# New Boyfriend Flirting w/ Younger Women



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

HEY! I have a story here and it's killing me.

My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 9 yrs. He's liked me for 8.5 of those years, but I didn't have any physical attaction to him. I knew he was the perfect man for me, but just couldn't find any attraction there that would help me w/ the emotional attraction. He chased and chased. We have gone to 100 dinners and movies together, easily. He has held on...waited....

FINALLY in March, I fell for him. AND HARD!!!!!!!!!!!! I am obsessed with him now. I don't understand it!!!!!! I think maybe because he hasn't been giving me the exact attention I thought he would. We've been together every single weekend since the beginning of April. He works out of state during the week, so weekends are all we have (except when he works from home every now and then).

After 9 years of him as a constant and wanting me....he can't tell me he loves me. I tell him all the time. I've not asked him to tell me...nor have I asked him why he can't tell me. But he's told me that he just can't say it until he knows he really means it. He has, however, told me a few times when he's drunk and we are arguing. But it's not a sincere, in my face, I love you. It's more of a "I do love you....but....blah blah blah."

My BIGGEST issue is this: He is ALWAYS checking out girls in their 20s! I just turned 50 last week. He is about to turn 49. I know he cares deeply about me. I know he loves me - even though he hasn't really said it yet.

There have been numerous times he's commented about some YOUNG girl (waitresses, etc). ON MY BIRTHDAY, we went to a casino and had the best day!!! Long story short, a friend of his met us there that evening (so he could introduce him to me). We should have just left the day/night to the two of us.

A number of young waitresses came to our table and he looked them all up and down. I didn't say a word. But this one that came up... he just had to make a comment about. He told his friend, "Do they not have to be 21 to work in bars these days?" Because I know him and the signs he's been showing, this comment to his friend really bothered me!!! 

Fast forward to about 30 mins later and we were drunk (I rarely drink) and having a great time. We were just standing by our table and dancing and laughing. Next thing I see...is him dancing away from me...backwards...all slinky and sexy...and he danced all the way about 15 feet away from me right up by this young girl. He stopped and looked at her and she looked him (probably wondering what this older man is doing by her).

That was the the straw that broke the camels back!! I had had enough of the disrepsect! After 3 months of us together and him making comments here and there about younger women, I let him have it. After a chaotic night of arguing and crying in our hotel room....he continuously told me he did NOT do that and that he was NOT checking her out. But I know what I saw. He always denies his actions. 

I know he loves me and is attacted to me, but given that he won't tell me he loves me and NEVER compliments me (I don't NEED constant compliments, but every now and then him letting me know he is attracted to me would be nice).

So I'm very insecure now with all of this. I was single (after 15 marriage) for 15 yrs and him 12 years (after 7 yr marriage).

I've seen a counselor because I'm literally obsessed about all of this and do NOT want to ruin what we have (outside of the flirting he does). He does not go out when he's out of town. We talk until bedtime every single night when he's out of town. I know he's not out doing anything, but I'm so scared he is going to go out one evening w/ guys from work and drink too much and flirt too much...and some girl is gonna come onto him. When he drinks a little too much, he seems to not realized what he's doing sometimes....and sometimes has "blackouts" (I'm just learning about what a blackout is when you're drinking).

I've let him know numerous times that him checking out chics makes me uncomfortable. He never denies it nor does he say he will stop. It's like a "take it or leave it" type thing. He PROMISES me he would never cheat and that he's NOT that guy. He said he would never put himself in that predicament to begin with.

I'm just struggling here. I know some women don't mind their men flirting, but those women must feel super secure in their relationship. I do NOT....because he does not give words of affirmation. He does give me his time (which is HUGE). His love language is time and acts of service, basically.

How do any of you deal w/ a flirting husband/boyfriend w/o it killing your self esteem? It seems like the society we are in now allows for so much more nonsense than it did back before social meda, etc.

HELP! My counselor isn't worth a **** in helping me w/ this. He just keeps saying, "it's the testosterone" and "some couples are okay with it and some are not"


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Couple things. He seems like he likes the chase. Once he feels like he “catches” the person, he backs off. Second, if he’s your best friend he’d know you’re upset and cut the crap. Third, looking is normal but commenting in you hearing, dancing into someone is weird. I’m 50. If my husband hit on 20 year olds he’d be gone like yesterdays garbage. So rude. I think you need to move on


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Oh and black out drunk? Nope


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Boyfriend=easy out. Throw this one back, not worth your time. Men who act like that insecure and you will never, ever be enough. That’s a “no” from me, dawg.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You should have left things as they were for all those years. Time to take a big step back.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Oh and “only insecure women care if their husband/boyfriend tries to pick up other women in front of them, humiliating them in public for fun”? 

Stop. No. No one EVER tells a man that objecting to his girlfriend snuffling around after strange is something he should tolerate or he’s “insecure.” Because it’s disrespectful, and no man would put up with it. Neither should you.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Couple things. He seems like he likes the chase. Once he feels like he “catches” the person, he backs off. Second, if he’s your best friend he’d know you’re upset and cut the crap. Third, looking is normal but commenting in you hearing, dancing into someone is weird. I’m 50. If my husband hit on 20 year olds he’d be gone like yesterdays garbage. So rude. I think you need to move on


I know. It hurts like hell. I just don't understand him waiting for all of these years. He cried and told me he doesn't want anyone else...only me...and that he chose me years ago. 

The fricking counselor acts like it's normal....it's just a matter of what couples can tolerate. SO WEIRD!

YES, he loved the chase. And I came on STRONG when I finally fell for him. So now...when I don't answer a call or text quickly...or act like I'm upset and don't talk to him one evening...he can't stand it!!!! One evening I acted upset and didn't say as to why...I wouldn't talk to him that evening...and the next morning, he woke up and hauled ass to my house (3 hrs away from his home). He was in such a hurry to get here that he didn't even pack shirts to be here for the weekend. He didn't even stop to pee on the way. He told me he couldn't get her quick enough to find out what was wrong.

He gets scared when I back down a bit. But yes....he seems to have some obsession for younger chics and I NEVER saw this in ALL these years we've been spending so much time together. 

Wondering if it's a midlife thing or something. What great timing I've got!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s childish. I’m guessing if you get serious he’ll cheat within 6 months. He’s acting like he’s 26 not 49


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

snowbum said:


> He’s childish. I’m guessing if you get serious he’ll cheat within 6 months. He’s acting like he’s 26 not 49


Really, think it will take 6 months? 😉😂


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

After all these years now that you decided you want him, he may not trust that. You essentially toyed with his emotions for almost a decade, being just out of reach but now you had this sudden change of heart. He probably behaved like this the whole time & you never cared but now you want him to be somebody he's not which isn't fair to him that you just noticed behavior that now you find objectionable. 

It sounds like you two were better off as friends. Sorry.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

snowbum said:


> He’s childish. I’m guessing if you get serious he’ll cheat within 6 months. He’s acting like he’s 26 not 49


I would say they both sound like 16, not 26. She gets mad and won't talk to him or tell him why, he gets scared and drives her 3 hours to his house to find out what is wrong. 

You both like drama. Enjoy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TXSDR said:


> HEY! I have a story here and it's killing me.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 9 yrs. He's liked me for 8.5 of those years, but I didn't have any physical attaction to him. I knew he was the perfect man for me, but just couldn't find any attraction there that would help me w/ the emotional attraction. He chased and chased. We have gone to 100 dinners and movies together, easily. He has held on...waited....
> 
> ...


He probably has resentment from when he was chasing you and you weren't chasing back. 

But basically he sounds like more of a chaser than a keeper so I hope you can kind of know when to let this one go because no you are not imagining his crap.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You counselor is right. Some women are fine with their men fooling around on them. You are not one of those women. Is he the one who said you were insecure? I was told once if I were truly secure I would understand that it’s “just sex” and it’s “different because he loves you.” What a load of redpill/MGTOW/NMMNG garbage. Nope. You have every right to set boundaries and he can respect them or go. Blech, you can do better than both these dudes.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Should have stuck to friendship only. You left him hanging so long that I think his "attraction" to you just became a habit. Now that he has you he doesn't really know what to do. Keep in mind that you've been in a platonic relationship with him for so long that has become the norm and he isn't doing a good job of transitioning to a romantic relationship.

Did he have any other serious relationships over those 9 years or was he saving himself for you?


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> After all these years now that you decided you want him, he may not trust that. You essentially toyed with his emotions for almost a decade, being just out of reach but now you had this sudden change of heart. He probably behaved like this the whole time & you never cared but now you want him to be somebody he's not which isn't fair to him that you just noticed behavior that now you find objectionable.
> 
> It sounds like you two were better off as friends. Sorry.


Sounds fair, but....I never toyed w/ his emotions. I never strung him along. I never lead him on. He knows that. I never gave him any false hope. Yes, he had finally gotten to where he accepte we were only going to be friends. I've asked him 20 times since April if he is resentful...if it's too late...if he would rather not do this. All his answers are no. He has gotten better lately, but the incident w/ dancing up into the waitress who couldn't have been over a day over 21 (looked 16!) was just weird and I wish to God I could understand his mentality. EVEN THOUGH...he denies it. He said he was just feeling the music and danced away. 

I'm scared, yes. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. My confidence is so low right now because of all of this. I have to build it back up and see if he stops his ****. If he doesn't, I'll rip away. 

I've never been in a relationship where someone didn't tell me they love me. He says he hasn't told anyone that since his marriage ended in 2009. I believe him. He's not been in any relationships since then. 

But the lack of affirmations is hard.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Should have stuck to friendship only. You left him hanging so long that I think his "attraction" to you just became a habit. Now that he has you he doesn't really know what to do. Keep in mind that you've been in a platonic relationship with him for so long that has become the norm and he isn't doing a good job of transitioning to a romantic relationship.
> 
> Did he have any other serious relationships over those 9 years or was he saving himself for you?


He didn't have any "relationships" over the 9 yrs. He had some one night stands - which he, of course, didn't share w/ me. 

Was he saving himself for me? Not sure about that...but he did kind of say he stuck around w/ hopes of that.

I do believe he has a lot of internal hurt and resentment over it. IT SUCKS! I have a lot of regrets because of it.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

4 months isn’t that long, I guess if you get to Christmas and there’s no sincere I love you, you gave some thinking to do


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It honestly sounds like he’s out for revenge because you turned him down.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TXSDR said:


> Sounds fair, but....I never toyed w/ his emotions. I never strung him along. I never lead him on. He knows that. I never gave him any false hope. Yes, he had finally gotten to where he accepte we were only going to be friends. I've asked him 20 times since April if he is resentful...if it's too late...if he would rather not do this. All his answers are no. He has gotten better lately, but the incident w/ dancing up into the waitress who couldn't have been over a day over 21 (looked 16!) was just weird and I wish to God I could understand his mentality. EVEN THOUGH...he denies it. He said he was just feeling the music and danced away.
> 
> I'm scared, yes. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. My confidence is so low right now because of all of this. I have to build it back up and see if he stops his ****. If he doesn't, I'll rip away.
> 
> ...


He doesn't love you. His actions show that. Someone who loves you doesn't gaslight you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Move on. If you were friends in your teens and now you’re in your 20’s, I’d say he might grow up. But he’s 49 yo and playing head games, exhibiting creepy behavior around younger women, etc…I don’t see the point in dealing with a guy like this. Put him back in the friend zone. Lol


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he loved and/or respected you he wouldn't act like a dog on heat. You aren't married, why stay with a man who treats you this way.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

As a man. I'm telling you. Dudes that wait that long to catch a woman are creepy. He got you, now he's off the leash that he had all the time he was around you. He's surely but surely is letting his guard down, and he's showing you who he really is. I just hope that he's just not being passive-aggressive to get back at you somehow, but from what you said so far, that's a probability. There's people like that, you know. Thread carefully, tell him your boundaries, and if he doesn't pay heed to them, then you got your answer, NEXT.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

What kind of woman jerks a guy around for almost a decade, makes him jump through hoops, then all of a sudden finds him irresistible? And what kind of an idiot a guy is that continues to pursue for that long.? I can only think of Jenny and poor Forrest...lol..

Maybe you deserve this treatment, in some cosmic way, I dunno...lol..

I don't have any advice...He sounds like a noob...Sure, young women are sexy, but a guy his age should know what the right thing to do is here....He doesn't....period....

Maybe you can train him, maybe not... I dunno....if he isn't wearing a diaper, you probably wont be able to change him..


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Getting drunk regularly and blacking out…..you place no importance in this, but place huge value on him checking out hotties. 
I personally think it’s no so bad if the bird lands on one’s shoulder, as long as you f do not let it build a nest. But sounds like he lets it build a nest. Just throw the fish back in the sea. These things rarely get better.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Dudes that wait that long to catch a woman are creepy.


This.

If I liked a girl I was hanging out with I would say, “Hey do you want to go to X on a date?” If the answer was anything other than yes then I’d be like oh ok cool. Then later I would go home and be sad in private. That was it for that particular girl.

The idea of wearing someone down over years for them to like you? Ugh…


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> This.
> 
> If I liked a girl I was hanging out with I would say, “Hey do you want to go to X on a date?” If the answer was anything other than yes then I’d be like oh ok cool. Then later I would go home and be sad in private. That was it for that particular girl.
> 
> The idea of wearing someone down over years for them to like you? Ugh…


Yeah. I think it's the thrill of the chase for him. And it may be for her too, because she didn't get interested until he stopped focusing on her. It's the Pepe Le Pew/Painted Kitty syndrome. 

Just don't waste too much time on it. Once it's not fun anymore, walk.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> So now...*when I don't answer a call or text quickly...or act like I'm upset and don't talk to him one evening...he can't stand it!!!! One evening I acted upset and didn't say as to why*...I wouldn't talk to him that evening...and the next morning, he woke up and hauled ass to my house (3 hrs away from his home). He was in such a hurry to get here that he didn't even pack shirts to be here for the weekend. He didn't even stop to pee on the way. He told me he couldn't get her quick enough to find out what was wrong.


Why would you do that? That's what teenage girls do. Incredibly immature. If he's ticked you off tell him! If he's made you happy tell him! Don't do...this.



TXSDR said:


> Sounds fair, but....I never toyed w/ his emotions. I never strung him along. I never lead him on.


Sorry but you did. You knew how he felt about you but you spent lots of time with him anyway one on one. Do you really think that never gave him false hope?

This is way too much drama, come on you're 50, you're better than this. Throw him back, cut bait and move on with a real man.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> This.
> 
> If I liked a girl I was hanging out with I would say, “Hey do you want to go to X on a date?” If the answer was anything other than yes then I’d be like oh ok cool. Then later I would go home and be sad in private. That was it for that particular girl.
> 
> The idea of wearing someone down over years for them to like you? Ugh…


He enjoyed my companionship because we were both single. We have a lot in common and got a long great. I can see where you are coming from, but I never found it creepy.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> Why would you do that? That's what teenage girls do. Incredibly immature. If he's ticked you off tell him! If he's made you happy tell him! Don't do...this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If he had false hope, it wasn't anything I did. 

There's no drama. And I only did that because he had upset me one night and I went to bed and turned my ringer off. It was better than me acting insecure and complaining about whatever it was. 

I tell him ALL the time how awesome he is and how happy he makes me. I build him up daily. I'm really really good to him. 

I have LOTS or deep rooted regret that is very painful...for all the time I've waisted. But I can't help that I didn't feel for him romantically before. I tried, I promise. Believe me...this hurts.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd throw this one back....he isn't relationship material.

This is a control/abuse cycle where he behaves inappropriately, denies and gaslights, and then freaks out and runs to your house when he gets a hint of you pulling back. I'd bet that if you try to end it he'll freak out and harass you. Probably get in his hands and knees, beg and cry and wear you down. Then he'll go right back to sticking other women in your face and the cycle will start again.

It's what abusers do.

Throw this one back.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Getting drunk regularly and blacking out…..you place no importance in this, but place huge value on him checking out hotties.
> I personally think it’s no so bad if the bird lands on one’s shoulder, as long as you f do not let it build a nest. But sounds like he lets it build a nest. Just throw the fish back in the sea. These things rarely get better.


He doesn't get drunk regularly. But he has gotten drunk and not remembered a few things. YES, that's a HUGE issue for me. And he has made a huge point to hardly drink much the past 2 months. He knows how he is. 

He is making strides to do better in different areas. This last week at that bar (and only because it was my 50th was I even drinking to that extent. I knew I was safe w/ him and we had our hotel room to go back to if I wasn't feeling well). I just never saw it going where it went to.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He freaking tried to pick up and hook up with someone 1:2 your age on your bday! 50 th at that! Screams turd. Cut him lose. He treats you like **** on a milestone bday🤢


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> This.
> 
> If I liked a girl I was hanging out with I would say, “Hey do you want to go to X on a date?” If the answer was anything other than yes then I’d be like oh ok cool. Then later I would go home and be sad in private. That was it for that particular girl.
> 
> The idea of wearing someone down over years for them to like you? Ugh…


Yeah, I really don’t get it either. Most guys know aren’t really interested in having close gal pals. Chasing a woman around four years while being “just good friends“ with her just strikes me as creepy orbiter type.
If I want platonic companionship, I’d much rather get it from other dudes.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> If he had false hope, it wasn't anything I did.
> 
> There's no drama. And I only did that because he had upset me one night and I went to bed and turned my ringer off. It was better than me acting insecure and complaining about whatever it was.
> 
> ...


Spending 1:1 time with him regularly gave him hope. Knowing how he felt I would have limited our contact to group outings and nothing more. It's the same as a man continuing to date/sleep with a woman he knows is in love with him, (I know you didn't sleep with him).

It sounds like lots of drama, and your post didn't read like it was just that night, it read like you make a habit of doing that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A man who doesn’t respect the ‘I’m not interested’ and chases for 9 years has something wrong with him. I think if you’d turned him down 4 times in 2 months, and then fallen for him he’d still act the same. 

Was probably the awkward guy in high school and once he actual gets a woman… he’s going to get his revenge. 

Is he a bit sensitive to criticism and rages easily?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

TXSDR said:


> I'm scared, yes. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. My confidence is so low right now because of all of this. I have to build it back up and see if he stops his ****. If he doesn't, I'll rip away.


Scared = desperate. The whole point of dating is to see if two people are compatible. If not, they should go their separate ways. But I see it here over and over again where someone is so desperate to get married or to have someone in their life that they ignore all the red flags. Then they show up here, crying about how their SO is and they act completely shocked that they could not change them. I know it gets harder and harder to find someone as we get older. I get that. But this guy is not going to change. You need to move on or you will regret it later.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> He didn't have any "relationships" over the 9 yrs. He had some one night stands - which he, of course, didn't share w/ me.
> 
> Was he saving himself for me? Not sure about that...but he did kind of say he stuck around w/ hopes of that.
> 
> I do believe he has a lot of internal hurt and resentment over it. IT SUCKS! I have a lot of regrets because of it.


Suppose your current BF wasn't someone that you kept in the friend zone for 9 years and you didn't know them until right before you started dating. Wouldn't it be a huge red flag to you to know that he hadn't been in even one real relationship beyond ONS in nearly a decade? He's a relationship orbiter. It is a really pathetic existence and I believe it makes him very poor relationship material. He's hung on through all your relationships over the last 9 years. Honestly, anytime you were in a committed and exclusive relationship with someone you were wrong to keep him hanging around. You knew he always wanted more than friendship, yet while you were with other men you kept him in your circle. That was the wrong thing to do for him and for the man you were involved with. 

Now you even think he has resentment over all the years of being your orbiter. Resentment doesn't go away easily, if at all. So now you have a man that is not real relationship material, has a deep seated resentment AND has poor boundaries with young women. Tell us again why you want to stay with him?


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

It took him 9 years? So he's not even second best, he's waaaaaaaaaaay down the list? I never pursue a woman for longer than a month. If she's not interested, move on.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Okay. Do whatever you wish. 



TXSDR said:


> It seems like the society we are in now allows for so much more nonsense than it did back before social meda, etc.
> 
> HELP! My counselor isn't worth a **** in helping me w/ this.


But don't blame "society", "social media", or your counselor. Look at the situation and make your call. 



> I've let him know numerous times that him checking out chics makes me uncomfortable. He never denies it nor does he say he will stop. It's like a "take it or leave it" type thing.


So you have both made yourselves clear! You don't like it, he says take it or leave it. That's for you to decide.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Thanks everyone! I know you do not know the entire story for the past 9 yrs and I only typed a short synopsis.

I knew for years that he was the man for me. All of my friends knew we should be together and his family knew it as well. Everyone was just waiting. It's just so odd it took my feelings so long to come around to meet his. I wish I could go back to 9 yrs ago and change it, but I can't. And for that, I truly hurt deep inside. Major regrets.

I never did anything to hurt him nor did I give him false hope. He even told his mom that since he and I looke.d like we were always going to be single, that she didn't have to worry about him when she is gone...that he and I will still probably be hanging out. 

He's a good guy. I think he's just seriously struggling to get on the same track I am on now since he had finally accepted we were just going to be friends. lol. I know...after 9 years that sounds crazy. BUT....he enjoyed my company and was okay w/ it. He never made any moves and stopped talking about how much he liked me many years ago. 

I think we can get on track, but I'm still bumfuzzled over his apparent obsessive attraction to younger girls (20s). Not saying he's not attracted to those our age. He asked me from the beginning of this new relationship we've formed to please not give up on him. I told him I would not. I will not give up easy, but I will not continue to tolerate his actions. So - it's gonna be a slippery slope. I think as long as we don't frequent any bars (we don't do that now), and just stay doing what we've been doing (at each others' homes, dinner, movies, shopping, etc....) we will be okay. 

Again this may sound silly, but I realized a while back that he does not know how to be loved. He even kind of admitted it when I told him that I felt that way. I say things and treat him in ways that he's never been treated, he said. It's just love and it's sad he's not felt this before.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think that you are deluging yourself. Obviously, you settled down with him and are OK with it. Nonetheless, the rest is noise, and excuses. He's disrespecting you right in your face and your going through the excuses to excuse him. Nothing more, nothing else. No matter how you rationalize it. The fact that you are here asking about it should help you with the reality of what your guts are telling you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

In 9 years you never saw him liking younger girls? Or him drinking until he blackout? What kind of friendship did you two have? 

It seems you both didn't really know each other that well.

To me, it's not a big deal if a man looks at other women. I realized I look at other men too! Don't everyone look at other people? I don't understand this. 🤷🏻‍♀️


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

pastasauce79 said:


> In 9 years you never saw him liking younger girls? Or him drinking until he blackout? What kind of friendship did you two have?
> 
> It seems you both didn't really know each other that well.
> 
> To me, it's not a big deal if a man looks at other women. I realized I look at other men too! Don't everyone look at other people? I don't understand this. 🤷🏻‍♀️


He never ever stared at any woman around me, muchless a younger one. The most he may have done a handful of times was told a waitress at a restaurant "thanks sweetie."

He can look. That's 100% fine. He doesn't have to stare by looking up and down when I'm sitting right next to him. He doesn't have to dance up to one of of them all sexy right in front of me on my 50th birthday and then deny he did it. That was just jacked up and etremely hurtful.

Yeah, we didn't know each other as relationship material....just on a friend level for the most part. We spent one on one time together - we are not big partiers or ones to hang out in big groups. He's never drank very much around me either. Maybe once did he even act kind of silly when we were out watching a band play. Other than that...a couple of beers at a restaurant. He has been in my pool many of times and may have drank 6 or 8 beers, but never acted out of character. He also has diabetes now (as of 3 yrs ago) and I think the alcohol is effecting him a bit different these days (as far as him getting drunker quicker).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're doing what chump lady calls spackling. This guy is throwing up glaring red flags....you just aren't ready to face it.

It's ok, it's a process. If this is indeed coming from a place of resentment that means he's a nasty, petty person that's going to make you pay in passive aggressive little ways. I experienced this and it's no way to live.

So you're going to continue with a guy that you can't take to certain places because he behaves poorly and you're going to spend your life catering to his ego because baby is bent on making himself feel better by making you pay. Sounds exhausting.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

The ogling 20 year olds has nothing g to do with not being loved. You either put up with him trying to pick up coeds as a middle age dude or move on. This will be a constant issue. He sounds icky


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If he’s orbited you for 9 yrs and hasn’t had a relationship, don’t worry too much about him looking. It’s not like they’d have any interest in him anyway. Others clearly see something you don’t, or one would have come along in 9 years. He sounds like a nut to me.

I’d stop making excuses for him. He’s a boy friend. Are they that hard to find?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@TXSDR ,

A couple of things.

1) You aren't a kid anymore so you don't need to act like high school anymore. You are a fully grown, adult woman. You are smart, successful, and have love and care to offer to someone whom you love. So act like a grown-up and not like this is a high-school dating drama. If he is choosing to flirt with 20yo, you aren't kidnapped--you are free to make choices too, based on how you feel and how he TREATS YOU. Love isn't a feeling (like butterflies in the stomach)--it is an ACTION. So look at his actions. Does he act like he loves you? Does he treat you like he cares? Or does he seek attention from others and act like he doesn't care how it affects you? Make your mature decision based on THAT!

2) Your BF is also a fully grown, adult man. He is his own person and may lust after and flirt with anyone he wants (you included). So stop trying to "make him" say I love you or focus on you instead of the 20yo. Let him choose what he wants to do, and allow him to experience the cost of his choice and the benefit of his choice. He can choose to keep on being as he is, and the cost is that he doesn't get to be with you! Easy! 

Now I'm not saying "give up on him." I am saying "Stop approaching this like a teenagers and start approaching this like a secure, mature woman." Just leave him alone and let him do what he wants to do and is going to do. Then make your decisions based on how he chose to act. 

My Beloved Hubby and I are both 60yo this year. When we were dating, I had moments of insecurity because that's kind of hard-coded into me...but I also am aware enough to know that's MY struggle! So I share with him that I was struggling and his response was that LOVE is SIGNIFICANCE. He can't be with me every moment of every day (even though we would love that!!!)...but even in the times when we are apart, he can act in a way that demonstrates I am significant to him. I can remember that he is NOT my ExH...nor my hubby who passed away...so that assigning their issues to him is not fair to him. BUT...he can act in a way that IS who he is and show me by his actions that I mean something to him. Right? Get it? We don't "make" the people who love us...love us. We give them freedom to leave if they want to...and they choose to stay. 

So let go of trying to "make" him give up the 20yo's. If that's what he wants to chase, he can have at it! But the price of that choice is that you don't choose to live with someone who would disregard you like that. Let him be free to leave if he wants to...and look at how he ACTS.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d stop making excuses for him. He’s a boy friend. *Are they that hard to find?*



If you believe half of what women her age state,.... ...._nearly impossible.. _😂


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You know when you’re with the wrong person, that when you’re not with them, you’re constantly analyzing them, the relationship, why did he/she say that or do that, etc…

OP - you never saw this side of him because you were only friends. Now, you see it and I think you’re hanging on, clinging to who you thought he was back then. But this creepy side, this crazy making /drama pushing side, is also him. And you are testing him by the silent treatment which shows how unhealthy all of this really is. I would end this - it will be way healthier for you in the long run.

And the short run.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So what you’re asking is how to be okay with it? I doubt many here would be willing to admit they’ve stayed with someone like him (assuming they have).


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> The ogling 20 year olds has nothing g to do with not being loved. You either put up with him trying to pick up coeds as a middle age dude or move on. This will be a constant issue. He sounds icky


This made me laugh. lol

He denies it and makes me feel like I'm crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like ------------ "Did I misinterprete that?" "Was it just a coinsidence that he danced up by that girl and stopped and looked at her?" "Did him telling me I can dress like a cute little ranch girl not really mean anything (I'm 50 and not super thin)?" <--- He was sober when he made that last comment.

I don't plan on us not bei


Affaircare said:


> @TXSDR ,
> 
> A couple of things.
> 
> ...


You are 100% correct! Thanks for putting it into perspective. I do get that. My heart is just hurting so bad that it's messing w/ my mind and I can't think clearly lately.

He doesn't have anymore chances. He's out of them. I'm not going to sit around waiting for the ball to drop, but I will be on alert (which I always am anyway). I hate it. I really do! He's been my constant and my security for 9 yrs and now that I'm getting to know him on this level, he has really broken my heart and broken me down. I'm still in somewhat of a shock, to be honest. Never saw this coming.

Thanks for your advice. I agree wholeheartedly.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> This made me laugh. lol
> 
> He denies it and makes me feel like I'm crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


He will blow any number of chances you give him because it is who he is. He's already 50 and isn't going to "grow". And it will also never work for him to go back to the friend zone. That genie is out of the bottle. If you keep him around as a friend he will have a negative impact on any romantic relationship you have. Not to mention it will be awkward as hell hang with him after you slept with him.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> HEY! I have a story here and it's killing me.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 9 yrs. He's liked me for 8.5 of those years, but I didn't have any physical attaction to him. I knew he was the perfect man for me, but just couldn't find any attraction there that would help me w/ the emotional attraction. He chased and chased. We have gone to 100 dinners and movies together, easily. He has held on...waited....
> 
> ...


He has like you for 8.5 yrs and how many other guys did he see you dating, or going on about while he liked you and he really did not exist. I 
In his shoes I would be thinking of you as a FWB. The attachment to you in the strong romantic way he once had it would have been lessened after all these years. Basically, what you feel for him now was what he carried for you for years, but was never returned. I do not doubt he cares for you, but it has been to long a time for you to realize what was in front of you.

Maybe not...just how I would feel in his shoes.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Maybe not...just how I would feel in his shoes.


Nonetheless, that doesn't give him the carte blanche to behave like a little teenager prick. Specially when out in front of all those young women. That's a level of disrespect that you wouldn't put out with, if it were your woman doing that in front of you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Nonetheless, that doesn't give him the carte blanche to behave like a little teenager prick. Specially when out in front of all those young women. That's a level of disrespect that you wouldn't put out with, if it were your woman doing that in front of you.


Never said it did and no I wouldn't.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

9 years in the friend zone huh? 😆

Yeah like others mentioned he needs to go back to the friend zone and learn some manners.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> He has like you for 8.5 yrs and how many other guys did he see you dating, or going on about while he liked you and he really did not exist. I
> In his shoes I would be thinking of you as a FWB. The attachment to you in the strong romantic way he once had it would have been lessened after all these years. Basically, what you feel for him now was what he carried for you for years, but was never returned. I do not doubt he cares for you, but it has been to long a time for you to realize what was in front of you.
> 
> Maybe not...just how I would feel in his shoes.


I agree w/ you. I think he lost that feeling long ago at some point.

I never dated anyone in all those years that he know of. I had a few guys that I hung out w/ a few times and tried to make something out of it with, but nothing substantial. He didn't know about them. 

Again - I think I waited too long and that's why things are the way they are.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TXSDR said:


> I agree w/ you. I think he lost that feeling long ago at some point.
> 
> I never dated anyone in all those years that he know of. I had a few guys that I hung out w/ a few times and tried to make something out of it with, but nothing substantial. He didn't know about them.
> 
> Again - I think I waited too long and that's why things are the way they are.


So nothing has changed at all between you both? Are you still together? Have you talked to him at all about this since you last posted?


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> So nothing has changed at all between you both? Are you still together? Have you talked to him at all about this since you last posted?


We are still together. We see each other every weekend and were together 8 days straight recently when we went on a fishing trip together. 

Anytime I bring it up, he just says, "You know I'm a people watcher!" 

We had a discussion last night because he told me 2 weeks ago (when I asked him) that he is not really attracted to me - but is attracted to what's on the inside. He went on and on how that is more imporant than anything else. Sorry, but that CRUSHED me!! He told me I'm not ugly and then he pointed out a picture of me and told me how beautiful the picture is and that "it's not like I'm not attracted to you at all." He's VERY confusing to deal with.

I've given him pleny of opportunities to bale, but he says he's not going anywhere and that I'm enough for him.

I am not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I'm not ugly. 

I have truly thought that maybe the time I took to come around and fall for him is what has caused all of this. He does NOT want to let me go, but he also has told me he is "trying" to love me and he's just not there yet. It is the most EFFED UP situation I've ever been in.

It's hard to walk away when I've fallen so hard...and since we've been a constant in each other's lives for 9 yrs.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> So nothing has changed at all between you both? Are you still together? Have you talked to him at all about this since you last posted?


Also, I told him last night (we were having a big conversation about a bunch of issues) that he may be a people watcher, but he doesn't comment on guys or eyeball them!!! Just makes me sick to be honest. He wasn't like this when we were just "friends"...but he says he isn't doing anything different now that before.

Not sure much more I can take.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Chased you for almost 10 years. "dancing into someone", "looked young waitresses all up and down" 
Pretty creepy and low education act.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Did you explode because the two of you had been drinking and the alcohol was talking? Both your behavior and his seem to be rather immature. How have things turned out sine? Have you been able to talk honestly about the situation?

About looking to all women, I am a woman myself.....be honest with yourself, do you look also? Serious!!! We all look and unless we are expressing what we are thinking when we are looking at another person we do not know what the person is thinking. I know I look and think nothing of it. Sure, I might be attracted but I am not going to pursue it. Do you think your boyfriend was going to slip this 20 year old his number and she was going to fall into his arms? Let's be real here for a minute. An attractive 20 year old comes along and he is attracted, very likely all it was. Did that make you feel insecure? Face that but blowing up? 

The man I call a friend likes nice looking women and we have talked about it, we are 57 and 59. I know he is a butt man so I have at times seen a lady with a butt I thought he might like and I will point it out to him. Just because he likes butt does not mean he is going to walk up to her and ask for her number and he certainly would not tell her she had a beautiful butt. I don't really have a butt, lol!!! So for someone who likes butt he actually did not choose me for my butt. We were recently out and I saw him looking at this gal, was not real sure what he was seeing. I did not question him. He whispers to me to look at the girl in orange and then he tells me, "that is too much." Establish openness, transparency. I am really surprised in all these years as friends that was not already established. Beauty is skin deep and most men get this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you are wasting your time with this guy.

Dude just admitted he's not attracted to you, and he's a gaslighting piece of ****...and yet you're still holding on and confused. Confused about what exactly? It's like you've just decided to cover your ears.

Please end this. Let hlm sniff the hair of 20 year olds as a single guy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> We are still together. We see each other every weekend and were together 8 days straight recently when we went on a fishing trip together.
> 
> Anytime I bring it up, he just says, "You know I'm a people watcher!"
> 
> ...


There is a reason he was unattached for all those years.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> There is a reason he was unattached for all those years.


What do you mean? I was the one who was unattached? I simply didn't have the same feelings/chemistry he did.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> What do you mean? I was the one who was unattached? I simply didn't have the same feelings/chemistry he did.


No, he waited 9 years for you. You said that you are his only serious relationship in 9 years. Why do you think that is?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The longer you stay the more difficult it’s going to be to end it. And you’re going to have to end it because — for whatever reason — he doesn’t plan to.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> We are still together. We see each other every weekend and were together 8 days straight recently when we went on a fishing trip together.
> 
> Anytime I bring it up, he just says, "You know I'm a people watcher!"
> 
> ...


He got to a point of shutting down some of his feelings for you and trying to move you to the friend zone. He may feel like he is a consolation prize subconsciously. When things did not work out elsewhere, and you are done with other guys, now he gets a chance.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> I agree w/ you. I think he lost that feeling long ago at some point.
> 
> I never dated anyone in all those years that he know of. I had a few guys that I hung out w/ a few times and tried to make something out of it with, but nothing substantial. He didn't know about them.
> 
> Again - I think I waited too long and that's why things are the way they are.


He didn't know, but a guy would have to be a dumb ass or very naive to think a girl spent years not hooking up with somebody.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @TXSDR ,
> 
> A couple of things.
> 
> ...



Agree..
Op took and learned nothing.


It's 2022 now, and they're still in this toxic unhealthy situation and op is still making excuses for him, and still deluded. 
Still wondering if he really loves her. Ignoring the huge red flags still smacking her in the face.


Oh well


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

TXSDR said:


> What do you mean? I was the one who was unattached? I simply didn't have the same feelings/chemistry he did.


Were you unattached, being cautious, or simply saw him as a platonic friend? Here is where men and women are different.....I have had platonic male friend relationships but have known the man would jump at the chance to be more than friends if I allowed it, meaning they are waiting for their opportunity to get me in the sack. Doesn't mean they want a long-term relationship with me, doesn't mean they are serious about me, doesn't mean anything except opportunity. They might like the companionship and the benefits that come along with being with me but that is as far as it goes. From what you have said here you are experiencing this type of situation and I feel your caution and hesitancy was for a reason. I think too, eventually you will again feel the discomfort that you had initially before you became involved. That same uncomfortable feeling is going to come back to you.


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## Dannyyyyy (4 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> My BIGGEST issue is this: He is ALWAYS checking out girls in their 20s! I just turned 50 last week. He is about to turn 49.


Normal for any man, in my opinion,

I am almost 50, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't gawk at a 20's something girl,

Hate to tell you this but, that is the age where women are most attractive,

It doesn't matter how old I get, 20 year old girls stay the same age 

I will be gawking at 20 year old girls till the day I die


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dannyyyyy said:


> Normal for any man, in my opinion,
> 
> I am almost 50, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't gawk at a 20's something girl,
> 
> ...


How does your wife react?

I have developed a stiff upper neck, disciplined eyelids and peripheral radar (mostly to check if partner is watching me) so I don't get in trouble.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Dannyyyyy said:


> Normal for any man, in my opinion,
> 
> I am almost 50, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't gawk at a 20's something girl,
> 
> ...


You married or in a relationship? Just curious.


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## Dannyyyyy (4 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> You married or in a relationship? Just curious.


Married,

wife knows i gawk, doesn't really mind


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dannyyyyy said:


> Married,
> 
> wife knows i gawk, doesn't really mind


I don't know whether to envy or fear that your wife stopped giving a sh-t lol knowing how many definitely mind!


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Dannyyyyy said:


> Normal for any man, in my opinion. I am almost 50, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't gawk at a 20's something girl.
> 
> Hate to tell you this but, that is the age where women are most attractive. It doesn't matter how old I get, 20 year old girls stay the same age
> I will be gawking at 20 year old girls till the day I die


Sunglasses are your friend.

“I get older but the women I’m attracted to stay the same age.”


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> Sunglasses are your friend.
> 
> “I get older but the women I’m attracted to stay the same age.”


Ew.

Public service announcement: 20 year old women think the 60, 70, 80 year old men who are "gawking" at them are pathetic and creepy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Ew.
> 
> Public service announcement: 20 year old women think the 60, 70, 80 year old men who are "gawking" at them are pathetic and creepy.


But I keep hearing how men improve with age.

LOL


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Ew.
> 
> Public service announcement: 20 year old women think the 60, 70, 80 year old men who are "gawking" at them are pathetic and creepy.


 I seriously doubt the 60, 70, 80 year old men give a rip what they think.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I (54) gawk at the park, young women these days tend to have the cutest dogs. 

I generally don't pay attention to the women so need I apologize to the two magnificent Rottweilers. Their owner's rack is truly impressive, and Mrs P agrees (we have discussed it, and both feel bad for ignoring the dogs).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I seriously doubt the 60, 70, 80 year old men give a rip what they think.


I'm sure they don't but it doesn't make it any less gross.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I'm sure they don't but it doesn't make it any less gross.


Fact!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In the interest of fairness 76 year old Cher is apparently dating a 36 year old guy.

Money talks in certain circles.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> I'm sure they don't but it doesn't make it any less gross.


So, when these 'women' marry one of these old farts it's totally fine as long as he is rich enough, but looking with an average account balance is gross.
If looking at women is making men gross. What makes that of the same women marrying the same old guys for money, only because they happen to be rich?
Just to have some comparison here ;-)


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Tell him that in an exclusive monogamous relationship, flirting with other people is frowned upon and that you will not tolerate it.

He'll tell you that you're controlling and insecure and yada yada yada (even though his behavior shows HIM to be insecure and controlling) but tell him nonetheless. 

If he steps over the line after you tell him, start emotionally distancing yourself and, depending on how things unfold, separate yourself from him for a few weeks just so that he sees you mean business.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> I know. It hurts like hell. I just don't understand him waiting for all of these years. He cried and told me he doesn't want anyone else...only me...and that he chose me years ago.
> 
> The fricking counselor acts like it's normal....it's just a matter of what couples can tolerate. SO WEIRD!
> 
> ...


Did he date or flirt young girls while you were only friends?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sleeping_sandman said:


> So, when these 'women' marry one of these old farts it's totally fine as long as he is rich enough, but looking with an average account balance is gross.
> If looking at women is making men gross. What makes that of the same women marrying the same old guys for money, only because they happen to be rich?
> Just to have some comparison here ;-)


If these people are marrying then they are actively choosing to engage with each other, for wherever reason. I wasn't commenting on that. 

My point was to these old men on this thread being all proud that they can't help what they are attracted to and they are attracted to women 30 to 40 years younger than themselves - that it's gross to the UNINTERESTED young women who are being ogled by these old men. 

Just because these men are all puffed up about how they find these decades younger women so hot doesn't mean the women are flattered by it. To the contrary, many are creeped out by it and actively embarrassed for these old men.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> If these people are marrying then they are actively choosing to engage with each other, for wherever reason. I wasn't commenting on that.
> 
> My point was to these old men on this thread being all proud that they can't help what they are attracted to and they are attracted to women 30 to 40 years younger than themselves - that it's gross to the UNINTERESTED young women who are being ogled by these old men.
> 
> Just because these men are all puffed up about how they find these decades younger women so hot doesn't mean the women are flattered by it. To the contrary, many are creeped out by it and actively embarrassed for these old men.


I was just throwing a small stone your way to friendly mess with you. 
Being a man in my 50's myself I am also embarrased for my side of humankind when I see men sitting on benches oogeling the women doing her morning yoga routine in our park. I like to run or bike there with my music on.
And yes of course I take the occasional look.
We are talking about women in very tight and thus revealing clothing and I am a heterosexual man.
But there is a differnce between throwing a glance and oogeling. I know.

By the way: For whatever reason nature bestowed me with a nice and proper male bubble butt. Genetics.
It came at the price of missing a few cm in height, but who cares...
Therefor I know for a fact that women oogle, too.
Latest since my wife, when running with me one day, gave me a hefty stroke on it and shouted to the yoga girls that this fine specimen is her's...
I never got why they were cheering her up for that. Stroke me as kinda odd.


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

No ma'am! Be Single and leave him alone! He got you...and now the magic has worn off...never get comfortable! I don't get comfortable and I don't want my spouse to get comfortable. 

Leave him alone. Take yourself out on dates, get nice and take yourself out. Start going to the gym and working out. Girl, leave him alone.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

RoseyPosey713 said:


> No ma'am! Be Single and leave him alone! He got you...and now the magic has worn off...never get comfortable! I don't get comfortable and I don't want my spouse to get comfortable.
> 
> Leave him alone. Take yourself out on dates, get nice and take yourself out. Start going to the gym and working out. Girl, leave him alone.


You know that she was the one stringing him along for 9 years and then suddenly falls for him?
Don't you think the Guy needs a little slack?
She came on here to complain after 4 months about a Guy she Let hanging in friendzone for 9 years.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Over the years, so many strings have linked you together.

None of them ended in meaningful knots.

Those knots that have formed, have found themselves in your stomach.

You two need a break from each other. You make each other bleed. 

A man should be into his lady.
Both his manhood and his heart ❤ should settle in comfortably.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is no peace to be had when standing on sand, some of it quick.

His eyes and yours, seemed ever looking elsewhere for comfort, that final resting place.

Reconcile, or split.
This will be a joint venture.

It's ⏲ time for the both of you to mature, at last.

Life is not an unending game.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

moon7 said:


> Did he date or flirt young girls while you were only friends?


He didn't flirt in front of me. We went to dinner and movies often....as well as shopping here and there. He works out of state so he's gone quite a bit. So we'd go places when he was in town. I never saw him eyeballing chics in front of me...ever. He says he never hid anything. But I literally never saw it - and I was alert. He didn't say he was or he wasn't...just said he wasn't hiding anything. 

He only had one night stands (one night is all I know of anyway...could have been a couple of times) w/ a handful of different people. But I didn't know about it at the time (not until we got into our relationship did I learn he had slept around some). He never told me at the time, because he was after me. 

I had a few people I was seeing, but it never amounted to anything - and I never told him about them...because I knew it would be awkward since he had feelings for me.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Tell him that in an exclusive monogamous relationship, flirting with other people is frowned upon and that you will not tolerate it.
> 
> He'll tell you that you're controlling and insecure and yada yada yada (even though his behavior shows HIM to be insecure and controlling) but tell him nonetheless.
> 
> If he steps over the line after you tell him, start emotionally distancing yourself and, depending on how things unfold, separate yourself from him for a few weeks just so that he sees you mean business.


Agreed. We've not had any issues in a few months (w/ him checking out chics in front of me). He works out of state, so Lord knows who he looks at or flirts with when at a restaurant or at work. But that's neither here nor there.

My biggest problem is trying to figure out how to distance yourself from someone you love and enjoy being with. We are together all the time. We have a great time. We go together well. BUT - he still has some oddities. He just won't open up emotionally....and just got to where he's told me he loves me...but won't tell me when I tell him. Weirdest **** ever.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> He didn't flirt in front of me. We went to dinner and movies often....as well as shopping here and there. He works out of state so he's gone quite a bit. So we'd go places when he was in town. I never saw him eyeballing chics in front of me...ever. He says he never hid anything. But I literally never saw it - and I was alert. He didn't say he was or he wasn't...just said he wasn't hiding anything.
> 
> He only had one night stands (one night is all I know of anyway...could have been a couple of times) w/ a handful of different people. But I didn't know about it at the time (not until we got into our relationship did I learn he had slept around some). He never told me at the time, because he was after me.
> 
> I had a few people I was seeing, but it never amounted to anything - and I never told him about them...because I knew it would be awkward since he had feelings for me.


Then he may be "punishing" you for all the time he wanted you, pr for you not being this idealisctic woman ge created in his mind.


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

No I don't -_-

I need consistency! When he start changing up, you change up too! Treat him like you're interested. 

I don't show my feelings. I'm expressive. A person will know I like them, if I'm not running away, lol!


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

moon7 said:


> Then he may be "punishing" you for all the time he wanted you, pr for you not being this idealisctic woman ge created in his mind.


I still think he just can't leave his pattern. Even if TX didn't notice it, I still believe he did the same thing with her for 8.5 years. He is so fixed into this behavioural pattern, he might even need professional help to change it


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

sleeping_sandman said:


> I still think he just can't leave his pattern. Even if TX didn't notice it, I still believe he did the same thing with her for 8.5 years. He is so fixed into this behavioural pattern, he might even need professional help to change it


Of course. But many people said similar, so im adding other possibility.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> Agreed. We've not had any issues in a few months (w/ him checking out chics in front of me). He works out of state, so Lord knows who he looks at or flirts with when at a restaurant or at work. But that's neither here nor there.
> 
> My biggest problem is trying to figure out how to distance yourself from someone you love and enjoy being with. We are together all the time. We have a great time. We go together well. BUT - he still has some oddities. He just won't open up emotionally....and just got to where he's told me he loves me...but won't tell me when I tell him. Weirdest **** ever.


He's obviously got issues. As far as distancing yourself... what worked for me is imagining myself with another person. There's something about changing and ignoring that freaks the significant other into action. And if he doesn't then... I'd say move on.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sleeping_sandman said:


> You know that she was the one stringing him along for 9 years and then suddenly falls for him?
> Don't you think the Guy needs a little slack?
> She came on here to complain after 4 months about a Guy she Let hanging in friendzone for 9 years.


She didn't leave him hanging in the friendzone for 9 years. He hung his own self in the friendzone for 9 years. He controlled the rope.

He could have and should have cut all ties with her and moved on.

To quote Led Zeppelin, he should be saying/singing to himself, Nobody's Fault But Mine.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> She didn't leave him hanging in the friendzone for 9 years. He hung his own self in the friendzone for 9 years. He controlled the rope.
> 
> He could have and should have cut all ties with her and moved on.
> 
> To quote Led Zeppelin, he should be saying/singing to himself, Nobody's Fault But Mine


Ok, bad choice of words on my part. But as always there are two to tango. 
I give it that 8.5 years trying to come out of the friendzone is akin to insane, if you ask me. Even if it payed out in the end this relationship will never going to be healthy for either of them and is doomed to fail in my eyes, without any serious couples therapy

I was friendzoned once by a girl (long ago, last century and all ) and I put up with it for two months then told her I am out.
She moved on to marry someone from our group of aquaintances, I found my wife. Friendzoner divorced (no cheating involved but some other creepy stuff)
She told me on a party of a wider friend we all attendednot so long ago that she envied my wife and me for being such a long lasting team and pair and she might have made a mistake. Just casual talk at least for me. But I am married for 30 years now, and never flirted more than appropriate and tellable. 
Not a good idea in front of wfe. Shuts her down with: Know what? If he would have been with you you would still be divorced. You are much too selfabsorbed to be wifematerial... ouch. 
I have a hunch my wife doesn't like her. Wonder why, they never had contact enough before to find hatred for each other.
After that I earned myself a sendoff with the get-yourself-a-beer-and-take-a-smoke-outside look from wifey. Didn't talk to her again. 
But I am still confused at the outburst. But I am too afraid now to ask . I think that's a good idea?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

sleeping_sandman said:


> Shuts her down with: Know what? If he would have been with you you would still be divorced. You are much too selfabsorbed to be wifematerial... ouch.


How was that received?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator notice:- *Please stop the threadjacking.


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