# Is this inappropriate?



## Pounce (Jun 29, 2013)

H and I married for 15 years, 3 kids. Had some issues throughout the years regarding H lying about going out for lunches and/or dinners, and texting on off work hours with female coworkers. 

Issues not totally resolved but I don't know, we just never bring them up. I, of course feel like I can't trust him. Another issue has recently come up which, I again, think is inappropriate.

Our next door neighbour couple like to drink on weekends and always invite my H over to drink with them. He likes to drink on weekends too. They invited me a couple of times, but first of all I don't drink and second of all they always start drinking at night, around 10pm and sometimes are out there chatting until 3 in the morning. I am usually in bed around then and am tired. I work and take care of the house and 3 kids. Plus we are 40 so not teenagers.

Anyway a couple of times the neighbour wife texted my husband and invited him out to drink with her while her hubby was away on business. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with this. He went outside with her, and they were having some wine and chatting and I was sitting inside stewing not being able to sleep. 

By 12:30 i went out there and asked him to come in, he did but yelled at me for embarrasing him by coming outside and telling him to come in like a child. He said he was doing nothing wrong.

I don't think he should be outside with another woman while I'm inside sleeping. They have become quite friendly, and text jokes and friendly banter all the time now.

Even while she is out with her husband she will text my H and say something stupid about her husband etc. I don't know I just think it is inappropriate. Having conversations on text while he is with me, don't like it. makes me feel uneasy. 

I have told them many times to have drinks at a regular time like normal people do, even 8 or 9 o'clock and I would love to join them. But no, they always go outside so late and stay out late. Most times her husband is there with them and I guess I don't mind that so much, but for whatever reason I don't like it when it's just the two of them.

I think that we are a couple, we should do things as a couple, go places as a couple, and when one is ready to leave you both leave. Not one goes home and the other stays out to party. Ridiculous..

My H says that I am being crazy, everyone has friends of the opposite sex, nothing happens. I guess I don't believe that anything is going on, but because of past situations and my own insecurities, I don't like it. He doesn't understand where I am coming from and doesn't want to change his behaviour. I find he is being disrespectful of my feelings.

I don't go around texting my neighbours husband and chatting with him without including his wife or my husband.

Am I wrong? Is it me? Do I have high expectations for a marriage? Or how a husband to behave? I guess I am feeling jealous. Sorry for rambling...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ask her husband what he thinks, show him the text. 

They are both out of line, you need to be tough and stop this nonsense starting with what you have put up with all these years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You are NOT being ridiculous at all... y*ou & he should go together as a couple and leave together as a couple*... but I doubt they'll change their party hours to allow this... 

If he keeps balking at this...and you have to play hard ball... maybe you could sleep a few hours earlier in the day and go later at night with him.. and agree to leave together - from here in..

The Texting is not appropriate....and if she is talking "not so nice" about her own husband.. well.. some warning flags a waving there! 

Does she text you also ? What is you & her's neighboring relationship like? 

With all of THIS brewing, I can feel a raging cat fight ! Your husband will do well to listen to his wife !


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## Pounce (Jun 29, 2013)

He and my relationship is friendly. We chat if we are both outside at the same time. I have gone and sat outside with them on occasion. They once invited us to a BBQ. We are cordial. Talk about kids (they have 1), work etc. but we don't go out as friends or text each other. 

She did text me once, which i was shocked, as t
She had never texted me before...she wanted me to come outside because she wanted to tell me a funny story. I texted her back that I would be outside shortly, and she replied for me to bring "my mister" out so he could hear the story too.

Ahhhh, she really wanted my H to come outside. Probably couldn't care less about socializing with me.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

I think if your husband is dismissing your feelings in the matter then 
that would be a red flag for me.

Have you tried MC for the other issues?
Take a look at the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass 
Just a bit of advice from my own life, these kind of issues can escalate 
faster than you know esp when resistance is involved and dismissal of your feelings
Get advice from the Vets here on TAM
You might get more answers in the CWI fourm.
I wish I had come here sooner, there is much support here! 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It certainly is inappropriate behavior. This behavior is outside of your boundaries, as it would be for most wives. I've had opposite sex friends but nothing like you describe. And I would never become drinking buddies with them. I like to remain friends with their wives.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If it was my husband, he'd have to choose.... "him" or "us." I mean her. Or whatever... but it wouldn't be continuing without my consent!


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Pounce,

Sorry you are going through this, but I'm going straight for the kill here - Again, sorry! 



> *(1)* Am I wrong? Is it me? *NO and NO!*
> *(2)* Do I have high expectations for a marriage? *It's your marriage you set the boundaries and your husband has to agree with them or it least debate them with you, So NO!* Or
> *(3)* how a husband to behave? *He needs a kick in the you know where department, to wake him up....*
> *(4)* I guess I am feeling jealous? *NO! You see a predator entering your marriage/family through your stupid blind husband. *
> *(5)* Sorry for rambling? *Oh I hadn't noticed!!!! *


Your husband disrespects YOU and clearly has no boundaries when it comes to your feelings and family. He's acting like a BIG bloody CHILD! She's texts you to come outside to tell you something funny but then wants you to bring your husband along - Really! *RED FLAG!* She's NOT interested is socialising with you in anyway, yesterday, today or tomorrow. Just your husband, and he's acting like what, like a teenager hanging out with his best friend next door. His best friend is YOU! You need to remind of this FACT!

You need to get angry internally here FAST! But remain calm and start checking those text messages on your husband's phone. I'm sorry, but your husband is having an EA in front of YOU with the OW next door! If I'm wrong, I'll update this post and give you my apology!!!!!! Sorry for rambling


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Totally inappropriate. He is not respecting you, bottom line, and you are tolerating it. There need to be boundaries set, and followed, or there needs to be a serious consequence.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes it's inappropriate. This wouldn't fly in my marriage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Its an emotional affair in the making and will likely need to something more. It won't be long before they're doing a lot more than chatting on that porch.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Even if there is nothing sexual or flirty going on, it's still wrong. 

You are supposed to be his best friend and not her. I mean, hell, you're just his wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's inappropriate. And it's on its way to something beyond that.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

You may want to talk to her husband. He may not know about your H coming over with his W when he isn't around and he might not know they text. Don't warn your H that you are going to talk to the neighbor . Just do it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Pounce, you know that emotional affairs start this way and you have to nip this in the bud as it will jeopardize you marriage down the line.

-talk to your husband and tell him that this behaviour is outside of the boundaries of a normal marriage and you will not tolerate it.
-ignore when he tells you you are controlling him, you are not, you are only trying to protect your marriage
-talk to your neighbour's husband and explain to him that you do not like his wife and your husband drinking alone

And ask your husband how will he feel if you went drinking until 3 am with one of your male friends?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

This is completely out of line. Meeting your husband alone, drinking, talking **** about her husband = major red flags. This is a lot closer to becoming physical than you think. Your husband yelling at you when you ask him to come home shows he is in a fog. He probably complains about you to the neighbor as well. You need to put this situation in reverse today. 




Tiberius said:


> Pounce, you know that emotional affairs start this way and you have to nip this in the bud as it will jeopardize you marriage down the line.
> 
> -talk to your husband and tell him that this behaviour is outside of the boundaries of a normal marriage and you will not tolerate it.
> -ignore when he tells you you are controlling him, you are not, you are only trying to protect your marriage
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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