# Finally



## vn1955

After six months of separation due to his infidelity, we're finally in marital counseling per his request. In December of 2013 he started an emotional/over-the-phone affair with a female across the country. He detached himself from me and our two kids. I discovered these hours of conversations in April of this year and he left. It's been a rollercoaster until I finally had it and filed for divorce three weeks ago. 

Since then he has called this female in front of me and told her it was over. He gave me access to his Facebook and cell phone records. We have gone to two marital counseling sessions. We've done our homework given, which is to go out on dates and for him to contact me more throughtout the day. He also agreed to change his cell# and block her. I think I've been very strong throughout all this and have been reasonable to the changes I want him to make to help me heal. All I want is to feel safe. 

Yesterday I texted him and asked him to meet me at the cell phone company to change his number and block her. He texted back stating he will not change his # and he'll be doing it over the phone. In addition, he stated he had an appointment after work and couldn't go. When I asked what his appointment was for, he replied "Why do you have to know? But if you do, it's at the bank". Needless to say I was upset beyond means. How is this suppose to help me heal and trust? Why is he being resistant? After counseling on Tuesday he even gave me a big hug. He hasn't contacted me since then. What should I do?


----------



## clipclop2

Continue the divorce.


----------



## commonsenseisn't

clipclop2 said:


> Continue the divorce.


Ditto

And this time play hardball and take no prisoners. 

Belligerent cheaters can't understand any other language. 

If you don't I promise you that you will get jerked around in a false reconciliation that will destroy your soul. Sorry.


----------



## commonsenseisn't

btw, he has resumed contact with her and taken the affair underground.


----------



## clipclop2

Probably. 

Sorry he had gone this route.


----------



## ConanHub

If I had done something that horrible to my wife and she gave me another chance, she would have breakfast in bed, massages at night, dates with Romeo and sex with Conan the barbarian for as long as she wanted, whenever she wanted.

My life would be hers....... Wait, it already is.

Point being, he should be doing his best to be an ideal husband, something he should have been doing all along.

He sounds like he needs his ass handed to him.

Please do hand it to him. Maybe he will learn, maybe you just kick a jerks ass.

Either way is a win.

Sorry, you and your kid/kids (sorry did not pay attention to that part) deserve way better than he is so far willing to give.


----------



## vn1955

I agree with you all. He should be doing everything to regain my trust. It was my birthday this weekend and all he did was send me a lowsy text saying "Happy Birthday". My mother-in-law at least called me and we cried over the phone. She told me to move on and close this chapter in my life. 

We have a an appt for marital counseling this Tuesday. We'll see if he shows. If he does, I'll be cutting ties with him so he understands that I won't be strung along. Our counselor is AMAZING and he'll give him a good kick ass during the session.

Thank you! I gotta keep moving forward.


----------



## ConanHub

There are good men who will fit your bill. Take your sweet time.

My wife was a 2x divorcee and a single mom when she met me.

That was over 23 years ago and we are more in love today than ever.


----------



## clipclop2

You are going to be fine. We are here for you.


----------



## Canon in D

So sorry you have to endure this crap from him. He did you wrong, he should swallow his pride and do whatever he can to win you back. A real man who loves his family will want to work on the marriage for his kids and fulfill his marriage vows. 

I'm new in this forum here, I always find it so heart warming to read comments from members who care and provide support. Stay strong, sister, don't let him play you again.


----------



## commonsenseisn't

vn1955 said:


> She told me to move on and close this chapter in my life.


This is very telling. When a cheating spouses' parent tells you this you know that divorce is the correct path. 

Very sorry for your hurt. I'm impressed with your fortitude to see it through. You'll be ok.


----------



## vn1955

Everyone here is so supportive and wise. I'm so grateful to have found this site. I'll keep posting more details as they come. It really helps when others see what I can't. Maybe our stories will help others as well. Getting ready to go for a Halloween hike with my kiddoes all dressed up- wouldn't trade these moments for anything or anyone in the world. God bless you all!


----------



## vn1955

ConanHub said:


> There are good men who will fit your bill. Take your sweet time.
> 
> My wife was a 2x divorcee and a single mom when she met me.
> 
> That was over 23 years ago and we are more in love today than ever.


You give me hope that I'll one day find a man like you- willing to take the entire package. Never did I think I'd be a single mom, but I'll take the challenge because we deserve better. I'm blessed with a career, can support my house and kids on my own, even without his child support. Thank you.


----------



## vn1955

As suspected, he texted and said he'd no longer be attending marriage counseling. Can't say I was surprised. I'm grateful to have gotten some closure and to sit there while the male counselor tore him a new one. Continuing with the divorce and I won't fall for it anymore. It's been a hard few days, but now I know I never want to go back to him. He is no longer the same man I married and I would never be with a cheater and jerk.


----------



## ConanHub

Sorry your H chose such a destructive path but I am glad you have closure.

I hope you get everything you need in the settlement and at least there can be some peace in your home with your kids.

Your health and well being will be felt by your children.

I wish you all the happiness that can be had in this life. Lord knows you could sure use some joy now.

Have you been developing any plans for a fulfilling single life?

I am not talking about the dating scene but more simple pleasures. You should take some time and resources to just pamper yourself and your kids.

Do you have family and friends that you can lean on?

You should not have to go through this alone.


----------



## vn1955

ConanHub said:


> Sorry your H chose such a destructive path but I am glad you have closure.
> 
> I hope you get everything you need in the settlement and at least there can be some peace in your home with your kids.
> 
> Your health and well being will be felt by your children.
> 
> I wish you all the happiness that can be had in this life. Lord knows you could sure use some joy now.
> 
> Have you been developing any plans for a fulfilling single life?
> 
> I am not talking about the dating scene but more simple pleasures. You should take some time and resources to just pamper yourself and your kids.
> 
> Do you have family and friends that you can lean on?
> 
> You should not have to go through this alone.


ConanHub,

Thank you for your inspirational words. 

I'm currently going to DivorceCare and the people there are so supportive. I also have a very close group of friends and family. I'm finally going to open up to my co-workers- they've been so worried about me. Ultimately, I do feel alone some days. My STBXH will be taking my kids to his apartment for the weekend for the first time.

I'm looking forward to some joy in my life. I already find peace when I walk into my house with my kids after a long day of school and work. I'm not enjoying my singleness yet, I loved been married, but I'll adjust in time. I thank God for blessing me with two beautiful treasures.


----------



## ConanHub

It sure sounds like you have a great support base.

I would feel lonely too. I love being married but if Mrs. Conan ever pulled a stunt like your H, I would not put up with it.

Like I said before, just take your sweet time. After a while of focusing on yourself, you will become healthier and then you will really start to enjoy life again.

Your marriage was not a waste or total failure. You have two beautiful children and you are not the one who decided to neglect your marriage and betray your family.

There are faithful men out there. Take your time when you are ready.

God bless.


----------



## ConanHub

P.S. Got something fun planned for this weekend?

You maybe shouldn't be alone. Depression can set in.


----------



## commonsenseisn't

vn1955 said:


> I know I never want to go back to him. He is no longer the same man I married and I would never be with a cheater and jerk.


You will probably need to remind yourself of this in the near future as the drama unfolds. Be prepared for a roller coaster of sometimes conflicting emotions. 

Brace yourself for the stages of grief as you mourn the loss of your marriage and the man he used to be. 

I hope you will surround yourself with supportive people and you might consider a temporary prescription for dealing with anxiety. 

See a lawyer immediately to protect your interests. Good luck.


----------



## vn1955

ConanHub said:


> P.S. Got something fun planned for this weekend?
> 
> You maybe shouldn't be alone. Depression can set in.


Alone is what I need right now. I haven't had a moment to breathe and do paperwork. I'll be cleaning out his last items from the house today and boxing them up. The kids are with him for the first time the entire weekend at his apartment, so I'm gonna take advantage and begin clearing more of his items. 

Yes, I'll cry and be depressed, but I have to go through the process. I can't prolong reality. He finally removed his name from our joint checking accounts. It's just another step to reality. 

I miss my kids already. But Halloween was great and I know that I had that moment with them, and he missed it.

God give me strength to pull through another weekend and protect my kids.


----------



## rhonda1971

It's very hard, but you will get through this. I am going through the same thing, but everyday gets better and better.

Hugs to you



vn1955 said:


> Alone is what I need right now. I haven't had a moment to breathe and do paperwork. I'll be cleaning out his last items from the house today and boxing them up. The kids are with him for the first time the entire weekend at his apartment, so I'm gonna take advantage and begin clearing more of his items.
> 
> Yes, I'll cry and be depressed, but I have to go through the process. I can't prolong reality. He finally removed his name from our joint checking accounts. It's just another step to reality.
> 
> I miss my kids already. But Halloween was great and I know that I had that moment with them, and he missed it.
> 
> God give me strength to pull through another weekend and protect my kids.


----------



## sammy3

On so many levels it makes it easier to move on when the WW doesn't want to come back. You have no choice.

~sammy


----------

