# Daughter doesn't come first for him...yet I can breath now since he's gone



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Well....DH is gone for few days, including Christmas and I feel like I just lost 20lbs and giddy to enjoy the moments for the next few days. How sad is that?

However, I still cannot stop thinking of how he is not able to feel strong enough or maybe love enough for daughter to say "I want to be here with her Christmas day." Not me...her! They say for children, Christmas is a magical time...and it is. They light up the room! Yes, we are aware of the true meaning, don't get me wrong. But as children, it's all about the magical moment of surprise and excitement. The moments that are created into memories. 

Original plan he was going to AZ to spend 2 weeks with family. Well in brief due to our sitaution right now, his pastor told him that was bad idea due to his mom's take on our situation is basically an "I told you so" and the pastor felt being in negative environment was not condusive to our situation. Well, personnally, I think that's a bunch of BS. He's a big boy, he can (or should) think for himself and if he doesn't appreciate what his mom says, I know he can tell her such without being disrspectful, of course. He hasn't seen his mom for 3 years and she's late 70's. Any how...since I stated the 2weeks away would be good for us (me) he decided to still go away but for few days, including Christmas. When approached about the few days, I told him to do what he needs to do. He said since I felt I needed away last month when he planned to go to AZ, he felt he should still go at Christmas so no one (me or family) needs to worry about his emotional state etc. He doesn't want to be a downer as he put it. He gets made that I can turn on and off a happy face when circumstance calls for it. He cannot do that. Once mad, mad around everyone, thing, etc.

Me, since not going to AZ, never imagined he would not want to be here for our daughter on Christmas. While in AZ I understand that's on other side of world from us and he is with family. I told him I was concerned for DD Christmas day...he replied with _"me too it kills me to not be here to share that with her but more importantly, it hurts you aren't saying you need US together at Christmas". _What?? US being together at Christmas out ways our daughter? Is that how I should take that or am I off base? And should it be that way? He and I before her? 

He's an all or nothing person. I've thought about it, if we role reverse...I wouldn't care how he felt, what was said, we are still living in same house as a family, keeping things as 'normal' as possible infront of her (although she is not stupid). I am not going anywhere Christmas day as I am putting on my happy face for my daughter and enjoying her and no one else. He cannot do that. Some feel he doens't love her enough. I dont' want to feel that way but more and more I stew...it makes me wonder. He has emotionally wrecked her through the years as I learn and look back on things that have happend.

She doesn't seem to mind, at least now, he won't be here. She even asked during dinner last night..._"dad when you coming home..he says Sunday. She says, when's Christmas? He says, Saturday. She's says, Oh..well guess you won't be here to open your presents"_ then starts eating. He tears up trying not to cry as me, as always, divert the subject to something to make him feel better. 

Well...anyhow, I'm feeling good about having my own time for me and her. Not having to worry about all the questions and being on egg shells feeling I have to act, do and say what is expected or needed to keep him "happy and feeling good", constantly on guard to make sure when our 7yr old doesn't do or say anything to set him off. It just disturbs me he is not able to put daughter over me for change. As odd as that may sound I guess. Maybe I'm looking at it completely wrong. Clueless.

Anyhow...Merry Christmas to everyone and TAM for allowing me and everyone else here a place to vent, learn, share, and find some comfort and support in not feeling so alone.


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