# Did I Lie?



## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

This may seem trivial but here I go. My wife wanted me to give up working on pc computers on the side so I could focus on the family and get things done around the house a few years back. So I eventually did. Thing is she got more involved in online gaming and eventually addicted to one. This interfered more than my computer repairs. We talked about it but she didn't back off for a long while and still games today but not as intense. During this time and recently I worked on a few computers without her knowing. I figured if she won't back off on her stuff why should I. But my recent one I started feeling convicted about it. So to the point. I left work late the other day and on the way home I dropped off this laptop I worked on at my used to be coworkers house who only lives like 5 minutes from my house. When I got home she mentioned about me being late and I told her I left work late but did not mention dropping off the laptop for the obvious reason. Did I lie? By not mentioning that? I have decided not to work on anymore computers without her knowledge but should I reveal my passed activities?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Red,
I lean toward honesty and transparency otherwise why be with person you can't tell the truth to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think it's good you felt convicted about it ... if it's important to her, she would consider it a lie.. but too....I see your point in her then spending so much time on Gaming.... she was doing the very thing you were [email protected]# tit for tat......allowing something to interfere with your personal/ family time together...

Now if your wife if a reasonable woman and can see her own blunder in this, I can't imagine her flying off the handle TOO much over it... if you DO come clean.. but well.. you know her better than we. 

It's best when we can be thoroughly & unabashedly honest with our husbands & wives.. even when we screw up ! It really does matter in *how* we respond -often times to whether our partner feels comfortable bringing their "sins" to us .... so to speak.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Like SA said, her gaming takes time away from family too, and it's not even financially productive - the opposite, if it costs money to play. Disks, upgrade downloads.

There are few things more annoying than a hypocrite. Tell her, "If you're gaming, I'm repairing." When she goes to her PC to play, you go to your worktop and repair. When she stops, you stop.

If she doesn't want you doing it, all she has to do is stick to the standards (rules) she's trying to impose on you. 

A lie? It's a little deceitful but it was a result of her hypocrisy. She has no moral high-groud here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

I'm new here and I appreciate your responses and perspectives. Deep down I want to be as honest as I can with my wife. I know if she didn't comment about my lateness I wouldn't be sweating it as much but I did want to stop my sneaky repairs and kind of approach it like FD said.

We have been through our ups and downs like any other couple. I brought pornography into our marriage and was busted on it. Big strike one. But now it's getting better and I meet with guys at my church for help. I tried being honest with her when I failed at this and that didn't go well. So I just stay accountable to the men at church.

She says she started getting hung up in the games because I was unavailable because of my pc repairs. My wife is very smart and verbal and great at debate. Me...I hate confrontation and stink at getting my point across. This makes me gun shy at bringing up something like this.

My plan is not to sneak repair anymore but do it only in the open. I will eventually in the future bring up my past repairs and leave it to her to ask questions.

The reason this bothers me so much is because I have always been truthful when she asked about something. This wasn't really her asking why I was late it was a comment I felt compelled to give the main reason which was leaving work 20 minutes late. If I had not left late she wouldn't have noticed because where I dropped the laptop off is like 5 min from our house. Just wasn't ready to get into the sereat pc repair thingy.

Well enough of sounding crazy. Thanks for helping me think this through.


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's best when we can be thoroughly & unabashedly honest with our husbands & wives.. even when we screw up ! It really does matter in *how* we respond -often times to whether our partner feels comfortable bringing their "sins" to us .... so to speak.


This is one of my issues. She will "strongly" give her opion when I confess something to her and kind of make me feel like a reprimanded child and I will regret bringing issues up. But this is mostly my problem in not being strong enough to not take it personally and realize this is how she deals with crap I bring her. But it does make me drag my feet on bringing up sensitive issues or not at all.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why would you lie? Tell her if she's going to spend all her time playing her game you'll spend your time working on computers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

I don't want to lie. I will eventually share my secret pc repairs with her but in a way that makes sense and the time is right. My real delima was did I lie by not including in my being late the quick drop off of the laptop. I'm pretty sure it's called a lie of omission. But even that has different interpretations concerning intent. After all she didn't even ask me why I was late she just said.."you were late today" and I gave her the main reason why I was. Not even sure that was nessasary.

But yes. The next time I work on a pc it will be in the open and that will probably lead to what you are saying I should do but my wife has gotten better about the gaming. She is exercising more and losing weight and I really don't want to discourage her by this.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

RedBubba said:


> This is one of my issues. She will "strongly" give her opion when I confess something to her and kind of make me feel like a reprimanded child and I will regret bringing issues up. But this is mostly my problem in not being strong enough to not take it personally and realize this is how she deals with crap I bring her. But it does make me drag my feet on bringing up sensitive issues or not at all.


Be careful, by you not talking about it, it may lead to resentment. 

In a relationship, each person's emotions and views should be express.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

If you have to ask, "Was it a lie?" -- then it was a lie, and you know it. Was it the biggest lie ever, dealbreaker, massive issue kind of a lie? No. Would you see it as a lie ifit were a reverse situation? Yes.

Which is why you should tell her, AND tell her exactly why you DIDN'T tell her before she gets into her reprimanding you like a child. Because that is your real issue here, the way you treat each other, and it needs to be addressed non-confrontationally and like adults.

Sit her down, tell her to just listen, be contrite, respectful, and direct AND get your points out before she stars talking. Rehearse if you need to.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

RedBubba said:


> This may seem trivial but here I go. My wife wanted me to give up working on pc computers on the side so I could focus on the family and get things done around the house a few years back. So I eventually did. Thing is she got more involved in online gaming and eventually addicted to one. This interfered more than my computer repairs. We talked about it but she didn't back off for a long while and still games today but not as intense. During this time and recently I worked on a few computers without her knowing. I figured if she won't back off on her stuff why should I. But my recent one I started feeling convicted about it. So to the point. I left work late the other day and on the way home I dropped off this laptop I worked on at my used to be coworkers house who only lives like 5 minutes from my house. When I got home she mentioned about me being late and I told her I left work late but did not mention dropping off the laptop for the obvious reason. Did I lie? By not mentioning that? I have decided not to work on anymore computers without her knowledge but should I reveal my passed activities?


Not sure you lied. But you are feeling bad you didn't tell her. That's why you asked. I'd just at this point not hold anything from her.


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

Rooster2014 said:


> Not sure you lied. But you are feeling bad you didn't tell her. That's why you asked. I'd just at this point not hold anything from her.


See this is what I'm leaning towards but that's my avoid confrontation at all cost side talking.


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

2xloser said:


> If you have to ask, "Was it a lie?" -- then it was a lie, and you know it. Was it the biggest lie ever, dealbreaker, massive issue kind of a lie? No. Would you see it as a lie ifit were a reverse situation? Yes.
> 
> Which is why you should tell her, AND tell her exactly why you DIDN'T tell her before she gets into her reprimanding you like a child. Because that is your real issue here, the way you treat each other, and it needs to be addressed non-confrontationally and like adults.
> 
> Sit her down, tell her to just listen, be contrite, respectful, and direct AND get your points out before she stars talking. Rehearse if you need to.


This is what I feel also..something was wrong with my behavior cause I questioned it.

Would love to play this out but I know my wife and my skills at this are terrible. Rehearsal would be in progress a long time and I have tried it before only to fail. I have seen my wife get into it with her sisters and others and its frightening. Don't get me wrong, I love her and we get along well but when there is a confrontation about this kind of stuff especially when I am in the wrong my avoidance issues kick in strong. 

Its like does she really need one more thing to not trust me about? Over some pc repairs? I am talking about maybe 4 over a 2 year period. I don't get any static over repairing family's pc's.

I really appreciate the feed back. You all are great and I have mauled over this site before and found helpful info so that's why I joined to get help sorting this out. But trust me, I have so much more that needs sorting out so looking forward to exchanging ideas with you all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The issues in your marriage are VERY SMALL compared to many .. sounds you are afraid she is going to put you in the dog house so to speak if you come clean...









Yeah.. this is a common issue.. it's WHY so many start down the "white lying" path and remain there ...while the intimacy is not what it COULD be ...if you & she could just share freely....and give that understanding... work together, BE accountable to each other. 

Personality wise...the way you described your wife & yourself....sounds an awful lot like my H & myself..... I am the debater / assertive / always have an opinion.... and he is more passive.. (oh he has his opinions too, but I am more forthcoming with mine.. I often seek to *know* his)...

Yrs back...he hid Playboy bunny folders on his computer knowing I would frown on that -(Putting him in that doghouse !).... but ya know.. he's a good man... and those things... HOW VERY SMALL they were.. as it never affected our sex life. (I realize not all porn issues are this innocent though!)

Not sure HOW your wife is .... but Transparency is very very very important* TO ME*...what I term a "Willing Transparency".. nothing forced/ demanded ...just how WE WANT to be with each other.. it's a mutually "giving" thing.. it sounds YOU WANT this, or would choose this... *but you fear her reactions if you try to go there*... so you are being cautious right now. .. this surely makes sense... but it's something worthwhile to seek .. 

I described how this is supposed to work -on my Transparency Thread 



> This is about being * Genuinely Authentic*, NO MASKS.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sounds you both are trying to clean up your act in ways to bring more intimacy to the marriage.. that's wonderful !..:smthumbup:.. I think your wife would do well to understand her reactions in the past, when you have tried to owe up, even seeking that "accountability"...have made this difficult for you....you could even start a conversation like this...to ease into it.... 

At the end of the day... wouldn't she prefer your honesty....None of us are perfect.. we do mess up from time to time.. ... Being able to come to each other, working through whatever it is.. together...this will go a long way.. I wish you well.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree with SA that secrets are detrimental to a marriage.

I am a big transparency advocate. But even I hold back sometimes, knowing something I think or feel is not very kind in some way, yet feeling I should share it.

So this morning I told my husband I wanted to tell him something that I thought was not very nice, but I felt he should know. He listened calmly and patiently, and considered what I said. We discussed it. He added a thought, very humbly, and I considered it. And now the issue does not bother me, though it had been in my mind for a few weeks before.

I understand that your wife is unlikely to be as understanding as my husband. But I hope you will consider, if not telling her, at least sharing with her how you would like to feel comfortable doing so, but are not.


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

SA all that you have shared is very insightful and rings true. My wife has said before she hopes that I can feel comfortable to come to her and share anything. And I have shared with her in the most cautious way that it is hard sometimes because of her response and demeanor when I have. But she doesn't see how she is being that way and I can't change how she responds.

She reassures me she can take whatever I bring her. i just have to man up and not let her reactions discourage me from that transparency.

jld I would like us to get to that kind of sharing.

Question. How many times does your husbands bring issues to you wives to clear up something on their minds? Or is it more you?

Reason I ask cause I know us men will usually wait till something hits crisis level before we feel a need to have a heart to heart.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am usually bringing things to him. I try not to wait to long, and I try to just be as blunt as possible. Dh can handle it.

When he has a frustration with me, he lets me know. We try to work things out right away. 

There are some things that are unlikely to change, though. We adapt. I will never have his even temper. He will never be as expressive as I am. Allowances.

How about using "I" statements, OP? "I feel x when I hear/see y." How would that go over?


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

Yes I have read about using that approach with the "I" statements. I think I have used it before on less stressful occasions but need more practice at it.

I have read a bit on how to handle yourself with conversation and getting your point across without attacking the other person. Just lacking the confidence.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Then if you know you can't SAY it, then take the time to WRITE it, and close with "I am only too hapoy to discuss all of this with you, but you and I both know I am not gr eat at that kind of discussion, so we can only do so comfortably if you're not belittling and attacking me during that discussion -- you know, like two adult equals."


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

Something for me to consider 2x. If I do talk to her about this should I mention the words lie or deciet or secret? Can I just tell her what I had been doing and what happened that day I was late?

Or is this still not really confessing?

Also the other day I brought home a co-workers laptop to work on in the open. Two days later she noticed it and asked about it and I told her I was repairing it for someone at work and she had no problem with it


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

Not sure if anyone is still interested but I did share with my wife about the last laptop I fixed and that I dropped it off after work that day I was late leaving work.

I didnt use words like I was being dishonest and did her wrong but I was testing the waters to see how she would respond and if it was a problem I was prepared to answer any questions honestly but she didnt blink a eye and think anything of it. 

So I maybe was being over paranoid in how her reaction would be. I did mix this all in with a flowing conversation but..

1) I told her all about the laptop repair she didnt know about and

2) Revealed the other reason for being late which like I said was 
not the main reason for the lateness.

No questions. I feel relieved and hopeful about being not so shy on being more honest in future conversations and first and foremost..NOT DOING ANYTHING IN SECRET THAT I CANT COMFORTABLY SHARE WITH MY WIFE!!!!


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