# Lack of sex



## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

*UPDATED ON PAGE 2*

A little history:

My husband (now 38) and I (now 29) met online and we were friends for two years before it became romantic. We dated, followed by living together, and got married (this took another two years, four years in total). We have been married for 6 years as of last August. 

When we first got together it was a long-distance relationship so every chance we got we made love, even when we were apart webcams and phones...you get the idea. We were very intimate. 

After we started living together it was different, as we were always around one another so it wasn't so frantic and passionate and built up. Still, I think 4-6 times a week isn't bad. After 2 years, around the time we got married, it had dwindled off to 2-3 times a week; I wasn't thrilled about it but it was okay. I figured it was an age thing and it wouldn't taper to less than twice a week.

Fast foward to now, he hasn't touched me in MONTHS. The last time we had sex was about 4 months ago. At the begining of December we took a weekend away and we didn't have sex then, either. I would love to initiate, but every time I have tried that - since the begining of our relationship - it has failed, it turns him off. He is very dominant, which I am totally fine with as long as he initiates because this is really upsetting me. 

Am I being unreasonable?

Editing to add: Generally back rubs and massage work to kind of "signal" to him that I am in the mood, but I never stopped giving him that 3-5 times a week, yet the sex still isn't happening. I also invested in some cute little outfits and tried strutting around as well as going to bed in my birthday suit. Nadda.

His day goes kind of like this: Wake up in the morning, go to work, come home from work, eat a quick dinner, log in to online game for 4 hours (starting to hate that game), have a little something to eat, get a massage from me, read his comic books, and go to sleep. It is like he isn't interested at all. What am I doing wrong? How can I tell him this is a big deal to me without sounding super selfish (because that is how I feel)?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You're not being unreasonable and at age 38 it is not an age-related issue.

Could be some kind of physical problem though (diabetes, ED, etc.)

Worth insisting on a checkup at a doctor's office.

And broaching the lack of sex in a sensitive way is a healthy kind of communication to have with your spouse.

That it bothers him to even talk about it is significant.


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

He just had a checkup not too long ago and I read his letter from his doctor. He is healthy, save for a back problem he has had since birth (hence the massage, that and its his turn on). 

I just wish I knew what was wrong with me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't presume there is something wrong with you.

Reading his comic books? Seriously?

You need to have a talk with him, a real constructive one.


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

I just don't know how to have that talk with him without making him feel threatened or like he is doing something wrong. I don't want him on the defensive. I am not good with confrontation, at all.

As to the comic books, he has been reading those since I have known him. Doesn't bother me. Just like his ultra gaming doesn't bother me. Well, they don't bother me if I think they aren't getting in the way of our time together. Probably more accurate. I usually read while he is reading, I just stick to books. But if I thought even for a second that he wanted me, that book would be tossed aside, fast!

I really love him, I truly do. I used to think I would do anything for him and I felt lucky. When I thought something would make him happy I was happy to do it for him, and he was the same with me. Was. This is ruining things for me and stressing me out, I find myself resenting him and my self-esteem is hitting rock bottom.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Why? I would love to get that kind of attention somethings wrong? either mental or phiscally. you should not have to work that hard to get it. sometimes us men have too but you shouldnt have too.


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## KortneyLuv (Jan 13, 2011)

I have to say that Ive been in a relationship for 7 years not married yet and we have one kid. The sex was gone for 3-4 years now, and its worse than ever now. He doesnt want to talk about it, I know for a fact hes not cheating (never has time anway) and it hurts me so much. He brushes it off and tells me he loves me.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Everyone and every situation is different.

As a man, I personally i would say if i was having a physical problem i would eventually want it addressed (overcoming any embarassment). But if in addition there is some depression or even said condition makes him simply uninterested, he could feel balanced and not missing a thing. In stead of simply wondering whats wrong *i going to suggest you need to focus your attention on making him understand this is not a good situation and not healthy for the sustainability of your marriage*.

If you can convince him to take some action such as a complete evaluation by a doctor and then whatever is recomended after that, prescrptions, counseling, whatever it is, he'll do it for your relationship.

Seems by reading around and talking to people most people have an imbalance in how often they need sex. Its an EXTREMELY important component to relationship and i always thought it was men who suffered that women wanted it less, but seems it goes both ways.

Definately get him checked medically, tesosterone levels etc.


goood luck


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## KortneyLuv (Jan 13, 2011)

It can also mean hes into his own way of thinking, porn, women, whatever


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

*Betty* said:


> A little history:
> 
> My husband (now 38) and I (now 29) met online and we were friends for two years before it became romantic. We dated, followed by living together, and got married (this took another two years, four years in total). We have been married for 6 years as of last August.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

gregj123 said:


> Why? I would love to get that kind of attention somethings wrong? either mental or phiscally. you should not have to work that hard to get it. sometimes us men have too but you shouldnt have too.


I don't think anyone should have to work hard to get attention from their significant other. I think it should come naturally in a loving, caring relationship. That is why I never stopped giving him his back rubs, I know how much he enjoys them.


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

KortneyLuv said:


> I have to say that Ive been in a relationship for 7 years not married yet and we have one kid. The sex was gone for 3-4 years now, and its worse than ever now. He doesnt want to talk about it, I know for a fact hes not cheating (never has time anway) and it hurts me so much. He brushes it off and tells me he loves me.


We don't have children. I know some people experience a drop in sex once they enter the picture for one reason or another, but we don't have that excuse. 

I know he doesn't cheat (also no time) and whenever he works overtime he does so from home and his computer is right here in the livingroom. I know he occasionally looks at porn (don't we all?), but we are talking more of a once a month browse, unless he is browsing from work, which I highly doubt (he is not in a cubicle). 

I hope you find out what is going on with your man. I hate the not knowing, but I am afraid to ask.


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

63Vino said:


> Everyone and every situation is different.
> 
> As a man, I personally i would say if i was having a physical problem i would eventually want it addressed (overcoming any embarassment). But if in addition there is some depression or even said condition makes him simply uninterested, he could feel balanced and not missing a thing. In stead of simply wondering whats wrong *i going to suggest you need to focus your attention on making him understand this is not a good situation and not healthy for the sustainability of your marriage*.
> 
> ...


As a male, then, can you tell me how you would not instantly go on the defensive when your wife brought up that conversation and suggested you visit a doctor? I really don't want to stress him out by picking a fight and I am very afraid that is what this will turn into. After that I am afraid that when he touches me I will wonder if it isn't an obligation, to get me off his back about it. That is why I haven't said anything to him yet. I want to make love with him as something we *both* enjoy and desire, not out of some sense of duty.


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

KortneyLuv said:


> It can also mean hes into his own way of thinking, porn, women, whatever


As I said, porn browsing is minimal (I look/read more than he does), no time for an affair. I can't imagine that he just has no sex drive at all


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As far as I know, testosterone level checking isn't part of a "normal" physical. So even though he got a clean bill of health, it may not mean much in this case.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and as far as how to talk to him without him going on the defensive... Sometimes, you have to bite the bullet and say what's on your mind. Even if it's uncomfortable or painful to hear. 

Or you could do like I did, and let it sit and fester for a long time, and then have it wreck your marriage. Your choice... Seriously, this is one thing I've learned in the last few months... Many things are best dealt with early, rather than leaving to talk about with resentment and frustration. That's a much more painful discussion to have at that point.

C


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't confuse he being "dominant" with how he reacts to you wanting intimacy. His avoidant behavior is not based on dominance.

You have to express to him directly that the lack of intimacy in your marriage is a problem that must be resolved.

If he is unwilling to fix things or denies there is a problem, point out the rate of sex, and your need to be intimate.

And if he still reacts defensively or with anger, insist on marriage counseling and that he get checked out by a physician.

This is where things get dicey.

If he refuses, he needs to know the price, your line in the sand.

Then act on it according to how he reacts.

99.99% of married men in their 30s desire intimacy with their wife. And they also know their wife wants some too.

To act like it is not so or that he should dole out intimacy on such a pitiful timetable is wrong.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind that if you're going to make a line in the sand, you need to be ready to enforce it. If you don't, you'll weaken your position even more.

C


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

take away his gaming jst J/K unless your ready to put your foot down !!! maybe if you stop offering it he'll start wanting it ,,,, jst saying ...


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

*Update*

So, I talked to him. Result? 

He was blunt with me, on the verge of cruel, even. There really is no nice way to say it, though, I suppose. He said we aren’t having sex because he doesn’t love me and he isn’t sure he ever did. He married me because everyone expected it (we were good together, our families get along great, and I clearly love him), and he was comfortable with me. He allowed himself to think we might be happy in a life together, and said that he couldn't have asked for a better, more attentive woman to be with. I wish he had chosen not to gamble with my heart on the line.

Apparently this realization of his came when an ex girlfriend contacted him. They aren’t getting back together or romantic or anything (he just deleted her mail without reading it, out of some strange sense of duty and loyalty to me), but he said that the intensity and excitement he felt just seeing her name in his inbox made him wonder why he didn’t feel that with me. 

That is what started the whole thing. 

I don’t understand. I realize that people tend to forget the bad parts of previous relationships, it dulls down over time, you forget the smell of the person, their voice, the exact color of their eyes; and some people romanticise things and gloss over. But to end a marriage – to someone who very clearly loves you and dedicates herself to making you happy – because you don’t feel that spark or butterflies in your stomach? What is that?! 

I am just floored. I don’t know how to respond to it. I don’t know what to do. I feel completely lost and alone. I told him to please pack a bag and go stay at a hotel for a while. I am so pathetic, he is gone and I cuddle with his pillow. I want to call him and tell him to come home. I just want him to hold me and tell me this is all a bad dream. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me and why he doesn’t love me. 

Sorry, I am not meaning to ramble. I just don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Thanks for letting me vent.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He's rewriting history and downplaying what is going on with the girl who wrote to him.

I wouldn't believe for a minute that he didn't read the note.





*Betty* said:


> *Update*
> 
> So, I talked to him. Result?
> 
> ...


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

Naive, maybe, but I believe him. I know him. He may not love me the way I love him, but I know he at least respects me and cares for me in some way. He wouldn't have an affair as it would be beneath him, and it would be rude to me.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

KortneyLuv said:


> It can also mean hes into his own way of thinking, porn, women, whatever


That would actually be a positive sign.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

*Betty* said:


> Naive, maybe, but I believe him. I know him. He may not love me the way I love him, but I know he at least respects me and cares for me in some way. He wouldn't have an affair as it would be beneath him, and it would be rude to me.


It's time for him to defecate or vacate the facilities. 

If he's this committed to the idea of a sexless marriage, then no matter what other feelings you have for him this isn't going to work out.

BUT . . . sometimes you just need a wake-up call to knock things into perspective. If an email from his ex stirred up powerful feelings, then go visit a friend in another town for a few days and send him an email explaining that you need to think about things, and that after his hurtful response -- which you appreciate for his honesty -- you aren't certain about your future together. And when you go, take the data cord from his computer and/or router, so that he has a few days without distraction to think about how life would be without you.

One way or another, you'll find some resolution that way. And it's just possible he might re-think his position, once he realizes what he will be missing. If not, there are plenty of other guys out there.


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