# LD wife "wouldn't blame me" if I went elsewhere



## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Hello All,

I am back posting after about a 9 month absence. The wife and I are going through a bit of a "dry spell" at the moment, in that she is really not feeling the desire for sex at all recently (it is, on average about once a month or maybe slightly more, plus the odd BJ, maybe 1 a month, sometimes 2). In the last year or so, i can only think of maybe one time where she initiated. Putting it simply, she would be happy to have sex even less frequently than 1 x per month, and mostly only does it to keep me happy. 

She orgasms probably 8 times out of 10, but I would say she REALLY enjoys it maybe 4/5 times out of 10. When she is really enjoying it, she normally orgasms through PIV. If she is willing, but not so into it, she usually orgasms through oral.

Anyway, I have completely gone away from the reason I came to post! A few months ago, during some discussions about sex, frequency, desire etc- despite me saying I would love it if she had the same (frequent) desires as me, she said she "would not blame me" if I found a lover. I did make it clear that I did not want it to come to this, and we do try our best to compromise our differing levels of desire (i.e. my HD, her LD). 

Despite me not wanting to have a lover, I had to ask "and how would you feel about this, me sleeping with someone else?". Her response was that she would be happy for me that I am getting the (more frequent) sex that I crave, and that she would feel less under pressure, like she currently does. But she did say that she would worry that I "would enjoy the other persons company more than hers".

I have tried, time and time again to explain to her that I crave more sex with her because I love her, and sex helps with the emotional bond for me. She does sometimes give me oral at times when I am horny but she feels nothing- this is great, because she is sooooo good at it, but it does not stop me wanting to make love to her- by the next day, that aching desire comes back again as though the oral never took place.

I do also masturbate, on average once a week (at times I know sex and oral are both out of the question).

I would like to know if anybody else has ever been in this situation- whether they went ahead and slept with someone else, whether they developed a relationship with that person, or whether it was just sex etc etc. And did it improve your marriage, save it, make it worse, destroy it?

At times like this, although I dont want to do it, I must admit I find myself thinking about how it would work out, if I went ahead. 

This last part may sound silly, but even if I did go ahead and "seek" a partner, I don't even know if I would get anywhere, as i am not exactly a stud, and never get chatted up or anything like that..


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Yea, they say that, but the minute you do it, there will be hell to pay.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You'd have to talk to your wife about it. No-one else can give you the answer, only what worked (or not!) for them. Just because she said it once or twice is not the same as truly meaning it. And given that you have problems with your relationship and sex already, the chances of falling for someone else are higher than for an already healthy relationship. For it to work in your situation, you'd both have to improve communication greatly and she'd truly have to be willing to accept the risk that you'd like someone else for more than just sex.

I've been in some version of an open/poly/swinging relationship for 14 years, but the difference is that our core relationship is great in all ways including sex. It has worked for us, but I wouldn't suggest it for most people unless they've truly discussed this in depth for a long time and are in full agreement.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Thound said:


> Yea, they say that, but the minute you do it, there will be hell to pay.


Agreed. Do NOT go there. It's an affair even if your wife knows about it. Whatever your wife's opinion on you having an affair, those will be her eventual opinion of your on the side sex partner. And if it ends up that she really does not care, then I feel sorry for you. Because no woman that is vested in her marriage and truely loved her man is ok with sharing him with another woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Find a woman, bring her to your wife and let her know this is the woman that will now be taking over your duties as a wife. She how well that goes over. 
She is bluffing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Since you were here before, were you advised to read the Married Man Sex Life Primer and did it help?

What kind of physical condition are the two of you in?

What kind of jobs do you have?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> You'd have to talk to your wife about it. No-one else can give you the answer, only what worked (or not!) for them. Just because she said it once or twice is not the same as truly meaning it. And given that you have problems with your relationship and sex already, the chances of falling for someone else are higher than for an already healthy relationship. For it to work in your situation, you'd both have to improve communication greatly and she'd truly have to be willing to accept the risk that you'd like someone else for more than just sex.
> 
> I've been in some version of an open/poly/swinging relationship for 14 years, but the difference is that our core relationship is great in all ways including sex. It has worked for us, but I wouldn't suggest it for most people unless they've truly discussed this in depth for a long time and are in full agreement.



Yeah I can't see it working in my situation to be honest. She is quite an angry person, and I can imagine she would soon take it out on me if I got what (she thinks) I want


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Agreed. Do NOT go there. It's an affair even if your wife knows about it. Whatever your wife's opinion on you having an affair, those will be her eventual opinion of your on the side sex partner. And if it ends up that she really does not care, then I feel sorry for you. Because no woman that is vested in her marriage and truely loved her man is ok with sharing him with another woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It's kind of a worry from my point of view - if I went ahead, and she was actually ok with it to the point of our marriage not really meaning anything any more.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Since you were here before, were you advised to read the Married Man Sex Life Primer and did it help?
> 
> What kind of physical condition are the two of you in?
> 
> What kind of jobs do you have?


I recall so, is that the one about doing a 180?

Physically- I am more active than her. I weigh about 135 lbs, she weighs about 165 lbs. 

We both have office based jobs- I am full time, she is part time, but also does the school runs etc for our 5 year old daughter.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> It's kind of a worry from my point of view - if I went ahead, and she was actually ok with it to the point of our marriage not really meaning anything any more.


Aside from sex issues, is your marriage worth preserving? What's good about it for both of you, aside from habit or familiarity?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Aside from sex issues, is your marriage worth preserving? What's good about it for both of you, aside from habit or familiarity?


We are very good friends, have some similar interests, and have a wonderful daughter who we both enjoy spending time with


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

richie33 said:


> Find a woman, bring her to your wife and let her know this is the woman that will now be taking over your duties as a wife. She how well that goes over.
> She is bluffing.


Exactly she probably knows your would never actually do it. I would suggest you not do it if you want to stay married. It will change how she feels about you about you may get less sex than you do now and may end your marriage. She is crazy to suggest it because you might just develop emotional feelings for this person and would rather be with her than your wife. 

Lots of couples are HD/LD and I think the best resolution is to compromise. She does need to increase the number of times and you just need to be happy with that number even though you would prefer more sex.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Heed the advice on this from the others, and trust me, I've been there. My first wife told me the same crap. If you go through with it, she will be furious. The way she is acting and her views on the sexual needs in your relationship does not look good. You might want to seriously start looking at an exit plan.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

All the usual questions: is your life in order? Finances, health, home? How's your married guy game?

Is their an actual physical problem with your wife besides being over weight? Perimenopausal? Etc. can you rule out depression drug side effects?

If all that's in order, call her on it. Never underestimate the power of dread. If my wife said go get some side action I'd have a date 2 minutes later. 

She's either serious, or more likely wants you to say "no honey, I too want to be LD just like you!!!". This could be a colossal loyalty test, and only strengthen her resolve that it's ok to not give you the intimacy you want. So push through it, and resolve it. 

Don't put up with bad behavior.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Another sex partner is not a good plan. Taking the "pressure" for sex out of your relationship actually helped my situation. It was not an easy thing to figure out.
MN


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

bizzy-

So similar here.

Its seems like we are in the same boat. Although we may have more resentments than y'all built up over the years.

My wife said I could find sex with another woman as well. I didn't think she meant it. So I went on line and found an open marriage contract. She actually happily signed it. We even had a friend/witness and sign it as well, 

So...I am not the ONS kind of man. I don't care for bars and telling people/ women I have an open marriage doesn't seem all that logical. I have told a few women initially and they responded the same as most of the people on TAM. "Why not divorce"?

I am meeting women. I has several now that I talk to a lot. I don't tell them about the open marriage.... I talk to my wife about other women when I meet somebody new. I'll say when I am attracted to somebody so I don't hide anything and I want to gauge her reaction, which is hard to do. I still honestly can't interpret what she is feeling... It seems like she is telling me to go for it... Don't know.

Its been over a month without sex and she is fine. 



Any relationship I begin...sexual relationship, I will still feel the guilt. There is still an integrity issue. Anytime spent with another woman will be time away from my daughter...

Being 47, I am in better shape than ever before in my life. My wife is about 40 plus pounds overweight...All the books recommended on TAM, help me be more attractive to other women, just not my wife...


Wish I had good advise for you...


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Exactly she probably knows your would never actually do it. I would suggest you not do it if you want to stay married. It will change how she feels about you about you may get less sex than you do now and may end your marriage. She is crazy to suggest it because you might just develop emotional feelings for this person and would rather be with her than your wife.
> 
> Lots of couples are HD/LD and I think the best resolution is to compromise. She does need to increase the number of times and you just need to be happy with that number even though you would prefer more sex.



We do try to do the compromise thing. Sometimes it works ut fine for both of us, but I have spells (like now) where I REALLY struggle to be the one doing the compromising!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bizzy79 said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I am back posting after about a 9 month absence. The wife and I are going through a bit of a "dry spell" at the moment, in that she is really not feeling the desire for sex at all recently (it is, on average about once a month or maybe slightly more, plus the odd BJ, maybe 1 a month, sometimes 2). In the last year or so, i can only think of maybe one time where she initiated. Putting it simply, she would be happy to have sex even less frequently than 1 x per month, and mostly only does it to keep me happy.
> 
> ...


You don't want to be guy who has someone on the side. The problem with your marriage will never get fixed by bringing a third party into it.

Had she always be LD or this recent? Have you ruled out anything medically wrong? What is the reason she says she never gets horny? Have you put on weight or is work really stressful?


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> Heed the advice on this from the others, and trust me, I've been there. My first wife told me the same crap. If you go through with it, she will be furious. The way she is acting and her views on the sexual needs in your relationship does not look good. You might want to seriously start looking at an exit plan.


I will give her credit- she does compromise in that she has sex with me when she perhaps would not have suggested it, if it weren't for me. And i do not want to leave, as I love that she tries, I just would like her to try a little bit harder!


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Another sex partner is not a good plan. Taking the "pressure" for sex out of your relationship actually helped my situation. It was not an easy thing to figure out.
> MN


Yes, it does always seem to result in better sex when there is no pressure (i.e. I don't mention it!). But it does not increase the frequency.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Trickster said:


> bizzy-
> 
> So similar here.
> 
> ...




Blimey! Yours sound like a situation that is far from ideal- you are have sex, and now feel the guilt..I'm not sure I would want that.

Are you still attracted to her?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are pretty low on your wife's priority list.

No marriage deserves that. Fact that she doesn't even care that you sleep with other women to accommodate her neglect towards you should tell you a LOT about how much she cares about you and loves you.

Personally, I would file for divorce. In a relationship, I'm either at the top of the priority list, or I'm not.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Trickster said:


> bizzy-
> 
> So similar here.
> 
> ...


I have a great advice for you and the OP.

Divorce ASAP


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If I got you right your wife out sighs you by thirty pounds. Women generally are not attracted to men smaller than they are. No, the mmslp book is nothing about the 180. It's linked to below and also available at amazon.com. Go there and read the reviews.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Shes bluffing... I cant believe that anyone that Loved you would want to see you, or let you have sex with another.... I agree with the PP...... Bring the woman home introduce her to the wife... and see her change her mind pretty Quick...

You say your not much of a stud, maybe shes got your attitude and thinks she has no worries that you will find another woman... Maybe call her Bluff.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> I will give her credit- she does compromise in that she has sex with me when she perhaps would not have suggested it, if it weren't for me. And i do not want to leave, as I love that she tries, I just would like her to try a little bit harder!


Dude this is your bar b que, you have to do this your way, you dont have to do anything today. Your the one that has to deal with this so you can do as you please. Hang around a bit and read some threads. I'm sure someone has come up with a solution of somekind that works well enough. Wasnt trying to come off like a douche earlier, but in my experience, everything basically went to sh*t. I dealt with her non existent drive for 10 years and my patience just left me. I'm a hd guy and I figured I didnt get married and take vows to forsake others just to jerk off in the shower 2 or 3 times a week. After a while I was thinking "8th graders have more sex than I do". After listening to her tell me for 10 years to go find someone else to f*ck, I did. And no, she was not ok with it when she found out about it. By that time I had checked out of the marriage anyway and didnt care anymore. D*ck move on my part, should have left first, but I didnt. Anyway man, not everyone is the same, I'm sure someone on here has had some luck with this. If your set on staying and making it work, up to you. Lots of good people here.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> Dude this is your bar b que, you have to do this your way, you dont have to do anything today. Your the one that has to deal with this so you can do as you please. Hang around a bit and read some threads. I'm sure someone has come up with a solution of somekind that works well enough. Wasnt trying to come off like a douche earlier, but in my experience, everything basically went to sh*t. I dealt with her non existent drive for 10 years and my patience just left me. I'm a hd guy and I figured I didnt get married and take vows to forsake others just to jerk off in the shower 2 or 3 times a week. After a while I was thinking "8th graders have more sex than I do". After listening to her tell me for 10 years to go find someone else to f*ck, I did. And no, she was not ok with it when she found out about it. By that time I had checked out of the marriage anyway and didnt care anymore. D*ck move on my part, should have left first, but I didnt. Anyway man, not everyone is the same, I'm sure someone on here has had some luck with this. If your set on staying and making it work, up to you. Lots of good people here.



Thankyou dude,and everyone else who replied, appreciate it! Need to read all the replies in more detail, as supposed to be working right now lol


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Trickster has gone down the road you are on.

If you had a girlfriend of course you would want to spend time with her and enjoy it more than your wife's company, because frankly your wife is not into you.

One horrible truth is that your wife might have sexual desire for another man. If she were with a certain guy who appealed to her, she might desire sex very much.

Does she want sex to make babies?

There are so many sexless marriage threads on TAM. John has one. BostonBruinFan (spelling) and more.

Some hang out here for ages. Some divorce and very happy because they find someone new who likes sex.

There is nothing to stop you from dating your wife after divorce if her desire returns.

Do you want to change yourself to become more appealing, according to the MMSLP approach?

Read neuklas's thread. That is good one. Shame the result is unclear.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Hard to believe a spouse would be ok letting their spouse have sex with someone else, unless there was an ulterior motive.......like they are or want to have sex with someone else too


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

okeydokie said:


> Hard to believe a spouse would be ok letting their spouse have sex with someone else, unless there was an ulterior motive.......like they are or want to have sex with someone else too


Hard to believe that OP would actually go along with that and decide to even stay with a woman like that....

I wouldn't

Actions speak louder than words. Her actions = absolutely very little to NO love for her husband


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife's cousin took the bait suggestion from his LD wife, was caught red handed by her hired PI, sand lost his shirt and more in the divorce. LD wife remarried and is no longer LD... 

Hint hint


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So basically, your wife wants the benefits of being in a marriage without putting in the effort to be in a marriage...

I'm with the others... There's no way you win by taking advantage of her "offer". 

C


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There are 3 possible reasons she has said something like, imo. (I have not read the entire thread, so any, or all of these could have been mentioned already):

- she's giving you a **** test, maybe even subconsciously. Unlikely, but possible. Not sure why you'd get a **** test like this after being married so long. But you never know.

- she's getting it elsewhere, herself. I'd like to think this is unlikely, especially with how you describe your relationship with her, but you never know. Don't get paranoid, though.

- she's checked out, or in the process of checking out, of the relationship in general. Just going through the motions. Doesn't hate you, but isn't in love with you, either. I hate to say it, but this is the most likely reason. When two people are in love (and aren't swingers), they aren't likely to want to share their partners. Even in an LD/HD relationship, the LD partner still doesn't want the other to get it elsewhere. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen that before.

Listen, I'm biased, but my bias is from experience. My ex wife said something very similar to me a couple of years before she left me for somebody else. At the beginning of our relationship (we were late teens) and continuing for several years, she was the jealous type. The "you better not cheat on me, ever" type. She made it clear that if I ever cheated on her, we were over, no questions asked. In our late 20's, she mentioned, almost casually, that she wouldn't be angry if I went somewhere else for it, as she was LD and I was not. Age, maturity and guilt likely all played a part in her saying that, but still - it is not something one says to their spouse, whom they love with all their heart and are attracted to in every way.

In the end, she had checked out around that time. There was another man (or men). She didn't love me like she used to. All of those things showed that she didn't care if I went elsewhere.



bizzy79 said:


> Anyway, I have completely gone away from the reason I came to post! A few months ago, during some discussions about sex, frequency, desire etc- despite me saying I would love it if she had the same (frequent) desires as me, she said she "would not blame me" if I found a lover. I did make it clear that I did not want it to come to this, and we do try our best to compromise our differing levels of desire (i.e. my HD, her LD).
> 
> Despite me not wanting to have a lover, I had to ask "and how would you feel about this, me sleeping with someone else?". Her response was that she would be happy for me that I am getting the (more frequent) sex that I crave, and that she would feel less under pressure, like she currently does. But she did say that she would worry that I "would enjoy the other persons company more than hers".
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

john117 said:


> My wife's cousin took the bait suggestion from his LD wife, was caught red handed by her hired PI, sand lost his shirt and more in the divorce. LD wife remarried and is no longer LD...
> 
> Hint hint


Ouch. That's dirty.

If my wife ever says something like that to me, god forbid, it's over. I honestly don't believe that someone says that to their spouse out of the goodness of their heart, or out of guilt.

They're either trying to screw them over, or they just don't care. Neither one is worse than the other.

If they say it out of guilt, then that tells you that you're not worth their effort. If she can't bring herself to have sex with you x times a month and she'd rather you went elsewhere, then she just doesn't care anymore, period, full stop.

What makes it worse is that OP is able to please her most of the time. She's orgasmic, she's capable, but she's rarely willing. Again, what does that tell you? I have the same problem... sigh. My wife is easily orgasmic, multiple times, and I have no trouble pleasing her. But the desire isn't there. She says it's not me, but I have a hard time believing that. I'm not in her head, obviously, but I have a hard time believing that with her capabilities and obvious enjoyment of sex, that she wouldn't want more if I were more attractive to her. I believe this is the case in many, if not most, LD/HD relationships (with some room for other reasons, of course).


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)




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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

alexm said:


> There are 3 possible reasons she has said something like, imo. (I have not read the entire thread, so any, or all of these could have been mentioned already):


Fourth option, extremely low self-esteem whilst having been made to feel guilty by the OP. THe "I'm a terrible wife, I'm broken, you deserve better... blah blah blah" routine.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

bizzy79 said:


> Hello All,
> 
> she said she "would not blame me" if I found a lover.


my three thoughts:
1) its a trap, don't fall for it
or
2) she really is LD! and could not be bothered to have sex, wants you to stop pestering her, and really was trying to give you a hall pass.
or
3) she is banging the postman every day, and would feel much less guilty if you were cheating with some other housewife.

Not sure how you find out which of the three, but it is pretty essential to find out BEFORE you act on anything.

Maybe go to church this weekend and pray for 2)?:rofl:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

alexm said:


> When two people are in love (and aren't swingers), they aren't likely to want to share their partners. Even in an LD/HD relationship, the LD partner still doesn't want the other to get it elsewhere. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen that before.


I have heard of it. Like if a woman has cancer and is going to die, she might hook up her hubby with a woman friend so they can hit it off for after she is gone and take care of the kids...that sort of thing. 

I also suppose if you were LD and just really depressed, you might seriously see hooking up your spouse with a sex partner as a way to fix the not-wanting-sex problem without getting a divorce. you could be actually doing it FOR love. You love your spouse, see spouse is in pain due to no sex, and in a warped series of deductions, sign him up for AM.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> My wife's cousin took the bait suggestion from his LD wife, was caught red handed by her hired PI, sand lost his shirt and more in the divorce. LD wife remarried and is no longer LD...
> 
> Hint hint


What are you talking about?
There are very few states where infidelity makes any difference in divorce.
And even those few states, it's quite hard to actually prove infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

I do not advise you seek someone else while still married to your wife.

An open marriage is an "advanced" course. It can *enhance* a marriage ONLY if both partners are enthusiastic and the marriage is solid, healthy and happy already. I think very few marriages fit this qualification, and definitely not yours...sorry.

An open arrangement cannot "fix" a marriage that is limping along in a half-broken state. In no way, whatsoever, will it do anything but destabilize your existing relationship and send it into a tailspin. 

Think of an open marriage like a plane lifting off the ground and heading into the air. Flying can be great, but you can only risk doing it when conditions are ideal. If the aircraft isn't in perfect working order, if the seals aren't airtight, if any number of malfunctions exists, you will soon know about them...a moment before your untimely demise. 

Stay on the ground.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife's cousin, incidentally, fell pray to a rather sophisticated scheme. This is not your vanilla flavored LD we are talking about. 

First, his wife put on a significant number of weight over a period of time, estimates in the 40 lb range. 

She also siphoned away considerable amounts of money from their joint accounts. She was a SAHM to their school age boy. She was also quite a bit younger than him. He made mid six figures as an engineering director for a major government contractor. 

She turned LD on him, played the "I am ok if you look elsewhere" card and meanwhile used the squirreled money to hire a top notch lawyer and PI. When cousin strayed, she nailed him. 

Cousin ended up letting her keep their million dollar house on the east coast and pay child support. He got into health issues and ended up laid off. He moved south and makes a fraction of what he used to make.

The wife hired a personal trainer, lost the weight, and got married to a younger guy closed to her age. 

The cousin ended up marrying a Psychologist PhD :rofl:

If this had happened to someone else I would have laughed bit I know the guy. He's brilliant and yet...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Dizzy

Have you watched "Who wants to be a Millionare?" When the contestants poll the audience, 9 times out of 10 the audience is right. Its probable more than that. Here on TAM, It's the same Tammers are right 9 times out of 10... It may be more like 95 out of 100 that Tammers are right.

My wife sees me as a friend and a provider... There is zero sexual interest. She is fine with sex 3X a month... She is happier without sex...I don't think she has checked out, she just has no desire...

It may seem like a good idea to have sex with other women. IMO, you wife just wants you to stop pestering her for sex... That what I feel my wife did. It's a bad idea though.

I know you may not believe other women will be interested in you but you are wrong... 

In 6 months, 9 months, a year from now, you will meet a woman, I almost guarantee you will. You will meet that honest, loving, caring, passionate , beautiful woman...There may be the chemistry, passion, mutual attraction, mutual desire...everything you may desire and you being married will be a deal breaker for her...

You compromised your integrity for what? You will be hurt... Not your wife...

I took a poll of the audience and I resisted their answers for over 2 years now...I know what I need for my happiness...I have been agonizing over this decision and torchuring myself for a long time...

My time on TAM is about over now... I know what I have to do. It's breaking my heart way more than words can ever say because I still love my wife. She doesn't love me.

dizzy- does your wife love you?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

tommyr said:


> What are you talking about?
> There are very few states where infidelity makes any difference in divorce.
> And even those few states, it's quite hard to actually prove infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The lady hired a pretty good PI who supposedly got plenty of evidence. They lived in an 'equitable' distribution state that happens to be super liberal, and unfortunately for him one of those few states that adultery can make a difference. 

The end result is that someone who basically did not work a day in her life and was married for 12-15 years ended up with a million dollar house plus child support. `

The guy got a mild heart attack, lost his job, his house, and is paying child support for a child three timezones away and two weeks every summer.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Faeleaf said:


> I do not advise you seek someone else while still married to your wife.
> 
> An open marriage is an "advanced" course. It can *enhance* a marriage ONLY if both partners are enthusiastic and the marriage is solid, healthy and happy already. I think very few marriages fit this qualification, and definitely not yours...sorry.
> 
> ...


Absolutely!

If it's broken don't go there, if it isn't and you both have that inclination enjoy the flight.

In your case bizzy79 I concur with Faeleaf and others, that you will be poorly served by stepping out while remaining married.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Trickster said:


> Dizzy
> 
> Have you watched "Who wants to be a Millionare?" When the contestants poll the audience, 9 times out of 10 the audience is right. Its probable more than that. Here on TAM, It's the same Tammers are right 9 times out of 10... It may be more like 95 out of 100 that Tammers are right.
> 
> ...




Hi Trickster,

I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. It is sad to read, and I am sorry that what you thought would help, has not helped.

I thank you, and everybody else who has replied and offered advice (I'm sorry, I don't have time to reply to every poster, but thank you all for the mostly sound advice!). I am certain now that it would be a bad idea to have sex with someone else. Even in my first post, I was saying that I didn't want to do it.

To answer your question Trickster- yes she does love me. Of that I am 100% sure. 

If you have a thread of your own, I will read your story. Good luck.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Trickster,

Hope you will not give up on TAM.

As long as you have the open marriage agreement, what was it for? One year, right. Use it. It could make your wife jealous and spark interest on her side, so that she wants you back. Make her work for you.

It sounds too simple. But simple may work well.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Last tijme I had the "talk" with my ND husband (married nearly two years and the sex dried up once the ring was on my finger), I told him straight that unless we sort out our sex life together, I would need to look elsewhere for sex - I'm too young to spend the rest of my life without sex. This seemed to have the desired effect - we had sex the following night and then again a week later. That was back in May and we're now back at square one with no sex going on at all. If you're not getting it at home, then I don't see what's wrong with getting it elsewhere so long as the LD/ND partner has been warned about this in advance and has had plenty of opportunities to do something to rectify the situation.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

doobie said:


> Last tijme I had the "talk" with my ND husband (married nearly two years and the sex dried up once the ring was on my finger), I told him straight that unless we sort out our sex life together, I would need to look elsewhere for sex - I'm too young to spend the rest of my life without sex. This seemed to have the desired effect - we had sex the following night and then again a week later. That was back in May and we're now back at square one with no sex going on at all. If you're not getting it at home, then I don't see what's wrong with getting it elsewhere so long as the LD/ND partner has been warned about this in advance and has had plenty of opportunities to do something to rectify the situation.


Looks like he married you under false pretenses. File and move on, this won't get better. He has issues with you or himself. Is he a porn addict? Are you both in good shape and take care of yourselves? Has his testosterone been checked?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Looks like he married you under false pretenses. File and move on, this won't get better. He has issues with you or himself. Is he a porn addict? Are you both in good shape and take care of yourselves? Has his testosterone been checked?


He did make out that he was a bit of a love god at first, telling me that he and his first wife were swingers who held regular sex parties! He's not a porn addict. However, although I'm in good shape (35 years of yoga, walking, circuit training, etc), he has had major heart surgery 12 years ago and has done nothing since to address his health problems. He has not had his testosterone checked but plans to do so in December when we return to UK to visit family.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bizzy79 said:


> A few months ago, during some discussions about sex, frequency, desire etc- despite me saying I would love it if she had the same (frequent) desires as me, she said she "would not blame me" if I found a lover.


Here is an article discussing another article on the subject.
Why so many wives their husbands would cheat.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bizzy79 said:


> To answer your question Trickster- yes she does love me. Of that I am 100% sure.


Aw man... Trickster, I have no doubt she loves you. But, as cheesy at it sounds, there is a huge difference between loving someone and LOVING someone, if you know what I mean.

I love you but I'm not IN love with you - that's a real thing.

I'll give you an example from my experience. I have a female friend whom I've known for several years. I absolutely adore her. We are on the same wavelength, we share many of the same interests (some geeky), we see eye to eye on a lot of things, but we can also get into heated discussions. She makes me laugh, I make her laugh.

But I have absolutely no desire to sleep with her, nor do I even look at her in a sexual light (nor her me). And it's not because I'm married either, it's just not there. I think of her more as a sister, or a close cousin. Even when I first met her there was no attraction of THAT sort. And she's gorgeous! There's no rhyme or reason for it, it's just not there, and I can honestly say that it never will be, either.

My ex wife, incidentally, told me the same thing as we were splitting up. She loved me, a lot. She couldn't bear the thought of being without me - and I believed her. There were a lot of tears. She and I were much like my friend above, only I DID have a sexual attraction to her. She did not. She said that she felt like she was living with her brother, which hurt at the time, but I grew to understand what she meant by that.

Bottom line, this type of thing happens. One can be attracted to somebody in all ways, except sexually. Often, you don't even realize it until much later on. The rest of the things that you are attracted to take greater importance and you don't even notice that the attraction isn't sexual until it hits you one day. It's a tough, but very real, situation.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you feel more confident that you can find a solution?


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