# Scared ****less



## Rckbttm

Ok gang, here we go! First post and i'm telling you writing this SUCKS BIG TIME! Been reading this forum since yesterday for like six hours straight when I found it.

My story:

Married for 10years to a fantastic wife and mother. 2 kids, 10yr old boy and 5yr old girl. Found out last June that my wife was having an affair with a coworker! Short version is that she had checked out of the relationship because she was in her words put through an emotional hell becuase of me! I was too controlling, didnt like her friends, her family, made her feel inadaquit, ugly, not worthy, etc... for years! At that time I took complete responsibilty for the person I was and how I treated her! I could have been better....SO MUCH BETTER of a husband than I was! Things were not always bad but I can say that I did push her to the point where she broke, she tried to tell me many, many times but I was too self absorbed to really here her and WAKE UP! After D-Day it was hell as you all know. Lots of crying but i promissed her to never ever take her for granted again and that THAT person was not me and that I loved her and never ever stopped loving her, just got caught up in life and lost site of what really matters! She said that her affair had not gotten physical(LIE) adn that they agreed to not let it get that far. I called the guy from her phone 15minutes after D-DAY and dropped his little secret on him. He said he was out and would not ruin my family(LIE) and that my wife loves me! I found out about this guy the summer before as she mentioned a coworker wife was dying of cancer and she was helping him get through this tough time, 
innocent then but iwarned her that as sad as it is she needed to be VERY careful where this might go!! I suppose if I had listend to myself and paid more attention to my wife than there would have been no room for him.

So fast forward, after i made a huge change in my reality of being the person she married and wanted in man...and believe me I did! showing and telling her that the kids and her were all that mattered ever thinking that if i can be strong and change I can look past this mess and we would be better for it! well, 4 days ago as i was running an errand for her she miss texted me and hit me with the second bomb shell, telling the OM that she loves him with everything that she is and they will see each other in just two more days. So after nine months of what I thought was a marriage on the mend and a new foundation/beginning between us it has turned into lies..all of it it seems. She gave the "there were times I wanted it to work and times I didnt", "I just dont know" speech. I however thought it was her trying to sort through this...bu thte affair was over...HUGE mistake on my part. We went to couseling but she wasnt really invested looking back now.

Of course that night D-Day#2 I texted the mother Fer and thanked him for ruining my life, she called him crying saying he knows now! blah blah! Rough night to say the least! Next day was very tough lots of crying on both parties, i was emphatic i did not want this to end! She was sorry and said she never really let me back in because she didnt want to be let down again and go back to what I was...blah blah. 

This OM is actually out of state and she only see him when she travels back to headquarters acouple times a quarter so its not a local affair...except for the texts and emails and phone calls! 

I had to actually take her to the airport to fly back there 2 days after the second DDAY(last Monday) UGH! She told me in the car she DOES want to try and she DOES love me and she will end it with this guy! Not sure I by that now. I'm going through every emotion these last few days listed on this site! The phone calls have been few and she still is defending her actions and not admitting guilt as if Im the one who drove her to cheat!! I have told only a close friend so far and am seriously thinking of telling her parents adn friends today! If I told her work she would most likely lose her job and i am concerned for my kids if things go the D road. I think I really still want this to work.. but am thinking of the 180 for sure!!What a mess!!

Thoughts? Questions?...HELP!


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## tacoma

Why did you put her on a plane to the OM?


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## SaltInWound

You should have made her quit her job.


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## Thoreau

You have made almost every wrong move you could possibly make. Please listen to the advice you are aboit to receive here. Lots of experience and life lessons are coming. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana

Thoreau said:


> You have made almost every wrong move you could possibly make. [/i][/size]


I'll say... Dude ,even the title says it all, why are YOU scared sh!tless!


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Rckbttm, I'm sorry that you're here.

First, quit being scared. Things will work out one way or another.

Please realize that there are worse things than divorce.

Winston Churchill, said 'When going through hell - keep going!'

Keep going my friend.


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## Entropy3000

I guess the only worse you could have done would be to apologize to the OM for being a bad husband and thanking him for giving your wife what she desperately needed.

Otherwise as has been stated you have done everything completely wrong.

You should have not taken responsibility for her affair. That was her choice. So by accepting this you showed extreme low value. You should have immediately insisted she quit her job and go NC with this guy. Instead you chose the open marriage hotwifing option. Incredibly low value. You did not fight for your wife. So then you send her off to her OM. How sweet.

I think the least you could have done is fight for your marriage for your children. Where is your head? You have zero self esteem. No one can love a person like that. 

Too bad you did not post BEFORE you put her on that plane. *But indeed now you should tell her to grab the next flight home or it is over.*


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## Chaparral

As long as they are still working/seeing each other, you can forget saving your marriage. Have never seen that work here at all.
Go to amazon.com and download or order the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER..........NOW. its not a sex manual but the best explanation you will get for what happened and what you need to do.

You need full transparency, both ways, on her phone, texts , email, facebook etc.

There are lists of things we can give you if she really wants to fix this.

The most important things are absolutely no contact and you verifying everything. This isn't easy but you can come out better than ever if you BOTH want it.
90% of the time the OM is just in it for sex, find out everything about him you can.
Start by putting his number in spokeo.com.

Good luck


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## the guy

As you can see this is a real addiction for her. You didn;t mention once that she offered to cancel this business trip for this family emergency.

This is not the same women you married, this has been going on for some time so its easy for your WW to tell you one thing and do something completely different.

I don't think you clear see the catalyst for this affair is her job!!!!! Yet the both of you take every step to keep this affair alive by keeping her job.

I also believe you will see how much she wants this to work out once she finds out you exposed this affair. Exposing this affair will now make it more inconvenient and uncomfortable to continue and your old lady ain't going to like that at all.

Your old lady isn't going to like the consequences for her betrayal. 

Bottom line here is no remorse no marriage, Lets face it there is no way in hell she is going to face the choice she made in deceiving you...if she does then she has to admit that she is an adulator, a lier ,and broke some vows she took in front of you and her family and friends.

There is one thing you have to under stand, until the OM is completely out of the picture the marriage will be infected. As long as the OM is around, then the marriage you have is gone.

See this OM and this affair has nothing to do with this already fragile marriage. The only reason it come into play now is cuz your wife made a choice to deceive you and the marriage instead of leaving your @ss years ago.

Being a abusive husband I under stand how this crap effects your judgment....we want to take fault for this affair, but the bottom line here is neither you or me made your wife phuck other guys...it was their choice in how to deal with a unhealthy marriage. Just like it was my choice to slap my old lady around she could left this abusive marriage of ours.....but nooo she stuck around and deceived her self and me and our kids.

Any way back to you, your old lady has zero remorse, so why do you think she is going to stop this affair?


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## SaltInWound

Get angry. It will help motivate you to do all the right things. 

File for divorce. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but it will show her you will NOT share her.


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## Chaparral

The number 1 thing is you are going to have to be courageous. Right now the POSOM has out manned you and is stealing your life. If you think this is about being a nicer guy, you are totally on the wrong track. We always see those guys end up losing there families here.

It doesn't seem logical but the only thing that works is shock and awe.


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## amr1977

Rckbttm said:


> Thoughts? Questions?...HELP!


While it is admirable that you acknowledge your shortcomings in the relationship and that you understand that your actions put distance between yourself and your wife, you need to understand that no amount of addressing these issues mid-affair will help. This is the work you do once the affair is dead and buried and your are functioning within the context of an exclusive marriage once again.

By trying to address "your issues" in response to her affair you basically rewarded her infidelity. She sleeps with another man and you start trying to become husband of the year. Hopefully you can understand what a horrible dynamic that set up and how it actually encouraged the affair to continue.

It is an intuitive response to try to give your partner what they are telling you they need in order to keep them, so don't beat yourself up over it, but just understand that until the affair is extinguished this behavior will only push your spouse further away.

It seems like your wife is in full blame-shifting mode. After all, that strategy worked spectacularly in her favor after Dday#1, so why not give it a second shot?

So, your first order of business is to create consequences for the affair. A lot of people are going to encourage you to expose the affair at the workplace, to friends and family, etc. This might be the right play for you, but it is hard to know. 

Exposing at her workplace has an excellent chance of ending the affair outright given your situation, but it may screw you on alimony if this thing goes to divorce. A lot of this depends on your financial situation, which we don't know about.

I would also suggest speaking to a lawyer and finding out how things are likely to go for you settlement-wise and with regard to custody. As much as you want to preserve your family you need to mentally prepare yourself for the idea that your marriage may not survive this. In fact, many people here who successfully reconciled were only able to do so after pushing to the brink of divorce or beyond.

Look at it this way, you detaching and creating serious consequences for her are the only things which are going to end the affair and force her to acknowledge that she is destroying her family. She may decide to go forward with the affair, leave you for him, etc. You need to accept that you cannot control her actions, only your own from this point forward.

Detach as much as possible from her. Be a father to your children and co-parent with as little emotion toward her as possible. Do the 180. Get hooked up with a competent attorney and be prepared to file and follow through if she won't end the affair. Don't bother with MC if she is unwilling to prove to your satisfaction that the affair is over.

Also, get an STD test right quick.


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## Chaparral

If you out them at work, will he lose his job too? Is he her boss?

What kind of phone does she have?

Under no circumstances do you move out (child abandonment) of your house, she cheated if anyone moves out its her.


Talk to your attorney and get the best.


Check the internet for a divorce packet for your state and print it off. This is to let her know how serious the situation is.

You HAVE to let her know she is destroying her family.


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## MovingAhead

Rckbttm,

I would like to know when you actually forced your wife to go find this other man. Did you make her open up to him sexually too? I am being crass for a point. Her choices were her choices. If she could not put up with you, she could file for divorce!

She chose to have both worlds... The comfort and security you offered, the new devotion you are bringing and the intense love making of the other man.

I hate to say it but you probably doomed your marriage by putting her on that plane. I think that the advice for her to get the next plane her as per a family emergency is spot on. If she is unwilling to do that, you need to file for D. Have her stuff packed for when she gets home and throw her out.

You may have been a bad husband. That may be reason for divorce, but not adultery.

She cannot see this man or contact him ever again. That means ever or you are doomed. If she has to quit her job okay. If she stays in the same job, your marriage is doomed... What does he care about you. He doesn't mind ruining your life. Find out everything about him and expose him. Take it to the HR department at her job, tell his GF/Wife. Go after him and expose this affair. That is the only way you have a chance.

Being nice means you are a doormat and while you might show your wife that you truly want her, you also have to show her that you have to lift the lid when you pee.

Don't put up with her crap. You should probably file for divorce on the grounds of adultery... I bet she is working hard with him while out there now... Scare the crap out of her by not putting up with her crap.

You have to be able to let her go... (She may already be gone) You didn't attract her by wearing a cute skirt, you attracted her by being a man. Be that man! Be strong, don't budge and demand she be your wife and everything it entails or hit the road!


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## Chaparral

It is unlikely she will go to another state to be with him. She cannot take your kids very far even if she gets primary custody.

Check out dadsdivorce.com.

Do you live in a no fault divorce state?
D


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## MattMatt

So your wife was f**king him whilst his wife was DYING? 

Geez, yeah, mate. Your 'wife' is a really wonderful wife and mother and a regular Florence Nightingale with benefits. 
I suddenly feel sick. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree

MattMatt said:


> So your wife was f**king him whilst his wife was DYING?
> 
> Geez, yeah, mate. Your 'wife' is a really wonderful wife and mother and a regular Florence Nightingale with benefits.
> I suddenly feel sick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I might be mistaken here but weren't you having an affair with your now wife when her ex husband was dying too? I must have read something about that in one of your posts.


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## walkonmars

There's no question that she's in love (or believes she is) with the tragic OM. His circumstances of being the grieving "loyal" husband to a dying wife give him attractiveness points right off the bat. 

There's also no question she had no qualms about stringing you along this whole time. Nodding her head in agreement that the affair was all your fault. Raising an eyebrow when you didn't wipe all the dishes to a gleam. 

Of all the gall. 

You can bet all you own that she is meeting with him for a strategy meeting. They will profess their undying love and promise to keep in touch when the ogre (you) is cooled off. 

You need to smack this little fantasy with all the strength of a divorce petition if you want to have any hope of getting this woman back into your life - as you so desperately want. 

But you should seek legal counsel and get those papers served. If she has a mind to stay with you then she will come to you for reconciliation - if, as I suspect, she is passively waiting for you to either accept the affair or cut the cord then she'll count the days until he can transfer to your city and fill in as her loving partner - as soon as his wife passes. 

Don't accept 2nd class husbandhood.


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## Rckbttm

Thank you everyone! Lots of tough love here The reality was I never doubted her the days things were great after DDAY, and when well she was less that say "engaged" with our relationship during these past months I felt she was just figuring things out emotionally between us. I gave her the benefit of the doubt is all im saying...I was a doormatt in retrospect! If I would have seen this site before it would have been way different. She is coming home today actually we have talked some but not super productive obviously but says she misses her family...I did everythng wrong here I know...but how the hell was i suppose to know?! i just found this site last night! At this point I'm thinking just slap her with D and tell her if she wants this to work she will get her SH** together!! the job thing could be a deal breaker but i guess thats the cards im dealt with eh? I can and will let her go...if I have to! finding another woman will not be hard, I just dont want to give up just yet...thats why I'm here educating myself!


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## Rckbttm

BjornFree, not sure where you got that or if I even understand you correctly but no i was not having an affair on my wife.


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## MattMatt

BjornFree said:


> I might be mistaken here but weren't you having an affair with your now wife when her ex husband was dying too? I must have read something about that in one of your posts.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

BjornFree said:


> I might be mistaken here but weren't you having an affair with your now wife when her ex husband was dying too? I must have read something about that in one of your posts.


Yes. But we were not aware he was dying. He was and he encouraged her to take a lover. Someone who could look after he after he died. I promised him I would and have done so to the best of my ability.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

I didn;t give up and either did Mrs. the-guy!

So you have nothing to do with this my friend...it is your wife that either fights for her marriage and gives up job and OM or dumbs her marriage and keeps her Job and OM in her life.

Sorry bu the only part of the equation you have is how you tolerate her choice with regard to saving her marriage or not......there is no in between.

You may not get this now and in a few months once she start trowing this affair in your face you might have to bail for your own sanity.

I hope I'm wrong I hope she drops to her knees and begs for her husband to stay and is willing to sacrifice her job for her family....

On her return her first perception of you is not one of fighting and competing with her OM, but a clear statement that negotiation are not in play...it you and her family of OM and her job....and if she needs to think about it she can go else were to think about it and you will not let her eat her cake ...no cake eating here ....its go time and if she needs time to think she can go some were else to think.


See this tactic not only make s here feel some consequences by not have the family she misses so much but also show her how confident you are in letting her go.


with these tactic ....cuz I guarantee she will pull the "confused" and the "Need time " crap....it time to show her that you will no longer tolerate sharing your wife!!!!

At this point you offer to help her pack her things.

It so easy to give our cheating wives wiggle room cuz we love them so much....but it this wiggle room that got into this trouble in the first place.


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## walkonmars

rockbottom
As I said, she and her OM have talked. Ask her about their chat. If she says they didn't talk you'll know she is still lying. And they talked about their future. They may well have talked wistfully about 'what could have been' - If so, it will be only because his wife is still alive. 

Just wait until his wife passes. The emotions on her side will be all over the place and she will definitely consider whether she can be with him and if he is willing to transfer. It'll all appear innocent enough but it won't be. 

As long as she feels she has you safely at home she will be willing to shop around and see how he's doing - it may take 6 - 9 months but he won't be far from her mind. 

You can cause her to think about you instead by forcing her hand with a strongly worded divorce petition. You can't go on with three people in your marriage. 

There are steps you should take IF she is truly recommitted to your marriage. But I think it's too soon to get those in place. 

Be ready to be sandbagged upon her return. She will tell you all sorts of things, excuses mainly, but the one she used before - your lack of commitment and distance won't wash this time. It'll be something else. If she puts ANY blame on you it'll be a clear signal that he is still in the picture big time.


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## verpin zal

R won't help.

File for D and be done with it.

And oh, don't be the man your stbxw wants. Be the man that your future woman will want and admire.

From what I've read, the wife as you know her is gone, sorry.


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## Will_Kane

Is the other man's wife still dying of cancer?

I wouldn't believe too much your wife says unless it is supported by her ACTIONS or by verfiable proof.

She probably has just finished a few days of sex with the other man. They have worked out a plan. I think you shortly will be getting the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" speech, followed by the "I need space to figure things out" talk. This is all just cheater-speak meaning "I'm not ready to get divorced yet but I want to be able to keep screwing other man without you bugging me about it." Heck, she'll probably ask you to leave the house. HAVE NONE OF IT.

You stay put. If she needs space, she can leave, but you will file for divorce if she doesn't want to end all contact with the other man and work on the marriage.

If you want to try to reconcile, she has to quit the job. This could be a risk with alimony if things don't work out, but you either go all in on this or you go all in for divorce. You won't save your marriage if she still works with the other man, even if she only travels to see him infrequently. ALL travel to see the other man must end. As must all other contact.

It doesn't look too good for your marriage. She has been doing this a long time, even after you caught her. She says she misses her family, not that she misses YOU or that she loves you. She did, however, tell other man how much she loved him in the text message you intercepted. You haven't received one of those in a few years, I bet.

Don't cry, whine, beg, or complain. Don't talk about what scum the other man is or how hurt or betrayed you feel. Your wife already knows and doesn't care.

Tell her that you want to save the marriage, but that you won't tolerate her carrying on the affair any longer. She's got to cease contact and let you verify it. Be confident.


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## SaltInWound

Will_Kane said:


> Is the other man's wife still dying of cancer?
> 
> I wouldn't believe too much your wife says unless it is supported by her ACTIONS or by verfiable proof.


Is there proof that she even has cancer?


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## TDSC60

Out both of them to anybody and everybody.

Divorce her. She is giving you just enough to keep you on the hook. None of it is true. You were played and are still being played.

Get out now with the dignity you have left.


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## Shaggy

So now she has spent the last couple of nights in the OMs bed on her do called business trip.

Are you really willing to take her back knowing that? 

Why did you drive her to the airport or even let her go to visit him. You say it was a work trip, but you know what it really was, especially since she spent Friday and Saturday with him.

You need to call HR and the guys wife and expose the affair. You've been lied to and used all along.

I don't know how you can just have her come home to your marital bed after she's been living in his on this trip.


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## jim123

Rckbttm said:


> Thank you everyone! Lots of tough love here The reality was I never doubted her the days things were great after DDAY, and when well she was less that say "engaged" with our relationship during these past months I felt she was just figuring things out emotionally between us. I gave her the benefit of the doubt is all im saying...I was a doormatt in retrospect! If I would have seen this site before it would have been way different. She is coming home today actually we have talked some but not super productive obviously but says she misses her family...I did everythng wrong here I know...but how the hell was i suppose to know?! i just found this site last night! At this point I'm thinking just slap her with D and tell her if she wants this to work she will get her SH** together!! the job thing could be a deal breaker but i guess thats the cards im dealt with eh? I can and will let her go...if I have to! finding another woman will not be hard, I just dont want to give up just yet...thats why I'm here educating myself!


Do not let her come home. Drop her off at her parents or at a hotel.

You have to stand up for yourself. How do you let her spend a weekend with another man and be ok with yourself.

Yes, report it to her employer. Ask her to leave. At the same time do the 180 and make sure you want to R. Do things from strenght and not weakness,


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## canttrustu

Entropy3000 said:


> I guess the only worse you could have done would be to apologize to the OM for being a bad husband and thanking him for giving your wife what she desperately needed.
> 
> Otherwise as has been stated you have done everything completely wrong.
> 
> You should have not taken responsibility for her affair. That was her choice. So by accepting this you showed extreme low value. You should have immediately insisted she quit her job and go NC with this guy. Instead you chose the open marriage hotwifing option. Incredibly low value. You did not fight for your wife. So then you send her off to her OM. How sweet.
> 
> I think the least you could have done is fight for your marriage for your children. Where is your head? You have zero self esteem. No one can love a person like that.
> 
> Too bad you did not post BEFORE you put her on that plain. *But indeed now you should tell her to grab the next flight home or it is over.*


This. All of this.


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## Rckbttm

walkonmars said:


> There's no question that she's in love (or believes she is) with the tragic OM. His circumstances of being the grieving "loyal" husband to a dying wife give him attractiveness points right off the bat.
> 
> There's also no question she had no qualms about stringing you along this whole time. Nodding her head in agreement that the affair was all your fault. Raising an eyebrow when you didn't wipe all the dishes to a gleam.
> 
> Of all the gall.
> 
> You can bet all you own that she is meeting with him for a strategy meeting. They will profess their undying love and promise to keep in touch when the ogre (you) is cooled off.
> 
> You need to smack this little fantasy with all the strength of a divorce petition if you want to have any hope of getting this woman back into your life - as you so desperately want.
> 
> But you should seek legal counsel and get those papers served. If she has a mind to stay with you then she will come to you for reconciliation - if, as I suspect, she is passively waiting for you to either accept the affair or cut the cord then she'll count the days until he can transfer to your city and fill in as her loving partner - as soon as his wife passes.
> 
> Don't accept 2nd class husbandhood.


The shoe dropped last night, sent the kids to my sisters and told her I want a D. Told her that if she wants this to work and keep this family together she would need to quit her job travelling. She is not willing to do that! She is in love with the OM but also loves me however doesnt see me having the tools to change for the long term. I'm thinking of still exposing to the workplace so that he can share in some of the fun too, just not sure how this might impact if she loses her job. Im contacting an attourney tomorrow. Have to protect my kids now! 
Walkonmars, you hit the nail on the head my friend!


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## BobSimmons

Rckbttm said:


> The shoe dropped last night, sent the kids to my sisters and told her I want a D. Told her that if she wants this to work and keep this family together she would need to quit her job travelling. She is not willing to do that! She is in love with the OM but also loves me however* doesnt see me having the tools to change for the long term*. I'm thinking of still exposing to the workplace so that he can share in some of the fun too, just not sure how this might impact if she loses her job. Im contacting an attourney tomorrow. Have to protect my kids now!
> Walkonmars, you hit the nail on the head my friend!


i.e I don't really think you have the nuts to divorce me, so I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing anyway. Until she gets served she'll continue to cake eat, her tune will change when things get serious. 180 at the double.


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## walkonmars

Sorry Rckbttm
So she challenged you. Doesn't think you have the resolve to dump her. If you're going for D then don't out her to her HR until after the D is finalized. You don't want to get short-term gratification and pay long-term with a greater spousal support. Ask her HR for their fraternization policy for your lawyer to see. 

It's over so ask her to move out. You can't force her out but you can certainly move her out of the marital bed. She can sleep on the couch. Talk to your lawyer and be sure you have all your facts. 

Don't engage in quarrels - you will find yourself with a restraining order and in a hotel room for 90 days. No shouting. 

Don't engage her in any conversation. Let her talk if the talk is about how she is going to make this up (and you want to keep your marriage). Make no commitments except the one to not accept the status quo. 

If she starts blaming you just say "I'm not going to listen to this" and walk away peacefully and shaking your head. 

Don't do anything without legal advice for the next few days. You're going to see a vicious side of her very soon.


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## Chaparral

Call the company hr dept tommorow. Attorney advice isn't worth crap for busting up an affair. There is no money for them in recocilliation.


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## Acabado

Rckbttm said:


> Im contacting an attourney tomorrow. Have to protect my kids now!


Do it, and file quickly! Start implementing, living the 180.


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## Rckbttm

walkonmars said:


> Sorry Rckbttm
> So she challenged you. Doesn't think you have the resolve to dump her. If you're going for D then don't out her to her HR until after the D is finalized. You don't want to get short-term gratification and pay long-term with a greater spousal support. Ask her HR for their fraternization policy for your lawyer to see.
> 
> It's over so ask her to move out. You can't force her out but you can certainly move her out of the marital bed. She can sleep on the couch. Talk to your lawyer and be sure you have all your facts.
> 
> Don't engage in quarrels - you will find yourself with a restraining order and in a hotel room for 90 days. No shouting.
> 
> Don't engage her in any conversation. Let her talk if the talk is about how she is going to make this up (and you want to keep your marriage). Make no commitments except the one to not accept the status quo.
> 
> If she starts blaming you just say "I'm not going to listen to this" and walk away peacefully and shaking your head.
> 
> Don't do anything without legal advice for the next few days. You're going to see a vicious side of her very soon.


Will do!


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## Rckbttm

BobSimmons said:


> i.e I don't really think you have the nuts to divorce me, so I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing anyway. Until she gets served she'll continue to cake eat, her tune will change when things get serious. 180 at the double.


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## Shaggy

One thing is certain, exposing the affair will end it, especially if they both loose their jobs.


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## Rckbttm

Shaggy said:


> One thing is certain, exposing the affair will end it, especially if they both loose their jobs.


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## Rckbttm

Shaggy said:


> One thing is certain, exposing the affair will end it, especially if they both loose their jobs.


That would be bitter sweet if it comes to that. This really is painful though, 45 years old and having to start over is not my idea of good times!


----------



## Rckbttm

I'm so angry and hurt and disgusted but I honestly feel that if she quit the job, dumped OM and gave it a try I would still fight for our marriage!


----------



## Rckbttm

So another note, SHE sems to be doing some 180 of her own! this typical or is this a pretty much were done sign?


----------



## 3putt

Rckbttm said:


> So another note, SHE sems to be doing some 180 of her own! this typical or is this a pretty much were done sign?


Kill that affair with a workplace exposure, and you just might see a different type of 180.

But if you're going to do it, do it right, not half assed. Let us know when you're ready. I don't think a simple phone call will suffice here. You need to do it in a way that there's no chance of any rug sweeping, and I can assure you, a phone call will be swept away in this situation.

Balls to the wall or not at all.


----------



## Love2326

Rckbttm, Let her do her 180. The 180 should be for YOU. I agree that you did everything wrong, but at least you're here now trying to figure out the best path to take. 

Here's what you did: You found out about the A. She blamed it on you (which is BS). You accepted the blame and faulted yourself for her indiscretions (which is BS). YOU took on all the burden to be the best, most loving H anyone could have so she wouldn't cheat again (which is BS). She continued to have the EA (which is BS). She continued to have a great, loving H (which is BS). You took her to the airport so she could go to a location where the OM was at (which is BS). See the pattern??? 
You proved to her that she can behave this way and she'll get rewarded with a loving, attentive, loyal H who will take the blame for her indiscretions!!! NO NO NO!! WRONG!!!

I know you feel that you still might fight for this marriage, but you have to be willing to lose it in order to win it back. It's scary as hell because you don't know if you will actually be able to win it back, but you have to take your chances on this. Chasing after her will only push her away more. 

180 for YOU (not for her). Ignore her 180. File for D and serve her. She can pick: if she MUST travel for her job then she can choose between her job or the marriage. If she can stay put in the same city, then she has to put in a request for that immediately. No traveling without you there, no exceptions. If she has to stay in the house, let her sleep on the couch. She is the one who is choosing to leave this marriage, not you. She can find other accomodations. Check out of the marriage. Get serious on her. 

I would also say to expose her to her workplace. She has to suffer the consequences of an extramarital affair to see how it can destroy her life. She has to pay for it. Don't let her get off scott free with no penalty.


----------



## Rckbttm

3putt said:


> Kill that affair with a workplace exposure, and you just might see a different type of 180.
> 
> But if you're going to do it, do it right, not half assed. Let us know when you're ready. I don't think a simple phone call will suffice here. You need to do it in a way that there's no chance of any rug sweeping, and I can assure you, a phone call will be swept away in this situation.
> 
> Balls to the wall or not at all.


I think your right 3putt, definatly no phone call! lawyer tomorrow and then see what the next step might be. Just told her shes on the coach until she out the door and she just about fell over LOL. How could I do that its her bed too!! Well see if she actually does it! WTF...woman are so messed up, or maybe just mine!


----------



## Love2326

Oh and btw, a strong, confident, "dont-take-bullsh*t" husband is waaaay more attractive than a "roll-over-and-take-it" husband. I wouldn't be very attracted to a man who didn't stand up for himself either.... Do the 180, and then sit back and watch the show!!!


----------



## 3putt

Rckbttm said:


> I think your right 3putt, definatly no phone call! lawyer tomorrow and then see what the next step might be. Just told her shes on the coach until she out the door and she just about fell over LOL. How could I do that its her bed too!! Well see if she actually does it! WTF...woman are so messed up, or maybe just mine!


Are you interested in busting this up, or just going to take your lawyer's advice over ours when it come to this? Lawyers don't want to see affairs broken up and have any chance of reconciliation; we do. They're in it for the paycheck, while we're here to actually help YOU and your marriage recover if you so wish.

What kind of help are you looking for here?


----------



## Rckbttm

Love2326 said:


> Rckbttm, Let her do her 180. The 180 should be for YOU. I agree that you did everything wrong, but at least you're here now trying to figure out the best path to take.
> 
> Here's what you did: You found out about the A. She blamed it on you (which is BS). You accepted the blame and faulted yourself for her indiscretions (which is BS). YOU took on all the burden to be the best, most loving H anyone could have so she wouldn't cheat again (which is BS). She continued to have the EA (which is BS). She continued to have a great, loving H (which is BS). You took her to the airport so she could go to a location where the OM was at (which is BS). See the pattern???
> You proved to her that she can behave this way and she'll get rewarded with a loving, attentive, loyal H who will take the blame for her indiscretions!!! NO NO NO!! WRONG!!!
> 
> I know you feel that you still might fight for this marriage, but you have to be willing to lose it in order to win it back. It's scary as hell because you don't know if you will actually be able to win it back, but you have to take your chances on this. Chasing after her will only push her away more.
> 
> 180 for YOU (not for her). Ignore her 180. File for D and serve her. She can pick: if she MUST travel for her job then she can choose between her job or the marriage. If she can stay put in the same city, then she has to put in a request for that immediately. No traveling without you there, no exceptions. If she has to stay in the house, let her sleep on the couch. She is the one who is choosing to leave this marriage, not you. She can find other accomodations. Check out of the marriage. Get serious on her.
> 
> I would also say to expose her to her workplace. She has to suffer the consequences of an extramarital affair to see how it can destroy her life. She has to pay for it. Don't let her get off scott free with no penalty.


Agree on all of the above! But, if she loses her job I could be paying much more $ if it does end yes?


----------



## jim123

Rckbttm said:


> Agree on all of the above! But, if she loses her job I could be paying much more $ if it does end yes?


OM will throw her under the bus to save his job. She will see the real him. It works.

It will not change you decision but will make it easier in the long run.

Do the 180. Only talk about the kids and the D. Start getting out and take care of yourself.


----------



## Will_Kane

BobSimmons said:


> i.e I don't really think you have the nuts to divorce me, so I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing anyway. Until she gets served she'll continue to cake eat, her tune will change when things get serious. 180 at the double.


Her thinking: _You have been so pathetic, you will never divorce me. The only way you could get another woman is if you paid for it. I'll do what I please. I'll believe you're divorcing me when I see it._


----------



## Will_Kane

Rckbttm said:


> So another note, *SHE sems to be doing some 180 of her own!* this typical or is this a pretty much were done sign?


This is typical manipulative behavior. She is depriving you of her sweet self to punish you for not accepting her affair. She is used to you letting her have her way with everything, she just can't believe her having an affair would be a problem for you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Rckbttm said:


> Agree on all of the above! But, if she loses her job I could be paying much more $ if it does end yes?


You need to talk to an attorney who would know the laws of your state and how the court system works. I believe in some states at least ... if your wife earned X over the last Y years but recently lost her job, alimony would not be based on $0 income. Her earning capacity makes a difference.


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## Acabado

Deleted. Wrong thread


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Rckbttm said:


> I'm so angry and hurt and disgusted but I honestly feel that if she quit the job, dumped OM and gave it a try I would still fight for our marriage!


Those are a lot of "if"s.

How much of it is fear of starting over at 45?

45 is still pretty darn young and yes, you will find it difficult initially but then you will find your stride.


----------



## roostr

Crack the guys head he needs it


----------



## Shaggy

Rckbttm said:


> Agree on all of the above! But, if she loses her job I could be paying much more $ if it does end yes?


You'll be saving the $$$ if she ends her affair and you don't D.

End the affair first then figure the next step out,

Divorces take a while, even if she leaves that job shell be wanting another one to give herself money, remember, she doesn't get alimony until after the D.


----------



## whatslovegottodowithit?

Did you expose to her family & friends? Did you expose to your family and friends? The OM dying wife? ... plan to?? Cheaterville?

Considered filing for D with a reason of adultry? Naming the OM and forcing him to testify? Naming the employer (more of a threat) for knowingly allowing a workplace affair to take place (will get W's and OM's employer's attention assuming they have rules against it)? 

Who earns more $$$ of you two? Who do you foresee being the residential parent?

Are you in a no-fault state?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Rckbttm said:


> The shoe dropped last night, sent the kids to my sisters and told her I want a D. Told her that if she wants this to work and keep this family together she would need to quit her job travelling. She is not willing to do that! She is in love with the OM but also loves me however doesnt see me having the tools to change for the long term. I'm thinking of still exposing to the workplace so that he can share in some of the fun too, just not sure how this might impact if she loses her job. Im contacting an attourney tomorrow. Have to protect my kids now!
> Walkonmars, you hit the nail on the head my friend!


For God's sake, expose and divorce her!

She is the definition of a cake-eater par excellence. If she isn't willing to do that then you're done. It's that simple.

Let her 180. Now show her the consequences of her 180 and her easy escape from the marriage by fvcking Mr. Tragic-who-used-his-o-so-tragic-circumstances-to-shag-another-man's-wife.


----------



## SaltInWound

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> How much of it is fear of starting over at 45?
> 
> 45 is still pretty darn young and yes, you will find it difficult initially but then you will find your stride.


My husband found a legal way to make me homeless, hold all my belongings hostage, and avoid divorce. I am 42 and have been married almost 22 years. I would give anything to find a good man who treats me with respect. So yeah, you might be 45, but remember there are plenty of women out there your age, in your same situation.


----------



## Rckbttm

whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> Did you expose to her family & friends? Did you expose to your family and friends? The OM dying wife? ... plan to?? Cheaterville?
> 
> Considered filing for D with a reason of adultry? Naming the OM and forcing him to testify? Naming the employer (more of a threat) for knowingly allowing a workplace affair to take place (will get W's and OM's employer's attention assuming they have rules against it)?
> 
> Who earns more $$$ of you two? Who do you foresee being the residential parent?
> 
> Are you in a no-fault state?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exposed to family yes, friends no, workplace no. that will happen today. told her mother and although she was very sad her last comment to me was "please! I know your angry but do not do anything to humiliate my daughter!.....WHAT!? I just about fell over! This is supposed to be a devot Catholic woman! i told her to stop feelin sorry for her daughter and recognize what she did was wrong! My parents would be shaking me adn tellin gme to get my **** together and protect my family you selfish SOB!! the OM wife passed away about a year ago so I think thats why his soul is free now to shag my wife. There in love supposedly so whatever. 

She is actually considered a contractor for the company she works for so not sure what the policies are. i do make much more than her however. Talking to an attourney today just to get my ducks in a row. She may or may not get fired, if she did she'd hate my guts but i do need to out the ahole!! i see me being the residential parent due to her travel schedule that last few years. Im in oregon so not sur about no fault ill check onthat. Thanks, great advice All!


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## Rckbttm

SaltInWound said:


> My husband found a legal way to make me homeless, hold all my belongings hostage, and avoid divorce. I am 42 and have been married almost 22 years. I would give anything to find a good man who treats me with respect. So yeah, you might be 45, but remember there are plenty of women out there your age, in your same situation.


So are you still married then? Working on it? I just wonder the success rate of husbands on this site who succeed at saving there marriage after this type of hell??


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## canttrustu

Rckbttm said:


> Exposed to family yes, friends no, workplace no. that will happen today. told her mother and although she was very sad her last comment to me was *"please! I know your angry but do not do anything to humiliate my daughter!.....WHAT!? I just about fell over! This is supposed to be a devot Catholic woman! i told her to stop feelin sorry for her daughter and recognize what she did was wrong! My parents would be shaking me adn tellin gme to get my **** together and protect my family you selfish SOB*!! the OM wife passed away about a year ago so I think thats why his soul is free now to shag my wife. There in love supposedly so whatever.
> And this is the very reason your wife has no moral compass, no pride in herself and her word means nothing. Look what shes learned.....And conversely what your parents reaction would be is the reason you are who you are. NOW with that said, thats not to say "its all mommy's fault" bc she's a grown ass woman and a selfish one at that.
> 
> She is actually considered a contractor for the company she works for so not sure what the policies are. i do make much more than her however. Talking to an attourney today just to get my ducks in a row. She may or may not get fired, if she did she'd hate my guts but i do need to out the ahole!! i see me being the residential parent due to her travel schedule that last few years. Im in oregon so not sur about no fault ill check onthat. Thanks, great advice All!


Do what you must to out her and him to everyone that matters in her life. Its the only way to kill the fantasy. Its your only hope if you have ANY desire to stop the affair and R.


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## canttrustu

Rckbttm said:


> So are you still married then? Working on it? I just wonder the success rate of husbands on this site who succeed at saving there marriage after this type of hell??


I can tell you this- Its ZERO as long as she has ANY contact with OM. Have her served, and out her to everyone- alot of the advice you get here is counterintuitive but it works. Think of it this way, doing what you've thought right all this time has led you to this mess, go against what comes natural(to rugsweep this) and follow the advice here. 

Its your only hope and even that could be a long shot but it beats the hell out of NO shot which is what you've got as long as OM is filling her brain full of dopamine.....


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## JustSomeGuyWho

canttrustu said:


> I can tell you this- *Its ZERO as long as she has ANY contact with OM.*


This!


----------



## Rckbttm

canttrustu said:


> I can tell you this- Its ZERO as long as she has ANY contact with OM. Have her served, and out her to everyone- alot of the advice you get here is counterintuitive but it works. Think of it this way, doing what you've thought right all this time has led you to this mess, go against what comes natural(to rugsweep this) and follow the advice here.
> 
> Its your only hope and even that could be a long shot but it beats the hell out of NO shot which is what you've got as long as OM is filling her brain full of dopamine.....


:smthumbup::smthumbup: 
Told her this morning that I do want our marriage to work if she wants it bad enough too. It will be hard as hell but I would try for the kids and what love we have left to build on, i do love her but the funny thing is since ive been doing the 180 100% I actually feel im 50/50 on the R and D!? I assume this is normal to get yourself in that mindset right? man this stuff is powerful!! With that said, after i told her with no tears matter of factly i would like to still try to make it work i waited 15 min went down got more coffee filled her cup politely and said "just so you know I'm going to be getting things rolling for the D papers". her jaw fell open! "You tell me that after what you said just a bit a go??" "sorry but thats where im at with this and if you want to talk about us let me know. She said she needs to process this and wants to talk to her parents too. Im still fileing today however. Man I wish I found ths site sooner!!! :scratchhead:


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## tom67

You can file and cancel later. You are showing strength by filing. See what happens.


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## sinnister

Rckbttm said:


> :smthumbup::smthumbup:
> Told her this morning that I do want our marriage to work if she wants it bad enough too. It will be hard as hell but I would try for the kids and what love we have left to build on, i do love her but the funny thing is since ive been doing the 180 100% I actually feel im 50/50 on the R and D!? I assume this is normal to get yourself in that mindset right? man this stuff is powerful!! With that said, after i told her with no tears matter of factly i would like to still try to make it work i waited 15 min went down got more coffee filled her cup politely and said "just so you know I'm going to be getting things rolling for the D papers". her jaw fell open! "You tell me that after what you said just a bit a go??" "sorry but thats where im at with this and if you want to talk about us let me know. She said she needs to process this and wants to talk to her parents too. Im still fileing today however. Man I wish I found ths site sooner!!! :scratchhead:


This is good. But you owed her nothing. She didnt need to know. She could have found out when she was served. Either way I think in your situation the chance at R is somewhere around snowballs chance in hell. Sorry.

But you seem to have the right approach now. Focus on you and the kiddies. The wife is yours no more.


----------



## survivorwife

Rckbttm said:


> :smthumbup::smthumbup:
> Told her this morning that I do want our marriage to work if she wants it bad enough too. It will be hard as hell but I would try for the kids and what love we have left to build on, i do love her but the funny thing is since ive been doing the 180 100% I actually feel im 50/50 on the R and D!? I assume this is normal to get yourself in that mindset right? man this stuff is powerful!! With that said, after i told her with no tears matter of factly i would like to still try to make it work *i waited 15 min *went down got more coffee filled her cup politely and said "just so you know I'm going to be getting things rolling for the D papers". her jaw fell open! "You tell me that after what you said just a bit a go??" "sorry but thats where im at with this and if you want to talk about us let me know. She said she needs to process this and wants to talk to her parents too. Im still fileing today however. Man I wish I found ths site sooner!!! :scratchhead:


You did a great job gaining control of the situation! :smthumbup:

She couldn't answer you within the 15 minutes? Has to consult with others to give you an answer? She needs to process "this"? Yes, file. You can always change your mind (or not) later.


----------



## Rckbttm

sinnister said:


> This is good. But you owed her nothing. She didnt need to know. She could have found out when she was served. Either way I think in your situation the chance at R is somewhere around snowballs chance in hell. Sorry.
> 
> But you seem to have the right approach now. Focus on you and the kiddies. The wife is yours no more.


Really?? I mean can people not ever fall this far and have hope of repairing if they work hard enough and want it bad enough? i just hate to think she has no chance to help herslef!?


----------



## PreRaphaelite

SaltInWound said:


> My husband found a legal way to make me homeless, hold all my belongings hostage, and avoid divorce. I am 42 and have been married almost 22 years. I would give anything to find a good man who treats me with respect. So yeah, you might be 45, but remember there are plenty of women out there your age, in your same situation.


That is awful SaltinWound. I sincerely hope you are able to extricate yourself from this. As a man, I cannot understand how women can so despise their husbands as a way of justifying their affairs, but as a man, I also simply cannot understand treating a woman like she's a slave with whom you can do whatever. Of all the women who have had an influence on my life from my mother to my cousins to my female friends to my lovers over the years, and how much they loved and cared for me, I just can't understand this.


----------



## mahike

Sorry you are going through this crap. I am trying to R with my wife it has been tough and I have my moments that I wonder if it was worth it and times that I am glad I am still in the M.

It is really a rocky road. I did two things wrong. I should have exposed sooner and should have filed for the D. 

My wife did not really start to work on the R until I outed the A in a big way. He was a high school teacher and used the schools email for the A. I sent letters and proof to the Principal, The Sup and the board of education, and told her to get out.

I told her that I did not trust her and I would verify everything, well the trust is returning but I am still checking up from time to time.

You need to make sure you are in the Alpha role at all times during R.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Rckbttm said:


> Really?? I mean can people not ever fall this far and have hope of repairing if they work hard enough and want it bad enough? i just hate to think she has no chance to help herslef!?


You want to hope that, but 9 out of 10 times it's a vain hope. WS's don't help themselves until reality knocks them down hard, which usually happens after the divorce is over and they really, really have to face the fact that you are gone completely.


----------



## Hicks

Just keep moving toward divorce.
Every day for the rest of your life, you get to reevaluate.

Only ever take her back if she is falling at your feet wanting it all back. There are few marraiges that come back from adultery but they all have that in common.. A WS who is truely remorseful and would do anything to make the marriage work.


----------



## Rckbttm

mahike said:


> Sorry you are going through this crap. I am trying to R with my wife it has been tough and I have my moments that I wonder if it was worth it and times that I am glad I am still in the M.
> 
> It is really a rocky road. I did two things wrong. I should have exposed sooner and should have filed for the D.
> 
> My wife did not really start to work on the R until I outed the A in a big way. He was a high school teacher and used the schools email for the A. I sent letters and proof to the Principal, The Sup and the board of education, and told her to get out.
> 
> I told her that I did not trust her and I would verify everything, well the trust is returning but I am still checking up from time to time.
> 
> You need to make sure you are in the Alpha role at all times during R.


Thanks MAhike, I needed a little bit of hope here!! I dont want to look back 10 years and wish we would have tried harder to save us! i mean w have 15 years under our belts. Our kids at least deserve us to give a whole 110% for a while I'd think. I mean D can always happen later. god ths sucks!


----------



## Rckbttm

Hicks said:


> Just keep moving toward divorce.
> Every day for the rest of your life, you get to reevaluate.
> 
> Only ever take her back if she is falling at your feet wanting it all back. There are few marraiges that come back from adultery but they all have that in common.. A WS who is truely remorseful and would do anything to make the marriage work.


Thanks Hicks, understood.


----------



## Hicks

In thinking about divorce, filing for divorce, exposure, job losses and all of this... this is what you have to look at.

She will not stop her affair until her life IN the affair is worse than her life OUT of the affair. This is not about love. It's about the simple analysis of which life is better.

She will not reconcile with you so long as she is in the affair.

This is why you must take steps to make her life IN the affair worse than her life OUT of the affair. Divorce filing is one such step. Actual divorce is another such step. Exposure is one such step. Exosure to the point of job loss is another such step. Telling the kids is another... you get the picture... There is no end to the steps you can take. But your goal if you want your marriage back is to do whatever is required to make her affair suck.


----------



## canttrustu

Have YOU forgotten that she told you she is 'in love' with OM????

If you continue this doormat role, thats how you'll be treated as they laugh behind your back. As much as it sucks, here is where the boys are separated from the men.

Tell her she either quits her job and goes NC or you file. NO further discussion.


----------



## TDSC60

Divorce can take up to a year to finalize depending on your location and can be stopped at anytime before the judge signs the final papers. I remember one poster who was literally sitting before the judge with pen in hand when his wife wanted to "talk" the judge let them go across the street for coffee and they worked it out and reconciled.

The point being that filing the papers and having her served does not mean you have stopped trying. It shows her that you are serious and it is up to her to step up to the plate if SHE really wants to save the marriage.

You can explain this to her if you feel the need.


----------



## Chaparral

Rckbttm said:


> Agree on all of the above! But, if she loses her job I could be paying much more $ if it does end yes?


This may depend on the state laws. Many here have said its based on what she was making and should be able to make. For example, yuou can't quit working to get out of alimony or child support etc. Getting fired should not be a case for more alimony.

Your attorney will advise you to lay down and rollover. His needs come before your's, thats just human nature.


----------



## strugglinghusband

canttrustu said:


> Have YOU forgotten that she told you she is 'in love' with OM????
> 
> If you continue this doormat role, thats how you'll be treated as they laugh behind your back. As much as it sucks, here is where the boys are separated from the men.
> 
> Tell her she either quits her job and goes NC or you file. NO further discussion.


:iagree:

"Him or me honey, him or me" Do not waiver for one second, 
STAND YOUR GROUND!


----------



## Chaparral

canttrustu said:


> Have YOU forgotten that she told you she is 'in love' with OM????
> 
> If you continue this doormat role, thats how you'll be treated as they laugh behind your back. As much as it sucks, here is where the boys are separated from the men.
> 
> Tell her she either quits her job and goes NC or you file. NO further discussion.


After exposure, affair love often becomes "what the hell was I thinking love". This all depends on both affair partners. She can't leave the state unless she is willing to leave her kids. Will he leave everything to move where she is or is he just getting a little love whenever she is in town.

You need to get your lawyer to subpoena her and his communications, tects, emails phone records, facebook etc.

If this isn't the first thing your attorney does, he ain't much.


----------



## Chaparral

Go to spokeo.com, put in his phone number and see if you can find out anything about his family, dheck facebook and google too. Out him to his family too.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Rckbttm said:


> Exposed to family yes, friends no, workplace no. that will happen today. told her mother and although she was very sad her last comment to me was "please! I know your angry but do not do anything to humiliate my daughter!.....WHAT!? I just about fell over! This is supposed to be a devot Catholic woman! i told her to stop feelin sorry for her daughter and recognize what she did was wrong! My parents would be shaking me adn tellin gme to get my **** together and protect my family you selfish SOB!! the OM wife passed away about a year ago so I think thats why his soul is free now to shag my wife. There in love supposedly so whatever.


 You shouldn't be surprised, that's her daughter. Oh and stop talking to your in-laws about what you are going to do.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Rckbttm said:


> Exposed to family yes, friends no, workplace no. that will happen today. told her mother and although she was very sad her last comment to me was "please! I know your angry but do not do anything to humiliate my daughter!.....WHAT!? I just about fell over! This is supposed to be a devot Catholic woman! i told her to stop feelin sorry for her daughter and recognize what she did was wrong!


Catholic faith teaches the sinner should be admonished. It seems your MIL has failed that simple task. Her daughter has humiliated herself and caused scandal by having an affair. Humiliation, if anything, is deserved as penance for having partaken in a scandal.

EXPOSE!

Rock bottom, no matter what kind of husband you were, you take no fault in your wife's wayward actions. She chose to cheat herself. If she would have consulted you about what she was going to do, I am sure any reasonable spouse would say 'no way'.

She's addicted to the other man. She does not love you because actions speak louder than words and her actions are not of love but of hate.


----------



## BobSimmons

survivorwife said:


> You did a great job gaining control of the situation! :smthumbup:
> 
> She couldn't answer you within the 15 minutes? Has to consult with others to give you an answer? She needs to process "this"? Yes, file. You can always change your mind (or not) later.


:iagree:

What is there to think about? What does she have to ask anybody about? Should she work on her marriage or follow her heart/lust?
You told her what you were going to do, so this maybe a delaying ploy. Make sure you follow through on your word, maintain your integrity but most importantly show her you are VERY serious about ending it if she doesn't step up.


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## Rckbttm

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Catholic faith teaches the sinner should be admonished. It seems your MIL has failed that simple task. Her daughter has humiliated herself and caused scandal by having an affair. Humiliation, if anything, is deserved as penance for having partaken in a scandal.
> 
> EXPOSE!
> 
> Rock bottom, no matter what kind of husband you were, you take no fault in your wife's wayward actions. She chose to cheat herself. If she would have consulted you about what she was going to do, I am sure any reasonable spouse would say 'no way'.
> 
> She's addicted to the other man. She does not love you because actions speak louder than words and her actions are not of love but of hate.


Please advice on what to send HR!! No phone calls though as this is a small company and can easily be round filed i fear. Thanks All!


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## sinnister

You can't reconcile with a woman "in love" with another man.

It's going to sound crazy but try to have an out of body experience for about an hour. Try to analyze this from a person who's outside looking in. What would he do?


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## hookares

Thoughts? Questions?...HELP!


Start planning your life without her.
Once she got on that plane, YOUR new life began.


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## mahike

I would have to agree my wife getting on the plane would be a deal breaker. If you want to expose to her work then it has to be for the reason of shaking her hard for an attempt at R. Do not do it just for revenge

In my case I did expose to the POS's work. I had proof of use of the schools email system and phone system to sustain the A with my wife. As well as being on school time. That was the last I heard from him

As far as exposing to the that POS wf or gf I would do that in a heart beat. They deserve to know.


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## phillybeffandswiss

When we went through our DDAYs my wife was late to work. She went, but she waited until I calmed down before leaving. That's probably the one plus that helps me deal with her EA. She was willing to get suspended or lose her job to make sure we could get our marriage back on track.

Yes, I know, flight was booked and everything, but even saying I'd postpone, cancel or go later would've been a postive.


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## Rckbttm

phillybeffandswiss said:


> When we went through our DDAYs my wife was late to work. She went, but she waited until I calmed down before leaving. That's probably the one plus that helps me deal with her EA. She was willing to get suspended or lose her job to make sure we could get our marriage back on track.
> 
> Yes, I know, flight was booked and everything, but even saying I'd postpone, cancel or go later would've been a postive.


Well its official! She has thrown in the towel on repairing our marriage. Apparently the feelings she has for this OM are too strong and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore. Really Fn sucks gang as I woudl have given it another try if she wanted it bad enough. We actaully talked about how to seperate stuff, living arrangements, etc. god that was the toughest converstion ever! She aint in love with me so i have to move on!! still pissed though she cheated on me for so friggin long even after i found out the first time. Anyway, i'm going to talk to a lawyer this week. I think I can keep the house if i dont make things ugly. Too late for that anyway i guess. No point in exposing her at work at this point just do more harm than good im thinking. Sure wish she wouldnt strung me along for nine months! God this SUCKS!!!!


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## MattMatt

> Married for 10years to a* fantastic wife and mother.*


She is cheating on you and on the kids, also. So fantastic wife? Really?:scratchhead: Fantastic mother? Ummm... nope!


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## Chaparral

Well you didn't show her you had any fight in you did you. Maybe you should just send congrats to the om.


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## walkonmars

Sorry Rckbttm
It was almost a given. Take good care of your health. What's done is done. Don't dwell on "what could have been". She made her choice and was not honest about it. 

What she really wanted was to keep her love affair with the POS and keep you as a provider and babysitter. The best of both worlds. 

She will find out in a few months (2 years at most) that she made a selfish and horrible mistake. I hope that by that time you will have moved on to be in a peaceful place. 

Go to a doctor after you see your lawyer. Get a full checkup and explain what's happening in your life. He may want to prescribe some AD meds. 

Talk to your friends and get their support. Be sure to let people that are important in both your lives know that SHE's been having an affair for almost a year. When you made her choose - she chose to abandon her family and go the the other man. You don't want her to spread lies about how the failed marriage was mostly due to neglect on your part.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Rckbttm said:


> Well its official! She has thrown in the towel on repairing our marriage. Apparently the feelings she has for this OM are too strong and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore. Really Fn sucks gang as I woudl have given it another try if she wanted it bad enough. We actaully talked about how to seperate stuff, living arrangements, etc. god that was the toughest converstion ever! She aint in love with me so i have to move on!! still pissed though she cheated on me for so friggin long even after i found out the first time. Anyway, i'm going to talk to a lawyer this week. I think I can keep the house if i dont make things ugly. Too late for that anyway i guess. No point in exposing her at work at this point just do more harm than good im thinking. Sure wish she wouldnt strung me along for nine months! God this SUCKS!!!!


Yes, get in front of this crap now. This is why people were worried about the trip. In our minds, she was choosing him over you. 
Sorry, it sucks, but use this place to vent and think with your head not your heart.


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## totamm

Rckbttm said:


> I think I can keep the house if i dont make things ugly. Too late for that anyway i guess. No point in exposing her at work at this point just do more harm than good im thinking.


You have the negotiating edge since she wants out. It hasn't gotten all that ugly yet, you're in good shape in terms of the divorce negotiations which seem to be going well.

Stay the course, keep things civil and all business and you just might be rid of your cheating deceptive wife sooner rather than later. I bet that before the ink is dry on the divorce papers she'll be an even bigger problem for the other man than she was for you.


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## Rckbttm

phillybeffandswiss said:


> When we went through our DDAYs my wife was late to work. She went, but she waited until I calmed down before leaving. That's probably the one plus that helps me deal with her EA. She was willing to get suspended or lose her job to make sure we could get our marriage back on track.
> 
> Yes, I know, flight was booked and everything, but even saying I'd postpone, cancel or go later would've been a postive.


Well its official! She has thrown in the towel on repairing our marriage. Apparently the feelings she has for this OM are too strong and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore. Really Fn sucks gang as I woudl have given it another try if she wanted it bad enough. We actaully talked about how to seperate stuff, living arrangements, etc. god that was the toughest converstion ever! She aint in love with me so i have to move on!! still pissed though she cheated on me for so friggin long even after i found out the first time. Anyway, i'm going to talk to a lawyer this week. I think I can keep the house if i dont make things ugly. Too late for that anyway i guess. No point in exposing her at work at this point just do more harm than good im thinking. Sure wish she wouldnt strung me along for nine months! God this SUCKS!!!!


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## Shaggy

Is the OM on cheaterville.com? If not put him up there and send a link to friends and family. ASAP.

It's high time they all meet her new man.


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## Shaggy

Make sure to name the company in the post and to send a link to his boss and hr.

Come on man, it's time to go nuclear here, not be nice. You tried nice by putting her on a plane to be with him. That failed, it's time to fight by revealing the truth to everyone.


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## Hardtohandle

Rckbttm

Just be prepared for other odd behavior ( or should say heartless and selfish behavior ) such as her starting to take phone calls from this OM in front of you. Giving you the cold shoulder, etc. 

Some people once they have gotten this sh1t off their chest think its all good to just move on with their lives before your ready to move on yourself. Just be prepared for this as it can be sudden and painful as they treat as you never existed or that all those years meant nothing to them. 

Why they do this I have no clue or understanding why. 

I hate to tell you that the pain usually gets worse and your emotions will be all over the place, thus the roller coaster feelings. There is nothing you will be able to do but go with along with the feelings. I have tried to control them to no avail. It will get better over the months. 

I pretty much started in January myself and even now I still get choked up and cry at times, I just go with it. But I can control it as well if strangers are around per say. Just in front of friends and family I have limited control. But in the beginning I would have to walk out of the room and have a co worker deal with whatever was going on. They knew and could see me falling apart and would just excuse me. 

I'm very sorry for what your going through. It gets better, you just need suck it up and ride it through to the good days. 

What I did notice is as it gets better your emotions of sadness become stronger. It as if your rebounding from being happy 2 days. 

Just come here to vent when you need to. Again I'm very sorry as I am in the same boat as you after 19 years.


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## walkonmars

HardtoHandle has some good advice. 
Tell her there is to be no contact with OM in your home or from your marital electronic devices. 

She still needs to contribute to the financial well-being of the kids and while she is living in the marital home she has financial responsibilities. 

In other words, don't let her start building a nest egg for her and her lover while neglecting the family's financial responsibilities.

Execute the 180 - click on the link in my sig line below to access the 180.


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## Will_Kane

Rckbttm said:


> Well its official! She has thrown in the towel on repairing our marriage. Apparently the feelings she has for this OM are too strong and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore. Really Fn sucks gang as I woudl have given it another try if she wanted it bad enough. We actaully talked about how to seperate stuff, living arrangements, etc. god that was the toughest converstion ever! She aint in love with me so i have to move on!! still pissed though she cheated on me for so friggin long even after i found out the first time. Anyway, i'm going to talk to a lawyer this week. I think I can keep the house if i dont make things ugly. Too late for that anyway i guess. *No point in exposing her at work at this point *just do more harm than good im thinking. Sure wish she wouldnt strung me along for nine months! God this SUCKS!!!!


Look at Malcolm's thread. His wife left him to go live with the other man hundreds of miles away and came back to him begging after he exposed it at work and got them suspended.

If you don't want to save your marriage, that's fine, but I don't understand you guys that say you want to save your marriage and then put in half an effort.

If she's so in love with him, why didn't she leave you by now and why didn't she just turn you down flat when you told her your conditions? She didn't string you along for months, she's as messed up in the head as they come, doesn't know what she wants.

I have been following a few threads where guys are waiting to confront while they gather more evidence or they are afraid they will get screwed in the divorce if they don't keep things amicable. I have to admit, I just don't get it.

Your wife is fvcking another guy, do you think that constitutes her trying to keep this "amicable"? How would she feel if you started fvcking another woman, even now? Truth is, she doesn't give a sh1t about keeping this amicable, and when push comes to shove she's going to take you for all she can anyway. You have no guarantee from her that if you keep this "amicable" and don't expose at work, she will take it easy on you on her divorce demands. Why don't you have an agreement from her? Because she would never agree to such a thing! 

The selfish liar has been cheating you on all these months without considering your feelings once, you think she's going to start now?

Blow this guy up at work, along with your wife, and tell your wife you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage. Divorce lawyers specialize in divorce, not in saving marriages.


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## walkonmars

Will_Kane said:


> Look at Malcolm's thread. His wife left him to go live with the other man hundreds of miles away and came back to him begging after he exposed it at work and got them suspended.
> 
> If you don't want to save your marriage, that's fine, but I don't understand you guys that say you want to save your marriage and then put in half an effort.
> 
> If she's so in love with him, why didn't she leave you by now and why didn't she just turn you down flat when you told her your conditions? She didn't string you along for months, she's as messed up in the head as they come, doesn't know what she wants.
> 
> I have been following a few threads where guys are waiting to confront while they gather more evidence or they are afraid they will get screwed in the divorce if they don't keep things amicable. I have to admit, I just don't get it.
> 
> Your wife is fvcking another guy, do you think that constitutes her trying to keep this "amicable"? How would she feel if you started fvcking another woman, even now? Truth is, she doesn't give a sh1t about keeping this amicable, and when push comes to shove she's going to take you for all she can anyway. You have no guarantee from her that if you keep this "amicable" and don't expose at work, she will take it easy on you on her divorce demands. Why don't you have an agreement from her? Because she would never agree to such a thing!
> 
> The selfish liar has been cheating you on all these months without considering your feelings once, you think she's going to start now?
> 
> Blow this guy up at work, along with your wife, and tell your wife you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage. Divorce lawyers specialize in divorce, not in saving marriages.


:iagree:

This stellar advice is worth re-posting.


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## Hardtohandle

Will_Kane said:


> Look at Malcolm's thread. His wife left him to go live with the other man hundreds of miles away and came back to him begging after he exposed it at work and got them suspended.
> 
> If you don't want to save your marriage, that's fine, but I don't understand you guys that say you want to save your marriage and then put in half an effort.
> 
> If she's so in love with him, why didn't she leave you by now and why didn't she just turn you down flat when you told her your conditions? She didn't string you along for months, she's as messed up in the head as they come, doesn't know what she wants.
> 
> I have been following a few threads where guys are waiting to confront while they gather more evidence or they are afraid they will get screwed in the divorce if they don't keep things amicable. I have to admit, I just don't get it.
> 
> Your wife is fvcking another guy, do you think that constitutes her trying to keep this "amicable"? How would she feel if you started fvcking another woman, even now? Truth is, she doesn't give a sh1t about keeping this amicable, and when push comes to shove she's going to take you for all she can anyway. You have no guarantee from her that if you keep this "amicable" and don't expose at work, she will take it easy on you on her divorce demands. Why don't you have an agreement from her? Because she would never agree to such a thing!
> 
> The selfish liar has been cheating you on all these months without considering your feelings once, you think she's going to start now?
> 
> Blow this guy up at work, along with your wife, and tell your wife you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage. Divorce lawyers specialize in divorce, not in saving marriages.


Though I agree with you 100%..

I think there comes a time where you need to know when it is over. I guess that is different for everyone and based on their situations.

For me with 3 attempted affairs and 1 successful over a 19 year period, along with a Fake R and 2 secret cell phones ( only one I found out about, my 13 year old knew about the 2nd phone ), Xmas presents that I caught and she attempted to lie about. 

Finally her telling me she didn't love me anymore and then again at MC. I figured it was over. Even though I asked several times for her to reconsider and getting told no afterwards. 

At that point I figured I would use her guilt against her. I *"cleared the air"* to some that she decided to tell "*we had some problems and were getting separated"*

Basically I said "No, she fvcked someone else and got an apartment with this guy before I even served her with papers" If that is what she meant about having problems, then she is right.

I was smart enough to listen to friends and not push the envelope though when I wanted to. That is why my STBXW is walking away with 45k and 700 a month in support because one child is staying with me. 

I have my full pension and other money that equates to 10k at the end of each retirement year. Which is saved for me if I don't retire. Thus I get a lump sum of the money saved past retirement age. Plus I kept my home which has about 700k in equity. 

I could not win the battle, but I will win the war. I will live a better life with someone younger then her and me. Someone who will be smart enough to STFU and be happy they have a man with a job, a home and a pension. That does something very unique and technical that is a high comity in the private sector. 

My mothers social security check was 350 a month because my father remarried. Fortunately my father and his new wife died months apart from each other. That allowed my mothers SS check to jump from 350 to 1450. 

So learning from that lesson, my vengeance is so great now that I will fvcking remarry so my Ex-wife will be screwed out of collecting my social security.

My youngest son will eventually leave my STBXW because my new home in my new state will be 100x larger then the crappy apartment my ex will be living in.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

chapparal said:


> After exposure, affair love often becomes "what the hell was I thinking love". This all depends on both affair partners. She can't leave the state unless she is willing to leave her kids. Will he leave everything to move where she is or is he just getting a little love whenever she is in town.
> 
> You need to get your lawyer to subpoena her and his communications, tects, emails phone records, facebook etc.
> 
> If this isn't the first thing your attorney does, he ain't much.


Actually, I talked to my attorney about the possibility of my wife leaving the state with my kids during our separation. My wife had threatened to move with the kids to Texas to live with her mother. The lawyer said there isn't anything I can do without a filing for legal separation or divorce and then I could get a court order. Until then I had no recourse. Financially, our separation was better handled without filing because I would have to start paying alimony AND child support. I was paying all the bills and giving her expense money and that was still cheaper than alimony+child support. I live in a non-alimony state with a couple of exceptions ... my wife not having worked for at least 10 years was one of them. 

Worse than that, if I waited to file until AFTER she moved, I would have a difficult time forcing her to move back. I would have to take it up with the state of Texas. It would be an expensive mess with no predictable outcome but a very good chance that I would have to move too to see my kids. Of course, there may be other options for preventing the mother from taking the kids out of state depending on your state.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Rckbttm said:


> Well its official! She has thrown in the towel on repairing our marriage. Apparently the feelings she has for this OM are too strong and she doesnt want to hurt me anymore. Really Fn sucks gang as I woudl have given it another try if she wanted it bad enough. We actaully talked about how to seperate stuff, living arrangements, etc. god that was the toughest converstion ever! She aint in love with me so i have to move on!! still pissed though she cheated on me for so friggin long even after i found out the first time. Anyway, i'm going to talk to a lawyer this week. I think I can keep the house if i dont make things ugly. Too late for that anyway i guess. No point in exposing her at work at this point just do more harm than good im thinking. Sure wish she wouldnt strung me along for nine months! God this SUCKS!!!!


I have a hard time with you deciding not to expose. You just gave up. You wanted to fight for your marriage ... sort of. Look, she is in love with OM. She doesn't live with OM or share responsibilities with OM. Right now, she thinks life with OM is better than life with you. It isn't a surprise. She's in love with him. So what if she "chose" OM ... you can still fight for the marriage. Exposing him to end the affair would be a good start. When that happens, frequently the OM will end the affair. What does she have then? Then she is able to realize what she has done. Expose it. File. It still doesn't give you a great chance but it is the only chance you have.


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## Rckbttm

totamm said:


> You have the negotiating edge since she wants out. It hasn't gotten all that ugly yet, you're in good shape in terms of the divorce negotiations which seem to be going well.
> 
> Stay the course, keep things civil and all business and you just might be rid of your cheating deceptive wife sooner rather than later. I bet that before the ink is dry on the divorce papers she'll be an even bigger problem for the other man than she was for you.


Thanks totamm, i talk to a lawyer this week just to hear my options. She says she does not want this to get ugly and not involve lawyers adn at this point im thinking that may be the better route for me to save$. I know i will need to offer up something fair in the split but ijust dont want things to get bitter for the kids sake at this point. She really doesnt deserve anything as far as I'm concerned!! Any experience on nogotiating tactics would be helpfull here?


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## walkonmars

Talk to a lawyer. 
Don't put any value in what she says. Remember she once said she'd be faithful to you. She said she wasn't cheating. Listen to what she says with a grain of salt. 

Tell the lawyer you are going to mediation and ask what you should look for:
Children issues:
custody, leaving the state, exposure to other men, support 

Domestic issues:
division of property; spousal support; finances: debts, taxes, claiming children for tax purposes; taxes on the home

Don't blindly agree to what she says.


----------



## Shaggy

Rckbttm said:


> Thanks totamm, i talk to a lawyer this week just to hear my options. She says she does not want this to get ugly and not involve lawyers adn at this point im thinking that may be the better route for me to save$. I know i will need to offer up something fair in the split but ijust dont want things to get bitter for the kids sake at this point. She really doesnt deserve anything as far as I'm concerned!! Any experience on nogotiating tactics would be helpfull here?


Darn it! You don't go into it bent generous. Have you not figured out how she reacts when you are nice and generous? She bites you hard.

You had a shot at R after confronting, but you let her get on a plane and spend the week in his bed with him convincing her to leave you.

Stop making this easy on her.

Are you somehow afraid you'll make her mad and she will leave you? She's already gone, do get over that fear and start fighting for the marriage.

Step 1. Destroy the affair, Use exposure to friends, family, work to break them up,

Step 2. No concessions or generosity until she earns it with remorse and action.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

How you do anything is how you do everything.

You not going nuclear and being passive will more than likely carry over into your next relationship.

I destroyed my ex's posom by exposing to his wife, coworkers, and his kid's PTA.

I take pleasure knowing that he probably experienced at least as much hurt as I have.


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## Rckbttm

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> How you do anything is how you do everything.
> 
> You not going nuclear and being passive will more than likely carry over into your next relationship.
> 
> I destroyed my ex's posom by exposing to his wife, coworkers, and his kid's PTA.
> 
> I take pleasure knowing that he probably experienced at least as much hurt as I have.


Thoughts on the best exposure letter for HR?


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## PreRaphaelite

Rckbttm: She had you drive her to the airport to board a plane so that she could go see her lover, fvck him day and night, cry tenderly in his arms about "not making her....errrr, husband suffer anymore as she professed her undying love to him and his tragic circumstances and. . . 

you don't want to expose? Do you really think your wife is being virtuous, generous, and kind with you?

She wants an easy out and she'll say anything to get it. She is acting as she is for her own selfish reasons. I'm not saying you should think about revenge, but not exposing to be "nice" is simply naive.


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## BobSimmons

She did what she did because she knew she could. She knew what kind of man she was dealing with. As much as I want to feel sorry for you, I just can't. 

As a man you didn't put up enough fight not just for you but your kids.


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## 3putt

rckbttm said:


> thoughts on the best exposure letter for hr?





dr bill harley to a sahm (from MB said:


> "i have not read everything in this thread, but i want to make it clear that i am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action. While most companies will cooperate with the betrayed spouse to separate unfaithful employees, some do not. But it's still worth pursuing considering the suffering that affairs cause. And it definitely speeds up the death of an affair.
> 
> As for proof regarding an affair, the more you have, the better. But even if you have no absolute proof, but solid circumstantial evidence, a visit to the head of personnel can alert others to be on watch."
> 
> best wishes,
> willard f. Harley, jr.
> Here
> 
> *workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the director of human resources, a key vp and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!
> 
> Developed by brits brat, board member and corporate attorney--
> 
> to whom it may concern:
> 
> This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your company's code of conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
> 
> Ws and ws are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. Ws and ws are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.
> 
> If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, i will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
> 
> Regards,*


*
_________________________
_________________________*[/quote]


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## Shaggy

What 3putt posted with the addition of:

My wife makes use monthly of company paid trips to hookup with X.


----------



## Shaggy

You want the company to see that they are essentially being used to finance their employes gf coming to visit each month.

The OM hooking up with a contacted crosses a lot of corporate ethics boundaries. Is he in anyway involved in supervising her? Or in evaluating her work? Or in deciding to award her more work/extend her contract?

If so he's in very deep trouble .


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## Rckbttm

Shaggy said:


> You want the company to see that they are essentially being used to finance their employes gf coming to visit each month.
> 
> The OM hooking up with a contacted crosses a lot of corporate ethics boundaries. Is he in anyway involved in supervising her? Or in evaluating her work? Or in deciding to award her more work/extend her contract?
> 
> If so he's in very deep trouble .


Her employment situation with the company is that she is considered a contractor. I do believe however that he is a full time employe as he does work at the main headqusrters, but Iam not positive of that status. She explained to me that there relationship was always after hours and very little contact during work hours when she was travelling back there...except all the "contact" in the hotel she was staying!

Her personnel work cell and laptop ar eusd for work and for the communication between her and the OM. His i believe is a company issue laptop though. He is not a direct supervisor to my knowledge but did have a lot of involvement in some of her new training requirements, and I know of one occation she told me yesterday where he flew into another city she was in while she was on the job. All in all I would have to say he had a very big impact on her advancement and her job duties. he actually had to teach her one on one to learn some new computor software before DDay hit.


----------



## 3putt

Rckbttm said:


> Her employment situation with the company is that she is considered a contractor. I do believe however that he is a full time employe as he does work at the main headqusrters, but Iam not positive of that status. She explained to me that there relationship was always after hours and very little contact during work hours when she was travelling back there...except all the "contact" in the hotel she was staying!
> 
> Her personnel work cell and laptop ar eusd for work and for the communication between her and the OM. His i believe is a company issue laptop though. He is not a direct supervisor to my knowledge but did have a lot of involvement in some of her new training requirements, and I know of one occation she told me yesterday where he flew into another city she was in while she was on the job. All in all I would have to say he had a very big impact on her advancement and her job duties. he actually had to teach her one on one to learn some new computor software before DDay hit.



Send it, and don't tell her you did. Let her find out the harsh way. Never warn the enemy in advance of what your plans are.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Rckbttm said:


> Her employment situation with the company is that she is considered a contractor. I do believe however that he is a full time employe as he does work at the main headqusrters, but Iam not positive of that status. She explained to me that there relationship was always after hours and *very little contact during work hours when she was travelling* back there...*except all the "contact" in the hotel she was staying!*
> *
> Her personnel work cell and laptop ar eusd for work* and for the communication between her and the OM. *His i believe is a company issue laptop though.* He is not a direct supervisor to my knowledge but did have a lot of *involvement in some of her new training requirements,* and I know of one occation she told me yesterday where he* flew into another city she was in while she was on the job.* All in all I would have to say he had a very big *impact on her advancement and her job duties. he actually had to teach her one on one to learn some new computor software before DDay hit.*


I see grounds for sexual harassment, company resources wasted, and company travel. She is a liar, it doesn't matter WHAT she explained.


----------



## 3putt

You should also be sending this package to his company as well in the exact same fashion that you are your WW's. 

The contact info shouldn't be all that difficult to get.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Rock bottom, 

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Being friendly does not necessarily mean that you are a friend.


Go stone cold on her.
Hire a lawyer and serve her at work. If she wants to talk, she can talk to your attorney. It'd be nice if your attorney was a shark and hot too.


In the meanwhile there is plenty for you to read and learn.
Read eric415 thread, bff thread, bandit.45 thread, and more


----------



## hookares

PreRaphaelite said:


> Rckbttm: She had you drive her to the airport to board a plane so that she could go see her lover, fvck him day and night, cry tenderly in his arms about "not making her....errrr, husband suffer anymore as she professed her undying love to him and his tragic circumstances and. . .
> 
> you don't want to expose? Do you really think your wife is being virtuous, generous, and kind with you?
> 
> She wants an easy out and she'll say anything to get it. She is acting as she is for her own selfish reasons. I'm not saying you should think about revenge, but not exposing to be "nice" is simply naive.


Had I known as much about my cheating ex wife's activities as Rockbottom does and had been asked to drive her to the airport, I'd have taken in the other direction for ten miles, pulled over and put her and her sh!t out by the curb and drove on out of her life.


----------



## MrQuatto

A few other key points to remember. She will paint you to everyone as the bad guy who forced her into the arms of another, unless you expose to her work, friends and family 1st. 

Also, be sure to safeguard your finances or she will likely suck your accounts dry and credit card you into bankruptcy.

This board is slopping over with people who didn't consider these and paid heavily for not acting.

She is no longer your friend, partner or lover. She screwed you over once and don't think for a second that she has any of your interests at heart, period!

Until either R or D, she is an enemy of the empire.


----------



## Rckbttm

OMG, I have to post this!

So we are leading down the path of divorce right, things are tense but we are being cooperative becuse of the kids.They have been through waaaay too much already it makes me sick! She decides she doesnt want to be here tonight and sleep on the coach, she takes our 5yr old daughter with her to her sisters and my 10 yr old son wants to stay with me. Sitting there at red robin with my boy and im getting more and more pissed because I have HALF of my family with me and i shouldnt even be in this god damn position!! So I text her, either that or punch the waiter in the chest which wouldnt be right. 

Me: "Sitting here with half my family....awesome thanks!

Her 20 min later when Im at home: "Bill...I'm sorry. Do you want to talk?

Me: "No I want a divorce!"

....she tries to call, i dont answer.

her: "why are you shouting that?"

Me: "I'm not shouting anything!"

her: "Well you said i want a divorce exclamation"

Me: " Oh..sorry..I want a divorce."

her: "Why wont you talk to me?"

Me: "Because I'm done talking"

Her: "Did something happen?"

Me: "yeah my wife of 10 years is F***ing another guy while her husband sits home and watches the kids...have you not been paying attention??"

I mean REALLY?? Did that just go down?? I am kicking this broad to the curb becasue i dont even know who that was!! Is it possible this guys sperm erased part of her memory? WOW!!


----------



## walkonmars

She's not aware of the sh!tstorm she's causing because she's got the land of rainbows and butterflies on her mind.

Good move at making her sleep on the couch. Did you expose the affair to her sister?


----------



## the guy

YA there is.

There chemicals in there that create a thing that when women get it that some biologically sh1t happens to them.:lol:


----------



## the guy

Also thats why when they are screwing around on you and you don't know it and you keep dumbing your sperm in her she gets "confused".

Thats why I think sex is the glue...but what do I know, I'm just the -guy.LOL


----------



## Shaggy

You want to do something, the number one thing she fears right now is the OM suffering because of her cheating, so you want to do something that will get her attention.

Get the piece of crap OM fired.

Bet, does she realize that she can't take the kids to the new town if she plans on being with the OM? You have it your power to deny her doing that. She can move,but she not be able to move the children.

So you'll be getting full custody if she moves. She'll also owe you child support.

Get that OM fired.


----------



## Rckbttm

walkonmars said:


> She's not aware of the sh!tstorm she's causing because she's got the land of rainbows and butterflies on her mind.
> 
> Good move at making her sleep on the couch. Did you expose the affair to her sister?


Yep, she is aware! Whole family is now but there most likely in protect my little girl mode, poor thing in a terrible marriage frame of mind. What i am expecting though, is she will come back tomorrow and have this awakening that she all of sudden wants to work it out and talk it through. the more times go on the less I'm feeling I want to do anyting but divorce after all the damage thats been done.


----------



## Rckbttm

Shaggy said:


> You want to do something, the number one thing she fears right now is the OM suffering because of her cheating, so you want to do something that will get her attention.
> 
> Get the piece of crap OM fired.
> 
> Bet, does she realize that she can't take the kids to the new town if she plans on being with the OM? You have it your power to deny her doing that. She can move,but she not be able to move the children.
> 
> So you'll be getting full custody if she moves. She'll also owe you child support.
> 
> Get that OM fired.


I think I really like this plan!:smthumbup:


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Shaggy said:


> You want to do something, the number one thing she fears right now is the OM suffering because of her cheating, so you want to do something that will get her attention.
> 
> Get the piece of crap OM fired.
> 
> Bet, does she realize that she can't take the kids to the new town if she plans on being with the OM? You have it your power to deny her doing that. She can move,but she not be able to move the children.
> 
> So you'll be getting full custody if she moves. She'll also owe you child support.
> 
> Get that OM fired.


Not necessarily true unless he gets a court order to stop her from moving and taking the kids.


----------



## Shaggy

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Not necessarily true unless he gets a court order to stop her from moving and taking the kids.


The convo will go like this with the judge.

He wants to keep the kids in their current home and current routine.

She wants to take them with her to move in with the newly unemployed OM far away from their lives.

If he doesn't win that one, his lawyer is beyond pathetic. This one is a no brsiner to D judges, they love to maintain normal for kids.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Shaggy said:


> The convo will go like this with the judge.
> 
> He wants to keep the kids in their current home and current routine.
> 
> She wants to take them with her to move in with the newly unemployed OM far away from their lives.
> 
> If he doesn't win that one, his lawyer is beyond pathetic. This one is a no brsiner to D judges, they love to maintain normal for kids.


No question ... my point is only that he has to have that conversation with the judge. If he does, a court order is as good as done. If she leaves with the kids tomorrow, he's screwed.


----------



## lordmayhem

Shaggy said:


> Get that OM fired.


:iagree:

Grayson did that and it was awesome.

:allhail:


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Rckbttm said:


> OMG, I have to post this!
> 
> So we are leading down the path of divorce right, things are tense but we are being cooperative becuse of the kids.They have been through waaaay too much already it makes me sick! She decides she doesnt want to be here tonight and sleep on the coach, she takes our 5yr old daughter with her to her sisters and my 10 yr old son wants to stay with me. Sitting there at red robin with my boy and im getting more and more pissed because I have HALF of my family with me and i shouldnt even be in this god damn position!! So I text her, either that or punch the waiter in the chest which wouldnt be right.
> 
> Me: "Sitting here with half my family....awesome thanks!
> 
> Her 20 min later when Im at home: "Bill...I'm sorry. Do you want to talk?
> 
> Me: "No I want a divorce!"
> 
> ....she tries to call, i dont answer.
> 
> her: "why are you shouting that?"
> 
> Me: "I'm not shouting anything!"
> 
> her: "Well you said i want a divorce exclamation"
> 
> Me: " Oh..sorry..I want a divorce."
> 
> her: "Why wont you talk to me?"
> 
> Me: "Because I'm done talking"
> 
> Her: "Did something happen?"
> 
> Me: "yeah my wife of 10 years is F***ing another guy while her husband sits home and watches the kids...have you not been paying attention??"
> 
> I mean REALLY?? Did that just go down?? I am kicking this broad to the curb becasue i dont even know who that was!! Is it possible this guys sperm erased part of her memory? WOW!!


Are you surprised? She had you drive her to the airport so she could board a plane to see this OM. Talk about no respect, she treated you worse than a doormat. 

Now that you've taken this step, get your ducks in order. That means protecting your finances, seeing a lawyer if you haven't already, and finding out how you can keep custody of your kids.


----------



## BobSimmons

Dude for now forget about OM. It's going to take all your strength not to get derailed when your wife starts her operation to reestablish control of the situation and stop the divorce.

You're in control, it scares her

You're not taking anymore cr*p, suddenly the cold light of day is shining on her little fantasy world.

One thing at a time. Deal with your wife, when that is over then you can go nuclear on OM


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

BobSimmons said:


> Dude for now forget about OM.
> 
> One thing at a time. Deal with your wife, when that is over then you can go nuclear on OM


:scratchhead: These things are not mutually exclusive.

Until he nukes the OM, he won't be able to deal effectrively with his wife.

Can't people walk and chew gum anymore without the help of a smartphone?


----------



## Rckbttm

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :scratchhead: These things are not mutually exclusive.
> 
> Until he nukes the OM, he won't be able to deal effectrively with his wife.
> 
> Can't people walk and chew gum anymore without the help of a smartphone?


Yeah, I'm thining exactly that right now. I have not exposed him at wok just yet because of what impact it could have on me if she loses her job!? i know the majority are saying "Expose Expose".. but if this things goes ugly and she has no job wont i have to pay alimony?? I will be talking to an attourney to see what the fallout might be. Anyone have feedback on this??


----------



## NatureDave

Yes, here is my advice.

If you are 100% done, then leave the lovebirds alone and don't expose at work. Two benefits here...just as you said, you want your wife employed through the divorce process so that you won't have to pay alimony and a lot less child support.

Secondly, a wayward wife "in luuvvv" with the OM will usually want a quick and easy divorce so they can get on to their new life with Mr. Wonderful. You can use this to your advantage to gain concessions in the settlement proceedings. In that case you want the two of them hot and heavy.

Now, if you are still trying to save your marriage, then you need to blow this affair out of the water. That means exposing the OM at work and the possibility that one or both of them lose their jobs. This would actually be a desired outcome as they cannot work together anymore if your marriage is to have any chance.


----------



## survivorwife

Rckbttm said:


> Yeah, I'm thining exactly that right now. I have not exposed him at wok just yet because of what impact it could have on me if she loses her job!? i know the majority are saying "Expose Expose".. but if this things goes ugly and she has no job wont i have to pay alimony?? I will be talking to an attourney to see what the fallout might be. Anyone have feedback on this??


Do you think she would be unemployed for long? Or does she have the job skills and connection to seek employment elsewhere rather quickly? Since there is a period of time between filing for D, and "if" she wants alimony, and the court schedules a hearing, do you think she might find a job by then?

Depending on her job skills, her ability to seek employment and her incentive to find a job quickly and become self-supporting, any Alimony is to be considered at a future date and not in the immediate future. Could be several months before the court can schedule a hearing to discuss the matter, and in the meantime she could find a job elsewhere, right?


----------



## survivorwife

NatureDave said:


> Yes, here is my advice.
> 
> If you are 100% done, then leave the lovebirds alone and don't expose at work. Two benefits here...just as you said, you want your wife employed through the divorce process so that you won't have to pay alimony and a lot less child support.
> 
> Secondly, a wayward wife "in luuvvv" with the OM will usually want a quick and easy divorce so they can get on to their new life with Mr. Wonderful. You can use this to your advantage to gain concessions in the settlement proceedings. In that case you want the two of them hot and heavy.
> 
> Now, if you are still trying to save your marriage, then you need to blow this affair out of the water. That means exposing the OM at work and the possibility that one or both of them lose their jobs. This would actually be a desired outcome as they cannot work together anymore if your marriage is to have any chance.


:iagree:

Exactly!


----------



## Rckbttm

NatureDave said:


> Yes, here is my advice.
> 
> If you are 100% done, then leave the lovebirds alone and don't expose at work. Two benefits here...just as you said, you want your wife employed through the divorce process so that you won't have to pay alimony and a lot less child support.
> 
> Secondly, a wayward wife "in luuvvv" with the OM will usually want a quick and easy divorce so they can get on to their new life with Mr. Wonderful. You can use this to your advantage to gain concessions in the settlement proceedings. In that case you want the two of them hot and heavy.
> 
> Now, if you are still trying to save your marriage, then you need to blow this affair out of the water. That means exposing the OM at work and the possibility that one or both of them lose their jobs. This would actually be a desired outcome as they cannot work together anymore if your marriage is to have any chance.


Thanks naturedave! Thats kind of what i was thinking. i dont see anyway I can nuke this guy wihout effecting my wife at this point, at least at the job. Curious though, with alimony does it not matter when and why she loses her job its just A. She deosnt have a job? i mean the more i dig into this the more it appears they have this all planned out...which she says she does not. But hell i cant believe anything anymore.


----------



## NatureDave

I don't know the answer, you might have to ask a lawyer.

I do know that the court will give her credit for "potential income". This is a protection that prevents the spouse from quitting just prior to or during a divorce to get a more favorable settlement. They would simply assign her a potential income at the rate of her last 5 years salary or something like that.

Don't know if that would still be the case if she got fired.


----------



## survivorwife

Rckbttm said:


> Thanks naturedave! Thats kind of what i was thinking. i dont see anyway I can nuke this guy wihout effecting my wife at this point, at least at the job. *Curious though, with alimony does it not matter when and why she loses her job its just A.* She deosnt have a job? i mean the more i dig into this the more it appears they have this all planned out...which she says she does not. But hell i cant believe anything anymore.


Yes, it could affect the alimony award - in your favor. If she has been gainfully employed through most of your marriage, and suddenly find herself unemployed because of A, then the Judge could consider this information in determining how much and the duration of the alimony. In short, it can work in your favor.


----------



## dubsey

Rckbttm said:


> Thanks naturedave! Thats kind of what i was thinking. i dont see anyway I can nuke this guy wihout effecting my wife at this point, at least at the job. Curious though, with alimony does it not matter when and why she loses her job its just A. She deosnt have a job? i mean the more i dig into this the more it appears they have this all planned out...which she says she does not. But hell i cant believe anything anymore.


It doesn't mean you can't keep the work exposure on the table using it as leverage to get a mutually agreed upon settlement with the stbx that is far more in your favor.


----------



## Rckbttm

survivorwife said:


> Yes, it could affect the alimony award - in your favor. If she has been gainfully employed through most of your marriage, and suddenly find herself unemployed because of A, then the Judge could consider this information in determining how much and the duration of the alimony. In short, it can work in your favor.


Great info, thanks All. So I may be leaving out some critical details. She is contracted by trade, this job is her main source of income. she has another doing similar but different duties for a very well know company at whcih she could actually increase her time there adn make additional income. So i guess what i am saying is she has the potential to earn more doing job B if she so chooses. I know this is lawyer stuff but there are a lot of you with so much knowledge that I welcome any and all feedback. And again...THIS SUCKS BALLS!!..no wait..She did!!


----------



## BobSimmons

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :scratchhead: These things are not mutually exclusive.
> 
> Until he nukes the OM, he won't be able to deal effectrively with his wife.
> 
> Can't people walk and chew gum anymore without the help of a smartphone?


I'm talking about concentrating on one task at a time, rather than being caught in a whirlwind of exposing OM, dealing with filing and dealing with his wife when she starts her mind games.

OP originally was afraid to move forward and confront the affair in the beginning, he's moving in the right direction, just cautioning on doing too much too soon.



If he can do it then fine. All the more power to him .


----------



## survivorwife

Rckbttm said:


> Great info, thanks All. So I may be leaving out some critical details. She is contracted by trade, this job is her main source of income. she has another doing similar but different duties for a very well know company at whcih she could actually increase her time there adn make additional income. So i guess what i am saying is she has the potential to earn more doing job B *if she so chooses.* I know this is lawyer stuff but there are a lot of you with so much knowledge that I welcome any and all feedback. And again...THIS SUCKS BALLS!!..no wait..She did!!


Ah, key words here. "If she so chooses", which translates to mean that, on the question of Alimony, should she prefer to be unemployed or underemployed in order to stick you with Alimony, your attorney can point this out to the Judge which certainly will factor into the alimony award (if any). 

I rest my case.


----------



## Rckbttm

dubsey said:


> It doesn't mean you can't keep the work exposure on the table using it as leverage to get a mutually agreed upon settlement with the stbx that is far more in your favor.


Yes i have thought of this too actually! Which WOULD be the best way to go if i can come out ahead. i can always blow him up after the dust has settled. I mean, my wife is so nt very good at this! She left her kindle her last night so i just happend to open it up and poof her facebook accout was open. Lots of correspondense between the OM since last december. took a picture of it and man in her industry if i went viral with this thing...WOW! thinking I may use that leverage if thngs get really bad or Im not happy with how its going. As far as he goes my secod job in life will be to make him the most notorious wife stealer ever! I know a bit vengful but WTF!


----------



## MrQuatto

Right now, since she knows your considering D, beware the false R and hysterical bonding to lure you to settle down and reconsider. Both are regular weapons of the wayward.


----------



## Acabado

Lawyer up and file asap.
In order of importance:
1 - The kids, the money.
2 - The rest.


----------



## hookares

Shaggy said:


> The convo will go like this with the judge.
> 
> He wants to keep the kids in their current home and current routine.
> 
> She wants to take them with her to move in with the newly unemployed OM far away from their lives.
> 
> If he doesn't win that one, his lawyer is beyond pathetic. This one is a no brsiner to D judges, they love to maintain normal for kids.


Don't want to p!ss on the parade, but the court rulings really have NOTHING to do with fairness nor justice. It all depends on how the judge perceives things and if he or she didn't get laid the night before, it may not go the way you think.
That said, I see no reason for the crotch cannibal who is sleeping with this guy's wife not to lose his job and, hopefully contract some terminal social disease.


----------



## daggeredheart

*** I can't thumbs this up enough**** this paragraph right here is important for anyone who wonders...WTF happened to my spouse, one second I thought I was top dog and now I'm cast aside like trash. ------->>>>

"Just be prepared for other odd behavior ( or should say heartless and selfish behavior ) such as her starting to take phone calls from this OM in front of you. Giving you the cold shoulder, etc.

Some people once they have gotten this sh1t off their chest think its all good to just move on with their lives before your ready to move on yourself. Just be prepared for this as it can be sudden and painful as they treat as you never existed or that all those years meant nothing to them.

Why they do this I have no clue or understanding why.

I hate to tell you that the pain usually gets worse and your emotions will be all over the place, thus the roller coaster feelings. There is nothing you will be able to do but go with along with the feelings. I have tried to control them to no avail. It will get better over the months. "


*********

Hurts in the worst way to see them be so open with their new love and show no regard for the bS feelings. My sis n law started to openly drive her lovers car to her house where her husband had to witness this!! No shame.


----------



## Chaparral

BobSimmons said:


> Dude for now forget about OM. It's going to take all your strength not to get derailed when your wife starts her operation to reestablish control of the situation and stop the divorce.
> 
> You're in control, it scares her
> 
> You're not taking anymore cr*p, suddenly the cold light of day is shining on her little fantasy world.
> 
> One thing at a time. Deal with your wife, when that is over then you can go nuclear on OM


This pathetic advice get thrown out on every thread. It NEVER works and the BS either walks away whipped or cries about he should have taken our advice and outed the om in the beginning. Everytime. Damn it.


----------



## Chaparral

dubsey said:


> It doesn't mean you can't keep the work exposure on the table using it as leverage to get a mutually agreed upon settlement with the stbx that is far more in your favor.


Hasn't worked in the last two years. I don't recall one person regreting exposure. And not one person has shown exposure costing more alimony.


----------



## Rckbttm

Ok so...jut had a long convo with the wife after she returned from her sisters. A)Shes planning on moving out with her divorced back stabbing girlfriend who also cheated on her husband because she wasnt in love,happy or whatever...B)One of the work friends I exposed to contacted her which i figured would happen. Wanted to know what the hell I was doing and that iam hurting the kids even more and that I need to stop and that she is not painting me in a bad lite over this to anyone and that she doesnt want this to get ugly and blah blah! C) .."And just so you know I called my company and told them and that I may get fired..are you happy now?"
Wasnt quite expecting that but I knew people new what was up too small of a company. She said they are discussing it and that maybe she might take time off or something if they feel they wish to keep her. I do believe she did it but not with the impact I would have. She just wants to get this over peacefully and feels I'm being vengeful...really! i told her I wasnt trying to be vengeful at all just wanted people to know the truth. She said I would never understand walking in her shoes for years feeling dependent on someone for everything, having to ask for everything, giving up everything she used to love to do and the people she'd do it with! Friends understand why she did it...but I will never be able to cause I never had to experience that in life!

Lets see...She has a job that she loves and is able to fly around the country while her husband is willing to stay home and be with the kids. .. She had jack sh*t when I met her and basically fed and gave her a place to stay before we were married and supported her through school..bought her a new house...had two beautiful kids...I work my ass off...I dont hang out in bars.. I dont go to strip clubs...I dont gamble...I dont beat my wife...I dont CHEAT!.. and I love my family! 

So she brought up the splitting of things...she said I could have the house but if we sell it she wants half! And that any retirement I accumulated when married she deserves half too. She also is afraid of me going for custody which has crossed my mind. I told her i wouldnt do that to the kids 50/50(maybe)..House is mine she gets nothing if I sell it, new car is hers $20K and the OM can take care of her retirement as i'm sure he cashed in on a life insurance policy when his wife died!


----------



## Chaparral

That means there is no reason to not put the hammer down on the guy that busted your kids lives.


----------



## Rckbttm

Also, she made the comment of wanting to take this slow as we both have never been through this(actually she has, she was married for 5years with HS boyfriend adn didnt work out..hmmm) adn deosnt want to make any quick decision on anything. She wants it to be a process! i just said yeah I understand but in my head im thinking F that, lets do this thing!!


----------



## Will_Kane

Rckbttm said:


> *C) .."And just so you know I called my company and told them and that I may get fired..are you happy now?"*


I don't believe anything the cheater says unless it is verifiable or supported by actions. Don't let this sway you one way or the other about outing her at work.

I can't recall anyone ever regretting outing the cheaters at work. Not once did I ever hear about it affecting alimony. In many cases, including a few within the past few weeks, the cheaters immediately or eventually came back because of the work exposure.

I have seen a lot of threads here where the betrayed spouses hold back, wait, do nothing - I've never seen any good come of it. They are all waiting for a payoff that never comes.

Take a look at the threads here and arive at your own conclusion.


----------



## Rckbttm

OH, and she looks beaten down too. She cried and said she just wants to go away and be alone and not see or talk to anybody this weekend so she can think and breath.


----------



## Rckbttm

Will_Kane said:


> I don't believe anything the cheater says unless it is verifiable or supported by actions. Don't let this sway you one way or the other about outing her at work.
> 
> I can't recall anyone ever regretting outing the cheaters at work. Not once did I ever hear about it affecting alimony. In many cases, including a few within the past few weeks, the cheaters immediately or eventually came back because of the work exposure.
> 
> I have seen a lot of threads here where the betrayed spouses hold back, wait, do nothing - I've never seen any good come of it. They are all waiting for a payoff that never comes.
> 
> Take a look at the threads here and arive at your own conclusion.


Not once did I ever hear about it affecting alimony.

really?? that is what iam fearing. If she deosnt work i pay more to support her. I knowthis is lawyer stuff but are we really certain this is the case?


----------



## WorkingOnMe

I'm sure you already realize that she told you she already told at work because it's the only way she could convince you not to expose her at work. She figures if you think she's already been exposed that you won't do it.


----------



## Rckbttm

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm sure you already realize that she told you she already told at work because it's the only way she could convince you not to expose her at work. She figures if you think she's already been exposed that you won't do it.


Yep, actually thought of that too!


----------



## walkonmars

Call her work and tell them you understand that your wife outed herself to them. Tell them you want to reassure them that the affair is causing your divorce. Ask them if there is going to be any repercussion to the OM as you'd like to inform your lawyer. 

All that BS she told you is spin. It's a rewriting of the marital history. All of a sudden you've become an ogre and she has been Mother Teresa. 

That call you got from one of her friends was a con. Your wife put the friend up to it to soften you up a little bit and shake your resolve. She's playing hardball. 

BTW you did great. Keep it up.


----------



## Openminded

She's rewriting your history so she doesn't look quite so bad to herself and others. She wants to take it slow so she can decide if you will work as Plan B. Don't fall for it.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Rckbttm said:


> Not once did I ever hear about it affecting alimony.
> 
> really?? that is what iam fearing. If she deosnt work i pay more to support her. I knowthis is lawyer stuff but are we really certain this is the case?


Well, if it did then everyone getting a divorce would quit their job. I mean, you can't pay alimony if you don't have any income right? Then after the divorce is final, they would get another job.


----------



## Rckbttm

Openminded said:


> She's rewriting your history so she doesn't look quite so bad to herself and others. She wants to take it slow so she can decide if you will work as Plan B. Don't fall for it.


Possibly, i did not think of that. Or maybe shes getting a plan together. Regardless, im hitting the gas peddle. Lawyer time tomorrow!


----------



## Shaggy

Ok, so you now have a cleared runway for nuking the OM at his work, your wife says she putted herself, so tomorrow let'er rip.

Btw, you know she's going to be hooking up the weekend with the OM right? It's a three day weekend for a lot of companies. He's either flying in our she's flying there.

Good hunting tomorrow. Nail that guy.

Btw, if you can nail him it means he will dump your wife which means she won't be running off to his city. You'll want her around to do her 50% child care, while you get out and date her major upgrade,


----------



## Rckbttm

Shaggy said:


> Ok, so you now have a cleared runway for nuking the OM at his work, your wife says she putted herself, so tomorrow let'er rip.
> 
> Btw, you know she's going to be hooking up the weekend with the OM right? It's a three day weekend for a lot of companies. He's either flying in our she's flying there.
> 
> Good hunting tomorrow. Nail that guy.
> 
> Btw, if you can nail him it means he will dump your wife which means she won't be running off to his city. You'll want her around to do her 50% child care, while you get out and date her major upgrade,


Thanks Shaggy!


----------



## jim123

Make sure she can not take the kids out of state. File and protect yourself.


----------



## Machiavelli

Rckbttm said:


> OH, and she looks beaten down too. She cried and said she just wants to go away and be alone and not see or talk to anybody this weekend so she can think and breath.


If she does go away this weekend she won't be alone. She'll be getting an injection of antidepressants so she can feel better.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Expose the other man before the weekend and ruin her plans.


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## Shaggy

Yeah, their nice hookup won't be nearly as fun with him panicking about her crazy husband getting him fired. 

Now that's a priceless gift. It will initially make her made because you caused strife in her romance, but longer term she will have a lot more respect for you.


----------



## Decorum

Please follow the advice here.

It looks like you are a man of action. They always do the best in these situations.

Any way you can track her this weekend? Gps in car? Iphone?
also a var in her car doubled Velcro-ed under the seat.

She is running a game on you for sure!!!

Take care!


----------



## Jonesey

Rckbttm said:


> Ok so...jut had a long convo with the wife after she returned from her sisters. A)Shes planning on moving out with her divorced back stabbing girlfriend who also cheated on her husband because she wasnt in love,happy or whatever...B)One of the work friends I exposed to contacted her which i figured would happen. Wanted to know what the hell I was doing and that iam hurting the kids even more and that I need to stop and that she is not painting me in a bad lite over this to anyone and that she doesnt want this to get ugly and blah blah! C) .."And just so you know I called my company and told them and that I may get fired..are you happy now?"
> Wasnt quite expecting that but I knew people new what was up too small of a company. She said they are discussing it and that maybe she might take time off or something if they feel they wish to keep her. I do believe she did it but not with the impact I would have. She just wants to get this over peacefully and feels I'm being vengeful...really! i told her I wasnt trying to be vengeful at all just wanted people to know the truth. She said I would never understand walking in her shoes for years feeling dependent on someone for everything, having to ask for everything, giving up everything she used to love to do and the people she'd do it with! *Friends understand why she did it.*..but I will never be able to cause I never had to experience that in life! Well i guess it´s called having integrity.
> 
> *Lets see...She has a job that she loves and is able to fly around the country while her husband is willing to stay home and be with the kids. .. She had jack sh*t when I met her and basically fed and gave her a place to stay before we were married and supported her through school..bought her a new house...had two beautiful kids...I work my ass off...I dont hang out in bars.. I dont go to strip clubs...I dont gamble...I dont beat my wife...I dont CHEAT!.. and I love my family!
> *
> So she brought up the splitting of things...she said I could have the house but if we sell it she wants half! *And that any retirement I accumulated when married she deserves half too. *She also is afraid of me going for custody which has crossed my mind. I told her i wouldnt do that to the kids 50/50(maybe)..House is mine she gets nothing if I sell it, new car is hers $20K and the OM can take care of her retirement as i'm sure he cashed in on a life insurance policy when his wife died!


The bolded part´s ,ecpecally the red one..

There is a saying PRICELESS and for everything else There Is
Mastercard

I do have to hand it to her.After all she has done,she does have the ball´s enough to be a C...t. With no shame


----------



## Decorum

Sung to the band America song, horse with no name!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BobSimmons

Rckbttm said:


> OH, and she looks beaten down too. She cried and said she just wants to go away and be alone and not see or talk to anybody this weekend so she can think and breath.


Haha of course, she'll be crying right into his bed..


----------



## Tron

Rckbttm,

Oregon is a no-fault state, so collecting info on your wife's affair etc. isn't going to help you at all and is a waste of time.

If you want to know the rules on divorce, child support and spousal support go to the Oregon State Bar website for Family Law and read up on it before you go visit your attorney. It is a pretty quick read. Here are a few links:

Family Law

Divorce: Dissolution of Marriage

Child and Spousal Support: Child and Spousal Support in Dissolution of Marriage Cases

As far as support goes, I would guess that things like abandonment, her ability to earn a living, the fact that you paid for and put her through school, supported your family and kids, etc....things like that would have an impact on spousal support. It will be interesting to see what happens once she moves into her toxic friend's apartment. Start to journal her interactions with the kids and with you. 50/50 custody should be the absolute minimum to shoot for especially since you are the one staying in the home. BTW get her out of your house as soon as you can. With 50/50 custody you shouldn't have to pay child support. Depending on how far into the fog she is, what she does from here on out and on how things develop, you may be able to get more than 50/50 custody and she would have to pay you child support. I don't think that blowing this up at her work is going to affect spousal support, especially if she has other avenues to make a living, but I would recommend you do it after you file. After you file, send a note out to everyone and all your friends that she has been cheating on you with a co-worker for x months, that you are divorcing her and that you and your family would appreciate their support during this difficult time. Her mom's disgusting reaction to all this should make this even more critical. Then go start a thread or blog in the "Going Through Divorce Forum". 

If the OM doesn't move to your town after he gets fired, I suspect that your W's relationship with him is going to come to an end fairly quickly. LDR's suck, especially if she is sitting in an apartment half the time all by herself. If your W leaves to be with him then you don't really want her around your kids much anyway and you are going to get pretty much whatever you want in this D. If she stays in your town and this relationship with the OM ends, you follow the advice you get from the folks on the Divorce forum and there is a good chance your W is going to be on her hands and knees begging for you to take her back. 

Good luck. Be strong.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Rckbttm said:


> Also, she made the comment of wanting to take this slow as we both have never been through this(actually she has, she was married for 5years with HS boyfriend adn didnt work out..hmmm) adn deosnt want to make any quick decision on anything. She wants it to be a process! i just said yeah I understand but in my head im thinking F that, lets do this thing!!


The longer it takes, the more time she has to talk to friends and take you to the cleaners. You take the time YOU need to make the decisions, you DO NOT work on her time table.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Rckbttm said:


> Possibly, i did not think of that. Or maybe shes getting a plan together. Regardless, im hitting the gas peddle. Lawyer time tomorrow!


My wife told everyone we were having trouble and are just separating. What that really translated into was she was fvcking someone else and had an apartment with him already.

Your problem, like mine is your still thinking she is the women you married. She is not. Wolf in sheep clothing 100%.

You mentioned about divorce and alimony and her loosing her job. What I can tell you from what I know. Lets assume she ends up giving you alimony and then looses her job. She can go into court and request a reduction upon proof of unemployment. Everyone has to pay child support. The minimum is 25$ which is the poverty level.

Honestly if you really, really, really want a divorce then it is common sense you let her keep her job. 

If you want her back then blow them up at work.

I don't need to tell you, try to settle this yourselves and not in court. Lawyers just want to fight to make money.


----------



## Shaggy

I hope you've already called his HR director.


----------



## NewM

Rckbttm said:


> "And just so you know I called my company and told them and that I may get fired..are you happy now?"


How nice of her to take care of that for you!



Rckbttm said:


> So she brought up the splitting of things...she said I could have the house but if we sell it she wants half! And that any retirement I accumulated when married she deserves half too. She also is afraid of me going for custody which has crossed my mind. I told her i wouldnt do that to the kids 50/50(maybe)..House is mine she gets nothing if I sell it, new car is hers $20K and the OM can take care of her retirement as i'm sure he cashed in on a life insurance policy when his wife died!


If she tries take your house and retirement you do the same and go for as much custody as you can.


----------



## Rckbttm

Tron said:


> Rckbttm,
> 
> Oregon is a no-fault state, so collecting info on your wife's affair etc. isn't going to help you at all and is a waste of time.
> 
> If you want to know the rules on divorce, child support and spousal support go to the Oregon State Bar website for Family Law and read up on it before you go visit your attorney. It is a pretty quick read. Here are a few links:
> 
> Family Law
> 
> Divorce: Dissolution of Marriage
> 
> Child and Spousal Support: Child and Spousal Support in Dissolution of Marriage Cases
> 
> As far as support goes, I would guess that things like abandonment, her ability to earn a living, the fact that you paid for and put her through school, supported your family and kids, etc....things like that would have an impact on spousal support. It will be interesting to see what happens once she moves into her toxic friend's apartment. Start to journal her interactions with the kids and with you. 50/50 custody should be the absolute minimum to shoot for especially since you are the one staying in the home. BTW get her out of your house as soon as you can. With 50/50 custody you shouldn't have to pay child support. Depending on how far into the fog she is, what she does from here on out and on how things develop, you may be able to get more than 50/50 custody and she would have to pay you child support. I don't think that blowing this up at her work is going to affect spousal support, especially if she has other avenues to make a living, but I would recommend you do it after you file. After you file, send a note out to everyone and all your friends that she has been cheating on you with a co-worker for x months, that you are divorcing her and that you and your family would appreciate their support during this difficult time. Her mom's disgusting reaction to all this should make this even more critical. Then go start a thread or blog in the "Going Through Divorce Forum".
> 
> If the OM doesn't move to your town after he gets fired, I suspect that your W's relationship with him is going to come to an end fairly quickly. LDR's suck, especially if she is sitting in an apartment half the time all by herself. If your W leaves to be with him then you don't really want her around your kids much anyway and you are going to get pretty much whatever you want in this D. If she stays in your town and this relationship with the OM ends, you follow the advice you get from the folks on the Divorce forum and there is a good chance your W is going to be on her hands and knees begging for you to take her back.
> 
> Good luck. Be strong.


Thanks Tron, you nailed it. idont see this OM moving here anytime soon as he has two kids of his own that he is raising by himself. And if I'm not mistaken his position entails him to be local at the corp office, noth that that couldnt change of course. im thinking her telling the company is more or less BS so i dont go any further with exposing this thing. she is now telling people we know that she had an affair and we are getting a divorce, I know this because I got to them early and they reached out to me. My goal is to take care of these kids first and formost whatever that means as far a custody and try to handle this without getting lawyers involved. You know the shi**y thing is that she has been gone since yesterday and not once has my kids asked where mommie is nore has she reached out to me to see if they are ok!? Just another weekend with mom gone I guess!! Simpy PATHETIC!!


----------



## jim123

She is busy with OM. Get a lawyer involved and protect yourself. She is off making plans with him. Do not loose your kids.

Even with an attorney you can still do mediation. It will cost a little more but do not go cheap and make a big mistake.


----------



## Rckbttm

Hardtohandle said:


> My wife told everyone we were having trouble and are just separating. What that really translated into was she was fvcking someone else and had an apartment with him already.
> 
> Your problem, like mine is your still thinking she is the women you married. She is not. Wolf in sheep clothing 100%.
> 
> You mentioned about divorce and alimony and her loosing her job. What I can tell you from what I know. Lets assume she ends up giving you alimony and then looses her job. She can go into court and request a reduction upon proof of unemployment. Everyone has to pay child support. The minimum is 25$ which is the poverty level.
> 
> Honestly if you really, really, really want a divorce then it is common sense you let her keep her job.
> 
> If you want her back then blow them up at work.
> 
> I don't need to tell you, try to settle this yourselves and not in court. Lawyers just want to fight to make money.


Thanks hardtohandle, no way shes coming back in my life she had that chance after the first DDAY with this guy! lied her ass off for 9 months going underground, talking to the OM on the phone in front of my son several times during that time making me think that all was fine as we were striving to fix myself and our marriage! She's garbage and if it wasnt for our kids I'd throw her out like so. I still to this day cannot understand how a human being can do this to their children, a supposed best friend of 10 plus years and wake up still justifying what they have done!!


----------



## Tron

Rckbttm said:


> You know the shi**y thing is that she has been gone since yesterday and not once has my kids asked where mommie is nore has she reached out to me to see if they are ok!? Just another weekend with mom gone I guess!! Simpy PATHETIC!!


START A DAILY JOURNAL AND LOG EVERYTHING. 

If things get contentious and you ultimately have to get an attorney involved, the more ammo you have the better the outcome for you.


----------



## Tron

jim123 said:


> She is busy with OM. Get a lawyer involved and protect yourself. She is off making plans with him. Do not loose your kids.
> 
> Even with an attorney you can still do mediation. It will cost a little more but do not go cheap and make a big mistake.


You know Rckbttm, I know you dont want to spend the money, but with your assets and the overall situation here, I am with jim123. I think you are going to wind up better off with an attorney involved. As Jim mentioned this D could get settled in a mediation anyway. Your W may be so entrenched in her fantasy land that you can walk out of this in pretty good shape and possibly her paying you child support. Why wouldn't you want that? With the OM in another state you also need to make sure that you get all the custody you can with provisions where she cant move them out of Oregon.


----------



## Decorum

Rckbttm,
Just want to lend my support and say you are handling this very well.
Stay on course, she thinks she has a soft place to land and is not looking back, remember that when things don't work out for her and she wants back.

She has been heading in this direction all along, she is a classic wing walker, so don't hold the plane steady, a little well placed turbulence can go a long way and be very entertaining.

Stay strong and set your course for a new better life!
Take care!


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## Shaggy

So rck, why haven't you exposed at the OMs work? This guy gets to use his job to get private time with your wife, he uses it to pay for her to come see him.


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## Chaparral

1 Get a court order so that she cannot leave the area with your kids, many make this fatal mistake. If you do not think she will gut you you are in lala land.

2 out the other man,, he needs to be taking care of his own crap instead of helping her bury you.

3 put him on cheaterville.com because that's where cheating trash belongs and helps keep him out of your business. It mainly shows that you are aman that can't be messed with. It makes you feel a lot better too.


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## Chaparral

Talk to your lawyer first to prtect yourself and your kids.
I think you can work on the divorcebany way the two of you agree on. If you can't agree it goes to court. That's expensive.

You can get an order to keep her from taking your kids out of the area. If you don't, she can take them across state lines and it can take forever to get them back......if you ever do.

Check divorce laws in your state online. Go to dadsdivorce.com

Men regularly get screwed l wife cheating or not.


----------



## BobSimmons

chapparal said:


> Talk to your lawyer first to prtect yourself and your kids.
> I think you can work on the divorcebany way the two of you agree on. If you can't agree it goes to court. That's expensive.
> 
> You can get an order to keep her from taking your kids out of the area. If you don't, she can take them across state lines and it can take forever to get them back......if you ever do.
> 
> Check divorce laws in your state online. Go to dadsdivorce.com
> 
> Men regularly get screwed l wife cheating or not.


:iagree:
Rock, you are only delaying the inevitable aren't you. You don't want to get lawyers involved, yet you don't want your wife in your life...how does that work? You're going to get her to move out to OM's? Work out some arrangement where they get to have the kids certain days? Work out alimony payments between the three of you.

You've delayed and rug swept and unfortunately for you it has now come to this. You can't protect the kids until you protect yourself.
Right now nothing is more vital during what will be a tumultuous period of their lives that everything in the background is as secure as humanly possible. Where is their anchor? You now have to be that anchor. That means leaving nothing to chance. Get everything in order and start being the real foundation of not only yourself but your children as well.


----------



## Decorum

Good points!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rckbttm

BobSimmons said:


> :iagree:
> Rock, you are only delaying the inevitable aren't you. You don't want to get lawyers involved, yet you don't want your wife in your life...how does that work? You're going to get her to move out to OM's? Work out some arrangement where they get to have the kids certain days? Work out alimony payments between the three of you.
> 
> You've delayed and rug swept and unfortunately for you it has now come to this. You can't protect the kids until you protect yourself.
> Right now nothing is more vital during what will be a tumultuous period of their lives that everything in the background is as secure as humanly possible. Where is their anchor? You now have to be that anchor. That means leaving nothing to chance. Get everything in order and start being the real foundation of not only yourself but your children as well.


Agreed Bob, handled this all wrong from the beginning which is why I am here today! Protecting my kids and me are the only priority now and I have begun the process. I want out of this without making it as ugly as possible with my kids best interest at hand is all. Coming to an agreement outside the courtroom is the quickest, most painless(for my kids and me)not to mention less expensive in the long run. I am prepared to do what I need to. Question, can i bump this to a private area for future discussions?


----------



## Openminded

Rckbttm said:


> Agreed Bob, handled this all wrong from the beginning which is why I am here today! Protecting my kids and me are the only priority now and I have begun the process. I want out of this without making it as ugly as possible with my kids best interest at hand is all. Coming to an agreement outside the courtroom is the quickest, most painless(for my kids and me)not to mention less expensive in the long run. I am prepared to do what I need to. Question, can i bump this to a private area for future discussions?


Contact a mod to have it moved to the Private Section. That's the best place for it to be.


----------



## Rckbttm

So the wife came back tonight and wants to stay here until she finds a permanent place to live to make things somewhat normal for the kids. I told her she needs to get out asap adn i dont care where she goes. My son senses whats going on and asked me tonight if we are gettign a divorce...ugh. So when is a good time to tell the kids? Im thinking now at this point, any advice on this?


----------



## Rckbttm

daggeredheart said:


> *** I can't thumbs this up enough**** this paragraph right here is important for anyone who wonders...WTF happened to my spouse, one second I thought I was top dog and now I'm cast aside like trash. ------->>>>
> 
> "Just be prepared for other odd behavior ( or should say heartless and selfish behavior ) such as her starting to take phone calls from this OM in front of you. Giving you the cold shoulder, etc.
> 
> Some people once they have gotten this sh1t off their chest think its all good to just move on with their lives before your ready to move on yourself. Just be prepared for this as it can be sudden and painful as they treat as you never existed or that all those years meant nothing to them.
> 
> Why they do this I have no clue or understanding why.
> 
> I hate to tell you that the pain usually gets worse and your emotions will be all over the place, thus the roller coaster feelings. There is nothing you will be able to do but go with along with the feelings. I have tried to control them to no avail. It will get better over the months. "
> 
> 
> *********
> 
> Hurts in the worst way to see them be so open with their new love and show no regard for the bS feelings. My sis n law started to openly drive her lovers car to her house where her husband had to witness this!! No shame.


I'm actually seeing this a bit now. No phone calls but shes texting all over the place like before. itold her I want her out asap!! Shes so already OK with the D it seems it makes me sick. I just might throw her **** out tomorrow im so pissed!


----------



## Shaggy

Are you the one paying for her phone? If so tomorrow transfer the number to a new cheap basic phone. You'll started seeing who's texting her so much.

Really it's far past time to expose.


----------



## jim123

Thisis not a good thing for the kids. Her flying off to cheat on you, Get herout ASAP.


----------



## Rckbttm

jim123 said:


> Thisis not a good thing for the kids. Her flying off to cheat on you, Get herout ASAP.


That is my plan. I do have evidence of her and the OM using company time and money for there affair and will exposing tomorrow. Is there any real laws that are broken here or just company policy type rules? I want this guy fired but as i say small company and the owners may be reluctant to do anything in hopes things blow over if they too are sympathetic to both of there love for one another...assuming they do know as my wife has stated.


----------



## Shaggy

Well there are a couple of ways you can ratchet up their attention.

One is you pay your lawyer to write an lawyer letter to them informing them of the situation and that company resources are being used by X to meet up with your wife and to enable their affair.

Send a copy to the owners and to the director of hr.

That often gets a lot of attention.


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## Shaggy

If you've gut specific dates you know they've hookup cite them.

At small companies the money is often coming right out of the owners pocket so hen they find he's using the company's money to have his gf visit, they won't be very kind.

Also send a copy to your wife's company too.


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## Will_Kane

Rckbttm said:


> So the wife came back tonight and wants to stay here until she finds a permanent place to live to make things somewhat normal for the kids. I told her she needs to get out asap adn i dont care where she goes. My son senses whats going on and asked me tonight if we are gettign a divorce...ugh. So when is a good time to tell the kids? Im thinking now at this point, any advice on this?


Don't lie to them. Make sure they know that the problems between you and your wife are not their fault in any way, there is nothing that they did or didn't do that could have helped or hurt the situation. Make sure you tell them that both you and your wife love them and always will be there for them no matter what.


----------



## Will_Kane

Rckbttm said:


> That is my plan. I do have evidence of her and the OM using company time and money for there affair and will exposing tomorrow. Is there any real laws that are broken here or just company policy type rules? I want this guy fired but as i say small company and the owners may be reluctant to do anything in hopes things blow over if they too are sympathetic to both of there love for one another...assuming they do know as my wife has stated.


Any letter to the company detailing "a year-and-a-half long affair between my wife's (direct supervisor) and my wife, his subordinate" and accusing the company of "fostering a toxic work environment where married employees spend more time carrying on adulterous affairs than doing their jobs" which resulted in the "demise of my marriage and young family including a 10-year-old boy and a 5-year-old girl, all because the company has very little supervision or knowledge of the activities of its employees" and hinting that "I am not sure whether or not OM used his position (as a supervisor) to coerce my wife of 10 years to have sex with him, but I have a feeling that he did" and "I am seriously considering a lawsuit due to what I consider to be reckless, careless, and negligent management practices, especially considering that it seems improbable that no one in a position of authority knew of this sexual relationship between my wife and her (boss) and no one did anything to stop it, which resulted in the infliction of much physical, emotional, and financial distress to me and my family; I wonder if married people would feel safe staying in such a place if they knew what morals the company promotes through its lax oversight, as well as the thought that company employees might be open to sexual affairs with married customers" - any such letter would get management's attention and, unless your wife and other man were invaluable employees who brought in substantial income to the company, would both of them in trouble. The letter should go to HR and to the company's owners.

The letter should also state that you are aware of them using company time and resources to conduct the affair, and question how many "work" hours on company time and other company resources really were hours spent on adultery resulting in the infliction of emotion damage to you and your young children. The company, through its negligence, financed the destruction of your marriage and young family.

Ask for a response to your letter.

There would be some type of internal investigation by human resources. Make no false accusations - use I think, I feel, it appears that and stress that you are seriously considering a lawsuit and that you will let them know if and when you decide to pursue further action.

If you can find an attorney to file a real lawsuit, you might get some type of settlement. Companies will weigh the cost of litigation and their chance of victory and the negative publicity -all lawsuits are a matter of public record - against what amount of money it would take to make the problem go away.

I'm sure the people who run the company have better ways to spend their time than worrying about some ding-a-ling who can't seem to keep is weenie in his pants. They will not want Mr. Weenie working for them.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Rckbttm said:


> That is my plan. I do have evidence of her and the OM using company time and money for there affair and will exposing tomorrow. Is there any real laws that are broken here or just company policy type rules? I want this guy fired but as i say small company and the owners may be reluctant to do anything in hopes things blow over if they too are sympathetic to both of there love for one another...assuming they do know as my wife has stated.


Then you compose a perfunctory letter with FACTS and zero emotions. There are employee ethics violations within the company and sexual harassment laws that exist. Basically, the company will do a business assessment and act accordingly.

At my job, two people of normally equal rank were having an affair. A couple days a week, he was in an *acting* higher position. When they were caught, she said sexual harassment and he was fired as well as the guy that busted them having sex at work. He was fired for not reporting that he caught them in the act.

Can I PROVE it wasn't 100% sexual harassment? No. Did I see enough, to draw a conclusion, that it started when they were equals? Yes. No, I didn't know she was married. The irony was palpable because she helped ruin a subordinates marriage. She was the supervisor and he was a true subordinate.

Companies tend to react SWIFTLY when it comes to even the impropriety of sexual harassment. When they are equals, not so much.


----------



## turnera

Shaggy said:


> Well there are a couple of ways you can ratchet up their attention.
> 
> One is you pay your lawyer to write an lawyer letter to them informing them of the situation and that company resources are being used by X to meet up with your wife and to enable their affair.
> 
> Send a copy to the owners and to the director of hr.
> 
> That often gets a lot of attention.


This is the best way to handle it. It's worth $250 to pay the lawyer to send it.

And she now has a college degree and is very employable. No alimony, most likely.


----------



## Rckbttm

So she came back after being gone all weekend at her parents ..supposedly. She said she wants to stay here until she finds a permanent place and will sleep on the coach. She indicated that she feels it woul dbe the best interest for our son to not tell him or move out until his school year is over so that it will not effect him anymore than it has. I told her camly I want her out asap and that seh needs to find a place by the end of this week, dont care where. I told her that our son already knows whats about to happen as he is not stupid and he will be fine if we do this with him and our daughter as the priority. She has agreed to move out to her ****ty girlfriends appt. any opinions on this?


----------



## LostViking

Good. Let her go. And start documenting all her bad behavior from this point onwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Yep. Get a spiral notebook and start documenting what happens every single day, going back to the beginning and catching up; date every entry. It may or may not be admissible in court, but it just may turn the tide for the judge.


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## turnera

And good for you for telling her to GTFO.


----------



## Tron

LostViking said:


> Good. Let her go. And start documenting all her bad behavior from this point onwards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





turnera said:


> Yep. Get a spiral notebook and start documenting what happens every single day, going back to the beginning and catching up; date every entry. It may or may not be admissible in court, but it just may turn the tide for the judge.


You use the journal to refresh your memory when and if you ever have to testify in court. That is how it gets in, and YES it is that IMPORTANT. The judge will take it into account and your lawyer will thank you immensely because you just made his job a lot easier and your case much stronger.


----------



## DavidWYoung

This is your wife "Everything I say is a LIE, and that is the TRUTH!"


----------



## wifeiam

I think she quits her job and goes to counseling now and owns up or you have to move on. It may seem extreme but losing a spouse is too. Her decision will tell you how serious she is. If she is that 'in love' with thim then it doesn't look good. She will only see the errors of her ways when she has broken up her home and he is on to the next cheating wife. Sorry.


----------



## NatureDave

Rckbttm...

You need to learn the divorce laws in your state and put this idea of doing things "amicably, without a lawyer" out of your head. Here short, far from complete list of things you need to be doing. NOW.

1) Hire a lawyer. Before you do anything else. You need a lawyer to accurately interpret and explain the laws and your rights to you. You need someone representing your interests. Divorce is a business agreement and you need a lawyer to fight for the best deal possible, for you and the kids. Even if you end up settling in mediation (which is likely), having a lawyer to advise you and represent you will save you thousands in the long run and more importantly, your rights as a father.

2) Do not plan or negotiate without your lawyer's advise. Make no concessions to your wife trying to be friendly or make things go smoothly. Things go smoothly when you are prepared and have a plan. Everything is a bargaining chip.

3) That being said, most states are 50/50. That means each is entitled to half the assets accumulated during the marriage and responsible for half the debt. She is entitled to half of the house's worth if you guys bought it while married. She does get half of the retirement you accrued during your married life.

4) 50/50 custody should be your goal, unless she can be proven to be a real threat to the health and safety of your children (which you can't prove).

5) Document everything you do for the children for the past two or more years if you want 50/50 custody. Taking them to school, doctor's appointments, sports practice, church, vacations, etc. Everything. You get a lot farther with the courts showing what a good parent YOU are than you do trying to tear down their mother.


----------



## Rckbttm

NatureDave said:


> Rckbttm...
> 
> You need to learn the divorce laws in your state and put this idea of doing things "amicably, without a lawyer" out of your head. Here short, far from complete list of things you need to be doing. NOW.
> 
> 1) Hire a lawyer. Before you do anything else. You need a lawyer to accurately interpret and explain the laws and your rights to you. You need someone representing your interests. Divorce is a business agreement and you need a lawyer to fight for the best deal possible, for you and the kids. Even if you end up settling in mediation (which is likely), having a lawyer to advise you and represent you will save you thousands in the long run and more importantly, your rights as a father.
> 
> 
> 2) Do not plan or negotiate without your lawyer's advise. Make no concessions to your wife trying to be friendly or make things go smoothly. Things go smoothly when you are prepared and have a plan. Everything is a bargaining chip.
> 
> 3) That being said, most states are 50/50. That means each is entitled to half the assets accumulated during the marriage and responsible for half the debt. She is entitled to half of the house's worth if you guys bought it while married. She does get half of the retirement you accrued during your married life.
> 
> 4) 50/50 custody should be your goal, unless she can be proven to be a real threat to the health and safety of your children (which you can't prove).
> 
> 5) Document everything you do for the children for the past two or more years if you want 50/50 custody. Taking them to school, doctor's appointments, sports practice, church, vacations, etc. Everything. You get a lot farther with the courts showing what a good parent YOU are than you do trying to tear down their mother.


100% agree. Spoke to my second one allready and according to both i have a pretty good case for sole custody with her drinking and her travel frequency if i so choose. Is that the best for my kids? well probably not because she I feel is not a "danger" to my kids just doesnt think of them before her own selfish behavior ...obviously.


----------



## karole

If you don't want to go for full custody go for primary custody with her having visitation.


----------



## turnera

That's what I was going to say. The decision-making right needs to be in your hands so you can monitor and remove them if you feel she's starting to get unsafe.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Scared ****less*



Rckbttm said:


> 100% agree. Spoke to my second one allready and according to both i have a pretty good case for sole custody with her drinking and her travel frequency if i so choose. Is that the best for my kids? well probably not because she I feel is not a "danger" to my kids just doesnt think of them before her own selfish behavior ...obviously.


Just remember you can always negotiate down but rarely negotiate up.


----------



## stedfin

bfree said:


> Just remember you can always negotiate down but rarely negotiate up.


Not really.

For every person negotiating down, the other one is negotiating up.


----------



## turnera

Unless they're both asking for everything.


----------



## stedfin

Then they're not negotiating.


----------



## bfree

stedfin said:


> Then they're not negotiating.


Read some of the threads on TAM. They rarely negotiate they demand. Turnera is right. Point is that Rckbttm is in a position of strength right now. He should establish his position and can always be magnanimous later if he wishes to compromise. If he starts off giving too much he'll forever be fighting uphill battles.


----------



## Chaparral

Have you outed the om at his work yet?


----------



## Rckbttm

chapparal said:


> Have you outed the om at his work yet?


Great advice All, no not yet. I know there different opinions on this but the reality is I do not want her back so i am looking at this AFTER the filing. I want to be smart here and get as much in my favor during the nogotiating process. Please all opinions on this are welcome.


----------



## Hicks

This is where your lawyer comes in.
Most likely, in terms of child support, child custody, alimony etc, you are better off if your wife is employed.


----------



## Tron

If you have absolutely no interest in reconciling and are 100% headed for divorce then she needs to keep her job. Frankly, the more time at work she spends and the more money she makes, the better off you are because that just increases the amount of child support she pays you when you get full custody and decreases the likelihood of spousal support.

Keep doing the 180. Keep logging her efforts, or lack thereof, as a mom and get the ball rolling.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Tron said:


> If you have absolutely no interest in reconciling and are 100% headed for divorce then she needs to keep her job. Frankly, the more time at work she spends and the more money she makes, the better off you are because that just increases the amount of child support she pays you when you get full custody and decreases the likelihood of spousal support.
> 
> Keep doing the 180. Keep logging her efforts, or lack thereof, as a mom and get the ball rolling.


That is really great but I personally would advise HR. So many of these companies are flak proof which only provides further spawning workplace affairs continuing the endless circle of them not having any awareness because the divorcee would rather make it easier on their wallet. So be it, do not forget to advise HR AFTER the D.


----------



## Shaggy

By not notifying the OMs company you are enabling the affair to continue.


----------



## Chaparral

Hicks said:


> This is where your lawyer comes in.
> Most likely, in terms of child support, child custody, alimony etc, you are better off if your wife is employed.


Do you know this as a fact? This advice keeps coming up and somone else shoots it down. Can she quit her job to get more alimony? Can he quit his to not pay any?


----------



## walkonmars

Worst case she's be unemployed a month or two, by the time the divorce is settled she'll have another job. Unless she really likes standing in line at the welfare office - then more line-time at the unemployment line.


----------



## Hicks

chapparal said:


> Do you know this as a fact? This advice keeps coming up and somone else shoots it down. Can she quit her job to get more alimony? Can he quit his to not pay any?


That's why he needs to see a lawyer.
Each state is different. Each unique case is different.

IF a man quits his job to avoid C.S. the courts will base CS on what he should be making.

IF a wife not working she will nearly automatically get primary legal and physical custody of kids. If she is working and a man can document that he is a primary care giver, he has snowball's chance of getting primary custody and receiving C.S from the wife.


----------



## Rckbttm

Hicks said:


> That's why he needs to see a lawyer.
> Each state is different. Each unique case is different.
> 
> IF a man quits his job to avoid C.S. the courts will base CS on what he should be making.
> 
> IF a wife not working she will nearly automatically get primary legal and physical custody of kids. If she is working and a man can document that he is a primary care giver, he has snowball's chance of getting primary custody and receiving C.S from the wife.


That is the situation. I was told that I dont want her to lose her job because I need her working. More work more travel more time shes gone. She just left today for another few days. I want her out but she has nowhere to go really until she finds a place and she keeps rubbing the affair in my face like its my fault! i want to pack her sh*t and have it sitting in the garage when she get back.


----------



## turnera

Do it.


----------



## Acabado

Shaggy said:


> By not notifying the OMs company you are enabling the affair to continue.


It doesn't go necessarily against his goals. As a matter of fact it could be more than convenient. It's enterely possible the more attached and fogged she becomes the more easily he can get rid of her.
After catching your spouse cheating I'm all about being selfish.
More time she's working and traveling there might mean more chances to get a great custody/CS agreement if OP argues stability for the children.


----------



## Hicks

I agree. Planning for divorce and trying to kill an affair are two different things.

I would calll the police, tell them that your wife is cheating, took off to be with her boyfriend, and that you are going to change the locks and ask them if they have any issues with that. I would then install a survelleince camera or at least voice recorders about my property to avoid getting false DV filed on you when she comes back and freaks out.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Hicks said:


> I agree. Planning for divorce and trying to kill an affair are two different things.
> 
> I would calll the police, tell them that your wife is cheating, took off to be with her boyfriend, and that you are going to change the locks and ask them if they have any issues with that. I would then install a survelleince camera or at least voice recorders about my property to avoid getting false DV filed on you when she comes back and freaks out.


I doubt you can do that. I think there are certain eviction rules (such as 30 day notification etc) especially since the wife may be an owner.


Most BS usually just do it anyway without advising the police because not too many WS really report it. The WS usually does end up going somewhere else.


----------



## Tron

Rckbttm said:


> That is the situation. I was told that I dont want her to lose her job because I need her working. More work more travel more time shes gone. She just left today for another few days. I want her out but she has nowhere to go really until she finds a place and she keeps rubbing the affair in my face like its my fault! i want to pack her sh*t and have it sitting in the garage when she get back.





Acabado said:


> It doesn't go necessarily against his goals. As a matter of fact it could be more than convenient. It's enterely possible the more attached and fogged she becomes the more easily he can get rid of her.
> After catching your spouse cheating I'm all about being selfish.
> More time she's working and traveling there might mean more chances to get a great custody/CS agreement if OP argues stability for the children.


Rckbttm, Like I mentioned previously, if you are 100% done with this woman you need to think strategically for the long-term. Yeah it might feel good in the short term to have her a$$ fired, but that is going to cost you in CS and SS if she doesn't find a job or replace that income. Exposure to work is definitely in the cards for a BS who is trying to shock a WS out of the fog. So far, that isn't you and her staying in the fog as long as possible may work to your benefit. I am 99.9% sure your attorney is going to think strategically long term and give you this same advice. 

And all you guys saying expose expose expose. While it makes for good drama on the Board, if there are legitimate strategic reasons not to expose then you don't do it. It will hurt you in the long run. It is the reason Eric didn't expose his WW. Rckbttm makes a lot more money that his WW and will have some of the same issues in Oregon that Eric had in Cali. Spousal support will be painful...and right now, if he doesn't expose, Rckbttm is on a path to receive child support and have no spousal support obligations to his WW...especially if she stays in the fog. 

Keep doing what your doing Rckbttm. You got this!


----------



## Chaparral

Tron said:


> Rckbttm, Like I mentioned previously, if you are 100% done with this woman you need to think strategically for the long-term. Yeah it might feel good in the short term to have her a$$ fired, but that is going to cost you in CS and SS if she doesn't find a job or replace that income. Exposure to work is definitely in the cards for a BS who is trying to shock a WS out of the fog. So far, that isn't you and her staying in the fog as long as possible may work to your benefit. I am 99.9% sure your attorney is going to think strategically long term and give you this same advice.
> 
> And all you guys saying expose expose expose. While it makes for good drama on the Board, if there are legitimate strategic reasons not to expose then you don't do it. It will hurt you in the long run. It is the reason Eric didn't expose his WW. Rckbttm makes a lot more money that his WW and will have some of the same issues in Oregon that Eric had in Cali. Spousal support will be painful...and right now, if he doesn't expose, Rckbttm is on a path to receive child support and have no spousal support obligations to his WW...especially if she stays in the fog.
> 
> Keep doing what your doing Rckbttm. You got this!


----------



## Chaparral

Tron said:


> Rckbttm, Like I mentioned previously, if you are 100% done with this woman you need to think strategically for the long-term. Yeah it might feel good in the short term to have her a$$ fired, but that is going to cost you in CS and SS if she doesn't find a job or replace that income. Exposure to work is definitely in the cards for a BS who is trying to shock a WS out of the fog. So far, that isn't you and her staying in the fog as long as possible may work to your benefit. I am 99.9% sure your attorney is going to think strategically long term and give you this same advice.
> 
> And all you guys saying expose expose expose. While it makes for good drama on the Board, if there are legitimate strategic reasons not to expose then you don't do it. It will hurt you in the long run. It is the reason Eric didn't expose his WW. Rckbttm makes a lot more money that his WW and will have some of the same issues in Oregon that Eric had in Cali. Spousal support will be painful...and right now, if he doesn't expose, Rckbttm is on a path to receive child support and have no spousal support obligations to his WW...especially if she stays in the fog.
> 
> Keep doing what your doing Rckbttm. You got this!


Its insulting for you to suggest posters are giving advice to create drama. In other words for their own entertainment. Exposure is not for revenge.

For me, not stopping a family member in an adulterous affair is cowardly.

If getting fired for adultery actually benifits the adulterer, there is sreiously something wrong with the culture in that state..........or you have a bad attorney.


----------



## Rckbttm

chapparal said:


> Its insulting for you to suggest posters are giving advice to create drama. In other words for their own entertainment. Exposure is not for revenge.
> 
> For me, not stopping a family member in an adulterous affair is cowardly.
> 
> If getting fired for adultery actually benifits the adulterer, there is sreiously something wrong with the culture in that state..........or you have a bad attorney.


Well the problem is that its a no fault state and since i cant use the OM against her I have to show that she has not been physically present in the home due to her schedule, etc..Its only the point that shes gone and not the why that makes the difference here. I would expose in a heartbeat if I was 100% certain it would not effect my outcome. I am trying to give her enough rope to have her hang herself at this point.


----------



## turnera

Tron said:


> And all you guys saying expose expose expose. While it makes for good drama on the Board, if there are legitimate strategic reasons not to expose then you don't do it. It will hurt you in the long run. It is the reason Eric didn't expose his WW.


Actually, Eric did expose his wife - to her parents. And it effectively ended his drama by legitimizing his kicking her out. He just didn't expose to her work because he didn't want her back. Exposure is done to save a marriage, not revenge. So if you don't want to save the marriage, there's no need to expose and we DON'T always then say expose expose expose.


----------



## Hicks

chapparal said:


> Its insulting for you to suggest posters are giving advice to create drama. In other words for their own entertainment. Exposure is not for revenge.
> 
> For me, not stopping a family member in an adulterous affair is cowardly. .



He's doing the only thing guaranteed to stop an affair - DIVORCE. Why not make the divorce as best possible for the husband and kids? It takes courage to act in the way rockbottom is acting.



chapparal said:


> If getting fired for adultery actually benifits the adulterer, there is sreiously something wrong with the culture in that state..........or you have a bad attorney.


So why does Rockbottom have to be the crusader for unfair laws? You can crusade against the unfair laws, but let rockbottom is electing to optimize his outcome within the laws as they currently are written and enforced.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

For what its worth, I assume there are more BS, who have finalized D, that think they should have exposed far and wide then BS who think they should have not.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Scared ****less*



Hicks said:


> So why does Rockbottom have to be the crusader for unfair laws? You can crusade against the unfair laws, but let rockbottom is electing to optimize his outcome within the laws as they currently are written and enforced.


Maybe because when this is all said and donehe needs to be able to look in the mirror and like what he sees? Ultimately it's his decision though.


----------



## Tron

I get it guys, I really do. Chap, Turnera, BFree...you guys are absolutely right to expose to family and friends quickly and you guys do a GREAT job with the advice you give. The BS needs the support of their family and friends and it is important to let everyone else close to the family know what a POS the WS is. Expose them for what they are, liars and cheaters. Exposing a workplace affair at the workplace on the other hand needs special consideration because there are significant financial implications that can affect the BS. Having a WS fired at their job can be good and bad. Emotionally, yeah it feels good to see the WS's life implode. They deserve what they get. But if the BS can sit back and make the the POSWS pay for their mistake for years and years...don't you think that that is just as sweet? And it would be very bad to get them fired for what they did and then have to pay them spousal support on top of it because they lost their job. That is essentially financing and enabling the WS to continue the affair. Eh, NO THANK YOU! 

I am not Rckbttm, but if I was and could get what he should in this D, then yeah I think I could easily look myself in the mirror every day. I could easily say "you know what, all our family and friends know what a POS she is and I could have destroyed that b!tch's life. Instead I get my kids every day, I have our family home, I make 3 or more times what she makes, my life is going to be so much better and so much richer than hers 1 year, 5 years, 10 years from now...and to top that all off, she sends me a check for $xxxx every month for the privilege of taking care of my own kids." Yeah...I think I could live that. Hicks is right. In no-fault states with spousal support, you have to be much smarter about how you handle exposure.


Rckbttm, How did your consult go?


----------



## bfree

Why is it that people keep saying that exposing someone at work will cause them to be terminated let alone have any financial impact at all. It keeps being repeated but I've seen no evidence that it's true. Not one study. Not one article. Not even one example. There are several threads here on TAM where the cheater was exposed and it had little or no effect on the financials. And those BS's are always glad they did because they can look in the mirror and know that they held onto their honor and self respect. I hear many times that lawyers advise against it but that's not surprising considering their agenda. I also hear a lot of betrayed spouses saying they don't want to take a chance. But many times it's the lack of initiative or definitive action that often contribute to the situation occurring in the first place. So obviously the OP is going to handle his business the way he sees fit but can anyone point me to proof that exposure is a bad thing?


----------



## tom67

bfree said:


> Why is it that people keep saying that exposing someone at work will cause them to be terminated let alone have any financial impact at all. It keeps being repeated but I've seen no evidence that it's true. Not one study. Not one article. Not even one example. There are several threads here on TAM where the cheater was exposed and it had little or no effect on the financials. And those BS's are always glad they did because they can look in the mirror and know that they held onto their honor and self respect. I hear many times that lawyers advise against it but that's not surprising considering their agenda. I also hear a lot of betrayed spouses saying they don't want to take a chance. But many times it's the lack of initiative or definitive action that often contribute to the situation occurring in the first place. So obviously the OP is going to handle his business the way he sees fit but can anyone point me to proof that exposure is a bad thing?


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Tron

bfree said:


> Why is it that people keep saying that exposing someone at work will cause them to be terminated let alone have any financial impact at all.


:scratchhead: Maybe Logic.




bfree said:


> It keeps being repeated but I've seen no evidence that it's true. Not one study. Not one article. Not even one example. There are several threads here on TAM where the cheater was exposed and it had little or no effect on the financials. And those BS's are always glad they did because they can look in the mirror and know that they held onto their honor and self respect.


I would like to see a study on that. Might be difficult to run because facts and state laws are all over the place. That along with the sexual harassment laws.




bfree said:


> I hear many times that lawyers advise against it but that's not surprising considering their agenda. I also hear a lot of betrayed spouses saying they don't want to take a chance.


What might that agenda be? The one to effectively represent their client and protect their client's interests to the best of their ability? Or that they all just want to separate you from your money?  Granted, there are some sleezy lawyers out there, but hopefully you or Rckbttm screens them to find one that is reputable and has your best interest at heart. Are you really that cynical?




bfree said:


> But many times it's the lack of initiative or definitive action that often contribute to the situation occurring in the first place. So obviously the OP is going to handle his business the way he sees fit but can anyone point me to proof that exposure is a bad thing?


By the time the BS gets on TAM the lack of initiative argument is really moot. There are a number of reasons people cheat on their spouses as well as many reasons why the betrayed never suspect it but should. 

All I am saying is that sometimes there are good reasons not to expose in the workplace before the D is final. In Rckbttm's case, it is the laws of Oregon. If he lived in Texas my advice would be to fire away and go nuclear, job be damned...prove the affair and get your extra 10 percent. You would like it down here, it's a TAMers dream.


----------



## bfree

Tron said:


> :scratchhead: Maybe Logic.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I would like to see a study on that. Might be difficult to run because facts and state laws are all over the place. That along with the sexual harassment laws.
> 
> 
> *Possibly but I have seen studies of other issues that I would have thought would have been more difficult. I suspect the reason there is no study is because there is nothing to study. In other words it has no appreciable effect. If you would like to find a study or even one case where exposure caused an issue I would love to see it.*
> 
> What might that agenda be? The one to effectively represent their client and protect their client's interests to the best of their ability? Or that they all just want to separate you from your money?  Granted, there are some sleezy lawyers out there, but hopefully you or Rckbttm screens them to find one that is reputable and has your best interest at heart. Are you really that cynical?
> 
> 
> *Cynicism has nothing to do with it. Realism is the word of the day. Lawyers are charged with facilitating divorces. Plain and simple. Anything that doesn't assist them in that task is discouraged. They are not concerned with the health and well being of their clients. They don't care about mind movies, triggers, self esteem, honor, respect, etc. So asking a lawyer about exposure is going to elicit a predictable answer.*
> 
> By the time the BS gets on TAM the lack of initiative argument is really moot. There are a number of reasons people cheat on their spouses as well as many reasons why the betrayed never suspect it but should.
> 
> *How many betrayed spouses come here in shock and unable to react effectively. Probably all of them or close to it. Analysis paralysis is rampant. Not exposing is simply the same condition in my opinion. BS's are so busy calculating the ramifications of exposure vs. non-exposure that they just don't do it. How many threads running on TAM right now where the OP didn't expose because they wanted to use it as leverage or they didn't want to upset their spouse in order to get a better settlement. It has never worked. Yet each and every spouse that did expose is thankful and happy they did. Again, I welcome an opposing view so show me a thread where the OP didn't expose and is happy or an OP that did expose and is sorry.*
> 
> All I am saying is that sometimes there are good reasons not to expose in the workplace before the D is final. In Rckbttm's case, it is the laws of Oregon. If he lived in Texas my advice would be to fire away and go nuclear, job be damned...prove the affair and get your extra 10 percent. You would like it down here, it's a TAMers dream.
> 
> *What are those reasons because each one that I can think of has been proven wrong. It doesn't matter whether a state has no fault divorces or not. There is simply no real reason not to expose other than the avoidance of the act itself. There is no financial implications that I can see. There is no advantage when it comes to the disposition of the other party as they all tend to go for the jugular anyway. The only reason not to expose is because you just don't want to bother. That is the decision that each individual has to live with.*


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Scared ****less*



JustPuzzled said:


> Where D is no fault any action that diminishes the income of the other spouse will have an effect on the settlement.
> 
> Expose to end the affair and gain support from friends and family. Do not expose (in a no fault jurisdiction) if it affects income. For many BSs there can be hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake.


So if a spouse is gainfully employable and loses their job they'll stay unemployed the entire 6 months to a year it takes for the divorce to become final? What's to stop someone from quitting their job or intentially getting fired until after the divorce in order to cut down or eliminate child support and alimony payments? If you're going to say that a spouse that loses a job due to exposure is different I'd like to know how since an employer cannot terminate an employee unless they violate company fraternization policy in which case they caused their own unemployment. And if a spouse is the cause for their own unemployment then I believe the judge awards money based on prior employment. So where is the financial harm in exposure again?


----------



## walkonmars

bfree said:


> So if a spouse is gainfully employable and loses their job they'll stay unemployed the entire 6 months to a year it takes for the divorce to become final? What's to stop someone from quitting their job until after the divorce in order to cut down or eliminate child support and alimony payments? If you're going to say that a spouse that loses a job due to exposure is different I'd like to know how since an employer cannot terminate an employee unless they violate company fraternization policy in which case they caused their own unemployment. And if a spouse is the cause for their own unemployment then I believe the judge awards money based on prior employment. So where is the financial harm in exposure again?


:iagree:
Exactamundo


----------



## golfergirl

bfree said:


> So if a spouse is gainfully employable and loses their job they'll stay unemployed the entire 6 months to a year it takes for the divorce to become final? What's to stop someone from quitting their job or intentially getting fired until after the divorce in order to cut down or eliminate child support and alimony payments? If you're going to say that a spouse that loses a job due to exposure is different I'd like to know how since an employer cannot terminate an employee unless they violate company fraternization policy in which case they caused their own unemployment. And if a spouse is the cause for their own unemployment then I believe the judge awards money based on prior employment. So where is the financial harm in exposure again?


All I know is not due to affair, exposing or anything - my ex voluntarily quit his job because he disagreed with the politics of the employer. He reduced income from 85,000 a year to 24,000 a year unemployment wage. He turned down a 50,000 a year job. He took me to court and successfully had child support reduced to the 24,000 a year income level. Depends on the weather and what's up the judge's ass that day. Too many variables when it comes to imputing income. I personally wouldn't mess with status quo til after settlement. As far as OP looking in the mirror - he did nothing wrong. Strategizing doesn't make him weak. What is the benefit vs risk of exposure at work? Benefit - look in mirror. Risk - wife loses job. With that job loss goes his edge about her job taking her away with travel - so custody is more of a battle. Loss of job impacts spousal support and child support based on custody outcome. Hmmm I'd rather look in the mirror and say I did the best for my kids than exposing the cheater. OP's choice - he has to live with outcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

bfree said:


> Why is it that people keep saying that exposing someone at work will cause them to be terminated let alone have any financial impact at all. It keeps being repeated but I've seen no evidence that it's true. Not one study. Not one article. Not even one example. There are several threads here on TAM where the cheater was exposed and it had little or no effect on the financials. And those BS's are always glad they did because they can look in the mirror and know that they held onto their honor and self respect. I hear many times that lawyers advise against it but that's not surprising considering their agenda. I also hear a lot of betrayed spouses saying they don't want to take a chance. But many times it's the lack of initiative or definitive action that often contribute to the situation occurring in the first place. So obviously the OP is going to handle his business the way he sees fit but can anyone point me to proof that exposure is a bad thing?



Agree , there is far to much scare mongering about work exposures .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree

golfergirl said:


> All I know is not due to affair, exposing or anything - my ex voluntarily quit his job because he disagreed with the politics of the employer. He reduced income from 85,000 a year to 24,000 a year unemployment wage. He turned down a 50,000 a year job. He took me to court and successfully had child support reduced to the 24,000 a year income level. Depends on the weather and what's up the judge's ass that day. Too many variables when it comes to imputing income. I personally wouldn't mess with status quo til after settlement. As far as OP looking in the mirror - he did nothing wrong. Strategizing doesn't make him weak. What is the benefit vs risk of exposure at work? Benefit - look in mirror. Risk - wife loses job. With that job loss goes his edge about her job taking her away with travel - so custody is more of a battle. Loss of job impacts spousal support and child support based on custody outcome. Hmmm I'd rather look in the mirror and say I did the best for my kids than exposing the cheater. OP's choice - he has to live with outcome.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I'm not saying the OP did anything wrong. All I was saying is if a BS feels they need to expose at the cheater's workplace they should do so otherwise they will always be wishing they did. When faced with a difficult situation like this regret is a very powerful emotion. If there is a question as to whether someone should be exposed at work my opinion is that financials shouldn't be the determining factor. Because as you said there are too many variables anyway. In your situation you didn't expose and still got screwed anyway. So if a BS thinks they should expose they should do so. Its always very easy to convince yourself to follow a plan of inaction. And trying to guage the mental state and thought patterns of a WS is a lost cause from the start. If I expose she'll hate me and try to take everything I have. Or...if I expose she'll lose her support network and be more agreeable without all those toxic supporters whispering in her ear. There are always pros and cons to everything but all I'm saying is that I've never seen it matter one way or another. So if the need to do it is there....do it.

And I'm sorry for what your ex did. It should not have happened. Someone should not be allowed to play the system like that. You got a lousy judge.


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## Chaparral

JustPuzzled said:


> Where D is no fault any action that diminishes the income of the other spouse will have an effect on the settlement.
> 
> Expose to end the affair and gain support from friends and family. Do not expose (in a no fault jurisdiction) if it affects income. For many BSs there can be hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake.


Saying it doesn't make it so. Repeating it doesn't make it so. What is your source of info on this. You are making a claim. Prove it.


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## Chaparral

golfergirl said:


> All I know is not due to affair, exposing or anything - my ex voluntarily quit his job because he disagreed with the politics of the employer. He reduced income from 85,000 a year to 24,000 a year unemployment wage. He turned down a 50,000 a year job. He took me to court and successfully had child support reduced to the 24,000 a year income level. Depends on the weather and what's up the judge's ass that day. Too many variables when it comes to imputing income. I personally wouldn't mess with status quo til after settlement. As far as OP looking in the mirror - he did nothing wrong. Strategizing doesn't make him weak. What is the benefit vs risk of exposure at work? Benefit - look in mirror. Risk - wife loses job. With that job loss goes his edge about her job taking her away with travel - so custody is more of a battle. Loss of job impacts spousal support and child support based on custody outcome. Hmmm I'd rather look in the mirror and say I did the best for my kids than exposing the cheater. OP's choice - he has to live with outcome.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm curious as to how you would rate your attorney compared to the other attorney. If your husband refuses to work, he doesn't have to pay? In this state not paying child support gets you locked up.


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## Chaparral

I will say it, infidelity is off the charts. Its a national disaster. Laws have been written, by folks whose agenda is questionable, to make it easy.

What makes it worse is people who can fight it do nothing but scurry away like mice when the lights come on. 

As a matter of fact it is worse than that. I would expose and everything else I could to destroy any individual that scr×wed with my family. What I regularly see around here is tantamount to slapping the affair partner on the back, wishing him well and hoping he takes good care of the betrayed spouse kids as their new daddy.


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## bfree

chapparal said:


> I'm curious as to how you would rate your attorney compared to the other attorney. If your husband refuses to work, he doesn't have to pay? *In this state not paying child support gets you locked up*.


That is what I was always led to believe as well.


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## Thoreau

bfree said:


> That is what I was always led to believe as well.


He IS paying, just at a reduced rate commensurate with his lowered income.:scratchhead:


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## Chaparral

And another thing, my heroes are the men and women that expose, confont the ap, put them on cheaterville, put them on billboards, expose to the omw/omh, put them on a billboard and sue the ap.

We have posters that do not have the common decency to let the other betrayed spouse know what is going on. I have been around a long time and I have yet to see where knuckling under has worked out for anybody in the long run.

There seems to be a common denominator among those that do not fight, their problems and their results. That why, for the men, MMSLP, is always recommended. I wish there was c

A comparable resource for the women.


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## bfree

Thoreau said:


> He IS paying, just at a reduced rate commensurate with his lowered income.:scratchhead:


But he purposely reduced his income and worked to keep it low. My understanding is that this is not allowed and judges usually will not change the alimony and child support payments in cases such as this.


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## bfree

chapparal said:


> And another thing, my heroes are the men and women that expose, confont the ap, put them on cheaterville, put them on billboards, expose to the omw/omh, put them on a billboard and sue the ap.
> 
> We have posters that do not have the common decency to let the other betrayed spouse know what is going on. I have been around a long time and I have yet to see where knuckling under has worked out for anybody in the long run.
> 
> There seems to be a common denominator among those that do not fight, their problems and their results. That why, for the men, MMSLP, is always recommended. I wish there was c
> 
> *A comparable resource for the women*.


I've perused Athol's site and from what I gather many women are adapting his methods for their own use. And if what I read is true Athol is working on another project that will apply more to women and men collectively.


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## Thoreau

bfree said:


> But he purposely reduced his income and worked to keep it low. My understanding is that this is not allowed and judges usually will not change the alimony and child support payments in cases such as this.


I understood her to say he quit his job for political reasons, not to purposely reduce his income.


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## bfree

Thoreau said:


> I understood her to say he quit his job for political reasons, not to purposely reduce his income.


Read her post again. She said he disagreed with his employers politics. So in essence I take this as he just decided that he no longer liked working there. That's on him. And then he turned down a $50,000/yr job as well. Come on. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see what he was doing. In the end all he did was hurt his children. That's not acceptable in my book.


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## gonefishin

I think you did the right thing, by driving her to the airport. If she wants to repair the marriage have her sign a post nup. She is the one who broke the original contract.
Take the high road, dont be scared, be the adult be a leader. She wants to fix things. If she will not sign a post nup then she is just yanking your chain. What ever you do not follow her every move like a scared little puppy. You did the right thing by taking her to the airport. It is her life, if she wants to flush her marriage down the ****ter, there is not much you can do about it.


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## Thoreau

bfree said:


> Read her post again. She said he disagreed with his employers politics. *So in essence I take this as he just decided that he no longer liked working there.* That's on him. And then he turned down a $50,000/yr job as well. Come on. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see what he was doing. In the end all he did was hurt his children. That's not acceptable in my book.



That is pure conjecture. Perhaps his employer joined the Communist party? 

And we don't know the details of the 50k job. Maybe it was a 3 hour commute?

I once declined a job paying nearly 180k US after learning my services would be used to train personnel with ties to terrorist activities in the UK. 

Thread HJ over....sorry OP.


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## golfergirl

chapparal said:


> I'm curious as to how you would rate your attorney compared to the other attorney. If your husband refuses to work, he doesn't have to pay? In this state not paying child support gets you locked up.


My attorney sucked and he represented himself. How's that for a kick in the head. No grounds to re-do anything - case law is sketchy and judge just decided to go against me. Our son was 15 at the time and the $4000 it cost in court for me couldn't be recouped in the 2 1/2 years left of support even if I challenged and was successful. The judge did give him a time-line where I could come back to court and he was expected to find something better paying. I thought, 'oh great, I get a chance to spend another $4000'. My lawyers error, I believe was my ex had 83 pages of affidavit (and lies) outlining in his opinion, my hindering his access. I had the police reports, CPS reports, and counselor reports proving him lying. My lawyer said not to bother addressing his 83 pages as it is not relevant to child support. In hindsight, I should have submitted it and let the judge decide. I think he read my exes document - didn't see response from me and hated me on site. Oh we'll - lesson learned. 3 months left of child support as son turns 18 right away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

golfergirl said:


> My attorney sucked and he represented himself. How's that for a kick in the head. No grounds to re-do anything - case law is sketchy and judge just decided to go against me. Our son was 15 at the time and the $4000 it cost in court for me couldn't be recouped in the 2 1/2 years left of support even if I challenged and was successful. The judge did give him a time-line where I could come back to court and he was expected to find something better paying. I thought, 'oh great, I get a chance to spend another $4000'. My lawyers error, I believe was my ex had 83 pages of affidavit (and lies) outlining in his opinion, my hindering his access. I had the police reports, CPS reports, and counselor reports proving him lying. My lawyer said not to bother addressing his 83 pages as it is not relevant to child support. In hindsight, I should have submitted it and let the judge decide. I think he read my exes document - didn't see response from me and hated me on site. Oh we'll - lesson learned. 3 months left of child support as son turns 18 right away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This seems to refute your arguement, thogh the judge should have been looking out for your son whatever he thought of you. You should have reported your attorney to the bar.


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## Rckbttm

So its been a few weeks since ive posted, for whatever reason just havent been able to sit and put my thoughts into words with the crap I'm having to deal with. I'm exhausted emotionally to say the least. So here's where it stands. D is inevitable as we are looking at finalizing the judgment today, we are doing this without lawyers and have come to what I feel is a good situation for the kids and me at this point...if you can call it that. Keep in mind I was preparing for war though. Joint Custody(I was pushing for what is called joint with me having final overriding decision if we could not agree but she called BS to that) I keep house and everything in it, she gets newer car and a part of my retirement, I pay what were calling child care which is actually less than what the real figure would be had we gone the distance, and no Alimonie(she would actually get a Sh**tload). This may not sound great to some of you on TAM but where I'm located in a no fault, liberal as it gets state I would have been exposed to the high heavens according to legal advice with maybe a shot at full custody but not great. Keep in mind the kids were my main concern here and if I was guaranteed Sole I would have given her everything!! Taking it to the limit would have cost me plenty with most likely a joint situation in the end as RARELY would they give the father full custody unless I could prove without a doubt she is unfit which she is not according to the law...a backstabbing, cheating, lieing, b*tch she IS though but that holds no weight in my case. In all reality it is what is best for the kids as they do love and need there mother.

Heres whats been the tough part, I cant kick her out by law for 30 days so she has been living here on the couch bouncing around looking toward her great new life with the OM! She hopes we can still be friends for the kids sake though(puke)! No remorse whatsoever to this point. 

I've pretty much exposed to all with the exception of going full tilt at her work. Although her losing her job would make me smile tremendously it doesnt help my situation nor my kids. Plus she would then go for the throat with nothing to lose. Besides, there is no way I would ever take her back at this point. The thing i laugh about is she is so pissed that I have told her friends and feels that its not my job to do that its hers! She says I'm a psycho and her close friends think so too..funny right? I often ask her how she would handle it given my situation with always the response of..."I dont know" ...go figure!


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## LostViking

Get her to agree and move foreward with the D. Its sounds like you have done the best you can. 

When she is gone and the dust clears, you can start to heal. Soon you will notice how much your life is improving without her negative energy draining you. 

You will come out on top of this one day... just wait and see.


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## Chaparral

No exposure no marriage. Seems to be a common outcome. 

Good luck.


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## Rckbttm

LostViking said:


> Get her to agree and move foreward with the D. Its sounds like you have done the best you can.
> 
> When she is gone and the dust clears, you can start to heal. Soon you will notice how much your life is improving without her negative energy draining you.
> 
> You will come out on top of this one day... just wait and see.


Thanks LV. I am holding on to that very thought.


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## Rckbttm

chapparal said:


> No exposure no marriage. Seems to be a common outcome.
> 
> Good luck.


In my case yes, I made the mistake of not seeing this site after the first DDAY and did evereything wrong. Had I, I would have exposed for the world to see but instead blamed myself for the affair and went nine months thinking i was fixing things while she was only making her committment to the OM even stronger when DDay#2 hit. Lesson learned the hard way but there is no way I can stay with someone who has such disregard for another person you have been with for ten years and two children.


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## Acabado

Be sure she can't decide tomorrow morning she's going to move away (closer to OM) and take the kids!. In writting.
Don't buy whetevee she says NOW about she "knows" staying here is the best for the kids. She can change mind tomorrow as she changed her mind about you and the marriage.


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## turnera

Yes, get it in writing that she can NOT move the kids outside a 10-mile radius without your written permission.


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## In_The_Wind

Rock just think 2 cheaters its only a matter of time !!! just sit back get on in your life!! and enjoy the show and take care of your kids 

Good Luck


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## Chaparral

In_The_Wind said:


> Rock just think 2 cheaters its only a matter of time !!! just sit back get on in your life!! and enjoy the show and take care of your kids
> 
> Good Luck


I'm aquainted with two serial cheaters who have now married each other. They both know what the other did.

Every time I see her ex I have to find out if they are still married. Are we there yet? Are we there yet?


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## Shaggy

Your letting her move away with the kids?


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## Rckbttm

Shaggy said:


> Your letting her move away with the kids?


No, she is getting rental here close to our home now so the kids have the same location for school and doesnt mess them up too much.


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## Shaggy

Rckbttm said:


> No, she is getting rental here close to our home now so the kids have the same location for school and doesnt mess them up too much.


But why would the kids move with her st all? She's the cheater that abandoned the family. She goes, they stay.


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## Rckbttm

turnera said:


> Yes, get it in writing that she can NOT move the kids outside a 10-mile radius without your written permission.


The law here states cannot move more than 60miles without other paretns consent otherwise it goes to mediation and then court if no in agreement. I do liek the 10 mile idea however!


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## turnera

Well, YOU are writing your own divorce agreement, so you can put anything in there you both agree to.


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## Rckbttm

So something happeend last night I was not expecting that i would like some feedback on! 
Came home from work and the STBXW mentioned she wanted to alter the judgement on the divorce prior to signing, she felt that I was not being honest about moneys and that with all of the exposure i did cannot trust me to do the fair thing and that all of her friends and colleagues are telling her to get an attourney and that he's taking advantage of you, etc. That conversation segwayed into a three hour back and forth emotional rollercoaster on our marriage and why she had the A with OM and that she did still love me but I am not capable of loving her the way she needs and havent for years and thats why we are here, etc. All she wanted was for me to love her the way a man should love there wife telling them each and every day how important they are, etc. She doesnt want me to hate her and she wants to be friends at least for the kids sake. Although I will not ever agree that what she did justifies how she was feeling towards our relationship she still seems confused like she loves both me and the OM and doesnt want to lose either!? Thats why she couldnt tell me about he A because she didnt want to lose me or the kids but could not let go of the OM either! Is this typical for cheaters? Is this false R possibly? Im just a little awed and not sure how to process it quite yet.


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## turnera

It's 100% pure Script. Nearly EVERY cheater says the exact same thing. Have you educated yourself on cheaters? What they say? How they act? She is 100% pure cheater script.

It's this simple: Has she showed utter humility at what she did? Has she done everything you ask for and more, to prove how ashamed and remorseful she is? Has she gone to your parents and hers and apologized for what she did? Has she set up a MC and begged you to go with her? Has she set up an IC to see why she could cheat? Has she given you all her passwords and handed you her phone at random times for you to check? Has she stopped hoarding her phone? Has she stopped going out with friends? Has she stopped all communication with all other men?

No? Then she's blowing smoke up your ass and trying to guilt you into giving her more STUFF in the divorce.

Ignore her.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Beat her to the punch and get your own attorney.

(Be sure to get a barracuda or a shark.)


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## The bishop

she has been and continues to play you really good. This is coming from a cheater who knows the cheater "script" to-a-t.

You need to start taking back control of your own life.


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## dubsey

a simple "if we bring in an attorney, I'll be going after the kids full time and we both lose money and we'll both come out behind" should slow her down.

I'd quit talking about your marriage itself. Next time it comes up, just say "you ruined that. how/why is now irrelevant"


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## Rckbttm

turnera said:


> It's 100% pure Script. Nearly EVERY cheater says the exact same thing. Have you educated yourself on cheaters? What they say? How they act? She is 100% pure cheater script.
> 
> It's this simple: Has she showed utter humility at what she did? Has she done everything you ask for and more, to prove how ashamed and remorseful she is? Has she gone to your parents and hers and apologized for what she did? Has she set up a MC and begged you to go with her? Has she set up an IC to see why she could cheat? Has she given you all her passwords and handed you her phone at random times for you to check? Has she stopped hoarding her phone? Has she stopped going out with friends? Has she stopped all communication with all other men?
> 
> No? Then she's blowing smoke up your ass and trying to guilt you into giving her more STUFF in the divorce.
> 
> Ignore her.


See, thats what I was thinking but wanted to get some first hand feedback on this.


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

If she starts to ask for more than she is entitled to or you are willing to give, then it is time to lawyer-up. You may need and want to abandom the agreement you two were working on together as it sounds like your W will be asking for more and you will be bargaining down from the original agreement. It will take time, but if renegotiation will be taking place, you would be better off asking for full custody and filing for D with the reason of adultery. Inform your W that you plan to depose her AP and get her testimony under oath of her adultery. Tell her you won't budge on this since she choose to involve lawyers. Remind her that anybody can read the transcripts which include your children and someday they likely will.

This is all done to assist you with a better settlement. You can always modify your reason for D to mental cruelty if she agrees to more favorable terms for you down the road. Heck, you may bargain down to irreconcilable (sp?) differences if it favors you! It appears that her friends are trying to play attorney and advise her to milk you until you bleed. They've planted the seed that you MUST be hiding money somewhere. Financial disovery will be filed if she gets an attorney-->it sucks unless you are a solid record keeper and takes time to conjure-up old statements and bills. Be sure to also file for financial discovery on her. She will need to 'suffer' for getting an attorney and these tactics should help (they did for me). I say this assuming you are NOT hiding assets from your W?

Also, the assigned judge will be interested to hear that YOU attempted to settle on your own and that your W, who was a willing participant, withdrew because her friends and non-legal advisors told her to. The courts prefer that the parties agree to terms themselves rather then having a judge order every little detail of your D, marital settlement, and custody agreement. I hope she decides to renegotiate as this will cost some coin. If you make more then her, be prepared for her lawyer to ask (and maybe seek via court order) for a % of her legal fees...surprise!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree

Rckbttm said:


> So something happeend last night I was not expecting that i would like some feedback on!
> Came home from work and the STBXW mentioned she wanted to alter the judgement on the divorce prior to signing, she felt that I was not being honest about moneys and that with all of the exposure i did cannot trust me to do the fair thing and that all of her friends and colleagues are telling her to get an attourney and that he's taking advantage of you, etc.


And there it is.

I was hoping that your situation would be different from all the rest but obviously its not. Her friends are convincing her that the system will work in her favor and she can take you to the cleaners. Unfortunately they're right. I hope you are preparing yourself for a bumpy ride.


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## BK23

Time to lawyer up, dude. At the very least, schedule a consultation to get an idea of best and worst case scenarios.

Also you may still have some leverage in terms of child custody. Terrible to use your children as a bargaining chip, but at this point the gloves need to come off.


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## LongWalk

Rckbttm said:


> So something happeend last night I was not expecting that i would like some feedback on!
> Came home from work and the STBXW mentioned she wanted to alter the judgement on the divorce prior to signing, she felt that I was not being honest about moneys and that with all of the exposure i did cannot trust me to do the fair thing and that all of her friends and colleagues are telling her to get an attourney and that he's taking advantage of you, etc. That conversation segwayed into a three hour back and forth emotional rollercoaster on our marriage and why she had the A with OM and that she did still love me but I am not capable of loving her the way she needs and havent for years and thats why we are here, etc. All she wanted was for me to love her the way a man should love there wife telling them each and every day how important they are, etc. She doesnt want me to hate her and she wants to be friends at least for the kids sake. Assure her that you won't hate her; you just won't give shı†, but the sake of the kids, you'll be polite about your lack of feeling.Although I will not ever agree that what she did justifies how she was feeling towards our relationship she still seems confused like she loves both me and the OM and doesnt want to lose either!? Thats why she couldnt tell me about he A because she didnt want to lose me or the kids but could not let go of the OM either! Is this typical for cheaters? Is this false R possibly? Im just a little awed and not sure how to process it quite yet.


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## See_Listen_Love

Rckbttm said:


> So something happeend last night I was not expecting that i would like some feedback on!
> Came home from work and the STBXW mentioned she wanted to alter the judgement on the divorce prior to signing, she felt that I was not being honest about moneys and that with all of the exposure i did cannot trust me to do the fair thing and that all of her friends and colleagues are telling her to get an attourney and that he's taking advantage of you, etc. That conversation segwayed into a three hour back and forth emotional rollercoaster on our marriage and why she had the A with OM and that she did still love me but I am not capable of loving her the way she needs and havent for years and thats why we are here, etc. All she wanted was for me to love her the way a man should love there wife telling them each and every day how important they are, etc. She doesnt want me to hate her and she wants to be friends at least for the kids sake. Although I will not ever agree that what she did justifies how she was feeling towards our relationship she still seems confused like she loves both me and the OM and doesnt want to lose either!? Thats why she couldnt tell me about he A because she didnt want to lose me or the kids but could not let go of the OM either! Is this typical for cheaters? Is this false R possibly? Im just a little awed and not sure how to process it quite yet.





> Married for 10years to a fantastic wife and mother. 2 kids, 10yr old boy and 5yr old girl.




I read the importants parts again of your story, and I wonder if there is no possibility for R here.

She could be remorseful now. Seen that you have kids I would see how sincere she is about this. 

You know, she could be right about you not being the husband she needed. You could change, she could change.


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## warlock07

She sold you a crap load of bull****!! She wants you to love her like a real man does ?? Well, maybe she was but your wife is no lady. I don't remember your entire story but wasn't exposure at her work one of the cards for a better settlement ?

And yeah, she is probably having trouble in her paradise.


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## Chaparral

You should let her know that there will be no friendship after the divorce. No contact at all except for text/email. 

You will be moving on. What she wants is cake eating. What you want is your family.


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## Rckbttm

E=See_Listen_Love;1645579]I read the importants parts again of your story, and I wonder if there is no possibility for R here.

She could be remorseful now. Seen that you have kids I would see how sincere she is about this. 

You know, she could be right about you not being the husband she needed. You could change, she could change.[/QUOTE]

I did change actually after the first DDay, complete overhaul of how i may have been taking her for granted, overlooking the things she was needing emotionally, etc. I did have things to improve on to make a better and stronger marriage but she decided to cake eat while I was doing all of this with me, thinking I was building a new foundation for our relationship only to catch her again!! Waaay too much damage, lies, deciet has been done sorry to say. She is the most selffish human being i know! to do this to two little kids is beyond comprehesion to me...yet it happens every day... go figure.


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## Rckbttm

chapparal said:


> You should let her know that there will be no friendship after the divorce. No contact at all except for text/email.
> 
> You will be moving on. What she wants is cake eating. What you want is your family.


Thanks Chapparal, that is exactly how im planning on handling this.


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## See_Listen_Love

Rckbttm said:


> E=See_Listen_Love;1645579]I read the importants parts again of your story, and I wonder if there is no possibility for R here.
> 
> She could be remorseful now. Seen that you have kids I would see how sincere she is about this.
> 
> You know, she could be right about you not being the husband she needed. You could change, she could change.


I did change actually after the first DDay, complete overhaul of how i may have been taking her for granted, overlooking the things she was needing emotionally, etc. I did have things to improve on to make a better and stronger marriage but she decided to cake eat while I was doing all of this with me, thinking I was building a new foundation for our relationship only to catch her again!! Waaay too much damage, lies, deciet has been done sorry to say. She is the most selffish human being i know! to do this to two little kids is beyond comprehesion to me...yet it happens every day... go figure.[/QUOTE]

Yes, you are completely right, but it could be, like in some other cases that after dd2, and dd3..., there is a change in her.

You will know best, I can't see as you do, I hope for the best though.


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