# Last Straw



## hubby21h (Mar 8, 2014)

Hello,

I wish my first post on this forum wasn't this. After reading through to many threads and topics I have a deep regret that I didn't take the time to seek out this sort of social outlet before.

About myself and my situation:

My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years this May, we met just a year before that. I have, for lack of a better word, shattered my marriage on multiple occasions for the very beginning. She came from a pretty modest Christian upbringing while I came from family that never attend nor practiced any
sort or religion. 

Just a couple months into our marriage, pregnant with our second, I went out with some friends to a rave (never again) where I kissed another woman. I truly don't know why, my wife and I were still in our honeymoon phase and things were great. I think the attention given by some stranger made me feel special since I was never one to receive any sort of attention from women and it gave me an overly inflated ego to do what I wanted without consequences. During that night the girl told me to find her on Facebook. The next day I did that very thing, I gave up after a short while but not soon after that my wife was going through the history to find something she searched for that day and came across my history. I denied it initially until each it of truth slowly came to light. This set us up for a very rocky start to our marriage as you could probably guess.

Fast forward to Late 2012, we now have 3 children... I was laid off from my job a year prior and was unable to find steady, lucrative work to keep us afloat. My solution was to move us 1600 miles away from her family and to be closer to mine. Shortly after moving a dirty secret of mine emerged, I was looking at pornography and had been for years. Sometimes more frequently than others but it had always been there. This was something my wife was not ok with and I agreed with her that it was not good for our marriage (before anyone says that porn is ok in their marriage just work with me on this and agree that it's not for my situation). I swore to cut it out and we moved forward and pick up the pieces of our marriage.

Skip ahead 3-4 months (mid 2013)... My job requires a fair amount of social media usage to be successful at it, mainly Facebook. Due to my past and most recent acts of infidelity my wife is prone to check my web history. One thing she wasn't counting on was FB's calculated way of tracking pages and people you search. She came across pages that had been searched anywhere from 2-3 months ago or even days before. The damning thing to hurt our marriage was that I searched for old girlfriends (3 to be exact) to look at their pages. Why? I still don't know exactly why. I run it through my head a lot, even nearly a year later, maybe I wanted to compared myself with them, wanted to make sure I was the better man and they just lost out. Maybe I wanted to escape to a time when I felt I wasn't held to such a higher standard from a girl (pathetic, yes), my wife is an amazing woman and expects me to be a man and take on the role that I should (not an unreasonable request). To add insult to her injury, I searched an old girlfriend of an old friend of mine. This girl was particularly mean to my wife during the short period of time she was around. She came across a news feed of mine (mutual friends with someone that I have since blocked) and curiosity set in. She's not super attractive but she took racy pictures which I took the time to search out. This also came out around the all of this happened. To solve this I agreed to see a therapist to what we saw as a porn addiction. I went to a few sessions but I was not making much money at my job and have to put a halt on them. 

Time went by and things were good, I was staying away from porn. I didn't sneak a peek on any pages that I shouldn't be going to. Things were good. Still gluing the pieces back but it was getting somewhat better.

I fell of the wagon, so to speak, just before Thanksgiving this past year. While I was navigating through random pages on FB I lingered on one of those inappropriate FB pages that you'd hate to have your spouse have in their Like column. I didn't Like it but I clicked and it was saved in my history. About a week went by and I was confronted about it. I denied it at first as is my first line of defense (stupid, I know). After many tears and heartache I decided that it wasn't that I had an addiction to porn which drove me to do what I did. I had a lingering/lustful eye that got in the way of my marriage. I ended up seeking out self help books and my wife came across one called Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It pinpointed a majority of my issues and allowed me to address what was wrong with myself.

From Nov '12 to just a few days ago I was solid as a rock. No searching, no seeking, no checking out any women. I was committed to my family and and my marriage. I could write a book on why my wife is the best out there and how she deserves a good man but you already know that I contradict that thought by my actions. 

So a couple days ago I searched for racy pictures of someone we've been watching on TV lately. To be honest, this person irritates, annoys and is downright despised by me because of how they act and conduct themselves. If I told you who, you would agree. This person made a sex tape and it's constantly brought up. My wife has watched it in the past just out of curiosity and the hype of the video and never watched it again. I made a promise to myself when she watched it that not only would I never watch it but that I wouldn't even know what she looked like naked which I was proud to puff up my chest about. My own curiosity set in and I looked up pictures of her to just to see myself what it was all about. No sexual gratification was down and it was search for and looked at for 90 seconds max on my smartphone. Well, I left phone at home today and my wife searched my history, she saw how I tried to hide it and it's bad now. I'm sleeping downstairs for the foreseeable future and she made a promise that if this ever happened again we were done. We already made plans to move back home near her family a couple months ago so I believe her when she said she's separating when school's out for the kids.

That was a novel of a story and you probably don't know what I seeking yet. I guess I want to know what you would do if you were in my shoes. I want this marriage to work. She feels I'm doing this because I'm not able to just say I want a divorce. Divorce is the last thing I ever want. She's amazing and I strive to treat her as such but I keep messing up like this. I don't have male friends that I'm close to after moving. The closest person I have to a father figure is her father and I can't go to my in-law and tell him how I'm treating his daughter horribly AGAIN and expect unbiased advice.

Please asked away if you feel I may have left anything out.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Doesn't sound like your occasional web searches for racy pictures are all that bad.

Problem is the trust was gone when you cheated on her that first time and she just never got over it.

So everything you do is blown way out of proportion. You probably know this but you're helpless to stop your behavior, because, well, you get something out of looking at those racy pictures and ex girlfriends that is so powerful that you don't have the self control to avoid.

Either find a way to stop or realize you're going to destroy your marriage.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

hubby21h said:


> So a couple days ago I searched for racy pictures of someone we've been watching on TV lately. To be honest, this person irritates, annoys and is downright despised by me because of how they act and conduct themselves. If I told you who, you would agree. This person made a sex tape and it's constantly brought up.


I'm going with Kim Kardashian!

In any event, I'm sorry, I just don't think porn is a big deal. Why women get so wound up about it I'll never understand. As far as I'm concern as along as your not interacting with anyone on any level and just watching some videos than no line was crossed. Online chatting I could see as a no no, then you cross the line of interaction. I also don't think strip clubs are a big deal either but again that is technically interaction so I could understand and would agree not to go if my spouse objected.

But I digress... The only real problem I see is when you hooked up with that girl. THAT was a huge screw up on your part. She probably will never let it go 100%. You're going to have to accept that or not and move on but that's the reality. She will never let it go and I don't blame her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Doesn't sound like your occasional web searches for racy pictures are all that bad.
> 
> Problem is the trust was gone when you cheated on her that first time and she just never got over it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I use to be in ministry. If your wife would have came to me for advice I would say, "don't believe him, A kiss is cheater code for sex". Perhaps your wife never believe it was just a kiss. I for one have been burnt by the "We just kissed" story. I am going to assume that your wife was either told this by someone or read it online, that a spouse says we only kissed, it means more.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

To those saying that its not a big deal to look up pictures and all that stuff, in essence I agree, but he was careful to describe his situation and I dont think his wife is blowing anything out of proportion.

I am willing to bet money that it is not the fact that he looked/looks at these pictures that bothers her, its the fact that he tries over and over to hide that fact from her, and then denies the truth when he is caught red handed.

If he simply came to her and said, "will you hang out with me while I look up some pictures of X,Y,Z? I know it made you uncomfortable in the past, but it is something I find fulfilling and would like to do with you present." She would have been way more likely to be OK with it.

He has not demonstrated the ability to be honest with her or himself, so I'm not sure what kind of advice we should be dishing out here.


I would recommend that you go to individual counseling and figure out why you do not trust your wife with this part of your sexuality. If it is something you can never be open and honest about, she may not be the right woman for you, and holding on to her will only make both of you miserable.

edit:

When you went to the rave did you do MDMA?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

hubby21h said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> Please asked away if you feel I may have left anything out.


Ok dawg, why do you keep deceiving yourself and BSing others with this, "I just don't know why I do these things". You ain't fooling anyone but yourself; not us and certainly not your wife.
Now be honest. These racy pictures you look up, what would you really like to do to these chicks if it was just you and them and no one would find out? Why did you kiss that gal? And don't give us no crap about you just wanted attention. Here's a hint. It wasn't attention you wanted.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

You have betrayed, hidden things, hurt your wife and damaged your marriage and set a bad example for your children for 7 years, you know your behavior is wrong, yet you continue to find new ways to hurt your wife. How about you stop being selfish, get some help, change your ways, thank your lucky stars for your wife and pledge the rest of your life trying to make this up to her and being the best, most faithful and loving husband and father on the planet.

This is what you need to do: Tell your wife about this forum and have her post here, because I have a LOT of advice for her.

edited to add: sorry to readers for taking such a harsh stand, but that "I know I'm doing wrong but I just can't help myself (poor me)" just burns my biscuits!


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## hubby21h (Mar 8, 2014)

Paladin said:


> If he simply came to her and said, "will you hang out with me while I look up some pictures of X,Y,Z? I know it made you uncomfortable in the past, but it is something I find fulfilling and would like to do with you present." She would have been way more likely to be OK with it.
> 
> When you went to the rave did you do MDMA?


The idea of coming to her to get approval to look at that stuff is out of the question. It's something that cannot be in our marriage, period. 

I did do MDMA but that can't excuse me from being responsible for my actions.



ThePheonix said:


> Ok dawg, why do you keep deceiving yourself and BSing others with this, "I just don't know why I do these things". You ain't fooling anyone but yourself; not us and certainly not your wife.
> Now be honest. These racy pictures you look up, what would you really like to do to these chicks if it was just you and them and no one would find out? Why did you kiss that gal? And don't give us no crap about you just wanted attention. Here's a hint. It wasn't attention you wanted.



You're right, I would fantasize when I watched movies or looked at pictures. It was affecting the intimacy in my marriage. I had this expectation of what my sex life should be like and when it didn't match what I watched it made me feel even worse.

As for that girl, she told me that they were having a party afterwards and that I should go, I decided not to as guilt began to set in and I went home. I can tell you that from the pain that it caused my wife that I chose not to get too close to my female coworkers other than answering the occasional work related question.

I saw the videos and pictures as an outlet that I could use where complete strangers that had no emotional connection to me, just physical lust. 



DeterminedToThrive said:


> edited to add: sorry to readers for taking such a harsh stand, but that "I know I'm doing wrong but I just can't help myself (poor me)" just burns my biscuits!


To be honest, that all I'm looking for. I want brutal honesty. I haven't been honest to my wife on multiple occasions and it has taken a dire toll on our marriage. 

The biggest thing I looking to achieve here is to open up to other people about my issues. It may sound odd but I don't have any close friends to talk to about these things, my best friend at the time was one of the men that was with me the night of the rave. My father passed away 10+ years ago and I don't have a strong relationship with my step-father. I just want some manly fellowship, if you will, to talk things out and dissect what's in front of me.

I'm honest in all that I say here but I'm deathly afraid to come clean to my wife about things when they first arise. I know that if I just came to her right away about everything then things would be half as bad as they are now. She appreciates my fidelity over all but most importantly she wants me to be honest even when it's not convenient.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

hubby21h said:


> The idea of coming to her to get approval to look at that stuff is out of the question. It's something that cannot be in our marriage, period.


You missed my point. The idea is not to get approval from her to do things, its to include her in the things you do so she is no longer threatened by those activities, or at least has the option to voice what her concerns are when/while they arise.

What is she more likely to have a problem with? You looking at pictures of women with her right there with you, or you lying about the fact that you do it behind her back?




hubby21h said:


> I did do MDMA but that can't excuse me from being responsible for my actions.


I wasnt asking so I could blame the drugs for your bad choices, I wanted to see what your decision making process was like, and still do. Did you buy the stuff there, or did your friend get some before you went there with him? Does your wife know you did drugs while you were there?




hubby21h said:


> I saw the videos and pictures as an outlet that I could use where complete strangers that had no emotional connection to me, just physical lust.


Yet you felt the need to hide this from your wife, I'm still trying to figure out why and am drawing a blank. 



hubby21h said:


> I haven't been honest to my wife on multiple occasions and it has taken a dire toll on our marriage.
> 
> I'm honest in all that I say here but I'm deathly afraid to come clean to my wife about things when they first arise. I know that if I just came to her right away about everything then things would be half as bad as they are now. She appreciates my fidelity over all but most importantly she wants me to be honest even when it's not convenient.


What infuriates me, is that you've answered your own questions already and still somehow cant figure out what you have to do.

If lying to your wife had bad results, and all she wants from you is honesty, then what possible reason do you have to lie to her about anything?


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## hubby21h (Mar 8, 2014)

Paladin said:


> You missed my point. The idea is not to get approval from her to do things, its to include her in the things you do so she is no longer threatened by those activities, or at least has the option to voice what her concerns are when/while they arise.
> 
> What is she more likely to have a problem with? You looking at pictures of women with her right there with you, or you lying about the fact that you do it behind her back?


The fact that I'm looking at another woman that she may feel is more attractive than her and that she's not meeting my standards is what would hurt her the most. Whether or not I'm in front of her she will still be just as hurt. The lying only magnified the consequences.






Paladin said:


> I wasnt asking so I could blame the drugs for your bad choices, I wanted to see what your decision making process was like, and still do. Did you buy the stuff there, or did your friend get some before you went there with him? Does your wife know you did drugs while you were there?


Yes, she knows that I did those drugs. A friend bought them while we were there. I was living in the moment with complete disregard of the commitment I had made to my wife and family. I have been more apt to to do something first and then hide it until I get in trouble. It's something I've been getting better at for smaller things so I could build up her trust again but then these huge things happen and I close down until it's unavoidable to deny.





Paladin said:


> Yet you felt the need to hide this from your wife, I'm still trying to figure out why and am drawing a blank.


That's because I knew it was wrong after the action was done. It's like I don't have some sort or moral safeguard to run through my head when making a decision that could affect my family in any way. I've been very selfish for a majority of my marriage and it's culminating to this final moment.




Paladin said:


> What infuriates me, is that you've answered your own questions already and still somehow cant figure out what you have to do.
> 
> If lying to your wife had bad results, and all she wants from you is honesty, then what possible reason do you have to lie to her about anything?


I know what needs to be done. It's just that I've fed myself, and her, the idea that it will stop. And it's worked for a while. I'm just starting back from square one and have to do it all over again but this time she's checked out completely. My marriage is most likely over but I just never give up. It's like I'm suppose to do the noble thing at this point and just let her go but it's so hard.

I'm not looking for a fix-all solution to this. It's very straightforward it seems on what's next, I just never had anyone to talk to about this besides my wife and whenever it's been brought between the two of us I just shut down a bit because it's picking the scab of a wound I created and am ashamed of. I'm contacting my old therapist to start up again as we speak.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Tell yourself and your W that you will work hard on being a better man. This doesn't mean that you don't look at porn, etc., when you are on your own. It means that when you commit to something, you don't betray the commitment.

Then strive to be that man. This may or may not influence your W's decision but you have zero to lose if you at least try to become a better person as a result of all this.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Really guy? Time to sit down and write a list, start with ten points, about what you want in your life. What are the ten most important things for you to have in your life? Write them down, cross them out, scroll through the interwebs, write more crap down, cross it out, and start again.

Get your ten things you want in your life down. Top ten things that you truly want in your life _until you die._ Then once that is done, when it's finally done, think about how you get those ten things.

And stop hurting your wife. No one deserves that. Just be honest. If you can't be honest with that one person then who are you going to be honest with? Who will you ever trust? How can you live outside of that bubble world?

Nah, I don't think porn is that bad. But why hide it? If you hide it then what is bad is that _you are hiding it._ Not that you are looking at it but you are hiding it from the one person that needs to trust you more than anything in the world. How can you do that to another living, breathing, hurting and hoping human being?

Stop doing that. Figure out what you want. Find out how to get it. And move on. If you need a D then do that. Don't lie, don't deceive, don't betray, just tell the truth and do what you need to do to find those ten things that you need.

Took me a long time to make my list. But now I have it and I look at it every day. Really changed my life.


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## guamanxuanz (Mar 8, 2014)

You probably know this but you're helpless to stop your behavior


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm reading this and you keep telling us what your wife would do or think. Have you actually sat down and discussed these issue? I'm talking about all of the subterfuge like "this person isn't as cute as my wife," "she was christian," "I was searching my three girlfriends"? No, I'm not talking about when you got caught, that's not the time to have an honest discussion because emotions are already high.


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## hubby21h (Mar 8, 2014)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Really guy? Time to sit down and write a list, start with ten points, about what you want in your life. What are the ten most important things for you to have in your life? Write them down, cross them out, scroll through the interwebs, write more crap down, cross it out, and start again.
> 
> Get your ten things you want in your life down. Top ten things that you truly want in your life _until you die._ Then once that is done, when it's finally done, think about how you get those ten things.
> 
> ...



That's great advice. I know what I want in life and would make me happy. I have a list in my head but I have failed at keeping it prioritize 100% of the time and have strayed from it many times. I hurt my wife on many levels and just as things were getting better and we were feeling more connected I did this again.

I'm working on building this back up again. My biggest problem is I try not to talk about it if I can unless she brings it up herself. It's as though I feel that I'm sparing her the bad feelings by not bringing it up when the truth is that she's constantly thinking about it. I just need to be more open about the situation at hand no matter what feelings they may bring up.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

hubby21h said:


> Hello,
> 
> I wish my first post on this forum wasn't this. After reading through to many threads and topics I have a deep regret that I didn't take the time to seek out this sort of social outlet before.
> 
> ...


Set your web browser to clear it's history on exit. Stop creeping on peoples facebook pages. They should rename facebook to creepbook..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife is willing to ruin the lives of her kids over porn?
It's her that has a problem and not you sir.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Sounds like you're living with a prison guard. Your wife has her foot on your neck and you're allowing it. Also, stop all the denying that you do. It diminishes you.
One last thing..your situation is so ridiculous that I'm prone to believe that this is a ___ thread. What is your wife gonna do to you once she finds this thread in your history? :scratchhead:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If you say that pr0n is not for you than it's not for you.

But if you agree with that you have to stick to you. I know and you probably know now, that you're one of the men who can't. Part of being a man is excepting your character flaws and all. Time to break it to your wife now. You can't be what she wants. You're a pr0n guy, many of us are. If that's a deal breaker for her you need to be upfront about it.

This back and forth promising and then her checking out your online history to make sure you dont slip up is no way to live for either of you.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Your wife is willing to ruin the lives of her kids over porn?
> It's her that has a problem and not you sir.


You could just as easily say that he's willing to ruin the lives of his children over looking at women that wouldn't give him the time of day in real life (PORN). 

Porn isn't a big deal to me, but it is to his wife and that's what counts. HE married someone who does not consider porn acceptable. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks about porn being alright to look at. The ONLY person's opinion that counts is the person that he's married to and he knows her feelings on the matter, promised he wouldn't look at it, then did. It's called being deceitful and who wants a deceitful spouse? I don't and obviously his wife doesn't either.


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