# Need advice please



## ranger3 (Aug 5, 2014)

I have been married for 14 years. I care for my wife however, I am not happy nor in love with her. I don't wish no harm or anything else to happen to her. I just want to be happy with my life and I have not been for about 10 years now. 

In that time we have had two children. Both of whom mean the world to me. How do I tell her I want out? 

The problem is our roles are reversed than from the traditional marriage. 

Why and I not happy...

is it normal for a husband and wife to sleep in separate bedrooms for 7 years?

We do not enjoy anything together.. out interest are totally different now then when we met.

We don't even like the same tv shows any more.


I am just so unhappy.. I know I am rambling. 

How do I tell her without losing my kids and security. I think that is the only reason I stay is for security of health insurance and financial benefit.. .. Please help.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You be honest with her and say I haven't been happy in this marriage for sometime. And you start to think about getting a job/career path. It's pretty simple. If you don't have marketable skills, you enroll in school. There are lots of good vocational schools that can get you employable in less than a year.

If you are asking how to do I keep my security and get out of the marriage, the answer is you don't.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

Sorry you're feeling this way. What steps have you taken in the past to remedy this (ie. have you read any books on rekindling romance or adding a spark to your relationship? Have you gotten any counseling?) I hope it's not too late for that, but it's worth the effort. You have much to lose otherwise. Best of luck to you!

~ Seek the Light ~


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are giving up, at the time when you should be working HARD for yourself and your marriage.

So tell me, during that 10 years, what have you done to take steps to spend more time with your wife or be with her. What kind of compromises have you made to go up and beyond?

How have you showed her that you love her WITH ACTION????

Same questions for your wife. What has SHE done?

You see my friend, it's easy to just give up and call it quits, but it's hard to put in time and effort into your relationship to fix it and repair it. And marriage needs CONSTANT work, compromise, communication and companionship.

BTW, Welcome to the forum


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## ranger3 (Aug 5, 2014)

Watchmanmoon- yes we tried counseling. a couple of years ago when we almost got divorced. Things changed for a short time but went back to the way the were before.

Dof- I have tried my hardest to get her to do things with me.. Dang I even watch a daytime soap I hate just to have something to do with her. We have not slept in the same bed more in 7 years. We have had sex only twice in 6 years...I have never given up but life is too short to be unhappy.


I really don't think either one of us is happy but neither of us want to be without the kids. 

I would like to be with someone who wants to do things together.. she never really wants to do anything with me. Plus with our work schedules mine during the week hers on the weekends mostly.... it has really killed our marriage. 

Btw, I do have a career. I am a teacher.. however she is a Doctor... so now you see the difference financially.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Okay, so you could separate and make a living for yourself, you'd just have less money. 

If you are in a sexless, loveless marriage, then yes by all means end it. It doesn't sound like she would really care that much.

It sounds to me like you are putting comfort ahead of your happiness. I'm sorry but that seem really crazy to me. Money and kids aside, what other tether do you really have to this woman?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not happy. Your happiness is your own responsibility. Since you have a career, I don't understand why you don't file for divorce.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Just be sure that at some point in the future you can look at your kids in the eye and say truthfully that you did everything you could to keep their family together. I would suggest making it clear to your wife that this is not a marriage and that you are willing to make one last try with her effort as well. The understanding being that if you both agree to get this back on track that the effort and maintenance never ends. If she isn't interested and/or turns it all back at you, then you file.

On a practical level, in general she is going to be paying you alimony and child support and the marital assets will be split. Consult an attorney to get a picture of one possible future. The financial part might not be too bad.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon ranger
What attracted you to her when you got married?


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## ranger3 (Aug 5, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon ranger
> What attracted you to her when you got married?


Aside from the fact that she was very beautiful and smart... We enjoyed many of the same things.. music, tv shows, etc. We had fun just sitting at home. Then everything changed.....


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Why? How?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What happened that made it change?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ranger3 said:


> Aside from the fact that she was very beautiful and smart... We enjoyed many of the same things.. music, tv shows, etc. We had fun just sitting at home. Then everything changed.....


Does this coincide with when you had children? That can wreak havoc on a marriage. People take on new roles, there's much less couple time, and there are more chores, less sleep, etc.


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## ranger3 (Aug 5, 2014)

I don't know we both just changed.. we no longer watched shows together or slept in the same bed. Although my taste in music and all never changed her's did. It is like she is not the same person I fell in love with at all. Kids have nothing to do with our problems. When you have not slept in the same bed tougher in so long.. I see it as a warning sign.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

ranger3 said:


> I don't know we both just changed.. we no longer watched shows together or slept in the same bed. Although my taste in music and all never changed her's did. It is like she is not the same person I fell in love with at all. Kids have nothing to do with our problems. When you have not slept in the same bed tougher in so long.. I see it as a warning sign.


Did she leave the marital bed or did you?

Why did this happen? Did this coincide with her having the kids?

This is important stuff for me to know since my wife and I are in the same boat. Almost no sex, not in the same bed etc....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you start sleeping in different beds? Why did you stop counseling? Have you expressed to her how unhappy you are?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ranger3 (Aug 5, 2014)

sinnister said:


> Did she leave the marital bed or did you?
> 
> Why did this happen? Did this coincide with her having the kids?
> 
> This is important stuff for me to know since my wife and I are in the same boat. Almost no sex, not in the same bed etc....


Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. She left the bed. I think it started when she began working weekends all the time and then it got worse after we had children.


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## ranger3 (Aug 5, 2014)

For those who are interested I have made a decision. I am filing for divorce as soon as possible. I can not longer put up with the way she acts and treats me and the children. It has gotten to a point where I would rather be dead than live with her. That is true unhappiness. Thanks you all for your advice.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

because of the earning difference, look into getting spousal support from her.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

No counseling in the world will change how you feel if you are at that point, just file.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ranger3 said:


> For those who are interested I have made a decision. I am filing for divorce as soon as possible. I can not longer put up with the way she acts and treats me and the children. It has gotten to a point where I would rather be dead than live with her. That is true unhappiness. Thanks you all for your advice.


It would appear you are in a marriage of convenience. For some this relationship is ok. For others, like you, this is not a way to live. I sense you are at the end of the line and seek more from life. Is your wife married to her job? It would appear so.


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