# Pros and Cons of confronting the OM



## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

I caught my W cheating 9 days ago (another post), and at first, I placed the blame for her infidelity squarely on her shoulders, and couldn't have cared less about the OM. While the blame holds true, the OM does share at least a little of the blame, as he had met me and knew she was married. So, is it worthwhile to confront the OM? It would have to be at work, as I don't have his home addy (yet...I can get it in a matter of minutes, but have chosen not to). What would be the benefits or detractions of confronting him?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's completely a waste of time to confront him. He already knows what he's been doing and with whom.

Now the OM's wife or girlfriend, that is someone to contact and let know what is going on.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ember said:


> I caught my W cheating 9 days ago (another post), and at first, I placed the blame for her infidelity squarely on her shoulders, and couldn't have cared less about the OM. While the blame holds true, the OM does share at least a little of the blame, as he had met me and knew she was married. So, is it worthwhile to confront the OM? It would have to be at work, as I don't have his home addy (yet...I can get it in a matter of minutes, but have chosen not to). What would be the benefits or detractions of confronting him?



people don't want the shame of an exposed affair, it can affect their job, their social standing and affect friendships and of course marriages if the OM is married. Letting the people around the cheaters know what they are doing will help in demystifying the thrill and excitement of the affair and actually face the reality of what they are doing is wrong. (not everyone of course, some people use the conflict to fuel the "me and you against the world" romantic notion)

Bottom line is that people close to the cheaters deserve to know that their employee/friend/spouse is a liar and a cheat. You do need to be calm about such things and be cognizant of harassment laws and what is acceptable both legally and morally. For example, let their employer know if the affair started at work and explain to them that you are letting the company know he is violating their policies, keep your emotions in check about it and be the good guy or else you will be viewed as a crazy lunatic.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think I misread the post, you are talking about confronting the OM one on one, there is no need for this. If you get your WS to agree to a no contact you should also have no contact with the OM.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I say talk to him.
I have been wanting to meet the OM for 2 years. He's scared and refused some time ago after I found out everything. I still want to tell him just how his actions contributed to the situation since he knew that my wife was married.
One day I will meet up with him, hopefully when he is with his wife...


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Benefits:
Makes you feel good.

Detractions:
Embarrass him enough and your wife may feel sympathy for him.
He may get the police involved to keep you away from him.
He may retaliate against you.

The only reason to confront the "other man" is if your wife has clearly expressed her desire to end the relationship and yet the pursuit continues. There's nothing you can do to change what they did in the past.

Spend your energy working on your wife, not the other man.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Confronting the other man will do nothing for your cause. Since you are at a very emotional stage, you could end up in a lot of trouble. However, you do need to expose him to his wife/girlfriend, parents, etc.--i.e. anyone who HE respects and could make an impact on his behavior.

It is your wife's fault! Do not blame yourself or the OM. Your wife made that decision on her own free will. That's why you need to demand your wife send the OM a "no contact" letter, OR she needs to pack her things and leave.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I have a different spin on this, but recognize the potential dangers and pitfalls.

I wish i could have confronted the OM to tell him to back off or else.

Why? Because even if he would not, I would have had a feeling of having done something concrete.

Instead, my wife kept his identity hidden from me and I thought it was "over."

If I'd known who it was I could have checked on things.

The thing the others are posting about to you is the potential for a confrontation to heat up into violence.

So they tell you walk away from it or tell you to tell his family, friends, and coworkers.

I'm not so sure those kinds of notifications are less potentially dangerous.

For example, getting him fired for screwing your wife could have him in your face pretty quickly--with time on his hands.

But knowing all this, and knowing how fresh it is for you dealing with this? I am sorry you are in this place. It is a lousy place to be, brooding about a cheating wife and wanting to lash out, wanting justice, hating this pig of a man for intruding on your life.


----------



## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Confronting the OM is unlikely going to go the way you expect. WW will tell him you know the first moment she can. They will create the best cover story they can. He will never 'come clean' about this.

OMs are:


Deathly afraid of you (They know your primal male need to protect territory at all costs)
Spineless cowards
Afraid of any repercussions (Why else would they hide the relationship)
After easy prey (why else would they pursue a married woman) 

The OM will lie to you to save his hide. He knows his personal safety, loss of his wife (his territory), loss of this livelihood is at grave risk. You may even deservedly beat him like a dog the moment you see the slime-ball. If this happens you could be incarcerated. This turd is not worth your time.

The right thing is to expose his dirty secret. Expose to his wife, his family, his employer. They need to know what a waste of oxygen he is.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

If your W and OM work together, time to talk to HR or a boss there and let them know about the affair and what is going on. That would be a much better FU than just talking to him. EXPOSE this BS big time.


----------



## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

Locard said:


> If your W and OM work together, time to talk to HR or a boss there and let them know about the affair and what is going on. That would be a much better FU than just talking to him. EXPOSE this BS big time.


Well, they don't work together anymore, unfortunately for this situation...but the affair did start at work before she found a better job. And, as far as I can tell, the OM is divorced, so limited options about approaching family.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Confronting the other man will do nothing for your cause. Since you are at a very emotional stage, you could end up in a lot of trouble. However, you do need to expose him to his wife/girlfriend, parents, etc.--i.e. anyone who HE respects and could make an impact on his behavior.
> 
> *It is your wife's fault! *Do not blame yourself or the OM. Your wife made that decision on her own free will. That's why you need to demand your wife send the OM a "no contact" letter, OR she needs to pack her things and leave.


It is his wife's fault. The OM has significant blame as well. Any man that goes after a married woman has blame. No free passes.
This does not reduce the blame on the wife.


----------



## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

michzz said:


> I have a different spin on this, but recognize the potential dangers and pitfalls.
> 
> I wish i could have confronted the OM to tell him to back off or else.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I appreciate your wise words here


----------



## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

i think OM/OW should be confronted, and be told their actions are dispicable in nature. they should be made aware fo this. there is benefit to confronting them, because it letsw them know they're not get off the hook so easily. i don't know why many here are against it. i think its because they don't have the guts to look them in their face. a little bit cowardly, if you ask me. this person was an integral part in the destrcution of your marriage, if you caught someone stealing from you; wouldn't you be compelled to confront said person. OM/OW stole you spouse from you. sure your spouse was a dtermining factor in it, but so were they(AP). they also need to chastised face-to-face.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

justsam said:


> i think OM/OW should be confronted, and be told their actions are dispicable in nature. they should be made aware fo this.


I'm sure they already know and quite frankly don't care. They are off in that thing called the "fog" too.




justsam said:


> because it letsw them know they're not get off the hook so easily.


Explain what that entails. Shunning? Violence? The OM/OW isn't exactly on the hook for anything. That's the appeal of an affair--as the old adage goes, they get all the milk without buying the cow.



justsam said:


> i think its because they don't have the guts to look them in their face


Many of us have plenty of guts. I just find brains to be more useful than guts and emotions in these situation. Besides I don't like to have legal problems.




justsam said:


> OM/OW stole you spouse from you. sure your spouse was a dtermining factor in it, but so were they(AP). they also need to chastised face-to-face.


No, OM/OW did not steal a spouse. That lying, cheating spouse went on their own--no drugs, gun point, or arm twisting. True, that OM/OW is a no good son of a gun and the lowest form of animal life. But, your own cheating spouse is a much lower life form. They betrayed you and broke their marriage vows. They could have said no to the OM/OW's advances. But they didn't. They chose to cheat. If it hadn't been with this person, it would have been with someone else.

There are much better ways to chastise. 

Whether OP choses to confront the other man is entirely up to him. Hopefully he will at least wait about doing so until he is less emotional.


----------



## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

nobody said violence. why does it always go back to violence. you mean to tell me you can't go and tell this guy/gal what you think about them, even if they don't care. geez... if its gonna bring you some sort of closure then go ahead and do it. its different for everybody. it doesn't have to resort to violence, but if it does then so be it.


----------



## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

and about the brains thing. just because a person is smart doesn't mean one shouldn't let their anger out, in whatever manner they chose. my God... talk about be sanctamonious


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep this in mind, your wife may be putting a spin on your marriage, it could be possible that your wife told OM that things are so good and the both of you are going to seperate any way.

While confronting the other man you can let him know that yes there are problems but by no mean are you not in love with your wife and do want his support and respect in repairing the marriage by ending all contact with your wife.

I would also inform him that you have no intention of sitting by b/c you do still want the marraige and his continue influence will only cuase bigger problems. now is the time to be civil and take the high road in ending the relationship with a married women. 

I would continue with the fact that the lose of your marriage would be the the lose of everything and that you have nothing else to lose. it would be in the OM best interst to stay away from her b/c you are not sure what you will do if you lose her.

Giving the perception and illusion that you will do what ever it takes and you have nothing to lose. Inform OM that if he does what you are requesting then there would be no need to involve him in the drame be it his professional or personal life. In addition the emotional termoil between you and your wife should be just that between you and her. You have no intention of draging him into a mess, so again it would be OM best interest to stay out of the up incoming storm head this way.

In short;
Inform him that you have lost everthing and have nothing to lose and will overcome this with what ever means available. this is not about threats but warning him that any more involvement will just drag him along and in the end it may not be worth the relationship.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

justsam said:


> and about the brains thing. just because a person is smart doesn't mean one shouldn't let their anger out, in whatever manner they chose. my *God... talk about be sanctamonious*


Right. Having brains does not make one a submissive worm. 
Any man with a brain can figure out that he needs to confront the man who has been aggressive taking advantage of his wife. A man who does that should fear for this. If he does not care before the confrontation he just might afterwards. 

You are correct. Folks are certainly entitled to their opinion. But notice how you get attacked for not having brains for having your own opinion.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Keep this in mind, your wife may be putting a spin on your marriage, it could be possible that your wife told OM that things are so good and the both of you are going to seperate any way.
> 
> While confronting the other man you can let him know that yes there are problems but by no mean are you not in love with your wife and do want his support and respect in repairing the marriage by ending all contact with your wife.
> 
> ...


See, this would be the truth for me. There would be no illusion. I know that a marriage is not as important to most folks. I would also apply the scorched earth policy.


----------



## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

^no doubt Entropy. i mean why do these people always think its gonna revert to violence. just to have a man-to-man talk about it. just to let him/her know how they were wrong in their behavior... thats all. if it reverts to a little agression, then so what. you didn't go with the intention inciting a violent act, but sh!t happens. they make people out to be raging animals, when that's not at all what i'm advocating... just a sense of closure for some of us who need this.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I stand correct,
My point was take it as far as you can with out making the statement of " I'll kill, kill, kill, kill"......dead burnt bodie, vians in my teeth"....kill, kill, kill, kill,"

threatening but not!

You no what I mean?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> I stand correct,
> My point was take it as far as you can with out making the statement of " I'll kill, kill, kill, kill"......dead burnt bodie, vians in my teeth"....kill, kill, kill, kill,"
> 
> threatening but not!
> ...


So the not the .357 in the mouth and calmly telling them to disappear or you will make them disappear. Ah. Ok.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No the illusion that you have a .357 and have nothing to lose but putting it in OM mouth b'c you have nothing to lose, but not actualy doing it, getting him to believe that you have done it to some one else. Fabricating fact to benifit you out come!

My stance is stressing the affair with out looking like the bad guy...just like in any thing there are stages and steps that dictate action or reaction. Munipulation, and the ability to step away from a emotional situation and control it for your best interest.

I am a firm believer that making the the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible is the the best tactic as long as you can prove you are not he bad guy......again confrontation is everything!!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> No the illusion that you have a .357 and have nothing to lose but putting it in OM mouth b'c you have nothing to lose, but not actualy doing it, getting him to believe that you have done it to some one else. Fabricating fact to benifit you out come!
> 
> My stance is stressing the affair with out looking like the bad guy...just like in any thing there are stages and steps that dictate action or reaction. Munipulation, and the ability to step away from a emotional situation and control it for your best interest.
> 
> I am a firm believer that making the the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible is the the best tactic as long as you can prove you are not he bad guy......again confrontation is everything!!


My point is really that the dude should be very much afraid of what the husband may do. It is really in the calm demeanor of the husband. The firmness that you will do everything needed to eliminate him from the picture and you are not concerned for the consequences because your wife is all that matters to you.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Okay, I know this is hacked to death, but I did contact the OM after my wife's EA with him. It was about 3-4 days after DDay and I was in the middle of hell with my W.

Before contacting him, my W told me the OM asked her if it was okay if he contacted me, to apologize basically. She told him she didn't think anything he would say would help.

So given that, I decided to email him. He was a friend of hers mostly, but also a friend of mine over the years as a result. I was very calm and cool about it in my email, and it felt really good. He responded, took some blame, said he would leave us alone, but it was very clear he couldn't let go either. He even asked if he could still be Facebook friends with us so he could "enjoy seeing your lives together". I mean, this was whack stuff!

I emailed him back (to this day our last communication) with a firmer, more aggressive approach, but without being a total d*ck, and told him we would never be friends again, and that he needed to let go.

It didn't really accomplish anything, but it made me feel a lot better, and it had no negative ramifications. He is single, so there was no OMW to tell.


----------



## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

Cypress said:


> Confronting the OM is unlikely going to go the way you expect. WW will tell him you know the first moment she can. They will create the best cover story they can. He will never 'come clean' about this.
> 
> OMs are:
> 
> ...


Superb post!!!!:smthumbup: Everything you said is exactly everything the OM did...word for word. 
My H confronted OM and wanted to rip his eyes from their sockets and sh*t in them and cut his hands off but he said that standing in front of a sniveling coward who kept his hands in his pockets, eyes to the ground and told nothing but absolute lies to him wasn't worth the money or time in jail. He said it felt good to SEE with his own eyes, the one that I was with and tell him what a dirtbag he felt he was. 
OM pursued my H to help "get him on his side" and make me quiet so he could go on in life and tip toe away, unscathed. He called my H 7x's and sent 16 texts to him.
All his effort to weasel his way out of things only fueled the fire and ended badly for him. His W knows everything, as well as his employer. 
My H didn't beat him bloody and end up in the slammer...but his words packed a powerful punch and his W can deal with him without having to hear continued lies and stories and justifications.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Everybody's different; every situation unique in some way on this. I'm 2.5 months out from DDay and still struggling with staying away from the OM, because I *know* if I am within punching distance, it will turn physically violent (you can look up my thread on this; the good people here advised me wisely to stay away). So I have stayed away, because as some within here have said, he is not worth the trouble, time, and money it is likely to cost me. He has already cost me enough. So I chose to contact his wife and hope the ramifications there were at least some pain - but I do so very much hate the powerlessness of not taking the opportunity to beat him senseless.....!!!

One other point - the OM does not 'take advantage of your vulnerable wife'... she goes along willingly; it takes two to tango. She is the one to be really upset with here. She is the one who made and broke vows to you - he didn't. He promised you nothing and owes you nothing. And sorry I disagree with the guy on this one, I don't think he gives a rat's azz what you think about him or what he's done to harm you. He knew that already, just like your wife did. Besides, confronting him verbally gives him the opportunity to basically say "if you were not such a lousy lover she wouldn't have been with me"...to which you have no real meaningful retort now, do you?

Sucks all the way around.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Won't name the othe poster, but how about a friends network to call the OP? I'd gladly use my blocked number to leave the OP a quivering pile of fear for someone on here! I'd even do it to the LS script! Oh, and hopefully someone would do the same for me!


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

<== to be counted in on that!


----------

