# The 180 -is it working for me?



## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi all,

I have decided to try the 180 plan. My husband has left the house and i stopped calling him at all for three days. He was the only one who would initiate the call. This was upsetting him and last night he called very upset and he asked me if i wanted no contact at all. I reassured him that i want to have contact with him and when i have something to say i would call. He told me that it upsets him me not calling (i was always the needy one, who would call him all the time). He said that he is tired and that he wants to end it. We didn't have any contact today. Do you thing that i blew it? Or is the 180 working and this is why he reacted like this? Please help me, i did the 180 as the last try, but may i have blown thing up?
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't know what your story is. What is the reason(s) why he left? What has been going on?

I guess I am confused. If you were needy and smothering him all the time, why is he upset that you aren't calling him? I would think he might be rejoicing about that if you were so smothering before. So, yes, it's possible your 180 is giving him pause for thought.

You will have to stay the course, otherwise you will look as if you are inconsistent and not really trying to make a concerted change to what may have been your long-term behavior.

Best wishes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I have decided to try the 180 plan. My husband has left the house and i stopped calling him at all for three days. He was the only one who would initiate the call. This was upsetting him and last night he called very upset and he asked me if i wanted no contact at all. I reassured him that i want to have contact with him and when i have something to say i would call. He told me that it upsets him me not calling (i was always the needy one, who would call him all the time). He said that he is tired and that he wants to end it. We didn't have any contact today. Do you thing that i blew it? Or is the 180 working and this is why he reacted like this? Please help me, i did the 180 as the last try, but may i have blown thing up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your 180 got a reaction out of him.

You said that you were needy in the past. So were you doing things like asking to now what he's thinking, etc? Or asking if he cared for you?

Remember that a 180 is about 2 things.. one is changing yourself to be a better person and changing your behavior in a way that gets is attention. If you do not contact him you will lose his attention.

You might now want to call him and not talk about anything personal. Ask him how he has been. And then tell him about the wonderful things you have been doing. Be cheerful, be someone who does interesting things. 

Then wait a few days before calling him again.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

@enchantment: so you think that i should continue the "no contact" approach no matter what? Or is it better to contact him every now and then?

@EleGirl: but isn't this against the 180 plan?

Anyway, I am getting the feeling that I have given him the opportunity to walk away for good. I applied the no contact approach, got mad and told me he is tired and wants to end it. At this time he is at some beach hotel with the OW. The strange thing is that I am not crying or something, I feel relieved and that as from today I am starting a new life. In fact, I invited some of my friends tomorrow to decorate the Christmas tree! 

And I am getting a ticket for Christmas shopping abroad with my best friend!
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> @EleGirl: but isn't this against the 180 plan?


Do you have a link to the 180 plan you are using? I’ve seen one around here. The original 180 plan is not a set of rules that is the same for everyone. It’s unique to each person. The idea is to be completely different from the way your spouse would expect you to be. IT’s to get the spouses attention. Now that I’ve read more of your situation it sounds like that is not what you are doing.


MadAndConfused said:


> Anyway, I am getting the feeling that I have given him the opportunity to walk away for good. I applied the no contact approach, got mad and told me he is tired and wants to end it. At this time he is at some beach hotel with the OW.


I guess you are actually doing a Plan B (ala Marriage Builder) which is ending contact with your WS to help the affair end a natural death. Affairs are not based on reality. The WS has most of their needs met by their spouse. And the last 1 or 2 by the OW. When the spouse starts a no contact policy this puts a lot of pressure on the affair. Now the OW has to meet all of the WS’s needs. Suddenly the real world of responsibility encroaches on the affair, it’s no longer so rewarding. WS will start being very needy and demanding of OW. It will most likely not go very well for him… oh well. 

This is most likely why your husband was upset about you not calling him. Though he would not admit it, he still needs the love and support you have given him all along.

If you are using no contact to withdraw your meeting your h’s needs and to put pressure on the affair, sounds like its working and keep it up. 



MadAndConfused said:


> The strange thing is that I am not crying or something, I feel relieved and that as from today I am starting a new life. In fact, I invited some of my friends tomorrow to decorate the Christmas tree!
> 
> And I am getting a ticket for Christmas shopping abroad with my best friend!


And this too is the natural outcome of the affair. Your husband has been love-busting big time. He’s killing your love for him little by little. Sounds like you are in a good place. Take care of yourself, improve yourself. This is not about him, it’s about you. If he comes back into your life you will be a better person. He will be lucky if you take him back.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Yes, it is best that you should refrain from contacting him for a while.
But doing so without a time limit is counter productive.

You should talk to him when he is calmed down and ready.


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Yes, it is best that you should refrain from contacting him for a while.
> But doing so without a time limit is counter productive.
> 
> You should talk to him when he is calmed down and ready.


Hi Patricia, thank you for your reply. How should I know when is the right time to contact him?

@EleGirl Thank you for your comment, I've read a few things about Plan B on marriageBUilders' website and it says it is a very dangerous plan, most of the time it leads to a divorce. Is this true? 

Has anyone tried Plan B with success on reconciling?

Thank you in advance!
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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have a link to the 180 plan you are using? I’ve seen one around here. The original 180 plan is not a set of rules that is the same for everyone. It’s unique to each person. The idea is to be completely different from the way your spouse would expect you to be. IT’s to get the spouses attention. Now that I’ve read more of your situation it sounds like that is not what you are doing.


I am using the list provided by divorce busting website (www.divorcebusting.com)
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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MadAndConfused said:


> Hi Patricia, thank you for your reply. How should I know when is the right time to contact him?
> 
> @EleGirl Thank you for your comment, I've read a few things about Plan B on marriageBUilders' website and it says it is a very dangerous plan, most of the time it leads to a divorce. Is this true?
> 
> ...


I used a modified Plan B and so far it is successful. My wife is back in our house, we are in counseling and we are getting back together. This is all extremely dangerous so I also recommend going to church, increasing your faith and using the book "The Love Dare".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> Hi Patricia, thank you for your reply. How should I know when is the right time to contact him?
> 
> @EleGirl Thank you for your comment, I've read a few things about Plan B on marriageBUilders' website and it says it is a very dangerous plan, most of the time it leads to a divorce. Is this true?
> 
> ...


Generally I Plan B is not used until a the betrayed spouse is just about out of love (almost empty love bank in MS lingo). One of the purposes is to try to preserve what love you do have what the WS is doing their thing... not letting them hurt you anymore. I think that one of the main reasons that it leads to divorce is that by the time it's done the relationship is already on the verge of divorce.

At one time I spent a lot of time on the MB forum. There I saw a lot of people have luck with Plan B, but only after a very good Plan A.

I did use Plan B with my husband, but for only one week while he was on travel for work. I told him that when he came back to town if he would not agree to no contact and to follow MB concepts he did not need to come home and that I would not talk to him until he was willing to do this. At the end of the week he came home, ended all contact, etc. But every case is different.

When I first read your post (the OP) I tought you in something like a Plan A and using a 180, the can be very compatable.

How long have you known about your husband's affair? How long has he been out of the home?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The point of the 180 is that it is intended as a gut-check, to make it clear what life APART from one another looks like.

Gives you both the opportunity to reassess, and if you both choose, to re-engage.

So ... you have changed your normal behavior and he noticed ... and he didn't like it. That's typical. 

But ... it doesn't reflect a change in desire for an outcome to separate ... unless he says so.

I always stress that the 180 is a LAST DITCH effort with a very small chance of success to recover a broken relationship. What it is much better suited to ... is assisting the person who is implementing it, in discovering that they can conduct their own life successfully without their partner.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> I am using the list provided by divorce busting website (Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you mind posting the link to exactly the page that has this? I cannot find it on divorcebusting. Or could you post the 180 here?

Thanks


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Why would you even want to contact him if he's at a beach motel with OW?


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

@EleGirl we have been together for 12 years, married for 3.5. I am 30, he is 31. We have never had such issues in the past. I have been suspecting the affair during the last four months. Just a few days ago I found some charges on his visa that I definetely didn't know about (fancy restaraunts, romantic hotels, etc). 

He left the house in July, came back in September and he is out again for the last two weeks. All this time he is staying with his parents. When he returned home I did try to talk to him, let him know that I am 100% committed in saving our marriage and that I am willing to work and fight for it. He didn't want me to touch/hug/kiss him. We haven't had sex since July. That was the main reason that I started suspecting about him having an EA...

My full story is described in another thread of mine.
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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Why would you even want to contact him if he's at a beach motel with OW?


I know, I am still wondering about it as well. Am I some kind of psycho or something?!?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MadAndConfused said:


> I know, I am still wondering about it as well. Am I some kind of psycho or something?!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you are not psycho. You are mad and confused...


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## MadAndConfused (Nov 24, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> No, you are not psycho. You are mad and confused...


That's right EleGirl... 

There are some times though that I get really insecure wondering if I am doing the right thing of keeping the "No Contact" plan...

How long do you thing should I keep doing Plan B? How will I know when is the right time to contact him? I feel very desparate


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