# Day late and a dollar short?



## closest86 (Dec 16, 2010)

First off, I am new to the forum and very interested in hearing different opinions about my situation.......so here goes.

My wife and I have been together for 7yrs (married 2 1/2yrs), and she is fed up with me and requested that we seperate for a while to clear her head. How did this come about you ask? Buckle yourself in!

When we initially met and started dating, everything was fabulous, the puppy love knew no bounds....we couldnt get enough of each other. From being in other relationships, I knew that it was in my nature to become too "comfortable". Now this is something that I had struggled with for a long time, I was always walking the fine line of taking a loved one for granted. So naturally, I began to do it with my now wife.

My wife is a person with a great heart, always aiming to please, and afraid to let her true dislike for something show. Now for somebody like me that used to take things for granted with a side dish of selfishness, this was my kryptonite. After a while, I easily slipped into my pattern of "taking advantage of a good situation."

The past year or so, she would tell me how she was not happy. Being the type of person I was, I knew how to say all the right things to "reboot" the relationship. I would apologize and adjust myself for a few weeks......and bang, i would fall right back into my familiar acts of taking her for granted. She would suggest counseling, and I would brush it off and tell her that I would change and everything would be all better.

This pattern would repeat and repeat.

Fast forward to six months ago:

We recently move states (due to my work). She starting off not being happy here either because of my earlier mentioned behaviors. This time I had a light go off in this bird brain of mine, and I discovered how to be a respectable, proud, sharing partner. I worked at it, with the help of many conversations with myself, and finally broke through. The only problem was that she was so worn out at this point. 

I sat down one night while she was at work, and wrote a 4 page letter expressing my sorrow, and explaining that I am literally sickened by the way I have treated her in the past (not asking how her day was, saying how I was too tired to go out to dinner, isolating myself from hanging with her friends on a more regular basis, slanting things to go my way, etc.). This letter was 100% honest, and true. I needed her to know that I truly am sorry, and that I do not want to lose the love of my life. It wasn't one of my famous smooth over jobs. I sincerely meant it, and was really saddened by my past behaviors.

WELL, I quickly learned that after all those half-hearted "I'm sorrys", and the famous "I won't let it happened again" terms had lost all value in her eyes. She was scarred and damaged from the years of my brushing serious issues under the rug. She is no longer passionate, and no longer has that true love that you need in a relationship. She even broke out the "I love you, and you are like my best friend, but I'm not in love with you". (Ouch, that is like a knife through the heart.....those are words that nobody likes to hear.)

So we started counseling. The first time, she went by herself because she has alot of anxiety due to the possibility that things won't work out and she'll let both her family and my family down. In between the first and second session, she became very negative saying that she just doesnt think that the counseling will work, and she just wants the whole feeling of being in limbo to be over. I asked her that if things could be great again between us, and we could live happily ever after, is that something that she would like. The answer was, of course, yes.........but she doesnt think the counseling will get us there. She told the counselor the same thing. 

She no longer has what you need for counseling and reconsiliation to happen........the will to do it. 

We agreed that we would limit communication and not see each other until after the holidays, so she could have the space and time to get a clear picture of whether or not she wants to go any further in our relationship. 

It has been painful for me, I live in a friends spare bedroom, and Im truly heartbroken. Im doing my best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best at the same time. Im trying to stay as optimistic as I can, but when I replay in my head all the warning signs and the things I should have done differently, it's hard to not see things ending. 

I know that I cannot beat myself up, but at the same time, I cannot blame her for wanting to go on with her life without me. The emotional luggage that she has to carry around is one that I can't even imagine. Im ashamed, embarrassed, and saddened at how I was able to drive a wedge between the love of my life and myself.

It makes me feel even less hopeful that I stopped by the house one night when she was at work and saw her wedding rings sitting on the shelf. She later told me that she "honestly doesnt see us working out".

Being a day late and a dollar short sure does stink! I truly don't think there is anything I can do to make it work, especially when she is closed off to it, and doesnt have to will to go on. I don't want to "pull" her through counseling, I want it to be something that she wants as well. And, I don't want to be married to somebody that is not really happy and just going through the motions to make it seem like everything is okay.....that would be living a fake life, wasting each others time, and selling ourselves short. I am crazy about my wife, but she isnt crazy about me anymore.

Thank you for your time, and Im sorry about the length but felt that I needed to include all the details I could. Thanks


----------



## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

I am sorry that it might possibly be too late for you and your wife. It was very thoughtful of you however, to write this post so others might learn from your mistakes. 
I will certainly hope for the best for you but know this....if you don't get back together, at least you have learned what it really takes to make a relationship work. Valuable lesson regardless of the outcome of your current situation.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The only thing which comes to mind at this point is a book. The book is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The book is great. Even if your wife doesn't read it, there are still things you can do to help her feel in love again. Identify her "love language" and begin doing those things for her.

Wish you the very best!


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I don't think it is ever a day late and a dollar short because in the end, you still have to live with yourself whether your marriage survives or not...I'm trying to salvage my 25 year marrige, and if things don't work out, it won't be because I didn't try my best to do whats right...I'm going to be a better person no matter what, stronger...

and in the end, maybe that's just what this is all about...


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

DjF said:


> I don't think it is ever a day late and a dollar short because in the end, you still have to live with yourself whether your marriage survives or not...I'm trying to salvage my 25 year marrige, and if things don't work out, it won't be because I didn't try my best to do whats right...I'm going to be a better person no matter what, stronger...
> 
> and in the end, maybe that's just what this is all about...


I couldn't agree with you more. I, too, am one that feels that it is never too late. I've been separated now for about 2 months and have come along way since the beginning. It does get easier, but no one can tell you not to try to fight for your relationship/marriage. I'm still fighting for mine, but it is from a distance right now. I'm working on me and have made some great progress with still more to come. I'm still hopeful that a reconciliation is possible, but I know that, in the end, I will be a better man even if it doesn't.


----------



## closest86 (Dec 16, 2010)

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and support. Sorry for the late reply, but I took some time and visited my family out of town. 

Since my original post, there hasnt been much communication. I have respected her request for space. She did however call on christmas day while i was up visiting family. It was really nice to hear from her, and it really meant alot to me. I figure that it is in my best interest not to read too much into the phone call. 

Her parents came down to visit her and they all went out of town to her sisters for the holidays. I texted her today, just to tell her that I hope she is enjoying the holidays with her family, and that I hope to talk to her when she gets back. She replied with "we will." It was just nice to get a reply, small victories is the name of the game i guess. I also texted her mom and had the same message and added that I pray everything works out and I love and miss everybody. Her mother replied saying that she hopes everything works out too, and that they all love and miss me. That felt really good as well.

Its just tough around the holidays not being with the people you wish you could be with. My heart does hurt, and the future for us still looks bleak. I just have to tell myself that whatever the outcome, life will go on. I just want my love back, the guilt haunts me. Like mentioned by somebody above, I have definitely learned some life lessons regardless.


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Closet86 - Your story resonates with me. I too almost lost the love of my life to some of the same things. The only thing that has helped my wife and I maintain and grow the marriage is me being consistent in my actions. Your actions at this point speak volumes above your words. 

Even now - I still struggle some days and have to remind myself not to fall back into the same bad habits and patterns that almost did our relationship in. 

What helped me is starting to recognize what my wifes needs are and starting to consistently meet them. I also read the 5 Love Languages and that helped too. I also read on Affaircares site and Marriage Builders and then I read a lot of the threads here of other stories. I woke up in time it looks like and there is probably a good chance for you too. 

The biggest thing is realizing YOU have a problem and are taking action to better yourself along the way - regardless of what happens in the current relationship you will be better equipped for the next.


----------



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Your story mimics mine so closely. I am the wife who lost sight of what a marriage is supposed to be. Deception, trust, and respect issues over the course of our marriage finally took its toll. My husband moved out just today....and I helped him. Do you know how hard it is to see that the one person you love the most in the world to take that chance at a new life...but without you in it. We are both going to be going to a therapist separatly for a while. Before he left today...I asked if in 2 months we could go for dinner and reevaluate our situation. I said we both need to work on ourselves...then maybe we could then work on a new relationship. He agreed...but then he also said that he thought it would be healthy if I went on a date. I told him I was not ready for that conversation. But it was after he made that comment that I realized I need to stop fixating on hoping we get back together....it seems obvious he doesn't and he just wants to move on. I am a total mess...cant eat, cant sleep. I just want to stay in bed and cry. I have no motivation . I don't know how I am going to get thru this. But I like your comment....expect the worse...hope for the best.

Good luck to you.


----------

