# Sometimes it feels like a terrible mistake



## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I feel bad that I've been on this board for a little while and haven't shared my own situation. I'm not sure what can really be done about it.

To be honest I never expected to the relationship to my now-husband to get serious. He was in a relationship with someone else and I thought we would be a fling. I dated a few other people before and after him and he fell in love with me.

I haven't quite ever returned the favor.

There are so many people that think we're the perfect couple. I feel so terrible everyday that I just don't love him like he loves me. When he first tried to propose I cut him off and told him I was too young. So he patiently waited a year and tried again. I truly believe he's one of the world's most perfect men. 

I don't know if I just didn't date enough or if there is really something wrong with me...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Being the perfect person and someone your are attracted to/want are two different things.

My question to you is overall are you happy?

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

draconis said:


> My question to you is overall are you happy?


Life is comfortable with him. I don't know if I am happy.

I fantasize a lot about life without him. But then I get scared because I've never been on my own and don't know what I'd do. I don't have a lot of confidence that I'd be able to take care of myself.

I guess I feel rather hopeless.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You should never feel hopeless and life will go on just not as good as you might have it now. Sometimes love grows. Sometimes it doesn't. My ex-wife and I were great friends and shared many common interests. We did romantic things but in the end we where glorified friends. It didn't last. My grand parents had started the same way but as time past they grew together. So it might happen.

After my first wife I didn't know if there was really a person out there for me. My only real love had been my high school sweetheart of four years. Then I met my wife and we had everything from passion to romance and got along better then friends.

I hope in some way this helps and doesn't confuse you more.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I do understand what you mean by glorified friends. It does feel that DH and I are best friends--but for me it's little more than that. It really doesn't seem to be changing.

But I don't feel that this would be a good reason to end a marriage. It's true that I am scared but I wouldn't be able to justify leaving a relationship where there isn't anything wrong. 

I've never been in love. I don't know that I'm missing anything. Why on earth should I go take a chance on something that might not exist for me? Especially since I seem to be the only one that's unhappy here.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

I must be the strangest woman around. It sounds like you have the perfect marriage to me.

I have never put much stock in what we are taught our feelings should be for our chosen spouses. Being a "glorified" friend is the safest place to be, IMHO. Perhaps tales of endless romance have created unreasonable expectations, as it does for so many people.

Now, this isn't to say that you don't have the right to have true happiness, but being content and safe gets a lot more mileage.

My suggestion?

Make the first move toward adding a little spark to your relationship. Since you are not hobbled by intense emotion, you can be creative in keeping the relationship interesting and adventurous. Being a loving spouse can take many forms. YOu can stop comparing your emotions to your spouses if you accept the ways that you show that you are a loving person.

It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

evenow said:


> I do understand what you mean by glorified friends. It does feel that DH and I are best friends--but for me it's little more than that. It really doesn't seem to be changing.
> 
> But I don't feel that this would be a good reason to end a marriage. It's true that I am scared but I wouldn't be able to justify leaving a relationship where there isn't anything wrong.
> 
> I've never been in love. I don't know that I'm missing anything. Why on earth should I go take a chance on something that might not exist for me? Especially since I seem to be the only one that's unhappy here.


I have known through friends and family the love you are looking for growing out of the relationship you talk about. Maybe you just don't have those butterflies but then again for the most part many people let them fade.

It is why I try EVERDAY to do something for my wife. It helps to keep my feelings for her and I can see how she respondes back to me.

draconis


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Sagemother,
tales of endless romance have created unreasonable expectations, as it does for so many people.

U got me thinking!!! 

Evenow,
i m sorry for what u r going thru, dont be hard on yourself, everyone of us deserve to be happy and loved. I have not much suggestion for u other than sharing my own experience-DH and me were complete strangers when we married and it took us a while to fall in love with each other, once it happened we were the most romantic couples for years! 

We still love each other dearly except for some misunderstandings and stress we are going thru, i have been mad and upset with my DH a lot of times but the thought of divorce will never cross my (our) mind because i feel that if i cant be happy with the one who loves me and makes me secure I wont be happy with anyone else!

Take care!


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I appreciate the responses. You all are right. I am in a secure, safe relationship with someone who loves me and I should be happy with that. I feel so stupid sometimes for for not being happier.



> Perhaps tales of endless romance have created unreasonable expectations, as it does for so many people.


This is true. For me it was my grandmother. She loved to tell me the story of when she met the man that was her true love. She described the electricity and the incredible emotion when their eyes met...and the crushing disappointment she felt when she lifted her ring finger to show him she was married.

I guess I never realized how badly I wanted to feel that passion and those butterflies--not badly enough to wait for someone that caused it, I guess.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

There are two kinds of spark.

Instant attraction that can fade with time anyways.

Pure happiness with a partner.

When I first met my wife I wasn't looking for a wife at all but the more I got to really know her the more I wanted. She amazes me today still. We have that spark because we share and love and communicate. We act as a team and make each moment count.

What you have isn't a bad situation. Think of all the people that have it worse then you, that have problems with cheating or a partner that treats them badly or have addiction problems.

Is it that you just want more or are you truely unhappy?

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I want to apologize for my last post, it was a little petulant. I guess I get frustrated because I've seen the horizon in my relationship. Imagine you've married your best friend--of the same sex and you're heterosexual. No spark has ever been in-between you.

Of course you're going to have fun and communicate well. You're both buddies. There will also never be more invested in this relationship than loving them like a brother/sister/friend. You rarely have passionate arguments because you don't care about them as a lover. You rarely initiate anything because it doesn't occur to you to see them as anything but a teddy bear.

I am unhappy a lot. But sometimes I don't know if it is because of what I'm doing/not doing or if it's just the unhappiness I carry around in me. I am loving to him. But it just feels like there should be more.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sometimes more is all in the cards. When you are in any long term relationship mundane life comes in. You can still make the sparks fly by adding to it. I think your problem was you never had the sparks with him, so you do not know how to build that fire or keep it going.

You compared it to a teddy bear. Nice. Why do some adults like teddy bears because they are cute or reminds them of happy childhood or the safety of a friend. But when you are a kid a teddy bear is loved and cherished.

Think of that and try to adjust to this loving and caring man. He is your teddy bear, but it can mean so much more then just a good thing. You seem to have some wall up keeping you from enjoying what you have. Some thing in the back of your mind that says what if. As if you are afraid of being hurt, maybe because you have been in the past.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

draconis said:


> Think of that and try to adjust to this loving and caring man. He is your teddy bear, but it can mean so much more then just a good thing. You seem to have some wall up keeping you from enjoying what you have. Some thing in the back of your mind that says what if. As if you are afraid of being hurt, maybe because you have been in the past.


I will take your advice. Thank you for listening to me.

I cannot quite fathom why my husband loves me as he does. I guess I should enjoy the mystery.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe you are much better of a person then you give yourself credit for and you husband sees this greatness in you.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

draconis said:


> Maybe you are much better of a person then you give yourself credit for and you husband sees this greatness in you.
> 
> draconis


Isn't that the truth!

He loves without worrying about equal time!

The others who see you as the perfect couple probably pick up on a balance in your relationship that you cannot experience, because you are in the middle of a lot of ongoing, personal conflict.


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