# Separated and dejected



## Alisha7

Hi everyone - I am 40 yrs old separated frm my husband for about 2mths. We have two beautiful kids together who i live with at the family home. My husband decided he wanted out of this relationship 6 mths ago and finally left home 2 mths ago as he wanted his space. He pretty much doesn't contact me unless there is a question about the kids. He feels he is stuck and i am keeping him stuck. History of us- this all started two yrs ago when i had a miscarriage. I started resenting him and the fights began. I threw the divorce card at him everytime we fought but i never meant it. I was so keen on having another kid that i put my marriage on the back burner and now i finally have my baby #2 but lost my marriage. He went on to cheat on me throughout this pregnancy. Came around and asked for forgiveness but i was too hurt and juggling a newborn and hormones didn't let me see thru clearly. I then snapped out of it once my maternity leave ended but it was too late as he checked out. Hoping for some advice as i do want to STILL save my marriage since i love this man. Please be kind as yes i know i should stop reaching out to him but i cant help myself. Am a mess.


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## Tilted 1

Maybe you should message a mod and get your 2 post together. That way you can get more responses.


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## Tilted 1

Well, the vows have been broken by him, and you shoving the D word at him repeatedly has taken it's toll. He got a taste of the single life and he has found being without you causes less emotional pain than staying with you. That being said he has no real reason to return. Imagine if you will. 

When you were repeated doing this D thing to him how you felt you felt that you have the control. Maybe you did. Well now your are going to real the pain of your choice's. And as far as him cheating does not in any shape or form, justify it. He may return but it would be in your best interest to do the 180 and greyrock him. Because the one who has the least to lose has the most power.


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## Mr.Married

It's not uncommon to see women do exactly what you did. They only regret it after it is too late.

"I then snapped out of it once my maternity leave ended" ...... You decided that you liked him again after you needed him to pick up your work load. 

I'm sorry about your miscarriage ..... that is a terrible thing.

I don't condone your husbands cheating .... but I understand why he did it and I believe you do as well.

Advice: As you say it sounds like he is checked out. I'm betting he is liking being away from you. His new found freedom feeling may fade in time and you might get a shot.
You could wait and see. I'd say y'all might be a good candidate for some marriage counseling if you could get him to agree.

In the future you should be careful not to sweep your husband and marriage under the rug in the name of mommyhood and child.


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## aquarius1

Im sorry this has happened. Both the miscarriage and the separation.

Unfortunately all too many of us here have paid some price for putting our marriage last. 

We women tend to ultra focus on children, and put our marriages down on the priority lost.
I truly believe despite the exterior and the media portrayal, that men have extremely fragile, sensitive egos. 
Rejection is harsh for them, and some just quietly slip away...
That does not, however, justify cheating. NEVER

You say not to be harsh on you, but reality is often unkind. Your husband has cheated. You should be ANGRY.
I understand that you love him, but he has crossed an uncrossable line. And while you were pregnant. WOW 

You need to 180 him. focus on your kids. See a lawyer. Hes living the single life while you have all the responsibility. 
Make him take the kids, pay support. Thats what the life of a divorced person is. Make him own it.

Is it possible that you have some post partum depression? You may want to see a doctor. You have to get your strength back. I cannot pretend to understand what effect the miscarriage has had on you, but it has impacted you and you need an expert to guide you through healing.

Are you responsible for the marriage failure? 50% of it, yes. He is responsible for the other 50%.
But he is 100% responsible for choosing to cheat rather than deal with the issues.


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## Alisha7

Agreed and thank you. I guess am lil too late to turn things around. I wasn't myself post the birth of my child and bitter about the affair. As soon as all the hormones were out of my system I did realize my wrong doings but am too late. What is this 180 everyone keeps talking about. Sorry am new to this forum. Is this just about keeping it cordial and not showing any affection. I wish it was easy to do but its not been. It is difficult as we see each other every week due to the kids as we are not legally separated or anything. I just dont have the courage to take that step yet. So am not sure how do i do a 180 when we are both still have our obligation to our kids. For ex if i work late i ask him to pick kids etc and no i havent let him take kids to his rental home as it is in another state.


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## Alisha7

"I then snapped out of it once my maternity leave ended" ...... You decided that you liked him again after you needed him to pick up your work load. - i didn’t decide to like him because i wanted him to pick my work load. He mainly decided to end it as he said me throwing the D word got to him and he wanted out. Unfortunately timing sucked as i finally got over the hormonal effects and being depressed at home with my baby and wanted to make this marriage work 😔
He wont go to marriage counseling. Curses them out left and right. He is bitter that he has to pay rent and the mortgage. I guess now i need to look into what are my rights to file for child custody as he plans on fighting for 50/50. 
Yes agreed i was wrong in sweeping my marriage under the rug. I was sad and depressed at times and so hung over having another kid. i never mentioned but i did ivf to have this child so when i say the hormones were ongoing is not an overstatement. Now i am paying the price as i have my child but no marriage.


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## Alisha7

aquarius1 said:


> Im sorry this has happened. Both the miscarriage and the separation.
> 
> Unfortunately all too many of us here have paid some price for putting our marriage last.
> 
> We women tend to ultra focus on children, and put our marriages down on the priority lost.
> I truly believe despite the exterior and the media portrayal, that men have extremely fragile, sensitive egos.
> Rejection is harsh for them, and some just quietly slip away...
> That does not, however, justify cheating. NEVER
> 
> You say not to be harsh on you, but reality is often unkind. Your husband has cheated. You should be ANGRY.
> I understand that you love him, but he has crossed an uncrossable line. And while you were pregnant. WOW
> 
> You need to 180 him. focus on your kids. See a lawyer. Hes living the single life while you have all the responsibility.
> Make him take the kids, pay support. Thats what the life of a divorced person is. Make him own it.
> 
> Is it possible that you have some post partum depression? You may want to see a doctor. You have to get your strength back. I cannot pretend to understand what effect the miscarriage has had on you, but it has impacted you and you need an expert to guide you through healing.
> 
> Are you responsible for the marriage failure? 50% of it, yes. He is responsible for the other 50%.
> But he is 100% responsible for choosing to cheat rather than deal with the issues.


Oh no how do i reply to a specific message. Am testing here.


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## Alisha7

Mr.Married said:


> It's not uncommon to see women do exactly what you did. They only regret it after it is too late.
> 
> "I then snapped out of it once my maternity leave ended" ...... You decided that you liked him again after you needed him to pick up your work load.
> 
> I'm sorry about your miscarriage ..... that is a terrible thing.
> 
> I don't condone your husbands cheating .... but I understand why he did it and I believe you do as well.
> 
> Advice: As you say it sounds like he is checked out. I'm betting he is liking being away from you. His new found freedom feeling may fade in time and you might get a shot.
> You could wait and see. I'd say y'all might be a good candidate for some marriage counseling if you could get him to agree.
> 
> In the future you should be careful not to sweep your husband and marriage under the rug in the name of mommyhood and child.



Agreed and thank you. I guess am lil too late to turn things around. I wasn't myself post the birth of my child and bitter about the affair. As soon as all the hormones were out of my system I did realize my wrong doings but am too late. What is this 180 everyone keeps talking about. Sorry am new to this forum. Is this just about keeping it cordial and not showing any affection. I wish it was easy to do but its not been. It is difficult as we see each other every week due to the kids as we are not legally separated or anything. I just dont have the courage to take that step yet. So am not sure how do i do a 180 when we are both still have our obligation to our kids. For ex if i work late i ask him to pick kids etc and no i havent let him take kids to his rental home as it is in another state.


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## Alisha7

Mr.Married said:


> It's not uncommon to see women do exactly what you did. They only regret it after it is too late.
> 
> "I then snapped out of it once my maternity leave ended" ...... You decided that you liked him again after you needed him to pick up your work load.
> 
> I'm sorry about your miscarriage ..... that is a terrible thing.
> 
> I don't condone your husbands cheating .... but I understand why he did it and I believe you do as well.
> 
> Advice: As you say it sounds like he is checked out. I'm betting he is liking being away from you. His new found freedom feeling may fade in time and you might get a shot.
> You could wait and see. I'd say y'all might be a good candidate for some marriage counseling if you could get him to agree.
> 
> In the future you should be careful not to sweep your husband and marriage under the rug in the name of mommyhood and child.


"I then snapped out of it once my maternity leave ended" ...... You decided that you liked him again after you needed him to pick up your work load. - i didn’t decide to like him because i wanted him to pick my work load. He mainly decided to end it as he said me throwing the D word got to him and he wanted out. Unfortunately timing sucked as i finally got over the hormonal effects and being depressed at home with my baby and wanted to make this marriage work 😔 He wont go to marriage counseling. Curses them out left and right. He is bitter that he has to pay rent and the mortgage. I guess now i need to look into what are my rights to file for child custody as he plans on fighting for 50/50. Yes agreed i was wrong in sweeping my marriage under the rug. I was sad and depressed at times and so hung over having another kid. i never mentioned but i did ivf to have this child so when i say the hormones were ongoing is not an overstatement. Now i am paying the price as i have my child but no marriage.


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## Mr.Married

I know I can come off blunt at times so just to clarify ..... you only own 50% of it ..... the rest is on him.

That mommy mantra has done in plenty marriages. Yes I do get it .... it is a full time job. 

We have two grown daughters of our own and barely avoided it ourselves at times.

There is a big difference in the "experience of love" when it comes to children. A woman's love is more fluid than a man. She can have her love cup filled by the joys of children
and experience all the connection and emotion through them that she needs. A man loves his children but he will always need his love cup filled by his wife. When she ventures
off to the children leaving this part of his need behind ..... it can often lead to him having it met somewhere else.

You often hear the phrase: How could he have done that with young children/babies/shes pregnant/.....blah blah blah blah....

The answer is clear how and why ......

Just food for thought.

And again: You only own half of this. He didn't have to cheat ..... that's on him


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## aquarius1

Alisha7 said:


> Agreed and thank you. I guess am lil too late to turn things around. I wasn't myself post the birth of my child and* bitter about the affair.* As soon as all the hormones were out of my system I did realize my wrong doings but am too late. What is this 180 everyone keeps talking about. Sorry am new to this forum. Is this just about keeping it cordial and not showing any affection. I wish it was easy to do but its not been. It is difficult as we see each other every week due to the kids as we are not legally separated or anything. I just dont have the courage to take that step yet. So am not sure how do i do a 180 when we are both still have our obligation to our kids. For ex if i work late i ask him to pick kids etc and no i havent let him take kids to his rental home as it is in another state.


You were on going crazy-making IVF treatments (hormones) and he cheated when you got pregnant?
You have EVERY right to be BITTER about the affair. HOW DARE HE!
You made mistakes, he CHEATED. 
Seriously, if he came back tomorrow could you honestly forgive him for giving himself physically to another woman? How will that wear on you as the years go on. You will always doubt, never trust and always be looking over your shoulder or feeling that you were not good enough.

Is that what you want your children to see as an example of a marriage?

You need to get a lawyer involved FAST. If his rental is out of state there has to be rules regarding the children.
Nobody is saying this is easy, but the long term return on continuing this fantasy will only delay the pain. 
If he won't go for counselling, there's your answer. He's almost saying he did nothing wrong, almost like it was all your fault. Seriously?


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## aquarius1

It was a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis of “Divorce Busters.” The 180 list goes:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


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## 3Xnocharm

Even though you lost your mind on him, that doesnt excuse him to cheat. Why in the world would you want that back?? Give him his divorce. Own your side of the street and get out of this with a little dignity. If you love him you will respect his need to be away from you, even though it isnt what you want.


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## Marduk

Alisha7 said:


> Hi everyone - I am 40 yrs old separated frm my husband for about 2mths. We have two beautiful kids together who i live with at the family home. My husband decided he wanted out of this relationship 6 mths ago and finally left home 2 mths ago as he wanted his space. He pretty much doesn't contact me unless there is a question about the kids. He feels he is stuck and i am keeping him stuck. History of us- this all started two yrs ago when i had a miscarriage. I started resenting him and the fights began. I threw the divorce card at him everytime we fought but i never meant it. I was so keen on having another kid that i put my marriage on the back burner and now i finally have my baby #2 but lost my marriage. He went on to cheat on me throughout this pregnancy. Came around and asked for forgiveness but i was too hurt and juggling a newborn and hormones didn't let me see thru clearly. I then snapped out of it once my maternity leave ended but it was too late as he checked out. Hoping for some advice as i do want to STILL save my marriage since i love this man. Please be kind as yes i know i should stop reaching out to him but i cant help myself. Am a mess.


The marriage is over. You both killed it. 

Don’t worry about his ****. He’s gonna have to live with the cheating and anything else he’s done. That’s on him. 

You worry about your ****. You got what you wanted and then figured out that you didn’t want it. So that’s what you have to go figure out now. On your own. 

You need to be single, focus on your kids, and focus on why you decided to blow your life up along the way, so you don’t do it again with someone else. Don’t blame it on hormones or anything else. That’s a cop out. You have to own your own actions even if it was influenced by pain and chemistry. 

This marriage has been dead for a long time. So don’t try reviving it. 

Are you in therapy? Journaling? Eating right, exercising? Focusing on being a great mom? Got a lawyer to get out of this dead marriage? 

If not, that’s where I’d recommend you start.


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## Diana7

Why has he moved so far away?


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## Camper292000

What's wrong with him wanting 50/50? 

It should start there....he shouldn't have to 'fight' to be an equal parent.

Just my opinion. 


Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


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## SunnyT

Camper292000 said:


> What's wrong with him wanting 50/50?
> 
> It should start there....he shouldn't have to 'fight' to be an equal parent.
> 
> Just my opinion.
> 
> 
> Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


Exactly what I was going to say. You wanted children with this man. You had children with this man. That must mean that you thought he would be a good father. He is their father, he should get equal time. 

It's time for you to start figuring out HOW you are going to be a single mom. You've got to let him go, and worry about you and your kids. He is not going to pay your mortgage for long. You have to figure out what you are going to do to move on without him.


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