# 2.5 years after, a breakthrough...



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I am so saddened every time I come back here to see the 'fresh' people finding this amazing forum and searching for help in their FOG. I'm sorry you have to be here.

I found out about my H's betrayals (plural) 2.5 years ago. There was a major breakthrough I honestly thought I'd never see. I wanted to share it with older posters who knew me before, but more importantly to the newer folks who constantly wonder how long this pain is felt, and why the hell they are still married to a person that could kill their trust.

My H and I have stayed together - but I have always felt since then that my marriage is on a month to month lease... might be in it forever, or it might be over in a month. He just never seemed to understand what he put me through - sometimes blamed me - admitted he wanted to hurt me - and ultimately figured out that he was very insecure.

Well, the other night a major breakthrough completely out of the blue. He had a few drinks... and the news about Arnold and Maria's split was hitting the waves. 

Out of the blue he looked right at me and said:
"I don't know that I would have ever been able to handle all of the betrayal that you've endured as well as you. You are incredible."

He apparently stumbled upon an old email that day which was written to a friend about nothing in particular. But within the message he made a comment - that was very common for him at the time... like a "yeah, I'd do her" kind of macho thing. He said that he was shocked when he read it. "I didn't like what I read, and I don't want to ever be that person again." He displayed a great sense of distaste. 

It was probably the most important moment I have had with my H since I found everything out. I never never never thought he would allow himself to admit his ridiculous, gross, and totally selfish behavior. And he completely came to this himself. 

I felt my love for him become alive again. After nearly three years of feeling kind of paralyzed, I finally came out of the coma. He's still the guy who cheated on me. And I'm not going to be the nieve person I was before. My guard will always be up. But finally. Finally I could see that he put on my shoes and walked in them - and thanked and complimented me. It was huge. 

Better late than never.
I hope this is helpful to others. 
If you want to learn more about my path of recovery I would encourage you to search for my username: stillINshock.

I'm sorry you have to be here. But I'm glad you are.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes, that's great news!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Kinda feels like this, doesn't it: 










Words can't begin to express how happy I am to hear this, and to hear that he's really beginning to "get it." I'm also so very proud of you for hanging in there when many would have quit, and giving your spouse a place where he can grow to become a better man--that place is in a marriage with YOU.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

This is wonderful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

amen &.....

nuttin' like [an] ephinany!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

This is one of the reasons why I think on the phrase “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. There’s not a lot of people who truly understand the meaning of that phrase.

At the time a person carries out a deed that hurts others, they know not just how much hurt and devastation they cause. It’s not until some time in the future when they’re looking back and reflecting on their past deeds that they can actually see the hurt and devastation they caused. This is the very first time when they become fully AWARE of the hurt they caused and how they caused it.

My belief in forgiveness is in many ways based on the above. It’s based on the belief that there are very few evil people in the world who actually set out to cause hurt and devastation in other people’s lives and because of that they should be forgiven. I always give people the benefit of the doubt in these things.

And yes remorse can come after an Epiphany.

Bob


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks.
I can't figure out how you go that image in here :scratchhead:but I'd say my picture would be more like a bud in early spring - after a long cold and lonely winter...


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Can I just ask: if you never thought you'd see such a breakthrough, then what is it that has made you stay all this time?


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Anonymous_Female said:


> Can I just ask: if you never thought you'd see such a breakthrough, then what is it that has made you stay all this time?


Simple. A long time back I decided to not make any decisions. I have been living, like I said, with my marriage on a month-to-month lease. Still do really. It enables me to be comforted by the fact that only I am in control of the situation I'm in, and I can change it at any time.

In the meantime, though this breakthrough was huge and truly unexpected, his actions and behavior toward me has been much better. It was immediately after I found out - and he realized what was at stake. He saw my back as I walked to the door and it paralyzed him. 

What was remarkable about this breakthrough is that he truly humbled himself - and appreciated me in a way I never expected.

But, if he didn't completely change his path earlier I would have been long gone. And he knows it. He has basically done everything I've asked, has completely changed his lifestyle. He's been working toward proving to me that he wants in this marriage. Without that - this lease would have been broken a long time ago.

And... quite frankly he is otherwise everything I want for myself. Just one major MAJOR flaw now recognized. I truly have never met another person I'd want to be married to. Really.


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Although I don't know your whole story, that is really great news!! My H cheated on me almost 2 yrs ago, we seperated for 1 and he has been back home for almost 1 yr. 
We went to MC which helped tremendously, but I often wonder will I ever be able to truly love him with all my heart. He has proven to have really changed and wants to do EVERYTHING to make me happy. I do trust he will never cheat again but like you; I feel like I am on a month to month basis. Some days I feel like I will never feel the same way about him and others I feel i will move past all this....I someday hope I feel what you just experienced.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Tulip - 
For my own sanity and defense, I think I will hold on to the month-to-month scenario forever. After all, he introduced the idea that we might not be married forever didn't he. 

It is still a different marriage than it was before. He's a different person than I thought he was and that won't change. 

But I can at least recognize that the pain I still feel - some days more, some days less - is from the past. So I also try to enjoy the happier feelings of today.

And I always remind myself of the friends, neighbors, and strangers who have faced their own painful experiences - like losing a child - that did not get to have the happier resolution I have now.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Congrats still. And a huge feather in your cap for sticking with it. I guess I'm really lucky that after cheating 20 years my wife said those same things to me a month ago and thanked me for rescuing her. I'm still holding my breath praying it doesn't turn back. 

Congrats again. You deserve all the best in the world.


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