# unhappy thanksgiving...am I oversensitive?



## healthybaby (Nov 27, 2010)

My husband and I are newly-wed--only 4 months.. but we have some problems--maybe I have some problems. Here is one of them:It was our first thanksgiving together, but I'm not happy 

First of all, some background before I tell the story: when we met each other 3 years ago, my husband had been separating with his ex-wife for almost 4 years,(his ex was dating someone else too) their marriage finalized this June due to some financial issues. 

My husband was poor and just got out from school at that time ,but he wanted to marry me. He asked me if I would feel insulted by being proposed without a ring. I told him he need to have a ring to propose because it's tradition, but I do not care how much the ring cost, it's ok even it's plastic, as long as he loves me. So he bought a cheap but very nice ring to propose and we marrried. Later my husband told me that the money he had was the money he was going to pay child support, but he used it to buy the ring, and asked if I could loan him some money to pay the child support. I agreed and gave him the money. I'm OK with helping him financially, but I did feel awkward on this case--it seems like I paid for the proposal ring.

We did not have a big wedding--just went to the court, said the vow infront of the judge. We lived at his mom's house at that time and her mom did not go to our "wedding". Her sister, who I've never met, left a msg on my husband's facebook, saying:"you shoud have stayed with xxx(his ex), dont know what you are thinking, yuk". 

I was happy that I marry the men I love, but I was hurt at the same time. I'm not a bad/ugly woman, I'm well-educated--a straight A student with a master degree; I'm fit; I dont smoke, dont drink, dont party; I spend money wisely, always wait for good deals; I respect her mom, did all the housework when I was there,I fixed her laptop, fixed her printer and fixed her dinner and most time brought it to her room if she prefers staying alone.

The only weakness is I'm a quiet -not used to often saying sweet things. but It makes me feel better that my husband said he felt sorry about me that he was not able to give me a big wedding, and he said he would when he could. My husband also said his mom likes me, otherwise she would not let me stay in her house. I hope he was right, but I think the reason is his mom loves him.

When I told his mom that we were going to have a wedding maybe in vegas or other country when we could, his mom was suprised and asked, is he going there with you? I was like, yeah,for OUR wedding...

Now my husband is working and has a good job, and things are getting better. We moved to another state and came back home for thanksgiving because his mom/family and his son are here. His mom invited us, his brothers and sisters to a restaurant for dinner. After we drove all the way from another state to the restaurant, to our suprise, his ex-wife was invited too!! She showed up by driving her boyfriend's BMW, and sat beside my dear mother-in-law. I was like, what a big family union! I guess I should not come...

Anyway, I'm upset about these things. Is it normal or just me being silly?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

No it doesn't seem normal to me at all that you weren't warned that his ex would be there at dinner.

I would begin by starting you own family Thanksgiving tradition next year, shouldn't be too hard just say you didn't like the restaurant they picked. Start planning it early in the coming year and letting him know.

To the ring issue; I can see how that could get under your skin but I somehow feel you have some ideas on how to straighten that out 

Good luck hon and Happy Holidays


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Wow..and ouch. It almost hurts my feelings just to read that story. I have to ask. What did your husband have to say about the situation? That seems so hurtful and disrespectful toward you. I can't believe she actually showed up....and what in the world did her boyfriend think about her taking his car to her ex's family's thanksgiving. That is really messed up.


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## healthybaby (Nov 27, 2010)

chefmaster said:


> No it doesn't seem normal to me at all that you weren't warned that his ex would be there at dinner.
> 
> I would begin by starting you own family Thanksgiving tradition next year, shouldn't be too hard just say you didn't like the restaurant they picked. Start planning it early in the coming year and letting him know.
> 
> ...


Yes, that's what I said, it would be the last thanksgiving dinner I have with them. I told my husband if the same thing happens next time, I would not go. He agreed.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I can understand that why you feel bad. 

But I don't think the EX's feeling is much better by seeing you sit together with your husband. Now your husband has a good job and you have a happy life with your husband together, I don't think she likes to see that. 

She drove her boyfriend's BMW, it was just a show-off. Please don't let this kind of small thing bother you. Material things don't mean much. People who have a lot of material stuff are not guaranteed to be on happy list. In fact, they have a lot of struggles.

You married your husband for love, for him. So please don't let his ex disturb you. I don't think you husband has any feeling towards her. I don't know why his family is still so fond of her. This is western culture. In eastern culture, EX is EX, it is in the past. 

You have been a good wife and good daughter-in-law, and you husband and your mother-in-law like you a lot. Please remember, you are the present, so don't let his past bother you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

healthybaby said:


> Yes, that's what I said, it would be the last thanksgiving dinner I have with them. I told my husband if the same thing happens next time, I would not go. He agreed.


See, you husband loves you a lot!


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## healthybaby (Nov 27, 2010)

Tufluv said:


> Wow..and ouch. It almost hurts my feelings just to read that story. I have to ask. What did your husband have to say about the situation? That seems so hurtful and disrespectful toward you. I can't believe she actually showed up....and what in the world did her boyfriend think about her taking his car to her ex's family's thanksgiving. That is really messed up.


Thanks for feeling the pain, Tufluv. My husband said sorry he did not know she's coming either. 

If I caused their divorce, I can understand the way they disrespect me, but I did nothing wrong, so it really hurts.


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## healthybaby (Nov 27, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I can understand that why you feel bad.
> 
> But I don't think the EX's feeling is much better by seeing you sit together with your husband. Now your husband has a good job and you have a happy life with your husband together, I don't think she likes to see that.
> 
> ...


I dont care what she thinks, I'm happy for her that she has a rich bf. What upsets me was how my mother-in-law did--I try not to blame on this old lady though. And it makes me feel sorry to my Mom--I never helped housework when I was at my own parents house, cos they love me so much that they wont let me do it, now I'm married and help my inlaw all the time and she does not like me..sigh...


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## healthybaby (Nov 27, 2010)

I dont know if my husband loves me a lot, but I love him more... We've been through a lot before we married, we broke up, backed together, broke up and together. I'm sensitive. Every time problems accur and I'm upset about it, my husband asks me the same question: do you still want to be married with me? or " if you are not happy, i'll let you go." it sounds it's so easy for him to let go.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

it seems like your h feels the same way you do about being blind sidded like that. my mil didnt care for me for years, and now tolerates me b/c we have been together for many years.

it sounds like something she would do. she is very materalistic(?), and would have went on for month about xxx doing good for her self. but you have love and that can not be bought.

somrtimes familes dont understand new situations and hurt what they dont understand. i would not be around them for a few years yet, so they get used to the idea that im not going anywhere.

but what a b****. how dare they. dont feed into there negativity. the ring kinda sucks, but i bet he makes up for it in an big way.

just keep talking out your feelings and dont let this weigh heavy on your mind. move on with your life with YOUR h. not hers. she is dating a bmw, how sad.

it will get better in the future.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

healthybaby said:


> I dont care what she thinks, I'm happy for her that she has a rich bf. What upsets me was how my mother-in-law did--I try not to blame on this old lady though. And it makes me feel sorry to my Mom--I never helped housework when I was at my own parents house, cos they love me so much that they wont let me do it, now I'm married and help my inlaw all the time and she does not like me..sigh...


I talked to my husband about your story today. He said what your mother-in-law did was very very very insensitive. He was really shaking his head when he heard that. And he thought the woman's boy friend was very stupid too for letting his girl friend come to her ex's family for Thanksgiving dinner. I told him that I would stop talking to his mother if his mother did such a thing to me. Sometimes people don't appreciate us for what we have done. it's life. The only way to make us feel better is not to expect much from people, and forgive them for their inconsideration. 

For my husband, I always try hard to work out our disagreements. 

But with other people, if they don't reciprocate my generosity, I stop caring too. They are no body in my life, my husband is the most important person in my life. For my husband, I don't mind if I love him more or he loves me more, as long as he is faithful and responsible and he is fulfilling my basic needs, I am happy!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The only place I can see where your feelings seem silly to me is the ring issue: you told him he had to have a ring to propose to you, so you basically forced him to use his child support to get it for you (although I think he should have been smart enough to wait a little longer until he had the money). I don't think that by asking you for some help with the child support after that means that you paid for your own ring. 

The rest....I can see where you're coming from. It doesn't seem like his family is being very welcoming to you. One thing I have to wonder about....do you know why his marriage broke up? Does his family? Do the stories match? Because I wonder if they are treating you the way they do because he lied, to them or to you, about how/why the marriage ended, or maybe they've made some incorrect assumptions about your role in it and he's never bothered to correct them. 

I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself, and start talking to all these family members and try to clear the air and make for better relationships between you all. At least if you've done that, and it doesn't work, you'll know you did what you could.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

I'll bet that your crazy harpy of a mother in law was at least partially, if not largely, responsible for the break up of your husband's first marriage.

She sounds like a complete nut.

Beware.


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## healthybaby (Nov 27, 2010)

My husband's first marriage last 15 years, he told me he wanted to divorce because she never wanted to improve herself--she was very fit but now at least twice big as she was, she only finished high school and doesnt want more education for a better career. My step-son often badmouth about her not being a good mom, even her own mom--my husband's ex inlaw often says her daughter is not a good mom. About their divorce, it could not be finalized because ex insisted to hire attorneys and my husband was not able to at the beginning, my In laws knows that my husband first wanted to divorce and he was dating someone, but during the period, several times EX asked my husband to come over her house to babysit their son while she stayed overnight at her bf's--which my in-law does not know. And once I overheard my mother-in-law ask my husband to stand up for ex a little bit next time when ex-inlaw talks about it. 

My inlaw is a very loyal and sincere Christian, she's nice. I think she likes the ex so much because she thinks she has done a lot for the family--15 years. I can understand that. Another thing is, I guess, everybody is Christian in her family, so is ex, while I'm not, but I respect their religon, they prey, I prey, they go to church, I follow. However, she thinks non-Christians=not as good as Christian=will go to hell. Maybe that's why.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok..I think I see the problem now. They were married 15 years. I have an uncle, well 2 actually that have done something similar, but the one didn't remarry, anyway..back to my point. I have an uncle who was married to his first wife for several years (I don't know how many because I was less than 5 yrs old when they divorced). My uncle wanted out, and he remarried soon after to my current aunt. I love my aunt dearly, as does the rest of our family. She is an amazing woman. But...it did take the older generation, my grandparents and their siblings, etc., a while to accept her. His first wife (Charlotte) had been such a wonderful woman, and part of the family for so long, that divorce papers weren't enough to sever that family feeling. Paperwork doesn't really matter to feelings, and she was part of their family for so long that they are having trouble letting go. 

My best advice is to just give it time. As with my uncle and his two marriages, eventually they will come to realize you are here to stay and they will accept you. But you also have to realize that his first wife was part of their family for a very long time, and that she may never be completely gone.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

healthybaby said:


> My husband's first marriage last 15 years, he told me he wanted to divorce because she never wanted to improve herself--she was very fit but now at least twice big as she was, she only finished high school and doesnt want more education for a better career. My step-son often badmouth about her not being a good mom, even her own mom--my husband's ex inlaw often says her daughter is not a good mom. About their divorce, it could not be finalized because ex insisted to hire attorneys and my husband was not able to at the beginning, my In laws knows that my husband first wanted to divorce and he was dating someone, but during the period, several times EX asked my husband to come over her house to babysit their son while she stayed overnight at her bf's--which my in-law does not know. And once I overheard my mother-in-law ask my husband to stand up for ex a little bit next time when ex-inlaw talks about it.
> 
> My inlaw is a very loyal and sincere Christian, she's nice. I think she likes the ex so much because she thinks she has done a lot for the family--15 years. I can understand that. Another thing is, I guess, everybody is Christian in her family, so is ex, while I'm not, but I respect their religon, they prey, I prey, they go to church, I follow. However, she thinks non-Christians=not as good as Christian=will go to hell. Maybe that's why.


This part, I am in a similar situation. 

My mother-in-law was very close to me when I was a member in their religion. 

Now my husband and I have left their religion, my relationship with my mother-in-law is not sweet anymore, we are still the same, we just don't go to their meeting anymore. But we are not her babies anymore, her daughter is still in the religion, so even though the daughter has caused them a lot of financial stress, her daughter is still a BABY to her. 

People who have religion tend to draw closer to people who have the same religion. 

We chose to leave the religion, so I know better, I am a little bit hurt, but it doesn't bother me much. 

I catered to them too much, now I am actually happy that I don't need to pretend anymore.


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