# Letting It All Out....Long



## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I know it's been awhile. I did my originally post on here in 2007. After posting, I figured with the comments, that maybe I was over reacting and decided to see what I could do to make my marriage work. And try I did. 

I decided that maybe he was right. I did have problems. Ton's of trust issues from a previous relationship not to mention self esteem issues (thinking I was fat, even if I did just have a baby, not pretty enough, etc.). So I went to counseling; went for a few months. Counselor asked if H would come with me, I did ask him, his answer, "Why should I go, I am not the one with the problem". I was embarrassed but I told the counselor what he said, C didn't know what to say. In the end, I stopped going because I hit a rock. I couldn't better myself anymore unless I was going to get help from home. 

Even with the counseling, my self esteem wouldn't come up. I kept thinking I was fat, I wasn't good looking, didn't have the body he wanted. Why? Because I heard the words from him. Fat azz, wow check out those boobs on her, what an azz. What would any woman think if she constantly heard that? I also would get comments about my upbringing (being raised in the country). "What did you say? That's the hick coming out". Granted he might have been saying it to be funny. But you know what, it's not funny after awhile. It starts to hurt. Getting sick of being put down, stupid, not knowing what I am talking about, etc.

Now, as a couple of years have gone by, did things get better? No they haven't. He still keeps secrets from me. After catching him a few years back with that personal ad trying to trust him is hard. Now he keeps everything to himself. He's put a password on his computer, when he doing something on it and I walk in, he closes it or shuts it off. When he is talking with his mother and I walk into the room, they change subjects or don't say anything more. I AM HIS WIFE!!! Why does he do that? I was in his truck when his cell phone rang, he said "oh ****", then picked up the phone. It was his accountant, that is how I found out, by him talking to the acct that he was going for a personal loan with his mom co-signing. Why? Because he wanted to pay off all his bills so he had 1 payment not a bunch of them. Great right, taking responsibility. Well, fine and dandy, but his bills are his bills and mine are mine. I make min amount of money with my paycheck. I can only afford daycare for our daughter and gas for the week. He is paying off all his bills and not helping me with even doctors bills that I have. Are husbands and wives supposed to share these and finances or are they separate? Secrets?

Sex: now that is a different story. He has let himself go since we got married. Hasn't really had any interest in me since I got pregnant with our 3 1/2 yr. old. Since we got married almost 4 years ago, he has put on a lot of weight which doesn't bother me. But hell, he used to ride his mountain bike with me, roller blade, take walks, etc. Now he does nothing for exercise. Maybe hiking once in awhile every few months. At least he showers, that's a good thing. He won't brush his teeth everyday. I have gotten to the point where I tell him he needs to brush. It's gross! Anyway, going off the subject, sorry. He is into different things when it comes to the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I am not a prude. I like to try things one and if I like them, then heck, spice it up. But he likes rough, all the time, no affection being put into it. He goes down on me, comes up, wants me to jerk him off. Done. Maybe once a month he wants penetration but only with him being on bottom so he doesn't have to do anything. He just lays there. No sounds, maybe a little heavy breathing and that's it. He actually told me that he'd rather jerk off than have sex, he didn't have to do anything. What do I think about that? Honestly, most of the time because of everything, I am glad not to have sex. It's a chore now, after not getting the love I need. 

I am now tired of everything. I am tired of trying to save a marriage that is loveless. Not hearing the words hurt. He thinks because he gives me material things he is loving me. I need to more than material things. I have stayed, like many others, because of our child. But after hearing him yell at me in front her, she is starting to do the same thing. She yells at me, strikes out and **** she is only going to 4 next month. I can go on and on about so many things that he has done or does. But I don't want to bore you anymore. How long should I keep trying? How long do I listen to the degrading comments? How long to I let this "loveless" marriage go on? I know deep in my heart that I do not belong here. But I am scared to be alone. I know I can't raise my daughter on my own because I will have to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet. Do I stay and end up hating him? Please someone help me. I am ready to give up on it all, including love.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Oh honey you have tried! If you are ready to give it up then make a plan. Stash some money. Think about living arrangements. Is your family supportive?

If you want to stay then something has to change...him. If he doesn't care to or want to them....you have your answer of what the next _years will be like.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Get away from this seflish, sad, toxic human being!


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

Thank you guys, you made me cry. But I am scared to death. We bought my jeep together and its not pd off yet. He is a great father and can support our daughter better than I will be able to in the beginning. I know my family will be extremely angry for leaving my daughter with him but I am not going to be selfish, take her from the home she has known all her life, knowing I will be working day and night to make ends meet. Where will that leave her? With someone else besides family. But my family will be supportive of me leaving him. None of them like him anyway because of the way he treats me. I have lost contact with them because he would never go with me and its a 2 1/2 hr drive. He drove my oldest daughter away (which isn't his) and now she hardly speaks to me. I won't move back home because there is nothing there anymore. So it's up to me. I am looking for another job during the day since I work 3-11. I want to get the Jeep pd off, put some money away, then spill the beans to him. Trying to talk to him...HA!..that's like pulling teeth with numbness. He stares at the TV and when I ask him if he's listening, he says he can multi-task, watch TV and listen....which to me means he is listening to me but he isn't hearing what I have to say. 

I guess lately it's just easier to play the games, act like a perfect, happy family on the outside while I am crying on the inside.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

Well, another day has gone by since I posted. I get more and more annoyed, so upset, angry even. Okay, I don't make a heck of a lot of money. Not too low, not too high. But with daycare being so expensive, it takes up 3/4 of my paycheck since I am responsible for it which is fine, she is my child also. But get this. H asked if I had the extra money for the car payment this month. I didn't think anything of it, I got holiday pay in this check so I would be fine. Until he told me how much the payment was, when asked how come it was more expensive than I remember, he replied, "Because it's late. If I don't have the money, then I pay everything late". What the heck? When I tried to figure how much I would have for a week (until next Fri which is payday) I realized it left me 73. for the week to get gas and lunch. When I told him his response to this was,"Well for 15.00 you can go down to deli get 1lb of cheese, 1lb of lunch meat and you get 1/2 dz bagels free, that should last you the week". I asked him, why he couldn't have just grabbed some extra lunch meat while he was down there so we could both have lunch meat. He told me he wasn't going to do that because I won't take turkey sandwiches all week. WOW! I was fuming. I didn't write the check for the car payment. I wasn't even going to give it to him. I was going to make him pay for it again because I do need stuff for lunch. But before he left for the shop, he asked for the check. I was so angry, I wouldn't even kiss him good-bye when he asked. What a selfish piece of crap!!! Now what, the only thing I am trying to do which will suck, make me extremely tired and never at home, is get a second job. But I will have to do. I need to save money. I have no idea what to do anymore.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Start talking with your family again. Get connected and get support.

Maybe you can stay with them for a few months while you work and save money??? I know they are far away..so obviously you need another job. Start planning and start looking.


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