# Can we move forward?



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I started coming to this site over 8 months ago when my H told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Shortly after that I found out he had cheated. It's been an uphill battle since then to save my marriage. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, when I discover that he was still seeing the OW. He had led me to believe that it was over, we were sleeping together, doing things as a family, trying to figure out what came next. Needless to say I was devastated, all over again. I got her info from his email contact list, looked her up, she's on myspace. A 22 year old girl who's also married, with a kid. So last weekend he "ended it", but had to go do it in person! I was so angry and hurt, crying my eyes out, then he texts me saying "it's done, I'm going to so n so's house", then doesn't come home til 3 a.m. I let him know exactly how I felt about that and that I would not continue to let him hurt me. I love my H, with all my heart, but I've been pushed to my limit of kindness and patience. We talked about him moving out, to give us both space and time to figure out where we are going. Then the next day he says he's not sure if he wants to move out. I don't know what to do. I just don't have it in my heart to force him out, I want to fix things, I want to be good again. I just don't know if all he has done and said can be forgiven. I know that he would have to be transparent from this point on, we haven't had that talk yet. I can't stop thinking about them, how for the last 8 months she's been getting the good parts of him, his tenderness, his laughter, his warmth. I know I'm rambling at this point, my thoughts are so scattered.  Someone please help me. Where do I go from here? When I mention counseling he gets that terrified rabbit look on his face and changes the subject. I know that I should probably just let him go, make him move out, but the thought makes me sick. I'm so confused.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there and so sorry you are in this position, I know how much it hurts.....
First of all you have to try to stay calm and make a few decisions for yourself.....if you want to save your marriage you will have to demand some boundaries with your husband....
First of all the OW in your husband's life has to be gone for good forever....
He should send a No Contact letter to her and you should approve it and then you should mail it....
Then he will need to be totally transparent with his phone, his comp, and his whereabouts at all time.......
The two of you should go to some marriage therapy as well and learn why the affair happened for him and how to learn to meet each other's needs.....
If he isn't willing then exposing the affair is the next thing, the best way to stop an affair is putting out on display, it's not any fun when everyone knows what you are doing to your family, he will be mad but he will get over it.......
your marriage won't survive having an other woman in it.....
If you are both willing you can have the best marriage you could ever have......
Tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable and if he isn't willing to work on the marriage and give up the OW then he needs to move on with his life........have him move out and you work on yourself and building a new life......
Unless you make him give her up you will live in the hell you are feeling now......


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

The OW's husband deserves to know just like you did!!! By not exposing you will become a part of the affair conspiracy. If a cheater needs to be forced or does not take full ownership to all parties concerned then the odds are stacked against recovery. Just spend some time reading all the various infidelity sites and its a glaring fact. Just throwing that out there!!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Cantletgo,
You’ve been betrayed big time. I know you know that.

I came to the conclusion and judgement that my wife would never go to counselling because she was afraid of being found out. She more or less had me round her little finger and was able to get away with lots of lies and deceits. I was very gullible and naïve. I think she feared a counsellor would see right through her and that’s why she wouldn’t go. Maybe your husband’s reasons are the same.

I think you need to call the OW and talk with her. Get her version of “the story” and see if they match your husband’s version. You do know now he’s a liar and a cheat, this is one way to see if he’s amended his ways or not.

It may be tough for you to make the call to the other woman. But you do need to take care of and protect yourself. The call needn’t be confrontational. If she gets abusive just put the phone down. Maybe have a friend with you when you make the call or ask a friend to make the call for you. Don’t tell your husband.

Bob


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

First of all, you never should have let him go tell her in person. you should have made him call in front of you. Here is my advice if you TRULY want to work it out. Give him these "rules." ***K trust right now, he needs to do some proving before he gets your trust...

1) get his # changed if he has a cell phone, which i assume he does. keep track of his call log, most cell companies you can do online, if you don't have internet, call the company and get a detailed billing statement sent to you every month!!! 
2) make him give you his passwords to email, facebook, myspace, etc, etc...or better yet have him delete the facebook & myspace.. which ever one you feel ok about.
3)once you have his passwords, go in and change his security questions so that he can't change the passwords on you, just to send her a email. also occasionally search to see if he's created a new email, facebook, myspace...fairly easy to do.
4)pretty much if he goes somewhere you have the right to know, so if he's at his friends house, go with him, or call him while he's there...make sure you have the "friends" #.
5)add anything else that makes you comfortable...like yahoo IM, windows live IM..etc.

He should be kissing your feet right now...make him realize it, or he'll just keep doing it. I've made it real clear that the last time was the last time...he knows if i ever catch anything ever again he's gone. good luck!~


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I am terrible with verbal communication, so I wrote him a letter outlining all of the things that would need to happen should he choose to stay. Whether or not he is staying to work this out or just until he finds a place to live. Believe me, I know that I have to be able to confirm where he is and what he's doing and have access to all email accounts etc. Unfortunatey can't change his cell #, it's a work phone. As far as him going to see her, well, that was just another slap in my face and I let him know that he pushed me too far with that one and I don't know anymore if I can forgive all the horrible things he's done and said. I don't even know for sure if it's really over. I did contact her through email but already knew pretty much everything she said. Trying to tell me how much she "loves" him. Wanted to slap her. Sure, it's easy to love someone when all you get is the "good" parts, and it's all secret and dirty and fun. Told him the same thing. She'd never be a part of his actual life, considering all his friends are our friends and kinda hate him right now and would never allow her around them, plus his mom and sister are 2 of my best friends and they wouldn't accept her either. 
I just don't know where to go from here, other than counseling which he hates, and yes, I think it's because he doesn't want to look that closely at himself. Plus he's not a big talker. So I'm in a weird spot right now because my heart wants so much to get past this and be a family again, we have 2 young children, but my head can't shut out thoughts and images of them, imaging what he's said to her, and the fact that he had "feelings" for someone else.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

writing the letter is a good idea, don't give him very long to give you an answer, this is a tough love situation, if he thinks he can walk all over you, he will.
Make him feel the brunt of his decisions. Have him move out, make him leave the life he knows, let him feel what that is like....
When the OW has to meet all his needs and he needs to meet all hers, I'll bet it won't be that much fun......the affair will die out in a big hurry, especially if everyone knows what they are up to and what he is doing to his family.......
You have done nothing wrong, but you need to be strong, look strong, even if you don't feel it.....
Let him believe that you can survive without him......
Until the affair ends you can't re-build the marriage.....in the meantime, don't be crazy, always look good, smell good and make him see what he is giving up......be reasonable and fair....he will notice and start to compare his options......
Affairs are fantasy not real life, I bet he knows this as well.....
good luck, be strong....


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