# Was lurking



## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

So I have been lurking around here for a long time. I needed to get my head around a few things and reading all of your post has really helped. It's help me understand myself, my husband and our marriage. It's also help me understand what I was allowing to happen to my marriage. With that said I would like to thank all of you... 
Here is my story. We've been married 17.5 years. We have 2 children (15 and 11). We have been through a lot. Infertility, an adoption, 2 failed adoptions, a PA and EA (both husband). I just played the good wife, stood by her man and smiled, even though I was dying inside. Then I got sick the stress of it all shut me down. So I shut down, I was so mad at myself for allowing this to happen and allow myself to be mistreated. However I didn't want to divorce I didn't want to fail. I come from a divorced family I didn't want that for my children. So I stayed, besides I love my husband and he is all I know. He was my 1st love. I meet him right after hs graduation and here we are 19 years later. Any way for the past 2 years we had not touched. I get the cold good night kiss before he wanders up to bed, and I knew this was my fault because when I was mad I would push him away, or wipe off his kisses because I was hurt so I wanted to hurt him. Well after awhile he just stopped trying. I've always been shy, scared to start scared he'd turn me down. So Friday marked 2 years and 3 months since we had any sex or any passion or anything. Well Friday night I bit the bullet and threw myself out there. Guess what it worked!!! We had an enjoyable night, and he was the sweet kind man I married again, not the bitter @sshole who had been living in my house for the past year and 1/2. Sat night we acted like a family and did some Christmas stuff and while walking around he held my hand and kissed me. Sunday more of the same. I was scared to try this but knew I needed to and I'm happy with my results, hopefully we can get back on track and have a full recovery because we were headed for a divorce. Sex really is important and I never really thought it was. I'm ashamed I was so mean and selfish and with held for so long. However I've been told I made up for it Friday night...  yes I was a bad girl and gave him a bj cause I knew he couldn't refude that!


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

What you have been through has taken a great deal of courage. 

I applaud your initiative and resolve to work through it.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

allworx said:


> So I have been lurking around here for a long time. I needed to get my head around a few things and reading all of your post has really helped. It's help me understand myself, my husband and our marriage. It's also help me understand what I was allowing to happen to my marriage. With that said I would like to thank all of you...
> Here is my story. We've been married 17.5 years. We have 2 children (15 and 11). We have been through a lot. Infertility, an adoption, 2 failed adoptions, a PA and EA (both husband). I just played the good wife, stood by her man and smiled, even though I was dying inside. Then I got sick the stress of it all shut me down. So I shut down, I was so mad at myself for allowing this to happen and allow myself to be mistreated. However I didn't want to divorce I didn't want to fail. I come from a divorced family I didn't want that for my children. So I stayed, besides I love my husband and he is all I know. He was my 1st love. I meet him right after hs graduation and here we are 19 years later. Any way for the past 2 years we had not touched. I get the cold good night kiss before he wanders up to bed, and I knew this was my fault because when I was mad I would push him away, or wipe off his kisses because I was hurt so I wanted to hurt him. Well after awhile he just stopped trying. I've always been shy, scared to start scared he'd turn me down. So Friday marked 2 years and 3 months since we had any sex or any passion or anything. Well Friday night I bit the bullet and threw myself out there. Guess what it worked!!! We had an enjoyable night, and he was the sweet kind man I married again, not the bitter @sshole who had been living in my house for the past year and 1/2. Sat night we acted like a family and did some Christmas stuff and while walking around he held my hand and kissed me. Sunday more of the same. I was scared to try this but knew I needed to and I'm happy with my results, hopefully we can get back on track and have a full recovery because we were headed for a divorce. Sex really is important and I never really thought it was. I'm ashamed I was so mean and selfish and with held for so long. However I've been told I made up for it Friday night...  yes I was a bad girl and gave him a bj cause I knew he couldn't refude that!


No, you were a GOOD girl....My wife and I have been having an ongoing hell of a row over sex (frequency) for the past 3-4 weeks....After 47 years, divorce was mentioned.... 

I finally looked her in the eye and said "I don't want to be mad anymore". You should do the same...You have already made a great start...

Please look up my post on resentment...It is a killer of love and intimacy...erase it from your heart....

Best of luck GOOD GIRL.....


----------



## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Thank you.. 
it took a lot of self looking and self help it's true what they say use it or lose it... 
so I had to build myself back up to it... 
Now I need to figure out how to introduce him to my "friend" (the magic wand) I don't want to hide it from him and I think we could have fun together with it... I even got him an attachment for it.. 
any suggestions?


----------



## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> No, you were a GOOD girl....My wife and I have been having an ongoing hell of a row over sex (frequency) for the past 3-4 weeks....After 47 years, divorce was mentioned....
> 
> I finally looked her in the eye and said "I don't want to be mad anymore". You should do the same...You have already made a great start...
> 
> ...


Good luck Woodchuck... I will read your post on resentment...


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

allworx said:


> Thank you..
> it took a lot of self looking and self help it's true what they say use it or lose it...
> so I had to build myself back up to it...
> Now I need to figure out how to introduce him to my "friend" (the magic wand) I don't want to hide it from him and I think we could have fun together with it... I even got him an attachment for it..
> any suggestions?


I would recommend you ask him how he feels about toys in the bedroom and go from there.


----------

