# Separated - can I finally make my dreams come true?



## Seahorse001 (Mar 17, 2014)

Before I seem like a cold and heartless person, I want to give you a little background so you can understand my dilemma a bit more. I'll try my best to be as brief as possible.

I'm a Canadian University graduate (many moons ago) and have always vowed to return to Canada where I've always felt a spiritual, emotional, mental, physical and identity connection (this alone is a topic on its own, ask my therapist! But just accept the fact that me + Canada = true love, OK? ;-) )

So after I graduated and had to return to my 'home country', I set off doing everything to make myself eligible to immigrate. 3 years on, I had enough money and enough work experience to make it happen. I applied. I waited another 3 years. About 2 months before I received that letter that would invite me to an interview (basically the last step!) I began a relationship with my then-boyfriend-now-husband. It was a sliding doors moment. He wasn't ready to move to Canada at the time - later, he said - and I had to choose between the boy I love, or the country I love. I chose the boy.

We got married a year later. 7 years on, and we now have 2 children. Our relationship has been through the mud since year 2 of our marriage frankly and we've been dealing with it ever since. He then decided to immigrate to Australia, because his family had moved there a few years earlier. Reluctantly, I agreed, for the children's sake (for them to have family around them). He thought Australia would give us a fresh start and might rekindle our relationship.

It didn't. I became more miserable and more depressed. I hate it here. Specially also as we went on a holiday to Vancouver the year before we moved to Perth, and that yearning of living in Canada grew bigger. Why the 'F' was I moving to the other side of the world?! I did it for him and the kids. 

I left Spain and moved to London for him. Then I left my Canada dreams for him. Then I left London for Australia for him... and now we've separated.

I suddenly find myself in a bad situation: far away from everything and everyone I love, living in a country I don't want to be in and can never see myself belonging, still living with my ex (yup we are still living together for financial reasons), and a complete sense of isolation and loss. I try to go out and make friends, I have a couple, but I feel so alone.. and worse, I don't have any privacy to grieve or be sad. I'm constantly bottling up emotions (he can't handle my emotions). I basically feel trapped and have experienced my first anxiety attack a few days ago.

My dilemma: If I'm no longer with him, then why should I stay in Australia, right? I can finally make my Canada dreams come true. I contacted an immigration law firm who confirmed I still qualify, but time is running out (I'm 37 and they want young people) The sooner I get my application in, the better chance I have. If we apply as a family, I have an even higher chance (they don't want single moms smooching off the government... understandable...) I'm suddenly hopeful that I can finally go and live in Canada. *The problem is, how do I tell him that I want to do this? * That I would need his help, to continue to 'play house' with me until we get our visa? And then how can he help me knowing that I will be leaving WITH the children? I just don't think he'll understand... at all!! I don't know how to explain it to him. He's naturally a very negative person and if I told him my thoughts, he will find every single obstacle that will make the conversation go from a possibility to a horrible negative, ending with me not submitting an application for immigration.

The thing is, I'm not doing this to take the kids away from him, please don't misunderstand me. I'm doing this to set MY OWN future up... if I get the ball rolling now, IF I'm lucky, I'll hear something from Canadian Immigration by the time I'm 41! At 41, if I get the 'all OK', I fully plan on leaving Australia... and obviously with the children. They will be 6 and 9 years old then. And I fully intend on them having DAILY contact with their dad, and making sure they spend EVERY holiday with him in Australia. By the time they are due for citizenship, (at around 14 and 11 years old), and if they choose to move back to Australia to live with their dad, I won't stand in their way and it's the sacrifice I am willing to make because it would only be fair. I don't want to take the kids away from him, but if I don't do this now for myself, that ship will sail and I will find myself at the age of 50, living somewhere I never wanted to be and probably still pining for Canada. I don't want to live a life of regret... 

I'm so fed up of giving everything up for him, all those years, along the way... and now I feel like I can finally do something about it. But I really don't want to hurt him or make him think I'm doing this to hurt him. I also would need his total help and support with the application, since we would be applying as a family...

Am I being stupid?! Am I being selfish?! I am going out of my mind! My emotions and thoughts are getting away with me.... and probably the reason I am having these anxiety attacks. I feel like a bad person and the same time, it's clashing with my deepest hopes and dreams... and in the middle of it all, the children need stability and love!! AAARRRRGGGH! Do you feel my pain (or am I just being a whiny *****?! go ahead, you can say it... maybe that's what I really need to hear after all)

How do I tell him? I'm so scared... scared if I tell him, he'll either talk me out of doing it by putting up all the obstacles, or blatantly tell me doesn't agree and won't help :-(


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Why are you so sure you'll be leaving with the Children? I don't know much about Australian law. Is it a guarantee you'll get full or even primary custody of them?

If you're separated, how do you apply to immigrate as a family? You'd need some sort of custody order from a court I'd imagine. What's your custody order say?

While you're not doing it to take the children away from their father, that is what you'll essentially do. Is that really in the best interests of your children? Or is it your best interests?

How about leaving the children there with him, where they have some family, and you go to Canada? 

The children aren't like to find stability by living with either of you 95% of the time and visiting the other, half way around the world, a few weeks a year. 

How old are the cherubs anyway? Have you discussed it with them to see what they may like to do? So far we know your age and your desires.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm also confused about why you think you'll be entitled to leave the country with the kids. No offense, but you seem to have hugely unrealistic expectations. But maybe things are different down under...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

All you can do is sit down, and tell him this is what you feel you have to do in your heart, and ask if he will he support you in this? That is Step 1. 

You don't know what Step 2 will be until you get his answer. 

IF he says no, then you may be living in Australia until your kids are older. In separate dwellings. 

That just may be a reality you will have to live with if he won't agree to his children being so far away. I am sure that wherever you kids are is where you heart will be, at least when they are this young. You're true love is your kids, not a country.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

How do you threaten your husband to kidnap his children to another country? I don't think there is a good way, sorry.


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## Seahorse001 (Mar 17, 2014)

Firstly, I never said I was going to leave with the children. I would never 'kidnap' my kids, that is just downright horrible. I'm not going through anxiety attacks for nothing here! My question was "how do I tell him about my hopes and dreams and trying as best I can to ensure a positive reply from him?" My question wasn't "how do I take the kids and move?" 

If I am unable to convince him of the idea, then you know what, that sucks and I will just stay in Aus.

Secondly, we are not legally separated, and have no plans on legalizing it. We get along and are amicable. So for the time being, we are still officially married. If he was to agree to immigrate, he would be on my application, as my husband. 

My kids are still very young. They are 3 and nearly 6.




Malpheous said:


> Why are you so sure you'll be leaving with the Children? I don't know much about Australian law. Is it a guarantee you'll get full or even primary custody of them?
> 
> If you're separated, how do you apply to immigrate as a family? You'd need some sort of custody order from a court I'd imagine. What's your custody order say?
> 
> ...


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## Seahorse001 (Mar 17, 2014)

wilderness said:


> How do you threaten your husband to kidnap his children to another country? I don't think there is a good way, sorry.


Nowhere in my post did I threaten or even remotely insinuate that. My question was asking how to approach him in the most positive manner so that he is on board with the idea. 

Don't be so judgemental and come to conclusions when you don't know the whole story. 

This is the same man who told me 2 months ago that he would be fine if the kids and I were to move to my 'home country' and for him to stay in Australia and see the kids once a year - because life is cheaper there and his Aussie dollars go further. This would be somewhere in South America... trust me, with the terrible flight connections, that's a worse and further trip than if we were in Canada!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

We can only respond to what you've posted. If you would have said in your first post that he told you two months ago he was ok with you going to South America with the kids, I would have said that I don't think you have too much to worry about in switching destinations. If you've already had calm and rational discussions about separating long distances, the hard part should already be done. Maybe approach it by revisiting the discussion of a few months ago?

C


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Seahorse001 said:


> *The problem is, how do I tell him that I want to do this? * That I would need his help, to continue to 'play house' with me until we get our visa? And then how can he help me knowing that I will be leaving WITH the children? I just don't think he'll understand... at all!!


You did say that though, the above is what you wrote.

I'm an Aussie, our laws are very clear. You will only be able to take the children to Canada with their fathers written permission and a custody agreement. He can, if he chooses (and so could you) have you legally blocked from removing the children from Australia. This too would have to be done through the courts. Interpol and the AFP would be notified and a No Fly Order would be issued for your children.

Regardless of the law, why would you choose to put your children through growing up without daily time, in person with their father?

You made a choice. You chose your then boyfriend. You chose to marry him. You chose to have 2 kids with him.

You're in the position you're in now because of choices YOU made. Why should your children pay the price for that?


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## Seahorse001 (Mar 17, 2014)

PBear said:


> We can only respond to what you've posted. If you would have said in your first post that he told you two months ago he was ok with you going to South America with the kids, I would have said that I don't think you have too much to worry about in switching destinations. If you've already had calm and rational discussions about separating long distances, the hard part should already be done. Maybe approach it by revisiting the discussion of a few months ago?
> 
> C


Yes, you're right. I did leave that part out, but I was trying my best to keep the story brief (and even then it's a big long post!) Thanks for your reply


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## Seahorse001 (Mar 17, 2014)

frusdil said:


> You did say that though, the above is what you wrote.
> 
> I'm an Aussie, our laws are very clear. You will only be able to take the children to Canada with their fathers written permission and a custody agreement. He can, if he chooses (and so could you) have you legally blocked from removing the children from Australia. This too would have to be done through the courts. Interpol and the AFP would be notified and a No Fly Order would be issued for your children.
> 
> ...


Yes, the laws here (and in the UK, and in Canada) are very clear. But as I said, we are not legally separated. I've already been out of the country on my own with the kids, without his permission, as we went on holiday to visit my parents in Argentina. You would only need that permission if you are legally separated/divorced. Which we are not. 

In saying that, I would like to reiterate that I have no intention of taking the children without his knowledge. He is just as big a part of the decision making process as I am. 

As for denying the children daily interaction with their father... well, he has the kind of job where he is hardly at home anyway. I've been a 'single mom' from day one, doing it all on my own with no help or support from anyone - no family, no friends, not even neighbours (this is when we lived in the UK). The difference here would be that instead of seeing him once a week, they would see him 4 times a year personally, but on Skype on a daily basis. 

I'm not trying to give myself excuses, but I know many people who've lived with one parent and they are totally fine. It sounds like maybe you believe in the more traditional definition of a family and that's fine too. In many ways, so do I (or I would not be struggling with this decision - it's not being made lightly... heck I'm even going on a forum for strangers to advise me!)

I am exploring all my options. I've been doing a lot of reading (specially about childhood development) and have recently started seeing a therapist who specializes in childhood psychology. 

I would NEVER harm my children in any way - neither emotionally, nor psychologically, nor physically - and want what's best for them. If what's best for them is to remain here with BOTH of us, then that is what I will do. Just last night I asked my son if mommy were to move to Canada and daddy were to stay in Australia, where would he choose? I know it's a heavy question for a 6 year old, but he did say "with you to Canada". I explained that it would be very far away from daddy, and grandma and grandpa, and asked him if he would miss them. He said he would of course miss them, but that he would miss me more. Of course, at his age, I recognize that this answer might change in a week's time!! 

Also, as for my choices. Yes, I married a Brit... a Brit who told me we would eventually move to Canada. A Brit who at the time had NO intention at all to move to this side of the world. When we signed that marriage contract, we were on the same path and had the same dreams. Then, suddenly (and it really was sudden), his parents decided to move to Australia. This was AFTER we'd had our first child (and Canada was still on the cards). 

Australia was never in the plans. After they moved, his brother moved too and married a Perth gil. Within the span of 3 years, we found ourselves with a 3 year old, a newborn, and all alone in the UK. 

Please stop being so judgemental. Thank you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So because some people get through a childhood deprived of daily interaction with either parent due the choices of the parents, that makes it ok to do it to your children??

I'm not judging you, you asked for advice and opinions, and I gave mine.

You still had a choice whether or not you moved to Australia.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Seahorse001 said:


> Firstly, I never said I was going to leave with the children. I would never 'kidnap' my kids, that is just downright horrible. I'm not going through anxiety attacks for nothing here! My question was "how do I tell him about my hopes and dreams and trying as best I can to ensure a positive reply from him?" My question wasn't "how do I take the kids and move?"
> 
> If I am unable to convince him of the idea, then you know what, that sucks and I will just stay in Aus.
> 
> ...






> My dilemma: If I'm no longer with him, then why should I stay in Australia, right? I can finally make my Canada dreams come true. I contacted an immigration law firm who confirmed I still qualify, but time is running out (I'm 37 and they want young people) The sooner I get my application in, the better chance I have. If we apply as a family, I have an even higher chance (they don't want single moms smooching off the government... understandable...) I'm suddenly hopeful that I can finally go and live in Canada. The problem is, how do I tell him that I want to do this? That I would need his help, to continue to 'play house' with me until we get our visa? *And then how can he help me knowing that I will be leaving WITH the children?* I just don't think he'll understand... at all!! I don't know how to explain it to him. He's naturally a very negative person and if I told him my thoughts, he will find every single obstacle that will make the conversation go from a possibility to a horrible negative, ending with me not submitting an application for immigration.



:scratchhead:


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I really think you should BOTH be in the same country as your children (again, just an opinion).


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I feel your desire to live in Canada, but don't break up your family


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