# My Wife Is So Frigid a Light Comes On When Her Legs Open...



## Vegasguy (Apr 26, 2013)

Second marriage for both and before we tied the knot, things were hot. Then she hit menopause and bam. What was hot is not. We're in 50s. I've always been HD and with the help of some Androgel and blue pill, as well as a daily gym workout am in good if not great shape and with a healthy and adventurous libido. 

The wife changed and it's frustrating for us both. She's an engineer in a demanding job that has her traveling at least two weeks of every month. Used to be when she came home,we'd have wild monkey sex, and be knocking boots at least once a day until she left. Not now...she's tired from the travels, she wants to sleep in, she's not in the mood. Won't say "no" but no response to touch, caress, or cuddles. Plays possum. Never accepted oral sex for herself...icky, and grudgingly gave it to me, but last time it was 1 minute and jaw cramp.

But, wait there's more...she can't drink while at work. Seems to be making up for it at home. I stopped all alcohol a year ago. She starts just after noon and pretty much drinks until bedtime. We do eat out a lot but she drinks regardless of where we are. 

Has been to doc who prescribed hormone cream. Used the tube and no impact and she didn't continue. 

Have we had The Talk? Yes. She cried and said she didn't realize. Changed for short time but back to unsatisfactory now. I want my sexy wife back.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry dude...if you have read around enough you should know by now that unless you are willing to divorce over this, there is little chance of change?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is she depressed?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Vegasguy said:


> But, wait there's more...she can't drink while at work. Seems to be making up for it at home. I stopped all alcohol a year ago. She starts just after noon and pretty much drinks until bedtime. We do eat out a lot but she drinks regardless of where we are.


Vegasguy, I like your since of humor. A light comes on when her legs open - good stuff. Sounds likes a Rodney Dangerfield joke.

But I digress. The alcohol could be a factor, depending on how blitzed she gets. But it's probably hormones. If the creme doesn't work, maybe she could look at different hormone therapies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, how conveniently men forget that they don't make a little blue pill for us. How would your be without it? A little compassion might be helpful here, esp if it's not been that long since menopause. Maybe it's a phase that will pass? If it's been a few years then you might have to decide what you can live with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Vegasguy said:


> But, wait there's more...she can't drink while at work.


Who exactly CAN drink at work ??



Vegasguy said:


> Seems to be making up for it at home. I stopped all alcohol a year ago. She starts just after noon and pretty much drinks until bedtime. We do eat out a lot but she drinks regardless of where we are.


You say she has this demanding engineering job, but then say when she is getting sauced from noon till bedtime ???


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like its time for some boundaries and ultimatums!


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Vegasguy said:


> Second marriage for both and before we tied the knot, things were hot. Then she hit menopause and bam. What was hot is not. We're in 50s. I've always been HD and with the help of some Androgel and blue pill, as well as a daily gym workout am in good if not great shape and with a healthy and adventurous libido.
> 
> The wife changed and it's frustrating for us both. She's an engineer in a demanding job that has her traveling at least two weeks of every month. Used to be when she came home,we'd have wild monkey sex, and be knocking boots at least once a day until she left. Not now...she's tired from the travels, she wants to sleep in, she's not in the mood. Won't say "no" but no response to touch, caress, or cuddles. Plays possum. Never accepted oral sex for herself...icky, and grudgingly gave it to me, but last time it was 1 minute and jaw cramp.
> 
> ...


perhaps you are no more the sexy hunk she enjoyed last time?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, how conveniently men forget that they don't make a little blue pill for us. How would your be without it? A little compassion might be helpful here, esp if it's not been that long since menopause. Maybe it's a phase that will pass? If it's been a few years then you might have to decide what you can live with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The little blue pills don't increase your desire.. your libido..

It merely allows you to get an erection... so, you can act on your desires...

Sounds like... to me.. she needs a boost in testosterone. That is what controls libido in both men and women..


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## Vegasguy (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks CallaLily. I think I really knew that but we both are conflict avoiders. Barbados...I wasn't clear...she works away from home for two weeks at a time AND in a secure environment. So she can't drink. Sorry,I didn't explain. 

Also, I will say that I can tend to pout when I'm feeling neglected/rejected. It's like if you loved me you'd respond with affection and interest when i rub your back and stroke your hair and not burrow into the bed and put the body pillow between us. Since you don't, then I feel rejected. Of us, I tend to be the more romantic and I look to her for cues as to when she wants to. I will also say that I probably was much more aggressive before we were married. Maybe you do things differently with a partner when you're not in a loving committed relationship? A bit more animal lust? Have I gotten so boring that booze is preferable?

So before she gets home in a week and a half, I going to an Alanon meeting to get some help and understanding there. And when she gets home there'll be real homecumming. Thanks all for helping me put this down in writing. All additional observations gratefully accepted.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Vegasguy said:


> Thanks CallaLily. I think I really knew that but we both are conflict avoiders. Barbados...I wasn't clear...she works away from home for two weeks at a time AND in a secure environment. So she can't drink. Sorry,I didn't explain.
> 
> Also, I will say that I can tend to pout when I'm feeling neglected/rejected. It's like if you loved me you'd respond with affection and interest when i rub your back and stroke your hair and not burrow into the bed and put the body pillow between us. Since you don't, then I feel rejected. Of us, I tend to be the more romantic and I look to her for cues as to when she wants to. I will also say that I probably was much more aggressive before we were married. Maybe you do things differently with a partner when you're not in a loving committed relationship? A bit more animal lust? Have I gotten so boring that booze is preferable?
> 
> So before she gets home in a week and a half, I going to an Alanon meeting to get some help and understanding there. And when she gets home there'll be real homecumming. Thanks all for helping me put this down in writing. All additional observations gratefully accepted.


That is a good start. On a lighter note, did you spell homecoming incorrectly on purpose. Go to an open AA meeting also they will help you.


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## Vegasguy (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks Hambone. I am going to insist she see the doc for two reasons; low libido and a liver check/alcohol talk. Maybe something other than cream which she didn't like.


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## Vegasguy (Apr 26, 2013)

Homecumming is exactly what I meant. And thanks for the AA suggestion too. 

Somewhere in another post the was a comment about "self rejection." and I think that may be part of what's going on. I can fix that. And i do have to address the alcohol use which has gotten progressively greater.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Her hormones might be out of whack. Unfortunately a regular Dr isnt going to help much. Maybe suggest a book called "women code" its written by a holistic health practioner and it deals mainly with hormone disruption and how to get your libido back through diet and exercise. Alcohol is a BIG no no for hormone imbalance.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Honest advice if you get your feeling hurt easily, skip me:

I am sorry but, if my husband made a remark about me the way you titled your post, I would close my legs forever.

Can it be that you are not being nice to her? Maybe start being nicer and she can open up (no pun intended)


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Get me a cold one while ur in there?:rofl:
Sorry gals I couldn't help myself. 
Big M is a big change, and she was likely very into it leading up to that point because that's how it is. She may not ever have the drive she had pre-M, but some doctors visits and LAYING OFF THE BOOZE should bring things back from zero if she's willing to do so.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Menopause can be an extremely difficult time for a woman, and she needs all the support and compassion possible from her partner...

How well I remember those night sweats, aching joints, mood swings, exhaustion etc, etc... Sex was the very last thing on my mind, right then. It took everything I had to get through the day! Fortunately, it didn't last long for me, because HRT patches sorted me out within a matter of weeks and I've never looked back.

You might suggest that your W visit her gynae and has her hormone levels checked. I'd also encourage her to lay off the booze.

In the meanwhile, I'd lose the "frigid" jokes. They're offensive.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Since no one else seems to have asked - what caused the breakup of both of your first marriages?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Menopause can be an extremely difficult time for a woman, and she needs all the support and compassion possible from her partner...
> 
> How well I remember those night sweats, aching joints, mood swings, exhaustion etc, etc... Sex was the very last thing on my mind, right then. It took everything I had to get through the day! Fortunately, it didn't last long for me, because HRT patches sorted me out within a matter of weeks and I've never looked back.
> 
> ...


My wife's menopause took forever....Headaches, rages, mood swings, aggressiveness, sweats...You name it....I remember us walking out of an auto parts place where she had just REAMED a mechanic....Halfway to the car, she looked at me, grinned, and said "I really lost it back there didn't I"

the woodchuck


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## A.non.y.mouse (Jul 26, 2013)

badcompany said:


> Get me a cold one while ur in there?:rofl:
> Sorry gals I couldn't help myself.
> Big M is a big change, and she was likely very into it leading up to that point because that's how it is. She may not ever have the drive she had pre-M, but some doctors visits and LAYING OFF THE BOOZE should bring things back from zero if she's willing to do so.


Well i`m a bit younger (In my mid 20`s) but I like my wine. Actually for two reasons: it makes me way more open during sex and I just like it  For me, I might drink like two or three glasses two or three times a week. Unless your wife is getting really drunk, I don`t think she has an alcohol problem. She obviously performs very well at work and alcohol tends to make women more frisky. Which is a little weird since you refer to her as frigid,

However, if your wife is getting legitimately drunk two weeks out of the month, you need to sit her down and talk to her without making her feel attacked. Tell her that she is a successful, wonderful woman but you wonder why she drinks so much alcohol around you. Maybe she is depressed, and maybe she drinks to escape. It seems like maybe you need to be compassionate towards her and then work on the sex. 

I seriously doubt she uses alcohol to escape from you or your sexual advances. She sounds like a smart, capable woman who would have left if she didn't love you. So if alcohol is not the problem, then maybe you should write her a loving note telling her how much intimacy means to you and how you desire it with her. Menopause can be extremely taxing. I know, I work in the medical field. Perhaps she needs to try a new hormone therapy! Don`t give up! 

Also, if she isn't super into hormone therapy, there are sexual stimulants for women. Many large sex toy distributors sell sexual stimulators that you rub into the clitoris between 5 min and 30 min before sex. Look for ones that contain menthol and l-arginine. If one isn't to her liking, try another! Some of them work rather well!


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Does she like to read?
Plenty of women's 'literature' out there that may get her in the mood.
DW is reading books by Shayla Black at the moment. Trust me, it's lead to some interesting adventures.


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## Vegasguy (Apr 26, 2013)

Sorry for the delay. Been traveling some. So, some answers to questions raised by replies: 

Starfish asked why our first marriages broke up: She had a different job at the time and her then-husband liked the VFW bar more than home and he would bring home assorted down-and-outers and reprobates from time to time. Pretty much when he wasn't working, he was holding down a bar stool. A male friend helped her understand she deserved better. Mine happened over time, a steady acid drip drip drip that became a torrent when the nest emptied. The last kid left, the cat disappeared and when the dog died, she was able to focus the laser death ray on me full time. She is a mean, cheap, unprincipled woman whose innate insecurities are exceeded only by her high opinion of herself--a psychological paradox that really screams out for a good screenplay and I'm thinking Glenn Close for the role. As I noted earlier, she took my favorite BMW in the divorce settlement and traded it in for a Toyota Corolla. What more needs be said? 

As for moderately amusing humor and appliance references to which some ladies have made disapproving cluck clucks, well I'm sorry your sensibilities were offended by a metaphor that aptly describes the situation. 

The wine drinking...well 2 and a half bottles a day is the norm, so we're past the "loosening up" stage and into the having difficulty walking stage. 

And, no I'm not snarky or acerbic when she's home. We actually get along very well and we share and appreciate clever humor and a well-turned phrase. 

So based on the worthwhile suggestions, I have some work to do with AA and Al-Anon to understand what's going on there. I suspect self-medication for depression. She was on Effexor for a while when we first met, but didn't like the side effects and stopped it cold turkey. She's always liked her drink but it seems like it's stepped up and is in control now. Some frank talk is in order again to sort out expectations. Any guys with tippling wives/exs who can offer some advice, it'd be welcome. 99.9 percent of all the posts in the addiction section are wives coping with drinking husbands. And, then off to the doc we'll go--we share the same doc--to talk about hormones and other lady things. She returns home next week so I'm making big plans.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Vegasguy said:


> As for moderately amusing humor and appliance references to which some ladies have made disapproving cluck clucks, well I'm sorry your sensibilities were offended by a metaphor that aptly describes the situation.


Moderately amusing to you, perhaps, but no more amusing to a menopausal / post-menopausal woman than (heaven forbid) similar 'humour' would be to a man who is battling impotency...

Good luck to you and your wife.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You've got several problems to deal with. Menopause is a time when women are supposed to slow down. Oh some women sail through keeping their stressful lives but I bet most don't without a high price being paid. My SIL is like your wife and she kept going despite being 50. She's also drinking heavily to cope. It hasn't dawned in her to cut back on her stressful, demanding life.

Hormones won't work because the unhealthy lifestyle will negate it. It isn't a fountain of youth and unless your wife wants to make the changes necessary I don't see this getting better.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Vegasguy said:


> Second marriage for both and before we tied the knot, things were hot. Then she hit menopause and bam. What was hot is not. We're in 50s. I've always been HD and with the help of some Androgel and blue pill, as well as a daily gym workout am in good if not great shape and with a healthy and adventurous libido.
> 
> The wife changed and it's frustrating for us both. She's an engineer in a demanding job that has her traveling at least two weeks of every month. Used to be when she came home,we'd have wild monkey sex, and be knocking boots at least once a day until she left. Not now...she's tired from the travels, she wants to sleep in, she's not in the mood. Won't say "no" but no response to touch, caress, or cuddles. Plays possum. Never accepted oral sex for herself...icky, and grudgingly gave it to me, but last time it was 1 minute and jaw cramp.
> 
> ...



Menopause is the culprit and going to the Dr. was the right thing to do. Her hormones more than likely are off and need to be balanced with meds.

Some ladies don't experience a low sex drive after menopause and some do.

The big thing is to be there for her through this transition she's going through and tough it out and be strong for her.

Hopefully, its just that, meds work and you guys have a healthy sex drive once again.

Crossing my fingers for you. :smthumbup:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Do you see any signs of an affair?


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## Vegasguy (Apr 26, 2013)

No signs of an affair. None. Zilch. Nada. Nein. Nyet.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Most anti-depressants should NOT be cut out cold turkey. And you two sharing a doctor can be good in some ways about general health and lifestyle but when it comes to menopause, she really needs to see her gynecologist. I presume she gets an annual check up? 

I think the over consumption of alcohol is in response to her depression which in turn is associated with a combination of stressful job and menopause. And having two weeks solid apart sort of prevents having adequate couple time - has she considered looking for something else? Is less income an option should she have to step down the career ladder a notch?

There are books on menopause aimed at men - I suggest you get one to help you understand what her body is going through in addition to AA and the doctor. Again, a GP, while fine for performing PAP tests and physicals is NOT the right doctor for menopause. Start with the GYN and perhaps they will refer you to an HRT doctor.


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