# Biggest Mistake of My Life



## Luci (Jun 19, 2010)

My husband and I were having problems in March. Instead of being level-headed and civil about the matter and trying to talk things out, all we did was argue like children. I ended up leaving for a few days and doing something terrible to him. I slept with one of his friends. I'm not here to make excuses for myself, what I did was totally wrong and I regret it with every breath I take. I felt awful immediately after I did what I did, and went back to my husband. I told him everything, and even though it was hard on him, he has forgiven me and we are trying to work on making our marriage the best it can be. It doesn't end there though. Shortly after I came back to my husband, we found out I was pregnant. With what I had done being so fresh in my mind, I was convinced it was the other man's child and without really even thinking about it, I told him I was pregnant and that I believed the baby was his. Now I'm seeing what a mistake that really was. He won't leave us alone now. He's convinced that he can somehow "win me back" since he believes this is his child. He's gotten very pushy with the whole situation, sending everyone in his family to my house while my husband is at work to try and talk to me to convince me to leave my husband. He's threatened to file for full custody once the child is born. He isn't a very good person, he does drugs and is around people who deal drugs all the time. I know, that speaks volumes on how "wonderful" my taste is, choosing to sleep with him in the first place. I just don't want this child to be exposed to such things if this he/she is indeed his.

I'm just so lost in all of this. I don't know who to turn to. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

I feel bad that your life has taken this unfortunate twist. You are facing the consequences of some very poor decisions, but know that you are not the first or last person to have to deal with serious issues. Is there a chance the baby is your husband's? How has your husband reacted? Does he know about the harrasment while he is at work?

You may want to consider legal assistance to stop the harassment (ask the OM first to stop it - you can even suggest you may seek legal counsel to MAKE it stop.) Also, an attorney will help you navigate the potential paternity issues. 

My best advice is to stay as calm as possible and focus on making the best possible decisions under the circumstances. When possible, take time to think through your choices - in other words, don't do or say anything without giving it some thought and involve your husband whenever possible. Good luck.


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## Luci (Jun 19, 2010)

Thank you for your reply. There is a chance that the baby may be my husband's, and he is really wanting it to end up that way. He's told me that it doesn't matter to him who the bio-father is, that he wants to be a father-figure to the child either way.

And yes, we've both told the OM to stop, numerous times in fact. He just will not give up. I can understand his determination in a way, if he truly believes this is his child, and he wants to be in the child's life. I just don't want the baby exposed to anything involving drugs.

But again, thank you for the advice. It looks like legal matters are in my future no matter where I turn.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Yeah, you have created quite a mess that now involves having a baby.

So what to do now?

For one, stop telling anything to that OM at all. Especially anything off the top of your head. Your impulsiveness has gotten you into enough trouble.

The OM very well could be the father of this child and you have to figure out how to handle that properly with regards to the child's rights. 

If you were married still to your husband he may very well be the legal father despite dna to the contrary.

If this drug dealer OM is the potentially the father you have to consider the possibility that he will be in your and your child's life forever.

Definitely seek legal advice and marriage counseling too.

Have you considered the impact of the unsure paternity on your husband?


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## Luci (Jun 19, 2010)

I haven't had any contact with the OM at all in quite a while. Whenever he or someone from his family would show up at our door, I would just go upstairs and ignore it until they left. He tries texting me and I just delete them.

I know I've put a terrible amount of stress and heart-break on my husband, and I'm so thankful I have someone as forgiving and loving as he is with all of this. He didn't deserve any of this, yet he still stands beside me through it all. He is a good man. I just hate that it took something like this for me to fully see it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

If the Other Man is harassing you or your family, you have the option of filing a restraining order against him. I'd consider that heavily. Once the baby is born, do a DNA test to determine paternity. 

Most important: keep a journal of all his behavior. This will go a long way in your case - should it ever come to court. The fact that you have a stable, drug free (?) home also goes a long way in custody cases. I would not let that concern you at all. Consider this: as the baby's mother, you have AT LEAST an equal (50/50) right of custody - which goes up drastically depending on home situation, police reports, etc.. Some idiot claiming he is going to file custody is simply a scare tactic - _*pay absolutely no attention to it*_. It is hot air. And probably drugs talking.

Even more important still: what are you doing to make your marriage a better one? What SPECIFIC steps are you taking?


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

I sincerely hope that something good comes out of this, and you learn and grow from this experience. If I were in your shoes, here are the steps that I would take:

1) I would feel incredibly grateful to my H for his willingness to father the child born "within our wedlock", regardless of the paternity outcome.
2) I would spend the rest of my time expressing and showing my gratitude toward him by being the most loving wife that I can be. I would never betray his trust.
3) I would take all the steps for self-growth so that I can be the most loving mother that I can be.
4) I would get a restraining order against the OM for harassment.
5) The OM can't force or order a DNA test on you and your H's baby born within the marriage. Once born, the child is legally your and your H's, and the OM can't have a DNA test on the baby without you and your H's consent, without a court order.
6) It's highly unlikely that the OM can obtain a court order of a DNA of a child born within a wedlock of a legal father claiming the paternity. Don't forget that your child will be born within the wedlock, and it's an important distinction in the OM's right to order a DNA test.
7) I would work to strengthen my marriage by taking classes, workshops, etc, on communication skills, parenting, and relationships.
8) I'll strongly support and believe in my H's commitment to father "our" child, and I'll not waver in my conviction to raise our child together. 
9) Consult a lawyer to make #1-#8 happen.

You already recognize that you have made a terrible mistake. The only thing you can do now is to learn and grow from this so you can become a better person, wife and mother.


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## Luci (Jun 19, 2010)

I really am overwhelmed at the positive responses you are all giving me. It's very much appreciated. 

My husband and I want to speak to someone over this, possibly our pastor from our church. I want to strengthen our marriage, as does he. He tells me all the time that he took his vows seriously and he isn't giving up on me. I can't express enough how much he means to me and how much I value his faith in me. I've taken it for granted and I never want to do that again.

I considered a restraining order, I may just have to follow through with it. 

@Tanelornpete- You mentioned keeping a journal of his actions. Would that really fly in court, you think? He and his family could always deny coming around my house. Would I still be able to file something for harassment? I've never had any legal problems, so I don't know what goes and what doesn't. Please forgive my ignorance! 


Again, thank you all for the responses.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Does OM have a police record? A court is highly unlikely to award custody, or even unsupervised visits, to a parent convicted of drug charges or with a police record. But the reality is, trying to keep a secret like this from the child, if dna tests reveal your h is not the bio dad, is a huge mistake. The child has a right to know. Work with a therapist to figure out how to handle things. Even if you do the dna test just for the child's sake, do it. Hiding the truth will blow up in your face, sooner or later. Better to establish a "controlled" relationship between the child and its bio father than having the child find out later you lied to him/her all the years, and then the child searching out this father without the protection of your guidance. It is similar to adoption situations. Children want to know who their bio parents are. Raising your child so it is some big secret makes for a huge mess. Honesty up front is always better. 

This is not about the OM's "rights." It's about the child's rights. And if you condemn the bio dad (if it turns out to be OM), your child may feel tainted by his/her parentage, once the secret comes out. Learning to deal with the mistake you made in a mature and thoughtful way is better than running and hiding--although that does not mean you have to have any direct contact with OM. Consult a therapist and a lawyer and hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Good luck.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Get a restraining order. In my state, whomever is married to the mother when the child is born is the legal father and he can do nothing about it.

Best,

Lyn


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

If you can put up cameras and other monitoring equipment so that if the family denies what is in your log book you have visual/audio evidence that they did.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 
I'm sorry you are in this position and I just wanted to say that I think you are married to a saint and I hope you realize this and treat him with all respect you can from now on.....he should come first in any decision you make now......
Let he OM do what he has to legally, you ignore him and his family, get a restraining order like the others have suggested....
Stay healthy and follow a life of commitment to your husband, your marriage and your child.......
You made a mistake, now move on, and don't ever stray or think the way you did ever again......
I'm proud of you for doing the right thing, by being honest and being accountable for your decisions.....good luck


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## westcoast (Nov 4, 2010)

is it that difficult to calculate who the real father may be?
perhaps you should think hard about whether you want to keep it if it's the OM....he sounds unstable and you'll be tied to him for life!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You don't have to wait until the baby is born to paternity test. The testing is more expensive than the cheek swab thing on babies, but it can be done.


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## marga88 (Jun 17, 2010)

Get a lawyer, the other guy is harassing you and your family. There is a huge chance that the baby is your husband's too. Find a way to protect your family against the OM.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

losinglove said:


> If you can put up cameras and other monitoring equipment so that if the family denies what is in your log book you have visual/audio evidence that they did.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Video him coming to your door... cant dispute that. Save the unresponded to txts from him and send them to an email so you can print them out. 

Also, you said shortly after going back to your husband and you were only gone like 3 days, you found out you were pregnant. Chances are, you had already conceived prior to doing the other guy... sorry to be so blunt. All you have to do is pull out a calendar. You cannot find out you are pregnant a few days or even a week after you conceive... it usually takes up to 2 weeks to get the dark positive line (if not longer). Maybe that will ease your mind until you can get a paternity test done later. Take it from me... I know how to get pregnant... countless early losses that just go as a late period (with faint + HPT... sigh). I could tell you with like 98% certainty if you give me your cycle info and when you had sex with husband and the other guy... I helped all my friends get pregnant when they were having big time trouble. Saved them from expensive tests and treatments.

People are very territorial over their offspring, no matter what their general character may be... so not surprising he is acting like that thinking this is his baby. 

You are very lucky your husband loves you so much.


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