# Dealing with the sadness



## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

I am overcome with grief and sadness and am really having a tough time holding it together. Unfortunately, STBXH and I work at the same place, although in different departments, but I am trying so hard to keep my image professional. This sucks. I've been finding myself locked in my office crying a lot lately and I just don't know if the grief/sadness will ever end.

My STBXH and I separated last summer but I had deeply hoped things would work. Thanksgiving he raged and drove off, leaving me and my son in a city 450 miles from home. I have only spoken to him once since then, and that was due to an accidental and unplanned encounter, so I set boundaries (told him to stop calling my son's school for information). I know, after Thanksgiving, that R can never, ever happen, and I'm devastated.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to get through this? I'm very alone and very private (especially professionally), but the stress, anxiety, sadness... they're all becoming overwhelming.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am very to sorry to hear of your pain. I can relate. Do you have someone you can talk with as a support person or people. I found my siblings were all very helpful to me as my emotions go up and down.

This website also helps just being able to vent and express, plus get some support and feedback.

You are not alone!


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

No, I don't really have anyone to talk to. My sister was supportive prior to Thanksgiving, but now thinks that due to his emotional abuse and meanness I shouldn't be feeling the way I am. She doesn't understand the loss I'm going through. I see a therapist next Wednesday but that doesn't help with the day to day, moment to moment.

I was just at a holiday lunch for work and I saw my STBX walk in. I had to leave immediately because I was overcome with sadness and started to lose it emotionally while sitting around co-workers. Here I am again... locked in my office crying uncontrollably.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I just wanted to chime in and let you know you are not alone - there are others of us out here in pain. I have been staying with my mother, but I can tell she is growing tired of my sadness/frustration/venting/grief etc. I have never felt so alone in my life, but this isn't a journey we can make with others really - we all have to come to terms with it on our own. I keep repeating this quote in my head over and over, "This too shall pass." 

Obviously, I don't know you Cyan - but consider me giving you a virtual hug from afar.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am giving you both a hug. Be strong. I am still reading and rereading the 180 and it seems to me to be a good outline on how to work towards getting stronger.

We all need to mourn our relationships to some degree, but I think it is healthy to work towards acceptance of the current situation and knowing there are better days ahead.

Big hug and keep venting if you need!


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

Oh, you are so right, Emma1981, that it's a journey we can't make with others. I appreciate the wisdom on this. It's so flippin' hard though.


Emma1981 said:


> I have never felt so alone in my life, but this isn't a journey we can make with others really - we all have to come to terms with it on our own.



What is "the 180" you're reading and referring to, This is me?


This is me said:


> I am giving you both a hug. Be strong. I am still reading and rereading the 180 and it seems to me to be a good outline on how to work towards getting stronger.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

cyan said:


> Oh, you are so right, Emma1981, that it's a journey we can't make with others. I appreciate the wisdom on this. It's so flippin' hard though.
> 
> 
> 
> What is "the 180" you're reading and referring to, This is me?


I too am in the same boat!

The sadness is incredible!

There are some great people here who have been giving me advise and words of encouragement. Just post your thoughts, get it out in words. WE understand!

((HUGS))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

cyan: Yes, family and friends have a time limit on our grief. They want you to move on but we can only do that in our time not theirs. I had family members tell me I should start dating and I wasn't even divorced yet. Patience is considered a virtue for a reason.
My DD was in March and I was divorced in July.

All that you are feeling is the natural process of grief. There are seven stages. I remember reading them and hoping I was at the last because I was tired of the pain.

It does get better. I started IC a few months ago. Maybe that would help you since you can share there. You have TAM and us too.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

Thank you for your kinds words, Sparkles. Yesterday, at someone's house, I met a really cool Russian Blue cat named Sparkles. I really liked the cat, she was friendly and warm, and you seem to be too. 

What are the seven stages of grief? I always thought there were five.



Sparkles422 said:


> All that you are feeling is the natural process of grief. There are seven stages. I remember reading them and hoping I was at the last because I was tired of the pain.
> 
> It does get better. I started IC a few months ago. Maybe that would help you since you can share there. You have TAM and us too.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

cyan: I found this when I was going crazy and wanted the pain gone. It was valid for the death of my marriage.
7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. 

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. 
...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. 



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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I read somewhere that the 7 stages cycle through a few times maybe more, so that you may experience one or all of these several times through the process. I think that is the roller coaster.


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