# Finding "THE ONE" - real or just a fairytale?



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So growing up we used to hear all these stories of finding true love or finding "THE ONE", but is that reality or a fairy tale that we would all like to believe in most cases?

Me personally I think that there are _several_ people out there who are perfect for us or suits us best, and it's just a matter of finding one of those several out there and then marrying him or her and hope that it all works out somehow.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I really don't think there is a right r wrong answer for this one. 

Personally I was never looking for The One, it just didn't come into my realm of thinking. Then I met the man that was my husband for many years, early on I thought we would be together forever, not to be.
It takes years to get to really know someone and when we finally really knew each other it turned out we were not right for the other.

Now in a new relationship. Is he another of The One's? Who knows, but what I do know is that I have learnt a lot about life (and continue to do so) and he may well be the man I will be with forever or maybe he won't. Whatever happens, he will be in my life for as long as we are both happy together, however long that may be.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m ruled mostly by my heart. So if my hearts not in it there’s no point for me. I need that “in love” feeling to make the type of commitments to and do the things that I do for the woman in my life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Cee Paul said *:So growing up we used to hear all these stories of finding true love or finding "THE ONE", but is that reality or a fairy tale that we would all like to believe in most cases?



I can only hope this won't come off like I am laying it on a little thick.. I am very passionate about my husband, our marriage. 

I've always felt HE was "*the one*" from early on... We've been inseparable since we met in our teens, we were best friends before we even kissed.










We are the type of couple that kinda makes others a little sick







... one of our friends, a guy, likes to make fun on occasion (he loves us really ) -sticking his fingers down his throat making disgusting gurgling sounds- like he is going to barf. 

Another friend said about us ...."I couldn't live a second lifetime and find a love like that" .... We've been together for 31 yrs, 23 married ...

This is not to say we never bad days/ a little conflict -but we never allow the sun to go down on our anger....... my husband tells me I like to fight to have make up sex........ I can be impatient & bi*chy on occasion -when I am after something or kids getting on my nerves - rarely about him though.

He is the perfect man to handle me...he likes a little aggression/feistiness -calls me his "Roller Derby woman" with a ....he makes me :rofl: at myself when I get a little "wired" ~ I have my moments.. We banter alot. 

Then he is the opposite of me... Mr sweet loving patience...laid back, dry humored...not a huge talker, but I get him going, never minds my digging... I know how to revv his engine -get the excitement to rise....we are very good for each other in this way (those temperment opposites balancing each other out vey nicely)...

It has been a pretty easy ride for us though....despite a few bumps along the way, Infertily being one.


We are both the Hopeless Romantic type.... we look at $$ the same, how to raise our children, we both love the country. We are both Home bodies & older fashioned in many ways. 

He is the only person I can spend 24 hrs a day with & not want to throw over a cliff (people generally get on my nerves after a time), he's told me if he had a cave, he would want me in it. I know he means these mushy things he says. And funny, before we met, he was kinda a LONER. He lives for our family. 

Unlike most young girls....I've always dreamed of my Prince...from an early age... I even got down on my knees at age 15 & prayed to meet a "good guy"....had a rough upbrining in my teens with my Step Mom....and ...well....we met 3 months later at the Lunch table of a new School. 

Answer to prayer... Fate ...coincidence ?? We both look upon our being together rather "fairytalish" ~ meant to be, once in a lifetime







.

Every love song we hear...we are ushered in that moment, it speaks our







's ...We've teared up just thinking about if something happened to the other... 

Mush buckets that we are. It's just our way. It's been our Reality.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

My husband is The One, and I definitely got the fairytale treatment. Swept off my feet, true love's kiss, a whole new world, a brief but horrible interlude apart, then he moved hell and high water to get us back together for the final scene 

I never believed it was possible in my childhood/young adulthood. I thought it was all silly. But the past year and a half has definitely changed my mind.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

"The one" is hollywood fairytale sh1t. To say that NO ONE else on the planet could make you feel as your spouse does is just silly IMO.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In hindsight, and truth be known, I did have "mild" reservations over the two women that I did come to eventually marry. While I "loved" them, there was something that was nagging at my insides about them both.

The first was a corporate climber who ended up putting her career on the fast track well ahead of me, to the point of sleeping with a company VP to get what she was after.

And my STBXW, while initially showing love for me, but ended up showing more love for her money, her social status, her alcohol, and for the other men from her earlier life~all while simultaneously trying to put me in the "poor house." Which makes me feel that she had the mindset of one of the Duke Brothers trying to experiment and toy with Dan Akroyd's character Windthorpe from the movie *Trading Places*.

Sometimes I have my doubts that I would really know what that "genuine love" truly is, even it bit me on the backside!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sbrown said:


> To say that NO ONE else on the planet could make you feel as your spouse does is just silly IMO.


I agree with this also.... 

If husband died tomorrow - I would look for another... I do feel it would be very difficult to find though... after midlife... So much emotional baggage from broken relationships & destroyed trust. Most of the types that would work for me - are likely married & taken. 

I do not believe in the whole "*soul mate*" concept even though I have used it a # of times over the years. 

Never forget late one night... catching a TV program.... some christian marraige counselor....this was the TOPIC...

This belief can take your focus off what is right in front of you...fixing the hole you've found yourself in with your partner... Maybe built up resentment /forgiveness, compromise needs put on the table -to find each other again ...many things. 

If one prescribes to this notion...they are more likely to start feeling as though they MISSED their soul mate....they are out there waiting ...and need to be found somehow ~ that "one & only" belief. 

I feel many could work with who we are... just finding one of those compatible enough ~ who wants the same things in life we do ~ similar goals, dreams, beliefs ~ love languages help! .... this IS the ticket. 










And sometimes....the grass IS *greener*, it was for my Father & Step Mom... My Mom & Dad was a trainwreck, nothing in common but Lust & marrying too young...all their differences started sprouting shorty after - going in totally different directions. A blessing they divorced... even though I was a casualty. It would have been nothing but wasted yrs & unhappiness had they stayed together -for the sake of vows. 

Even though my Step Mom was never my favorite person (I like her alot more today)... her love for my dad --amazing.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree. I love my husband but I don't think it would be that hard to find someone else that I could be just as happy or happier with. I think it's narrow thinking to say that there is only ONE. If heaven forbid my husband were gone I'm with SA I'd go looking for another. I like being in love - it suits me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So growing up we used to hear all these stories of finding true love or finding "THE ONE", but is that reality or a fairy tale that we would all like to believe in most cases?
> 
> Me personally I think that there are _several_ people out there who are perfect for us or suits us best, and it's just a matter of finding one of those several out there and then marrying him or her and hope that it all works out somehow.


I just posted something similar to this in the social area. I don't think there is anyone perfect for me. I really, really thought my second wife was perfect for me.

I did all I knew to make myself a better man after the first marriage failed. Although, I believe I was a better man after I took these actions. I am not and will never be perfect. 

I have come to believe we tell ourselves believable lies about another. We overlook the negative things which are evident. There were many signs that my ex-wife was not open and honest. I swept them under the rug. I told myself to believe the lies. I think, because I longed for "the one".

We enhance things which we perceive as positive. We let these things happen or make them happen because we greatly desire a relationship which has been programmed by society in our minds. Couple this with a chemical response in our brains which produces a feeling of euphoria and love, and we reinforce our thoughts of security and accomplishment.

Sometimes I wonder if this is why folks, when single, sleep around? I wonder if they are trying to prove their own theories about the opposite sex, but mostly about themselves?

I know, folks will say, "Well, I was horny." Is that the chicken or the egg? Is it just that one leads to understanding in the other? 

I don't know if this makes any sense. I just had a thought and wanted to share.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> "The one" is hollywood fairytale sh1t. To say that NO ONE else on the planet could make you feel as your spouse does is just silly IMO.


Hollywood fairytale, yes. 

No one else can make you feel as your spouse does. Each relationship is different and has made me feel slightly different about that person.

Each person is an individual an so no relationship can, nor do I want it to be duplicated. If that were the case, why try with someone new? Won't the new relationship end up the same? I need to change myself to become more able to understand the things I need in a lasting relationship. Then and only then will I have a chance of finding one, if that is what I truly desire.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So growing up we used to hear all these stories of finding true love or finding "THE ONE", but is that reality or a fairy tale that we would all like to believe in most cases?
> 
> Me personally I think that there are _several_ people out there who are perfect for us or suits us best, and it's just a matter of finding one of those several out there and then marrying him or her and hope that it all works out somehow.


I never believed in " The One" or soul mates or that stuff.
I always believed in _being the one_ rather than looking for " the one."

IMO, anyone can be " the one " as long as they meet your preselection criteria.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I always believed in _being the one_ rather than looking for " the one."


This was my goal as well. Being the one is much better than looking for one.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Just for the record I am the author of this thread obviously and grew up with parents who were married 58 years(until my mom passed)and they were TRUELY happy, and in some cases there are two people who are just spot on and made for each other but it's becoming more & more rare these days. In both my marriages I thought for sure I'd found "THE ONE" early on into it; but in my first marriage she just started getting crazy on me and her ongoing custody battle with her ex was more than I could handle, and then with my current wife we were madly in love at first but over the past 2+ years things have taken a very ugly turn, and our feelings are not the same anymore but we're trying to make it all work.

Now my very first love and huge crush was back when I was 21 years old and I thought she was PERFECT for me(pretty, funny, smart, and loved sports), but I was too immature back then and doing a lot of drugs and so she had enough of it and left my azz. But with that being said who's to say that now 24 years later if we met that I'd still feel the same way about her and vice versa.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> Now my very first love and huge crush was back when I was 21 years old and I thought she was PERFECT for me(pretty, funny, smart, and loved sports), but I was too immature back then and doing a lot of drugs and so she had enough of it and left my azz. But with that being said who's to say that now 24 years later if we met that I'd still feel the same way about her and vice versa.


Sounds like you let a good one get away there.  I would have done the same as her. 

When I met my husband , he smoked, I said .."me or the cigs"... he never picked up another.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sounds like you let a good one get away there.  I would have done the same as her.
> 
> When I met my husband , he smoked, I said .."me or the cigs"... he never picked up another.


A lot of times when you're that young you just think that the world revolves around YOU, and that if a girlfriend or boyfriend leaves you that you'll somehow find that same person again somewhere else - no problem.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Fairytale.

"Mr. Right Now" is good enough for me


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I never believed in " The One" or soul mates or that stuff.
> I always believed in _being the one_ rather than looking for " the one."
> 
> IMO, anyone can be " the one " as long as they meet your preselection criteria.


Looking back, I can't imagine how anyone could have been less likely to be "the one" than my wife.

The fact that she met my preselection criteria only demonstrates how little I really knew about myself and what I was getting myself into.

The years of our marriage have clearly demonstrated how little I really knew about her and about women in general.

My wife became "the one" on the day we got married. Still is, always will be. The fact that it may have taken me a while to figure this out says a lot more about me than about her.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i don't believe in "The One" but I think it's wonderful when i see people who do believe in it and live it every day. It's sweet and old school romantic,I'm a sucker for that sh*t


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> i don't believe in "The One" *but I think it's wonderful when i see people who do believe in it and live it every day. It's sweet and old school romantic,I'm a sucker for that sh*t *


:iagree:

Same with me.
And I know quite a few of them!
The facts is it works for them,
And that's admirable


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I personally do not believe in "The One." 

I also don't believe in "soulmates."


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I believe in 'the one'....and also, in 'the right one right now'. I wasn't lucky enough to find lasting love early in life, but I did experience great love a few times over the course of my life.

If I only believed in 'the one', I would have had my heart broken when I was 17, and I'd never have been able to move on after the breakdown of what I thought was going to be my forever love. Life taught me that you do indeed, get over these things, if you have to, if you're not one of the lucky ones who gets their 'right one' right away!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> So growing up we used to hear all these stories of finding true love or finding "THE ONE", but is that reality or a fairy tale that we would all like to believe in most cases?
> 
> Me personally I think that there are _several_ people out there who are perfect for us or suits us best, and it's just a matter of finding one of those several out there and then marrying him or her and hope that it all works out somehow.


I would even go farther and say that not only is there no "The One", but that people are fabulously unable to determine who they will ultimately be 'long term' compatible with.

I think it gets more likely as you get older (selecting a mate that you will be with for the restof your life), since with age comes a little bit of wisdom about ourselves and others - but it is still far, far from certain.

To me - the reasons people fall into a relationship are simply too often very different from the reasons people wind up staying in one - and it takes years and years to settle down into the slow smolder of the perfectly comfortable, long term, effortlss committed relationship. But of course - that is the stuff of legends too to some extent.

If you believe you found 'the one'... congratulations! :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> I would even go farther and say that not only is there no "The One", but that people are fabulously unable to determine who they will ultimately be 'long term' compatible with.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I, too, agree that finding "the one" in life is greatly the exception much rather than the rule! 

You fall in love, pledge your undying loyalty to them, and do the very best that you can do for both of your sakes!


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Good Question.

In theory yes, in practice no.

I agree that there are lots of compatible people for each person, 
and out of that 'compatible group'...you could (in theory) narrow it down to that one person who was _slightly_ better for you than all the rest (and so that would The One)

But the problem is, there are almost 9 billion on earth. We will all only ever know an infinitesimal number them, so you never even get close to meeting the full scope of your "The One" candidates 

That said, if someone thinks they've married their soul mate, than it's automatically true for them (which is all that matters)


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Simply Amorous
> Another friend said about us ...."I couldn't live a second lifetime and find a love like that" .... We've been together for 31 yrs, 23 married ...
> 
> Then he is the opposite of me... Mr sweet loving patience...laid back, dry humored...not a huge talker, but I get him going, never minds my digging... I know how to revv his engine -get the excitement to rise....we are very good for each other in this way (those temperment opposites balancing each other out vey nicely)...
> ...



SA
You and your husband are great encouragers!

I got down on my knees also and we will celebrate 44 years in December.

*Seems like God has good ears![/*


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

For most of my life, I'd have said that "the One" didn't exist. I believed two people made the best of their lives together for as long as they could, and that some succeeded longer than others and/or with more positiveness than others. I'd been married twice. The first time the relationship lasted 4 1/2 years, and close to 11 years the second time. I had a list of serial short-term relationships between them, usually lasting in the 2 year range.

Then I met my husband. The very first moment I laid eyes on him, before we were introduced, I felt a strange sensation. I was with someone I'd previously dated and who was still interested in me, and he worked with my husband and made the introduction. When we left that evening, I told that person, "Hey, you won't mind if I date him, right?" and asked for my husband's phone number. I felt like I "had to" know him better. Ironically, though, I also was tongue-tied around him, a sensation I'd never had before, for over two months.

I sent him a text asking him if he'd like to go on a date, got no answer. I later learned he didn't have a text messaging plan on his phone. I eventually got up the courage to ask him out, and he turned me down because his wife had just abandoned him and his teen daughter several months earlier, and he was dating someone else but not wanting a relationship with anyone. 

So I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I dated other people. But I still longed to get to know him, and every week when I saw him, I felt giddy with anticipation. I was stunned at how oddly I felt over the whole thing. I told my gal pals about it and they were surprised, too, because I was seen as the "cold fish" who made things happen, not who waited around for things to happen. 

When he asked me if I "still wanted to go on that date" a couple months later, I sent those gal pals an e-mail that said, "HE ASKED!!!" They knew exactly who I meant. 

All of this was so completely out of character for me, for the way relationships in my life had ever been... 

We were practically inseparable after our first date and by our second month, we were talking about marriage, though we held off for about a year and a half because he had a teen daughter and we had some bumpiness there. Today, as we come up on our third year of togetherness, we have a relationship exactly like SimplyAmorous described. Neither of us can picture our lives without each other in them ever again.

So my perceptions today are that "the ONE" really is heads and shoulders different and better than "the Ones" that came before.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> A lot of times when you're that young you just think that the world revolves around YOU, and that if a girlfriend or boyfriend leaves you that you'll somehow find that same person again somewhere else - no problem.





> *Anotherguy said*: I think it gets more likely as you get older (selecting a mate that you will be with for the restof your life), since with age comes a little bit of wisdom about ourselves and others - but it is still far, far from certain.



I think it was That Girl who made a comment on here once saying that people's brains are not fully *mature* until *age 26* or something..this can be googled I suppose. Personally I feel this is more individualized- just like anything else in life. 

Me & husband were talking today, he mentioned the new FRAT Craze - Butt-chugging  .. where these guys are sticking hoses up their aZZ to get plastered quicker .. OMG... even if I was 11, I would call such behavior brainless. The things people do to "fit it" boggles my mind...always has. I never jumped in with any crowd to be accepted.... Should be a new "1000 ways to Die" episode soon. 

And my husband, he was similar...mature for his age. That appealed to me. Neither of us needed to experience a taste of wrecklessness to get it out of our systems or felt we were invincible. The worse thing I ever did was smoke a joint (I was curious to see if it would affect my head)- it did, I couldn't stop :rofl: and I fell into a little stream on a walking path with friends. I had my little experiment, never did it again ~ My curiosity was satisfied. 

Our 15 yr old son...he is so *US*....him & his GF will be celebrating a year together next week...they are in Cross country, Band, & youth group together, good grades... respectable kids....call me crazy but what I see from their relationship so far....I really wouldn't be surprised if they LAST... even her Father encourages it ....it's not the normal teen dating drama parents are pulling their hair out over. 

So maturity...it depends. We'll see how it plays out.. I've told them both it would be "healthy" to see others...if they last till College, that will be the ultimate Test. 

It is important to know WHO YOU ARE, what you want out of life, find another who shares a similar vision...gotta have that physical attraction going on....with their personality complimenting your own...lots of laughter & quickly resolving conflict with emotional honesty....and give it the test of TIME .


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, Simply, that "buttchugging" thing nearly made me spit my water out from laughter (and grossness). LOL. :rofl:


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I used to believe in finding the right person now I believe that it takes love, commitment and a whole lot of personal growth to become the right person. 

Marriage is really about learning to be the right person, learning how to be a better person and it's not dependant on just finding the right person.

I can make myself the right person or the wrong person for my H to some degree, and vise versa. It's a choice. 

And when it comes to getting to the final stage of intimacy in a marriage, I don't think many people do that without some speed bumps along the way. And the ones who don't have issues along the way are few and far between...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Inner dialogue of practicing spiritual discernment and finding The One:
"God, you're kidding, right?" 
But all in all, I get it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok, Simply, that "buttchugging" thing nearly made me spit my water out from laughter (and grossness). LOL. :rofl:



I had a good laugh over it too in the car earlier -when he mentioned it.







I just showed my son this -he says "tampons filled with vodka, what is this world coming too" ....my other son yelled ...."apparently vodka filled tampons". 

Butt Chugging Vodka Tampons - YouTube 

Butt-Chugging - YouTube


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't believe in the ONE at all. If my wife died I would surely find another same as if I died....I would want here to find another!! There are billions of people in the world and literally thousands of matches that would make all of us very a happy.

It's a awesome fairy tale that is a fun one to believe, but the honest answer is there are many ONE'S out there for all of us.

Things and perspectives change too as we get older. I see it often how dreams change from the now to the "after" as mortality becomes a reality.

We all want to feel loved, to love, and we don't want it to end!! The question is will it?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I think the butt chugging is real...
'Butt chugging,' 'alcohol enema': UT student denies claims, but cops say evidence tells other story

vodka tampons... not so much... funny tough...worth the read...
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/danielle-crittenden/vodka-tampons_b_1105433.html?ref=canada


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I fully believe there is someone out there who is waaaay better suited for me than my wife is, and when I picture this person in my mind she sure as hell does not talk to me rudely or treat me the way my wife does that's for sure.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> I fully believe there is someone out there who is waaaay better suited for me than my wife is, and when I picture this person in my mind she sure as hell does not talk to me rudely or treat me the way my wife does that's for sure.


If I was in your shoes, I would feel the same. I don't feel it is worth being miserable in a marriage...day after day after day and taking the abuse of someone who vowed to love & cherish us....Life is too short.









Sometimes vows are just not enough....if 2 grow apart -like a grand canyon - and simply can't reconcile their differences- or refuse to come half way...for whatever reason. 

I think this is a good book for sorting this out -if you are in limbo >> 








Too Good to Leave,Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship: Books


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> The very first moment I laid eyes on him, before we were introduced, I felt a strange sensation.


I can still recall as an eighteen year old the very first time I saw my wife way back in 1968. I knew she was the one the instant I saw her. In the first few seconds after that moment I’d already visualised one of us pushing the other in a wheelchair in our old age. That actually went through my mind.


“The One” gives you a feeling inside of you like no other person can. It’s like a glow living and breathing inside of you from which everything else in your life is given birth. For me it’s called being in love and from that love inside of us we carry out our loving actions and activities.


It’s strange I guess being in love with a young woman, more or less a girl at the time, that I didn’t even know. But that in love feeling, the glow inside of me lasted over 4 decades. The only person who could ever turn it off was my wife and she eventually succeeded.


I’m kind of looking around at the moment, wondering if I should have another woman in my life. When I see a woman I’m attracted to or see one looking at me I ask myself “Is that feeling there?”. On two occasions over the past year it has been but they’re with another man so I leave well alone.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I agree. I love my husband but I don't think it would be that hard to find someone else that I could be just as happy or happier with. I think it's narrow thinking to say that there is only ONE. If heaven forbid my husband were gone I'm with SA I'd go looking for another. I like being in love - it suits me.


I'm with you & SA on this. :iagree: :iagree:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> I fully believe there is someone out there who is waaaay better suited for me than my wife is, and when I picture this person in my mind she sure as hell does not talk to me rudely or treat me the way my wife does that's for sure.


With all due respect Cee Paul, this is complete fantasy. Believe me, I know how you feel better than anybody and I can say without equivocation that the sooner you stop fantasizing and choose to start dealing effectively with the situation at hand, the sooner things will start to improve. I hate to quote popular songs but I love the guy that says "the grass is always greener where you water it"


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I can still recall as an eighteen year old the very first time I saw my wife way back in 1968. I knew she was the one the instant I saw her.


I felt the same way when I met my wife but the year was 1982, I was 18 also. An overwhelming feeling of I have to get to know her came over me. Could not wait for our dates together, She is truly amazing and a lot of fun to be around. I tell her I want to be beside her in a rocking chair when we grow old. she's the love of my life.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> With all due respect Cee Paul, this is complete fantasy. Believe me, I know how you feel better than anybody and I can say without equivocation that the sooner you stop fantasizing and choose to start dealing effectively with the situation at hand, the sooner things will start to improve. I hate to quote popular songs but I love the guy that says "the grass is always greener where you water it"


I know there is no one perfect out there for me and maybe that is a bit of a fantasy, but I know for sure there is someone who is a lot more calm than my wife is who will keep me calm and not try and butt heads constantly. The problem is is that I married two "hott heads" back to back and as anyone who truely knows me.........that's not what I need in my life as someone who is also a hott head(it's a recipe for disaster).


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> I know for sure there is someone who is a lot more calm than my wife is who will keep me calm and not try and butt heads constantly. The problem is is that I married two "hott heads" back to back and as anyone who truely knows me.........that's not what I need in my life as someone who is also a hott head(it's a recipe for disaster).


We all come into our marriages with expectations and truly there is no human being that can meet all our expectations all the time., especially not a member of the opposite sex. Our first reaction is always "Poor me, I was just plain unlucky in the marriage partner lottery". We feel entitled to our partner's good characteristics so we take them for granted and we focus on how bad their bad characteristics are. Love is a conscious decision to understand, accept and care for your partner in their entirely, good and bad. When you start making that choice (every day) you will be surprised how much better your partner will start acting


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> We all come into our marriages with expectations and truly there is no human being that can meet all our expectations all the time., especially not a member of the opposite sex. Our first reaction is always "Poor me, I was just plain unlucky in the marriage partner lottery". We feel entitled to our partner's good characteristics so we take them for granted and we focus on how bad their bad characteristics are. Love is a conscious decision to understand, accept and care for your partner in their entirely, good and bad. When you start making that choice (every day) you will be surprised how much better your partner will become


I was talking to my dad(who is a lot like me)and asked him how he managed to make it through 58 years of marriage before my mom passed, and he said that because she had a calm sweet demeanor about her that it always kept him grounded and helped him stay calm. But he said if he had married an emotional hott head like I've done twice now with his bad temper and being high strung, that it would have never ever worked and most of the times it usually doesn't in those situations.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> We all come into our marriages with expectations and truly there is no human being that can meet all our expectations all the time., especially not a member of the opposite sex. Our first reaction is always "Poor me, I was just plain unlucky in the marriage partner lottery". We feel entitled to our partner's good characteristics so we take them for granted and we focus on how bad their bad characteristics are. Love is a conscious decision to understand, accept and care for your partner in their entirely, good and bad. When you start making that choice (every day) you will be surprised how much better your partner will start acting


*this*. The part about love being a concious decision. Well said.

:iagree:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> I know there is no one perfect out there for me and maybe that is a bit of a fantasy, but I know for sure there is someone who is a lot more calm than my wife is who will keep me calm and not try and butt heads constantly. The problem is is that I married two "hott heads" back to back and as anyone who truely knows me.........that's not what I need in my life as someone who is also a hott head(it's a recipe for disaster).


For me marriage and the battlefield are the two places where a man gets seriously tested. It’s where we discover the most about ourselves, our commitment, bravery, creativity, tenacity, patience, forgiveness, emotional control and many many other things.


I doubt there’s a woman on the planet that will “Keep you calm”. That’s not a woman’s role in your life. In fact just about any woman you marry will on many occasions try and do the exact opposite, they will consciously and subconsciously test and wound you such that from your pain you will get angry.


Women learn how to get under a man’s skin from the age of four. And here you are a twice married man and you didn’t even know that.


It is not up to the woman in your life or any other person on the planet to keep you calm. Unless of course you rage such that you are drugged and sectioned as a way of keeping you calm.


No. Keeping you calm is your job and until you acknowledge that and learn how to do it you will find yourself with yet another crazy woman.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> For me marriage and the battlefield are the two places where a man gets seriously tested. It’s where we discover the most about ourselves, our commitment, bravery, creativity, tenacity, patience, forgiveness, emotional control and many many other things.
> 
> 
> I doubt there’s a woman on the planet that will “Keep you calm”. That’s not a woman’s role in your life. In fact just about any woman you marry will on many occasions try and do the exact opposite, they will consciously and subconsciously test and wound you such that from your pain you will get angry.
> ...


Apparently you did not read the post of mine before this one about my mom and dad that proves your theory wrong.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> But he said if he had married an emotional hott head like I've done twice now with his bad temper and being high strung, that it would have never ever worked and most of the times it usually doesn't in those situations.


You are painting a picture of doom here, also known as "predicting a negative future for your partner". This is a bad habit and only makes things worse. 

Being a hot head is a choice one makes, not an unalterable life sentence. One of you (you or your wife) has to be the more mature person in your relationship if you want to survive as a couple. If it's not your wife (and it sounds like it's not her) then it's up to you as the man to take up this responsibility. Stop being a victim of the way you were born or raised and start being responsible for your temper and get it under control. When you make observable improvements in managing yourself, your wife will unconsciously echo your improvements and you will have single-handedly pulled the both of you out of the abyss. This is also called leadership


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I honestly do believe in the one... and I believe my spouse is "the one" for me. I have dated quite a few guys in my life and none of them have ever made me feel the way he does. We have our issues like any other couple but he is the only one who, even when I'm extremely peeved at him, makes my heart skip a beat and my stomache flutter with butterflies when I look at him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> You are painting a picture of doom here, also known as "predicting a negative future for your partner". This is a bad habit and only makes things worse.
> 
> Being a hot head is a choice one makes, not an unalterable life sentence. One of you (you or your wife) has to be the more mature person in your relationship if you want to survive as a couple. If it's not your wife (and it sounds like it's not her) then it's up to you as the man to take up this responsibility. Stop being a victim of the way you were born or raised and start being responsible for your temper and get it under control. When you make observable improvements in managing yourself, your wife will unconsciously echo your improvements and you will have single-handedly pulled the both of you out of the abyss. This is also called leadership


It's his wife's fault


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Mavash.
> I agree. I love my husband but I don't think it would be that hard to find someone else that I could be just as happy or happier with. I think it's narrow thinking to say that there is only ONE. If heaven forbid my husband were gone I'm with SA I'd go looking for another. I like being in love - it suits me



My story is a bit different. If something happened to my wife I could get another woman. However, I would never be just as happy or happier with the new woman. You see I also met my wife when I was 18 a long long time ago and we married in 1968. We will celebrate our 44th s wedding anniversary soon.

We had our youth together, we have our struggles together, we have our children together and no other woman is going to fulfill those times and experiences. We went to see ELVIS live in Vegas together, we have all the Beatles music, we learned to dance the Cotton-Eyed-Joe in the 1970s to country music, we fought through the rough times in the 1980s , we rebuilt together in the 1990s, and have been enjoying the grandchildren beginning in the 2000s. We have been to the bottom of the c valley and to the top of the mountain together. As one of my favorite movie characters said “We go together like peas and carrots.”

My wife will always be “THE ONE” that is special in so many ways. No one else can match those times and experiences.
No fairytale here just the facts!

To SA’s Husband
We have our rocking chairs sitting beside each other on the porch but we do not plan on sitting in them for a several years. Do not believe anyone that tells you that love, life, and sex is over at 60, just ain’t true!

SA’s Husband, you and SA are winners! Thanks for sharing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

it only works if both partners are working hard to make eachother the one. 


if not then yes its a fairy tale!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> Apparently you did not read the post of mine before this one about my mom and dad that proves your theory wrong.


All you’ve proven from start to finish is that you cannot control your emotions, most especially your anger.


That you’ve abdicated responsibility for your behaviour to someone else, in your case your wife.


It’s the “She made me do it!” of a child yet there you are a middle aged man.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mr Blunt said:


> My story is a bit different. If something happened to my wife I could get another woman. However, I would never be just as happy or happier with the new woman. You see I also met my wife when I was 18 a long long time ago and we married in 1968. We will celebrate our 44th s wedding anniversary soon.
> 
> *We had our youth together,* *we have our struggles together, we have our children together and no other woman is going to fulfill those times and experiences.* We went to see ELVIS live in Vegas together, we have all the Beatles music, we learned to dance the Cotton-Eyed-Joe in the 1970s to country music, we fought through the rough times in the 1980s , we rebuilt together in the 1990s, and have been enjoying the grandchildren beginning in the 2000s. *We have been to the bottom of the c valley and to the top of the mountain together. As one of my favorite movie characters said “We go together like peas and carrots*.”
> 
> ...


I feel like you Mr Blunt....there is just too many years together, too much *TIME* stuffed in that bottle....almost every memory I have, he was right there beside me...so many times I've said to him, even today eating out with our College bound son & friends, asking him if he seen a particular movie yrs ago...laughing about a scene in Monty Pythons's "Meaning of Life" .....and he says ..." I was with you!" I'm like.... "Oh yeah, what was I thinking!" :slap:..... his memory seems a bit better than mine on occasion. 

Some of his ways, things he does that are solely unique to US.... I just KNOW no other man could fill his shoes... he spoils me with his time, his touching & running his fingers through my hair. Another relationship could be found, but I would always grieve what once was...something terribly. It would be a revolving "Bread" song going through my







=  Everything I Own - YouTube

If I found another half as good as what I have experienced in this life... I would consider myself lucky. 

He's told me -if something happened to me... I'm IT... he would never be with another, it wouldn't be fair to another woman, the children would be enough. 

He heard that song playing from the other room, he walks out with a big  on his face just to hug me, how sweet is that.. I need some kleenex now.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> I was talking to my dad(who is a lot like me)and asked him how he managed to make it through 58 years of marriage before my mom passed, and he said that because she had a calm sweet demeanor about her that it always kept him grounded and helped him stay calm. But he said if he had married an emotional hott head like I've done twice now with his bad temper and being high strung, that it would have never ever worked and most of the times it usually doesn't in those situations.


 Hey Cee Paul... I see where your dad is coming from. Not to put myself down here - but I am the HOT HEAD in our marriage..... no doubt about it ... I am more demanding, I am more aggressive, I am more impatient... I am more "take charge" /let's get this ball rolling type... this comes rather naturally to me.... I am the type A "Choleric" temperament (Melancholy secondary). 

I am at least "reasonable" and respond well to GOOD treatment, if NOT....the man would want rid of me very fast. It just wouldn't be working. 

And I don't consider myself overly emotional, drowning in sorrows - I am more of an action taker - Trying to solve an issue/problem... I want GOOD for all involved, this comes to how I view life &







... A natural hot head with some wisdom & a "workable spirit" -communication wise - is going to fare better than a selfish Hot head who has an "I don't give a damn attitude" towards their spouse. 

I'll always feel my husband keeps ME grounded. There is a very good reason Opposites attract (temperament wise that is... love language wise is a another story- best to be matched as closely as one can!). You can google this phenomenon & find many articles about it... 

Each temperament has it's inborn *strengths* & *weaknesses*... the best we can DO is work on our weaknesses (we ALL have them!).... and cultivate our strengths - to benefit all of our relationships ~ whether with our spouses, friends, co-workers, etc. A great chart here - scroll to middle of the page >>







 Temperaments









For my husband.. Patience comes easier for him.... he is MR Calm, sweet demeanor, takes alot for him to get upset....(like your Mother).... Assertiveness -not so much.... he is not a boat rocker...he enjoys "peace", if he can handle it....he might just let it Be....He is a Phlegmatic - secondary Melancholy like myself. 

ME ... Patience is a struggle - depending... and I LIKE a little conflict, a challenge . I want Peace too, I'm not a drama queen.....but if the peace is "fake" ~ "a rug sweeping peace"....I will go to great lengths to pull that rug out from under the other..and dig into any resentment or unpleasantness that is being stuffed.... I will confront it ....Thankfully my husband welcomes this.  He knows my intentions are well meaning. 

We DO balance each other out. There is some wisdom in your fathers thoughts.... I just hope your Mom was not a doormat, being married to an Unrestrained Choleric who never tamed his temperment to a decent degree could = a Steam rolling personality - which makes for a miserable marriage for all. 



> The *Choleric* “is your original ‘type A’ personality: He wants to take charge and get things done.” The *Phlegmatic* “is a peacemaker” who “hates conflict.” Phlegmatics are “steady and stabilizing.” The *Sanguine* “is your classic ‘people person,’” while *Melancholics* are known for introspection, noble purpose and even perfectionism.
> The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse « For Your Marriage


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> You are painting a picture of doom here, also known as "predicting a negative future for your partner". This is a bad habit and only makes things worse.
> 
> Being a hot head is a choice one makes, not an unalterable life sentence. One of you (you or your wife) has to be the more mature person in your relationship if you want to survive as a couple. If it's not your wife (and it sounds like it's not her) then it's up to you as the man to take up this responsibility. Stop being a victim of the way you were born or raised and start being responsible for your temper and get it under control. When you make observable improvements in managing yourself, your wife will unconsciously echo your improvements and you will have single-handedly pulled the both of you out of the abyss. This is also called leadership


Somehow I picture you walking upto someone using a cane and telling them "throw that thing away and lose that limp right now - it's a sign of weakness"! :rofl:

And having a bad temper or being high strung is NOT a choice and is not something that is easily turned on and off like a light switch, because if that was the case every anger management counselor would be out of business.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> All you’ve proven from start to finish is that you cannot control your emotions, most especially your anger.
> 
> 
> That you’ve abdicated responsibility for your behaviour to someone else, in your case your wife.
> ...


Ohhh please tell me where the town square is that has a statue of you in the middle of it, so that I may go and bow down before it every week and profess my sins. 


Oooops nevermind......I found it(and it's being appropriately decorated)!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's both, the fairytale exists, I found "THE ONE" for me, but "THE ONE" is forcing me to learn more about the reality of marriage then I ever wanted to know.

So... in the end, it's both BS and truth.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

Been married to the same woman for many years but it's definitely no fairytale, and sometimes I get Lil Red Riding Hood and other days it's the big bad wolf!


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## katewislet (Oct 3, 2012)

Hi Cee Paul, 

You seem to be very Lively,

and Yes Visuals are more impactful, you proved it.

Now About the fairytale, It depends upon us, If We chose the right person then it is Real and If we don't then its really Fairytale.

In My Case I am that much Lucky to get my One. All I have to do is to give him chance to make me Happy.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

katewislet said:


> Hi Cee Paul,
> 
> You seem to be very Lively,
> 
> ...


Just having a little fun and can't stand those who sit on their high horses and think they have an answer to everyone's problems, and what makes it worse is when it's coming from someone who is part of a failing marriage as well waving their finger at me.


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## katewislet (Oct 3, 2012)

Cool Attitude,

You Rock :iagree:

Keep it Up! :lol:


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> Good Question.
> 
> In theory yes, in practice no.


It's funny, I kind of think the opposite. In theory, I don't believe in it at all. I don't believe in destiny, or fate, or soulmates. But in practice...

In practice I absolutely think my husband is The One, the only one for me. We fell in love at 18. We've had plenty of difficult times, split up for a while in our early 20s. I saw a couple of other people, but somehow it never felt okay, it's like I was always thinking, well, he's fine, if you take [my husband] out of the reckoning. It was as though in my head there was my husband, and then there was everyone else. 

It's like I know him, really know him, like I know myself. He is familiar to me in the way I am familiar to myself. We've joked that we are like those trees that grow tangled up forever, that we've somehow warped each other into the same shape, so we're not fit for anyone else.

I have friends and siblings who have been in love with several people and I just don't understand it. I mean, I intellectually understand it, but not emotionally. I don't see how it works.

If my husband died or left me I truly believe I would never fall in love again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> Ohhh please tell me where the town square is that has a statue of you in the middle of it, so that I may go and bow down before it every week and profess my sins.
> 
> 
> Oooops nevermind......I found it(and it's being appropriately decorated)!


That would be really cool for a boy of 13, but a guy in his 40s?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> That would be really cool for a boy of 13, but a guy in his 40s?


Yeah because no one in their 40's or older still cracks jokes or puts up silly pictures, and I guess in your mind we should all just be very very serious about everything and walk around looking like this when we turn 40 and beyond:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:rofl:

Not getting involved but I have to admit Cee Paul that was a hilarious comeback


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I ask my wife "will you marry me" on my one knee. Her Response "I will make your life miserable, so yes". After 18 years she has lived up to her word. <sigh> I guess I'm a masochist for the one. 

I don't believe in fairy tales... You settle for things you can live with and accept things that you can ignore. After that everything else is marital bliss


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Not getting involved but I have to admit Cee Paul that was a hilarious comeback


My dad is "80" and still cracks jokes and laughs at stuff like Benny Hill or maybe someone who's funny looking at the mall or something like that, and he is intelligent and retired in good shape financially and raised a bunch of kids and also helped raise some of his grandkids too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Funny, I never bend knee, and our marriage was more like

"We should get married"
"Like duh!"
"Ok that's settled"

lol

@Cee Paul

Well I can't live without two things; music and humor.
My daughter also loves it about me, so hell I'll never abandon the fun in life - I'd rather die laughing!!!!


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## katewislet (Oct 3, 2012)

In Our Days, He made his whole family ready for Accepting me. I still remember those days when his mother called me My Son's Happiness and Hugged Me. I Fell very blessed. My Husband Is the Best Husband! :iagree:

So, I believe in those Fairy Tales.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

katewislet said:


> In Our Days, He made his whole family ready for Accepting me. I still remember those days when his mother called me My Son's Happiness and Hugged Me. I Fell very blessed. My Husband Is the Best Husband! :iagree:
> 
> So, I believe in those Fairy Tales.


Kudos to you and your husband Kate because you have something that is becoming quite.......rare.


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

To throw a geek spin on this, I don't believe there is any one person in the world specifically meant for you that you are brought together with by "fate". Rather I subscribe to the emerging quantum theory view on humanity. Quantum theory reveals a basic oneness of the universe. It shows that we cannot decompose the world into independently existing smallest units. As we penetrate into matter, nature does not show us any isolated "building blocks," but rather appears as a complicated web of relations between the various parts of the whole. Meaning all of us are part of a greater whole, and we all share a basic underlying consciousness of which each of us are individual expressions of that whole. When we meet someone we "connect" with deeply, it's due to some of our individual expressions of that whole sharing a closer connection than others. I think it's very possible that there are hundreds if not thousands of other people out there that connect closer to us than others. So your "one" is one of those people with whom you connect with that you happened to meet and start a relationship. There are many others with whom you will feel that way about had you happened to meet them instead.

Interestingly enough, quantum theory has been demonstrated to have a lot in common with older eastern spiritual belief systems (especially Buddhism), making it the first time in history that science and religion are meeting rather than opposing.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I will say this though about "fate"; my wife and I met on a local message board that is based on current events going on in our city that was very popular amongst the residents here, and so after seeing my photo in my avatar and liking my view points on different things, my wife(who I did not know at that time of course)sent me a private message asking a few personal questions..........and next thing I know we're exchanging numbers and going out on a date a month later.

Buuuuut here's where "fate" might play a part in all of this, our chamber of commerce decided to upgrade their website we were on and GOT RID OF those message boards about 3-4 days after we exchanged numbers(and all posts and threads were lost without warning).


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> having a bad temper or being high strung is NOT a choice


Sorry Cee Paul, but I'm not buying it. It may be a choice one is unable or unwilling to do anything about, but it is a choice nonetheless. Maybe it's a choice we let someone else make for us.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Sorry Cee Paul, but I completely disagree. It may be a choice one is unwilling or unable to do anything about, but it is a choice nonetheless. Maybe it's a choice we let someone else make for us.


When you are at a point where your fuse is very very short and blowing up has become a habit that's hard to break, it is NOT as simple as when you get mad calmly & easily saying to yourself - "I'm ok and I'm not going to blow up and life is a bed of roses la la la". People who don't understand this are people who don't have bad tempers and aren't high strung - period end of story.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> period end of story.


Sure dude. Feel free to write back if you change your mind


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I have found "the one". Nothing could ever replace my husband and what we have together. We are truly one happy couple.


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

I actually do believe in "the one". I grew up with those fairy tales. My husband is the one for me. He can handle me when no one else could. He is the guy I have always dreamed of and wanted and more. I got very lucky


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Here's an excellent way to be honest with yourself about whether you're truly unable to control your temper: In the middle of a huge angry raging fit the phone rings and you answer it calmly because to do otherwise would entail you embarrassing the hell out of yourself. If that's the case, I guess you're quite capable of controlling your temper. I bet 99.9% of us would be mortified at having our mother, or a professional colleague catch us in the act of raging like a maniac.

I've thrown tantrums I'd be so ashamed of if someone had witnessed it -mostly involving me committing a major screw up during a home reno that adds hours to my project


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## katewislet (Oct 3, 2012)

Hi I'mInLoveWithMyHubby and Browneyedgurl020610, 

I totally Agree with You,

We are Blessed ! Cheers !


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

The is no one person who can embody all that you might want/need in a partner.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

relate said:


> Here's an excellent way to be honest with yourself about whether you're truly unable to control your temper: In the middle of a huge angry raging fit the phone rings and you answer it calmly because to do otherwise would entail you embarrassing the hell out of yourself. If that's the case, I guess you're quite capable of controlling your temper. I bet 99.9% of us would be mortified at having our mother, or a professional colleague catch us in the act of raging like a maniac.
> 
> I've thrown tantrums I'd be so ashamed of if someone had witnessed it -mostly involving me committing a major screw up during a home reno that adds hours to my project


That has happened and I did answer the phone, and the person on the other end could tell I was very upset even though I wasn't yelling at them directly.


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