# Not sure how to title this



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Okay so I am looking for people's feedback, experiences, or just general viewpoints. 

I've been dating my girlfriend almost 19 months now. I have two children from previous marriage, son (11) and daughter (8), GF has none. From the get go we talked about if this would be an issue.

Fast forward roughly two months ago GF and I moved in. Kids live with us about three days a week. There have been some trying moments since GF doesn't have kids, has been single and independent. 

At first GF and daughter formed a great bond, while son was just off on his own. Lately, the GF and the son have been getting along really well, while my daughter and GF seems to have been strained (more from GF's point of view). 

Granted my daughter was spoiled with attention from me when I was separated and divorced; I've since reeled that in. I've even had a talk with daughter about sharing time, this is not an issue for my daughter. 

My GF seems to be easily frustrated lately by my daughter. I've noticed my daughter has had tendencies more to be clingy, follow us all around. I've talked with her. 

Hard part for me is treating both children fair, like if I come down on my son for something I have to do the same for my daughter.

GF has pointed that out as well. I know my GF loves my, and she really does love my children. It's been tough transition for her. Where the noise of my children (for the most time) is a welcome sound for me, I know sometimes it's not for my girlfriend. I know it all takes time but I sometimes feel so challenged at trying to blend both worlds. 

Maybe I sometimes have an unrealistic view of my children's behaviors, and my GF pointing them out is what I need but also tough to accept sometimes.

I've talked with GF and told her that I know that my love towards my children is different because they are my flesh, but that doesn't mean the love she has because she chooses to be around them isn't just as strong.

My GF has said numerous times that she knows my kids come first; and they should but I want so badly for our family to blend. If I lost my GF not only would I be devastated my children would be too.

What should my expectations be? Sorry I rambled but I'm just so torn right now. 

I don't want to just be the divorced dad that stays single until his kids get older and out of the house; but I want to make sure I do right by my children and myself.

-Proud


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Kids need structure, consistency, and, yes, they also need to learn discipline. You aren't their friend - you are their parent.

Yes, you need to be fair and treat both your children the same. You can't come down on your son for something without doing the same when your daughter does it.

Yes, kids do need to learn to use their "inside voices" instead of yelling at the top of their lungs in the house while playing. Parents do need to teach their kids to behave with consideration for others.

If your GF is pointing out some things you could be doing better, maybe it's a good idea for you to listen. During this transition period, she's a lot more likely to notice what you don't because you are less objective and have a lot of baggage associated with your divorce.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Have you thought about MC? Just to have some time to openly discuss with someone to guide some of the conversations? 

Girls love their daddys. They go through phases. Infant to 3/4 need Mom more. 6-10 Dad is HERO. 10-14/15/16 loves Dad but sees him more as protector (c*ck blocker) and loves Mom but sees her as stifling her burgeoning womanhood. A little older and she adores Dad and Mom and appreciates them equally but differently and gets their advice on their areas of expertise.

Your daughter is going through all of this AND she has a love/hate (not actually hate but a push/pull) relationship with your GF. It's all normal. You might have been overly doting to try and protect your daughter and she logically understands but she also misses your adoration. (I know NOTHING about boys so I only addressed what I know about girls and learned about girls from my counselor and our sessions with my daughter.)

Maybe you should try and schedule some family activities and let each child choose something they want to do. You sound like you are really trying to be cognizant of fairness - if you all go to son's karate match, then let daughter choose restaurant. If you go to daughter's baseball game, let son choose. Some nights will be about the parents - they choose the movie and you two choose what coffee/ice cream place to go to after.

Yes, scheduling takes the spontaneity out of life but it makes sure everyone's needs are met. Pick a date night and stick to it. Or always set aside a half-hour to catch up with GF after work each day and go sit by the side of each kid for 20 minutes (give or take depending on their needs) on their bed to converse. 

Since you and GF do have to co-parent (she is an adult in the house and therefore must be respected as such, even tho not a parent) why don't you list certain 'infractions' and what you think the consequences should be? This keeps you fair to both kids (one can't get away with talking back while the other does) but also provides some guidelines for GF for when she's alone with them and has to dish out punishment AND she'll know you'll back her and vice versa.

This may feel like you are removing that 'protection' you built in for them, but really, kids like routine, consistency and knowing what to expect. You don't have to announce anything to them - just have a plan and follow it.

She WILL love your kids like her own. Adopted children are loved just as much, for instance. But it takes time because she didn't raise them from infancy like you did. You've known them longer so of course you'll love them more. 

You may want to give GF some kid-free time, too - a bubble bath every night that is "her" time, or phone calls to girlfriends of hers, etc.

I think it's great you are so concerned and working so hard for everyone to be happy. Don't forget yourself, too!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Pwd, your girlfriend sounds great. It will take time and you have gotten some excellent advice. 8 - 10 is often a tough time for girls, so while it may be due to the new living arrangements, it may not be as well. Consistency is key. Fairness is over-rated (IMO) except on a very general level. Different kids need different things. Take the time to figure out what each of your children needs and then, tailor your approach to that.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

All very good advice.
Consistency and structure allow children to safely explore their world.

I'm sure it will all work out. There may be a few good books out there on the subject. 
Im hoping your newly made family will work out well.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hey boss,

As an FYI, having been in your GF's shoes. My experience was that over a period of time, knowing you are on a different, lower level, wears you down. I had to leave because it was eating me alive.

Good luck, it's hard to find the right person to fit into your life balance, but not impossible, I think.

Looking good brother,
Stretch


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Stretch - that's a shame. I would imagine the parent loves the children one way and the partner another way but loves them all just as much.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

My second marriage failed in part because my H was a stepfather and never felt like he was truly welcomed into our family. On reflection I think it would have been good to get some couples / family counselling at the very beginning. We had some of the same issues you have - he would comment on my parenting and I would resent it because, well, he hadn't lived with these kids their whole life and had never been a parent so what did he know? At first I was open to what i saw as his "suggestions" but eventually I just resented his "interference."

An IC I saw said that a stepparent shouldn't ever really take on the role of a full parent - they should be more like a coach. Which isn't to say that the birth parent and stepparent shouldn't agree to a way to approach discipline, but that the birth parent should be the one to administer it always. 

You have it a little easier if you only have the kids three days a week.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> My second marriage failed in part because my H was a stepfather and never felt like he was truly welcomed into our family. On reflection I think it would have been good to get some couples / family counselling at the very beginning. We had some of the same issues you have - he would comment on my parenting and I would resent it because, well, he hadn't lived with these kids their whole life and had never been a parent so what did he know? At first I was open to what i saw as his "suggestions" but eventually I just resented his "interference."
> 
> An IC I saw said that a stepparent shouldn't ever really take on the role of a full parent - they should be more like a coach. Which isn't to say that the birth parent and stepparent shouldn't agree to a way to approach discipline, but that the birth parent should be the one to administer it always.
> 
> You have it a little easier if you only have the kids three days a week.


Really good advice. I esp like the part of the step parent being in the role of a coach.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Stretch - that's a shame. I would imagine the parent loves the children one way and the partner another way but loves them all just as much.


I think you are exactly correct. From the perspective of self-improvement, I probably need to mature a little bit more (pushing 50 and maturing, LOL), but I suspect there is an opportunity to raise my self-esteem level to accept differnet kinds of love are just that, different but not subordinate to each other.

Thanks for your thoughts,
Stretch


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