# So, he wants to be single again...



## bellycrow (May 10, 2017)

So, we're getting a divorce and I just don't know how I'm going to do this. How do you deal with not waking up next them anymore? Not being able to just look over to your spouse and sharing whatever thought enters your brain? We've been together in some fashion for 11 years. Known each other for 18 years. Everything is just upside down. We were supposed to grow old together. And I went and screwed this all up and so did he. So many regrets... if only I had done this, done that, we wouldn't be in this position. It doesn't matter. Here we are, this is happening, he wants a divorce, and now I have to figure out where my life is supposed to go after this. Will healing take months? Years? I just want to turn back time.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are here, Belly.

How did you both screw up?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

8 year marriage and 13 years total for me. 

Short answer is: it hurts now and it will for a time, but it will get better as long as getting better is a priority for you. I've been divorced for over 6 years now, been married for 1.5 years to a much better man.

Is probably not too comforting to hear now, but you will be OK. You may become an even better person for the experience.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It takes a long time. I was with him for 23 years, married for 25 by the time I felt emotionally strong enough for a divorce. The next few years were awful but I had three hurting children I was left to look after. After 6 years I met and then married my amazing husband, so I can say there is life after divorce. 
Would he agree to counseling or are things too bad?


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

bellycrow said:


> How do you deal with not waking up next them anymore? Not being able to just look over to your spouse and sharing whatever thought enters your brain?
> 
> So many regrets... if only I had done this, done that, we wouldn't be in this position. It doesn't matter. Here we are, this is happening, he wants a divorce, and now I have to figure out where my life is supposed to go after this
> 
> I just want to turn back time.


These are all the same thoughts I have been having and continue to have but they are lessening the busier I keep myself and the more time that passes.

The Hardest parts for me have not being able to hug my wife anymore or having her as my partner in life to share things with and plan our future together, life stops and you don't know where to go or what to do anymore day to day, it feels very isolating and lonely and it does hurt really badly but I am slowly getting used to it.

I look back and see a lot of mistakes we made which could have been avoided and still dealing with some regrets and always think 'what if' but all you can do at this point is move forward and not make the same mistakes again, figure out your life and who you are, what you like and what you want to do and get out and start doing it. 

Worst thing you can do is isolate yourself from people and mope around feeling sorry for yourself, I did this and it sucks bad and achieves nothing, go out with friends, talk to people, vent here on this forum, try IC or join a support group in your area, anything to keep your mind and body busy that helps you day to day


----------



## bellycrow (May 10, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Sorry you are here, Belly.
> 
> How did you both screw up?


My dependency, my anxiety and depression, my complacency, my willingness to live his life instead of mine. Neither one of us really experienced living on our own. We both moved out of a parent's home directly into a relationship, into a shared home. And my anxiety disorder and lifelong depression made it very easy to lose any sense of my own identity. I should have gotten therapy earlier. I should have asked for what I needed every step of the way instead of letting him shrug his shoulders. But back then, I thought he was all I needed. Love was all you needed. What I really needed was to find my independence and seek out therapy for my anxiety and depression. And he had his own self-esteem and depression issues throughout our relationship. He wouldn't take responsibility for his own feelings and lay everything on me. The emotional strain of being with someone like me, naturally, he would start to build resentment towards me. Start to make everything else more of a priority over his marriage. Stop talking to me, stop finding joy with me, stop showing me love. Finding myself here makes sense. I know I've ****ed it all up... but it takes two to make a marriage work. And he didn't try to change anything either...


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Is he willing to go to marriage counseling with you?


----------



## bellycrow (May 10, 2017)

Lostme said:


> Is he willing to go to marriage counseling with you?


I pushed and pushed for marriage counseling and he didn't want it. So, I'm in therapy for myself.


----------



## sherri1 (May 11, 2017)

I'm going through the exact same thing but my husband and I were high school sweethearts. We've been married for 27years and together for over 30 years. He decided that he wasn't happy and he moved into an apartment and then a large home over 15 months ago. I found out in January of this year that he's been having an affair with a girl that works in Human Resources at his job. This affair is "illegal" but if I turn him & her in, I would potentially lose money if he loses his job. He claims that the affair has ended but I have no true confirmation of that. I'm beyond hurt by his lies and betrayal. Neither of us have filed but we both threaten to often. He refuses therapy if any kind. I'm in therapy for myself. He now just refuses to respond to my phone calls or texts because he says I threaten him and call him names. I'm against divorce but I'm so miserable being in "limbo" for the last 15+ months. I'm really frustrated with him! I just don't know what to do....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Hi belly. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm in the same boat, only I'm probably a lot more responsible for this dreadful outcome. My wife decided to leave last Friday and I am going through the same emotions. It is going to be so difficult to get over the little things that we have become so comfortable with. I have been missing them dearly ever since she left, and realizing just how much I took for granted in the 11 years we have been together. I found out today, she has started looking for an apartment. She's been staying with a friend from work. It's really discouraging, because I really want to work it out so bad. I wonder too how long it's going to take before I will be able to really accept and move on, but I'm guessing there's just no easy answer to that. I'm not really in any position to give advice, but I can relate. Know that you're not alone. 

I think that the recovery process likely depends on us, and our willingness to participate in the steps. Right now, I'm just trying not to dwell as much as possible, but my thoughts are consumed with it. It's so hard to shake. I've gotten some great advice from the people posting here, and I think some of it may apply here to you. He's moving on, or at least he wants you to believe he is. At this point, you might consider doing the same. No matter what you have done, and no matter what I have done in my case, it just doesn't do us any good to chase someone who is withdrawn from our lives. Despite our mistakes, we still deserve good things. I know how humiliating it feels to express a desire to work it out only to be rejected completely. We can't keep doing it to ourselves. I'm learning that if my wife sees my devotion to self improvement, then it's possible she may open up her heart to the possibility of reconciliation. However, if it doesn't, then at least we will have made some self improvements, and we'll be on the right track. I know it's going to be extremely hard for me, but it's the best chance for a happy outcome either way. It's just not fair to have to chase someone who makes you feel they want nothing more to do with you. Your moving on in general might cause him to reflect on his choice. Right now, you're telling him that you'll be his backup plan if need be. I did the same thing, but after finding this site and seeking advice, I wish I wouldn't have the way I did.

Now, I have accepted that I need to just back off and let her be. Putting them in the same boat might level the playing field, but that can't be the sole intent. It's got to be about acceptance and finding yourself. It's been over 20 years since I've been alone. My house seems like a tomb. It's going to be extremely difficult to adapt. I never liked being alone. But, once I figure out how to be content, then I think I'll be less dependent on the company to make me happy. 

Anyway, I'm hoping for fast healing for you and for me too. Hang in there and keep your head up. We're all worth something and deserve to be happy.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sherri1 said:


> I'm going through the exact same thing but my husband and I were high school sweethearts. We've been married for 27years and together for over 30 years. He decided that he wasn't happy and he moved into an apartment and then a large home over 15 months ago. I found out in January of this year that he's been having an affair with a girl that works in Human Resources at his job. This affair is "illegal" but if I turn him & her in, I would potentially lose money if he loses his job. He claims that the affair has ended but I have no true confirmation of that. I'm beyond hurt by his lies and betrayal. Neither of us have filed but we both threaten to often. He refuses therapy if any kind. I'm in therapy for myself. He now just refuses to respond to my phone calls or texts because he says I threaten him and call him names. I'm against divorce but I'm so miserable being in "limbo" for the last 15+ months. I'm really frustrated with him! I just don't know what to do....
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am also someone who only thinks divorce should happen for very serious reasons, but you have those serious reasons. He has broken the covenant by both abandoning you and having an affair. There is no marriage is there, so why not end it legally? As you say you are in limbo and cant move on or heal until you cut off contact and end this charade.


----------



## bellycrow (May 10, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I am also someone who only thinks divorce should happen for very serious reasons, but you have those serious reasons. He has broken the covenant by both abandoning you and having an affair. There is no marriage is there, so why not end it legally? As you say you are in limbo and cant move on or heal until you cut off contact and end this charade.


Yes, this. I've been in limbo over the past couple months and I can't take it anymore. I can't imagine twisting in the wind for 15 months. I really want to move out and go heal with family and just start this new painful chapter of my life, but working around a divorce mediator's schedule and my husband's schedule just takes forever. Though I still love him and he loves me (just not IN love with me enough to continue a life together), I want to get out of this house and move on because the more I stay, the more confusing it gets and I let myself think there's a chance, like we can work this out and be together and there just isn't. Not for him. He's open to the possibility of getting back together after he goes and gets this mid-life crisis thing out of his system. And after I sort my life out and become financially independent. But years will go by before either of those things happen and I'm not going to get my hopes up. I wish. But I can't count on it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

bellycrow said:


> Yes, this. I've been in limbo over the past couple months and I can't take it anymore. I can't imagine twisting in the wind for 15 months. I really want to move out and go heal with family and just start this new painful chapter of my life, but working around a divorce mediator's schedule and my husband's schedule just takes forever. Though I still love him and he loves me (just not IN love with me enough to continue a life together), I want to get out of this house and move on because the more I stay, the more confusing it gets and I let myself think there's a chance, like we can work this out and be together and there just isn't. Not for him. He's open to the possibility of getting back together after he goes and gets this mid-life crisis thing out of his system. And after I sort my life out and become financially independent. But years will go by before either of those things happen and I'm not going to get my hopes up. I wish. But I can't count on it.


Have you confirmed that he is not having an affair? Sorry but there is no such thing as a mid life crisis, that is a made up term that people use as an excuse when they are no longer happy with their life. So he thinks he can go sow his oats then try to come back later? He is either after women, or is lying to try and make this less painful for you.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is huge variation in healing. So much depends on the individual as well as the circumstances. I think it's much harder to be left, than to be the one to leave (although it can still be hard on the one leaving if they are choosing to do so because they've been cheated on, for example).

Many people begin dating again within months, while others take years. Mostly, I think you are probably healed when you feel ready in your own mind to let go of the past, and look to the future.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bellycrow said:


> Yes, this. I've been in limbo over the past couple months and I can't take it anymore. I can't imagine twisting in the wind for 15 months. I really want to move out and go heal with family and just start this new painful chapter of my life, but working around a divorce mediator's schedule and my husband's schedule just takes forever. Though I still love him and he loves me (just not IN love with me enough to continue a life together), I want to get out of this house and move on because the more I stay, the more confusing it gets and I let myself think there's a chance, like we can work this out and be together and there just isn't. Not for him. He's open to the possibility of getting back together after he goes and gets this mid-life crisis thing out of his system. And after I sort my life out and become financially independent. But years will go by before either of those things happen and I'm not going to get my hopes up. I wish. But I can't count on it.


Thats so sad. 
So he is going to play the field and expects that you will take him back when he realises that he had a nice wife and a good marriage.:frown2:


----------



## bellycrow (May 10, 2017)

I've seen so many people on here betrayed by a spouse because they were cheating. I worried about this, too. I asked on more than one occasion and I believe him when he says there is and never has been anyone else and that I have his word on that. I definitely took to the internet and looked up "signs" he may want a divorce or is cheating. Signs like his losing a lot of weight. We went through a long period of time where days and days would go by and he would barely say two words to me. He'd come home, put his headphones on in front of the computer and then look at his phone 24/7 instead of acknowledging me. The whole weird about me looking at his phone thing. Like, I get it. We all want some privacy when it comes to our phone. But if he's just having nothing conversations with friends the whole time, why not share with me? Tell me what's going on in your friendship circle. I'm interested. It got to the point a couple months ago where he just wouldn't tell me anything anymore and wouldn't go out of his way to show me affection. Nevermind that sex just stopped. And somewhere along the line I stopped showing him affection, too. The spontaneous kind like in the beginning of our relationship. I thought, well, this just happens in marriage. The cute little things you do in the beginning because you're still trying impress them.

Oh, I'm rambling, I feel like. I've abandoned thinking he'd ever cheat on me. I don't know where he'd find the time what with how busy he's gotten over the past 2 years. I think the real "other person" he's been "cheating" on me with has been a new circle of friends he made and his new lifestyle change of joining a rocky horror theater cast. I think he ran into problems balancing his friend life, his theater life, his work life, his marriage life. He's fallen head over heels in love with friends who build up his self-esteem and the thrill of being in the spotlight on stage. When I first moved in with him 6 years ago, he didn't really have any close friends. College friends since split off and went their separate ways, lost touch, started families. He didn't have anyone close. He just had me and for awhile I thought that was okay. But he needs more than just me. Three years ago he finally found a place to belong with people he really likes. But the scale went full tilt in that direction. They became a huge priority over our marriage. Those theater friends are mostly younger than he is, more adventurous, have more time on their hands, are more spontaneous than he. And he wants that life. He wants to be young and free to do what he wants again without being committed to someone else. Without having to worry about what I want. He made changes in this direction and I never really factored in. Saturdays and Sundays that used to be free are now filled up with his responsibilities as stage crew manager. And he was never open to compromise, making time for just us some days. We've grown incompatible...

I guess people just find out they're meant for something else and sometimes that screws up their partner's plans of growing old together.

I think about my depression and anxiety disorder pushing him away. Pushing him "into the arms" of an entire lifestyle change. After all, it was me who told him rocky horror shows are pretty fun to go see and I supported him when, after we became audience regulars, he wanted to join the cast and crew. I tthought, this is all my fault. If I were different, if I had gotten therapy early on in the relationship, I could have been well on the road to change and we wouldn't be in this position today. But then I think, maybe not. Maybe this all would have happened anyway. Maybe if I did everything right, he still would have figured out he missed out on his twenties, the single life and would want to chase it. There's just no way of knowing. So... I guess I just wanted to elaborate some more...


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You and your husband sound like us at the ten year mark. There were just so many issues, and I dealt with them by stepping out. We had family issues on both sides. We did not know that you stand with each other not stand with your family. We had to be ***** slapped into understanding what a marriage means. We had financial problems, I invested stupidly, and lost everything, and it was just more fodder for her family to tell her how inadequate I was. Eventually, I stepped out, and so did she. That nearly ended the marriage. I also found out how miserable I was without her. If you read my story, I cheated, and she had a revenge ONS. We wanted to reconcile, and we put a ton of energy into therapy and counselling. We were young, stupid, and immature. We learned that if we wanted to stay together, then we had to learn to be truthful and transparent with one another, and NOTHING is to be left unsaid.


----------



## bellycrow (May 10, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Have you confirmed that he is not having an affair? Sorry but there is no such thing as a mid life crisis, that is a made up term that people use as an excuse when they are no longer happy with their life. So he thinks he can go sow his oats then try to come back later? He is either after women, or is lying to try and make this less painful for you.


I've thought about this, too. But it's been 2 months since he first mentioned separation and divorce, and so I've had time to mull all this over and I can't help thinking maybe he's right. Perhaps it helps to mention that we're in our early thirties. Neither one of us have experienced being with anyone else. We rushed into a relationship without working on ourselves, individually, first. I mentioned mid-life crisis to him and he says, no, that's not it. But he's certainly no longer happy and nor am I with how things have turned out. And while he won't say it because it'll hurt to hear, I know I can be drag to deal with because my anxiety screws up social situations and my depression is alienating. He's going through a selfish period where he wants to just be one person. And I've been slowly finding that maybe I do, too. That it would do me some good. He doesn't want to make room for me in his life so I have no business being here anymore.

But ****, if he said tomorrow that HE would change, that he doesn't want to experience anything new in this life without me to share it with, I'd be happy. If it took years for him to realize it, I'd be happy. Maybe he DOES need to miss me. Experience being alone for awhile and remember why we got together in the first place. I have a hard time looking at it like he just wants to "play the field" and come running back. He's not a cruel person. He's not perfect, obviously. I think this is more of a, we were both young and stupid and rushed into things before we were truly ready situation.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

This happened to me and my ex fiancee. We were each other's first love and lost our virginity to each other. We were inseparable. We were together for 5 years and she never had a boyfriend before and when I went off to combat for a year, she got a taste out of being single and started to date other guys. As she told me 47 years later, she is bipolar and hears voices that tell her the future and to change her name. I found out about it when I was in combat and could not do anything about it. When I got discharged from the Army I had PTSD and between her mental issues and mine, there was no way it was going to work. We had our whole future mapped out and the only reason I risked my life was so that afterwards we could get free housing from the Army until she finished college. 

I thought that my life was over and had not direction. Then I met my wife and life was good again. I got treated for anxiety and depression and we married after getting engaged 3 weeks after we met. We are on our 45th year of marriage and it has been wonderful. As we get older we can look back on the past. It is then that we realize that what we thought were terrible things are what made us what we are today. Had I stayed with my ex fiancee, my life would have been completely different and probably a disaster. The best thing you can do is seek medical help. I take one pill a day and life is good again. Xanax controls the anxiety very well. I am a different person now with a great outlook on life. 

My wife is like you, she lives her life for me. I have to constantly get her to do things she likes and not try to please me all the time. We worked things out in our marriage so that both of us were happy, even though we did it non traditionally. My wife was all messed up mentally. Both of her parents were alcoholics and her father was violent. He would beat his kids so hard that he put two of his sons in the hospital. He was disabled and blamed the rest of the world for all of is problems. The only thing he had control over was his own family and he took out his unhappiness on them. My poor wife grew up wearing clothes she made herself since she is very petite and back then there were not petite sizes or store. She raised her much younger sister (15 years younger) on her own. My wife shows fear in her eyes if she thinks I am not pleased with something she did. That makes me very sad. She is used to being beaten for mistakes and as a result will never admit to being wrong. She can walk in traffic with a blindfold on and when she gets hit by a car she will blame the driver for not seeing and avoiding her. She is much better now but still afraid to displease me. She refuses to get psychiatric help though.

My message is one of hope. When your world comes crashing down on you, a new world awaits you. Fix what is wrong and you may find a better life ahead of you. I am 66 and when I look back on my life I realize that my happiness is a direct result of not only the good things, but also all the bad and terrible things that occurred in my life. If not for the bad, I would not be as happy as I am today. My ex fiancee went from man to man and finally married. She left her husband of 20 years and found happiness married to a woman. There was no way I could compete with that, so I consider her cheating on me to be the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, although back then it was soul crushing.

You need to stop thinking of yourself as half of a couple. Most married people do that. They lose their individual identities and become half of something rather than a whole of who they are. For me, being away in the Army did the trick. I had to be me since my ex fiancee was not with me. Add the 6 months of training prior to combat and we were apart for 1 1/2 years. We both discovered what we wanted and who we are during that time so we did not want to get back together again. I found that a new love helped me forget an old love. What was the worst thing in my life turned out to be the best. Hope the same happens to you.


----------



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

bellycrow said:


> farsidejunky said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry you are here, Belly.
> ...


Right there with you. It's all just awful. I read on another thread about how difficult it is when the person you would normally turn to for comfort is also the person causing the pain. 

There is grief over who I thought I was, what I thought I would be in the future that is all gone now. Hope the new me will be a better version but it hurts now. 

So far I found some relief in journaling, listening to podcasts about divorce or self help books. It's a roller coast of emotions. Get familiar with the stages of grief so you can recongnize progress even when it doesn't feel like progress. 

Feel free to message me as much as you want. I find it helps and keeps my feet on the ground. Last time (because we have been here before) I told a lot of people in our lives but it wasn't helpful. Everyone has their opinion making it more confusing and despite their best intention our friendships weakened. Posting doesn't seem to hurt anyone and helps get it out. 

I am so sorry you are hurting.


----------



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Have you read CODependent NoMore? It will be helpful.


----------

