# Husband stopped direct deposit into our joined bank account



## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

My story in short : Have been married for 20+ years. Filed for divorce a month ago.
Told my husband about my decision 2 weeks ago (he had to find out somehow). Next day he "accidently" locked all visa credit cards (we usually bought groceries with visa cards) I was in for a big surprise when in store both (different visas) were declined! When I got home, I told him it's illegal to do that because I am STILL your wife! He replied : "I did it on accident"... accident my a..s! He never did anything like that in 20+ years and suddenly he "accidently" (of course) locked visa cards! He told me he opened them back up but AFTER I was forced to use my own money to buy groceries.
I was a housewife/stay at home mom. I had a part-time job and I was NOT making nearly as my hubby was. He told me that day : "you filed legal action against me, I will close our visas and I will close our checking account" HE is the one who was deciding what he's gonna do and how he's going to do it! He had the money, HE WAS IN CONTROL of the situation! He was threatening me! 
Today, 2 weeks after the credit card "accident" I find out that he hasn't been depositing his salary into our joint account. Our joined account has like barely enough to pay next month's mortgage! Mortgage is in his name, but all 3 of us still live in the house : My husband, I and our son! I don't know what his plan is, but looks like he wants to kick me to curb side after 20+ years in marriage! I called my lawyer today. Left a message but not sure if it will get to her or not... Is there something can be done to prevent this financial abuse?? Two days ago he REFUSED to buy our son a $7.00 ice cream at the grocery store - telling our son it was "expensive" he's earning more than $125k a year plus bonuses! 
Thanks!


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## Stillphotenic (Jul 8, 2021)

anna2020 said:


> My story in short : Have been married for 20+ years. Filed for divorce a month ago.
> Told my husband about my decision 2 weeks ago (he had to find out somehow). Next day he "accidently" locked all visa credit cards (we usually bought groceries with visa cards) I was in for a big surprise when in store both (different visas) were declined! When I got home, I told him it's illegal to do that because I am STILL your wife! He replied : "I did it on accident"... accident my a..s! He never did anything like that in 20+ years and suddenly he "accidently" (of course) locked visa cards! He told me he opened them back up but AFTER I was forced to use my own money to buy groceries.
> I was a housewife/stay at home mom. I had a part-time job and I was NOT making nearly as my hubby was. He told me that day : "you filed legal action against me, I will close our visas and I will close our checking account" HE is the one who was deciding what he's gonna do and how he's going to do it! He had the money, HE WAS IN CONTROL of the situation! He was threatening me!
> Today, 2 weeks after the credit card "accident" I find out that he hasn't been depositing his salary into our joint account. Our joined account has like barely enough to pay next month's mortgage! Mortgage is in his name, but all 3 of us still live in the house : My husband, I and our son! I don't know what his plan is, but looks like he wants to kick me to curb side after 20+ years in marriage! I called my lawyer today. Left a message but not sure if it will get to her or not... Is there something can be done to prevent this financial abuse?? Two days ago he REFUSED to buy our son a $7.00 ice cream at the grocery store - telling our son it was "expensive" he's earning more than $125k a year plus bonuses!
> Thanks!


What was your plan when u told him you filed for divorce ? What did you expect to happen ? I’m asking you not to chastise you or demean your post because it’s wrong what he is doing - but take some accountability And realistic approach to this…. Once that is done - u can handle the situation better Ans maybe think ahead on how to deal with his financial abuse


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Why did you file for divorce? Is there another man in the picture, or any infidelity on either side?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

anna2020 said:


> My story in short : Have been married for 20+ years. Filed for divorce a month ago.
> Told my husband about my decision 2 weeks ago (he had to find out somehow). Next day he "accidently" locked all visa credit cards (we usually bought groceries with visa cards) I was in for a big surprise when in store both (different visas) were declined! When I got home, I told him it's illegal to do that because I am STILL your wife! He replied : "I did it on accident"... accident my a..s! He never did anything like that in 20+ years and suddenly he "accidently" (of course) locked visa cards! He told me he opened them back up but AFTER I was forced to use my own money to buy groceries.
> I was a housewife/stay at home mom. I had a part-time job and I was NOT making nearly as my hubby was. He told me that day : "you filed legal action against me, I will close our visas and I will close our checking account" HE is the one who was deciding what he's gonna do and how he's going to do it! He had the money, HE WAS IN CONTROL of the situation! He was threatening me!
> Today, 2 weeks after the credit card "accident" I find out that he hasn't been depositing his salary into our joint account. Our joined account has like barely enough to pay next month's mortgage! Mortgage is in his name, but all 3 of us still live in the house : My husband, I and our son! I don't know what his plan is, but looks like he wants to kick me to curb side after 20+ years in marriage! I called my lawyer today. Left a message but not sure if it will get to her or not... Is there something can be done to prevent this financial abuse?? Two days ago he REFUSED to buy our son a $7.00 ice cream at the grocery store - telling our son it was "expensive" he's earning more than $125k a year plus bonuses!
> Thanks!


Once you filed, each spouse's earnings became separate property. So his check is his to keep and do with as he pleases, and your check is yours to keep and do with as you please. On your divorce papers you indicated a date of separation, and as of that date, the joint account balance can be divided in half, each of you get half, and that account can be closed. 

So it's not a threat at all--that is the natural result of divorcing someone. That means you do not want him to be your husband anymore--so you lose the bad parts about him that drove you nuts, but you ALSO lost the good parts such as access to his paycheck and him paying the mortgage. It's not financial abuse at all. You decided to divorce and absent an agreement or a temporary support order from the courts, he's free to keep and protect his money. 

In addition, during a divorce if you and your spouse opened joint credit cards, it's wise to close them, and here's why. In common law states you will be held responsible for any debts accrued solely in your name, while you’ll be jointly liable for any debt that is under the names of both you and your ex-spouse. On the other hand in community law states (there are nine, including Texas and California), you will be held jointly responsible for *all* debt accrued during the marriage — even if it’s only in one spouse’s name! Either way, you filed a legal document that you are firing him from being your husband, and he is protecting himself from being liable for any additional debt you incur: by either closing joint credit card (so you put any cards in your own name and it's your responsibility) OR by keeping you from running up debt he'd be held responsible for! 

Since you are divorcing, now would be an excellent time for you to figure out how YOU are going to be responsible for YOUR OWN finances. Some of it may be via court orders child support and alimony, and if that's part of your strategy, just know that until a court ORDERS HIM, he is under no obligation to support you at all...and he can support his own child his own self. So I'd say #1, get a temporary order as soon as at all possible. 

Next, if the mortgage is in his name, he may or may not choose to pay it, so how are you going to provide your own roof over your head? Was the house in his name before you married? Was he the one who made most of the payments? Are you on the deed? As the mortgagee, he's most likely liable to continue the payments or hurt his credit, but he may just want to sell and move. Either way, you need to figure out your plan for where you're going to live. Unless a judge ORDERS him to let you stay in the house and pay the mortgage (which is HIGHLY unlikely), chances are much greater that you'll move into your own house, he'll move into his own house, this house will be sold and the mortgage paid off...and depending on whether you're on the deed or not, the profit may or may not be split. Sooooo...how do you intend to earn your own home?

Finally, as an example, when my ex-H and I divorced, he left me with two kids, no job, and our mortgage and bills 3-months behind. I got a full-time job working for the federal government, I told the loan company and utilities what had happened, and I put off my mortgage payment one month (added a payment at the end of the loan), and then worked out repayment where I paid the full payment plus one-third for three months...then I was all caught up. He didn't pay me a dime until a judge ordered him to, and that included child support for the kids. It took maybe a month for the temporary order to be in place, and about 6 months for the whole divorce. I asked for Child Support, but since I was able-bodied I decided I wouldn't even ask for alimony so I could not be under his control anymore. I also asked for his CS to be garnished by the state and paid to me, because he had a nasty habit of "paying when he wanted to" in an attempt to be controlling. So I was free of him--but I also got had to pay all my own bills and my own mortgage and my own credit cards and my own car payment...from my own earnings.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why would you leave out in your post why you told him you wanted a divorce?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am not sure what you expected when you started the divorce. He was hardly going to be happy about it .


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

yeah, I have to admit, if you're moving on to another, he's thinking "let him pay for the kids."


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It's understandable that you would be feeling hysterical at this situation, but I want to point out something that is a flaw in your thinking. 

Just because the money is no longer being put into your joint account doesn't mean he won't pay the mortgage. Unless, of course, he has indicated otherwise and I just missed it. 



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

NTA said:


> yeah, I have to admit, if you're moving on to another, he's thinking "let him pay for the kids."


What gave you the idea that I am leaving for "another"? I was in ABUSIVE relationship! Financial abuse! He would not buy our son an ice cream because it was "too expensive" $7! But he bought for himself a steak! WHy are you creating some fantasy and adding your fantasy to my story???


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

> Since you are divorcing, now would be an excellent time for you to figure out how YOU are going to be responsible for YOUR OWN finances.


I don't know where you are getting your information from, but when one spouse is asking another spouse to QUIT their business/job to be stay at home parent/wife, that spouse is supposed to financially provide for the child/children/spouse! We are NOT divorced yet!! The papers have been filed that's it! We are still husband and wife. The husband is earning WAY more than the wife, who raised their child, helped the husband build his career so he became an executive! Now the husband without saying a word to his wife, cut off the wife from his finances while they are STILL husband and wife! The husband NEVER paid for child's vacations! The husband always told his wife and his child "you eat too much" or he told our son "go work to earn money for your college books". The husband makes more than six figure salary and buys himself brand new expensive cars every 3 years! While his child has to work for $10/hour to pay for his college tuition/books! He cannot leave his (ex family) stranded! There are LAWS! A husband is supposed to provide the same lifestyle to his wife/child and not cut off their "oxygen". I've been applying for jobs and because I had 20 years of no work experience (huge gap) nobody's taking me! 
What was I thinking when I filed? I was thinking that I CANNOT take anymore his endless prostitutes and sex with co-workers. He wasn't even hiding it anymore! I could not take him LYING all the time every single word! I could not take him doing whatever he wanted to do with whomever but not with his wife. I could not take anymore his financial and emotional abuse! I had to ask him to be intimate with me while other men have told me how attractive I am! I've never cheated on him with anyone! But he has plenty of times! I found his sexting with ex-co worker and her sending him sexually explicit photos! Why I filed for divorce???..... was I supposed to sit quiet and pretend like my life is great??? I filed because I was miserable and I cried EVERY DAY and he did NOT CARE!


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

anna2020 said:


> What gave you the idea that I am leaving for "another"? I was in ABUSIVE relationship! Financial abuse! He would not buy our son an ice cream because it was "too expensive" $7! But he bought for himself a steak! WHy are you creating some fantasy and adding your fantasy to my story???


Why you want a divorce is important and would inform his reaction to your filing. A friend of mine who was getting a divorce during the 80s due to his wife having an affair, said that he knew it was important to start up the child support before being asked to would help with later negotiations with a third party ie court,etc.

Ask your lawyer whether it would help to make a reasonable budget to demand from your estranged husband. This would probably also make him very keen to negotiate.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Anna, each state is different... that is why legal counseling is always advised.

In community property states the laws while sounding similar play out different depending on conditions.

The sooner you have a clear outline of the rights you have, the better you will be for future financial planning.

How old is your son?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

anna2020 said:


> What gave you the idea that I am leaving for "another"? I was in ABUSIVE relationship! Financial abuse! He would not buy our son an ice cream because it was "too expensive" $7! But he bought for himself a steak! WHy are you creating some fantasy and adding your fantasy to my story???


1. $7 for an ice cream cone? Where do you live? Not that it matters for the sake of this discussion but I’m curious.

2. What you have described is not financial abuse. Maybe your husband has been abusive in some ways, but what you have written in your post does not describe that.

3. You didn’t answer the question about another man. You just questioned why we would ask that and mentioned abuse without specific details.
Is there another man in the picture in any way?

4. When you filed for divorce, you told your husband: I don’t love you anymore, I don’t want you anymore, and we are no longer partners. I’m moving on with my own life without you to find someone better.
-And that’s fine, but I’m not sure what you expected, that he would continue to act like a partner to make the split easier for you?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. $7 for an ice cream cone? Where do you live? Not that it matters for the sake of this discussion but I’m curious.
> 
> 2. What you have described is not financial abuse. Maybe your husband has been abusive in some ways, but what you have written in your post does not describe that.
> 
> ...


You would need to read her other posts to fully understand. Her husband has doing some crazy stuff with their finances for quite sometime. I know in one post she said he was cashing in CC rewards points and the dollar amounts were inline with more than $70k of spending on the card, in just a few months, maybe a year. Even with a decent $125k salary that says something bad is going on. Plus just other things like keeping her in the dark about family finances. Siphoning off what little she did earn, etc. And if I recall correctly she was quite sure he is cheating on her. She should have left this guy long ago. Finally she is doing it, but it seems like she wasn't fully prepared to protect herself. Although, I think since he had complete control over their finances I'm not sure there was much she could do.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

anna2020 said:


> I don't know where you are getting your information from, but when one spouse is asking another spouse to QUIT their business/job to be stay at home parent/wife, that spouse is supposed to financially provide for the child/children/spouse! We are NOT divorced yet!! The papers have been filed that's it! We are still husband and wife. The husband is earning WAY more than the wife, who raised their child, helped the husband build his career so he became an executive! Now the husband without saying a word to his wife, cut off the wife from his finances while they are STILL husband and wife!


In a court of law, once the papers are filed, whether they are legal separation papers or divorce papers, from that day forward the two people begin to disentangle and are no longer "husband and wife" and I don't mean morally or legally, but rather they are viewed as seperate people rather than one entity (a married couple). So as of the day you filed for divorce papers, your finances are your own...and his finances are his own. 

Now it's true that a judge will likely consider that you were a SAHM and provided free maid service and child care and chef and laundry services for 20 years. I also know that a judge will not look at this like "he should or else it's financial abuse!". A judge will look at this like two separate individuals and a business transaction: divide assets, divide debts, share custody, assign CS by a calcuation, and assign alimony if your state laws allow it. Meanwhile, until a judge hears your case and orders all that, your STBXH is free to be mean, be wrong, be a jerk even because he can choose to do that and the judge isn't there to punish him for being selfish. You can choose to ignore me if you'd like, but I'm suggesting for your own good that your best option is to consider how YOU will provide for YOURSELF. Read the laws of your state so you can estimate what your CS and alimony might be...bearing in mind you'll likely have your child half the time. Estimate your share of the assets AND DEBTS and then figure out how you plan to be free of him financially.



> The husband NEVER paid for child's vacations! The husband always told his wife and his child "you eat too much" or he told our son "go work to earn money for your college books". The husband makes more than six figure salary and buys himself brand new expensive cars every 3 years! While his child has to work for $10/hour to pay for his college tuition/books! He cannot leave his (ex family) stranded! There are LAWS! A husband is supposed to provide the same lifestyle to his wife/child and not cut off their "oxygen". I've applying for jobs and because I had 20 years of no work experience (huge gap) nobody's taking me!


Well we can agree that he's pretty mean! We can agree that what he's doing is wrong and spiteful and selfish and greedy even! But that won't mean anything in court, and divorce is a court-related, law-related act. So what will be applicable is LAWS, not getting even and not getting vengeance. In fact, did you know that courts of law aren't actually about justice? NOPE. Justice would be if he was forced to pay for vacations and college books and stuff, right? But a court of law is just going to say: "He makes 100k, she makes 6k, together they make 106k so they should each have 53k to live on...he pays her 47k annually for 4k per month" ... like a calculation, not like justice. And again, NONE of that is enforceable at all until a court ORDERS it. Once a court orders it, he can still choose to be a nutjob and refuse, in which case, you would have to take him to court for Contempt and then the judge would put out a warrant or have him arrested or whatever the judge decides to do. A LOT of time could go by! Soooooo...how are you going to take care of your own self financially? At the moment you have a place to live, a car, and some funds, so you're in an okay place to create a plan. 



> What was I thinking when I filed? I was thinking that I CANNOT take anymore his endless prostitutes and sex with co-workers. He wasn't even hiding it anymore! I could not take him LYING all the time every single word! I could not take him doing whatever he wanted to do with whomever but not with his wife. I could not take anymore his financial and emotional abuse! I had to ask him to be intimate with me while other men have told me how attractive I am! I've never cheated on him with anyone! But he has plenty of times! I found his sexting with ex-co worker and her sending him sexually explicit photos! Why I filed for divorce???..... was I supposed to sit quiet and pretend like my life is great??? I filed because I was miserable and I cried EVERY DAY and he did NOT CARE!


I understand that you were beyond unhappy and that your hurt didn't matter to him. Obviously that's why you filed. I think what people meant--myself included--was more like asking "Did you think he'd suddenly become nice because you're divorcing him?" He's shown you who he is--a pretty nasty, selfish fella if he's like you describe him--but when one party divorces another it's kind of like declaring war. You fired him. Soooo...he accepted your war challenge and stopped taking care of you like a husband should. That's what divorce means. 

Listen, you sound very upset. I get that. But being emotional and yelling at people who are trying to help you is not going to help you. I want to help you, seriously. The best help I can give you is a REALISTIC view of what divorce means. It means you would be wise to actually read the divorce laws in your state so you are informed and know what is going to happen. It means now is a wise time to consider how you intend to provide for yourself on your own. It means prepare to live a life without him in it...but also without ANY of his help in any way. It means adjusting your viewpoint so you stop hurting yourself expecting your enemy (STBX) to help you and then crying when your enemy bites you. It means learning to have mastery over your emotions and acting from reason and not reacting.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

talk to your lawyer about getting some sort of pendente lite support while the divorce is proceeding. 

Do not assume you will be awarded alimony. Start getting your own financial ducks in a row.


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## Vesarwyar (Jul 14, 2021)

God, it's not a nice thing to do! I'll tell you right off the bat, as someone who's been in a similar situation recently, he has no right to close all your accounts. You need to contact a lawyer as soon as possible. He will already help you with the paperwork, and he will solve such issues. Just a few months ago, I divorced my wife, but we had a problem in that she wanted to take half of my business. So the issue was resolved in court, and luckily my best lawyer from this office Solicitors Sudbury | Colchester | Bury St Edmunds| Braintree | Suffolk, helped me a lot, and I don't owe her anything anymore.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@anna2020, you have gotten good advice here, use it and leave the rest behind. If you feel posters are bullying and accusing you of falsehoods the ignore feature can your friend.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

If your only child is in college, CS will likely not be a given, although your H may be ordered to share in (or fully cover) tuition costs. As for alimony, assuming you are not disabled, this is likely to be short-term, as there is nothing preventing you from seeking employment with a college-aged child.

Talk to your lawyer to gain a better understanding of what is likely to happen in your case. Frankly, I am surprised that s/he didn't have this conversation with you _before_ filing.


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

Oh im so sorry. 

In hindsight you cannot change what it done. My mom was a stay at home mom.and she filed D. She was paid child support alimony and medical bills. My dad gave her more than ordered. 

I had a spouse who controlled our finances and dumped over 150g on drugs. Went into foreclosure. 
My sons got a job. Graduated high school. He paid his own college books and 5 years tuition in cash. He is starting his first teaching gig this fall. I got numerous side gigs cleaning houses and dug myself out of a chapter 13 after ending up in foreclosure. I just paid that off. 

The reason i mention this is because while it was unfair .it was reality. 
This is now your reality. Look on craigslist gigs for jobs or post an ad offering housecleaning or other tasks your skilled at. 

You can do this. Just need to calm down and come up with a plan. You probably are dealing with the emotions of his choices and your current finances all at once and feels fearful. This is a transition and can be scary. Self care daily and go for walks to clear your mind.


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## maywarren (Sep 27, 2021)

Hey, I read very carefully both the history described by you and all the comments here. Of course it is enormously sad that you have come into such a situation. Especially when all the problems are related to your family, then the pain is much greater and harder to pass. I think you won't have any support from him already. You will have neither moral nor financial support. I propose, as an alternative solution, to address Paystub Generator | The Best Checkstub Maker Online in USA. thus at least you will make a financial clarity. I at least use this platform so as not to blur in my expenses and income


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## HaJas (Nov 3, 2021)

anna2020 said:


> My story in short : Have been married for 20+ years. Filed for divorce a month ago.
> Told my husband about my decision 2 weeks ago (he had to find out somehow). Next day he "accidently" locked all visa credit cards (we usually bought groceries with visa cards) I was in for a big surprise when in store both (different visas) were declined! When I got home, I told him it's illegal to do that because I am STILL your wife! He replied : "I did it on accident"... accident my a..s! He never did anything like that in 20+ years and suddenly he "accidently" (of course) locked visa cards! He told me he opened them back up but AFTER I was forced to use my own money to buy groceries.
> I was a housewife/stay at home mom. I had a part-time job and I was NOT making nearly as my hubby was. He told me that day : "you filed legal action against me, I will close our visas and I will close our checking account" HE is the one who was deciding what he's gonna do and how he's going to do it! He had the money, HE WAS IN CONTROL of the situation! He was threatening me!
> Today, 2 weeks after the credit card "accident" I find out that he hasn't been depositing his salary into our joint account. Our joined account has like barely enough to pay next month's mortgage! Mortgage is in his name, but all 3 of us still live in the house : My husband, I and our son! I don't know what his plan is, but looks like he wants to kick me to curb side after 20+ years in marriage! I called my lawyer today. Left a message but not sure if it will get to her or not... Is there something can be done to prevent this financial abuse?? Two days ago he REFUSED to buy our son a $7.00 ice cream at the grocery store - telling our son it was "expensive" he's earning more than $125k a year plus bonuses!
> Thanks!


That is finicial abuse. File a Emergancy order through the courts.


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