# Please help me guys... I really need your advice...



## kimkrys1 (Oct 28, 2009)

Hi, This is my first post here and first time on this website. I really hope you guys can help me. I need to know if what happened last night is justifiable through the eyes of another man... I would like to also be able to talk to someone about this. I dont mean to intrude on a Man's Only forum, but I'm desperate.

Last night, I tried to initiate sex (which I NEVER DO) while my husband was playing a football video game in our living room. I walked in naked and bent to kiss him. He kissed me but then grunted and moved so he could watch what was happening on t.v. he then looked up at me and said "OH NOW you CANT be mad at me!" I just went to bed. This is NOT the first time this has happened. I told him last time that I felt like he was rejecting me. He cant understand that. I would think most men would DIE for their wives to walk out naked for the "taking". He complains that I dont initiate sex, but when I do he turns it down. I didnt argue last night and he tried to initiate it AFTER he finished his game. I was obviously not in the mood. He told me today that I knew what would happen and that I shouldnt set myself up for that. I told him that I shouldnt be the last choice of things to do. After he has done everything else that he enjoys THEN he comes to me after I'm tired and asleep and not in the mood... its always when he wants it never when I want it... how can I not feel like I am being rejected? Is this normal? Please someone help me because I am feeling kinda low right now.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I hope you don't mind a response from a woman...

I would feel rejected, too. From what I've read (and my husband is this way too) men are very focused when they are doing something, whereas women are better able to multi-task and switch gears as needed...If you can imagine that your husband was not rejecting you, but his full attention was somewhere else at the time and not 'wired' to re-direct his attention on the fly, you may not take it so personal. 

I would suggest 2 things....1) don't stop initiating even though it's got you down 2) next time you initiate...don't surprise him...give him hints during the day that you have plans for 9pm or whatever and he better be ready...

basically, set your self up for success and see how it flies. If all goes well, you can be more spontaneous with initiating, but not while he's in the middle of something else.


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## kimkrys1 (Oct 28, 2009)

Thank you for your response. Men and women are SSOO different and I am learning that in more ways than one. Your advice has helped and hopefully I will get over this feeling of rejection soon... I hate that feeling!! I will take your advice to heart.. thanks again


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

swedish said:


> I would suggest 2 things....1) don't stop initiating even though it's got you down 2) next time you initiate...don't surprise him...give him hints during the day that you have plans for 9pm or whatever and he better be ready...


:iagree:

Letting your hubby think about this throughout the day should get a much more positive response. Maybe even a naughty email or text close to the time when he is close to coming home from work or an outing.

I can understand how much that kind of a rejection can hurt. I do agree with Swedish that we can be less flexible than women but that's no excuse for the rude retort. If he really wanted to finish the game he should have at least found a better way to express it. There is a pause button after all. 

I would also sit down with him and explain how this rejection made you feel and how it could impede you from trying again in the future. If he wants to have you initiate more he needs to be receptive and have empathy to you. If he tries the "now you know how it feels" routine, it is simply not the same. You are trying to improve your relationship with you husband by initiating sex and he rejected you for it. You are trying to change a behavior or pattern and rejection will only make you more uncomfortable with doing it because of a fear of rejection. Explain it to him.

To answer your question, no I don't think it is a normal thing to be rejected by your husband this way or for this reason.


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## kimkrys1 (Oct 28, 2009)

Amp, I want to have a happy ending to this thread... but I dont think I will, see this has happened a couple of times before and it never ended well when I tried to talk about it rationally. He says I'm being over sensitive and that all I had to do was sit down until he finished the game (which he did tell me to do).. he then starts in about a time and place for everything.. 

Would this be worth seperating over? I love him so much, but so often I think he is just a big selfish baby.. . which I was warned about before we married, but he is a good man and holds down a job... I cant say he hasnt cheated because he has... Could he be thinking about her and that is why he was rejecting me? I want to be able to tell the world about the wonderful man I have, but I cant..not today... but I KNOW he is good he has proven it to me...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

kimkrys1 said:


> I want to have a happy ending to this thread... but I dont think I will, see this has happened a couple of times before and it never ended well when I tried to talk about it rationally.


I would really suggest trying when you know you've got his full attention...get a few successes under your belt.


kimkrys1 said:


> I cant say he hasnt cheated because he has... Could he be thinking about her and that is why he was rejecting me?


I am sorry to hear this. IMO that's not where his thoughts were...they were probably on completing the pass or recovering the fumble. How long ago did he cheat? Do you think he showed remorse? Has your marriage moved forward since this happened?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not to be a flamer, I am sorry he rejected you. However, did you deliberately pick a time when he was highly focused on some activity as a test of whether he will have sex with you or not?

What if he tried a similar test?

Oprah's on, has a guest who's about to reveal how to save 50 percent on buying designer clothes, call in the next 15 seconds....

In walks your H naked as a jaybird and kissing your neck.

You don't respond quickly enough and he then leaves the room convinced you pick a tv show over him.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

michzz, you make a very valid and clear point. kimk, I hope you did not pick this particular moment to test him. That would be cruel. I really think it just did not cross your mind when you put yourself out there for him.

HOWEVER, if my wife did that to me, I would jump her in a NY minute even no matter what was going on. Anyway, that's just me. LOL! But I can see how it is very possible that he was just very into the game and he felt like he had an akward moment with you there naked and, well, basically, he blew it and chose wrong.

Give him another chance when conditions are different. Maybe while he is doing some chores or something.


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## Icannotsleep (Oct 28, 2009)

I take it he loves his games.
I understand how you felt hurt. But did you pick that time as a test?

I wouldnt take this to heart, not knowing how intense his concentration was at the time. Perhaps he was moments away from achieving something important in the game. It does happen!

I would say, you should try again, when he is not so concentrated on something for a better result. Certainly before you make any rash decisions about your life together.

Spontaneity is the spice of life. But nobody likes spontaneous combustion! Soemtimes its just not the right time to catch fire. Wait till your underwater!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Many of the men who post on this site complain about lack of sex and in general lack of harmony in their marriages. 

I am very lucky - married a great woman 20 years ago. Still love her like crazy - still can't keep my hands off her - and she still lets me run my hands all over her. 

More to the point - my wife treats me great partly because she knows she is MY highest priority. As to your question. No matter what I am doing, if my wife asks me for sex I stop what I am doing - hop in a quick shower - and then do the best I can to bring her the rapture. 

For more background - we have a great sex life so I don't feel starved. Not at all. But when I ask her for sex - she is great about it - so I simply try to respond in kind. I could be in the middle of the best level in ps3, call of duty 4 - best game ever written - wife walks in says baby what are you doing - with that little smile she has - and I put the controller down and say - what a delightful surprise - lets play. 





kimkrys1 said:


> Hi, This is my first post here and first time on this website. I really hope you guys can help me. I need to know if what happened last night is justifiable through the eyes of another man... I would like to also be able to talk to someone about this. I dont mean to intrude on a Man's Only forum, but I'm desperate.
> 
> Last night, I tried to initiate sex (which I NEVER DO) while my husband was playing a football video game in our living room. I walked in naked and bent to kiss him. He kissed me but then grunted and moved so he could watch what was happening on t.v. he then looked up at me and said "OH NOW you CANT be mad at me!" I just went to bed. This is NOT the first time this has happened. I told him last time that I felt like he was rejecting me. He cant understand that. I would think most men would DIE for their wives to walk out naked for the "taking". He complains that I dont initiate sex, but when I do he turns it down. I didnt argue last night and he tried to initiate it AFTER he finished his game. I was obviously not in the mood. He told me today that I knew what would happen and that I shouldnt set myself up for that. I told him that I shouldnt be the last choice of things to do. After he has done everything else that he enjoys THEN he comes to me after I'm tired and asleep and not in the mood... its always when he wants it never when I want it... how can I not feel like I am being rejected? Is this normal? Please someone help me because I am feeling kinda low right now.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

yeah i'm with mem.

when my woman lets me know she desires me, i let the good times roll.

no questions asked, doesn't matter what i'm doing.

it's such an amazing feeling to be desired with such urgency, and that feeling needs to be celebrated.

your man apparently has his unique sense of priorities.

i don't get it, but whatever, i guess.

so, if this is the worse problem in your marriage, adjust, as others have suggested.


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## kimkrys1 (Oct 28, 2009)

swedish said:


> I would really suggest trying when you know you've got his full attention...get a few successes under your belt.
> 
> I am sorry to hear this. IMO that's not where his thoughts were...they were probably on completing the pass or recovering the fumble. How long ago did he cheat? Do you think he showed remorse? Has your marriage moved forward since this happened?


Swedish, Thanks so much for your inputs.. maybe I was setting myself up for defeat... I pictured him throwing the remote down and pulling me to him... OK I will try to do this again when I know I have his attention... but sometimes I want to surprise him...

He cheated on me earlier this year with an ex girlfriend that was his first love.. they were together once and he said he couldnt finish and just left.. he did show remorse and asked for my forgiveness and admitted his wrong doing (which he never does)... I am working through it.. putting it behind me, but it does come up.

THanks so much for your advice..


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## kimkrys1 (Oct 28, 2009)

michzz said:


> Not to be a flamer, I am sorry he rejected you. However, did you deliberately pick a time when he was highly focused on some activity as a test of whether he will have sex with you or not?
> 
> What if he tried a similar test?
> 
> ...



You are right.. I see it now... but dont guys drop what they are doing to make love to their woman or is that only in the movies?


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## kimkrys1 (Oct 28, 2009)

brighterlight said:


> michzz, you make a very valid and clear point. kimk, I hope you did not pick this particular moment to test him. That would be cruel. I really think it just did not cross your mind when you put yourself out there for him.
> 
> HOWEVER, if my wife did that to me, I would jump her in a NY minute even no matter what was going on. Anyway, that's just me. LOL! But I can see how it is very possible that he was just very into the game and he felt like he had an akward moment with you there naked and, well, basically, he blew it and chose wrong.
> 
> Give him another chance when conditions are different. Maybe while he is doing some chores or something.



Hi... no I didnt intentionally do it at that moment... I did give him hints before I went to get "ready"... 

And yes he has started kissing my neck while I was in the middle of cooking and couldnt leave the stove and it was very frustrating because I couldnt just leave... 

Thanks for your input!


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## timeagain (Oct 30, 2009)

I believe you should try to find out about his fantasy, talk about sex with him, read him an article on it...and as long as his fantasy is good for the both of you try to initiate that way....just my opinion.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

What I wouldn't give for my wife to do that at any time while I was busy doing anything. To know that she desires me is over the top erotic. Alas, no with my wife.


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## Nigel Heath (Oct 31, 2009)

Kimkrys1
Timing is everything!
Subtle hints, even about sex may miss their mark, sounds like your man probably doesn't do subtle!
When he starts kissing your neck at the stove give him some options - "Do you want burnt dinner or what?" If he replies "What" turn the stove off or set up a date for a little later if you need time to get yourself in the right mood!
Generally, and I know some of the men on here are exceptions, men don't like to talk about relationship stuff. They will talk about sex and asking him what he would like is a good place to start. If it's something you don't want to do, offer an alternative rather than just saying no.
As you will have gathered from some of the replies so far your idea of being the initiator is basically sound, just needs some fine tuning on timing. Good luck.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

swedish, in response to the following:

From what I've read (and my husband is this way too) men are very focused when they are doing something, whereas women are better able to multi-task and switch gears as needed...If you can imagine that your husband was not rejecting you, but his full attention was somewhere else at the time and not 'wired' to re-direct his attention on the fly, you may not take it so personal. 

I agree with you swedish, that us "menfolk" are very focused, but let me let you in on a little secret...sex is what we are very focused on. I realize that I can only speak for myself, and arguably there is variation across the species that is man, but "come on" most of us guys have dreams like that. What I wouldn't give for my wife to care enough to try to seduce me. She was rejected swedish, and it was a rejection of epic, almost biblical proportions. For a man to deny sex with his wife for a video game, that's more than "just a lung spot on a CT scan", it's the friggin kiss of marital death. My experience tells me that when my dog doesn't eat, it's because someone else has fed him...recently.

I really am sorry to write this kimkrys1, and I hope this turns out well. However, with his hx of infidelity, you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart, pronto. LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Playing video game NOT EQUAL to making dinner. I don't ask my wife to stop cooking and come play - that is crazy. 

Responses to situations are not symmetrical cross gender. A man is trained to pursue and learns to deal with some level of rejection - yes even from our wives. Women however, are trained to expect pursuit, while some are able to get past their cultural conditioning and pursue the man, this requires more emotional effort and in addition it HURTS THEM MORE when they are rejected. A man rejecting you - that is the opposite of what should happen. 

So just about no matter what I don't reject my wife. The only exception is when I literally cannot keep up. Like if she initiates more then twice in one day - I cannot perform 3 times in one day. And no matter what - when this kind of thing happens I apologize repeatedly and sincerely and then I show her lots of extra attention over the next few days - sexual and otherwise. 




Nigel Heath said:


> Kimkrys1
> Timing is everything!
> Subtle hints, even about sex may miss their mark, sounds like your man probably doesn't do subtle!
> When he starts kissing your neck at the stove give him some options - "Do you want burnt dinner or what?" If he replies "What" turn the stove off or set up a date for a little later if you need time to get yourself in the right mood!
> ...


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Sometimes my wife surprises me by coming down stairs in her expensive underwear and high heels and nothing else. I'm afraid it is an instant attention grabber for me (and she knows it ;-)) something's just can't be ignored I'm afraid!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

I'm puzzling over his comment about "you knew what would happen and shouldn't set yourself up like that..."

What exactly does that mean? Has he ever told you before that he would prefer you don't try to initiate when he is watching a game?

If I knew dh was really into a program or that he had been looking forward to a game, I'd leave him alone, but if he regularly gets offended just because the tv is on, that's a big problem. Especially if he complains you don't initiate sex, then when you do, he rejects you? That makes no sense.

People trump tv's, period, in my opinion.

If Oprah was on I'd pray my dh would come stuff his equipment in my face. I can't stand that show.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi kim I would say that yes most men would love that I know I would drop whatever I was doing 
To take care of some bizness however I also like it when the spouse is giving hints all 
Day long
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

kimnkrys,

forgot to suggest...is it possible he likes the feeling of control he gets having you initiate and then rejecting you?


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> kimnkrys,
> 
> forgot to suggest...is it possible he likes the feeling of control he gets having you initiate and then rejecting you?


Most men are not that clever or scheming. I doubt it's power thing. Might be, but likely not. 

I would suggest Kimnkrys agree to a specific time for sex w/ the hubby. Plan your sex. Make a date. You should have his attention then. 

That being said, no video game is gonna keep me away from a naked woman.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

"Most men are not that clever or scheming." :rofl:


You're right; that's women.


"That being said, no video game is gonna keep me away from a naked woman"

Not even Pong? Little balls can be quite mesmerizing...


I just find it odd that he would complain about her not initiating and then reject when she does, game or no.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> ".
> 
> I just find it odd that he would complain about her not initiating and then reject when she does, game or no.


He's a stupid man. Good men know that you never ever turn a woman down who's offering up sex.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

I would have turned you down too, and I have plenty of drive.

If my wife knew that I was interested in a ball game and had made plans to watch it and then came strutting in wearing her best do me outfit, I would have patted her on the a$$ and sent her packing on principle. She likely would have been teed off as as well:lol:

Given your husband's recent infidelity, wasn't this a test? I would suggest a deeper dive with him here - about the affair, his needs, your needs, etc. Affairs make the BS feel insecure and inadequate. Communicate and keep on communicating. He needs to support you and be completely honest with you if he wants the marriage to improve and you to recover.

Did you talk to anyone after the affair? IC may help you work through these feelings and also move some boundaries around with your husband that could help this situation.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

I Know said:


> He's a stupid man. Good men know that you never ever turn a woman down who's offering up sex.


This is funny, but I don't think it should be that rare of a commodity in a good relationship.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

Your husband is an a$$.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I feel so bad for you; when I was married (technically still am, but separated) I remember my wife coming home late at night from her best friend's house; my wife was in the mood, woke me up to get it on. I LOVED THAT!!! I remember telling her If I'm dreaming please don't wake me up.


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## Screenp2 (Dec 4, 2011)

Hold on folks.. this is a 3 year old thread that Nigel dug up and replied to. 

I'd bet the OP isn't active anymore or has moved on from this situation.


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## Frustrated Man (Apr 2, 2012)

Old thread or not. I sure wish my wife would do something like that.
Any man that has a woman that will do something like that? Pay attention to her!!!!!!!!!!! You are very fortunate to have a woman like that.


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