# Filed: 28 YO F w/ young kids scared



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I’m 28 years old. Married 8 years. Kids are 2,3 and 7.

I work full time. So does my husband. He also smokes pot all day when home. Is a very angry person. Had sex with a 20 year old 2 days before our 3 year old was born and I found out the day of. It was awful. it’s just been an awful relationship. I stayed because of his promises to change and my vision of a happy family (they never happened).

I decided to leave 2 weeks ago. I had enough. During this pandemic, he’s been smoking 24/7 all day everyday. High in front of the kids. He stinks. I can’t stand it.

my mom called and offered me a place to stay and help with the kids until I found work. She lives 4 hours away. So I came here to her house.

the first few days he ignored me. But I filed for separation and now he’s begging for me to come home and fix things. The attorney filed for me to have sole custody until he is sober for 6 months, only supervised visits until then.

the whole thing seems a little scary. My 7 year old is asking about his daddy. I feel very guilty. But it was a terrible situation. I have no support where we lived. Ugh. What am I doing! Will I even don’t another man when I have three kids? So many thoughts running through my head. I just need support.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You can do this. IMO: you have made a wise decision. He does not sound like he was ever fully committed to y'alls marriage. His infidelity (that you know about) and his being more dedicated to pot than family suggest immaturity and cheater mentality that will not change permanently. You are setting a good example for your kids.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

First congratulations. You've taken the first step to getting your life back and having a happy future. Will it be hard yes. Will it be better than having your children grow up thinking this is normal and seeking relationship with a person like this yes. Will it be better than finding your 12 year old smoking pot because daddy does it? Yes.

Will you find another relationship with 3 kids. Probably. But don't worry about that. First deal with you. Deal with the divorce. Give yourself time to heal. Make sure your kids know you love them, daddy loves them and this isn't about them. 

Then in the future you can worry about another man.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oh and get checked for STD's


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

First of all, don't worry about getting another man with three kids. The last thing you need to be thinking about is another man. You are still very much entangled with the one you have. And it may be years before you are divorced, healed and healthy enough to both be, and find, a great partner. 

Instead, focus on moving forward one step at a time. Thinking about a single next step will seem much less daunting than trying to contemplate all the possible what-ifs of the rest of your life. So, just focus on whatever one thing is next. 

Do you have your own bank accounts in just your name? If not, then do that. 
Do you have your very own PO Box and do you have your mail forwarded to it? If not, then do that.
Do you have a job? If not, then you're going to need one, so start polishing up your resume and applying.
Has your attorney asked you for any paperwork? If so, start getting those documents together. 

Don't try to worry about everything for the next 10 years. Worry about what one thing needs to be done next and go do it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you did the right thing. Now take the next step.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You have already done the hard part.
Just follow it to the end.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

sunsetmist said:


> You can do this. IMO: you have made a wise decision. He does not sound like he was ever fully committed to y'alls marriage. His infidelity (that you know about) and his being more dedicated to pot than family suggest immaturity and cheater mentality that will not change permanently. You are setting a good example for your kids.


I’ve gotten a therapist since all of this started and she said the same thing about him not being fully committed. Ever.

I second guess myself. Is it right for me to “take my kids 4 hours from their dad” ?
Will I find a job here? I have a wonderful career and made good money back home. I am currently on a leave being paid due to Covid and the daycares being closed. I plan to quit once I find a new job. So I am still being paid.

but all the what if’s eat at me.

I don’t know how my child will re act. My therapist did give me good advise on how to talk to him though.

his mom makes me feel guilty. Texted me on Mother’s Day saying she can’t wait til this is he texted me saying he stopped smoking.

mu therapist said it doesn’t matter if he stops. Me and the kids still need to heal from years of this.

Hmmmm


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

thesky1291 said:


> he texted me saying he stopped smoking.


So you believe this why? You said this:


thesky1291 said:


> I stayed because of his promises to change and my vision of a happy family (they never happened).


AND he didn't hold up to THOSE promises, so I'd say his track record is poor.
If HIS Mom tries to guilt you, tell HER about what her son has done to you and the family... Ask her what SHE would do if she was treated like this?

You may want to get a therapist for your child also if you think he needs it after he finds out.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> So you believe this why? You said this:
> 
> AND he didn't hold up to THOSE promises, so I'd say his track record is poor.
> If HIS Mom tries to guilt you, tell HER about what her son has done to you and the family... Ask her what SHE would do if she was treated like this?
> ...


you are SO right. But why do I feel so obligated to be the one to keep our family together?Why do I feel so guilty like I am the one doing this? I feel like if he says he has stopped, I should go back. That I shouldn’t be honest with my child.That I’m being a drama queen. Why do I feel this way. Wish therapy was an everyday thing.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

thesky1291 said:


> I’ve gotten a therapist since all of this started and she said the same thing about him not being fully committed. Ever.
> 
> I second guess myself. Is it right for me to “take my kids 4 hours from their dad” ?


Based on what he dealt you, yes. 


thesky1291 said:


> Will I find a job here? I have a wonderful career and made good money back home. I am currently on a leave being paid due to
> Covid and the daycares being closed. I plan to quit once I find a new job. So I am still being paid.
> but all the what if’s eat at me.


Uncertainty is no picnic, I don't mean to downplay what you have on your plate. But it wasn't like you left the ideal situation to get here. 


thesky1291 said:


> I don’t know how my child will re act.


It's no picnic for him either, but compare it to how he'd grow up w/ angry stoner cheating dad. You aren't God, you can't just make everything into what it ought to be. You can only do the best you can with what you have, and I think you are.

On a practical note, can you afford a place near your job if they call you back?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

thesky1291 said:


> you are SO right. But why do I feel so obligated to be the one to keep our family together?Why do I feel so guilty like I am the one doing this? I feel like if he says he has stopped, I should go back. That I shouldn’t be honest with my child.That I’m being a drama queen. Why do I feel this way. Wish therapy was an everyday thing.


You feel this way BECAUSE you are the giving type -- you WANT that family closeness and togetherness, you WANT to have a loving husband that puts you ahead of smoking pot.
You feel like he has stopped so you should go back -- that is GUILT and he knows your buttons. He is TRYING to do whatever he can so you will come back.

For some of your answers, you have it -- talk with your therapist.
It DOESN'T sound like drama queen stuff from what you've written.
He smokes pot IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS (what kind of example is that?). He is unhygienic. He is angry all the time. He CHEATED ON YOU for God's sake!
BE honest with your child. BUT make it age-appropriate.
SAYING he is going to do something, or did something is WAY different from SHOWING that in his actions. I don't think in 2 weeks he's done any work on himself.
Has he gone to a therapist about WHY he cheated? Or WHY he is so angry? Or WHY he is so dependent on pot? Has he SHOWN you in his ACTIONS that he is trying to change?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The odds that his promises to change will pan out are minimal. The truth is that few people put in the time and effort to change long-term. Too much work and not enough motivation. 

I can tell you from experience that you can always come up with “reasons“ to stay in a dysfunctional marriage. I did for decades and I don‘t recommend it. Is divorce easy? Definitely not but it’s worth it in order to have a better life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men like him look for women like you. That’ll be the rest of your life if you let it.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> You feel this way BECAUSE you are the giving type -- you WANT that family closeness and togetherness, you WANT to have a loving husband that puts you ahead of smoking pot.
> You feel like he has stopped so you should go back -- that is GUILT and he knows your buttons. He is TRYING to do whatever he can so you will come back.
> 
> For some of your answers, you have it -- talk with your therapist.
> ...


Why does he want me to come back though? Why wouldn’t he just want to be single and do what he wants? It’s so weird to me.
He did start seeing a therapist last week, because I told him that’s part of what’d it’d take to get us back. That weekly. Being drug free for 6 months along with drug test.
I’d prefer to live near my family. I can afford my own place but have so much more support here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants you back because he doesn’t want a divorce. He wants the comfort and convenience of marriage while he does as he pleases. Could he change with time? Maybe. But “time” is the key word.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

When you say you want to hold your family together, I shudder. As a father, husband, adult he has had ample opportunity to be part of a loving family and not just a sperm donor. Sounds like he has continued to live a single life. 

He doesn't want the world to blame him for his shallow promises. Do not let anyone guilt you--especially MIL. You have lived this life. You are young and strong enough to recover from his false presentation--the man/boy you thought you loved.

You have a tender heart. Make up your mind and do not listen to all the multitude of advice--it will drive you to utter frustration. Do you want this kind of husband and father? He has shown you who/what he is--believe him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

thesky1291 said:


> Why does he want me to come back though? Why wouldn’t he just want to be single and do what he wants? It’s so weird to me.
> He did start seeing a therapist last week, because I told him that’s part of what’d it’d take to get us back. That weekly. Being drug free for 6 months along with drug test.
> I’d prefer to live near my family. I can afford my own place but have so much more support here.


So, I don't know your H, so I can't REALLY say. My guess, he's comfortable with the life you had together. You took care of him and his kids, he got to smoke dope and do what he wanted knowing that you were just going to be there, no matter what he did. He doesn't need to be SINGLE to do what he wants -- he was already doing that.
So, You have your list of what he needs to do -- STICK to that if you are not ready to give up on the marriage. Be clear to him what those things are (you may want to research a bit and make sure ALL of what you want is in that list). There are others here who HAVE done reconciliation and maybe they can help add to the list of things you may want to consider.

Make sure he shows via his ACTIONS that he is willing to do what you need in your H. I'd make sure after a while that you talk with his therapist -- make sure he is going regularly. Make sure he knows why he acts the way he does and what work he is doing to change that.

So, if you want to live where you are now, after you get your other conditions satisfied, can't he move to where YOU are? May not be a bad idea to get him away from bad influences (i.e. friends that want to party with him). That can also be a condition. Look this is YOUR life -- YOU get to make the rules of what you want to put up with and what you want IN your life. Please take some time to think about that and what YOU want without letting guilt about him color those decisions.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@thesky1291 you have done the right thing. An addict will make all the promises they can to lure you back in and then break every one of them. Why should you be concerned about him right now? The best thing for you and your family is to get another place to live, a job and some stability in terms of day care etc for your children. Do you have any close friends you can rely on back home or confide in? Your mother will not be the support you need. 
You should also look into a local Nar-Anon for the family of addicts.
You feel this way because you are co-dependent after years of trying to cover for him, holding it all together. Now it is time to let that go. Read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It takes some time losing that co-dependency and in the early stages it is easy to get sucked into the care giver role. The fact you are 4 hours away is great.

Of course he will beg you to come back and promise you the earth. Don't believe a word of it and tell him when he shows you through action (e.g. staying clean for 12 months, getting a decent job, paying the bills, supporting his kids, etc). Then you will believe it.

You can do this, just take one day at a time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> his mom makes me feel guilty. Texted me on Mother’s Day saying she can’t wait til this is he texted me saying he stopped smoking.


Have you told his mother what he has been doing with the cheating, pot, and basically not being a responsible husband and father?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

ugh I’m going to flip. A hole was mailing me flowers and my daughters blanket the first few days. Now that he knows I am serious he won’t send my sons Nintendo switch saying “tell him he can have it when y’all come home”.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

thesky1291 said:


> ugh I’m going to flip. A hole was mailing me flowers and my daughters blanket the first few days. Now that he knows I am serious he won’t send my sons Nintendo switch saying “tell him he can have it when y’all come home”.


See, this is all manipulation to get what he wants -- YOU to go home and get back to the status quo so that he can continue living like he was. I don't see any remorse here or any attempt at REALLY getting better...


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> See, this is all manipulation to get what he wants -- YOU to go home and get back to the status quo so that he can continue living like he was. I don't see any remorse here or any attempt at REALLY getting better...


yeah it seems like he is only willing to do any “work” if it means I am coming home now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

That sucks. He should be doing the work to improve HIMSELF. He needs to get HIMSELF under control, for his OWN good. Once he starts getting that together, then he can work on the marriage, but if he doesn't show that he is improving, doesn't bode well (I'm sorry to say -- and I know this is terribly hard on you and your family).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> yeah it seems like he is only willing to do any “work” if it means I am coming home now.


This is a typical ploy. They do some play acting for a few days to get you to move back in with them. Then they feel that they won and go back to old habits.

Since his little game did not work, he's trying another manipulation.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Last night he sent me this long message saying that I ruined his life. Took his kids. Made it to where he’ll never coach his boys teams like he has in the past or fix his daughters hair. And thanked ME for all of that. . . . . He said “I made mistakes but you chose this”


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

thesky1291 said:


> Last night he sent me this long message saying that I ruined his life. Took his kids. Made it to where he’ll never coach his boys teams like he has in the past or fix his daughters hair. And thanked ME for all of that. . . . . He said “I made mistakes but you chose this”


I'd reply. No you chose this by becoming an addict and unreliable parent and spouse.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Now he is saying he is saved by Jesus and I need to pray and ask god if I am making the right decision .... good lord


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

thesky1291 said:


> Now he is saying he is saved by Jesus and I need to pray and ask god if I am making the right decision .... good lord


Don’t respond to this crap. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Don’t respond to this crap.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


why is it so hard for
Me to stop reminding him this is his fault?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> why is it so hard for
> Me to stop reminding him this is his fault?


It's because you are angry and want him to recognize/admit that he screwed up. 

You do not need to keep reminding him that it's his fault for being a irresponsible spouse/parent and an addict. You have already told him that. He's trying to trigger you to get you engaged in any way he can.

Have you considered that you will need to del with him for the rest of your life since he's the father of your children? That's whether or not you stay married to him. This might be a good time to get him into counseling so that the two of you can at least learn how to co-parent, if not fix your marriage... hell might freeze over and he might just grow up 

Have you told your counselor about his latest communications? What does your counselor say for you to do about responding to him?

There is another issue that you are not considering. You moved your children out of their family home. Technically you do not have the legal right to do this without your husband's agreement. He has the same legal parental rights that you do. At this point, he has communication from you in which you state that you have on intention of moving back with your children, right? All he has to do is to get an attorney can have an emergency court hearing and the order will order that you return the children to their family home.

Here's my experience with this. I moved with my son when he was 3.5 years old because my husband (son's father) was physically abusive. I had never called the police on my husband when he was physically abusive so there was no record of the abuse. My then husband got a lawyer and called an emergency court hearing. The judge (a woman) said that since there is no record of my husband being physically violent I was lying. He than gave my husband 100% custody of our son. I ended up canceling the divorce petition and returned to the family home to and stayed married for 4 more years and built a solid case.

Is your mother's house in the same state where you lived with your husband? Or did you move your children out of state? If you moved them out of state, that bolsters his argument. He could claim that you kidnapped the children. The court system in each state frown on parents who unilaterally move children out of their state of record.

While your husband's behavior it not good, he is still the father of your children. You are going to have to deal with him on some level even if you get a divorce. If he realizes his rights as a parent, he is going to get about 50% custody and time with his children.

You need to talk to an attorney ASAP and find out your legal rights in this situation.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It's because you are angry and want him to recognize/admit that he screwed up.
> 
> You do not need to keep reminding him that it's his fault for being a irresponsible spouse/parent and an addict. You have already told him that. He's trying to trigger you to get you engaged in any way he can.
> 
> ...


Ahhhhh your story is very scary.
I do have an attorney who said that given the situation, I was ok to move out of state with the children. The separation papers give me sole custody with him visitation only after he’s been sober for 6 months. Hmmmmmmmm.

I am hoping we can stay cordial and the fact he has no money for an attorney (or family, or credit, or anything) he won’t get one.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I mean they could prove he’s on drugs though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> I mean they could prove he’s on drugs though.


Only if he voluntari


thesky1291 said:


> Ahhhhh your story is very scary.
> I do have an attorney who said that given the situation, I was ok to move out of state with the children. The separation papers give me sole custody with him visitation only after he’s been sober for 6 months. Hmmmmmmmm.
> 
> I am hoping we can stay cordial and the fact he has no money for an attorney (or family, or credit, or anything) he won’t get one.


Oh yea, I forgot that you mentioned the separation papers.

Well, he could go to court and ask that they have you pay his legal fees. Not trying to scare you here. Just bringing up things that I've seen happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> I mean they could prove he’s on drugs though.


Only if he agrees to a drug test. But I suppose that could be taken as admission on his part.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> Ahhhhh your story is very scary.
> I do have an attorney who said that given the situation, I was ok to move out of state with the children. The separation papers give me sole custody with him visitation only after he’s been sober for 6 months. Hmmmmmmmm.
> 
> I am hoping we can stay cordial and the fact he has no money for an attorney (or family, or credit, or anything) he won’t get one.


When i moved out with my son, it was because my attorney, who was very accomplished, told me that it was a best thing to do and that the court would have no problem with it. But, the problem was that my now ex had his attorney request a judge (a woman) who was known to almost always find against the wife no matter what the husband/father had been up to. My lawyer was shocked at the judge's decision.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Only if he agrees to a drug test. But I suppose that could be taken as admission on his part.


before I chose my attorney I sat with 4 different attorneys total. I told each of them my plans and they all said it was fine. But yes, I have thought about this being an issue .


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When i moved out with my son, it was because my attorney, who was very accomplished, told me that it was a best thing to do and that the court would have no problem with it. But, the problem was that my now ex had his attorney request a judge (a woman) who was known to almost always find against the wife no matter what the husband/father had been up to. My lawyer was shocked at the judge's decision.


wow! That’s nuts! What state are you in?im in Ga/SC and the attorneys all said the judges here are very hard on dads like him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> before I chose my attorney I sat with 4 different attorneys total. I told each of them my plans and they all said it was fine. But yes, I have thought about this being an issue .


Sounds like you are covering your bases.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> wow! That’s nuts! What state are you in?im in Ga/SC and the attorneys all said the judges here are very hard on dads like him.


I'm in New Mexico. That particular judge caused a lot of problems here for years. I waited until she was no longer a judge to file again.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

HELP! Last night he said he had a surprise - something to show me and the kids how much he loves us. 
pretty sure he is driving here right now. He put new tires on the car. And I can see gas purchases in a town that is about halfway between here and there done around 6am today. 
ahhhhhh. My family is going to like kill him lol. 
he said he can almost pass a drug test. It’s a faint line now. Hmm


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what happened? What did you have for you all?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So what happened? What did you have for you all?


he drove all this way just to bring our sons Xbox and the kids toys and some extra clothes and things they left. He left them in my car along with a letter saying he’s so sorry and stuff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> he drove all this way just to bring our sons Xbox and the kids toys and some extra clothes and things they left. He left them in my car along with a letter saying he’s so sorry and stuff.


So how do you feel about that?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So how do you feel about that?


i think it was one of the first times he’s gone above and beyond to show he loves us. 
but I don’t think one time of me feeling that way is enough.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> i think it was one of the first times he’s gone above and beyond to show he loves us.
> but I don’t think one time of me feeling that way is enough.


That makes sense.

I can see this being interpreted in two ways. 1) It's his latest form of attempted manipulation or 2) it has finally dawned on him that he's going to lose you and the children and he knows he caused this by acting badly to you all.

I agree that one act of thoughtfulness is not enough, a complete change in his behavior over a period of time would be needed.

Would you be open to marriage counseling and working on improving things while you two live apart for a while?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> That makes sense.
> 
> I can see this being interpreted in two ways. 1) It's his latest form of attempted manipulation or 2) it has finally dawned on him that he's going to lose you and the children and he knows he caused this by acting badly to you all.
> 
> ...


I am open to that, just not sure how to go about it. Right now we are both in individual counseling. Not sure if we should do more of that first. I really don’t want to jump back into things. I don’t want to go home. I can’t.

I did tell him if things worked out he could move here too. My family is here and it’s so much better. He’s not really even close to his family there and he could find similar job to what he has now. That’s IF things worked out. I also think it would help to be away from all the people supplying him with weed. He said he’d move. I just don’t know


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is something called a structured separation. The idea is that it's a separation with goals. You would find a counselor who would help you both draw it up and then you two sign it and live by it. It would give him a chance to change and it would protect you. That way you don't need to move back in with him at this point. If he cannot live by the structured separation agreement and work on himself and your relationship, then you can just file for divorce.






The Structured Separation Agreement | Ward Therapy Associates, LLC







www.patrickwardphd.com





I'm not suggesting that you should do this. What you do is your decision. I just think that it would be helpful for you to know about this approach.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

thesky1291 said:


> I am open to that, just not sure how to go about it. Right now we are both in individual counseling. Not sure if we should do more of that first. I really don’t want to jump back into things. I don’t want to go home. I can’t.
> 
> I did tell him if things worked out he could move here too. My family is here and it’s so much better. He’s not really even close to his family there and he could find similar job to what he has now. That’s IF things worked out. I also think it would help to be away from all the people supplying him with weed. He said he’d move. I just don’t know


If you want your family together do that. People can change, just make him prove it over time. Most men will change if they fear losing it all. Don’t look at it as him selfishly wanting his family back...as many would suggest. Look at it as, this needed to happen to open the eyes of you both.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Talk is always the easy part. See if he moves there. That would be a big first step. Don’t move back in with him until you’re sure.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Omg guys. Since my last post things have been crazy! Monday I woke up in intense pain. My mom took me to two different ERs. I ended up having emergency surgery due to ovarian torsion (two huge ovarian cysts twisting my ovary). I was in SO much agony y’all. 
anyway. 
my stbxh who claims he still wants to work in our marriage never drove here, sent flowers, or anything. why would he drive all night a few days before to bring our kids Xbox but then when I’m having surgery and actually could use some support, nothing? I felt like some flowers would have at least been nice. Or a get well card. Or something. What is this? Am I expecting too much?probably. I just wanted a drastic behavior change and thought me having surgery would have given him a chance to show his love. Somehow. Thoughts?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow I’m so sorry that happened to you! I hope you are well now!

He just told you everything you need to know by his lack of action. No husband should do what he did when their wife has emergency surgery, which was nothing. No support, no love, no help, no emotion. Stick a fork in your marriage, hon. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> Omg guys. Since my last post things have been crazy! Monday I woke up in intense pain. My mom took me to two different ERs. I ended up having emergency surgery due to ovarian torsion (two huge ovarian cysts twisting my ovary). I was in SO much agony y’all.
> anyway.
> my stbxh who claims he still wants to work in our marriage never drove here, sent flowers, or anything. why would he drive all night a few days before to bring our kids Xbox but then when I’m having surgery and actually could use some support, nothing? I felt like some flowers would have at least been nice. Or a get well card. Or something. What is this? Am I expecting too much?probably. I just wanted a drastic behavior change and thought me having surgery would have given him a chance to show his love. Somehow. Thoughts?


 When was he informed that you had this happen? How long were you in the hospital?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

He


EleGirl said:


> When was he informed that you had this happen? How long were you in the hospital?


As soon as I started feeling pain early Monday morning, I was told about surgery Monday around 3. Surgery was done Tuesday at noon. He claims he’s been home devastated that he can’t be with me but I’m like there’s things you could have done idk. Maybe it’s just me


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

thesky1291 said:


> Omg guys. Since my last post things have been crazy! Monday I woke up in intense pain. My mom took me to two different ERs. I ended up having emergency surgery due to ovarian torsion (two huge ovarian cysts twisting my ovary). I was in SO much agony y’all.
> anyway.
> my stbxh who claims he still wants to work in our marriage never drove here, sent flowers, or anything. why would he drive all night a few days before to bring our kids Xbox but then when I’m having surgery and actually could use some support, nothing? I felt like some flowers would have at least been nice. Or a get well card. Or something. What is this? Am I expecting too much?probably. I just wanted a drastic behavior change and thought me having surgery would have given him a chance to show his love. Somehow. Thoughts?


Would him coming have changed your mind about him? Just think, you have made it clear you want your distance. This is why we as men are so confused


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yes, it would have shown me that he has done the work to change.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> why is it so hard for
> Me to stop reminding him this is his fault?


That is why you should go hard 180, no contact. Bar his number otherwise you will be sucked into this again. Tell him to call your home and have your family answer on your behalf.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> Omg guys. Since my last post things have been crazy! Monday I woke up in intense pain. My mom took me to two different ERs. I ended up having emergency surgery due to ovarian torsion (two huge ovarian cysts twisting my ovary). I was in SO much agony y’all.
> anyway.
> my stbxh who claims he still wants to work in our marriage never drove here, sent flowers, or anything. why would he drive all night a few days before to bring our kids Xbox but then when I’m having surgery and actually could use some support, nothing? I felt like some flowers would have at least been nice. Or a get well card. Or something. What is this? Am I expecting too much?probably. I just wanted a drastic behavior change and thought me having surgery would have given him a chance to show his love. Somehow. Thoughts?


Sorry honey, you are expecting too much from a good for nothing pot head. He only really cares about how he can get his next fix and how to keep you in line so you are there to doing his washing, cooking and cleaning.
Tell him to look you up in one year once he is clean and you might think about having him back if you haven't already moved on. Do the 180 on him. The sooner you stop contact the quicker you can move on with your life.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Sounds like you’re being manIpulated big time. I think a lot of the previous posters have hit the nail on the head in regards to suggestions of what you should do. Personally I think he’s had his comfortable gig busted by your leaving and he’ll use any excuse to try and get you back. Lawyer up to help make decisions, I see that you are on the roller coaster and going back and forth. Will it ever end? No one really can tell you. Can he change, yes he can, but it takes a lot and he has to want to. I had a former addiction and I changed. The difference is that I had no family to make the change for. I did it for myself. It’s been 40 years and I’ve gone through a wife, divorce, deaths etc.... You made mention of another man eventually falling for you. Get that out of your mind and I would keep it like that for a long time, but you should also know that there are some of us who have taken on the task of falling in love with a woman with children. I did and even when my first wife left to find herself, all the kids stayed with me. I’m glad you had successful surgery and wish you well in your recovery. This post is just musing on my part and I’ve probably missed a lot, but I hope it gives you a bit of some things to think about.
Best wishes for yo and your children.

OT


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Oldtimer said:


> Sounds like you’re being manIpulated big time. I think a lot of the previous posters have hit the nail on the head in regards to suggestions of what you should do. Personally I think he’s had his comfortable gig busted by your leaving and he’ll use any excuse to try and get you back. Lawyer up to help make decisions, I see that you are on the roller coaster and going back and forth. Will it ever end? No one really can tell you. Can he change, yes he can, but it takes a lot and he has to want to. I had a former addiction and I changed. The difference is that I had no family to make the change for. I did it for myself. It’s been 40 years and I’ve gone through a wife, divorce, deaths etc.... You made mention of another man eventually falling for you. Get that out of your mind and I would keep it like that for a long time, but you should also know that there are some of us who have taken on the task of falling in love with a woman with children. I did and even when my first wife left to find herself, all the kids stayed with me. I’m glad you had successful surgery and wish you well in your recovery. This post is just musing on my part and I’ve probably missed a lot, but I hope it gives you a bit of some things to think about.
> Best wishes for yo and your children.
> 
> OT


By the way, other than dealing with him and his issues, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Don’t lose yourself in the bs.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Oldtimer said:


> Sounds like you’re being manIpulated big time. I think a lot of the previous posters have hit the nail on the head in regards to suggestions of what you should do. Personally I think he’s had his comfortable gig busted by your leaving and he’ll use any excuse to try and get you back. Lawyer up to help make decisions, I see that you are on the roller coaster and going back and forth. Will it ever end? No one really can tell you. Can he change, yes he can, but it takes a lot and he has to want to. I had a former addiction and I changed. The difference is that I had no family to make the change for. I did it for myself. It’s been 40 years and I’ve gone through a wife, divorce, deaths etc.... You made mention of another man eventually falling for you. Get that out of your mind and I would keep it like that for a long time, but you should also know that there are some of us who have taken on the task of falling in love with a woman with children. I did and even when my first wife left to find herself, all the kids stayed with me. I’m glad you had successful surgery and wish you well in your recovery. This post is just musing on my part and I’ve probably missed a lot, but I hope it gives you a bit of some things to think about.
> Best wishes for yo and your children.
> 
> OT


what part is manipulating? Why would he drive all the way here to bring my kid something but not for me having surgery? I mean, I didn’t ask him to come for surgery and they said I couldn’t have anyone with me due to Covid. They did end up allowing my mom with me. If that were HIM having surgery, I would have went anyway and waited in the parking lot. Or had the gift shop send a note or small gift while he was in his room waiting for surgery. I stayed the night in the hospital Monday night. And he knew I did bc I told him I was. Why?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Oldtimer said:


> By the way, other than dealing with him and his issues, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Don’t lose yourself in the bs.


Thanks. I feel like I’m giving every chance in the world.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

You made the right move. You don't want to teach your kids that marriage is like that relationship. Or that being a Dad or a grown man is like your soon to be ex. Or that women should put up with that behavior. They need better role models.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> You made the right move. You don't want to teach your kids that marriage is like that relationship. Or that being a Dad or a grown man is like your soon to be ex. Or that women should put up with that behavior. They need better role models.


I know. He did send flowers after I complained. But who wants those?


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

thesky1291 said:


> what part is manipulating? Why would he drive all the way here to bring my kid something but not for me having surgery? I mean, I didn’t ask him to come for surgery and they said I couldn’t have anyone with me due to Covid. They did end up allowing my mom with me. If that were HIM having surgery, I would have went anyway and waited in the parking lot. Or had the gift shop send a note or small gift while he was in his room waiting for surgery. I stayed the night in the hospital Monday night. And he knew I did bc I told him I was. Why?


The Sky, he’s manipulating you by virtue of his begging, getting his mother involved telling you he’s quit smoking and I imagine other things. Do you not think bringing something to your child is not manipulative? He brings it and now your child is involved. “ mommy why are you not letting m see daddy” type thing. I know that you are troubled and asking what and why questions to yourself. Unfortunately a manipulator will go for anything that will help get what he wants. How do I know? Sad to say, I was that guy. ( long changed now thank god”.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Oldtimer said:


> The Sky, he’s manipulating you by virtue of his begging, getting his mother involved telling you he’s quit smoking and I imagine other things. Do you not think bringing something to your child is not manipulative? He brings it and now your child is involved. “ mommy why are you not letting m see daddy” type thing. I know that you are troubled and asking what and why questions to yourself. Unfortunately a manipulator will go for anything that will help get what he wants. How do I know? Sad to say, I was that guy. ( long changed now thank god”.


I gotcha. That makes sense. Perfect sense. Idk why I didnt think of that. Lol. Now he’s playing the silent game. I guess this just makes it easier for me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

thesky1291 said:


> what part is manipulating? Why would he drive all the way here to bring my kid something but not for me having surgery? I mean, I didn’t ask him to come for surgery and they said I couldn’t have anyone with me due to Covid. They did end up allowing my mom with me. If that were HIM having surgery, I would have went anyway and waited in the parking lot. Or had the gift shop send a note or small gift while he was in his room waiting for surgery. I stayed the night in the hospital Monday night. And he knew I did bc I told him I was. Why?


Here’s the thing... you shouldn’t have to ASK your HUSBAND to be there for something as major as you having surgery! That’s an automatic, a given! That is supposed to be your partner, your ride or die, the one who has your back in all ways in all things. Just as you stated you’d have been there for him. That’s what marriage is about in the long run. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Just hang in, I’m sorry but your hubby sounds like a little boy and you the very grown up woman in your relationship. Don’t let the bs grab you and drag you down.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Here’s the thing... you shouldn’t have to ASK your HUSBAND to be there for something as major as you having surgery! That’s an automatic, a given! That is supposed to be your partner, your ride or die, the one who has your back in all ways in all things. Just as you stated you’d have been there for him. That’s what marriage is about in the long run.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


exactly!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It‘s never a good idea to think someone has changed based on the very little he’s shown you up to this point. Much, much more is required than that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

thesky1291 said:


> what part is manipulating? Why would he drive all the way here to bring my kid something but not for me having surgery? I mean, I didn’t ask him to come for surgery and they said I couldn’t have anyone with me due to Covid. They did end up allowing my mom with me. If that were HIM having surgery, I would have went anyway and waited in the parking lot. Or had the gift shop send a note or small gift while he was in his room waiting for surgery. I stayed the night in the hospital Monday night. And he knew I did bc I told him I was. Why?


You love him far more than he loves you. And now you know that. Better to learn from it than to end up repeating it.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

So would we all just say he’s not working very hard to get us back?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

thesky1291 said:


> So would we all just say he’s not working very hard to get us back?


That’s my assessment from the outside...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Here’s me being all codependent but he was all up my butt for days and now he’s been ignoring me, and now there is a $60 cash withdrawal which is what he always did when he bought weed. Guess he didn’t really stop.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

And i BET that he will say, if you asked him, "well why SHOULD I stop now -- you aren't letting me back". Since the NO smoking for a week didn't work to manipulate you, he's going to move on to other things to try and get you to change your mind. If he IS back to smoking, tells you how committed he is...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> Here’s me being all codependent but he was all up my butt for days and now he’s been ignoring me, and now there is a $60 cash withdrawal which is what he always did when he bought weed. Guess he didn’t really stop.


I don't understand. What is codependent about this? Please explain.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I don't understand. What is codependent about this? Please explain.


me worrying and speculating about his cash withdrawal. My therapist has me working on my codependency


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Y’all. Omg. 
My sister in law texted me last night and told me I needed to get back home and “take responsibility”
and my mother in law was texting me today about how she is so worried, and how true stakes are high since I’m at my families house being supported by them (I have a job actually) and how I need to go back home.
What in the actual hell. These people know how terrible he is and want me to go back. What the F!!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not a big surprise. They’re taken his side, because he’s part of their family, and so you’re the bad guy.

Ignore them.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Look, they are not only taking HIS side, THEY don't want to have to deal with him and support him -- they want you to go back to doing that.
Keep to YOUR plans and what YOU want to do.
As for your sister in law, HE is the one that needed to take responsibilty instead of smoking dope all day and cheating on you. Where is HIS responsibility?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> Look, they are not only taking HIS side, THEY don't want to have to deal with him and support him -- they want you to go back to doing that.
> Keep to YOUR plans and what YOU want to do.
> As for your sister in law, HE is the one that needed to take responsibilty instead of smoking dope all day and cheating on you. Where is HIS responsibility?


Oh trust me, I know! In fact, that’s what I said back. But, what do I do going forward? As for mother in law, we were really close. We have never argued like this before. I find it really appalling she’d asking me to go back to him. We talked a few weeks ago and she was like omg yes he needs help blah blah blah. Now suddenly I should go back? 
these are people I am friends with on Facebook. Do I delete them? Do I block their messages? How do I handle this relationship going forward, especially considering how they are acting?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> me worrying and speculating about his cash withdrawal. My therapist has me working on my codependency


You worrying and speculating about his cash withdrawal is not codependency. I suggested a book to you earlier. You would really benefit from reading the book.

Is your counselor telling you that verifying your husband's actions is codependency?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> Y’all. Omg.
> My sister in law texted me last night and told me I needed to get back home and “take responsibility”
> and my mother in law was texting me today about how she is so worried, and how true stakes are high since I’m at my families house being supported by them (I have a job actually) and how I need to go back home.
> What in the actual hell. These people know how terrible he is and want me to go back. What the F!!!!


How does she claim that she is "supporting you"?

What percentage of your joint income with your husband do you earn? Has your husband been helping you financially while you are away at your mother's?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> Oh trust me, I know! In fact, that’s what I said back. But, what do I do going forward? As for mother in law, we were really close. We have never argued like this before. I find it really appalling she’d asking me to go back to him. We talked a few weeks ago and she was like omg yes he needs help blah blah blah. Now suddenly I should go back?
> these are people I am friends with on Facebook. Do I delete them? Do I block their messages? How do I handle this relationship going forward, especially considering how they are acting?


I think you should take this slowly and not do things like delete them from Facebook.

Just stick with what you are doing to protect yourself and your children.

Come up with a pat answer that you will give them if they continue to harass you like this. It could be something like "I've been clear that I will not stay married to a man who smokes pot all day long and ignores is wife and children." Just give them a similar reply all the time. If they ramp it up and bug you a LOT, start ignoring them. But do not deleted them from social media. Not at this point. They can delete you if they want.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You worrying and speculating about his cash withdrawal is not codependency. I suggested a book to you earlier. You would really benefit from reading the book.
> 
> Is your counselor telling you that verifying your husband's actions is codependency?


No, I have been reading Codependent No More which lists like 500 things that makes someone codependent. Which makes me think just about everything I do is codependent. I will look at that book next! I am almost done with this one.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think you should take this slowly and not do things like delete them from Facebook.
> 
> Just stick with what you are doing to protect yourself and your children.
> 
> Come up with a pat answer that you will give them if they continue to harass you like this. It could be something like "I've been clear that I will not stay married to a man who smokes pot all day long and ignores is wife and children." Just give them a similar reply all the time. If they ramp it up and bug you a LOT, start ignoring them. But do not deleted them from social media. Not at this point. They can delete you if they want.


thanks for helping me not make a rash decision. I will keep doing that!


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How does she claim that she is "supporting you"?
> 
> What percentage of your joint income with your husband do you earn? Has your husband been helping you financially while you are away at your mother's?


she thinks bc I am at my moms I must have quit my job or something. I make 70 percent of the income. I am in a LOA at work and still being paid. I am using this LOA to find a new job here. There may be a few weeks lag between the two if my job decides j can no longer use my loa but I have about 6 weeks left and interviewing is going well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No matter how close you were to your MIL, it’s now obvious to her that the conflict is more serious than she thought. You’ve made life easy for him and she wants things to go back to “normal” so now she’s pressuring you. This is not her life, or your SIL’s life, and I would let them know that.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Openminded said:


> No matter how close you were to your MIL, it’s now obvious to her that the conflict is more serious than she thought. You’ve made life easy for him and she wants things to go back to “normal” so now she’s pressuring you. This is not her life, or your SIL’s life, and I would let them know that.


True, thanks!!


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

The sky, “ come back and take responsibility “, really? It seems that you have been the responsible one and have been for the most part. I don’t think I would worry about the 60 bucks as that’s been pissed away. I would however, look into your finances and protect yourself from this occurring too often. Keep your sanity and seek help if you need it. In regards to your MIL and family, remember that your husband is her son and their brother. Family will more times side with family regardleas of how screwed up they may be. Keep up your strength and regardless of the path you choose, I wish you well.

OT


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If they know your husband can’t very well support himself, they may be in a panic about that. I doubt they want him cluttering up their lives when they can instead have you take care of him. In other words, it’s all about how to make things easier for themselves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> No, I have been reading Codependent No More which lists like 500 things that makes someone codependent. Which makes me think just about everything I do is codependent. I will look at that book next! I am almost done with this one.


You checked the account and saw that he spent money that was most likely on pot because of the amount. I don't think that verifying at this point whether or not he's telling you the truth about not using pot is codependent. My take on it is that it's a concept call 'trust but verify'. 

Your husband told you that he's not smoking pot anymore. You have no way of knowing if he's just playing you to try to get you back home or if he has really made that change in himself. If he has really quit and changed his ways, it sounds from your posts that you might consider reconciling. You need to know the truth. The only way you have of knowing the truth is to check his account. You now know that he most likely has not stopped doing pot and lied to you. That's extremely important for you to know.

It seems that at this point you have no intent to go back to him. So if you are not going back, then you have no reason to verify what he tells you. Now if you decide to go back with him, you would need to use the "trust but verify" concept. Of course it might be easy to verify if you are living with him because you know what he looks like when he's stoned. You won't have to check the bank account.

Do the two of you have joint accounts? If you do, you should consider opening your own account. Take half the money out of the the joint account and put it in your new account. Have your paycheck deposited into your new account. Then tell him to open his own account and close the joint account.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You checked the account and saw that he spent money that was most likely on pot because of the amount. I don't think that verifying at this point whether or not he's telling you the truth about not using pot is codependent. My take on it is that it's a concept call 'trust but verify'.
> 
> Your husband told you that he's not smoking pot anymore. You have no way of knowing if he's just playing you to try to get you back home or if he has really made that change in himself. If he has really quit and changed his ways, it sounds from your posts that you might consider reconciling. You need to know the truth. The only way you have of knowing the truth is to check his account. You now know that he most likely has not stopped doing pot and lied to you. That's extremely important for you to know.
> 
> ...


thanks. I had reconsidered reconciling, I told him I was filing for a separation. That after 6 months we could reevaluate. He refused to sign the papers and finally when it got to the point where I basically said sign or else, he started the silent treatment and withdrew the $60 bucks as if to say - if we won’t be together I’ll do what I want and smoke pot, and your not getting your separation!
at this point I don’t want to be together. J filed for an actual divorce on Friday and he will be served by the police department back home today or tomorrow if he hasnt already.
And yeah I couldn’t believe SIL told me to take responsibility. I should get a trophy for all I’ve done lol. I’ve gone to countless therapist. Read books. Posted in the website tons of times. Went to the preacher at church. I’ve tried so hard to save this marriage.
I’m sure when he served the papers **** will hit the fan some more. I don’t think any of them think or ever thought I was this serious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> thanks. I had reconsidered reconciling, I told him I was filing for a separation. That after 6 months we could reevaluate. He refused to sign the papers and finally when it got to the point where I basically said sign or else, he started the silent treatment and withdrew the $60 bucks as if to say - if we won’t be together I’ll do what I want and smoke pot, and your not getting your separation!
> 
> at this point I don’t want to be together. J filed for an actual divorce on Friday and he will be served by the police department back home today or tomorrow if he hasnt already.
> 
> ...


Does he only have the one sister, or does he have other siblings?

It's too bad that is mother and sister are not encouraging him to be a better husband and father. Are they aware of his using pot so much and him not taking responsibility with the house and the children? Sadly, family often takes the path of least resistance and just want the problem to go away. They want you back with him because then they don't have to deal with his problems and his immaturity.

It is possible that he has already been served the divorce papers and that's why his mother and sister told you to stop all this?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Does he only have the one sister, or does he have other siblings?
> 
> It's too bad that is mother and sister are not encouraging him to be a better husband and father. Are they aware of his using pot so much and him not taking responsibility with the house and the children? Sadly, family often takes the path of least resistance and just want the problem to go away. They want you back with him because then they don't have to deal with his problems and his immaturity.
> 
> It is possible that he has already been served the divorce papers and that's why his mother and sister told you to stop all this?


 He has 4 other brothers and sisters. The sister that approached me is the one who also does drugs. The other ones are actually really smart and have great jobs.
I had surgery Tuesday and have only gotten good luck we love you texts from them. They know everything too; the entire family knows why I have left. I doubt his dad knows his mom is asking me to go back. His mom and dad have actually had many fights over mom babying him.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

He has 4 other brothers and sisters. The sister that approached me is the one who also does drugs. The other ones are actually really smart and have great jobs.
I had surgery Tuesday and have only gotten good luck we love you texts from them. They know everything too; the entire family knows why I have left. I doubt his dad knows his mom is asking me to go back. His mom and dad have actually had many fights over mom babying him. And yes it’s possible he’s been served already. Idk how quickly that happens.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> He has 4 other brothers and sisters. The sister that approached me is the one who also does drugs. The other ones are actually really smart and have great jobs.
> I had surgery Tuesday and have only gotten good luck we love you texts from them. They know everything too; the entire family knows why I have left. I doubt his dad knows his mom is asking me to go back. His mom and dad have actually had many fights over mom babying him. And yes it’s possible he’s been served already. Idk how quickly that happens.


It makes sense that the sister also uses drugs. I was wondering about that. Is he the youngest child?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It makes sense that the sister also uses drugs. I was wondering about that. Is he the youngest child?


Yep, he is the youngest


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The baby. That explains a lot.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

so STBXH hasn’t responded to anything I’ve said business wise. Our son has virtual awards today. Should I tell him? Or would it be pointless given he’s already ignored every attempt I’ve made in the last week at contacting him? Not to mention the divorce papers mention cruel treatment for mental and verbal abuse so my family thinks I should cut off contact and let him go through my attorney anyway. Thoughts?


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

He’s gone cold on you. I would email him about the awards and then go NC. As well, in the email, let him know that any further contact will be done through your attorney.
its funny that Elegirl hit the nail on the head and he is acting the part “ the chosen one “ lol. I too was in that category and could do no wrong. I was the baby of my family. I’m glad you have the support of yours. 
You don’t need another child, you need a functioning husband.

OT


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@thesky1291 Sadly your children don't have a proper, real daddy, they have an addled, cheating druggie, instead. Who would rather be high on drugs than high on life.

Fire him, he isn't up to the job of being a husband or a father.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> so STBXH hasn’t responded to anything I’ve said business wise. Our son has virtual awards today. Should I tell him? Or would it be pointless given he’s already ignored every attempt I’ve made in the last week at contacting him?


He’s been silent still and today got an attorney. My attorney emailed me and said we should receive a settlement offer sometime soon. Wow. Just can’t believe he never had the balls to be like you know what, I can’t do this. Just went silent on me.Oh and his mommy
Paid for it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> He’s been silent still and today got an attorney. My attorney emailed me and said we should receive a settlement offer sometime soon. Wow. Just can’t believe he never had the balls to be like you know what, I can’t do this. Just went silent on me.Oh and his mommy
> Paid for it.


Good thing he has a mommy. She can take care of him now.

Just go no contact. Let your attorney handle things.

If he tries to contact you, do not talk to him on the phone. Instead use email and do not reply immediately. Give yourself time to think through what you want to say. Do not respond to anything emotional. Instead just reply to the business of co-parenting children within whatever agreement your attorneys work out.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

thesky1291 said:


> He’s been silent still and today got an attorney. My attorney emailed me and said we should receive a settlement offer sometime soon. Wow. Just can’t believe he never had the balls to be like you know what, I can’t do this. Just went silent on me.





EleGirl said:


> Good thing he has a mommy. She can take care of him now.
> 
> Just go no contact. Let your attorney handle things.
> 
> If he tries to contact you, do not talk to him on the phone. Instead use email and do not reply immediately. Give yourself time to think through what you want to say. Do not respond to anything emotional. Instead just reply to the business of co-parenting children within whatever agreement your attorneys work out.


Thanks for the advice. I’m so tempted to message and be like “see! Here you go again! Blaming me but you could have taken the separation and fixed yourself! You didn’t! “
I could cry. I feel rejected. Bc he ultimately decided NOT to work on the marriage. Not that it would work anyway. I know it won’t I feel super stressed out. Idk why. I don’t want him back. At all. I’m just so worried about my kids. I hate this (the stress of a divorce) and the unknowing and that’s why I never pursued it. I know I can do it. Its just so hard.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I’m so tempted to message and be like “see! Here you go again! Blaming me but you could have taken the separation and fixed yourself! You didn’t! “
> I could cry. I feel rejected. Bc he ultimately decided NOT to work on the marriage. Not that it would work anyway. I know it won’t I feel super stressed out. Idk why. I don’t want him back. At all. I’m just so worried about my kids. I hate this (the stress of a divorce) and the unknowing and that’s why I never pursued it. I know I can do it. Its just so hard.


Yes it is hard. 

You have your mother for emotional support, right? Is there anyone else?

Do you think you might need to move back to the city you where your job once things open up again?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s definitely hard but you and your children will get through it.

Don‘t be surprised if Mommy doesn’t talk him into trying again. I doubt she’s going to want the full-time care of “the baby” again.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Funny, he got paid this morning so I went in our joint account and transferred just half of what he should pay in child support for the month since he gets paid bi weekly. My attorney said they can’t make him pay right now but he should and If it’s a joint account then it’s a joint account. anyway STBXH saw this and after all this silence texts me and asks why I am taking money And then starts blaming me for the divorce and saying he’s passed a drug test blah blah blah. That he didn’t sign the separation bc he’s not agreeing to that. Well, that for you a divorce buddy! I was willing to just separate for a while and see how he did. But nope. Divorce it is.


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