# Purchases in a marriage and financial bullying



## Guest (May 19, 2021)

My other have makes more money, double plus some, than I make. We both work full time. We were considering a small purchase for our house...under$500...but when I came up with alternatives to what he wanted and presented them to him (intending to reach a comprimise) he started yelling asking why I didn't even bother to look at the item he wanted ( I didn't look at it because it was a style/type I did not care for and it was much more expensive and I told him that in the begining) and continued yelling that because he makes more money he should be the one who gets to choose what we get. I'm educated and I have a good job I put my complete check in our joint account. I am extremely angry over this and find this abusive. This isn't the first time he's tried to control our purchases. Been married over 20 years. Is this abuse or am I too sensitive?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

JustaMinion said:


> My other have makes more money, double plus some, than I make. We both work full time. We were considering a small purchase for our house...under$500...but when I came up with alternatives to what he wanted and presented them to him (intending to reach a comprimise) he started yelling asking why I didn't even bother to look at the item he wanted ( I didn't look at it because it was a style/type I did not care for and it was much more expensive and I told him that in the begining) and continued yelling that because he makes more money he should be the one who gets to choose what we get. I'm educated and I have a good job I put my complete check in our joint account. I am extremely angry over this and find this abusive. This isn't the first time he's tried to control our purchases. Been married over 20 years. Is this abuse or am I too sensitive?


Well, how controlling are YOU trying to be? You wouldn't even _look_ at the item because it wasn't what you wanted. Did you compromise on the budget? Are you compromising on the style? It goes both ways. 

You said this isn't the first time he's tried to control purchases. Does he always try to control purchases, or just sometimes?


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## Guest (May 20, 2021)

I'm open to compromise on any aspect of the purchase. When he doesn't like a certain aspect of an item and is objecting it I respect that and I back off of it and consider something else. I feel like I don't get an opportunity to object to something but when he does it's perfectly fine. So basically, I don't get a choice. How is that fair? The thing I am objecting to is regarding the functionality of the item and how that affects me when I use it.


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## Guest (May 20, 2021)

Does that really give a person the right to start yelling at the other person? You could just say...I don't like those ideas or he could ask me why I don't want to look at it instead of yelling.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk in this area. And it doesn’t sound like he’s being an effective leader for your marriage. It sounds like he’s trying to wield financial authority based solely on his earning level, rather than sound, dependable leadership in the relationship. Not a good approach.

Yelling is also usually not a good approach - but there is a big difference between raising one’s voice in frustration, and attacking/ berating/ demeaning someone. The latter is abusive, the former is not.

At the same time, you may also be overly sensitive, your choice of words (abusive, financial bullying) are a bit hyperbolic. And the term financial bullying - just, don’t.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Certainly he could have told you in a better way he felt hurt and disrespected because he asked you to look at/buy something and you ignored his wishes and did your own thing. 

He went about showing his feelings badly, reacted badly. 

Why didn’t you both go together, look together and make the decision together? If you can’t come to an agreement, walk away and come back to it fresh, then you can make a purchase that keeps both of you happy.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

To some extent, he's bullying you. You and he should learn about managing money from Dave Ramsey. Money is only one of many contributions to a marriage. Does he do 2/3 of the housework? Does he do 2/3 of the laundry? Does he do 2/3 of every responsibility? If not, then making 2/3 of the money doesn't entitle him to anything. 

Tell him since you have 100% of the vaginas in the family, only you will decide how it is "spent". 









A Proven Plan for Financial Success | RamseySolutions.com


Learn to budget, beat debt, save and invest with Ramsey Solutions, founded by Dave Ramsey, bestselling author, radio host and America’s trusted voice on money.




www.daveramsey.com


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

What are we talking about here? It's less than $500 -- is that going to break the bank? Can you let him buy the one he wants, for him, and then you go buy another one in the style that you want, for you? I understand for some, perhaps many, that would be extravagant -- but maybe it's a solution?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Is that always his reaction? If this was a a 1 time thing, what else is going on with him? 

For such a small purchase why did it have to be a joint decision? 

I tend to be opinionated. DH & I were recently in the market for a new car. It would be the one he would primarily drive. He picked out what he wanted. He test drove some other things at my suggestion & followed my recommendation about cylinders but in the end he bought what he wanted even though I told him I hated the interior colors. It's his car & I'm happy he's happy with the purchase. 

If you always feel bullied that is a deeper issue


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well you made it to 28 years. I take it the neighborhood _woman of questionable character_ is no longer in the picture? I also see that your savings account is no longer building. That, I think, has the most to do with your current question. 2 years ago you were saving a part of your income, and that gave you a sense of control in your life. From your current post It seems that the account and the control are gone. I really think you could handle the $500 purchase better if you still had the savings and the sense of control that brought. 

My fear is that the reason you don't have that savings account is because he bullied you into giving it up and " put(ing) my complete check in our joint account". You need to stop doing that. 

My wife and I have separate savings accounts. We know that the money belongs to both of us. And whenever she is about to make a big ($500 ish) purchase. I ask if she wants me to transfer money to her. We don't bank our money together but we do have open knowledge about the accounts and balances. 

I guess what I'm saying is that I believe in financial intimacy. Shared assets, No secret accounts, No secret debt (especially). But at our age and health we like to keep money that is available without any question, in case of emergency. We also have financial independence. We can spend $500 if we need new tires, or something for the house. 

The other bone I see in this fight is him daring to decorate your space. I can easily see him (or me) making that mistake. I guess there are 2 questions:
1) is it really your space?
2) Is this the hill to die on?


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## Guest (May 20, 2021)

Thanks for all the responses. I do 90% of the work in and around our house, laundry, mopping vacuuming, dishes, cooking, bill paying, most of the groceries, I pick up the poop in the yard from our dogs..most of which are his, I weed around our landscaping, do the edging, replace plants when they die, feed the dogs walk the dogs...which is also for exercise, I host every Christmas party for his family and they don't ever host one themselves. He mows the lawn clears the driveway of snow and takes out the garbage.
I wasn't quite sure if you could consider this financial bullying as he doesn't keep the finances locked away.

I'm going to let the situation die down and pull back on the issue..if he wants to buy the item for himself thats fine ...but I will purchasing something different with my own money and that will be more comfortable for me.

Problem is too, he looked at this with his mom...I had other commitments and could not go with them. He has an unusually close relationship with her...an inappropriate one for his age..its too close and too intrusive and I can't help wondering if that has something to do with his reaction.


Mr. Nail said:


> Well you made it to 28 years. I take it the neighborhood _woman of questionable character_ is no longer in the picture? I also see that your savings account is no longer building. That, I think, has the most to do with your current question. 2 years ago you were saving a part of your income, and that gave you a sense of control in your life. From your current post It seems that the account and the control are gone. I really think you could handle the $500 purchase better if you still had the savings and the sense of control that brought.
> 
> My fear is that the reason you don't have that savings account is because he bullied you into giving it up and " put(ing) my complete check in our joint account". You need to stop doing that.
> 
> ...


I still have the accounts and yes they are still building I did borrow some to help replace a door that was costly but I am paying myself back each month.

He acts this way on 80% of the purchases. I never get involved when he is buying a new car..he knows what he wants and sticks within the budget..BUT, when I need a new car I can only buy domestic..one brand in particular. We needed a new mattress..I went along with it cuz I wasn't for sure that I wouldn't like it...I wanted to at least try...well my back hurts pretty bad when I sleep on it ...so now I sleep in the spare room which I think of as my girl cave. 
The neighborhood tramp is still living here but that did cool down..until last weekend, a day after this argument when he went hustling over there for something.
Did I mention he has always displayed narcisstic tendencies...even before being married ...I just didn't figure it out until like 5 years ago.


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## Guest (May 20, 2021)

I should say he only allows me to buy one brand of car. Nearly every cooperative purchase we make erupts into an argument...it seems that if I like what he does from the start it's ok. At least thats what it seems like....maybe my approach to these decisions are just not compatable with his personality.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I just wouldn't have lasted long in your situation, I'm so sorry you feel you need to. I wouldn't have gotten upset over a $500 item that he wanted, but he'd best keep hands off when I picked my new car.


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## Guest (May 21, 2021)

I just didn't want to spend that much ..I was just to looking at other options and to see what he thought of them...I was not confrontational...just informational and he went off the rails at my suggestions...I just stopped the convo and said ok we aren't talking about this anymore...a therapist told me when he gets beligerant to just walk away from him and go in another room...and I did.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Deleted member 338205 said:


> My other have makes more money, double plus some, than I make. We both work full time. We were considering a small purchase for our house...under$500...but when I came up with alternatives to what he wanted and presented them to him (intending to reach a comprimise) he started yelling asking why I didn't even bother to look at the item he wanted ( I didn't look at it because it was a style/type I did not care for and it was much more expensive and I told him that in the begining) and continued yelling that because he makes more money he should be the one who gets to choose what we get. I'm educated and I have a good job I put my complete check in our joint account. I am extremely angry over this and find this abusive. This isn't the first time he's tried to control our purchases. Been married over 20 years. Is this abuse or am I too sensitive?


You should've explained to him "Honey, you know I am not a huge fan of this style" "How about this one....?" Why not look at things together online and decide? Him telling you something in context is "I am making more money, therefore I should be the one deciding" telling me that he wants to control you! Are you ready to be his slave and not have your say in that relationship? I'd suggest to sit down and talk. If he'll continue to remind you how he makes more money than you, then there's a problem and probably has been a problem for a while...
Good luck!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Its not abuse but self-centeredness. You should give in.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat has a nose for this type of thing. "A Zombie thread! This must be closed down!" Actually, what he said was: "Meow! Meow, meow, prtttt, meow!" But I'm sure you know what he meant.


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