# Wife wants to separate over holidays



## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

My wife and have been together for almost seven years, and we will celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary in just a few short weeks. Late last week, she said that she would like to take a break over the holidays. This will allow her to think about things, and decide if she is committed to this relationship. We will go our separate ways over Christmas, and we won't see each other for about 2 weeks. 

Some background:

She said that she started feeling slightly unhappy with our marriage back in March. She didn't communicate this to me nor was I perceptive enough to pick up on these things. In July, she told me that she wasn't happy, and I will be the first to admit that I didn't handle that well at all. I was flabbergasted that I hadn't noticed her unhappiness (in fact, I thought we were doing very well). It tore me apart, and I was so emotional I walked out the door for the afternoon. After I got a hold of myself, we talked about a few things that I needed to work on. She said she wanted to be more independent, she didn't want me making her feel guilty for doing things that she wanted to do, and she wanted me to be better about chatting with her about her day and such. 

Things seemed to improve after this conversation. Late in the summer, I started seeing some unusual behavior. She would come home very late at night after going out for drinks, and she would lie about what time she got home. I knew what time she got home, because I could hear the garage open. One Monday night, she came home visibly intoxicated, but she denied she had been drinking. She finally admitted that she had drank a couple of martinis by herself. The next morning, I grabbed her cell phone because I wanted to see if she was with someone. I can genuinely say that I was concerned about her, and I wasn't snooping. I found a string of over 100 text messages between her and her coworker calling each other "baby" and saying "i love you" and such. I confronted her about this that morning, she said that she didn't actually love him, and she didn't know why she said those things. She said she hadn't been physical with him, but she said that she had been emotionally unfaithful. She said that she would stop what she had been doing. She also told me that she had been seeing a counselor for a few weeks, and that she was working to figure out what she wanted out of our marriage.

My thought was that things were improving since then. I was wrong. We were planning on going on vacation with my parents in January, and everytime I would bring it up, she would avoid the subject. Eventually she finally told me that she felt uncomfortable going on the trip, because of what we were going through. At this point, I think I finally understood the gravity of the situation; she was really considering a divorce. Through the months we have talked a lot about our lack of intimacy, and she finally told me at this time that it is due to the fact that she wasn't comfortable enough with me to have sex.

I proceeded to search through her email a few days later. I found a couple of more email strings with her coworker from before with "i love you's" and messages about whether they were going to be together or not. I confronted her again about this. She said that she loves me but she isn't "in love" with me. She said that she cares deeply about the OM.

I have been an emotional wreck, and I have most definitely made some mistakes recently. I have been trying to schedule dates, I bought her flowers, I have been talking about our relationship, and I have been very needy. I have asked to join her with her marriage counselor. I sit here days before our "separation" will begin, and I'm looking for some advice. I have read a little bit about the 180, and I'm wondering if that would apply here.

Thank you in advance, and I'm happy to answer any questions you may.


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## theniceguyy (Dec 16, 2011)

Cowboy - Sorry to hear about what you are going though. Your wife's EA is something that she needs to deal with. If you try to change her mind there is a good chance that this same issue will come up again in the future. I'm currently going through a similar situation - she told me that she not IN love with me and getting separated during the holidays. It the worst possible timing but we need to be strong and understand that we can not change the way someone feels. Keep your self busy and remember that you will find some who will treat you with respect and not be unloyal to you. The old saying - If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be. Best wishes.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I think that you bring up some good points niceguy. Thank you for that. The hardest part is that I really really want to be with her despite all of our problems.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

When a cheating spouse asks for a separation it is ALWAYS an attempt to facilitate the cheating.

Your wife doesn`t want "space" to figure out how she feels about your marriage.
Your wife wants "space" so she can freely **** her OM without having to worry about you discovering it.

If you allow it she will see you as weak at a time when she needs to see you as a better option than the OM.

You`ll be the author of your own misery.

Put your foot down, or leave her.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cowboy! 

Wow! Your W is feeding you the cheaters script! Read some other of the threads on here. You will find that there is a common pattern with cheaters.

Think about this for a few minutes. You and your wife ALREADY committed to each other. Thats what the marriage ceremony is about. Separation? really? Dude - separations are "free passes to cheat". Did you sign up for this?

Here's the facts: You've already lost your wife. She's stringing you along cause you are probably more financially secure than the OM (Other man). 

Your best strategy at this point? You need to expose the affair wide open. Your W (wife's) parents, sibliings, but most important, you need to find out if the OM is married. You will best help your situation by exposing the affair to the OM's W, if he has one.

Don't believe for a second that she hasn't been physical. If she felt the need to be truthfully honest, she wouldn't be lieing to you about everything else. 

STD tests for you and her. There's a book out there (Married Men Sex Life Primer) that explains why women don't have sex with their committed partner. Its usually because they are emotionally and/or physically attached to someone else. 

Now, lets address this separation. Thats what Divorces are for. Unless your minister / justice of the peace read from a different script, I don't remember any vow that includes 2 week marriage free passes to "decide" if they want to be married ( equals banging the OM during the "break"). You need to man-up (read No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold onto your NUT*s) and let her know how its going to be. If she wants to be "separate" - you get the divorce papers served to her. You've only been married 2 years. Thats still practically honeymoon period, and this shouldn't be happening, unless you married a serial cheater. 

Focus on these three things:

1 - Man up
2 - Expose the affair
3 - No separation - serve divorce papers instead

Don't kiss her as* anymore or appear weak. Women's primary need in a relationship is to feel secure - physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. 

If she doesn't see an as*-kicker - she'll "upgrade" to another. That's why you need to man-up. 

There are some links out here for what we call a "180" this will help you get your confidence back. Also, the divorce papers? Well, it turns out they are the fastest way to get knock an affair "off track" other than exposing the affair. And you can revoke them down the road, if reconciliation is in the picture with your.

My brutal assessment for your situation based on your circumstances? Serve her the divorce papers and be done with her. 2 years isn't long enough to necessitate the effort to reconcile. She's a cheater. If she's a cheater at 2 years, she's likely to be a repeat cheater. Get your bank accounts in order, seperate your finances, cancel her credit cards. This also is important to do for exposing the affair as it dries up her financial security, and the OM has to start paying.

Good luck! I hope the calvary shows up soon to give you the best advice there is on the forum.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Cowboy, this should be in the "coping with infidelity" section. Basically I will wager large sums of money she wants the separation to spend the holidays with the other man. I would also bet that it is a physical affair, not "just" emotional, though it is honestly hard to say which is the worst.

The thing that is most important for you to realize right now is that you CAN'T trust her, even if she still has your trust she is abusing it, completely walking over whatever respect you have for her. Her decisions to trash her marriage (and also completely destroy whatever postive opinion of you she may have had at one point in time) are being fueled by the chemical rush in her brain from this new romance. If she hasn't yet (though she may have been setting this up even as far back in march), she will blame you for her unhappiness, for all her unmet needs and for driving her into the ams (bed) of another man.

DO NOT TRUST her words, listen to her actions. If you want to have any chance of saving your marriage you need to hit her with a hard dose of reality because right now she is in fantasyland and she will regret it forever (and will cause you a world of hurt). Find out the depth of her affair for yourself, don't let her trickle-truth you, hire a PI, do the VAR under her car seat, check the cell phone records and internet history, install keyloggers. Find out who the OM is and if he's married tell his W, if he's not married tell his mother. Arm yourself with the truth, bust up this affair before you decide to let her separate and do not accept the blame of her bad choice to cheat. Hire a lawyer immediately to draft up the divorce documents (it takes time, so you can back out later if she becomes truly remorseful) If she is unrepentent then do the 180 on here (let her go, no contact with her, no begging, pleading or trying to win her, just focus on yourself and realize that you are better off without a liar for a partner).

Sorry you are here but right now is not the time for self-pity, you need to act fast to kill the affair. A cheating w has no respect or attraction for a H that begs for her to stop screwing her OM, you are basically in this by yourself right now (with some supportive people on here), so don't expect any kind of help from her, honestly no mercy for the OM, don't be nice right now be a protective husband that will claim his W and if she is gone then you will get a better one.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Your best strategy at this point? You need to expose the affair wide open. Your W (wife's) parents, sibliings, but most important, you need to find out if the OM is married. You will best help your situation by exposing the affair to the OM's W, if he has one.


You definitely need to do this quickly.

Find out anything and everything you can about the OM.

Pray that he`s married or at least in a relationship.

Expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend, don`t just tell her give her copies of the texts they`ve sent.

Blow this out of the water quickly.

Then get divorce papers working.

If you`re lucky your wife will wake up real quick and stop this bull****.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

Wow. Thanks for all of the responses. I definitely wasn't expecting what I'm hearing. 

Let me provide a few more details:

The separation as I'm told isn't maybe a separation that you guys are visioning. Our home is in my parents hometown. She will leave this Friday to drive to her parents home for the holidays. I will be staying in our house. She will return Tuesday. I am leaving Wednesday for business and will return the 1st. So we will see each other during this time period. I also don't think she will see the OM except at work. I don't know that this is a separation but more of a break. I don't think she is trying to spend time with him.

The OM: I know him quite a bit. He has never been married and he is a single father. He doesn't have a wife or a girlfriend of any sort. He was not raised by his biological father. He was raised by one of his father's friends. This friend is also the boss of both my wife and the OM. 

This is a pretty juicy situation, and I am starting to understand that I need to expose this to more people. I think the only people aware are my parents. I know my wife has talked to her family about our issues, but I doubt they are aware of this side of things. 

I can pull the SMS records off of her iPhone and get all of that information. I'm nearly certain that I can get more information from there. 

Do I expose this relationship to my wife's parents? Do I expose this relationship to their boss?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Before you go exposing or confronting make sure you have your facts straight. Once you know the extent of your W's affair you will get a better picture, including if she has any genuine remorse and what you need to do to protect yourself in this. Don't give away your source of information - you need to be discreet and IMO it is not unethical to be snooping right now because it is clear your W has acted against your marriage... once you have the truth and a plan, and after you confront and decide on R or D then you you can eventually be transparent about doing whatever it took.

As to her parents and the employer, these are weapons in your arsenault, expose when/if necessary, but I would expect that you will eventually use them. If she is unrepentant and you want the divorce you are allowed to tell whomever you need to tell the truth to in order to recover from this. Telling her employer may end her employment, and depending how this goes down it may be for the better (eg, if you R then no contact would mean your W and her AP could no longer work together, or if you D then who cares its her problem to deal with, her own consequences).


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> The separation as I'm told isn't maybe a separation that you guys are visioning. Our home is in my parents hometown. She will leave this Friday to drive to her parents home for the holidays. I will be staying in our house. She will return Tuesday. I am leaving Wednesday for business and will return the 1st. So we will see each other during this time period. I also don't think she will see the OM except at work. I don't know that this is a separation but more of a break. I don't think she is trying to spend time with him.


This doesn't change anything.
Why are you not going to your in-laws with your wife?
Where is the OM spending the holidays?

What makes you think he wouldn't travel to get in your wife's pants?

How does this change anything?

Your wife is in the midst of an affair and you are letting her leave town for a weekend.
Does that sound particularly wise to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cowboy,

You might need the 180 others have mentioned. There is a link to it in my signature block below.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I'm not going to my in-laws with my wife, as she has asked me not to go. I would be very surprised if the OM was traveling to see her, but you bring up a good point; I simply don't know what would be in the plans. I would be shocked if he was welcome at her parents home. 

I am going to begin the 180. It is time. She can decide what she's going to do for the holidays, but I will be at home. 

I'm also going to pick up a VAR for her car after work today. She talks on the phone in her car a lot. She will be driving multiple hours for the holidays, so I should know very soon what's going on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> I'm not going to my in-laws with my wife, as she has asked me not to go. I would be very surprised if the OM was traveling to see her, but you bring up a good point; I simply don't know what would be in the plans. I would be shocked if he was welcome at her parents home.


He wouldn`t need to be welcome at her parents house.
A hotel room local to her parents house would be all that he needed.
Sounds extreme to you perhaps but I`ve seen it dozens of times on this board.



> I am going to begin the 180. It is time. She can decide what she's going to do for the holidays, but I will be at home.


Excellent.



> I'm also going to pick up a VAR for her car after work today. She talks on the phone in her car a lot. She will be driving multiple hours for the holidays, so I should know very soon what's going on.


Even more excellent.

I`m glad you`re not sticking your head in the sand Cowboy, I was worried about you for a little while.

I hope you find nothing on the VAR and the two of you can figure it out.

Keep posting.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Wise - but I would insist on going with your wife to her parents for the holidays. To do otherwise is inviting misfortune in your marriage. TRUST US!


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

Thanks Tacoma and Dadof. I'm coming around on this stuff!

The only thing I'm confused on is the holiday trip. I agree letting my wife leave for the holidays is risky, and I do want to go with her. The 180 would point me in another I direction it appears though. I shouldn't be asking or insisting to spend time with her. I can have plenty of fun hanging out with my family and friends here in town. 

If she does take me along with her, how do I manage the 180 while staying at her parents home?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

You don't need her permission to go to her parents. Come ON! Man up here! You are MARRIED TO HER! 

Don't act like a WUSS!


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Yes Please!

Pull on the big boy pants and MAN UP!:smthumbup:

You have nothing to lose, except your relationship! :scratchhead:


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> Thanks Tacoma and Dadof. I'm coming around on this stuff!
> 
> The only thing I'm confused on is the holiday trip. I agree letting my wife leave for the holidays is risky, and I do want to go with her. The 180 would point me in another I direction it appears though. I shouldn't be asking or insisting to spend time with her. I can have plenty of fun hanging out with my family and friends here in town.
> 
> If she does take me along with her, how do I manage the 180 while staying at her parents home?


I wish I could provide a link to a thread or two on this site that has a similar situation where the cheating spouse wants to take a trip without the loyal spouse. Its almost always to MOM & DADS! And NO! There won't be anybody else there.

Then after the brief "vacation", when sh*t hits the fan and the cheating spouse wants "space" and loves you but is NOT in love with you, or gets caught cheating, you find out that there REALLY was someone else in the picture when they supposedly was just visiting MOM & DAD! Believe it or not sometimes "MOM & DAD in-law" is fully ok with your spouse bringing someone else in the picture.

MOM & DAD IN-LAW aren't gonna be watching your WIFE like a HAWK. She's gonna come and go to do certain things, and MOM & DAD IN-LAW aren't going to think much else about it. 

Get the big boy pants back on and assert your MAN-HOOD. If she goes - you go with her, or she comes back home to divorce papers on the table.

This boils down to one thing: How much do you VALUE yourself as a person? If you don't, who will? NOT CERTAINLY YOUR CHEATING WIFE! Thats for damned sure!


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Dadof3 ON A ROLL!!!!

My STBXW/cheater even posted a pic of her with the guy at the bar the night before she left. I don't have access to her FB, and I don't care what the loser looks like....I have the kids and the house, she has him and most of the bills when this is done! 

I WIN! SHE LOSES! 

BE A WINNER, NOT A WHINER!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If you have evidence of your wife's texting, iphone messages, etc, then take a copy of those to your wife's parents. Expose it to them to help prevent your wife from continuing her affair.

And yes, also expose to the boss.

You do need evidence.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I am glad I listened to you guys. Last night, I ran a query against her iPhone's backup database, and I was able to find all of the confirmation text messages that I needed. After doing the 180 for only about 12 hours, I put my foot down.

I told her that I know she is having an affair, and she either goes with me or with him. If she goes home to see her family alone over the holidays, then I will begin the divorce process. She was shocked, as I think she was expecting that I would just lay down like I have been for the last six months. She asked what kinds of things she would have to do to earn my trust back. We talked about everything from opening up all of her forms of communication to me to quitting her job. She said she is a horrible person, and she doesn't deserve me, yadayadayada. 

Whatever her decisions is, I will be thrilled. I feel so much more in control of my own happiness than I have in a long time. I'm just ready to have a clear direction moving forward. 

I can't thank you guys enough for your help in support. This is happening very quickly now. I will continue to do the 180 for the foreseeable future.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

1 - No contact letter - written by her, sent by you
2 - Full transparency - you need to know all - who, what, when, where, how long
3 - Keep 180 up - she does ALL the heavy lifting

This will be most difficult. She was cheating within the 2 year "honeymoon" period of the marriage. This doesn't bode well for your future. She WILL get bored again and will go through the same stuff. Are you sure its worth the effort?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's currently in a defensive mode and is saying things that you want to hear. It's not so easy to turn off the love for another person (her lover) on the spot as she's is telling you now. Look at yourself; can you do that with her?

I note you mentioned that you only have been married for 2 years. She started to tune out of the marriage about a year into the marriage. You both should had been still in the honeymoon stage of the marriage. 

But since this is so early in her marriage for her to start an affair, it does not bode well for your future with her.

May I suggest that you seriously consider keeping your assets separate from hers? No joint bank accounts, credit cards, home ownership, debts, etc... This is a simple step you can take to secure yourself.

And expose this to her parents so they can help you deal with her.

No contact with OM for the both of you. He's scum.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

And, Cowboy - you deserve an "Attaboy"!

You need to think about how much you want to be her probation officer. She needs to understand that to reconcile - she will have to make your time as a probation officer "worth it".


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

As I mentioned before, she has been given the choice to be with me or be with the OM. I told her she has until Thursday to make this decision. 

In the meantime, do I blow up the affair to her employer and family. Or should I just wait to see what she decides? If she decides to move on then it is a moot point anyways, right?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cowboy - ok - maybe my atta-boy was a bit premature. She doesn't get several days to complete her decision. 

Whether you and her decide to DIVORCE or RECONCILE, the AFFAIR has to be blown up IMMEDIATELY.

Cowboy - YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED. WHY DOES SHE NEED SEVERAL DAYS TO DECIDE IF SHE WANTS TO STAY MARRIED? HELLO?!

The recommended communication for you is this: "I refuse to live in a one-sided open marriage. I won't wait on you to decide to stay in the marriage. If you don't choose me now, good luck to you." Help her pack her bags and drop her on the porch of OM. 

Don't yell or demean her. Just firm and strong, and decisive.

Hell, I'm starting to wonder why she cheated on you within the honeymoon period. Damn! You need to man-up and define your boundaries, then act when they are crossed.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

I opened up a xmas present early. Its a Cowboy door mat.

It says "place at OM doorway, so all that enter can wipe their feet".

I took it back and exchanged it for my pride. 

I think my pride will serve me better than the doormat! 

Merry Xmas


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

This just doesn't get any easier. I called her over my lunch break, and I said that she needed to make a decision now. She couldn't, so I said that her decision was to leave me then.

She begged me not to bring her job into this. I have emailed her boss and coworkers to inform them of her infidelity. I also have emailed her siblings and parents.

I hope I'm doing the right thing here. This is tough


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> This just doesn't get any easier. I called her over my lunch break, and I said that she needed to make a decision now. She couldn't, so I said that her decision was to leave me then.
> 
> She begged me not to bring her job into this. I have emailed her boss and coworkers to inform them of her infidelity. I also have emailed her siblings and parents.
> 
> I hope I'm doing the right thing here. This is tough


It`s going to get ugly Cowboy but she`s really given you no other options.

What you`ve done is take control of the situation back from her.
She`ll be pissed as hell but only has herself to blame.

You`ve simply made a move to allow you some self-respect and a strong statement that her disrespect of you has serious consequences.

I think you get dads "attaboy" back now.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Just saw the store sent back all the cowboy door mats to the "manufacturer". Seems they had some kind of defect.

Nice "recall" by the way, Cowboy! You are doing the right thing for YOU! We are proud of you!


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Cowboy said:


> This just doesn't get any easier. I called her over my lunch break, and I said that she needed to make a decision now. She couldn't, so I said that her decision was to leave me then.
> 
> She begged me not to bring her job into this. I have emailed her boss and coworkers to inform them of her infidelity. I also have emailed her siblings and parents.
> 
> I hope I'm doing the right thing here. This is tough


In the face of any complaints from her, remember where the blame lies. Don't be afraid to remind her that she wouldn't be in the position she faces now had she been faithful to you and her vows. Best of luck. You are doing the right thing. You are either taking the first step towards a real relationship with someone who truly loves you or you are taking the best step in re-claiming your current relationship.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Very curious, Cowboy - how deep did her affair get? All emotional, or physical?


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

It's tough to say right now. I have tons of evidence as well as an admission of an emotional affair. 

I don't have anything concrete to suggest that a physical affair occurred, but it appears highly likely. I found messages talking about them cuddling together.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Cowboy,

No reason to dwell on what they are doing. You can't control it, and you don't need to picture it either. Simply know that what they are doing isn't love, and the only love she has had in her life is you! She is the loser here......


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong. 

How much are you really invested in this two year marriage.

DO NOT intertwine assets going forward and untie all of those assets you can while she is still backpeddling.

Shut it down. Drop the hammer all the way


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

Thanks again for the support guys. Staying strong is tough, but I do understand why it is essential in moving forward.

I feel like I have everything invested in this two year marriage (7 years together), but that could certainly be me being naive. 

My dad is a banker, so I can begin separating assets. Which do I need to work on:
Checking account
Stocks
Credit cards
Home?
Retirement accounts?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

All of them and fast and repferably on the same day so she cant grab ANY of it. 

And be quiet about it until its done


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> Thanks again for the support guys. Staying strong is tough, but I do understand why it is essential in moving forward.
> 
> I feel like I have everything invested in this two year marriage (7 years together), but that could certainly be me being naive.
> 
> ...


When you do this make sure you split it down the middle.

It won`t be looked on favorably by a judge if and when the divorce goes through if you take more than your share.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Because the marriage was so short, you should take back all the assets (and debts) you brought into the marriage. And take 50/50 of all the assets you jointly worked in getting when you were/are married.

She should keep all her assets and debts she brought into the marriage.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea, pack her bags for her, if she isn't home yet, and if she is, help her pack her bags and take her to OM's place.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If they cuddled, and she cant decide right now, I would feel safe in a bet that they did go physical.

If you help her pack as suggested by Dadof3, dont worry about her. The OM would certainly have a place for her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> Thanks again for the support guys. Staying strong is tough, but I do understand why it is essential in moving forward.
> 
> I feel like I have everything invested in this two year marriage (7 years together), but that could certainly be me being naive.
> 
> ...



Everything, including your insurance plans, remove her as beneficiary from all of your stuff.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I think insurance is a little trickier for spouses - I've worked in Payroll/HR before and they usually require you to fax spouse's signature for changes in policy beneficiaries.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

Things I'm currently working on:

-Credit card is closed
-New bank account will be set up, so all of my income will go there.
-I am removing her from beneficiaries for 401k, IRA's, Individual stock accounts
-Locks will be changed ASAP
-Garage door code is being changed, and I'm working on changing the frequency

What kind of rights do I have for keeping her out of the house. Her name is technically on the house, so can I legally not let her in?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Call your local police department or a lawyer - we don't know where you live. even if we did, we aren't qualified to give legal advice. Just relationship recovery advice.

Where is she now? What time does she return home?


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I have nothing to add to this except :smthumbup:

I can't wait to hear that you've packed her bags for her and sent her on her way!


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

After our conversation earlier today, she decided she would come by, grab some things, and leave. That has apparently happened. Not sure when she will come home again. I'm she is either with the OM or at her parents. I don't really care.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Next step - get the divorce papers filed and served. Keep the 180 up. Resist any attempt by her to kiss and make up when she gets kicked to the curb. 

Move forward Cowboy!


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You're doing the right thing, Cowboy


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I dont think you can keep her our of the house so watch out. Also cops tend to favor the woman so dont let it get physical or giver here ANY way of accusing you of same. 

You need to get some legal advice on that one. Id say likely you cant.

Stay strong


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

YupItsMe said:


> I dont think you can keep her our of the house so watch out. Also cops tend to favor the woman so dont let it get physical or giver here ANY way of accusing you of same.
> 
> You need to get some legal advice on that one. Id say likely you cant.
> 
> Stay strong


If she calls you on it, play the 'lost key' or 'someone broke in car and stole garage remote and spare house key' card. Play dumb and offer to give her copies and reprogram remote. Likely just get a smack on hand and 'you can't do that'. That is in the meanwhile til you check the laws in your area. Once checked, follow them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

Just to recap the events of yesterday

1. Told her to make a decision to stay or go. She couldn't answer, so she is gone. She packed up a few things (laptop, overnight bag, etc.) and I haven't heard from her since.
2. She called me back immediately after the conversation and begged me (and I mean begged) to not involve her work. I eventually had to hang up on her as I would not agree to her demands. I think she really fears the "scarlet letter."
3. I emailed her boss, coworkers, and family to inform them of the affair. I was respectful in my words. I asked for all of their support as we work through this process.
4. Credit card has been canceled, bank account switches are in progress, locks are being changed. I am working on beneficiary changes, but that will require her signature and a notary, so that will take some time. 
5. One of my best buddies (groomsman) came over last night, we went out to eat, had a few beers, then we drafted a fantasy basketball team. Don't know where I'd be without some of my support structure. 
6. I've received a referral for an attorney, and I will speak with him today or tomorrow.

I do have some concerns about my safety. My W is certainly emotional beyond all belief right now, and the OM is well connected with a "bad" group of people (bar owners and mafia types, though I'm not as certain here). Is it reasonable to call the police and inform them of the situation?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a var ASAP and carry it wth you. Talk to your lawyer about your worry about his connections, but it's not likely that they will care enough to help him. They've no doubt seen crap like this verand over snd may just laugh at him for the crap he brought down on himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

She called me this morning to let me know she was still in town, staying at a hotel, working, and she was okay. She said she would like to come over and sort through our things to decide who gets what. She says she wants to be civil about this. She wanted to come over tonight, but I told her I will be gone (I have a dinner party that has been scheduled well before this). I told her my mother would be at the house watching over it. She doesn't want to see my mother. She said she would rather come over tomorrow night when it is just her and I.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cowboy - This tells me that you are absolutely doing the right thing - especially considering the circumstances of less than 2 years of marriage and her cheating. Take care of yourself and keep your spirits up!

Be prepared for her visit when its just you and her. Get the Voice Activated Recorder on your person. Three options here - 1 - Nothing, she'll do as she says and divide stuff, - 2 - She'll try to seduce you to change your mind, or - 3 - she'll pull a domestic assault & battery charge on you. 2 and 3 probably will run together if 2 is attempted and fails.

I think the Thursday decision thing for her was a way to figure out how to run the affair underground while keeping you complacent, based on your feedback on her pulling her stuff out of the house.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Personally, if she wanted to come over to separate things, I would have a 3rd party there as well for a witness so she doesn't try anything dumb. Any time alone with her in a private setting could turn out bad for you. If she doesn't comply with the 3rd party, tell her she doesn't have a choice. Have one of your friends over while she comes by. If she refuses to get her things, then you can pack up a few boxes and deliver them to her (with a 3rd party). If she continues to refuse, then tell her the division of property will be handled in the divorce.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Like JT2S's suggestion best!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

BTW, what did your in-laws say about dear cheating heart wifey?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Keep a copy of your evidence off-site, just in case.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I would suggest dividing up the stuff yourself. She might just agree with what you have done. You should have someone there with you when she shows up.

This should make the meeting quicker and less painful.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I've got my VAR ready. I will have it on my person when she is visiting. Do I need to have it hidden like a wire, or should I be up front and show her that I'm recording everything?

I haven't heard anything from the in-laws yet. I broke the news via mass email, so I haven't spoken to them personally. She told me that they weren't going to get involved though.

All of my evidence is electronic and on my work PC, so that shouldn't be a problem.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't show her it, or even tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> I've got my VAR ready. I will have it on my person when she is visiting. *Do I need to have it hidden like a wire, or should I be up front and show her that I'm recording everything?*


Definitely DO NOT tell her you are recording



> I haven't heard anything from the in-laws yet. I broke the news via mass email, so I haven't spoken to them personally. * She told me that they weren't going to get involved though. *


That is very interesting AND telling. You can see now why the Xmas apart was a REALLY bad idea. You will now have to wonder what she's been feeding her in-laws about you and her reasons for leaving you for another man.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I haven't heard anything from the in-laws yet. I broke the news via mass email, so I haven't spoken to them personally. She told me that they weren't going to get involved though.


Don't sweat about it , she may say that, I assure you she will be the conversation over many a dinner table. She can skulk but she can't hide.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I got a chance to speak with a lawyer this afternoon about the divorce filings, and I got some pretty good advice. If she is willing to keep it out of the courts it will be much better for me, because I make a lot more money than she does. 

My wife keeps telling me that she doesn't want to go to court, and she wants to do this amicably. Tomorrow when she stops by, I'm hoping to get her to sign a piece of paper of things that we can agree upon. I'm hoping to keep the house and retirement accounts most importantly. I can't change the locks on the house legally unless she agrees that I live there and she doesn't, so I'm guessing that's unlikely. She is intending on staying at the house while I'm out of town, so he recommended I get her to agree that no one else steps onto the property except her. 

Here we go...


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Wow. She will get the holiday she hoped for anyway. The plot thickens. I think the important thing to realize, Cowboy, is you have your manhood and dignity back.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

The saddest part is, more than likely her relationship with the OM won't last. Sorry you had to go through this but you know what? she did you a favor and you didn't waste any more time with such a liar.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Keep the VAR hidden - if visible you will not get true event.

Seems she already made her decision on divorse - not even putting up a fight or delay......you know you should have someone stay over at the house (house sitter) when your gone.......if not make sure you store your important papers and computers with someone else.

Two things to do before you leave, 1. Take all her stuff out if the bedroom and put a lock on the door and the window and 2) Take down all family pictured and pictures of her, box them and put them in closet or garage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Keep the VAR hidden - if visible you will not get true event.
> 
> Seems she already made her decision on divorse - not even putting up a fight or delay......you know you should have someone stay over at the house (house sitter) when your gone.......if not make sure you store your important papers and computers with someone else.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I'm going to try and hit the gym before she comes over tonight, so I will plan on wearing a hoodie and putting the VAR in the pouch in front. 

Legally she is allowed to stay in the house, and she can ask people to come and go as she sees fit. Tonight when she is over, I'm going to ask her to sign a piece of paper that agrees to certain things while we're in this transition. I'm hoping she will sign over the rights to have anybody over to the house other than parents and sister. I'm also hoping to have her sign over the house, my retirement, and the engagement ring. No other major items to really deal with past that. 

It is a good idea to start taking down picture of us. We have wedding invitations framed and engagement photos everywhere. Those will all come down. I will also make sure that important items of mine are at my parents home. 

I'm off work tomorrow, so I'm going to head down to the court house to officially file for divorce. My attorney mentioned that it is more expensive to have her served with the divorce. How much does this usually cost and is it worth it?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> I'm going to try and hit the gym before she comes over tonight, so I will plan on wearing a hoodie and putting the VAR in the pouch in front.
> 
> Legally she is allowed to stay in the house, and she can ask people to come and go as she sees fit. Tonight when she is over, I'm going to ask her to sign a piece of paper that agrees to certain things while we're in this transition. I'm hoping she will sign over the rights to have anybody over to the house other than parents and sister. I'm also hoping to have her sign over the house, my retirement, and the engagement ring. No other major items to really deal with past that.
> 
> ...


Before you leave on your trip, make sure that you take and safely store any valuables of yours. Better not to tempt her or any visitors with anything.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Before you leave on your trip, make sure that you take and safely store any valuables of yours. Better not to tempt her or any visitors with anything.


Take time stamped photos of house. Isn't it unnerving having her in your space? I know it's weird.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cowboy: Any updates?


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

Update 12/26/11:

On Friday I filled out all of the divorce papers, and I served her with those papers that day in person. She asked to take them home to talk them over with her parents. She will be back tomorrow evening, and we will talk about starting to split things up. I hoping that goes well, but we will see what kind of advice she has been receiving. Currently, we're trying to do this without lawyers, court, etc.

My family and friends have been incredibly supportive. It's amazing the "jaw dropping" reaction people have when I tell them about my wife's affair. People are committed to being with me and helping me through this. My wife isn't telling anybody the truth. She is telling them we are getting divorced because of private issues in the marriage.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Much like my husband is divorcing me for "extreme cruelty and neglegent of duty" lmao he hasn't told ANYONE the truth about why I left him, and has pulled the "my wife left me boohoo" to get people sympathetic and on his side. Meanwhile, HES the one who is a serial cheater, HES the one who was extremely controlling and HE was the reason I had bruises all over me! The truth will come out in time and he will find that people HATE liars. My dad has finally come around and is beginning to understand the TRUTH, NOT the lies my husband has been feeding him for the last couple months to gain his support.

Your wife is embarressed for herself, just like my husband is embarressed because of his own actions. The truth will come out and people will understand who put the marriage asunder. Who held the smoking gun that killed the relationship.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

One thing that I am really struggling with right now is amount of information that I simply don't know about my STBXW's affair. I know about all of the text messages and emails, and she has admitted to an EA. She however has denied physicality, although I don't buy that for a second. 

Will she ever come clean with me? Will it help me move on? Do I really need to know? If they had sex in my house, I hope she has enough respect for me to take the bed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> One thing that I am really struggling with right now is amount of information that I simply don't know about my STBXW's affair. I know about all of the text messages and emails, and she has admitted to an EA. She however has denied physicality, although I don't buy that for a second.
> 
> Will she ever come clean with me? Will it help me move on? Do I really need to know? If they had sex in my house, I hope she has enough respect for me to take the bed.


You will never know everything. But you should know the significant things... like if they were ever physical. 

Have you spoken to the OM? He might give a conflicting story. Of course he also might not tell the truth. Maybe make it sound like it was more than it was just to hurt you or her.

Since you have no evidence, I would tell her that you want the whole truth now... if there is anything else, like the affair being physical then then has to tell you now. You promise that though it would hurt you, you will not used it as ammunition against her. If you find out later that she lied after this, you will divorce her immediately. Then you have to go with what she told you. She had to rebuild her trustworthyness. 

There is not really much more you can do.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I haven't spoken to the OM, and that would be extraordinarily difficult, because I would fear what kinds of emotions that would bring out.

There maybe a 1% chance of my STBXW deciding to reconcile, so I can't really use that as leverage to make her confess the whole truth. 

I am really working on detaching and moving on, but my lack of knowledge seems to be holding me back.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You may have mentioned it but is the OM married?
What is his profession?
Where does he live?

If you start laying out this info many here can tell you ways to make him regret the affair once your wife signs the papers.


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## lafatherandhusband (Jul 21, 2010)

this has turned into a REVENGE fest. 
cowboy - finding out the details serves no purpose other than to hurt yourself. throw the VAR in the trash. you are torturing yourself. she is sleeping with him. so what? is there anything you can do about it? NO. grieve. cry. bite a pillow. but MOVE ON.
you are wasting vital energy that you should be spending on improving YOU and YOUR life. the marriage is over. make the break amicable (as possible LOL). and close that chapter of your life. 
a year down the road you will look back and laugh at all of this nonsense. you will THANK your ex for letting you go and allowing you to explore aspects of life and TRUE love that you otherwise wouldnt have known. FTB.

as for going after the OM. it is another fruitless endeavour and serves no purpose other than to ruin a whole new set of other people's lives. it is a pitiful move and you are not a pitiful man. 

SUCCESS IS THE SWEETEST REVENGE. go out and find something/someone that deserves your love and attention. 

move on. 




GL


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

lafatherandhusband said:


> this has turned into a REVENGE fest.
> cowboy - finding out the details serves no purpose other than to hurt yourself. throw the VAR in the trash. you are torturing yourself. she is sleeping with him. so what? is there anything you can do about it? NO. grieve. cry. bite a pillow. but MOVE ON.
> you are wasting vital energy that you should be spending on improving YOU and YOUR life. the marriage is over. make the break amicable (as possible LOL). and close that chapter of your life.
> a year down the road you will look back and laugh at all of this nonsense. you will THANK your ex for letting you go and allowing you to explore aspects of life and TRUE love that you otherwise wouldnt have known. FTB.
> ...


u r wrong, its not about revenge.If OM is married then his wife deserve to know about this affair.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

vickyyy said:


> u r wrong, its not about revenge.If OM is married then his wife deserve to know about this affair.


**** it, I don`t see a damn thing wrong with revenge.

You call it revenge I call it aiding the karma bus.

**** with me I **** with you.

My wife ever cheats she`s gone but the OM is going to regret the day he laid eyes on her if I can make it so.

I can`t think of any reason not to.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You may have mentioned it but is the OM married?
> What is his profession?
> Where does he live?
> 
> If you start laying out this info many here can tell you ways to make him regret the affair once your wife signs the papers.


The OM isn't married. He has a 4 year old son out of wedlock. He works with my wife as an event catering coordinator (wedding planner essentially). My wife and him share the same boss. Their boss happened to have raised the OM growing up. He lives in the same city as me, and I know the area he lives in but not the exact house.



lafatherandhusband said:


> this has turned into a REVENGE fest.
> cowboy - finding out the details serves no purpose other than to hurt yourself. throw the VAR in the trash. you are torturing yourself. she is sleeping with him. so what? is there anything you can do about it? NO. grieve. cry. bite a pillow. but MOVE ON.
> you are wasting vital energy that you should be spending on improving YOU and YOUR life. the marriage is over. make the break amicable (as possible LOL). and close that chapter of your life.
> a year down the road you will look back and laugh at all of this nonsense. you will THANK your ex for letting you go and allowing you to explore aspects of life and TRUE love that you otherwise wouldnt have known. FTB.
> ...


You're probably right about this, and I am doing my best to move on to bigger and better things, but it's hard. I'm preaching to the choir here when I say that.


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## lafatherandhusband (Jul 21, 2010)

vickyyy said:


> u r wrong, its not about revenge.If OM is married then his wife deserve to know about this affair.


perhaps that is true, but for cowboy to do it wouldn't be an altruistic way of doing things. it would be as a vindictive action against the OM, not to actually help the wife out. 

people - bitterness poisons no one but yourself.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

everyone is entitled to their opinions. You know, I once heard that opinions and butts had something in common - everyone has one, and they all smell!

we recommend the standard approach (as has been tried time and again on this forum) as it seems to result in the most consistent set of results.


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## lafatherandhusband (Jul 21, 2010)

Dadof3 said:


> everyone is entitled to their opinions. You know, I once heard that opinions and butts had something in common - everyone has one, and they all smell!
> 
> we recommend the standard approach (as has been tried time and again on this forum) as it seems to result in the most consistent set of results.


dang! what IS the "standard approach"? i have been in the dark where that is concerned.

please don't tell me it involves VAR's.....LOL


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lafatherandhusband said:


> dang! what IS the "standard approach"? i have been in the dark where that is concerned.
> 
> please don't tell me it involves VAR's.....LOL


The recommende standard approach is to expose the affair to everyone.

Friends, family, employer, and most especially the OM's wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yeah, I wonder how the business owner would react to you announcing to the world that two of his employees in the "wedding business" are actually cheating sleaze balls who have caused a marriage to break up?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Yeah, I wonder how the business owner would react to you announcing to the world that two of his employees in the "wedding business" are actually cheating sleaze balls who have caused a marriage to break up?


:iagree:

If a few of the clients get to hear of this why would they choose the company.


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## lafatherandhusband (Jul 21, 2010)

tacoma said:


> The recommende standard approach is to expose the affair to everyone.
> 
> Friends, family, employer, and most especially the OM's wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i guess i take a different approach. i am older and less impulsive and not as angry as i used to be. i still don't see the use of going around and telling everyone, facebooking, spying, blah blah blah...
its a "what is my time worth?" and "what will be accomplished by my efforts?" equation. my thought is that what is done is done. enough hurt/destruction has occurred and i certainly don't need to create even MORE collateral damage. no one's BOSS needs to know that his employee cheated. that is plain petty and vindictive. it may give the person telling on the OM TEMPORARY satisfaction, but it serves NO PURPOSE other than to waste energy and time.

call me crazy, but i have better things to do (like move on with my life and let fate deal with my EX and her OM). LIFE IS TOO SHORT...


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Wow Cowboy, you are doing really, really well. 



Cowboy said:


> There maybe a 1% chance of my STBXW deciding to reconcile, so I can't really use that as leverage to make her confess the whole truth.


This is really early in the game, after a couple of months of being away from you, she'll most likely try to R or at least hint around it. It takes a good 6 weeks or so for them to defuse the negative feelings they have of you once you separate. That's when they start to doubt themselves, especially if it looks like you'll do better without them.

You haven't even started on the rollercoaster yet.



> I am really working on detaching and moving on, but my lack of knowledge seems to be holding me back.


You'll get your answers one day, be patient. Many times its from the WS when they try to R down the road and they start confessing everything so you'll have a clean slate. One way or another you'll find out so don't be too concerned. You are justified in what you are doing know with the info you already have.

Start ignoring her when possible and be as cold and unemotional as you can when dealing with her. Believe me, she ain't happy right now and with all this stress is will also damper her A as well.

Keep trucking forward, I'd give it 2 or 3 months before she tries to put the brakes on. Hopefully by then you will have detached enough that you can decide whether you want to entertain a R or not. It has to be on your terms if an R was to ever work.

Good luck, you are doing what I wish I would had done back in the day.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

In some states, you need a reason to divorce. If you want to divorce due to infidelity, then you need to "prove" it, or at least have grounds to believe the A existed. It may not be a waste of time to gather infromation about the A. I know I have plenty of witnesses (and photos) of my stbxh's A which will help me in court, along with evidence of physical abuse. If you want to claim something in court, you need proof.

Also comes to mind the "peace of mind". If knowing as much as you can about the A helps you move on, you should follow it until your own need-to-know is either satisfied or you just don't care anymore. It doesn't mean obsess over it, and its not vengeful. Sometimes you just have to make peace with the fact that it happened, and knowing the ins and outs of it can help your move on.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

Update: Things continue to progress really well. I spent the last 4 days in New York City with a group of 4 of my best friends. I had an outstanding time, and I took some big steps towards moving on. I really worked on being my outgoing self, talking to lots of girls, and really embracing my confidence.

She came over today, and we divided all of our belongings (furniture, electronics, etc.). That went really well, and we are just $4000 apart on buying her out of the house. I was detached and not bitter. She is using a paralegal to help with the paperwork, but she isn't expecting me to assist with paying those fees. We should be able to get the 90 day waiting period waived, so this divorce could be finalized by the end of the month. 

She is currently staying at a friends house, and she is moving into an apartment on Saturday. She has asked that I leave the house from 8 until noon on Saturday while her parents and sister are out the house moving her out. I said that would be fine. Would it be better for me to be at the house? Do I need to seek any kind of closure from her parents?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cowboy said:


> Update: Things continue to progress really well. I spent the last 4 days in New York City with a group of 4 of my best friends. I had an outstanding time, and I took some big steps towards moving on. I really worked on being my outgoing self, talking to lots of girls, and really embracing my confidence.
> 
> She came over today, and we divided all of our belongings (furniture, electronics, etc.). That went really well, and we are just $4000 apart on buying her out of the house. I was detached and not bitter. She is using a paralegal to help with the paperwork, but she isn't expecting me to assist with paying those fees. We should be able to get the 90 day waiting period waived, so this divorce could be finalized by the end of the month.
> 
> She is currently staying at a friends house, and she is moving into an apartment on Saturday. She has asked that I leave the house from 8 until noon on Saturday while her parents and sister are out the house moving her out. I said that would be fine. Would it be better for me to be at the house? Do I need to seek any kind of closure from her parents?


It does sound like you are moving into your new single life well. Good for you!!

As for you asking you to leave while she has her family help her move her things? I would not do it. I would ask a friend to be there with me, but I would stay. That way you can make sure that nothing that you value accidenlty gets taken.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea - don't think she gets the right to ask you to not be present. Sorry. She's the cheater - not you.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

1/11/12 Update:

Still continuing on the paperwork. I am submitting my financial affidavit to the courthouse today, so that will be a big step in getting this thing finalized. We are getting closer at agreeing to a buyout price on the house. 

We have had very little contact at all, which has been exactly what I wanted. This has happened very quickly as many of you know. 

My friends keep telling me that she is going to come back and want to be together again once she realizes how bad she f'd up. Is this realistic? We are finalizing paperwork and getting the 90 day waiting period waived. I want to be prepared when/if she comes back wanting to R. I think I will stand strong, but if it happens, I'm sure it will stir up a lot of emotions.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Hold strong, never be surprised at anything. Get yourself some counseling to deal with your grief and become the man you always wanted to be! good luck. You did so good with such a bad hand of cards!


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

We're getting closer to getting this completed, but I got some advice from a realtor, and I wanted to bounce it off of you guys. 

Background: She is allowing me to keep ALL of my retirement funds (60,000+) and she will let me stay in the house if I buy her out of her initial investment. When we bought the house, she invested 14K that she brought into the marriage. However, if we were to sell the house on the open market and split the equity, she would likely walk away with 3 - 6 K. I told her this and she was obviously not pleased. 

Should I push to pay her the 6K, because that was what the courts would do and risk losing my retirement. Or would it be smarter to just cut my losses and pay her back the 14?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Here's the Q: 

How much did you have in retirement funds before you married her?

Subtract that from the balance and divide by half. That's what she MIGHT get in a court of law (plus the $14K (which is now $6K)). 

So assuming you saved ALL $60K during the marriage.

Likelihood is she'll get half the equity remaining on sale of home ($3 - 6 K) plus $30K.

You do the math. You can pay her $14K or $33 - 36K. Sounds like a bargain to me!


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## devotedtomywife (Jan 13, 2012)

Dadof3 said:


> Cowboy!
> 
> Wow! Your W is feeding you the cheaters script! Read some other of the threads on here. You will find that there is a common pattern with cheaters.
> 
> ...


If you follow this advice, you will end up divorced. Guaranteed


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

devotedtomywife said:


> If you follow this advice, you will end up divorced. Guaranteed


Quite possibly!

Or if you don't take it - cuckold!


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

I received the decree for dissolution of marriage yesterday. There were some things that I wasn't pleased about, but I talked to her calmly this morning, and she is having those things removed. I think we are very close to an agreement.

I wanted to mention that there is a huge part of me that just wants to absolutely let her have it. I would love to sit back and tell her all of the terrible things that she did to me, and all of the lying that she did. At the end of the day, I know this helps no one. I am continuing to take the high road on all matters regardless of how difficult it can be.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Cowboy - so sorry you have to go through this. On the bright side, you have your self-respect intact, and there's always better women out there who are honest and faithful and beautiful. Go find yourself one.


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## Cowboy (Dec 19, 2011)

So I thought I would update everything...

I have signed my final decree for dissolution of marriage. We have settled everything financially. I still have an obligation to buy her out of the house and refinance to remove her from the mortgage. This has to be completed within 60 days of the signature by a judge, which is completely reasonable (although I will probably withhold payment until day 59 to earn as much interest as possible on that cash ) The judge denied our motion to waive the required 90 day waiting period, so our official divorce day will be April 3rd. Can't wait.

Now that we have signed all of the papers, we are meeting to talk face to face for the first time since D-Day. I really am looking for some closure as I am having a little bit of difficulty with moving on. I plan to be direct with her and ask first and foremost for an apology. I would like to confirm suspicions that I have had for a while, so I can put anxiety about it to rest. I will tell her how she put me through hell, she was a terrible wife, but I am stronger moving forward.

I really don't want to turn this meeting into a big ordeal, I do think I need it for closure.

Any advice?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My only advice is don't go in expecting the closure you want. If you try reminding her what a terrible wife she was she will either close up, go on a lying rant or get raging mad at you (ie she may make it into a big ordeal) very likely you won't get the apology you deserve, nor will you likely get the truth or confirm any suspicions.

On the other hand you may... just be mentally prepared either way.

ps I just reread this thread and Cowboy I admire and respect you for what you have done. I know it is emotionally not easy, and there may be times when you feel like serving the divorce papers sealed the deal on the end of your marriage, but she could have easily shown remorse and genuine committment to take the appropriate steps if she was sorry and truly wanted to stay married to you. Some of the comments, on this thread suggested going with a plan "A" type of approach and avoid divorce at all costs, but you wisely ignored them because having some integrity and self-respect is more important than prolonging a relationship with a checked out spouse. We offered you very bold advice and you embraced it and the benefit is you got through this quickly and with confidence. It will still hurt because you lost something so important, but know you have the strength to live life according to your own principles and values. Nobody who has been through what you have will doubt you did exactly the right thing.


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