# Married to a gamer



## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

I'm interested to hear how others who are married to gamers make it work, specifically when one partner hasn't ever been involved or interested in it. 

My H is a gamer. When we met 12 years ago I had no idea. He seems to go through waves of hobbies. For a while it's building model airplanes, then it's gaming, then archery, then gaming, drones, gaming, reptiles or fish, mountain biking, gaming. But he doesn't balance these things out, and he's nearly obsessive about them when he's into them - he ideally wants to be doing them in every free moment. Spends a ton of money on these things when he's into them, then drops them either indefinitely or for a significant portion of time (sometimes years). But gaming he always comes back to. 

Each time he is in a gaming spurt it's always 6-12 months, needing to play for hours every day. He'll work, come home late (9 or 10 pm, kids are often in bed already), turn on the games and play for 5-6 hours. Every day. This takes all of his free time, as he stays up so late he can't get up in the mornings until nearly lunch. Goes back to work, repeat. 

He does work very hard. So do I. But I'm also left doing all of the housework, dealing with every aspect of parenting alone, and working full time. Plus being completely disconnected from my H. We are never intimate. When I try to initiate while he's gaming he gets upset I'm interrupting him. So I've stopped. I go to bed alone every night and cry myself to sleep while I listen to him chatting and laughing on his role playing game with strangers. He comes to bed shortly before I wake up for the day. 

Our MC has asked us to come up with ideas for a compromise on the gaming front to make this work, as well as for me to try to empathize with his interest in it. I'm hoping to hear from others who've done this. Do you have suggestions for how to work through this? So far I've asked him to come to bed with me twice per week. In the moment when I ask he always says sure. But then he just doesn't do it, never puts it into practice. If I try to verbally remind him about it he gets mad that I'm interrupting his game. 

Through the journals my therapist recommends I keep in IC I've discovered serious correlations with his hobby waves and our marriage success/level of happiness (or I guess mine). When he is not gaming we have regular sex, we do a lot more family-related activities, we communicate a lot better - we are just more in-tune and involved with each other, which I desperately crave in my relationship. He completely disregards this as not possible, but I'm on my 6th year of daily journals. It's pretty apparent to me. I don't need him to stop completely, I just wish this behaviour wasn't so obsessive. Some balance would be nice.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

He seems to be an obsessive person in general. I would hazard a guess you were one of his obsessions in the early dating days, and you loved it, but had no idea that he had cyclical patterns of moving from one obsession to another.

Compared to his other hobbies, though, gaming is much less solitary. He probably feels that if he takes a night off, or quits early, or doesn't show up the next night like he arranged, that he's letting down the people he's playing with. If they are strangers, he worries more about disappointing them than he does disappointing you, because he's got years of proof that you stick around no matter how disappointed you are. Or maybe he's in a clan and they aren't strangers, but people he cares about and is connected to even though he has never met them in real life, and he feels they rely on him and won't be able to have fun if he's missing. Whereas you appear completely self-sufficient to his perspective.

He's getting a dopamine hit from gaming, similar to the pleasure he got from achievements in his other hobbies, but games are designed to be insidiously endless, to keep people playing, and thus paying. Achieve one thing, the next level is waiting. Miss a few nights and you fall behind your gaming buddies. The sense of achievement or leetness is alluring, and for someone in a dull real life, it can easily substitute for lack of achievement or status in real life. Not to mention that online, spouses are often portrayed as the spoilsport ball and chain who takes the gamer away from the fun, and that mentality can creep into a gamer's attitude about their relationship.

I think you have to schedule your time with him. Tell him that he can play as much as he likes on certain nights, but on others, he's busy and he has to tell his friends he won't touch the console or PC on those nights and not to expect him. If you aren't awake or home yet to spend the time with, he still has to not touch the game, but instead find something else productive around the house to do, ie, housework.

Otherwise, you might have to wait to catch him in a good mood, away from the game, and just honestly ask him if he thinks playing 5-6 hours a night is the way a good husband and father should behave. He's missing out on his children's lives, waking up after they've gone to school/daycare and coming home after they're asleep. He's sabotaging his relationship because as you have no doubt noticed, you're so busy being his mother you can't be his lover. If he wants to be a single gamer guy behaving like an entitled teenager, tell him to get an apartment and move out.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is beyond fix right now. You have enabled him long enough. The only way to save your marriage is to end it. There is no other way. You have to be willing to leave him, let him get himself out of this and then decided that, if he ever does, whether you will take him back. 

This kind of gaming is an addiction and you deserve better than this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

pygmalioneffect said:


> I'm interested to hear how others who are married to gamers make it work, specifically when one partner hasn't ever been involved or interested in it.
> 
> My H is a gamer. When we met 12 years ago I had no idea. He seems to go through waves of hobbies. For a while it's building model airplanes, then it's gaming, then archery, then gaming, drones, gaming, reptiles or fish, mountain biking, gaming. But he doesn't balance these things out, and he's nearly obsessive about them when he's into them - he ideally wants to be doing them in every free moment. Spends a ton of money on these things when he's into them, then drops them either indefinitely or for a significant portion of time (sometimes years). But gaming he always comes back to.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he may be on the spectrum. You need to give him the come to Jesus moment before you are done and one day just up and leave him or worst of all get in a position where you want to go against your morals.

You could call me a gamer so I want to you give you and idea of how I am. First of all my wife and I always sit and eat dinner together every night then we spend at least an hour doing different things. I actually wish we would spend more time together but she is a morning person so we are still working on that. After she goes to be say around 10 or so, I then will game for a few hours or do other hobbies. Post on here a little, read stuff, and if there is a game I am playing at the moment I do that. I then go to bed late. 

We usually do a bunch of stuff on the weekend and besides doing all the catch up work that is necessary, like cleaning the house and stuff, weekends are kind of our dating time. Again unless it's a slow day, which happens, I am not on my computer or gaming. Even so it is only for a few hours because we almost always go get dinner or see a movie or some sort of date thing. I do game or something again when she goes to sleep. 

Also we go on trips and vacations where I am not doing any of my hobbies and I never feel like I am missing out. 

Here is the thing, if my wife told me she went to bed every night crying in loneliness I would be beyond crushed. 

Do you at least eat dinner together? Try doing that without any devices or distractions. Just sit at the table and talk and eat.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

You married a loser.

Move on.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He stops gaming.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

My husband is a gamer. Not nearly as bad as his brothers though. I used to call myself the "Dinner Wife" because that was literally the only time he would spend with me. This was also combined with his drinking, and that's a whole another story but it's right in line with the addictive personality that he has. I was never alone but I was very lonely. The only thing he was doing around the house was mowing the lawn during the summer time. I was doing everything else. Once I told him about the nickname that I gave myself and how lonely I was, the gaming was reduced. Last year, we had another heart to heart (or more like a blow out) about the drinking and the gaming further decreased. The 2 addictions and possibly a 3rd, in my situation, go hand-in-hand quite a lot. 

A good friend of my husbands is also a gamer. They have children and her "rule" is that he can't play games until the kids are in bed. You may want to consider this for your household. If he's not able to do a balance, then he should stop all together.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Adults should not be married to children.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

KJ_Simmons said:


> I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.


I think this can be true. Gamers can let it take over their life; it's the same with a lot of other addictions as well. Gaming is a hobby. And, hobbies can become addictions. 

So, yes, moderation is key.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I want to add that I play video games just like many others. I know what happens to you and I know the depths you can sink in order to continue playing.

There are basically 3 types of games. Single player, at home multi-player, and online multiplayer. The first two types aren't an issue and are about managing time correctly together. If I want to get the new Zelda game and play it through, then, it's more about the game than the addiction and you can balance life with that. If I like having some buddies over to play a shooter or sports game, then that can be managed too. If I am engrossed in an online multiplayer game, then I have an addiction. I am not saying they are all bad, but they feed into negative instincts and desires of people. You can't shame them out and you can't debate them out. They think about it when they are with you. It is a mistress to them. They need to come to the conclusion that losing everything is worse than getting that upgraded weapon, or skill or whatever.


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## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

> He seems to be an obsessive person in general. I would hazard a guess you were one of his obsessions in the early dating days, and you loved it, but had no idea that he had cyclical patterns of moving from one obsession to another.


Definitely yes to this. I wouldn't say I loved it...more that I thought he was just really into me. We both worked a lot and I was also in University, so we didn't have a ton of free time, but the time we did have we spent together, and was always enjoyable and positive. I took his desire to be with me as his sincere positive feelings for me. All these years later, and with help from my therapist, I've realized that instead it's likely his obsessive nature had him wanting to be around me, and his feelings for ME in general were a lot less strong. 



> Miss a few nights and you fall behind your gaming buddies. The sense of achievement or leetness is alluring, and for someone in a dull real life, it can easily substitute for lack of achievement or status in real life. Not to mention that online, spouses are often portrayed as the spoilsport ball and chain who takes the gamer away from the fun, and that mentality can creep into a gamer's attitude about their relationship.


I do notice he gets stressed out about this at times. For example, we were gone on a tropical vacation last month for 10 days. He commented multiple times while we were gone that he wished he could play so he didn't "fall behind". I don't even know what that means, and I resent the fact that we had a chance to be together, with our kids, romantic, focus on our family without any distractions, and all he wanted was the distractions. 



> This is beyond fix right now. You have enabled him long enough. The only way to save your marriage is to end it. There is no other way. You have to be willing to leave him, let him get himself out of this and then decided that, if he ever does, whether you will take him back.
> 
> This kind of gaming is an addiction and you deserve better than this.


This is what I was afraid of. I don't know how to explain it to him. When we discuss the whole gaming thing and its impact on our relationship he dismisses it as "just another thing to fight about". He claims that I fabricate issues because I enjoy negativity and conflict. This could not be further from the truth. When I respond with comments that that is not actually how I feel he says "you're lying. I know you. You just WANT to fight about ANYTHING". When I try to remove it from ME and say "H, does it seem logical that any sane person would WANT to create problems within their relationship?" he says no. Therefore I'm crazy. 

When I tell him that I'm lonely and desperate for our relationship to be more intimate and connected he says that he isn't motivated to be intimate and loving and connected with someone who is miserable and just wants to fight all the time. He requires that I change, and just accept him exactly as he is, in order to expect him to WANT intimacy. 



> Sounds like he may be on the spectrum. You need to give him the come to Jesus moment before you are done and one day just up and leave him or worst of all get in a position where you want to go against your morals.
> 
> You could call me a gamer so I want to you give you and idea of how I am. First of all my wife and I always sit and eat dinner together every night then we spend at least an hour doing different things. I actually wish we would spend more time together but she is a morning person so we are still working on that. After she goes to be say around 10 or so, I then will game for a few hours or do other hobbies. Post on here a little, read stuff, and if there is a game I am playing at the moment I do that. I then go to bed late.
> 
> ...


Do you mean the Autism Spectrum? We do eat dinner together, with our two kids, most days. The odd day there is a gymnastics practice or soccer game, and we may be apart. But most of the days we do eat together. It's very nice. We talk with the kids, hear about their days. But as soon as its done I'm left to clean up and get them running to activities and he goes back to work (we are self-employed....if he got up in the mornings to go to work at a normal time, he would NOT have to work in the evenings). Weekends....the idea of cleaning the house together is actually laughable to me, and dating time? Almost never. It is a daily occurence that, after I work hard all day, feed everyone, run the kids to all of their extracurricular activities, etc. I get home at 9 pm and start cleaning the house. He sits on the couch gaming. While I'm running around cleaning, making lunches, prepping for the next day, switching up laundry. I run around him for a couple of hours, then fall into bed exhausted. And the whole time it's like he can't even SEE ME. He also chooses to operate this way seven days per week - meaning he doesn't take a day off. He does the working, home for dinner, working, home to game, sleep till lunch thing every day. To his credit, he DOES work less hours a few days per week - Mondays he and our daughter go to archery together in the evenings, he and our son participate in motocross weekly and spend a fair amount of time in the garage tinkering with cars and dirt bikes and building things. But he never takes an entire day off unless we are out of the country.

I've told him I'm lonely, but not that I'm crying myself to sleep. He gets SO defensive if I'm crying. Like he can't handle that he made me obviously feel badly. He shifts the blame, says I'm doing it to myself, etc. So that he doesn't have to feel bad. Honestly it would just create more heartache for me if I told him. 



> A good friend of my husbands is also a gamer. They have children and her "rule" is that he can't play games until the kids are in bed. You may want to consider this for your household. If he's not able to do a balance, then he should stop all together.


He doesn't play when the kids are awake or around. 



> You married a loser.
> 
> Move on.


I lol'd at this. It's interesting to me that he portrays this different person. We are business owners, to outsiders he looks so devoted and hard working (they think he works 12-14 hours per day, no one really knows he sleeps till noon-ish daily), we are comfortable financially. He is physically attractive, lean, fit (our business does keep him physically active). He is a good dad in the sense that he really loves our kids. He's there for them, cultivates time and relationships with them.  He's open and always happy to listen to them. He supports them at gymnastics meets and soccer games and school events. I have girlfriends who often tell me they'd love a husband like him. 



> I want to add that I play video games just like many others. I know what happens to you and I know the depths you can sink in order to continue playing.
> 
> There are basically 3 types of games. Single player, at home multi-player, and online multiplayer. The first two types aren't an issue and are about managing time correctly together. If I want to get the new Zelda game and play it through, then, it's more about the game than the addiction and you can balance life with that. If I like having some buddies over to play a shooter or sports game, then that can be managed too. If I am engrossed in an online multiplayer game, then I have an addiction. I am not saying they are all bad, but they feed into negative instincts and desires of people. You can't shame them out and you can't debate them out. They think about it when they are with you. It is a mistress to them. They need to come to the conclusion that losing everything is worse than getting that upgraded weapon, or skill or whatever.


He is playing online multiplayer games. He used to play on his PC, but 4 months ago he came home with a brand new x-box. It's been that ever since. 

I think for me the most difficult part is when I try to talk to him about this, his regular rebuttal is just that he doesn't feel like being around someone so negative, so its his way of escaping from me. I've asked him why he doesn't just leave. His response is always "the kids and the business". Basically, he can't stand me and he needs gaming as a way to get away from me. 

We have tons of issues, so I'll link to my original thread....but it's long and winded. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/358874-loss-need-vent.html

I guess my main motivation behind this separate post was to see - there MUST be some gamers out there who are happily married? Are they married to fellow gamers? If not, what are the compromises or strategies they find makes their marriage AND their gaming work together? How do they make daily life work....so I appreciate the input of Herschel and sokillme. Thank you. 

When our MC asked us to come up with suggestions for how to work through this H's suggestion was to get another TV....currently we only have the one. He figures if we put one in our bedroom I can watch it at night and not be lonely.....:scratchhead: so that's a pretty clear indication of how much my feelings on this matter to him.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> Adults should not be married to children.


True, and beautiful in it's simplicity, but she already IS married to a child. 

What to do about it?

Only one thing that can be done, given that he doesn't give a rat's ass about what she wants, and he's only interested in fulfilling his own needs. 

File for divorce and or at the very least move out. Send him the strong message that you didn't intend to marry a child and you've got better things to do with your life like meeting a man with whom she can do things with. 

It might shake him back to reality, more likely it will only cause a temporary change in his behavior but at least you can say you tried.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

browser said:


> True, and beautiful in it's simplicity, but she already IS married to a child.
> 
> What to do about it?
> 
> ...



First she must accept that he is an immature and selfish child. Then she can take action.

She has been journaling the impact of his behavior on her life for 6 years. She still must hold some unrealistic hope that he will change. Until she faces her real situation, no action will take place.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KJ_Simmons said:


> I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.


Well, that is a pretty foolish comment. Here let me educate your ignorance.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I was married to a gamer. 16 years.

Was.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I was married to a gamer. 16 years.
> 
> Was.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I browsed it, but what was that supposed to tell me? I completely agree with the avg age 35 assessment, which further proves my point. Any adult who spends all their leisure time in front of a television is bound to be coming up short in other more important areas of life such as FAMILY, health, career. I've just seen too many IRL and TAM examples of this. And again to be perfectly honest, the ones I've encountered aren't exactly winning at life. Moderation, kimosabe.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

pygmalioneffect said:


> I'm interested to hear how others who are married to gamers make it work, specifically when one partner hasn't ever been involved or interested in it.
> 
> *I was a gamer. The marriage was not working. Room mate situation. W hated it. *
> 
> ...


Your last paragraph..your findings are correct. My gaming took away from the marriage big time. As long as you allow the gaming to his satisfaction your satisfaction in a normal marriage will not be met. The gaming has to stop. I know...I have been your H to a T. You are my W to a T. Fortunate for me I shut the hell up one day and listened to my W's concerns. I put the games away and grew the hell up. And, you must be willing to lose the marriage to save it. My W was.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I was married to a gamer. 16 years.
> 
> Was.


Bingo. ^^^^

Husband needs to be a husband. Not the WARLORD OF THE WASTELANDS in the pixel world of a screen dominating other people from around the world. Husband needs to come back to reality and join the real world. It's part of being married.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

KJ_Simmons said:


> I apologize if I ruffle any feathers, but when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers. That has been my experience with them so far anyway. You see it all the time on this board too. As with anything in life, moderation is key.


He he.

I'm world class in Angry Birds and online backgammon, can more than hold my own in Xbox live Halo, yet I'm a semi respectable middle aged professional. I have phenomenal social skills - part of the job - an awesome education and income, and about the best parent I know.

Needless to say, both my girls are video gamers as well as top students in college...

Don't be quick to judge 

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> He stops gaming.


This. 

Step 1) Smash his game system with a hammer 

Step 2) Give him an ultimatum. If he buys another one you WILL DIVORCE him. 

It's YOU or the game. He ignores you because you LET HIM. You have all the power.

(Background: Former gamer, wasted a few years on a RPG. Will never get sucked in again. They are designed to be NEVER ENDING wastes of time whose sole purpose is to suck money out of your wallet.)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> He he.
> 
> I'm world class in Angry Birds and online backgammon, can more than hold my own in Xbox live Halo, yet I'm a semi respectable middle aged professional. I have phenomenal social skills - part of the job - an awesome education and income, and about the best parent I know.
> 
> ...


I still game certainly but it is only when time allows. I do not take time to allow gaming. Sometimes my W will binge watch a soap opera and this allows time to play Fallout 4.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

john117 said:


> He he.
> 
> I'm world class in Angry Birds and online backgammon, can more than hold my own in Xbox live Halo, yet I'm a semi respectable middle aged professional. I have phenomenal social skills - part of the job - an awesome education and income, and about the best parent I know.
> 
> ...


Yeah, but, your girls can't boil an egg. Why didn't you teach them something useful?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KJ_Simmons said:


> I browsed it, but what was that supposed to tell me? I completely agree with the avg age 35 assessment, which further proves my point. Any adult who spends all their leisure time in front of a television is bound to be coming up short in other more important areas of life such as FAMILY, health, career. I've just seen too many IRL and TAM examples of this. And again to be perfectly honest, the ones I've encountered aren't exactly winning at life. Moderation, kimosabe.


You could say that about anything, you could say that about Facebook, Watching TV or even stamp collecting. It has nothing to do with what the hobby is it has to do with the amount of time. What you said is anyone who is a gamer is a loser and that's ridiculous, especially when that paper said that half the country are gamers.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Yeah, but, your girls can't boil an egg. Why didn't you teach them something useful?


One learned eventually by watching YouTube, and is an excellent cook now. The other... Let's just say she's making frantic inquiries to see if incoming medical students are eligible for university residence halls  

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Just got an XBox One with my TV purchase from Best Buy. This thread gave me an itch!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

pygmalioneffect said:


> Do you mean the Autism Spectrum? We do eat dinner together, with our two kids, most days. The odd day there is a gymnastics practice or soccer game, and we may be apart. But most of the days we do eat together. It's very nice. We talk with the kids, hear about their days. But as soon as its done I'm left to clean up and get them running to activities and he goes back to work (we are self-employed....if he got up in the mornings to go to work at a normal time, he would NOT have to work in the evenings). Weekends....the idea of cleaning the house together is actually laughable to me, and dating time? Almost never. It is a daily occurence that, after I work hard all day, feed everyone, run the kids to all of their extracurricular activities, etc. *I get home at 9 pm and start cleaning the house. He sits on the couch gaming. While I'm running around cleaning, making lunches, prepping for the next day, switching up laundry. I run around him for a couple of hours, then fall into bed exhauste*d. And the whole time it's like he can't even SEE ME. He also chooses to operate this way seven days per week - meaning he doesn't take a day off. He does the working, home for dinner, working, home to game, sleep till lunch thing every day. To his credit, he DOES work less hours a few days per week - Mondays he and our daughter go to archery together in the evenings, he and our son participate in motocross weekly and spend a fair amount of time in the garage tinkering with cars and dirt bikes and building things. But he never takes an entire day off unless we are out of the country.


Uhh No. You remove this as an option from him.

Do you have access to your Internet router? You can force his XBox to always be assigned the same address (IP address) with the router by using it's hardware (MAC) address. Then you can assign a schedule to that IP address and limit the time he can access the internet with it.

You'd have to change the router password to one he doesn't know so that he couldn't reset it, although he would always be able to fully reset the router back to factory settings with the reset button. There isn't much you can do about that unless you put superglue in the reset button port and glue it in place.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Well, that is a pretty foolish comment. Here let me educate your ignorance.


I don't think the other posters comment about gamers being socially inadequate losers, nor is it ignorant to suggest that an adult who spends hours upon hours, day after day playing video games to the point that he neglects other important aspects of his life including his significant other isn't a loser.

There is nothing in your provided link that says otherwise.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

pygmalioneffect said:


> Do you mean the Autism Spectrum?


Yes, that is what I meant, sounds like it to me. I have family who works with people who have that and he might fit. He should get tested, or at least you should read about it and see if he fits more of the profile than just what you posted on here.

Regardless what you posted he is a terrible husband (to put it gently). I agree with the other posters you should leave for a while. He needs the come to Jesus moment but honestly if he fixes it, I would still only give him one more chance and if he goes back to those patterns then I would really think if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Feeling alone when you are married to me is the same as spouses who are forced to live a celibate lifestyle because your spouse won't have sex. It's just that you are emotionally celibate. Sucks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

browser said:


> I don't think the other posters comment about gamers being socially inadequate losers, nor is it ignorant to suggest that an adult who spends hours upon hours, day after day playing video games to the point that he neglects other important aspects of his life including his significant other isn't a loser.
> 
> There is nothing in your provided link that says otherwise.





> when I hear that somebody is a "gamer" - I automatically assume they are lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers.


That statement it ignorant, especially when the link I posted says half the country does it, it's also a bigger industry than the movie industry. I apologize if I ruffle any feathers.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> That statement it ignorant, especially when the link I posted says have the country does it, it's also a bigger industry than the movie industry. I apologize if I ruffle any feathers.


I have no clue what you're talking about when you say "the link I posted says have the country does it" and I don't believe that my statement is ignorant simply because the gaming industry happens to be bigger than the movie industry.

Gambling, alcohol, and tobacco industry happen to be very large too, and that doesn't mean those who pursue those particular habits are any better than socalled gamers.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

browser said:


> I have no clue what you're talking about when you say "the link I posted says have the country does it" and I don't believe that my statement is ignorant simply because the gaming industry happens to be bigger than the movie industry.
> 
> Gambling, alcohol, and tobacco industry happen to be very large too, and that doesn't mean those who pursue those particular habits are any better than socalled gamers.


Sorry supposed to say half the country, sometimes I type a word but my fingers type something else. 

Here let me break it down for you.

Assuming someone is "lazy, lack social skills, have no life prospects, and are for lack of a better word - losers" because of their hobby is ignorant. 

Got it?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Sorry supposed to say half the country, sometimes I type a word but my fingers type something else.
> 
> Here let me break it down for you.
> 
> ...


Well, sure if you put it that way. 

Assuming someone is lazy, lacks social skills and may have little to no chance to progress in their lives, because they play video games all day long, to the exclusion of all else to the point that they are neglecting their marriage and are completely oblivious to their partner who is arguably the most important person in their life, is a reasonable conclusion.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

browser said:


> Well, sure if you put it that way.
> 
> Assuming someone is lazy, lacks social skills because they play video games to the exclusion of all else to the point that they are neglecting their marriage, is a reasonable conclusion.


Ahh but that was not what was said. My link basically was to illustrate my point that video games are played by a wide/large variety of people.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Ahh but that was not what was said. My link basically was to illustrate my point that video games are played by a wide/large variety of people.


You said that you provided the link to educate people who are ignorant because they say gamers are losers, societal misfits, who have no life goals. 

Then you say "my link shows how many people are gamers".

I could give you links to AA and drug addiction sites to show you how many alcoholics and drug addicts there are out there but that would prove as little as you did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

browser said:


> You said that you provided the link to educate people who are ignorant because they say gamers are losers, societal misfits, who have no life goals.
> 
> Then you say "my link shows how many people are gamers".
> 
> I could give you links to AA and drug addiction sites to show you how many alcoholics and drug addicts there are out there but that would prove as little as you did.


My link points out all the people who game, it's not the stereotypical guy in his mom's basement, it's half the population men and women. If the point is if you are a gamer we should just assume you are a looser than half the population are losers, it's a stupid point with no basis in fact and or ignorant. Most gamers lead very healthy, social, successful lives, stereotyping them as outcasts is a silly old stereotype and very misinformed. I also wouldn't just assume because someone is an alcoholic or drug addict that they are a looser. Anyway, this is not the point of this thread.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> My link points out all the people who game, it's not the stereotypical guy in his mom's basement, it's half the population men and women. If the point is if you are a gamer we should just assume you are a looser than half the population are losers, it's a stupid point with no basis in fact and or ignorant. Most gamers lead very healthy, social, successful lives, stereotyping them as outcasts is a silly old stereotype and very misinformed. I also wouldn't just assume because someone is an alcoholic or drug addict that they are a looser. Anyway, this is not the point of this thread.


Half of all men and women meet the stereotype of the person who is the topic of this thread, in that they play video games until all hours of the night, day after day, to the point that their significant other is posting about how it is destroying their relationship?

I never knew that.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

My hubby is a gamer. The very first time I talked to him on the phone back in the nineties he was clacking away at his keyboard playing a game. 
I had no idea what that even meant back then...or that it would be something that he would do for the next 23+ years.

The things I have learned are these: 
Don't let the game drown out your voice.
You are more important than his game and if he can't see that he is wrong...not you.

If you aren't getting your relationship needs met he needs to know.
Him blaming you is an out and out cop-out tactic.
Don't back down about what you need from him.

Do not get into a war over how much time he games-vs-how much time he does other things.
Ask for what you need. If he doesn't give it to you or care that you need it he is choosing a virtual reality over you.
Call him on it!

Gamers like you are describing your husband don't have a realistic grasp on time. 
They actually think that hour was only 15 minutes or that they spent much more time with their family than they really did.

My husband has a self imposed timer...for a while he actually had the wifi shut down at midnight in order to force himself to come to bed. 
Now his current game is not online so he has an alarm that goes off at midnight.

But he sees the importance of that because I've told him how lonely I feel without him in bed and what's the use of being married if we don't even sleep together?

Like your H he is social, responsible, and makes a good living. 
My H is an introvert and requires a lot of down time or check-out time in order to rejuvenate. It's just that sometimes he gets carried away.

For a long time he didn't think I cared. He assumed that since I was dealing with it that I was fine. 
Now I realize that I was letting him off way too easy by not talking to him about how his game playing was effecting me.


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## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> My hubby is a gamer. The very first time I talked to him on the phone back in the nineties he was clacking away at his keyboard playing a game.
> I had no idea what that even meant back then...or that it would be something that he would do for the next 23+ years.
> 
> The things I have learned are these:
> ...


Your experience is very valuable to me, tigerlily! I thank you for offering it. It is nice to hear from someone who has made it work! I so admire you and your husband both for being able to communicate your needs and respect each other enough to follow through with providing for them. You describe my H very accurately - he has zero concept of time. He often says he came to bed at 1 or 2 am, when I know it was more like 4 or 5 am. He is often late. He will wait till the very last minute to do things like shower or get ready, and then say it will take him 10 mins to get ready and it takes 30 instead. 

Telling him what I need is a major hurdle because we have a massive fundamental communication barrier. When I say "I need...." or "I feel...." he automatically gets defensive and can't handle any input from me at all. He claims I'm always mad, or some other feeling than I SAY I'm feeling. In every discussion we've had over the past year (I have them all recorded), I tell him how I'm feeling, and he says "no - you're lying. you feel (xyz)" instead. When I say "you think I'm mad, but I do not FEEL mad, why do you think that is? What am I doing that makes you think this?" he says "your body language". I've worked hard to employ communication strategies. Sometimes I'm not 100% efficient at it yet. But his reading my body language is a constant problem. Just yesterday I was standing in our master walk in closet, trying to decide on a plan for organizing something. He was there fixing the light switch. He read me standing there in the closet looking around as me impatiently waiting for him to get out of my way, so he got frustrated with me. I wasn't even thinking anything about him or regarding him at all. What was going through my head had nothing to do with him. I didn't say any words (normal, rational people say "excuse me please" if someone is in their way, right?). I just stood vertically looking around the room, one hand in my pocket and one hand hanging at my side. I've become hyper-sensitive of how my body looks in these scenarios as a way to hopefully dispel any false assumptions by him, so I pay a lot of attention. 

Yesterday he told me he didn't want to live in misery anymore. I said I didn't either. But, I've been in therapy for two years, read dozens of marriage and communication books, employed tons of strategies for making this better - but it isn't working because I'm doing that all alone. It's like I'm playing on this football team but I'm the only one who knows the play or the strategy. You can't win with only one team mate knowing the play. He has shown no interest in trying any of these things, as to him it's simple: I change how I talk, feel, and act. He says I'm the cause of every single issue, since he's so laid back nothing bothers him, so it must be me making all these problems up. It just feels like such a joke. He sincerely believes none of his behavior impacts me or how I feel at all. Last night I told him that in order for me to be willing to continue I need him to STOP telling me my feelings. It's so disrespectful to have your spouse say "no - you don't feel what you say you feel. You're lying. You feel this instead." Like I don't have the mental capacity to know whats happening in my own head. I NEED that to stop. His response? "Sorry, I can't do that until you stop acting the way you act - your body language says you're mad, so whatever you verbally say doesn't count". But his history of reading my body language is regularly inaccurate, so I'm upset that he's willing to base the entire fundamental of all of our marriage issues on an assumption that I feel a certain way when I'm TELLING him that's not what I feel....ugh. It's so tiring to even think about all of this. For so many years he'd say those things to me, I actually started to believe I must be unstable. I've been assessed for bi-polar and personality disorders because he had me questioning my own sanity. There is no other person in my life who reads my body language and gets it so wrong. 

I told him last night. We go to marriage counselling ASAP or after the New Year we need to work up a separation agreement. My initial plan was to give him until June - but it's just enabling him to push the counselling off. I desperately need him to hear me in a neutral zone with an impartial third party present.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are doing the right thing. I am curious, what was his response? Does he get that you are almost done? That soon you will start to detach if you haven't already? Do you have kids? How old are you?

By the way, I don't think any of your problems come from gaming, they come from his lack of respect and desire to hear your side and work with you as a teammate. Right now he really isn't a husband to you at all. It is going to take a monumental effort for someone like him to change, because in all honesty, he sounds inconsiderate, selfish and controlling. He is basically a child, he thinks like a child, tries to manipulate you like a bad child would. 

The thing is everything you are asking for is just the normal stuff in a marital relationship. I will say again though his total lack of social understanding, the lack of the typical normal marital bonding, and his obsessiveness make me think he may be on the spectrum. If so though, this just makes it that much harder.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I agree with the PP that moderation is key, BUT as someone with a wide variety of interests let me tell you I resent my husband at certain points in our lives for being (in comparison to me) so boring. Are you maybe a little jealous that is has more interests and (by default) seems more interesting than you? What are YOUR hobbies? 

Obviously he can't be neglecting time with you or the children,b ut sitting on the couch as a couple is boring AF. What do you do together that offers him some entertainment? 
I agree with you that he needs tto find some balance, but I'd like to know what it is you do with your free time. I'd rather my husband be a surfer one month and a soccer player the next than a couch potato.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

I agree with the poster who questioned if he is on the autism spectrum. My son is high functioning / Aspergers and he's only 13 right now but your husband sounds so much like him! I can't imagine how hard it would be to be married to an adult version of my son. He's so disconnected from other people and much prefers people in games to people IRL. It's lonely enough having a child who is unable to show affection. To have that same behavior coming from the person who is supposed to be your #1 source of support and affection - I don't think I could live with that from a spouse. My son also insists that there is nothing wrong with him and all his problems are caused by others. It's also VERY common for people on the spectrum to have trouble reading others' emotions and body language. My son has gotten in some serious trouble with other kids due to his inability to recognize the non verbal cues that often accompany verbal communication. For example he takes things seriously when others are just joking around, so he gets insulted over what was meant to be a friendly jest.

If you can get him to agree to be tested there are behavioral therapies available, some better than others. But it doesn't sound like he is willing to admit he might have a problem. My only advice to you is to figure out at what point his behavior becomes a deal breaker for you. It kind of sounds like you may already be there.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Both my husband and I are gamers. In fact, my avatar and username are from one of my favorite games. But we rarely play nowadays. Real life takes precedence. We've never put gaming ahead of each other, but if we have a bit of free time it's nice to bond together by playing a game.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I agree with sokillme. He has a complete lack of respect for you. I read what your writing and there are a couple things that stand out. First of all, he has a obsessive personality. I understand bc I do too. My husband doesn't get it, he keeps preaching moderation moderation but that doesn't work for me and for people like your husband. It's either all or nothing. So you can't get advice from people that don't understand obsessive behavior because they will throw moderation which won't work for him and you know it. He needs to stop cold turkey. Maybe later later in the future he can try again. 
The other thing is about you. You are very smart and aware of his neglect to your needs, then I see you defending his behavior a little. I think there is some emotional manipulation going on. And everyone's needs are being met except yours. And your making excuses for it. I don't care if he works hard. What about you! You work hard too, and he can't just escape from the world for hours and ignore you. It's 100% inexcusable and not ok. You deserve a real partner. It sounds to be that you are sweet as can be but you have low self esteem. 
It seems like he will be able to go on like this forever. Going to therapy, pretending to care, but never changing and continueing this way. It doesn't sound like he is going to get an Epiphany and suddenly change. YOU unfortunelty need to do something drastic to wake his ass up. I personally would throw him gaming system out the window. If it's there he won't stop playing bc he is addicted. 
You and your children deserve better. Stop enabling him. You need to be the "*****" and do the right thing. He will hate you right away, but thank you later.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

pygmalioneffect said:


> Your experience is very valuable to me, tigerlily! I thank you for offering it. It is nice to hear from someone who has made it work! I so admire you and your husband both for being able to communicate your needs and respect each other enough to follow through with providing for them. You describe my H very accurately - he has zero concept of time. He often says he came to bed at 1 or 2 am, when I know it was more like 4 or 5 am. He is often late. He will wait till the very last minute to do things like shower or get ready, and then say it will take him 10 mins to get ready and it takes 30 instead.
> 
> 
> 
> Telling him what I need is a major hurdle because we have a massive fundamental communication barrier. When I say "I need...." or "I feel...." he automatically gets defensive and can't handle any input from me at all. He claims I'm always mad, or some other feeling than I SAY I'm feeling. In every discussion we've had over the past year (I have them all recorded), I tell him how I'm feeling, and he says "no - you're lying. you feel (xyz)" instead. When I say "you think I'm mad, but I do not FEEL mad, why do you think that is? What am I doing that makes you think this?" he says "your body language". I've worked hard to employ communication strategies. Sometimes I'm not 100% efficient at it yet. But his reading my body language is a constant problem.



From reading your posts it sounds like you and your husband definitely have deeper issues than just the gaming.

It also sounds like you don't have a communication problem, your husband does.
If you did in the past you are clearly addressing it with therapy and learning.

It's weird but my H does that same thing you are describing. Telling me what I'm feeling. I don't get it...but he has improved in this area.
We just came through a very difficult 4 years that has brought about a complete overhaul of our marriage.
If you read my thread there's more to it.

My advice to you is keep finding out who you are and what you need and how to communicate it. If he doesn't respond to that and isn't willing to meet you there then you will need to move on.  

I'm sorry for the painful season you are in.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I know a bunch of adult gamers btw and none of them is like described here... We are all responsible adults that enjoy gaming rather than TV, golf, sports, etc.

Several of my team at work are gamers and it's not uncommon to be chasing Pokemon during lunch, or for game sound effects to pop up during meetings... But we are all productive and know how to turn it off..

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My ex and I were big gamers. I grew out of it, after having come to terms with my desire to focus on career and stimuli that gets me out of the house. 

I haven't regretted my decision. I was a pc gamer mostly. Lots of resentment associated with my past life and gaming. My rig is now too ancient and my PS has 3 inches of dust on it. I knew that I didn't want to be with another gamer since I lost my drive for it. I wanted a partner that had other hobbies.


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## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

> You are doing the right thing. I am curious, what was his response? Does he get that you are almost done? That soon you will start to detach if you haven't already? Do you have kids? How old are you?
> 
> By the way, I don't think any of your problems come from gaming, they come from his lack of respect and desire to hear your side and work with you as a teammate. Right now he really isn't a husband to you at all. It is going to take a monumental effort for someone like him to change, because in all honesty, he sounds inconsiderate, selfish and controlling. He is basically a child, he thinks like a child, tries to manipulate you like a bad child would.
> 
> The thing is everything you are asking for is just the normal stuff in a marital relationship. I will say again though his total lack of social understanding, the lack of the typical normal marital bonding, and his obsessiveness make me think he may be on the spectrum. If so though, this just makes it that much harder


He is agreeable that neither of us are happy and this needs to change - but I feel he's already more detached than me. He just thinks the change should be me - I'm the one "causing" this to be a problem, so he thinks I should just choose to feel differently, treat him differently. Basically just be fine with however he is. He gets that I'm almost done. I've told him - counselling or separation. That's it. We are sleeping separately as of the last few days. I've told him I just need space. Our kids are 6 and 8. I am 30, he is 37. Honestly I'm not holding out much hope this will work out at this point - childish, selfish behavior doesn't just change at this point in life - he's nearly 40. Becoming very different is unlikely. And that's ok. We will do at least 10 counselling sessions, and hopefully come out knowing we tried everything and we just don't work anymore. I'm hopeful separation can be amicable and respectful. But we will see.



> I agree with the PP that moderation is key, BUT as someone with a wide variety of interests let me tell you I resent my husband at certain points in our lives for being (in comparison to me) so boring. Are you maybe a little jealous that is has more interests and (by default) seems more interesting than you? What are YOUR hobbies?
> 
> Obviously he can't be neglecting time with you or the children,b ut sitting on the couch as a couple is boring AF. What do you do together that offers him some entertainment?
> I agree with you that he needs tto find some balance, but I'd like to know what it is you do with your free time. I'd rather my husband be a surfer one month and a soccer player the next than a couch potato.


Well - this is a bit laughable to me. Since we own our own business that requires 60-80 hours per week from me (depending on the season), I basically single-parent my kids, and maintain and do ALL of the house work alone - I'm not left with a ton of time to do the things I enjoy. I do practice hot yoga 4 mornings per week (very early), which he refuses to try because he isn't "comfortable in the yoga environment" (his words...). Yoga is a major love for me - my instructor hosts regular "couples yoga" sessions and he won't attend despite my expressing I'd like to share this with him. I also go to the gym the other three days per week. I enjoy being physically active, but I also prioritize this because I want to be healthy. My kids and I enjoy hiking - we try to go at least once a week (some weeks work is too busy and I can't manage, but MOST weeks we hike, even in winter when we often snow-shoe). He doesn't generally join us for this. I enjoy being outside in nature. I walk our dog twice daily alone, despite often asking him to join me. I am in a women's group that meets once per month at different activities, which is my only real opportunity to socialize and enjoy some friends. We do something different each month - paint pottery, games night, bowling, movies, roller-skating at the roller rink, etc. I used to be on a bowling league - no time for that now. I used to be an avid sewist, and was successful for some time in the market-community selling my handmade bags, apparel, and household decor. No time for much sewing anymore either - I make the odd gift or contracted piece but that's all. I'm involved in a local fundraising society that helps low-income families in our community - we meet once a month. The kids and I volunteer at the local food bank 4 or 5 times per year. I volunteer in my kids classrooms a couple of times each month. Add any fun days like heading to the zoo or other attraction, birthday parties or events, and I am pretty busy. 

When possible I join H and our Daughter at their weekly archery sessions - but often can't make it if our son has soccer practice or a game. We do all ride bikes together often in the summer months and quite enjoy this. In all honesty - I can't remember sitting on the couch together...in YEARS. The odd time we will watch a movie with the kids as a family, but generally if the TV is on and the kids aren't around, it's him gaming, and I certainly don't sit there and watch it. I'm really not interested in TV much at all. It's not something I seek out as a pass-time for just me, and he doesn't really watch either - he uses it for gaming. Plus there just realistically isn't time for it. My evenings are spent running around cleaning, doing laundry, prepping for the next day, any sports or kids activities, homework, and MAYBE something described in the above paragraph for me. I sleep 5-6 hours per night, then get up early, get the kids out the door, yoga/workout, head to work, work all day, get the kids from school, do homework/chores, feed everyone, get us to all our activities, then head home to clean/laundry/etc. again. I do this 6 days per week. On sundays I don't work - and I use this time to do big jobs around the house (for example, yesterday I painted our bathroom), and spend some time with extended family - we usually have people here for dinner or go to my mom's. Plus - my daughter is a competitive gymnast so at least 1 weekend per month she and I travel to a gym meet out of town. The other weekends she spends a lot of time in training, so I have to get her to and from that. All this running around is made possible only by the fact we are self-employed and I can take off when I need to since there is staff here manning the office. H wakes very late in the morning (sometimes noon), hops into the shower, heads to work till 5, comes home for dinner, goes back to work till 9 or so, comes home to say good night to the kids, and then games till 3 or 4 or 5 am most days. He does take Sundays off, which is when he and our son hang out riding dirt bikes, working in the garage, etc. and monday evenings he takes our daughter to archery. If there is a gym meet or soccer game in town he always makes time for that. Otherwise, what I mentioned above is his daily life. 

Overall, I'm pretty low on the totem-pole, but the notion that I'm "boring" probably only applies if you consider that most of the "things" I do are for others or simply required for me to take care of and support both my kids and my child-husband, manage our business and household, and just live day-to-day. 



> The other thing is about you. You are very smart and aware of his neglect to your needs, then I see you defending his behavior a little. I think there is some emotional manipulation going on. And everyone's needs are being met except yours. And your making excuses for it. I don't care if he works hard. What about you! You work hard too, and he can't just escape from the world for hours and ignore you. It's 100% inexcusable and not ok. You deserve a real partner. It sounds to be that you are sweet as can be but you have low self esteem.


A real partner would be nice....

Certainly my self esteem has suffered. I used to be very confident and self-assured. It's actually something he mentions regularly, that he was so attracted to me when I was super confident and now that's gone. But honestly, after a decade of this emotional turmoil, feeling regularly like he doesn't physically want me, and being treated like I'm crazy, my self esteem has dropped. The last three years in therapy has really helped with that. I'm working on growing that part of me again. 

I guess I really just struggle with understanding the desire to live in the fake-world while those around you, who you supposedly love, are desperate for help, companionship, co-parenting, and interaction with you. I just won't ever get it. It's so not my nature.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I was never accusing you of being boring, I was just asking what it is you do. You'd be surprised how many spouses I run into whom accuse their SO of not spending enough time with them or overall judging their hobbies when they're boring AF.

I would draw the line as soon as as I felt like a single parent. No. He's right THERE. 

If I were you, I'd straight up write him a list of things he's responsible - and attending a soccer game now and then is one of them. That's a joke. I always wondered what parents do when they're not watching their kids hobbies and gaming is not acceptable, IMO.

In the end, you need to choose how drastic you're going to be about this.


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## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I was never accusing you of being boring, I was just asking what it is you do. You'd be surprised how many spouses I run into whom accuse their SO of not spending enough time with them or overall judging their hobbies when they're boring AF.
> 
> I would draw the line as soon as as I felt like a single parent. No. He's right THERE.
> 
> ...


No worries Unicorn - I wasn't offended, I just found it funny. The mere thought of seeming boring is laughable to me because I'm SO busy and exhausted from doing SO MANY things all the time that it just doesn't register for me. 

In all honesty, I'd give a limb or two to have a few solid, full days to spend just lazing about. Mostly to regain some energy! 

I should also clarify - I did say he DOES attend the soccer games and gymnastics meets. But all the practices are on my shoulders to get to (and DD is in practice 16 hours per week), and the general livelihood stuff (like making meals, maintaining the house, cleaning, laundry, homework, etc) is all my job. To be fair I don't think he consciously decides this. I think he just doesn't even consider these things as requirements so they don't even enter his head. He is supportive of his kids - he goes to all their events, parent-teacher interviews, things like that. He is involved in their daily lives. He enjoys being with them. When it comes to ME, though....I'm pretty low priority. He'd rather play video games than have to be around/near/speaking to me. I'm desperate for companionship, conversation, physical and emotional connection, and someone who sees us as a team and appreciates me. 

We had a MC session the other day and I talked about a lot of these things. Yesterday he made the effort to wake up at 6:30, help get the kids out the door, and then we went off to work. TOGETHER. Afterwards we came home together, and he helped me get the house ready and prep dinner, as his parents were coming. I was in a state of partial shock all the while. After his parents left I told him that it meant so much to me to have him on my team all day - I told him I really appreciated all of his effort and help, and that he made time to be home with us in the evening instead of at work. It made me feel like he cared about me and it mattered to him that I had so much to do. I told him it felt so great to not feel alone. We spent some time talking about us, and he told me that he was going to try harder to save us. He came to bed at 11:30 (about 30 mins after me), and we cuddled. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of willingness to change, but time will tell. I won't hold my breath after only one day. But it felt so very good.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

pygmalioneffect said:


> No worries Unicorn - I wasn't offended, I just found it funny. The mere thought of seeming boring is laughable to me because I'm SO busy and exhausted from doing SO MANY things all the time that it just doesn't register for me.
> 
> In all honesty, I'd give a limb or two to have a few solid, full days to spend just lazing about. Mostly to regain some energy!
> 
> ...


I could just be being very optimistic, but it sounds like he simply needed clear expectations and direction, . I imagine he feels pretty silly now that he's aware of how overworked you feel in comparison to him. I don't know if all men are like this, but my husband is helpful when given direct instructions. If I were to be vague and ask him to please "clean up" before guests arrive (for example) he may go do laundry when it would make much sense to clean the kitchen or something. (Like really, who sees a closet, but everyone will be in your kitchen.) It's tough to navigate because you don't want to seem like you're bossing him around by giving instructions, but if they need to be given in order to get things done then that's what needs to happen. 

I'd cut those 16 hours of practice in half. he is now expected to get them to practice half of the time. Or when you're doing that there is a list of other things he needs to do. I hate the word "list" because you don't want him to feel like you're telling him what to do, but if it doesn't "occur" to him to clean up while you're taking the kid(s) to practice then unfortunately you just need to speak up and be clear. Over time, you may be able to just give vague suggestions that he'll pick up on.

It might be useful to post in the Men's section about how to approach the concept of giving your husband direction, chores, etc. without seeming bossy. Heck, I may even post it, lol. It seems useful information to know. I hate telling my husband what to do, but if I don't break it down he won't always get it.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I completely concur with the poster above who said your H needs clear direction. 
This is what has made huge changes in my M but it took us almost losing it to be able to just speak directly to one another.

I was always feeling the sense of, if I have to ask him to spend x amount of time with me everyday then it's not really him wanting to be me with me but me requiring it.
In the end we came up with very very specific things that work for us as a couple. We had to be willing to keep revisiting it because sometimes I would realize after the fact that I hadn't asked for enough of what I needed in fear of asking too much.

What strikes me about men who game (and perhaps other hobbies too, but I just know this one) is that its so much easier to go and get on the game than it is to face anything in real life. And if real life is not making sense or requiring more than said person feels able to understand or face easily, than the game is a safe and predictable place to go. Where the rules are logical and the there is always a prize at the end for achievement.

It sounds like I'm patronizing, but it's a reality. And even respectable, logical, otherwise functioning, adult men get caught up in: game = easy / real life=hard.

So anyway your man is a gamer so he probably likes to have a user manual, hot keys, and strategies for winning.

Give him some!

Not that you are a game. But you can appeal to his need for predictability and the need for achievement by finding out exactly what you need from him and telling him.

For example-Teamwork: what exactly does teamwork look like for you? As was mentioned above, he takes over half the practices with the kids. 
This equals you having some much needed down time...not you filling it with other stuff, but actually taking some time for yourself so that you are rested, and refreshed.
He will also benefit from this.

Time: what time do you want him to come to bed and how often? Maybe he sets a timer ot come to bed at whatever o'clock 5 nights a week...and on two of those nights he goes to bed WITH you. 

Or whatever works for you. And there are many different areas that need to be addressed!

In our equation I need face time. Time where he is looking at me, making eye-contact, no distractions, no screens(!). I need, at the very least, half an hour of this every day.
(When I don't get it I start feeling like it's just me running the show again, and I make sure and get my 'fix' as soon as we can. 

He needs cuddle time. No talking about serious things, just physical touch.I have to set a timer for myself to remember to give him that...even just 5 minutes a day sometimes makes all the difference to him. but i would never remember to do it if I didn't have a timer set. 

What are your love languages?
Most likely your tank is not only on empty but has been for some time...you are probably in a deficit. Let him know that. Tell him the things that you need to feel loved and that you are going to need them in a greater measure for a a while to get back to just breaking even.

Ask him what he needs to feel loved. You mentioned that he feels unhappy too. So he must not be getting his needs met in the M either. 

IM glad that he wants to work on it.

Your sense of feeling in awe of all that he was doing with you the other day and then just hoping that maybe things will change but not counting on it, says to me that you've been treading water for a long time and you are not going to put your hope in him again.

So don't, don't expect him to make changes on his own, because he probably doesn't know day-to-day what to do exactly. Make sure that you are actively asking for your needs and not backing down. At the very least give your marriage this chance to actually speak out all the you feel. If he can't handle it then you may part ways. But why not say the truth if you're potentially going to lose it all anyway, right?

It takes time and diligence for real changes to occur. And it takes both parties to be willing to not let things go and to be willing to keep trying. 

Im rooting for you!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's more than just being a gamer.

Wowaholics Anonymous | Quit WoW Addiction, Win at Life


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

pygmalioneffect said:


> Yesterday he told me he didn't want to live in misery anymore.


Yes, he's got it* SO* tough being a guest at your hotel and having virtually _everything_ done for his lazy ass but you chewing his food for him while he acts like a pimple-faced teenager playing his video games into the wee hours.

Gosh, how tough that must BE for this poor victim to have to deal with YOU busting your ass day in and day out and picking up all his slack. Poor, poor guy.



> "Sorry, I can't do that until you stop acting the way you act - your body language says you're mad, so whatever you verbally say doesn't count".


He's disordered. If he's THAT incapable of understanding the most *basic* of human feelings and desires without having to put some ignorant, biased slant on it, then there's really something wrong with this guy. I agree with the other poster who asked if he was on the spectrum.

It's actually quite comical that HE'S the abnormal one yet *you're* the one who keeps getting tested for bipolar and other disorders.

The _wrong_ one is being tested.


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## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

> I was always feeling the sense of, if I have to ask him to spend x amount of time with me everyday then it's not really him wanting to be me with me but me requiring it.
> In the end we came up with very very specific things that work for us as a couple. We had to be willing to keep revisiting it because sometimes I would realize after the fact that I hadn't asked for enough of what I needed in fear of asking too much.


Yes. This. I'm definitely guilty of this. I completely feel like if I have to beg him to want to spend time with me, then he doesn't really want to. And I deserve to be with someone who does. We talked about this the other day - he says it's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me, its just simple habit and routine to do it this way, so he always falls back to it. To me that's no excuse. But certainly I need to work on being more direct with him in terms of what I need. He always says "I'm not a mind reader!"....I just feel like I'm begging or nagging when I have to ask him to do anything for me. Even when I concentrate on the tone of my voice and my body language being "right". 



> What are your love languages?


I'm Acts of Service, he is Quality Time and Words of Affirmation in almost equal measure (quality time is one point higher). I struggle with Quality Time, as he is so detached from me, and words of affirmation are tough when I feel invisible and unimportant to him. I do regularly try to tell him I appreciate how hard he works to keep our business successful, and any time he does lift a finger around here I really do let him know what a huge help it was and how great it makes me feel to have his help. He doesn't know or care to learn what my love language is. I've asked him. 



> Make sure that you are actively asking for your needs and not backing down. At the very least give your marriage this chance to actually speak out all the you feel.


My therapist does say this to me regularly, and I'm definitely trying. This last few days I've been giving him a list of things I really need his help with to get ready for Christmas. He's done everything on the lists and mentioned that he likes having the clear direction. I also told him I need him to come to bed with me at least twice per week, which he's done for the past two nights in a row. He did ask me if I would be willing to play his game with him and I'm hesitant...but isn't this supposed to be compromising? He says this is something he would enjoy. I'm considering humoring him there....but we will see. It's going to be a long road....but maybe there is hope. 



> It's more than just being a gamer.


Yes. I completely agree. The link you shared is so very sad to me. Thousands of people reaching out for help and understanding. I just can't even imagine it. My husband doesn't play that game specifically, but I think the premise is still the same. 



> Yes, he's got it SO tough being a guest at your hotel and having virtually everything done for his lazy ass but you chewing his food for him while he acts like a pimple-faced teenager playing his video games into the wee hours.
> 
> Gosh, how tough that must BE for this poor victim to have to deal with YOU busting your ass day in and day out and picking up all his slack. Poor, poor guy.


This is often how I feel if I'm honest. I have so much resentment that he can't just behave like a normal adult. There are SO MANY days when I just think - I could easily find a MAN who would love to be with me, who would be on my team and want to be here. Why am I wasting my time here? But then, I see my kids and our business and all the life we have together and it looks a lot less clear.... 



> He's disordered. If he's THAT incapable of understanding the most basic of human feelings and desires without having to put some ignorant, biased slant on it, then there's really something wrong with this guy. I agree with the other poster who asked if he was on the spectrum.
> 
> It's actually quite comical that HE'S the abnormal one yet you're the one who keeps getting tested for bipolar and other disorders.
> 
> The wrong one is being tested.


I do think he suffers from some kind of personality disorder, or a combination of more than one. But, there isn't much likelihood of determining that through testing while he believes he is perfectly normal. I'm hopeful MC will help him see some of this. Honestly, if that doesn't happen, I think I'm out. Regardless. I just can't bear to spend 50 more years with someone who can't see themselves AT ALL. Like not even a little.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Restrict gaming to offline only

We all know what happens in online games:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

pygmalioneffect said:


> He is agreeable that neither of us are happy and this needs to change - but I feel he's already more detached than me. He just thinks the change should be me - I'm the one "causing" this to be a problem, so he thinks I should just choose to feel differently, treat him differently. Basically just be fine with however he is. He gets that I'm almost done. I've told him - counselling or separation. That's it. We are sleeping separately as of the last few days. I've told him I just need space. Our kids are 6 and 8. I am 30, he is 37. Honestly I'm not holding out much hope this will work out at this point - childish, selfish behavior doesn't just change at this point in life - he's nearly 40. Becoming very different is unlikely. And that's ok. We will do at least 10 counselling sessions, and hopefully come out knowing we tried everything and we just don't work anymore. I'm hopeful separation can be amicable and respectful. But we will see.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Good lord...it is exhausting just reading that list of go-go-go. All else aside, have you considered dialing the schedule back a bit?


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

@pygmalioneffect how are things?


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## pygmalioneffect (Nov 28, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> @pygmalioneffect how are things?


My absence has been the result of being very busy. Honestly we aren't in a great place. He's not interested in MC and is very detached. In a basic conversation the other day his sarcastic hurtful comments came back out and I reminded him that when he talks to me that way it really hurts me, and I've been asking him for a decade now to stop the ignorant, sarcastic, cutting remarks. He plainly said "I don't care how you feel and I'd say the same sentence a million times over again if I had the choice". Such a small moment, but a huge mental turning point for me. Just the basic admission that he simply couldn't give to flying ****s about hurting me. That's a pretty clear statement to me that he's done. The pure loathing in his face just made it all click for me. I am now making plans to move to separation. I'm meeting with a lawyer for advice next week. It may take 6 months or so to get things orchestrated. But. The ball is rolling now.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

pygmalioneffect said:


> But he doesn't balance these things out, and he's nearly obsessive about them when he's into them [hobbies]


I'll be Captain Obvious and state that this is the heart of the problem, as likely has been already said by many others on this thread. It doesn't matter if your husband has hobbies, or if these hobbies include playing video games. These are not problems. Him not being able to balance hobbies with a personal, professional, and family life is the real problem. 

You should focus your energies at making him balanced through hard limits. Set boundaries and expectations with your husband to cut his gaming binges down to reasonable proportions; if he really devotes this much time to it (5-6 hr/night, every night), gaming has become an unhealthy addiction for him and you are doing the right thing by seeking advice and being worried. 

Here's my proposal: Articulate that you need him to be more available for you and the kids, and try to create structure in your weekly schedule to this end. Tell him you feel neglected, and that you need date night every week. Tell him that you need help with the kids some mornings, and it can't be that he sleeps in every day. In general, fill up more of his time with couple activities (including sex), as well as family activities on his day's off. If he has huge blocks of time, he'll fill them with gaming unless you fill part of that space with something else.

I do think your husband is entitled to game as a hobby, but in a lesser capacity (1-2 hours most nights) than he does currently. Multiplayer gaming may even be fulfilling a social experience for your husband. Bearing these things in mind, you wouldn't want to wean him off the hobby completely (would likely lead to resentment). Just be way more assertive and work toward getting him to being better at turning off the damn game and directing more attention to his family. 

He will likely get mad at you for challenging his priorities; he likely sees his habit very differently than you. Don't let this deter you in the least! Relentlessly communicate yourself to him until he understands. If his habit continues, it will hurt you more and more, so you must do everything possible to strike a compromise with your husband before considering other (more serious) options, like counseling, temporary separation, or divorce.

Hope this helps. Good luck!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

pygmalioneffect said:


> My absence has been the result of being very busy. Honestly we aren't in a great place. He's not interested in MC and is very detached. In a basic conversation the other day his sarcastic hurtful comments came back out and I reminded him that when he talks to me that way it really hurts me, and I've been asking him for a decade now to stop the ignorant, sarcastic, cutting remarks. He plainly said "I don't care how you feel and I'd say the same sentence a million times over again if I had the choice". Such a small moment, but a huge mental turning point for me. Just the basic admission that he simply couldn't give to flying ****s about hurting me. That's a pretty clear statement to me that he's done. The pure loathing in his face just made it all click for me. I am now making plans to move to separation. I'm meeting with a lawyer for advice next week. It may take 6 months or so to get things orchestrated. But. The ball is rolling now.


Ouch, I'm sorry. I know that hurt.


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