# does not support my career



## bookgirl3 (Jan 15, 2012)

I moved to this state for my fiance. I took the bar exam here to be with him and only looked for jobs in this state because he is here. 

Now, I am a public defender. A lot of people don't get my job. Its never mattered. I love it, I believe in it- I am happy, challenged, and fulfilled. 

We've known I'd be doing this as my job for about two years now. This was not some new endeavor. Three months ago, my fiance and I got engaged. I'd never been happier. 

Recently, he refused to meet up with me whenever I was out with coworkers. To me, it was strange since I thought he'd want to know who I spent most of my time with. 

I confronted him about this, and his response was completely unexpected. He began to tell me that he did not support my job- not that he disagreed with X or Y- but that he did not support my job. He told me it was not "noble." What's more, he makes good money, and continued to tell me that he could not "subsidize" me doing this kind of work.

I felt blindsided. I've never asked him for anything. I have a law degree- my earning capacity is high. This is a choice. 

I have felt so sad and alone thinking that this could be a "dealbreaker." I need someone who supports me and loves me unconditionally- who accepts me for everything that I am. I need someone who sees marriage as sharing a life- not "subsidizing" the person earning less at any given point. I fell in love with him because he was so steady, caring, and loving. The things he has said make me think that he is someone else altogether. I don't know where any of this i coming from. 

I know that he sees it as just an issue with the job- as in, he can support "me" without supporting my career. I don't agree. I don't need his support- I'm confident in what I do. But if he does not support me unconditionally, and the support has to, instead, come from me, then what's the point of having a partner?

I'm sad and want to move past this. I'm going to set up help with a professional, because I feel like somewhere, something is being lost in translation. Am I insane? Am I making this a bigger deal than it is? Or, is this the deal breaker I think it is? Thoughts, please!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well he sees it as you should earn your at your capacity. Apparently it's a deal breaker for him. So either you get a higher paying position or you leave him.

His feelings about this are not good or bad, they just are. This is what women's right are about.. we have the right to be equal to men.

Would you be able to live the lifestyle you want without his subsidy? Probably not. More and more men are getting the attitude your fiance has. They expect their wives to be equal financial contributors.

This is why we date... to decide if the other person is a good match for us. Apparently your career choice is a deal braker to him. He probably had to live with it for a while to realize that it's a deal breaker.

If this is what you want to do for your career than you will need to move on. Do not try to force a relationship where there is such a huge difference in values.


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## I mean really (Jan 16, 2012)

Well girl, after 17yrs of marriage, I'm going through the same thing. I always worked, I held jobs for many years at different companies, but I guess they were just that jobs. But about 4years ago I finally settled into the career I was meant to do. I love what I do and I wanted him to be happy I finally found my calling. Now I am put down for enjoying what I do. I can't even mention my day when I get home. It's horrible!!


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