# Wife had an affair and wants back



## Frazier32

I’ll try to make this as short as possible. 

I’ll start off with our background. We are both 24 years old. Exactly a month apart in age. We started dating at age 19. Moved in together at age 21. Engaged and married at 22. I’ve noticed throughout our relationship that we are completely different when it comes to it. I always put her and our marriage first. I don’t mind being depressed or getting the short end of the stick to make her happy. She tries to makes me happy as well when possible, but if it came down to her happiness or mine, without a doubt she’s not willing to give up what makes her happy. 


Getting straight to the story, our marriage isn’t really bumpy at all, and weve never taken any breaks, or had any conflicts that would lead to huge arguments or divorce. We’ve never been apart for more than maybe 12-16 hours in our 5 years of being together. 

My marriage seemed to be going very fine until around May 21st about a month ago. That day she turned extremely cold to me. No more calls on lunch breaks, and work breaks like always. No more venting to me about her problems at work. No more cooking dinner together and tv together. Just her in the room, just wanting alone time. 

I didn’t think much of it at first but 3 days later I asked her why she’s been cold lately, and is there anything I’m doing differently that’s setting her off. She replied “I honestly don’t think we’re a good match. I was gonna tell you this Saturday (which is about 5 days after she first went cold)”. She then told me she planned to move with her mom and start a new life without me. 

I immediately tried to fix problems that were never problems in the past. I tried to do anything in my power to make things work, and even began pleading for her to give the marriage another chance. After a couple of days went by she finally agreed to give it another chance. 

Well for the next week “another chance” to her meant still not call on breaks, still not do our normal activities together at home, etc.... inevitably leading to the same lecture to me the next weeekend that she wanted out. 

The day after she said she wanted out, she said she wants to give it one last chance. She said she didn’t want arguing, problems, and just wanted to be happy and have fun. I have her exactly that. No arguments for the entire week straight. I held my tongue through some minor disagreements thinking this would make her happy. She followed her same routine of being distant 

Well the following weekend which was last this weekend that just passed. She said she found a roommate to move in with, and she’s going to meet her today. Yes a complete stranger, and if things go wel she moves in a week from then. 

I spent the rest of the day depressed (still am), she cried a few times after coming to her decision. Then that night she finally admitted that the reason she wanted to leave wasn’t because of me or my problems. It was that she feels she’s young and hasn’t experienced life, and that marriage can be holding her back from that. 

The next day comes around which was 2 days ago, she said after thinking carefully she doesn’t wanna live with a stranger. She says it’s too much, and she’s scared the possibly things can go wrong and she’s very fearful of it. So she wants to stay with me. But not as a couple. 

Finally yesterday comes by and I gameplanned a last plea for my marriage. After talking for 20 minutes straight she responded with “honestly, I wouldn’t want to be married even if everything in our marriage was perfect. I don’t want the responsibility of a husband. I want to be free. 

I then confronted her about a text I seen earlier to some man (I’ll use he name James). And asked her who is he and if she wanted to be with him. She told me she eventually wanted to be with him. I then asked why wouldn’t you want a husband, but want him, then her response changed to “honestly I might not even want him”

I guess my question is should I continue to fight, contact her still ( we haven’t been talking). Or any advice would help. Thanks. I truly miss my old wife and my old life.


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## Kamstel

As the saying goes, you have to risk your marriage to save it.

Give her exactly what she wants. File and have her served at work. Hopefully this James POS works with her.

Find out about James. Is he married? If so you need to tell his wife.

This is the only way that you’re going to save your marriage.

I know you’re going through hell, but you need to step up your game now or else she’s gone forever.

You need to take strong decisive action now!


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## VermiciousKnid

It's him. She's been cheating with him since she went cold with you or probably before. May 21st was probably around the time they consummated their tryst physically. Only 24? No kids? Divorce this woman as fast as the law allows where you live and never look back. She's not a quality person and definitely not spouse material.


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## Kamstel

Stop playing the pick me game. It only deminiahes you in her eyes


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## Lostinthought61

This not your old wife, she is a sneaky cheating person who may look like your wife but isn't, this will very difficult to understand but you wanting to play pick me pick me makes you look pathetic in her eyes..this requires you to tell her goodbye, you will not try to keep her and that you would her to leave and file....hard decision but if she sees you strong she may or may not stay....either way you look strong on the outside. I know your hurting and I'm sorry.


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## BobSimmons

When you get tired of being made a mug, of getting the hot and cold, of getting the constant back and forth with no real answer, then you will make a decision.

She's literally banging him and you want to fight for her?

She told you she's with him and you still want to take her back, that makes her respect you even less especially when buddy is taking her out of her husbands arms.

Stop fighting because you're not winning anything are you?

You want to win back a woman that openly disrespects you?


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## Keke24

Frazier32 said:


> My marriage seemed to be going very fine until around May 21st about a month ago. That day she turned extremely cold to me. No more calls on lunch breaks, and work breaks like always. No more venting to me about her problems at work. No more cooking dinner together and tv together. Just her in the room, just wanting alone time.


OP by the time I finished reading your 3rd paragraph above, I knew your wife was cheating. Yes her behavior is that cliche. This is nothing more than stereotypical cheater behavior. 

I'm sure you may be questioning how in the world us strangers who know nothing about your wife can say with any certainty that she is cheating but please believe we have seen hundreds of stories like yours. All that's really missing is the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. If you don't believe us, please spend some time reading some of the thousands of threads in the Coping with Infidelity section where you posted. You will see the patterns of behavior and get a good idea as to why you are wasting your time even believing your wife is worth pursuing right now.


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## Frazier32

Yeah. I didn’t realize most likely she’s cheating. She’s been going to “her friends house” since last week. Last night she said her friend asked her to spend the night over there. (She’s also on her period, as well as her disgust for going down stairs is why I believed it yesterday.) I don’t know if she’s been going to his house or her friends house. I just don’t know....


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## badmemory

Frazier,

It's extremely rare that a wife would make such a life altering decision in such a short time frame and cheating not being the reason for it. And with her mentioning this OM, there's no longer any doubt. Now that you know that, your strategy should be the same even if you would prefer to reconcile instead of divorce.

Put her out of your bedroom, implement the 180 to detach, "ask" her to leave the home, see a divorce attorney and formulate your exit strategy. Start the divorce process as soon as you can and separate your finances. Then reach out to your Higher Power, whatever that may be, and give thanks. Thanks for you not having children and wasting more years than you already have on this wretch of a woman. She's a cheater, she's got the maturity of a 12 year old, and she's not marriage material. It happens. I'm sorry.

That immaturity she has may very well cause her to change her mind again. Don't change yours. Stay on track with the divorce. If by some unlikely chance she comes clean and demonstrates genuine remorse; you have months before the D is final to re-access. But don't count on that happening.

Keep posting.


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## jlg07

If you need to know for closure, get a PI on her for a week -- you will find out asap. Very sorry that you are here and that your wife has shown her true colors...


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## Kamstel

Tomorrow night, come home and then get dressed to go out for somewhere for dinner and drinks

When she asks where you are going, tell her you have a date, then walk out the door. If she objects, tell her, to quote a story by Taxman, “since you have James, I’m auditioning someone to be your replacement.” Then walk out the door. Then meet a friend for dinner and drinks


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## bandit.45

She's cheating Frazier. File for divorce and giver her what she wants. Don't beg or plead or try to win her back. Be strong. 

*Just Let Them Go*

_The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them. _


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## Kamstel

Don’t forget to tell the world, including her family and friends that you are getting a divorce because she is seeing another man.

Don’t let her rewrite the history of your marriage or make things up about you! Men have been arrested because of such fictional stories


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## VermiciousKnid

Frazier32 said:


> Yeah. I didn’t realize most likely she’s cheating. She’s been going to “her friends house” since last week. Last night she said her friend asked her to spend the night over there. (She’s also on her period, as well as her disgust for going down stairs is why I believed it yesterday.) I don’t know if she’s been going to his house or her friends house. I just don’t know....


Easy to verify if you want.


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## Keke24

Frazier32 said:


> Yeah. I didn’t realize most likely she’s cheating. She’s been going to “her friends house” since last week. Last night she said her friend asked her to spend the night over there. (She’s also on her period, as well as her disgust for going down stairs is why I believed it yesterday.) I don’t know if she’s been going to his house or her friends house. I just don’t know....


Once you get the confirmation that you need that your wife is cheating, this article will be a helpful resource to understanding why playing the pick me dance is counterintuitive. The author is a wife who cheated on her husband:

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife - DivorceBusting.com


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## Evinrude58

Cheating.
As said, you know what day she screwed him.

24,no kids?

As painful as this is, as sickened as you feel, as much of a nightmare this is for you——

I promise it will pass.

It will pass sooner, and you will be able to look in the mirror with no disgust in the future if you will just do one thing—- File for divorce.

Your wife is not special. What she’s doing isn’t rare. What she says— we can tell you almost word for word what she will say.

She will tell her friends and family :

Our marriage hasn’t been good for a long time.
It was done before I ever met James.
I don’t think I ever really loved Frazier. I love him, but was never really “in love” with him.

Frazier just doesn’t get me like James does.


Divorce her. If you want to know the best thing to do: Ever utter another word to her.
Ghost her. Pretend she doesn’t exist.

I know your emotions are so screwed up you are numb. I’ve been there.
But move on like she never existed.

You have been betrayed and left behind by your immature, selfish, ****ty wife who has zero character. Treat her like you would the person she is, and not the person you once thought her to be.
Kick her off the pedestal you placed her on.

You found her. You can find another.
There’s lots of women. Now is your chance to correct your first choice. 

Please see this as the gift it is.

I’m sorry. I know you are hurting.


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## Openminded

There's no point in fighting for anything. She's done. Let her go and be grateful that you found out now and not decades down the road as many do. I know this is painful but you'll get through it. Just take it one small step at a time.


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## SentHereForAReason

Yeah man, sorry you are here and it's going to hurt like Hell for a while, especially when it gets sprung on you like this out of the blue, you don't have time to prepare for the blow.

This is the other side of the age spectrum of the mid-life crisis. Affairs come in all shapes, sizes and age groups and that alone is giving you no shot at saving this but she's also got the, she never had a chance to experience life BS in her head too. With MLCs, they want to do something before it's too late or start coming face to face with eventual death in the future even if it's not even close. She's at the opposite end of the spectrum and using that in her head to justify what she is doing.

I'm all for reconciliation but it can only work when both parties are somewhat trustworthy and willing to work at it. You cannot win this fight brother, I tried it, many of us have. Give her what she (think) she wants by filing for divorce and don't look back as painful as it is. Nothing you can do or say will change her mind, nothing. There's no logic behind it and it won't make sense for a long, long time but you'll get through it.

Please see a lawyer this week and keep posting. We are here to help when you have questions, etc.


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## Yeswecan

Help her pack. Advise all what your W is up to.


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## BobSimmons

Frazier32 said:


> Yeah. I didn’t realize most likely she’s cheating. She’s been going to “her friends house” since last week. Last night she said her friend asked her to spend the night over there. (She’s also on her period, as well as her disgust for going down stairs is why I believed it yesterday.) I don’t know if she’s been going to his house or her friends house. I just don’t know....


Of course you know. She wants to divorce you and be free remember?
She's a grown woman having an affair and ready to divorce you..you know where she's going and whom she's with.

Make peace with that, then you can move on with your life.


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## Frazier32

I told her brother in law, which who I’m pretty close with all the stuff that’s going on. We haven’t spoken all day, but she asked me “why did you tell ****? I told you not to tell anyone my business and you don’t listen.” Then I replied with “Yes I did. Just so you know I don’t really wanna text anymore. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I’m extremely sure you’ve had extramarital affairs with the guy you’ve been texting. I don’t want I be with you anymore and would love if you can speed up your moving out process. I also do not wish to text you anymore unless it’s about you moving. Any other co versatile can be had in person or through phone. 

I’ve had a big change of heart from these past 4 weeks. Which is good for you as well. Something you’d been hoping for. Also. If you file for divorce I will not try to fight it.“

At which she replied “ok”. 


Even though I know this is the right thing to do. It hurts. Bad. And like I told her. I feel she’s going to regret it and change her mind on her decision in the future. Something I’d been hoping for, but with the advise I’ve received from here and in person. I probably shouldn’t go back if she comes back....


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## Marc878

File yourself and quit being a pushover. You know what she's doing. The only one keeping you in this mess is you.

Respect yourself and get out.

All cheaters want you to help hide their affair. She's just a typical lying cheater so quit playing her game


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## Keke24

Frazier32 said:


> I told her brother in law, which who I’m pretty close with all the stuff that’s going on. We haven’t spoken all day, but she asked me “why did you tell ****? I told you not to tell anyone my business and you don’t listen.” Then I replied with “Yes I did. Just so you know I don’t really wanna text anymore. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I’m extremely sure you’ve had extramarital affairs with the guy you’ve been texting. I don’t want I be with you anymore and would love if you can speed up your moving out process. I also do not wish to text you anymore unless it’s about you moving. Any other co versatile can be had in person or through phone.
> 
> I’ve had a big change of heart from these past 4 weeks. Which is good for you as well. Something you’d been hoping for. Also. If you file for divorce I will not try to fight it.“
> 
> :allhail:
> 
> At which she replied “ok”.
> 
> *Do not be perturbed by this response OP. Again, this is stereotypical behavior. She's in her "affair fog" where you/your feelings do not exist. The grass looks greener to her on the other side so she's going to be spiteful to you right now. Maintain your dignity!*
> 
> Even though I know this is the right thing to do. It hurts. Bad. And like I told her. I feel she’s going to regret it and change her mind on her decision in the future. Something I’d been hoping for, but with the advise I’ve received from here and in person. I probably shouldn’t go back if she comes back....


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry this happened to you....it's not your fault and you did nothing to deserve this. Fortunately, there are no kids.

File for divorce immediately in order to get the clock ticking. 

And go public tell all your friends and family that she found another man behind your back...and she's living with him. 

Cease all contact with her. Do not respond to any emails or text messages or calls from her (refer all contact to your attorney).

She feels guilty and conflicted about cheating on you and is capable of saying anything and/or blaming you. There's a good chance James won't want her permanently or can't support her so she may try to reconcile later. Since there's no kids there's no practical reason to reconcile ...give another more deserving and honest woman a chance to be your wife (and the mother of your children). She's broken ... you owe to yourself (and especially to your future kids) to find another more reliable woman.


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## GusPolinski

VermiciousKnid said:


> It's him. She's been cheating with him since she went cold with you or probably before. May 21st was probably around the time they consummated their tryst physically. Only 24? No kids? Divorce this woman as fast as the law allows where you live and never look back. She's not a quality person and definitely not spouse material.


What ^he^ said.


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## Frazier32

One more thing. We’ve shared a bank account for the past 2 years. We recently got our own accounts. I kept the original, and she got a new one. 

She got a car loan a month ago, and with this company they told her that if she’s one day late her car will be repossessed, and told her that this is like a last chance loan with her credit, because no one will offer her a loan if this is repossessed. 

The kicker is that she just changed her direct deposit, and her next two checks will be deposited into my account. Should I just hand her over the money deposited in my account? Or pay the bills that she’s leaving me with, that I doubt she’ll pay?


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## She'sStillGotIt

If I were you, I would march right up to her lying, cheating face and demand your testicles back.


After firmly reattaching them, I'd then immediately make my way to my divorce attorney's office and file that divorce so damned fast her cheating head would explode.

Your words are only as 'brave' as the actions you use to *back them up*.


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## Lostinthought61

Frazier32 said:


> One more thing. We’ve shared a bank account for the past 2 years. We recently got our own accounts. I kept the original, and she got a new one.
> 
> She got a car loan a month ago, and with this company they told her that if she’s one day late her car will be repossessed, and told her that this is like a last chance loan with her credit, because no one will offer her a loan if this is repossessed.
> 
> The kicker is that she just changed her direct deposit, and her next two checks will be deposited into my account. Should I just hand her over the money deposited in my account? Or pay the bills that she’s leaving me with, that I doubt she’ll pay?



i would give her some of the money but the rest i would pay the bills make sure she is off the account...also make sure that she is not the beneficiary of any life insurance polices as well...i can not tell you the stories of ex's getting money from BS after they die.


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## BobSimmons

Frazier32 said:


> *If you file for divorc*e I will not try to fight it.“
> 
> .


No. Stop procrastinating and putting everything on her. This is exactly why you're in the position you're in, she controls everything while you react to everything she does.

YOU go and see a lawyer.
YOU file.
You take control of your life.


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## Bulldawg2010

I’m going to give you some advice that was given to me on this forum, advice I wish I would have taken quicker.

1. Stop the pick me dance, listen I’ve been in your shoes. I’m 26, my wife is 24. The only difference in our story, was my wife wasn’t acting cold or distant to me at first. We were actually looking at buying a house together. Then one day I get a text message saying she needs to talk to me when she gets home from work. I got the whole “I love you but not in love with you speech”. I got the whole I’ve been unhappy for months speech, even though we were about to buy a house. I did the pick me dance, AFTER I found out about the OM that’s when she got cold and distant. That’s also when I implemented the 180. Don’t talk to her about saving the marriage. Regardless of how much you want to save it. I know it’s hard, I’m young just like you, and just like you my relationship was a long one. 6 1/2 years in total.

2. File for divorce, this was the mistake I made. She filed, she had control. Do not make this mistake. YOU being the one to file shows her you mean business. Have her served at work like someone else suggested, embarrass the **** out of her. I know it sounds mean and petty, but you need to start acting like a man. Do not make the mistake I made, don’t let her file, it will hurt like hell when you get served those papers. Make her feel the sting of it.

3. Either let her move out, or you move out and go NC. If your like me and my ex, we had no kids, no house, etc. no reason to talk to her. And by no contact I mean no contact. No matter how much anxiety you build up, no matter how bad you want to talk to her and see if she’s okay. None, zero, nada. If she reaches out to you, ignore it. If she starts blowing up your phone, then respond. Don’t come off as desperate. If you respond, keep them short, sweet, and to the point. Don’t **** around, don’t talk about feelings, act like you want the divorce. Bc the cold and honest truth is even if you don’t want the divorce, it’s gonna happen if she does.

4. Expose the **** out of the affair. Get on Facebook and make a status about it. Call her parents and tell her about it. Tell your friends, her friends, the whole damn world. Affairs thrive in secrecy and the dark. I exposed my ex wife’s affair, and even though it really didn’t do anything to stop it (they are living together now). It turned her mother against her. No one believes her expect for the few close friends she has that knew what she was doing anyways.

5. Expect and plan for the emotions your going to go through. Idc how tough you are, you’Re going to cry, you’re going to get depressed. You will have moments when your fine, then 30 seconds later you’ll want to get in bed and never come out of it. Start reading books, start going to IC, start working out at the gym. Don’t hold it all in, that’s what the IC is for. DO NOT talk to her about what you are feeling. 

No matter what you do, you might not save your marriage. I didn’t. And yes it sucks, at first. But slowly and surely you learn that you can’t fix someone. Someone that can cheat on their spouse is broken, pure and simple. She doesn’t care about you right now. That may change, it may not. But as of this moment, and IDGAF what she says, she doesn’t. Actions speak louder than words.

6. Be sure to start hanging out with friends, do anything to keep your mind off of the situation as much as you can. Don’t go out and get drunk. Don’t go beat the OM ass. Also expect some fallout after you expose it. My ex wife tried to get a restraining order placed on me and subsequently got embarrassed in court.


That’s the best advice I can give you. I’ve been there man, I know it sucks just as much when you’re young and married as when your older. It’s gonna hit you in the gut more than once. 
My wife cheated and left me for a 37 year old man, and she’s 24. 

I wish I would have done some things differently. But I’m telling you now, you begging and pleading for another chance will not work the way you think it will. It didn’t work for me, it won’t work for you.
She knows you love her, she knows you will fight for your marriage, she knows you want as many second chances as she’s willing to give you. What she doesn’t know is that you will be just fine without her in your life. Start proving that to her NOW and not later.


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## Rubix Cubed

Frazier32 said:


> I also do not wish to text you anymore unless it’s about you moving. Any other co versatile can be had in person or through phone.


 You kinda got this backward. In person conversation or phone conversations shouldn't be happening because you should be doing "the 180", you also have no record of what is said. By text, you have a written record of what is said/texted.

You really need to file first so you can regain a bit of the control you have lost.


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## Frazier32

Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago. 

Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant. 

She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with. 

Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


----------



## Kamstel

If you EVER have sex with her again, make sure you are wearing a condom!

Reason 1: you do NOT know who she has slept with, and she has cheated on you, probably with multiple guys

Reason 2: don’t trust her With birth control!! Once she realizes the grass isn’t greener, she might be looking to trap you!


What did she say about her dear friend who came to the wedding!


She is not being truthful at all. 

Tell her that passing a polygraph is a requirement before you will even think about reconciling with her.


And get the DNA test done as well


----------



## Kamstel

Sorry, got my posters confused.


----------



## Marc878

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago.
> 
> Cheaters lie a lot
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, *she just stays distant. *
> 
> Her words are meaningless. Her actions tell you more
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Cheaters lie a lot. It's what they do
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


Wake up and stop being played


----------



## seadoug105

So..... ah..... you bought her story and your giving it another shot, just like that.... her blames shifting and minimizing is enough for you. A few words from her and no real consequences for her.

I truly do wish you the best, and hope the stars align, the universe inverts and she become the loving wife you hope for.

... but based on the details you provided us, that is far less than likely, so I guess we will see you back here in a couple years. I truly wish you the best!


Ahhhhh, who am I kidding.... it will most likely be a couple of months or possibly weeks, before you find yourself right back having Sha-hit sandwiches for breakfast lunch and dinner.


Sorry if I sound like I'm an arse (cause I am one), but you have received some great advice here and you seem to be trusting the words of a woman that has proved herself to be a liar and at the very least admitted to planning to cheat, but more likely than not she already has.


----------



## Andy1001

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago.
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant.
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


She has shown you who she is,a lying,manipulative cheat.
Believe her and file for divorce.


----------



## colingrant

First, ask yourself if she's the only woman in the world for you. You already know the answer to this. If you have to sell a person to stay with you, just that idea itself would make me realize she's not where you need her to be as an exclusive loving partner. Exclusive loving partners get there on their own, from you being you. From them loving you and you loving them. Don't lose sight of this. If you ask yourself very, simple questions the answers will come clearly to you. 

I have a 22 year old son, who wants to live off the land. He's not ready to do anything remotely to this, but he's committed to trying. The stronger I argue against this, the more he's inclined to do it. I've concluded, he has to see for himself what it's like to eat berries, drink well water and not have wifi means. There's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best. Sometimes, you have to let love go and find it elsewhere while they try to find themselves. Remember, you're not the only one risking it here. She could lose you also. Takes two, and if one of the two aren't on board, then it ain't two. It's one hoping and the other one looking. You don't want that.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago.
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant.
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


Cheaters are so good at storytelling that it makes us question ourselves, they seem so believable. Some cheaters have perfected their stories and they have gotten more and more manipulative over the years and many just develop this sense of believable lying on the fly. 

I'm sorry dude but she is lying, how much she is lying is always the question but the formula for storytelling that makes it so believable is;

- one part truth
- one part what you already know
- one part, a small tidbit, a nugget of what you didn't know to really make it seem like she is telling you everything
- and the rest all wrapped up into lies that cast a reasonable doubt on what she really did

The other thing that makes all of this more believable from betrayed spouses is that WE WANT to believe them so we convince our minds that this story sounds good, we just want to move on. We want our lives back.

My STBXW would be someone who was considered trustworthy, very smart and sweet by so many that know her. We were both born and raised into the Catholic Faith, our kids go to Catholic School and she in an integral member of the church. The reason I bring this up is that she would even SWEAR TO GOD with many of her lies. Those are the extreme measures that cheaters will go to because they need to justify what they have done, what they are doing and in many cases, it's so crazy, they believe their own lies. If I wouldn't have been armed with all of the facts whenever I talked to her, I would have been snowed over and I was for the 6 months I was in limbo where I had no idea what she was doing, this made me doubt myself and made life a living Hell.


----------



## Kamstel

Congratulations on finally deciding that you aren’t going to take her betrayal any more!

Yes, It hurts like hell, but you know it’s the right thing to do, and that pain will go away slowly. Yes there will be days that you take two steps back, but I promise you you will survive.

Now as for the next steps, 

1) you need to get a lawyer and file.
2). You need to tell the world what she has done and is doing. Don’t let her read write your history, and make you out to be the bad guy!
3) Go to the bank and make sure that she does not have the ability to remove any money from any of your accounts.


This is all on her!!!

Hang in there. Rely on family and friends to lean on. That’s what they’re there for. They would actually be hurt to find out that you were hurting and you did not rely on them.

You’re doing great. And just remember what Winston Churchhill said, when you find yourself in hell just keep moving


----------



## Kamstel

And finally zero communication between you and her.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Kamstel said:


> Congratulations on finally deciding that you aren’t going to take her betrayal any more!
> 
> Yes, It hurts like hell, but you know it’s the right thing to do, and that pain will go away slowly. Yes there will be days that you take two steps back, but I promise you you will survive.
> 
> Now as for the next steps,
> 
> 1) you need to get a lawyer and file.
> 2). You need to tell the world what she has done and is doing. Don’t let her read write your history, and make you out to be the bad guy!
> 3) Go to the bank and make sure that she does not have the ability to remove any money from any of your accounts.
> 
> 
> This is all on her!!!
> 
> Hang in there. Rely on family and friends to lean on. That’s what they’re there for. They would actually be hurt to find out that you were hurting and you did not rely on them.
> 
> You’re doing great. And just remember what Winston Churchhill said, when you find yourself in hell just keep moving


Kam maybe you missed his last post lol. Sounds like he is going to try to work it out and is buying her trickle T story.


----------



## Evinrude58

BobSimmons said:


> No. Stop procrastinating and putting everything on her. This is exactly why you're in the position you're in, she controls everything while you react to everything she does.
> 
> YOU go and see a lawyer.
> YOU file.
> You take control of your life.


My thoughts as well, almost verbatim.

Your wife is lying. She is obviously lying. All the bs she is telling you can be easily translated from lying-cheater-speak as this: "I am ****ing James and loving it, but to be honest, after enjoying James' action, I think I might just enjoy lots of men and want to find out. Frazier, I've had more pleasant thoughts about the janitor down the hall than I have about you. I'm done".

Now, what I wish I could explain to you is this: Right now, your wife wants out. She might even have a SLIGHT feeling of guilt about what she is doing and has done, and MAY give you a somewhat fair divorce if you push it NOW. If you wait, you will regret this like nothing you've regretted before.

YOUR ONE GOAL right now should be getting her to sign a divorce agreement that will be filed in court. You can stop the process at any time. You can still date her after the divorce. But if I could give you one piece of advice that I know is right, it's to go file now and take advantage of her conscience (that she likely barely has) and get a fair deal. Otherwise, she is going to screw you over legally as much as possible. Bank on this. Don't let it happen.


----------



## Kamstel

Oh damn, I did miss that!

He is being played for a fool!!!! 
I thought he realized that!!!


I’m sorry, but you are in for a world of hurt!


I suggest that you go to Dr regularly and get tested for STDs, just Incase she catches something from using a public toilet


Good luck


----------



## Steelman

Frazier32 said:


> I’ll try to make this as short as possible.
> 
> I’ll start off with our background. We are both 24 years old. Exactly a month apart in age. We started dating at age 19. Moved in together at age 21. Engaged and married at 22. I’ve noticed throughout our relationship that we are completely different when it comes to it. I always put her and our marriage first. I don’t mind being depressed or getting the short end of the stick to make her happy. She tries to makes me happy as well when possible, but if it came down to her happiness or mine, without a doubt she’s not willing to give up what makes her happy.
> 
> 
> Getting straight to the story, our marriage isn’t really bumpy at all, and weve never taken any breaks, or had any conflicts that would lead to huge arguments or divorce. We’ve never been apart for more than maybe 12-16 hours in our 5 years of being together.
> 
> My marriage seemed to be going very fine until around May 21st about a month ago. That day she turned extremely cold to me. No more calls on lunch breaks, and work breaks like always. No more venting to me about her problems at work. No more cooking dinner together and tv together. Just her in the room, just wanting alone time.
> 
> I didn’t think much of it at first but 3 days later I asked her why she’s been cold lately, and is there anything I’m doing differently that’s setting her off. She replied “I honestly don’t think we’re a good match. I was gonna tell you this Saturday (which is about 5 days after she first went cold)”. She then told me she planned to move with her mom and start a new life without me.
> 
> I immediately tried to fix problems that were never problems in the past. I tried to do anything in my power to make things work, and even began pleading for her to give the marriage another chance. After a couple of days went by she finally agreed to give it another chance.
> 
> Well for the next week “another chance” to her meant still not call on breaks, still not do our normal activities together at home, etc.... inevitably leading to the same lecture to me the next weeekend that she wanted out.
> 
> The day after she said she wanted out, she said she wants to give it one last chance. She said she didn’t want arguing, problems, and just wanted to be happy and have fun. I have her exactly that. No arguments for the entire week straight. I held my tongue through some minor disagreements thinking this would make her happy. She followed her same routine of being distant
> 
> Well the following weekend which was last this weekend that just passed. She said she found a roommate to move in with, and she’s going to meet her today. Yes a complete stranger, and if things go wel she moves in a week from then.
> 
> I spent the rest of the day depressed (still am), she cried a few times after coming to her decision. Then that night she finally admitted that the reason she wanted to leave wasn’t because of me or my problems. It was that she feels she’s young and hasn’t experienced life, and that marriage can be holding her back from that.
> 
> The next day comes around which was 2 days ago, she said after thinking carefully she doesn’t wanna live with a stranger. She says it’s too much, and she’s scared the possibly things can go wrong and she’s very fearful of it. So she wants to stay with me. But not as a couple.
> 
> Finally yesterday comes by and I gameplanned a last plea for my marriage. After talking for 20 minutes straight she responded with “honestly, I wouldn’t want to be married even if everything in our marriage was perfect. I don’t want the responsibility of a husband. I want to be free.
> 
> I then confronted her about a text I seen earlier to some man (I’ll use he name James). And asked her who is he and if she wanted to be with him. She told me she eventually wanted to be with him. I then asked why wouldn’t you want a husband, but want him, then her response changed to “honestly I might not even want him”
> 
> I guess my question is should I continue to fight, contact her still ( we haven’t been talking). Or any advice would help. Thanks. I truly miss my old wife and my old life.


Give it up. Its done. She wants to get out and sow her oats- there is nothing you can do at this point. I had a wife like that but at a slightly older age. You are going to be on pins and needles the whole time if you try and keep it together just like you have been.


----------



## Steelman

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago.
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant.
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


If your marriage doesn't work out? It's over bud.

Your wife is jealous of her single friends and wants to be single, but she's already planning to be with a guy. Makes no sense.


----------



## Evinrude58

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me *telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future*.
> 
> Illogical. No one wants to buy a car they haven't test driven. She's lying. Accept that she has had sex with the guy. She has and you must know that.
> 
> Which I see as an emotional affair. *She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me.*
> 
> Illogical. She "owes you" her fidelity. She "owes you" to be YOUR wife and not James, and not be a bar-hopping sloot. That didn't bother her. Now suddenly she owes you a "shot"??? Give your relationship a "shot"????? Geez, she's your wife and she can't even say you have done something wrong. She's lying. When a liar says things that don't make sense, it's because they're lying. Accept it. She wants ANYONE but you. She's a typical cheater, and totally lacks remorse. I believe she's a perfect candidate to be a serial cheater, if she isn't already.
> 
> *
> Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago. *
> 
> LIES. MORE LIES. Don't accept the lies.
> 
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant.
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Lies that are so clearly lies they are laughable. You THINK your wife is not a sexual person. She's been shagging James like a wild rabbit. She's not sexual with YOU. But assuredly she's sexual with other men or they wouldn't be wasting their time with her. You've got to stop allowing yourself to be so easily hornswoggled by your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. *If* our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


I worry about the "if", because I think the hope of you somehow fixing this is going to keep you believing her lies and causing you to stay in limbo. You so badly need to file. Your wife is gone. She's keeping you for her own security, and has no intention of working on your marriage. She's going out on the weekends to find your replacement. She's enjoying it. One has to be present and willing, in order to repair a broken marriage. She's neither. You really need to accept your marriage is done and move forward. The only reason I am telling you this is because I know how painful the hoping/limbo thing can be. It's excruciating. Don't do it. Move forward. Let your wife stop you if she wants to and you have REASON to believe she wants you and not your security blanket.


----------



## Bananapeel

Frazier, the only reason that you are believing her absurd explanations is because you WANT to accept the lies as truth since that would be easier and has the potential IN YOUR MIND of returning your life back to normal. This situation you are in is one of the most stressful and difficult you will ever face in life, so your reaction is completely normal. The reason everyone else can see that she's lying is because we aren't emotionally attached to her or any outcome with her, so we can see what is going on from a neutral standpoint. If you run data recovery software on her phone or put a voice activated recorder in her car you'll probably find out the truth and it won't be the lies she's been feeding you.


----------



## BluesPower

Frazier32 said:


> I’ll try to make this as short as possible.
> 
> I’ll start off with our background. We are both 24 years old. Exactly a month apart in age. We started dating at age 19. Moved in together at age 21. Engaged and married at 22. I’ve noticed throughout our relationship that we are completely different when it comes to it. I always put her and our marriage first. I don’t mind being depressed or getting the short end of the stick to make her happy. She tries to makes me happy as well when possible, but if it came down to her happiness or mine, without a doubt she’s not willing to give up what makes her happy.
> 
> Getting straight to the story, our marriage isn’t really bumpy at all, and weve never taken any breaks, or had any conflicts that would lead to huge arguments or divorce. We’ve never been apart for more than maybe 12-16 hours in our 5 years of being together.
> 
> My marriage seemed to be going very fine until around May 21st about a month ago. That day she turned extremely cold to me. No more calls on lunch breaks, and work breaks like always. No more venting to me about her problems at work. No more cooking dinner together and tv together. Just her in the room, just wanting alone time.
> 
> I didn’t think much of it at first but 3 days later I asked her why she’s been cold lately, and is there anything I’m doing differently that’s setting her off. She replied “I honestly don’t think we’re a good match. I was gonna tell you this Saturday (which is about 5 days after she first went cold)”. She then told me she planned to move with her mom and start a new life without me.
> 
> I immediately tried to fix problems that were never problems in the past. I tried to do anything in my power to make things work, and even began pleading for her to give the marriage another chance. After a couple of days went by she finally agreed to give it another chance.
> 
> Well for the next week “another chance” to her meant still not call on breaks, still not do our normal activities together at home, etc.... inevitably leading to the same lecture to me the next weeekend that she wanted out.
> 
> The day after she said she wanted out, she said she wants to give it one last chance. She said she didn’t want arguing, problems, and just wanted to be happy and have fun. I have her exactly that. No arguments for the entire week straight. I held my tongue through some minor disagreements thinking this would make her happy. She followed her same routine of being distant
> 
> Well the following weekend which was last this weekend that just passed. She said she found a roommate to move in with, and she’s going to meet her today. Yes a complete stranger, and if things go wel she moves in a week from then.
> 
> I spent the rest of the day depressed (still am), she cried a few times after coming to her decision. Then that night she finally admitted that the reason she wanted to leave wasn’t because of me or my problems. It was that she feels she’s young and hasn’t experienced life, and that marriage can be holding her back from that.
> 
> The next day comes around which was 2 days ago, she said after thinking carefully she doesn’t wanna live with a stranger. She says it’s too much, and she’s scared the possibly things can go wrong and she’s very fearful of it. So she wants to stay with me. But not as a couple.
> 
> Finally yesterday comes by and I gameplanned a last plea for my marriage. After talking for 20 minutes straight she responded with “honestly, I wouldn’t want to be married even if everything in our marriage was perfect. I don’t want the responsibility of a husband. I want to be free.
> 
> I then confronted her about a text I seen earlier to some man (I’ll use he name James). And asked her who is he and if she wanted to be with him. She told me she eventually wanted to be with him. I then asked why wouldn’t you want a husband, but want him, then her response changed to “honestly I might not even want him”
> 
> I guess my question is should I continue to fight, contact her still ( we haven’t been talking). Or any advice would help. Thanks. I truly miss my old wife and my old life.


Let me translate, she met a guy, cheated on you, and now wants out. But she is not sure....

Please, you are 24, dump her, divorce her and leave her in the dirt. 

Grow up, and in a few years, find another woman that is loyal and true, and marry her. 

Dude, this is not that hard, it hurts, but it is not hard to know what to do. 

You cannot save this and you would be a chump if you did.


----------



## Chaparral

When you’re 24 and married, the only reason you don’t have sex every day is because you’re sore or she’s on her period.

She has been talking to James about their future but they have never been together. Another reason to divorce is she thinks you’re dumber than a bag of rocks. 

When wives make a mistake and figure out they are messing up they start banging their husband like they haven’t had sex in years. Sex more than once a day. It’s called hysterical bonding. You seen any of that.

What I suspect is she hasn’t had sex with you in quite awhile. That’s called being faithful.......... to the other man.

Check her phone for google map locations and any other GPS services she has. Turn on find my phone so you can keep an eye on her. Check your phone bill to see who she is texting. look for numbers under the wrong peoples name. 

What she doesn’t realize is all her happy friends are desperately looking for good husbands. Not saying you guys haven’t fallen into a rut but that is no excuse for her rutting with James.

Read other threads here. The odds she has banged James are 99-1 in favor. More than likely if she is wanting to come back, James freaked out about her wanting to be a steady thing. Is he married?


----------



## stro

Sorry to say, this scenario will play itself out again soon. I hope I’m wrong but I doubt it.


----------



## bandit.45

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, *though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future*. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. *Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago*.
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant.
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


See the bold. So she falls in love with this guy and starts discussing their future all in the space of a week? Uh huh....

Lies...lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies ....

She's a lying liar.


----------



## smi11ie

She is trying to create a story that doesn’t make her look bad. She has no respect for you. Don’t try to help her out financially, it is not worth it. Let James pick up her bills. Start the divorce and don’t contact her.


----------



## NJ2

For what its worth....
I had an EA which turned into a PA. My H never found out until I told him many years later. If he had found out my advice to him would have been to 

-tell me he was done and I was free to go
-file separation papers
-kick me out of the bedroom and out of the house if possible
-tell my family and his
-do the 180
-get busy outside of the house (make it look like he was gong on dates and having a great time
-go away for a weekend and not tell me where he was going

AFTER a significant time period if I showed true remorse he could consider R
- if there was to be any chance of an R I would have to go to IC and MC
-I would have to tell the whole truth
-i would have to take a poly to prove I was telling the whole truth
-there would be full access to my electronics
- gps on my phone (and car which should not be disclosed but used as a back up to prove the phone was telling the truth)

Many years after my A my husband went cold. I know the exact date he changed- one week hes texting me he misses me and loves me and cant wait to come home-he was on a vacation with the kids- and the day after he got home he went on call with a female coworker - after that- no more i love yous no more chatty texts, no more telling me the ups and downs of his day....I booked and paid for a surprise vacation for the family and texted him- he didnt even bother to reply for half a day and then it was "ok"...he had of course began texting her and even apologizing if he didnt get back to her right away...that was one I saw the rest he was deleting...


He has never admitted to this EA/PA. I had enough red flags. I told his mom what I thought, I told my parents what I thought. I kicked him out of the bedroom cuz he wouldnt leave the house. I printed off separation papers off the internet and wrote up an agreement as to how we would handle the kids and finances- he wouldnt sign anything
We went to IC and MC....he continued to lie and communicate secretly with the OW.

I put a VAR in the car and GPS'd his phone. I never caught proof but I know in my heart -oh yes and there was hysterical bonding....that after almost no initiation of sex by him for 6 months

I had him take a poly which he failed. I had him take a second poly which he convinced the polygrapher not to give him.
Eventually we worked through what we could and what we couldnt work through we mostly accepted. 
We learned what each others needs were in MC and became closer than we ever were before. 
We both fought for the marriage. We are happy and enjoying life together now- sharing new hobbies, and hopes for the future. We sleep in each others arms.

But- we will probably never trust each other 100%. Maybe not even 80%. That can be very tiring.
Is it worth it? In our case yes- because we have adult children together, we are ready to enjoy retirement and one day grandchildren together, we have been together 37 years. Our pasts and our futures look rosier as a couple. We have learned from our mistakes and grown as individuals and a couple.

Without kids, without decades of history together, without pensions and inheritances being intermingled....I dont know. You are so young. There are many other women out there to choose from.


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## Decorum

Chaparral said:


> Another reason to divorce is she thinks you’re dumber than a bag of rocks.


Rocks just don't have enough life experience to know any better.

Even a collective bag of them.:|


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## OutofRetirement

You both have the same goal - for her to be happy. It should turn out OK in the end. She probably won't find another guy who is willing to share her like you are. I think she'll come back to you in between any James' she explores with. All you have to do is keep her happy. Protect against STDs and pregnancy. Knowing she has doubts, maybe you could ask her for a post-nup.


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## FieryHairedLady

The reason she said she might not want to move out is because this James guy is just looking to get laid. He doesn't actually want her.

Otherwise, she would be gone already.

She is playing you for a fool.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Frazier32,

Let her go. Expose on Facebook as Bulldawg said, and Bandit has given you extremely solid advice, take it to heart.You cannot nice back a wayward spouse.Next, ask for the ring you gave her back. Tell her she is not ****ing another man with your ring on anymore. 180 cease contact.

Commit to memory that cheaters lie. She has been bumping uglies with the guy.

No kids......no brainer.....bye bye *****. 

You deserve better.

PS: act like a man. No pick me dancing allowed


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## threelittlestars

You are plan B. She wants everything to be rosy, you to still love and adore her and want to be married, while she gets you at arms length adoring her.... But she gets to play the field... 

I agree with many posters, when did she cut your balls and start wearing them around her neck? This is so offensive to you. I would NEVER EVER EVER take her back again.


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## donny64

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago.


And she didn't see how "enjoyable" her single friends lives ere until a few weeks ago? BS.

She is talking about making life plans with this new guy, and has never had sex with him? BS. No woman is going to talk about life plans with someone (and certainly will not move forward with them) without knowing what the guy's equipment looks like, and if he's any good in bed. Is he hung? Does he have a micro-penis? You can bet your last dollar, she has seen it....and more.

She's known the guy a week, and they have "talked about their future"? 

Come on man. You see how stupid and completely impossible this all sounds, right?




> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.


She's not sexual with YOU! For whatever reason, you do not turn her on. It may be because you're a doormat and she doesn't respect you. It may be because she's been getting her needs met elsewhere for quite some time. It may be because she has little interest in sex. BUT, tell us this....what was the sex like for the first months and year you met? I'll bet she wasn't so asexual then. And she won't be with the new guy either.

At any rate, what the hell are you trying to save here? You go 6 months at a time without sex, and she's a cheat? And no kids, no house, nothing really tying you to her? Exit stage right pronto! If you're that hard up for platonic companionship, buy a dog! At least they're loyal!

If you need proof, drop a VAR in her car for a couple days. Dollars to Donuts you'll catch her before day one is up talking to either him, or her friends, about how spectacular the sex is with this guy.


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## Knips

You have no kids, no house. She obiously sees no future anymore in the marriage and is planning a future with someone else. You should consider yourself lucky. What if this had happened when you where both 40 with 3 kids. Tell her it is over and she should move out within a week and start the divorce procedure.


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## TDSC60

I echo just about everything others have told you.

She is definitely only staying around for the financial stability you offer. She wants freedom to do what she wants, when she wants, with anyone she wants. But that does not pay the bills. For bill paying, she needs you. That is her big fear. Losing the bank of Frazier.

Past time for you to get out of this joke of a marriage. Do not trick yourself into believing that things can return to the state they were in before you found out about how she is now. She has shown you who she is and what kind of woman she is - believe her.

Divorce. Now. You can have a happy, satisfying life ahead - just not with her and her selfish attitude.


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## Frazier32

So I feel like I’m in the hardest position I’ve ever been in. So a little while back I made a post asking whether I should fight for my marriage or not, because my wife was cheating on me with someone else. Basically what ended up happening was that she was talking to some guy behind my back for about a month, she abandoned me, moved in which a friend within a 2 weeks notice (because she really wanted to pursue a relationship with him), pretty much ditching our marriage. I was under a depression for some time. I tried to take her to marriage counseling which she wouldn’t go to, and she told me repeatedly she absolutely doesn’t want me regardless of what I do. She told me that she wanted to be with this other guy she met. 

Well that plan of hers folded within weeks (which felt really good). Come to find out he was lying to her about literally everything. He told her he was in the military, that he was single and lived alone (she went to his house and cheated once). He pretty much lied about his entire life. Come to find out he was married, had no job or job experience. Was literally a drug addict, and was hiding his wife’s clothes in a duffel bag when my wife would go over there. Long story short, it didn’t work out. 

Now after the minor depression, and being completely over my wife (we didn’t finalize our divorce) she realized exactly what she had. She called me crying repeatedly about how she screwed up. She assured me that all she wants is for me to be happy, even if it’s with another woman. I believe there far from the truth, because she also said that she 100% wants our marriage back. I’ve started talking with another woman who makes me very happy, but now that my wife wants to come back I’m at a stand still. 

My family absolutely hates my wife, and my family is very big and we are very close. Many of them took off of work to be around me when I was going through the split. So I know that’ll take a very long time to heal those wounds with them if they ever do heal. I’m over my wife, so I have no problem moving forward myself, and I started talking to a new woman that makes me happy. So basically I don’t have any need for my wife. 

The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me. 

I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


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## bigfoot

Based on your story, I cannot think of any pros. You sound like you need counseling for yourself. Do not entertain getting back until you finish individual counseling. 

Family took time off to sit with you because of a breakup?! That tells me that you need help.

As far as getting back. No pros, only cons.


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## BruceBanner

Move on with your life and leave your wife behind. Leaving you to go move in with someone else is disrespectful as hell. Let her have her cake. She only regrets what she did now because she now realizes she gave you up for something that wasn't real and didn't work out.



Frazier32 said:


> The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me.


Who cares what she needs if she obviously has no respect for you? You have no obligation to someone who 
has betrayed you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

She ONLY wants back because her preferred relationship failed. This has nothing to do with having had some epiphany about loving you and wanting to do the right thing.

You know this. 

And that's all you need to know to make the right decision.


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## Marc878

Frazier32 said:


> So I feel like I’m in the hardest position I’ve ever been in. So a little while back I made a post asking whether I should fight for my marriage or not, because my wife was cheating on me with someone else. Basically what ended up happening was that she was talking to some guy behind my back for about a month, she abandoned me, moved in which a friend within a 2 weeks notice (because she really wanted to pursue a relationship with him), pretty much ditching our marriage. I was under a depression for some time. I tried to take her to marriage counseling which she wouldn’t go to, and she told me repeatedly she absolutely doesn’t want me regardless of what I do. She told me that she wanted to be with this other guy she met.
> 
> She told you and showed you who she is. Believe her
> 
> Well that plan of hers folded within weeks (which felt really good). Come to find out he was lying to her about literally everything. He told her he was in the military, that he was single and lived alone (she went to his house and cheated once). He pretty much lied about his entire life. Come to find out he was married, had no job or job experience. Was literally a drug addict, and was hiding his wife’s clothes in a duffel bag when my wife would go over there. Long story short, it didn’t work out.
> 
> So if he had been legitimate she wouldn't be back now
> 
> Now after the minor depression, and being completely over my wife (we didn’t finalize our divorce) she realized exactly what she had. She called me crying repeatedly about how she screwed up. She assured me that all she wants is for me to be happy, even if it’s with another woman. I believe there far from the truth, because she also said that she 100% wants our marriage back. I’ve started talking with another woman who makes me very happy, but now that my wife wants to come back I’m at a stand still.
> 
> Only because the other guy didn't work out but there will be another. Cheaters lie a lot
> 
> My family absolutely hates my wife, and my family is very big and we are very close. Many of them took off of work to be around me when I was going through the split. So I know that’ll take a very long time to heal those wounds with them if they ever do heal. I’m over my wife, so I have no problem moving forward myself, and I started talking to a new woman that makes me happy. So basically I don’t have any need for my wife.
> 
> That's a real heavy Boulder to drag around
> 
> The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me.
> 
> Why are you making this your problem? Do you really want to be a fool for punishment ?
> 
> I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


Living the life of being her plan B isn't a bright future. Infidelty is a gift that keeps on giving.

It's not your job to fix her. Give her the freedom she wanted and in doing so you'll free yourself.

Oh and inform the other mans wife so she can have the truth and make a decision on what she wants.


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## farsidejunky

Your need to "save" her is commonly called KISA, or knight in shining armor.

You need therapy for that...pronto.

As for you wife...love yourself enough to refuse to allow toxic people in your life. And she IS toxic...period. 

Move on and heal, brother. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

Keep getting counseling and finalize the divorce.

Both actions are pros with no cons.

Caring for your faithless wife isn't wrong but staying married to her is.

Encourage her to get help. Being married won't help her get over being a betraying skankwad but counseling can get her headed in a healthier direction.

If you want what's best for her, divorce her while encouraging her to get professional help.


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## anchorwatch

Your wife is broken. You admit that. She constantly looks for attention fill a hole in her. That's why she can't keep a relationship. 

This is above your abilities. The white knight syndrome in you is pulling on your heartstrings. Your protecting will only enable her further and will just end in disaster. It may be hard now, but it's best for both if you stand strong and use your head. Let her go. She can only fix herself, and with the help of long term professional help. If it's at all possible. 

Best

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## 00buck

If the OM is a drug addicted serial cheater I can only hope he didn't give her any STD's in their time together. 

If your wife's time with him and you overlapped -
You might want to get yourself checked for STD's before perusing relations with your new lady friend, or anyone else for that matter. 



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## 2ntnuf

Block her phone number, email and remove yourself from any social online communication resources. Take this new woman on a short vacation and have a great time with no strings attached. Forget the past. Leave it where it belongs, behind you in the garbage pile at the curb.


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## sunsetmist

In my eyes you do not have a marriage, but more of a caretaker/parental arrangement. Counseling for both, check for STDs, self-reflection re your maturity--being stuck in the past/present. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?


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## Andy1001

So the other man was an unemployed, drug addicted,cheating lying *******.
Your wife still preferred him to you.
And you are contemplating taking her back?
Until next time?
Dude.......


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## OnTheFly

Please be honest, you are NOT over her, like you claim. Nobody would voluntarily put themselves through the roller coaster ride you're advocating for someone they are over. What you just went through will be a repeated pattern for as long as you allow, if you're fine with that, go for it. If not, don't take her back. As other's have advised, sort yourself out first. Altruism only goes so far in a relationship.


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## TJW

sunsetmist said:


> Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?


Guess what ?? This is exactly what will happen. As far as "helping" her, it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Go on with your life, find a decent, morally-upright woman to share it with. Let your XW fix herself.



Frazier32 said:


> So basically I don’t have any need for my wife.


Correct.



Frazier32 said:


> I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way.


Correct again.



Frazier32 said:


> My wife literally needs me.


Not correct. What your wife NEEDED was a set of parents who taught her RIGHT from WRONG. Unfortunately, she didn't have that. The time when someone could be your wife's "parent" is quite over. She now makes her own decisions and follows her own moral compass. And, her moral compass is askew.

You will not be able to "lead" your wife into a wholesome life. This is completely in the realm of God and His abilities. It is beyond what men can do.

Just worry about yourself, and your own life. There are no "pros" for you in this marriage. Only "cons".


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## stro

There are no pros. You will be reliving the same scenario again when she finds another man that interests her more than you. It’s not like she left this amazing man because she had an epiphany that you mean so much more than him. She realized he was a loser drug addict and now YOU were the more viable option. AKA you are now forever plan B.

You don’t owe her anything. Your wife made a choice. She chose horribly. Let her suffer the consequences of her choice. If the other woman makes you happy go be with her and enjoy your life.


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## the guy

Your nuts!!!

There are no pros in taking her back.

Why;
#1 she is the same old lady that left you.
#2 the risk of her cheating again is a given.
#3 she has done nothing in affair proofing any of her next relationships.
#4 she is not marriage material.
#5 she would make a good FWB cus she is easy but you know you could never take her home to meet the parents (again) kind of girl.
#6 she seems to bring out the worst in you...like depression.
#7 do you really want to take a risk on a proven emotionally unhealthy partner?
#8 don't go through this shyt again...you know you will!
#9 she doesn't need you she needs a shrink.

I'm all for recycling but...….
YOU ARE ASKING FOR TROUBLE IF YOU TAKE HER BACK WITH OUT HER ABUSE ISSUES BEING ADDRESSED BY A PROFESSIONAL!!


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## hinterdir

Wife had sex with another man. Never stay with anyone who did that. Why in the hell would you ever want to touch her again?


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## colingrant

Frazier32 said:


> So I feel like I’m in the hardest position I’ve ever been in. So a little while back I made a post asking whether I should fight for my marriage or not, because my wife was cheating on me with someone else. Basically what ended up happening was that she was talking to some guy behind my back for about a month, she abandoned me, moved in which a friend within a 2 weeks notice (*because she really wanted to pursue a relationship with him*), pretty much ditching our marriage. I was under a depression for some time. I tried to take her to marriage counseling which she wouldn’t go to, and she told me repeatedly she absolutely doesn’t want me regardless of what I do. She told me that she wanted to be with this other guy she met.
> 
> Well that plan of hers folded within weeks (which felt really good). Come to find out he was lying to her about literally everything. He told her he was in the military, that he was single and lived alone (she went to his house and *cheated once*). He pretty much lied about his entire life. Come to find out he was married, had no job or job experience. Was literally a drug addict, and was hiding his wife’s clothes in a duffel bag when my wife would go over there. Long story short, it didn’t work out.
> 
> Now after the minor depression, and being completely over my wife (we didn’t finalize our divorce) she realized exactly what she had. She called me crying repeatedly about how she screwed up. She assured me that all she wants is for me to be happy, even if it’s with another woman. I believe there far from the truth, because she also said that she 100% wants our marriage back. I’ve started talking with another woman who makes me very happy, but now that my wife wants to come back I’m at a stand still.
> 
> My family absolutely hates my wife, and my family is very big and we are very close. Many of them took off of work to be around me when I was going through the split. So I know that’ll take a very long time to heal those wounds with them if they ever do heal. I’m over my wife, so I have no problem moving forward myself, and I started talking to a new woman that makes me happy. So basically I don’t have any need for my wife.
> 
> The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me.
> 
> I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


Glad you opted to solicit objective opinion before wagging your tail gleefully while she humbly asks to her Plan B (you) safety net to return, since her Plan A test drive revealed unmistakable mechanical issues. 

First, understand, she didn't cheat just once. Although once is more than enough, it wasn't just once. That's the cheater's minimized version. It's the less shameful version. It's the 'I'm a cheater, but not a real bad cheater' version. 

Second, here's a key factor to consider in your decision making. Remember if her boyfriend was half of who she thought he was, you wouldn't even have an opportunity to be with her again. Let that sink in for a second. The ONLY reason she desperately seeks to return is not because of you. It's because of what Plan A wasn't. Had NOTHING to do with you. Very important fact here. 

Third, you have to first and foremost protect you and your interests. Period. Your wife does not have your best interests at heart until options aren't there anymore. This isn't what you want in a spouse. So if you're over your wife, proceed with the divorce. Tell her you'll consider her if you don't find someone who is more faithful and loving than she has shown. This is about you, not her. 

Fourth, your realization of her needing a good man is a dangerous one for you. Your willingness to be her knight in shining armor, will open the door to you having to be the fix it guy. Not just in this relationship, but others as well. You can help fix her, but you don't have to be married to her to do so. Find someone who is good for you, not just you being good for her. Get a real spouse and help your wife from a phone call distance, if your new significant other is involved and approves it. 

This is a pivotal point in your life. Your choice will determine your future happiness. I wouldn't leave your heart in the hands of your current wife. The coldness and swiftness of her departure takes a special type of evil. I don't care how difficult her background is, she was pure evil. Life his hard by itself. No need on making it harder by making an unwise choice here.


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## TJW

stro said:


> AKA you are now forever plan B.


Correct. Sorry, but true.


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## sokillme

Frazier32 said:


> The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me.
> 
> I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


This is called codependency. Go get some counseling, as your choice seems very clear. Knights and shining armor end up getting killed.


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## colingrant

I forgot to add. There are a number of jobs out there to satiate your desire to help people of need. You do not have to be married to them. Your wife gave you an unbelievable "get out of jail free" card, and you're essentially removing your jail uniform and ready to walk out through that gate for the last time. Don't look back my friend. You are nearly freed of a life of turbulence. Marriage is intended to be better than that. Your KISA character trait, is admirable, but you have to channel it properly. Social worker, volunteering, etc. are outlets for you. 

Do not marry so that you can be the fix it guy. Divorce, then steer her towards professional help. In fact, you can tell her after the divorce, you'll consider her if she does, this, this and this. Establish a checklist for her. If she can check off the list with flying colors (while you are DIVORCED) then, tell her you will continue to evaluate her as you date others, to determine her being a safe partner or not. You have no skin in the game here. It's all on her, as you'd be detached and living your life with a somewhat more appropriate wife candidate. 

In this scenario, you ARE HELPING HER. You helping her should never be on the condition of being married. In fact, it's better for her if she is capable of being emotionally strong without you. If she's only strong with you, then you aren't really helping her. It's really just helping you and your reliance of co-dependency. You have to seriously evaluate your own emotional needs here as well.


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## aine

The answer is a no brainier. If it had worked out with the OM, you would be dust. Don’t waste your time, move on.


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## FalCod

The best thing you can do for your wife is to divorce her and make her pay the full cost of her actions. That's the only thing that will help her learn that her actions have consequences. If you take her back, she'll cheat on you again and again. If you leave her, maybe she'll learn and there is a chance that she'll be faithful to the next guy. For her sake, divorce her.

For your sake, this is easy. You deserve much better than her.


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## TDSC60

aine said:


> The answer is a no brainier. If it had worked out with the OM, you would be dust. Don’t waste your time, move on.


100% correct and you know this.

She bought into his lies 100%. She told you she was done with you and it drove you to deep depression. She wanted another man because he sounded better than the reality she had. She was shopping for your replacement and bought a lemon. If it had not turned out to be all lies, she would still be gone.

You want to be the hero, her savior. She does not deserve that. 

You are conflicted because of the Mr. Fixit mentality and most likely don't want to admit your marriage was a failure. IT WAS HER FAILURE, not yours.

Get the divorce.

You also need some therapy to learn how to live alone and not depend on someone else to "make" you happy.


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## Tatsuhiko

If the other guy had been what he painted himself to be, she'd still be with him. So what happens when she finds a new guy that fits the bill? We already know she's the type that likes to shop for one. Sure, she likes financial security like the rest of us, but that's not the foundation of a relationship. 

I would divorce her. At that point you can still live with her or take care of her in any way you please. She gave up the marriage--make her live up to her decision. You can always bail immediately when she pulls this stunt again.

You asked for the pros: You'll have a slave for a while, until she finds another arrangement that suits her better.


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## Andy1001

To put it crudely your wife had her ass in the air,found who she thought was Mr right and you got your marching orders.
Mr right turned out to be Mr not quite right but would you believe it,she rediscovers her love for you.
You must feel like you won the lottery!
Problem is her ass is still in the air.


----------



## bluelily

You are her safety net, her plan B, her stable guy when she's off swinging with some bad boy. You deserve better than this OP.
Ask yourself this, if the man were exactly who he told he was, if the other grass is green, would she got back to you ? Probably not.

Be with someone who love, cherish, respectful and loyal to you. Don't settle for less


----------



## BluesPower

bluelily said:


> You are her safety net, her plan B, her stable guy when she's off swinging with some bad boy. You deserve better than this OP.
> Ask yourself this, if the man were exactly who he told he was, if the other grass is green, would she got back to you ? Probably not.
> 
> Be with someone who love, cherish, respectful and loyal to you. Don't settle for less


This 100%. You are nothing to her but a soft place to land. A chump that will take care of her, that is it.

Finalize the divorce and move on...


----------



## Knips

The big question. Is she coming back to you because her love for you or is she coming back because she is lonely now because she (the cheater) has been cheated on by her affair partner. Dude, she is seeking comfort because she is hurt by her affair partner. You are her plan B until a new plan A comes by. If you take her back prepare yourself, she will cheat again.


----------



## sa58

Really she needs you ?
In a marriage isn't she suppose to love you ?
Sounds like she has serious issues from way before 
you. She has problems picking good people and men.
She will drag you down with her if you give her the chance.
If you are over her move on. Find someone who loves
you and can survive on their own. Non dependent on you but 
a life partner. 

Everyone here has given you outstanding advise.
Listen to it and have a great and happy life.
Ignore it and have a long hard life. She has to many 
problems/issues. Your choice/ your life

If you treated her great and she left you.
What makes you think she will change ?


----------



## OutofRetirement

Frazier32 said:


> I feel like I’m in the hardest position I’ve ever been in.
> 
> she told me repeatedly she absolutely doesn’t want me regardless of what I do. She told me that she wanted to be with this other guy she met.
> 
> Come to find out he was married, had no job or job experience. Was literally a drug addict, and was hiding his wife’s clothes.
> 
> all she wants is for me to be happy, even if it’s with another woman. I believe there far from the truth, because she also said that she 100% wants our marriage back. I’ve started talking with another woman who makes me very happy, but now that my wife wants to come back I’m at a stand still.
> 
> *My family absolutely hates my wife, and my family is very big and we are very close. Many of them took off of work to be around me when I was going through the split. So I know that’ll take a very long time to heal those wounds with them if they ever do heal.* She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That *cares about her 10x more than I did myself*. I told her that she would never find that.
> 
> I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


The pros:
1. You want your wife back. Maybe it is a subconscious or semiconscious thought that you want to "win" her back.
2. You profess that you want to be a knight in shining armor and save your wife from herself. You feel good saving a damsel in distress.

The cons:
1. Despite caring about your wife 10x more than any other man in her life ever, she flushed you like a turd in a toilet bowl. Clearly, if she had been so abused by every other man, she should have at least treated you a little better in the process. She wasn't even confused. Hey, I understand changing your mind. I thought I wanted to go out tonight, but I changed my mind and stayed in the house instead. But to change the one who cared about me 10x more than any other person in my life ever? Change to not one that person, burn the bridges, and then a couple weeks later go in the opposite direction? Your wife clearly is not able to know how she will feel a week or two from now. So, if you take her back, despite her assertions, you know it is only a week or two away, that she might once again change her mind, and tell you, I don't want you in my life again.

2. You are asking strangers for advice, but your family loves you. I would put a lot of weight on what they said. They know much more about YOU and YOUR WIFE and all of the circumstances in your and her lives. They will be giving advice based on LOVE for you, and they know more about it. Talk to them about it, tell them your reasons, ask them for pros and cons.

3. I have great compassion for your wife. I am taking you at your word, that she has had a terrible life before meeting you. No doubt being abused and unloved even by those close to you does a terrible number on you. But it seems she is broken, at least damaged, and the part of her that doesn't work, and needs fixing, is LOVE and LOYALTY. Maybe that is what was damaged in her life to this date. I truly seriously doubt that you are the person who can fix that. I do believe that you will be able to be a punching bag for her, and eventually a martyr. But not a fixer.

4. If you could fix her, why didn't you already do it before she cheatred? If she is a long-term project, and you need years fixing her, what will happen the next time, when the guy is not a pathological liar and sociopath? Next time when the guy is just a confused bumbler? Your wife will be with the guy much longer, maybe years, before she moves on from that. And what if you have children with her by then?

5. You get to decide. I think the posters here, their lives won't be affected whether you go be with your wife or you leave your wife. I think your family might be affected. I think your family loves you. You should talk to them.


----------



## Rob_1

I don't understand. Do you have some sort of brain damage that makes you unable to comprehend that you've been tossed aside like a piece of garbage, and now that she ****ed herself up, she's crawling back because you're her default plan B Beta man, and automatic cash machine? 

Do you have any self respect?
Do you have self-esteem issues that make you want to act this pitiful?

Please, look at the big picture, not at the particular scene you have in front of you.

Do not give her a thought, do not entertain any ideas with her. Keep developing the relationship that you just started to see where it's going, or do not date at all until you have a clear picture in your brain of you being confident that you have in hands your own destiny/happiness, but for the love of god do not take her back.


----------



## The Middleman

I read your opening post and it actually made me angry! It's beyond me why you would ever entertain the thought of taking her back. She ****ing dumped you, allowed herself to become a cum dump for some *******, and when she gets kicked to the curb by the player, she comes back to her Plan B. Don't be stupid man. Maintain your integrity and continue move forward. She is noting but a used scum bucket and you don't need her.


----------



## Openminded

What pros? You're Plan B. She would not have given you a second thought ever again had Plan A worked out. 

You can't save her from herself. Look how that's played out so far. 

Move on -- or pay the price down the road if you take her back.


----------



## GusPolinski

FFS man, find some self respect and ditch the skank.

Geez.


----------



## Decorum

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago.
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant.
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


Frazier, Frazier, Frazier,
You cannot be her 
psychiatrist.

Marriage is intended to be a committed relationship where two reasonably healthy people purpose to, as much as possible, meet each others needs, provide a platform for growth, and a foundation for raising a family.

It is not meant to be a lifetime commitment to fixing a broken, lying, faithless, manipulative and wayward individual.

What are you thinking?

Here is an active thread, he has proof of her infidelity, yet, as you can see, she says she never cheated, at least not physically. LOL.

This is one of the most common lies we see here.

You should read this thread and others here. Click on the little chevron and it will tale you there.


FloridaGuy123 said:


> My wife texted me, which I find bizarre because you'd think her lawyer would tell her not to. Not sharing all of the text, but my wife said that she _"didn't cheat on me, well, not physically at least."_
> 
> I've surmised that this is her pre-emptive response to realizing I've seen the bank statements that show her spending time in <the other city>. _"Yeah, but we didn't DO anything"._ It's hilarious because I don't know a straight man on Earth who would be interested in spending the day just talking with some other guy's wife.
> 
> My lawyer filed a motion for a temporary hearing and attached, as exhibits, explicit evidence of the affair, or as he calls it, proof of the affair. That should be a fun day, the day she realizes that I have everything.
> 
> She also told me she is going to throw out my stuff if I don't come get it this week. (she's already locked me out of the house and changed the locks). Obviously she lacks the legal grounds to do either of these. I grabbed everything sentimental already.
> 
> I have about $15k worth of clothes in there. So if she does throw it out, that's added to the complaint.
> 
> Her insane control freak nature is really coming to the front of her being now


You already know you will be happier without her. 

It's not your job to fix her.

She left the marriage.

You can no longer trust anything she says. You have to try to "tell" if she is lying.

She didnt want you, this will likely happen again. She does not have the inner happiness that is required to succeed and be loyal in a relationship.

All words aside, this is what you know from her actions.

Plus she is showing no, absolutely no remorse in trying to get back with you.

Put aside your "Knight in Shinning Armor" syndrome and move on.

You will garner no respect or loyalty from her for being the chump who accepts her back.

Live well!


----------



## Thor

She sounds like a deeply damaged person due to the abuse. Unless she gets good therapy and works hard at it, she will remain the exact same person as she has been. Which means she will be capable of affairs and of abandoning you at any moment. She will make really bad decisions, and she will pick other men who are losers that will just use her.

You are not her therapist and never can be. You can't fix her, and you can't save her. Your Knight in Shining Armor (KISA) complex is harmful to you.

I would not recommend continuing the marriage with her, but that's just my opinion based on the little bit you've written here.


----------



## skerzoid

Frazier32 said:


> I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


*Pro* - She will give you crazy sex for a little while (Hysterical Bonding).

*Con* - Was he an intravenous drug user? I wouldn't touch her with a ten for pole.

*Pro* - You will feel good for helping her.

*Con* - You will feel bad when it doesn't make any difference (She's mental and probably incurable).

*Pro* - By doing a ton of work to save your marriage, you will develop yourself.

*Con* - After doing a ton of work on the marriage, and she doesn't really change, you will go into depression again.

*Pro's* - Can't think of any more.

*Con's* - Too many to count.


----------



## Diana7

Even if she has had an abusive past its no excuse to cheat. She had a man who loved her and a good marriage, yet she choose to blow something she had that was good. I think she is afraid that she will be alone, and if she really wanted you to be happy, then she would let you go.


----------



## EleGirl

@Frazier32

I merged your two threads because they are on essentially the same topic and both are active. You will get better responses with one thread on a topic.


----------



## arbitrator

Frazier32 said:


> I’ll try to make this as short as possible.
> 
> I’ll start off with our background. We are both 24 years old. Exactly a month apart in age. We started dating at age 19. Moved in together at age 21. Engaged and married at 22. I’ve noticed throughout our relationship that we are completely different when it comes to it. I always put her and our marriage first. I don’t mind being depressed or getting the short end of the stick to make her happy. She tries to makes me happy as well when possible, but if it came down to her happiness or mine, without a doubt she’s not willing to give up what makes her happy.
> 
> 
> Getting straight to the story, our marriage isn’t really bumpy at all, and weve never taken any breaks, or had any conflicts that would lead to huge arguments or divorce. We’ve never been apart for more than maybe 12-16 hours in our 5 years of being together.
> 
> My marriage seemed to be going very fine until around May 21st about a month ago. That day she turned extremely cold to me. No more calls on lunch breaks, and work breaks like always. No more venting to me about her problems at work. No more cooking dinner together and tv together. Just her in the room, just wanting alone time.
> 
> I didn’t think much of it at first but 3 days later I asked her why she’s been cold lately, and is there anything I’m doing differently that’s setting her off. She replied “I honestly don’t think we’re a good match. I was gonna tell you this Saturday (which is about 5 days after she first went cold)”. She then told me she planned to move with her mom and start a new life without me.
> 
> I immediately tried to fix problems that were never problems in the past. I tried to do anything in my power to make things work, and even began pleading for her to give the marriage another chance. After a couple of days went by she finally agreed to give it another chance.
> 
> Well for the next week “another chance” to her meant still not call on breaks, still not do our normal activities together at home, etc.... inevitably leading to the same lecture to me the next weeekend that she wanted out.
> 
> The day after she said she wanted out, she said she wants to give it one last chance. She said she didn’t want arguing, problems, and just wanted to be happy and have fun. I have her exactly that. No arguments for the entire week straight. I held my tongue through some minor disagreements thinking this would make her happy. She followed her same routine of being distant
> 
> Well the following weekend which was last this weekend that just passed. She said she found a roommate to move in with, and she’s going to meet her today. Yes a complete stranger, and if things go wel she moves in a week from then.
> 
> I spent the rest of the day depressed (still am), she cried a few times after coming to her decision. Then that night she finally admitted that the reason she wanted to leave wasn’t because of me or my problems. It was that she feels she’s young and hasn’t experienced life, and that marriage can be holding her back from that.
> 
> The next day comes around which was 2 days ago, she said after thinking carefully she doesn’t wanna live with a stranger. She says it’s too much, and she’s scared the possibly things can go wrong and she’s very fearful of it. So she wants to stay with me. But not as a couple.
> 
> Finally yesterday comes by and I gameplanned a last plea for my marriage. After talking for 20 minutes straight she responded with “honestly, I wouldn’t want to be married even if everything in our marriage was perfect. I don’t want the responsibility of a husband. I want to be free.
> 
> I then confronted her about a text I seen earlier to some man (I’ll use he name James). And asked her who is he and if she wanted to be with him. She told me she eventually wanted to be with him. I then asked why wouldn’t you want a husband, but want him, then her response changed to “honestly I might not even want him”
> 
> I guess my question is should I continue to fight, contact her still ( we haven’t been talking). Or any advice would help. Thanks. I truly miss my old wife and my old life.


*There's nothing lonelier than loving someone who doesn't give a crap about and/or is deceptively cheating on their wedding vows with you!

Painful as it is, you deserve far better out of life than that! Let her go, and tell her not to let the door hit her in her cheating a$$ on the way out!*


----------



## Kamstel

Can’t think of a single pro in taking her back

At best you will be Plan B. But how long until she finds a new Plan A and dumps you again?


At the very least finalize the divorce.

You said that you are over her, don’t look back!


----------



## Kamstel

Quote:
“Finally yesterday comes by and I gameplanned a last plea for my marriage. After talking for 20 minutes straight she responded with “honestly, I wouldn’t want to be married even if everything in our marriage was perfect. I don’t want the responsibility of a husband. I want to be free.”





If you have any feeling for her at all, give her the gift that she wants most of all; her freedom!


----------



## jlg07

" I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me. "

But SHE DIDN'T put YOU first. HER issues are HERS -- NOT yours to solve. Her needing you is actually YOU having strong co-dependency. She FIRED you from taking care of her when she went off to boff the POSOM. YOUR job is to make sure that YOU become stronger, learn from these mistakes (do NOT become a Mr. fixit -- you are not trained for this and are NOT responsible for her any more), and move forward. She is not remorseful, just upset that her plans fell through and she was taken advantage of. She's back for "comfort food" -- but NOT you, just the situation.

Please take care of YOURSELF first. SHE caused this, SHE decided to cheat, SHE is 100% at fault for this, NOT you. NOT your job to correct or fix it. If you want to be in this situation again in a few months or years, get back with her and get hurt even worse.


----------



## GusPolinski

Frazier32 said:


> Thank you to everyone who posted. I wanted to tell you that my wife text me telling me that she never had a physical affair, though she made plans and talked to the guy about their future. Which I see as an emotional affair. She claims that her being cold on and off over the past 4.5 weeks was she sees her friends single lives and they look extremely enjoyable, but she wanted to give the relationship a shot even when she felt there was nothing left, because I’m her husband and she owed it to me. Also she said she didn’t start talking to him until a week ago.
> 
> Only thing I don’t understand if this is true is why when she wanted another shot, when things were going well she still planned a life without me. And when she said she wants to try again, she just stays distant.
> 
> She also said she actually was going to her friends house. (Which is something I believe, becuase my wife isn’t much of a sexual person to begin with. She can go 6 months without sex With no problem. It’s not me though she said I’m the first person to ever give her an orgasm.) And has yet to meet up with “James” they’ve just been texting. And he’s a guy she went to high school with.
> 
> Regardless of al of this information I’ve came to terms with it all. And talking to friends and family about it makes me feel a lot better. If our marriage doesn’t work out I have big plans to focus on myself over the next year or so before I think about dating again. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!


NEWSFLASH!!!

She’s lying.

****ing DUH.


----------



## ABHale

Frazier32 said:


> So I feel like I’m in the hardest position I’ve ever been in. So a little while back I made a post asking whether I should fight for my marriage or not, because my wife was cheating on me with someone else. Basically what ended up happening was that she was talking to some guy behind my back for about a month, she abandoned me, moved in which a friend within a 2 weeks notice (because she really wanted to pursue a relationship with him), pretty much ditching our marriage. I was under a depression for some time. I tried to take her to marriage counseling which she wouldn’t go to, and she told me repeatedly she absolutely doesn’t want me regardless of what I do. She told me that she wanted to be with this other guy she met.
> 
> Well that plan of hers folded within weeks (which felt really good). Come to find out he was lying to her about literally everything. He told her he was in the military, that he was single and lived alone (she went to his house and cheated once). He pretty much lied about his entire life. Come to find out he was married, had no job or job experience. Was literally a drug addict, and was hiding his wife’s clothes in a duffel bag when my wife would go over there. Long story short, it didn’t work out.
> 
> Now after the minor depression, and being completely over my wife (we didn’t finalize our divorce) she realized exactly what she had. She called me crying repeatedly about how she screwed up. She assured me that all she wants is for me to be happy, even if it’s with another woman. I believe there far from the truth, because she also said that she 100% wants our marriage back. I’ve started talking with another woman who makes me very happy, but now that my wife wants to come back I’m at a stand still.
> 
> My family absolutely hates my wife, and my family is very big and we are very close. Many of them took off of work to be around me when I was going through the split. So I know that’ll take a very long time to heal those wounds with them if they ever do heal. I’m over my wife, so I have no problem moving forward myself, and I started talking to a new woman that makes me happy. So basically I don’t have any need for my wife.
> 
> The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me.
> 
> I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


You are to weak as a man to guide your ex wife. 

She walked all over you and she will do it again if given the chance.


----------



## [email protected]

Frazier, to take her back will be one of your life mistakes. Give her her walking papers.


----------



## Wazza

What makes you think you can in any way help her? What are you going to do?


----------



## Kamstel

Is she still saying that nothing physical happened?

Polygraph her!!!!!


----------



## oldtruck

Divorce her
she is broken and never will get fixed
you need a woman that will put you first as you will do for her


----------



## Kamstel

Old truck is absolutely correct


Not you circus, not your monkey


----------



## Evinrude58

She is telling the truth. She never has sex with another man, loves Her husband dearly.
She just needs another chance to prove herself to Frazier.

Why is everyone so down on this woman?

She could be telling the truth.

I’d say there’s at least as good of a chance she didn’t bang the guy, as me winning the 375 million mega lottery next Tuesday.

Well, maybe not quite that good of a chance.


----------



## BobSimmons

Frazier32 said:


> So I feel like I’m in the hardest position I’ve ever been in. So a little while back I made a post asking whether I should fight for my marriage or not, because my wife was cheating on me with someone else. Basically what ended up happening was that she was talking to some guy behind my back for about a month, she abandoned me, moved in which a friend within a 2 weeks notice (because she really wanted to pursue a relationship with him), pretty much ditching our marriage. I was under a depression for some time. I tried to take her to marriage counseling which she wouldn’t go to, and she told me repeatedly she absolutely doesn’t want me regardless of what I do. She told me that she wanted to be with this other guy she met.
> 
> Well that plan of hers folded within weeks (which felt really good). Come to find out he was lying to her about literally everything. He told her he was in the military, that he was single and lived alone (she went to his house and cheated once). He pretty much lied about his entire life. Come to find out he was married, had no job or job experience. Was literally a drug addict, and was hiding his wife’s clothes in a duffel bag when my wife would go over there. Long story short, it didn’t work out.
> 
> Now after the minor depression, and being completely over my wife (we didn’t finalize our divorce) she realized exactly what she had. She called me crying repeatedly about how she screwed up. She assured me that all she wants is for me to be happy, even if it’s with another woman. I believe there far from the truth, because she also said that she 100% wants our marriage back. I’ve started talking with another woman who makes me very happy, but now that my wife wants to come back I’m at a stand still.
> 
> My family absolutely hates my wife, and my family is very big and we are very close. Many of them took off of work to be around me when I was going through the split. So I know that’ll take a very long time to heal those wounds with them if they ever do heal. I’m over my wife, so I have no problem moving forward myself, and I started talking to a new woman that makes me happy. So basically I don’t have any need for my wife.
> 
> The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me.
> 
> I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


You've been told the pros and cons. But good luck to you anyway.

Seriously you're going to need it.


----------



## MattMatt

Frazier32 said:


> So I feel like I’m in the hardest position I’ve ever been in. So a little while back I made a post asking whether I should fight for my marriage or not, because my wife was cheating on me with someone else. Basically what ended up happening was that she was talking to some guy behind my back for about a month, she abandoned me, moved in which a friend within a 2 weeks notice (because she really wanted to pursue a relationship with him), pretty much ditching our marriage. I was under a depression for some time. I tried to take her to marriage counseling which she wouldn’t go to, and she told me repeatedly she absolutely doesn’t want me regardless of what I do. She told me that she wanted to be with this other guy she met.
> 
> Well that plan of hers folded within weeks (which felt really good). Come to find out he was lying to her about literally everything. He told her he was in the military, that he was single and lived alone (she went to his house and cheated once). He pretty much lied about his entire life. Come to find out he was married, had no job or job experience. Was literally a drug addict, and was hiding his wife’s clothes in a duffel bag when my wife would go over there. Long story short, it didn’t work out.
> 
> Now after the minor depression, and being completely over my wife (we didn’t finalize our divorce) she realized exactly what she had. She called me crying repeatedly about how she screwed up. She assured me that all she wants is for me to be happy, even if it’s with another woman. I believe there far from the truth, because she also said that she 100% wants our marriage back. I’ve started talking with another woman who makes me very happy, but now that my wife wants to come back I’m at a stand still.
> 
> My family absolutely hates my wife, and my family is very big and we are very close. Many of them took off of work to be around me when I was going through the split. So I know that’ll take a very long time to heal those wounds with them if they ever do heal. I’m over my wife, so I have no problem moving forward myself, and I started talking to a new woman that makes me happy. So basically I don’t have any need for my wife.
> 
> The tricky part is that I kind of feel like I want my wife. The only reason being is because, after being with her for so long, I realized she needs a good man to guide her. She’s been used and abused her entire life by men, parents, family, etc... I’m the first guy she has ever met that puts her first. That cares about her 10x more than I did myself. I told her that she would never find that. And I know that if I let her go, she will lead a miserable life compared to my life. I know down the line she will be in relationship after relationship and house after house trying to find a way. My wife literally needs me.
> 
> I know most of you will automatically tell me to leave her based off of her leaving me with no remorse and leaving me in the dirt. But I’m just at a lost and I don’t know what to do. It’d be very helpful if you guys can give me the pros and cons. And not just the cons of this situation. Thank you everyone!


Your wife needs a psychiatrist, a Father Confessor, a guard, a guardian, a life guide, and a therapist. *However, you will notice that nowhere in that list is a @Frazier32.
*

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Shoutout to @Kamstel! 

Or as the Robot in Lost in Space would put it:


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## threelittlestars

Sounds like you are thinking of "WHITE KNIGHTING" it with her. (Very bad trait in relationships) 

You are supposed to be a good fit, not someone saving another.... This is not a good dynamic and will likely lead to you saving another poor soul in the future. You can feel pity, but are they a good match for you? Is your wife a good match for you? NOPE.... 

Honestly, you gave her EVERY opportunity to change course. She only changed when her ILLUSION shattered. She is not faithful, constant or true to your relationship. She did not respect you enough to be honest from the get go. she made it ALL YOUR FAULT for not being agreeable enough... 

She is SO NOT WORTH THE PAIN.


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## Malaise




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## drifting on

Frazier

You said you wanted pros and cons to your marriage and not just to hear to leave her. I might be reaching here, but it sounds like you are waiting for someone to tell you to take her back. That your marriage will recover and you will ride off into the sunset so very happy. That you will have saved your confused damsel from a life of hardships and instability. The knight in shining armor saved another fragile flower. I’m not going to list pros and cons, instead I’m going to list what is needed to reconcile a marriage. 

Transparency, any device she uses can and will be open to you at all times. What she does and with whom is discussed between you. No secrets, no privacy, the only place for privacy in a marriage is the restroom. That’s it.

Communication, everything is to be discussed between you both. If you can’t communicate without arguing you stop the conversation, revisit that conversation after you both have calmed down. Discuss it again to reach an amicable solution, sacrifices are made, but only for the good of the marriage, not for either of you personally. 

Therapy, you both need therapy for obvious reasons, you for your KISA and self respect issues. Once you learn to love and respect yourself can you then love another with love and respect. Your wife appears selfish from your posts, whether that’s true or not I don’t know. I don’t see it as selfish as much as I see it as very immature. The fact that she is so weak to wanting to be single because she thinks it’s more fun speaks volumes. What do you think will happen in twenty years when she has a midlife crisis? 

Reconciliation, yeah you saving her assures that your marriage will soon prosper gleefully. Just ride on in and be her hero, until you find out deep within yourself that this was the exact thing not to do. Reconciliation is some of the hardest work you will ever do. Deep reflection into yourself, your wife the same, then being vulnerable to each other to blend everything together. Your wife isn’t remorseful for her actions, she hasn’t been truthful about her actions, she most definitely isn’t working on trust. What you have is nothing, not one thing you need to reconcile. You truly don’t even know why she wants you or the marriage back, only that what she really wanted isn’t there anymore. 

So if you do be her knight in shining armor, what did she want? You presently, you forever, you because she loves you? Your heart is at a crossroads, your brain says move on and deal with the pain, but you don’t think you can live without her. You don’t think you will ever be happy again because of the pain you are currently in, you’ve already sacrificed your happiness, no reason to sacrifice your life too.


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## TDSC60

Only 24 years old!
Only about 2 years married.
And your wife wants, and takes her freedom to go after another man while still married.
She feels nothing for you and probably never did. You were OK until something she thought was better came along.

There should be no confusion here! Divorce and move on.


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## Sports Fan

Frazier, you don't need to save her. You need saving from yourself. Most of us here have been in your shoes and you are being played big time. You are coming across weak in a time when you need to show absolute strength.

Your wife has been banging James for a while now. Nobody suddenly leaves their house out of the blue to sleep at a girlfriends house. If she was truly unhappy she would of moved and slept in the spare room of your house.

She has been banging the drug addict non stop and has now potentially exposed you to who knows what diseases. I'm waiting for her to suddenly turn on the taps of sex and bang you silly in an attempt for you to rug sweep this charade once and for all.

Your comment about your wife not being a sexual person is moronic. Your wife is a sexual person very much like the rest of society. Unfortunately for whatever reason she is not a sexual person towards you.

Seperate all bank accounts do a 180 and kick her to the kerb. She only wants you back because Plan A did not work.


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## Trident

Frazier32 said:


> (she went to his house and cheated once).


How do you know it was once? Because she TOLD you?

If you do nothing else, open your eyes.


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## drifting on

How are you doing Frazier?


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## threelittlestars

I hope you did not take her back? The radio silence worries me.


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## Robert22205

Whatever you decide, you are not alone. How are you doing? Please check in and share so the next person can learn from your experience (good bad or whatever)...please share.


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## BarbedFenceRider

1. Stop paying her way. And no, she is NOT to live with you. She needs to go and "find herself". She is a failure as a person. She needs to get help professionally.

2. Hard 180. Start living for yourself and finding out what YOU want in a relationship. Not with her, but just a relationship. You will see that she isn't able to give you that.

3.File for divorce immediately. Make sure all finances are secured. Get your attorney on them now. If she is willing to go behind your back and STILL live with you, then she will not think twice of robbing you blind.

4. Make sure work is stable and get yourself into a gym. Works out the stress and kinks. Best advice I ever got! You are too young to let yourself go and waste another minute on a broken human. You have so much opportunity to find someone who is honest and trustworthy....


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## michzz

Sports Fan said:


> <<snip>>
> 
> Y_our comment about your wife not being a sexual person is moronic. Your wife is a sexual person very much like the rest of society. Unfortunately for whatever reason she is not a sexual person towards you._
> 
> Seperate all bank accounts do a 180 and kick her to the kerb. She only wants you back because Plan A did not work.


I agree 100%. I learned this the hard way. My ex-wife tried to convince me that her "urge" was so much less than my freakishly large urge for intimacy (according to her). 

In reality? She was getting it elsewhere.

It was a part of the cheater's script to act like I was the one with unreasonable "demands."

It's a way to to confuse you as to what is really going on.


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## hinterdir

Just read the OP from June for the first time. Wow, that has got to be the most immature, self-absorbed, childish, selfish person I've heard of in a long time. Take on wedding vows and then just decide, oh I want to be "free". 

I'll read on but I hope the OP just works on himself, seeks out friends, counseling, church....etc. for support and healing and just moves on. Choose more wisely next time. 

She a heartless, self absorbed flake.


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## MattMatt

threelittlestars said:


> I hope you did not take her back? The radio silence worries me.


Yes, @threelittlestars, I know where you are coming from. But @Frazier32 has to do what he feels is right for him, what he is comfortable with.


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