# Am I wrong for wanting to leave?



## emotionallynumb

I just need some insight....I have been with my husband for 9 years, just had our 8 year anniversay. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and we have 2 together. When we first got together my husband would drink sometimes every weekend but not usually. It was usually every couple weekends. I got pregant fast and would kind of get upset the closer it got to the end that he might be too drunk to dive me to the dr. This kind of drinking went on for the first 2-3 years. Ive never been a huge fan of his friends, it just seems thats what they always want to do is drink and he obviously cant say no to them. So after the first 2-3 years he gradually got the point where he was drinking every weekend and occasionally during the week. And again held that for a few years, now its every day and has been for the last 2-3 years. Ive tried telling him how bad it hurts me and that I dont think its ok for him to make the kids think this behavior is ok. I can and do go months without drinking and its hardly ever in front of my kids. We have had many fights over this, I have almost left and he begs me to stay. Ive told him his drinking will make me leave him someday. After we get into these fights he'll cut down a little until i guess he thinks im over it then right back to it. Im so emotionally numb that I dont even care anymore. Ill go shopping after work by myself for hours just so I dont have to be home. I know there has to be some part of me that still loves him or I would be gone right? Plus i dont want to break up the family and rip everything apart. Its just easier together just not happier. Am I just over reacting to all of this???


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## in my tree

No, you are not over reacting. I can see not wanting this behavior in front of your children either. Maybe instead of window shopping after work, go to an Al Anon meeting (for loved ones of alcoholics). They may help you to see things clearly. Ultimately it is your and your children's lives and how you want them to be lived. Until he wants to get help for himself (not for you) then he will not change. Sure, he will say something and change temporarily to get you to stay but he will go back to the heavy drinking.


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## emotionallynumb

I really dont know what al anon is.....if its just a group of people giving me excuses to stay becasuse he's "sick" and its not his fault I dont want to go. I have enough of my own crap excuses as to why I havent left yet, I dont need more.


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## Jamison

emotionallynumb said:


> I really dont know what al anon is.....if its just a group of people giving me excuses to stay becasuse he's "sick" and its not his fault I dont want to go. I have enough of my own crap excuses as to why I havent left yet, I dont need more.


What is Al-Anon?

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

It will help you to at least understand where some of his behavior is coming from and how YOU need to learn to take care of YOU. Staying is optional, that is YOUR choice. Even if you left him, Alanon can still be beneficial to you. Anyone who was/is damaged from someones drinking could use all the support they can get.


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## Chris Taylor

You don't describe the amount he is drinking. Is he getting rip-roaring drunk, buzzed or just relaxed?


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## Acoa

She said it was enough to interfere with family life. She is justified in thinking he has a problem. 

If you are looking for validation for leaving him, you probably don't need it. So, why are you still with him? What are your reasons to stay?


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## emotionallynumb

The amount he drinks depends on the day. Usually its not rip roaring drunk. He will drink anywhere from 1/2 bottle to 1 bottle of wine a night. other times its 2 glasses of wine and a few beers. some days its 5,6,7 drinks. If he's with his friends its usually way more, for some reason they cant just hang out they have to drink to hang out. Its like they cant stand each other sober. IDK. I just dont understand the need to have to drink everyday. I find it disgusting way to cover up. Dont get me wrong I drink, I dont do it around my kids and its usually only once a month or every other month maybe. Ive went 5-6 months without touching a drop. Here are my reasons: We have 3 kids, a house, a car payment, and every other bill that goes with life. I have a job that requires me to be there 9-10 hours a day. I dont want to rip the family apart, I dont want him to lose everything he's worked for in life. He's put alot into this house, who am I to say get out its mine now. I dont have the answers my kids will require when they ask why isnt daddy here anymore. I know this whole thing is one sided and he may see our life on a whole different perspective, but when I try to talk to him about it he shows almost no emotion. The last 7-8 months he'll stay up till 12-1 in the morning, fall asleep on the couch then wake up and come to bed around 4-5. I need more attention than that, maybe he doesnt. I do have my down falls too. I hold alot in until it gets too much to handle then blow up. I think he know once this happens I'll get over it and he has awhile till it happens again. I also am a go go person I dont do the relaxing thing very well. I always can find something that needs to be cleaned or organized. He would rather read, play games or be on the computer for hours. We've had our fights over this too. I've given up on that. I just let him do whatever he wants cuz talking to me or whatever else obviously isnt it. He has made it so I feel very unimportant and worthless to him.


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## derbygirl

We could be living parallel lives! I'm in almost exactly the same situation , to the "t"! I am at virtually the same crossroads or so or stay except because he is in the Army, we are 1800 miles from "home". I can't afford to move back home and can't stand the thought of establishing myself here in El Paso (Hell Paso). I don't know what to tell you because I'm as miserable and confused as you are but if you ever want to commiserate, send me a message. 

Hang in there, we'll get through this one way or another!


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## Acoa

If you haven't, try to find a local Alanon group, it is a good program and will help you in dealing with your alcoholic.


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## Chris Taylor

emotionallynumb said:


> The amount he drinks depends on the day. Usually its not rip roaring drunk. He will drink anywhere from 1/2 bottle to 1 bottle of wine a night. other times its 2 glasses of wine and a few beers. some days its 5,6,7 drinks. If he's with his friends its usually way more, for some reason they cant just hang out they have to drink to hang out. Its like they cant stand each other sober. IDK. I just dont understand the need to have to drink everyday. I find it disgusting way to cover up. Dont get me wrong I drink, I dont do it around my kids and its usually only once a month or every other month maybe. Ive went 5-6 months without touching a drop. Here are my reasons: We have 3 kids, a house, a car payment, and every other bill that goes with life. I have a job that requires me to be there 9-10 hours a day. I dont want to rip the family apart, I dont want him to lose everything he's worked for in life. He's put alot into this house, who am I to say get out its mine now. I dont have the answers my kids will require when they ask why isnt daddy here anymore. I know this whole thing is one sided and he may see our life on a whole different perspective, but when I try to talk to him about it he shows almost no emotion. The last 7-8 months he'll stay up till 12-1 in the morning, fall asleep on the couch then wake up and come to bed around 4-5. I need more attention than that, maybe he doesnt. I do have my down falls too. I hold alot in until it gets too much to handle then blow up. I think he know once this happens I'll get over it and he has awhile till it happens again. I also am a go go person I dont do the relaxing thing very well. I always can find something that needs to be cleaned or organized. He would rather read, play games or be on the computer for hours. We've had our fights over this too. I've given up on that. I just let him do whatever he wants cuz talking to me or whatever else obviously isnt it. He has made it so I feel very unimportant and worthless to him.


Thanks for the clarification. It doesn't sound like he will stop without some heavy lifting on his part and he needs some drastic motivation on yours. I think you need to draw a line in the sand... which is no more drinking. Period. Harsh, but it doesn't sound like he can control even "social" drinking.


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## emotionallynumb

He cant control it & I dont think it would be fair to tell him no more drinking period if I'm going to drink sometimes. Im about 80% sure I'm past the point of caring wether he stops or not. i just have to get to the point where I say enought and leave. I dont think I can trust him if he says hes going to quit and I dont know if I can get that love back. As far as al-a-non goes I dont want to learn how to deal with my alcoholic. He's not my kid and I dont have to deal with it.


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## ShawnD

emotionallynumb said:


> I really dont know what al anon is.....if its just a group of people giving me excuses to stay becasuse *he's "sick" and its not his fault* I dont want to go. I have enough of my own crap excuses as to why I havent left yet, I dont need more.


Ha. That's exactly what they are :smthumbup:

They're different from real support groups because they don't suggest fixing the illness they claim he has. Think of any other type of support group, such as a support group for men with testicular cancer. That cancer support group is a real support group; they all get medical treatment for their cancer and they share stories about treatment and how to deal with cancer. Alcoholics Anonymous is different because they skip the whole treatment part and focus on the symptoms of the problem rather than the problem.

"Hi my name is John and I'm an alcoholic. I haven't talked to any medical experts about things that might be causing my alcoholism such as depression or bipolar disorder because you guys told me not to. Like all of you, I believe this is a spiritual problem. If I just tough it out and pray really hard, the alcoholism will eventually go away on its own."

Saying something like that at the cancer meeting would be enough to justify throwing hot coffee in your face.
"Hi I have cancer. I refuse to seek medical treatment because I think it's a spiritual problem, so I'm just going to pray lots and hope the cancer goes away on its own."


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## cat1221

I understand what you are feeling. I too am going through a similar situation. Married for 2 years. together for 7years. Last night i think was the last straw for me. He didnt come home until the early hours of the morning and i saw a large bottle of liqour in the car. No phone call, not nothing as to explain why he was out so late. I feel like i have put up with more than enough over the years and am now at the point where i am going to snap. I almost dont even care if he comes home any more.
I am deeply in dept due to many issues that have gone on in the last year and feel like i just cant take any more. But its not easy to walk away. I still love him but he loves alcohol more than anything else and he always will. The kids and i will never come before his alcohol but it does take a long time to realise that or at least it did for me.
Im so sorry you are suffering too but there comes a time when you must walk away from all the drama and pain and surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who dont.


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## emotionallynumb

To cat1221: Yep My husband has done that a few times. He's gone to concerts with his friends and gets home when ever, doesnt call or text. Whatever right....Im getting very bitter to it. 
To ShawnD: As far as whats "causing" his problem. He has a social anxiety and some depression which he takes paxil for. He also has some insomnia which he takes Ambian for. I dont see this as a "lets figure out whats causing his problem" I see it as he should be an adult and figure it out damn it. Again a little bitter....SORRY!!!!!!!!


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## valueadded

I have been separated from my alcoholic husband of 22 years. I asked him to leave 8 months ago. Its been very difficultespecially first 3 months. A friend took me to al anon meeting. I have been going for about 4 months. This groups focus isn't on the addict its on themselves. I have learned to take care of me and it really works. My husband and I are in counseling also. We are much happier and may reconcile. Its worth going to these meetings. Its not about learning coping mechanisms for the alcoholic. They dont advise to stay or go. I wish you peace and happiness


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## emotionallynumb

I really appreciate all the posts everyone is leaving, they really do help. This is just an extension of what else is happening in all of this. Lets go back a little farther....I got married at 17. I was married for 6 years to him. I was a very outgoing person, liked to go out with friends, hang out with family, etc. He got me to the point I did nothing. He made it so I never wore make-up, never did my hair and wore nothing but sweats and t-shirts. If he left the house I was to saty inside with the door locked and blinds shut. I had no friends and he didnt like me talking to my family too much just his. I was young and dumb, got out and realize how emotionally abused I was. I still to this day cant wear sweats or t-shirts and as soon as I get up the blinds are open. I was single for about a year when I met my husband now. Im beginning to think I am becoming the person I was meant to before my 1st husband tore me apart and this person kind of clashes with my husband now and the fact that this crap with his drinking is going on doesnt help or maybe Im becoming this other person because he obviously doesnt care what I think and Im past caring anymore. Hell who knows. Sometime just the sound of his voice irritates me. Most of the time he only comes to bed when I do either because he knows Im upset or because he wants sex. For instance the other night I got up at 3am wen into the living room and turned the tv and lights off. He looked at me and went back to sleep. I went back to bed. I got up at 6 to go to work thats when he got up and went to bed. As im getting dressed he asked if i turned all the stuff off I say yes, he says why didnt you wake me up....Really cuz youre an adult and cant do this **** on your own. Just made me mad and he knew it, so the next night he came to bed with me. I think he knows theres a problem but chooses to ignore it and just pretend its all ok. This is a little TMI sorry....last night we were having sex, the whole time I just felt irritated. His voice was bugging me, the way he was doing it was bugging me, not sure why just was. I just dont know what to do anymore. Wow talk about a rant sorry!!!!


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## Dramaqueen

Emotionallynumb, I can certainly relate to your situation. I have been married for 26 1/2 years.....alcoholism in my H's family but never a problem for him until about 5 years ago. Used to buy a 6 pack of beer on Friday after work, that would last through the weekend and usually was the only purchase until the next Friday. Then it changed to a pint of Black Velvet on Fridays, then that became a fifth. When I complained of how he smelled after drinking that, he switched to vodka. That too started with a fifth on Friday evening. Now it is 3, sometimes 4 fifths of vodka a week. He gets up, goes to work every day, is never hung over, and is not physically abusive to me at all. He gets home from work and picking up our daughter by 3 or so in the afternoon; by the time I get home at 5:30, he has consumed a half of a fifth. He sweats profusely while sleeping at night, snores to the point where I cannot sleep in our bed if I want to actually sleep, and has gained a tremendous amount of weight. Yet, he still cannot imagine why I am not enthusiastic about sex. Go figure. I started seeing a counselor 2 months ago, and started Al Anon at the same time -- best things I have done in a long time. I want and deserve to be happy, and I want the same for my kids. They should not grow up thinking this is the way it is supposed to be. I don't like this man when he has been drinking.....he disgusts me. Unfortunately, he drinks every day and has been that man I don't like for so long, I no longer love him. Just a matter of time for me, to get things lined up financially, and I am done.


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## baddecisions

You are not wrong to leave. I've been going through a similar situation for years. Have been with H for 15 years (5 married). He has been a heavy drinker from the beginning when we met in college but I always assumed he would grow up. I was so wrong. We got married 5 years ago and have a 4 year old, 2 year old and 9 month old. For YEARS i threatened him with me leaving. I did it so often that he never took me seriously. We would go through cycles. He would drink constantly (he is a functioning alcoholic and has a good job) and I was pretty much a single mother. I'd try to talk to him, threaten him to leave and he pretty much ignored me and considered it nagging. Then he would have an episode where he lost control (he is an angry drunk) and we would have a huge fight. Sometimes broken windows, doors, etc by him. I would again threaten to leave, he would stop drinking, things would go back to normal, then it would happen again. He always says to me..."but we have good times!?!". Yes, we had good times but i was never truly happy. I lived in constant fear of when the next "episode" would happen. i was scared to leave. It was too hard to leave with the 3 kids all 4 and under. I became so desperate that I cheated. Its sick and disgusting and I hate myself for it. That was only a few months ago. I've since confessed and things have exploded. I ask myself every single day...WHY DID I NOT JUST LEAVE HIM. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a normal life. Now looking back at the last 15 years of my life, it makes me sad. All this time I thought my life was normal and I was really in hell. I'm still hoping that he gets help and we can one day forgive each other for our sins. I worry it may be too late for us after what I've done. Please learn from me. Take care of yourself and good luck! Ps....sorry this is long


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