# I am an Effed up mess! ...thought time would help....



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I think I am broken. Like really broken. Maybe I am losing it? I don't know. Just seems like I don't trust anyone. Anythink nice that is said about me by anyone I just shrug off....don't believe it. Low self esteem? Yes, I suppose. I feel I have no value. If there is a mistake to be made, I make it. Men fall in love with me....I push them away and tell them they are better off with someone else....that someone else will make them far happier than I ever could. The first man I did this to was my ex husband after he cheated on me....and then we attempted to reconcile. I have done it to every man since. I am doing it to me 'fiance' now. It is just a matter of time before I complelty push him away, or he gives up, or I just tell him we are done....period. I know I do it. Almost seems like I can't control it. I used to me normal....before my ex did what he did. Now I just feel crazy. Yes, I have been in counseling.....although I am not currently going. I am just a broken mess.....

Help? Advice? Be gentle please..... Feeling very low right now....


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What did your ex do that causes this. Just because a man cheats doesnt necessarily mean the 'other' is better than you. There are other reasons for cheating.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

He cheated....with a lot of women....lied about lots of things...from when he was working... to money....to criminal charges...

Basically feel like the whole marriage was a lie. 

I was all in....believed every word he said....thought he loved me like I love him. Thought he was committed as I was.

Long story as they all are I guess.....he really tore my world apart....left me emotionally and finacially DEVASTED...

more than anything maybe i just don't trust my own judgement...i question everything......believe nothing...from my own thoughts to what others say.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Many men fool women see all the other stories here. In the olden times her father had to decide who her husband should be. You have a fiance now its not fair on him to treat him like that. Somehow you have to tell him you find trust difficult because of what youve been through. I am sure that he will help.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

To me it sounds like you are in a deflective mode because you just don't want to go through the hassle of possibly being hurt again, honestly I'm kind of doing the same thing. Do you really have low self esteem or are your thoughts more along the lines of sooner or later things are going to fall apart with this guy so let's just push it and see where the cracks are now and save us both time and grief? 

If self esteem is really the issue you shouldn't be dating anyway, depending on someone else to make you feel good about yourself is never a good idea. If you have lost confidence in yourself take dating off the agenda for now and focus on fixing you, the list is endless when it comes to self help options.

Trust in others is a different issue, during my marriage I forced myself to ignore red flags and my marriage crashed and burned around me, that will not happen again. I know this approach isn't right but like you I question everything, it's like I'm looking for reasons things wont work. I think taking things very slowly is the best approach, don't challenge every compliment or gesture directed at you, smile and say thanks, teach yourself to accept graciously, believe that someone can truly love you. 

It all sounds so easy when you spell it out, putting things into action is another story. I think anyone who has gone through what you did (or I did) also goes through this phase of the recovery process, accept it as normal and let your life happen, but take the time to guide it in a direction that is good for you. You're not broken, just a little scuffed up.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I kind of wonder, how long in between all your relationships did you spend alone?

I only ask, because in what I've seen out of the people I know those who spend no significant time with themselves between relationships tend to lose who they are, and then doom every relationship they have. And it appears like they have no self esteem, when really it's more based from them having no real sense of "self"


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## Limping (Oct 5, 2011)

R5B,

Sorry you are feeling a bit broken right now. The reason is, you are a little broken... Everyone who has half their life ripped to shreds in front of them is. I guess that is the good news. You are no different from anyone else, "There is nothing new under the sun."

Now that does not bring any peace DURING these times, I know. The thing I want you to understand about this is, everyone eventually gets through this. Yes even you some day.

As I have said in the past, I really respect the things you are doing and how you are handling the things life has thrown at you. Raising your family after Armageddon is tough. The worst part is, while others have time to work through their "issues" you are too busy trying to hold life together. There is little time for personal reflection and growth.

Now these are the facts. The problem is, until you go THROUGH your issues, you really cannot be a partner to anyone. It is where I am currently. I am so busy caring for my daughters that I never have time for me. I went out for the first time since my wife left Last March, last night. That was with a group and I stayed reserved for most the evening. I know I am not ready for a "relationship" but it was nice to interact with others on an adult level, where I felt that I could be attractive to someone. It has been a LONG time. It even was a bit, intoxicating. 

I liked the feeling that I could be attractive to women. I could really like this feeling, and if I was willing to use the women i met I would try and "hook-up" or some such. But, alas, I know I am not ready, and to do that would simply be unfair to those I met.

You are going to go through waves of good feeling and bad feelings. Like the ocean, despair will creep over you every now and then. But like the ocean those waves will recede and you will begin to feel whole again. Every time a new "wave" hits it will be less intense than the time before, as you heal.

All this is natural. You are grieving the loss of a "life". The problem is interjecting others into that life before you are ready to be completely theirs. At the core, you push them away because your psyche is simply not ready for that leap. Take the energy you are putting in your "fiance" and find you. Heal you. Be there for you.

When you are ready for a true relationship, you will know it. You won't feel like pushing others away anymore. it will once again feel natural to be wanted and to be able to want, with trust, someone else. Until then, however, you owe it to yourself AND to others to take a step back and repair the damage done to you.

When those "waves" are no longer engulfing you but simply wistful, THEN you will be ready to move forward. I have no idea how long that will take. I can tell you it will take you longer than it took me and it will take me longer than most because of our situation. We simply cannot devote all of our time to repairing the damage done to us. We have other concerns that are more important at the moment.

Your time will come, prepare yourself for the new heights that are coming your way. Get ready to soar again. Make sure that your wings are ready to support you during that flight. Don't cause even more damage by trying to fly too early. Get healed THEN get on.

Hugs and just know, I can empathize with you, you are not alone.

Bill


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't be deceived by the name of the thread, I wrote it some time ago, but upon reading your post, I immediately thought of it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/20584-destructive-fitness-tests.html

You know there is an issue. That's pretty big in and of itself. I don't think what you are doing is all that uncommon. It's a self-protection mechanism. However, it is also very self-limiting.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

You are protecting yourself due to previous terrible hurt, I'd say that is perfectly normal reaction considering what you endured...it will all happen in time, when that is no one knows but you will be happy again


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## Limping (Oct 5, 2011)

R5B,

You ok? Haven't heard from you today and you were not sounding good yesterday. Just let us know you are ok.

Bill


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Thank you for all of your comments and thoughts......helps so much! First and foremost....that I am normal! Or as normal as can be when things like what has happened to me (and most of on here) have happened!

I do feel like I have been protecting myself, but at the same time I think it is only rational to a point. I was amazed by the link Deejo posted and think that it really REALLY applies to me! I almost want to revive that thread! lol If any of you have read it.....I could echo exactly some of Trentons words!

Another thought and /or question.....how much do I need to repair myself before venturing into another relationship? I almost feel like this situation I am in can benefit most and be repaired best with a loving man who will patiently help me through it? I do want to be fair to him though. I have been very open and honest with my thoughts, feelings, and fears. He deals with me very well. He seems very determined to help me through this. But am I being selfish by allowing him to be part of my messed up self? 

So many questions....thoughts....feelings.....

Feeling much better that I was....but it does come and go in waves...the good and the bad...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> I kind of wonder, how long in between all your relationships did you spend alone?
> 
> I only ask, because in what I've seen out of the people I know those who spend no significant time with themselves between relationships tend to lose who they are, and then doom every relationship they have. And it appears like they have no self esteem, when really it's more based from them having no real sense of "self"


This is what I'm thinking. I'd lay off the dating for awhile and focus on yourself. Having been cheated on will bring even the most confident and self assured person down. I've read your other posts. You have a lot on your plate and a lot to be proud of, don't the entire "relationship" situation get you down. 

Perhaps this is your inner self telling you that you aren't ready to venture into a new relationship. 

My husband hasn't cheated on me but even after a year of separation I couldn't imagine getting involved with someone else. How long has it been since you've been divorced?


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

D day was nearly 3 1/2 years ago....the marriage may as well of been over then. We attempted a reconciliation for about seven months or so. During that time I did a lot of self discovery and healing. I have now been divorced for about a year and a half.

The guy I am with now....we started out as just friends....fairly quickly got physical....but remained at that for quite a while. I was mostly ok with it at that level. But over several months we started spending so much time together that we were nearly inseperable. Love just happens sometimes. We are happy together. We would rather spend time together and with my five wild ones than doing anything else. It feels natural and nice....and I am totally fine with it....until my brain starts working overtime. Then I get worried...think about my past...think about the fact that I am totally falling for this man....I realize how vulnerable I am becoming again. Then it's just all scary...terrifying at times. 

Maybe I'm not ready. He is aware of all my feelings and thoughts. He would give me space if I insisted on it....but really I don't want him to be anywhere except right beside me. He is extemely patient with me. He reassures me and comforts me. I try so hard to remember he is not my ex and that just because my ex destroyed all trust between us....it is not a reason to doubt my current guys intentions. It is difficult. I am damaged. I know that. But this man....he loves me. He really does....with all my faults and issues. He just wants me to let him love me. And I WANT him to love me. 

Do I need more time? Maybe? Probably..... But will time really change anything?

I wasn't looking for someone.....but here he is. He is great. My kids like him (mostly....he is kinda strict and I am very lax....lol)  We make a good team. He makes me step up at times, and I make him chill at times. It really does feel good....and dare I say right?

I don't want my fears to ruin something good.


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