# my FIL is an addict



## kiss666 (Apr 16, 2014)

Its a long story but ill try to make it as short as I can. Sorry for mistakes ive made - English is not my native language and im still learning it)

ive married a man with an addiction problems. I never knew what is addiction, I came from a totally different background family and never met an addict in my life before. after ive moved to US I started working in a methadone clinic (nice start to learn American culture!!!) where I met my future husband. At first I felt guilt for him and just wanted to help Danny (my husband) any way I could. His father is on a clinic, his brother was before too, so kinda the whole family was screwed up on drugs I guess. their mother passed a while ago, but some how my husband doesn't really has a good memories of her. he never talks about her. one day he told me that he remembers when he was a child his mother was in a kitchen with another man while he was touching her down her underwear - so I guess there is no need to explain my husbands feeling about his mum.
different about his dad. for some reason Danny never looked at his father like I do. Danny told me that besides being an addict his dad is a really good man! I cannot agree. I see his father as a somebody, who started doing drugs when he was 12, been in and out of halfway houses all his live, never really worked - no need to, since in this country people like this get ssi, free housing, food stamps, free medical insurance etc. while other people like me work 80 hours a week and pay their taxes to support the system. again, I came from another country and I just don't understand how can you respect somebody who get everything for free because his is an addict. his father wasn't able to take care of his family so danny and his brother moved in with their uncle family, who gave them education and job (he was a well known politician at that time), but suddenly their uncle passed away and their aunt sold the house and told danny to move back to his father and since he was a mature guy (he was 22) she said that danny should be able to take care of himself. well he wasn't. he ended up on drugs, lost his state job and in a matter of time ended on a methadone clinic himself.
so when we started talking my first feeling was like 'ok, danny I want you to move in with me, I don't want you to stay in that house with your dad anymore'. he did. 4 month later he moved out his brother died, he oded on methadone and benzos pills. i was only thinking about danny and how he will take it, everybody were telling me that he is going to relapsed since he was so close with his brother and its a huge loss for him, but danny didn't. he didn't take one pill, he stood strong during that time holding my hand, he proved to me that he can be strong and was ready to control his addiction. he was telling me sometimes that he really wants to take something but after talking to me he just kept strong. and to tell you the truth he started doing pretty good after his brothers death, besides not having a job and going to the clinic every single day danny was fine, he started going to the meetings with me and then it was a time for him to quit the clinic, which he start doing, we had a plan - to decrease his methadone dose first every month, than every week, then every day when he came down to 10mg. danny was ready to quit but suddenly his dad told him that he should be prepared because after 10 mg dose that when the withdrawals begin and that when he will relapsed. danny got so scared, he literally started shaking, so when I got home and heard that I called his dad and just yelled at him, I told him to never open his mouth again and to not get into my job helping danny to get of that sh*t. by the time this happened I already wasn't happy with his father since of the comments he was making about everybody. I tried my best to get to know this man, since danny told me that his father was really a good person, but I never see it. I see him as a really stupid selfish men. period. 
a little bit about my situation. my work visa was about to expire and weve decided that we will get married so I can get a green card. danny quit the clinic and weve got married.
soon after he got a job in a small pizza place next to our house, not a fancy job but honestly im so proud of him! he started working 6 days a week and he decided that he doesn't want to go to the meetings anymore, he admitted that its all the same bullsh*t and he doesn't want to see high faces anymore. I agreed. I never believed in this meetings anyway so it made I difference for me to see that danny see the same. so our marriage life was going fine, we had our up and downs, mostly because out of nowhere danny started smoking pot. I was kinda in denial. I couldn't believe that he can do such a great job with his addiction, kicking off the methadone and clonopins habit but then start smoking pot! and we started fighting over it. his point is - "its just a pot", my point is "illegal is illegal". and he stops, then he smokes again (in the place he is working everybody smoke pot). so anyway I have energy to fight that but I don't have energy to go on a Christmas party with his dad. 
Thit is my question - is it something wrong with me since im almost ok with danny smoking pot (I mean im not ok, but I don't think its a reason for me to kick him out of the house for doing it), but im not ok with his dad calling him every day? for me his father is a bigger problem then pot! I can not fight it. I hate his dad more than drugs (hate is a very strong word for me). he sometimes calls danny every day, sometimes every other day. they talk about nothing. he can call early in the morning when we sleep having a day off, or late at night when we are going out. Ive been telling danny that I don't appreciate him calling so often. he used to call me too, but I changed my number and told danny not to give it to him. last time i talk to the gay over the phone in October, talking about danny smoking pot, and this guy changed the subject telling me that "I wanted to be clean, so I asked that therapist to help me, but she only wanted me to beng her, so every time we met for the therapy I beng her" WTF?! why do you want to tell me that when im crying about your sons smoking habit? and I can just go on and on about things he says. really weird dirty staff which I don't want to hear. 

so ive been asking my husband to talk with his dad and ask him not to call so often especially early in the morning, but I see that danny doesn't want to hurt his dads feeling by saying it to him. 2 weeks ago his dad called again on sunday morning, after I worked night shift in a hospital and just got home and fell a sleep, I woke up listening his dirty old voice and realized I want to leave my husband. I finally came to a conclusion that my husband will never see what I see in his dad. once again, I see addicts every day at my work and I deal with them there. but when I come home I don't want to deal with junkie calling my house. I don't want to go on Christmas family dinner, where suddenly everybody stop laughing and start searching for this old guys pills, cause he lost them. I truly think its ridiculous! he buys his pills on the street and then the whole family is searching for them. I just looked at that and was stoned. I love my husband very much, but im afraid I did a mistake by putting myself into addiction world. I should of known better. 
and what bothers me the most - I cant see us having a children... I just cant see my child growing up in a society like that where grandfather sais "ive been an addict my whole life so what" (he gave this statement to his niece on a first dinner I spent with them).
I told my husband that Im so sorry but Im going to leave him, he thought it was because of him smoking and I explained that I just cant stand his dad. and of course my husband turned on his manipulative voice that we ve been together for almost 4 years, he gave up his drug problem for me, he changed himself for me and now im saying that the problem is his dad...
I know I sound stupid. but again, I spent all this time thinking that I can get used to my FIL and I realized I cant. again, I never knew what an addiction is all about. I guess when people do drugs they are not just killing their body, but they do kill their brain!!! and I just don't like stupid people. 

thanks to anybody who will leave the comment. again, im sorry if I did mistakes in English!)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

One thing I learned over the years with # of friends that were addicts.

You cannot change them, unless they are willing to change themselves.

I abandoned them completely and refuse to make ANY contact (even if they cleaned up). 

And that's mostly on ME, because I was stupid enough to think I was being a good friend trying to improve their life/make it better. I cared WAY too much for them, and they cared NONE for me.

I was blind, but learned a valuable lesson.


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## kiss666 (Apr 16, 2014)

dear DoF
you are not the first one who said it to me... I work in a hospital and that's what I hear from the staff all the time, even before when I was working in the clinic - the same, a lot of people been saying to me that an addict will never care about me...
with my husband, I swear, I feel different. I do feel that he cares about me! not all the times of course, but it seems like he makes a little steps at a time.

or maybe its just my love made me blind?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

kiss666 said:


> or maybe its just my love made me blind?


No, you are simply thinking with your heart and not your brain.

CARE/LOVE is defined by ACTION, not words.

You have to learn to overwrite your heart (and especially private part thinking) with BRAIN thinking.

Your heart and private parts thinking can and DOES get MILLIONS of people into LOTS of trouble each and every day.

Also, when your husband said "I gave up drugs and changed life for you", PLEASE correct him.

He did it FOR HIMSELF, not you. You simply wouldn't be with him if he didn't do that (which I think was a bad idea on your part to begin with).

What you see, is what you get. You shouldn't have to expect or see a person change to your desire.


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## kiss666 (Apr 16, 2014)

how do I find a power in myself to leave him? 

he asks me all the time to stay with him. 

im afraid if I leave he will hurt himself badly, like he was doing before. im afraid I will blame myself for his actions.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

kiss666 said:


> how do I find a power in myself to leave him?


You face your fear and follow what you need to do to make your life better (for you and your children).

You can't possibly think that these family members won't have an effect on your kids, do you?



kiss666 said:


> he asks me all the time to stay with him.
> 
> im afraid if I leave he will hurt himself badly, like he was doing before. im afraid I will blame myself for his actions.


You are worrying about things that are completely out of your control. Don't do that.

Whatever he does, is on HIM. Not you. 

And staying because of above is completely asinine. I'm sorry.

But don't take my advice to the extreme. Remember, I can only go by what you stated. 

At the end of the day YOU have to make a decision for yourself.....assuming you even want to.

Always assume people don't change, cause truth is, most don't. What you have in front of you today, is what you get.

As far as your husband's addiction. Can you give me some examples of how pot effects him, person he is and your relationship?

I'll be honest here, I smoke (well, actually vaporize it) pot but I don't see it or feel that it effects my life greatly (but also realize that does effects me in some ways). 

It's not really about what the person does, it's about what the person does that effects their life and loved ones. 

Can you give us some examples?

Although I feel that I'm a responsible person while doing pot, I also know MANY people that are effected GREATLY by pot as well.


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