# What was attrctive about the OM/OW



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Im curious if any of you LS had a talk w/ your wayward about what attracted them to the AP?
The thing I'm getting at is intimacy, the sex, not so much details, but did any of you talk about this aspect?

I know all about the script " attention" "time spent" "meeting/filling a need". What I'm wondering is, if your spouse was forthcoming enought to talk about the AP's looks & build, smells (cologne/perfum), basicly what attracted WS to get phsyical. 

I'm searching for an answer that would explain to me why I wanted to know from my WW all of this. I fell I wanted to learn and be competitive, be attractive to her again? 

BTW, W told me and it worked, painful to hear but we are very much attracted to each other again.

Please share. It may be all commonn sence and all, but I'm just curious to hear from all the wonderful poeple at TAM.

Plus it gives me a chance to start a thread (its been a while)



Please induldge me by giving me your thought on the other side of the coin if your a DS, lost that sex apeal with spouse and found it with AP.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Good question and after you get my response, I'm going to ask the wife!
The OW was someone that we had both known for about 6 years. I thought that she was pretty when I first met her.
She always smelled good, was funny, witty, sweet(I thought), very sexy, big blue eyes that just made me melt.
She had a great figure, long legs, nice ass.
Physically, she was a beautiful woman.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Oh, I wanted to know the same thing for some sick reason. In my case, the OM was her high school sweetheart, who so happened to be the star quarterback. When we discussed this in MC, she talked about wanting to get with someone who had his body type; the bulging muscles, floorboard abs, 12" personality, et al. Although I do work out and will never to be confused with the Michelin Man, I don't have those things going for me. My rebuttal to that was that if she so much desired to be with a guy like that, why marry me in the first place? I accepted her and the CC cuts she had from having had a child before I met her, without feeling the need to run off to some woman who had a tighter body. He was available at the time; marry him since he was sooo perfect and according to her, had the body of a Greek god. From what she said to the counselor, she was bored with good sex; she wanted great sex with a little danger mixed in.

I do not feel the need to compete because the whole ordeal makes my blood boil. To this day, I now feel like I was the proverbial fallback guy, her last resort after her deadbeat ex ran off. You know why I feel this way? Because the OM did not need to take her out on multiple dinner dates, trips to the mall, etc. to get her motor going; I did. Even now, she talks about how she needs to feel desired and pursued to get in the mood to do anything with me. After basically being told that I am no better than a bronze medal winner to her, why would I want to go all out with her again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So if your W wanted to she could go to the gym, work out, and wear different perfume, make her self more sexy with her makeup and clothes?
Making her more attract then the AP. Or she could at least compete in the physical attraction aspect.

Don't mean to put you on the spot with your W , but I'm reaching for the fact that your W could winn your attraction back by doing some of the things the AP had? Especially after the affiar.

I'm trying to find......or get inlightened by the fact that the disloyal spouse loose attraction for the loyal spouse and what the loyal spouse can do do get an edge over the affair partner.

In somes case it could be taking a shower evert night, generaly speaking. Kind of like a wife/husband walks a round in a robe and sweats all day and night and finds the W/H is sleeping around would that wife/husband make an effort to dress sexyer/ GQ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Simon,
Thanks for the perspective, I see I have some how felt that competting with the OM's may not have helped one way or the other but I still washed up more and did my best to make her second guess her choices as far as what I had and what OM had.

If things would have worked out would you have gone down that road, to be more dangerous with the sex?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i hope its ok for me to post an answer here....

for me, my circle of peoples were driving me crazy. ok, this is why kids shouldnt have kids, then try and have adult relationships..ha-ha


my mom was not happy with me and my life choices. she had wanted me to be a marine bilogist [i cant even spell it] i love animals..but i dont care for sea mammals.

she thought we would live together..forever?? cant say. she worked very hard to keep from men, and everything in her power to keep marriage from me.

so, i have a baby, with a guy...and we were going to be together. not the 2 of us raise the baby. so she was mad, and didnt really talk to be, even though we all at this point lived together, and was very mean.

so i turned to my good girl friend for support. she told me she a baby too, and we would talk babies, and other things in life and our parents.

have you ever had a conversation with someone, and another person would bring up a similar topics or subjects?? what if its on point and a very much the same language you and the other person used.

not to mention, this friend stole, set me up for a train to get ran on me, and basically told her circle, the 2 of us were the worst parents ever, like we hit our baby, and threatened to call cps numerous times.

i would tell my mom about it, [she moved out] and she would tell me too bad thats what i wanted and i should just suffer with that man.

husband [not then] was too young and this was both of our first realtionship, he just didnt know what to do. so eventually we fell into arguements and fought. my mom and i fought a lot, i didnt even like calling her, and she would always hand up on me, and i had this very toxic friend.

i was so tired of all the drama, i just wanted out. so i did have EA's with guys only i knew, and i never told them about my home life.

for a brief moment in time, there was no yelling, no mom being cruel, no horrible friend, no baby daddy who couldnt handle the situation.

did it cause more drama...you bet. but i was so tired, and just done with all these people around me. at some point the friend had been banished from the house..but the damage was done.

she had a lot of EA's and PA's..oh yea, she had a dude also, and "3" kids...but i never believed her. she lied about everything. i though she had a bugged my apt, there was no way she could have just guessed that we had just talked about...say trimming pubes 2 nites ago.

i literally turned the apt upside-down for weeks looking for evidence. nothing, but i was going crazy. somethings he didnt know about, so he couldnt help. mom didnt care, so i wanted out.

empty, flimsy, shallow???? prob., but thats what it was. i just wanted to be normal, and have a friend who wanted to be friends. a mom who was my mom again. and a guy who just did something about it.

the other guys were average looking, and not really any different than us. well, they were different, they didnt know my life, didnt know how i was coming apart...

sorry for the book.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

the guy said:


> So if your W wanted to she could go to the gym, work out, and wear different perfume, make her self more sexy with her makeup and clothes?
> Making her more attract then the AP. Or she could at least compete in the physical attraction aspect.
> 
> Don't mean to put you on the spot with your W , but I'm reaching for the fact that your W could winn your attraction back by doing some of the things the AP had? Especially after the affiar.
> ...


I assume this was directed at me and I have no problem being "put on the spot".
My wife is also a very beautiful woman. While not the same body type as the OW, she has better looking legs and a cuter ass. My wife is in very good physical shape and at 50 years old, still looks fantastic in a bikini! She also smells real good and has a smile that will turn me to mush.
Physical attraction is not what led me to cheat on my wife. It was all the mental/emotional problems in our marriage.
Would it have happened if the OW had unattractive? I don't know. I doubt it.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> the other guys were average looking, and not really any different than us. well, they were different, they didnt know my life, didnt know how i was coming apart...


As one poster said in another thread, protect the relationship/marriage from people that can damage it.

"Friends" that act like a Lotharo or influence your behaviour can be very toxic.

Why compete with AP? 

Why not do things that make you happy and the rest should fall into place.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lazarus said:


> As one poster said in another thread, protect the relationship/marriage from people that can damage it.
> 
> "Friends" that act like a Lotharo or influence your behaviour can be very toxic.
> 
> ...


Sounds good in theory, but in many long term relationships, people start to take things for granted. For example, guys developing beer bellies, wives not bothering with their looks unless they're going out for a special occasion...

In my case, I would say the appeal was mostly emotional/mental. Finding someone who actually found me attractive, who wanted to have sex with me. The fact that they took pride in looking good, that they "smelled nice" (my wife never wore perfume unless we were going out), all these things I found appealing.

To be fair to my stbxw, I realize that we all put on a better face when we're in a new relationship, and I don't know what my affair partners would have been like long term. I do suspect that they did take more pride in their appearance than my stbx did. And my current GF definitely does. She's made it pretty darn clear over our relationships that what I think of her appearance is important to her, and the same goes for me. But my GF is one of those ladies who has to look her best all the time, even if it's going out to Home Depot. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OM was my childhood sweetheart. I've known him since I was a little girl. Physically he is tall and has a stockier build though not muscley. Dark hair, brown eyes and full lips. An exotic look though not classically handsome. Tattoos- which aren't something I'm generally into. Charming and really romantic. He proposed to me before my husband did though I was dating husband at the time. Its cliche but he was very flattering to me. Made me feel good and desireable. The long history we shared was a part of it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I asked my WW all about the OM. Had to know. I can't imagine not asking because I wanted to know every detail of every thing.

Was this good for me? Probably not. I have to now live with some issues for the rest of my life like mind movies and never feeling good enough. We are recovering nicely, but I have said this before and don't think I will ever change my mind.....I feel like I'm second best. Can't ever be the best because there was a time in our life where she pushed me aside and chose him over me.

My WW started the relationship via chat and text. Then she started seeing him in person. He's about 6 foot (taller than me), Full time firefighter (I'm a computer geek), he's been lifting weights heavily for 4 years (much bigger than me), he makes more money than me, and he is a single dad.

Ok, please hand me my second place ribbon since I will now have insecurities for the rest of my life.

Need to compete you ask??? Yes I will die trying. The good news is that I will have the image that I would like in time. It's motivation to better myself no matter how you look at it, so I'll live.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

IT guy:

Remember that you have one thing that he will never have: she married YOU, and you have your shared family history. Never think of yourself as second place. She had a fantasy with OM, but you can provide real time love.

I guess I should cut a hole in myself and let the sap out, but I can't stand to see good people run themselves down.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> IT guy:
> 
> Remember that you have one thing that he will never have: she married YOU, and you have your shared family history. Never think of yourself as second place. She had a fantasy with OM, but you can provide real time love.
> 
> I guess I should cut a hole in myself and let the sap out, but I can't stand to see good people run themselves down.


I know you are right. It's just a little hard to see the bright side at times. I will admit that I'm not in the greatest of moods this morning (bottom of one of those rollar coaster drops). Ill feel better after getting jacked up in the gym today.

In the end this will (and already has) make me a much stronger individual. I've made a lot of changes to myself for the better. No matter what the reasons, this will be a good thing long term. I'll try harder at everything, be a better man in general, and be a better role model for my kids.

Oh, and I will leg press 1000lbs at least once on D-Day.....lol


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I asked my WW all about the OM. Had to know. I can't imagine not asking because I wanted to know every detail of every thing.
> 
> Was this good for me? Probably not. I have to now live with some issues for the rest of my life like mind movies and never feeling good enough. We are recovering nicely, but I have said this before and don't think I will ever change my mind.....I feel like I'm second best. Can't ever be the best because there was a time in our life where she pushed me aside and chose him over me.
> 
> ...


I haven't asked my H about the OW. I know some stuff that he's volunteered in passing, and I went through a phase of looking her up online, where I saw stuff about her on her FB before she blocked me, and photos which showed me stuff about her.

In my case, it was emotional with the OW. She fussed around him a lot, was quite open and direct with her feelings, and was reasonably attractive. She is very sporty and likes going on vacations to exotic/foreign places. 

Me? I fuss around him a lot. I have always been open and direct with my feelings, and to be frank I am definitely more attractive than her. Not sporty though. I like the idea of going on such vacations but have never been able to afford that with my H. So all in all not that much different really. The clincher that kills me? They " had a lot in common." Me and my H have never had that much in common. She was as another poster has said, an escape from reality. He could talk to her about life and fun stuff without having to worry about demanding children, meeting needs in me he couldn't understand because he didn't have them, she had done stuff he wanted to do but couldn't because he never was organized enough when he was younger and we can't afford now with the constraints of a budget (she is single, works and has her house handed to her by her parents so no money worries.)

Like you, I have upped my game since I found out. More attention on my appearance, careful dieting, fitness classes, and for the first time in my life, I can step out in a bikini and feel pretty darn close to resembling the body I have always wanted and not worrying on the beach. I am more confident than ever in terms of how I look and within myself and how I act. Yet I have that feeling you have about feeling "second best." Despite the fact he chose to marry me and wanted me to have his children, and share everything in our lives together, I cannot shake that feeling of not being good enough. I don't know if you have this, but in all other aspects, like say if tomorrow I was single and wanted to go out and meet someone, I would feel great about myself and know I am a great catch. But with him it is different, and it is hard to think otherwise no matter what he says. My H has always said it was never about me and I am great as I am; yet it is hard to think I am that great to him given he sent his attentions elsewhere.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

it-guy,
Thats what got me to start this thread. I just wanted to address this self esteem issue.

Love- hit the nail on the head, in addition your WW's OM looked good out side but inside he is evil. Anyone who knowingly takes someones wife is just evil. No matter how much is on the out side he doesn't hold a candle to what you have on the inside.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

[QUOTELove- hit the nail on the head, in addition your WW's OM looked good out side but inside he is evil. Anyone who knowingly takes someones wife is just evil. No matter how much is on the out side he doesn't hold a candle to what you have on the inside:iagree:][/QUOTE]:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The second best thing can totaly suck, I guess thats why I felt the need to "shape up" shave, shower, cologne, and work out. It gave me the confidence I needed to heal. Even yesterday Simon had ne thinking, but today I see it not only competing but healing.

Making your self attractive to you and your wayward irregardless if you want to R or D.

I think its a good leason and as to looking at it as .......say it doesn't work out and the whole competitive issue is out the window, after several years of complacacy when you go to move on you will also look attrative for your next relationship. This kind of goes back to what Simon's reply was....about not competing. At that point it not about competing it about attracting another partener in a apperance aspect.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Laz-,
I hope this throws a little twist on competing? 
Its no so much a competion when your heading for divorce, but a way to better your self though appearence/ attaraction.

Laz- I competed because we wanted to R and it was also a way to do some preventive maintaince, but like Dan mentioned earlier the attraction or lack of attraction my WW had for me was more on the emotional level then appereance.

It seems my W attraction for me was based on the fact that I started to give a dam about her so now looking back 19-20 months ago, I most likely could have remained a slob and showed more emotion and she still would have been re attractived to me.

I guess I see this now but the fact remain I had to do this appearance thing for my self also.

Now the sex thing, that again I felt I had to have better game, I realize now that I was reclaiming, but still I felt the need to compete.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You can't compete against a fantasy which is what affairs and lovers really are. They are an escape from reality just like drugs and alcohol.

Competing with the AP (affair partner) is an exercise in futility. A better approach is to move on and IF your unfaithful spouse is willing to move Heaven and Earth to keep you AND you are willing to give them the chance, so much the better. That is why I am a fervent believer in the healing power of the 180 degree rules to the betrayed spouse.

Nevertheless, competing against yourself is always recommended, no matter whether your married or single. The pursuit for self-improvement should be everybody's goal.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

M-
My WW affairs were more ONS and alot of them. Her words" they were bandaids, a fantasy that her cheating would make her feel better".
She knew all along that is was never reality, that she could never go off and leave me for a man that sleeps with married women. 

So in my case it wasnt prince charming that would take her away, or even grass is greener kind of thing. 

But generaly speaking you are right you cant compete with the exconvict that has nothing going but the WW is in love and can help him and change him  (sarcasim).

At the time I didn't realize my idea of competition was a way to "self improve" but it has turned out that way.

You may have turned this thread around with regards to being attractive is not about competing but about self improvement.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

E- what if you are the first choice and the AP is the second choice?

Just thinking out side the box ( at least until the Chargers play @1:00

Back in the day my priority was me and my WW did what she was told. I always came first. 
Especially when she would go out, I always mad sure I got mine before she left.

man those were some ughly times.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Hey Guy, been a while since we've talked.

I have an idea for some quality time for you and Mrs. The Guy, next Sunday. She can buy you some tissues and console you after the Patriots destroy and humiliate the Chargers. 

Ahhh, I'm so glad football is back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LOL,LOL,LOL
Me 2


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife was attracted to their stupidity, large stomach, and lack of money. What this means is that she liked that she was able to help these losers and in return, they made her feel like a goddess with their love towards her.

I realize now that my wife resents my success, despite the fact that we both benefit from it. She has given me zero respect since our marriage because she hardly has any respect for herself or her body.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

RWB said:


> TG,
> 
> I asked this of my wife when I caught her cheating (6+ years, with a known 3 OM).
> 
> ...


As usual, the above is true for me two. RWB and I have twins that were separated at birth.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife complained about my hobbies and being out of the house. Well, I always would consider the family, and if I were fishing or working on cars. . . the one night a week I'd go out - after helping put the kids to sleep - she would ALWAYS make sure to send naked pictures to her OM. And my business travel - the pics were going to him, not me.

So I think it's quite funny that she points at me for making her lonely, yet she seemed to be relishing in the freedom of an empty house to send pics of her bush to some fat a-hole.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I cannot shake that feeling of not being good enough. I don't know if you have this, but in all other aspects, like say if tomorrow I was single and wanted to go out and meet someone, I would feel great about myself and know I am a great catch. But with him it is different, and it is hard to think otherwise no matter what he says.


This is exactly how I feel. I have and will continue to improve myself. This is one of the few things good that came from this mess. The other one is how well we meet each others needs now post A.

But with her…..I will always have that insecurity. I’m one of those people that look at facts. The fact is that it happened. It was real. Fantasy or not for her, it really happened. She really made a choice and she chose him. You can say fantasy…fog...make believe all day long but those words will never make it “un-happen”.

So with some other woman I can be confident and feel like number 1. But not with her…

So what do I do….Just got to move on and deal with it. We love each other and have young kids that we both love. That’s all that matters. Life’s not perfect. But this one is close for me so I’ll take it.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

I don't know what made the OM so attractive to my wife, maybe he was just that kind of man. He was a younger guy who steadily worked his way through her colleagues, single women, married and even a couple who each would be married within a few months. One of those two young women about to be married was taken for a ride by him and then cried on my wife's shoulder about the whole thing. 

Both of the engaged women got married, but my wife has basically said she approached the OM to chastise him for using the girls in the office. He of course then turned his attentions on her, how he was misunderstood, he only wanted to be with one woman, etc. My wife had her EA with him following his beginning to talk with her about "becoming a better man" and so on. She to this day insists she was just helping him not be a user, but of course he worked the whole time, several years, to make it a PA.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Lazarus said:


> As one poster said in another thread, protect the relationship/marriage from people that can damage it.
> 
> "Friends" that act like a Lotharo or influence your behaviour can be very toxic.
> 
> ...



i comment a lot about toxic friends, i sadly and at the same time blessedly have had one. but at 18/19/20 years old, and when you thought you knew the person...

it make a difference...maybe. and my EA's were nothing of a fantasy. we were all young, didnt go to college, and all worked mim-wage jobs. none of these guys were KISA. just guys.

i didnt want out of my LTR but i wanted everything to stop and go back to the way it was before...before what..?? dont remember to what time period i could have meant.

my husband was always a good guy...just inexperienced in a long term relationhip + a baby + a young women who had been told what to do, and every one had an idea of how i should live my life.

i made my husband my enemy. but this was in 97/98..so i am trying to figure out exactly how i was feeling, and what made this time period so bad.

we've had worse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Emotionly there is no competing, the attraction that some wayward have........affair down is just not worth the time to understand it, a FOG that is so thick its crazy.
But, call it self improvement or compitition, the deal I want to understand is why some BS don't take the bull by the horns and work on them selve with regard to the appearance/ attraction for them selves.

Granted this infidelity crap is one of the hardest things to go through and depressing as hell, but the wow as me , wow as me, pity party is so counter productive.

Again I'm in the mind set that my wife should have left me years ago but didn't and to hear about the BS that many have had to go through in regards to attraction is maddening.

I'm thinking the wayward found you attractive once and with the right changes they can find you attractive again ( under your terms of course)

So far as I'm reading all this it seems to come down to some screwed up spouses that didn't see what they had and stepped out not b/c of lack of attraction but a emotional need, but when they step back in they struggle with a physical attraction and the lack of sex that seems to never recindle.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The problem T_G is that some BS, present company included, are so utterly and completely devastated that they don't know up from down, left from right. It takes an exceptionally and emotionally strong person such as yourself, RWB and 8yearscheating to even consider reconciliation. The last thing on our minds is to improve ourselves to become attractive to anybody, least of all the person we though we could trust above all others.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

morituri said:


> The problem T_G is that some BS, present company included, are so utterly and completely devastated that they don't know up from down, left from right. It takes an exceptionally and emotionally strong person such as yourself, RWB and 8yearscheating to even consider reconciliation. The last thing on our minds is to improve ourselves to become attractive to anybody, least of all the person we though we could trust above all others.



i have to say though, as a guy, the first thing i focused on in terms of the OM, is the physical aspect.

it took a few months to get over the shock of everything. an all though i am still hoping for a chance of reconciliation, my wife is still infatuated with the OM. (though she claims to be seing things that are issues with her and shes working on herself)

anyway. after the initial shock, i lost 15 lbs. and got down to the weight ive been wanting to be for several years. after looking in the mirror one day, id realized what happened and though this was a good start to rebuilding my self. my main competition/motivation was obvious. i wanted to be better than him. in everyway, to show my wife shes crazy.

worked out alot...to the point that per my wifes words, i looked like "james bond" (the new one, where he comes out of the water...my wife loves that scene) i could see my abs. i could see the muscle growing on me.

and ive learned alot about the OM through, mainly, the OMX. he drinks alot. hes not in shape and actually has lost alot of unhealthy weight. hes balding. a "bubble boy" he gets injusried easily and calls into work sick all the time. so i used that in my workouts...mainly while hes probably sleeping for work, im working out. i have a whole bunch of mantras to get me going.


then i read (and my wife confirmed) that physical attraction is only 20-30% the equation. and my wife has much sad that he cant compare to me looks wise. 


so it really is all about the emotional aspects for women. my wife fears me moving on and getting a new girlfriend (she hasnt said exacty that, but i know)she knows im ready physically...


as well the one thing ive been reading to help build self confidence are books/podcasts from pick up artists. and its really about self confidence...i dont know whay but after listening to those, i feel like a billion dollars...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

elph,
Thanks for putting so much time into your reply, I sound like were cut from the same cloth. IDK if thats good or bad  but the appearence thing was a factor. Some of the OM were cops, her last one was convicts. so I hade that drive to work out.

Now I find out I could have continued to be a slob and just focused on being a better man for my self, emotionally speaking.

Morituri,
Spot on, accurate and to the point in what I'm looking for.
Thanks for sheding some light. 

RWB, 
Good to see your still around, you were one of the first to really give me a perspective in the beginning. If you remember your statement "so your W was just a booty call for you". That was very profound, and true.
It interesting how they think (wifes), I mean we can talk about it for days but it just so.............off the wall sometimes. I guess if you really want to understand a cheater you have to be a cheater. I'm not going down that road, I'd rather just not understand


WR
Here I'm back to square one, there is that 20%-30% that phsyical attraction has some revilence and there by the BS may want to do some self improvement in regards to this issue. Even if this border line compitition I still think its worth the effort to clean one self up, be it nice cloths and/or work out.


In general when we all tell the new guy/gal to work on them selves and focus on them selves, It my behooving to be more spacific when we tell these folks this. In the emotional aspect you would think it understood, but the phyisical aspect/ appearence aspect it may not be so assumed. Morituri made a good point, when we give these folks a pep talk or some motivation in there time of dier need, some direction should be given to the appeance aspect of getting through this cheat BS.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I don't know what she saw in him. I'm a good looking guy in decent shape. 6ft 175lb. He was tall but bald and fat. She said that he listened to her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Joe,
I'm realy getting a feel for what going on here. In some cases I see when it it is a affair down sitch. , and there is an emotional aspect and if a BS were to think in competing/ self improving then the BS would look at the emotional aspect and appearence would be nill. 

Thanks for sharing.

I also would think that a ONS vs. LTA also effects the apearence aspect. Even though my WW had down graded her ONS, then later learned she could up grade her ONS when she realized what she had. Again her self eestem showing through.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

the guy said:


> E- what if you are the first choice and the AP is the second choice?
> 
> Just thinking out side the box ( at least until the Chargers play @1:00
> 
> ...


that is an interesting perspective.

and i think that is the right one to have really.

as the spouse, its most obvious that were the first choice. thats why they married us. the OP/AP cant help by being the second choice. 

that said, when the tides turn, its extremely difficult.

i remember reading somewhere about how when the wife shifts her thinking to make the affair her primary relationship and the marriage becomes the second. 
before D-day things were relativly normal. after d-day, my wife started drying up, and i think it got to the point where she thought if she kissed me that it was cheating on her affair partner. despite the glaringly obvious problem with that line of thinking. shortly after she took off her ring and hasnt put it back on since. 

but back to the perspective. we are the first choice. and i think if we presented a situation for the marriage to be all that it could be and more the WS would come back and try to reconcile...once the fog/withdrawl has lifted.

there was a stat i read somewhere that mentioned how many WW eventually regretted their decision to have an affair, and were talking about the ones who got divorced and never went back for what ever reason to reconcile, even though they wanted to. as well as the ones that did reconcile. i dont remember the exact number, but it was quite high.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm back, I had a gig out in the desert and it was haot as hell for the guy that bangs nails. But its done and I'm home with Mrs. the guy and things will light up, Its been just 3 days so before I get in the shower and wash up, I figure I'd catch up before "duty calls".

elph,
Thanks for making the distinction between being the 1st and being the 2nd choice. In my case my WW was justing waiting around for me. Way back when ....I think it was RWB that was surprised my WW didn't leave me. It fact it amazes me to this day that she never found soemone else. A priority if you will.

You mentioned "when the AP becomes the piority" ....I never had that ughly priviledge, it always seemed like the marriage, well if you want to call it a marriage, back then...was the priority for her any way.

It seemed like when ever I would step up and play the roll as a husband then she was there. Only for a short time then I would go off anddo my thing and I think she would go off and occupy her time with OM's until I came back , emotionaly speaking.

So there it is again the emotional aspect that was more attractive then appereance and cleanlyness.

Right now, the wierd thing is after 3 day in the desert and as dirty as I am I could easyly climb into bed and emotional get her into doing what ever I wanted. But I bet the OM's were alot cleaner and smelled alot better, so I think I jump in the bath throw some colgne on and then make my moves.

Is this competing ( she's been straight ...NC for 19 months) or self improving? back in the day it would have been hard sex then clean up but I think she loves the new me, the guy who cares more about her and her sense of smell


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TheGuy--stop comparing yourself to OM. "I bet OM's were a lot cleaner and smelled a lot better." 

F the other man! She is with you. 

I wish more people answered in this thread but anywhoo, the point is, TG, affairs aren't REAL relationships.........they are based on a fraud and lying and only the good googlyl things at the beginning of a relationship. Which is why they don't last. That never gets sustained over time!


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> TheGuy--stop comparing yourself to OM. "I bet OM's were a lot cleaner and smelled a lot better."
> 
> F the other man! She is with you.
> 
> I wish more people answered in this thread but anywhoo, the point is, TG, affairs aren't REAL relationships.........they are based on a fraud and lying and only the good googlyl things at the beginning of a relationship. Which is why they don't last. That never gets sustained over time!




thats something i keep telling myself...as well as most affairs die a natural death with in two years...i just wish it would happen so my wife can go through the withdrawl phase.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

oh i wanted to add something to this whole attractiveness thing.


my wifes birthday was tuesday, but monday night i believe the OM took her out to dinner. and im pretty sure they went somewhere casual.

how do i know. 

well the OMex told me when she picked up the kids that he was "dressed up" (he wears a uniform to work and is tshirt/jeans otherwise)

i asked her what do you mean by dressed up?

she said he was wearing a patterned camp shirt (short sleeve button up, untucked) ****ies, and sketchers.

i just about died laughing. i told this to my therapist who is italian (with a beautiful accent to boot, think monica bellucci, in looks too)
she laughed as well. i said that at bare minimum id have worn a suit and dressed nice for her because it was her birthday and thats the respectful thing to do, unless your going swimming. but especially to dinner. 

i mean really. thats dressed up to him. 

i know people have their own sense of style, but to me, dressing well and dressing to your audience is important. now more than ever. and at his best he wears the kohl's special....come on.

id have to believe my wife had to be dissappointed coming from me. its just a blatant step down.

and am i being ****y, yeah why not. but i take pride in presenting "bella figura"

and he pulls out what ever is clean.


hahaahhaahahahhaha......sorry, i just had to air that out


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> Joe,
> I'm realy getting a feel for what going on here. In some cases I see when it it is a affair down sitch. , and there is an emotional aspect and if a BS were to think in competing/ self improving then the BS would look at the emotional aspect and appearence would be nill.
> 
> Thanks for sharing.
> ...


Here is the rub though. I read alot of their conversations (Yahoo messenger has very through archives) . The man was an ass. I mean I am capable of being the level of d*ckhead he was but only if provoked. He talked to her like she was crap and she just kept going back for more. He started out sweet but turned quickly. She claims I'm wrong but I think he dumped her and I'm steady Eddie so why not run back to me? Sorry for the thread jack, this has just been on my mind as of late. Pride kicking me in the ass.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jellybeans,
I was not really comparing me and the OM's, there were way to many of them to go down that road. The thing that made me start this thread was the threads that I read about LS struggling with the DS not finding them attractive during R and the whole low self esteem issue that comes with being scewed over by having your spouse sleep with someone else, and doing something to makes your self more attractive.


Granted, 20 months ago I felt compelled to compete but never compared...if that makes sense.
What I have found that irregardless, its all about self improvement not so much competeing with the apperence aspect.

The fact in comparing myself with OM's is like comparing me the devil with an angel. Kind of like if you don't care about your wife someone else will. Thats what happened in my case...I didn't care about her so she found someone else that did care about her, at least for the night.
I did how ever, felt the need to clean up a pit.

Joe, 
Again in my case I was the @ss that W lived with for years, Alls it took was the OM to start going down that road of "@ss/meanness that my W lived with day in and day out with me, it was a matter of second that the OM would be old news and on to the next OM if he thought he could play that game.

There its again, the OM being second choice.

Thinking about it, my WW wanted someone completely different then me, slow soft sex, someone that listened, someone that was nice and kind. 

I really believe I could have stayed a slob, alls I needed to do was stop being so emotionaly abusive.


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