# Husbands spending habits



## Ash9876 (6 mo ago)

I feel like I'm at my wits end with my husband. We have another baby on the way and I was really hoping to have enough money together for a down payment so that we could buy our first home.
We wrote out a plan of how much we were going to put into savings each month to make it work. My husband makes more money than me so he would be contributing more money towards the savings than I can. 
But it's a couple of months later and I just found out that he has spent the majority of the money he was to put into savings. This isn't the first time this has happened, he has spent our savings in the past and when I confront him about it he just blames me and says that I don't pay for anything and starts cursing at me and getting very angry.
We split the bills and food shopping in half and I buy a lot of things that he dosent even notice.
I just don't know what to do at this stage because we make an agreement and then he goes and breaks it. I'm so disappointed and heartbroken because I feel like it's just always false promises at this stage and my trust is fading.
Can anyone give advice on what I should do?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ash9876 said:


> I feel like I'm at my wits end with my husband. We have another baby on the way and I was really hoping to have enough money together for a down payment so that we could buy our first home.
> We wrote out a plan of how much we were going to put into savings each month to make it work. My husband makes more money than me so he would be contributing more money towards the savings than I can.
> But it's a couple of months later and I just found out that he has spent the majority of the money he was to put into savings. This isn't the first time this has happened, he has spent our savings in the past and *when I confront him about it he just blames me and says that I don't pay for anything and starts cursing at me and getting very angry.*
> We split the bills and food shopping in half and I buy a lot of things that he dosent even notice.
> ...


How does a typical argument go? How do you confront him?


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## Ash9876 (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> How does a typical argument go? How do you confront him?


I ask him where did the money go and he says he had to use it for x,y and z. I get mad because it has happened again and he gets angry with me, yells and calls me names and then we just don't talk for ages.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Money causes more problems than sex in a marriage. 

Ask him what his ideal budget would be. Ask him how to pay for the baby & the down payment. Ask if he even wants a house. Seriously make him talk to you. I bet you find out that for some reason he resents you & may not really want more kids or a house. It will be eye opening if he actually verbalizes the motives behind his over spending. 

I would not stay married to a man who yells & calls me names when I'm trying to have a discussion about supporting his children.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

My opinion is that you're going to have to get someone else involved - as a mediator.

Your pastor, a counselor, women's services, the police. Whoever you're comfortable with asking for help and direction. Perhaps dig a little, and try to find someone in your community who specializes in anger and/or money. Ask around.

He's not going to change on his own, and he's not motivated by your prompting.

I'm an angry person, and I come from a family of angry people. It's quite possible that the anger is hardwired and second nature - meaning it's impulsive, and he may not even recognize the reasons behind it. Nevertheless, it's smoke and mirrors. It's a manipulative reaction meant to take the focus off of him. So, anytime he lashes out at you, anytime he's blaming you, he's hiding and trying to protect himself on a much deeper level. 

Same with the money. It's all tied together. The lashing out, the deceitfulness, the spending. Those are all manifestations of an addictive personality. These are ways to control for someone who feels out of control - and has little self-control.

You simply talking to him isn't going to help. He has to want to change, so perhaps, with some help, you can encourage him to do that.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ash9876 said:


> But it's a couple of months later and I just found out that he has spent the majority of the money he was to put into savings.


I'd call that an addiction, and it needs to be taken seriously. 


minimalME said:


> You simply talking to him isn't going to help.


Agreed.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Not excusing his reactions at all, but is he all in with wanting to buy a home? Were you both on board with growing your family at this time? Sometimes people act in passive aggressive ways (if that’s their behavior style) when they really don’t want to do something but aren’t willing to confront it. He could have issues with saving money too all on his own, but just thought I’d ask those questions to get more clarity of your situation.


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## Ash9876 (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Not excusing his reactions at all, but is he all in with wanting to buy a home? Were you both on board with growing your family at this time? Sometimes people act in passive aggressive ways (if that’s their behavior style) when they really don’t want to do something but aren’t willing to confront it. He could have issues with saving money too all on his own, but just thought I’d ask those questions to get more clarity of your situation.


He says he is and wants to own a home but I feel like I'm more serious about it than he is. 
We knew we wanted to have another kid but didn't plan for one right away.
Sometimes he dosent even know where the money is gone, he just says he had to use it on expenses. I just don't think he is capable of saving money and keeping it in a savings account.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ash9876 said:


> He says he is and wants to own a home but I feel like I'm more serious about it than he is.
> We knew we wanted to have another kid but didn't plan for one right away.
> Sometimes he dosent even know where the money is gone, he just says he had to use it on expenses. I just don't think he is capable of saving money and keeping it in a savings account.


There is an app that my husband and I used last year and it really got us on track in terms of allocating every dollar. Sounds a little obsessive and my husband is more like you and I’m more like your husband, so this really helped me see that I had an irresponsible way of dealing with money. Maybe bring it up but fair warning - he will feel micromanaged at first lol but if he really tries it out for a month or so, it may enlighten him to how wasteful he is with money. It’s pretty sobering actually.

The relationship that we have with money shows a lot more about who we are and what matters in life. I guess I like spending more than saving. 😂

Hope it helps and you can turn the corner!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Ash9876 said:


> Sometimes he dosent even know where the money is gone, he just says he had to use it on expenses. I just don't think he is capable of saving money and keeping it in a savings account.


Can you get him on board with something like Dave Ramsey or seeing a financial expert?


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## Ash9876 (6 mo ago)

I could try, he's very stubborn and thinks he's right and I'm the one that's just nagging


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ash9876 said:


> He says he is and wants to own a home but I feel like I'm more serious about it than he is.
> We knew we wanted to have another kid but didn't plan for one right away.
> Sometimes he dosent even know where the money is gone, he just says he had to use it on expenses. I just don't think he is capable of saving money and keeping it in a savings account.


im sure he’s not capable - given his history.

move forward knowing he isn’t going to save. Or
Leave him knowing you will never attain goals you have in mind.

I was married to someone like your H for more than 20 years. It’s a long life when a partner doesn’t keep agreements and resents you when HE breaks the agreement!

Seems like a bigger problem with the way he mistreats you when you point out the obvious issue. That’s seriously not right!
he has serious problems if he treats you that way. I hope you won’t stay, it’s a hell no one should have to live through.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

By comparison, how much do you contribute to savings compared to him? If he is the only one contributing, or doing most of the contributing, he probably feels he's done no wrong by spending his money. As long as he is still adding money to the savings and not wiping it out, I can kinda understand him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> By comparison, how much do you contribute to savings compared to him? If he is the only one contributing, or doing most of the contributing, he probably feels he's done no wrong by spending his money. As long as he is still adding money to the savings and not wiping it out, I can kinda understand him.


if this is the case - he shouldn’t have mislead her by making the agreement knowing he wouldn’t keep his word.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ash9876 said:


> He says he is and wants to own a home but I feel like I'm more serious about it than he is.
> We knew we wanted to have another kid but didn't plan for one right away.
> Sometimes he dosent even know where the money is gone, he just says he had to use it on expenses. I just don't think he is capable of saving money and keeping it in a savings account.


i think this is your responce 
and your husband is not a kid so if he wants a house with you bad enough he is going to invest the money in a way that it returnes more money to get to the house faster , but if he spends it of useless rubbish then no bank will be intrested , 

boys like toys


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