# Rewriting history....



## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Just a quick question...
I am wondering if that ever stops for the person doing it...Do they ever snap out of that and go oh ****? 
There is no hope for my marriage , already filed for divorce, just wondering.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

My XW has never stopped trying to rewrite it.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> My XW has never stopped trying to rewrite it.


After how long, if you dont mind me asking?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Ldziesinski said:


> After how long, if you dont mind me asking?


Little longer then 2 years now


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

People are a varied lot. Some of them get wise/own their shortcomings, many never do.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> People are a varied lot. Some of them get wise/own their shortcomings, many never do.


Is that why that happens, because of their own shortcomings? As a way to block those out?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Ldziesinski said:


> Is that why that happens, because of their own shortcomings? As a way to block those out?


Willingness to rewrite history is, IMO a shortcoming, that is what I meant. 

I don't think it's hard to see why people prefer a version of history in which they're not the bad guy.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> Willingness to rewrite history is, IMO a shortcoming, that is what I meant.
> 
> I don't think it's hard to see why people prefer a version of history in which they're not the bad guy.


Very true.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Not to be difficult, but I don't really understand 'rewriting history'. 

People lie - or people experience/remember events differently.

I also think this phrase could be used for gaslighting/causing doubt (whether intentional or not). 

We all remember things based on so many individual filters, and our memories are flawed.

If your soon to be ex-husband is a compulsive liar, then perhaps he's very fearful and insecure (hiding out of guilt/shame). Or, he could be sadistic and simply enjoy causing chaos.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

minimalME said:


> Not to be difficult, but I don't really understand 'rewriting history'.
> 
> People lie - or people experience/remember events differently.
> 
> ...


It goes to the he never thought anything was a problem till he met his affair partner. Than all the sudden he was unhappy , ect lol its mind blowing to be in the middle of lol


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ldziesinski said:


> It goes to the he never thought anything was a problem till he met his affair partner. Than all the sudden he was unhappy , ect lol its mind blowing to be in the middle of lol


I understand, but none of us are omniscient, so we never really know another person. 

Regardless, it would be more productive/beneficial to focus on yourself, rather than the person you're divorcing.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

People love to blame others for their shortcomings, their sin (it began in the garden of Eden), and their failings. "Rewriting history" is a self-justification mode which doesn't actually work.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Blame shifting is very common. My sister was a cheater. It was never her fault and there was never any change from the cheater script.
Blame shifting and a betrayed living on hopium is a real bad combination to limbo land.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I doubt it, it's easier to keep up the rationalizations. That's why all this "my truth" stuff is so popular. You don't have to face reality, just your "truth"


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Ldziesinski said:


> Is that why that happens, because of their own shortcomings? As a way to block those out?


I think the rewriting history was a psychological way to help make themselves feel ok for going against their own moral standing. It’s using justifications, and then amplifying those justifications to the n-th degree. Mine rewrote history and I didn’t even know he was doing it until he unleashed our new marital history after DDay. Ridiculous things. The surprise of hearing what he actually thought about me at that time was a real treat. He has recanted most of it, and has had his “oh ****” moment but some people never do.

I guess it depends on how convinced they are of their new reality. Much is based in some truth and then magnified. They are adept at turning their spouse into a villain to save their own ego. I hear people talk about the person they are divorced from in the same way, a terrible human being with no redeeming qualities even when no cheating was involved. So I’d say it’s more common to NOT have the “oh ****” moment.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The logical response is that, if the X gets to a happy place, like a really content one where they no longer care about the past marriage, they will likely stop with the rewriting and lying because they are now "above" needing to. 

Rewriting is for those who still feel they have something to prove.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Someone called it "Monstering." If you turn your husband or wife into a monster, then it's all down on them, all their fault.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> The logical response is that, if the X gets to a happy place, like a really content one where they no longer care about the past marriage, they will likely stop with the rewriting and lying because they are now "above" needing to.
> 
> Rewriting is for those who still feel they have something to prove.


I dont know what at this point he would have to prove. Its such a confusing thing to be in the middle of .


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ldziesinski said:


> There is no hope for my marriage , already filed for divorce, just wondering.


Read that line again. You are doing it wrong. Usually you file for divorce when you have no hope.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I dont know what at this point he would have to prove. Its such a confusing thing to be in the middle of .


He's doing it solely to make himself feel better about what he's done.
It really doesn't have anything to do with you. 99% of the rewritting is over stuff that, in healthy marriages, mean nothing.

A shirt on the floor becomes condemned housing under the re-write.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Read that line again. You are doing it wrong. Usually you file for divorce when you have no hope.


I’m sorry, I am confused on what your saying.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ldziesinski said:


> I’m sorry, I am confused on what your saying.


He means that you don't file for divorce in hopes that you can fix things. 
You file for divorce when you have no other options. 

It's ok to file, because you can always withdraw your complaint if he steps up the way you want him to.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He means that you don't file for divorce in hopes that you can fix things.
> You file for divorce when you have no other options.
> 
> It's ok to file, because you can always withdraw your complaint if he steps up the way you want him to.


He filed for divorce. I have no intentions of working on it because of the way I have been treated. I have no hope for my marriage. Just a lot of curiosity about things that have transpired.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

And after repeating the re-write enough times, it becomes truth to them.

There have been a few instances of this in our marriage. When I see it happening, I just log it in my brain as "no, that's not actually how that happened" and stay quiet. There is no real point in arguing about it once they have drilled it into their brains so much that it's true to them.

I've started becoming much more comfortable in my own truths, to the point it doesn't bother me that much when someone defies it. As long as I know, I'm not sure it really matters much what someone else's version of the story is. It's very self-enlightening to think and feel this way.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Of course some people do. There are billions on the planet.

And many don't of course.

Pick a topic and one can't say everyone or no one. So when you ask if a person can ever stop rewriting history, the answer is yes as some do.

As for a specific person, none of us know that.

My first husband cheated left and right, he had major issues with sex (sex addiction, at least for those who believe in that) among other issues.

We've been divorced almost 16 years now and he worked his tail off in counseling with 5 different counselors over many different states from 2005 to 2013.

He didn't do the following for me, but for himself. He wanted to know how and why his life crumbled when it held so much promise. He was smart, did well in college and he went to grad school. He did well at work everywhere he worked, he was a white male, healthy but his life crashed and burned.

He worked hard in counseling trying to figure out what in the hell happened. He wasn't trying to place blame on anyone, be it myself, his mother (who deserves tons of blame honestly) etc.

I can't say what he wrote was a timeline as it wasn't that. He spent a few years writing and researching while in counseling and he ended writing almost 2,700 pages about his life, about what happened to him from practically birth right on to the current time.

It took me a bit, but I asked if he'd share it with me and eventually he did. Why? We'd long been divorced and I'd been through my own counseling and had remarried. I was in a much better place and my 1st husband was/is smart so I wanted to find out what he'd come up with.

He touched upon so many things, adult attachment theory, things from folks like Dr. Gottman, Dr. Schnarch among many others. He talked about communication, the lack of it.

I had my own issues too, enough of them. He was always logical, analytical and that's what his novel was.

He was right, he wasn't trying to blame anyone with what he wrote. He just had to find out what in the heck happened.

He lived his live and I lived a lot of it with him but when you are living, you can't always see the forest for the tree right in front of your face due to living in the day to day with work, kids, a house, pets etc. all of which we had.

I can't say he ever rewrote history or our marriage history though so he didn't have to stop doing that as he never did it.

My older sister did quit rewriting much of her history, though it took her until she was in her 60's to do so.


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