# Mental and Sexual Connection Fading...



## Piper (Sep 11, 2012)

Hi!

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, have two children, and are both in our late 30s. We have a good marriage, love each other, and share equally the responsibilities related to our house and kids. For the most part, things are good. Except.... I feel we are growing apart while she disagrees.

Earlier in our relationship, I was excited to find someone who seemed very compatible with me menatally and sexually. She was very sexually forward and seemed to not only love sex, but need it. I was more on the shy and reserved side so I appreciated the balance this provided. We got along like best friends - easily talking about anything and making each other laugh. Then, as a lot of folks seem to encounter, we had kids and took on careers and that's when things started to change. The responsibilities of life have seemed to weigh heavy on her over the past 5 years or so. Our sex frequency has reduced to about once a month and we just never seem to have those good talks anymore. I know we both love each other and find each other attractive and interesting (she is still SO sexy to me), but it seems the responsibilities of our life have left her tired and stressed with little left at the end of the day. Most of her evenings are spent sitting mindlessly in front of the TV before heading to bed at 8:30 or 9:00 to get ready to do it all over again tomorrow. We don't talk about much that doesn't involve our kids or other responsibilities and, even when we do talk about other things, we just don't seem to connect.

Anyway, I have been making a concerted effort to try and spice things up for awhile now. I have approached her about my concerns and she generally doesn't agree that anything is wrong, but she does agree that we need to do more just as a couple (date nights, etc.). As the more reserved one, I realize that I was contributed to the decrease in sex frequency by not being proactive enough. If I initiated and it didn't work out, I was prone to figuratively throwing my hands in the air and saying, "well, I guess I'll just wait until she's ready." I know that was placing an unfair burden on wife to be the primary initiator. Then I thought, "shoot, if I'm not showing her how hot I am for her all the time, then how is she supposed to feel sexy and wanted." The problem is that now I feel like I am hounding and pressuring her, and I can just see it in her eyes that it is adding to her never ending list of things to do. She tells me that she still wants to frequently but that she is "just tired" or "doesn't feel well" or whatever. Plus, as those of us with kids know, the opportunities are simply more limited. But its not just the sex. Our mental and/or emotional connection just doesn't seem to be strong anymore. She's an early bird, I'm a night owl.... We don't share many of the same interests... Her first priority when we see each other at the end of the day is to tell me about what bothered her or vent about something one of the kids did, etc.

So...I just don't know where to go from here. I know communication is the most important thing and I have been talking with her about it. She either feels that there isn't really a problem, or she gets upset that I don't think she's a good wife or that our marriage is in trouble. She claims that nothing is wrong and that she still finds me as attractive as ever, but nothing is changing. While I would never cheat on her or consider bailing out on our life, my eyes are wandering and I'm fantasizing about women in general and the way things were in the past. I feel like my needs (and probably hers somehow) aren't being met. I've done a good job, I think, of keeping in shape, taking on new adventures, and making sure I remain desirable. I'm not willing to just concede and let myself slip into a beer-gutted, office worker with a listless marriage that revolves solely around my kids. I'm committed to making it work with my wife but just don't know how to.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This is the early stages of what becomes a sexless marriage. Address it now.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Drover said:


> This is the early stages of what becomes a sexless marriage. Address it now.


I'm not sure. Maybe she's just exhausted. How old are your kids? I was a zombie in the evenings when I had kids under 6 or 7. How often does she get to rest and have 'me' time if she is dealing with kids all day? You say you share responsibilities equally, are you sure? Do you cook half the time? Do you do laundry half the time, vacuum, clean kitchen and bathrooms and kids playrooms? Do you often give the kids their baths and put them to bed (if you still have young ones)? Do you arrange a babysitter each week so you and your W can do something alone on Saturdays or Sunday's?

Have you read the Married Man Sex Life book? Doing more housework won't help your sex life if your wife has lost attraction or respect for you. You need to figure out if she's lost attraction and respect, or is exhausted or depressed. If your kids are small, it might really just be that she is tired. Either way there are definite steps you can take to improve the situation. Either 'man up' and improve your sex rank or help out more with the kids and house depending on what you are doing now.

It sounds as if you are vulnerable to an emotional or physical affair. Stay away from temptation, it is not the right thing to do.


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## Piper (Sep 11, 2012)

Thanks for your responses. I truly appreciate it.

My kids are 7 and 5. My wife works full time so we are with the kids and equal amount of time but, yes, I'm sure I share in the responsibilities. We don't have defined roles or anything - we both do everything. No issues there. She has not lost respect and she says she is still as attracted to me, but that she's just tired. I mean, our kids go to bed at 8:00 and then she is ready to follow them soon after. So not a lot of opportunity, but we do need to work harder to find the time. 

Arranging a babysitter? You got me there. This is an area where I could do more. My wife tends to maintain the contacts/relationships with folks we are comfortable with as babysitters (no family around), such as co-workers. I could definitely step it up and plan more dates and activities for us. Thanks for that thought.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Piper said:


> Thanks for your responses. I truly appreciate it.
> 
> My kids are 7 and 5. My wife works full time so we are with the kids and equal amount of time but, yes, I'm sure I share in the responsibilities. We don't have defined roles or anything - we both do everything. No issues there. She has not lost respect and she says she is still as attracted to me, but that she's just tired. I mean, our kids go to bed at 8:00 and then she is ready to follow them soon after. So not a lot of opportunity, but we do need to work harder to find the time.
> 
> ...



I would just set it up on your own starting with at least once every other week if not every week. She will appreciate the effort. Make a Liston the things you can do. Obviously there is dinner, movies, etc. but make a list of cool restaurants, off the beaten path places. It's fun to work down the list. There are also museums, book stores, coffee shops, and just laid back stuff. BUT after a few times and if she is having fun take a trip over to the higher end adult store let her pick out a few items. You will have fun and spice things up a bit


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

As you may have read her, the disconnect you feel that she doesn't is probably directly tied to the lack of sex in your marriage. Men connect to their women through sex.

Try and take the kids off her hands for at least one day on the weekend. take them top a park, lunch, the zoo, whatever. Tell her do do as she pleases with the time but no housework or anything like that. Tell her to sleep or get her nails done or whatever and then take her out for dinner. This may help get her in the mood


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How about morning sex? If she is "too tired" or "not feeling well" in the morning, there are other issues going on.


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