# Will their relationship work?



## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I just found out that my husband, who moved out a couple of months ago, has just moved in with a woman who used to be a friend of mine.

I ended my friendship with her about a year ago because I felt she was behaving inappropriately with my husband, swimming topless when they were alone together, calling him darling in text messages, but my husband always swore that there was nothing going on between them other than a mutual love of rock climbing.

Last Friday a friend of mine saw this woman and she couldn't wait to tell her that she was moving in with my husband that day. She told her that they were in love and wanting to make a real go of it. I called my husband to hear it from him and he told me that her moving in wasn't ideal but she had to move out of her home because she'd been cheating on her boyfriend, who was also a friend of my husband's, with him for the last couple of weeks and had no place else to go.

I just can't believe that someone I was in love with can behave like this, it belongs on Jerry Springer. I feel devastated that I've been betrayed like this with the one woman I really intensely dislike in the world. Why would someone do this? Is it possible that they're really in love and will have a successful relationship out of this?

I feel so stupid for allowing this person into my life. She told me when I met her that she needed a lot of attention from men and although she'd been with her partner for nearly 20 years, she'd cheated on him many times but always went back to him. Why didn't I run away screaming right there and then?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

No the relationship will not last. It was birthed in the slime of lies, cheating and deception. Studies show that almost all relationships the evolve from an affair fail. A combination of the guilt that follows the failure of a marriage(s) and that the people involved tend to have shown themselves to be weak and of low moral character. Not the stock to make a good partner. The cycle will continue as they are both cheaters. You husband will most likely be left high and dry by her shortly. He may come back tail between his legs. The question you need to answer now is, will you take him back? Sorry this has happened to you, time to work on yourself, be happy without him and move on.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I doubt it honey. You said it, she cheated on her partner numerous times throughout their relationship, and she admits to needing attention from men all the time. It won't be long before it all goes to crap.

I do think seeing a counselor is a good idea, just to do some sould searching. I am trying to get in now just to see if I can sort myself out.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I guess I had hoped when he moved out that he would see how stupid he'd been to let me go. I guess ego is a powerful thing. I don't think I could ever take him back now after this. How could I face myself every day.

I spoke to him tonight where he told me that he was in tears at the thought that we could no longer be friends because he's always thought of me as someone he could rely on and trust. He also said he wanted to make his new relationship work so that all the pain he's caused wasn't in vain. I don't know what to make of that. I feel like it may just be manipulation of me to relieve his guilt.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Tired, do you want to reconcile with your husband? Is this affair out in the open, or is he hiding it from influential people in his life?


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

The relationship is sort of in the open, largely thanks to my telling a lot of our friends, but the cheating side of it has been hidden from people including his parents.
I don't think I want to reconcile but nor do I want him to move on from me with the woman who drove such a wedge in our relationship and is also a liar and a cheat.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Tired..it's simple, tell everyone what's going on, then you're not taking him back and maybe shame will split *him* from her because she obviously doesn't have the 'shame' gene.

IMO..I have found, there is a time to take the high road, and a time to unleash the dogs..and this is doggy time.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Tell him that you'd understand better if she was some sort of better hotter woman than you are. That at least makes sense. But he's moving down the ladder and you just think he's an embrassing idiot for wanting her.

Tell him he should get STD tested every month while he's with her.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

He just sent me a message saying that " I genuinely have a good
time with her and would like to have a go at a relationship. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. I really appreciate you looking out for me, i'm glad you are in my life. I have learnt a lot from you and do have the utmost respect for you, although you may not think that right now"
I think that makes it clear that his call was just manipulation, how could he have changed his tone so much in 12 hours.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I think I interpreted our discussion last night as an indication of his fear that what he was doing may not be worth it. He is a person who can't stand for people to think less of him


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Tiredofthedrama said:


> nor do I want him to move on from me with the woman who drove such a wedge in our relationship and is also a liar and a cheat.


Believe me, this relationship will fail, and quicker than you think. Sorry you must endure this.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I hope you're right amplexor. I know that's not the PC thing to say but it's the truth.

Hunt Brown, I understand where you're coming from but I'm human and I have feelings and emotions and am therefore unable to just move on that quickly. I'm not sitting around hoping that he'll come back to me. What i'm hoping for is an end to the disrespect that i've received from a person that I made a lifetime commitment to, especially when the act includes a friend that betrayed me. That's an incredibly painful thing to face.

I also didn't include in my earlier post, where I discussed that he was in tears at the thought that we could no longer be friends because he's always thought of me as someone he could rely on and trust and he also said he wanted to make his new relationship work so that all the pain he's caused wasn't in vain, that he ended the conversation in tears apologising because he knew that I probably didn't want to hear it and saying that he didn't know why he was telling me these things. Maybe that gives a bit more context to why I took it the way I did. However, I may still have been wrong, and in all likelihood was, I don't deny that.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Tired, if you think there is even a remote possiblility that you want to recover the relationship, then call his parents and anyone else who has positive influence with him and tell them everything that is going on. Don't tell him you are going to do it, and don't wait until he has time to rewrite your marital history and explain to them "how bad it has been for years". You cannot recover the marriage while he is involved with this woman. The affair must be broken up first. It sounds as if he knows what he is doing is wrong and won't work out in the long term.

Of course this is your decision. Recovering the marriage would be a long and difficult process. Only you can decide if it's worth it.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I have done that already, not to recover the relationship, but more to ensure that everybody knew what was going on so that they couldn't hide the shabbiness of what was occurring.

I think after the message I received today that its clear to me that nothing will change his mind about what he's doing. We all know what the first few months of a relationship are like, when everything's new and everyone's on their best behaviour, there's nothing anyone can say or do to stop it. Especially since her having a boyfriend who was also my husband's friend was not a deterrent for either of them.

She's returning to her native country on Sunday for 5 weeks with her ex boyfriend. Apparently the trip was planned months ago and they didn't want to change the plans. Since they both come from the same town they'll be travelling there together but wont be "together", although considering they'd been together for nearly 20 years, i'm sure they'll cross paths visiting mutual friends. Maybe that will give him some time to think? I fear it will just be a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Tiredofthedrama said:


> I hope you're right amplexor. I know that's not the PC thing to say but it's the truth.
> .


The PC thing to do is not walk out on your spouse for another. He will reap what he has sewn.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Tired, you are correct that there is nothing else that can be done right now if you've exposed already. If it gives any comfort, affairs generally last 7 months, then die a natural death. Dealing with reality is much more difficult than the fantasy of the affair, and the trust issues will always be a problem. If you're willing to wait, he'll probably be ready to repair the marriage when this relationship falls apart. I probably couldn't do it, but of course everyone is different.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I see this stuff happen all the time. There is no way to predict success or failure in this or any other relationship. Some fail in a month, so go for 20 years.

I'd be a big liar if I said I never thought about how to work this kind of thing myself. But I would have to be a really good judge of character to make the exact right decision, and there's a really huge risk riding on what is little more than a guess.

The guy's a rat. Take anything of his or that reminds you of him to the thrift store. Join a tennis club. Good riddance and get on with your life.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

Its very hard to get distance in this situation. Just this morning I've had three messages from him about things like asking me to do him a favour and look into how to set up his business as a company, telling me some goss about his old boss we both hated and then asking if he could get his hands free kit which is still in my car.
Am I wrong to feel like he should ask his new partner to look up how to set up a company, share his goss with her, and just buy a new hands free kit rather than ask me about one that's been sitting unused in my car for over a year?
I feel like i'm just being kept in a cycle with him of trying to still be this great, friendly woman that he wouldn't betray.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I think that's a very good idea, especially since she's going away for five weeks in just a few days. I don't want to be his support person until her return. I've had another dozen messages this morning that have been very friendly and reminiscent, where he's been complimenting my bargaining skills and bringing up funny stories from our past. I can't keep having the situation be so confused. If I was him I would be so wrapped up in my new relationship that I wouldn't want to do that with my ex but I guess its important to him that I don't see him as a bad guy. However, that's his problem, I need to look out for myself.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Tired, there's nothing wrong with being cordial, but I wouldn't do anything to help keep the affair going, even if you have no intention of recovering the marriage. That would include helping him generate income, set up a new residence, etc. Heck, if I KNEW there was no way I could go through that process, I'd go to plan FU, change my number, and get him out of my life entirely. You won't start healing until you don't see or hear from him at all. If there is a possibility of recovery, be nice and cordial, take care of yourself, and make home an inviting place. The possibility of the affair resulting in a long term relationship is very low, especially if he can see what he's missing with you.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Tiredofthedrama said:


> What i'm hoping for is an end to the disrespect that i've received from a person that I made a lifetime commitment to, especially when the act includes a friend that betrayed me. That's an incredibly painful thing to face.
> 
> I also didn't include in my earlier post, where I discussed that he was in tears at the thought that we could no longer be friends because he's always thought of me as someone he could rely on.
> he ended the conversation in tears apologising because he knew that I probably didn't want to hear it and saying that he didn't know why he was telling me these things. Maybe that gives a bit more context to why I took it the way I did. However, I may still have been wrong, and in all likelihood was, I don't deny that.


Im amazed that he thinks you could be friends, how can a person be friends with someone who betrays them, disrespects them, and why does she need to know about his adulterous relationship?


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I'm amazed too, after the dozen messages this morning, I got another dozen this afternoon where he was asking me about a tax issue a friend of his was having. Then that was followed up with a phone call to discuss the same thing. I feel like the contact has gone up a thousand fold since his girlfriend moved in. I guess it's his guilt and inability to have me dislike him that's driving the behaviour, yes?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

It sounds to me like he's suffering from a bit of "buyer's remorse". He's happy with some aspects with this new gal, but realizing all the the things that you took care of for him. He wants to maintain a friendship with you, but also wants you to keep taking care of things for him that he released you of responsibility to do when he left.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

The have your cake and eat it syndrome? Sounds about right to me.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Tiredofthedrama said:


> She's returning to her native country on Sunday for 5 weeks with her ex boyfriend. Apparently the trip was planned months ago and they didn't want to change the plans. Since they both come from the same town they'll be travelling there together but wont be "together", although considering they'd been together for nearly 20 years, i'm sure they'll cross paths visiting mutual friends. Maybe that will give him some time to think? I fear it will just be a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder.


She is more interested in her boyfriend than your husband.

Your husband is her back up plan.

You are your husbands back up plan.

If eveything falls apart with her, he wants to be able to go back to you. That's why he needs to keep things nice between you and him as possible.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

A poster on another site has made me think that this is no rebound relationship or something he hasn't thought through.
Its likely that they've been forming an emotional attachment with each other for the last year and once he was single, they've made a conscious decision to pursue a relationship. He isn't unsure about the relationship, he's moved her into his home and betrayed his friend to do it. His contact with me is nothing more than a tool to alleviate his guilt.
That's incredibly painful to believe.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Tired, this situation happens quite often, and as myself and others have pointed out, it most likely won't last. Deceit and betrayal just aren't ingredients of a lasting relationship.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I have a theory that a dog is always looking for his perfect *****. I suspect that the may have found each other's perfect match.


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