# Irreconsilable Differences



## gettingthrough2day (Feb 10, 2009)

Never thought I'd be here. We have grown children. My husband, like many of yours is thought to be a nice, pleasant guy; and he is - If you don't look too deeply. Pull back the covers and you see a man who has spent his life rarely giving back to anyone (except me, his wife) and then only if demanded. How can you change someone's heart? How can you replace the void of self centeredness with a desire to genuinely care for others? My grievances might seem light to you, but they have become a weight on my chest that is suffocating me. He is passive agressive; never discussing or verbalizing his dislikes - just filling the room with his body language of disapproval, refusing to engage, refusing to participate. The lack of participation has done the most harm - always taking the easy way out - always rationalizing - always justifying. He couldn't get off work (inspite of having 30 days of vacation) when my father died; when my mother died; when my sister died. So I drove out of state, stayed at the hospital each time by myself. He wouldn't stay home the night before my college exams, so that I could study because he had softball practice. He drove me to the emergency room and dropped me off when I was sick because there was nothing he could do and he had a tennis match. He couldn't let his team down. From the first month we were married - he acted as though he regretted it; yet if I try to discuss it, he always says it isn't true. As can happen in families, there have been times when he should have stood up for me to his family- he NEVER has. He won't stand up for anyone. He has publicly disrespected me through out of the blue comments and lewid behavior. He disrespects me through vulgar sexual comments and behavior inspite of my telling him how it makes me feel. The final straw is very small - yet it weighs heavily. He was in an angry mood last night complaining about my farm pets. My pet rooster came at him while he was watering the hens (something roosters always do). He kicked the rooster sensless - breaking its back. The rooster is my pet. It is 2.5 pounds. There is way too much for me to continue. The bottom line is, I could pretend that nothing matters and we'd go to our graves together. Our grown children are close to us - and would never understand my leaving our life. I've waited too long. Wish I had a way out.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

If you are truly that unhappy and your kids are grown...and he is a self centered jerk who cares nothing about anyone else...what are you waiting for?

Go find happiness...the storm will calm at some point. If he loved you and cared he would have shown you years ago. Ditching you for tennis match, etc is absurd....family members dying and he doesn't go? What the hell? 

You have the big heart...he doesn't. He doesn't deserve you.

I am so sorry about your rooster....your final straw has been a long time coming. Why waste the rest of your life on a man who clearly doesn't care?


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## gettingthrough2day (Feb 10, 2009)

Dear Java, thank you for your reply. I get the feeling from reading your posts that you are quite young to have so much wisdom. Why don't I just leave? Because I've made a covenant commitment to my husband under God - and while I could leave him biblically - I believe the consequences would be so great for everyone around me that I cannot do that. I'm in my 50's - though I look a little younger. I need to get my feelings out somewhere safe and seek help in how to rebuild a life for myself while IN this marriage. I need the strength to stand up for the things that bring ME happiness and be strong enough to tell my husband that I will not compromise on these things. I hope that life is good for you. I hope that you are living your life in a way that allows you to experience all the good things that come your way. THANKS


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

with all due respect, you have described a marriage that is borderline abusive. those things he has done (drop off at emergency room, not going to family funerals) show a complete lack of conscience on his part, a lack of teamwork.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

gettingthrough2day said:


> Why don't I just leave? Because I've made a covenant commitment to my husband under God...


Yes, but he also made that commitment under God... and as I recall the commitment was have and to hold you from that day forward-- for better, for *worse*, for richer, for poor, in *sickness* and in health... and to *love* and *cherish* you until death do you part. 

He certainly doesn't seem to be holding up to the bargain. 

P.S. - I'm also very sorry about your rooster... what he did was absolutely awful. Anyone who would do that to an animal needs counselling (in the very least).


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## gettingthrough2day (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you Peridot. Isn't it amazing that we can miss the obvious? I've thought about my getting/needing counseling, but it didn't cross my mind that HE needed counseling. If you knew us, you'd think I had it together better than that.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

gettingthrough2day said:


> Dear Java, thank you for your reply. I get the feeling from reading your posts that you are quite young to have so much wisdom. Why don't I just leave? Because I've made a covenant commitment to my husband under God - and while I could leave him biblically - I believe the consequences would be so great for everyone around me that I cannot do that. I'm in my 50's - though I look a little younger. I need to get my feelings out somewhere safe and seek help in how to rebuild a life for myself while IN this marriage. I need the strength to stand up for the things that bring ME happiness and be strong enough to tell my husband that I will not compromise on these things. I hope that life is good for you. I hope that you are living your life in a way that allows you to experience all the good things that come your way. THANKS


I am not quite as young as you may think. I have been around a while...you sounded like you are done with him...hence the last straw. Your post now sounds like you are looking for advice to work things out. Leaving someone is not easy, I know this...but if one person in the marriage has clearly already "left" then it leaves little for the second person to work with. Marriage is supposed to be a joint committment..not one for only one of those people. If he doesn't care or involve himself in the resolution you can't fix it by yourself.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Wow, you sound like me in 20 years! YIKES! I don't think my H is quite as harsh as yours and I'm at my last straw. We've only been together 14 years! Check out my thread, "I think I've figured out the problem(s), finally."

I am certainly no religious expert, but the way christians explain it to me, won't your god forgive you if you ask him? I mean, you're hanging on to this crappy marriage and are miserable about it because of your religion. If you leave, you can work that out with your god, right? Ask for forgiveness. Does your god really want you to be unhappy in a horrible marriage? He made the commitments as well and is sure falling short of his end of the bargain. The title of this thread clearly indicates an end. I dont' see in your original post where you are saying that you want to stay and work it out. The last line says you want a way out. 

Personally, I think you need some "me time" and you need to go find yourself and what makes YOU happy. You deserve that. I think that would allow you to think so much clearer and breathe so much easier about life. 

Have you talked to him about this?

And as far as your kids go... if you explain it right to them they should understand. You may even give them strength and teach them how to stand up for themselves, so their marriages don't turn out this way.

I'm so sorry to hear about the rooster. I know what it's like to lose a pet, but to lose a pet in that manner? That must be incredibly hard to deal with. My sympathy...


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## gettingthrough2day (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you bhappy. This blogging experience is new to me and I'm amazed at how many nuggets of truth are given that would never be communicated in a one to one relationship. We all have a hard time communicating the truth, for fear of offending. You have no idea how right you are about the "me" time. I wasn't going to mention part of the situation for fear of someone identifying me; however, my husband's invalid mother lives with us and I am her sole care provider. You're right; my adult kids still learn from us - and I've also come to the conclusion that I need to show them how to stand up for themselves. Thanks, in part, to these posts, I've been able to talk to my husband this week, stating what needs to be changed, and the consequences if things don't get better. He has agreed to go to both marital and personal counseling. Like some of the posts, I don't want to break up my marriage. I want our relationship to get better. I'm unfortunately wary that we'll have long term change, but my husband seems willing to try- also, I'm committed to trying to 1) meet his needs while 2) not stuffing mine. I finally feel like my head is clearing and I have the strength to do whatever is needed to build a better life.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

gettingthrough2day said:


> He has agreed to go to both marital and personal counseling.


I'm so glad to hear your husband is agreeable to counseling. I know full well how specific times within married life where you felt unloved, unsupported can be buried through the years but still linger beneath the surface and build up resentment over time.

I never thought to bring these things up, thinking I cannot force someone to do right by me, it should just be natural if they truely love me. 

I now think it's best to talk through how these incidents made you feel and hopefully he can get a better understanding of what to be more mindful of going forward and be more sensitive to your feelings.

I hope the best for you both.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

gettingthrough... sometimes all it takes to make us feel better is to put things into words. I keep a journal on my computer where I type whatever I'm feeling, whenever I feel full of stuff to spew. I could address it to someone (and NOT send it), or I can just write to myself. I ALWAYS feel so much better after I've written in it. So maybe just writing the words out here was enough to help you sort through your feelings. And then the fact that there are anonymous people commenting on what you wrote helps to point out what you may be missing. Good for you for figuring out what needs to be done. And good for you for standing up for yourself. =)


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