# Ashamed and need help!



## hcsif1410

Here's the situation- We've been married for 7 years, most of the marriage I've taken my wife for granted. I haven't been as affectionate as I should have been, didn't listen, didn't appreciate her, basically took her for granted in every way. Also, in the meantime I was inappropriate with other women (online or texting, nothing physical but now understand there is no difference). I am 16 years older than my wife and was her first serious relationship. She had been nothing but the perfect wife and that is no joke, she had been 100% faithful, loyal committed, supportive, understanding, caring, everything you can imagine in a marriage. Here's the kicker besides me being a butthead and not realizing what I had from the beginning. I was involved in some serious legal issues for the last 3+ years, ultimately I was able to prove my innocence for the most part but served 7 months in county jail. My wife was very supportive for the first 5 months (visiting twice a week and sending me inspirational letters weekly) then I felt a disconnect. Within 2 days of coming home because of her honesty she told me she reached out for support and attention and ultimately cheated on me (no sex) twice. She felt at this point she needed to find herself and see if she could find happiness elsewhere or she'd resent me if we powered through these tough times not knowing what could have been. She's very confused and I want to give her space If its the right thing to do. I finally got a clue being away from her for 220 days and I adore her immensely and hold her up on a pedestal with hopes of being able to make her happy once again and working through this. Also during this time I was extremely stressed due to the consequences, smoked pot daily all day to help cope and felt that these two things were directly related to the way I treated her. I am now drug free, clear headed, know what I have and stress free for the most part. She told me that she "loves me but doesn't know if she's in love with me" but also feels she may just is being selfish. She really is very honest and open. We are scheduled to start counseling but after spending the last 3 hours researching online I see that that may not be the answer but I am willing to try anything and so is she as long as there is progress. She wants to put her time and effort elsewhere if there is none. Any comments welcome PLEASE!!


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## Stretch

I am going to have to make some assumptions based on some gaps in your story so forgive me if I asume incorrectly.

If you are going to separate, write down the terms of your separation and the end date of your time apart. I strongly suggest that you push for marriage counselling(MC), agree to financial arrangements and most importantly dating or no.

Give her the space she wants but you need to figure out a way for her to see that you are ACTING on your acknowledged needed changes. This is extremely difficult and I do not have a good strategy to suggest but if you get MC, your changes will most likely be open for her to see.

Work on yourself, your personal appearance, health and social activities with friends, caring interactions with people(180). You will be doing this for YOU because you have to prpare yourself for the possibility that she may not want to reconcile(R). This forces the WAS to consider what they are giving up and many have second thoughts but that cannot be your goal, just an unexpected by-product.

You are obviously a fighter when you have to be and you need to fight to prepare for your future without her.

Counterintuitive for sure but most people here, including myself swear by this approach because you will be rady for all outcomes.

Time to start working, be strong,
Stretch


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## allwillbewell

Both of you were unfaithful, doesn't really matter to what degree, or justifications either one of you use, you both went outside of the marriage to get something you felt you couldn't from the marriage at the time. *Both of you must come totally clean and honest as to your involvement with 3rd parties, no trickle truthing, no rugsweeping, no "what she/he doesn't know won't hurt her/him" excuses. 
Have both of you gone total NC with OM/W? That is the absolute must start of reconciliation. Without it, you are doomed to failure.
It sounds like she still wants to test the affair waters, a romance with the OW while she decides...I would be suspect of the "no sex" claim, if not in the past, for the future if she is still involved with OM. 
I would most definitely enter and stay with MC even though separated but again if contact with APs continue, there is really no sense in it, a waste of money. 
I recommend both of you reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass or "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. And I totally agree with Stretch about setting the boundaries, expectations of a separation before you commit to that. You also both might want to look into how "dating" while separated could affect a divorce.
You both sound like good people where honesty is important...affairs do happen to good people! And it ounds like you may have learned your lesson, hcsif...only time, honesty, remorse and commitment will tell...good luck.*


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## hcsif1410

Thank you for the feedback, at this point we're trying to avoid the separation route so we are not setting rules and guidelines for that purpose just yet. I will however try to get my hands on the books you've suggested.


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## Hope1964

Counseling has helped my marriage tremendously. You do need the right counselor though.

The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work by Gottman was also a huge factor in reconnecting us. I highly recommend it in addition to the two books already mentioned.

As for the cheating, both of you need to address that head on. Each of you made that choice - you must own that, and not lay the blame for it on the other. You must be totally transparent with one another so that there's absolutely no wondering on the part of either one of you.


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## hcsif1410

Thank you Hope- I am in the process of obtaining "Not just Friends" and "After the Affair" and will now look into the 7 principles of making marriage work. I/we will try anything to get back what we once had and we're also working on finding the right counselor too.


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## allwillbewell

And get rid of the APs! No contact letters written immediately!


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## the guy

hcsif1410 said:


> so we are not setting rules and guidelines.


Maybe it just me , but maybe this kind of thinking got the both of you in this kind of trouble?

Maybe some boundries and consequences for when those boundries are crossed should have been established?


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