# Great... a fight....



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok... we just had a fight... 

I did as she asked, printed out my two threads, she was pissed.

Kept asking me WTF was wrong with me. I went at her going "What do you mean WTF is wrong with me?! You told me I'm insensitive and so I wanted to fix it"
Then she accused me of thinking too much again, and sabotaging our marriage over one little thing she said and I was like "WTF?!" Then she accused me of acting last night and that it wasn't real, and I told her I NEVER lie about how I felt about her and she should know what I did came from the heart. Then she was sarcastic and told "Oh it's SOOO from the heart alright... you've been planning this like your little game", and I went off at her doubting what I did last night and asked her WTH is going on because last night was ANYTHING BUT A GAME.

Then she ridiculed me at my thread on the ladies lounge, bringing up all the times I wasn't so tough, including a hurtful comment that I poured my heart out for her to come back after she dumped me on our 2nd break up (We broke up on and off when we were dating, me first, then her, then me, then her, etc - it was routine). I responded harshly, told her I'm proud of who I become despite where I came from, and asked her very simple, "Are you going to f--king disrespect who I am just because I've tried to be more human and f--king compassionate towards you?!". She shut her mouth... F--king b--ch.

But it didn't stop she went on about me disrespecting her, about how I took one comment of hers and took it out of context, and that I look at her as some sort of weak-willed little girl. I couldn't say anything back... what could I say?!?! She then told me that I hurt her so much more then anything I've said to her so far. FFS she's TOO PROUD.

WTF IS THIS?!
So I become an a$$hole she thinks I'm insensitive, then I try to be f--king nice and this sh-t happens?! Told her that, and ended it by telling her "You know what?! Get f--king lost!" and slammed the door.
THIS IS F--KING RIDICOLOUS!

I'm the one on a f--king pink marriage forum trying to make life better for her and dealing with all my flaws so I can be a better husband and she throws this sh-t at me?! Hell I'm so p-ssed off right now...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't know if she can trust it, maybe.


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> *I'm the one on a f--king pink marriage forum* trying to make life better for her and dealing with all my flaws so I can be a better husband and she throws this sh-t at me?! Hell I'm so p-ssed off right now...


:lol: sorry. The pink marriage forum comment cracked me up.

Im not very familiar with your back story, but it sounds like she enjoys living in her own little world. While I take this as a rant that requries no "help", as it were, I have a suggestion for you.

Live your own life. That was the one step in my manning-up that made my wife pull a 180. If she wants to believe that you are filled to the brim with hidden agenda's, let her. Dont set her straight. You are only half a message, the sender. She is the other half, and while you need to be clear and concise in your wording, she is responsible for properly understanding you, and if she doesnt. tough, youve already proven yourself by posting on this pink forum.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, f--k it.

I'm the one who's here, she's not, I'm the one who's trying to make things better, and she accuses me of sabotage. F--K IT!!! Not even going to deal with her today, she REALLY crossed the line. I may have charged a few trenches but she decided to do a DOG MOVE and bomb me with artillery.

Hell right now I hate her guts so much... not even going to bother making up or even allow her to make up. I'm done with her for today. F--K HER!


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Never argue. State your feelings and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, I've opened my heart for her, and if she whines about me hardening my heart PFFFT! You reap what you sow yes?

Funny... I sacrificed my loyalty to my people FOR THIS CRAP! Should just take my kid and leave her out to rot. HELL ok... I think I should calm down before my anger gets the better of me... F--K!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell is there a way to unplug the landline of the house? That stupid p---head is calling her mum whining about me. I'm about to punch in a hole in the door.


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, I've opened my heart for her, and if she whines about me hardening my heart PFFFT! You reap what you sow yes?
> 
> Funny... I sacrificed my loyalty to my people FOR THIS CRAP! Should just take my kid and leave her out to rot. HELL ok... I think I should calm down before my anger gets the better of me... F--K!


Yeah dude, mellow out and read this later on.





If *you* sacrificed your loyalty to your people for her, then you have only yourself to blame. Maybe its time to pull the plug and move on.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

To those of us who are color-blind, its gray, and not pink, if it helps any.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

F--k my avatar, just removed it... so sick of this.

Hell if some random a$$ tries to start something with me I tend to just laugh but when I try to be nice to someone and they spit it out in my face... no, my temper can't take care of that.

Damn b-tch really. If she's trying to challenge me whether I can rip out everything we have accomplished in our marriage then she'll be in for a f--king surprise. NO ONE f--ks with me like this.

But yeah... I should mellow, I'm mellow enough not to break anything for now, but d--n if she dared to throw something at me again... hell I HATE HER... I F--KING HATE HER


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

If she is challenging you, like you say, it sounds like she wants the marriage to be over, but doesnt have the testicular fortitude to follow through with it herself. So she will push you until you do her dirty work.

Life isnt too short. Life is the perfect amount of time. But that doesnt mean you should be in misery for any serious length of it.

Im not trying to egg you on, but you have been on this website for 11 months, and you have been trying to build yourself/ her/ the marriage for this amount of time at least. If she isnt willing to accept change, and she continues to be this b!7ch you describe, take your kid and move out. Try a seperation on for size. If it fits, great. If not, she will _hopefully[/] acknowledge that your a man and wont take any more crap._


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My mother in law just called me and told me to forgive her, and that she's being childish. Ok WTF?! This day is just getting weirder... she's the LAST person I would want advice from and she tells me this?! Meh I'm going for a drive


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

Your wife has obviously been talking to her mother about the issue, and your Mother in law would seem to be on your side. Thats a good sign.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Has your wife ever treated you with kindness and respect?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Your wife takes the piss out of you and you don’t like it big time. It’s always the case, those that give it out can’t take it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^ WTF is that supposed to mean?!

You think I have EVER, SPAT IT OUT IN HER FACE whenever she tried to make up to me?!

So OK, the next time she makes up to me, I'm going to go off at her attempt, accuse her of being insincere, ridicule her, and tell her to shove her plans up her a$$!! Because hey, that's who I am isn't it AFEH? Is that what you think?

BRILLIANT! You are such a great help!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Even I, being a self-confessed a$$, knows that there are lines you simply don't cross.

Same reason I don't demand or force sex on her EVEN IF SHE DEMANDS IT FROM ME.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Imagine you’re a bully in the school playground and you keep hitting this other kid (analogous to taking the piss). One day the kid turns round and slams you so hard he breaks your nose. Do you have any right to b!tch about it?

That’s what I see your wife doing. She’s fighting fire with fire, mirroring your behaviour either consciously and deliberately or accidentally. Now you don’t like that behaviour one little bit but you are still not getting it!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Even I, being a self-confessed a$$, knows that there are lines you simply don't cross.


Right. So it’s ok for you to cross your wife’s boundaries but it’s not ok for her to cross yours.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Same reason I don't demand or force sex on her EVEN IF SHE DEMANDS IT FROM ME.


I gave you my view on that. Stop taking the piss out of her and maybe she’ll feel more secure and stop demanding sex.

You would have had to stop taking the piss for at least a month for there to be any effect at all. It would have taken your wife that long to become aware of and appreciate what you were doing. But no, not you. Every time anybody told you to stop taking the piss you came back with reasons why you will continue.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You and I both KNOW SHE crossed the boundaries ALL THE TIME - don't deliberately leave that out, but even she was smart enough not to push it this far just as I knew not to push it too far.

So is this what it is? She feels bullied, and finally snapped? So she probably thought this was the perfect opportunity to pull it off eh? Right when she can p-ss me off the most by playing dirty.

Great... so why the hell is she telling me at the same time to stop thinking too much? And then telling me that I'm making too much of an issue over her saying that I'm insensitive?

Is she just f--king with my head?!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> You and I both KNOW SHE crossed the boundaries ALL THE TIME - don't deliberately leave that out, but even she was smart enough not to push it this far just as I knew not to push it too far.
> 
> So is this what it is? She feels bullied, and finally snapped? So she probably thought this was the perfect opportunity to pull it off eh? Right when she can p-ss me off the most by playing dirty.
> 
> ...


:rofl: That's a lot of what taking the piss is about. Not nice is it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hate to admit now actually but I am somewhat impressed...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Work on getting to a place within yourself where your behaviors and actions are congruent with what you're about and/or who you want to be. Coming from a more centered place, you can then also demonstrate to others how you expect to be treated, in part through how you treat them.

It's one thing to take the piss (which _can_ be silly banter), it's another to disregard her feelings or push for the sake of pushing. So now she's done this with you (her comments about the Ladies Lounge thread) and you're royally pissed off as a result. AFEH is a wise owl.

As for her suggesting that you're potentially jeopardizing your marriage by blowing her comment out of proportion well, I can't help but wonder if perhaps you're creating or feeding drama that doesn't need to be there, perhaps because you thrive on it? 

If you were approaching this from the perspective of learning more about yourself, then her actions would almost be irrelevant at this stage. There's a lot of opportunity here for self-growth.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Hate to admit now actually but I am somewhat impressed...


You are dependent on a massive VALUE in piss taking to the point of addiction. It is one of your CORE VALUES and GOLDEN RULES. Personally I think you are so addicted to it that I can’t see you letting go of it so you will always have the problems associated with it.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds like a very volatile situation, and it probably needs to come to an end.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Sounds like a very volatile situation, and it probably needs to come to an end.


Yea, I would think it's a horrible cycle to live in. Not healthy at all.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Ask yourself what is your payoff for continuing to live like this? You sound angry and fed up, so move on. Life is to short.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

It sounds like a total train wreck. Do you really think this can ever be a healthy relationship?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sounds to me like they both enjoy the conflict and that's why it continues.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Sounds to me like they both enjoy the conflict and that's why it continues.


Do they enjoy it? Or is it just what they know?

Some people seem to NEED drama. My (STBX)W had a way of stirring the pot. I didn't enjoy it - but I became accustomed to it.

I swear, my W can't handle peace and quiet. I think RD's wife sounds very similar. Although I'm trying to be impartial - the whole situation sounds odd and I'm not real sure of what role RD plays in this mess.

But there comes a point when you quit analyzing and just move on...


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Sounds to me like they both enjoy the conflict and that's why it continues.


I absolutely agree. I've read a lot of RD's threads and what seems to me to have happened is that the "playing" between him and his wife has got harder, and harder, and harder, until finally someone got hurt. In this case it was RD, but could just as easily have been the other way around.

Like the old adage says: "it's all fun until someone breaks their leg". I'd say they've reached that point. What happens next depends on whether they decide to change the game or not.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> I absolutely agree. I've read a lot of RD's threads and what seems to me to have happened is that the "playing" between him and his wife has got harder, and harder, and harder, until finally someone got hurt. In this case it was RD, but could just as easily have been the other way around.
> 
> Like the old adage says: "it's all fun until someone breaks their leg". I'd say they've reached that point. What happens next depends on whether they decide to change the game or not.


That's how my kids are in class. One boy hits another in a playful way, the other hits back "playing", then the first boy hits a little harder....owwww....and the other hits back harder...then it's a full brawl.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Sounds to me like they both enjoy the conflict and that's why it continues.


Thats why on the second page I asked him what was the payoff for continuing to live like this. 

There are payoffs for everything, even negative ones. I know some people have a hard believing that there are negative payoffs to their behavior but there are. 

An example might be: Not having to take responsibility for ones own actions/words. 

Thats a negative payoff. If I keep doing what I'm doing even though its wrong and non productive I don't have to do XYZ. Therefore it keeps them where they are. I mean after all, if one was truly tired of it all, they wouldn't still be in what they are in.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes... I agree, reluctantly but hey, it's the truth.

We've never had a peaceful relationship, since day one we have had people trying to split us apart, for years it's either my girlfriend at the time or her family or our friends or her church or my community. We are used to conflict, and when the external issues stop, the internal issues begin and we fight each other the same way we fought against the world together.

As for blowing her comment out of proportion, to me it's a bit of a pre-emptive strike. Same way we dealt with issues and problems others had we us, we struck first. The calm before the storm is like something bad is waiting to happen so hey, get it out and over and done with.

I don't think either of us knows how what it means to have a peaceful marriage, and even if we establish that eventually... it seems to just get us soft when we end up being forced to face the world.

I haven't been speaking to my wife ever since this, to be honest for the first time in a long time I have no idea how to handle this. I am confused, I can't even find the words to trigger a make up. I'm dumbfolded about what to do next.

But looking back... we have talked about this before, it's like sparring. We sharpen each other's blades on each other, then when the world tries to hate on us we hit hard to protect our family. I guess we're not the best example in terms of marital dynamics, I know it causes us pain, but one thing we will always fear is the world splitting us apart.

Now I want it to stop and she probably does too, but we're stuck. It seems our external issues and internal issues are more related then we wish to believe.

*sigh* I know a part of me wishes she's not of a foreign "race", or of a different religion, or of a different background, and she probably feels the same way too. Why we fight for this I have no idea, why I continue to love her no matter what she throws at me and why she continues no matter what I throw at her I have no idea.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh this is us:

Christina Milian- Us Against the World Lyrics *watch in hq* type in &fmt=18 at the end of url - YouTube

Yet the realities of it is not so pleasant is it?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Are you guys still in counseling? That would probably be the most logical place to work some of these issues about communication etc. out.....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This sounds like my marriage - but complicated with some social/religous issues.

As a Nice Guy - HER need for conflict was too much. The Drama drew me to her - to some extent. But overall - the conflict was too much.

And I'm sorry - but I don't know that you'll ever be able to change this.

I may be wrong - it happens. But I think you either live with the pain and learn to deal with it - or you end it.

ONE thing - TRY this - the next fight - let her go. Let her rant and rave and whatever it is that she does. Try to pretend it isn't you that's there - pretend its not you that's the target of her anger. Watch - watch as if you were having an out of body experience. Then later - ask yourself - what would you have advised "the husband" in this case to do?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Heh this is us:
> 
> Christina Milian- Us Against the World Lyrics *watch in hq* type in &fmt=18 at the end of url - YouTube
> 
> Yet the realities of it is not so pleasant is it?


I'm sure its a fantastic song - your life isn't a song.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It reminds me of whenever we go on holidays, we never fight, we never spar, it's just pure love. We become each other's bliss, then we get back to reality... and back to business as usual.



> Are you guys still in counseling? That would probably be the most logical place to work some of these issues about communication etc. out.....


We don't bring this up, this is a dynamic that very FEW PEOPLE will ever understand. It's something we only understand amongst ourselves. Like how we got a beer bottle thrown at us and our child, shattering itself but we shielded our daughter from it. Hell we even forgot about it until someone reminded me of it, because it's so NORMAL in our relationship where everyone hates us to the point she still complains about me slapping her hand whenever she tries to hold me in public.



> And I'm sorry - but I don't know that you'll ever be able to change this.
> 
> I may be wrong - it happens. But I think you either live with the pain and learn to deal with it - or you end it.


Guess that's easy, we're already living it lol



> ONE thing - TRY this - the next fight - let her go. Let her rant and rave and whatever it is that she does. Try to pretend it isn't you that's there - pretend its not you that's the target of her anger. Watch - watch as if you were having an out of body experience. Then later - ask yourself - what would you have advised "the husband" in this case to do?


If it's not me that was the target... to listen, let her unleash it upon me, and when she starts going in circles shut up her trap with an embrace.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

How many people like to have a peaceful life? 

A peaceful life also means a boring life to them! 

That's why a lot of people are pursuing excitement rather than peace. Excitement is more fun. 

Last year for a short period of time RD's marriage was peaceful and there were no fights, but then it was too boring for him. 

RD, a healthy marriage doesn't have privacy, they share everything together, everything is transparent, they don't have secret email accounts, they don't do things secretly behind their spouses. They don't play jealousy games. They don't think it is fun, they think it is not nice to make the other one feel jealous and hurt. 

Excitement and peace don't go together.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I like my boring, peaceful, smiling, laughing, chillin' life


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Please just tell me what to say to her because right now I'm clueless.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Say nothing. Do nothing. I think she's "on guard" right now, waiting for your next attack. It's tiring.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know... wll she be really be on guard with a lovey dovey fart of colorful butterflies outta me buttcheeks?

Darn a part of me just wants her to hit me like... now


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> If it's not me that was the target... to listen, let her unleash it upon me, and when she starts going in circles shut up her trap with an embrace.


This confused me. So - are you normally the target of her aggression? Or is she upset about other things and just venting?

And when you say you wish she would hit you - are you being serious? Literal?

I apologize - I know you have a long, deep backstory with some significant social issues that make this even more difficult - but I really haven't taken the time to go back and "research" your story.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Update... looks like we're on silent treatment phase. She asked me if I had anything to say to her (obviously waiting for an apology), I told her no (not going to indulge her in this way).

Regardless, it seems:
- She's p-ssed off that I see her as weak
- She's p-ssed off that I'm an insensitive jerk
- She's p-ssed off that what I did for her the previous night was a game
- She's p-ssed off that I apparently started this fight
And of course... most probably...
- She's p-ssed off that I'm a proud stubborn a$$
- She's p-ssed off that I've waited so long to deal with my insensitivity
And now of course... most probably
- She's p-ssed off that I didn't apologise to her just then

So now I have to think of a way to make up while dealing with all of the above... hmmm...

Ok... if I just go up to her and admit that I've been insensitive she's just going to jump at me for treating her like a little girl. So scratch that. Ok, alright I'm going to start it then by telling her honestly that she really showed me up the other night, and that I respect what she did, THEN admit to her that I've been insensitive. Ok, phase one planned.

Phase two... I'll let it flow, otherwise it'll be too planned and she'll see it. After that I'll apologise, for my behaviour, me being an a$$, and if I do it right, following the steps accordingly she might even apologise for what she pulled but I'll stop her when that happens. To be honest, if she had made this easy on me I wouldn't love her this much.

At least I can identify what she's p-ssed off at now, and counter all of it in one go. But no, I think I'm done with fitness testing her, she did indeed show me. I'm going to let her know that honestly. You guys are right, our marriage is not healthy.

Considering we have enough external issues to deal with, neglected issues, this is just not going to work like this. If anything, we should be taking the p-ss at the world ignorantly trying to break us apart due to the color of our skins or our religious differences or our diverse cultures.

Now... just the timing in question. This may very well be our last internal fight, we've solved everything else and come a long way. Things that I never thought would be solved... such as her sexual demands. Wish me luck people, for our make up.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> This confused me. So - are you normally the target of her aggression? Or is she upset about other things and just venting?


No, I've always let her vent on me, which means I let her hit me. She doesn't hit me in painful areas, just my shoulders/arms mostly while I'm holding her close. I've encouraged it, in a way it actually turns me on too.

Hell she even smacked the crap outta me when we were both playing Dragon Age together and her toon got dumped by an NPC and she blamed me for not telling her and that I ruined her awesome story she was directing :rofl:

I was laughing while she was smacking.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Good luck...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The "..." means you have an opinion, and I reckon you should voice it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> The "..." means you have an opinion, and I reckon you should voice it.


Still sounds to me like your wife has a need for drama and conflict. If that's the case, no amount of Manning Up will fix it. My opinion only.

I really don't know your story that well - but you sound fairly optimistic today. So - I could be totally wrong. I hope I am.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If she does then we're the perfect couple. Fighting is all I know.
However, she's been whining about me being an a$$, so meh.

I'm not optimistic at all mate, I just dont deny crap, positive or negative.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> This may very well be our last internal fight, we've solved everything else and come a long way. Things that I never thought would be solved... such as her sexual demands. Wish me luck people, for our make up.


Your "last internal fight"? This isn't optimistic? 

Or am I reading this too literally?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We've been dealing with issues since day one, unfortunately this is the last thing we have left to start sh-t with each other about, other then external issues - which are still unresolved.

Such as these:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-spirituality/30143-her-confusion-crisis-faith.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/32543-wifey-cant-stop-plucking.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/28912-i-dont-care-about-money.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...62-when-society-doesnt-want-you-together.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/20161-settling-nomadism.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/20160-public-affection-important.html


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok, the plucking and the fact that I don't trust that she will be content as a bum... those are internal, but way too minor really.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sounds like you both feed off one another. My guess is, until one of you gets really tired of it and leaves, this will probably be your life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jamison said:


> Sounds like you both feed off one another. My guess is, until one of you gets really tired of it and leaves, this will probably be your life.


:iagree:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

True, guess we'll never really have a healthy marriage will we?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think the wife likes this turmoil, I think it's all she knows.

If someone (especially my husband) was always trying to irritate me (or take the piss outta me), I'd be on guard and not like him much. This would make me defensive ALL.The.Time. I wouldn't want to look weak because he'll just tease me. I wouldn't want to be vulnerable because it's just ridiculed.

Vicious cycle...I'd get off that rollercoaster.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> True, guess we'll never really have a healthy marriage will we?


Why not? Your marriage is what you make it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So I'll go with my plans then, if she really is dependent on conflict, then we win, because it's what we can deal with and what we're used to.

But if she is indeed annoyed with how I've been treating her, and I go through with what I plan to make it up to her and progress in our marriage to change our unhealthy dynamic, then we also win, because we're growing as a couple.

Everytime we go on holidays it's a honeymoon each time because we simply don't play these games. Yet we do as a routine in our daily lives outside of the holidays. So let's see how it goes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well that was annoying...

Made breakfast for her in bed, and she shoved me off. Guess she's still not ready to talk. Meh. Oh well, I'll wait another day or two until she chills.

As long as we talk we can solve this but it seems she doesn't want to face it yet. Oh well, *munches*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok another update, decided to head out to lunch and invited the missus, she said she's not hungry so meh. Halfway on the road she calls me and asked if I still wanted to have lunch, so hey, did a Uey... off we went for a rather... awkward drive.

She brushed me and told me that she's sorry she shoved me off this morning. I told her not to worry about it, I was hungry anyway. She pulled her hand away as soon as I said that lol
I guess with our kid at the back we couldn't really have it all out.

Anyways, when we got there I was a bit extravagant, I knew she was hungry as she skipped breakfast. We didn't talk about it much, instead I guess we both pretended we're still on good terms with each other. It was alright, we still had a few smiles and laughs.

When we got home I knew she was in a better mood, and I told her I'm sorry too. She asked me what for, I knew she was testing me, but I wasn't going to fall into her trap. I just told her that she has been a good wife, and that I have been a jerk. She tried to push it a little further for more apologies but I stopped her.

Then as I tried to leave it as that she asked me what I am going to do about it. And so I told her how I felt, following my steps I planned last night of course. She shoke her head... =/
So I asked her what's her suggestion then. She had no idea, so it was obvious we both don't know what to do about this.

I told that I know she thinks I'm insensitive, and the reason I wrote those threads was to find a way to fix it. Then she said that it's not that I'm insensitive and it's apparently that I try too hard to be tough. :scratchhead: She wishes I trust her more and open up to her. And she was offended that I thought of her as spoiled and that I don't trust that she'll be content if I was ever out of work.

I told her we dealt with this before, she knows how I think. And then she said that even if she knows it doesn't mean she has to like it and that it hurts her. And that I make her feel sometimes that she's not good enough. I was hurt when she said that, and I re-assured her quite strongly.

Then she told me that I say all these things but asked when am I going to prove it to her either then just making it up to her. She says she feels we don't get anywhere and that sometimes I don't respect her enough to change. She also said that I make it hard on her to give in to me. She also asked me if I thought her as a wife or as an enemy, and brought up my thoughts about our IR situation.

She told me that it's obvious now I disappeared because of that, and that I don't allow her to help me. Meh... I couldn't answer her question, and just left it as that. She's very sad now... meh, I don't know.


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## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

Sounds very similar to my marriage . We both seem to gave dependency issues . I have told my wife I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage . I am going to counselling for my nice guy syndrome and working on myself . I am giving her lots of hugs and telling her everything is gonna be ok.
It sounds to me you want out but don't have the bottle . You are stating you hate her , but that is your own doing as you are letting her affect you .Why would you show her your threads on here . Why not just explain you are working on yourself .


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Why would you show her your threads on here . Why not just explain you are working on yourself .


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/31636-wifey-closing-kill.html


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anyways, let this thread die, I already have a new one.


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## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

Typical nice guy behaviour you are covering up ,so you do not upset her. She crossed your boundary ,you wanted privacy but she would not let you and I can see why she would not let you .you are calling her something rotten but you prob don't act that way to her face . Get a grip and start being open and honest with her and yourself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you think being alpha all the way is going to solve every problem in the marriage book then by all means. 



> you are calling her something rotten but you prob don't act that way to her face . Get a grip and start being open and honest with her and yourself.


LOL! Oh hell you should read my other threads. I know you are going through this program, but I would advise you at least, don't lose what you have when it comes to being fair to your wife.

She won that game, and won it through years of consistency and honesty, I lost. And no way do I regret agreeing to compromise by printing out the threads I wrote if she really wants it (she probably doesn't want to read anymore considering what she just read recently lol)

She earned it.


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## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

Who mentioned being alpha


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well that was annoying...
> 
> Made breakfast for her in bed, and she shoved me off. Guess she's still not ready to talk. Meh. Oh well, I'll wait another day or two until she chills.
> 
> As long as we talk we can solve this but it seems she doesn't want to face it yet. Oh well, *munches*


Why on earth would you make breakfast for a woman, if as you described she is so out of order and wrong?


You tried to make up, all you need to say to her now is exactly the following words "I tried to sort things out, i went out of my way to apologize, i even made you breakfast in bed, i love you."

NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS AFTER THAT:

1) You need to say NOTHING to her. completely ignore the comment she makes after you say that (if any) and walk away.

2) Do NOT interact with her.

3) Do NOT even be physically close to her, if she is in the kitchen, you go to the living room. if she is in the bedroom, DO NOT go in there till your about to get in bed and go to sleep, hell, sleep on the couch.

4) DO NOT speak to her unless its a must, unless its either life or death or will cause serious distress (use this one wisely and don't overdo it)

5) Always tell her you love her before you leave the house or on the phone, since you do love her and its the truth, just because you fight doesn't mean that you should withhold that from her.


DO NOT SPEAK TO HER UNLESS IT CANNOT BE DODGED OR UNLESS ITS #5!


When you think she is ready to apologize and behave, speak to her very calmly and state your boundaries and opinions. DO NOT point fingers or state what she has done wrong, she will apologize on her own and when she does, say nothing other than "don't worry about it" AND make sure that after she has apologized, you ask her why what she did was wrong, why she did it, THEN apologize for what you have done wrong, explain why it was wrong of you and end the conversation followed by passionate wild animal love making.


IMPORTANT : if by her apology she gives you attitude, sh!t tests or you just don't think its plausible, simply stand up, walk away and go back to #1 until you are satisfied.


IT ALSO IS IMPORTANT that no matter how much she cries, how much you feel bad and guilty, that you DO NOT withhold emotional support nor give up on the above guidelines.

Good luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He and his wife have a history of this. She's not the only 'bad guy' here...if there's one at all. He's trying to break the pattern. It's a long ride but he'll get there.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He and his wife have a history of this. She's not the only 'bad guy' here...if there's one at all. He's trying to break the pattern. It's a long ride but he'll get there.


What i just advised him to do is demand his respect, im aware he is not very innocent him self so it is up to him as to what he does once he has gained that respect.

When demanding respect, in that manor, you have to be prepared and willing to also give respect and treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated.

You f**k up, its game over, literally.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Have you been following his threads on here? lol. It's going to take more than that.


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Have you been following his threads on here? lol. It's going to take more than that.


Well that usually works for me every time without fail, regardless of what situation. or maybe its just my good looks or my being a sex god? ^_^

I don't understand this whole "my peoples loyalty" "my nation" "this population & that population" thing, what is that all about?

Don't mean to be rude but you sound like a spartan


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What are you on about?


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> What are you on about?





RandomDude said:


> Aye, I've opened my heart for her, and if she whines about me hardening my heart PFFFT! You reap what you sow yes?
> 
> Funny... *I sacrificed my loyalty to my people* FOR THIS CRAP! Should just take my kid and leave her out to rot. HELL ok... I think I should calm down before my anger gets the better of me... F--K!





RandomDude said:


> Yes... I agree, reluctantly but
> But looking back... we have talked about this before, it's like sparring. *We sharpen each other's blades on each other, then when the world tries to hate on us we hit hard to protect our family.* I guess we're not the best example in terms of marital dynamics, I know it causes us pain, but one thing we will always fear is the world splitting us apart.
> 
> Now I want it to stop and she probably does too, but we're stuck. It seems our external issues and internal issues are more related then we wish to believe.
> ...


There was more about hes country and his people but its just randomly vanished since the last time i visited the thread.

I guess if i want to know what is actually going on i can read some of his previous threads.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh I thought you were talking about me...that I was Spartan. LOL!

To RandomDude, how can you wish she wasn't of another race  lolll My husband is Latino and I love it...your wife is human, no? So, same race


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