# Getting Over An Affair



## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

Hello, 

I am looking for any support/advice from someone who has accepted their spouse back after a significant affair. My wife of ten years had an affair about a year 1/2 ago. She moved out and continued to see her boyfriend for 5 months. I was tempted to file for divorce (obviously), but felt strongly that it would be worth it to wait and see how things develop. We are back together now and have gone through therapy etc. I have said I am giving this all a chance, and will see how it goes for me. 

I am curious how others have felt the evolution of emotions, and whether it is likely to recover from this. Sometimes I feel like I need to work harder to move forward, but other times I wonder if I ever really will. Painful emotions still arise and are difficult to restrain/express. 

Recently I found her lover's old condoms in her drawer while I was looking for socks, and it brought back bad feelings. I believed her that she had just forgotten they were there. The fact that they were "magnum" condoms made me feel uncomfortable. There's certain things you don't want to know about your wife's lover. 

any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks,


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What is SHE doing to fix things? What has she done for you? Is she clear of STD's? Has she given you a complete timeline of everything she did? Has she offered to cut off her left boob for you?


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

She has been more supportive/aware of my needs than previously. And she's done some therapy to get at the underlying issues (not dealing well with stress, etc)... more needs to happen. 

I feel like I have a timeline of everything that happened, yes. thanks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

marcangelo said:


> She has been more supportive/aware of my needs than previously.


 Examples please.



marcangelo said:


> And she's done some therapy to get at the underlying issues (not dealing well with stress, etc)... more needs to happen.


 When will more happen?



marcangelo said:


> I feel like I have a timeline of everything that happened, yes. thanks.


 You FEEL?? That doesn't sound very sure to me. SHE has to give it to you. She has to tell the complete and total TRUTH. About EVERYTHING.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

She is still in therapy so I am hopeful/expecting more progress to happen. Mostly it feels like she has addressed core issues of stress, selfishness, etc. At times it feels like she hasn't as much as I would expect. It's more my own emotions that I am concerned about. Small things that can trigger a range of emotions still. The condom thing for example. 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by needing to know everything... I feel like I know the major details about when it started, stopped, etc. Can you give me an example of something you would want to know if you were me?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

marcangelo said:


> I'm not sure exactly what you mean by needing to know everything... I feel like I know the major details about when it started, stopped, etc. Can you give me an example of something you would want to know if you were me?


Many betrayed spouses want to know exact dates and times, that kind of thing. The important thing is that SHE be doing most of the work here - that's what I am trying to get a sense of. What does she do when you tell her you're triggering? Has she offered to show you STD test results? Has she apologized ten million times? How remorseful is she?

What SHE does determines what YOU do.

How long ago did you find out about her cheating?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

VERY useful info here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/430739-post1.html


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Unfortunately this is what occurs when one spouse goes off and has an affair while the other one keep the home fires going, rather than take action and divorce they pine for the other spouse and beg and cry and at times willing to wait and wait until they (other spouse) comes back and when they do there is a sense of euphoria for a while and then depression sets in because the reality is that one spouse spouse was suffering, and the other spouse was not there to comfort them, instead they were shacking up with lust and hunger and desire until they had their fill, then they cam home...in this case she came home to you know that you are plan b, what ever she says you are plan b...until the next time and that is the problem, because in the back of your mind, she has not done the heavy lifting , she has not shown you that you can trust her again, she makes feeble attempt at remorse and compassion but deep down there is no regret, and there is alway the chance it will happen again...this is what you won. and it doesn't go away for at least 3 to 5 years....and you will become angry with her, because deep down inside you regret taking her back and you are angry at your self....the fact you found those condems means they were doing in your martial bed....that bed shoudl be burned along with the mattress and she should buy you a new bed.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Unfortunately this is what occurs when one spouse goes off and has an affair while the other one keep the home fires going, rather than take action and divorce they pine for the other spouse and beg and cry and at times willing to wait and wait until they (other spouse) comes back.


thanks for the thoughts. I wasn't really begging and crying though... I was seeing someone else during the separation and it was mostly my wife who was working to get back together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marcangelo said:


> She has been more supportive/aware of my needs than previously. And she's done some therapy to get at the underlying issues (not dealing well with stress, etc)... more needs to happen.
> 
> I feel like I have a timeline of everything that happened, yes. thanks.


So she left his condoms laying around?

Boy she sounds like a real catch.

And super supportive!

*cough* DNA the kid!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

marcangelo said:


> thanks for the thoughts. I wasn't really begging and crying though... I was seeing someone else during the separation and it was my wife who was working to get back together.


Well frankly i am glad, you are exception and not the rule....so i have to ask you what promises did she make if you were to get back? you were seeing someone who wanted to be with you, but decided to get back at her pleading...what promises and has she lived up to them? but don't tell me you don't still live with regards for coming back together?

PS i woudl still get rid of the bed and have her pay for a new one


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I'm so sorry for your situation. I've been reading a book lately that says that the stages of losing a spouse or a partner are a lot like the stages of grief. Similar evolution of emotions etc


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Well frankly i am glad, you are exception and not the rule....so i have to ask you what promises did she make if you were to get back? you were seeing someone who wanted to be with you, but decided to get back at her pleading...what promises and has she lived up to them? but don't tell me you don't still live with regards for coming back together?
> 
> PS i woudl still get rid of the bed and have her pay for a new one


The promises were mostly about addressing with her underlying emotional/mental issues. Mostly how she deals with stress. At the time of the affair she was starting her own business. I feel like she has made progress in that area (stress). There's been some lapses, yeah. 

I don't regret getting back together, as difficult as it's been.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

double post-


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm so sorry for your situation. I've been reading a book lately that says that the stages of losing a spouse or a partner are a lot like the stages of grief. Similar evolution of emotions etc


Thank you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What is SHE doing to fix things? What has she done for you? Is she clear of STD's? Has she given you a complete timeline of everything she did? * Has she offered to cut off her left boob for you?*


*She could lop both of them clean off and then go down on Main Street and juggle them on a unicycle for all I care, and I still wouldn't care one damned bit! *


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You do not have to get all the details.

Just knowing that there was an affair was enough for me. I wanted no details.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

marcangelo said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am looking for any support/advice from someone who has accepted their spouse back after a significant affair. My wife of ten years had an affair about a year 1/2 ago. She moved out and continued to see her boyfriend for 5 months. I was tempted to file for divorce (obviously), but felt strongly that it would be worth it to wait and see how things develop. Partly because we have a 3 year old daughter but also because I have valued our relationship so much. We are back together now and have gone through therapy etc. I have said I am giving this all a chance, and will see how it goes for me.
> 
> ...


She "forgot" about them? How did they end up in *you*r sock drawer...Someone had to put them there...I'm going to guess the wife....she kept them (XL) for a reason...if she really want a clean start over them would of been tossed in the trash along with the OM...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why are you settling for so little in your life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So you two have only been back together for a month. 

You haven't hit the anger stage yet. It takes five years average to get back to normalcy after an affair. 

You seem pretty calm and unaffected by the whole thing, like all she did was back her car into yours and dented it.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

ZedZ said:


> She "forgot" about them? How did they end up in *you*r sock drawer...Someone had to put them there...I'm going to guess the wife....she kept them (XL) for a reason...if she really want a clean start over them would of been tossed in the trash along with the OM...


It was her drawer


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> So you two have only been back together for a month.
> 
> You haven't hit the anger stage yet. It takes five years average to get back to normalcy after an affair.
> 
> You seem pretty calm and unaffected by the whole thing, like all she did was back her car into yours and dented it.


It's been almost a year since the affair ended, and 4 months since we've been living together...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

marcangelo said:


> It's been almost a year since the affair ended, and 4 months since we've been living together...




How do you know for sure the affair ended? How did it end? She OM dump her?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

You said you're waiting for therapy to produce the desired changes in your wife.

Be aware that if therapy has any significant affect at all, it can take years. 

Many years.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

How did her affair end? If he ended it she came back to her plan B. She said it was only about the sex. So what will happen when some other guy comes along swinging a magnum ****?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you handled this all wrong.

Still a lot to know and do.

First of all about knowing what happened. Did you find out or did she confess on her own. If you found out, how did you find out ? If she told you on her own, what was her reason for telling you ? Did she trickle truth you at first ? Has she written down a timeline of what happened and when and where ? Does she now answer all your questions truthfully ? Questions like how many times, when and where, sexual positions, did she do anything with him (kinky or otherwise) that she didn't do with you sexually, were "I love you's" exchanged, did she ever say anything about you to him, did she have him in your house, your bed, did she enjoy sex with him more than you etc etc. Did any of her friends or family know and cover for or help her with the affair. These are all questions that could be lurking in your mind and festering and she has to be able to answer truthfully or you can never heal. 

The sad truth is that you will probably never get all these answers unless she is truly remorseful, has empathy with you and truly is in love with you again. Which brings me to the second issue. Is she really remorseful ? It doesn't sound like it as she is in damage limitation and recovery with you as Plan B. Did the POSOM dump her ? How did it end ? It sound like she regrets being caught or this coming out however it did - but to be truly remorseful, she should be doing stuff on her own without prompting from anyone - like answering all your questions, coping with your mood swings, understanding triggers and being much more sensitive and proactive in helping you heal. She should be on her knees, snot nosed begging for you to give her chance and she should be saying things like even if you divorce me I will continue to work on making things better for us. Somehow, I doubt that she is actually there.

Which brings me to what you need to do next. You need to make sure that her affair is exposed and better still, if she comes clean to both sets of parents and friends. You need to file for divorce and she needs to give you a very amicable divorce and not make things difficult. Then maybe if you feel like you could date and see if getting back together is an option.

At the very least you need to dump her and do the 180 to help you heal whilst protecting your assets. And DNA your kid as this may not have been her first rodeo.

A lot to do and I wouldn't let it linger in limbo like this.

Take care.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You might have better luck by posting under the "reconciliation" subforum on here.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> How did her affair end? If he ended it she came back to her plan B. She said it was only about the sex. So what will happen when some other guy comes along swinging a magnum ****?


She ended it. She got a restraining order against him when he wouldn't back off. 

I do think about it happening again, but I think the regret is real enough that she would take a different approach if she felt attracted to someone again.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Sorry OP, but it sounds like you handled this all wrong.
> 
> Still a lot to know and do.
> 
> ...


She just told me about it after seeing him for a month behind my back. She was supposed to be in San Diego on a "girls trip" with friends but instead went to a hotel in San Diego with her bf. I asked her to move out. She saw him off and on for about 7 months while living on her own... I was casually dating someone during this time. 

There were setbacks along the way during this time, but ultimately I decided to see if reconciliation was possible. 

I do believe she is genuinely remorseful. She has reached out to my family to express regret, etc


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You've mentioned several times you were dating/seeing someone else during the separation. Were you also having sex with someone else?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

marcangelo said:


> She just told me about it after seeing him for a month behind my back. She was supposed to be in San Diego on a "girls trip" with friends but instead went to a hotel with her bf. I asked her to move out. She saw him off and on for about 7 months while living on her own... I was also dating someone during this time. I don't feel like I need to know some of the other details.
> 
> There were definitely setbacks along the way during this time, but ultimately I decided to see if reconciliation was possible. She has acknowledged that I can/might walk away at any time.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. So let me understand this correct.

18 months ago your wife of 10 years met a well hung man. Do you know who he is, how they met, how long before the San Diego trip had they been "talking" and was that really the first time. Also have there been others (you don't really know do you).

Anyway, she doesn't go to San Diego but goes to a motel with the POSOM. She continues to see him for a month without you knowing. Was she sleeping with him and you at the same time. Do you know if you got sloppy seconds after she finished with him on the same day (especially if you gave her oral). You see, you do need to know some details because you don't really know what you are forgiving.

Then for some reason she tells you about it. You didn't have any gut feel, or clues that something was off which is not usual/normal. You ask her to leave. She goes. Where ? Did she move in with him ? Did she rent ? Did she go to her parents ? This goes on for 7 months (in your first post you said 5 months).

Did she take your 3 year old daughter with her or was your daughter with you ? If so how did you cope ?

You in the meantime find someone else. Did you go looking for someone or did it just happen ? Did you already know this someone before this happened. What happened to this someone in the end. How did the two of you stop seeing each other. I am assuming that you were sleeping with this someone.

You then say that there were "setbacks" along the way. What were these ? You were tempted to file for divorce but wanted to hold back to see how this worked out while the two of you were seeing other people. You did this because you valued your relationship too much.

In any case she then decided to dump her boyfriend and even got a restraining order against him. So he didn't turn out to be the grand prize she thought he was. So she now decides she wants to come back and you let her. So she moves back in and while doing so, brings his used magnum condom with her and while she is putting things back into drawers etc, she somehow packs the used magnum condom in with her stuff in a drawer.

The two of you go to counselling thinking this will fix things. And she has now been back for 4 months and "seems" remorseful because she has reached out to your family to share her "regrets".

And you are wondering why you still feel bad and get triggers ?!?!?!?

Things that I would wonder about are:

How many times has she done this with other men before.

Did she really come back for you or for stability since King Kong didn't work out for her (aka Plan B).

Is she really remorseful or just regrets that it didn't work out.

Whats with transporting the used condom from her place back to yours.

What real consequences has she faced for her actions.


You see what I mean by there is still a lot to know and that you haven't really handled this well. So please listen to some of the others here that say that you should file for D anyway to see her true colours (you can always stop it right until the last minute). She should be moving mountains to make you feel OK and should be giving you truthful answers on demand no matter how many times you ask her. She should be ready to take a poly. She should be transparent in her communications and actions. And all this with no real guarantee of R. And as others have pointed out this triggering etc. can go on for 5 years. You are in no position right now to R.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> You've mentioned several times you were dating/seeing someone else during the separation. Were you also having sex with someone else?


No, it was just dating, some kissing etc. She didn't want to have sex unless I left my wife.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Thanks for your response. So let me understand this correct.
> 
> 18 months ago your wife of 10 years met a well hung man. Do you know who he is, how they met, how long before the San Diego trip had they been "talking" and was that really the first time. Also have there been others (you don't really know do you).
> 
> ...


Thanks. a few answers:

a) Yeah, I do know who he is. She was principal at a new school that was opening and he was a married man working construction on her site. I know his name, have seen him on facebook, etc. I have never interacted with him. I am not aware of any previous affairs, no. 

b) They were seeing each other for about a month before San Diego. I didn't see any warning signs, apart from the fact that she was extremely stressed out with opening a new charter school and was doing weird things like going for runs at 3 in the morning. I had encouraged her to seek counseling because she was feeling overwhelmed. She did not do so...

c) She moved out to her own apt. ultimately she broke the lease at the place to return home. We shared our 3 yr old daughter during this time. 

d) The condoms were not used. They were just unused condoms that she'd left in her drawer she was using at her new apt. She brought the drawer back to our home and the condoms were still there. 

e) There were numerous setbacks. A lack of empathy mostly. Comments that felt tone deaf.

f) Interesting question about "consequences" she has faced. I'm not sure if therapy counts as a consequence, but that's been going on for almost a year. She did go through several months where she was basically pleading with me for a second chance and I wasn't planning to get back together. She "faced the music" from my family and gave them a chance to air all their anger at her.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

So regarding (e), she sent you a picture of her breasts accidentally that was meant for the OM, AFTER she moved back home? I hope I am misunderstanding that.

And regarding (f): No, therapy is NOT a "consequence" by any means. From what you have said, so far she has not had to deal with any consequences. Pleading with you for a second chance? Well she got that, so it wasn't a consequence.

Was her failing at the school related to her affair? If not, then that's just life. Not a consequence of her affair. Even if it WAS related, it was a choice SHE made, not really a consequence. We all have to be responsible for our choices. 

As for her facing your family, that's just what she should do after the choices she made. Not a consequence.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

I'm not sure what you would consider "consequences" in this context (apart from me filing for divorce).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Learn to live with the fact that you settled. That's basically it. How exactly would you expect something like this go to away? It doesn't, no one says it does. You just learn to live with it. If that is your choice the you might as well get on living. But posting on here like there is some way that you can turn this situation into something it's not isn't going to help you live with it. 

Look you have decided to be with a women who treated you awful. You know this, so you will suffer. This is the way it is. You can't make the circumstances change or her change what she did. 

That is your disconnect you are still trying to make it what it's not. If you stay with this women it will always be you, her and her affair partner. You can post on here or somewhere else and vent, but it's not going to change. This is the life you chose. You have settled for very little. 

By the way sending you topless pictures you while she was with her OM and leaving the condoms in the YOUR drawer, I wouldn't put it past her getting some thrill off of your suffering. Probably makes her feel wanted.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Presuming you weren't virgins when you married, it does go away and becomes about as significant as thinking about her having sex with others before you even met her.

The best way I know to get over it is to make your marriage mutually awesome.

A great marriage really removes any regrets.

It takes time. I'm sure your wife isn't thrilled thinking about what you did with your "friend" either (but since she begged to get you back and she had the first affair, she's not mentioning it - but if you were still married, it's still adultery).

It's been over a year ~~ you don't have to go back and revisit all the little facts and details. Instead focus on the now and make your present and future marriage better by studying and learning how to rebuild a great marriage together.

The best and most productive "consequence" is being an really kind, loving and forgiving husband such that they'll end up kicking themselves over and over again wondering how they ever conceived of the notion of cheating on you. 

I'm recovered over two decades now and my wife and I together, in real life, apply our knowledge, skill and experiences helping other couples confront and overcome these infidelity issues in their marriage. Despite what you read here on TAM, recover/reconciliation happens ALL THE TIME.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

marcangelo said:


> Thanks. a few answers:
> 
> a) Yeah, I do know who he is. She was principal at a new school that was opening and he was a married man working construction on her site. I know his name, have seen him on facebook, etc. I have never interacted with him. I am not aware of any previous affairs, no.


And you told his wife, of course.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

[/quote]



Quality said:


> Presuming you weren't virgins when you married, it does go away and becomes about as significant as thinking about her having sex with others before you even met her.
> 
> The best way I know to get over it is to make your marriage mutually awesome.
> 
> ...


Thanks. This makes sense to me.


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## GavinM (Jan 13, 2014)

Marcangelo, Im sorry you are here and wish you the best. I think the thoughts you are having are pretty normal. Its hard to recover from infidelity in any circumstance and there are always going to be things that act as triggers. 
How is your reconciliation going? Im also currently reconciled after my wife's affair. I understand that ups and the downs, the uncertainty and the insecurities. Its hard. I wish you the best.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

marcangelo said:


> She moved out and continued to see her boyfriend for 5 months. I was tempted to file for divorce (obviously), but felt strongly that it would be worth it to wait and see how things develop. Partly because we have a 3 year old daughter but also because I have valued our relationship so much. We are back together now














marcangelo said:


> Recently I found her lover's old condoms in her drawer while I was looking for socks, and it brought back bad feelings..... The fact that they were "magnum" condoms made me feel uncomfortable


It's too bad his junk makes you so uncomfortable. I bet it made her plenty comfy.



marcangelo said:


> Anyhow, any thoughts would be appreciated.


"She's NOT worth it..." Just repeat those words 1,000 times to yourself. 

Maybe it will stick.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

GavinM said:


> Marcangelo, Im sorry you are here and wish you the best. I think the thoughts you are having are pretty normal. Its hard to recover from infidelity in any circumstance and there are always going to be things that act as triggers.
> How is your reconciliation going? Im also currently reconciled after my wife's affair. I understand that ups and the downs, the uncertainty and the insecurities. Its hard. I wish you the best.


Thanks. Things are going well. We had a good joint counseling session yesterday.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

marcangelo, if you are still finding condoms a year later, and being triggered, take that as a sign of the rest of your life with her. You will never forget what she did, or that she thought OM needed "magnum" condoms. You will be wondering, "Does she think I am a magnum?" No matter how much she reassures you, you will also wonder if she is really means it, or is just saying it to console you.

Now, if you had found the condoms, and thought, "no big deal" and thrown them away without a thought, I'd say you were going to do well in the future. Those condoms triggered you, and you will be experiencing triggers over your wife's affair until death do you part...unless you decide to divorce and give yourself a chance to start anew with someone else.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

^^ It's not about "am I magnum", it's just that the moment triggered feelings of humiliation/anger. We are working on that.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

This thread has led me to seek out more details about the affair, so thank you. Although it's obviously painful I came to see that it was required for true healing. I've learned more from her and also some friends I've checked in with.. Things that are awful and difficult to handle, but not a real shock. 

I'm still committed to the reconciliation-- as long as my wife continues to take concrete steps forward. She knows she has a lot of work to do in the coming months/years. 

She was forthright about certain details and expressed remorse for how she acted. Is taking concrete steps to try to mend what happened such as calling more family and friends to share remorse for specific things she said to them/ how she acted in general. 

Anyhow: 

- she told several people that I used porn "a lot" even though at that point it was only once or twice a month (had been more years earlier)

- she spoke openly with some friends, and her sister, about enjoying sex with OM

- she shared his **** size with her sister and one other friend 

- she was angry with me for various things at the time (mostly unexpressed) and used this anger to justify her actions

says the reason why had the affair was that we weren't having enough sex- she wanted 3-4 times a week and it was often only once. She had brought this up and was a source of some conflict. I have chronic pain, which she knows, so that's been a factor at times. 

we'll see how things progress. I'm still working out how to forgive these actions, and whether it's even wise to do so. I want to keep the process going though.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Disclaimer up front I don't think you should reconcile, she blew up the marriage and that's on her. You have voluntarily put yourself in the option B category

You forgive her and did reconcile so what you need to do now is:

Prepare yourself for when this happens again

Make a plan on how to move forward

Get STD tested asap

You need to have clear transparency in the marriage. Open access to all phones, emails, Facebook accounts so on

She needs to continue therapy and work on her issues that made her cheat

For the most part you are going to have to live the rest of your life as a PI. Don't make kids with her and if you have don't make more. They ultimately pay the biggest price.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

marcangelo said:


> This thread has led me to seek out more details about the affair, so thank you. Although it's obviously painful I came to see that it was required for true healing. I've learned more from her and also some friends I've checked in with.. Things that are awful and difficult to handle, but not a real shock.
> 
> I'm still committed to the reconciliation-- as long as my wife continues to take concrete steps forward. She knows she has a lot of work to do in the coming months/years.
> 
> ...


I would like to propose you as the winner of this years rug sweeper of the year award.I know it's early in the year but you deserve it.Your wife ****s another man for months,goes on vacation with him,tells her friends and family about his huge **** while you get a peck on the cheek from your date.She keeps his king size condoms as a memento of special times never to be forgotten and now that her affair has gone belly up along with her job she is choosing you as fall back boy.But she realises she will have to take concrete steps for you to reconcile with her.You have allready reconciled with her dude and she does not give a **** for you or your meaningless ultimations.You are plan B and will never be plan A.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marcangelo said:


> This thread has led me to seek out more details about the affair, so thank you. Although it's obviously painful I came to see that it was required for true healing. I've learned more from her and also some friends I've checked in with.. Things that are awful and difficult to handle, but not a real shock.
> 
> I'm still committed to the reconciliation-- as long as my wife continues to take concrete steps forward. She knows she has a lot of work to do in the coming months/years.
> 
> ...


So how many of these friends actively (or even passively) encouraged or provided emotional or material support for her affair?

Also, rugsweep much?


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> So how many of these friends actively (or even passively) encouraged or provided emotional or material support for her affair?
> 
> Also, rugsweep much?


I'll make this my last post in this thread. Thanks everyone who shared. It was helpful. I get the harsh reactions and obviously have experienced those feelings/thoughts myself. 

The nature of our reconciliation is that it is a work in progress and that is clear. Concrete steps have been taken, and I expect will continue to be taken. She knows she has a lot of work left to do, over years. This is all established. 

Regarding your comment above, I do think that some of her friends were passively supporting her, even though they privately condemned her behavior. Some did directly to her. 

Re: "swept under the rug" I disagre -- what I'm sharing is that the opposite is happening. More details have come out, painful conversations continuing to happen. I've wanted to know if these transgressions can be forgiven. Obviously I'm still working on that. 

Some of you seem to be reacting too emotionally. I don't need to make these decisions based on wounded pride, but rather on what's possible for the future and the changes/reforms that I see her making. 

Yes, I've spoken about some awful/degrading **** I experienced over 7 months. There's a lot of really wonderful experiences we've had in 13 years, also, that I haven't shared about. There's a big upside here that none of you (apart from 1-2) seem to acknowledge. Awful things can be forgiven under certain circumstances. 

13 years isn't necessarily wiped away by a ****ty stretch of time. I want to continue to see what happens. Eyes wide open. If the reforms don't continue or there's another episode of cheating, I can always move on. I wasn't desperate/depressed when it all happened and I wouldn't be if it happened again. 

It doesn't make sense to back out immediately after more truth comes out. I asked for the truth from her and I can deal with it. I already knew she was behaving badly during those months, as she has acknowledged many times over the last year. Getting more detail about exactly how ****ty she was acting isn't necessarily a deciding factor. It matters, sure. 

Re: "Plan B"... As i've said, she broke up with OM, and was working for months get a second chance with me. Maybe four months. So if that has to happen again, it will. 

Thanks again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marcangelo said:


> I'll make this my last post in this thread. Thanks everyone who shared. It was helpful. I get the harsh reactions and obviously have experienced those feelings/thoughts myself.
> 
> The nature of our reconciliation is that it is a work in progress and that is clear. Concrete steps have been taken, and I expect will continue to be taken. She knows she has a lot of work left to do, over years. This is all established.
> 
> ...


It's taken you (what?) 18 months to get these additional details out of her.

Details that you needed to heal.

Details that you've _avoided_.

So yes, you've been rugsweeping.

There's nothing emotional about pointing at the sky and saying, "Hey, that's blue" or at the grass and saying, "Hey, that's green."

And 18 months later you're finding OM's condoms in your house? I think I'd check the manufacture date on those condoms.

Either way, I question how remorseful your formerly wayward wife could be given that OM's condoms are still laying around.

Or how _formerly_ wayward she really is.

And hey... can't wait to see what you find next week.


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## marcangelo (Mar 9, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> It's taken you (what?) 18 months to get these additional details out of her.
> 
> Details that you needed to heal.
> 
> ...


Do you want an update if things continue to go well? I doubt that. 

If anyone wants to continue on this topic genuinely-- please pm.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I understand that some people walk away this site because it can be hard to take at times, other find it cathartic...it sounds like you are so hell bent to reconcile with your wife that your are willing to swallow a lot of humiliation.....and coming here only makes you question your decision....in the end it's your life but I would tell you this, I would tell her to remove those people that did know and said nothing or helped her keep the secret., you and I both know she wouldn't drop them...and over time she will stop the heavy lifting....I just hope when that happens your strong enough to leave.....she may have come back to you...but don't think for one sec you won the lottery....I don't believe for one moment she is remorseful..good luck.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

marcangelo said:


> *Do you want an update if things continue to go well? I doubt that.
> 
> *If anyone wants to continue on this topic genuinely-- please pm.


 When things turn to crap again we'll welcome you back with open arms.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marcangelo said:


> Do you want an update if things continue to go well? I doubt that.
> 
> If anyone wants to continue on this topic genuinely-- please pm.


We're likely to disagree on what constitutes "going well".

Hell, for that matter, you might disagree w/ the you from last week.

Either way, if you expected that everyone here would just pat you on the back and blindly applaud your efforts at whatever... well, you should've done a bit more reading first. This isn't really the site for that.

But you know what?

Your circus, your monkeys, man.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Disagree on what constitutes!!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Quality said:


> Presuming you weren't virgins when you married, it does go away and becomes about as significant as thinking about her having sex with others before you even met her.
> 
> The best way I know to get over it is to make your marriage mutually awesome.
> 
> ...


Another guy here who has over 2 decades of reconciliation under the belt. 

A lot of those suggesting you take a hard line, come up with all the the things you should demand, insist your wife does all the work, etc, have something in common.

They are divorced. 

Look, you need to be strong in yourself, you need to work on yourself, and you need to deal with the fact of what your wife did. And you don't just roll over and let her treat you like crap. But you don't improve a relationship that is experiencing difficulties by adding more difficulties.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

3-5 years? Well, I'm about to hit 4 and it still hurts. Not as frequently of course but when it hits, it hits hard. And I feel like lashing out. It's gone and then it's there - triggers are everywhere.

I think the worse thing, and I'm older, is that I have lost interest in relationships and sex pretty much.

I'll tell you something. I tried to reconcile a few times but it all failed. The last time was approx a year ago. In a nutshell it got a bit hot and heavy one night and I got spruced up in my room - smelling nice full of expectation, kids asleep etc and waiting with baited breath.

Result - she's a no show for more than half an hour then comes upstairs and lays on the "I'm tired" and "do we have to" routine. I'm so used to knock backs from way back that I laughed. I asked her what happened and she said "I was watching K D Laing". I split.

Don't let happen what I let happen to me - be warned, if you not getting what you want and deserve, get out.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MarcAngelo, you must accept that you have gotten some pretty good advice and "heads-ups" here at TAM (along with all the 2X4's) - some of it based on experience, some on emotion, nearly all based on both.

If you valued what you heard (in general) then you should come back and update.

I for one would like you to come back because we don't like to see too many BS's fail at this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The truth is, you may NEVER be able to get over her affair, even if she does everything 100% right. Some people can, many cannot. I dont think I would ever be able to, not enough to be able to put it fully behind me.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

It's not going to be easy. I'm trying to work through not knowing if my wife had an actual affair or if it was only a text as she says. In all my investigation, I have found nothing that proves things ever got physical and more that proves it never did. But there's still the question that always haunts me, the "what if". We have good days, bad days and strange days, but like you after being together for 15 years and thinking about everything we've done and built together, I don't feel it's worth losing all of that over one big "what if".


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

AtMyEnd said:


> It's not going to be easy. I'm trying to work through not knowing if my wife had an actual affair or if it was only a text as she says. In all my investigation, I have found nothing that proves things ever got physical and more that proves it never did. But there's still the question that always haunts me, the "what if". We have good days, bad days and strange days, but like you after being together for 15 years and thinking about everything we've done and built together, I don't feel it's worth losing all of that over one big "what if".


Atmy end, i know this is not your thread but let me add that last question.....that really is the question that should have been posed to your wife....regardless if they did or did not have a physical affair....what it worth throwing away 15 years together?....have her answer that, because ultimately that is what she did


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Atmy end, i know this is not your thread but let me add that last question.....that really is the question that should have been posed to your wife....regardless if they did or did not have a physical affair....what it worth throwing away 15 years together?....have her answer that, because ultimately that is what she did


There is a little more to my story than just this. She caught me in an EA about 2 years ago. When I was caught I came completely clean and showed her everything. The OW was 1000 miles away and after much discussion she knew things never got physical. Over the past 2 years things have been rough, up and down constantly. I've asked her many times whether she wanted to really work on our marriage or if she did want to just through away 15 years of our lives, our family and everything we've built together because of a few stupid choices that both us have made. Her answer is always the same, right know she just wants to feel comfortable again and peaceful between us and that she won't be able to answer that question until she feels that. And that's still her answer after I saw a text on her phone from OM and confronted her. She says that nothing happened and it was an unsolicited text from a friend, that yes they've flirted in the past but it never went any further than that. She tells me she feels uncomfortable because she feels I'm constantly watching her and everything she does and until she feels that she won't be able to move forward.

It's tough because in the past few weeks I have pulled the 180. She's accused me of spying on her, GPSing her car and even hacking into her phone. Each time I've proven her completely wrong yet she still says she doesn't believe me. I really am at the point of I just need to keep rolling along to just see if things will ever get better. I've told her that I'm not giving up just yet, and that we have too much good history together to just throw it all away over 2 rough years and a few stupid mistakes and that I for one want to do anything and everything to at least try. And although in the last month I have seen signs of her trying, just as things start to look up, they come crashing down again.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
No one can make the decision for you to R or even give you advice that will be 100% guaranteed, life does not come with guarantees. However, based on your W's behavior there can be suppositions and expectations derived. It really will fall to her as to whether or not the R is successful based on the amount of dedication she has for the marriage. She has dealt the marriage a death blow and its recovery will be dependent upon how willing she is to sacrifice of herself to help you, and it, heal. This is a very arduous endeavor she is undertaking and she most probably does not fully understand how difficult it will be.

True R is very rare due to many factors, not the least of which is the WS's propensity to selfishness. It is practically impossible for someone to exhibit that level of self absorption and then display the empathy and giving required to heal a spouse/marriage. Absent an almost complete selflessness, the brunt of the R effort then falls to the BS and ends up being a R in name only, lacking the real substance necessary for the marriage to heal. Only you can determine whether or not your W is displaying this level of contrition and self sacrifice but I can assure you that if she is not, then your R will be a farce and you may well find yourself in this place again having never fully healed from the last occurrence.

She is really the key to this and it is her actions that you must closely monitor for signs of true, heartfelt remorse and an overwhelming desire to rebuild that which she has destroyed. This includes unwavering diligence in her efforts and I must say that the prophylactic incident does not show relentless desire to see that you are not hurt further by her actions or the residue of same but rather seems to indicate a more nonchalant attitude. Careful observance on your part is warranted.

Also, you must remember that therapy can augment a persons change but the person must have more than just a casual desire to be different. It must be something they want and see the need to accomplish more than anything or the therapy will be mostly ineffectual.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> No one can make the decision for you to R or even give you advice that will be 100% guaranteed, life does not come with guarantees. However, based on your W's behavior there can be suppositions and expectations derived. It really will fall to her as to whether or not the R is successful based on the amount of dedication she has for the marriage. She has dealt the marriage a death blow and its recovery will be dependent upon how willing she is to sacrifice of herself to help you, and it, heal. This is a very arduous endeavor she is undertaking and she most probably does not fully understand how difficult it will be.
> 
> True R is very rare due to many factors, not the least of which is the WS's propensity to selfishness. It is practically impossible for someone to exhibit that level of self absorption and then display the empathy and giving required to heal a spouse/marriage. Absent an almost complete selflessness, the brunt of the R effort then falls to the BS and ends up being a R in name only, lacking the real substance necessary for the marriage to heal. Only you can determine whether or not your W is displaying this level of contrition and self sacrifice but I can assure you that if she is not, then your R will be a farce and you may well find yourself in this place again having never fully healed from the last occurrence.
> ...


Maybe your reconciliation was different from mine, but I have a very different view of how it should work.

I agree that reconciliation is an individual decision. It's tough and only you can know if your heart is in it.

I'm not sure it's rare. Good numbers are hard to come by but I reckon it's probably something like 30% of marriages that reconcile. (I've seen lower and higher numbers).

As for it being totally on the wayward to make it work, I could not disagree more. It can't succeed unless both parties are all in. But the wayward is either someone who has nobreal commitment to fidelity (in which case reconciliation is impossible) or someone who made a bad choice at a point in time (in which case they probably have issues to deal with). Either way, they are going to need help and support. 

The betrayed might want the wayward to do more, but I don't see it happening.


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