# The best advice you will ever read



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

_18 months on from my split and things are starting to turn the corner for me in terms of my mental health and well being. Anyway thought I would copy and paste this article which is fantastic advice for all those going through a very difficult time. 

Good luck people:-_


"OK time to hit you over the head with reality!!! Stop wallowing in self pity first. Take it from someone who just watched the love of her life walk out the door 3 days ago. I cry and scream just when he was not around and if he calls I am nice and sound upbeat. I have read a lot of books and I read the Magic of Making up online book and what the others are telling you is the truth, you need to tell her you agree with this and you wish her happiness(this works- it will throw her off balance). 

Tell her you need space also and it would be a good idea for you two to take a break. If you want to let her stay in the house thats fine. But stop calling her and texting her silence is golden and if you are up her ass how can she miss you and by telling you love her all the time she knows she has her foot in the door- she made her bed make her lie in it for a while. Look at it this way... what do you have to lose at this point tring something different. 

Go out with friends. I went out the other night just walking around and left my phone in the car and my ex flipped and even came to the house because I wasn't there sitting around! Men and women like strong people not a weak version of what you once were. The biggest shock to her will be you picking yourself up off the floor and she will start to be intrigued by you and not turned off. And your first step would be not going on vacation with her, you will spin her head around!!!!! And do not contact her unless its about the kids, if she wants to get into conversation about you two tell her you guys are taking your space and you are not really ready to talk about it after you hang up you can fall to pieces but be very calm cool and collected on the phone. I am doing this and it is working already.


Last night i tried a few of the '180' tactics that I thought were appropriate, and she said that she was going to leave off 'All men' for a few months and concentrate on "discovering herself - who she really is" and then decide what she wants; but she doesn't want a divorce - apparently it hasn't crossed her mind yet. What does that mean?
It means she's f-cking with you. 
Notice nowhere in that entire journey of hers does it mention YOU, your needs, your wants, your life. It's all about her.

Time to strap your boots up and get ready to stand up for youself. KEEP up with the 180. Your response should have been "I think it's really great you're going to do this for yourself, discover yourself, find out who you really are. I'm happy for you. In the meantime, I've decided to do the same thing. It sounds like it could be fun." Then smile.

You have to say all of this totally deadpan to her, be serious. At this point you need to treat her like you treat a colleague at work: cool, calm, confident. Professional, NO emotions. It will seriously mess with her head. Because at this point she has expected you to fall over, die, and cry for her about how empty your life is going to be w/o her. She EXPECTS that from you. So prove her wrong.

As hard as it is pull your self up and no matter how hard the facade is, your spouse must see a confident man that will succeed with or with out her and you love her but you will not be her doormat were she can emotionaly abuse you for having such a " terrible" marriage.


I also suggest you quitely investigate the real reason your W has so suddenly decide to leave the security and stablity of a man that she choose to marry so many years ago. You may have been replaced. Either way your ability to show her a calm and controled alpha male that is confident in letting her go and helping achieve her goal in ending the marrige will empower you and leave your wife scratch her head....wondering if its the right choice for her and believing you will not be waiting around while she does what ever and with whom ever.

Your wife is a powerbroker right now, she knows she holds the spades to your happiness. Go into 180 mode and reclaim some of your power back. Start to think about self protections, your phsycial and mental well being as well as financial issues. I know ofthat I speak as 10 almost 10months ago I was dumped and in the worse way possible...won'tgo into that sad sotry ;o( But I got good news for you, things do get better and sometime they get better with the current mate ;o) Just be sure to gather your stength and put on the best face possible. Always have something to do...even if it is just going to the mall or movie or bookstore. Look and smell good as you come to and fro and let her get a grasp of what she will be missing if she loses out on you.

Log on and spill your emotions, this place is saving me at the moment. The 180 isn't easy, I know. I just want to grab my wife and hold her and be an idiot but I always say in my mind 180, 180, 180. You have to maintain your focus. Remember whatever you feel on the inside must not affect what you project, a happy and confident person. Fake it until you make it. I am doing the 180 for 3 days now and my danger is not getting excited when I see a response. I am busy processing letting go and life after this. That is what the 180 is for...YOU! To help YOU get yourself together and give you the best chance to survive and move on. If your spouse comes back, awesome! If not well you still have this new outlook that will help you get stronger every day. We are all here for you

Believe me I know what you are going through. I know the idea of losing your wife terrifies you but believe me when I tell you she is just as scared and confused as you are and right now if you push her you WILL LOSE HER. Show her you can be strong, confident and that you can man up. I made the mistake you are making and it cost me dearly. Brother! Give her space to heal a bit and she will come to you in her own time. It will make her feel safer and maybe things will come right. If you stay the same and don't change then what are you telling her other than maybe her decision was right

Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Really Are:
He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is the lover. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role. 
The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those 

See The Relationship For What It Really Is:
A fantasy relationship with no foundation but lies and dishonesty. The other man/other woman is showing only their best side, they are being all they can be to your spouse. No one can carry on that act for long. Their true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When the other person starts making demands of your spouse he/she will begin to feel as if they have another spouse to take care of instead of a lover.
An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of their role as husband/wife and the restrictions it brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience most affairs go down in flames.

The next step (once they begin to be receptive again) is to move very slowly and to show them that you are still the lighthearted, fun, attentive, and alluring person that they fell in love with. It's going to be very hard for them to walk away when suddenly they have someone who is attentive, who is listening, who is laughing and having fun, and who has already shown that he or she cares deeply about their happiness. In this scenario, it's easy to think that they've made a mistake.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2197476


Even when there's been an affair, your spouse has said "I'm not in love with you anymore" or whether your partner has indicated that he or she wants out of the marriage, your first job is to buy time.
Second, you must realize one thing. You cannot talk your mate out of having the feelings that they are feeling. You cannot try to convince the spouse that they are mistaken, incorrect, or bad for having confused or ambivalent feelings about the marriage.
The only thing this will accomplish is to make them defensive and less open to working on the relationship.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2425929
So how do you begin? First, stop pressuring your spouse to change. It may seem counterintuitive, but this will actually work in your favor. And second, commit to taking small, positive steps in your life that will have a long term effect on your life and your marriage.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2425929

Evaluate what was honesty wrong with why you have separated, and take responsibility for what was yours, and make the required changes where you feel is needed. But more importantly you need to get back to your happy space, you want your wife to see that you are fine without her, start doing things that you enjoy, catch up with some "good" old mates. Invest in a some new clothes that will help increase your confidence. Doing this alone will give your wife the impression that she is missing out, and no doubt come looking for your attention...

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1627887

As the affair progresses the adulterous spouse may even feel that their affair partner is their “one true love” or their “soul mate” and this gives them even more reason to want out of their marriage. Unable to directly confront their spouse, they let evidence of the affair act as the catalyst to divorce.

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."


Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.
If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?
If you're a man reading this and your wife has been complaining or nagging, thank her. It means she still cares about you and your marriage. She's working hard to make your love stronger. Spend time with her. Talk to her. Compliment her. Pay attention. Take her seriously. Show her that she's the most important thing in the world to you.


With every woman it’s a little bit different, but her exit strategy can take months, even years for her to implement. It’s often when the youngest graduates from high school, or she goes back to get some training so she can support herself in a new higher paying job, or maybe it’s when she meets a new man who can woo her or court her away from her marriage. In any case, while the plan is being implemented, she isn’t saying anything to her husband, meaning she isn’t complaining anymore. And when she isn’t complaining any more, guess what he’s thinking, “everything is okay!” So he goes on with business as usual, until D-Day comes. She says, “I want a divorce.” You know what he says, “I had no idea you were unhappy, why didn’t you tell me?” And when she hears him utter these, it almost nails the marital coffin shut, because she cannot fathom how in the world this guy doesn’t know she has been unhappy for so long when she thinks she has been doing everything to get through to him. When a woman thinks that she has done everything to get through to her husband, what it really means is that she’s said everything to get through to her husband. Very often women rely on words rather than actions to get through to their men. And so when she announces that she’s getting a divorce and she’s already been to see a divorce attorney, guess what, that’s an action. And for the very first time her husband really gets what’s in her heart and in her head, she’s leaving. Now the really heart breaking part about all of this, this is the first time when so many men realize how much their wives mean to them, how much their kids mean to them, how much they want to keep their families together, and they will do absolutely anything to make that happen. So what are they doing? They’re calling marriage counselors, they’re going to marriage seminars, they’re going to bookstores and buying every self help book imaginable, which is good for book sales for me. They even go back to church and temple. Men develop male friendships and talk about their feelings, something that they almost never do. They are totally changed people. Now often times their wives see these changes in them, but you know what they think, “too little too late. Where were you when I needed you.” Or sometimes they think, “I don’t really trust that, if I let my guard down, we’ll be back to square one in a week or two.”

What I want to say to women is that when these men finally understand the importance of marriage and family, they are making profound real changes. They are transforming themselves into the husbands you’ve wanted them to be. If you do get a divorce, they’re going to make someone a really great second husband. They’ve gone to school on your relationship. Don’t leave now. You’ve finally gotten through to your man, because you’ve taken an action.
What I want to say to if you’re a man listening to this, two things. One, these women have been building a wall around themselves. I call them the walk away wives. It’s to prevent hurt, it’s hard to crack the veneer of those walls, so prevention is the most important thing. In terms of prevention, spend time with your wives. Talk to your wives. When they’re asking for more emotional closeness, heed their urning. If you don’t you’ll find yourself really wondering “what am I going to do next,” when your wife is walking out the door.
The second I want to tell you if you’re a man watching this, it’s never too late. Even if your wife says it’s over, it’s not over until it’s over. Even as I say that, I want you to know, 10 percent of the people who divorce actually end up remarrying each other. So if you’re feeling desperate because your wife has just said that “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore,” or if she said, “it’s over and I don’t care what you do, just stay away,” don’t give up hope. There really is a way for you to turn things and to get that walk away wife to start walking back to you and to your marriage


Compliments can go a long way! Tell your wife how great she looks. Remind her how beautiful you think she is and how beautiful you have always thought she was. You will need to concentrate on her, her feelings and needs if you have any chance of winning her affection back. Be genuine and honest with her! Showing your wife your true sincerity can and will a long ways in rebuilding her trust and love for you.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5776180


Be very open and honest when talking and trying to reconcile with your wife. She will need to know that you are very sincere in your intentions and serious about winning her back. You definitely will need to be patient and persistent, but not push. Your wife will obviously need the time and space for her to have the reassurance of knowing that you have changed for the better. She will have to be convinced that if the two of you got back together that it would be a move forward rather than things going back to the way they were before.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5776180

Winning your wife's love, affection and trust back will take a lot of willpower, patience and a whole new commitment on your part. Practice having a positive outlook, work on improving yourself and your relationship skills rather than focusing on the negative. Be the best person that you can be, show your wife that you are serious in winning her love and respect back and that you are determined to be the best friend, lover and husband that you can be.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5776180


Secondly, most women feel deprived in a relationship after some time (don't we all?) because they do not feel as cherished as they used to feel. You are so used to having her around to cook breakfast and iron the clothes when it used to be something "homey" that you do together. Woman have high tolerance and loyalty as long as they think it's worth it, because intrinsically they are getting something of value from their labor of love: your appreciation. It is when they no longer feel that they are appreciated that they stop giving and ask themselves why they are doing this.
If you fail to keep your girl feeling needed, sexy, wanted and appreciated, your days of coupledom is numbered. All this are equivalent to relationship fulfillment. Other guys out there is going to pay attention to your girl and she will seek her fulfillment elsewhere. Paying more attention to her, compliment her, sending her gifts for no reason at all will make all the difference in your love life. By now, you should have a pretty good idea of where you've gone wrong and you know just the thing to do to get her back."


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

I am a woman and can say this is all good advice if your only fault is being guilty of being a nice guy.

If you are a man who has betrayed your wife repeatedly, and/or has sex addiction issues, sooner or later she'll want out no metter what you do.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Well I am a nice guy looked after the family, worked hard, earned lots of money, provided and she still went off with another bloke....


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## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

Yep, she definetely did fix me...made me a better man...for someone else . I know I was a good husband...but now I will make even better on. I win!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

That above article fits my situation 100%. No affairs, just my wife was unhappy and I never knew. Hopefully we can work it out.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

Really appreciate this. However, this starts by speaking about a hard 180 but then goes into great detail about making showing the spouse attention and making them feel they are the most important thing in your life. Maybe I'm too simplistic in my thinking but isn't it hard to do both?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Good read. I am at the point of no return in my marriage.....it hit home for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

lostLove77 said:


> Really appreciate this. However, this starts by speaking about a hard 180 but then goes into great detail about making showing the spouse attention and making them feel they are the most important thing in your life. Maybe I'm too simplistic in my thinking but isn't it hard to do both?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the point of agreeing to the divorce and being supportive is when it is final. That advice is true for both men and women. My mother always told me that the best revenge on a cheating husband is to treat them lovingly (while planning to get out of course). When a spouse turns mean, people rationalize and feel justified for their actions.

The rest of it is really subjective. In my opinion the best thing a man can do for his marriage is make sure the family is faith filled, going to church, and pray for them.

Too many men mentally abandon their families, leaving them vulnerable to wolves. The attacks and perils of life are ridiculous, and a spiritually strong husband and wife can overcome that.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't understand how people can maintain the 180 when their spouse is having an affair. It's a good guide but seemingly impossible to follow at times. Especially when you are in trauma mode and dealing with all of the intense emotions of someone cheating on you and attempting to leave you. I am very impressed with the author of this who after 3 days was able to write this clearly and optimistically. I was able to maintain for a little while but my ego would get the best of me.

It seems like good advice for someone in a long term relationship whose spouse is going through an MLC. Perhaps then you have the maturity to pull it off.


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