# How long a man can go without sex? and Q about HPV



## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Our marriage is basically sexless but my husband claims he never had sex with other women and never cheated on me although he has done some things to raise suspicion. 

1. Shortly after we got married I found his profile w/pics on a dating site. He explained that the profile was for his friend although everything was in his name including the pics. He had his friend call me up and say so. That year was pretty miserable for me, catching him visit different dating/personal sites and MySpace and looking at porn. He took down everything and closed accounts eventually. He also said that he was doing these for Internet search marketing, practicing his ad writing to see what women would respond to better. 
2. In 2008 he left his MySpace chat open and I discovered a few messages from a girl. She was hurt that he wasn't interested in her and wanted to know if he was after sex/hook-up with her roommates. I had no clue about all this so I confronted him and said it was over for us. Then we were not having sex, so I told him I completely understood his needs and that it was better for us to move on rather than wasting our lives. Again he denied it, said the girl was into him not vice versa and had her call me. I was so mad and had my cell turned off so she left a VM saying that there was nothing between them. His another defense was -Did you see my replies to her? -None. Because I wasn't interested and I did not write her back. So we stayed together... however
3. Right before this incident, my pap test came back positive and I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia caused by HPV. I immediately suspected him cheating on me b/c by that time we'd been together almost 6yrs and I was a virgin when we met. Stupid me... never had pap done before so not sure how long I've had it. He swore he never cheated on me and that he always had steady girlfriends, not random sex partners before and was surprised and genuinely concerned about my health. 
4. Then right before the NY's I found a few random calls on the cell going out to escort service/hookers. He canceled his plan and been using my phone since May. I forget what prompted me to check the numbers but smth happened that night. So I spent the next day googling all the numbers he called and calling the ones that didn't turn up any results. When I confronted him, he swore he didn't call the numbers, must've been some ppl he knew on the street that would occasionally ask to use the phone (he talks to a lot of folks on the street and help them out, so it's believable.) Lo and behold... the hooker number was saved on his old phone as some guy he knew and talked with. He was so upset and said there was no way he was losing his wise over this **** and confronted the guy, got into a fight... that's what he told me. He wanted to change and work on our marriage so that things could be better. That was the new year's resolution until...
5. a new discovery about a week ago. He left one of his email account open and I almost closed it before a subject line caught my eyes. This account is rarely used and is full of spam emails, tons of them. The email was from a girl who posted sex ad on Craigslist to which he responded. She acknowledged it's been a long time for her to respond, but there was no date stamp on his original email. Turns out he responded to these ads about 6-7 times over the course of 2009. Some were never opened and none seemed like it was a follow-up. But again he used his real name, location, and wanted a discreet sex affair with no strings attached and etc. Some were pretty graphic. I was so shattered and hurt by this - printed them out, wrote a long letter to him - I wanted nothing to with him. I wanted a divorce, but again he managed to talk me out of it. I realized how much I love him and I know he loves me too... but my mind cannot comprehend why he would do this to me. His explanation was again... the Internet marketing. He never followed up and hooked up with these girls, they often include links for you to sign up with a credit card - did I see any charges like that? did I see any emails scheduling dates & times etc. It's hard to believe but also can be quite believable, you know... b/c a part of me wants to believe him. He swore he never cheated on me, would never stoop so low as to pay for hookers and etc. 

Let's be honest, it's been almost 3 yrs since we had sex, I said. I understand men's needs from what I read and see in pop culture. They always say men can't go long without sex but why should you be the exception? I asked. Honestly I've never seen him masturbate, ever. He said he doesn't masturbate. When we first started having sex there was a brief period where I wanted to have sex more frequently, but he used to tell me that it's not good to have sex that often esp when we know we will get married. The logic was very odd and it's not for religious or spiritual reason either. Then we started having problems... I would hurt when having sex and was scared of being hurt so started avoiding sex, then was plagued with yeast infection and etc. So eventually we just stopped having sex altogether. But I know his libido is healthy. 

I can't comprehend how he can go this long without any sex? Is he telling the truth? Is it possible? If he didn't cheat on me, is it remotely possible that he's been carrying HPV in his body all these years from his previous girlfriends? I'm so lost I don't know what to think.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Your husband lies all the time , I hope u don't mysteriously end up catching HIV and have him blame it on a toilet seat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

there's this lovely bridge in BKLYN NYC i'd love to sell u...when u'd lke to see it?


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Thank you guys. I know I can be very naive when it comes to relationships and sex 'coz I"m clueless. He was my first everything. My heart's telling me he's lying but I can't comprehend why he doesn't want to divorce me. We don't have kids and there is no joint ownership in anything, so it should be easy to walk out on me, right? Maybe I should move out and leave him alone.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It really depends on what you mean by "sex" if you mean having an orgasm by any means then 1 day without finds me getting jittery. If you mean partner sex I have gone months and sometimes years without it off and on in my life. You miss it but it's bearable as long as you can reach orgasm every day or every couple of days.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

he doesnt want a divorce cause he doesnt want to spend the money, put in the work, u probably cook and clean for him.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I don't understand why _you _would want to continue a marriage where you haven't had sex for three years.

Nevermind him and what he is doing, what about you?


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## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Well I think I finally put an end to this misery. This has been eating me alive from inside. I don't like to tell my relationship problems to anybody including family and friends, so my only outlet was this forum. I felt so alone. Then a couple days ago I opened up a bit to my sister and a friend who are not in this country. I wish I had my family here so I could seek their comfort.

My husband and I had several talks and I told him that I wanted both of us to be happy and if this marriage is not working then there is no point in trying to fix it. He kept assuring me that he wanted this work and things will get better. He even cried... said that I was the best thing happened to him and he wouldn't know what do without me. I tried to be a better wife for him, so I've been trying to change myself for the better... but I couldn't shake my doubts. Then things just seem to fall into my lap. I discovered that he has a secret email he didn't disclose to me and tried one of his passwords I had seen before and it worked.

Today at work I logged into that email and discovered a chat with a woman on Feb 2nd. Seems they've been having sexual relationship for a while as I see her name and phone # saved on his old cell. He hasn't used that cell since May last year. I found several calls to her on phone records in recent months as well. According to the chat he would come see her today. The irony is he called me right before and after this discovery at work and sounded well and was honest with me about other things... it seemed things were getting better for us. But I couldn't help my mouth shut so told him I had smth he should see and that it was over for us.

He was worried and came running to my work right after the last call. I showed him the printout of the chat and he was speechless. There was nothing for us to say. He already knew my position and determination from our last talk Saturday, so all he said was... I'm taking my stuff right now and he went home. I got off work early, got home not soon after that and see he took his clothes and some stuff out. I didn't want to cry and sulk so started cleaning house and made a pile of his small possessions. He came back in and as he was taking stuff out I asked how long has this been going on? I just want to know that. (I've called the woman's number but she turned her cell off, not sure is she found out yet.) He said ... I'm sorry, so sorry about this.. but he would not look into my eyes. Said we'll talk about this later. I was calm and not emotional up to that point, but lost it after he was out. I cried... then decided not to waste tears over this situation.

It all seems like a dream to me now. The best part is I don't feel any resentment towards him and the other woman. I still love him and always thought he was a good guy despite his many flaws. If he wants to, I have not problem staying friends with him. But last Sat when I brought up separating... he said if we do that, I won't be able to see him again. But he may change his mind. One of the reasons for this line of thought is that I know he has no one but me in this city. His family is miles away and he hasn't seen them for a long time. And I don't have any family in this country, so we both realized we've only got each other. If he needs me in the future, I will always be there for him.

I feel like calling up the other woman and asking her about the duration of the sexual relationship. Is it a good or bad idea? Should I just forget about it? Will knowing that do me any good? 

-To answer some of your questions... no I didn't do much for him in terms of cooking and cleaning. We both worked and he helped me out with the chores and picked up cooking when I didn't feel like doing it. But I must say our finances were separate, never had joint ownership in anything. I seem to prefer it that way but now I'm questioning that. Though it makes things easier for a divorce, not sure if it helped us to work as a team. He wasn't contributing much financially either. 

The reason I wanted to stay in this sexless marriage was I see the good guy in him and I always could picture us a happy family if we wanted to. I thought the sex part could be fixed and we even discussed about having sex again after I take care of my cervical dysplasia condition. In retrospect, I see how things could've been different if I didn't deny him sex and turned this into a long dry spell for both us. I'm sure there are other things I would've done differently.. but now it's over. I wish him nothing but best.


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