# Don't know what to do... stay or go?



## Diana_H (Jan 26, 2014)

Hi, I need lots of opinions please,

Background, my husband and I dated for 8 years since we were the age of 18, he is 2 years older. We had a long distance relationship through out college, after school I moved backed home and continued our relationship. We continued dating for 5 more years then he proposed and we got married 1 year later. Prior to our wedding we bought a house but didn't move in because it wouldn't be right by my parents. After an amazing wedding and honeymoon, he started to fix up the house so we could move in. It took a lot longer than expected and took up a lot of his time. I wasn't so much involved in the process though, I just wasn't into the details. After some time of waiting to move in, I decided to move us in while he was on a business trip. I got help from my large family and did it all in 3 days. I know he wasn't going to be thrilled about it but I didn't want to wait anymore. and he wasn't when he came home.

A few weeks go by and I was shocked when he told me that he wants a divorce! He told me that he wasn't happy anymore and that he hadn't been for some time. Mind you we've only been married about 3 months. I was distraught and begged him not to leave. He wasn't responsive and 3 days later he moved out and gave me divorce papers.

Over a couple of weeks I had suspected that something was up when he wasn't getting home late everyday, was cold to me, and didn't care to spend time with me. I had my suspicious of an affair but he told me that there was no one else. I believed him. 

I signed the papers and decided that I want him to be happy. I didn't continue to fight it but inside my whole world was shattered. I cried for 1 month straight. I have never been more heartbroken in my life.

A few weeks later I found out he was already with another woman. I asked if the divorce was because of her and he said it wasn't and that nothing had happened prior to him leaving. I do believe him. A another month goes by, I'm in deep therapy to try and cope, our families our in shock and I don't know how to continue. Another 2 months go by and we sell our house. I don't fight him I just want to be the better person.

I come to learn that he still hasn't filed the paper, he is in another relationship, he hasn't seen his family in a while, and randomly tells me he is sorry. We talked a couple of times, trying to figure out why and if we can work on things. He told me he was done with the other woman but every now and then a friend tells me they saw them together. I find out he's getting therapy and is trying to deal with some issues he's had. We talk every now and then to figure things out but he always go back to the other woman. A few weeks later I find out he not with other woman, hasn't filed the papers, and thinks he wants to get back together, but is unsure. 

Now, I love him more than anything. We grew up together, we learned from one another. I want to go to counseling with him to save our marriage but don't think he is up for it. We are not 100% compatible but I always believed in opposites attract. I do not want to be with anyone else and I am hopeful that we get back together because I know he hasn't filed for divorce yet. I am not the chasing type so I am just moving forward as he has. He told me that I didn't make him a priority and that I didn't want to do the things he loved.

Since then I have evolved. I "grew up" and created boundries with my family that weren't in place before. I started to workout more because I didn't know what else to do and hoped it would bring him back to me because he's the athletic type.

So after our would be 1 year anniversary still no papers filed, he tells me every now and then he misses me and wants me but doesn't know if its right and I know the other woman is around.

So since I haven't really moved on from him because I do want my marriage, I do want to work on things, I want to be happy with him because I know I have changed, what should I do? Should I wait for him? Should I chase him? Should I let go? 

Thank you.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It honestly sounds like you have done well for yourself since you found out. I do completely understand wanting to keep your marriage. I was also raised to believe in when you get married its for the long haul. I really don't think that meant you would have to share your spouse. I would set a timeline and match that with goal. I would let him know you wont deal with this much longer. If you want him to come back to the marriage he has to see your willing to end it. 

I really personally don't ever recommend staying with a cheater. I lived with one for 10 years. I regret that I did not leave when It happened the first time. 

I am really sorry you are going through this. Have you considered getting some counseling ?

Clay


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Get out now.....I am ALWAYS one who advocates for keeping a salvageable marriage together but you are so young and your marriage is so new that I believe you should just cut your losses and use what you have learned to make a better life for yourself with a good guy. I know it hurts but it will hurt a LOT more when he flakes on you after you have kids years down the road. Trust your gut. No good man does this especially so early in the marriage. No LOYALTY!


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I second the motion, do not go back to him.

He hasn't filed because he wants to keep you on a leash. You are the back up plan just in case things don't work out for him. 

You should be the one to file and cut ties with him. You're in for a life of misery if you decide to stick it out with this one.


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