# How to love again



## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

My marriage has had its ups and downs over the past ten years. I posted here a month ago (but then felt weird about it so deleted it). Things were really bad between me and my husband -- poor communication, resentment, anger, very little sex, disagreements over parenting, etc, etc. After posting here, my husband and I had a breakthrough. After years of trying to get him to understand, he finally heard me. My husband apologized for past wrongs, told me how important I am to him, and is trying so hard to be a better man. I am also working on things and have stopped yelling and nagging and living in the moment more often rather than focusing on the past. The problem? I just am not feeling it. I want to feel it. I want to love this man, but I just don't. For the past few years, my husband told me nothing was wrong, that I was just being crazy. He told me that he would never change and I would "have to decide what to do." After hearing that so many times, I think I just gave up and shut down. Now this man is saying things and doing things that I have waited years for. Why isn't my heart responding? I still keep feeling like he is just not "the one." I keep feeling like maybe he is just not my "soul mate." I don't believe in fairy tales and don't want perfection, but I just don't know how to feel the love again.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's not going to happen over night. And the grass really isn't greener in most instances when you have two people willing to work and compromise.

I think you should see a marriage counselor who can help you communicate even better and find ways to rebuild that lovin feelin.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

I have been seeing a counselor. My husband refuses. He is a very intelligent man and feels he doesn't need someone else to tell him what to do. He has agreed to do some marriage workbooks at home so we are slowly working on those.


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## Needingmore (May 2, 2013)

For a long, long time he refused to work on anything. He basically drew a line in the sand and refused to cross it. At least now he is really trying. It just feels like my heart is no longer invested. I have had horrible thoughts for a long time now. Fantasies of him dying. Fantasies of my own apartment and my own life as a single mother. I just don't know how to get back to wanting him. From the very beginning of our relationship, I had a feeling that he would not be able to emotionally satisfy me. I still have those doubts.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You've learned to build some barriers up to protect yourself, prob over years of time. They are not gonna come down quickly. Do you spend 10-15 hours a week with him, doing stuff together, just the two of you. That's a good start to re-find each other a little. Date nights, at least twice a month would also be a good start.


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