# what to do?!



## CLS (Jun 1, 2010)

Where do I start? I'm a 31 yrs old and have been with the same man for 12 yrs, married 6 of that. I'm on the verge of starting grad school and my marriage is on the rocks. Actually it has been for at least 3 years now. We are obviously growing apart, more so me than him. He's 33 yrs old, but still behaves as he did when we started dating. I know that he cares for me, and has been supportive of me being in school...well, mostly. He seems to resent that I am maturing as I get older and that my tastes are changing. No longer am I content with the bar scene or night after night of watching television. When we were younger we partied alot, but I've outgrown it over the years and want more out of life. I feel the need for more positive and healthier activities, experiences (like traveling), and to do something with my life. I've chosen the path of career due to my interests and because 2 yrs. into the marriage he decided that he did not want to have a family. Nor does he want a decent career. Nor a home (still renting after 12 yrs). In fact, it seems he wants nothing to do with anything that requires any amount of responsibility. I work, sometimes 2 jobs, go to school, do all of the cooking and cleaning, and have to manage the finances to keep the home in order. Recently he bought his one and only dream...a motorcycle. And he's taking on a tough-guy image that I find repulsive. He's even letting his appearances go by growing a goatee that is now about 5 inches long. He seems to be migrating toward one of the local ******* motorcycle gangs, that have "old ladies", drink, and do drugs (cocaine). Obviously, I am concerned for the direction, or lack thereof, that he's taking. And I just can't bring myself to be a part of that culture.
I'm in the process of finding a grad program and it's likely that it will require moving. He told me recently that he did not want to move again. Again meaning that I commuted 120 miles everyday to school and work for 2 yrs. so that we'd live in the city were he worked. He got fired, for being a hothead and having issues with authority, and did nothing for 8 months while I continued to work my butt off. I finally got impatient with his lack of effort and told him that I was moving closer to school and work. He decided to go along. He does have a job, but it's installing cable tv. Not exactly a job that will likely lead to anything in the future. So he could do that anywhere if that's all he wants to do.
I'm at my wits end. We don't have anything in common anymore (activities, goals, dreams). I want to live life to the fullest, and more than anything else experiences that are positive. I take commitment seriously, and believe that marriage shouldn't be given up on so easily. Hence, I continue to stay in the marriage, albeit unfulfilled. Yet I feel like I'm missing out on life by being with him. That I'd have to continue to compromise who I am to make this work. In the meantime, the resentment builds and we can no longer talk about it without him becoming explosively angry. It's further complicated by school. I'd have to drop out in my senior year to leave him and be fully self-sufficient. Did I mention that I've already got ~$40,000 in student loans? Too much time and money invested to do that. And it's the only thing positive that I've got going on right now.
Sometimes I wonder if it's the stress of school that's straining us...I'm sure it's a factor. Will it improve once I'm done? Or will I find that if I forego grad school for the sake of a happier home life, that we still are too different to make it work?
How different can two people be and still have a successful marriage?


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I don't know the answer... But, have a few questions...

You two have a lot of history. Are there some dreams of his that he isn't able to voice, for fear of pushing yours aside? 

I don't think you can drop school for a "successful marriage" unless there is something pulling you that direction besides an attempt to stop the fighting. There has to be real motivation, or you will resent him.

It also reads like you feel financially hostage to him, due to the student loans. I imagine it's not the most romantic environment...

Is there a way you two can recapture the spark, and start building the dream together? What is it that grad school will deliver for you guys? Does he want that, too?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though you could be dealing with a "Peter Pan". Those men never grow up. And as the spouse matures and grows, the "peter Pan" stays forever young. Oh, and the friction that causes! Perhaps you can do more reading on the Peter Pan Syndrome.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

This sounds really tough, and I feel for you. I would strongly advise you to finish grad school. If your graduate degree increases your earnings potential enough, then the student loans will be worth it, even though 40K is a lot of money. 

I am a firm, firm believer in the view that marriage is a true partnership, and that once two people are married, the marriage is the fundamental unit, not the individual. This is strongly at odds with a lot of our culture in the US, and strongly at odds with a lot of the advice you're going to get. 

For me, this view gives rise to inquiries like, "what do I need to do to nourish the marriage that I am?" "Who do I need to be to be a true partner in this marriage?" I am extremely blessed and lucky that I found a man who engages in these inquiries with me. 

What I read in your post above suggests that your husband, at least thus far, hasn't been able to engage in this kind of inquiry. When I see the "Peter Pan Syndrome," as 827Aug notes above, I see people who are resisting the sublimation of themselves to their partnerships. 

Maybe I'm nuts, but I wonder if there is some possibility of having your husband start to look at what he needs to "grieve" about his past - what unattained dream or fantasy, for example - that would allow him to start creating a new future as a partner.

Alternatively, and this may be easier if you don't have children, you could recognize that this is a harder path than you want to tread, and you could find a way to leave, and thus return to the state of being an individual, free to make your own way in the world, and free to find a man who WILL be your true partner.


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