# It's almost over - where will I go from there?



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Hi. I am so glad I discovered these forums, the last few months have been the most difficult of my life. This year, I went from feeling I was in a happy marriage to being cheated on, recovering (poorly) from the infidelity, being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts as a result of being cheated on, wife leaving me while I was in the hospital, hanging on while she 'found herself' and now in the final stages before I am officially divorced.

To be honest, I'm scared. All I have ever known was my wife - I married my first girlfriend! Now, I am in my early thirties and I can't help but feel undesireable, insecure and simply lost. My world has been turned upside down in such a short period of time. I still have a great deal of love for my wife, but at the same time, I hate her for treating me like I'm completely disposable and for accepting no blame for anything that has transpired. I forgave her for everything and I own all of my shortcomings in our marriage. I don't carry those burdens anymore, but I can't help but wonder what to do next. Any advice for someone who is still in love but has had their heart destroyed by the one person they never thought could do such a thing? How can I ever trust anyone again?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Clawed said:


> Hi. I am so glad I discovered these forums, the last few months have been the most difficult of my life. This year, I went from feeling I was in a happy marriage to being cheated on, recovering (poorly) from the infidelity, being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts as a result of being cheated on, wife leaving me while I was in the hospital, hanging on while she 'found herself' and now in the final stages before I am officially divorced.
> 
> To be honest, I'm scared. All I have ever known was my wife - I married my first girlfriend! Now, I am in my early thirties and I can't help but feel undesireable, insecure and simply lost. My world has been turned upside down in such a short period of time. I still have a great deal of love for my wife, but at the same time, I hate her for treating me like I'm completely disposable and for accepting no blame for anything that has transpired. I forgave her for everything and I own all of my shortcomings in our marriage. I don't carry those burdens anymore, but I can't help but wonder what to do next. Any advice for someone who is still in love but has had their heart destroyed by the one person they never thought could do such a thing? How can I ever trust anyone again?



First I want to say I am sorry this has happened to you.
Time will heal. I promise! There are some amazing people that will be here to help you. Right now you absolutely must force yourself to start taking better care of yourself. Again. wait for the solid advice to come from others that know exactly how you feel. You are not alone here.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> First I want to say I am sorry this has happened to you.
> Time will heal. I promise! There are some amazing people that will be here to help you. Right now you absolutely must force yourself to start taking better care of yourself. Again. wait for the solid advice to come from others that know exactly how you feel. You are not alone here.


Thank you ~ you are definitely right about taking the time to take care of myself. I finally got on the proper meds so I don't have the depression I used to as a result of all this. I also started going to the gym since right after I found out about the affair (obviously this made me feel like I was not physically attractive enough - but I used to feel like I was to the only person whose opinion mattered to me).


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Clawed said:


> Hi. I am so glad I discovered these forums, the last few months have been the most difficult of my life. This year, I went from feeling I was in a happy marriage to being cheated on, recovering (poorly) from the infidelity, being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts as a result of being cheated on, wife leaving me while I was in the hospital, hanging on while she 'found herself' and now in the final stages before I am officially divorced.
> 
> To be honest, I'm scared. All I have ever known was my wife - I married my first girlfriend! Now, I am in my early thirties and I can't help but feel undesireable, insecure and simply lost. My world has been turned upside down in such a short period of time. I still have a great deal of love for my wife, but at the same time, I hate her for treating me like I'm completely disposable and for accepting no blame for anything that has transpired. I forgave her for everything and I own all of my shortcomings in our marriage. I don't carry those burdens anymore, but I can't help but wonder what to do next. Any advice for someone who is still in love but has had their heart destroyed by the one person they never thought could do such a thing? How can I ever trust anyone again?


It is like a death when this happens to you. You need to mourn the death, but just like the closure of a funeral, you must understand the person you loved does not exist any longer. You are still in love, but that person is gone. That person never existed in reality. If the person you thought you knew had existed than you wouldn't be in this situation. She was more selfish and mean then you ever thought was possible. You may have forgiven her but don't forget to forgive yourself for falling in love with a bad person. Her leaving you in the hospital, the cheating, those actions define her character.
You will be better for the next chapter in your life. I highly recommend some counseling time as this will help keep you focused and on the right path. Continue to work out and get your body and mind in shape. Time will help but it does not cure. The only cure is the actions you put in place to not allow this horrible event to define you as a person. Do not allow her back in your life. Remove all traces of her, facebook, her number in your phone, all of it. Disconnect from friends you share. Make new ones. All the reminders of her are reminders of a dead person. To move on you must remove the triggers that cause you pain at every turn.
I am in no way an expert, these are just my opinions, but I think they are sound advice. I do think a counselor is your best bet though.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> It is like a death when this happens to you. You need to mourn the death, but just like the closure of a funeral, you must understand the person you loved does not exist any longer. You are still in love, but that person is gone. That person never existed in reality. If the person you thought you knew had existed than you wouldn't be in this situation. She was more selfish and mean then you ever thought was possible. You may have forgiven her but don't forget to forgive yourself for falling in love with a bad person. Her leaving you in the hospital, the cheating, those actions define her character.
> You will be better for the next chapter in your life. I highly recommend some counseling time as this will help keep you focused and on the right path. Continue to work out and get your body and mind in shape. Time will help but it does not cure. The only cure is the actions you put in place to not allow this horrible event to define you as a person. Do not allow her back in your life. Remove all traces of her, facebook, her number in your phone, all of it. Disconnect from friends you share. Make new ones. All the reminders of her are reminders of a dead person. To move on you must remove the triggers that cause you pain at every turn.
> I am in no way an expert, these are just my opinions, but I think they are sound advice. I do think a counselor is your best bet though.


It's funny, but that is exactly how I describe this situation to other people - as a death. I have even said that I would rather she died. At least then I would have fonder memories of her instead of seeing her as this ruthless human being who has made me the enemy after 9 years of marriage. 

Honestly, I would have ZERO ties with her but we do have a 7 y/o son, whom we both love deeply. The good news is we will have 50/50 custody. The problem with this is I have to still see her almost every day with the exchange, and that makes things kind of hard on me. This might sound kind of shallow, but she is just so gorgeous that merely seeing her makes my heart break over and over again. The reality I need to grasp is that - exactly as you said - that person I fell in love with no longer exists, maybe she never really did. Within her beautiful exterior lies a cold heart.

Anyway, thank you. Great advice, I'm always appreciative of that when I am here. Hoping that as I go through this I can be of help to others as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I hope you are getting treatment for your suicidal behaviors/tendencies. That is no joke. 

Are you on mediation or seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist? 

The divorce--is going to sting for awhile, since you were the one on the receiving end.

Just know... it is better to be alone than with someone who does NOT want to be with you. 

Time is the key. There is no magic pill.

With each passing day, it gets better.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Clawed said:


> *I still have a great deal of love for my wife, *but at the same time, I hate her for treating me like I'm completely disposable and for accepting no blame for anything that has transpired. I forgave her for everything and I own all of my shortcomings in our marriage.


This is something that often trips us up in our healing. I think it would be helpful for you to look at this -- Why do you still have a great deal of love for her? After everything that she has done, what is lovable about her? 

Look at her with a new vision, not through the filter of the past you shared. That's _not_ who she is now. Work on actively killing that love you still have because it's hurting you. It's an attachment to someone who is harmful to you. Someone worth your love would not treat you the way she has. 

The first one you must love is yourself. Look out for your physical self, and your emotional self. I agree with NGNG -- counseling may be a great help for you, especially since you've already dealt with being suicidal. There are very good therapies that can help you develop _healthy_ coping skills that you can use when things get overwhelming. I emphasize 'healthy' because we all tend to develop coping skills of one type or another, but oftentimes, without guidance, they are actually harmful (drinking or isolation, as examples). 

I'm sorry you are in this situation, Clawed. It's certainly one of the most painful things that can happen to someone. 

Trust is a tough one. There's no easy formula or timetable. The only thing I would emphasize is learning about yourself, and becoming a more whole person on your own before you think about ever getting into another relationship. The worst thing to do is to get into one out of a place of need -- the need to feel loved or to feel attractive to someone. 

NGNG's recommendations are spot on. Even though she was your first relationship, you were a person before her, and you're a person now. Develop that person. It's never too late! (and I speak from experience here  ) Start looking at your life, and find those things that you wanted to do or places you wanted to go, or things you wanted to try, that you couldn't because of your relationship. And then, go do those things. Even if it's eating at a restaurant that she wouldn't want to try. Everything you do that establishes *you* will help you get to the other side. 

Keep posting. We're here to help.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> This is something that often trips us up in our healing. I think it would be helpful for you to look at this -- Why do you still have a great deal of love for her? After everything that she has done, what is lovable about her?
> 
> Look at her with a new vision, not through the filter of the past you shared. That's _not_ who she is now. Work on actively killing that love you still have because it's hurting you. It's an attachment to someone who is harmful to you. Someone worth your love would not treat you the way she has.
> 
> ...


First off, I definitely got the help I needed while I was hospitalised. My wife left the same day I went in, and she called me a couple of days later to tell me she was moving out. I'm guessing she did this because she knew I was in a safe place where I was getting help and I couldn't hurt myself.

It was the kick in the teeth I needed to realize she was not worth it and that I could make it without her... because what other choice did I have? They got me on the proper meds and I came out with a self written action plan and I was already set up with a counseler and a psychiatrist. It's been almost 3 and a half months and I am stable and thriving. That's about the biggest accomplishment of my life thus far. I am being 100% honest when I say I never thought I had enough strength to endure infidelity, separation and now divorce from the love of my life. That was part of the problem and continues to be - I made her everything. Thankfully, she has been ice cold to me ever since she left and has not flip-flopped at all, so it's been relatively easy (all things considered) to let her go. I don't deserve to be treated the way she has treated me. And you're right, she is not lovable at all right now - I'm in love with her former self, who is long gone. 

I am trying to make some new friends and keep myself busy so I don't fall into pining for the past or what could have been. I have even been toying with the idea of starting an infidelity support group since I know I could have used one when I was going through that torture. I might even go back to school to get the education I need to be more qualified to give counsel. Part of me is excited to start a new life, but there is still a part of me that is terrified by the unknown and having a big question mark future.

Thank you for your input!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Coming back from the bottom like that *is* truly a huge accomplishment, and I hope you know that that is a testament to your inner strength. Many times, we tell ourselves that we could 'never' deal with such and such thing happening. And then we have to. And you are dealing with it -- good for you!!! 

Reaching out to others is fantastic, and fear of the unknown is just par for the course at this point. Keep pushing yourself to do those very things you're afraid of. Don't forget what you've already come through, and let that make you feel stronger. You are stronger!


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Coming back from the bottom like that *is* truly a huge accomplishment, and I hope you know that that is a testament to your inner strength. Many times, we tell ourselves that we could 'never' deal with such and such thing happening. And then we have to. And you are dealing with it -- good for you!!!
> 
> Reaching out to others is fantastic, and fear of the unknown is just par for the course at this point. Keep pushing yourself to do those very things you're afraid of. Don't forget what you've already come through, and let that make you feel stronger. You are stronger!


Yeah, honestly, I am in an okay place. I feel so much better about myself than when I was dealing with just the infidelity. That caused so much emotional pain, and I loathed myself AND my wife at that point. I was in a dark place. But absolutely NO ONE is worth me feeling that kind of pain for. I can definitely see that now. I wish she would have just told me she wanted a divorce than her putting me through the pain of infidelity and THEN wanting to divorce me. Could've saved time and a lot of gut wrenching hurt from betrayal.

Every day she found a new way to hurt me and it still continues. I keep wondering how I can still be hung up on someone who could do this to someone else - especially someone she used to love more than anything in this world. I'll never understand, but I am finding out it's not even worth the effort I put into trying to wrap my head around everything. I just need to let it go, because it doesn't matter. She is gone and wants as little as possible to do with me, end of story. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will value me more than my wife ever could. Until then, I have to live my life for myself and my son, who really needs me to be strong through this.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You and I have quite a bit in common. I too am in my early 30s. I too married the first girl I really got to know. I too made her everything in my life.

I can't say with certainty that my wife cheated on me, but she did worse. She suddenly aborted our wanted baby against my wish. Over the years, she walked out on our marriage 3 times and every single time I went through hell. 

Most of my story since last year is captured in a long but interesting thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/43925-i-should-just-divorce-her.html

We're separated once again (mutual choice) and I'm grieving the loss of my marriage and also my much anticipated baby. 

I just wanted to tell you to feel free to PM me whenever you need to talk to someone in a somewhat similar situation. I too have had suicidal thought, though, never really entertained them. I'm too much of a goof to take myself so seriously.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

synthetic said:


> You and I have quite a bit in common. I too am in my early 30s. I too married the first girl I really got to know. I too made her everything in my life.
> 
> I can't say with certainty that my wife cheated on me, but she did worse. She suddenly aborted our wanted baby against my wish. Over the years, she walked out on our marriage 3 times and every single time I went through hell.
> 
> ...


Holy crap, man I am so sorry to hear that. That is freakin' terrible! When I hear about stories like this, I often wonder if there is any hope left for humanity. It's almost impossible to understand what makes people make the decisions that they do. I mean, just how selfish do you have to be to do that? The same goes for cheaters - do they really care so little about destroying peoples' lives? People that really care about them? I still do not know why my wife turned on me, but I loved her more than anything else and would have given my life for her or my son. It was no secret to anyone who knew us how much I care about her. Even though she has put me through hell, I still do. That is what true love is... not calling it quits because things get a little tough. Don't get me wrong, I was far from perfect, but I really put a lot into our relationship, and I was always there for her when she needed me. 

I guess all that we can do is realize that not everyone can cut being married. That the people that have wronged us are evidently not the people we thought we married and would have done anything for. And like I said, it's not that we were perfect, but we were willing to do what it took to create a successful and long lasting relationship that could weather the storms.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Clawed said:


> Holy crap, man I am so sorry to hear that. That is freakin' terrible! When I hear about stories like this, I often wonder if there is any hope left for humanity. It's almost impossible to understand what makes people make the decisions that they do. I mean, just how selfish do you have to be to do that? The same goes for cheaters - do they really care so little about destroying peoples' lives? People that really care about them? I still do not know why my wife turned on me, but I loved her more than anything else and would have given my life for her or my son. It was no secret to anyone who knew us how much I care about her. Even though she has put me through hell, I still do. That is what true love is... not calling it quits because things get a little tough. Don't get me wrong, I was far from perfect, but I really put a lot into our relationship, and I was always there for her when she needed me.
> 
> I guess all that we can do is realize that not everyone can cut being married. That the people that have wronged us are evidently not the people we thought we married and would have done anything for. And like I said, it's not that we were perfect, but we were willing to do what it took to create a successful and long lasting relationship that could weather the storms.


From De Mello ( I read this every couple days to give myself the 2x4 treatment):

*So if you stop to think, you would see that there’s nothing to be very proud of after 
all. What does this do to your relationship with people? What are you complaining about? 
A young man came to complain that his girlfriend had let him down, that she had played 
false. What are you complaining about? Did you expect any better? Expect the worst, 
you’re dealing with selfish people. You’re the idiot—you glorified her, didn’t you? You 
thought she was a princess, you thought people were nice. They’re not! They’re not nice. 
They’re as bad as you are—bad, you understand? They’re asleep like you. And what do 
you think they are going to seek? Their own self-interest, exactly like you. No difference.
Can you imagine how liberating it is that you’ll never be disillusioned again, never be 
disappointed again? You’ll never feel let down again. Never feel rejected. Want to wake up?
You want happiness? You want freedom? Here it is: Drop your false ideas. See 
through people. If you see through yourself, you will see through everyone. Then you 
will love them. Otherwise you spend the whole time grappling with your wrong notions 
of them, with your illusions that are constantly crashing against reality.*

Should be required reading...

http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> From De Mello ( I read this every couple days to give myself the 2x4 treatment):
> 
> *So if you stop to think, you would see that there’s nothing to be very proud of after
> all. What does this do to your relationship with people? What are you complaining about?
> ...


That is harsh, but good. It's sad, but true. That's just it, we lift some people up on a pedestal and fail to realize that they are not necessarily any better than anyone else. You want to believe that there is no way that the person you married could ever betray you, ever disregard their marriage vows - but the sad reality is that anyone is capable of that given the right circumstances. So the people that fall the hardest are those that put EVERYTHING into that other person. So much so that they lose themselves in the process and can't stand on their own when things go horribly wrong. That was ME! 

_was _me... not so much anymore


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Clawed,

Sorry you are in this situation. Working on yourself is amazingly theraputic. If you can afford it, I started getting my hair done by a stylist and whitened my teeth to go along with the exercise and counseling. You'll be very happy with the new you, trust me, I look great.

Let me tell you one thing, you are going to be very pleasantly surprised about how much easier it is to meet women when you are ready. It is pretty damn exciting buddy.

Keep focusing on yourself, it is going to be painful but you can thrive!

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

You are absolutely right Stretch! I don't believe there is anything wrong with being the best you that you can possibly be. Going to the gym has helped me so much, it makes me feel better about myself even though I am far from looking like some of the other guys who live at the gym. I also LOVE clothes shopping much more than your typical guy- and that helps too.

It's great to hear you are working on yourself to boost the old self-esteem. I am guessing you have been through something similar?

I am really nervous about meeting someone again. I never had to go through that whole thing since I met my wife so early in life. It's scary, but a part of me really thinks there might be someone out there for me. I am a much more complete person now, because I have had to take a hard look at myself and make the changes needed to deal with this incredibly difficult life situation. I am definitely stronger for it


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Meetups.com is a great place to meet people without the pressure of it being a date. Check it out if you can.

I just passed on year separated and the final wedding anniversary as a married man the first week of August. wayWasn't great but it was not as bad as 2012. I am timing my D for the beginning of 20134 to limit my tax burden.

My WAW said she was not happy after 22 years of marriage. Whatever, I did not even care if there was someone else because after being devastated to my core struggling with the same emotional stress you have confronted, I eventually came to understand she was not worthy of my love nor the support I had given over two decades. Thank God for a growing faith and the caring people that were there for me when I though I would explode. I still have a lot of healing to do but that will come with time, the D, being able to express my anger in a constructive way and ALWAYS working on ME. 

I took a chance on dating two months after separation and I do not have any regrets. Just be protective of yourself.

I have a very fun woman in my life and I am continuing to develop the indepedent me at the same time.

Keep working on yourself,
Stretch


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