# Relationship revelation, how does this work?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

A comment from my OH has really thrown my "understanding" of our relationship...

OH was talking about a particular fantasy-type thing he is into at the moment which involves being blindfolded and me doing stuff to him. I teasingly said to him, "so you like the idea of being dominated then?"

He sat back with a thoughtful look on his face. "I don't know," he said, after a minute. He talked about how maybe because he felt like he was in charge of everything else, it's a nice idea to not have to be in that scenario.

"Do you feel like you are in charge of everything?" asked I, intrigued. And basically, he said yes. We have been discussing this more, and his feeling is that when it comes to our relationship and family, he feels he is the head of the household. He joked that I like him to be in charge (in ALL ways.) He said I would not make a decision on anything to do with the house without asking him first.

Wow. That is SO not my take on things at all. I came back with my more general feeling which is I am the planner and he is the "executor." I am the one who is the MD, if you like, I sort out and organise what needs doing, and he is the one who makes it happen. I do involve him in household decisions but only because I feel it is respectful to consult him about major stuff.

He said I like to be dominated in the bedroom, and that he is the one who takes the lead. Again, not my take at all. I have always felt we are very evenly matched on that score, and happily so.

I feel quite surprised; his thoughts are all a revelation to me. I honestly can't work out why he feels he is in charge yet I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to the everyday stuff and he NEVER has to deal with any of that.

And- I have to say it- I HATE the thought of a) having a man in charge of me, and b) having a man FEEL he's in charge of me. It implies to me that I am a lesser person and somehow less intelligent, less capable of making decisions.

I highly suspect my feelings have a lot to do with certain things that have happened in my past. I suppose I have realised the happy relationship dynamic I THOUGHT we had is still happy, but it isn't the same dynamic my OH sees, and I'm not sure what I do with this revelation.

Does it matter that he thinks he's in charge? That he feels he's in charge? Is it important that I don't like that, or does it not matter? I mean, nothing that we DO has actually changed from this, just my understanding on how we both see it working.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I think you may be confusing a dominant man with a dominating man. Personally... just saing.. I sure as hell don't want to be dominated, but I do want a man who will take charge and be able to say what it wants when he wants so to say. I want him to be the one to pick where we go, I want him to just say "this is what we are going to do", and I want him to have a voice. Now perhaps I am overstating because my current possible SO has issues with using his voice that may go back to a long, bad marriage, but I want him to stop worrying what reaction his voice will have everytime, because all that means is that he fails to say much of anything about his side of things. He also NEVER just say "we are doing this" it is always, I mean ALWAYS... "Well what's good for you" which leaves it ALWAYS on me. Now I am a single mom who is making the decisions ALL day, non stop on every detail, so DAMN MAN your turn!!! LOL 

I want a take charge man, who won't over do it and become a dominating man.. I guess that is a fine line to walk but hey, I know what I want at least HAHA


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Just to be clear. To dominate and lead in bed doesn't mean that the other does nothing. It just means that he feels he decides the course of how it goes. If you give him a BJ in the meantime, moan crazily and often go on top, he could still be dominant. He could be the one who changes course and subtly makes you do those things.

As for the other aspects. You filling in the details could still feel to him as if he has to decide everything. You ask him for his opinion so he feels he has to put a stamp of approval on your decisions.

It is all about how you perceive it.

But uhm, don't fret about it. He is not dominating and abusing you. He may or may not be dominant, but you are still attracted to him and he treats you well, so there is a balance there. Who cares how you two view the small things. Accept it and live your life.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

tobio said:


> Does it matter that he thinks he's in charge? That he feels he's in charge? Is it important that I don't like that, or does it not matter? I mean, nothing that we DO has actually changed from this, just my understanding on how we both see it working.


Of course it matters if you don't like it....but as you mentioned you think that uncomfortable feeling might come from something in your past. So it's kind of not fair to transfer that hurt or feeling of loss of control on to your hubby - especially if you were okay with how things seemed to be going before you found out. 

I'm thinking that maybe it would be good for you if you delt with feeling from the past so you can move on from it - then you'll be able to see more clearly where your hubby is coming from. And if you are still not comfortable with it then set about changing what needs to be changed.

He's not hurting you at the moment - you are by holding him accountable for something he had nothing to do with.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

For starters, my mum is a strong woman and I have turned out with a lot of her values. She has always been strong and pushed me and my sisters to be able to achieve anything we want and to value ourselves and be assertive within relationships.

I was very self-sufficient when I met OH. Previous boyfriends have all said they thought I was very independent. I had a job and took care of my two children from my previous relationship by myself. In that relationship I very much ran the show because I had to, day to day, but our lives were effectively controlled by his selfish actions and looking back, I hated the power he held over us.

I don't like the idea of him being dominant as to me that is relinquishing control of my life to someone else. I also just find it, well, bizarre really that he perceives himself as being dominant when I feel like I make most of the decisions, and I HATE the thought of him feeling he's dominant in bed, like the example Draguna said. That makes me really uncomfortable.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Before you found out your OH's perception on things - did you feel like he was dominating and controlling?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Not dominating or controlling, no. Habitually stubborn yes, but not sure that's the same thing!

I can't explain why, because I'm not sure myself, but I am really uncomfortable with his thoughts that he is dominant in bed. Like Draguna said, I know it's only perception at the end of the day, but I genuinely perceived things as being fairly equal, we both initiate, we both give things we know the other will like, we often talk about things we would like to do and give feedback on certain stuff. I never felt he steered things, but this is something he said today, he felt that he was the one who decided what direction things went in.

And everywhere else, I feel like *I* run the show. With this, I think he is only seeing the things he is involved with. For example, with the kids, it is me who sorts everything out for them, the thought wouldn't cross his mind. I handle the finances, because I like doing it, and because he openly admits he is terrible with money. I get him to "do" a lot of stuff, but this is stuff he wouldn't do otherwise because it simply wouldn't cross his mind, and it's easier for him to do it than me.

Hmm...


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

tobio said:


> Not dominating or controlling, no. Habitually stubborn yes, but not sure that's the same thing!
> 
> I can't explain why, because I'm not sure myself, but I am really uncomfortable with his thoughts that he is dominant in bed. Like Draguna said, I know it's only perception at the end of the day, but I genuinely perceived things as being fairly equal, we both initiate, we both give things we know the other will like, we often talk about things we would like to do and give feedback on certain stuff. I never felt he steered things, but this is something he said today, he felt that he was the one who decided what direction things went in.


What Draguna said. Additionally at the end of the day you don't define how he perceives himself sexually. Only he can define how he perceives himself sexually. If that's how he sees himself, what can you do about it beyond putting some boundaries concerning certain dominating behaviors in bed, such as harder, more painful spanking or bondage?

Also, maybe it's a question of him perceiving himself as dominant in bed, because that is how he thinks a man should be like. Thus his own self-definition.



> And everywhere else, I feel like *I* run the show. With this, I think he is only seeing the things he is involved with. For example, with the kids, it is me who sorts everything out for them, the thought wouldn't cross his mind. I handle the finances, because I like doing it, and because he openly admits he is terrible with money. I get him to "do" a lot of stuff, but this is stuff he wouldn't do otherwise because it simply wouldn't cross his mind, and it's easier for him to do it than me.
> 
> Hmm...


In some cultures (or according to certain passed-down family values and styles of upbringing), a man is still supposed to be the head of the house. Whether it's actually true or not, that doesn't matter. All that matters is this perception or keeping up that appearance. Yes, it matters to some men, even if it's just keeping up the appearances.

So.. he may not run the house and he may not make all the decisions (instead of that, you do all of it) but he still may view it that this should be his responsibility - just because he is a man. Thus the self-definition.

Bottom line.. he may think he is/should be dominant, whereas in actuality you know you are the dominant one... and it doesn't really matter in day to day things, because everything in your relationship runs smoothly... allow him to continue believing it


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

tobio said:


> I can't explain why, because I'm not sure myself, but I am really uncomfortable with his thoughts that he is dominant in bed. Like Draguna said, I know it's only perception at the end of the day, but I genuinely perceived things as being fairly equal, we both initiate, we both give things we know the other will like, we often talk about things we would like to do and give feedback on certain stuff. I never felt he steered things, but this is something he said today, he felt that he was the one who decided what direction things went in.


Ahhhh....okay, I get where you are coming from now (took me a bit but I got there ). 

So maybe next time you are having sex, when/if he guides you toward something you could take back control by not moving on to it and deciding to do something equally as pleasurable for you both. Would that help?


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

I agree with what the ladies above me posted. 

To be honest, I really don't care who leads in our relationship. As long as my needs are met and I can fulfill hers, I don't care one iota.

But if this is something which is really bothering you, even if it is only perception, you could try addressing it with your husband. Or do as surfergirl said.

However, if you feel everything is equal and he likes thinking he has to decide stuff, why not let him think that. He feels good about himself and you feel good that you know you are giving him joy and things are actually equal.

That and you could take a bit more active role in the stuff you feel he (thinks he) is active in.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

If you agree that he is the executioner, the one that makes things happen, then that is why he feels he's in charge.

I run things at my home, but if something comes up that I need help with I know I can call on him. He is more than capable of being in charge, but leaves it to me.

I do not feel inferior in any way. We both come together as a team to make it work. I am thankful I have a strong man I can rely on if I need him to step up.

Perhaps he doesn't feel he is in charge of YOU, but of his life which you are a part of.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Professional S&M Dominatrixes report that most of their clients are highly successful, CEO types. They resent having to be "in charge" at all hours, and want someone else to be in control.
I'm not into S&M myself, but I would love it if my W "took charge".


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

tobio said:


> A comment from my OH has really thrown my "understanding" of our relationship...
> 
> OH was talking about a particular fantasy-type thing he is into at the moment which involves being blindfolded and me doing stuff to him. I teasingly said to him, "so you like the idea of being dominated then?"
> 
> ...


We all experience what goes on around us in our own very unique way. It’s called “subjective experience”. When two people experience the exact things so very differently it’s very much like two alternate realities.

But the two people actually fundamentally believe their own very different subjective interpretation of events and situations. So much so that each may believe the other is totally and utterly deluded.

Bob


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