# Advice about When to say "I'm Done"



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

First time ever to make a post of any kind on any site...Little nervous but need to hear from some one.
My h and I have been married 22 years, have two children 21 and 18. Our 18 year old is heading off to college in a few months so we are soon to be "empty-nesters." All sounds great and perfect however really life and our relationship isn't. Friends, family, and acquaintances would never know because we are very guarded and private.

We did, however, have an episode 10 months ago where my husband was at an event alone and after many drinks on the dance floor made out with a 22 year old (he is 39). He drove 3 hours, already the plan, to meet us me and we have a fabulous weekend with friends. When I return home my bf comes to me sobbing that she was told he had done this. I confront him and he tells me he has fallen out of love with me and feels like a loser in life (we have off and on financial problems, he isn't as successful as HE wants to be, etc) and that he feels neglected (I own my own business and it requires lots of my time). Then two days later he wants to go to counseling and us work through it. I should mention the drinking has been horrible and progressively escalated over several years. He is never abusive. We had one night he didn't come home and at 4 am I went searching and found him in a kitchen alone teaching a girl to slow dance (20 other people were in the living room watching TV). The girl I knew and she repeatedly assured me he was teaching her and nothing wrong was going on. My husband couldn't stand, talk, focus or anything so I blew it off. And backing up a few months prior to that I realized my husband had a "friendship" he was brewing with a female he met on a business trip. He claims nothing was wrong there and I believe him because I have no other choice. At that time he totally stopped communication with her because I was upset about it.

Long story, short, I sell my business that month and we go to two sessions and we feel great again. Nothing is "right" though. We don't kiss or have any type of an emotional or sexual connection. We have all kinds of excuses why, but really I am beginning to feel like they are coverups for us being unhappy. I TRY not recall the events I mentioned, but they haunt me. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough or being a good person because I can't forgive and move forward. 

I don't talk to anyone about this. I don't want his reputation or people to know our circumstances. Including my sisters and BF. I considered a therapist but I'm angry it's ME who has to go. He has agreed to couples therapy, but after a few months he just doesn't find the time to go. Again-is this his sub-conscience that he has checked out? I have a fear that when our daughter leaves he too will leave. I've asked him, but he says he is 100% not planning that and he is just not a "talker." I have told him my needs, he says he is sorry we haven't been close, then that moment we are intimate and then weeks go bye. Then the cycle repeats...

I don't want to give up. I truly love him. I'm worried, however, over time and with all that has happened I have slowly fallen away from him. I used to feel strong and confident BC of him. Now I battle my own internal feelings of trusting him and I don't want to be that kind of person or live that kind of life. The counselor asked him to paint a picture of his future and asked if it included me: he couldn't do it. He says now that he wishes he hadn't told me he had fallen out of love and that I didn't hear him unable to draw that picture because it was an emotional time and now he loves me and wants to grow old together.

Any advice or anyone been through this?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I went through a somewhat similar situation as your husband. His antics with other woman are likely an outward symptom of his loss of love for you. 

Have you two talked about a trial separation? I know this can be looked at as a first step towards leaving for good, but it can also be a "are you sure" for him. If you do implement a trial separation, it must include marriage counseling. Do not separate without this agreement.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks for the advice. I wonder if he only said he didn't mean to say he fell out of love with me because he is a doesn't "want" to fall out of love, but has. The irony is I worked SO HARD at my business so that when our kids were gone he wasn't the only bread winner! Back-fired on me! 
Our daughter has a huge next 2 months moving into the next phase of her life and I know he doesn't want to upset her with any news of us separating (me either). I'm just going crazy waiting for 2 months to get here! I'm hoping, wanting, to have it figured out before the 2 months if that makes sense?
The thing is if I could figure out how to make him fall back in love with me, I would! Kinda sux!


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## WantWhatsRight (Nov 2, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> The thing is if I could figure out how to make him fall back in love with me, I would! Kinda sux!


I wouldn't recommend looking at it that way. You can't *make* someone fall in/out of love with you. You can, however, act in ways that do or do not meet their needs. Sometimes, it is impossible for you to meet their needs.

I recently concluded an anger management class for the sake of preserving my marriage - and one thing the teacher said that made a lot of sense to me is that all humans have basic needs that have to be met - else they get angry/depressed/etc. 

I don't recall at the moment what they are ... but to the effect of (1) safety, (2) security, (3) to be acknowledged and (4) to be understood ...

While I don't necessarily agree with these 4 particular selections as "basic needs", I do agree with the *concept* that we, as humans, have basic needs. When these needs are not met, we start seeking people/activities/substances/behaviors that will provide for the gap.

So, point is, maybe you should really get your H to sit down with you and discuss/assess not only what his needs are, but also what yours are ...

It may be the case that a mismatch has evolved where there was once a match. Or, it may be the case that your ability to meet one anothers needs still exists - then you two have to go the next step and figure out how you can go about meeting each others needs ...

Just my $0.02 ...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Ingalls,

I suggest you read two books to start with - _His Needs, Her Needs_ and _Love Busters_. They're not very large and extremely well written. If you can convince your husband to read them with you that would be even better. It may give you each insight into the other. They helped my wife and I tremendously.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thank you Beowulf! I will get this today...


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