# Advice and help please...



## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

Hi Folks

Boy. Where to start.

I started posting on TAM a while ago about my problem - I am a breast cancer survivor of 5 years, and the drugs I have had to continue to take have made me put on weight over the years. Because of that, over time, my partner (not married but together 10 years) lost all sexual attraction to me, and with that went a lot of other connection, intimacy, etc.

This all came to a flashpoint about 3 weeks ago (ironically, now that I have lost a lot of weight and am doing well with it) when my partner admitted to an EA. We have both gone into IC and agreed to MC which we start in about a month. As part of this agreement to work on ourselves and the relationship, he agreed that he would cease all contact with the OW.

My gut told me that he hadn't, and I was right. This morning, I snuck a look at his phone. Not only has he not ceased contact with the OW, he appears to be making plans to meet up with her soon. He also appears to be instigating another EA with someone else at work.

Right now I'm feeling like I want to confront him and boot him out. I can't trust him, can I? And this is no basis for starting R.

Thing is, I don't want to admit I looked at his phone. But how do I confront knowing what I know without revealing my source?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you want to confront him: Tell him you recently were made aware that his EA was not over. (it's true - not a lie) 

Tell him you will not reveal your source and ask to see his Fb, email accts, and his phone immediately. 

But you may want to gather more evidence. 

If you confront him insist on seeing the phone, Fb, etc immediately. Tell him he has 10 seconds to make up his mind or plan for divorce. Plan on hearing lies from him but don't accept them. 

Edit: saw you are not married. Tell him to leave and take his krap - you have enough to deal with without having to put up with more aggravation.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> If you want to confront him: Tell him you recently were made aware that his EA was not over. (it's true - not a lie)
> 
> Tell him you will not reveal your source and ask to see his Fb, email accts, and his phone immediately.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Have you asked him why he is not longer attracted to you?
Are you attracted to him?
How was the relationship when you were dealing with cancer? 
Do you love him? DO you think you can survive this and make your relationship stronger?
Does he know what an EA is? DOes he know that seeking an EA has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with his own issues?

There are a lot of things you should consider before making a decision. How has be been overall? 
One month is not a long time to wait for counseling if it will save your relationship. 
He does need to be aware that his actions are hurting you.
If he is condescending perhaps you should start thinking about a life without him in the picture.
Good luck


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Your partner has been very selfish. I am sorry for your cancer and happy for you at the same time.

I know this is very difficult for you and you have been dealt some very rough cards. It's how you play your hand that counts.

I am not justifying his EA(s). You need to talk to him. I when I say talk to him. You need to tell him how you feel. You need to tell him how he has hurt you. You need to tell him you appreciate him being there for you, but you also need to tell him that he really hasn't been there for you. He left you emotionally. You wanted him to be your rock but he just left you.

Tell him you know it was tough for him but you have lost respect for him. If he cannot be the man that he was meant to be then you can't be with someone you don't respect.

Be firm. Be strong. Show him the door. You have no chance of reconciling if you aren't willing to lose him.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Your friend gave you the information and you are not revealing your source.

You are not married, have him leave. Do the 180, go NC and do not respond to him.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Suppressed said:


> Hi Folks
> 
> Boy. Where to start.
> 
> ...


For my money your partner's deceit and broken promises trump any consideration of his "privacy" or your "snooping" on his phone. Don't reveal your source now if you feel you can't, but it will come out eventually (in MC perhaps). He'll say he was only in contact with her in order to break it off and that you are untrustworthy for spying on him, or some such rubbish. Don't let him turn this around on you--you are the victim of his deceit, not the other way around.


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

Philat said:


> Don't reveal your source now if you feel you can't, but it will come out eventually (in MC perhaps)... Don't let him turn this around on you--you are the victim of his deceit, not the other way around.


Yep, exactly right. It came out, and he did exactly that. I was prepared for that though. What I call "The Flip" is a well-practised MO of his that I am quite familiar with.

ETA - Update. I kicked him out. Or tried to. He wouldn't go. I'm doing the 180. I'm about to go away for work for a couple of weeks and I'm going total NC. Doing 1st MC when I get back.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Why do you need to tell him anything? He hasn't told you anything, so it's even. Show the inconsiderate SO the door and keep getting heathy. He's the dead weight.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Suppressed said:


> My gut told me that he hadn't, and I was right. This morning, I snuck a look at his phone. Not only has he not ceased contact with the OW, he appears to be making plans to meet up with her soon. He also appears to be instigating another EA with someone else at work.


This way is his way of doing R? I would call it cruel. 


> Update: I kicked him out. Or tried to. He wouldn't go. I'm doing the 180. I'm about to go away for work for a couple of weeks and I'm going total NC. Doing 1st MC when I get back.


He wouldn't go? Do you own the house or do both of you? 

I would VAR his car and your bedroom while you are away. . 

He is showing no remorse whatsoever.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If the A has not stopped or if he has not come clean I would say MC would be a waste of time.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

People react in strange ways when faced with the health concerns of their loved ones. I'm not sure this is the case. Do what you need to do to remain healthy and strong. Even if it means removing him from your life.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Agree with all suggestion here.

The guy is an a$$ of the greatest degree.. Seek out legal advice on what you can- cant do or have

Then shine up toe cap and insert in his butt


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