# Husband's Porn Addiction



## coffee4evr92

So long story short, my husband and I have been married for 4 years, together 5, we've always had a great relationship. It wasn't until our first Christmas together as a married couple (yay!!....) and only 4 months married at that that I found out that he had a flirting and porn addiction. I also made the mistake and going back and reading super old Facebook messages of his and let's just say he has a colorful past. (Before us getting together) But 4 years later I THINK we've gotten rid of his flirting addiction... I've stopped going through his phone because of the awkwardness of having to ask and the guilt for doing it in secret and then having to confront him about my findings. So judging by that I think we're in the clear. Also because I haven't seen suspicious texts at random times from unknown numbers that pop up at night. BUT... his porn addiction on the other hand... it still has a big hold on him and he keeps going to this adult boutique/theater down the road. And the fact it has glory holes worries me all the more. He says he's never used them but has been tempted. All the reason to worry more. I know he would never mindfully cheat on me but I understand that when an addiction has its hold on you it can be hard to resist. But I recently found out that he went to that theater a couple weeks ago and I'm going to talk to him about it and tell him we need to do counseling or therapy. We have a daughter now and I'm tired of worrying and feeling bitter every time this happens. And quite frankly of being betrayed and constantly losing any trust in him that I've regained. So basically going to tell him we go through counseling and it's either me and our daughter or his perverted addiction. He can't have both anymore. I was hoping by the time she was born that this would be over. It's definitely not worth getting divorced. I believe with all my heart we can get through this so if that's going to be your comment, don't bother. I want to hear your thoughts about this type of addiction and any success stories.

Side note: About a year or so ago he told me he read up on what women want sex wise but won't admit to and one of them was a threesome and now he just can't seem to shake the fantasy. And I absolutely refuse. It's the same as cheating if you ask me. No. No. No! Ugh...


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## SunCMars

No, no, no! Ugh...no, Hgu. Hgu a dyslectic way of spelling Hug. A spell check that went awry. 

The Spell that he is under needs no check off. He has checked out of Normality, Indiana.
.............................................................................................................................................................................
Oh, on success rates. When he hits his 50's he will snap out of this. Father Time will wack his wayward hand and his immoral and loose computer mouse.

Only he knows when he is going to snap out of this.

A male's perspective.....not a great one. Keep his sack empty. He cannot have his ham sandwich in the dark with no mayonnaise.


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## coffee4evr92

SunCMars said:


> No, no, no! Ugh...no, Hgu. Hgu a dyslectic way of spelling Hug. A spell check that went awry.
> 
> The Spell that he is under needs no check off. He has checked out of Normality, Indiana.
> .............................................................................................................................................................................
> Oh, on success rates. When he hits his 50's he will snap out of this. Father Time will wack his wayward hand and his immoral and loose computer mouse.
> 
> Only he knows when he is going to snap out of this.
> 
> A male's perspective.....not a great one. Keep his sack empty. He cannot have his ham sandwich in the dark with no mayonnaise.


lol thanks.. far as the ham sandwich with no mayo... I've tried a few fantasy ideas in the past and it never changed anything. We were never the couple that hit the sheets every day. I guess because of his work schedule and also probably because he's a few years older than me and already hit his "peak" of sexual hunger I guess. *shrug* Even when I offer a lot of times he's not in the mood. (Probly from watching too much porn) And now just having a baby its more of a challenge. Lol


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## Emerging Buddhist

Choice is a wonderful thing... there is so much you have in this.

Him too...

"Husband, if you allow this to control you I will have to decide our future for us... you cannot allow this to take the place of our relationship. If you choose this over your family's best interest, I will do what is best for the best interest of the family. Help is a choice you need to make for us, and if you choose not to, there is no us".

Boundaries are your friend... you can't make him do anything, that is not in your control. What you can do is show him the path should he not make good choices.

Walk your path, be mindful of you and your daughter.

ps. if you are not into it, it shouldn't happen... his interests are for only himself and are not in your best, so if it doesn't feel right, it is for a reason.


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## SunnyT

I get that you are going to tell him that he needs to go to counseling.... but what if he says something like he doesn't think he needs counseling, or can't afford it, or some other excuse? What then? 

You said this isn't something to get divorced over. So what happens if he doesn't really address the issue, so says he will....and then who knows if he really does, or if it stops for a while and then just starts up again? 

It sounds like there really isn't any consequence for him not following your plan/idea/guide (whatever). 

I think Emerging Buddhist is saying the same thing. You have to figure out what YOU will do, if he chooses poorly. 

I hope he values his family enough to make changes that HE needs to make.


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## Emerging Buddhist

SunnyT said:


> I think Emerging Buddhist is saying the same thing.


He is... :smile2:


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## browser

coffee4evr92 said:


> I want to hear your thoughts about this type of addiction and any success stories..


Addictions can't be treated unless the patient desires treatment and a cure.

There's nothing you've said about him that leads me to believe he feels that way at all.

I don't know any success stories with couples that suffer from a sex addiction in one partner.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Lordy.

A '*flirting*' addiction? Is that the latest nonsense 'addiction' women are now blaming their husbands' crappy behavior on? Because you know, God *forbid *you could just call sh*tty behavior out for what it *IS* - sh*tty behavior. Easier to blame it on some trumped-up 'addiction,' I guess.

And for his 'porn addiction,' nobody has to go down to the corner porn shop anymore to see porn. There's enough free porn on the internet to keep him busy in his 'addiction' for the next 20 years, non-stop. He's going to the local porn shop alright, but NOT for porn.

Maybe you're not aware of it, but 'adult book stores' are *notorious* for their homosexual activity. Closeted gays and bisexuals and supposed heterosexual men on the 'down low' go there all the time for the activity, not the magazines, toys or videos. The fact that your adult store has 'glory holes' doesn't surprise me at ALL since that's what these places are *known* for.

He's using the lame excuse of 'porn addiction' so he can go down to the local porn shop and engage in sex with the other patrons there, not because he's 'addicted' and is looking at porn there. He can get that for free at *home*. Jeez.

You can drag him to all the therapists in the world, it ain't gonna change the fact that he's clearly bisexual. Let me guess - did his supposed comment about women secretly 'wanting a threesome' include another male? I wouldn't be surprised at all.

The chances that he's *not* engaging in any homosexual activity are slim to none. If I were you, I'd be insisting on STD testing for BOTH of you. You can laugh at this post all you want, but you're going to find out one day - and it could be years from now - that I'm right.


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## peacem

The threesome thing - if it wasn't that it would be something else. Even if you went down that route to satisfy his curiosity there would be a new thing that has caught his imagination. Also you are right in not going through his technology for evidence as it will drive you crazy and it is so easy to hide things that it is probably a pointless thing to do.

Definitely counseling as he needs to work out what is missing or why he is self-soothing (as with all addicts it never, ever gets better until you get to the heart of the problem). It is not you it is something broken in him. I can guarantee that something has happened to make him feel 'less than' at some point in his childhood and the fantasy that porn can deliver will be making him feel good about himself (except the good feeling only lasts for a moment and the guilt and depression hits home). There is something about porn that also makes people feel in control. In real life everything is rather unpredictable, even in our marriages. When using porn you are absolutely in control of the pleasure and to a certain extent it is a guaranteed pleasure. Being in control is self-soothing in itself. In some people it is a form of OCD which often is attributed to CPTSD. 

Also, the big allure of porn is that it is sometimes seen as 'naughty' or taboo. If you talk about porn in an angry or negative way it is more likely to contribute to that excitement. Why not try talking about porn in a neutral way (I know it is hard when you are hurting but it does help). Avoid shaming tactics because it will just encourage him to self-sooth and hide what he is doing - much better out in the open. Perhaps you can come to an agreement that when he uses porn he can talk to you about it without judgement, why he needed it, what he was feeling before hand, what he saw that made him feel good. I know it sounds counter intuitive but it does work.


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## notmyrealname4

It wasn't a mistake to go back and read all the old FB messages. Through them, you learned the truth. Ignorance is not bliss.

I think you don't go through his phone anymore, because you're scared of what you might find.

Shesstillgotit made a great point about the theater visits. Porn is easily obtainable online; as are adult boutiques. There's no legit reason for him to go there.

Too bad you went ahead and had a kid with guy who visits a sex theater with glory holes.

You wanna go to counseling? Does he? As stated upthread, people only change their behaviors when* they* see a good enough reason to do so.

If divorce is not an option; you're stuck with whatever he decides to do, and however he decides to treat you.

A threesome---especially in marriage---is the best way possible to say, "you're not enough for me, I need someone else to make sex really exciting".

Don't have any more kids. Focus on caring for your completely dependent daughter.


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## uhtred

People who want porn can find anything they might possible want on the internet. If he has any privacy at home and is still going to an adult video place it is likely that he is looking for more than videos. When I see that combined with his suggesting an (I assume) MMF threesome, I start to think he is at least bisexual. 


If you can talk to him, and want to try to make this work, I suggest:

Porn at home is OK as long as it is never replacing you. If he starts watching porn and turning you down for sex, that is a huge problem. 

Porn outside, anything involving other people is absolutely not OK ever. 

If you don't want a 3-some (and the great majority of people don't), then make that clear.


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## coffee4evr92

notmyrealname4 said:


> It wasn't a mistake to go back and read all the old FB messages. Through them, you learned the truth. Ignorance is not bliss.
> 
> I think you don't go through his phone anymore, because you're scared of what you might find.
> 
> Shesstillgotit made a great point about the theater visits. Porn is easily obtainable online; as are adult boutiques. There's no legit reason for him to go there.
> 
> Too bad you went ahead and had a kid with guy who visits a sex theater with glory holes.
> 
> You wanna go to counseling? Does he? As stated upthread, people only change their behaviors when* they* see a good enough reason to do so.
> 
> If divorce is not an option; you're stuck with whatever he decides to do, and however he decides to treat you.
> 
> A threesome---especially in marriage---is the best way possible to say, "you're not enough for me, I need someone else to make sex really exciting".
> 
> Don't have any more kids. Focus on caring for your completely dependent daughter.



No I actually don't go through his phone anymore because it made me feel like crap. Why look through it when I already know what's on it anyway?

And yes, he's open to counseling. That's the whole reason I'm telling him we need to go through with it.

I'm not sure of his intentions of going to the boutique. I'm sure it gives him a thrill. If it's homosexual porn? It could be. Whether he's going there for more than that he's never fessed up about. If that is his reason I know he's still fighting it because he's never done anything. That I do know.

Maybe I should have clarified. Divorce isn't an option until we've tried everything to help him get better. If he never gets better then I'm not staying.


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## coffee4evr92

uhtred said:


> People who want porn can find anything they might possible want on the internet. If he has any privacy at home and is still going to an adult video place it is likely that he is looking for more than videos. When I see that combined with his suggesting an (I assume) MMF threesome, I start to think he is at least bisexual.
> 
> 
> If you can talk to him, and want to try to make this work, I suggest:
> 
> Porn at home is OK as long as it is never replacing you. If he starts watching porn and turning you down for sex, that is a huge problem.
> 
> Porn outside, anything involving other people is absolutely not OK ever.
> 
> If you don't want a 3-some (and the great majority of people don't), then make that clear.


Yes, that's another thing I was going to mention in my last reply. He was open to however 'I' wanted the threesome. Another female or male. Personally I'd rather have male because I'd beat a woman if he ever touched him. Lol. He can easily slip into the bathroom and do the deed if he wants. But I'm pretty sure there's a guilty conscience there so he doesn't do it while I'm home.


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## Chris Taylor

Porn at home is one thing. Unless it's interfering with his/your sex life and life in general, should not be an issue.

Adult theaters? No. I would get yourself (and him) tested for STD's. Why would anyone go to an adult theater when there is plenty of porn on the internet (at least that's what a friend told me  ) unless it was to hook up?


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## uhtred

Maybe you can make him feel less guilty about porn and masturbating - within limits. You could make a clear distinction: masturbating to porn at home IF you are not available for sex is fine. Whatever porn he wants to watch is fine - its a fantasy. Its completely normal for guys to masturbate if they can't have sex with their partners.

Then you can draw a clear line that anything outside and certainly anything involving other people is absolutely not OK. Watching porn then turning you down is absolutely not OK. 

I stay completely away from the 3-some idea. That is risky even in a happy sexual relationship, its a potential disaster in one with problems. If you bring in another man, could you feel OK with your husband being intimate with him? Just give a clear "no" to this one. 






coffee4evr92 said:


> Yes, that's another thing I was going to mention in my last reply. He was open to however 'I' wanted the threesome. Another female or male. Personally I'd rather have male because I'd beat a woman if he ever touched him. Lol. He can easily slip into the bathroom and do the deed if he wants. But I'm pretty sure there's a guilty conscience there so he doesn't do it while I'm home.


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## coffee4evr92

uhtred said:


> Maybe you can make him feel less guilty about porn and masturbating - within limits. You could make a clear distinction: masturbating to porn at home IF you are not available for sex is fine. Whatever porn he wants to watch is fine - its a fantasy. Its completely normal for guys to masturbate if they can't have sex with their partners.
> 
> Then you can draw a clear line that anything outside and certainly anything involving other people is absolutely not OK. Watching porn then turning you down is absolutely not OK.
> 
> I stay completely away from the 3-some idea. That is risky even in a happy sexual relationship, its a potential disaster in one with problems. If you bring in another man, could you feel OK with your husband being intimate with him? Just give a clear "no" to this one.


Totally agree with you. If that were to happen I'm not sure if he would be intimate with the other man. It's more of a sub thing with me than anything else. I showed interest in it once and he thought I'd be interested in a threesome...nope. Lol


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## Hope1964

browser said:


> I don't know any success stories with couples that suffer from a sex addiction in one partner.


My husband is a sex addict and is in recovery. He hasn't acted out now in over 6 years. Our story link is in my signature.

coffee4evr92, YOU cannot do anything to 'fix' him. He is the ONLY one who can do it.

If he is serious about recovery, there are two things he MUST do. Both of these need to be dealbreakers for you. 
1) He must see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist), and
2) he must attend a 12 step group

He can find a therapist here
https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

and he can start his research on 12 step groups here
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-addicts-how-find-the-right-12-step-group-you

It's important he find not only the right program, but also the right group within that program.

You will note that I talk about HIM doing all of these things. You cannot. The only thing you can do is tell him that the marriage is over unless he does both of these things, and keeps at them for how ever many years it takes. If you are not willing to end the marriage, he *might* still do what he needs to, but it's unlikely. Like any addict, he has to hit rock bottom. And this usually means they have to lose something important (ie YOU). If you are not willing to do what YOU need to (ie divorce) then you might as well just quit now, because nothing's going to change.

This is NOT a one shot deal. He doesn't get to see a therapist once and go to one group and think he's done his part.

You need to realize that unless he does these things, he WILL continue to act out. He will say that he won't, he will PROMISE he's done and will never do it again, yadda yadda, but without help he CANNOT stop himself.


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## coffee4evr92

Hope1964 said:


> My husband is a sex addict and is in recovery. He hasn't acted out now in over 6 years. Our story link is in my signature.
> 
> coffee4evr92, YOU cannot do anything to 'fix' him. He is the ONLY one who can do it.
> 
> If he is serious about recovery, there are two things he MUST do. Both of these need to be dealbreakers for you.
> 1) He must see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist), and
> 2) he must attend a 12 step group
> 
> He can find a therapist here
> https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/
> 
> and he can start his research on 12 step groups here
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-addicts-how-find-the-right-12-step-group-you
> 
> It's important he find not only the right program, but also the right group within that program.
> 
> You will note that I talk about HIM doing all of these things. You cannot. The only thing you can do is tell him that the marriage is over unless he does both of these things, and keeps at them for how ever many years it takes. If you are not willing to end the marriage, he *might* still do what he needs to, but it's unlikely. Like any addict, he has to hit rock bottom. And this usually means they have to lose something important (ie YOU). If you are not willing to do what YOU need to (ie divorce) then you might as well just quit now, because nothing's going to change.
> 
> This is NOT a one shot deal. He doesn't get to see a therapist once and go to one group and think he's done his part.
> 
> You need to realize that unless he does these things, he WILL continue to act out. He will say that he won't, he will PROMISE he's done and will never do it again, yadda yadda, but without help he CANNOT stop himself.


I totally agree with you. I've tried to help him, be an open ear to him and not condemn him for his actions and make him feel worse about what he's done but I've let him off too many times now. There needs to be more of an effort by him in order for me to stay. I've already thought about who I would stay with if I felt a separation was needed to make him realize that I'm serious. He actually had a dream the other night that I moved back to our home state but didn't divorce him. And I've had multiple dreams the past few weeks that he's cheated. Not sure how much of a coincidence that is. I think when I talk to him and tell him that detail that it'll hit home for him. I will check out those links. There's also some places nearby us I'm going to check out. Thank you for sharing your success story. I know it's not impossible for a full recovery. That's why I'm hanging on.


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## Hope1964

coffee4evr92 said:


> I totally agree with you. I've tried to help him, be an open ear to him and not condemn him for his actions and make him feel worse about what he's done but I've let him off too many times now. There needs to be more of an effort by him in order for me to stay. I've already thought about who I would stay with if I felt a separation was needed to make him realize that I'm serious. He actually had a dream the other night that I moved back to our home state but didn't divorce him. And I've had multiple dreams the past few weeks that he's cheated. Not sure how much of a coincidence that is. I think when I talk to him and tell him that detail that it'll hit home for him. I will check out those links. There's also some places nearby us I'm going to check out. Thank you for sharing your success story. I know it's not impossible for a full recovery. That's why I'm hanging on.


Did you not read what I wrote??? HE needs to check out the links I posted, not you. HIM. HE needs to do all these things. HE needs to check out the places nearby. NOT YOU. All you do is tell him that if he doesn't see a CSAT and attend a 12 step group, you WILL divorce him.

And you, I think, need to read up on co-dependence and get yourself some help in that regard. 

I posted my story for you to see what a sex addict who REALLY wants to recover looks like. And it does NOT look like your husband right now.

You also have GOT to be willing to divorced, and he needs to KNOW you are. a 'separation' doesn't mean squat if you aren't willing to cut the cord and divorce him.

Right now I don't see him changing at all. He's going to tell you what you want to hear and do what you tell him to, attending whatever appointments you make for him, until you stop insisting any more, then he'll just keep doing what he's been doing. You KNOW what he's doing - he's cheating on you. A LOT.

Have you been tested for STD's?


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## uhtred

Putting aside the porn and whatever might be going on at the adult book store for the moment (not that that isn't potentially very serious).

Are you able to have a open conversation with him about his and your kinks / interests? Could the whole 3-some thing be his misunderstanding of your interests? (probably not)




coffee4evr92 said:


> Totally agree with you. If that were to happen I'm not sure if he would be intimate with the other man. It's more of a sub thing with me than anything else. I showed interest in it once and he thought I'd be interested in a threesome...nope. Lol


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## coffee4evr92

Hope1964 said:


> Did you not read what I wrote??? HE needs to check out the links I posted, not you. HIM. HE needs to do all these things. HE needs to check out the places nearby. NOT YOU. All you do is tell him that if he doesn't see a CSAT and attend a 12 step group, you WILL divorce him.
> 
> And you, I think, need to read up on co-dependence and get yourself some help in that regard.
> 
> I posted my story for you to see what a sex addict who REALLY wants to recover looks like. And it does NOT look like your husband right now.
> 
> You also have GOT to be willing to divorced, and he needs to KNOW you are. a 'separation' doesn't mean squat if you aren't willing to cut the cord and divorce him.
> 
> Right now I don't see him changing at all. He's going to tell you what you want to hear and do what you tell him to, attending whatever appointments you make for him, until you stop insisting any more, then he'll just keep doing what he's been doing. You KNOW what he's doing - he's cheating on you. A LOT.
> 
> Have you been tested for STD's?


Umm yes, I'm going to look at them and give them to him... 
I'm getting tested this month.


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## coffee4evr92

uhtred said:


> Putting aside the porn and whatever might be going on at the adult book store for the moment (not that that isn't potentially very serious).
> 
> Are you able to have a open conversation with him about his and your kinks / interests? Could the whole 3-some thing be his misunderstanding of your interests? (probably not)


Yes we are able to have those talks. We have them from time to time. I believe it was a misunderstanding. I had surprised him with how kinky I was getting with some new ideas and he thought I'd be willing to do that but I'm not. Now he's brought it up a couple times since he first brought it up.


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## She'sStillGotIt

coffee4evr92 said:


> I'm not sure of his intentions of going to the boutique. I'm sure it gives him a thrill. If it's homosexual porn? It could be. Whether he's going there for more than that he's never fessed up about. If that is his reason I know he's still fighting it because he's never done anything. That I do know.


I'm sorry but you are SO in denial.

He's not going there for gay PORN, he's going there for gay *ACTIVITY*.

My husband is heterosexual. He likes porn, but he throws up in his mouth when we pass the adult 'book store' because he *knows *what's really going on in there, and it ain't a bunch of men buying porn magazines. It's a bunch of guys engaging in various sexual acts behind the curtains of their little video rooms. That's about the *last* thing most *truly *heterosexual men want to SEE and about the last thing they'd get a 'thrill' from - going to an adult boutique where guys are going at it with each other behind the curtains. 

And unless you've accompanied him each and EVERY time to this place and attached yourself to his hip so he wouldn't be able to sneak away from you for even 20 seconds, then you DON'T know with 100% certainty that he's never done anything in there.

You DON'T know. 

But you must suspect because you've agreed to be STD tested.

*Smart* decision. 

A smarter one would be to drop-kick his cheating ass to the curb.


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## jimrich

I will try to offer a man's perspective on this very serious issue......


coffee4evr92 said:


> BUT... his porn addiction on the other hand... it still has a big hold on him and he keeps going to this adult boutique/theater down the road. And the fact it has glory holes worries me all the more.


Not sure what "glory holes" are but suspect it has something to do with his penis?



> and I'm going to talk to him about it and tell him we need to do counseling or therapy.


I totally agree because, as with alcohol or drug addictions, the sinister UNDERLYING causes and drivers have to be seen and dealt with - ASAP. 


> So basically going to tell him we go through counseling and it's either me and our daughter or his perverted addiction. He can't have both anymore.


You are absolutely correct about such a demand/threat since most addicts cannot and will not stop their addictions WITHOUT a very strong motivation along with at least a little therapy to understand what is DRIVING them.


> *I want to hear your thoughts* about this type of addiction and any success stories.


OK, I was just a little bit hooked on porn and, due to therapy in 12 step support groups, I knew how to HONESTLY examine my motivations for sitting at the computer late at night rather than in bed with my wonderful, sexy wife. It became clear to me that porn was giving me something I couldn't get in our marriage and the thrills and excitement were easily obtainable ON DEMAND. (a quick fix!) As I realized how much this was hurting my otherwise very patient wife and our relationship, I decided to STOP using porn as a quick and easy FIX and stay with whatever thrills and excitement we could find together. Also, I had somehow developed Erectile Dysfunction and hoped that Porn would revitalize my "tool" so I used porn as a source of new and exciting techniques some of which made our sex life even better than ever.
Things never got so bad that we needed Counseling but I never did figure out what happened with the Erectile Dysfunction nor exactly what porn was doing for me other than providing something that was not present in our otherwise wonderful marriage (with no kids). 
I am presently convinced that, if we had gone into counseling, some of the UNDERLYING truths and issues might have emerged. I can see that, had I done a little deeper digging into my own hidden motivations and TALKED OPENLY with my wife, some if not all of whatever was forcing me to turn to Porn would have come out and then maybe my Erection could have returned!?! 
If I had to say it in simple terms, I believe I was just a little AFRAID of my wife but didn't have to FEAR what I found with Porn! I was and still am very happy with my late wife, who crossed over back in May, but something was allowing Porn to be EASIER and MORE fun (less threatening) than our "real" sex life! This may be about maturity or courage more than simply lust or "quick fixes". 
My wife was NOT a fearful, nagging tyrant but I somehow felt either afraid of her or was in some kind of SHAME bind???? Just writing of this hurts and I wish now that we had either gone to a counselor or spent some serious time TALKING ABOUT our "issues". We were so good together than neither of us wanted to rock the boat by TALKING ABOUT certain things and now that she's gone over, I can see how I allowed our marriage to become a sort of Codependent Trap! 
I had done enough therapy to know how and why to TALK ABOUT troubling stuff but somehow fell back into the sickening safety of NOT talking so she wouldn't get UPSET. We both had done 12 step therapy so there was no sensible excuse NOT TO talk about troubling things! 
We just swept a lot of stuff under the rug but I won't use that as an *excuse *to turn to Porn or any other thing. The hidden and secret causes of my Porn solutions are still somewhat of a mystery for me but I believe it's all connected to early childhood fears and issues with my mother and little sister! Therapy and/or counseling might have opened up the UNDERLYING causes to help both of us back then but it's too late now! Perhaps I can work on this with another partner - should one come along???????



> Side note: About a year or so ago he told me he read up on what women want sex wise but won't admit to and one of them was a threesome and now he just can't seem to shake the fantasy. And I absolutely refuse. It's the same as cheating if you ask me. No. No. No! Ugh...


IMO, he is saying that he will feel SAFER with someone else there! I believe he, like me, has some kind of safety and fear/shame issues surrounding intimacy and sex so do go see a professional or get into a Codependency support group to EXAMINE what is driving to turn to Porn for a SAFER satisfaction of his sexual needs.


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## notmyrealname4

SunCMars said:


> Oh, on success rates.* When he hits his 50's he will snap out of this. Father Time will wack his wayward hand* and his immoral and loose computer mouse.


Yes, in his 50's low testosterone, and ED will result in little to no interest in pornography, _and sex in general_.

So, it's a lose/lose scenario for the wife either way.


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