# Ladies: Mentality of frequent sex



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I didn't want to hijack the other thread, and not sure my title is the best, but I have a question.

I read and hear about women who don't want sex often and it becomes frustrating within their marriage. My x wife never rarely wanted it. This thread, however, makes it seem like most women love sex.

I'm not sure I know how to word this question, but for those of you women who like sex several times a week, does that just seem super normal to you, or do you feel all the planets are in line and your husband just knows how to turn you on? How much of it is a desire created because your husband knows exactly what you need mentally, and how much is just a pure desire for physical sex?

If your husband changed a little in the negative direction, nothing huge, but a little, would this dampen your desire, or would that have little to do with it?


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I think this is an awesome question.

My drive seems to be mostly correlated with the quality of sex I am having. Bad, sad lazy sex--I don't want it. Great awesome sex--I want it everyday.

Emotionally this translates into I don't have good sex when either of us is mad at each other. The quality seems to go down because there is a lack of effort on both of our parts. For that reason, I rarely have full out angry or mad sex. An accumulation of negatives with no resolution would make me in a fairly angry state mos of the time--so my drive would take a hit.

At the same time if I was having great sex while angry, I'm sure my perspective would change.

Daily annoyances don't bother my drive at all. Its the bigger things that do.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

My desire level feels natural to me (maybe 3x per week), and it ebbs and flows throughout the month. My STBXH did not incite much desire in me. Part of that was emotional distance, and part was lack of effort, so to speak. My desire level with him was about once per week, maybe less. If we had been closer, or if i had not been expected to provide my own O, i probably would have wanted it more than once per week. 

I have no idea if a really awesome relationship would make me want it more than 3x per week, as I've never experienced that. I suspect it might, because when i have an especially appealing fantasy stuck in my head, I'd be ready just about any time.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

that.girl said:


> My desire level feels natural to me (maybe 3x per week), and it ebbs and flows throughout the month. My STBXH did not incite much desire in me. Part of that was emotional distance, and part was lack of effort, so to speak. My desire level with him was about once per week, maybe less. If we had been closer, or if i had not been expected to provide my own O, i probably would have wanted it more than once per week.
> 
> I have no idea if a really awesome relationship would make me want it more than 3x per week, as I've never experienced that. I suspect it might, because when i have an especially appealing fantasy stuck in my head, I'd be ready just about any time.


Kind of reinforces what I learned here some time ago. A very sad thing for most men who feel the need to visit TAM.

She wants sex. Just not with you.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Middle of Everything said:


> Kind of reinforces what I learned here some time ago. A very sad thing for most men who feel the need to visit TAM.
> 
> She wants sex. Just not with you.


Sometimes. That was just MY experience. Don't judge all women by my poor sex life! 

And maybe I'm reading to much into your statement, but i wasn't getting it from anyone else.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

that.girl said:


> Sometimes. That was just MY experience. Don't judge all women by my poor sex life!
> 
> And maybe I'm reading to much into your statement, but i wasn't getting it from anyone else.


Nah my relatively poor sex life helps too.:smthumbup:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

southbound said:


> I read and hear about women who don't want sex often and it becomes frustrating within their marriage. My x wife never rarely wanted it. This thread, however, *makes it seem like most women love sex.*
> 
> I'm not sure I know how to word this question, but for those of you women who like sex several times a week, does that just seem super normal to you, or do you feel all the planets are in line and your husband just knows how to turn you on? How much of it is a desire created because your husband knows exactly what you need mentally, and how much is just a pure desire for physical sex?
> 
> If your husband changed a little in the negative direction, nothing huge, but a little, would this dampen your desire, or would that have little to do with it?


First of all, yes most women love sex.

But that is not the same as saying "most women love getting off". I think sometimes men apply their own criteria to what "sex" means in this context. And I'm not saying men just want to get off, but I think in their minds that is usually the "reason" they think they want sex...the orgasm is the grand prize.

For me, SEX is the prize. The touching, the kissing, the intimacy, the bonding, the pleasure, the closeness, the incredible feelings pleasure....ALL of that put together is the prize.

If a woman is guaranteed a great sexual experience every time with the same man, she will be more likely to keep wanting it. But if the sex is crappy...I would go without. Even though I would still want sex, I wouldn't feel the crappy sex was worth my time.

For men who will have sex anyway even if it is crappy sex, they may not understand this. Again, I think if orgasm is your goal, you will be more likely to just have the crappy sex anyway so you can get your O. For most women I've know, it isn't like this. She'd rather get her O by herself than expend energy on the crappy sex.

What makes sex crappy?

Bad emotions between the partners.

Lack of love or respect between partners.

Partners holding resentment against each other.

Lack of skill, lack of hygiene, lack of passion, lack of intimacy.

Sometimes all of the above are present at the same time.

I'm not saying the above are men's fault. Crappy sex always has two people contributing to the problem. But that part doesn't really matter, a woman will typically take a pass on bad sex where many guys will not.

Of course, if a couple are having crappy sex but can't or won't talk about it and work out whatever is causing it, most likely the relationship will crumble. Again, that is not just one person's fault.

As for, does the desire reside within us, or does the man somehow know how to turn her on?

For me it is both, but my desire for sex would still be there even if he was clueless about how to turn me on. I am turned on all the time, from within. HOWEVER...if the guy turns me OFF...it ain't gonna happen. I'm always switched on, it takes someone else being weird or gross or mean to me to switch me off. And really I'll only be switched off to them, not switched off to sex.

In my current marriage, my husband and I have lots of problems, but sex isn't one of them. So there are times when he is a giant Ahole, and yet, I never lose my desire for HIM. The reason for this is that we always resolve whatever the problem is before we touch each other again, we always apologize, and the issues we do have don't have to do with intimacy or sexuality. 

But...my husband could change physically and I might lose my desire for him. If he gained a bunch of weight, I don't know how I would feel for sure but when I imagine it, I don't feel my usual desire for him.

Skill is a big one for me. My husband is a sex god, so that part is covered. I will admit that for a long time in my life, I had mostly crappy sex (which was at least 50% my fault). I never stopped wanting sex but I did stop having sex with anyone who wasn't a good match for me. By the time I met my husband (second marriage), I wouldn't even date a guy if I didn't feel good sexual compatibility (you don't even have to have sex with someone to know if it isn't there sometimes). So I deliberately shopped for someone who I knew I could always have great sex with.

Found him! :smthumbup:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> If a woman is guaranteed a great sexual experience every time with the same man, she will be more likely to keep wanting it. But if the sex is crappy...I would go without. Even though I would still want sex, I wouldn't feel the crappy sex was worth my time.
> 
> For men who will have sex anyway even if it is crappy sex, they may not understand this. Again, I think if orgasm is your goal, you will be more likely to just have the crappy sex anyway so you can get your O. For most women I've know, it isn't like this. She'd rather get her O by herself than expend energy on the crappy sex.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I'd love to have sex often but knowing I'll just be disappointed I chose to take care of myself. Bad sex does more damage for me than sexless. 

I think it's important to at least talk to your partner about it and what you need to be more sexual and it's important to listen when they do, even if you think it's trivial.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Reading these insights from women and comparing it to what I have experienced over the last 20 years, I should count myself a fortunate man.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Great, question OP 

There is a lot to a woman's drive and it can change depending on what life throws at us.
One difference I see with men and women is that when a woman is turned off by her partner, he is lazy, angry, rude, ignores her or whatever then her desire for him leaves the building.
Many men will scratch their head and wonder why their sex life has gone down the toilet.

For me personally I would not tolerate any of the above behaviours and sex drive would be turned off.

However that is different to life circumstances. eg ATM I am going through some stress that has nothing to do with anything my partner has done. It has slowed me down sexually but not turned me off my partner. In fact the opposite, his actions during my stress (coming to work with a bunch of flowers, running me baths etc) has me feeling safer, more loved and more desire for him. So at this time when my natural drive is slower we are still having almost daily sex because my desire to feel safe in his arms and close to him has escalated. I might be dead tired or stressed but I want my man and the closeness that being intimate with him brings.

Mr H has a very high EQ, have said it many times here before but it goes over a lot of men's heads. Having a high EQ does not mean talking for hours about emotional stuff, it means having a highly tuned emotional intelligence. It means he knows what to do in the tough times, it means he knows me well enough to "handle" me in a way that is best for us both.

From wiki


> Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to monitor one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.[1] There are three models of EI. The ability model, developed by Peter Salovey and John Mayer, focuses on the individual's ability to process emotional information and use it to navigate the social environment.[2] The trait model as developed by Konstantin Vasily Petrides, "encompasses behavioral dispositions and self perceived abilities and is measured through self report".[3] The final model, the mixed model is a combination of both ability and trait EI. It defines EI as an array of skills and characteristics that drive leadership performance, as proposed by Daniel Goleman.[4]
> Studies have shown that people with high EI have greater mental health, exemplary job performance, and more potent leadership skills. Markers of EI and methods of developing it have become more widely coveted in the past few decades. In addition, studies have begun to provide evidence to help characterize the neural mechanisms of emotional intelligence.[5][6][7]


Yes women love sex (of course not all, some people of both genders are naturally LD). Sometimes it is for the intimacy other times it is sex for the sake of getting off. But no matter the reason for wanting sex, it has to be good sex.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

OP, for me, my drive ebbs and flows, probably because i'm still nursing. My H's stays at high to super high. It ends up averaging about 3 to 4x week for us, sometimes 5. I never turn down sex with him, because I have found that even when I don't initially feel like it, I will end up enjoying it anyway. I think what makes this so, is that I do feel that emotional connection regardless of what type of sex it ends up being --- pounding, sensual, tender, rougher. The act will always end up with expression by both of us of the emotional connection. That's the icing on the cake for me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't know why, but I have always thought men needed sex often. To me, that was just part and parcel of marriage.

When we were first together, 21 years ago, Dh wanted sex at least once a day. I thought every other day was enough. At first he was mad, then he backed off. We learned to live together. Mostly he learned to be less selfish and more understanding, imo.

Then the kid years, and his frequent travel, and sometimes we only had it once a week.

Now it might be more than once a day, or we might skip a day. He is very good to me, and that makes me want to be good to him. 

For me, the emotional connection is the main thing in marriage. For me, it is out of the emotional connection that the physical connection flows.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

southbound said:


> I'm not sure I know how to word this question, but for those of you women who like sex several times a week, does that just seem super normal to you, or do you feel all the planets are in line and your husband just knows how to turn you on? How much of it is a desire created because your husband knows exactly what you need mentally, and how much is just a pure desire for physical sex?
> 
> If your husband changed a little in the negative direction, nothing huge, but a little, would this dampen your desire, or would that have little to do with it?


This is a great question. I answered the poll with wanting sex several times a week. I wonder if my view is skewed, though because I have an LDish partner. I would say 100% of it is just a pure desire for physical sex. My mental needs have nothing to do with my physical needs. I know that sounds odd. But I don't enjoy 'lovemaking' at all. I enjoy RAW SEX. I think there's a difference.

RE: the negative change? It depends. Are you talking about physical or mental change? If it were physical, I really don't think it'd dampen my desire at all. (But then again, is it just because I don't get it as much as I'd like?) I'm always at the ready to jump his bones. If it were mental, that'd be a whole different story.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lucy999 said:


> RE: the negative change? It depends. Are you talking about physical or mental change? If it were physical, I really don't think it'd dampen my desire at all. (But then again, is it just because I don't get it as much as I'd like?) I'm always at the ready to jump his bones. If it were mental, that'd be a whole different story.


It could be either. Perhaps a little weight gain with an attitude that he doesn't care he's gained, or perhaps a little rude or distant.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

A minor physical change wouldn't be a big deal to me. Something like repeated rudeness is a MAJOR turn off.

Sometimes men underestimate how important emotions are to a woman's sexuality.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I really like all the answers here. In my most current marriage my H only wanted sex with me about once a month. I felt a physical desire to have sex 2 or 3 times a week, no matter what was happening between the two of us emotionally. I think partly because I found him physically attractive, even when he gained weight, and partly because I just have a physiological desire to have sex that often. 

For me physical attraction to my partner is a factor in my sex drive. But physical attraction doesn't require him to be a perfect physical specimen. I think for me it has more to do with a certain physical type - I like broad shoulders and relatively large biceps, and I'm turned off by a big gut. And a man's facial features are really important to me. Doesn't have to be classically handsome, but a guy's face is important. If the proportions stay relatively the same, a little weight gain doesn't affect my attraction. 

With my first husband, I got to a point where the resentment and anger was so prevalent that I had NO sexual desire for him and avoided sex even though when we first met I found him physically desirable. 

More than anything else, the thing that affects whether or not I want to have sex is how I am feeling about my body. If I feel fat or if I'm having my period, my sex drive is affected. 

I actually get really, physically horny during my period but I get paranoid about the way I smell during that time and I worry that the site of blood might be a turn-off so even though my body would really like to have sex, my head makes me avoid it. I have had partners who say they don't mind, but they have to tell me a few times before I believe them. 

But if you are trying to puzzle this out, I think you also have to factor in belief systems. I think women are sexual and that asexual people are a rare exception. It just makes sense since we're all animals. If a woman seems to lose her desire for sex, I really believe for the most part, it isn't physiological. And there's some research out there to support that. A woman loses desire for her partner and often, because she believes that she needs to still fulfill her role as a wife and mother, she just shuts her sexual self down rather than redirecting it. I mean, some women cheat as this forum points out, but a lot of women who look LD have really just shut down their sexuality because they have lost desire for their partner and cheating isn't part of their moral code. 

And they have lost desire for their partner for a variety of reasons but I think there are two categories:

1. She isn't emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. 
2. She is no longer physiologically attracted to him. 

The first one could be anger, resentment, lack of emotional closeness - a variety of things. The second could be because his appearance has changed or he has become a "nice" guy instead of the animal that turns her on, or the sex is just boring. 

So then the question is who's responsibility is it to change the situation if the wife has lost desire for her husband? Depends on the reason, right? And that starts with the wife being self-aware enough to know the reason and emotionally mature / courageous enough to be able to speak that truth. I think it's hard for some women to admit to THEMSELVES that they no longer sexually desire their partner, and that is also at the heart of some of the problems here.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

I used to enjoy sex. I have only been with one man, so have nothing else to compare it to. I used to desire sex 3 - 4 times a week. I used to think about sex during the day, feel desire, all those normal things. After many, many years of living with a neglectful, selfish, tempermental husband, and having sex with this man to avoid his temper, not because I desired or even liked him, my sex drive is GONE. I read about these normal women, and their desire for sex, and I feel like an alien species. I have no desire for sex. Nothing! My reaction is quite the opposite. I have a negative reaction to sex....anxiety......unpleasant. So to answer your question. I used to have sex because I had a physical desire to have sex. That existed for many years, even though my husband and I were not emotionally connected. Eventually, though, the lack of emotional connection, and constant mistreatment, took away the physical desire to have sex altogether. I am unsure if the physical desire will ever return. I think some men think women like me are happy with the state we are in. That we don't miss having that desire. In my case, they are wrong. I would love to have that feeling again!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *JLD said*:* I don't know why, but I have always thought men needed sex often. To me, that was just part and parcel of marriage.*
> 
> When we were first together, 21 years ago, Dh wanted sex at least once a day. I thought every other day was enough. At first he was mad, then he backed off. We learned to live together. Mostly he learned to be less selfish and more understanding, imo.


Here is the unfortunate clincher for me & our early years..Unlike JLD here... I wasn't grasping the raging male sex drive & how MUCH/ how antsy/ how frustrating it IS to not be relieved on a regular -like *every day *basis ... not being a man (like my H) who jacked it up to 5 times a day in his youth.. (didn't learn this fact until 5 yrs ago when we started to open up the sex talk)... and he wasn't the type to get mad or show he was upset ....(even though he wanted MORE like any other man)

I feel I always had a NORMAL sex drive though... I loved those orgasms & *needed one* after so many days....what I didn't understand was HOW MUCH MORE he needed them....I was the lower drive spouse for 19 yrs ...Looking back I feel my H was far too passive about this.. never one to push, never complained...he was loving, giving, and happy all those years .. How was I to know he wanted [email protected]#$%.. it almost makes me mad to think about it...

One of his responses to me was.. he never wanted me to THINK it was "just about sex".. because it never was for him...it was always "making love"...as I too, felt this deeply. 

**** *Back to the original question *>>* does it start within, is it our natural SEX DRIVE / a hormonal thing -"I need a man" ...or our Husband's particular skills, how he seduces our mind, in his touch.... how he treats us outside of the sheets -that has this "desirous" effect ...our wanting to be Taken by him.... 



I have the BEFORE my awakening years...and AFTER (these last 5 yrs)... The Before... I felt wholly satisfied in what we had ...always passionate, soul touching... we felt lost in each other....I can't even explain WHY I wasn't jumping for it more so other than to say ... I seemed to be content with it "building" after so many days..

It was a HORMONAL surge in Mid life, not anything he was doing....something was happening to my body.. everything turned me on....I was Loving it... even wanting to FEED IT......when you take a phenomenon like this.. then ADD what "always was"...his tender affection, giving foreplay to always get me there....feeling lost in each other when he reached for me ....My husband suddenly became like a GOD to me....my obsession... My stud...Sex became "Electric" ... anything remotely erotic, I was "on fire".. and seeking to take him to bed.. After all, he was my Husband ! 

He was there in every way he could...feeling his excitement, now making up for lost years.. we were both getting HIGH on the intimacy .......it was a dopamine feedback loop that kept me/us sexually captivated for some time..

Take another scenario...Had I felt he was just pleasing me...something to get over with -like "Woman leave me alone, do you want it to fall off, give me a break!"... had I been met with that... it would have killed something inside of me.. thankfully I never faced this.. reading many stories here has been heartbreaking.. I wouldn't have handled that well. 

I much regret we didn't have MORE sex in our early years.. just so focused on having kids, playing parents...checking off our dreams... a blunder on both our parts for vary different reasons.. ...Looking back.. I just think "who was that woman back there!? -I had my head in the clouds or something"... 

I can see clearly now.. and it's been wonderful for us both. 



> *Southbound said:* *If your husband changed a little in the negative direction, nothing huge, but a little, would this dampen your desire, or would that have little to do with it*?


Depends on what area of negative..(his loosing his desire to be with me would be soul crushing, it's one area I am very sensitive about - just as he was- so I learned through all of this).....other things like too much weight gain, I'd be complaining.. just depends...

That's why airing it out early is just so important ....so we don't misread each other.. sexually we DID misread each other in our past....but now we got it right !


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

southbound said:


> It could be either. Perhaps a little weight gain with an attitude that he doesn't care he's gained, or perhaps a little rude or distant.


A little weight gain is so not an issue with me. However, becoming rude or distant? We would be having a come to Jesus meeting real quick.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

Simply Amorous.....I am jealous!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Some men don't understand, or don't want to understand. For a female, sex has more risk as it could lead to a pregnancy, so women are more selective of their mate. Of course this is more the norm, and does not take psychological issues into account.

A fun game my ex-fiance and I played was I bought her outfits and costumes I like to see her strip out of. She tends to orgasm harder and faster that way. Mentally, these sex games we play, makes her more excited, and makes her feel more sexual. She also likes it when I tie her up and tease her for a long time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Kind of reinforces what I learned here some time ago. A very sad thing for most men who feel the need to visit TAM.
> 
> She wants sex. Just not with you.


True. But it’s important to look at why she does not want sex with you (her husband). That.girl said something very important.


that.girl said:


> If we had been closer, or if i had not been expected to provide my own O, i probably would have wanted it more than once per week.


To be honest, I’m surprised she wanted to have sex 3x per week with a buy who refused to do things to get her to get to an O. Why would any woman want sex with a man who is like this?

Plus she says that there was a distance between them. Women need emotional intimacy with their lover. It just does not go well long term without that strong emotional intimacy.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

southbound said:


> I'm not sure I know how to word this question, but for those of you women who like sex several times a week, does that just seem super normal to you, or do you feel all the planets are in line and your husband just knows how to turn you on? How much of it is a desire created because your husband knows exactly what you need mentally, and how much is just a pure desire for physical sex?


I enjoyed reading the answers and this is a good question. My desire seems normal to me. There can be ebbs and flows throughout the month. 

Planets don't need to be aligned but (like Holland) we have some life-stress going on at the moment. The last few months have been some of the most stressful we've had in a while; several things happening at once. It's surprising me to notice an increase in my urge - perhaps it's wanting a distraction/feel-good hormones from the stress?

We have argued during this time and neither of us are the type to feel sexual when angry but we seem to have been finding resolve. Small things wouldn't bother me. In saying this, my husband has been a rock over the last few months. I've felt cared for, considered, supported and loved. 

On top of that, he does know how to turn me on. He reads me well. The more intimacy we share, the more I crave with him. 



southbound said:


> If your husband changed a little in the negative direction, nothing huge, but a little, would this dampen your desire, or would that have little to do with it?


This seems too subjective... what's a 'little'? For example, I'm used to my husband dealing with life, and these current stresses, a certain way. If he were to mentally check-out, yes it would dampen my desire for him. Before it reached that point though, we'd be talking about it.

If he were to gain a small amount of weight, that wouldn't bother me. Although being who he is, he'd also work on this when the time was right. If he were to gain a large amount of weight through his own doing, that would dampen my desire for him.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Here's the way it's been and is now for me; both are very different.

When I was in my marriage, I had no sexual desire for my husband due to many aspects of our relationship. Makes me even wonder why I married him and how we stayed together for 13 years. :scratchhead:

Now that I'm single and dating again, I want sex almost everyday. Whether it happens or not, I still want it, think about it, and crave it. All women are different. I'm a very sexual person, but I've suppressed it for a long time. I thought that part of me was dead, but it's very much alive!


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> To be honest, I’m surprised she wanted to have sex 3x per week with a buy who refused to do things to get her to get to an O. Why would any woman want sex with a man who is like this?


I had a physical desire about 3x per week. I had sex with him about once per week, because i considered that the minimum for a functioning marriage. I guess i never considered "sexless" to be an option. 
He said it was too hard to get me there. He was fine with watching me finish myself. But if I've got to do it myself anyway, i lose that sense of sex being shared. it became something we did for him.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

that.girl said:


> A minor physical change wouldn't be a big deal to me. Something like repeated rudeness is a MAJOR turn off.
> 
> Sometimes men underestimate how important emotions are to a woman's sexuality.


:iagree:

I normally have a high drive, but if my husband is being a jerk, I don't want anything to do with sex with him. I wouldn't get in the mood. I need/crave the emotional intimacy, so if it's not there, then the sex wouldn't be very good. I don't mind if he gains a little weight or there are some other changes, as we can deal with that, but disrespect is a big turn off.


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