# Worried my wife is cheating



## williamjohnson

Hi everyone...

My wife teaches at a local college, and recently she has befriended a male former student. He's an adult student, so he's actually only a few years younger than her.

Anyway, the two have become fast friends. I know they have exchanged lots of emails and have noticed that she has been texting a lot lately, something she never did in the past. She also talks about him more than she does most her other friends, just in passing. "Bob said said we should try Californication" or "Bob just told me about the time he got too drunk at a bar".

I assume their texts are flirty. Why? I don't really know how two people of the opposite sex could/would text frequently without being flirty. Maybe a bad assumption on my part?

I have no firm evidence of anything wrong. It's all just suspicion. I don't want to be the kind of guy who snoops through her emails or texts, so I haven't done that yet. I know it would be wrong to do so. If something is indeed going on, I don't yet suspect a full-blown affair, just the beginnings of an "emotional" affair.

I don't think of my wife as the cheating type and have never before thought she was cheating. In fact, she's made new male friends before that I've had no problem with. The difference this time is all the texting and talking about him.

So what do you think? Do I confront her? Do I just let it go? Am I wrong for being suspicious?


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## that_girl

She's having an emotional affair. Google what that is.

it's in the beginning stages, so she talks about him...bceause she's giddy about him. She likes him so she can't help but talk about him!

It's probably just flirty AT THE MOMENT...but will get more intimate and sexual soon...and then she'll stop talking about him because of guilt. She'll barely mention him and you'll think he's gone away, but no...

Nip this quick. Seriously.


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## bandit.45

I think if she was cheating with him she would not be openly talking about him with you. I could be wrong but it sounds like they are just good buddies. However, the insular and parochial environment of the college system is a perfect incubator for adultery.

If you are concerned, then be open with your wife and tell her what your boundaries are. If she loves you, and nothing is going on, she will adhere to them. 

The constant texting is troubling. She should be texting you more than anyone else! Check her e-mails and Facebook account if you can get into them. If she balks at giving you her access passwords, then that may aso be another alarm. 

There is program called a keylogger that you can install on to the computer she uses to find out what she is typing, without her knowing it. If her phone has a computer sync, you could try downloading her text messages while she is in the shower, and taking a look at them. 

Lots of advice will follow from the other posters. Remember, don't confront your wife about anything until you have lots of proof she is up to something. If you do find incriminating texts, don't jump at confrontation immediately. Be cool, wait, and gather as much evidence as you can. 

If she is innocent, accusing her without facts could damage your marriage.


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## bandit.45

> I don't think of my wife as the cheating type and have never before thought she was cheating. In fact, she's made new male friends before that I've had no problem with. The difference this time is all the texting and talking about him.


We all thought this about our wayward spouses before we caught them the first time.


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## that_girl

bandit.45 said:


> I think if she was cheating with him she would not be openly talking about him with you. I could be wrong but it sounds like they are just good buddies. However, the insular and parochial environment of the college system is a perfect incubator for adultery.


You are wrong about that...

In the beginning of emotional affairs, many people dont' even know they are in them. They talk about the person because they like them, they are friends, but there's a giddiness and a crush going on. They cannot help but talk about them to anyone and everyone, including their spouse. They also hope by talking about them, they won't feel so guilty about hiding things because hey, they told their spouse about them!

But then....the name drops away...and things start to change. that's when the emotional affair really takes off.

It's a pattern. believe it or not, but it's usually how it plays out.

He doesn't have to confront and accuse her. he can, however, say how much it bothers him that she's so preoccupied with this person. If she flips out on him, he'll know she is thinking of the OM as something more than a friend.


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## williamjohnson

bandit.45 said:


> The constant texting is troubling. She should be texting you more than anyone else! Check her e-mails and Facebook account if you can get into them. If she balks at giving you her access passwords, then that may aso be another alarm.
> 
> There is program called a keylogger that you can install on to the computer she uses to find out what she is typing, without her knowing it. If her phone has a computer sync, you could try downloading her text messages while she is in the shower, and taking a look at them.
> 
> Lots of advice will follow from the other posters. Remember, don't confront your wife about anything until you have lots of proof she is up to something. If you do find incriminating texts, don't jump at confrontation immediately. Be cool, wait, and gather as much evidence as you can.
> 
> If she is innocent, accusing her without facts could damage your marriage.


I think snooping in her email/texts is crossing the line, and I'd rather not resort to that.


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## okeydokie

whatever may be happening behind the scenes, its obvious that what she is doing on the surface is disrespectful to you and your marriage. i personally would not tolerate it one bit. i dont try to tell my wife who to be friends with but the examples she has passed on to you about their conversations are way out of bounds. how can she not see it?


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## Halien

williamjohnson said:


> I think snooping in her email/texts is crossing the line, and I'd rather not resort to that.


As a married man, I think that repeated texting, and possibly sexting, is crossing the line. Hope my wife wouldn't resort to that.

You could sit beside her tonight and ask to see her text history. Seriously, if she respects your concerns, she'll let you see everything and end the texting to him.


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## johnnycomelately

williamjohnson said:


> I think snooping in her email/texts is crossing the line, and I'd rather not resort to that.


I think that the ends justify the means in this case. You are potentially saving several people from years of heartache and disruption. 

Snoop. Knowledge is power.


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## Kobo

williamjohnson said:


> I think snooping in her email/texts is crossing the line, and I'd rather not resort to that.


I suggest you read the forum dedicated to Infidelity and see if you change your mind. You can continue being passive if you want but I guarantee "Bob" has his target set squarly between your wife's thighs. Your wife mentioning him is begging you to take notice and stand-up for her. Right now you pretending thet you're not jealous/concerned of the time and energy she is spending on Bob is doing you a disservice.


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## that_girl

Halien said:


> As a married man, I think that repeated texting, and possibly sexting, is crossing the line. Hope my wife wouldn't resort to that.
> 
> You could sit beside her tonight and ask to see her text history. Seriously, if she respects your concerns, she'll let you see everything and end the texting to him.


My husband would be so bored if he read my texts. Besides texting him, I text my girl friends and we share stupid jokes, recipes, gripes about our day and the occasional STFU, betch.

:rofl:


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## that_girl

Kobo said:


> I suggest you read the forum dedicated to Infidelity and see if you change your mind. You can continue being passive if you want but I guarantee "Bob" has his target set squarly between your wife's thighs. Your wife mentioning him is begging you to take notice and stand-up for her. Right now you pretending thet you're not jealous/concerned of the time and energy she is spending on Bob is doing you a disservice.




Stop sitting there on the sidelines and be the man in your relationship. Protect your marriage. Remind her of your vows.

Sometimes it's not about each other, but about the sanctity of your marriage...which is much bigger than the two of you.

Ask her if she does anything with him (talking wise) that she wouldn't do with you/in front of you...see if she blushes. lol.


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## bubbly girl

williamjohnson said:


> I think snooping in her email/texts is crossing the line, and I'd rather not resort to that.


I think a married couple should have full access to each others emails/texts. If a spouse has a problem with it and claims invasion of privacy, they usually have something to hide.


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## tacoma

The next time she's texting Bob ask for her Puone.

If she gives it to you have a look at the content if the messages.

If she refuses to give it to you or the messages are being consistently deleted give it back and/or drop the subject as quickly as you can.

Then start investigating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## williamjohnson

I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."

She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.

She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.

I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.


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## that_girl

ooooh she's blame shifting and trying to make you feel like the bad guy.

If she KNEW what was wrong, why did she continue it instead of constantly asking you what was wrong?

Shady shet going on. She's not all about the marriage, or she wouldn't have texted him all weekend knowing it was bothering you.

Kinda betchy, imo. And she asked for personal time and space?

Oh yea, she's in this EA... big time.


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## that_girl

Ok, you can ignore your feelings....but when the day comes that she gives you the "I love you but not in love with you" speech, you will kick your own ass.

And that day will come.

Why? because you're not being the alpha male she needs. You're letting her carry this relationship on with another man and she sees that you're doing nothing about it.

You say she sounded genuine when she said those things, so then why the jab of "so i guess I can't have male friends..."

No, really...NEW male friends shouldn't be allowed to a wife in a marriage just as NEW female friends shouldn't be allowed to the husband. I have old male friends...strictly friends...that we talk once in a while, but nothing more and we were friends before marriage and nothing sexual happened between us.

However if hubs had a new female friend, i would be suspicious...espcially if he was behaving like your wife. I'd ask to meet her and see what he says, how he reacts.

maybe ask your wife if you all can hang out. I mean, if he's just a friend, she won't mind, right?

She's fooling herself if she thinks she's not being inappropriate. Hurting her husband's feelings is inappropriate enough.


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## bubbly girl

I think she's guilt tripping you to get what she wants. He might just be a friend now, but it can evolve into a relationship in the future. It's not that she's looking to cheat. That's why so many cheaters say "we never meant for this to happen."


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## Kobo

williamjohnson said:


> I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."
> 
> She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.
> 
> She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.
> 
> I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.


Don't worry about words, watch actions. She's trying to make you feel guilty. It's working.


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## Halien

williamjohnson said:


> I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."
> 
> She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.
> 
> She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.
> 
> I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.


I have to admit that after 25 years of marriage, when I see posts like this, it makes me feel so old. The thing is that you shouldn't feel ashamed when you have fears and doubts, assuming that you don't go overboard. I would hope that my wife would care enough for our marriage to want to make sure that we stay close and connected. Still, as the years turn into decades, you'll see times where she becomes suspicious, then it might cycle back to your turn. Imagine how she will feel when she is tired and feeling unnatractive after having a child? Or if she begins to feel like she looks older than you? If she's upset, she'll eventually get a good lesson in what it feels like to be you.


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## johnnycomelately

williamjohnson said:


> I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."
> 
> She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.
> 
> She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.
> 
> I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.


Why did she know it would be about this? 

Her reaction indicates that there was something there, maybe no fully formed, but I think you were right to suspect and to act. 

My wife said something similar to me about a female friend a few years ago and my reaction was to say that I was sorry I had made her feel that way and to back right off without even being asked. That is the normal reaction of a person with a clear conscience.

If she knew what you were going to say then she was conscious of your suffering and had said nothing. Why? Why then react with a classic piece of guilt-tripping if her consience was completely clear? 

Don't beat yourself up, I think your instincts were good and you may well be nipping something in the bud. Are you generally a paranoid suspicious sort of person? You don't sound like it, so why doubt your gut now?

Please do yourself a favour and post a thread in the Coping with Infidelity forum. You will get some ranters in there but you will also get some sound advice which will help you through this.

In the meantime follow Ronald Reagan's old adage: 
'Trust, but verify.'


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## that_girl

yea, the fact that she KNEW it was about this tells me that she knows she's doing something wrong.


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## williamjohnson

that_girl said:


> Ok, you can ignore your feelings....but when the day comes that she gives you the "I love you but not in love with you" speech, you will kick your own ass.
> 
> And that day will come.
> 
> Why? because you're not being the alpha male she needs. You're letting her carry this relationship on with another man and she sees that you're doing nothing about it.
> 
> You say she sounded genuine when she said those things, so then why the jab of "so i guess I can't have male friends..."
> 
> No, really...NEW male friends shouldn't be allowed to a wife in a marriage just as NEW female friends shouldn't be allowed to the husband. I have old male friends...strictly friends...that we talk once in a while, but nothing more and we were friends before marriage and nothing sexual happened between us.
> 
> However if hubs had a new female friend, i would be suspicious...espcially if he was behaving like your wife. I'd ask to meet her and see what he says, how he reacts.
> 
> maybe ask your wife if you all can hang out. I mean, if he's just a friend, she won't mind, right?
> 
> She's fooling herself if she thinks she's not being inappropriate. Hurting her husband's feelings is inappropriate enough.


Funny thing is, we DID hang out. He came over a few weeks ago to our house. We watched some basketball. It was kind of awkward. So awkward that I eventually didn't want to be around anymore (it seemed like they wanted to talk) and I went to bed while they chatted some more for an hour or two.

Then last week he came to my birthday party at a bar. This time was a lot less awkward. From what I can tell he's actually a pretty nice guy.

My question is: if your husband is "hurting" for totally irrational feelings, is it still wrong of her?


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## that_girl

Yep. It's still wrong of her.
She should be putting effort into making you feel secure...NOT texting this dude.

If you're normally not this way, then...she should be very concerned.

But she's not. She kinda laughed about it....scoffed at it.

Like I said, kinda betchy.


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## CandieGirl

that_girl said:


> You are wrong about that...
> 
> *In the beginning of emotional affairs, many people dont' even know they are in them. They talk about the person because they like them, they are friends, but there's a giddiness and a crush going on. They cannot help but talk about them to anyone and everyone, including their spouse. They also hope by talking about them, they won't feel so guilty about hiding things because hey, they told their spouse about them!*
> 
> But then....the name drops away...and things start to change. that's when the emotional affair really takes off.
> 
> It's a pattern. believe it or not, but it's usually how it plays out.
> 
> He doesn't have to confront and accuse her. he can, however, say how much it bothers him that she's so preoccupied with this person. If she flips out on him, he'll know she is thinking of the OM as something more than a friend.


Does this always happen? The initial giddy-talk-about-the-AP phase? Because if yes, then really, dead giveaway. And a really good point to watch out for this behaviour from a suspected WS.


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## Kobo

williamjohnson said:


> Funny thing is, we DID hang out. He came over a few weeks ago to our house. We watched some basketball. It was kind of awkward. So awkward that I eventually didn't want to be around anymore (it seemed like they wanted to talk) and I went to bed while they chatted some more for an hour or two.
> 
> Then last week he came to my birthday party at a bar. This time was a lot less awkward. From what I can tell he's actually a pretty nice guy.
> 
> My question is: if your husband is "hurting" for totally irrational feelings, is it still wrong of her?


Your feelings aren't irrational even if you are wrong.


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## CandieGirl

williamjohnson said:


> I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."
> 
> She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.
> 
> *She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous*, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.
> 
> I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.


She said this because she knows she's been (somewhat) up to no good...tell her, 'No, you can't have male friends, not if it's going to make me feel like this.', show her that you are the priority here, not this friend.

Don't feel embarassed. You had every right to feel like this, and good for you for picking up on it so soon. I hope it's not gone too far...

Good luck!


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## williamjohnson

Part of me is thinking...I shouldn't tell her to stop what she's doing. It can be a test. If she stops on her own, I know she was sincere. If she still keeps up the friendship, then I know what she really wants. I dont want to be with someone who care more about someone else than me. I know some women would want me to "fight" for them, but I didn't sign up for fighting. I shouldn't have to fight.


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## bubbly girl

Your feelings aren't irrational.

A person's spouse and their feelings, should always come before a friend.


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## CandieGirl

williamjohnson said:


> Part of me is thinking...I shouldn't tell her to stop what she's doing. It can be a test. If she stops on her own, I know she was sincere. If she still keeps up the friendship, then I know what she really wants. I dont want to be with someone who care more about someone else than me. I know some women would want me to "fight" for them, but I didn't sign up for fighting. I shouldn't have to fight.


I don't think she even realizes what she's doing...yet! Rarely, do people test their spouses this way. But either way, it's dangerous, and I suggest, as many others do, to do something about it now, before it gets even worse.


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## Kobo

williamjohnson said:


> Part of me is thinking...I shouldn't tell her to stop what she's doing. It can be a test. If she stops on her own, I know she was sincere. If she still keeps up the friendship, then I know what she really wants. I dont want to be with someone who care more about someone else than me. I know some women would want me to "fight" for them, but I didn't sign up for fighting. I shouldn't have to fight.


Stop the passive aggressive stuff. This line of thinking probably has you where you're at now. Would you want your wife to get involved if you got caught up with some woman and didn't know you were on a path to destroying your family? Don't play these games. Read up on boundaries and establish yours. Discuss them with your wife. Look up love languages with your wife and start meeting hers. Talk to your wife about emotional affairs and how they start (After you read up on them). Mainly, become active in your relationship again. Don't sit back passively. She's practically begging you for the attention she gets from him. Bringing this guy to your house and making you feel like the 3rd wheel to the point you retire to your room and let a man you don't know have alone time with your wife in your living room. Bringing him to your Birthday party. Wake up brother.


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## williamjohnson

williamjohnson said:


> Part of me is thinking...I shouldn't tell her to stop what she's doing. It can be a test. If she stops on her own, I know she was sincere. If she still keeps up the friendship, then I know what she really wants. I dont want to be with someone who care more about someone else than me. I know some women would want me to "fight" for them, but I didn't sign up for fighting. I shouldn't have to fight.


Grr. Problem with this plan is it doesn't help the feelings go away, it actually stirs them up even more.


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## Beowulf

Would she approve of you text flirting with another woman? Or even texting another woman all weekend while you were with her?


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## bubbly girl

Don't beat around the bush. Just tell her to stop, and it is not acceptable for a married woman to be such close friends with a man who is not her husband, and will lead to problems in the marriage. It's already causing problems. You of course have to abide by the same rules. No close female friends.


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## Bottled Up

williamjohnson said:


> So awkward that I eventually didn't want to be around anymore (it seemed like they wanted to talk) and I went to bed while they chatted some more for an hour or two.


Never ever ever leave your wife alone with another man again. Ever. This creates an environment that you condone a situation of them spending one-on-one time with each other and subliminally communicates to your wife that you are not protective enough of her.

You need to take over this relationship like this man is a territory invader and you are the strong alpha protecting his turf. Because, that's exactly what is happening right now.

Never ever condone a situation where your wife gets to spend time alone with this guy, or any other guy for that matter.


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## Halien

williamjohnson said:


> Funny thing is, we DID hang out. He came over a few weeks ago to our house. We watched some basketball. It was kind of awkward. So awkward that I eventually didn't want to be around anymore (it seemed like they wanted to talk) and I went to bed while they chatted some more for an hour or two.


Now that's where it truly is getting really awkward. Me, I'm old school. When I sense that its getting awkward, I would just tell HIM that its time for HIM to leave. There is a difference between respecting her privacy and implicitly supporting a relationship.


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## that_girl

Yea, the whole thing about him at your house and you felt awkward...IN YOUR OWN HOME!?

Holy crap.

Never. Your wife should have said, "it's getting late" and shown him out when she noticed you were going to bed.
But no, she had a date with him!
Seriously.


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## F-102

You let her be alone with him when you went to bed
You're refusing to take action to protect your marriage
You're afraid of appearing controlling
You backed down when she tried to make you the bad guy

So, basically, you just gave her the keys to have an affair.


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## Lon

William, like the other commenters are saying, it is time you step up and be controlling of the marital boundaries. Your W did give you a test when she said "I guess I can't have male friends" your answer should be "correct, you already have a male companion that you have made vows to" she was testing you to confirm if you are as "beta" as she thinks you are. She will never admit it, but she does want you to be controlling, she wants you to be possessive of her (in a respectful manner of course) - if you aren't you will come to regret it.

Of course, in the real world we have all have male and female acquaintances and it is acceptable to enjoy those interactions, it is not acceptable to start forming strong emotional bonds to someone of the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship. She is not only on a slippery slope, she has lost her footing, you need to act boldly here, stop asking more questions on this board just go get your W and do something fun together, have a date, leave your phones at home and go make love.


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## williamjohnson

F-102 said:


> You let her be alone with him when you went to bed
> You're refusing to take action to protect your marriage
> You're afraid of appearing controlling
> You backed down when she tried to make you the bad guy
> 
> So, basically, you just gave her the keys to have an affair.


Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).

She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.


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## bandit.45

> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> 
> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.




The metrosexual mindset strikes again....


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## Goldmember357

bubbly girl said:


> I think a married couple should have full access to each others emails/texts. If a spouse has a problem with it and claims invasion of privacy, they usually have something to hide.


qft


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## CandieGirl

Beowulf said:


> Would she approve of you text flirting with another woman? Or even texting another woman all weekend while you were with her?


My H would be bagging his texting fingers in a ziplock with ice, and taking them to get reattached at the fricken' hospital...FUME!!!


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## that_girl

Let me tell you a personal story of my life 10/11 years ago.

I was in a craptastic relationship. There was a child involved. We were not in love but we were committed. Looking back, I should have never been with him...just because I had a child with him, didn't mean I had to deal with him. Hindsight and all...

ANYway...

We had mutual friends. A couple. They were an odd couple...fought a lot but had been dating for 6 years (at that time). 

Well, the woman of the couple was always too tired to go out. My mate was always too busy....so my mate and the other woman would just say, "You two should go out and have fun." or "Call up N. Maybe you guys can hang out, I have work to do." or "See what TG is up to, N....I'm tired. Go out with her."

So in the beginning it was friendship. We'd just hang out around other friends.

It was innocent and fun. He was a great guy. We talked about school and the news and religion and it was stimulating. I woudl talk about N to everyone. how smart he was, how talented, how funny....blah blah LOL

Then we started to make plans alone. Still, nothing physical happened. It was just fun. I really liked him. We'd been friends for 3 years. I never thought of him other than just who he was.

Then one night at his house, after listening to his brilliant music (a musician like my mate), we went out for a smoke and I had the most incredible urge to throw myself in to his arms....so i left. :rofl: I ran to my care, mid cigarette, and took off. Scared ****less of what just happened inside of me.

And it was amazing.

I didn't ignore it or put it out. I was not happy at home...at all. My mate was emotionally abusive, verbally abusive and I feared him. NOT excuses, just what it was and I was too weak to leave at first. 

So my friend and I kept hanging out. Mate got suspicious all of a sudden. I stopped talking about N. I stopped bringing up his name. STILL nothing physical happened...but i wanted it to.

Then one night, I was leaving to go out, my one night a week to go out (I was 24, he was 26...he went out most nights without me...) and i said that I couldn't wait because I had to "meet someone".

My mate said, "Since when did N become "someone""?

Busted.

On Christmas Day night, after a long day at mate's mom's house (omg....lol) he knew I had to go. And I went in search of my friend (days before phones).

We found each other and hung out and kissed that night.

My point is, things can start out innocent...but take a turn. I know now I should have left my mate before taking things further with this man. I learned a TON from that time of my life and have never cheated on anyone ever since. Even if I wanted to. I just didn't put myself in that situation after that. 

So, people here can say "oh they're just friends"...which is true...they are...but...isn't that how dating starts? Just becoming close friends?

yep.

I do have male friends, like I've said. But no new once since meeting Hubs. I see no point. My old male friends are 2nd fiddle to my man and they respect the boundaries of friendship.

This dude DOES NOT respect your marriage or he wouldn't be taking up so much of your wife's time. 

Don't be fooled. I was fooled. I fooled myself. It was UNREAL how fast that crap took off. 

i don't regret it though. It was the only person I ever loved...before meeting Hubs--- Hubs blew that memory out of the freaking water! 

ETA: I left my mate a month later...best decision I ever made, even if I was struggling with raising my child. N and I never had sex  Nope. We were just in love...a childish and crazy love. Sex was just not happening bceause of issues I had with mate.


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## bubbly girl

williamjohnson said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> 
> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.


This is your marriage and your life too. Don't leave the ball in her court to do something stupid that will destroy your marriage. Take control of how you want things to go. 

There should be respect in marriage, and she's not respecting you. There is nothing wrong with protecting your marriage, and insisting that she stop something that is hurting your marriage. It's not old fashioned.


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## AFEH

bandit.45 said:


> The metrosexual mindset strikes again....


Where on earth do they get it from? It's way beyond me.


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## Hopefull363

Always go with your feelings. Your gut instinct is there for a reason. I will never have a male friend that is close enough for me to be texting all the time. I would consider that an EA. I would not approve of my husband doing that either. Tell your wife that "NO" she should not be close enough to the opposite sex to text them all the time. "NO" she can not have male friends that are that close, and you won't have any female friends that are that close.

If I did anything that made my husband uncomfortable and jeopardized the trust in my marriage, I would stop immediately if my husband told me. I value him above all others. After all he is my life partner. I wouldn't want to do something that I know hurts him.


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## AFEH

williamjohnson said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> 
> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.


It’s supposed to come natural. You know like that old grey back guerrilla. The “Don’t mess with me or my woman” signals he sends out without saying a word.


The feeling you’re supposed to get in these situations is like your spine has metamorphosed into steel. Your head goes up and your back goes straight and the guy just says “It’s time I was off” because of the signals you send out in times like these even though you may try and hide them.


But such is your naivety in these things you don’t even believe you have to fight for your woman. You couldn’t be more wrong.


You are getting excellent advice here and yet you seem in some way to scorn it. Even though you were the one who started the thread.



The drinking will not help at all.


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## Halien

williamjohnson said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> .


If the notion of forbidding your wife to do something strikes you as odd, why are you here? Let her dictate how far this relationship goes. She's an adult, and if sleeping with him is her choice, who are you to forbid it?

Well, maybe forbidding her to sleep with him isn't old fashioned yet, I guess? If not, is kissing him okay? Sending him nude pictures of herself? 

I think you've probably drawn some pretty heavy duty lines so far. Most of us draw the line well before sleeping with another person. I'd suggest that the problem is that the two of you probably never really discussed where that actual line is...???


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## inmygut

williamjohnson said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> 
> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.


Yes that is weak of you. Right now you know that the Guy is trying to get in your wife's panties, and you gave him alone time?!? You are acting like his b!itch. Maybe the thought of him laughing at you while being inside your wife will get you to act. Read up on Manning Up, setting boundaries, and the 180. Go to the Married Man Sex Life website and read up. You need a mix of Both alpha and beta to keep your wife happy. Remember that your wife has already shown that she is receptive to the attention. This Guy has no honor and will not stop without your wife stopping things. Do not beg or plead, but set firm boundaries of acceptable behavior with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by bandit.45
> 
> 
> The metrosexual mindset strikes again....


From AFEH:



> Where on earth do they get it from? It's way beyond me.


Just turn on the TV and you'll see. It is permeating our culture.


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## MSP

that_girl said:


> My husband would be so bored if he read my texts. Besides texting him, I text my girl friends and we share stupid jokes, recipes, gripes about our day and the occasional STFU, betch.


Oh, my goodness, yes. When I went through a suspicious phase with my wife I keylogged her laptop and the endless talk with her friends about what were wearing, what TV shows they were watching, and what cakes they were baking was enough to make me almost long for some juicy flirting in there. 



williamjohnson said:


> She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.


Women who've just had babies want help with their babies and support from their husbands.

But that aside, what she has given you is a clearly conflicting message. On the one hand she says she wants personal space. On the other hand she complains about a lack of close friends. Those two things are contradictory. What this is code for is, "Leave me alone so that I can get much closer to this guy without you interfering". 



williamjohnson said:


> I know some women would want me to "fight" for them, but I didn't sign up for fighting. I shouldn't have to fight.


Yes, you did and yes, you do. You just don't know it yet.

Hey, I didn't sign up for being born, but I'm here now, so I might as well make the best of it. You signed up for all the crap women can dish out to men, because you are with a woman. She doesn't stop being a woman just because you don't want to accept her crap.

(P.S. Yes, I know that men dish out crap, too).



williamjohnson said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned.


It might be old-fashioned, but you know what? Marriages used to be a lot more stable than they are today.



williamjohnson said:


> I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman.


Your wife wants a man to have dominion over her--to an extent. If you won't be that man, another one will be, guaranteed.



williamjohnson said:


> Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).


She failed your test? I thought you didn't believe in tests? And what penalty did she suffer for failing that test? Oh, yeah, nothing. She continued to have contact with this man.



williamjohnson said:


> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.


Your principles are not holding you back. People stray and they need bringing back in course. No one is perfect. Stop giving your wife enough rope to hang herself. Your tests reflect those of a man who is afraid of betrayal and so pushes the limit of his relationship's endurance to see if he will be betrayed. You will be, because people are not perfect. Stop expecting your wife to be perfect. 

A marriage is a partnership. Now is your time to step up to the plate and help your wife through a difficult time that she doesn't even realize that she is having. You see the warning signs, she doesn't. It's your job to protect her, just like she should do if she saw warning signs for something threatening the relationship.

For goodness sake, do a search for the No More Mister Nice Guy PDF on this site and read it today. Check out the MMSL blog, too.


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## Lon

williamjohnson said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> 
> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.


If old fashioned is offensive to you, why did you get married in the first place? So she failed your test, what consequences does she now face? to me those consequences would be 1) no more texting this guy. If you don't set this boundary she will just keep texting him, maybe sexting, maybe even meet up for kissing/making out/screwing eventually because your inaction says you either have no boundary or else don't care about it. 

So be controlling (as she has basically outright told you is a reasonable consequence) set this boundary, no more texting if she refuses then no more cell phone, if she refuses then you separate your finances, but if you get to that point and she still is unwavering then you have pretty much lost her already. IMO this is your opportunity to get things straight but it requires some courage on your part to be assertive, my hunch is she is just waiting for you to take some control and stand up for your needs, if you do she will react in a way that you can't even fathom right now because you have bought into the feminist myth of the modern man.


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## Bottled Up

williamjohnson said:


> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me?


Yes it is weak of you, because you are communicating to your wife that you don't want to take any responsibility and put the entire load on her shoulders to control the destiny of your relationship entirely by herself. You also seem to lack intimate understanding and respect for the underlying primal nature of both men and women and how the primal instincts can take over in a bad way if not kept in check occasionally.



williamjohnson said:


> Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back.


In this particular situation, your wife needs you to step up as a man and dominate the situation. You don't have to dominate your relationship always, but this is a pure and simple a primal territorial battle going on between two men over one woman and you are not stepping up to fight him off. By leaving them alone and submitting to your wife all the time, you are already exhibiting too much beta traits in your routine and this guy may be bringing the alpha traits that your wife desires and needs to balance out her own life. Basically, she is filling her needs with another guy because you aren't upholding on your end. Her primal instincts are starting to take over from her logical side, so don't think for a second that she can shake the affair fog on her own without your help. You need to step in and save your marriage, pronto.


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## that_girl

Just cut the shet and be the man you need to be to protect your marriage.

You can sit back and make excuses, but when she leaves you, don't come back here shocked.


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## Shaggy

Look your gut is talking to you loudly!

Listen to it. Your not being irrational, paranoid, etc. your gut is sending up warning flares and you need to listen.

You aren't a controlling evil husband , you aren't trying to lock her away in a tower.

You are defending your marriage from a man who is worming his way into your wife's emotional inner circle. 

Your wife even realizes it, but she loves the attention, and she right now believes she won't go there. Trouble is, like a coke addict they believe they can just stop. 

Your gut is telling you this, but your so afraid of listening to it that you are fighting yourself.

Please don't fail your wife or your marriage. This is when you mos need to stand up and make a stand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Who raised you to be a pushover?

Your "principles" will kill your marriage.


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## MrK

Show of hands from the men:

Who puts this much energy into a relationship with a woman if you're not looking to get into her pants? Anyone? Back of the room? No, just stretching, huh...Nobody?

Nobody is right. Just ask your wife if she realizes that this friend just wants a F-buddy. Is she OK with that? Is she so lonely that she will string along a horn-dog just for someone to talk to?

Somehow I don't think she's that naive. She knows it and likes it. If she hasn't lived it yet, she's fantasized about it.

Just man-up and DEMAND that she hand you her phone next time she's chatting. But pick the right moment. If she's being obvious about it, she's looking for you to ask during an "innocent" conversation.

Better yet: Demand her phone then compare it to the cell bill and see how much she deletes.

Damn...


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## RClawson

William when your drunken stupor is over just start back at the beginning of this thread and keep reading it over and over until this advice begins to sink in. I know your modern man sensitivities are holding you back from confronting this head on but let's face it your wife is on a slippery slope and you are not throwing her any kind of rope.

Do not ever allow these two to be alone again! Especially in your own house. You want to know what that guy was thinking when you left your wife alone with him in your own house. He thought "wow what a Pu$$y". Do you want to know why things were so comfortable at the birthday party? Because he knows he is alpha, your beta and you have accepted it. Think about it.


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## that_girl

Exactly. It was comfortable at the bday party because OM knows you won't do anything! He's no longer concerned. It was awkward at first because OM knows he wants to bang your wife and thought you'd do something about it. But you didn't.


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## bandit.45

William, 

Next time she has the phone in her hand, snatch it from her and run into the bathroom and lock the door. Then take your time reading the texts. As she's banging away on the door you can sit on the toilet and read all the nasty things she's writing him.


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## tacoma

williamjohnson said:


> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me?


Yes.



> Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do ....


Yes



> ...and also give this guy a piece of my mind?


Why bother, you think he cares?



> I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back.


You have principles that allow your wife to give another man the time and attention that`s yours?

Hmm


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## tacoma

AFEH said:


> Where on earth do they get it from? It's way beyond me.


Maybe we need to start a thread about it because I`m seriously confused myself.


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## okeydokie

william, wakey wakey smell the bakey


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## Hopefull363

bandit.45 said:


> William,
> 
> Next time she has the phone in her hand, snatch it from her and run into the bathroom and lock the door. Then take your time reading the texts. As she's banging away on the door you can sit on the toilet and read all the nasty things she's writing him.


:lol::lol::rofl::rofl: Sorry, picturing my husband doing that made me laugh. That's because I have nothing to hide.


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## Hopefull363

Actually, thinking about it, I wish he would do something like that. It would show he cared. I'd probably get my laugh out then drag him into the bedroom to show him how much I care. Maybe you should do that.


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## johnnycomelately

williamjohnson said:


> Maybe I'm just crazy, but the notion of forbidding my wife to do something strikes me as old fashioned. I might just be a fool...but I feel it's not in my principles to act like I have dominion over a woman. Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> 
> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind? I want to do those things, but still, my principles are holding me back. I am currently drinking some whiskey. At 11am.


Hahaha. Whiskey, jealousy and a challenge to your manhood...a heady mix!

I would never forbid my wife to do anything, but we all have to be reminded that there are consequences for our actions. She has to know that the marriage is at stake and then make her own decisions. (Cliché warning) You can't control her actions you can only control yours. Maybe that is an aphorism? 

Just be consistent and firm. No need to be aggressive. And Lay off the booze for a bit.


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## CandieGirl

There's been mention of tests. His test was to go to bed, and see if she followed. She didn't. He thinks this whole friendship is a big test. He doesn't want to tell her what to do...Looks like a whole lotta bullsh!t from here on the outside.

Stop playing games and put your foot down before it's too bloody late.


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## bellamaxjoy

A married man and woman should not be close friends ( married to others not each other) I work in a very large church. To protect everyone from EA or attachments, no man is ever alone with a woman behind closed doors ect. If you make it so that you are never tempted, then it is not a problem. Your best male or female friend should be your husband or wife, period.


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## williamjohnson

Thanks for the advice, guys. You are right. I have the god damn right to demand that she ends her friendship with this guy. I mean, **** that ****.


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## Lon

williamjohnson said:


> Thanks for the advice, guys. You are right. I have the god damn right to demand that she ends her friendship with this guy. I mean, **** that ****.


please sober up first though, before you do something destructive to your marriage.


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## Halien

williamjohnson said:


> Thanks for the advice, guys. You are right. I have the god damn right to demand that she ends her friendship with this guy. I mean, **** that ****.


Just keep in mind - If you started drinking whiskey at 11:00 AM, you might want to hold off on that discussion with her. Everything seems more profound and unfair when you're intoxicated.


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## This is me

williamjohnson said:


> Thanks for the advice, guys. You are right. I have the god damn right to demand that she ends her friendship with this guy. I mean, **** that ****.


Your first post was a little after 8 this morning, you were drinking by 11 and got you all fired up by 3. I can't imagine much has happened between you and her during this time. Just between you, the bottle and everyone giving you their POV.

My advice.

Take a nap. Don't do anything rash.

Remember most everyone here has had issues in their own relationships and come from those points of view. I know from personal experience that some of the advice here can be the wrong advice and get you thinking foolishly.


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## mrnice

if you think she is and you're not a mental patient then you're probably right. She is cheating. 
Always go with gut feeling and don't go into denial.


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## bandit.45

Wonder how it went?


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## This is me

My guess not good. Drinking at 11 am and getting some bad advice was a recipe for a train wreck.


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## seeking sanity

I'm at the point where I read the first page of a big thread like this and when it say's "I'm worried my wife is .... but she's not that type", I then skip to the last page, and it is always in the middle of a huge infidelity crisis. It's all so predictable and depressing and full of angst around action.

The correct course of action when she is lying, hiding, justifying or trying to make YOU feel like the crazy one, is to simply offer her two choices: Stay married and end the friendship, relinquish the passwords, etc; OR to move out. Everything in between just prolongs the misery and damages your soul.


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## TRy

williamjohnson said:


> Even though it felt absolutely awful to leave them alone and go to bed by myself, I also saw it as a chance for her to recognize how uncomfortable I felt and to do something about it (she failed that test).
> 
> She knows how I feel and the ball is in her court. Is this weak of me? Should I be more of a "man" and tell her what to do and also give this guy a piece of my mind?


 Your wife must have know that you were uncomfortable with the situation yet took no action to give you comfort. When you went to bed she should have ended the night and gone with you. Instead it appears that both of them made you feel uncomfortable and wanted you to leave so that they could be alone. There were three people in the room that night. Two of them were a couple and one was made to feel like the odd man out. Guess which person you were? Your wife has already crossed a line in her relationship with the OM. She should never allow you to feel like the odd man out with another man. Yes she did fail the test.

You should calmly tell her that you have decided to take her up on her offer to break it off with the OM. Tell her that you want her to immediately end all contact with the OM. Tell her that you tried to give it a chance but that you do not trust the OM's true intent and are disappointed that she did not care enough about your feeling to end the night when you went to bed. Tell her wrong or right, that as her husband your feelings should have mattered more to her then being with the OM.

When she says that you are controlling, tell her that as her spouse controlling a partner from being alone with a person of the opposite sex that you sense has bad intentions is part of the deal of being married. Tell her that you used the words spouse and partner because it goes both ways and applies to you. When she says that you are wrong that they are just friends. Tell her that you sense otherwise and that she needs to trust your gut feelings on this. Tell her that you have so rarely ever taken a stand like this with her and that she needs to respect your feelings on this.

I fear that her response and next course of action will only confirm just how right you were in not trusting the situation. Be prepared to stand strong and not back down.


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## bandit.45

I think Billy got his a*s handed to him. He is homeless and computerless.


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## Jilted-canadian

WOW! I wish I new about this forum 2 yrs ago! 

Its probably too late for me now... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/41613-23-years-out-window.html


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