# Age Difference AND Kids



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

hi TAMmers  it's me again.
not officially divorced yet, but i think there's no way to R.

so i met this guy through a dating site. actually i 'met' several guys through dating site, but i always found something was wrong with each of them. this one is different, and no, still no meet up yet since we live like 1000kms apart.

communication : we chat everyday, massive texting, several phone calls [im not big on phone call, and i think he is too].

facts : he's in my shoes, been separated for 3 years after 21 years of marriage. no way to R (long story here, but i'd skip that). 3 daughters, the first one is in college.

problem :
- he's 46 and i;m 32. 
- he's with kids and im not.

so far i enjoy our conversations. not much of sexual tensions.he admits he likes me and vice versa, blablabla, some basic stuff.

question :
1. we both agree that our acquaintance could lead to anything: either friendship or actual dating. friendship wont be a problem; but if it becomes more sexual, intimate, and worse, romance; what do i do? the age difference bugs me a lot even we do communicate well enough and become each other's routines of our daily lives. 

2. what to do with his kids? he still takes them to their courses twice a week, goes to church together with the kids and the oldest one always stays on his place during weekends.goes to concert or movies occasionally, and by that i can say that he's a good dad -or at least not a jerk dad.


im not sure what my questions are actually, but what do you think about this guy? 
*no, not for relationship or anythng serious*


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

No one can answer that question, but you. In my opinion love has no age limits. Its a tough thing to decide though. When you are his age now 46 he will be 60, but who's to say it will last that long. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Plus that is a long way off. If the age difference bugs you now how will it effect you when your relationship goes through rough patches as all relationships do?

You obviously like the guy a lot and get along well with him. I'm not sure how long you have known this guy, but I say give it time and see how things progress a little before making any decision. Just enjoy life and see where it leads.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I am 51 my spouse is 36 we have been married 13 years and I had a older daughter who I had custody of she is now 22 and basically on her own plus we have had 2 more daughters a 11yoa and a 9 yoa DD as you can see I can only have daughters I am batting 1000  anyway we have a great marriage and relationship for what it is worth


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think you are way ahead of yourself. You havent met the guy other than on a dating site. you live thousands of kilometers apart from him, and you seem to have an issue with kids (surprise! they are part of the package, and no, cannot be put in a kennel).


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

NoWhere said:


> No one can answer that question, but you. In my opinion love has no age limits. Its a tough thing to decide though. When you are his age now 46 he will be 60, but who's to say it will last that long. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Plus that is a long way off. If the age difference bugs you now how will it effect you when your relationship goes through rough patches as all relationships do?
> 
> You obviously like the guy a lot and get along well with him. I'm not sure how long you have known this guy, but I say give it time and see how things progress a little before making any decision. Just enjoy life and see where it leads.


hi NoWhere, thanks to stop by and share your thought 
yeah i know i should give our acquaintance some time to see how things going; i've known him since 2 or 3 months ago. but nothing such as initial contact. we only started to talk abt a month later, and lately the communication's been developing to more intense and flirtatious - ish kind. sometimes i feel this inferior complex hits me since he's an MIT alumni [he's ID checked out, i did my homeworks] so that's the thing that stops me to ever expect anything more (i guess)


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I think you are way ahead of yourself. You havent met the guy other than on a dating site. you live thousands of kilometers apart from him, and you seem to have an issue with kids (surprise! they are part of the package, and no, cannot be put in a kennel).


hi Shooboo
yeah maybe im way ahead of myself. i just want to be prepared  no, i dont have issue with the kids and i dont want to put them in a kennel 
we've been talking about this, and i told him that im not interested to be their mum, rather to be their friend. they only have one mum, and that's one special place nobody nor judge could take it away.

we are to meet about next week and once again, no, i have no issue accepting his kids. my question was : 'what to do?' . like how to introduce myself, or what topic to talk with them, etc'.

im obviously not going into any relationship with their dad  meanwhile he already mentioned -casually - that i really should meet his daughter.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

In_The_Wind said:


> I am 51 my spouse is 36 we have been married 13 years and I had a older daughter who I had custody of she is now 22 and basically on her own plus we have had 2 more daughters a 11yoa and a 9 yoa DD as you can see I can only have daughters I am batting 1000  anyway we have a great marriage and relationship for what it is worth


hi ITW, that's sweet and i bet you;re that one lucky soul 
so should i disregard those 'Reasons Not To Date Older Men' articles?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm trying to think of a good reason for you to meet his kids already, and I've got nothing. If you ask me, he's foolish for considering it when you two don't have a significant relationship. And I say this as a separated dad who's been seeing someone for quite awhile now... She won't meet my kids (even as a "friend") until my divorce goes through. There's no value to the kids in that, and that's the bottom line. As much as I'd love to share that aspect of my life with her (and her with them). 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> *You sound too emotionally involved with a man you have not even met in person.* I would say slow down, you have only know him a few months.


hmm..i should take notice to what you say.
as i mentioned before, he has become a part of my daily routine and vice versa.no, we dont text like teens, if you're wondering. 

im not sure how to put it right, but i find our communication is intriguing.it is fun, intellectually challenging and sweet at the same time.
so yeah maybe i am emotionally involved with his avatar because in reality, things could be totally different 
but thank you to point that out for me. I should be more detached.



coffee4me said:


> You say you are not going into a relationship with him and that the age difference bothers you and yet you and he both mention meeting his children :scratchhead:


i know they're contradictory, but i want to be prepared when 5h1t actually happens 
dating an older guy was never in my book ever, but the fact now, i kinda grow some feeling toward an older guy  so there



coffee4me said:


> Slow down. Meet him and just see how that goes.


im a worrier, aren't i?  and thank you :iagree:


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm trying to think of a good reason for you to meet his kids already, and I've got nothing. *If you ask me, he's foolish for considering it *when you two don't have a significant relationship. And I say this as a separated dad who's been seeing someone for quite awhile now... She won't meet my kids (even as a "friend") until my divorce goes through. There's no value to the kids in that, and that's the bottom line. As much as I'd love to share that aspect of my life with her (and her with them).
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



huh. thank you PBear, this is absolutely new to me...never made acquaintance with someone with this kind of gap before, and i think i came to the right place for advice


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> huh. thank you PBear, this is absolutely new to me...never made acquaintance with someone with this kind of gap before, and i think i came to the right place for advice


It has nothing to do with the age gap, and everything to do with doing the right thing for his kids. They need stability and security. Not someone flipping in and out of their lives. In his situation, I'd probably want to date at least 6 months before the kids met you, even as a friend. And that's actual dating, no just talking on the phone and messages. There's just no benefit.

C


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

I don't have experience with the kids in my relationship, but I do know what you mean about the age difference. I'm 31 and dating a man who is 49. Initially, it bothered me. But he and I are such a good match that the age simply doesn't matter to me anymore. When I see him, I see the love of my life.

I think it's too early to decide on these sort of things especially since you haven't even met the person. Talking on the phone, texting, emails, etc are all well and good, but until you meet in person and make a physical connection with the person, I'm not even sure if it can even be called a real relationship. It's definitely a good idea to meet him, go on a few dates, and then decide if you want to continue forward and get past the age difference and children issues.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

flashnews: bummer :sleeping:

things went uncommonly beautiful in the speed of light, and straight into the blackhole.

2nd week of May : it was intense, flirtatious, funny, the intimacy and frequency were skyrocketing. both in the intellectual and personal level. at these moments, i felt optimistic. 

3rd week of May : the meet up and all.
it was a date, instantly. the chemistry was there. we were holding hands, some serious kissing game. it was perfect.

4th week of May : party was over.
IDK what's into his head, either he simply used me to get under my pants or simply cannot tolerate my


> candidness, 'i-dont-give-a-damn-attitude', age, and the most important of all, is our different 'faith' since im an atheist. practically everything that i am. funny thing is, i never kept all of those since the beginning of our acquaintance.
> 
> im not gonna judge anyone, or it was only me being stupid; but it ends just like that. i was kinda 'meh' with his wishy washy attitude during the week though.
> he said he likes me so much but blahblahblah..(keep saying things about faith is the fundamental thing in his life, and on and on). and how much he feels guilty because we had sex.seriously? i liked the sex, cos it was ah-mazing and fun as well (NOT the thing i'd do if im in a serious/committed relationship and/or marriage and i dont feel guilty whatsoever about the sex); plus he enjoyed it as much as i did when it all happened and, he was the one who initiated it. im no pants-groper.
> ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

And so it goes. Been there, done that. The fact he know about your atheism yet dated you only to say it was such a deal breaker is odd. Then again maybe he first thought it wouldn't be and the more he thought about it the more it did. Ah well. You had some fun, you learned some things. All is well.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The age isn't the issues...it's the distance as far as I am concerned. 

You can talk all day long but until you are with the other person physically will you know their true colors (chemistry, mannerisms, etc). It's the day in and day out stuff that you just can't get over the telephone, email. 

If this person is someone you feel good and hopeful about...you have to find a way to see each other on a semi regular basis. 

I would never jump into a relationship, long distance, with someone that I haven't had time with physically. You have children and that totally changes things.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldn't spend 2 seconds thinking about any relationship until you've met them in person, and spent significant time like that.

The internet has a way of making relationships seem more significant and covering over a multitude of things that would cause people to run the other direction if it were in real life.

Boring people turn interesting, honest people turn deceitful.

I'd meet up a few times before you waste time thinking about it. And pretend like it's your first time meeting when you do that too, even if you've discussed deeply personal things.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

well, we're done  and somehow i find it relieving


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