# New member



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Good evening all, I am a new member who only recently was told by my wife that she "is done" and wants out. We have been married for 23 years. She had been divorced with a son and together we had a daughter. Both children have left the house to start their lives.She left last week and moved into a girl friends apartment. We met this evening to talk. I told her I still loved her and wanted to do counseling. She reluctantly agreed but said she had no illusions it would help. I told her that I didn't want to talk about our issues tonite because I didn't think we could ever untangle the knot of resentment, hurt, anger and defensiveness that seems to have consumed our relationship. Although I did not want to talk about our issues, she apparently did. She told me how for the past three years she had dedicated herself to make me happy. She said she tried everything to get me interested but never received any attention. My side of the story is that she was always busy, not feeling well, tired or otherwise unavailable. It was like we had been living on different planets for the last three years. I don't know what to think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Counseling won't work if she has already replaced you.

It;s important to make sure that a third person hasn't entered the marriage.

Sorry bro you just can't compete if she has a new man. being the bestest husband of all time will just make you seem weak if she loves someone else.

If you can prove for your self that there isn't another man then that changes your stratagy completely.

Do you see why its so important to eliminate infidelity?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady is rewriting the marital history by blame shifting the unhealthy marriage on you. She is justifing breaking up this family by making her self the victim.

Do your own investigation to find out why.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I firmly believe that there isn't anyone else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mentioned several red flags for infidelity.

Sorry man no one wants to *believes* this crap, but how are you going to fight for this marriage when you don't even know the *real* enemy.

Alls I'm saying is discount infidelity so you can make a stratigy that will work...At the very least check the phone records. You might find a strange number that she calls a lot.

I see it so often ...a guy beggs and cries for his marriage and the marriage only gets worse. Then when the guy is at his breaking point he finds the real reason his wife split.

And after all the begging and crying being the best husband ever he finds out he was playing the fool for years.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Good evening all, I am a new member who only recently was told by my wife that she "is done" and wants out. We have been married for 23 years. She had been divorced with a son and together we had a daughter. Both children have left the house to start their lives.She left last week and moved into a girl friends apartment. We met this evening to talk. I told her I still loved her and wanted to do counseling. She reluctantly agreed but said she had no illusions it would help. I told her that I didn't want to talk about our issues tonite because I didn't think we could ever untangle the knot of resentment, hurt, anger and defensiveness that seems to have consumed our relationship. Although I did not want to talk about our issues, she apparently did. She told me how for the past three years she had dedicated herself to make me happy. She said she tried everything to get me interested but never received any attention. My side of the story is that she was always busy, not feeling well, tired or otherwise unavailable. It was like we had been living on different planets for the last three years. I don't know what to think.


Between this post and your other posting she seems to be contradicting herself. She is going out of her way to make you happy yet its all your fault for not taking a different job and her unwillingness to help thru your business problems. 

She seems to be making statements more than wanting to talk. Don't rule anything out right now as far as the reasons for your separation right now. If you can get into MC maybe she will start to talk but until she is ready to actually address the problems you are best off not pushing the issues as it just seems to make them reinforce there decision to be separated.

Don't beg or try to convince her of anything, it seem counterproductive right now but it isn't. Emotions have to calm down so you can address the issues better and right now you aren't even sure exactly what you are up against and until you know this for sure or do some investigating your chasing your tail.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ynot said:


> I am in the real estate business. Prior to the Great Recession business was humming along. I was paying the bills and saving some money and things seemed to be going smoothly. When the mortgage meltdown hit, my business was devastated and my income feel to next to nothing. In the meantime, my creditors began to slash my credit lines and raise my payments and interest rates. I burned through my savings and liquidated my savings and retirement in an effort to keep the wolves at bay. Eventually these ran out and business remained slow. As I got farther behind on payments, the collection calls began. They would tell me to sell blood to make payments or have a garage sale. All the while the interest began piling up. I begged my creditors for time, offered to make token payments, anything. They all refused. In the meantime the job market dried up and so finding a job in my field wasn't an answer. And just taking a job to get a paycheck wouldn't begin to pay the bills. I finally decided to file bankruptcy. Before I made the decision I discussed the issue with my wife, who told me she didn't want to know anything about it. Time has passed and my business has recovered, but I worry constantly about money. Now my wife has decided to leave me because I am too uptight and worry too much. I told her about how alone and betrayed I felt and that was why I worried so much. She said she didn't offer any support because it was my fault for not taking a job and that my decision to start a business was to the detriment of our family. She, nor our children have ever gone without. I feel like I lost everything for her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has your wife had a job for all or most of your marriage?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Has your wife had a job for all or most of your marriage?


She worked part time when we first married. When our daughter was born she was a stay at home mom. I was proud to be able to support her in that effort. When my daughter began school she worked part time at the school as a secretary. later she managed a Curves for about two years. Then she went to work for a non-profit as a fund raiser for about 5 years. For the past three years she has been with a different non-profit. Both of her jobs with non-profits were salaried positions where they expected her to work 50-60 hours a week. For the most part I always felt that her jobs cost us money. Only her most recent job paid her enough that I no longer felt like I was supporting her. Her income was her income, she bought some groceries and picked up some odds and ends but I paid all the bills throughout our marriage. Which is another reason for me to feel resentful.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I have not been able to sleep my mind is reeling. After my bankruptcy I have been very concerned about our finances. I was able to do a HARP refi on our house and have avoided credit cards altogether. We lucked out and received a $10,000 oil lease bonus on our property. I was able to add over $5000 to that. The house needed a new roof, so we spent $12,000 to put a roof on the house and garage. I was able to rebuild our savings, but then she wanted to take our daughter to Disney for her graduation present and that nearly wiped the account out. In the meantime I was paying about $1000 a month for my daughters tuition. Thru out our marriage it seemed that the money was gone as fast or faster as I could make it. We were finally in a position to start moving forward. But then she started to talking about going to Hawaii for our 25th anniversary (next year) and my daughter got engaged and she was talking about spending $20,000 on that, so even now, it seemed into the foreseeable future money was going to continue to be a worry for me. I am just venting, but it just adds to my angst.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Still no sleep. I have spent the night wandering around our house alternating between rage and self pity. I see all the hopes and dreams in the pictures all over the house. I see all the unfinished business in the things still left to do. I see the things that she took and the things that she left. I am so confused. Every time I closed my eyes I was haunted by something she said, or something she did or some incident she referenced. I couldn't have been that oblivious then or that oblivious now.


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