# My story...Please...I need advise!!!!!!



## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

I been reading this forum for some time, but i have never posted before, but would like to get some advise to my situation...I have been with my fiance for 6 years, we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter, about 3 years ago she started hanging out with a male coworker, and spending a lot of time with him (office partys and things like that) I even met him and we all used to go out together, it came a time when i started to become a little suspicious but i trusted her and didn't make much of it, few months later she go really depressed and crying, would not tell me why until finally she gave in and told me she was having an EA with this OM. She told me it was more of a friendship and that they only kissed. I forgave her (but didnt forget) and the other OM ended up getting layoff so I was relieved that they didnt work together anymore, I also told her to break all contact with this person, they used to talk and text every day several times a day. Months went by and everything was good between us, I forgave her but i was never able to trust her fully, so i kept checking her cell records and i found out that she still talks to this OM casually and even try to help him get a job back at the same workplace, and that she didnt tell me the whole story and I came to find out that more than just a kiss happened and they had sex. When I asked her about it of course she denied it, to this day she denies having talked to him for years even though i know she has, but no physical contact.

I decided to keep working on our relationship and our trust issues but...

about 1 year ago, I saw a number on her bill that she was texting and calling a lot, I decided to dig further and found out who the guy was, I put a spyware on her cell and was able to read some of her text conversations and she was in fact having another affair with another coworker, from what i got out of the text, they had sex once and the rest has been kissing and touching and talking, I confronted her about this, without telling her how i know, and she denied everything, said she didnt talk to him everyday (when in fact she did) and that he was the one pursuing her and calling her (when i knew this not to be true), i gave her the choice of no contact with him or am walking, she cried and cried and promised me that she wouldnt and deleted the number from her cell (since I already knew it) and i made her change her cell number that way he didnt have it and stop pursuing her (as she says)

Months went by and everything seem to be going well for us, when i found out she was still talking to this person at work and talking on her cell, (he changed his number also), I dont thing they have had sex again but i know for sure that they have seen each other and kissed, and I have not told her have found out.

Now, I know pretty much everyone is going to call me and idiot and a fool (to put it lightly) for sticking by her all this time even after all this, but I do love her and i do love my family and dont want to break it apart and for some reason am hoping tha she will changed and see what she truly has and give up on her ways. She has promised me before she would change and not hurt me again but she still talks to this OM. 

Am I being foolish by hoping and waiting she will changed? or once a cheater always a cheater?

I do not trust her and find myself checking everything after her and snooping, and honestly am not happy and do not like the person am turning to but i cling to the hope that she will change.

Am i crazy for feeling like this? should i just cut my losses and know she will never changed? I have gone back and look hard and I still do not know what I did wrong.

Am devastated, and disgusted but I dont want to leave my family, is just a weird feeling and not normal. Please any thoughts or advised on anyone that has gone through this

Thanks in advance


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

You're not stupid or a fool. Everyone here has had some version of this story happen and, at some point or another, we all have wanted it to just go away and have our families back. It's human nature not to want to believe that someone who claims to love you could also consciously hurt you so much. It's human nature to want to believe that this person will change and will believe in the family as much as you.

From what I've read, sometimes that change does happen. However, if your significant other is still living in her "affair/fantasy fog", she is not thinking rationally. Hence, the reason she just went further underground with the relationship after the first time you confronted her. 

At this point, what the people on this site are probably going to suggest is that you gather as much evidence as possible, confront her, expose the affair to certain members of her family and then let her know what you won't tolerate a person who doesn't give 100% of her love and affection to you. Go to the affaircare.com website to see what they are talking about. 

good luck!


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

So far the count is two PA's of which there is no way to be sure how much sex was involved or for actually how long the affairs lasted. She thinks she has you fooled but each time she loses respect for you as well. Time to stop being afraid and confront with all the info you have. The problem I see is that she is not that committed to you and is actively looking for your replacement. She doesn't seem to be a viable longterm wife material. Just my opinion!!


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## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

but why would she still say she loves me then? am very confused as to why she would do this


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You are not married, tell her to move out. She is playing both of you, you provide her with a secure home and family and she has time to play the field. 



> but why would she still say she loves me then? am very confused as to why she would do this


Because she is a cake eater. She says the words you weaken and she controls the situation. 


Confront her , request full transparency, she leaves her job and writes a no contact letter. If she declines your requests help her pack her bags there and then, call her parents and let them know why she is leaving.

You cannot carry on like this , it is undermining you as a person and taking away your life. 

Simple, confront, she agrees to the boundaries or she leaves.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Classic cake eating. That is the hardest part to understand. In my situation, my H moved out before I knew the actual reason for the whole thing. He said we were engaged in a "trial separation", that his feelings had changed, but that he was confused and needed space. uh huh. So, about 6 weeks after he left, I told him that he wasn't really doing anything to move things in either direction and that it was just getting too hard being the only one who wanted to fight for the marriage. I told him that I would give him what he obviously wanted - a divorce. Do you know he told me no??? He said that he still considered it a "trial separation", he was still working some things through and that he planned on coming to my next counseling session with me to talk about his inability to communicate. I found out the real reason for his actions about 3 days later. When I asked the counselor why he didn't just pull the rip cord when I handed him the parachute and said I was ready to give him his freedom, she looked at me and said "what do you think he wanted"? My response - "he obviously wants her". The counselor: "No. He wanted it all." Interesting that the only time he said we should end the marriage was after I found out. Counselor says that also was some type of weird test to see what I would say or do. Now I am just leaving this whole thing alone and trying to move forward with a "Plan B", which is going into a sort of retreat to show him what divorce actually will be like. I also hired an attorney. I agree that the lying and deception and jerking us around is somehow worse than the actual cheating. ... Hang in there!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You can't succeed in a long term relationship with someone you can't trust. I know you love her, but you need to put an end to what is going on.

I suggest following the Affaircare program. This is the only way to find out if she truly loves you. This is the only way that she will respect you.


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## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

The thing that gets me is that she still talks about marriage as if there was nothing going on, she does not know that I know a lot more than she thinks. I guess I was being foolish hoping for a change, at this point I dont think I want to set any boundaries anymore because obviously that hasn't worked, I will just confront her with what I know and end the relationship. Thanks to everyone for your advise


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Morenito0211 said:


> but why would she still say she loves me then? am very confused as to why she would do this


Unfortunately cheaters are deceptive and users they lie lie lie. She derived some benefits from living with you, be it financial or emotional, you meet some but not all of her needs. She does not love you enough to stop gutting your heart out the for last 6 years. She has not the kindness and compassion to tell you that she would like to separate you are too convenient for her to use.

This is not the woman your thought she was. The woman you feel in love with is gone. Look at her as she is now and what do you see? A deceptive, inconsiderate, self-centered, cruel woman who can lie and humiliate a man who obviously loves her and destabilize the life of her child. All of this for a couple of minutes of pleasure.

Now what do you think about her, can you really love the person she really is? She is a serial cheater, the worst kind and will continue to cheat. If you met her today and knew about her history would you get involved with her? 

This is harsh but wake up stop being a doormat she does not respect you or love you. Get a lawyer, get your credit cards cancelled if she has any with your name, cancel bank accounts, cancel the cell phone if you are paying for it and get the custody investigated and serve her papers. Stop being a nice guy it not worth it, never let a woman walk over you ever again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have experienced what RWB is talking about. My DW has gone as long as 5 years before her next round. Thirteen years ago was her first one and we never addressed it. As time went on she was on and off and I just stoped caring about her. The last three years, her behavior was pure evil, on Feb '10 I steped up and confronted her, I had to, she was exhibiting some dangerous behaviors..

I suggest you show your wife the hard evidence (telling her you know won't work) and that you will not tolerate her behavior. Confronting it now will save you and her from a life of hell down the road.

Any one who thinks the cheating will fizzle out, or its just a phase is wrong. At least from the road I've traveled.


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## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

Am not really seeing any changes in the past few days, the texts and calls continue, and I now they also continued to talk at work, even though I know nothing physical has happened lately, but I know its just a matter of time.

I just feel very depressed lately knowing that I have to end this and move on, I know I will get over it and eventually find someone who I can really be happy with, I feel so down thinking about it, and I have gotten some great responses from this forum but I still dont seem to understand why?????? why would someone lie all the time? even after I proposed to her she cried and promise never to hurt me again and I truly believe it, we even have a date to get married in about 9 months and she still talks about the wedding as if everything was perfect...I just dont get it...I know that I need to end it and move on but its just hard facing reality and trying to understand all the lies, all the promises, all the "I love you" that she says and still doing everything else behind my back. Am just lost


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From what I have found talking with my DS, is that your SO my still love you, but there is something that is missing and she is filling that void. Infact she my feel so guilty that she blocks out and denies the innappropriate behavior. 

I think your wife wants the security that you provide and also wants the OM on the side. Face it she has you for stability and the OM for excitement. 

Your SO is addicted to the feelings she gets from the OM and this makes it difficult to stop the relationship. I'm quessing she never really felt any serious consequences when you confronted her the 1st time. In my experience if the affair is not dealt with and the reason for the spouse stepping out of the marriage is not dealt with, then the cheating behavior will subside but start up again later on. I'v lived this. 

Again she is getting the best of both worlds and has never really faced any consequences for her past behaviors. So she continues to have two lives, one with you and one with him. She is not about to ruin that by being honest with either of her men. So she continues to lie to you and it sound like she is even lying to her self.

Who really knows what goes on in the mind of a cheater. She my have grown up in a household were there was cheating going on. It's a shame she won't tell you why, so the only thing you can do is step back and take stock in the relationship and see what led you to were you are now.


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## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

Yes, it doesnt look like it will get better, and honestly I dont want to work in the relationship because I think we might be ok for a while but am very afraid she will go back to her old ways. She gets mad when she knows i check her cell and facebook account so she wont be willing to give me full transparency either. I want to end it and just move on, but dont know how to approach the whole situation


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

See an attorney first to get a good handle on your options for custody/visitation of your child. When you have that information in order, start thinking about what you really want to do in terms of splitting whatever possessions you have together, who will move out of the home, etc. It's messy and it's a process, but you have to do what you can to protect yourself and your child.


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## Morenito0211 (Dec 29, 2010)

So an update on my story, my fiancee and I have been doing so good and had been happy for the past year, got our rings and set a new date for our wedding...now, we both have good jobs, we live confortable but do not own a home so we been talking for a while about saving money, moving to a smaller place and cheaper rent to save money, so about a month ago she wanted to get a new job and applied for one and I was ok with it...until I found out that the OM works there, so I told her how I felt about it and that she needed to look elsewhere, she was ok with it but she went behing my back and pushed for the position and even when to an interview without telling me, and just kept saying to me that she wasn't going to take the job, she got offered the job and I told her about my trust issues and that working with someone she cheated on me with will hurt our relationship and more than likelly end it, she said she wasn't going to take it and would turn it down but I just found out that she went to the office and got a work contract and is taking the job...knowing that it would hurt me for her to work with the OM and that this will end our relationship she still taking the job...I don't know what to make of this...am I wrong??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

She is in affair. She is not very interested in you. She clearly puts the OM on 1st place in her world.

Just quit, it's hopeless. Count yourself lucky you didn't marry yet.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The affairs never stopped. She learnt your methods and hid them better. First thing, stop the marriage, tell her all you know bout her affairs, that she isn't that clever and dump her. The cheating won't stop after the marriage either. Your fiance is a broken women. She will make the rest of your life miserable.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Morenito0211 said:


> So an update on my story, my fiancee and I have been doing so good and had been happy for the past year, got our rings and set a new date for our wedding...now, we both have good jobs, we live confortable but do not own a home so we been talking for a while about saving money, moving to a smaller place and cheaper rent to save money, so about a month ago she wanted to get a new job and applied for one and I was ok with it...until I found out that the OM works there, so I told her how I felt about it and that she needed to look elsewhere, she was ok with it but she went behing my back and pushed for the position and even when to an interview without telling me, and just kept saying to me that she wasn't going to take the job, she got offered the job and I told her about my trust issues and that working with someone she cheated on me with will hurt our relationship and more than likelly end it, she said she wasn't going to take it and would turn it down but I just found out that she went to the office and got a work contract and is taking the job...knowing that it would hurt me for her to work with the OM and that this will end our relationship she still taking the job...I don't know what to make of this...am I wrong??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You still belive that she care for your feelings...:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

work with the OM and that this will end our relationship...REALLY? You have good humor sense.......:rofl::rofl::rofl:

am I wrong?? Yes you are wrong, why you want to disturb the happiness and excitement she have with OM, your begging make her annoyed, stop that.


Which part of the previous advice you got from here made you the perfect doormat? I didn't see any one advising you to become a better doormat, but all advised you to man up and take control of your life, which you couldnt. Now what more should we say? Do you want us to repeat the same?

Some people will never learn the lessons...............


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Mor... havent you been betrayed long enough?? your soon to be wife has walked all over you cause you have allowed it. When is enough going to be enough?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Under no circumstances should you marry this woman. You should have sent her packing 4 years ago. 

DNA test for the kids.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Morenito0211 said:


> So an update on my story, my fiancee and I have been doing so good and had been happy for the past year, got our rings and set a new date for our wedding...now, we both have good jobs, we live confortable but do not own a home so we been talking for a while about saving money, moving to a smaller place and cheaper rent to save money, so about a month ago she wanted to get a new job and applied for one and I was ok with it...until I found out that the OM works there, so I told her how I felt about it and that she needed to look elsewhere, she was ok with it but she went behing my back and pushed for the position and even when to an interview without telling me, and just kept saying to me that she wasn't going to take the job, she got offered the job and I told her about my trust issues and that working with someone she cheated on me with will hurt our relationship and more than likelly end it, she said she wasn't going to take it and would turn it down but I just found out that she went to the office and got a work contract and is taking the job...knowing that it would hurt me for her to work with the OM and that this will end our relationship she still taking the job...I don't know what to make of this...am I wrong??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definition of insanity doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Re-read your whole thread. Nothing else needs to be said.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Sounds like you have a open relationship and she wants to stay close to her boyfriend at work. Its obvious she has no respect for you by still taking the job so what are you going to do when she tells you she won't give up the job(really means the OM/boyfriend/Lover)?? Will you back down or keep you head in the sand??:scratchhead:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is pretty obvious that she has played you for a total fool. Get tested for STD's.
Get a lawyer to talk about child support and visitation.
The affair never stopped.
She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry to say it but you have wasted the last couple of years with her. She has now obviously made her choice and it isn't you.

Each step here she has lied right to your face. She's done it for years, and after EACH cheating affair she has continued to lie, and you've stayed with her. You have shown her no spine and just accepted her back.

She is a serial cheater. She likely got the job connect from the OM because the affair never stopped. She now I think expects you to roll over and just get over it an be a good little boy and let her be with her true love at work.

Seriously - there is only two ways this plays out: Either you continue to be a doormat and she continues in the affair OR you actually call her out and end the relationship. 

You told her repeatedly no to take it - she continued to pursue it, to interview, to take it. Come on - Is that someone you can be with and trust? 

Is that someone who actually respects you in anyway?

I don't think she is even capable of telling you the truth to you on anything.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She as was said above, probably has been in her 1 or 2 A's all along----just deeply underground

I hope you don't really think she loves you, as she defies you every step of the way---Is that what you would call love

It is obvious she defied you, and went thru the whole process with the new jub, cuz her lover was helping her, and making sure he got what HE WANTED FROM HER, continued OPEN CONTACT.

She may be bedding down with you, and using your money---but she has others that she also loves, and very possibly she loves them more than you

Do you enjoy being a parole officer, do you enjoy the misery, do you enjoy sharing this woman you supposedly love

YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE-----you don't need us to tell you---YOU HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG!!!!!!!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

And I sure hope that the money you are saving for a 'house' is in your name somewhere. It will be too late once she empties the account and moves on.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> And I sure hope that the money you are saving for a 'house' is in your name somewhere. It will be too late once she empties the account and moves on.


:iagree:

Move that money now!

Morenito0211, listen to what EVERYONE is telling you. The affair never stop, she just took it underground. She chose OM over your wishes. She got the job connect thru the OM. She wants to work with OM. 

Again, like everyone is saying, it's time to end this.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Why are you complaining when you have chosen, out of your own free will, to stay with this woman who has cheated on you twice and is possibly going for a third betrayal?

If you marry her, I can almost guarantee you that she will turn off the sex and will be giving it to another man. You will be a cuckold in a one sided open marriage. Is that what you want? If the answer is no then you have to grow a pair and dump her NOW!

Women are attracted to men who never allow themselves to disrespected and never to weak, pathetic, needy men. Your fiancee's affair are a sign that she's looking for such a man and when she finds him, she'll dump you without even a second thought.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

For everyone viewing this thread: This is yet another case of a newly betrayed posting their story, then rug sweeps, only to disappear come back later to report things are the same or have gotten worse.


Morenito0211, your fiance is continuing to choose the OM. What are you going to do about it? You need to think of protecting yourself now. You're only going to lose the house if you stay with her. It's time to let her go.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Are you going to listen this time ?? Or, are you so foolish and deparate to marry this woman ? Did nothing you learn mean anything?? You told her it would mean the END OF YOU TWO, yet she did it anyway !! Either learn to have a HOT wife and be a good cuckold or man up, and stop wasting these good ppl time. You don't have to say Sh#t to her. You just pack your bags and leave. She made her choice. How much clearer does she have to be. I think she is so sure of you that she knows you won't leave, and if you do you will come crawling back.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You know she is not concerned about you or your feelings, but she likes you as a provider, but not exciting and special for her. she need OM for her excitement. You already wasted two yrs of your life, dont waste more time in this relationship. she is promiscuous, you cannot change her.

Transfer your money to your account, close any joint credit cards, pack your bags, give her a hug, say good bye and move on with your life. Find some one who love and care you.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Listen, what more do you need to wake up and smell the fvckin coffee here?

Do you need her to slap you around a bit?

Maybe **** you?

What do you need?

She does not give a damn about you. She proves it with her actions.

What more do you need from her to prove that????


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The bad news is this relationship, for sure now, is totally shot. The OM NO DOUBT, let her know about the job. She has a hidden, burner phone or some other (work phone, work email etc.) way to communicate with him. How did she act when she told you she was taking the job? Did she show any concern at all for your feelings? 

Unless your child looks like your spitting image, you need to get a DNA test. I doubts she has ever been faithfull to you.

The good news is, she didn't spit in your face. Although what she has done is much worse. I trully feel for you but you can do so much better.

There are some things you need to read before you start another relationship. There are certain things women simply do not respect in a man. If you do not get straightened out this will happen to you again. If you're interested let us know and we can give you the links to get a real future going.


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