# Am I wasting my time



## BoltToBolt (May 9, 2014)

We've been married just under a year.
I am aware that I can be insecure and needy.
I want the relationship to work.
I think she does too. But I am not sure she wants more than a roommate and provider.
We fight using hurtful words a bunch but seem to come back to a good place within 24 hours.
Thing is I am not sure I should keep working at it cause I don't get any return. 
Example 1: I am traveling. I call her to speak with her when she knew I would be calling. Shortly after I am on the phone instead of engaging in our conversation she knocks on her daughters door and asks if she wants dinner and then proceeds to talk to me while she makes dinner. I felt like telling her that it felt like talking to me was a distraction. The conversation was very short cause we had nothing to talk about. I assume she is happy I'm traveling cause it gives her a break from me.
Example 2: every time we have sex when we are done she makes no comments and wants to turn over and go to bed. (yes I take care of her and outside of the bedroom I have asked her if she is satisfied and she says yes that she just cant do the whole intimacy thing afterwards) (there is a history there that influences this) I miss that and yes, I knew what I was getting into when I asked her to marry me.

There are some good things. We do many things together (although they must be scheduled around her daughters needs not mine) and when we are doing things together we are awesome. And recently she told me I was her best friend.

Am I wrong to want that closeness and if we have nothing to talk about already and she isn't willing to make our relationship a priority is it even worth continuing to try? Its like she doesn't consider me - but ion reality she does, just not in the way or to the extent I want her to. Ugh


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BoltToBolt said:


> We've been married just under a year.


How long did you know her before you married her?

How old is her daughter?


BoltToBolt said:


> I am aware that I can be insecure and needy.


Can you get into counseling to help you handle this? Or maybe find some good self-help books on the topic.


BoltToBolt said:


> I want the relationship to work.


good


BoltToBolt said:


> I think she does too. But I am not sure she wants more than a roommate and provider.


How many hours a week do you two spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things? 


BoltToBolt said:


> We fight using hurtful words a bunch but seem to come back to a good place within 24 hours.


This is fairly easy to fix. Just stop fighting. Tell her that you will no longer fight like this with her because you feel that you are hurting each other saying things that the two of you do not really mean. But once they are said they cannot be taken back. So from now on, when things start to go towards a fight you will say “STOP” and then you will go somewhere like another room or for a walk to calm down. She can take this time to calm down. Then the two of you can talk later after you have more control of yourselves. 
Then do it every time things escalate…. say “STOP” and get away from her until the anger is subsided.


BoltToBolt said:


> Thing is I am not sure I should keep working at it cause I don't get any return.


Get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Read them with her (we read them aloud to each other taking turns with who read each chapter). Do the work the books suggest. Give it this try. If it does not work then you know that there is not much you can do to get your needs met in this relationship. Do remember that in a marriage, each partner’s goal is to make sure that the other gets what they need and want. Are you making sure that she is getting what she needs and wants?


BoltToBolt said:


> Example 1: I am traveling. I call her to speak with her when she knew I would be calling. Shortly after I am on the phone instead of engaging in our conversation she knocks on her daughters door and asks if she wants dinner and then proceeds to talk to me while she makes dinner. I felt like telling her that it felt like talking to me was a distraction.


So you call her at the very time when she has to make her daughter’s dinner and then you get upset because she has to make her daughter’s dinner? Sounds like you are subconsciously setting yourself up for disappointment. When my husband used to travel he set a phone date (like a real date) for every night after the kids were fed, homework done, etc. That way we knew that I would not be interrupted by the kids and we could have a long time to talk. Try that.


BoltToBolt said:


> The conversation was very short cause we had nothing to talk about. I assume she is happy I'm traveling cause it gives her a break from me.


If the conversation was short, you need to find things to talk about. What interests her? Talk about the news of the day. Ask her how her days was. Search on line for ‘conversation starters’. There are tons of sites that have ideas of questions you can ask and things you can start with.
We have a game in my family… we call it 1000 questions. We have a bunch of conversation starter books. So the way we play the game is that one person asks a question from the book and everyone has to answer it in turn. Then the next person asks another question and every one answers. My kids love it. I have done with my husband when we had nothing to talk about.. it gets using talking. 



BoltToBolt said:


> Example 2: every time we have sex when we are done she makes no comments and wants to turn over and go to bed. (yes I take care of her and outside of the bedroom I have asked her if she is satisfied and she says yes that she just cant do the whole intimacy thing afterwards) (there is a history there that influences this) I miss that and yes, I knew what I was getting into when I asked her to marry me.


I’m not sure what you can do about the intimacy thing after. Would she let you spoon with her?


BoltToBolt said:


> There are some good things. We do many things together (although they must be scheduled around her daughters needs not mine) and when we are doing things together we are awesome. And recently she told me I was her best friend.


You married a woman with a child. She has to take care of her child. What time does the child go to bed at night? After bedtime should be your time. Is there someone who can watch her daughter so that the two of you can go out on dates?


BoltToBolt said:


> Am I wrong to want that closeness and if we have nothing to talk about already and she isn't willing to make our relationship a priority is it even worth continuing to try? Its like she doesn't consider me - but ion reality she does, just not in the way or to the extent I want her to. Ugh


You need to define what you want from her. 

What do you want her to do with you? When do you want her to do these things?


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

BoltToBolt said:


> We've been married just under a year.
> I am aware that I can be insecure and needy.
> I want the relationship to work.
> I think she does too. But I am not sure she wants more than a roommate and provider.
> ...


I think you have a lot of good things going for you in this marriage. You do many things together and are happy doing them together. 

When my boyfriend calls me, sometimes I am doing multiple things while talking to him too but he's okay with that and I think he's awesome for not complaining. Your wife is a busy mother. She's cooking while talking. I don't see anything wrong with that.

My boyfriend and I don't really talk much after sex either. We just go to sleep. In fact, I think our natural chemistry makes us prone to sleep after sex and we are happy and relaxed. I don't see anything wrong with what she is doing.

I think you need to stop insulting each other during fights though and learn to mince your words.


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## skinamarink (May 5, 2014)

Stop fighting. Converse, instead. Don't do the blame-game and never call each other names. 

Fighting can lead to a lack of intimacy and negative comments you make about her will ring in her ears long after you've said them. 

She might engage in intimate acts with you but remain emotionally and physically distant for fear of letting you close to her heart. She doesn't want to get hurt again. (Just a guess)


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## BoltToBolt (May 9, 2014)

Her daughter is 18.
I am working on my issues and she knows it.
We walk every other day for about an hour except when she doesn’t come home because she picks her daughter up from school and they do something together. Then every weekend the 3 of us do something on Saturday and Sunday. I also find it weird that when we do meet to do something if there are two cars she always drives home with daughter and I drive home alone.
Again, good advice on the fighting issue. I must admit she is more mature than when it comes to relationships and while she says some hurtful stuff I am the one that would have a hard time leaving the room and not pushing the issue – I’ll try harder.
As for the phone call, I don’t think it’s me. This trip, every time I call she is distracted. You wrote, “Subconsciously setting yourself up for disappointment.” While that’s true cause I look for the negative it sometimes seems like I’m looking for her to fail us the truth is she doesn’t express affection or caring. I’ll try the book.
No spooning. The intimacy thing is big. It’s not me and I remind myself that I knew this when we got married I just hoped it would get better. It’s gotten worse.
I need to define what I want is so true. But I need to make sure my needs are reasonable also and Im nit sure they are.
Anyhow thanks again for some great replies.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

If she doesn't want to cuddle after sex due to something that happened to her in the past then I wouldn't take this so personally. Can you cuddle and snuggle at other times, maybe while watching a movie? Have you offered giving her a massage? A full body massage with some nice oil always makes me swoon for my husband...
In regards to the working away, do you have a webcam and access to skype? I did the long distance thing with my ex several years ago, before the days of skype. Skype is a great way to hang out without actually being in the same place together. You can see what the other is doing, chat, but still be productive and get things done. You could even have dinner with her and the kids via skype, if you wanted to.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

BoltToBolt said:


> Example 1: I am traveling. I call her to speak with her when she knew I would be calling. Shortly after I am on the phone instead of engaging in our conversation she knocks on her daughters door and asks if she wants dinner and then proceeds to talk to me while she makes dinner.


Don't call around dinner time. Better yet, don't call her at all.



BoltToBolt said:


> I felt like telling her that it felt like talking to me was a distraction.


Man up and speak your mind. Then stop calling her. 



BoltToBolt said:


> The conversation was very short cause we had nothing to talk about.


She doesn't like to talk on the telephone with you. As a guy I freaking hate talking on the telephone. It's my understanding that most guys hate talking on the telephone. We seem to have role reversal here.



BoltToBolt said:


> every time we have sex when we are done she makes no comments and wants to turn over and go to bed.


Nothing I like better after sex than to roll over and go to bed. Women like to cuddle. Guys like to sleep. Again we've got this unusual male/female role reversal thing going on here. 



BoltToBolt said:


> I am aware that I can be insecure and needy.


It's written all over your posts. It's a big turnoff to a partner. It's almost like she's playing the role of the man and you're playing the part of the woman. 

Man-up and be tough. Stop calling her. Give her some hard, fast, mind blowing sex and then roll over and go to sleep. 

Let her come to you.

To add: stop fighting and using hurtful words. They leave marks. Remember you're the one who seems to be fighting an uphill battle here so you're the one who is going to have to facilitate change. Start by shutting your mouth when you're mad. Take the high road. Watch how things start to turn around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She does not seem to like to talk on the phone.

Does she have hearing loss?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OP, you hit the nail on the head in your first post: you are her beta-provider male, not really somebody she gets hot for. Is this your first marriage?


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> OP, you hit the nail on the head in your first post: you are her beta-provider male, not really somebody she gets hot for


Yeah, this. But the good thing is you recognise it and you can actively start doing something right now. To answer the question posed at the start of this thread "Are you wasting your time?" - No.. only if you don't act would you be wasting your time. Regardless of what happens in this relationship, you can start now to become the self confident man you can be; secure in yourself and happy because you're yourself. 
Lots of good advice above and everything is easier said than done as I'm realising in my own situation. 
The past issues that may be affecting the intimacy after sex may need to be handled with delicacy, understanding and above all, patience. I'm sure you take time to communicate and talk on a level about this. Having a degree of empathy over the situation helps you both and when that level of respect is there, the arguments and hurtful words just don't happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Is she emotionally unavailable? You say she doesn't talk.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If her daughter is 18 it is odd that she goes everywhere with you and your wife leaves you to drive home alone.

I've got a friend who has an 18 year old daughter, and she went with her mum and stepdad on holiday where they were renewing their wedding vows! I thought at the time that was weird.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

This sounds very similar to a situation I was in. 

Several year before my X and I were married she had made a casual remark that she never intended to marry again and that all she wanted to do was finish raising her daughter, work the job she was in, and wait for her daughter to bring her grandchildren (missed that red flag). In less than a year of marriage events unfolded that brought me back to what my X had said a few years earlier and I realized that I was regarded as a husband in name only, everything revolved primarily around her daughter then after her daughter was married it was all about her daughter and grandchildren.

There is a hierarchy of relationships, a pyramid if you will. My X, her daughter and grandchildren filled the top spot and my X's need for affection and attention were fulfilled by them hence very infrequent sex and no spontaneous acts of affection or intimacy on any level. I floated somewhere out on the periphery several rungs down. After a couple years of marriage it was like living with my sister or having a boarder in the house. She was quite content with the environment but to me it was just empty.


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