# I told you that....



## oreo12345 (Mar 27, 2013)

Here is the situation.

My wife expects me to remember everything that she tells me. For example, she tells me that she is having lunch with her friend tomorrow. Next day during the phone conversation during lunch time, I casually ask her what she is doing, and she says "I told you I am having lunch with my friend." I can feel/hear that she is mad that I did not remember what she told me. It is not like I did not remember, it is more of I did not think of it when I was talking to her.

This happens everyday almost on something. She thinks not remembering = not caring.

Funny thing is she does this to me all the time. It does not bother me though. I tried to talk to her about it. I tried to do the same to her to show. She says "I told you that..."every single time it happens...

Am I in the wrong? Should I think about each phrases before saying it?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

If it is continual that you don't remember what she has told you then yes it could be seen as not caring. Do you actually listen to her or do you just see her open her mouth and do not register what she says?

I guess it depends on if it is all the time. We all forget stuff but if a partner regularly shows little interest then I get it that she thinks you don't care. Maybe she feels her life is irrelevant to you.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Even if you think she does this same thing to you and it doesn't bother you, that doesn't mean it shouldn't bother her. To her, your not remembering is a sign of you not caring and she is voicing that. If you can express your love and caring for her on a daily basis another way, then perhaps that one issue won't be as important to her. Right now it is important so yes think carefully before you speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

You cant be expected to remember every little thing, but maybe you can make it a point to "pick up" conversations where you last left off, showing her you do in fact remember.

If shes doing it just to have an excuse get under your skin/throw a hissy fit, that something that needs to be honestly and clearly communicated as something that you won't tolerate in turn. This is coming from someone with a permanently heightened crazy/drama meter.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

oreo12345 said:


> Here is the situation.
> 
> My wife expects me to remember everything that she tells me. For example, she tells me that she is having lunch with her friend tomorrow. Next day during the phone conversation during lunch time, I casually ask her what she is doing, and she says "I told you I am having lunch with my friend." I can feel/hear that she is mad that I did not remember what she told me. It is not like I did not remember, it is more of I did not think of it when I was talking to her.
> 
> ...


I have not read replies. We do not remember what we don't "process" through our minds. We hear it and decide it's not relevant, so we promptly stop thinking about it. 

In this sense, she's right that it's not important to you. 

If you want it to be important to you, you'll need to practice processing the things she tells you. Use a mental image of a calendar page and write it on there in your mind, along with what you'll be doing at the same time. Get used to forming mental pictures as she tells you things and you'll become adept at remembering.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I personally don't think it's important that you remember every lunch date she has. Or every other detail of her daily life. Especially since she doesn't return the favor by remembering the details of your daily life.


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## oreo12345 (Mar 27, 2013)

The thing is she does same thing to me. I am always thinking "this is where i should get mad and tell her i told you this before" but i really dont care about that. I do not mind repeating things. We all have our own stuff to deal with. She does too, and that is why she forgets.

Now she is trying to make a point to tell me.

I cannot concentrate on every phrase i say. I mean i try to since she wants me to, but its not to her satisfaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

Honestly, this is the difference between a man and a woman. Petty things like this infuriate women..




oreo12345 said:


> The thing is she does same thing to me. I am always thinking "this is where i should get mad and tell her i told you this before" but i really dont care about that. I do not mind repeating things. We all have our own stuff to deal with. She does too, and that is why she forgets.
> 
> Now she is trying to make a point to tell me.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

NutritionFacts said:


> Honestly, this is the difference between a man and a woman. *Petty* things like this infuriate women..
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you put it this way, is it any wonder that your women get mad at you?...


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## NutritionFacts (Oct 24, 2012)

anony2 said:


> When you put it this way, is it any wonder that your women get mad at you?...


I mean it in the most respectful manner possible.. But I truly believe my comment reflects reality. Small details like these are SO insignificant. Life is busy enough and nobody has time to track how many pieces of bubble gum you've chewed today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

NutritionFacts said:


> I mean it in the most respectful manner possible.. But I truly believe my comment reflects reality. Small details like these are SO insignificant. Life is busy enough and nobody has time to track how many pieces of bubble gum you've chewed today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is petty is subjective. If your spouse says something is important, it is your choice wether you find it important or not. It is not up to you what should be important to them. I'm sure we can make equally ridiculous lists about what men find important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

NutritionFacts said:


> Honestly, this is the difference between a man and a woman. Petty things like this infuriate women..
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Way to generalize. Nothing like lumping the drama queen who NEEDS him to remember every piece of chewed gum with ALL women. Ick.

I too have no problem "letting go" of inconsequential conversations. I can listen, converse, even be involved in the decision... but if it's really all about nothing, chances are I'm not going to think about it again. Easy enough to cover in a later conversation or when getting called on it: "Oh right, that was today. How's it going?" (The question puts it back to them, and usually calms any hard feelings about you not being aware of their issue.)

Sometimes it bites me on the butt... because I'm usually out of the loop, don't recall gossip or something like that. But over-all it works for me. My mind isn't cluttered with other people's inconsequential stuff. No drama. 

If it's an important date, I write it down. Otherwise, I let it go. And ya, it doesn't bother me at all if someone doesn't remember my minutia either. 

But Kathy is right... if it does matter to W...then it matters. Either you fix your "phrases" so as not to get caught all the time, or you make mental notes and train yourself to remember more of her stuff....maybe not all of it, but some of it. Simply because this is something she NEEDS from you....for whatever reason.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Matt1720 said:


> You cant be expected to remember every little thing, but maybe you can make it a point to "pick up" conversations where you last left off, showing her you do in fact remember.
> 
> If shes doing it just to have an excuse get under your skin/throw a hissy fit, that something that needs to be honestly and clearly communicated as something that you won't tolerate in turn. This is coming from someone with a permanently heightened crazy/drama meter.


*I disagree, I don't have a problem remembering what HE says. If my honey makes the effort to tell me something, I make a mental note of it. FYI - he talks way more than I do! *


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

NutritionFacts said:


> Honestly, this is the difference between a man and a woman. Petty things like this infuriate women..
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*What infuriates me is men being dismissive and condescending.*


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Now you have to change your way of thinking. When your wife forgets things you says to her, behave the same way. Do not just let it slide. Hold her to the same standards she holds you to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

It could be she isn't so much upset that you didn't remember but at the time she told you that she thinks you weren't listening to her in the first place.You said this happens everyday?And I wouldn't jump to the assumption she expects you to remember every word she says.But if she told you the day before she was having lunch with a friend and the next day you were clueless and similar is happening like you said everyday she again might just think you never listen to anything she says not that she expects you to remember EVERY minor detail.It be one thing if she had told you a week ago even.Or she expects you to remember very finite details like the name of a new book she told you she was going to start reading or what color she is going to paint her toenails the next day.Or a dozen things she has planned the next day for you to remember all of them.

I think the fact you DID remember when she said "I told you" but it just wasn't on your mind at the time you should tell her that.And like SunnyT said just say Oh yeah I remember you telling me that didn't realize what time it was how is lunch going?



> Small details like these are SO insignificant.


NutritionFacts maybe some "small details" are SO insignificant.But if she went missing the next day I'm sure the fact she said she was going to be having lunch with a friend that afternoon and not only that even the name of her friend and what restaurant would not be an "insignificant small detail".


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It seems wrong that she expects him to remember everything she tells him while she doesn't remember everything that he tells her. It shouldn't be important that he remembers and unimportant that she remembers.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Wow this really seems like unnecessary bickering. Really why does who she is having lunch with matter that much to the marriage? No wonder so many marriages fail! How nit-picky and naggy can you be?!?

If this issue is really that significant to a spouse how in the world are you going to cope with real issues?

Geez!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> Wow this really seems like unnecessary bickering. Really why does who she is having lunch with matter that much to the marriage? No wonder so many marriages fail! How nit-picky and naggy can you be?!?
> 
> If this issue is really that significant to a spouse how in the world are you going to cope with real issues?
> 
> ...


Unnecessary bickering? Funny but I'd agree with you but it seems to happen a lot. 

I agree that it does seem like you don't listen and maybe it's just not important enough to memorize.

The key is to point out the double standard that your wife has. I have a bad memory and my wife would slam me all the time for it. Yet when I got home from work within the first hour she would ask me the same question three times (such as "what did you have for lunch today?").

The next time she got on me for "not listening" I pointed out every time she asked me the same question more than once. It was a good way of showing that is ISN'T done intentionally AND we both got better at listening.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> It could be she isn't so much upset that you didn't remember but at the time she told you that she thinks you weren't listening to her in the first place.You said this happens everyday?And I wouldn't jump to the assumption she expects you to remember every word she says.But if she told you the day before she was having lunch with a friend and the next day you were clueless and similar is happening like you said everyday she again might just think you never listen to anything she says not that she expects you to remember EVERY minor detail.It be one thing if she had told you a week ago even.Or she expects you to remember very finite details like the name of a new book she told you she was going to start reading or what color she is going to paint her toenails the next day.Or a dozen things she has planned the next day for you to remember all of them.
> 
> I think the fact you DID remember when she said "I told you" but it just wasn't on your mind at the time you should tell her that.And like SunnyT said just say Oh yeah I remember you telling me that didn't realize what time it was how is lunch going?
> 
> ...


How many times are we thinking about our own thing while someone is talking to us? We've gotten so busy all the time that I think a lot of us do this. 

It's not easy to give another person your complete and undivided attention. 

The flip side of that coin is this: How do you feel when someone remembers your words, no matter how insignificant something might have been? Doesn't it make you admire and respect that person, maybe even feel a little envious that you're not as "together" as they seem to be? 

I've only found two solutions, and neither is perfect, but they do help. One is what I said before, disciplining myself to process the conversation and stay focused in the moment, and the other is to be less busy.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *What infuriates me is men being dismissive and condescending.*


I'm sorry, were you talking? :runs away and hides:


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Next time just tell your wife, 'Oh my gosh, I remember you saying something like that, but your stunning beauty had all my attention at that moment'


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> How many times are we thinking about our own thing while someone is talking to us? We've gotten so busy all the time that I think a lot of us do this.
> 
> It's not easy to give another person your complete and undivided attention.


I agree but if its more the rule than the exception then its a problem.We have been talking on the forum about sex of course LOL!! It would be like if someone is routinely off in never never land not really paying attention during sex and they said "well I was thinking about my own thing I've been so busy with my own thing its not easy to give you my complete and undivided attention".



> How do you feel when someone remembers your words, no matter how insignificant something might have been? Doesn't it make you admire and respect that person,


It makes me feel like they care about me and what is going on in my life and head.Or they are stalking me.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

oreo12345 said:


> Here is the situation.
> 
> My wife expects me to remember everything that she tells me. For example, she tells me that she is having lunch with her friend tomorrow. Next day during the phone conversation during lunch time, I casually ask her what she is doing, and she says "I told you I am having lunch with my friend." I can feel/hear that she is mad that I did not remember what she told me. It is not like I did not remember, it is more of I did not think of it when I was talking to her.
> 
> ...


My husband forgets stuff I tell him all the time, I don't give him that reaction when I talk to him.. life is busy and we forget things sometime. Just be who you are, she should not punish you for that!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

As much as he says she complains about him forgetting it almost seems like she is looking for a reason to complain. I can understand if he forgot something like paying a bill but come on people, are we really expected to listen to EVERY SINGLE detail (and remember) that comes out of our spouses mouth? She expects that because she whined about him forgetting something as harmless as a lunch date! We are human.....we get bored easily, give the guy a break.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Remembering things that I have told my partner or anyone else important to me (ie siblings, parents, co-workers, friends, etc.....) is important to me because

1. I don't want to double booked because he can't remember plans that I have already made and he appeared to agree to.

2. I want adequate resources reserved for the plans that I have informed my partner of and he made gestures that he agreed to them. If that means money, transportation, his presence.....

3. I don't want my partner using that fact that he can't remember as an excuse for anything. I made the mistake of introducing my mother to one of my professors at university. He went on to screw me over for a reference I needed for a summer program. And I didn't get accepted. that was Jr. year. By the time I graduated my mother made a big deal about having a graduation party for me. Guess who she invited...... and her excuse, I can't remember everything you tell me.....

This is one of those incidents in life that puts me on high alert. If you can't remember things I tell you, do you really want to be with me; Are you trying to find ways to set up; Embarass me?

OP, think about times when you might appear as if you can remember the things that other people tell you, other women included. This is not going to be interpreted well by your wife.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Also I'm sorry OP but you forgetting some things and her getting irrated by it you shouldn't exaggerate that and say she "expects you to remember EVERYTHING she tells you ".I mean I would be surprised if that's the truth.And statements like that are of course going to make her sound unreasonable.And very easy based on that to minimize her concern and make her sound petty.And you only gave one example too.You said this is happening almost everyday (that you forget something) thats not the same as her expecting you to "remember everything she tells you"..Maybe its more like she wants you to stop forgetting so many things she tells you .Maybe you have a bad habit of not listening to her and forgetting things she tells you and she is tired of having to repeat her self over things that shouldn't be that difficult to remember and especially if its all the time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Oreo, if you can't remember anything that your wife tells you, how do you know your day, particularly weekend days look like? Have you ever made plans that conflicted with something that she had already arranged?

What I find interesting are people who act as if they can't remember but when you test them........yeah, they know, they remember....


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> she's right that it's not important to you.


Yup.

Forget about justifying it with a double standard. When you remember hers, but she does not remember yours - then you can play that card properly. Until now it is just an excuse to be combative. 



> If you want it to be important to you, you'll need to practice processing the things she tells you.


Yes.

The simplest, most effective way to do that is to _repeat what she just told you_. 

When you say "uh huh", you are not removing the current thought from your brain to consider what you were just told.

Forcing yourself to repeat back to her "you're going to lunch with Sarah tomorrow" means you had to set aside the current thought in order to imprint and repeat what you were told.

Once you have done that, you will automatically mull it over. For example, figure out when you'll call your mistress so she can come over for a quickie while the wife is at lunch.

That's how you make the wife a bigger priority.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiancé regularly buys tickets to the theatre and concerts months in advanced. I have learned to add them to my diary as soon as he tells me.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

How many times does your wife have to tell you things before you remember what she says? I often times will tell my husband something several times and he still doesn't remember. It even gets bad when I have a standing appointment every week and he still makes plans that interrupt mine. Then he'll say "I knew that Wednesdays were bad but I couldn't remember why." Really? After a full year of my going to this activity AND the night before telling him my plans the next day? Seriously? It may be unreasonable to have to remember something told to you once a month ago. But if she told you the night before or first thing in the morning? No excuse. Remember.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I started using that "I forgot" or "I thought I had told you already" routine as well.

A couple --his friends-- sent us an invitation to their first child's christening. the wife was always *****y with me anyway. I put the card on the fireplace -- as English people normally do with their invitations. My (ex)H was away on assignment and I would visit him on the weekends. So by the time he was home again, the christening had passed. he noticed the invitation on the fireplace. And I said "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I had told you already......." -- the way he would belatedly and in front of his friends tell me about things going on in OUR life.

Be careful the games you play with your spouse......


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I have this issue with my wife. The problem I have is the double standard. And the condescending reaction.

Tit for tat doesn't work. I play squash every Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. Yet on Saturday she will ask me if I am playing squash. If she has just given me grief for not hearing or remembering something, then I give her grief about not remembering as well. This has no effect on either of us other than to make it a contest to see who can catch the other person being forgetful. Just escalates the problem.

Bottom line is that people need to realize that what is important to them, may not be important to their spouse. *Don't sweat the small stuff*. If you are forgetting a lunch date with your wife then that would be cause for her to be upset. For you to forget that she had a lunch date with someone else, should not effect her. She should realize that this lunch had no affect on you and she should understand it is perfectly normal for you to not be thinking about it. I think she should give you credit for recalling it once she brings it up instead of getting mad you didn't remember.

I agree that this is the difference between men and women. I have heard great things about a play called 'Defending the Caveman'. It talks about how Men were the hunters. Several men could go out and hunt together, spend the day together not saying a thing and come back with food for the family. They had to be quiet in order to not scare away the animals. Women on the other hand were the gatherers. They would be out in the garden chatting back and forth getting food for the family. They had to be chatting in order to keep the animals away.

There is a bunch of truth to this. All our family get together's typically look like a bunch of women laughing and talking in the kitchen, while all the men are in the living room watching a game and hardly saying a thing to one another.


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