# No Sex



## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

I am so frustated. My husband doesn't even touch me. It's 

going on 2 months now. I am trying so hard to fight this. I 

talked to my husband and told him that things needed to 

change. 

There is a guy who is really pursuing me and I am so sexually 

frustrated. I don't want to do the wrong thing and give in to 

temptation and I expressed this with my husband. But nothing 

has changed. He hides and goes on pornographic sites and then 

denies it when he is caught. I left the house this morning so 

angry, he didn't even care. All he did was call me on my cell 

phone and said I don't care where you are going or who you are 

going to be with but I need the car back by 11 and hung up. I 

am so heartbroken.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kayla said:


> II left the house this morning so
> 
> angry, he didn't even care. All he did was call me on my cell
> 
> ...


Im sorry you are going through this kayla. i know how you feel. My H treated me the same way when he was looking at porn. i left him three times and he never cared. He never called or anything. It really tore me up inside.


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## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

So did you guys work things out?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ya we are currently working things out- but le'me tell ya, it got UGLY. there was so much fighting for years.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I had to search for this site again: dysfunctional families

It was the start of regaining my sanity. If you scroll down a little more then half way (you can read it all if you want. it is helpful) there's a circle diagram. Read that exercise and do it. It opened my eyes so much. I was pushing things on my H that he didnt deserve. i was trying to make him be who i wanted, what i needed and expected, what he "should" be, but i was not paying attention to who he actually was. think about it. think about how he's treating you. what does he deserve? do you even really want to be intimate with someone that is treating you this way? After i realized what a scum bag my H was being i realized i wouldnt want to share myself with someone like him. 

of course i had that realization, but it didnt sink in until a couple years later. 

Dont cheat. If you do you will be no better then your H. there's no justification for breaking your vows. you agreed to honor your vows. it has nothing to do with him. I know the temptation, believe me. There is nothing wrong with divorcing your H right now if you need to.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going thru this. Don't cheat. That will just create more problems. If you honestly can't work things out in your marriage, get a divorce.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

So sorry you're going through this, it must be very painful. I personally don't think I could stand for that, but I wouldn't feel right having an affair either (before anything was finalized anyway). Seems to me he wants out but is too chicken to be the initiator.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I totally agree with Atropa. He is giving you the signals that he wants out--basically, trying to trick or force YOU into making the bad move (an affair). That's chicken****. Did anything happen a couple of months ago that might account for his changed behavior, or has it been a gradual slide into this situation? Any chance he had an affair at that time, for example? 

Make an appointment with a counselor for the two of you--go on your own if he won't go. Be clear on one thing: Are you willing to leave or make him leave (a better move, in the long run, if he goes)? Are children involved? Do you own your home? The latter two factors can complicate things, but if he's not interested in working on the marriage, then it should end unless you have reasons to try the "lone ranger" approach.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Just another thought... Is there a difference between plaintiff and defendant entitlement wise in your state? Could he be forcing you into the role of plaintiff in order not to lose money or so you'll have to pay? Not too clear on divorce law...


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## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

I would never cheat I love my husband too much and respect 

myself way too much for that. It's just difficult when someone 

comes with the right things to say and your not hearing it at 

home, it just gets really hard. He has an addiction 

to porn he has told me that he has been doing since he was like 18 

my husband is in his 40's. We are fighting so much right now it's 

not even funny. We have a child and I don't want to put our child 

through a divorce. I believe that things can get better and I am 

willing to stick it out and work it out but some things have to 

definitely change. I am in counseling right now by myself and helps 

alot the counselor is great.


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

Every person deserves love. There need to be definite action on his part to change. There is no excuse for his behaviour as per your first post.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

There should be NOTHING that comes between a person and their SO! 

Not porn, not TV, not hobbies, nothing. 

I don't mean to say you can't "have a life"...but nothing should be more important than your SO's happiness. 

Kayla, DO NOT cheat! End your relationship (divorce) with him before you get involved with someone else. 

There WILL be too much pain for everyone if you don't.

If you're not getting what you want/need in your relationship...end it before you seek it elsewhere. And DO NOT become a booty call!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Kayla said:


> We have a child and I don't want to put our child
> 
> through a divorce. I believe that things can get better and I am
> 
> ...


You'll have to focus on what you can change. that's what will stop all the fighting. it becomes so obvious when the addicted person is destroying a relationship. but what is not as obvious is that you have an addiction just like he does; him. just like he needs to let go of his addiction, you'll have to learn to let go of yours. you are the only person you can control. You cannot stop what he's doing. You can only work on yourself. 

alanon would be good for you, too. i went to those meetings for awhile. its really for family and friends of alcoholics, but the ideas apply to anyone involved with an addict of any kind. You need to stop the fighting, for you child. that's abuse, too. He does not have to change for you to be happy. you do.


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## gwenie (Jul 11, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I totally agree with Atropa. He is giving you the signals that he wants out--basically, trying to trick or force YOU into making the bad move (an affair). That's chicken****. Did anything happen a couple of months ago that might account for his changed behavior, or has it been a gradual slide into this situation? Any chance he had an affair at that time, for example?


I tend to agree with Sisters- but there could be other circumstances. If your marriage is satisfactory in other areas; financially, job security wise, still respect each other and treat each other nice- I would set a time when his mood was good and try to talk to him some more. Is it possible he is developing ED (erectial dysfuntion) or something? I feel if he was having or contemplating an affair the porn would not be an issue with him. If he denies going to porn sites and says he doesnt do that- change the content settings on the internet. 2 months of no sex- does not indicate a divorce to me- but something is obviously bothering him that he is afraid to talk to you about. Perhaps that "spark" is gone from your marriage and needs rekindling. Perhaps he is insecure in his ability to satisfy you. You need to talk this over with him. Comparing your husband or lusting after some other guy doesnt have any place in your situation right now. 

How old is the child? If he is using porn as a substitute for intimacy with you- it surely doesnt leave you with a warm fuzzy- and he needs to know that absolutely. If he doesn't care - then I would think about changing your situation in the next year.


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## Spouse (Jul 13, 2009)

You say you would "never cheat" but every girl has this mentality, and nearly any girl or guy is capable of cheating if caught in the wrong place at the right time. 

My wife cheated on me and blames me fo rit, and I'll never forgive her. You completely destroy a man's self-esteem by cheating and it's extremely hard (impossible) to repair things after that. I'm trying, but a part of me knows that I have to either get revenge or get a divorce.

Try to repair the marriage, and if that doesn't work then speak to him about a divorce, but do it in a serious manner, possibly with legal papers in hand and/or any other hard proof that you're serious.

The porn thing is a problem, but I think porn is normal in a relationship where marriage sex is ****. Masturbation is way more satisfying than bad sex. A porn addiction is a different matter and something that should be addressed by a therapist. 

Sorry if I come off as an *******. My wife cheated on me recently and I've been trying to get rid of the pain/anger. Just wanted to put my 2c in.. GL


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## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

I understand how you feel Spouse. When I say I would never 

cheat. I mean it I would never cheat on my husband. My husband 

has cheated on me he says I have no proof. But I do. And the pain 

is indescribable the feeling of betrayal and just imagining my 

husband on top of someone else is gut wrenching in itself/. And yes 

he blames me for it. And Yes my self 

esteem is severly destroyed coupled with the use of porn. But that 

doesn't mean it can't be repaired.So with that being said

Yes I can get revenge and sleep with someone else but in the long 

run where will that lead me. Pleasure for a while but 

in the end I will feel used and dirty. In my book it is not necessary 

to get revenge. I can learn to forgive and rebuild the marriage. 

Who am I to withhold forgiveness, God? I am not perfect I have 

made many mistakes in my life and will continue to make them. So I 

can relinquish the same forgiveness and mercy that has been 

bestowed on me Or I can try to justify why I should cheat on him. I 

am going to choose the gracious path. In our anger we think so 

many things but when you thing with a clear head and mind you 

see things differently. P. S> we aren't arguing in front of our child 

he is not here he is away for summer vacation with grandparents. 

That's why we have been arguing like cats and dogs because our 

son isn't here.


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## jada (Jul 15, 2009)

I can't understand at all those people who refuse having sex. It's the best pleasure ever existed on earth! Enjoy it as often as possible.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

jada said:


> I can't understand at all those people who refuse having sex. It's the best pleasure ever existed on earth! Enjoy it as often as possible.



amen


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## Yofarm (Jul 15, 2009)

jada said:


> I can't understand at all those people who refuse having sex. It's the best pleasure ever existed on earth! Enjoy it as often as possible.


I wish someone would tell my wife the same thing! As for Kayla, why is it that a woman has to feel ****ty and dirty if she goes outside of her marriage for intimacy. In fact, it's empowering.


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## missing_my_old_self (Jul 17, 2009)

I really feel for you. While it might be devastating for a man to be cheated on by his wife, it's also devastating when a woman tries to keep herself attractive and sexy and her husband continues to say no to sex.

When my husband and I got first got together, we were really good friends, and he knew that I had a high sex drive. Within a few years in, we were only have sex every 6 - 8 weeks -- now 13 years later, we have sex maybe 4-6 times a year. It makes me question a lot in my marriage... my friends say they have seen my relationship with my husband suck the passion and spirit out of me... When I try to approach him in a variety of different ways, he usually gets defensive, as though my request for intimacy is a threat... without this physical connection between us, I feel my love bank quickly running dry... and yes, attention from others becomes very appealing. I've asked him to go to counseling, but he won't. Don't think it's an affair, don't think it's porn -- I think he honestly has zero sex drive. He says it's a part of him getting older and being tired from work stress... but he's only 42! Is this normal? My friends' husbands are still chasing them around the house, and I wonder, "how did I get this life???"

Any thoughts? I'm starting to feel like his rejection is both a physical and emotional betrayal, and I'm seriously considering asking for a separation....


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