# Numb..



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm posting this here because I don't know where else it really fits.

throughout the past six months or so I've been up and down, I've been here..left the site because I didn't like the advice I got, and now..I've returned.

I don't know where to start, because this is going to be long. I was kind of wondering how many of you have ever gotten to the point in things where you're completely numb. I feel like I feel nothing. I am sad, I feel alone, and I've closed everyone out.

In the past year I've had to deal with death, my husband dumping school and hiding it from me, while spending money on my credit card, which only brings our debt up even more. he shows no remorse for those actions..and I understood him not being able to handle school after losing the fight with his sisters addictions. I don't understand him not coming to me first, but I can still kind of see past that.

I've dealt with finding out so many lies and things that were hidden from me, things that hurt..severely. I've deallt with his affection towards other girls, flirting directly infront of my face. I've had my named slaughtered at work, even though he denies he says things to that degree. I've walked into questioning from friends at work about why I had to do whatever. I've had many horrid things said to me, Ive said plenty back. There was a period of time most recently, I was regularly called the dirty C word. 

I'm back now, to where I was this summer. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus, I'm never happy, and I just sit here, trying to mentally escape it all, chain smoking and sipping my coffee.

I don't believe in taking anti-depressants. I wanted to see a counselor, but hubs refuses and will only go see a priest and start going to church. I see that as a quick fix attempt, and since many of the things were going on during our last church attendances that are still prominent, I do not see why it would help now. 

My husband told me, that he can't fix it if I won't let him. And I realized, that Im unable to let him. I'm so deeply sunk into my depression and feel so ostricized by people I know, people I don't and his family that I can't find it in me to open up and let anyone into my little world, let alone re-open to that hurt. But this depression is not constructive. it's not helping. And I don't know what to do with it.

all the people left that care, want me to move in with them, and they're all rushing me to do it. I can't say why I stay, but I can't say why I should leave either..Im so freaking numb to everything around me I just sit here.

How do I think around or get around this? How do I get the solitude to fade just enough for some clarity? If I could go one day without it, it'd be a miracle. I think I need time to myself, to sort, and fix, and search, but I can't bring myself to do it or say it, because I cannot bring myself to crush my husband in that way.

is there a way to think clearly through this? One of you has to have some advice...or something.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> How do I think around or get around this? How do I get the solitude to fade just enough for some clarity?.


By doing what the people who care about you want you to do.





CLucas976 said:


> all the people left that care, want me to move in with them.


They are not asking you to come stay with them so you can get a divorce or be mean to your husband. 

They know what you need. You need the weight of the world taken off of your shoulders and to be shielded from everything.

Giving you an outlet to talk when you want to so you can figure things out with no pressure and also re-learn that relationships can have understanding and trust.






CLucas976 said:


> I think I need time to myself, to sort, and fix, and search, but I can't bring myself to do it or say it, because I cannot bring myself to crush my husband in that way.



If you feel you can't deal with this major step of leaving to go stay with someone, simply call one of them back and say 'Ok, I'm ready to come stay with you, but just for a little while.' And let them come help you.


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## crazyinlove (Nov 20, 2010)

Sweetheart, Please listen closely, You are feeling numb and are very clearly suffering with some form of depression.

It is no wonder, read your letter back , then read it again.

No one deserves to live what is after all rather a short life, in pain and with adstructive and cruel partner.

NO ONE NOT EVEN YOU . now say that to yourself hurting one. say it until you know it to be true.

If there is a god, they will not want pain and humiliation to be your lifestyle. Go to your lovely friends, take one gentle step at a time my dear.See a doctor, they are not voodoo, they are educated good folk , devoted to healing.

You also desrve their care and good advice.

Being on anti depressants is not a belief system nor a sign of wekness. Illness of the mind is like every other illness, it can be cared for and helped by professionals who know how to.

This relationship has destroyed your self esteem. Leave it, gently and with the help of those who will help you back to the beauty that is life if you know where and how to look for ut.

Great good fortune to you and peace of mind, my fellow human.


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## INguy (Dec 21, 2010)

I had the same numb feelings for years. Those feeling finally caught up with me and I decided to go talk to a therapist. I had no idea I was depressed, maybe I did and and was just in denial. 

I didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't talk to friends, stopped watching tv shows I enjoyed, I completely withdrew. I felt this way for so long it felt comfortable, like the Pink Floyd song. 

The therapist helped and I am still seeing her, I have been since July. i was also hesitant about trying any meds too. I tried herbal stuff but it didn't help. Sam-E actually made we very anxious and made me think very dark thoughts. Be careful with herbal meds, do a lot of research and watch what you combine.

I have been on Zoloft 100mg since 10-21-2010 and I can tell a difference. I feel more alive, more awake. I don't feel numb anymore. My wife was against me taking them but I told her I had to do something, i was spiraling out of control. 

Read about them and see what you think. They all have side effects, most have sexual side effects. 

Keep us posted.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> I'm posting this here because I don't know where else it really fits.
> 
> throughout the past six months or so I've been up and down, I've been here..left the site because I didn't like the advice I got, and now..I've returned.
> 
> ...


Hello!
It's not the end of world!
Take depression pills first.
Sort out the things you want and you don't want in life.
Get rid of it or repair it, including your marriage & your husband.

However, if you don't stop your depression, you can't think properly.

Eat healthy, sleep well, go to the doctor to get some pills.

Take care of yourself first so you are able to clean up all these craps later.

You can actually sue your husband for the credit card issue and bring him to court if you want a divorce.

Stay strong, healthy and happy. You married to a wrong man, and he screwed up your life, so now you must correct your mistake and put your life back on the right track.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i went numb a few years ago. rage interrupted the numbness once in awhile but i was mostly catatonic. i went to a counselor and of course they tried to put me on anti-depressents but i wouldnt take them. Gradually i stopped focusing on my H and my marriage and started focusing on myself. it got to the point that i was either going to lose my marriage or myself, and of course if i lost myself in the end all fails. so i realized i had to save myself. i took small steps to find my foundation again. im still on that road. 

hang in there. life has a nasty learning curve. when your thoughts are not on the right tracks you feel like crap. its really hard to find out how to adjust. but it is possible. you've got to let go of the problems in your marriage and find yourself again.


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