# My wife's mom died. When should I leave?



## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

_NOTE: This was originally part of my last post, which is so crazy long that I fear it is becoming confusing and nebulous to many folks, including myself, so here goes with a sort of new issue that has stemmed from the original issue(s)._ 

Right now my wife is so traumatized by the death of her mother, that things are in a sort of in a holding pattern now with my leaving. We don't talk about my leaving. But when we actually sat down recently, face-to-face, and she told me she read my email about her getting pregnant (yes! I actually had to email her my thoughts on that because we don't really speak) and she said she will not have children, and she does not want children, and she hates the idea of having children, then it just really sank into me once and for all that this is the end of the line.

I believe awhile back I mentioned that she was beginning to look like her mother, and that her mother was not attractive, and that likely contributed to my not being attracted to her anymore. Well, now it is really worse than it could ever be since I was in the room when they took her off life support. It was a horrible situation to be in. I was between my wife and the monitor, and across the bed was my MIL's boyfriend, and at the foot of the bed was my wife's dad. It took about 20 minutes for her to flatline. Had that not been done, the Doctors said she would be dead within 3 days anyway because of the swelling in her brain. She was just laying there with her mouth opened, and her head to the side, and she looked like she was sleeping. Last week my wife fell asleep on the couch, and the room had about the same amount of light as the ICU room, and I looked at her and she was laying just like her mom, with her mouth open, and it scared the hell out of me. Like I said, she has already begin to look like her mom (NOT a good thing!). On top of everything else, I did not need to see that.

I have mentioned in the past that my wife seems to have a layer of depression hanging over her, which I know she inherited from her mother, and she knows this, and yet still has done nothing about it. She does not even seem willing to do anything about this now even though the Doctor told us that her mother seemed to have stopped taking her Diabetes medicine about a month before ending up in the emergency room. Her boyfriend confirmed that she had not checked her levels in a month (I think there is a "tester" for that sort of thing). Her body was so totally destroyed that when I spoke to the Doctor about donating her organs, etc. I was told that her body was already reviewed while she was in the hospital and they turned down everything because it was all worthless. She had Kidney failure. She had Lung failure. Her eyes were destroyed. Brain damage. I thought they could at least take the skin, but they wanted nothing. 

In all the years and years I knew her mother, I NEVER heard her mother laugh. I NEVER saw her mom smile. Ever.

I rarely see my wife smile. I rarely hear her laugh. When she does, it is is response to some idiotic tv show, or while talking to her friend she has known since she was 14.

Anyway, losing one of our favorite cats, and her losing her mother has made things chaotic. She is an only child. It was up to her (and me) to go through her mother's possessions. She was a hoarder. Her boyfriend was always forbidden to touch anything, so he did not know what to do. I don't even want to begin telling you how much time and energy I had to spend putting things in trash cans. She held on to everything. Seriously. My wife found halloween makeup from 30+ years ago. Candy, too. And 27 huge rubber bins of cheap stuffed animals! Layers of dust and filth. Paperwork from forever ago that was worthless! every damn article of clothing I think she ever owned! Food that expired years ago! Furniture that was falling apart. Hundreds of VHS tapes, for crying out loud.

What the hell kind of family did I marry in to? Man, I really screwed up. Yes, she was nice, and sweet, and honest, and pleasant when I met her, but it was the sex that drew me in. Well, what good did it do me ... or her ... since we don't even have that anymore?

I need hardly add that my wife and I have not had sex at all this year. As many of you know, she and I did not have sex last year either. I think it was the year before that we had sex on her birthday. Before that ... I really don't remember.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> _NOTE: This was originally part of my last post, which is so crazy long that I fear it is becoming confusing and nebulous to many folks, including myself, so here goes with a sort of new issue that has stemmed from the original issue(s)._
> 
> Right now my wife is so traumatized by the death of her mother, that things are in a sort of in a holding pattern now with my leaving. We don't talk about my leaving. But when we actually sat down recently, face-to-face, and she told me she read my email about her getting pregnant (yes! I actually had to email her my thoughts on that because we don't really speak) and she said she will not have children, and she does not want children, and she hates the idea of having children, then it just really sank into me once and for all that this is the end of the line.
> 
> ...



Your wife's mother died and she is so tramatized, she needs time alone and gather herself. Or you could stay and try and be strong for her.

You would like to have children but she hates the idea. That could be a deal breaker. Marriage Counseling.

I wouldn't of said, you're starting to look like your mother. Big mistake, even though I'm sure you didn't mean anything nasty by it.

Watching her mom be taken off life support and then die, that's very devastating and she really needs time to gather herself and you both should go to marriage counseling.

Her mother never smiled or laughed and was going through life long depression. Now you wonder and probably know your wife will go through something similar if she hasn't started to do so already.

Find out those tv shows that make her laugh and watch them with her. Find out about her friend from 14 years ago. Facebook? Chat with this lady and learn what you can do to help your wife smile, laugh and get through this tough time in her life.

You've had sex on her birthday and that's about it for 2 years? Yikes!!!


You can either man up and be supportive and strong for your wife and get marriage counseling and even therapy for her or you can move on and more than likely find a woman that isn't like this at all, has a sex drive, smiles, laughs and wants kids too. The choice is yours.

Wish you the best on this.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Thank you for your reply.

I have not told my wife she looks like her mother. At least not recently. Maybe 6 moths ago I did because my wife never smiles and is gaining wait and is very negative. But since her mother's death ... no, I would not say that. I am not cruel.

Marriage counseling is not an option. My wife barely speaks. She never spoke much. It is not going to start now. If we did, she'd spend the entire time crying. 

I am not going to start watching Glee and reruns of Frasier. 

I now her best friend from high school. Nice lady. She has kids and is getting divorced. I spoke to her yesterday, as a matter of fact, trying to encourage her to call my wife and cheer her up since she has been so depressed. I did not know my wife when she was 14. I figured her friend could say fun stories about hanging out with her mom in high school, etc. I also asked her friend about her opinion about getting my wife to agree to having children. her friend told me that my wife spoke to het abut it, and is not interested in it.

I have to go. It is just a matter of when. I can't stick around here for a year just because my wife is upset. I have done a lot to help her and her family during these times. It has taken a lot out of me, too. But I have finally reached the point where i have absolutely had it. I have made the decision. It has taken me a long time to realize hw important it is for me to move on with my life. I am not getting any younger. I really need to go. It is for the best for me. And probably for her, too.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Sounds like a rough situation you are in.

Basically you were planning to leave (did she know this) and her mother died and you want to know when is a good time to go through with it?

i would say wait until she is stable, once it seems she is capable of handling day to day stress and has had time to morn/grief the loss of her mother add a month or two for good measure and then go through with the divorce. Its hard to say exactly how long, i would imagine a few months but def no reason to wait more than a year.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

> Marriage counseling is not an option. My wife barely speaks. She never spoke much. It is not going to start now. If we did, she'd spend the entire time crying.


I sympathize with your situation however I have read this and the entire previous thread you wrote on this topic, and I have to say, being honest, that you come across as being very hard on your wife.

That is not to say that you 2 belong together (seems obvious you don't) - rather I feel as if you take a little too much glee in outlining all the ways your wife is a disaster. As in, "can you believe my rotten luck, marrying into this train wreck?"

I don't believe for a moment that there is no possibility she could ever open up in marriage counseling, for instance. Yes some people are quiet or introverts and yes her depression might give her a flat affect but that does not mean she has nothing to say if given the right judgment-free forum. 



> I am not going to start watching Glee and reruns of Frasier.


See now this is what I am talking about. There is a subtext of superiority in your comments. Lots of people like Frasier (yes even reruns). Lots of people like cheesy TV. What of it? 

I wish I could hear your wife's side of the story, honestly. By definition this will be one-sided since it is only you posting here - but the culmination of your posts starts to read like piling on a weak, depressed, and unhappy person.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback. The reason that Marriage Counseling will not work is because I don't want it to work. I know that sounds dreadful but she and I should never have gotten married. We are not right for each other. She can not change because she is unable to be what I want in a wife, and if all she wants is for someone to sit and watch Modern Family or whatever, then that is not me.

Also, sex with her is always going to suck. I do not want to kiss or have sex with someone who looks so much like her mother. It was not like this 4 or 5 years ago, but then something just happened. I know that is not her fault, but for crying out loud, you should have seen her mother! 

It is really bad. How bad? I can not stand the sound of her sneezing. I can't stand it when once and awhile she uses a word that her mother would use. I don't want to hear her crunch on potato chips! I really don't like her anymore.

Considering the last paragraph, what does it really matter how much I make fun of, or insult her? What does it matter if I think I am superior to her or not? What does it matter how I write what I wrote? If I come across as sarcastic or in a derogatory tone it is probably a semi-subconscious way or making a bit of lite of this situation I am in, where I am so unhappy.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make her life great, and my life great, either together or apart. I am not a jerk. I am not looking to leave in the middle of the night and have her wondering what went wrong. Simply put, this "marriage" did not work out. And as I read in another post here, the person who wants the children is in the right. I want children. She does not. There is no negotiating on that point. Does she deserve to have me resent her for the rest of my life? For what reason, so we can sit and watch Glee together, feed out cats together, pay our bills together, and never ever have sex again? 

I do not expect to ever have sex with my wife ever again. She does not want to and I don't want to. If we did, it would be incredibly uncomfortable. It would be the equivalent of screwing a toilet bowl. It would just be a process to get fluids out of my body. With one difference. The toilet bowl would be warmer.


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