# How to forgive for reconciliation..



## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Ok, long story short, he left and had an affair. Said he wasn't happy for a long time, but instead of trying to fix it, he left and spent all his time with another woman. I know they slept together at least once, but I believe it may have been more. He basically tossed me out like garbage when he met her and continued to treat me like crap for months on end. We've recently been able to talk without arguing and even enjoyed the conversations, almost like when we first started dating. However, I've been living alone for a long time, built up my own life and many walls around my heart, and finally realized I'm happy without him. Only thing, I'm not sure I'd be unhappy with him, but just can't be sure I'll ever get over all of the cruel things he did while he was with her. I also don't know if I'll ever trust what he says, and if we do get back together, how can I not constantly wonder if it's going to happen again down the road? I feel like I've learned from history and shouldn't let it repeat itself.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Were you married for a long time and then you got divorced or did you just separate?

Do you have any kids together?

Does he feel any remorse for his actions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hopeful Wife: You have not said if you are separated or divorced. Reading your old post I suspect in the separate stage. 

Either way you did say you are happy quote “However, I've been living alone for a long time, built up my own life and many walls around my heart, and finally realized I'm happy without him.”

Unless you were very happy with him before and sincerely believe you will be so again I see a journey of pain. If your husband has not shown genuine remorse, apologised and acknowledged what he has done not only to you but all your friends, his friends, your family and his then I would question his motives.

Has he asked you if he can come back or are you as your name says hopeful?

If he asked ..

Then all that has happened is he has fallen out with the other woman, needs to be back with you for what? Why would it be different this time round? What is in it for you, you can forgive, you will never forget and if you get together again you will always remember the pain. 

It takes two to make a marriage and I am sure he will say there were faults on your side, he is the one who left - it is your call. 

Stay in peace, and be well


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Oh sorry, here's more info. We've been together for over 9 years, married for 7. This all started at about the 6.5 mark. We have one child together. We have been separated since November and divorce is pending but hasn't become final nor has a date been set.

He and I have been talking the whole time, and from the beginning he said he just needed time to figure things out, but he spent all his time with her. We've been talking the whole time but there were just some things that I'm not sure I can get over. He even went on vacation with her family when her brother got married. He wants to regain my trust but hasn't even dumped her yet (they're still hanging out but I don't think there's anything going on anymore). I told him it would be a long road and I'm not sure if I can ever get past it, even though I told him I can so I don't think he understands why I'm upset and unforgiving right now. It's almost like he only hears what he wants to, because when I told him I could get over it, he heard that, but when I told him that he has no chance while she's around, many times, he hasn't let her go. He said he hasn't yet because she's a friend and if we don't work things out he wants to have her as a friend still. I know it all sounds bad, and from the outside looking in looks really bad, but I'm sure we all understand that there's always more to the story and they always show us a different side at some point or we wouldn't want them at all. He's shown me he's changed some, but I'm not sure if it was in time.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Read the following link and see what step you are on:

Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?

If your husband wants to talk to you he needs to show sincerity and drop the other woman now. Talk is cheap action speaks louder than words.

You will see references on this site to Plan A and Pan B these will be similar to the 7 steps link above.

Part of the plan is for your husband to remove himself from the other woman (OW) and write her a no contact letter. I can post the link should you choose. This ensures he is breaking off contact to both her and himself. He writes the letter, You read the letter, he signs and you post. This letter is a must for you at this stage. You come first if not....

Just for info below is an extract from another wife’s post. Her husband had an affair and they did reconcile.

“Our lives have improved greatly. We are both better people, and we are better parents. I just wish he hadn't done what he did to get us to this point. I am still angry. Still look at him sometimes and just want to run away from it all. Despite the man he is now, I just can't let my guard completely down when it comes to trusting him. That's the curse of staying. You are always questioning your choice.” 


Ultimately you need to decide what you now want, if you believe you are better separated let the divorce proceed. Please note that if you do reconcile it will take a long time to ever trust him again and depending on the healing your marriage will never be the same.

Read this thread if you have not already seen it

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/15133-feeling-feeling-like-crap.html

Stay strong, thoughts are with you


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I have scanned all your posts and you come across as a strong person. I am sure you are in pain but I do think you can get though with either option. The main question is if you would be happy back with your husband. 

I do suspect that your mind is pretty much made up.

Perhaps the litmus test is the no contact letter. See what happens.. …


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I would not even consider it. He is still seeing the other woman. That is a deal breaker.

You are happier without him. He dumped you. Go find someone that won't hurt you and makes you even happier. You need to remain friends for the child. If he does not understand why you are so angry and hurt, he has not learned that he tore his marraige up, was with another woman, and hurt his spouse.

I agree, you sound strong, but hurt. Why would you risk your happiness to be hurt?


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

All good points and I see the sides of both. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. I don't plan on letting my guard down anytime soon so I don't get hurt again. I truly feel I could be fine going either way, but at the same time if he is getting back to his "old self", the way he was when we first met, I may want to give it a shot. He went through a lot of issues when it all started, and even though I'm not excusing his behaviors in any way, it may have played into his actions and he seems to be coming out of the "funk" that he's been in and becoming a better person. I honestly feel that we could be very good friends, but the possibility is there to be more, I just don't know if I'm ready because I am enjoying my life and my freedom. It's hard to give that up.


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