# I cheated, I feel horrible, do I tell him?



## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Little bit of background, I'm 23, my husband is 35, we have two children aged 1 and 4. We've been married two years and together for 7 years.

I feel terrible. I've cheated on my husband. We've been having issues for 6 out of the 7 years we've been together. For the first five years we were together he would regularly use webcams and chat rooms to talk to other women. When I finally confronted him he went and got help and has been a better husband. But we only talked about it once really, then just got hidden away and ignored.

On the outside things are fine. We split up household and childcare chores. We don't fight about anything, ever. But it's almost like living with a room mate, or a family member. He never tries to cuddle me, we don't even sit on the same couch and he permanently lives on his xbox so we never spend anytime together. I tried for so long to get him to do things with me, classes or going to the gym maybe, a movie night at home, anything, but he wasn't interested. I think now I've just given up and that's why I've made such a stupid mistake.

We haven't had a proper sexual relationship since 2005. I tried to talk him into councelling, or just to talk to ME. Then I gave up, and I didn't really realise it at the time, but I went looking elsewhere. Not actively looking for an affair, just flirting a little and enjoying it if someone flirted back. But now I've actually had an affair. I feel horrible, so so guilty. I know things have been bad between us and I do accept this is 100% my fault but I don't know what to do. I don't really know how it came about. A night out with a group of friends, lots to drink, dancing, and it just sort of happened.

He's always said an affair would be the end of us no exceptions, so I can't tell him. Do I just leave? Or do I keep it hidden and know that I'll have to live with the guilt and that'll stop it happening again? Having the children makes it so much harder, I don't want thing to change for them.

We talked a little while ago, i tried to explain how unhappy I was, but he has a way of twisting my words. I was trying to explain that I think we got very serious far too early (I was 16 he was 28) and within 6mths I'd moved in, a year and a half later we had our first child, another year we were married. I had kids before I was even grown up. But when I try to talk about it he asks how I can regret my children? Which I don't, but he's impossible to talk to about anything. So I stopped trying. For about a month we just didn't talk at all. After the kids were in bed he sat downstairs I sat upstairs. Eventually we did talk about it, and he said he thought I was going to leave him. But he never tried to convince me not to? He gave me even more distance, does that mean he wants me to leave him?

Then just to confuse things further, out of the blue he's decided he's attracted to me again. He's been grabbing me and touching me and I feel really uncomfortable with it. If we've in the car of sitting in the living room and our eyes meet he makes a dirty face at me which feels really wrong (flicking his tongue indicating oral sex, does that make sense?)

I know I am absolutely 100% completely in the wrong here, and even if he has been emotionally neglectful for years, nothing merits an affair. I just don't know what to do about it. Do I come clean and lose him? Or do I keep it hidden?

Please don't reply if it's just going to be a mean comment. I already know how horrible a person this makes me I really don't want reminded  Please


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Personally, I would talk to a priest or preacher, confess the guilt you feel and forgive yourself. 

I would not tell your husband, you mentioned how hard it has been in your marriage but it sounds like you realize that cheating isn't the way to fix your marriage. Instead, I think I would talk more about your RECENT feelings and emotions and explain to him how you feel when he says this...or how you feel when he does that..bringing up the past isn't going to solve anything. Also, you could explain to him that you feel vulnerable in the marriage and don't want to seek out other men and that you want him.  

Good luck!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would want to know.

And when I found out, I'll tell you, my behavior changed.For the better. Our marraige is way healthier now

You will do it again, most likely in about 3-5 years from know, most likely his behaviors won't change (why should it) and you will go out with friends and drink and some charming young stud will have his way. This will be in about 10 to 12 years of marraige.

You will feel like sh*t again but another handful of years will go by and here we go again ,girls night out, drinks, and charming guy. By this time you are in to 15 to 18 years of marraige it will get easier for you but you will still feel bad. And your H will have the same old behaviors and your marriage will have the same old problems it had when you were only married for 7 years

I know this b/c I lived it,(my wife started 7.5 years into marraige) so I'm with the crowd that says tell him, address the issue in why it happened. There is a good chance that it wont happen again once your H understands the why and the problem in the marriage is repaired. Only then is when you can say it wont happen again.

I hope you understand the point, its not the affair that is the problem with you marraige. Its your marraige that cause the affair.
Fix the caused for the affair fix the marraige then no more affairs.

You can alway keep your mouth shut, and we can talk again in 5 years.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

First of all it is not 100% your fault. There are two people in a relationship. Neglect is happening in your relationship. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Cheating is a fools game. Everyone gets hurt, including the kids. 

How would you manage on your own with the children? 

Can you run a home and pay all the bills on your own? 

What future lies ahead for you and the children growing up without Dad around each day? How would Dad cope on his own? 

Lawyers cost a lot of money ...can either of you afford them in your situation? 

Communication seems to be your biggest problem. Sweeping issues under the carpet doesn't work. Talk. Write a letter. But communicate how you feel. Get him to stop the dirty face. That's wrong and it is upsetting you. If you don't say, he won't know!

Internet, online porn and chat rooms can cause problems in relationships and result in demeaning behaviour to a partner. Most people think it is harmless but it can have a very detrimental underlying effect on relationships. 

Google: effects of chat rooms and online porn 

40Jane offers good advice. Save your marriage and put your mistake behind you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Lazarus,
Are with the crowd that would want her to tell him?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You own 100% for having an affair. Only 50% of what went wrong in the marriage. Don't be fooled. 
I'm in the "tell him" crowd. I believe a person has the right to make a decision as to whether they want to live with someone who has cheated or not. Not telling effectively removes that choice. Some choose to leave. Not all do. It's a crap shoot, regardless of what someone has said. 
If you're able to tell him, that opens the door if BOTH are willing to do the hard work to root out the issues in the marriage and to work on them. You're not the only one who needs to do some work here, HE does as well. I will admit to scratching my head over a 28yo man with a 16yo girl, but I guess we won't go there. Makes me wonder about him in the first place, and that has NOTHING to do with you.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

40jane said:


> Personally, I would talk to a priest or preacher, confess the guilt you feel and forgive yourself.
> 
> I would not tell your husband, you mentioned how hard it has been in your marriage but it sounds like you realize that cheating isn't the way to fix your marriage. Instead, I think I would talk more about your RECENT feelings and emotions and explain to him how you feel when he says this...or how you feel when he does that..bringing up the past isn't going to solve anything. Also, you could explain to him that you feel vulnerable in the marriage and don't want to seek out other men and that you want him.
> 
> Good luck!


 I am second guessing myself about whether it is a good idea not to tell the husband. 

The reason I suggested not telling her husband is because I know without a doubt that she is remorseful if she wasn't I wouldn't have given that advice. On the other hand..I see _theguy_ point of view about not dealing with the issue, her husband having a choice in the matter and your husband doesn't have any motivation to change. 

If things are getting better..he is showing attention, affection then it would be bad timing to tell him now.

You definitely have a variety of answers to help you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

the guy said:


> I'm with the crowd that says tell him, address the issue in why it happened. There is a good chance that it wont happen again once your H understands the why and the problem in the marriage is repaired. Only then is when you can say it wont happen again.
> 
> I hope you understand the point, its not the affair that is the problem with you marraige. Its your marraige that cause the affair.
> Fix the caused for the affair fix the marraige then no more affairs.


 I also would want to know *ALL*. I personally would have a harder time getting over the Hiding/fear of confessing, than the falling - if it ever came out in the future. 

Not sure how "Married Young" is, but the majority of humans *can not *move on in Joy & true happiness if they are hiding , feeling guilty, shameful. Most have an innate NEED to get things off their chest, to be forgiven by those they hurt deeply. 

As he had a hand to play in the breakdown as well, for him to listen, understand this by your being humble before him and asking his forgiveness, this has your best chances of true & lasting reconcilation.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Thank you so much everyone for replying.

@the_guy, I would want to know too. But when I found out he was chatting online, just online, it took us a couple years to get past it. I don't know if we can get past this that's what scares me. Not that it's a good reason to keep secrets.

@Lazarus, I don't have an income really, student loan payments but I don't work, so I probably wouldn't be able to take my children if we split, which kills me. I'd have to declare myself homeless and go from there. But I don't want to stay if it's just because of the money. I googled what you said and I've saved a few links to read later thank you  I have tried talking to him, but I find it so difficult, we've never been able to communicate properly. I'm on the waiting list for marriage councelling but I don't even have a rough idea how long it's going to take. My name has only been down for a month so far though.

@major_misfit I have a whole other thread about the 28yo/16yo thing, I really object to it. I'm only 23 now but can see how childlike 16yos really are. Not that it makes a huge difference, but I see you're from Texas, I think 18 is the legal age over there? I'm in the UK and here it's 16. So at least it was legal...

@40jane thank you for both your replies. I'm not really a religeous person, I only go to church at big times of the year (christmas easter etc) so I wouldn't have anyone there to talk to. I am waiting on a councellors appointment though. I've had my name down for a little over a month and this week he finally agreed he'd come with me, I was just going to go alone he's always refused. Baby steps I guess.

@simplyamorous, you're right I do feel the need to get it off my chest, I feel awful. It makes me queasy thinking about it it's horrible. I always looked down my nose at people who had affairs, the worst kind of people. I just can't believe I'm now one of them 

I still don't know what to do. I do think I need to tell him, keeping lying won't do any good. But the thought terrifies me. I have one friend who knows about it and she's offered me her couch if I need it. But I'm going to wait just now. I'll call the councellors again tomorrow and find out how long a wait I've got. If it's going to be a long time I'll call round somewhere that can fit us in soon. I think I need help with this. I don't know how to tell him. Maybe I can tell him there, or tell him the day before we go so there's someone to help us with it.

I still can't believe I've done this


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marriedyoung said:


> But when I found out he was chatting online, just online, it took us a couple years to get past it. I don't know if we can get past this that's what scares me.


 He is NOT perfect either. Believe it or not, this fact , if he is humble enough about it, can only be a help to your situation. 




marriedyoung said:


> I'm not really a religeous person, I only go to church at big times of the year (christmas easter etc) so I wouldn't have anyone there to talk to.


 NOt sure how it is in the UK, but here you call any local Pastor and make an appointment to talk, they welcome such calls hoping you will Join the church! 




marriedyoung said:


> @simplyamorous, you're right I do feel the need to get it off my chest, I feel awful. It makes me queasy thinking about it it's horrible. I always looked down my nose at people who had affairs, the worst kind of people. I just can't believe I'm now one of them


 Your situation is why people should never say "Never", that they are better, above everyone else, the "it could never happen to me" attitude. I find it rather prideful & these people annoy me to some degree. The majority of us are capable of falling under certain circumstances. Unless one is a Saint. Who wants to hang with Saints? They only make the rest of us feel like crap for being so messed up. Try to look at it as though - you have just joined the human race! 

There is this one paster, Ted Haggart, he fell mercilessly for the whole world to judge & condemn, and you know what , I think all the more of him NOW -after the fact, what he has struggled through, he has tasted the other side of this & can identify with others's struggles more so. The result >> Because he has embraced & recognized his fallable nature, He is now more lovable & merciful towards other people. 

As much as it may hurt & torment right now, it is GOOD you are feeling these things , you know you have to come "clean". 

It also shows you truly care & are repentant in your heart. You so WANT your husband to be the type of man who can also see HIS fallability & Loves you "enough" to understand and in time (maybe with some counseling?) -Forgive. Frankly, if he can not do this for you, if you have shared & bared your heart to him in all of it's sadness over this with wanting to make things RIGHT between the 2 of you, you will probably be better off without him. 

SO do not be afraid to go forth with the truth, this is how I would look at the matter. 



marriedyoung said:


> I have one friend who knows about it and she's offered me her couch if I need it.


It is so important to have others to listen to you, friends & family during this time. Seek wisdom on the when & how to tell him, but the telling -- it should be.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You may need to ask him to forgive you so you can eventually do so.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

marriedyoung said:


> Do I come clean and lose him? Or do I keep it hidden?


Tell him the truth.

Everyone deserves to live knowing the truth of their life. You, he, all of us.

If he leaves you over finding it? So be it.

However, you cannot deal with the deprivations you are experiencing, the unhappiness in your marriage without resolving all pieces of it.

Eventually this terrible truth will come out. Better sooner than later.

It sounds like he has hidden things in his life as well. Time to shine the light on everything.

You owe it to yourself as well. You seem to be one of the rare cheaters who is consumed with guilt. Use this remorse to fix things.


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