# Wife talks to me as if I'm doing her favors



## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

This is going to be hard to explain, but I'm wondering if anyone can relate. Since the beginning of our relationship, one thing that has driven me crazy (and there are many things) is that when my wife asks me to do something, it often feels as though she is asking a favor of me: as if I were some stranger doing her a favor, as opposed to her partner working together with her. There are lots of extra "pleases" and a tone of voice that implies that there's some doubt that I'd be ok doing it.

I'm sure to most people my complaint sounds really weird. Isn't she just being polite? Well, no, not at all. It's typically my pleasure to do anything that I think will make life better for my wife and my family. I'm in a pretty much continuous state of trying to help make things ok for us. My wife is a control freak and is usually miserable about something or other (because nothing is ever quite right for her), but I do my best to make life good for her in the ways that I can. When she talks to me in this manner, it feels as though she is not acknowledging that I want to (and do) help - as though she is ultimately on her own and needs an exceptional favor from me.

As an example: I'm the person who cleans the house and am continuously cleaning up after her mess (she doesn't clean up after herself typically). But then, she'll use the "please do me a favor" tone and ask me to clean something specific. She asks as though walking on eggshells. However, since I always do anything and everything that is asked of me (and more!) why is she talking to me as if she has to be careful asking for a favor? Who else would clean it besides me? To me this feels like an undermining of everything I do. Instead of feeling like a partner, all of a sudden I feel like some helper who isn't appreciated for anything I've done thus far. It makes me feel simultaneously angry and lonely.

To me the "politeness" represents a lack of intimacy. Just to be clear, my wife is often rude (to myself and others), and mostly doesn't really care what other people think of her. When she puts that default stance on hold to be formal with how she asks something mundane of me, I can only feel like we're a million miles apart (which, for the most part, we are).

I don't think I've explained this well at all, but maybe someone knows what I'm talking about and can relate anyway.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's working for her, so she keeps doing it.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

What was her relationship like with her parents? It sounds like learned behaviour on her part. Have you seen her parents interact?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Finding said:


> I'm the person who cleans the house and am continuously cleaning up after her mess (she doesn't clean up after herself typically). But then, she'll use the "please do me a favor" tone and ask me to clean something specific. She asks as though walking on eggshells.


She knows she is using you, and she knows that that tone makes you feel guilty so you'll do even more.

Seems to be working.



> Just to be clear, my wife is often rude (to myself and others), and mostly doesn't really care what other people think of her.


You said it. She doesn't care what you think of her.

Tell me I'm wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Most likely something she learned from her parents' dynamics. Not sure she's scared of you cos if she was, she would be the one doing the cleaning so as to not tick you off.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It may be that this is a behavior your wife learned in childhood from observing her own family/parents. My ex-husband's default mode was the clear assumption that I was going to go completely to pieces over any and every little thing that might be even mildly distressing - even though I never once did that. He learned as a child that women over-react and freak out about everything, because that's what his mother and sister did. I'm not sure it ever even occurred to him to actually observe the fact that I didn't do that. He just behaved and spoke to me as if I were in the midst of an irrational meltdown, even if I were perfectly calm and trying to have a rational conversation with him. It was, frankly, a bit insulting. Your wife's formal politeness might be in that same vein - this is just how spouses interact in her mind, and she's never really thought about doing it a different way.

However, in the normal course of a healthy relationship, being polite with a spouse wouldn't register as odd to me. I would be offended if my spouse didn't say please when making request, or thank me for doing things for him. Failure to observe those niceties would come across as him taking me and my efforts for granted.

You clearly resent her for not only her tone, and for taking you for granted, but also for the fact that you're the one cleaning up after her. Have y'all tried marriage counseling?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Do her parents interact this way? Does she interact like this with her parents or others? It sounds a bit manipulative, but it also sounds like it is a deeply routed learned behavior. Not horridly damaging but [email protected] annoying to live with.

Why are you acting as her maid? That would bother me much more than the way she asks, though honestly that sounds really annoying too.

She can't change it unless she is called out on it, have you spoken to her about it?


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## skynet (Jul 9, 2015)

Why don't you do it back to her?

Honey would you do me a favor and clean up your mess?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

It's her way of making you do more chores in addition to what you are already doing. Hiding behind her politeness is a lazy spouse. It is working for her. Tell her to pick up her own mess!


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

About her family's dynamic: As a child she needed to have things "just so." For example, she has told me how, when she was very young, she would need to have exactly the right amount of Cheerios in her bowl (so that they would form an aesthetically pleasing cluster where they floated on the milk) and she would demand that her mother get it just right. Knowing her mother, I can imagine her always walking on eggshells, trying not to upset her child. It would make sense because it always feels condescending: she is speaking to me as if I am a difficult child. I'm wondering if this is now my wife repeating this role. I'm not sure, but will have to think more about it.

Re housework resentment: No, I don't really resent her for my doing housework. I actually enjoy cleaning the house. It's not like I feel things are uneven: She does pretty much all the cooking and plenty of other things. I only resent that what I do is not appreciated. When she speaks to me, there's always an underlying lack of respect: like she thinks that if she wasn't micromanaging what I do, then the household would fall apart.

Re do it back to her: We fight so much, and I'm tired of it. These days I'm mostly working on trying to accept her as she is (obviously I'm failing), and working to find a way to live together in peace so that we can raise our new children (2 1/2 + 6 months) in a stable environment. Her not cleaning up after herself is the absolute least of my worries and complaints.

BTW, we've "talked" about this stuff before, by which I mean we've fought about it many, many times. We've also been to counseling in the past but she refused to go back (we tried two different people; she thought they were both idiots). I'm not expecting you people to solve this problem (though it would be nice!). I expect I would need to write a 10,000 word essay just to give you enough of a context to understand the relationship, but I'll spare you that... Thank you regardless for allowing me to get it out there.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yep, I've been there. I've seen women use tone, to get you to do what they want, to belittle what they are asking you to do. Sorry that you are going through this. After awhile it comes across as condescending.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree with Roselyn.

Others could probably correct me but I think it's probably a $h!t test or fitness test. Or are those the same thing? You could google to get the definition.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Ever tried just saying No. 

Or even No thank you?

Or my personal favorite...." I would prefer not"


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

It's not polite. It's patronizing. She thinks she's superior to you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Finding said:


> Just to be clear, my wife is often rude (to myself and others), and mostly doesn't really care what other people think of her.


Maybe you should take a cue from your alpha wife and not give a fvck about her control freak issues either. Tell her if she doesn't like something to fix it herself and stop being lazy. If she ever asks you for a certain number of cheerios in a bowl, you should immediately dump the bowl of cheerios on her head.

Look, you sound like a typical passive aggressive nice guy husband with doormat tendencies. If she asks you a favor in a manner that annoys you tell her to knock it off. If she doesn't, then DON'T do the favor until she asks in a less obnoxious way and tell her that. Stand up for yourself and she might have some respect for you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's your fix.

And it's a simple one, but difficult to get right.

Here it is:

"No."

"husband, can you pretty please do this super annoying thing that is unreasonable just because..."

"No."

Not pissy. Not whiny. No justification. Just... "No."

If she asks you to do it again, just say "No."

If she gets mad, don't get mad. Just say "No."

If she flips out...

Well, you get the picture.


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

So, you're saying that I should say "no," never explain to her what the problem is, and things will magically get better?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Finding said:


> So, you're saying that I should say "no," never explain to her what the problem is, and things will magically get better?


No, not by magic. By consistency. 

You have taught her that this is acceptable by tolerating her behavior all this time. 

Stop tolerating it -by just not reacting to it.


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

Yes, well, I agree at least that I need to stop reacting to bull****. I've realized this for a long time. If you have some tip on how to actually stop reacting to things that trigger habitual reaction, please let me know. I have tried. Thus far I have not mastered it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex never had to sugar coat any requests she had, but she would thank me excessively if I did something helpful, beyond the normal amount of gratitude. And worse, every time she thanked me she had to immediately reciprocate by trying to do something equivalent for me at the absolute earliest opportunity (or more accurately something she'd tell herself was equivalent, even if I didn't want it). I guess this works for some people's relationships but for me it is way too transactional, like it was going on a balance sheet, which she could not stand for a second if it was temporarily unbalanced. When I did something good it counted for me and if I failed to do something good (even if I did nothing bad) it counted against me. The problem was that I always had to be the one to go first or else she'd be full of resentment for having to do something for me I didn't deserve, and doing nothing at all was infinitely worse.

Ugh that was so much work, I am in a way better relationship now where we don't have a balance sheet we just both put in whatever effort we have available to make our daily lives as mutually enjoyable as we can and to set up for tomorrow's enjoyment. Sometimes I put in more effort sometimes she does, and even if it became continuously out of balance where one of us was normally putting in more effort, so what the point is if we both appreciate each other and are happy with the relationship.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Finding said:


> So, you're saying that I should say "no," never explain to her what the problem is, and things will magically get better?


She knows what the problem is.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Finding said:


> Yes, well, I agree at least that I need to stop reacting to bull****. I've realized this for a long time. If you have some tip on how to actually stop reacting to things that trigger habitual reaction, please let me know. I have tried. Thus far I have not mastered it.


Again, it's very simple, and very difficult.

Just don't react to it. It's noise. It isn't real.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you just say no? And then go on about your own business?


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

OP, have you actually explained to your wife exactly what you told us in your first post (well, minus the bit about how you think she's miserable all the time)?

She may honestly not be aware of how you're feeling. Reading your post I realised I could be accused of similar overpoliteness (I'm a Brit which may have something to do with it) and there has never been a trace of manipulation intended - I'd never have imagined that framing a request 'Could you please do me a favour...?' could somehow be interpreted as lacking in intimacy or even as insulting. I realise there are other issues than this in your marriage but I still think it would be worth directly communicating your feelings over this specific thing.

Is your wife very independent? She may find it difficult asking for help, even from you, which could explain why she makes even tiny requests seem like a big deal...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Finding said:


> So, you're saying that I should say "no," never explain to her what the problem is, and things will magically get better?


When my IC told me that I needed to get my H on board with helping with SOMEthing in terms of taking care of the house, other than mowing the lawn (he did NOTHING else), I sat him down at dinner and asked him to take responsibility for ONE thing. Just one. Folding towels. Putting towels in the drawer. Emptying the silverware from the dishwasher. SOMETHING. He refused. Said he never knew when he would be 'available' to do do anything. 

So I just quit doing his laundry. Didn't say a word to him. Just stopped. I kept doing everything else, just not that.

After about a month, he blew up at me. How DARE I stop doing his laundry? I just shrugged and said 'I asked you to help this family and you refused. I had to do SOMEthing to help me deal with all the work.'

About an hour later, I caught him doing some repair work I'd been waiting on for 2 or 3 years. So I did a load of his laundry.


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## norgie (Jun 1, 2015)

Finding, 
You mentioned that your wife doesn't act like a partner. Does she make you feel marginalized as a husband? Or act like everything is up to her or depends on her? Even though you take care of a lot of things? Operates and makes decisions like you don't exist? Manipulates too?

I've got one of those.


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

Lon said:


> My ex never had to sugar coat any requests she had, but she would thank me excessively if I did something helpful, beyond the normal amount of gratitude. And worse, every time she thanked me she had to immediately reciprocate by trying to do something equivalent for me at the absolute earliest opportunity (or more accurately something she'd tell herself was equivalent, even if I didn't want it). I guess this works for some people's relationships but for me it is way too transactional, like it was going on a balance sheet, which she could not stand for a second if it was temporarily unbalanced. When I did something good it counted for me and if I failed to do something good (even if I did nothing bad) it counted against me. The problem was that I always had to be the one to go first or else she'd be full of resentment for having to do something for me I didn't deserve, and doing nothing at all was infinitely worse.
> 
> Ugh that was so much work, I am in a way better relationship now where we don't have a balance sheet we just both put in whatever effort we have available to make our daily lives as mutually enjoyable as we can and to set up for tomorrow's enjoyment. Sometimes I put in more effort sometimes she does, and even if it became continuously out of balance where one of us was normally putting in more effort, so what the point is if we both appreciate each other and are happy with the relationship.


Just want to say thanks for this. Your post resonates with me and I think you know what I'm talking about. I'm so happy that you are in such a good relationship now. That is what I want, and unfortunately do not have: a relationship where we each pump out the love and effort without rationing, checking, judging, balancing, managing... just because that's what love is. I don't have that, and it's very hard to be ok.


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## Finding (Jul 8, 2015)

primavera said:


> OP, have you actually explained to your wife exactly what you told us in your first post (well, minus the bit about how you think she's miserable all the time)?
> ...
> Is your wife very independent? She may find it difficult asking for help, even from you, which could explain why she makes even tiny requests seem like a big deal...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's aware, in that we argue about such things often. She is indeed a very independent character and, yes, she herself says she finds it difficult asking for help. The thing is, she asks so much of so many (because her needs seem endless). Weird paradox.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you aware that when one argues, the other stops listening?

Arguing gives her NO REASON to listen to you. Do YOU listen to her when she's b*tching YOU out?

IMO, you need to 'fix' your marriage by getting back to how you started out - both of you wanting to make the other happy. And since you're here, we're telling YOU how to do it from YOUR side of the marriage.

Get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it. Read it with her, or else read parts of it out loud to her. It's basic psychology, and easy to understand.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Just say no! Then leave the area. Other alternatives for no: "You can do it yourself." The only way you should say yes is if she would return the favor.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Honey please do me a favor and continue this blowjob for 2 hours. Please and thank you (then continue browsing on your iPad or read a magazine)


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