# Do I follow my heart?



## Who.knows (Apr 1, 2009)

Hello to all. I am new to the forums and would like some advice from anyone willing to give it....
When I was 16 I met a girl that was a hostes at my first place of employment. We talked a lot and became somewhat friends but never met outside of work. I asked her out a few times but she declined. I later left that job but went back after to ask her out one last time. She said yes and we began dating exclusively. A short time later I met her family. Her mother greatly disaproved because i was not a Christian at the time. We continued to date anyway and eventually got engaged but her mother made life very difficult for us. She took away and sold her car, kicked her out of the house and pretty much disowned her. Needless to say the pressure was to much for a young couple in love. We young and not prepared for the real world. We didn't know how to handle it, so it tore us apart. 
Fast forward 12 years to the present....She has been married for 10 years with 3 kids, ages 8, 5, and 3. I've been married for 9 years with 2 children, ages 5 and 2. I love my wife and have been relatively happy for most of it. However, I have never stopped thinking about this girl. She was my first true love and the absolute love and joy of my life. I was the one that left her and didn't do so the way that I should have and it has been weighing on my heart ever since. My current wife was aware of this and allowed me to contact her through myspace to appologize. I thought closure would help get her out of my heart and off my mind. I did not. I have never stopped loving her, she was always in my heart and on my mind. We started talking through email and then eventually phone calls. After clearing the air and getting things out in the open, we realized we both feel the same way about each other. She touches my soul now like she did then and like no one else has. Our talks strated out catching up on our past and remenising of our days together. Now, our talks are of the future, things we want to do and how we are going to get there.
I think the questions I have to ask myself are obvious. I just don't know the answers. I'm having a hard time with the idea of leaveing my currrent wife, in part because i know she would not handle it well at all. But most of all I'm having a hard time with the children. Hers and mine. I don't want my kids to think I left them and their mother so I could be with a new family. That would be horrible and not the truth. Also, I absolutely cherish the time I get with my kids and wouldn't want that to be affected. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. Should I tell my wife I'm in love with another woman?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Who.knows said:


> I don't want my kids to think I left them and their mother so I could be with a new family.


Isn’t that exactly what you are doing?? Sure appears so to me. You wanted advice so here it is. Cut all ties with this woman and use that as closure. You are going to seriously hurt a lot of people in continuing down this path. Being a husband who has experienced another man developing a relationship with my wife vie email and phone calls I will leave my personal views of your actions in the closet. Suffice it to say that relationship damaged my marriage, upset my kids and ultimately hurt my wife. Tend to your own marriage and get out of hers.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Dude, you need to wake up. Quit all contact with this other women and realize how much you have with your wife and kids. Have you even considered how many lives your actions will affect? If you have come here wanting sympathy it ain't gonna happen, not with me and likely not with anyone else here either. Read some posts here and see how much pain others are going through because of idiotic actions like you are describing, you need to wake up.


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## Who.knows (Apr 1, 2009)

Does it matter what is in your heart? Should I leave it alone and cut ties reguardless of how she and I both feel? I have said to myself for the past 10 years that I would be with her again if I got the chance.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Who.knows said:


> Should I leave it alone and cut ties reguardless of how she and I both feel?


Yes! Does your heart trump the damage you will be doing to your kids, her kids, your wife, her husband, friends, family.....? Let the past stay there and move forward with your family. There was a reason that relationship didn't work in the first place anyway.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I'll tell ya what, why don't you go ahead and do whatever the heck you want or feel at this time. It really isn't my life or decision so what do I care. But, in a few months, when you are crying the blues and posting on here how you want your wife back, don't get pissed at me when I tell ya told you so.


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## Who.knows (Apr 1, 2009)

sirch said:


> I'll tell ya what, why don't you go ahead and do whatever the heck you want or feel at this time. It really isn't my life or decision so what do I care. But, in a few months, when you are crying the blues and posting on here how you want your wife back, don't get pissed at me when I tell ya told you so.


I'm looking for advice, not an I told you so story. I am in a difficult situation that is going to be hard to resolve, no matter what I do. I have to hurt someone. But aside from all that, I haven't been able to commit to my wife for most of my marrige because of this woman. I have never stopped loving her and my wife has always come second in my heart. It just so happens she is in my life again. Yes, its making it worse, but its just adding to a problem that already exists....


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

You made your choice way back when you married your wife. Cut off contact with this other woman. It's been 12 years and things change. The grass always seems greener, doesn't it? Well, it is not (I know, I learned the hard way). Don't ruin your kids' life, or your wife's, over this. Do the right thing, and I know you know what it is or you wouldn't be here asking for advice.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Listen to them! You have to stop seeing her again, your wife trusted you and your kids loves you.. don't turn their worlds down.. including the other woman's family. Many will get hurt because of this selfishness.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You are only going to have to hurt someone because you brought this woman back into your life. I agree with everyone here - cut it off - you may say "your heart is telling you" but its very very easy to fall in love with someone when all you share is phone calls and emails and memories. You don't live with her, you don't know how you guys would handle the day to day and believe me that day to day will be 10 times harder if you leave your family for her. It sounds like you have a good thing. Its time to take some responsibility and not blame it on "what your heart wants"


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I am sorta in the same boat with who knows, except my marriage hasn't been that great. I'm looking to get out but afaid to hurt my kids. However, I believe that if I'm not happy, I can't do anybody any good. People CHANGE. They have to. Its just the way life is. You just have to be willing to change with it.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

who knows... listen to all the posters, Especially Amplexor. 

Your wife gave her consent , for you to contact this woman, to clear the air, and find closure. And this is what you do to her? You didn't close it, you started it up again. what a horrible dirty trick to play on your wife. Please realize, that your judgment is clouded by the rekinddling of this old flame. In all likelyhood, you and this old girlfriend, would not last anyway, if you left your families to be together. And in the process.. you'd ruin your wife's life, your kids, and this other woman's marriag and her kids' lives.

This is selfish. Plain and simple. Please try to see reason, before you destroy so many lives. Leahdorus is correct... there is No such thing as the Grass is Greener... this thought process is a trap , been around for thousands of years.... grass is never greener, and once you've jumped over the fence to test it out, you probably won't be able to jump back over to your own wife and kids.

I understand you think you love this woman still... but how on Earth can you really know that? You've not lived with her, or seen her in over 10 years... correct? If you were meant to be with her, then you would be. Let this go. That is my advice. Good luck to you... blessings....


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

Why does everyone say the grass isn't greener on the other side? What about all the couples that have a thriving second marriage or relationship????? Isn't it worth a try or is it better to torture yourself?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

racemom said:


> Why does everyone say the grass isn't greener on the other side? What about all the couples that have a thriving second marriage or relationship????? Isn't it worth a try or is it better to torture yourself?


Yes sometimes it is. I think the theme here is he is looking for greener pastures while he is still married to another woman. People can move on to new & better relationships but should never do so while still in one. The current relationship should end before a new one is started. It is very likely the OP is looking at TOW with rose colored glasses and will likely regret leaving his family for a “fantasy” woman. If he is truly unhappy in his marriage that alone would warrant ending the marriage. Reading his post leads me to believe the marriage appears to be a pretty good one with an understanding and loving wife. If TOW wasn’t involved I’d bet the OP wouldn’t even be considering leaving her.


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## Who.knows (Apr 1, 2009)

marina72 said:


> Your wife gave her consent , for you to contact this woman, to clear the air, and find closure. And this is what you do to her? You didn't close it, you started it up again. what a horrible dirty trick to play on your wife. ....


I assure you, it was no "trick". My intensions were genuine and the results were not intended. I seriously wanted to just say I was sorry for hurting her and treating her like I did. It didn't work out then because of who i was. Not because of what we were or were not. Also, I'm not looking at the grass on the other side and thinking about how green it is. I'm thinking, this grass feels like home.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'm sorry you did not like any of our advice. Are you certain you were not just looking for someone to tell you it was okay to follow your heart? Maybe you wanted someone to agree whole heartedly with what you're doing, and tell you it's okay to leave? Just trying to be totally honest with you. You asked if anyone thought you should follow your heart, and we gave an answer. I guess it was not the advice or answer you wanted to hear. I posted my opinion and advice , that is all anyone can really do. You got upset with almost all of us. I'm sorry if it's not what you were hoping to here. I do wish you luck though, in your marriage. And I hope you can come to find some sort of peace, whatever the basis of that peace is..... Take care...


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## Who.knows (Apr 1, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Yes sometimes it is. I think the theme here is he is looking for greener pastures while he is still married to another woman. People can move on to new & better relationships but should never do so while still in one. The current relationship should end before a new one is started. It is very likely the OP is looking at TOW with rose colored glasses and will likely regret leaving his family for a “fantasy” woman. If he is truly unhappy in his marriage that alone would warrant ending the marriage. Reading his post leads me to believe the marriage appears to be a pretty good one with an understanding and loving wife. If TOW wasn’t involved I’d bet the OP wouldn’t even be considering leaving her.


I'm not moving on for quite a while if I even do. Job commitments will have me out of the country for an extended period of time. Even if I wasn't going to be out of the country, I would wait an extended amount of time to make sure its not just excitement of a rekindled (sp?) love. You may be right, she may be the "fantasy" woman. I honestly don't think that is the case, however. Yes my wife is understanding and loving. I would be a fool to leave her. I know this and yet here I am.


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## Who.knows (Apr 1, 2009)

marina72 said:


> I'm sorry you did not like any of our advice. Are you certain you were not just looking for someone to tell you it was okay to follow your heart? Maybe you wanted someone to agree whole heartedly with what you're doing, and tell you it's okay to leave? Just trying to be totally honest with you. You asked if anyone thought you should follow your heart, and we gave an answer. I guess it was not the advice or answer you wanted to hear. I posted my opinion and advice , that is all anyone can really do. You got upset with almost all of us. I'm sorry if it's not what you were hoping to here. I do wish you luck though, in your marriage. And I hope you can come to find some sort of peace, whatever the basis of that peace is..... Take care...


I really am sorry if I came across that way. I appreciate the advise and think I see more clearly now. However, am I not entitled to a rebuttle if I feel someone isn't clear on what I'm feelings or if I would like to reply to something said by others. I think thats what these forums are for. I'm not trying to argue here. Just trying to say everything I'm feeling. Remeber, I'm the emotional person needing help. So I may act differently than expected.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Who.knows said:


> I assure you, it was no "trick". My intensions were genuine and the results were not intended. I seriously wanted to just say I was sorry for hurting her and treating her like I did. It didn't work out then because of who i was. Not because of what we were or were not. Also, I'm not looking at the grass on the other side and thinking about how green it is. I'm thinking, this grass feels like home.


I hope it's not your final decision. I hope you'll realize that there's no place like home as your family.. your own family.. your wife.. who's always been there for you.. who support and trusts you. 
Why will you go back to the relationship that doesn't work in the first place? Maybe you just felt like you have unfinished business with her, and you think that you still love her because of your past.. past is past.. you have separate married lives now, with kids.. and just work on that.. not her.
And I, and we are saying these to you because we want you to take the right side.. and what's best for you and your family.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

It is not a big deal. I am sure you didn't mean me any harm. I am only trying to help. That's all anyone here wants , help for themselves, and to help others. Believe me, you're not the only one who is emotional, having a hard time, or needing help. Most of the people who post for you, are also asking for advice about their own problems. We all have some sort of battle to fight. That is true I think about all humans. Perhaps it can be something that binds us together as a race. The fact that we all love, hurt, experience painful events, and then we die too. 

I do have my own issues. Not the same as yours granted. But, you have so much to be thankful for, I'm certain you know that. 

Life can be cruelly stolen away, in a moments notice. We can be here one day, gone the next, before we were ready. My Dad called me on the phone when I was 12 years old, to chat, the next day, he was dead.... a fire. My Mom (my parents were divorced) had to be the one to break the news to my sister and I.

I have recently been told a septated cyst found on my right ovary might be cancer. I had a blood test, thanks be to God it came back with good results... but.... I have to have another ultrasound in one month, and if it's not gone , or shrinking... I'll have to have it removed, and there's the possibility I will lose that ovary...

So you see, we all have things in life that make us hurt, feel pain, and wonder... why me? I learned after the death of my Dad, that this question, why me... there isn't an answer, except to say that God loves me, and no matter how many bad things happen in my life, this will always be the constant. He must have really needed my Dad with him, and knew that I'd eventually be okay without him, till I see him again. 
Remember that your wonderful family,,, your loving, understanding wife, your beautiful children with her... those are the greatest gifts God can give you. Your health, hoping it's good....... it's a gift, trust me. So, try to keep things in perspective. Remember why you married that wonderful woman that you call wife. She is your top priority, and you made vows to her. Please do everything in your power to keep those vows... Update us if you want to, or can... blessings...


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