# Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!



## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

So my wife recently changed jobs(4months ago) and started working with a lesbian. She talked about her a few times, but i didnt think anything of it. She went out with all her friends one right and came home pretty late. She seemed really off in the morning and said she had to tell me something. She proceeded to tell me the lesbian women kissed her goodbye on the lips and hopes im ok with that. I was basically like "ok whatever." I had a feeling there was more to the story but didnt push it to much. Fast foward 3 weeks(today). Im sitting watching golf and the lesbians gf is starts blowing up my fb messenger about how her gf and my wife have been sneeking around and hiding texts on a texting app. She sent me about 10 screen shots of the texts. I only had to read a few to start shaking and having a mild panic attack. It was the whole "I cant wait to see you tomorrow" "ive been thinking about kissing you all day'' "you need to kiss me today at work"

The thing is we are really close and love each other so much. She tells me daily how great i am and how happy she is. This is why im in totally shock. I confronted her and she broke down instantly and said she been feeling guilty and has wanted to tell me. The thing is i found out she was with her just her 2 days ago. So i find that hard to believe. 

She is saying she will do anything to save our marriage and family. She will even lock her phone so she can only call and text 5 numbers. Never drink again. Whatever she can for me trust her again. Whatever she can so we can try to eventually get past this.

At least she didnt really deny anything and is in bad shape right now. She says the never did anything but kiss. That she couldnt do anymore without me, she would feel to guilty.

My instant reaction was divorce. Im still thinking though because i love her and she loves me and she is devistated she hurt me, which she did, badly. Reading those texts was horrifying. Thats stuff she is supposed to and does say to me. I kicked her out, she is at her sisters tonight.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Is this the same wife from 2013/2014 who "doesn't want to try anymore"?

I'd say they did more than kiss, but who knows - a kiss only takes a few seconds. She is bisexual and cheating is cheating - so TRY to NOT take the gender of her AP as a personal attack on your manhood.

She of course is regretting getting caught and the affair is fresh. The first thing on the list she should have said was "I'll change jobs".


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

All this BS about being sorry, it's being sorry she got caught. 

You know that her telling you that she kissed the coworker was getting your permission to continue on with the A? Wasn't feeling too guilty then but was capable of testing your reaction with a sugarcoated story and taking your reaction to this false premise as you being ok with it. (or you being indifferent so she deserves attention or whatever BS her brain may have come up to justify her actions)

If you hadn't found out she would still go on with it. 

Her not offering to leave her workplace means contact with her AP regardless what numbers are blocked on her phone (and a burner phone is not difficult to come by). And if she works she can't block her workplace from calling her so there could be contact over landline or AP changes numbers or whatever. Not speaking of secret email accounts and other applications.

And after this your M is threatened by other men AND women, so if you try to R you will be even more vigilant and it's even harder to get the trust back and makes R more likely to fail.

My advice would be to follow your first reaction and be done with it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So is this the same wife from your previous threads?


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

She is not the first wife. I found someone shortly after we divorced who was going through the same thing I was. She was cheated on as well. Then a year and two months into our marriage she does it to me. Thats another reason im in shock. 

Sorry she stated she would quit her job, and was going to email her boss last night. I told her to hold off til we figure things out. she called in today.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I'm sorry 71, but you seem to have a track record picking the wrong women.....honestly i think you need to leave her brother, she is either in denial of her own sexuality and or she is has not found in you what she needs to be happy...to be doing this in less than two years of marriage tells me that something is very wrong and you need to move on.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yeah, you've got problems with hair on them my friend.
So sorry to hear this, you are still a newlywed for goodness sake.
I'm glad you sent her out of the house.
Take your time to think this one through. You are in no hurry.
R or D at this point are both BIG decisions that deserve plenty of thought and research.

Keep posting so we can help you. Hugs!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's cheating this early on in the marriage? 

No....uh uh....

File for divorce. This one is a lemon.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I'm sorry but I agree with the others. This new and she is already doing this. You just got your best view of what the future will be like with her. Don't let her quit her job. Divorce her. 

I'm sorry.


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

I tend to agree. I'm going to take my time to think about things though. I really love her but logical side says i'm setting myself up for heartbreak again.

She does seem so sincere tho. In all shes a good person that screwed up big time. She is good with my kids and loves them.

I messed up and she came over and talked. We ended up having sex and we both cried after. Which is a new thing to me because i pretty much never cry. It obviously was a terrible idea. She was destroyed seeing me cry. She almost had a panic attack.

Im not sure how to proceed. Should we not be talking at all. Even if seeing how things go and counseling is still on the table.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

71bgol said:


> I tend to agree. I'm going to take my time to think about things though. I really love her but logical side says i'm setting myself up for heartbreak again.
> 
> She does seem so sincere tho. In all shes a good person that screwed up big time. She is good with my kids and loves them.
> 
> ...


Others seem to know, but I don't so I'll ask—how long have you two been married?

IMO, you shouldn't be talking outside of counseling, at least until you two can sort out what you both want. You should definitely not be having sex, but I think that experience taught you that if nothing else.

Ask if she'll go to counseling with you and see what she says. I'd also say that you should stay out of the same home for a while, even after counseling and if you two decide to really work on things.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I usually mention that my wife is bisexual and had a girlfriend for 30 years. Probably many do not believe me and that is OK. I am lucky because when my wife started to fantasize about women, she arranged a threesome with the object of her attention, her best friend, and me. She made sure that her girlfriend and I were compatible and since we all enjoyed the threesome so much, we continued it for 30 years with our girlfriend living with us for the first 7, and then on and off after she got married to a guy who was told about us prior to getting engaged. 

Bisexuality is complicated and not just black or white. Robyn Ochs explains it the best;

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

Having had 4 bi girlfriends, including my wife, I agree with the above. It is not just wanting a woman in all areas of your life. For instance, my wife wants a man for marriage, romance and dating but needs a woman for companionship and needs both for full sexual enjoyment. She felt comfortable enough to tell me about her needs and then she worked it out so there was no cheating involved. You first need to know why your wife was attracted to a woman and why she felt that she had to cheat. Could be that she was afraid that you would divorce her if she told you that she was sexually attracted to woman. Might just have been a drunken night mixed with bi curiosity. My wife did not admit she was bi until she was 64 despite a few thousand sexual encounters with women over her lifetime. She still sometimes refers to bisexual sex as lesbian sex. That is how she was brought up and thinks that what she did with our girlfriend was part of our heterosexual sex which is why she always wanted me to be part of it.

Once you find out why she cheated with a woman, you next need to find out why she felt that she had to cheat. Just so you know, all cheaters will cry and promise never to do it again. However they have proven that they cannot be trusted and can easily lie to you, so take what they say with a grain of salt. Also know that cheaters usually cheat again. Every woman that cheated on me went on to cheat with others. I do not know anyone who just cheated once, even after they were caught. Also do not let her put the blame on you. Some will say that they cheated because their spouse did not do this or that, and forced them to cheat. You really need to get the core of it and the truth. If she is like my wife who needs a woman and a man in her life to be happy, you need to decide how to deal with it. I can tell you that a sex life that includes two women is not a bad way to live. Depends on how you feel about it, how secure you are, and if you can avoid becoming jealous. That is for you to decide. I gave up on monogamy as workable after my ex fiancee cheated on me followed by the rebound girlfriend cheating on me. What she did impacted me so deeply that I lived the rest of my life non monogamous so it was impossible for anyone to cheat on me. You can only cheat if there is a rule against it. I got rid of the rule so I could not be hurt by cheating again. I am lucky. My wife does not want to have sex with other guys. That was tested a few times and she wants no part of it. She will not have sex with a woman unless I take part and that was also tested. We either played with others as a couple or we did not play at all.

I believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. If they insist on monogamy, I can be monogamous, but if they cheat on me, there is no second chance. Trust is very important to me. I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater because that has been my life experience. Never had a wife cheat on me so maybe I would be more willing to give a second chance to a wife due to the messiness of a divorce and the cost. With a girlfriend I just walked away and it did not cost me anything and I found a replacement quickly. I think you should try to save your marriage, but only if you can get a handle on your wife's sexuality and if she can live without a woman in her life. They all cry and say things to minimize what they did so you will never get the whole truth no matter how much they swears. I really never cared what they did or who they did it too. What was important is if I could ever trust them again. You can ask around here and learn that while you can forgive, you never can forget. It takes a very long time to regain trust and even then, it will never be the same as it was. You will forever be suspicious of your wife if she does things out of the ordinary or becomes secretive. She might grow to resent your suspicions. Sometimes that fact that she cheated may be thrown in her face during an intense argument. She may even say that if you treat her as if she is cheating she might as well cheat. 

Personally I do not know if I can live with a knot in my stomach every time my wife came home late, went on a business trip or spent hours shopping without me if we were monogamous. I might give her another chance, but I would be very suspicious and that would probably drive her away again. It is a tough call. We worked it out and maybe you can too. I know everyone things I am horrible and all that but how many can say they are married for over 44 happy years? We worked it out and as my signature says, we made our own morality and did not box ourselves in by other's idea of morality in marriage. The goal is a happy marriage and not living it by a script. Good luck and know that we have known lots of couples with bi spouses and most made it work for them. Remember that it is cheating only if it breaks a rule you both agreed to. We just changed the rules.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I see no difference what the sex of the affair partner is, sex outside of marriage is sex outside of marriage. If you can honor your vows and not act on your attraction to another man, I am not sure why it is any more difficult to do the same for your attractions for a woman.

So OP you should just pick one of the recent threads posted by one of the men here in the same situation. Seems like very many modern women now come with a lack of ability to live up to their word. 

The best thing for you to do is detach and then reassess. Meaning she leaves for a few months and you try to separate your emotions for what is the logical choice. I got to tell you though one year out and she is already cheating, not a good sign, it would be easier to just start over, it's a few years of your life, not 20. She probably has very poor boundaries. You probably have no idea who this women really is or what she has done in the past. Cheaters are good at hiding it. It's in their nature. 

More importantly something is wrong with your picker. I suspect you are not very assertive, cheaters can smell that from a mile away. The fact that she can tell you someone from work kisses her on the lips and you shrug is the tip off. You will need to figure out if I am right or whatever it is and correct that before moving on. 

Though I have to admit that this is becoming so common on here that I am beginning to think maybe this is kind of standard operation procedure now. I mean it's no secret that this kind of behavior has celebrated in articles, tv and movies for a long time. There are any number of articles that seem to give the women a pass on it. It is especially celebrated in women's magazines. Maybe the zeitgeist has just finally spread to the ordinary every women. Not all but a lot. 

Did she quit her job yet?


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

No, i told her to keep her job. She is going to need it if we divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

71bgol said:


> I tend to agree. I'm going to take my time to think about things though. I really love her but logical side says i'm setting myself up for heartbreak again.
> 
> She does seem so sincere tho. In all shes a good person that screwed up big time. She is good with my kids and loves them.
> 
> ...


Yeah...she came, and pushed your buttons and got you to have sex with her as a way to win you back. She knows how to manipulate you. She acts sincere and sorry and that is supposed to make everything fine. You had a panic attack because you knew you were allowing yourself to be manipulated and exploited. Consensual rape is the closest image that comes to my mind. Your wife is a predator. 

71 you must step back and look at the big picture. You and your wife are, ostensibly, still on your honeymoon and already she is engaging in an affair. Truth is, you don't know what she has been doing all this time. The rabbit hole may be much deeper than you suspect. 

I think its great that she is good with your kids. Wonderful. That's fine and dandy. But that is not a reason to stay with her. She is not married to your kids. She is not their wife. 

Marriage requires more than just love and good sex to be a successful marriage. A marriage requires the following:

TRUST.....she failed....

LOYALTY....she failed...

HONESTY...she failed....

INTEGRITY....fail....

EMPATHY....big fail...

ENDURANCE...fail...

COMMITMENT....total fail...

LOVE...questionable...


Be honest with yourself. How has she succeeded in any way in this marriage so far?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Agree with @sokillme. A while ago there was a thread on this subject here. I recall a bi-sexual woman response: cheating is cheating period. 
Bingo !!! 

With some people if it is with a same sex person and out of sight out of mind seems to apply. I disagree, sooner or later it will effect the "main relationship". Also in your wife's case she is the OW or I guesss the Other Person to the OW girlfriend. In short she has chosen to allow another human being to suffer as you and your wife did in your previous marriage. What does that say about her??? 

That question also needs to be answered before reconcilation takes place. Keep the lines open to the OW spouse to some degree with up dates only about your wife's statements and actions (such as she is going out tomorrow night). Important note: thank her for havimg tje courage to contact you and stick to those topics I previously mentioned. Be careful not to allow yourself to become the bad guy.


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

The OW and I have been in regular contact. No way will i ever become the bad guy. She hasn't even tried to go there. She is setting up counseling and looking for a new job. She dumped all the alcohol out at our house before she left, and told her sister to make sure doesn't even think about drinking or play on her phone. She says she is doing it for my comfort because she knows she isnt going to do anything. I talked to her sister, she is completely on my side, and shocked. The other woman told me that my wifes lesbian lover or whatever has a pool tournament tonight at a local bar.(sounds trashy i know) Im tracking her phone, we will see what happens. Her sister is watching her tho. So i doubt she will leave. She shouldnt even know about it if she is no contact.


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

I think your gut was right. I tried R we made it less than 3 years and she cheated again. The thing is IF you were to be ok with the other woman and maybe the three of you, could be tempting, there's still one problem. She did it behind your back. Everyone in swinger style relationships says one very important thing. That is that trust in those relationships is even more important so don't let that idea temp you she couldn't even handle the first 2 years. The honeymoon phase when your supposed to have it easy. She isn't cut out for a marriage and she never will be.

I cheated once when I was umm 19 or 20. Swore I would never do it again. Now I've been cheated on twice. I'll tell you that having it done to you is FAR worse in every way and if she didn't learn not to cheat by being cheated on in her relationship before you she is in no way capable of learning not to cheat by being caught. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tillaan said:


> if she didn't learn not to cheat by being cheated on in her relationship before you she is in no way capable of learning not to cheat by being caught.



This^^^


OP you seemed to skip the step of deciding if this is the type of person you want to spend your life with. Bet you don't know the true story of her first marriage.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@tillmaan and @sokillme are right to express strong reservations. But in this case I might stick around and be supportive to some degree as long there is no Alcohol in the house and she stays on her meds. I would also insist on seeing her IC for first meeting to make sure all the facts are revealed and what the desired outcome is. More then a few therapist have gotten hood winked.

Bipolar I understand runs in the family. What is her family like, her parents marriage, any FOO or CSA issues. One poster here I believe was in therapy for close to a decade before she revealed the CSA. 

I would also see a lawyer on your own without her knowedge to gain information about how a divorce would work out and be ready to file. It is very important to know the standards your court uses to establish custody and use information to enhance a 50/50 split to 60/40 or even a 70/30. It can be done other men have gotten far more then 50/50 because they followed the guidelines listed by their state. 

For example stability is very important so if you can buy her out and stat there your child will be in their childhood Holme and in the same social circle, church/etc, and schools. If a parent lives near by and can fill in when you are gone great yet another win. Then document meais prepared and house hold chores, you got a wining hand. 

So the upside to be patient s you are there for her (in sickness and health) until she goes of the rails again. You also have time to get your game plan in action particularly the meals made and chores done, 

Be well.


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## david bardell (Mar 6, 2017)

Just let her go.imho SHE MADE A CHOICE TO BE GIRL FRIENDLY if she is wired that way it will only cause you more heartache in the long run unless you are happy with her swinging that way occasionally. Her sexuality is hers some people can fall for someone of the same sex apparently and it surprises them as much as it does.Personaly I would be less hurt because at least it wasn't another man but then Im probably different


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

Update

It has been one month. She hasn't had a sip of alcohol and is completely weened off Prozac. She says her head is so much clearer now. She has been crying almost everyday thinking about what she did. We have been to 5 counseling sessions, all of them have went pretty well. The councelor suggested a book called Boundaries and a workbook that goes along with it. She is about halfway through both. I caught her upstairs with her head in the boundaries book crying. She said not only does she realize she had a drinking problem but she had a "me"(herself) problem. She is also attending celebrate recovery at a nearby church every week. She comes home really optimistic with the things shes learning about herself. 

She still claims she is not a cheater and she just got into a funk with the Prozac and alcohol. Before all this she had come to me crying saying she didnt feel as if i loved her anymore, I kind of just shrugged her off and told her I was tired lately and stressed. We were starting to drift apart a little. She knows this and has only brought it up once, but she made if clear its not an excuse to accept attention from someone else.

Im actually really proud of the positive changes she is making. She is still saying she is never going to drink again, and seems excited about it. (her dad is an alcoholic.)

She was at her sisters two weeks. She has since come back and has been sleeping on the coach. She said she isnt going to give up til i have divorce papers in front of her. We set a date in counceling of June 22nd. If I am not feeling any better about this process of R then she will be moving out and I will be filing for divorce. That date is when her son goes to his dads for the summer and is done with school here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Totally a situation of "manipulative tactics to get you back". 

saying she doesn't feel you loved her? check (cheater speak for I didn't think I loved YOU, Btw)
Cheated on you in less than 2 years of marriage? check
Drugs/alcohol? check
bipolar? good freaking grief. check

Dump her. Fast. Find another woman.

Totally easy, on paper. Not so easy in real life. Thing is------ DO IT. Divorce her.


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

How long were the two of you dating before marriage? Im leaning heavily on agreeing with @evenrude58. Thing is if you weren't together for a total of like 4 years or less and things went south fast enough this happened it's going to happen again. Yes her problems contributed but even if she stops drinking there will still be underlying issues that really caused this, the alcohol only made it more likely. 

I'm going to also state I know nothing about prozac and how it effects a person's decision making abilities or if it may have truly contributed to what happened. You should research that and heavily weight your decision on your findings. But shy of finding out it likely caused a mental state where she didn't know what she was doing, I say divorce her and move on. You have no kids together right? There will be plenty of better women to choose from out there.


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

So it's been over five months and we are still together. We are still going to counseling every two weeks which is down from every week. I still love her, but am unsure if I will ever trust her again. 

She is riding my emotional rollercoaster right now. She isn't drinking and is still remorseful. She is still crying or tearing up almost daily if she feels like I'm upset or down. To be honest she is really clingy and asking how I'm doing to much and all over me in general. She is terrified that I hate her now and am going to leave. 

The lesbian coworker text her once from a different phone number since she blocked her number. My wife waited til I got home to respond. I told her I wanted to hear what she had to say. She started with "can you please hear me out." We replied you can say what you have to say but we are in no way talking or friends. Surprisingly she just wanted to apologize for every thing that happen and said she would never disrespect me or our family again. She asked if they could just be work friends so it's not awkward when they run into each other or have to talk. My wife told her they will only be communicating in a limited work capacity, and it's not appropriate for them to be friends. She said she understood and was sorry again. 

Like I said I'm still on the fence about things. Our counseling seems to think things are going great and that my wife has recognized what contributed to the affair and has made efforts to correct them. 

I honestly didn't know someone was capable of such remorse. She has owned up to everything. Taken heat when I'm feeling angry about things, been understanding when I'm feeling down. 

The thing that sucks is Looking back i could see the signs leading up to this as far as her displaying selfishness at times. Shes almost like a completely different person now. She is upset even about fights we had in the past when her emotional selfishness took over. She's like the perfect wife now. Unfortunately I'm scared it's to late.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your wife seems to be reconciliation material. You might want to discuss this with some guys who been there and made it back. Particularly @drifting on @Wazza and @MovingFrwd.


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

So another update..

I confronted her and told her I want a polygraph to move past some things. She agreed but seemed sort of irritated and thought it was a step back. One of the questions was asking if there was any sexual activity other then kissing. She always maintained all they ever did was kiss, period. I wanted the polygraph purely to see if she was still lying to me. Flash forward 2 days(today). She tells me there is something she needs to tell me so she doesn't fail the polygraph. She told me the girl put her hand down her pants and got to her vagina. She said as soon as she got all the way down she pulled her hand out and said she wasn't going to do that with her. 

I told her I was going to rephrase the question to see if that's all that happen. Maybe ask if she ever made her orgasm. 

I'm not sure how to take this. She says she didn't think it was a big enough deal for her to tell me since it didn't go far, and I can ask all the questions I want about it. I did ask her multiple times if the chick ever put her hand down her pants and she said no before the threat of a polygraph. This is definitely a step back.....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

((sigh)) I am going to refrain from my usual pounding on this. I just get so tired of this stuff. You know it's not a good sign that she was still covering stuff up already. The idea that she thought it was not a big enough deal to tell you is pure bull**** and you both know it. At the very least you should call her on that one. Not a good sign. at all. If you are wiling to over look that just make sure you push on through with the polly. One other thing I would caution you is do you really know the true story of her first marriage? I mean I will never understand people who have been cheated on and can still cheat. Knowing the pain it causes and still doing it. Never understand it. But maybe that is not what happened really. 

By the way why did you not make her get a new job. That women is still there, you really have no idea if they are in contact. At the very least I would make that question a part of the polly -- "Has there ever been any communication I am not aware of past or present". 

Look there are enough threads on here by people (men especially) who try to live with it only to eventually realize they can't. Sometimes years later. Thing is all those years are lost. Here are two observations I have noticed in my year or so of reading these threads. One did you idolize your wife and your relationship with her before this happened? Was part of the mystique that what you had was sacred, and special. Like you and her against the world. Is this how you want to think about your spouse in general. If that was a big part of your bond and what you wanted in a relationship, I doubt you will get that back. I think that one more then any other ends up killing the relationship, especially if you don't have kids together. I think if that was part of your bond eventually your love for her will die. She will just become another person to you. Some can grow to admire the change and really have the ability to just move forward. But those who feel loyalty and specialness is a big part of the attraction really have a hard time. 

The second is if you said before this happened that you will never stay with a cheater. Some say you don't know until it happens, but personally I always see this as the true indicator of where your feelings lie on this matter. It doesn't seem to change for a lot of those who stay, it's just that in the trauma of when you first find out you are not ready to act on it. They may even be OK with it while they are dealing with the fallout. However reading a lot of these threads I think this is one of the things that eat away at people as I think many of them grow to believe that they are betraying themselves and a core value they had. It leaves them feeling very down on themselves and depressed. I think if you always felt this way it is hard to change that belief over night even if you live your life not acting on it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks it's what they think. Even if it's only in the back of their mind. It slowly kills them and in killing them it kills their love for their WS. After all it's the WS that forces them to live like that. 

To me those would be the key things to think about. You don't want to be back here in 5 years still writing like this, how you are still not over it and basically no longer love your wife. There are many threads like that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

71bgol said:


> So another update..
> 
> I confronted her and told her I want a polygraph to move past some things. She agreed but seemed sort of irritated and thought it was a step back. One of the questions was asking if there was any sexual activity other then kissing. She always maintained all they ever did was kiss, period. I wanted the polygraph purely to see if she was still lying to me. Flash forward 2 days(today). She tells me there is something she needs to tell me so she doesn't fail the polygraph. She told me the girl put her hand down her pants and got to her vagina. She said as soon as she got all the way down she pulled her hand out and said she wasn't going to do that with her.
> 
> ...


Get ready for more trickle truth. Hell, maybe speed it up a bit:

The next time you talk with her, drop a couple of heavy hints that the poly questions might address any undisclosed cheating -- whether with women or men -- in the past.


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

The 2 other poly questions are actually 1. Is there any infidelity that has not been disclosed. 2. Have you had contact with "name" that has not been disclosed post affair.

No, I called her on her bull**** and called her a liar. She admitted she didn't want me to know that. She thought it was something I didn't need to know as well. 

I'm taking everything you say to heart. Yes, one of the things we always talked about is how we will never cheat on each other. So it is going to be tough. I'm going ahead with the poly and will see how I feel if she passes.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

71bgol said:


> So another update..
> 
> I confronted her and told her I want a polygraph to move past some things. She agreed but seemed sort of irritated and thought it was a step back. One of the questions was asking if there was any sexual activity other then kissing. She always maintained all they ever did was kiss, period. I wanted the polygraph purely to see if she was still lying to me. Flash forward 2 days(today). She tells me there is something she needs to tell me so she doesn't fail the polygraph. She told me the girl put her hand down her pants and got to her vagina. She said as soon as she got all the way down she pulled her hand out and said she wasn't going to do that with her.
> 
> ...


Yes but it's another 10 pages of "updates"

hurrah!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Trickle truth is part of the program.

It's most often twice as bad as what you're initially told.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hope you two work things out.

She got her one mistake.....

The second falls off the rug into the marital waste can....... and her tail with it.


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I hope you two work things out.
> 
> She got her one mistake.....
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

71bgol said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > I hope you two work things out.
> ...


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

I will definitely ask her about that.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> 71bgol said:
> 
> 
> > You are not supposed to disclose the questions before you take the test, that way she can't prepared for them. If you did you should meet with the examiner and have him help you switch up the questions so she can't be prepared. The goal of the polygraph is to figure out if your wife is telling the truth. The counselor is not helping you on this if she is coaching your wife. Sigh....
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Trickle... Trickle... Trickle...


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

We changed the questions up a bit. She passed all the questions and failed all the control questions she was supposed to fail. So I'm confident she was telling the truth. 

I would urge anyone I'm my situation thinking about doing a polygraph to do it. I'm not going around in circles in my head anymore. 

I'm still wondering sometimes if I made the right decision to stay with her. From what I read that is somewhat normal for the first couple of years. I still feel like we are in a probationary Period. If anything else comes out, which it shouldn't, I think the marriage will be over.


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

as long as your a nice guy she will never respect you love is just words and she needs to quit her job asap no working with the affair partner no more girls night outs.


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## 71bgol (Nov 30, 2013)

Yes, I've already set no girls night out as a boundary, she has agreed. 

Honestly, the job thing. I've got an inside person there. I do believe she is done with the chick completely. She knows the consequences. It is a good job. She would not be able to make as much anywhere else. They don't have to communicate very often. She texts me every time, and exactly what is said. I don't want her to quit. She has offered multiple times and even had her resignation emailed typed, and I deleted it. Besides, if things don't work out for some reason she will need that job. 

Like I said, she has done everything I have asked of her, and I still just don't know. Honestly I have all the power right now. She's knows I could still end it at anytime and she couldn't be mad.


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