# husband cheating after 20 years



## suem (Sep 26, 2015)

I need some guidance last week was to be our 20 year anniversary and we had planned to go away for the weekend but all of a sudden my husband text me and told me he was going to a bbq and colleage football game with a vendor from work this was totally out of character for him so I ask if I am invited then he said the guy had only 1 ticket then later he text again saying he tried again and no more tickets. I started to look into his email and text and found they had been texting and setting up this lie for weeks. I am devastated he was my sole mate I thought I trusted him with my life I am now 65 years old he is 6 years younger then I am . 
he first told me it was only a few weeks and they had not seen each other I found out its been months and months and then he said they have seen each other 2 time the firt time for coffee and HUGS then coffee and making out in the car but he still claims no sex I don't believe that at all . he said he loved her according to her and wants to be with her . we have not had the chance to talk yet as he is coming here today . the day I found out he was deployed to the valley fire and has been gone for 10 days. 
I don't even know at this point how to act in front of him all I do is cry and he just keeps on lying . he sent me a very strange text that said thank you for letting me know she like to just mess with peoples lives !!! who says that to his wife?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm sorry you're here . I don't understand the last line--what the text was he sent you. But, don't expect anything he says right now to make a lick of sense .


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read about the 180? Do you have kids


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

I don't understand the last sentence. Talk to him and be ready for the Okey doke. Let your emotions die down and think clearly and you will know what to do


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I will never get why cheaters set up a situation where the BS finds out on a very significant date. My h gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech a week after his birthday, the night before I had a very important job interview. He confessed to infidelity on July 4 (two weeks after bomb-drop). He filed for divorce and then had it dismissed on his birthday in 2010. And at my mother's funeral last week he reconnected with OW. 

There is something about the enormous pressure of their deceit and coverup that is even more intense around what should be celebrations and acknowledgements and recognition of the value of relationships. I am SOOO sorry that all this broke loose around your 20th anniversary. 

And I completely understand the last text, I think. I think that cheaters sometimes are so mad about their powerlessness to speak up, because of their own dysfunctions and inability to problem-solve, and deal with issues with their spouse, and they build resentment, and they're angry, and the cheating is a very passive-aggressive way of saying "I'm mad as hell (at you, since you're standing there) and I'm going to hurt you." Cheaters blame the marriage, the spouse, for the discontent and dissatisfaction that "leads" them to cheat. It's never their fault or their responsibility, in their minds. And now he's caught, and now it's his AP's fault that it's out. 

So sorry suem. Hang in there and get ready for a whirlwind, but get off the rollercoaster as soon as you can.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm sorry you're here . I don't understand the last line--what the text was he sent you. But, don't expect anything he says right now to make a lick of sense .


Sounds to me like he, the wh, is telling op, his betrayed wife, that the other woman's behavior to the betrayed wife has shown him (wh) the other woman's true colors. So, in that way, he has discovered that she, the other woman, is the type of person to mess with people's lives. 

He sounds cold, arrogant, selfish, almost narcissistic. To the original poster, you should consult with a divorce attorney and learn your rights and file. This man does not have your best interests at heart. In fact, it seems like he doesn't even think of you.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am sorry you are here.

Your husband is a fool,sorry for harsh words but he is. Having wife for that long and then cheat on her is most stupid thing that husband or wife can do. 

He even canceld your anniversary and lied about it. Then he goes on business trip for 10 days and when he founds out that he is busted he stayed there,wtf.

If he truly loves you he would never cheat on you and he will be on his plane to beg you for forgivnes.

I dont know what to tell you anymore,but dont trust him and his lies about affair. He will for sure try to put some blame on you,that is what cheaters do.

Try to talk with your kids,friend or therapist,just dont go into depresion please.


Stay strong my lady.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

suem said:


> I need some guidance last week was to be our 20 year anniversary and we had planned to go away for the weekend but all of a sudden my husband text me and told me he was going to a bbq and colleage football game with a vendor from work this was totally out of character for him so I ask if I am invited then he said the guy had only 1 ticket then later he text again saying he tried again and no more tickets. I started to look into his email and text and found they had been texting and setting up this lie for weeks. I am devastated he was my sole mate I thought I trusted him with my life I am now 65 years old he is 6 years younger then I am .
> he first told me it was only a few weeks and they had not seen each other I found out its been months and months and then he said they have seen each other 2 time the firt time for coffee and HUGS then coffee and making out in the car but he still claims no sex I don't believe that at all . he said he loved her according to her and wants to be with her . we have not had the chance to talk yet as he is coming here today . the day I found out he was deployed to the valley fire and has been gone for 10 days.
> I don't even know at this point how to act in front of him all I do is cry and he just keeps on lying . he sent me a very strange text that said thank you for letting me know she like to just mess with peoples lives !!! who says that to his wife?


Dear suem,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

There is no easy way out of the situation you find yourself in but there are some things that you can do to help yourself:


1. Don't make any major decisions until you have got your emotions under control and are thinking more or less normally again.

2. Take care of your health. Get enough rest (you may need your doctor to prescribe a mild sleeping aid), eat normal meals and exercise. Actually, exercise is probably the most important thing, as it will not only help make you physically stronger, it will actually reduce your emotional distress.

3. Confide in family, close friends and clergy. Do not try to deal with this on your own, you need a support system.

4. Minimize contact with you wayward husband until you are strong enough to deal with what he has done. Ask him to find a new place to live, at least temporarily and, if he refuses, consider where you might stay for a while. Avoid talking to him except about what is absolutely necessary, like matters relating to children or finances. As best you can, control your emotions when around him. Avoid becoming angry and overwrought in his presence as this will only encourage him in thinking that his infidelity is somehow justified.

5. Speak to a qualified lawyer about the divorce laws where you live and how to protect your financial future. You don't need to file for divorce right away and, in fact, probably shouldn't, but you need to be prepared to and, in the meantime, you need to take precautions to protect your interest in commonly owned property, savings, pensions, etc.

The best things you can do right now are to protect your physical, emotional and financial well-being and to show your wayward husband that you don't need him.

Again, I'm sorry that this has happened to you and I wish for you the strength and wisdom to overcome the challenges that lie ahead.

Finally, remember that others have faced the same challenge and come through it OK. You can, too.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

To add to Carmen's post above, expose your WH to your family, friends, adult children (if any), he is in a fog now and needs to face the reality of what he is doing. Do not hide this from your network. It may seem counter intuitive but by doing the 180 on him, and being prepared to lose him and the marriage , he may wake up to the damage he is causing.


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## CLIFFW (Jul 25, 2012)

Exposing him to everyone including his family will not jolt him. It will tell him that he's right in leaving you. Enraged, he will almost certainly leave you.

Do you wish him to leave?

Exposure should not be used to inflict damage - it should be used to end an affair (eg, expose the affair to your cheating spouse's Affair Partner's spouse).

I think you need to get to why he's having this affair after so long. What is missing in your relationship and/or himself that he is compensating for with this relationship.

I think it's ok to give a bit of carrot and stick. Show him what life without you and your attention is like, but also entice him back so you have a fighting chance to work it out.

If you do mean things to him back, it will reenforce in his mind that he's doing the right thing -- going from an uncaring, vindictive wife to his loving, accepting Other Woman. Is that what you want?


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