# What do I do?



## Magellan (Sep 16, 2010)

I think my wife of 5 months is going to leave me. I don't want to get into too much detail but she found on accident a skeliton from my past (before we ever met) that I thought I had gotten rid of. There is no real way I can prove that was part of my past and not how I am now. And she doesn't belive me when I tell her that. To be fair, I can't blame her for that. I don't think most people would belive me.

I've never lied to her about anything and I'm not lying about this. But since I can't prove it I've realized there is nothing more I can do. 

I mostly just need help getting past this panic feeling I have right now. I had a dream of a life with her, kids and the like. All of that is likely now gone for good. She's the only long term relationship I've ever really had. I had a previous relationship but it was short term and ended with her dumping me out of the blue. My wife is the only person who's ever loved me romantically for any length of time. I'm not the most successful dater in the world, but I didn't care because I married her and she is wonderful.

Now I'm likely losing her over this. Its killing me, I'm having panic attacks (Which I don't normally get.) I'm losing everything in my life except my job which is crappy anyways. She loved me despite the fact that I have a crap job and even though I have a college degree can't seem to get anyplace. She loved me enough to leave Florida to live with me in Indiana.

The 5 months we have been married have been the best days of my life. The previous year and a half before that which we "dated" in a long distance relationship. (Myself in Northern Indiana, her in FL) are probably the 2nd best. Having her with me boosted my self esteem. Not that it was horrible before, but I always had the problem with dating that made me question myself and my value.

Now I am probably losing it all. I decided and told her that if she decides to leave that I think the puppy we got together should go with her. I love that puppy and will miss him very much too. But she's better with dogs then I am. Plus we will both likely have to move back in with our parents (which adds to the humiliation of all of this). And her parents have more room for the dog. I'd still take care of him if he stayed with me, but he'd just have a better home with her. So I love him and I love her and I have to let both go. 

I just don't know what to do. I'm humiliated that my marriage didn't last and I don't know how to tell my family or everyone I know about this. Especially when everyone was so nice to me 5 months ago when we got married. They all sacrificed a lot, and paid a lot to give us a good wedding. Now it is rendered meaningless and lost.

Then you have other people, aquantences and the like. How do you tell people you could only stay married for 5 months. I look like even more of a loser. Which will quite frankly fit with my loser job, and loser living conditions. 

For the record, I havn't contemplated suicide. I'm just losing everything and I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to go back to being single again. It took me so long to find someone that actually loved me back and now she's probably going away. Just when it looked like I was finally getting my life together. Its all gone again. And I'm back where I started.


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## hagus (Aug 18, 2010)

Hello magellon have you talked to her yet about the past and you thinking everthing is over.HAs she come out and said she wants to seperate.if not I would say the two of you need to sit down and have a talk about everything andthen take it from there.


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## Magellan (Sep 16, 2010)

We've talked about stuff a lot. She said that she doesn't really want to stay but she doesn't want to leave either.

Prior to that she was definatly talking about leaving. I think it comes and goes with that.

It was hard because just a bit ago she made it fairly clear that I had crushed some of her dreams. And to be fair, I did do that, I've crushed my own as well. 

Really what it is we have two choices. We can stay together and go with new dreams or just take it day by day.

Or we can seperate and pursue different dreams, perhaps similar dreams with different people.

For me I've lost out on some dreams because of my own stupidity. But all of my dreams right now include her. If we can work past this no matter how long it takes at least some of my dreams will come true.

Right now I'm mostly feeling bad that I hurt her dreams. I've put her in a horrible position and she has every reason to go. She could probably do more with her life without me and she could definatly find someone better then me who doesn't have such a horrible past. In fact part of me is thinking she is better off without me. I just don't think I have the guts to say that to her because I know I'm not better off without her. 

Right now I'm feeling quite ready to give up pretty much everything to keep her in my life. The only hitch is that I need her to love me. I'm not sure if that will be easy for her to do. 

As long as I havn't lost her I havn't lost everything. Even if everything else I wanted is lost, it seems insignificant. 

The only thing that bothers me is that I know a part of me will always look back at all of this and be angry at myself because what I did screwed up the origional dreams. 

I still have a bad feeling that she will go. Most people wouldn't blame her for leaving and neither can I.

I often find myself asking "Lord what have I done?" It bugs me that something that I did and stopped doing 3 to 4 years ago, before we ever met is destroying at least some of my dreams now and possibly all of them. Just so you know, its not illegal, just highly immoral and repulsive. If I made the specifics public, 90% of the world probably would not want to talk to me again. I'm fortunute she still talks occasionally when she's not so upset that she doesn't even want to see me.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Magellan said:


> I think my wife of 5 months is going to leave me. I don't want to get into too much detail but she found on accident a skeliton from my past (before we ever met) that I thought I had gotten rid of. There is no real way I can prove that was part of my past and not how I am now. And she doesn't belive me when I tell her that. To be fair, I can't blame her for that. I don't think most people would belive me.
> 
> I've never lied to her about anything and I'm not lying about this. But since I can't prove it I've realized there is nothing more I can do.
> 
> ...


I am sorry but I am totally confused , what exactly a skeliton is that you are talking about ? And Why it was part of your past ? could you clarify ?


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Honestly, it seems like you need to figure out how to forgive yourself for whatever this skeleton is. Only then can you ask her forgiveness.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

GoDucks said:


> Honestly, it seems like you need to figure out how to forgive yourself for whatever this skeleton is. Only then can you ask her forgiveness.


I hope op isn't cannibal .:scratchhead:


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## Magellan (Sep 16, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> I am sorry but I am totally confused , what exactly a skeliton is that you are talking about ? And Why it was part of your past ? could you clarify ?


I wish I could clarify but I can't. Its really hard to explain it all without getting into what I was doing which I'm not willing to do at this point.



GoDucks said:


> Honestly, it seems like you need to figure out how to forgive yourself for whatever this skeleton is. Only then can you ask her forgiveness.


I'm not sure if I've forgiven myself or not.

For a while up until recently I just stopped thinking about it. I sort of blocked it from my mind. But I'm not sure I ever came to a complete grip of how wrong it was.

Now I'm mostly upset that my past behavior has hurt my wife to this level. I'm also mad at myself because this is very possibly going to screw up the best thing I ever had. 

To be honest I don't think she knows what she wants to do. Last night she expressed how upset she is that life has led her here and told me that she hates me right now. That hurts a lot but I totally get why. She's in a place where she's lost the will to live. I don't think she's quite suicidal but she's in a place where (if you have ever been there you understand) the thought of dying soon isn't a terribly depressing proposion. She told me that she doesn't want to leave for at least another 3 weeks until after her parents move. I guess the only good thing is that if she didn't have some part of her that wanted to stay that she would have left already. But I'm not sure that part will win out in the end. 

Early this morning she allowed me to snuggle with her a bit, but got upset when I tried to kiss her on the cheek. I told her I was sorry for trying to do that as it was too soon. I find myself kissing my wedding ring in place of her. I did that a lot when we where long distance.

I don't know what to think of it. I apprechiate it (the snuggling) only because every time I do it, I feel like it might be the last time. I want to take it as her trying to forgive me, but I there isn't enough reason to belive that yet.

Right now I'm welcoming any thing that might prove to her I'm not involved in that any more. I basically invited her to snoop on me, for the rest of my life if need be. I've broken our trust and if she decides to stay as far as I'm concerned she has every right to check my every move.

Its hard for me to stay at work, I want to leave early and I really have a hard time concentrating. I'm always afraid I'll come home and she'll be gone. Although I think if she decided to leave she would wait and tell me so I could say goodbye to the puppy (because I asked her to). Also a lot of times I want to cry at work.. I nervous a lot, This causes me to be thirsty and I drink a lot of water. My bottle of water that I normally bring to work that normally lasts me the whole day, now only makes it through half of the day. The only good thing is that work sometimes provides some sort of escape so I can think about other things. But thats only occasionally. I'd like to escape it when I'm at home. But I know she's there and she's often ignoring me and staying away from me. So thats always on the back of my mind and I really can't laugh or enjoy anything. I have occasional panic attacks.

As stupid as it sounds I told the puppy that was sorry because of what I did that I might not get to be his "daddy" anymore, but that mommy would take care of him.

I've wreaked everything, and I won't be able to forgive myself for that until she either forgives me for it or leaves and has been gone for a while. I don't know how long it will take then. 

I can't belive that the person that I love the most in this world is also the person that I've hurt the most in this world. That kills me inside. 

I can give no logical reason why she should stay with me. She deserves better then this.

I feel like my life is over, which I know is not logical considering I'm 28. But if she leaves part of me believes that I'll never get over it. And then if I can get over it, another part of me tells me that I'll never find love again. The fact that in 28 years only one person ever loved me for any length of time isn't a coincidence. She's the only person who really made me feel like I was someone. The fact that she loved me alone made me feel like a winner when before that I had no reason to feel that way. 

And then I don't know how I could go about getting over this. Yesterday I passed a park while on a short errand for work that she and I had gone for a walk around and had a lot of fun. It made me lose my mind. When I think of all the places that where special to us. The resteraunt where I asked her to marry me, the other park by the river where we had visited back when we where engaged and she came and visited me. Even when I pass certain things, like horses and livestock which she was always happy to see. (Where she came from you didn't see these things much.)

Right now there isn't much I can think of that doesn't remind me of her and how I've messed up the best thing in my life. 

If she leaves I wonder if I should check in to therapy or something. I don't know how I'll even be able to breathe.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Tell her the truth and go from there. Tell her everything about this skeleton in your closet. No more surprises. If she wants to work on it then go from there. If she can't handle it then next time you know that disclosing this hidden skeleton might be your best option with your next relationship.


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## Magellan (Sep 16, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> Tell her the truth and go from there. Tell her everything about this skeleton in your closet. No more surprises. If she wants to work on it then go from there. If she can't handle it then next time you know that disclosing this hidden skeleton might be your best option with your next relationship.


I did that immediatly.

Some updates, after I posted here we had a couple of good days and it seemed like we where making progress. Then she had a bad day and was angry for most of the day and said that she thought she should leave.

I had a panic attack again. Later that night she woke me up and said that she wanted to stay and she loved me but I can't lie to her. I havn't been.

So I guess we have to take this one day at a time and try to work on it.


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