# He's completely lost his f*%$n' mind!



## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Ok,

So, short version:

STBXH has decided that his way of "punishing me" for leaving him is that he will rent an apartment, and take the kids. This creates an issue for several reasons:

1- The Brownstone where we live can not easily be maintained on my salary alone (I became a SAHM to care for HIS babies; and I only teach at a University, PT.)

2- He has NO IDEA what he will do with them during the day, and I suspect he's planning to put them in a day camp or some type of childcare (costing >$2K), yet he's broke.

3- Basicially, he told me that I can "go trickin' under a bridge with my dogs, for all [he] cares." Classy, I know.

So, I'm filing my petition for D TODAY! That way, its dated (5/29).

Also, since I have been their PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER, and he works all day (or is on-call), I am asking for 1) PRIMARY PHYSICAL CUSTODY of the kids, 2) that we not move from our home, and 3) CS. 

Moreover, the kids will be VELCO'D to my hip until he moves out. If he tries to take them, I will call the police and file a TPO (temp. protection order). 

I wanted to do this sans bloodshed. But, he's demonstrated that he has no issue financially and emotionally punishing me for leaving him. And I refuse to play this game.

Welcome to my life divorcing my husband.

Any other ladies experience similar behavior? Also, what was your experience AFTER service?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He can't just take the kids. My ex h tried this. The police were called and told him that he couldn't see his child until court. After court I had supervised visits for years. I did not trust my ex h, especially around the child. He's abusive and was constantly high on pot. I also made my ex h complete anger management, parenting classes and drug treatment. I can assure you none of which helped. He paid very minimal child support, which I fully regret. I wish I would of gotten a fair amount.

Move out and take the kids with you. If your afraid he's going to run off with them, let the police know. 

My ex h always "punished" me. It was ridiculous behavior. He got his revenge though. He took CC's in my name and maxed them out as well as child support fraud. He did get away with it and would rub it in my face for years. 

Go see a lawyer and find out what you can do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you for taking a fast, firm stance against his crap.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

persephone71 said:


> Moreover, the kids will be VELCO'D to my hip until he moves out. If he tries to take them, I will call the police and file a TPO (temp. protection order).


You wouldn't get far with that.

They're his kids as well.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Did you expect him to react any differently? 

You are leaving him and he is defending himself the best way he knows. Not saying that what he is doing is correct, but guys will go on the defensive.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

tacoma said:


> You wouldn't get far with that.
> 
> They're his kids as well.


My lawyer disagrees with you. As does the Temp Order of Custody. Basically, it's in the "best interest of the child", not which parent can throw around the most money.

Thanks for the advice.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When your spouse decides to leave you that doesn't give you the right to just take the kids no matter how much you'd like to.

I've seen this with a couple of divorces and it did not end well for the one being vindictive.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Good for you for taking a fast, firm stance against his crap.


Thnx!

It's exhausting. Basically, I'm being punished for leaving (or I can continue to be punished if I stay.) I'll take the lesser of two evils.

What's interesting is that I recently joined an OL board about PA men and the antics they play during divorce. His behavior is textbook. As was his behavior during the M. 

So when folk give "advice" as if we are speaking about a man, absent of behavioral pathology, I tune out. Thank you for recognizing the nuance in this situation.

It's not like I'm seeking sole custody--I'm basically doing what I've been doing since they were born: BE THEIR PRIMARY CARE PROVIDER! I'm petitioning 4.5/2.5 d/wk physicial custody/visitation and joint legal. He really should speak to other fathers who get NOTHING. 

This is the amount of time he spends with them anyway. I'm just entering it into the court record. The only difference is that he will no longer have me as his emotional whipping post because I don't want to be his wife anymore.

So he's NOT losing his kids: he's losing influence and power over me. I'm quite aware of the root of his behavior. 

He even mentioned that "I'm sure you'll find another man, as soon as you kick me out! Afterall, I see the way other men look at you."--Seriouly dude?

Most times, he'd not approach me sexually nor act like he was interested in me at all. Now he's concerned about other men? Please. BTW, more classic PA behavior.

He's getting served Friday. I assume I'll return with more updates.

Thanks for the support.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

persephone71 said:


> My lawyer disagrees with you. *As does the Temp Order of Custody.* Basically, it's in the "best interest of the child", not which parent can throw around the most money.
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


Well, this is new info not shared earlier.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> When your spouse decides to leave you that doesn't give you the right to just take the kids no matter how much you'd like to.
> 
> I've seen this with a couple of divorces and it did not end well for the one being vindictive.


My lawyer: "If he was my client, I'd STRONGLY ADVISE him not to pull that sh* t. Judges in [jurisdiction] don't look favorably on that. Especially, when the respondant is NOT the primary care provider AND makes most of the income. It looks like financial and emotional blackmail."

Basically, my lawyer advised me to place a standing order (which I have), and if he tries to take them, to call the police and file a TPO. He's (lawyer) filing a temp injunction against him tomorrow (5/30) to also ask for temporary spousal maint. and CS. 

He brought this on himself; and we haven't had our first status hearing yet. 

He's being vindictive. He has NO MEANS of caring for these kids during the day (he's an MD and works 10+ hours a day, leaving home at 6 AM), and can't tell me what his plans are for my kids. I guess he's gonna put them in camp/day care.... 

So...9+ hours of day care is the "best interest" of my kids? Classy.

So, yeah...not interested in "the best interest of the kids"; yet in making sure that he hurts me for leaving him.

I get it. I know the deal. It's still frustrating as hell.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

aug said:


> Well, this is new info not shared earlier.


Because it was just filed today. After this post. 

Best.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Persephone, GOOD FOR YOU! :toast: And good for your kids, too. The only thing that I would caution you on, thought I'm sure I don't need to as you seem to be an intelligent woman, is to be careful what you say about your STBX in front of your children. No matter what your relationship to him is, he is still their father. Try your best to keep your feelings about him to yourself in their presence. They'll figure out what kind of man he is on their own and love you all the more for not trashing him. I wish you the very best that your new life has to offer... and I'm sure that many, many good things will be coming your way.

Blessings, 
Mattsmom


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

persephone71 said:


> My lawyer disagrees with you. As does the Temp Order of Custody. Basically, it's in the "best interest of the child", not which parent can throw around the most money.
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


Then you have a fool for a lawyer
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

This kinda sounds awful, this sounds like retaliation between the two of you, the kids being used as pawns. I understand both sides of the coins, neither are both correct or wrong. Just the kids getting lost in the battle. Its too bad you cant agree to disagree. I'm not taking anyones side here but the kids. im sorry you both have to deal with it.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> Persephone, GOOD FOR YOU! :toast:


Merci!



> The only thing that I would caution you on, thought I'm sure I don't need to as you seem to be an intelligent woman, is to be careful what you say about your STBX in front of your children. No matter what your relationship to him is, he is still their father. Try your best to keep your feelings about him to yourself in their presence. They'll figure out what kind of man he is on their own and love you all the more for not trashing him.


You're preaching to the converted:smthumbup: But thanks for holding me accountable--there are times.... That's what I have girlfriends (and my therapist) for. 

Case in point: He's taking them to the beach for the weekend of my bday. They're excited. So am I. I'm doing an "eat, pray, love" weekend at a spa resort, ALONE with about 2 books, and returning on my actual B-day for my "surprise party" thrown by my daughter. 

So, I know they love their dad--yet, I also acknowledge that I'm dealing with a PA who's angry with me. So there will also be a notorized OUT OF STATE travel form signed. I still don't trust him.




> I wish you the very best that your new life has to offer... and I'm sure that many, many good things will be coming your way.
> 
> Blessings,
> Mattsmom


Merci! Thanks for the blessings! I need them. And I'm SOOO looking forward to my "new life", free from his madness!

persephone-


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Thumper said:


> This kinda sounds awful, this sounds like retaliation between the two of you, the kids being used as pawns. I understand both sides of the coins, neither are both correct or wrong. Just the kids getting lost in the battle. Its too bad you cant agree to disagree. I'm not taking anyones side here but the kids. im sorry you both have to deal with it.


Thank you for your concern for my kids. Anyone who cares for them, is another spirit embacing them (I'm Yoruba, and in my faith, we welcome all love energy)....

I digress..

Now to the rest of your post.

Actually I NEVER wanted to take the kids. I didn't bud these kids from my cytoplasm, nor wish to be a "single mother", so I acknowledge they have a father. We agreed on a visitation plan. He got nasty because he couldn't talk me out of a D (for the 3rd time) and tried to bully me the only way he could: financially and by threatening my relationship with my kids.

Classic PA behavior. Look it up.

*The only thing I did wrong (in his mind) was want to no longer be his wife.*

If I wanted to reconcile today, he'd chill out. It's not about the kids (sure, he loves them) it's about punishing me for leaving him. Once more, it's important that you recognize that this is a highly educated man, a jr. mensa, a ranked chess player, and an oxford scholar who used to getting whatever he wants. Including women. 

So, the only way to avoid this is that I'd remained in an emotionally abusive relationship, with a PA narcissist. Do you suggest that would have been better for my kids?

While you might see it as "pawns", I see it (and so does my legal council, our therapist, his family and other rational adults who know him) as another one of his many power moves he's done throughout his life. And they view my behavior as appropriate.

What do you suggest? 

Being rational? Agreeing to a plan? Sticking to a plan?

We've done that. I've suggested that. 

And he's changed the rules.

So, when the rules change, the tactics must change. Once more--and I really request that you ask me the details prior to assuming--If I've tried ALL that most would suggest, yet I am dealing with someone with marked psychological issues, who CHOOSES not to coorporate, what do you suggest?

It is indeed possible that one party can make a situation less amicable. Life ain't black and white.

BTW- My kids will be fine. They always have been.

Blessings


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Then you have a fool for a lawyer
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The GA bar disagrees with you. As does my attny's record of successfully litigating divorce and child custody cases. 


...and you are registered with the bar assoc in the state of....?

It's clear you are a father's advocate (which I appreciate and think is needed). Yet, we're not speaking about an indigent dad who's being gassed by a gold-digger who wishes to erase him off the planet. 


let's call it, my friend.

best.


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