# Is this cheating ?



## wify (Aug 11, 2013)

My husband has been acting very strange for awhile, so I decided to start checking his phone and internet history ect, I ended up finding out that he has been visiting a dating site called "dating for cheaters". I got a good friend of mine who works in IT to look into it and told me that he has been visiting the site quite often for months, should I concerned ? or confront him ? I'm confused, I don't want to lose my family of 3....help please, thanks


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Well there is only reason a person would repeatedly go to a cheating website IMO.

Once might have been curiosity or a mistake...but not more than once.

I think you should ask the moderators to have this moved over to Coping with Infidelity.

I'm sorry your here with this and hope I'm wrong.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Should you be concerned?

Um. Seriously?

I'd say your husband is cheating or almost ready to.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Why are you questioning it? I know it's a hard pill to sollow, but what would you tell a friend in your situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to find out what he's doing over there, you or your friend could create a false profile as a woman and see how he responds.

He's cheating. That's why he's there. There is no other reason to use a site like that.

Does he use a computer at home that you have access to?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

DO NOT tell your husband that you found this. Wait and keep researching. No telling what he is up to.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Seriously? Is this cheating? Come on! What do you call a married man logging into a specific website with the name of "dating for cheaters"? Sheesshh....


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## secondmarriage (Aug 7, 2013)

He may not have actually done the physical act of cheating but by visiting the website numerous times he is emotionally cheating. If you don't stop it now, he will soon be physically cheating. I would ask him why that particular site keeps showing up on the computer history. He will get on the defensive and lie but you are letting him know you are aware. After that you guys could seek professional help if you want to save your marriage.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

yes. he's cheating


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Most definitely cheating or looking to do so.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

In my book it is cheating. What it is in your book is up to you, what are your boundaries?


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## wify (Aug 11, 2013)

I just dont know what to do


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes he is cheating or about to. No doubt about it. IMO I would confront him now. Do not waste any more time. 

And get tested for STD's asap.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I understand you are in shock and you are scared, but think for a minute on whether or not infidelity is a deal breaker. (And yes, this is cheating).
Put a keylogger on the computer, that will let you know what sites he's going to and when
Try getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it where the computer is, this will let you know what he is saying.
When you get enough information (what ever your boundaries may be) then confront with evidence. This is hard and you must be strong. 
Tell him his behavior is selfish and unacceptable and he either stops, or you leave. The thing is you have to mean this. You have to be willing to walk out the door and leave him. Otherwise your threat is empty and he will know it.
Do not "ask" him to stop. A third party in your marriage is unacceptable, whether the third party is there emotionally or physically. Tell him it is stopping.
Do not think for one minute that there is something lacking in you. There isn't. He chose to go looking outside the marriage, you didn't. Every act has consequences and you may have to smack him upside his head to get this to sink in.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

wify said:


> I just dont know what to do


If your kid were hanging around heavy drug users, would you sit back and watch until you catch him sticking the needle in his arm? Ignore the people who are telling you to sit on this and quietly watch until you catch him in an affair. Confront your husband with what you know NOW, get into counselling together and work on fixing whatever created this situation. Although what he is doing is unfaithful and wrong, if you are lucky he's still just testing the waters and has not yet taken the irreversible plunge that you will both regret forever.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Another batch. Reverse the sexes as I mostly deal with betrayed husbands but FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS. I can not go to best buy for you. Your IT friend should set you up with a keylogger. That one will be big for you.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Velcro-Heavy-Duty-Hook-and-Loop-Fastener/25553585
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex


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## wify (Aug 11, 2013)

I will try it


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## wify (Aug 11, 2013)

I caught him cheating again OMG


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Why not just tell him quite frankly (but calmly) that you'd like to browse the website with him?

One of two things will happen. Either he'll be so shocked and embarrassed that he's been rumbled that he'll get all defensive, in which case you have your unfortunate answer, or he'll be slightly taken aback that you know, but will welcome your openness and you can confront it together and work out what he is liking that he thinks he's not seeing in you, and by you looking at the menfolk on the same site, maybe he will see something in you that he never noticed before, and the open, very personal discussions that follow may well make you closer.

Certainly you have nothing to lose by trying it. From the husband's perspective, if I found out my wife had discussed my internet habits behind my back and installed a keylogger, that would be close to impossible to come back from.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You did what I told you to do?
A little vague there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Follow Weightlifters advice to a T. Don't second guess any of what he told you to do. DO IT! BTW this needs to be moved to CWI.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Sorry @Weightlifter and @Stonewall. That's bad advice. The very last thing that's needed in a deceitful relationship is more deceit.

If I found out my wife was recording everything I said and did, the marriage would end right then and there. In the divorce proceedings and cite the distrust and surveillance. I'd even say that I'd started misbehaving BECAUSE my wife had shown such distrust and effectively pushed me away.

Each to their own though. If hi-tec distrust is the way of things in the US, who am I to question it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry ShyE. 20 busted wives later... The red flags are real here rate is astoundingly high.

Wonder if I PMed a few of those who followed my instructions. Dont really have time tho.

BTW there are a few Brits in that 20 busted wives. (and oddly zero husbands but we get far fewer wives on CWI) I actually took over this role from.. ugh forget the name but that poster left in roughly Feb-March. Not sure how many busted wives that poster helped on. 

The sad fact is VARs work far far too well. High tech costs less than a PI.

And taking your husband to a cheating website and just asking him about it...? REALLY? Cheaters lie and lie well.

See RDMU for what happens on a soft confront. She lied to his face about his soft confront red flags and further turned it on him and made him feel bad. His second confront with hard evidence was overwhelming, she broke in under a minute. 

Confronts are blitzkrieg. You overwhelm the cheaters defenses with facts until they break or they are saying down is up.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> And taking your husband to a cheating website and just asking him about it...? REALLY? Cheaters lie and lie well.


Indeed, but liars tend to lie badly when out of their comfort zone.

Maybe you're right about all the other stuff. I find that is you show trust for people, they rarely throw it back in your face. Granted they do sometimes, but I find if you show distrust, you're almost guaranteed to be make it worse.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Respectfully disagree shy e. ive seen thousands of lies in my now 9 months here. Cheaters lie all the time. Getting caught spying isone of the reasons my instructions are so detailed on how to place the var.

Soft confronts lead to misery and fail. There are many besides rdmu that point this out.

I take my role here seriously. Trust. A funny word. Cheaters want trust to continue their cheating. Deceit... Hmm if a relationship is deceitful already, fine call what i do it deceit. Its a two on one battle in an affair. WAyward+affair partner against the betrayed. Often the affair partner is a player, further tilting the field against the betrayed.. Until i and the rest of the TAM army arrive, and drastically tilt the field into the betrayed's favor.

Ive taken two phone calls from betrayed men on the verge of a breakdown and talked them down. Ive listened to 4 mens vars for them. Only rdmu has released me to say he was one. Ive helped many. Mostly i lead them to bad news, in fact onerwhelmingly. Its the nature of tam. By the time the end up here they know their marrage is dying. I simply lead them to the bad news faster and more precisely than if they did it on their own.

End hijack and pm me if you want to continue. This thread is about the op, not me.

WL


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## txfreespirit (Aug 21, 2013)

During my first year of marriage my husband kept disappearing at night. So I actually had a program installed on the family computer that kept track of everything that was typed. Only I knew about it. Within the first week of using the program I found out my husband was cheating on me. Might be a good way to see what else your spouse is up to.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Indeed, but liars tend to lie badly when out of their comfort zone.
> 
> Maybe you're right about all the other stuff. I find that is you show trust for people, they rarely throw it back in your face. Granted they do sometimes, but I find if you show distrust, you're almost guaranteed to be make it worse.


You're giving advice based on your ideals, not experience, and arguing with people who are giving advice based on experience.

So lets look at your ideal logically. "if you show trust for people, they rarely throw it back in your face." It is _only_ people that you have shown trust that throw it in your face, they are the only ones that _can_.

Read my signature. Kierkegaard was talking about you.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> You're giving advice based on your ideals, not experience, and arguing with people who are giving advice based on experience.
> 
> So lets look at your ideal logically. "if you show trust for people, they rarely throw it back in your face." It is _only_ people that you have shown trust that throw it in your face, they are the only ones that _can_.
> 
> Read my signature. Kierkegaard was talking about you.


I'm genuinely sorry you live in such a distrustful world. It must be awful for you.

I was not talking from ideals, it is experience, and years of it. Some people simply don't expect to be trusted, so if you show them trust, it is such an honour for them that they make sure they don't betray that trust. Of course it doesn't always work, but more often that not, it does.

I would hate to live in a world where distrust is the norm. I'm not religious, but something like 'do unto others as you would have done unto yourself', or something like that. I want people to be at ease with me, and to trust me. I can't possibly ask that of anyone if I don't afford them the same respect.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

ShyEnglishman said:


> I'm genuinely sorry you live in such a distrustful world. It must be awful for you.
> 
> I was not talking from ideals, it is experience, and years of it. Some people simply don't expect to be trusted, so if you show them trust, it is such an honour for them that they make sure they don't betray that trust. Of course it doesn't always work, but more often that not, it does.
> 
> I would hate to live in a world where distrust is the norm. I'm not religious, but something like 'do unto others as you would have done unto yourself', or something like that. I want people to be at ease with me, and to trust me. I can't possibly ask that of anyone if I don't afford them the same respect.


I'm going to warrant a guess that you've never been cheated on before because you sound too naive to truly believe what you've posted.
Spend enough time on TAM, go over to the Coping With Infidelity section to see just how that "trusting people" works out for posters. 
Cheaters ARE liars, not all liars are cheaters, they will do & say anything to continue leading their double lives.
Go ahead, read some of the threads of heartbreak, of finding out your SO has been getting it from your best friend, in your own house, let me know what you would do in that situation.
I highly doubt, putting them at ease, using dulcet tones, reassuring them you trust them is going to cut it. 

Sorry for the thread jack OP.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ShyEnglishman said:


> I'm genuinely sorry you live in such a distrustful world. It must be awful for you.
> 
> I was not talking from ideals, it is experience, and years of it. Some people simply don't expect to be trusted, so if you show them trust, it is such an honour for them that they make sure they don't betray that trust. Of course it doesn't always work, but more often that not, it does.
> 
> I would hate to live in a world where distrust is the norm. I'm not religious, but something like 'do unto others as you would have done unto yourself', or something like that. I want people to be at ease with me, and to trust me. I can't possibly ask that of anyone if I don't afford them the same respect.


It appears that logical thinking is foreign to you. I'll try it again:

The only people who can betray your trust are people you trusted.

I trust people. I trust them to look after their own interest first, followed by the interests of their family members, followed by the interests of their friends, followed by the interests of friendly acquaintances, followed by strangers. I would not trust my best friend to hold my interests higher than his families interests. If he has to choose between betraying me or betraying his wife, he's going to betray me. I wouldn't blame him for making that choice, I'd think less of him if he didn't. But the fact remains that while I do trust my friend, it's with the full knowledge that he may end up betraying me at some point.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> I'm going to warrant a guess that you've never been cheated on before because you sound too naive to truly believe what you've posted.


Your guess is very, very wide of the mark. I was cheated on in a long term relationship prior to calling it a day, moving on, and meeting the girl that would become my wife.

So, having been cheated on before, what was I to do when I started dating my wife? Should I have distrusted her? I went to sleep with her in the room more than once. Who knows what she could have done. More than half the time I didn't know where she was or what she was doing. I would sometimes get chatting to lads that knew her and had seen her and spoken to her more recently than I had. Surely that was a sign? Surely she must have been cheating on me? Surely I should have wanted to find out more. Perhaps I should have questioned her about it and expressed insecurity, and had I done so and she's told me there was nothing going on, perhaps I should have accused her of lying? Perhaps I should even have put her under surveillance. There is one thing I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE you. Had I have taken that approach, then 15 years later she would not be asleep in our bed upstairs in our house right now, because I would be a miserable lonely individual that no woman would settle with because of my overwhelming trust issues.



> Spend enough time on TAM, go over to the Coping With Infidelity section to see just how that "trusting people" works out for posters.


Sadly people do cheat. This is true. Would you allow a lying cheater to destroy your life and your future prospects with anyone else?



> Go ahead, read some of the threads of heartbreak, of finding out your SO has been getting it from your best friend, in your own house, let me know what you would do in that situation.


In one of my previous relationships my girlfriend did cheat on me with my then best friend. It took me years to trust my friend again. I would never trust that girl again, but the behaviour of one or two people is not representative of people in general.



Nucking Futs said:


> It appears that logical thinking is foreign to you. I'll try it again:
> 
> The only people who can betray your trust are people you trusted.
> 
> I trust people. I trust them to look after their own interest first, followed by the interests of their family members, followed by the interests of their friends, followed by the interests of friendly acquaintances, followed by strangers. I would not trust my best friend to hold my interests higher than his families interests. If he has to choose between betraying me or betraying his wife, he's going to betray me. I wouldn't blame him for making that choice, I'd think less of him if he didn't. But the fact remains that while I do trust my friend, it's with the full knowledge that he may end up betraying me at some point.


See above, and once again, you truly have my sympathy and I sincerely hope you can find a way to get over YOUR trust issues.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Your guess is very, very wide of the mark. I was cheated on in a long term relationship prior to calling it a day, moving on, and meeting the girl that would become my wife.
> 
> So, having been cheated on before, what was I to do when I started dating my wife? Should I have distrusted her? I went to sleep with her in the room more than once. Who knows what she could have done. More than half the time I didn't know where she was or what she was doing. I would sometimes get chatting to lads that knew her and had seen her and spoken to her more recently than I had. Surely that was a sign? Surely she must have been cheating on me? Surely I should have wanted to find out more. Perhaps I should have questioned her about it and expressed insecurity, and had I done so and she's told me there was nothing going on, perhaps I should have accused her of lying? Perhaps I should even have put her under surveillance. There is one thing I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE you. Had I have taken that approach, then 15 years later she would not be asleep in our bed upstairs in our house right now, because I would be a miserable lonely individual that no woman would settle with because of my overwhelming trust issues.
> 
> ...


Your marriage sounds interesting, did your wife do these things before or after you were married.
Your wife does or did things that would cause most people to be concerned & yet you did nothing, not even so much as a question to her whereabouts.
Were you afraid to lose her?
If this dynamic is working for you, great, but do understand that asking your spouse where they have been is NOT a sign of insecurity, nor is wondering why other men have seen her when you have not.

That's interesting that you trusted your friend again but not the GF, why was that?
Since they both betrayed you, would not it have been better to end both relationships?

Trust is an earned commodity, one that in my opinion cannot regained after it is betrayed.
I liken it to a vase, once it's broken & then mended, it's never whole again, there are cracks now where there were once none.
For me, if someone betrays my trust, I will end the relationship, there is no need to have a person in my life who could do that to me.
I'm not going to waste my time with a person who cared so little for me that they were willing to spurn my trust in them.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> Your marriage sounds interesting, did your wife do these things before or after you were married.
> Your wife does or did things that would cause most people to be concerned & yet you did nothing, not even so much as a question to her whereabouts.


Did what things exactly? She had a social life prior to me knowing her. That doesn't mean she was having sex with anything that moved.

Why should it cause concern that other people had spoken to her? When I go out, I might speak to people, male or female, in the absence of my wife. Doesn't mean I had sex with them or any other form of intimacy.

I did nothing, because there was no reason to be concerned.

I get that this section of the site is full of people who've been betrayed, and that will cause a lot of suspicion which is damaging, but I hope to show that life is better, overall, when you learn to trust.

People can talk to other people without there being any ill-intention. I went to shop just last night. I spoke to the young woman behind the counter. We chatted socially because I'm a regular customer there. Sometimes we have a laugh together. Should my wife be worried? I say not, because having chatted socially for a few minutes, I then came home, to my wife. I didn't snog the shop keeper or anything.

In another local shop works a very attractive woman who I've known since school. We were very close friends back then, and I was secretly in love with her. Should I avoid that shop because she works there? No, its the nearest shop to my house. My wife has become friends with her, and I know they've spoken about when we were kids because my wife has come home and told me so. Should my wife be insecure? No of course not. I was in love with the lady in the shop more than 20 years ago and we've both moved on, and I'm in love with my wife now.

Now, what if, on finding out that I have ancient history with the very attractive lady in the very local shop (literally 5 minutes walk from the house), my wife challenged me and started accusing me of something, or if I found a keylogger installed on my computer, or if I found recording gear? Well then my bubble would burst. My wife and I are very happily married, but that would end instantly. How could I possibly be at ease with my wife if I discovered she didn't trust me?

It would cross my mind that as people usually judge by their own standards, if she doesn't trust me, then maybe she is less trustworthy than I thought, so I would start to be suspicious of her. From there its down hill all the way. I can't see that it would be possibly to save a relationship from that situation.

So, we have a situation of 'self fulfilling prophecy'. Suspicion and distrust leads to more suspicion and distrust, resentment, and ultimately the demise of the relationship.

So in my hypothetical scenario, what happens after I'm made bitter by the accusation that there's something going on between me and the girl in the shop? Well, I'd go and warn her to try to steer clear of my wife because she's gone crazy. Maybe I get found out for having such a chat, and wife is then given reason to believe she was right all along.

Luckily that will never happen, because there is mutual trust between my wife and I. That's why she's just across the room from me right now having a snooze on the sofa while one of our lovely kids is playing on his computer and the other is fast asleep in his chair.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

ShyEnglishman said:


> *So, having been cheated on before, what was I to do when I started dating my wife? Should I have distrusted her? I went to sleep with her in the room more than once. Who knows what she could have done. More than half the time I didn't know where she was or what she was doing. I would sometimes get chatting to lads that knew her and had seen her and spoken to her more recently than I had. Surely that was a sign? Surely she must have been cheating on me? Surely I should have wanted to find out more.* Perhaps I should have questioned her about it and expressed insecurity, and had I done so and she's told me there was nothing going on, perhaps I should have accused her of lying? Perhaps I should even have put her under surveillance. There is one thing I ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE you. Had I have taken that approach, then 15 years later she would not be asleep in our bed upstairs in our house right now, because I would be a miserable lonely individual that no woman would settle with because of my overwhelming trust issues.





ShyEnglishman said:


> *Did what things exactly? She had a social life prior to me knowing her. That doesn't mean she was having sex with anything that moved.
> 
> Why should it cause concern that other people had spoken to her? When I go out, I might speak to people, male or female, in the absence of my wife. Doesn't mean I had sex with them or any other form of intimacy.
> 
> ...


Do you speak this way IRL, because you seem to leave out important details until questioned by someone. 
You were the one to bring your wife & her behavior into this thread. 
I have no idea what you your wife did or didn't do, you did seem to want to give the impression your wife was doing something that could be misconstrued.
Yet, now you're going back & trying to make it seem as if she was doing nothing improper.
Hmmm, I wonder if you're here on TAM to just stir the pot. 
Just as word of advice to posting on TAM, be succinct instead of "talking" around in circles.


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

Why cant we all get along. Everybody is entitled. I think a life where you cant trust is a miserable life.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

wify said:


> My husband has been acting very strange for awhile, so I decided to start checking his phone and internet history ect, I ended up finding out that he has been visiting a dating site called "dating for cheaters". I got a good friend of mine who works in IT to look into it and told me that he has been visiting the site quite often for months, should I concerned ? or confront him ? I'm confused, I don't want to lose my family of 3....help please, thanks


- Is this cheating? It's a betrayal of trust even if he hasn't hooked up yet.
- Should you be concerned? is that a serious question? If you want him to be loyal then yes it's reason.
- Should you confront him? Yes. The "head in the sand" or rug sweep approaches let things escalate. The "it's not a big deal" approach lets him be more careful and keep doing it.

The best way to keep your family intact is to take up for your honor IMO. Don't be a nice girl or scared girl.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> I have no idea what you your wife did or didn't do


Exactly, so why are you trying to imply that she did something wrong or that I turned a blind eye?

I was trying to highlight that a situation is based mostly on the perception of the observer. My wife did nothing wrong. I never suspected she did. Yet many of the 'red flags' that others have highlighted in different threads were there. She spoke to male friends in my absence. She went out without me knowing where she was etc.

You clearly have a suspicious mind. That's unfortunate and I hope you learn to trust again. I was betrayed in two previous relationships yet with my third, I still gave trust. Why? Because my wife was not either of the girls that cheated on me. I wasn't going to judge her by the standards or actions of others, and as a consequence, 15 years on, we are still happily together.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

ShyEnglishman said:


> I was betrayed in two previous relationships yet with my third, I still gave trust. Why? Because my wife was not either of the girls that cheated on me. I wasn't going to judge her by the standards or actions of others, and as a consequence, 15 years on, we are still happily together.


I totally share your views. Have been badly betrayed by 2 boyfriends I was in love with when I was younger. This didn't stop me from giving a fair chance to other people. As a result, I met my hubby, a man worthy of my love and TRUST. Should I have become bitter and refused to give my trust to anyone again, I would now be an angry spinster. 

But, we hijacked already. The OP has serious reasons to distrust her husband. He's on a site called "dating for cheaters" for heaven's sake !! The name alone says it all.
I think in such case, she is entitled to spy on him to get the proof needed. He's not an innocent guy, just having a random one time chat with a female. He's a cheater, on a cheating name site!


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Shy E. - The problem I see is that you started by giving incredibly bad advise. The guy is cheating RIGHT NOW. This is not the time to trust him. Sure, other people can earn your trust; a WS can even re-earn it. But, trust is the last thing the OP should have right now.

Sorry OP, This thread is thoroughly jacked. You should start it over in the CWI.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Exactly, so why are you trying to imply that she did something wrong or that I turned a blind eye?
> 
> I was trying to highlight that a situation is based mostly on the perception of the observer. My wife did nothing wrong. I never suspected she did. Yet many of the 'red flags' that others have highlighted in different threads were there. She spoke to male friends in my absence. She went out without me knowing where she was etc.
> 
> You clearly have a suspicious mind. That's unfortunate and I hope you learn to trust again. I was betrayed in two previous relationships yet with my third, I still gave trust. Why? Because my wife was not either of the girls that cheated on me. I wasn't going to judge her by the standards or actions of others, and as a consequence, 15 years on, we are still happily together.


Ah thanks, Internet Pity, how condescending of you. 
I suppose it stands to reason that you would do that, considering how you've already responded in this thread. 

I find it interesting that you've mentioned how long you've been together with your wife several times in this thread & how happy you are.
If you're so happy & everything is so great, why are you on TAM?
Most people who seek out a Marriage Centric message board aren't doing so because everything is all peaches & cream.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> Ah thanks, Internet Pity, how condescending of you.
> I suppose it stands to reason that you would do that, considering how you've already responded in this thread.


Sorry, I can't help you. You are so bitter and I'm not skilled enough to help you resolve that. After this post I'm not continuing this debate with you for two reasons, 1) its someone else's thread and we've hijacked it enough and 2) If I told you the grass is green and the sky is blue you would pick fault with what I've said and accuse the grass of cheating on the sky.



> If you're so happy & everything is so great, why are you on TAM?


I've asked myself that very question a few times. Its like a car crash. Its not what you were looking for and you don't like what you see, but you've seen it and now you can't tear yourself away.



> Most people who seek out a Marriage Centric message board aren't doing so because everything is all peaches & cream.


Indeed. One day you might realise that life is not binary. Fantastically glorious or devastatingly bad. You could find the answer to that question yourself simply by having a look at my threads. I've only started 3. One is to say hello, one to ask advice on a matter, and the other is to ask if I've come to the wrong place.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Sorry, I can't help you. You are so bitter and I'm not skilled enough to help you resolve that. After this post I'm not continuing this debate with you for two reasons, 1) its someone else's thread and we've hijacked it enough and 2) If I told you the grass is green and the sky is blue you would pick fault with what I've said and accuse the grass of cheating on the sky.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



First paragraph, I don't see bitterness in Phoenix, just a difference in views. But I DO see what you described a lot on TAM- "accusing the grass of cheating on the sky" . Lol.
Keeping in mind the thread we are on, the OP's spouse IS cheating.

With the second part I too don't know why I crashed here. I just started to read and got addicted. But it doesn't always bring up good feelings to me. Sometimes I question why I still read this.
And yes, life is not black and white. Agree with that, too.:iagree:


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Sorry, I can't help you. You are so bitter and I'm not skilled enough to help you resolve that. After this post I'm not continuing this debate with you for two reasons, 1) its someone else's thread and we've hijacked it enough and 2) If I told you the grass is green and the sky is blue you would pick fault with what I've said and accuse the grass of cheating on the sky.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm sorry I missed this yesterday, it would have been so entertaining to read after the day I had.
It's always fun to see how bent out of shape people get over posts on an Internet message board.
Especially because one can't hear or see intent, lots of conclusion jumping & assuming goes on, just look at your responses to me & others in this thread.
I think you need to go back & re-read your responses before you start casting stones at others. 
I'm about as far from bitter as one can get, I get called Pollyanna by my family, so obviously you're projecting.
I'm all for a good ol' Internet pissing match, but at least have the decency to know your opponent before engaging in one, it makes your arguments actually seem valid.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I've been on TAM for about 2 years now.

This is the worst hijacking of a thread i've seen yet.

trying to follow wify's story.............hijacked!


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