# Ladies; would you be satisfied with a man...



## Cee Paul

......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?

- has a good heart and good sense of humor.

- is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.

- not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.

- works full time and brings home a decent salary.

- is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.

- never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).

- helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


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## that_girl

Hellllls Yes I would be satisfied! Oh wait, I totally am!

However, your anger streak and your cruel words would overwrite anything good you may do. Those mean words play over and over again in a person's brain...


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## Cee Paul

Well those are my qualities and are all the things that I do in the marriage, and those hateful words by me that_girl only started taking place about 2-3 years ago after I started to feel unappreciated and disrespected by her.

And with all the things I just listed, she still makes me feel like those are all petty and it's what every husband is out there doing which is so untrue.


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## that_girl

It is SO untrue. I have girlfriends who tell me crazy stories about their slacker husbands  Damn.

Instead of being passive aggressive, take initiative and start living for you. You are not a child, you are a grown man. Assert yourself kindly and walk away when she throws a fit.

I remember the first time Hubs walked away ....it was sexy as hell  I was sad and upset by his actions but respected him SOOO much for them.


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## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


ugh...sounds awful. Especially the cooking part.


yes, I'm kidding!


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## Cee Paul

Unhappy2011 said:


> That sounds awful.
> 
> Just kidding man,
> 
> But you may want add being a bad ass mother f*cker to that.


Oh trust me at 6'3 and 240 lbs with a bad temper there's not too many people that ever try and get in my way.


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## that_girl

You sound like a big teddy bear with issues masked by anger.

My issues were masked by sarcasm. I cut that shet out the day Hubs said it hurt him. HARD to do...but worth it.


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> You sound like a big teddy bear with issues masked by anger.
> 
> My issues were masked by sarcasm. I cut that shet out the day Hubs said it hurt him. HARD to do...but worth it.


I have both a teddy and a grizzly side to me that I embrace from time to time.


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## that_girl

You are proud of this even though it causes more harm than good? 

I'm not busting yer balls, man...just trying to understand


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## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> Well those are my qualities and are all the things that I do in the marriage, and those hateful words by me that_girl only started taking place about 2-3 years ago after I started to feel unappreciated and disrespected by her.
> 
> And with all the things I just listed, she still makes me feel like those are all petty and it's what every husband is out there doing which is so untrue.


Maybe you got to a place whereby you're taking each other for granted?


In all honesty, I love hearing what my H is passionate about and is keen to learn new things for himself. I like that he's re-discovering that it's important and healthy for him to have friends. That doesn't mean all night boozing, but a quick drink after work from time to time, or grabbing a bite to eat with one of his mates. I like that he sets boundaries with me. I like that he clearly communicated his expectations of me/our relationship. I struggled with that one at first when we were in our funk, but now I get it. I don't think it's about just what you can "do" for your spouse. I think it's important to keep your own sense of self. There's a fine balance to be achieved. 

One of the biggest things I admire, was observing his recent path of self-discovery. It wasn't an easy journey for him but it's about self respect. The inner strength I saw emerge was extremely attractive. What he learned and the way our dynamic changed (I had to learn stuff about myself too), benefited our relationship in a way I couldn't see when it felt murky. But he was doing it for himself. It wasn't for me or for us and he told me that. It was for his own benefit and then other things in his life started changing from that centered place.


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> You are proud of this even though it causes more harm than good?
> 
> I'm not busting yer balls, man...just trying to understand


I am the teddy side of it probably 90% of the time, and the grizzly side of me only comes out when I feel I am being wronged or disrespected by someone.


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## that_girl

Cee Paul said:


> I am the teddy side of it probably 90% of the time, and the grizzly side of me only comes out when I feel I am being wronged or disrespected by someone.


Do you respect yourself? Do you truly know your self-worth?


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## Cee Paul

heartsbeating said:


> Maybe you got to a place whereby you're taking each other for granted?
> 
> 
> In all honesty, I love hearing what my H is passionate about and is keen to learn new things for himself. I like that he's re-discovering that it's important and healthy for him to have friends. That doesn't mean all night boozing, but a quick drink after work from time to time, or grabbing a bite to eat with one of his mates. I like that he sets boundaries with me. I like that he clearly communicated his expectations of me/our relationship to me. I struggled with that one at first, when we were in our funk but now I get it.
> 
> One of the biggest things I admire about him, was observing his recent path of discovery. It's about self respect.


We have a lot of things to work on but I will say this that she is very very clingy and wants to be around me 24/7, but then gets mad at me left and right and constantly attacks me verbally which is why I think we do need to go hangout with friends & family without one another(but she isn't real fond of that idea).


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## that_girl

Cee Paul said:


> We have a lot of things to work on but I will say this that she is very very clingy and wants to be around me 24/7, but then gets mad at me left and right and constantly attacks me verbally which is why I think we do need to go hangout with friends & family without one another(but she isn't real fond of that idea).


I would say she has abandonment issues from her childhood. She sounds Soooo like me. Clingy and the such.

Nothing will help her except therapy. but i can tell you that YOU are not the root of her aggression. YOU are not the problem. Something inside her has made her untrusting of anyone...

but, you can't fix her, that's all on her. However, you CAN help yourself...

Google "abandonment issues signs, etc" and you may see this is your wife. I was in denial of my issues until i googled it and it was SPOT ON to my reality.


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## *LittleDeer*

Angry men are not attractive (unless it's completely justifiable and rare, like someone treated your wife badly etc.) 

Most women respond well to a steadfast man who is not easily angered and knows what he wants, who knows what needs to be done and does, who puts his family and most importantly wife first. However he cannot be a pushover, he calmly does not take [email protected] If you can't find the balance and get it right things won't get better for you. Sounds like you swing from A hole to doormat. 

Only you can change this.


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## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> We have a lot of things to work on but I will say this that she is very very clingy and wants to be around me 24/7, but then gets mad at me left and right and constantly attacks me verbally which is why I think we do need to go hangout with friends & family without one another(but she isn't real fond of that idea).


She sounds insecure and possibly resentful.

As for your perspective, it's about how you handle this type of thing. 

Boundaries and self-respect.


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## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> And with all the things I just listed, she still makes me feel like those are all petty and it's what every husband is out there doing which is so untrue.


Have you discussed what each others needs are? Maybe you feel helping with laundry is ticking a need for her but maybe other things are more important to her - being listened to, or who knows what. 

The other thought I had reading this, was there comes a point whereby, not callously or hurtfully but the message has to become clear of "This is who I am" with a rock star strut. It doesn't mean you're unwilling to make changes for yourself, or work on your relationship, or meeting her needs.... it's more about having boundaries, knowing your limitations and expectations of one another. What I mean with the "rock star strut" (yes, I'm a ridiculous person, bare with me) is that you won't bust your balls bending over backwards and allowing yourself to be treated in a way that isn't inline with the type of man you want to be. Dig?


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## Mrs. T

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


Unfortunatley some women don't recognise when the pot of gold has landed in their lap...I have such a man as you've described and I try to do things to make him happy and to never take for granted the things he does. When both partners are making an effort a marriage can be very happy.


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## Mavash.

Mrs. T said:


> Unfortunatley some women don't recognise when the pot of gold has landed in their lap...I have such a man as you've described and I try to do things to make him happy and to never take for granted the things he does. When both partners are making an effort a marriage can be very happy.


I agree. I hear too many women complain about their husbands so since I married a guy like this too I work hard to make him happy and to not take him for granted. Takes effort sometimes yes but it's totally worth it.


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## DiZ

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


Sounds like the perfect man to me!


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> I would say she has abandonment issues from her childhood. She sounds Soooo like me. Clingy and the such.
> 
> Nothing will help her except therapy. but i can tell you that YOU are not the root of her aggression. YOU are not the problem. Something inside her has made her untrusting of anyone...
> 
> but, you can't fix her, that's all on her. However, you CAN help yourself...
> 
> Google "abandonment issues signs, etc" and you may see this is your wife. I was in denial of my issues until i googled it and it was SPOT ON to my reality.


I don't know how she would feel abandoned when her family(mother, aunt & uncle, and grandparents)all spoil her rotten & always have, and that's one of her issues is that she always has to get her way because that's what she has always gotten away with.


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## okeydokie

Cee Paul said:


> Oh trust me at 6'3 and 240 lbs with a bad temper there's not too many people that ever try and get in my way.


we sound very similar, except i'm 6'5" 260 

i have had the same questions as your original post, i just dont get it. the only way i have explained it is i dont think my wife knows what she wants, that is to say she isnt ever satisfied


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## Cee Paul

okeydokie said:


> we sound very similar, except i'm 6'5" 260
> 
> i have had the same questions as your original post, i just dont get it. the only way i have explained it is i dont think my wife knows what she wants, that is to say she isnt ever satisfied


Trust me I am basing my comparisons of the things I do in my marriage with stories I have seen and heard with other men in my family, friends of mine, neighbors, co-workers, etc. and what they all do in their households. And only a small handful of them are willing to go that extra mile in helping out like I do, but I will say a lot of them are good handy men around the house who can fix a lot of things whereas I am horrible at that part. But none the less my wife still treats me like I am some shlub that hangs out at the bars 3-4 nights a week, and then plants my azz on the couch watching tv and napping the rest of the time, when I am not even within 100 miles of being "that guy".


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## La Rose Noire

Cee Paul said:


> Oh trust me at 6'3 and 240 lbs with a bad temper there's not too many people that ever try and get in my way.


Your list is officially null and void.


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## Cee Paul

La Rose Noire said:


> Your list is officially null and void.


Maybe to _you_ it is..........


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## Cee Paul

And for the record this is not a "toot my own horn" thread by no means, because most of this stuff is _supposed_ to be done as equal partners anyway. But when I am putting in a good or great effort but feeling very un-appreciated I'm going to get pissed off and say something, and usually when I do it boils over into a terrible arguement where more & more ugly things get said! And before anyone can make this suggestion I wanna say that yessssss I always try calmly & nicely _talking_ to her first..................before blowing my stack because she wouldn't listen.


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## lovejoy

Well, I think if I had a man having all the qualities mentioned above, I'd be happy I guess. But I also do not despise the angry man generally. It depends on whether it is justified or not.
More importantly however - I think it is necessary to "not take all that for granted". I mean, sometimes people do not see how valuable someone is until he or she is gone - I guess many people might have these qualities to a certain extent, but others only look at their mistakes and do not see the good things.


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## Cee Paul

lovejoy said:


> Well, I think if I had a man having all the qualities mentioned above, I'd be happy I guess. But I also do not despise the angry man generally. It depends on whether it is justified or not.
> More importantly however - I think it is necessary to "not take all that for granted". I mean, sometimes people do not see how valuable someone is until he or she is gone - I guess many people might have these qualities to a certain extent, but others only look at their mistakes and do not see the good things.


During some of our many arguements I have blurted out "well maybe there is someone else out there that WILL appreciate all that I do", and when I get mad I usually speak from the heart on how I'm feeling on the inside at that particular time or I let something I've been carrying around - OUT.


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## that_girl

You said her mom, aunt, uncle, grandparents.

Where's her FATHER?!

I swear, so many women have daddy issues. i was one of them.


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> You said her mom, aunt, uncle, grandparents.
> 
> Where's her FATHER?!
> 
> I swear, so many women have daddy issues. i was one of them.


Her father passed away a few years before we met, and from what I have heard through her and the family grapevine she was daddy's little princess as well.


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## that_girl

Hmm.. maybe the death left her feeling abandoned?


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> Hmm.. maybe the death left her feeling abandoned?


Oh she misses her dad just like I miss my mom(who died from brain cancer), but that's still noooo excuse to treat each other like sh*t over it and expect to stay married.


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## Jellybeans

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


Yep. And I hope he's empathetic and a good communicator, too.


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## Cee Paul

Jellybeans said:


> Yep. And I hope he's empathetic and a good communicator, too.


I try to be those as well Jellybeans but I'm not perfect of course, but sometimes it feels like that no matter what I do or how much effort I put in that it all goes un-noticed and unappreciated.


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## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> I try to be those as well Jellybeans but I'm not perfect of course, but sometimes it feels like that no matter what I do or how much effort I put in that it all goes un-noticed and unappreciated.


Boundaries, self-worth, self-respect.

Easier to stay in what you know than make necessary changes and take a hard look at yourself. Maybe it's time to stop with the sad face and start making changes for yourself - as in your behavior. Others around you will need to adjust but it becomes about what behavior you expect from yourself and others. Dig?


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## Cee Paul

heartsbeating said:


> Boundaries, self-worth, self-respect.
> 
> Easier to stay in what you know than make necessary changes and taking a hard look at yourself. Maybe it's time to stop with the sad face and start making changes for yourself.


I am the king of looking in the mirror and having long talks with myself about what I need to improve on, but just when I think I've come up with a better way of approaching her we end up in a screaming match somehow.


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## that_girl

It is no excuse, FOR SURE. But it's a defense mechanism. It's like, don't get to close to someone you love because they will leave.


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## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> I am the king of looking in the mirror and having long talks with myself about what I need to improve on, but just when I think I've come up with a better way of approaching her we end up in a screaming match somehow.


It's not about a different way of approaching _her_ though, in my eyes, it's about changing _your_ behavior and inadvertently her behavior will need to adjust accordingly. The focus is on you not her. You end up in a screaming match "somehow" - it's not just somehow though is it? That's a cop-out of taking responsibility of yourself. I think adjusting behavior for yourself, if you actually have the desire to, needs willingness and taking responsibility for your behavior. It's not easy and requires persistence and it's a continual observation.


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## that_girl

Stop approaching her. Change yourself and work on you. She could follow suit. 

I had to change. I had to stop my craziness. I didn't worry so much about what he was doing...just had to work on me and my demeanor.


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## that_girl

Work on you with NO expectations for her to change. That's where it gets good and authentic. Change for you to be a better man/husband and see what happens. No expectations. She is who she is right now. You have to show her who you can be--- consistently.


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## heartsbeating

that_girl said:


> Stop approaching her. Change yourself and work on you. She could follow suit.
> 
> I had to change. I had to stop my craziness. I didn't worry so much about what he was doing...just had to work on me and my demeanor.


we must have been typing at the same time. That's what I just said but you had it down in three short sentences lol.


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## that_girl

Hit it and quit it  That's my motto. :lol:


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> Work on you with NO expectations for her to change. That's where it gets good and authentic. Change for you to be a better man/husband and see what happens. No expectations. She is who she is right now. You have to show her who you can be--- consistently.


True, but it's kind of like that old example where there's a bucket of crabs and when one starts to crawl it's way out to the top, one of the others pulls it right back down. That's how I feel a lot of times in this marriage where I am trying to change and do the right things, but then I allow her to bait me or suck me back into my old behavior.


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## that_girl

Well, that's your own problem. Not hers. YOU have to be the change. YOU have to change. If you fall back into the old ways, you aren't changing, you're playing a game of manipulation.

YES, you'll need to get raw and vulnerable. But that's the risk. I know, I've been there. My husband swore up and down he'd never move home. He's been home almost 10 months now. going strong. My behaviour didn't go back to how i was, because I changed.


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## that_girl

If you know her game, then stop playing. Make that choice. be in control.


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## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> True, but it's kind of like that old example where there's a bucket of crabs and when one starts to crawl it's way out to the top, one of the others pulls it right back down. That's how I feel a lot of times in this marriage where I am trying to change and do the right things, but then *I allow* her to bait me or suck me back into my old behavior.


Exactly. YOU allow it. 

Take responsibility.


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## heartsbeating

I have moments with my behavior where I can almost feel myself "slipping" back into old habits, because it's what I've known and that becomes comfortable and easier....... mentally I have to stop and take responsibility for myself. And what you truly discover about yourself when you start making changes is completely worthwhile.


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## that_girl

It sounds, to me, that you don't want to change. You want HER to change and that simply isn't going to happen. You pretend to change but when she doesn't buy it (because she sees it's insincere), you get upset and revert to the old ways. noooo...steady and consistent. Keep your cool.. Don't give in and watch her step back and say "wtf"? I had a few of those moment with Hubs. Things would come up and he'd expect my typical reaction and I'd do the opposite and the look I'd get from him was priceless. Over time, he believed my change.

You can only control yourself.


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## Zippy the chimp

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


I do all those things and much more and you know what if it's not her love language than it is missing the mark. Men seem like they are acts of service and physical touch, women are words of affirmation and physical touch, you could hang the moon so to speak and it wouldn't be enough if you are not speaking her language.
Something else "The quality of a service is lessened after its been completed" in other words after you a preform a service for someone the importance of the service is less than when it needed to be done(use this in my business all the time). maybe if you and her completed some of these chores together she might just see how much you do for her.


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> It sounds, to me, that you don't want to change. You want HER to change and that simply isn't going to happen. You pretend to change but when she doesn't buy it (because she sees it's insincere), you get upset and revert to the old ways. noooo...steady and consistent. Keep your cool.. Don't give in and watch her step back and say "wtf"? I had a few of those moment with Hubs. Things would come up and he'd expect my typical reaction and I'd do the opposite and the look I'd get from him was priceless. Over time, he believed my change.
> 
> You can only control yourself.


Nooooooo - I am wanting us to change TOGETHER to save this marriage. And it's kind of like back when I was using drugs and decided to clean up but was still hanging around the same people, and although they said they respected my decision they continued doing them in front of me and occasionally offered me some. I had to eventually GET AWAY from them in order to get myself back to a better place and stay clean, and so if we eventually don't make changes TOGETHER then it will probably be best.........to leave.


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## that_girl

You won't change together. She won't change because she won't. YOU change and lead her to follow.

And Chimp has a good point--- do you know her love language? Hubs and I learned ours and it made a HUGE difference.


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## somethingelse

my advice...if you are who you say you are, you should be that 100% of the time. Despite what she does to make you angry or hurt (and by the sounds of who you say you are, you would be hurt). But by acting out in aggression and letting go of the man you want to be, you are only hurting yourself. Because it affirms her own beliefs about you, and you will be left with no credibility. Do you know if she is holding a grudge against you for something possibly?


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> You won't change together. She won't change because she won't. YOU change and lead her to follow.
> 
> And Chimp has a good point--- do you know her love language? Hubs and I learned ours and it made a HUGE difference.


I will never fully understand women and I know that; but I do have two marriages and three other relationships/girlfriends, as well as growing up with three sisters(2 older & 1 younger) to all draw from, and that helps me pickup on certain things here & there. So yes I do understand her "languages" and I am not just some caveman that walks around grunting and demanding things - lol.


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## that_girl

I had 2 long relationships, a marriage, friendships, etc...and had no idea about love languages.

Why are you so stubborn to learn? holy crap.


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## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> I had 2 long relationships, a marriage, friendships, etc...and had no idea about love languages.
> 
> Why are you so stubborn to learn? holy crap.


I learn new stuff everyday - about myself, about her, and about a lot of people around me, and it's not something I ever close my mind to. Why the heck do you think I originally joined this place.........to _gather_ information(because my marriage is in trouble).


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## that_girl

Then stop fighting everything! LOL! Look, she isn't going to change with you--- just change for yourself.

Learn her love language. Yes, I know you know it all already, but honestly, take the quiz and learn it.

It may surprise you.


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## Cee Paul

Unhappy2011 said:


> Your wife makes more money than you right and looks down on you for it.
> 
> She needs to get over herself.


It's more like she's mad that I haven't furthered my career the past 5 years even though I'm happy with what I'm doing.


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## livelaughlovenow

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


All of those things are nice but without a deep sense of love, affection, desire and romance, they are just living together and having sex. Just my opinion but anyone can list their good qualities, but we all have out not so good ones too, think about those, and post a post with all of them together and ask the same question.


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## Cee Paul

livelaughlovenow said:


> All of those things are nice but without a deep sense of love, affection, desire and romance, they are just living together and having sex. Just my opinion but anyone can list their good qualities, but we all have out not so good ones too, think about those, and post a post with all of them together and ask the same question.


This all spawned from me constantly being accused of not doing enough as far as pitching in, even though I have heard many many stories from many different women that their men stay out late with the fellas and don't do half of the things on that list. But my wife seems to think that she has got it sooooo bad with me, and although I have my faults and things to work on I still feel that I contribute quite a bit. I'm just starting to feel and starting to wonder if there's another woman out there who would appreciate me a lot more and be satisfied with what I am putting into this marriage.


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## somethingelse

Cee Paul said:


> This all spawned from me constantly being accused of not doing enough as far as pitching in, even though I have heard many many stories from many different women that their men stay out late with the fellas and don't do half of the things on that list. But my wife seems to think that she has got it sooooo bad with me, and although I have my faults and things to work on I still feel that I contribute quite a bit. I'm just starting to feel and starting to wonder if there's another woman out there who would appreciate me a lot more and be satisfied with what I am putting into this marriage.


Could you try and see what happens if you do what she wants? Do the whole, be around her 24/7 (really) along with the good things you've been doing already? and see what happens..See if that's what will make her happy? If it doesn't then you would know that there's obviously way deeper issues. Try it over a few weeks. But be sure not to point out what you're experiment is. If she doesn't seem to be satisfied, then maybe start from square one again.


----------



## that_girl

Cee Paul said:


> It's more like she's mad that I haven't furthered my career the past 5 years even though I'm happy with what I'm doing.


That's a stupid reason for her to be upset. Happiness is worth more than money, imo. I could easily take classes to up my career..but then I'd be away from home/family more and miss out because I'm studying, etc. not worth it to me.

At least you have a career you enjoy. That's important.


----------



## Enchantment

Cee Paul said:


> This all spawned from me constantly being accused of not doing enough as far as pitching in, even though I have heard many many stories from many different women that their men stay out late with the fellas and don't do half of the things on that list. But my wife seems to think that she has got it sooooo bad with me, and although I have my faults and things to work on I still feel that I contribute quite a bit. I'm just starting to feel and starting to wonder if there's another woman out there who would appreciate me a lot more and be satisfied with what I am putting into this marriage.


Hi Cee ~

I think the important thing is to find out what makes YOUR wife tick. Everyone is unique - and what is important to me might not mean diddly to your wife. 

Yep, the things you listed on the first page are a great start. I also like a good sense of humor, confidence, a man who has a sense of purpose in his life, and a drive and motivation to accomplish things. 

Have you and your wife ever sat down together and looked at what is important to each of you, ala the "5 love languages' quiz or the His Needs, Her Needs Emotional Needs questionnaire? Maybe it will help clarify for both of you the areas that are of most import to your spouse, and you could each work on the areas where you may be lacking.

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

We did these together and both of us found out some surprises about the other. It was worthwhile for us anyway.

And, it's human nature to think that the 'grass is greener', but know that any other woman is going to mesh with you in some areas and not in others. You still would have to work to meet that person's needs - no resting on your laurels, Cee! 

Best wishes!


----------



## Cee Paul

somethingelse said:


> Could you try and see what happens if you do what she wants? Do the whole, be around her 24/7 (really) along with the good things you've been doing already? and see what happens..See if that's what will make her happy? If it doesn't then you would know that there's obviously way deeper issues. Try it over a few weeks. But be sure not to point out what you're experiment is. If she doesn't seem to be satisfied, then maybe start from square one again.


If you re-read the top original post is said that I "DO" hang around 24/7 because she would get pissy with me if I didn't.


----------



## working_together

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


As Pit Bull says......"Uh Yes"....

We need more men like you....


----------



## somethingelse

Cee Paul said:


> If you re-read the top original post is said that I "DO" hang around 24/7 because she would get pissy with me if I didn't.


ahh...I see...well then, I guess it's back to square one!


----------



## Numb in Ohio

Cee Paul said:


> It's more like she's mad that I haven't furthered my career the past 5 years even though I'm happy with what I'm doing.



If it ain't broke don't fix it...


----------



## Cee Paul

numb in ohio said:


> if it ain't broke don't fix it...


amen!


----------



## Cee Paul

Sounds like you are verrrrrry demanding then Abra and your man has to be pretty darn PERFECT or else; good luck with that.


----------



## that_girl

Wow. I didn't get that at all. She just didn't like your list. Not everyone has to like your list. You asked if we women would be happy with that, and she said no. Geebus.


----------



## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> Wow. I didn't get that at all. She just didn't like your list. Not everyone has to like your list. You asked if we women would be happy with that, and she said no. Geebus.


Was just giving my honest opinion in return That_Girl.


----------



## that_girl

I guess...I just didn't see her as demanding. Obviously her expectations are working out...her husband thinks like she does


----------



## deejov

Some people have that mindset. It could always be better, couldn't it? Trouble is, you are missing what's right in front of you while you are wishing life away.

If you are doing your best and are happy, be proud of that. 
In the economy, keeping your job for the past 5 years is an accomplishment. 

Your list is awesome.


----------



## Cee Paul

deejov said:


> Some people have that mindset. It could always be better, couldn't it? Trouble is, you are missing what's right in front of you while you are wishing life away.
> 
> If you are doing your best and are happy, be proud of that.
> In the economy, keeping your job for the past 5 years is an accomplishment.
> 
> Your list is awesome.


There's a guy I know(who's 58 yrs old now)who was married for 9 years and was completely MISERABLE when that ended in divorce, but since then he has been re-married for 22 years to what he describes as his "perfect soul mate" and is very happy now. So I am just wondering if this is the situation I may be in as well is all I'm saying.


----------



## DTO

Unhappy2011 said:


> Whats the difference?


The difference is the income level.

She might not be happy with merely comfortable and want the luxury car or the home with a view. Some women want that and are oblivious or don't care what it takes to provide even a solid middle-class lifestyle.

If that is the problem Cee Paul, then on this front you need to be firm (so long as you guys are at least comfortable now). The problem is two-fold. First, you will be unhappier at work if you don't want to move up. You will be working more hours at a job you don't like and may not be as good at as your current one.

Second (and this one I learned the hard way) monetary wants are never satisfied and will ramp up as your income increases. There are always more wants than resources to satisfy those wants (unless you are Larry Ellison). Let's say your wife complains that you don't have ABC now, so you bust your butt and get a better job. Well now she has ABC but complains that she does not have XYZ. What will you do then?

You are much better off putting your foot down and saying "I do my part around the home, am happy at work, bring home enough to have a comfortable life, and I'm not going to scramble for more money to have this issue again in the future".


----------



## DTO

Cee Paul said:


> During some of our many arguements I have blurted out "well maybe there is someone else out there that WILL appreciate all that I do", and when I get mad I usually speak from the heart on how I'm feeling on the inside at that particular time or I let something I've been carrying around - OUT.


Yeah, but victim pukes (an NMMNG term) have no weight. All it does is make you seem petulant and puts her on the defensive. Plus, you threaten over and over and it becomes empty.

Don't let things escalate. You already know that she knows what sets you off and that she will push those buttons. Have a standard answer:

"I like my job and bring home plenty for a nice life."
"I pull my weight around here - at least."
And so on.

Refuse to engage any time she seems to be trying to get a rise out of you. I used to either walk away, STFU, or drone "yes dear" when my ex would put me down or barrage me with a complaint or show of unappreciativeness. Eventually she knew she could not get a rise out of me and stopped (and either asked nice or did what she wanted done herself).

Respect - demand it and deserve it.


----------



## DTO

that_girl said:


> You won't change together. She won't change because she won't. YOU change and lead her to follow.


That's exactly right. And, because you are changing for you, with no expectation of change from her, you need to make changes that reflect the genuine you. Otherwise, it will not last.

Another thing you need to know is that this process of change might not save the marriage. It is very possible that as you work on respecting yourself more and not taking her crap, she might decide that you are not worth having if she cannot mold you into the guy she wants.

This is exactly what happened to me. My ex had been riding my a$$ for a very long time while giving little back and I chose to indulge her to an extent to maintain harmony in the home (having a child with an ultimately fatal illness).

When the time was right I chose to do my thing. I kept up the home, took excellent care of my daughter, accomodated my wife in a manner beyond what she did for me but consistent with what I could maintain. But at the same time I changed for the better for me, refused to be sucked into b.s., stood my ground, and made it clear I would be fine without her.

She gained much respect for me, and actually tried harder herself, but in the end admitted she felt the effort needed to maintain the marriage was not worth the benefit. In other words, if she had to pull her weight and treat me as her equal, she might as well be single and play the field.

So, improve yourself but know that it is about you. You need to accept that she may indeed like you better and the marriage is improved, but at the same time she might want to control you and once that control is gone so is she.


----------



## DTO

somethingelse said:


> Could you try and see what happens if you do what she wants? Do the whole, be around her 24/7 (really) along with the good things you've been doing already? and see what happens..See if that's what will make her happy? If it doesn't then you would know that there's obviously way deeper issues. Try it over a few weeks. But be sure not to point out what you're experiment is. If she doesn't seem to be satisfied, then maybe start from square one again.


Disagree. The goal is to get her to appreciate him for a reasonable level of effort and consideration.

If she is clingy and has anxiety, how is this going to help her with those issues? Or, if she is simply selfish / narcissistic and demands to be the center of attention, then won't he just be validating her demands? What will happen when after those few weeks when he stops the experiment and goes back to a baseline level of interaction?


----------



## DTO

Cee Paul said:


> Was just giving my honest opinion in return That_Girl.


yeah, I got a whiff of what you saw Cee Paul. The line about not wanting a gift simply because he had put her birthday in his Blackberry rubbed me the wrong way.


----------



## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> There's a guy I know(who's 58 yrs old now)who was married for 9 years and was completely MISERABLE when that ended in divorce, but since then he has been re-married for 22 years to what he describes as his "perfect soul mate" and is very happy now. *So I am just wondering if this is the situation I may be in as well is all I'm saying.*


I'm quoting deejov's words back to you: _Some people have that mindset. It could always be better, couldn't it? Trouble is, you are missing what's right in front of you while you are wishing life away._

If your marriage needs help, make changes - let them be honest and real changes for yourself. Turn the energy and focus back to your marriage and to yourself, as I've already suggested in this thread. Chances are you'll learn a hell of a lot. Change isn't easy. It's uncomfortable, challenging, and requires you to observe, embrace and let go of various aspects of the self you have become. 

Are you still in love with your wife?


----------



## Cee Paul

heartsbeating said:


> I'm quoting deejov's words back to you: _Some people have that mindset. It could always be better, couldn't it? Trouble is, you are missing what's right in front of you while you are wishing life away._
> 
> If your marriage needs help, make changes - let them be honest and real changes for yourself. Turn the energy and focus back to your marriage and to yourself, as I've already suggested in this thread. Chances are you'll learn a hell of a lot. Change isn't easy. It's uncomfortable, challenging, and requires you to observe, embrace and let go of various aspects of the self you have become.
> 
> Are you still in love with your wife?


To be 100% honest "in love" - no, but do I still "love" her - YES.


----------



## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> To be 100% honest "in love" - no, but do I still "love" her - YES.


Is it possible your train of thought of "perhaps the grass is greener" is enabling you to focus on the negative aspects of your relationship and taking a somewhat victim stance and "what's in it for me" mentality? .....and feeling "out of love" as a result?

Rather than having a more balanced view of considering the positives, taking responsibility for your part in the unhealthy dynamics that are present, and considering the needs that are most likely lacking for both of you?


----------



## somethingelse

DTO said:


> Disagree. The goal is to get her to appreciate him for a reasonable level of effort and consideration.
> 
> If she is clingy and has anxiety, how is this going to help her with those issues? Or, if she is simply selfish / narcissistic and demands to be the center of attention, then won't he just be validating her demands? What will happen when after those few weeks when he stops the experiment and goes back to a baseline level of interaction?


You are absolutely right....

When I wrote that I didn't read what he said about how he does spend 24/7 around her already. So I suggested it thinking that he could validate for himself that she has big issues.


----------



## Cee Paul

heartsbeating said:


> Is it possible your train of thought of "perhaps the grass is greener" is enabling you to focus on the negative aspects of your relationship and taking a somewhat victim stance and "what's in it for me" mentality? .....and feeling "out of love" as a result?
> 
> Rather than having a more balanced view of considering the positives, taking responsibility for your part in the unhealthy dynamics that are present, and considering the needs that are most likely lacking for both of you?


Or is it possible that because soooooo many ugly and insulting things have been said back and forth by both of us the past few years, that we don't feel the same way about each other or as close as we first did. Sometimes in life Heartsbeating things just......are what they are.


----------



## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> Or is it possible that because soooooo many ugly and insulting things have been said back and forth by both of us the past few years, that we don't feel the same way about each other or as close as we first did. Sometimes in life Heartsbeating things just......are what they are.


You need to do what you feel is right.

I don't believe in staying in a relationship, just because. No. Please don't think I mean that. Sometimes people are better off apart and cutting their losses. Sometimes the people involved have allowed the disconnect to become too big, and it's hard to find a way back to being on the same page again. And maybe they have changed, maybe they are better off apart when that distance is too great between them. In most scenarios though, I don't believe it just happens organically to things being "what they are" ....it's likely a creeping of cracks that emerged to get to that point.

In saying that, sometimes we can have one foot out the door and just need a different perspective, to pull ourselves out of the current mindset and start making changing for OURSELVES. Sometimes that can help reset the relationship and actually make it stronger. Whether it does or not, it's a heck of a way to learn more about yourself. 

You really sound on the edge with your marriage. Do you want to stay with her? Do you know how she feels from her perspective? I don't mean what you have already mentioned, regarding your career or that you feel she doesn't appreciate you; I mean overall in regards to the marriage.


----------



## heartsbeating

Enchantment said:


> And, it's human nature to think that the 'grass is greener', but know that any other woman is going to mesh with you in some areas and not in others. You still would have to work to meet that person's needs - no resting on your laurels, Cee!


:iagree:


----------



## Cee Paul

heartsbeating said:


> You need to do what you feel is right.
> 
> I don't believe in staying in a relationship, just because. No. Please don't think I mean that. Sometimes people are better off apart and cutting their losses. Sometimes the people involved have allowed the disconnect to become too big, and it's hard to find a way back to being on the same page again. And maybe they have changed, maybe they are better off apart when that distance is too great between them. In most scenarios though, I don't believe it just happens organically to things being "what they are" ....it's likely a creeping of cracks that emerged to get to that point.
> 
> In saying that, sometimes we can have one foot out the door and just need a different perspective, to pull ourselves out of the current mindset and start making changing for OURSELVES. Sometimes that can help reset the relationship and actually make it stronger. Whether it does or not, it's a heck of a way to learn more about yourself.
> 
> You really sound on the edge with your marriage. Do you want to stay with her? Do you know how she feels from her perspective? I don't mean what you have already mentioned, regarding your career or that you feel she doesn't appreciate you; I mean overall in regards to the marriage.


I just wanna get back to the way it was in the beginning because it was pretty darn nice & a good situation; but over the years I think the both of us have changed in good ways and a lot of bad ones too, and during some stressful times we both dicovered we don't work together very well in those situations & we've allowed division and resentment to set in.

If this journey of ours were a forest, it just seems like a loooooong ways back to where we first entered in where there was plenty of sunshine - fresh air - and fresh berries everywhere(now it's kind of dark, smoggy, with spoiled fruit on the ground).


----------



## heartsbeating

Cee Paul said:


> I just wanna get back to the way it was in the beginning because it was pretty darn nice & a good situation; but over the years I think the both of us have changed in good ways and a lot of bad ones too, and during some stressful times we both dicovered we don't work together very well in those situations & we've allowed division and resentment to set in.
> 
> If this journey of ours were a forest, it just seems like a loooooong ways back to where we first entered in where there was plenty of sunshine - fresh air - and fresh berries everywhere(now it's kind of dark, smoggy, with spoiled fruit on the ground).


If you consider the spoiled fruit on the ground can help nourish other things - the soil and insects - (I'm hopeless with metaphors!) that dark place can help you see what you _do_ want, who you do want to be, how you want your relationship; it can actually help bring the desire to change and find your way out of that dark, smoggy place. I don't mean necessarily to find your way out of the relationship though. You will need to change and own your part in the dynamic that lead you to the dark place. And recognize there's ebbs and flows with everything. The fact that you have that yearning to have that feeling again with her (if you indeed do?), might just be enough for you to start bringing about necessary changes. 

Remember too, that relationships do change and hopefully evolve, from their origin. As much as I love romance, I do feel that 'romantic love' is in an illusion. To me it's a bonus and an expression...... but there's more to the every day of life with someone. It's my thought that the 'grass is greener' scenarios are usually focused on that illusion of romantic love. Your relationship, your behaviors have contributed to reaching this point. It sounds like now is the time for you to really consider what it is you want. If you want to make positive changes for yourself, and likely your marriage, start making the conscious decisions to alter your behavior. And if there's to be a reset between you, having an awareness of your needs and love languages will be helpful.

It's day to day, step at a time. Whether it's with your wife or not, there will be lessons for you in this.


----------



## heartsbeating

I think there's been a lot of good pointers to you in this thread - self-respect, boundaries, leading the changed behavior, love languages, discovering and meeting each others needs........ but it comes down to you. 

And if you have the desire to change your behaviors for yourself.


----------



## sisters359

I've only read the first page, but if all this "good stuff" co-exists with an otherwise angry, unhappy person who is verbally or emotionally abusive, well, I can do most of the stuff you list myself, and without the abuse. I don't know enough to respond directly to your situation, but wanted to point out that your list sounds pretty one sided and "too good to be true," so I'm responding as I have. Good luck.


----------



## Cee Paul

Abra said:


> Can you recreate some of the early days together? Sometimes remembering where you started and the reasons that you fell in love refreshes things. If not that, can you each make out lists of things you enjoy, used to enjoy, or would love to try together and take turns working through each other's list?
> 
> It seems like you're unhappy with the way it is and unhappy with the prospect of leaving. So, what do you think would have to happen in the marriage in order for you to feel happier and more satisfied?


I even went as far as this past Christmas one of the gifts I gave her was a professional dvd I paid $30 to have done, that had a 4 minute slide show of all the great things and fun times we've had together using a ton of photos, and it was put to music using the song that was our first dance at our wedding. I did this to spark up good memories and try and create a rekindling process between us, but it did not work all that well and I even think we argued loudly about something the very next day.


----------



## Trenton

Cee P, when you do good things you can't be doing them for the credit or adoration they bring you. This holds true in life and in love.


----------



## Cee Paul

Trenton said:


> Cee P, when you do good things you can't be doing them for the credit or adoration they bring you. This holds true in life and in love.



Nooooo - really (lol).


----------



## Cee Paul

sisters359 said:


> I've only read the first page, but if all this "good stuff" co-exists with an otherwise angry, unhappy person who is verbally or emotionally abusive, well, I can do most of the stuff you list myself, and without the abuse. I don't know enough to respond directly to your situation, but wanted to point out that your list sounds pretty one sided and "too good to be true," so I'm responding as I have. Good luck.


I've already stated a few times that those are things spouses are SUPPOSED to be doing but a lot of them aren't, and that when my wife starts accusing me of not contributing anything around the house that it pisses me off because I DO help her with all of those tasks every single week.


----------



## that_girl

Yes, but abuse washes all the good things away. One bad word cancels out 10 good words.


----------



## DiZ

Abra said:


> Can you recreate some of the early days together? Sometimes remembering where you started and the reasons that you fell in love refreshes things. If not that, can you each make out lists of things you enjoy, used to enjoy, or would love to try together and take turns working through each other's list?
> 
> It seems like you're unhappy with the way it is and unhappy with the prospect of leaving. So, what do you think would have to happen in the marriage in order for you to feel happier and more satisfied?


That even makes me more sad. Sometimes I feel like he misrepresented himself at the beginning. He was nothing like he is now. Oh I know one does the best foot forward thing when you first meet, but this was excessive.

Then when he got me he lost his job and part of his sight due to retina issues. I understand that would change someone.


----------



## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> Yes, but abuse washes all the good things away. One bad word cancels out 10 good words.


I keep seeing the words "abuse" when 99% of the time it's a _mutual_ arguement where I am being called some very ugly things too, and we BOTH have bad tempers and I've watched my wife throw and break a few things too. So it's not like she is huddled in the corner shivering while I am screaming obscenities at her, because my wife can hang with the best of them during a heated moment and some of the things that come out of her mouth would make a hardcore biker blush.


----------



## BeachGuy

Cee Paul said:


> Well those are my qualities and are all the things that I do in the marriage, and those hateful words by me that_girl only started taking place about 2-3 years ago after I started to feel unappreciated and disrespected by her.
> 
> And with all the things I just listed, she still makes me feel like those are all petty and it's what every husband is out there doing which is so untrue.


Dang dude....you and I are twins. Except I'm only 5' 10". Lol. I do all those things you mentioned too and was never shown any appreciation other than a pat on the back and a "thank you".

Sorry bro.


----------



## that_girl

Then you both cancel each other out.

Do you want to change or just talk about it? It just seems like you don't give a crap, really, about the advice given.


----------



## Cee Paul

that_girl said:


> Then you both cancel each other out.
> 
> Do you want to change or just talk about it? It just seems like you don't give a crap, really, about the advice given.


You have no idea what I do and what I apply when I sign off of here That_Girl, so just relax.


----------



## chillymorn

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


to beta she wants you to take the lead and be more decisive and agressive in you marriage.

what the hell dose she bring to the marriage after looking at the list you wrote she has it pretty domn good


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


I have a man like this and i can tell you I am very satisfied. Everyone has their flaws and issues but I'm the happiest,most content,and most satisfied I've ever been.


----------



## FirstYearDown

I think people confuse being "beta" with just being a decent man.

My husband dotes on me and treats me well, but he does not put up with any crap.


----------



## Cee Paul

This song and lyrics by Marc Anthony really nails it on the head on how I'm feeling in my marriage right now:


_*"Am I The Only One"
(Marc Anthony)


Days have passed
And still no sign of us
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me
This blinding silence
Lives in every room

Of what once was a happy home
Now we’re sitting here all alone
Could this be that it was all a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye

{Chorus:}

Am I the only one
Who sees what we’ve become
I see no sense in going on
Or asking what went wrong
We sit and stare at what could be
We both just grew apart you see
And through no fault of our own
It’s our house but not a home
It’s strange to know
There’s truth in what I say
Baby, I know you feel the same
and the truth is
No one’s to blame
Two lonely dreamers
Playing by the rules
All we thought of
Was me and you
Now we’re faced
With a simple truth
I’d love to say that this is all a lie
But that just means I’m scared to say good-bye

{Repeat Chorus}

Could this be that it was a lie
And we’re just afraid to say good-bye

{Repeat Chorus}

Days have passed
And still no sign of us
Not a hint of what used to be
When you lived in that part of me*_

(The actual song & video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqXHbEPJSy0


----------



## cloudwithleggs

Cee Paul said:


> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.


that is actually a red flag to me, you can spend to much time with someone and friends are important.


----------



## Cee Paul

cloudwithleggs said:


> that is actually a red flag to me, you can spend to much time with someone and friends are important.


Maybe a red flag on her part because I would very much LIKE to be off somewhere with my friends having a good time, but I know how she feels about it so I have cut waaaaay down on all that type stuff.


----------



## okeydokie

Cee Paul said:


> This song and lyrics by Marc Anthony really nails it on the head on how I'm feeling in my marriage right now:
> 
> 
> _*"Am I The Only One"
> (Marc Anthony)
> 
> 
> Days have passed
> And still no sign of us
> Not a hint of what used to be
> When you lived in that part of me
> This blinding silence
> Lives in every room
> 
> Of what once was a happy home
> Now we’re sitting here all alone
> Could this be that it was all a lie
> And we’re just afraid to say good-bye
> 
> {Chorus:}
> 
> Am I the only one
> Who sees what we’ve become
> I see no sense in going on
> Or asking what went wrong
> We sit and stare at what could be
> We both just grew apart you see
> And through no fault of our own
> It’s our house but not a home
> It’s strange to know
> There’s truth in what I say
> Baby, I know you feel the same
> and the truth is
> No one’s to blame
> Two lonely dreamers
> Playing by the rules
> All we thought of
> Was me and you
> Now we’re faced
> With a simple truth
> I’d love to say that this is all a lie
> But that just means I’m scared to say good-bye
> 
> {Repeat Chorus}
> 
> Could this be that it was a lie
> And we’re just afraid to say good-bye
> 
> {Repeat Chorus}
> 
> Days have passed
> And still no sign of us
> Not a hint of what used to be
> When you lived in that part of me*_
> 
> (The actual song & video)
> am i the only one (marc anthony) - YouTube


i never thought mark anthony and I would ever have anything in common. those lyrics pierce to the bone for me


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## Cee Paul

okeydokie said:


> i never thought mark anthony and I would ever have anything in common. those lyrics pierce to the bone for me


I am a fan of his music and after hearing this song a few times a light went on and I thought - "heyyy that's exactly what is going on in my marriage and my house", and since he's been married and divorced three times(most recently from J-Lo)there's no telling which part of his life this happened in.


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## SimplyAmorous

Cee Paul said:


> ......would you be satisfied with a man who had these qualities going for him?
> 
> - has a good heart and good sense of humor.
> 
> - is good in bed and is willing to take care of your "special needs" during sex.
> 
> - not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.
> 
> - works full time and brings home a decent salary.
> 
> - is a good cook and is willing to share that load with you.
> 
> - never forgets any of the important dates(birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc).
> 
> - helps out with the laundry, vacumming, dishes, and does most of the yardwork.


 Assuming you are doing all of this with a loving spirit ...for a woman to spit on these things in this list.... (only if she works should you need to share those household chores )... she is either:

*1.* Very spoiled & she has taken you for granted...she knows you wouldn't leave her for anything, so she just carries on & gets what she wants out of life, even if you are pushed aside. No real threat there.

*2.* You are too much of a "Nice Guy" & when this happens, women slowly loose Respect...& there goes the attraction declining as welll. 

*3*. She is just a selfish woman -who wants to do her own thing...has grown bored in what you used to share together and has found other passions to fill her days. 

*4.* She is Resentful & has stuffed, and it wouldn't matter what you do at this point, until the roots of that is dug up & laid before you both , worked through & forgiven. 


Cee Paul.... What is *YOUR EDGE*...what DOES she love about you...what originally attracted her to you....your sense of Humor, your looks...your shared interests? 

I missed all the replies here... but I bet many are saying you are a NICE GUY, too Beta...... 

I , too, took my husband for granted for a time... he really was a sucker for letting me do this though... It sounds awful to say...but for some of us......Sometimes we need a good shaking... something to threaten the relationship for us to open our eyes....I reallly feel I would have wised up a long time ago and realized what was infront of me & been a better wife even -had he NOT been so darn NICE TO ME, loving and good all of the time. He was always at my beck & call. Seriously. He needed to give me some CONFLICT .... tell me what for, stand up for what HE wanted sometimes! 

I got the NMMNG Book & he surely had some of those things going on.... funny thing with my husband is ......after we learn all of this...reading so many pages of that book together.... I ask him... "Well... would you have done things differently- not treated me so good, telling me what for?" .....He pauses, looks at me...and says..."probably not!" and tells me he wouldn't want to hurt me. That's my husband ! I just threw my hands up in the air and said ..."What am I going to do with you!". He is hopeless. But at least he is genuine. 




Cee Paul said:


> I don't know how she would feel abandoned when her family(mother, aunt & uncle, and grandparents)all spoil her rotten & always have, and that's one of her issues is that she always has to get her way because that's what she has always gotten away with.


I really feel when people have a ROUGHER -even difficult upbringing to some extent (not so much abusive)... and have to WORK hard for what they have, and earn others respect....they are more appreciative of the little things and those who are in their life, it just works that way for many... experience holds the key. It is never good to spoil our kids, I think it can even harm their future marriages . That is a shame. 

Cloudwithleggs might call this a red flag for her.... but for me... I want this in a man! Sure we have friends ....but we generally get together with them -"together"....


> not a partying type anymore and spends most of his time with you, instead of being out with friends or doing whatever.


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## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> Assuming you are doing all of this with a loving spirit ...for a woman to spit on these things in this list.... (only if she works should you need to share those household chores )... she is either:
> 
> *1.* Very spoiled & she has taken you for granted...she knows you wouldn't leave her for anything, so she just carries on & gets what she wants out of life, even if you are pushed aside. No real threat there.
> 
> *2.* You are too much of a "Nice Guy" & when this happens, women slowly loose Respect...& there goes the attraction declining as welll.
> 
> *3*. She is just a selfish woman -who wants to do her own thing...has grown bored in what you used to share together and has found other passions to fill her days.
> 
> *4.* She is Resentful & has stuffed, and it wouldn't matter what you do at this point, until the roots of that is dug up & laid before you both , worked through & forgiven.
> 
> 
> Cee Paul.... What is *YOUR EDGE*...what DOES she love about you...what originally attracted her to you....your sense of Humor, your looks...your shared interests?
> 
> I missed all the replies here... but I bet many are saying you are a NICE GUY, too Beta......
> 
> I , too, took my husband for granted for a time... he really was a sucker for letting me do this though... It sounds awful to say...but for some of us......Sometimes we need a good shaking... something to threaten the relationship for us to open our eyes....I reallly feel I would have wised up a long time ago and realized what was infront of me & been a better wife even -had he NOT been so darn NICE TO ME, loving and good all of the time. He was always at my beck & call. Seriously. He needed to give me some CONFLICT .... tell me what for, stand up for what HE wanted sometimes!
> 
> I got the NMMNG Book & he surely had some of those things going on.... funny thing with my husband is ......after we learn all of this...reading so many pages of that book together.... I ask him... "Well... would you have done things differently- not treated me so good, telling me what for?" .....He pauses, looks at me...and says..."probably not!" and tells me he wouldn't want to hurt me. That's my husband ! I just threw my hands up in the air and said ..."What am I going to do with you!". He is hopeless. But at least he is genuine.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I really feel when people have a ROUGHER -even difficult upbringing to some extent (not so much abusive)... and have to WORK hard for what they have, and earn others respect....they are more appreciative of the little things and those who are in their life, it just works that way for many... experience holds the key. It is never good to spoil our kids, I think it can even harm their future marriages . That is a shame.
> 
> Cloudwithleggs might call this a red flag for her.... but for me... I want this in a man! Sure we have friends ....but we generally get together with them -"together"....


familiar wisdom!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul

To answer some of what was said above the thing that I have mentioned before you may have missed is that she has _very extreme OCD_, so what you and I think is cleaning or doing our part she wants...........TRIPLE that and is never satisfied. But she does help me with most of these things but has us take on waaay too many projects at once, and when I say something mean or get mad about it she comes back with that "I don't do enough around the house to complain about it".


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## SimplyAmorous

Yes, I missed the Extreme OCD totally.. .. when you get into stuff like that (which I know little about)... I would imagine that is like her having an ongoing "hamster wheel" of feeling obsessive about house cleaning...?? 

So without this obsessing her mind... cleaning could be let go some, or the projects...down to the normal ebb & flow of most couples...... but to her...it is NEVER enough, no matter what you do... that is how her brain functions....This can't be easy by any means....It can't be reasoned with -as you already know .....is there meds to "calm" this obsessiveness? 

You put that song up there, it talks about "*Days have passed And still no sign of us...Not a hint of what used to be*"... so at one time ....things were beautiful... does that mean the OCD has grown worse over the yrs? Does she get any treatment. 

One of the greatest things we all can do for our marraiges is have a "sound mind" so we can hear our partner, and come half way with the issues that are tearing each other apart..... if that requires meds to come to that place... I hope she can get some help. 

I know of a couple where the husband was Bi-polar ... he was fine when on his lithium..or whatever treatment he took (?)... but when he stopped taking it - BOOM, he was off the deep edge, and yep, eventually ended his marraige, the wife couldn't deal with it. 

I think this book is a great one to describe the effects on the brain for various behaviors, the disconnect of wiring - to understand that "Hamster wheel effect" .... Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness : Books .

And for you... maybe something like this -  Loving Someone with OCD: Help for You and Your Family : Books


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## Cee Paul

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes, I missed the Extreme OCD totally.. .. when you get into stuff like that (which I know little about)... I would imagine that is like her having an ongoing "hamster wheel" of feeling obsessive about house cleaning...??
> 
> So without this obsessing her mind... cleaning could be let go some, or the projects...down to the normal ebb & flow of most couples...... but to her...it is NEVER enough, no matter what you do... that is how her brain functions....How does one live with this ...It can't be reasoned with -as you already know .....is there meds to "calm" this obsessiveness?
> 
> You put that song up there, it talks about "*Days have passed And still no sign of us...Not a hint of what used to be*"... so at one time ....things were beautiful... does that mean the OCD has grown worse over the yrs? Does she get any treatment.
> 
> One of the greatest things we all can do for our marraiges is have a "sound mind" so we can hear our partner, and come half way with the issues that are tearing each other apart..... if that requires meds to come to that place... I hope she can get some help.
> 
> I know of a couple where the husband was Bi-polar ...and he was fine when on his lithium..or whatever treatment he took (?)... but when he stopped taking it - BOOM, he was off the deep edge, and yep, eventually ended his marraige, the wife couldn't deal with it.
> 
> I think this book is a great one to describe the effects on the brain for various behaviors, the disconnect of wiring - to understand that "Hamster wheel effect" .... Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness : Books .
> 
> And for you... maybe something like this -  Loving Someone with OCD: Help for You and Your Family : Books


My first wife was bi-polar/manic depressive and now this one has extreme OCD, so I'd hate to think what a 3rd wife might have! 

And yes things were very nice the first 3-4 years but have gotten progressively worse on both our parts I guess, but just like any other married couple things are always great in the beginning and you are able to look past quite a few things, but after 7 years of marriage all of that stuff irritates you now or pisses you off.


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## bkaydezz

is he gay? HAHAH!!!! jk jk....but absolutely. ever women needs that.


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## Cee Paul

bkaydezz said:


> is he gay? HAHAH!!!! jk jk....but absolutely. ever women needs that.


My point was to show that I am putting in good contributions to this marriage, and not just some lazy Al Bundy type guy sitting on the couch with his hands in his pants drinking beers all day.


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## TMCK

With all the seemingly positive there has to be a matching negative. What's needed in every relationship is the balance of both from each other. All the good in the world doesn't matter if the bad isn't vetted.


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