# Disappointed in husband or am I overreacting?



## searchingforanswers

My husband and I have been married for just over 4 years but have been together for about 10. Before we got married I did not give any thought to getting married young (24) and how much we would change, what he or I would turn out to become (emotionally, physically, professionally) how we would parent our children and how that might differ, how our relationship would change/grow/not grow together, etc and I now in hindsight wish I would have paid more attention to it. If I had I think I would have never choosen to marry my husband and that hurts to say. 
We went straight from getting married to being pregnant in less than a month and a half, so we did not get to enjoy simply being newlyweds and having some of these conversations. The focus switched quickly to the baby and not about us, so I can see some of his frustration there (sexually). Our sex lives diminished quite a bit to if he was lucky a few times a month. I was stressed and overwhelmed and not feeling great about my new body, etc. I started working out and that helped a lot, I got pregnant again and during that time he got laid off and I was put on bed rest early so financially we began to hurt majorly. 
During this time, I began to loose a lot of respect for my husband as he was not as quick as I would have liked to have seen to figure out what he was going to do and ensure we sustained our mortgage and bills and the upcoming arrival of another child. He finally got it together and landed a decent job, but of course not before I had a major meltdown (pretty much the reason why), since then we had to continue to dig ourselves out of debt, and again due to the level of stress and working F/t again our sex lives had diminsed mainly because I was not seeing what I expected from him as a father and husband; provider, equality of family duties, support, etc. It got really bad for a while, and then to top it off he got laid off again. He finally decided to go back to school, and again he has not embodied the initiative and sense of urgency I would like to see from a now 30 yr old MAN (I use that word loosely)! It again took me blowing up and being fed up to get this decision out of him. Of course we are now really feeling the pinch because I make just under what it takes to keep us afloat. We are not receiving unemployment due to an error in processing. I could keep going, but for the sake of what? 
I guess my main question is, what should I expect from him as a father and husband? I have a Dad that bent over backwards and owned his own business and respect him very much for that. He instilled such a strong work ethic in me that I plan to share with my kids. It seems to me that my husband does ONLY what is easy for him, not what is best for us, there is no sacrafice or thought to the now or future. He even had a great example, his father worked 2 jobs while he put himself through college and is very successful today and yet - nothing. He almost pride's himself on how simple he is and that he is easy going, etc - but in these circumstances, it is not OK. Am I overreacting or is this not ok? I thought as we grow up these things would fall into place and you simply grew up. After our kids, he is still the same person - what happened?
I know I have to change some things myself if we are to have a healthy lasting relationship, but how do I explain to my husband that I am not satisfied and point blank disappointed in the person he has become or lack there of? I have tried to change my paradigm and act happy and be loving, to to be the chagnes I want to see in him (I have gone back to school too and I am training for a half marathon) but that ultimitely does not get me the desired changes I long for- responsible, initiative and integrity, etc. How can I help him see? At this point can it be/he be helped? I feel like if he doesn't make any changes in these areas, I don't want to be with him. Is that too harsh?
Any advice? Thank you for listening, I just don't know what to do anymore.


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## italiana86

Honestly, it sounds to me like that he is trying to do, changing jobs and now going to school to get a degree so he can ear more later on, but you don't see that! Why don't you just appreciate him trying to do something... even thou he is not like your father, he is his self!! Yes it is hard to go through finically issues but isn't his effort to change something more important? his love?? does he treat you bad on top of this fin. issue? Does he treat you disrespectful? Does he do any harm besides that? I would love to understand why you are disappointed...!

don't forget you married him for what he is and not what he could be! Nobody will be like Daddy!


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## Sensitive

I can totally relate to your disappointment that your husband has fallen short of your expectations. I think many men are clueless. My husband has always been neglectful of childcare, household, financial duties. Instead of standing strong like you, I have grown to be a very distant coward of a wife. I give all my time to the kids. I wish I had the discipline to even go to the gym more than once per week, and you are training for a marathon. That's pretty impressive. I also think you have very honorable goals, but your perception is that your husband is failing you. Is your husband a good father? Is there a lot of positive traits he has that you haven't mentioned? As many people have advised to me, just relax, don't focus on negatives, and enjoy the kids while they are young.


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## 20yrs

I do not mean to be harsh.. _but you DID ask for advice, correct_?? .... I think you are focusing on his faults way too much.

Here is the hard honest truth... you get more of what you focus on.

Focus on his strong points. _Yes, he does have some_!

NOBODY performs well if they are under constant criticism.

Your story is similar to many. You have a choice to either choose to love him for who he is, let him know (sincerely) of all the things that you appreciate about him.... (*which will make him WANT to be your MAN* - _works almost every time, unless there is a case of mental depression, etc..._...) , or continue to hold him up against your daddys standard and make him feel worthless.

Men are men. You will NEVER change them by *trying to change them*.

Never worked and never will work!


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## searchingforanswers

Thank you, you are all so right. I am focusing way too much on the negative and that is only magnifying it. I need to focus on why I married him and the positive traits and encourage and support him. I do take him for granted and that is wrong of me. I started reading the 7 habits and it has helped me, but I still have a long way to go. Last night I asked him to read it with me and he has agreed, so for now I will focus on the positives and baby steps.
Thanks again! This has helped me see a different perspective.


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