# Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?



## JQR (Jul 6, 2013)

I've perused this forum for a while, but this is the first time I've had the courage to post anything, so thank you guys for hearing me out.

I've been married to my wife for almost 10 years now, and I'm very proud that we've had so many great memories that we've built together. Despite the fact that I've had a job that often takes me away, we've always cherished each other and been faithful and put each other first. Not a perfect marriage, but I do feel its been fantastic in so many ways.

But now, coming up on the 10-year anniversary next month, there is one thing in reflection I'm not sure how to deal with going forward: my wife's weight.

My wife was only 150lbs when we got married (we were both just 23 back then). I know its not uncommon for women to put on 100 or 200 pounds in the first decade, but I'm aware my wife has put on close to 400 pounds.

I try to be very supportive and I never bring up her weight. It's her body, and her decision. I treat it like its not an issue. I've tried to make her feel comfortable even as her weight has continued to go up, but at this point its becoming harder to figure out ways to make things work at over 500 pounds.

For example: I scope out the public places before we go out to make sure there are seats strong enough and wide enough for her; make sure she doesn't have to walk very far because that's becoming really hard right now; and try to be seated in areas where people won't stare... I know its difficult to be at this weight and I don't want to make it any more uncomfortable than it already is for her. I've also gone ahead and switched out the furniture at home and made it easier for her to get deliveries while I'm away.

To be frank, a lot of this stuff can be a little bit humiliating. The more I do as a husband to absorb that, the less she has to sort through. And I'm proud of that, as difficult as it is.

That being said, I haven't seen any posts here about how to deal with wives continuing to gain weight when they are already at her size. I don't know of ANY resources to help me out with this. I want to be a really great husband for her, but as the mobility things are starting to become issues, I don't really know who to ask, and about what to do next. Are there any men or women here that could speak from experience on this? Please?

Thanks so much. I love her endlessly and don't want this to be any more difficult than it has to be.


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

I would bring it up to her, and speak with concern for her health, because lets face it, at 400-500 lbs she will more than likely have an abundance of metrical problems. 

Maybe you could join her in an exercise and diet regiment. 

You sound like a very loving husband, but I don't think you should readjust everything in your life to accommodate her weight. Maybe some uncomfortable suituations will give her the motivation she needs.

One side of my extended family is rather large and struggled with weight problems their whole life. My (favorite) aunt, after loosing her brother in law, has decided to get surgery after years of failed diets. I know how much of a struggle this type of weight can cause.

Does she talk about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense... But if your wife has put on 400 pounds in 10 years, that's not normal. That's 3 pounds per month, each and every month. I'd guess either something is medically wrong or emotionally. And rather than being proud of enabling her behaviour, it would be healthier for both of you if you'd help her fix things.

Have you had a talk with her about her weight, about making changes for both of you to be healthier? Has she had medical checkups? 

C


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I take it she has not been to the doctor in 10 years? I think its time to have a talk with her, you can't continue to tip toe around an issue if you want things to have a chance at changing. 

Do you all have kids? Is there anyone else in her family or yours that feels the same as you do? Has no one made any suggestions on what to do or where to start?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I know its not uncommon for women to put on 100 or 200 pounds in the first decade, but I'm aware my wife has put on close to 400 pounds.


Uh - I'm not sure where that is coming from. I know a lot of people comment about wives gaining weight, but in most cases we are talking about 50 lbs not - 200 lbs. That's serious. 

What proceeded this?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You are a very dedicated husband. Have you thought about taking her to a doctor and have the doctor explain the medical concerns of her weight? She's at risk for her life at that weight. Her weight issue is definitely something that would need immediate attention. 

Right now you are being codependent in her weight gain. You've got to stop this or she will lose her life if she continues to gain weight. There are in house treatment centers that know how to deal with this. I'm not sure if your going to find anyone with this same issue here. There has to be help on how to deal with this through a specialist that deals with this type of weight gain. I hope there's somewhere in your area that can help you. Most people don't gain 50lbs in 10 years. Your weight standard is a bit high.

Good luck and I hope you and your wife succeed into a better lifestyle. I imagine something tragic happened that triggered her to start gaining weight. I personally don't know anyone that has that type of weight issue. I've watched a few documentaries about it since I was so intrigued about this condition.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Did something tragic happen to her or a loved one? I have never heard of this amount of weight in this amount of time. Its off the charts really. 

You sound like a loving caring husband, but one that might be a bit co-dependent. I'm sure you didn't say anything over the years because you didn't want to rock the boat, and yes because you obviously love her for her, BUT, sometimes not speaking up can do more harm than good, especially if someones health/life might be at risk. 

I would start by getting some family members/friends on board with you about this. You could talk with her by yourself first, then perhaps have like a "intervention" type of thing with family and loved ones. She needs to know shes loved and that people care about her and her health. 

How does she get around? If you are out of town on your job is there anyone that checks on her? Also you might want to consult a doctor yourself, and get some health care providers on board with you as well. It will take a team of experts as well as loved ones to help.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Has she always struggled, I know you mention she was 150lbs depending on her height that could be over weight. 

If she's always been over weight mostly bad habits and sometimes bad genes.

If she put on all this weight but, was normal weight your looking at bigger problem.

It could be a medical issue or mental.

What does she say? How does she feel? I'm asuming it's hard for both of you, and commend you as a husband. Due to how much she weights it's better to seek a bariatrics doctor. There are many advances in both medicine and insurance policies. You have to fight the insurance company but, most bariatrics clinics know how to do this.
Does your employer if in the US have an employee assistance program? If do, seek help they have many resources from counseling to gym membership you can get for free or at discounted rates. They can even help you find the right doctor for her.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

JQR said:


> My wife was only 150lbs when we got married (we were both just 23 back then). I know its not uncommon for women to put on 100 or 200 pounds in the first decade, but I'm aware my wife has put on close to 400 pounds.


Where have you heard that?! It is VERY uncommon where I live to see anyone putting on 75 pounds let alone 100 to 200 pounds. I don't know any woman among my acquaintances, at work, in the neighborhood who has put on that much weight. If you don't mind me asking where's your general geographic location?

Would she consider gastric bypass surgery? At that weight, she'd certainly qualify assuming she doesn't have other health issues that would complicate the surgery. But you have to go through pre-counseling and post-counseling before such surgery. It's not a cure for an addiction to food.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

There's a show on cable TV (assuming you're in the USA), called Big Medicine. I've watched it a few times. It's about a father and son doctor team in Houston, Texas who do bariatric surgery on morbidly obese patients. They have a whole team and program that you might be interested in. http://www.thedavisclinic.com/our-surgeons


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## Forever Me (May 20, 2013)

I think it's important to look at how this weight came on, as well as how she mentally feels about it. Weight is an extremely hard thing for most women to talk about with anyone. Personally I was heavy when I met my husband, and easily put on about 150lbs the first 5 years of marriage (and more since then). For us, it was me (a person who was raised on a strict diet and serving sizes, because I gain easily) moving in with him (a naturally thin, can eat anything in any quantity without gaining an ounce man) and eating the way he was. I had never had the freedom to choose my food and how much to eat, so I ate bite for bite what he did. If he ate 4 snacks a day, so was I, and I have paid the price. 

For the last few years, I have desperately wanted to lose the weight. At first, he was fine with that, but as I started to change the dinner menu in the house, I realized that he really only wanted to support me, if it didn't effect him in any way. I am expected to fix him what he is use to, but then fix myself what I need to be healthier. He brings in sweets and offers them to me out of habit, and I have not been strong enough with it in my face to always turn it down. It has come to the point a couple times where I cry and beg for his help, and he is good for a couple weeks, and then old habits creep back in. 

Food certainly CAN be an addiction. And it's a very hard one to kick because you can't live without food. It is offered to you in free samples, a little bite here at a family get together, someone makes something special for a holiday, your friends at work want a potluck, or your invited to a baby shower. It's everywhere. You sound like a VERY supportive husband, and it sounds like you two are both still in your early 30's. It's not to late to turn this around, but she will need your help. Tell her you are worried about both of your health. Tell her you love her, and want her in your life for as long as you can, and that healthy choices together, a walk after dinner, these things as a couple can help, as well as bring you closer. She may need a counselor who specializes in eating disorders as well. There are resources out there. You might even be able to find a support group for family members, and see how others have approached this with loved ones.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I know you want to be a supportive husband but I don't think this approach has helped her. Sometimes when I see these programmes about people who are super-morbidly obese I wonder where their friends and family are, how they have not tried to intervene at some point. Because this isn't just an indulgent 'oh you've put on a few pounds honey'. It's a serious risk to your life together and you clearly love her

Treating it like it's not an issue isn't a way forward at this point. What is her diet? It can't be the same as yours so assuming it isn't a medical problem then there must be a disparity in the quantity and content of what you are eating?


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## ShockwaveRider (Jun 21, 2013)

JQR said:


> I want to be a really great husband for her, but as the mobility things are starting to become issues, I don't really know who to ask, and about what to do next. Are there any men or women here that could speak from experience on this? Please?


At the risk of being abrupt, if you love her as much as you say you do you really ought to help her stop abusing the hell out of her body. No human being on the planet can weigh 500+ pounds and be healthy.

One thing I know from experience (since I weigh 300+ pounds) is that you've got to be ramming just UNGODLY QUANTITIES OF FOOD DOWN YOUR NECK to maintain 500+ pounds. I certainly enjoy good food (and good beer) but I'm also 6'3" and built like a Mack truck. I can't even remotely imagine a 500 pound woman.

Good god man, grow a sack full of nuts and save your wife. She clearly needs your help.

Or get used to seeing her every day in a nursing home, like I do with my wife.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, your wife is killing herself, as surely as if she was in a closed garage with the car running.

In my opinion, this is the degree of seriousness with which you need to take this, the same level of seriousness with which you would react if you knew your wife was planning her suicide.

Seek medical and likely psychological assistance swiftly. Take the lead on this, and essentially give your wife no options in the matter. I understand that you can't force her to seek healthiness, but you can make a clear statement that some initial steps WILL be taken, and that you will not allow her to kill herself on your watch.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If she's 500 pounds, it must be difficult for her to get around. So you must helping her by buying the food and/or preparing it for her. You actually have a lot of say and control over what she eats. She can't be gaining weight eating what most people eat. The portions and quantities have to be excessive. As other posters have pointed out, she HAS to be eating A LOT of calories each day to gain that weight and maintain it. It's not the kind of weight you gain by eating a few chips or an ice-cream a few times a week. To gain a pound you need an extra 3,500 calories. If she gained some 350 pounds in your time together as husband and wife, she had to have consumed an ungodly amount of calories. I am not saying that to shame you or attack you. You seem like a nice man, but you're being too nice in enabling her very quick decline. Please contact your local health department or at least call the clinic I listed above. You need to get her help soon.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

JQR said:


> I try to be very supportive and I never bring up her weight.


Being supportive is dealing with the pink elephant in the living room.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Oh my. 
You must be a saint. Not to be negative. You must get her to a doctor - any doctor - ASAP. She needs to get started on the path to wellness. The first start is a primary care doctor. After that she needs to see a bariatric doctor if she is interested in addressing this surgically - or heck, at all. At her weight she might not qualify for surgery because it won't be safe for her to undergo anesthesia. She would need to loose weight first probably. Anyway - it is not normal to gain that much weight and usually there is some sort of underlying psychiatric reason. 
It isn't your fault. 
Help her. 
Best of luck to you and your wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just a note... The OP posted 3 days ago one time, and hasn't been back since...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> Just a note... The OP posted 3 days ago one time, and hasn't been back since...


True..I hope it wasn't a troll. If it's a genuine post, I hope he's reading while lurking.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think the phrase that might have officially tipped it into potential troll zone was the comment "I know its typical for women to gain 100 to 200 lbs in the first decade."


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## JQR (Jul 6, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses. Some of them were a bit harsh, and I found them a bit hurtful to read and respond to. To those of you with the kind words: thank you.

My wife has indeed seen the doctor recently. Our home scale only goes up to 440 pounds, thus the only reason I know she weighs 541 pounds is that it was printed within one of medical documents that was sent home. That being said, she doesn't have high blood pressure or diabetes or any real medical issues often related to being so big (thank God!). She does have acid reflux I think from eating greasy foods and sweets before bed, but the doctor prescribed medicine for that and we should be good to go.

I don't think she is some "ungodly" beast of a person, like some of you suggested. She is my wife, and she is wonderful. She is active in our church, and is very very successful as an independent graphic designer. I do not look down on her for gaining weight. *I think she is beautiful no matter what size she is.*

Back to my original question: does anyone have any suggestions or resources of ways that spouses can adjust their lives to accommodate for ongoing weight gain like this? I want to make sure she's okay _no matter what weight she may be_, even if it does go up from here.

Thank you again to those of you who responded that understand where I'm coming from and didn't pass judgement. 

-James


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## ShockwaveRider (Jun 21, 2013)

JQR said:


> I want to make sure she's okay _no matter what weight she may be_, even if it does go up from here.


Holy good god man, she's already "not okay". She weighs 541 pounds!!!

Feet, ankles, knees, hips, HEART. These things are all going to begin to FAIL unless she gets some help with her WEIGHT.

DISCLAIMER: My Ma was overweight (not 541 pounds) and I certainly think she was a wonderful and beautiful person. She was funny, happy, she could dance, she could cook, she was kind. No one says an overweight person can't be beautiful and wonderful. What we're saying is the SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP TO CONTROL HER WEIGHT.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

JQR said:


> Back to my original question: does anyone have any suggestions or resources of ways that spouses can adjust their lives to accommodate for ongoing weight gain like this? I want to make sure she's okay _no matter what weight she may be_, even if it does go up from here.


Your original question avoids the real problem. 

It would be like saying "I'm going to jump out of an airplane without a parachute, any suggestions as to how I can land on my feet without getting hurt".

The weight gain will undoubtedly lead to health problems and a short life expectancy.

If you love and care for your wife you'll deal with the weight issue directly not just go around rearranging furniture and buying higher capacity scales.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JQR said:


> Thank you all for your responses. Some of them were a bit harsh, and I found them a bit hurtful to read and respond to. To those of you with the kind words: thank you.
> 
> My wife has indeed seen the doctor recently. Our home scale only goes up to 440 pounds, thus the only reason I know she weighs 541 pounds is that it was printed within one of medical documents that was sent home. That being said, she doesn't have high blood pressure or diabetes or any real medical issues often related to being so big (thank God!). She does have acid reflux I think from eating greasy foods and sweets before bed, but the doctor prescribed medicine for that and we should be good to go.
> 
> ...


This is like saying "My wife has diabetes and won't take her insulin. How can I help her when her body systems start shutting down?"

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Don't be scared. She needs you to step up and help her gain control of herself. She is ADDICTED to food. Would you sit there and inject her with heroin if that is what she wanted?

I don't mean to be harsh, but you seem very cowardly and scared of conflict. She is eating her self to death. If you care as much as you state, then the best thing you can do is help her get this under control and not make it easier for her to gain more.

If you are looking for resources to continue to help her kill herself, you could look into steel frame re-inforced furniture and home hospital beds for MORBIDLY obese individuals. She needs to move and control eating!!!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

JQR said:


> Back to my original question: does anyone have any suggestions or resources of ways that spouses can adjust their lives to accommodate for ongoing weight gain like this?
> 
> -James


When I read the above, it didn't come across to me as you asking for help for your wife. It came across to me, as you asking people how YOU can adjust your life with a wife who you will continue to sit back and watch her slowly kill herself. 

People have given you suggestions of things to try to help her. Its wonderful that you love her regardless of her size but this is about her health. What would you do if something happened to her, and you didn't try to help her to possibly help save her from something awful happening? How would that make you feel? And yes, she has to want the help, BUT I don't see where a lot of people are doing much else or stepping in. Its sad.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Okay, if the doctor you went to see is TOTALLY fine with a 541lb woman eating greasy/sweet foods before bed every night and in fact helps ease her discomfort by prescribing her XL Tums or whatever it is that helps (instead of telling her to cut/limit those food items from her diet), then I suppose she must be at the peak of her physical fitness. So I won't judge.

My advice to you, on adjusting to this lifestyle? Install a strong support system/crane above the bed to help her get out of the bed at 600lbs. She'll also need some kind of indoor motorised chair/vehicle to get between the bed and the couch.

Keep her away from hospitals, she might not fit through the doors, and you wouldn't want her to get upset at her own size.

The motorised carts at Walmart have a weight limit of 655lbs, so after that point you'll have to think up another grocery solution that won't remind her of her weight. Maybe she can stay in bed or you can buy some sort of industrial-sized electric wheelchair with a basket.

Buy a couple hundred yards of fabric and elastic. And a sewing machine. You'll have to be making her clothes for her pretty soon (if you're not already). I think YouTube will have tips to sewing your own skirts and muumuus and what have you.

Avoid tropical vacations or trips to Europe for the rest of her life, because she will not fit on the seats in the plane, not even if she buys two. 

When the valves to and from her heart start to clog and harden, making her out of breath or light-headed from simple movements or even sitting up, you could invest in a really comfy support pillow for the bed. You might as well spend a lot on something like this. It'll have to last her the rest of her bed-ridden life. Also, you might need some sort of plastic paddle to keep turning her over, to avoid bed-sores. Unless they don't bother her, then you can probably just leave her on her back until they fester.

Good luck to you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> Keep her away from hospitals, she might not fit through the doors, and you wouldn't want her to get upset at her own size.
> 
> The motorised carts at Walmart have a weight limit of 655lbs, so after that point you'll have to think up another grocery solution that won't remind her of her weight. Maybe she can stay in bed or you can buy some sort of industrial-sized electric wheelchair with a basket.
> 
> ...


To further expand your list, horseback riding is completely out of the question.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

To the OP, I have seen where many people through out this thread has asked questions, questions for whatever reason you didn't really answer. I will ask a few more and hope you will respond. 

You stated she has been to the doctor, and that she did not have high blood pressure, or diabetes etc. BUT did the doctor mention her weight? Surely he said something to her, or you about it and the effects it can have on her health? 

I have seen TV shows of people who weigh 500 or even 600 lbs, and they have a very hard time getting around and doing certain things. You said she is a graphic designer, does she work from home? Or does she have a job that she has to get in a car and go to? I'm assuming shes dependent on you or others for certain things. What does she do, when you are out of town on a job? Who helps her? 

What do her family and friends think of he weight/health? I'm sure they love her for her too, BUT do they also understand she can die from this?


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

This is like finding cheap heroin for your drug addicted wife, so she can afford more. Simply put, she is going to die younger than she has to. Bottom line. It will happen. 

If you truly love her STOP making accommodations. She needs to start to realize that weight gain if that magnitude is not sustainable for the human body. Buying bigger chairs means she doesn't have to change anything, because you will continue to enable her. 

Get her to change, or contemplate what life will be like as a widower. I am sorry. Those are your two options.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, I join the others in saying you are a good person. I would think the logical thing is surgery for her health. She has passed the point where cosmetic and appearance issues are involved and now a walking timebomb for heart and other problems is involved.


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## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

Hate to say it, but you are CODDLING HER FUTURE medical emergencies! and I am NOT kidding! Here are the negative preoccupations of severe weight gain.

- Joint pain and torn ligaments "happened to my wife!!!"
-Loss of work from therapy and loss of income .. "happened to my wife"

- Diabetes
- Stroke
- Cancer
- Invisible Discrimination
- Lower quality of life
- Increased anxiety issues
- More sick often
- Sugar ages the skin
- Reduced energy level
-More difficulty sleeping "or, she needs to sleep more to loose weight"

What YOU need to do is get her into a weight loss program such as 
Herbal Magic. My wife, soon to be my ex, Lost 100 bls from 250 bls to 150. She still exercises every day on her stationary bicycle. She does not eat PROCESSED foods. 

Only eat veggies, fruit, nuts, some dairy some whole grain breads.

Avoid anything wish SUGAR and HighFructoseCorn Syrup or HFCS added to most processed foods.

Can you do us a favor, and provide us a inventory of what is in your refrigerator? Also, DROP the greasy foods. What are you trying to do kill her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You know that this is a health issue.

My suggestion is that you get the book "The Blood Sugar Solution". Read it together. Then do what the book says. It will require that your wife, and probably your family change the way you buy food and eat.


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

[ QUOTE=EleGirl;8321833]You know that this is a health issue.



My suggestion is that you get the book "The Blood Sugar Solution". Read it together. Then do what the book says. It will require that your wife, and probably your family change the way you buy food and eat.[/QUOTE]


While I don't know that book specifically I do agree that a reputable source of diabetic weight management is needed. And at this point programs like "weight watcher" are inappropriate. She needs a medically supervised weight management program. As it is her insulin receptors are probably beat to hell complicating any weight management program.


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## Alisha1 (Apr 21, 2014)

My husband and I have started the Paleo diet together. We have both lost weight. Maybe you could bring it up that you want to be healthier and that the only way you will stick to it is if she is there right beside you to cheer you on, and you will then be able to stick to it better.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Poster made only 2 posts in this thread - and read the OP "It's not uncommon for women to gain 100 - 200 pounds in the first decade."

Don't feed the troll.


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