# Married for 14 yrs, Major sex life and financial problems. Stay or leave?



## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have a 13 y.o. daughter. I am 37 and he is 49.
We had various issues for years which is probably normal in marriage. Lately I feel that the issues became worse, and 
I am thinking about leaving my husband.
I feel that for some reason he has been declining during the last 2 years. I feel like he aged a lot in just 2 years. He doesnt have much ambition anymore. 
1) Financial. 
When we met I didnt work, and he worked as a counselor for about $35,000/year. Then I worked part time, went through school and got my nursing degree. 
8 yrs ago he decided to quit his job and open his own business. It brings him about $10,000/year income, but he will not let go of it. He does not have a single penny in savings and doesnt show concern about that. I am not even mentioning retirement.
Now I work in a hospital and make over $50,000.
I noticed that the more money I bring home, the less money he makes. When I mention it he gets angry and says he is never going back to work for somebody. Yet he wants me to stay at my job even though he knows it is highly stressful. No matter how hard I work and how exausted I am, we never have any money to even take a short vacation. And it was not that way before. He pays half of the mortgage, but he would not even open a single bill to even look at it, and I end up paying them. He acts like that bills dont exist. When I bring it up he says things like "I thought you paid that bill". When we go out to eat I always pay the bill, and he doesnt even seem to be bothered by it. Because of that I feel that I am gradually losing respect for him. I never ever get a gift from him for my birthday anymore. The reality is that he doesnt have any money. I end up buying my own gifts. 
Recently he went to another state for a few days for his hobby. He said the trip was paid for, but it turned out he was using our credit card. When I asked him about that he said "I will pay it back". He already has $5000 credit card debt which he only pays minimal payments on. I dont see how he can ever pay anything off! I mentioned that I would like to go for 3 day vacation to California, and he got angry at me saying that we cannot afford it and he is not going to discuss it with me. 
Today, when I mentioned leaving him, he said I will have to pay him child support. This makes me respect him even less.
2) Sex life. We no longer have passion for each other like we used to. When we got married he was interested in sex, but then somehow gradually became less and less interested. It probably also due to our disagreements and fights. For the last 2-3 years he NEVER initiates sex. It is always me. One time he started falling asleep during foreplay. I felt so humiliated! 
I've never looked at other men while being married. But 2 yrs ago I met this man. He showed a lot of interest in me. I ended up becoming intimate with him. Then he disappeared. He reappeared in my life again a few weeks ago. I feel such a strong chemistry for him that I didnt resist and met him again. We had intimacy again. It was the best sex I've had in my life!!! I never felt that way with my husband. I even no longer feel bad about doing it because my husband is just plain not interested in me and absolutely will not discuss it either. I am a young woman and I want to be loved and wanted. 
I did tell my husband what I've done with another man and asked him to let me go. He said he does not want me to leave, he said he wants to let go of this and he will not discuss this with me. 
I have been bringing these issues to him, but every time he escapes. He gets angry, says he is tired, it is not good time to talk, then he packs his pillow and blanket and goes to sleep in another room. 
We love each other as friends, family and partners, but not like man and woman. 
I have been told many times that I am very attractive. I take good care of myself, stay fit and do a lot to stay young and attractive. I frequently notice men looking at me. Also, now I have a career and pretty stable financially. 
I am worried that if I move out nobody will want me. I realize that the guy who I've been seeing is not very reliable. I dont want to be alone. I have always been a type of woman who does not do well without a man. I need to have a man for emotional support and to love him and to be loved. 

*Clarification*: 2 years ago I brought up divorce *BEFORE* I became intimate with the other guy. 
I met with him for coffee once, and he said he liked me. 
I felt so strongly that I wanted to feel like a woman who is loved and wanted. l came home and told my husband that I wanted to leave and why, and he became pretty much violent. HE WOULD NOT LET ME GO because we just got our loan approved and were about to move into our new house. He was so furious and yelled at me "I am not going to become homeless because you want a fling with this guy". 

I would appreciate advice because I am feeling totally lost.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't see why you don't leave the marriage. The longer you stay, the longer he can get alimony. I bet you, he will squeeze every penny out of you. I don't see this as love, I see this as he is using you for food and shelter. Your his free bank account.

I'm really sorry your here. Why would you pay child support when you can get at least 50/50 custody. Usually child support is voided in those situations. He doesn't automatically have a say in this. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Good luck.

I wanted to add, when I divorced my husband, I didn't tell him first. I went to a lawyer and served him papers. He was trying his best to make my life miserable and contest against the divorce. Even though another woman had moved in 3 days after I left him. I was also the breadwinner and I had a lawyer, he didn't. My ex had gone behind my back and took credit cards in my name after the divorce papers were signed, but before the actual divorce and spent thousands of dollars in my name. He also told child support he paid over two grand and gotten away with it. Be careful and watch your back with revenge.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

I'm very stubborn about working on my marriage to try to make it work, but it honestly sounds as if your husband is more concerned with keeping you around for financial reasons rather than because he loves you and wants to be married to you, so I think you should leave him. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, and obviously I don't know the situation fully, but that's the subtext I get from your post.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

It sounds like your husband is mentally ill. It's a bad situation for both of you. Clinical depression has many of the same signs your husband is showing. He needs professional help.

On the other hand, you cheated on your marriage. Instead of ending your marriage before starting a new relationship, you decided to cheat.

You both need help.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

That is very cool. He supported you early on so that you can go to college and have a great job. Now that you have everything, you leave him for another man. So you would create a broken home for your daughter because 1) Money problem 2) Not enough sex. Sounds good.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Running a business is hard. It requires constant feedback and adjustment to the market. I would discuss how he addresses his business and potential changes. If there is no interest in change by him, then you do have to evaluate whether you want to continue supporting him.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

scione said:


> That is very cool. He supported you early on so that you can go to college and have a great job. Now that you have everything, you leave him for another man. So you would create a broken home for your daughter because 1) Money problem 2) Not enough sex. Sounds good.


Well that is one way to look at it but I guess you could also say he supported her early on so she could be his meal ticket and has been taking advantage of it ever since.

"I am never going to work for anyone else ever again". How nice for him. Let me tell you something Scione. My own personal story is almost verbatim of what the OP wrote although when I lost my 10 year old business during the recession I found some consulting work and made a bit more than the OP's husband. It was not enough so I went to work for Wal*Mart because they were the only people that would give me a job. I hated it but I had some self respect. 

Last year I found a job where I tripled my income. I am expecting a promotion within a year where double what I am making now. All this time my wife has busted her a$$ for the family. I have gained back her respect because I showed her I wanted to provide for the family. I could have continued to work 10 hours a week and made 16K a year but that was ruining our marriage so I did something about it. Her husband is a leach and she is right to be frustrated.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Whatever the situation, cheating to get out is NOT the way to go about it. It's juvenile and manipulative.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

I don't buy that your husband is that bad. You started having sex with another guy 3 weeks ago. I bet you'd say just about anything to justify it. 

You actually had me feeling sorry for you while reading it... then I realized the first 5000 words of your post was just you rewriting your marital history to justify your affair. 

You know what they say.... Cheaters lie.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

fragile37 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have a 13 y.o. daughter. I am 37 and he is 49.
> We had various issues for years which is probably normal in marriage. Lately I feel that the issues became worse, and
> I am thinking about leaving my husband.
> I feel that for some reason he has been declining during the last 2 years. I feel like he aged a lot in just 2 years. He doesnt have much ambition anymore.
> ...


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

fragile37 said:


> 8 yrs ago he decided to quit his job and open his own business. It brings him about $10,000/year income, but he will not let go of it.


IMHO, any business that brings in less than you could make at minimum wage is a hobby. Minimum wage is $7.25 for most of the country. That's about $14,500 annually (plus the benefits that go along with a full time job). 



> I noticed that the more money I bring home, the less money he makes. When I mention it he gets angry and says he is never going back to work for somebody.


Excuse. He doesn't want to work. The entire "business" is an excuse not to work. As I pointed out above, he could get a job as a stock-boy at Wal Mart and make more money.



> Today, when I mentioned leaving him, he said I will have to pay him child support.


Why? Is he your child?

You're the mom and you maintain a full time job--you are a responsible person. He's the dad and doesn't have a job--he comes across as an irresponsible person. 99.99944678% of the time a judge will award full custody of the any children to those circumstances.



> But 2 yrs ago I met this man. He showed a lot of interest in me. I ended up becoming intimate with him. Then he disappeared. He reappeared in my life again a few weeks ago. I feel such a strong chemistry for him that I didnt resist and met him again. We had intimacy again. It was the best sex I've had in my life!!! I never felt that way with my husband. I even no longer feel bad about doing it because my husband is just plain not interested in me and absolutely will not discuss it either. I am a young woman and I want to be loved and wanted.


Huge mistake. If you want to sleep with another man you should get divorced.



> I did tell my husband what I've done with another man and asked him to let me go. He said he does not want me to leave, he said he wants to let go of this and he will not discuss this with me.


It's not up to him. You don't need his permission. If you want to divorce him simply file for divorce.

As long as you are waiting on him nothing will ever change. Heck, he found out another man was banging his wife and his response was...whatever.



> I realize that the guy who I've been seeing is not very reliable.


Well duh!

1) Reliable men don't sleep with other men's wives.

2) People tend to make the same mistakes over and over again when it comes to picking mates. Odds are he's just like your current husband was in his younger days, and will end up just like him down the road.



> I would appreciate advice because I am feeling totally lost.


Decide that it's OK to be alone for a while. Dump the other man. If you are set on it, divorce your husband. The truth is, you'll probably be better off financially without him, as you will still have your income as a nurse, but won't have to support him.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Look, I can appreciate the fact that a cheater will rewrite marital history. But it would be pretty difficult to "rewrite" the facts put forth by the OP regarding her H's net take home from his home business and how they pay for things. You can reinterpret things in the marital past like, for example, a BS that occasionally swore at the WS during past arguments turning into "he/she ALWAYS cussed me out over the tiniest of things...". But you can't reinterpret who makes what and who pays for what. Maybe you can rewrite the idea of WHY the BS in this thread is continuing to make peanuts at a home business - like if he's meant to also be a SAHD - but I don't get that sense from this thread.
> 
> If the OP is lying, then she should know that our responses are meaningless and that we haven't actually justified anything for her. However, I'm going to go with what was written - for now - and we'll see where it goes.


You are welcome to interpret it how you like. I interpreted as she cheated on her husband. The rest of the crap she wrote no longer matters. And why 3 weeks after she starts having sex with this guy again do all these things come to a head? 

Obviously, if you removed the part of her having an affair then the story sucks for her. When you add the affair into the story, it makes me question things. Well, actually... it makes me question everything. 

Oh and was it a coincidence that the marriage got worse for the 'last 2 years'? 2 years ago just happens to be the first time she was sleeping with this guy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are still on the fence about leaving your husband because of your fear of being alone without a man.

There is a saying "Fear will keep us in our place."

You want another man so you are testing the waters by cheating hoping that one of these other men will "rescue" you from your pitiful marriage.

Seriously??

Now back to your husband. Is he a good father? Does having his own business free him up to do things with your child, ie driving him/her to school, activities, etc.? or is he slacking in that area also? Does he help to run the household while you are at work?

I can understand why you are no longer attracted to him. He doesn't really earn a decent living & is bad with money. I am just wondering what other ways he adds "value" to your family.

Not all work is "paid" but it is still work.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Are you planning on leaving your child with him? I don't understand his comment about child support or do you mean alimony to him?

I would end the affair and see how that is clouding your judgment. Cheaters see all types of things wrong with their spouses to justify their cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

The thing is her husband doesn't need to give her permission to leave. She is an adult and can leave as she pleases. That doesn't make sense. Therefore, that excuse is utterly bogus. 

Child support? Is your husband the main care giver (only explanation as to why he would get custody and child support)

I agree it is not always black and white. I just don't see anything in this post that makes me think that a fair picture has been painted.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> However, assuming the sins of the H are real and at the level described, but the OP cheats on him then people will forget about all the stupid things the H does and flock to him with all the sympathy. This is the part of the TAM world that I don't get.


I wouldn't say that everybody *forgets* that the H is flawed. I think it has more to do with the OP's cheating and apparent justification of doing so.

If you're unhappy in a relationship, then be an adult about it and notify the other party, then leave. 

Adults take destinies in their own hands and shape them.

Children place destiny in the hands of others, complete with excuses and rationalization.


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## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

I really appreciate the replies. Thank you very much for your time and input. 
I would like to clarify a few things because it is unclear in my post. 

1"Cheating".I understand that some people focused on cheating. In my situation I dont even consider it "cheating" anymore though I am not going to argue about it either. My husband hasnt been showing any interest in me for at least 3 years. We have gone to marriage counseling before. I've repeatedly said to him that I am a young woman and I need attention. And that if he is not interested then I should leave and meet someone who is interested. I repeat: MY HUSBAND DID NOT AND DOES NOT WANT ME TO LEAVE. It would be easier to leave if he agreed to it. But in fact, after I met with anoter guy and told my husband that 2 years ago and said that I am moving out he became angry and almost violent. But not because of the other guy. He got mad because we were about to move into our new house, and I said I am not moving and getting a divorce. He became extremely mad. Because it would make our house purchase fall apart. He never said anything about another man after that, and has continued exactly the same behavior not being interested. 
2) "He supported her". I will clarify that. We got married and I became pregnant immediately. I stayed at home while I was pregnant. I was very sick the whole time and there was no way I could work. Then I stayed home until she was about 3 yo. Then I got a job as interpreter which was only available as part time. While working as interpreter I went through college and got LPN degree. Then I was working full time as LPN and went through RN program. BTW I paid for all my schooling myself.


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## fragile37 (May 23, 2013)

2 years ago I brought up divorce *BEFORE* I became intimate with the other guy. 
I met with him for coffee once, and he said he liked me. 
I felt so strongly that I wanted to feel like a woman who is loved and wanted. l came home and told my husband that I wanted to leave and why, and he became pretty much violent. HE WOULD NOT LET ME GO because we just got our loan approved and were about to move into our new house. He was so furious and yelled at me "I am not going to become homeless because you want a fling with this guy".


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## MyrnaLoy (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm confused. Do you think you need his permission to get a divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

fragile37 said:


> 2 years ago I brought up divorce *BEFORE* I became intimate with the other guy.
> I met with him for coffee once, and he said he liked me.
> I felt so strongly that I wanted to feel like a woman who is loved and wanted. l came home and *told my husband that I wanted to leave and why*, and he became pretty much violent. HE WOULD NOT LET ME GO because we just got our loan approved and were about to move into our new house. He was so furious and yelled at me "I am not going to become homeless because you want a fling with this guy".


You can repeat this 50 more times do the hokie-pokie and turn yourself about... 

***STILL DOES NOT CHANGE THE FACT WE ALL KNOW***
You have *never* told him out-right and clearly in plain simple words... "Honey, look I've cheated, been sexually active with another man b/c you are not attracted to me. "

So excuse us for calling a spade a spade.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

If he became violent, that's your cue to bail. Nobody deserves to be hit, and NOBODY deserves to be abused. That should have been your moment to split.

However, that would be in self-preservation. Cheating, is NOT in self-preservation. 

If you left your husband when he lashed out, and THEN started a new relationship, that would be something entirely different. 

Whether you agree with it or not, you STILL cheated on your marriage and your husband. You act like he twisted your arm to do it.


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