# ok...jumping from sex problems to infedelity



## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

ok so i posted a few months back in the sex forum, I am a lil hurt and confused. my husband and i are young,. 21 and 22. a while ago we were having sex issues. he wanted 3somes and more and it made me sick to think of him having sex with another woman let alone having to watch it, i knew we were having problems because we went from being besties's to not speasking unless we were fighting. i kept telling him we needed to fix us but he put me off like it meant nothing or it wasn't that important. 

we have been toge4ther since november of 2007 we met at job corps. i was the first white woman he had been with(he is a black man) march of 08 i was living with him in charlotte. by end of june we were pregnant with a beautiful lil girl (which was our miracle baby) dec we got married march 09 our family was complete. june09 sex problems and fights start about porn and neglecting me as his wife.

now i do not think of myself as a bad wife . he has no education (though he is a smart man) so he could never really get a good job. i have been the breadwinner this entire relationship and i make enough that we both live VERY comfortable lives. aI spent 600$ on an xbox and games for him to have something at home to do in between the diaper changes. anything he wants he gets i don't ask for much at all just help with some houswork and take care of our daughter.

well december 09' the fighting continued and got worse, so much so that i made contact with one of my ex's and went to go see him. i had the opportunity presented to me to cheat but in that split second that i had the chance all i could think about was my husband, and i knew how much of a mistake i had made. so i told my ex we could continue being friends but it would never be more than that.

dec 19th was our 1-year anniversary christmas came and went and new years. i january my H was realloy pushing the sexual issue saying he wanted to try new things and explore because he felt like getting married so young robbed him of those experiences. when i freaked out i made as point that i made my vows and i didn't want anyone but him.(especially now since i KNEW i didnt want anyone else) he said "who follows their vows anymore?" 

i was upset and depressed and was seriously considering trying a 3way just to make him happy so we started hanging out with some close friends of mine that have a wide open relationship. being around them and seeing how their secrets and lies affected their marriage opened my eyes and moved me to confess my breif encounter with my ex to my husband to show him how much i do care and that we needed to fix us or end up like them.

He had a confession of his own, sometime between christmas and new years he has slept with the neighbor. whom was a friend of mine. (black girl- which was the race i generally suspected him of being attracted to in the first place)

so now i am left hurt and confused. what did i do so wrong? i don't look at him the same anymore and i hurt so bad all the time; i can't even wear my rings anymore because he wore his ring when he had sex with her. what makes it so bad is that he left our 10 moth old baby home alone by herself to go do this with the neighbor. and on new years they were planning a second time but i came home from work early. we have had several talks and though he said it was the eye opener for him i can't push myself to forgive or forget it. i look at him so confused because i love him. but i want to make him feel the hurt i feel. so what do you do when you don't have a marriage and all thats left is broken vows and a precious life stuck in the middle. how do i mave on? talking to him about it does no good because he is honest enough to tell me how they did it. that he kissed her that "it wasn't bad" i want to feel better but i can't because this should never have been my life. i shouldn't have to bear this weight, and god help me i don't know how im supposed to tell my daughter it's not ok to let a man do to her what her father has done to me and then still have him in my life?? I am hurt and confused. someone please help.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know, it hurts. It will get better as time goes on, though. 

I have a question, did he say that he is fully committed to you and the marriage? Is he making an effort to show you that he will never do this again? That is very important. 

Also, since the OW (Other Woman) is a neighbor, it makes it difficult, but you must insist that they have NO CONTACT. That's important. 

It does sound slightly like he is taking advantage of you, but I don't know the whole situation. I suppose you are saving some money by not having to pay for daycare, which is good. 

Does he plan on ever continuing his education or having a career? It may cause tension in the relationship that you are working and he is not. Whether or not people like to admit it, I think gender roles DO exist still, and when we stray far away from them it causes tension. He may be feeling like less of a man because he's not working, and having an affair was more of a self-esteem thing for him than anything.

If you are able to go to some form of marriage counseling, it is recommended. The important thing right now is communication. Not about the Affair and all the gory details, but about your feelings and his feelings. The communication lines need to be wide open so that you can find out each other's needs.

In the near future, if you are still feeling like having sex with him and working out issues in the marriage, maybe try to spice it up a bit (toys, etc). Perhaps that will get his mind off other fantasies involving other women. 

Also, it really bothers me that he left your daughter home alone to carry out the affair. That is a SERIOUS no-no. How is he, otherwise, with your daughter? That was a big red-flag to me. It was EXTREMELY irresponsible and selfish of him!


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

So if I have understood your post correctly, the situation is this:

You married when you were both barely out of your teens.
You have an infant, and you do the greater portion of the child care.
You have enough education to be the major breadwinner for the family, so you work outside of the home.
You do the greater portion of the housework.
He stays at home, changes diapers and plays video games.
You provide his food, clothing, shelter, and entertainment - "whatever he wants, he gets."
He wants to do sexual stuff that is not interesting to you, or that in some cases makes you deeply uncomfortable.
You've declined these requests, and his "negotiation" technique is to bring them up more frequently and more stridently (or am I over-interpreting that?)
You're now aware of his infidelity with a neighbor.

For the life of me I cannot understand why women get involved with men like this. You have chained yourself to an anchor - he either cannot or will not contribute to the welfare of the household, and now, he cannot or will not contribute to the welfare of the marriage simply by keeping his junk out of neighborhood women.

Essentially, in my opinion you are taking care of two children, one of whom should be capable not just of taking care of himself, but contributing to the care of the whole family. 

Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you really have such a low opinion of yourself that you think this is the best you can do? You really think that all you deserve is a cheating, layabout slacker who sucks down your hard-earned money, nails other women, and cares almost nothing for you? Is that really what you want in your life?

I strongly suggest that you tell this boy that he has six months to become a man, find a job (which means at least finishing high school), get committed to the marriage and demonstrate some respect and care for you, or he's gone. 

You won't recognize this until you're at least 30, but right now you have the opportunity of a lifetime. This is your chance to learn how powerful you are - not in the sense that you can dominate the people around you, but in the sense that you can take care of yourself. This opportunity comes around frequently, but the more times you ignore it, the more elusive it becomes, and the less time you have to build on the gains from it. 

You need to muster up all the courage you can and set some real, meaningful, honest boundaries. Either he shapes up by X-date, or he's gone. And then stick to it. You deserve a man - not a boy - and a man who can demonstrate that he deserves you. This child you're married to is nothing more than a destructive parasite. Fix it, or move on.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

d yes he is showing me an effort that he wants things to be better, he said this was an eye opener of what he has, but at the same time its me. i feel horrible. i used to wake up and think how can i make him happy? now everytime i look at hium i want to vomit. i want to be so ugly all the time and tell him how much i hate him for doing this to me. he is a great dad and has not done anything like this before. our daughter is ver very much daddy's little princess. i just can't fathom putting my child in a crib and leaving her there by herself to go be with another man. he knows this was wrong and he has said that is the worst part of all because the neighbor got mad at me for calling her out on doing this teamed up with a few other tennants and attacked me verbally. (which all he did was watch) but children protective services got involved, because the neighbor called them. so he does show remorse for that aspect but he has told me he thought about me and our daughter before he did it and he just didn't care at the time. i am more upset because this will make the second time he has cheated on me. the first was when we first started dating but he didn't tell me until i moved to charlotte because he said he was afraid if he told me before i cam that i wouldn't come(and he is right, i wouldn't have if i had known) after he told me he promised the same things he promised now. never do it again. now i know what you mean to me.... blah blah blah. i am so mad because i've heard it all before. i don't know if i can believe him. i am back and forth on whether or not i should just give him 20 dollars and a bus ticket, because i really can't swallow it. and even more mad that he cheated on me with someone that has 3 diff babies daddies( one of those hood rat chicks) no job, no aspects always asking may i borrow? can i have? living on welfare. and she's not even cute. no i'm no "oil painting" myself but im NOT ugly. so if he was gonna do it to make himself feel better....he couldve atleast upgraded, not downgraded. so i am mad as hell stgill i can'[t understand what i was doing sooo wrong? having sex with him now hurts more than its pleasurable. there is no intamacy no making love , its just horrible because i see him and her over and over. he kissed her.... and he doesn't even kiss me. so what do i do? i am so hurt and im tryhing to get past this but the pill seems too big too swallow. i want to move past this. i look at him. and i know i love him, but at the same time i hate him more. and i think this may have pushed me over the edge to fall out of love with him. how can i fix this, or is it too late?


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

anybody have any input? im begging ...please help.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

eaustin87 said:


> d yes he is showing me an effort that he wants things to be better, he said this was an eye opener of what he has, but at the same time its me. i feel horrible. i used to wake up and think how can i make him happy? now everytime i look at hium i want to vomit. i want to be so ugly all the time and tell him how much i hate him for doing this to me. he is a great dad and has not done anything like this before. our daughter is ver very much daddy's little princess. i just can't fathom putting my child in a crib and leaving her there by herself to go be with another man. he knows this was wrong and he has said that is the worst part of all because the neighbor got mad at me for calling her out on doing this teamed up with a few other tennants and attacked me verbally. (which all he did was watch) but children protective services got involved, because the neighbor called them. so he does show remorse for that aspect but he has told me he thought about me and our daughter before he did it and he just didn't care at the time. i am more upset because this will make the second time he has cheated on me. the first was when we first started dating but he didn't tell me until i moved to charlotte because he said he was afraid if he told me before i cam that i wouldn't come(and he is right, i wouldn't have if i had known) after he told me he promised the same things he promised now. never do it again. now i know what you mean to me.... blah blah blah. i am so mad because i've heard it all before. i don't know if i can believe him. i am back and forth on whether or not i should just give him 20 dollars and a bus ticket, because i really can't swallow it. and even more mad that he cheated on me with someone that has 3 diff babies daddies( one of those hood rat chicks) no job, no aspects always asking may i borrow? can i have? living on welfare. and she's not even cute. no i'm no "oil painting" myself but im NOT ugly. so if he was gonna do it to make himself feel better....he couldve atleast upgraded, not downgraded. so i am mad as hell stgill i can'[t understand what i was doing sooo wrong? having sex with him now hurts more than its pleasurable. there is no intamacy no making love , its just horrible because i see him and her over and over. he kissed her.... and he doesn't even kiss me. so what do i do? i am so hurt and im tryhing to get past this but the pill seems too big too swallow. i want to move past this. i look at him. and i know i love him, but at the same time i hate him more. and i think this may have pushed me over the edge to fall out of love with him. how can i fix this, or is it too late?


After reading this, I remember the immense pain of the first few weeks after you find out about an affair.

The fact that this is not the first time troubles me.

I would say, get some time away from him. Make him go stay at a family member's house or something. Don't talk to him for a while and get your mind clear. 

To me, he sounds like a total user. You need to get a clear head to think over all of the aspects of your relationship. What does he bring to the table in the relationship? Is this how you want to live your life?

I'm not advocating divorce, but you do need some time away IMO. 

Be strong, and think about you and your daughter's future. I'm sorry he did this to you, I know how it feels and it's the worst feeling!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are being used.

If i were you, I'd find a sitter and boot him out. If he won't leave, then you leave and take your kid with you.

He's not a good man.


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## eaustin87 (May 6, 2009)

thanx guys for your imput. I really appriciate it. i really needed an outsiders opinion to confirm what my head and heart have been arguing about. your head always knows before your heart does... and in this case i think i knew this was coming before it ever happened.


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