# Balancing Family Obligations



## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

So my dad was diagnosed with Covid back in September and has been hospitalized and on a ventilator for much of that time and recently has gotten off and transferred to a rehab facility.

The long short of it is my wife has very negative feelings and experiences with my side of the family, including my dad. She feels as though they don't care about her and neglect her and have mistreated her. I won't say she doesn't have merit to her concerns and that I don't understand her feelings. They certainly have merit.

But this past week people were finally able to visit him. He isn't perfect but he is my father, and I felt that it was the right thing to do to go visit him. I went twice, once Wednesday and once today for about 3-4 hours each visit.

My wife feels that this was excessive and is upset with me for the two visits. Her wishes were for me to stick to a 2 hour visit each time, especially while I run my dads business for him and work 60-70 hour weeks and barely see her and our 3 kids. My plan going forward is to only visit him once a week but this first week I visited him twice because my step mom is burnt out, so me and my siblings stepped up to visit. We've all been twice.

But my wife is still hurt by this and feels I should have only visited once and should only be there for like an hour or two and then come home, even when there are issues going on like the doctors and facility dropping the ball on some things regarding my dad's care. He needs a lot rehab. He's lost lots of muscle mass and can't speak except whispering so he needs someone there as often as possible to help him communicate and give him support. It wasn't too long ago that he was saying he was never going to get better and just wanted to die. Now he's starting to get to a better place but he's easily agitated and set off because he's still suffering from some mental handicaps from the medically induced coma he was for over a month and side effects of the meds he was on and is on.

I understand my wife is in a position of having to make a sacrifice whenever I go to visit him , because I already work a lot of hours and there's a long history of my family including my dad not being great to her and not always great to our kids. But i think situations like this are unique in morally obligating myself and my siblings to be there for him when my step mom needs a break, and my hope is to help him get better and get to a place where I can honestly speak to him about the issues and hurt my wife has with him and my side of the family.

Basically I need advice of how to balance the obligations to my wife and kids vs the obligations i feel I have towards my father. My wife has said she doesn't mind me visiting him several times a week once he's back home, which will be in the next month or two. He lives two minutes from us, and five minutes from my work. Right now he's only allowed one visitor so I have to leave her and the kids where as in a few months we could all go together. I get that it's harder now, but it's just a temporary sacrifice in my view and i personally feel that it's unreasonable of her to demand I be so sparse and almost cold in my visits with my dad, like I'm either upsetting her to be there for my dad or I have to neglect my dad and hurt him and my family

I get it's tough but I guess summed up my view is sometimes what's right is hard to do , and it's not always or often fair. I think it's reasonable for her to be hurt by my family but none of the grievances she has are over things that are close to unforgivable or insurmountable


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Understand that a woman's nature is innately self-serving. On a deep and instinctual level she wants ALL of your time, energy and money to go to her and her offspring. She can't help it, it's simply how she's wired and the fact that she has conflict with your side of the family adds fuel to that fire. 

However as a man, you have to weigh and balance what you think is right for greater good of the entire family as a whole despite criticisms and objections from various other partys, including your wife. 

You have to look at the bigger picture and do what you think is best for the greater good of all involved and that includes your family of origin. Yes, it is a balancing act. Spend too much time and resources on your FOO and your wife may leave and take half your assets and children with her. 

Spend too little on your FOO and capitulate to your ballbreaking wife and your FOO may cut you off and write you out of the will etc. 

None of us can micro manage you or tell you exactly what you need to do and it would be counterproductive and contradictory for us to do so because the main thing you need to do here in the first place is to nut-up and do what needs to be done even if she huffs and puffs. 

It ain't easy and having aging parents and minor children at the same time ain't for puzzys. I went through this several years ago when my parents were sick and dying. It was hell. But each day you have to get up and do your best for the greater good of the big picture. There are days you stomp out more fires than get started. Other days something burns down while you're trying to stomp out several other fires. Some days you get chewed out by everyone. Some days you manage to keep some semblance of peace. 

What kept me going was knowing that some day I would be standing at the Pearly Gates myself and that my actions at that time would be one of the things that would be judged heavily. I would be judged heavily on how I took care of my parents in their time of vulnerability and need at the same time as my own children were young and needing my attention, care and support. 

I am sure I screwed a number of things up and did poorly on a number of things. But as I stand before the judgement of the Almighty, my testimony will be that I did what I thought was best for the entire family as a whole with what I had for resources and information and ability at the time. 

That really is all that you can do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And just so you know that I understand the pressure on you, when I was going through this, there were times that divorce was being seriously contemplated and discussed by both of us. 

There were definately times she accused me of spending too much time, attention and money dealing with my parent's affairs. 

There were times I had to tell my parents that I couldn't drop everything and come running when they called or when one was being sent to the hospital. 

And there were times I told my wife that I had to do what I had to do and her options were either pack up and go or shut up and stay, but either way i was going to do what I thought was right and I needed her to shut her hole and 
get off my azz whether she stayed or left. 

She was pi$$ed at the time and was disgusted that I would address her like that but in the end she complied.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Going on your past treatment of your wife I can understand her reluctance to have you disappearing alone for multiple hours at a time. You are still as supercilious as when you started posting here.
You’ve also brushed over exactly why your wife and father don’t see eye to eye. 
I told you three years ago that you have a superiority complex over your wife. 
You still have.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Have you previously had a habit of starting small and then going overboard where your parents are concerned? Are your parents a little demanding of your time since you married?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jdwino92 said:


> So my dad was diagnosed with Covid back in September and has been hospitalized and on a ventilator for much of that time and recently has gotten off and transferred to a rehab facility.
> 
> The long short of it is my wife has very negative feelings and experiences with my side of the family, including my dad. She feels as though they don't care about her and neglect her and have mistreated her. I won't say she doesn't have merit to her concerns and that I don't understand her feelings. They certainly have merit.
> 
> ...


As long as your family isn't suffering in some very real way by your spending time with your dad, quite honestly I don't think it's your wife's business to tell you how often to visit or for how long. I mean as long as it isn't bringing the family down financially or saddling her with all the responsibilities and chores and errands, she's out of her lane.


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Going on your past treatment of your wife I can understand her reluctance to have you disappearing alone for multiple hours at a time. You are still as supercilious as when you started posting here.
> You’ve also brushed over exactly why your wife and father don’t see eye to eye.
> I told you three years ago that you have a superiority complex over your wife.
> You still have.


I didn't brush over it, I just didn't think it was the most important aspect of the dilemma and it's a little hard to condense 10 years of history into a post


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't understand why she would be happy for you to go several times a week once he is home but not twice a week now? Is it a fair drive away or something? 
On the other why does he need to have someone with him there all the time?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

These are tough calls for sure.

Blood is often thicker than those shed, marital tears.

When your Dad passes, God Forbid, who will take over his business?

Is it profitable enough, or will it be sold for a tidy sum?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

This is your dad, only you and him get to define what's excessive. Imagine if you saw him less and then god forbid something happened. Time is one thing you can't get back. You can always get another wife, you can't get another parent.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Going on your past treatment of your wife I can understand her reluctance to have you disappearing alone for multiple hours at a time. You are still as supercilious as when you started posting here.
> You’ve also brushed over exactly why your wife and father don’t see eye to eye.
> I told you three years ago that you have a superiority complex over your wife.
> You still have.


Ok it makes sense, I just caught up. Yes it appears the wife is just so low on the priority list. 

OP. Maybe listen to the one who is speaking loudly and not asking us. The thing about women is, they will ask you to notice them, until one day they just go quiet. Your actions repeatedly show you’re here there and everywhere, always finding ways to connect and seek out other people and priorities. 

She will stop complaining one day. Sadly though, you’ll get what you always wanted. Her silence, distance and absence.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How old are your children? How many children are there? Does your wife work too? If you're already working 60-70 hours a week and then being away for the equivalent of an extra day a week, leaving her to handle everything else, I can see why she's resentful. Add in the fact that your family hasn't been good to her, I REALLY get it. She feels like you don't have her back.

Given all of the above, visiting a couple of times a week for an hour or so is acceptable. Anything more isn't.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> _*Understand that a woman's nature is innately self-serving. On a deep and instinctual level she wants ALL of your time, energy and money to go to her and her offspring. She can't help it, it's simply how she's wired and the fact that she has conflict with your side of the family adds fuel to that fire. *_


LOL.

I don't know what women *you're* talking about, but I don't know anyone who wants to cling to their husbands like grim death or dominate their time as much as they possibly can. Not ONE person, and that includes me.

Hell, I LOVED it when my ex wasn't home, and I mean that sincerely. I loved my "me" time and the last thing I wanted was to dominate his every move. Good Christ that's so *desperate*.

OP, you get ONE dad. Too bad if your whiny wife is unhappy with you visiting him in the hospital. Honestly, too damned bad if she doesn't like it. You sound like a 10 year old boy who's mommy keeps getting angry with him because you won't stay home and do your homework.

She's NOT your mother, OP. Tell her to stop *acting* like one.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You are going to do what you want to do, regardless of what your wife wants. Why are you asking about how to find balance when it isn't balance you seek but rather the magic words to get your wife to shut up? 

It's nice that you are so close to your daddy - do you think your own children will have that bond with you? Especially after your wife divorces you?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL.
> 
> I don't know what women *you're* talking about, but I don't know anyone who wants to cling to their husbands like grim death or dominate their time as much as they possibly can. Not ONE person, and that includes me.
> 
> ...


I am usually in agreement with you but not this time. 
Read the op’s previous thread, his attitude to his wife leaves a lot to be desired.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So I used to get mad at all the time my wife was spending with my ill MIL. 

She was ill and in and out of the hospital for maybe 10 years, and never in the area so minimum a whole day to go see her.

Like you, she wasn’t getting talked out of it. She went anyway when she felt like it. Towards the end it was a lot, sometimes multiple times a week and during the week as well as weekends.

It sounds like you already know what the deal is, you’re going to do what you want to whether she likes it or not. You may be doing this for years and years depending on his health.

So hopefully for your sake she is as tolerant of this as I was. The damage it would have caused to put my foot down would have been irreparable and I didn’t care that much.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have to do what you feel is right. Of course don't make her go but do visit your father, 4 hours per visit on top of keeping dad's business afloat seems unsustainable. If it's convenient have shorter but more frequent visits subsidized with video chat or calls.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> *Understand that a woman's nature is innately self-serving. *On a deep and instinctual level she wants ALL of your time, energy and money to go to her and her offspring. She can't help it, it's simply how she's wired and the fact that she has conflict with your side of the family adds fuel to that fire.


Excuse me while I throw up my breakfast.🤢🤮


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> As long as your family isn't suffering in some very real way by your spending time with your dad, quite honestly I don't think it's your wife's business to tell you how often to visit or for how long. I mean as long as it isn't bringing the family down financially or saddling her with all the responsibilities and chores and errands, she's out of her lane.


 while I run my dads business for him and work 60-70 hour weeks and barely see her and our 3 kids.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

when my dad passed away, the recurring thing i think of is how i should have visited him more often. at the end he was in a nursing home, and i only visited once a week....i should have been there a lot more often. 

once they are gone, there is no going back to change things!

your wife does sound stressed out though....is it about the holidays? maybe you can back off on visiting others a little...let her rest up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL.
> 
> I don't know what women *you're* talking about, but I don't know anyone who wants to cling to their husbands like grim death or dominate their time as much as they possibly can. Not ONE person, and that includes me.
> 
> ...


It’s not about her wanting him to physically be with her at all times.

She wants all of his labor, time and resources to go to her. 

She doesn’t like his family so she doesn’t want him expending any of his labor or resources on them.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It sounds like something's got to give. You are working your own job, looking after your father's business on top of that, and then visiting him regularly. You are stretched thin, and this leaves you no time and energy for yourself and your own family. 

Something has to give, and you don't want it to be your marriage. Is there anyone you can hire to work your dad's business for him? Is your dad expecting to get well enough to resume working, or will he be closing down the business? Is there any point to keeping it going for him? Do your siblings know how much of your time it is taking up? Maybe they can help out some.

Or, can you take a leave of absence from your own job for a while?

You want to be there for your dad, which is understandable. And you can't not be there for your family either, which is what you are doing now, and your wife feels the lack.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> It’s not about her wanting him to physically be with her at all times.
> 
> She wants all of his labor, time and resources to go to her.
> 
> She doesn’t like his family so she doesn’t want him expending any of his labor or resources on them.


His family doesn’t like her, it’s the other way around. Your comments about women lately 🤨


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I don’t understand why you’re married. If you dislike your wife and children, if you feel they are a burden getting in the way of your real priorities, do the right thing and divorce her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Excuse me while I throw up my breakfast.🤢🤮


Right? He’s basically saying women are trash and he should just ignore them. He probably gets upset when women work because it gives them too much confidence and self worth. I had to mute him, he’s vile.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Th


Luckylucky said:


> Ok it makes sense, I just caught up. Yes it appears the wife is just so low on the priority list.
> 
> OP. Maybe listen to the one who is speaking loudly and not asking us. The thing about women is, they will ask you to notice them, until one day they just go quiet. Your actions repeatedly show you’re here there and everywhere, always finding ways to connect and seek out other people and priorities.
> 
> She will stop complaining one day. Sadly though, you’ll get what you always wanted. Her silence, distance and absence.


Seems like this would be best for everyone. He has nothing but contempt for her. His family hates her. Everyone around her treats her like garbage. He’s saddled her with children and given her no support, she is trapped.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok it makes sense, I just caught up. Yes it appears the wife is just so low on the priority list.
> 
> OP. Maybe listen to the one who is speaking loudly and not asking us. *The thing about women is, they will ask you to notice them, until one day they just go quiet. *Your actions repeatedly show you’re here there and everywhere, always finding ways to connect and seek out other people and priorities.
> 
> *She will stop complaining one day. Sadly though, you’ll get what you always wanted. Her silence, distance and absence.*


OP, pay very close attention to what I bolded in this poster’s comments above.

Ask me how I know. Better yet, ask my husband.

As long as your wife is still complaining, you’ve still got a chance to make her your # 1 priority and salvage your marriage. When, she stops complaining, chances are, it will be too late.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Right? He’s basically saying women are trash and he should just ignore them. He probably gets upset when women work because it gives them too much confidence and self worth. I had to mute him, he’s vile.


With some men on this forum, it is easy to see why their marriages are in the crapper.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> With some men on this forum, it is easy to see why their marriages are in the crapper.


It really is. I mean, he’s saying women are selfish because they don’t ALSO only care about him. So to him, marriage is one-sided and all about the man. No wonder he’s here. I mean, I have problems,I’m certainly not perfect and I’m clearly insane. But I’m at least sentient enough to realize if you treat someone like crap they’re prolly gonna give as good as they get, right?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It is difficult, if not impossible, to determine nuance when reading a post on a forum. Not entirely impossible, but it can be challenging. The ignore feature is available if you don't want to see what a particular person is posting. I don't think calling those who respond "toxic assholes" is going to help you get particularly constructive feedback. And since you find this forum "toxic and horrible" it might be better to find another forum.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

How did your counseling from 3 years ago work? It seems you frequently don’t have the time or attention for your wife. 

Family obligations start with marriage. Your spouse comes first. You say it isn’t fair that she expects your time and energy. But it seems you are putting many hours toward the business and toward the visiting. 

How much time is this leaving for your own young children and wive?

Certainly when emergencies happen thing change but there is also such thing as too much.

If a spouses love tank is full it is easier to weather the storm. How long has the working and constant visiting been going on 3 months? 2 months? When is the projected end date? 

Will your father even be able to take back over the business? Is it physical? Most who have been on ventilators their lungs are shot and suffer from constant fatigue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have some questions. 

How old are your children?

Does your wife have a job or is she a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?

You say that you work 60-70 hours a week at your job and then you are running your father's business. How many hours a week are you spending running your father's business?

You mention your extended family. How many other family members are there? Are your parents married? Do you have siblings? If so, how many?


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I have some questions.
> 
> How old are your children?
> 
> ...


Children are 6, 4 and 2. Wife stays at home and homeschools. I'm working about 60-70 hours a week and it's a family business , my dad and I run it together but with him out of commission I'm pulling double duty. Before this I was working about 50 hours a week. I always take weekends off 

We don't have a good support system. Her mom is good but her dad is completely out of the picture. My mom is ok but she also has health issues. No grandparents or siblings of hers or ours are involved or helpful. Basically despite most of our family living close, they are all useless except my mom and hers and my mom has health limitations.
Also my wife is 15 weeks pregnant 

I'm not trying to leave the house multiple days a week to see him, this past weekend was an exception because my step mom was burnt out and asked me and my sister to come visit him over that timespan more often


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> How did your counseling from 3 years ago work? It seems you frequently don’t have the time or attention for your wife.
> 
> Family obligations start with marriage. Your spouse comes first. You say it isn’t fair that she expects your time and energy. But it seems you are putting many hours toward the business and toward the visiting.
> 
> ...


We never got couples counseling, I did go to counseling on my own for over a year.

The visits just started this past week. The heavy work load has been for a little over two months now

I'm only saying I want to visit once a week for a few hours and she's ok with that but whenever emergencies or last minute things come up she's inflexible


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jdwino92 said:


> We never got couples counseling, I did go to counseling on my own for over a year.
> 
> The visits just started this past week. The heavy work load has been for a little over two months now
> 
> I'm only saying I want to visit once a week for a few hours and she's ok with that but whenever emergencies or last minute things come up she's inflexible


And are you still in communication with the OW?

why in the world did you two have a third child after the first two when you where having difficulties and the children were sleeping in your bed. She was having depression and anxiety from having the births so close together? Do you not know about birth control? Good lord I see she is pregnant again.

At least you have some share of this business. 
Being home alone for long stretches with 3 small children is insanely difficult yet alone being pregnant to boot.


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

It's cringe to call this person the "OW" , but not really. I mean outside very occasional interactions on Facebook posts, I don't pm her or talk to her at all.

My wife wanted more kids. We have worked on getting kids in their own beds except the youngest.

I'm not pressuring my wife to have more kids , if anything it would be the other way around.

I'm pretty sure I recognized in my OP my wife's frustrations and emotions are valid. Yeah it's tough. When there is a health emergency in the extended family though, generally everyone steps up.

My wife is mainly upset with the fact that she doesn't like my family and doesn't think my family likes her or pays much concern for her. It's to her unfair that we have to sacrifice for my dad
I understand her reasoning but I don't think it would be right to not be there for my dad in his vulnerable position out of that reasoning. As he gets better these dynamics between her and my family need addressed but now isn't the time to do that


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jdwino92 said:


> It's cringe to call this person the "OW" , but not really. I mean outside very occasional interactions on Facebook posts, I don't pm her or talk to her at all.
> 
> My wife wanted more kids. We have worked on getting kids in their own beds except the youngest.
> 
> ...


Yes it never seems to be the time to address the wife's issue does it?

You've mentioned several times your dad has done things to make your wife not like him. Yet you are in business with him. You say it's time for everyone to step up but have also said several members of your family aren't stepping up and aren't able to count on. 

Here's the thing. Just because others won't step up doesn't mean you have to fill in all the holes.

If you had addressed these issues earlier particularly what ever is between your wife and dad then this time would be easier. 

How are you helping your wife? You have a lot on your plate so have you thought of hiring some help temporarily? Have you hired a cleaner? or hired some help of some kind so she can handle the 3 children and being pregnant?
Have you asked anyone like family to take the kids for a few hours to give her a break?

You didn't answer how long you think this 60-70 hours a week will continue? 
You didn't answer if this business have a physical aspect?
Is there a season? Is it in or out of season right now?

ETA: you can say no to more children you know>


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your dad’s got quite a hold on you.

What’s his advice to you for a successful marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jdwino92 said:


> Children are 6, 4 and 2. Wife stays at home and homeschools. I'm working about 60-70 hours a week and it's a family business , my dad and I run it together but with him out of commission I'm pulling double duty. Before this I was working about 50 hours a week. I always take weekends off
> 
> We don't have a good support system. Her mom is good but her dad is completely out of the picture. My mom is ok but she also has health issues. No grandparents or siblings of hers or ours are involved or helpful. Basically despite most of our family living close, they are all useless except my mom and hers and my mom has health limitations.
> Also my wife is 15 weeks pregnant
> ...


Your wife is 15 weeks pregnant with your 4th child. She's a SAHM and homeschools. OK, she's in over her head. You are in over your head. She's not wrong. And you are not wrong for wanting to spend time and help your father.

I don't know what your father and other relatives did to your wife, but you seem to agree that they were not kind to her at the very least. How bad was it?

My take on this is that you both need to find a way to relieve some of the heavy load you both have. 

What sort of business does your father have? Just a general description would help. There might be a way you can unload some of that work load.

Can you afford to hire someone to help your wife with the kids and the house some?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Seems like if you were working a reasonable amount (40 hours per week)... maybe you could keep your wife and dad pretty happy.

Please forgive my callousness but was your dad vaccinated?


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Your wife is 15 weeks pregnant with your 4th child. She's a SAHM and homeschools. OK, she's in over her head. You are in over your head. She's not wrong. And you are not wrong for wanting to spend time and help your father.
> 
> I don't know what your father and other relatives did to your wife, but you seem to agree that they were not kind to her at the very least. How bad was it?
> 
> ...


I agree with your analysis , my wife read it and agreed too. Like she's not angry with me but we are just frustrated with the situation and trying to understand each other and figure out what to do.

So here's is the way my dad and my family have treated her and her own words : "they speak over me anytime we are together, they don't respect my wishes for my children or me in our marriage , like they act sort of possessive of you , and when I don't agree with something they are doing or believe they have compared me to my husbands ex's and implied I'm manipulative and controlling.Each time I give birth they pay all of their attention to the baby and don't ask how I'm doing, don't talk to me or see if they can help me with anything.His dad belittles him when he's not around, and have neglected our kids in various ways when baby sitting (not feeding, letting them get dehydrated and overheated to the point of basically having a heat stroke). In summary I don't feel respected or wanted, and I'm tired of people not listening to me regarding my children"

And I can't really dispute any of my wife's observations or feelings in any major way. I have some slight nitpicks and I would also say that this is all the negative, and it's not like there is zero positive experiences but they are usually overshadowed by the bad.

It is complicated by the fact that I run a family business with my dad. We run an automotive repair shop and I'm the lead tech. He's owned it for 30 years. With how good the pay is it isn't easy to just up and leave somewhere else.
Hopefully this provides more useful context.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you take on another mechanic for a while?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jdwino92 said:


> It is complicated by the fact that I run a family business with my dad. We run an automotive repair shop and I'm the lead tech. He's owned it for 30 years. With how good the pay is it isn't easy to just up and leave somewhere else.
> Hopefully this provides more useful context.


Could you clarify, do you only work at the business you and your father own? Or do you also have a job working somewhere else?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> Seems like if you were working a reasonable amount (40 hours per week)... maybe you could keep your wife and dad pretty happy.
> 
> Please forgive my callousness but was your dad vaccinated?


What would happen if you stopped trying to keep your dad happy? How does your life look to you where you are able to be free of your father’s needs and wants. Where you get to be an adult. A husband and a father first, and not a son. Would your dad understand that you’re no longer his child and you’re a man with a free will?

Or would he unleash and question and plead and demand and try to reel you back in. Pulling, clinging, until you’re caught again?

Do you never upset your dad? Has dad never accepted your marriage? Or does this situation benefit two men so much in some way, that the step-mum and your wife are relegated to a position where they serve a purpose?

If step mum is burnt out, she should see someone about that and the two of them together could organise themselves and get outside help. After all, they are married and they’re adults. Not helpless. Or maybe, just maybe… she’d also like her husband to herself, and to see a little less of you as well? 

Your Step mum can’t look after one sick spouse??? Yet your wife has 3 kids under 6, is pregnant, has a largely absent husband and she can keep going? Do you see the situation here for what it is? Now is this really true? Is step mum that burnt out (it seems like you and dad do the bulk of the business stuff) that you really really have to jump in and help? Or is that what you have to tell yourself, and us?

The boundaries of who is married to who are blurred here, and the parent-child roles need some looking into here. Your dad has a wife, and you have a wife. What is really going on here?


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Could you clarify, do you only work at the business you and your father own? Or do you also have a job working somewhere else?


It's my only job. We usually run it together but now I'm running it by myself


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Seems like if you were working a reasonable amount (40 hours per week)... maybe you could keep your wife and dad pretty happy.
> 
> Please forgive my callousness but was your dad vaccinated?


Well I hope to soon be back to a regular work schedule but it's a small family business. I'm looking to hire some part time help but the applications aren't exactly flying in atm.

He has a blood condition that his blood doctor told him to hold off getting vaccinated till more studies have been done


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> What would happen if you stopped trying to keep your dad happy? How does your life look to you where you are able to be free of your father’s needs and wants. Where you get to be an adult. A husband and a father first, and not a son. Would your dad understand that you’re no longer his child and you’re a man with a free will?
> 
> Or would he unleash and question and plead and demand and try to reel you back in. Pulling, clinging, until you’re caught again?
> 
> ...


You are really assuming a lot.

My step mom herself asked me and my two siblings to visit my dad and take care of things from Wednesday till Saturday because she's been at it for two months and needed a break. My dad also encouraged her to do that because she was definitely burnt out. she has a full time job too as well as kids herself

I'm not trying to keep my dad anything other than healthy. I've upset him many times trying to get him to respect my wife's wishes. My wife doesn't want pictures of our children published on social media. He has repeatedly not listened to this and I had a hard talk with him a month before he got sick , and he definitely wasn't happy with me. My wife comes first. But that doesn't mean I don't owe my dad anything. I definitely expect my other two siblings who aren't married with kids to step up and do more but they are also dealing with their own issues and have their own problems and immaturities.

Stop being so judgmental and making assumptions that are unfounded


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Jdwino92 said:


> You are really assuming a lot.
> 
> My step mom herself asked me and my two siblings to visit my dad and take care of things from Wednesday till Saturday because she's been at it for two months and needed a break. My dad also encouraged her to do that because she was definitely burnt out. she has a full time job too as well as kids herself
> 
> ...


Thank you, this very much clarifies that everyone has a lot on their plate, and the poor treatment of your wife. Pregnant with a fourth along the way, but your step-mother’s burnout was more important. Your step-mother demanded a break, and your father encouraged her to have this break. And you stepped up. It’s great, that they can rely on you.

And they themselves can make the demands of the other siblings, not you. Why are you expecting them to step up? Isn’t that also dad’s job? Ahhh! But their hands are also full!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

At the end of the day, adults do what they want to do. The calls you answer are the relationships you care about. Your father, your siblings, and your stepmother are more important to you than your wife and children. You can say over and over that the pregnancy was “her idea,” but at this point in medical science we’re pretty sure what causes pregnancy and unless she is in Cirque du Soleil shape you were awake and involved in that. Life is not something that just happens to you. You’re making choices, every day, and NOT choosing her. She is last, if she even makes the list.

Hopefully she realizes that you are never going to change and she can either stay and be miserable and lonely married to someone who is using her or she can pack up her children and try to find some happiness. I wonder how long she’ll be gone before you notice.


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

It must be fun being so calloused that when someone's father almost dies to just say "nah, screw you guys"

My wife is even appalled by that callousness

My siblings did step up. We all took a day, my sister and I took two days. It's not forever. It was a short term arrangement.

My family hasn't been great to my wife but unless I was going to literally cut them all out of my life, they are still my family and when emergencies happen it's the right thing to do to be there for family. My family was there for us when our daughter was in the hospital two years ago. Now, my family needs to learn to be less selfish during normal times and my dad needs to learn to not be offended by us raising our kids differently than he raised us, and to be respectful and make efforts with my wife. But the man is still my father and I'm not going to be some degenerate who isn't there for his parents when they are sick and need help. I'm not going to model that for my kids either.

I also do what I can to help my wife. I order takeout or delivery for her so she doesn't have to cook. I stay up till past midnight doing dishes and laundry and cleaning the litter box out - I don't skip doing my share of house duties just because I am working more. I watch the kids for hours on the weekend so she can either go out or have alone time up in our room.

So get off your high horse


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So then your problem is solved. Your wife has read the thread and thinks we are all wrong so you can now spend the time you deem needed without her. She'll stop being made at you. All is well.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So then your problem is solved. Your wife has read the thread and thinks we are all wrong so you can now spend the time you deem needed without her. She'll stop being made at you. All is well.


It’s interesting how that worked, isn’t it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jdwino92 said:


> REDACTED


I think you are in a very difficult position. Many have similar issues with caring for older parents while having their own children and it's hard. 
Try and find ways of taking the strain off like hiring a temporary mechanic, or taking on less work till he is able to go back to work himself. 

Your wife wants lots of children so presumably likes being busy being a mum and seems to be managing fine. You also seem to do your share of parenting even giving her a break from them on the weekend.(I bought up three children and never once had that!).



Spending a day with your dad after 2 months to give your step mum a break seems very reasonable. This won't last forever. Hopefully he soon won't need someone with him all day. 
Obviously as they get older things like this will happen more, and both of you may have to spend more time and energy with old parents. I have seen that happen with many people I know, but hopefully the children will be older by then.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jdwino92 said:


> So **** right off with your insinuations.





Jdwino92 said:


> so many of you are just toxic


Once again, I will suggest you dispense with calling people names and labeling them as "toxic." If you don't like the advice you are given, or you feel this forum is not helping you, then find assistance, advice, and feedback elsewhere.

If you don't like the answers, I'd suggest you don't ask the questions. Or use the ignore function.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Excuse me while I throw up my breakfast.🤢🤮





TexasMom1216 said:


> Right? He’s basically saying women are trash and he should just ignore them. He probably gets upset when women work because it gives them too much confidence and self worth. I had to mute him, he’s vile.


If your personal attack is an attempt to discredit me by implying that I don't think women should work (which has absolutely nothing to do with the thread) then how do you explain the 6000+ posts I have made over the past 4 years where I steadfastly advocate for women's personal, sexual, educational, financial and economic agency and autonomy??
Or how about the numerous posts I have made stating my wife is an educated professional who makes as much as and at times more than me??

But let's bring it back to the topic of the thread and my earlier posts. Since the root of my statement was that a wife and mother will want her husband's time, labor and money to benefit her family - does this mean that since you have reacted so strongly against assertion, does that mean that you believe women do NOT want their husband's time, labors and money to benefit the family and that you think they would want him supporting other people and other families instead??

It's ok to disagree with me and ok if you think I am mistaken on something. But at least identify your disagreement and state your position. 

Your personal attack at present has no validity because my prior 4 years of posting history completely refutes your assertion of me not wanting women to work(which has nothing to do with thread topic anyway) and you have not posed any counter-argument to my position.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Jdwino92 said:


> Well I hope to soon be back to a regular work schedule but it's a small family business. I'm looking to hire some part time help but the applications aren't exactly flying in atm.
> 
> He has a blood condition that his blood doctor told him to hold off getting vaccinated till more studies have been done


Sorry brother. Maybe your customers would give you a break on deadlines if they know your dad is sick?


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Jdwino92 said:


> So my dad was diagnosed with Covid back in September and has been hospitalized and on a ventilator for much of that time and recently has gotten off and transferred to a rehab facility.
> 
> The long short of it is my wife has very negative feelings and experiences with my side of the family, including my dad. She feels as though they don't care about her and neglect her and have mistreated her. I won't say she doesn't have merit to her concerns and that I don't understand her feelings. They certainly have merit.
> 
> ...


BS. SHE IS SELFISH. she should keep up Wifely duties, put her differences aside cuz died could die, family biz she has a role, cuz of you. You tell her how yoy feel, need, what you expect. Ask her why ypu feel unloved when she gets jealous. Yes she is jealous.


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