# Frustrated and confused---Husband wants to relocate AGAIN!



## Cafeaulait (May 13, 2009)

This is my first post. I stumbled upon this board as I was on Google. 

I will attempt to make a long story short. Less than 2 years ago, my husband took a job 4 hours away from our home. I was upfront with him before the move explaining that I wouldn't make the move with him. I am in a very secure job with good pay and benefits. Also, the 4 hour away move would have been his 4th job change in 1.5 years. I didn't feel comfortable giving up my job on a whim. Anyway, the LDR had it's problems. During that year my brother suddenly died of a heart attack, and DH saw that family meant more than job so he frantically searched for jobs in our home city. He found one, and left it after 3 months. He took another job, but now is talking about moving to a job that will be 2.5 hour away. (He did the job searches and set up interviews behind my back.) When I said, "I'm still not going." his response was "That's your choice." Then he said, "Well, it's 1.5 hours closer than the other time I moved." 

I'm so crushed and frustrated by this whole thing. I don't know what I should do. The marriage is rocky at best, and he has been verbally abusive. We have tried marriage counseling, but old habits die hard, and the verbal attacks have made their way back into the relationship. I'm to the point of just getting out of it all due to the stress.

I would like to hear from anyone who has gone through this with their spouse. I honestly don't know what to do or how I should feel. At the moment I just feel numb.

Thanks in advance.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Hi,

16 moves, 16 states, 4 cities, 2 foreign countries.

All in 23 yrs.

Big money big risks.

Little money stay.

Yes neen there over and over again.


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## Cafeaulait (May 13, 2009)

He will take a 20,000.00 cut in pay. It would mean maintaining 2 households. When I mention that his reply is, "Don't you want me to be happy?" To me, with him knowing how I feel, seems very selfish. 

Johnamos....I don't know how you did this and kept your sanity. I'm about to lose mine with the 2nd move in 1.5 years.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

WOW, 
Are you married to my ex??? I absolutely know how you feel. My ex had 10 jobs in the 10 years we lived here in Toronto, Canada. He was happy at first and then became unhappy, was always someone else's fault at work, boss was a jerk, blah blah. He thought if he changed something it would make him happy. NEVER did it, nor did it last. He was very immature, self centered and shallow. I have had a steady nursing job here for 10 years with good pay, seniority and position. His next brain wave was to also move 4.5 hours away. He hated the city we lived in, blah blah. I was leary about moving wondering if I could find just as good a position as I had here. Well, in the end he had a emotional affair with a coworker and moved away to fulfill his dream of living in his what did he call it "happy place." :rofl: Sounds like your husband is cut from the same cloth. I KNOW how hard it is but honey cut him loose and let him go. He sounds just as immature and self centered. In the end you'll be better off. I know I am. Good Luck to you.


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## Cafeaulait (May 13, 2009)

Thank you nurse. I, too, have dealt with some very immature selfish behaviors. Not that I'm innocent, but it seems that nothing is ever enough to make him happy. I can do little to nothing right, so I have stopped trying. When all a person sees is the string hanging from the new dress rather than the beautiful dress, it's a no win situation. I could do most everything perfectly, and he would often see the string or the thing I didn't do correctly. (This is his reality.) He says he only points out my mistakes because he wants me to be a better person. *sighs*

I feels that if he takes this job, there is no hope for the marriage. I have been with him for close to 12 years. It's very difficult. I wish that he would just tell me he wants out, but he won't. When we fight, he blames me for everything. I need to build up the courage and strength to make the best decision for me. The stress overwhelming right now.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My husband used to work about an hour away, and he used to see his daughter from a previous marriage about twice a week at her house. So, it seemed like he was always away from me. I know it's not the same, but I tolerated his absence as part of his responsibilities. Many people seek fulfillment in their careers, while others sacrifice them to spend more time with their family. Fortunately, my husband and I both have jobs, (though not out dream jobs), but we are committed to earning money to be happy in out offwork hours.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I was offered another job with my company in another state.

I discussed it with my wife and children, none of them wanted to move, so I turned the job down, citing it would be to tough on my family.

We are happy where we are.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

The relocation issue is just a symptom of a much BIGGER problem in your marriage. He is acting like an adolescent. You can't be married to someone like this and have a mature healthy relationship. My ex and I were together for 16 years. I KNOW how difficult it is to go it alone again after that much time spent together. Overall we had a happy marriage but in the end he decided to ask for a divorce and leave me. Turns out, he did me a favour. You don't mention children, so a break would be clean. At least physically. Mending a damaged relationship like this is hard enough but having a spouse refuse councelling and tell you he picks on you for your own good?, what a prick!! People can only change themselves for their own betterment and growth. Usually if the people in their lives like the change they will grow along with you. If they don't, their problem. If your gut is telling you that you need to end your marriage or give your husband an ultimatum then do it. You might not like his choice but at least the rollercoaster you're on will stop. I know that sick, nauseated feeling in your stomach of will he stay or go? How will I live without him? It's gone for me now. I haven't even seen him or spoken to him in 8 months. His family hasn't even contacted me to see how I'm doing. Like I told him last time I saw him, GOOD RIDDANCE. Start respecting yourself again and set him straight. Again, best of luck to you. It's not an easy road, but sometimes necessary. You have the strength, you just don't know it yet.


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## Cafeaulait (May 13, 2009)

Nurse---We must be the same soul in different bodies. Wow, I can't believe how you life is parallel to mine. When you mentioned his family not contacting you, I know it would be the same for me and we have been together for 12 years. 

There are no children, and I know I need to give an ultimatum. In the pit of my stomach, I also know the answer I will get. Thank you so much for your insight.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hi there,
You can stand up to your husband and put yourself ahead of his own selfish needs. I am currently in therapy and becoming the kind of person I really and truly feel good about. I also know that some of my choices aren't necessarily going to make everyone happy but as long as I can live with them so be it. You deserve better than the way your being treated. If he leaves you, then you know you can go it alone. You have the resources to do it. Be true to yourself. Let him regret leaving you when maybe he has some sense knocked into him. But if you're truly in a better place you won't care anyway. Looking forward to that day myself. Then I can move on, better myself and become a woman that my man would want to crawl through broken glass to come home too. Take Care. Stay strong!!!


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