# dontpanic's Journal



## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I need a place to write down my thoughts and feelings, so I am starting this Journal thread. I have posted my story on one thread back in March and then a few weeks ago I started another thread. But I feel scattered all over the place so I'm trying to make this thread my home base.

I left TAM when things got too painful (summer of death, see below). I return to TAM an older, humbler person.

So now I just need a place to vent. I don't think I'm even ready for advice. I just need to be heard. I miss my STBXH so badly. I really miss him listening to me. He hasn't listened to me for many many years now so the loneliness is really strong.

It is hard to reduce my life to bullet-points, but here it is:

39 yrs old female
Married: 16.5 years at age 22
I was diagnosed with clinical depression the 1st year we were married.
No children - he didn't want kids if I was on meds and then he was too scared that if I was sick all of the responsibility would fall on him
Have been on meds and therapy for 15 years
Nov 2006 I almost died from a freak illness. It took me 3 years to recover completely
Started marriage counseling: Dec 2009
I thought we were there to talk about starting a family (finally). He handed me a letter describing his unhappiness and how he didn't know if we could build a future together (I love you but I don't know if I can be married to you)
Stopped having sex: Nov 2010
Told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me: Feb 2011 (I love you but I'm not in love with you in "that way")
Summer 2011: celebrated his parent's 50th anniversary on a 2 week family trip
I asked him to move out: Sep 2011
He moved to an apartment that he was sub-leting: Dec 28 2011
Told me he doesn't ever see us reconciling as a couple: May 2012 (I care about you and would hate to lose your friendship, but you don't fulfill my needs)
Stopped Marriage Counseling
June 2012: He moved to a permanent apartment. I gave him half the furniture from the house
My mother died (age 73): June 2012
My brother died (age 46): July 2012
STBXH aunt dies: August 2012
He helped me bury my mother and my brother which was incredibly painful and de-railed my 180 big time. He really stepped up to the plate during that terrible summer and I will always owe him for that.
Sept 2012: He came Labor Day weekend and packed up 30 boxes which are still sitting in my living room
Nov 2012: I realized he's not ever coming back to me and asked to meet with the mediator
[Editor's Note, 2/14/2013: 
Dec 2012: He finally moved out all the boxes and marrital furniture to a storage unit
Jan 2012: We each had a consultation with a lawyer
Feb 2012: He set up an appt to meet with the mediator to start talking about what the lawyers told us and outlining how to divide the finances]

I realized that even though I was trying to do the 180 all year to different degrees and had been really not contacting him since September, inside my heart I was still relying on him emotionally. After Hurricane Sandy at the beginning of Nov, when he wasn't there for me I realized that I need to stop. I am done trying and caring and worrying. There is no more "us". I need to take care of myself. Interacting with him hurts me so much so I have to stop.

Throughout it all he says he respects me and cares about my well-being and wants to be my friend. I care about him so much but I know that if I'm ever going to get over him I need to not see him at all and really do the 180 fully - not as a game to get him back. Because I really need to take care of myself -- he is taking care of himself and he is not taking care of me emotionally. So who will if I don't?

I need to heal from this year of hell. I gave notice at my job in September to give them time to find someone. Yesterday was my last day. I feel like I need a month to sleep it off.

But I know that when I wake up, I'll still be in so much pain. Its not going to "all go away". This is my new life. I am alone. I lost 3 people that I love this year. I don't understand my purpose in life.

This is it. I have to figure it out or die trying.


Man is born alone and dies alone


I walk a lonely road
Its the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone


Wow, I really don't want to do this. No wonder I'm panicking.

--dontpanic


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I am in so much pain. The loss in my heart is like a gaping hole. 

I can't believe that everything I say about how I feel sounds like so trite and cliche. I feel like I never knew what words meant before. The word pain is so inadequate.

Slept a lot today. Am going out to do a few errands. I feel awful, but I'm going out anyway.

My future seems so bleak.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

dontpanic said:


> Throughout it all he says he respects me and cares about my well-being and wants to be my friend. I care about him so much but I know that if I'm ever going to get over him I need to not see him at all and really do the 180 fully - not as a game to get him back. Because I really need to take care of myself -- he is taking care of himself and he is not taking care of me emotionally. So who will if I don't?
> 
> I feel like I need a month to sleep it off.
> 
> But I know that when I wake up, I'll still be in so much pain. Its not going to "all go away". This is my new life. I am alone..


 Couldn't have said it better. These parts quoted are exactly how I feel. Though its a 'Her', not a 'Him' for me. 

I can't overemphasize how painful loss like this is. Both in death and love. Though in some ways loss of love is tougher because the person who said they loved you had a choice to leave. 

Most of the people here are going through similar, yet intimately different, journeys through this same deep dark valley we were cast down into when our hearts were broken. All of us are hoping for a sudden light to shine through this darkened maze of cold lifeless rock that lines this valley. Waiting for a light to illuminate our way out of this damned and unholy place, so we can emerge on top of the valley's hilltop, where the sun radiates love and once again we can smile that we made it out the other side and can continue on with our lives. 

One thing is certain. No one has every lingered in the valley forever and everyone finds a way out eventually. In that there is hope. 

Poetic license aside, My hand is outreached, as is many of the others here, to help you on your way and lift you up the best we can. Sincerely my heart goes out to you & everyone on these forums who has suffered even a fraction of the pain I feel for the loss of the one I loved. It breaks my heart everyday to read yet another story of suffering I did not know. I wish I could wave a magic wand and whisp away all the pain and suffering and bring smiles and joy to everyone's faces.

As to your Poem. You are not alone.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Nowhere - interesting that you said how the loss of love is tougher than death. I had the same thoughts and even told the STBXW that it would have been easier if she had died so I and the kids wouldn't have to try to understand and explain her decision. Plus the hope of reconciliation would be obviously gone and I would have been still blissfully ignorant of her true feelings.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Nowhere & soca70 - thank you for responding

Nowhere - Thank you for your words of comfort. I keep re-reading them because they make me feel less alone.

soca70 - The loss of my mother was natural. She was older and ill. It is very painful, but I get it -- everyone buries their parents. The death of my brother came 3 weeks after my mother and was out of left field. No illness, no warning, just hit me over the head. I don't know if D is worse than death. But at least my mom & my brother didn't leave me on purpose.

Death is unexpected and unwanted and uncontrollable. It is an act of G-d - no one Chose for it to happen.

But my STBXH chose to leave our home and marriage and rejects my love. I just can't understand why he doesn't cherish what we have - it can all be taken away in an instant by circumstances beyond our control. Why wouldn't he rather be together in a family than alone?

Yet he is choosing D. He is choosing to be alone. I obviously don't understand him anymore - I don't know who he is or what he wants if he would rather live life without me than with me.

Am I really that bad? Living with me and accepting my love is that bad? Why would I want to be with someone who feels that way?

I am still suffering so much grief and bereavement I don't feel motivated to do anything anymore. I feel like whatever effort I could possibly make will all end up in dust.

I take my meds and see my therapist but I don't see an end in sight.

It helps me to know that when I feel so alone and so hurt that there are others that have gone down this path before me and have made it out alive. Thats why I come to TAM. I have to believe in something.

I feel like I will never be happy again. I have coped with depression my whole life. But this feeling is different. I am paralyzed with fear of doing anything because I think that it can - and will - all be snatched away. That nothing good can ever come of anything.

I loved my husband with all my heart. I did everything that I know to save our marriage. We spent so much time and money on therapists and marriage counselors. But I will never be good enough for him. I don't fulfill his needs. I don't make him happy.

I don't know what it all means. I loved him - why wasn't that enough?

I want to want to do things again. I don't want to just wallow in pain. But I really feel like I've fallen and I can't be bothered to get up.

"No one ever promised that life was fair. Too bad, so sad. Buck up, keep on truckin'. Keep on putting one foot in front of another..."

What if I don't see the point? What if I don't feel like bothering anymore? What if I don't believe there is anything but pain in life. Why should I bother trying, only to be shot down again and again?

Will I ever be a success at anything? Will I ever be happy? I wish that I could fastforward to the end of this sad movie.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Wisdom from Modern Family (Ep4:3):

Jay: 
I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door that you go through. Sometimes, you don't get that choice. But you still gotta walk through it. So you can either go kicking and screaming or walk through with your head held high.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I spoke to my STBXH tonight regarding finances and he was very normal and supportive. He said that I shouldn't worry about how we will pay for his apartment and still keep up the mortgage for the house. We have always been comfortable financially but he sounded so calm, saying there would be alimony and a settlement. In the past he would've been anxious about the $, but he must really want to be alone to bite this financial bullet.

Then I brought up going to the MC to get closure bec he obviously wants to file for D in the next few months. I still don't really know why its over. I think he thinks the grass is greener but he says (and I believe) that he hasn't had an EA/PA. I think he thinks that I don't have what he needs. I don't really know what that means. I know he thinks that he has "fallen out of love" with me, but I don't think that I know what that means either. I think he decided that he doesn't want to be married, but if he re-marries in a few years, I'll know that that's a lie that I told myself to comfort myself.

I hate that this is happening to my life and I don't really understand why it is happening at all. There are really no "bad guys" in my story so I really don't get it. Why do we have to get divorced?

He says he has to discuss the MC/closure thing with his IC because he needs to "do what's best for him emotionally". I think this means he doesn't want to share how he feels because he thinks its gonna hurt. No joke - what have I been feeling for the past 3 years?

Why is my STBXH so scared to feel? I just want him to be honest with me and himself. He says he doesn't hate me, I don't disgust him, he respects me, he thinks I'm strong, he wants to be my friend, he cares about me but is not in love with me.

If he said he was angry or disappointed or blamed me or thought I was toxic, then at least I would get it - there would be a reason.

Isn't it logical that it is much simpler, cheaper, kinder to work really hard on this marriage that we invested 16 yrs in? Getting a D and finding someone new will just mean that you put in all that effort in marriage #2. Why would he think that's a good idea? Why doesn't he see all that we have going for us?

Will I ever know why......?!? Does he even know? In 5 years from now will he regret it?

I guess I'm really having trouble accepting this. I can't believe he wants a divorce. I love him so much.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

You are going through a lot of the things we all go through. I was told the ' I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. It really doesn't make much sense when you think about it. I've asked myself all the same questions you have.

I'm sorry you are going through this. There are many reasons that men/women fall out of love. I'd suggest finding some books to read. In my experience through reading some books I've been able to piece together what went wrong in my marriage and what I should have done. Of course its all hindsight as my wife appears to have no desire to contact me, miss me or work at our marriage. However I'm glad I've read all these things because it helps me make some sense of it all and hopefully will prepare me if I ever get into another relationship. Though it really doesn't dull the pain and loss much.

Most of the books I've read I heard about here, but are meant for men. Hopefully some women will come in here and suggest some books that might help make more sense of what you and your man are going through and why.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Thank you NoWhere. It does help me to be on TAM and hear that I am not the only one who has felt this way and been through this. 

I have also gotten some good recommendations of books from TAM. The one that seems to describe my H best is "Listening to Midlife: Turning your Crisis into a Quest" by Mark Gerzon.

Please let me know of any that you thought were helpful.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I believe Co-Dependent no more is one often recommended here. I haven't read it yet myself. I was hoping Conrad would step in here. He's pretty good at this stuff.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Co-Dependent No More is sitting on my nightstand for the past 5 months

;-)


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I also thought about going to a CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous) support group meeting. I've gotta make that a New Year's resolution


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Then read it and send me the cliff notes 

I looked and there are no support groups in my area. Guess I'm on my own.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don'tpanic,

Are you in therapy?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

That's what I like about you Conrad. Straight and to the point. Wish I had people like you at my business. So many people go around the block to reach the other side. :scratchhead:


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

It has nothing to do with Conrad really.

You're able to deal with reality.

So he gives it to you.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Don'tpanic,
> 
> Are you in therapy?


Conrad,
Short answer: Yes
Is it helping me anymore? I'm not sure

Long answer:
Tried therapy briefly in college 
Been married since June 1996
Diagnoses with clinical depression Jan 1997
(tried difft meds, but it took until late 1999 to get me stable on meds)
Started cognitive-behavioral therapy June 1997-July 1998
Started psychotherapy with my current therapist Aug 1998-present
(Her style is eclectic, talk therapy)
We tried marriage counseling for 6 months ~2000
(to discuss why he didn't want to have kids yet)
We met our current MC in Dec 2005
(to discuss why he still wasn't ready to have kids)
I got a life-threatening acute illness in Nov 2006
Complete recovery took until Aug 2009
Resumed MC in Dec 2009
(I thought it was so we could finally get ready to have kids. H handed me a letter describing his unhappiness and desire to work on our relationship but that he wasn't sure if he could ever be happy with me because our issues overlapped too much. Like my issues made his issues worse and vice versa)
We were in MC Dec 2009-May 2012
(He moved out at the end of Dec 2011)
His sublet apt lease ended and he rented his own "real" apt in June 2012.
We would have moved ahead with separating further that summer, but in June my mom died and in July my brother died.

So we are just now getting around to making appt with the mediator to proceed with legal and financial separation to go towards D


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Make this call first:

Center for Self Leadership, IFS Therapy Training (Official Site)


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I spoke to STBXH tonight as I wanted to clarify where we had left things. Of course I ended up crying, but he did talk to me and clarify how he feels right now.

I asked him if he will ever be able to give me closure, to explain to me why he gave up on us.

He said that he didn't give up on us. That I never understood that it wasn't about us. It is about him and stuff inside him that he is trying to deal with. (Its not about you, its about me.)

I said I get that he is having some kind of MLC or personal crisis but I never understood why we couldn't work on ourselves in the context of our relationship.

He said he would have to talk to his IC before he could answer me. That he's not sure that he will ever be able to explain it to me.

I told him that he has to own the fact that his actions are causing irreparable damage to my life and that I deserve an honest explanation.

He said that he might agree that I deserve it, but that doesn't mean he will ever be able to give that to me.

---
The problem all along during 2.5 yrs of MC has been that I wanted to work on our relationship. He continually says that he is working on understanding himself and his needs and he can't even think about us until all his own s**t is straightened out. And that he knows its not fair to me to leave me in limbo which is why he is willing to comply with going forward formally (legally/financially/etc).

If he just wanted out the whole time, why string me along? How can someone truly not know how they feel for so many years? He's basically saying, "I don't even know how I feel about myself. How the h*ll am I supposed to know how I feel about you?" Isn't that the biggest EXCUSE and COP-OUT you ever heard?

He insists there is no EA/PA. He seems just married to his work which he has always been successful at.

Am I crazy to want some answers here? And how do I move on if I'm not going to get any answers? Was the past 17.5 years (1 yr dating/engaged + 16.5 married) a total lie?

I am not going to contact him again. I made it very clear that the ball is in his court to proceed. I deleted him from my cell phone and email. I need to get back on the 180 bandwagon. 

I only have 2 weeks left before I leave on vacation. My vacation is 2 weeks long. So I am stating here publically that I will not contact him for the next 4 weeks. I will only respond re: pragmatics if he initiates contact.

Wow this is so hard. Makes me want to scream and punch and cry all at the same time. Arrrrrrggggghhhhh.

Am I the only one who doesn't know why they are getting divorced? When they say the wife's the last one to know, they aren't joking...


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Make this call first:
> 
> Center for Self Leadership, IFS Therapy Training (Official Site)


Thank you, Conrad. I will look into it.
--dontpanic


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DP,

Do you want answers to your questions?


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do you want answers to your questions?


Yes, I do


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I volunteered with a group helping Hurricaine Sandy victims both yesterday and today. It felt good to help others even though I'm not so great at helping myself. I also relished the physical exertion - it actually made me feel tired. I still had insomnia last night & Wass up until 2am , but then I managed to sleep almost 6 hrs without a sleeping pill. I don't think that I've been able to do that at all for the past 5 months since my mother died.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Co-Dependent No More is sitting on my nightstand for the past 5 months

I also thought about going to a CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous) support group meeting. I've gotta make that a New Year's resolution
***********************

Both of these things would help you considerably.

At first blush, you appear to be a rescuer.

He's never "really" had it together, has he?


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> At first blush, you appear to be a rescuer.
> 
> He's never "really" had it together, has he?


Conrad -
I'm not sure what you mean by 'never "really" had it together'? Intellectually and financially he's very put together. He was extremely overweight for the first 14 years that I knew him, but in the past 3 years (during his MLC) he's lost a ton of weight and is a lot healthier.

Socially he's always been an introvert/loner but when he is around people he has a good sense of humor and is an interesting conversationalist.

I was always more outgoing and family- & community- focussed. He always found it difficult to make and keep friends.

I know that he feels emotionally insecure and has low-self esteem. His mother was pretty emotionally abusive. He never was "ready" to have kids which is one way he didn't have it together.

I guess I am curious in what sense you mean your comment?

Your feedback is appreciated,
--dontpanic


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What attracted you to him in the first place? Did you feel that he wouldn't leave you due to his introversion?

BTW - I'm not surprised about his childhood.

He's likely harboring a significant amount of anger.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What attracted you to him in the first place?


I was attracted to my H because he was smart and funny. He was intellectually curious and was always learning new things. He was moral and principled and seemed to have his head screwed on straight. He was logical (unlike my family which was super-emotional). He was motivated to pursue a good career. He had a nice group of friends in college. He is witty and has a sharp sense of humor. He could laugh at himself. He's cute looking. He was interested in me. He was a good listener. We enjoyed talking to each other. He has an original way of thinking. He respected me. We both valued trust, security, family, friends, and religious values. He seemed confident about what he wanted. He knew how to work hard, but he also knew how to relax and have fun (I had a hard childhood and never really learned to relax and he taught me how to take a vacation.) He bought me stuffed animals and earrings. He courted me and fell in love with me and then I fell in love with him and then we got engaged. We were 22 and 23 when we got married.

We seemed to have similar backgrounds, although his family was more affluent and (on the surface) well-adapted. It was only later that I realized that his mother had a real anxiety disorder that was largely untreated and that she was uber-emotional. He was a victim of his mother's moods since he was a young child. So, of course, he picks as a wife someone who has clinical depression and anxiety (although I am actively treating my disorder). Basically, people seem to pick a more reparative version of their dysfunctional family dynamic.



Conrad said:


> Did you feel that he wouldn't leave you due to his introversion?


I really had no idea that he was an introvert at heart. It is something I think he denied to himself for a long hime. About 4 years ago he started labelling himself as an introvert after reading "The Introvert's Dilemma" (which I think is a very good book). Based on the criteria in the book, he was a classic introvert. However, per this book, I am not an extreme extrovert on the continuum of extravert-to-introvert. I come out somewhere in the middle.

I felt that he wouldn't leave me because we took sacred vows to marry each other and spend our lives together. We have a lot in common and we also have our own strengths and weaknesses. I felt that we taught each other a lot over the years - that it was reciprocal and equal and teamwork. Even in our co-dependency and dysfunction, we were equal. We both rescued each other. I can admit the flaws in our relationship and the ways that I was too dependent on him and him too dependent on me. But, I think that "the grass is greener" is a myth and that when two adults are motivated to do so, they can develop new, healthier patterns of interacting with each other.



Conrad said:


> BTW - I'm not surprised about his childhood.
> 
> He's likely harboring a significant amount of anger.


I feel that the greatest barrier in all of our years of MC was that he refuses to express his own anger and disappointment and instead hides behind a cloud of shame and guilt. I *wish* he would let his anger out, but since he won't go there I can't really force the issue. To me it seems obvious that he is terrified of his own emotions, so he'd rather be alone where no one is asking him to access him emotions, rather than working on a relationship where he would need to address his emotional issues head-on.

The lie of D is that he can start a new relationship in the future without all of the "emotional baggage" that our relationship has. But for true intimacy, he will need to face his emotions sooner or later or is destined to repeat the same pattern again and again. 

But "what I think" is clearly irrelevant, since he is not asking for my input in his life anymore.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I have one more week until I leave on vacation. My mood was OK over Thanksgiving and then tanked yesterday. I went from barely sleeping 5 hrs to sleeping 16 hrs straight. However, at least I am not taking sleeping pills anymore.

My goal this week is to pack and get ready for my trip and to take care of a few items on my "to do" list. I am trying to keep the stress level low and just do what needs to get done.

My STBXH wants to meet with the mediator this week to get that ball rolling. It seems a lot easier for him to discuss pragmatics and logistics than it does to discuss emotions.

He better have all of his stuff out of the house by the time I return from my vacation. I really will freak out if he doesn't take care of it since he's been promising to do it for the past few weeks.

But I am going to put it out of my head and enjoy my trip because I cannot control what he does or doesn't do. I can only control my own behavior. I am looking forward to spending time with myself and with friends in a warmer climate and beautiful surroundings.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Been gone from TAM for 3 weeks and have come up with two insights:

1) I have to initiate the divorce, even though I'm chicken (but, wow, it feels so wrong)

2) Some of my friends who were good to have as girlfriends when we were all married, totally don't get it and can't really empathize at all now that I'm headed towards divorce. Best comment this week was "why didn't you try harder to change into the kind of person that he wanted to be with?"

Being on vacay overseas with limited access to a computer, I really missed TAM. At least here people understand how difficult D is on all parties.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

dontpanic said:


> Been gone from TAM for 3 weeks and have come up with two insights:
> 
> 1) I have to initiate the divorce, even though I'm chicken (but, wow, it feels so wrong)
> 
> ...



I hope that was followed by a big slap to the face...because it sure sht would have from me.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Thanks, Stella_Moon. I really needed that to cheer me up.

When I looked back, I realized that I started getting closer to this friend when my STBXH started pulling away from me emotionally. And, although she is a girl, she is really very similar to him in many ways and thinks in a more "masculine" way: very logical and single-minded and opinionated -- not really "warm and fuzzy. Then 2 yrs ago, she and her hub and kids moved overseas. So I've had the last two years of growth and learning to be more independent and learning to live alone and learning to say goodbye (to my marriage and my mom and brother who died) and she is basically still the same person. So I have outgrown her or we have grown apart.

So I realized that expecting her to understand was completely unrealistic. She has no D in her family and has no experience with D at all. When we had a heart-to-heart, she was so much more sympathetic with my STBXH and his perspective. She felt like I was out-of-line for expecting him to open up and explain how he feels. Because she would react the same way as him. Which is of course why I got closer to her in the first place -- as a substitute for STBXH who was drawing away from me.

The big joke is that of all of my girl friends, STBXH "approved" of this girl more than my other friends. It is only now that I realize that it is because they are so similar. And I really wanted to please him so badly and spending time with her was OK with him. She really was there for me at a difficult time, but she doesn't have the capacity to be a good friend to me now.

So, no, I didn't slap her. I spent an hour trying to explain how I was feeling and then got so upset that I finally told her that she really has difficulty being empathetic and putting herself into someone else's shoes. So the next day, she tells me that I really hurt her feelings by saying that she was un-empathetic. She was polite to me for the remaining few days of my vacation, but really made no more effort to talk to me or clear the air, even though at that point I was staying in her house (I had spent most of my visit in a bed & breakfast.)

So the joke was on me because I spent several thousand dollars on my 1st vacation w/o my hub to travel halfway around the world to spend time with someone who I had thought of as a close friend who couldn't validate my feelings, couldn't empathize with me, and related to my STBXH's perspective.

It was an important lesson for me to learn.

People are like trained monkeys. I clearly keep on choosing to seek out the same kinds of people, only to set myself up for disappointment again and again. You can't really expect people to be anything more than what they are and they can only give what they have to give.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

This week was the 1 year anniversary of him moving out. I was really depressed all week. When the pain hits, I feel like I will never get beyond this. I still miss him so much.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

dontpanic said:


> This week was the 1 year anniversary of him moving out. I was really depressed all week. When the pain hits, I feel like I will never get beyond this. I still miss him so much.


I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope it will get easier to bear. Be strong.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Moxy, thank you so much for sympathizing. 

I spent New Year's Eve and Day with a close friend which I really enjoyed. I also ordered a few books: Spiritual Divorce, The Five Love Languages, Uncoupling, and The Road Less Travelled. 

I am really trying to learn and grow from this experience when I feel OK. The problem is that I start to feel better and work on myself and then I get slammed by the feelings of pain and grief again and I can't do much more than survive. I have to appreciate all of the good and focus on the positive. 

Today was a good day.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I am down with a bad cold, but besides that I am having a good week. 

I am religious Jewish so I live in a small community. One of my married neighbors introduced me to a divorced woman friend of hers who lives in the area. This woman told me that she organizes social events among the single women in our area so I gave her my contact info. 

I am starting to branch out - to meet other single women in my community. I need to start to socialize with other women who aren't part of a couple instead of being a 3rd wheel with my married friends. And also to become friends with women who have gone through divorce who can relate to what I'm going through.

It is a big deal for me, to stop identifying as a "married woman" and start identifying as a "single woman". Because we didn't have kids and he's been gone a year and I have to start making baby steps out into the big, bad world.

I can't even imagine dating anyone else besides my STBXH, but its early days yet. I still miss him so much every day.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

dontpanic said:


> I am down with a bad cold, but besides that I am having a good week.
> 
> I am religious Jewish so I live in a small community. One of my married neighbors introduced me to a divorced woman friend of hers who lives in the area. This woman told me that she organizes social events among the single women in our area so I gave her my contact info.
> 
> ...


That sounds great. Wish I had something like that here. I can identify with the fear of dating someone else all too well. This last week has shown me that I haven't moved on at all. No matter how much I bottle up my fears and sadness its still in there waiting to bust out at the seams. I think if I met someone going through the same thing to hang out with it would be much easier.

Hope your cold gets better.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

NoWhere - Thank you for sharing. Although you may feel at times that "you haven't moved on at all", its really two steps forward, one step back. You are making progress, you will have setbacks along the way when you feel like nothing has changed. Believe me, I know. 

Sending you (((hugs))) and strength to move forward.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I haven't visited TAM for over a week and it feels like a year. I finally got over my cold and then I was just depressed. For about 2 days somewhere in there I was hopeful, but then I was depressed again.

I met the divorce lawyer for the first time last week. I also had to spend several hours with my STBXH on pragmatics yesterday. Then I binged on ice cream even though I handled him well and was not emotional. Or maybe *because* I did well and was not emotional, after he left I was pretty messed up.

I got together with a group of women last night - some neighbors had invited me for a small gathering (5 pple altogether). They are all 15-20 years older than me - in their late 50s/early 60s. Most of them were dealing with eldercare issues and had grown kids. I have no kids and my mom died already. They were nice to me and I could relate somewhat, but they are in a different stage of life. 

My friends are all busy with kids and homework and carpool and Costco.

So far nothing has panned out as far as meeting other singles/divorced women.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I have been missing my brother (who died) a lot this week and also my Mom. I feel like my grief bounces around between missing my hub, missing my mom, missing my bro. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

Last week, my STBXH told me he is working on writing a letter explaining how he feels. This is in response to me giving him a "Dear John" letter at the beginning of December saying that I was going to actively pursue a divorce. Its 6 weeks later and he says he is working on writing down what he feels but is fearful of giving me his letter because of how I will respond. He says he feels a lot of shame and fears being ridiculed for his feelings. At least he admits that it comes from him, not from me. He says he knows I have been understanding about his MLC and have not ridiculed him. He is just so scared of admitting how he feels, even to himself. The other few times in the last two years that he struggled before sharing how he felt was when he told me that he wasn't attracted to me physically anymore (no sh*t Sherlock - we hadn't had sex in months at that point) and then a year later when he told me he didn't see any hope of us reconciling as a couple (also a no brainer). So I know that when he finally does give me this letter - although difficult for him to quantify his feelings - it will likely not tell me anything that I don't know already from his actions (or inaction.) But, I know it is still going to hurt - so I have s/t to look fwd to.

This is the biggest mis-match in us as a couple. He is all Logic and I am all Emotion. I am overwhelmed with all of my feelings all of the time - I can't escape. He lives in denial for years and then it takes him two months to decide if he feels anything at all.

I am sad and I am rambling. I feel alone. I never wanted to be a "divorced person". This is not how I wanted my life to turn out. Now it has and I am stuck - can't go back and can't go forward.

My brain knows that I should, but my heart is so broken I feel like I can't. Everyone says "give it time". They don't tell you that every minute of that "time" hurts like h*ll.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

dontpanic said:


> I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
> I am sad and I am rambling. I feel alone. I never wanted to be a "divorced person". This is not how I wanted my life to turn out. Now it has and I am stuck - can't go back and can't go forward.
> 
> My brain knows that I should, but my heart is so broken I feel like I can't. Everyone says "give it time". They don't tell you that every minute of that "time" hurts like h*ll.


I'm going through the same emotions and can relate. It will get better with time, but it does hurt tremendously. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and as much as I don't want to be alone frankly it scares the hell out of me to meet someone else or even try to have another relationship. I just live one day at a time, try to remain positive and keep busy, but I still have days where I just break down and cry. I never wanted or expected to be divorced or alone either. However it is out of my control and there is no going back no matter how much I wish.

Just hang in there and try to remain strong. It will get better even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Someday this will all be a distant memory not worth remembering.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Well I'm with you guys here. I don't feel like I belong anywhere in particular either. Everyone is taken..busy with their families or significant others etc...I didn't want a divorce either. But looking back at the kind of marriage I had...paleese...it wasn't a 'marriage' at all. It was simply 'a different kind' of loneliness. 

I know that 'stuck' feeling you are in. And I know it's hard to hear when someone simply says 'move forward' (myself included..lol)...and yet we wake up in a state of 'limbo'...yes? 

Choices. 

Choose. 

It's up to 'us'...it's up to 'me'...it's up to 'you' to stay in your state of limbo or figure it out. Do you need meds? If you do or not sure...see a doctor....Need counseling? If your not getting any get some...if you are get more...join a divorce group...I mean point is...it comes down to either staying in the miserable state your in...or getting out. 

You feel like your in a well with slippery sides and yet you want to crawl out but you can't right? You need to find the 'peg's' to slowly climb up... this is 'your life' people. Divorce happens. We have been burned. It sucks. We cannot stop what is happening...but we can find a way to help ourselves get through it. You have to 'want to'... 

And some days I don't 'want to' either... so I just spend that day in bed and watch movies...or eat ice cream  ...and that's ok...for that day. No matter what you see....life is still going on around us...we can either participate in it...or let it pass us by and let our circumstances consume us...minez well stay in that 'well' then huh? Is that what you want? 
Find the pegs...crawl out. I'm not out...I've found a couple pegs though because I don't want my life to 'end'...here. I don't want that bastrd to have gotten the best of me. He did that already for the last three years. He controlled my marriage...I'm controlling the divorce...and the rest of my life. 
Pain...it's our bodys way of reminding us we are STILL ALIVE!


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I'm doing OK today. Some days are terrible and others are better. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.

NoWhere & StellaMoon, thank you both for your words of encouragement. I need to re-read your posts and even print them out so I can remember that I am not alone. Maybe I need to start saying affirmations when i wake up in the morning to burn into my brain that I need to let go of what I can't contol and take charge of what I can.

I am taking baby steps towards "choosing" to take control of the situation. I am between jobs, so I just started volunteering to work with a senior citizen twice a week. I have been going to yoga and pilates once a week (need to increase that but 2 classes per wk is better than zero). I just got the name of a new therapist who works with a techhnique called EMDR which is supposed to be effective for traumatic events (separation from STBXH plus death of my mother and brother w/i a 6 month period qualifies as "trauma"). Hope to start with her next week.

I met with the lawyer last week and now I need to actually *read* the 20 pages of stuff she gave me and work out an estimated budget for support. Wow I'm gonna hate dealing with the $ stuff!!! As if you can boil down your whole intense complicated love relationship into dollars and cents. (I cared about you for 16+ yrs = approx 6,000 days of love, caring, and companionship @ $x per day = ....)

My other project is to revamp my home from being Our space to being My space. I have been procrastinating buying new furniture and painting and redecorating (I gave him most of the furniture as it all had too many memories for me). I have gone to some furniture stores and looked in design books, but what I really need to do is find an interior decorator. I've had some false starts with this, but I finally emailed 2 candidates. If I don't hear from them soon, I will contact some others. I'm not really feeling in the mood to be creative, pick colors, and make decisions, but right now my house looks so empty and depressing, its a catch-22. I need to alter my physical surroundings to help me stop thinking about the maried life that I lost and start dealing with the single life I have.

I also need to pat myself on the back for adhering to the No Contact rule with STBXH. I don't need to see him for at least another 2-3 weeks until we meet with the mediator next. NC is very challenging for me, but I know it pays off. Whenever I see him it brings up so many emotions and my mood goes from missing him to hating him to wanting to beg him to come home. even if I don't act on any of my feelings, I invariably end up veering off my diet in the days following our encounter.

So I have a few weeks reprieve and I'm going to make the most of it.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Your going to be ok girl...you just are...we both are...

Xoxo


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

My latest rant was of a religious/spiritual nature so I placed it here

The latest is that after I wrote a letter to my STBXH at the beginning of Dec saying that I would be actively pushing for divorce, I waited two months for his response.

He finally gave me a letter explaining why he felt our marriage has to end and how he felt so unhappy and suffocated in our life together. This of course hurt immensely bec I remember so many of the good times that I think he is writing off / forgetting.

But in this 3 page letter he finally manned-up and told me what he needs and this will finally set me free:

"I need you to let me go."

In two and a half years of marriage counselling and 13 months of separation, he has never actually told me what he wants. And now he did.

The fact that this one line is his big "reveal" kind of speaks to how emotionally stunted and intimacy-challenged he really is.

We work, we try, we compromise, we invest, we hurt, we yell, we beg and in the end (and maybe the entire time *sigh*) it is really all about what he needs.

And if he's really been so unhappy and in so much emotional pain for the past 10-12 years, did it *really* have to take that long for him to spit it out?

[I know that growth is slow and painful and I am proud of him for finally admitting to himself and telling me what he needs. I'm not even saying I could have handled it if he had left sooner -- I feel like G-d wanted me to have his support through my illness and my mother and brother's death. I just need to vent somewhere about how like, could we have done this a few years ago before my biological clock had gone tick-tock-tuck?!?]

Anyway, it finally feels like the beginning of the end. The mediator and lawyers say this show can be over by July.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Although it hurt to read, I'm glad he finally gave you that letter. It seems like you have found a bit of closure. You are getting stronger very post you make, even on your rough days. Keep on pressing on.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

dontpanic said:


> My latest rant was of a religious/spiritual nature so I placed it here
> 
> The latest is that after I wrote a letter to my STBXH at the beginning of Dec saying that I would be actively pushing for divorce, I waited two months for his response.
> 
> ...


 LOL. I got the vision of Marisa Tomei in that movie My Cousin Vinnie at the end of your post. 

I felt the same as you about my ex. If she was so unhappy why in the world did she wait so long and waste so much of my life to figure it out and now leave me much older and alone. You can't help remembering all the good times though even if they act like none ever existed. Its tough for sure to move on from divorce and none of that helps any. Hang in there and I hope things get better for you soon.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

dontpanic said:


> My latest rant was of a religious/spiritual nature so I placed it here
> 
> The latest is that after I wrote a letter to my STBXH at the beginning of Dec saying that I would be actively pushing for divorce, I waited two months for his response.
> 
> ...


What are you doing to work on you?


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

@BFGuru and @NoWhere - thanks so much for your support. that's why I love TAM

@Conrad
I started EMDR two weeks ago to work on the trauma aspect of things (death of mother/brother & divorce). I am not working (although LOL now that I don't *want* a job, recruiters keep on calling me with open positions) because I am taking some time off and my stbxh can support me financially while I pick up the pieces. I have hired an interior decorator to give my former-marital home a new look. I got him to put all of our "married" furniture in a storage unit because it hurts me to be around it. So I'm gonna be buying new stuff and painting new colors bec for now I have to remain living here.

I am still seeing my therapist and reading a lot of self-help books such as Spiritual Divorce and Uncoupling and Listening to Midlife.

I guess right now I am giving myself some time and space to heal and then I'll go from there.


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