# Where I am now?



## sunshinesas (Jul 18, 2010)

Original thread:https://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/362562-32-years-coming-end-5.html
Things were not truly over until August 10th 2018, Ex's last stall tactics and game playing came to an end, at least legally. 

I am back with a great therapist and made huge strides,many more to go. I thought I would or should be at a better place but as my therapist said "in 1.5 years you moved, sold properties, moved jobs, got divorced, empty nested and throw in a ? (she isn't sure what ex was but trying to figure it out) and the hell he put you through you had zero time to grieve." So now I am, slowly, one day at a time.
My main focus is getting over the hate, it is much easier than dealing with all the other emotions and some PTSD/fear issues of seeing him and isolating myself to cope. The few times I saw him, if even driving down the road, presented me with a panick/anxiety reaction I never dealt with. I strive to conquer the seeing him because until I do I realize it still like he is controlling my life and I can't have that.
I have had to deal with mutual people (flying monkeys)wanting to divulge and question what he is up to, I can now tell them I don't know nor care and frankly don't want to hear about it, we have better things to talk about (or we won't talk). 
Kids are much better, they now see him for what he is and love him in spite of it. Ex crossed some boundaries with our golden child daughter and all she said in June while on vacation "My father is not allowed to speak your name or talk about you ever again!" He will continue and lose them but that is not for me to fix. I know they are hurt by him but they are adults and I know longer have to be the peacemaker.
Much as I hope he would move far away and that constant roller coaster of leaving and staying, he bought a house here. Funny its a fixer upper dump with a pool; this man hated to fix anything and never touched any pool we ever had much less swim in one. Oh how they change.
I am alone and trying to make friends, seems a bit harder when we age. I am lonely at time and wish for true love and companionship but I can't take this hot mess into anything yet nor would I. Maybe one day when I learn to love myself first.
I have learned now all the red flags and know these types are magnets to us empathy's, they are attracted to all they truly aren't and can't be. 
I am still sad, I still want closure I will never get, sometimes I want to kidnap ex and tape him to a chair and torture him to get answers LOL, nah his isn't worth jail time. As my therapist says, "its ok to think it!"
I am a moderator on a great forum for those dealing with Narcissist relationships and abuse. I am not sure what ex is but I finally read a book "Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist" and it was my life and made sense. 
Thank you all for being here and being great sounding boards. I went back and searched from many years ago boards I had posted on pleading for help, wanting it all to make sense. I does and it doesn't some days.
I have plenty of faults and flaws but I know I did all I could to make my marriage work, I gave until I had nothing left of me. Now I have to find that person again.
Sue


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kudos to you for finally getting out, well done! It sounds like it was a rough fight, but you have prevailed!


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