# emotional online affair



## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

I need some advice, I suspect my wife is having an emtional online affair. Earlier in the year she had reconnected with and ex-boyfriend from highschool. She has been flirting with him cuz unfortunately that is her personality, she is closer to guy friends than girl friends. She keep telling me" we are JUST friends." In the past year I have noticed her decline in intamacy. I brought that to her attention time and time again, and she keeps telling my "why are you always making me change? She still has not changed, but I have given up on trying to get her more intamate. She keeps saying "why do you always make me out to be the bad guy?" So I feel guilty about the whole argument, she says i am jealous and need to fix that. She also get real defensive when I ask her to express her feelings, like I am up to something. Al we talk about is work, that lasts for about 10 mins. Then the room goes quiet, when that happens, she tends to ignore me, I just feel so "disconnected" in our relationship. Recently we decided to start researching the adoption process. My wife stated that she thinks I will never decide to adopt. Bue to the fact that I wanted to finish my degree, (which was complete in Oct) and get my National certification last month, She said I "keep putting it off on to the back burner." She even stated that she concidered leaving me a couple of months ago. But didn't becasue "then she will be twice divorced and a single it is harder to adopt." Well her conversations with this friend have now become more secretive, and more frequent. She only uses the computer when I am not home or asleep, Her iphone and her blackberry are cleared constantly, never answered the phone in front of me... and the last thing is that she texts and igonres me when I ask, and also ignore me when she is having a texting conversation. I have tried recommended councelling and it was like it fell on deaf ears. I just need some opinions and advice.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Definitely an online affair going on. How far away is the ex-bf? That will be the next step - a physical affair.

So are you going to sit back and wait? What are you going to do about it?

I feel you should consider setting some boundaries with her. And if she crosses a boundry (ex: talking with an ex-bf), you must be willing to back it up by taking action. Don't set a boundry if you're not going to back it up with action.

Don't be a victim. Take the lead and make something happen.


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

The ex-bf was a rebound after her first marriage, moved out of state shortly after the got together, from what I was told it never got phyiscal. He currently lives in dallas, which is 140 mile from her home town. I have tried to set boundries and she says I am paranoid, jealous and petty that she can't have any friends.


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Install a keylogger on any/all home computers. Will show everywhere she goes online and every word typed.
Detailed billing for cellphone/blackberry, will not show what's texted, but will list numbers of all outgoing/incoming calls and text's.
Gather evidence first, then confront. She will continue to lie until you prove she's cheating.


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

Well, as an update, I confronted her about my feelings, we are both so spent emotionally we have decided to separatefor a short time... I just hope this separation help both of us get our barrings on out relationship. She thinks I am crazy, jealous and paranoid about even thinking she is having an emotional affair, this may be "the straw that broke the camels back" so to speak. I think I may have lost her forever...


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## tonyandre (Jun 17, 2009)

Kuyaeye,

I am in the exact situation. Both of us are emotionally spent and we've been separated for 8 weeks. For me things haven't gotten better. For you, take time to know what YOU really want out of this relationship. It will help sort out a lot of things and make you think a lot more clearly. It's too early to tell her, but suggest couples counselling in a week or two. Do you have kids? If you don't, it should be easy to give each other some space and have her decide what she really wants. I'll tell you from experience, it's VERY hard to do that. I would suggest keeping yourself occupied with a self help book called "I'm Ok, You're Ok" and a couples book called "Getting the Love that you Want". Don't give up on yourself, that's #1. If in fact she does choose the ex-bf over you, would you want to stay married with her anyway?

Good luck to you


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

I have to agree. The secretive nature of her actions proves there is something going on. As the other post said, the next step is a physical affair. Its bound to happen because she's completely shutting you off from her life.....the blame she puts on you is to redirect the guilt she feels. She's trying to make this right in her head; trying to blame you for all of this in some way to make herself feel less responsible & guilty.
It all comes down to what you want. If you want to work through this then fight for her. Its not over yet. But you will need to be direct and stick to your guns. I would suggest counseling. If she is unwilling to attend, I would sit her down and call her out. Tell her you know exactly what is going on (go through the proof) and explain what you want out of this (i.e. to fight for the marriage or let it go)
Be prepared for her answer, she may not be willing to fight & in that case, you cannot changer her mind. 

Good luck,
Pamela
Do It Yourself Divorce | Divorce Forms | File For Divorce


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

But if she is having this affair, how do I move on with this relationship? She will not acknowledge there is a problem with her "friendship" with him. Yes, she has misplaced her guilt on to me, I don't know what to think, how do I go on working on the issue. I am going to couseling tonight by myself... in hopes she knows I am serious in trying to work this out...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Kuyaeye,

My wife and I are going through issues which I won't bore you with here. Suffice it to say that I've done some things wrong in the relationship (no not cheating either EA or PA - would never), just withdrawal, etc. Well a while ago I noticed she started getting phone calls and texts from a guy where she works part time. The frequency increased etc. Now this is just after I finally "heard" her about withdrawing etc. Of course I was in an emotional heightened state at the time and really started to doubt her. 

After starting down the path of improving myself, she still seemed so distant (built up a wall of anger) but seemed to be talking to this guy a lot. I did what you did I expressed my feelings about how I didn't like it. I did not demand her to stop but just let her know I didn't like it. After a while I realized I couldn't bring her wall down by myself and set up counseling for her and me. In an individual session I brought this stuff up about the guy with the counselor. She said it was inappropriate but that I couldn't do anything about it except get myself back into the emotional connection with my wife and she would move back.

Well she went to her session and it obviously came up some how (counselor will not discuss what I say to her and vice versa). She went and had a talk about it with the guy. The counselor gave her what to say. So maybe counseling will help.


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

i am hopefull that couseling will help out relationship, i hurt sometimes to read posts and replys because it is like rubbing salt in the wounds. i is good though becasue i am not alone in my pain, there are others that are having similar issues.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know what you mean. But I gain insight into what my wife was going through and still is going through. Counseling has helped me - at least I've gotten to vent about my issues. What I've learned about my situation is gained from a sliver here and there. 

I want to be a better person, not that I was a bad person, just better for me and for her. To really connect again with her. Just remember, it will take time for the healing process to occur. How much time is dependent on the individuals involved. The healing process is what gets me - sometimes I feel like I am moving backward with her. I just keep waiting for the big leap forward.


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

she hates talking about "feelings," but she did state when she goes home during our separation, she going to talk to a pastor of her cousin's church about what she is feeling, not me a pastor. Well at least it a start, maybe she will share with me after that. I have to hope so right? Good news or bad, i need an answer if she is will to work things out... 

Thanks for the insight Feelingalone, it gives me hope thAt things will workout for the better.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I watched my wife become more excited about some other guy, and it really tore me up. I confronted her with my suspicions as they came up to me, I didn't sit on anything.

When I thought she was crossing boundries I confronted her with it. She blew it off and told me the "just friends" crap.

She was lying to me but also to herself about what was happening.

Our breakthru came when I spent some time thinking about putting myself in her shoes, role playing in my head from her point of view.

Come to find out I knew exactly what to say then, and what to do.

My wife was much more complex than I had known, or wanted to know. Parts she had tried to share with me but I trivialized them and then persued my own stuff. I started expressing interest in her intrests, its not just to be a wife and mother.

Thats what worked for me. we are lots better now.

She was very comitted to staying with me tho, she would not entertain the idea of seperation.

Forgiving lies and the coveting of another is still hard on me, it made me doubt how much I really know her after 5 years. 

I have good days and bad days inside my head, but my wife is now very supportive and open. The good days outnumber the bad a few months after getting all the truth out.

I just want to say there is hope if you decide to stay together.

I know tell my wife things I never thought I would admit to anyone but God, and I feel she is giving me the same kind of honesty.

Its more than I expected from a marriage actually.

Hang in there!


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

Ok, so my wife told me that she will stop flirting with other men but did not address the online talking with her exboyfriend and has not set any boundries on their "friendship" even though she knows exactly how I feel about it. This is the second time I have talked to her about online converstations with exboy friends. "You are paranoid, jealous, and jumping to conclusions" is the response I get. I have asked her twice to stop, I feel disrespected and not it is like a slap in the face. I still love her, but I feel it is starting to turn to anger. I think Facebook and myspace are ruining my marriage!!! She doesn't want to talk to me about her guy friends because I will jump to conclusion, so she doesn't tell me even if I ask. "I am being nosey, it voilates her privacy with her friends." She says that she is getting to the point that I have to pick her friends for her, so in the event she starts to flirt, it is my fault because I introduced them. Or I am being controlling. My question is what is ther to hide? or not tell me, I have given her all of my emails, passwords and account info, I don't have anything to hide, so why does she unless there is something that she is trying to hide...


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