# Wife divulging to others....feeling betrayed



## logic-lost (Nov 20, 2014)

So...I am feeling TREMENDOUSLY betrayed...and in many ways stunned.

My BPDw...has always been HIGHLY enmeshed to this day to her Mother.
It seems to be a VERY toxic BPD mother to BPD daughter scenario.
As the years go on...that enmeshment has actually flared upward when her BPD has.

I have long known/suspected that she is perhaps talking way too far out of turn about our marriage and me to her.

So - recently - I came home early form work, and could hear her talking on phone upstairs.
The tone and tenor was highly animated. She was talking to her Mom.
About OUR marriage. About her issues with me.
What made me the most nauseous...was it was as though she was discussing all of it so impersonal...detached... like I was a thing...as though I was the hated "neighbor"..or "co-worker"....
BUT I am her HUSBAND. I was almost ILL.
AND these things/issues ...are NOWHERE CLOSE...to anything severe. Nothing terrible.

AND here is the thing...the stunning thing.... she was completely changing the stories.
Flat out running through these issues...and retelling them to make me the bad guy.

She would say..."yea..i stopped going to do XYZ...because he wanted me to"....
AND I NEVEFR EVEN KNEW she was doing XYZ!

She would say 'I decided to quit XYZ because I wanted her to..."
I supported her and said she should KEEP DOING XYZ!

And ...on...and ...on....

So...I am feeling VERY betrayed.

Again -these are NOT earth shattering or abusive,substance, off the wall issues.

WHAT do I come away thinking?
HOW can a spouse do this? WHY WOULD she be OK to do this?
WHAT does this say about OUR bond?
HOW do I get over this?

PLEASE weigh in....very very shattered by this. (am I overreacting?)

What does her ability to do this mean or say?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It means you should divorce her ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

First things first, you have to talk to her about it. I see you probably want to sort things out in your own head before confronting her, but the reality is that you won't get any answers from anyone but your wife.

If she isn't aware that you have a problem with her discussing your marriage with other people, then you should make this very clear. 

Secondly, you need to tell her what you heard and ask her if this is what she believes to be true or if she knows she is making things up. You need to know whether she is going to own up to lying or if she's deluded enough to believe her own version of events. Where you go from there is a big question. If she admits to lying, she needs to give you a reason for the lies. If she believes her own version, then there's not much you can do when you live in different realities.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Everything we hear on here is from one person's perspective. I am not surprised that your wife would give her perspective to someone she obviously has great trust in: her mother.

Being transparent with her about this issue would be helpful. Trying to see how her version might seem truthful to her is another good step.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Has your wife actually been diagnosed with BPD? 

If so, surely you understand that this behavior is part and parcel of her personality disorder. What does it mean? It means she was splitting you black, as is common for BPDers. Do some more reading/research about your wife's disorder, so that you understand what you're dealing with and aren't surprised by behaviors common to BPD. 

If strong BPD traits aren't something you're prepared to accept, then it might be best to divorce. Whether or not she has a disorder, she's treating you badly and isn't behaving in ways that you find acceptable. It's time to set some boundaries regarding what you will and will not tolerate, and learn to enforce those boundaries. Because you're not going to change her, so the only one here you can control is yourself. Figure out if this is the way you want to live.


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## logic-lost (Nov 20, 2014)

Hi Rowan.

Well sort of diagnosed.
My wife (as have read MANY pwBPD do) is completely unable to look inside herself and/or think there is anything wrong with her.
EVERYTHING and ANYTHING...she even DOES see ...she blames on or claims was caused by OTHERS.
So the chance she submits to a testing for BPD - is near imposible.
THAT said. We have bounced from Marriage counselor to Marriage counselor ...and it always wound up the same.SHE would get FURIOUS with the counselor....and we would never go back.

In 2 occasions though...they confided in me ...without saying BPD...that she is XYZ....and the definition is exactly what makes up the diagnosis. I also understand that therapists - especially marriage therapists...ar HIGHLY reticent to open up the BPD can of worms.

I can tell you...I am NOT a person who is "pinning" to put this diagnosis on her. (the opposite). I am NOT a person who is trying to see her as ill...(the OPPOSITE)...

But it is VERY clear that BPD is exactly what is being showcased. 

I want to thank you again for your post.
It was very direct..very genuine...
I really appreciate that.


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## logic-lost (Nov 20, 2014)

So jld.

I fully understand that on these boards people consciously or unconsciously "skew" stories.
The emotions are high - and the subject matter is so visceral.

I have been transparent about the issue.
She used to consistently lie about it.

She can do - what she wants to do. I cannot stop that.
I can feel that it provides very significant harm. To her ...to me...to our marriage.

Certainly, any advice given would be skewed. I found it VERY troubling that much of what was being said were simply lies. Made up. No tow ways about it and not a matter of interpretation.
So - the question was..why?

It was always - in areas -that seemed to be one in which my wife did not want to "own up" to either the reality OR the admittance of something to her mother.

A "why did you not do XYZ"...became ME giving her a hard time about it. When in reality...I not only had nothing to DO with it...but did not even KNOW about it.

So THAT is even MORE disturbing. Let's just say for a mooment we suspend the argument about whether it is wise to go to parent like this.

And only look at WHY...if one does...do they MAKE THINGS UP.

At that point it is either delusional - or if not - very hurtful.
And to then lie about it...puts it into a whole new place.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you take a stand and mean it? I wonder how she views you? How motivated is she to please you? I was short earlier because this situation is ridiculous.

Marriage is about giving but also expecting. How is she living up to her responsibilities as your wife? Do you let her know in no uncertain terms?

Maybe you are too much of a nice guy?

No condition is an excuse to behave like she is unless clinically insane and then shame on you for marrying her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

logic-lost said:


> We have bounced from Marriage counselor to Marriage counselor ...and it always wound up the same. SHE would get FURIOUS with the counselor....and we would never go back.


Logic, my experience is that -- because a BPDer's issues go far beyond a lack of communication skills -- going to a MC is a total waste of time and money when the spouse is an untreated BPDer. I spent a small fortune taking my BPDer exW to 3 MCs and 6 psychologists in weekly sessions for 15 years -- all to no avail.



> I also understand that therapists - especially marriage therapists...ar HIGHLY reticent to open up the BPD can of worms.


Yes, that is my understanding also. And it is my experience. It is well known -- both within and outside the psychiatric community -- that therapists generally are LOATH to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of her disorder.



> But it is VERY clear that BPD is exactly what is being showcased.


Of course, you cannot diagnose your W. Only a professional can do that. But you should be capable of spotting all the BPD warning signs that are occurring. That is, you should be able to tell where she is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum without knowing whether she satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. There is nothing subtle about BPD traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim."

If you are interested, I list the classic red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Logic.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

logic-lost said:


> Hi Rowan.
> 
> Well sort of diagnosed.
> My wife (as have read MANY pwBPD do) is completely unable to look inside herself and/or think there is anything wrong with her.
> ...


They can never be wrong in there heads and become professional victims. Owning a decision for them seems to be near impossible so they deflect everything onto others. She quit, yet you made her quit as example.

Typically once confronted or they cant twist the story then you will get anger. Its just another form of deflection really. They will rewrite history on anyone or anything to fit the storyline playing out that they want.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

She doesn't think highly of you! :redcard: You need to let her have it or she's going to walk, I mean _stomp_ all over you


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

logic,

lets stick to what you know not what you think, I'm not a doctor and i am guessing neither are you, i say this because regardless of what your wife is or is not is that the real issue, the real issue is that you over heard her do two things 
1. Disrespect you to her mother, in a manner that breaks down your self-esteem, and your partnership in this marriage
2. she fabricated stories that seem to make her point more believable to her mother. 

both of these are what you should address, i would call her on the carpet on those too item and expect her to address how she will resolve it to your satisfaction or you should be ready to terminate the relationship. no one (husband or wives) she be treated in such a manner.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

it's not like you tapped her phone. You overhead her in your own house. I would have zero problem confronting my spouse about something like that. Especially given the manner you were made aware of these things. She can't be mad that you have the ability to hear!


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## logic-lost (Nov 20, 2014)

> They can never be wrong in there heads and become professional victims. Owning a decision for them seems to be near impossible so they deflect everything onto others. She quit, yet you made her quit as example.
> 
> Typically once confronted or they cant twist the story then you will get anger. Its just another form of deflection really. They will rewrite history on anyone or anything to fit the storyline playing out that they want.


WOW...Honcho - This is EXACTLY what it feels like...always. Completely.
Damn. I could NOT have written that better.


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## logic-lost (Nov 20, 2014)

Conan - 

Thank you

I am really beginning to think...shame on me.

And any logic...is not working anymore...it is (as my user name denotes) pretty much gone....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Alot of normal womanly behavior is diagnosed as some mental disease.

Have you heard this joke? 

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around to hear it, is the husband still wrong?

Wives tend to blame husbands for things.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

logic-lost said:


> So jld.
> 
> I fully understand that on these boards people consciously or unconsciously "skew" stories.
> The emotions are high - and the subject matter is so visceral.
> ...


OP, I did not mean to make you doubt yourself. If there is a lying problem, of course it must be confronted. I myself would not feel comfortable being married to a liar.

But there are differences in interpretation.

Early on in my relationship with my husband, we went to visit my sister. I recounted something my husband had told me.

My husband said, "No, I didn't say that! I said . . ."

And my sister turned to him and said, "And to J, that means . . ."

I really appreciated her defending me. It always seemed to me that Dh was winning arguments, and somewhat silencing me, just because I couldn't defend myself very well. It made me resentful, but I couldn't figure out why.

I think what my sister said gave DH some pause. He started to see that I wasn't trying to misrepresent him, just that we understood things differently.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this issue. I really hope that you can resolve it to your mutual satisfaction soon.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

logic-lost said:


> Conan -
> 
> Thank you
> 
> ...


Trying to put rational or logical thought against her illogical/irrational thought will get you nowhere unfortunately. Often the harder you try the harder they fight it. 

You just spin yourself in a frustrating circle.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't know anything about BPD but I have known people like this. I don't know that there is a 'solution'. As we all know people only change when they acknowledge their behaviour is wrong and decide to change it. A person who refuses to accept their own culpability is not going to be motivated to change. 

I can only think the underlying issue is extreme low self esteem. Blaming others for every ill outcome allows a person not to feel any worse about themselves.


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## logic-lost (Nov 20, 2014)

> As we all know people only change when they acknowledge their behaviour is wrong and decide to change it. A person who refuses to accept their own culpability is not going to be motivated to change.


Thank you Martime.
Alas...one of the real absolutes that reverberate.

No matter HOW MUCH we want to see change and no matter HOW MUCH we try....


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