# Lack of sex and intimacy



## Raveslave (Mar 6, 2016)

Hello, my name is Nick, I'm 20 years old and been married to my wife who is 33 years of age since June 20th of 2015, and about 2 weeks after we married our sex life dwindled and our intimacy has dropped to none.
Before we were married we had a great sex life, generally she would initiate it and we would make love generally everyday to every 3 days depending on what we had going on, as well as her affection, she used to be very lovey dovey, and snuggly and kiss on me all the time and was amzing at showing how much she loved me. After we got married our sex life has dwindled to maybe 1 time a week, usually it's more like 1 time every 2 to 3 weeks, and she is now annoyed by my affection, and this all happened within 2 to 3 weeks of us being married. So naturally I noticed a change, and started harping on what I may have done or am doing wrong, but she just says she's not "wired" that way and that me asking about it is annoying and a huge turn off, so after a few times of me trying to ask whats wrong or what I did and it ending in her getting defensive and starting a fight, I've stopped asking. the worst part is ill be lying in bed, or on the couch, and because I love my wife so much I just look at her and its instinct to want to get close to her to snuggle and love on her, but pause because i realise that she really doesn't want that, that I'm just nothing to her and I start getting these thoughts that I'm worthless and just a burden to the person I love most in this world, and now I'm constantly feeling like that, not just when I think about loving on my wife, and it feels horrible because I do go above and beyond for her, I do the things that are important to her, I surprise her with gifts on days that aren't important or a holiday,when it is a holiday or her birthday I will go that extra mile to make it amazing for her, I'm also the same way when we make love, I make sure no matter what she gets hers, more than once, generally 2 to 4 times, I guess the best description is i get off on her getting off on me. I mean yes she does tell me pretty frequent that she loves me, but I feel like showing and saying are 2 different things. I mean I get home from work and all I want to do when I walk in the door is to walk up to her, give her a good intimate kiss, tell her how much I love her and missed her while I was at work, but I don't because she acts like its a burden for me to do that, and I know she doesn't want me to. I guess my questions are is it possible she's found somone else or is looking for someone else, or if now that she's doesn't need my support like she did when we met if that's caused her to realize she isn't in love with me, or if I'm just too needy and high maintenance and ridiculous for wanting a certain amount of intimacy like I'm starting to think I am. Any comments will be helpful, even negative, I just need something because I'm starting to fall apart and feel depressed and lonely all the time. Thank you for taking time to read this post.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If this is all there is you either work on it or move on.

If you could find a good mc it maybe worth a shot but staying in a marriage like this would be be ill advised.

It may be you're just not compatible and this won't get better on its own.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Was she abused by a family member. When you were dating, you were not family, now your family, and are suspect??

While nagging is not attractive, don't let her make you feel bad for wanting intimacy with your wife. My wife started pushing me away after we got married because of prior abuse.

Almost 30 years later and the resentment has hit the fan. Get the book The 5 Love Languages, both of you read it and take the tests to determine what language speaks to each of you the most. If she doesn't want to do that, and or refuses to speak yours, then RUN!!! Don't have kids.

Thank her after the divorce for showing you what type of person she is before tying up a large portion of your life!


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## Raveslave (Mar 6, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Was she abused by a family member. When you were dating, you were not family, now your family, and are suspect??
> 
> While nagging is not attractive, don't let her make you feel bad for wanting intimacy with your wife. My wife started pushing me away after we got married because of prior abuse.
> 
> ...



Yes she did have a very rough child hood and in the past abused by more than one boyfriend, she has told me I'm one of the only guys she's been with that isn't abusive, physically or verbally.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Move on. You're a kid compared to her. Enjoy your 20's and don't spend it in misery hitched to someone who so obviously takes you for granted. Get a divorce and start living


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Raveslave said:


> ...that me asking about it is annoying and a huge turn off, so after a few times of me trying to ask whats wrong or what I did and it ending in her getting defensive and starting a fight,
> 
> ...
> 
> I'm just nothing to her.


You need to throw some huge passive aggressive temper tantrums!!!!!! Try unhooking the battery to her car so that you suddenly become useful when she gets ready to go somewhere! Try flipping off the breakers to the kitchen and magically fixing it when she wants to make her coffee. Replace all her underwear with the exact same kind that are a few sizes smaller. Find some random female friends to call your house and leave messages asking if you want to go get coffee with them sometime. 

...next thing you know you will realize you are being an ass, you will apologize and start being a real man! Real men are confident enough to get sex when ever they want! It just takes an obscene amount of confidence that when your woman says "I'm not wired that way" that you look at her and say, that you can work with that no problem!

Cheers, 
Badsanta

Confident ≠ Abusive


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I suspect your wife fell in love with you because you were safe. She loved feeling safe with you. But now that you're married feeling safe isn't the only thing that causes her to want sex with you. Marriage brings a level of emotional intimacy (safety) that satisfies her. She doesn't need or want more intimacy. Sex and sexual attraction come from a place of passion. Passion is unpredictable, spontaneous, uncontrollable, and even a tad dangerous. Google Esther Peril TED talk for a better understanding of the passion paradox.

Secondarily, I suspect your wife liked that she could control you. You are much younger and you aren't the dangerous unpredictable guy that she had encountered over and over in her previous relationships. Being able to control you makes you boring. Being boring makes you unattractive.

Your wife is significantly older than you and that you cannot change. She has scars from previous relationships causing her to need control, and that you cannot change. The only thing you can change is how you relate to her and that will take Herculean effort on your part. You are VERY young to undertake the kind of soul deep confidence and independence necessary to become "the fully integrated independent man" that women dig. Aside from that, even if you did accomplish this, given your wife's history, I'm not sure she would respond.

In short...this marriage is not in your best interests, I'm sorry to say.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
a sadly common story - read the many LD/HD threads on this site. There are unfortunately many people who do not want sex often and for whom it is not important. 

Your situation has was appears to be a bait / switch issue as well. you sad:

Before we were married we had a great sex life, generally she would initiate it and we would make love generally everyday to every 3 days depending on what we had going on, as well as her affection, she used to be very lovey dovey, and snuggly and kiss on me all the time and was amzing at showing how much she loved me. After we got married our sex life has dwindled to maybe 1 time a week, usually it's more like 1 time every 2 to 3 weeks, and she is now annoyed by my affection, and this all happened within 2 to 3 weeks of us being married. 

That is so quick after marriage that is sounds intentional. Sounds like she was willing to pretend to enjoy sex in order to get married, but not to make you happy. 

I've been with a LD wife for 30 years now. In my case, in most cases it doesn't bet better ever. I can't blame my wife, she was always low desire, there was no hint of bait / switch. It was my fault for not recognizing the situation.

In your case, unless there is some missing information, it looks like your wife deceived you. 

I don't know your previous experience, but not all women are like this, many greatly enjoy frequent and passionate sex. 

I see no reason to stay with someone who is deceptive and manipulative. 

If you don't have kids yet, take all precautions to avoid getting her pregnant. That would be her next move in this sort of game.


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## rinkrat1963 (Feb 24, 2016)

OP, you just described my life. I feel your pain.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

its simple really. you married her.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Sounds to me like you have been duped by a manipulative woman. If she is going to continue to be selfish, and will not try to resolve her issues about sex through counselling, I would definitely get out of the marriage. Chances are VERY high that it will not improve if she's not willing to do something to keep her man happy. Is it too late to have the marriage annulled?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> You need to throw some huge passive aggressive temper tantrums!!!!!! Try unhooking the battery to her car so that you suddenly become useful when she gets ready to go somewhere! Try flipping off the breakers to the kitchen and magically fixing it when she wants to make her coffee. Replace all her underwear with the exact same kind that are a few sizes smaller. Find some random female friends to call your house and leave messages asking if you want to go get coffee with them sometime.
> 
> ...next thing you know you will realize you are being an ass, you will apologize and start being a real man! Real men are confident enough to get sex when ever they want! It just takes an obscene amount of confidence that when your woman says "I'm not wired that way" that you look at her and say, that you can work with that no problem!
> 
> ...



OMG....Replacing her panties with smaller sizes. You are evil and a dangerous opponent!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Sorry to say it, but you are seeing the real her. She is who she is. She pretended to be somebody else before you got married. She isn't going to change.

So your choice is to stay in the marriage, knowing this is exactly how it is going to be forever. Or you can leave the marriage.

I, too, suspect abuse is a big player in why she is this way. You said she had multiple abusive boyfriends and an abusive childhood. Sorry but the chances of her becoming "normal" are nearly zero. She'll never be "normal". She may learn to overcome many of her internal issues, but only if she decides to do some very hard work. You can't do the work for her, you can't force her to go to therapy. Chances are if you try to make it a boundary issue that she either goes to therapy or you leave, she'll dump you.

You were the safe one. She didn't want the hot lover for a husband. She didn't want all that sex and touching. She thought you were safe and would go along with a touchless sexless marriage.

If you were my son I'd tell him to run like his ass is on fire.

And for God's sake don't get her pregnant! That's her next trick if she thinks you're about to leave. Seriously. Believe it, and use a condom or don't have sex with her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> OMG....Replacing her panties with smaller sizes. You are evil and a dangerous opponent!


In my house this happens naturally as my wife and teenage daughter get their underwear confused. Two things happen:

• Our daughter freaks out that mom can manage to fit into her smaller underwear.
• Mom freaks out that she has gained even more weight.

Then I just sit back and enjoy the resulting quarrel of awkwardness that takes place!

Badsanta


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Raveslave said:


> Yes she did have a very rough child hood and in the past abused by more than one boyfriend, she has told me I'm one of the only guys she's been with that isn't abusive, physically or verbally.



Give your wife this link - Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

Read the last line of the article, that is what you need to ask her.
My wife read this article and said "sorry", not often she ever said that.
When you wife starts in on you, let her know, "I'm your husband, not the POS's that hurt you"

ps - If your willing to tough it out a little bit longer, give her this book - http://www.shannonethridge.com/prod...ing-with-your-husband-mind-body-heart-spirit/

The author also does 4 day seminars for women who have been abused, or have other issues with sex.

Last tip - I had two different counselors tell me to work on myself, be the best man I could be. (Not to mention a lot of people on TAM). You will either get your wife's attention or you will be in better shape to meet someone new after the divorce.

So get out there and WORK OUT LIKE A MOFO!! It will make you more confident, help you sleep better, and if your legs & back are cramping from the workouts, sleep is more important than sex, at least in the short haul.

By my losing weight, my wife saw that I meant business.

Check out my story, you really don't want to be putting up with this for 30 years. My wife held my kids over my head, so as another poster mentioned, Don't get her preggers!

My life is turning around, but I wish it would have been years ago.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Women in their 30's are supposed to be that much closer to figuring things out. 

With her current attitude and the difference in age, move on. 

You'll be giving us a report a year from now saying thanks for all the great advice and that you've met 5 women your own age that are currently banging your brains out and you couldn't be happier.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

It will not get better buddy. They only get older and you are not even in your prime. I been there and done that and it don't ever come back the way you want it. Unless some drastic changes are made. But a older woman with a young man like you aint trying to hear nothing you say.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

First off, sex is a not currency to be used to prove love, punish or reward anything. The desire for sex depends on our libidos which vary from person to person. My wife is the type of woman that will do anything in bed but if I approach her in the kitchen or living room, she will recoil away from me. In her mind, sex is for the bedroom only. I can go furher. Sex is for my bedroom only. We have never had sex in my wife's bedroom for 20 years or more. My wife had a difficult childhood with alcoholic and abusive parents. She was taught that sex was dirty and if she had it before marriage, she would be kicked out of the house. 

My wife has proven her love for me in non sexual ways all the time. We did have sex twice a day for the first few years of our marriage and even tried wife swapping and soft swinging for awhile. As our love and sex life matured, my wife was happy to have sex just once a week but would have it anytime I asked. The problem was that I do not enjoy sex unless my wife is enjoying too, so I seldom asked. My wife took measures to fill my sexual needs and hers. She invited her best friend to be my girlfriend and live with us. It was not all for me though. My wife's long repressed bisexuality was making her fantasize about women during sex and in her dreams. Soon we were a permanent threesome with our girlfriend living with us in what is called a poly triad. Between the two women I was able to have more sex than I could handle. My wife loved threesomes. She learned that she prefers sex with women and having a woman in bed with us made her want to have more sex. She chose me as her only male sex partner and her best friend as her only female sex partner and we lived like that for most of our 40+ years of marriage. Very happily and problem free, may I add.

In one fell swoop my wife found a way to satisfy my high sex drive and her need for a woman in her live without having to cheat and eliminating my need to seek sex outside the marriage. Sounds immoral but not according to our morals and it worked well. We are still married 40+ years later when all who we knew are divorced once or multiple times. 

When we moved away form our girlfriend, my wife went back to once a week sex, if I was lucky. As usual we found a solution for that by fetish play that makes my wife to have sex more often and is having the best orgasms of her life and multiple ones again. The best way to have good sex is to communicate well with your spouse. Find out why she does not want sex more often for instance. I found out that my wife does not like intercourse and felt it her duty to provide that to me. We eliminated intercourse and she wanted sex more. Good communication also let us find out what each of us likes and dislikes so that we were able to both want and enjoy sex. My wife told me of her preference for sex with women but she also loved sex with me but not other men. I know the reason for that. She was a virgin when we married so the only sex she knows is making love. Group sex does not usually lend itself to making love. It is pretty much sex for fun and not an expression of love. Plus she did not like intercourse and felt pressured to provide it because that was what the guys wanted. Establish a good line of communication with your wife in a safe atmosphere so that she feels comfortable telling you things that she may find embarrassing or things that may hurt your feelings. My wife was ashamed that she thought of and desire women for sex. She did not want to tell me that she did not like intercourse. Thought I would leave her. Knowing what each other needs and wants allows you to find common ground.

Try it. You have nothing to lose. In my lifetime I have come across wives who were into very kinky stuff that they were too embarrassed to tell their husbands about or even do with them for fear of losing their respect. Their solution was to seek out other men to take care of their fetish needs.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Raveslave- if you and wife are a christian, here is a thought for you, - Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

There is another section of the bible that talks about if you have a issue with someone, go to them - If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16"But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED.…

I let my wife know what I expected from our marriage, and gave her the option to change. I never threatened divorce in 27 years, so when I said things need to change or we are done, she knew I was serious.

Everyone here at TAM are just arm chair quarterbacks. Take all the thoughts given, figure out what MAY work for you, then try it out.

Just be sure you are willing to carry thru whichever way you go.


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