# She won't initiate the change that is necessary to overcome her problems.



## SamsungUser86 (Apr 22, 2013)

Okay, so we are getting married in 3 months... but there is a lot to work on. We have been dating for over 4 years and I have been through a hell of a lot with her. 

She is 25. Discovered this year she has PTSD, bipolar, PCOS, bicorneate uterus, GERD, and maybe slight sleep apnea. 

Her hormones according to her have been crazy since we met almost 5 years ago. Rapid mood cycling, rapid weight gain (60 pounds since we got together. 30 of that in the last year), chin hair growth, pelvic pain, and almost daily nausea. 

Doctors have her on AD medication, steroids, and others... she is taking approximately 4 or 5 pills every morning. We went to the doctor 2 months ago and when asked what she does for physical activity she said not much, and she barely eats, and when she does eat it is not healthy foods and eats a lot at once. The doctor told her she needs to lose weight and to exercise and eat more green vegetables or her conditions at such a young age will only get worse and that she needs to take advantage of her age while she can since she is still young. My fiance replies with "How am I supposed to get motivated to exercise when I am always tired and have hip pain?" The doctor said she wants to see us again in 3 months and up until then she needs to try her hardest to push through the pain and the feelings of being tired because its in her own best interest. But now we have to see the doctor in 3 weeks and nothing has changed. 

She always complains about pelvic pain, about nausea, waking up at night, snoring, always sleepy and tired... weekly she wakes up telling me she is sick. We have gone on walks, and gone to the gym but she never sticks with anything. I go to the gym myself (b/c I work in a gym) at least twice a week regularly and attempting to go 3 times a week now. She is off all week during the day after 1pm and either goes home and sleeps, or cleans the house some which I do the majority of on the weekends when she is gone so it's unnecessary. I try to take on more responsibilities like cleaning, laundry, and cooking so that she would not have a excuse to not work on her health. But there is always always always a excuse. 

When we first started dating I worked out 4-5 times at the gym per week and she went about twice a week. And going through the last 4 years trying to figure out what is physically wrong with her and causing her pain and nausea has been tough. Especially her mental stuff like the PTSD and depression. I don't feel like the same person I used to be, and even under doctor's orders she won't put the necessary effort forward. I go out of my way to cook healthy foods like chicken, and make salads and healthy soups, but I look on our bank account and when she is at work she would rather buy fast food and then come home with the food I prepared and say she didn't have time to take a break. I really am reaching the end of my patience. When I commented a week ago about all this and how frustrated her choices are to me, she just called me shallow and told me that I am supposed to love her no matter how heavy she is, and I told her that it's about your health... it's not me talking anymore... it's the doctors. We spent hundreds of dollars trying to figure out what is wrong with her, and exercise and a healthy diet are doctor's orders for the treatment of her PCOS which in turn would help her moods, decrease her sleep apnea, and be in less pain. Even the doctor said that there is nothing to suggest that the hip pain is from anything other than carrying excess weight.

She is 25 years old, 210 pounds at 5' 1." 

My dad is over 400 pounds and I have had to watch himself eat himself to death my whole life, and now my fiance is doing the same thing. I try so hard for her to have the opportunity to improve her situation, but she doesn't care. I don't know what to do anymore. She keeps bringing up how she wants to lose weight for the wedding, but now she just wants the dress altered because it's too tight. 

I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do. There aren't any more pills she can take to help her health, but it's almost as if she is just waiting for a quick fix or something but 4 years on now... there isn't one.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Why are you still marrying her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wouldn't get married. Not until she showed she wanted to help herself and get healthier, and did so on a consistent basis... oh say at least 6 months.


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## SamsungUser86 (Apr 22, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I wouldn't get married. Not until she showed she wanted to help herself and get healthier, and did so on a consistent basis... oh say at least 6 months.


I know what you mean. Marriage would only make her even more comfortable and probably not want to do anything.


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## SamsungUser86 (Apr 22, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Why are you still marrying her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because other than her health choices, I love her very much. There is a lot of good about our relationship, but plenty of frustrations too. lol

I have worked in a gym for 5 years now, and after talking to many personally trainers and nutritionists I know exactly what she needs to do, but she won't listen to me because it's coming from me. I told her what the doctors would tell her before we even saw them but that doesn't matter to her. If it comes from me that she should eat this, this, and this then I am just trying to control her and her food. Or if I try to show her how to do a exercise she doesn't want to hear it or does and goes on doing it however she wanted to... 

So unless someone else is telling her about her health and nutrition, it won't happen.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Marriage won't make things better. Postpone the wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You may need to do an intervention and get her into an inpatient facility. She will only have more health problems like high bp and diabetes. I would postpone the wedding jmo.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Marriage is a big mistake. You can love her without marrying her. 

You say she won't listen to you. There is no way of knowing if she will ever listen to anyone.

Never get married thinking things will change/get better/etc. It is what it is and marriage if anything typically makes issues worse.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Things will only get worse after you marry, do you think she would be a good example if you have kids? Could she handle them? Could you be the strong one alway? 

The only time peolple change is when they really want to, even so it take lots of effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SamsungUser86 said:


> She is 25 years old, 210 pounds at 5' 1."


I'm no doctor, but I do know that an astonishing number of ailments disappear when you lose weight. I also read that it can affect estrogen/testosterone levels too, which leads to some of these mood swings and the facial hair you mentioned.

As she gets older, the problem won't get better by itself.

Unfortunately, you can't change her. She has to do it. The most you can do, if you are willing to take it that far, is to give her an ultimatum to either get serious about her weight or you walk. She's an adult, and I don't see what else you can do.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think breaking up with her may help her find herself and get help, she maybe relying on you as a co-dependency
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Your fiancé is obese, the likely cause of her sleep apnea, hip pain, chronic tiredness and GERD, and she refuses to do anything about it. 

She is also suffering from PCOS and has a bicorneate uterus, both of which will make future fertility a serious concern and may make having children all but impossible.

She is _also_ suffering from bipolar disorder and PTSD. You don't say what trauma has precipitated the PTSD, but it's likely to mean she will need rather intensive therapy. She will also need to manage her bipolar on an ongoing basis for the rest of her life.

I think it may be time to decide what, exactly, it is that you want for your marriage and your future. Are you okay with an emotionally compromised partner with mental health issues? Are you good with perhaps never having children? Are you fine with an obese spouse who complains of ailments that would disappear if only she would lose weight - but she won't? Would you be thrilled to spend the next 40+ years with her, precisely as she is right now? 

I'm sure you love her very much and I'm sure she's an overall lovely person. However, you cannot fix her. You cannot save her or rescue her. She is not a damsel in distress and you are not a knight in shining armor swooping in on your white horse to rescue her from the terrible dragon. This damsel must figure out how to save herself. And right now, she doesn't even appear to _want_ to be saved.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

SamsungUser86 said:


> Okay, so we are getting married in 3 months... but there is a lot to work on. We have been dating for over 4 years and I have been through a hell of a lot with her.
> 
> She is 25. Discovered this year she has PTSD, bipolar, PCOS, bicorneate uterus, GERD, and maybe slight sleep apnea.
> 
> ...


Brother i'm really sorry to be so blunt but if you marry her you deserve everything you get. You can't control her and she will only change when she wants. The only thing you can affect is the marriage date. Pospone or stop it.

PS: Unless you have poor self esteem issues or have the "knight in shining armor" disorder why would you do this to yourself? My mistake was the hurricane of sex I initially got was so good it clouded my jugdement and made me stupid. Whats your excuse?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Postpone. If her health issues are a problem for you now, they will only likely get worse after.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Postpone the wedding! I am very sorry she is having medical issues, but if she has no interest in getting herself better and taking care of herself, there isnt a damn thing that you can do about it. You can support and encourage until your face turns blue. If you marry her, you are guaranteeing misery for yourself.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The reasonable expectation of marriage is to share and spend the rest of your life with a partner. While life itself has no guarantees, couples want long happy lives together. 

Your fiance is wrong when she says you should love her no matter what. One huge myth of marriage is that it is a non conditional relationship... it's simply NOT true. She owes it to you (the one she plans to commit herself to) to keep herself in good health. If she doesn't care about herself, you cannot expect her to care for you either. 

You can accept this is how she is, as you can't change her, only support and encourage her down the right path, but that doesn't mean you are required to marry into that mindset. You can love her, but you do not have to shackle yourself to her destructive lifestyle and go down the tubes with her. It wouldn't be any different if she was a drug addict or alcoholic. She has to want to help herself and at least TRY to show you that much.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Dude, you're fed up with her now....you think marrying her will make anything better? She is going to continue on her downward spiral; it gets much worse. She'll have you as her meal ticket, locked in for life, she'll NEVER have to worry about impressing anyone....and, by marrying her you are letting her know, "it's okay that you are obese and unhealthy and won't listen to the doctors or me....I still love you, so do whatever you want, keep on eating garbage".

She is lazy and doesn't care about eating healthy. She's obese and arrogant, won't listen to you or even doctors. She just doesn't give a chit.

Do not marry this person.

But if you do, I guess we'll be seeing a lot more of you around here.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

If you can't love her in sickness and in health, then don't. 

It's not too late to cancel or postpone the wedding. 

Your future is not looking bright, my friend. But kudos to you for doing what you have up to this point.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have never been able to relate to the mindset of feeling comfortable and thus letting myself go in my relationship. I work on me and keeping myself looking and feeling good. And I want hubz to look at me and think, yeah, I'm really happy here with her because of it.

An earlier poster mentioned the unconditional aspect. It sounds like she doesn't get that marriage is not based on an unconditional love. Have you explained this to her?

I also know the frustration of pain through exercise and just daily living. I have a back condition that can be aggravated just day-to-day. When it's bad it is offputting. What I DO know is that I have staved off it potentially getting worse by regular exercise. I found exercise that I enjoy - that way it just isn't a chore at all - it really is like doing a favourite hobby. Everyone's a winner. Maybe if she can do that she might be taking a small step forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> If you can't love her in sickness and in health, then don't.
> 
> It's not too late to cancel or postpone the wedding.
> 
> Your future is not looking bright, my friend. But kudos to you for doing what you have up to this point.


I would say he is lucky to realize this now before he marries, has a couple of kids and drowns himself in alcohol to numb the pain. OP LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! ITS SCREAMING! DONT MARRY HER!


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

I just watched my dad do this to my step-mom. He had several health issues, some of which he did not even tell her. Over 12 years of marriage he gained a huge amt of weight, had some legit health issues and others he created by food addiction. Had all the support in the world from stepmom and from me, offers to go to gym with him, healthy food cooked at home, lots of family support and even a few intervention type meetings where we told him we loved him and needed him so please try to take care of yourself better. In February he had a heart attack and died. Spent 3 days on life support. We found out he had not told even his wife about how bad his heart had become. Refused to take doctor advice to get stent and take BP meds. We just got a nice letter from one of the recipients of his organs. My step-mom is devastated and grieving as my dad was not yet 60 and could have been there for several more years had he taken control.

I work in the health field and I can also tell you, if you were to get married I presume kids would be in the plans at some point. Overweight pregnant women are a recipe for disaster- much higher rates of complications in pregnancy and childbirth, delayed wound healing from c-sections, increased risk of gestational diabetes which leads to a great increase in heart defects and other things in a baby if that is not controlled well. Huge risk for pregnancy induced hypertension which can lead to early induction of a labor to save mom's life, resulting in a preemie if the baby is viable. If she cannot control her health now, she will have a harder time when she's pregnant and lives are at stake.

On the other hand, maybe her way of controlling her life is to be defiant and eat the unhealthy food, put off the doctor appointments. It sounds like she needs a lot of support and positive self-esteem building, and meeting people who have similar issues as herself. Support groups can be so beneficial for both of you.

Living with depression and chronic health issues is very hard and it's like climbing Mt Everest some days to get out of bed and take a shower. But if it's important for her, if she is worth it to herself, and your relationship and future is important to her, she can take steps to improve. But for now yeah, give it time and let her find her own inner strength with you cheering her on.


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