# Need advice, sexual desire turned off....



## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Hello everyone, unfortunately my first post is not a good one but hopefully it allows to be productive.

My Wife and I are in our mid 20's and we have not had any type of sex or intimate touching in over 16 months. She had an affair, we went to MC, individual counseling and everything seemed to be great. We started to get closer again as a couple and feel like a husband and wife because as a lot of you know things like that can put a devastating rift between the both of you.

For the last 13 months she had rejected my sexual advances and refused to do anything besides sex because and I quote she stated: "Why should I do that when I don't get anything out of it?" Well besides a handjob while she was on her period which was extremely unpleasant. She was rolling her eyes the whole time and making loud sighing sounds and just was extremely annoyed and upset by it.

We started talking more and I told her what I wanted and she told me that she didn't like not having sex or being intimate and that she is self conscious of her body. She's 5'4" and 130lbs and looks beautiful. After 13 months she started to want to have sex and be intimate but by this time I had learned to turn my sexual desire off and cannot seem to turn it back on. I masturbate a few times per week but just cannot seem to sexually desire her anymore after being rejected so many times. It's been 4 months and we keep having talks about making time to have sex but it just never happens. I feel terrible that I don't desire her and just want to have that desire again but don't know if I can.

We've went to sex therapy and the therapist said to make time to be intimate. Even on weekends we don't, we will go out to dinner, have a good time, and we both love each other very much. We both feel the only thing missing is the intimacy from the relationship. The part that is the worst about it when I do get aroused I try to hide it so she won't try and take that as me being in the mood. I just don't know what to do, guys will know what I mean about random errections.

Thank you all in advance for your help and reading this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She rejected you for 13 months of course you will lose any desire you had for her.
I'm sorry it sounds like she is not into you sexually and you have rightly so major resentments.
It may be time for you to find someone who is into you and end this marriage.
Did you expose her affair or did you just rugsweep it?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Do you happen to be the husband of the woman?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/157137-husband-i-havent-had-sex-10-months-need-advice.html

Probably just a coincidence. 

"For the last 13 months she had rejected my sexual advances and refused to do anything besides sex because and I quote she stated: "Why should I do that when I don't get anything out of it?" "

So I am not sure I understand. You're main problem is that she does not like giving you BJs and HJs?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

We started talking more and I told her what I wanted and she told me that she didn't like not having sex or being intimate and that she is self conscious of her body. She's 5'4" and 130lbs and looks beautiful

She said the above right?
So if she doesn't like sex why did she have an affair.
Are you certain it stopped she may be getting her needs met elsewhere.
I'm just saying you may be in a false r.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> You do happen to be the husband of the woman?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/157137-husband-i-havent-had-sex-10-months-need-advice.html
> 
> ...


Nope, that's not her but it sure looked like it from reading the initial post. The timeline doesn't add up and my wife has changed jobs as my request.

We have done everything we can with MC, and therapy so there was absolutely NO rug sweeping at all. She claims she desires me but she still is hesitant to make an advance and tells me she feels undesired since I will not advance her for sex.

Keep in mind everything else is great, we get alone perfectly, love each other dearly, and love spending time together. Just the sex is ZERO.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

tom67 said:


> We started talking more and I told her what I wanted and she told me that she didn't like not having sex or being intimate and that she is self conscious of her body. She's 5'4" and 130lbs and looks beautiful
> 
> She said the above right?
> So if she doesn't like sex why did she have an affair.
> ...


Correct she said that she also doesn't like not being intimate, I'm positive it stopped. I had a keylogger on her PC, did the voice recorder in the car, and knows where she is all of the time.

That's not my Wife that posted, timeframe is off, and my wife changed her job since it was a demand of mine.

Everything is great except the sex. We get along great, we love each other dearly, we truly enjoy time together and spending time together. She says that she feels undesired since I never initiate her for sex which is why she doesn't initiate. This makes no sense, if she was in the mood she would initiate I would think. Then again, I stopped initiating even when I was in the mood due to fear of rejection. I have rejected her several times when she tried to initiate.

My main issue is that I simply can't seem to turn my desire for my Wife back on, I have no idea what I can do to change this. Does it seem like too much emotional damage was done?

Also Tom there was no rug sweeping.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Again over a year of rejection it may be time to move on.

Between the affair AND the rejection most men would have a problem like yours.
So you have tough decisions I do not envy you.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"She says that she feels undesired since I never initiate her for sex which is why she doesn't initiate. This makes no sense, if she was in the mood she would initiate I would think."

NO, you do not know how women work. Most all need to feel pursued. For Gods sake, quit with the fear of rejection crap. You are a guy and are supposed to have a tougher skin than that. She probably thinks that she married a jelly fish.

Well, don't get me wrong. I can understand that her affair was traumatic for you and it will take you time to recover. But you are the guy here.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The work has to be done on both sides. She has to make you feel desired and you have to make sure she feels wanted. You both feel like you are stuck so who makes the firs move.

The issue can also be the home. This is where you fought about her A and you found out in the home. Tell your wife that you are both going away for the weekend, find a hotel. and ask her to go shopping for something that makes her feel sexy. Make it clear that you are going to the hotel to relax and have sex. Kick the door down and see what happens


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I feel terrible that I don't desire her and just want to have that desire again but don't know if I can.


How long ago was the affair and how long did it last? 

Because I don't think you are actually over it. Your actions indicate that you have have not forgiven her. Her actions hint that she may in fact not be all the remorseful.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You have a major issue trusting her with your emotions and that's at the center of this. If she betrayed you and then FURTHER rejected you sexually, that's a pretty major blow to your ego. You don't want to risk being hurt again, so you've turned off.

Bottom line, you need to get the emotional courage to let yourself be turned on again, or leave the marriage. You are too young to live like this.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I still do not understand this sentence:

"For the last 13 months she had rejected my sexual advances and *refused to do anything besides sex* because and I quote she stated: "Why should I do that when I don't get anything out of it?""

It seems to me that she has not been withholding sex but only HJs and BJs because she really does not get anything out of those?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The only thing missing from your relationship is a wife who is not horrible.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Consistent rejection or deprioritization can result in a sex drive being lowered or even shut down completely.

If she wants to help you through this, she has to regain your trust and also show you that you are desired.

I would say the "30 day sex expiriment" would be a good way to "get back into the saddle". See if she will allow the "30 day sex expirament" with a stipulation that she cannot reject any of your advances for those 30 days for at least one sex session a day.

Also she can focus on your pleasure, so that she re introduces you as someone she desires.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I still do not understand this sentence:
> 
> "For the last 13 months she had rejected my sexual advances and *refused to do anything besides sex* because and I quote she stated: "Why should I do that when I don't get anything out of it?""
> 
> It seems to me that she has not been withholding sex but only HJs and BJs because she really does not get anything out of those?


No, there was absolutely ZERO sex, intimacy or anything.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> No, there was absolutely ZERO sex, intimacy or anything.


You didn't even get light hugs or "peck" kisses?

You sure she wasn't having an affair?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Consistent rejection or deprioritization can result in a sex drive being lowered or even shut down completely.
> 
> If she wants to help you through this, she has to regain your trust and also show you that you are desired.
> 
> ...


Awesome, I'll look into that thank you very much!

She still isn't into the idea of oral or handjobs unless it's leading up to sex. Basically there are NO freebies and only were when we were dating.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

""Why should I do that when I don't get anything out of it?""

So what does she mean?

She is refusing sex with you because she does not orgasm or does not enjoy sex?

What was sex like before her affair? 
Was it pretty normal?

If she does not enjoy sex than why is she all the sudden saying: 
"she told me that she didn't like not having sex or being intimate"

These two sentences conflict with each other.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> You didn't even get light hugs or "peck" kisses?
> 
> You sure she wasn't having an affair?


Well, hugs kisses and things like that but nothing to do with sex or intimacy at all.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> ""Why should I do that when I don't get anything out of it?""
> 
> So what does she mean?
> 
> ...


Sorry I'll clarify, lots of information getting mixed up .

She was refusing sex before because she was always saying she's either to tired, or just not in the mood. No matter what I tried I couldn't get her in the mood (This is during the initial 13 months when I was chasing after her for sex). If I backed off and initiated only once per week during this time she would get upset and say I always wanted sex and to let things happen naturally.

Sex was great before the affair and was on a regular basis of 2-3 times per week.

After we went to marriage counseling we both decided we were going to start initiating with each other. that never happened, there have been a few times where I would initiate but she would be tired. there would be a few times where she would initiate but I just wasn't in the mood (this was when I believe my drive was shutting down due to the rejections before).

Now I am never in the mood to have sex with her, she has initiated but I have turned down her advances due to just not wanting to have sex. I don't try to advance on her and I don't have any sexual thoughts about her anymore.

She always had an orgasm before the affair when we had sex. She's just never been into giving oral or handjobs because it's unfair to her since she doesn't get any pleasure out of it.

Also she claimed this was just an EA and nothing about it was physical. She continued to keep this going twice AFTER I told her to stop. She finally stopped and it was verified by VAR in the car, pen VAR in the purse, and keylogging.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Well, hugs kisses and things like that but nothing to do with sex or intimacy at all.


That's a good sign, because it could've been much worse.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Sorry I'll clarify, lots of information getting mixed up .
> 
> She was refusing sex before because she was always saying she's either to tired, or just not in the mood. No matter what I tried I couldn't get her in the mood (This is during the initial 13 months when I was chasing after her for sex). If I backed off and initiated only once per week during this time she would get upset and say I always wanted sex and to let things happen naturally.
> 
> ...


Your VAR's verified a physical conjugation?

How much record time can the pen var get without repowering? What about the under the bed?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Your VAR's verified a physical conjugation?
> 
> How much record time can the pen var get without repowering? What about the under the bed?


The pen VAR I got gets about 8 hours and is voice activated. The one I had in her car was also voice activated and got about 12 hours.

I never put one under the bed though. Then again, I'm always home when she is.

It verified that she was having an EA but not a physical affair.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> The pen VAR I got gets about 8 hours and is voice activated. The one I had in her car was also voice activated and got about 12 hours.
> 
> I never put one under the bed though. Then again, I'm always home when she is.
> 
> It verified that she was having an EA but not a physical affair.


Thanks.

I hope your life exceeds your expectations, and loved ones take good care of you and give you reasons to increase your trust.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Sorry I'll clarify, lots of information getting mixed up .
> 
> She was refusing sex before because she was always saying she's either to tired, or just not in the mood. No matter what I tried I couldn't get her in the mood (This is during the initial 13 months when I was chasing after her for sex). If I backed off and initiated only once per week during this time she would get upset and say I always wanted sex and to let things happen naturally.
> 
> ...


Hate to say it, but just get out of that relationship. Assume you do not have kids. It isn't going to get any better. You're having some serious emotions attached to it. 14 straight months of rejection is hard for any man to take, particularly in your 20s. 

There is a better life you out there man.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

seeking sanity said:


> Hate to say it, but just get out of that relationship. Assume you do not have kids. It isn't going to get any better. You're having some serious emotions attached to it. 14 straight months of rejection is hard for any man to take, particularly in your 20s.
> 
> There is a better life you out there man.


I know I'm going to get crap for this but the thing is I love her and am almost willing to put up with how I've shut down because I love her. I honestly don't want to leave her. I mean the way I figure is at this point, I don't miss sex and use my hand anyway so why start up again.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I know I'm going to get crap for this but the thing is I love her and am almost willing to put up with how I've shut down because I love her. I honestly don't want to leave her. I mean the way I figure is at this point, I don't miss sex and use my hand anyway so why start up again.


Thats a BS viewpoint, and represents giving up on yourself.

Your comfortable in the position, because you don't want to move out of it. Get a good situation for yourself, and you will never tolerate this position ever again.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I know I'm going to get crap for this but the thing is I love her and am almost willing to put up with how I've shut down because I love her. I honestly don't want to leave her. I mean the way I figure is at this point, I don't miss sex and use my hand anyway so why start up again.


For one thing, you are punishing your wife, which is not loving, because you are denying her sex. I think if you are honest with yourself, it feels good to you to make experience some of the pain she put on you.

For another, I guarantee if you follow this path you are going to hit your 40s and think, I've completed wasted a big chunk of my life.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Thats a BS viewpoint, and represents giving up on yourself.
> 
> Your comfortable in the position, because you don't want to move out of it. Get a good situation for yourself, and you will never tolerate this position ever again.





seeking sanity said:


> For one thing, you are punishing your wife, which is not loving, because you are denying her sex. I think if you are honest with yourself, it feels good to you to make experience some of the pain she put on you.
> 
> For another, I guarantee if you follow this path you are going to hit your 40s and think, I've completed wasted a big chunk of my life.


Thank you for the truth and telling me like it is. I've spoken about splitting up before and she started balling saying she didn't want to lose me. I just HATE it when the waterworks start, that's when I get weak. I have found myself wishing I could catch her cheating again so I would have no problem pushing her out the door.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Thank you for the truth and telling me like it is. I've spoken about splitting up before and she started balling saying she didn't want to lose me. I just HATE it when the waterworks start, that's when I get weak. I have found myself wishing I could catch her cheating again so I would have no problem pushing her out the door.


Good answer. Now you are starting to be truthful. It seems the issue is really that you don't want to hurt her by ending things and you don't want to deal with her emotions, so you're withholding sex in the hopes she'll dump you. Is that right?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

seeking sanity said:


> Good answer. Now you are starting to be truthful. It seems the issue is really that you don't want to hurt her by ending things and you don't want to deal with her emotions, so you're withholding sex in the hopes she'll dump you. Is that right?


I think that's part of it but I know that another part of it is that I really do love her and to be honest, I am happy with her. Honestly, I don't see a need for sex, yes it's to the point where my views on intimacy are that skewed. I've told her that I don't want to start having sex, only to have her withhold it again as well. She says that it's just something we'll have to work on.....


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Remaining in the marriage with no sex is not a marriage at all. Sexual intimacy is one of the strongest foundations a married couple can have. Relating to each other sexually is what sets your marriage apart from all other relationships in your life. Having said that, it is up to the two of you to determine the frequency and acts that are mutually satisfying. Deep kissing and back rubs are an example of sexual interaction without actual intercourse. Only the two of you can determine what satisfies you. Even loving couples who have illness, paralysis, or other health issues find plenty of ways to be sexually intimate and meet eachothers needs for that connection. 

If you continue to withhold sex from your wife, I can guarantee its only a matter of time before she's out shopping for another EA, or perhaps even a PA this time. Marriage is not about being roommates. It's about being intimate which includes, but is not limited to, sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

So what would her ideal sex life be? 

You where having good sex 2-3 times a week and she had an affair. 

Now she says she wants sex but turns you down whenever you try and says that it should occur naturally. 

Where you the primary sex instigator before the affair or was she?

What would be her reason for saying she wants sex and then turning it down?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> So what would her ideal sex life be?
> 
> You where having good sex 2-3 times a week and she had an affair.
> 
> ...


Whenever I ask her how often she would like to have sex she gets irritated and says she doesn't know. She's not very open about stuff like this and typically gets defensive, I'm not sure why but she always has.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I would assume because she thinks that you might not like to hear the truth?

So what was her reason for the affair? Not that one is ever justifiable but everyone always has their excuses.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> For one thing, you are punishing your wife, which is not loving, because you are denying her sex. I think if you are honest with yourself, it feels good to you to make experience some of the pain she put on you.
> 
> For another, I guarantee if you follow this path you are going to hit your 40s and think, I've completed wasted a big chunk of my life.


I agree he is punishing her. I also think she misses the power she had in rejecting him. As this all has occurred since the affair, I think it is safe to say that neither has dealt with it. If he can't (and there is no shame in reaching that conclusion), he needs to leave.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I would assume because she thinks that you might not like to hear the truth?
> 
> So what was her reason for the affair? Not that one is ever justifiable but everyone always has their excuses.


Her excuse was I didn't give her enough attention.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Her excuse was I didn't give her enough attention.


How do you feel about this? If her perception was you did not give her enough attention, and you know you bent over backwards giving her way more attention than she needed... Then you have a problem.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> How do you feel about this? If her perception was you did not give her enough attention, and you know you bent over backwards giving her way more attention than she needed... Then you have a problem.


I feel that in that point in time I could have given her more attention. Now though, she gets PLENTY of attention, back rubs, foot rubs, etc. We also make a point to go out at least twice per week.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I agree he is punishing her. I also think she misses the power she had in rejecting him. As this all has occurred since the affair, I think it is safe to say that neither has dealt with it. If he can't (and there is no shame in reaching that conclusion), he needs to leave.


Is it possible that I am punishing her on a subconscious level?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I feel that in that point in time I could have given her more attention. Now though, she gets PLENTY of attention, back rubs, foot rubs, etc. We also make a point to go out at least twice per week.


Do that, but pull away and be busy on your own stuff outside of her space a couple of times a week. You need that differential so they can feel they miss you. We all learned you can't be super beta and win this contest, need a good dose of Alpha.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Is it possible that I am punishing her on a subconscious level?


Likely. I tend to think that you still have issues with her. 

You note that she has rejected you repeatedly, but is upset that you don't initiate. She indicates no willingness to do something just for you, but rather needs to get something out it herself (making you happy is not enough). She says she wants you but does not generally try to initiate herself. 

That does not sound like she is really broken up about her affair and how she hurt you. Rather, she has actively continued to hurt you and only after you took that power away has she come back to seek intimacy.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"Her excuse was I didn't give her enough attention."

This is a very confusing woman.
Had good sex 2-3 times a week but that was not enough attention and now does not want sex but wants sex. 

So is she saying that she wants you to continually confirm her worth but not with sex?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your sexual attraction to your wife is a true indicator of how you feel about her and your marriage to her.

Your words ring hollow.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Likely. I tend to think that you still have issues with her.
> 
> You note that she has rejected you repeatedly, but is upset that you don't initiate. She indicates no willingness to do something just for you, but rather needs to get something out it herself (making you happy is not enough). She says she wants you but does not generally try to initiate herself.
> 
> That does not sound like she is really broken up about her affair and how she hurt you. Rather, she has actively continued to hurt you and only after you took that power away has she come back to seek intimacy.


Initiating sex means allowing yourself to be vulnerable to rejection. You accept that vulnerability when you trust your partner. You will not trust your partner if there still are resentments (the EA, the withholding etc.) to work through. There is no magic here .. get back to MC, I recommend EFT such as "Hold Me Tight".


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> "Her excuse was I didn't give her enough attention."
> 
> This is a very confusing woman.
> Had good sex 2-3 times a week but that was not enough attention and now does not want sex but wants sex.
> ...


That's the thing, she gives me mixed messages and she's extremely insecure about herself physically and emotionally.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

helpthisguy86 said:


> That's the thing, she gives me mixed messages and she's extremely insecure about herself physically and emotionally.


I don't know how long I could be on that roller coaster.:scratchhead:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

helpthisguy86 said:


> That's the thing, she gives me mixed messages and she's extremely insecure about herself physically and emotionally.


As are you. I know I keep harping on this, but the affair is still hurting your relationship. You are not even close to healing. Her behaviors do not indicate that she feels bad about what she did. 

So let's approach this in a different way. In view of your current position on sex, what is so great about being her gay roommate (because without sex, that is what you two currently are)?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> As are you. I know I keep harping on this, but the affair is still hurting your relationship. You are not even close to healing. Her behaviors do not indicate that she feels bad about what she did.
> 
> So let's approach this in a different way. In view of your current position on sex, what is so great about being her gay roommate (because without sex, that is what you two currently are)?


Yes, this is the image the interaction supports.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> As are you. I know I keep harping on this, but the affair is still hurting your relationship. You are not even close to healing. Her behaviors do not indicate that she feels bad about what she did.
> 
> So let's approach this in a different way. In view of your current position on sex, what is so great about being her gay roommate (because without sex, that is what you two currently are)?


Help if you can't get over it you can't get over it. We are trying to get you to look at this for what it is.
She not only had an affair but then rejected you for over a year.
What is there left?
You could do so much better imo.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Help if you can't get over it you can't get over it. We are trying to get you to look at this for what it is.
> She not only had an affair but then rejected you for over a year.
> What is there left?
> You could do so much better imo.


There is a huge mental deficit to overcome.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"I think that's part of it but I know that another part of it is that I really do love her and to be honest, I am happy with her. Honestly, I don't see a need for sex"

While I agree that is lack of interest in her is very likely due to unhealed resentment. I also have to take his word for the above statement.

I just would not know how to deal with a woman who says she wants sex but then always turns down every offer. 

I suppose (assuming that you can get past the affair) you could try one a month maybe that is what she needs and then just a lot of attention the rest of the time.

That is nothing that I would find acceptable but you two need to find what works for the both of you.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

I had a nice long talk with her last night and she didn't like it. She ended up leaving and going to stay with a friend for a while. Honestly, I like the thought of her not being there. It shouldn't be that way but that's how I feel, I'm going to see a divorce attorney later today and get some info.

I honestly have had nothing but trouble with women, money grubbers, cheaters, and liars. I don't think there is a decent woman out there that won't take advantage of me somehow so I'm going to fly solo for a loooooooong time. I think it's a better idea to invest in myself and my career since I'm in my prime and my 30's will be great not having to worry about a women.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I honestly have had nothing but trouble with women, money grubbers, cheaters, and liars. I don't think there is a decent woman out there that won't take advantage of me somehow so I'm going to fly solo for a loooooooong time.


That sounds like a good idea. Since the common factor in all of the above is you, consider looking into what you are doing (or not doing) when you chose these women. Something may be off that you need to fix.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> That sounds like a good idea. Since the common factor in all of the above is you, consider looking into what you are doing (or not doing) when you chose these women. Something may be off that you need to fix.


With the chance of sounding gay here. I honestly think I could live a happier life with myself and my dog with no woman ever again. The time and energy that goes into a relationship is just not worth the investment to me when I can better spend it elsewhere....

I mean it's not like I crave sex anymore so that problem is out the window, lol.

Am I wrong? That's how I feel.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> With the chance of sounding gay here. I honestly think I could live a happier life with myself and my dog with no woman ever again. The time and energy that goes into a relationship is just not worth the investment to me when I can better spend it elsewhere....
> 
> I mean it's not like I crave sex anymore so that problem is out the window, lol.
> 
> Am I wrong? That's how I feel.


Yeah it means you are messed up. I"m sure you could be happy with a dog and no woman. But that your sex drive has been stripped, means that you are missing out on potential quality of life.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> That sounds like a good idea. Since the common factor in all of the above is you, consider looking into what you are doing (or not doing) when you chose these women. Something may be off that you need to fix.


I was saying the same thing and after the fact didn't realize it was my ENVIRONMENT. The environment I was immersed in had an abundance of these types of characters. Instead of realizing this and working myself into a better environment, I too was starting to blame all women.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Yeah it means you are messed up. I"m sure you could be happy with a dog and no woman. But that your sex drive has been stripped, means that you are missing out on potential quality of life.


I know this sounds stupid to the rest of you but since I have no sex drive, what's the point in trying to get it back? I'll be single and won't have the sex drive so I won't want to waste that time looking for a relationship. I mean, there's so much more to life than sex in an relationship isn't there?

How would I even go about trying to get my drive back? Honestly, I can see attractive looking women but I'm not sexually attracted to them anymore. It's messed up....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I know this sounds stupid to the rest of you but since I have no sex drive, what's the point in trying to get it back? I'll be single and won't have the sex drive so I won't want to waste that time looking for a relationship. I mean, there's so much more to life than sex in an relationship isn't there?
> 
> How would I even go about trying to get my drive back? Honestly, I can see attractive looking women but I'm not sexually attracted to them anymore. It's messed up....


Get some ic one that has experience in PTSD.
Take time for yourself but you are way too young for this.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Get some ic one that has experience in PTSD.
> Take time for yourself but you are way too young for this.


Thanks Tom, what is PTSD?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Thanks Tom, what is PTSD?


Post traumatic stress disorder.
Between the shock of the affair plus the rejection I think you may have this on some level.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I know this sounds stupid to the rest of you but since I have no sex drive, what's the point in trying to get it back?


You must remember what it was like when you had a sex drive, right? It doesn't have to all happen together -- determine if you want to remain with your wife or not. If not, go solo for a while. Then I suspect you will notice a woman at work, at a restaurant, at the gym. . . things happen from there.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Post traumatic stress disorder.
> Between the shock of the affair plus the rejection I think you may have this on some level.


Thank you Tom, I'll look into that.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

1812overture said:


> You must remember what it was like when you had a sex drive, right? It doesn't have to all happen together -- determine if you want to remain with your wife or not. If not, go solo for a while. Then I suspect you will notice a woman at work, at a restaurant, at the gym. . . things happen from there.


Honestly, it's been so long I've forgotten what sex even feels like. I know it felt good but that's about it. I dunno, I think I'm going to see an IC like Tom stated and go from there. Right now though, I just don't see the point with getting my drive back.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> How would I even go about trying to get my drive back? Honestly, I can see attractive looking women but I'm not sexually attracted to them anymore. It's messed up....


All I could guess is that you probably never did have a strong sex drive? Nothing at all wrong with that, we all come in different flavors.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> All I could guess is that you probably never did have a strong sex drive? Nothing at all wrong with that, we all come in different flavors.


Oh I used to have a very high drive. Back when we were dating and with past relationships 4-6 times per week was not out of the norm.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Oh I used to have a very high drive. Back when we were dating and with past relationships 4-6 times per week was not out of the norm.


Your confidence has been lowered...

Why masturbation lowers your self esteem and causes depression | 2KnowMySelf


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Honestly, it's been so long I've forgotten what sex even feels like. I know it felt good but that's about it. I dunno, I think I'm going to see an IC like Tom stated and go from there. Right now though, I just don't see the point with getting my drive back.


Its your choice, but that sure seems like an extreme coping mechanism to me. You could live your life without a sense of taste as well, but it would be a lesser experience. So go to IC and see what is going on and why you end up picking women like this.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I suppose not wanting sex then is a defensive action. 

If you are not engaging her in full sexual relationship than she can't have an affair and hurt you. You need a good doctor to help you through this. Or just leave because doing nothing will probably destroy the marriage anyway.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Sorry for not updating for a while. Been really busy with work lately!

I filed for D and she moved out with her parents. I've also went to a couple of individual counseling sessions so far and feel a lot better already!

I don't see the desire of sex coming back which is fine but just the thought of not having the pressure of sex in my life makes me feel 100% better. I have a clear focus and just want to get this D over with so I can put it all behind me.

I can't wait to see how much more productive I can be without the concern of sex!

Thank you all for your advice so far!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Sorry for not updating for a while. Been really busy with work lately!
> 
> I filed for D and she moved out with her parents. I've also went to a couple of individual counseling sessions so far and feel a lot better already!
> 
> ...


It's rediculous. There is no pressure in having sex. Your sex drive has been shut off for you by your spouses actions. Your life is severly limited in depth without it. It really is a giving up in saying you don't want it again.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> It's rediculous. There is no pressure in having sex. Your sex drive has been shut off for you by your spouses actions. Your life is severly limited in depth without it. It really is a giving up in saying you don't want it again.


I think I worded that wrong, sorry. I meant the stress of wanting sex and not getting it, I just don't have that risk anymore since I have no desire. I'm going to keep going to counseling and see what happens but I don't feel the need to really try and turn it back on so to speak.

My counselor said he believes that the main issue for the complete shut down of my sex drive is due to me wanting to protect myself from being hurt. Basically I have shut that drive off so I don't have desire and won't put myself out there to advance and be rejected, thus causing pain again. He also went on to say that I may not realize it but I most likely have a severe trust issue with women since there was an affair on her side and he said that I'm still hurting from it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I think I worded that wrong, sorry. I meant the stress of wanting sex and not getting it, I just don't have that risk anymore since I have no desire. I'm going to keep going to counseling and see what happens but I don't feel the need to really try and turn it back on so to speak.
> 
> My counselor said he believes that the main issue for the complete shut down of my sex drive is due to me wanting to protect myself from being hurt. Basically I have shut that drive off so I don't have desire and won't put myself out there to advance and be rejected, thus causing pain again. He also went on to say that I may not realize it but I most likely have a severe trust issue with women since there was an affair on her side and he said that I'm still hurting from it.


I learned the hard way when the sex drive shuts down it drags down other parts of you as well. So you won't be operating at peak efficiency as a man.

If I was giving advice to myself, I'd say either cure the sexless relationship or get a FWB that you trust and like.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> I learned the hard way when the sex drive shuts down it drags down other parts of you as well. So you won't be operating at peak efficiency as a man.
> 
> If I was giving advice to myself, I'd say either cure the sexless relationship or get a FWB that you trust and like.


My question is though, why would I need a FWB if I don't have the desire for sexual activity? I can just use my hand if I have the desire for a release. Plus I don't have to worry about all the issues that a woman brings to the table or stress of building a relationship and worrying about if they will cheat.

I've even told my counselor that it just seems like too much risk as I've experienced and too much stress for the reward of sex.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> My question is though, why would I need a FWB if I don't have the desire for sexual activity? I can just use my hand if I have the desire for a release. Plus I don't have to worry about all the issues that a woman brings to the table or stress of building a relationship and worrying about if they will cheat.
> 
> I've even told my counselor that it just seems like too much risk as I've experienced and too much stress for the reward of sex.


Cause it's better for you than masterbating, masterbating can also get you caught in a cycle where you allow your social skills to completely falter with respect to the opposite sex.

It's up to you. There were dozens of benefitial reasons for a man to have sex and a woman too.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Cause it's better for you than masterbating, masterbating can also get you caught in a cycle where you allow your social skills to completely falter with respect to the opposite sex.
> 
> It's up to you. There were dozens of benefitial reasons for a man to have sex and a woman too.


What do you mean it can let your social skills falter with the opposite sex? Do you mean make you uncomfortable around women? I'm not uncomfortable but might already have this issue since I've had women hit on me while out with friends and shown them zero interest. Not just because I was married, but I just seriously wanted nothing to do with women at all. I mean as friends yes but honestly sex just makes me feel uncomfortable now.

Again, I thank you for all of your help and advice. I'll continue to go to counseling and see what happens. I'm not to worries at the moment. I workout, and feel confident in my self image, I'm happy with work, where I am with life etc.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> My question is though, why would I need a FWB if I don't have the desire for sexual activity? I can just use my hand if I have the desire for a release. Plus I don't have to worry about all the issues that a woman brings to the table or stress of building a relationship and worrying about if they will cheat.
> 
> I've even told my counselor that it just seems like too much risk as I've experienced and too much stress for the reward of sex.


Son, let me give you some advice (sounds cheesy I know  )

You remind me of a younger version of myself. I went for long periods of time being single, and there were times when I thought that dating/sex were just too much trouble. I had my substitutes, so women... who needs em?

A lot of things changed in order to change my mind. I got older, got to know myself and my true interests, and like myself better (and become a more interesting and self-accepting person if I do say so myself)... I moved to a different part of the country, and changed careers. I now regularly run into women who are interesting (to me), smart, and hot (whereas before, I was in tech, in the dark time pre-internet where meetups and such were harder to organize...months would go by where I wouldn't meet anyone interesting and eligible... who wants to try to date in a place like that?). (in other words, if all the women you are meeting are boring cheaters, you need to move to where the better women are).

Things seem so much easier and better now. I'm happily married, but if I were single, my dating life wouldn't end I can assure you.

In my experience, dating and sex are worth the trouble, because when they're good, they're very good. Good sex with a partner wipes the floor (no pun intended) with the best porn video on the planet.

I think you need to take a break for now, but I hope in time you come to realize that what I've written here is true, and you'll feel a hunger to get out there again... not because you feel you have to "prove yourself", but because you want to spend time around a fun, special someone and give and receive pleasure. I'm a man who has spent a lot of time alone, and I don't mind it... but there's more to life than being alone. Don't waste too much of your life (like I did) before you learn that.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

MarriedManInHis40s said:


> Son, let me give you some advice (sounds cheesy I know  )
> 
> You remind me of a younger version of myself. I went for long periods of time being single, and there were times when I thought that dating/sex were just too much trouble. I had my substitutes, so women... who needs em?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice . I am in the process of moving since I currently work in Chicago and I live in Michigan. I've already had quite a few women hitting on me when I'm out for lunch, out with friends after work, on the weekends in the city etc. I have found quite a few to be very attractive but just tell myself it's not worth the trouble and send them on their way. My friends even think I'm nuts but I just can't get past how I feel. I just think I should focus on myself and my career during my 30's and if I feel the need in my 40's then get back out there. I want to put myself into a sure thing since I'm in my prime and will be through my 30's. Putting everything I have into myself for that timeframe seems like the smartest thing I can do.

Also, I wouldn't have to worry about finding someone that would be proud of what I accomplish. There's just way to many things you have to get right with the respect, lack of cheating, finding someone that's proud of your achievements, etc.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> What do you mean it can let your social skills falter with the opposite sex? Do you mean make you uncomfortable around women? I'm not uncomfortable but might already have this issue since I've had women hit on me while out with friends and shown them zero interest. Not just because I was married, but I just seriously wanted nothing to do with women at all. I mean as friends yes but honestly sex just makes me feel uncomfortable now.
> 
> Again, I thank you for all of your help and advice. I'll continue to go to counseling and see what happens. I'm not to worries at the moment. I workout, and feel confident in my self image, I'm happy with work, where I am with life etc.


you will kill your desire to consumate with females since you have your hand.

Why masturbation lowers your self esteem and causes depression | 2KnowMySelf

FWB will be nice, especially if it's someone nice and likes being close to you. Will allow you to have esteem with women in general and know you are worthy.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> you will kill your desire to consumate with females since you have your hand.
> 
> Why masturbation lowers your self esteem and causes depression | 2KnowMySelf
> 
> FWB will be nice, especially if it's someone nice and likes being close to you. Will allow you to have esteem with women in general and know you are worthy.


Well I've pretty much already got that down with not having the desire for sex. Like I said before, sure I see a lot of women that are extremely hot and a few of them have hit on me but I just send them on their way.

Maybe in time this will all go away on it's own and I'll be back to normal with desires and such. :scratchhead:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Well I've pretty much already got that down with not having the desire for sex. Like I said before, sure I see a lot of women that are extremely hot and a few of them have hit on me but I just send them on their way.
> 
> Maybe in time this will all go away on it's own and I'll be back to normal with desires and such. :scratchhead:


No. Your wife turned you off and you may stay shut down until another lady rekindles it.

It's not that hard to find a friendly person to just have sex with and spend some time. You don't have to make em your wife.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Thanks for the advice . I am in the process of moving since I currently work in Chicago and I live in Michigan. I've already had quite a few women hitting on me when I'm out for lunch, out with friends after work, on the weekends in the city etc. I have found quite a few to be very attractive but just tell myself it's not worth the trouble and send them on their way. My friends even think I'm nuts but I just can't get past how I feel. I just think I should focus on myself and my career during my 30's and if I feel the need in my 40's then get back out there. I want to put myself into a sure thing since I'm in my prime and will be through my 30's. Putting everything I have into myself for that timeframe seems like the smartest thing I can do.
> 
> Also, I wouldn't have to worry about finding someone that would be proud of what I accomplish. There's just way to many things you have to get right with the respect, lack of cheating, finding someone that's proud of your achievements, etc.


Stay single in your 30s huh? That's pretty much what I did. (It's a long story, and there were various factors, but that's a pretty close description of what I did).

Looking back? Absolutely terrible decision, IMHO. Women who are dating a man in his 40s are going to expect that you've figured out a few things about women and relationships by that point.... the sort of things you can only figure out by dating and being in relationships. Don't wait until you are 40. You are in your prime intellectually, but you are in your prime in other ways too 

I used to think like you did... I turned away women who in retrospect might have been interested, just because I "couldn't be bothered". The epiphany I had one day was that....

The women I meet are people just like I am, with hopes/fears/dreams/desires. They want to make new friends. They'd love to meet a new romantic partner. Some of them would *want* me if they got to know me. They would want *me.* *I* am good enough for them.

When I really believed that, in my heart, then I realized how much I'd been missing out on, and I was ready to date. I did it and I loved it. Don't wait until you are 40 to figure this out. (As you get older and people you know start getting nasty health surprises, you realize you might not have all the time that you think you have). 

Right now, I think you need a bit of time to yourself. But not too much time. Get back out there, soonish. That's my advice, good luck.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OK here I come with a 2x4. Wait a second let me put some nails in the end... 

Married Man. AWESOME advice. A bit too nice but DEAD ON!

#DRILL seargeant voice
1) There is ONE go in life. Quit fvcking it up!

2) I guarandamntee one roll in the hay with an attractive enough female will do some absolutely crazy sh!t in turning that ego of yours around. Read the post at the top of my signature for the effect of vagina juice on a shattered male ego. Vagina juice is fvcking SUPERGLUE for that shattered ego of yours. Dont debate me on this. Ive been here over a year. Ive seen it a dozen damn times. It works as close to EVERY TIME as anything in life. If you are getting hit on LET IF FVCKING HAPPEN!

Oh and a bonus. A vagina you are doing a good job on that gets super aroused and that super slippery wet feeling. Feels 10000000000000 times better than your right hand.

Ill further this. Want to "see" it happen damn near live?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/109002-there-any-point.html

Read this thread. This man wanted to drive into a bridge pillar on August 20 2013. Ill give you a little hint. He is set for a milestone this Friday. Is it guaranteed? Fvck no. But look where he is NOW! Look at his posting style now vs August. He has a woman just a bit interested. Might just be FWB. Im reading HER as a bit scared but damn I am cheering this man on!

I am laying out the fastest most direct route from point A to point B. GET ON IT!

3) The most expensive thing on earth is not Bill Gates House or the US debt. The most expensive thing on earth is regret. Trust me, I wasted many years of my life and that regret weighs HEAVY on me today. CUT IT THE FVCK OUT!!!! DAMMIT!!! I see so much of myself in you you are really scaring me. YOU have a shot.

Want to know how far it went? I will provide odds if you provide the following:

Now, being James Effing Bond over in CWI. Lets lay out what you got.

1) Your red flags were what?
2) How did your wife meet OM?
3) What is the VERIFIED evidence dates and extent of the affair? This answer will look something like this:
First meeting April 1 2013 OM is a supplier and talked to wife.
First inappropriate was he flirted and she ate it up on May 1 2013
First outright EA behavior was May 15 2013 when he sent a pic of his 2" long when fully aroused penis and she sent him a nudie pic.
First red flag was May 17 when she suddenly changed screens when I walked into the room. I ignored it.
Second red flag was May 21 when she was an hour late. A friend said he parked next to her at a park a few miles from home and she was texting someone. I went all 007 on her azz at this point.
On My 25 my keylogger busted her sending a nudie pic.
I have verified (Maybe so maybe no) no contact since I busted her on May 27.

From your posts I gather you did keylog and VAR. Did you follow my instruction set? If not where did you get them?

Where were the VARs? When did they run. When did you stop?
What exactly was your total evidence? This is a list not a picture of your naked wife. Typed generic descriptions are of your evidence are fine.

Your evidence that it was only an EA are:
What kind of EA? Pictures? sexting? Roleplay? I love yous?
Your evidence of a kind of PA are:
How much time did she have to do PAs? GNOs "Helping a friend?" Toxic hens? etc.
Does she know of your spy activities? If so which ones?
What transparency did she provide?

BTW next time use lithium batteries. 25+ hours on those. Hopefully you at least bought Sony's.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> OK here I come with a 2x4. Wait a second let me put some nails in the end...
> 
> Married Man. AWESOME advice. A bit too nice but DEAD ON!
> 
> ...


Damn good stuff there and thank you for that!

Here's what your looking for:

1) Your red flags were what?
-Her cutting sex off and being distant, more like a friend
-Password on the phone
-Password on her laptop
-Kept her phone on her person at all time and freaked out if I had it.
-She told me that he asked her out and she turned him down but she always talked about him.

2) How did your wife meet OM?
-Met him at work. I don't remember the specific dates but she lied to me twice about stopping contact with him. She told me that she didn't know why she couldn't stop talking to him and WOULD NOT tell me why he was so "irresistible". That makes me think there was a PA at least once.

She came clean the first time after I put her through the ringer and admitted that she and this OM had thing for each other but nothing else had happened. She totally broke down and was saying how she was a bad person and was crying hysterically. Another thing that makes me think it was PA is why would she cry like this if she was lying about it not being a PA and knew it was.

I busted her the second time after she had said they would no longer talk by way of her cell phone. I found out her passcode and saw texts. unfortunately the majority were all missing except for these:

Her: That rocked!
Him: I'll rock you to sleep 
Her: LOL
Her: Well I need to get to bed, gotta get up early.
Him: Good night beautiful
Her: 
Her: Good night

I woke her up and she tried to turn it around on me by telling me that I had no right getting into her phone like that. I told her I had every right to look at her phone an whatever else I want since she was the one that cheated, and she was the one that lied.

About 1 week later I busted her AGAIN on her PC by way of a keylogger showing screenshots of her playing Words With Friends on Facebook with this a$$hole. The word "sex" stood out to me on there. I don't know why but I again gave her another chance. We went to MC and the sex never came back so here we are at the tail end of January with a D in process.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Damn good stuff there and thank you for that!
> 
> Here's what your looking for:
> 
> ...


Right. She had that need met, plus she couldn't look at you in a sexual way anymore, because the OM was her man.



helpthisguy86 said:


> 2) How did your wife meet OM?
> -Met him at work. I don't remember the specific dates but she lied to me twice about stopping contact with him. She told me that she didn't know why she couldn't stop talking to him and WOULD NOT tell me why he was so "irresistible". That makes me think there was a PA at least once.


Affairs are irresistable. They thrive in the secrecy, and it's your little world. You don't want to let it go, the more you have of it, the more you want.



helpthisguy86 said:


> She came clean the first time after I put her through the ringer and admitted that she and this OM had thing for each other but nothing else had happened. She totally broke down and was saying how she was a bad person and was crying hysterically. Another thing that makes me think it was PA is why would she cry like this if she was lying about it not being a PA and knew it was.


It was a PA. The EA will go on for some short period of time then they will hook up.



helpthisguy86 said:


> I busted her the second time after she had said they would no longer talk by way of her cell phone. I found out her passcode and saw texts. unfortunately the majority were all missing except for these:
> 
> Her: That rocked!
> Him: I'll rock you to sleep
> ...


There you have it. PA right in your face.



helpthisguy86 said:


> I woke her up and she tried to turn it around on me by telling me that I had no right getting into her phone like that. I told her I had every right to look at her phone an whatever else I want since she was the one that cheated, and she was the one that lied.


Due to her history you had every right to search her phone. She also has a right to search your phone if she'd like. If she wanted a chance with you, she had no right for any secrets. That's a right that she lost, and besides if she really has nothing to hide, then what does she have to lose?



helpthisguy86 said:


> About 1 week later I busted her AGAIN on her PC by way of a keylogger showing screenshots of her playing Words With Friends on Facebook with this a$$hole. The word "sex" stood out to me on there. I don't know why but I again gave her another chance. We went to MC and the sex never came back so here we are at the tail end of January with a D in process.


You gotta let her go and don't even worry about ever getting her back. It will take her 2-3 years to figure out what she really did, unless her life will coddle her then she may not ever realize it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

There is enough time for her to have a PA in that time right before "That rocked"

Im reading that as a lunch fvck. Possible? Other times around then available?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> There is enough time for her to have a PA in that time right before "That rocked"
> 
> Im reading that as a lunch fvck. Possible? Other times around then available?


Nope, she always used to call me when she takes lunch. Those texts were sent later in the evening, like right before she went to bed around 11pm. They were going back and forth between 10pm and 11pm and she was home the entire time. She claimed he sent her a picture of a .gif image that had a raccoon rocking a baby raccoon to sleep.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Nope, she always used to call me when she takes lunch. Those texts were sent later in the evening, like right before she went to bed around 11pm. They were going back and forth between 10pm and 11pm and she was home the entire time. She claimed he sent her a picture of a .gif image that had a raccoon rocking a baby raccoon to sleep.


Funny. Still too close for comfort, but I guess if you were looking it would get your attention. Maybe guy knows you check the phone and they were messing with you. This still would be pretty bad cause i don't think it's his place at all...


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Funny. Still too close for comfort, but I guess if you were looking it would get your attention. Maybe guy knows you check the phone and they were messing with you. This still would be pretty bad cause i don't think it's his place at all...


Oh I can assure you I never knew this guy before all this happened. Something else that pisses me off now is that way back BEFORE all this happened my STBXW needed a new bumper for her car. Well I didn't have a truck and couldn't find one locally. Mr hero here found one up in Lansing and drove 150 miles round trip to bring it back for her. I told her that no guy is going to do that for JUST a friend. My gut was right the entire time.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Oh I can assure you I never knew this guy before all this happened. Something else that pisses me off now is that way back BEFORE all this happened my STBXW needed a new bumper for her car. Well I didn't have a truck and couldn't find one locally. Mr hero here found one up in Lansing and drove 150 miles round trip to bring it back for her. I told her that no guy is going to do that for JUST a friend. My gut was right the entire time.


Uh it is unlikely a man not getting poon does that. Still logistics count. Did they have time to have a PA?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Uh it is unlikely a man not getting poon does that. Still logistics count. Did they have time to have a PA?


That's where my mind was going too. There was never any time where they could have had a PA at work. I had a Sony VAR under the seat of her car for several months, and a pen VAR in her purse as well for the same amount of time. Both of those turned up nothing at all.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> That's where my mind was going too. There was never any time where they could have had a PA at work. I had a Sony VAR under the seat of her car for several months, and a pen VAR in her purse as well for the same amount of time. Both of those turned up nothing at all.


If you checked for several months and nothing, then I would leave it alone.

It's possible she's really clean and doesn't talk about it unless she's out of town.

But you'd guess she have a friend she would share the juicy details with.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Her: That rocked!
> Him: I'll rock you to sleep
> Her: LOL
> Her: Well I need to get to bed, gotta get up early.
> ...


LOL. If I texted this kind of stuff to a woman not my wife, I'd know full well that what I was doing was inappropriate. Whether they actually did the deed or not is irrelevant. 

Anyway, she's out the door now so it doesn't much matter. Good luck, and remember what we told you!


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Thanks everyone, yeah I'm done with her, just wish I knew for 100% sure if it was a PA or not. Pretty sure it was but just want that iron clad proof that it was.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

75% percent chance it was some form of PA. Possibly just a bj or something, probably before you had your radar up. Maybe a work day that was really a vacation/personal day.

Btw. I wasnt kidding that next time a woman flirts openly with you, after the ring check, fvcking flirt back! Dammit!


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> 75% percent chance it was some form of PA. Possibly just a bj or something, probably before you had your radar up. Maybe a work day that was really a vacation/personal day.
> 
> Btw. I wasnt kidding that next time a woman flirts openly with you, after the ring check, fvcking flirt back! Dammit!


I'm all over that my friend. Thanks again for the board with nails to the head


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Bit of an update here.....

So I went out over the weekend with some friends and had a great time. I haven't spoken to the WW in a while and it feels great!

I ended up doing light Weightlifter said and flirted back with a girl that came over and started talking to me. As soon as she started to show interest though I shut down completely. It wasn't voluntary or anything but just happened. I honestly was thinking to myself "What the fvck are you doing, just go with it." I could not get with it. She had her hand on my knee and was laughing, touching, smiling. All the signs were there, but as soon as she started to get more intimate I just shut down. All of the excitement went away and I just told her it was nice talking to her and got up and walked away. When I turned to look at her she was completely shocked and seemed quite upset. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me! I wanted to get that spark going and felt it, but as soon as that connection started to be made I had a feeling of panic and just fell on my face.....


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I don't know what the hell is wrong with me! I wanted to get that spark going and felt it, but as soon as that connection started to be made I had a feeling of panic and just fell on my face.....


You might need a bit of counselling? This is starting to sound like something that anonymous strangers on an internet forum can't help you with, though I'm sure a counsellor can. Perhaps your family messed you up in some way? Mine certainly did (alcoholism, etc, which is reputed to have an effect on how we form relationships as adults). Fear not.... usually these sorts of issues can be overcome! Good luck! (Again, take my advice: don't wait until you are in your 40s to start working this stuff out).

edit: one last, last piece of advice. RELAX! Meeting people is supposed to be fun. Think about having fun, and BEING a fun (and decent, gentlemanly, etc) person to be with, and let nature take its course. That's all you have to do. It sounds like you have *some* appeal, with the way you're being hit on, but you're treating every woman you meet like she's a final exam that you haven't studied for, or an opportunity to meet your quota of sexual partners. Stop stressing yourself out. (and I say this as a person who used to feel the way you did). 
OK, this is getting away from the core topic of this forum (sex in marriage), so I'll stop here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Bit of an update here.....
> 
> All of the excitement went away and I just told her it was nice talking to her and got up and walked away. When I turned to look at her she was completely shocked and seemed quite upset. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me! I wanted to get that spark going and felt it, but as soon as that connection started to be made I had a feeling of panic and just fell on my face.....


Facepalm.
Goodnews. You still have it on the outside. She was into you.

TRY again!!! Move it soldier. If fail again you need ic stat. Do not wait i mean the next day.

First one is hardest.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Facepalm.
> Goodnews. You still have it on the outside. She was into you.
> 
> TRY again!!! Move it soldier. If fail again you need ic stat. Do not wait i mean the next day.
> ...


I've been going to ic and feeling better about myself and more confident in every aspect of life except for women. I haven't had time to go out with the friends for the last week since I'm on a big project at work that makes me go in at 6am and get off at 7pm. I feel much better just relaxing on the weekends rather than going out and "hunting" as well.

I'm still working out and have actually cut all bad things out of my diet like pizza, soda pop, all snack foods too. Just eating lean turkey, chicken, fish, fruit, veggies, oatmeal, etc. I'm feeling more energetic but have officially lost all interest to go out and try to pickup women. I find a lot of women hot or attractive but I just don't have the drive in that area. My therapist says I have depression but that's not the case here. I'm very happy with all aspects of my life and feel very little stress without trying to pickup women. I figure, if I am meant to find someone else they will find me and maybe I wont turn them away that time, lol.

My STBXW apparently is already seeing someone else and it's not the guy from her work. I saw them while at lunch the other day and honestly I didn't feel upset, sad, or angry, just kind of a numb feeling. I was pretty surprised that she actually brought over "Nathan" and introduced him to me as her "friend" and me as her already ex. I did mention to him that we're in the process of D and that she's living with her parents which he apparently didn't know. She called me later on that night asking why I would embarrass her like that and I just calmly asked her "Why did you embarrass me by having an EA when you did, and then rejecting me all of that time? I was just looking out for his best interest. She called me a worthless piece of $hit and hung up on me. I thought it was pretty funny though .


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The last line shows you are detaching.

You thought it was funny.

Check back to say how its going.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Just wanted to post an update. I haven't hit on a woman or went to a place to pickup any women since my last post. I've been really busy with work but have found my mind wandering a bit lately. I can usually resolve that issue by a quick "self help" session and that gets my head back into the game. Other than that, I've been doing very well without women in my life. I feel free and able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want.


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