# Insecure in Bed



## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. He was my first at just about everything. We have a little girl together. I love them both with all my heart. Happy ending right? ...Not exactly. He's started working nights to make ends meet. With a baby, one of us is always up at the crack of dawn with her (usually me) so the other can sleep. We don't get a lot of 'us' time. I expected all that.

What I didn't expect was the sourness. I'm a big girl, so I don't exactly feel comfortable bearing myself to the bedroom. When we were 'in the mood' I wouldn't take off everything. My size also limits positions. I'm always cautious since he's skinnier than me and I always feel like I'm going to hurt him.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't know what to do for him anymore. He's into lingerie, but I'm just not comfortable with trying to be sexy. He respects my space and needs, but I can tell he's wishing for more. I just don't know what to do anymore and I feel like I shouldn't even touch him. Most of the time I just huddle up on the edge of the bed facing away from him.

I've lost 70lbs since having my daughter, including about 40lbs of pre-eclampsia water-weight but I'm still too big. How do I surprise him but still keep my dignity so neither one of us is embarrassed?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So why did he marry someone like you????

Oh, I know... because he loved you. Get into bed and reach over to him and embrace him and tell him you love him. if he loves you (and you didn't give any indication that he doesn't), he'll tell you he loves you, too.

If he's wishing for more, give him more. He's obviously comfortable with you, show it back to him.

Congrats on the weight loss. Keep working on it. He notices.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Congrats on losing 70lbs! 

I don't know why you would be uncomfortable in bed around your husband - he obviously loves you and wants to be with you  And it sounds like you really want to be with him but just are unsure of yourself. If you're into books, two that I would recommend are "The Sexually Confident Wife" and "Sheet Music".


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm bigger myself....just get over it. Trust me...if he wasn't content with your body, he wouldn't be coming to you, wanting you. Enjoy it that he loves you and wants you...revel in it. Every time you feel insecure, remind yourself he wouldn't want you if you weren't hot to him. It'll take time for it to come naturally to you, but you'll get there.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

While I appreciate the input, I meant more along the lines of 'I don't know how to sexually thrill him because the things that he says would work for him I'm either too big to do comfortably, or just wrap my mind around doing.' He got me 'an outfit' when we first got married, but I was so ashamed that I only wore it once before donating it to Goodwill. And the whole time I was wearing it I couldn't look him in the face.
Mostly I just hide my face in the pillow and wait for him to finish. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me or if I've just been de-sensitized to the whole experience from being prematurely exposed to porn. (my step father has an issue with it and I first caught him at it when I was 11. Ever since then it seems like a disgusting thing to me and I could never see myself in any of those positions you'd see in the videos.)


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Oh, honey...I know what you're talking about now. Sorry. 

I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. I was so afraid he would judge me, I was so uptight because of my ex and our sex issues, that I couldn't open up. We were in bed one night, and he reminded me of a night back before we ever got together when he was very, very honest with me and asked me "Do you think I would have told you that if I was going to judge you?" He then asked me what was something I always wanted to try but was afraid I couldn't have...I told him, and he gave it to me. That was when I realized that he truly loved me, truly wanted me, and that I could trust him with absolutely anything. 

Why don't you, the next time you two are lying in bed in the dark, reach out and take his hand and ask him to tell you something he'd really like you to do. If it doesn't totally freak you out and make you instantly recoil, give it a try...in the dark. Starting in the dark will help, because you can't really see each other, so you won't have to worry about whether he's looking at you weird or anything like that. Gradually work your way up to more, and to having lights on, if you want. 

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. Look at it this way...even if there is some laughter, it's not *at* you...it's at the humor of the situation. Laugh with him. Sex doesn't always have to be some serious, sensual, sexy thing...sometimes it can be a fun, funny thing.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

breeze said:


> The facts are: a marriage needs sexual fulfillment and affection. If you start withholding these, you are going to drive a rift between you both.
> 
> He needs you to be open and loving with him, in your actions. You have to step up. This is what love is about.


I understand this. That's why I need to know. I don't want to hold anything back from him, but I've always been very self-conscious (being told by various family members that I'd be really pretty... if I lost the weight) I'm not sure how to step up, without embarrassing myself, which will only make me withhold everything.

I've been to therapists for my genetic depression and my giant brick wall holding a lot of me back... but somehow marital sex is a lot harder then that. I don't want things to go stale between us, but being so limited until I lose the weight (yes I'm very focused on that) makes me hesitant to try anything new to spice things up...

What are some new ways for me to be romantic to him so he knows I'm still interested... without always reverting to sex?? (I might need a guy's input here.)


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## mrszeus (Jul 13, 2010)

Eli_Erdwell said:


> I understand this. That's why I need to know. I don't want to hold anything back from him, but I've always been very self-conscious (being told by various family members that I'd be really pretty... if I lost the weight) I'm not sure how to step up, without embarrassing myself, which will only make me withhold everything.


This is your battle, your fight to win. I was bigger before and couldn't understand why my husband wanted to be with me or have sex with me. Then I realized - if he gained 50 pounds, lost all his hair, teeth... he'd still be the same person I married and wanted to be with. It's the same thing.

One thing I did (before I lost weight) was to listen to him, and do what he liked to do in bed. I tried to forget about my body issues and concentrate on him. It took a while, but I did it. I stopped thinking about my love handles, big butt, big breasts and let myself enjoy our "us" time. 

You already did a great job losing 70lbs. I lost "only" 55  If you don't feel good in your own skin, try to reach your healthy weight, but only for yourself. Not because family members think you'd be prettier, not because you'd be able to fit into size 6 clothes. Do it for yourself, for your health.

Until then, try to do what I did - relax, remember that he loves you and your body, and that's the only thing that matters. What's exactly your problem with wearing lingerie? There are lots of sexy, but "supporting" lingerie for bigger ladies that will make your man happy, and you not embarrassed. Try that. A glass of wine (one glass, not 2,3 or 4!) might help you relax more.

Good luck


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## Asmarino (Aug 20, 2010)

:iagree:

what the members said is true. Believe in yourself and don't be reserved.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Asmarino said:


> :iagree:
> 
> what the members said is true. Believe in yourself and don't be reserved.


:iagree:

Be happy with what you have. Just think of all those people who might be worse off than you physically and you being overweight isn't that big of a deal. At least you can work on losing weight, if you can't walk or see or hear, not much they can do to help themselves. And alot of those people live a happier life because they don't get caught up in all these little insecurities that many people make into such a big deal.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

I wish so badly that I could help you could change your view of yourself, but only you can do that. As everyone said, your husband married YOU for YOU. And he still wants to have sex with you, right? He doesn't care about your weight. Would you care if he gained 50lbs? Would you be less in love with him then? I suspect not...

There are tons -- and I mean TONS -- of men out there (my husband being one) who love the beauty of the truly curvy female form. Extra lumps, bumps, rolls and all. Skinny waifs? Forget it -- they're not just interested in supermodels. They want a fleshy, round, warm, soft woman! I'm betting your husband is one of these men.

I know some positions may be hard, but don't discount them before you try them. He'll let you know if you're "hurting" him, just as you should let him know if something is uncomfortable for you. From lying down to sitting to standing, you may just have to be a bit adventurous...and expect to laugh along the way. Sex isn't like romance novels -- it's fun, funny, awkward, strange... and that's OK. Eventually you'll find something that feels good and then you can keep doing that!

Have you talked to your husband about your self-image and discomfort with you body? Maybe one night you can let him touch you and feel your body -- every inch of it -- so that you can get used to having him "accept" you and love your body for what it is. Even if it's dark in the room, this might help. Maybe you can then start to love your body too. I'm not saying you can't work on being healthier, or even skinnier if you want to. But for now, try to find a way to at least feel feminine and warm, instead of something you want to "hide" in a pillow from. Without getting to graphic, how about self-touch? How about positive self-talk about your body? Both of these things can help you to find a renewed acceptance for who you are right now.

In the meantime, how about buying some sexy, romantic things just for you -- in whatever size you are? It's amazing how a soft, silky nighty (whether revealing or not) can make you feel when compared to a pair of sweat pants or a bulky "mom" robe. It may take some time, but you CAN feel sexy about yourself, regardless of your size. Been there, done that!

Curvy Girls Unite! :smthumbup:


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

Honey I can totally relate to you. I have been large all my life. When hubby and I married, I was a 16. After 14 yrs and two kids I am now larger than I was with either pregnancy. It has caused me a lot of depression and self image issues, but I found a place that helped me to feel a little sexier and helped me indulge hubby with some excitement....Plus Size Lingerie Bras Corsets Panties Garter Belts - Hips & Curves (I hope that is ok to post in here). Anyway, this place actually has what I call real women lingerie with real women models. I was doubtful about it all at first. Scared to look foolish due to my size, but I knew my husband loved me and I wanted to please him just as he pleased me. I bought one thing at first and just thought I would see how it goes. The first time I wore it, I kept it covered with a housecoat and just talked to my H. He asked to see it and I finally got the nerve up to show him. He loved it. He complimented me over and over.... and over-lol. Now that is one way I help myself out of a slump. I indulge every now and again in a new selection and let him judge me. It helped me to hear his praise and it helped him. He stated that he appreciated me trying to spice things up. 

I don't know if it would be of any help to you, but it may be worth a try. I am still battling my weight issues and probably always will, but we have to find those things in life that we enjoy and that make us feel special. I think with the way you say your husband feels about you, that this may be a good way to boost your self esteem as it did me. 

Just a suggestion and good luck....


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

See the lingerie was always a problem for me. I've spent most of my life making myself into a tom-boy as a defense to people calling me bad names. I just sorta sunk into not caring to try looking pretty cuz I never felt like it did any good.

Now that I have him, I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I want to be pretty for him, but trying to make myself attractive just makes me feel stupid. I can't imagine myself in lingerie now. I'm working on losing the weight still and I'm about 90lbs from my end goal weight, which I hope to lose over the winter. It's not curves that bother me. It's my body being to heavy for me. And therefore making me uncomfortable... literally. Back pains, posture issues, holding my arms out from my sides is it's own exercise. That sort of thing.

I know that after I've gotten to a comfortable weight, I won't be so worried about trying to look pretty because I'LL believe it. But he tells me almost every day that he loves me and/or thinks I'm beautiful. But I just don't see it yet. I'm working on changing that for myself. In the meantime, I'm just making sure I won't lose him because of not being sexually adventurous.


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## kaladarr (Sep 17, 2010)

Hi Eli,
I am 39 year old married man.
I read your story,and as with many of the members here,wish you all positivity and good fortune.
Much that has already been said is , and are the answers to what your going through IMO.
Though I did want to add to it some.
No matter what we "know", such as where or why we have some insecurities or personality traits, if we do not simply jump in and do it, all the know how is for nothing. 
These perspectives and attitudes toward yourself image, sex and marriage were for not formed over night. So it will take one moment at a time to realize in your own heart and mind that you can be whatever you set your goal to be. Whatever your desires for yourself may be.
Stepping out of your comfort zone a little at a time is probably the best and most easy way to get started.
Others have said, try lingerie, touching, and different positions.
Give the "new" trials at different behavior a chance.Then go ahead and comfortably chat with your significant other.
After time, your views will be quite different than they are currently. 
And just to add my two cents, I love a plus size women versus a skinny rail or even an average woman.
My wife for instance is 4 foot 10 inches tall , and about 150 or so, very curvy and she gets me going very well.
Try some little steps, it will feel weird, and do not get down on yourself if some of the changes do not work at first. Just "try" and give it some time.
I hope this helps and makes sense.
Be happy , take care.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

I guess it's good to know that plus size girls get love too  And you're right. My opinion of myself didn't happen overnight. Years of people telling me there was something wrong with me, particularly my family. Even my mother rags on me for my size now and then, saying I'm an embarrassment as her daughter and I screwed up by not taking care of myself and am therefore an ugly person inside and out. 

My husband is the first person who's ever loved me unconditionally. That's why I want so much to show him I love him too, and that leads to sex more often then not. I weigh about 245 right now, standing at 5.5", and am working as hard as I can (without otherwise jeopordizing my health) to drop another 80lbs or so. It's all about feeling healthy for myself and being comfortable with myself. And I'm slightly conditioned to believe that I'll be most comfortable without all these back pains and muscle pains. 

I just hope I can, brick by brick, take down that guarded wall I've built from years of ridicule. I know I'll still be curvy when I'm comfortable, so it's good to know supermodel skinny isn't as in as the media tells us it is.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Some men love curvy full-figured women! I did not know this, until I was in a restaurant with a very big relative, and the waiter started flirting with her like crazy, ignoring me who has a trim athletic body. He was following us out the door, chatting her up.

I have seen large women with trim men, and I realize the trim men love the fuller women! I bet there is porn of big women for those men. You H does not want a skinny girl. 

Our society puts too much emphasis on being thin. Emaciated models without any rounded stomach, for example, is not natural at all. Look at older paintings - the women are more curvy. 

I have to admit, hugging a big women is more comforting and pleasing than hugging a skinny woman, esp. if her bones protrude, horrible.

I once heard a guy call Dr. Laura - he was into big women. I can't remember why he called.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

I am from the south so it may just be the regional selection, but I know that I never had any problems finding someone who liked my size. I have been in plus size clothing since I was in middle school. Now I have been with H for 14 yrs, but I had numerous relationships prior to him and they all loved my size. I am 5'6" and stay around a size 18-20. 

One thing my husband has always said when watching tv or adult movies is that he doesn't see how guys can want a girl where (his saying not mine) a woman so small that he can see himself moving in and out of her. Now one thing about me though... I have always liked smaller guys. My H is only 5'8" and weight about 150. My other relationships were all around that size as well. I don't know why media and society plays up the skinny woman the way they do. I know that I get down on myself quite a bit due to that crap, but then all it takes is for my husband to pay me a compliment and I know it's all in my head. 

I hope it works out for you and you find something or someway to help you get over your perception issues. Just understand that you are not alone and there are millions of women out there going through much of the same issue that you are. I know I have. But the main point is you have a man who loves you for who you are and not what you look like. If you want to look better for yourself..GREAT if you are happy with who you are, then I am sure your husband would be fine with that as well. My husband has seen me go up and down in weight anywhere from +/- 30lbs during non-pregnancy times and he has always admired my body regardless. I love him for that and you will get here too. 

Good luck.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Well, another perspective for you... From a woman that used to be heavier (size 18) and out of shape, and is now small'ish (size 6-8), and very fit... If your husband isn't into you, you can't get him there by losing weight. I also believe the opposite is true, and it rings through your posts! I tried to match weight with attraction - losing weight was hard as hell. Took me a year, and the fitness thing is ongoing. But, he was never into me sexually after I had kids. I blamed myself. My size. My rolls. Jeez, the list goes on. My weight had crept up over 10 years of marriage, so I figured I could get the early days back if I got my looks back. However, it was not nearly that simple. I think women are too hard on themselves about weight... Men, it doesn't seem, judge like we do.

I read your story, and I'm thinking JUMP HIM! HAVE FUN! Besides, sex is great exercise! Lucky you, I tell ya. Lucky you. Do all the stuff suggested above. And, importantly, do something that excites you. I think your excitement will excite him.  (can you hear my jealousy?!!?) Have fun, hun.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

You say that he loves you unconditionally. Let him know continually that you know this. Some guys actually don't fit the societal mode of going for just small women. These guys, and possibly your husband, could secretly fear that your avoidance is because you don't really trust him. My suggestion is communicate, communicate and do it again.

Also, keep in mind that confidence is a much larger turn on than looks to many guys. He's probably flattered that you are working hard to lose the weight, but would rather you just accept that he loves you, and only lose it for yourself.

My wife and I are going through a difficult time now. She has serious insecurity issues. When we've discussed divorce, she'll say 'you just want a younger, slimmer wife." This really hurts.

Point is, if I divorced and married again, it would be for the soul underneath.

BTW - Sorry for stepping into the ladies lounge, but you asked for insight from a guy. Wow, it's nicer in here than the guys room!


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