# Me, Wifey and Single Girl



## me-confused (Sep 23, 2016)

Ok, so i've been married for 12'odd years with two beautiful children. Last year I met someone (single girl) through work who I started to get along with very very well and developed a ready strong friendship with her. She moved to another job since the start of the year, being a contractor, but still we have a strong friendship. We talk almost every day, text often, and I see her a few times a week - either for a coffee or hang at her place. 

Still this is strictly a friendship only with single girl, but I feel we still have more in common than my wife and I do, which is concerning.

Even though i dont want anything to happen between me and single girl (well, i dont think i do), I still really really enjoy her company and feel real bad that if i had the choice, feel like i would want to spend more time with her. 

I dont let my time away from home affect my wife and kids, i'm always there when i need to be there and want to be there, its just some free time i have, it would pop out and hang with her.

I've been trying to encourage single girl to see guys, so she can be happy with someone, which she is actively doing... but i'm starting to get a little (maybe more than a little) jealous. Not that she talking to other guys, but that shes spending less time with me.

This is extremely wrong, i know, I have a beautiful family at home. my wife knows i'm really good friends with single girl, shes even come over to our house for dinner, and at first my wife was uncomfortable that i have a friendship with another girl, but shes now ok with it... but probably wont be ok with it if she knew that i've been spending more time with her than ive been letting on.

Single girl and i have acknowledged that we're best friends, and there is an unspoken understanding between us that it will never go any further than that. 

So, i know that me spending secret time with single girl is wrong. I know that its wrong of me to feel like i want to spend more time with single girl, over my own loving wife. and I know its also wrong of me to feel jealous of single girl talking to other guys at the expense of talking to me. Its all a big pile of wrongness... but I simply cannot help how i feel. and i know i should put a stop to it all, and go cold turkey or at least reduce the contact, but, well, to be honest, i dont want to.  

I know people arent going to say that "its ok", or "you can make the situation work", because i know that not right... i cant have the best of both worlds.

thinking hypothetically, i know that even if for whatever "external to this situation" reason me and my wife separated, I know that single girl and i would never take things further. but why then do i wait for her to text, why do i want to call her or spend time with her.. why does it feel better than me and my wife?  I know for a fact that when i first met my wife years and years ago, i felt the same way as i do now with single girl.

I've been mulling things over about all this for month and month and months... I know that to me, common interest is important, and also personal pride in appearance. I cant blame my wife for the latter, because i know, having two kids is bloody hard on the mind and body. but thinking about it, we've never really had the common interest part.. which makes this situation hard, because single girl and i have plenty of common interests... and she also very much takes pride in her appearance. these two things make me feel rotten knowing that they're the reason why i like spending more time with single girl than with my wife.

I really really want the mojo between wifey and i to come back, like the good old day, but i dont know how, even after reading lots about it.. is it an inner core issue?

anyway, ive been ranting about all this, but you have probably seen it all before. but either way, wouldnt mind getting some thoughts on the matter.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here and married 36 years; first time marriage for my husband and I. You are having an emotional affair. It is a matter of time when this relationship will become physical. The reason that this single girl keeps up with her appearance is that she is still looking for someone special in her life. You are visiting her at "her place" alone. I assume that this is her home. You are definitely taking time away from your wife and family. 

You wish for the "mojo" between you and your wife to return. You are preventing this from happening as you have transferred your attention and energy to this Other Woman. Yes, she is your Other Woman. End this relationship. You will lose your wife and your family. No good will come out of this friendship. You know that what you are doing is WRONG!!!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you're having an affair.

Nice.

Maybe if you put a little more effort into "wifey" you'd get something back.

But if you think single girl is such a great deal (I mean, she's got to be great if she's involved with a married man, right?), then leave and let your wife find someone faithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Read "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass.

That's all I can offer in terms of detailed advice. Everything is in that book. You can get it on Kindle.

There are hundreds of other posts like yours here. I suggest you read some of them.

We do have some members that say they have maintained opposite sex friendships but IMO men and women cannot be friends. I say this because I tried to maintain such a relationship, thinking I could keep it to friendship. I could not and I it blew up in my face. One of the most valuable learning experiences of my life.

Your wife isn't "OK" with this girl. I would bet she likely barely tolerates her in your life. Your wife is likely trying to play the "cool, nice" wife. Is she young and is this her first marriage? I bet that, too. Problem is, her good intentions are going to land her in serious pain because you're taking advantage of her hands-off approach.

I want you to do an exercise, ok?

Sum up all the time you spend on this girl - talking, chatting at work or outside of work, texting, calling, etc. Just make a rough estimate of minutes/hours per week.

Now, honestly compare this number with the time you spend with your wife, just the two of you, talking or spending quality time together, WITHOUT your children.

Is it any wonder why you feel you have less in common with your wife when you are likely not spending the kind of quality time you need to in order to keep a strong bond? Are you two having sex often?

Also... Think about the kind of person this "girl" is. First of all, she's no girl. She's absorbing the time of a married man. A married, taken man. She knows exactly what she is doing, make no mistake. Think about the kind of woman that does this. Think about the kind of attention this is likely getting from coworkers... Because they DO notice these things, no matter how quiet or casual you try to keep them. 

The best way to end this is to blow it out of the water yourself, rather than someone blowing it up for you, which is just a matter of when... Not if.

End all contact. Write a NC letter with your wife present, so she can review it before you send it.
Change jobs.
Give your phone to your wife and let her read all the interactions.
Eat crow and demonstrate with actions, your true remorse (if you have it). Give your wife the chance she deserves to work with you to rebuild the bond you're missing.
Give your wife the freedom to decide whether to stay with you and do not hound her one way or another.
Give yourself the freedom to be honest with your feelings, and divorce if you two truly can't find anything to bond over. Then you can go and do whatever you want with a clear conscience.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Your friendship has now turned into an emotional affair. The first red flag was when you started lying to your wife about how much time you were spending with her. There will be posters soon to comment on what you need to do.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You are definitely cheating on your wife if you are not sleeping with other girl you are lying to your wife about the relationship.

If you love your wife so much you need to start focusing on your marriage and not this other woman you are not being fair to your family.

You also need to come clean with your wife and how you feel, so she can decide if she wants to stay with a lying cheater.


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Lostme said:


> You are definitely cheating on your wife if you are not sleeping with other girl you are lying to your wife about the relationship.
> 
> If you love your wife so much you need to start focusing on your marriage and not this other woman you are not being fair to your family.
> 
> *You also need to come clean with your wife and how you feel, so she can decide if she wants to stay with a lying cheater.*


I'm sorry you went through something like this. But if OP turns away, and focuses on his wife and family, there's no reason to say anything.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Look up limerence. Sad that you're basically lying to your wife about the extent of your involvement. By your post,it seems you understand the very slippery slope you're on right now. You know it's wrong,so what more is there to say.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Good advice given already. I'll simplify. In life the things that we care about are what we spend our time and money on. Tally up your day and see where that falls. It probably looks something like "Job, Sleep, this girl" and then much lower down the list you have your wife.

Hard to have a good relationship when you aren't spending your time, money, and energy in ways that improve your relationship. And you won't want to either when someone else is meeting your emotional needs.

Your post is how 95% of sexual affairs start (a stat I pulled out of my a$$ but should be close to accurate). You are already cheating on your wife, because if you weren't, you wouldn't be doing it in secret. Tell your wife what's going on and see how she reacts. That's usually the fastest way to end these "relationships".


----------



## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Surely you know that this is not awise idea at all (you don't need people to tell you this).
I don't see how a married man hanging out with a single female can be of any benefit to a marriage.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed?


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

The others are right. This is an emotional affair. And it is considered cheating. Your WIFE will consider it cheating. And many have divorced over this. Don't think that because you are not sleeping with single girl that his is not cheating. And it is not necessary for her to feel the same about you for this to be cheating. 

I get it. You developed feelings for her. You cannot help that. But once you acknowledged to yourself you have strong emotional (and probably physical) attraction to her, your continued ACTIONS make this cheating. Lying, deception, omission of details. The coffee meet is a date. The "hang at her place" is risk of sexual escalation. I don't believe for a second "there is an unspoken understanding between us that it will never go any further than that." If given the chance, you would be on her. 

Here is a simple test. Picture her banging another guy. How does that make you feel? If jealous, anxious, mad, stressed, any of those, this is an emotional affair.

Your wife knows something is wrong. They pick this stuff up. You act differently around single girl and your wife can see it.

You think if she starts seeing another guy that will make it safer. Nope. You will get more jealous and possessive. You think if she comes to your house for dinner that wife will accept her as just a friend. Nope. Won't happen. Again, wife knows. 

Read "Not Just Friends". Get a kindle copy so your wife won't see. Download it today and read it this weekend. This is the #1 thing for you to do immediately. 

As another poster said, google "limerence". This might apply to you.

Make no mistake. This single girl is clear and present danger to your marriage. You will NEVER NEVER get your mojo back with wife as long as you are around this woman.

Now the bad part. There is ONLY ONE way out of this. You need to break off all contact with single girl. It is going to hurt like heck. It might be one of the hardest things you have ever done. But it is a must.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You know there are two types of cheating [email protected] - the ones that are brutal and crude and the ones that try to come across as a nice guy. You sir, are the latter.

So …. stop being a [email protected]

You already know what you need to do but are enjoying the affair too much to let go, and here is what's worse - you talk like you care about your wife while your actions indicate exactly the opposite.

So you are cheating, lying, being jealous whilst cheating and lying, but still maintain that you want what's best for your poor unsuspecting wife. And you keep insisting (either explicitly or implicitly) that you are a good guy!?!?!?

You can read "Not Just Friends" and it may help you but you know what you need to do.

Stop contact with this girl. Stop trying to convince her, your wife or even yourself that she is your "best friend". She is not. You want to fvck her - pure and simple and you are infatuated with that feeling not her friendship.

This will all stop naturally if she finds some one and she starts fvcking them. I am being crude for a reason. To make you see what others see. When she starts fvcking other guys (as she should) you will suddenly realise that she is not your best friend. Maybe your real (male) best friend is or maybe your dog, Rover, but certainly not her. Your actual best friend should be your wife. So when girlie finds a fvck buddy (who may evolve into something else), the real problem is that you will look for the next girlie. And that is what needs to be fixed.

Either find out why through professional help if need be or else let your wife go so that she can find someone who really loves her and doesn't think with his d!ck.

Stop lying to yourself and others.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

The single girl gives you validation, that you are still an attractive person perhaps. 

Meanwhile life at home with the wife & kids is difficult? 
You may have zero physical intentions to cheat, right now, but what happens if you & your wife start running into problems, will you go running to Ms Single & tell her how difficult things are? 
And that's probably how most affairs start.

If you really want to get the "mojo" back with your wife, please end this friendship with this single lady & start to concentrate on wooing your wife, like you did before marriage, before kids. 

And it would be interesting to see what age this single lady is. 
If she's older, she may not be so amazing because if she was, she'd have a boyfriend and not be hanging out with married men, think about it. Is there any reason why she can't get a single guy? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

me-confused said:


> thinking hypothetically, i know that even if for whatever "external to this situation" reason me and my wife separated, I know that single girl and i would never take things further. but why then do i wait for her to text, why do i want to call her or spend time with her.. *why does it feel better than me and my wife?  I know for a fact that when i first met my wife years and years ago, i felt the same way as i do now with single girl*.
> 
> I've been mulling things over about all this for month and month and months... I know that to me, common interest is important, and also personal pride in appearance. I *cant blame my wife for the latter, because i know, having two kids is bloody hard on the mind and body. but thinking about it, we've never really had the common interest part.. which makes this situation hard, because single girl and i have plenty of common interests... and she also very much takes pride in her appearance*. these two things make me feel rotten knowing that they're the reason why i like spending more time with single girl than with my wife.


You feel so good about it because you are addicted to the dopamine (and other neural chemicals) rush that you get when you are with her. You are in a Fog. You start to go through withdrawal and you long for her to text. Each text and interaction strengthens new neural connections that favor this woman other others including your wife.

You are starting to draw comparisons between them as well. The new neural connections often overwrite others which cause you to think differently for your wife. You are starting to rewrite history.

You are addicted and you need to break the addiction. To do this you need to stop contacting her and responding. You need to break it off. You also need to invest that emotional energy you spent on the OW on your wife and reform connections with her.

For more on your fog and the neural Chemistry of love see my link below on Fog v. love. Note that my post is slightly above the link because of the issues with deleting posts.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is wrangling two kids every day. Of course, she isn't going to look like she just stepped out of a magazine. You don't get undivided attention at home so single girl's place is more attractive. Would you trade your children for a snappy dresser and a quiet house?


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Let us know when you and single girl hook up. You're already cheating.

Tell your wife she is now in a polyamorous marriage.

Keep the address to this site. You will be here a long time or you will be coming back when your world blows up

Sorry, if you're looking for some more ego kibbles I do not think you'll find it coming from too many who read what you have posted.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

me-confused said:


> I really really want the mojo between wifey and i to come back, like the good old day, but i dont know how, even after reading lots about it.. is it an inner core issue?


You could start by not spending anymore time with this "single girl."


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What kind of a woman invites married men to ‘’hang out’’ all the time at her place? Don’t ruin your marriage over someone who has no respect for people’s marriages. And you need to have respect for your own marriage, as well. I’d stop seeing this ‘’friend’’ and move on. No email. No texting. No snap chatting. No Facebooking. If you want your marriage to work, you need to sever this ‘’friendship,’’ because it’s not healthy for you and your marriage. And not fair at all to your wife and kids. Be strong, you can do this.


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

You are having an EA with single girl. If you love your wife, value your marriage and your children's happiness, tell your wife the truth and stop all contact with single girls. Lies in a marriage is like cancer, stop it from spreading now before it destroys everything you love and hold dearly. If you are not happy with your wife and want to go after single girl, better to tell your wife the truth now and end it before you lose the respect of many people including your kids by continuing on with this affair.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is pretty simple. You are having an affair. So you have two choices...END IT, or DIVORCE YOUR WIFE.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

First of all let's call this what it actual is, an Emotional Affair. Secondly you freely admit that you are a cake eater, you want the relationship with single girl and as a back up you want the relationship with your wife to last. Right now I don't think you deserve either. You're going to have to choose one and completely stop seeing the other. It's just a matter of time before the truth comes out.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

That you, Steve?


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> That you, Steve?




The advice is still valid for newcomers. There are many "guests" reading this who have not joined, for whom this advice is spot on. This scenario is very common. 

I found this site through the title of a thread via google.


----------



## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Anyone who refers to their wife as wifey/has spent months alone with a single girl and is still just friends/posts it all on here is a XXXXX or XXXXXXX XXX XXX XXXXX XXXX.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TAM2013 said:


> Anyone who refers to their wife as wifey/has spent months alone with a single girl and is still just friends/posts it all on here is a XXXXX or XXXXXXX XXX XXX XXXXX XXXX.


Well, if she has no romantic interest, they can be just friends. Of course, he wants more and she just thrives on the attention knowing the guy wants her.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your wife has a right to know that you feel another woman is your BEST FRIEND....personally that right there would be heartbreaking..... I don't know what other things you have in common with this single woman -over your wife.. you didn't seem to mention all that much... but you've painted a pretty clear picture to where this is headed..

Please take a moment to read this thread >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html

I knew of a couple who had 2 children.. the daughter has never forgiven her father for stepping out on her Mother...this man has forfeited his daughter, he has never seen his grandchildren.. be careful your choices.. it could alter your life... and think about this.... this single woman.. if she has no qualms or guilty conscience hanging out with you, full well knowing you are having feelings for her (and she knows), that you are secretly keeping this from your wife & 2 children, it just doesn't speak well of her..

Another very good read... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Stop. Do not pass go. Return back home and give the attention to your "wifey" that you are giving your girlfriend.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Number 1 Rule in the Marriage Handbook: DO NOT go on dates with your girlfriend when you are married..............


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@me-confused You know it's wrong. But you refuse to not do what you know is wrong.

"Well, your honour, yes, I knew it was wrong to rob that bank, but I did it anyway."

Exactly how well do you think that defence would work? :scratchhead:

It would actually count against the bank robber because he admitted he knew he was guilty from the get go, but still did it anyway.

The friendship, the Emotional Affair, must stop.

Before you come to your senses when you realise you are having sex with your friend.

Won't happen to you? I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. Luckily before sexual intercourse had taken place.

So now you know what could happen, take action to make sure it can't happen.

And mine was a stupid, drunken revenge affair, in case you are wondering.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@becareful2



becareful2 said:


> That you, Steve?


Speaking as a Moderator, if you think you have enough evidence to call someone out, _*Please do not call them out on the board*_.

That's what the "Report" button is for.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For the moment ignoring this girl, how is your marriage. Could it be better with the realities of children, housework, jobs etc? Is you marriage worth saving?

Keep in mind that someone you meet casually will always seem more positive because you seen them during "fun" time, (and yes, work can be fun), not during all problems and annoyances of real life. 

If you left your wife and married this girl, had children etc, you would likely find yourself back in the same situation.


The only exception is if your marriage is bad to begin with. Is your wife an addict, alcoholic etc? Does she deny you sex all the time (not counting when chores and children get in the way). Does she disrespect you? If your marriage is bad, then leaving may be the right choice.

If you keep hanging around this girl, you will have a physical affair. An affair is likely to pull the emotional attention your family needs and redirect it to this new person. Whatever is wrong with your marriage will get worse. Even if your wife never finds out, I expect your marriage will fall apart. If that is OK, then you might as well divorce now with your honor intact. 

I'm not about to try to instruct others on morality. If you want to have an affair, go ahead, you will have lots of company in that sin. Just be sure you have really thought about what you are doing, and don't pretend that somehow it "just happened". 

I expect I'd feel a lot more at home in hell than in heaven.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Crickets from OP.........Perhaps he doesn't like the heat in this kitchen..........


----------



## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My H was in a very similar situation. As time went on it became more than 'I have more in common with OW'. The more feeling you nurture (& you ARE nurturing feelings) with your OW the more you will have to rewrite the history of your marriage. Your wife will start to irritate you just because she exists!!

You've had pretty consistent good advise here already. Let me give you a great gift....a portal into your future.....

Ok, you may or may not go physical but your wife is already aware that you're becoming a POS but you're her POS that she trusts completely so she's trying to turn a blind eye. Eventually the s**t will hit the fan. You will be faced with the horrific reality that you have broken your wife's heart. Suddenly all the bollocks you're horney, flattered little self has been telling you will melt away. The reality will hit you like a ton of bricks!!! 

YOU HAVE BROKEN & ARE LOOSING YOUR WIFE!!!!

You will become engulfed in guilt & regret. You will cry & beg to keep your family. Your W may or may not think her family is worth sucking-up a world of hurt for. I don't know her. It could go either way. 

Whatever, you will regret this more than you ever imagined that you could regret anything. You will give ANYTHING to take it all back but it's too late. You will of destroyed your love story. You will of crapped on your wife's heart. You will of killed the 'innocence' of your relationship. 

You might be one of those couples who can work through it & stay together as a family....maybe "for the kids"....it will NEVER be the same again. Sometimes you might think it's over then you will be watching TV & see that your wife is silently crying because you're watching a true love (she's mourning the loss of that) or an infidelity moment in a show. SHE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! & you will of done that to her & you will HATE yourself!!


So....That's "The Portal into your Future". It really is. Why not cut out all of the meaningless crap....jump forward to the you feeling like a POS full of regret & get out now before the irreparable damage is done?

You are at a crossroads. For the love of god just stop it now. You got your ego stroked. You know you've 'still got-it', you're DA MAN!!!! When you're old & bald you will struggle to remember this girls name. Will you have a loving, caring, beautiful family children, grandchildren a legacy around you or will you be regretting loosing the love of your life, the mother of your children, all that love & life for NOTHING?


It's not that bloody complicated!!! You're a married, family man!!! WTF?????


----------



## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

By the way "Wifey" is a pathetic, condescending, stupid term for your WIFE!

Show her some bloody respect & you might keep the family life you clearly don't deserve. 

PLEASE think about what you're doing. As a couple of 26 years WE wish someone had said this to my H before it all went too far. If you could even start to imagine the pain that stands before you you wouldn't be thinking these thoughts. I'm being mean to save you & your wife & your children LIFE CHANGING DEVASTATION.


----------



## me-confused (Sep 23, 2016)

** Thank you for all your replies ** 

ive read every one of them, and most of you all are right about the way ive been treating my family, especially my wife.

A few of you have hit the nail on the head asking about the health of relationship between my wife and I. Lets just say a lot of issues that we currently have, we've had for quite some time... well before single girl was on the scene.

The issues arent really bad, like we're constantly fighting or anything. we just dont have much in common apart, and it seem that we've grown into a routine in life, which was the case even before kids came along.

I've tried many many times, different ideas to bring us closer together, finding nuggets of tips from the internet and books.. and ive spoken to my wife on a number of occasions about what we should do to get closer. A lot of the time i feel she enjoys the company of her phone (text massaging other people), than she does me.. and unfortunately ive gotten used to that. For quite some time i felt that there was a big hole in my life, and didnt know what i needed to do to fill it. Ive spoken to her a number of times about this issue i seemingly have. 

I'm not saying that single girl totally fills this hole, but we certainly have more in common which means hanging out is more fulfilling mentally. I have no intention of entering into a physical relationship with this girl. never will. and those people who say it'll eventually will happen assumes that i have a weak will power.

What single girls gives me is probably what other people are replying with.. which is alittle bit of an ego boost.

Yip, it is an emotional affair. i've tried numinous times to bring that emotional attachment back home.. but i dont know. its just not there anymore, and hasnt been for quite some time. 

Have i fallen out of love with my wife? i've asked that question to myself a number of time. we hardly even look at each other anymore. 

People are replying back saying that im a scumbag for doing all this, while my wife has all the burden of taking care of the kids. well, i more than pull my weight. and do what i can to alleviate the pressure of her, including trying to create free-time for her. i love my kids more than anything and im always there when they need me, in fact my wife says that im a great dad to them. 

It just all seems like that ive lost the emotional connection with my wife, i dont yet know if she feels the same. i wish it was there.. and ive tried to bring it back. single girl has shown me that i can still connect with other people. wrongly or rightly.

a hole still exists, i just dont know how to get the mojo back with my wife. in fact between the two of us, im the more affectionate one.. and im always the one to remind her that she needs to show some interest in me, as a husband.. like i try to with her as my wife. 

Is this a classic symptom of knowing someone for 15+ years?


----------



## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

While your going to another woman for you emotional fix, there's no hope in hell of getting the emotional connection with your wife .




> I'm not saying that single girl totally fills this hole, but we certainly have more in common which means hanging out is more fulfilling mentally.* I have no intention of entering* into a physical relationship with this girl. never will. and those people who say it'll eventually will happen assumes that i have a weak will power.[/B]
> 
> What single girls gives me is probably what other people are replying with.. which is alittle bit of an ego boost.


I'm sure you didn't have any intention of entering a emotional affair but you're in one, that fact you are in a emotional affair is a indicator that you don't have a strong will power.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

me-confused said:


> ** Thank you for all your replies **
> 
> ive read every one of them, and most of you all are right about the way ive been treating my family, especially my wife.
> 
> ...


And yet, the [email protected] still continues!!!
Stop talking to any other girls, sit with your wife and talk about this. Tell her everything that you have told us including about "Girlie". Then try and do something that she likes to do - then you will have something in common immediately. I don't know what you mean by "more than pull my weight", but emotional support for her is part of "pulling your weight".

Mainly - stop rewriting your marital history to justify your actions. 

Its very simple - stop talking to ANY other girls, start being completely honest with your wife, and if it doesn't work out, then give her a great settlement when divorcing, give yourself time to recover and then start talking to girlies.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP - you know what you're doing is wrong, and you know what you should do. SO DO IT.

You are having an emotional affair, that is heading towards a physical affair. This has trainwreck written ALL over it!!! And trust me, your wife knows...and she is so NOT "ok" with this situation...she's a smart woman - ever heard the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Yeah, that's what your wife is doing.

You need to stop all contact with this other woman. ALL OF IT. But you know that already.

I don't care how miserable you think you are in your marriage, you are married and you took vows to your wife and she to you. The two of you have built a family together. At the very least you owe her the chance to make things better. And what are you doing for her? Not much by the sound of it. It takes two buddy.


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

me-confused said:


> A few of you have hit the nail on the head asking about the health of relationship between my wife and I. *Lets just say a lot of issues that we currently have, we've had for quite some time...* well before single girl was on the scene.


Then what you should do is to solve these issues with your wife and improve your marriage first. The only thing the OW is doing is allowing you to escape from your marriage and feeding your ego. 




me-confused said:


> The issues arent really bad, like we're constantly fighting or anything. we just dont have much in common apart, *and it seem that we've grown into a routine in life, which was the case even before kids came along.
> *
> I've tried many many times, different ideas to bring us closer together, finding nuggets of tips from the internet and books.. and ive spoken to my wife on a number of occasions about what we should do to get closer. A lot of the time i feel she enjoys the company of her phone (text massaging other people), than she does me.. and unfortunately ive gotten used to that. *For quite some time i felt that there was a big hole in my life, and didnt know what i needed to do to fill it. Ive spoken to her a number of times about this issue i seemingly have. *


Life becoming routine happens but you don't need to let it be routine. Take the initiative and put some fun and adventure into your marriage.

Sure there is a hole in your life but you should seek to fill it with things that contribute to your marriage and strengthen you personally and brings out traits your wife is attracted towards.

I was in the position you are in. There was a large hole in my life and my wife was doing other things that made me feel like I was being used. What I did was improved myself and mad myself more attractive to her. I stepped up and identified things she needed that I was not providing and started providing them. 

I found our problem with communication and started to work to solve it. I was able to turn our marriage around. 

Talking to your wife frankly is just not good enough. You need to act on your marriage. You are unfaithfully givening the time you owe your marriage to someone else to the detriment of your marriage. Give you time and attention to your wife.




me-confused said:


> Have i fallen out of love with my wife? i've asked that question to myself a number of time. we hardly even look at each other anymore.
> 
> People are replying back saying that im a scumbag for doing all this, while my wife has all the burden of taking care of the kids. well, i more than pull my weight. and do what i can to alleviate the pressure of her, including trying to create free-time for her. i love my kids more than anything and im always there when they need me, in fact my wife says that im a great dad to them.


I had fallen out of love with my wife. The actions I took began our relationship again. Once I identified and addressed our communication problem I started dating her again and treated her as I did when we first dated. She responded and we both fell in love again. Your love for your wife can come back but not with another woman feeding your addiction. You need to break the addiction with the OW and juice up with your wife.




me-confused said:


> It just all seems like that ive lost the emotional connection with my wife, i dont yet know if she feels the same. i wish it was there.. and ive tried to bring it back. single girl has shown me that i can still connect with other people. wrongly or rightly.
> 
> a hole still exists, i just dont know how to get the mojo back with my wife. in fact between the two of us, im the more affectionate one.. and im always the one to remind her that she needs to show some interest in me, as a husband.. like i try to with her as my wife.
> 
> Is this a classic symptom of knowing someone for 15+ years?


She probably feels similar to you. If you don't address the issues and start taking action it is quite possible that she like you will find someone to escape from her marriage with. Consider that. 

If you want her to show interest then you need to become interesting. Are you interesting? If you were single today would she date you? I bet the answer would be no. However that can be changed if you devote energy to your marriage and your wife.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

me-confused said:


> ** Thank you for all your replies **
> 
> ive read every one of them, and most of you all are right about the way ive been treating my family, especially my wife.
> 
> ...


I don't think criticizing how she chooses to show affection and interest is going to inspire her to show you more. You don't address any of the very valuable suggestions about helping to build a bond. If you and your wife don't spend any time together, if you don't romance her, if you don't take her out and give her a chance to dress up for example and "take pride in her appearance" then how could you POSSIBLY hope to maintain that feeling of closeness or love? You aren't spending any one-on-one time with her so OF COURSE you don't feel close to her. That and...oh yes...you're having an emotional affair, so all your emotional and sexual energy is wrapped up in the lazy and good times interactions you have with single girl.

Now of course, if you hope to save the marriage, which it seems like you are throwing away almost willingly, you need to do 2 things:

1. TELL YOUR WIFE THE TRUTH!!! You owe her that much.
2. Cut off all contact with OW - write a no-contact letter and show it to your wife so she knows you are following through with her.


Personally, having been the wife in this situation, you would be given a HUGE gift if she even considers going into marriage counseling and trying to salvage a marriage with someone who has as clearly poor boundaries as you. But you never know. It could happen. You don't really seem that invested though. You, frankly, seem like a lot of other wayward spouses here who don't really see that what they're doing is that bad, or do, but don't care enough to stop. Your actions are not the actions of someone who gives a damn. 

Spoiler alert - if you and single girl ever actually did get together and share finances, and mortgages and children and extended families and illness, guess what's going to happen if you fail to address your failings? Got it in one - you'll do the same thing all over again.

You want easy. Well, life with another human being isn't easy, ego strokes. It can be meaningful, loving, passionate even. But you have to put the work in.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I know how it works and why, but I will NEVER understand this silly rationalization cheaters use. 

Oh she's tired, he works too much, she's sick, waaaah waaah waaah. So, you both became complacent and you decide to cheat. So, when she gets tired of your friend, she should go find her own right? Then let the kids fend for themselves because you two have nothing in common right? Of course, it has nothing to do with the fact your wife is chasing around kids at all? It has nothing to do with you splitting time and energy between two women and kids? Someone is coming up short and it isn't the single woman.


Single friends appear are more fun because what they do impacts them and not kids, a marriage or the entire family. It is life and of COURSE a single person has different familial responsibilities. When it comes to marriage and kids it is completely different.


----------



## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

me-confused said:


> a hole still exists


Doesn't mean you have to fill it, if you know what I mean.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its difficult to tell from outside. Some marriages are simply bad, one person has basically given up on keeping fun and passion alive, or has decided to simply use their spouse for all that they can get. 

Words don't do a good job of describing what is happening, so readers map it onto their own experience.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> I'm sorry you went through something like this. But if OP turns away, and focuses on his wife and family, there's no reason to say anything.


Yes, that would be HIS hope.

Single girls hope? That is the boomerang that may return to the lying Thrower.

And it will hit the Confused Bird in the light of day, maybe in his front yard while his wife pulls weeds.

I too would break it off and remain silent.

And yes, I would always be ready to duck, hoping the kylie would go whooshing by, un-striking, into the next county..

The webs that we weave.


----------



## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

You will never get your mojo back with your wife when there is a third person in your marriage. Being a great dad does not equate to being a great husband. If you want your relationship with your wife to work/improve you really need to remove this girl from your life.
You are not being honest with yourself if you think your EA will not turn physical. You are in constant close proximity to another woman that you are attracted to. Temptation is right there for you.


----------



## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

Honestly, what you're doing now isn't more noble than a PA anyway. Emotional affairs are just as, if not _more_ damaging than physical affairs.

First, instead of blaming your wife for not filling your holes, change yourself to be the better partner. Actively pursue her, court her, chase her. Be the partner you want her to be, and you may be rewarded.

And definitely get rid of single girl. You guys are not best friends, you're both just using the other for an ego-stroke. If you were in real trouble, who could you count on? Your wife or this single girl? I hope you know.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Side note: has any woman ever really enjoyed being called "wifey?"


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

joannacroc said:


> Side note: has any woman ever really enjoyed being called "wifey?"


I agree, not cool if the slang is meant that way (unflattering routine).

I guess there are other more positive meanings, but I've not heard them actually used in person.

I would hope it is meant as an endearment, but unsure if he is in an EA.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

OP: So? What's going on?


----------



## mariemount12 (Jun 12, 2016)

Ugh this post is exactly why I hate cheaters. 
So you're unhappy in your relationship, fine - you can't help what you feel. But WTF are people thinking when going to ANOTHER person to fill some void???? That is so counter productive, it boggles my mind.

OP you're unhappy, fine. If you love your wife like you say you do and want to salvage your marriage & family - drop this female friend ASAP and put 110% energy into talking openly and honestly with your wife about everything you feel. Do NOT tell her about your friend. Work together with your wife to figure out how you can both make your marriage better. It is a two way street, if you are unhappy I garuntee your wife is just as unhappy!!! Work together and make your marriage mutually happy TOGETHER.
If after X amount of time it does not improve, divorce and go your separate ways. At least you both gave it a fair chance.

Do not, I repeat do NOT continue being friends with this girl. If you do, nothing good will come of this and it will no doubt ruin your marriage and you will be here posting for advice about your messy divorce, finances and not seeing your kids enough.
If you want a divorce eventually then continue what you're doing and disregard any advice we have all given you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Stop talking to any other girl and start being completely honest with your wife. Go for dinner to new places, plan surprises for each other and keep on gifting the small items.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get your a$$ to a marriage counselors office pronto or you'll find yourself unwittingly litigating a divorce hearing in a court room!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If you want to stay friends with "girlie-just-a-friend", then do that.

To be fair, to your wife....the one that you promised to love, honor and cherish.... you should let her know that you are ok with her going out to find a "manly-friend-who-just-gets-me" guy to keep her company, and possibly fill any holes. 

It's not bad that you have a friend, it's crappy that you lie to her and spend your emotions with someone else. She should have that same opportunity. Maybe you two could make up a schedule, take turns watching the kids so the other one can get out and get some "me time". Eventually, you could all double-date! Since your girl is so fun, and I'd guess wifey would pick a nice guy who is fun to hang out with....should be a fun time. 

And....if "wifey" is offensive, is "hubby"? I never thought hubby was offensive, even tho I don't say it. But I just thought wifey was the opposite of hubby.


----------

