# Another typical story...



## twiceburned (Jun 19, 2013)

First wife left me for another guy after 11 years while I was putting her through school. I was overweight, smoking, drinking too much, working too much, and our anti-marriage counselor even made it very clear that it was my fault. Within 3 months I lost 60lbs, quit smoking, quit drinking completely, cut off all friends, took a bunch of time off work, etc. None of it meant a d*mn, including our 2 kids.

I recovered somewhat, married another woman way too soon, and now she's cheated on me as well but doesn't want to leave and has cut off all ties with the guy. Of course she doesn't want to leave. I took her from a well-fare life, put her in a nice house, nice car, don't make her work (I did but when she F'd this guy I told her to quit), adopted her 3 kids, and give her basically everything I possibly can (racking up 10's of thousands in debt in the process). Her animals (cats and dogs), which I had refused to ever have prior, plus the kids have wrecked my house. She's overweight, in complete denial about it, and I tell her every day I love her and refuse to admit to her that she is. I've kept my weight off, even lost a little more, actually nearing the too skinny side. Then she goes off and F's this 300 something lb guy. She also keeps me up till all hours of the night which keeps me constantly sleep deprived.

I want out. I'm being abused in every way possible (yes, even physically). She's embarrassed and disgraced me so many times that, after this, my self image and ego are all but completely gone. How ugly/bad of a person must I be to get treated like this? How could I be so horrible to my wives to cause all of this? I work just 40 hrs a week but make a lot of money and give almost all of it to my family, so it's not that I'm an absent father/husband just providing a lifestyle.

I can't leave though. I don't care about the money (I estimate ~45% in child support, maybe 50%. I have little needs and could probably get out of debt faster by myself. I'd take all of the debt with me, let her keep the car, house, whatever she wants. It's the kids. They've all been through so much, I can't bare to rip them apart all over again.

They (counselors) say my 2nd wife cheated on me because of our work schedules we didn't see each other much and her needs weren't being met. What about MY needs? Do they matter at all? I sure as hell weren't having any of mine met and had taken on almost full responsibility for the house and kids' daily needs.

I'm on several medications to try and keep me mentally stable through all of this. Enough medication that my driver's license has actually been revoked, because they think I'm a suicide risk (yes I spent a week in a center because I'd threatened to at one point), so for the first time in my life I'm driving illegally. I've only had one ticket other than inspection/registration in my life.

So, I don't know what to do at this point. We're in counseling together now but I'm not hopeful at all really. She's not going to change, it's been said many times that people don't change, certainly not to the degree she would need to. How much longer can I go on? Beyond the finances, beyond the effect on the kids, I'd also be alone at least for another 10 years. No woman in her right mind would get within 50 yards of me. If they could get past my looks they certainly wouldn't be able to get past my life circumstances.

I don't think there's a real answer to all of this. It's really just a rant, an emotional dump because I just have to cry to someone. I can't talk about this with even my close friends or family because I'm too embarrassed. They all told me, pleaded with me, not to marry her. Ultimately I'm getting what I deserve for making some very poor life decisions.

Whatever I guess...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Hmmmmmm.............. time to move on.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Why you didn't filed for D yet?


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

Being alone is a lot better than being with someone who clearly doesn't respect you or your marriage. As a product of 2 divorces, I can tell you that the kids will recover. Being in a home where someone is literally driving themselves mad in order to make the marriage work is not healthy for them either.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Bean0909 said:


> Being alone is a lot better than being with someone who clearly doesn't respect you or your marriage. As a product of 2 divorces, I can tell you that the kids will recover. Being in a home where someone is literally driving themselves mad in order to make the marriage work is not healthy for them either.


I've heard stories where children have actually thanked the BS for divorcing.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

twiceburned said:


> First wife left me for another guy after 11 years while I was putting her through school. I was overweight, smoking, drinking too much, working too much, and our anti-marriage counselor even made it very clear that it was my fault. Within 3 months I lost 60lbs, quit smoking, quit drinking completely, cut off all friends, took a bunch of time off work, etc. None of it meant a d*mn, including our 2 kids.
> 
> I recovered somewhat, married another woman way too soon, and now she's cheated on me as well but doesn't want to leave and has cut off all ties with the guy. Of course she doesn't want to leave. I took her from a well-fare life, put her in a nice house, nice car, don't make her work (I did but when she F'd this guy I told her to quit), adopted her 3 kids, and give her basically everything I possibly can (racking up 10's of thousands in debt in the process). Her animals (cats and dogs), which I had refused to ever have prior, plus the kids have wrecked my house. She's overweight, in complete denial about it, and I tell her every day I love her and refuse to admit to her that she is. I've kept my weight off, even lost a little more, actually nearing the too skinny side. Then she goes off and F's this 300 something lb guy. She also keeps me up till all hours of the night which keeps me constantly sleep deprived.
> 
> ...


A) you councilor is a moron. 
b) You are literally married to a boat anchor.
c) being overweight usually is a sign of much bigger emotional problems. it sounds like you married her because she seemed safe. 
D) she is probably going to hide behind her kids to get you to stay. 
E) Her kids didn't marry you she did. You can still look out for them. But you have no business sticking with thier mom.
F) You are literally and figuratively married to a boat anchor. She will do nothing but drag you down and hold you back. Why because her self-esteem takes a hit everytime you succeed because you become better while she is stuck being overweight with her food addiction. 

If you stay with this woman you will likely find yourself overweight. STuck in your career. You will not be happy. The kids will be stuck in a horrible marriage. And you will likely get cheated on again. So for the love of all that is holy stop letting your fear of being alone get in the way of finding a woman that will love you and make you happy. Divorce her and explain to any of the kids that can understand what is going on, why you are leaving their mother. She brought the kids into the marriage and she knew that screwing another man would remove you from their lives as well.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I can't find a reason in your post for you to stay.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Any counselor that tries to justify infidelity other than just being a **** should have their license revoked.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

badbane said:


> A) you councilor is a moron.
> b) You are literally married to a boat anchor.
> c) being overweight usually is a sign of much bigger emotional problems. it sounds like you married her because she seemed safe.
> D) she is probably going to hide behind her kids to get you to stay.
> ...


Perfectly said!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with bad and especially point A. Fire the counselor what a waste of time and money. Your wife had an affair because she wanted to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Sounds like your MC has cheated herself. What a moron. 

I wouldn't stay for the kids...yours is NOT a healthy environment for them.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Sorry you find yourself in this situation...again. It's time for you to get some individual counseling and try to determine why you keep picking bad apples. 

I agree with everyone else, there's no reason for you to stay in this marriage. Find your self respect, and please quit telling her you love her everyday. Time to do the 180 for your own sake. 
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> Sorry you find yourself in this situation...again. It's time for you to get some individual counseling and try to determine why you keep picking bad apples.
> 
> I agree with everyone else, there's no reason for you to stay in this marriage. Find your self respect, and please quit telling her you love her everyday. Time to do the 180 for your own sake.
> The Healing Heart: The 180


Don't do nice things for her! Trust me, it doesn't work!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Agreed. Nothing to stay for, not in the marriage anyway. 

And if you care so much for the kids, and you adopted them (?) then surely you can have all the parental rights that she does and look after them on a 50/50 basis?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I wished my parents would have separated, as a child it harms you to be in te middle and you think that's the norm. Run if not for you, for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"They (counselors) say my 2nd wife cheated on me because of our work schedules we didn't see each other much and her needs weren't being met" 

The're full of caca, I think you pick the wrong women. Look for new women and new counselors.
It's important to meet each others need but not a free card to cheat of your needs are not getting met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

twiceburned said:


> I don't think there's a real answer to all of this. It's really just a rant, an emotional dump because I just have to cry to someone. I can't talk about this with even my close friends or family because I'm too embarrassed. They all told me, pleaded with me, not to marry her. Ultimately I'm getting what I deserve for making some very poor life decisions.
> 
> Whatever I guess...


Brother, when I had my DDay my friend who went through his divorce understood that while I may not have been clinically insane, I was definitely not right in the head.

I just wanted so bad to have the life that I though was mine back and I would have done so many things to have it back.

Yes, your family and friends were right. Yes you did something stupid. Whether you talk to them or not you and they know you did something stupid. So what? There is no need to beat yourself up about it. Your anti-marriage counselors are morons. Nothing is your fault. The fault is shared. I had a really bad MC who was horrendous, listened to my cheating EX and believed everything she had to say. She was a total moron. I smartly got rid of her day 2.

Brother, your friends and family will be there for you if they are true. Don't be embarrassed. You just wanted to live the dream of a nice family. It is ok.

If I had a nickle for every stupid thing I ever did, I would have retired a long time ago! Let your family and friends know. Let your embarrassment go and sometimes take someone who is away from the mess's advice.

When I was getting D, I talked to my lawyer about alimony. I was damned if I was going to pay a cent to my adulterous wife. She told me the judge would probably award her alimony any way and if I fought it, I'd probably end up paying more in a grand total. I told her, I'd defer to her judgement because she had experience and I was too close to it. I gave in and I paid her alimony. I was wise enough to take the advice of someone who was looking out for me because I was too close to my own issues and I didn't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

twiceburned update please don't just accept where you are life. find some good support wether it be on here or in the real world. Are there any updates to your story.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

It seems clear you have a low self opinion. That will do you more damage to you than any woman will....you will accept more wrongdoing done to you than you should, you will promote it by being too accommodating and not recognising or acknowledging your own needs. It seems your needs don't exist in your wife's world, and that even though she treats you badly, you are not bringing her to task for that. You really must discover your own self worth before you do ANYTHING ELSE (except ditching your wife, or at very minimum, insisting on all basic requirements of an open, transparent, and loving relationship).


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