# I need help coping with infidelity



## Bob Jones 1 (Jan 19, 2021)

I have felt like something wasn’t right for quite sometime. My wife would work a ton of overtime, when I would have to go out of town she would dump the kids on my parents and say she was working all weekend. She stopped wearing her wedding ring, started buying different clothes, listening to different music and taking more time on her appearance. I also noticed things were different in the bedroom. We both work a lot and have three kids, so the time we get to spend together is very limited. 

In the past there were instances where I had confronted her and she would deny it. I asked for her to stop talking with the other person and she said she would. I don’t think she ever really stopped talking to them that she just hid it more. Recently we were eating and I had seen a text pop up on her phone that said “LOL babe, I thought I was the only one.” I did not say anything, however it really raised my suspicions. 

I started to dig around and found a picture of another man mostly naked hidden in her clothes. I found a few other things that also confirmed suspicions. I looked through her work calendar and saw days that she said she was working that she called in sick and weekends that she said she was working over time that she did not go to work. I also saw her google history on her tablet which was linked with her phone. This showed numerous hotel searches, searches of her other man, searches for sexual things that would have been used with the other man. 

These searches coincided with the time she was supposed to be at work. Also you can see her location on google which showed she wasn’t where she said she was. In the mail she had received a package from one of the other men exposing her which she had hid from me, until I got the same package in the mail. She then proceeded to lie to my face and tell me everything was made up and that someone was just trying to get between us. 

That this person was obsessed with her for no reason at all. At this point I already knew she was lying but let her carry on with her story. A few weeks later I had received a voice recorder with conversations between her and one of the other men. It also had conversations with her and her friends where she nonchalantly talks about lying to me to cover up the affair, also talking about her affair with the other guy and how she is “dating” him, she talks about his past relationships and how she is upset and disgusted with him because he lied to her and slept with someone else while he was supposed to be with her. 

I did not tell her about the recorder I had received. I told her she needed to come clean about everything or I was walking out the door and not coming back. She broke down and cried and told me she is really sorry, and that she knows nothing she can ever do will change what she has done and how she is so ashamed of herself. She told me the affair with one of the other men went on for 6 years and the the other affair went one for almost a year. My biggest issue isn’t that she cheated but, the fact that she carried on a whole other life behind my back for this long and obviously wasn’t sorry until she got caught. We have been together for a very long time and have a family with 3 kids. I do love her and I know that I also played some fault in this by not giving her enough time, however it is no excuse to cheat. That was a decision that she made that she cannot take back. This also will be something she has to live with based on how I choose to move forward.

Once I was told the truth I was devastated and my heart is completely broken. I don’t know how it is possible to love someone so much and hate them so much at the same time. With that said I really do still love her, but don’t know how I will ever be able to trust her again. I do not want to drive myself crazy, but also want to make the best decision for my family as it isn’t just about me but about my kids as well. I do not want to jump to a quick decision that I will regret later. Just looking for advice from someone who has been through this before, I really am torn on what to do. Please help.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

There are many posts like yours. 

Take a little time to read the posts in this forum, focusing on the "Coping With Infidelity" section, just as you have posted here. You will find that human behavior is predictable, and other people have had experiences which are identical to yours. There seems to be a recurrent pattern in human interactions.

That said, the first thing is DON'T BEG HER TO COME BACK TO YOU. Don't "fight" for her. Posters call this the "pick me" dance. It doesn't help you either way, whether you move on or decide to reconcile. 
She's a serial cheater, so that makes it harder to reconcile in most instances. It's not a one-time event, it's an ingrained behavior pattern. Most of the time, it's a behavior pattern that can't be changed, and in the cases it can be changed, requires a lot of work and psychological counseling on the part of the cheater to find out why they are that way, and even more therapy to get them to change. 

If you'll never be able to trust again, it's better just to move on. You can't live your life checking up on her, playing "secret agent" to reassure yourself there's nothing going on.
It doesn't work.

All these issues (and more!) are why most posters will tell you to just divorce and move on.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You love who you _thought_ she was. You're in love with an idealic version of your wife, not your wife. It's all about being realistic about who she is NOW...not what you think she is, or what she was in the past. You're absolutely right about her not being sorry until she got caught. That is who your wife is now.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

Bob Jones 1 said:


> My biggest issue isn’t that she cheated but, the fact that she carried on a whole other life behind my back for this long and obviously wasn’t sorry until she got caught.


This. 
This woman carried on with an affair for six years -- _six years_ -- behind your back and had several other affairs besides, and the only reason she's crying now is because she got caught. Do you really think any of this would have stopped if you were the same unsuspecting husband who knew none of this?

This woman is your wife in name only. She does not deserve even an ounce of your love. It's very hard, I know, because you loved her and probably still do, and detaching yourself from those feelings is like cutting out half of your heart. But honestly, and I usually don't say these sorts of things, you have not had a marriage or a wife in years. Making it legal through a divorce is just acknowledging that fact. Do you really think she is sorry -- for what she did to you? Of course she isn't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you choose to stay, you will never again trust her the way you once did (and you shouldn’t). It will take years to rebuild your marriage and it still may not be possible no matter how much time, energy and effort goes into it. Some things that are broken can’t be fixed. I wish the best for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is harsh but I think it needs to be said more often, you married a sociopath. Something is really wrong that she was able to do this with no guilt. You need to think about whether you will ever be safe with someone who can do this and feel on guilt. She is dangerous and not a good person.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Bob Jones 1 said:


> With that said I really do still love her, but don’t know how I will ever be able to trust her again. I do not want to drive myself crazy, but also want to make the best decision for my family as it isn’t just about me but about my kids as well.


What would be really really nice is for this dame to spend a third of the effort doing for you what she did for the other guy. How long has it been since she called in sick to bang you, bought special clothes, tended to her appearance and searched for a hotel room and sprang for the cost for you my man. I wonder what you could have bought with your money she spent on Joe the Grinder. Think about it Dawg.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You also should get your kids DNA checked -- even if you are 1000% sure of them being yours.
It will show your wife how much she broke your trust and that you now believe NOTHING about your marriage or her.

One other thing -- I know you are worried about the kids, but you also need to show them how relationships SHOULD be and what boundaries are. Just rug sweeping or accepting what she did would be a very bad example for them to see going forward. You standing up for YOURSELF is great to show them.

I also don't think she is a good reconciliation candidate -- I do feel that she is sorry because she got caught, not that she is remorseful. She had multiple affairs, over multiple years. Also the "friends" she was talking with -- if you have ANY chance of reconciling, THEY have to go. They enabled and supported her for cheating. They are not friends of the marriage AT ALL. If you Divorce, then you shouldn't care about them.

Also, expose what she did to your family, her family, friends, etc.. You need to make sure that everyone sees that SHE is the cheater so that she doesn't start turning it around on you that it is your fault. If the guys she was having affairs with are married, send the info you have to their wife/gf/etc.. Expose them also.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Bob Jones 1 said:


> With that said I really do still love her


What love got to do with anything in this equation? tell me. You can love her till the kingdom comes, that does not means that you have to put aside your pride, your manhood, your self respect, your self-worth.
Right now you are afraid, looking for how to dig your head in the sands so that you can find a way to see no evil, hear no evil. You should divorce a woman like her, reading between the lines it looks like you've been reacting to her all this time weakly and meekly. So she has had time to realize that you weren't going to find nothing, do nothing if found out. 
Listen dude, you would be divorcing her, not your children. Better two happy homes than one miserable on. Please, react, start doing things that show her consequences: File for divorce, DNA your children (this is a must). Reject her, do not try hysterical bonding (get STDs checked instead), ask her for a clean bill of health (you don't know to what you've been exposed). Read and start practicing the 180. Start getting all your ducks in a row, this is imperative. You don't really know if she is ahead of you on this, normally women are, while many men, just sit there like an idiot, unbeknown to them that they are being roasted legally and otherwise.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You've got a lot to think about.

It seems like I hear a tone of wanting to look past this or still loving her in your comments.

You need to take a step back and think about this. Are you afraid of being alone? Or maybe afraid of starting over? Or both?

She hasn't been the wife you created in your mind, she was lying and cheating and didn't actually love you. It was a facade.

What kind of advice would give your kids if they were faced with this type of situation as adults? You know it would be something along the long the lines of they don't deserve that and there are better people in the world.

Do not model for them how to be run over by your spouse and take it, unless you want them to do the same....

You should officially separate and move out and take some time to reflect on this, or tell her to move out.

You'll find that she instantly does more of the same. She is a serial cheater, this will never stop.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think after what you have been through and discovered I find it very hard to imagine you will ever trust her again no matter how bad you want to. I see a lot of emotional torture in your future if you stay with her. 

I agree with the other responses, don't be weak, show her what she has done. I am in favor of wide exposure in your case. 

If I were you divorce papers would have already been served.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Six years... wow. That takes a lot of planning, thinking ahead, and pondering in order to get away with it. There is a reason that they call it cheating. Instead of planning, theorizing, etc she could have devoted that energy to the OP. It would seem as if this is a lost cause and time to move on.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I’m sorry that you are feeling the worst pain imaginable. I mean... if I could actually get revenge on my cheater and his cheat-ho, I would simply dump my pain into them and watch them die in agonizing glory. Really. But we can’t do that, because they don’t feel things like we do, hence the cheating, betraying, lying, hateful behavior. 

Sadly... a person that will lie to you for a minimum of 6 years (she is probably lying about that too) is not likely to be a doting, loving wife...ever. I think you should at minimum separate (legally and physically) and really take some time to screw your head on straight until you can think clearly through this traumatic situation. I think you will find that you DO care about the affair in addition to the lies and betrayal. That you have so many levels of hurt that you have to peel them back like a rotten onion. And when you find the depth of that hurt, you will finally understand what it might take to work through it, and if reconciliation really is a possibility. You cannot possibly understand those depths when you are processing things in her presence and with her inputs... again the lies and manipulations, gaslighting and general assholery tend to inhibit clear thinking. 

It is likely that she will not even try very hard if at all to get you to reconcile when you have space and distance. More likely she’ll start (continue) dating her various f-buddies and boyfriends... but that is an answer on whether she is reconciliation material at all I’d say.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

DNA paternity test your kids.
Both of you must get STD tested.
You must expose the PA to WW parents and siblings and the OMW.
WW must shut down all means she used to contact the OM and block
them from her phone.

How did WW meet these OM?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

You better toughen up. Sounds like you knew about this well before this post and allowed her to carry on. Seems like your another nice guy.



Bob Jones 1 said:


> She broke down and cried and told me she is really sorry, and that she knows nothing she can ever do will change what she has done and how she is so ashamed of herself.


She's afraid to lose your paycheck and have you there as her back stop for her home depot projects, cutting the grass, picking up the kids and baby sitting when shes out on dates. 



Rob_1 said:


> What love got to do with anything in this equation?


read rob's post until it sinks in.

you need to learn the rules of the game to avoid doormat status. First off - install VARs in her car to find out what shes up too. hate to say it, but there are probably other guys you aren't aware of. you may only know about the tip of the iceberg.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldtruck said:


> DNA paternity test your kids.
> Both of you must get STD tested.
> You must expose the PA to WW parents and siblings and the OMW.
> WW must shut down all means she used to contact the OM and block
> ...


OP she also has to cut out all friends who she was chit chatting with about the lying and cheating and did not jump her crap for doing so.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> She is dangerous and not a good person.


This is the mantra you must be guided by. Expose her to EVERYONE over the age of 18.



Bob Jones 1 said:


> she knows nothing she can ever do will change what she has done
> and how she is so ashamed of herself.


"nothing she can ever do" is 100% wrong. It will likely do nothing for YOU or her marriage. However, if she is truly "ashamed of herself" (and, she damn well should be) she will CHANGE HERSELF going forward. She may even be able to have a successful marriage to someone else after she "does the work".

I don't believe completely in "once a cheater, always a cheater". I know there are a handful of "outlier" cases in which people actually do reform from sinful and selfish ways. However, being an engineer by trade, I fully understand the word "outlier" and have expressed my dead-level opinion about leopards changing their spots here.

Protect yourself and your children. Emotionally detach from her completely. Demonstrate that loudly in front of your children.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sorry man, but she did not just have a drunken one night stand. SHE HAD TWO LONG TERM AFFAIRS. She gaslighted and lied to you constantly for over 7 years! 7 YEARS! 

She is not ashamed and she is not sorry for having the affairs. She is sorry she got caught.

I second the thought that you love the woman you thought she was. You love the idea of the woman who was your wife before you found out who she truly is. Obviously she is not who you loved. How can you ever trust a word she says after being betrayed for so many years.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I know you love her Bob, the problem and this is where all your love in the world will not over the come the fact she doe snot love you in any degree close to you, to carry an affair with those men should tell you have her respect and love for you is not there....and that my brother is something you do not have in you to carry on an entire marriage. I would start by having her expose her transgression to everyone, including the wives and spouse of these men, there is no excuse for keeping this in the dark, only in the light of day can you expose this monster behavior. you may love the woman you fell in love with but the person she has become.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> What love got to do with anything in this equation? tell me. You can love her till the kingdom comes, that does not means that you have to put aside your pride, your manhood, your self respect, your self-worth.


What old Bobby, and many others, need to understand is that women don't walk the line because you love them. They walk the line because they love you. When your chick starts snuggling with her boy toy, it means she doesn't have that kind of romantic love for you that makes her wet her pants when she thinks about you. He may be able to keep her around for regular booty call if he make that a condition of her being allowed to stay in the marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Bob Jones 1 just checking in with you. How are you making out?


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

She had no regard for your marriage and you for years. Change? Maybe for a while, but she is a horrible bet never to cheat again. To be honest, she is disgusting. Not only did she cheat, but you have her on tape discussing how she was upset that her AP was cheating on her. She showed no regard for you on the tape. She made a fool of you in front of all those people on the tape. Get rid of her. She knifed you in the back and twisted the blade until it broke off. In effect, if you stay, you will be in an open marriage with you being monogamous. Maybe it is too early for your feelings to change, but eventually, you should realize you are married to a monster. Also, I doubt that the two affairs are all that went on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are dealing with a serial cheater. If you don’t wake up to reality you’ll get this again, again and again.


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## LBluth (Feb 9, 2021)

Bob Jones 1 said:


> I have felt like something wasn’t right for quite sometime. My wife would work a ton of overtime, when I would have to go out of town she would dump the kids on my parents and say she was working all weekend. She stopped wearing her wedding ring, started buying different clothes, listening to different music and taking more time on her appearance. I also noticed things were different in the bedroom. We both work a lot and have three kids, so the time we get to spend together is very limited.
> 
> In the past there were instances where I had confronted her and she would deny it. I asked for her to stop talking with the other person and she said she would. I don’t think she ever really stopped talking to them that she just hid it more. Recently we were eating and I had seen a text pop up on her phone that said “LOL babe, I thought I was the only one.” I did not say anything, however it really raised my suspicions. I started to dig around and found a picture of another man mostly naked hidden in her clothes. I found a few other things that also confirmed suspicions. I looked through her work calendar and saw days that she said she was working that she called in sick and weekends that she said she was working over time that she did not go to work. I also saw her google history on her tablet which was linked with her phone. This showed numerous hotel searches, searches of her other man, searches for sexual things that would have been used with the other man. These searches coincided with the time she was supposed to be at work. Also you can see her location on google which showed she wasn’t where she said she was. In the mail she had received a package from one of the other men exposing her which she had hid from me, until I got the same package in the mail. She then proceeded to lie to my face and tell me everything was made up and that someone was just trying to get between us. That this person was obsessed with her for no reason at all. At this point I already knew she was lying but let her carry on with her story. A few weeks later I had received a voice recorder with conversations between her and one of the other men. It also had conversations with her and her friends where she nonchalantly talks about lying to me to cover up the affair, also talking about her affair with the other guy and how she is “dating” him, she talks about his past relationships and how she is upset and disgusted with him because he lied to her and slept with someone else while he was supposed to be with her. I did not tell her about the recorder I had received. I told her she needed to come clean about everything or I was walking out the door and not coming back. She broke down and cried and told me she is really sorry, and that she knows nothing she can ever do will change what she has done and how she is so ashamed of herself. She told me the affair with one of the other men went on for 6 years and the the other affair went one for almost a year. My biggest issue isn’t that she cheated but, the fact that she carried on a whole other life behind my back for this long and obviously wasn’t sorry until she got caught. We have been together for a very long time and have a family with 3 kids. I do love her and I know that I also played some fault in this by not giving her enough time, however it is no excuse to cheat. That was a decision that she made that she cannot take back. This also will be something she has to live with based on how I choose to move forward.
> 
> Once I was told the truth I was devastated and my heart is completely broken. I don’t know how it is possible to love someone so much and hate them so much at the same time. With that said I really do still love her, but don’t know how I will ever be able to trust her again. I do not want to drive myself crazy, but also want to make the best decision for my family as it isn’t just about me but about my kids as well. I do not want to jump to a quick decision that I will regret later. Just looking for advice from someone who has been through this before, I really am torn on what to do. Please help.


The serial cheating is a complete deal beaker. I get the confusion if it was a one time thing or an EA. But you have hard evidence. You KNOW what she did. Don't let her guilt you into staying in a marriage where you constantly have to police your spouse. She doesn't respect you. She thinks she can just cry and get forgiveness, then turn around and do what she wants. Get out before you waste any more time. You deserve more. I know it's hard to walk away, trust me, I'm still in a marriage where I was cheated on - he claims it was an EA, I think it was a PA, but I don't have any proof and only a time machine will fix my situation. But you were given blessing when you found and were apparently sent physical proof. You KNOW. Get out now before she messes with your head again.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

LBluth said:


> The serial cheating is a complete deal beaker. I get the confusion if it was a one time thing or an EA. But you have hard evidence. You KNOW what she did. Don't let her guilt you into staying in a marriage where you constantly have to police your spouse. She doesn't respect you. She thinks she can just cry and get forgiveness, then turn around and do what she wants. Get out before you waste any more time. You deserve more. I know it's hard to walk away, trust me, I'm still in a marriage where I was cheated on - he claims it was an EA, I think it was a PA, but I don't have any proof and only a time machine will fix my situation. But you were given blessing when you found and were apparently sent physical proof. You KNOW. Get out now before she messes with your head again.


You could create a post with your story?


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