# Contemplating divorce



## Kira (May 20, 2017)

We have been married for 20 years and have a 12 y.o. together. We have been through many things together, like any couple I guess. In our marriage I am the one who leads and he is a follower. This is how we are and I think it suited us both. I think that during all these years my emotional needs were not met, at least a big part of them. He is a nice guy, a very good father, but when it comes to be a husband, a man who shows love through his actions, this is where he fails.

The advice which is often given is to communicate. In my case, I really did everything possible. I did communicate my needs. I even gave examples of what I would like him to do. And it was not that demanding, believe me. In the past he said he will but he didn’t. Lately he would only react with frustration and eye rolling attitude “Here we go again, I am so fed up”

Things are pretty good when I am fine and I do it the way he likes “nice and easy”, but when something happens to me and I need an emotional support he is distant. Also, when he does something which hurts me and I am trying to communicate, he shuts down and avoid the conversation.

It has been this way all our life together: if I don’t express any need and being strong, amazing, energetic and joyful, then everything is fairly good. As soon as I express a disagreement or want to bring a serious conversation, this does not work.

Also, most of the time he is apathetic and lacking energy, ideas and motivation. Our vacation, our plans, our project – it is all my part. And it’s true I am doing it with joy. But I also sometimes need to be taken care of. To be listen, understood. 

He cut me off every time I am trying to communicate all this to him. A counseling is not an option, he hates it and he think “nobody would know better than him what he needs to do”.

I have been thinking about divorcing him once in a while for the pas 10-12 years. With the 6-9 months periodicity, but could never take a serious step. After this little crisis, everything would get back to normal. But lately more and more I have this constant background feeling of not being valued and cherished and that sucks energy and joy out of me.

So here I am again with my eternal question: to call it quit or not. 

I will be very grateful for your input and feedback.


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## AlastairfromSupernatural (May 20, 2017)

Separation. Leave a typed piece of paper with your thoughts. Place it next to the separation papers. Leave for a week with your child and give him that time to call back. Seven days is the deadline. If he doesn't call by then, file for divorce. Let him know what will happen if he decides to not call back.


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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

AlastairfromSupernatural said:


> Separation. Leave a typed piece of paper with your thoughts. Place it next to the separation papers. Leave for a week with your child and give him that time to call back. Seven days is the deadline. If he doesn't call by then, file for divorce. Let him know what will happen if he decides to not call back.


*What gives her the right to take the child out of the home? That is illegal, I believe. And immoral.*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is some reading. I think you will recognize yourself in it.

The Walk-away Wife Syndrome


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would suggest that before you give up, you try something. He does not take you seriously because you are not taking yourself seriously. You complain. And then what do you do? Nothing.

He is apparently happy in the marriage. And if he’s happy, he most likely feels that there is no problems. Some guys need a 2x4 to wake up.

Here are some books that I think will help you.

*Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again*  by Michele Weiner-Davis


*The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage* by Michele Weiner-Davis

*“Love Busters”* and *“His Needs, Her Needs”* {see links in my signature block below}

My suggestion is that you read the books to learn the approach that they teach. Then you sit him down, and tell him that you are profoundly unhappy. That either he and you work to fix things so that you can stay in the marriage or you are divorcing him. You need for him to the last two books (“Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”) with you and to do the work with you.

If he doesn't get it, then file for divorce. Sometimes is works to have some divorce papers ready to go when you talk to him. You can download some online and fill them out--just the basic part that you first to get it started.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

LostinMO said:


> *What gives her the right to take the child out of the home? That is illegal, I believe. And immoral.*




Probably not illegal. In Virginia, it is automatic joint custody until one of the parties files and wins custody, either primary or soul. 

(Sole)? W/e

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## LostinMO (Jan 1, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Probably not illegal. In Virginia, it is automatic joint custody until one of the parties files and wins custody, either primary or soul.
> 
> (Sole)? W/e
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


*I have heard that it was illegal. Either way...she shouldn't take the child out of the child's home, away from "a very good father". She'd cause more harm than good.*


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Wait until he returns. Then, have your heart to hearrt with him. This time be fully prepared to back up words with action. Read the materials Eli suggested, they will give you a better understanding of yourself. 


About a month ago my younger SIL just packed up and left. She left behind two heartbroken kids and H. Everyone of us could see all the issues in their marriage and he was of oblivious. My H tried talking to him but he would walk away from any real conversation. To tell the truth we are all surprised she stayed that long. 

Just don't leave without fully explaining yourself to him again.


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## troy93955 (May 16, 2017)

I am going through the same thing with my wife. Almost the same scenario. I do love her but am not happy. I have been thinking about leaving her for about 2 yrs now but I keep thinking it will change, and actually had a nervous break down because I feel so bad about the way I feel. I'm not a weak man by any means. I believe this is starting to make me ill, and I am certain there is no way to approach or think about leaving with out a lot of pain for both parties. 

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## troy93955 (May 16, 2017)

I hope you find the relief you are looking for, and be calmness​ or peanut inside. Good luck

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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

AlastairfromSupernatural said:


> Separation. Leave a typed piece of paper with your thoughts. Place it next to the separation papers. Leave for a week with your child and give him that time to call back. Seven days is the deadline. If he doesn't call by then, file for divorce. Let him know what will happen if he decides to not call back.


Women's sense of entitlement when it comes to the kids is breathtaking. What gives her the right to take the kids away from the dad? Unless there is abuse , this is horrible. If I was the dad, this action alone is divorce worthy. This is also why I have started advising all of the young males I know to avoid marriage and children. Men have no rights so they should not participate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stang197 said:


> Women's sense of entitlement when it comes to the kids is breathtaking. What gives her the right to take the kids away from the dad? Unless there is abuse , this is horrible. If I was the dad, this action alone is divorce worthy. This is also why I have started advising all of the young males I know to avoid marriage and children. *Men have no rights so they should not participate*.


That's a ridiculous statement. If the OP were to leave with the kids, without his permission, he could go to court immediately and have the children returned to their home. I've seen it happen when a man acts to stop the mother of his children from making this sort of unilateral move.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Kira

Are you still reading here? How's it going?


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Stang197 said:
> 
> 
> > Women's sense of entitlement when it comes to the kids is breathtaking. What gives her the right to take the kids away from the dad? Unless there is abuse , this is horrible. If I was the dad, this action alone is divorce worthy. This is also why I have started advising all of the young males I know to avoid marriage and children. *Men have no rights so they should not participate*.
> ...


Fact is men get hosed in this situation the vast majority of the time. Their rights are routinely squashed in favor of the mom. And seeing the comment that the mom should take the kids is the ridiculous statement. Not only ridiculous but horrible.


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## troy93955 (May 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> That's a ridiculous statement. If the OP were to leave with the kids, without his permission, he could go to court immediately and have the children returned to their home. I've seen it happen when a man acts to stop the mother of his children from making this sort of unilateral move.


I agree.... What happened to equality?? 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

troy93955 said:


> I agree.... What happened to equality??


That's a pretty cryptic post. I'm not sure what you are talking about. Could you clarify?


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## troy93955 (May 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @Kira
> 
> Are you still reading here? How's it going?


 @Kira @EleGirl.... I feel for Kira (as I am the majority of men do. I would hope anyway) for the heartache you are feeling, and the unsteadiness of her feelings. 
I am personally going through some crap myself that has given me a nervous break down 2 year's ago, now 2 yrs later I am feeling like I am going to have another, so... I am​ telling you that it's been 2 year's of trying to get over whatever​ it is or, whoever it is that is unhappy. I don't know if these freaken guys are here just woman bashing Kira or what... But I can say this for most guys I would hope, which I have very little of at this moment, that we aren't reading this divorce blog because we just want to talk about our wives, we are here trying to HOPEFULLY get a womens point of view, maybe I am the assho##.... We or, I am hear trying to save my marriage, asking: Have I over looked something that my dunb ass can't see about myself???? 

I am Personally not a weak man, I think I am not to proud of guy to think that I am easy to live with at times and, don't screw **** up once in awhile because I am very aware that I do... I will "Eat crow" once in awhile. I think that am so overbearing to smother my women. I truly love her and don't want to leave. 

So please don't take our children from us, not in a way that makes us look like the Vllian. Some of us do try really hard, and suffer just as you are to save our ladies Respect​ and love and her dignaty. I am or was kinda a Man's Man", men can and have been pushed to the limit to die/or kill someone​if they try to hurt or worse thingd to our women. 
Some of us do care.... AND if we love you that much.. how much more would a man love his child, our children???? 

Wow.. That felt good... I believe this discussion has helped me to make my decision... I am very serious I just made up my mind...

I am leaving my wife, I hope she is ok, but I will no longer live like this, it's un healthy and, unfair for me. Me me... I love her truly.

I am sure she has her aches and compantes about me.. that is fair... two sides to every story.
@Kira I hope your day gets better. And i hope you celebrate your 75th anniversary with your husband. I Do... 
The time, energy, and feelings​ put into yours​/ours current spouses are spent in abundance and hopefully is not going into nothing.

Ladies we love our children... We're not all deadbeats.


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## deepsouth (Apr 28, 2017)

Kira said:


> We have been married for 20 years and have a 12 y.o. together. We have been through many things together, like any couple I guess. In our marriage I am the one who leads and he is a follower. This is how we are and I think it suited us both. I think that during all these years my emotional needs were not met, at least a big part of them. He is a nice guy, a very good father, but when it comes to be a husband, a man who shows love through his actions, this is where he fails.
> 
> The advice which is often given is to communicate. In my case, I really did everything possible. I did communicate my needs. I even gave examples of what I would like him to do. And it was not that demanding, believe me. In the past he said he will but he didn’t. Lately he would only react with frustration and eye rolling attitude “Here we go again, I am so fed up”
> 
> ...


He probably just doesn't know how. How many of us are taught how to be men? We generally just have to wing it by watching others in our culture but without good examples that is a tough road to hoe!

I know that the same is true for women but one thing at a time here!

It's possible that he lets you do those things because it has worked for him in the past and without a clear example to follow he doesn't know how to change.

What is tough in this situation is how do you make him want to change? IDK the answer to that but it sounds like you are going to crash his world soon so that might be the trigger. I'd try to do everything else (someone mentioned some resources that might give you some ideas) before going nuclear though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

troy,

I asked you to start your own thread to stop thread jacking this thread. Since you did not do that, I moved your last few posts to your own thread. Here is the link.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...82161-so-here-short-version.html#post17964377


This thread was started by Kira. So we are giving her support on this thread. You need your own thread if you want input for your own situation.

I’m closing this thread. If Kira returns, she can ask for this thread to be reopened.


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## Kira (May 20, 2017)

Thank you guys for your perspective. 

I’d like to reassure you that taking the kid out of him is not an option I would ever consider. Hurting people is my biggest fear. And he is a good father and our son loves him. So, while about the half of the posts on this thread was about it, honestly this problem does not even exist in the first place. It would be shared custody in case of the divorce.

I am here to read your very valuable opinions since I often consider that since there is nothing “really mean” he does, it would be extremely selfish to break a family just because my needs are not being met. Some answers really resonated with me. 
@deepsouth: you got it all, nothing makes him want to change. That makes me feel hopeless.
@EleGirl: The Walk-away Wife Syndrome is amazing. Wow! I could never imagine my situation could be so common! 

As for another material, I really read a lot on the subject. I understand our needs are not the same. There are gender, but also individual differences. I think I understand everything… I think I simply miss a partner, an equal from whom I can learn from time to time. Who can take something on him and lead me through the difficulties of life. All this have always been on my shoulders. And it’s ok. 

It is just that sometimes, when I read or hear men questioning themselves and searching for the answers about life, I am just speechless and astonished. How much I would want my husband have at least a little bit of this need!


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