# ugh.... where do i even start



## Username7 (Oct 14, 2021)

Hello, I'm 39. My husband is 41. It's is 2nd marriage and my 1st. There are 7 children between the two of us, 5 from his prior marriage and 2 we had together. Ages are 2-17. Five of them live with us. (ages 2, 3, 14, 15, 17). We fight ALL THE TIME. About everything - there is NEVER an easy conversation... there's always some kind of underlying tension or condescending tone... or something uncomfortable. He makes me feel like crap about everything I am and how I handle things... how I communicate, etc etc. We even went to a therapist last week, one that I signed up for and chose... a male because I wanted my husband to feel comfortable... I was told that my communication style "fills a room" in a negative way... and that I need to be "softer". I'm not a soft person... I'm just not. I'm not "hard" either, but you can't ask me to be soft when I'm passionate about things I'm discussing. I've been thinking about this all week... it's not something completely new to me... I've always been "loud" or "hyper" or "passionate" and all the other words you use for someone who is not shy about her thoughts. I've always felt it was one of my strengths and now in this marriage, I have no self esteem, no confidence in who I am... when I do show confidence, it's more out of habit I think... he NEVER says any "thanks" or acknowledgment or signs that he's even paying attention to me. I feel like I do a lot for this family... as mom, stepmom and wife (I also run my own successful business)... and at the end of every day, I still feel completely empty. 

He doesn't hold any children responsible for anything... until I bring it up or things hit the fan, like an ineligibility letter from school. I don't want to be the bad guy.. especially to my step kids... but they live in my house too... so I can't just let the things not get done and then watch my husband pay them for chores each week... or listen to them asking for things when they're not "holding up their side" of things. They are old enough (the teens)... is it really my role as stepmom to remind them of chores every day? Making their lunches for school every night? Picking up after themselves? And if I do... I get allll the attitude. I don't want that - its not fair. But if I don't... or if I don't mention it to husband... no one is held accountable. OR, he just ends up a talking head and the kids know it and it's just more tension. And I feel stupid. 

He gets SO angry.... standing over me, pointing finger at me, yelling. I'm not "scared", but it's completely unacceptable. And he doesn't see it that way... it's ALWAYS my fault or my doing.... I caused it, every time. He never sees things my way and he'll say I never see things his way.... 

WHAT DO OTHERS DO IN MY SITUATION?!?! Where do I even start?!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Username7 said:


> Hello, I'm 39. My husband is 41. It's is 2nd marriage and my 1st. There are 7 children between the two of us, 5 from his prior marriage and 2 we had together. Ages are 2-17. Five of them live with us. (ages 2, 3, 14, 15, 17). We fight ALL THE TIME. About everything - there is NEVER an easy conversation... there's always some kind of underlying tension or condescending tone... or something uncomfortable. He makes me feel like crap about everything I am and how I handle things... how I communicate, etc etc. We even went to a therapist last week, one that I signed up for and chose... a male because I wanted my husband to feel comfortable... I was told that my communication style "fills a room" in a negative way... and that I need to be "softer". I'm not a soft person... I'm just not. I'm not "hard" either, but you can't ask me to be soft when I'm passionate about things I'm discussing. I've been thinking about this all week... it's not something completely new to me... I've always been "loud" or "hyper" or "passionate" and all the other words you use for someone who is not shy about her thoughts. I've always felt it was one of my strengths and now in this marriage, I have no self esteem, no confidence in who I am... when I do show confidence, it's more out of habit I think... he NEVER says any "thanks" or acknowledgment or signs that he's even paying attention to me. I feel like I do a lot for this family... as mom, stepmom and wife (I also run my own successful business)... and at the end of every day, I still feel completely empty.
> 
> He doesn't hold any children responsible for anything... until I bring it up or things hit the fan, like an ineligibility letter from school. I don't want to be the bad guy.. especially to my step kids... but they live in my house too... so I can't just let the things not get done and then watch my husband pay them for chores each week... or listen to them asking for things when they're not "holding up their side" of things. They are old enough (the teens)... is it really my role as stepmom to remind them of chores every day? Making their lunches for school every night? Picking up after themselves? And if I do... I get allll the attitude. I don't want that - its not fair. But if I don't... or if I don't mention it to husband... no one is held accountable. OR, he just ends up a talking head and the kids know it and it's just more tension. And I feel stupid.
> 
> ...



My standard advice is DIVORCE. Why,
1. He's 41. He's not going to change. he's set in his ways. It's not impossible, but extremely rare for an individual at this age to change. 
2. because you are verbally and psychologically abused. Basically, he has not respect for you or the relationship. 
3. You were chosen for a specific role: new mommy/maid.
4. he dumped on you all children responsibilities. only when the **** hits the fan he intervenes in an ineffective/detrimental way for authority.
5. You two are not in the same wavelength emotionally, romantically and in the partnership.

You could be doing a lot better on your own with only your children and later on with a man (if that's what you want) that respects you, loves you, and cherishes you.

My question to you is: if this is your life with this man, Why are you still with him? Why?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Username7 said:


> We even went to a therapist last week, one that I signed up for and chose... a male because I wanted my husband to feel comfortable... I was told that my communication style "fills a room" in a negative way... and that I need to be "softer". I'm not a soft person... I'm just not.


This was the therapist's observation? Or was this what your husband said?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Maybe your "loud and hyper" is creating a negative dynamic in your marriage that keeps perpetuating. Where those the thoughts of the counselor?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You took a very important step by enlisting the help of a counselor but one appointment isn't going to help. My suggestion is continue with the sessions, but the BOTH of you have to commit to trying if anything good is to come of it. You also have to consider that we only know one side of the story.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Are you "loud" with his kids also, or just him? Blending families is just about the hardest thing to do, and why second and third marriages fail at an 80% clip.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Loud and Passionate is code speak for Lots of Biatchin’. Maybe he is feeding you some of your “Loud and Passionate” back at you when you say he is screaming. Maybe that is exactly what he is hearing from you all the time. 

Remember: The therapist brought it up .. a neutral third party .... think about that.


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## Username7 (Oct 14, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Maybe your "loud and hyper" is creating a negative dynamic in your marriage that keeps perpetuating. Where those the thoughts of the counselor?


 He didn't exactly explain further - he said the comment, and then said the line "it's not that that's a bad thing, but we need to balance it" and made the hand gesture of one hand high and one hand low and then coming together ya know.... it was pretty shocking to hear it in our first session... such a judgment already on me. To your point, maybe that's what he's getting at.... I'd love to have had a more professional explanation that didn't leave me feeling like I'm "the problem" all week


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Are you "loud" with his kids also, or just him? Blending families is just about the hardest thing to do, and why second and third marriages fail at an 80% clip.


I think I’d rather stab my self in the face with a fork.


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## Username7 (Oct 14, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> This was the therapist's observation? Or was this what your husband said?


Yes - therapist said this.... I don't think anyone would agree that I can "fill a room"... but it's always been a strength... things that have been positive for me.... until now, from this therapist.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Username7 said:


> He didn't exactly explain further - he said the comment, and then said the line "it's not that that's a bad thing, but we need to balance it" and made the hand gesture of one hand high and one hand low and then coming together ya know.... it was pretty shocking to hear it in our first session... such a judgment already on me. To your point, maybe that's what he's getting at.... I'd love to have had a more professional explanation that didn't leave me feeling like I'm "the problem" all week


The explanation seems clear to me even without your above further comments.


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## Username7 (Oct 14, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Are you "loud" with his kids also, or just him? Blending families is just about the hardest thing to do, and why second and third marriages fail at an 80% clip.


My husband tells me that I "leave people in my wake" when I'm upset about things. I say my piece and leave no room for much response from the kids. This only happens when I've come to my last straw on something, and frankly I still think I'm "nicer" about it than any bio mother would be to her children when they push her over the edge ya know!


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You know whether or not you get ghetto and you know if you do that's never a positive thing or a strength. C'mon now.

As others have said blending families is one of the hardest mountains to climb, probably why most of the time you see it, it's on television. You have two toddlers and three teenagers, that's a warzone even if the families aren't blended. That's going to take a lot of compromise from both sides to make that work. See how therapy goes and give it an honest shake but at 39 you don't just want to ride it out for another ten years just hoping it gets better.

Good luck.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Al_Bundy said:


> You know whether or not you get ghetto and you know if you do that's never a positive thing or a strength. C'mon now.
> 
> As others have said blending families is one of the hardest mountains to climb, probably why most of the time you see it, it's on television. You have two toddlers and three teenagers, that's a warzone even if the families aren't blended. That's going to take a lot of compromise from both sides to make that work. See how therapy goes and give it an honest shake but at 39 you don't just want to ride it out for another ten years just hoping it gets better.
> 
> Good luck.


That would have been great advice before having a herd of children. Why do people do this stuff?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Username7 said:


> Yes - therapist said this.... I don't think anyone would agree that I can "fill a room"... but it's always been a strength... things that have been positive for me.... until now, from this therapist.


Ok. So the therapist. Now ask yourself - why did you want to go to therapy? Was it to fix the dynamic in your marriage? Or was it to fix your husband?

Because if it's the second one, you might as well try tilting at windmills. 

If it's the first? Start with an open mind, and listen to and trust the therapist. Accept his observations, and really try his recommendations.

I have to say, being loud, assertive, hyper, and such are wonderful qualities for running and growing a business. They are horrible qualities for the care and feeding of husbands. As you see, you'll either end up with a doormat of a husband, or the two of you will fight about everything.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Username7 said:


> My husband tells me that I "leave people in my wake" when I'm upset about things. I say my piece and leave no room for much response from the kids. This only happens when I've come to my last straw on something, and frankly I still think I'm "nicer" about it than any bio mother would be to her children when they push her over the edge ya know!


I have had this reaction with my wife. We have 5 kids between us and I do feel that she comes down pretty sharp sometimes on my kids. Thing is, you aren't the bio mom. As much as we want it to be the same, we want to be one big family, it is going to take time and the step parent is going to have to take a softer approach, the bio parent can come down harder because there is that known unconditional love/bond there. 

You should look up Ron Deal's books and website. We actually found a group class with other blended families in our area and it is a huge relief to know that others have the same problems we do. It helps us to know that the fight over the dishwasher doesnt have to turn into world war three. We have to keep reminding ourselves of these things. 

I would also tell the therapist that you have felt down about the way he talked last week. 

As an aside, Ron Deal talks about the 'crock pot method' and basically says that blended families typically take 5-7 years to really be ok. That is a long time and I know from experience how awful constant tension is but knowing that gives us some hope at least. We are 3 years this month.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DownButNotOut said:


> I have to say, being loud, assertive, hyper, and such are wonderful qualities for running and growing a business. They are horrible qualities for the care and feeding of husbands.


Or children.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

And how many casting dispersions here ever raised a pack of 7 children?

Any family i've know that large the wife is a drill sargent and dad backs her up. There just isn't a great way to do it with that many. You can be loving and still expect teenagers to frickin help out around the house. And if they don't want her in their business then they should take care of business and if Dad doesn't like it how about he actually steps up and parents instead of rugsweeping.

OP get out. Take your children and your successful business and go. You will never win in this dynamic and while you can change some. The situation won't change and he isn't going to become a leader.

I'm a loud and passionate person. I simply found someone that gets me. Likes me for me. That said I do try to tone it down so to speak. But I'm comfortable being me. If he makes what you are into something terrible that's on him. If he was a man they would simply call him Type A achiever or decisive or a leader. If it's a woman then we are a *****. Forunately you only need 1 man who knows he can be a man and have a wife who isn't a simp. I take that back. You don't NEED any man.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Further with 5 children he was looking for someone to take charge. That's most likely what attracted him to you. But now he doesn't like it but won't take charge himself.

I'm sorry you wasted your 1st marriage on a man that didn't truly love you, or cherish you but it seems he wanted a nanny, and stepmom appliance.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The teenagers can make their own lunch. That isn't your job. Either they make it or their dad makes it. At their ages, they can pretty much take care of themselves. 

As far as your communication style filling a room and leaving people in your wake, remember that a softer voice gets listened to whereas a loud, yammering & hammering voice gets ignored. 

Try to talk softly and carry a big stick i.e. consequences for kids not doing their chores. And, for husband not backing you up. I don't know how you can keep up intimacy when you feel undermined by your husband. If he complains about lack of affection, simply tell him that you don't feel close to him. 

Do his kids ever spend time with their mother?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Username7 said:


> Hello, I'm 39. My husband is 41. It's is 2nd marriage and my 1st. There are 7 children between the two of us, 5 from his prior marriage and 2 we had together. Ages are 2-17. Five of them live with us. (ages 2, 3, 14, 15, 17). We fight ALL THE TIME. About everything - there is NEVER an easy conversation... there's always some kind of underlying tension or condescending tone... or something uncomfortable. He makes me feel like crap about everything I am and how I handle things... how I communicate, etc etc. We even went to a therapist last week, one that I signed up for and chose... a male because I wanted my husband to feel comfortable... I was told that my communication style "fills a room" in a negative way... and that I need to be "softer". I'm not a soft person... I'm just not. I'm not "hard" either, but you can't ask me to be soft when I'm passionate about things I'm discussing. I've been thinking about this all week... it's not something completely new to me... I've always been "loud" or "hyper" or "passionate" and all the other words you use for someone who is not shy about her thoughts. I've always felt it was one of my strengths and now in this marriage, I have no self esteem, no confidence in who I am... when I do show confidence, it's more out of habit I think... he NEVER says any "thanks" or acknowledgment or signs that he's even paying attention to me. I feel like I do a lot for this family... as mom, stepmom and wife (I also run my own successful business)... and at the end of every day, I still feel completely empty.
> 
> He doesn't hold any children responsible for anything... until I bring it up or things hit the fan, like an ineligibility letter from school. I don't want to be the bad guy.. especially to my step kids... but they live in my house too... so I can't just let the things not get done and then watch my husband pay them for chores each week... or listen to them asking for things when they're not "holding up their side" of things. They are old enough (the teens)... is it really my role as stepmom to remind them of chores every day? Making their lunches for school every night? Picking up after themselves? And if I do... I get allll the attitude. I don't want that - its not fair. But if I don't... or if I don't mention it to husband... no one is held accountable. OR, he just ends up a talking head and the kids know it and it's just more tension. And I feel stupid.
> 
> ...


I'd get out of the marriage. I feel you are just his babysitter, and he's not a very nice employer. I mean, think how peaceful things would be if it was just you and your two. He's abusive. Sounds like you both yell, so that's bad for the kids. I mean, if it isn't working and is every day fighting, why are you even still together?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

@DownByTheRiver I'm sure you mean "just you and your two, half the time" right? I mean, you aren't suggesting she break up the family and then deprive her two children of their father are you?

OP, if you want to stop all the fighting, and you want to let therapy work, wonderful. You will have to look at yourself as well has him though. You'll need to find better ways of communicating to both him, and his teens. And realize that there is a big difference between a parent, and a step-parent. Especially when you're fairly new to teenagers' lives.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> @DownByTheRiver I'm sure you mean "just you and your two, half the time" right? I mean, you aren't suggesting she break up the family and then deprive her two children of their father are you?
> 
> OP, if you want to stop all the fighting, and you want to let therapy work, wonderful. You will have to look at yourself as well has him though. You'll need to find better ways of communicating to both him, and his teens. And realize that there is a big difference between a parent, and a step-parent. Especially when you're fairly new to teenagers' lives.


I don't know what would even make you think that. He'd have them half the time, but he wouldn't be around when she had them, which sounds like it would be a colossal relief.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Username7 said:


> He didn't exactly explain further - he said the comment, and then said the line "it's not that that's a bad thing, but we need to balance it" and made the hand gesture of one hand high and one hand low and then coming together ya know.... it was pretty shocking to hear it in our first session... such a judgment already on me. To your point, maybe that's what he's getting at.... I'd love to have had a more professional explanation that didn't leave me feeling like I'm "the problem" all week


The thing is, sometimes we are the problem, and that’s ok? It’s not a bad thing, or a judgement to be told by a third party that something you’re doing may not be helping YOU. 

Think about it. Counselling is sometimes good in that way. If we all went into therapy wondering how to stay the same but get a different result, what’s the point? Then nothing changes. Growth and change and good outcomes sometimes mean, hey, I’m not happy and maybe, just maybe, I have a problem. 

It doesn’t mean you change who you are as a person. You can still be passionate! You can still be you - but maybe with a softer tone? A different voice? A pause before exploding? It may just help YOU too! And stick with it too, and then come back to yourself a year later and honestly assess how the small improvements have helped YOU relate to yourself, your husband and your kids. 

Your therapist sounds good. Really try this. We can all be pulled aside sometimes and take a good look at ourselves.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Username7 said:


> He didn't exactly explain further - he said the comment, and then said the line "it's not that that's a bad thing, but we need to balance it" and made the hand gesture of one hand high and one hand low and then coming together ya know.... it was pretty shocking to hear it in our first session... such a judgment already on me. To your point, maybe that's what he's getting at.... I'd love to have had a more professional explanation that didn't leave me feeling like I'm "the problem" all week


So did he address your husband standing over you and yelling? Did he address any of your husbands issues or just yours? It's natural that in therapy everyone gets something to work on so what is your husband supposed to be working on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Interesting that the therapist came to such a conclusion after only one session.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Change therapist...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the therapist needs to go back to school


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

So many things going on with your post but I'll start with the easiest. Therapy is 50% about how comfortable you feel with the therapist and 50% what they actually advise. I've done couples counseling and was told by the two I went to that their job wasn't to point out our individual issues but to facilitate communication. What your therapist told you would be an automatic next for me, especially after one session where you probably only got as far as describing basic information about your marriage history and the reason for wanting therapy. Give that therapist one more shot but if he continues to focus just on you, fire him.

On to your other issues.

Do you think your relationship with the husband would improve without his kids living there? I mean, assuming his kids were out of the picture, would you want to continue being married to him? Is he a good husband otherwise?

The good news is that your step kids are older teens. Hopefully they will be out of your house soon. You are looking at 5 years max. If nothing else changes, can you hold out that long?



Username7 said:


> he NEVER says any "thanks" or acknowledgment or signs that he's even paying attention to me. I feel like I do a lot for this family... as mom, stepmom and wife (I also run my own successful business)... and at the end of every day, I still feel completely empty.


Have you read Five Love Languages? Would you and your husband be willing to read it? It sounds like your love language is Words of Affirmation. 

How does he show you he loves you?



Username7 said:


> I can't just let the things not get done and then watch my husband pay them for chores each week... or listen to them asking for things when they're not "holding up their side" of things. They are old enough (the teens)... is it really my role as stepmom to remind them of chores every day? Making their lunches for school every night? Picking up after themselves?


Uhm, why are you taking responsibility for his kids. You are taking away his role as their father. You don't get to re-train them to your liking. That's part of marrying a person with children. They are fully formed individuals. All you can do is bring your husband your problems with them in a calm manner. 

Stop making lunches. Their dad can give them lunch money, he can make it himself, or he can tell his kids to make their food.

Stop nagging them about chores. If they leave their **** laying around, put it in a trash bag and leave it on the curb. If their dad can afford paying them for chores, he can afford maid service once a week. It's not your job to teach them life skills. That's mom and dad's job. You just need to make sure they aren't impeding your life.




Username7 said:


> He gets SO angry.... standing over me, pointing finger at me, yelling. I'm not "scared", but it's completely unacceptable


Whenever this happens you need to put your hand up and say "Stop. You're making me uncomfortable. I'm going [for a walk, take the little ones to get ice cream or go to playground, to a friend's house] to give us time to cool off. We can calmly have this discussion then", and then you do what you said you would do. You do this every time. If he's a smart man, he'll figure it out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am a strong and passionate person, but I don't scream, shout or yell. 
My advise would be pick your battles and listen more and shout less. 
Have regular family meetings where you can calmly (hopefully) talk about what is going on.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> the therapist needs to go back to school


Or maybe he is insightful. Or maybe @Username7 has a very obvious negative communication style. Remember, we are only getting one side of the story. I get the impression that the OP was hoping the therapist would put all the blame on the husband, but her plan backfired. Now her issues are front an center for all to see and she doesn't want to face them.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The way I see it based on just the OP side of things: regardless of her "fill the room" style per her exposition of her husband treatment toward her in all aspects of their relationship, I fail to see why OP should stay with him. It would be better for her to just divorce. The dude married her to get a Maid/mommy/sex partner, while he's not punching the clock in the relationship. It's easy to point fingers at OP as to her "fill the room" style as the reason why the husband reacts towards her, but if what the OP is saying is true in all aspects, then my conclusion is that the husband is the one mistreating her, taking her for granted, and using her to take care of things. I pointed out in my first post the reasons why she should get out of this relationship, and that was the reason I didn't even mentioned the obvious "fill the room" style that "leave people in her wake", because i think it's besides the point in the relationship (not that it does not matters to the husband, because, apparently it does).


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If the Bradys can do it, anyone can do it. 

Maybe you need an Alice.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

Ugh..you are living a nightmare that I have been going through for almost 2 decades. I have also been accused of not being nurturing enough or "soft" enough..my husband and 3 SS who are all young adults now..believe i should damn near whisper kind soft words when I am addressing any problems...becuz thats what his mom did. My husband on the other hand can say the F word to all of us and scream his head off put his fists thru walls ..same w his 3 boys..and thats fine..but a woman should be calm and quiet and a door mat. You do not need to be a door mat or change how u are..your expectations are NOT unreasonable. If anything try to be more aware of your tone..since teens and young adults these days are much more sensitive than we were growing up. Do not allow your husband or stepchildren to be disrespectful to you. You have a family meeting and make your boundaries and expectations clear to everyone. Your children together will learn from the others that live with you and they will eventually copy their behavior if it isn't stopped. That is one point I make frequently to my husband..how our 2 children witness my SS being lazy, rude and disrespectful with zero consequences.


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