# Unsure what to do



## Roseyone (Dec 31, 2011)

I have been married for 14 years. My husband and I have 4 beautiful children. We got married when we were pretty young, I was 20 and expecting our first child. My husband always worked hard and I always supported him. I also worked but based my life primarily around the kids and their schedules because he was in management which is not so forgiving on schedules. 
At about year 7 of our marriage things began to wane, I was always concerned with money and finances and he never was. He began speaking to another woman frequently and heading out to drinks after work often. To say the least this was devastating to me even though I believe he did no wrong, he did confide in her and I felt broken after all was said and done. I should also mention that our entire marriage he was pretty free to do what he wanted. He would drink and party all the time while I was watching the kids at home. He would often drive home drunk and actually got a DUI at one point, costing us thousands of dollars. So, yes, I would be mad. I would constantly worry if he was alive, coming home or whatever.

After several years and this woman, a promotion came up for him to move elsewhere. I didn't want to move as we own a house and I felt it was important for our kids to stay in their school with their friends. It was 100 miles away. I was also pretty over his partying, drinking and probably still hurt about the other woman so I said he should go and we'd make it work 
(he'd come home every weekend). We did for awhile, then he began hitting clubs and bars nightly (spending thousands of dollars, I might add) where he was and started to not come home every weekend. Found out he had become friends with another coworker woman and texts were non-stop. 

I was about over it and then found out I was pregnant with our 4th child. He became distant and horrible. I was pretty much alone with 3 kids and pregnant. I was unable to pay the mortgage because we had no money, all went to credit cards and his flying school debt and his partying. I should also mention that throughout all of the years we would fight often, usually when he was drunk. A bottle of jack a night, or two bottles of wine a night is the norm. Anyway, once I had our baby, he decided to come home and I of course thought it would be better for the kids. 
We have been together for awhile, but I don't really feel much for him anymore. He began drinking heavily again, we went through bankruptcy and recently we had another big fight. 

I went over to our mutual friends house, Marg, for dinner with my daughter (2). When I got home he decided to say horrible things about me in front of our children(none of which were true, he was just trying be be cruel), I've learned to block it out because I don't want to fight in front of the kids. A few nights later I went out again at the request of his sister, whom needed company for the night. Her husband just left her for another woman. We had a nice dinner and one drink. When I got home he started yelling at me, asking me what is going on with his sister, I said why don't you call and ask?, He started calling me a [email protected]%!% C%%@ and saying that his sister was a ***** and she deserved it. Told me to get the [email protected]^# out of his house, which by the way I just got back from being in foreclosure, he did nothing. I also helped to pay the mortgage and all the bills, while taking care of 4 kids, a house and a yard. He did nothing but work from home. Anyway, he did all of this in front of our kids, yet again and I swore that if he did it again I would leave, so I did. I went to the bank, got out the money I put in for the mortgage, (he overdraft it anyway so it didn't get paid), and I went to my mothers. She lives one house away. She can hear when we fight and she wants me to get a divorce. 

I feel I have always been taking care of the kids, house, trying to keep ahold of the finances, which was impossible with him around) while he's been playing and having a blast, albeit working too. He has a major problem with financial responsibility and one month after our bankruptcy went and got another credit card! Said I should do the same. I didn't want one. So now I've been at my moms for 10 days. I have nothing to say to him. He apologized 2 days later and asked me to come home. I declined. Spoke to him 5 days later and he said take all the time I need to think about it. 3 days later he barrages me with how horrible I am for leaving him and the kids(the kids are free to come and go as they please, My 11 year old boy stays with me because I think he understands more of why I'm here). I'm tearing the family apart and so on. The kids can walk literally one house away to see each other, me or him. I want out! I feel terrible for the kids though. Am I being a bad person? Obviously, there is a lot missing but just tried to hit the big points. So frustrated!!!


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## Roseyone (Dec 31, 2011)

Really wishing someone could give me an idea of if I've just been stupid or need to stick through it for the sake of the kids. I am feeling really lost and would like to start living again, whether it be full steam ahead alone or by working it out. After the first close woman friend he had, I suggested MC and he would not go. I went alone and felt so much better after just one session. I have the feeling I am plagued with low self esteem.  I suggested MC again this time and he agreed, but then told me our insurance doesn't cover it. We can't afford to see one on our own. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

The decision to seperate/divorce has to be yours (or his if he left). You have to decide if you are living the way you want to live. Is this the situation you want you and your children in? 

Do you think there is hope to save your marriage and everyone be happy? 

Do you want to save your marriage?

As for affording a MC, many places have a sliding scale. 

The MC we just started attending charges $25 per session. Check with a local hospitals. Our local hospital has a local outpatient mental health clinic. They offer a sliding scale plus have a charity program. Check with local churches, many have counselors. 

Try to look at your marriage as if you were on the outside and see how you view things and what your opinions are then.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rosey,

You been a hard working mom and wife and frankly the old saying is true "he doesn't deserve you".

If you want to make it work, then I would demand that as a condition of reconciling that you and he take both marriage counseling, but that also take some personal/anger management counseling.

Here's the picture I have of him: He's been leading the highlife. It's been a big fun party and it sounds like he's found women at work who wanted to party with him.

He did well at work, made good money, got raises and got promoted. He was probably the fun party guy who folks wanted to go out with.

Trouble is - as you rise up the ranks, the bar gets higher and the ability to party goes down. In fact it starts looking very bad on you. 

so now he's finding he's no longer the golden boy, but a bit of a stalled out car.

He's now getting hit the party being over. If he's been at it for years, it may be physically taking it's toll too.

So he comes home and he's nasty to you. He's frustrated with his future prospects and he's blaming you and taking it out on the family.

This is what he needs therapy for - he needs someone to help him grow up and become the man who is a good father/husband - not the party fun guy of the past.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well if you cant afford MC here is my advice.
Make a list of everything you want from him to do and not to do.
Dont make it to hard for him or youll get nowhere.
Give it him and ask him to what he will agree with.
Make sure he realises that he cant go back on it. 
And take it from there.!!


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## Roseyone (Dec 31, 2011)

Thank you all for the responses. I plan on asking him to look into MC a little closer to see if maybe we can get on a sliding scale fee of some sort. While I would love to try to work it out for the kids, his logic is always seems distorted to me, like him blaming me for leaving after being called horrible things in front of my children and even being told to leave. I do think he needs help, especially in the form of some anger management help. Thank you!!!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I wouldn't plan on depending on him to get the MC.... I'd call around, find a cheap one and book it, and then tell him to be there. You've already split from him, take this opportunity to call the shots. If you are done tho.... then just call it done and don't bother with him. It's not like he treated you well all this time and this is a new issue. 

But the kids.... I bet, from their point of view and from the ugly things that dad has said, they have GOT to feel abandoned. Yes, they are next door.... but to them, Mommy left. Period. IF your mom would allow it I'd bring all the kids with me, they do not need to be his audience. It can't be good for them. IF your mom won't allow it (for whatever reason) I'd move back home and serve him with divorce papers...and start figuring out my plan B!


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