# How have you dealt with not loving your partner?



## Bianca33 (Sep 24, 2021)

Dear all, has anyone of you ended up with the strong awareness that you don´t love your husband? I will give some explanation.
I married my husband who was my best friend at the time, after a 9years troubled relationship. Back then, I thought I loved him but through years of therapy and discussions, I have come to the realization that although he is my best friend, I married him because I really needed safety and stability. While being best friends is very important in a marriage, I believe that also feeling strongly emotionally connected is. For me, these are the two basic components of a long-term relationship. I can see that I seek to find someone to love. I want to love deeply and give what I can give and I am unable to give my husband cause simply there´s a lack of feeling. I never cheated as such but it happened once that I let someone in very deeply. It destroyed me because it could not continue and develop into something more. I am often reminded of this lack of love that I feel (he loves me dearly and our relationship is good..but I just don´t love him the way I want to love my life partner). We have kids. We have put everything in common. He is the one with a stable job. We don´t live in our home country. I am scared of being alone. 
I cannot make a decision. Our kids are little and..I just don´t feel that I am there yet. This has been a long process of becoming self-aware and things have become so crystal clear only these days. I don´t feel at all ready for such a decision about separation or divorce. At the same time, I know that I would like to give myself the chance to love again (I only ever loved my ex boyfriend which break-up took me 7 years to get at peace with) and as long as I stay married it won´t really be possible. I don´t want to be fake and I want to give as much as I can give to my partner. 

If anyone can share their experience, emotions, feelings..I´d be so very glad. Thank you so much in advance.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let's be honest Bianca, you are there, you have already crossed the line to a degree so you are there, internally you have made your decision, you can't speak the words you have and then play the denial card of confusion, to thy own self be true...you may love him as a friend but not as a husband so why prolong this charade, for the kids? no the children will not keep your feelings bottled up, nor your longing to seek love, and i don't certainly see you playing the role of a martyr either, not to be disrespectful, your feelings are real and honest at least to us, your reader...but towards your husband are they not a lie? if you bed with him out of obligation or duty then you are robbing him out of the love for someone who could truly make him happy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You must seriously think about the devastation you will cause to him and your small children if you were to destroy the family. 
You clearly like him and are in one sense are close, love sometimes isn't all about feelings but committment and 
keeping the vows you made. 
Personally in your situation I couldn't do that to him or my children. I couldn't wreck their lives for an elusive 'connection' that you may never find again. 

Many here will say that you deserve more, that you need the be happy so you should leave. If you do this you are putting yourself above your family. That's your choice.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Bianca33 said:


> Dear all, has anyone of you ended up with the strong awareness that you don´t love your husband? I will give some explanation.
> I married my husband who was my best friend at the time, after a 9years troubled relationship. Back then, I thought I loved him but through years of therapy and discussions, I have come to the realization that although he is my best friend, I married him because I really needed safety and stability. While being best friends is very important in a marriage, I believe that also feeling strongly emotionally connected is. For me, these are the two basic components of a long-term relationship. I can see that I seek to find someone to love. I want to love deeply and give what I can give and I am unable to give my husband cause simply there´s a lack of feeling. I never cheated as such but it happened once that I let someone in very deeply. It destroyed me because it could not continue and develop into something more. I am often reminded of this lack of love that I feel (he loves me dearly and our relationship is good..but I just don´t love him the way I want to love my life partner). We have kids. We have put everything in common. He is the one with a stable job. We don´t live in our home country. I am scared of being alone.
> I cannot make a decision. Our kids are little and..I just don´t feel that I am there yet. This has been a long process of becoming self-aware and things have become so crystal clear only these days. I don´t feel at all ready for such a decision about separation or divorce. At the same time, I know that I would like to give myself the chance to love again (I only ever loved my ex boyfriend which break-up took me 7 years to get at peace with) and as long as I stay married it won´t really be possible. I don´t want to be fake and I want to give as much as I can give to my partner.
> 
> If anyone can share their experience, emotions, feelings..I´d be so very glad. Thank you so much in advance.


I think you need a new therapist. It sounds like they are filling you up with the idea that the only important thing is what makes you feel good regardless of the cost to other people in your life. They have convinced you that you don't love your husband. Does the therapist know about your emotional affair, and did they condone it? Maybe find one to help you fall back in love with your husband. You had to have felt that love at some point, no? Have they talked to you at all about working on your family in parallel to working on yourself? To make matters worse you are in the fog of falling in love with this other person, even if it wasn't physical, yet. If you have any desire to keep your family together you need to cut off ALL contact with that other person right now, if you haven't already.


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## Bianca33 (Sep 24, 2021)

Thanks for your replies. We have been both in couple's therapy and individual therapy. And I don't think thatbrhe role of a therapist is that of condoning or anything else. The therapist is not a priest but someone who can help us understanding what we feel and eventually want.
Yes, sure I know very well why I married my husband as I am also aware of the family and commitment etc. Otherwise I wouldn't be dwelling on it. 
For the records, I asked for your experiences not to judge mine.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Bianca33 said:


> Thanks for your replies. We have been both in couple's therapy and individual therapy. And I don't think thatbrhe role of a therapist is that of condoning or anything else. The therapist is not a priest but someone who can help us understanding what we feel and eventually want.
> Yes, sure I know very well why I married my husband as I am also aware of the family and commitment etc. Otherwise I wouldn't be dwelling on it.
> For the records, I asked for your experiences not to judge mine.


Sorry if I'm being too judgmental on someone that has already cheated on their husband. Yes, an emotional affair is cheating. Cheaters only think of themselves. I'm especially blown away by cheating when there are children involved. I don't understand how a parent can do that knowing the potential harm it brings to their own children. Not to mention the example it sends when they ultimately find out. 

So the therapist is aware. I know they aren't supposed to condone, prohibit, etc., but I'm sure they voiced some kind of opinion on the situation. What did they have to say about it?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Biancca 33,

Your question goes to the heart of what is "a good marriage." In some cultures all marriages are arranged. In other cultures all marriages are for economic survival. In some marriage is about the social status of children created in that marriage. 

In the past there have been articles about searching for Mr. Right vs. settling for Mr. Good Enough. 

You are asking about what should marriage be. You seem to want it to be an emotional soul-mate match, with love, personal fulfillment, and a partner who helps you emotionally grow. The problem or challenge is that a "good marriage" is not the same as you age or as your situations change. For me, a "good marriage" is one where the two people are each committed to that marriage, will forgive their partner and will put in the hard work to keep the marriage alive.

I have been married over 50 years. The day I married my wife, I was the happiest I have ever been. I have experienced great moments of joy when my wife blessed me with out children. I have experienced great moments of pride, when she helped me achieve things or when I helped her achieve things. I have experienced great moments of anger when she has sexually and emotionally hurt me, when she has publicly humiliated me, etc.

I have learned that we each emotionally grow and change over time. Many times we grow at different rates and that changes to our lives force one of us to change, while the other doesn't change. Those times require us to push/pull each other to a new stage in our relationship and negotiate new mutually acceptable values/roles, etc.

What made us each happy and fulfilled as a single married couple before children was not the same as what roles we each needed to assume as a couple with small children. Similarly, our roles changed when our children became teenagers. when we became "empty nesters," and when we retired. Medical conditions can also change our roles in a relationship.

Good luck. I suggest you think about your commitment to the marriage and your family, put in the hard work to make your marriage work and decide what needs to be done by you to change yourself for the good of you H and children.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Bianca33 said:


> Thanks for your replies. We have been both in couple's therapy and individual therapy. And I don't think thatbrhe role of a therapist is that of condoning or anything else. The therapist is not a priest but someone who can help us understanding what we feel and eventually want.
> Yes, sure I know very well why I married my husband as I am also aware of the family and commitment etc. Otherwise I wouldn't be dwelling on it.
> For the records, I asked for your experiences not to judge mine.


Ok, you want experiences. I didn't love my first wife from the start. I chose not to pull out and had kids with her. Then I chose to marry her. I was a petulant child and resented her for my decisions. I treated her like ****. Eventually I left. It wasn't pretty. She chose to spend the rest of her life with me and I spit on that and her. My children still love me but hated the situation. I gave them a broken home with my selfish decisions. I will say this, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have married her. This was almost 20 years ago, I still have massive guilt over this. I made a commitment and went back on it because of how I felt not because of something she did. She didn't deserve it, more importantly my children didn't deserve it. For what, because of how I feel? I should have put on my big boy pants and honored my word, making good on the partnership I chose to form at least until we were done raising our children.

I won't sit here and say it was a mistake to divorce. I now have a wife whom I love and we have more children that I love. But there is not a day that goes by where I don't feel intense guilt over the piece of **** human being I was. It is a point of contention in my current marriage that my wife can tell I still feel it.

You got married and made a commitment so you could get something out of it. Now that you have children and can take his money, that a commitment is no longer valid. I am not going to tell you what you should do, but I will say this. If you chose not to put on your big girl panties and leave the man you USED for security and break your children's home. Then you are as big of a piece of **** human being as me, worse than me if you can sleep at night.


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## Bianca33 (Sep 24, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Ok, you want experiences. I didn't love my first wife from the start. I chose not to pull out and had kids with her. Then I chose to marry her. I was a petulant child and resented her for my decisions. I treated her like ****. Eventually I left. It wasn't pretty. She chose to spend the rest of her life with me and I spit on that and her. My children still love me but hated the situation. I gave them a broken home with my selfish decisions. I will say this, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have married her. This was almost 20 years ago, I still have massive guilt over this. I made a commitment and went back on it because of how I felt not because of something she did. She didn't deserve it, more importantly my children didn't deserve it. For what, because of how I feel? I should have put on my big boy pants and honored my word, making good on the partnership I chose to form at least until we were done raising our children.
> 
> I won't sit here and say it was a mistake to divorce. I now have a wife whom I love and we have more children that I love. But there is not a day that goes by where I don't feel intense guilt over the piece of **** human being I was. It is a point of contention in my current marriage that my wife can tell I still feel it.
> 
> You got married and made a commitment so you could get something out of it. Now that you have children and can take his money, that a commitment is no longer valid. I am not going to tell you what you should do, but I will say this. If you chose not to put on your big girl panties and leave the man you USED for security and break your children's home. Then you are as big of a piece of **** human being as me, worse than me if you can sleep at night.


Sleep at night definitely not easy.. thanks.for sharing your experience. I don't feel it as intensely as you yet, but similar feelings nonetheless.


uphillbattle said:


> Ok, you want experiences. I didn't love my first wife from the start. I chose not to pull out and had kids with her. Then I chose to marry her. I was a petulant child and resented her for my decisions. I treated her like ****. Eventually I left. It wasn't pretty. She chose to spend the rest of her life with me and I spit on that and her. My children still love me but hated the situation. I gave them a broken home with my selfish decisions. I will say this, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have married her. This was almost 20 years ago, I still have massive guilt over this. I made a commitment and went back on it because of how I felt not because of something she did. She didn't deserve it, more importantly my children didn't deserve it. For what, because of how I feel? I should have put on my big boy pants and honored my word, making good on the partnership I chose to form at least until we were done raising our children.
> 
> I won't sit here and say it was a mistake to divorce. I now have a wife whom I love and we have more children that I love. But there is not a day that goes by where I don't feel intense guilt over the piece of **** human being I was. It is a point of contention in my current marriage that my wife can tell I still feel it.
> 
> You got married and made a commitment so you could get something out of it. Now that you have children and can take his money, that a commitment is no longer valid. I am not going to tell you what you should do, but I will say this. If you chose not to put on your big girl panties and leave the man you USED for security and break your children's home. Then you are as big of a piece of **** human being as me, worse than me if you can sleep at night.





Young at Heart said:


> Dear Biancca 33,
> 
> Your question goes to the heart of what is "a good marriage." In some cultures all marriages are arranged. In other cultures all marriages are for economic survival. In some marriage is about the social status of children created in that marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sgsring your experience. This is exactly how I see marriage. Frankly, I am not looking for what a good marriage is.. I want to know how others have dealt with a lack of feeling and interest for their spouse. I think that most have pulled it through. Some have cheated, some have been cheated on, etc . Your experience is the same as my parents and I regard them as an exemple.
My husband is my bestfriend and I don't want to hurt him. I also know that he can see he is my best friend and if I were to tell him my interest for him ended there, he would suffer a great deal. I haven't told him and I can pull this through. Be the wife I am supposed to be, his partner etc. Inside me, I know I am not giving as much as one who loves can give. It hurts me knowing I am doing this to him but.. I haven't made any decision yet because I also believe in the commitment.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you fear being alone like you say you do, then leaving your marriage could be the biggest mistake of your life. There's certainly no guarantee you will find someone you're totally passionate about. I mean you're a grown woman with a bunch of kids. It's not easy to find any man under those circumstances, much less the perfect one. Even if you find one you're passionate about now, there's a very good chance it will not stay that way because domesticity has a way of robbing people of passion with a bigger dose of reality


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Read Anna Karenina. I’m female. It’s highly recommended for women going through what you’re going through. I’m glad I read it. Madame Bovary’s another one.

Passion works in ways that are destructive too. That chemistry and feel-good stuff also has dark outlets. Fire, jealousy, rage etc. Can you handle the full spectrum? What if the man you feel deeply for, chooses you as the security blanket. But doesn’t feel the same way you do? And you’ve left your husband. Yikes.

I get it, you don’t feel that spark. But here’s an experiment… can you see your partner through the eyes of the girl who makes his coffee on his lunch break? The divorced neighbour that’s been secretly eyeing him off? You see, women think about bedding him. It’s true. How does that feel?

Why not see your husband as potential fire for another woman? And you, divorced and single in another 13 years, because your second marriage fizzled too. You had another two kids with your second. 

Really think about him this way, try it as an experiment. See if that passion CAN take a leap into the future, where the women beside him is you, ripping his jeans off at 40. Or will it be another firey woman?


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## Bianca33 (Sep 24, 2021)

I like the idea of dreaming of another woman rubbing him off. But about the rest ... it's not passion that I seek. It's mere interest in someone's else's things. I have never been interested in many of things.. and I just realized it now. After 7 years. This is not something to revamp it is something that was not there if not because I made myself feeling something due to safety and stability. Safety and stability are indeed a core need for us human beings so I don't disregard them. I am just saying.. I don't find that I married for the most common definition of love in our western and contemporary culture.


uphillbattle said:


> Ok, you want experiences. I didn't love my first wife from the start. I chose not to pull out and had kids with her. Then I chose to marry her. I was a petulant child and resented her for my decisions. I treated her like ****. Eventually I left. It wasn't pretty. She chose to spend the rest of her life with me and I spit on that and her. My children still love me but hated the situation. I gave them a broken home with my selfish decisions. I will say this, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have married her. This was almost 20 years ago, I still have massive guilt over this. I made a commitment and went back on it because of how I felt not because of something she did. She didn't deserve it, more importantly my children didn't deserve it. For what, because of how I feel? I should have put on my big boy pants and honored my word, making good on the partnership I chose to form at least until we were done raising our children.
> 
> I won't sit here and say it was a mistake to divorce. I now have a wife whom I love and we have more children that I love. But there is not a day that goes by where I don't feel intense guilt over the piece of **** human being I was. It is a point of contention in my current marriage that my wife can tell I still feel it.
> 
> You got married and made a commitment so you could get something out of it. Now that you have children and can take his money, that a commitment is no longer valid. I am not going to tell you what you should do, but I will say this. If you chose not to put on your big girl panties and leave the man you USED for security and break your children's home. Then you are as big of a piece of **** human being as me, worse than me if you can sleep at night.


May I ask why you married her in the first place? The first wife... no judgement, I just wish to learn from your experience.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Bianca33 said:


> I like the idea of dreaming of another woman rubbing him off. But about the rest ... it's not passion that I seek. It's mere interest in someone's else's things. I have never been interested in many of things.. and I just realized it now. After 7 years. This is not something to revamp it is something that was not there if not because I made myself feeling something due to safety and stability. Safety and stability are indeed a core need for us human beings so I don't disregard them. I am just saying.. I don't find that I married for the most common definition of love in our western and contemporary culture.
> 
> May I ask why you married her in the first place? The first wife... no judgement, I just wish to learn from your experience.


I married her because we already had 2 kids. No judgement from anyone can matter as harshly as I judge myself.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Bianca33 said:


> I have never been interested in many of things.. and I just realized it now. After 7 years.


The 7 years itch? have you heard about it @Bianca33?



Bianca33 said:


> I don't find that I married for the most common definition of love in our western and contemporary culture.


You need to ask the question, why does millions of arranged marriages last longer than the western ones?
These arranged marriages lasted decades tell the end, love was never a factor when they got married, but they fall in love afterwards!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Kaliber said:


> The 7 years itch? have you heard about it @Bianca33?
> 
> 
> You need to ask the question, why does millions of arranged marriages last longer than the western ones?
> These arranged marriages lasted decades tell the end, love was never a factor when they got married, but they fall in love afterwards!


Arranged marriages do not typically end with the two people falling in love afterwards. They're simply not allowed to divorce because of the culture. Over the years I've only known a handful of women who had to do this and the best I ever heard from one of them afterwards was "it's okay "


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I was very much in love with my husband when we married. That changed over time, as he was hypercritical, and allowed his family to get away with a lot of things regarding certain individual's abuse of me. The love faded for me because of 5 years of this nonsense. He wanted to try and work it out. Now I'm just biding my time, waiting for him to prove to me that he will not change. I'm trying to work on it for my kids, that's really the only reason, but my heart is not in it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bianca33 said:


> .......* Frankly, I am not looking for what a good marriage is.. I want to know how others have dealt with a lack of feeling and interest for their spouse. *


When there were tough times, I thought of my children and how I could be the best role model and mentor for them. 

Other times, I performed "affirmations" or self-hypnosis. I am sure you have heard or seen advertisements for CD's on quitting smoking, loosing weight, etc. The idea is you relax and repeat certain phrases so that your conscious mind starts to program your unconscious mind and what it thinks. 

Another bit of introspection is to realize that my wife is human. That means she has flaws and struggles to do good. I need to accept that she is human and capable of making a mess in our relationship, even if she loves me. It is easier to forgive, when you know that your spouse really does love you, even when they do things that emotionally hurts you.

Finally, focus on the glass being half full. Look at friends whose wives have horrific medical problems and say how lucky both you and your wife are to have your health. Look at wives who have financially ruined the couple's retirement fortunes and count your blessing. If you look hard enough, you will see some good. Focus on that good. However, also work on improving the marriage while staying in it and being committed to it.

Good Luck.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Arranged marriages do not typically end with the two people falling in love afterwards. They're simply not allowed to divorce because of the culture. Over the years I've only known a handful of women who had to do this and the best I ever heard from one of them afterwards was "it's okay "


@DownByTheRiver I politely disagree, if you go to the Middle East, Asia, and many parts of Africa, they are allowed to get divorced and it's way much simpler than what we have at the west!
I worked in the golf states for almost 10 years, have many friends there, people there are not stuck in marriages, they can get divorced.
The difference is that infidelity there (mainly in the Middle East) is not fun and games and could mount up to capital punishment if you're are married!


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## Bianca33 (Sep 24, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> The 7 years itch? have you heard about it @Bianca33?
> 
> 
> You need to ask the question, why does millions of arranged marriages last longer than the western ones?
> These arranged marriages lasted decades tell the end, love was never a factor when they got married, but they fall in love afterwards!


I doubt that they fall in love afterwards.. it's just a socio-cultural practice and they accept it as much as wearing a veil or burqa, or other things they do.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Bianca33 said:


> I doubt that they fall in love afterwards.. it's just a socio-cultural practice and they accept it as much as wearing a veil or burqa, or other things they do.


From what I saw, they do fall in love, but we can never really know can we?!
They could eventually fall in love or maybe they never will, we don't have some sort of device to measure love and affection in people, so we will never know, like your husband, he doesn't know that you really not in love with him.
But what we do know is that these type of marriages (the arranged ones) start with safety, stability and moral values as its core foundation, and we can only measure the success of these marriages (or long-term relationships) by its longevity and achievements!

You yourself have a similar marriage, just like the arranged ones, you looked for safety and stability when you said (which is the smart thing to do!):


Bianca33 said:


> This is not something to revamp it is something that was not there if not because I made myself feeling something due to safety and stability. Safety and stability are indeed a core need for us human beings so I don't disregard them. I am just saying.. I don't find that I married for the most common definition of love in our western and contemporary culture.


Safety and stability is the main core needs for women (not men, know the difference)
So your statement is not necessary correct:


Bianca33 said:


> I believe that also feeling strongly emotionally connected is. For me, these are the two basic components of a long-term relationship.


We know from facts that long-term relationship success didn't necessary need strong emotional connections, this is since the beginning of time, yes, in some cases it might start that way but it doesn't have to be present all the time. Why? Because emotions fluctuate, it goes up and down through the years and challenges that the couples face and go through!

Saying that success of marriages are based on strong emotional connections is not correct assumption and marriages should never just be built on that, it's a very shaky foundation!
A wise woman once told me that butterfly love are for young teenage girls (I assume boys as will), but grown up women know better!
Butterfly love and feelings are not sustainable, it never was and never will be!
It's sold by Disney and Hollywood romantic movies, it's not realistic in the real world, but we in the west bought in to it, and it's causing havoc in many relationships!

If you go to any relationship and infidelity web forums you will see how many people fall easy into emotional affairs (EA) for search of that butterfly affects, and how it leads to physical affairs (PA) and how it leads to destruction, in some cases it ends with murder and devastation of children just to get that butterfly tingle feelings and the thrills!

Don't take my word for it, look at the media and what it teaches young boys and girls these days:
Girls: Do what's best for you and what makes you happy! (YOU GO GIRL)!
Boys: Do the right thing (Man up and take responsibility)!

In your case, your husband is doing his best to be the best for you and your kids, taking care of the family, he will protect you, and he will take a bullet for you, he will make many mistakes along the way (because Mr. Perfect doesn't exist!) even if you tell him you are not in love with him, as long as you're loyal to him, he will still protect you and he will be willing to do the ultimate sacrifice (himself) if needed to make sure his family (you and the kids) are safe and secure, that's what we men do for our families, we do the right thing!

Many women do not know or appreciate the extent that us men do for our families, some say they do but really they don't, for many women it's all about what I want, what I need and how I feel at that moment, it's never about the family wants and needs, they are not willing to do the right thing, yes not all women do that but by large the majority in the west do that!

Think about it, your husband when he married you he forsake all other women to be with you, love you and provide for you, he believes that you loved him deeply because that's what you told him and made him believe, *but what he doesn't know is that his marriage was rigged from the beginning! *


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## HarbourView (Mar 20, 2020)

> In your case, your husband is doing his best to be the best for you and your kids, taking care of the family, he will protect you, and he will take a bullet for you, he will make many mistakes along the way (because Mr. Perfect doesn't exist!) even if you tell him you are not in love with him, as long as you're loyal to him, he will still protect you and he will be willing to do the ultimate sacrifice (himself) if needed to make sure his family (you and the kids) are safe and secure, that's what we men do for our families, we do the right thing!


Not all men are like this but by far the majority are.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bianca33 said:


> I doubt that they fall in love afterwards.. it's just a socio-cultural practice and they accept it as much as wearing a veil or burqa, or other things they do.


That is where you are wrong. In SE Asia there are many arranged marriages. These marriages are arranged after considering many factors, such as personality, career, aspirations, looks, etc. They often last longer than love marriages because the foundation is not based on lust or sexual attraction.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You should tell your H your contemplat6leaving him. Let him leave you.


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## Fly With Me (Jul 11, 2021)

I don't know you or your husband but I can relate to having a husband who was my best friend but I didn't feel passion for.

He was the quintessential 'nice guy'.

Things shifted for us when we found a relationship coach called Michelle Terrell who helped him with 'change her mood not her mind' and told him to read 'no more mr nice guy'. 

The passion is there and he could draw it out of you. You both need to step outside of the 'roles' you have played up till now. Encourage him to let his dark side out. It's there I promise. Guys have just been trained to think they have to supress the aspects of themselves women are most attracted to because they are not 'nice.'

Be honest and tell him if he wants your passion (which i can guarantee he does) he needs to be more fully himself. And tell him if he can't be more of his full self the impact that has had and will have on you. And how close to the door you are.

When my husband was honest with me like that it almost destroyed me. But it also lit a fire in me and connected me to the motivation I needed to change. Sometimes we need to know how close our spouses are to leaving us.

We all have the capacity to be safe for eachother and dangerous and exciting. It's in
us. And we all need both!


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## Bianca33 (Sep 24, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> From what I saw, they do fall in love, but we can never really know can we?!
> They could eventually fall in love or maybe they never will, we don't have some sort of device to measure love and affection in people, so we will never know, like your husband, he doesn't know that you really not in love with him.
> But what we do know is that these type of marriages (the arranged ones) start with safety, stability and moral values as its core foundation, and we can only measure the success of these marriages (or long-term relationships) by its longevity and achievements!
> 
> ...


Well, I mean.. I also thought that I loved him deeply. I have made all sorts of adjustments even to the point of overadapting to him, which is not health. And I never said that I am looking for Mr. Right or a better relationship. Actually, I don't believe in better or worse. Every person has faults and every relationship has flaws. I am aware of that as I am aware that a relationship cannot give it all. That's why we have friends or other things and people in our life to fulfil our needs. I don't fully agree that the emotional connection need is to be disregarded. There is a pyramid of needs at the bottom of which there is safety but there are also other needs, like esteem, love, self actualization that if go unmet will make us discontented. Now, one can decide to stay in the marriage for safety and it's fine. Many do, many, most even have always been. Many have also looked to meet the other needs somewhere else, especially if love and self-actualization are not met. Why should these needs be disregarded so much for safety? Safety is definitely important but the other needs too. We wouldn't be human otherwise


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You must seriously think about the devastation you will cause to him and your small children if you were to destroy the family.
> You clearly like him and are in one sense are close, love sometimes isn't all about feelings but commitment and
> keeping the vows you made.
> Personally in your situation I couldn't do that to him or my children. I couldn't wreck their lives for an elusive 'connection' that you may never find again.
> ...


This this right here is how I feel about my own marriage. Although, my husband has deprived me of an emotional connection for years and the neglect I've encountered has destroyed any love I once blindly had for him. I agree, I if I were to just bail because "I deserve" more I'd be doing an injustice to my son. I don't fight with my husband, I work my job, take care of my son and still 'bed' my husband as one poster put just to keep the peace. I'm not robbing my husband of anything when all he cares about are his physical needs being met. To me, destroying my son would be the ultimate cost and I'm not willing to put him through that just so I 'might' get to be happy outside of my union. It's sad, it feels unfair, but that's my love for my child, above myself.


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## RandyJ (Oct 25, 2021)

Try looking at it this way. Don’t think about being with another partner, think about just being alone for the rest of your life. Living alone and raising your kids alone. Losing all of the friends you share with your spouse and possibly negatively impacting your relationships with family. Really imagine that in detail. If you’re sure that life would be superior to the situation you are living in now, your choice is easy. Get a divorce. Otherwise think again. When I got divorced I knew being alone would be far superior to my current situation and that put me completely at peace with the decison. Still at peace with it. You don’t want to live with regrets. You should compare your marriage to being single rather than to being with what you consider the ideal partner. Likely no one will live up to those standards.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

The grass is always greener people are the ones that have married and divorced 4 times and come on here wondering if #5 will be different. You have kids, you have made a commitment to a husband that seems good as far as I can tell. You sound like you are in the process of pushing him away because your mind is all made up but you are scared of the consequences.

How was your ex boyfriend so good that it took 7 years to get over him? That I'm not sure you are even over him because it sounds like you want to recreate the same thing. Was he that good or do we tend to make the past out better than it really was?

Wouldn't it be better to try harder with what you have instead of trying to find something that never really existed like you remember?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RandyJ said:


> Try looking at it this way. Don’t think about being with another partner, think about just being alone for the rest of your life. Living alone and raising your kids alone. Losing all of the friends you share with your spouse and possibly negatively impacting your relationships with family. Really imagine that in detail. If you’re sure that life would be superior to the situation you are living in now, your choice is easy. Get a divorce. Otherwise think again. When I got divorced I knew being alone would be far superior to my current situation and that put me completely at peace with the decison. Still at peace with it. You don’t want to live with regrets. You should compare your marriage to being single rather than to being with what you consider the ideal partner. Likely no one will live up to those standards.


Yeah. I do not know why I do not long to be with someone all the time. Did God make us to be coupled for real? I just do not feel like I am for sure made to be with someone. I would be totally fine alone, I'm afraid.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Zombie


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat smells a tangy zombie thread and hurries over to deal with it.









"A Zombie Cat's work is never done" he thinks to himself.


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