# Family counseling with very passive aggressive spouse if divorce is inevitable



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

The title of this post pretty much says it all, though that won't stop me from the verbose explanation coming next.

I am pretty much, 99%, decided on filing for divorce in the next few months, which is sad because we have two kids, ages 5 years and 19 months. The problem is that my husband is incredibly passive aggressive. He won't get a job, plays fantasy sports on the computer all day, and doesn't help out around the house/cook dinner/give baths to the kids (even though I am the "breadwinner" and work full-time). Our marriage went downhill about 2.5 years ago when he lost his job (or 7 years) when I was in a full-time masters program. He lost his job due to tardiness. He was warned for 3 months that I know of, probably longer, and finally they fired him. His excuse was that he couldn't get our "difficult" daughter to daycare on time. That's nice -- blame a 2.5 year old kid. And, I too, was at fault because I went back to school, and he had to take responsibility of getting our daughter there by 9 am!! He was tardy to a job that started at 9:30. Okay, so, although I haven't quite gotten over this, I was hopeful he would have redeeming actions which would help this happen. But it hasn't.

In our current situation, he has decided that he's not going to work because over a year ago, we agreed that he would quit his 6 month contract job to stay home full-time for about 6 months until the baby was a year old. He knew that the contract job was going to end in a month anyway. Well, those six months have long passed, and he hasn't even started looking for a job. I've found several that would be a great fit (afternoons, decent pay), but he just sits on his butt and plays fantasy sports. He isn't a great SAHD either. No park or outside play for the kids. Dino nuggets for lunch every day for the 19 month old. Doesn't grocery shop or even prep dinner. Doesn't do the laundry. What _does_ he actually do? Take the 5 year old to kindergarten, albeit late sometimes. And "deals with" the 19 month old who prevents him from playing on the computer full-time. And he usually cleans up after dinner, the primary reason being he hasn't eaten yet because that is his "prime time" fantasy sports time. He doesn't eat dinner with his family because he's playing on the computer. Nice.

Anyway, the most important thing for me is to help my kids adjust as well as possible. I took my 5 year old daughter, who has been having night terrors and significant anxiety, to a child counselor. She recommended that my husband and I seek family counseling to try to work out communication issues to be better parents. I'm all for it if it will work. However, I am having difficulty believing my husband would see any part of this as his issue.

I'm so frustrated by the child-man he is at this point. I have long fallen out of love with him. And I know that men need respect to thrive, but it's hard for me to show respect when you don't take care of your family in a variety of ways.

Would therapy for my husband and I help in the effort of making communication better with and for the kids? I am told it's not about saving a marriage, but making the separation more manageable. I guess I just have little faith. I have come to terms with needing to divorce him; I haven't come to terms with him being a lazy bum, and I'm not sure if a counselor would help with this. Would they just look at him and say, "Dude, you need to get a job and provide for your family?" I don't really think so. And even if they did, that demand would make a passive aggressive person worse in many cases. But I don't feel like I can go to therapy if he's not even willing to get a freaking job and they're not willing to call him on it.

I'm trying to save for a new place, to be honest. I'm just not sure it would be worth the expense and headache.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Does he know exactly how you feel and that you are planning on filing?


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Yes, he knows how I feel. He knows I'm considering filing, but we have not discussed time frame. 

He makes comments to me most days that include, "When you leave me, make sure you realize how much I do for you" or "I know you're going to leave and steal my kids from me." He can also be quite verbally abusive. Yesterday he told me that he hated me and that he wouldn't finish my tea because he didn't know where my lips had been.

He is doing this because he knows it's on the horizon. But obviously, it hasn't stimulated him to change.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I just cannot see him as a partner anymore; I see a depressed child-man. I know I sound completely heartless. But I feel like I'm just "done." Stick a fork in this relationship. After all this time, if he cannot see his part in this, and step up, I have little faith in him. I am sad about this, but have to accept my reality.


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