# Why bother?



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Why bother posting over and over again asking people for advice or suggestions on your situation, only to shoot it all down when people respond? 

I see where people take their time to post a long suggestion/response only to get, "nah I have already done, that, Or, Sorry I don't plan on leaving". 

I don't get the whole, "I'm sick of this. I'm sick of my situation, I am going to leave", only to not do any of that. It also amazes me how someone will ask for suggestions or advice and lots of people will respond with good ideas on things to try, but then the person asking for the suggestions has tried every single thing others suggested. Even if its 5 pages worth.

So I ask, whats the point, if you're not going to try anything anyone has said? If you already have tried it all, or if you're not going to leave etc?

I find nothing wrong with venting, BUT if you do it alot with no effort on your part to actually take effort, I don't get it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the defination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hope for a different outcome.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

When I was on another forum, we had a poster who was in a bad situation. 

In the beginning people felt sorry for them, and rightfully so. Others would offer really good advice, and gave them many things to try. That poster was the way you described how some can be. 

They would shoot down just about everything that was offered to them. After awhile you could start to tell they were like excuses. Excuses for why they did or didn't do this and that. 

They would post then lay low for awhile only to continue to come back with the SAME questions, my guess is, they didn't' really try what was suggested to begin with, if so they wouldn't have the same questions over and over again. I imagine they were looking for the "right or perfect" answer. There wasn't one. 

After awhile people stopped replying to that poster as often as they once did. I'm sure due to the fact they were running out of things for that person to do and try. Leaving was suggested many times, which IMO is what should have happened. They talked about how they would or were going to, only to keep staying. I remember children and money wasn't the factor for staying. 

I guess, after you have talked to that person till you and they both are blue in the face, only for that person to have the same issues with the same questions, you start to think maybe this person is playing victim, they enjoy being the victim, why? Gets them attention. 


I went back to that forum to visit just the other day. That same poster who has been there for about 2-3 years, is still there, and still making posts on the same issue, with some of the same questions. Hardly anyone was replying anymore.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

When that happens I sometimes think the person has a particular answer or piece of advice they're wanting to hear (to justify their cause?)....so anything that doesn't resonate with what it is they want to hear is ignored for the most part.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I feel very often people don't examine themselves, they feel sorry for themselves, they are seeking support and comfort, it means they are looking for answers they like to hear. They hate the kind of advice which requires them to change. 

Advice is always difficult to give when the person is looking to change others. Advice is easy to give when the person is looking to change himself or herself.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Why bother posting over and over again asking people for advice or suggestions on your situation, only to shoot it all down when people respond?
> 
> I see where people take their time to post a long suggestion/response only to get, "nah I have already done, that, Or, Sorry I don't plan on leaving".
> 
> ...


I can tell you why I did it back in the group I participated in. (Prior to someone finally getting through to me, my following the advice and setting my marriage to rights.)

I did not want to hear it. I was in self preservation mode. I wanted everyone to tell me I was RIGHT and how to fix my husband and make him see how RIGHT I was.

I had an image in my head of what marriage was. What a husband was and did. It was not the same image as my husbands. And I had no more right to force my image than he had his.

When someone finally got that through to me, we could learn skills to set effective limits, speak each other's love languages, accept those differences that were not a big deal and lighten up a lot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Calla--I think people already have a pre-determined answer that they want to get and when people don't give it to them, they get upset.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jamison said:


> I went back to that forum to visit just the other day. That same poster who has been there for about 2-3 years, is still there, and still making posts on the same issue, with some of the same questions. Hardly anyone was replying anymore.


Gosh that is sad


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

During my early days of this board, i came down really hard on this girl who basically her husband was cheating on her and making a fool outta her in the process. She kept giving reasons why she didn't want to kick him out. Then she turned on me for being so harsh in my response. I eventually apalogized, because i was a little hard on her. But i wasn't the only one who told her how to handle said situation. In the end, she said, i kicked him out and everything is better... 

She never responded again, which tells me she is still living with this douche, and he is still cheating on her, and she just told us she kicked him out to pacify us. I even sent her a PM, apologizing again, and asking for an update. Her non-response and leaving of these forums just further confirmed my suspicions. 

None of us are Dr. PHil or have a career in giving this sorta advice, but... some of us HAVE been through these situations before. If you choose to ignore all the advice people give, and keep on the same track of being a human doormat, then you have nobody to blame but yourself when you are unhappy.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jamison said:


> I went back to that forum to visit just the other day. That same poster who has been there for about 2-3 years, is still there, and still making posts on the same issue, with some of the same questions. Hardly anyone was replying anymore.


There is a poster who found his way here from the usenet group I participated in. This has to be 7 years ago now. He was here with the exact same complaints and the exact same set of can'ts as then.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> She never responded again, which tells me she is still living with this douche



:rofl:


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## SoCalMichelle (Apr 18, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> None of us are Dr. PHil or have a career in giving this sorta advice, but... some of us HAVE been through these situations before. If you choose to ignore all the advice people give, and keep on the same track of being a human doormat, then you have nobody to blame but yourself when you are unhappy.


:iagree:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The ones which bother me the most are the ones that post legitimate problems and ask for advice.......and then NEVER respond in any way to the replies. That's when I say, "Why bother?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ LOL yes that is annoying too!

They just post and run. This makes me especially sad when it's a hot topic or good thread post!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

So I wonder if the answer to "help" them is to just tell them like it is?

I see so many people and I'm guilty of this too, they tell the others what they want to hear for fear of hurting their feelings etc. So maybe its best to just be blunt and tell them what they do not wish to hear.


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

1. leaving someone is hard.
2. you probably didn't get the whole story or the whole TRUTHFUL story. Thus the advise you gave that you think is brilliant might be based on a false story and therefore actions weren't taken because it was based all on a big lie.
3. People are on here anonymously for a reason. We can say what we want, how we want it and then we have no commitments to act on it or respond or whatever. Don't take it personally... it's the nature of the internet.
4. If you are obsessed to WHY someone ELSE isn't changing their OWN life, you need to re-examine yourself. Be nice, offer advice and let go, or don't give advice. Don't invest any of your nerves, emotion and stress into it... into an internet stranger. Don't try to change anyone. Usually the people that gossip and interfere the most are the ones with the biggest problems... aka "why point out the speck in your neighbor's eye when you have a log in your own" etc etc. Let it go.
5. Human nature and emotions... the heart... all wacky. Don't try to make sense out of it, you'll tire yourself out.

Finally... read about the "yes, but..." syndrome. 99% of people want to vent and get advice that they won't use. They have excuse after excuse to why said advice won't work. The reason? They are lazy, can't be honest with themselves or are scared of change.

And I totally agree with Trey: "When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

The key here... this person has to want to change on their own. Period. Nobody can do it for them.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

All you can do is give advice, it's up to that person to put it into action. I don't take it personally. I think people like the attention, and the drama.

People who complain about the same ole thing for years irritates me. Either crap or get off the pot.

I have found others advice to be helpful in my own life while reading about others issues. So don't think your answer/suggestions goes to waste, you never know who is seeking help for the same issue.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

A _lot_ of people aren't really looking for advice. They just want to spill over the side to anyone who will listen. They feel alone and want their thoughts and emotions to be heard.

They aren't really looking for answers to their problems.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Why bother posting over and over again asking people for advice or suggestions on your situation, only to shoot it all down when people respond?
> 
> I see where people take their time to post a long suggestion/response only to get, "nah I have already done, that, Or, Sorry I don't plan on leaving".
> 
> ...


I know in my own case, part of what i'm doing is processing it here. And working my way toward whatever comes next.

I'm kind of chronicling my journey. I know i'm doing things differently than I did in the past, but i'm still somewhere in the midst of the journey.
And hoping that if I keep on track, it'll lead my H to catch up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I knew someone like this in RL. How very draining it was. Bad situation, she chose to stay for 100 million times and gave every justification she could, which is fine it was her choice. But stop asking for advice over the same issues when you had already been given that advice and chose not to do anything about it. 

Everyday it was how her husband did this or didn't do that. He said this or didn't say that etc. There was some abuse there to on his part. She would get upset and threaten to leave. 2 days later he is wonderful and trying. IMO he wasn't really trying, he did it to keep her there, he provided that "false hope" for her. Because it was always the same kind of thing. Got to the point to where it was pretty predictable. 

My conclusion for her was, it was for attention more anything. She was lonely, needed a way to vent, she was dependent on him, and if she truly wanted to leave she would have. All advice given to her by people fell on deaf ears. She cried woe is me I'm the victim here, which IMO she made herself the victim, so there fore she stayed and its still the same way as it always was. Some people like playing that victim role, if she had left she wouldn't have anyone to play along with her.


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