# Please, please, please dont be too late!



## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

As far as I know my wife has filed for divorce.

Let me give you a little background to where we are now.

I have known my wife for 8 years, we have lived together for 6 years, and have been married for 2.5 years. Our relationship started with her dating my best friend, she made it obvious to everyone but him that she would like to be with me. Eventually we slept together. She eventually left him for me, then went back to him, and then back to me. This happened a couple of more times over the course of a year. I finally got tired of the games and the last time she came back I told her it was not going to work. I held my ground over the course of 6-8 weeks. She would come by my place of employment, randomly stop by my house after work. I ended up giving in and it has been the best 6 of my life... Until now.

We were inseparable we did everything together. We were living in the basement of my mother’s house and decided we should get our own place. So 4 years ago we were purchasing a house, I have excellent credit, she had poor credit. We could not make it happen on our own. We were 21 and 22 at the time. My dad signed with me so that it could happen. We lived there for a year and after the first 6 months my dad decided we would sell his place and move in with us. Him and I eventually had a falling out because he physically attacked me in front of her (He had an alcohol problem.) I ended up losing my driver’s license during this same period of time for traffic tickets. Also during this time I found out that my mother was dying of liver failure and the doctors gave her two years to live. 

After the attack from my dad we left in a hurry and got an apartment together. We lived there for 1.5 years while we got her credit on track and took the necessary steps to buy a house together. She would continually over draft her bank account so we closed it and had her checks deposited into my account. We would eventually add her to the account to make it a joint account but I handled all the cash flow. It has been very tight finically and this caused a lot of stress. We ended up having a house built and have lived there since last October. 

I thought everything had been going well, we would get into little arguments every once in a while but nothing to serious. She got off her birth control because she said it was affecting her hormones and she didn’t think she was herself. We would talk about children but I enforced the issue that I would like to wait until I have my driver’s license back, so that she won’t have to be responsible for all the errands once we have a child. She would still bring it up every once in a while but we never fought, or even raised our voices to each other while discussing it. 

The only serious fight we got into was in February, I found out that she opened a second bank account with discussing it with me and was have part of her checks automatically deposited into it. I was angry and hurt, I felt like I could not trust her if she would do such a thing. I thought it was something we should have talked about. I blew up and stated that I wanted a divorce, I did not feel I could trust her after that. I took her house key and said have a great day when we left that morning. After reflecting on it I realized I over reacted, and tried to apologize. She would not listen to me. I found out she was going bowling with a couple of our friends that night, so I took a taxi and met them at the bowling alley. She was surprised, we left together and went home and had make up sex. The next day everything seemed to blow over. That Monday she canceled the auto deposit into the other account and things seemed to go back to normal. I told her I would never say the "D" word again, and I havent.

7 weeks ago she had to go the doctor’s office for a checkup, she has been having some stomach/digestion issues. She came home from that and said she was not feeling good and could not eat. I tried to comfort her that week and do whatever I could to make her feel better. She acted like I was bothering her and didn’t want me to “smother” her. 

That Saturday I unexpectedly had to work. I was angry because I wanted to spend the day with her. We have not had any alone time in the last 6 months. A mutual friend of ours moved back into town, and his brother lives down the street from us. They seem to come over every day. I was really anticipating some alone time with her, she stated that the company always over was bothering her, and she was upset we had not done any type of date with just the two of us in a really long time. I thought that Saturday was going to be our day. So I go to work, come home and company shows up. I am angry and she could tell. She wanted to go hang out with one of her female friends and I wanted her to stay. I was trying to get the company to leave and she threw a fit. I left with the company for about and hour and then came home. They left and I had a horrible headache. I went straight to bed. 

The next day she didn’t want to talk to me much so I distanced myself and did house hold chores all day thinking she would notice and appreciate it. She never acknowledged. I left it at that, the next week things seem to be off and on. Fine one minute, then she would be upset the next. I asked her what was wrong, she said she was not happy. I asked what we could do to make it better she said “ I don’t know.” I knew she was interested in getting a tattoo so I brought that up, said we could go do it. She said and how long will that make me happy for, what will do after that to make me happy?

That Thursday we were sitting on the couch cuddling watching a movie together and then both decided to go to bed. Once we were in bed she told me "I am not happy, and want a divorce." I was shocked, crushed, and angry. I did not think that was what she meant by not happy. She had been really stressed out about work and she would complain almost daily. I thought that was where the problem was. I asked her why and what caused all of this. She said she has not been happy for the last year and she just cant handle it anymore. I was like a deer in the headlights.

I desperately tried to beg her to change her mind, with no success. We slept in the same bed that night. The next day she took a couple of things with her to work and stayed at a female co-workers house that night. The next day was a Saturday and she came to get the rest of her clothes, so she could move in with her parents. I had to leave for work while she was packing. She sent me a text message later that day and said she was in the Hospital (she has been having some medical issues with her stomach.) she told me not to worry and no need to visit. I was at the hospital 10 minutes later by her side, her mother was with her as well.

We talked every night after that. Sometimes I would call her, sometimes she would call me. I would always break down and beg her to come back, which would eventually turn into an argument. But every phone call always ended in an I love you from each of us. She asked me for some space so one weekend I did not contact her at all. I called her the following Monday and told her "I did not call you all over the weekend because it was what you requested, it was not out of spite." She said she understood and agreed to go to dinner with me the next evening.

She picked me up from work and we just ended up talking no dinner but she said " Im not ready to come back yet."

The next day she went on vacation with her parents for 5 days. It was the annual 4th of July trip we would go on together. No cell phone coverage so we did not talk the whole time. 

We had been looking at getting her a new car and set a budget of $10,000. The day after she got back from vacation she went and bought a car for $15,000. I was completely unaware of the situation until I seen a picture she posted on her facebook. I sent her a simple text message "New car looks nice, congratulations." She said "thank you, Ill call you later." which she did. We talked until her cell phone died, and then she called me back again about about an hour later, and we had talked for 45 minutes ore so. 

Later the next week she came over to get her mail. I tried talking to her about how I have changed and I'm the "old me" she wanted back. She got upset and it led to an argument. I told her we were married and she had to make a decision In or Out. I knew she had already got the divorce paperwork. She then began to argue with me and state that she wanted nothing to do with me. I said fine go get the paper work and lets get this over with. We both agreed on what items would be split what ways and completed the paper work and signed it.

I sent her a text message the next morning and stated that I did not think she was herself and that this is not what I wanted. We ended up agreeing to try counseling. I made the appointment and we visted the marriage counselor the next day the counselor diagnosed her with depression and anxiety issues. We both really liked her and agreed we would continue to go. The counselor suggested that she moves back in the next day. She said that she would. Later that night she called me and we talked just like old times. I asked if she was going to come back the next day, she said yes. At the end of the conversation I said good night, I love you and I will see you tomorrow. She said the same. I got up early that next day and cleaned the entire house… She never showed.

I called her that evening upset but calm and tried to talk to her about it, she stated “I don’t remember saying that I would come back.” I tried to recite the conversation with no success of her acknowledging that she did.

Two days later she called me at about 11:00pm and said " I'm sorry I have not been myself lately.” I accepted and we had a nice conversation. The next day she sent me a text message “GOOD MORNING! What are you doing after work?” I told her I had no plans and she asked if we could go to dinner, I agreed. We had a wonderful time and she stated that she needed some money for gas, she would not get paid for 4 more days. I gave her a hundred dollar bill, it was all I had on one me. She said it was more than enough and thank you.

The next day she picked me up early for counseling and we went and got ice cream before our appointment. We had a good time just sitting in her car eating ice cream and talking. At that session the counselor stated that she was wrong, my wife did not have depression, I did. She said she was looking further into my wife’s issues, we finished our session and she took me home. Once there her attitude completely changed and I was the bad guy, I have been the problem for the last year. I told her I’m sorry, now that I know I will do whatever it takes to cure my depression.

As I look back I do feel that I was a different person since I lost my driver’s license and found out that my mother was dying.

That Friday I asked her to go to dinner with me, as well pulled into the parking lot I suggested maybe we go bowling with some friends later that night. She instantly blew up and stated I was being too pushy, She doesn’t want to jump back into the relationship things. I tried talking to her about it and it just escalated from there. Never went in the restaurant, she just brought me and we tried to talk some more. She said “I will move back tomorrow, even if I’m not ready too. I will just F**king leave again.” She kissed me and left. 

The next day I called her midday to see how her day was going, she was with a female friend of hers that I do not like and she was being very short with me, and having an attitude. I said fine choose her over me and hung up. My wife then unfriended me on facebook. That was a Saturday.

That Monday she asked if she could come by the house and get some paperwork so she could register for school. (Something she stated I was holding her back from.) Even though I told her should start again this fall quarter and we would have the money necessary to make that happen. While getting the paperwork I asked her to help with partial of the next month’s house payment since I fully covered the one after she left and all the other bills as well. She came unglued and said everything was always about me and she was tired of it. Another argument broke out. After it was over she kissed me and left.

The next day she picked me up and dropped me off for a solo counseling session so I could work on my depression. She asked I needed a ride afterwards. I stated “No, you said you did not want to be with me anymore so I need to find a way to function without you. I will find another ride. Then I told her to go back to work so she didn’t over extend her lunch break.” She said OK.

The next day, last Wednesday she picked me up for a counseling session together. The counselor asked to speak with her alone first. After 5 or 6 minutes she asked me to come in. My wife told me that she was done she did not want to try anymore and that she had made an appointment to file the divorce paperwork on Monday (yesterday 7/30/12.) I was calm said “OK, if that is what you want.” I made another appointment for that Friday by myself, and she made one for Monday evening (yesterday.)

On the drive home we had a causal talk, about what she was going to do with her life from here. She said she was tired of being stressed about money, and was going to go back to school and focus on getting a good career. When we got home she came inside to get her mail, I told her “I wish you the best in life from here, this is not how I anticipating our marriage ending, and that maybe in the future after the pain and hurt had gone away maybe we could be friends again.” She stated that she would like that, I told her don’t forget I love you. She hugged me, started to cry and said “I love you too.” She left at that point. 20-30 minutes later she added me as a friend on facebook. I have not made any contact with her since. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I miss her terribly and would like her back. 

That Friday she posted on her facebook that she was getting a tattoo. The same one I agreed to, it was her first tattoo and I had stated in the past that I really wanted to be a part of it. So much for that. She also changed her facebook name. Removed my last name and changed it to an old nick name she used to go by. This is also the name she knows I have her under in my phone.

Word through the grape vine is that she did turn the paper work in yesterday, no one knows if she went to her counseling appointment or not. I go again by myself tomorrow.

Is it too late? If she thinks I moved on and I’m content without her make her want to come back? Should I call her? 

I do feel that the counseling is doing wonders with my depression; I can once again sleep most nights. I however check my phone very often to see if she has tried to call.

She still has stuff at our house, some furniture and personal items that she acquired when her grandmother died. Over the last 5 weeks she would say "I will come get herstuff this day or that day with her parents." Every time her parents have been out of town and she knew that they would be. Her mail is still coming to our home as of yesterday as well. 

What can I do? Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I feel like she wants to blame the whole thing on me, and now everything is my fault. 

Sorry my thoughts are jumbled and I tried to be as clear and time-lined as possible.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

That is long buddy and I am not sure everyone will read it. I would suggest copy and paste into a new post under the divorce or (considering divorce) section... you can probably get a lot of great advice from those who have been there. What I will offer is what I have learned from this site. 
She seems conflicted, you need to move on. No more money for her, no more "friendship dates" etc... give her some serious space for a while, if she reaches out to you, do not be readily available as she needs to understand how hurt you are by this and that you are not going to let her play games with your heart and your life, it is not just her life, it is yours too. In the meantime, read some books and articles on recovering from the loss of the relationship, and depression in general. You didn't give particulars about what the "old you" meant, so it may be too late, that is a hard one to answer, however, pushing her will not work... and will make you seem needy and you need to be a man in this situation. Read up in the divorce, considering etc, forums and you will find some great advice, I would in your situation suggest a 180.... Read up on that too.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

She said the old me was not depressed. We would go out and do things together all the time. I was always joking and having a good time. The last year and a half or so i have not wanted to leave the house at all. I was always grumpy all the time. 

The counseling has been doing wonders for my depression. I am loney and miss her dearly but Im coping better at work, and I want to go out and do things again. I just wish I could with her. Im trying the no talking, and read the 180 techniques tonight. 

I just dont know how to show her the old/new me with out contacting her and pushing her further away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you went through a pretty normal depression due to your mother's health and such. A marriage should be able to handle this.

What bothers me is her telling you that she had not been happy for a long time. Well if she was not happy why didn't she tell you? IMHO there is something else going on .. like an affair.

Have you looked to see if there is anything that points to this? Have you check her cell bill to see if there is a number that she is calling and texting all the time?

I'm sorry to bring that up but there are thing in what she has said that lean toward something more than the obvious is going on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is seeing someone else. I can bet on it. You married a entitled cheater. What else did you expect? Expect her to start dating a new guy shortly(The one she is cheating on you with currently).

A little snooping will get you all the proof you need. Lay low and start gathering the evidence. Once you find the proof, your path will be more clear.

Common checklist is her phone records, email and her phone. See if you can get access to her accounts. If you have access to her computer, you can install a keylogger but I think you are too late now.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

I dont have access to the phone bill. It is in her name. We switched it from mine so that she could have good payment history on something. 

That thought has crossed my mind. I think she would of slipped and it would be apparent by now. Her parrents charish me and they wouldn't let that slide. I talk to them still and we get along great. She spends most of her time with them or her younger brother according to her facebook updates. They live in a small town 30 minutes away and her updates are always from there.

I could be being niave but I really dont think she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where does her cell phone bill go to? Is it delivered to your house?


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## Wilburnter (Aug 1, 2012)

I just wish I could with her. Im trying the no talking


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## aussiechick (Jul 1, 2012)

I don't think she cheated. Maybe she felt controlled by you. No bank account (you should have at least let her have a little to herself) and that you didn't like her friends. Kicking company out may have been seen as controlling. My guess is she feels she lost herself and this is the only way she can find her way back to herself. Maybe she thought it would get better sooner or something else broke the camel's back.

Hopes are not high. Best way to move forward is to box herthings up so they are out of sight. Get hobbies. New friends and keep going to counselling

All the best mate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You married too young. She knows that, you don't. She'll drag you along until she can replace you.

No kids? You get a do-over. Congratulations. I envy you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SL86 said:


> I dont have access to the phone bill. It is in her name. We switched it from mine so that she could have good payment history on something.
> 
> That thought has crossed my mind. I think she would of slipped and it would be apparent by now. Her parrents charish me and they wouldn't let that slide. I talk to them still and we get along great. She spends most of her time with them or her younger brother according to her facebook updates. They live in a small town 30 minutes away and her updates are always from there.
> 
> ...


I wish I had a dollar every time a BS says that. Nonetheless, keep your eyes wide, wide open. Infidelity isn't logical and she has a history of repeated betrayal. Denial will be your worst enemy now.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

She would ask for the company to leave, she wanted that alone time. It wasnt like she didnt have money to spend. I would randomly put cash in her purse as a surprise all the time. It just wasnt on a consistant schedule.

I did get access to the phone records. She has been talking to one number alot. It is a previous boyfriend from 10 years ago. He was her first. He is not the one she left for me. He cheated on her and had a child with the other woman. She has said that she would never go back to him because of that. He lives 4in hours away in another state, so I know nothing physical has happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nod (Jul 2, 2012)

Well you have your answer. You need to take control now. Is this guy married? If so, time totalk to his wife. You need to get a VAR. This never ends well. Best of luck.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

SL86 said:


> She would ask for the company to leave, she wanted that alone time. It wasnt like she didnt have money to spend. I would randomly put cash in her purse as a surprise all the time. It just wasnt on a consistant schedule.
> 
> I did get access to the phone records. She has been talking to one number alot. It is a previous boyfriend from 10 years ago. He was her first. He is not the one she left for me. He cheated on her and had a child with the other woman. She has said that she would never go back to him because of that. He lives 4in hours away in another state, so I know nothing physical has happened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There you go, there's the man your wife left you for.
Given all the reasons why you think she wouldn't go back to him is reason to question why she would even bother spending time talking to him at all. 
Denial isn't your friend at the moment, at the very least your wife is having an Emotional Affair (EA) with her ex.
Don't want to believe me, go read some of the Coping With Infidelity threads,, lots of cheating with ex's, many of whom were cheaters/abusers/ losers. 
Just because you think your wife wouldn't be with her ex, doesn't mean she wouldn't want to be with him.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Definitely cheating.

And setting up the separate account was her means to finance it.

And what's with the counselor??? One visit and she diagnoses depression for your wife. Next visit, sorry, YOU'RE the one that's depressed. If you like the therapist, fine but I would have found another one.

Your wife is throwing up a lot of things, but just stringing you along.

No contact except to say "Your stuff will be on the curb tomorrow. Make sure you come by and get it."

Change all accounts so that you are not responsible for any of her bills. Get your license and keep it.

There seems to be a lot of immaturity on both of your parts. Not trying to be mean, but it's time to grow up.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

Most of what I read was "I love you. Get out" 

Can't have it both ways. Make up your minds and then deal with it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Based on your updates I have one simple response... you say that she went back to her hometown, would not her "first" be from the same hometown... so even if he once lived 4 hours away.... he would visit "home" frequently. 4 hours is not that long at all actually. Sorry man, I think you found your explanation as to why this came about all of a sudden and she wouldn't even seriously attempt the counseling.


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## SL86 (Jul 31, 2012)

I appreciate the support. My parents divorced when I was 10. After 25 years of marriage. I told my self at that point if/when I get married I will do everything I can to make it work. Maybe Im a fool, I dont know.

Anyways I confronted her about talking to him. She admitted to it and apologized. She said it started because she was trying to find closure from thier separation (he cheated on her.) She said the phone calls started to become more frequent and she enjoyed the attention from him that she wasnt getting from me. 

I told her that I was hurt, lost trust, and had to move on with my life.

She then called me back 30 minutes later and wanted to talk. I agreed we talked for 45 minutes, it felt good. We talked about random how was your day, hows work that kind of thing. I asked her at the end of the conversation what she wanted. She said she was scared to come back and fall into the same old routine. I asked if ahe could slow down on the talking to him. She said yes. 

Later she sent me a text message and thanked me for talking. She asked to keep this between us. She said the only person she had to explain her self to was me, and sge did that.

She also said she thinks she has been talking to him to try and get my attention. She said she knew I would check the phone records. 

She said the game she is playing isnt fair, and me confronting her was a reality check.

The next morning I got a random good morning! From her. I responded with the same. 

She called me mid day to tell me how excited she was about a new job. I toldhave her congradulations, I then told her I was moving on from here with or with out her. I said I would be there if she needed me but my main focus was bettering myself. She said she understood. Mind you she hasnt called me in weeks, and I haven't talked to her at all for a week.

She later sent me a text that said "I didnt want complete space from you. I just wanted to feel wanted and needed your attention. She said she missed the random hows your day, i love you, etc text messages."

I haven't talked to her since. Got another good morning! Today. 

I pulled the phone records again today. Only 1 phone call from him last night for 7min but still texts back and forth during the day.

My counselor said to ignore her and desribed the 180. 

Im confused I think we can work past it. But I also think I should move on. I really want to text her and give her some attention, but I havent.

I bought the maried mans sex life and started reading it. Still in first chapter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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