# HD/LD Divorce isn't an option.



## jdx674 (Dec 29, 2013)

obviously new here. I did some lurking before I signed up. 

I hope I can get some insight into what my wife and I are dealing with. Please no advice for divorce, bc if that's going to happen, we are many steps away from that. 

My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for 5, and have a young daughter. When we first met, we were drinking like 23 year olds do. and the sex was awesome!! She is very shy, but in the first few months she really opened up to me in every way, even without drinking. and it confirmed what I thought when I first saw her, I was in love.

We got engaged, and took premarital counseling. We both thought that we got great advice. and I stand by it to this day. One of the things that we were advised to do was to take three months off of sex before the wedding. And I'm glad we did. It helped make sure that we were marrying each other due to actual love not lust. 

But the honeymoon revieled that things had gone backwards some in the bedroom. That's okay, its to be expected, she was shy and needs to be reassured that I'm very okay with her and want her to feel comfortable. as the years have passed, she had a medical condition and our daughter. and the sex life has never even gotten back to what it was before we were married, let alone progressed to something that I thought it was going to be. 

We have had fights, tear jerking emotional conversations, pleading, a bunch of stuff to help "jump start" things again. I've bought so many ****ing flowers I am an expert in floral arrangements and I don't buy vases, but use her favorites when I get new flowers. 

The Heart of the Problem. 

I love this woman, she loves me. We know that we show love differently. Things got really serious this fall. I quit beating around the bush, I told her flat out what I needed in my life. That I had tried all sorts of usual distractions, but I was quickly becoming bitter towards her and I was hating myself for my needs and for being bitter towards her. i was becoming a bad father bc of my attitude and a bad husband. She promised to try, but nothing. I know she wants to please me, and I told her small steps to try to show that she is willing, but nothing. 

I refuse to give up on someone that I love so much other then one area. I'm going to see a counselor soon hopefully. But anything to see if I have missed something? personal experience that changed your life? or will I end up just getting a mistress then divorce?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not about you loving her, it's about her loving you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So when she refuses you, you give her flowers? Sounds like she responds very well to your training.


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## jdx674 (Dec 29, 2013)

yeah, I cut a ton of info out bc I could have gone on for hours. She and I talked and each time we talk she suggest things that would help her be more willing to think about bedroom activities. Bc in her eyes, she just doesn't think about it at all. Much like we never think about radio waves over our heads. 

So there is a very long list of things that I do and have done, none have worked. Flowers happen to be something that she truly loves. 

And I am not training my wife. I see us as two people that are working to climb a mountain together.


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## jdx674 (Dec 29, 2013)

and she does show her love. Lots of ways. All ways except sex.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you think about what's important to her?


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## jdx674 (Dec 29, 2013)

yes.


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## jdx674 (Dec 29, 2013)

I obsess about it. One option I haven't done is stop showing her my love and support. I don't think that will solve anything. I don't believe in hurting someone on purpose to show them how hurt you are. She is aware of my concerns and needs.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well - (I am in similar circumstances with my husband only reversed.) It's really not that complicated. You guys are parents - how many things do you do for your child because it important to your child's health and well being? Do you always feel like getting up when you would rather be sleeping - sit there and spoon feed someone before you can eat and all the other things we don't really feel like doing or didn't used to think about?

How hard is it to remember that your spouse's self esteem is in your hands and that a healthy sexual relationship is vital to a marriage? My husband gets out of bed early on the weekends to take the dog out because he knows I'm no a morning person. He brings me coffee in bed, very nice, but never notices that 3 weeks have gone by without sex.

It's a matter of priorities in my opinion. 

However I can't solve your problem because I have been unable to solve my own. I can give you a list of things that don't work, if you need them.

Best of luck to you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

jdx674 said:


> I obsess about it. One option I haven't done is stop showing her my love and support.


That does work if everything else you tried doesn't. As long as she knows that you won't do anything serious, she doesn't see this as a problem. In her eyes, you're clearly willing to accept things the way they are. 

It worked for me and it worked for many other men here. You already are doing step one. Understand her needs and make sure you're meeting them. Step two is dig for resentments and deal with them as needed. Step three is make yourself a better man. Get into shape if you're not. 

If that doesn't work, move to the final step. Make it clear that you're not going to take this. That you're not going to spend the rest of your life this way. That you'd rather spend it with her, but if that happens is up to you.



jdx674 said:


> I don't think that will solve anything. I don't believe in hurting someone on purpose to show them how hurt you are.


It's not about hurting her. It is making it clear that you will not accept things the way they are. Right now she's convinced otherwise because until you do, she will be right.



jdx674 said:


> She is aware of my concerns and needs.


But she doesn't care about them. Or at least realize how important they are to you.

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Good luck.


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## jdx674 (Dec 29, 2013)

MissScarlett, knowing that you and I share in the same misery helps.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jdx674 said:


> I obsess about it. One option I haven't done is stop showing her my love and support. I don't think that will solve anything. I don't believe in hurting someone on purpose to show them how hurt you are. She is aware of my concerns and needs.


I do not think this would help. I think it could make things much worse.

Some people here make dates for sex. Would that work?

Could you talk to someone who could influence her?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

The real question is whether she has low desire for sex or an actual aversion to it. Do you have any insights?


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## jdx674 (Dec 29, 2013)

zoo, I thought she had something traumatic happen to her sexually too. So that was covered extensively. She insists that she just has no desire.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Again - excuses. I have no desire to clean my house but its something that gets done.

I do think par of the tipping point to this situation is the real possibility that she will be left over her inattention. I have not reached the point where I'm able to turn this card yet - but there are ways of withdrawing affection. Will she notice if you stop with the flowers? When she notices - draw attention to the similarities.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

jdx674 said:


> zoo, I thought she had something traumatic happen to her sexually too. So that was covered extensively. She insists that she just has no desire.


Just because she swears up and down that such things never happened, doesn't mean they didn't. Some victims of abuse are so damaged by it that they simply cannot admit it. It is truly sad.

I'm not saying your wife is a victim of such things, but it did occur to me. My point is this: if she simply has low desire, there is no reason for you to accept her putting forth so little effort to meet your needs. We all do things every day that we don't have desire to do but they don't actually harm us. I am sure you do things for her that are not exactly fulfilling for you. She can do the same.

If she did suffer some from of trauma, it's a whole different situation. Pressuring someone like that will make things many times worse. 

I wish I had something more definitive for you, but it really is up to your wife. As long as she doesn't see the situation as a problem, it is YOUR problem. If she refuses to meet your needs, you have a difficult decision to make. Your options:

A) Accept the occasional "lets get this over with" duty sex (if you even get that) and masturbate for the rest

B) Split up and find someone else who will better meet your needs

C) Engage in an affair to get your sexual needs met.

None of these seem particularly good for you and hopefully you will completely reject option C. 

So the question for you is, "What if?" What if she flat-out refuses to make an effort to improve the situation? Do you think you can accept that for the long term? Some men do. I don't think I could.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jdx674 said:


> obviously new here. I did some lurking before I signed up.
> 
> I hope I can get some insight into what my wife and I are dealing with. Please no advice for divorce, bc if that's going to happen, we are many steps away from that.
> 
> ...



When you got married, you both are to take care of each other needs as your own now. No excuses. So if one is HD and the other LD, the LD spouse must make the effort and the HD spouse must compromise a bit.

My wifee and I took the 5 love languages quiz together and compared the results. I am HD and my love language is Physical 12. She is LD and her love language is Acts of Service 12. That means she wants to please me sexually and won't allow me to please her sexually nearly as much, and that's just the way she is. It is frustrating at times because I want to rock her world like she rocks mine, but that isn't her thing. Now when I initiate sex, she no longer makes excuses and we now have sex around 3x week instead of 1x month. She is also loosing weight and going back to the gym, which has boosted her confidence and she is much more secure about herself.

Find out what her love language is and then she'll know what your love language is as well. Go from there.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


If she knows the low sex situation is causing major issues, she shouldn't ignore it and let this slide. If she truly loves you, she will make the effort to take care of you in the bedroom.

I went with sex 1x month for 14 years of marriage until coming to TAM and also taking the 5 love languages quiz. Marriage changer and I can't thank everyone enough here.:smthumbup:

The nicer you are, more flowers, etc., that doesn't work because nice guys finish last. I did the same thing and it didn't change anything either. And my wifee is also the shy type.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

As long as you say divorce isn't an option, you are screwed.

I'm sorry but that is the way it is.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

tom67 said:


> As long as you say divorce isn't an option, you are screwed.
> 
> I'm sorry but that is the way it is.


I disagree. I practically was this woman a few years ago. My hubby has always said he will never get divorced, or "doesn't believe in divorce" to be exact. We had all the arguments, I had all the excuses to not have sex. He stopped meeting my needs and I ended up feeling desperately unhappy. So I researched how to change things, divorce never being an option. We have two young children and I still loved him despite being unhappy. I found a forum and was told to read 'His needs her needs'. I also read 'how to get the love you want'.

I came to understand his point of view better. We are now much happier.

I'm not sure how much of this pushed me to change but here are some things he did that seem to differ from many men I've read about. He never masturbated. He showed me his sometimes extreme frustration. He told me he shouldn't have to as he was married, it was my job to handle it for him. He never let me think my excuses were anything but excuses. He was very honest about what he thought in that regard. It got to the point that he stopped touching me at all, he said if we were going to have a sexless marriage, he could only deal with it by having nothing physical between us at all.

These are extremes I would hope you wouldn't need to go to. One more thing, whenever I said I just had a low sex drive and couldn't help it he would tell me the only thing that would change that was to have sex. Who would've thought but he was right. The more you have sex, the more you think about it. I had to have sex when it was the last thing I felt like doing, but hell, I'm only going to be married once right?! &#55357;&#56845;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

breeze said:


> I disagree. I practically was this woman a few years ago. My hubby has always said he will never get divorced, or "doesn't believe in divorce" to be exact. We had all the arguments, I had all the excuses to not have sex. He stopped meeting my needs and I ended up feeling desperately unhappy. So I researched how to change things, divorce never being an option. We have two young children and I still loved him despite being unhappy. I found a forum and was told to read 'His needs her needs'. I also read 'how to get the love you want'.
> 
> I came to understand his point of view better. We are now much happier.
> 
> ...


Interesting feedback Breeze. Could I ask for some insight? I have had some challenges (posted previously on here) in my marriage. Been getting much better and lot of affection outside of sex being shown. The sex issue burns in me and I have had the conversation a few times about how the frequent rejections have hurt over time etc, resulting in monthly or every 2 month sex.

I'd be curious to see how you view my current situation. Since the last time I expressed my hurt feelings and view on the rejections of sex, I have decided I'm not going to initiate for a while. Been about 3 weeks now since last time we had sex. She's been VERY affectionate during this time, more than she has been in a LONG time. As tempting as its been, I'm not initiating any sexual activity, yet still being affectionate. Does this seem like the right thing to do? 
2 things could happen: she'll initiate at some point or she'll never initiate and be perfectly fine going sexless for months. Thoughts?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think that it just very much depends on the individual. 

While some may see the distance as an incentive to take positive action others might just as well see it as justification for a sexless marriage. 

Anyway just because someone is taking the positive approach to solving the problem should not mean that discussion of the issue would be dropped.

There seems to be a few people who have taken a more assertive stance and had success. Scheduling seems to work for my wife. 

Marriage counseling, self help books, etc.. If she is willing to work on it I see that as being hopeful and being much better than simply shutting down.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Jdx - are you happy? If yes, get on with life. If not, then you have to have all options (including divorce) on the table.

The sexual switch in alot of women can get turned off once they have had a baby. Its as if they have accomplished what they were sent here to do therefore sex is no longer important to them.

Please believe me that if you don't sort this now it will only get worse. You will become more resentful, you will become more and more unhappy, the chances of you having an affair will increase significantly...you will probably end up despising your wife for having robbed you of something very important to men..sex. Its how we bond, its how we show our love.

Make 2014 the year in which you sort this out with your wife. Hopefully a compromise that works well for both of you and that you are happy with....if not, look after number one because no one else will.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Welcome to TAM. Why do you think she cannot or will not seek to meet your needs? Why do you think she has no desire? Has anything happened in her or your life to set off a trigger? How long have you been married? Are their kids involved? Could she be in a depression or have family issues?

Please be reassured that you are not alone..and you have high integrity that divorce is very low on your solution list.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

BostonBruins32 said:


> Interesting feedback Breeze. Could I ask for some insight? I have had some challenges (posted previously on here) in my marriage. Been getting much better and lot of affection outside of sex being shown. The sex issue burns in me and I have had the conversation a few times about how the frequent rejections have hurt over time etc, resulting in monthly or every 2 month sex.
> 
> I'd be curious to see how you view my current situation. Since the last time I expressed my hurt feelings and view on the rejections of sex, I have decided I'm not going to initiate for a while. Been about 3 weeks now since last time we had sex. She's been VERY affectionate during this time, more than she has been in a LONG time. As tempting as its been, I'm not initiating any sexual activity, yet still being affectionate. Does this seem like the right thing to do?
> 2 things could happen: she'll initiate at some point or she'll never initiate and be perfectly fine going sexless for months. Thoughts?


I don't think she will make any effort to meet your need for sex if you are fulfilling her needs. She has no incentive because she's getting what she wants, an affectionate guy who doesn't push for sex. The reason I had to look at changing was because my DH was getting very cold towards me. It was obvious we couldn't go on indefinitely like that. Be honest with your actions. Show your displeasure. It can't be all words, because she's hearing it but I don't think she really believes it. Can't need sex all that much when you're still hugging and kissing and talking like everything's okay the rest of the time... That's what she'll be thinking.

You can't just talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk.

Just thought I'd add this; I think that when a man masturbates in a marriage where he is unhappy with his wife for not having enough sex he is causing his own problems in getting her to see that is a very serious issue for him. He's causing the thoughts she probably has that his issue is easily fixed himself. His frustration isn't showing on a level she will respond to. When her husband has a wet dream, he should tell her. If he's going nuts be could go pump some iron instead of cuddling on the couch (my DH told me this helped with his frustration) and TELL her WHY! "This lack of sex is driving me ****ing nuts! This is your problem, fix it!" Start being honest with her.

Note that I have nothing against masturbation, but after being married and coming to make such a huge change to improve my marriage, I think that unless used during sex, it's just a way of fulfilling your needs outside of the marriage, and that's never going to get you what you REALLY want, which is your partner stepping up to the plate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

What is her medical condition?

Has she had her thyroid and hormone levels checked?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

If she has no medical reason or traumatic past for sexual disfunction...

You are getting hosed. Fact is you don't make her panties wet. Stop asking for sex so mommy can dole it out like candy to a good boy. 

Go fix yourself. Get in shape. Read the married mans sex primer. First rule, you can't fix her, only yourself. 

Sounds to me like you do too much doting and not enough being in charge.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> We all do things every day that we don't have desire to do but they don't actually harm us. I am sure you do things for her that are not exactly fulfilling for you. She can do the same.


I agree.

How sad that she has no desire for her husband, nor any regard for his needs.

I LOVE making love with my husband...it's one of the ways of expressing my love for him, to him.

I can't imagine ever being so callous as to completely disregard his feelings. Sex for men is often about so much more than physical release...it's how they express love to their partners...how they feel loved and connected to their partners.

How cruel to deny them this...

**this does NOT apply in the case of genuine inability to have sex i.e. illness/accident...obviously


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