# communication



## msu_mo (Sep 18, 2008)

My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 years. We don't have any children (another issue altogether).

We have both been unfaithful to each other (towards the beginning of our marriage) and have worked through those issues.

Now the problem seems to be communication. Sometimes I can't talk to him, because I don't want a 30 minute speech from him about what I should do about the situation. I simply want to vent about my day, have him say "Wow, honey, I'm really sorry that happened..." and move on with my day. Instead, he feels that he needs to tell me everything I've done wrong in the situation and how to fix it. However, when he comes to me and wants to vent, he gets exactly what I want. Someone who listens, doesn't judge or give advice, and an "I'm sorry that happened to you." I don't need his advice all the time...I just want to get something off my chest. He seems to think that's how a conversation is supposed to go. I believe it's that way sometimes, but I don't always need to tell me what I should do to fix it. 

I failed to mention that I'm a high school teacher, and have conversations with teenagers all day.

My other problem is that he is very vain. I'm a fairly attractive woman who has gained some weight since we were married, but so has he. As a matter of fact, we've gained about the same amount of weight. Now he has told me that he's not as attracted to me as he was before, but I have NEVER told him that same thing. I love him for what's inside, and I'm not concerned with his weight. He has also told me he wants me to dress a certain way, have my toenails and fingernails done a certain way, likes my hair a certain way, likes when I'm tan, etc etc. Again, I have never made such suggestions to him. Actually the things I've asked him to change are leaving beer bottle caps on the floor (which I then step on) and not having the TV up so loud when I'm trying to sleep. I've been trying to do these things as best I can and when I have time (again, teacher) but I'm getting nothing in return. I want him to change the way he communicates with me, and I'm fine with his appearance. 

At this point, I'm just about done. I tried talking to him earlier and telling him how I feel, but he rolls his eyes, acts childish, dismisses my feelings, and goes back to watching the news. I love the man more than anything, but I'm tired of being unhappy. I just don't know what to do.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would suggest reading The 5 Love Languages by Chapman. It has great advice on how to relate to one another within a marriage. Your husband sounds like a visual person and a 'fixer', neither of which are bad traits to have, just different from yours. I bought the audio version of that book for my husband (he has a long commute) and it helped both of us to related to one another.

It comes down to not trying to 'change' the other person, but a better understanding of how to relate to one another. The more you plug into your husbands needs the better chance he will want to do the same. I would focus less on giving him what you want (letting him vent, not particular about his appearance) and instead focus on what he wants (do the nails/hair, get some new outfits) and see what type of response you get.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Words will do little to change a situation. Until what you are feeling impacts him, he's not going to think twice about it.

With my H I've learned that i cant simply complain. I have to put boundaries up, also. that's when he started noticing and thinking about changing. 

One thing i did learn with my H, though, was that he cant really know when i want him to respond, and when im just rambling. so i started asking him if he could respond because i had something very important i wanted to talk to him about. and id say i wanted to talk about it for 15-30 mins. not only did this help him, but it made me more aware of how quickly i shift from something trivial to something i really want him to respond to. I also learned to respect his boundaries. Sometimes he cant listen and doenst want to respond, and that is ok too.


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