# Why keep expecting...?



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Most of the time I can just chill and keep counting down the days until I leave. Today on way to airport to take DH to work, we got into it a bit, I got upset (cried a bit, darn it!), then things were left hanging (unresolved), he kissed me and said: "Well, I hope your day gets better...", got out of the car and left on a jet plane....

Well, he doesn't leave the country until tomorrow, staying in DC since 4pm tonight, but he doesn't even give a ring to even see how I am doing....

This has been a pattern over the years. We have a discussion or something is upsetting, he flies away, and makes himself scarce and never calls concerned at ALL!

Have I been expecting too much, am I just crazy, thinking he seems kind of cold and disconnected? He has always done this..in the past I've SAID: "When I am upset, it would be nice if you'd touch bases before leaving out of country..." . But he never does, even when I ask.

Is this a form of emotional unavailability? Just not there for me? Or am I out of line?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

no, sandy, you're not out of line.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

(((*** HUGS ***))) Sandy! 

I'd think that if he cared, he would do it. 

I know it's not the same, but we're here for you.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Thanks. It is like out of sight out of mind! 

What does he DO....just sit in the hotel room and twiddle his thumbs? Why not call me and say: "I know you were upset...I am sorry I had to go, I hope you are feeling better. Why don't you take in a movie...?".

I feel like I have been a husband and wife for 24 years.

I feel like I have been a mom and a dad for 23 years.

I am just all alone and married. 

Sorry...guess am just feeling sorry for myself. 

Chin up, chest out, march on..... Sigh.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Seems under those conditions, you would be happy your moving and getting ready to divorce. Life is full of change and it seems the relationship is what it is, and its not for you.
You would do better looking into the future, not the past... as your not going to change him, you can only change yourself. You have to let go of any hope in him...
your hopes should now center around yourself, in that you can let go and move ahead with your life and whatever it may hold for you.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I don't know the whole back story here. But I know you are moving out. Does he know you are moving out?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

HUP! TWO THREE FOUR! 

(back at cha sandy... no time for dumps, it's a beautiful day, world ain't ended yet, and we gotta believe there is a plan.)


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I ended a relationship to a selfish man several years ago. It was hard to walk away because I thought I was in love and the sex was awesome. Turned out it was the best thing I ever did, and it allowed someone worthwhile into my life.
When one door closes, another opens, all you have to do is let what will happen, happen.
I got someone far, far, far better !!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

preso said:


> I ended a relationship to a selfish man several years ago. It was hard to walk away because I thought I was in love and the sex was awesome. Turned out it was the best thing I ever did, and it allowed someone worthwhile into my life.
> When one door closes, another opens, all you have to do is let what will happen, happen.
> I got someone far, far, far better !!!


Although I'm not really looking toward finding another relationship in the future (actually that would terrify me...) I AM looking forward to doing some things that I've put on the back burner and focusing on me rather than everyone else, especially him. 

GPR, yes he knows I am moving out. We have such complex financial issues to sort out it may take two years; we also have a ds 23 at home (one reason am leaving) who DH refuses to make stand on his own two feet - huge parenting conflicts with the DS23. Also have DS nearly 16, who wants to stay in house (I cannot stay in house because new job is 80 miles away), because he just started HS at his HS. The stipulation of DS 16 staying in house with DS 23/DH is that his grades stay As and high Bs...as DS 16 is looking toward Naval Academy for college. IF DS 16 grades SLIP to less than 50/50 As and Bs, or he gets in ANY trouble issues, he must then pack up and come to where I am moving to. DS 16 is my biggest worry about leaving. My sons and I are very close, well, all my kids and I are close, since DH has never been much of a player in their lives. Give him credit for being great at supporting us all financially...but money isn't love.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Although I'm not really looking toward finding another relationship in the future (actually that would terrify me...) I AM looking forward to doing some things that I've put on the back burner and focusing on me rather than everyone else, especially him.


Now that your a nurse you will have the opportunity to work, work, work and make enough money to pay all the legal fees and get rid of whatever financial issues you have. You can find good 12 hour shifts and some of them pay differential for 7p-7a and weekends, you can work extra on weekends... Five to 6 ... 12 hour shifts a week. Thats what I did for at least half the time I was a nurse...
Its reasonable to make 80K a year but you will work your butt off.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Preso: You know what being a nurse is like, and when I became a nurse, I found out how hard it is, and how they work you like dogs sometimes! I don't know how some nurses do it, 5-8 patients at a time, keeping everything straight. *My hat is off to you for working so hard, you deserve the pension you have, woman. * :smthumbup:


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Preso: My dh used to say: I don't know why you just can't punch a time clock (nursing? punching a time clock???). He had NO clue what nursing is about. 

Neither did I until I became a nurse.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

yes I know what being a nurse is like. I am still an RN, although not working anymore. I will not go back to it. If I do go back to work someday it will be something not in medical... something low stress and fun.
All I can say is: I'm glad its over !


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well, he flew to DC Friday at noon. Didn't call me Friday night at all. Not even an email. He was in DC from then until 6pm Sat, he didn't call me at all and no emails.

He flew out at 6:20pm eastern time....Saturday.

No calls, no emails, no nothing.

He thinks a marriage can be maintained without caring enough to call?? I keep expecting.....

I have to get out of this marriage, and yes, am working on it, 13 more days til I depart.

But am so SAD that after 27 years he's NEVER picked up the ball and ran with it...I've given him sooooo much opportunity, my patience, creative ways to make it easier for him....I have been a good wife, I THINK!!??. I am not the easiest to live with, I don't think anyone is. 

If he isn't the focus, no one is.... Staying in a marriage where it is so one sided is so hard on the self esteem...if one is not careful! 

I've been here, home for 24 years, taking care of kids, the houses, the cars, the yard, maintaining EVERYTHING, from bank accounts, to tires changed on cars, roofing issues, plumbing issues, kids in the hospital, hell, ME in the hospital (once he dropped me off at the hospital on the way to fly out...I was having KNEE surgery...he just dropped me off! I didn't realize he wasn't taking off from work...so I had to find someone to come get me from the hospital two days later.....and I had no one to help me at home afterwards!) I just assumed he'd dropped his trip, to take leave and stay home...due to my surgery. Nope. He didn't even THINK about anyone else...

How does he DO that??? How do you not think about your spouse, and if they need you or not?

Sorry, vent.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I dumped my military career for this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How could i have been so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Well, he flew to DC Friday at noon. Didn't call me Friday night at all. Not even an email. He was in DC from then until 6pm Sat, he didn't call me at all and no emails.
> 
> He flew out at 6:20pm eastern time....Saturday.
> 
> ...



sounds like my ex.
I think I could have easily fallen into that role of " WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH....
do too much....

I was too tired and I found his expectations rather insulting too. 
Spent many months in upset... I talked and talked and talked to my grandmother. She advised me not to marry him because he would only get worse. I'm lucky I had such a wise and caring person in my life as it helped me very much not to make the biggest mistake of my life and ruin my life...
so I walked away and it was hard too because I was so in love and the sex was great. Took me years to pull myself totally away from him as there would be times he would act decent
( a glimmer of hope thrown my way)
On the day we were supposed to marry I couldn't do it.
I eventually walked away, he told me I couldn't find anyone better...

guess what, he was wrong, I found someone much better.
I understand your situation sandy... you gave too much. It's not the way to go... you cannot be in a relationship yourself doing all the work.
It will be the best thing ever for you to get away from him.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

yes, its hard on ones self esteem to be carrying the full load of a relationship yourself. 

I would not do it again.

The thing about my situation is I learned a lot from the situation and was smart enough to walk away before I wasted decades on him.
I learned to select men in a different way, ones who can love and show love....... and are not controlling.

One who contributes to the relationship and cares about my feelings. I sure do pity the poor woman who is now dating my ex... she must need some lessons, as I did at one time.
I just hope he doesn't end up getting run over, shot or stabbed... by her as she might not be as patient or nice as I am.
haha


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