# Her flirty dm's after we were official



## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Wife and I have been married 6 years.

Discovered some old messages to a roommate of hers. I know they liked each other but never dated. I was sorting some old phones. One of them still had her Facebook so curiosity got the best of me.

After we had moved in together I noticed her old roommate texted her about a friend of hers that had been staying there (for free) and they wanted her out. But what jumped out at me was there were some messages sent to him that show interest on her part, starting messages with Dear, and signing off with xoxo or xoxoxoxo ;--) The content of the messeges was only about the rent but xoxo to roommate??? Women reading this, would you say that to someone you weren't romantically interested in? This is whilst we are exclusive and living with each other. I also noticed that this was not reciprocated from him, just a few smilies back etc but no heart emojies etc.

I can't help but feel like she was still into this guy and chose me as a second choice. People can say "well she's with you and that's all that matters" but now I feel like she wanted him. If I received messeges like that as a guy it tells me she's into me. What gets to me is that a month prior, whilst still dating and non-exclusive she learns that I was texting another girl. We argued and ultimately chose to become exclusive with each other a few days later.

I know this may not seem serious compared to many of the stories around here, but knowing she showed feelings toward him after we were living together has really hurt. Don't really know what I'm asking here, should I bring this up with her? Move on with this emotional baggage?

Thanks for reading.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

How soon after being exclusive and we’re you engaged ?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kiki123 said:


> Wife and I have been married 6 years.
> 
> Discovered some old messages to a roommate of hers. I know they liked each other but never dated. I was sorting some old phones. One of them still had her Facebook so curiosity got the best of me.
> 
> ...


I think if she’s been a good wife for 6 years, you’re just bringing pain on yourself. However, you also need to be practical and realize that you’re not the only man out there and remember to water and fertilize your grass and hopefully you’ll never have anything to worry about. What you’ve seen isn’t that damning to me, especially since, if I read the timeline correctly, you hadn’t had the exclusive talk yet.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Kiki123 said:


> Wife and I have been married 6 years.
> 
> Discovered some old messages to a roommate of hers. I know they liked each other but never dated. I was sorting some old phones. One of them still had her Facebook so curiosity got the best of me.
> 
> ...


It is possible those flirty DM's were just mood uppers for her when she was feeling down. 
You'd have to have the context of them to properly catagorize them. 
If she's been a good wife, they carry less weight with her than you're giving them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kiki123 said:


> Wife and I have been married 6 years.
> 
> Discovered some old messages to a roommate of hers. I know they liked each other but never dated. I was sorting some old phones. One of them still had her Facebook so curiosity got the best of me.
> 
> ...


Does she (or did she at the time) use the xoxoxo with anyone else, or just him? That's your answer. You have her old phone, so go through the other chats if needed.


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> How soon after being exclusive and we’re you engaged ?


I would say at least 2 months after being exclusive. Not engaged but living together.


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think if she’s been a good wife for 6 years, you’re just bringing pain on yourself. However, you also need to be practical and realize that you’re not the only man out there and remember to water and fertilize your grass and hopefully you’ll never have anything to worry about. What you’ve seen isn’t that damning to me, especially since, if I read the timeline correctly, you hadn’t had the exclusive talk yet.


We were definitely exclusive at the time. It's true this is bringing pain. Have felt sick to my stomach since reading the messages.


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

jonty30 said:


> It is possible those flirty DM's were just mood uppers for her when she was feeling down.
> You'd have to have the context of them to properly catagorize them.
> If she's been a good wife, they carry less weight with her than you're giving them.


Could be. I know we were not without arguements.


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

bobert said:


> Does she (or did she at the time) use the xoxoxo with anyone else, or just him? That's your answer. You have her old phone, so go through the other chats if needed.


Can't see her use that with anyone besides me and him. But a long xoxoxoxoxo ;---) to him, that's unusual even to me. From what I can see on the platforms I have access to, looks like an isolated case. This "may" be her way of expressing friendly banter, but knowing her, I doubt it. I'll skim over some other chats to be sure.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think I would just leave it be. It was a new start and you say you were having a few arguments. Maybe she was unsure. I wouldn’t open that box up with her but that is just me. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have thought much about it if I were in your shoes.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think if she’s been a good wife for 6 years, you’re just bringing pain on yourself. However, you also need to be practical and realize that you’re not the only man out there and remember to water and fertilize your grass and hopefully you’ll never have anything to worry about. What you’ve seen isn’t that damning to me, especially since, if I read the timeline correctly, you hadn’t had the exclusive talk yet.


I agree with Evinrude58, even though you were already living together.

This happened six years ago, so bringing it up to her now will likely get you no where. If someone asked me about something like that six years later, I would have no memory of it. If you must talk to her about it, simply let her know that the xoxo should be reserved for close female friends, family, and you. But, since he was a roommate, she may have felt like he was her family, so that would be something to consider about why and also something she might want to think about in terms of boundaries. Would she send him xoxo today? Doubtful. You could ask her and let her know that you don't think it's appropriate. But don't expect a lot, because, like I said, she probably doesn't remember it and would have no way to tell you what she meant or what she was thinking. Stay away from accusations of any kind. Any conversation you have with her about this should be informational and marriage building.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> I agree with Evinrude58, even though you were already living together.
> 
> This happened six years ago, so bringing it up to her now will likely get you no where. If someone asked me about something like that six years later, I would have no memory of it. If you must talk to her about it, simply let her know that the xoxo should be reserved for close female friends, family, and you. But, since he was a roommate, she may have felt like he was her family, so that would be something to consider about why and also something she might want to think about in terms of boundaries. Would she send him xoxo today? Doubtful. You could ask her and let her know that you don't think it's appropriate. But don't expect a lot, because, like I said, she probably doesn't remember it and would have no way to tell you what she meant or what she was thinking. Stay away from accusations of any kind. Any conversation you have with her about this should be informational and marriage building.


I would, pr, go by the content vs the xxxooo.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Cynthia said:


> This happened six years ago, so bringing it up to her now will likely get you no where. If someone asked me about something like that six years later, I would have no memory of it. If you must talk to her about it, simply let her know that the xoxo should be reserved for close female friends, family, and you. But, since he was a roommate, she may have felt like he was her family, so that would be something to consider about why and also something she might want to think about in terms of boundaries. Would she send him xoxo today? Doubtful. You could ask her and let her know that you don't think it's appropriate. But don't expect a lot, because, like I said, she probably doesn't remember it and would have no way to tell you what she meant or what she was thinking. Stay away from accusations of any kind. Any conversation you have with her about this should be informational and marriage building.


If she was cheating or doing something that she knew was wrong, she most likely _would_ remember it. That's more memorable but, if that's the case, there is a good chance she would lie about remembering it so...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Megaforce said:


> I would, pr, go by the content vs the xxxooo.


Yes. My post was based on the context of the messages. There was nothing flirty in the messages. If there were, my response would be entirely different.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

has there been ANY sexy communications between the two after you got married? if not, i would let it slide.
if after you were married, she was still flirting with him, yeah that is serious and you should discuss it with her


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why are you really here? There’s something you’re not saying.
What’s bothering you about your marriage?
Could you take your wife out for a nice dinner and have a great time together? Would she jump your bones when you got home?
Is she acting distant? Guarding her phone?
What’s going on?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How has she been as a wife and partner so far? Any signs of flakiness? You may be right - she may have had feelings for him and these may still linger on. She probably needs to break contact completely with him for these to go away. You need to ask yourself why she picked you and then married you. Also how has the relationship been so far. Other are right in thinking that there is something more going on here in your mind. I agree that the extended hugs and kisses are a red flag but there must be something else going on to amplify this. Has she shown any signs of flirtiness with other men? this particular man?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kiki123 said:


> Can't see her use that with anyone besides me and him. But a long xoxoxoxoxo ;---) to him, that's unusual even to me. From what I can see on the platforms I have access to, looks like an isolated case. This "may" be her way of expressing friendly banter, but knowing her, I doubt it. I'll skim over some other chats to be sure.


She is not still friends with him or FB friends? Any new messages.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> It is possible those flirty DM's were just mood uppers for her when she was feeling down.
> You'd have to have the context of them to properly catagorize them.
> If she's been a good wife, they carry less weight with her than you're giving them.


This still doesn’t excuse her texting this guy. She got pissed about OP texting a girl before they were exclusive. Then she turns around a couple months later after they were exclusive flirting with the guy. It proves she is a hypocrite. Also, if it was for emotional support, she cheated emotionally. Granted the guy she flirted with didn’t return the jesters. She still turned to another guy for emotional support.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Kiki123, I would call her out on this. Start by bringing up her getting pissed at you for texting the girl. Then ask if she had flirting with a guy once the two of you were exclusive. Any texts signed off with xoxoxoxoxo. See if she admits to it or not. Tell her what you found out. Then discuss boundaries that both of you follow for the relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Double post


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> She is not still friends with him or FB friends? Any new messages.


No new messeges that I can see.


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why are you really here? There’s something you’re not saying.
> What’s bothering you about your marriage?
> Could you take your wife out for a nice dinner and have a great time together? Would she jump your bones when you got home?
> Is she acting distant? Guarding her phone?
> What’s going on?


Our marriage has not been without problems, first child put TREMENDOUS strain on us. We almost divorced more than once. We had issues in the bedroom that I almost left the marriage. Mismatch libido or her just not interested in sex as much. I showed her affection, prioritised her before myself in the bedroom but felt it wasnt reciprocated. We sought councelling and we are doing so much better now, I think we have grown together over the last 2 years. I take care of myself, fit gym goer entire relationship. She uses her phone ALL the time not secretive, just borderline addicted to it, will be on her phone when I go down on her for example. She never, "jumps my bones" don't think she ever initiated tbh. But sex is 2_3 times a week. We do date nights maybe 2 or 3 times a year where we stay in fancy hotel just the 2 of us. I buy her flowers almost every week, house work IS MOST DEFINITELY split if not more my side.


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> has there been ANY sexy communications between the two after you got married? if not, i would let it slide.
> if after you were married, she was still flirting with him, yeah that is serious and you should discuss it with her


No messeges at all from what I can see.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ABHale said:


> This still doesn’t excuse her texting this guy. She got pissed about OP texting a girl before they were exclusive. Then she turns around a couple months later after they were exclusive flirting with the guy. It proves she is a hypocrite. Also, if it was for emotional support, she cheated emotionally. Granted the guy she flirted with didn’t return the jesters. She still turned to another guy for emotional support.


I'm not excusing her in the least. I'm just looking at the over all picture.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kiki123 said:


> Our marriage has not been without problems, first child put TREMENDOUS strain on us. We almost divorced more than once. We had issues in the bedroom that I almost left the marriage. Mismatch libido or her just not interested in sex as much. I showed her affection, prioritised her before myself in the bedroom but felt it wasnt reciprocated. We sought councelling and we are doing so much better now, I think we have grown together over the last 2 years. I take care of myself, fit gym goer entire relationship. She uses her phone ALL the time not secretive, just borderline addicted to it, will be on her phone when I go down on her for example. She never, "jumps my bones" don't think she ever initiated tbh. But sex is 2_3 times a week. We do date nights maybe 2 or 3 times a year where we stay in fancy hotel just the 2 of us. I buy her flowers almost every week, house work IS MOST DEFINITELY split if not more my side.


I’d read “no more Mr Nice Guy”……
It might be of benefit to you. You bring flowers, do housework more than her, are the giving one in the bedroom……
Dude, why are you going down on her while she stays on the phone???? Definitely you seem like a nice guy and that’s not a compliment. 
This seems to be a one sided relationship.

What does she contribute? What does she do to show her love for you?


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Just brought it up with her, in non confrontational way. She expressed it was a long time ago and couldn't remember the details. I gave her dates and she no doubt has clarified what I'm talking about. The discussion did bring up some old wounds and low points in our marriage, but it feels better to get it off my chest. She has never cheated. I used this as an opportunity to set clear boundaries on this unacceptable behaviour. Let's hope we can move on from this, there is now a zero tolerance policy for wayward texts to old crushes..


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kiki123 said:


> Just brought it up with her, in non confrontational way. She expressed it was a long time ago and couldn't remember the details. I gave her dates and she no doubt has clarified what I'm talking about. The discussion did bring up some old wounds and low points in our marriage, but it feels better to get it off my chest. She has never cheated. I used this as an opportunity to set clear boundaries on this unacceptable behaviour. Let's hope we can move on from this, there is now a zero tolerance policy for wayward texts to old crushes..


I’ve got to ask how you know she’s never cheated and what this no tolerance policy consists of as far as consequences.


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d read “no more Mr Nice Guy”……
> It might be of benefit to you. You bring flowers, do housework more than her, are the giving one in the bedroom……
> Dude, why are you going down on her while she stays on the phone???? Definitely you seem like a nice guy and that’s not a compliment.
> This seems to be a one sided relationship.
> ...


Thank you, and I agree with this post entirely. She wants to build a future with me. Planning for our future on a daily basis. She takes the lead with our childrens schooling and learning and I'm so grateful for that. What energy is left she tries to give to me. She is level headed when it comes to our finances (we both work, I'm the breadwinner but for 2 of those years she earned more).


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ve got to ask how you know she’s never cheated and what this no tolerance policy consists of as far as consequences.


Good point. I don't.

Our schedules simply don't allow for that kind of flexibility. We have 2 young kids. We spend most of our availabile time together outside of work. There has never been any dramatic shift in her feelings towards me. Also the searching through her phone didnt bring up any further suspicions. Of course we can hide our tracks, it's just my observation.

Zero telerance implies separation. We have been close before, it would hurt a lot to do that to our kids. But as I said earlier, outside of this discovery our marriage has definitely been getting stronger over the last 2 years.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Kiki123 said:


> Good point. I don't.
> 
> Our schedules simply don't allow for that kind of flexibility. We have 2 young kids. We spend most of our availabile time together outside of work. There has never been any dramatic shift in her feelings towards me. Also the searching through her phone didnt bring up any further suspicions. Of course we can hide our tracks, it's just my observation.


If her level of affection towards you has not taken a change over the course of a relationship, that's a good sign.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

That is one thing I would have never done. You initiate and she stays on her phone? Damn.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Kiki123 said:


> She uses her phone ALL the time not secretive, just borderline addicted to it, will be on her phone when I go down on her for example.


WFT? She is reading her PHONE while you are giving her oral sex? SERIOUSLY?
WTF.
I would stop immediately and leave the room/house. That is BS.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Trust but verify.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> WFT? She is reading her PHONE while you are giving her oral sex? SERIOUSLY?
> WTF.
> I would stop immediately and leave the room/house. That is BS.


reading her phone?
Or watching PORN on the phone!

i could easily see the later


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## Kiki123 (Jan 30, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> reading her phone?
> Or watching PORN on the phone!
> 
> i could easily see the later


When I'm not around maybe. But during the act I assure you it's not porn.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

I don't know.....it was six years ago, you are married, you both were younger. I guess I am thinking you have some deep reason for thinking you were a second choice. I do agree xoxoxo is not a usual closing for a woman unless there is some affectionate relationship. I would not use it with any man other than one I was interested in, but I am a rather reserved woman. Some women emote. Only you know if that is true about your wife. IF you bring it up to her, I think you have to tread lightly. If you ask her and she denies it, you will be analyzing her behavior to determine if she is lying, which will torment you more than you are now. If she confesses, can you put it behind you or will you trust her less?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> reading her phone?
> Or watching PORN on the phone!
> 
> i could easily see the later


It's still BS unless there is complete agreement between the two of them while he is doing the oral sex.
And anyway, REALLY? She is off watching porn instead of being in the moment with her H?
That sort of detachment is something I would never put up with.


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