# I hate sex but LOVE my husband



## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Hello,
New to this site. I want to share a problem I have, I actually do not understand it at all myself, this has been going on a few years now.
I am happily married, 28 years and we have been together for 32 years. We have 3 grown up children all still living at home and all with great jobs.
I cannot stress enough that I actually love my husband to bits, we have a great marriage. My husband makes me laugh all the time, we thrive on humour. But when it comes to sex, I hate it so much. I try to avoid it as much as I can. My husband can see that I hate it. I just don't get the need for it, I know that is a stupid thing to say. 
I'm not sure if it's to do with my self esteem, which is very low. I hate my body with a passion. I had cancer 3 years ago. My husband was by my side the whole time, took over looking after the house, daughter helped where dinner and food was concerned, was just overwhelmed by them. It took me 2 years before I was 100% well. My husband came to me and expressed how scared he was about losing me. But I cannot seem to connect sexually, in the beginning definitely yes.
Why am I like this ? 
My husband always tells me he loves me, has a pet name for me that everybody knows and everybody always says we are cute even after 32 years we are still like this.
Please do not say I have fallen out of love, I read other posts over the net where people have suggested this, it's definitely not the case here which really baffles me.
My husband has a high sex drive, mine is zero.
I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
The weirdest of all is..... I fantasize about sex with my husband, why is that when in real life I hate it ??? I don't understand it...
Help please


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Are you willing to see a sex therapist?


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Have you always disliked sex? Can you orgasm by yourself or with your husband? Does he do his best to please you in bed? Are your fantasies about sex being different from the reality of what happens?

Are you on any medications that might affect your sex drive. Did the doctors put you on tamoxifen after your cancer? 

Does your hatred of your body have to do with the cancer, or something else?


You know sex is very important to a happy marriage, so its worth trying to understand this.

(sorry to sound like I'm interrogating, but I'm hoping for more information to understand what is going on).


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

If your husband is such a wonderful guy and you love him very much, then I would expect that you would understand how much having sex with you means to him and do everything in your power resolve your issues.

Even if you eventually don't succeed in improving things much, I imagine he'll greatly appreciate the effort you put into fixing this.

If he doesn't know and you're just avoiding sex with him; it's probably causing him a great deal of anguish.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

RobynF said:


> Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.


If you love your husband and he's a wonderful guy, then being uncomfortable talking about this to a stranger is something you need to overcome.

What if your husband had decided that he couldn't support you during your illness because something would make him feel "uncomfortable"?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

The only thing that kills my sex drive to a point of revulsion is when I am anxious - do you suffer from anxiety at all?

If you don't love your body then I understand that you would not want to share it with anyone, particularly with your husband who you respect and love. I think therapy would be a really good option for you - if you don't want to talk to a sex therapist maybe start with one that can work on your self esteem issues. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Get to a highly rated therapist. No shame in asking for help, because you clearly need it. This is not normal and you won't be able to fix this on your own. Do you and your husband a favor, please call around today and book an appointment with a therapist. Also, discuss this with your primary care doctor. Are you scared to talk about health concerns with your doctor as well? Has there been any trauma (abuse) in your life?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Think you need professional help. Sex results in the release of Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for emotional bonding of the couple. Same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. My wife does not like intercourse and we have not had it for longer than we can remember in our 44 year marriage. Still we have sex. She likes to cuddle and kiss a lot, but she uses a vibrator now, and then makes me orgasm orally or by hand. She used to have a girlfriend to take care of her up to 7 years ago. 

After my wife had a hip replacement she had body issues. A huge sunken scar was not attractive to look at. 6 months of no physical activity made her gain weight. We worked through it by basically forcing ourselves to have sex each week, if even to lay next to each other and masturbate. That got that good old Oxytocin working again and made us want to have sex more and do more. You mention that you love him, but love without sex is not romantic love. I love my sister and parents, but that is not the kind of love there should be in a marriage. Marriage kind of centers around sex, at least in a healthy marriage, and not one where you live like best friends, or for the sake of the kids. We are married 44 years and still love each other as we did when we first met. We have learned that a highly sexual marriage is much better than one with infrequent sex. We went out of the traditional marriage structure of sexual monogamy to get there, and it has made our marriage wonderful and very pleasurable too.

I am not big on therapist, but in your case a sex therapist could probably fix you up easily. Since the love is there, a series of exercises will probably get you to the point when you are back in the saddle again. Good luck and a life without sex is never as good as one with a healthy sexual relationship. I have lived both and learned that first hand.


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick. 
I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it. 
The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary. 
Not sure if this is a low self esteem thing on my part , I was raised to believe that I wasn't good enough, not a happy childhood.
And sex in the beginning was amazing, we were like rabbits lol.
I take care of myself sexually when the need arises, not often, but only takes a minute or so. 

So not sure what my problem is ???


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Hi Robyn,

First I am so sorry for what you must have gone through, but am glad to read that you are well. I do hope you stay cancer free.

Mr HB has been battling cancer for a while now and the whole experience along with surgeries and chemo have changed him in many ways.

Did you undergo chemotherapy as part of your treatment? I've read that it can abruptly trigger menopause as a side effect. You did not mention the type of cancer, but if you had to have your female organs removed that can also trigger a more dramatic start t menopause. 

Menopause and peri menopause can affect your libido in either direction so you can ask your doctor to check your hormone levels. They can help if that's the problem... although if your cancer was one that feeds on estrogen it will limit some of the treatment options.

It could also be body issues if you are overly concerned about surgery scars or that sort of thing. My SIL has told me she feels little drive since her mastectomy 10+ years ago. 

If that's part of the issue just remember that if your H is HD and loves you and wants to make love to you it means that any scars or other changes aren't affecting his attraction to you.

Are you on any regular meds? Many of them can affect libido... especially depression or anxiety meds.

Cancer can wreak havoc on you... body, mind and soul. IC to help you cope with the aftermath is a good idea. If you are able to reclaim your libido, you may also find the life affirming aspects of sex are great. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

No I do not suffer from any sort of anxiety.
My heart still skips when I hugging my husband, just laying beside him. I'm just not understanding how I cannot connect with him sexually.
I might look into a therapist.
Thank you all for your comments


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's not weird that you fantasize about sex with your husband, but at the same time avoid sex with your husband. It suggests to me that you want to want sex with your husband. And if that's true, that you want to want sex with your husband, then you're already almost there.

What was your cancer treatment? Did you have radiation? Where was the radiation directed, what part of your body? Almost every kind of chemo causes a loss of libido. Radiation may have made that permanent. So your first job is to screw up your courage and talk to your cancer team. Sometimes the nurse navigator is the best person to start with, not so much the oncologist. You need to understand how your specific treatments typically affect sex drive and sexual arousal, which are two different things in women. Women can desire sex, as you do because you fantasize, and yet not experience sufficient sexual arousal to actually want to get naked.

Precancer, were you also not interested in sex?

How often do you masturbate?

How regularly, when you do have sex, do you orgasm?

Is your body image problem a life long thing or is this something that has increased as the years have?


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

I am 53, I got menopause at 47. This issue was before then.
I had chemo and radiation and was sick for a good 2 years and lost 45 kgs tube in my stomach so I could swallow fluids as I could no longer swallow food for a good 10 months. But this issue was all before that.
No medication at all, no anxiety and no depression.
Might look into a therapist.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your brain needs to be wooed. For me I read a lot of erotic books. Keep my brain juice going and the other flowing as well. 

Have you tried flirting with your H during the day? We do this all day. Little nips and taps when we are together. When he is at work, I send a flirty emoji etc. Don't masturbate when you are alone, save your passion for when you are with him. 

The main sex organ for a woman is in her head. Your sexuality starts there. As we get older most of us don't have perfect bodies. I have awful stretch marks that looks like craters on Jupiter. But it is what it is. My H does not see them. He see me, the woman he loves. 

I am sure all the faults you see in yourself, he is blind to them. He see his beautiful bride still and thats who you still are. So, girl forget the lumps and bumps. Start thinking of yourself as a sexy well loved woman. Get some nice undies, nighties and nail polish, and start dressing the part of a sexy woman. Take small steps and change one thing about yourself as you rework your thinking.


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

My hatred for my body has increased over the years, not always been with me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If you are really insecure with your body, go ask your husband about the possibility of having a "mommy makeover". Budget $10-15K for a boob lift/enlargement, lipo, tummy tuck, etc. It could be the best money you'll ever spend if it fixes your self esteem issues. I guarantee it he will fully support you. Having kids does a handful on some women's bodies and plastic surgery is the only way to get it back to the way it was.

But get in the best shape possible prior. Lose all the fat you can. A healthy diet and intense exercise for 6 months will get you there.


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Thank you BrooklynAnn


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

RobynF said:


> Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.


You say you love your husband, and I believe you. Well then you have to have some courage for him. This isn't really about your husband it's about you. Something is up. You should fix this, first of all for you, but also for him. This could make you closer and you stronger as a couple. Men feel love through sex, men bond through sex. As a man I can not impress upon you how fundamentally important it is for us. Imagine your husband never held you, or told you he loved you. In a lot of ways this is what it feels like. He can't have that if his wife won't give the to him. 

I know this is scary but there are people on here who were raped and are trying to overcome those challenges. You can do this. This is probably more common then you think. You have taken the first steps by posting here, but you should try to have courage for him and get some help to overcome what seems to be a phobia that you have.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

_*My husband has a high sex drive, mine is zero.*_

You had better DO SOMETHING about that, before he is not your husband anymore. Have you considered Hormone Replacement Therapy? Like in bio-identical seeds? 

Even IF you are not in the mood, what are you doing to take care of HIS MOOD?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RobynF said:


> Hello,
> I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
> The weirdest of all is..... I fantasize about sex with my husband, why is that when in real life I hate it ??? I don't understand it...
> Help please


The difference between a man and a women "sexwise", is this:

A man has something "in him" that demands release.

It is something that cannot be suppressed.

An urge so powerful, some men would rape and pillage to rid themselves of "THIS".

It is a Seaman in a small boat. One riding out a vicious storm. He is being bashed and bucked. His bones hurt to the core.

His only escape is to dive into the warm sea. Into that viscous warm fold that holds him tight.

He swims down as far as his arms can reach.

And he vomits out his urging juices with delight.

And he collapses in ecstasy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RobynF said:


> My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
> I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
> My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
> The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
> ...


Totally obvious what your problem is:
1) chemically you have no sex drive
2) you don't want a sex drive, because your husband's needs are not a priority? 
3) you are so unconcerned about your loving husband you aren't even able to get out of your comfort zone enough to see a doctor or therapist. I personally think a doctor is who you need to see in order to get your libedo back. May be impossible. But find out.

You have no idea how this is utterly gutting your husband on a daily basis. He is such a good man that he doesn't even let you know that he is crushed over this. Or he has no sex drive, either.

Go see a doctor.

I wanted to add: What you look like to YOU, and what you look like to your husband are totally different things. Is your Mom or Dad alive?
Are they ugly to you? Do you see them like you did when you were a kid? Do they not seem all that old to you?
That's how your husband who LOVES you sees you. He sees you like you were when you married. I am very serious about this. My ex wife was 226 lbs. after she had our 2nd child. I never noticed. She was heavier, but she was her. I still basically saw her as I did the whole time we were married. (she cheated--hence the EX part).
You have got to get past this self image thing and give your husband some intimacy like he needs and deserves.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

RobynF said:


> Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.


It's no different than going to your ObGyn... Perhaps you can start with your ObGyn at a high level and see what he or she says, possible physical causes and treatments, and if needed, a referral.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

RobynF said:


> Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.


There is no growth without discomfort.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

RobynF said:


> Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.


Is it shame about talking about sex, or is it the perceived stigma of speaking to a therapist?

You've acknowledged there's a problem. Look at it from the standpoint that someone has an answer to your problem, but they can't give you that answer unless you first ask them.

If you do decide to speak to someone, make sure it's a sex therapist, not just a counselor. They do completely different things.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

When did your dislike for sex begin?

Can you give us an insight to the thoughts going on in your head when you have sex with your husband or when he initiates sex with you?

For the record - I believe that you love and adore your husband, yet don't like having sex. I can relate to what you are describing. 

I think a good sex therapist could help you. As already mentioned - your brain is your biggest sex organ. You just need to understand and learn about the connection and how your brain can help AND how it can halt your sexual feelings. I suspect that right now - its halting them for some reason. 

You have at least two things going for you.

1. You can have orgasms when you masturbate. That means you are capable of sexual feelings.

2. You realize that there is a problem and you are looking for help! Good for you!!! 

That is way farther than many women get! So ignore any posters that give you a hard time and keep moving forward. This particular problem IS fixable - and totally in your control!!! But you are going to have to do the work! Start with researching sex therapists in your area. Do it today! Google ASSECT


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

RobynF said:


> Hello,
> 
> I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.


He finds it difficult because the longer you go without sex, the more easily he's turned on. If you were having sex frequently, cuddling with you wouldn't be so erotic to him and he wouldn't want sex immediately since his body knows he will eventually (within days) have a sexual release. But continued cuddling and holding without a chance of sexual release? No thanks.

As for not connecting sex with love, remember this... women need love for sex, men need sex for love.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RobynF said:


> I am 53, I got menopause at 47. This issue was before then.
> I had chemo and radiation and was sick for a good 2 years and lost 45 kgs tube in my stomach so I could swallow fluids as I could no longer swallow food for a good 10 months. But this issue was all before that.
> No medication at all, no anxiety and no depression.
> Might look into a therapist.





RobynF said:


> My hatred for my body has increased over the years, not always been with me.



Menopause can often times kill the sex drive that was hormonally driven. IOW, if your sex drive had been prompted by hormones, and those hormones are no longer present, your sex drive is no longer present.

I take it hormone replacement therapy is off the table due to the history of cancer? If not, talk to your GYN. I experienced my once "off the charts" libido take a nose dive over the course of a month once full menopause hit. Couldn't even orgasm anymore! Started hormone replacement and orgasms returned but my libido is now on the low side of average.

There is a big difference between wanting to have sex and being hormonally driven to want sex. 

It's like chocolate cake. If you like sex and like chocolate cake this analogy fits:
You're hungry and there is a chocolate cake on the counter so you cut a slice and enjoy it.
You're not hungry but someone puts a slice of chocolate cake in front of you so you enjoy it.

But you're saying you no longer like chocolate cake, even though you fantasize about your husband's baking skills? :scratchhead:

Why do you hate sex? Do you no longer enjoy sex at all? Do you orgasm? I've asked these before but you didn't answer. The answers are pretty important.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a nightmare scenario for any husband. Men give and receive love and affection and acceptance and connection etc through their sexualities. If the sexuality isn't there for them, then the love, affection, connection etc isn't either. 

Sexuality is what makes our special someone "special." It is what separates our special someone, that we would run into a burning building for and that we would jump in front of a bullet for, from all the rest. 

This is a very serious issue so please do not take it lightly. You may not experience the 'need' for sexuality like he does, but trust men, it is there and it is very real for him. 

You are at great risk of him not only disconnecting from you emotionally and having you become just another woman, or even worse where he builds up resentment and bitterness towards you. Men will become resentful and bitter towards their frigid wives in time because as long as he is yoked to her, he is unable to pursue another relationship with someone who would desire him (unless he cheats of course, which becomes a huge and very real risk)

If you want to know how a female would feel in similarly devastating scenario for a woman, imagine your husband posting a thread titled - "I love sex but hate my wife." Then imagine that he goes on to post that he hates his wife and feels no love or affection or closeness to her, but she has sex with him and he likes the sensation of ejaculating into her. 

- that's how a man feels when a woman likes the comforts of home and companionship with a man, but does not have any sexual interest in him. 

I am with all the other posters in that if you want to remain married and have it be a healthy, happy marriage for BOTH of you, you must get professional help. 

Yes, it may be embarrassing to discuss something this personal, but I guarantee you, you are at risk of him coming home one day, handing you divorce papers to sign and giving you the weekend to move out so that his new woman can move her stuff in. That will feel kind of awkward and embarrassing too.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Some good articles - Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs | Focus on the Family


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

RobynF said:


> Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.



They likely could help, as they are trained and experienced in talking to clients about these very issues. I talk to sex therapists in my industry and one recently told me that sex after illness, including cancer, is a major reason why couples come to sex therapy. That's what strikes me most in your post since it sounds like the marriage is very strong otherwise.

Good for you for investigating options- it sounds like you really want to improve this area with your husband.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Also, you mentioned your body image hangups, but what about your husband? Has he changed over the years physically that is turning you off? Has he gained 50+lbs since you used to go at it like rabbits? Has he let himself go and is slovenly and unkempt? Bo? bad breath? Brown teeth? 

Has he become passive and lazy? Does he sit in front of the tv scarfing chips and beer until the middle of the night and then stumbles into the bedroom wanting some action? 

Does he have any kind of drug or alcohol problem?

Had he been abusive in any way?

Has he committed any kind of adultery or had any kind of inappropriate interactions with other women?

Any huge fights, episodes of him being real mean to you or times of gross neglect?


Would any other woman of your caliber be interested in him sexually at all or would they think the thought of sex with him would be repugnant as well?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Also, you mentioned your body image hangups, but what about your husband? Has he changed over the years physically that is turning you off? Has he gained 50+lbs since you used to go at it like rabbits? Has he let himself go and is slovenly and unkempt? Bo? bad breath? Brown teeth?
> 
> Has he become passive and lazy? Does he sit in front of the tv scarfing chips and beer until the middle of the night and then stumbles into the bedroom wanting some action?
> 
> ...



Had to laugh because the one thing that helped me the most in getting over my irrational neurotic body image was....my husband's giant belly. His belly never stopped him from wearing a bathing suit or wanting sex. Never. And yet I was this neurotic woman in a size 8 who was absolutely convinced I was hideous. Still, to this day, when those neurotic thoughts hit I look at my husband and most other men my age and think "Comparatively, I've still got it!"


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I am going to approach this from a much different direction.



RobynF said:


> My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
> I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
> My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
> The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
> ...





RobynF said:


> I am 53, I got menopause at 47. This issue was before then.
> I had chemo and radiation and was sick for a good 2 years and lost 45 kgs tube in my stomach so I could swallow fluids as I could no longer swallow food for a good 10 months. But this issue was all before that.
> No medication at all, no anxiety and no depression.
> Might look into a therapist.


You say that your H has a high sexual drive. Unless you and your H are having some kind of regular and frequent non-intercourse-sex, something about what you have posted just doesn't seem right.

I can understand how menopause, chemo, age, and a host of other things has harmed your self-image. It would take great courage for that not to be the case. However, I know that my wife of 46 years looks so desirable and sexy to me even if she doesn't feel that way. I would not trade her curvy mature body for that of a 25 year old stripper, because I love her. I would wager that your husband feels the same way.

Now do go with your H to a sex therapist. They are marriage counselors with extra training. One saved my marriage. 

One of the things that I learned in undoing my sex starved marriage was that it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to destroy a marriage. You may feel that you love your husband and you fantasize about sex with him, but you just don't like sex in reality. However, the real issues is why isn't your husband working with you to make you feel comfortable and safe enough to have sex with him? He can't change you, but he can provide a nurturing environment where you can change yourself.

However, like any change, you have to want to change. He also has to support you in that change. 

My fear is that there is some kind of dance going on between the two of you where you either are actively or have historically conditioned each other so that you dislike the act of sex with your husband. A good sex therapist should be able to cut through that and find ways for the two of you to reconnect physically with each other.

Think of Pavlov's dog. Couples condition each other in all kinds of ways to like and dislike certain things. You and your H probably during the previous years have been training each other in all kinds of dysfunctional ways. It is now time to reverse some of that conditioning. I would not be surprised to learn that while you were in cancer treatment, your loving H probably promised himself that if you lived he would never pester your for sex again and that he would do everything he could for you. 

I would like to suggest in addition to going to a sex therapist with your H, that you sit down with your H and ask him if he would like you to be more sexual with him. Tell him that you fantasize about sex with him, but that you find it hard to go from fantasy to reality and you need his help to make it happen. Tell him that you will need to go slow and have him support you in your changing yourself so that you can have a stronger marriage. Tell him that is why you want the two of you to go to a top rated sex therapist.

In the mean time I would suggest that you look up what Sensate Focus exercises are and try them with your H. 

I would also suggest that you and your H talk about his fantasies and see if there are any you can accommodate. I would suggest that such a conversation start out with you talking about your wanting to have sex with your H is your fantasy. Tell him that you hope it is a fantasy that will not cross any of your H's personal boundaries. Then tell him how much you love him and would like to know if there any of his fantasies that he would share with you. (Understand that his sharing any fantasies will make him very vulnerable to embarrassment and criticism.) Tell him that you will not judge him (and mean and act like it) and that you will seriously consider them and research them, but can't promise him you will do them as they may cross your boundaries. Tell hime you would like to know what they are and see if you might not want to explore some of them with him through role playing, depending on what they are and that some of them depending on what they are may just always be fantasies.

Good luck to you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That doesn't work for many men, in fact it can be extremely frustrating to be cuddled up next to the person you love and desire but not be able to have sex. 

I have this issue with my wife. I love cuddling but if I'm staved for sex its just miserable. When we are having a reasonable amount of sex though, cuddling (without sex) is great. 

For many people love and sexual desire are intimately tied together, they can't separate them. If you kill their sexual desire, you will kill their love. 

You mention that you masturbate sometimes. Stop. Masturbation is absolutely fine, but you are using it for sexual release and rejecting your husband. What sexual desire /energy you have should be directed towards him.




RobynF said:


> snip
> I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
> snip


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, is there some part of this picture that we are missing.
You love your husband. You fantasize about sex with him. You masturbate to orgasm when you want. But you don't want actual sex.

What is different about your fantasies of sex and the reality?

Do you orgasm when you have sex with your husband? If not is it because he is unwilling / unable too do thin things that work for you, or does it just not happen for some other reason.

Is there anything about him physically or about his behavior that turns you off? Is he a good person who works and does a fair share of chores etc? 

Do you or have you ever watched pornography?

Is there anything else relevant going on? Did either of you have a affair? Sexual abuse? 


What is strangest to me is that you fantasize about sex with him but don't want it in reality.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife just had a hysterectomy two weeks ago. She does not want me cuddling her. She makes me wear my undies and sweats to bed, and puts the dog between us.

She teases me relentlessly. But she knows cuddling would be a disaster. It would be too hard on us to avoid sex if we cuddle.

But then, she's so horny she's climbing the walls. She has to constantly slap her own hand away from her crotch.

We think the suggestion you actually don't like your husband any more even though you say you do has validity. The social imperative to love your husband trumps your willingness to be truthful. That's what we see. 

Good luck.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WilliamM said:


> My wife just had a hysterectomy two weeks ago. She does not want me cuddling her. She makes me wear my undies and sweats to bed, and puts the dog between us.
> 
> She teases me relentlessly. But she knows cuddling would be a disaster. It would be too hard on us to avoid sex if we cuddle.
> 
> ...


If she truly didn't like her husband anymore, I don't believe she'd be having dreams of sex with him. Dreams bring out the truth behind what you're actually feeling.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WilliamM said:


> My wife just had a hysterectomy two weeks ago. She does not want me cuddling her. She makes me wear my undies and sweats to bed, and puts the dog between us.
> 
> She teases me relentlessly. But she knows cuddling would be a disaster. It would be too hard on us to avoid sex if we cuddle.
> 
> ...



Note to self: under no circumstances agree to a hysterectomy without serious opioids for popped stiches.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Having a sex drive is one thing. Your actions are another. They're not dependent on each other. Anyway you can say you love your husband, even feel it and believe it. But love is in the actions. Avoiding sex is evidence that your words don't match your actions. Your happiness is more important to you than his. That's love of self or love of circumstances but not love of him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Fozzy, dreams are dreams. They may or may not have meaning.

But I do believe she wants to desire her husband. So she dreams about it. In her dreams he is the man who turns her on. But dreams are what we want them to be, unless they are nightmares of course.

Dreams may or may not mean anything, but I am sure they don't mean she is happy with the real husband she has. She may be happy with the dream husband she meets with in her dreams, sure. The real husband may not compare well with that dream husband. She can't admit that, because it goes against what she believes.

That's how I see it.

You really think her dream husband is her real husband?

You can't really tell anything from dreams, though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RobynF said:


> Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.


Sex therapists know that most people are very uncomfortable talking about these things. So a good one will know how to put you at ease. The first thing that happens between client and therapist is to build trust so that you can open up to them. Maybe look for one who is a woman close to your own age.

You have to do something because this will hurt your marriage. If you truly love your husband, you will do what is needed to get your desire for sex back. And it is completely possible to do this.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

RobynF said:


> My hatred for my body has increased over the years, not always been with me.


People aren't trying to help you pinpoint what changed and when. That's your key. 

If it helps, I'm married to your twin. We were in the same boat as you guys a while back. We're still married and living together. We still get along. But the marriage finally died. We're now your typical passionless couple. When there was still a chance in our relationship and I was giving it a try, and she was pretending to be giving it a try, the sex was actually pretty good. For ME anyhow. But my wife had what I was SURE was body issues due to weight. As much as I was SURE she was trying to WANT to want sex, I could tell she wasn't into it (before you jump on me, she won't LET ME perform oral sex on her. See body issue statement above). All, I'm pretty sure, because of her "hatred for her body". 

And I could be wrong. There could be 1,000 reasons that she hates sex with me, but we're not talking about me or her. Or you. We're talking about your husband. I enjoyed reading about how much you love him. That fascinates me. I'd have been the first one to board the "you don't love him any more" train. I'm sure I'd have been elected honorary conductor, even. The train would get full. We'd have to add extra cars. So many people thinking the same thing. I wonder what hubs is thinking...?

So. How do we avoid MY fate in YOUR household? By getting you to take that fantasy to reality. And it'll be easy, I can guarantee it.

I'm a pig. Let's get that out of the way. When the lights were out and I needed to get going, there was probably a better chance that a Playboy era Jenny McCarthy was in my head than my (then) loving wife. But when we got going, and I thought she loved me as much as I loved her, guess who replaced Jenny and Rhianna in my head? That's right. I'm thinking of how much I freakin' LOVE this woman and I'll do ANYTHING to please her. Fat and all. But she couldn't come around (no pun intended). I knew it. She knew it. We knew each other knew it. She'd still tell me she loved me, all the time. But I could tell. Again, I wonder what YOUR hubs is thinking right now.

Anyhow, he doesn't give a crap about what you look like. He just wonders if you really DO love him. Right were I was a while ago. And I can tell you EXACTLY what would have turned me around and saved my marriage:

If I did a Vulcan mind meld purely for the purpose of finding out if she really loved me or not, and then found out she loved me as much as you love your husband. But your husband is not a Vulcan, so all you can do is take away the one thing that is getting him to think you don't love him.


You can get yourself off in 1 minute (55 years old and I just find out that's possible, but I digress).
You can get horny thinking of your husband.
When you are laying in bed horny and about to get off, tap your husband on the shoulder and get him to roll over on his back. Suck him hard and ride him like a bronce 'till you cum. Then say "sorry I had to wake you, but I really needed that".

Hug him, kiss him, and go to sleep. 

I can't help you with his lack of interest in cuddling afterwards. Maybe if I got sex like THAT, even once, I'd do all the cuddling I need to do to keep it coming. 

Anyhoo...everybody is confusing me with some idiot that used to have a similar name, so I'll get shot down. But just remember: I AM YOUR HUSBAND!!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

RobynF said:


> Hello,
> New to this site. I want to share a problem I have, I actually do not understand it at all myself, this has been going on a few years now.
> I am happily married, 28 years and we have been together for 32 years. We have 3 grown up children all still living at home and all with great jobs.
> I cannot stress enough that I actually love my husband to bits, we have a great marriage. My husband makes me laugh all the time, we thrive on humour. But when it comes to sex, I hate it so much. I try to avoid it as much as I can. My husband can see that I hate it. I just don't get the need for it, I know that is a stupid thing to say.
> ...


*No better reason than to get into counseling and sexual therapy with your loving husband!

You, your husband, and your long-term marriage are so much worth it!*


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

OP has left the building?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

OP do you have sex with your husband at all? How often? 

Sometimes the longer women go without Sex the more they don't need it. When they have it they remember they actually like it. I'm not sure if you fit this bill or not. 

https://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20

This is my favorite ted talk called Sex starved marriage, I think it really helps us women see what Sex actually means to our husbands. Please watch it


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> OP do you have sex with your husband at all? How often?
> 
> Sometimes the longer women go without Sex the more they don't need it. When they have it they remember they actually like it. I'm not sure if you fit this bill or not.


This is true for me, and from what I've learned from The Sex Doctors, there's scientific evidence behind it. Women make testosterone when they have sex, and T is cumulative, so the more you have it, the more likely you are to desire it.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

This blogger has some good articles on dealing with self image & explaining how your husband needs to see your body.

https://forgivenwife.com/

https://forgivenwife.com/body-image-got-you-down/


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Sorry but I actually don't understand your comment at all ????
It's not so much a dream, it's when I do think of sex it is actually with my actual husband, not somebody else I wish him to be.
I do think the fault lies with me.
But when you have 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, busy raising what seemed at some point raising triplets because they were so close in age, not leaving much time or too tired for anything else.
Now my children are 25, 24 and turning 23 all living at home, one with a girlfriend. Now I have elderly in laws living right next door and I'm their carer and also cook for them as well.
I organised with my adult kids that Friday & Saturday nights I no longer look after them food wise, because they were never home these nights. So I really loved the idea of looking after just my husband. Now my in laws came along recently and I organise dinners for them on a Fri & sat night and take it to them, the rest of the week they walk over and eat with us every night.
My husband has taken me away twice overnight since last Christmas and what I noticed was I felt aroused..... no kids , no looking after in laws... just me and him. It was like I was released and free.
I actually think OF MY HUSBAND AND I LOVE HIM TO BITS !!
People who know reckon we are well suited. We are always at each in a fun way, we are always doing weird funny things just like we were 20 years old, I cannot explain or stress this enough.
I went to visit my mum overnight who lives 2 hours away, we don't do valentine's, we just think it's too commercialized now. But I came back after spending 2 days with my mum, one being valentine's and my husband did an amazing thing. I walked into the house and there was a sign on the wall with a message and a stuffed animal, walked further , another message, stuffed toy and message. In total I collected about 5 toys & messages.
I went on a 2 week cruise with my daughter. I came home to an immaculate house, a handwritten diary if how much he missed me and how he looked after my beautiful talking parrots.
This is the sort of life we have. All my facebook friends can't believe his spontaneity in many things and I've heard numerous times how my friends wish their husband was like mine.
The only thing I'm thinking at the moment is that life got so busy for me looking after everybody else I had no energy left for a physical relationship, this is my guess at the moment. I'm just wondering why was I aroused when we went away twice with nobody else to worry about.
I'm getting tired of looking after everybody. 
I think of MY HUSBAND, NOT OTHER DREAM MAN !!! HE IS MY DREAM MAN !!!


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Are you serious Thound ???????? Read my further comment! !!!!!
You have made me extremely angry !!! Maybe read my comment about my life before making judgement about who i love !!!!
And to tell me that if I loved him I would give it to him is just typical of men !!!! That infuriates me !!!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

RobynF said:


> Sorry but I actually don't understand your comment at all ????
> It's not so much a dream, it's when I do think of sex it is actually with my actual husband, not somebody else I wish him to be.
> I do think the fault lies with me.
> But when you have 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, busy raising what seemed at some point raising triplets because they were so close in age, not leaving much time or too tired for anything else.
> ...


Look at the bolded statements. You do a lot. You are overwhelmed. Your husband obviously loves you a lot if he recognized this and encouraged you to take a break with your daughter, and is taking you away. What you don't say, other than vacations, is - when do you and your husband have alone time? It sounds like you spend a LOT of time catering to your family and that is admirable, but your husband is your family too. You love him a lot or you wouldn't be here. 

What if you take the initiative one night a week, have a good friend or one of your kids fill in for you while you and your husband have a romantic night together, or just go for a walk and talk?

Can I also recommend a sex and marriage therapist? There is nothing "wrong" with you, but if you value your husband, and it sounds like you do, you will see a therapist now, not when the marriage is on the rocks. I can't speak for everyone, but sex is so important to a marriage and not so much you performing, or whatever you are picturing when people say "just have sex with him" but you two connecting physically, spiritually. It sounds like you guys need to spend some time together regularly. And I mean talking about things not related to your fmaily. Do you think you could swing it to take an hour a week to take up a new hobby with your husband? If you aren't spending quality time together, I would imagine it's hard to feel connected in or out of bed. It's about recognizing and addressing that just loving him to bits isn't necessarily fulfilling his needs. If it were possible to have a fulfilling sex life with him, not just for him, but for you, would you want that?


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

I am extremely offended by Thound's comment !!!! Only a male could write that. I wanted help and advice, that is not !
Thanks, will be looking elsewhere for help and advice !!!!


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Joannacroc, thank you for your message. I am going to make more time where it's just my husband and I. I cannot be there for everybody anymore, there isn't enough of me.
Thank you


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator Warning

Posts have been deleted because they carried the risk of chasing off a new TAM member who is hurting and needs our advice and our help, not attacks.

And/or were threadjacks.

This thread is being monitored.

Subsequent action/s may be taken with our without warning.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RobynF said:


> Are you serious Thound ???????? Read my further comment! !!!!!
> You have made me extremely angry !!! Maybe read my comment about my life before making judgement about who i love !!!!
> And to tell me that if I loved him I would give it to him is just typical of men !!!! That infuriates me !!!


 @RobynF Thound's comment was removed because it was a threadjack.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So, when you went on the stuffed animal hunt on Valentine's day, did you try to initiate with him that night? What did you do?

He's clearly trying to bring your head out of the chaotic space it is stuck in with all of the caretaking. And it sounds like he has been trying to do this unprompted, which means he is trying to remind you that he loves and cares for you and wants you to feel comforted. Despite your children being grown and flown, you have now replaced the responsibility with your parents.

The fact that you posted this topic at all (including the catchy title), tells me that you are trying to find some resolution to the problem, but on your terms. Unfortunately, I do not believe that one exists that doesn't eventually end in either a permanent roommate status or divorce.

The advice here is going to be varied - there are many hurt men and women here whose spouses (for whatever reason) choose not to have regular sex. In general it is considered one of the primary reasons people get married in the first place... also known as "exclusive banging rights."

The issue lies with you, so I would encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone if any change is going to occur. That includes trying to take on board some advice given to you bluntly. Look behind the delivery, straight at the hurt. Your husband is very likely hurting in a similar way.

Most if not all men have a primary need for sex. It makes them feel loved by their wives. Without it in supply, they feel unloved and eventually, like an emotional tampon, which breeds resentment. It doesn't take much for them to start to hope to find that physical love elsewhere.

As my husband says, "A well fed dog doesn't roam."

I believe sex is the glue that binds couples together. There are other things that can keep people together, but I consider them to be less powerful. You say that you love your husband, but you won't speak the true language of love to him. Are you willing to try to learn how?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

so your getting your needs as a woman met but you seem to not care about the needs of your husband. as a matter of fact you are angry because some male posters tried to explain how important sex is to a man. Kinda of sounds like you think is unreasonable for men to have a need for sex.

hope you find a compromise with your husband that is acceptable for both of you.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> so your getting your needs as a woman met but you seem to not care about the needs of your husband. as a matter of fact you are angry because some male posters tried to explain how important sex is to a man. Kinda of sounds like you think is unreasonable for men to have a need for sex.
> 
> hope you find a compromise with your husband that is acceptable for both of you.


I think it would be more accurate to say she DOES care about her husband, and his needs. But something, which she has yet to find, is holding her back. And that undiscovered issue is causing her a great deal of pain, and guilt. She KNOWS, logically, that sex is important, but emotionally there is a road block. One she would like to surmount.

So banging out words such as "you do not seem to care" and "angry" and "unreasonable" are the opposite of what she needs. 

It's already been established that her skin isn't thick enough to withstand the TAM jury. So lets dial it back and think of ways to help, rather than hinder her.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, you say that you are tired of looking after everyone else, so it is time to DO something about that. Perhaps that is why you are here - to get ideas.

I suggest you tell your adult children that it is time to move out and live on their own. Set a timeframe for this to happen. Reduce your household chores in support of them - in fact, require that they each cook one night a week for the entire family. Now, you may not want to cut off your in-laws, but once the kids move, you can let them take more care of themselves. Unless they are too infirm to cook for themselves or do other basic chores, they should be on their own. Set aside one day where they can come over, preferably when one of the kids is cooking.

Your only hope to reconnect with your husband is to disconnect from all the others to a large extent. Eventually, these people will move away anyway, and it will just be you and your husband - but that assumes he will still be your husband, or will not be so disconnected from you that he will bother to make the effort to connect with you once you are ready. You have to act now, before it's too late.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You have too much on your plate. 

Your children are adults now, perhaps you could try delegate some chores to them since they are living there. Perhaps they could also help with caring for the elderly in laws. Or ask them to move out, seriously if they have jobs they should be on the way to being independent adults. 

You're wearing yourself out trying to please everyone, you can't do it all, don't be afraid to ask for help. I'm 100% sure that your husband will support you in your decisions. Tell him you want time for romance but you need his help sorting out the jobs at home. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> so your getting your needs as a woman met but you seem to not care about the needs of your husband. as a matter of fact you are angry because some male posters tried to explain how important sex is to a man. Kinda of sounds like you think is unreasonable for men to have a need for sex.
> 
> hope you find a compromise with your husband that is acceptable for both of you.


*
Moderator message*

She was angry because the comments were rude and/or threadjacks.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

RobynF said:


> Joannacroc, thank you for your message. I am going to make more time where it's just my husband and I. I cannot be there for everybody anymore, there isn't enough of me.
> Thank you


Robyn, yes - do make more time for just you and your husband. There are a lot of options for the other people in your life! Your kids are old enough to cook - have them take care of your parents meals on the weekends. Sign up for meals on wheels, or have them order dinner from a restaurant and have the kids pick it up - or have it delivered. Make double during the week - and they can eat left overs. The point is prioritize your husband and let the others fend for themselves some of the time!! It's a choice you make!!! 

Yes it is was hard when your children were little and you had them so close together. I had 5 children in 6 years so I know! I also lost my sex desire during that time - but I also had negative issues concerning sex from being raised in a strict religious environment. We have also dealt with the aging parents issue and it is rough, both emotionally and physically. I feel for you! My husband is awesome, like your husband, and stayed with me through the sex drought! It took over 30 years for me to deal with my issues and to fully understand his physical and emotional needs for us having sex together! That's 30 long WASTED years!!! I don't recommend this at all! Get help now!!

I can tell you that once I realized how important sex is to our marriage - and made sex a priority - our relationship blossomed from OK to amazing for both of us! Its still not always easy for me - and sometimes I revert. I have a responsive sex drive (https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html). When I am stressed or overwhelmed by negative events going on in ours or our families lives (which is quite often), when i am angry or resentful towards my husband, or not feeling well, its hard for me to relax and let myself get aroused. The times I have reverted for an extended period of time, an emotional distance happened and our marriage went back to being just OK! So I have learned I have to be diligent and try to combat these issues and keep sexual activity a priority on a regular basis!! 

It's not easy and its a life long struggle for married couples to navigate their marital sexual life and different styles and desire levels. But when both partners try to make the others partners needs and desires a priority - and put their relationship at the top of their priority list, constantly working to keep it there as much as possible - they can learn to navigate this part of their life together so that it is smooth sailing most of the time and an enjoyable part of their life! 

Don't get mad at one poster and throw all the other good advice given here away! If you are serious about fixing your issues with sex - weed through the thread and find the tidbits that will help you and ignore what is not helpful! Like I said before - this is fixable, and the control is in YOUR hands! Make your husband your #1 priority and let others fend for themselves some of the time!! Good Luck!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

RobynF said:


> Joannacroc, thank you for your message. I am going to make more time where it's just my husband and I. I cannot be there for everybody anymore, there isn't enough of me.
> Thank you


Right on sister! That's step number 1. Now how will actually do that? I've been in your shoes and lemme tell ya, deciding to place self care above everyone else is one thing, actually doing it is a whole other thing!

So what are your thoughts on how to make your day about you and not about you taking care of everyone around you?

How will you cope with the guilt of saying no, or time to move out, or sorry to meals this week because I'm starting a new ...diet, exercise, mediation, yoga, book club.... how will you remind yourself that you have earned the right to what feels like selfishness?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, on these times you mention where your husband did something romantic, did you desire and have sex with him?

Life will always provide an infinite number of things to do, so you have to prioritize. Being "too busy" is a very common reason people give for not wanting sex -it and "I'm feeling poorly" are the to reasons my wife often gives. At least in my wife's case when you look carefully, it isn't really being too busy: a few nights ago she indicated she wanted to get to be early for sex, but somehow chores, facebook etc happened until she realized it had become too late. 

You marriage should be one of your top priorities. Other things, even caring for elderly in-laws should be lower priority. 

I think though that "too busy" isn't really the root cause - its that for some reason that is still mysterious you don't want sex with your husband. 

Again we may be missing something here, but it sounds like he is doing everything he can. (if not, please let us know what he isn't doing). 

His actions are very romantic - but they may also be a sign of someone who is making one last effort. Someone who is sure that they have done everything that they possibly could before leaving. He may not want to "threaten" by saying "if our sex life doesn't improve, I'll leave". Instead he may just tell you one day that he is very sorry but he is leaving. 

I was withing a few minutes of saying that to my wife of almost 25 years. Before I got there she said something that made me give her another chance - but once those words were spoken, it would have been over. I think it is immoral to threaten to leave in order to get sex, but I think its OK to leave because of a lack of sex. She has no idea that I was about to leave. I'd gone through the phase of telling her how important sex was to me, and then had done everything possible to be as romantic and loving as I could, without putting any pressure on her. It was my last attempt. 

I'm not blaming you, but you *need* to fix this or you may loose your "dream man" forever. I don't know him, but many people simply cannot enjoy a sexless romantic relationship. 

I've lost track in this thread of how often you actually have sex. If you don't find sex actively repulsive, then go have sex with this man you love. Have wild passionate sex 3X/week, do what he enjoys simply because he is a good man and you should enjoy making him happy. Or, if you cannot bring yourself to do that, then get to therapy immediately and tell your husband that you are doing that. 

You may have much less time than you think. Also if he is the good man that you describe, you should want to make him happy.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I think it might help to change the way you look at sex... 

It seems to me that it is a turn off in person because you are likely looking at it from the perspective of pleasing your husband. If that is the case, then it likely feels like just another responsibility, another chore. 

When you fantasize, it's not about pleasing your husband. It's not about "taking care" of someone else. It's about expressing and fulfilling the desire for sex. Your thoughts, when you fantasize, are always going to be about what you get out of it. What you want to feel, what you want to experience, etc. 

Even if you were to fantasize about blowing his mind in bed, it's still more about what you want to feel. Otherwise, it wouldn't arouse you. 

It might help to document what arouses you when you fantasize. What are the emotions that you feel in the fantasy? What do you get out of the fantasy?

If your husband is willing to work with you, and I imagine he is, you might try sharing some of these fantasies with him so that he can attempt to make them come true. Start with small things that he can do to please you, solely for the purpose of pleasing you.  Not for fulfilling his own needs. 

You likely started to get aroused when he took you away from home simply because it allowed you time to hang up the "caretaker" part of your personality. If you are constantly taking care of everyone, it can be pretty difficult to turn that part of you off. You will see everything as a job, everyone around you is to be cared for in some way. It's like that because that is what your brain is used to thinking. It's hard to just stop thinking like that when you are used to thinking that way. 

Do you fantasize about being cared for? 

Honestly, your fantasies are going to be your greatest source of insight into what is getting in the way.


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Ok, I haven't read all the messages completely. I had trouble logging g back in a 2nd time and had to get my password reset. When I got back was very upset by a comment and found so many comments, I just couldn't keep up.
Will try my best here to add everything in short...
When I got home to the valentine's trail in my house, yes, there was sex that night, but I was not 100 % into it. Excluding this sexually issue, our marriage is a very very happy one. I think we have had one serious argument in our 32 years together.
Ours is the type of relationship where we pick on each other constantly in a fun way to get reactions, we muck around, we make each laugh constantly. He tells me all time that he loves me, not suddenly, has done so for 32 years. He opens the car door for me, I run to get there first and he'll knock me out if the way... sometimes he will open the door and hold my head as he puts me in the car, as if he is a cop arresting somebody, we find these little things funny. But mainly he always opens doors for me and says "there you go *****cat". *****cat has become my 2nd name, even my friends and children call me that just because of my husband. There is no words to express the love I have for this man. He was very supportive and more when I was very sick for 2 years. My parents love him to bits. My mum said she could see how devastated he was when I was very sick.
I have no scars, nothing like that, no medication whatsoever from cancer... I have a very small mark on the side of my neck. My cancer was base of tongue, which is basically down your throat.
I have had 3 kids in a very fry short time. I think my sex drive started waning from then on very very slowly. 
I look after a household of 5 sometimes 6 adults + 2 elderly in laws who are over with us every night for dinner. I do tend to panic when I feel I don't have the right dinner ( for elderly in laws) stress I guess may have taken over a little with looking after everybody, looking after 2 exotic talking parrots, a dog and 2 cats, I think can do some damage to a sex drive.
When I have the urge and help myself which might be once in 3 or 4 months, I think of my husband, nobody else at all.
I was told a few things on here that I seriously had no idea about and that men need sex to show love, wheras women need love to give sex. I had no idea about this at all. I couldn't work out why my husband couldn't just sit there and cuddle without touching, now this makes sense to me.
I have thought about all these comments the past 2 days, yes I have to change and I am willing to do this. My marriage is a very long one and it is a super happy one regardless of this issue. We still hold hands when we go out. I've recently gotten into doing jigsaw puzzles. My son's girlfriend came home one Friday night to find my husband and I poring over a puzzle. She stood there saying "aweeee how cute".
Last night was the 1st time in a very long time that I was thinking of my husband and this time he was included. Happy to say it's the first in a very long time that I enjoyed us.
I need to understand men more in regards to sex because I did not know any of this. There is still a lot of work on my part. Some things have to change in my life for the sake of my husband and I. I'm just so looking forward to the day when the only person I have to look after is just him.
I noticed lately too that when I visit my parents, I sit there thinking how lucky she is now that she only has to worry about my dad, nobody else. That I have been doing the last few visits. I just want my husband and I.
We joke to the kids "when are you moving out ? " But I think deep down secretly, I mean it but I love my kids to bits.
I think I have covered what I can.
Thank you, long work ahead of me. And in answer to a comment above, yes I often fantasize about being cared for unconditionally. I'm tired of pleasing everybody now. I think I have an idea where these issues lie.
Robyn


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

@RobynF what you posted sounds very good - I think you have a a great husband and you really care about him. One comment - you said that you need to "understand more about men and sex". I think what you will find is that there is a huge range - so you don't need to learn about men, you need to learn about YOUR man. 

Its helpful to hear how other men think, but you will will hear a wide range of different feelings about sex - all true for the individuals who answer, but not all true about men in general.

Just my data point:
I have a great marriage - I met and first dated my wife in 1980, married in the late 80s. I love her dearly and she loves me. But - we have a bad sex life and nothing I can say will make her understand that. I need sex and intimacy to feel love - for me they are inseparable things. It seems natural to me that a romantic day should include touches and kisses, and cuddling on the sofa, and that should naturally lead to passionate sex. When that doesn't happen, to me it feels like rejection, not of sex but of love. Our otherwise wonderful marriage has always been poisoned by this - my love always tinged with resentment that she has prevented me from ever having a happy sex life. The feeling that it would take so little effort on her part to make me happy, but she won't do it. 

To her we have a wonderful marriage and I'm a fantastic husband. We have a great time together, though she is aware that I'm a bit spoiled and want sex all the time - but that of course there are more important things to do. Its not that she doesn't like sex, she just doesn't see why it should take precedence over important things.


Your husband may not think like this - he may be content with your sex life. Or he may be silently suffering, or even thinking of leaving


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I told my wife before we got married if she loved me she would always give me sex, as long as she was physically capable. I explained to her it was absolutely necessary. The day she turned me down without a good genuine reason I would know she no longer loved me. We've had an enthusiastic sex life for 43 years.

That's how men really think. Most men are too cowardly to say it.

You can put your relationship first without having anyone move out or away. Just stop catering to other people. All the people, including your in laws, you are caring for are probably capable of taking care of themselves. You do it, so they allow you to keep doing it. If you just stop doing it they would probably do fine. My mother is 91 and cooks most of her own meals. People in their 70's are spring chickens. I will probably still be working full time when I am 70.

Our youngest son has moved back into our home to go to college for a new career choice, he is 35, and he does more chores, including cooking, than my wife does. He gets free housing, so I think he should do a lot more than she does, and I have no problem making sure he is reminded of that.

My wife adds: Instead of a puzzle together, escape to your room and make out like teenagers. Well, our minds always go to sex before any other leisure activity. TV? Movies? Uh, no. But that's us. We really don't think anybody else is like us.

We wish you luck. You have to work to make it happen. But, you have to work to make it happen.


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## RobynF (Apr 19, 2017)

Thank you very much for the last few messages to my latest post.
I will also have to work very very hard on my poor body image but what I can say at the moment is THANK GOD WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OUT !!
Thank you,
Robyn


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Robyn fight those neurotic thoughts! Fight them do not let them rob you of enjoying something fantastic! We are in our 50's and will never have the bodies we once had but that doesn't mean our bodies aren't beautiful. Is your husband Mr Perfect hardbody? Does he have a full head of hair? Doubt it. So what are you worried about?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

One other thing. When he says he thinks you are beautiful, believe him! He means it - you are beautiful in his eyes, and those are the eyes that matter. 




RobynF said:


> Thank you very much for the last few messages to my latest post.
> I will also have to work very very hard on my poor body image but what I can say at the moment is THANK GOD WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OUT !!
> Thank you,
> Robyn


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

uhtred said:


> One other thing. When he says he thinks you are beautiful, believe him! He means it - you are beautiful in his eyes, and those are the eyes that matter.


This! :smthumbup:


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@RobynF my W and I realize that we still look amazing lying down in bed. Gravity and age catch up when we're on our feet, but laying down can make the years melt away. So don't evaluate yourself standing. Put on something comfortable but feminine, use the underwire if you need it, and realize that you will look splendid to him

Allow yourself to relax and leave the pressures of the day behind. It's hard to become aroused with all you have going on. Maybe read a flirty or trashy book or magazine.

I'm not suggesting you'll magically be filled with desire this way, but I do believe you'll have more access to any sexual feelings that might be lurking if you can turn off the outside.

My w and I got into a long rut - until I finally disrupted our relationship and made completely clear I wouldn't hide my sexuality from her any longer. I told her my needs are for daily sex and we eventually went from very inconsistent sex to daily sex. And we've been together for over 3 decades. So change can occur. And if you're lucky, in pleasing your H you will find you begin to enjoy it more than you thought. Now we are so much more emotionally close.

It's worth thinking less and going through the motions more to give it a chance. I believe you love your H and I believe you'll be pleased when you see him so much more happy in this part of your relationship. So I guess I'm saying it may not be as hard as you think


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@RobynF it may come as a surprise to you but I suspect your husband feels very lonely. Just like women need that intimate emotional moments, that connection to feel close to their spouse. Some call it romance but I think it is more, really it's the reassurance that you are the most important thing in his life. It's knowing that he gets it. Right? 

A man's wife offering her body to him in sex is exactly like that to a him. For him this feels like you saying. I want to give myself to you and I trust you. This is the most intimate part of me and I am sharing that with you because you are the most important thing in my life. It creates a strong bond in men to their wives. 

Your story makes me sad because it sounds like your husband is such a good man, and it is obvious that you love him. I don't want to hurt your feelings when I say this but it's obvious that you love him but you don't trust him. You don't trust him enough to believe him when he says he loves your body. That's kind of sad. 

I am going to ask you one other thing. Are you really too busy that you can't prioritize this a little bit for this? Or is that really an excuse because you are scared? What if you take the chance and it's true, you start having the same kind of love making that you did when you were younger and felt in great shape. What it it turns out that he really loves you and it is a lot more then if you put on 20 pounds or aged 10 years. What if he is just as passionate. Imagine what your relationship will be like then, sounds like its good now, but what if you find the courage, start making it a point to do this for him, and he shows you that he is just as attracted to you as when you first met. How much would that realization bring to your life. How much better would your sex life and just your general life be with the knowledge that your husband just loves you, thinks you're sexy warts and all. Plus if you make it point to enjoy the sex too then you really are winning. 

You should be courageous for your husband and your marriage.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

RobynF - I learned to cook starting at age 10. My grandmother would sit at the kitchen table & tell me what to do. She was not able to stand very long at a time. Your kids are in their 20's. You need to tell them to to start pulling their own weight. If the girlfriend is there, she can do some laundry.

Here is a sure fire way to start repairing your marriage in a hurry.

1. Go get a nightie that is crotchless, with no covering over your breasts.
2. Book a hotel room with a hot tub in the room.
3. Tell your husband you need him to take a day off from work.
4. Tell the kids they need to be home to take care of in-laws.
5. Pick up some pizza from the national chain of "Pizza Pizza"
6. Drop off pizza for kids to eat.
7. Take hubby to hotel room, tell him to get down there & start lickin.

In the past few years, my wife & I came to brink of divorce. This last weekend, my wife surprised me with the nightie. I opened the bedroom door & got a deer in headlights look. Dam she looked good!!! She is over 50 and mother of 3 kids. She still gets my blood boiling.

By the time we got done, I could not form coherent sentences. Mind totally blown with great sex.

Your kids will eventually leave, especially if the nest is not too comfortable.
Your husband has put you first, time to tell others NO and focus on your marriage.

As I posted earlier, read some of the posts, especially this one - https://forgivenwife.com/the-other-side-of-the-wall/#more-7964

People make time for what they consider important. They make efforts for who they think is important. My wife brought tears to my eyes this weekend. GO TAKE YOUR HUSBANDS BREATH AWAY!!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> RobynF - I learned to cook starting at age 10. My grandmother would sit at the kitchen table & tell me what to do. She was not able to stand very long at a time. Your kids are in their 20's. You need to tell them to to start pulling their own weight. If the girlfriend is there, she can do some laundry.
> 
> Here is a sure fire way to start repairing your marriage in a hurry.
> 
> ...


Lucky Bastard


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Thound said:


> Lucky Bastard


I used to think the same thing about some other posters on TAM. It's been a hard road, just glad to be able to enjoy being with my wife.

Part that confuses, (and pisses me off), is I had to lose the calm demeanor and get in her face, and let her see I was ready to walk before she addressed her baggage issues. Every time prior she resisted dealing with it.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I used to think the same thing about some other posters on TAM. It's been a hard road, just glad to be able to enjoy being with my wife.
> 
> Part that confuses, (and pisses me off), is I had to lose the calm demeanor and get in her face, and let her see I was ready to walk before she addressed her baggage issues. Every time prior she resisted dealing with it.


Nothing worthwhile comes easy. Well maybe some things do, but it sounded good


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I used to think the same thing about some other posters on TAM. It's been a hard road, just glad to be able to enjoy being with my wife.
> 
> Part that confuses, (and pisses me off), is I had to lose the calm demeanor and get in her face, and let her see I was ready to walk before she addressed her baggage issues. Every time prior she resisted dealing with it.


I get why it would piss you off and confuse you...but if she did address her issues, then please just work with it. And keep working with it.

What a gift you have received, that she opened up to working on her issues at all. And she did this because she knew that you are the best thing that has happened to her and she doesn't want to jeopardize it.

What if she had reacted like "oh well, go ahead and walk"? I promise you, that would have hurt a whole lot more than knowing she only started working on it when you had one foot out the door.

I actually haven't heard of any sexless situations that worked themselves out without an ultimatum being delivered, and an honest one, not just a threat. It seems like this is the only way to truly light that fire under a spouse's ass. If that ultimatum doesn't light a fire, the marriage is doomed.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I get why it would piss you off and confuse you...but if she did address her issues,* then please just work with it.* And keep working with it.
> 
> What a gift you have received, that she opened up to working on her issues at all. And she did this because she knew that you are the best thing that has happened to her and she doesn't want to jeopardize it.
> 
> ...


I don't show my anger and am working on letting it go. It's getting better all the time. I already have discussed with her, she is workin on it, so I try to leave it alone.

I agree with your last line. I had the paperwork filled out. Had she said "No, I won't talk to counselor", I would have filed the next day the attorney was in the office.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP all I can say is that if you truly love your husband and cherish your marriage, then you better lose your complacency and work on your issues. He may be fine for now but believe me he WILL start resenting it. And then you will have no marriage.


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## Tyvinjoot (Jul 13, 2017)

A key component is a testosterone. As a woman, you don't have enough juice to grow a goatee or develop a burning desire for an Xbox 360; but the amount you do have plays a role in your sex drive, especially just before ovulation (when you're most likely to get pregnant). Every month at mid-cycle, women's brains signal their ovaries, which create 50 percent of the body's testosterone, to produce a surge of the lust-stimulating stuff.

Testosterone also initiates blood flow that causes your girly parts to become plump and sensitive. This leads to lubrication and, with any luck, one hell of an orgasm (according to Hormones and Behavior, Canadian researchers report that women with higher levels of testosterone climax more often than those with lower hormone levels.)


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

DayOne said:


> I think it would be more accurate to say she DOES care about her husband, and his needs. But something, which she has yet to find, is holding her back. And that undiscovered issue is causing her a great deal of pain, and guilt. She KNOWS, logically, that sex is important, but emotionally there is a road block. One she would like to surmount.
> 
> So banging out words such as "you do not seem to care" and "angry" and "unreasonable" are the opposite of what she needs.
> 
> It's already been established that her skin isn't thick enough to withstand the TAM jury. So lets dial it back and think of ways to help, rather than hinder her.


oh I get it. kid gloves not honest opinions that might actually help.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> RobynF - I learned to cook starting at age 10. My grandmother would sit at the kitchen table & tell me what to do. She was not able to stand very long at a time. Your kids are in their 20's. You need to tell them to to start pulling their own weight. If the girlfriend is there, she can do some laundry.
> 
> Here is a sure fire way to start repairing your marriage in a hurry.
> 
> ...


I thought the train had gone off the rails at #5... until I saw in #6 that the cheap pizza was for the kids! Nicely done.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I thought the train had gone off the rails at #5... until I saw in #6 that the cheap pizza was for the kids! Nicely done.




This is an older thread but wth? Her kids are grown adults. They want food then they know where the store is at. No wonder OP feels like sex with husband is just another responsibility. She had kids in rapid succession and hasn't allowed herself to recover 20+ years down the road. 

It is time for "Mommy" to hang up her apron and become the sex kitten her husband has tried to nice her to become.


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## Where there's a will (Feb 10, 2014)

You are possibly using the wrong words in the title. To love someone means you want the best for them, you want to please them and you will find ways to meet their needs....this is especially true when it comes to sex. It sometimes has to be an act of the will rather than an act of the emotions in order to achieve love, this does not sit well with Western thinking because we define reality through our emotions. The want to please another must be greater than the perceived cost.


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