# marriage suggestion



## sweetlady1 (Feb 8, 2010)

how do we get our husband to participate with house duties? he us to do things in our 1st 3 yrs of marriage. We have been married for 12 yrs and its getting worse. he will work for everyone else but its like pulling teeth to help his wife. he feels like if he does something at home he needs to get paid for it (sex) like he makes money for helping friends or his job. Or he will do it when he is ready (weeks or months). he does not put things away after he done with it. I have been telling him the same thing over and over for 12 yrs to do something everyday and he still does not seem to do it (ex: turning the spicket off tight (it drips), flushing the toilet (ugly present inside), leaving dirty clothes where he takes them off, leaving dirty dishes on stove after he cooks himself a meal. I could go on and on. Its like living with a teenage boy. Im not a neat freak by any means but these are just regular things that should be taken care of on a daily basis. Im at my wits end. I leave notes, I fuss, I do it myself and think he sees me doing it and will step in....nothing. It takes me really b****ing and cause an argument to get him to do 1 thing of those things but he doesn't learn from that. Im done...tired or trying...need help with the relationship. Any suggestion?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I did was I told him that I needed him to take ownership of just ONE chore. I didn't care what it was, as long as I didn't have to be responsible for it any more. He refused. So I stopped doing his laundry. When he finally ran out of clean clothes and blew up and accused me of being a bad wife, I just shrugged and said 'Well, you said there was nothing you would or could help me with. I HAD to get rid of _something_ off my plate, and your clothes affected me least of all. So I stopped doing them. So that I could handle all the other work I do to make you a nice home.'

After he denied having that conversation - and I reminded him what restaurant we were at, where we sat, and what he ordered - he got up off the couch and fixed something that had been broken for several months. So I washed his underwear. Then he did some other thing I'd been asking for for years. I washed some shirts. After a while, he stopped acting like it was me against him, as he realized that all the love and praise I showered on him for fixing this or doing that was worth more than just digging in his heels. 

Plus, he got clean underwear. 

That's called a boundary. You need to decide what yours are. If you're going to keep DOING everything, whether he helps or not, why should he bother?


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## JustMe23 (Feb 3, 2010)

We read the book _The Five Love Languages._ It helped us a lot. I feel loved when I get help around the house and little gifts frequently. He feels love by physical touch. Things have gone a lot smoother since we started expressing our love to each other in ways that each of us values. 

When we didn't understand these things, life was hell for me, and probably him too. We learned a lot of great things in marriage counseling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustMe23 said:


> We read the book _The Five Love Languages._ It helped us a lot. I feel loved when I get help around the house and little gifts frequently. He feels love by physical touch. Things have gone a lot smoother since we started expressing our love to each other in ways that each of us values.
> 
> When we didn't understand these things, life was hell for me, and probably him too.


So true!


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