# Ladies - I made a mistake, I hurt her and I'm dreadfully sorry.



## BlindLove (May 30, 2013)

I made a mistake, I am utterly sorry and not sure what else to do. Please help. 

EDIT*
It may be hard for you to believe/understand but I didn't tell her out of my own selfishness, we've probably been holding back from one another over the past couple of years and 6 months ago she went through a bit of soul searching transformation and let her self completely and totally love me again with reckless abandon. Because she is so wonderful it helped me to tear down my walls and do the same, that's why I told her, because I didn't want something between us, even if it isn't "terrible", I didn't want to hold that secret from her.
END EDIT*

Some context...

My wife and I met at the ages of 15/16 respectively. We immediately fell in love with one another and we were parents of our first child by the age of 17. Due to financial/employment reasons we moved to where I spent my teenage years. At this point in our lives we weren't officially "married" but I've always considered her my wife and vice-versa I her husband.

She was struggling with her new surroundings, she had no one, no friends, no family and I was working like a madman trying to provide for us. 6-7 days a week 12-16 hour days in a factory.

I wasnt able to "be there" enough for her and I put myself ahead of "Us". We fought alot, argued a lot, but mostly her loneliness and my inability to help her with it. I was 17/18, with a baby, a full-time 7-day, 12-hour-days job and I was over-whelmed.
I began hanging out with friends, with what little time I had off. We would go to rock shows around the state and just hang out and have fun, and I liked being a teenager again. My memory isn't the best, but at some point I met a group of people, a guy I went to school with , his sister who was a single mom a couple of years older than I and a couple other people.
I hung out with them on a couple of occasions and I enjoyed the attention of this guy's sister, I don't remember her name or even what she looked like. I recall hanging out with them once for lunch and then a few days later I was at the gas station after work and her brother came up to me and said "Hey, we're going up to the beach, wanna come with us?" it was 10 at ngiht and I stupidly said "Sure, sounds like fun" and I hopped into the car with them all and we went to the beach.

I don't remember all the details but I recall us in the water at the beach there and at some point the sister put her arms around me. And I didn't hate it. We were being flirtatious. I then remember being back in town with her and her brother in her car. We parked in front of the house she lived in 
She had to run in, Then we were in her car where we sat and chatted, and again i didn't hate it, I enjoyed the attention and I was having fun as a teenager. After a few minutes I recall putting my arm around her, around her shoulders. And we kept chatting, a couple minutes after that she invited me into her house. And thats when it hit me.

Like a ton of bricks crashing down on me I had a sinking scared feeling of what I had just spent the last 3 hours doing. Flirting with her and giving the wrong impression of availability. I told her "No, I gotta run" and I left her car within seconds.
I called my wife and I told her how I just wanted to hear her voice, how I was scared but I never told her why, the poor girl was sitting at home at 2 in the morning, with our baby, worrying about me because it was lightning and she knew I was on my motorbike. meanwhile I was going around being the most terrible and disgusting version of myself.
I called her because I realized the error in my ways, I realized how wonderful a gift she was, how utterly precious she was and how f***ing stupid I was for ever having put my feelings first and put my relationship and family in Jeopardy.
I rode my Motorcycle home, I walked in the door bawling like a baby and I couldn't tell her why. I just couldn't stand the thought of how much it would hurt her to hear. I was a f***ing shameless coward and I am so distraught for having let "us" down.
For the next 16 years I carried this with me, this heavy, ugly stone on my back that I couldn't put down, I tried to tell myself "You didn't CHEAT on her, it's OKAY", "You were young and stupid it was just a silly mistake", "If you just wait long enough it will go away". 
Earlier this week, my wife, through her amazing wonderfulness inspired me (unknowingly) and gave me the courage to step forward and come clean.

It has absolutely crushed her world.

In her eyes I have done the utterly unthinkable and I have broken her heart into 1,000 pieces.

I have let everyone I know down, but most of all I have let the woman I love so deeply and intensely loved since I was 16 years old down I let down my family.

My love for my wife, is indescribable. She is my best friend, my love and my rock. She picks me up when I'm down, she cheers me on when I'm up, she takes care of me and most of all she was hopelessly head-over-heels in love with me. And I let her down. I devastated her world.
I am going to try to pick up every single one of the 1,000 pieces of her heart and glue them all back together, and I'm going to make her a hurt-proof box to keep it in so no one else, myself included can ever hurt her like I've hurt her. I pray that she can one day forgive me. And allow herself to love me so hopelessly again.

Is there any advice out there? I'm dying here.  Am I being too hard on myself? Or shameful for thinking I am? Should my wife be so upset?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have no idea why you felt the need to tell her after 16 years except to relieve YOUR burden. That is extremely selfish; stop playing the victim and looking for sympathy and understand that while this is old news to you it is new to her. That's what you created by unburdening yourself and what your should feel the worst about. Now just step back, don't burden her with your hysterics, and ask her what she needs from you. She may just need processing time without you clinging and begging, which by the way is very unattractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlindLove (May 30, 2013)

To some extent you're right. And maybe the "hysterics" are coming across more than they are there.

She has thanked me over and over for telling her. She says she "knew" there was something about that night all those years ago but could never put her finger on it and she is relieved it wasn't as bad as she feared.

It may be hard for you to believe/understand but I didn't tell her out of my own selfishness, we've probably been holding back from one another over the past couple of years and 6 months ago she went through a bit of soul searching transformation and let her self completely and totally love me again with reckless abandon. Because she is so wonderful it helped me to tear down my walls and do the same, that's why I told her, because I didn't want something between us, even if it isn't "terrible", I didn't want to hold that secret from her.

We are working through it, my concern is when she wakes up in the mornings having to re-process it everyday....and I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if I forced her into that for the rest of her life...anyways, I don't know how to express it all that well I guess.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your story exemplifies why teenagers shouldn't get married. Of course you were stupid, you were a teenager and that what they do best.

That infant you spoke about is now 16-17 right? Do you delude yourself into thinking your teenaged child is mature enough to handle all the responsibilities you handled with out cracking up like you did?

I don't think you should have told her. What you have on your hands now is the same reaction you would have had on your hands all those years ago. You simply delayed the response. Seems rather selfish to me, that you unburdened yourself. Why bring her that pain? Unless she already had a very good idea about what had happened that night and wanted confirmation...But if that were the case, she wouldn't be so heartbroken now, she would have already done the mourning.

All that you can do now is pick up the pieces and keep moving foreword with her, allowing her to be as angry and upset as she wants.

For me personally, I'd think she would get over this rather quickly. I'm sure you weren't the best husband during those years, you describe many circumstances that even the most attentive and mature couple would find challenging (work hours, extreme youth, and early parenting) and it's probably that resentment that keeps her fires fueled.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

BlindLove said:


> To some extent you're right. And maybe the "hysterics" are coming across more than they are there.
> 
> She has thanked me over and over for telling her. She says she "knew" there was something about that night all those years ago but could never put her finger on it and she is relieved it wasn't as bad as she feared.
> 
> ...



First I want to applaud you for telling your wife. Yes she deserved to know. I'm 100% against the "not telling" mentality. The difference is it should be told right away to deal with it at that point. Telling 16 years later is REALLY bad, because now your wife is looking at the man you are now as having been less than "pure" (not willing to call it cheating, it sounds like you stopped yourself unless some physical activity happened more than arms around the other) while in reality it was you the BOY who did those things. You're 100% a different person than you were at 17.

So you have to deal with your wife's thoughts now. So how much of your reaction is based on what she's telling you, versus how much is you panicing and reading into things? The key thing here is to be available for her to deal with whatever she needs to deal with. Prepare to carry some burden for a while. Be remorseful, but DO NOT read into her. Hopefully she'll tell you what she feels and thinks AND THEN DEAL WITH THAT, but it's critical for you not to walk around like the pariah of the earth. She may be mad and gradually let go of it, but if you act a lot more guilty, then she may think you're not telling the full truth.

Also TELL THE FULL TRUTH without trickling. 

Lastly, to answer your hidden question...Is your wife being reasonable for being hurt...Yes. Is this the same as if you cheated last year.....NOT EVEN CLOSE. If you're being honest with us, then you didn't even cheat...you got close, but you stopped yourself. That's not a good thing, but it's far from cheating.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You made some mistakes as a teenager and, sadly, this is what teenagers do. Somehow you and your W are going to have to navigate beyond the bombshell you dropped in her lap, and counseling might be an option for you both.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i disagree with the above people that you shouldn't have told her.

the thing that struck me the most is that you flirted with this girl and DID NOT have sex with her. your moral compass pulled you out of there and you went home. when faced with temptation, you made the right decision. 

I don't want to undermine this at all - it ate you up for 16 years, but you were young, got into a situation, but did not go through with it.

It sounds like you and your wife have an amazing love story. It sounds like you have survived together against all odds. The fact that you are still so in love with her is just beautiful.

Marriages survive full blown physical affairs that just happened. This was a long time ago. Continue to show your wife your deep profound love, and the fact that this happened so long ago, and that you haven't strayed since, will keep it strong. good luck.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> the thing that struck me the most is that you flirted with this girl and DID NOT have sex with her. your moral compass pulled you out of there and you went home. when faced with temptation, you made the right decision.
> 
> I don't want to undermine this at all - it ate you up for 16 years, but you were young, got into a situation, but did not go through with it.


Exactly. You did NOT go through with it! You are a good and honorable man.

My own DH was in a similar situation and he didn't have the strength and the character to do what you did and leave. 

Really, I don't understand why she is so upset. The bottom line is you were inappropriate, but you did NOT cheat on her!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm all for honesty in relationships, but I'm not completely sure it was necessary for the OP to admit to flirting with a woman all those years back. It doesn't sound like he went to first base with the girl, let alone have sex with her, so was it really worth opening up this can of worms with his W now?

Pretty immaterial now, though, because his W knows and is probably imagining that a lot more went on than the OP is admitting to. I truly hope they can move beyond this very quickly.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok you need to put it in perspective, you did the right thing telling her because in my opinion, nothing is more painful to "know something" but not have your spouse come clean about it even after years. Time does not heal if there is something in the back of your mind and the only person who can help you refuses to keep quiet for their own pride.

I'm sure she is relieved to know the truth and that it really could have been worse, which is probably what she agonized about all these years.
But please come clean with everything, if not you are only killing your marriage. if she finds out there is more she may not forgive you. So man up and be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> I'm all for honesty in relationships, but I'm not completely sure it was necessary for the OP to admit to flirting with a woman all those years back. It doesn't sound like he went to first base with the girl, let alone have sex with her, so was it really worth opening up this can of worms with his W now?
> 
> Pretty immaterial now, though, because his W knows and is probably imagining that a lot more went on than the OP is admitting to. I truly hope they can move beyond this very quickly.



I think it's the fact that he would not tell her and she knew something happened, it's painful to know that your spouse can't be honest with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlindLove (May 30, 2013)

IsGirl3 and DadandHubby,

Thank you both for your comments, you both seem to really understand where we are at. Both of you have provided me some feedback that I can use going forward without telling me just what I WANT to hear.

IsGirl3:
"It sounds like you and your wife have an amazing love story. It sounds like you have survived together against all odds. The fact that you are still so in love with her is just beautiful."

That really does sum it up best. Thats why I had to tell her because we are so openly in-love again I didn't want their to be "something". Thanks for your comments.

DadandHubby:
"So you have to deal with your wife's thoughts now. So how much of your reaction is based on what she's telling you, versus how much is you panicing and reading into things? The key thing here is to be available for her to deal with whatever she needs to deal with. Prepare to carry some burden for a while. Be remorseful, but DO NOT read into her. Hopefully she'll tell you what she feels and thinks AND THEN DEAL WITH THAT, but it's critical for you not to walk around like the pariah of the earth. She may be mad and gradually let go of it, but if you act a lot more guilty, then she may think you're not telling the full truth.

Also TELL THE FULL TRUTH without trickling. "

I have been brutally honest with all of you and more importantly, with my wife. To the point where even though I know she is reaching and hoping I'll say something about that situation, I refuse to tell her what she "wants me to say" I tell her the truth. She deserves all of the truth (and so much more from me) and I hope one day she'll forgive me for the truth and not some made-up trickery.

Thank you also for your comments.

As an aside,

It's been really interesting as I've gone through this with my wife to see how many people find it crazy that I told her, and ultimately her and I both know it was absolutely the right thing to do, should I have told her 16 years ago ABSOLUTELY, but would we have come through it as well then? Who knows right? I think it's providential that it's happened the way it is.

Anyhow, thanks all


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

mablenc said:


> I think it's the fact that he would not tell her and she knew something happened, it's painful to know that your spouse can't be honest with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, this is true. Nothing worse than having suspicions but not really knowing...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Yes, this is true. Nothing worse than having suspicions but not really knowing...


Maybe she always assumed he cheated so in a dark sort of way, this is actually "good" news for her (in that weird twisted vile good way)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Maybe she always assumed he cheated so in a dark sort of way, this is actually "good" news for her (in that weird twisted vile good way)


If she's had suspicions all these years, it probably will bring some welcome closure. Initially, I was thinking she had been living in blissful ignorance - not that there was actually anything major for him to disclose, in the scheme of things.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

You were very, very young. You flirted with cheating...but before things got serious, you stopped it. I honestly applaud you. 

I don't think it served any purposed in telling her.

But that's neither here nor there at this point. You told her. It's done.

All you can do now is love her through it. She's going to be in pain. It's all old news to you...for her, it is brand new.


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