# Fighting an Exit Affair



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

I recently discovered Mira Kirshenbaum's 17 types of affairs. My wife's is likely either "Let's kill this marriage and see if it comes back to life", or an "ejector seat affair / exit affair".

The typical strategy for fighting an affair and bringing a wayward spouse back is to go no contact, 180, Plan A/B, total blackout, seem uninterested. But what if that's what your spouse wants you to do? If it's either of these types of affairs, no contact seems unwise.

I'm almost 100% certain my wife's affair is an exit affair, meaning she is likely seeking for me to withdraw from our marriage rather than divorce me herself. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, and we are separated. I'm hesitant to go no contact because A) I still love her, and B) I truly do not believe in divorce. I believe it's a shame to throw a marriage away. I believe all problems can be solved (discounting violence).

I'm holding out hope that it's a "see if it comes back to life affair". Again if I withdraw in this case, I think she'll just see the marriage didn't come back to life.

It seems that no contact, in either scenario, would only reinforce her perception that I'm inattentive. Does anyone know any effective strategies for combating a "see if it comes back to life affair" or "exit affair"?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

One possible problem I see here is that the ILYBNILWY speech is also typically used by cheating spouses.

Do you have any type of agreement or understanding about dating during your seperation?

I don't think it matters that you don't believe in divorce. It seems she does!

If you have access to her cell phone bills, it may be wise to revire them and look for a large volume of texts/calls to a number you don't recognize at all hours of the day and night

Good luck


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I had an exit affair, which my wife never found out about. We separated almost two years ago, and my wife has pulled an almost perfect 180 since then. And her doing the 180 has simply made it easier for me to move on. 

You need to keep in mind the 180 is for YOU. To help you get to a place where you can move on. It MAY have a side effect of waking your exposé up, but that's not the core reason for doing it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Oh I know she's cheating, she confessed and continues to see him. 

What keeps me going is that it's been 2 months and she hasn't divorced me, and she has said she felt things for me during the separation, missed me, etc.

In any other situation I'd have gone no contact long ago, but I'm so unsure if it's a "kill it and bring it back to life" or an exit affair. Even if it is an exit affair, I recognize that all affairs are drugs and believe that when she comes out of the fog she'll regret it. Especially since the other guy is, by her own admission, exactly like me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe you should stay in contact and be her friend, I imagine it won't be to hard to listen to her tell you she loves you one minute and then the next tells you she doesn't love you.

Hell you lived like this for a couple of months whats the rest of your life matter. Give it time she will break up with OM come back to until she finds someone else and then you can do it all over again.

You will always be there for your adultorous wife so way should she change. Man, your wife has it made, you aren't going any were and she gets to have sex with who ever she wants. So keep waiting around its just a matter of time your WW will find a need for you.

Must admit your WW has a great plan, I like the way she tells you she loves you , you except it and then behaves like you are nothing to her. The divorce papers were class act, now her boyfriend is off her back and stopped pressuring her to divorce you.

With regards to these paper you just can't fix stupid, can you?

Sarcasim aside...............stop sharing your wife, file for divorce and find a women that respects you and has the same values for marriage as you do.

BTW get tested for STD's


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Give her an ultimatum then divorce her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Oh I know she's cheating, she confessed and continues to see him.
> 
> What keeps me going is that it's been 2 months and she hasn't divorced me, and she has said she felt things for me during the separation, missed me, etc.
> 
> In any other situation I'd have gone no contact long ago, but I'm so unsure if it's a "kill it and bring it back to life" or an exit affair. Even if it is an exit affair, I recognize that all affairs are drugs and believe that when she comes out of the fog she'll regret it. Especially since the other guy is, by her own admission, exactly like me.


Is she getting any sort of financial support from you? Joint credit cards? Joint bank accounts?.. If so, why do you think she doesn't file? Would you divirce your ATM?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

An exit affair is had by a spouse who does not want to be married anymoe, but lacks the courage/morals/integrity/strength to end that marriage honorably.

So, my questions to you are: Why do you want a woman who clearly does not want you? Why do you want to be married to someone who clearly lacks courage/morals/integrity/strength? If you can find the honest answers to those questions within yourself, I think you'll learn a lot about your marriage as a whole and perhaps bring some clarity to the situation.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Toffer: We are both poor, if anything she makes more than me. She gets health insurance through my job, but I doubt that's a motivating factor.

Rowan: She and I both have a history of being conflict avoiders. There was no major blowout or anything that caused this, I think it's just months of unresolved issues. I see walking away as dismissing a chance to grow personally, and an opportunity to do so together. Should the marriage end of course I'll take what I learned into the next relationship and still grow, but I'd like to try to help her improve herself too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

time to.......shuffle on down the road.

you can do it with your head up and know shes the cheating scum bag or you can grovel and hope she comes home after she bangs her boyfriend.

but to continue to do what your doing is crazy ...pull the bandaid off quick instead of slow and painfull with a pile of hair sticking to it.


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