# Feeling Very Lost- Help



## je18 (May 23, 2018)

Hey all- 
It seems this site is very responsive so here it goes. 
I have been with the the same man, my best friend for 17 years of my life and married for about 8 years of that time. We have been thru the triumphs and pitfalls together but as time has gone on it plagued me that we pushed so much under the rug. For example, I was encouraged him to thrive and it seemed like my dreams were put on the back burner not that he wanted that but I feel like I stopped my pursuit to support his. Which sounds awful as I type it and he didn't ask me to but out of respect and support it was the only way. We both are very career driven people. We thrive in it. He pursued his DREAM job and is now living it. I am in my current career, mind you isn't dream and actually can be extremely toxic which shows up in my brain as resenting. Now from an outsider looking in we had it all, long term relationship, high school sweet hearts, the big house, the dogs who are like our kids. We don't have any children. I think over time I grew resentment on many angles. Everyday I would wake up and think why this toxic life I live and have to deal with on a daily and my anger grew. My unhappiness in my life grew and I looked at this person who was my rock. He worked 24/7. As in bring your laptop to a dinner date and have to work on at dinner like he was performing brain surgery. I dealt with this for YEARS, even when we would go out of town for the weekend he couldn't escape it but he loved it. I started to think he was fulfilled by that. 
Then the intimacy ended, the work took over. We started to live completely separate lives.. all in all just not on the same page. There were days I wouldn't see him, barely speak with him until it was late and I was about to go to bed or he was already asleep by the time I got home. We have been separated for about 5 months now and I feel we are in a holding pattern that we can't shake. He states "he doesn't want to lose me" but he let me go a long time ago just feel like we were coexisting. I need some advice from folks that can see this. 
We went to therapy and we noticed it wasn't really working and the items I brought up still were not addressed. I know he "loves" and "cares about me" but why am I not front and center for him. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me.
I ask for advice how to navigate this madness.

Currently he is in our home that we purchased.
I have rented an apartment not far from the house so I can see my pups when I can because I don't want to take them away from their backyard and their routine.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, it sounds like therapy is in order again but would have to be done with your H on board and willing to put in the work. It wont do a damn thing if there isn't effort from both sides. He may love you, but he isn't making an effort for you. For your side, you should try to find new work that you can be happy and/or satisfied in, so that you can work your way out of the resentment you hold towards him. Is there something you want to do that would entail going back to school? If so, then do that. Harboring resentment removes our chance of being happy.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I just get the sense that you guys lost your way and not really that it wasn't right. The items you explained seem to be pretty common.

If you were willing to give him an open hearted chance, which means allowing him to win you over and prove that you are the love of his life and that the work is just the means to get to a happy life, then I think there's hope.

1. You have to have an open mind and heart about this, no if ands or buts about it
2. He has to commit to it and prove it, if you truly allow #1. 

Can you elaborate on this? "We went to therapy and we noticed it wasn't really working and the items I brought up still were not addressed"


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Will take more than one therapy session. 

A bit concerned about his career. Once you've established yourself as the 60-80 hour per week guy who will take phone calls at home any time, people come to expect that from you. Can be hard to cut back for some. May not be something he can change overnight. But with time hopefully he can reset expectations.

Take responsibility for your happiness first. You encouraged him to pursue his dream job. I'm sure you've benefitted from it financially - but now you have resentment. Maybe its time you pursue some of your own dreams - work related or other.


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## je18 (May 23, 2018)

Thank you all thus far-
We have done more than one therapy session, but it seemed to make us bicker more after therapy. We might need a fresh therapist but it seemed to get us riled up. Like I said never been in this situation so I am not sure how marriage counseling is supposed to work. The research I did it was basically saying that the therapist is the referee and you put everything on the table. Am I Wrong?
His career took over a long time ago and in hindsight because of this busy schedule I worked the same amount to stay busy in the meantime so it masked the problem for quite sometime Honestly it isn't something that I am not happy doing. I wasn't able to pursue but because I lost a sense of myself I have no idea what that would be now. I went back to school already received my bachelors. It's not that my job doesn't pay well but its not something I jump up for every day as it seems for him. I am happy for him but of course selfishly want that for myself as well. 
Another issue is ability to put me on the front burner when I have been sitting on the back burner for so long. The romance, is not there. It is mundane and no spark. It's like the fell out love snydrome. I was trying to get it back but if he doesn't make the same effort I feel like I am circling a drain.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you involved with anyone else? 

He put his career above you and neglected you. You are separated and he has not made the sacrifices and changes you want. Your resentment is quite clear in all this. The double quotes around "loves" me and "cares about me" speaks volumes in that in your post you don't actually say anything nice about him as a person or as a husband.

Did he ever bring up disapeering intimacy or did he ignore that as it withered away? 

Do you love him? Because it reads like you resent him so much I can't imagine how he could not notice.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

He stayed in the house and you got an apartment?

Why??

He's way too comfortable. You're conveniently out of the way and he probably doesn't want to go through the hassles that divorce entails. 

This isn't going to get better. Separation is often just the first stepping stone towards complete dissolution of the relationship and in this case, do you REALLY think that there will be any change from what has happened over the past several years?

There's no reason to believe it will.

There are no children, you're already living apart, it's time to seriously consider taking the next - and final- step.

He's not the only guy out there you know.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Did he want you to leave, then asked you to leave or did you want to leave, then left?

What’s the deal here? Who’s making the moves?

If this is his call, then what was his reasoning?

There is very much a vagueness regarding the separation. Elaborate for us. And be honest with whatever pushed this to separation....the tipping point if you will. Whatever it is, it’s ok. We have all lived some nightmares, made mistakes and we can understand. 

Hang in there!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Pleaser44 (May 5, 2015)

Your story has allot of similarities to mine. I left also, it's been 2yrs now and we are at the divorce stage. I attended my own counselling sessions and realized that it wasn't just me. I felt that he was more passionate about his work than me. Loved the dogs more than me, everything got his attention....other than me. 
The ironic thing is that I have moved on and he hasn't. My therapist helped me see that it didn't matter how hard or how long I would try, things would remain the same. He was happy. I feel sad in sharing my story with you, however I feel your pain. 
We have to choose our own paths, it's not easy but being on the fence is the hardest part.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Why did you alone rent the apartment? Are you staying there?


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