# Husband left 2 yrs ago for another woman



## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and I am looking for moral support, advice, reality checks, My story is as follows.. my H and I have been married now for 36 years. it was a good marriage, not perfect, usual issues, not enough sex, in-laws ( his siblings), his lack of communicating his feelings and his at times being a jerk, My temper, my depression.. His loss of his parents at a young age . 2 years ago (July 2015) I received a phone call from a woman telling me that she had been having an affair with my husband for several years and that he had recently ended their affair because he had met someone new. That my H in fact was going to be leaving me for this new woman. I never had a clue that my H was cheating on me.. in fact I now have discovered that he led a very double life. I confronted my H and he confessed and told me that he loved this other woman and that he wanted to be with her but he stilled loved me and didn't want to blow our life up and he was confused and conflicted. I remained calm and talked to him . i asked him to stop seeing this new woman and for us to try and salvage our relationship/marriage.. he just continued to say that he was confused and didn't know what to do.. i will add that He met this new woman in may 2015, so by july 2015 he is stating that he was in love and wanted to be with her. at the time it sounded to me like a true midlife crisis and i was willing to be patient and work this out. well, my H stayed in our home with me for a few months, all the while i am asking him to stop seeing "her" and trying my best to conduct our lives as normal as possible. By October 2015 he said he couldn't take it anymore and that my asking him to end things with "her" had just pushed him out the door so he moved out in October 2015 and moved in with "her". He has been there ever since. when he left he said he didn't know what the future holds, but at this point i should consider him gone. i told him that i wasn't going to file for divorce and that i wanted him to really think about what he was doing and everything he would lose if we did go our separate ways.( this new OW) knew all along that we were not separated, and that in fact neither me or my H were filing for divorce. she apparently doesn't care as long as she gets layed by another womans husband and she can act like she has a real meaningful relationship with him. i will also add that she is living with my H and conducting this crazy life in front of her now 6 yr. old son from her previous marriage) in my opinion my H has found himself a total piece of trash.. a complete **** ) Shortly after my H moved in with the OW he bagan texting me. telling me how much he missed me and that he was going back and forth about wanting to work things out. i continued to say that he had to end it with her and we would have to enter counseling.. The first yr. he was gone he would see me on a weekly basis, but all the while saying he didn't want the OW to know about our meetings. i had a lot of problems with this and told him that he needed to be up front with her about his feelings, and that he was going back and forth on weather or not to return home. he refused and would become angry. by the spring of 2016 i had truly had enough, he had been gone for 6 months, it appeared he was settling in with her, her son and building a new life for himself. so i filed for divorce for adultery and abandonment.. He became very upset saying he never wanted a divorce, he just wanted peace. he asked me to drop the suit and just give him some space and time. he said he wanted peace and a long term separation. i asked how long a time he considered long term that there had to be an end to this but he has still to this day never answered that. well, i put the divorce on hold and for about a month things seemed to be getting better. but by the end of 2016 it was just clear to me that i needed to cut ties and end this. I feel in my heart that my H has some very serious problems and want him to get the help he needs but i can not force someone to get help. So in Jan. 2017 i discovered that my H had made an appointment at a fertility clinic and had kept the appt. i was in complete shock. My H is 55 yrs old, ready to start looking at retiring, has chronic back pain to the point it will eventually become very difficult for him to get around, and he is now going to a fertility clinic with this 35 yr. old ****..when i confronted him about it he literally said that he just went because he wanted to know if he could still father children.. it was then it hit me that if his lips were moving he was lying. I reopened my suit for divorce and again he becomes so angry.. saying that the only reason i want a divorce id to drag him through the mud, that i just want to humiliate "her", he even went so far as to put in a text to me that if i in fact filed for divorce for adultery he would fight me in court to the point he was broke and i would have to get off my ass and get a job. he said he didn't want a divorce because it would be so traumatic and he didn't want to relive all this, and that a divorce would be so final. He continued to say " why cant we just give it time like we talked about at first" " I want peace and a long term separation". It has gotten to the point for me where i am questioning my sanity, he says these things to me with such conviction as if i am just not seeing the bigger picture, as if i am in the wrong for saying end this crap with the OW.. so during the past few months i have discovered that my H has removed me on his medical records as being notified in an emergency, he has changed the address on his vehicle registration with her address. he has taken her to meet and be around his family a total of 8 times in a year and a half and has slept with her in his brothers house while on visits to see his family. All THE WHILE SAYING HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS BUT DOESNT WANT A DIVORCE..none of our major assets have moved that i can see, all my bills are paid, he is listed as Married on all his work benefits etc.. we still have our joint accounts, i have our health insurance. but he walks around as if i do not exist , he acts like he has this committed relationship to this ****.. and still to this day he gets upset if she finds out he spoke to me, or that we had a conversation over text.. are you kidding me.. this **** is upset that the married man she is screwing has a conversation with his WIFE.. So, he's living with this 35 yr old whack job, they may or may not be trying to have a baby, he acts like he's single, wants a long term separation, i now have no real idea what this OW actually knows, He is fighting the divorce.. so many words are in my head now when i think of my H.. Narcissist, hedonistic, sociopath,delusional, manipulative, confusing, mixed signals, lost, troubled soul. so after 2 years of his craziness, after 2 years of trying to understand all this, of being sweet , and patient.. after 2 years of this OW not realizing she needs to remove herself from this situation and get away from my H , I am facing divorce, and a future that i never considered. i guess i was and have been stupid to believe that i should stand for our marriage and family. i guess i was stupid to believe that sometimes men do crazy things but they eventually snap out of it..I am 55 and i put everything i had into our marriage and now it looks like it was 36 wasted years.. i just need a shoulder to lean on, i need moral support, Is My H truly confused? Is he hurting in someway and he's afraid to get help? Is this some extreme midlife crisis? Is he setting me up to just leave me with nothing? Is this plain and simple cake eating? and if so what should a wife do? I will add that we have not seen each other in 8 months. He actually refuses to see me. he will not answer his phone if i call him. we were only communicating through texts and now it appears that has stopped. i have seen the OW recently and she doesn't appear to be pregnant.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why would you want to stay with someone who clearly isn't who you think he is? He may have always been a jerk, but people also change. He might not like that he's in his 50's and this woman makes him feel younger. She will dump him or cheat on him someday, that's most likely what will happen, because relationships that begin from affairs, rarely work out. Especially with such a big age difference. I would worry less about him, and more about yourself. I don't think he is a good guy, you may have a lot of years with him, but that doesn't make him a good guy who is 'confused.' It just means you spent a long time with someone, and maybe you should have left a while back, because for at least two years now, he has been cheating. 

I don't think you've wasted 36 years, but if you continue to stay with someone like this who shows no remorse and wants to be with someone else, now you will be wasting your life. I'm sorry that things worked out like this, but please move forward and don't let this guy take anymore of your dignity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's played you for years. There's nothing "wrong" with him except that he's a typical cheater. You were always his Plan B in case he and the OW don't work out and he decided to come home. 

Yes, you were far too passive about the situation but it's not too late to change. File. And move on with your life. I was 10 years older than you (and in a marriage 10 years longer than yours) when I finally realized my husband would never change. It was a huge adjustment -- no doubt about that -- but I'm very happy now. You can be too.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I could not read the opening post, so I copied it to a document and formatted it so I could read it. I thought I'd share it for others who may have trouble reading it.



Leftalone said:


> Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and I am looking for moral support, advice, reality checks, My story is as follows.. my H and I have been married now for 36 years. it was a good marriage, not perfect, usual issues, not enough sex, in-laws ( his siblings), his lack of communicating his feelings and his at times being a jerk, My temper, my depression.. His loss of his parents at a young age.
> 
> 2 years ago (July 2015) I received a phone call from a woman telling me that she had been having an affair with my husband for several years and that he had recently ended their affair because he had met someone new. That my H in fact was going to be leaving me for this new woman.
> 
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You have not wasted 36 years, but you are currently wasting your time waiting for him.

I recommend that you do not pursue the divorce right now. Instead get into therapy while he's paying for it and start doing some serious work to take care of yourself. Get your nutritional in order and get super healthy. Join a gym, get a personal trainer, and get fit. It can be done. I'm 53 and I'm in better shape than I was at 30 and I was not in bad shape or poor health.

Your husband wants to fight you until there is nothing left. I recommend you start reading daily about divorce in your state. There are far too many attorneys out there who will be glad to fight until there is nothing left. It is imperative in this situation that you start by reading a book or two about divorce in your state, then you get deeper into it by reading actual legal textbooks so you understand exactly what your rights and responsibilities are and how you can effectively fight your husband and win without losing everything. If you know the law through and through you are much more likely to be able to do this.

Finally, you need to be able to be financially independent. Decide how you are going to make money and build a retirement for yourself. At this stage of the game, you will need to start doing something to make serious money through entrepreneurial means. Look into what kinds of businesses you would be good at and learn everything you can about one or two that you would like to do to make money, you are going to need it and not through him.

While he is living in his fantasy world, you can be preparing to get free of him and be able to take care of yourself without him. Do this soon. His affair is not going to last forever. Eventually he will either tire of her or marry her and then you will have a new problem on your hands.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You have shared far more detail than is necessary. Your husband has been living with another woman for two years. This marriage has been dead for a long time. 

Paramedics will generally stop performing CPR once the patient's head falls off the gurney and bounces across the floor. Your marriage should have been rolled into the morgue when he refused to stop seeing her. At the latest. Honestly, I don't think there was good reason to even give him that option. Two time cheater? Not worth a squirt of piss in my book. 

Start to build a new life. Step one is divorce.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

From this day forward it needs to be strictly business and all about you. So you are a "kept wife". If being this allows you to live the life you alwsys had but without him then so be it. Don't file unless he doesn't continue paying all your needs. It looks like you don't work. Do you want to work? If you divorce him, he will tske away the support. He seems to think that if you two stay legally married, then you will wait for him to get tired of his new life and that you will be the cushion he lands on safely. 

Hopefully his thinking doesn't match yours and you will move on with your life while he keeps taking care of you. Why he does this is very simple: he does it because he can. He has been doing it for years and has had two OW that you know of. There could have been more, you just didn't know. 

Take advantage of the fact that he has this odd thinking that if he has you in the wings, he can't marry anyone else because he is taken. That is a good thing. He doesn't really love anyone. If he did, he would of divorced you and married the OW. The having a baby with this OW is just nuts to start new at his age. He may very well be dead by the time the poor kid is old enough to care for himself, but that is out of your hands. 

So he is parading his new arm candy to the family eh? How does that make you feel? Do you have children with this man. I don't think you do or his family would not accept him showing off the arm candy while neglecting the children thst are their family too. Do none of his relatives care that you have been replaced by this trade down? Make no mistake, he is trading down. The majority do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you need to read your own post. Really read it. Then, explain why you are so trying so hard to wait for a man who has clearly made up his mind? You are playing the pick me dance. 

He has not chosen you. Finish the divorce so eventually YOU can have some peace of mind. 

What he does with his life should not be your concern or problem any more. I know it feels very raw and strong now, but your anger, upset, and (yes,) jealousy is a waste of energy you could be putting into your future happiness. You say you wasted 36 years. Only you can decide if that's how you really feel (even if some of us disagree with it being a complete waste) but if you believe it, then why waste another SECOND pining for a man who just wants to carry on without you in the picture?

If he wanted to be with you he would be.

Can you clarify a few things that you mentioned in your post? 

What was the issue with lack of sex you mentioned?
Are you working currently?
Are you involved in some activities with friends? (Things you can do to stay occupied and fulfilled?)


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Wow you sound like a very strong woman despite the pain you must be going through. I think it is apparent that your husband messed up big time, he traded a devoted loving wife for a callous homewrecker with no conscience. Yes while she may be a homewrecker, it is your husband who is the biggest piece of ****. The OW does not have any emotional attachment to you, while your husband does & did this to YOU, after 36 years.

He has been deceiving you for years and now openly cheating, stringing you along! "Cake eating" at its finest. A regular A-hole would maybe dump his wife for the OW & be done, but him no...he's made you look like the biggest fool of all! Taken advantage of your kind nature and big heart. Cut your losses, run and NEVER LOOK BACK! 

Get an attorney now and do what you have to do. Personally I would turn into a vindictive cold *****, and wipe out the joint account. EXPOSE HIM & HER to all their family members, friends and even colleagues! Some BS's prefer taking the high road but these 2 truly need to know the consequences of their actions & it will make you feel better knowing that the truth is out there. They ruined your life so why should they keep their reputations untarnished? A spade is a spade.

I'd gather all the evidence I can get my hands on if I were you - phone records, text messages, the fertility appointment, photos, voice recordings, EVERYTHING. Text messages between you & your husband too and send them to the OW. I don't think she'd be too pleased knowing that he's cheated on her with you too  this guy is seriously a whackjob. Once the truth about their "relationship" is out in the open, I won't give it very long until it crashes and burns. He isn't confused, he is simply a selfish person with no compassion for others. He doesn't care about you or your feelings so why should you care about his? 

There are many good men out there who would be happy to stay committed to a kind loving soul like yourself without dishonesty or manipulation. He is an jerk, no excuses for that. Karma will get him one day and he will be alone & unhappy. You on the other hand are a WARRIOR QUEEN, you will get through this, you will come out more free & more sane than you've ever been. There will be a great man with his life together, who sees your worth and be the one chasing YOU. By then, I'm sure your husband will be running back like the little boy he is. 

Be strong, try to take your emotions out, think objectively when you can and do what you think is right. You will be thankful for it & I promise you, you will come out better than ever. Take care of yourself ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leftalone said:


> Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and I am looking for moral support, advice, reality checks, My story is as follows.. my H and I have been married now for 36 years. it was a good marriage, not perfect, usual issues, not enough sex, in-laws ( his siblings), his lack of communicating his feelings and his at times being a jerk, My temper, my depression.. His loss of his parents at a young age .
> 
> 2 years ago (July 2015) I received a phone call from a woman telling me that she had been having an affair with my husband for several years and that he had recently ended their affair because he had met someone new. That my H in fact was going to be leaving me for this new woman. I never had a clue that my H was cheating on me.. in fact I now have discovered that he led a very double life. I confronted my H and he confessed and told me that he loved this other woman and that he wanted to be with her but he stilled loved me and didn't want to blow our life up and he was confused and conflicted. I remained calm and talked to him .
> 
> ...


Please use paragraphs, sentences and punctuation so that people can read your posts. I broke up your wall of text here so that people can read it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is he fight the divorce? What's he doing to prevent it from going through?

Besides telling you that he does not want a divorce, it does not look like he's really fighting it at all. He does not have to agree to a divorce.

Are there a lot of assets to split? What are the alimony laws in your state? It sounds to me like he just does not want to have to split assets and perhaps have to pay alimony. Too bad for him.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You are married to an awful person. 
You need to do the 180 on him, and file for divorce and then find yourself a REAL man.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

If I were you, I would stop contacting him unless it involves divorce proceedings, your kids, or a dire life-altering situation (one of your kids was in a car accident, someone in the family was diagnosed with a big health scare). I would file for divorce and stick to it no matter how upset your husband is. He made his bed, now he can lay in it. He has to realize that there are consequences to choices, and he needs to own those choices. In answer to your questions at the end there, I would say that your husband is probably just a big jerk who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would head for the hills!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

after reading this, it gets my dander up.

my advice would be to go consult with lawyers and find the nastiest, coldest, most cutthroat divorce lawyer in your area.
let him/her do the dirty work, and if justice reigns, let them take him for every red cent they can that your state/country allows.
tell your lawyer to spare no quarter. don't talk to him anymore, let the lawyer do the talking.

i'm taking it you have no kids, so there will be no collateral damage.

you don't have to hate the man (in fact pray/feel sorry for him), but let justice teach him a lesson for all that's possible.

there are no civil words to describe this guy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce him, he has sucked away more than enough of your life. He will never change, so go find yourself some happy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> after reading this, it gets my dander up.
> 
> my advice would be to go consult with lawyers and find the nastiest, coldest, most cutthroat divorce lawyer in your area.
> let him/her do the dirty work, and if justice reigns, let them take him for every red cent they can that your state/country allows.
> ...


This makes sense, but it's really important to understand how it all works and how to protect herself. People can drag divorce on for years by filing all sorts of things over and over again to prolong the process. I know a woman whose husband is doing this to her now. He has completely broken her. She has no resources to fight him, because of the tactics he has used. If she has been prepared before going into it, she would be in much better shape and probably divorced by now. Knowledge is power.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Thank you Cynthia. I'm sure I come across as having low self esteem or something but that isn't the case at all. this has just been a nightmare and I'm trying to keep a level head and think .. I don't want to make any rash decisions.. I hear everything you are saying and I agree with you on things I need to do. I am active, and I stay as busy as I can. I have friends and family. we do have an adult daughter and she is married, this has been very difficult for her. as for him and the OW.. I don't really think he's living a fantasy with her, I mean she is divorced and she has a 6 year old son. so my H is driving around with a booster seat in his backseat attending children's birthday parties, karate class etc. so he must love playing the role of dad to this kid. as for her.. I sent her text messages that he had been sending me ( some where rather intimate ) but she didn't kick him out, he recently told me that she had read some texts I had sent him ( they were all business NOTHING intimate ) and he said they were about to split up , but nothing came of that .its all just so surreal.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Thank you Bibi1031.. I loved your reply, and love the way you think.. my H and I do have a daughter, she is 34 and married. this has been very difficult for her and for our son in law. I am trying to keep a level head in this and not make any rash decisions. I do not work outside the home, that was something we agreed on when we first married. as for his family.. I am devastated by the fact that they have met the OW. they openly have her in their homes etc. all the while knowing that there is no divorce at this time. I know I will never be able to go around any of them again, i do want them to love my H, and be there for him but i feel they could do that without letting this OW come into their homes and share holidays with her. that part has been very difficult to swallow. Our daughter refuses to go around them now because of how they have opened their homes to the OW.she does she her dad, she invites him to her home and meets him for lunch but has told him to never bring that woman around her.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Hello Leftalone,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Having discovered the long term affair and then this latest one is among the most painful things a spouse can experience. You need to establish firm boundaries with your husband for your sake. He is cake eating, and trying to get along without having to face the consequences of his actions. One of the reasons he won't divorce you and is hostile when you bring it up is because he wants to avoid his financial obligation to you. As long as you are attached to him, you will continue to suffer horribly. You should educate yourself on divorce and learn what you have coming to you. I would strongly recommend seeing a family law attorney and at the very least equipping yourself with the knowledge needed to ensure that you get a settlement that is favorable to you.

I would also go dark with your husband. This means ending all contact with him. Communicate with him through your attorney and a friend. He is manipulative and has kept you down just where he wants you. End all communication with him. This is easy to do since you no longer have minor children.

Thank goodness you have a daughter who understands right from wrong and is holding your husband accountable. Good for her for not abiding visited from the POSOW. To summarize here are the steps you need to take:

1) See and attorney and learn your rights.
2) File for divorce and have him served.
3) Go dark. End communication with your husband. This will bring tremendous releif and peace to your world. You will be surprised how healthy you will feel when you've ended all contact.
4) Take care of yourself. Fill your time with hobbies and excercise. Surround yourself with a support network of people who love and care for you. Do service projects. Helping others is good for them and YOU. I also recommend prayer and worship. When I went through this with my ex, my faith life brought tremendous healing and peace in a time of utter sadness and resentment. 
5) Get a job. Working will bring you much satisfaction and purpose, and you need to support yourself anyway.

Best of luck, and hang in there. God bless!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He might be back when things don't work out with plan A..... he's got good old plan B (you) waiting for him. 

Here's the thing: any chance you might have had to salvage this ended when you refused to file and made clear that you're a doormat and not someone of value.

I'm sorry that's harsh but nobody values a readily available standby.

He's got it made..... he can test drive his ****, or any other ****, and if he can't do better you'll be there to kiss his booboo.

Try presenting yourself as something of value and file for divorce, then cut off all communication.

I have no idea why you're so desperate to have this loser back. 

You can do much better.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> He might be back when things don't work out with plan A..... he's got good old plan B (you) waiting for him.
> 
> Here's the thing: any chance you might have had to salvage this ended when you refused to file and made clear that you're a doormat and not someone of value.
> 
> ...


YES, THIS!! There should be nothing here to consider, kick his cheating ass out and file for divorce! What a disgusting situation with a disgusting man, and you need to seek therapy to find out WHY in the world you have tolerated this!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You do realise that you are enabling this situation where he is treating you so terribly? He has cheated with at least 2 women, and yet you are allowing him to string you along and control your decisions. 
No its not a mid life crisis, nor his confusion, it's his lack of integrity, decency and respect for either you or her. He is lying to both of you, almost certainly telling her lies about you, and you lies about her. Why are you allowing this?
Please move on and have a life. Get a divorce and stop all contact from now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mid life crisis is coming gone with a 30 year muscle car or Harley Davidson or trying to take up surfing again. 

He may have moved out a couple years ago, but his heart and spirit detached a decade or more ago.

He has hit the "reset" button on his life and has moved on into the 2.0 version of his life.

- you need to do the same.

This may not have been part of your original plan but it's time to stop looking in the rear view and trying to shift everything into reverse. 

You have a whole new life now. You can do whatever you want. You can move to wherever you want. Decorate the house however you want. Watch whatever movies and TV shows you want. Eat whatever you want as well as date and hook up with whoever you want.

You can do all of this and a million other things without any regard to him whatsoever. He was in your old life. He's no longer a part of your new life.

Do whatever you want without thinking of him. You've been reborn. Make it a good life.

Get an attorney. Learn your legal right, entitlements and responsibilities and get as much as you possibly can.

Then do whatever trips your trigger. You are a free woman now. You have been released from all wife duties. Your a free and single woman now so live that to the fullest.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Mid life crisis is coming gone with a 30 year muscle car or Harley Davidson or trying to take up surfing again.
> 
> He may have moved out a couple years ago, but his heart and spirit detached a decade or more ago.
> 
> ...



Accept he wants to keep her as his wife. I bet if she starts dating he would be jealous and run back. She is afterall not dating anyone. He is still possessive of her in a sense so he has not yet detached in my estimation. I wonder what his reaction would be if she went out with some friends, posted a picture with her and another man having a good time.

Some clue is how he keeps fishing her along. I agree it is not a mid-life crisis, but he is not yet done either. I wish we could experiment to see what his reaction would be if she posted a pic of another man along with herself. My guess would be he would act possessive or rage against her while losing the fact he has abandoned her.
If he does not react, that gives us more infomation as he is done but does not want the finance of a divorce. Then we also find out that he is willing to sacrifice her available life potential for his benefit while he is living a life he wants at her expense.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Check with your lawyer to make sure your not filing right away does not hurt you when you do file. Maybe there is a legal reason he has for not wanting you to file. Maybe he benefits in some way. 

Dont talk to him when you file. All future corespondance should be between the lawyers. Be sure you get everything you are entitled to, including your Fair share of retirement.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your husband is a serial cheat and a piece of ****. He's been a piece of **** for years.

So no, this isn't a midlife crisis.

This is just you discovering the truth.

Sorry. 

Keep pushing the divorce and stop talking to him.

Take him for every penny you can get out of him, and then more.

Leave nothing for the slore.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Leftalone said:


> Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and I am looking for moral support, advice, reality checks, My story is as follows.. my H and I have been married now for 36 years. it was a good marriage, not perfect, usual issues, not enough sex, in-laws ( his siblings), his lack of communicating his feelings and his at times being a jerk, My temper, my depression.. His loss of his parents at a young age . 2 years ago (July 2015) I received a phone call from a woman telling me that she had been having an affair with my husband for several years and that he had recently ended their affair because he had met someone new. That my H in fact was going to be leaving me for this new woman. I never had a clue that my H was cheating on me.. in fact I now have discovered that he led a very double life. I confronted my H and he confessed and told me that he loved this other woman and that he wanted to be with her but he stilled loved me and didn't want to blow our life up and he was confused and conflicted. I remained calm and talked to him . i asked him to stop seeing this new woman and for us to try and salvage our relationship/marriage.. he just continued to say that he was confused and didn't know what to do.. i will add that He met this new woman in may 2015, so by july 2015 he is stating that he was in love and wanted to be with her. at the time it sounded to me like a true midlife crisis and i was willing to be patient and work this out. well, my H stayed in our home with me for a few months, all the while i am asking him to stop seeing "her" and trying my best to conduct our lives as normal as possible. By October 2015 he said he couldn't take it anymore and that my asking him to end things with "her" had just pushed him out the door so he moved out in October 2015 and moved in with "her". He has been there ever since. when he left he said he didn't know what the future holds, but at this point i should consider him gone. i told him that i wasn't going to file for divorce and that i wanted him to really think about what he was doing and everything he would lose if we did go our separate ways.( this new OW) knew all along that we were not separated, and that in fact neither me or my H were filing for divorce. she apparently doesn't care as long as she gets layed by another womans husband and she can act like she has a real meaningful relationship with him. i will also add that she is living with my H and conducting this crazy life in front of her now 6 yr. old son from her previous marriage) in my opinion my H has found himself a total piece of trash.. a complete **** ) Shortly after my H moved in with the OW he bagan texting me. telling me how much he missed me and that he was going back and forth about wanting to work things out. i continued to say that he had to end it with her and we would have to enter counseling.. The first yr. he was gone he would see me on a weekly basis, but all the while saying he didn't want the OW to know about our meetings. i had a lot of problems with this and told him that he needed to be up front with her about his feelings, and that he was going back and forth on weather or not to return home. he refused and would become angry. by the spring of 2016 i had truly had enough, he had been gone for 6 months, it appeared he was settling in with her, her son and building a new life for himself. so i filed for divorce for adultery and abandonment.. He became very upset saying he never wanted a divorce, he just wanted peace. he asked me to drop the suit and just give him some space and time. he said he wanted peace and a long term separation. i asked how long a time he considered long term that there had to be an end to this but he has still to this day never answered that. well, i put the divorce on hold and for about a month things seemed to be getting better. but by the end of 2016 it was just clear to me that i needed to cut ties and end this. I feel in my heart that my H has some very serious problems and want him to get the help he needs but i can not force someone to get help. So in Jan. 2017 i discovered that my H had made an appointment at a fertility clinic and had kept the appt. i was in complete shock. My H is 55 yrs old, ready to start looking at retiring, has chronic back pain to the point it will eventually become very difficult for him to get around, and he is now going to a fertility clinic with this 35 yr. old ****..when i confronted him about it he literally said that he just went because he wanted to know if he could still father children.. it was then it hit me that if his lips were moving he was lying. I reopened my suit for divorce and again he becomes so angry.. saying that the only reason i want a divorce id to drag him through the mud, that i just want to humiliate "her", he even went so far as to put in a text to me that if i in fact filed for divorce for adultery he would fight me in court to the point he was broke and i would have to get off my ass and get a job. he said he didn't want a divorce because it would be so traumatic and he didn't want to relive all this, and that a divorce would be so final. He continued to say " why cant we just give it time like we talked about at first" " I want peace and a long term separation". It has gotten to the point for me where i am questioning my sanity, he says these things to me with such conviction as if i am just not seeing the bigger picture, as if i am in the wrong for saying end this crap with the OW.. so during the past few months i have discovered that my H has removed me on his medical records as being notified in an emergency, he has changed the address on his vehicle registration with her address. he has taken her to meet and be around his family a total of 8 times in a year and a half and has slept with her in his brothers house while on visits to see his family. All THE WHILE SAYING HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS BUT DOESNT WANT A DIVORCE..none of our major assets have moved that i can see, all my bills are paid, he is listed as Married on all his work benefits etc.. we still have our joint accounts, i have our health insurance. but he walks around as if i do not exist , he acts like he has this committed relationship to this ****.. and still to this day he gets upset if she finds out he spoke to me, or that we had a conversation over text.. are you kidding me.. this **** is upset that the married man she is screwing has a conversation with his WIFE.. So, he's living with this 35 yr old whack job, they may or may not be trying to have a baby, he acts like he's single, wants a long term separation, i now have no real idea what this OW actually knows, He is fighting the divorce.. so many words are in my head now when i think of my H.. Narcissist, hedonistic, sociopath,delusional, manipulative, confusing, mixed signals, lost, troubled soul. so after 2 years of his craziness, after 2 years of trying to understand all this, of being sweet , and patient.. after 2 years of this OW not realizing she needs to remove herself from this situation and get away from my H , I am facing divorce, and a future that i never considered. i guess i was and have been stupid to believe that i should stand for our marriage and family. i guess i was stupid to believe that sometimes men do crazy things but they eventually snap out of it..I am 55 and i put everything i had into our marriage and now it looks like it was 36 wasted years.. i just need a shoulder to lean on, i need moral support, Is My H truly confused? Is he hurting in someway and he's afraid to get help? Is this some extreme midlife crisis? Is he setting me up to just leave me with nothing? Is this plain and simple cake eating? and if so what should a wife do? I will add that we have not seen each other in 8 months. He actually refuses to see me. he will not answer his phone if i call him. we were only communicating through texts and now it appears that has stopped. i have seen the OW recently and she doesn't appear to be pregnant.


The wall of text, cannot, have a headache trying to read, please put in paragraphs


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ok I read your story and am so sorry you have gone through so much pain. You already know the answer. Do you have adult kids? Do they know?

Make sure you have a bull dog lawyer and take him to the cleaners. He has betrayed you and only cared about not having his name dragged through the mud not about yours, he is the enemy, you owe him absolutely nothing and you have already wasted 2 years of your life on him waiting.

1. Get a fantastic lawyer and sue him for every penny. If you can show she has caused the break up of the marriage in your state, sue her also
2. Make sure you get all the documents on your finances together and take them to the lawyer
3. Tell all your family and friends exactly what he has been doing
4. Do not let him know what you are doing
5. No more communication with him, only via your lawyer, he is able to sweet talk you too easily
6. You are young enough to start life fresh with a decent man, your WH only wants you as Plan B
7. Maybe he is scared to marry her, so a divorce means she puts the pressure on, let her
8. Get out of this situation as fast as you can, so you can begin to heal and move on with your life


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Mr. Fisty, I'm not sure if he is possessive of me or not. He never asks about me, never drives by our home. if he's with our daughter he never brings me up. our daughter says he acts like nothing is wrong, and only talks about his job or his back pain. I'm not on social media so he cant follow me secretively. i don't think he would care if i met someone else.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Over the past 2 years he has played this Hot and Cold game, one day he is somewhat kind, a few days later he is silent or hateful. If he has an argument with "her" he will text me that they are about to split up and that he's sure I'm happy about that. but the split up never happens. I am always at a loss for words when he does this because ive done nothing to him or her so why tell me this stuff. i never respond to him when he does this. so its odd.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Another thing he does that i find odd..I really do not contact him unless i have to. so what is odd is that he tells me to leave him alone, and get on with my life. but when there has been no contact at all for several days he will send a text for some bogus reason and i mean bogus. so I'll make a comment about how he asked me to leave him alone and he replies that its ok if we speak he just doesn't want to talk about the situation. an example of what he does.. i have not been in contact with him for over a week, this past Sunday i get a text receipt from square up , i had not been shopping all weekend so i sent him a text asking if he had been shopping and i explained the receipt. he said it was his charge etc.. what is odd is that he had to have deliberately had that receipt sent to me there is no other way i would have received it..so i don't know what to think about his behavior.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Leftalone said:


> Another thing he does that i find odd..I really do not contact him unless i have to. so what is odd is that he tells me to leave him alone, and get on with my life. but when there has been no contact at all for several days he will send a text for some bogus reason and i mean bogus. so I'll make a comment about how he asked me to leave him alone and he replies that its ok if we speak he just doesn't want to talk about the situation. an example of what he does.. i have not been in contact with him for over a week, this past Sunday i get a text receipt from square up , i had not been shopping all weekend so i sent him a text asking if he had been shopping and i explained the receipt. he said it was his charge etc.. what is odd is that he had to have deliberately had that receipt sent to me there is no other way i would have received it..so i don't know what to think about his behavior.


So don't answer. It's really that simple.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Leftalone said:


> Another thing he does that i find odd..I really do not contact him unless i have to. so what is odd is that he tells me to leave him alone, and get on with my life. but when there has been no contact at all for several days he will send a text for some bogus reason and i mean bogus. so I'll make a comment about how he asked me to leave him alone and he replies that its ok if we speak he just doesn't want to talk about the situation. an example of what he does.. i have not been in contact with him for over a week, this past Sunday i get a text receipt from square up , i had not been shopping all weekend so i sent him a text asking if he had been shopping and i explained the receipt. he said it was his charge etc.. what is odd is that he had to have deliberately had that receipt sent to me there is no other way i would have received it..so i don't know what to think about his behavior.


you are a classic victim of a manipulative, narcissistic, selfish man.
too nice, too insecure, and too paralyzed by his control methods to deal with him.

i know. i was once victimized by a control freak.

you need help. either a counselor, trusted friend or family who is stronger than you, or a sympathetic tough as nails lawyer.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leftalone said:


> Another thing he does that i find odd..I really do not contact him unless i have to. so what is odd is that he tells me to leave him alone, and get on with my life. but when there has been no contact at all for several days he will send a text for some bogus reason and i mean bogus. so I'll make a comment about how he asked me to leave him alone and he replies that its ok if we speak he just doesn't want to talk about the situation. an example of what he does.. i have not been in contact with him for over a week, this past Sunday i get a text receipt from square up , i had not been shopping all weekend so i sent him a text asking if he had been shopping and i explained the receipt. he said it was his charge etc.. what is odd is that he had to have deliberately had that receipt sent to me there is no other way i would have received it..so i don't know what to think about his behavior.


You already know he doesn't want a divorce due to how it will impact him financially. He is trying to keep you on the hook without putting any emotional energy into it. You being confused is the point. He wants you to be confused and not to stop thinking about him for too long at a time. He's reminding you that he's still there. He doesn't want any emotional attachment. He doesn't want to have to do anything to engage or deal with the situation, but he also doesn't want you to divorce him since it messes with his finances to have to split everything with you.

Ignore him. Make a plan. He has threatened that if you divorce him there will be nothing left. Do not rely on one person, an attorney who wants your money, to tell you what your rights are and what you can do to avoid him draining all the finances and giving them to the courts and lawyers. Rely on yourself to find out that information through research and study. Once you have a full understanding of what you can do to protect yourself, find an attorney that you trust and get the divorce over with as quickly as possible.

You truly are wasting time and energy caring about what he means by these ridiculous things like sending you receipts. It doesn't matter what he is thinking or what he is doing. What matters is that you are able to defend yourself against his schemes to cause you harm and that you are able to turn the tables by understanding how to work the system in your favor and get out of this mess as soon as possible. Don't waste another minute thinking about what he is up to. Spend your time working to extricate yourself from this mess and being able to support yourself without his assistance.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Stop talking to him.

That's what lawyers are for.

And stop trying to figure out his motives, thoughts and behaviors. That what shrinks and psychological researchers are for.

Your job is to get away from him and move forward with your own life.

This can be done in two easy steps.

Step #1. Get a lawyer.

Step #2. Do what lawyer says.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Please detach from this obviously toxic individual. You deserve better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leftalone said:


> Another thing he does that i find odd..I really do not contact him unless i have to. so what is odd is that he tells me to leave him alone, and get on with my life. but when there has been no contact at all for several days he will send a text for some bogus reason and i mean bogus. so I'll make a comment about how he asked me to leave him alone and he replies that its ok if we speak he just doesn't want to talk about the situation. an example of what he does.. i have not been in contact with him for over a week, this past Sunday i get a text receipt from square up , i had not been shopping all weekend so i sent him a text asking if he had been shopping and i explained the receipt. he said it was his charge etc.. what is odd is that he had to have deliberately had that receipt sent to me there is no other way i would have received it..so i don't know what to think about his behavior.


 There is absolutely no reason why you need to contact him at all, or he you. Your child is well into adulthood, so cut off ALL contact for good.My husband had had no contact at all with his ex for 12 years, since his sons were aged 18 and 21. 
The divorce can be done through the lawyers. You are enabling his appalling behavior, and nothing will change unless you act.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Leftalone,
You have shared your observations. Do you want advice? Or are you just looking for friendly ears to hear your tale of woe? Once again, sorry you are going through this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> There is absolutely no reason why you need to contact him at all, or he you. Your child is well into adulthood, so cut off ALL contact for good.My husband had had no contact at all with his ex for 12 years, since his sons were aged 18 and 21.
> The divorce can be done through the lawyers. You are enabling his appalling behavior, and nothing will change unless you act.


This ^^^^^^^

Your children are adults so you can talk to them as you wish and they can talk to you as they wish.

It will be your lawyer's job to advocate for you the terms and conditions of the divorce and to get you as much of the marital assets that you are humanly able to get.

It may seem unintuitive to you at first but there really virtually no reason to ever have any form of contact with him ever again.

Virtually none. 

No good can ever come from it.

All it is doing is tearing the band aid off again and again tearing the scab off each time so that it never heals.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He does this because you're Plan B.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> So he is parading *his new arm candy* to the family eh? How does that make you feel? Do you have children with this man. I don't think you do or his family would not accept him showing off the arm candy while neglecting the children thst are their family too. Do none of his relatives care that you have been replaced by this trade down? Make no mistake, he is trading down. The majority do.


Arm Candy?

Sheesh!

With that in mind.....I guess if I were single you would be arm candy to me :frown2::frown2:

Yeppir!

Getting old will be the Death of me. :|:grin2:

I would be Arm Candy to some Octo Generarian....Sheeeeit.

With these depressing thoughts I am ready to re-don my Army uniform and go back to War.
Getting old does not sit well with a Martian.
........................................................................................................................................................................

Back on topic:

Even though the cheater husband is a Narcissist, I see his twisted dilemma.
The reason he does not want to divorce the OP is he knows she will get 50% of his assets plus alimony. He is not confused. Plus any insurance he has covers her, not his cheater GF.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

@Leftalone, you don't have to divorce if you don't want to, but see a lawyer just to get well informed. He still pays for everything you need. What will happen when retirement age comes? You don't have retirement money, but what about him? 

If you divorce and his retirement is the only thing you two have for old age, the amount you get will be drastically reduced. If I would have known about how much I was standing to lose in my old age, I most certainly would not have divorced my piece of crap first X. You don't have to have contact with him if it is not strictly business that is in your best interest. By that I am talking money and that is pretty much it. Any property you two made while married needs to go to your daughter when you two pass away. Get your husband to accept legally giving that to your daughter now and hopefully if it is not in your best interest to divorce, he will not screw you and your child over with what rightfullt belongs to you. 

In hindsight, I pretty much could have gotten everything my bad ass lawyer got me from the X plus I would have been set at retirement age. Now I am screwed because I get only half of his social security and that is it. I could have kicked myself in the booty for that mistake. Now it is going to kick my arse every month of my old age. 

I'm a teacher and teacher retirement sucks rocks. When retirement age rolls around, his retirement amount after divorce will be better than my meager teacher retirement. Please, get yourself well educated in what is truly in your best interest and don't do anything drastic unless your cheating husband is royally screwing you over by wasting away your money and assets on his loverboy toys/OW.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont stay in a miserable situation because of money. Find a way.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Dont stay in a miserable situation because of money. Find a way.


It is not miserable if she implements the 180 on him til death due part them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Leftalone said:


> Another thing he does that i find odd..I really do not contact him unless i have to. so what is odd is that he tells me to leave him alone, and get on with my life. but when there has been no contact at all for several days he will send a text for some bogus reason and i mean bogus. so I'll make a comment about how he asked me to leave him alone and he replies that its ok if we speak he just doesn't want to talk about the situation. an example of what he does.. i have not been in contact with him for over a week, this past Sunday i get a text receipt from square up , i had not been shopping all weekend so i sent him a text asking if he had been shopping and i explained the receipt. he said it was his charge etc.. what is odd is that he had to have deliberately had that receipt sent to me there is no other way i would have received it..so i don't know what to think about his behavior.


He wants to have his cake and eat it, simple and you are allowing him to. Block him, no more contact of any kind. See your lawyer and have your lawyer send him a notice saying the same, no contact. You cannot move on and heal because deep down these little interactions are giving you some hope which is pointless cause he is not coming back. Having you still married to him, still communicating with him, is all about HIM not you and his ego. Please cut him off completely and move on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> It is not miserable if she implements the 180 on him til death due part them.


Why bother when you can get out and find a REAL life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> It is not miserable if she implements the 180 on him til death due part them.


This is not the only option to remain in good financial condition. Rather than wasting another minute waiting for him it would be wise for her to use his apathy about their marriage to make and implement a plan to not allow him to drag the divorce on until nothing is left and to prepare to support herself fully. This allows for a fuller, richer life that is completely separated from him forever. I do not believe it is healthy to remain in a state of paralysis.

Further, he could change his mind any minute and then where would she be? Eventually his mistress is going to complain enough that he will either leave her or divorce his wife. If he makes another baby, that will add a whole new dimension into the mix.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> Further, he could change his mind any minute and then where would she be? Eventually his mistress is going to complain enough that he will either leave her or divorce his wife. If he makes another baby, that will add a whole new dimension into the mix.


Of course this may very well happen, but anything and everything he had before the divorce legally half of it all belongs to both of them. That is why I suggested she get him to change any property acquired during the marriage to go to their child because the OW is already getting him ready to be a daddy again. She wants to secure what rightfully belongs to leftalone and her daughter. 

OW is already getting him to go to the clinic to concieve a child with him, and pretty much steel money and assets that don"t belong to him alone. That is why she could care less if he marryies her or not or if he sees leftalone or not. OW is not interested in him but what she can get from him. That is why I suggested OP should know her rights and watch like a hawk what actually belongs to her and her daughter. He is wasting marital assets on OW in all honesty and that is why most of us divorce our cheating husbands. 

I had plenty of evidence of my X's shenanigans to have him accept all my conditions without finalizing my divorce. My X would not have divorced me even after I got him to accept all my conditions because he never cared to marry again. He has had multiple girlfriends, but he firmly states he will never marry or have anymore children again and he even left a so called fiance because she wanted to get pregnant behind his back. Most WS are not the ones to file, they can't be bothered with those legalities.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

I went to our brokerage firm yesterday and found out that he took 5,000 in cash out of a joint cash account a few months ago. I asked him about it and he became furious, and told me he needed money to buy things for himself. funny thing is he continues to use our credit card for gas, food, some travel, shopping.. LOL. so why did he need this cash ( I do realize the answer to that ) He was served with divorce papers late last night, he says he is going to defend himself he is not going to hire an attorney.. :scratchhead: at this point I am speechless..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leftalone said:


> I went to our brokerage firm yesterday and found out that he took 5,000 in cash out of a joint cash account a few months ago. I asked him about it and he became furious, and told me he needed money to buy things for himself. funny thing is he continues to use our credit card for gas, food, some travel, shopping.. LOL. so why did he need this cash ( I do realize the answer to that ) He was served with divorce papers late last night, he says he is going to defend himself he is not going to hire an attorney.. :scratchhead: at this point I am speechless..


Its good news for you if he doesn't get lawyers. 
Well done for finally calling a halt to his appalling behavior.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have to say I'm pretty damn stoked he got served, good for you! And yes, its a definite advantage to you if he wont lawyer up. Do you have access to that joint account?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leftalone said:


> I went to our brokerage firm yesterday and found out that he took 5,000 in cash out of a joint cash account a few months ago. I asked him about it and he became furious, and told me he needed money to buy things for himself. funny thing is he continues to use our credit card for gas, food, some travel, shopping.. LOL. so why did he need this cash ( I do realize the answer to that ) He was served with divorce papers late last night, he says he is going to defend himself he is not going to hire an attorney.. :scratchhead: at this point I am speechless..


He went from saying he was going to drag it out and burn up all your assets to now saying he is going to defend himself. Whatever. Don't believe anything he says. In fact, there is no point in communicating with him at all. Get this over with asap and be free of him. You don't need that kind of drama.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have to say I'm pretty damn stoked he got served, good for you! And yes, its a definite advantage to you if he wont lawyer up. Do you have access to that joint account?


Well as you all know , I really didn't want to file for a divorce but when I was able to actually see that he was taking cash from a joint marital investment account I really had no choice. I do have access to that account.. my attorney has issued an emergency hearing to freeze all assets . I really don't think my H understands what is about to happen. and I know it is to my advantage if he doesn't lawyer up.. but it just shocks the heck out of me that he would even do that. I mean he has dug a very deep hole for himself and I cant wrap my head around his thinking that he is going to go in front of a judge and say.. well your honor, I love my wife and really didn't want to leave her, but she yelled at me all the time and she has a temper.. and she just demanded that I give up the OW..so I think I am justified in my actions... LOL ... I feel like he is turning this into a 3 ring circus..


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Its good news for you if he doesn't get lawyers.
> Well done for finally calling a halt to his appalling behavior.


Not necessarily good if he won't get a lawyer, unless it's a very straightforward split. It will delay things, and your lawyer will have to catch his mistakes, costing you more.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Not necessarily good if he won't get a lawyer, unless it's a very straightforward split. It will delay things, and your lawyer will have to catch his mistakes, costing you more.


Yea, I thought of that to. So do you think this is his attempt at dragging the divorce out? he informed me when he was served that he still didn't want a divorce, and even asked me what a divorce would change for me. I told him it would allow me to fully move on, that I would be able to get on with my life.. he then started talking about how he keeps asking me for peace, and that as long as I keep coming at him about her, and not allowing things to calm down that he will never come back. What he doesn't seem to understand is that its all the crap I keep finding out that is upsetting me, its his continued lies, taking money from our cash investment account is not ok. Bottom line.. for me.. I am willing to work on our relationship/marriage but the OW has to go. and he has to stop lying to me and doing things behind my back, if that cant happen then I'm done...


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Just before I went in to talk to the brokerage firm I changed my cell phone number and blocked him from all my emails. so he has all our accounts set up for him to be notified about anything to do with them. so by the end of the day he had been notified that I was in our accounts and he was served. he has not called our house phone in over a year so what does he do when he realizes I'm blocking him? he calls our house, I wasn't paying attention and answered the phone so I ended up having a conversation with him. basically what he said was. 1) doesn't want a divorce 2) he wants peace & long term separation 3) he doesn't want to be questioned about what he spends money on 4) he said I need to put down my fists and stop arguing with him, stop yelling at him and stop calling him names 5) he wants me to get busy and not think about the situation and just let things calm down 6) he has left her twice so things are not great .. I'm just letting you guys know what he is saying..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Leftalone said:


> Just before I went in to talk to the brokerage firm I changed my cell phone number and blocked him from all my emails. so he has all our accounts set up for him to be notified about anything to do with them. so by the end of the day he had been notified that I was in our accounts and he was served. he has not called our house phone in over a year so what does he do when he realizes I'm blocking him? he calls our house, I wasn't paying attention and answered the phone so I ended up having a conversation with him. basically what he said was. 1) doesn't want a divorce 2) he wants peace & long term separation 3) he doesn't want to be questioned about what he spends money on 4) he said I need to put down my fists and stop arguing with him, stop yelling at him and stop calling him names 5) he wants me to get busy and not think about the situation and just let things calm down 6) he has left her twice so things are not great .. I'm just letting you guys know what he is saying..


WOW. So you just be good little wifey, and sit down and shut up and let him keep screwing another woman and giving her your money. Unreal. What a disgusting piece of work he is.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> WOW. So you just be good little wifey, and sit down and shut up and let him keep screwing another woman and giving her your money. Unreal. What a disgusting piece of work he is.


I agree. He acts as if you are his property to do with as he wishes. As long as he is supporting you financially he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you should be content with your life.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree. He acts as if you are his property to do with as he wishes. As long as he is supporting you financially he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you should be content with your life.


OH MY GOSH !!! he said something like that.. He said that with a divorce he would still be supporting me.. I guess he means alimony.. well, he dug this hole for himself .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're still wishing he'd come home, the best way is to go dark. Invisible. So he can find out nothing about you, what you're doing, unless it's to hear that you're going out and having fun. So good first start.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Leftalone said:


> OH MY GOSH !!! he said something like that.. He said that with a divorce he would still be supporting me.. I guess he means alimony.. well, he dug this hole for himself .


Exactly!! If he had been a REAL husband, he wouldnt find himself in this situation. Boo frickin hoo.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leftalone said:


> OH MY GOSH !!! he said something like that.. He said that with a divorce he would still be supporting me.. I guess he means alimony.. well, he dug this hole for himself .


I'm sorry that your husband treats you like an object for his use. You do not deserve to be viewed or treated like that. Even if he comes home to you, he will continue to feel that way about you. People like that have serious character problems. If he were to come back to you, it would not be to do the right thing. It would be due to needing something that he could get from you. That is no way for you to live. You have a lot of life left ahead of you. Don't waste is waiting from someone who doesn't value you as a person.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Him coming home should be the furthest thing from her mind. He isnt worth having.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Not necessarily good if he won't get a lawyer, unless it's a very straightforward split. It will delay things, and your lawyer will have to catch his mistakes, costing you more.


It will make his efforts to get more less effective. Her lawyer will run rings round him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leftalone said:


> Just before I went in to talk to the brokerage firm I changed my cell phone number and blocked him from all my emails. so he has all our accounts set up for him to be notified about anything to do with them. so by the end of the day he had been notified that I was in our accounts and he was served. he has not called our house phone in over a year so what does he do when he realizes I'm blocking him? he calls our house, I wasn't paying attention and answered the phone so I ended up having a conversation with him. basically what he said was. 1) doesn't want a divorce 2) he wants peace & long term separation 3) he doesn't want to be questioned about what he spends money on 4) he said I need to put down my fists and stop arguing with him, stop yelling at him and stop calling him names 5) he wants me to get busy and not think about the situation and just let things calm down 6) he has left her twice so things are not great .. I'm just letting you guys know what he is saying..


Get a phone that tells you who is calling and dont answer if he rings again. Cut off all communication.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I absolutely wouldn't give him the damned time of day!

He abandoned you with malice and afore thought! Get your lawyer to work and move on from this putrid chapter of your life!

Move on! There are far better days laying ahead of you! May God truly bless!*


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Leftalone said:


> Well as you all know , I really didn't want to file for a divorce but when I was able to actually see that he was taking cash from a joint marital investment account I really had no choice. I do have access to that account.. my attorney has issued an emergency hearing to freeze all assets . I really don't think my H understands what is about to happen. and I know it is to my advantage if he doesn't lawyer up.. but it just shocks the heck out of me that he would even do that. I mean he has dug a very deep hole for himself and I cant wrap my head around his thinking that he is going to go in front of a judge and say.. well your honor, I love my wife and really didn't want to leave her, but she yelled at me all the time and she has a temper.. and she just demanded that I give up the OW..so I think I am justified in my actions... LOL ... I feel like he is turning this into a 3 ring circus..


Shifting your focus to YOU is starting to look really good on ya! I am glad you realize that loving a person that doesn't have our back anymore takes us some time to realize that they are not the same person we truly love anymore even if the outer shell is the same. That is the shifting point for most of us and when detaching begins as well as the slow process of healing as well. 

Don't believe for another second that he will not lawyer up. My X said the same thing. I told my lawyer that my then husband did not want a lawyer and he smiled at me and flat out told me that tune would chsnge real fast. He also told me everything I needed from my WS regarding bank accounts, paystubs and money set aside from then husband's retirement accounts from his employment and all other properties/assets. I told him I could get everything he needed because all that was in a file cabinet in husbsnd's home office. My lawyer just gave me another of his weird smiles which I understood when I opened the file cabinet and everything was gone! 

You are not alone in getting your heart and your head to catch up on just how different, and not in a good way, our once loving, loyal, and trustworthy husbands are so far from that anymore. Over night, the one you love and trust the most literally becomes your worst enemy. It's mind boggling to say the least. 

((((Hugs))))

You are doing well, it's your journey at your pace and we are here for you. Take solace in knowing that many of us have come out the other side in this ending of our marriages as we knew them won't kill us and we do come out to the other side. We heal and become whole again. TIME is our friend even if at times we may not think so.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Him coming home should be the furthest thing from her mind. He isnt worth having.


Sadly, the mayority of us hold on to that false hope for quite some time. It is very normal though. It takes our heart a long time to catch up with our heads and for the two to finally have a united front with only our best interest to care about. 

We also need to remember thst our WS are way ahead of us in the detachment game. By the time the speech is given to us, they are too far gone from us, that the percentage of them coming back and honestly reconsiling is extremely slim. Our treasured marriages become a casualty of infidelity.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I feel numb this morning, and there is sadness that is washing over me that I have never felt before. I feel like the pain and grief is starting anew. there have been times this morning I couldn't catch my breath. I have second guessed myself with every step , but my heart and actions have been true. all I ever wanted from him was an honest chance to salvage our marriage without another woman being in his life. I guess that was too high a price for him to pay. I have changed my cell phone number, and blocked him from my emails. the next time I see him or hear his voice will be in a court room. we had a beautiful life and family and its all gone over a 35 year old piece of tail who he said a few days ago he has left twice in recent months. I find that interesting, if he did leave her he didn't reach out to me .


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> It will make his efforts to get more less effective. Her lawyer will run rings round him.


One would think so, but not always. My wife's ex did not have a lawyer, but he taught himself a lot about the one or two specifics that mattered to him, and made a nuisance of himself to her lawyer, driving up costs dramatically, until it was cheaper to give him what he wanted. Her lawyer had to take his calls, legally, and charge her for the time spent.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Leftalone said:


> Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I feel numb this morning, and there is sadness that is washing over me that I have never felt before. I feel like the pain and grief is starting anew. there have been times this morning I couldn't catch my breath. I have second guessed myself with every step , but my heart and actions have been true. all I ever wanted from him was an honest chance to salvage our marriage without another woman being in his life. I guess that was too high a price for him to pay. I have changed my cell phone number, and blocked him from my emails. the next time I see him or hear his voice will be in a court room. we had a beautiful life and family and its all gone over a 35 year old piece of tail who he said a few days ago he has left twice in recent months. I find that interesting, if he did leave her he didn't reach out to me .


You sound like a good lady. What a moron for leaving someone like you.
But better for you.

I've been there. I know how it hurts.

You will get over this in time. There are better days ahead. Believe me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It makes me so sad and angry that this man is holding you in reserve in case his present relationship doesn't work out. It makes me even more sad that up till now you would have agreed to take him back, and thought you weren't worth being his no 1. 
I am glad that you have realized now that the hope you still held for this man has gone, and you are getting your self-respect back. 
Yes you will feel awful and hurt and sad, you are grieving for your lost marriage, but you are doing so well and we are proud of you.:smile2:


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> It makes me so sad and angry that this man is holding you in reserve in case his present relationship doesn't work out. It makes me even more sad that up till now you would have agreed to take him back, and thought you weren't worth being his no 1.
> I am glad that you have realized now that the hope you still held for this man has gone, and you are getting your self-respect back.
> Yes you will feel awful and hurt and sad, you are grieving for your lost marriage, but you are doing so well and we are proud of you.:smile2:


Thank you.. He says it just not all simple, that its not black and white..


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> One would think so, but not always. My wife's ex did not have a lawyer, but he taught himself a lot about the one or two specifics that mattered to him, and made a nuisance of himself to her lawyer, driving up costs dramatically, until it was cheaper to give him what he wanted. Her lawyer had to take his calls, legally, and charge her for the time spent.


I have heard this from others when telling me of their experiences. But I have been told that since I do not have a job and I have been a stay at home wife and mom for 36 years that the courts will make my H pay my legal expenses. I do not know what he is thinking, weather this is to cause problems, slow things down, or what but I would think this will not look good to a judge. Plus I have in texts from my H that if I file for divorce for citing adultery he will fight me all the way to h^&& until there is no money left. and then I will finally have to get off my #$% and get a job. I HAVE THIS IN TEXT FROM HIM. it hurts more than I can say to have my H talk to me like this, He never yelled at me or ever said a cross word to me until he met this OW. and it was our agreement that I would stay home and take care of things while he worked . I also have the following from him in text as well.. " I am sitting here and I realize that for all these years you have always put me first and stood behind me and always supported me. I know I would not be where I am in life now with you." so I cant wait for the judge to see the texts I have from him.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Leftalone said:


> Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I feel numb this morning, and there is sadness that is washing over me that I have never felt before. I feel like the pain and grief is starting anew. there have been times this morning I couldn't catch my breath. I have second guessed myself with every step , but my heart and actions have been true. all I ever wanted from him was an honest chance to salvage our marriage without another woman being in his life. I guess that was too high a price for him to pay. I have changed my cell phone number, and blocked him from my emails. the next time I see him or hear his voice will be in a court room. we had a beautiful life and family and its all gone over a 35 year old piece of tail who he said a few days ago he has left twice in recent months. I find that interesting, if he did leave her he didn't reach out to me .


That that you are feeling is because you were too busy fighting for your old life and old husband that you had not had down time to feel your terrible loss. Mourn that loss because for most of us it is one of the worst experiences we thought we would never go though. 

You were fighting to get some control over what to you had and still holds great value, but you can't control or mend what you didn't break no matter how confusing and real your wondering spouse's blame ****fing makes you think he is right. Blameshifting, lies, deceit, selfishness comes hand in hand with infidelity. Don't drink his kool aid anymore. You were not perfect (no one is), but you didn't stray, break vows, and you sure as hell didn't replace him or waste marital assets on an affair partner/human toy. 

Part of not drinking his kool aid is believing he will leave this OW anytime soon. It took him 5 years to change the old one for this one. He has 3 years more to go with this one before he moves on to the next. Meanwhile, he will continue to string you along with false hope of change. The chances of this being true are slim to none as in time you will begin to realize this awful yet liberating truth.

Stay strong, you are getting stronger even if it hurts. At least your pain and efforts are working for your best interests and not against them. If the pain and sadness get too overwhelming, please seek medical attention. I, as well as many others, had to take something to make our loss somewhatbbearable. Time, and lots of it, is really what will ultimately heal you completely. You can't rush it because the only way to the other side is going through it. You are not alone, TAM is here for you every step of the way.

Sometimes you are going to have to cut yourself some slack and take things one day, or one hour at a time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leftalone said:


> Thank you.. He says it just not all simple, that its not black and white..


Your husband does not have your best interests at heart. In fact, he has clearly shown that your thoughts and feelings don't matter to him. He has become angry when you point out simple truths. It doesn't matter what he has to say, because it is not coming from a place of concern for you or for what is right. Everything he says and does comes from a place of utter self-centeredness. The only thing he cares about is his own comfort. Don't believe a word he says. His words do not matter.

When you start thinking on the things he has said, tell yourself that his words are not helpful to you then refocus your thoughts on something helpful and uplifting like your to-do list. Keep yourself busy with productive tasks and positive thoughts.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Leftalone said:


> Thank you.. He says it just not all simple, that its not black and white..



Of course it isn't cuz it's all brown. He crapped all over the life he should of cherished til the end of time.

Stop talking to him. His mouth only opens to spew more and more lies! Let him sent you emails or texts. This will give you further proof and text works just like a paper trail and the courts will love this to help YOU and screw him like he deserves. It's about time he starts feeling consequences for what he has done.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leftalone said:


> Thank you.. He says it just not all simple, that its not black and white..


Your reply: It is for me. I won't share my husband. I'll see you in court.

And the funny thing is, as soon as you DO go dark, YOU become more desirable psychologically. We all want what we can't have.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

You have all been so kind, and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I know this is going to be a long road. I.m sure I come across as rambling at times, its just the overwhelming pain of it all. its looking around and seeing the utter destruction that my H and this OW have caused. I'm sitting here today , its pouring rain outside and my thoughts are racing. I'm sure I will post many times today just to get the thoughts out of my head...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leftalone said:


> Thank you.. He says it just not all simple, that its not black and white..


It is, he is cheating. He left you 2 years ago for another lady. He has made his decision, its very simple.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leftalone said:


> You have all been so kind, and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I know this is going to be a long road. I.m sure I come across as rambling at times, its just the overwhelming pain of it all. its looking around and seeing the utter destruction that my H and this OW have caused. I'm sitting here today , its pouring rain outside and my thoughts are racing. I'm sure I will post many times today just to get the thoughts out of my head...


It's not the OW. There are many women who would gladly be in her place. There were women before her. The reason your husband is cheating on you has nothing to do with an individual woman. It is something inside of him. I get the impression that you think if he would leave and come back to you that everything could be okay, but that's not how it works. Your husband has shown himself to be unconcerned about the feelings of others and wrapped up in himself. That is the root of the problem and until or unless he is willing to do something about that, he will never change.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> It's not the OW. There are many women who would gladly be in her place. There were women before her. The reason your husband is cheating on you has nothing to do with an individual woman. It is something inside of him. I get the impression that you think if he would leave and come back to you that everything could be okay, but that's not how it works. Your husband has shown himself to be unconcerned about the feelings of others and wrapped up in himself. That is the root of the problem and until or unless he is willing to do something about that, he will never change.


I can see where everyone would get that impression, but no, I firmly know this is not all about me. I know his history and family background so I know for sure there are issues he needs to address. I have asked him many times to go and talk to someone and his constant reply is that he doesn't think he needs to talk to anyone, that he thinks all he needs is peace and for me to leave him alone. I just feel that the OW doesn't know everything and that she really doesn't know what she is in the middle of. I believe he needs to spend some time on his own without outside influences,and I have said that to him , but his reply to that is that I just want to get him away from her.. and that is not true either, I just see all the pain this is causing, and he needs to get some answers for himself. our life together is over.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

I met my H when we were 18, we fell hard for each other and we began this incredible journey together. from the very start I knew there were issues in his life that he struggled with. I accepted those issues and did the best I could. I was a good wife, not perfect, but I was always there, I never cheated on him, I stood by him no matter what but always in private gave him my honest opinion and told him when I thought he was wrong. I encouraged him in all his endeavors, believed in him when no one else did. I always stood back and let him shine, doing all that made my heart happy. to everyone around us we were the perfect couple. we complimented each other in so many ways, we balanced each other out. then one day he just decided to take a path unbeknownst to me, then 2 years ago he decided he couldn't take it anymore, and he left. since then this man that everyone thought they knew has surrounded himself with people who are ok with watching him destroy himself, and his family. He has surrounded himself with people who see the pain and harm he is causing and doing to me and to our daughter and yet they say nothing, not one word . they simply act as if things are normal , they embrace this w%#@# he is shacking up with. This W%#@# who is going to a fertility clinic with a married man ( MY HUSBAND) Yes he is to blame.. BUT SHE KNOWS HE IS MARRIED AND THINKS IT IS OK TO HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.. she is one very messed up woman. she is a parasite. a whack job. and at this point I give her 50% of the blame for what is happening. What hold does she have on him? I ask that to myself all the time. she's not ugly but she isn't a woman that would stop traffic, you would not do a double take. he says she doesn't yell at him.. really?!?! well that is one amazing woman then.. but if that's all it takes to make him happy, then why is he telling me he has left her twice over the last few months? who knows, I'm rambling today, just getting things off my chest.. my thoughts on what hold she has on him.. well, she either has the tightest va jay jay in the continental United states, or she can suck start a V8. that's my story and I'm sticking to it.. LOL I actually feel better..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Glad the vent helped you feel better! Always always keep in mind... he WILL cheat on her too. She is just the current flavor of the month. He is just a fvcked up individual, and it doesnt matter who he is with... he will always need validation and ego strokes from outside of whatever relationship he is in.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lady the only person who is keeping you in limbo hell at this time. Is you.

Your husband is a serial cheater and you only know the tip of the iceberg.

You really need to wake up to reality.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

The problem is not the OW. She may or may not be great in the sack, but she is a novelty for sure. The sex is exciting and new, but that will wear off. It did with the OW he was with and clued you in that your husband had been unfaithful for seversl years. 

Your husband is the problem, the other women are disposable. This one is clever though. She wants a piece of your husband's monetary pie. A kid will get her that. She doesn't need to marry him to have a kid of his and milk your husband for child support for at least 18 years!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Leftalone said:


> Just before I went in to talk to the brokerage firm I changed my cell phone number and blocked him from all my emails. so he has all our accounts set up for him to be notified about anything to do with them. so by the end of the day he had been notified that I was in our accounts and he was served. he has not called our house phone in over a year so what does he do when he realizes I'm blocking him? he calls our house, I wasn't paying attention and answered the phone so I ended up having a conversation with him. basically what he said was. 1) doesn't want a divorce 2) he wants peace & long term separation 3) he doesn't want to be questioned about what he spends money on 4) he said I need to put down my fists and stop arguing with him, stop yelling at him and stop calling him names 5) he wants me to get busy and not think about the situation and just let things calm down 6) he has left her twice so things are not great .. I'm just letting you guys know what he is saying..


1.) "Too bad. You reap what you sew."
2.) "I concur. Full speed ahead." 
3.) "Sure. When you use your own money, not ours." 
4.) "You're not the boss of me." 
5.) "You're not the boss of me." 
6.) "I'm sorry you feel that way."

*click*

Don't be anyone's Plan B.


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## Leftalone (Aug 27, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Lady the only person who is keeping you in limbo hell at this time. Is you.
> 
> Your husband is a serial cheater and you only know the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Leftalone said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> > Lady the only person who is keeping you in limbo hell at this time. Is you.
> ...


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Yes it must truly be one of the hardest things in the world - letting go of somebody you loved so immensely and shared a life with. However, you must also tell yourself that your husband is no longer that person. Perhaps he never was. You selflessly devoted yourself to an illusion of a good man who has shown his true colours. While you may always love and care for him, a wise person once told me, "if you love them you would let them go." His actions indicate that he no longer is interested in being a devoted husband. This is the time to put yourself first and give him what he deserves and is asking for, let him go...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Leftalone said:


> This W%#@# who is going to a fertility clinic with a married man ( MY HUSBAND) Yes he is to blame.. BUT SHE KNOWS HE IS MARRIED AND THINKS IT IS OK TO HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.. she is one very messed up woman. she is a parasite. a whack job.


But you are fighting for a man who has had an unknown number of affairs, was living a double life, packed up and moved out, moved in with another women and is living a home life with her and is beating off in a cup in a fertility clinic to father her children, all while telling you 'it's complicated'........

......and yet you are FIGHTING TO KEEP HIM???????

How "messed up" is that?????? I'm not sure you have room to be calling her a whack job and pointing fingers here. 

I still have faith in you here though and I still think one day you will wake up and the fog will clear and you will see how much better off you will be to move on with your own life and live your own life for you without their craziness being in your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leftalone said:


> Yes he is to blame.. BUT SHE KNOWS HE IS MARRIED AND THINKS IT IS OK TO HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.. she is one very messed up woman. she is a parasite. a whack job.


No, she's just a desperate woman with low self esteem who thinks she needs a man to be complete. And she'll take one any way she can get him.

Just like you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Leftalone 

Normally I advise people to listen to that little voice inside them and follow their gut instincts. 

There is one area however where that little voice and that gut instinct are dead-wrong and you must do everything you can to shut it down. 

There is some kind of deep instinct in all of us that makes us feel like we only have one true love and only one shot at love and one chance to be connected to someone and if that one shot falls through the floor that we are simply screwed and that will never find love again and that will spend the rest of our days alone and lonely and will die in some Skid Row motel room with neon lights flashing through the window and our carcass gets eaten on the floor by our cats. 

This is one instinct and one little voice that is just simply dead-wrong. 

We all have chances for love and connection and purpose every single day of our lives until we are dead. I attended my grandmother's second wedding when she was in her 70s a few years after my grandfather died. 

Our capacity to find and experience and appreciate love never ends. 

That doesn't mean that if one relationship ends on Monday that you will be happily married and making another home and family by that weekend. 

But it does mean that we never have an expiration date on when we can find and experience love again. Every day is a brand new day. 

I think this voice and instinct is very strong in you. I think you are believing that this is your one chance at love and togetherness and that if this doesn't work out that you will be empty and alone and lifeless. 

This is a lie. This is a nontruth. It is the one time your gut and your little voice are leading you astray. 

I am sorry but your husband is gone and is making another life with another woman (Literally). Your chance at a full life of meaning and happiness is not chasing this windmill. It is in pursuing your own interests and making your own life for yourself without him and his insanity and nuttiness in it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leftalone said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> > Lady the only person who is keeping you in limbo hell at this time. Is you.
> ...


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