# Blended Family. Struggling



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Married 3 years this October. I'm almost 50, she almost 40. 

5 total kids- 13 yr D and 10 yr S mine; 11, 10 and 6 hers. 

Biggest issues are always conflicts between my D and my wife. We are christian and believe in the christian image of marriage, in the sense that the parents/marriage become one and are unified. 

Overall the kids -- esp the girls- get along. They do a lot of things together. My oldest and her oldest butt heads, I think they both want to lead and my daughter can be bossy-- she is a good leader, creative, organizes activities well, but can come across as bossy if she gets stressed or things are not working out. She is growing up though, learning patience around that. Wife's oldest doesnt handle some of this well and sometimes there are fights between them that have my wife and I taking sides. We are working on this. 

My wife is very faithful, has all the best intentions, and wants to guide the kids to make good decisions and grow up with good morals. Sometimes though it is a lot. My daughter feels very picked on by her, and even though I know I am supposed to be with my wife-- we are not on the same page because I can tell why my daughter feels this way. It often feels like my wife is watching her like a hawk waiting for my daughter to do something wrong, and frankly she has said some pretty awful things about my daughter in the past that I am still getting past. 

I do not really know where I am going with this. Just kind of venting and rambling. 


What ends up happening though is my wife feels like I abandon here (because I do shut down when there is constant fighting) and I basically hate my life. I am very close to giving up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

uwe.blab said:


> We are christian and believe in the christian image of marriage, in the sense that the parents/marriage become one and are unified.





uwe.blab said:


> even though I know I am supposed to be with my wife-- we are not on the same page because I can tell why my daughter feels this way. It often feels like my wife is watching her like a hawk waiting for my daughter to do something wrong, and frankly she has said some pretty awful things about my daughter in the past





uwe.blab said:


> I basically hate my life. I am very close to giving up.


^^This^^ stood out to me. And it doesn't make any sense. You start by saying you want your marriage to be "unified." The you go on to say you and your wife are not on the same page, your wife picks on your daughter and says awful things about her, and you are ready to give up.

Doesn't sound even vaguely like a "Christian" marriage to me. We're only getting your side of the situation. You say you "feel" your wife is watching your daughter just so she can catch her doing something wrong so she can pounce on her. Also you claim your wife has said terrible things about your daughter. What qualifies as "awful"?

All I can tell you is get the entire family into counseling NOW.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> ^^This^^ stood out to me. And it doesn't make any sense. You start by saying you want your marriage to be "unified." The you go on to say you and your wife are not on the same page, your wife picks on your daughter and says awful things about her, and you are ready to give up.
> 
> Doesn't sound even vaguely like a "Christian" marriage to me. We're only getting your side of the situation. You say you "feel" your wife is watching your daughter just so she can catch her doing something wrong so she can pounce on her. Also you claim your wife has said terrible things about your daughter. What qualifies as "awful"?
> 
> All I can tell you is get the entire family into counseling NOW.


Well, she has called her a b*tch. Spoiled brat. When my daughter's therapist said she has depression and should be on meds, after my daughter started the meds (and it was a BIG deal for her as a 13-yr-old to feel that stigma) "I am having a hard time feeling any empathy for her".


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, she has called her a b*tch. Spoiled brat. When my daughter's therapist said she has depression and should be on meds, after my daughter started the meds (and it was a BIG deal for her as a 13-yr-old to feel that stigma) "I am having a hard time feeling any empathy for her".


Has she called her those things to her face or when speaking to you?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your daughter is on the verge of becoming a young woman with all the raging hormones this implies. She needs the support of her Dad more than ever.
Your wife doesn’t come across as a particularly kind person and she certainly lacks empathy. Is she trying to be the wicked stepmother because she’s certainly succeeding in her endeavors.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> Married 3 years this October. I'm almost 50, she almost 40.
> 
> 5 total kids- 13 yr D and 10 yr S mine; 11, 10 and 6 hers.
> 
> ...


Do your children spend time with their mum? Do her children spend time with their dad?
Can you find people in your church who can support you all and advise?Have you spoken to your pastor?


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Yikes. May I suggest you visit “steptalk.org.”

Stepfamilies almost never blend perfectly. It is ridiculous to expect this, so firstly, get used to the step drama.

Secondly, your wife should not be parenting your daughter. You should. 13 is most definitely the age where girls will start to viciously turn against their stepmother. Instead of trying to play referee between your wife and daughter, you should take your wife’s word as gold unless your daughter absolutely has solid proof against her. Install nanny cams in the house if you need to.

Thirdly, if your daughter is claiming that your wife is “out to get her,” then that daughter should never be left alone with your wife. Your daughter has two parents - you and her biomom. Your wife should be acting in more of a friendly aunt role or even completely detached if your children and she cannot have peace together. This is up to you to figure out what sort of after school programs, sitters etc to help with your daughter. Again, raising your children is not your wife’s job. She married you, not your kids, and as much as I’m sure she wants to help and has the best of intentions, the type of arrangement where a stepmother parents her stepchildren regularly almost never works out in the end.

It may seem like this is a marriage problem, but it’s not. This is a parenting problem, and you’re the parent.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, she has called her a b*tch.


Wow. Nice mouth. You claim to be a Christian. So why don't you meet with your pastor?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

How long did you date before marriage?


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## abigailla (Jul 14, 2021)

Your daughter is growing up, hormones on her mood and behavior. She needs your support. Perhaps she lacks communication with her real mother? And talk to your wife, why is she so negative about your daughter?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

These are all very young kids. I have so many questions! How long were you divorced before you met your wife? How long until you all moved in together? Do the kids all divide their time with their bio parents? Whose house are you living in?

I have a 16 year old with generalized anxiety disorder. Depression in a kid that age (in anyone!) is a serious diagnosis. Is your daughter in therapy? Have the other kids been screened for depression? 

After years of therapy and medication, my daughter and I both reported to the psychologist that her anxiety was gone (in remission is the term they use. Still learning all this!). But, her schoolwork was oddly problematic, and I asked that she be screened for executive function disorder and ADHD. Long story short, she still had clinical levels of anxiety. She was so improved, but neither of us realized that she still had quite a ways to go. I just tell you this because 6 years in, I'm still learning about her anxiety and how it affects her. 

It will also affect the whole family. So even if that were your only issue, you'd all feel the stress. I'm sure there's more, but I think family therapy is the way to go here. With depression at your daughter's age, it should be mandatory!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm also really concerned that your daughter feels a stigma surrounding her medication or depression. Where is that coming from? Kids these days, at least in my area, are far more aware of mental health. I'd want to find out more about where these feelings are coming from.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I couldn't be with a person who calls my daughter a b*tch.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I couldn't be with a person who calls my daughter a b*tch.


Normally, I would feel the same, but I have a feeling we aren’t getting the entire story.
OP was careful to glorify his daughter before admitting she “can be a bit bossy when she doesn’t get her way.”
Perhaps the OP’s daughter has been bullying the wife’s daughter.
We don’t know, because a lot of times divorce can result in parents not disciplining their children as well as they would have in an intact family. The “Disney Dad” phenomenon is common in step families and often results in spoiled children and an undermined / frustrated / under appreciated stepmother.
If the biomom does not actively encourage her children to embrace the stepmother, the stepmother will become victim to horrible step children antics every time.
OP still hasn’t said if his wife called her a ***** in private to the OP or said it to the child. I’m guessing in private, and probably because her own daughter has been victim to the stepdaughter far too much. Just speculation here, but this type of scenario is so incredibly common that it’s almost predictable.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Bluesclues said:


> Has she called her those things to her face or when speaking to you?


Yes. The one about not having empathy was said to a counselor in my presence.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Do your children spend time with their mum? Do her children spend time with their dad?
> Can you find people in your church who can support you all and advise?Have you spoken to your pastor?


Mine do spend time with their mother, however she is extremely unreliable and my daughter really doesnt like to be at her mom's anymore. Her mom has not been able to hold a job for 9 years-- had a few and they usually last no longer than 5-6 months. So, she says her mom sleeps until afternoon and then sits outside and smokes cigarettes most of the time. That is probably a slight exagerration but at her age she is getting to understand what normal adults do (typically a job or engage with their children-- full-time caregiver). My son is more protective of the mom but also has less desire to 'do things' than my daughter, who is very active/does not like spending any day just sitting around. 

The step-daughters-- their dad died 2 years ago. 43 yrs old and very bad drinking problem. Their visits with him were somewhat sporadic just because he was often drinking. His body just finally stopped.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

MEA said:


> Yikes. May I suggest you visit “steptalk.org.”
> 
> Stepfamilies almost never blend perfectly. It is ridiculous to expect this, so firstly, get used to the step drama.
> 
> ...


I agree-- we have talked quite often, and implemented plans to have her NOT parent my daughter. Things are so much better. Then....something happens and wife....parents her and does not like the attitude (which she shouldn't). But then I am like.....why did you have to go at her like that? to wife....and that undermines my own ability to parent. I have a hard time 'siding' with my wife when I see what my daughter is seeing-- my wife watching her, nagging at her, right when either of them are together.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

northernlights said:


> I'm also really concerned that your daughter feels a stigma surrounding her medication or depression. Where is that coming from? Kids these days, at least in my area, are far more aware of mental health. I'd want to find out more about where these feelings are coming from.


she just doesnt want to be 'different'. i think that is very common for a 13 year old. she is getting used to it though.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

abigailla said:


> Your daughter is growing up, hormones on her mood and behavior. She needs your support. Perhaps she lacks communication with her real mother? And talk to your wife, why is she so negative about your daughter?


We talk about it so much that i actually asked that we stop talking about it sometimes. for awhile it was 30-60 minutes every single night before bed. exhausting.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> How long did you date before marriage?


we dated about 18 months. she was pretty newly divorced when we met, like just divorced. I had been divorced 4-5 years.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

MEA said:


> Normally, I would feel the same, but I have a feeling we aren’t getting the entire story.
> OP was careful to glorify his daughter before admitting she “can be a bit bossy when she doesn’t get her way.”
> Perhaps the OP’s daughter has been bullying the wife’s daughter.
> We don’t know, because a lot of times divorce can result in parents not disciplining their children as well as they would have in an intact family. The “Disney Dad” phenomenon is common in step families and often results in spoiled children and an undermined / frustrated / under appreciated stepmother.
> ...


She called her a b**** in private to me, but her kids were at the door listening and immediately told my daughter that their mom said that. My wife claims her daughter didnt tell her but that my daughter came in the door (she was babysitting a neighbor) and heard it herself. As if that is better (i guess it takes the onus off her own daughter-- the oldest-- whom I am pretty sure would be happier if we were not together).


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

It appears your wife jumped into another marriage without learning how to be a stepparent. Some reading and family therapy might help. You need to raise and discipline your daughter, not your wife.

Her calling your daughter a B shows me she’s immature and maybe too immature to be around your daughter for now.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

MEA said:


> Normally, I would feel the same, but I have a feeling we aren’t getting the entire story.
> OP was careful to glorify his daughter before admitting she “can be a bit bossy when she doesn’t get her way.”
> Perhaps the OP’s daughter has been bullying the wife’s daughter.
> We don’t know, because a lot of times divorce can result in parents not disciplining their children as well as they would have in an intact family. The “Disney Dad” phenomenon is common in step families and often results in spoiled children and an undermined / frustrated / under appreciated stepmother.
> ...


I totally understand the bullying concerns and am constantly addressing things with my daughter, especially around her relationship with the oldest step-sister and with my wife. I have to say, the bio sisters fight like crazy, and that is hardly ever discussed between my wife and me (probably because i do not really try to parent them). The oldest daughter DOES say that my daughter is awful to her-- says stuff to my wife like, "mom, you don't even know". However, in trying to address this I have gotten nowhere. I see the normal kid-fighting stuff. I do think her oldest resents no longer really being the oldest now because as soon as my daughter is out of the house she is bossing her bio sisters. 

In any case, I am having a hard time not remembering that I was really happy in that time between marriages....maybe I am not remembering things accurately because I am feeling so beat down.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> It appears your wife jumped into another marriage without learning how to be a stepparent. Some reading and family therapy might help. You need to raise and discipline your daughter, not your wife.
> 
> Her calling your daughter a B shows me she’s immature and maybe too immature to be around your daughter for now.


In regards to the idea of her not parenting, when we go that route and things fall apart it is because she says she feels like she is supposed to just sit there and not say anything and that is not her. This is true. I have learned with my daughter that it is better to NOT engage when things get emotional and that after 30 minutes or so my daughter is open to rational discussion and almost always apologizes.


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## abigailla (Jul 14, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> We talk about it so much that i actually asked that we stop talking about it sometimes. for awhile it was 30-60 minutes every single night before bed. exhausting.


Then maybe you should go for a joint therapy with a family relations counselor?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> She called her a b**** in private to me, but her kids were at the door listening and immediately told my daughter that their mom said that. My wife claims her daughter didnt tell her but that my daughter came in the door (she was babysitting a neighbor) and heard it herself. As if that is better (i guess it takes the onus off her own daughter-- the oldest-- whom I am pretty sure would be happier if we were not together).


Take off the rose-colored glasses.

All you DO is make excuses for your daughter rather than admit she's got an attitude and is creating trouble in your house.

Did your wife know she was going to have to basically be raising your kids for you before she married you? With your ex (their mother) being a deadbeat and not a viable parenting option, it looks like it's fallen on your wife's shoulders to do it. She's a brave woman. I would have never stepped into this **** show.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Take off the rose-colored glasses.
> 
> All you DO is make excuses for your daughter rather than admit she's got an attitude and is creating trouble in your house.
> 
> Did your wife know she was going to have to basically be raising your kids for you before she married you? With your ex (their mother) being a deadbeat and not a viable parenting option, it looks like it's fallen on your wife's shoulders to do it. She's a brave woman. I would have never stepped into this **** show.


Listen to this. If you don’t want your 2nd marriage to blow up, you need to smooth things between your daughter and wife. 

Also, you mentioned that you don’t parent her daughters. They lost their father and could use an involved father figure. If done in love, building a relationship with them will help strengthen marriage by taking on some of your wife’s burden. When your wife sees you trying to build a relationship with her daughters and you curbing some of your daughter’s bossiness, she will soften her heart towards your daughter. A blended family can thrive but it takes a lot of work.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Take off the rose-colored glasses.
> 
> All you DO is make excuses for your daughter rather than admit she's got an attitude and is creating trouble in your house.
> 
> Did your wife know she was going to have to basically be raising your kids for you before she married you? With your ex (their mother) being a deadbeat and not a viable parenting option, it looks like it's fallen on your wife's shoulders to do it. She's a brave woman. I would have never stepped into this **** show.


I actually do the majority of the caretaking in our home, including with her children. I am working from home and she is not, so making dinnner every night, driving kids to activities, etc, that's almost always on me. My daughter's therapist AND all the counselors my wife and I have had have advised her to back off the parenting of my kids. She doesnt fo the caretaking but is very vocal about.....a lot of stuff that is not helpful, frankly. 

In any case, she is definitely not "basically raising my kids"


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

jsmart said:


> Listen to this. If you don’t want your 2nd marriage to blow up, you need to smooth things between your daughter and wife.
> 
> Also, you mentioned that you don’t parent her daughters. They lost their father and could use an involved father figure. If done in love, building a relationship with them will help strengthen marriage by taking on some of your wife’s burden. When your wife sees you trying to build a relationship with her daughters and you curbing some of your daughter’s bossiness, she will soften her heart towards your daughter. A blended family can thrive but it takes a lot of work.


Well, yeah. I do try to connect with them and considering their dad's passing I have made some good progress. When my kids are not here, we do sushi night-- all on me because my wife (and my own kids) hate it, but her daughters love it. So we do that together. I take the oldest to all of her allergy shots, set up all the appointments. At one point she had to go once a week and it was me who got there through that, to the point where she had to go twice a week, and I got her to enough appointments that she has to go every 3 weeks. Before I took this over she would miss a week and have to start back over. Am I perfect? No. I have resentment toward them at times because of the conflict between my wife and my daughter.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Do you all get to have fun as a family? Everyone needs shared experiences to bond. Family game night? Family hikes? Something that everyone enjoys and is either new to everyone, or everyone has an equal ability at. This part is key, because if you're doing stuff that, say, you and your daughters do together all the time and the wife and her kids don't do, you'll just be reinforcing insider/outside roles. 

Sometimes you need to work on that foundation of good will so that people involved will be motivated to want to improve all of the relationships involved.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Was there ever a time your daughter and her got along great? A time when they enjoyed being around each other?


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