone with a good career for someone who has nothing.

My mother in law is still supportive of me regardless if i choose to stay or go, which has been amazing. I love her so tremendously. We talked yesterday and she told me my husband keeps bumming her for money. She also suspects his girlfriend thinks he can provide for her when in reality, he cant. She thinks it wont last long.

I however, booked a tour for an apartment in the nearby suburb on Saturday, and im going to go check it out. I explained to my mother in law that regardleds of the circumstance of the other person, he needs to fix his issues. Hes done nothing to do that. Until i see change from him theres just no use in it. I have the suppport of my inlaws and i have my daughter, thats good enough for me either way.

Gonna check the apartment and focus on my goals for now. Yes im definitely seeing that my husband is behaving like a loser.. and the more i see how things are each day, the more i can still hear my stepmoms words in my head "he may come back and you will find he wasnt that great to begin with" -- i dont feel as hung up over this like i did before, and im actually kindof... thinking about the future now in a different way. 

Maybe there is some adventure waiting for me!!


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## Andy1001

Think about this Kaitty. What would you be getting back when (not if) he returns. 
A loser. He has no career,lives with his parents and still goes to Mommy for pocket money to spend on his girlfriend. 
Now why would you want that?


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## frusdil

Andy1001 said:


> Think about this Kaitty. What would you be getting back when (not if) he returns.
> A loser. He has no career,lives with his parents and still goes to Mommy for pocket money to spend on his girlfriend.
> Now why would you want that?


^^So much this!!

Who the heck are you turning down to accept this?


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## Kaiity

Just a small update:

Im down 14kgs since ive made this post which im feeling incredible about! The weight is coming off steadily and actually pretty easily.. it wont be long before im normal and healthy again (my clothes are all a lot looser, its been quite some hard work but its paying off!!)

I toured the apartment on Saturday its not great, its very small- but its good for my current situation. I talked to my husband about it, and we had a difficult talk.

He hasn't taken a lot of notice of what ive done so far (well, he has- hes proud of me but it hasnt changed his mind). He still feels the same, he wants out. He says he cannot afford the cost of living with me anymore and hes not comfortable living with me while dating someone else. He also says he doesnt think he sees us getting back together (but of course, thats the only thing to say when youre in a relationship with someone else...)

My assumptions were correct about his gf. She moved down here, has a job (nowhere near as good as mine.) Lives in a tiny flat. This happened way too easily honestly- it only means my original assumptions were correct. He was premeditating another relationship well before we broke up.

Im sad but i forgive him. Im moving forward abd moving on. Im not going to hang on anymore. I applied for the apartment, told my inlaws, and my 7 year old daughter too that "mommy and daddy wont be living together anymore, we need to be apart for awhile" She asked how many days apart, i said "i dont know baby, it could be forever."

She cried a bit; i told her it was okay to be sad, i am sad too. But we have to do it.. then i told her the story about how my parents broke apart, and how good things happened after. I said i might even consider getting a puppy which is a dream of hers, to have a dog.

Im talking to someone else right now, he lives in melbourne. We have an insane lot in common, but im afraid to jump into anything too soon. Still, we talked a lot on the phone, i ended up falling asleep in bed while on call with him.. he told me he found my snoring to be really cute aaaa

My life is taking a complete full change. New job, new home, new everything. Im scared a little but i think i needed this change and hardship to happen or i would have been stuck detatched, depressed, and dysfunctional. As days go on i see it more and more. My husband and i will still be friends, but i no longer have or hold any expectation that we will be in a relationship again- and really.. im kinda fine with that. 

Time for change is now!


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## turnera

Good progress.


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## 3Xnocharm

Congrats on the weight loss, and on finally feeling that you can move forward!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Good job moving forward!

Remember, all your planning and activities must be, has to be focused on what's best for you and your future without regard for any input from deadbeat H.

His approval, disapproval or comments are nothing you should be shooting for, eliciting, or responding to.

Stay away from any trying to get him to notice you or how you're doing. 

You must be thinking only of yourself and daughter, st this point. 

Tragically your H has destroyed your M. Keep bearing in mind that ship has sailed. 

And you're building your future. That's exciting!

At some point H may try to wiggle back into your life. Don't let him. Be prepared for when he makes some poor attempt to still get something from you.


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## Openminded

Be careful not to quickly jump into another relationship. Give yourself time to adjust to being alone.


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## turnera

Exactly. If you can't be happy being by yourself, you can't be happy being with anyone else; you will just expect them to GIVE you happiness. And you know how that ends.


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## maree

Any update? Did you move out?

You are way too good for your husband, and you can’t make someone love you. I would start the divorce proceedings and move on.

If in the future your husband comes to his senses and you feel it in your heart you can make it work out, you can reconcile (but I am gonna add a caveat that history repeats itself). I am going to add as well that I think your husband had planned this out to have an active affair, otherwise he would have put your marriage first and canceled plans to attend therapy with you. He not only hurt you but also your daughter - so he does not deserve you!!

You deserve to be happy and I think you will feel a lot more happiness and less burden when you are freed from your husband mooching off you.


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