# Can I Date During Separation?



## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

My wife and I are taking some time apart. Our marriage has been really rough for all 1.5 years. I need to do some serious sole searching and figure out what I want in life. Part of finding that answer I think will be if I hang out with another woman or two - hopefully get me to the answer of if I want to be with my wife or not. Sounds somewhat selfish, yes, but I've been neglecting my own happiness for such a long time that I've lost sight of what I need to be happy as a person - part of which I think I need is to move on from this marriage.

What happens if I do this or hook up with another woman while we are separated? What are the ramifications of this legally? I live in Virginia, if I do this and then we get a divorce am I screwing myself financially??


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Thanks, it's so hard though, I mean I've looked at every possible way to save our marriage, but I just don't think I can be happy with someone I'm waiting to change. She treats me like **** and is convinced otherwise. I can only take so much damage, it's like I want to see how I'd feel single - happier or not.

Thanks for the advice tough. I can see how emotionally it's probably not going to help, but legally am I making it worse on myself? Also what is dating? If I meet a girl for dinner to hang out, that's not dating right? It's such a grey line.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You really tick me off, you know that. its probably not you, its probably my own issues with my H, but still, do you have no respect for your vows at all???

I know you want to whine and say how mean your wife is, how sad it all is for you, you just want some happiness, blah, blah, blah. get a grip. life is tough. deal with it. have you no moral ground at all? when you arent happy you just do whatever feels good in the moment, you dont think for two seconds about what you promised when you got married?

This has nothing to do with your wife. This has to do with what kind of man you are. If you go out and date, you will prove to be a pathetic one.

If you want to date and meet other women, get a divorce first.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Yeah, if I remember correctly, you have a similar situation to me. If that's correct, you shoudl know that its easy to criticize when you don't know the whole story.

"have you no moral ground at all?"
I do have a lot of morale ground, hence the reason I'm so torn. Also the reason I've been taking emotional and verbal abuse for over 2 years. It tears me apart to be so in love with someone who treats me so poorly. Says one thing, does another. Doesn't admit her own faults or do things to improve them. Marriage is supposed to make you a better person, and we are both worse people in our marriage.

"when you arent happy you just do whatever feels good in the moment, you dont think for two seconds about what you promised when you got married?"
That's a bold statement. I've been thinking hard about my vows, my morals for over a year and have sacrificed so much of myself as a person and so much of my own happiness to get this far - and nothing is improving.

"If you go out and date, you will prove to be a pathetic one." if you knew what I truly went through and feel, you would realize I'm not a pathetic man. I've struggled so much, you don't (or maybe you do) know what it feels like to feel like you are a fish in a tank in yoru wife's house and you are screaming to get her to listen to you and she doesn't hear a thing and you are trapped inside that tank with no where to go or fear if you "jump" out you will die, but there's no way of knowing if you'll die before doing it (divorcing).

"get a divorce first." you know it's not that easy.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

SeekingAdvice3:

Have you and your wife been to counseling? If not, I recommend trying it and/or reading and applying some knowledge from books/DVD's to help improve your relationship. If it doesn't work out, after a certain time period, then you know you at least tried.

My wife and I (married 21 years), have been separated for 11 months now. We went thru a lot of intense counseling a year, before we separated. We talk several times/week and try to work out our issues, but they are what they are and we may end up getting a divorce, if issues are not resolved. That said, it's been painful and lonesome for me (and I'm sure her also), during this time. More than once she's told me that she releases me from the marriage commitment. However, I will NOT date anyone (even if I wanted too), until, if and when we get divorced, because I'm still married to her...

You need the separation time to clear your head and find yourself and hopefully work on your marriage. Dating someone else will definitely make your situation more complicated.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Thanks Malibu,

We've been to 4 counselors, and I've been going to one myself (went for 10 weeks in a row before christmas) and just started up again. I've encouraged and asked my wife to go herself and she can't even muster up the energy to do that - which probably hurts me just as much as everything else. She tends to think because she went to counseling when she was like 16, that she knows everything and I'm the one that needs work - that mindset itself is what is driving many many issues.

I admire your commitment to your wife despite everything. Being that you're married about as long as I've been alive, you are probably much more mature than I am......I know I've regreted a lot of things in my life because I've always done what' best for everyone around me - sacrificing myself and I'm miserable for it. I'm not sure what to do, at this point I do think it's best to do what i feel is right, only I can know that, no matter how wrong it may be in someone elses eyes. If I date someone else and realize much sooner that this isn't working, I'm saving my wife from losing another year or her life where she could be moving on and be happier.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

It certainly sounds like you've tried, especially with the counseling route. You're at the point, that ONLY you can decide how much more you're willing to tolerate. If not any more, then you're ready to determine in your mind that the relationship is over (as much as you may love and/or care for her), and you (and her), need to make the difficult choice to possibly get a divorce and move on with your life.

I know from expereince how gut wrenching this is; especially in my case, when children are involved. I'm going to give our separation a full year (March 09), before filing, if that's what I choose to do. I told her the same thing.

I wish you the best in making the best choices for your life.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

It does sound like you have tried, but in some ways it also sounds like you're looking for an emotional fall back by wanting to try out dating others before deciding if you want to divorce.

May I ask if you have asked your wife how she would feel if you dated other people? 

How would you feel about her dating others during the course of your seperation?

Have you ever spent much time as a single person living alone?


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## Justseparated14 (Jan 29, 2009)

I am in the similar situation. After 14 years together my husband told me that he wants a divorce, because he was just not in love with me anymore. He refused to talk about it or do any counselling. Almost immediately he started going out to the bars every day and registered with march.com. Its been over 3 month since we separated. Because it happened so suddenly, I was completely in shock for the first 2 month . I just now got myself together and also registered on match.com. I guess I am also exploring the other way of life. To make the long story short, my ex got tired of going into bars where he "couldn't meet quality people"-his words. He is now trying match.com. Well, guess what? I ve met someone on mathch.com and I am the one who is very happy now, while he looks completely miserable and even jealous. I guess he can dish it up, but can't take it! I guess what I am trying to say is, if you want to see other women- that is fine. However, make sure that this is what you want to do, because by doing it, you are giving your wife an open invitation to do the same! What if she finds someone before you do? What if you don't like dating other women and want to go back, but she is already with someone else? Think about that! 
Legally, it depends on your state's divorce law. Go to their website and check if its no fault state. My state is no fault state, so we can pretty much can date in the open and it will not affect the divorce, property or any other outcome. The only thing that matters is income, prenaps, finances. Good luck!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Reverse situations what if your wife dated other men whilsts seperated how would you feel?


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Thanks all.

First of all, honestly at this point, I wouldn't mind if my wife dated someone else. I honestly feel like I've given it just about my all and it's just never enough. I'd prefer to date 100 guys and realize I'm the right one and start treating me like that or find one better and at least be happy. If that were the case, and she found someone before me, it would probably hurt and crush my confidence/self-esteem, but eventually she'd be happy, which is good, and I'm sure I'd find someone too - I've actually never really taken much time to go out and hit on women and date girls after high school.

I personally spend like 3 years alone living, gaining responsibility and maturity for being an adult. She was hovered by her parents until we married and moved in together. She is very immature (but will scream (ironically) that she is very mature.

Ugh....well thanks for those sympathizing, it sucks but again I'm just looking for an answer and want to get there no matter what it takes because it'll be best for both of us in the long run.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you need to take time just to be you, yes go out , but id stay clear of any relationship until you are sure in your mind what you want.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

I married at 25 1/2, she was 24/ 1/2. I'm about to turn 27. So not SUPER young, but as I mentioned, I spent my entire high school and college focused on working hard for my future. now i'm realizing how much I missed out on dating and having fun and it's like this huge hole I can't fill.

That sounds like I married when I wasn't ready to, but i think that "hole" i feel has grown significantly because the marriage has been so damaging to me. I mean I was ready for the marriage I thought would be...... ya know?

also we dated for 2 years prior to engagement and got married 4 months after that.


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## sadhusband (Mar 23, 2009)

Dude.... adding another person into a chaotic situation shows very little regard for your wife, yourself, and the other person. Work on yourself, what you did to make the relationship stink and figure out what you can improve. The last thing you need to do is add another person into your chaos... Seriously dude... get a reality check and be a real man... Really easy: Ask yourself if this is how you would want a man to treat your daughter? I don't think soooo..


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

A year ago I would have probably called you a pig. After what I've gone thru, much of my thinking has changed. Legally, I don't know what the laws are in your state. Check with an attorney. In my state none of that matters. Married people can do whatever and not suffer any consequences. 

Before my husband moved out a year ago, he spent a couple of years cheating on me. Once the cheating began, he wasn't there for me. Many nights I sat up crying. He refused counseling. I begged and pleaded with him to "work on the marriage". All he could say was that he didn't know what he wanted. He refused to give up the mistresses. In the meantime, I went to individual counseling. The counselor and I gave him until January to make an effort to "work on the marriage". January came and still no interest in working on the marriage. So, in January I began dating again. It was awkward to start, but it has gotten easier. So far, the men I have dated have been in a similar situation and it has worked out well. Oh, and on the religious side of things, I'm at peace there too. In addition, I have my family's blessings. After trying everything in my power to "fix" this marriage, I decided it is about time I found some happiness. If my husband changes his mind and leaves his current residence in "Never Never Land", then he can become one of the suitors I guess. He can try to win me back or he can file for divorce. He was the one who left the marriage. There was no point in putting my life on hold while he aimlessly drifted around.

I don't know if this helps any, but this is my saga and I'm at peace with whatever. I guess you will have to do what feels right in your heart.


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Morally... you're married and should not date until you are no longer married.

Legally... you're married and should not date until you are no longer married.

That said, dating will only cover up your problems. You'd be better off taking care of yourself right now and take a good long look at what went wrong... not just what your wife did wrong, but you also. You are not totally blameless just like you are not totally at fault. You will only continue to make the same mistakes in future relationships if you don't take some time to really see what went wrong and what you can do to prevent that in the future, whether it is with your wife or someone else. Don't you owe that to yourself?


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I would give anything to have my wife back and you ar asking if you can date when you are separated. Whatever dude, get a divorce and date away or honor your wedding vows.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

well personally i beileve just because you are seperated doesnt meen your not married and your marriage is still binding i think it is still adultry to be with someone else while seperated and is considered to me to be sinful to do so and why did you marry in the first place if you dont want the comitment and resposabilitys that go with a marriage the things that make you happy cant your wife be involved in them you just might find you can be happier than ever if you did so I think you are being selfish and please forgive me for being so staight forward remember your marriage vows what were they to you just a ritual or a promise to God think about your wifes heart would it be broken if she found out you were seeing someone ??? I wish for once people could look past themselves for once and concider what they are doing to other peoples feeling when they decide to act


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## Serendipity (Apr 7, 2009)

I'm going to give you the most honest reply you'll have to this thread...... The answer is no! 

Despite what many of you will think of me, it is important that this man reads this.... 

I dated a seperated man, who like you moaned about his wife, how crule she was to him, how she could never admit her own faults, how everything was his fault but she would never face up to how nasty she was to him, how hard she made his life, how unreasonable she was to him etc etc She told him she loved him like an uncle and that he was awful in bed and that he was selfish... she made him feel like he was just there to pay the bills and keep her in the life she had become accustomed to - through all of this he mentioned how beautiful she was, that he was trying to make sure he wasn't wasting anymore of her time and his, that although he still loved her, because in his words and I quote "you will always love the mother of your children and you can't have spent 20 years of your life with someone without loving them" etc etc.... 

I know the more seasoned of you as reading this and asking yourself how I could have been so stupid, that it was all there in front of me and that I should have never got involved with a seperated man.... ALL of this is true and I have learn't my leasson so for anyone out there contemplating let me say ....Seperated is not DIVORCED, Seperated does not equal DIVORCED.... are you seeing my pattern "Mr should I date while I'm seperated"? 

Let me get to the real point, I am a kind, loving good person, who wants nothing more than to meet someone and take vows of my own .... I went into a relationship with this man based on the fact the he had left, he wanted a divorce, they had applied for divorce and agreed everything, I listened (and foolishly I beleived him) when he talked about our future, both of us showed caution and realisim about not rushing our relationship but at the same time I loved him. 

He eventually told his seperated wife he was dating ... and when she showed her absolute devestation to this news he told her it was nothing, I meant nothing, he made the months and months and months we had spent together seem like nothing, he told her I was someone he had met in a bar and taken out for a couple of drinks.... not someone he had travelled to paris with, or someone he journeyed over 4 hours to get to weekend after weekend... he lied to his wife and me look cheap. 

This was devestating for me, forget humiliation he caused me, think about the deceit he has shown his wife, think about the fool she would feel if she ever found out, ... of course she won't because I would never tell her and neither will he, but how can this marriage work based on all the deceit he has done. 

Now, well now, he is dating his wife - ha ha ha. He says they need to find out if the feelings they have for each other are just because they have known each other for so long or if it is more. He is staying in his bachelor pad and she is staying in the family home and after 20 years of marriage they are going to date and see what happens. I don't know if this will work, I don't know if they can fix it, in many ways I hope they can, but in truth he will always live with the fact that he cheated his wife. And beleive it or not while what we did together was wrong I feel his ultimate betray was going back without giving his wife the full truth - she deserved that - now she just thinks there perfect marriage had a little Hiccough - this is great for her if they work it out and he never cheats again but what if he does.... 

As for me, I was taken advantage of, I was the girl he used to find out if there was anything just that little better than his wife out there, I was the person whose heart he senslessly and selfishly broke without any consideration for anyone elses needs except his own. And his wife, bless her, she was forced into seperation, had to watch her children suffer, helped him pack his belongings to move away from their family home, she had to endure the realisation of the end of their marriage and she had to suffer the agony of the loss, all for him to come back and want to date. And now she has to put the effort into trying to make their marriage work, trying to help him fall in love with her again, while I have to endure the heartache of loss and a very tough leasson learnt. 

Ladies at least you know there is one more woman out there that won't date your seperated man.. My appolgies for having done it in the first place but is was without intentional malice. 

As you sir please don't date - you will only break more hearts than is fair. Fix your relationship with your wife - HONESTLY or leave and get divorced, get over it and date HONESTLY


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## Alecram (Apr 3, 2009)

*Serendipity*--I can imagine how devastated you must have felt. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. The only person that came out the winner was that man who is the biggest sleaze. I feel bad for you and for his wife because both were betrayed.

*SeekingAdvice3*--If Serendipity's story doesn't make you think twice about dating while separated, then nothing will. Just think that if you date other people, someone is going to get hurt. Even if while dating you manage to sort out whether you want to divorce or not, that's great, you will accomplish something for yourself. But what about the person that you're dating? Who's to say that that woman falls head over heels for you and then you decide that "Oops sorry, I think I want my wife after all". Don't you think that other woman might be crushed? You don't really sound like a cold, heartless slimeball. Is breaking an innocent person's heart something you would want to do?

Here's something else to think about. If you date before getting a divorce, it might ruin all chances of your wife wanting to change to get you back. Even if she did decide to work harder at your marriage because she found out you were dating, she's still going to resent you for having dated while separated in the first place. 

Of course you're going to do what you feel is right for you, whatever that is, but think hard about the consequeces your actions will bring to all present and future parties involved.

Good luck.


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## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

I wouldnt recommend it, especially if children are involved. Makes things sooooooooooooooooo much more complicated when(and IF) you guys get a divorce.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> Thanks, it's so hard though, I mean I've looked at every possible way to save our marriage, but I just don't think I can be happy with someone I'm waiting to change. *She treats me like **** and is convinced otherwise.* I can only take so much damage, it's like I want to see how I'd feel single - happier or not.
> 
> Thanks for the advice tough. I can see how emotionally it's probably not going to help, but legally am I making it worse on myself? Also what is dating? If I meet a girl for dinner to hang out, that's not dating right? It's such a grey line.


omg u sound just like me. Listen, emotional abuse is probably the worst abuse you can suffer. I have a ton more experience in this (almost 6 years now.) You are a 'nice guy' right? You give and give and dont get back is that right? And all she does is walk all over you....am I right?

Look there's a lot U need to work out and if she is what I suspect she is then its not worth being with her. I know its hard, but please listen to me because there were people like me telling me the same thing a long time ago and I refused to listen. Now we have a 2 year old and in the middle of a divorce because her emotional abuse escalated to physical, and she cheated on me twice.

Does she come from an abused home? Was she raped? Or atleast claim to have been?

Theres nothing you can do about these things my friend. You cannot 'save' her. She needs to want to change and you are saying she is in denial (I have a ton more to say about that). The denial....ugh so dangerous, its how she enabled herself to cheat...and no its not the same as lying...they really believe their lies, and when it doesnt have enough to be backed up it'll go back and forth and they will cry and cry...

anyways, PM me if you want or just post up more back story here.


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## Mappy (Feb 6, 2009)

It really sounds like you married young. But I would wait for the divorce to end if I were you. I am also going through divorce married last year 10 May (I filed) but I am not looking at dating anyone because I feel it is not morally correct for me and i have a little girl whose life I cannot afford to mess up. I still love my husband but I had to leave him because of his medling parents that he kept on protecting. 

Being by yourself will help you find yourself and to be happy on your own. There's nothing as fullfilling as feeling that you do not need anyone to be complete. I am sure there ae other things you can do, like catch up with the life you lost being an adult at a young age. 

Advice: Find your true self before looking at other people, you'll find it fulfilling. Don't act on emotions try to be level headed.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I might be wrong, but I think I know what seekingadvice is going through. After being in a controlling and abusive relationship like this, he needs to know what is normal again. Thats why he is asking if its ok, because he needs to explore the possibility that he's not crazy and that what he's been living with all this time is whats crazy, his woman was crazy and completely undermined him....its hard to explain unless you've been in it. But just talking to a girl helped set me straight because experiencing that respect and positivity from a woman is sort of validating. You realize that it WAS just her, and that you didn't have to be with her all this time.

Seekingadvice, I say dont actually date. Just meet women. Flirt away too, its healthy. Just wait on actually dating anyone. Go out, have fun, get phone numbers, but dont do anything stupid.

Oh and Mappy was right too. Find yourself, explore your interests...but I say that goes for your sexuality too and realizing your male needs. Like I said though...try to keep it in your pants until after the divorce lol


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