# Trying to regain intimacy with my wife



## trevordcsd

Hello, 
My wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 11. We are recently coming away from having two children, our oldest is 4 and youngest is 16 months, and still breastfeeding. We haven't had sex in over a year, my wife has expressed that with breastfeeding she is not interested, but that if I wanted to become intimate again, it's on me to initiate. In general, we are very verbally abusive to one another on a daily basis, her more than me but I occasionally will also blow up. 
Here's the problem. I very much want to start having sex again. I will go all out, date night out, foreplay, etc. As we start to begin to get intimate, she will become verbally abusive while this is happening. And during the foreplay, I will for example go down on her, or talk sexually, and she will never touch me with her hands, or make eye contact. Sometimes things will begin to get going, but then she will say something verbally abusive, and this will cause me to lose my erection. Then she will pounce all over this, saying that I'm not a 'real man' and that a 'real man' would **** her with a hard **** no matter what she was saying or doing to him, etc. 
Maybe when I was younger, like 19 or 20, I could have went along with a woman who was talking down to me, and still would have gotten hard. Now at the age that I am (33), I just can't do it. I need some kind of intimacy or touch to get going. I've also tried to explain this to her in conversations during the day and it's pointless, as soon as I start talking about what I need emotionally and sexually, I get shut down. I'm thinking maybe at this stage we need help from a professional before we attempt to be intimate. Not sure what to do right now.


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## StarFires

To fix what concerns you depends on how far you're willing to go. I wouldn't be with someone who abuses me in any way, much less sleep with them. You have an incredibly jakked up marriage in dire need of addressing, but all you're thinking about is how to fix the sex department. That's a clue to me that you neither respect your wife or yourself, and women don't like feeling objectified like that. I don't know how all this verbal abuse began, but it's obvious that she's angry and resentful for some reason. I can tell you that she doesn't respect you or herself either, but a woman needs to be able to respect her man, and she needs to feel that he respects her.

Verbal abuse is emotional abuse, so the respect department needs to be worked on first because the verbal responses are manifestations of the emotional effects. She's really in a lot of emotional pain. I wouldn't doubt it's the latter since it sounds like her abuse and put-downs are her way of lashing out, a way to make you pay for causing her emotional pain. The clue to me is that you don't recognize what she needs but are focusing on what you need. We women get this thing in our heads that men are supposed to know what we're thinking, how we're feeling, and why. If you did/said something that angered or hurt her feelings, she expects you to know what you did. You can't read her mind, so you remain clueless of her unhappiness, and she then became angry that you did it, that you don't acknowledge it or apologize, and that you have the nerve to want sex. I'm guessing here because I know how often this is the routine but whatever the problems is, that is what you need to get to the bottom of, rather than focusing on your sex life. She can't stand the idea of you wanting sex while she is so unhappy. Your main concern should be fixing the relationship, then the sex department will work itself out.

So, if you know you need professional help, what are you going to do about that? Do you plan to make an appointment? 

What I would do is leave and go stay with a family member or someplace cheap until the problems can be addressed with a counselor. I wouldn't stay there with all that abuse going on. I think your absence will prove to her that you are serious and will also make her miss you and, therefore, make her willing to work on things. The possibility of losing her husband will either wake her up or make her happy that you're gone. You have to learn which one she prefers and be willing to accept it. It will bring closure one way or the other because right now, your marriage is dead anyway. But that's why I said it depends on how far you are willing to go. I believe a person has to be willing to lose their marriage in order to fix it. As long as you keep tolerating and participating in the way it is, nothing will ever change.


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## delupt

It is very common for couples to lose all intimacy after kids are born, and sadly very common that this never recovers and spells the end of anything resmbling a real marriage. Men naturally turn more beta-provider when kids arrive and women consequently lose all respect and attraction. And women having their hormones messed with, breast feeding, interrupted nights, etc. of course does not set the scene for a return to intimacy.

However, abusive comments are partner-abuse. This is catastrophic and obviously talks to something more fundamental than a couple settling into an intimacy-free provider partnership for the long term after kids have blocked it for a few years. 

Clearly something wrong under the hood. Easy to jump to conclusions (personality disorders, post-natal depression, cheating, abusive past, etc.), but too early. Councelling may uncover the issue(s) and provide a way out, and a referree to control conversations so neither of you can lose it.

You are in luck that you are trying to address this early (some wait decades or settle into it out of duty) ... but first step is find the underlying cause.


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## lifeistooshort

Can you be more specific about how she us being abusive?

What are some of the things she says?


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## SunCMars

StarFires said:


> To fix what concerns you depends on how far you're willing to go. I wouldn't be with someone who abuses me in any way, much less sleep with them. You have an incredibly jakked up marriage in dire need of addressing, but all you're thinking about is how to fix the sex department. That's a clue to me that you neither respect your wife or yourself, and women don't like feeling objectified like that. I don't know how all this verbal abuse began, but it's obvious that she's angry and resentful for some reason. I can tell you that she doesn't respect you or herself either, but a woman needs to be able to respect her man, and she needs to feel that he respects her.
> 
> Verbal abuse is emotional abuse, so the respect department needs to be worked on first because the verbal responses are manifestations of the emotional effects. She's really in a lot of emotional pain. I wouldn't doubt it's the latter since it sounds like her abuse and put-downs are her way of lashing out, a way to make you pay for causing her emotional pain. The clue to me is that you don't recognize what she needs but are focusing on what you need. We women get this thing in our heads that men are supposed to know what we're thinking, how we're feeling, and why. If you did/said something that angered or hurt her feelings, she expects you to know what you did. You can't read her mind, so you remain clueless of her unhappiness, and she then became angry that you did it, that you don't acknowledge it or apologize, and that you have the nerve to want sex. I'm guessing here because I know how often this is the routine but whatever the problems is, that is what you need to get to the bottom of, rather than focusing on your sex life. She can't stand the idea of you wanting sex while she is so unhappy. Your main concern should be fixing the relationship, then the sex department will work itself out.
> 
> So, if you know you need professional help, what are you going to do about that? Do you plan to make an appointment?
> 
> What I would do is leave and go stay with a family member or someplace cheap until the problems can be addressed with a counselor. I wouldn't stay there with all that abuse going on. I think your absence will prove to her that you are serious and will also make her miss you and, therefore, make her willing to work on things. The possibility of losing her husband will either wake her up or make her happy that you're gone. You have to learn which one she prefers and be willing to accept it. It will bring closure one way or the other because right now, your marriage is dead anyway. But that's why I said it depends on how far you are willing to go. I believe a person has to be willing to lose their marriage in order to fix it. As long as you keep tolerating and participating in the way it is, nothing will ever change.


Well said, we could not say it better.

THRD lived there in that situation, before leaving and heading for the stars.


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## TJW

trevordcsd said:


> Sometimes things will begin to get going, but then she will say something verbally abusive, and this will cause me to lose my erection. Then she will pounce all over this, saying that I'm not a 'real man' and that a 'real man' would **** her with a hard **** no matter what she was saying or doing to him, etc.


Wow. Just wow. I could never, not in a million years, maintain an erection through being with some woman like that. I guess I'm not a "real man", either, lots of people on here have told me so....... 

Your wife seems to know she is wrong, but is evading her own conscience by blaming you for her behavior. Saying "I don't have to change, I'm perfectly fine the way I am". This is Abuser 101. People usually need professional help to overcome this.



delupt said:


> Men naturally turn more beta-provider when kids arrive and women consequently lose all respect and attraction.


 @delupt is right, this usually doesn't ever change. It's a self-feeding dynamic, woman disrespects man, man becomes more beta. Woman loses more respect, yada, yada.

@StarFires has good advice about getting separate until you two can make changes.


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## SunCMars

Walking around on eggshells, with or without combat boots on, is not a life worth having.
It soundlessly hurts, or it crunches when you walk, having those manly boots on your feet.

Choose the pain from stepping bare-footed on love lost or choose the sound of love being crushed by your thick-leather life strides.

You cannot be intimate, climb into bed with an angry bobcat, let alone with your combat boots on.

You could wear earplugs, the small ones, in your ears while smiling kindly, while using your plumbers helper on her.
Unplugging her, while emptying your sanitary pipe.

Not hearing her, would that be sufficient?

She is verbally letting the air out of your peter rabbit, while you go down your wife's, your marital partner's....rabbit hole.

Letting out semen while she lets out steam.....just sounds so, geez, so damn sad.
The steam singes the rabbits digger, burns his, your soul.

I fled the scene, and went to the stars to escape.

Only in my dreams, only in my mind did I escape. I did the 180, flew to the next galaxy with my pals, my friends, one is a Leprechaun, a King of their kind.

Kind, yes, kindness is that, is what you ultimately seek.

Squirting semen into a volcano only produces steam, creates third degree burns on one's soul.
And on ones pride, and one's pressure relief valve.

Aye..





[THM]- THRD


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## Tex X

@trevordcsd - you need to read No More Mr Nice Guy. You and your wife need counseling ASAP.


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## ReformedHubby

If the OP wants to save his marriage I am all for issuing her an ultimatum and trying counseling. But....if it were me, I'd be looking to move on. Emasculating me like that when I am trying to be intimate with you would be a deal breaker for me. To me its sadistic, IMO thats far worse than just shutting him down. She is basically letting him get his hopes up and then humiliating him. I feel like she hates the OP if she is behaving like that. Not sure his efforts will change much.

A lot of men find themselves in this situation. On here we often advise them to read certain books or change things about themselves to be more attractive etc. etc. However, in this OP's case I'm just not sure the juice is worth the squeeze. Perhaps find another orange, because I see more of this in his future.


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## TJW

ReformedHubby said:


> she hates the OP if she is behaving like that.


Yep. Exactly. She is deliberately trying to hurt him.



ReformedHubby said:


> I'm just not sure the juice is worth the squeeze.


If this is how little she cares about his welfare, his needs, and his emotional well-being, then the juice is not worth the squeeze. The juice is rotten.

I stopped squeezing....I was fortunate, I had grounds to end the marriage for adultery. I didn't, but I stopped squeezing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

trevordcsd said:


> Hello,
> My wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 11. We are recently coming away from having two children, our oldest is 4 and youngest is 16 months, and still breastfeeding. We haven't had sex in over a year, my wife has expressed that with breastfeeding she is not interested, but that if I wanted to become intimate again, it's on me to initiate. In general, we are very verbally abusive to one another on a daily basis, her more than me but I occasionally will also blow up.
> Here's the problem. I very much want to start having sex again. I will go all out, date night out, foreplay, etc. As we start to begin to get intimate, she will become verbally abusive while this is happening. And during the foreplay, I will for example go down on her, or talk sexually, and she will never touch me with her hands, or make eye contact. Sometimes things will begin to get going, but then she will say something verbally abusive, and this will cause me to lose my erection. Then she will pounce all over this, saying that I'm not a 'real man' and that a 'real man' would **** her with a hard **** no matter what she was saying or doing to him, etc.
> Maybe when I was younger, like 19 or 20, I could have went along with a woman who was talking down to me, and still would have gotten hard. Now at the age that I am (33), I just can't do it. I need some kind of intimacy or touch to get going. I've also tried to explain this to her in conversations during the day and it's pointless, as soon as I start talking about what I need emotionally and sexually, I get shut down. I'm thinking maybe at this stage we need help from a professional before we attempt to be intimate. Not sure what to do right now.


Man,

Sorry you're here, but welcome. 

There is almost nothing worse to be around than a rude, smart butt, quick to call names and just unpleasant woman such as you've described. 

Ask her to move out.

Tell her you're separating, after you talk to a lawyer, and get free of this woma who behaves like a selfish witch.

She has lost all of her respect for you. You just pay the bills as her minion and work slave.

Take your life back. It will be hard but worth it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

StarFires said:


> To fix what concerns you depends on how far you're willing to go. I wouldn't be with someone who abuses me in any way, much less sleep with them. You have an incredibly jakked up marriage in dire need of addressing, but all you're thinking about is how to fix the sex department. That's a clue to me that you neither respect your wife or yourself, and women don't like feeling objectified like that. I don't know how all this verbal abuse began, but it's obvious that she's angry and resentful for some reason. I can tell you that she doesn't respect you or herself either, but a woman needs to be able to respect her man, and she needs to feel that he respects her.
> 
> Verbal abuse is emotional abuse, so the respect department needs to be worked on first because the verbal responses are manifestations of the emotional effects. She's really in a lot of emotional pain. I wouldn't doubt it's the latter since it sounds like her abuse and put-downs are her way of lashing out, a way to make you pay for causing her emotional pain. The clue to me is that you don't recognize what she needs but are focusing on what you need. We women get this thing in our heads that men are supposed to know what we're thinking, how we're feeling, and why. If you did/said something that angered or hurt her feelings, she expects you to know what you did. You can't read her mind, so you remain clueless of her unhappiness, and she then became angry that you did it, that you don't acknowledge it or apologize, and that you have the nerve to want sex. I'm guessing here because I know how often this is the routine but whatever the problems is, that is what you need to get to the bottom of, rather than focusing on your sex life. She can't stand the idea of you wanting sex while she is so unhappy. Your main concern should be fixing the relationship, then the sex department will work itself out.
> 
> So, if you know you need professional help, what are you going to do about that? Do you plan to make an appointment?
> 
> What I would do is leave and go stay with a family member or someplace cheap until the problems can be addressed with a counselor. I wouldn't stay there with all that abuse going on. I think your absence will prove to her that you are serious and will also make her miss you and, therefore, make her willing to work on things. The possibility of losing her husband will either wake her up or make her happy that you're gone. You have to learn which one she prefers and be willing to accept it. It will bring closure one way or the other because right now, your marriage is dead anyway. But that's why I said it depends on how far you are willing to go. I believe a person has to be willing to lose their marriage in order to fix it. As long as you keep tolerating and participating in the way it is, nothing will ever change.



Respectfully and kindly, I disagree with this.

Sex is one of the components he's trying to fix. 

I read he's been trying to earn his way back to a position of H and not third wheel, and as usual earning it isn't working. An overall H, not just one looking for a poke.

Now he's vocalizing "nothing works, here's a couple of the multiple things I've tried, now I'll settle for at least a little sex here and there, and now, asking what's up with this?"

A few episodes of blatant harsh words that ever included "a real man, etc, etc." in the bedroom would immediately be well, ok, your entitled to your opinion, don't let the door hit you in the a$$ go find one, starting now, and I mean right now.

No more soup for you. Have a nice life. 

Sometimes just best to not argue and let a person live their own opinion, completely, with all that comes with it.


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## ReformedHubby

StarFires said:


> To fix what concerns you depends on how far you're willing to go. I wouldn't be with someone who abuses me in any way, much less sleep with them. You have an incredibly jakked up marriage in dire need of addressing, but all you're thinking about is how to fix the sex department. That's a clue to me that you neither respect your wife or yourself, and women don't like feeling objectified like that. I don't know how all this verbal abuse began, but it's obvious that she's angry and resentful for some reason. I can tell you that she doesn't respect you or herself either, but a woman needs to be able to respect her man, and she needs to feel that he respects her.
> 
> Verbal abuse is emotional abuse, so the respect department needs to be worked on first because the verbal responses are manifestations of the emotional effects. She's really in a lot of emotional pain. I wouldn't doubt it's the latter since it sounds like her abuse and put-downs are her way of lashing out, a way to make you pay for causing her emotional pain. The clue to me is that you don't recognize what she needs but are focusing on what you need. We women get this thing in our heads that men are supposed to know what we're thinking, how we're feeling, and why. If you did/said something that angered or hurt her feelings, she expects you to know what you did. You can't read her mind, so you remain clueless of her unhappiness, and she then became angry that you did it, that you don't acknowledge it or apologize, and that you have the nerve to want sex. I'm guessing here because I know how often this is the routine but whatever the problems is, that is what you need to get to the bottom of, rather than focusing on your sex life. She can't stand the idea of you wanting sex while she is so unhappy. Your main concern should be fixing the relationship, then the sex department will work itself out.


I have never really understood this line of thinking. I guess I don't understand why suddenly a man's desire for his partner is turned into a bad thing like "objectification", and its on him to so somehow unlock her because he is disrespecting her by being sexually attracted to her. That's crazy to me, and not a relationship dynamic that any man I know would want. Most women actually want their husbands to find them sexy. They'd find it odd if he didn't bat an eye when they walked across the room naked. I totally get it that life doesn't make sexy time an option at times, but in a situation like the OP's this situation is his new normal. 

I honestly don't know why things shut down like this in some relationships, and I don't think most women are like the OP's wife. In the relationships I have been in the women generally liked sex, because they like having it. Sex is right up there with yoga, wine, and chocolate. So even if life becomes a bit stressful, having sex with someone you care about actually helps with that. It shouldn't just shut down completely. I think a situation like the OP's says how his wife feels about him in particular. I don't think its how most women feel about intimacy, and I am not even sure it says how his wife feels about it. It only says how she feels about with him.


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## 482

trevordcsd said:


> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 11. We are recently coming away from having two children, our oldest is 4 and youngest is 16 months, and still breastfeeding. We haven't had sex in over a year, my wife has expressed that with breastfeeding she is not interested, but that if I wanted to become intimate again, it's on me to initiate. In general, we are very verbally abusive to one another on a daily basis, her more than me but I occasionally will also blow up.
> 
> Here's the problem. I very much want to start having sex again. I will go all out, date night out, foreplay, etc. As we start to begin to get intimate, she will become verbally abusive while this is happening. And during the foreplay, I will for example go down on her, or talk sexually, and she will never touch me with her hands, or make eye contact. Sometimes things will begin to get going, but then she will say something verbally abusive, and this will cause me to lose my erection. Then she will pounce all over this, saying that I'm not a 'real man' and that a 'real man' would **** her with a hard **** no matter what she was saying or doing to him, etc.
> 
> Maybe when I was younger, like 19 or 20, I could have went along with a woman who was talking down to me, and still would have gotten hard. Now at the age that I am (33), I just can't do it. I need some kind of intimacy or touch to get going. I've also tried to explain this to her in conversations during the day and it's pointless, as soon as I start talking about what I need emotionally and sexually, I get shut down. I'm thinking maybe at this stage we need help from a professional before we attempt to be intimate. Not sure what to do right now.




Terrible blatant disrespect from the one person who can inflect the most damage on you. It’s totally unacceptable in any health relationship, just my opinion. Who is to blame and how to fix this dynamic is a whole new problem. Are both people willing to fix it? Do you see a therapist together now? If not do it ASAP, it will speed up recovery or demise, witch ever was coming in the long run. Also others have hinted at books and such. Do that work for you it can only benefit you either in this relationship or your next.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

It's an oxymoron. 

The W wants you to hold her as the closest person in the world to you regard, yet she can be one that gives a H the harshest words he hears in a day.

Go figure.


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## TJW

ReformedHubby said:


> I guess I don't understand why suddenly a man's desire for his partner is turned into a bad thing like "objectification"


It's because it is an irrefutable excuse, for which continuation of the faulted behavior is uniformly predictable. "objectification" is a way to blame the guy for the lies and fraud of the woman who married him for his "qualities" but was not sexually attracted to him, ever. 

The basic problem is that she does not want to have sex with him, but has to somehow continue the lie that it's his fault, so that he will continue to vigorously apply his "qualities" which she married him for.....when, in reality, the fault is hers. She should have not married "plan B".....but she knows that "plan A" had no "qualities" which he was willing to deliver...... he was allowed to "milk her through the fence".....



ReformedHubby said:


> and its on him to so somehow unlock her


This comes from that green stuff, the love of which is the root of all kinds of evil.

People who sell books, schedule speaking appointments, and promote authors and entertainers know that the vast majority of spending decisions on these items and services are made by women.

You sell a lot more if you make that evil, sex-addicted, moronic husband "the problem".....and gain a contingent of prospective buyers who defrauded their way into marriages.....


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## ReformedHubby

TJW said:


> It's because it is an irrefutable excuse, for which continuation of the faulted behavior is uniformly predictable. "objectification" is a way to blame the guy for the lies and fraud of the woman who married him for his "qualities" but was not sexually attracted to him, ever.


I hear you on this. I don't see objectification as a bad thing. I agree objectification when unwanted or in the wrong setting is a bad thing. But since when is a husband objectifying his wife a bad thing? I don't think all these billions of dollars of sales of lingerie in all sizes are because women hate being objectified by their man. I also don't think when men look at their wives dressed sexily that they are having romantic thoughts. Very pervy thoughts are more likely. I do feel like for men that a huge component of physical attraction is based on objectification, and in a consensual relationship I don't think there is anything wrong with that. 

Its why I get frustrated by the advice given to the OP. Why is it bad that he is physically attracted to his wife? That she revs his engine. On the flip side of this there are woman in the Sex in Marriage forum complaining that they have tried lingerie, sex toys, trips etc...and their husbands have no interest. Do those husbands need to be unlocked? The whole thing is ridiculous really. I'd wager that the OP's wife used to love it when he couldn't get enough of her. The bottom line is her feelings for him have changed, and him trying to fix it by apologizing for being attracted to her is completely ridiculous. He is supposed to desire her.


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## Lila

trevordcsd said:


> Hello,
> My wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 11. We are recently coming away from having two children, our oldest is 4 and youngest is 16 months, and still breastfeeding. We haven't had sex in over a year


Looks like your youngest was 4 months old when the sex stopped. Did something happen at that time to make it end? Medical problems she encountered during or after the birth? Was there a big argument that triggered her to not want sex with you? Did she go back to work? Just trying to figure out why she would suddenly quit wanting to have sex. 



> In general, we are very verbally abusive to one another on a daily basis, her more than me but I occasionally will also blow up.


FULL STOP. This is not about her but about you. Regardless whether your wife in verbally abusive or not, there is no need for YOU to become so. If for nothing else then think of the kind of role model you want to be for your kids. Do you want them to learn that verbal abuse is okay in a supposed "loving" home?

If you don't like the language she is using or her tone of voice then tell her so....calmly. Say "I understand that you are upset about something, and I want to listen, but I can't do so while you are being verbally abusive. I will happily listen to your concerns when you can do so calmly". Then step away. Take the kids outside to play. Go to the gym. Go for a long walk. Whatever you need to do to reduce the tension. 

Becoming verbally abusive in retaliation is the opposite of reducing the tension. It escalates it. Consistency remaining calm and follow through on the listening part are key. Unless your wife is mentally unhealthy (clinical mental health issues) she will figure out that verbal abuse is wasted on you ( because you're not there to take it and /or feeding her monster).


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## TJW

ReformedHubby said:


> I I don't think all these billions of dollars of sales of lingerie in all sizes are because women hate being objectified by their man.


Nope. They don't mind being objectified by "their man". In fact, that is the point of all those lingerie sales. They have a fantasy which is supported by owning the lingerie, in some cases "their man" is imaginary, "the man they always wanted". In other cases, they are "alpha widows", who, when they were young and had a high "SMV" (sexual market value), allowed themselves to be objectified, and are still resentful.

Of course, in neither case is "their man" their husband. 
.


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