# Emotional Affair - Advice Needed



## MamaWantsYouMary (Dec 8, 2014)

Last week, I found out my husband was having an EA with a co-worker. I have long suspected this and actually accused him of this over the summer. I sent him articles about what an EA meant and he agreed to cool off the (mostly tame) personal emails & after work business drinks. Sometime in late October our marriage hit a rough patch. He began resume seeing her after work on occasion but would lie about who he was with claiming he was in a group. 

Last week, something told me to go look at his emails and there i found an email that addressed her as a colleague/friend and something more. It hinted at them going on a vacation together and was definitely incriminating. It seemed as though he would be leaving me. 

I confronted my husband when he got home and he broke down crying hysterically asking for forgiveness. The email letter was not actually ever emailed to the co-worker. I demanded access to the rest of his texts and emails. He complied. I found very little in the texts, but there were definitely plenty of non-work related emails. It started out very innocently, with silly video links, witty banter, etc. But sometime last month it went a little further. In reading through, all the emails most of it was instigated by my husband. She did reply/respond but I could tell her answers were a little more tempered as the month went on. 

What is the most painful is that about the type he composed the fantasy email, he also put together a plan to work on our marriage. His plan was thoughtful and well thought out but had one caveat I wasn't happy about: I had to not nag him about the co-worker anymore. I went along w/ the plan and did my best to remain silent about the co-worker, who he ended up having to travel and have dinners with (mixed company but still). 

When I found out I was 100% thinking of divorce. I went ahead and filed for separation and got an alimony document drafted, all which he agreed to. As the days have gone on and we have talked more, I am a little calmer but still furious. I did agree to go to counseling with him. My initial plan was to move out and get a place on my own as I figured out what to do. But everything I have read online says that is a mistake and if you want to fix the marriage you must stay. Our house is pretty big so living "separate" under the one roof is not a problem but I just wonder what other people's thoughts are with this? I started individual counseling over the weekend, we are doing marital this week and he also starts his individual.

Also, another dilemma is that I was supposed to attend his holiday party this weekend. There are LOTS of mutual friends that will be attending, some of whom are my best friends, some of whom I have known since I met my husband. Initially, I told him to email everyone that we were close to and let them know why I wouldn't be there. I'm very upset about not being able to attend as I was looking forward to it so a family member asked me why I felt the need to broadcast our marital problems to everyone? She felt I should either just have him make up an excuse to not go OR if I was feeling strong enough to go ahead and go. I feel conflicted about going. 

Can anyone help? I am so confused.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

if you want to reconcile he needs to go no contact with her immediately...even getting a new job.

is the coworker married? if so, the spouse needs to get involved to help extinguish this

and, of course, since there was mention of travel, and 'drinks' after work, how sure are you it didn't go physical? remember, they might not have discussed everything in emails and texts, and he certainly could have deleted some.

what kind of phone? get an undelete program and make sure he hasn't been cleaning it up


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do you have children?

He has messed up big time. If you do not go to the party, he should not go without you. 

It is time for him to put your marriage first. 

I think your family member was wrong, you should expose to stop the A. 

Wishing you some peace and happiness in the future.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

MWYM,
I will give your H credit for ingenuity. He devised a plan wherein he tricks you into thinking that he is working on the marriage and at the same time prevents your inquisitions regarding his co-worker. In this plan you are appeased as he is working on the marriage and he is free to pursue his side interest without interference from you. Really rather diabolical. Unfortunately for him he was not smart enough to pull it off.

Okay, so you are interested in trying to R the marriage. The first step is for him to do exactly the opposite of his proposal. He must go completely NC with the other woman. It is not possible to R while an AP is still in the picture, it just does not happen. If he balks then he is not truly interested in R. If he agrees then he must become clear glass to you, totally transparent. He should give you his email passwords, show you his phone logs, social media, everything. Anything short of this, again, shows insincerity on his part.

If he will not agree then you are left with only one option and that is to use D to try to "snap" him out of it. You should file and tell him that you will not accept this behavior any longer and that he must face the consequences of his actions. If he has any desire at all to R then this may bring it out, if not, then you have a difficult decision to make as to whether to follow through with D or live as you are.

You may also consider exposing to the OW's H/BF if there is one to throw some water on them. Consider this carefully though because this could force them underground and make keeping tabs even more difficult. I believe that exposing offers an additional layer of pressure to the A adding more stress to an already tough situation. Others will chime in with more detailed advice but you need to seriously consider what you want going forward. The chances of him changing are slim as it rarely happens. I wish you luck.

ETA: I also wanted to say that I would brace myself for the probability that, based on your post, this has escalated beyond just emotional, I regret to posit.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mamawantsyoumary

Co-worker, same as my wife. It has already been mentioned he needs to go no contact and to get a new job. I wish I had really listened to this advice but, no, I wasn't very smart about that. See, I thought I could handle her working with OM, that only communication is about work. After a month or so I couldn't stand it and began to pressure OM to quit. WW only communicated with OM about work but I couldn't handle it. OM quit and that was a huge relief. The problem ultimately came down to trust, I didn't trust my WW. I am still in the trust but verify stage, but I have trust issues to begin with. Your husband needs to quit to reassure you that contact is not going on behind your back. As for the Christmas party, I would go if it were me, be a good time to visit with the OW husband. Set her back, make her work to save her marriage if she is married. Or you can be like me in that I confronted my WW OM and that did good things for me. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm so sorry you're here.

I think it was a good choice to make your WH face some consequences for his actions in emailing mutual friends and family. I'm sorry you received an insensitive and, frankly, dumb and unnecessary response - ignore it. You are protecting yourself and your marriage.

I think you would both benefit from reading "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Glass; It's a great book about any affair, but especially an EA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I am not a fan of separation. Especially when the other person is having an EA/PA because it gives them too much opportunity to continue. You don't want that, obviously, if you want to reconcile. If you want to divorce then separation is fine. Otherwise, stay in the house and work on reconciling.


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