# Husband feeling left out



## 77firebird (Aug 4, 2017)

I have been married for 25 yrs. 

I have a wonderful relationship with my wife. Curious tho I bought I vibrator for for us to spice things up a little in the bedroom.

Well I have noticed that while my wife says she does not like to use it she has been using it, and when I ask her if she has helped herself which I have no problems with she tells me no.

She is always willing to help get there. Question more geared to the women. Is this normal behavior? My wife is shy I’m trying to get her to loosen up with me. Not quite sure what to think. I am excited that she’s using it I just wish she wouldn’t lie to me. 

Women should I talk to her or give her space to explore.

Thanks for any advice.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Yep give her space.

Especially if she is a bit shy about sex.... Masturbating can leave people feeling really exposed and vulnerable. Add with it all the stigma many women were raised with regarding masturbation, it can be hard for some women to relax and enjoy without a lot of privacy.

I don't know, how would you feel if she bought you a flesh light, and then told you to jack off into it for her? Some would feel no qualms, others might too embarrassed to do it.

How about asking to bring the vibrator when you two have sex, and use it on her while asking questions about how she likes it?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

77firebird said:


> I have been married for 25 yrs.
> 
> 
> ......wife says she does not like to use it she has been using it, and when I ask her if she has helped herself which I have no problems with she tells me no.
> ...


Let's be blunt, you are asking us after 25 years of marriage? That indicates a real problem right there.

Yes, some people (men and women) have been raised to believe that masturbation is a horrible sin. My wife for example. As she explained to me if she had sexual thoughts or touched herself those were serious sins that required her to make confession to a priest who was old enough to be her father and he would tell her how evil ti was and how she must repent and not do that again. That pretty well traumatize her about masturbation.

You've been married 25 years and this is the problem you want resolved? 

Another problem is that you can't change your spouse, only they can change themself.


> I’m trying to get her to loosen up


. Don't push her. Tell her what you want from her and then let her decide if she can provide it. If she tries provide positive reinforcement for the changes you like.

Maybe you can tell her what the sex therapist marriage counselor that helped save my marriage of 40+ years told my wife and I.............."sex should be playful, exploratory and fun." Then ask her (don't tell her) if there are any things you can do to make it more playful for her? 

Good luck.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Give her space...all she needs...do not bring it up. Be happy in the fact she has chosen the freedom to learn about herself. Any pressure from you will kill it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I would not confront her about it. I think she's ashamed about it and cause her to pull away even further. Ask her if she'll let you use it with her with the lights off.


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

not sure there's any point trying to "spice things up" in a way she doesn't appreciate... yes possibly she physically enjoys it and only psychologically feels ashamed, either way she doesn't want to do this with you.

Why don't you tell her you'd love to spice things up, are there any ways she'd like to do that


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

You are going to have to softly encourage her to partake and relax. Asking to use the vibrator during sex is a good way to do that. Show her that it's ok to be sexual and explore.

Pushing will drive her further into her shell.

Good. Luck.


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## 77firebird (Aug 4, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> You are going to have to softly encourage her to partake and relax. Asking to use the vibrator during sex is a good way to do that. Show her that it's ok to be sexual and explore.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks for the advice


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## davep1128 (Oct 3, 2017)

Most women, I've noticed, have a problem with sharing experience because they want something to theirselves. I have the same problem with my wife and I'm still trying to get her to open up. It will take time. 

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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

davep1128 said:


> Most women, I've noticed, have a problem with sharing experience because they want something to theirselves. I have the same problem with my wife and I'm still trying to get her to open up. It will take time.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk



I wouldn't necessarily say it's because they want something to be private/just for themselves, but more that a lot of women are under pressure to "perform" when they're with a partner, so it's easier and more relaxing to just be on their own when it comes to exploring themselves.


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