# I can't afford to be my fiance's wife. Help



## CompletelyIncomplete (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi everyone,

Guess I'm new here.

The name of this thread is probably not what you think.
My problem is, if I get married, I'll no longer have a source of income. I'll elaborate.

My name is Andrea and I'm 24, my fiance is Ryan and he's 27. We met and fell in love when I was 20, he proposed to me when I was 22, (I said yes) and we bought our first home when I was 23 (last year).

I suffer from epileptic seizures and as a result, cannot hold a full time job and am on SSI/medicare. I do have a little minimum wage job as a secretary for a few hours a week, and I have a college education. Ryan is a type 1 Diabetic and also has a college degree, he works full time as a Network Administrator but his job is contract work so no benefits. It pays $9/hr. together, he and I usually live paycheck to paycheck, sharing expenses/utilities/bills, every now and then we have an extra buck or two to visit family out of State or have dinner and a movie.

All was so well - I got my wedding dress, all of the details were coming together.

Right...all well until I discovered that the second Ryan and I send in our marriage license, my SSI will be drastically reduced and I will lose my health benefits. SSI will consider his income along with mine, and my health insurance will have to be through him. We also received about $100 worth of food stamps every month depending on how much money he makes - those, too, will be reduced to $0.

I feel so completely cheated. I feel incomplete. I feel discriminated against and powerless because I have an illness and therefore I cannot get married or it will affect my health. I look at other brides, and cry. My wedding dress that my grandmother bought for me sits in its dustbag and people continually ask when we will actually tie the knot. 

We've been engaged so long that people are beginning to not take our engagement seriously. We would have been married by now but neither of us can afford to be.

What can I possibly do??


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would read this

Questions and Answers about Epilepsy in the Workplace and The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA)


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## CompletelyIncomplete (Jul 26, 2011)

That has nothing to do with marriage?

Thank you for that information, but I am aware of most of it and it only pertains to discrimination in the workplace of employment.

This issue is totally separate from that - I want to get married but I don't want to lose half my income and all of my insurance.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I guess what I am saying is that the laws of the USA do not discriminate against people with epilepsy as you contend they do. In fact, they help people with disabilities to a very large degree.

Ultimately, you need money to support a house and a marriage. Your husband needs health insurance for himself and any future children he chooses to have. You are not going to change the SSI laws of the USA at this point. So, between you and your fiance, you have to figure out how to get more income and health benefits in marriage. Many couples need to make these adjustments when they have a child and one spouse can no longer work.


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## Free (Jul 29, 2011)

So, have a sovereign, government-free marriage. The marriage license is not your marriage. It says absolutely nothing about your relationship, but is only a way for the government to identify you as a legal couple. Keep your benefits, but have a wedding ceremony and consult with an attorney to form a trust, powers of attorney, etc. so that you can get the marriage benefits that you want ala carte. 

There are a lot of sites on the Internet that can help guide you on this, but be sure to seek the advice of an attorney for the legal stuff. Also, if you're concerned about religious or spiritual matters, read an ebook on Amazon titled Marriage Without a License. It's on sale there for less than a dollar and even if you don't have a Kindle, you can read it on your computer. It's very short, but will help shed some light on legal marriage and how, contrary to popular belief, it doesn't have anything to do with religion.

My best to you and your fiance in your new life together.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Basically Hicks told you extremely politely to get a job.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hmmm...could you get a civil union instead?


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## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

For reasons different from yours, I had to wait to be legally married. But essentially the question is:
If a legal union will so drastically impair your life, why don't you guys have a wedding (with bells and whistles) but never file the papers in your town office?
I know many people that did that and they are happily "married". lol

Good luck!

Mike


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## Free (Jul 29, 2011)

BleepingFamily said:


> For reasons different from yours, I had to wait to be legally married. But essentially the question is:
> If a legal union will so drastically impair your life, why don't you guys have a wedding (with bells and whistles) but never file the papers in your town office?
> I know many people that did that and they are happily "married". lol
> 
> ...


Bingo!

There's no law that says a marriage HAS to be legal. Only that the government will not recognize it if it isn't. Which, in your case is precisely what you want.


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## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

Free said:


> So, have a sovereign, government-free marriage. The marriage license is not your marriage. It says absolutely nothing about your relationship, but is only a way for the government to identify you as a legal couple.


As stated above, a license is only a concrete identification of your relationship with your finance. Weigh the options. What are the benefits of being married vs not being married? Apparently, not being married are more beneficial. So y the rush to be married? You are letting what other people think force you into being married only so that you can feel that they respect your engagement in the first place.

They aren't not helping with anything in YOUR household. Why satisfy them by completing a marriage? Take your time. If you are in no financial state to get married now, don't. There's no rush. Definitely if he understand, it's no problem. With how things are between you two, it sound as if you cannot afford a wedding either. Why put yourself through more stress and a tight budget? 

Wait until you two are more financially stable before making a move towards marriage. You two know what you have. Don't let a piece of paper decide that. As for you wanting to married, it's not impossible. Just wait. You can't have everything you want the second you want it.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If you marry without a license who knows you are not married but the guests?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread is from July...


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

This woman wants the rest of us to finance her lifestyle after she is married. However this immoral. if she marries, then it is her and her husband's responsability to provide for her and not the rest of us. She is such the victim, pleading unfairness. I hope she gets married and her new husband provides for her instead of using social programs...now THAT is immoral!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

ThirdTimeACharm said:


> This woman wants the rest of us to finance her lifestyle after she is married. However this immoral. if she marries, then it is her and her husband's responsability to provide for her and not the rest of us. She is such the victim, pleading unfairness. I hope she gets married and her new husband provides for her instead of using social programs...now THAT is immoral!


Tis a world of entitlement programs now. Trying to better yourself is considered selfish these days. How dare you when so many do without! That's how it seems to me anyway. Sorry rant over.


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## AnnEMoose (Jun 18, 2013)

Life is a struggle for everyone. There is such anger towards this woman. Why? It seems people are determined to be angry at anyone receiving "help." SSI is there to help those who need it. I wish more people could be grateful that we live in a country that will support us if we ever need it. How many of those indignant, accusatory people would have the same additive if something were to disable them? Rather than get my panties in a bunch over life being unfair, I'll choose to work hard and be grateful that welfare exists if something should ever happen to me. I will choose to be compassionate towards this girl, rather than ignorantly righteous. I will never be so self-absorbed as to think my life is harder than anyone else's. We'd all be happier to live this way.
I apologize that I have no advice to offer for your engagement situation. When I think about what marriage means to me, the legality and officialdom of it was only important to me before it happened. Now, I think I would have been happy with the vows made to one another, the celebration with those close to us, and the ceremony symbolizing the start of what has been a very good life together. Don't let anything keep you from happiness. Be happy despite anything.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This thread is from 2011. You're giving advice to someone who hasn't been back here for more than a year.


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