# I think I win the crazy :)



## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

Evening all, 

Wanted to let you all know I've found some interesting advice here while going thru a divorce from , what I think is a really crazy wife.... I'd like all of your opinions on how to label my situation

US AS A COUPLE : I'm 40 shes 34 - We match physically and im more "established" financially... ie if you saw us you'd think we're a "match".. she was married once... ended because he didn't want kids... me never married, but had bought a ring before 

LIFE DURING OUR MARRIAGE - Basically perfect.... no real fights, decent sex life, lots of hand holding, kissing, cuddly dovey stuff... I did the man stuff around the house ie trash, fixing stuff and did plenty of it, she did some light housekeeping and we pretty much shared meal prep... we talked about our relationship, went on little trips, date nights, all of that

MY WORK : I keep my office out of my home with the occasional trip, she was similar however she travels 2-3 days a week.

FIANCNES : We aren't "rich" but I make over 100k regular and don't have a ton of debt... ie money was never an real issue or sticking point... plus we where both frugal in general

Ok first year and a half.... pretty much nice... no big fights, heck rarely even a disagreement of any great size ... then around June / July of this year shes gone a little more often than usual... I give her a ring when shes gone.... Now keep in mind I wasn't the type to call all the time.... pretty much if she was out of town it was a hey give me a ring before you go to bed to let me know your ok thing.... anyway.... She basically gives me a none of your business attitude..... now this was a 1st... now the story gets interesting

At this point I'm , well suspicious to say the least.... complete attitude change...and shes gone for 4 days not the usual 2-3 .... anyway... I go turn on the laptop, and take a look... and sure enough photos , emails and texts between her and to my surprise 30-40 guys..... I discover she had a full on BF since the day we where married, and shes planning a trip with another one the following week...... needless to saw a bit of shock there  Up until this point I thought things where "ok" granted I knew my wife was flirty.... but this was ridiculous.. I mena she had to be on every sugar darting, cougar hookup site there ever was.... and she was reaching out to them... and doing it since day one of the marriage.... Oh did I mention... SHE PUSHED FOR MARRIAGE - I thought we'd date / be engaged for a year more..... ( we meet and got married almost exactly 1 year from the day we meet )

So we have the "talk" no yelling and screaming... just firm... she cries, says shell be a good girls, etc.etc... I say, OK but I want all the email passwords and such, she agrees.... I follow up on her for a few weeks... things seem to be ok... and we're back to "normal" I stop my follow up and we just live... I figure **** if I cant trust her... whats the point... plus I told her she was going to fail again int the future... she of course said no.. I said hon... this level of cheating doesn't fix itself overnight.... but when you feel tempted let me know... and lets see what we can do... I actually surprised my self with my level of calm during this ****storm... I mean she had a full on affair for the 1st year of our marriage, dated dozens of others and was setting up full time BF #2....any way

Come October... she gets a bit fishy again... I say ok.... time to check up on her.. I go to login with the info she gave me... sure enough everything changed.... I go to one of the many dating sites and sure enough find her... and look SHES ONLINE NOW - I create a profile, call it Catch my cheating wife.... and IM her...... lol ..... I then text her and say, hey whats up... I like your profile... of course she says what profile.. I say the one your on now.... she texts me some misc stuff on other things... and while we're talking I see the photos gone and the description change.... WOW what a coincidence 

Well this time I'm pissed... she comes home... but brings her mom with to , well cover her ass..... IE she knew I wouldnt have some big talk with her while her mom was here.... Her mom who is no dummy figures some **** out... and the next morning she tells my wife and her daughter that shes a horrible wife and why are you treating this good man like this, etc.etc...

Ok.... after the mom leaves the next day... I sit the wife down and say, ok.... do you want to be my wife or not ? NO answer.... WOW .... ok I say ok you have 15 minutes to come up with an answer...... I walk away and go to my home office... well 2 minutes later her mom calls and asks if I'm throwing her out... I said heck no.... just asked my wife if she was my wife or not.... if she wasn't, well we'd go from there.

LOL

Ok, next day.... we talk in the morning I say, listen I knew you where going to mess up again..... why didn't you tell me... she said oh she wasn't ****ing nay of these guys... just doing a study of how men work..... WOW what a good answer  .... I then say ok well you need to give me the passwords again and lets see where it goes.... well she gives me the ***** eye and says NO that's my private business.... I'm like WTF ... are you kidding its YOUR BUSINESS.... dating other men while we're married is OUR BUSINESS  .... well this time I get pissed.. I yell, I break a chair...... basically just slammed it on the floor... I calm down pretty quick, feel like an ass for breaking a chair.... then proceed to apologize... but said hun.... I got so mad, because, well look at what your doing... since the day we where married you've had multiple boyfreinds... and now your saying no to me checking up on you ? etc.etc... she says ok and promises to be a good girl again.... I say... OK ... but this time I'm not soo trusting.... takes us a few weeks to get on the mend again.... 

Now, thanksgiving rolls around... we seem to be OK ... fragile but ok... the next day I go to help a relative with some Xmas decorations..... gone for maybe 5-6 hours... come home and the wife is gone and so is all her stuff.... well I'm well SHOCKED - I'm like wtf.. .your leaving me ? Plus, I kind of got hooked on our nice day to day married life.... it really was very pleasant....

Anyway.... I get a hold of her... and she says shes done... shes sorry , I was a good man, blah blah blah..... anyway.. I go into a depression for a while..... trying to figure out what just happened... even though it was obvious.... my wife loved our pleasant little white picket fence life... but she loved the attention of other men... and this time she knew I was going to not be so lazy about checking up on her... so she picked her other life.....and after about 3 calls... no more talking... and keep in mind on turkey day ( the day before she vanishes )shes the same "perfect" wife... holding my hand , stroking my hair, sucking my nuts off when we get home 

A few other background notes : 

FACEBOOK - I've never been a FB person.... but come to find out she had nothing but photos of her and other guys on it.... and was always listed as single

FRIENDS : Other than a few, ie the ones I meet.... no one else knew she was married

RINGS : Come to find out as soon as she left the house they came off

Now a month goes buy...no real contact except some legal stuff... and the 1st week or two some random conversations.... but pretty much the door was closed

I go to her and say hey... listen before we make this "official" lets sit down or even just talk on the phone one more time and see what if anything is there.... maybe were friends maybe where not, maybe we work something out, maybe not..... well for 2 weeks she puts me off... saying how hard life is , how hard she has to work, etc.etc... Now keep in mind her Mother is calling me on a regular basis telling me to somehow try to get her daughter back because shes driving her crazy  ... her life isn't hard, shes got free rent, food and her moms paying for everything... anywho... she keeps giving me these sob stories as to why she cant talk.... After her last sob story... which for some reason she thinks I believe... I write back in a polite way.... Listen hun.... please don't insult my intelligence with these sob stories.. I know its not that hard, you have a good place to live, plenty of food , your still going out for fun , etc.etc.... I then proceed to say.. listen if you want to talk lets talk... lets have a real NO BS open talk before the divorce is "official" .... Now keep in mind this is the first time I ever called her on her BS since she left.. ie I'm looking for that last little bit of closure.. I mean this sutff seems bat**** crazy to mean

Well I get back a one line email

**** YOU ! I'll never talk to you again ... to me that meant, DAMM hes not going by the oh feel sorry for me thing so **** it I'm done 

As I examine what just happened to me I have been trying to figure out what to call this woman

WALK AWAY WIFE - Obviously.... but those tend to come a little later in a marriage and usually the marriage is dying... ie the women change a bit... she was the same the day before she left as the day we got engaged... after a little longer I could see where she got distant... but damm she had a full on BF the day of our marriage 

SERIAL CHEATER : Well duh.... After all of this I find out since the day we where engaged till the day she left she had multiple FULL ON BF's .and she wanst even 100% faithful to them .. however she only seemed to be ****ing one other person besides me at a time..... the rest where just dates

NARCISSIST : She seems to fit the mold..... however she doesn't seem outright vengeful... I mean on the money side, she never asked for much of anything and the divorce is not being contested by her at all... granted we had a prenup

Other items of interest... .she never complained... and I would fairly regular.. not every week mind you.. say .. hey am I doing anything that annoys you.... she would usually say no... the only thing she ever really wanted me to do was to wear slippers in the house and not my regular shoes... easy enough.. and if I smoked I do it outside or in the basement... again easy enough to fix... Basically all in all she hated conflict of any kind.. Oh one other note... during all of the the past 6 months we had been trying to have a baby.... LOL

Now, I know I may be portraying myself as some "great" guy... Nah, I'm not perfect i know it..but I was a decnet husband... offered and took her on trips, we went out regular, was handy around the house, we hugged and cuddled regular, had a decent sex life, never really argued.. if she had a complaint or something I resolved it and probed a little more blah blah blah .. I knew she had some man issues I knew she was generally flirty... I also gave her her space.... I had a time in my life when I was a player... and I dated plenty of players as well ..... So I gave her "space" never really checked up on her hard... maybe i should have earlier.... but most women hate it when your too fing clingy or possessive.... And you know its bad when her mother, my mother in law says.... You ( the husband ) are the luckiest man in the world to be rid of her... she was just awful.... I've become more of a shrink to her mom who is now trying to figure out who her daughter is... oh one other note I was faithful this entire time.... I had offers... wish I took them... but I said nah, your married now... Be a good husband and look forward to the golden years

And in all reality, if you had come to our house any day of the week, you would have seen a pretty nice thing going on... my family was shocked by all of this... some even didn't believe me till I showed them the emails and pictures  .... that's how real it seemed.... especially to me.... and again I noticed no real change her her from the day we where married

So, good community... Let me know what kind of label you would put on this thing... and for those of you going thru a **** storm... IT GETS BETTER ... sure I'll have a knot in my stomach for a good long while and during Xmas , damm it sucked..... In many ways I was glad it was "over" I mean come on the level of cheating was stupid crazy... but I was blinded by how nice everything was at home.. I mean she went out of her way to be nice....

But it still sucked, hard.....

Thoughts questions let me know... a lot of what I read on this board helped me to put some labels on things that helped


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Wow. Talk about blindsided. Sounds like she's definitely looney tunes . 

At least you're getting out while you're relatively young and there are no children involved. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Serial cheater with a sex addiction. Move on-you don't need her and you shouldn't want her.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

Oh yeah I'm moving on... surprised I'm mostly there already.... the thing that messed me up was the perfect home life.... I could see If I was a drunken ass, if she was a cold distant ***** while we where married...... that was the hard part... my brain got the blue screen of death when it happened 

The things that sucks is that I'll be mis trustful of women for a good long time


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

You'll get over it eventually. One thing I've learned is never give anyone 100% trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

You should be glad to be out of that mess. Too much drama. Good story-telling, though. I usually don't read posts that long.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Wow...that kept my attention the whole time. You need to sell that one to Hollywood.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

It sounds like you were the only person married in your marriage. You describe things as ok and placid and defend with material reasons. Those are flags of denial and would require more introspection if you're really looking for greater meaning out of any of this.

Regardless, you're far far better off without her. It seems like you know it.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I think you already know what to label her behavior - bat**** crazy and nice. People can be both; I've lived it too. Sounds like she has serious daddy issues but regardless obviously you're much better off. Imagine living that crazy cycle for the next 40 years. One of you would've ended up in a wood chipper.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

The upside is no kids. I have a friend who found out her husband also had a girlfriend at the time they got married. Divorced 6 months after the wedding. I didn't realize that may be a common thing?


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I really don't get why people get married while they are cheating. My husband did the same thing. Cheated while we were engaged (didn't find out until after we were married), and cheated while we were married. I stayed 17 months until last November. We should have the final divorce court date soon.
There is a major character flaw going on with your wife. She is not gong to change. She has proven that. Concentrate on yourself. Stay the hell away from her. RUN RUN RUN


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sounds like my former foster father (he told me everything, I was his confessional, but not on his playlist) and probably the guy I last dated who I was also going to work for. I didn't see the connection between these two guys and their behavior until you wrote about your wife, and it clicked. Yes, there are people out there. They like their sexual freedom and are great at pickups and getting it on and they want to keep doing it but they also want a home base, so usually pick someone decent who would never believe what they're up to. Unfortunately my last date picked me, because he thought I was 'nice.' Well, yes I'm nice but I'm not stupid. I figured it out in 4 dates. I guess on one level it's going to stink for you being without her because these people are invariably 'people people' and get along real well socially (although if you pay attention they have no depth of connection...) and also are incredibly gifted at the sexual act (although again, no real in-depth connection.) It's like they're something of automatons when it comes to being social and having sex. They do it so often it's not deeply personal, it just 'is' and 'suffices' under the assumption of the other that they're all yours even when they're not with you. I think my ex was like this too, only he wasn't so social or nice, at least not to me. He was more manipulatively sociopathic. I think the idea was to keep me isolated socially so that I couldn't be in the same social space as him, being that we live in a very small state, it would have blown his game.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

@Homemaker .... you are SOOOOOOOOO RIGHT ... She is exaclty what your describing..... she was the "perfect" wife.... but as time went on after I caught on..... I saw the same thing .... great at sex... horrible at love..great at being nice, but unable to show anger or displeasure of any kind...... I tried to get her to ***** about anything... she just couldn't .... she had a full on fantasy life, and yes she wanted me because I was secure with myself and life.... ie I wasn't checking up on her all the time..didnt ask 2 million questions.... I judged her based on what she did ( ie what I saw ) However she ws pro at hiding the rest..... so she had the white picket fence Leave it to beaver setup and her other life... and as soon as she figured out I wasn't a blind anymore she left......

In many ways. the crazy level of crazy with her is a blessing... it makes the ending of the marriage more "acceptable" .... lol even her mother has called me a few times to say, 1 : Please take this crazy woman back.... I cant stand her anymore .... and You are the luckiest man there ever was to be rid of this awful woman.... ie her mother was snowed as well 

@Orpheus - Actually no there wasn't any "denial" about this .... more or less withdrawal .... the problem with a narc is that they are stupid good at making you believe what they say and for a female narc.... making you feel like you can do no wrong..... However if I ran into a narc again I would know it right away... unfortunately when someone tells you everything you believe anyway over and over.... there where no "tell tale signs" ie distance, lost time, *****iness, etc.etc... Christ up until the 1st time I figured **** out we where trying to make a baby every day 

Also I wanted to let all of you know, that I have "moved" on ... I had already moved on when I wrote this letter.... am I still a bit "broken" hell yes.... takes a long time to legit heal..... I more or less wanted to help others whose stories helped me figure some things out.... and by sharing my batshi crazy story... maybe help others see that maybe there **** isnt soo bad in comparison


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I can relate to a lot of your story. My XW had the same characteristics. She seemed like a great wife and has countless friends, but she was not inimate. She would rately show anger or any other emotion. She did seem to love me and I was fooled as well. She was cheating. So, I have a question. 

Did your wife have a missing father? My XW's father left after a divorce and moved to another state. She was very young and he never saw her again until shortly before he died. She said she got some closure, but I can't see how a couple conversations can reverse decades of damage.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

Well she says her father died when she was nine... however in after going thru some paperwork.... I've found him listed on some things as though he was still alive... also..... I've seen her write to previs Bfs and such saying her father just died as little as a few years ago

So really don't know


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Wow.... run. run away fast. I'm dealing with a wife who can't stay away from one guy, mostly online, your situation is gutwrenching. It is good you don't have children. Get out, do the 180 just for yourself (not to win her back, she is NOT worth getting back) get back on your feet and in due time you'll find someone else. NO CONTACT with her, either you leave the house or she does, but get away from her.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

old timer said:


> You'll get over it eventually. One thing I've learned is never give anyone 100% trust.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This actually makes me sad 

Not because you are doing it old timer, but because it is what worries me about my own life and situation, and I still, just barely, remember how good it felt when I had 100% trust in my wife, how safe and comfortable life was, how, no matter what happened at work or home, my partner was there to support me, to help me through it. 

I think about it now and it is just amazing to me how different things are, how quickly they changed. I hope everyone understands how awful it is to:

1) Allow yourself to get involved emotionally and physically with suitors outside of the marriage

and 

2) Slowly emotionally close off to your spouse, cutting off communication and intimacy leaving them completely alone in the relationship, most often blaming themselves for a problem they didn't even create.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

@pol. ....she made it easy to do 180....cuz she just dispeered one day.....we talked maybe three times the first week...and for the past thirty....just some emails on the divorce....it becomes office in about thirty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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