# Lookin for some advice



## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Hello everyone. I'm new to the site, and I'm here, like I'm sure many others, looking for some advice on my marriage. Since I can't figure out my problems myself, and don't feel that I have anyone I can share them with, I did what any other normal, sane person would do. I register online, and decided to share on the internet.
I've been married for three and a half years. My wife is beautiful, hard working, and very driven. She does well at almost everything she does, and I'm lucky to have her. I do a dangerous job that requires me to be away for months at a time. While I'm gone, there are very few things that she can't handle, and I don't have to worry.
I guess where my problem really stems is that she has a way of making me feel very unimportant. Even writing that, I feel a little awkward. This isn't normally a problem that a man should encounter. My wife is very independent. That is perfectly fine with me. However, that independence prompts her to be somewhat arrogant and "in your face" about how she handles things. I don't need a lot of recognition for what I do (in fact I tend to shy away from it), but when I'm home it's almost like I'm required to publicly kiss her hind parts because of the things she's done while I'm gone. There is always a to-do list for me when I get home after being gone for a few months (which, yes, I realize there has to be), and pretty much all of my spare time is spoken for. The things on the list are frivolous, but I'm in for a battle if they're not completed in a timely manner, which is decided by her. After I complete these tasks, there might be a thank you, but almost no recognition after that. I liken it to being a grossly underpaid employee.
All of the things I mentioned above I can handle. I guess the part that really gets to me is that there is no recognition for what I do to provide for my household. To make sure we are secure. A couple of weeks ago, she told me that she was proud of me and what I do for us. I asked her where that came from, and she said "I don't know. I just don't think I've ever told you that". I've often wondered if I'm not telling her I'm proud of her enough, but after thinking back, I realized that I'm never given the opportunity. Everyone else tells me how proud I "should" be of her, mainly because everyone else only hears from her mouth why I should be proud.
As I mentioned before, I love my wife. I just don't love the fact that I'm treated quite a bit like an employee, and at other times like a child. I don't love the fact that she can slam me in public to be "funny". I don't love the fact she gets more wrapped up in the well being of our pets than what is going on with me. I certainly don't love the fact that I feel I have to resort to asking strangers for advice on the internet, but here I am, with no other place to go. 
Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this? I'd really appreciate any advice. I guess I'd really appreciate just knowing that I'm not the only one. Thanks for taking the time to read this.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your job.......change it.

Relationships require time investment and effort on regular basis.

Distance and time apart are isolating both of you.

Talk to your wife about how you feel and see what she says. Most people will only be as thankful as the other person. She showed you appreciation for what you do, did you? 

Of course there will be a long list if you are away for months. I would hope one of the items would be intimacy as well....and if it's not.....you have a problem my friend.

Think about it, while you are away your wife has a pressure and responsibility of ENTIRE household.

That is A LOT of work, and you are not around to assist etc.

I would highly suggest rethinking your work.....and work on communication/bonding with her. I will warn you, be ready to hear LOTS of her concerns and no appreciation for MORE work that SHE does. 

I guarantee that she has a much bigger load than you.......you probably know this already.

You should be thanking her MORE than she does. But both of you should be doing it on regular basis. It's part of the support system.


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## dazed794 (Aug 31, 2014)

Call her out when she disrepects you. She may not realize how it makes you feel. You should not allow her to disrespect you.. stand up for yourself. Yes it seems kind of backwards but you standing up for yourself and calling her out when she's wrong will make her love and respect you more.

I definitely second reading the 5 Love Languages. Even if you only read a summary on the internet.

Oh and find a new job or do what it takes to be with your wife. Spending so much time apart is a breeding ground for major marital problems.

I'm glad that you've come here now and before things had become really bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon BobbyJ
A difficult, and somewhat familiar situation. My job isn't dangerous, but it is reasonably well respected, and I am well respected in my workplace and by friends. But - at home for a long time I got very little respect. I was, as you say, treated sort of like a child.

This gradually improved, though I really couldn't say why. I'm not aware of anything particular I did. Maybe my wife just gradually realized what she was doing. I think its possible that one of her girlfriends talked some sense into her.

Are you able to talk to her and explain that you are happy to share chores, but the work should be done together, you you working FOR her? Sadly I expect that conversation will not go well.

It is difficult to deal with not being respected by a partner. "Demanding" respect seems a bit pathetic, and is sort of counter productive - real respect is earned / given, not demanded. Leaving seems way to big a step. 

There are a lot of discussions her of people trapped in sexless or nearly sexless relationships, but I haven't seen much discussion of people trapped in relationships where there is no respect.


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## Relationship (Sep 29, 2014)

To be honest, it seems like it is your wife that has the problem, not you. Some people are not very emotional or caring. You probably noticed it when you were dating but weren't paying attention because of your feelings for her.

Given you are gone for long periods of time should not be easy on her, if you come home and she does not give you much attention, at least when you first come home, she is the one with issues. To be honest, that is who she is and will not change, you can either deal with it or not. If you cannot, don't continue devoting time to a relationship that is doomed, no matter how hard it is to let go.

My advice, go under the assumption that this is who she is and will never change, you are the one that needs to decide if you can accept it as well as the attention everyone gives her and not you, sorry this is my best advice.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Relationship said:


> Given you are gone for long periods of time should not be easy on her, if you come home and she does not give you much attention, at least when you first come home, she is the one with issues. To be honest, that is who she is and will not change, you can either deal with it or not. If you cannot, don't continue devoting time to a relationship that is doomed, no matter how hard it is to let go.


The only thing is, her treatment might be due to resentment from him being away for so long.

I know I would struggle with this as well. I can't see myself do well if my loved one was away for long periods of time.

Ohh hell no.....I would probably end the relationship.



Relationship said:


> My advice, go under the assumption that this is who she is and will never change, you are the one that needs to decide if you can accept it as well as the attention everyone gives her and not you, sorry this is my best advice.


I would not go this far.....


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. Above all, thank you for just listening to what I had to say. 
DoF: I do understand that she shoulders a big weight. But, as I said before, it's a situation where I don't get to volunteer my gratitude because everyone is always reminding me that I should be thanking her. It seems a lot less sincere when it happens like that. Also, as far as my job goes, I cannot changes jobs and provide for my household as well. I understand relationships take time to grow, and we spend the time I'm home together, but the issue is the quality of the time. And I'm a little sad to say, that is not always the best quality.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Richard, Lila, Dazed: Thank you for the encouragement to stand up for myself. I'm sure that you've been in a position where there is disrespect and you've had to do something about it, so I'd like to pose another question to you. What's the best way to go about it? My problem has always been that when I have to deal with disrespect from her, or any other woman, it's easier just to walk away. I don't know what it is about my wife, but I just can't bring myself to fight with her over it. It's not because I'm scared of her in any way, it's just that I hate to see her upset. And it really does seem petty (at least at the time)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

BobbyJ said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. Above all, thank you for just listening to what I had to say.
> DoF: I do understand that she shoulders a big weight. But, as I said before, it's a situation where I don't get to volunteer my gratitude because everyone is always reminding me that I should be thanking her.


I think you are mixing things up a bit and letting your feelings get the best of you.

There is a GOOD reason why everyone is always reminding you to be thankful to her.

The reason is, she puts in WAY more effort into family/household than you.

BY DEFAULT, couples should be constantly thanking each other for things they do around the house or for relationship etc.

Have you done that?

If not, how in the world do you expect HER to thank you for doing LESS than she does and being away all this time?

I'm not saying YOU are in the wrong. I'm saying BOTH of you are in the wrong.

Both of you should be thanking each other.

Since you can only control YOURSELF, do it and watch your wife become more thankful towards you (by default).

Watch...she will feed off of your gratitude.



BobbyJ said:


> It seems a lot less sincere when it happens like that. Also, as far as my job goes, I cannot changes jobs and provide for my household as well. I understand relationships take time to grow, and we spend the time I'm home together, but the issue is the quality of the time. And I'm a little sad to say, that is not always the best quality.


Don't tell me you can't. 

It's YOUR choice.

You either make your relationship a priority, or you make your job a priority.

In time, wherever your priority is, that's exactly what you will end up with.

Lack of quality is most likely direct consequence of you being away for long periods of time.

Your wife is overwhelmed with EVERYTHING.....you are not around........and when you get back, she is probably still overwhelmed and focuses on everything around her BUT you.

Mostly because you will be away for long period of time again anyways.....and work around house WILL remain.

Have you taken the initiative to help her out when you get back. "honey, I see you all stress out running around, why don't you take a break. You deserve it and let me handle your to do list"

OR do you get home all grumpy and depressed because you know your wife has some crappy list for you?

If I was in your shoes, here is what I would do ASAP. 
a) sit her down and have a serious conversation
b) start off by thank her for everything she does and recognizing how hard she works
c)admit to any "laziness" you might have within you (assuming that true)....regardless, your wife knows EXACTLY where you lack effort.....and you do to....acknowledge it!!!! It goes a long way. 
d) after you acknowledged, assure her that you will take action in the near future.....and actually DO IT.
e) onto the important part. Tell her that your job/time/distance is killing your relationship and you want to make this your priority and spend more time with her or do whatever it takes.
f) ask her if she will support you if you were to change your job and find one that will enable you guys to have a healthy relationship

Just me though....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm thinking it may JUST be "the situation".. I don't know.. I would hate it , hate it , hate it .. if my husband was gone for long periods of time, I would want to go where he was.. a woman would have to learn to be very independent , like living on her own if you are gone too often.. she gets used to it, she fulfills her days/ nights with other things (that animals, her friends etc)... just to cope with it.. 

I am just speculating here, of course..... if you were to come home every day 5pm for instance... do you think it would be easier/ her attitude better or you'd still be met with the same.. I guess my underlying question is.. 

*IS the time away contributing to her demeanor towards you??*... maybe she KNOWS nothing can change (as you said this is not an option), so she doesn't bring it up.. as there is no point -just more holding on....yet you are getting the brunt in "disrespect" from her end. 

Or was it always LIKE THIS, even the years of dating...but somehow you over looked the














?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BobbyJ said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. Above all, thank you for just listening to what I had to say.
> DoF: I do understand that she shoulders a big weight. But, as I said before, it's a situation where I don't get to volunteer my gratitude because everyone is always reminding me that I should be thanking her. It seems a lot less sincere when it happens like that. Also, as far as my job goes, I cannot changes jobs and provide for my household as well. I understand relationships take time to grow, and we spend the time I'm home together, but the issue is the quality of the time. And I'm a little sad to say, that is not always the best quality.


Marriages take work. For you, it is doubly hard as you work away from the home for extended periods of time. As a result, you W will become very independent. You have recognized and pointed this out. Also, she has become somewhat of a singleton as you work away from the home. I would venture a guess you are looked upon as an employee because of the extended time away. 

As far a quality time, not every day can be quality time. However, take it upon yourself to make that quality time. Always treat your wife like you are still dating. After the honey do list have a plan to have a date night. It takes you to make it happen. 

Trust me....some days I feel like Mr. Fix it, the darn ATM machine with endless cash supplies and Mr Clean as the bathroom gets **** and span. Not much is said in the way of "thanks" on that day. However, down the road or the next day I told how much I'm appreciated, loved and cared for. 

And to add...I reminded myself daily to thank my wife because she deserves it. She puts up with a lot of my sh-it. God Bless her. She is after all always there for me. I for her. You need to approach it with the understanding and satisfaction of making the relationship work to its fullest. Not a thank you. Those only get you so far. A truly honest supportive relationship will get you very very far in life.

Also, find a new job if possible.


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## dazed794 (Aug 31, 2014)

BobbyJ, early on in my marriage my wife was disrespectful quite a bit and I allowed it. One day she told me, "I'm such a jerk to you. Why do you allow it? I find it hard to respect you when you can't even stand up for yourself." I was always afraid of the conflict. She likes to argue when I'd rather just run away. I spent some time lurking on here and discovered it's actually quite common. Now I'll say something like, "You're being disrespectful. I don't appreciate when you say _____." Yes, sometimes it brings on an argument. But it has changed the dynamic for the better. I do this with my kids as well. Now I must agree with the other poster that true respect is earned, and your wife won't respect you unless you earn it. Standing up for yourself is necessary but is only part of it.

Can you post on here what your job is? You HAVE to find a way to be with your wife more if you want to make marriage work. Yes, that may require a lesser paying job or downgrading your lifestyle. You have to decide what's more important to you. A long term long distance marriage will not work. It's quite possible that she resents you for spending so much time away. Talk to her about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Running a home.... with no kids? Psssssssssht. It's actually a lot less work if you are the only one living there. 

I think she is being a bit of a drama queen. But that may just be her personality. Some people just have to toot their own horns.... loudly. Like, "Look at ALL the stuff I do, and I've done... while he was GONE." I don't think there is anything you can do to make this better, either feed the ego or get out of the way. Your accomplishments won't ever matter as much as anything she does. "That's nice Sweetie. Hey, you know what ELSE I did?....."

I also don't buy into the "there's some things that she can't do" so she saves them up for you. BS. Besides writing her name in the snow with her pee...what is it that a woman just cannot do? (Altho, with mega flexibility I think we could do that with minimal foot prints) Fix the fence? Unclog the garbage disposal? Reprogram the thermostat? I don't get it. 

MAYBE she resents you being gone. So maybe the "honey do" list is punishment. So you can't just come home and have a good time. Because "that's not fair". 

I'd think, if my man were gone for extended periods.... first of all I'd learn a lot of "manly chores", and secondly I'd plan on him not doing anything while home except "intimately connecting"....a lot. 

I think you won't get the affirmation that you want. But I would at least try to figure it out...as you are doing. I agree with getting the book The 5 Love Languages. It should give you both some insight on how to SHOW each other appreciation in the way that you each prefer. Because maybe you can learn what she needs (outside of other peoples words) to feel appreciated.... something that YOU can do for her, while she can learn how important the affirmation for you is. It could happen. (If we let go of having to applaud a grown up for taking care of their own home and life. Isn't that what real grown ups are supposed to do?)


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Thank you all very much for your responses. I'll admit, it's nice to hear the different view points from folks who understand. 
It's true, as pointed out earlier, that I run away from the confrontation. It's something that I do, because it's important for me, as a husband, to know my wife is happy. If she is not, it feels like I'm not doing my job as a husband. She's never wanted for anything financially, and I'm proud of that. She is very independent, but that started long before me, and it's something she takes a lot of pride in, and I'm proud of her for it too. Please understand, I'm not looking to divorce my wife. I love her. I guess that, in a way, I'm trying to decide if I'm justified about being angry about the lack of respect. I grew up with parents who never had any problems because they always tried to make each other happy. They are, to this day, best friends. I hate the idea of having to look at marriage as a job.
Also, I apologize, I but can't say what my job is. Just that there are people relying on me with their lives to do my job. I've worked really hard to get to that point, and when I say I can't just find a new job, it is the truth.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

DoF, please don't take this as disrespect, but I'm curious why you are making assumptions of how I am when I get home. When that time comes, I don't just sit around and pout. The last time I was at home, I had to take care of other work commitments, and, other than that, we were out doing whatever it is that she wanted to do. I was very upfront about the fact that I appreciate the fact that she takes care of things while I'm away. If I can tell chat room full of complete strangers that, why do you assume that I can't show appreciation to my wife? As soon as I hit the door, I'm helping with laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and doing any other number of things that have to be done around the house. I do get to go out and play at times, the same as she does. The job that you are so strongly trying to tell me I need to get rid of is going to pay off her student loans, so please don't tell me that she is putting more into the relationship than I am. She is very understanding about why I do what I do, and she benefits far more from it than me. I understand that women don't always get the respect they deserve for the things they do. This is not the case as I will be the first to tell anyone that she is amazing in the things that she does. Again, I'm not trying to be disrespectful or argumentative. Please don't judge the situation based on the typical male sterotypes you might have seen.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You're reading, but not "hearing."

DoF is most correct in saying, which priority you establish now will be your FUTURE. You can't back off your job and now you're reaping what you sow....

I do agree that you feel she disrespects you when you are home. But the flip side is, she IS alone the good majority of the time. That means she is the one who handles EVERYTHING. Some say it's really no big deal to do that, others think that it's too much of a load to bear.

So, I have to ask, what would be different for each of you if you weren't married?

I think you'd simply exist just as you have always done.

But for her, having an opportunity to find a husband who is home every day would probably be very appealing.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

My apologies for not having said it early. I do understand that she is priority number one. I understand that my marriage is doomed if she is not. But, let's be fair, if I don't work, we've got a lot bigger problems than disrespect. The being gone is something that I have to do for now, to make us financially secure. It's an opportunity that I will only be doing for a couple of years, and she is in complete agreement that it will help us out for the future. I can also promise that my being gone is not the issue. As far as her needing a man around the house in order to survive, she's made it very clear that she's not one of those women. In fact, she's very "in your face" about it.
I'd like to pose a question to everyone as a form of an answer. If she's supposed to be my number one priority, aren't I supposed to be hers? I've read a few accusations so far about me making my job a priority over her, but what if the roles were reversed? What if she makes her job a priority over me? Or the pets (she's very attached to them)? Or the to-do list? Or any number of things that could, and do, take priority over me? 
I guess that's what it boils down to. Priorities. It's been assumed that she is not my priority because of what I do. But who do you think I'm doing it for? And who do you think I talked with at length before I decided to do it? Who do you think benefits from it (and knows that she benefits from it)? I will pose my original question that I asked when I first started this thread, but with a little different spin. What do I do about feeling unimportant? That is what is plaguing me, and has been for a long time. It's affecting me in new ways everyday, and it's driving me crazy.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What do you do about feeling unimportant?

You change the dynamics of the relationship. Although it was agreed upon before you left, the cold reality is...the distance is killing your marriage. You simply are not there to make the normal, day to day Life with her. It's a wedge continually driving an emotional barrier between you two.

You say you cannot quit your job. 

Seems to me, you already made your choice. You just don't see that yet.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

I'm hearing what you're saying. And I do agree that a normal, being home everyday, 9-5 life is a lot easier on a marriage. But what I meant when I said that being gone is not the issue boils down to this: this was happening before I started being gone for months at a time. In a normal situation, the only difference would be that I'd be there to take it everyday. The to-do list isn't something that happened when I started having to be gone. It started well before. The talking down to me in public wasn't something that popped up just because I had to be gone. And, I won't deny that it is my choice as to whether or not to change my career. But if I do, it'll be the same thing as before. Changing jobs won't solve the problem that was there before I started having to go away. 
Now, the change in the dynamics of my relationship is an interesting proposition. Revamp, would you please tell me more about that?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Dusting?


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## dazed794 (Aug 31, 2014)

She will treat you that way as long as you allow it. I sense that you are rationalizing your lack of confrontation by saying it's your job to keep your wife happy and not to upset her. Happiness comes from within. It is not your job to never upset her. You cannot make her treat you better by doing more or nicer things for her. In fact the opposite will happen. Let's imagine 5 years from now and you still have not stood up for yourself. While you're gone for 4 months she has an affair because, in her mind, "He's never stood up for himself before, there's no way he will now". I suggest you read the nice guy sticky in the men's section and have a sit down talk with her about how she makes you feel. Part of being in a relationship is communication. You are not communicating but hoping you can fix it without bringing it up, which is impossible. By not communicating you are implicitly willing to put up with this for the rest of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

BobbyJ said:


> Hello everyone. I'm new to the site, and I'm here, like I'm sure many others, looking for some advice on my marriage. Since I can't figure out my problems myself, and don't feel that I have anyone I can share them with, I did what any other normal, sane person would do. I register online, and decided to share on the internet.
> I've been married for three and a half years. My wife is beautiful, hard working, and very driven. She does well at almost everything she does, and I'm lucky to have her. *Bad thought process. You are making her more desireable and important than you are. You need to decide that you are equal to your wife.* I do a dangerous job that requires me to be away for months at a time. *This is incompatible with being a husband and a father*While I'm gone, there are very few things that she can't handle, and I don't have to worry.
> I guess where my problem really stems is that she has a way of making me feel very unimportant. Even writing that, I feel a little awkward. This isn't normally a problem that a man should encounter. *This happens all the time. Human beings try to dominate each other. Women cannot physically dominate a man. But they can mentally dominate a man.*My wife is very independent. That is perfectly fine with me. *Independence is not a great trait to have in a wife. * However, that independence prompts her to be somewhat arrogant and "in your face" about how she handles things. I don't need a lot of recognition for what I do (in fact I tend to shy away from it), but when I'm home it's almost like I'm required to publicly kiss her hind parts because of the things she's done while I'm gone. *She may require it, but that does not mean you have to buy into what she is setting up.*There is always a to-do list for me when I get home after being gone for a few months (which, yes, I realize there has to be), and pretty much all of my spare time is spoken for. The things on the list are frivolous, but I'm in for a battle if they're not completed in a timely manner, which is decided by her.*YOu are a man in a dangerous job where lives depend on you. Do you shy away from battles? Then don't let your wife walk all over you. But you have to have good judgement about what you should do for her versus what you should tell her you will not do. Certainly you can never allow your wife to dictate to you or manage you. You must do household tasks on your own terms.* After I complete these tasks, there might be a thank you, but almost no recognition after that. I liken it to being a grossly underpaid employee. *IF she is not appreciative then you should tell her that you expect her to show appreciation to you*
> All of the things I mentioned above I can handle. I guess the part that really gets to me is that there is no recognition for what I do to provide for my household. To make sure we are secure. *What you believe and value are not the same as what your wife believes and values. Providing and security are not her core need. * A couple of weeks ago, she told me that she was proud of me and what I do for us. I asked her where that came from, *When your wife finally does what you are longing for her to do, you accept it graciously you fool* and she said "I don't know. I just don't think I've ever told you that". I've often wondered if I'm not telling her I'm proud of her enough, but after thinking back, I realized that I'm never given the opportunity. Everyone else tells me how proud I "should" be of her, *Your response: I am proud of her just as she is proud of me for what I provide*mainly because everyone else only hears from her mouth why I should be proud.
> ...


But I do agree that your marriage cannot survive time apart as you describe. Wives get bored, lonely, start feeling resentment, start disconnecting from you and then start cheating. Happens all the time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

BobbyJ said:


> DoF, please don't take this as disrespect, but I'm curious why you are making assumptions of how I am when I get home. When that time comes, I don't just sit around and pout. The last time I was at home, I had to take care of other work commitments, and, other than that, we were out doing whatever it is that she wanted to do.


It's safe to make that assumption due to the fact that your job forces you to be away for long periods of time.....during which, you can't possibly get things done and your responsibilities land on your wife's shoulders.




BobbyJ said:


> I was very upfront about the fact that I appreciate the fact that she takes care of things while I'm away. If I can tell chat room full of complete strangers that, why do you assume that I can't show appreciation to my wife? As soon as I hit the door, I'm helping with laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and doing any other number of things that have to be done around the house. I do get to go out and play at times, the same as she does. The job that you are so strongly trying to tell me I need to get rid of is going to pay off her student loans, so please don't tell me that she is putting more into the relationship than I am.


Why would YOU pay off her student loans? 

Didn't you say she makes more money than you?

That is just weird (for number of reasons)



BobbyJ said:


> She is very understanding about why I do what I do, and she benefits far more from it than me. I understand that women don't always get the respect they deserve for the things they do. This is not the case as I will be the first to tell anyone that she is amazing in the things that she does. Again, I'm not trying to be disrespectful or argumentative. Please don't judge the situation based on the typical male sterotypes you might have seen.



I'm not, I'm just telling you that by being away......for long periods of time.....you are unable to do your responsibilities.

You are also not able to invest time into your relationship, which is crucial to success.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

screams of NNMNG and MMSLP


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Bobby - If we've learned one thing about your wife it's that she's not afraid (in most circumstances) to speak up for herself. If your job was an issue for her, I think she would've said so.


Could be she's somewhat self-centered and a 'cold fish', but something to consider - Your dangerous job might make her fearful that she could be on her own at any time. She might be keeping emotional distance cuz she doesn't want to be hurt when you perish. It'd sure explain her devotion to her independence. SOME of her tough, independent exterior may be a ruse.


If, for now, we assume that toughness is genuine, I'm struggling to see anything that'd prevent her from saying, "You're away too much. You're lacklustre with the chores. Fuh Q, I'm outta here!" But she's still there, making no threats to leave. Seemingly content,, if not happy.

LOTS of people neglect the day-to-day reassurances. Your wife may be just a particularly poor practitioner. Maybe her parents didn't praise her much or weren't very tactile. It's usually men failing to 'read' their wives, but plenty of women sùck at it too. The praise you did get was good praise and it came voluntarily. That's a good sign if she's not a natural reassurer.


You don't mention your sex life or any fear that she's cheating, so I'm seeing devoted but distant.

Your "I'm very lucky." - I hope your not buying into any notion that she's married beneath herself. You do seem afraid to confront her and I can't figure out why.

She's an opinionated, forthright, confident woman (apparently) so she shouldn't feel threatened by you airing a grievance. Maybe she wonders why you don't and her put-downs are provocations.


Certainly, public humiliation isn't something you should put up with. We can't tell her, she ain't here. Doubt your friends will do it so it's down to you.


Tell her, "We need to talk." DON'T hit her with everything at once. She might resent you keeping "all those things" from her, with some entitlement. Tell her the public put-downs upset you and you won't tolerate them. She may respond well, in which event you know you can easily communicate with her. If she responds badly, maybe you weren't so "lucky" after all. 

So - consider that her tough exterior may be part ruse for fear of losing you.

Consided that she may've been raised in a household that didn't praise and/or that her determination to be a success could be connected to a little girls ongoing determination to impress a cold and distant father. (It's not uncommon). Have you watched how she interacts with her parents? Might be some clues right there - the smoking gun!

Keep those things in mind when you confront her - which you HAVE to do cuz nobody can do it for you.

If she has a NEED to belittle you, that could indicate something(s) more serious. For now I'll settle for distant and lacking learned empathy - not the same as lacking all empathy. If she changes, it'll likely be for the worse if you don't address her excesses. Other than those excesses there's little to suggest she's other than a devoted wife. Just has an unusual way of showing it,,, or lacks the skills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Flying Dutchman, you do bring up an interesting point. She didn't grow up in a house where there was no compassion for her, but she did grow up in a house where her father was, and still is, emotionally abused. Her mother constantly fusses and nags her father over the most insignificant things, and openly has no respect for men. I think that's where she and her sisters learned to be direspectful


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Lila: yes, I guess she really always has, and I just never noticed it when we were dating. It's very important to her to appear to everyone as a self sufficient woman. In her mind, that means that she has to get everything accomplished so that she can let everyone know she's a self sufficient woman. I guess that means everything is a priority, except for me


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

BobbyJ said:


> Flying Dutchman, you do bring up an interesting point. She didn't grow up in a house where there was no compassion for her, but she did grow up in a house where her father was, and still is, emotionally abused. Her mother constantly fusses and nags her father over the most insignificant things, and openly has no respect for men. I think that's where she and her sisters learned to be direspectful


Yup. That'd do it. Mama's created a mini-me. 

Not necessarily of much practical help to you but, the more light you shine on a problem the easier it is to find a way to fix it. Merely understanding something can lift some of the burden.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Questions - Does she pamper daddy when mama's out of the way? And, when mom's around, does she join in with belittling him or try to get (or tell) mom to leave him alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

There's not much pampering, or even support, to any men around them. She likes to join in if it's something that she has an opinion on. And she has opinions on a lot


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Bobby

Here's my two cents fwiw. I think you have done well to recognize a problem. Most men here hammer thru it by being tough and ignoring it. Then years later they have a WAW to deal with. Coming here early is a good thing. 

From what you have have written, I feel you have your wife on a pedestal. Your "lucky to have her" quotes make me cringe. For your marriage to get better, she has to come off the pedestal. 

I agree with other posters about the time away at work being a recipe for disaster but I do believe you have caught this early enough as I believe she hasn't complained about loneliness etc. I am assuming no kids too. Kids would make it super hard for you to work away from home. 

Please get these books and read them as fast as you can. They will help you. I know it's a lot but they will help and I think they somewhat apply to you.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay 

These two every man should read especially conflict avoiders. 

His Needs Her Needs and 5 Love Languages 
Let your wife read these two as well. I don't think you two are on the same page as far as love languages.

Finally Codependent No More

I am not saying you are codependent at all but some small signs are there. The book will at least make you aware of what it is and what to watch out for.


Good Luck on your journey of self improvement.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

start telling her to cut it out. my wife used to do the public cut downs thing a lot too. i had to tell her that i did not like it and if she doesnt want me to cut her down in public and make her feel as disrespected as i felt, she had better cut it out. 

she didnt know how much it bothered me until i spoke up. 


now, for the rest of things, set time for when you want to do your own thing and let her know that she is going to have to take care of her lists herself during your time to yourself. just be sure to be fair about it. give her as much free time to relax as you give yourself. if she brings up the argument that she takes care of everything non-stop while you are gone and she deserves time off, dont bite. when you are apart, BOTH of you have to take care of everything on your respective ends. that is not an excuse for lack of compromise. 

you really need to let go of your desire to not upset her. if you let it continue, you WILL end up hurting her down the road when resentment builds up so much that you cannot stand each other. so maintain the relationship now while the only issues are relatively minor. 


and i fully understand on the job thing. i am also in a very dangerous career field which takes me away for months on end. out of our last 6 anniversaries, i was home for two...

but that doesnt mean that we have to put aside our feelings in order to foster an artificial sense of intimacy when i am back. we HAVE to hit marital issues hard and fast, because we usually only have a few precious months at a time to work things out before i am gone again.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

BobbyJ said:


> There's not much pampering, or even support, to any men around them. She likes to join in if it's something that she has an opinion on. And she has opinions on a lot


Ohhh, OK. Reason I asked was to get some indication of her attitudes/empathy. That's not a good sign, but no less educational. 

All it changes is the likelihood that she'll be tougher for you to get through to.

Ironically, while she's near obsessed with appearing to be successful, thanks to mom, she has no clue what a genuine successful marriage is. She's actually failing at it. She thinks a successful marriage involves having you "well trained", like her dad, rather than an equal partner.


Somebody needs to hold a mirror up to her and tell her she's failing. It'll be hard to get her to see it cuz she's been indoctrinated since birth and that mindset is reinforced when she visits.

You can still put your foot down and see how it goes but, where I initially thought she might readily listen (and she still might), I now think she may be inclined to dismiss you and become resentful.


I'll go out on a limb and suggest that "dismissal" is likely the most precise word to describe her reaction to those occasions you have confronted her,, and that you felt like your protests had been "dismissed".

A third party (therapist) should be able to see where she's going wrong and shouldn't hesitate in telling her. There's a good chance you may need one.


That said, there's still no reason you shouldn't try. If she gets angry and resentful by your refusal to be "dismissed", at least you'll have shifted some of your resentment onto her. No reason you should carry it all.

Worst case scenario is that she may be so indoctrinated she'll resist any attempts to change her. In that event, unless you want to be her well trained breed of husband all your life it'll be time to leave. Still, you're not there yet.

You've identified the cause of why she's the way she is and her weakness. While you don't want to set out to deliberately provoke her, if you insist on 'the talk' and she's hostile and dismissive, if you can drop "Your friends/mom won't be impressed by a failed marriage." into the convo, that should rattle her cage. She might even get it in the ear from mom for failing to train her hubby.

There I was thinking she was seeking daddy's praise for her career when it was mom's praise for raising a doormat she was after. (Gotta play the percentages!) If you get uppity with her she'll seek mom's advice. If you can drive a wedge in there she'll start feeling vulnerable.


You have your work cut out, Bobby. At least you've gained some understanding, have options to weigh and plenty to think about. All you need now is a game plan. Fight her on your own? Insist on therapy? Buy yourself a collar? Or leave if she won't work with you?


Good luck, matey. I think she's gonna be a tough one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First of all, you should put your needs first, because a healthy you is a better you. You already have signs of codependency. Second everyone has a right to express their emotions and own it. Hiding it will bring on resentment. You have to work on your communication skills. Don't operate on fear either. Fear shows signs of weakness, and confidence is one of the top attractive qualities women find in men. 

Tell your wife that your proud of her and she accomplishes, not because people remind you, but because it is what you feel. People are not mind readers, and neither is your wife. She probably doesn't know of your dissatisfaction because you don't clearly state it. When communicating, never hint, and make every point crystal clear.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> Running a home.... with no kids? Psssssssssht. It's actually a lot less work if you are the only one living there.
> 
> I think she is being a bit of a drama queen. But that may just be her personality. Some people just have to toot their own horns.... loudly. Like, "Look at ALL the stuff I do, and I've done... while he was GONE." I don't think there is anything you can do to make this better, either feed the ego or get out of the way. Your accomplishments won't ever matter as much as anything she does. "That's nice Sweetie. Hey, you know what ELSE I did?....."
> 
> ...


THIS is a crackin' post.

If she's been raised well - apart from mom's example of how to treat a husband - where does this need for praise come from?

Thousands/millions of people - married and single - run households alone. She's like Dìck Dastardly's dog Muttley, "Gimme medal. Wanna medal!"

Sunny is right, 'independent' women will do their own 'manly' chores. They change plugs, spark plugs, mow lawns and think nothing of it. My mate's wife was re-hanging her shed door at the weekend. (I offered to,,,,, make her a cup of coffee, then sat and watched. Hehe).

And who are these people telling you to praise her? Her siblings? If it's friends, they're some strange friends. If a husband or wife of any couple I know came to me and asked me to berate the other, they'd get short shrift and a tirade of finest British expletives. (Lost an Empire, but we're tops at cussin').


Her facade is crumbling.


I've another option for you, Bobby.

Print out your OP and all the supportive messages like Sunny's on A4 sheets and leave them on her pillow (while you go down the pub,, just to rub it in.)


I do have some sympathy for her cuz noone ever taught her any better,, but lots of people her age go back to college. It's never too late to (un-)learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

First off, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your advice and encouragement. There have been several things said that made me look at this from different perspectives, which is what I was after all along.
Last night I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to her for quite a while (from another continent, albeit it, but that's the wonder of modern technology). I told her that I didn't tell her enough that I was proud of her and what she does. She repeated those things back to me. We then discussed how unimportant I felt with the way things were going and how it was affecting me. She was very receptive and explained that she was proud f me for what I do. We talked about her parents and their issues, and both expressed how we don't want to be like that. I know that it's not a cure-all, but it's dang good place to start, and for the first time in a long time, I went through my entire day with no anger or resentment. 
We did talk about my having to be away, and she clarified once again that she has no problem with that. She also went on to say that she's extremely proud of what I do, and realizes that she doesn't tell me enough. 
Thank you again everyone for your encouragement to get this out into the open. It's been needing to be done for a long time, and I appreciate you all helping me get to that point.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

That's excellent news.

You did exactly what you needed to. It was always a question of how she was gonna react after a liftime of moms influence. She didn't hang up,, she was receptive, even surprisingly receptive. That's the best possible result in the circumstances.

Best hopes and wishes to the pair of you. 

(I'm gonna allow myself 2 minutes of smugness for "distant but devoted" in my first post,, minus 1 minute for the wrong parent).

Kudos to those who persuaded you to talk to her. Top result. We don't see too many of them here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazed794 (Aug 31, 2014)

Good job BobbyJ, sounds like the best possible result so far. Keep the lines of communication open and I think everything will be alright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Dutchman and Dazed, thank you very much. I appreciate the support and the advice. It can only get better from here, right? Well, unless it goes south, but I'm not thinking about that right now


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

BobbyJ said:


> Dutchman and Dazed, thank you very much. I appreciate the support and the advice. It can only get better from here, right? Well, unless it goes south, but I'm not thinking about that right now


this is a very good attitude to have. 
:smthumbup:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

BobbyJ said:


> Dutchman and Dazed, thank you very much. I appreciate the support and the advice. It can only get better from here, right? Well, unless it goes south, but I'm not thinking about that right now


Well, you have to make the concious effort of maintaining. Eventually it will be hard wired and form a habit. Make quality time where the to of you have the freedom to express your feelings. Like a marriage check-up. Get the issues out, and tackle them. Compromise is the main goal. 

Don't forget some sexy time with your wife too.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

BobbyJ said:


> First off, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your advice and encouragement. There have been several things said that made me look at this from different perspectives, which is what I was after all along.
> Last night I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to her for quite a while (from another continent, albeit it, but that's the wonder of modern technology). I told her that I didn't tell her enough that I was proud of her and what she does. She repeated those things back to me. We then discussed how unimportant I felt with the way things were going and how it was affecting me. She was very receptive and explained that she was proud f me for what I do. We talked about her parents and their issues, and both expressed how we don't want to be like that. I know that it's not a cure-all, but it's dang good place to start, and for the first time in a long time, I went through my entire day with no anger or resentment.
> *We did talk about my having to be away, and she clarified once again that she has no problem with that.* She also went on to say that she's extremely proud of what I do, and realizes that she doesn't tell me enough.
> Thank you again everyone for your encouragement to get this out into the open. It's been needing to be done for a long time, and I appreciate you all helping me get to that point.


Good for you, Bobby! It's a start. Regarding the travel part, many women don't mind when the H travels. I've done it for 20 years, if anything, I think it made us even closer! It's take a strong women and man, but it works for many couples. 

Now, when I stopped the travel, that was a HUGE adjustment for both of us. We were so used to "alone time" we had to get used to making time for that. Neither of us wants to be with each other 24/7. But, it doesn't mean we don't love each other.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

BobbyJ said:


> It can only get better from here, right? Well, unless it goes south, but I'm not thinking about that right now


lol - They can ALWAYS go south, but they're less likely to if you're communicating effectively. It maximises the potential of any relationship. You're trapped in a perpetual state of wondering who that stranger is if you can't talk to the person you live with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

My marriage was almost like yours. Except the being away part. I followed advice given on this forum and in NMMNG and MMSLP. My wife is a professional accountant and works for the government doing corporate audits. Needless to say she has a pretty thick skin when it comes to dealing with people. I called her on something the other day though and she was surprised I did. She didn't even realize what she was doing when I called it. She had gotten into the habit of it being "HER" house. The kids would ask her something and the answer would be "Not in my house". I said "excuse me, don't you mean our house"? She just laughed it off. I told her I didn't think it was funny as it minimizes my part in the family. She thought about it for a while and apologized to me. She didn't think it was a big deal. I told it was actually hurtful and I'd appreciate if she would use the term our house. That was that. I've heard her on the phone talking and actually catching and correcting herself when asking friends over. 
Like you I don't care for the conflict, mainly because I used to keep things bottled up and every once in a while I'd blow a gasket. Now if she does things I don't like or find borderline disrespectful I'll call her on it. I just make sure I treat her the same way because I KNOW she won't let me get away with it which is good. Since I've started standing my ground with her I'm a lot more confident around her and she enjoys it. 
I want what my kids to see is a truly happy couple and not just mom and dad that barely talk to each other. 
It's good to hear that you and your wife had a really good long talk. Just remember to call her on the things that you find disrespectful or hurtful. She will listen and she'll appreciate you more as you are more confident with yourself. 
Just my 2¢.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Nub, that's exactly what I've been dealing with. I'm glad it worked out for you, and I'm definitely going to call her out next time she does. Unfortunately, I know she will, but like your wife, I think mine just considers it "joking around". And I hate the conflict too. If it's someone that I work with, or a friend, or something like that, it's no big deal. Typical with guys, we have our say, listen to the other person, and if it's still bad, it might even come to a fight in the yard, but we're all friends afterwards. I've found that it's definitely a different ball game with the woman you love.
The most amazing thing about our conversation the other night was that she legitimately seemed surprised by the fact that I felt unappreciated and that she wasn't proud of me. This whole deal has been a huge lesson in being open and communicating, as everyone else has said


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

One thing to remember. When you do call her out and or start discussing matters, don't just open the flood gates. You'll overwhelm her and yourself. There's no reason to be afraid of telling your wife anything and be confident in your discussions. That's why she married you. Just be respectful of her feelings when you have these discussions. Getting pissed off will only get her pissed off, and that is just too counter productive. Make sure you really listen to her and not just nod your head and grunt. Ask what things you do that she would like to see you change, but if you think she's being unreasonable, call her on it. 
Communication in a marriage is of utmost importance (believe me I know). I found out after coming to this forum and now things almost feel like when we first started dating. We are both way happier


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

I'm sorry to bring this back up again, but I got such good advice earlier, I feel like I can count on ya'll to help me out some more.
I don't know much about this stuff, but everything I've been reading is suggesting that my wife may be a narcissist. Everything is always about her and her need to be superior. She wants everyone to know she works harder than anyone else possibly could. She's very proud when she chews someone out. She's controlling when it comes to everything. If I make an observation about how she's doing something, she takes it personally and tells me just how wrong I am. And my personal favorite, when we're around friends or family, and I say something she thinks is wrong, she'll very bluntly tell me that I'm wrong. These are the same traits I see with her mother and father. 
Again, my apologies for bringing it back up. I just want to know what ya'll think, and some help in figuring out what to do about it. It's systematically ruining my life (I know, that's dramatic, but it is affecting things in a very negative way). It's like being a prisoner


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds like she is one, and you will need to seek help to get the tools to deal with them.

They view themselves as superior, so they will never seek help, because there is nothing wrong with them.

You will never meet her expectations and she will want praise and agilation for everything that she does.

There is help out there if you want to deal with it.

I am not going to tell you what to do, because it is your choice if you want to cope with it or not.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

To be fair, she isn't like that all the time. She's gotten better lately. But it shows up suddenly, usually when she's around others willing to feed her ego under the guise of "girl power". And that seems to be where it stems from. The idea that no man will ever be dominate to her. I love her, and though I'm seeing that it makes me codependent, my only concern is her being happy. Who should I talk to about learning how to cope with this?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If your talking about your codependency issues, then a therapist. 

Even the way she sounds, she will likely score high on a narcissist test.

I am not saying she is full blown, you need to talk to someone for a diagnosis.

There are different levels to narcissism. Codependents and narcissist attract each other. 

One is willing to sacrifice themselves, even though it is detrimental to themselves, and the narcissist will feel like it is their due.

If your codependency is something you except, then you should not have children.

Children are blank slates, and they emulate the people around them.

Your children will either end up like your wife, or you.

Children that comes from disfunctional homes, tend to be disfunctional.

Most of the behavior they pick up is at home.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Thanks Fisty. That's great insight, and I appreciate it


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I largely agree with Fisty. 

Your wife certainly lacks empathy (at times) and shows narcissistic traits,, but seems much too controlled in herself to have a serious disorder.

There was a thread a couple days after this one started. Something like "I'm starting to really hate my wife". A few of us thought that was a narcissistic personality disorder. You should read it,, makes your wife seem like a puppy dog.

She was surprisingly receptive during your phone convo and backs down a little when you get tough with her. Also, that bit of unsolicited praise she gave you. Those are good signs. I guess you'd be constantly on a knife edge if you pulled her up on everything. The 'fighting' would likely be more stressful for you than just letting her be her overwhelming self.

I still think her mom (and weak dad) are responsible. Like a lot of people who set out to raise tough kids, mom's messed up in the usual way - failing to teach her that genuinely tough people aren't afraid to be, or to be seen being, vulnerable.

She doesn't want to be seen as being weak, your wife. I'm trying to decide if, in fact, she'd be quite sensitive if you could break down her wall of applied strength.
Not sure.
What to do,,

Since you managed a good talk,,try to arrange another. No need to lay it on thick,, just tell her she's a bit overwhelming with her 'always on' need to win. Something like that.


If you could just make your boundaries a little stronger - no 'winning' in front of friends. Letting her know you've had enough if she's 'at you' for too long - I have some hope that you might hold the key to this.

If not, it'll have to be the therapy route, if she'll go.

Could be a mild disorder but all that self control and no tantrums/rages - I'm sticking with mom/dad have messed her up.

Have a look at a few NPD / BPD pages. She has some commonalities but, I think you'll agree, those people ain't your wife.

Or find that other thread to see a guy who does have (almost certainly) an NPD wife. They're a horror show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

BobbyJ said:


> My apologies for not having said it early. I do understand that she is priority number one. I understand that my marriage is doomed if she is not. But, let's be fair, if I don't work, we've got a lot bigger problems than disrespect. *The being gone is something that I have to do for now, to make us financially secure. It's an opportunity that I will only be doing for a couple of years, and she is in complete agreement that it will help us out for the future.* I can also promise that my being gone is not the issue. As far as her needing a man around the house in order to survive, she's made it very clear that she's not one of those women. In fact, she's very "in your face" about it.


Bottom line is the two of you are taking a risk. The risk is that your marriage will survive these long stretches away from home for the end payoff of better financial security for the family long term. I do not believe that this job is your only option. I am sure that you can find another job that is local and one that can have you home almost every day of the year - but it would pay less. 

Not making a judgement here, but be honest about this being the plan that the two of you have in place. Sure, your wife may be telling you that she's all in on this, but extended lengths of separation in a marriage has a negative effect on the quality of the marriage. It just does. I hope it works out for the two of you; however, acknowledge that this is a risk that you are choosing to take for the marriage.


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## BobbyJ (Nov 5, 2014)

Dutchman, I checked out the link you were talking about. All I can really say is...... Wow. I'll be the first to admit my wife is nowhere near that much of a freak show. I mean... Wow. I'd have to agree with both you and Fisty. She has some of the symptoms, but they're relatively mild, and much better than they were when we first got married. 
Plan 9, I will agree that we're taking a risk. Not many couples would be able to live like we do, even though it is in the short term. But it's a calculated risk, one that we looked at from all angles. If I didn't feel that my wife could handle it, I'd be at home right now, hating my job, with both of us worrying about money problems. The one thing that our marriage has always been strong in is that we both have our own lives and don't have to be with each other 24 hours a day. I'd like to be home, but, contrary to all those who say my job is to blame, it wouldn't be terribly responsible for me to make less for us and be miserable at my job, and be facing the same issues. And it depends on your definition of separation. We may not get to see each other everyday, but we do get to talk everyday. And when we're apart, we're making plans to spend time when we're together. We're not going months on end without any contact


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Uh huh. A puppy. A snarly puppy, but a puppy nonetheless. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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