# My Husband doesn't want me to talk about my job



## Dolores (Jun 12, 2010)

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years, it's a second marriage for us both and we are in our early 50's. We both work in the non-profit world and a few years ago I was promoted to a management position. For the past few years whenever I talked about my job or the people I supervised, he would change the subject. When I came back from my last business trip, he didn't even acknowledge that I was in the house, and a few days later he apologized and told me point blank that he doesn't want me to talk about any "management" issues related to my job. I am absolutely devestated, this is a deal breaker for me. We have decided to go to couples therapy, but I feel this is an issue that goes deeper for me, it's a basic lack of respect. Any ideas out there?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

How often do you talk about your job? Do you talk about it all of the time? Do you repeat the issues over and over again? Do you seek advice and then don't take it (in regards to your job)? Maybe he is tired of talking about your job - if you are talking about it all of the time. Perhaps he wants to talk about something positive or fun instead of logistics all the time?


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## Dolores (Jun 12, 2010)

I don't think that I dwell on it, it's more of a daily exchange between us, when he comes home I ask him about his day, and he tells me and then he doesn't ask about my day. On the occasion when I need to make a difficult decision and I want to vent, and I begin to tell him something, he listens and then changes the subject. I feel hurt and unvalued.


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## Dolores (Jun 12, 2010)

My husband is a teacher, so it's easy for him to talk about his day, his students, etc. And I always listen to every detail and I'm very attentive, I ask him follow-up questions and I try very hard to be an "active listener", but when it comes time for me to talk about my day, that conversation never takes place. He stopped asking and when I begin to talk about my job, he changes the subject. I don't feel he values what I do. I work for a very large non-profit organization that helps to eliminate child hunger, it's not like I'm out there climbing the corporate ladder. I do make more $$ than he does, and he did tell me a few years ago that was a problem for him. But, all our money goes into a joint account, so it shouldn't be an issue.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Does he know that this hurts or upsets you? I would tell him how you feel...

My H isn't too into my work unloading either. But he thinks since I work in an office, my work is easy. I just choose to unload it on a friend or someone else, as I figure you can't always talking anything with anyone. Some people just aren't interested.

But I see what you mean and understand how you feel.  Maybe if you tell him he could try to be more courteous? If not, then maybe tell him you don't want to talk about ANY work then (even his)?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dolores said:


> My husband is a teacher, so it's easy for him to talk about his day, his students, etc. And I always listen to every detail and I'm very attentive, I ask him follow-up questions and I try very hard to be an "active listener", but when it comes time for me to talk about my day, that conversation never takes place. He stopped asking and when I begin to talk about my job, he changes the subject. I don't feel he values what I do. I work for a very large non-profit organization that helps to eliminate child hunger, it's not like I'm out there climbing the corporate ladder. * I do make more $$ than he does, and he did tell me a few years ago that was a problem for him. But, all our money goes into a joint account, so it shouldn't be an issue*.


:lol:You are kidding aren't you? Of course this is an issue for him! he has already told you it is. Your situation is contrary to the gender norms for our society. He seems to hold some traditional beliefs and likely feels your constant need to talk about your job is demeaning to him. You should look at what you are conveying in these daily dumps and perhaps give it a rest. I have had some similar problems in my marriage as I am an overeducated professional with more pieces of paper than a stationery store.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

KanDo said:


> :lol:You are kidding aren't you? Of course this is an issue for him! he has already told you it is. Your situation is contrary to the gender norms for our society. He seems to hold some traditional beliefs and likely feels your constant need to talk about your job is demeaning to him. You should look at what you are conveying in these daily dumps and perhaps give it a rest.


:iagree:We have a winner. The above comment is on the money. As soon as I heard that you both were in your 50s it was obvious. He is not a bad person for feeling this way. He is just a normal product of his generation.

You hear yourself talking about work. He is hearing you tell everyone that you are the boss.


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## Abegail23 (Oct 28, 2011)

I guess the reason for that is because you make more money than him, that you were promoted. Men always feel like that specially if their partner are a little bit higher than them. It was called pride..

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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My wife's topics of conversation 99% of the time are either her work, or logistics with the kids.

One night we went on a date and I asked for the duration of that one date, we talk about neither of these things. Anything else was fair game. After ten minutes of her virtual silence, I said forget it and we talked about her work for the rest of the night.

It can be frustrating to be on the other side of that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dolores said:


> My husband is a teacher, so it's easy for him to talk about his day, his students, etc. And I always listen to every detail and I'm very attentive, I ask him follow-up questions and I try very hard to be an "active listener", but when it comes time for me to talk about my day, that conversation never takes place. He stopped asking and when I begin to talk about my job, he changes the subject. I don't feel he values what I do. I work for a very large non-profit organization that helps to eliminate child hunger, it's not like I'm out there climbing the corporate ladder. * I do make more $$ than he does,* and he did tell me a few years ago that was a problem for him. But, all our money goes into a joint account, so it shouldn't be an issue.


This may ba an issue for him then. That said, unless he is a high paid professor it is well know that teaching is not the most lucrative profession. It is one in which one is not going to get wealthy and understood that it is a profession of service and that financial rewards are few and far between. 

As a man I can understand his provider instinct but he chose a profession that is not so very conduscive to this.

I confess it is hard for me to have too much of an opinion here. Not sure what his real issue is. He just may feel overwhelmed by your needing to discuss these issues with him.

Keep in mind we guys usually are looking for something to solve for you. Yet, women very often just wish to toalk about it. He may feel if you he either cannot solve your problem or your will not listen to his solution he does not want to listen. This being the case he really needs to learn to just listen and not solve the problems. That is not easy but it can be done.

I know this but I continually try to solve the problem when my wife or daughters come to me with this stuff. Sigh.

I learned a lon time ago not to talk about my work with my wife. It just takes focus away from out time. For the most part I do not want to relive my day anyway. It is in my rear view mirror. My time with my wife is more valuable to me. When there is a need to discuss my work I do. But that is pretty rare these days.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

No tremendous insight from me...I think others have hit the nail on the head. Just wanted to add some anecdotal information that might also be coloring his actions.

When my wife was in her previous job, I hated hearing about it. Mainly because she hated the job. The boss wasn't very understanding of her employees and environment, and the job just plain stressed her out and made her unhappy. Add another factor, in that her aunt, who lives with us, works there as well, and would go on and on talking in great detail telling my wife stories about the work day...that my wife was there for. I'd listen, occasionally offer commentary/advice if warranted, then try to switch subjects as quickly as possible.

Now, she doesn't work there anymore, her stress levels are lower, and she doesn't seem to feel the need to talk about work frequently.

Her aunt, on the other hand, continues to give a blow by blow, minute by minute, excruciatingly detailed rundown of the day's events. Now, I can just ignore it (or try to, anyway).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Dolores said:


> My husband is a teacher, so it's easy for him to talk about his day, his students, etc. And I always listen to every detail and I'm very attentive, I ask him follow-up questions and I try very hard to be an "active listener", but when it comes time for me to talk about my day, that conversation never takes place. He stopped asking and when I begin to talk about my job, he changes the subject. I don't feel he values what I do. I work for a very large non-profit organization that helps to eliminate child hunger, it's not like I'm out there climbing the corporate ladder. I do make more $$ than he does, and he did tell me a few years ago that was a problem for him. But, all our money goes into a joint account, so it shouldn't be an issue.


That is just rude. He is allowed to talk about his day but can't return the favor? 

As soon as I read the your first post I thought "I bet she makes more money". 

Does your husband have this double standard in other areas of your marriage as well? If not I'm betting that his male ego is bruised because you make more. In which case he either needs to find a way to deal with it or make a career move that allows him to make more money. Either way it is his issue to deal with. You shouldn't have to hide your talents.


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## wasTreoma (Mar 1, 2013)

Hi.. i was searching on this topic and landed here. I just had a fight with my hubby on this. I had a stressy day and wanted to share it with him as i need someone to talk about my work problems (and obviously i don't want to do that with my work mates). he started complaining again that i am talking about my work all the time.

i was mad as he started complaining again. i told him: "why dont you talk about your interests instead of complaining about my interests? If you dont want to hear about my job I can talk to my sister about it."

He went mad about this but it makes all sense now after reading your posts. I am working in IT and he is not. mostly he cannot even picture what i am doing at work. I am also earning a more money than him. I didn't think that this is a problem for him. Whenever i talked about my job he was putting it down somehow. When i said i did that then he said i did it wrong although he has no idea about how i work at office. I just need someone to tell my things and i want him to listen and not complaining or putting me down. its really hard for me to not talk about my day. even if i would stay at home i will talk about the stuff that was going on while he was not here. If i cannot do it i will go mad. If he would do this i would love to listen to him but he never does that. I have to always ask him about his day. I don't want to talk about work all the time but i want to talk to him. He should bring up some more interesting topic if he doesnt want to hear that. I am feeling now like i should have married someone who is doing a similar job so that he shows some understanding and respect. feeling really really sad now. I will try to not to talk about work anymore but i dont know what else to talk about with him on a daily basis. I am spending 8 hours at work and 2 hours for travelling to and from work every day... that makes 10 hours of my day. unfortunatly its the major part of my day. dont know what to do but i will try my best and stop talking about work from now on.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I struggle with this one too (but I at least try).

My wife works in early childhood education. We carpool to work. First thing in the car at pickup time is a brain dump of the daily activities with 4 and 5 year old children. 

Now don't get me wrong. I loved my children at that age. I tolerated my neighbor's kids and my children's friends. But I would rather have an ice pick jammed through my eye than listen to the stories about someone else's precocious little snot bag and how he wet the cot during nap time today.

So I try to listen, and even ask unprodded questions. I imagine every once in a while I actually succeed in fooling her into believing that I care. But pretending, at least for a little while, is part of the contract and your husband appears to be failing to hold up his end of the bargain. If not a lack of respect, since he might still respect you and be unwilling to hear about your day, it's a lack of common marital courtesy.


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