# Open communicaton with finances - the struggle is real



## AVmaster (Mar 17, 2018)

Hey, had previously had a username here but for some reason couldn't retrieve the password for it, so I am not a newcomer..

I am / have been having a real hard time with financial communication with my spouse, and its always been like this.

Background story, married for 7 years, 2 children, I am a small business owner and was the sole provider for the most part up until about 2 years ago. She is now an RN, earning good money and I am still in business.

One thing that always bugged me about my wife, and it was a red flag from the beginning, is she is VERY nonchalant about money. She will $20 and $30 purchase us to death!! Even when we were dating, she would want coffee, then a couple hours later, want to stop by jamaba juice, get dinner somewhere, and probably another stop, repeat that several times a week, I counted out I probably spent over $7K just that first summer when we were dating over money I would of normally spent. I could tell that this was perfectly normal for her to go throughout the day and not be mentally adding up her purchases. Now she doesn't typically buy food outside the house, but the spending habits persist. 

Being in business, not every week is going to be a stellar week, so I am naturally resistant to spending, not saying I do not spend but there is a great amount of blood and sweat that goes into what I make, so I naturally have a bit of fear whenever a big purchase comes up, or any overspending happens, just because the next week may or may not be good.

When I was the sole provider, I would have to tell her ahead of time when things were getting lean, and have to CONSTANTLY remind her, sometimes she would listen and sometimes not. This developed a very toxic relationship IMO....because instead of being understanding she would get accusatory, saying my business is failing, how I'm not doing this or that right etc etc, why has this bill or that bill not been paid, it always ended in a massive fight. Completely blowing off the EXCESSIVE spending. 

Now that we have 2 incomes, suddenly I am the one who can't be trusted all of the sudden? She considers what she makes HER money now..and shes immediately defensive if I dare step in. I CANNOT ever tell her I'm having a bad week at work, because it turns into the "SEE THATS WHY I HAVE TO WORK EXTRA"..her attitude is absolutely horrible. She litertally can't handle it if her income has to go to an expense or a bill that should of been mine, and here I am getting brainwashed into thinking its MY FAULT? 

Its all bullcrap, even on a terrible year I was still brining in $45K, which at the time was honestly more than enough. Now we make nearly $90-100K per year combined if not more, yet the needle NEVER gets over a few thousand $$$ in the account.

This woman will not do a budget, she would be fine if I did a budget but she just will not follow the rules. I have shown her on paper the months spending, sometimes a staggering total and it doesn't even phase her. And she has turned me into being defensive about what I make, infact I hardly ever tell her. No one wants to hear a list of things they are doing wrong just because of a bad day or a bad week at work.. 

Recently we had something come up that was going to cost $2-3k, we didn't have it. Instead of facing the music at admitting that yeah we could of cut out 30% of our spending and likely have 4-5 times that on hand, it was of course not her fault, why would that ever be anything to do with her?

Its pretty ridiculous, I will not for one second say I am perfect, but the spending is wildly out of control. And its mostly on stuff we don't really need..its as if she is constantly in a state of trying to figure out a home for every dollar, always pulling at it.

I pay the mortgage, phone, electric, cable, gas, water etc. She does usually pay for daycare for our 2 kids, preschool, insurance, groceries.

I am not calling her a bad wife, I'm just overwhelmed and frustrated, she does have the typical domineering personality, and she always has been a blame shifter, she will go on for hours and hours of whats wrong with everything but her own actions. Even if she does admit something, it seems to be 'all about her'. In all honestly, before our youngest came along I was seriously contemplating ending it. With little ones, I'm not ready to go down that road. She doesn't do much to be supportive of what I do for work. Being a business owner isn't easy, you have to be able to handle the ups and downs, but its still better than working for someone who dictates your schedule and amount of money you make.

I would love to try financial counseling, but my feeling she will just use that as a tool against me rather than trying to make any changes. been there done that. She just lacks the 'fear of spending'.. personally I like to have cushion and not have to cut it close, especially when you can just make some sacrifice of stuff we don't even need in the first place.

So in a summary-
I feel I can't tell her what I make, because it will be spent and then bills wont get paid..or she will try to control every cent of it. Her - she doesn't think she can trust me with money, and refuses to see her own spending patterns. We cant even talk about money without it getting heated. I'm miserable, I can't even have a bad day and feel like I have to confide in others rather than my own wife..I also feel like I cant celebrate a good week without fearing its going to turn into a spend-a-palooza.

That about sums it up, as much as possible in a few paragraphs..im sure many others have been through the same.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

have you tried separating your finances so that she does not have access to the money you bring in?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Wtf,

Split the bills then what ever she has left is hers and what ever you have left is your.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

It sounds like you are afraid of your wife and, therefore, afraid to take the lead. It's a simple matter of depositing savings into a separate account and leave the joint account for household expenses. When she complains, tell her "It's time that one of us takes financial responsibility for MY money." Since she wants to claim all her own money as her own, then take care of your home and children, but don't let her have access to the rest. When unexpected expenses occur, the money will be available. The two of you can also make large financial decisions together with that money, or you can leave her out of it completely. It's not up to you to pay for all the household bills AND everything else she wants to buy while she keeps her money to herself. 

Believe me, she is squirreling her own money away. There is no way it is even possible to spend ALL of her money week in and week out PLUS have you pay all the bills unless she has a drug or gambling problem. Daycare is expensive, but it is not such a large portion of a nurse's paycheck, so what else do you think she does with her money? And frankly, if she really is an RN as you think, then she earns more than 30-50k each year unless you guys live in a one-pony town. RNs make more than that. At least they surely can. Whatever she earns, daycare is NOT that big of a dent. I know she has her car payment and probably some other expenses, but she earns enough to support herself and children with those same expenses so unless you see a house full of brand new furniture every month, I cannot imagine how she spends all of her money. It is time you take the lead and get her hands off of your money so you can take care of home and family like you should, and that includes saving for a rainy day and unexpected expenses.

It's also a strong man who puts a stop to his wife's berating. You don't have to deal with that either. And finally, why have you and she not gone to marriage counseling? The answer is not "because she won't go" so please don't tell me that. 

Women respect an alpha man and will run over men who are pushovers. It's time you man up and stop being afraid of your wife.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Consider also that she will have a retirement by way of 401k that she's saving for right now through her place of employment. They might also offer a pension. What will you have when it's to retire? 

She additionally has a life insurance policy through her job. Do you have one?

Another thing is a college fund for the kids. Ask her if she is saving for that. Maybe that's part of where her money goes. I doubt it but maybe.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

StarFires said:


> It sounds like you are afraid of your wife and, therefore, afraid to take the lead. It's a simple matter of depositing savings into a separate account and leave the joint account for household expenses. When she complains, tell her "It's time that one of us takes financial responsibility for MY money." Since she wants to claim all her own money as her own, then take care of your home and children, but don't let her have access to the rest. When unexpected expenses occur, the money will be available. The two of you can also make large financial decisions together with that money, or you can leave her out of it completely. It's not up to you to pay for all the household bills AND everything else she wants to buy while she keeps her money to herself.
> 
> Believe me, she is squirreling her own money away. *There is no way it is even possible to spend ALL of her money week in and week out PLUS have you pay all the bills unless she has a drug or gambling problem.* Daycare is expensive, but it is not such a large portion of a nurse's paycheck, so what else do you think she does with her money? And frankly, if she really is an RN as you think, then she earns more than 30-50k each year unless you guys live in a one-pony town. RNs make more than that. At least they surely can. Whatever she earns, daycare is NOT that big of a dent. I know she has her car payment and probably some other expenses, but she earns enough to support herself and children with those same expenses so unless you see a house full of brand new furniture every month, I cannot imagine how she spends all of her money. It is time you take the lead and get her hands off of your money so you can take care of home and family like you should, and that includes saving for a rainy day and unexpected expenses.
> 
> ...


thats not even close to true. he already described how his wife does it, 20-30 dollars at a time. 
my wife would do this if she had access to my account. it was nothing for her to spend 200 dollars in a day on stuff that ultimately ends up in the trash can at the end of the day.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

My wife first did close to the same thing when we first
got married. I set up two different accounts. Then I gave her a list
of bills she was responsible for and mine. Even thou I was paying 
the majority of money out (I made more) she still thought this was 
unfair. Finally I told her (DID NOT ASK) we would split every bill 50/50
I pay half she pays half. When she tried this for a while she agreed with
the original plan.That was many years ago and now we have a joint account
and everything is fine. You need to set up rules and stick to them.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

We have been married 18 years.. And yes, he has had some bad years (we were still OK). And then of course the really good years. He used to tell me or talk about this.. 'I'm not doing so good' would mean don't spend anything. Or he would come home happy and then tell me 'it's going to be a good year'!! NOW, the man is just miserable for whatever reason (fiancially I think we are good!!) so he doesn't talk about work anymore. Bills are being paid and we have money in the bank, 401K, college fund.. Sometimes, I do have to snoop around to make sure 'things' are in order and he's not doing anything sneaky.

I know it's sad but maybe you shouldn't talk about work with her.. Maybe you should start squirreling money away just in case. In the meantime, find out what is taken out of her paycheck.. That 401K and college fund has grown so much!!! But I agree both should be on the same page. Could you have a joint checking where both checks are deposited in? Or maybe alternate months on who pays the mortgage and daycare.. There is also that 'envelope' idea that I think is pretty cool but not sure she would go for it.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

She's always known exactly what she was doing. Before she met you, she did not spend money she did not have. She knew how to count.

Her behavior is exactly the same now. Selfish and greedy. When she was doing the $20-$30 purchases and eating out at the beginning of your relationship, it was a fitness test. You failed. 

You put up with her bad behavior. A great deal of the joy this kind of woman gets out of this kind of spending is the sadistic glee over the man's suffering. She doesn't need Starbucks. But Starbucks puts a lot of stress on the husband. 

One of the things I do is not let people play dumb. Tell them you know exactly what they are doing - how selfish, greedy, and cruel they are. This is the first step to taking decisive action. You don't argue about it. Nobody knows better than her. You point out the behavior, you indicate it is not open to interpretation, and then impose consequences. You cannot threaten consequences you are not prepared to deliver on.


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