# Why Divorce?



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

So...I had a long weekend and decided to have my own private party. Had three glasses of wine, (haven't drank for the longest time). The alcohol got to me immediately.
Sat in my favorite recliner and contemplate...
Why do people get divorce? Why is it so hard to forgive and forget?
How could we forgive relatives and friends who have offended us, but not the spouse we promised to share our lives with.
Came soooooooooo close to calling my stbxh and telling him what my thoughts are. But my logical mind kicked in (hate it when that happens, I can never be spontaneous, I always overthink things, I envy those who could).
Why would we rather give perfect strangers a chance, when we've searched far and wide, and finally stumble on the one we really love, like, and imagine spending our whole lives with?
I have this fantasy...Someday..someone will thank my stbxh for giving me up, because I will learn from my mistakes and make this someone really happy.
Sorry folks..I'm drunk.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

I completely understand how you feel....and I had that drunk moment earlier today!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Very true and touching.

Divorce is a failure. No matter what happens after, it remains a failure and a very sad one too.

I don't know why people take divorce so lightly. It shouldn't be so easy to give up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Because do many people allow themselves to get into a rut. Then they balme their spouse for their own unhappyness.

We are a me-centered society.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> Why is it so hard to forgive and forget?...
> How could we forgive relatives and friends who have offended us, but not the spouse we promised to share our lives with....
> I can never be spontaneous, I always overthink things, I envy those who could).......Someday..someone will thank my stbxh for giving me up, because I will learn from my mistakes and make this someone really happy.


Ahhh, a telegram from your nonlogical mind.
Three things stuck out from the 'drunken static' here.

#1 some offenses are not careless offenses, but deliberate. These are harder to forget about. We want to find a logical explanation for why someone we trusted would be so hurtful. We have a difficult time looking at the reason directly. Sometimes we choose people for logical reasons, in some kind of act we call emotional courage and appropriate risk taking. Who were we kidding? We believed logic...next time use less of it and feel instead.

#2 not being able to be spontaneous and overthinking and reliance on complex logic can be a sign of abuse

#3 so can living in the future

I was so lucky, if you read my story I was a very logical person, to my absolute detriment. I ended up having very severe allergies because of stress plus season plus exposure to allergens plus some exposure to some toxic stuff in a building where I worked. I lost the ability to think logically, and had to follow intuition and feel...a different kind of truth which is more stable. It was a lot of fun, after I got started I didn't always need a reason to do what I was doing. I decided to learn how to dance. This trained my brain and my body and my feelings to be more in tune to some kind of thought process that bypassed my overthinking in a fun environment (glitter lights, music, and the places where I go are not clubs, so no alcohol...but friends and acquaintances...) It's so amazing when you can trust yourself to have learned moves but are in a dynamic where you are dancing, somehow following a lead and being aware of your surroundings but moving competently through them. It's a sort of flow that can really carry over into your day to day life.

So when you wake up and read this, go find a dance class 
You'll find it's possible to have fun with people without getting hurt or tripped up, and if a partner does do that to you, you only have to tolerate it for 3 minutes and not accept another dance...or you can choose to work it out with them and over time see the effects of not tolerating their 'power moves'. It's hard to explain, but it's fun, and it's one of those things that defies logic, so you should explore it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Homemaker,

Your words scream anger, hate and toxic ego. You've been badly hurt in the past. I can understand the wall you've built around you.

Dancing is not in any shape or form similar to a romantic bond.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't understand your comments, synthetic. A dance class sounds like the perfect way to meet people in a light, fun setting. 

I think the reason that we find it so hard to forgive our spouse is the image that we have of this person accepting and loving us like no one else in the world. We think that he/she should be able to read our minds, to fulfill our every need and desire.

Relationships are difficult, and we have to adjust to each other. We have to get over the idea that we had about this person, and learn who they really are. Can we put our ego aside to learn how they want to be loved? Can we stop competing with each other and support the other person? Not so easily done.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

lovesherman,

No issues with the dance class 

The topic of this thread is "why divorce". Homemaker's reply is a bitter one dismissing the original poster's questions/sadness and offering a fairly irrelevant/lousy escape route.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Interesting how we bring our own perspective to posts. I don't see Homemaker as bitter, and I thought she had an good approach to seeing the situation from a different point of view.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You may be right. I got a different vibe from it though.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> Why do people get divorce? Why is it so hard to forgive and forget?


I love this thinking and glad to hear it goes through someone else's head too. Mine is when I'm sober though; a glass of wine calms these thoughts for me.

I think people divorce/split because there are a lot of subconscious expectations attached to marriage. For instance, when my STBX and I lived together he would help cook meals and clean the house; it was a mutual adventure. After we married, I was expected to do those tasks and was sliced down for not getting them done. I still worked full time, had a child to raise, etc., but now I was the wife and he had expectations of me as his wife. The difficulty was he'd never admit to those expectations, which seemed to grow daily, and I was run down.

From a romantic viewpoint, divorce doesn't make sense. Can't we just work it out? From a logical viewpoint, it does. We can't work it out.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Ok...Sober, lucid, and wide awake now.

Thank you for all the feedback, all advice are much appreciated.

Synthetic, thank you for the support, I've read your story and it's comforting to hear the pain of separation from the opposite sex. Makes me realize that women doesn't have the monopoly on hurt feelings and desperation.

Homemaker..thanks for the advice, I'm a good dancer, If I may say so myself, I took hip hop and Jazz when I was younger. I guess I'm just not at a point in my life where switching partners every 3 minutes (if I don't like them) appeals to me. I didn't know that over thinking things and looking out to the future could be a sign of abuse. I thought it was just my mild OCD kicking in. I look to the future because I want to believe that the situation I am in right now is not how my story is going to end.

My husband is divorcing me, I would have fought tooth and nail to save my marriage had I seen any sign of compromise on my husband's part. But alas! I will sign the documents without any hesitation because although I believe marriage is a sacrament not to be taken lightly of, I refuse to be treated as a doormat, and chase after someone who doesn't want to get caught.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> I refuse to be treated as a doormat, and chase after someone who doesn't want to get caught.


:iagree:

Synthetic thinks I'm bitter and angry, I think he is my stbxh.
He sure does sound like him.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions here.
I thought you might be a dancer, something in the way you wrote.
Argentine Tango is more fun, because you can't forward think at all :-o Plus it's longer, and closer. I think if someone has never danced, I mean partner dancing, not choreography and not club or slow dancing...they don't get the benefits of learning about others and about yourself and your communication and interpersonal style through this medium. People who have made fun of therapy sometimes have never tried it either. 
I just think the thought of me out having any kind of fun or not thinking about what my husband did to me, is too much for someone who has read some of my more disturbing accounts of the relationship, to handle. But people do move on, by staying in the moment. Forward thinking is good, and checking out is good, but alcohol is not my style. I'd rather dance, write, read, work or go to the movies, etc. If I'm bitter and angry, I can't wait til I'm not. I feel bad for all the cheerful people who choose to spend time with me irl, hope I don't bring them down!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

:ezpi_wink1:


Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Synthetic thinks I'm bitter and angry, I think he is my stbxh.
> He sure does sound like him.



So what do you think of his letters?


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> I will sign the documents without any hesitation because although I believe marriage is a sacrament not to be taken lightly of, I refuse to be treated as a doormat, and chase after someone who doesn't want to get caught.


Good point. I am in the same boat. My wife is clearly no longer in love with me, and is moving out this week. Although the says she doesn't think it is likely that there will be reconciliation in the future, she is not sure. On one hand, she seems to have some hope, but it feels like she is just viewing me as option. On the other, she is leaving the marriage - that message is loud and clear. What is maddening is the our marriage counselor told me that in all his years of working with couples, he does not understand why someone would want to live a marriage with so much going for it, but she is leaving. She denies there is anyone else, and there is no evidence she has had an affair or has someone she's interested in, although this is a possibility.

As for your original question of "why divorce", I think much of it has to do with the culture we live in - a disposable society. For example, if a computer stops working, it's easy to get another instead of trying to fix the one you have. It's also easy upgrade since there is always something new and fresh coming out, with better features. It seems many people have lost the patience or will to stick by each other and truly address the issues in their marriages.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Because do many people allow themselves to get into a rut. Then they balme their spouse for their own unhappyness.
> 
> We are a me-centered society.


Bingo!


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