# Possible success in the making.



## sbm1977

So quick background. Us, mid 30's have been together 16 years and have two daughters 12 & 8. Met at university and have been together since. Always had a fantastically strong friendship and I still believe complement and are well suited together.

She had been struggling at work for a while with a ****ty boss, but there was a nice boss as well. I found out in march that this nice boss and her had been having an affair for about a year. When it started we were having an extension on the house and it was really stressful for both of us. Also my work was crazy demanding at that time. Mr nice sleazed his way in to her affections and the trouble started. 

So DDay was mid march. The following week was horrific. Day 1 reaction kick her out. Day 2 meet up and discuss things but I was a mess and didnt handle it well. She said she wanted to come home and was horribly confused so I agreed not to keep her away from the children if she promised NC with OM. Any contact of any kind means instant divorce - I was tested on this many times in the early days but stood calm but firm.

Over next week or so I found plenty of books. I thought stuff it let's go for it. I started weight training, learning the piano just being my own person. I was pleasant and although prob asked to many questions and had too many chats I tried to just back off and enjoy what might be my final times with the girls (depending on custody battle). 

Life carried in pretty much as normal but all our friends and family knew etc. we tried MC but it seemed clear she wasn't up for it at that point. By the time we had got there we had already figured out more than the sessions gave us.

I kept on reading, finding this site. We went out with friends and right in front of her a woman hit on me in the bar (that helped). 

I set new routines - cleaned up the bits she had moaned about so there would be no excuses (dishwasher, bin etc). 

Generally opened my heart right back up to her and was fun, friendly, warm and pleasant. This was tough as if I tried to kiss her she wouldn't kiss back and was in shutdown. 

Then she finally opened up a bit more about the affair. I confronted and punched the OM. Wrong but felt good. 

By this time there had been lots of investment of time but no physical return (shared baths, backrubs etc). but I felt she was still attached to OM.

So then I said I wanted a D one day saying I'd had enough. That was 3 months after discovery (about 5 days ago). She was stunned. After 4 days of tears followed, in which she pleaded with me to stay. Saying all this time I was still her perfect guy, and she finally realised everything. Obviously I'm slightly sceptical after having the ILYBNILWY speech and saying she wasn't attracted to me. But today I feel more connected to her than I have done since our holiday 2 years ago. She is a acting like we first met or on out honeymoon. So by giving her the best of me first I feel it gave her time to fully appreciate that before I tried to pull the rug from under her. 

We're making a list of areas we want to improve, setting time aside each night to just have a cup of tea build up those 15 hours. Setting time aside once a week to air problems/ annoyances in a constructive manner. Meantime I'm still reading no more mr nice guy, and married mans primer. Which I did a lot of anyway but I suffered on the mr nice guy syndrome.

Sounds crappy to play games but had to have a strategy. So wish me luck and let's see what happens!


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## daisygirl 41

Good luck to you.
So has she ended her affair? And gone NC with him?
Is she transparent, remorseful and willing to do ALL the heavy lifting to fix this?
Affairs don't just end overnight so please be on your guard.
You might do better posting this in the coping with infidelity forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife

I agree with daisy, unfortunately, first and foremost you have to verify NC. My husband and I went through 3 years of false R because I just believed him when he said he was NC with his AP. Right through 6+ months of MC. I was just very ignorant about how affairs function. You can see for yourself the powerful attachment she has had and that she didn't just snap out of it. Temptation to contact him will rear its head again. Your being hurt or angry just aren't enough disincentive to stop breaking NC--if they were, she wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

If you believe you are turning the corner, and the 3rd person in the marriage has been kicked to the curb, some other books to read (which you have likely seen on this site)

5 Love Languages (free website quiz)
His Needs / Her Needs (free website questionnaire)
Love Busters (free website questionnaire)

each book covers different issues.

Another book our excellent MC really likes is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman.

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Never underestimate the powerful, magnetic draw of the fantasy

You can't fix the marriage while 3 people are in it


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## sbm1977

Daisy girl the answer is yes to all those questions. I've spent a lot of time with her and can usually tell when she is lying to my face. So I think yes.


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## sbm1977

Iheartlife I will look at all of those. I have seen a few of your posts and always thought they seemed very wise. Ty


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## iheartlife

Not so sure about wise. Experience hard earned, yes, I will cop to that.


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## sbm1977

Ok so another 3 days down (total 13 weeks in). Things are continuing to improve daily. We are spending a lot of time together and being honest and open. I bought some of the books previously recommended and came home yesterday to her crying as she read then because she could relate and she more clearly how it had all gone wrong. As can I. There is a positive air of optimism since the weekend when we kiss and made up. 

She has said positive things, and I sense she is truly regretful. Also that for the last couple of weeks when she looks back she sees it all for what it was, and how everyone has viewed him from the start. I know talk is cheap but I think if there was a webcam here you guys would see. 

We have many other stresses at the moment - money, health, house, work, cars. So it's all a bit heavy but I think we are going to be ok.

I still feel like someone has unloaded 12 rounds in my chest and the bullet holes are still smouldering - but she's really making an effort to help me heal (& I am there for her). Fingers crossed all.


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## This is me

You sound as good as anyone can in your situation. I wish you strength and patience.

All the best to you both!


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## iheartlife

sbm1977 said:


> I bought some of the books previously recommended and came home yesterday to her crying as she read then because she could relate and she more clearly how it had all gone wrong. As can I. There is a positive air of optimism since the weekend when we kiss and made up.
> 
> She has said positive things, and I sense she is truly regretful. Also that for the last couple of weeks when she looks back she sees it all for what it was, and how everyone has viewed him from the start. I know talk is cheap but I think if there was a webcam here you guys would see.


This is terrific, but as you point out yourself, ACTIONS not words. 

I probably said this already (I am a bit of a broken record) but my FWH sent a 'fishing' email to his AP about 3 or 4 weeks into No Contact. She responded. Then a few days went by and he sent another. Pretty soon they were off to the races...I never verified, and this affair (primarily emailing / texting / phone calls with a few public meetings ever few weeks) lasted three more years before I caught him, again...


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## wiigirl

sbm1977 said:


> Daisy girl the answer is yes to all those questions. I've spent a lot of time with her and can usually tell when she is lying to my face. So I think yes.


Its hard when trust is broken....Good luck!:smthumbup:


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