# Is vulnerability in a woman closely related to your attraction to her?



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

I am reading a blog about vulnerability in women and how it relates to femininity and attraction. It talks about being authentically expressive and vulnerable, as a women and how it is a very attractive thing to men. 

She stated things such as, freely showing emotions, not being afraid to admit we might be feeling out of control, crying openly, admitting we need help, even showing anger, yelling, (not crossing the line into being abusive or psychotic, etc..) all as being expressive and authentic to who we are at that moment.
As a result, we can be seen as our genuine selves, present, vulnerable and open in the moment (feminine,) as opposed to being more closed off or protecting ourselves with a tough facade. 

It made sense to me but at the same time, confused me a little. 

I have always been under the impression that it would be more attractive to be totally IN control of our emotions and of ourselves. Those are things many of us learned growing up..(ex: never let them see you sweat..)

My husband has surprised me before when he says how sexy I am after I yell about something that makes me all amped up or after I cry my eyes out over something that I was upset about. 
I've always thought he was just messing with me because I am never feeling at my 'best' in these scenarios. 

Sometimes I am embarrassed for allowing myself to get 'out of control.' 
I know I am certainly not feeling sexy AT ALL in those moments..quite the opposite actually. 

So, if we try to firmly contain our stronger emotions, does that mean that we are not allowing ourselves to be as vulnerable, or by extension, as sexy/attractive?
How true is it that men see a vulnerable woman, willing to fully express herself, as sexy/attractive?
What are your honest thoughts/feelings on this?

Thank you!


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

*as a woman


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

That this applies to all men sounds like a load of crap to me.

I think weak men like weak partners that they want to dominate but real men, and more importantly, intelligent men want real women who are true partners. The second a woman gets irrational and out of control, there are men that probably like to step in and pat her on the head and calm her down. To them, it makes them feel manly. But that is only "some" men. There's a lot of men that want logic and rational partners who are grown women in control of themselves.

I'm definitely not an emotional or irrational female stereotype. I can do everything I need to do in my life without needing a man to do something or get something for me. My husband LOVES that.

He's equally as capable as I am. He's amazing and can handle anything thrown at him. But for both of us, its wonderful to have someone who thinks like me and has my back at all times. If I have a lapse or forget something, my husband always picks up any slack and that's the same role I provide to him.

The beauty of our relationship is that we are truly greater than the sum of our parts. We are both strong, capable people on our own but when we're together, we're able to accomplish things that I'm amazed at. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was attracted to me when I was being weak and foolish. I want someone who loves me for who I truly am and expected more from me.

In my opinion, a partnership is only as great as its weakest link and I'm not interested in being the weakest link. My husband deserves way better than that and so do I.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

I think it depends on what your spouse looks for in their partner. But for myself I want my wife to be true to herself and show what her emotions or feelings are. I think a nice balance is the key. If she has moments that make her cry or angry and its a real emotion for her sure its nice to know she can be like that in front of me and share that. If it was a 24/7 showing then I can see where it would lose its impact or desire.

I don't think you can say its only sexy if a woman is strong and holds her emotions or that she is a basket case over every hallmark commercial either. I find my wife sexy and intriguing when at times she is full of fire and rage to a degree but also if she get teary over the end of Marley and Me ha.

What I would find unsexy if she was holding back or acting in a way that she didn't want to be as a result of what she thinks I would want or desire.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The vulnerability is there, regardless of whether a person expresses it. The expression of that vulnerability is something that comes with trust in a relationship.

Being vulnerable doesn't mean being out of control or weak. A woman can be completely in control of herself and her life, but it doesn't mean she's a robot. Being able to express her emotional side to her husband indicates she trusts him.

And yes, it's attractive (to me at least) for my wife to be emotionally open and honest. I don't necessarily equate it with femininity--just with being honest.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

karma*girl said:


> I have always been under the impression that it would be more attractive to be totally IN control of our emotions and of ourselves. Those are things many of us learned growing up..(ex: never let them see you sweat..)...
> 
> Sometimes I am embarrassed for allowing myself to get 'out of control.'


My thoughts are similar to yours here. I like calm, serenity. A woman (or anyone) out of control or having an emotional outburst makes me uncomfortable and increases my stress, even if the outburst isn't directed at me.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

I never really thought of vulnerability as showing emotion. I think of it more in an intimate or sexual way. The intimate vulnerability is what I like the most. I don't think I hold my emotions when I'm around others vs my husband so I don't look at it as being vulnerable. I don't get intimate with everyone nor let anyone else see me nude so I consider those moments to be moments of vulnerability.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

cmc said:


> I never really thought of vulnerability as showing emotion. I think of it more in an intimate or sexual way. The intimate vulnerability is what I like the most. I don't think I hold my emotions when I'm around others vs my husband so I don't look at it as being vulnerable. I don't get intimate with everyone nor let anyone else see me nude so I consider those moments to be moments of vulnerability.


In my mind, vulnerability is any time where you're trusting someone with information or a situation where they could potentially hurt you with it. 

Getting naked in front of someone certainly qualifies for that--as does revealing uncomfortable emotions, or history about yourself.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> In my mind, vulnerability is any time where you're trusting someone with information or a situation where they could potentially hurt you with it.
> 
> Getting naked in front of someone certainly qualifies for that--as does revealing uncomfortable emotions, or history about yourself.


That is true. There are emotions I share with my husband that I wouldn't share with other people which would put in a vulnerable state. Being emotional after watching a sad movie, I would not consider vulnerability. I would say sharing personal emotions or history would be something couples would share with each other and not specifically a female trait.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

karma girl...have you read The Surrendered Wife? It is kind of like what you are describing, but also a bit like what you said about being in control of your emotions. The SW book encourages women to really step out of their husband's way and stop trying to do his job for him. Stop bossing him, let him lead. Stuff like that. For many women, doing this puts them in a vulnerable position. Some women feel they need to step in and tell their husband what to do or she won't get what she wants done (including both household stuff and emotional stuff). Also many women have the tendency to "mom" their husbands, and yet that creates a lack of attraction on both sides. So the SW book definitely encourages women to see their husband as a man NOT as a child nor as a subordinate. For some women, this does take a leap of faith and a whole lot of vulnerable feelings come up....which then, like you are describing, the husband finds alluring and feminine. For her to hand over her faith in him and step back out of his way and know he will take care of her and lead...quite difficult for some women.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> How true is it that men see a vulnerable woman, willing to fully express herself, as sexy/attractive?


Vulnerability can be a good thing in the right context, leading to understanding and intimacy. It can also be an absolute disaster in the wrong context, leading to embarrassment or even harm.

So your answer is: it depends on the man. Some men want to "fix" or "rescue" women who are inappropriately vulnerable. This is unhealthy.

A more mature wo/man looks for a partner who chooses to express themselves appropriately. In this context, vulnerability can be healthy.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

karma*girl said:


> I am reading a blog about vulnerability in women and how it relates to femininity and attraction. It talks about being authentically expressive and vulnerable, as a women and how it is a very attractive thing to men.


I imagine many men want to provide the role of protector and caregiver. When a woman expresses weakness or vulnerability, it gives a man a chance to rush in and protect her, rescue her, and make her feel safe. That is empowering.



> My husband has surprised me before when he says how sexy I am after I yell about something that makes me all amped up or after I cry my eyes out over something that I was upset about.


Emotions like rage or frustration are closely related to passion. When you express yourself freely, you are being emotionally passionate, and that is sexy. Women who are cold, closed up, and completely collected at all times are unappealing to me. Maybe they feel like they "have it together," but it does not motivate me to want to get to know them better.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think for me it has to be a balance. I love femininity. Dresses, long hair, make-up, soft tone, and yes emotions. So I don't want a female version of me to be in a relationship with since I have been described often as "very male". I like and celebrate the difference between male and female.

That said I can't stand a woman who has zero control of her emotions. A lack of understanding of themselves generally gets applied to all areas of their life. So very often I have seen emotions used as a weapon to manipulate to the point I am a bit numb to it now. In my current realtionship crying is so seldom that when it occurs I pay attention because I know **** must be serious. In other relationships the inability to find a parking space causes crying....no thanks.

I have had several types of relationships ranging from vanilla to D/s. What I am most comfortable with is a girly girly type that has a grip on her emotional IQ.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Vulnerability, yes. 

Weakness, no.

Ugh.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I like openness in women, but I also like strength. I like to feel WANTED, not NEEDED.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've always felt the freedom and acceptance to be vulnerable with my husband....in this he has seen my *sensitive side*.. .. take that away... would he still have fallen in love with me ...I'm going to say NO.. 

It's a very deep and enriching part of who I am...if he felt I was "closed" off from him....knowing him as I do.. it would affect his "coming to me"... as he feels more "invited , wanted" with my showing vulnerability.. 

I spoke of this in 2 of my older threads.. my Vulnerability thread...and my Transparency thread.. 

He is definitely one who wants my authentic self.. we can have a good fight... then laugh rolling on the floor over it - sometimes right in the middle..... we'd never take some of those moments back !!

If you've never seen this 20 minute eye opening video on this subject....please take a moment >>Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

I will give an outline to what is discussed taken from my thread...



> No woman has studied the subject of *Connection */ *Shame */ *Vulnerability *more than Brene Brown. She originally set out to prove "Vulnerability" is nothing but WEAKNESS - betrayal even! Her aim was to trample it . What she came to learn was such a struggle for her, this Therapist had to see a Therapist! :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

marduk said:


> Vulnerability, yes.
> 
> Weakness, no.
> 
> Ugh.


Yes, I think there has to be a balance. I think my husband likes my vulnerability but not to the point of being a basket case. When he's gone at work (24 hour shifts, sometimes longer) he needs to be secure that things are handled at home. His job can be dangerous at times and I don't want him distracted with any problems at home.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I recently discovered and was reading the exact same blog. Just a funny coincidence. Even though I'm a woman I think that her message is true. I have never had trouble attracting men (except when I was suuuuuper shy in high school) but in college and early twenties it was never an issue for me. I couldn't quite understand why but I'm glad I read some of the articles in the blog because it helps me understand a little more about men and will help me give advice to my daughters. 

Now a lot of her messages can sound cold and be interpreted the wrong way so I'm sure you will see people saying that this viewpoint is untrue.

However when she says "vulnerable" she means "authentic." Women are naturally more vulnerable than men without trying. We are less physically strong and have a lower threshold to emotional pain before we start crying. 

Women today are often encouraged to be just as strong, competent, and tough as men in do many ways. We are encouraged to hide our feelings so we don't seem dramatic as well. 

I think that men in general will not feel as inclined to love and protect a woman who has it all together without his support. Some men really like very independent women, yes, but I think most men want to feel needed.

Of course we are not talking about extremes here. Men don't want women that are too high maintenance either. Nonetheless I think they find a lot of our natural feminine qualities attractive and endearing. 

To find the right balance it's simple. Just be authentic. Don't pretend to have it all together if you really don't. Don't play games and pretend to be more vulnerable than you really are either. Just be honest.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> I am reading a blog about vulnerability in women and how it relates to femininity and attraction. It talks about being authentically expressive and vulnerable, as a women and how it is a very attractive thing to men.
> 
> She stated things such as, freely showing emotions, not being afraid to admit we might be feeling out of control, crying openly, admitting we need help, even showing anger, yelling, (not crossing the line into being abusive or psychotic, etc..) all as being expressive and authentic to who we are at that moment.
> As a result, we can be seen as our genuine selves, present, vulnerable and open in the moment (feminine,) as opposed to being more closed off or protecting ourselves with a tough facade.
> ...


Vulnerability and confidence can co-exist. I think vulnerability must be attractive to everyone of both genders. To be more specific, confidence without vulnerability is just arrogance. A complete lack of vulnerability is indifference. I think being vulnerable is a part of intimacy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Well....hmmm .. here is some authentic honesty & vulnerability..... I spent half of the night going through our old Love letters - when I was around age 15- 18 (planning on making a Photo book of our story, looking for some snippets to put on a page)...

>> I was a MESS.... here was a great guy , full of kindness....who stumbled upon a real damsel in distress.. at home I was being emotionally abused by my step mother.... some of the things I found in these letters...pouring out my frustration & ANGER.. how I wanted the hell out .....I called it a "F*** house"....

In one of them ...I was being questioned if I ate an apple... I told her I took an apple to school (I never had lunch $$)...she told me I was to keep my F'n hands off her fruit & how she was going to get a big bag & write this on it.. . she did start putting notes on the fridge -with the F word...(my husband remembers)...

Another she reamed me out for taking a bath... another for drinking out of her cup...I lived in my room.. ..it was very lonely...... I probably had some abandonment issues (my mother took off when I was 10)... I remember feeling all people were UGLY..... I was insecure.. deep down... I just wanted to be loved... Then he walked into my life... honestly.. reading some of these back.. I was a BI*CH sometimes.. I was also needy... Poor man... 

But ya know... he'd still start every letter with "Hi beautiful"... brought tears to my eyes reading them...(but reading mine..I was doing a lot of this >>







...I cringed ...I wouldn't want my own kids to see some of those!

He saw the good in me.. *where I DIDN'T see it in myself*....this struggle was also laid out in some of these letters.... I was hard on myself....

I needed a lot of assurance....it was his consistent LOVE towards me that gave me hope for a better day...this also written out with







...that sincerity I deeply felt.. and expressed to him... 

.. I could look at this in a variety of ways... my husband wasn't a guy women went after.. maybe he only felt he could get a Damsel in distress... I don't know.. .I surely doubt another guy would have wanted to hear all my troubles back then!! I guess I am not one who feels a couple has to have it "all together" to enhance each other's lives.. given our own story... 

We brought A LOT OF good out of some ashes.. one thing that was always there - was this vulnerability - and authenticity....he allowed me to BE ME...to cry on his shoulder, to be ANGRY when I was treated like a piece of dirt at home... he loved me through it all... ...  Because you loved me - Celine Dion 

And we have a beautiful life today....we've given our children a happy home... I can't tell you how much it all means to me... 

Mine is truly a case of "Da**.. you have come a long way Baby!"....


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

karma*girl said:


> So, if we try to firmly contain our stronger emotions, does that mean that we are not allowing ourselves to be as vulnerable, or by extension, as sexy/attractive?
> How true is it that men see a vulnerable woman, willing to fully express herself, as sexy/attractive?
> What are your honest thoughts/feelings on this?


What my husband finds attractive is authenticity, expressing a full range of emotions yet preferably in a regulated way... meaning the ability to express in a way that still acknowledges and feels the range of emotions while being able to express in a considered way. He would view this as being more grounded, capable of clear thinking and decision-making, by way of not being tied to and lead by emotions. There's a balance to be found and we're not going to consistently be like that because we're human!

It would still be vulnerable and authentic, perhaps even assertive, now that I think on this. Sometimes I'm this way, sometimes I'm not. Same goes for him. I'm sure just as with many of us there's a range that occurs. It wouldn't be gender specific.

He is not attracted to the damsel in distress. Although he would be there in a heartbeat to protect me if needed. And he accepts that taking care of spiders is part of his role. That aside, he's attracted to my strength, being capable, willingness to try different things, having my own sense of self. Yet he's privy to my vulnerability. What may be attractive to him, isn't just the vulnerability I share with him, but the behavior that follows that he also experiences.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SA I loved reading your post of how you two came together. 

Part of what attracted my husband to me (and you know how we met) was the passion I had for my interests, following the beat of my own drum and sense of independence. I was quite feisty back then. And sometimes, my behavior was cringe-worthy. Not necessarily with hubs, but he experienced it. He's seen it all with me. We have both changed over the years... or maybe it's that part of our selves is now channeled differently. Whatever the case maybe, it's an interesting ride.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

heartsbeating said:


> SA I loved reading your post of how you two came together.
> 
> Part of what attracted my husband to me (and you know how we met) was the passion I had for my interests, following the beat of my own drum and sense of independence. I was quite feisty back then. And sometimes, my behavior was cringe-worthy. Not necessarily with hubs, but he experienced it. He's seen it all with me. We have both changed over the years... or maybe it's that part of our selves is now channeled differently. Whatever the case maybe, it's an interesting ride.


Well he really did want to take me out of that situation... I was only a Damsel in the way I was too young to help myself.. I was under her RULE....I got a job at 16...even then they did little.. I walked there after school & my BF picked me up most nights..... at that point I was paying for my own lunches at school, rarely did I get lunch $$ & she never had snacks in the house, no mayo, no lunch meat, no peanut butter...(again reading this in my letters last night).. I did envy those who had normal families where they could just eat what they wanted out of the darn fridge..if they were hungry.. 

It's not that we were poor either.. she was just MEAN & I got the brunt of it ...it's not something I will ever fully understand.. we get along great today!... she always treated my dad wonderful... 

I wasn't even allowed to touch their cars... so thankfully I had my Husband who taught me to drive, took me to get my test (when I wrecked his car on the way -one of our crazy stories)...it was him & HIS FATHER who helped me find a car, his Dad even loaned me some money.. which I paid him back quickly as I worked.. I appreciated ALL kindness given to me... due to my home life.... I didn't want to take advantage of it. 

I have a big heart for the underdog, I know... due to these experiences. 

My husband definitely would call me feisty....and bubbly when I was happy -like with friends & stuff...I had my outlets... I might have been a Damsel in some ways.. but I'd think nothing of taking a shovel & killing a big snake on the property..... and spiders.. I've spooked our daughter allowing them to crawl on me, she'd run out of the room..... Unless I see an "hour glass" or it's a brown recluse .... haven't yet in my life... All I care about is - "are they poisonous?".. 

This is what our daughter has hanging on her bedroom door right now...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If I ever come to fall in love with a woman, I want to be able to see both their strengths and weaknesses; conversely, it stands to reason that I would like to think that they would want to see mine, just as much!

Knowing as much as I can know about them, is what truly perpetuates feelings of love ~ moreso than anything else!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think the term "vulnerable" can come from two very different sources. The first kind of vulnerability is one based on strength and confidence and involves a willingness or openness to accept another into your life. Precisely because you are strong and sure -that is a good kind of vulnerability. The second kind would arise from position of weakness and involve being easily hurt. That is a bad kind of vulnerability. I think that telling the difference between the two can sometimes be difficult as both entail allowing another into your world. White knights, nice guys and others having rescue fantasies are often attracted to the second (weakness based) vulnerability. Healthy people tend to be attracted to strength based vulnerability.


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