# How do you test a woman?



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I thought of this today when my sister was waiting for her H to return from the store and mentioned that she was testing to see if he would get her a drink without her asking. Not fair, I know. But do men do this kind of thing too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. LOL Not to laugh, and I'm not a dude..but that sucks of her. Did he read her mind and pass the test?


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

I do not test my wife, she passed already a long time ago when she put up with me from the start. testing a mate constantly tells them you do not trust them.

the closest I get is leaving a brand new roll of toilet paper on the counter for her to put on when she leaves that mf'er two panels of tp on the roll.

btw I typically ask her or assume she wants something to drink or eat when I go and get it for her. we drink the same soda and eat the same food most of the time so it is pretty easy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes some men do it. My son's father did it all the time.. with every thing. I's a passive aggressive thing to do.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I do this all the time with my wife and also my mom. Get them stuff without them having asked for it.

Almost everytime the response is...how did you know I wanted that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

im_tam said:


> I do this all the time with my wife and also my mom. Get them stuff without them having asked for it.
> 
> Almost everytime the response is...how did you know I wanted that.


That's being thoughtful.

You aren't waiting for your wife to read you mind and when she doesn't, you pick a fight or hold a grudge.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Most men do NOT test their women. Unless as Elle pointed out, they are passive aggressive, or just generally jerks.

However, there are men that will behave in a particular manner, or do certain things with the expectation that a woman will respond a particular way without ever conveying the expectation. This is called a covert contract.

If I do A for her she will reward me with B. When the dude's partner doesn't deliver B, he is frustrated or sad ... because she didn't hold up her end of the bargain. Despite the fact she didn't even know there was a bargain.

There is however, also the concept of fitness testing. Lengthy discussion here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Maybe she was showing off to you instead of testing her husband.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes, he passed the test. But was not impressed when we told him so.
_
the closest I get is leaving a brand new roll of toilet paper on the counter for her to put on when she leaves that mf'er two panels of tp on the roll._

My H never replaces the TP roll. I hear ya!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Scantrons and number 2 pencils.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I never heard of these tests that people on TAM talk about. I certainly have never done anything like that. Is this testing the boundaries to see how much of a doormat someone is willing to become?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I believe it to be a form of mind games. I agree that it is passive aggressive and not healthy at all. You essentially are setting your SO up to fail and have reason to be mad without ever letting them know why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> I never heard of these tests that people on TAM talk about. I certainly have never done anything like that. Is this testing the boundaries to see how much of a doormat someone is willing to become?


Basically, yes. I think in the eyes of the tester it's more of "Let's devise some random set of conditions to see if he loves me enough to read my mind". Then when he doesn't read your mind, hold it against him without ever telling him the reason why.

Or something like that.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I thought of this today when my sister was waiting for her H to return from the store and mentioned that she was testing to see if he would get her a drink without her asking. Not fair, I know. But do men do this kind of thing too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not OK to biatch, moan or groan about things you didn't specify.


IMO, she is setting herself up for a life of misery..


And NO... I never "test" my wife... If I want something.. I ask for it... Same for her...


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Basically, yes. I think in the eyes of the tester it's more of "Let's devise some random set of conditions to see if he loves me enough to read my mind". Then when he doesn't read your mind, hold it against him without ever telling him the reason why.
> 
> Or something like that.


That is ridiculous. I don't understand why people refuse to communicate. If you want ice cream, then say you want ice cream. How can you expect someone else to know what you want if you don't open your mouth? 

Of course, sounds exactly like my stbxh's never ending silent treatment.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The test to see if she is selfish goes like this: you open the door she gets you shut the door ,when
You are walking to the other side of the vehicle does she just sit there or is she working 
On opening your door ?? This was from good fellas the movie lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lapdog (Jul 12, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I thought of this today when my sister was waiting for her H to return from the store and mentioned that she was testing to see if he would get her a drink without her asking. Not fair, I know. But do men do this kind of thing too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A perfect example of the trite stupidity that results in the bulk of the troubled marriage/relationship post that are here. There is no way I could envision a successful long term relationship with such a trivial person. That goes for both sexes.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> The test to see if she is selfish goes like this: you open the door she gets you shut the door ,when
> You are walking to the other side of the vehicle does she just sit there or is she working
> On opening your door ?? This was from good fellas the movie lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have heard of this. Totally forgot. But is a test more about manners than mind reading?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

It's good to do occasional testing when dating, to determine selfishness and lack of ethics. During a relationship, you can simply pay attention to their actions and priorities of their own but also relating to things what are important to you.

We can all take care of ourself, but is it really good to be shackled to someone who refuses to take care of you at all and is a detriment?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I think I understand now. Someone please correct me if I am wrong.

For example, this happened to me a lot over the years. My husband would go get a snack and eat it. Thirty minutes later I go into the kitchen and return with a sandwich. My husband would then, in the most hateful voice, tell me "You did not ask me if I wanted one." :scratchhead: First of all, he is an adult. If he is hungry, he knows how to make a sandwich if that is what he wants. Secondly, he never offered me what he brought from the kitchen 30 minutes before and I did not act like a spoiled child. If I had wanted what he had, I would have gone into the kitchen and gotten it. Now that I think about it, what he did in that example is a double whammy. He did to me (first) the same exact thing he got angry with me for doing to him. :wtf:

There were many many incidents when I got things for both of us out of consideration, and times when I would get something specifically and only for him, like when we was mowing the grass in the heat and I got him a drink. He rarely ever reciprocated, but I did not have a cow over it. I knew how to shut off the lawn mover and get my own water, which is what I did if needed.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

In_The_Wind said:


> The test to see if she is selfish goes like this: you open the door she gets you shut the door ,when
> You are walking to the other side of the vehicle does she just sit there or is she working
> On opening your door ?? This was from good fellas the movie lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's from a Bronx Tale (Underrated Movie)

Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.


Just like that?


Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Kobo said:


> It's from a Bronx Tale (Underrated Movie)
> 
> Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
> 
> ...


Chaz Palminteri. Great movie, and true about opening the door. Despite the fact that there is an unlock button on her side, my GF reaches over and opens my door, every single time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I always felt that the "Could you remind me" routine is a test, no matter whether it's your partner or a co-worker. Because of course, if you forget to remind that person of whatever, then it's your fault that something important is either done or not done.

If anyone were to ask me of this favor, you can be sure that I make it clear that whatever it is, it is still ultimately their responsibility whether I remember to remind them or not.

As far as romance exclusively, I have often felt that a guy tests a woman by offering a sh!t date (ie, last minute offer; starting too late in the evening; asking me to come over to their place, etc.) and seeing whether she accepts it. Or pretend that they forgot their wallet when the bill comes. I don't like the feeling that I am being tested / scammed. And no matter how well things get going after that, it's hard for me to forget.

I wonder sometimes whether suggested expectations are a sh!t test as well. For example, I was mentioning to a friend one of the several reasons why I dumped a formerly mutual friend. She had agreed to come to a concert with me, ergo, she had agreed to cover the cost of her ticket. So trusting as I was, I was in no hurry to collect money from her (that won't be happening again.) abut a month later, she told me she didn't have the money and she wouldn't be going. I was left high and dry. 

The mutual friend asked whether I had negotiated with her to pay me back something like GBP10 per month. I had never thought of that since the former friend said quite simply she didn't have the money. And while I might have been open to that offer, it does NOT free her from the responsibility of breaking a commitment that she had made to me.

Was I being sh!t tested? Possibly.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm not sure where tests begin and where observation ends? I guess when someone is supposed to read the other's mind and then they get fussing or sulking when they failed at it.

The example starting this thread is only an issue if she's mad or slighted or passive aggressive that he didn't think about it. In that case she's need to just ask.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

2ntnuf said:


> Deejo,
> 
> Is this an honest statement or is this sarcasm? I've never read anything on it, myself. I didn't even remember that movie. Maybe I didn't see it. Anyway, movies are fantasy generally and loosely based in reality. So, that's part of why I'm asking as well.


The bit about opening the door, is directly a scene from "A Bronx Tale".
Honestly I couldn't care one way or another. I open doors out of habit and courtesy. Do I notice if she doesn't unlock my door? Damn right I do, but it isn't a deal breaker for me. Is it a sh!t test on my part? No. Whether or not she opens a car door is no barometer whatsoever for whether or not she is a good partner. It does however, demonstrate common courtesy.

There is a difference between sh!t testing a partner and simply being manipulative, lazy, or exploiting a person or circumstance. 

I don't test women per se. I have my code of conduct, and I follow it. I have my boundaries, if she crosses them deliberately or continuously, there are consequences. Consequence may simply be a firm discussion. It may be good-bye. It all depends.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I use coupons


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> There's an easy stop to that. Just say, "You'd be better off keeping a schedule of your own because I am notorious for forgetting things." Or, just say, "no", then don't ask for any favors. LOL
> 
> *Never lend unless you are a bank. Expect it is a gift. If you are not willing to part with it, don't lend it. Yeah, it can be read as being a "prick"*.



.....or as someone having trust issues. But lesson learned.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thundarr said:


> I'm not sure where tests begin and where observation ends? I guess when someone is supposed to read the other's mind and then they get fussing or sulking when they failed at it.
> 
> The example starting this thread is only an issue if she's mad or slighted or passive aggressive that he didn't think about it. In that case she's need to just ask.


Point being, if he never even knows about it, he can't call her on it. All the more reason it is important to recognize them when they occur. 

"Why did you do that?" very often is a fitness test. You're partner is looking for an opportunity to demonstrate to you, and her, just how dumb you are. It is also a low-level but very telling indicator of where her respect for you stands, meaning, not very high.

If you choose to answer that question? You've failed. Because now you have just been sucked into a vortex of meaningless rationalization and discussion about a non-event. You will lose. If you think 'communication' will win the day in that kind of exchange, you have a lot to learn.

Do keep in mind another pretty straightforward and universally true axiom; we teach others how to treat us.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Kobo said:


> I use coupons


We're going to get some mileage out of that one. Can't believe how big that thread is.

In the case of that story, that is not a fitness test on her part. It's a judgement of character after the fact. Right or wrong, those kind of impressions can be hard to erase.

Just like when I did legitimately forget my wallet for a date (as I indicated in that thread). I let her know up front. But I also was fully aware that as a result of that event, it was highly unlikely I was going to see this woman again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm not sure if someone already said this but...

I think it is possible to test and be tested, without having to "arrange" the test at all.

So something happens, and your spouse or SO watches how you react to it. You have now been tested, even though the test wasn't set up by your spouse before hand. 

Life tests us, and our spouse is watching. That is how I look at it.

My H watches how I behave, how I conduct myself, how I react to things and people and situations. I do the same.

We have both passed tests with flying colors for the most part in our relationship.

Once in awhile one of us doesn't do so well on a life test. The other will note it and decide if it is a pattern or a one off thing.

Now with regard to our own self-made rules of conduct, in a way, adhereing to these rules is a "test". But it is a test we both put ourselves to, in order to keep us both in our A game. We both certainly pass these tests, that is why they are a fun game.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I can not read her mind, so I think she should tell me using words. I have enough to deal with without the extra games.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

harrybrown said:


> I can not read her mind, so I think she should tell me using words. I have enough to deal with without the extra games.


Which is why if she is being passive aggressive, or p!ssy with you and you have no idea why, you approach it one of two ways.

You utterly and completely ignore it, and move on about your day in a positive and upbeat manner.

or,

You call her on it. "It's obvious something is bothering you. I'm presuming it's got nothing to do with me, because I'm sure you'd tell me were that the case. Let me know if you want to talk."

Confidence, and humor are always the best methods for handling fitness tests regardless of which gender is delivering them. Getting angry or retaliating with more passive aggression just makes the hole deeper.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Point being, if he never even knows about it, he can't call her on it. All the more reason it is important to recognize them when they occur.
> 
> "Why did you do that?" very often is a fitness test. You're partner is looking for an opportunity to demonstrate to you, and her, just how dumb you are. It is also a low-level but very telling indicator of where her respect for you stands, meaning, not very high.
> 
> ...


I get what you're saying Deejo. I just choose to focus on how my wife and others treats me rather than worrying about whatever test I've failed or passed. It's not my job to read her mind.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Which is why if she is being passive aggressive, or p!ssy with you and you have no idea why, you approach it one of two ways.
> 
> You utterly and completely ignore it, and move on about your day in a positive and upbeat manner.
> 
> ...


ah you just said what I was typing and beat me to it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thundarr said:


> I get what you're saying Deejo. I just choose to focus on how my wife and others treats me rather than worrying about whatever test I've failed or passed. It's not my job to read her mind.


Totally get what you are saying. If she's treating you well, it's a pretty good indication that she isn't ticked off because you can't read her mind.


Not the kind of thing I think anyone should lose sleep over, but, simply being aware of them and what they are can go a long way to diffusing that kind of behavior.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

tracyishere said:


> My H never replaces the TP roll. I hear ya!


"Punishment-10 lashings"


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hysterical and classic Sh!t Testing

It's comedy people, just watch it and digest for what it is, odds are you will recognize it from some time in your, or someone you know relationships past.

Check out her other videos too, the Overly Attached Girlfriend is a very funny young woman.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if I ever feel tested in this type of manor then game over I'm out of there.

not someone I want to be around. sick just sick.

say what you want and if at all reasonable I'll hook you up. but I expect reciprocation.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

What? Are you calling me fat?!!!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

on date 3 show up 45 mins late ....if she acts like a crazy bi*ch and says where were you instead of concern that some thing bad might have happened then run!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Hysterical and classic Sh!t Testing
> 
> It's comedy people, just watch it and digest for what it is, odds are you will recognize it from some time in your, or someone you know relationships past.
> 
> Check out her other videos too, the Overly Attached Girlfriend is a very funny young woman.


ha. My first short marriage was the definition of sh!t test and me failing miserably at them. Good thing some of us (me, you, others) learn these hard lessons and change. Guess who's happy about that. Our current significant others. Yea the ones who are now proud of who they're with.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> if I ever feel tested in this type of manor then game over I'm out of there.
> 
> not someone I want to be around. sick just sick.
> 
> say what you want and if at all reasonable I'll hook you up. but I expect reciprocation.


Sh!t tests are a human trait I think and not always intentional. The key is shut them down which by the way is how you pass them with flying colors.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

By definition, a sh!t test is a person doing a sh!tty thing to you on purpose in order to see if you will put up with it. 

A person can have a flat tire and be late to a date. There is no moral wrongdoing there, and a conscientous person calls to let them know you have a flat tire. 

A person can plan a lot of other things that make you late for the date and you also plan on lying about it when you get there - saying what an important, busy person you are having all of these huge responsibilities and drama that prevented you from getting there on time. This is a person who will hold you in contempt for using coupons. 

The difference between observation and testing is intent.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

This is a really weird thread.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Tell him you don't want anything for valentines day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

thatbpguy said:


> This is a really weird thread.


You have no idea ...


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Weird? Why?? It's reality. Allot of people suffer because their spouse cannot communicate his or her desires. My H was a tester. I was always in ****. I'd smile at him, he'd get mad, so I don't smile he'd get mad. There was no way to win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Reminds me of an old joke:

My wife gave me 2 shirts for Christmas.
I wore the green one, she was angry I did not wear the red one.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do not set out to test my wife and I do not THINK she sets out to test me.

Some tests just happen, a regular one for us is sharing the driving on family trips. I drive 2 -3 times the mileage my wife does for work / when we are apart and she knows that I can / will drive long distances / long hours so I tend to get spammed for the majority of the driving on family trips. There are occasions when I would like her to drive and I will suggest that "If I drive there will you drive back" but half the time even if she initially agrees there will be some reason I have to drive both ways.

This is at its worst when we are holidaying aboard, if we have a hire car I always put us both down as drivers on the car but my wife has yet to have the pleasure of driving on the wrong side of the road.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> I do not set out to test my wife and I do not THINK she sets out to test me.
> 
> Some tests just happen, a regular one for us is sharing the driving on family trips. I drive 2 -3 times the mileage my wife does for work / when we are apart and she knows that I can / will drive long distances / long hours so I tend to get spammed for the majority of the driving on family trips. There are occasions when I would like her to drive and I will suggest that "If I drive there will you drive back" but half the time even if she initially agrees there will be some reason I have to drive both ways.
> 
> This is at its worst when we are holidaying aboard, if we have a hire car I always put us both down as drivers on the car but my wife has yet to have the pleasure of driving on the wrong side of the road.


I can relate to this. I drive about four hours a day to and from work. My STBW always says how badly she feels about it, and I completely believe her. She always suggests when we go anywhere that she can and will drive, but I always end up doing the driving. Most of that is my own fault because I usually just get into the drivers seat and drive. Force of habit almost. I am well aware that I could easily just hand her the keys and ask her to drive. I have no doubts she would do it more than willingly and think nothing of it. Just once though I would love it if she would just say "I'll drive" and do it rather than wait until we are home and say "I could have driven."


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> ha. My first short marriage was the definition of sh!t test and me failing miserably at them. Good thing some of us (me, you, others) learn these hard lessons and change. Guess who's happy about that. Our current significant others. Yea the ones who are now proud of who they're with.


It's better to deal with people who aren't trying to slip in ****ty behaviors on you, for testing or not.


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## lapdog (Jul 12, 2013)

To both sexes with such a trivial mentality and immaturity that you think you have to "test" your partner. Please do them a big favor and pass them.........pass them to someone else before you make their life miserable with your insecurities.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lapdog said:


> To both sexes with such a trivial mentality and immaturity that you think you have to "test" your partner. Please do them a big favor and pass them.........pass them to someone else before you make their life miserable with your insecurities.


Some dating pools are heavily tainted, so while you may know the territory, a light level of testing and observation is going to be required to keep you out of a lot of trouble.


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