# Feeling like I am playing second fiddle to his family



## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

I apologize if it's gonna be a bit long. 

At Christmas he gave his mum and brother (who'll be 18 in October) money as well as to his nephew. Ok, nothing wrong there of course. He told me to get myself something, but then money was a bit tight so he told me to wait till the following month, but never ended up getting me anything. I always feel uncomfortable with using his money on me, so I wouldn't have bought myself anything anyway. He gave me a card that I had bought myself. 
Previous Christmas I had only asked for a card, not even a present and he couldn't be bothered to send me one. I was away to help with family problems that Christmas and I sent him a card, and he made sure of telling me it looked cheap. I thought he was a real j*rk and I was really f*cked off and I was going through a [email protected] period as well. Brother and mum got money of course for Christmas and for their birthdays.

He was given some vouchers ($100) as a reward for not going sick during the year. He gave them to his mum. This was in January. 

The other day he must have spoken to his mum and she told him his brother wants to go on a carpentry course at college, but if he can't find a college close to where they live that offers it, he might do another course. Partner said he should do what he wants to do and said he can come and live here for a year to do the course round here. We live in a 1 bed place and don't have room, so he'd have to sleep on the sofa. He didn't ask me if this arrangement was ok for me (it might not be necessary for him to move here, but I checked and there don't seem to be courses available in brother's area). He merely informed me and I know that if I had said anything, he'd have gotten angry. He said brother would go back to his mum's whenever he's off college (and who's gonna pay for the expensive train fares? Partner of course) and he would be going out and so he wouldn't be at home a lot. Brother is quite lazy, I know that, as when he's been here visiting , he just played PS3 all day, without ever offering to help. So, I am expected to cook for and clean after brother too? Partner said if it becomes too much for me, I can go back to my parents' for a little while. 

He told his mum he'll give his brother money for an iPhone his brother is getting off a friend next month and next month there's my birthday too and I bet I'll get the "money is tight, can you wait till next month?".

Am I unreasonable in feeling like his family comes before me?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is an ass. How long have you been married? I can never imagine telling my partner or wife to "buy something for herself". 

And yes, everyone else is apparently more important than you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds like his family is his priority, and you are not.

I would NEVER settle with ANYONE that I was not a priority to. No way in hell.

I'm a husband FIRST, before I am a father.....or a son......inlaw.....friend (in that EXACT order).

It's hard to give you advice because you settled for this OP and I'm not exactly sure if it's reasonable for you to expect change.......

You can try, but assume it won't happen.

If it's important to you, I would tell you to divorce ASAP (but def give the whole "try to change" thing a whirl/try, it can't hurt, but expect NOTHING).


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

Well, he texted me this earlier: "Next month I wanna save big. I gotta give L. (brother's name) money. My mum too. And ur birthday". 

My birthday mentioned last.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you married? You mention "partner"...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

PBear said:


> Are you married? You mention "partner"...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Since 2010.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Strawberry79 said:


> Well, he texted me this earlier: "Next month I wanna save big. I gotta give L. (brother's name) money. My mum too. And ur birthday".
> 
> My birthday mentioned last.


No no no. Something's definitely not right. It seems as though he completely takes you for granted. The mom and brother come first. 

You are right to feel badly about this. Either this has to change or I don't see how you are going to be able to be happy in this marriage.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

His mom and brother can't pay their own bills ?


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> His mom and brother can't pay their own bills ?


No. His brother is at college and doesn't do anything else. If he's not at college, he just goes out. His mom did say he moans if she asks him to do stuff for her and refuses to go shopping for her as well sometimes. His mom hasn't been working for years and years and is now ill (got diagnosed with malnutrition due to eating poorly), but she gets some money through state benefits, which isn't enough to survive to be honest. The two of them just moved to her daughter's. 

My issue is not that he wants to help them in itself, but that I feel like he will make sure they get something for their birthdays or festivities, but I can go without or wait. I think next month his main priorities should be my birthday and then helping his mom a bit (even though now daughter can support her for once, since she is living there, instead of him all the time). 
Honestly, can't his brother just get a small job to earn himself the money to buy this iPhone he doesn't urgently need (he's got a perfectly functioning BB Torch), instead of asking brother? He is almost 18 FFS. Or wait until his birthday? Partner even said he'll buy him a PS4 if he completes his course. I feel like this boy, who isn't a bad boy anyway, is kind of lazy?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Personally, if it were my husband, I'd be telling him that if money is SO TIGHT, then WE cannot afford to be getting all this stuff for everyone else. BIL has a perfectly functioning phone already? Then he doesn't need a new iPhone. If he wants it THAT BAD, he can get a job to pay for it himself. If he's focusing on his studies, then he can stick with what he already has. But, the bottom line is that if you really cannot afford it, then he shouldn't be doing it.


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