# Guys: How Should A Wife Handle This



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Look at prior posts for history. H invited me to join him, son and son's GF to go to a draft party at our stadium. I was excited as I love football. H goes to grab some snacks and he did: 3 items which he gave to his son, his son's GF and popped Thor third in his mouth. I'm standing in the same circle as the son and GF. I reached over to the table and grabbed one for me. I said "Thank you" on an upbeat and quiet tone as we were in public. I was hurt as I was left out. His response: give me his half-eaten cookie and stormed off wanting to sit alone.

I refused to leave the group as the son and GF followed him. Not even sure they knew what happened as I was quiet. He is looking away from me. I told him thank you and then said "please don't get mad at me--I just don't understand why I'm not included." He said nothing. I'm sitting here next to him as if he were a stranger...

Your insights on his behavior: why and how does one effectively communicate to their husband in these circumstances?
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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

In retrospect I guess I could have asked him can I have one but I was really shocked and sad that all it would have taken was to grab one more or him to ask me if I wanted one. I felt deliberately ignored.
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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sorry i know you want a guys reply but.... Your WERE ignored. 

Whether it was deliberate or just ignorance...well that's the question isn't it?

He sounds very childish.

Not a nice situation...is this sort of thing common?


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

When his son and GF are present (at least to me).
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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I just don't have a lot of tolerance for this kind of crap any more.

Read your other posts. Will tell you the same thing were you a guy with a wife treating him like crap.

You're being a doormat.

So ... my question to you, what's it going to take?

What is it he needs to do, or not do, that you tell him to pack his crap and his adult kid, and get the hell out of your house and your life?

This guy flat out doesn't sound like he's mentally healthy. And if you decide to keep taking it, no doubt in my mind he'll just keep dishing it out.

You need a boundary. You need a line in the sand. You keep wanting him to be 'nice', and quite frankly, there isn't a nice sounding thing about him.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Personally, I think he was was being an a$$. 

I would tell him exactly how you feel. Men can be thick. I can vouch for that because I am one. lol

Is there more to this? How does he act on a regular basis?


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Two weeks ago I thought we were through and I was mentally prepared to live alone. He stopped the silent treatment and I started the 180. I wanted to buy some "calm time" to go to IC, get my physical and mental health better (had bronchitis for 3 weeks) . There are complex financial issues (see post). I've started a new will. The other night I started choking on a spice. He ran and made sure I was ok (it was scary I almost passed out) so I wonder if there is love there but I don't know if he can ever show it.
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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

T & T he seems to ignore me when his 23 YO son and the son's GF are present. Last year we travelled a lot and had such a great time. We had a fight 2 wks ago. I could have bit my tongue but resentment over the years built in. He gave me silent treatment. See my posts for history.
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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

Sorry, but unless he always excludes you I don't see the big deal. If my wife got snacks for herself and someone else, I would not be "hurt." I'd fetch my own and not escalate with snarky "thank you". Well, I probably would, but that is MY bad. I tried to get context by reading your first thread and found he has threesome fantasies (very common) and spoils his kids. I'm sure I'm missing a ton, but life is too short to sweat snack distrubution.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

@ Nothingto declare: I'm his wife why not include me when he knows I always look out for him. Why not ask me do I want one? If he got one for just him not a big deal but when you get for 3/4 people and the 4th is your wife and she's right there with the others...I was hurt.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've got THREE kids and my husband always always makes sure I'm taken care of. If he can't carry it all he makes the kids do it. And I'd do the same for him. 

This is a big deal - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He has a lot of growing up to do. A man does not leave his wife out. He acted like a three year old throwing himself on the floor bc he didn't get a cookie. You say he did this in football stadium in full view of everyone. Geesh! Send him to his room. 

Seriously, enough of this guy treating you like this. You deserve better, everyone deserves better. 

:iagree: with Deejo's post


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Some respite from the weirdness. Having fun standing on the 50 yard line watching him and his son play football.
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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

wife#2 i just reacquainted myself with your posts...

There are some real issues in this marriage aren't there... 

Glad your night got better.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

The Patron-laced margarita probably helped. I had to down it before I could go down to the field  It has not always been bad and I've always felt if there was enough good to sustain you through the bad you should try to salvage. On the other hand I ask myself "Should it be this hard?"
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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Update: thought things were normalizing. Went to bed. Said "Good night I love you." Like I do most nights. Usually he will say he loves me back but he didn't . I'm just going to keep focusing on nourishing me.

Forgot to note that yesterday morning I called him to clarify something he left for me as a favor on my voicemail. I usually call his cell during the day so his associate doesn't have to get him to the phone. I call only when I can't reach him via cell. When I called him to clarify what he said before I relayed his suggestions to a third party he told me that when I call it causes his associate (make) to lose focus because he has to find him in the bldg. Yet H always calls me at work whenever he needs something. Not sure if this from yest AM ties into his ignoring me last night. Just provides add'l background.

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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You need to stop doing the things that you do.

Start doing new things. Things that don't consistently set you up for exactly the kind of response you know you are going to get.

Stop the kiss goodnight and I love you. Just say "Good night." with a smile.

Stop ANY and ALL non-necessary contact. Don't call him at work ... at all, unless YOU really, really, need something.

You don't need to be mean, or unpleasant. You just need to stop being the only one that's trying. 
Be you. Be upbeat. But be less available and far, far, less accommodating.

Tell him to text you if he needs something rather than call you. Do the same to him.

Try less hard, and you will hurt less.

You need to build yourself up to a point where you can reasonably evaluate the CURRENT state of your relationship, rather than relying on the past, and make a decision if it is healthy for you to remain.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

He sounds like a jerk.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I just don't have a lot of tolerance for this kind of crap any more.
> 
> Read your other posts. Will tell you the same thing were you a guy with a wife treating him like crap.
> 
> ...


I think this is pretty much spot on.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Deejo said:


> You need to stop doing the things that you do.
> 
> Start doing new things. Things that don't consistently set you up for exactly the kind of response you know you are going to get.
> 
> ...


Another good post by Deejo.

It's time you started looking out for you. Your husband isn't going to. In fact, I'm appalled at how he treats you and your kids and how he lavishes for himself and his kids.

Maybe it's time to just start getting out on your own and spending some money on you and yours. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. Go for a weekend with some gf's and have a great time.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

I'm actually working on what Deejo and thatbpguy suggested. Had my first counseling session last night and my hike work is to identify what Inwant out of the marriage and my boundaries.

Sadly my birthday is tomorrow and tonight while I was doing the books he asked me if Ibwanted to do something kinky for my birthday!!! The therapist asked me if Inthoughtbsome of the time he is saying this to get a reaction out of me. I ignored H and he said I guess you don't want to. He asked what I wanted for my birthday. I really wanted to say, please go 30 days without asking me that! 

I've cut my hair for a new look and am trying to be upbeat and do stuff I like but don't have time for. I have a lot of work friends but need some girl's time!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

wifenumber2 said:


> I'm actually working on what Deejo and thatbpguy suggested. Had my first counseling session last night and my hike work is to identify what Inwant out of the marriage and my boundaries.
> 
> Sadly my birthday is tomorrow and tonight while I was doing the books he asked me if Ibwanted to do something kinky for my birthday!!! The therapist asked me if Inthoughtbsome of the time he is saying this to get a reaction out of me. I ignored H and he said I guess you don't want to. He asked what I wanted for my birthday. I really wanted to say, please go 30 days without asking me that!
> 
> I've cut my hair for a new look and am trying to be upbeat and do stuff I like but don't have time for. I have a lot of work friends but need some girl's time!


Learn to love you for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are spending a lot of energy on the mean spirited, little things he does. This allows you to ignore the big things that are really hurting you.

Stop nit picking the little stuff. Yes he was a jerk and mean in not getting you a cookie/snack. But that's nothing compared to the rest of it.

Sounds like you are going to IC to figure out how you can fix the marriage. I doubt you can. Perhaps you should be looking at how you stay focused on taking care of yourself and your children to get out of this marriage.


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

not a man but i will give my two cents for what it's worth. Your DH sounds like a jerk. That being said you're allowing this behavior. Why did you go on the defensive with the "please don't be mad at me" bit? He had no right being upset with you! Your response should have been, "keep your [email protected] cookie, in the future it would be nice if you thought of me too!" 

He will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Pretty rude guy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

totallywarped said:


> not a man but i will give my two cents for what it's worth. Your DH sounds like a jerk. That being said you're allowing this behavior. Why did you go on the defensive with the "please don't be mad at me" bit? He had no right being upset with you! Your response should have been, "keep your [email protected] cookie, in the future it would be nice if you thought of me too!"
> 
> He will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it.




Yes, I agree. If my husband did something like that I wouldn't even be as nice as totally warped. In fact, my husband did something quite rude to me a couple of days ago and I tore his head off. I could give a rats behind whether he was mad at me either then or now. Remember that you teach people how to treat you.
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