# Unsure



## marvelmanchris (Jun 25, 2017)

My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years relationship has been good but we had an issue about a year ago. Found out she was talking to a guy she use to date from high school they lost contact and hooked up again before we were dating. Anyway she still had this guys contact info in her phone and they would talk and text every now and then she would also initiate the conversation. When I confronted her she told me he was just a friend they went to prom and that was it. Fast forward 2 years later I find out she lied about their relationship it was more than that it was sexual. But this was after high school of course. I'm deeply upset that she was still contacting someone she had sex with not only that but initiate it as well. And then lie to me about her relationship with this guy. She was carrying our child while she was reaching out to him and even after the pregnancy she continued to contact him. It stopped after I ed her out about it. 

Now I feel like I can't trust her. She didn't care about how I would feel while talking to this guy, she said it was just as friends but we all know things like that always start out friendly and turns into something else. And we're supposed to get married in November. I really wanna call the wedding off and just split ways. I'm not even sure if she's talking to this guy anymore she says she's not. But again my trust for her is shot.

She definitely wouldn't like it if I was talking to some girl I had a sexual relationship with.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay. She minimized and gaslighted you about her interaction with him over a period of time. You're not falling for it. Good for you. 

What is your question? 

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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

She is not over him. She did not tell you the truth about their relationship. How did you found out that their relationship was sexual as well? How did they broke up? She initiates reaching out to him. She is hoping for more. I wouldn't marry her as of yet, although you already have a child. Sorry you are here.


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## marvelmanchris (Jun 25, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> Okay. She minimized and gaslighted you about her interaction with him over a period of time. You're not falling for it. Good for you.
> 
> What is your question?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk




I'm unsure of what I should do. Should I try and make it work?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What do you know about boundaries?

What does she know about boundaries?


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## marvelmanchris (Jun 25, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What do you know about boundaries?
> 
> 
> 
> What does she know about boundaries?




What are you implying? 

I know I wouldn't talk to someone I had sex with, I know I would never put myself in a situation in which I knew it would hurt her. 


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The marriage should definitely be delayed at a minimum. She has earned losing her wedding date, at least temporarily.

I would put it to her like this:

"Fiance, you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy. I will not marry a woman who messages old boyfriends and then lies about it. For that reason, our marriage date will no longer be in November, and will be left open. It is now up to you to show me you have earned adequate trust for me to marry you."


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:

Please do not start multiple threads on the same subject. It is a violation of forum rules.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

marvelmanchris said:


> I'm unsure of what I should do. Should I try and make it work?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How could it work if she hasn't let go of that relationship? 

There is only room for two people in a marriage, not three. 

Have you expressed that to her? Does she understand how you view it? How long has it been since she contacted him? 

@Emerging Buddhist asked a question about boundaries. Boundaries protect a relationship. They are not there to control someone, they are there to protect each of you. 

She doesn't seem to have the same boundary as you. That doesn't bode well long term.


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## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have to communicate to her where your boundaries lie regarding her communicating with exes. Obviously, if she would let you do it, or it is a boundary for her, then she should also show you reciprocal respect. If she cannot, then you may have to delay the marriage, get PMC, and if it doesn't work, move on. Sorry you are having problems. Good luck.


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## marvelmanchris (Jun 25, 2017)

TiredHubby2791 said:


> You have to communicate to her where your boundaries lie regarding her communicating with exes. Obviously, if she would let you do it, or it is a boundary for her, then she should also show you reciprocal respect. If she cannot, then you may have to delay the marriage, get PMC, and if it doesn't work, move on. Sorry you are having problems. Good luck.




We've talked and she's sorry although not sure if she's sincere about it. But she's stated that she would be upset if I did that to her. It really pains me to know that she did this without ever taking my feelings into consideration. 


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

marvelmanchris said:


> What are you implying?
> 
> I know I wouldn't talk to someone I had sex with, I know I would never put myself in a situation in which I knew it would hurt her.
> 
> ...


Please do not be defensive... I was not accusing you of anything.

Right now she is crossing a boundary of yours, that is why it is so troubling.

You may have not stated it, but it's presence is foremost in this short thread so far.

How could you share this boundary with her so that she understands it's importance?

I am only seeking what you understand about deploying and maintaining boundaries.


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## marvelmanchris (Jun 25, 2017)

We've had conversations in which we've shared each other's boundaries not sure why she would do such a thing. It's common sense to me. 


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

marvelmanchris said:


> We've had conversations in which we've shared each other's boundaries not sure why she would do such a thing. It's common sense to me


The point here is... did she learn from it and is it (him) in the past? That's what you want to know, isn't it? 



TiredHubby2791 said:


> You have to communicate to her where your boundaries lie regarding her communicating with exes. Obviously, if she would let you do it, or it is a boundary for her, then she should also show you reciprocal respect. If she cannot, then you may have to delay the marriage, get PMC, and if it doesn't work, move on. Sorry you are having problems. Good luck.


:iagree: 

Get some premarital counseling and get this sorted out before you marry. It would do you both good to gain some insight.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

marvelmanchris said:


> We've had conversations in which we've shared each other's boundaries not sure why she would do such a thing. It's common sense to me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's common sense to anyone except those who have poor boundaries, like your gf. 

So you must EXPLICITLY state what you are and are not OK with. 

She needs to block him and write a NC letter with your supervision, if she hasn't already. 

Ex's are ex's for a reason. They are X'ed.


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## marvelmanchris (Jun 25, 2017)

Satya said:


> It's common sense to anyone except those who have poor boundaries, like your gf.
> 
> So you must EXPLICITLY state what you are and are not OK with.
> 
> ...




What's an nc letter


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> How could it work if she hasn't let go of that relationship?
> 
> There is only room for two people in a marriage, not three.
> 
> ...


AW, the only problem is this:

She wouldn't be hiding and lying about it if she didn't know he wasn't okay with it.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

marvelmanchris said:


> We've had conversations in which we've shared each other's boundaries not sure why she would do such a thing. It's common sense to me.


As others have recommended, it would most likely be wise to postpone until you have this clarity.

How negotiable is this for you?

Boundaries of what you accept or do not accept shouldn't waiver greatly although change will complicate them... in many cases they are either fully met, fully removed, or the source of the boundary's enactment fully let go.

You will suffer in any negotiation of these, that is why the understanding of them needs to be crystal clear for both in the relationship.


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## marvelmanchris (Jun 25, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> As others have recommended, it would most likely be wise to postpone until you have this clarity.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I told her that the wedding should be cancelled at this time. I just don't feel it's the right thing to do right now. 


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> AW, the only problem is this:
> 
> She wouldn't be hiding and lying about it if she didn't know he wasn't okay with it.


Agreed. 

I was under the impression she stopped since his confrontation a year ago, and they have not properly dealt with what happened since then...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> I was under the impression she stopped since his confrontation a year ago, and they have not properly dealt with what happened since then...


Can you clarify this, OP?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> AW, the only problem is this:
> 
> She wouldn't be hiding and lying about it if she didn't know he wasn't okay with it.


This is true... to be trusted is to be honest.

To be honest is to be open.

To be open is to be truthful.

Mindful truth needs few boundaries.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

marvelmanchris said:


> What's an nc letter
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



It is a No Contact letter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> AW, the only problem is this:
> 
> She wouldn't be hiding and lying about it if she didn't know he wasn't okay with it.


:iagree:

And it means she knew she was doing wrong.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> The marriage should definitely be delayed at a minimum. She has earned losing her wedding date, at least temporarily.
> 
> I would put it to her like this:
> 
> "Fiance, you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy. I will not marry a woman who messages old boyfriends and then lies about it. For that reason, our marriage date will no longer be in November, and will be left open. It is now up to you to show me you have earned adequate trust for me to marry you."


Not for me....

I would call off the wedding...end it. No more chances, no more negotiation. Say goodbye.

If you must be number one, then there is no more room for another man in this engagement. Be number one. 

The child? The only good thing to come out of this. 

Love the child....from afar.

Mature people would call this reaction....a 'consequence' for inappropriate behavior on her part. She is disrespectful, arrogant and presumptuous of your love. 

Oh, you are doing her a favor, also. Do not think otherwise.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

marvelmanchris said:


> We've had conversations in which we've shared each other's boundaries not sure why she would do such a thing. It's common sense to me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's not common sense to everybody, however.

I'm not defending her, I want to add, but some people just don't put 2 and 2 together until someone tells them.

For many, boundaries are learned behaviour, rather than simply innate. I learned many lessons in early relationships that seem like common sense to me today.

Relationships, just like life, are a series of lessons. You learn as you go, and you make mistakes in the process. The true mark of a person is that they learn from these.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

marvelmanchris said:


> I'm unsure of what I should do. *Should I try and make it work*?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Can you explain this question?

People say it all the time, it's almost a cliche but how exactly are you going to try and make it work?

Are you talking to her ex boyfriend whom she had sex with?

Did you lie about the nature of the relationship?

What exactly from your end are you going to do to make that better?

Your fiance is talking to a man she used to bang, she initiates conversations with him and lied to you about the nature of that relationship.

You've got this the wrong way round friendo, your tail should be out the door and your fiance on her hands on knees begging you to stay and her "trying to make it work"

There should be no confusion about this at all..but good luck to you anyway.


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