# Don't have a long life ahead



## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

The average heart transplant recipient lives about 10 years on average. I'm 4 years in, and doing well so far. My question is kind of strange. Bear with me...

I was married for 25 years to a woman who was a wonderful mother to our kids, financially responsible with our money, and an overall decent woman. She never lied to me, and was extremely honest. My only complaint was she was not interested in any sex unless the lights were off, and in missionary position. I was willing to live with that, and would've died feeling I had a good marriage. My health struggles started in 2013, and ended up with the heart transplant in 2016. In and out of the hospital over that 3 year period, and living with an artificial heart pump until the transplant. To make a long story short, she started cheating on me when I was in the hospital. She had formed a relationship with a man at her gym, and they had been carrying on for about 3 years. The lies were showing up, and I was in Limbo for a year before I found out what was going on. When I found out, I felt relief and divorced her, 3 years ago. I don't regret that at all.

I didn't date much for a couple years, and finally found a woman I felt I could trust and love. She is half Vietnamese. A wonderful woman, very attractive, kind and supportive, honest, and anxious for a relationship. She likes the way I look and is very open sexually (which I've never had). She understood my health issues, and accepted that she would see me through to the end. Perfect for me, I thought. I was also perfect for her. She came from an abusive relationship, had no money or material things, and her mother passed away a couple years ago and she is very sad about that. I helped her with things she needed, and she was very appreciative. After about 8 months, I noticed some disturbing signs of jealousy, and her need to have everything in her life perfect. She began to get upset when I didn't wash my hands 10 times per day, didn't wear nice shirts to go grocery shopping, and she didn't care for my rescue dog I've had for years because she comes in from outside and I don't wash her feet. I can live with those things, and was ready to do that. But she gave me an ultimatum a month ago, and told me it was her or my dog. With everything adding up, I told her my dog wasn't going anywhere and she had to understand that. Then she left. I felt I did the right thing. There was no need for an ultimatum. She needed to love the man I am, and not the man she hoped I would become. She wasn't after my money, but I wasn't sure how she would treat it when my final days come. All the decisions in her life were made for her by an abusive husband. When she was angry, she became unreasonable. I honestly think she is bipolar. The most amazing, happy and fun woman one day, and the next she throws things and breaks them on the floor.

If I was in my 20's or 30's, I wouldn't be willing to put up with those things, but I'm 57 and and know I won't live to be an old man. But at my age and in my circumstances, I just need a partner and a lover. I've never been happier in my life than when I was with her. I may live another 20 years, I just don't know. I've never felt the love I feel, with any other woman, and can't stop thinking about her. Because of my failure in my marriage, I never knew if I would find a woman that I trust to be faithful, and could fall in love with again. She was who I hoped to find. 

Most women aren't looking for a man who has my health issues, enjoys working in the garage, and has a hairy chest. I'll never be on the cover of GQ magazine. But she loved me anyways. 

My question: Should I learn to deal with her issues like she is dealing with mine? Or do I walk away from a volatile relationship, and give up the wonderful things I love about her, and hope there's another woman out there who checks all those boxes?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If I were in your shoes I personally would not put up with it as it would likely only get worse and worse. I would find something I enjoy, make new friends, find a fun local bar, and try some high quality hookers ....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your dog, your loyal, faithful dog, or your controlling woman?

I think you made the right decision.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Your dog, your loyal, faithful dog, or your controlling woman?
> 
> I think you made the right decision.


Haha ... good one MattMatt. So true !!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Uh...yeah. You made the right choice. Personally, you don’t love me unless you love my dog. And I don’t love anyone my dog doesn’t like.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Unreasonable and volatile (at times) is not a good recipe for you as your health declines. 

On a side note, I'm curious about something. Were there any ''changes'' to your personality after the transplant. Such as a sudden appreciation for a different style of music, or new favourite foods, etc. I read an interesting article about how, sometimes, the preferences/traits of the donor are instilled in the donee. But, I've never known a heart transplant recipient before to ask. No obligation to answer, of course.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

No, you should not learn to "deal with" her issues. 

Here's the thing, you both have illnesses. Yours is with your heart and hers is with her brain (whether she's admitted that or not). 

I assume that you are doing everything possible to maintain your health and get the most life out of your heart as you can, correct? By that I mean you are going to your appointments, taking your meds, not smoking a pack a day, or living off of potato chips and soda. 

Your (ex)GF on the other hand, what is she doing about her illness? Is she in therapy? Is she taking medications? Is she actively working on her behavior every, single day? Or is she doing nothing? 

Everyone has good and bad qualities and pros and cons. You need to find someone who compliments you and whose "bad qualities" you can live with. Considering you called this relationship "volatile" I'd say you cannot live with those qualities, rightfully so. Her having good qualities does not negate the bad. 

No one will check all of the boxes, but you shouldn't settle regardless of how much time you have left. I think it would be better to be happy and alone than spending your remaining years in a volatile relationship. The last thing you need is more stress.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I think you made the right decision. And here's the thing you haven't yet recognized about yourself - you ALWAYS settled. You settled with your wife and her hangup about vanilla sex in the dark, But hey, at least you got sex, right. Could have been worse, you supposed. And I agree, it could have been much worse considering how many people are on these boards because of their sexless marriages. You not only got sex, but you knew what to expect and accepted that.

But ex girlfriend wasn't one to settle for because she was only going to get worse. If she never got medication, which it doesn't seem she would have, then her neurosis was going to drive you crazy more and more, and her demands would never stop. The dog today and what next??? If she ever did get meds, then she wasn't ever going to want sex because that's what those types of medications do to people - awful side effect. So she was not only unpredictable and someone you shouldn't have to deal with in your condition (nobody should in any condition), but an important aspect of life would be missing almost completely.

I can understand how you must feel. It's hard to think you may only have x amount of time and really don't want to spend it alone, in which case the bird in hand is better than not knowing what the bush may or may not yield. So, I can imagine it may be hard. But I think you should have faith that you'll find someone else to settle for. I say that because nobody is perfect. We all settle for each other and hope the best of us is worth tolerating the worst of us. The most you can hope for is you'll know what to expect, and their expectations of you won't be unattainable. Just actively date and someone will come along.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Hi OnTheFly: I don't really believe there's any truth to personality traits following the heart to donors, but I have to admit there were some small changes that happened with my personality after the transplant. I used to love pizza, any pizza...now I don't care for it much. I have constant thoughts of things I've never thought about before, and some of the passions I used to have are not passions anymore. But I think those changes are the result of the new life I'm having to live, not a result of the new heart. Hope this makes sense.

To everyone else, thank you for your thoughts. I actually know you are right, but I was hoping a whole bunch of you came on to tell me that I should be prepared for the challenges, and that it is worth the extra effort to get a companion in place to solve the lonely issue. A normal 90% good and 10% bad will come with every potential partner, but the 10% in her case is a serious and unstable issue. Thanks again for your clear thinking and advice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Are either of you willing to compromise so that you still have a relationship but just don't live together under the same roof? Can you keep your dog and only wash your hands in your house when you feel like it but go out on dates with her and wash your hands when you go to her house? 

Sounds like you two like each other but just don't see eye to eye as house mates.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BHB4408 said:


> The average heart transplant recipient lives about 10 years on average. I'm 4 years in, and doing well so far. My question is kind of strange. Bear with me...


@BHB4408, my Dear Hubby passed away from heart failure in Sept. 2017...he was 59 years old. You may be one of the few who knows what this means: he didn't have congestive heart failure but rather left ventricular hypertrophy that lead to atrial fibrillation. In layman's terms, the muscle of his heart got so big and stiff that his heart couldn't pump correctly and eventually instead of pumping it fluttered and then stopped. We knew for about five years that he was not going to be long for this earth, but of course you never know when that day may be. So in a very unique way, I understand you dilemna and concern here. 



> I was married for 25 years to a woman who was a wonderful mother to our kids, financially responsible with our money, and an overall decent woman. She never lied to me, and was extremely honest. My only complaint was she was not interested in any sex unless the lights were off, and in missionary position. I was willing to live with that, and would've died feeling I had a good marriage. My health struggles started in 2013, and ended up with the heart transplant in 2016. In and out of the hospital over that 3 year period, and living with an artificial heart pump until the transplant. To make a long story short, she started cheating on me when I was in the hospital. She had formed a relationship with a man at her gym, and they had been carrying on for about 3 years. The lies were showing up, and I was in Limbo for a year before I found out what was going on. When I found out, I felt relief and divorced her, 3 years ago. I don't regret that at all.


I'm sorry she cheated on you, but I'm glad to hear you felt relief and don't regret the divorce. Onward and upward!



> I didn't date much for a couple years, and finally found a woman I felt I could trust and love. She is half Vietnamese. A wonderful woman, very attractive, kind and supportive, honest, and anxious for a relationship. She likes the way I look and is very open sexually (which I've never had). She understood my health issues, and accepted that she would see me through to the end. * Perfect for me, I thought. I was also perfect for her.* She came from an abusive relationship, had no money or material things, and her mother passed away a couple years ago and she is very sad about that. I helped her with things she needed, and she was very appreciative.


See the bolded above? I think this may be where you are having difficulty. In real life, neither one of you was perfect, and although I'm sure you intended that as just a phrase, I think it is a clue. You see, mature life partners do not look at the other and think "They are perfect for me!" It's more like "I see his/her flaws and struggles and you know what? I choose to treat them in a loving way anyway." That's healthy acceptance. If you are searching for the one who will "meet all your needs" or viewing your partner as perfect for you, it may be that you are seeing them as an illusion of what you WANT them to be rather than what they truly are. Just something to get your mind spinning and think about. 



> ...After about 8 months, I noticed some disturbing signs of jealousy, and her need to have everything in her life perfect. She began to get upset when I didn't wash my hands 10 times per day, didn't wear nice shirts to go grocery shopping, and she didn't care for my rescue dog I've had for years because she comes in from outside and I don't wash her feet. I can live with those things, and was ready to do that. But she gave me an ultimatum a month ago, and told me it was her or my dog. With everything adding up, I told her my dog wasn't going anywhere and she had to understand that. Then she left. I felt I did the right thing.


As is fairly typical, a person can be "what you want them to be" for a little while to get you interested, but as time goes by you begin to see their true self. She was showing you more and more of her true self, and I think you did the right thing too--not that a person isn't more valuable than a dog, but rather than she can't be obsessive and demanding to make you into who you are not. Good job!



> ...There was no need for an ultimatum. She needed to love the man I am, and not the man she hoped I would become. She wasn't after my money, but I wasn't sure how she would treat it when my final days come. All the decisions in her life were made for her by an abusive husband. When she was angry, she became unreasonable. I honestly think she is bipolar. The most amazing, happy and fun woman one day, and the next she throws things and breaks them on the floor.


Having mood swings isn't necessarily the diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder, but it does sound like there was some sort of mental health struggle occurring that would probably benefit from some individual counseling. If she was being demanding and obsessive now, it's likely she would be that way be even worse as your symptoms worsened, so I have a little rule: when someone shows you who they are...believe them! She may not have been a gold-digger but she instead might have resented the "mess" of having to care for a sick partner.



> If I was in my 20's or 30's, I wouldn't be willing to put up with those things, but I'm 57 and and know I won't live to be an old man. But at my age and in my circumstances, I just need a partner and a lover. I've never been happier in my life than when I was with her. I may live another 20 years, I just don't know. I've never felt the love I feel, with any other woman, and can't stop thinking about her. Because of my failure in my marriage, I never knew if I would find a woman that I trust to be faithful, and could fall in love with again. She was who I hoped to find.


Nope. You hoped to find a woman who you felt you could trust and love, whom you thought was attractive, who was kind and supportive and honest and interested in relationship with you, who found you attractive and was a willing sexual partner. You hoped for a woman who understood your health issues and accepted you as you are for whatever days you may have left. *BUT you also hoped for a woman wasn't jealous, wasn't an obsessive clean freak, let you wear a t-shirt and jeans now and then, and was a dog person.*

See, @BHB4408, you are who you are--whether you are in your mid-20's and in perfect health, or you are in your later 50's in declining health. You are allowed to have boundaries about what you do and do not want in a life partner. In addition, you may have been happy with her, but could part of that happiness have been because you "looked past" her flaws and poor treatment, or justified it by saying to yourself that you deserve it? She was a very good lesson for you...a great life lesson. After a 25 year marriage, you felt like your marriage failed (you used that word), and you didn't know if you would ever love or trust again. NOW YOU KNOW! You CAN love again! You can feel that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling (although we all know that real Love is not a feeling, right?)! You can trust again! She taught you a lot and was a great encouragement because now you know! But she was not "life partner" material for you. And that is okay.



> Most women aren't looking for a man who has my health issues, enjoys working in the garage, and has a hairy chest. I'll never be on the cover of GQ magazine. But she loved me anyways.


Most men aren't looking for a woman who's husband just recently passed away. Most men aren't looking for a little hobbit of a woman. Most men aren't looking for someone who had been unfaithful in the past. Most men aren't looking for a stubborn woman with a mind of her own. But here I am, a married lady. Because I'm not worried about "most men"--I found ONE MAN who was looking for a cuddly, funny, gentle-hearted, understanding lady and we found each other. Just because this one didn't match doesn't mean that someone else won't! Thankfully you learned she was not a good match before becoming married and legally entangled. Good job!



> My question: Should I learn to deal with her issues like she is dealing with mine? Or do I walk away from a volatile relationship, and give up the wonderful things I love about her, and hope there's another woman out there who checks all those boxes?


Well...I think you are good as you are. You are a smart, intelligent, fairly good looking fella with a dog--what more could you ask for?  No other woman is going to "check all the boxes"...but it is reasonable to say "I appreciate that she dealt with my issues, but there were some issues of hers that were dealbreakers for me." That is okay. I personally vote for staying "as is" and letting her go. Then, see if you can't have a wonderful life right now, as your own man, and enjoy your dog. Maybe you'll find another lady at a dog show for mutts.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Affaircare said:


> @BHB4408, my Dear Hubby passed away from heart failure in Sept. 2017...he was 59 years old. You may be one of the few who knows what this means: he didn't have congestive heart failure but rather left ventricular hypertrophy that lead to atrial fibrillation. In layman's terms, the muscle of his heart got so big and stiff that his heart couldn't pump correctly and eventually instead of pumping it fluttered and then stopped. We knew for about five years that he was not going to be long for this earth, but of course you never know when that day may be. So in a very unique way, I understand you dilemna and concern here.
> 
> I'm sorry she cheated on you, but I'm glad to hear you felt relief and don't regret the divorce. Onward and upward!
> 
> ...


Well done and very thoughtful 👍


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. It sounds like she didn't conquer her demons. 

The people around us can be assets or liabilities. When you're in a situation like you are, it's natural to look for support but you have to be realistic about whether you're just collecting liabilities.

This will probably sound dumb to those who aren't dog people, but you rescued your dog and I bet were rewarded with absolute loyalty and love. She was likewise in a jam and you helped her out, and her reaction was to come between you and the dog.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

BlueWoman said:


> Uh...yeah. You made the right choice. Personally, you don’t love me unless you love my dog. And I don’t love anyone my dog doesn’t like.


I can deal w/ someone who isn't as into my dog as I am, but someone who tells me to betray the most loyal friend I'll ever have? 

Get out of my sight.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You are 57 year old. At that age - heart transplant or not - we all know that life can be cut short anytime. Try to do what you enjoy, find your own peace, and there still might be a great woman out there for you, who won't make you to throw away your dog.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No, go be happy. She will continue to cause you surprise unhappiness. Whatever you do, don't get rid of the dog! You will regret that.

I am just a bit older than you. There are tons of women out there. Good women. Many of them are not looking for a big deep romance forever, they are just looking for a good person to spend time with now. I think you will find someone pretty quickly that you enjoy being with.

Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle with this crazy woman either!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

@BHB4408, i'm your age and while i think i am healthy and do all the right things there is no guarantee i will out live you, while you have a potential expiration date on your heart that you have been told the rest of us don't really know when ours will come up. Its not something i think about every day but i also realize that i am not going to live forever, and nor do i really want too. What i am saying is this we all have a finish line, when the race is over the race is over, what matters is the quality of life you have before you get there, don't accept table scraps, there are a lot of women who carry less baggage and woudl rather spend their life with some one who has a new heart that is warm and inviting.
like Tim Mcgraw says "live like you were dying" put together that bucket list and start checking them off, some you will do alone, some you will do with your dog and some you will do with someone who wants to be with you and your dog.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Hi Affaircare; I'm so sorry for your loss, and so happy you found your man. 

Thanks to everyone else too. I feel bad for leaving a woman who's had such a tragic life. I really felt good that I could be a man she's never had before. My parents loved her, and my dog loved her a lot. I do think she has minor mental issues, and I agree that asking me to give up my loyal dog was simply not right. My dog (a pit-mix named Kimmy) actually was there for me after my divorce, and she's a very sweet and loving partner. As you suggested, I told my GF that my dog was part of me and needed to be accepted. I'll finish by telling a funny (tragic) story. The night everything blew up, my GF cooked a very nice Chicken Curry dinner for us. We had a nice dinner, and decided we needed some ice cream to finish the night. We ran to the store to get it. She (we) left the Chicken Curry in a pot on the stove-top. While we were gone, Kimmy jumped up on the counter, lifted the lid off the pot, and ate the remaining meal. Chicken Curry was strung all over the kitchen. Kimmy had never done that before and it was surprise for both of us. My GF worked so hard to prepare the meal, and now it was dripping down the cupboard and on the floor. I felt terrible, and told her I would take her out to her favorite restaurant when they opened up again. She was Ok with that, and things settled down. Watching a movie, and she flipped it off and said we needed to talk. That's when the ultimatum came. The Chicken Curry incident will go down in history as the straw that broke the camel's back. I also feel bad about laughing at it now, but I think it happened for a reason. It allowed me to see that she was unable to handle a tragic incident. There will be more tragic things that happen in the future, and I don't want to crash her life any more than it is.

I've told her that I'm here anytime she needs encouragement or help. I truly did love her. I'll leave it at that, and pray she find a peace in her life. 

Thanks again for all your kind words to me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You were seeing the real control-freak her by the time she left. Not much there to lose. And don’t be surprised if she tries to come back (that wouldn’t be a good idea at all — she would make your life Hell if you caved).

The obvious truth is that none of us know how much time we have left. Get out there and find someone who’s not a control freak — and loves your dog.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, I get the impression that while your dog is probably a nice, loyal dog, she may be poorly behaved.

Could this be the case? Is there any chance Kimmy could get some training?

While I'd never ask a guy to give up his dog a poorly behaved dog would be problematic for me. Jumping on the counter and flipping a pot if food is poor behavior.

I just wanted to address that because while it does sound like this woman had other issues, a poorly behaved dog will not go over well with anyone. Sweet and loving doesn't mean well behaved.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, I get the impression that while your dog is probably a nice, loyal dog, she may be poorly behaved.
> 
> Could this be the case? Is there any chance Kimmy could get some training?
> 
> ...


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

BHB4408 said:


> We had a nice dinner, and decided we needed some ice cream to finish the night. We ran to the store to get it. She (we) left the Chicken Curry in a pot on the stove-top. While we were gone, Kimmy jumped up on the counter, lifted the lid off the pot, and ate the remaining meal.


Geez Louise, that's not the dog's fault. And your remedy to the leftover ChickenCurry tragedy was completely reasonable. It feels like your lady friend was self-sabotaging the relationship.

In fact, I feel extra sorry for the dog, curry diarrhea can't be pleasant!


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Hi lifeistooshort;

I agree with what you're saying, and my dogs action that night was unacceptable for sure. But that was very unusual for her. She is normally very well behaved, and trained well. She'd never done that before. I can leave food on plates and she knows she can't touch them. I've left things on the counter and stove before, and she's never messed with them. She has a room to herself, and goes there when I tell her to. She has a doggy door and goes outside when she needs to. I can explain more, but I wanted to assure you that 90% of her actions are very good. Her only bad habit is barking at the UPS man when he comes. That night, she was possessed...or she just cant' stay away from Chicken Curry. Strange night. At the same time, my GF loved the fact that Kimmy was very protective of her. She wouldn't let anyone near her that was uninvited. My GF was a tiny woman, and I was proud of the fact that Kimmy would be a good guard dog for her when I traveled for business. Thanks for your thoughts and I agree with you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, I get the impression that while your dog is probably a nice, loyal dog, she may be poorly behaved.
> 
> Could this be the case? Is there any chance Kimmy could get some training?
> 
> ...


What gives you that impression?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> Geez Louise, that's not the dog's fault. And your remedy to the leftover ChickenCurry tragedy was completely reasonable. It feels like your lady friend was self-sabotaging the relationship.
> 
> In fact, I feel extra sorry for the dog, curry diarrhea can't be pleasant!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would not live with a violent partner who threw things around and smashed them, that's totally unacceptable. Sounds like she has severe anger issues. I also would never give up my dog for anyone.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

No worries. My dog is not going anywhere. After 25 years with a wife at home, and three wonderful kids, after the divorce I was all alone. I bought a house for my last son, and he moved out. I sold my house I built and raised my kids in to downsize and take control of my time. I got Kimmy from a rescue shelter, and she's been my partner for the last 3 years. She was 2 when I got her, and she had been abused. It took me about 6 months to get her comfortable with me, and now she sleeps at my feel when I'm working. The value I have in her is not something I would ever give up for anyone. And anyone who asks me to do that is not someone for me.

My GF's anger issue has been described as a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Her life has been hell, years of abuse, the death of her parents recently, and two dying siblings. She sees a therapist and that is his diagnosis. For a while, I felt needed because I knew how to calm her down, and I was rewarded in many ways when I did. She honestly needs a man who will bow down to her, sing her soft songs, and apologize when he sneezes. Not a man who drag races, restores cars, and forget's to say I love you every day. That's me. Just not a good match from the foundation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> What gives you that impression?





Diana7 said:


> What gives you that impression?


His story about the dog getting into the pot was not funny, it was bad behavior, so the fact that he thought it was funny prompted me to ask.

He has since provided a response to my question.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BHB4408 said:


> Hi lifeistooshort;
> 
> I agree with what you're saying, and my dogs action that night was unacceptable for sure. But that was very unusual for her. She is normally very well behaved, and trained well. She'd never done that before. I can leave food on plates and she knows she can't touch them. I've left things on the counter and stove before, and she's never messed with them. She has a room to herself, and goes there when I tell her to. She has a doggy door and goes outside when she needs to. I can explain more, but I wanted to assure you that 90% of her actions are very good. Her only bad habit is barking at the UPS man when he comes. That night, she was possessed...or she just cant' stay away from Chicken Curry. Strange night. At the same time, my GF loved the fact that Kimmy was very protective of her. She wouldn't let anyone near her that was uninvited. My GF was a tiny woman, and I was proud of the fact that Kimmy would be a good guard dog for her when I traveled for business. Thanks for your thoughts and I agree with you.


That's reasonable....I just thought it was worth considering.

My cats are nice but they act like jerks sometimes. Not as much as you'd expect from cats though.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

BHB4408 said:


> The average heart transplant recipient lives about 10 years on average. I'm 4 years in, and doing well so far. My question is kind of strange. Bear with me...
> 
> I was married for 25 years to a woman who was a wonderful mother to our kids, financially responsible with our money, and an overall decent woman. She never lied to me, and was extremely honest. My only complaint was she was not interested in any sex unless the lights were off, and in missionary position. I was willing to live with that, and would've died feeling I had a good marriage. My health struggles started in 2013, and ended up with the heart transplant in 2016. In and out of the hospital over that 3 year period, and living with an artificial heart pump until the transplant. To make a long story short, she started cheating on me when I was in the hospital. She had formed a relationship with a man at her gym, and they had been carrying on for about 3 years. The lies were showing up, and I was in Limbo for a year before I found out what was going on. When I found out, I felt relief and divorced her, 3 years ago. I don't regret that at all.
> 
> ...


Wow, your ex-wife could be my wife's twin sister as far as sex goes. LOL

For the good of your health, get rid of your volatile girlfriend.

Does all the good things about her make up for the possible grief you will have to suffer through?

Think about your health. Your heart issue could be negatively impacted by the turmoil. No?

JMHO.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Your dog, your loyal, faithful dog, or your controlling woman?
> 
> I think you made the right decision.


Bloody oath he did! I wouldn't give up my beloved dogs for anyone, hell no!

I had a giggle at the curry incident - years ago, I'd made a delicious meal and my brother was over. He wanted seconds and I said to help himself, plenty still in the pan. He went over and said "It's not here, you sure you didn't put it away?" I knew I hadn't yet and went over and sure enough, nothing in the pan that was mysteriously sparkling clean. Look over to see a very contented German Shepherd licking his lips and nose 🤣


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At the end of the day, dogs are going to act like dogs. Food out and no one home is asking for trouble so that’s no surprise. And, yes, I would have found it very funny — as long as I didn’t have to clean it up.

i think she’ll be back because not everyone is going to put up with her control-freak nature (not about the dog but other stuff). Don’t let that happen.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

while sharing dog stavories: my golden retriever, when she was still young, ate 16 raw pork chops I was preparing for dinner. I had to go to answer the phone for few minutes, and when I came back only 4 chops were left, one for each human family member. So, she did think of us....
She does not do that anymore, I do not have to worry about leaving food out.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Yes, my dog is normally well trained and well behaved. And I'm sorry but I thought it was funny when she left footprints in Chicken Curry on the counter and stove top. I purchased two little devices that activate when the beam is crossed, and shoots out a puff of air with a beep. $29 x 2, and now Kimmy won't even get close to the kitchen.

The trouble I'm having is to stop thinking of all the wonderful things my GF afforded me. She was the perfect partner in many ways, taking me to the hospital when I need her to. She rents a room from her Aunt, and loves staying at my house. She is smiley and bubbly almost every day, and the affection she shows is something I need really bad. She likes going to the races, and loves rides on my motorcycle. Her skin is like a teenagers, and she is really beautiful. She dresses nice, and smells wonderful. I doubt I will ever find those things in another. The other thing I like about her is her appreciation for me helping her in many ways. She struggles at her job, and is stressed by her boss, hates where she lives, and I help her stand up when she needs to. Maybe strange, but that's something I really like doing.

90% wonderful, and 10% disaster. The 10% are serous issues, and I agree that I shouldn't have to put up with it. But part of me feels I should compromise the 10% to get the 90%. No compromise on my dog, but other things. The ratios are amounts of time she is one way or the other. My dog will always be with me. No question. If she could get control of her instant anger issue, both Kimmy and I would have a very good partner.

Anybody out there that see's what I'm saying?

Waffling, I know. But just spilling out how I feel today.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I see what you are saying. And realistically many women won't want to enter a relationship with a partner whose health is in such shape. Even if you are great right now anyone who knows about heart transplants knows it means lots of doctors and uncertainty. Normally I'd say you need to find someone compatible with your lifestyle that includes your dog. But you may need to approach this with what does she need and what do you need. There are ways to discuss needs and make changes that can benefit a relationship. I believe you could probably find some compromise with the dog. Like the dog isn't allowed in the kitchen.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It is a tough one. You are getting a lot good tHings from her. 
is there a way to have a really serious conversation with her? Would she admit that this is an issue? Tell her all the good things you love about her, and tell her how her outburst are affecting you? Is there a chance of her-understanding this and wanting to work on ut?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There sometimes is a price to be paid for affection.

Sometimes, it is cold cash, sometimes it is bouts of madness and violent dejection.

The good in your case outweighs the bad in hers.

What have you to lose, certainly not your life?
Invite her back, set forth your conditions.
..................................................................................

I suspect it is not the dog that has her down, this, that has made her....done.
No.

She saw the futility in this relationship with you, and she acted badly to get you to madly 'reject her'.

As odd as that sounds, this odd may be the answer.

.................................................................................

She will likely turn you down. Down and dejected, with you not relying on her anymore.

Oh, she may have a new man, one in better condition. 
These things happen.
Yes.

I wish the best for you. 
You do deserve better, not that bitter sweet.
I will conjure this better tweet and send her, your way.

_Gwendolyn-_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

A friend of mine in the service was married to a girl from the Philippines. She definitely had a temper at times. Just a s sweet as she could be at others. I remember a time when he wasn’t supposed to go to the e club after work one day. He got back to his house around midnight and tried to go to sleep on the couch. Heard a noise and it was his wife over him with a butcher knife. He took off for the door leading to the garage and started threw it. That is when the butcher knife sunk into the door beside his head. He finished sleeping in his car that night. His daughters got him up the next morning and his wife had breakfast ready for him with a kiss on the cheek.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> It is a tough one. You are getting a lot good tHings from her.
> is there a way to have a really serious conversation with her? Would she admit that this is an issue? Tell her all the good things you love about her, and tell her how her outburst are affecting you? Is there a chance of her-understanding this and wanting to work on ut?


^^^^^^This ..... WandaJ has a good point. Why not try round two but set your conditions. It’s at least worth a try. It’s OK that your waffling...... you have a lot to think about and your reevaluating a lot of things about life.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Thank you for your replies. ABHale's reply struck me hard. I actually don't trust her in her anger. Very sweet one day, and off her rocker the next. She's broken things when she's upset, and truthfully my fear of it getting worse is there. She is begging to get back with me, and I feel bad that I'm not willing. If I could just have her as a girlfriend, to do fun things with, I would be happy. But she wants to move in and talk about marriage. I tried the long heartfelt communications with her, but she just starts crying and apologizing. I've set the boundries and she's agreed with them, but then it only lasts a few weeks. If I could trust her anger, get her to accept my dog (with some changes I would need to make), and get her to stop saying I'm hurting her emotionally (because I couldn't have been nicer throughout), I would really be serious about forming a strong lasting relationship with her. I'm not there, so I think I'll just have to turn her sweet requests down. I've offered to get her counseling or therapy to work out her troubled mind, but she refuses that, and doesn't think she needs it. I do. Thank you again for helping me think through this. It's a sad situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, I felt she’d try to come back. She knew she had a good thing going. I’m not one who thinks that her issues are just a tiny problem to work out. I think she has strong control freak tendencies and if you marry her — which is what she’s after — they would only get worse. So, no.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

One of the things which is notable about your story is that your GF did the opposite almost of an affair, she told you what she can't tolerate and left without cheating on you first.

Since I like dogs but don't want the work of owing one I think I would have gotten rid of the dog, especially for an asian lady.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BHB4408 said:


> Thank you for your replies. ABHale's reply struck me hard. I actually don't trust her in her anger. Very sweet one day, and off her rocker the next. She's broken things when she's upset, and truthfully my fear of it getting worse is there. She is begging to get back with me, and I feel bad that I'm not willing. If I could just have her as a girlfriend, to do fun things with, I would be happy. But she wants to move in and talk about marriage. I tried the long heartfelt communications with her, but she just starts crying and apologizing. I've set the boundries and she's agreed with them, but then it only lasts a few weeks. If I could trust her anger, get her to accept my dog (with some changes I would need to make), and get her to stop saying I'm hurting her emotionally (because I couldn't have been nicer throughout), I would really be serious about forming a strong lasting relationship with her. I'm not there, so I think I'll just have to turn her sweet requests down. I've offered to get her counseling or therapy to work out her troubled mind, but she refuses that, and doesn't think she needs it. I do. Thank you again for helping me think through this. It's a sad situation.


Then you can walk away with your head held high ..... your a good man !!!


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

I've decided to disappear for a couple months. Showing her that I won't put up with any of her nonsense. I don't want to hurt her, but only when she knows I'm truly willing to walk away, maybe she will reevaluate what's truly important for her. After the months, if she still wants to try again, I will ask that we (both of us) go to counseling of some sorts to work out true expectations for both sides. I'm willing to make improvements in myself (for her), but there will never come a time where I will kill my dog for anyone. If she doesn't come back, I'll consider myself lucky to have gone through this, and just live my life for myself. There won't be another woman who will accept my medical condition. and want to form the relationship with me like my GF. And that will be OK. Thank you all again for your thoughts, advice and care.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Update: As many of you said, my exGF continued to try to contact me. I didn't respond over a three month period, but about two months ago, I finally met with her again for dinner. She sincerely apologized and asked if we could try again. I agreed, but made it very clear what I would accept and what I wouldn't. We went on a few dates, and she was the happy, upbeat woman I've loved. About a month ago, she began spending time at my house with me and my dog, Kimmy. She actively went to work "training her" with some pretty important behavior modifications. Long story short, she loves Kimmy now, and I haven't seen any signs of anything different, like I saw before. I took a head-on approach, and told her I would not marry her. She is fine (for now) accepting that as long as we spend time together. I appreciate and enjoy that. Her 90% "perfect for me" is now much higher. There's still a small percentage of things I have to deal with. She feels jealous when I want to spend time with female friends of mine, buy I just invite her to come along and she shows her wonderful side to them, which makes me proud. I've learned to stop accepting unacceptable behavior, and am outspoken when she gets in a bad mood. That's helped a lot. Before, I would keep my mouth shut and just learned to accept it. No longer.

To make a long story short, I'm not convinced that her new attitude will last, but I'm willing to find out. She, no doubt, knows that if it doesn't, I'll send her away. I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. It's helped me a lot.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

"You have to teach people how to treat you." -Dr. Phil

Good job. I hope it lasts.


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