# What is a "180" and how do you know when you should do it?



## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

I've read many threads recently about people discussing "doing the 180", but I haven't found a thread about what it is and knowing when to apply it to the relationship. This may be long but want to try and get everything out and see if the "180" should apply. 

Things have been kinda iffy in my relationship, but not to point of separation. I think its more of the "honeymoon" period has worn off,along with the excitement and now real life has settled in. Sex is still amazing, we have slow periods where its maybe 2-3 times a week, then back to normal of 5-6. So that's not the issue either. It's the me giving everything I can to him and not getting anything in return. Evenings are just spent playing on our phones, or watching tv. Not much conversing. 

He works 12+ hour days and I'm now a SAHW. I make sure everything is done around here, dishes, laundry, cooking, yard work, so when he comes home he can rest and spend that time with me. 

But his routine is come home, eat, shower, play on phone/comp. and then bed. We talk a max of 10 mins. 

We have children from previous marriages, but they each live with the other parents and we have every other wknds with them. So convo's are high during those times, but when its just us there is nothing. 

I try when I do go out, to think of him and what he would like and pick him something up, just a show of "hey even though I was out, I thought of you or as a Thank you for all you are doing to support our families". I get a thank you but that's it. 

I guess I just want some appreciation from him. Maybe every so often something small just to show he was thinking of me. He goes out with buddies, and I NEVER nag. I feel we are 2 separate people and need to have our own lives but I so want him to see me. 

We did date nights for awhile but then money got tight so we don't do those anymore. We don't go out period. Except for bills and groceries. He is very selfish at times and I do at times resent him for that, but he has always been that way and I knew that before I got with him.

I just don't know so I'm turning here to see if anyone may have some pointers as to what if anything I can do to help open/further our relationship. 

(Background HS sweethearts for 3 yrs, he went off to Navy we broke up, married others, divorced near same time, got back together and have been for 3yrs to date. We have lived together for 2 of those yrs and are now engaged)

Thanks and sorry this turned into such a long post.
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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

The 180 is just the idea that you do the opposite of what you do now, and garner your strength and independence to be fine without them. It's usually talked about in a situation where the spouse is cheating. Here's a link to the individual thread, but you'll find others in the "Going through divorce or separation section". http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html

You guys sound like you've just lost your spark. Complacency. I would suggest reading The 5 Love Languages by Chapman. There is an online quiz if you google it. The book is really good and can make a difference, too. Another book is His Needs Her Needs by Harley. Makes you look at relationships differently. You've both grown, but not together. So you have to try to change the dynamic so that you are the people you were when you fell in love. You're still the same people, but the traits that attracted you to each other have been thrown to the wayside. 

I could have written this verbatim about 7 months ago. This is a danger point. This is the point where a lot of people end up in affairs. That's what happened to my marriage. We've been separated for 2 months and he all of a sudden has a new girlfriend, that happens to be the woman I've been concerned about for 6 months. Started online, a reconnection with a high school sweetheart, and she lives clear across the country. It can happen to anyone. I would have never guessed it. Anyhow, back to you. Women are the relationship protectors, it's just the role we play. Now is your chance to do something. Become informed, poke around this site. Lots of great info!

Good luck!


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## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your situation LonelyNLost, yeah I think that could be absolutely the issue. And I will deff check out the quiz, book and other threads on here. I did a search for "180" and nothing came up, but could be cause I'm on my phone lol.

I am almost positive there is no cheating. He has told me since the beginning if he's not happy and wants someone else he will straight tell me and I do believe him. He is not secretive about anything, phone, computer, where he goes or when he gets home so trust and cheating is not an issue. ( Hopefully I'm not being nieve(sp?) in believing this) 

I think it could be the "spark" has gone due to life moving on and us growing as people. 

Thank you so much for your time and response.
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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yeah, I'm not saying he is cheating, but it's high time to "fix" things and improve your marriage or this will be a risk. And it could be either of you! 

I've searched for 180 before on here, too and had a hard time with results. Like I said, check that other section. I don't think it would apply to your situation. Doesn't sound like your H is even discussing the disconnect with you. You need to open a dialogue about it. He might be fine with it, or it could be bothering him, too. There are plenty of things you could do that are free. Board games at home with a drink, hanging with neighbors, going for walks, etc. 

Get that spark back, girl!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

It's also on the "self-help relationship programs" board.
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## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

Thank you both. And I just took the Love Language Quiz and my results were

Quality time 33%
Recieveing gifts 7%
Acts of service 13%
Physical touch 27%
Words of affirmation 20%

Now to sit down and try to understand them lol and get him to take the test.
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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

greeneyedky said:


> Now to sit down and try to understand them lol and get him to take the test.


He doesn't have to take the test. I've got the book and they give tips on how to figure out your spouses love language. My husbands is gifts and I can assure you he would never admit that on any quiz. LOL!!

Another thing is the transition to sahw is hard and it takes a while to work out the details of it. My husband works 12 hours too and it's easy to get in a rut. You can break it you just have to get creative without putting him down in the process.


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## greeneyedky (Aug 21, 2010)

Lol! Yeah I can about guess most of his but you never know sometimes. 

As for the transition ugh, I would much rather be working lol..... I'm very independent and want to do for myself( that and if something happens I wanna know I can make it on my own) We are down to only one vehicle and his job was/is much more steady then mine was(20hrs a wk telemarketer) so we decided based on gas and income I would stay at home. Although I am seeking work within walking distance. 

I try never to insult nor put him down, we try not to point out each others flaws, just accept them and move on. We do though(I for one) know hold resentment on certain things but we don't tell each other, cause somethings may be to petty to have a arguement over. We are an easy going couple who just seem to be out of things to talk about so we sit in silence. I do everything around here, and I think he has come to just expect it. Where as I would appreciate a little help, consideration, and respect for what I do do. 

There are times I think I'm just not gonna do such, such, and such today. And see if he notices. I have done this in the past only to be told" wow you were home all day and only did this". So I just continue to do as a "housewife" should. Mostly out of boredom and to make the day go faster. 

But am looking for ideas to help us open up and get that spark bk and didn't know if the "180" was what that was about.
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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

You are a lot like me. I'm tied quality time and physical touch, and I gathered from your original post that it's important for you to have one on one time with him. My H was words of affirmation. The book is insightful because it talks about how sometimes one spouse is totally happy and clueless and the other is unhappy. Because one's love tank might be getting filled but the other's is not. Sounds like he works hard, so he might be words of affirmation. A lot of guys seem to be. Or he could be acts of service, considering how you take care of everything at home. He could be totally content. Sounds like a discussion needs to be had. 

The 180 is not for rekindling a spark, IMO. If you are both respecting each other and marital boundaries, that's not what it's for.


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