# Maybe I wasn't ready



## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

I can admit that dating and marriage was sort of a whirlwind for my husband and I (He is 32 and I'm 26). We started dating just after I ended a very short engagement (from a 3 year relationship). When we started dating, I wasn't looking a for a relationship. I just thought it would be nice to get back into being social. We hit it off, so Instead, I allowed myself to get right back into a relationship.

Things moved quickly with us from the very beginning. I should've been more steadfast in keeping my distance. I was so swept up in having someone return my affections (a major problem in my previous relationship) that I didn't keep my guard up like I should've. We met online in 2009 and talked off and on until 2010. We talked daily on the phone for about 2 months before meeting face-to-face. After that, we dated for 1 year prior to engagement. We were engaged 6 months and married this past summer. We've only been married 4 months. Why do I already want to run?

I'm a poor fit for marriage--I feel. We're both pig-headed, a bit immature. I love him most of the time, but I don't like him and I don't think that he likes me either most of the time. We argue very frequently, mostly over things that have to do with control. He likes to make decisions without me and then insist that I actually had a say. I feel like a child. I am one, I guess. I'm still in graduate school and he is the one working. I was working and going to school, but the course load was so heavy that I couldn't keep up with the additional lab hours outside of class. So now he pays for everything. He even gives me money to spend. I'm grateful for that. I've tried to make things easier on him as well, but he doesn't see the things that I do (domestic stuff) as important. So they don't register for him. I asked him for a list of things that would make him feel appreciated. I thought I could do them and he would feel good and I would feel good and maybe things would improve. Everything is going through the motions already. It's so early. There is no passion in anything anymore. We're too fat and tired for sex. Even when we have it, it's not good. 

We went to premarital counseling and have kept with the same counselor for follow-up sessions. She seems to think that we're doing fine. I just feel so dissatisfied and empty. Is this what my life will be? I am to answer to him for the rest of my life? Selfishly, I want my own space back. I want to make decisions about my life again. I don't care if I have to make due on a shoestring budget. I've done it before and I was happier then. 

We fought last night and then tonight, both my fault of course (according to him, maybe he is right). He is mad at me right now because I won't fight with him. I'm exhausted of fighting over stupid things. I don't care. He can have his way if he will leave me alone. 

I think that I'm too immature for this. I wish I could take it back. I don't know if I should try or not. I guess this is more of a vent than anything, but I don't know where to start. How could it be this way so soon? Is this me being poor at change? Should I just "go along to get along"? Is it always going to be so sad?


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## hubbyfetish (Oct 2, 2012)

I do not think that you are a poor fit for marriage. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. When you find the "one" life will almost be perfect. I say almost perfect because there will always be the little arguements.

It sounds like you rushed back into a relationship after ending the previous engagement. It might have benefited you more to be on your own.

Maybe this one is not the right one. Are you two still going to counseling? 

I do not think that anyone, wether it be the husband or wife, should feel like they are being controlled. When this happens, it should be brought up so that the one that is doing the controlling can learn from their better half the things that they do that make the person feel like they are being controlled. MC could be the place to bring these topics up. In your situation, I guess this could very well make him angry when you bring things up, that is why I say MC would be a good place to bring them up.

It could be this way so soon....just because this is the way he is. I do not feel that you should just "go alone to get along". You both should be happy, from the sounds of it that is not the case...well he is happy when things go his way and his way only. Maybe he is the one that is not "fit for marriage"?


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond hubbyfetish.

We are still going to counseling, but we only go once per month now (cut back from 2x per month before the wedding). I feel alone most of the time. He says that I get my way most of the time. I don't feel that way, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't suppose people easily realize their privileges. 

It just really seems that everything is about him. This house is his and it took our counselor telling him to let me change things in order for me to alter a single thing. Everything beyond that was done as an act of defiance because he still won't relinquish control. He has specific dietary preferences, so every meal is about him. I'm not used to cooking the way that he eats. I try, but he typically criticizes. Whenever I have a recipe that works out, he has to "take it" and then it becomes something that only he can cook. I used to really enjoy cooking. Now I don't care if I ever do it again.

Events revolve around his family. I'd say that my family is close, but we don't require each others' presence on a weekly basis. We spend most free evenings doing something with his family, or sitting on the couch.

Sex of course revolves around him. He can never just be near me without sexual gratification as a motive. He never wants to engage in anything that I like, only things that he enjoys. I've told him that I want to enjoy intimacy too. Suddenly we have a lot less sex. 

I don't really want to be a wife anymore. I fantasize about being single and running away from here, but we're both from religions that do not support divorce. I can see this leading somewhere awful, I just don't know where yet.


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## Charlotte StJohn (Oct 12, 2012)

I understand as I just got married and relocated to another state to live with my husband and father 2 months ago. He brings up issues and is jealous of his father because he sits at the head of the table for dinner. I think all is ok until out of the blue he mentions the same issues over and over. I love him and married him and do not want to fail at this marriage. I feel empty and am unhappy most of the time. I know this doesnt help you but maybe with time and work, we will both be in a better marriage.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

MrsM:

Since you are in school, I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you seek out their student services and get some INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING on a weekly basis. It should be available free/low-cost to students.

It *IS* hard for us to tell whether your H is unreasonable or your expectations are unreasonable, since we only have YOUR point-of-view. So far, you don't seem unreasonable to me! A counselor OF YOUR OWN will help YOU understand yourself and your relationship better. These sessions could also help you be more constructive in stating what you're feeling/missing in the relationship when you and H go to marital counseling. You seem pretty unhappy for a 4-month newlywed! 

Everybody's religion discourages/forbids divorce. That is a given. I'm not saying you should get one, but part of being a grown-up is deciding WHAT *YOU* BELIEVE. Do you believe that EVERYTHING your religion espouses is 100% correct and is to be believed and followed unquestioningly? If so, there is your answer; follow your religion. If you believe that your religion is an attempt by imperfect humans to approximate God's requirements, then does that mean you are free to exercise your own free will or best judgement? If so, there is your answer. IF you belong to your religion MERELY BECAUSE it is family tradition, then do you feel at all bound by strictures with which you don't agree? If not, then there is your answer. 

You need to do some thinking on your own about what you REQUIRE FOR a happy/fulfilling life. Is your marriage giving you that? Is there a pretty good chance your marriage COULD/WILL give you that with some assistance? Is it likely your marriage will NOT be changing in any way that is meaningful for you?

Get a counselor/therapist and work out what you need. Get a clear picture of what you require from yourself, your marriage, your family, your religion.


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