# Asking for some male input



## simple_girl (Mar 24, 2010)

Hubby and I have been together 10 years, both in our 30's, just had our second child and the sex life has been waning because we just had a baby. Now that everything is back in working order, tubes tied and ready to go, hubby is not interested. H is very affectionate with me, overly willing to help out with the kids, cooking, housework, but not in sex department. I have been working on myself and losing the baby weight with no acknowledgement of it. This is unusual as he has always noticed everything from me gaining/losing 5lbs, to changing my makeup or wearing a new outfit, he notices. I'm worried, warning signs have started to surface. Found a porn stash on his computer as well as a subscription to an online cam to cam site. I haven't asked about it .. yet. Also noticed a few weird numbers on his cell phone. I asked about one in particular as a passing interest and he gave me a very long and drawn out explanation about it being a wrong number. Should I be worried. The porn thing is not new, I have always known he has one. However the cam to cam site bothers me. As with the lack of sexual interest. I could use a guy's input. 
Thanks.


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

Sounds scary, honestly. You need to nip this in the butt now, in case something is going on. Because it sounds like there is. MIGHT NOT BE, hopefully not. But sounds bad. Sorry...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Put a keylogger on his computer and get daily records to his cell phone. He is cheating and you need to get proof before you can stop it.


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## sally702 (Mar 25, 2010)

i think u have to stop it now , dont wait for him to cheat ! get counseling.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

simple_girl said:


> noticed a few weird numbers on his cell phone. I asked about one in particular as a passing interest and he gave me a very long and drawn out explanation about it being a wrong number.


I've got no advice, but this reminded me of a funny story:

I went to a bar with a friend of mine for a few drinks one Saturday night. Home before midnight. It was a place I suspected my wife used to go to (among others) when she was frequently out w.hor.ing around with her wingwoman 'till 2AM one summer. No dancing here. The only reason she would have gone is to party with the boys. So she asks me where we went. I told her then innocently asked: "have you ever been there?". Took her 5 minutes of rambling (not an additional WORD from me) to finally decide the answer was "no, I haven't".


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

keylogger is the only smart move. Get the facts first - THEN talk to him.




simple_girl said:


> Hubby and I have been together 10 years, both in our 30's, just had our second child and the sex life has been waning because we just had a baby. Now that everything is back in working order, tubes tied and ready to go, hubby is not interested. H is very affectionate with me, overly willing to help out with the kids, cooking, housework, but not in sex department. I have been working on myself and losing the baby weight with no acknowledgement of it. This is unusual as he has always noticed everything from me gaining/losing 5lbs, to changing my makeup or wearing a new outfit, he notices. I'm worried, warning signs have started to surface. Found a porn stash on his computer as well as a subscription to an online cam to cam site. I haven't asked about it .. yet. Also noticed a few weird numbers on his cell phone. I asked about one in particular as a passing interest and he gave me a very long and drawn out explanation about it being a wrong number. Should I be worried. The porn thing is not new, I have always known he has one. However the cam to cam site bothers me. As with the lack of sexual interest. I could use a guy's input.
> Thanks.


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## negru (Mar 25, 2010)

So here is some input from me, a man. DON'T do the keylogger!!! I have been down that road. I have a similar problem with my wife loosing interest in sex after childbirth. It has been 5 years since birth and the sex drive has not returned. Over that time I became very resentful toward my wife. I started to blame her for things that were not her fault and simply refused to try and understand what she was going through. Eventually, I began to get very suspicious (for no particular reason) and I began to spy. I installed a keylogger, which gave me access to all of her passwords, browsing history, etc. Of course, this only fueled my jealousy because ANYTHING that looked even remotly looked suspicious to me, I took as a personal affront and further "evidence" that she had lost interest in me. I'm not a psycologist, but I know this is called "confirmation bias". 

Anyway, reading all her email, chat session, etc NEVER made me feel better even when it was clear that she was not being unfaithful in any way. The only thing that made it better was to communicate with her and let her know what I was feeling and why. I shared with her some of my innermost emotions that I never thought I would share with anyone. In short I laid my heart out to her, told her how I was feeling and why. I told her that I wanted to understand how she was feeling regarding intimacy. 

As it turned out, she was so sick of the unjustified jealousy that she was days away from leaving me. This was a real wakeup call. So my advice is COMMUNICATE with your husband. Asy yourself if there's anything in your past together that should make you suspicious of him now. If not, give him the benefit of the doubt and talk it out. If you're lucky, it may be the beginning of a deeper sense of understanding then you've ever previously had together. Thats my 2 cents...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree you have to communicate. That's my #1 advice. But this:

_Found a porn stash on his computer as well as a subscription to an online cam to cam site. I haven't asked about it .. yet. Also noticed a few weird numbers on his cell phone. _

is indicative of at least emotional cheating if not worse. As long as cheating is going on, your spouse will NOT communicate honestly with you - they have a whole other agenda now where they are getting their needs met by someone else. So with such signs, it's best to find out for sure before wasting your time; because if there IS cheating, you have to stop the cheating before they'll even care about fixing the marriage.


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## negru (Mar 25, 2010)

I hear you and during the years leading up to me finally confronting my emotions, I did things that I'm ashamed of. I never physically cheated, but sure, I "emotionally cheated". I've looked porn or at beautiful women and said "if only...", even went to a strip club once! I'm disgusted by this now, but I justified it at the time by thinking of that picture of the nearly naked guy that I found she was discussing with her girlfriends online or how she just sexually scorned me again. 

None among us is a perfectly virtuous spouse. He may have a whole other agenda, he may not. If you spy, you'll almost certainly find at least some reason to feel worst about the situation, but what does that prove and how does it help you move forward??!?! Marriage requires CONSTANT effort from both sides to make it work. Spying will only work against you. I KNOW!!!


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## simple_girl (Mar 24, 2010)

> So here is some input from me, a man. DON'T do the keylogger!!! I have been down that road. I have a similar problem with my wife loosing interest in sex after childbirth. It has been 5 years since birth and the sex drive has not returned. Over that time I became very resentful toward my wife. I started to blame her for things that were not her fault and simply refused to try and understand what she was going through. Eventually, I began to get very suspicious (for no particular reason) and I began to spy. I installed a keylogger, which gave me access to all of her passwords, browsing history, etc. Of course, this only fueled my jealousy because ANYTHING that looked even remotly looked suspicious to me, I took as a personal affront and further "evidence" that she had lost interest in me. I'm not a psycologist, but I know this is called "confirmation bias".



I agree with you negru about NOT installing a key logger. I am a suspicious person by nature, so for me it would probably do more harm than good. I am familiar with 'confirmation bias' and have been reading about the damage that overacting can easily cause. I know myself and I know snooping will likely cause me to use the smallest confirmation as ammo towards him. I am going to sit down and talk with him about my suspicions and ask for a reasonable answer as to the lack of sexual interest. I understand that having another child can put due stress on a marriage. I am not sure how to approach the situation of the cam site nor the phone call explanation. I don't want to blow things out of proportion and my H has never given me a reason to think that he would go outside of our marriage for emotion or intimacy. Does anyone have any ideas of how to address and bring up the website porn and weird phone call explanation to him? I appreciate your answers.


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## negru (Mar 25, 2010)

Good Luck! Be gentle! My opinion...I wouldn't necessarily bring up the porn or CAM sites, especially if you discovered those things by snooping...It will only make him think you don't trust him. Besides, those things are probably a symptom of deeper emotions, not the problem themselves. I never had to confront my wife on the things she was looking at on-line because once we talked it out, it was clear to my why she felt justified in looking at those things: I was treating her like garbage and it was better to have a private fantasy about someone else then it was to try and put up me. 

Interestingly, this whole thing started because I was so hurt by her loss of interest in sex and, in the end, all the things I did in reaction to this DROVE her further away and made far less desireable to her then before. That was an important lesson for me to learn.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You're not fertile anymore d/t tubes tied could be part of his lack of interest in you.

The porn and cams aren't an issue really.

The funky numbers on the phone and his godawful cover story are bad. I'd just run a keylogger and see what is up. Only respond to hard evidence of cheating.


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## simple_girl (Mar 24, 2010)

I still haven't talked to my H about the weird phone calls or the cam stuff, but I did do some research into the weird numbers on his phone. (I know bad idea, but I had to know) I called the three strange numbers and all but one are work-related. The last one I can't figure out. It's to a company out of state and it rings to man's vm. This is one he said was a wrong number. I am letting it go as I cannot find anything wrong with it. The loong drawn out story from him was odd, and I am still suspicious, but like I said, I'm this way by nature anyways. I'm trying hard to not look on his computer, he hasn't been on in a few days anyways and I did get H to agree to talk to me about the recent lack of sex. I am still very apprehensive about installing a keylogger. I really do think that would be a deal breaker here. I know I have already broken trust by snooping in the first place. Hoping for the best here...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Not a fan of the keyloggers...but also not a fan of long, drawn out explanations...


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## simple_girl (Mar 24, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Not a fan of the keyloggers...but also not a fan of long, drawn out explanations...


 I agree with you there. I still don't fully understand why he was so defensive about it. When I asked him initially, he said that is was a wrong number and that he didn't know why they would be calling him at this hour (it was around 6pm on a weekday) and that he is tired of people calling his phone only to find out that they are looking for the wrong person. He mentioned something about how he gets a lot of 'wrong numbers' calling him all the time. It just seemed odd. I did call the number again and as far as I can tell, it is a debt collection company. They will not give me specific information, however I did find out that H owes money for a 'bad debt'. I'm not sure for what. My suspicions say its a credit card debt and I am trying to gather as much information as I can about it. I do the budget every month so I asked him casually if he had any additional outstanding debts or new bills that we needed to take care of. He says no, but I wonder if it has anything to do with his recent online cam site subscription. I have an idea that he might be using a card that I don't know about...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Come on.

You're an adult. You know better. 

If you won't install the keylogger, AT LEAST get hold of his phone records.


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## Ebbie (Apr 13, 2010)

_I know you asked for a guys opinion but having experience with this I couldn't resist.
Honey, 
if you have to question if he is cheating on you then he is. The numbers that you have seen in his phone that you are not sure of why dont you try calling them and see what happens. Be ready for whatever the outcome is and I would ask him before you have the proof. Just sit down with him and voice your concerns and simply ask him whats going on and see what he tells you. then you guys can go from there on the matter. Good luck!_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could also TELL him that you are now going to investigate, give him one chance to come clean before you find the truth for yourself.


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## simple_girl (Mar 24, 2010)

Ebbie said:


> _I know you asked for a guys opinion but having experience with this I couldn't resist.
> Honey,
> if you have to question if he is cheating on you then he is. The numbers that you have seen in his phone that you are not sure of why dont you try calling them and see what happens. Be ready for whatever the outcome is and I would ask him before you have the proof. Just sit down with him and voice your concerns and simply ask him whats going on and see what he tells you. then you guys can go from there on the matter. Good luck!_



I called all the strange numbers in his phone. The first two were related to his line of work; nothing strange there. The third was to a collection company. All they WOULD tell me was that he has a 'bad debt' that is in collections. I am still trying to find out what it is. I looked at his phone (without him knowing) a couple of times since and nothing unusual. I'm still looking into the collection company...


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

I understand those who are saying that you need proof to confront him re: pornography or emotional cheating.

I personally believe that it would be better to confront him in order to talk about your relationship and how he seems to have lost interest. If you were to spy on him, as someone else said, you would cause bitterness and resentment on his end, and your ability to communicate would be shot.

On the other hand, if he's not willing to admit he's got a problem or be honest with you in this regard, there are other issues there besides communication and honesty.

I would wait a bit until you're calmed down and wouldn't be reacting to him to ask. Then, based upon his response, you could get counseling together or take some other type of action based upon his reaction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A person has a responsibility in marriage to be trustworthy. Given today's climate - and high number - of affairs, there's a good 50% chance people are cheating when there's an issue in a marriage. That means that, if you HAVE started actingin an unhealthy, untrustworthy way, it is your spouse's right and duty to snoop - to protect the MARRIAGE from your addiction. If it is just a momentary lapse, and you're a good person, you will welcome your spouse rescuing you from a lifetime of hell caused by this lapse in judgment.


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## simple_girl (Mar 24, 2010)

turnera said:


> A person has a responsibility in marriage to be trustworthy. Given today's climate - and high number - of affairs, there's a good 50% chance people are cheating when there's an issue in a marriage. That means that, if you HAVE started actingin an unhealthy, untrustworthy way, it is your spouse's right and duty to snoop - to protect the MARRIAGE from your addiction. If it is just a momentary lapse, and you're a good person, you will welcome your spouse rescuing you from a lifetime of hell caused by this lapse in judgment.


I really battled with myself on the issue of snooping into my H's privacy. I'm not so sure I would recommend it to others. Yes, I can see your point Turnera that you should snoop to protect the marriage, but I feel that sometimes it just damages the trust even more and for me I think it would make it harder to rebuild that trust if it were broken. What if your spouse caught you looking into their personal things? How would you recover from that? What if they caught you snooping and your actions were not warranted. To me, I think this would be worse..


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## simple_girl (Mar 24, 2010)

On that note though, I DID snoop and I feel terrible about it because I cannot find anything conclusive. 

Tried talking with H again about the lack of sex. We had sex 2 times the same night and since then, nothing. I do feel like we got to rekindle the flame that is still there. I am hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. 

Is that bad?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what was his answer?


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