# Coping with his mental health



## minimouli (Sep 4, 2021)

About eight months ago my husband of 16 years had a panic attack that landed him in the emergency room. He had taken a new job that was hellishly stressful and management hadn’t handled the transition well. My husband is also a highly wound-up person so the combination was lethal. Luckily husband’s management owned up to the poor scope of the role and made major changes. They really supported him all the way because he’s one of their most committed employees. Once that seemed to be getting better at work, husband suddenly says he’s moving to a motel down the road to get space. I agreed easily. He came to the house occasionally but couldn’t look me in the eye and wouldn’t speak to me. He would only address our middle school daughter. He could only “talk” over email. In a rare conversation over the phone he admitted that he couldn’t move back to the house. It stressed him out too much. Since we had been talking about moving anyway, I suggested we do it right then and rent for awhile so he could have peace of mind and we’d sort things out. This got him to relax a bit and he agrees to move in with us again into the rental once the house was sold. When we moved into the rental, things seemed slowly to be going back to “normal” but he couldn’t sleep in the same room with me. He said that was mostly to get better sleep. Then..
One weekend he came home very late after a board meeting. The next day, still hungover from the night before he told me he went drinking with a woman on his board. A woman he didn’t know very well. He said while he had fun, but nothing happened. I believed him but frankly I’m not the jealous type. I was glad he’d had a spontaneous fun evening. He said being out with this woman made him realize he missed me and wanted to make our marriage work and he wanted to know did I. Of course I did—I had been telling him this all along. For about two weeks we were very amorous. Then he says, let’s move away to a totally new town and start over. I’m like “huh?” I initially said that it sounded interesting, let me think about it. We’d toyed with moving to a less expensive town but never committed. But now seemed the worst time. About a week later I started weighing everything—I’m two years into an entrepreneurial venture and finally seeing success, he’s got a new job with an awesome boss, our daughter is in a school she loves and she’s thriving, I’m sorting out elder care for my mom who has dementia, not to mention a marriage that was still on edge only a few weeks ago. I asked him, wasn’t it a bit disruptive to move right now. Maybe we should go to therapy first. He tried to convince me that moving would be therapy. I said that I wasn’t convinced that moving would make things better, albeit our current location was astronomically expensive and I would welcome a cheaper house. But I just couldn’t justify moving in less than a year in light of everything. He absolutely flipped. Said our sex life was bad, that I never wanted to take a risk with him and that lots of wives would take that risk, on and on, our marriage was garbage. No matter what counter argument I had, he had one himself. The discussion blew up into a horrible screaming match in which each said horrible things.
The next day I asked to talk to him and he refused but agreed a couple days later. I apologized for what I’d said and that while there was no excuse, I was stressed and confused. But he refused to talk to me. Said he couldn’t talk and wouldn’t talk and basically we are roommates until he could sort things out. 
So here we are back where we were during the motel days but forced to live it out under the same roof because now there’s no money. This is way worse. He has not spoken to me (words come out of his mouth occasionally in my direction) for two months living in the same house. He refuses to do things as a family even when our daughter asks about it. She’s even confronted him and he’s ignored her or actually run away from her while she asks what’s going on. I ended up having to tell my daughter a clean version of what happened because she didn’t understand why he wasn’t speaking to me and what the deal with his awkwardness toward her. When I emailed him to insist he explain to her so we were on the same page, he said he would, but our daughter told me he never has addressed what’s going on. She is beyond livid with him. I’m going to therapy, our daughter is now going to therapy and I’ve suggested to my husband that he go to therapy but he won’t say a word. I was writing love letters to him, apologizing again, saying that I wanted to support him in this hard time for him, reminiscing about the good times, why I loved him, that I’d look into moving with a more open mind, but found that did nothing to thaw things so I stopped. Once I stopped he started talking more but only about household things. Almost forced. But he refuses to even have small talk. It’s as if I’m not in the room. I am absolutely miserable because this sort of silent treatment is like a torture. It gives me no ability to repair. He’s going to visit family abroad for a few weeks and before he left I said “You don’t have to respond. I hope we can talk when you get back. My heart is breaking.” That’s all I said. He couldn’t even look at me. Just pretended he was looking at a piece of paper. I can tell this silence is killing him.
At the moment I’m just taking this day by day but wondering how long can he pull this off? I feel something big needs to happen—something I do or something totally out of our control.
Thoughts???


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He's had an affair, he feels guilty, he blames it on you and now he wants to move away from her lover.


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## minimouli (Sep 4, 2021)

He could be having an affair but it would be a pretty crummy one because my husband almost never leaves the house.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

minimouli said:


> He could be having an affair but it would be a pretty crummy one because my husband almost never leaves the house.


What about the hotel bit? Maybe the panic attack wasn't a panic attack... 
_
Once that seemed to be getting better at work, *husband suddenly says he’s moving to a motel down the road to get space.* I agreed easily. *He came to the house occasionally but couldn’t look me in the eye and wouldn’t speak to me.* He would only address our middle school daughter. *He could only “talk” over email. In a rare conversation over the phone he admitted that he couldn’t move back to the house. It stressed him out too much.* Since we had been talking about moving anyway, I suggested we do it right then and rent for awhile so he could have peace of mind and we’d sort things out. This got him to relax a bit and he agrees to move in with us again into the rental once the house was sold. When we moved into the rental, things seemed slowly to be going back to “normal” but he couldn’t sleep in the same room with me. He said that was mostly to get better sleep. Then.._

Maybe I'm wrong, that the whole story seems absurd to me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You win the naivety award for the day. Just file for divorce. He’s either a nutcase or he’s a cheater. No doubt he’s a cheater, but my vote is he’s both. When this kind of stuff starts, it never gets better. For goodness sake don’t move away when your business is doing good.
and do some looking. I smell a rat with your husband. He wants to move away because he doesn’t want you to find something.


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## minimouli (Sep 4, 2021)

Unfortunately it’s fully his mental state. I’ve always advocated an open marriage with him so sneaking around wouldn’t create this sort of behavior. I wish cheating would be involved because that would mean he’s getting some enjoyment. Divorcing for this seems too much of a snap decision as he’s been a good partner up until just a few months ago and abandoning as you call it “a nut job” seems harsh. The panic attack was real. I watched it happen, put him in the ambulance, talked to the psychiatrist and was there at the hearing where he sued the county for compensation due to mental stress. Besides neither of us can afford divorcing. I’m going to have to ride this out until the lease is up and then maybe make a decision.
I just wondered if there was anyone who successfully dealt with a partner with mental health episodes. I get a feeling that there are few happy stories on this discussion board.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

minimouli said:


> I get a feeling that there are few happy stories on this discussion board.


My story is not happy. I've had to deal with a wife with mental issues and didn't end up well. Your husband might be having mental issues, but the story is rather suspicious. It looks like you are stuck for the time being.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

minimouli said:


> Unfortunately it’s fully his mental state. I’ve always advocated an open marriage with him so sneaking around wouldn’t create this sort of behavior. I wish cheating would be involved because that would mean he’s getting some enjoyment. Divorcing for this seems too much of a snap decision as he’s been a good partner up until just a few months ago and abandoning as you call it “a nut job” seems harsh. The panic attack was real. I watched it happen, put him in the ambulance, talked to the psychiatrist and was there at the hearing where he sued the county for compensation due to mental stress. Besides neither of us can afford divorcing. I’m going to have to ride this out until the lease is up and then maybe make a decision.
> I just wondered if there was anyone who successfully dealt with a partner with mental health episodes. I get a feeling that there are few happy stories on this discussion board.


OP, I am sorry that you are having to deal with a loved one's serious mental health issue. It can feel very lonely, but there are some good resources out there. I suggest you contact your local NAMI organization. They have a family to family program that is aimed at supporting and education family members. There are a few FB groups too. Family and Friends of Adult Loved Ones with Mental Illness and Families Affected by Mental Illness are two you may want to check out. Sometimes the stories are hard to read but they can be a good source for information and a place to vent. It helps to know that you are not alone. Your daughter will need lots of support, glad to see that you've gotten her a therapist. Make sure you reach out to her school counselor as well.

Lastly, it is important for your H to get a full psychiatric assessment as there may be other issues besides anxiety. Try to encourage him in that direction, but don't expect big changes. It often takes a while for the realization to sink in with someone who has a serious MI and, unfortunately, some are never able to see it. All you can do is be supportive of his well being. In the end though, he will have to decide himself if he wants to get well. 
Take care of yourself and your daughter. A few mantras that help me in dealing with my MI son: detach with love and bless him, heal me. 
Best of luck to you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

minimouli said:


> Unfortunately it’s fully his mental state. I’ve always advocated an open marriage with him so sneaking around wouldn’t create this sort of behavior. I wish cheating would be involved because that would mean he’s getting some enjoyment.


You are trying to apply logic and reasoning to someone with a mental health condition. 

Mentally ill people can and do cheat......even when it is illogical to do so. 

He is not "cured." He still has mental issues going on and still needs to be under a mental health professional's care. 

He may have also hooked up with another woman(s), 

Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i have had to deal with a bat **** crazy nephew. it was a real eye opener. 
in my case i kept trying to reason with him, and it literally took months for me to realize there was no talking to him. he was literally living on a different planet than i was on.

Now that said, i am pretty sure if he had been given the correct drugs, AND he kept up taking them, he would have been right as rain.

so...from my limited but failed experience with nephew....has your husband been to see a shrink? Maybe all he needs it a mood stabilizer, or some anti-anxiety drug.

i would not read anything logical in his behavior, such as "his behavior seems like what a cheater would do", i advise to not do that. the could just be ranting incoherently from being somewhat crazy and un-medicated.

Often people with his problems try to self-medicate. is he drinking a LOT more ( i know you said he got drunk that one time). Is he doing a LOT of marijuana?


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

My ex was mentally ill. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I would like to echo a lot of what @blahfridge said. Definitely seek out all the support you can for you and your daughter. Please make sure you both stay in therapy. It can be incredibly difficult and draining to live with a mentally ill person, no matter how much you care about them and try to help.

Is your H seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist regularly? Does he have a diagnosis? Does he have a treatment plan? Would he allow you to go to an appointment with him, to learn more about his diagnosis and healthy ways for you to react to him?

It can be hard to get a correct diagnosis and workable treatment plan for some mentally ill people, especially if they are not cooperative or they believe nothing is wrong. My ex was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and depression when we were together, but refused any kind of talk therapy and was inconsistent with his meds. He had periods of seeming normal and periods of erratic and frightening behavior that grew steadily worse. It wasn't until after we'd divorced and he'd blasted through a rebound relationship or two that he was finally diagnosed as bipolar.

If your husband is not willing or able to get help and stick with a treatment plan, your relationship may not last. It's hard, but your first priority has to be your daughter's and your own health. I stayed with my ex as long as I could ("in sickness and in health"....) but by the time I left I was kind of a robotic shell of a person. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to be okay again. My opinion now is that it would be healthier to leave before you get to that point.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Op you have fought so hard for this marriage and for this man that you deserve a medal. I don’t know whether he’s cheating or not and frankly I don’t think you’re ever going to know because even if he admits it, in his current state of mind he may claim to be cheating just to hurt you. 
You seem like a great wife and you deserve a great husband. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s going to be with the one you have. You need to start looking after yourself and your child and let your husband sort his own life out. 
Remember what they tell you on a plane if it’s going down? Fit your own oxygen mask first before trying to help anyone else. You need to do this with your husband.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It seems his behaviour worsened after the initial breakdown? Given his restlessness and need for dramatic changes when things are going well (these behaviours usually happen before the big crack up rather than later), I would say something’s amiss with the medication/treatment? Is he still in treatment? Seeing medical professionals regularly? What sort of follow up has there been after the panic attack?

I do know of cases where people spiralled out of control and cases where people did get better. But his attitude towards your daughter and you screams of selfishness and yes, frankly a bit nutty. 

It’s great that you’ve told him you love him, written loving letters and talked about how much you want to work on the marriage. But you’ve done that to death now, and I would really stop and limit contact from your end. He’s clearly not thinking about anyone other than himself, and you can cry all you like - he doesn’t care. He’s treating you appallingly. Not all mentally ill family members do this. Some of them are actually able to verbalise that they are unwell, acting unlike themselves, and are also able to ASK for patience and understanding, as well as ask for help and assure the spouse they will get better. It’s usually the unwell spouse wondering if the spouse still loves them! 

So DO NOT MOVE! Whatever you do. His tantrum indicates to me a motive behind his desire to move, and he needs you as part of that plan, until the plan comes to fruition. (He’s moved out before to a hotel, why does he need you and your daughter along for the ride now?) He was nice about it until you said no. Look carefully at the episodes of rage. He didn’t get his way. You and your daughter are doing well now right where you are, don’t give that up for him. (Sometimes a spouse can sabotage others when they are in selfish-mode because they hate the world). 

Has he had previous episodes like this and is his behaviour like this with other people? Look at the pattern in his life, has he always had people praising him and helping him along? Parents? Sibling dynamic? Other jobs? Social circle?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

minimouli said:


> He could be having an affair but it would be a pretty crummy one because my husband almost never leaves the house.


So refreshing to hear from a nonjealous spouse. It's so rare. 

Obviously, your husband needs to go to therapy, but I guess you can't make him. Of course, as things are now, it's nothing but stress for all of you. Of course, it is possible he got a crush on that woman but it didn't go anywhere and just confused him. All these accusations about crappy sex and you won't do what he wants otherwise sure sounds like a guy who is thinking he could find someone who will. It's awful how he's treating your daughter. I suppose you've ruled out a new addiction of some sort? He's not on any recent pain meds or anything, is he? The only thing that changed when this started was his new job? 

I would tell him he needs to go to therapy because the way he's interacting with the family is wrong so he needs to find out what's going on with him and tell him YOU have a right to know what mental issues he's having. 

I mean, he accuses you of not being willing to up and leave your life, but he's not even willing to communicate half the time or go to therapy. 

I think the red flag is that he would like to chuck it and go somewhere else. I think maybe it is possible he got himself some negative attention at this new job with perhaps this woman he mentioned or another one and can't handle being in the same vicinity with whoever it was. You know, either embarrassed himself or misread cues from her or someone called him out on giving her attention. I mean, don't rule it out, especially since he's whining about bad sex.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

minimouli said:


> So here we are back where we were during the motel days but forced to live it out under the same roof because now there’s no money.


He's downsizing before divorce so he has to pay less maintenance.
Just my take on it.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

How long how you known the has bipolar disorder?


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## LeahTaylor (Jun 29, 2021)

We can only judge from the perspective of what you said. Both your opinion and our conclusions are subjective. You see that some consider him a cheater, you as a naive person, and you still think he has mental problems. I believe that the doctor can help you both and give you some treatment with supplements. Even for you, because you have gone through or maybe are going through stress. I can recommend these supplements that are described better in this article from Best Nootropics 2021: Top 5 Smart Drugs & Brain Supplements . I personally use Modafinil to give me energy and focus.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

minimouli said:


> Unfortunately it’s fully his mental state. I’ve always advocated an open marriage with him so sneaking around wouldn’t create this sort of behavior. I wish cheating would be involved because that would mean he’s getting some enjoyment. Divorcing for this seems too much of a snap decision as he’s been a good partner up until just a few months ago and abandoning as you call it “a nut job” seems harsh. The panic attack was real. I watched it happen, put him in the ambulance, talked to the psychiatrist and was there at the hearing where he sued the county for compensation due to mental stress. Besides neither of us can afford divorcing. I’m going to have to ride this out until the lease is up and then maybe make a decision.
> I just wondered if there was anyone who successfully dealt with a partner with mental health episodes. I get a feeling that there are few happy stories on this discussion board.


What would an 'open marriage' mean to you?

Would you (also) get your hugs and kisses and loving from another man, or would he be the only one getting stoked and stroked? If not, what is the benefit for you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What is the age of your husband?

You say these mental breakdowns are only recent, yes?

Is he on an anti-anxiety/depression medicine?
Did he recently go on a new one?

If so, did he go off (cold) this medication?

If this behavior is new, he may have something going on in his brain, possibly a tumor or mini stroke?

Are you denying him physical intimacy?

A lot of questions, sorry.



_Lilith-_


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