# So unhappy, but fearful to rock the boat in any way



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

my husband often reacts childishly when he perceives he is being criticized and I am really afraid that if I suggest I am unhappy, we will end up divorced. I don't want to go through a divorce... I don't want to put my kids thorough a divorce. It would be brutal financially and in so many other ways. I am afraid if I say anything, I will start a process I cannot stop... but I also on the other hand feel like I deserve better than this. Am I making ANY sense at all?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You don't want a divorce. You talk about your kids and finances. You say other ways as well. But you don't say that you love your husband.

Maybe your husband is hearing the same thing. Maybe he isn't feeling loved and isn't happy either and this is causing him to react childishly.

You only live once. It would be a pretty lonely and sad experience to spend your life with someone you don't love.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> You don't want a divorce. You talk about your kids and finances. You say other ways as well. But you don't say that you love your husband.
> 
> Maybe your husband is hearing the same thing. Maybe he isn't feeling loved and isn't happy either and this is causing him to react childishly.
> 
> You only live once. It would be a pretty lonely and sad experience to spend your life with someone you don't love.


I do love him, but it won't stay that way if he keeps being so miserable and distant. I have tried to love him, but he keeps pushing me away. He doesn't go anywhere with me, he doesn't do anything with me-- and yes I ask all the time. He barely even communicates with me. I desperately want this to change, but I don't know how. The last time I tried to approach something... he acted childishly and still is. 

He had gotten into this habit of sort of accosting me when I was changing etc. Like... sorry for the graphic, but you HAVE to understand to get what I am talking about--- anyway, he would rush in and GRAB both my nipples and squeeze and twist and tell me how much he LOVED them. Well, I am glad he loves them and finds them attractive, but man that HURT. I tried to tell him it hurt several times and he just told me I was being a wuss and to get over it. It got to the point where I'd avoid changing in front of him because it really did hurt. So, he was complaining that he is always showing ME how attractive he thinks I am (by doing the nipple thing) and wanted to know why that didn't turn me on, and I tried to tell him that I didn't LIKE it, it hurt and that I'd love him to show me in a gentler way that felt good to me and that would turn me on. So instead of trying, he just stopped touching me at all.. as a matter of fact, he stopped hugging me, kissing me, or even snuggling with me in bed... this was a year and a half ago.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So you rather stay unhappy and not voice any concerns and placate him just so he stays happy while you are miserable? 

Good luck.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So you rather stay unhappy and not voice any concerns and placate him just so he stays happy while you are miserable?
> 
> Good luck.


I fear the grass won't be greener... I fear rather than take what I am saying and attempting to fix the marriage, he will again act childish, and say never mind let's get a divorce. And I don't know if that is worth it or not. He clearly ISN'T happy...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok. So if the grass won't be greener, then you either tolerate living in a way to where he gets all his needs met and you squash any/all of your concerns in order tno to "upset" him or you tell him how you feel and he will work with you to meet you halfway.

So... your choice.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I know... but I guess I am not ready to face the reality of divorce if he doesn't try... I don't want to destroy my family. I guess maybe sometimes I wonder if I am just being unreasonable... unrealistic. 

In the past, every time I have tried to bring up anything, he puts the blame on me, and I guess maybe he has conditioned me to believe it is my fault.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It' snot unreasonable and unrealistic to feel hurt because someone is brushing you off. 

In essence, you are saying you rather stay with the status quo and have the titled of being "married" because the reality of anything else (divorce) seems worse. 

Him blaming you for everything is counter-productive and won't resolve anything. WHile I am sure that has done a number on how you deal with him, you are responsible for how you react to him. 

Just seems like you take it in order to keep things on an even keel with him, to not disappoint him, to avoid any sort of conflict. It sounds co-dependent. 

Have you offered going to marriage counselling?


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You are making complete sense. Problem is, he is displaying traits that make it really hard to work on the marriage in a positive way. Its either your fault or divorce. No other options. The way he shows you how much he loves your body sounds even passive aggressive.

In a addition to the world of hurt that divorce causes, you also have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. I do think it is a great attribute in you that you don't want to risk doing something that you might later consider selfish, like divorce. I just don't know what options you have when he is so quick to throw it out. Would it help if you start by talking firmly about this? Tell him that if he thows it out again, then you will take it with 100% validity, and will expect him to follow it up with a visit to the lawyer? I'm not sure of the logic of this, but it is your biggest obstacle to getting improvement.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Halien said:


> You are making complete sense. Problem is, he is displaying traits that make it really hard to work on the marriage in a positive way. Its either your fault or divorce. No other options. The way he shows you how much he loves your body sounds even passive aggressive.
> 
> In a addition to the world of hurt that divorce causes, you also have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. I do think it is a great attribute in you that you don't want to risk doing something that you might later consider selfish, like divorce. I just don't know what options you have when he is so quick to throw it out. Would it help if you start by talking firmly about this? Tell him that if he thows it out again, then you will take it with 100% validity, and will expect him to follow it up with a visit to the lawyer? I'm not sure of the logic of this, but it is your biggest obstacle to getting improvement.



He hasn't suggested divorce, I am just afraid he might. It is just that I have rarely been able to have a real discussion with him about my feelings without him acting like a petulant child about it or turning it into me being unreasonable. For example, if I tell him that I worry if he is away and doesn't communicate with me if he is really late compared to what he said (like when he is out on his motorcyle and its HOURS passed when he said he was coming home) he turns it on me and says something like 'stop being a controlling nag'-- it isn't about control or nagging, it is about being considerate... I mean geesh, I am worried when he is on his motorcycle -- accidents happen alot.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lisa, I hate to suggest it, but, do you think he's having an affair? Has he always treated you this way, or just lately?

Also, have you offered marriage counselling??? 

One person alone cannot maintain a marriage. It takes two.



Halien said:


> You are making complete sense. Problem is, he is displaying traits that make it really hard to work on the marriage in a positive way. Its either your fault or divorce. No other options.


I agree.




lisa3girls said:


> He hasn't suggested divorce, *I am just afraid he might.* It is just that I have rarely been able to have a real discussion with him about my feelings without him acting like a petulant child about it or turning it into me being unreasonable.


Fear seems to be ruling a lot of what you do and don't do. You fear speaking up about your concerns will cause rifts, upset him, make him treat you worse. You fear he will suggest divorce cause you can't imagine anything worse. You fear a lot. So you sit idly by, while he calls all the shots. And anytime you bring up concerns, they don't matter, or rather, you feel they don't matter enough to bring up.

Sounds like hell.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It' snot unreasonable and unrealistic to feel hurt because someone is brushing you off.
> 
> In essence, you are saying you rather stay with the status quo and have the titled of being "married" because the reality of anything else (divorce) seems worse.
> 
> ...


Yes, I do try to keep the peace. I sometimes have a knot in my stomach when I am on the way home, wondering what won't be right when I get there... the kids pissed him off, or I was late... example, the other night I came from my job, went to the ice rink to pick up youngest daughter and before I left texted him that I was on way with daughter... halfway through ride, he texts me to pick up other daughter please... fine, no problem. On way to pick up other daughter, skating daughter is looking at her planner for school and realizes she needs an additional small notebook for the next day.. so we make a quick stop at drug store on the way to grab one. When I get back, I get a pissy husband because apparently I took too long. It isn't like I stopped at the bar for a drink (like he would). Seriously, why is this a big deal? I was like 20 minutes later than I'd estimated... mostly because when I first said my estimate it was BEFORE I knew he wanted me to get 2nd daughter and the stop at drug store.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Yes, I do try to keep the peace. *I sometimes have a knot in my stomach when I am on the way home, wondering what won't be right when I get there... the kids pissed him off, or I was late*...


Yeah. You are in a one-sided relationship. Full of double standards. How fun. When you have to walk on eggshells in order to make him happy or for FEAR of what he will say/do/what will greet you when you get home, yu have a very unhealthy relationship.

Re: the pharmacy--let him pout. You went to the drugstore, not a bar, like you said. Tell him that. Don't feed into his BS.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Lisa, I hate to suggest it, but, do you think he's having an affair? Has he always treated you this way, or just lately?
> 
> Also, have you offered marriage counselling???
> 
> ...


Or he turns it to be about him... by saying something childish like 'of course I am always wrong, nobody cares about my thoughts and feelings' which is the biggest joke on earth since me and the girls spend tons of time anticipating what will annoy him and trying to avoid it. Somehow he has me actually believing it is my fault. But even though I have made many concessions, it isn't changing his bad attitude, so now I am getting more and more sad and frustrated. I don't know, he could be having an affair... sometimes I think he stays with me only because he cannot afford to leave financially.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah. You are in a one-sided relationship. Full of double standards. How fun. When you have to walk on eggshells in order to make him happy or for FEAR of what he will say/do/what will greet you when you get home, yu have a very unhealthy relationship.
> 
> Re: the pharmacy--let him pout. You went to the drugstore, not a bar, like you said. Tell him that. Don't feed into his BS.


It is funny you should say that... in my mind I often think he is the king of double standards. I did let him pout, I said to him, what the hell, I went to pick up all the kids and then to the drug store to get school supplies... pardon me for doing what needed to be done.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So stop thinking it's all your fault. It isn't. You responsible for your half of the marriage. He is responsible for his side.

Stop feeding into him.

So...what are you going to do??


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So stop thinking it's all your fault. It isn't. You responsible for your half of the marriage. He is responsible for his side.
> 
> Stop feeding into him.
> 
> So...what are you going to do??


I don't know.... I need to talk to him. I need him to understand how hurt I am. I just don't know how to approach it... I want to have a chance of it being a productive conversation. For me, I need to feel like I did everything I possibly could from my side.


----------



## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

_It might take a lot of convincing him that when you say you're unhappy that it doesn't mean that you want a divorce but I think all that effort is worth it rather than you just keeping your feelings to yourself. It's going to hurt you in the end and continue to make you unhappy, possibly even to the point of depression. When parents are unhappy, children are very perceptive and can pick up on that vibe. That, in turn, will make them start feeling sad. Coming from a family who has parents that were unhappy and potentially depressed, I know that it significantly effected and impacted my mood and quality of life. I wasn't happy because I could tell my mom or dad or both weren't which made me sad and unhappy. Do youself and your children a favor by expressing how you feel to your husband. It is not fair to "protect" him just because he has a childish mentality. You shouldn't have to suffer because you are walking on eggshells around him. Thoroughly explain to him, in as many ways as it takes, that in making the statement that you're not happy doesn't equate to you wanting to divorce. It means that you care enough to tell him about it and want to work on the problem so that the marriage can continue, not end. Hope this helps!_


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> my husband often reacts childishly when he perceives he is being criticized and I am really afraid that if I suggest I am unhappy, we will end up divorced.


I completely misread what you were saying by this quote. I thought you were suggesting that he would push divorce if you cornered him about the issues. Sorry.

Regardless, you don't feel like you have choices other than endure or divorce. Powerlessness kills the spirit, though. Maybe he does need the wakeup call of talking about consequences. He can determine the fate of the marriage, if you adamantly declare that this current state is unnacceptable, and the decision rests in his hands. You can do this while letting him know that your preference is to stay married to him.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Or he turns it to be about him... by saying something childish like 'of course I am always wrong, nobody cares about my thoughts and feelings' which is the biggest joke on earth since me and the girls spend tons of time anticipating what will annoy him and trying to avoid it. Somehow he has me actually believing it is my fault. But even though I have made many concessions, it isn't changing his bad attitude, so now I am getting more and more sad and frustrated. I don't know, he could be having an affair... sometimes I think he stays with me only because he cannot afford to leave financially.


I really feel for you and your situation. (((HUGS)))

Go get this book and start reading it: Amazon.com: How to Know If It's Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage (9781402766435): Dr. Lawrence Birnbach, Dr. Beverly Hyman: Books

Fear is something that holds many people in situations that aren't healthy for them. It is binding you right now, and it could also be holding your husband where he is at because as you said he cannot afford to leave financially (and what a blow to a man's ego that would be, I think).

"_He who fears something gives it power over him_." ~Moorish Proverb

You can take back the power in your own life by reining in your fear, and when you do, you may be surprised to find a clearer path ahead of you.

Best Wishes.


----------

