# Great marriage, unresolved issues.



## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

Hi everyone. This is my first time visiting these forums (read some great threads today). It's also my first time ever talking about these issues. With anyone. So I really appreciate any advice/feedback you can give. Also, be blunt, I have thick skin. I'm going to have a hard time organizing this, so please bear with me.

My husband and I married 2 years ago. This new years eve we'll have been together 4 years. Our marriage is pretty strong, but recently I've been plagued with doubts & unresolved issues.

I've dated quite a few people, and after breakups (especially if I was the one to get dumped) I always got quite depressed and missed them terribly, had obsessive thoughts about them. But they always went away, until now. 

Before my husband, my most significant relationship was with the guy I met in college. We dated for the last 2 years of school, but then we both moved apart to different cities. We tried the long distance thing, and there were some great moments, but it was rough. Eventually he found a new partner, strung us both along together for a while before dumping me. Him and that partner are now engaged.

On the night we officially called it off I ended the conversation saying "I wish that one day we'd get another chance to make it work, both living in the same city." He said something non-committal, trying to be "nice" (that was always his problem, trying to be "nice" which really just made it harder). I was inconsolably devastated. 

Two weeks later I met my current husband. I was really apprehensive about dating again after having so recently gotten out of a long relationship, but it was going really well, so I decided to not think about it too hard. After 9 months we moved in together. After a year and a half we got married. It's now 2 years after that. 

For the first year of so after the breakup, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. But I was falling in love with my husband. Eventually the obsessive thoughts faded, mostly. I still think about my ex and miss him sometimes. I hate to say it, but I still consider him probably the most attractive man I've ever seen. I really thought he'd be the one I'd marry.

I don't keep in touch with my ex at all. I hid him on Facebook so I wouldn't see his posts. But a year ago he messaged me and said he'd be in town, and he'd love to see me and we should get dinner. Of course tremendous emotions all flared up, but I'm an adult right? I needed to move on. So we agreed, and got dinner, and it was fine. He even used my name once when he really meant his partner. I felt sickeningly proud. He didn't even know he did it.

Another year since that, and he's back in town, and wants me and my husband to hang out with him and his partner for a night out. When he messaged me this time I had all the usual flare-ups of apprehension, anger, regret, and sadness. But I've agreed, and we're going to hang out tomorrow. Because it's something that makes me afraid, I should do it, right? Ignoring this problem isn't going to make it go away; it hasn't so far. But seeing him last year seems like it didn't help. 

I guess I should point out some of my flaws. I'm tremendously good at self-deception. I also carry grudges fiercely. Not that I have many them. The other big one is one kid from middle school. He used to harass me for being overweight every single day. Still, whenever I hear his name, I get filled with rage.

I realize that this is focusing a lot on my ex, and not my husband. And I'm not sure why that is. My husband and I love each other, have a lot in common, and our disagreements are rare, and only about minor things. 

I've never been one to talk about myself, and I've never had any therapy. Any advice, or questions you could ask, would help. I just want to move on from my ex, forgive and forget, and move on with my marriage. 

Thank you so much!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WHAT THE FVCK are you doing?

Seriously.

Do you want to destroy your marriage by keeping meeting up with this guy you are clearly not over or have feelings for?

How would you feel if your husband was doing this to you?

Choose your marriage or choose some dude you dated in the past who has also moved on.

Did your husband even know you met up with him before?

You felt "sickeningly proud?" Would you still feel that way if your husband found out that is how you felt?

Choices in life. We all make them.

Which one do you want to make?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Does your husband know how you feel about your ex or have you shielded him from the deep down truth? I'm thinking he wouldn't be in agreement in seeing this guy if he really knew how much turmoil you were in over him. 

Keeping this man ANYWHERE in your radar is bad for you. You won't be able to move on because there is contact. That's just the nuts and bolts of it. Go no contact and get into some counseling if you need to, but I think you owe your husband 100% of your heart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> Eventually he found a new partner, *strung us both along together for a while before dumping me.* Him and that partner are now engaged.


And you still like this guy?

Really?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Does your husband know how you feel about your ex or have you shielded him from the deep down truth?


My guess is he doesn't have a clue.

OP--this is BAD news. You hanging out or having any contact with this guy is BAD news to you, to your marriage, to this guy's engagement/fiance.

He has already shown you who he was when he cheated on her with you and you with her for nearly a year, stringing you both along and then dumping you.

Girl...just say no.

I am not meaning to sound offensive, so please do not take it that way. I can just see the forest through the trees and this has MOLOTOV c0ckTAIL written all over it. 

Pure devastation.

Nothing good will come from this.

Trust that.


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Did your husband even know you met up with him before?


Uhh, yes? He was with us the first night. Not the next day when the ex and I got lunch. But my husband knew. 



Jellybeans said:


> You felt "sickeningly proud?" Would you still feel that way if your husband found out that is how you felt?


Yes? I was proud that someone who dumped me still had feelings for me. It was petty, yes. I didn't say I was proud of my own pride. I was ashamed of it actually. But I'm trying to be honest here.

I feel like that was an awful lot of vitriol for no reason. Maybe this was a mistake.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And again...

Yet another example that getting over one person by getting under another one DOESN'T WORK. Emotional baggage gets dragged in from one person to the next.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> Uhh, yes? He was with us the first night. Not the next day when the ex and I got lunch. But my husband knew.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Again, sorry as I meant no harm and even went back to write about me not meaning to come across as offensive--sorry because my first post was way overly harsh. I do not mean any harm.

Stick around. You will get a lot of good info here.

We just have seen this over and over again. Check out the Coping with Infidelity section. This has the beginnings of what those threads start like.

It's an emotional affair, at minimum. 

Don't do it.

Don't do it!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> Uhh, yes? He was with us the first night. Not the next day when the ex and I got lunch. But my husband knew.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You asked for brutal honesty. You got it. Don't back away now...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you addicted to drama in your life? Is that why you are going down this road with the ex? You need to destabilize your life so that it's "exciting"? 



> Eventually he found a new partner, strung us both along together for a while before dumping me.


That is what you need to remember, and what is most important. He cheated on you. "Stringing you both along together for a while" = cheating on you. You should be as enraged by this as you are about the boy who used to bully you. It's equally as abusive. Your ex didn't think enough of you to be honest with you. Instead, he strung you along while dating someone else until he was ready to dump you. No way you should be in any kind of contact with him now. 

Let it go. Unless you are looking for a reason to hurt your husband and get divorced. This obsession with the married man isn't going to mean anything but destroying your relationship with your husband. Married man only sees you as the woman he cheated on and dumped 4 years ago after finding his true love, his wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> *Are you addicted to drama in your life?* Is that why you are going down this road with the ex? You need to destabilize your life so that it's "exciting"?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Everything that she said. :iagree::iagree::iagree:

She broke it down. This is Drama. This is pining after a man who dumped you cold after cheating on you.

My bet is he keeps you around for an ego boost. Does that suck? Yes, but what sucks more is you keep allowing it. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would have made it work.

And that is what this comes down to.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> Uhh, yes? He was with us the first night. Not the next day when the ex and I got lunch. But my husband knew.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You need to cancel your dinner and stop seeing or talking to this guy. You have a pattern of keeping one foot in the prior relationship and you need to stop doing that. You make this out to be a complicated emotional issue, but it really isn't. You already made a choice to marry someone else. Why aren't you owning your choice? You're acting like there's something "unresolved" here but there really isn't, except to the extent that YOU are refusing to resolve it. Resolve it by completely ending your relationship with the other guy and reminding yourself that you chose to marry your husband.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Your issue will remain unresolved because you keep picking the scab. This is all on you. Totally under your control. 

Do not see this guy. Do not allow this trigger to continue in you. It's not right. He's a guy who screwed you over, and you keep allowing him to have front row seats to see the mess he made of you. You think he doesn't KNOW he has this effect on you? Please.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The only way to move on from an Ex is to MOVE ON.

That means no contact. Ever.

Block him, change your number, say no, whatever it takes but do not under any circumstances talk to this man again.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Your issue will remain unresolved because you keep picking the scab. This is all on you. Totally under your control.
> 
> Do not see this guy. Do not allow this trigger to continue in you. It's not right. He's a guy who screwed you over, and you keep allowing him to have front row seats to see the mess he made of you. You think he doesn't KNOW he has this effect on you? Please.


Completely agree.

It's also highly disrespectful to your husband to keep bringing him into contact with this guy you are pining for. What if he kept taking you to dinner with his ex that he is still secretly pining for? Would you feel good about that? Would you feel respected, cherished and treasured?


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Just my own take, here...

One of THE biggest mistakes any person in a relationship can make is keeping an ex as a friend on facebook. Who cares if you hid him so that you wouldn't see his posts? You kept him there in the background; in your back pocket.

You have unresolved issues? Get counseling and don't go on dates with an ex you think is the "most attractive man I've ever seen" and you thought you'd be marrying. Woe betide your husband, should he ever get an inkling of this...

Forget about fire; you're playing with a bomb.

See a counselor to resolve your issues!

SH


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

norajane said:


> That is what you need to remember, and what is most important. He cheated on you. "Stringing you both along together for a while" = cheating on you.


I should have given more info here. When we split towns, we both agreed that we could see other people. So it wasn't cheating. 

Also, and you guys very may well be right and I'm deluding myself, but I don't think so. Im not looking to rekindle love with my ex. I'm looking for friendship. Sure, the relationship didn't work, but we have a ton in common and I think he's a good guy. I'm friends with all of my other exes, and I've never before had trouble shifting from love mode to friend mode (after enough time, of course). 

My only real problem is why has it been so difficult to do that this time?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

And for what? A little thrill of imagining that someone still finds you attractive? I think you don't realize the kind of risk of damage you are doing to your marriage. THAT'S why people are reacting strongly, because a lot of them have been there, either in your shoes, your husband's, or both.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> I should have given more info here. When we split towns, we both agreed that we could see other people. So it wasn't cheating.
> 
> Also, and you guys very may well be right and I'm deluding myself, but I don't think so. Im not looking to rekindle love with my ex. I'm looking for friendship. Sure, the relationship didn't work, but we have a ton in common and I think he's a good guy. I'm friends with all of my other exes, and I've never before had trouble shifting from love mode to friend mode (after enough time, of course).
> 
> My only real problem is why has it been so difficult to do that this time?


What difference does it make WHY? If it's a problem, get rid of the problem! You will be more likely to stop pining for him if you end contact with him. Why is it important to you to be friends with him? Why are you risking damage to your marriage for that? Where are your priorities?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Read the book Not Just Friends it will shed some light on your delusions. You CANNOT be friends with THIS ex. Period end of story.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Honey, he doesn't have feelings for you. He knows you were upset about him dumping you and decided to give you a shot to gauge whether you are still a possibility. He knows you are married and is interested in you as a potential side piece. In fact, I wouldn't assume that him using your name instead of his partners name was a mistake; I know someone that has done things like this to draw women in. No good can come from continued contact with him. Cancel your dinner plans and do not speak to him anymore. Focus on your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> I should have given more info here. When we split towns, we both agreed that we could see other people. So it wasn't cheating.
> 
> Also, and you guys very may well be right and I'm deluding myself, but I don't think so. Im not looking to rekindle love with my ex. I'm looking for friendship. Sure, the relationship didn't work, but we have a ton in common and I think he's a good guy. I'm friends with all of my other exes, and I've never before had trouble shifting from love mode to friend mode (after enough time, of course).
> 
> My only real problem is why has it been so difficult to do that this time?


You've admitted to getting a thrill and ego boost from this man, and you should be seeking that *only* from your husband.

I will never get the obsession that people with being friends with their ex, as if it means they're a great person. You've admitted that you're having a hard time moving on with this man, which is highly suggestive of future danger.

SH


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> Completely agree.
> 
> *It's also highly disrespectful to your husband to keep bringing him into contact with this guy you are pining for.* What if he kept taking you to dinner with his ex that he is still secretly pining for? Would you feel good about that? Would you feel respected, cherished and treasured?


Nailed it.

Fickle, seriously, consider that. How would YOU feel if your husband kept you and his secret-lady-friend-ex that he pines for? How would you feel sitting across dinner from that?

Does he know you guys used to date? That you considered him a big love in your life? 




sh987 said:


> You kept him there in the background; in your back pocket.
> 
> 
> Forget about fire; you're playing with a bomb.


:iagree:



Fickle45 said:


> I should have given more info here. When we split towns, we both agreed that we could see other people. So it wasn't cheating.


So why did you say he strung both YOU and her along together for a YEAR. A freakin year! That is a long time! 



Fickle45 said:


> Also, and you guys very may well be right and I'm deluding myself, but I don't think so. Im not looking to rekindle love with my ex.* I'm looking for friendship*.


Nope.

This doesn't match this:



Fickle45;5514521
Before my husband said:


> my most significant relationship[/B] was with the guy I met in college. We dated for the last 2 years of school, but then we both moved apart to different cities. We tried the long distance thing, and there were some great moments, but it was rough. Eventually he found a new partner, strung us both along together for a while before dumping me. Him and that partner are now engaged.
> 
> On the night we officially called it off *I ended the conversation saying "I wish that one day we'd get another chance to make it work, both living in the same city." *He said something non-committal, trying to be "nice" (that was always his problem, trying to be "nice" which really just made it harder).* I was inconsolably devastated. *
> 
> ...


This, what you are describing, is NOT 'friendship' as you said.

This has DANGER written all over it.


I'm friends with all of my other exes, and I've never before had trouble shifting from love mode to friend mode (after enough time, of course). 

Another reason why this guy is bad news. What is so different about him from your exes? Because you can't put in the FRIEND category, that's why! You have feelings for him!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> I should have given more info here. When we split towns, we both agreed that we could see other people. So it wasn't cheating.
> 
> Also, and you guys very may well be right and I'm deluding myself, but I don't think so. Im not looking to rekindle love with my ex. I'm looking for friendship. Sure, the relationship didn't work, but we have a ton in common and I think he's a good guy. I'm friends with all of my other exes, and I've never before had trouble shifting from love mode to friend mode (after enough time, of course).
> 
> My only real problem is why has it been so difficult to do that this time?


This is the ONE ex you CAN'T be friends with. Can you accept that? Doesn't sound like it. You haven't made the shift with this one... doesn't matter WHY that is, you haven't.

Cut it off.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If anyone on CWI is curious about how EA's start, I'd point them to this thread.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sh987 said:


> I will never get the obsession that people with being friends with their ex, as if it means they're a great person.


Me, too!


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

sh987 said:


> You've admitted to getting a thrill and ego boost from this man, and you should be seeking that *only* from your husband.
> 
> I will never get the obsession that people with being friends with their ex, as if it means they're a great person. You've admitted that you're having a hard time moving on with this man, which is highly suggestive of future danger.
> 
> SH


I didn't "seek out" that thrill. I didn't want it to happen.

Also, it's not an "obsession". In general, I'm friends with all my other exes because because we became involved for a reason. We hold each other in high regard, enjoy each other's company, and have a lot in common. That doesn't seem like an obsession to me.

Honestly I had no idea that was so unusual.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

John Lee said:


> If anyone on CWI is curious about how EA's start, I'd point them to this thread.


Right? It's EA 101. And the sad thing is, it seems to be mostly one-sided.


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> This is the ONE ex you CAN'T be friends with. Can you accept that? Doesn't sound like it. You haven't made the shift with this one... doesn't matter WHY that is, you haven't.
> 
> Cut it off.


Ok. That makes sense. I can accept it even though I can't understand it. 

I'll cancel the plans. 

But then how do I resolve it? Tell him I'd never like to hear from him again and hope it resolves itself? Should I tell my husband about this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> I didn't "seek out" that thrill. I didn't want it to happen.


But you CHOSE to go to dinner with him the first time. So you did seek t hat out. 



Fickle45 said:


> Also, it's not an "obsession". In general
> 
> And you used the word "obsession" when talking about him in your original post!





Fickle45 said:


> I'm friends with all my other exes because because we became involved for a reason. We hold each other in high regard, enjoy each other's company, and have a lot in common. That doesn't seem like an obsession to me.
> 
> Honestly I had no idea that was so unusual.


You will be hard-pressed to find a lot of people who would be so happy about their wives being awesome friends with their exes. Especially the one who she thinks got away...

I'm just saying. 

Where is *Entropy3000*? He needs to come in and drop some EA 2x4s in this thread.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Yep, the one you thought you would marry that dumped you instead doesn't go in the friend category. You CAN'T be friends with this one. You even said he was the most 'significant' relationship you've had besides your husband, you broke up and you were inconsolable. He's the most attractive man you've ever seen to boot??? 

Nope. Can't be this guys friend.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> I didn't "seek out" that thrill. I didn't want it to happen.
> 
> Also, it's not an "obsession". In general, I'm friends with all my other exes because because we became involved for a reason. We hold each other in high regard, enjoy each other's company, and have a lot in common. That doesn't seem like an obsession to me.
> 
> Honestly I had no idea that was so unusual.


You're arguing and rationalizing around the real point. It doesn't matter if you're usually friends with your exes or not. As long as you have any feelings for THIS one, you should not be having contact with him. You are married. You married someone else. Accept it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Fickle45 said:


> I'm friends with all of my other exes, and I've never before had trouble shifting from love mode to friend mode (after enough time, of course).


You can't be friends with this particular ex precisely because you never got over him and moved on. The only exes who can be friends are the ones who don't think of each other in any kind of romantic or sexual way anymore. 



> My only real problem is why has it been so difficult to do that this time?


Probably because you didn't want to break up with him and hoped you'd one day get back together. He had other plans. He's the one that "got away" in your mind. You are forgetting that he doesn't see you in the same way at all.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You can be friends with all the other ex's because they didn't have the pedestal placement this one had. You don't rank them in the same category.

Hell, your husband doesn't even get that placement... which you really need to think about. He's paling in comparison to the ex.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> Ok. That makes sense. I can accept it even though I can't understand it.
> 
> I'll cancel the plans.


Fickle,

I have been you before. I have been you. That is why I am so BLACK AND WHITE in my assessment of this situation. This is a grenade in your hand. You have a chance to throw it far away from you. 

If you say you accept it--great. But you say you cannot understand it. That is almost understandable, cause you haven't felt the full force of what that grenade will do once it blows up.

But I can assure you, it's like WWII damage on a village. 

Do NOT pass Go. 

As for resolving it: I would try to accept the fact that there may never be closure for you because of the fact that you do have feelings. You just need to tell yourself that you respect yourself a whole lot, and your husband, and your marriage, and you do not want to hurt anyway.

Tell this guy You can't meet up with him.

If he presses why just tell him you have plans with your husband so it's not a good idea.

Then limit your contact with him. COMPLETELY.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Fickle45 said:


> I didn't "seek out" that thrill. I didn't want it to happen.
> 
> Also, it's not an "obsession". In general, I'm friends with all my other exes because because we became involved for a reason. We hold each other in high regard, enjoy each other's company, and have a lot in common. That doesn't seem like an obsession to me.
> 
> Honestly I had no idea that was so unusual.


You said this ex was your "most significant relationship". That is another thing that makes him different from your other exes. Your other exes were not significant, in your own words, thus, it matters not whether you are friends or not.

If one of your other exes drifted away and you lost contact, you wouldn't care, right? You wouldn't obsessively begin thinking about him and trying to be friends, would you?

Don't fool yourself. The only reason you care about being "friends" with this guy is that you are pining for him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> But then how do I resolve it? Tell him I'd never like to hear from him again and hope it resolves itself? Should I tell my husband about this?


I think your husband deserves honesty, don't you? He'll probably be hurt by what you have to say, but he should know.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you want to play with fire, you sure are going to burn alot of people.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> Don't fool yourself. The only reason you care about being "friends" with this guy is that you are pining for him.


Yep. The sooner Fickle accepts that as her truth, the better for her.

All this denying and about it being "friendly" and how she doesn't see anything wrong with it is RATIONALIZATION.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> I didn't "seek out" that thrill. I didn't want it to happen.


At this stage, I'm going to point out that you said you're "tremendously good at self-deception".

-You kept this ex hidden on facebook. Your words, not mine.
-You felt "sickeningly proud" when he used your name instead instead of his current partner. Your words, not mine.

Maybe I'm crazy, but it sounds to me like you're getting something from this. If not, you wouldn't have kept him around.

Don't deceive yourself: you know you shouldn't be doing this. After all, you've gone through the trouble of signing up here and telling you're story. It's either that, or you came here looking for people to validate this. It's not like you've brought this up with your husband. Does he know about your past with this man? You're getting a rush from this, and you should only be seeking that sort of experience with your husband.



> Also, it's not an "obsession". In general, I'm friends with all my other exes because because we became involved for a reason. We hold each other in high regard, enjoy each other's company, and have a lot in common. That doesn't seem like an obsession to me.
> 
> Honestly I had no idea that was so unusual.


Sorry, I don't mean to characterize your situation as being an obsession, but mean to say that I will never understand people who keep exes in their life as some sort of badge of honour, as if to say "Look at what a big person I am."

Haven't we all seen the articles telling us what a bad idea it is to keep exes around on our friends list?

The world's FULL of people who swore they'd never cheat on their spouse but did it anyway.

SH


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell this guy You can't meet up with him.
> 
> If he presses why just tell him you have plans with your husband so it's not a good idea.
> 
> Then limit your contact with him. COMPLETELY.


Thanks for the help. You're right. And even in this short time I'm starting to understand it, not just accept it. 

However, I don't think I can lie about it. If I'm going to delete from Facebook, which I will, I have to tell him why. 

Also, I feel like I should tell some of this to my husband. I'm just not sure how much. I wouldn't feel right just telling him "Oh, I had to cancel our Friday plans." Also, he'll notice that I'm extremely stressed and agitated right now.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I think your husband deserves honesty, don't you? He'll probably be hurt by what you have to say, but he should know.


And on the plus side, no husband is going to be disappointed at not having to hang out with his wife's ex.


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

John Lee said:


> And on the plus side, no husband is going to be disappointed at not having to hang out with his wife's ex.


Also, we're all gay dudes. Guess I never stated that . But I guess it also shows how similar all relationships are that the issues are interchangeable.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> I guess I should point out some of my flaws. I'm tremendously good at self-deception.


You an expert so it would seem in deceiving yourself, choosing not to see that pursuing a friendship with this particular ex will be detrimental to your marriage. I think you do already know that deep down though, or you would not be here.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Fickle, I think that our culture encourages us to think about life as a romantic comedy fantasy, where there's always that chance that the person we're with isn't the one we "should" be with and the "one" is the "one that got away." This makes nice movies, but it's not really how life works. Relationships are not merely in the stars, they're cultivated. By continuing to see this guy, you're encouraging your feelings for him to grow back more. I think you want to find some deeper meaning in the fact that you have trouble letting go of him, but there isn't a deeper meaning. The relationship didn't work out, and it's even less likely to work out if it somehow starts up again. So let it go and move on.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> Also, we're all gay dudes. Guess I never stated that . But I guess it also shows how similar all relationships are that the issues are interchangeable.


NOPE. Doesn't matter. Doesn't change a thing. You can't be this ex's friend. Tell your husband. He'll understand and be happy NOT to participate in watching you fret over this other guy.


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Scratching my head as this sounds throllish:

"Be blunt, I have thick skin" to "didn't expect the responses to be so vitriol"

"He strung me & another along for a year & then dumped me" to "it wasn't cheating, he' a great & most attractive man I've known"

"I don't have issuses moving from lover to friend" but this has been going along for what 4 years & you have a husband & you're struggling to get past it.

Idk, just seems a bit back & forth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> Also, we're all gay dudes. Guess I never stated that . But I guess it also shows how similar all relationships are that the issues are interchangeable.


DOH! You should have stopped me when I said "GIRL" in one of my first posts to you.

But yes, you are right--gay/straight/whatever. The issue remains:

THIS DUDE IS BAD NEWS TO YOUR MARRIAGE!!! That and the advice doesn't change, no matter your sexuality. 

This guy needs to be out of your life/marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Fickle45 said:


> Also, we're all gay dudes. Guess I never stated that . But I guess it also shows how similar all relationships are that the issues are interchangeable.


Yes, trust, betrayal, honesty, integrity, deception...those all work the same no matter who the couple is.


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

Eden1973 said:


> Scratching my head as this sounds throllish:
> 
> "Be blunt, I have thick skin" to "didn't expect the responses to be so vitriol"


The first response I got was "*WHAT THE FVCK ARE YOU DOING?*" I have thick skin. That doesn't mean I feel its accepable to swear in all caps when answering a question.



Eden1973 said:


> "I don't have issues moving from lover to friend" but this has been going along for what 4 years & you have a husband & you're struggling to get past it.


Sorry, I thought i made it clear that "I don't have issues moving from lover to friend" was only applying to ALL of my past relationships. Obviously not this one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> The first response I got was "*WHAT THE FVCK ARE YOU DOING?*" I have thick skin. That doesn't mean I feel its accepable to swear in all caps when answering a question.


Lol. I take full credit for that being the very first response you ever received on TAM.

Thank you! ::Bows and curtsies and exits stage left::

But no seriously--I did not mean to offend. Which is why I posted that other response. I am sorry. It is just that some of these sitches get me super revved up. We just want to save your marriage


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## Eden1973 (Sep 9, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> Also, we're all gay dudes. Guess I never stated that . But I guess it also shows how similar all relationships are that the issues are interchangeable.


Lol, and this was "left out" in the initial post, really? Doesn't matter at all about the "gender" type relationship it is but why not mention it initially, lol, smh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Lol. I take full credit for that being the very first response you ever received on TAM.
> 
> Thank you! ::Bows and curtsies and exits stage left::
> 
> But no seriously--I did not mean to offend. Which is why I posted that other response. I am sorry. It is just that some of these sitches get me super revved up. We just want to save your marriage


Hah, apology definitely accepted. I really appreciate your help.

But as you can tell, I tend to get defensive, and I really didn't think it was fair to be called a hypocrite for getting offended at that after saying I have thick skin


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> I should have given more info here. When we split towns, we both agreed that we could see other people. So it wasn't cheating.
> 
> Also, and you guys very may well be right and I'm deluding myself, but I don't think so. Im not looking to rekindle love with my ex. I'm looking for friendship. Sure, the relationship didn't work, but we have a ton in common and I think he's a good guy. I'm friends with all of my other exes, and I've never before had trouble shifting from love mode to friend mode (after enough time, of course).
> 
> My only real problem is why has it been so difficult to do that this time?


From your original posts:



> I guess I should point out some of my flaws. I'm tremendously good at self-deception.


Okay, we got that.

Now onto you just wanting to be friends:



> On the night we officially called it off I ended the conversation saying "I wish that one day we'd get another chance to make it work, both living in the same city." He said something non-committal, trying to be "nice" (that was always his problem, trying to be "nice" which really just made it harder). I was inconsolably devastated.


There is also this:



> I still think about my ex and miss him sometimes. I hate to say it, but I still consider him probably the most attractive man I've ever seen. I really thought he'd be the one I'd marry.


So look back at that fault of yours.

Unfortunately, you already know what to do:



> But seeing him last year seems like it didn't help.


So tell us how seeing him now would help? 

You should stay away from him. But I think you need to sit your husband down and let him know all of this. Let him know who he married and how he is still pining for the one that got away. Because he sure does not seem to deserve this.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Fickle45 said:


> *Also, we're all gay dudes.* Guess I never stated that . But I guess it also shows how similar all relationships are that the issues are interchangeable.


Don't mean to sound ignorant, but does it make it a lot harder to cut a BF out of your life if you are a part of the gay community? Would there be a stigma doing something like this considering many minority groups have that "us against the world" mindset? I would imagine that it would be significantly more tight nit for your community than for the AA or Hispanic communities because your group would be a good bit smaller I'd imagine. 

Does cutting out former lovers if you are all a part of the gay community an entirely different dynamic than it is for the rest of us?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fickle45 said:


> Hah, apology definitely accepted. I really appreciate your help.
> 
> But as you can tell, I tend to get defensive, and I really didn't think it was fair to be called a hypocrite for getting offended at that after saying I have thick skin


Haha. No sweat. We are all silly, myself included! 

::Fistbump:: 

Glad to see you came to TAM to get some good solid feedback.

We have been there. WE KNOW when there is a major flame burning and when you should put it out! 

Your marriage will thank ya for it!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Don't mean to sound ignorant, but does it make it a lot harder to cut a BF out of your life if you are a part of the gay community? Would there be a stigma doing something like this considering many minority groups have that "us against the world" mindset? I would imagine that it would be significantly more tight nit for your community than for the AA or Hispanic communities because your group would be a good bit smaller I'd imagine.
> 
> Does cutting out former lovers if you are all a part of the gay community an entirely different dynamic than it is for the rest of us?


You can stop all contact with a former lover you're still pining for despite being married - no matter what demographic you happen to fall within. 

There's just no rational reason why this person has to be a part of OP's life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Don't mean to sound ignorant, but does it make it a lot harder to cut a BF out of your life if you are a part of the gay community? Would there be a stigma doing something like this considering many minority groups have that "us against the world" mindset? I would imagine that it would be significantly more tight nit for your community than for the AA or Hispanic communities because your group would be a good bit smaller I'd imagine.
> 
> Does cutting out former lovers if you are all a part of the gay community an entirely different dynamic than it is for the rest of us?


Nope. It doesn't matter. An affair could be brewing, gay/straight/whatever. This kind of ex, the pining kind, is bad news.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I'm the kind of person who doesn't really see a problem staying friends with exes. I personally have chosen not to do so, however my SO has several exes in which we stay in contact with, like his ex wife (they have a son together, so that one is obvious), but he also has an ex BF that I happen to adore, and we get together occasionally.

The difference between your other exes and this one is huge. You're still proud that he mixed up your names; if you were truly over him, it either wouldn't matter (whether he broke up with you or not) or you'd be creeped out. Thinking about him occasionally is one thing; I get obsessive with people too, and my former exes and some former acquaintances cross my mind occasionally... But I knew they were unhealthy relationships and I don't _miss_ them or their drama. 

I think you're making the right step by canceling the dinner, and I think you need to bring it up with your husband. Stress that you're deleting him from FB, send a DNC letter if you think it would help, but this one needs to be let go for the sake of your relationship.

I don't take marriage lightly, and feel that any other friendship I have that might be a threat needs to be severed. 
Even if the ex is a really 'great guy', hanging on will only be harmful to the relationship with the current great guy who loves you. I would ask yourself if this friendship worth sacrificing your relationship over?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

These are just situation where you have to sit back and think "how would I feel if my husband did this to me?"

He probably thinks you guys are just going to meet your ex to catch up, chit chat; however, does he have any idea that this certain ex is the 'most attractive man' that you 'should have married?' 

If you have an ex who has the potential to cause damage, even if so little, you have to completely erase that ex out of your life. This ex could be a shoulder you hang on when your husband is stressing you out - and that never ends well. 

You need to see a therapist. They will give you valuable information on how to go about ending emotional relationships that you can't stop on your own.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Is this respectful to your ex's new partner? 
I have been in that person's position. In fact that was how I found TAM. 
I finally realized that my extreme discomfort and sense of disrespect, while watching my husband and his flirty ex at perfectly "benign" group dinners, outweighed my determination to stay married "no matter what." I held on for a few years of that treatment before I had the guts to draw a firm line.
My H is one of those big-hearted guys who think it's a badge of honor to have these lovely permanent deals going with his exes. 
But where does that leave me? when I hear him in a candid moment wax poetic about that ex? and I see her boundary-crossing body language around him? 
Uh-uh.
I finally delivered a reasonable deadline: Enough with the exes, or I'll take it as a statement that this marriage is over, you've got 90 days.
He had previously let me know that I had no "right" to interfere with his friendships, including all past intimate partnerships. They were precious to him, much as you describe, and therefore off limits.
Over time this kind of territorial behavior eroded my trust in him. And that particular ex, the "flirty" one, seems a lot like you, somehow, feeding her own ego, if you will, on the lingering lust. 
I don't think it's fair of you to do this to TWO relationships. 
I know I couldn't take it any more. 
The good news is that my H cleaned up his act. He decided (amazingly) to get some IC and then we have done some MC since then. 
A marriage is either sacred or it is not. To which choice my thought is, You know why you got married--I hope? 
To establish something sacred and unique, an island of trust and mutual support, in an iffy world. 
So, don't be a jerk here (you sd you had a thick skin). I'm thinking on behalf of your ex's new partner, mind you. Because that's who I was, for far too long, and it was a rotten spot to be in as long as there was an ex like you around.
I would like to say also that I honor you for bringing this to the table and being open to reconsidering your plans... for my H it became a huge turning point in how he viewed our marriage. Maybe it's a watershed for you too.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,
We are all individuals and we all have different levels of emotional needs and maturity.

Some people are able to maintain cordial and appropriate friendships with all their EX’s.
Some can maintain them with some of their EX’s.

IMHO you do not seem ready to do so with this EX.

For the sake of your current relationship admit this, first to yourself and then to your partner. Turn away from the temptation that this EX obviously provides you and concentrate on your Husband.


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## Fickle45 (Nov 14, 2013)

Thanks all for the help and feedback!

I canceled the dinner plans. Then I told the ex why I had to cut him out of my life. Removed from FB, deleted all conversations. Did the same with my phone. I think that's a good step.

Then I told my husband. He asked if I was still in love with the ex at all. I said yes, to a small degree. But that if I were to ever split from my husband, I'd always still be partly in love with him, too. He understood that. 

My husband actually joked that he was slightly bummed out, because he genuinely likes my ex.

Here's to hoping this works on its own without having to require professional therapy.

Thanks again!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think it's wonderful you took such a positive step for your marriage. Good for you!


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

OP, this literally brought tears to my eyes... I so wish my H had listened as well as you chose to. I sense the respect you have for your marriage. 
Good on you, seriously. 
Our relationships are (hopefully in a healthy way) full of all our past loves, attempts at love, connections and losses.... You'll always have Paris.
Onward!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Fickle45 said:


> Thanks all for the help and feedback!
> 
> I canceled the dinner plans. Then I told the ex why I had to cut him out of my life. Removed from FB, deleted all conversations. Did the same with my phone. I think that's a good step.
> 
> ...


That is fabulous news!

You tackled the problem head-on, and did it with honesty and integrity. You've strengthened your marriage. Good going, man!

SH


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