# pls help. i've cheated bt i luv my wife immensely.



## john1985 (Jul 19, 2010)

this is kinda lengthy bt pls read. I'm 25, married with a two yr old son. i met an old friend sometime ago. she hd been expressing sexual interest which i ignored. i stupidly went 2 visit her and she came on to me very strongly. tings gt heatd, there was penetration, unprotectd, then i came 2 my senses and ran!

i've been disatisfied. i hv felt like i rushd into d marriage and hv been hving a few sexual problems with my wife, viewing porn a lot lately. i know these are excuses. I realze dat i love my wife completely. I know she loves me, she does everytin for me. she is a good person, and has been a good wife to me.

I feel so guilty and dirty. I want to tell my wife bt i dont want to hurt her. and i dont want to loose her. i think i've ruined our lives. wat do i do. PLS SOMEBODY HELP.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Wow...um, not sure what to say to you. You messed up in a big way. You know this. The question is do you tell your wife or not? I know, having been cheated on by my former husband, that I would want to know. What I would do with that knowledge is up for debate. I'd like to think if my boyfriend cheated, and it was a one time thing that would never be repeated and he felt guilty and bad, that I'd forgive him, but I can't really sit here and say that's the case. There's no promise that your wife will forgive you for this. However, there is a promise that if she finds out another way, she is even more unlikely to forgive you than if you tell her yourself. 

I'm not sure if you should tell her about the feelings of dissatisfaction and such before or after you tell her you cheated. I do think you need to tell her, but I'm not sure the best way. 

Honestly, as I sit here trying to think of the best advice I could give you, I think the best thing I can suggest is that you consider asking her to see a marriage counselor with you and tell her there. That might be the best way to handle it. And perhaps meeting with the counselor yourself, alone, beforehand to get his/her take on how to tell her and what to tell her first, as they are trained in helping people figure out this kind of thing.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Hope she doesn't have the gift that keeps on giving " herpes" lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

CaliRN said:


> Hope she doesn't have the gift that keeps on giving " herpes" lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

you really need to be tested...and your wife needs to be tested, too.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

john1985,

You need to tell your wife. Be a man, admit your mistake and learn from it. Using the "I don't want to hurt her more" is a rationalization and excuse for you not experiencing the short term pain this will cause. Will it end the marriage? I don't know. But not telling her most likely will in the long run.

You seem quite sincere in your admission of guilt here. I will make the presumption that this is true. And that is the reason to tell her. If you don't the guilt will eat at you and show up in changes to you and create a greater void between you and your wife. One which might not be recoverable. Plus again being a man means admitting your mistakes, dealing with the consequences of those mistakes, learning from them and moving forward.

Obviously there are issues in your marriage that need to be addressed, but can't until this issue is addressed. Good luck to you.


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## john1985 (Jul 19, 2010)

Thnx everyine for ur comments. I hv been readin a number of posts where the women said they culdnt forgive d betrayal cos of d emotional pain, etc. If i can save her dat and bear d emotional burden myself, shuldn't I? i promise i'm nt tryin to run away from d problem. i jus dont want 2 hurt my wife anymore than i already have.

I hvnt had sex wit my wife since and I am going to gt tested. I am also determind to learn from dis, and stay away from d old friend and other such situations.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Thnx everyine for ur comments. I hv been readin a number of posts where the women said they culdnt forgive d betrayal cos of d emotional pain, etc. If i can save her dat and bear d emotional burden myself, shuldn't I? i promise i'm nt tryin to run away from d problem. i jus dont want 2 hurt my wife anymore than i already have.


Not to be too negative, but you can find a huge number of posts where people worked through the pain and came out stronger on the other end. In fact, I'd say that the 'odds' (don't believe in fate) are in your favor for being honest. 

May I also point out that the idea that people "can't" forgive is pure rubbish? The operative is not "CAN'T" but "WON'T." People WILL NOT forgive - many times because they don't even have the slightest idea what that means. They think forgiveness is an emotion: when you no longer feel pain at the thought of infidelity, you have then forgiven. That is a false assumption, and causes a lot of trouble.

Seems to me that what you are doing is looking for validation to keep this hidden from your wife. You can find validation for any activity you want to do if you look hard enough.

But marriage is predicated on honesty. Just for kicks and giggles - what happens if, somewhere down the line, your wife suddenly finds out that not only were you unfaithful once - but that you have also hidden this from her? What would be her reaction to a DOUBLE punch in the face - "Not only did I cheat, but I also decided you were not good enough (or strong enough, or forgiving enough, etc.) for me to tell you the truth?" Think she'll will be delighted that you spent so much time controlling what data she has about you?

I'm guessing that would hurt her even more.



> I hvnt had sex wit my wife since and I am going to gt tested. I am also determind to learn from dis, and stay away from d old friend and other such situations.


Good. These are things you must do. But it's only half the work. You need to be fair to your wife: give her the opportunity to make her OWN mind up about the situation, rather than YOU doing it for her. I'm guessing she doesn't appreciate being controlled like that.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My ex-husband cheated on me repeatedly. I'll say this: I could more easily forgive a one time thing than repetitive cheating. If my boyfriend came to me, and was honest, and came clean, and it was a one time thing, one that he assured me wouldn't happen again, I'd be more likely to forgive that than if I found out he was doing it over and over. Additionally, I'd be more likely to forgive that than if I found out because the other woman called me, or someone else knew and told me. There are no assurances that she's going to forgive you. But you up the chances of her doing so by being honest with her, and being the one to tell her.


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