# Wife is packing her bags...



## Mr. Dude (Apr 28, 2012)

She is fed up after 9 years of marriage and she's threatening to leave. I believe she will, and I believe it is all my fault. There are a couple of underlying issue here; her chronic illness/my sexual compulsion and neither of our needs being met. Here's a quick synopsis:


Wife has Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD) and Bladder issues that have killed her sense of sexuality
Sex is possible but it is painful for her unless she is completely warmed up, unfortunately I'm disinterested by that time
Turns out, I have a slight sexual compulsion problem which just exacerbates the issue
She is 10 years older than I am (44/34)
She has Asperger syndrome (AS)
I have Adult ADHD

I'm having trouble seeing my way through this clearly. I do not want her to leave because she is my wife but I can't come up with any good reasons she should stay. 

I've unknowingly become toxic to my wife and although we've had several discussions on the matter, I'm just now realizing the negative impact my actions have had on her. I seem to have stripped her self esteem and self worth with my passive aggressive ways. I love her and did not intend for this direction in our relationship.

Sex? The sex is an issue. I love sex! Who doesn't? But her plumbing problems make it hard for her to have frequent or spontaneous sex. We've never had a quickie, I've had 4 BJs in the last 9 years, and I can last a lot longer than her in bed. I can go multiple times and she just can't, there's just too much pain in it for her.

It's not a one ways street though, there's a whole lot that she's not getting from me: I don't prioritize our relationship; work is always first; only touching I do has to has to lead to sex; I don't work on the problems when I say I will; etc. She doesn't get the emotional and loving support from me that she is supposed to.

The sex is only going to get more infrequent over time. Eventually she will have tubes sticking out of her belly for dialysis and sex will be the last thing on her mind. I imagine that I'll still have the same wild sex drive that I do now; at least relative to hers.

Oh yea, she can't afford medical treatment without me and she doesn't care about maintaining her illness if she's not with me. I feel extremely responsible for her care to say the least.

Anyone been through this? I'm having trouble seeing the long-term well being for us both here. 

Thanks for any input.
(maybe I should have posted this on a psych board!)


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

In sickness and in Heath was a vow you took. You said you don't want her to leave but can't think of any good reasons for her to stay..... I think that said it all. I think ou should seek help from the separation forum, since the sex issue isn't your only problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya but she's the one packing!!!!!!!!!!

Right now your W wants a confident man and it might serve you well to acknowledge her feeling and tell you you love her, but you will not control her. 
Smile and help her pack.

The confidence that this will exhibit may show her that you are strong enough to move on with out her but will support as long as she wants the support.

You can't control her, but you can control how you behave and if begging and pleading for her love works for you then go for it. Most likely it will look unattractive and weak, and my thinking is she's looking for strenght in you. Thats my @0.02


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## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

recognizing your faults is a good start, ask you wife to check out the "walkaway wife syndrome" after you give her a speech about how you have recognized your flaws...


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

damn... your situation really does suck. i get kinnda depressed when my hubs has a cold and he's off limits... i cant imagine. 

your options are limited.. but i would try to look at it from her point of view more than yours. this poor woman is sick and feels like crap just because those were the cards she was delt. its nothing she did.. some people just get sick. when my husband gets sick he's all whiney and annoying.. but he says "i cant help it, baby.. please" .. then i think.. damn i'm such a bi tch.. all i can think about is my vag while my poor boo feels like poo. i realize this is not the same thing.. but you still have to have some degree of compassion, right?

if she has serious health issues i'd really try to have her stay. she needs you...

best of luck.


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