# Worried about the new year



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Happy New Year folks,

Last night on New Years eve I felt very afraid of what my life holds going foreward. I was fine on Thanksgiving and Christmas but last night I really became depressed thinking about the future. I tried to think about the positive things. My cheating, undependable, liar of a wife has been out of the house for two months and I am happy she is gone, but sad our 20 year marriage didn't make it. I have two very good kids here at home with me. I get to keep the house (of course I have to buy her out), most of our friends are sticking with me because of her actions so I still have a social life. I have a good job and a couple hobbies I enjoy.

So why so sad? I was speaking with a friend a couple of days ago, she was the girlfriend of the guy my wife is currently with. We have known each other for 15 years and she knows how my brain works. She told me she is worried about me, she said I need to learn to NOT look for lies and deceit in others. I know she is right but after all those years of being lied too and deceived I am not sure how to change. I spent the last few years always being on guard, looking for holes in my wife's story, putting facts together to see if things added up right, and they usually didn't.

So going foreward with my life how do I learn to trust and depend on another again? I am so afraid if I find one inconsitancy in what someone tells or they let me down one time me it will finish it for me. I have two brothers who have been married and divorced a couple times each, both have been alone for years because they just gave up on trying. What if I end up like that? I am a good person who has a lot to offer to a woman and a relationship, I DO NOT want to spend the rest of my life alone. 

I guess only time will tell how this story will end, I so much want it to be a happy ending. 

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to rely on your friends. And their advice if you were to find a girl. Then if you have concerns run it past them before you ask her. I do suggest you go into the next relationship with your eyes wide open. One of the things I do suggest is that you run credit reports on each other, If it looks like you are getting serious. You can tell a lot by a persons credit report. For all you know the next lady might be just as worried about getting hurt as you. In truth you are a real catch. You've shown that you can be in a stable relationship. That it was your wife who was the cheater. You have so much in common with a host of women out there. You can probably find someone who has gone through the same situation and knows what you have suffered. Some of my suggestions may seem off the wall. But hey its one opinion.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks for your reply and thoughts.

I have shaken off the depression over the course of the day, not sure why things hit me so hard last night. I guess just thinking of all those people celebrating the start of a new year while I was home alone got to me.

I know I am a good man, a good husband, a good parent, and a good partner, somehow I ended up with a woman who had no values, morals or class. I am not, or claim to be perfect but I do work on myself everyday, trying to be the best person I can. But being a good catch doesn't mean I will find love again. I am 48 years old and have only been in love twice, my high school girlfriend who I dated for four years, and then my wife who I married when I was 28. There were other girls between them, mostly short relationships but a couple of two year relationships, but I just never fell in love. I am true and honest to a fault and if I don't truly believe it I will not say it. This is why I am afraid of the future, will doubts always prevent me from giving up my heart again? I don't need a woman to take care of me , I am a very capable man. I need a woman who wants to be a partner with me in life, the good and bad, the happy and the sad, every day life. Will I spend the rest of my life searching? I am not afraid of being alone but I am afraid of being lonely. I have a lot of life left to live and I hope to find someone to share it with.

I thinks I may just think to much!

Cooper


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

Cooper - divorce recovery time frames - if you really do them properly - are very big. As a learning experience for myself, I attended a divorce recovery programme with a friend a few years back. I would not hold everyone to the time frames given then, but what they said was that ideally a man should not consider entering another relationshop for a good 6-8 years if he doesn't want to drag baggage from the last relationship into the new relationship. You still have a huge amount of processing and grieving to do, sir. you need to find yourself again first, work through the sense of betrayal, work through anger at yourself that this happened ( not your fault - except one inevitably feels angry at oneself for not somehow 'knowing" this would be the outcome, and ever getting married in the first place!) 

So be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself. Give yourself time, and trust yourself to heal, however long it takes, and be prepared for moments when it all rises to the fore. It comes in little doses that can be managed and is often circular - you will come round to the same point and reprocess at a new level. The mind does it's level best to protect us and keep us functional, so work with it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Oh you will be great you sound like a great guy! I think that time heals all. And I think that you will come out a better person! I believe that everything happends for a reason. And I am sure you will go into your next relationship with caution. But you have to trust again and remember that they arent your ex dont let her damage you for your next relationship.


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