# What does Emotionally Unavailable actually mean?



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

In another thread by @katiecrna she discusses how she would like an emotional available partner and how most men are emotionally unavailable, doing research, I found that it difficult to find out what it really means. 

It is a person who really isn't all that interested in you and listening to you? 

Or is it just a person incapable of any emotion at all? 

Or is it an invented term used by dating sites and magazines to describe a person who is just not that into you but using you for sex? 












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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: What does "Emotionally Unavailable" actually mean?*

To me, it means that there's always this "something" you can't quite put your finger on, but you just know and feel that you aren't getting 100% of the other person. Whether that's to do with their time, investment, honesty, compassion, interest, etc. You always feel at arms length. They don't "let you in" for whatever reason. 

I dated two men like that.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

*Re: What does &quot;Emotionally Unavailable&quot; actually mean?*

To me it would mean someone who can't talk about emotions, can't deal with your emotions. Isn't very emotional themselves or know how to express their own emotions. 

A lot of men are raised to not show emotions, it's "weak" and "unmainly" so they don't know how to deal with them.

I guess everyone would have their own definition of it.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm that guy.

I can empathize, understand, fully grasp why someone is going through whatever emotion - But, I don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care, but I personally feel nothing with regard to her emotion. I can give my girl a hug, tell her what we'll do to help, but ultimately, I have no feeling relative to her crying/sadness/happiness, etc.

I can talk about it, figure out how we'll fix it (if applicable) etc, but it's all logic based.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

To me, that sensing of emotional unavailability is the same as sensing lack of interest and when interest is missing so are the accompanying feelings of connection.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

dubsey said:


> I'm that guy.
> 
> I can empathize, understand, fully grasp why someone is going through whatever emotion - But, I don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care, but I personally feel nothing with regard to her emotion. I can give my girl a hug, tell her what we'll do to help, but ultimately, I have no feeling relative to her crying/sadness/happiness, etc.
> 
> I can talk about it, figure out how we'll fix it (if applicable) etc, but it's all logic based.


or as Homer Simpson says: Just because I understand, it does not mean that I care.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Emotional Unavailability" basically means that a party is not yet over a previous failed relationship, and at the same time, they either knowingly or unknowingly refuse to open up to the possibility of a new love interest, or they have firmly established a definite fear of "opening up" or of commitment itself!*


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I tend to think of emotional unavailability as being either the inability or unwillingness to form a close emotional connection with another person. 

The reasons behind that inability or unwillingness (fear, resentment, addiction, anger, not healed from a past relationship, self-protection, FOO issues, immaturity, boredom, laziness, disinterest, mental illness, personality disorder, whatever) don't really matter all that much to anyone except the individual that's emotionally unavailable, and then only if they find they're unhappy with that state and wish to work on changing it about themselves. Plenty of emotionally unavailable people have no drive, or even desire, to change themselves and become emotionally available. That's only a problem if they get into a relationship and either can't or won't be honest about their level of emotional (un)availability. 

If someone wants to date you, but only for fun and casual sex and has no intentions of it ever going further, they may be emotionally unavailable. But as long as they're honest about it, then they're not doing anything wrong. It doesn't mean they're a bad person or that there's something "wrong" with them, just that they're emotionally unavailable - at least, to you - and if you want more, you two just aren't compatible. 

The ones you have to look out for are the ones who either can't or won't be honest about the level of engagement they can both accept from, and offer to, a partner. They're the ones who hurt people.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Emotionally unavailable means he just wants to be friends with benefits. It could be he isn't over a failed relationship, or it could be this is just how he's going to live his life going forward. The emotional fallout from committing fully to someone only to have it go south isn't worth it to him anymore. He enjoys the single life and doesn't want to complicate things.

Women say they want a man to show emotions, but nothing makes a woman cringe and run for the hills quicker than an emotional man. I've seen men openly sob a few times, even at a funeral it's disturbing to everyone around them.

I err on the side of never show your emotions to anyone, as a man it will never be a positive for you.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

knobcreek said:


> Women say they want a man to show emotions, but nothing makes a woman cringe and run for the hills quicker than an emotional man. I've seen men openly sob a few times, even at a funeral it's disturbing to everyone around them.
> 
> I err on the side of never show your emotions to anyone, as a man it will never be a positive for you.


I couldn't possibly disagree more. Everything in moderation. Don't be a whiny little wanker, but don't try to be Clint Eastwood either. Men who are afraid to show emotion are exactly that. _Afraid_. Women pick up on that too. I, for one, see straight through that "stone face" facade. Just be yourself, man. Don't go through life scared that someone might judge you, that's no way to live.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

knobcreek said:


> Emotionally unavailable means he just wants to be friends with benefits. It could be he isn't over a failed relationship, or it could be this is just how he's going to live his life going forward. The emotional fallout from committing fully to someone only to have it go south isn't worth it to him anymore. He enjoys the single life and doesn't want to complicate things.
> 
> *Women say they want a man to show emotions, but nothing makes a woman cringe and run for the hills quicker than an emotional man. I've seen men openly sob a few times, even at a funeral it's disturbing to everyone around them.
> 
> I err on the side of never show your emotions to anyone, as a man it will never be a positive for you*.


Completely disagree in terms of myself and the men around me. Nothing would make me cringe more than a man that showed no emotion. I have seen all the major men in my life either cry or show great emotion, dad, brothers, husbands, son etc. and I love and adore all of them, they are all great men IMHO.

As for the OP I have no first had experience of a man that was "emotionally unavailable" but going to guess it is a man that has a low EQ and/or is not overly interested in their partner.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I emote. I talk about emotions. But, When I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm not sexually interested either. They go together for me. I'm emotionally unavailable to people who hurt me. People who are in the process of hurting me, People who hurt me in the recent past. People who unintentionally hurt me. People who I perceive to have hurt me. People who have allowed me to be hurt through inaction. 

To these people I don't care how they feel. I just don't give a **** what happens to them. That is my definition of emotionally unavailable. I have no emotion left for you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've learned from guys in the past that I dated, it typically means that a guy wants you to care about HIS emotions, but doesn't care about anyone else's. lol Being emotionally unavailable means, he won't be there for you unless you're naked, waiting in bed for him.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

dubsey said:


> I'm that guy.
> 
> I can empathize, understand, fully grasp why someone is going through whatever emotion - But, I don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care, but I personally feel nothing with regard to her emotion. I can give my girl a hug, tell her what we'll do to help, but ultimately, I have no feeling relative to her crying/sadness/happiness, etc.
> 
> I can talk about it, figure out how we'll fix it (if applicable) etc, but it's all logic based.


How can you "empathize, understand, and fully grasp why someone is going through whatever emotion", yet don't care.

To me, one that doesn't care can hardly understand, nor fully grasp why someone is going through something. It's called empathy, something you don't have. Empathy is feeling something regarding someone else's feelings.

If this is the type of guy you are, I'd suggest you stay single..no offense.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> I emote. I talk about emotions. But, When I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm not sexually interested either. They go together for me. I'm emotionally unavailable to people who hurt me. People who are in the process of hurting me, People who hurt me in the recent past. People who unintentionally hurt me. People who I perceive to have hurt me. People who have allowed me to be hurt through inaction.
> 
> To these people I don't care how they feel. I just don't give a **** what happens to them. That is my definition of emotionally unavailable. I have no emotion left for you.


I enjoyed your post as it made a lot of sense. Many people become emotionally unavailable when hurt badly by the people they love. I for one, have shut out many people who have hurt me; as I'm a giver and if I get stabbed in the back..and with that, there are no second chances. Mess with me once, you're done. No reason to keep trusting someone I gave all my trust to, only to get stabbed in the back by then. 

And at that point, without saying a word, I just shut them out.

However, I really don't think this is about someone that is emotionally unavailable in a relationship.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

From a book called "Emotional Unavaiability: Recognizing it, Understanding it, and Avoiding its Traps" by Bryan C. Collins:

"That’s what an emotionally unavailable relationship feels like. You’re just never quite good enough to get admitted to the party. You get seduced by the clear, often indirect and unspoken, message that something is just a little wrong. If you can fix that, the implied promise goes, you’ll be the guest of honor and win the door prize: love. But when you “fix” what was “wrong” the first time, something else is a little “wrong.” And when you fix that, something else will appear. Your host has no intention of making you—or anyone—the guest of honor. Your host also has no ability to make you the guest of honor—or even to open the door to let you in. Your host is suffering from emotional unavailability. This is the inability of a person to reach out and make a heart connection with another person. What’s so unsettling and painful is that you end up with the clear belief that this is somehow your fault and that it’s your responsibility to fix it by being perfect. If it isn’t fixed, you’re not perfect enough. For the first of many times, let me say clearly to you: YOU DIDN’T BREAK IT . . . YOU DON’T HAVE TO FIX IT!"

And further:

"If you are in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained. You operate your life from the basis of this expectation. When your partner in the relationship turns out not to be making an emotional connection, it causes trauma; that’s why these relationships are so painful. The trauma then does further damage as it undermines your expectations about yourself and your abilities to make connections. As illogical as that may seem, it’s human nature to look for flaws in ourselves when things don’t go as we expect. We end up being traumatized twice by these relationships: once by the loss and abandonment and again by the loss of our own confidence in ourselves. That’s why the end of these relationships can be so much more painful than the end of a fully realized relationship. We ruminate about what we could have done differently to make it work."


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> In another thread by @katiecrna she discusses how she would like an emotional available partner and how most men are emotionally unavailable, doing research, I found that it difficult to find out what it really means.
> 
> It is a person who really isn't all that interested in you and listening to you?
> 
> ...


I think there is a spectrum, the extreme where the man is just not there for you and you know it or sense it, the mid range where he wants to be but isn't very good at showing his emotions, though he is emotionally involved with you and the other end where the guy is more like a woman in terms of showing emotions. It is not an invented term, I believe modern women want less of the strong silent type and men who will engage with them on every level. 
Traditionally men were not talkers or ones for getting into emotional topics or discussing their feelings. I believe men are not made like that, the idea that women often want their H to be like their girlfriends creates this kind of issue of emotional unavailability.

My H is what I would consider EU, but only because he was brought up in an household and culture where men are the strong silent type, rarely show emotion and 'boys don't cry.' When he was younger he was very emotional ( I thought) and too expressive which I did not find attractive and probably due to his childhood trauma. As he matured, was successful at work, he became more of the strong silent type, he finds it hard to express his emotions, though that does not mean they are not there.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I think that graphic with the "5 signs" is completely confused. The first 4 are more like signs that the person is "unavailable" in another sense - they are actually in a relationship with someone else!! That's a whole different problem. 

That quote from the book is really on the nail. 

An emotionally unavailable person, in my experience, is like "oh NO, my partner's having an emotion! Quick, give them some advice on how to make it go away." 

Both men and women do this. (I'm a man, and I find plenty of women are emotionally shut off).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was watching a 1990s video of the Rules ladies at a seminar. During the Q&A session, a woman asked what to do about an emotionally unavailable man.

One of the women responded immediately that seminar attendee must be reading other dating guides because EU men do not exist in the Rules. Either the guy is in to you or not. 

I like that answer.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think the book quote is right on target. But it does work both ways and is just not a problem with men. I have met many women who are also emotionally unavailable. And I also think within the spectrum of emotions it tends to be the more positive emotions that are unavailable, while the more negative ones are much more apparent and on the surface. You may never get the love, understanding, compassion, passion or empathy, but the anger, rage, jealousy, and hate are all right there. I can also say in many ways that has been me in my past. I also think that whoever said, it was because the person has not yet healed or recovered (or learned the lessons) from a past relationship, was on target as well.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I was watching a 1990s video of the Rules ladies at a seminar. During the Q&A session, a woman asked what to do about an emotionally unavailable man.
> 
> One of the women responded immediately that seminar attendee must be reading other dating guides because EU men do not exist in the Rules. Either the guy is in to you or not.
> 
> I like that answer.


I would largely agree with that take. As I said earlier, I don't think it matters much why a man is emotionally unavailable. Or if he's more available to other people, to his ex, or to the next woman he dates after you. If he's unavailable to you, then you two are simply not going to have a healthy, emotionally connected, relationship. He may keep you around for companionship, for fun, for sex, for whatever crumbs you're willing to settle for. But if you want an emotionally connected relationship, he's not the guy. 

So, there's nothing you can "do about an emotionally unavailable man", other than realize that what he's offering is not what you want out of a relationship, end it, and go find someone who is emotionally available to you. Trying to "fix" an emotionally unavailable man is, essentially, trying to _make_ him love you. But you can't make someone love you. So just keep your dignity and self-respect and move along to someone who _wants_ to love you.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

memyselfandi said:


> How can you "empathize, understand, and fully grasp why someone is going through whatever emotion", yet don't care.
> 
> To me, one that doesn't care can hardly understand, nor fully grasp why someone is going through something. It's called empathy, something you don't have. Empathy is feeling something regarding someone else's feelings.
> 
> If this is the type of guy you are, I'd suggest you stay single..no offense.


Why would I have to feel something with regard to someone else's feelings to be able to empathize? I know you're sad, I can see that you're sad. Why should that make me sad, angry, or whatever? As a friend, I could still want to help you not be sad, if it's possible, but not feel anything about it myself.

If you're out in the rain, and are cold and wet, why would I need to jump out into it and get cold and wet to realize you don't want to be cold and wet and offer you some dry clothes, shelter from the rain, and cup of tea?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have been EU and honest about it when dating. For me what I meant is I am capable of being involved but emotionally I am not over committing. It was done either because I wasn't ready to commit, they weren't the right one, some red flags that told me to go slow, or still dealing with the past.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

StuckInLove said:


> I couldn't possibly disagree more. Everything in moderation. Don't be a whiny little wanker, but don't try to be Clint Eastwood either. Men who are afraid to show emotion are exactly that. _Afraid_. Women pick up on that too. I, for one, see straight through that "stone face" facade. Just be yourself, man. Don't go through life scared that someone might judge you, that's no way to live.


Well I don't walk around like a zombie incapable of emotion. I hug my wife, we cuddle, hold hands. That's not what I'm talking about and it's not what emotionally unavailable means. I just don't get emotional as in cry or show I'm weak in times where life may be dealing me a tough hand at the moment, because in my experience, people who do are setting themselves up to be further taken advantage of by the situation, or by showing weakness and emotion people who count on you to be strong will suffer more. It's not something I have to consciously try to do so I am "being myself". I think most men are like me.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> What does Emotionally Unavailable actually mean?


1) I'm not really into you but you are good enough to sleep with; AND/OR

2) I'm still in love with a different woman I can't have for whatever reason.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I have been called "emotionally unavailable" because I don't fall in love easily, in my 56 years of life I have only fallen in love with three women, and yes I dated plenty, sometimes for a year or more without being in love. The thing is to me there's not shades of grey when being in love, you are either at 100% or it's friend mode or lust. I like being in love, wish I was right now, but I'm not going to pretend just to be in a relationship.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I have been called "emotionally unavailable" because I don't fall in love easily, in my 56 years of life I have only fallen in love with three women, and yes I dated plenty, sometimes for a year or more without being in love. The thing is to me there's not shades of grey when being in love, you are either at 100% or it's friend mode or lust. I like being in love, wish I was right now, but I'm not going to pretend just to be in a relationship.


Well this is interesting. I have only been in love 4 times, 2 of them I married. Also dated plenty and had numerous short term relationships. I'm going with the emotionally unavailable = just not that into you. I am capable of great love, dedication and being very emotionally available with a man I truly love.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: What does "Emotionally Unavailable" actually mean?*



Satya said:


> To me, it means that there's always this "something" you can't quite put your finger on, but you just know and feel that you aren't getting 100% of the other person. Whether that's to do with their time, investment, honesty, compassion, interest, etc. You always feel at arms length. They don't "let you in" for whatever reason.
> 
> I dated two men like that.




I cannot agree with this more. It's this uneasy feeling that u just can't explain but you know it's not right.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sounds a lot like a made up term to fit whatever guy is disappointing you at the moment.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

dubsey said:


> I'm that guy.
> 
> I can empathize, understand, fully grasp why someone is going through whatever emotion - But, I don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care, but I personally feel nothing with regard to her emotion. I can give my girl a hug, tell her what we'll do to help, but ultimately, I have no feeling relative to her crying/sadness/happiness, etc.
> 
> I can talk about it, figure out how we'll fix it (if applicable) etc, but it's all logic based.


Most of the time, when people are going through an emotional time, sometimes they don't want or need a solution or it to be fixed, they just want to be listened to and feel validated/respected. 

How can you be empathetic but not care? Is it because you see the matters as trivial? 



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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

dubsey said:


> I'm that guy.
> 
> *I can empathize*, understand, fully grasp why someone is going through whatever emotion -But, I don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care, but I personally feel nothing with regard to her emotion.


That's not empathizing, and that's not emotionally unavailable, that's sociopathic.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> How can you be empathetic but not care? Is it because you see the matters as trivial?


not care may not have been the best way to phrase it. I don't really feel anything. I want the other person to feel better, but personally, I don't feel anything regarding it.

I don't see things as trivial, I don't really feel a whole lot about anything when it comes to being really happy or really sad. A developed defense mechanism, I suppose. I had a pretty rough childhood. So, it's not like I don't want anyone to know my emotions or anything, it's just that most of the time, I'm more like "meh, ok, lets work the problem."


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

dubsey said:


> not care may not have been the best way to phrase it. I don't really feel anything. I want the other person to feel better, but personally, I don't feel anything regarding it.
> 
> I don't see things as trivial, I don't really feel a whole lot about anything when it comes to being really happy or really sad. A developed defense mechanism, I suppose. I had a pretty rough childhood. So, it's not like I don't want anyone to know my emotions or anything, it's just that most of the time, I'm more like "meh, ok, lets work the problem."


I am sorry about your childhood. 

Perhaps suppressing helps you cope or not to be thinking about the past, it's probably easier for you to find a solution and move on. I understand now, thanks for clarification. 

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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

it's not a suppression thing, just more of a on the scale of life events and where things fit, I guess.


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