# how would you handle this?



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

so it started out me and my husband working full time. we don't have any children.

he was laid off about 7 months ago. he has not looked for work once. hasn't updated his resume or applied for one job and i have asked him to and told him he needed to work and contribute.

so at the beginning of the year he signs up for a short training course which ends in july. he seems to think this has given him a free pass to not work or do anything. i have asked him to look for a part time job as we are struggling financially and my health has not been that great.

i have asked him to at least take care of the home and he did it a couple times and it is now a filthy mess. dishes piled up in the sink and stinking, carpets filthy, lawn not mowed and full of weeds, no laundry, no shopping, and the cooking he might make me frozen pizza or pasta but then i have to wash my own plate and fork as everything is dirty.

he said i should do it if i wanted it clean.

i really don't want him to be a stay at home spouse as we have no children and don't intend to so there is really no reason for him not to be working.

another poster, beachguy has me thinking if he did all the housework and kept the home and took care of me, should i let him stay home? 

i really don't want to have all the burden of all the bills on me though.

i have recently gone to the doctor about my severe depression.

i have talked to my husband some about this but he just does whatever he wants to do and won't look for work. 

he isn't depressed either. he is extremely lazy unless it is something he wants to do.

should i talk to him about this again and what should i say?

should i say it is ok for him to stay home even though he has done nothing to show he will take care of the home?
should i leave for a month or two?
should i make a list of what i expect done around the house?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> should i say it is ok for him to stay home even though he has done nothing to show he will take care of the home?


NO, you should NOT say this. It is a LIE. It is NOT okay with you. You're already angry/resentful/hurt about it NOW. Do you think looking at this mess for another 40 years is going to somehow be LESS annoying?



> should i make a list of what i expect done around the house?


NO, then you're just acting like his MOMMY, not his wife. He's supposed to be your PARTNER.



> should i leave for a month or two?


Are you SURE he's not depressed? How was his behavior with regard to housework in the days BEFORE he lost his job?

Set some expectations. NOT as the 'breadwinner', but as HALF of a PARTNERSHIP that is supposed to be WORKING TOGETHER. Give him a set timeframe to (a) get a job and (b) start doing his fair share of work around the house DAILY. If he is unwilling to meet the expectations, you need to consider WHY? Is he just looking for an irresponsible, free-ride through life? Maybe he's not marriage material?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Why stay married to a loser? You seem to be getting zilch out of it.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

yeah it would be a lie because it really isn't ok with me as this isn't what i signed up for.

i got the idea for the list from the other thread on stay at home spouse where some of the husbands made daily lists for their wives of things that needed to be done at home.

he has been to the doctor for a physical recently and he is definitely not depressed.

i am the breadwinner though. right now it isn't an equal partnership with him loafing around playing video games except for the 2 days he goes to school and me busting my hump full time plus commute plus shopping and errands and cleaning the house if iwant it clean doing my own laundry and anything else i would like.

so what do i say to him. 

something like we have talked about the situation with you getting a job before and i really need you to get a job and have one within the next 2 months.

should i ask him why he isn't looking for work?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

AFEH said:


> Why stay married to a loser? You seem to be getting zilch out of it.


so you think i should just walk out?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What makes you believe he's not depressed? Women are diagnosed with depression more often than guys but guys blow their brains out at twice the rate of women and I don't imagine they do so because they are happy. Sex is a huge motivator to most guys. What are things like in that department?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Tigger said:


> so you think i should just walk out?


That’s not at all for me to say.

But your depression may well be as a direct result of his behaviour. Our mental health is somewhat dependent on those around us. Some people say it isn’t, that we shouldn’t let others “make us happy”. But others can cause us a great deal of frustration and sadness. That sadness only needs to go on for more than a month and hey presto, we’re depressed.

Still others say selfishness is a bad thing. That we shouldn’t look to do things in order to get things back in return. But guess what, we all do things with the expectation of getting something back in return.

There’s a very big difference between being selfish and being self-centred.

But guess what. The more we put in if that results in getting nothing back, the more self-centred we become!


Again you need to ask yourself what you are doing with such a loser. Why are you there.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

unbelievable said:


> What makes you believe he's not depressed? Women are diagnosed with depression more often than guys but guys blow their brains out at twice the rate of women and I don't imagine they do so because they are happy. Sex is a huge motivator to most guys. What are things like in that department?


does being depressed give you an excuse not to work or look for a job?

he isn't depressed because he went to the doctor and the doctor says he is not depressed. he is perfectly fine doing things he wants to do but avoids things he doesn't want to do.

i went to the doctor last week and he told me I am severely depressed and i have a prescription for medication and counselling.

since i am the one who is severely depressed does this mean i can quit my job and sit around and play video games?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

AFEH said:


> That’s not at all for me to say.
> 
> But your depression may well be as a direct result of his behaviour. Our mental health is somewhat dependent on those around us. Some people say it isn’t, that we shouldn’t let others “make us happy”. But others can cause us a great deal of frustration and sadness. That sadness only needs to go on for more than a month and hey presto, we’re depressed.
> 
> ...


the counselor thinks the depression might be related to this because it started to come on in january and he had been out of work for a couple of months.

excuse my keyboard some of the keys aren't working

the reason i am here is because i love him and he was employed up until 7 months ago and i truly truly thought he would start looking for work in january when companies start hiring again and he didn't and then he started this part tiem school thing and i asked him to get a part time job and he hasn't so maybe i have been hoping that this is just a fluke and he really will get a job.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

He told you that unless you want to eat from a dirty plate you should wash it yourself? How about telling him that if he wants to eat and have a roof over his head he should contribute! I can empathise with anyone getting laid off from their work, but refusing to contribute to the home in any way whatsoever (helping to keep it clean etc) isn't on.

He's putting way too much pressure on you and needs to find himself some form of employment (even if it's weeding other people's gardens) and start taking care of (at least) his own share of the household chores.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tigger said:


> does being depressed give you an excuse not to work or look for a job?
> 
> he isn't depressed because he went to the doctor and the doctor says he is not depressed. he is perfectly fine doing things he wants to do but avoids things he doesn't want to do.
> 
> ...


There's a host of women on this forum and elsewhere who give depression as a valid excuse for withholding sex from their mate, so, apparently the answer is "yes". Depression is a medical condition and not a choice. Would you divorce your spouse if they developed cancer and couldn't work? Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health"?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A diagnosis is only as good as the physician making it. I went to various doctors for years and they all missed my Crohn's disease. It was diagnosed finally when I had to go in for emergency surgery.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> so what do i say to him.


You say, "Look, (hubby), I'm done with living like this. This is a marriage, not a hotel, not a vacation. I am tired of being the ONLY PERSON in this marriage who is making any effort to build a future.

If you don't want to work or even look for work, that's your choice. But it's NOT OKAY with me. I don't need a TEENAGER lying around the house all day, doing nothing, being lazy, being irresponsible, having a good time, playing video games. I NEED A PARTNER. If you don't want to be my ADULT PARTNER in this relationship, then get out.

I will no longer work my ass off to feed you, clothe you, put a roof over your head, pay the utilities, etc. only to come home bone-ass-tired and find out that you've done NOTHING all day about getting a job, cleaning the house, cooking a meal, etc.

I can live ON MY OWN and continue to work my ass off to feed MYSELF, clothe MYSELF, put a roof over MY head, pay the utilties, etc. AND, guess what, I would have the added bonus of COMING HOME, bone-ass-tired to a CLEAN HOUSE because I'M NOT A LAZY SLOB.

Now, you have (insert timeframe here) to GET A JOB. Between now and then, you WILL keep the house cleaned up, do the laundry, do the grocery shopping and cook decent dinners every night since you will have SOME TIME AVAILABLE in between looking for a JOB. I do NOT have time available until AFTER I get home from work. I will do what I can around here AFTER WORK. 

If you don't like the idea of being a WORKING ADULT in an ADULT relationship, then just SAY SO. Speak up, like I am DOING NOW. If you do NOT have a job in (insert timeframe here), and/or you are NOT taking care of this house completely and appropriately, then I am filing for divorce and moving on. If you want to hang around like a piece of dead weight, contributing NOTHING financially OR relationship-wise, you'll be hanging around as dead weight SOMEWHERE ELSE. Questions?"

Tigger, he will either "man-up", or you'll know you're not married to a man.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You say, "Look, (hubby), I'm done with living like this. This is a marriage, not a hotel, not a vacation. I am tired of being the ONLY PERSON in this marriage who is making any effort to build a future.
> 
> If you don't want to work or even look for work, that's your choice. But it's NOT OKAY with me. I don't need a TEENAGER lying around the house all day, doing nothing, being lazy, being irresponsible, having a good time, playing video games. I NEED A PARTNER. If you don't want to be my ADULT PARTNER in this relationship, then get out.
> 
> ...


wow this is awesome. i really love your no nonsense posts. im going to say something like this to him in the morning.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Cosmos said:


> He told you that unless you want to eat from a dirty plate you should wash it yourself? How about telling him that if he wants to eat and have a roof over his head he should contribute! I can empathise with anyone getting laid off from their work, but refusing to contribute to the home in any way whatsoever (helping to keep it clean etc) isn't on.
> 
> He's putting way too much pressure on you and needs to find himself some form of employment (even if it's weeding other people's gardens) and start taking care of (at least) his own share of the household chores.


yeah i should just stop paying the bills and buying groceries and if he wants that then he can do it himself


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

unbelievable said:


> There's a host of women on this forum and elsewhere who give depression as a valid excuse for withholding sex from their mate, so, apparently the answer is "yes". Depression is a medical condition and not a choice. Would you divorce your spouse if they developed cancer and couldn't work? Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health"?


cool since i am the one who is sick then i can quit my job and stay home and be sick and he has to take care of me in sickness and health. its good to know that is how it is supposed to work


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tigger:

Is hubby job-hunting again at this point?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Tigger said:


> i am the breadwinner though. right now it isn't an equal partnership with him loafing around playing video games except for the 2 days he goes to school and me busting my hump full time plus commute plus shopping and errands and cleaning the house if iwant it clean doing my own laundry and anything else i would like.
> 
> so what do i say to him.


Take the video game system away. Hell him he has 2 months to FIND a job. Once he has said job, he can have his game system back. In the meantime, make him a "honey do" list and leave it for him on the FRIDGE! 

I hate lazy GROWN men!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Did you have that talk with him?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Had the talk with him. Situation is exactly the same.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Had the talk with him. Situation is exactly the same.


Then leave. He is not going to change. If you choose to stay with him then stop complaining because its a choice that YOU have to make. You can do better than that!

Put your big girl panties on sweetheart!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If you stay with him in 2013, then it's ALL on YOU.

If you want to stay, do it! We are NOT here to make your choices for you. Your life, your choices, your happiness.

If you want out, go see an attorney the first week of January and start filing. You've ALREADY been putting up with this cr*p since MAY that WE KNOW OF (how long BEFORE you came to TAM?)

New year, new start (divorce OR suck it up). I see NO up-side to staying with this man, but I'm not you!


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

So, from what I have been told here (by men), men respond to ACTION, not words. Many don't get that the situation is dire unless something HAPPENS. They hear you talking and just classify it as 'nagging' and don't pay attention.

(I know, in this situation you'd think a grown man would know that letting his wife support him while he does nothing isn't acceptable).

Do you live in a house or apt? Is the mortgage/lease in both your names? 

It would be ideal if you could take your stuff and leave- tell him you are willing to work on the relationship- go to counseling if he pays for it, but that you can no longer live with someone who will not contribute to the relationship. Then continue on with your life.

If he wakes up and starts putting the work in necessary to salvage the marriage, great. If not, a lot better to know now than continue to carry him.


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Had the talk with him. Situation is exactly the same.


Dump him, he's a loser. 

If he was at least looking hard for a job, that's one thing, but not even trying would be a deal breaker for me. Boot him, see how many single ladies are willing to put up with his unemployed lazy ass, there won't be many.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

pink_lady said:


> So, from what I have been told here (by men), men respond to ACTION, not words. Many don't get that the situation is dire unless something HAPPENS. They hear you talking and just classify it as 'nagging' and don't pay attention.
> 
> (I know, in this situation you'd think a grown man would know that letting his wife support him while he does nothing isn't acceptable).
> 
> ...



I believe that is the case. I just need to pack up and walk out. 

I really want to see this house first as I don't want any obligations

couseling is free here but he won't go.


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