# Monitoring



## Muskwa (Jun 2, 2015)

Hello all, 

As with most of you I never thought I would be here. I am beginning to think my wife of 13 years is persuing some questionable online activities. For the benefit of brevity I will give back ground in point form. 
- real intimacy issues for most of marriage (once a month)
- discovered her using lesbian porn instead of me for release 4 years ago
- confronted her 8 months ago, no change just drove it underground
- also found her attempting contact with old boyfriends and love interests
- she has been using her iPad in private mode and I have good reason to suspect she has set up a fake Facebook in order to contact someone.

The question I have is can I track her online activity on her iPad Air with the latest iOS? I need more to go on before I confront. 

I believe she has her right to look at whatever images she likes but not to replace me and I need to deal with her ex boyfriend issues. Thank you


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Muskwa said:


> Hello all,
> 
> As with most of you I never thought I would be here. I am beginning to think my wife of 13 years is persuing some questionable online activities. For the benefit of brevity I will give back ground in point form.
> - real intimacy issues for most of marriage (once a month)
> ...



Your wife is not happy in your marriage and she is not dealing with it very well. She either feels hopeless to change it, or just does not want to and is "just not that into you". 

I am sorry you are going through this. And I say this as cold as I do, because it is almost exactly what I had right down to the Lesbian porn though my wife actually had affairs.

First of all the Lesbian porn thing is not typically something lesbians look at. Some straight women find it compelling but actual lesbians are more likely to look at gay porn (male on male). I believe I have seen women say they focus on the experience of the women as their own, not attraction to other women. I don't understand either, but I had to look into it because I had the same thing.


Does she work? Do you have kids? 

You will have to be strong to change this. What you really want I see is not necessarily to monitor or restrict her activities but have a fulfilling relationships together with more sex and intimacy. This is only going to change by engaging together on the goal, probably with Joint Counseling. There is nothing you can do lurking around in the shadows that will fix this. 

So if an affair seems unlikely you need to engage with her on the issues in the relationship and set clear boundaries for success. And here is the most important part. *You have to be willing to leave for your own happiness if you can't get the marriage to where you need it to be.* Trust me on this, if you do not have resolve, there is zero chance this will change and eventually she will have an affair if she has not already. Yes, there is a chance this will end your marriage, but then it would have never brought you what you need anyway.

If she is having an EA or PA, then your actions are not all that different assuming you want to reconcile with her. If not, just end it.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

If you want to get a view of what she is looking at on her iPad, you can do that through the router rather than the iPad itself. 

This is an open source feature rich router software upgrade that works on many routers.

Gargoyle Router Management Utility

It has two features that are helpful. Ones shows what domains (websites) where visited and the other shows what search terms would searched on. Both give line item log entries with IP address and machine name. It is a simple matter to see what kinds of websites and searches are being made. This can reveal dating sites, porn sites, searching for hotels locally, house hunting in other states--whatever. 

If she is sophisticated enough to use a personal VPN service, this method is completely defeated and none of the traffic over the VPN will appear in the utility.

Google now tries to default all search to a secure connection (https) so it is increasingly hard to observe what search terms are made over a network, but some of the are still caught if they are submitted through some insecure forms.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I can't answer your questions about ipad monitoring, but while you're waiting to get those answers, why not do a simple online check of her cell phone calls and texts?


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## Muskwa (Jun 2, 2015)

Thank you all for replying,

To answer a few questions;

We have two kids and she works full time. I will leave but not until both kids are done school (10 years). She seems content and says she loves me all the time but words mean nothing with nothing to back them up. She will be leaving right away if I find any evidence if infidelity. She even admits that I can run it better alone than she can.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

I bet you wish you could go back in time huh ? don't feel too bad.... you are just another victim of feminist social engineering .....
oh the things they don't tell you


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I would recommend Webwatcher mobile. It requires no jail break of the Ipad Air or iphone you are monitoring. 

As long as you know her Apple ID Password you are sweet. Webwatcher will pick up websites visited, private messages, phone numbers dialled recieved emails etc.

You have reason for red flags. Also i suggest the purchase of a VAR and strap it underneath her car seat. If she is reconnecting with old boyfriends on the internet eventually she will be calling them on the phone and to organise meet ups.

Sorry you are here


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> I would recommend Webwatcher mobile. It requires no jail break of the Ipad Air or iphone you are monitoring.
> 
> As long as you know her Apple ID Password you are sweet. Webwatcher will pick up websites visited, private messages, phone numbers dialled recieved emails etc.
> 
> ...


Looks like WebWatcher Mobile for iOS works by accessing iCloud device backups, so anything that isn't in the backups (which will include anything accessed via Safari's Private Mode) won't be viewable.

Additionally, since iCloud backups are involved, the same warnings w/ respect to Apple e-mail notifications still apply.

iPhone Backup Extractor Pro _might_ be able to get evidence of another Facebook account, but only if it's accessed the via Facebook app or Safari's regular browsing mode.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Look for monitoring software that offers "whole home filtering" like AVG Family Safety. This is installed on the router, records are in the cloud. Don't turn on any filtering or blocking. This can actually log you into social media sites that she accesses. 

Webwatcher or Dr Phone will pull from iCloud backups. Use these only if you can intercept the alert in her email when you set it up.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Looks like WebWatcher Mobile for iOS works by accessing iCloud device backups, so anything that isn't in the backups (which will include anything accessed via Safari's Private Mode) won't be viewable.
> 
> Additionally, since iCloud backups are involved, the same warnings w/ respect to Apple e-mail notifications still apply.
> 
> iPhone Backup Extractor Pro _might_ be able to get evidence of another Facebook account, but only if it's accessed the via Facebook app or Safari's regular browsing mode.


Gus your right except for the alert. There is no alert when webwatcher accesses the target phone Icloud as it practically runs in stealth mode and icloud doesn't pick it up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> Gus your right except for the alert. There is no alert when webwatcher accesses the target phone Icloud as it practically runs in stealth mode and icloud doesn't pick it up.


Reeeaaaaally...

Good to know, but OP (and anyone else, for that matter) would be wise to plan and make provision for the notification e-mails either way.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Muskwa

Your wife is not very happy with you. And this has been the case for most of the marriage. 

Sounds like you have chosen not to directly address the stuff she's unhappy about. Either by fixing it or accepting the marriage was a mistake. 

Instead you are now focusing on 'catching her' doing something against the rules. What exactly do you hope to accomplish by this? 
Because catching her, isn't going to improve your marriage. It may give you leverage for a short time - but that won't make her want to be with you. 

It is perfectly ok to say: Our marriage is broken, I would like to fix it. For that to even have a chance, we need to be focused on each other, not on other people. I need to know you are committed to that. 

Her actions towards YOU will give a strong sense of whether she thinks the marriage is worth fighting for. 

Just to be 100% clear though - if my partner knew I wasn't very happy with them for a decade without doing much to address it - I wouldn't believe they valued the marriage too much. 





Muskwa said:


> Hello all,
> 
> As with most of you I never thought I would be here. I am beginning to think my wife of 13 years is persuing some questionable online activities. For the benefit of brevity I will give back ground in point form.
> - real intimacy issues for most of marriage (once a month)
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Muskwa
> 
> Your wife is not very happy with you. And this has been the case for most of the marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

If I were you, OP, I would focus on reattracting your wife. Punitive measures are unlikely to work. But learning what her emotional needs are, and then meeting them, is.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

As was mentioned with the router..

You can also go one step further and change your DNS look up to OPENDNS.com..

You can pay for the service for a short time as needed and now. The simple issue is, you will not see what exactly the person is looking or texting, but it will give you the URLS that the device is requesting.. 

So you will be able to see for example facebook and the vanity name she might be using.. NOT the FB page if its private but it points you in the right direction..

EG I don't need to know exactly where on POF my wife is going, just going to POF is good enough for me...

But beyond all of this, I agree with the original response giving by scramble. 

I would look to FIX this if you can.. Your nonsense about kids and school is just that nonsense.. If your wife is cheating or looking to leave, she is gonna do it regardless of the kids.. So you worrying about it makes no sense at all..

This should have been fixed or addressed when sex dropped down to once a month.. 

You cannot anything linger or fester in a marriage.. I learned that the hard way..


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Muskwa said:


> - real intimacy issues for most of marriage (once a month)
> - also found her attempting contact with old boyfriends and love interests
> 
> I believe she has her right to look at whatever images she likes but not to replace me and I need to deal with her ex boyfriend issues.





Muskwa said:


> She says she loves me all the time but words mean nothing with nothing to back them up.


Don't worry about reconnecting. She's gone. Do what you have to do to survive, and that does NOT include making your wife love/want you.



Muskwa said:


> She will be leaving right away if I find any evidence if infidelity.


I never did understand why infidelity is the line in the sand. She married you under false pretenses and lies to you daily (every time she claims to love you). But god forbid she steps out of her miserable marriage to you just once. THAT'S the end.

I don't get it.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Don't worry about reconnecting. She's gone. Do what you have to do to survive, and that does NOT include making your wife love/want you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have been thinking on this a lot with respect to my own marriage which I also tend to judge harshly in these terms. However, I find greater truth that these relationships (the OP and my own) are in fact more emotionally nuanced than that. Sure you could still describe it in the harsh terms you have, but it is not so willful I think and comes out of a compartmentalization of human needs and desires.

Compulsions such as loneliness, desire for sex, safety and security all pull these women toward getting married and they are sincere in the moment, but also have not accepted or understood themselves and what they really want to be happy long term. 

Thats it really, normal non-pyschopathic people have to lie to themselves first before they can live a lie.

What makes it insidious, is that when they are jarred into a threat to the marriage they often fix it, it gets better, only to return to the state of abject misery when comfort and safety overtake the relationship again.

I think this mechanism, obviously not present in all relationships, is common and where Red Pill'ers get the idea that you need to keep a women insecure to keep her.

Yes I know I overthink stuff, but that is probably not going to change.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Muskwa
> 
> Your wife is not very happy with you. And this has been the case for most of the marriage.
> 
> ...


Respectully, MEM, this seems a bit rugsweepy to me. While I'd certainly advise any spouse in a lackluster marriage to step back and take an honest accounting of his or her own contributions to it, I'd also advise anyone who suspects that his or her spouse has been or is being unfaithful to get to the truth. After all, for those inclined to reconcile, it can only help in the long run to see how far out-of-sync or off-track the marriage had gotten.

Get the truth. Work w/ facts, not platitudes.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gus,
I fully expected some flame for this - thanks for the light touch.

This is my view as a fellow human - not as a mod - so you are welcome to be as blunt as you like. 

A marriage of two young healthy folks having sex once a month or so is a marriage where rug sweeping is the norm. 

That frequency typically means that the LD spouse is merely tolerating sex. And that often leads to a theme that I just am never going to understand. I'll call it the: it's ok that you don't have sex with me as long as you don't have sex with anyone else - theme. 







GusPolinski said:


> Respectully, MEM, this seems a bit rugsweepy to me. While I'd certainly advise any spouse in a lackluster marriage to step back and take an honest accounting of his or her own contributions to it, I'd also advise anyone who suspects that his or her spouse has been or is being unfaithful to get to the truth. After all, for those inclined to reconcile, it can only help in the long run to see how far out-of-sync or off-track the marriage had gotten.
> 
> Get the truth. Work w/ facts, not platitudes.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Muskwa said:


> We have two kids and she works full time. I will leave but not until both kids are done school (10 years).


And you will teach them it's ok to be cheated on and be unhappy in relationship.

Why you want to wait they ended school ? 

You can't emotionally support them through the divorce ?

Or it's to don't see them half of the time ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Gus,
> I fully expected some flame for this - thanks for the light touch.
> 
> This is my view as a fellow human - not as a mod - so you are welcome to be as blunt as you like.
> ...


I get all that, and I (mostly) agree. But still... get the facts.

After all, any successful attempt at repairing pretty much anything requires explicit knowledge w/ respect to HOW the thing is broken.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Gus+eggs=damn impressive.


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## Muskwa (Jun 2, 2015)

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply, I sincerely appreciate it.

I do not beleive she has physically cheated. What I do know is that she looks up her old love interests on the internets a fair bit. I do not know if she has contacted them but i want to find out. She may be doing it out of curosity but my gut and the lack of intimacy tells me that she regrets her decision to marry me and she is checking out what she missed out on.

I do everything for this woman, I do 90% of the cooking, clean the kitchen after and make her a lunch everyday. I shop for all the food and do all the "blue" work as she calls it. I have no hobbies, no friends and no life outside work and home. I used to be a borderline drunken party guy when we met and now I am a caricature of a suburban house husband.

If she is not cheating I will stay till the kids are gone. We both have divorced parents and I don't want that for my kids. We live in a very expensive place and my job is somehat specialized with little mobility abd we cannot afford to live seperately.

I am stuck in a lonely hell of my own creation.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Muskwa said:


> Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply, I sincerely appreciate it.
> 
> I do not beleive she has physically cheated. What I do know is that she looks up her old love interests on the internets a fair bit. I do not know if she has contacted them but i want to find out. She may be doing it out of curosity but my gut and the lack of intimacy tells me that she regrets her decision to marry me and she is checking out what she missed out on.
> 
> ...


Sorry sounds like BBAF to me, its not working your way you neeed to change it up and take her off the entitled princess pedestal if she has not crossed the rubicon
If she has you need to kick her off the pedestal to the curb

Look up nmmng and tmmslp and read them no matter how it turns out and return to the semi bad boy


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is a hell of your own making. You have enabled what she has become. Only you can reverse it.

When you are ready to REALLY take advice I would be more than willing to help. But thus far it sounds like you would rather play the martyr.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stop the cooking and cleaning and woman work. Women lose respect for men who do that . Household chores need to be 50/5o. 

Read No More Mister Nice Guy. You need it badly n


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Muskwa,

man up dude. Stop being a door mat. You can probably turn things around here if you action MMSLP.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I am stuck in a lonely hell of my own creation.


You are only stuck if you allow this interaction to continue.

It is time for an honest, open conversation with your wife.

Why waste 10 years or allow this nonsense to continue for 10 more years.


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