# My husband's in mourning, my mind is elsewhere! Need to hear a man's view. LONG



## wolfecub (Mar 17, 2012)

I need some help! History first up, been with hubby for 14yr, married for 3. in our early 30, We have 3 great kids (5, 2 and 7months). I have only really been with him, i have never experienced other sexual relationships, he had one other girlfriend before me. We have never had a wild sex life, (before you ask i would consider us both good looking people, him more so not that looks should matter) i was not that interested when we were young and he never pushed the situation. We have both suffered depression after the birth of our last son, but have been getting help together and we were really making progress. 

Then 2 weeks ago, his father whom he had a great relationship with, was killed in a horrific accident at work. I had to call H and tell him the news. He came straight home, pretty much packed a bag and drove 4 hours to be with his nan (whose husband passed away 1month ago) which i could totally understand why he need to be with her, losing a husband and a son within a month i could not imagine the pain she felt and still feels. 
Next day he booked a flight to go to were his dad was. Drove home to me, packed another bag (i saw him for 1 hour as i drove him to the airport) almost missed his flight so he jumped out of the car, not even a kiss good buy. I drove home in tears the youngest in the back crying with me! 
He stayed with his step mum for around 4 days waiting while inquest were taking place and what not. In the mean time i could not get baby-sitter for the kids so could not be there to support him. This has made me feel extremely isolated and useless basically not needed by my husband. (i know feeling sorry for myself) He did have his step brother and sisters (meeting them for the 2nd time they live at the top end of the country and we on the bottom) And they took fantastic care of him, I feel terribly guilty for it but i am very upset it was not me helping him through one of the toughest time of his life.
He returned home and didn't want to talk about it so i tried to give him space, said I'm here when you need me. 
This is what i need help with. That night i wanted to ripe his cloths off him, i longed for him, though it felt wrong he didn't seem to mind! but he could not finish. Again i figured greef had a lot to do with it, so at first i did not mind, my heart was broken for him. 
My problem is, this feeling of wanting to be with him, won't go away (and i don't want it to) I love him so much. After the funeral and the 10th night of not touching me(this includes no hugs), i talked to him about it (we have had this discussion a few times before) Why don't you want to be with me, What can i do to help you enjoy it(i must be doing something wrong and i must add he is great at it) he always replies with i just want you and you to be happy! So the talk at least bought hugs and kisses back into regular day stuff. Which i love but each night after hugs and he rolls over to sleep i cry quietly and if i can't be quite about it i get up, pretend I'm checking the kids and don't come back till i have scanned the internet looking for answer, Why am i such a crap wife, while my husband is trying to morn losing his father, i just want to show him every ounce of passion i have in my body!!
I feel like I'm turning this into something about me instead of supporting my husband in his time of need. I can't get out of my head, and now I'm wondering has he ever really passionately uncontrollably wanted me. I think the answer is, no. Its not the first time he couldn't finish, he has always lasted a LONG time. (i thought this was a good thing?) he can go months without needing me (I quietly let my fingers do the walking if he seems not interested). 
Anyway i need some ideas on how to get more answer without hurting him or making him more paranoid or feel inadequate about it. Or if anyone can shine some light as to why this sought of thing happens with what seems few men? 
My head is telling me i feel like this because its the only thing i can do that might bring a little happiness back for him (even if it is brief). Im not sure if I'm the worst person on earth right now, i should only be wiring about my husband but i can't help it and i don't know what to do? I realise this is not the time to bring it all up with him, that is why this is so long i needed to vent. if you made it this far thank you for reading.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

His depression could explain his lack of desire. Not being able to finish is not abnormal. If he is on an anti-depressant medication it can affect his moods and his libido.

Stop blaming yourself for all of this. There are a lot of possible explanations. I don't think this is a do-it-yourself repair. You two should seek marriage therapy with a qualified psychologist who understands medications. An objective third person who knows your situation from both sides and who knows your history and medications would be in a good position to steer you towards the right solutions.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

He definitely sounds depressed. He doesn't want to talk about it because men are not supposed to be emotionally needy.

Take a look at this article on male depression and sex drive:

Depression: Effects on Your Sex Life and How to Increase Libido

He should see a doctor about this. Be aware that anti-depressants can also affect sex drive, so it's a Catch 22. But he does need to seek help--it is not your fault, and he will need someone else to lead him out of this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You don't sound like a crap wife to me. You sound like a great wife who happens to be in over her head at the moment. Look, grief isn't easy. And this sounds like a very difficult time. Keep doing what you're doing, he'll come around. Don't feel rejected, or at least don't feel like the rejection is personal. He's going to need some time to sort this out and there's probably little you can do except be there.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is a really bad time to be deciding to take on the "why doesn't he want me more" question. Geez, you *know* you are making this about you, so stop. Let him grieve as he needs to. Get some individual counseling in the meantime. You can bring up the sex issue at another time. He needs to grieve in his way and no matter how much you "want to help," you probably can't--and honestly, it sounds like you want to be the star, his savior, not like you really want to help him. So get some help for yourself--that's the best way to help him right now.


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## wolfecub (Mar 17, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies, the link was very helpful. @ sister359 i was already thinking that, I'm not totally heartless why do you think I'm posting here and not talking about this with the one person that really maters! but thank you for confirming it for me. 

We are currently seeing a psychologist together, next appointment at the end of the week. I asked him to go alone, so he could talk out what he needed too, but he asked that i be there too. My only reason now (since reading some new information) to bring this up in therapy, for him, would be it does show a longer history of depression than first thought. 
He was on antidepressants for about 4 months be fore weaning off over another 2 months. Our Dr was fine with this. My H said they took away the bad feelings, but just as much of the good ones too. he felt no reaction to anything really. and he disliked this even more than being down. 
I originally posted in the mens section because i want to hear from a mans mind how this would effect you hearing it from a partner? But i have also realised i would have to right a novel to really give enough insight. and know one can really tell me how my husband would feel. but it has been a massive help getting this off my chest here. 

I would of course love to be his "savior" he is the love of my life, and he is hurting so naturally i want to fix this, (i do realise i can not) i'm just guessing i want to do the one thing a wife could do at this point, and bring happiness through the bedroom. The more i read the more I'm starting to get it. I also find it a little silly that i am getting upset that he may find help elsewhere, when i am doing the same thing!


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## lovinhusband (Feb 25, 2012)

Men will grieve in their own way, usually quietly, it's normal. He may have dreaded the eventual passing of his father for some time and wished things could have been different all along. Maybe secretly he was wishing he was not so far away from his father while he was still alive???


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Men grieve in their own way, some take longer than others.

Give him time-he'll be back. Just please, PLEASE...don't try dragging him out of his "cave". When he's ready, he'll be back.


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## wolfecub (Mar 17, 2012)

Since first posting this I have found it a lot easier to step back and give him his space. He is already opening up a little and I guess he will more as time goes by. I have put away my other concerns till far in the future when we can both be understanding, that's not to say they don't worry me! 
I get now this is how he grieves and I also get this is how I grieve, in trying to make our family unit as strong as possible. Life is to short to worry about half the stuff I worry about, I just want to know my H is happy! But I'll give him the time and space he need to work on that. It's crazy how different men and women are in expressing emotions? 
You are right there was a lot of unresolved issues between H and his dad mostly around the amount of time they had together when H was growing up. And other things that I won't get in to here because they are his personal problems and not mine to rant about! 
Thank you for giving me the male perspective in this. Apologies for emotional jumping but sleep deprivation has made it hard for me to see a clear pitcher on this this at times. But I do believe I have hit the right place now to be a better support to my H. (though another vent may follow in the weeks to come, but better on here than on my H)


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## lovinhusband (Feb 25, 2012)

wolfecub said:


> Since first posting this I have found it a lot easier to step back and give him his space. He is already opening up a little and I guess he will more as time goes by. I have put away my other concerns till far in the future when we can both be understanding, that's not to say they don't worry me!
> I get now this is how he grieves and I also get this is how I grieve, in trying to make our family unit as strong as possible. Life is to short to worry about half the stuff I worry about, I just want to know my H is happy! But I'll give him the time and space he need to work on that. It's crazy how different men and women are in expressing emotions?
> You are right there was a lot of unresolved issues between H and his dad mostly around the amount of time they had together when H was growing up. And other things that I won't get in to here because they are his personal problems and not mine to rant about!
> Thank you for giving me the male perspective in this. Apologies for emotional jumping but sleep deprivation has made it hard for me to see a clear pitcher on this this at times. But I do believe I have hit the right place now to be a better support to my H. (though another vent may follow in the weeks to come, but better on here than on my H)



Wolfcub:
I once knew a man who lost his father, when his father died the man retreated to the back side of his farm overlooking a scenic picturesque valley. There the man grieved, he remembered, and he found peace with himself, his father, and his maker. When he told me the story of what went on in this particular scenic valley, it choked me a bit too as I remembered my own aging father at home, who lucky for me was still alive. It brought a new sense of what's important. My time here is better spent with him now than it used to be. It's all about coming to terms and second chances or lack there of. He'll come back to you, he loves you, and needs you as well, just that right now the usual forms of intimacy are not going to be real high on his list.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> This is a really bad time to be deciding to take on the "why doesn't he want me more" question. Geez, you *know* you are making this about you, so stop. Let him grieve as he needs to. Get some individual counseling in the meantime. You can bring up the sex issue at another time. He needs to grieve in his way and no matter how much you "want to help," you probably can't--and honestly, it sounds like you want to be the star, his savior, not like you really want to help him. So get some help for yourself--that's the best way to help him right now.


I'm sorry. I have to totally agree. Your husband is grieving and you are making this all about you and your desire to be the salve for his wounds. Be a supportive wife and meet HIS needs in this time of stress. Stop acting like you are the center of the universe. And also stop thinking his action and feeling at the current time have anything at all to do with you..

Just MHO


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

KanDo said:


> I'm sorry. I have to totally agree. Your husband is grieving and you are making this all about you and your desire to be the salve for his wounds. Be a supportive wife and meet HIS needs in this time of stress. Stop acting like you are the center of the universe. And also stop thinking his action and feeling at the current time have anything at all to do with you..
> 
> Just MHO


Tad unfair don't you think? OP acknowledged all of the above. Because this time is about him doesn't mean she isn't entitled to feelings too. That's why she said she came here to vent instead of burdening him. She's not acting like she's center of the universe, but her feelings do count too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wolfecub (Mar 17, 2012)

Thank you golfergirl. 
H is doing well considering, is going on a (we miss you dad) camping trip over Easter with his dads best mate, and some other old friends. Will be a great opportunity for him to remember the great man his dad was and the many life's he was part of and people that loved him.


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