# Earn her respect, and her love will follow



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I read something like this recently, that men should not worry about whether or not women love them, but if they respect them. The idea seemed to be that if a man earns a woman's genuine respect, she will eventually come to love him.

Does this seem reasonable to you? Has your life experience borne this out?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as a guy... That seems a little off. Just because a woman (or man, for that matter) respects someone of the opposite gender, it doesn't mean they'll love them. But without respect, I don't feel a long term love is possible. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

PBear said:


> Speaking as a guy... That seems a little off. Just because a woman (or man, for that matter) respects someone of the opposite gender, it doesn't mean they'll love them. But without respect, I don't feel a long term love is possible.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yay I agree, fathers, brothers, uncles, bosses, etc may all be candidates for respect.

There is a correlation between respect and sexual attraction.

Love is more than that, but its no small thing either.

I think if the respect slips away in a relationship that love slips away in somewhat equal measure, for a husband or wife, but the reverse is not true.

So "Don't worry" about if a woman loves them, that is very two dimensional thinking.

Just my opinion.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While respect, in and of itself, is certainly good as a precursor, it alone, is no realistic barometer of knowing whether or not it will serve to keep a committed relationship intact!*


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Some people's respect you just cannot earn, and that is OK. I only concern myself with people whose respect I want to earn.


----------



## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

When I lost respect for my husband, I stopped loving him. When he regained that respect I loved him again. 

It is a necessary condition. But not sufficient.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Happyfamily said:


> When I lost respect for my husband, I stopped loving him. When he regained that respect I loved him again.
> 
> *It is a necessary condition. But not sufficient.*


Could you expound on that, please, Hf?


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> The idea seemed to be that if a man earns a woman's genuine respect, she will eventually come to love him.


I agree with the statement.

I think some on this thread are confusing sexual attraction with love.

A person can be sexually attracted to a person they neither respect or love, but they cannot love someone they don't respect.

Sexual attraction and chemistry comes at a dime a dozen, but the love born out of deep genuine respect is hard too find.

A lot of problems in relationships stem from a basic lack of respect and trust. Respect is lost and then trust is broken down.

Trust and respect are the only real currency one has in this life.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Trust and respect are the only real currency one has in this life.


I would add integrity, which I'd say is the basis for trust and respect.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I agree with the statement.
> 
> I think some on this thread are confusing sexual attraction with love.
> 
> ...


I wish I could put 5 "likes" on this post.

I remember your saying this a few weeks ago, CM, that sexual attraction and physical chemistry are a dime a dozen. That needs to be repeated regularly. 

And GT, excellent point about integrity.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I haven't loved most guys I've had respect for but I've never loved a guy that I haven't respected.


----------



## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

jld said:


> Could you expound on that, please, Hf?


I mean it in the formal mathematics sense. A necessary condition means it is something you must have. But it may not be enough. 

A sufficient condition means it is enough. So in mathematics we talk about "necessary and sufficient" conditions.

For my kids to ride the horses at the fair, a necessary condition is that I pay the fee. But it is not sufficient because there is a height requirement too. If you both pay and are tall enough, you have satisfied the necessary and sufficient conditions. 

Likewise it is necessary that I have a husband I respect. But he's got to have more. I respect my dad too. My brother. Some of my old professors. My old coach. But the only one I have slept with is my husband. lol. Although others tried.


----------



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I love my husband and am still attracted to him. But I don't respect him. I respect his things and his money, but not him. As in, I don't seek to destroy his possessions or drain his account out of spite.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Generally I think my respect for him is a big part of the attraction. 

I know that if I feel I don't respect him, have to monitor his behaviour or behave like a parent, then I have zero desire for him. 

Things like cheating, gambling, porn, alcohol abuse, him not taking care of his fair share of things in the house etc all of those things would lead to loss of respect. 

To respect him, he'd also have to have good boundaries and not allow me or any one else to walk all over him. It's not attractive.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can respect people I don't love.

I can even respect people I don't really care for or want to be around.... because maybe they are least consistent in their beliefs but it still doesn't mean that I like them.......

So respect is a necessary condition for love, but it is not a sufficient one by itself.

In fact, this is one of the problems I had with guys in my 20s. I thought, well, I respect them, I like them, isn't that enough of a basis to spend time around one another. No, not for them, because they wanted love ..... and sex. Now, I understand these things.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I'll respect you in the morning... Really, I will.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PBear said:


> Speaking as a guy... That seems a little off. Just because a woman (or man, for that matter) respects someone of the opposite gender, it doesn't mean they'll love them. *But without respect, I don't feel a long term love is possible.*










... I asked my H one night what he cares about more.. *LOVE* or *RESPECT* as books are written like this...

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs 
I've never read this but I've heard it is really good by a # of people that .. well.. I respect..

1st he answers "*Love*".... then adds if I didn't *respect* him....I wouldn't fully *LOVE* him or could love him... something like that.. this was probably a year ago now.. then he established they were equally valuable/ necessary ....



> *Caribbean Man said*: I think some on this thread are confusing sexual attraction with love.
> 
> *A person can be sexually attracted to a person they neither respect or love, but they cannot love someone they don't respect.
> 
> ...


 How true this is ... 

I have respected a # of men in my life.. but were not attracted to them in a physical or swooning way at all...but I would come away saying .."Damn he is a great guy, I really look up to him"... 

I have been physically attracted to a$$holes ...but had no respect for the type of life they lived or how they treated others.. Neither of these situations would work for a harmonious lasting relationship...


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I can respect people I don't love.
> 
> I can even respect people I don't really care for or want to be around.... because maybe they are least consistent in their beliefs but it still doesn't mean that I like them.......
> 
> ...


What if you had a child or family member who you didn't appreciate their path or constitution. But for them they didn't care so it didn't bother them. You could love them but not really respect them. But you COULD accept that's who they say they are.


----------



## QueenofEverything (Jun 19, 2014)

If your wife doesn't respect you...then good luck with your marriage. You can respect someone and not be "in love" with them, but I don't know how you could be "in love" or have romantic love for someone you don't respect.


----------



## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I decided to look up what the Bible says about the relationship. Very intersting to me how the husband is told to love his wife and the wife is told to respect her husband (never the other way around in the versus.) It also says that the two shall become as one. So to me this means that love and respect can be turned around here - husbands respect your wife and wives love your husband - if the two are one would this not make sense? And if this is so - this means that for love to exist in marriage (as designed by our creator) - so must respect. This is my logical deduction anyway. 

From the book of Ephesians:

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have respected a # of men in my life.. but were not attracted to them in a physical or swooning way at all...but I would come away saying .."Damn he is a great guy, I really look up to him"...


Well, maybe I am in the minority, but I am sure I could fall in love with a man as my respect for him grew. Love does not always come right away.

I have been pretty surprised at the responses to this thread. I thought this idea would have been pretty commonly held, though not maybe one we think about much. Interesting that it is not.


----------



## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

I have been going thru this for several years. I am curious as to how your husband gained back your respect. While I care about mine & he is generally a good guy, I am afraid I don't love him the way a wife should love a husband. I lost respect for him a while ago & kept trying to choose to love him, see him differently, forget about the past hurts & resentments. But I just can't. I should & still try, but...

How do you choose to love, forget, and respect again ?



UOTE=Happyfamily;9213546]When I lost respect for my husband, I stopped loving him. When he regained that respect I loved him again. 

It is a necessary condition. But not sufficient.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Respect mixed with desire and admiration and passion!? YES!

And no to the bible stuff. lol "Submit". oh lawd.


----------



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Q tip said:


> I'll respect you in the morning... Really, I will.


:rofl::rofl:

I like your one liners on TAM


----------



## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Happyfamily said:


> When I lost respect for my husband, I stopped loving him. When he regained that respect I loved him again.
> 
> It is a necessary condition. But not sufficient.


This happened with me- I've ALWAYS loved my husband, BUT I will say that I romantically loved him less when I lost respect for him. As he is making changes to improve himself post-affair I am regaining some respect for him and I feel my love for him also growing. So in my case yes.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I couldn't stay in love my husband if I didn't respect him. But I wouldn't have fallen in love with him just because I respected him. 

I fell in love with him before I even really knew him. You can't respect someone fully if you don't know them intimately. 

I respect my dad, my mum, my sister, my brother. Lots of my friends. But I'm only in love with my husband. I've only ever been in love with my husband.

Maybe it's because I had the head-over-heels, giddy, infatuation start to my love for him. That's not really about respect and longevity. But if you're lucky it can follow.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Respect mixed with desire and admiration and passion!? YES!
> 
> And no to the bible stuff. lol "Submit". oh lawd.


Submission is BS, clearly. I prefer the word defer. Any time I can, I defer. As does he.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Q tip said:


> I'll respect you in the morning... Really, I will.


but only if we have anal.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As I posted in another thread there are different types of respect. Make sure we are all talking about the same ones.

The word defer is good. I have my wife's utmost respect in things related to being a father, a provider (she makes almost as much as I do), a leader, a very creative problem solver, someone who gets things done, someone who can provide sage advise on any topic and get anything done. Yet my marriage is nowhere near commensurate of the "respect" one should command with the above marital resume. 

So pardon me if I'm a skeptic as to the application of respect in marriage.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you think respect for a man's character is what they meant, john, as opposed to his talents? 

I'm not saying your character does not invite respect from your wife. I am just thinking this might be what the comment was about.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well...

In a marriage one respects both. Or should. In a business transaction, only one usually. 

But a lot of what I wrote about is character respect, not abilities respect. I.e. being a good parent, a stable person that does not get frazzled, a caring individual, a determined individual. It's "dual use" abilities to paraphrase it...

Judging from the kinds of losers I see out there getting married I would say respect is the last thing on their women's list


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I can't imagine how it is to be in love and not respect the person. 

I also don't think my husband _earned_ my respect. He just has self-respect ...and I respect _that_. 

There's various ways that I interpret his self-respect. Taking responsibility for himself. Treating others with respect. Dealing with his past and family dynamics. Not being a "yes" man at work. His willingness to walk away from negotiations and being a man of his word. Calling me on my bullsh!t. Being able to be called on his. Wanting to grow and be challenged. Communicating his needs, expectations and boundaries of me and our marriage. Listening to my needs, expectations and boundaries in return. Taking pride in his appearance without being vain. Living reasonably healthily.


----------

