# I Failed



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I tried everything in my marriage but my husband, I realize now, is just too immature to handle marriage responsibly. He isn't there for me like he used to be. I'm always put on the back burner because he "has me forever". I'm tired of masturbating to porn because we dont have sex. If you asked him, nothing is wrong with our marriage, just a few communication problems. No matter why we get a divorce, I've failed. 

I failed my son. I'm not there for him like mommy should be. I do all the basic necessities but sometimes I look at him and want to cry. After all mommy couldn't give him legs and he will forever use a wheelchair. Mommy couldn't give him other things because she cant get a job. I just had another interview wednesday and I check my email every other minute for the dreaded "i'm sorry but you were not picked". 

My dream has always been to be a singer since I was little. I had the opportunity to sign a recording contract with a well known label years ago but decided to get married and start a family instead because my mother asked me to. All for them. It's what my family wanted from me. Now I'm too old to even think about going there. 

Why am i even here in my family's life? What purpose do I serve for them? i'm useless. I'm going to leave... thinking about trying weed though i haven't before or any other drug.

Sorry about my rant.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

if you have tried all you can, you have not failed.
dont even think of yourself like that.
you tried and that is all that you can do by yourself.

why is it too late to try the singing again?
dont say too old either.

weed fixes nothing, only makes you more broke.

hope you get feeling better.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself.

I have a husband like yours it seems and believe me, I don't see myself as failing because it's not working. My husband will not discuss a thing. He stonewalls, blameshifts when called out on some of his awful behavior, since the honeymoon was over he has not hugged me, kissed me, complimented me, flirted with me, showed compassion or tenderness towards me, unless during sex. Sad really. 

He was also completely apathetic towards the kids. All the talking in the world did no good. He dismissed everything I said and felt.

Point is, you can only do so much and if the other is unwilling, there's not much you can do.

As far as your child goes, I don't think it's your fault and I'm sure your son loves you and needs you. It doesn't matter what you give your kids in a material sense, want they really want and will always remember is the love you show them. Without love, the rest is meaningless.

I can understand the feeling useless part for I felt that too, because of my husband's behavior towards me. But, I now realize, it's not my fault he is the way he is. Apparently he was like this with his previous wife and like I said he is like that with his own children.

Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better. And please realize, you have a lot to offer your son. You have yourself, your love for him. Kids need love, affection, attention, discipline etc, more than material things. It's your love, your relationship with him and your example of what unconditional love is that will carry him through life


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> if you have tried all you can, you have not failed.
> dont even think of yourself like that.
> you tried and that is all that you can do by yourself.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your encouragement. Sorry about my rant. 

Because ideally record labels like young artists, artists that are a teen. The older you get the harder it is to get a contract. On the slim chance that I am able to get a contract it would most likely be on an independent label. That can work sometimes, other times it's just a trap. You sign a contract with them so you wont be able to work with anyone else. Ive heard of independent labels doing this and not doing anything with the artist but holding on to the contract. If I required stipulations, they would be less likely to agree since im older.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't start doing weed. 

That's a cop out. An escape. You're not a failure.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

LoveSong- Gosh, I want to just reach thru the computer screen and give you a big hug & a shoulder to cry on. Come on,... let it all out.

It'll get better... You won't always feel this bad. Your kid loves you forever. He doesn't blame you for the wheelchair. He will grow up to be a strong & resilient soul. He will end up being your salvation.

Sing in the shower, sing while you clean.. sing your happy songs, sing when you're sad. Do not stop it from being a part of your life. If it drives your hubby batty, well, tell him that when he sits down & talks to you.. or takes you out, you will put the music on hold for a while for him.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I know it's really really hard not to obsess about things (like the email).. Take a deep breath & look in the mirror & say. "If it's meant to be, it will be." --- Only check that email site twice a day at most. (seriously). If they are going to email you, they will. If they are going to call you for another interview... they will. 

All you can do is your best. You've had the interview. it's done. Don't replay it in your brain over & over. Just know that with each interview, you will understand more of the questions that will be asked, and you will be better prepared the next time.

And yes, most of all, you DO have purpose in your families lives. You may not actually see it on a day to day basis... They may take it for granted on a day to day basis.. but, wether you believe it or not.. you DO have purpose there.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I know maybe you're hoping to "zone out" and relax for a little while, and maybe that's the comments about the pot. Please don't go there. It will just bring you down harder on yourself later. Whatever happens, you've got to forgive yourself for whatever you feel you did wrong. You didn't. You are just surviving.

Maybe instead, find a good book to get "lost" in?? (sometimes, that's my therapy)

As far as hubby goes. I know exactly how it feels. You feel left out of his life. He "knows" you'll be there forever... so he puts other friends first. Start some conversations with him about "who would he marry to help with your son, if something tragic like 9-11 happened to you".. .. If your mother got super duper sick & you had to go live with her to take care of her... etc, things like that. That would maybe bring to light some of the little day to day things that you do, that he doesn't ever think about. 

Start TELLING him , you miss going out with him. Tell him, you masturbated today, because you missed him so much. (Tell him that part often.).. 1) it might turn him on a little & have him start thinking of it. 2) it's a subtle way to tell him he hasn't been doing his husbandly duties.
Tell him, oh, I heard about 'suchnso' movie that came out. It reminded me of when we did 'xxxxxx' together. Wouldn't it be fun to watch that together? Wouldn't it be fun to do that stuff together again sometime? .. .. then stipulate it with "SOON!"


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Oh, and maybe it woud be a good idea not to watch Americal Idol next week?? I just don't want you being hard on yourself thinking "that could be me".

Just make singing such a part of you life. Sing at the store, sing in the car.. sing when you're picking up your kid from school... whatever. Don't give up on it.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

abandonedcompletely said:


> Sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself.
> 
> I have a husband like yours it seems and believe me, I don't see myself as failing because it's not working. My husband will not discuss a thing. He stonewalls, blameshifts when called out on some of his awful behavior, since the honeymoon was over he has not hugged me, kissed me, complimented me, flirted with me, showed compassion or tenderness towards me, unless during sex. Sad really.
> 
> ...



Reading this made me cry, the part about my son. Thank you for your wise words.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Don't start doing weed.
> 
> That's a cop out. An escape. You're not a failure.


It'd be better than the other option...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Love Song said:


> It'd be better than the other option...


your other option is to stand and be strong for yourself and your child and to quit seeing yourself as a failure.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

LoveSong I'm not sure what to say to you in relation to the relationship with your husband except see what people suggest here and give it a shot. If you've nothing left in your own arsenal then borrow a few shots from others.

I would strongly urge you to join a support group in relation to your child's disability. You need to be around others who understand how you feel.

In regards to a singing career there are new options out there that were not available even 5 years ago. There are sites where musicians from across the globe can create music together without ever meeting. Artists are being discovered online that might never have been found before. If you write your own songs try hooking up with some independent film makers. They will be glad to use new, different music and will allow you your freedom while exposing you to new audiences. Do not rule out singing in stage dramas and musicals. Radio dramas also welcome new works and singers. Sing at open Microphone nights. Get someone to record your performances and put them up on video sites. Go to places where like minded individuals hang out. Get in contact with community radio stations they are often hubs where others like you get a start. Think outside your own territory. Are there smaller regions where you might get your singing recognised first? Start working on some demos now or try reworking old demos. There are lots of things you can try - just don't give up!


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Well I didn't get the job. Got the email this mourning. Weird thing is I don't feel down about it. I think it's because I've already grieved the loss of it because I knew I wasn't going to get it. 

I'm drug free and will remain that way. 

My son may be disabled but he is still a pretty normal kid. I listened while he told me the other day in great detail about his pirate dream where he was the pirate and he killed a giant spider. It was pretty interesting. He crawls really fast and besides him never being able to walk he is really healthy. Other people who have my son's condition usually have major organ problems. My son doesn't have that. He has his health and I'm grateful for that. 

I could cry boo hoo that i dont have this job but i wont, it wont break us financially. We just have to spend within our limits which is what we do. I'm taking this as a sign, I didn't get it because this isn't what I was meant to do with my life. It would be harder to become a singer now that I am older but with technology these days, it isn't impossible. And that's where I am now going to focus my efforts. I'm an artist at heart and that's what I need to be happy in a career. 

Sorry about the pity party in my first post, thought I would update everyone and let ya'll know how I am doing.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Love Song said:


> Well I didn't get the job. Got the email this mourning. Weird thing is I don't feel down about it. I think it's because I've already grieved the loss of it because I knew I wasn't going to get it.
> 
> I'm drug free and will remain that way.
> 
> ...


good, glad to hear you are feeling much better about things.

keep a positive outlook and things will improve for you and your son. 

and good on the drugs too, that would do nothing but make things much worse for you, and you dont need that im sure.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

Good to hear you are in better spirits. If you get bad feelings again, call a friend or seek some professional help


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I start my new job next monday working from home as supervisor for customer service work at home agents. So I'll get to work and not have to find a baby sitter for my son.  I'm so happy to have this job and a purpose in my family!! :smthumbup: :yay:


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Love Song said:


> I start my new job next monday working from home as supervisor for customer service work at home agents. So I'll get to work and not have to find a baby sitter for my son.  I'm so happy to have this job and a purpose in my family!! :smthumbup: :yay:


Good Luck with your new job!!  You seemed to be pretty low in your first post. I was looking for some good stuff to send your way to generate some positive vibes. I like this documentary that I watch when I feel low. You might like it too. I couldn't find the free version online. This is just the first 20mins. You can find it on Netflix online streaming etc. Its called 'The Secret'. The Secret - First 20 mins - YouTube


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## Davi (Apr 20, 2012)

How you failed!! You have tried your best and still trying. People failed when they stop trying. So, don't stop trying.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Thank you Eowyn I will add it to my netflix. 


Davi - I didn't stop trying. I start working soon thanks for the encouragement!! It means a lot. :thumbup:


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Also I am not giving up on my dream to be a singer. I will do whatever I can to make it. I just have to pursue it as a hobby right now and not a full time job because I wont have the time to pursue it full time while working. I don't know how far I'll go but I only have one life to live and I don't want my age to come in the way. 

MY SON - I have learned that I have about 3 days out of the year where I think the worst of myself as a person and as a mother for what my son has to go through being disabled. This thread was started on one of those days. But all other days I am so happy to have my son in my life I barely think about his disability. Living with his disablity is just our normal way of life now. 

For the record doctors don't know what causes his condition. Because of this on those 3 days of every year I blame myself. The what if's kill me on those days. 

I am a great mother to my son. I know I said I wasn't in my first post but that isn't the truth. I was being to hard on myself. When I have those really horrible days 3 times a year my husband does more around the house. But every other day I am the best mom. I go above and beyond the call to make sure he has as normal and fulfilled life as possible. My son is one of the happiest kids I've ever seen. When we are in stores people often stop and look at him and smile and laugh because he is so lively and imaginative. I am so lucky to be his mom. 


My MARRIAGE - My husband has shown some huge personal growth in the last few weeks. After years of dealing with his uncooperative nature in regards to working on our marriage he is now interested. And he is better at taking constructive criticism. I have great hope for our future if things continue to progress as they are which I believe they will.


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