# addopting children



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Ive been married to my husband for 19 years and we have a 13 year old boy and a 11 year old boy.My brother passed away last year and we are in the progress of addopting his 2 little girls.
has anyone else been through anything simlar?
We know we are in for a long ride of emotions just want to get every little bit off advice going :scratchhead:


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I have an adopted brother and sister.

I treat them like my blood...becuase in my mind they are.

Talk to your two son's and have them understand clearly why you are adopting them and that these two little girls will now be their sisters, they are blood, they are family, and these two little girls will look up to their brothers for love and support, they will admire them and trust them.

I hope your sons receive them with open arms, sure there will be fights and issues, kids are kids.

But through thick and thin....they are family and what I think what you and your husband are doing is fantastic.

Kudo's


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank you we have had some heated dissusions about bedrooms ,they have been using what will the girls room as a games room and we did have a few moans about clearing out some stuff .
They wouldnt want them to go anywhere else mind you they have already desided whos looking out for who !!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

How little are the girls?

From GA's post, you should always treat them as blood... but with the circumstances they went through, IMO, I wouldn't push the whole "brothers and sisters" thing too much on them, especially if they are somewhat older (like at least school age). The last thing you want to do is to make them think that you are replacing their father, or trying to act like he didn't exist. 

Obviously, they need to know they will get the same LOVE as your kids do, as well as same rights, privileges, punishments, etc. etc. etc. But be careful about how you go about that, because kids will interpret things far different than what your intentions are.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

They are only 3 and 6 we are going to keeping my brothers surname for them . i want them to always remember how wonderful he was. Its hard all round they have called mt husband daddy a few times ,and me mummy we are ok about that.
And ive started to log a memory book so they can look back. It just so hard to tell them of and punish them when they have been through so much but i know thats somethink we all have to work on ! my husbands more soft then me .


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Humpty I think you are doing the right thing and the right way.

I said treat them like blood, becuase they are and they are so young.

Memory book is perfect and answer any question they had.

My dad died when I was one year old, I find it special when his friends tell me what a great guy he was and that I am just like him. 

just let them know their father died loving them, it's the mother part that will be hard to explain, why she is still alive and why she does not care for them.

if anything that is what will make these girls bitter when they get older.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I know how can you tell children that there mother wanted nothing to do with them! We have tried so hard for just for her just to keep in contact, shes not interested its a wonder how my brother fell in love with her. Im hoping deep down that something will click and she realizes what wonderful little girls she has.One things for sure they wont go unloved to me and my husband they have already given our family so much.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> I know how can you tell children that there mother wanted nothing to do with them! We have tried so hard for just for her just to keep in contact, shes not interested its a wonder how my brother fell in love with her. Im hoping deep down that something will click and she realizes what wonderful little girls she has.One things for sure they wont go unloved to me and my husband they have already given our family so much.


Kind of a threadjack here, but I've often wondered the same thing.

I think I've shared some of this before. My wife's mother ran out on them when she was about 3 and her sister wasn't even 6 months old!!!

She would get back in touch every once in a while, usually when a new boyfriend would guilt them into doing it. She would see them once or twice, then disappear for a few more years. Hasn't been around for a long time now. She didn't come to our wedding, has no clue who I am. And she's never once seen or even know the names of her two Grandchildren. And she's only a 35 minute drive away from them, and has been since her daughters were still in Grade School.

Her father loved them to death, and tried as hard as he could, but he was still very young, 21 I believe, and wasn't equipped to raise 2 little girls himself. His parents helped out a lot in raising them, but the after effects in my wife and her sister are still lingering today, and cause a lot of their self worth and other issues.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its so hard to know that the effects off what thier mother is doing to them will go into adult hood , we have no control over that.I do know that me and my husband will do the best to make them feel loved and safe and so much wanted . My boys have painted thier bedroom ready for them to come for good in two weeks time. Im going to do the best for them for my brother who dearly loved them and tried so hard to fight cancer to be with them.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Would it be wrong to stop visits if she desides to get in contact?
I suppose if she was in then out messing them around it would be hard not to


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> Would it be wrong to stop visits if she desides to get in contact?
> I suppose if she was in then out messing them around it would be hard not to


Talking to my wife, and my 1/2 sister (who's father walked out on her)... it was 20x worse when they would come back and act like they were going to be in their lives, and then leave again. They both said it would have been easier for them to just stay away.

My sister has dealt with it a lot better because her step-dad (my biological Dad) has been great for her. She was around 8 years old when my Dad married our (mine and my sisters) Mom, and he's been there for her. She calls him Dad and actually wanted to change her last name to my Dad's name. My Dad gave her away at her wedding.

My wife wasn't as lucky. Her eventual (and still) step mother was a piece of work. She never really abused them or anything, but she sure as heck didn't love them. She had a son from a previous marriage also, and definitely favored him greatly over her and her sister. She could be very mean to them, made them do a LOT of chores (more than your typical family) and would try to not allow their father to give them things and she was never there for any type of support that a typical teenage girl would need. They never had any type of motherly bond with her at all. They always refused to call her Mom

This compounded their problems. My wife still tells me that she almost feels a resentment when we are at my parents house because of the relationship I have with my mother. Not that she's mad at us, it's almost like a jealousy thing because she's never had that. 

Actually, my mother has done a LOT to help with her now. My wife will talk to her about things, especially when our oldest was born. Which meant even more to my wife since he was not biologically my son. It took her a while to even grasp the concept that my mother would take such interest and love in a baby that was not even her son's baby. My wife has a better bond with my mother than she's ever had with her step-mother. But she still has issues since she never had anything like that while she was growing up.

So that goes to show that the love can help. It won't be easy, and I'm sure that you will get the "your not my mother" thrown at you a time or two as they get older... but if you love them and treat them like they were your own (both the good and the bad), it will turn out OK.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

We love them like they are our own and it feels like they have always been here with us, we do feel blessed that we are able to bring them into our family and bring them up in a secure loving enviorment as my brother would have wanted. good with bad and im sure if the day comes and there mother wants to see them then i hope i can be strong for them and make the right choice for them and not for me. At the moment the fact that she signed the paper wotk to give them away upsets me.Im just glad to be part of there lifes .


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> We love them like they are our own and it feels like they have always been here with us, we do feel blessed that we are able to bring them into our family and bring them up in a secure loving enviorment as my brother would have wanted. good with bad and im sure if the day comes and there mother wants to see them then i hope i can be strong for them and make the right choice for them and not for me. At the moment the fact that she signed the paper wotk to give them away upsets me.Im just glad to be part of there lifes .


If she signed away rights, you have every right to not allow her to have contact with them. I don't know if I would prevent it or not, but there would definitely be some ground rules if it did happen.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

yes she signed paperwork to give up all rights ,we have just 6 more days before they are legally ours. thats 6 days for her to change her mind and to be honest i hope she doesn't. I just want them to be safe and if they were with her i know they would be seeing things kids shouldnt see.All children deserve to be loved and to feel safe, She has been out of thier lifes for nearly 3 years i cant see her being bothered she certainly wasnt when thier dad died and she knew they were with us... time will tell


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