# Seems so unfair



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the legal system? But is it tho??
I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded. 
At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.


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## Mr.Married

The man is not part of your marriage, however your wife is. She made a choice. Your anger is misdirected.

Edit: Your angry at the man as a natural protection mechanism in your mind. If you can make yourself blame the other man then you don’t have to face the fact that your wife did in fact chose to fuk another man.


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## DudeInProgress

1. Your situation sucks, I’m sorry you’re here. I can only imagine the level of devastation you’re feeling from a full blown betrayal.
2. The other man is not the problem, your wife is the problem. She betrayed you, not the OM.
3. If you’re struggling with the the “unfairness” of your situation, you need to do some work on yourself. 
Life is unfair, the universe is unfair, relationships are unfair, your marriage is unfair, and you already know that. 
The only thing within your control is what are you going to do about it and how are you going to operate to maximize your outcomes in an imperfect, unfair world.

So take a brief pity party, and then get your **** together, formulate a plan and start taking aggressive action in your own best interests.


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## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the legal system? But is it tho??
> I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
> Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded.
> At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.


@CursiveWritingOnTheWall You're in good company here. Most of us have been exactly where you are. Feel free to vent, shout, complain, whatever. It helps to write things out, at least for some.

How long were you married?
Do you have kids?
Are you in the divorce process now?


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## moon7

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the qlegal system? But is it tho??
> I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
> Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded.
> At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.


NWO is up to destroy families, so of course lobbying to create laws that fvck up families, make the families unstable by breaking the father or the mother, protect whoever destroy marriages are in their interest. The same laws aproved in many different countries, the judges deciding similarly in the same countries, when you start researching some of those judges you find pictures of the in conferences of soros foundations, for example, you see the twitters they follow too. So the problem is both legislative and judiciary (and in the US now its even the high executive). Not to mention propaganda in tv, music, even some "churches" encouragement for dubious actions. Im sorry, OP. Its a very unfair battle.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Yes, 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Married 12 years.
Ya know, it's exactly what you're saying also...im on a pity pot...I know this. It's not so much of the feeling of "what ever shall I do" but a feeling of "what the hell did I do wrong" 
I'm angry, I'm the most emotional I've ever been. I'm a manly man, and I'm witnessing a side to myself that I've never seen before. Then of course there is the "what am I going to do, at age 44?" I can't keep lying to you all and say that I don't feel that way. I'm a space brain right now, I loved her, I still love her, I loved the idea of us, and our family. 
It hurts soooo damn bad knowing and thinking that she loves another man, or maybe it's lust, and that hurts just as bad.
I run these images through my head over and over like little movies of the two of them, and how they may have done certain positions in their moments, and then I wonder how long he lasted for, and what the expressions were on her face...honestly I don't know if talking about this helps. 
I've never been an addict of any sort, but the temptation of an escape crosses my mind often lately. 
I've left the house, knowing that the 3 of them need it more then I do, but also angry about this too. It's hard for me to be there at all now anyways, from what went on there while I was away working.


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## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Yes, 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Married 12 years.
> Ya know, it's exactly what you're saying also...im on a pity pot...I know this. It's not so much of the feeling of "what ever shall I do" but a feeling of "what the hell did I do wrong"
> I'm angry, I'm the most emotional I've ever been. I'm a manly man, and I'm witnessing a side to myself that I've never seen before. Then of course there is the "what am I going to do, at age 44?" I can't keep lying to you all and say that I don't feel that way. I'm a space brain right now, I loved her, I still love her, I loved the idea of us, and our family.
> It hurts soooo damn bad knowing and thinking that she loves another man, or maybe it's lust, and that hurts just as bad.
> I run these images through my head over and over like little movies of the two of them, and how they may have done certain positions in their moments, and then I wonder how long he lasted for, and what the expressions were on her face...honestly I don't know if talking about this helps.
> I've never been an addict of any sort, but the temptation of an escape crosses my mind often lately.
> I've left the house, knowing that the 3 of them need it more then I do, but also angry about this too. It's hard for me to be there at all now anyways, from what went on there while I was away working.


Couple of things... 

First, cheating is choice that broken people make. You didn't have to do _ANYTHING_ wrong and she would still make that choice. Problems inside the marriage can be shared and fixed inside the marriage. But once she stepped outside...that changes everything. And it was her choice to do that. Why did she make that choice? because she wanted too. That's all you need to know. She wanted to do it, so she did. You had no part of that.

Second thing... is your lawyer up to speed on you leaving the house? That's normally a no no or you will be accused of abandonment. Better check that, you don't want more pain to come from this.


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## Benbutton

Make sure you stay with the kids in that house, you don't want to leave the house as beyondrepair007 already stated. A few things:

1. I know it sucks, been there, but you must take your time and remain civil. You dont have to do anything yet. 

2. Speak with an attorney for advice. Know what your options are.

3. Seek professional therapy. What you're going through is traumatic, you need help. Lean on family members/friends for support.

4. Dont worry about what you may or may not have done. Its not important right now.

5. Don't fight for her, she did this to you. Protect yourself - carry a var or phone with you so interactions can be recorded just in case. Also get tested for std's.

just a few things to think about, more ideas from other posters will be on the way.

Oh and lastly, have you confronted her?


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

But why?? She made this choice, but why? Was I not good enough? The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
This is what I don't get here...what the hell does this guy have that I don't? I can guarantee that he's no more well endowed then I am. He seems smart and funny, and witty, but I am also. I try at everything I accomplish, including being a dad, and not just a father. I could have sworn I was a good husband, and a good lay for that matter...so what, what is it? Did she just want sex? From someone else? Is she in love with him? 
Yes she was the one who did it, and she made the choice. He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this. These words are coming from someone else, I don't feel like me. I don't know if I'll ever be me. 
Time heals wounds right?? I need a fast forward button, or Adam Sandlers remote control


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## Openminded

I realize you want answers — everyone who’s cheated on does — but you are never going to know why. That’s part of what makes it so difficult to reconcile (for those who try). My exH cheated because he wanted to. Same goes for your wife. Definitely not fair but it’s reality so start rebuilding your life. That’s something you control.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I found them in the act, wasn't a need to confront anyone. I got home early from work, went to walk the outside trash can to the back gate, and to the alley way dumpster, and there was a truck parked behind my house. Didn't think anything of it at first, but then noticed that all the curtains were drawn and blinds were shut tight. I opened my back door expecting to see her napping on our couch, or maybe showering. I heard them, her moaning like it was her first time, the sound of skin slapping, and MY BED creeking...my heart sank, and it hasn't stopped yet. I lost my S*** and ran in to the bedroom, he had her bent over, both completely naked. I put him in choke hold, and brought him down on top of me. I wanted to kill him. In my mind I was waiting for her to exclaim rape or something. Instead she started to yell at me, hitting me saying over and over to let him go because I was hurting him...I looked at her and my eyes felt like they sunk down with my heart, and my body slowly just let him go. I laid there for about 2 minutes, while they both quickly ran to the living room. I heard the back door shut, and her walking back to the bedroom. She came in and said "Well now you know, I'm sorry"


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## TexasMom1216

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Was I not good enough?


Yes, you were. SHE isn't good enough for you.


CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.


No. She is the failure, not you. 


CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> what the hell does this guy have that I don't?


Nothing. He IS nothing. He's a dog in heat, just like her, and you're better than all of this.

I'm so sorry. This is so wrong and you don't deserve any of this. Please do get tested for STDs.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I haven't spoken with an attorney yet, I've been working a lot until now, realizing that it's Friday, and I get to be all by myself, thinking to myself. She offered to take the kids and go to her mom's while I grab some things at the house over the weekend. 
It smells different, looks different, feels broken and empty. These things that I keep gathering up, just seem like meaningless items. They used to mean something to her too. How could these things that belong to me, these personal items, that represented me, and us...not mean anything anymore? I'm sure they still do to my children. I'll keep them for that reason. 
I have a consultation on Monday with a family law attorney. It feels wrong.


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## Prodigal

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful.


The courts are already overwhelmed. Gone are the days of having grounds for divorce such as adultery. Basically, the courts just go with irreconcilable differences. Some states only have the prerequisite of living apart for a specified period, and then the decree is granted.

You may still see your wife as "beautiful" but I'd suggest you look at the inner woman, who's looking pretty damn ugly from where I'm sitting. The chances of you erasing from your mind's eye what you saw is impossible. Frankly, no matter how you feel about your wife, I'd suggest you retain a good divorce lawyer. I'm all for forgiving and trying to repair a marriage. In your case, it's sounds waaaayyyyyyy beyond repair. Sorry.


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## Prodigal

ETA: Why did your wife cheat? Because she lacks integrity and character. The prospect of cheating presented itself, and she took it.


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## Affaircare

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> But why?? She made this choice, but why? Was I not good enough? The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
> This is what I don't get here...what the hell does this guy have that I don't? I can guarantee that he's no more well endowed then I am. He seems smart and funny, and witty, but I am also. I try at everything I accomplish, including being a dad, and not just a father. I could have sworn I was a good husband, and a good lay for that matter...so what, what is it? Did she just want sex? From someone else? Is she in love with him?
> Yes she was the one who did it, and she made the choice. He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this. These words are coming from someone else, I don't feel like me. I don't know if I'll ever be me.
> Time heals wounds right?? I need a fast forward button, or Adam Sandlers remote control


@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , 

There is no good answer to "Why" because no matter what the reason, it's never going to be the sort of reason that will make you think, "Oh, yeah. Good point. That is a good reason." That's because there IS no good reason to behaving poorly. She made very poor choices--that's the god's honest truth. 

Also, it quite a myth that people "affair up" although it is a really strong myth in our society. People don't usually leave "a good husband" to go be with "a great husband" -- or leave a guy who's "good in bed" for a guy who's "great in bed" -- or leave a "good, steady provider" for a "rich man". No, usually there is a character flaw within the unfaithful partner and they feel bad about themselves compared to the spouse. It could be something like "He gets all the fun of exotic business travel while I'm stuck home here with the kids, and I shouldn't resent my own children" or "He doesn't pay any attention to me anymore and I think I'm getting old and unattractive." Can you hear how the unfaithful person feels bad about themselves? So they look for a partner--usually they "affair down". And they do that because the affair partner (AP) makes THEM feel 'better than' -- like the lady who wants the attention will "affair down" to a guy who's a man-***** and get his attention while she plays with him. She feels 'better than' him because at least she's not cheap and he's CLEARLY not as good a man as her spouse had been, but she feels like she is better than him. Same idea for the lady who didn't want to resent her kids for a business traveler--she'll "affair down" to a guy who can't hold a job, so he's always around to help out with the kids but she has to work her tail off to support the whole family by herself now. She feels 'better than' him because at least she's working and she doesn't resent her kids! But he's CLEARLY not as good a man as her spouse had been. 

So when you contemplate "Why?" bear this in mind. She didn't trade you in for a newer, better model. There's not some fatal flaw in you that made your marriage explode. Rather, she likely traded in a nice, shiny model (you) for an old, POS off the junkyard floor model (AP), because when she compares herself to the trash-heap "she looks good". It's a flaw within HER.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Ok...that struck a nerve...thank you!


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Thank you all so much...you weren't kidding about there being good help here...I actually got a glimps of a normal feeling for a quick second. 
The attorney situation and STD topic have rather gave me a whole different ****ty feeling lol


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## Openminded

There’s no getting around the devastation of being cheated on. It’s something you just have to deal with. But it doesn’t mean that your life is ruined forever. Time will help you recover. It can’t be rushed and it may take longer than you think it should but you’ll get there on your terms.


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## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Thank you all so much...you weren't kidding about there being good help here...I actually got a glimps of a normal feeling for a quick second.
> The attorney situation and STD topic have rather gave me a whole different ****ty feeling lol


The rollercoaster days are ahead for you, just hang on and ride them out. There's no shortcut to getting through this. But you'll get there.

Get that attorney ASAP or you will be worse off than you are already.


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## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Yes, 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Married 12 years.
> Ya know, it's exactly what you're saying also...im on a pity pot...I know this. It's not so much of the feeling of "what ever shall I do" but a feeling of "what the hell did I do wrong"
> I'm angry, I'm the most emotional I've ever been. I'm a manly man, and I'm witnessing a side to myself that I've never seen before. Then of course there is the "what am I going to do, at age 44?" I can't keep lying to you all and say that I don't feel that way. I'm a space brain right now, I loved her, I still love her, I loved the idea of us, and our family.
> It hurts soooo damn bad knowing and thinking that she loves another man, or maybe it's lust, and that hurts just as bad.
> I run these images through my head over and over like little movies of the two of them, and how they may have done certain positions in their moments, and then I wonder how long he lasted for, and what the expressions were on her face...honestly I don't know if talking about this helps.
> I've never been an addict of any sort, but the temptation of an escape crosses my mind often lately.
> I've left the house, knowing that the 3 of them need it more then I do, but also angry about this too. It's hard for me to be there at all now anyways, from what went on there while I was away working.


I am so sorry that you are here and going through this. You will go through these thoughts for quite some time, and the first few months are absolutely brutal.

What’s been done to you and your family by your wife is horrific. She’s done terrible things and there is no excuse for that. There is nothing you could have done, she made the choice to have an affair. That’s it. Sometime in the future you will come to understand that it wasn’t about you, it was her thinking about only herself at the cost of everyone else. 

Right now, life feels unbearable. It’s agony to just wake up in the morning and want to carry forward. It feels impossible that you will ever be whole again, let alone happy. The mind movies are relentless. I know exactly what that feels like. But I promise you, that you will in fact wake up one day and realize that it hurts less. Then one day you’ll wake up and realize that you didn’t have any mind movies playing as soon as you open your eyes. Then another day where you wake up and feel neutral instead of filled with barbed wire. And then, one glorious day you wake up, and you feel hope for your life again. 

Right now you must simply survive. Put one foot in front of the other, live hour to hour, minute to minute if you have to. Take care of yourself even though you feel like that’s the last thing you care about. See a great lawyer even if you would rather crawl under a rock. Take a hot shower. Eat a baked potato (this is random but basically the only thing I could force down for a long time), find a really good counselor to talk about how badly this hurts. Exercise or get a punching bag to beat the crap out of instead of doing unhealthy things like drinking or drugs to escape. If you need something to help you with depression or panic, talk to your doctor. Keep posting here, keep reading stories. You are not alone.


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## QuietRiot

Additionally you may want to ask that your thread be moved to the Coping With Infidelity forum so you can get more support. Just a suggestion. 🙂


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## oldshirt

The legal system basically got sick of dealing with people's relationship issues. The courts simply don't care and while I understand the BS's want for justice and compensation, If I sit back and look at it from a cold, detached view, it is probably best to get the legal system out of homes, relationships and bedrooms as much as possible. 

The reason places started going to no-fault divorce is so they don't have to figure out who the bad guy is and who the victim is and who's fault anything or any kind of he said/she said. In the end all that did was turn a sad and heartbreaking situation into more a battlefield and generate more anger, contempt and hostility and jack up the price so everyone but the lawyers come out poorer in the end and add more years to people's resentment. 

The court system has basically taken the approach that if you want a divorce- fill out this form, sign here and pay this fee. In the long run, that probably is the lesser of a thousand evils. Just get out and walk away. 

It's very painful in the moment, but the old system of having to prove adultery and mental cruelty and physical abuse in the long run was just added expense, private investigators and expensive lawyers doing their best to smear and mudsling and bash everyone over the head creating more drama and heartache and many years of even more contempt and hostility.


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## oldshirt

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> But why?? She made this choice, but why? Was I not good enough? The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
> This is what I don't get here...what the hell does this guy have that I don't? I can guarantee that he's no more well endowed then I am. He seems smart and funny, and witty, but I am also. I try at everything I accomplish, including being a dad, and not just a father. I could have sworn I was a good husband, and a good lay for that matter...so what, what is it? Did she just want sex? From someone else? Is she in love with him?
> Yes she was the one who did it, and she made the choice. He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this. These words are coming from someone else, I don't feel like me. I don't know if I'll ever be me.
> Time heals wounds right?? I need a fast forward button, or Adam Sandlers remote control







Affaircare said:


> @CursiveWritingOnTheWall ,
> 
> There is no good answer to "Why" because no matter what the reason, it's never going to be the sort of reason that will make you think, "Oh, yeah. Good point. That is a good reason." That's because there IS no good reason to behaving poorly. She made very poor choices--that's the god's honest truth.
> 
> Also, it quite a myth that people "affair up" although it is a really strong myth in our society. People don't usually leave "a good husband" to go be with "a great husband" -- or leave a guy who's "good in bed" for a guy who's "great in bed" -- or leave a "good, steady provider" for a "rich man". No, usually there is a character flaw within the unfaithful partner and they feel bad about themselves compared to the spouse.


Affaircare is right, the vast majority of affairs have nothing to do with the BS or that the BS was somehow faulty or inadequate. 

Look at it this way, if you were an inadequate spouse and the other guy was better, she would have simply dumped your azz and left to go be with him. 

Instead she was sneaking around in the shadows while you were at work and then just saying, "sorry" when she got caught in the act. 

The only thing he was that you weren't is he was someone else. She simply wanted more and wanted something extra. Otherwise she would have already left. 

This was on her. It was a result of a character flaw in her, not a flaw in you as a man or as a husband or as a lover. It has nothing to do with his dong or with yours.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Ya, I apologize...im really not in a good state of mind. Should have posted my words in the other topic of discussion. I'm actually kind of new to this, other then some hot rod and car forums. If you have a way to move these or know who to ask, i could use the help. 
Ummm I don't know what to say in response to everyone. The feedback has been from one extreme to the next, some kind of harsh, and some spot on and encouraging..I will say this tho, it ALL sounds perfect, everything that everyone has said, has been exactly straightforward and to the point. Even the things that might be crass sound good to me.
I responded to someone, and i won't say any names...but I told them that the world seems like it's asleep. Where did everyone go? 
Here's some more pity pot for you all...why in the hell did the weather change so abruptly? I hadn't even noticed until now. 
I need something to help me sleep. I need the sun to come up...Im pretty damn needy right now wtf. 
I didn't plan on going up and down this emotional roller coaster here on this forum. Had no clue it would have been so helpful tho. I thank you all, wish I could hold some hands, and feel something. I think a started off today angry, and wanting to send people to their judgement, but I do feel better now, I'm just super emotional. Haven't been here since I was a teen. 
Thank you


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## sokillme

Don't be afraid CW, what you feel is 100% normal. It's not going to feel like this forever, you will eventually recover from this. Not to say this won't be a hard time in your life, it will, but it isn't the end of your life. You also didn't do anything to deserve this. People cheat because of a lack of character not because of their circumstances. I wish I could tell you something that would make the pain you are in go away, sadly I can't. But what I CAN tell you is that the pain WILL eventually go away.

Go speak to an attorney then mourn and grieve your loss, but understand the women who was your wife is gone now. She is not to be trusted and she can't be put in the role as your wife anymore, that role will have to be put on the shelf and reserved for someone else. She just isn't safe.

I write this a lot because it's the truth. Everything in life ends, often with stuff like this you are forced to face the shock of this realization in a split second. So that compounds the pain you feel from being cheated and lied to. But the fact that things end is a hard lesson we all must face about our existence eventually. So sadly you have to face two things, the sudden realization of that end but also the brutal abuse of being cheated on. It's a very hard thing. But not an insurmountable one.

I will tell you what I tell everyone, and I speak from experience. It's rare that a post brings me back to those days but after reading your response, I can remember and relate to your confusion and sense of being loss. It's the expreiance of almost everyone who has gone through this, many people on this site. This is why I can tell you without a doubt, you will get over this pain and you will have joy again. I know emotionally that is hard to accept right now, but it's true and lucky even if you don't accept it, it will still happen just the same.

Hang in there man, it's going to be OK.


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## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Ya, I apologize...im really not in a good state of mind. Should have posted my words in the other topic of discussion. I'm actually kind of new to this, other then some hot rod and car forums. If you have a way to move these or know who to ask, i could use the help.
> Ummm I don't know what to say in response to everyone. The feedback has been from one extreme to the next, some kind of harsh, and some spot on and encouraging..I will say this tho, it ALL sounds perfect, everything that everyone has said, has been exactly straightforward and to the point. Even the things that might be crass sound good to me.
> I responded to someone, and i won't say any names...but I told them that the world seems like it's asleep. Where did everyone go?
> Here's some more pity pot for you all...why in the hell did the weather change so abruptly? I hadn't even noticed until now.
> I need something to help me sleep. I need the sun to come up...Im pretty damn needy right now wtf.
> I didn't plan on going up and down this emotional roller coaster here on this forum. Had no clue it would have been so helpful tho. I thank you all, wish I could hold some hands, and feel something. I think a started off today angry, and wanting to send people to their judgement, but I do feel better now, I'm just super emotional. Haven't been here since I was a teen.
> Thank you


No need to apologize, many of us have been where you're at and are at various stages of recovery. It doesn't feel like it now, but you're life is not over. The only thing over are the lies, this is the beginning of a new life, granted not one you wanted or asked for, but you'll be ok. You sound reasonably sane and at least you're not looking at murder charges, so you've got that going for you.

Don't feel that you have to be strong and unemotional that you can't reach out and ask for help. I tried, nearly had an all out breakdown at my doctor's office when I requested an STD test. This community was my lifeline when my life fell apart too, there's always someone around. 

I know it feels hopeless right now but you're not alone.


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## BeyondRepair007

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall How are you doing today? It's been rough for you, I know, but I hope you're in a little better place today. You're among friends here.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Wow, thank you for caring. Im blown away at your ability to remember and care. 
Tbh, I had a horrible night. Tossed and turned, had dreams that I can only describe as a false feeling of what life should be. 
I tried calling her, to talk to the kids this morning. She forwarded the call. I messaged her saying I would call again to talk to them. She messaged back and said "I don't think its healthy at this point" Wtf?? It's not healthy for them, her or me? I just wanted to say hi, and chat. I'm not looking to create a traumatic experience for them. Is she feeling remorse? Guilty? Afraid of what I might say? 
It's going to be a long weekend. Today feels worse, each day is getting worse. 
I'm going to try and eat some soup or something, I need some nourishment. 
I'm sad...this isn't my life.


----------



## Tdbo

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> . She came in and said "Well now you know, I'm sorry"


Wow. Such remorse.
Not much to work with there, I'm afraid.
It is horrible what she has put you through.
Tell your attorney to make sure she gets ripped a new one.


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## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Wow, thank you for caring. Im blown away at your ability to remember and care.
> Tbh, I had a horrible night. Tossed and turned, had dreams that I can only describe as a false feeling of what life should be.
> I tried calling her, to talk to the kids this morning. She forwarded the call. I messaged her saying I would call again to talk to them. She messaged back and said "I don't think its healthy at this point" Wtf?? It's not healthy for them, her or me? I just wanted to say hi, and chat. I'm not looking to create a traumatic experience for them. Is she feeling remorse? Guilty? Afraid of what I might say?
> It's going to be a long weekend. Today feels worse, each day is getting worse.
> I'm going to try and eat some soup or something, I need some nourishment.
> I'm sad...this isn't my life.


CW, you have GOT to get a lawyer in this right away. She can't keep you from your kids, but right now you have no leg to stand on.

Between the child issue and you not being in the house, I'm sorry friend but this needs to be job1 for you! She's not going to play nice it sounds like, so get some legal protection asap!

here's another thing you won't like.
You need to protect yourself from false domestic violence charges.

Don't be alone around her if you can help that, always have a witness. And if you are going to be alone, record your conversations. Not because you need to trap her or anything, it's entirely for your own protection in case she really goes off the deep end. And to be honest, it sounds like she might to me.

I'm sorry you're in this crap storm. Be on guard and protect yourself going forward, she is not your friend anymore!


----------



## TXTrini

Sleeps going to be hard to come by unfortunately unless you get some help. I suggest 10 to 20g of melatonin, it's over the counter and nonaddictive. Otherwise, don't be afraid to ask your doctor for something. It's really hard to get through the anger/grief phase to acceptance. 

That's absolutely disgusting she's keeping the kids from you. Does her parents know what she's done? You might have to expose her to get leverage and take legal action when you see your lawyer Monday to get custody arrangements sorted, whether or not you decide to divorce. The last thing you need now is to have her poison your kids against you. I'm sorry to lay this on you now, but it's something to consider, it happens to many men in your situation. 

You sound pretty level headed despite everything, so even though you feel like absolute ****, you're doing really well.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Going in to this consultation on Monday, im gradually becoming aggravated. I don't want to lose my sh** and make this worse. I do however understand that she might try and falsely accuse me of domestic violence. With that being said, I'm not violent. I don't even spank my kids when they do wrong, I'd rather sit and talk and tell them what they did wrong. I've never hit any women, nor verbally abusive to anyone. Just to ease some thoughts tho, I will be on the defensive now. 
As for not being at home...I just can't do it right now. I can't be there. It's too hard and way to empty.


----------



## TexasMom1216

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Going in to this consultation on Monday, im gradually becoming aggravated. I don't want to lose my sh** and make this worse. I do however understand that she might try and falsely accuse me of domestic violence. With that being said, I'm not violent. I don't even spank my kids when they do wrong, I'd rather sit and talk and tell them what they did wrong. I've never hit any women, nor verbally abusive to anyone. Just to ease some thoughts tho, I will be on the defensive now.
> As for not being at home...I just can't do it right now. I can't be there. It's too hard and way to empty.


At this point, I wouldn’t put anything past her. Please protect yourself. She is not allowed to isolate you from your children. Get a good lawyer to go after her hard and stay out of it as much as you can. I’m so sorry this happened. I hate her on your behalf.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Going in to this consultation on Monday, im gradually becoming aggravated. I don't want to lose my sh** and make this worse. I do however understand that she might try and falsely accuse me of domestic violence. With that being said, I'm not violent. I don't even spank my kids when they do wrong, I'd rather sit and talk and tell them what they did wrong. I've never hit any women, nor verbally abusive to anyone. Just to ease some thoughts tho, I will be on the defensive now.
> As for not being at home...I just can't do it right now. I can't be there. It's too hard and way to empty.


You're on the right track CW even though it probably doesn't feel like it.

Let your emotions energize you to take the right steps with the lawyer, but keep it there. The lawyer can help you change footing from defense to offense and tell you how to protect yourself and your kids' interests.

The lawyer will tell you what to do about the house, don't overthink that right now.

Try to start thinking of what's best for your kids.
You said you had a boy and girl, how old are they?


----------



## Mr.Married

You are probably talking about me with the crass statement. I’m short and direct about pretty much everything. If you don’t like something I say don’t be scared to point it out. They is no need to apologize to anyone. You can let it rip if you want. You are in the right place.


----------



## Diana7

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the legal system? But is it tho??
> I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
> Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded.
> At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.


You need to understand that your wife is just as bad as the guy who she cheated with. No point calling him a SOB and her beautiful, it was she who cheated on you in the end not him. Not easy to realize that a person you love can do that to you, but acceptance of that fact is part of the process. So many men demonize the man while wanting to portray the wife as a poor victim who was taken advantage of, nope, it's not like that. She may even have gone after him.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

My daughter is 7, my son is 6. Probably the worst age to start going through this kind of ordeal.


----------



## Openminded

My guess is that the distance she’s creating is because she’s very concerned about what you’ll tell them.


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## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> My guess is that the distance she’s creating is because she’s very concerned about what you’ll tell them.


For sure. She is trying to control the narrative. That portends unsavory things to come.

Hoping the lawyer on Monday is a rockstar. If not, find one who is!


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## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> My daughter is 7, my son is 6. Probably the worst age to start going through this kind of ordeal.


If you read some stuff here, you’ll find that every person in turmoil is concerned about their kids from people being pregnant all the way to adult children. You can support and speak to your kids in a healthy and loving way to help them through this. 

Unfortunately you can’t control the other party in this situation, but you can and will do the best you know how with the kids… you’ll likely find that they are the shining light in your life through this walk through hell.


----------



## jlg07

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Going in to this consultation on Monday, im gradually becoming aggravated. I don't want to lose my sh** and make this worse. I do however understand that she might try and falsely accuse me of domestic violence. With that being said, I'm not violent. I don't even spank my kids when they do wrong, I'd rather sit and talk and tell them what they did wrong. I've never hit any women, nor verbally abusive to anyone. Just to ease some thoughts tho, I will be on the defensive now.
> As for not being at home...I just can't do it right now. I can't be there. It's too hard and way to empty.


Make sure you ALWAYS have a VAR running ANY time you are around her, and also DOCUMENT all the crap she pulls like not letting you talk with your kids -- EVERY time she does it.


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## Diana7

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> My daughter is 7, my son is 6. Probably the worst age to start going through this kind of ordeal.


There is no worse age but yes it will be hard especially if she makes it difficult for you to see them.


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## QuietRiot

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall, how are you faring? Please keep us updated on how the lawyer appt goes. Sending you strength.


----------



## Megaforce

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. Your situation sucks, I’m sorry you’re here. I can only imagine the level of devastation you’re feeling from a full blown betrayal.
> 2. The other man is not the problem, your wife is the problem. She betrayed you, not the OM.
> 3. If you’re struggling with the the “unfairness” of your situation, you need to do some work on yourself.
> Life is unfair, the universe is unfair, relationships are unfair, your marriage is unfair, and you already know that.
> The only thing within your control is what are you going to do about it and how are you going to operate to maximize your outcomes in an imperfect, unfair world.
> 
> So take a brief pity party, and then get your **** together, formulate a plan and start taking aggressive action in your own best interests.


Despite the passage of time, the unfairness does still,bother me. It may the poster as well, especially if the family court system gets involved. People end up making monetary payments to the very person that violated them.
Eventually, you reconcile the unfairness and, hopefully figure out how to have a decent life going forward. But, there is no question this is not fair.
Please see lawyer or three.


----------



## Megaforce

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> But why?? She made this choice, but why? Was I not good enough? The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
> This is what I don't get here...what the hell does this guy have that I don't? I can guarantee that he's no more well endowed then I am. He seems smart and funny, and witty, but I am also. I try at everything I accomplish, including being a dad, and not just a father. I could have sworn I was a good husband, and a good lay for that matter...so what, what is it? Did she just want sex? From someone else? Is she in love with him?
> Yes she was the one who did it, and she made the choice. He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this. These words are coming from someone else, I don't feel like me. I don't know if I'll ever be me.
> Time heals wounds right?? I need a fast forward button, or Adam Sandlers remote control


You articulate your thoughts and feelings extremely well. I bet a bunch of us have wondered the same things re what we lacked, why the affair partner was so irresistible etc. And, you will, probably, never really know what was so messed up in your wife that she did this. As time goes on, you may start recalling small imperfections, like we all possess, and wonder if you were the cause. It is very natural to do this.
I have no credentials but I have read so much and talked to so many betrayed spouses that I have some thoughts that may help.
I do not recall ever coming across a case of cheating where, based on what was described to me, I did not feel the cheater was a very flawed, perhaps personality disordered individual. Their comfort level with such an incredible amount of DDT dishonesty is mind boggling, many standard deviations from normal.
For the most part, they seem to lack empathy, as well, although some have managed to wear a mask for long periods.
I recommend you start reading up on the Cluster B personality disorders to see if you feel your wife is a fit.
You have young kids. I did, as well when I went through this twice long time ago. Made it very hard to pull the trigger and divorce. I heard all the tripe re the marriage being better and stronger etc. after cheating had occurred. Almost no one I came across felt this way having stayed.
This is extremely fresh for you. You,probably, do need to get back in the house, but rely on your lawyer's advice. Be extremely cautious in expressing anger. 
There is a concept called " fundamental attribution error". Briefly, it means that third party observers will notice only your reactions not knowing or understanding what they derive from. Many female cheaters , in order to gain support and justify their betrayal, will start a smear campaign, asserting the man was abusive or controlling or, at least neglectful as hell.
Outside observers, having heard her narrative, will look at any outbursts or whatever from you as confirmation of her narrative. 
And, you really need to be cautious of false allegations of abuse. Some divorce lawyers, from what I have read, actually advise their female clients to assert such an allegation, as in many jurisdictions it is considered in custody and divide property.
This is no joke. It really does happen. Perhaps get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you.


----------



## Megaforce

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Wow, thank you for caring. Im blown away at your ability to remember and care.
> Tbh, I had a horrible night. Tossed and turned, had dreams that I can only describe as a false feeling of what life should be.
> I tried calling her, to talk to the kids this morning. She forwarded the call. I messaged her saying I would call again to talk to them. She messaged back and said "I don't think its healthy at this point" Wtf?? It's not healthy for them, her or me? I just wanted to say hi, and chat. I'm not looking to create a traumatic experience for them. Is she feeling remorse? Guilty? Afraid of what I might say?
> It's going to be a long weekend. Today feels worse, each day is getting worse.
> I'm going to try and eat some soup or something, I need some nourishment.
> I'm sad...this isn't my life.


Be extremely cautious dealing with her. This is the vibe of someone capable of bringing false se DV charges. The temerity to be comfortable giving advice on what is healthy, in light of her conduct, smacks of narcissism. 
If your attorney advises getting back in the house, make sure he addresses the potential danger of this. Not sure how one handles this, but maybe document you have this concern and do not go back home wi th hout a witness or police accompaniment.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I never took her for Narcissistic. But it's highly possible. That's just one more reason why this is so flippin hard to cope with. 
During the day it's easier for me to deal with my feelings, and when night falls I start to feel ultra lonely and weak. 
My immediate family (parents and brothers) are 1500 miles from where I'm at. Im dab smack in the middle of the country, and they are on the West Coast. 
I've been writing down all these helpful and suggested comments to take with me tomorrow. Hopefully the State in which I live allows most of the things I need, to happen.


----------



## wmn1

Mr.Married said:


> The man is not part of your marriage, however your wife is. She made a choice. Your anger is misdirected.
> 
> Edit: Your angry at the man as a natural protection mechanism in your mind. If you can make yourself blame the other man then you don’t have to face the fact that your wife did in fact chose to fuk another man.


maybe not but he is still a scumball for screwing a married woman. I will call the OM out everyday but you are right that she is the first culprit


----------



## wmn1

moon7 said:


> NWO is up to destroy families, so of course lobbying to create laws that fvck up families, make the families unstable by breaking the father or the mother, protect whoever destroy marriages are in their interest. The same laws aproved in many different countries, the judges deciding similarly in the same countries, when you start researching some of those judges you find pictures of the in conferences of soros foundations, for example, you see the twitters they follow too. So the problem is both legislative and judiciary (and in the US now its even the high executive). Not to mention propaganda in tv, music, even some "churches" encouragement for dubious actions. Im sorry, OP. Its a very unfair battle.


I agree yes


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Thank you!! It can't just be one sided. My immediate reaction was to hate her, and kill him. That has to account for something right?
I know that people that commit these kinds of acts, are the ones to blame. But also this POS knew what was happening...maybe I'm just being naive in the fact. I still haven't accepted fully that this has happened to me...up and down I go.


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I never took her for Narcissistic. But it's highly possible. That's just one more reason why this is so flippin hard to cope with.
> During the day it's easier for me to deal with my feelings, and when night falls I start to feel ultra lonely and weak.
> My immediate family (parents and brothers) are 1500 miles from where I'm at. Im dab smack in the middle of the country, and they are on the West Coast.
> I've been writing down all these helpful and suggested comments to take with me tomorrow. Hopefully the State in which I live allows most of the things I need, to happen.


Everything always seems worse at night. I remember how miserable it was, it'll be that way for a while, but you're truly doing very well. I was paralyzed for 2 weeks before I could string 2 words together to post here and I didn't catch my exH in the act. You're NOT weak at all, just in shock, so please cut yourself some slack. I wasn't joking earlier when I said at least you didn't kill someone, I seriously entertained shooting my ex for a hot minute.

It's a pity you have no friends and family close by for support, but you can do it. Heck, I overshared sometimes with complete strangers just to get it out and went for therapy. Have you considered getting some to help sort through your feelings? I know it seems a lot but it really helps. I also used this workbook to help me accept my new life.








Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - Kindle edition by Fisher, Bruce, Alberti, Robert, Satir, Virginia M.. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends - Kindle edition by Fisher, Bruce, Alberti, Robert, Satir, Virginia M.. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.



www.amazon.com








CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Thank you!! It can't just be one sided. My immediate reaction was to hate her, and kill him. That has to account for something right?
> I know that people that commit these kinds of acts, are the ones to blame. But also this POS knew what was happening...maybe I'm just being naive in the fact. I still haven't accepted fully that this has happened to me...up and down I go.


You will in time, it does get easier to bear, even though it doesn't sting any less.


----------



## Megaforce

Your wife sounds pretty heartless. Lack of empathy is one of the main characteristics of NPD.
" Now you know. Sorry." " Not healthy for you to talk to the kids at this time"? 
Think about what type of person could say things like this at this time. It is unimaginable to me that a normal person could.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I want to believe that she feels embarrassed, stupid, lowlife status, for her to say and do these things. 
This weekend seemed like an eternity, but now here comes Monday real fast. 
The comment she made, makes me believe she had planned to tell me, or act on leaving in the future. Makes me wonder what that road would have entailed, and maybe I destroyed her plans by walking in on it.
At this time I'm leaning towards feeling better about walking in. Maybe I'm just telling myself that in my own healing process to make myself feel better. But at the same time, it feels like I'm in a soap opera and only this kind of sh%$ happens on television.


----------



## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I want to believe that she feels embarrassed, stupid, lowlife status, for her to say and do these things.
> This weekend seemed like an eternity, but now here comes Monday real fast.
> The comment she made, makes me believe she had planned to tell me, or act on leaving in the future. Makes me wonder what that road would have entailed, and maybe I destroyed her plans by walking in on it.
> At this time I'm leaning towards feeling better about walking in. Maybe I'm just telling myself that in my own healing process to make myself feel better. But at the same time, it feels like I'm in a soap opera and only this kind of sh%$ happens on television.


I mean, you never have to question your evidence by walking in on them in the act. There is no lying, gaslighting or minimizing that situation that she could possibly do. She cannot deny it. But… that’s also a super traumatic way to find out. It’s beyond ****ed up. I’m sorry that was the way you found out… even if it does bring a level of finality. 

Maybe it’s just me, but I find that cheaters who can bring the AP into the family home or places the family had together (let alone the marital bed)… that’s an extra level of twisted. I guess some people see no value in where it happens, but I find it psychotic.


----------



## DudeInProgress

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I want to believe that she feels embarrassed, stupid, lowlife status, for her to say and do these things.
> This weekend seemed like an eternity, but now here comes Monday real fast.
> The comment she made, makes me believe she had planned to tell me, or act on leaving in the future. Makes me wonder what that road would have entailed, and maybe I destroyed her plans by walking in on it.
> At this time I'm leaning towards feeling better about walking in. Maybe I'm just telling myself that in my own healing process to make myself feel better. But at the same time, it feels like I'm in a soap opera and only this kind of sh%$ happens on television.


You need to stop with the mental masturbation about what her feelings and her intent may have been, or may be now.
There will be plenty of time for that later. 
Right now, you need to decide on your course of action and start making moves immediately. It’s time for action.


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I want to believe that she feels embarrassed, stupid, lowlife status, for her to say and do these things.
> This weekend seemed like an eternity, but now here comes Monday real fast.
> The comment she made, makes me believe she had planned to tell me, or act on leaving in the future. Makes me wonder what that road would have entailed, and maybe I destroyed her plans by walking in on it.
> At this time I'm leaning towards feeling better about walking in. Maybe I'm just telling myself that in my own healing process to make myself feel better. But at the same time, it feels like I'm in a soap opera and only this kind of sh%$ happens on television.


So you didn't mention if you were going to therapy. I think it would really help you to refocus your energy on yourself instead of her. It doesn't matter what she intended or feels anymore. It's only human towant to make sense of this, but that's just going to make you mad.

Have you seen the kids yet?


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

DudeInProgress said:


> You need to stop with the mental masturbation about what her feelings and her intent may have been, or may be now.
> There will be plenty of time for that later.
> Right now, you need to decide on your course of action and start making moves immediately. It’s time for action.


This all just happened very recently, I know action needs to be taken. Please remember that it's Sunday, the weekend is gone now, and all I've had is time alone to sit and think. Im simply answering to a comment that someone made about her being the way that she was at the moment. 
I'm not a pushover, I will take action, especially since my children are involved. If there weren't any other souls involved, I may have just walked away, lick my wounds and move on.
With that being said I'm still distraught, hurt, I have a million and one emotions coursing through me, and it's been hard for a minute. It does seem better to talk about this, and I do get some relief. 
Everyone works at a different speed, mine may be slower then others, but I always come out with productive results in the end. 
I guess it's Monday, I haven't slept again...meeting in the morning at 10am


----------



## Dictum Veritas

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> This all just happened very recently, I know action needs to be taken. Please remember that it's Sunday, the weekend is gone now, and all I've had is time alone to sit and think. Im simply answering to a comment that someone made about her being the way that she was at the moment.
> I'm not a pushover, I will take action, especially since my children are involved. If there weren't any other souls involved, I may have just walked away, lick my wounds and move on.
> With that being said I'm still distraught, hurt, I have a million and one emotions coursing through me, and it's been hard for a minute. It does seem better to talk about this, and I do get some relief.
> Everyone works at a different speed, mine may be slower then others, but I always come out with productive results in the end.
> I guess it's Monday, I haven't slept again...meeting in the morning at 10am


This is not easy to deal with and it hurts. You didn't deserve this. Unfortunately by her choices, your wife has made herself a cancer to you and cancers need to be cut out. Some people can live with cancer they feel is not too aggressive, I'm more of the remove every mole before it turns on you kind of guy.

You will have to figure out where you stand on that and act accordingly, without delay.

It is unfortunately true that life expects us to act exactly at the times when we feel most vulnerable or forever suffer the consequences of inaction later.


----------



## Diana7

wmn1 said:


> maybe not but he is still a scumball for screwing a married woman. I will call the OM out everyday but you are right that she is the first culprit


Yep, they are both equally responsible, but men too often blame the guy while assuming their wife was 'taken advantage of'.


----------



## wmn1

Diana7 said:


> Yep, they are both equally responsible, but men too often blame the guy while assuming their wife was 'taken advantage of'.


agreed completely


----------



## manfromlamancha

If its any consolation walking in on them is a blessing in a way. This way you know for sure. Being convinced but not knowing for sure is another level of hell to go through and you have been spared that. Now will come all kinds of other lies that you have to go through to get to the truth. Had she expressed unhappiness in the marriage before? Did you know the POSOM or how they met? I am guessing he has been around your kids. She is probably seeing him now even while pretending to be at her mothers house. Is he married? Stay calm until you find these things out and then decided what to do next. Stay strong!


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I learned recently that he is a friend, of one of her girlfriends. Very suspicious about the girlfriend being an instigator of sorts, all though she could also be completely innocent in the matter. So I'm not going to speculate. 

She hadn't said anything at all to lead me to believe she was unhappy, or irritated in our relationship. But she did hesitate to greet me like normal, when I'd get home after being gone for several days at a time. Sex seemed to taper off as of the last several months. 
To the point of me actually making plans for sex, and her kinda disagreeing with it. I actually got frustrated the last time, and said something to the effect of her needing it also. As it seems now, she may have not needed it, because she was already getting it. 

I'll say this now also...the POSOM had been in my house more then once, now looking back and remembering things. My wife has always been a clean freak...anytime both of us would get out of bed, she would instantly make our bed, and tidy up. The bed was always made, regardless of the situation. 
I came home early not that long ago, and went in to my room to change clothes, and noticed the bed had been made, but looked like someone had laid on top of it disturbing the covers as if it had been wrestled on. 
A pair of her panties on the ground next to the bed. I didn't put any thoughts in to it, there was no reason to at the time. Maybe an uncomfortable nap, or headache is what I assumed.
That day and night, she was very standoffish, and reluctant to be intimate or even compassionate to me being home. 
Idk...I feel like I'm speculating a lot now, and running all these events over in my head, trying to investigate the past. Trying to make sense of everything. Every time I do, I lead back to asking myself what went wrong. Why is he the one? Why did this happen, where did it start...turning myself sad again, and replaying it over again. 
It doesn't matter what I do at this point, I revert back to "why?" Why him, why me, what was wrong with me...so go ahead and fire away at me.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Sex seemed to taper off as of the last several months.
> To the point of me actually making plans for sex, and her kinda disagreeing with it. I actually got frustrated the last time, and said something to the effect of her needing it also. As it seems now, she may have not needed it, because she was already getting it.


She probably didn't want to cheat on her POSOM. That is rather common behavior of a WW. Very sorry you are here, but she obviously transferred her allegiance to another male. Her response when you interrupted their tryst is about as cold as can imagine.

Only thing you can do is get a good attorney and get him to help establish your rights to access your kids. Follow the attorney's advise. Am sure that no contact with STBXW would be best, if you read @Vaughan story you will see why. He went through H3ll times three, his cheating wife wasn't done abusing him after he discovered her lowlife nature and filed. Protect yourself because your STBXW is your worst enemy.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Why him, why me, what was wrong with me...so go ahead and fire away at me.


NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! EVERYTHING wrong with your cheating wife. She let her lustful self do what she WANTED to. The POSOM likely won't be the last OM she goes with. You maybe need some professional help IRL to own the fact that what SHE did has nothing to do with any lack in YOU. This will take a long time, but there are plenty of men ( and women ) who have gone through this and had the same misdirected emotions about how there is some lack in them.

The woman you chose to marry was a LIAR from the first day. A cheater wrapped in a pretty package. Nothing but evil and corruption inside. A wicked heart.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I learned recently that he is a friend, of one of her girlfriends. Very suspicious about the girlfriend being an instigator of sorts, all though she could also be completely innocent in the matter. So I'm not going to speculate.
> 
> She hadn't said anything at all to lead me to believe she was unhappy, or irritated in our relationship. But she did hesitate to greet me like normal, when I'd get home after being gone for several days at a time. Sex seemed to taper off as of the last several months.
> To the point of me actually making plans for sex, and her kinda disagreeing with it. I actually got frustrated the last time, and said something to the effect of her needing it also. As it seems now, she may have not needed it, because she was already getting it.
> 
> I'll say this now also...the POSOM had been in my house more then once, now looking back and remembering things. My wife has always been a clean freak...anytime both of us would get out of bed, she would instantly make our bed, and tidy up. The bed was always made, regardless of the situation.
> I came home early not that long ago, and went in to my room to change clothes, and noticed the bed had been made, but looked like someone had laid on top of it disturbing the covers as if it had been wrestled on.
> A pair of her panties on the ground next to the bed. I didn't put any thoughts in to it, there was no reason to at the time. Maybe an uncomfortable nap, or headache is what I assumed.
> That day and night, she was very standoffish, and reluctant to be intimate or even compassionate to me being home.
> Idk...I feel like I'm speculating a lot now, and running all these events over in my head, trying to investigate the past. Trying to make sense of everything. Every time I do, I lead back to asking myself what went wrong. Why is he the one? Why did this happen, where did it start...turning myself sad again, and replaying it over again.
> It doesn't matter what I do at this point, I revert back to "why?" Why him, why me, what was wrong with me...so go ahead and fire away at me.


I think we've all done this. Looking back, things that seemed odd but ok at the time... now they make a lot more sense. It just makes the deception worse to know it was right there under your nose and you didn't see it.

Don't beat yourself up about that. If you had asked anyone on earth if your wife was cheating because the bed was messed up and panties were laying around we'd say you're nuts. That's not a red flag in a healthy relationship. It only becomes that in retrospect once you know the truth.

Let us know what the lawyer says today @CursiveWritingOnTheWall Lots of experience here on TAM will be able to give you some good feedback to think about.

You're not alone friend.


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## ABHale

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Wow, thank you for caring. Im blown away at your ability to remember and care.
> Tbh, I had a horrible night. Tossed and turned, had dreams that I can only describe as a false feeling of what life should be.
> I tried calling her, to talk to the kids this morning. She forwarded the call. I messaged her saying I would call again to talk to them. She messaged back and said "I don't think its healthy at this point" Wtf?? It's not healthy for them, her or me? I just wanted to say hi, and chat. I'm not looking to create a traumatic experience for them. Is she feeling remorse? Guilty? Afraid of what I might say?
> It's going to be a long weekend. Today feels worse, each day is getting worse.
> I'm going to try and eat some soup or something, I need some nourishment.
> I'm sad...this isn't my life.


Tell your lawyer that she is keeping you from your kids. This is a big problem for her legally.

Do not leave your home. She can claim that you abandoned her and the kids if you do. Talk with your lawyer before you think of leaving again.

Keep your phone recording when talking with her.


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## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> This all just happened very recently, I know action needs to be taken. Please remember that it's Sunday, the weekend is gone now, and all I've had is time alone to sit and think. Im simply answering to a comment that someone made about her being the way that she was at the moment.
> I'm not a pushover, I will take action, especially since my children are involved. If there weren't any other souls involved, I may have just walked away, lick my wounds and move on.
> With that being said I'm still distraught, hurt, I have a million and one emotions coursing through me, and it's been hard for a minute. It does seem better to talk about this, and I do get some relief.
> Everyone works at a different speed, mine may be slower then others, but I always come out with productive results in the end.
> I guess it's Monday, I haven't slept again...meeting in the morning at 10am


I think you are doing so well given what has happened. The hurt is so visceral that it physically hurts at this point. I’ll never in my life forget what it feels like. But at the other end of this, you will feel proud of yourself for not only surviving, but thriving. 

One step at a time. It will be ok.


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## Megaforce

Why? I think, if you really go back and think about things your wife has said and done over the years, how she has treated you and others, you will start to realize that she has always been a selfish asshole. That is what we used to call folks lie this. Now, we call them personality disordered.


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## TXTrini

How was your appointment?


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

It went well. I learned a lot. Im sure we just scratched the surface. I think I'm in over my head, but everyone has been absolutely right. It's time to think differently. I get caught in myself, and in emotion, then think about how this is still all a big ass dream. But reality kicks me in the teeth, and here we go. 

I have a lot of homework to do, and some self adjusting. She (attorney) basically told me to create a world that my children will love. Play hardball and fight the fight that STBX brought on. But before I can do this, I need to establish myself as a single dad, living alone. 
So in my mind, I'm not even remotely close to being ready for a fight. 
It still feels unnecessary to me, but at the same time, it feels like the only way to combat the situation. 

Another set up for the fall?
I'm not afraid of the price I'll pay, but I won't lie down as they walk away.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It went well. I learned a lot. Im sure we just scratched the surface. I think I'm in over my head, but everyone has been absolutely right. It's time to think differently. I get caught in myself, and in emotion, then think about how this is still all a big ass dream. But reality kicks me in the teeth, and here we go.
> 
> I have a lot of homework to do, and some self adjusting. She (attorney) basically told me to create a world that my children will love. Play hardball and fight the fight that STBX brought on. But before I can do this, I need to establish myself as a single dad, living alone.
> So in my mind, I'm not even remotely close to being ready for a fight.
> It still feels unnecessary to me, but at the same time, it feels like the only way to combat the situation.
> 
> Another set up for the fall?
> I'm not afraid of the price I'll pay, but I won't lie down as they walk away.


You're doing great. This is the time for you to really find your anger for STBXW and let that be the fuel for taking every step. Get your house set up like the lawyer advised. Build a playground for the kids, paint their bedrooms, build a freaking pool if you want. Focus on loving them and removing the cancer.

What did the lawyer say about you getting to visit with your kids? Are you going to see them?

When do you file?


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

She wanted to file for emergency visitation and custody. Seeing as how I'm not in the home right now, she wants to just get visitation rights ordered, and when I get my own established dwelling, then go for custody. 
In turn she believes this will force visitation. 
She encouraged me to drop the bomb, and let everyone know what was going on, including STBX parents, as they are grandparents, and also would be included in visitation rights. Also my own parents. 

I'm not good with listening and reading a bunch of legal verbiage, so it was clear as mud. Ill be in email contact with the attorney, while I go back to work. 

I'm looking at paying through the nose for this, and it might be possible to gain back fees, and expenses, due to the situation and nature of the circumstances. I.e. her doing another man in my house, while me working and providing for a family, while she destroys it.
I think I have a long road to travel, and much heartache in the future. As it is, the lawyer retainer has already put a dent in my budget. Ironically, it felt like a relief to right the check.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She encouraged me to drop the bomb, and let everyone know what was going on, including STBX parents, as they are grandparents, and also would be included in visitation rights. Also my own parents.


Absolutely this ^^^^

It can feel embarrassing to put it out there, but burning down her paradise can also bring you some relief. If you _don’t_ do this, she will. And her version will make you the bad guy for treating her so so bad for all of your marriage and a bunch of other BS. Set the record straight!

Last thing about that, you _need_ the support of people closest to you. People you can talk to. Putting the truth out there will let those around you know and some will come to your side.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It went well. I learned a lot. Im sure we just scratched the surface. I think I'm in over my head, but everyone has been absolutely right. It's time to think differently. I get caught in myself, and in emotion, then think about how this is still all a big ass dream. But reality kicks me in the teeth, and here we go.
> 
> I have a lot of homework to do, and some self adjusting. She (attorney) basically told me to create a world that my children will love. Play hardball and fight the fight that STBX brought on. But before I can do this, I need to establish myself as a single dad, living alone.
> So in my mind, I'm not even remotely close to being ready for a fight.
> It still feels unnecessary to me, but at the same time, it feels like the only way to combat the situation.
> 
> Another set up for the fall?
> I'm not afraid of the price I'll pay, but I won't lie down as they walk away.


Did your attorney advise how long and cost to get divorce done? Access to your kids and property? Avoiding DV charges? Retaining your rights to your home? 

Hopefully you file ASAP, no reason to delay that, the process takes a long time. Did attorney advise about informing friends and family about the infidelity? For sure your STBXW is busy covering up her crap and rewriting marital history irl and on SM.


----------



## Rus47

Also, your accounts and expenses need to be managed so STBXW doesnt drain them. Can attorney advise about getting a separation agreenment so your STBXW pays half of the household expenses?

What did attorney say about you leaving your house? You realize by doing that your STBXW will likely just move her AP in to replace you? I realize it is hard, but you have as much right to live there as she does. That would decrease your costs too. Your STBXW will need to get a job. I assume she is SAHM which is why she had time for her crap.


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## blackclover3

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall 
No one ever who left their spouse by cheating on them ever lived happy. even with child support and all the money they get. they will always live lonely. after the guy leave her, no one will stay or marry a cheater. she will always will be running a circle chasing an imaginary flying Unicorn (True Love). while on the other hand, the betrayed spouse comes out of it after a short time stronger and better in every aspect, as parent, partner, and physically.

remember, your mind, emotion, and body chemicals will always expect worst case scenarios, and during tough time will portrait life as a dead end after divorce. that's not true or real. after divorce you will enjoy the time with your kids more than during your time with your spouse. the focus shifts, from being husband, father, husband, Partner, and house support to only 1- Father 2- a strong Man. 

work on yourself, hit the gym 7 days a week, if you are into reading then read more books that the majority of women like to read.


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It went well. I learned a lot. Im sure we just scratched the surface. I think I'm in over my head, but everyone has been absolutely right. It's time to think differently. I get caught in myself, and in emotion, then think about how this is still all a big ass dream. But reality kicks me in the teeth, and here we go.
> 
> I have a lot of homework to do, and some self adjusting. She (attorney) basically told me to create a world that my children will love. Play hardball and fight the fight that STBX brought on. But before I can do this, I need to establish myself as a single dad, living alone.
> So in my mind, I'm not even remotely close to being ready for a fight.
> It still feels unnecessary to me, but at the same time, it feels like the only way to combat the situation.
> 
> Another set up for the fall?
> I'm not afraid of the price I'll pay, but I won't lie down as they walk away.


Good! Doesn't it feel good to be doing something instead of lying down in the sinkhole?

Even though NONE of this is what you wanted, you can take control of your life again and determine its trajectory. It's good to have an end goal in mind, and now you do! When you decide on what action you're going to take, you'll spend more time working on it, and have less time to wallow. Heck, I went to grad school to help rebuild me and give me something else to focus on. 

Don't worry about the fighting, that's what lawyers are for. Just worry about taking care of your health, your kids and employ all the cover-your-ass tactics (voice recorder, etc). You don't sound like a pushover, you'll be fine. It doesn't mean it'll hurt less, just that you're strong and determined enough not to roll over. 

Keep posting, you'll get plenty of support.


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## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She wanted to file for emergency visitation and custody. Seeing as how I'm not in the home right now, she wants to just get visitation rights ordered, and when I get my own established dwelling, then go for custody.
> In turn she believes this will force visitation.
> She encouraged me to drop the bomb, and let everyone know what was going on, including STBX parents, as they are grandparents, and also would be included in visitation rights. Also my own parents.
> 
> I'm not good with listening and reading a bunch of legal verbiage, so it was clear as mud. Ill be in email contact with the attorney, while I go back to work.
> 
> I'm looking at paying through the nose for this, and it might be possible to gain back fees, and expenses, due to the situation and nature of the circumstances. I.e. her doing another man in my house, while me working and providing for a family, while she destroys it.
> I think I have a long road to travel, and much heartache in the future. As it is, the lawyer retainer has already put a dent in my budget. Ironically, it felt like a relief to right the check.


Wow, you've got yourself a killer! Good for you! It's not fair, but people tend to believe whoever talks first, so that's good advice. It's not about being the victim, it's about clearing your reputation, so you have less opposition. It's incredible how quickly your spouse can become your enemy, especially if you still love them.

When you have to contact your lawyer, they charge you in 10 min increments every time, so try to have several things to ask about every time to help reduce your billable hours. It's not going to be a straight path with kids, sorry to say, but it depends on how your STXW fights. If she has any shame at all, hopefully she makes this fair and quick.


----------



## TXTrini

blackclover3 said:


> @CursiveWritingOnTheWall
> No one ever who left their spouse by cheating on them ever lived happy. even with child support and all the money they get. they will always live lonely. after the guy leave her, no one will stay or marry a cheater. she will always will be running a circle chasing an imaginary flying Unicorn (True Love). while on the other hand, the betrayed spouse comes out of it after a short time stronger and better in every aspect, as parent, partner, and physically.
> 
> remember, your mind, emotion, and body chemicals will always expect worst case scenarios, and during tough time will portrait life as a dead end after divorce. that's not true or real. after divorce you will enjoy the time with your kids more than during your time with your spouse. the focus shifts, from being husband, father, husband, Partner, and house support to only 1- Father 2- a strong Man.
> 
> work on yourself, hit the gym 7 days a week, if you are into reading then read more books that the majority of women like to read.


I want to believe this, but sometimes cheaters prosper and you have to dig your own way out of the hole alone. I'm 3 years into recovery, not quite there yet, but some things are really good. You don't realize the latent stress involved if you knew something was "off: for a while.


----------



## Rus47

TXTrini said:


> It's incredible how quickly your spouse can become your enemy, especially if you still love them.


His STBXW is already and has been for awhile his WORST enemy ever. Sex with AP in the marital bed!?! It gets no worse than that!!!


----------



## TXTrini

Rus47 said:


> His STBXW is already and has been for awhile his WORST enemy ever. Sex with AP in the marital bed!?! It gets no worse than that!!!


Yes. But I was trying not to kick the man while he was already down...


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## Rus47

TXTrini said:


> Yes. But I was trying not to kick the man while he was already down...


I certainly didnt intend kicking him. He knows what she is


----------



## drencrom

Mr.Married said:


> The man is not part of your marriage, however your wife is. She made a choice. Your anger is misdirected.


He is right and justified to be angry at the OM as well, just not more so than his wife.


----------



## drencrom

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Please tell me why this has happened to me.


Because your wife is an untrustworthy piece of s***. This is not on you. She is the one with garbage character here.

Think of it this way, I know it hurts now, but later when you stop grieving and getting angry with her you'll realize just how better off you'll be not having to look over your shoulder of live with the huss wondering if she'll ever do it again.

Yes, it sucks having to financially suffer as well because of what some adulterer piece of crap has done to upend your life, believe me, I know.

But when the smoke clears and you are out on your own again, trust me, you can breath easier and move on to a life without someone like that in it. If the OM plans on being with her, then let them be each other's problem. Just do not go easy on her in a divorce, because she won't on you. Tell your attorney to do whatever it takes to make sure she gets only what the law allows and nothing more...because she will try.


----------



## drencrom

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I found them in the act, wasn't a need to confront anyone. I got home early from work, went to walk the outside trash can to the back gate, and to the alley way dumpster, and there was a truck parked behind my house. Didn't think anything of it at first, but then noticed that all the curtains were drawn and blinds were shut tight. I opened my back door expecting to see her napping on our couch, or maybe showering. I heard them, her moaning like it was her first time, the sound of skin slapping, and MY BED creeking...my heart sank, and it hasn't stopped yet. I lost my S*** and ran in to the bedroom, he had her bent over, both completely naked. I put him in choke hold, and brought him down on top of me. I wanted to kill him. In my mind I was waiting for her to exclaim rape or something. Instead she started to yell at me, hitting me saying over and over to let him go because I was hurting him...I looked at her and my eyes felt like they sunk down with my heart, and my body slowly just let him go. I laid there for about 2 minutes, while they both quickly ran to the living room. I heard the back door shut, and her walking back to the bedroom. She came in and said "Well now you know, I'm sorry"


You should have thrown his ass outside naked. Would have been great to have thrown her outside naked as well, but that wouldn't look good in court.


----------



## SunCMars

drencrom said:


> He is right and justified to be angry at the OM as well, just not more so than his wife.


Yes.

This other man, the POSOM, went into another Lions den, into the Lions bed and had his way with his mate.
He soiled his mate, and soiled the bed with his dripping semen.

That takes a lot of gall, a tons worth of nerve.

Seriously.


----------



## So far so good

I’m sorry this happened to you, ask support from friends and family, you don’t have to hide your STBXWW ****ty behavior.

People here reads lots of infidelity stories and we get a “feel” of what type of cheater we read about. Your WW seems to be of a type that is very cold and will turn on you before you can get your balance back… PROTECT YOURSELF. Other posters had very good advice. “Now you know” is very cold, a wife caught in the act typically don’t say that.

Wear a VAR, only communicate to her in writing, and save everything.

STD test.

Expose her, seek help with friends and family, but with the truth

Detach from her.

Take 1/2 of joint accounts, do it now! Cancel any common credit cards.

As for the why… your WW is selfish. Imagine getting caught in the act of cheating, what would you say? Not “now you know”, because you have empathy. Your WW doesn’t.

Feel free to go to your home and burn your marital bed 

I’m sorry to say this, but consider DNA test your kids. It might not be her first time.

Post often, we’ve been through this and you will to.


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## Rus47

It sounds like this


CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I learned recently that he is a friend, of one of her girlfriends. Very suspicious about the girlfriend being an instigator of sorts, all though she could also be completely innocent in the matter.


So a FB of one of your STBXW's girlfriends. Birds of a feather so to speak. Both of them may have shared him together at the same time. Which means they all have whatever disease they encountered on their carossel. Do you live in a small town? He may be known "around town" to a lot of the women.

So, not to add to your burden, but you really ought to get tested for STDs, to put that issue to rest. If you know his name or any other information about him, give that to your attorney. If ought to be in the file.


----------



## Rus47

drencrom said:


> He is right and justified to be angry at the OM as well, just not more so than his wife.


Indeed.


----------



## So far so good

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I tried calling her


Keep the communication to a minimum. *She doesn’t deserve you*. If she wants to explain why she did this, it will all be bull. You only want to talk about subject relating to the children.

If she ever say “I did this because you did blah”. Your response: I’m sorry you feel that way. Don’t argue. You always do this! You never do that! You’re an a**h*le! -> I’m sorry you feel that way.

By refusing to argue, you are telling her that she’s unimportant, not worth your time.


----------



## drencrom

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It went well. I learned a lot. Im sure we just scratched the surface. I think I'm in over my head, but everyone has been absolutely right. It's time to think differently. I get caught in myself, and in emotion, then think about how this is still all a big ass dream. But reality kicks me in the teeth, and here we go.
> 
> I have a lot of homework to do, and some self adjusting. She (attorney) basically told me to create a world that my children will love. Play hardball and fight the fight that STBX brought on. But before I can do this, I need to establish myself as a single dad, living alone.


One thing I can tell you having gone through this, and I cannot stress this enough. 

DO NOT discuss anything about the divorce with her. She asks you a question, you tell her to have her attorney talk to yours. Contact your attorney as little as possible, ONLY when necessary to keep costs down. Let your attorney work for you.

And document EVERYTHING, dates and times if she says anything that can be perceived as threats, badmouthing you to the kids, etc.

It also sounds as if you will be getting your own place. So if you leave the marital home, and there is any equity in it, she will owe you 1/2 that equity. Make sure you go for it. It can offset your costs depending on how much the house is paid down.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I've covered all the obvious actions. I have a doctor appointment for next week, to get a full health screen. 
I've canceled ALL credit cards and locked my accounts. Went in to the bank and sat there for an hour also. 

Some of you have no damn filter. 
"Soiled the bed with his dripping semen"
Really?? You're obviously stronger then I am..
I get where you're going with this, and I realize you have my back on this. But man, I'm not really ready to hear all that just yet. 
And a DNA test?? If I had any inclination that my kids belonged to someone else, I would have thought it through years ago. But they look EXACTLY like me, they even carry my blood traits, certain things only my heritage shows. 
You have all been extremely helpful, forgive me for speaking out. Just needed to say what I feel.

Now...the part of throwing them outside naked...hindsight sucks...should have totally done that. I actually wouldn't care how it looked in court, and any Judge might even have thought that was the passionate and impulsive thing to do.


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I've covered all the obvious actions. I have a doctor appointment for next week, to get a full health screen.
> I've canceled ALL credit cards and locked my accounts. Went in to the bank and sat there for an hour also.
> 
> Some of you have no damn filter.
> "Soiled the bed with his dripping semen"
> Really?? You're obviously stronger then I am..
> I get where you're going with this, and I realize you have my back on this. But man, I'm not really ready to hear all that just yet.
> And a DNA test?? If I had any inclination that my kids belonged to someone else, I would have thought it through years ago. But they look EXACTLY like me, they even carry my blood traits, certain things only my heritage shows.
> You have all been extremely helpful, forgive me for speaking out. Just needed to say what I feel.
> 
> Now...the part of throwing them outside naked...hindsight sucks...should have totally done that. I actually wouldn't care how it looked in court, and any Judge might even have thought that was the passionate and impulsive thing to do.


That's awesome! You've definitely covered your ass, but you never answered when I asked if you considered getting therapy to help you deal with your feelings. You don't have to do any of this alone, and admitting that is not a weakness. 

Yes, I thought it was gross too. Please forgive us, some of us are a bit eager beaver because we're too used to passive men who spent months whining and doing absolutely nothing. You absolutely don't deserve that at all, good for you for standing up for yourself!

Well, it sounds like you're doing great. How have you been doing with self-care? That's particularly important atm, especially if you haven't been able to see the kids yet.


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## DownByTheRiver

Sorry you're going through a hard time and heartache. 

But people don't own people. And that's for the best.


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## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , @Vaughan went through this you are embarking on. He just arrived at the end of what you are beginning. He was a man of action like yourself. If he agreed to converse with you, it might be very worthwhile. His XW was a vindictive devious one. I suspect you are dealing with similar.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Self care...well, that's hasn't been my strong suit. I need to shave, I need to do laundry, most definitely not eating right let alone enough. I feel like I can't drink enough water...im so thirsty. I started breaking out like I just hit puberty. I used to enjoy a few beers in my 20s and 30s, and haven't really drank at all in my 40s...but the temptation has really been knocking at the door. Holding out tho.

I would like to think I'm stronger then therapy, and seeing a therapist, but the truth is, I may have to go. I just don't have anyone to talk to here. We were fairly new to this area, only 10 years. So I haven't established a strong friend base, and the ones that I can talk with are gone on the road working. Major conflicting schedules with all of them. My family is a half a country away, and I feel isolated now.
Also have to consider the fact that I won't be able to leave, until the kids are adult age. And when that day comes...what I see, is all 3 of us leaving. At least I hope. I mean honestly, how many single dads, raise quality children?

Mentally...im a mess. Self care I would consider 99% of my issue being mental. 

I run a side business also, and now that will suffer. I'll lose clientele, I'll owe on materials.
So that's been weighing on my mind also.

So, I did grab some things that are very personal to me when I went to the house. 
I play guitar, and grabbed my acoustic. Been playing a bit, and when I do, the hours seem to fly by.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I see that he agreed to converse. Honestly, it's his or her prerogative to do as they feel. But does that give someone the right, to just say what they know is the wrong thing to say?
It doesn't bother me, and I'm not offended.
I just wasn't ready for it lol...maybe when I'm at, where he's at, "at the end of where I'm beginning " I'll find it hilarious. Thats who I was last month...


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Self care...well, that's hasn't been my strong suit. I need to shave, I need to do laundry, most definitely not eating right let alone enough. I feel like I can't drink enough water...im so thirsty. I started breaking out like I just hit puberty. I used to enjoy a few beers in my 20s and 30s, and haven't really drank at all in my 40s...but the temptation has really been knocking at the door. Holding out tho.
> 
> I would like to think I'm stronger then therapy, and seeing a therapist, but the truth is, I may have to go. I just don't have anyone to talk to here. We were fairly new to this area, only 10 years. So I haven't established a strong friend base, and the ones that I can talk with are gone on the road working. Major conflicting schedules with all of them. My family is a half a country away, and I feel isolated now.
> Also have to consider the fact that I won't be able to leave, until the kids are adult age. And when that day comes...what I see, is all 3 of us leaving. At least I hope. I mean honestly, how many single dads, raise quality children?
> 
> Mentally...im a mess. Self care I would consider 99% of my issue being mental.
> 
> I run a side business also, and now that will suffer. I'll lose clientele, I'll owe on materials.
> So that's been weighing on my mind also.
> 
> So, I did grab some things that are very personal to me when I went to the house.
> I play guitar, and grabbed my acoustic. Been playing a bit, and when I do, the hours seem to fly by.


Ok, breathe.

First off, grab some protein shakes. I couldn't eat for weeks and I thought I'd throw up every time I tried, but you have to have sustenance to keep going.

No-one will die if you don't shave, unless you're at werewolf status and might frighten a small child, but you do need undies, so do your laundry.

Please don't drink, we're not going to blame the alcohol if you end up setting your old house on fire with choice people in therel... Ok, maybe that's my fantasy, but it's best to keep your wits about you. The guitar is wonderful! Keep playing and letting it keep you from thinking too much. Honestly, overthinking everything was the most painful, unproductive part of this whole upheaval and the more I occupied my mind, the better I became.

Therapy isn't about strength/weakness, it's about direction and efficiency. Why make things harder than they have to be? especially considering you just got the shock of a lifetime and are admidst one of the hardest things anyone would have to deal with in a lifetime. I'm not going to nag, just thought it would be especially useful to you, as you are isolated and need to deal. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and any support would be a God send.

Anyway, just make a list and knock things off as you can. Maybe it will help you see see things happening and help you to reestablish equilibrium. You truly are doing really well, so please don't feel weak, you're not at all.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I see that he agreed to converse. Honestly, it's his or her prerogative to do as they feel. But does that give someone the right, to just say what they know is the wrong thing to say?
> It doesn't bother me, and I'm not offended.
> I just wasn't ready for it lol...maybe when I'm at, where he's at, "at the end of where I'm beginning " I'll find it hilarious. Thats who I was last month...


I don't believe @Vaughan has posted on your thread. His last post anywhere was end of August when he updated where his divorce was final. It was someone else who posted what concerned you.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I want to believe that she feels embarrassed, stupid, lowlife status, for her to say and do these things.
> This weekend seemed like an eternity, but now here comes Monday real fast.
> The comment she made, makes me believe she had planned to tell me, or act on leaving in the future. Makes me wonder what that road would have entailed, and maybe I destroyed her plans by walking in on it.
> At this time I'm leaning towards feeling better about walking in. Maybe I'm just telling myself that in my own healing process to make myself feel better. But at the same time, it feels like I'm in a soap opera and only this kind of sh%$ happens on television.


Your wife is a typical cheater. Selfish people don’t care about anyone but themselves. Take her down off that pedestal you have her on.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I learned recently that he is a friend, of one of her girlfriends. Very suspicious about the girlfriend being an instigator of sorts, all though she could also be completely innocent in the matter. So I'm not going to speculate.
> 
> She hadn't said anything at all to lead me to believe she was unhappy, or irritated in our relationship. But she did hesitate to greet me like normal, when I'd get home after being gone for several days at a time. Sex seemed to taper off as of the last several months.
> To the point of me actually making plans for sex, and her kinda disagreeing with it. I actually got frustrated the last time, and said something to the effect of her needing it also. As it seems now, she may have not needed it, because she was already getting it.
> 
> I'll say this now also...the POSOM had been in my house more then once, now looking back and remembering things. My wife has always been a clean freak...anytime both of us would get out of bed, she would instantly make our bed, and tidy up. The bed was always made, regardless of the situation.
> I came home early not that long ago, and went in to my room to change clothes, and noticed the bed had been made, but looked like someone had laid on top of it disturbing the covers as if it had been wrestled on.
> A pair of her panties on the ground next to the bed. I didn't put any thoughts in to it, there was no reason to at the time. Maybe an uncomfortable nap, or headache is what I assumed.
> That day and night, she was very standoffish, and reluctant to be intimate or even compassionate to me being home.
> Idk...I feel like I'm speculating a lot now, and running all these events over in my head, trying to investigate the past. Trying to make sense of everything. Every time I do, I lead back to asking myself what went wrong. Why is he the one? Why did this happen, where did it start...turning myself sad again, and replaying it over again.
> It doesn't matter what I do at this point, I revert back to "why?" Why him, why me, what was wrong with me...so go ahead and fire away at me.


You cannot rationalize the irrational behavior of a cheater. They cheat because they want too.
You can only control you. Your time with your kids and nothing else.


----------



## Marc878

There is no way this isn’t going to suck. How long depends on you.
There is only one good path to follow in these situations.
Get some form of exercise started. Walk, join a gym, etc. you can’t think of two things at once.
Try and eat healthy. Good protein drinks help.
Cut contact with you x. Communication should be text or emails, kids and divorce only. Ignore anything else.
Any other contact will keep you bound up in this mess. I’ve know many and they all say no contact saved them.
You control you. Nothing else. Let her go. Start now. The quicker the better.
You old marriage and life have ended. It is time you start a new one.
Lose a cheater, gain a life.


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## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She wanted to file for emergency visitation and custody. Seeing as how I'm not in the home right now, she wants to just get visitation rights ordered, and when I get my own established dwelling, then go for custody.
> In turn she believes this will force visitation.
> She encouraged me to drop the bomb, and let everyone know what was going on, including STBX parents, as they are grandparents, and also would be included in visitation rights. Also my own parents.
> 
> I'm not good with listening and reading a bunch of legal verbiage, so it was clear as mud. Ill be in email contact with the attorney, while I go back to work.
> 
> I'm looking at paying through the nose for this, and it might be possible to gain back fees, and expenses, due to the situation and nature of the circumstances. I.e. her doing another man in my house, while me working and providing for a family, while she destroys it.
> I think I have a long road to travel, and much heartache in the future. As it is, the lawyer retainer has already put a dent in my budget. Ironically, it felt like a relief to right the check.


Sounds like good advice. You are paying her for a reason so follow her guidance.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I see now Rus, I was confused, my apologies


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## Marc878

A friend of mine went through this same scenario. He told me his biggest problem was seeing who his xwife really was. She was a very typical low class cheater. Nothing special at all. They are a dime a dozen.
It’s an extremely low class POS that destroys a marriage and family by having sex with someone in their home and husbands bed. Right now she’s sorry she got caught. Nothing more.
Work fast and file. It’s your only salvation.
Divorce is a business decision. Keep your emotions out of it. Finances matter!!!
Your wife’s lover was only taking what she was freely giving him. She’s the main culprit.
If he’s married inform his wife. It’s the right thing to do.


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## Marc878

Save yourself first. If you don’t you won’t be good for anyone. You have two kids who depend on you.
Sorry you’re here. Your wife has put you in a horrible position but it’s up to you to get yourself out of it.
Keep posting for more info. There is a wealth of information from those who have been where you are.
Take what you need and leave the rest.


----------



## jlg07

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Some of you have no damn filter.
> "Soiled the bed with his dripping semen"
> Really?? You're obviously stronger then I am..
> I get where you're going with this, and I realize you have my back on this. But man, I'm not really ready to hear all that just yet.


Yeah this is an "attempt" at giving you a 2x4 to try and jump start you into action -- VERY often here on TAM (and very often it drives folks away).
DO this -- take what makes sense to YOU and your situation from here, and ignore the rest. You have enough **** to worry about instead of this stuff, ok?


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Well said...thank you


----------



## So far so good

Good job on the accounts, bank etc…

So your WW is living in the house right now?

Is she trying to talk to you to “explain” ?


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

WW? Wicked witch? She text me today, 
asking if I would like to have the kids for the day. Assuming I would pick them up from school and have them til nightfall. 
My mind is reeling now, I think she's creating time to be alone with this guy. I've also considered that she is plotting to make me look bad, because I'll be working and won't have the time to spend with them already. I may need to take the day off again. And see where it goes. 
I dont know if she's actually there or not, I've kept my distance from the house. I would imagine she went back on Sunday, for kids clothes and school work. So she may be there. In short..I left, she lives in the house. 

She's smart. I can't see her trying to "explain" the situation. It was fairly straightforward. 

Time will tell I guess.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> short..I left, she lives in the house.


See you could throw monkey wrench in her fun by just moving back into YOUR house. What did your attorney recommend about that? Let her n OM find someplace else.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I've thought about this too...my vindictive side is starting to flex a little. I just don't want the kids to see any traumatic incidents, and also don't want them to wonder why they live with Steve now, and "where's our house?" type of feelings...
I'm not set up, especially with my job, to create a world that involves me having the kids 100% . Working on getting my situation squared away tho. This all just erupted very fast. 
I like the idea. I could put on a smiley face, if I have to. Living in a hotel and paying an attorney, plus all the bills that haven't even hit the mailbox yet, are going to add up quick.
I'll do anything for my kids, but not having a job, won't allow to do anything for my kids. My job is not the type someone gets out of, and we haven't much leeway for things like this.


----------



## Rus47

If you move back, keep your phone on record whenever she is around. @Vaughan wife accused him of DV falsely and if he hadnt had the VR to expose her lies, he would have gone to jail. I say again, your STBXW is your worst enrmy.


----------



## So far so good

You live in a hotel? Think about that… She cheats, she gets the house?

Do you have a spare bedroom?

In situations like this, the house belongs to both of you. You can’t kick her out, she can’t kick you out. She could try to kick you out by claiming false DV, so like the others have said, have a voice recorder with you.

If you move back in, tell her that as far as you’re concerned, she is no longer your wife. She can go date Steve or a whole football team, but not in your house. Because she is no longer your wife, don’t do anything for her. Cook separately, laundry etc… Don’t talk to her. Don’t pay her cell phone bill etc…

ETA: if she is as smart as you say, she could be reading this forum, so be careful what you write.
WW is Wayward Wife, but I like witch better  You will be fine, it will get better


----------



## SunCMars

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I've thought about this too...my vindictive side is starting to flex a little. I just don't want the kids to see any traumatic incidents, and also don't want them to wonder why they live with Steve now, and "where's our house?" type of feelings...
> I'm not set up, especially with my job, to create a world that involves me having the kids 100% . Working on getting my situation squared away tho. This all just erupted very fast.
> I like the idea. I could put on a smiley face, if I have to. Living in a hotel and paying an attorney, plus all the bills that haven't even hit the mailbox yet, are going to add up quick.
> I'll do anything for my kids, but not having a job, won't allow to do anything for my kids. My job is not the type someone gets out of, and we haven't much leeway for things like this.


Can you invite a relative or close friend, maybe someone who is retired and trustworthy to watch the children while you are working?

People do this all the time.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> WW? Wicked witch? She text me today,
> asking if I would like to have the kids for the day. Assuming I would pick them up from school and have them til nightfall.
> My mind is reeling now, I think she's creating time to be alone with this guy. I've also considered that she is plotting to make me look bad, because I'll be working and won't have the time to spend with them already. I may need to take the day off again. And see where it goes.
> I dont know if she's actually there or not, I've kept my distance from the house. I would imagine she went back on Sunday, for kids clothes and school work. So she may be there. In short..I left, she lives in the house.
> 
> She's smart. I can't see her trying to "explain" the situation. It was fairly straightforward.
> 
> Time will tell I guess.


You need as much support as you can get at this time. Her cheating is no reflection on you and it’s not you damn job to help hide their affair. Inform family and friends. 
If anyone says they don’t want to pick sides. They are picking sides and it’s not yours.
Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.
I suspect your cheating wife will pull this on you. Most do. It will be Al for her at your expense. 
Most cheaters use blame shifting to try and justify their actions. You left the toilet set up in February 2019 and it traumatized poor muffin and made her have an affair 😢


----------



## Marc878

SunCMars said:


> Can you invite a relative or close friend, maybe someone who is retired and trustworthy to watch the children while you are working?
> 
> People do this all the time.


This is why you need exposure. You’ll need all the help you can get.
Inform your boss or superiors. They’ve probably dealt with this before and can be a great source of support.


----------



## ABHale

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall, you are actually doing good for the ****show that has hit you broadside.

Follow the advice of your attorney.

I would let everyone know what has happened.

With the kids, let them know that mommy did something that has broken up the family. Let them know you love them and you will always be there for them. I don’t remember seeing their ages.

Stay strong for your kids.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

SunCMars said:


> Can you invite a relative or close friend, maybe someone who is retired and trustworthy to watch the children while you are working?
> 
> People do this all the time.


I've been looking. I don't have any relatives here. I do have a one person who I'm close with. But of course he's a guy, and works the same schedule. We work on call, and we work at 10.5 hours after being rested from the previous shift. We get called at any time of day or night. And when we're gone for up to 48 hours, return, repeat. We don't have scheduled rest days. We get 48 hours off, after completing a cycle of 3 trips. It's the worst schedule in our Nation's history and under fire at this moment. 20 or so days from striking and shutting the nation down. 

Went off topic there, but ya it's really hard to get in order. I had to seek out an attorney that deals with my type of career.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I've thought about this too...my vindictive side is starting to flex a little. I just don't want the kids to see any traumatic incidents, and also don't want them to wonder why they live with Steve now, and "where's our house?" type of feelings...
> I'm not set up, especially with my job, to create a world that involves me having the kids 100% . Working on getting my situation squared away tho. This all just erupted very fast.
> I like the idea. I could put on a smiley face, if I have to. Living in a hotel and paying an attorney, plus all the bills that haven't even hit the mailbox yet, are going to add up quick.
> I'll do anything for my kids, but not having a job, won't allow to do anything for my kids. My job is not the type someone gets out of, and we haven't much leeway for things like this.


Bud, your kids lives are already changed. They aren’t stupid. They may have seen more than you think.
Being a martyr is hard thankless work. You didn’t cause this but you will have to deal with it.
Many wait around living on hopium that the cheater will ‘get it’. The betrayed is the on that doesn’t ‘get it’.
That’s who they are and you can’t fix them. I know you’re in shock right now but the quicker you wake up to reality the better off you’re going to be.
The ones who get strong and stay there come out better than those who don’t.


----------



## Marc878

ABHale said:


> @CursiveWritingOnTheWall, you are actually doing good for the ****show that has hit you broadside.
> 
> Follow the advice of your attorney.
> 
> I would let everyone know what has happened.
> 
> With the kids, let them know that mommy did something that has broken up the family. Let them know you love them and you will always be there for them. I don’t remember seeing their ages.
> 
> Stay strong for your kids.


Mommy has a boyfriend. It’s Joe Blow. Chances are they know or have seen something.
She’s been having him in your home so.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

So far so good said:


> You live in a hotel? Think about that… She cheats, she gets the house?
> 
> Do you have a spare bedroom?
> 
> In situations like this, the house belongs to both of you. You can’t kick her out, she can’t kick you out. She could try to kick you out by claiming false DV, so like the others have said, have a voice recorder with you.
> 
> If you move back in, tell her that as far as you’re concerned, she is no longer your wife. She can go date Steve or a whole football team, but not in your house. Because she is no longer your wife, don’t do anything for her. Cook separately, laundry etc… Don’t talk to her. Don’t pay her cell phone bill etc…
> 
> ETA: if she is as smart as you say, she could be reading this forum, so be careful what you write.
> WW is Wayward Wife, but I like witch better  You will be fine, it will get better


I haven't even thought about that...good point. Hmmm


----------



## Marc878

So far so good said:


> You live in a hotel? Think about that… She cheats, she gets the house?
> 
> Do you have a spare bedroom?
> 
> In situations like this, the house belongs to both of you. You can’t kick her out, she can’t kick you out. She could try to kick you out by claiming false DV, so like the others have said, have a voice recorder with you.
> 
> If you move back in, tell her that as far as you’re concerned, she is no longer your wife. She can go date Steve or a whole football team, but not in your house. Because she is no longer your wife, don’t do anything for her. Cook separately, laundry etc… Don’t talk to her. Don’t pay her cell phone bill etc…
> 
> ETA: if she is as smart as you say, she could be reading this forum, so be careful what you write.
> WW is Wayward Wife, but I like witch better  You will be fine, it will get better


I’ve never seen a problem solved by running away from it.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Marc878 said:


> I’ve never seen a problem solved by running away from it.


Me neither


----------



## QuietRiot

I had to cohabitate with a traitor for 10 months. It was hell. If your lawyer says you’re good to get out of that house and get your own place and you can somehow afford it, I would recommend doing so.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry you're going through a hard time and heartache.
> 
> But people don't own people. And that's for the best.


Husbands might not own their wives; BUT wives OWE their husbands their FIDELITY!

Yes husbands owe their wives exactly the same, but I am addressing the context and intent of what was said as well as in the context of from whence it came.


----------



## Vaughan

Sorry about what you are going through.

If you can get back to living in your house I would. There are so many little things you don’t think about until you don’t have them. Plus, if you can pay the mortgage and your rent, that might hurt you when it comes to alimony. Ask your attorney.

Have a recording on, preferably video and audio, ANY time you are in her presence. You are guilty until proven innocent if she decides to amp up your pain with a fake domestic violence accusation.

I think you have already done this, but cancel all cards, close any shared accounts, and operate with cash as much as possible. Your check or direct deposit should go into a new account in your name only.

Emotions? I didn’t really sleep for 3 months after finding out. Now I’m at meh ( see chumplady.com ), and incredibly relieved.
13 months later I’m dating an incredible woman.


----------



## Rus47

SunCMars said:


> Can you invite a relative or close friend, maybe someone who is retired and trustworthy to watch the children while you are working?
> 
> People do this all the time.


The kids are his wife's too and she is the one not working. She has as much responsibility for caring for them as he does. Her parents live nearby. THOSE grandparents can pick up the slack watching the kids for their slutty daughter while she goes looking for a job ( which she needs to find ). She will have an attorney she will need to pay.

OP's family is half a country away on left coast if recall correctly. He said they moved to where they live now about a decade ago ( likely to be close to WW's family because that is what SHE wanted ).

BTW, I think she is dumb as a rock.


----------



## Rus47

So far so good said:


> ETA: if she is as smart as you say, she could be reading this forum, so be careful what you write.
> WW is Wayward Wife, but I like witch better  You will be fine, it will get better


@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , you can have this thread moved to the private forum by contacting one of the Mods, which is probably a good idea. That prevents just any random person from reading your thread.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I haven't even thought about that...good point. Hmmm


You can have an in-house separation, which could be formalized by a separation agreement. She gets the bedroom which you wouldn't want anyway. The house has more than one room.

Hotels are expensive! Why throw your money away?


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

All very valid points, and definitely will consider every avenue. 
Her parents moved out here a few years ago. They weren't that far from here to begin with. 
After the kids were born, they planned on moving here to be close and actually made the move. 
I'm sure she will use the hell out of them for every reason she can, or has to. I'm sure I'll have to deal with them also, which isn't a big deal to me because they really are nice people.


----------



## So far so good

As to the why?, your STBXWW enjoyed having the safe haven and the provider in you. She also enjoyed dating someone new who gives her compliments. She is a “cake eater”. The OM sleeps with married woman (en) and your STBXWW broke a good marriage and hurt her children for an ego boost. They are all below you.

The best way forward is to be calm and firm. Act decisively. She is no longer your wife. She made her choices and you are making your. You are reclaiming your life. She willprobably want to talk about this in the future. You don’t need to hear her lies and excuses. Your goal is to move on in your life and she’s irrelevant.

she is proposing a schedule for the kids that don’t suite you? Don’t respond, talk toyour lawyer.

you ex inlaws will root daughter, be careful

post often and stay strong.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> All very valid points, and definitely will consider every avenue.
> Her parents moved out here a few years ago. They weren't that far from here to begin with.
> After the kids were born, they planned on moving here to be close and actually made the move.
> I'm sure she will use the hell out of them for every reason she can, or has to. I'm sure I'll have to deal with them also, which isn't a big deal to me because they really are nice people.


Well that really stinks. Nice people that moved to be around their grandkids, only to have everything blown up by WW. Make sure they are included when you expose what’s going on. They will need to be there for the kids and they need to know the truth about their daughter. She doesn’t get to lie to those nice folks.

Blood is thicker than water, but at least they will have the truth. Infidelity affects everyone.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Walk up to horrible dreams, setting my tone for the day. 
How does this work out in the end? Idk, all I know is that where I am right now, isn't where I want to be. 
The worst part of my life, used to be the best part, and that changed over night. Having a hard time coping with this again, all of the sudden. I thought it was getting easier.
Right now I feel like I'm the calm before the storm, and now it's starting to pour down.
Having these plans and working all of this in to my life now, will not be easy. I watched my parents divorce, and my friends parents divorce, and always thought I'd make it unscathed. Damn was I wrong. 
After they went through this and I'm sure many other people too, they all seem to deteriorate and lose a little bit of their selves.
Never again to be the same.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> All very valid points, and definitely will consider every avenue.
> Her parents moved out here a few years ago. They weren't that far from here to begin with.
> After the kids were born, they planned on moving here to be close and actually made the move.
> I'm sure she will use the hell out of them for every reason she can, or has to. I'm sure I'll have to deal with them also, which isn't a big deal to me because they really are nice people.


If you move back home you will see your kids


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Walk up to horrible dreams, setting my tone for the day.
> How does this work out in the end? Idk, all I know is that where I am right now, isn't where I want to be.
> The worst part of my life, used to be the best part, and that changed over night. Having a hard time coping with this again, all of the sudden. I thought it was getting easier.
> Right now I feel like I'm the calm before the storm, and now it's starting to pour down.
> Having these plans and working all of this in to my life now, will not be easy. I watched my parents divorce, and my friends parents divorce, and always thought I'd make it unscathed. Damn was I wrong.
> After they went through this and I'm sure many other people too, they all seem to deteriorate and lose a little bit of their selves.
> Never again to be the same.


Unfortunately, the rollercoaster ride doesn’t end anytime soon. And neither do those nightmares. Betrayal sucks. But you’re doing the right thing, let it out. Talk about it.

Let mornings like this remind you of why you’re seeing a lawyer, why you’re exposing her, why you’re fighting her every step of the way. Use it to build your strength for the long road still ahead.

Stay strong my friend 💪


----------



## So far so good

What’s your plan going forward?
Is your Soon To Be X Wayward Wife (STBXWW) trying to talk to you?


----------



## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , another benefit of returning home is your STBXW could decide to move her n kids in with her parents. Which would actually make the most sense. Kids cared for by relatives who love them and don't have a work schedule. STBXW can look for employment and start working. If she is working it reduces your burden. 

If she is as smart as you claim she will see moving to her parents would be a good move.

BTW be sure to let her parents know this wasn't your choice, it is a shyt sandwich she delivered. She surely has told them a pack of lies, they need to at least hear your side IMHO. 

If they are the good people you think they are, they will hear you out. And they may already know about Steve. If not, tell them his name.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Walk up to horrible dreams, setting my tone for the day.
> How does this work out in the end? Idk, all I know is that where I am right now, isn't where I want to be.
> The worst part of my life, used to be the best part, and that changed over night. Having a hard time coping with this again, all of the sudden. I thought it was getting easier.
> Right now I feel like I'm the calm before the storm, and now it's starting to pour down.
> Having these plans and working all of this in to my life now, will not be easy. I watched my parents divorce, and my friends parents divorce, and always thought I'd make it unscathed. Damn was I wrong.
> After they went through this and I'm sure many other people too, they all seem to deteriorate and lose a little bit of their selves.
> Never again to be the same.


Accept that life right now sucks. You will get though it.


----------



## drencrom

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I've covered all the obvious actions. I have a doctor appointment for next week, to get a full health screen.
> I've canceled ALL credit cards and locked my accounts. Went in to the bank and sat there for an hour also.
> 
> Some of you have no damn filter.
> "Soiled the bed with his dripping semen"
> Really?? You're obviously stronger then I am..
> I get where you're going with this, and I realize you have my back on this. But man, I'm not really ready to hear all that just yet.


Well, I wasn't one of those that put it quite that harsh. But I have to people in the past. The reasons, IMO, some put it in a non-filtered way like that is that too many men, and women, will be stricken with grief they don't see it for what it actually is.

I was the same way, I didn't want to believe it and wanted to think it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Then the mind movies started and I saw the act of infidelity for what it was. It was a nasty, disgusting act of betrayal in which the cheater's most heathenistic side comes out....and with someone else.

So yes, while it might be triggering, I think it's good that you see it in the light it actually is....so that way you stop the grieving and start getting angry.

Yes all, I said it, he needs to get angry. That way he doesn't become a doormat during this whole process.




> And a DNA test?? If I had any inclination that my kids belonged to someone else, I would have thought it through years ago. But they look EXACTLY like me, they even carry my blood traits, certain things only my heritage shows.


I get it. And just like me, I'm sure, even if you found out one or all of them were not yours, you'd still consider them yours. If that is the case, no, no DNA test needed. You are their father. 



> Now...the part of throwing them outside naked...hindsight sucks...should have totally done that. I actually wouldn't care how it looked in court, and any Judge might even have thought that was the passionate and impulsive thing to do.


LOL, I suggested that one. You'd be justified in doing it to him. He is an intruder in your home no matter if she invited him or not.

But if you did it to her, it would be seen as assault. So it may not play out in court since division of marital assets is not dependent on things like that, even infidelity(which is a load of crap).

But you might have spent some time in jail. But damn, wouldn't that have been satisfying though?


----------



## Butforthegrace

I would urge you to move back into the home and use your lawyer to go after your case "both barrels blazing", as they say. Divorce courts tend to favor mothers/wives and disfavor fathers/husbands. You moving out of the home could be interpreted under the laws of some states as a species of abandonment. You could easily be losing your rights and undercutting your case by staying in a hotel.

I realize it's difficult to be belligerent and combative when you are suffering from the trauma and humiliation of infidelity, but I sense that your WW is several steps ahead of you at this point and is weaponizing your trauma against you in subtle ways that you are allowing by being passive with respect to your rights. This can impact you for the rest of your life. The time is now to "put up your dukes and fight", as they say in the movies.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I found them in the act, wasn't a need to confront anyone. I got home early from work, went to walk the outside trash can to the back gate, and to the alley way dumpster, and there was a truck parked behind my house. Didn't think anything of it at first, but then noticed that all the curtains were drawn and blinds were shut tight. I opened my back door expecting to see her napping on our couch, or maybe showering. I heard them, her moaning like it was her first time, the sound of skin slapping, and MY BED creeking...my heart sank, and it hasn't stopped yet. I lost my S*** and ran in to the bedroom, he had her bent over, both completely naked. I put him in choke hold, and brought him down on top of me. I wanted to kill him. In my mind I was waiting for her to exclaim rape or something. Instead she started to yell at me, hitting me saying over and over to let him go because I was hurting him...I looked at her and my eyes felt like they sunk down with my heart, and my body slowly just let him go. I laid there for about 2 minutes, while they both quickly ran to the living room. I heard the back door shut, and her walking back to the bedroom. She came in and said "Well now you know, I'm sorry"


You are a better man than me. There may have been two” casualties of war”if I encountered such a situation.I busted my wife, however, had I busted her in the act as you did yours there would be no reconciliation. “Well now you know, I’m sorry”?!!! WTF. If her attitude is as cavalier as her comment comes across to me, she is not worthy of reconciliation.

This **** is rough on the mind,body, and heart. Get yourself into the gym and use your stress as a catalyst to get into better shape, read up on the 180 and implement it, See a lawyer and get her gone.

I would strongly encourage you to seek out good legal counsel. Have her served and get her out of your life. That comment “Well now you know”….damn that is one callous ***** you have for a wife.

As I have advised others, consider reading Larry Winget’s “Grow A Pair”. Good and easy read about taking no ****.


----------



## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Walk up to horrible dreams, setting my tone for the day.
> How does this work out in the end? Idk, all I know is that where I am right now, isn't where I want to be.
> The worst part of my life, used to be the best part, and that changed over night. Having a hard time coping with this again, all of the sudden. I thought it was getting easier.
> Right now I feel like I'm the calm before the storm, and now it's starting to pour down.
> Having these plans and working all of this in to my life now, will not be easy. I watched my parents divorce, and my friends parents divorce, and always thought I'd make it unscathed. Damn was I wrong.
> After they went through this and I'm sure many other people too, they all seem to deteriorate and lose a little bit of their selves.
> Never again to be the same.


Spoiler alert, you end up JUST FINE! 

I lost count of of men that come back and post a month to year or more after they divorce to say “I am doing amazing!”, they regret nothing and want everyone to know there is nothing to fear. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you’re going to be better than you ever imagined one day. For now, just survive.


----------



## So far so good

QuietRiot said:


> I lost count of of men that come back and post a month to year or more after they divorce to say “I am doing amazing!”, they regret nothing and want everyone to know there is nothing to fear. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you’re going to be better than you ever imagined one day. For now, just survive.


I kept a very scientific and accurate count of the BS who divorced their cheating spouse and regretted divorcing them:

zero.


----------



## re16

The person you thought your wife was doesn't exist. That was who she wanted you to believe she was. Who she actually was and is, is what you saw in that bedroom, and what she said after.

It is ok to mourn the loss of the life you had together, now that you know the truth. That is a real loss, even though it never actually existed how you believed it did.

That said, you should be pretty angry that she was willing to put the life and family you built, and all your efforts for the two of you, out the window for her own selfish reasons.

Move through these stages with action, and let that anger drive that. I mean internal, quiet anger... nothing outward.

There is an old quote: "when you are going through hell, keep going".... if you don't act, you'll be in the same hell you are in for longer.

You have been rocked to the core, but you can get your life back, and frankly be better than before... as you are older and wiser.

I would move back in your house. She screwed up, she can leave. Follow the advice about protecting yourself from a DV claim.

What she is doing with not allowing you to see your kids is unacceptable.

I would think you vacating the house benefits her, not you, in custody dealings etc.

I would move in and tell everyone that knows you both what happened before she spins a different narrative with them.

Sorry this happened to you...


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## re16

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Instead she started to yell at me, hitting me


So I've known a couple friends who recently went through a divorce. Both the females used the same attorney service.

The first move the females made, was to file a restraining order against the male. In both situations, the orders were proven false... but it took about six months.

In the meantime, the males could not visit the children unsupervised.

The fact that she hit you, what I would do is a file a police report, and restraining order (and one to the dude also)...

She will have to prove you wrong, and it will take time.

You need to be aggresive about protecting your life / custody / assets etc.

If you file one against the guy, he won't be able to come to your address without violating, so your wife will not want to be there anyway....

Key is that your house has to be your address.

ETA: If you don't do something similar to the above, lover boy will be living in your house and sleeping in your bed with your kids at home before you know it.


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## Megaforce

drencrom said:


> Well, I wasn't one of those that put it quite that harsh. But I have to people in the past. The reasons, IMO, some put it in a non-filtered way like that is that too many men, and women, will be stricken with grief they don't see it for what it actually is.
> 
> I was the same way, I didn't want to believe it and wanted to think it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Then the mind movies started and I saw the act of infidelity for what it was. It was a nasty, disgusting act of betrayal in which the cheater's most heathenistic side comes out....and with someone else.
> 
> So yes, while it might be triggering, I think it's good that you see it in the light it actually is....so that way you stop the grieving and start getting angry.
> 
> Yes all, I said it, he needs to get angry. That way he doesn't become a doormat during this whole process.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I get it. And just like me, I'm sure, even if you found out one or all of them were not yours, you'd still consider them yours. If that is the case, no, no DNA test needed. You are their father.
> 
> 
> 
> LOL, I suggested that one. You'd be justified in doing it to him. He is an intruder in your home no matter if she invited him or not.
> 
> But if you did it to her, it would be seen as assault. So it may not play out in court since division of marital assets is not dependent on things like that, even infidelity(which is a load of crap).
> 
> But you might have spent some time in jail. But damn, wouldn't that have been satisfying though?


Actually, an assault would be factored into division of assets in my jurisdiction. Thus the reason some attorneys have vised their clients to falsify DV claims.


----------



## re16

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I play guitar, and grabbed my acoustic. Been playing a bit, and when I do, the hours seem to fly by.


Guitar is great therapy, what kind of acoustic?

Next time you are strumming, think about this:

Your wife declared war on you and your kids by doing what she did. Whether you like it or not, YOU ARE AT WAR.

I guarantee she and her close friends are strategizing against you as I write this. And she has had time to prepare mentally, plan ahead, etc. for this because I'm sure she knew if she got caught, this was coming.

The outcome of this war will have a permanent affect on the rest of your and your kids' lives... you need to go on offense.

Is there some kind of paid leave for disability at your job? Tell a doc what happened and have the doc approve a couple of weeks so you can move back home and handle business. I'd tell your boss your situation. Burn up your PTO, ask for sabbatical. There is a way you can get some time and have income keep coming....

Put a DVR with cameras inside your house and try to hang out in front of one at all times (obviously, tell her it is there).


----------



## Megaforce

Butforthegrace said:


> I would urge you to move back into the home and use your lawyer to go after your case "both barrels blazing", as they say. Divorce courts tend to favor mothers/wives and disfavor fathers/husbands. You moving out of the home could be interpreted under the laws of some states as a species of abandonment. You could easily be losing your rights and undercutting your case by staying in a hotel.
> 
> I realize it's difficult to be belligerent and combative when you are suffering from the trauma and humiliation of infidelity, but I sense that your WW is several steps ahead of you at this point and is weaponizing your trauma against you in subtle ways that you are allowing by being passive with respect to your rights. This can impact you for the rest of your life. The time is now to "put up your dukes and fight", as they say in the movies.


This is good advice. My dad said much the same to me. He was a very good trial lawyer and handled divorces, among other things.
He told me he had represented men in my position and they often were in so much pain they gave away the store just to get things over. What happens now affects you for a long time. Do not make unnecessary concessions. Let your attorney do her job.


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## re16

Also, if you haven't given the retainer yet, you should talk to at least two other attorneys to get their take.

They will have different styles and strategies. The fact the first one said you need to establish as a single dad outside the home is unusual advice from what I've seen around here over the past decade, and that was female friendly advice from my perspective. I think typically, you see the female attorneys advocating for the female side and males on the male side... not that the other way never works, but that is what is typically occurring.

Best part about seeing multiple attorneys is that your wife won't be able to use them since you've already talked to them, even if you don't hire them.

On that vein, I would go see 10 if you have time.... the more she calls attorneys and hears: "sorry we've already talked to your husband", the better.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

What is a soul mate exactly? A person that you connect with so deeply, that you would be willing to do everything and anything for them. Someone you would love and care for, for the rest of either of your lives. Someone that you can talk to, and share your thoughts and personal experiences without judgements and blame. 
BUT, nature, God, individualism kicks in, and says "Nope, just kidding, she's not the one...sorry buddy, maybe next time"
This roller coaster is off the tracks, and the mind movies are in technicolor now.
I'm getting angrier and feeling spiteful, which is not me. I'm out of my shell. 
I read Spaceghosts story, and wow...what a guy. One of the most heartfelt and real things I've ever read. Maybe because that's me right now. Or is it?? His wife screwed up and felt remorse. She seemed like his soul mate, only to shove the knife in, and drop the knife. My wife shoved it in and twisted it. 
His wife wanted to be there, start over, and probably would be faithful til the last breath for that matter, who knows. I know one thing now. I don't believe mine would. I think she would do it again. Either way I could never trust her to be faithful. Over what too?? Sex?
Love? The rush? 
I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself right now, and it's turning to anger. Holding back the thoughts of just simply beating this guy's a**, and having STBX watch...I think ill be leaving the W out of the acronym now. She doesn't deserve the W even in retrospect. 

I did get a message from her stating that she was sorry, she messed up, is there any way to work through this?? Blah blah...my suspicion were correct. She just wants to look good in front of others. 
I'm going back to my house. 
I was supposed to pick up the kids today, after school, as we worked it out. Instead, at the last minute, she says that her dad will be getting them, and they will be staying there with Grandma and Grandpa for a few days.

I'll be at home, and I think 2 particular people might show up there, or at least drive by, and not stop after they see my truck in the driveway. A part of me would really like for them to actually try and come here, and even get out of OM truck. 
I'm prepared to record everything, and you bet your a** I will be. 

Soul mates....ha, trickery. 
45 years of working up to this point. That's half a lifetime for me. Sh** I may even be past halftime. All I know, is that I don't know sh**.

I'm sorry if I haven't responded to some, or most of you. I believe that if someone has you on their mind and cares to write to you, you should read it. I will when I can see the words again. 

Tell me I'm reading in to this too far, tell me that there are truthful people, and kind loving people left. Tell me that this is all still a dream, Tell me I have a way out, and someone give me that fast forward button.

I read these stories of other people, and start to think about how disappointing people are. I wish this happened to JUST ME...but no, they're everywhere. Where's the integrity in human kind? 

Holding back on just taking my Sawzall and chopping the whole house in half, and everything in it.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Tell me I'm reading in to this too far, tell me that there are truthful people, and kind loving people left.


The stories you read on TAM are from people who went through what you are going through. They all survived and thrived. Where you are now everything of course seems bleak. Reread what @Vaughan wrote. Three months of misery to a new happy existence 13 months start to finish. 

You don't read stories about faithful loving people on this site, especially in the infidelity section. You read about the derelicts male and female willing to destroy other people ( including little children ) for a tingle in their crotch.

By way of contrast, FWIW here is a story about my wife of 56 years. One the kindest, most loving people you would ever meet. I can honestly say don't believe she has *capacity* to lie about *anything. *I can't recall a single instance when she has lied about anything. And she had a very hard life as a child, born and raised in poverty. A refugee from war. She came through it and still loves people.

There are good loving people everywhere. They don't make the nightly news or toot their own horn. But they are there.


----------



## So far so good

Take that energy and burn it by exercising. You will get fitter and more attractive. You will show your STBX what she is missing rubbing it in.

You don’t need to reply to her message. Giving her any angry message back will show her how much she hurt you.

There is a lot of good women out there. If you let what your STBX affect you, “she wins”. My xWW cheated on me. I D her, eventually met a wonderful woman and I’m happy. My xWW is alone, poor and miserable. She is stuck with a broken person, a cheater, herself. She was bound to self destruct and your STBX will to. You don’t need to do anything… She is perfectly capable of sabotaging her life.

Like Spaceghost said: We had a good marriage,You decided to cheat, the one thing that would make me D you. I wish you the best in your future with Steve or whoever you choose. Bye.

You handle this with purpose. *You will be fine*, she will not. You’re 45? You are young. Is you STBX 45 as well? A 40ish women divorced because she’s a cheater? LOL good luck.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> What is a soul mate exactly? A person that you connect with so deeply, that you would be willing to do everything and anything for them. Someone you would love and care for, for the rest of either of your lives. Someone that you can talk to, and share your thoughts and personal experiences without judgements and blame.
> BUT, nature, God, individualism kicks in, and says "Nope, just kidding, she's not the one...sorry buddy, maybe next time"
> This roller coaster is off the tracks, and the mind movies are in technicolor now.
> I'm getting angrier and feeling spiteful, which is not me. I'm out of my shell.
> I read Spaceghosts story, and wow...what a guy. One of the most heartfelt and real things I've ever read. Maybe because that's me right now. Or is it?? His wife screwed up and felt remorse. She seemed like his soul mate, only to shove the knife in, and drop the knife. My wife shoved it in and twisted it.
> His wife wanted to be there, start over, and probably would be faithful til the last breath for that matter, who knows. I know one thing now. I don't believe mine would. I think she would do it again. Either way I could never trust her to be faithful. Over what too?? Sex?
> Love? The rush?
> I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself right now, and it's turning to anger. Holding back the thoughts of just simply beating this guy's a**, and having STBX watch...I think ill be leaving the W out of the acronym now. She doesn't deserve the W even in retrospect.
> 
> I did get a message from her stating that she was sorry, she messed up, is there any way to work through this?? Blah blah...my suspicion were correct. She just wants to look good in front of others.
> I'm going back to my house.
> I was supposed to pick up the kids today, after school, as we worked it out. Instead, at the last minute, she says that her dad will be getting them, and they will be staying there with Grandma and Grandpa for a few days.
> 
> I'll be at home, and I think 2 particular people might show up there, or at least drive by, and not stop after they see my truck in the driveway. A part of me would really like for them to actually try and come here, and even get out of OM truck.
> I'm prepared to record everything, and you bet your a** I will be.
> 
> Soul mates....ha, trickery.
> 45 years of working up to this point. That's half a lifetime for me. Sh** I may even be past halftime. All I know, is that I don't know sh**.
> 
> I'm sorry if I haven't responded to some, or most of you. I believe that if someone has you on their mind and cares to write to you, you should read it. I will when I can see the words again.
> 
> Tell me I'm reading in to this too far, tell me that there are truthful people, and kind loving people left. Tell me that this is all still a dream, Tell me I have a way out, and someone give me that fast forward button.
> 
> I read these stories of other people, and start to think about how disappointing people are. I wish this happened to JUST ME...but no, they're everywhere. Where's the integrity in human kind?
> 
> Holding back on just taking my Sawzall and chopping the whole house in half, and everything in it.


@CursiveWritingOnTheWall As much suck as this brings to your life, you are really stepping up to the plate in all the right ways. 

✅Find your anger but channel it for good.
✅Put STBX in the “enemy” category
✅See through her BS attempts to manipulate you
✅Take back what is yours
✅VAR up
✅Get a lawyer and move quickly

I know this hurts like hell and there’s no fast forward button. But there is an end. Toughest thing you ever had to do, but just do it, one step at a time. You got this.

And yes, there are good and truthful people out there. But just start with finding the one in the mirror and everyone else can wait.


----------



## QuietRiot

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall, I’m sorry you’re part of the club. But the club is here. We know what you’re feeling. 

I wish I could give you a massive hug friend. Breathe.


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> What is a soul mate exactly? A person that you connect with so deeply, that you would be willing to do everything and anything for them. Someone you would love and care for, for the rest of either of your lives. Someone that you can talk to, and share your thoughts and personal experiences without judgements and blame.
> BUT, nature, God, individualism kicks in, and says "Nope, just kidding, she's not the one...sorry buddy, maybe next time"
> This roller coaster is off the tracks, and the mind movies are in technicolor now.
> I'm getting angrier and feeling spiteful, which is not me. I'm out of my shell.
> I read Spaceghosts story, and wow...what a guy. One of the most heartfelt and real things I've ever read. Maybe because that's me right now. Or is it?? His wife screwed up and felt remorse. She seemed like his soul mate, only to shove the knife in, and drop the knife. My wife shoved it in and twisted it.
> His wife wanted to be there, start over, and probably would be faithful til the last breath for that matter, who knows. I know one thing now. I don't believe mine would. I think she would do it again. Either way I could never trust her to be faithful. Over what too?? Sex?
> Love? The rush?
> I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself right now, and it's turning to anger. Holding back the thoughts of just simply beating this guy's a**, and having STBX watch...I think ill be leaving the W out of the acronym now. She doesn't deserve the W even in retrospect.
> 
> I did get a message from her stating that she was sorry, she messed up, is there any way to work through this?? Blah blah...my suspicion were correct. She just wants to look good in front of others.
> I'm going back to my house.
> I was supposed to pick up the kids today, after school, as we worked it out. Instead, at the last minute, she says that her dad will be getting them, and they will be staying there with Grandma and Grandpa for a few days.
> 
> I'll be at home, and I think 2 particular people might show up there, or at least drive by, and not stop after they see my truck in the driveway. A part of me would really like for them to actually try and come here, and even get out of OM truck.
> I'm prepared to record everything, and you bet your a** I will be.
> 
> Soul mates....ha, trickery.
> 45 years of working up to this point. That's half a lifetime for me. Sh** I may even be past halftime. All I know, is that I don't know sh**.
> 
> I'm sorry if I haven't responded to some, or most of you. I believe that if someone has you on their mind and cares to write to you, you should read it. I will when I can see the words again.
> 
> Tell me I'm reading in to this too far, tell me that there are truthful people, and kind loving people left. Tell me that this is all still a dream, Tell me I have a way out, and someone give me that fast forward button.
> 
> I read these stories of other people, and start to think about how disappointing people are. I wish this happened to JUST ME...but no, they're everywhere. Where's the integrity in human kind?
> 
> Holding back on just taking my Sawzall and chopping the whole house in half, and everything in it.


I used to think my ex was my soul mate too, we were together for nearly 20 yrs, endured neatly 7 yrs long distance before we married. We were that couple who did everything together, even our families got along. It really shocked everyone when the truth came out after DD, my exs mother got a stroke. 

Unfortunately, you never know someone as well as you think, unless they are completely honest with you. I stayed through some very hard circumstances, even when I felt lonely and unloved waiting for that person to come back to me, he never did. Instead he left me to pick myself up in a foreign country and start my life again after I'd barely recovered from major surgery.

I am not the same person I was, but I survived and you will too. You will do what you have to because there's no alternative , especially for your children. One day, you'll meet someone who makes you glad your ex revealed herself so spectacularly and it will fade in time. Even if you don't, you're in the driver seat now amd can remake your life as you see fit and be the best example for your children. God knows their mother sure isn't one.

There ARE good, loving people out there. I'm 3 years out from DD, over 2.5 D and I actually got really lucky and met a very decent, loving honest man, we've been together for quite a while now. He's also been cheated on, and been down a much harder road (that' hasn't ended) than yours (I hope!). I'm a very untrusting, skeptical person, even before, so you know it took a LONG time to trust.

Anyway, neither one of us allowed our experience to warp us into mistreating others or change who we wanted to be. It's becoming something really special, a more mature, unselfish kind of love that I hope lasts. I never thought I'd see the day when I was actually glad my ex did what he did. 

Just know that none of this is about you or your worth, and there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, even though it feels that way when it's raw. One day at a time, one little victory upon another, use that angrer to propel you forward!


----------



## Sparky282

I’m so sorry. Honestly you are handling this well considering how awful this is.

you should get back to your house. One of the biggest mistakes men make is leaving the house.

also you will need as much money as you can right now and hotels are expensive.

let her stay with her parents and start working on shared custody as much as possible. You need to be spending time with your kids. For legal reasons as well as you long term mental health.

When you get there toss out all the bedroom furniture. Then get everything that is yours out of there and shut the door and leave it closed. Don’t toss out her personal belongings just the furniture.

expose her to all close friends and family.

You need to sell the house. You can never live there again no matter what and you don’t want her living there with your family as it will always be a trigger for you. You are stuck with her somewhat until the kids are older so you can at least make sure that monument to her betrayal is no longer around.

split the money 50 50 with her so you can both start over.

I would not respond to her about anything but the children. There is no chance at reconciliation as this betrayal was too out of nowhere and you will never trust her again.

also you will never forget that day. That was one of the most traumatic things that could happen to somebody. You will always remember no matter what but you can make it better by leaving everything from that life behind except the kids. The way they help shoulders with PTSD is first getting them away from the war zone.

you need to make all this happen as well as divorce happen as quick as possible. Only moving on will you begin to heal. There is no healing while you are going through the separation. It only begins afterwards so go warp speed.

stay in contact with your lawyer, play as much hardball as possible as long as it does not make splitting take too much longer.

I know the thoughts about revenge are not under your control but you need to stay in control. If she does bring him by contact your lawyer and see what you can do about stopping him. Call her family on the spot. Keep your kids with you as much as possible.

don’t engage with her. If she tries to talk just tell her yiu will never forget that day and there is no way to overcome it (because there really is no way to overcome it). Tell her you need to be apart and only talk about children and that you will make this as quick as possible. Don’t let her sucker you in. Then make everything as quick as possible.

get out of that house.
Sell the house. 
get the divorce.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of your kids. (But don’t let them be used against you in any way) 

kids move all the time for non evil reasons. There is no way to shield them from this. Their lives are destroyed as well. All you can do is make a good new life for them and hopefully your ex has the same mentality and makes their new separate life good for them as well.

if she doesn’t well they can just stay with you more.

the best revenge is a life well lived.

im so sorry for what happened to you. You did not deserve this. Good luck!


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Walk up to horrible dreams, setting my tone for the day.
> How does this work out in the end? Idk, all I know is that where I am right now, isn't where I want to be.
> The worst part of my life, used to be the best part, and that changed over night. Having a hard time coping with this again, all of the sudden. I thought it was getting easier.
> Right now I feel like I'm the calm before the storm, and now it's starting to pour down.
> Having these plans and working all of this in to my life now, will not be easy. I watched my parents divorce, and my friends parents divorce, and always thought I'd make it unscathed. Damn was I wrong.
> After they went through this and I'm sure many other people too, they all seem to deteriorate and lose a little bit of their selves.
> Never again to be the same.


Not necessarily. I know two with young kids who traded way up and have a much better life. In the beginning they had the same thoughts you have now. Stay out of the victim chair. It’s depressing and won’t get you a thing.
Easier said than done and may not look like it now but you don’t have much of a choice but to forge ahead.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> What is a soul mate exactly? A person that you connect with so deeply, that you would be willing to do everything and anything for them. Someone you would love and care for, for the rest of either of your lives. Someone that you can talk to, and share your thoughts and personal experiences without judgements and blame.
> BUT, nature, God, individualism kicks in, and says "Nope, just kidding, she's not the one...sorry buddy, maybe next time"
> This roller coaster is off the tracks, and the mind movies are in technicolor now.
> I'm getting angrier and feeling spiteful, which is not me. I'm out of my shell.
> I read Spaceghosts story, and wow...what a guy. One of the most heartfelt and real things I've ever read. Maybe because that's me right now. Or is it?? His wife screwed up and felt remorse. She seemed like his soul mate, only to shove the knife in, and drop the knife. My wife shoved it in and twisted it.
> His wife wanted to be there, start over, and probably would be faithful til the last breath for that matter, who knows. I know one thing now. I don't believe mine would. I think she would do it again. Either way I could never trust her to be faithful. Over what too?? Sex?
> Love? The rush?
> I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself right now, and it's turning to anger. Holding back the thoughts of just simply beating this guy's a**, and having STBX watch...I think ill be leaving the W out of the acronym now. She doesn't deserve the W even in retrospect.
> 
> *I did get a message from her stating that she was sorry, she messed up, is there any way to work through this?? Blah blah...my suspicion were correct. She just wants to look good in front of others.*
> I'm going back to my house.
> I was supposed to pick up the kids today, after school, as we worked it out. Instead, at the last minute, she says that her dad will be getting them, and they will be staying there with Grandma and Grandpa for a few days.
> 
> I'll be at home, and I think 2 particular people might show up there, or at least drive by, and not stop after they see my truck in the driveway. A part of me would really like for them to actually try and come here, and even get out of OM truck.
> I'm prepared to record everything, and you bet your a** I will be.
> 
> Soul mates....ha, trickery.
> 45 years of working up to this point. That's half a lifetime for me. Sh** I may even be past halftime. All I know, is that I don't know sh**.
> 
> I'm sorry if I haven't responded to some, or most of you. I believe that if someone has you on their mind and cares to write to you, you should read it. I will when I can see the words again.
> 
> Tell me I'm reading in to this too far, tell me that there are truthful people, and kind loving people left. Tell me that this is all still a dream, Tell me I have a way out, and someone give me that fast forward button.
> 
> I read these stories of other people, and start to think about how disappointing people are. I wish this happened to JUST ME...but no, they're everywhere. Where's the integrity in human kind?
> 
> Holding back on just taking my Sawzall and chopping the whole house in half, and everything in it.


Bud, she’s only sorry she got caught. Expect her to try and love bomb you. She’ll be wanting a rugsweep. 
If you haven’t inform the other man’s wife if he’s married. She may be going through hell and not know why.

You aren’t the first or last to go through this. You have lots of good company here. 
You are correct. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon. Plus this may not be her first rodeo. As you reflect back you’ll probably see things you missed or ignored. There is nothing more disrespectful than bringing an affair into the home and marital bed.
Her behavior is no reflection on you. It’s all on her. If anyone asked what was wrong just tell them you don’t like her new boyfriend.


----------



## Marc878

Beware!!!! Cake eaters don’t like it when you stop feeding them.


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## Marc878

Be very careful around her. False domestic violence charges happen. Voice activated recorders are a must in your situation. You can’t trust anything. Do not tell her your plans, etc.
Many never get the truth upfront like you have. You may not see it yet but many get lied to and treated like crap and can’t figure out why. Living in limbo is another kind of hell. 
Expect blame shifting. Don’t be surprised at her trying to put this on you. 
Blood is thicker than water so expect her parents to side with her. No matter what.
Keep posting for more info.


----------



## So far so good

I was about to post the same thing as @Marc878 . She went to her parents to wait for things to calm down.

now she’s figuring… “I don’t want to lose that protection at home let’s negotiate. Next time I see him, I’ll give him lot’s of sex, he’ll forget and in month or two I’ll get back to my lover”.

How do we know? The mostly all behave the same. For men-cheater, it would be “I’ll buy her flowers, tell her she’s the only one I love and it’ll go away”. Same thing. Same idiots. They have no idea how they hurt their spouse.

She will probably tell you: “I didn’t love him,it was only sex”. It baffles me that women don’t understand that’s the absolute worst thing to say to their husband.

Stay radio silent. You will detach, and, as a bonus, she will panic. The opposite of love is indifference.


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## whammyface

Have you told her parents and both your friends? You need to. You also need to tell your kids. Yes they will be hurt but the damage done by being dragged through the mud while being kept in the dark will do lasting damage. And when they eventually learn the truth it will just cause ANOTHER wound they already should be healing from. And they'll lose trust in you. 

Here's a quote from care.com from a quick Google search.

"Those in favor of sharing this information would argue that children have a right to transparency within their own family unit. They deserve to know why mom and dad are arguing, or why one parent left the family home.

In her LiveAbout.com article, “Children and Infidelity: Should You Tell Your Child About the Affair,” divorce support expert Cathy Meyer explains that while discussing the matter with the children may be unpleasant, it’ll actually serve to build a more trusting and loving relationship with them in the long run.

“Admitting to an affair will likely cause problems in your relationship with your child. But, rebuilding and working through the anger your child feels will be easier if you are honest with him or her from the beginning,” Meyer writes. 

In his book, “Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy,” Dr. Frank Pittman pushes parents to disclose everything to their children. In his view, keeping secrets from family members will essentially rob the family of closeness and create disorientation — which can have an unexpected ripple effect.

“Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told. They become insecure and dependent,” explains Pittman. “When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift.”

Meyer and Pittman clearly approach the issue from the standpoint of building trust with children during a difficult time. On the other hand, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, has written about how he views it as more of an issue of accountability and repentance — particularly for those couples who want to stay in the marriage.

Specifically, he believes that complete disclosure with those closest to the couple, including young children, will help to prevent a recurrence or continuation of the infidelity.

In a book that he co-wrote with Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, called “Surviving an Affair,“ he explains, “Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery.”

In fact, Harley and Chalmers argue that children as young as seven should be informed about parental infidelity, as should any extended family, friends, clergy and even the “other person’s” spouse."


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## whammyface

And honestly. If she's trying to keep you from the kids. I'd move back in.


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## Rus47

Marc878 said:


> You aren’t the first or last to go through this. You have lots of good company here.


Seem to recall stats that about 1/2 of couples will eventually divorce. And infidelity is responsible for about half of those. So your STBX isn't anything unusual at all. It is surprising there aren't groups irl for people who have been betrayed, kinda like Alanon.



Marc878 said:


> If anyone asked what was wrong just tell them you don’t like her *new* boyfriend.


This is an EXCELLENT response!


----------



## drencrom

Megaforce said:


> Actually, an assault would be factored into division of assets in my jurisdiction. Thus the reason some attorneys have vised their clients to falsify DV claims.


Damn, then too bad I didn't live where you did...I'd have goaded my X to assault me and called the cops on her.


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## drencrom

whammyface said:


> And honestly. If she's trying to keep you from the kids. I'd move back in.


If she is trying to keep the kids from him, he needs to document that. It won't go over well in court. If she is doing that, it could get him custody.


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## Rus47

His work schedule would make custody tough for him.


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## drencrom

Rus47 said:


> His work schedule would make custody tough for him.


It might, but he can figure it out so a brainwashing mother doesn't get custody and ruins their little minds. What she is doing is child abuse.


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## TXTrini

Hey Cursive, how are you doing today?


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## BeyondRepair007

ABHale said:


> I have read stories where the betrayed husband has done this. Cut everything in half or disassembled everything and took all the nuts and bolts.


One guy on LS burned the defiled couch in the front yard and went to jail for it.
oops!


----------



## Rus47

ABHale said:


> I have read stories where the betrayed husband has done this. Cut everything in half or disassembled everything and took all the nuts and bolts.


One person on here confronted his wife and her AP at a work event, went home and loaded up the bed, took it out to his farm and burned it. Sent video of it burning to his wife. Btw they reconciled


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## ABHale

Rus47 said:


> One person on here confronted his wife and her AP at a work event, went home and loaded up the bed, took it out to his farm and burned it. Sent video of it burning to his wife. Btw they reconciled


He knows how I feel about his situation. Will leave it at that.


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## ABHale

BeyondRepair007 said:


> One guy on LS burned the in defiled couch in the front yard and went to jail for it.
> oops!


I have never read about that happening when guys talked about it. One of them had the police called, the wife claiming DV. The police arrested her for false DV call and talked with the husband, that he understood it might feel good now but he would regret it in the morning. He stopped at that point.


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## BeyondRepair007

ABHale said:


> I have never read about that happening when guys talked about it. One of them had the police called, the wife claiming DV. The police arrested her for false DV call and talked with the husband, that he understood it might feel good now but he would regret it in the morning. He stopped at that point.


“_Got drunk last night. Got some more truth via text message. Came home. Burnt the couch in the backyard. Threw my wife out the front door when she refused to leave without the kids. Hello jail.”_

That's a very long, terrible story there.
I guess he probably went to jail for throwing the wife out.

I just remembered the couch and me cheering.


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## ABHale

BeyondRepair007 said:


> “_Got drunk last night. Got some more truth via text message. Came home. Burnt the couch in the backyard. Threw my wife out the front door when she refused to leave without the kids. Hello jail.”_
> 
> Thanks a very long, terrible story there.
> I guess he probably went to jail for throwing the wife out.
> 
> I just remembered the couch and me cheering.


Yep


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## BeyondRepair007

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall How you doing? Hang in there bud.


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## ArthurGPym

OP get a VAR and keep it on you every time you have a personal conversation with your WW.


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## ABHale

I hope things are well. It’s pretty messed up that cheating POS keeps making excuses to keep his kids from him.


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## gr8ful1

Have you told her parents yet you walked in on them in your marital bed? Who knows what lies she’s feeding them….


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I'm a scatter brain to say the least, but I've kept myself under control. Been in correspondence via email with the attorney also. 
I dropped the bomb on her mom and dad yesterday. She hadn't told them. She told them we were taking a break. Some alone time lol. I don't know where she is, but I think the her parents do. Nevertheless it's their business to not tell me. The attorney will have a field day with this one.
I imagine she's with him, and that makes me want to be a sneaky f*&^er and catch them again. I won't tho, I have the kids, and more time off from work. I just hope and pray she doesn't get pregnant and really throw a wrench in the gears. 
It's game on now. We won't be returning to a healthy relationship. No way no how. 
The next few months will be interesting, and will also dictate what our future holds, and where I'll be. I know I can't leave the state with the kids (just yet anyway) but ultimately that's what I want. Sell the house, relocate, create a new beginning. 
The kids and I have talked. They know what is going on. I don't believe in bashing the other parent, so I told them enough to understand, but not to instill hatred or resentment. I suspect that one day, they'll form their own opinions. 

As for me, one day I'm better, the next day, I feel worthless. This has hit my ego, my esteem, and confidence with a sledge hammer.


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## Dictum Veritas

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> As for me, one day I'm better, the next day, I feel worthless. This has hit my ego, my esteem, and confidence with a sledge hammer.


Yep, been there, I had to learn, it's not you. She would have done this to every other man out there, such is the nature of adulterous scum.

Exercise, seriously punching a bag until it felt like my arms were about to drop off got those feelings under control.

As for the rest of your actions, you are doing the right things. Even-though it's a tough road to travel, keep on. When it feels like it get's to hard, take one more step before you rest, just make sure that step is to the benefit of your children and yourself.


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## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> As for me, one day I'm better, the next day, I feel worthless. This has hit my ego, my esteem, and confidence with a sledge hammer.


I can relate, I never had a self esteem issue until I was cheated on. Then every seeming fault physically and otherwise came to the surface and was magnified. It’s a rough way to feel, but these thoughts aren’t necessarily “real”.

Some things were helpful for me to focus on and try working on, like my super high tolerance for bull-****, but other things like feeling old or ugly or worthless… those are all lies. That’s just your brain grappling with the massive rejection and betrayal. Just know those thoughts are not a reflection of reality. You aren’t putting up with her crap, that’s you protecting your worth and value.


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## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> As for me, one day I'm better, the next day, I feel worthless. This has hit my ego, my esteem, and confidence with a sledge hammer.


For me that was the hardest part long term. Getting past the effects of feeling worthless and not enough. But I didn't have TAM to help me.

Just keep telling yourself that she is broken. You could have done everything perfectly and she would have done the same thing. You didn't cause this by not being enough for her. No one is enough for her.

Good update @CursiveWritingOnTheWall , you're doing everything right.
Just don't let her ruin _you_ in the process.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I never had a jealous bone in my body either. But I can feel some tingling away in there now. Maybe I should have been more open to seeing things from a self protected standpoint. I just didn't feel that it was necessary or needed. At the same time, I'm glad I caught them, rather then live life like a tool and clueless moron.


----------



## So far so good

When do you plan to serve your STBXW?


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I believe that's what the attorney is working on right now. Filings and disclosures, to be served to her. Waiting til she gets back to reality, then I believe the process server will be hunting her down this week. I'm not sure how this all works ya know. The last 30 years of my life, I've just worked worked worked, and the last 12, I've worked and was Husband and dad. Never dealt with this. I don't like legality as it is. I'm just a simple man. I like cars, guns, baseball, and earning my living honestly. My life has changed so much in the last weeks, that I don't recognize myself.


----------



## So far so good

Keep us updated. Looking forward for gems such as “YOU are breaking our family!”. “It’s all your fault!” Etc… The good people here will have a good eye rolling exercise…


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## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I believe that's what the attorney is working on right now. Filings and disclosures, to be served to her. Waiting til she gets back to reality, then I believe the process server will be hunting her down this week. I'm not sure how this all works ya know. The last 30 years of my life, I've just worked worked worked, and the last 12, I've worked and was Husband and dad. Never dealt with this. I don't like legality as it is. I'm just a simple man. I like cars, guns, baseball, and earning my living honestly. My life has changed so much in the last weeks, that I don't recognize myself.


You sound like a very good and decent man. Your (soon to be ex) wife is just a damn idiot.


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## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I'm a scatter brain to say the least, but I've kept myself under control. Been in correspondence via email with the attorney also.
> I dropped the bomb on her mom and dad yesterday. She hadn't told them. She told them we were taking a break. Some alone time lol. I don't know where she is, but I think the her parents do. Nevertheless it's their business to not tell me. The attorney will have a field day with this one.
> I imagine she's with him, and that makes me want to be a sneaky f*&^er and catch them again. I won't tho, I have the kids, and more time off from work. I just hope and pray she doesn't get pregnant and really throw a wrench in the gears.
> It's game on now. We won't be returning to a healthy relationship. No way no how.
> The next few months will be interesting, and will also dictate what our future holds, and where I'll be. I know I can't leave the state with the kids (just yet anyway) but ultimately that's what I want. Sell the house, relocate, create a new beginning.
> The kids and I have talked. They know what is going on. I don't believe in bashing the other parent, so I told them enough to understand, but not to instill hatred or resentment. I suspect that one day, they'll form their own opinions.
> 
> As for me, one day I'm better, the next day, I feel worthless. This has hit my ego, my esteem, and confidence with a sledge hammer.


You’re handling it well so far. You are on the emotional rollercoaster. This is going to suck for a long time. There is no way around that. You know everything you need to know. 
Pain shopping, trying to keep tabs on her will just keep you entangled. 
No contact is your only good path. Let her go. She’s already gone anyway.
It’s good you told your kids the sanitized truth. They aren’t stupid and can better deal with a known versus an unknown. 
At least you know. It may not seem like it now but knowing the truth is better than being kept in the dark.
Move as fast as possible with D.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

QuietRiot said:


> You sound like a very good and decent man. Your (soon to be ex) wife is just a damn idiot.


Well thank you...likewise, you sound like a decent man too lol!! Kidding of course. I have a huge sense of humor...its poking through.
But seriously, you sound put together yourself.
What you did for his oldest daughter, and sticking by his side. Shows how loyal you are, and character and personality are really on par. Kudos.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Marc878 said:


> You’re handling it well so far. You are on the emotional rollercoaster. This is going to suck for a long time. There is no way around that. You know everything you need to know.
> Pain shopping, trying to keep tabs on her will just keep you entangled.
> No contact is your only good path. Let her go. She’s already gone anyway.
> It’s good you told your kids the sanitized truth. They aren’t stupid and can better deal with a known versus an unknown.
> At least you know. It may not seem like it now but knowing the truth is better than being kept in the dark.
> Move as fast as possible with D.


She's gone...im already moving faster then I could have ever imagined. I don't want her back. I think the thrill of catching them again is interesting though. The reason I will not, is because I will beat his a** , and I need the win on this one. I could care less if she finds even another guy. Maybe Steve will puff up, and go after him, and Steve will get his a** beat anyway lol...I could only hope.


----------



## Marc878

Divorce is strictly a business decision. Try and keep emotions out of it. 
Finances matter!!!!
Catching them in the act is shocking but knowing is a good thing.
Infidelity is a life long gift. Many try reconciliation and end up with longterm heartburn. Plus if they cheat once repeated infidelity is not uncommon.
I’ve yet to see one that regretted divorce especially under your circumstances.
I would if her boyfriend is married inform his spouse. It’s the right thing to do.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Marc878 said:


> Divorce is strictly a business decision. Try and keep emotions out of it.
> Finances matter!!!!
> Catching them in the act is shocking but knowing is a good thing.
> Infidelity is a life long gift. Many try reconciliation and end up with longterm heartburn.
> I’ve yet to see one that regretted divorce especially under your circumstances.
> I would if her boyfriend is married inform his spouse. It’s the right thing to do.


LOL!!


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I'll give that my best shot! Not everyone is the same. 
Ill be spreading the word to his girlfriend or wife as soon as the names fall in my lap. I haven't been looking. I don't do social media, no FB, IG.


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## Marc878

The one thing is you will get through this. It’ll take awhile.
Keep posting. You have a wealth of information here. Use it to your advantage.


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## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I'll give that my best shot! Not everyone is the same.
> Ill be spreading the word to his girlfriend or wife as soon as the names fall in my lap. I haven't been looking. I don't do social media, no FB, IG.


If you google his name there maybe some useful info out there you can use.


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## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I'll give that my best shot! Not everyone is the same.
> Ill be spreading the word to his girlfriend or wife as soon as the names fall in my lap. I haven't been looking. I don't do social media, no FB, IG.


You could ask that lawyer's PI to find the other betrayed spouse and hand her some evidence. That would be a standup thing to do if you can swing it.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I'm a scatter brain to say the least, but I've kept myself under control. Been in correspondence via email with the attorney also.
> I dropped the bomb on her mom and dad yesterday. She hadn't told them. She told them we were taking a break. Some alone time lol. I don't know where she is, but I think the her parents do. Nevertheless it's their business to not tell me. The attorney will have a field day with this one.
> I imagine she's with him, and that makes me want to be a sneaky f*&^er and catch them again. I won't tho, I have the kids, and more time off from work. I just hope and pray she doesn't get pregnant and really throw a wrench in the gears.
> It's game on now. We won't be returning to a healthy relationship. No way no how.
> The next few months will be interesting, and will also dictate what our future holds, and where I'll be. I know I can't leave the state with the kids (just yet anyway) but ultimately that's what I want. Sell the house, relocate, create a new beginning.
> The kids and I have talked. They know what is going on. I don't believe in bashing the other parent, so I told them enough to understand, but not to instill hatred or resentment. I suspect that one day, they'll form their own opinions.
> 
> As for me, one day I'm better, the next day, I feel worthless. This has hit my ego, my esteem, and confidence with a sledge hammer.


So you are in your house with your children? And your STBX has abandoned her kids?


----------



## Marc878

One thing to remember blood is most often thicker than water. Her parents and family will most likely circle the wagons and side with her. Friends too.
You may even get you must save your marriage BS. Most people are clueless about infidelity. Family, friends, clergy, etc. ignore it.
Any mutual friends that don’t want to pick sides are picking sides and its not yours. If they are ok with her cheating they aren’t your friends. Time to clear out the trash.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Rus47 said:


> So you are in your house with your children? And your STBX has abandoned her kids?


I would love to look at it this way. I've let my attorney know the situation. I picked the kids up from school yesterday. I've taken a lot of time off of work. But work is aware, and so far has been understanding (it's way deeper then that with work) and I'm able to spend the weekend with them. Unfortunately, they both have a cold, and are bumming it right now. Was planning on taking a trip to a nearby town for ice cream and go karts. Maybe tomorrow. The 3 of us are at home. 
She is taking some "alone time" to herself for the weekend. I could only guess how alone she really is. In fact, I bet money on it, that she's in the same town that I plan on taking the kids to. I won't be looking for her, but my intuition says that I'll see her. Honestly, I hope she's somewhere else. 
But to answer that question with integrity. I think she played it right, by agreeing for me to pick them up, and saying that she needed alone time, and time to think. She told her parents the same thing, and they got the truth yesterday. I gave them details, like I've given all of you. I left out the part where she was moaning like it was her first time, out of respect for her father. But I did say that "I heard the sounds of good sex coming from my bedroom"


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I've been treading very lightly with this in mind, that blood is thicker them water.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I would love to look at it this way. I've let my attorney know the situation. I picked the kids up from school yesterday. I've taken a lot of time off of work. But work is aware, and so far has been understanding (it's way deeper then that with work) and I'm able to spend the weekend with them. Unfortunately, they both have a cold, and are bumming it right now. Was planning on taking a trip to a nearby town for ice cream and go karts. Maybe tomorrow. The 3 of us are at home.
> *She is taking some "alone time" to herself for the weekend. *I could only guess how alone she really is. In fact, I bet money on it, that she's in the same town that I plan on taking the kids to. I won't be looking for her, but my intuition says that I'll see her. Honestly, I hope she's somewhere else.
> But to answer that question with integrity. I think she played it right, by agreeing for me to pick them up, and saying that she needed alone time, and time to think. She told her parents the same thing, and they got the truth yesterday. I gave them details, like I've given all of you. I left out the part where she was moaning like it was her first time, out of respect for her father. But I did say that "I heard the sounds of good sex coming from my bedroom"


She is trying to figure out the best way to spin this.* Blame shifting* is a cheaters go to modus operandi.
You’ve headed that off at the pass. Good job. Many think it’s their job to help hide the affair. Faulty thinking. Her cheating is no reflection on you. It’s all on her.

*Blame-shifting *is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Your best path is to give her permanent alone time.
You can effectively coparent by text or email. Kids and Divorce. Ignore anything else or you’ll keep yourself bound up in this.
You don’t have to talk with her.
I know two who use this very effectively and they both say it’s the best thing they’ve done.
What’s there to talk about? Nothing. Talk is a waste of your time. The kids and your life are changed forever.
Going forward it should be about you and your time with your kids. That’s all you have control over.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I gave them details, like I've given all of you. I left out the part where she was moaning like it was her first time, out of respect for her father.


But surely, if necessary the grandparents wuld step up to the line and watch the children, see they get to and from school. Care for them. You have to stay good with your job at all costs, your kids and you depend on that. I would talk to them and explain that you need some help.

Speaking from personal experience I can tell you her parents are mortified and *totally ashamed* of their daughter. It is an insult to their raising her. It puts them in a horrible light. I can promise they are having long discussions about "where did we go wrong? What in h3ll is wrong with her??!!??" For sure they didn't raise her to behave this way, she 'learned' in somewhere else ( probably the 'GF' who hooked her up with Steve.

If you live in a small town, her father and mother won't be able to hold their head up in town. 

So people can say blood is thicker than water, but speaking from personal experience it ain't necessarily so. When the person raised as well as you know how does something as evil as your STBX has done, it strains any bonds to the breaking point.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I've been treading very lightly with this in mind, that blood is thicker them water.


Good. It’s a waste of your time to take this any further.


----------



## Marc878

Rus47 said:


> But surely, if necessary the grandparents wuld step up to the line and watch the children, see they get to and from school. Care for them. You have to stay good with your job at all costs, your kids and you depend on that. I would talk to them and explain that you need some help.
> 
> Speaking from personal experience I can tell you her parents are mortified and *totally ashamed* of their daughter. It is an insult to their raising her. It puts them in a horrible light. I can promise they are having long discussions about "where did we go wrong? What in h3ll is wrong with her??!!??" For sure they didn't raise her to behave this way, she 'learned' in somewhere else ( probably the 'GF' who hooked her up with Steve.
> 
> If you live in a small town, her father and mother won't be able to hold their head up in town.
> 
> So people can say blood is thicker than water, but speaking from personal experience it ain't necessarily so. When the person raised as well as you know how does something as evil as your STBX has done, it strains any bonds to the breaking point.


Not from what I’ve seen. My parents were mortified at my sisters affair but once the dust settled my sister was family and her x wasn’t.
Parents not siding with their children is the exception not the rule. I think the best case is they stay out of it.
Time will tell.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Rus47 said:


> But surely, if necessary the grandparents wuld step up to the line and watch the children, see they get to and from school. Care for them. You have to stay good with your job at all costs, your kids and you depend on that. I would talk to them and explain that you need some help.
> 
> Speaking from personal experience I can tell you her parents are mortified and *totally ashamed* of their daughter. It is an insult to their raising her. It puts them in a horrible light. I can promise they are having long discussions about "where did we go wrong? What in h3ll is wrong with her??!!??" For sure they didn't raise her to behave this way, she 'learned' in somewhere else ( probably the 'GF' who hooked her up with Steve.
> 
> If you live in a small town, her father and mother won't be able to hold their head up in town.
> 
> So people can say blood is thicker than water, but speaking from personal experience it ain't necessarily so. When the person raised as well as you know how does something as evil as your STBX has done, it strains any bonds to the breaking point.


We're all thinking along these lines. That's why this all has been so shocking and has hit me hard. She's not the type. Or at least that we thought. Maybe there is another type and a new breed surfacing. I'm not exactly sure what a sociopath, and a narcissist is, but these two words keep popping in my brain.
I wont beat around the bush, and lie, and make myself out to be a superhuman, and act like I can go on without being hurt, because the truth is, is that I'm still hurt, im actually devastated. I've shed a fair amount of tears also. I'm not a crier by any means. But these wells are dry. I cry differently in my older age. It's a silent expressionless tear fall. 
My point is, this has been a new type of pain, and a new type of hurt. Still in shock Herr.


----------



## Marc878

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> We're all thinking along these lines. That's why this all has been so shocking and has hit me hard. She's not the type. Or at least that we thought. Maybe there is another type and a new breed surfacing. I'm not exactly sure what a sociopath, and a narcissist is, but these two words keep popping in my brain.
> I wont beat around the bush, and lie, and make myself out to be a superhuman, and act like I can go on without being hurt, because the truth is, is that I'm still hurt, im actually devastated. I've shed a fair amount of tears also. I'm not a crier by any means. But these wells are dry. I cry differently in my older age. It's a silent expressionless tear fall.
> My point is, this has been a new type of pain, and a new type of hurt. Still in shock Herr.


Of course you are. Perfectly normal. You are dealing with something you never thought possible. 
No one is ever prepared to be betrayed by the one person they thought they could trust.
That betrayal and the way it happened has hit you like a ton of bricks. No one deserves what you’ve seen and been through.
I’m sure everyone here has your utmost sympathy in mind. 
This is your sanctuary. I’m sorry we can’t do more for you.


----------



## Rus47

Marc878 said:


> Not from what I’ve seen. My parents were mortified at my sisters affair but once the dust settled my sister was family and her x wasn’t.
> Parents not siding with their children is the exception not the rule. I think the best case is they stay out of it.
> Time will tell.


I will tell you we are still tight with the betrayed one. The one who betrayed them, we don't trust them anymore. We know the whole sordid story, watched it unfold like a slow motion train wreck. Tried to talk some sense into the wayward.

The thing is, OP is going to need some help with *their* grandkids. They will side with the grandkids' well being before their daughter. Every grandparent I know is that way. They are not going to let their daughter going off of the rails destroy the lives of their grandkids. He has but to ask. I would bet they will help.


----------



## Marc878

Rus47 said:


> I will tell you we are still tight with the betrayed one. The one who betrayed them, we don't trust them anymore. We know the whole sordid story, watched it unfold like a slow motion train wreck. Tried to talk some sense into the wayward.
> 
> The thing is, OP is going to need some help with *their* grandkids. They will side with the grandkids' well being before their daughter. Every grandparent I know is that way. They are not going to let their daughter going off of the rails destroy the lives of their grandkids. He has but to ask. I would bet they will help.


I’m sure and hope the grandparents will step up and help out but that doesn’t change the fact she’s their daughter.


----------



## So far so good

Marc878 said:


> Most people are clueless about infidelity.


 It’s like when you watch a TV show with your wife and the main character gets a good kick in the nuts. Your wife says “I must have hurt I guess” and you actually _feel_ the pain.


----------



## michelleM68

Hello. Sorry your here. I would like to touch on the subject of in-laws. I originally posted my horrible story under a different username in private forum. 

I had known my in laws for 20 years when WS ended the marriage via affair with mutual coworkers and he was an opiate addict. After years of lies of dysfunction and seperation all the truth came out when he lost his job.

His mother had already passed. His dad was telling me that he would not support me in dealing with his addiction and how it affected his grandchildren. He seemingly took a 180 against me. 

My FIL died last year. I was asked to go across counrty w my kids. I said no at first until my oldest adult child asked me to go. I went. Glad i did. While sorting thru all belingings in the house i found old letters from to them i fogotten i wrote when life was good. They kept all my letters. His aunts wete there. One night when his aunt, the Ex and I were alone for an hour she flat out told the EX that his dad never got over the anger he had for my EX. The affairs the drugs the hurt he caused me and the kids. The stealing of his credit card. Oooh. It was brought to my attention that the FIL always did secretly support me and love me but to keep the peace he couldnt take sides openly. Aunt said she tried to talk to his dad about forgiveness but he struggled to forgive. 

EX was devastated to find out his dads true feelings. He had been in recovery during this time so clarity was hitting him hard. He is still struggling with as he will ask me to talk about it as part of his recovery he just completed. 

You in-laws have already judged you based on their experience and knowledge with you. If you have been a good husband and father they already know this. Trust that. Their role now is to be good grandparents. 

For me it was a realization i am not a horrible human being i felt to be. 

I also found out the reason my EX cheated as i was in therapy x1 a month at EX request to forgive him for the years of chaos abuse of drugs. He cheated because he knew i would not affirm his ego during addiction. He found a naive twat who he could fool and receive affirmation at the same time. 

Its not about us always. Its about their brokeness. I spent years wondering what is wrong with me. Waste of time. What i did do is look in the mirror and repeat daily what i like about me. What i dont and fixed what i didnt like about me. 

I can think of only one cheater i know who was justified. His wife was and is still an abuser. He didnt leave cause she didnt work and two disabled children at home. He finally left the home. Married the AP and their very happy 7 years later. She put the kids in a group home and got a job and she still very abusive to people around her. Everyone wonders how he stuck it out so long. His kids. She is still cruel and still alone. 

You have a long road ahead. Do not worry about judgement from people she is associated with. Just love yourself and children. To maintain your sanity try to compartmentalize. Give yourself an alloted time each day to feel sorry for yourself. To excersize. To eat soup. To sleep. To focus on children. 

I get the distance from family. EX dealt with that. But i wasnt about to let him move my kids across country. Not because of the cheating but because of his addiction. There adults now so im out of the process. Im doing ok. But i was where you are now. 

Hang in there


----------



## Rus47

Marc878 said:


> I’m sure and hope the grandparents will step up and help out but that doesn’t change the fact she’s their daughter.


Unfortunately. I can assure you, having walked that road, her parents are disappointed in and ashamed of her. And beating themselves up for having produced such an offspring. The STBX doesn't understand the damage she has done to ALL of her relationships going forward. For a tingle in her crotch. THAT is what her parents are grieving about as we speak. Her father has to be devastated beyond belief. Hopefully they don't begin blaming one another for this mess.


----------



## Marc878

Rus47 said:


> Unfortunately. I can assure you, having walked that road, her parents are disappointed in and ashamed of her. And beating themselves up for having produced such an offspring. The STBX doesn't understand the damage she has done to ALL of her relationships going forward. For a tingle in her crotch. THAT is what her parents are grieving about as we speak. Her father has to be devastated beyond belief. Hopefully they don't begin blaming one another for this mess.


I don’t doubt that but it doesn’t change the fact that for most blood will be thicker than water. 
I’ve seen this first hand many times.


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I'm a scatter brain to say the least, but I've kept myself under control. Been in correspondence via email with the attorney also.
> I dropped the bomb on her mom and dad yesterday. She hadn't told them. She told them we were taking a break. Some alone time lol. I don't know where she is, but I think the her parents do. Nevertheless it's their business to not tell me. The attorney will have a field day with this one.
> I imagine she's with him, and that makes me want to be a sneaky f*&^er and catch them again. I won't tho, I have the kids, and more time off from work. I just hope and pray she doesn't get pregnant and really throw a wrench in the gears.
> It's game on now. We won't be returning to a healthy relationship. No way no how.
> The next few months will be interesting, and will also dictate what our future holds, and where I'll be. I know I can't leave the state with the kids (just yet anyway) but ultimately that's what I want. Sell the house, relocate, create a new beginning.
> The kids and I have talked. They know what is going on. I don't believe in bashing the other parent, so I told them enough to understand, but not to instill hatred or resentment. I suspect that one day, they'll form their own opinions.
> 
> As for me, one day I'm better, the next day, I feel worthless. This has hit my ego, my esteem, and confidence with a sledge hammer.


Wow, what a day. Well, you survived another one and that's how you do it one day at a time. 

You're not worthless, she is. That's why you and everyone else isn't enough for her. She's a black hole of misery and need. How did the kids the the news?


----------



## TXTrini

Marc878 said:


> I don’t doubt that but it doesn’t change the fact that for most blood will be thicker than water.
> I’ve seen this first hand many times.


^This.

My ex inlaws turned their backs on me and closed ranks around my ex after DD. Yet they're still trying to maintain contact sending crap to my house (I moved out of town) over 3 years later. After nearly 20 years of treating me better than their daughter. 

At the end of the day blood is thicker than water, shame or no shame.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

My in laws like me. But I wouldn't put it past them to do an about face after all the legalities come to light. I foresee a rough road ahead with them. I know blood is thicker then water, but unfortunately their blood runs in my children as well as mine. So we'll see. They have already offered to take them, watch them, they've also offered to help me. My mother in law asked if I wanted her to bring a meal tonight, for me and the kids. I respectfully declined...its definitely pizza night here.


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## Marc878

A good chance you will get “you must save your marriage”.
Do it for the children, etc.
It was just a little mistake. Be a marty and suck it up for the kids.
Your wayward wife wasn’t thinking about the kids, you or her marriage.
It was a choice, decision she made.
Be prepared


----------



## michelleM68

That was kind of them. Give your in laws the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. You may need their help and support later when an unexpected emergency arises.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I received, what I believe to be a drunk texts last night.
02:33 am. 
" I messed up, I can't believe that I messed up this bad. I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to dig deep in your heart, and realize that what we had was good, until I ruined it."

02:35
"Are you awake?"

02:36
"I know I can't apologize enough, and ill always regret losing you. I'm sorry for what I've done, im sorry for who I've been this whole year" 

02:43
"If you are awake maybe I could come to the house"

Anyway, I haven't responded. Judging by the time it was, I think her and the POSOM were having a girls night out lol. Good for them, they get some much needed alone time. 
I hope she feels like crap today, as she makes her way to mom and dad's house. 
Maybe her and the POSOM got in an argument, is what I'm thinking. 

The kids and I watched movies, ate popcorn, and did some artwork. 
Headed out of town today. Gotta get ready for a work week also.


----------



## Rus47

Forward any texts to your attorney. Ask the attorney if you need to respond. Unless she advises otherwise, DO NOT answer! 

She admitted fault in writing which is golden for you.

Her regrets are a trap, maybe prompted by her parents ripping her a new one! You know what shevis capable of now, you can do much much better.

Steve got tired of her. But he will be back around when it is her turn in the rotation.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I received, what I believe to be a drunk texts last night.
> 02:33 am.
> " I messed up, I can't believe that I messed up this bad. I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to dig deep in your heart, and realize that what we had was good, until I ruined it."
> 
> 02:35
> "Are you awake?"
> 
> 02:36
> "I know I can't apologize enough, and ill always regret losing you. I'm sorry for what I've done, im sorry for who I've been this whole year"
> 
> 02:43
> "If you are awake maybe I could come to the house"
> 
> Anyway, I haven't responded. Judging by the time it was, I think her and the POSOM were having a girls night out lol. Good for them, they get some much needed alone time.
> I hope she feels like crap today, as she makes her way to mom and dad's house.
> Maybe her and the POSOM got in an argument, is what I'm thinking.
> 
> The kids and I watched movies, ate popcorn, and did some artwork.
> Headed out of town today. Gotta get ready for a work week also.


Most men into married women are just there for the free NSA nookie. Now she's free and clear there's no more free nookie and he'll have to pay full price. Not many men want to make their free escort their wives.

Don't be surprised if he drops her like a hot potato soon, after all the POSOM knows he can't trust her to be faithful.

If or more likely when this happens, remember who she is and what she's done and don't take her back. The heart will lie to you that this can be fixed, but the heart is only speaking from a place of fear of loneliness. It too will heal in time and be able to give love not from a place of fear, but from a place of strength, to someone who deserves it this time around.

Do not take her back, this is the one and biggest favor you can do for yourself and your children.


----------



## Openminded

All is not well in paradise for her — reality is setting in — and so back to Plan B it is. Don’t be tempted to respond even for a moment.


----------



## Megaforce

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I received, what I believe to be a drunk texts last night.
> 02:33 am.
> " I messed up, I can't believe that I messed up this bad. I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to dig deep in your heart, and realize that what we had was good, until I ruined it."
> 
> 02:35
> "Are you awake?"
> 
> 02:36
> "I know I can't apologize enough, and ill always regret losing you. I'm sorry for what I've done, im sorry for who I've been this whole year"
> 
> 02:43
> "If you are awake maybe I could come to the house"
> 
> Anyway, I haven't responded. Judging by the time it was, I think her and the POSOM were having a girls night out lol. Good for them, they get some much needed alone time.
> I hope she feels like crap today, as she makes her way to mom and dad's house.
> Maybe her and the POSOM got in an argument, is what I'm thinking.
> 
> The kids and I watched movies, ate popcorn, and did some artwork.
> Headed out of town today. Gotta get ready for a work week also.


This is quite pathetic, especially asking to come by. What a narcissist. How can someone even contemplate being forgiven and stopping by after the way she treated you when you were so traumatized: " Well, now you know. Sorry."
She is, truly, a miscreant of the highest order. 

My Xw did something similar, asking for a hug and telling me she loves me. I was aghast.

This is someone you should put in the rearview mirror. She seems to have no idea of the extent of her victimization and abuse, none.


----------



## re16

Honestly, this may be very advantageous for your divorce if you play it right… you need to tell her things like, if she plays fair in the divorce and takes responsibility for ruining the marriage, you’ll consider something later etc (even if there is no chance of that)….


----------



## TexasMom1216

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I received, what I believe to be a drunk texts last night.
> 02:33 am.
> " I messed up, I can't believe that I messed up this bad. I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to dig deep in your heart, and realize that what we had was good, until I ruined it."
> 
> 02:35
> "Are you awake?"
> 
> 02:36
> "I know I can't apologize enough, and ill always regret losing you. I'm sorry for what I've done, im sorry for who I've been this whole year"
> 
> 02:43
> "If you are awake maybe I could come to the house"
> 
> Anyway, I haven't responded. Judging by the time it was, I think her and the POSOM were having a girls night out lol. Good for them, they get some much needed alone time.
> I hope she feels like crap today, as she makes her way to mom and dad's house.
> Maybe her and the POSOM got in an argument, is what I'm thinking.
> 
> The kids and I watched movies, ate popcorn, and did some artwork.
> Headed out of town today. Gotta get ready for a work week also.


Now that she’s single, her boyfriend doesn’t want her any more. He never wanted more than NSA sex, she asked for more and he threw her back because who wants a cheater? Serves her right. What a monster she turned out to be. I’m so sorry.


----------



## SunCMars

So far so good said:


> She will probably tell you: “I didn’t love him,it was only sex”. It baffles me that women don’t understand that’s the absolute worst thing to say to their husband.


Think about this claim.

A woman or a man saying there was no love involved, means:
I did it for the sex, for those feel-good orgasms.
Shallow.

Cheating for love, makes much more sense, but, cheating for orgasms?
That makes little sense, tis' the stuff of bored apes.

Whereas, dumb dogs do it, not for love, but for instinct.
And that is natural.

Just sayin'


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

SunCMars said:


> Think about this claim.
> 
> A woman or a man saying there was no love involved, means:
> I did it for the sex, for those feel-good orgasms.
> Shallow.
> 
> Cheating for love, makes much more sense, but, cheating for orgasms?
> That makes little sense, tis' the stuff of bored apes.
> 
> Whereas, dumb dogs do it, not for love, but for instinct.
> And that is natural.
> 
> Just sayin'


Believe me, ive thought that through. Every imaginable freaky quirk, that would cause someone to turn like this. She might not even be getting the orgasms, so now what...at least I made sure she was satisfied first. 
It sucks that this whole thing is based off of sex, and pushed in to a game of cheap desires.


----------



## So far so good

It sounds like this was going on for a year…

She wanted to go home to beg, plead, lots of crying (men kryptonite) and sex bomb you. That’s typically what happens.

She is slowly getting desperate. When she comes back (it’s her home too, she has the right to be there), make sure you have a VAR and put a lock in your room. You don’t want a 2 AM surprise visit.

Does her parent know she’s about to get served?

Please keep in mind that she is still the mother of your children, and will have to deal with her for years to come. Interact (if you must) with her calmly and “neutrally”. No insult needed (except here, let yourself loose  )

one day at a time.


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

No one knows I went to the attorney. Tomorrow they may find out. The kids and I are at lunch out of town (next town over) I've been looking for a VAR.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

So far so good said:


> Please keep in mind that she is still the mother of your children, and will have to deal with her for years to come. Interact (if you must) with her calmly and “neutrally”. No insult needed (except here, let yourself loose  )


Yeah, that doesn't mean she deserves any respect though. Just not in her face, overt, disrespect (for the sake of the children). I think covert disrespect is fine. Try a parenting app when the time comes, it's about as close to NC as you can get with children in the picture.


----------



## SunCMars

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I've been looking for a VAR.


Look more afar, to your next chapter in life.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> No one knows I went to the attorney. Tomorrow they may find out. The kids and I are at lunch out of town (next town over) I've been looking for a VAR.


Amazon and Bestbuy among others sell them. They are cheap. Buy a couple. One for your house and another to keep on your person at all times when she is around. 

You might want to ask your attorney about VARs. Some on TAM have opined that in some states they are illegal. Since you would only use the recording as evidence for you in case of bogus DV accusation, would think it would be ok. 

Is your attorney serving papers tomorrow? Does your STBX work? Have her own money?

She may be in for unpleasant surprise of her life.


----------



## Marc878

I suspect like a lot with no contact your mind will clear and as you reflect back you may see things you ignored or overlooked. 
She made a decision to cheat because she wanted to. Its been well planned and carried out. You weren’t supposed to find out. You coming home early upset their plans.
Having and affair in your home where your kids live and marital bed is the most disrespectful form of betrayal.
It doesn’t matter why. Right now she’s looking for a way back in. She can’t deny it since you caught her in the act. She wants you to forgive because your marriage was so good? Seriously 
You can never unsee what you’ve seen. The amount of disrespect was horrific.
Let her fully go and move on. I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen repeated infidelity happen. If they’ve did it once there’s a high chance they’ll do it again.
Save yourself first or you won’t be good for anyone. It’s you and your kids. 
Take care.


----------



## Marc878

Dictum Veritas said:


> Yeah, that doesn't mean she deserves any respect though. Just not in her face, overt, disrespect (for the sake of the children). I think covert disrespect is fine. Try a parenting app when the time comes, it's about as close to NC as you can get with children in the picture.


You hear a lot of you must do this, you must do that. Nope, coparenting can be done via text or email. 
Under these circumstances it’s best. The kids lives are changed forever. You have your time and she has hers. Keep all holidays, birthdays, etc separate. It leaves no room for conflict. Works out great under the circumstances.
Do it for the kids is BS. The kids will adjust. I can guarantee you she wasn’t thinking about the kids.


----------



## BoSlander

Marc878 said:


> You can never unsee what you’ve seen. The amount of disrespect was horrific.


It’s *always* much worst than what is eventually revealed. In my case, the more I searched the worst and more stuff I found. It was really disheartening, and even the dude I was paying to forensically extract all files out of her (flip) phones (even going back to the days before we got married) advised me to let it go but… I knew closure, on my part, depended on knowing EVERYTHING.

The before-and-after was like day and night. Before the divorce my head was focused on finding out if my wife was really cheating on me. A polygraph and a divorce later, wife absent, I found out that I was married to a serial cheater. So good at it in fact that I found out she had cheated FOR SURE with 5 other guys in a 20 year period. Two of them were ONS (of which her current friends were for sure aware of and never said a thing,) one of them was an ex boyfriend of hers, the other was a young teacher SHE took advantage of (her current friends were aware of this OM too) and the last one another school employee she was banging his brains off. Literally. Like my wife was swallowing this dude’s oral cream pies during their 10-minute post-work cheating sessions. She was giving him anal, going to motels for 2 hour love sessions while they were supposed to be at work. The more text files I looked at the more sh-t I found. What was really humiliating was finding out she was doing all these things to others… while she had me on the “maintenance plan” (3 positions and sporadic oral).

If I could give some advice to someone either suspecting or in the knowledge that his/her SO cheated is to merely find out if that was the case and move on. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go down the rabbit hole because you WILL find things that will traumatize you. Hearing your wife moaning while someone else is f-cking her brains out will re-write your pre-frontal cortex and you will not forget about it. And do not think for a second they will put their kids first… my wife had a text with her ex boyfriend in which she basically expressed how she was going to drop off our new born to my parent’s house so that she could go meet him and swallow every drop of cum off of his c-ck.

IT DOES GET THIS GRAPHIC.
Be careful.


----------



## Marc878

BoSlander said:


> It’s *always* much worst than what is eventually revealed. In my case, the more I searched the worst and more stuff I found. It was really disheartening, and even the dude I was paying to forensically extract all files out of her (flip) phones (even going back to the days before we got married) advised me to let it go but… I knew closure, on my part, depended on knowing EVERYTHING.
> 
> The before-and-after was like day and night. Before the divorce my head was focused on finding out if my wife was really cheating on me. A polygraph and a divorce later, wife absent, I found out that I was married to a serial cheater. So good at it in fact that I found out she had cheated FOR SURE with 5 other guys in a 20 year period. Two of them were ONS (of which her current friends were for sure aware of and never said a thing,) one of them was an ex boyfriend of hers, the other was a young teacher SHE took advantage of (her current friends were aware of this OM too) and the last one another school employee she was banging his brains off. Literally. Like my wife was swallowing this dude’s oral cream pies during their 10-minute post-work cheating sessions. She was giving him anal, going to motels for 2 hour love sessions while they were supposed to be at work. The more text files I looked at the more sh-t I found. What was really humiliating was finding out she was doing all these things to others… while she had me on the “maintenance plan” (3 positions and sporadic oral).
> 
> If I could give some advice to someone either suspecting or in the knowledge that his/her SO cheated is to merely find out if that was the case and move on. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go down the rabbit hole because you WILL find things that will traumatize you. Hearing your wife moaning while someone else is f-cking her brains out will re-write your pre-frontal cortex and you will not forget about it. And do not think for a second they will put their kids first… my wife had a text with her ex boyfriend in which she basically expressed how she was going to drop off our new born to my parent’s house so that she could go meet him and swallow every drop of cum off of his c-ck.
> 
> IT DOES GET THIS GRAPHIC.
> Be careful.


The OP knows enough. I would agree that it’s probably the tip of the iceberg. 
A lot don’t get the smoking gun and keep themselves in limbo wanting badly to believe the lies, etc.


----------



## So far so good

My xWW had a few dates with a client (she was working in a hotel). I asked her if she slept with the OM; she said “l don’t know” (obviously avoiding the question).

I really wasn’t interested in knowing more. I can’t divorce her more can I? I suspected a second OM as well. It’s not that I was afraid of the answer, it’s just that once you decide it’s a deal breaker, and she crossed the line, it really doesn’t matter.

For the OP, he caught them in the act and divorcing her. Why dig?


----------



## Megaforce

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Believe me, ive thought that through. Every imaginable freaky quirk, that would cause someone to turn like this. She might not even be getting the orgasms, so now what...at least I made sure she was satisfied first.
> It sucks that this whole thing is based off of sex, and pushed in to a game of cheap desires.


I doubt it was merely sex. She got other forms of gratification, as well: validation, thrill seeking, perhaps acting upon some resentment she had toward you, etc.
People say it is not about the betrayed spouse but that is not neccesarily true. In some cases, as in mine, the cheater has some hidden resentment based on dissatisfaction that is never disclosed, just allowed to fester. He or she is too cowardly to address this in an open, honest manner. 
Your wife simply must have told herself things about you that she felt entitled her to cheat. You can bet this was discussed with her affair partner, your alleged deficiencies etc. If any of her friends were aware of the cheating, you can bet she badmouthed you to them, as well. It is pretty much standard operating procedure. 
The way she coldly spoke to you when you were in obvious distress is pretty telling re her disdain toward you. Same is true of these drunken overtures by text. Essentially, she is showing you how little empathy she has by expecting you to welcome her back while she has done nothing to help you heal. Also, look how she felt entitled to dictate terms re your having the kids.
Entitlement and lack of empathy are the hallmarks of the narcissist.


----------



## ABHale

The POSOM informed her that she was just a side piece. Why would he start a relationship with a cheater.


----------



## ABHale

Hope you had a great day with the kids!!


----------



## Openminded

Many women cheat for attention — not sex. Now that the guy obviously knows that you know he may not want anything to do with her. If he’s out then she’s likely looking to “correct” things with you. That would solve a lot of problems for her and create a lot for you so never respond to texts from her unless it involves your children.


----------



## Rus47

So far so good said:


> For the OP, he caught them in the act and divorcing her. Why dig?


Yes indeed. Catching them going at it in his bedroom and his bed is way more than anyone should have to have in their head. I wonder if psychiatry can offer hypnosis or something to erase unpleasant memories. If so, it might be worthwhile once he is well rid of his STBX.

The good thing, is if he peruses the stories of the men (and women) who got rid of their cheaters, life on the other side of the pain has been good. His STBX at 40+ having to work isn't going to be living the dream. Oh her AP will come around every now and then to ride her when he is between others.


----------



## QuietRiot

Rus47 said:


> Yes indeed. Catching them going at it in his bedroom and his bed is way more than anyone should have to have in their head. I wonder if psychiatry can offer hypnosis or something to erase unpleasant memories. If so, it might be worthwhile once he is well rid of his STBX.
> 
> The good thing, is if he peruses the stories of the men (and women) who got rid of their cheaters, life on the other side of the pain has been good. His STBX at 40+ having to work isn't going to be living the dream. Oh her AP will come around every now and then to ride her when he is between others.


EMDR is a very effective form of therapy for mind movies and traumatic events. It was amazing for me.


----------



## oldshirt

Dictum Veritas said:


> Most men into married women are just there for the free NSA nookie. Now she's free and clear there's no more free nookie and he'll have to pay full price. Not many men want to make their free escort their wives.
> 
> Don't be surprised if he drops her like a hot potato soon, after all the POSOM knows he can't trust her to be faithful.
> 
> If or more likely when this happens, remember who she is and what she's done and don't take her back. The heart will lie to you that this can be fixed, but the heart is only speaking from a place of fear of loneliness. It too will heal in time and be able to give love not from a place of fear, but from a place of strength, to someone who deserves it this time around.
> 
> Do not take her back, this is the one and biggest favor you can do for yourself and your children.


The best way to make an OM lose interest in a WW is to make her a single woman.


----------



## Rus47

QuietRiot said:


> EMDR is a very effective form of therapy for mind movies and traumatic events. It was amazing for me.


I don't know the acronym. For OP's benefit, what is it, how would he access and how could he utilize it? Is it provided by medical professionals? Maybe used for PTSD victims? Isn't PTSD what OP will be dealing with going forward?


----------



## Rus47

Megaforce said:


> *Your wife simply must have told herself things about you that she felt entitled her to cheat.* You can bet this was discussed with her affair partner, your alleged deficiencies etc. If any of her friends were aware of the cheating, you can bet she badmouthed you to them, as well. It is pretty much standard operating procedure.


Just like a thief tells themselves they are entitled to someone else's property. They justify their crimes in their own head.

In this case, STBX had a GF who was egging her on. OM was the GF's acquaintance she introduced STBX to. So the "friend" instigated the whole thing. Suspect OM is a "bull" likely well known to all of the cheating women in town, he has a harem of enthusiastic women, each just awaiting their turn in his rotation. That dynamic was also in @VintageRetro thread, his xWW's "friends" from work led by an enthusiastic cheater got things rolling.


----------



## oldshirt

Rus47 said:


> Just like a thief tells themselves they are entitled to someone else's property. They justify their crimes in their own head.
> 
> In this case, STBX had a GF who was egging her on. OM was the GF's acquaintance she introduced STBX to. So the "friend" instigated the whole thing. Suspect OM is a "bull" likely well known to all of the cheating women in town, he has a harem of enthusiastic women, each just awaiting their turn in his rotation. That dynamic was also in @VintageRetro thread, his xWW's "friends" from work led by an enthusiastic cheater got things rolling.


Almost all affairs have cheerleaders, supporters and coconspirators. 

It’s rare for one to be in a complete vacuum.


----------



## Rus47

oldshirt said:


> Almost all affairs have cheerleaders, supporters and coconspirators.
> 
> It’s rare for one to be in a complete vacuum.


So " bad company corrupts good character." Or "birds of a feather flock together". A person would be well advised I suppose to peruse the people their spouse ( or prospective spouse ) associates with / pals around with / works with. Sooner or later they will adopt the habits and methods of those they associate with. Maybe that also extends to FB and other SM.

If @Vaughan experience is an indicator, once the OP's STBX realizes she can't con him into becoming her soft landing, look out. Her friends will indeed be cheering her on in every way. She will go full on byche in the divorce process, which is why hope OP strikes quickly and that his attorney is on top of the game to get agreements in place for assets and custody before STBX wakes up to reality. STBX being hungry for male attention, wouldn't be surprised if she broadens her activities way beyond OM. Maybe conclude that she might as well play the entire available field.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Marc878 said:


> Not from what I’ve seen. My parents were mortified at my sisters affair but once the dust settled my sister was family and her x wasn’t.
> Parents not siding with their children is the exception not the rule. *I think the best case is they stay out of it.*
> Time will tell.


They don't want to rock the boat and lose access to the grandchildren.


----------



## ArthurGPym

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> My in laws like me. But I wouldn't put it past them to do an about face after all the legalities come to light. I foresee a rough road ahead with them. I know blood is thicker then water, but unfortunately their blood runs in my children as well as mine. So we'll see. They have already offered to take them, watch them, they've also offered to help me. My mother in law asked if I wanted her to bring a meal tonight, for me and the kids. I respectfully declined...its definitely pizza night here.


They are going to play to whoever has controlling custody of the grandkids. They don't care about you, just your children.


----------



## re16

He's in the long game now... any advantage he can get by using her desire to repair what she did that aids in Cursive's divorce terms is fair game.

The more he can "say the right things" even to the grandparents, the better. Like tell them directly he isn't looking to cut them off as long as they play fairly...

I think a little bit of politics early on goes a long way in these situations... instead of people speculating at what your motivations are, tell them directly and remove ambiguity and conjecture.


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## re16

Also, even though a divorce is what should happen, I would still ask her for a timeline of the affair... just to see what she says.


----------



## Rus47

re16 said:


> Also, even though a divorce is what should happen, I would still ask her for a timeline of the affair... just to see what she says.


Affairs (plural). In the marital home, in the marital bed when caught. Brazen. Would really surprise me if this was first guy she gave a ride. OP works a fixed shift of 48 hours (?). Perfect opportunity for her to plan playtime. She got so carried away with OM she forgot OP was coming home soon. And he was early home.


----------



## re16

Rus47 said:


> Affairs (plural). In the marital home, in the marital bed when caught. Brazen. Would really surprise me if this was first guy she gave a ride.


Yep, fully agree, I bet there is a whole lot more... he saw the tip of the iceberg. I think it would be good for him to hear about it, if there is more, as a reminder of how bad it is.


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## Rus47

re16 said:


> Yep, fully agree, I bet there is a whole lot more... he saw the tip of the iceberg. I think it would be good for him to hear about it, if there is more, as a reminder of how bad it is.


I think the less he digs the better for his mental state. Another poster who dug really wishes he hasnt.

I encourage OP to leave buried bodies and closet skeletons alone. That way be dragons. He has all he needs to know.


----------



## Marc878

Rus47 said:


> I think the less he digs the better for his mental state. Another poster who dug really wishes he hasnt.
> 
> I encourage OP to leave buried bodies and closet skeletons alone. That way be dragons. He has all he needs to know.


Yep, OP knows enough. Pain shopping just keeps you entangled. Talking with her will do the same. It’s enough to know she sucks and under the circumstances that’s never going to change.


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## Rus47

Marc878 said:


> Yep, OP knows enough. Pain shopping just keeps you entangled. Talking with her will do the same. It’s enough to know she sucks and under the circumstances that’s never going to change.


I can’t even fathom the mind movies. Hope he can get whatever therapy needed to recover


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## Marc878

Rus47 said:


> I can’t even fathom the mind movies. Hope he can get whatever therapy needed to recover


The only salvation in these situations is to let them go. Staying entangled is a worthless endeavor.


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## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall The less contact you have with STBX the better for your mental state. There are ways of going through this where you were you will never again need to communicate directly with STBX again. @Vaughan and @VintageRetro among others could give you more info. I recall it requires all communication from her to be only regarding your kids, through an AP. Nothing direct. And anything else to be directed to your attorney.

There are divorced people who do all handoffs of the kids at a neutral location, like school, so parents need never


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## TXTrini

So Cursive, you made it through the weekend! How's this week looking for you?


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## Rus47

TXTrini said:


> So Cursive, you made it through the weekend! How's this week looking for you?


I think he wrote he is away working for next 48 hours. 

That is very sucky too. I gather his STBX was SAHM. So while OP busts his a$$ to bring home paycheck and their kids are away at school, she is in their bed entertaining men. What a crappy example of a mother.


----------



## farsidejunky

michelleM68 said:


> That was kind of them. Give your in laws the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. You may need their help and support later when an unexpected emergency arises.


This. It won't cause it to hurt any less should they change course at a later time, but at least you will be able to look at yourself in the bathroom mirror.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I received, what I believe to be a drunk texts last night.
> 02:33 am.
> " I messed up, I can't believe that I messed up this bad. I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to dig deep in your heart, and realize that what we had was good, until I ruined it."
> 
> 02:35
> "Are you awake?"
> 
> 02:36
> "I know I can't apologize enough, and ill always regret losing you. I'm sorry for what I've done, im sorry for who I've been this whole year"
> 
> 02:43
> "If you are awake maybe I could come to the house"
> 
> Anyway, I haven't responded. Judging by the time it was, I think her and the POSOM were having a girls night out lol. Good for them, they get some much needed alone time.
> I hope she feels like crap today, as she makes her way to mom and dad's house.
> Maybe her and the POSOM got in an argument, is what I'm thinking.
> 
> The kids and I watched movies, ate popcorn, and did some artwork.
> Headed out of town today. Gotta get ready for a work week also.


She probably got dumped, or somehow the luster wore off of her relationship with POSOM. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Believe me, ive thought that through. Every imaginable freaky quirk, that would cause someone to turn like this. She might not even be getting the orgasms, so now what...at least I made sure she was satisfied first.
> It sucks that this whole thing is based off of sex, and pushed in to a game of cheap desires.


Don't make the mistake of thinking her currency is the same as the POSOM's. She is giving him sex for the ego kibbles she gets from being wanted by him.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## QuietRiot

Rus47 said:


> I don't know the acronym. For OP's benefit, what is it, how would he access and how could he utilize it? Is it provided by medical professionals? Maybe used for PTSD victims? Isn't PTSD what OP will be dealing with going forward?


Basically, it’s a type of therapy which processes trauma in the brain more effectively so that the trauma becomes more like normal thoughts and memory, rather than a nightmarish movie stuck on replay. It is a bilateral brain processing done with eye movement, or certain sounds on headphones or even buzzing devices held in each hand. Therapists will have in their credentials if they are trained to do this type of therapy. People with PTSD do get a lot of benefit from this type of therapy. And yes, many would classify infidelity trauma as a form of PTSD. 

It sounds like voodoo, but it’s easier than dolls and pins if you ask me. It worked for me and several people I know, and I had some pretty horrific mind movies and triggers going on… constantly. Not only that, improvement is usually pretty rapid. I’m a big fan.


----------



## BoSlander

farsidejunky said:


> She is giving him sex for the ego kibbles she gets from being wanted by him.


Most likely the sex the OP always wanted but never got too. 

That's why cheating is such a traumatic experience.

I know someone who confronted his cheating wife about it and she basically told him "well, you didn't know how to ask."


----------



## Rus47

QuietRiot said:


> Basically, it’s a type of therapy which processes trauma in the brain more effectively so that the trauma becomes more like normal thoughts and memory, rather than a nightmarish movie stuck on replay. It is a bilateral brain processing done with eye movement, or certain sounds on headphones or even buzzing devices held in each hand. Therapists will have in their credentials if they are trained to do this type of therapy. People with PTSD do get a lot of benefit from this type of therapy. And yes, many would classify infidelity trauma as a form of PTSD.
> 
> It sounds like voodoo, but it’s easier than dolls and pins if you ask me.* It worked for me and several people I know, and I had some pretty horrific mind movies and triggers going on…* constantly. Not only that, improvement is usually pretty rapid. I’m a big fan.


This needs to be more widely publicized, especially on the TAM infidelity thread! This is something that could benefit any victimized by adultery. OP especially ought to seek this out for his benefit. I can't imagine how horrible his experience was. And his STBX has the gall to send drunk texts apologizing. What a lowlife.


----------



## Rus47

BoSlander said:


> Most likely the sex the OP always wanted but never got too.
> 
> *That's why cheating is such a traumatic experience*.
> 
> I know someone who confronted his cheating wife about it and she basically told him "well, you didn't know how to ask."


All sorts of BS excuses from a cheater.

I don't get the sense that OP thought there was anything lacking in the sex department. He keeps trying to process in the context that his wife "always came first", so can't imagine she did it for orgasms. He said she was moaning like it was her first time, most likely a high from having illicit sex in their home in their bed. And/or from feeling a different someone inside. Dopamine from doing something forbidden.

There was a woman on TAM who told story about getting with an old married friend of hers who her husband hated. She was the aggressor. She screwed him everywhere she could think of, even all over her home, all over the AP's home, his bed. Still did her husband. To point she got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. But she freely acknowledged her husband was way better lover than her AP in every single department. Her husband rocked her world readily. She did it because she wanted to.

Maybe in her 40s, OP's wife like a lot of other people both male and female think they missed something by not sleeping around in their youth. So, they go totally off of the rails. Once they climb over the fence the first time, they can never find their way home again. It's like a person after their first drug hit. The demon has them under control from then on.


----------



## Megaforce

I think you should be unwavering in your decision to divorce. It is very scary, especially with the young children. But, for your future happiness and mental health, you should do it. 
I cannot envision how it would be possible for you to ever trust your wife going forward. You have now seen behind her mask. I think you would need a lobotomy to tolerate any future with such a cold, callous, dishonest person.
Please stay the course and please allow your lawyer to zealously represent you. Do not make unnecessary concessions. Get what you are entitled to under the law.
My children were at similar ages to yours. I told them in non graphic terms why we were divorcing. One of my main concerns , among many, was for their safety being exposed to the OM. It is a fact that the boyfriends of single moms pose one of the most serious threats to the children.
In your case this is particularly true, as this man is so morally bankrupt. I think it is unimaginable that a person of any type of integrity and morality would have sex with a married mother in her home. He is a sociopath and your kids are not safe anywhere near him.


----------



## Rus47

Megaforce said:


> I think it is unimaginable that a person of any type of integrity and morality would have sex with a married mother in her home. He is a sociopath and your kids are not safe anywhere near him.


My impression is OP could kick OMs A$$ every day and twice on Sunday. In fact, it wouldnt surprise me if OM dumped STBX because he values his health. I suspect he has a harem and she isnt worth the risk. He already had her so no reason to go further.

He may not have realized she was married until OP put him in choke hold and pulled him off as he was slamming her from behind. Bet that was shock of his life he will never forget.

OM avoided trip to hospital by STBX saving him. Saved by a woman! Some “stud” there.


----------



## re16

Rus47 said:


> He may not have realized she was married until OP put him in choke hold and pulled him off as he was slamming her from behind.





CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this.


OM knew what he was doing....


----------



## BoSlander

Rus47 said:


> There was a woman on TAM who told story about getting with an old married friend of hers who her husband hated. She was the aggressor. She screwed him everywhere she could think of, even all over her home, all over the AP's home, his bed. Still did her husband. To point she got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. But she freely acknowledged her husband was way better lover than her AP in every single department. Her husband rocked her world readily. She did it because she wanted to.


Believe it or not, that was me. You hit it right on the head. While my wife was doing the other guy, she was giving it to me any time I wanted it. That was new to me and I got a huge ego boost from it. Little did I know I was getting a burger with fries while the other guy was getting a full 12 course meal.

Now I’ve developed a physical disgust for her… I can’t even shake hands with her. She’s on suicide watch and her in-laws pleaded for me to come over to their house and let her talk to me and… she ran to the door and hugged me like she wanted to choke me out… I got to my house later that night and I had to take a 2-hour long bath from the disgust I was feeling.


----------



## Rus47

BoSlander said:


> That was new to me and I got a huge ego boost from it.


Any time there is a change in either direction, it's probably best to investigate what's going on.



BoSlander said:


> Now I’ve developed a physical disgust for her… I can’t even shake hands with her.


Of course. How long did that take? One other gentleman @Vaughan arrived there in about 6 months after finding out. @CursiveWritingOnTheWall just found out, but seems he has already arrived at disgust. Of course he pulled the OM off of her while they were going at it in the marital bed, so he didn't go through the "finding proof" most betrayed go through. I think @CursiveWritingOnTheWall will have about forgotten who his STBX was in less than 12 monhs.



BoSlander said:


> I had to take a 2-hour long bath from the disgust I was feeling.


So are you going to continue answering panic calls from your ex-inlaws? Are you still married to her? If not, seems to me they would be just as well to call 911 instead of bothering you. The police are better equipped to deal with people who are a danger to themselves or others.


----------



## re16

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall 

How are you doing? Hope you are hanging in there...


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

TXTrini said:


> So Cursive, you made it through the weekend! How's this week looking for you?


I took the weekend off, I usually work weekends. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing and see where it takes me. 
The kids and I spent the weekend together.
I learned a lot about them that i didnt know also. Was actually an eye opener to be a single dad, with two little people, i felt like i hadnt really known them until now. Which kinda made me feel like i had been working too much.
She stayed at her moms house again, knowing I was here. Wednesday she came home while the kids were in school. She looked like heļļ and I could tell she had been crying. She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her. 
The process server caught her at her mom's house that morning. I didn't know until she showed up, and until I checked my emails later after she left.
I told her "why would I fight for someone who let their fantasies take control of their life, and betray me Ultimately?" 
She apologized again and again, so I played on it, telling her I wanted answers. 
She said the guy she's been seeing was the manager of our local Safeway, and I knew that I had seen him before recollecting on it. 
I've seen him there before. 
She used to ask me to go to the grocery store with her all the time, and I would. Then, she stopped asking, and would start getting dolled up to go. She would put her hair down, and makeup on, wear tight clothes, and perfume. And just thought she wanted to feel better about herself, it seemed to make sense at the time. Then she would go every Friday morning to get the kids a certain lunch for school, since Fridays are a short day. Always getting fixed up Friday mornings. 
I went to the store with her once, and had actually witnessed a little flirtatious exchange of smiles back and forth between them...again naive I was. I haven't processed all these thoughts until now, as they hit me like rewinding a movie. 
Turns out, this guy does odd jobs also around town as a handyman, and is in several peoples houses, and often. Apparently my STBX had asked him to take a look at something while I was out of town, and that's when it started. She initiated the whole thing. 
Looking back on this now...and if someone can help me understand, please do. During our whole relationship, she has always made eye contact and smiles with men, everywhere we went, she would notice only the men in any room, and they would also notice her, noticing them. With total lack of respect towards me even being there. 
Have I been a tool, this whole time? Or did I just put too much trust in someone that didn't deserve it? Was she Fickle? Either way, I just want answers, I believe I'll feel better knowing. 
She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. She's losing a life, that I don't think she actually wants to live, but rather run home to it when she feels like being a wife and mom.
Makes me sad to think she'll be like this for any length of time. I mean, what age do people grow out of this? Is this a mid life crisis for her? 
Anyway, there's more. I'll post as it comes to me. Feeling like I typed myself in to more emotional disfunction here lol! 
To all of you whom are concerned, and have helped me understand. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those of you who haven given me advice and input, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Have a good day...hey, it's Friday.


----------



## ABHale

Why fight for someone that didn’t fight for you and the marriage.

Why fight for a gutter trash hoe.

Why fight for someone that put her own fantasies ahead of the family that she destroyed.

Why fight for someone that cared more for the affair partner then the husband she utterly betrayed.


----------



## re16

Your stbxw seems like a woman that thrives on male validation. It is a high risk personality trait for cheating.

Seems like this was built into her and has been there for a long time, you just finally put the pieces together. Personally, I don't think this is a mid-life crisis, she just got too comfortable with what she was doing and got caught. She wasn't ever the woman you thought she was or the woman she attempted to portray to you.

This is likely why she feels so hurt that you won't fight for her, even though she did what she did, you are not providing validation for her and it is the ultimate rejection in her mind.

You are on the right track, stick with it, life will get better.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I took the weekend off, I usually work weekends. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing and see where it takes me.
> The kids and I spent the weekend together.
> I learned a lot about them that i didnt know also. Was actually an eye opener to be a single dad, with two little people, i felt like i hadnt really known them until now. Which kinda made me feel like i had been working too much.
> She stayed at her moms house again, knowing I was here. Wednesday she came home while the kids were in school. She looked like heļļ and I could tell she had been crying. She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.
> The process server caught her at her mom's house that morning. I didn't know until she showed up, and until I checked my emails later after she left.
> I told her "why would I fight for someone who let their fantasies take control of their life, and betray me Ultimately?"
> She apologized again and again, so I played on it, telling her I wanted answers.
> She said the guy she's been seeing was the manager of our local Safeway, and I knew that I had seen him before recollecting on it.
> I've seen him there before.
> She used to ask me to go to the grocery store with her all the time, and I would. Then, she stopped asking, and would start getting dolled up to go. She would put her hair down, and makeup on, wear tight clothes, and perfume. And just thought she wanted to feel better about herself, it seemed to make sense at the time. Then she would go every Friday morning to get the kids a certain lunch for school, since Fridays are a short day. Always getting fixed up Friday mornings.
> I went to the store with her once, and had actually witnessed a little flirtatious exchange of smiles back and forth between them...again naive I was. I haven't processed all these thoughts until now, as they hit me like rewinding a movie.
> Turns out, this guy does odd jobs also around town as a handyman, and is in several peoples houses, and often. Apparently my STBX had asked him to take a look at something while I was out of town, and that's when it started. She initiated the whole thing.
> Looking back on this now...and if someone can help me understand, please do. During our whole relationship, she has always made eye contact and smiles with men, everywhere we went, she would notice only the men in any room, and they would also notice her, noticing them. With total lack of respect towards me even being there.
> Have I been a tool, this whole time? Or did I just put too much trust in someone that didn't deserve it? Was she Fickle? Either way, I just want answers, I believe I'll feel better knowing.
> She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. She's losing a life, that I don't think she actually wants to live, but rather run home to it when she feels like being a wife and mom.
> Makes me sad to think she'll be like this for any length of time. I mean, what age do people grow out of this? Is this a mid life crisis for her?
> Anyway, there's more. I'll post as it comes to me. Feeling like I typed myself in to more emotional disfunction here lol!
> To all of you whom are concerned, and have helped me understand. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those of you who haven given me advice and input, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
> Have a good day...hey, it's Friday.


Wow. The consequences of infidelity are huge, and now she’s feeling them.
You’re doing great @CursiveWritingOnTheWall even though it surely doesn’t feel like it.
One day you’ll look back and know you did the right thing.

Really hoping for the best for you and your kids.


----------



## Zedd

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.


Your answer was good. Just keep saying it. "Why would I? Don't _*I*_ deserve better than this?"


----------



## Openminded

You would be the biggest fool on the planet to take her back. She’s spent years, right in front of you, checking out other men and letting them know that she was. If this guy was the first I’d be amazed. And now she’s all sad because you won’t fight for her. Poor little thing. The truth is that she’s trash. Plain and simple trash. Don’t ever forget it.


----------



## re16

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall 

Sounds like you got control of the house back, what are her thoughts on that? Have you discussed assets etc with her regarding the upcoming divorce? Curious to see what her attitude will be about it. Most cheaters show their true selfish colors and fight dirty during divorce.... be prepared.


----------



## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I took the weekend off, I usually work weekends. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing and see where it takes me.
> The kids and I spent the weekend together.
> I learned a lot about them that i didnt know also. Was actually an eye opener to be a single dad, with two little people, i felt like i hadnt really known them until now. Which kinda made me feel like i had been working too much.
> She stayed at her moms house again, knowing I was here. Wednesday she came home while the kids were in school. She looked like heļļ and I could tell she had been crying. She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.
> The process server caught her at her mom's house that morning. I didn't know until she showed up, and until I checked my emails later after she left.
> I told her "why would I fight for someone who let their fantasies take control of their life, and betray me Ultimately?"
> She apologized again and again, so I played on it, telling her I wanted answers.
> She said the guy she's been seeing was the manager of our local Safeway, and I knew that I had seen him before recollecting on it.
> I've seen him there before.
> She used to ask me to go to the grocery store with her all the time, and I would. Then, she stopped asking, and would start getting dolled up to go. She would put her hair down, and makeup on, wear tight clothes, and perfume. And just thought she wanted to feel better about herself, it seemed to make sense at the time. Then she would go every Friday morning to get the kids a certain lunch for school, since Fridays are a short day. Always getting fixed up Friday mornings.
> I went to the store with her once, and had actually witnessed a little flirtatious exchange of smiles back and forth between them...again naive I was. I haven't processed all these thoughts until now, as they hit me like rewinding a movie.
> Turns out, this guy does odd jobs also around town as a handyman, and is in several peoples houses, and often. Apparently my STBX had asked him to take a look at something while I was out of town, and that's when it started. She initiated the whole thing.
> Looking back on this now...and if someone can help me understand, please do. During our whole relationship, she has always made eye contact and smiles with men, everywhere we went, she would notice only the men in any room, and they would also notice her, noticing them. With total lack of respect towards me even being there.
> Have I been a tool, this whole time? Or did I just put too much trust in someone that didn't deserve it? Was she Fickle? Either way, I just want answers, I believe I'll feel better knowing.
> She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. She's losing a life, that I don't think she actually wants to live, but rather run home to it when she feels like being a wife and mom.
> Makes me sad to think she'll be like this for any length of time. I mean, what age do people grow out of this? Is this a mid life crisis for her?
> Anyway, there's more. I'll post as it comes to me. Feeling like I typed myself in to more emotional disfunction here lol!
> To all of you whom are concerned, and have helped me understand. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those of you who haven given me advice and input, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
> Have a good day...hey, it's Friday.


It sounds like you had a great weekend, despite all the crap going on. Wow, she's really a piece of work. She throws you away, then can't "understand" why you'd fight for her? People fight over treasure, not trash, she best gets used to life in the dumpster. 

You're not a tool, she's selfish and has no impulse control, like @re16 said, she's a high risk person for cheating. My ex also needs everyone to kiss his ass, my good opinion wasn't enough for him. Unlike you, he never so much as looked at another woman sideways, my uncle took him to a strip bar to see how he operated before we got married. 

She simply wanted "more", and scratched her itch, what else is there to know? It truly isn't about you, though I know it's hard to see that at the moment. It's too fresh and you need to get a grip on your mind before it takes you down a rabbit hole of self-doubt. 

How are the kids doing with all the upheaval?


----------



## So far so good

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.


We do see this one once in a while… Some women somehow imagine that they are a prize, it’s ok to be married, get a lover or three, and that her husband should fight to get her back.

ahhh, the husband and the lovers to compete on who will get the amazing her… until the next competition. Who will be the lucky winner this week???

If you actually want to bother arguing about this, say that a spouse should not be required to fight for his or her spouse vs lovers.

How about you get a mistress and organize a friendly competition on who is giving the best BJ? Once a month, she would have the opportunity to keep you…  

The reality is that she fired you as her husband and chose the Safeway guy, then she is free to go with the Safeway guy. She is also free to organize competitions between various grocery store manager and see who fights the best.

And you are free to go find a woman who understands what it means to be in relationship.

Is the OM married?


----------



## re16

So far so good said:


> We do see this one once in a while… Some women somehow imagine that they are a prize, it’s ok to be married, get a lover or three, and that her husband should fight to get her back.


Yep, she expected Cursive to do a pick me dance. She is now learning that he has more self-respect than she thought.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I told her "why would I fight for someone who let their fantasies take control of their life, and betray me Ultimately?"


Those may be the most powerful words you have ever spoken. Stick to them because future happiness, free of an adulteress and all around crappy wife (she may have played the role well, but she is in reality a crappy wife).

Your children's future will also be shaped by those words and their concurrent actions. They will learn from you that they will not live with being disrespected and betrayed in their future relationships.

You are setting an excellent example here. Stick to it.

I know it hurts and a part of you feels hollow, this in time will pass leaving space for an amazing future and amazing future relationship with someone who is not an undercover POS.


----------



## TexasMom1216

re16 said:


> Yep, she expected Cursive to do a pick me dance. She is now learning that he has more self-respect than she thought.


Can’t stand people like this. Expecting their spouse to compete and struggle to be “good enough.” Using dread and threats to keep their spouse in line and acting out in hateful and hurtful ways when they don’t. Cursive’s wife deserves to be all alone, so she can spend her life with the only person she really cares about. I hope his attorneys are able to move fast and decisively and get him away from her as soon as possible so he can get on with his life and find the happiness he deserves.


----------



## Evinrude58

I hear this often (That the cheater will cheat again) and honestly nobody knows..,.. but the way you describe your wife, I’d say that there is almost metaphysical certitude that she will cheat on ANYBODY she is ever with. It’s simply her nature. She’s not monogamous in any way. You have zero fault for her cheating.
She is what she is. I’d say you are very foolish and should know if you take her back, she would then have the green light to continue with the next guy because not only does she like doing it, you’d be proving that you’ll accept it. Run. Just freaking run to an attorney.


----------



## blackclover3

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall 
quick question and I'm really curious
why him?
if you can provide us an honest question please

is he
better looking
better body?
built body?
taller, Shorter?
younger/older?
darker/lighter?
personality?

I'm just trying to understand what attract them to certain type and why. there is no excuse what so ever to what she did and what she put through you. what does he have that you dont. 

don't fall for " fantasy" crap of excuse


----------



## Megaforce

So, now you have another utterance from her virtually guaranteeing that she is a narcissist, devoid of empathy, this " fight for me" blather. This woman is many standard deviations from normal. 
My XW is, too. 
I do not know if you will experience this, but after our divorce, a good number of folks that knew us both( including some of her old friends and even one of her sisters) came forward to tell me they had observed her narcissism for most of her life.
You may be surprised at what others have observed but have kept quiet about for fear of interfering. 
I expect there is no way your wife is able to act the way she has and say the things she has to you without being the type of person whose selfishness has been noticed by others. 
Frankly, the things she has said and her cheating make her seem like a real monster. 
I bet when you look back, with more perspective, you will start to recall behaviors and incidents that clearly show her narcissism, things that you glossed over or told yourself they were no big deal.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.


The entitlement is strong with that one! What a bunch of BS!!



CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She would put her hair down, and makeup on, wear tight clothes, and perfume.


Never did that for you did she? She already had you, so didnt need to apply any effort to keep you.



CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> she would notice only the men in any room, and they would also notice her, noticing them. With total lack of respect towards me even being there.


This is who she has always been. You aren't the first man to be attracted to a woman who likes to play to any man anywhere. That is how she attracted you in the first place. She isn't now and never was wife material. 

I have written before, would be astounded if Mr Safeway handyman was her first rodeo. And it for sure won't be her last. So leaving her in your dust ASAP is the best path forward for you.



CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. She's losing a life, that I don't think she actually wants to live,


This exactly. A cake eater. 

My advice, is stop trying to figure out why she is so f*** up. It makes no difference. H3ll SHE doesn't know why she is like she is. Probably will keep flashing men until she is wrinkled and grey.

You have done great! You have an attorney, filed, and carrying on with life in a very short time. Most men in your situation spend a long time trying to figure out why the mother of their children is so messed up, then do a "pick me" dance to try to "fight for her". You have done everything right so far, keep putting one foot in front of the other and push for a quick conclusion. Mr Safeway did a favor in that you caught them in the act. Tell your attorney whatever you know about this guy. If you have a name give that to the attorney. Other than that, ignore him and your STBX. Probably best to shop somewhere other than Safeway, you don't want emotion to push you into mistakes. Keep a cool head.

BTW, if it hadn't been Mr Safeway it would have been some other a**hole. Your STBX has been trolling for your entire marriage.

Get this divorce over and done ASAP. Let your attorney drive toward completion. Speed reduces your mental anguish and financial cost. In your shoes I would be conversing with @Vaughan. He just finished his journey.

Also, the fewer words you speak to her and the fewer you hear from her the better your mental state will be. I mean what could she possibly say that is even worth hearing. And anything you say is just ammunition that can be used later against you. You are at the beginning of a war against your worst enemy.


----------



## Rus47

re16 said:


> @CursiveWritingOnTheWall
> 
> Sounds like you got control of the house back, what are her thoughts on that? Have you discussed assets etc with her regarding the upcoming divorce? Curious to see what her attitude will be about it. Most cheaters show their true selfish colors and fight dirty during divorce.... be prepared.


@CursiveWritingOnTheWall needs to let his attorney manage the discussions about assets etc. As I understand it those are usually managed in writing between attorneys. Financial decisions are best held away from anything emotional. I actually think the only discussions with her should be regarding the kids. And not in person but via remote method recommended by his attorney. The less contact he has and the more at arms length that contact is the better for OP.


----------



## Perkman0109

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I took the weekend off, I usually work weekends. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing and see where it takes me.
> The kids and I spent the weekend together.
> I learned a lot about them that i didnt know also. Was actually an eye opener to be a single dad, with two little people, i felt like i hadnt really known them until now. Which kinda made me feel like i had been working too much.
> She stayed at her moms house again, knowing I was here. Wednesday she came home while the kids were in school. She looked like heļļ and I could tell she had been crying. She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.
> The process server caught her at her mom's house that morning. I didn't know until she showed up, and until I checked my emails later after she left.
> I told her "why would I fight for someone who let their fantasies take control of their life, and betray me Ultimately?"
> She apologized again and again, so I played on it, telling her I wanted answers.
> She said the guy she's been seeing was the manager of our local Safeway, and I knew that I had seen him before recollecting on it.
> I've seen him there before.
> She used to ask me to go to the grocery store with her all the time, and I would. Then, she stopped asking, and would start getting dolled up to go. She would put her hair down, and makeup on, wear tight clothes, and perfume. And just thought she wanted to feel better about herself, it seemed to make sense at the time. Then she would go every Friday morning to get the kids a certain lunch for school, since Fridays are a short day. Always getting fixed up Friday mornings.
> I went to the store with her once, and had actually witnessed a little flirtatious exchange of smiles back and forth between them...again naive I was. I haven't processed all these thoughts until now, as they hit me like rewinding a movie.
> Turns out, this guy does odd jobs also around town as a handyman, and is in several peoples houses, and often. Apparently my STBX had asked him to take a look at something while I was out of town, and that's when it started. She initiated the whole thing.
> Looking back on this now...and if someone can help me understand, please do. During our whole relationship, she has always made eye contact and smiles with men, everywhere we went, she would notice only the men in any room, and they would also notice her, noticing them. With total lack of respect towards me even being there.
> Have I been a tool, this whole time? Or did I just put too much trust in someone that didn't deserve it? Was she Fickle? Either way, I just want answers, I believe I'll feel better knowing.
> She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. She's losing a life, that I don't think she actually wants to live, but rather run home to it when she feels like being a wife and mom.
> Makes me sad to think she'll be like this for any length of time. I mean, what age do people grow out of this? Is this a mid life crisis for her?
> Anyway, there's more. I'll post as it comes to me. Feeling like I typed myself in to more emotional disfunction here lol!
> To all of you whom are concerned, and have helped me understand. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those of you who haven given me advice and input, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
> Have a good day...hey, it's Friday.


The fight for her comment is unbelievable. Tell her you'll never get the mental images of them out of your mind and she digusts you.
I'd also get in touch with Safeways HR dept and let them know that their store manager has been having an affair with a customer and you'll blast it all over social media.

That jerk needs a forced career change. 

Take care of yourself.


----------



## ABHale

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall, you look like you’re doing the best you can under the circumstances. I’m glad you are finally seeing your kids for who they are. It is never too late to be apart of their lives in a more meaningful way. Keep your head about you when dealing with your STBXW, don’t let her betray you or put you in a position that she can have you arrested.


----------



## Rus47

Perkman0109 said:


> The fight for her comment is unbelievable. Tell her you'll never get the mental images of them out of your mind and she digusts you.
> I'd also get in touch with Safeways HR dept and let them know that their store manager has been having an affair with a customer and you'll blast it all over social media.
> 
> That jerk needs a forced career change.
> 
> Take care of yourself.


This is always a temptation. IMO the less drama the better until the divorce decree is done. Getting involved with anything else is not in his interest. When he gives the OM name to his attorney, OP can ask if this has any bearing on the divorce. In most jurisdictions it does not.

OP can make a project of the OM AFTER the divorce is signed and sealed.


----------



## QuietRiot

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I took the weekend off, I usually work weekends. I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing and see where it takes me.
> The kids and I spent the weekend together.
> I learned a lot about them that i didnt know also. Was actually an eye opener to be a single dad, with two little people, i felt like i hadnt really known them until now. Which kinda made me feel like i had been working too much.
> She stayed at her moms house again, knowing I was here. Wednesday she came home while the kids were in school. She looked like heļļ and I could tell she had been crying. She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.
> The process server caught her at her mom's house that morning. I didn't know until she showed up, and until I checked my emails later after she left.
> I told her "why would I fight for someone who let their fantasies take control of their life, and betray me Ultimately?"
> She apologized again and again, so I played on it, telling her I wanted answers.
> She said the guy she's been seeing was the manager of our local Safeway, and I knew that I had seen him before recollecting on it.
> I've seen him there before.
> She used to ask me to go to the grocery store with her all the time, and I would. Then, she stopped asking, and would start getting dolled up to go. She would put her hair down, and makeup on, wear tight clothes, and perfume. And just thought she wanted to feel better about herself, it seemed to make sense at the time. Then she would go every Friday morning to get the kids a certain lunch for school, since Fridays are a short day. Always getting fixed up Friday mornings.
> I went to the store with her once, and had actually witnessed a little flirtatious exchange of smiles back and forth between them...again naive I was. I haven't processed all these thoughts until now, as they hit me like rewinding a movie.
> Turns out, this guy does odd jobs also around town as a handyman, and is in several peoples houses, and often. Apparently my STBX had asked him to take a look at something while I was out of town, and that's when it started. She initiated the whole thing.
> Looking back on this now...and if someone can help me understand, please do. During our whole relationship, she has always made eye contact and smiles with men, everywhere we went, she would notice only the men in any room, and they would also notice her, noticing them. With total lack of respect towards me even being there.
> Have I been a tool, this whole time? Or did I just put too much trust in someone that didn't deserve it? Was she Fickle? Either way, I just want answers, I believe I'll feel better knowing.
> She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. She's losing a life, that I don't think she actually wants to live, but rather run home to it when she feels like being a wife and mom.
> Makes me sad to think she'll be like this for any length of time. I mean, what age do people grow out of this? Is this a mid life crisis for her?
> Anyway, there's more. I'll post as it comes to me. Feeling like I typed myself in to more emotional disfunction here lol!
> To all of you whom are concerned, and have helped me understand. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To those of you who haven given me advice and input, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
> Have a good day...hey, it's Friday.


Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ll never trust a person who gets a thrill from “harmless flirtation” again. 

We didn’t know, we couldn’t have known that they’d sow those seeds of needing excitement and validation. Seeds that can take decades to bloom. 

“Midlife crisis” to me is simply an excuse for having sh*t character and no integrity. But sure, let’s call it a “midlife crisis”.


----------



## SnowToArmPits

> She asked me why I didn't care to even try to make it all work out, and why I wouldn't fight for her.


When you walked in or her f***ing that asshole,what was it she told you...

"Well now you know, I'm sorry"


----------



## jlg07

QuietRiot said:


> Basically, it’s a type of therapy which processes trauma in the brain more effectively so that the trauma becomes more like normal thoughts and memory, rather than a nightmarish movie stuck on replay. It is a bilateral brain processing done with eye movement, or certain sounds on headphones or even buzzing devices held in each hand. Therapists will have in their credentials if they are trained to do this type of therapy. People with PTSD do get a lot of benefit from this type of therapy. And yes, many would classify infidelity trauma as a form of PTSD.
> 
> It sounds like voodoo, but it’s easier than dolls and pins if you ask me. It worked for me and several people I know, and I had some pretty horrific mind movies and triggers going on… constantly. Not only that, improvement is usually pretty rapid. I’m a big fan.


Here is some info on EMDR -- my son uses it for some of his clients and it DOES help (it's weird -- combines specific body movements with thoughts....)








What is EMDR? - EMDR Institute - EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING THERAPY


Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with



www.emdr.com


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

blackclover3 said:


> @CursiveWritingOnTheWall
> quick question and I'm really curious
> why him?
> if you can provide us an honest question please
> 
> is he
> better looking
> better body?
> built body?
> taller, Shorter?
> younger/older?
> darker/lighter?
> personality?
> 
> I'm just trying to understand what attract them to certain type and why. there is no excuse what so ever to what she did and what she put through you. what does he have that you dont.
> 
> don't fall for " fantasy" crap of excuse


What he has that Cursive doesn't is just a whole lotta new relationship energy. He was a different willing **** and she wanted some variety. It could have been anybody from the sounds of it; this guy was just the one who said the right flattering things, and was willing to have sex with a married woman in her marital bed. So it's what this guy lacks - morals, integrity - that's the key difference between him and Cursive.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Marc878 said:


> The only salvation in these situations is to let them go. Staying entangled is a worthless endeavor.


Did you stay with your wife? You’ve very hard on cheaters (rightfully so) and I know you preach no contact. However, after 7 years, does anyone know your story?


----------



## Vaughan

Sorry I haven’t read every response, but it sounds like you are still having conversations with your stbxw that aren’t child business related. 
The sooner you start no contact the better. I use an app called talkingparents.com, and ONLY for direct logistics communication related to our remaining minor child that I am legally required to have (in my case almost nothing as my child is older). My ex still sends pity messages through that court-monitored app, that I 100% ignore.


My ex is trash, just like your stbxw is trash. Stop asking “why is she trash”?


----------



## Vaughan

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Either way, I just want answers, I believe I'll feel better knowing.


I know you do, but you aren’t going to get them. Sorry.




CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I mean, what age do people grow out of this? Is this a mid life crisis for her?


Mine never did, she was still cheating 1 week before her 48th.

Trash. Dead to you. Move on.


----------



## Rus47

Vaughan said:


> The sooner you start no contact the better


@CursiveWritingOnTheWall has a complication regarding this as he is living in his house. As I recall, the only reason you left your house was because of a false DV charge that resulted in a restraining order that forced you out of your own house. Most of us had advised him to stay in his house no matter what. Of course that makes keeping NC a little difficult because he can't kick her out either. Hopefully she will decide to live with her parents, which would be wonderful. But, she hasn't seen an attorney yet, and we know how that will mess things up.

So if you had managed to stay in your house with your kids, how would you have managed NC?


----------



## Hopeless_in_LA

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the legal system? But is it tho??
> I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
> Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded.
> At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.


I am in your shoes and after evaluating my self I know that there is nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my husbands choices. Am I perfect? Absolutley Not! Does this give my spouse and excuse to cheat? Absolutel NOT. We all make choices some good and others bad, but we are not responsible for the choices of others. I know the feelings though and they are very hard to turn off I struggle with it every day even more so now that the OW due date for her and my husbands baby is just a couple of weeks away. Best of luck and prayers to you!


----------



## Megaforce

Hopeless_in_LA said:


> I am in your shoes and after evaluating my self I know that there is nothing I could have done to change the outcome of my husbands choices. Am I perfect? Absolutley Not! Does this give my spouse and excuse to cheat? Absolutel NOT. We all make choices some good and others bad, but we are not responsible for the choices of others. I know the feelings though and they are very hard to turn off I struggle with it every day even more so now that the OW due date for her and my husbands baby is just a couple of weeks away. Best of luck and prayers to you!


I cannot tell you just how common it is for a recently betrayed person to, unjustifiably, look within and find fault or deficiencies, and think these caused the cheating. This introspection, alone, is a pretty clear sign that the betrayed is a decent person, one who is capable of self reflection, unlike cheaters.
Not one person on earth is perfect. Our vows did not include a caveat that fidelity was contingent on our spouse being perfect. Cheaters, I think it can be said with certainty, are, however, even more imperfect than normal. They lie with aplomb, lack empathy, are poor communicators and problem solvers.
I think many betrayed would be justified in thinking" if imperfections like abuse and neglect are reasons to cheat, I surely had ample cause, myself."


----------



## Vaughan

Rus47 said:


> So if you had managed to stay in your house with your kids, how would you have managed NC?


Live in a separate room. Video cameras running anywhere there is a potential confrontation. Someone will break and leave, your resolve needs to be stronger than hers.
Yes I was forced to leave, otherwise I would have stayed and made her life hell until she did.


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## Rus47

Well it makes a lot more sense for her to live with her parents, so hopefully she will make that decision on her own. OP has no relatives or close friends where they live, his STBX moved him away from his support network to where she was from a decade ago. He seems every bit as tough as you are, just of course no experience dealing with the crap his STBX delivered.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> But why?? She made this choice, but why? Was I not good enough? The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
> This is what I don't get here...what the hell does this guy have that I don't? I can guarantee that he's no more well endowed then I am. He seems smart and funny, and witty, but I am also. I try at everything I accomplish, including being a dad, and not just a father. I could have sworn I was a good husband, and a good lay for that matter...so what, what is it? Did she just want sex? From someone else? Is she in love with him?
> Yes she was the one who did it, and she made the choice. He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this. These words are coming from someone else, I don't feel like me. I don't know if I'll ever be me.
> Time heals wounds right?? I need a fast forward button, or Adam Sandlers remote control


It's done. No need at all to continue to wonder why. 

Move back into the house, sell house, move on.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Going in to this consultation on Monday, im gradually becoming aggravated. I don't want to lose my sh** and make this worse. I do however understand that she might try and falsely accuse me of domestic violence. With that being said, I'm not violent. I don't even spank my kids when they do wrong, I'd rather sit and talk and tell them what they did wrong. I've never hit any women, nor verbally abusive to anyone. Just to ease some thoughts tho, I will be on the defensive now.
> As for not being at home...I just can't do it right now. I can't be there. It's too hard and way to empty.


Watch out for the old country song being or coming true....That's My House But that's Not My Truck.....


----------



## Rus47

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Watch out for the old country song being or coming true....That's My House But that's Not My Truck.....


He is back in his house. His STBX is at her parent’s at last update. OP is handling this like a boss.


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## Evinrude58

Regarding wondering why:

once you get out of the relationship and have time for those emotions to disappear, it will be obvious as to the why. And you WILL NOT CARE. The why is obvious, you have her on a pedestal and just can’t see it. You’re blind to it. She’s just a low person. She didn’t love you. And she chose some pleasure with another guy because she just didn’t care if it hurt you and is too lacking in conscience for it to bother her. All this will be plain when you don’t give a **** anymore.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

So many questions now, it's hard to answer all of them. The first conversation I had with her in person, I just wanted all the answers that were driving me mad. After I received the answers that I damn near already knew to be true and what I thought...I actually felt better. Maybe knowing that I wasn't completely losing my sh** and that I still have some intuition left.
Someone mentioned me mopping the floor with the OM. Damn straight. And that's why I haven't, because I'll hurt him...bad. 
Found out where he works, who he is, how it all happened. And turns out he's not married. I was hoping he was. I wanted so badly to go tell his wife what I stumbled upon. Now I think about it, and it's one less person harmed in all this mess. 
Today is a good day for me, im feeling some confidence rebuilding going on, and some normalcy starting to come around. Still get choked up, and I've decided that the radio is just not good right now. 

I'm back to work, in fact working today. And it does feel kind of good. I'm in direct correspondence with my attorney, and we are working on assets, and what will be determined, when, how, all that. My X is back at the house, and it's been hard to live so awkwardly for the last few days. The run ins in the hallway and on the stairs, the meeting in the kitchen at the same time, those types of things. 
Right now it appears to be limbo, until we get some hearings and court dates. 
The state is forcing us to mediation, which I believe is a requirement, because I said heļļ no, and my attorney said "you have to"
So we'll see how that goes...


----------



## re16

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> So many questions now, it's hard to answer all of them. The first conversation I had with her in person, I just wanted all the answers that were driving me mad. After I received the answers that I damn near already knew to be true and what I thought...I actually felt better. Maybe knowing that I wasn't completely losing my sh** and that I still have some intuition left.
> Someone mentioned me mopping the floor with the OM. Damn straight. And that's why I haven't, because I'll hurt him...bad.
> Found out where he works, who he is, how it all happened. And turns out he's not married. I was hoping he was. I wanted so badly to go tell his wife what I stumbled upon. Now I think about it, and it's one less person harmed in all this mess.
> Today is a good day for me, im feeling some confidence rebuilding going on, and some normalcy starting to come around. Still get choked up, and I've decided that the radio is just not good right now.
> 
> I'm back to work, in fact working today. And it does feel kind of good. I'm in direct correspondence with my attorney, and we are working on assets, and what will be determined, when, how, all that. My X is back at the house, and it's been hard to live so awkwardly for the last few days. The run ins in the hallway and on the stairs, the meeting in the kitchen at the same time, those types of things.
> Right now it appears to be limbo, until we get some hearings and court dates.
> The state is forcing us to mediation, which I believe is a requirement, because I said heļļ no, and my attorney said "you have to"
> So we'll see how that goes...


Cursive,

Glad to hear you are taking it head on and are back in the house.

Play your cards close to your chest and keep your emotions in check around her. Keep yourself as busy as possible.

She is not to be trusted. Mediation will likely consist of her putting forth a very unfair offer, you rejecting it, her attorney adjusting it slightly, and then you reject it again... then you move on to the courtroom...


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## Evinrude58

One minute at a time. You’ll get through this. 
just do what your attorney suggests. You might consider having a VAR to protect yourself from a domestic charge she can use to get you kicked out of your house.


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## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> So many questions now, it's hard to answer all of them. The first conversation I had with her in person, I just wanted all the answers that were driving me mad. After I received the answers that I damn near already knew to be true and what I thought...I actually felt better. Maybe knowing that I wasn't completely losing my sh** and that I still have some intuition left.
> Someone mentioned me mopping the floor with the OM. Damn straight. And that's why I haven't, because I'll hurt him...bad.
> Found out where he works, who he is, how it all happened. And turns out he's not married. I was hoping he was. I wanted so badly to go tell his wife what I stumbled upon. Now I think about it, and it's one less person harmed in all this mess.
> Today is a good day for me, im feeling some confidence rebuilding going on, and some normalcy starting to come around. Still get choked up, and I've decided that the radio is just not good right now.
> 
> I'm back to work, in fact working today. And it does feel kind of good. I'm in direct correspondence with my attorney, and we are working on assets, and what will be determined, when, how, all that. My X is back at the house, and it's been hard to live so awkwardly for the last few days. The run ins in the hallway and on the stairs, the meeting in the kitchen at the same time, those types of things.
> Right now it appears to be limbo, until we get some hearings and court dates.
> The state is forcing us to mediation, which I believe is a requirement, because I said heļļ no, and my attorney said "you have to"
> So we'll see how that goes...


FWIW, mediation is nearly always part of a lawsuit these days. In fact some attorneys specialize in "Mediation". After all, the entire process is really just negotiation. If you can successfully agree to terms it can save you a ton of time and money. Time is of the essence. @Vaughan XW drug things out unnecessarily and it just cost both him AND her a bunch of money. She ended up with less than he originally offered her during mediation.

Sounds like you are making real progress in every respect. 

As Vaughan said with her in the house it may be awkward, stand your ground and let her decide to leave for her parents. Are you carrying a VAR to protect you from a fake DV charge? Have you discussed this with your attorney. Last question, is your state an "at fault" state, what did your attorney say about you knowing who the OM is? Is that information your attorney can use for advantage?


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## Openminded

Mediation works when you’re dealing with a reasonable party. Sometimes the possibility of exposure to the entire world helps with the process. My exH wanted to maintain his pristine image so he was more cooperative than he would have been had he not cared about that.


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## re16

Openminded said:


> Mediation works when you’re dealing with a reasonable party. Sometimes the possibility of exposure to the entire world helps with the process. My exH wanted to maintain his pristine image so he was more cooperative than he would have been had he not cared about that.


I fully agree that he should leverage anything he has in this situation to get an advantage.


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## Affaircare

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall ,

People have suggested carrying a VAR (voice-activated recorder, like this: *48GB Digital Voice Recorder* and no doubt someone right behind that post will say it's "illegal" to record someone... so let me educate you. 

The concept of carrying a VAR would be to guard or defend yourself against false Domestic Violence (DV) charges...so you carry around a small recorder and whenever you have to interact with your STBXW, you record the conversation. 

Here are the laws regarding electronic recording: Recording Phone Calls and Conversations: 50-State Survey Please just choose your state and click on it, and you will see a summary of the law in layman's terms AND you'll see the law itself below so you can just click on it and actually read the law for your state yourself. Don't listen to us--read your own law!

But a very brief summary is this: you can record a conversation if you are a party in the conversation -OR- if you're not a party and you're law enforcement and have convinced a judge there's a crime being committed. In other words, you can't legally record a conversation between STBXW and OM unless one of them knows and consents to being recorded.

However, in a conversation between you and STBXW, you would be one of the parties in the conversation and you consent to recording the conversation to defend both of you from any false charge. In all but 15 states, you can legally record a conversation in which you are one of the parties, and STBXW would not need to consent at all. 

If you live in one of the 15 states, that means BOTH parties have to consent...but there is a simple way around that: you start the recorder, hold it out in your hand so that it's visible, and say _*"I am recording this conversation; I give consent to record. If you speak to me, I will consider that as your consent to be recorded. If you do not want to be recorded, then please do not speak to me."*_ In this way, you give your consent on the recording and you give her the chance to either speak to you--which is consent--or NOT speak to you which would mean she leaves you alone! Either way, you have defended yourself against a false DV charge.


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## Megaforce

Openminded said:


> Mediation works when you’re dealing with a reasonable party. Sometimes the possibility of exposure to the entire world helps with the process. My exH wanted to maintain his pristine image so he was more cooperative than he would have been had he not cared about that.


Just make sure your attorney handles any allusions to exposing her, not you. Hopefully, your attorney will know how to make it apparent that exposure is a possibility without any explicitness. It is very important that no allegation of extortion can be made.
My friend who went through this avoided alimony in California of all places, because his supposedly super religious wife feared exposure so much. He simply had her affair partner subpoenaed. The relevance may have been questionable since California is a no fault state. I think he alleged that it was relevant as some marital assets had been squandered in the affair. 
Anyway, no specific threats of exposure. You want to avoid extortion allegations. If she is represented, her attorney should know that you have this card without you having to explicitly tell him or her.


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## Megaforce

People are warning you about false DV charges for a couple reasons.
First, based on what you have told us about your wife and her various utterances, it seems v dr y likely she has a personality disorder. So, she is very capable of this.
Second, in many jurisdictions, even no fault ones, one of the few fault based factors that courts consider in division of assets and custody is domestic violence. It can really affect the outcome. So much so that there are stories of unscrupulous divorce lawyer urging their clients to fabricate.


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## ABHale

How are things @CursiveWritingOnTheWall


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

A lot of silence from the other side. Her parents, whom I love dearly, are very quiet. 
They even talk to me in a lower tone, calm and mellow. I've ran the thought that either they want to remain calm, cool, and collected, for obvious reasons. Or they are just feelithe Rath of her mistakes. 
The kids seem quiet and disturbed, as if they've realized something. The love and sex bomb initiative has definitely begun. And with harsh rejection from me. I could see (in a normal relationship) a rejection so harsh, causing someone to be angry...but she takes it with a grain of salt. I'm still a man, and it's hard to refuse...but still, "the memory remains" (I like Metallica) 
I have a meeting with my attorney this coming Monday. Things tend to move very slow, in a small town.
As for me...im feeling more like myself, slowly becoming me again. Never to be whole again, but this is a start.


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## TXTrini

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> A lot of silence from the other side. Her parents, whom I love dearly, are very quiet.
> They even talk to me in a lower tone, calm and mellow. I've ran the thought that either they want to remain calm, cool, and collected, for obvious reasons. Or they are just feelithe Rath of her mistakes.
> The kids seem quiet and disturbed, as if they've realized something. The love and sex bomb initiative has definitely begun. And with harsh rejection from me. I could see (in a normal relationship) a rejection so harsh, causing someone to be angry...but she takes it with a grain of salt. I'm still a man, and it's hard to refuse...but still, "the memory remains" (I like Metallica)
> I have a meeting with my attorney this coming Monday. Things tend to move very slow, in a small town.
> As for me...im feeling more like myself, slowly becoming me again. Never to be whole again, but this is a start.


You'll be yourself and then some, even if you're missing a piece here and there. Consider it the result of learning a hard lesson and forced growth, especially if you master your anger and don't succeed to her sloppy seconds sex offers. 

I know that feels like a bad thing right now, but when you catch a breath and look back dispassionately on this, and you will... you will understand she did you a huge favor. You seem like a principled person, , she's obviously not.. you were unequally yoked and now the trash has both revealed itself and taken itself out. 

You're doing great, don't let the slowness get to you. Everyday you get stronger as you put yourself back together. Don't worry about the silence of your in-laws, it's not just you, mine were the same. They all turned their backs on me, then when I left and moved away, they're sending crap to my house three years later because I decided they were right bad continued the silence. The only people to worry about now besides you are the kids, have you talked to them? I don't have any advice on that front for you (im not a parent), so I'll leave that to folks who know better.


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## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> As for me...im feeling more like myself, slowly becoming me again. Never to be whole again, but this is a start.


I predict you WILL be whole again. In fact better for having acted swiftly and decisively. You can respect yourself. And you will be whole sooner than you can now imagine. 

Just review a few of those who walked your path. @Vaughan and @VintageRetro for example. Start to finish 12 months. Living the good life.

Since it is a small town, is your STBX an “item” for the town talk yet? How about Mr Safeway? I will bet your inlaws are having a tough time holding their heads up in the community.


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## re16

Keep it up, Cursive... you are handling this well so far. Kudos for avoiding the love bomb trap.

It would be great if your STBX moved out. You should continue to suggest that.


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## gameopoly5

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I found them in the act, wasn't a need to confront anyone. I got home early from work, went to walk the outside trash can to the back gate, and to the alley way dumpster, and there was a truck parked behind my house. Didn't think anything of it at first, but then noticed that all the curtains were drawn and blinds were shut tight. I opened my back door expecting to see her napping on our couch, or maybe showering. I heard them, her moaning like it was her first time, the sound of skin slapping, and MY BED creeking...my heart sank, and it hasn't stopped yet. I lost my S*** and ran in to the bedroom, he had her bent over, both completely naked. I put him in choke hold, and brought him down on top of me. I wanted to kill him. In my mind I was waiting for her to exclaim rape or something. Instead she started to yell at me, hitting me saying over and over to let him go because I was hurting him...I looked at her and my eyes felt like they sunk down with my heart, and my body slowly just let him go. I laid there for about 2 minutes, while they both quickly ran to the living room. I heard the back door shut, and her walking back to the bedroom. She came in and said "Well now you know, I'm sorry"


What an absolute horrendous experience you had walking in on that.
I believe that cheating is in the top list types of domestic abuse and should be recognised as such by law, but it doesn`t seem to be that way.
My first wife and I had 2 young children together and after 7 years of marriage she dumped me for a lover. But 5 years later I met a wonderful woman, been together for 34 years, so as one door closes another door can open.
Have you considered having DNA test on your children?
I actually had a nervous breakdown after my wife left me, she put me through an horrific divorce, she turned out to be pure evil. What really shook me up the most is how could the woman I loved, the mother of my children do such a terrible thing to me.
In China, India, Africa and some South American countries they actually beat cheating wives but in western countries a husband can be held for contempt of court for even calling his wife a name. I almost went to prison for leaving note explaining what I thought about my father in law, so please be careful and keep your cool, as difficult as this is to do.
My old granddad used to say, don`t let the bastards grind you down and he was right. The best revenge against those who do us down is success.
Life will improve again for you in time as it did for me, although it may seem all doom and gloom for you at present the same as I went through.
Trust me on this one.


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## Rus47

gameopoly5 said:


> Have you considered having DNA test on your children?


Respectfully, I believe this is irrelevant. Believe he said previously the kids looked like @CursiveWritingOnTheWall . But they are his children anyway whether biological or not.


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## Dictum Veritas

Rus47 said:


> Respectfully, I believe this is irrelevant. Believe he said previously the kids looked like @CursiveWritingOnTheWall . But they are his children anyway whether biological or not.


I've seen men who said that regret it dearly. Blood, DNA, is really thicker than water.


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## Tdbo

Rus47 said:


> Respectfully, I believe this is irrelevant. Believe he said previously the kids looked like @CursiveWritingOnTheWall . But they are his children anyway whether biological or not.


While I fully agree with what you just said, he needs to do it.
It sets a tone
It shows her he is taking charge.
It knocks her off her pedestal.
EDIT: I just went back and rechecked. This one really needs knocked off her pedestal.


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## RebuildingMe

OP, I’ve been exactly where you have been. 6 months of IHS and each month got worse and worse. I had my own bedroom and bathroom. Kept my door locked at night and then got a deadbolt lock on it because she had been coming in while I was out of the house. Had a camera and VAR on me at all times. It still didn’t stop her from calling the police six times in the last two week stretch I lived there. She tried to get a DV charge but was granted the least serious one. However, it was still false. Finally, my attorney advised me to move out and stay with my brother. We signed an agreement that me moving out does not affect my right to the home at trial. We went to 12 mediations and she declined every offer I made. We went to trial and she got smoked. I have a thread here somewhere. She got nothing, no alimony and no child support. There’s hope brother. Not every man has to be raked through the judicial system, lose time with his kids and pay the ex gross amounts of money. Good luck to you!


----------



## Rus47

Dictum Veritas said:


> I've seen men who said that regret it dearly. Blood, DNA, is really thicker than water.


I tend to think in terms of what must be done to get things finished ASAP. IMO speed is of the essence to decrease cost. DNA accomplishes nothing to get the divorce over with, assets split, custody split. It adds complexity which also adds cost. It adds rancor and drama which OP doesn’t need.


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## Rus47

It might actually serve @CursiveWritingOnTheWall if Mr Safeway took STBX off of his hands. Or at least occupied all of her time.


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## SunCMars

re16 said:


> Yep, fully agree, I bet there is a whole lot more... he saw the tip of the iceberg. I think it would be good for him to hear about it, if there is more, as a reminder of how bad it is.


No, one kick of the mule is enough, Eh?


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

RebuildingMe said:


> OP, I’ve been exactly where you have been. 6 months of IHS and each month got worse and worse. I had my own bedroom and bathroom. Kept my door locked at night and then got a deadbolt lock on it because she had been coming in while I was out of the house. Had a camera and VAR on me at all times. It still didn’t stop her from calling the police six times in the last two week stretch I lived there. She tried to get a DV charge but was granted the least serious one. However, it was still false. Finally, my attorney advised me to move out and stay with my brother. We signed an agreement that me moving out does not affect my right to the home at trial. We went to 12 mediations and she declined every offer I made. We went to trial and she got smoked. I have a thread here somewhere. She got nothing, no alimony and no child support. There’s hope brother. Not every man has to be raked through the judicial system, lose time with his kids and pay the ex gross amounts of money. Good luck to you!


I've contemplated this very thing. Whether I was there or not, would the house be affected in final court hearings. I decided to go back to the house for 2 reasons. 1. No one else was there. And 2. The hotels get expensive. A secret 3rd reason was to make the X feel uncomfortable, and keep the OM away from my kids.


Rus47 said:


> Respectfully, I believe this is irrelevant. Believe he said previously the kids looked like @CursiveWritingOnTheWall . But they are his children anyway whether biological or not.


They are without a doubt...me. I never suspected anything in prior years, and I know that doesn't mean that things would not have happened back then...but. We used to be madly in love, had a strong bond, strength in the family. It was there. The kids belong to me. I'm not against DNA or even an at home paternity test, so don't get me wrong. I just know. The resemblance and traits are all mine. 

At this point, I'm hoping Safeway Steve does offer some of his space. At least just to get her out of the house for a day, 2 days...forever lol. I just don't want my kids over there. It's a strange place for them, their things are here. Their people are here. This is their home. 
She however, seems to be on her best behavior. Cooking and baking, letting it be known that she's home, like she's there, in everyone's presence. She's not giving me any signs of her wanting to go jam out with her clam out and party with Safeway Steve. 
She doesn't know it, but I can here her phone vibrate through the walls every time she gets a text message. It goes off all hours of the night and day. She must have her normal notifications set to sound, and messages set to vibrate.
The toughest part of this for me, is going to work and being miles away from everyone and everything. When I'm traveling back home, and getting closer, it feels different now. Like whatever it was that I missed, I have to investigate, and get up to speed on things. I'm starting to feel nervous and anxious as I approach my town. 
Now when I get home, and the house is empty, I start wondering where everyone is. The kids are either in school, or at grandma's, but need to wonder is still there. 

Meeting with the attorney Monday. Hoping she'll relax me with good news.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I decided to go back to the house for 2 reasons. 1. No one else was there. And 2. The hotels get expensive. A secret 3rd reason was to make the X feel uncomfortable, and keep the OM away from my kids.


All good reasons. As long as you protect yourself against false DV charges, it is as much your house as hers. Ask your attorney her advice about this when you meet. Also how to keep Safeway Steve away from your house while you are working. I imagine fear of an a$$ kicking will keep him away from STBX anyway. Do you think he is still seeing her? I am betting not.


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## jlg07

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> It was there. The kids belong to me. I'm not against DNA or even an at home paternity test, so don't get me wrong. I just know. The resemblance and traits are all mine


The DNA test is also a message to your STBXW how little you trust her, and how much she has destroyed in your relationship that you don't even trust the HISTORY of what you had together.


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## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall, also talk with your attorney about separating the household finances and making your STBX responsible for 1/2. As in her getting a job. I believe you said you had closed the credit cards and otherwise secured your finances. Ask the attorney how to insure your resources arent expended on STBX extracurricular activities.

I believe you said you live in small town. That limits her access to any good attorneys. Maybe yours is best in town.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

jlg07 said:


> The DNA test is also a message to your STBXW how little you trust her, and how much she has destroyed in your relationship that you don't even trust the HISTORY of what you had together.


I see that point now. But will it matter with legality, or just cause more stress and drama?


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Rus47 said:


> @CursiveWritingOnTheWall, also talk with your attorney about separating the household finances and making your STBX responsible for 1/2. As in her getting a job. I believe you said you had closed the credit cards and otherwise secured your finances. Ask the attorney how to insure your resources arent expended on STBX extracurricular activities.
> 
> I believe you said you live in small town. That limits her access to any good attorneys. Maybe yours is best in town.


I acted fast, and grabbed the attorney in town. From what I understand now, is that she'll have to go 60 miles away to get one. 

Maybe Safeway Steve can get her a job there. I shop at the mom and pop store anyway.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I acted fast, and grabbed the attorney in town. From what I understand now, is that she'll have to go 60 miles away to get one.
> 
> Maybe Safeway Steve can get her a job there. I shop at the mom and pop store anyway.


You are doing outstanding!! Amazing!!


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## Dictum Veritas

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I see that point now. But will it matter with legality, or just cause more stress and drama?


You see it as all business now, which is fair and healthy, but we must remember that business is most easily conducted from lofty perches or at least the perception of such. This will drive home to her how far she has fallen and by comparison how lofty your perch has become.

Every gain comes at a cost however and only you can answer if the added resentment from her will be worth more or less than the added psychological leverage you will purchase.

When there are kids, no matter if they look like my twins, should my wife have a PA, a DNA test is a given, if for nothing else but my own peace of mind. She has proven who she is and she was that same person when they were conceived.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Maybe Safeway Steve can get her a job there. I shop at the mom and pop store anyway.


Yep. Maybe she can work in the back on her back.


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## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I see that point now. But will it matter with legality, or just cause more stress and drama?


Ask your attorney! I would have s notebook to write questions on as they come to mind. Then when you meet with your attorney, ask them.

Ask your attorney! Do what she says, don’t do what she advises against, DNA serves no purpose now. And you know how it turns out anyway. Stop trying to “get back” at STBX. Just excise her ASAP from your life. Only way to heal


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Rus47 said:


> Ask your attorney! I would have s notebook to write questions on as they come to mind. Then when you meet with your attorney, ask them.
> 
> Ask your attorney! Do what she says, don’t do what she advises against, DNA serves no purpose now. And you know how it turns out anyway. Stop trying to “get back” at STBX. Just excise her ASAP from your life. Only way to heal


This is where I'm at in my head. I don't feel like complicating things any further. I'll ask and see what she thinks.


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> She however, seems to be on her best behavior. Cooking and baking, letting it be known that she's home, like she's there, in everyone's presence. She's not giving me any signs of her wanting to go jam out with her clam out and party with Safeway Steve.


This strikes me as quite strange. I would think she would be begging your forgiveness. Crying all the time. Seems a very cold person.

Has she even mentioned being served? Has she retained counsel?

Cooking and baking?!? For who? Is she looking for a job? I believe the courts normally account for what a SAHM COULD earn in determining spousal support. 

BTW, have your kids asked any questions? Have they been talked to by you about what is happening and why?


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## ABHale

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I see that point now. But will it matter with legality, or just cause more stress and drama?


It will drive home what she has done. Also the slight chance that they are not.

In stall simply safe at your home, cameras and all.


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## ABHale

I would report Safeway Steve to the corporate office and sue the store for damages. Ask your lawyer if this is feasible.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

Rus47 said:


> This strikes me as quite strange. I would think she would be begging your forgiveness. Crying all the time. Seems a very cold person.
> 
> Has she even mentioned being served? Has she retained counsel?
> 
> Cooking and baking?!? For who? Is she looking for a job? I believe the courts normally account for what a SAHM COULD earn in determining spousal support.
> 
> BTW, have your kids asked any questions? Have they been talked to by you about what is happening and why?


Seems like she's trying to be mom of the year, she has begged me to think about us, and what we could be. Also, she's acting like nothing has happened. She asked me if I was horny the other day, and sat next to me. I got up and went to my new bedroom. She constantly asks if I'm hungry, and if there's anything I need. Its getting old saying "Nope, I'm good" 
I think the personality disorders maybe at play here. Late onset? Idk


----------



## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

ABHale said:


> I would report Safeway Steve not corporate office and sue the store for damages. Ask your lawyer if this is feasible.


I wondered that myself. Reflecting and recollecting on it now...he did see us (X and I) together, and also the pictures in my house hanging on the walls, and in my old room are very undeniable.


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## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I wondered that myself. Reflecting and recollecting on it now...he did see us (X and I) together, and also the pictures in my house hanging on the walls, and in my old room are very undeniable.


Another rabbit trail. Forget Safeway Steve until after the divorce is final!!! Don’t spend any energy at all trying to work him over. Keep your eye on the goal. TELL your attorney who he is. If SHE finds it useful to depose him let HER decide that. Do NOT contact his employer or anyone else about him.

If you want make a project of him after the divorce, that is your business. I wouldnt waste two seconds on thinking about POSOM. He is just a “bottom feeder” if you get my drift.

Eye on the prize! That being free from STBX


----------



## Rus47

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> Seems like she's trying to be mom of the year, she has begged me to think about us, and what we could be. Also, she's acting like nothing has happened.


She is truly delusional! Off of the rails. Amazing


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## Megaforce

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I wondered that myself. Reflecting and recollecting on it now...he did see us (X and I) together, and also the pictures in my house hanging on the walls, and in my old room are very undeniable.


 I see no case here. Never practiced family law. Theoretically, unless your in one of the few states that retained alienation of affection as a cause of action, the only tort action that seems remotely feasible would be one of the infliction of emotional distress actions( intentional or negligent). Realistically, I don't t see a lawyer pursuing this. Little chance of success, no deep pockets, too expensive etc.
One thing I had to get used to( and it took quite a while) is that a betrayed almost never gets real justice. Many end up without custody and paying maintenance in addition to child support. I was destitute for quite some time. I consoled myself with the fact that at least I no longer had to associate with a disordered jerk.
My kids are grown now. They know everything and hold their mom in low regard. She ended up cheating on her affair partner with some idiot who was married. She married this guy. I see them communicating in a series of grunts and guttural clicks. Very low on the evolutionary ladder. Her looks have faded. They were her stock in trade.
I am pretty much okay,,content etc. You will be, too.


----------



## Openminded

She never wanted a divorce — she just wanted attention from someone new (sex with him may or may not have been important but for sure the attention was). Now that you know what she did she’s into Super Wife mode to convince you to take her back. She’ll continue that as long as she can.


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## Megaforce

This woman is a particularly bad one. I doubt he knows but the tip,of the iceberg.


----------



## QuietRiot

I have to encourage you to not build acrimony and give her grounds to make this process more difficult on you. Disengage as much as possible but I would say it’s in your best interest not to treat her in a way that makes her build anger and encourages her to be vindictive. We don’t know what she’s capable of, or what DNA testing kids you know to be yours will trigger in an unstable person. 

I say tread carefully and quietly until the divorce is done. She may try to be “kind” in a divorce to win your affection or prove she is not a bad person. I’d rather try to capitalize on that than poke the ***** with a sharp stick to see if it bites.


----------



## Rus47

I


QuietRiot said:


> have to encourage *you to not build acrimony *and give her grounds to make this process more difficult on you. *Disengage as much as possible *but I would say it’s in your best interest not to treat her in a way that makes her build anger and encourages her to be vindictive. We don’t know what she’s capable of, or what DNA testing kids you know to be yours will trigger in an unstable person.
> 
> *I say tread carefully and quietly until the divorce is done.* She may try to be “kind” in a divorce to win your affection or prove she is not a bad person. I’d rather try to capitalize on that than poke the *** with a sharp stick to see if it bites.


If I could double up vote this post I would!! Follow this philosophy every hour of every day. Speak as little as possible and don't do ANYTHING to foster ill will from her. Just imagine you are negotiating with your worst enemy who is capable of disemboweling you with one swipe.


----------



## Perkman0109

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I wondered that myself. Reflecting and recollecting on it now...he did see us (X and I) together, and also the pictures in my house hanging on the walls, and in my old room are very undeniable.





CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I wondered that myself. Reflecting and recollecting on it now...he did see us (X and I) together, and also the pictures in my house hanging on the walls, and in my old room are very undeniable.


I say report Safeway Steve to HR. Why would your wife care if she's trying to save her marriage?

I can tell you Corporations take a dim view of Management having affairs with Customers especially married Customers.

It's against Code of Conduct and morality clause. Guaranteed his career would be shot.

I'm a scorched earth kind of guy and my wrath would be swift and brutal. 

Just saying


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## Megaforce

I never DNA tested my kids. 
First, because it would change nothing about my feelings for them.

Second, they are pretty smart and there would be a risk it would get back to them, especially if a disordered wife knew I was doing it. They were traumatized enough by their mom's s cheating and the divorce. To have them worried about their parentage or how I might feel about them would traumatize them further.

Third, I had had enough pain already. Did not want to know.


----------



## TexasMom1216

I wonder what the kids think when the father has them DNA tested. Do they realize this man who has been their father for their entire lives is prepared to abandon them and punish them for something their mother did? I’d be interested to hear from those kids to understand what that does to them.


----------



## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , I believe you said your children are quite young. 5 or 6? A little girl and little boy? Have either of you talked with them about what is going on? They must be aware that their world has changed, and will continue to change for awhile going forward. Sometimes small children internalize things and think that the problems are somehow their fault. They need reassurance from their parents and grandparents that the adults will always look after them. 

And, of course you know to never speak ill of their mother in their presence.


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## oldshirt

ABHale said:


> I would report Safeway Steve not corporate office and sue the store for damages. Ask your lawyer if this is feasible.


How on earth would Safeway be liable for any damage to Cursive??

They are consenting adults presumably on their own time and property, that's not a Safeway issue. 

If it can be shown that they were banging it out in the store room or that he was giving her free merchandise or that he was sneaking out to get with her while he was on the clock, then he could be subject disciplinary action by the store for being a crappy employee. 

But an off duty affair off premise with a consenting adult is not a crime nor any wrongdoing by the company.


----------



## Perkman0109

oldshirt said:


> How on earth would Safeway be liable for any damage to Cursive??
> 
> They are consenting adults presumably on their own time and property, that's not a Safeway issue.
> 
> If it can be shown that they were banging it out in the store room or that he was giving her free merchandise or that he was sneaking out to get with her while he was on the clock, then he could be subject disciplinary action by the store for being a crappy employee.
> 
> But an off duty affair off premise with a consenting adult is not a crime nor any wrongdoing by the company.


I guarantee the grooming started on company time. His wife stated as much and he knew what he was doing when he met up with her 

Reporting the matter to HR will leave a black mark on him. He will be the first to go whenever there is a reduction in force without bringing this matter up or he will be passed over for a promotion. 

It all comes down to poor choices made by a person in a position of authority. I've seen it played out more than once.


----------



## ABHale

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I wondered that myself. Reflecting and recollecting on it now...he did see us (X and I) together, and also the pictures in my house hanging on the walls, and in my old room are very undeniable.


He used his position at the store to meet your wife.


----------



## ABHale

oldshirt said:


> How on earth would Safeway be liable for any damage to Cursive??
> 
> They are consenting adults presumably on their own time and property, that's not a Safeway issue.
> 
> If it can be shown that they were banging it out in the store room or that he was giving her free merchandise or that he was sneaking out to get with her while he was on the clock, then he could be subject disciplinary action by the store for being a crappy employee.
> 
> But an off duty affair off premise with a consenting adult is not a crime nor any wrongdoing by the company.


The POS used his position at the store to meet OP’s wife. No Corporation wants it know that their management is hitting on married women in their store.


----------



## Megaforce

ABHale said:


> The POS used his position at the store to meet OP’s wife. No Corporation wants it know that their management is hitting on married women in their store.


Possibly. But no way his actions expose the company to any liability. There is no vicarious liability in this set of facts.


----------



## oldshirt

Perkman0109 said:


> I guarantee the grooming started on company time. His wife stated as much and he knew what he was doing when he met up with her
> 
> Reporting the matter to HR will leave a black mark on him. He will be the first to go whenever there is a reduction in force without bringing this matter up or he will be passed over for a promotion.
> 
> It all comes down to poor choices made by a person in a position of authority. I've seen it played out more than once.





ABHale said:


> The POS used his position at the store to meet OP’s wife. No Corporation wants it know that their management is hitting on married women in their store.


Y'all realize that almost all corporate executives and administrators and managers in every company across the land are screwing someone that they shouldn't be right? If companies had a policy of firing everyone that hooked up with someone else's partner, there would not be a single corporation in business. 

Now I get that if someone is getting enough complaints and causing enough problems within the customer base, they will be targeted until they either punch in a few minutes late or don't get their TPS Reports submitted in time. 

But in no way would a lawsuit seeking damages for some guy banging some chick off site on his own time be successful. 

If he was molesting minor children in the store on company time and the management had knowledge of it or should have known, that would be one thing. But this is consenting adults in her home. No way is the company liable for damages.


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## Dictum Veritas

TexasMom1216 said:


> I wonder what the kids think when the father has them DNA tested. Do they realize this man who has been their father for their entire lives is prepared to abandon them and punish them for something their mother did? I’d be interested to hear from those kids to understand what that does to them.


I'm sorry, but I invest in my own DNA. I'm not raising another man's spawn. It's not "Abandoning" anyone.


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## TexasMom1216

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'm sorry, but I invest in my own DNA. I'm not raising another man's spawn. It's not "Abandoning" anyone.


Yeah it is.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yeah it is.


You should consider adopting at least 20 children that don't belong to you. Otherwise, you're "abandoning" them.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

ABHale said:


> I would report Safeway Steve to the corporate office and sue the store for damages. Ask your lawyer if this is feasible.


As much as I agree unless there are police reports or heinous acts not much may be accomplished. 
So much sleeping around happens through grocery store activities between employees and public the company just shrugs. Eh, here's another one......is the mindset in this arena.

Well I guess Safeway guy might get fired in today's PC climate, so just my thoughts.


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## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall has more than enough on his plate doing the things he has to do to get free from STBX ASAP so he can get on with his life, maybe meet someone who won't screw around on him. Getting the assets divided, the custody agreement signed, the support agreed to. Maybe selling the house. Helping *HIS* children make it through this shytstorm his STBX delivered. Keeping his job. 

He shouldn't spend* any* time worrying about revenge on STBX or POSOM. Or on DNA testing *HIS* children.

So far, he is doing a stellar job dealing with the mess Hiring the only attorney in town so STBX has to go an hour away to retain counsel was brilliant! And acting within days of discovery. I predict he will be able to provide the same sort of example as @VintageRetro and @Vaughan when he finishes this task.


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## ABHale

Megaforce said:


> Possibly. But no way his actions expose the company to any liability. There is no vicarious liability in this set of facts.


I would leave that for a lawyer to decide.


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## Dictum Veritas

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yeah it is.


Not worth getting into why men should not accept paternity fraud with such gynocentric ideology calling me a bad father for not taking it like a good boy. The rest of my posts on this will be deleted as well.


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## Megaforce

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'm sorry, but I invest in my own DNA. I'm not raising another man's spawn. It's not "Abandoning" anyone.


My love for my kids was never contingent on my having passed on my DNA. I was so bonded to them, they could be aliens and it would make no difference in how I feel about them or my willingness to raise them and support them.
Based on timing and physical appearance, I am pretty certain not all are my progeny. This bothered me for a while but I am so grateful for this child, I soon got over it. I understand not everyone shares this way of looking at it.

I would think the effect of being tested, let alone found to be from another man would be very traumatic on the child. And, although things have changed since I took family law in school, actual parentage may have zero effect on one's support obligation. I am told this does vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. 

This particular issue, the paternity fraud deal, is one variable that only the betrayed men face. 

I once read that a random study done in Canada showed that one in ten kids is not related to the presumptive father. This was a study of random kids, not kids from a family where the mom had neccesarily cheated. So, I imagine if only the kids of cheating moms had been tested, the results would be dramatically higher.

Even at 10%, it is shocking. Imagine you are at a party with 100 people. Statistically, 10 of them do not know their biological father. That boggles my mind.


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## Megaforce

TexasMom1216 said:


> I wonder what the kids think when the father has them DNA tested. Do they realize this man who has been their father for their entire lives is prepared to abandon them and punish them for something their mother did? I’d be interested to hear from those kids to understand what that does to them.


Yes. I am by no means Mother Teresa. But, I just could never imagine DNA testing one of my kids. Teach their mom a lesson? Drive home the seriousness of the offense? Please, this is a person willing to lie with no limit, expose me to deadly disease, squander family resources on her cheating, inflict severe damage on me and the kids. Think someone like that gives a ****?


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## Dictum Veritas

.


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## Megaforce

Rus47 said:


> What does this mean? Does she have some disorders in her history and/or family?


Pretty sure this is a reference to not having detected the disorder until recently. These folks a extremely adept at wearing a mask for extended periods, particularly during courtship. They instinctively target nice, trusting prey.

I bet dollars to doughnuts that with time and perspective, the OP will start to recall behaviors, incidents etc. that gave him brief glimpses of what was behind the mask.
I also think that in short order, as she becomes frustrated with the failure of her efforts to weasel her way back, he will see what she is truly capable of. Thus the warnings about false D V charges etc.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Tatsuhiko said:


> You should consider adopting at least 20 children that don't belong to you. Otherwise, you're "abandoning" them.


Yes, that’s clearly exactly the same as raising children for their entire lives and then suddenly walking away without a word because you’re mad at their mother. 🙄


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## Megaforce

I


Dictum Veritas said:


> With all due respect, but we differ. I will not willingly raise another man's DNA, especially one who did a hit and run on my wife. That DNA becomes the sole domain of the adulteress.
> 
> I may seem heartless here, but I'm honest.


Definitely your prerogative. Hope you never face this. But, in the event you or anyone else does, do not bank on it affecting support obligations.
As I mentioned, it varies from state to state and now some are allowing defrauded husbands to avoid support. 

As I recall, in some of the jurisdictions there is a limited window of time to challenge paternity for husbands. So, be vigilant. 

One thing I have wondered about is if there would be a cause of action against the actual biological father if the husband was saddled with the support. I would see no reason the biological father could not be sued for damages.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Dictum Veritas said:


> It's not my DNA, it's not my kids. You cannot abandon what you never had, but you can walk away from what was fraudulently foisted upon you. I would resent that child for what he/she represents. It would be in as much the child's interest as mine to walk away.
> 
> I think women should perhaps temper their opinions on this, as they would never be in the shoes of someone who is proven not to be the parent but fraudulently claimed to have been.
> 
> Women cannot be swindled into raising someone else's DNA and can therefore not imagine the rage that goes with it.


I don’t discount the “rage” at being tricked, but is that rage directed at the children? They’re innocent in this whole thing but they’re losing their father. It’s the mother in me, worrying about the kids. They’re people, after all. Not pets.


----------



## Megaforce

ABHale said:


> I would leave that for a lawyer to decide.


Just my opinion and he could check. I practiced law for about 35 years. Tried hundreds of cases. But, I have been wrong before. Pretty sure on this,,however.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Megaforce said:


> Yes. I am by no means Mother Teresa. But, I just could never imagine DNA testing one of my kids. Teach their mom a lesson? Drive home the seriousness of the offense? Please, this is a person willing to lie with no limit, expose me to deadly disease, squander family resources on her cheating, inflict severe damage on me and the kids. Think someone like that gives a ****?


The mother is the one who put the kids in this situation, but IMO if a man wants to DNA the kids so he can abandon them he never wanted them to begin with. If a man doesn’t want kids he doesn’t have to have them.


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## Dictum Veritas

.


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## Dictum Veritas

.


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## Megaforce

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t discount the “rage” at being tricked, but is that rage directed at the children? They’re innocent in this whole thing but they’re losing their father. It’s the mother in me, worrying about the kids. They’re people, after all. Not pets.


This rage is a classic ingredient in the old saying " hurt people hurt people". I think taking the position that one would walk away from a child or children one has bonded with is much easier to advocate in theory vs actually doing it. It reminds me of how, before facing infidelity, I was quite sure it would be an instant dealbreaker. It was, eventually, but I struggled with it for a while.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Dictum Veritas said:


> They are not my blood. BLOOD MATTERS. As a matter of fact it is the only thing that matters. Propagating my own genes is the ONLY reason I had kids. If those kids turn out to be someone else's DNA, I'm OUT!
> 
> I'll mourn the "death" of my children, but it won't be fair on either them or myself to stay.
> 
> I won't even take blame for the damage to the child. That damage is on the head of the fraudster adulteress.


If you were unfaithful, would you accept being cut off from your children permanently?


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## Dictum Veritas

.


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## TexasMom1216

Dictum Veritas said:


> It's actually quite a simple concept. Tolerance for BS in a society guarantees that that BS will flourish in the society. Zero tolerance in your own home when it is the norm, makes for a society where there is no room for BS anymore.


Then you should accept the same absolutist attitude from the woman. Any mistake and you’re out, no contact.


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## Dictum Veritas

.


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## Dictum Veritas

.


----------



## Megaforce

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t discount the “rage” at being tricked, but is that rage directed at the children? They’re innocent in this whole thing but they’re losing their father. It’s the mother in me, worrying about the kids. They’re people, after all. Not pets.


 I would not do it to a pet, either.


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## Dictum Veritas

.


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## Dictum Veritas

.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Dictum Veritas said:


> Real fathers have real children related to them by DNA, not the genetic remains of the tryst between a scumbag and a hussy fraudulently presented as theirs.


Real fathers have an emotional attachment to their children as individuals. Real fathers actually care about their children as people. Real fathers are not men who view children as one more asset they own and turn their backs on them when anything doesn’t go their way. If you have no emotional attachment to them then you’re not a real father, real fathers actually get involved with their kids beyond sperm donation. There are more fathers like you than like my husband, for sure, but I’m grateful there are men who actually get attached to women and children and don’t view us as mindless property. But hey, to each his own.


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## Megaforce

TexasMom1216 said:


> Neither would I. It’s not at all the way real fathers act. It speaks to a belief that women and children lack humanity, it’s not an attitude that would make for a caring, involved father. If children are just yet another thing the man owns, and he has zero attachment to them, then he would be a terrible father and not a positive influence in the kids lives. It’s teaching children they don’t matter at all to anyone and they can’t trust anyone at all to care what happens to them. They’ll grow up to hate and distrust everyone.


I suppose we could get intina discussion of how men are treated as disposable etc. But, it would be a threadjack.


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## Megaforce

TexasMom1216 said:


> Real fathers have an emotional attachment to their children as individuals. Real fathers actually care about their children as people. Real fathers are not men who view children as one more asset they own and turn their backs on them when anything doesn’t go their way. If you have no emotional attachment to them then you’re not a real father, real fathers actually get involved with their kids beyond sperm donation. There are more fathers like you than like my husband, for sure, but I’m grateful there are men who actually get attached to women and children and don’t view us as mindless property. But hey, to each his own.


I doubt your husband is in the minority on this.


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## Megaforce

Dictum Veritas said:


> You grew up in what we in the third world would call first world opulence. Here we have to measure our recourses and face real life [or death for that matter] daily. There's no comparison really.


Definitely a cultural difference.


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## Dictum Veritas

.


----------



## Evinrude58

TexasMom1216 said:


> I wonder what the kids think when the father has them DNA tested. Do they realize this man who has been their father for their entire lives is prepared to abandon them and punish them for something their mother did? I’d be interested to hear from those kids to understand what that does to them.


Your thinking on this Is so weird. You have compassion for anyone but a man who may have been cheated out of fathering children of his own dna, and duped into raising another man’s kids by a cheating wife.
A man that has raised kids their whole life isn’t likely to abandon them like that, even if they’re not his. All men are not devils. The OP doesn’t even want to know. He loves them. That’s most guys. You’ve met some bad ones.


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## Taxman

Don’t know if this was suggested, however, Safeway corporate would be interested. Bad company image for your local store manager is breaking up marriages.


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## TexasMom1216

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'm going to call you out and tell you that you have no idea what a real father should do. If you think it includes accepting the *runoff spawn of a betrayal as my child, I'm sorry for you, but that has nothing to do with being a real father.
> 
> I know what a real father is, I am one to my GENETIC daughters. If you want to equate that to ownership or another feminist cookbook term designed to denigrate men who stand up for themselves as men, that's a YOU PROBLEM!
> 
> *runoff spawn of a betrayal - This is only from the perspective of the betrayed and is a term of righteous anger. To their adulteress mother and scumbag biological father, they are sweet innocent children. Other men who have accepted and by accepting, adopted children born of an affair would also differ and might take exception to the term, but by accepting and adopting the children, has made the term irrelevant to their children and their situation.


Calling names doesn’t really make your argument seem more lucid. It’s kinda sad how whenever a man is asked to base a decision on something other than his own ego, which is what you’re defending, the only reaction you have is to squeal “man hating feminist man hater!” I don’t think being unwilling to consider anyones well being but your own a good characteristic in a father, but people are different. You’d have loved my father.


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## Evinrude58

Megaforce said:


> Possibly. But no way his actions expose the company to any liability. There is no vicarious liability in this set of facts.


But in a small town like OP lives, it would be frowned upon and the store may lose business. A lot of men would wonder who his next target was, and a lot of women don’t like guys that go for married women and would shop wise where too.


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## Dictum Veritas

Not because of what @TXTrini says in her next comment, but by the original explanation of why my posts are deleted, I withdraw my participation.

My apologies to OP, but it get's my back up when people say men must just lie down and accept paternity fraud because [reasons].


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## TXTrini

Good God people, take your philosophical mewlings to the political pages where it belongs. This is someone's life blowing up here, he's here for support.


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## TexasMom1216

Megaforce said:


> I suppose we could get intina discussion of how men are treated as disposable etc. But, it would be a threadjack.


It does happen, for sure. There are bad people, no gender has a monopoly on bad behavior. Plus we hear stories about cheating wives who abandon their families. That’s considered worse than when cheating men abandon their families, of course. I actually agree with that, I think it’s much worse when a mother is cruel to her children. Those emotional scars never heal. It would be so much better if cheaters cared about their families enough to not do such selfish things.


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## SunCMars

Dictum Veritas said:


> You grew up in what we in the third world, would call, first world opulence. Here we have to measure our resources and face real life [or death for that matters] daily. There's no comparison really.


True, and a very sad reality.

Poverty often overrides or overshadows, morality.

Mothers and/or fathers selling their children, actions such as that.


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## TexasMom1216

@TXTrini is right. Never mind, sorry OP.


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## Evinrude58

Yeah, I shouldn’t have mentioned the paternity crap. Huge thread jack.

OP, you are thinking clearly and doing all the right moves in spite of torturous pain. My hat is off to you brother. I have been through it and you’re handling it better than most. You WILL be happy again, guaranteed.


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## TXTrini

Another week's about to begin, and you survived another. Boss move snagging the only lawyer in town @ Cursive 🤣 Great F U message. 

How this week looking for you?


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## SunCMars

God, the arguments we find worthy enough to take on.
All of them triggered by something, someone.

I trace it back to those individual core principles that cannot be discarded.
That said, not all core principles are wise.

As is, per usual, kindness and empathy is always in short supply in this world.

_Do not allow yourself to be drawn into *the suck*!_


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## TexasMom1216

Evinrude58 said:


> Your thinking on this Is so weird. You have compassion for anyone but a man who may have been cheated out of fathering children of his own dna, and duped into raising another man’s kids by a cheating wife.
> A man that has raised kids their whole life isn’t likely to abandon them like that, even if they’re not his. All men are not devils. The OP doesn’t even want to know. He loves them. That’s most guys. You’ve met some bad ones.


Last post about this. I really don't want you to think I have no compassion for a man who finds out the children aren't his, and I do NOT think men should "lie down and accept paternity fraud." But staying present in a child's life is not the same as being financially on the hook and forced to support them (and by extension the woman who betrayed him). The OP has said, regardless of DNA, those are his kids, and he is completely right. What about adoptive fathers? Those are GREAT fathers and it's not about the DNA, it's about the children. That's all I mean. My posts get twisted, because (reasons), but what I actually mean is that it seems really cruel to punish children for something out of their control. And because it IS me, I guess I have to say that even though it's very, very clear in my posts that I never even implied that all men are "devils," and in fact said the opposite, I don't believe that all men are devils.


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## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , are you using a VAR when encountering your STBX? Based on other men experience they are concerned on your behalf. Believe @Megaforce mentioning once your STBX realizes you wont surrender to her love bomb attempts, she will become full on vindictive. Ask your attorney this monday about how to protect yourself.


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## ConanHub

TexasMom1216 said:


> Last post about this. I really don't want you to think I have no compassion for a man who finds out the children aren't his, and I do NOT think men should "lie down and accept paternity fraud." But staying present in a child's life is not the same as being financially on the hook and forced to support them (and by extension the woman who betrayed him). The OP has said, regardless of DNA, those are his kids, and he is completely right. What about adoptive fathers? Those are GREAT fathers and it's not about the DNA, it's about the children. That's all I mean. My posts get twisted, because (reasons), but what I actually mean is that it seems really cruel to punish children for something out of their control. And because it IS me, I guess I have to say that even though it's very, very clear in my posts that I never even implied that all men are "devils," and in fact said the opposite, I don't believe that all men are devils.


My personal stance and choice about this would be to keep the kid/s and dump the skank. Unless it was found out before or just after birth, bonds form that this barbarian wouldn't break.

What I would break might not be allowed to be mentioned here...


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## Rus47

Could we maybe get back to @CursiveWritingOnTheWall thread? There is a thread elsewhere started about the whole DNA controversy. It isn't an issue OP is concerned about.


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## So far so good

CursiveWritingOnTheWall said:


> I see that point now. But will it matter with legality, or just cause more stress and drama?


yes exactly. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. You don’t need more drama, you need to move on with your life.

I suspect that your STBXW is behaving this way partly because she’s in denial, partly because she hopes you’ll forget about it and win you back. She has NO IDEA the trauma she has caused.

Keep on doing what you are doing


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## Megaforce

KindBuddha said:


> Your children have the right to information about their biological father and true genetic heritage, even if that might risk confirming your own worst fears.


Perhaps later in life. Not at a tender age, IMO.


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## TXTrini

Rus47 said:


> Could we maybe get back to @CursiveWritingOnTheWall thread? There is a thread elsewhere started about the whole DNA controversy. It isn't an issue OP is concerned about.


Yeah, people are being absurd now. I guess so,e folk care more about thumping their chest and put in their two cents than being freaking relevant to OP.


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## re16

Good luck with the attorney consult today.

Since she is the only one in town, be sure to think hard about whether her style and approach sound like how you want to operate, don't go along with her just for local proximity. It would suck to need to travel far to see your attorney, but I imagine a lot could be done over zoom if this one isn't the right fit.

By seeing her first, your STBX can't use her regardless of whether you stick with her or not.

ETA: updated pronouns (thx Rus47)


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## Rus47

re16 said:


> Good luck with the attorney consult today.
> 
> Since he is the only one in town, be sure to think hard about whether his style and approach sound like how you want to operate, don't go along with him just for local proximity. It would suck to need to travel far to see your attorney, but I imagine a lot could be done over zoom if this one isn't the right fit.
> 
> By seeing him first, your STBX can't use him regardless of whether you stick with him or not.


The attorney is female. And from OP’s description a female white shark.


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## CrapMan

Cursive, 

How did it go with the attorney?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

TexasMom1216 said:


> I wonder what the kids think when the father has them DNA tested. Do they realize this man who has been their father for their entire lives is prepared to abandon them and punish them for something their mother did? I’d be interested to hear from those kids to understand what that does to them.


I truly believe there are no great choices, and it surely isn't the kids fault, for sure.

Lets say a man has two children. When they're almost say 16, 17, or however then it's found out the W cheated and neither child is his. However it's found out, not the issue.

A man's biggest problem with this is always going to be:
1. The guy has spent all those years, that child raising period in his life, and huge sums of money having kids to love, and yes continue his family's genetic line....
And will NEVER be that age again and have that same period of time or maybe that money to TRY AGAIN to continue his family's line.

2. And his W was a cheater and liar.

In most cases the W killed the Hs family line - his branch, just killed it off.

If the H was an only child, his cheating W just killed his whole family's genetic line. Gone. Kaput. Generations of Smith's, if you will, wiped out. They survived medieval times, revolutionary times, wars, depressions, hardships, etc.....
now are erased.

That's the largest part of the betrayal.

And, the H will have to pay child support eliminating money he may have used to try again.

And he'll of course love the kids he raised and should, it's not the kids fault, but one can see why he would be so very bitter, then feel guilty for that, too. It's a no win scenario.

So it kind of is a huge huge huge issue. Nobody wins.

Eta: correct spelling


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## TexasMom1216

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I truly believe there are no great choices, and it surely isn't the kids fault, for sure.
> 
> Lets say a man has two children. When they're almost say 16, 17, or however then it's found out the W cheated and neither child is his. However it's found out, not the issue.
> 
> A man's biggest problem with this is always going to be:
> 1. The guy has spent all those years, that child raising period in his life, and huge sums of money having kids to love, and yes continue his family's genetic line....
> And will NEVER be that age again and have that same period of time or maybe that money to TRY AGAIN to continue his family's line.
> 
> 2. And his W was a cheater and liar.
> 
> In most cases the W killed the Hs family line - his branch, just killed it off.
> 
> If the H was an only child, his cheating W just killed his whole family's genetic line. Gone. Kaput. Generations of Smith's, if you will, wiped out. They survived medieval times, revolutionary times, wars, depressions, hardships, etc.....
> now are erased.
> 
> That's the largest part of the betrayal.
> 
> And, the H will have to pay child support eliminating money he may have used to try again.
> 
> And he'll of course love the kids he raised and should, it's not the kids fault, but one can see why he would be so very bitter, then feel guilty for that, too. It's a no win scenario.
> 
> So it kind of is a huge huge huge issue. Nobody wins.
> 
> Eta: correct spelling


I agree it's a terrible, terrible situation for which the cheating woman is entirely to blame. She's blown up a lot of lives with her lies. I don't really get the whole "genetic line" thing, but I think it's just not something that's ever been a thing for me. I'm certainly not downplaying it's importance. And I also understand that raising a child is expensive and while it's hard for me to say that it was "wasted" money because, well, there's this awesome kid who is innocent, I get that you don't want to spend your money that way.

I can't believe we have a system so screwed up that a man would have to pay child support for someone else's child. But I do believe it, because that's how screwed up our system is.

I understand the dad's side of this, I do. But it makes my heart hurt to think about the kids, innocent victims who are rejected out of hand because of something that has nothing to do with them. For generations, women were forced to raise the bastards of their husbands, and I'm sure it was miserable for them, because everyone knew and they were publicly shamed and humiliated every day. I'm sure it's the same for a man who now knows a child isn't his and he's stuck raising the living symbol of his wife's betrayal. There are no good answers, and while I'm sad for the kids, I can certainly understand why men walk away.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

TexasMom1216 said:


> I agree it's a terrible, terrible situation for which the cheating woman is entirely to blame. She's blown up a lot of lives with her lies. I don't really get the whole "genetic line" thing, but I think it's just not something that's ever been a thing for me. I'm certainly not downplaying it's importance. And I also understand that raising a child is expensive and while it's hard for me to say that it was "wasted" money because, well, there's this awesome kid who is innocent, I get that you don't want to spend your money that way.
> 
> I can't believe we have a system so screwed up that a man would have to pay child support for someone else's child. But I do believe it, because that's how screwed up our system is.
> 
> I understand the dad's side of this, I do. But it makes my heart hurt to think about the kids, innocent victims who are rejected out of hand because of something that has nothing to do with them. For generations, women were forced to raise the bastards of their husbands, and I'm sure it was miserable for them, because everyone knew and they were publicly shamed and humiliated every day. I'm sure it's the same for a man who now knows a child isn't his and he's stuck raising the living symbol of his wife's betrayal. There are no good answers, and while I'm sad for the kids, I can certainly understand why men walk away.


Let's replace my word, wasted, with the phrase "used up all his available money", ie used it up, hasn't more money or years, or energy, to try again.


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## TexasMom1216

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Let's replace my word, wasted, with the phrase "used up all his available money", ie used it up, hasn't more money or years, or energy, to try again.


That's very fair. You said it better than I did. Plus I didn't even think about the age thing, even though men can father children until the actual end, most likely wouldn't want to be in their 60s with a toddler.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator Warning:- *Please! No more threadjacking!


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## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , hope things are well with you, that the consult with your attorney was useful.


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## CursiveWritingOnTheWall

I agree 100%. In my case, I don't think the DNA is necessary. Although, like I've said before im not against it, andbi don't take defensive to someone suggesting it. I would actually do it, knowing what I know now, if my X were to be pregnant last month for instance.


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## SnowToArmPits

> she has begged me to think about us, and what we could be.


What you could be? A cuckold? Fist fights with her boyfriends? Off to the doctor after she gives you the clap? Raising another man's child? An early grave? .... these are some of things you could be with her.


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## Rus47

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall , how have things been progressing? Did your attorney have any advice about how long the process will take in your state?


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## Rus47

I hope @CursiveWritingOnTheWall is ok. I hope his STBX didn't cause him any more trouble, like fake DV charge.


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## Taxman

Had a client around the beginning of COVID who lived in abject fear that his divorce was going to destroy him financially. He was in a bad way, for about a month into the process. Then, as he said, he woke up one morning and did not give two craps and a rats ass. If he was going to lose it all, then his STBXW was going to feel pain as well. He exposed. He exposed her AP and her to their employers, (both terminated for cause), he exposed her to her family. Her parents were horrified at her actions and advised her strongly not to make this public, else they would disown her completely. All of their friends were told. The exact opposite of what he feared came to pass. (One of our adjunct attorneys said that he suspected that the fallout of the exposure would be to totally intimidate the WW) In short, her parents told her that she will not go after him for spousal support. The AP was willing to throw the WW under the bus in order to save his marriage. Their children were in their late teens/early 20's. They turned on Mom. Like they could not be in the same room without screaming at her. She was driven into the ground, and made not a peep. The divorce proceeded smoothly. No contest whatsoever. Whatever we proposed, she and her rep accepted. Kept waiting for her to suddenly go nuts and ask for the moon and stars. Nope, she just capitulated. She lived with her parents until the D was final, then got herself a new job, and moved into an apartment. Gone was the lifestyle. Gone was the big paycheck. Gone was loving husband. She replaced it all with intensive psychotherapy. My client is sadder but much wiser. His kids support him well and encourage him to get out and meet new people.


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## Megaforce

Taxman said:


> Had a client around the beginning of COVID who lived in abject fear that his divorce was going to destroy him financially. He was in a bad way, for about a month into the process. Then, as he said, he woke up one morning and did not give two craps and a rats ass. If he was going to lose it all, then his STBXW was going to feel pain as well. He exposed. He exposed her AP and her to their employers, (both terminated for cause), he exposed her to her family. Her parents were horrified at her actions and advised her strongly not to make this public, else they would disown her completely. All of their friends were told. The exact opposite of what he feared came to pass. (One of our adjunct attorneys said that he suspected that the fallout of the exposure would be to totally intimidate the WW) In short, her parents told her that she will not go after him for spousal support. The AP was willing to throw the WW under the bus in order to save his marriage. Their children were in their late teens/early 20's. They turned on Mom. Like they could not be in the same room without screaming at her. She was driven into the ground, and made not a peep. The divorce proceeded smoothly. No contest whatsoever. Whatever we proposed, she and her rep accepted. Kept waiting for her to suddenly go nuts and ask for the moon and stars. Nope, she just capitulated. She lived with her parents until the D was final, then got herself a new job, and moved into an apartment. Gone was the lifestyle. Gone was the big paycheck. Gone was loving husband. She replaced it all with intensive psychotherapy. My client is sadder but much wiser. His kids support him well and encourage him to get out and meet new people.


This strategy worked for your client.
My friend, rather than exposing pre- divorce, merely planted( non- explicitly, to avoid extortion allegations) the threat of exposure. Worked very well. No maintenance to a w23 year stay at home mom, in California. Saved him millions.


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## Taxman

We assessed correctly that her silence subsequent to Dday smacked of a certain amount of fear of exposure. Her BH had to be convinced that he would not injure his case if more than just he, the OM and his WW knew of the affair and the fallout. Divorce can be a war of attrition. She apparently capitulated well before the first volley was fired.


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## ABHale

How are things @CursiveWritingOnTheWall


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## Rus47

I suspect OP has left the room. I dont believe he has any time for TAM. Hopefully things are going well for him but suspect bad things, like his STBX filing DV charge.


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## SunCMars

Taxman said:


> Had a client around the beginning of COVID who lived in abject fear that his divorce was going to destroy him financially. He was in a bad way, for about a month into the process. Then, as he said, he woke up one morning and did not give two craps and a rats ass. If he was going to lose it all, then his STBXW was going to feel pain as well. He exposed. He exposed her AP and her to their employers, (both terminated for cause), he exposed her to her family. Her parents were horrified at her actions and advised her strongly not to make this public, else they would disown her completely. All of their friends were told. The exact opposite of what he feared came to pass. (One of our adjunct attorneys said that he suspected that the fallout of the exposure would be to totally intimidate the WW) In short, her parents told her that she will not go after him for spousal support. The AP was willing to throw the WW under the bus in order to save his marriage. Their children were in their late teens/early 20's. They turned on Mom. Like they could not be in the same room without screaming at her. She was driven into the ground, and made not a peep. The divorce proceeded smoothly. No contest whatsoever. Whatever we proposed, she and her rep accepted. Kept waiting for her to suddenly go nuts and ask for the moon and stars. Nope, she just capitulated. She lived with her parents until the D was final, then got herself a new job, and moved into an apartment. Gone was the lifestyle. Gone was the big paycheck. Gone was loving husband. She replaced it all with intensive psychotherapy. My client is sadder but much wiser. His kids support him well and encourage him to get out and meet new people.


This is the stuff of movies, that wishful Karma getting it's digs.....in.

Most divorces for infidelity are less eventful, and sooner or later, forgotten.
Life goes on.

I do agree that a wife (WW or not) who has not the means to support herself....well, after divorce, could see these consequences hit home harder.

And, men who lived comfortably on two incomes, his wife's and his own, could see his life becoming, less than comfortable.

Men and women often do, find another partner, after divorce. 

Many on here say that it is easier for a man to find another decent partner, especially, in a later life divorce.

I guess it depends on how one defines 'decent'. 
The baggage we trail behind us, is a reality.

The new partner is likely going to be older and wiser and less likely to put up with crap.

As we age, we get _set in our ways_, eh?

If they had it great before, the likelihood that the next relationship will be equal or better ( I venture) is uncommon.


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## DosEquis

OP, just got caught up on your thread and wanted to say you are doing well considering this massive betrayal and resulting shytestorm you are facing.

Strength, healing and clarity to you sir.

BTW, I may have missed it but do you mind sharing you and you CW's ages?


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## ShatteredKat

Cursive - are you still "with us?" - you have been absent for over a week and some of us worry if something adverse has
occured to you... (Other than the Wicked Witch)


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## Megaforce

ShatteredKat said:


> Cursive - are you still "with us?" - you have been absent for over a week and some of us worry if something adverse has
> occured to you... (Other than the Wicked Witch)


He seemed to know what he had to do and was taking steps. His is a fairly cut and dried deal: walked in on them, so no doubts; a horrible, uncaring response from his wife; subsequent interference with his seeing the kids; no remorse etc.

He ,,hopefully, has friends and family supporting him. So, perhaps no need to visit here.


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## Divinely Favored

TexasMom1216 said:


> If you were unfaithful, would you accept being cut off from your children permanently?


No one would, but the faithful spouse should have primary residential custody with visitation to WS.


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## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> Possibly. But no way his actions expose the company to any liability. There is no vicarious liability in this set of facts.


No but they may not want it plastered all over social media, the store business may take a hit.


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## Divinely Favored

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yeah it is.


A woman could never know what it is like.


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## ABHale

Divinely Favored said:


> No one would, but the faithful spouse should have primary residential custody with visitation to WS.


I agree 100% with this.

My mom cheated and got primary custody of us kids. The court couldn’t have made a more ****ed up decision. Our childhood was bad until we went to live with our dad as we turned of age to decide for ourselves.

In my experience, a mom that cheats cares very little for her kids.


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## Divinely Favored

Megaforce said:


> I
> 
> Definitely your prerogative. Hope you never face this. But, in the event you or anyone else does, do not bank on it affecting support obligations.
> As I mentioned, it varies from state to state and now some are allowing defrauded husbands to avoid support.
> 
> As I recall, in some of the jurisdictions there is a limited window of time to challenge paternity for husbands. So, be vigilant.
> 
> One thing I have wondered about is if there would be a cause of action against the actual biological father if the husband was saddled with the support. I would see no reason the biological father could not be sued for damages.


In Okla. you seek DNA test and it proves you are not the baby daddy, you are off the hook.


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## Divinely Favored

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yeah it is.


A man is not morally obligated to support another man's child, unless he signed on from the beginning.


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## Divinely Favored

TexasMom1216 said:


> Real fathers have an emotional attachment to their children as individuals. Real fathers actually care about their children as people. Real fathers are not men who view children as one more asset they own and turn their backs on them when anything doesn’t go their way. If you have no emotional attachment to them then you’re not a real father, real fathers actually get involved with their kids beyond sperm donation. There are more fathers like you than like my husband, for sure, but I’m grateful there are men who actually get attached to women and children and don’t view us as mindless property. But hey, to each his own.


If it is not his child, he is NOT the father. If a woman has issues with a man not raising his wife's offspring, let's even the field. Place the child up for adoption and then adopt a child neither is related to. Or even, dad finds surrogate to carry his child and then tell the wife what a POS she is if she does not want to raise her husband's child with another woman.


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## Rubix Cubed

If he did a DNA test and found the kids weren't his but he still wanted to continue raising them it could open the door for his cheating STBX to get full custody. IMO it's not worth it unless he'd leave his kids, which he REALLY doesn't strike me as the type to do that.

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall you are slaying this beast like a champion. Textbook handling of this ****ty deal. Some newly betrayed spouses can learn a lot from this.


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## DosEquis

DNA testing is equally about the health of the children. How many times do you have to fill out family health history questions for your child and they will as adults as well. There was one story where the child was diagnosed with a serious genetic disorder where both parents would have had to have the gene and only one married partner did (mother) and thats how the cheating came out. The man was devestated to know that:

1. The beloved child was not his bio offspring (looked a lot like him....turned out his CW had a "type").

2. She knew all along and allowed him to think it was his...paternity fraud.

3. AND, door #3, she cheated.

The trifecta of betrayal.

DNA testing where adultery has taken place in a marriage is *always* wise. There have been many cases where kids found out as *adults, *some after having their own children. They too were filling out *their* children's family history incorrectly. If you want to read a massive gut check about paternity fraud and DNA testing, read u/TotallyLostMan_TA 's threads over at reddit. When you do, take some rolaids and have a stiff drink handy. Holy hell.


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