# Should I go or should I stay?



## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

Long story short - I discovered that my wife had an affair about 3 years ago while I was teaching overseas. I discovered this in June, 2015 and I let me principal know that I wouldn't be returning for the 2016/2017 school year in October, 2015. I quickly found what I consider to be a dream job in Costa Rica for next school year. My wife could hardly object and things were going fine, I stopped obsessing about her affair but then boom - she gets pregnant!

We already have two young girls (6 and 8) so yes, it would be really hard for her if I go.

First she says, if I go then she wants a divorce and I gladly agreed. I told her she could have all the assets (I'm a teacher so its not much but she can have it) and that I would send her all my money and basically live on bologna sandwiches. I really thought we had it worked out. Then, out of the blue she says that if I go, she would get an abortion so I told her that I wouldn't go but I'm miserable and the thought of not going is like a trigger or something and I'm starting to think about her affair again. I'm starting to feel really depressed, I'm starting to eat too much and I'm not sure what to do.

I really want to leave!

What should I do?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Togetherness is a basic requirement for marriage.
As a husband and father, you should not be taking jobs overseas.
This has caused your marriage to fall apart. I don't condone cheating, but the fact that you take jobs overeseas played a major part in her affair.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My opinion you should absolutely get divorced from someone who is trying to extort you. As far as leaving no. Married or not you have two young daughters to help raise. You can always pursue these interests later in life when they are all up and out of the house.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Togetherness is a basic requirement for marriage.
> As a husband and father, you should not be taking jobs overseas.
> This has caused your marriage to fall apart. I don't condone cheating, but the fact that you take jobs overeseas played a major part in her affair.


We met in China and I made it clear that I am an international school teacher and always will be one. I told her straight out that this is my career and I love what I do. She 100% agreed. Well, four countries and two babies later she "couldn't do it anymore" and said either take me back to China or take me to America or we get a divorce. I took her to America. 

I hear your type of comment all the time and I couldn't disagree more. She knew the deal before we married and she agreed to the life-style I was proposing so she should have stayed with me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I'm not sure that I understand your situation clearly. You said "things were going fine, I stopped obsessing about her affair". Does this mean you and your wife were working through reconciliation? If so, what were you two doing to truly reconcile?


As far as leaving and divorcing, or staying......there are risks and consequences to either decision. Make sure that you've run through all scenarios before deciding.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> My opinion you should absolutely get divorced from someone who is trying to extort you. As far as leaving no. Married or not you have two young daughters to help raise. You can always pursue these interests later in life when they are all up and out of the house.


Actually 2 young daughters and a kid on the way - so what? I'm talking about Costa Rica, not war torn Iraq. I'm sure they know how to deliver babies in Costa Rica and I'm sure my daughters would love it there. 

Why should I sacrifice my career so she can have her "American Dream?" And then on top of that, she has an affair?

Sorry, I'm just not that much of a Christian.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

W74,

*Kobayashi Maru.*


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

americansteve said:


> We met in China and I made it clear that I am an international school teacher and always will be one. I told her straight out that this is my career and I love what I do. She 100% agreed. Well, four countries and two babies later she "couldn't do it anymore" and said either take me back to China or take me to America or we get a divorce. I took her to America.
> 
> *I hear your type of comment all the time and I couldn't disagree more. She knew the deal before we married and she agreed to the life-style I was proposing so she should have stayed with me.*


It's very common for people to change their tune after years of this type of bohemian lifestyle. She may have been 100% on board with your career choice when you two started out but she's not with it now. Nothing wrong with that but it means that you don't share the same goals anymore. 

Whether your wife chooses to abort the fetus is outside your control. She has to do what is best for her and the girls based on what she foresees to be their future. She may not want to raise ANOTHER child alone. 

Base your decisions on what is best for you and your daughters. Let your wife make her decisions on what she feels is best for her and your girls.

eta: are your children American Citizens?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> I'm not sure that I understand your situation clearly. You said "things were going fine, I stopped obsessing about her affair". Does this mean you and your wife were working through reconciliation? If so, what were you two doing to truly reconcile


After I got the job in Costa Rica, I started to feel better and I stopped thinking about her affair all the time. Things got better in that sense - I just started to feel better and I stopped attacking her for what she did, I stopped harassing her affair partner - things got better.

We didn't do anything to reconcile except have more sex than we had ever had before.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

WHY are you giving up the idea of the Costa Rica job? If you were willing to divorce her at her request earlier, what has changed now? Take the job, and let things play out accordingly.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> WHY are you giving up the idea of the Costa Rica job? If you were willing to divorce her at her request earlier, what has changed now? Take the job, and let things play out accordingly.


Thanks - that's the kind of supportive advice that I am looking for.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

In my life I know my priorities and generally make decisions based on what is best for my kids first and me second. So if I'm ever not sure what to do I think about my priorities and make sure my decisions are in-line with them so that I know I have no regrets, regardless of what happens. You should take some time to think what are your priorities and how are they ranked. Is it you, your job, your kids, your wife, and what is the order that your rank your priorities. Once you have established that deciding what to do is pretty easy.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

So she's blackmailing you to stay by telling you she will terminate the baby

Do you think in the long term a women who would even consider that should have another life to possibly 
control and god knows do what if she doesn't get her way again

If you stay it will set a president on using her children to control you


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> In my life I know my priorities and generally make decisions based on what is best for my kids first and me second. So if I'm ever not sure what to do I think about my priorities and make sure my decisions are in-line with them so that I know I have no regrets, regardless of what happens. You should take some time to think what are your priorities and how are they ranked. Is it you, your job, your kids, your wife, and what is the order that your rank your priorities. Once you have established that deciding what to do is pretty easy.


My mom and dad stayed in their miserable marriage for the sake of the kids and made us all miserable. I know one thing for sure, because I know me - if I do stay and sacrifice for the sake of the kids, I'll probably gain 100 pounds, be nothing but resentful and probably wouldn't even be able to keep my job long - term. My kids would probably wish I had left. Sometimes being selfish is best all around.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

AmericanSteve,

When you say you were harassing her affair partner, is the OM, "other man", still nearby or in contact with your W?

Have you exposed the OM professionally, to his wife/GF and to his family?

Tamat


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Divorce. You won't change anything, except be miserable. She had an affair. That is on her. You have different goals in life. Game over.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Honestly, while some things suck for the kids in a divorced family, others are good if both sides are good parents. Twice everything can be pretty sweet.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> AmericanSteve,
> 
> When you say you were harassing her affair partner, is the OM, "other man", still nearby or in contact with your W?
> 
> ...


Her AP is a total POS and it turns out a serial cheater. I harassed the man so much, I had a detective show up at my door threatening me with arrest. Once I found out who he was, I let his employer know and I went to his work to call him out; I told his wife, his facebook friends, his church, the school his kids went to - just on and on. This was the one time in my life that I felt homicidal. I was in a really bad place. 

Once I made the decision to go back overseas and then when I got the job offer in Costa Rica, things stated to get better for me - in my head that is. I still think about the guy but hardly at all and without the same homicidal intensity. I started treating my wife much better; I stopped punishing her. But now, with the possibility that I might be stuck here, its all starting again. The mind-movies, the anger - it's like a trigger.

If I decide to stay, I'll probably start stalking this guy again and at some point start punishing my wife.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

americansteve said:


> Her AP is a total POS and it turns out a serial cheater. I harassed the man so much, I had a detective show up at my door threatening me with arrest. Once I found out who he was, I let his employer know and I went to his work to call him out; I told his wife, his facebook friends, his church, the school his kids went to - just on and on. This was the one time in my life that I felt homicidal. I was in a really bad place.
> 
> Once I made the decision to go back overseas and then when I got the job offer in Costa Rica, things stated to get better for me - in my head that is. I still think about the guy but hardly at all and without the same homicidal intensity. I started treating my wife much better; I stopped punishing her. But now, with the possibility that I might be stuck here, its all starting again. The mind-movies, the anger - it's like a trigger.
> 
> If I decide to stay, I'll probably start stalking this guy again and at some point start punishing my wife.


AmericanSteve from what you have posted the answer to your dilemma is obvious to me and I would think to the average person

Only you know any of the nuances if there are any


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

americansteve said:


> My mom and dad stayed in their miserable marriage for the sake of the kids and made us all miserable. I know one thing for sure, because I know me - if I do stay and sacrifice for the sake of the kids, I'll probably gain 100 pounds, be nothing but resentful and probably wouldn't even be able to keep my job long - term. My kids would probably wish I had left. Sometimes being selfish is best all around.


It sounds like your kids aren't your number 1 priority because if they were then staying with them wouldn't be such a negative thing in your mind. I'm not judging you here. You are free to feel that way and make your life decisions accordingly. Just be prepared to live with the ramifications of those choices whether they are good or bad.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> It sounds like your kids aren't your number 1 priority because if they were then staying with them wouldn't be such a negative thing in your mind. I'm not judging you here. You are free to feel that way and make your life decisions accordingly. Just be prepared to live with the ramifications of those choices whether they are good or bad.


Well I can just turn that line of reasoning around on my wife - if the kids were her priority, she would agree to go with me to Costa Rica. The bottom line is, there is a direct line from her cheating to me leaving. She is more than welcome to come but her "American Dream" is more important than an in- tact family.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

americansteve said:


> Actually 2 young daughters and a kid on the way - so what? I'm talking about Costa Rica, not war torn Iraq. I'm sure they know how to deliver babies in Costa Rica and I'm sure my daughters would love it there.
> 
> Why should I sacrifice my career so she can have her "American Dream?" And then on top of that, she has an affair?
> 
> Sorry, I'm just not that much of a Christian.


Tbh you do not sound like husband material at all or know what is essential to keep a marriage together. Your wife probably would have agreed to anything when she was so in love with you but reality set it and being the obtuse person you sound your attitude is 'get with the programme or else'. Did you stop to think she is coming from China and you leave her in unfamiliar territory while it's clear you can't wait to get away. Why can't she follow you to your new destinations, why must you go alone, that is not the way the international school systems work, families are welcome. In short you want to put your wife and kids on a shelf and take them out to play when it suits you. You don't deserve a family. Do the poor family a favour and be free and give them a divorce.
There is no excuse for her having an affair but you dropped the ball long before that and that is one of the consequences.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

Aine - for the most part you sound like a moralizing old babbler but you do ask one legitimate question:



> Why can't she follow you to your new destinations, why must you go alone, that is not the way the international school systems work, families are welcome.


Why indeed can't she follow me to Costa Rica? 
As I stated repeatedly, she is more than welcome to come but she has a typical Chinese view of "The American Dream" that more or less rules out Costa Rica. 

In the future, before you start criticizing a post, at least have the decency to actually read the post!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's very typical for a person to agree to some lifestyle decision before marriage... and as they actually experience what they agreed to, figure out that it actually does not work for them.

The bottom line is this. For you to have a marriage and a family, you and your family needs to be physically together. At the end of the day you can play a blame game but this is about the choices you want to make about the things that are important to you.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> It's very typical for a person to agree to some lifestyle decision before marriage... and as they actually experience what they agreed to, figure out that it actually does not work for them.


Well that's really on her and if she realized that the life style she agreed to wasn't for her, she could have filed for a divorce while I was overseas. But she didn't. She decided to be a **** and didn't even have the common sense to delete the graphic texts that led to my discovering the affair. 



> The bottom line is this. For you to have a marriage and a family, you and your family needs to be physically together. At the end of the day you can play a blame game but this is about the choices you want to make about the things that are important to you.


I agree - in order for tha marriage to work, she needs to follow me to Costa Rica. Otherwise, I'm going to tell her whatever she wants to hear to prevent her from aborting my child. And then I'll go to Costa Rica. Because I'm going and there is no "blame game" going on. She is welcome to come but I'm going.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First find out if she's even pregnant -- if she is, find out if it's yours. There's no need to wait for birth to do this.

Divorce either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is hard to be sympathetic to your cause when you are acting like a d!ck to those who are holding you to task for areas that may in fact be legitimate. 

It would do you good to have the humility to hear criticism without becoming defensive.

It reinforces that maybe your wife should be divorced for her benefit as opposed to yours.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> It reinforces that maybe your wife should be divorced for her benefit as opposed to yours.


Works for me - she is nothing but a cheating **** after all and from what I can tell, a fresh start in Costa Rica would be a real blessing. 

The issue is the threat of an abortion. She is definitely pregnant - we have already been to the OBYGN and I saw the baby move and heard its heart beat. She is 8 weeks pregnant so by my calculations, I'd need to wait another 20 weeks before an abortion is just not possible.

If it is my baby, and especially if its a son, that would be just great. I would love that but it wouldn't stop me from going to Costa Rica.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

americansteve said:


> My mom and dad stayed in their miserable marriage for the sake of the kids and made us all miserable.


Show me a couple are in a miserable marriage but stay together strictly for the kids and I'll show you a bunch of screwed up kids and future adults.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Show me a couple are in a miserable marriage but stay together strictly for the kids and I'll show you a bunch of screwed up kids and future adults.


My point exactly!
Just the thought of having to stay here is already messing with me.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

americansteve said:


> Works for me - she is nothing but a cheating **** after all and from what I can tell, a fresh start in Costa Rica would be a real blessing.
> 
> The issue is the threat of an abortion. She is definitely pregnant - we have already been to the OBYGN and I saw the baby move and heard its heart beat. She is 8 weeks pregnant so by my calculations, I'd need to wait another 20 weeks before an abortion is just not possible.
> 
> If it is my baby, and especially if its a son, that would be just great. I would love that but it wouldn't stop me from going to Costa Rica.


So you're willing to leave your children to pursue a job in a foreign country? I'll be totally upfront when I say that in my mind children are a blessing and should always come first. What difference does it matter to you if you are abandoning two children or three. You're fighting for a child that you would willingly leave behind? Doesn't make sense to me. Now go ahead and flame me if you want.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> So you're willing to leave your children to pursue a job in a foreign country? I'll be totally upfront when I say that in my mind children are a blessing and should always come first. What difference does it matter to you if you are abandoning two children or three. You're fighting for a child that you would willingly leave behind? Doesn't make sense to me. Now go ahead and flame me if you want.


First of all, and I really don't get the confusion here: SHE IS WELCOME TO COME! SHE HAS DECIDED NOT TO! I'm not abandoning anyone. I'm going to my new posting just like I have been for 25 years now.

Second of all, whether I'm here or not, I'm sure that little un-born baby will appreciate being alive.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

AmericanSteve,

I'm not knocking but what you wanted was a girlfriend, not a wife. I don't understand how you could live away from your kids like that. You should have seen this coming. Did you think your wife was really going to be faithful while you pursued your dreams in far away lands? GTFOOHWTBS!!! You have nothing to be upset about. Suck it up. Man up. Raise your daughters.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> AmericanSteve,
> 
> I'm not knocking but what you wanted was a girlfriend, not a wife. I don't understand how you could live away from your kids like that. You should have seen this coming. Did you think your wife was really going to be faithful while you pursued your dreams in far away lands? GTFOOHWTBS!!! You have nothing to be upset about. Suck it up. Man up. Raise your daughters.


We agreed to this life before we got married and she bailed out on it. There are lots of teaching couples with kids so it isn't un-heard of. In fact, those kids seem like they have a world of advantage and often are fluent in a second and even third language. Maybe she should "man-up" and go to Costa Rica with me. Just think of the experience our daughters would have?

FYI: I didn't see it coming. Even after she bailed, I thought we were partners, I sent her all my wages and I lived a frugal life. It turns out, while she was busy sucking some guys ****, I was teaching in Vietnam. Do you have any idea how easy it would have been for me to find a really young girlfriend and hide that from her? But guess what: it never entered my mind. 

I've thought on this a whole lot since D-Day and I fully understand that just because a person doesn't cheat, that doesn't make them an angel - I get that. I'm no angel; I just never thought to cheat. On the other hand, I've also concluded that there are people, and I suspect you are one of them, that just assume everyone cheats given the opportunity. It's also not true. Some people, for whatever reason, just don't cheat and some people, for whatever reason, do cheat. 

I read somewhere that its is in the genes: people who cheat tend to be risk-takers more so than people who don't. Whatever - why should I have seen that coming? If I was a Marine and in Afghanistan while she was cheating, I bet you wouldn't say that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

americansteve said:


> Aine - for the most part you sound like a moralizing old babbler but you do ask one legitimate question:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I apologise for misreading your post but my comments about your attitude still stand. 
Your level of maturity reflects in your name calling, I pity the kids you are going to teach tbh.
Being married and having a family is hard work, not something you can do on a part time basis. You are foolish to expect a marriage to survive never mind flourish when you only check in on it from time to time. 
Added to that you are from very different cultures. 
You may want to refer to me as an 'old babbler' but i have had probably much more experience of the expat trail than you, first step was to educate ourselves on the pros and cons and discuss each move (until the last one when H decided unilaterally to return to his native country -part of the reason we are now separated, I got fed up of supporting his dreams back here, giving up a career twice and doing most single handed. Incidentally we are also from very different cultures. However we usually discussed the challenges we would face, the problems for the kids, schooling,etc. 
You make Costa Rica sound like a paradise (usually that is the mantra if you want to drink from coconuts and live on the beach) , but she is right to have some reservations, can she speak Spanish, is she familiar with the expatriate circle (probably not) and you have no idea how difficult that can be for a trailing spouse. It is ok for the partner who goes to an office or job every day but it can be very difficult for the trailing spouse, I think you have absolutely no idea about this.

It sounds as if you think she should be grateful for the opportunity. 
You married your wife, you know how different the Chinese can be with regard to their expectations, their views on the world etc. If you had wanted someone independent, willing to immerse themselves in an alien culture then that was on you. You chose her.
I still stand by what I said, you do not sound very empathetic or understanding, to expect your W to just get with your programme is short sighted and evidence of your character. 
I am surprised considering you teach (my experience of international school types is that they are very open and empathetic people). 
On the other hand you may have married your W because you thought your W was the type of person who would just accept your word as law (many men who marry Asians make that mistake) only to discover your W does have a back bone and is actually a tigress in disguise. You will lose all of it, if you are not willing to really understand how she feels.

On the other hand her affair was totally wrong, but a neglected wife is in the highest risk category for affairs, add to that a neglectful, unempathetic husband and there you have it.

From "the old babbler"


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

americansteve said:


> Well I can just turn that line of reasoning around on my wife - if the kids were her priority, she would agree to go with me to Costa Rica. The bottom line is, there is a direct line from her cheating to me leaving. She is more than welcome to come but her "American Dream" is more important than an in- tact family.


How old are you? He said, she said, he said she said, blah, blah blah. FFS, even if you don't give a d*** about your WW, what about your kids?
Your relationship with your WW is s***, yet your expect her to have a desire to up sticks and move to the other side of the world, being totally financially dependent and otherwise on a man who has shown her that he will punish her, doesn't really give a toss about her even before she had the A, she would be insane to go with and she knows it, so now you have a standoff. 
What your WW does it's on her, but you are more interested in your own hide, protecting yourself than your kids, you should just divorce now and move on. Maybe in 20 yrs time you will regret losing your kids, but heck you are young and need to get away and live life to the fullest. :surprise::surprise:


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Bait and switch, Man! Divorce from this marriage. You're just going to delay the inevitable! Woman here. I'm 58 years old and 36 years married (first time for both of us). I've seen too many men and women who hope to change their spouses in the future. Hence, too many divorces as many "practice to deceive".


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

Hicks said:


> Togetherness is a basic requirement for marriage.
> As a husband and father, you should not be taking jobs overseas.
> This has caused your marriage to fall apart. I don't condone cheating, but the fact that you take jobs overeseas played a major part in her affair.


What??? I think you missed something.

this dude is leaving because his wife had an affair.

his wife had an affair they where together.

now he wants to leave and go live abroad because of it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Its obvious to me why wants to stay here. What she really cares about is here. But why do you want to teach offshore? There are numerous jobs for teachers.
That said, you two really need to go your separate ways. You'd be doing each other a favor.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

I suggest you talk to a counselor or therapist. to heal first and clear your mind.
Have you read some books on healing from an affair.

but what I think is that running away from the problem "might" not be good solution.

also talk to an attorney about your kids.
you might loose some if not most of your custody.

you have to plan this out.

you might get buried in Spousal and Child support. and will wreck havoc on your finance's.

talk to your attorney about strategies going through the divorce.

I suggest for now not to tell your wife about you knowing about her affair. Talk to your attorney first.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Are you sure the impending kid is yours?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

Thanks for all the input - even though some of it is just mind boggling. It seems "no-contest" that I have every right to go to Costa Rica and leave my cheating wife behind to care for the kids. She is more than welcome to come and if she doesn't, I'll live off bologna sandwiches and send her the money. So that's that.

The unborn kid may or may not be mine but I'll get a paternity test after its born so I'll see.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

americansteve said:


> Thanks for all the input - even though some of it is just mind boggling. It seems "no-contest" that I have every right to go to Costa Rica and leave my cheating wife behind to care for the kids. She is more than welcome to come and if she doesn't, I'll live off bologna sandwiches and send her the money. So that's that.
> 
> The unborn kid may or may not be mine but I'll get a paternity test after its born so I'll see.


talk to your attorney to check any legal problems you might encounter.
just be informed that a paternity test can be done before the baby is born.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You're still very angry about A. Bailing on Costa Rica is just another kick. Looking after baby in USA or Costa Rica isn't that different & she had kids before as an expat. 

Might she may have got pregnant deliberately to thwart Costa Rica & assumed you'd stay? You won't stay, so saying she will abort sort of makes sense if she did it deliberately.

Is she a stay-at-home Mom? If not, is her career suffering because of all the moves? 

Have you thought about what life will be like without your little girls. Dad/daughter is a special bond & you won't be there to protect them. They may blame you later on for deserting them & it is probably how Mom will paint it to them. 

Ask her why another baby should make such a huge difference. 
Ask her how she will feel when your daughters won't have a Dad around to protect them. 

Expat life is fine for kids when younger, but destabilising for teenagers. I've seen the fallout with expat teenagers. You might have to get longer postings/settle down later anyway. 

You both seem so easily ready to divorce. Are you sure you guys are still in love? 

Maybe after the A, she sees she can find another man who doesn't move around. 

Threatening you with aborting is plain horrible. Will she go through with it? 
How will you feel if she does, assuming it's yours because A had finished?
Are you 100% sure the A has finished. If not, it might be a factor in all this. Or maybe she figures she can get back with OM if you leave. 

There's something odd about all this & I can't put my finger on it.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@**********

Still angry is an understatement. Sometimes I'm walking around talking to myself in a homicidal state of rage. On a good day, I only think about it like 10 times.



> Might she may have got pregnant deliberately to thwart Costa Rica & assumed you'd stay? You won't stay, so saying she will abort sort of makes sense if she did it deliberately.


I don't think so because she just got a really good job and this baby messes that up to some extent. Of course, me leaving makes it just about impossible. I did refuse to use condoms after D-Day but only because she let the POS AP have unprotected sex. That really blew my mind! She always insisted I use condoms but for him, unprotected sex was just fine. They even had a pregnancy scare and she asked him what he thought about that and he said "honestly, I don't want any more kids." Another thing was oral sex. She would never do that for me but they apparently made a regular habit of it. 

I doubt very much she has any interest in this particular OM - once she found out he was married, she ended the affair. What I think she wanted was to jump ship and she thought she had a younger man who was unmarried. What she got was a married serial cheater with 3 kids of his own and a felony conviction, which I found out about AFTER D-Day.



> Expat life is fine for kids when younger, but destabilizing for teenagers. I've seen the fallout with expat teenagers. You might have to get longer postings/settle down later anyway.


My daughters are 6 and 8 and 2 years in Costa Rica would be an experience of a lifetime but my wife won't even consider going and she won't consider letting me take them. Which leads to the next point that you bring up:



> Have you thought about what life will be like without your little girls. Dad/daughter is a special bond & you won't be there to protect them. They may blame you later on for deserting them & it is probably how Mom will paint it to them.


Well, what can I do about that? Nothing except cave-in and stay. Its kind of like the threat of abortion. Basically she is saying "I refuse to go but if you leave, you won't be here to protect your daughters." Yes, that bothers me very much but its just not enough to stop me from going. 



> There's something odd about all this & I can't put my finger on it.


You don't know the half of it! The whole story is so twisted and convoluted that I don't even want to go into it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh yes @americansteve, I can sure relate to the anger. Been there, done that. Actually still doing it. Some days I know I look like some crazy lady walking down the street muttering to herself - between clenched teeth . 

Ouch! The nature of the sex with OM compared to you, her husband. That hurts. . . Has she given you a reason? Then again, would you want to know. I would be LIVID about that. And she had a pregnancy scare with him? I guess he must have bailed quickly after that, sure must have been a cold shower so to speak. WTF, does she have something against taking the pill??????

I digress momentarily. You said it was going well since D-Day in your first post. You discovered it in June 2015 so it isn't even a year. From what posters say, R takes years. . . & is tough, real tough. Maybe it wasn't going well, especially given your anger, but it takes years for the anger to go anyway. Is she/has she been a truly remorseful spouse? Did you find out or did she confess? Do you think she would have left you if OM was a married serial cheater with a crime record? Sheesh! Whether she's a remorseful spouse is what I'm trying to get at - which is critical Costa Rica or not. 

Expat life. . . I meant you might have to have be more settled in the future, not now. That is when the girls are teenagers, a long time away. Just something to hold in the back of your mind. Expat life until then is great for kids IMO. 

BTW, I have friends who are planning to move to Costa Rica and settle there. Sounds amazing actually.  

If you go, in terms of the kids, teachers get long holidays which match their kids' holidays. It's a HUGE advantage of the job. Therefore they can come to you for holidays. Or you to them. And you can fly to see them a couple of times in between. Would all that be possible? Some Dads are in the military or are in other occupations where they are away, so it's not like it's unusual. In my case for example, when we divorced, the ex moved 5000 miles away. He used to fly to see the kids (10,8 &3) once every 6 weeks or so for a long weekend. Then he would take them on holidays twice a year. They are grown up now and seem to have done fine with Dad not being close-by. These days there's Skype etc so you can even help them with their homework!

For the girls, it's better if you're apart than unhappily together because even if they're young they sense it, ESPECIALLY girls. And it hurts them. Sometimes, they even blame themselves! When we divorced, my 3 kids told me shortly after that they much preferred us living apart - including the 3 year old! And I thought we hid it well! Kids are smarter than we think . Adults don't like to live in a tense environment. Go figure. Dunno where you are Stateside but it's about 5 hours flight to Costa Rica from New York. Just trying to work out the mechanics of how it could work if you left. 

Her career is a big factor & that is very tough on a trailing spouse as a poster mentioned. Did she get the job AFTER you guys decided to go to CR? If she got it before, then it clearly wasn't a big deal. Can she practice her profession in Costa Rica or do contract work online for example? I know a banker who is domiciled in Germany but works for banks all over the world. 

Bottom line for the family is, that no matter how this ends up, do you want to R with her? And does she want to R with you? Something tells me 'no' on two counts & the CR issue may have just brought it to the surface. If two people love each other and want to R, then they find a way and tbh, WS has to be on the backfoot because whether they like it or not they have been given a gift - not that many WS see it like that. I'm thinking this is much more about the relationship & not Costa Rica. And it's not like Costa Rica is Nigeria for example! Quite the opposite since because of my friends moving to live there, I know lots about it. 

Has she told you she will abort 100% or do you think she is just saying it. Abortion is pretty commonplace in China because of the one-child policy so it may not seem as big a deal to her as in other cultures. 

How long before you have to go to CR?

I'll bet there IS more to your story & I posted because I think you have got a bit of a rough ride on here. Not enough constructive discussion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eastsouth2000 said:


> What??? I think you missed something.
> 
> this dude is leaving because his wife had an affair.
> 
> his wife had an affair they where together.


From the OP's additional posts, it seems that he was living away from his wife and children... teaching in Vietnam when she had the affair.

It's hard to keep a love relationship going when a couple lives apart for a long time.



eastsouth2000 said:


> now he wants to leave and go live abroad because of it.


He wants to leave and go live abroad because that's what he does... he moves from country to country and sometimes leaves his wife and kids behind while he does that. 

My understanding is that he'd be going to Costa Rica or some other country to teach whether she had an affair or not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

americansteve said:


> Thanks for all the input - even though some of it is just mind boggling. It seems "no-contest" that I have every right to go to Costa Rica and leave my cheating wife behind to care for the kids. She is more than welcome to come and if she doesn't, I'll live off bologna sandwiches and send her the money. So that's that.
> 
> The unborn kid may or may not be mine but I'll get a paternity test after its born so I'll see.


You can get a paternity test now.... Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test on Maternal Blood

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test on Maternal Blood | PRENATAL GENETICS CENTER


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

americansteve said:


> Long story short - I discovered that my wife had an affair about 3 years ago while I was teaching overseas. I discovered this in June, 2015 and I let me principal know that I wouldn't be returning for the 2016/2017 school year in October, 2015. I quickly found what I consider to be a dream job in Costa Rica for next school year. My wife could hardly object and things were going fine, I stopped obsessing about her affair but then boom - she gets pregnant!
> 
> We already have two young girls (6 and 8) so yes, it would be really hard for her if I go.
> 
> ...


You should have taken her with you now she is subjecting you to emotional blackmail. Seek MC ASAP.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Hicks said:


> Togetherness is a basic requirement for marriage.
> As a husband and father, you should not be taking jobs overseas.
> This has caused your marriage to fall apart. I don't condone cheating, but the fact that you take jobs overeseas played a major part in her affair.


I respectfully disagree. There is NO justification for infidelity in this scenario-then again I can't really think of ANY justification ever... It is not like his absence was a sudden surprise. I do agree that going overseas was not optimal, but if this is a feather in his professional cap it may not have been entirely his choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

americansteve,

How long have the two of you been married?

How long were you away teaching in Vietnam?

Did she move with you to all your other teaching assignments in the past? Was the one in Vietnam the first time she did not move with you?


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

> From the OP's additional posts, it seems that he was living away from his wife and children... teaching in Vietnam when she had the affair.
> 
> It's hard to keep a love relationship going when a couple lives apart for a long time.


But not impossible, I knew plenty of sailors and marines that kept marriages alive during WestPac deployments and overseas postings. I guess that part of it was the maturity of the individuals...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

americansteve said:


> Long story short - I discovered that my wife had an affair about 3 years ago while I was teaching overseas. I discovered this in June, 2015 and I let me principal know that I wouldn't be returning for the 2016/2017 school year in October, 2015. I quickly found what I consider to be a dream job in Costa Rica for next school year. My wife could hardly object and things were going fine, I stopped obsessing about her affair but then boom - she gets pregnant!
> 
> We already have two young girls (6 and 8) so yes, it would be really hard for her if I go.
> 
> ...


Leave.

You are not her slave.
Chances are you are merely an income tool for her and her daughters, soon enough they will leave, she will dump you because if she truly gave a damn about _you_ then she would consider how important this opportunity is for you. 
But no, she is only concerned about her status and about her friends (afterall she has a convenient ATM to pay for her lifestyle, so why should she care).

That she is threatening to kill your unborn child if you go is proof of those priorities.

You currently have two older kids because that is her wifely duty and qualifies her for the "mum club" (with usual entitlements), you are merely the socially accepted tool for funding their lifestyle; which is why if you leave she will terminate the child without a concern (and balme it on you).
"You" don't count in her world; only her, her lifestyle, and her culturally appointed role exist for her.

You deserve someone who cares about you, not someone that is just using you. And you know you're being used, which is why you're asking on TAM, rather than accepting the social role you're being told.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Leave.
> 
> *You deserve someone who cares about you,* not someone that is just using you. And you know you're being used, which is why you're asking on TAM, rather than accepting the social role you're being told.


Absolutely, and so does his wife!


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

I appreciate all the feedback. It's very helpful even from those who don't agree that I should leave a pregnant wife and two kids. 
@**********



> You said it was going well since D-Day in your first post.


It was initially an unrelenting nightmare and then I made the decision to go back overseas, resigned my post here for the 2016/2017 school year and got a job in Costa Rica. From that point on, things were getting better and better. She got pregnant and now this confusion of staying or going and I'm sort of in a tailspin - but I am going.



> Is she/has she been a truly remorseful spouse? Did you find out or did she confess? Do you think she would have left you if OM was a married serial cheater with a crime record? Sheesh! Whether she's a remorseful spouse is what I'm trying to get at - which is critical Costa Rica or not.


Remorseful? Not in the least - she never apologized, she doesn't even call it an affair. She calls it a mistake. She didn't confess - I just stumbled on text messages two years after the fact. We still argue over semantics. I asked her if he wasn't an affair partner than what was he? She says it was just sex.



> Her career is a big factor & that is very tough on a trailing spouse as a poster mentioned. Did she get the job AFTER you guys decided to go to CR?


I probably wasn't clear but she was never going to go to Costa Rica. The plan was, I go and she stays here. She is a nurse and has been working in a retirement home since graduating but she got an excellent job at a VA hospital. The VA job starts Monday, Apr 18th. The issue for her is, if I go then how can she handle two little girls, a new born and a job that she really wants. My position is - that's really your problem and you should have thought of that before having an affair. 



> I'll bet there IS more to your story & I posted because I think you have got a bit of a rough ride on here. Not enough constructive discussion.


Thank you ********** and I do appreciate your input.
@EleGirl



> He wants to leave and go live abroad because that's what he does... he moves from country to country and sometimes leaves his wife and kids behind while he does that.
> 
> My understanding is that he'd be going to Costa Rica or some other country to teach whether she had an affair or not.


That is what I do, I'm an international school teacher and I really love doing that. However, for the sake of family and because my wife was in nursing school and needed me here, I returned to the States and got a job locally, teaching on-line. I then discovered the affair and decided to go back overseas.
@spotthedeaddog



> Leave.
> 
> You are not her slave.
> Chances are you are merely an income tool for her and her daughters, soon enough they will leave, she will dump you because if she truly gave a damn about _you_ then she would consider how important this opportunity is for you.


Thank you for that! And yes, its not just Costa Rica, its a top notch school with branches all over the world. I could spend the rest of my career going from country to country while just teaching for this net-work of schools. 
@WhyMe66



> I knew plenty of sailors and marines that kept marriages alive during WestPac deployments and overseas postings. I guess that part of it was the maturity of the individuals...


And thank you WhyMe! I said something similar in reply to an earlier poster who thought long distance marriages are impossible. Military personnel do it all the time. Plus I get 10 weeks over the summer and at this school, I get 4 weeks winter break.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

americansteve said:


> Remorseful? Not in the least - she never apologized, she doesn't even call it an affair. She calls it a mistake. She didn't confess - I just stumbled on text messages two years after the fact. We still argue over semantics. I asked her if he wasn't an affair partner than what was he? She says it was just sex.


You were never in real Reconciliation. She has done nothing to rebuild the trust or to assure you why she is with you now. This is why you are still in such bad shape about it. You both need a lot of therapy to get through this with a happy healthy marriage.

Given her attitude, I would divorce her regardless if she were pregnant with my child. I expect she will have affairs into the future, and she'll bail out of the marriage whenever she can find a better arrangement. Jmho.



americansteve said:


> That is what I do, I'm an international school teacher and I really love doing that. However, for the sake of family and because my wife was in nursing school and needed me here, I returned to the States and got a job locally, teaching on-line. I then discovered the affair and decided to go back overseas.


It sounds like you are running away. That's fine, you're also running towards something you know and love. The problem is you're also running away from your children. You are going to become a stranger to them by living in another country.



americansteve said:


> Thank you for that! And yes, its not just Costa Rica, its a top notch school with branches all over the world. I could spend the rest of my career going from country to country while just teaching for this net-work of schools.
> .
> .
> .
> And thank you WhyMe! I said something similar in reply to an earlier poster who thought long distance marriages are impossible. Military personnel do it all the time. Plus I get 10 weeks over the summer and at this school, I get 4 weeks winter break.


Sorry, but that just isn't enough time together to keep a marriage or family functional. With the military it is a known deployment with the hope and belief it is for a specified time and then the family will be back together permanently. Divorces are common when there are repeated deployments or remote assignments where the family is not permitted to come along.

Your career lifestyle just doesn't match having a family _unless the family is willfully living with you_.

Imho your marriage is toast no matter what at this point. So really it comes down to what are your priorities with your kids vs your job. I think you should talk to a divorce atty asap so that you understand how all the complications play into your future divorce. What happens with custody, child support, alimony? Can your wife take the kids out of the country? How does you being out of the country affect things? What if she files after you move away?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

americansteve said:


> Long story short - I discovered that my wife had an affair about 3 years ago while I was teaching overseas. I discovered this in June, 2015 and I let me principal know that I wouldn't be returning for the 2016/2017 school year in October, 2015. I quickly found what I consider to be a dream job in Costa Rica for next school year. My wife could hardly object and things were going fine, I stopped obsessing about her affair but then boom - she gets pregnant!
> 
> We already have two young girls (6 and 8) so yes, it would be really hard for her if I go.
> 
> ...


why would you give up all of your assets and future pay to a woman who cheated on you and is quick to want to divorce you ? I know I am late to the thread but you deserve most of everything not her. 

Don't let your depression get in the way of standing up for yourself...


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It does sound like this isn't a real marriage in any meaningful way. Go do your teaching, file for divorce, and send her money as needed.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Oh brother, what a mess. Sounds like you have several things to sort out. I would start with proper reconciliation of the A. Place filled-out D papers in front of her and ask your prepared questions: how did this start, who crossed the line first, was protection used, no contact letter, etc. You must resolve this issue before you tackle the other concerns.
I had an A (mostly EA) with a married lady whose husband left to go teach overseas. She told me they were separated, pending divorce. She told me he was cruel and abusive. She told me they hadn't had sex in years. Turns out these were all lies after I finally spoke with him directly. Good chance your W did the same thing.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Regarding comparisons with military families - I assume (don't actually know) that military spouses have a built in support network among themselves. It's got to be much easier when you've got a whole group dealing with the same issue.

I would expect an international teachers family wouldn't have that support network. Therefore I would caution against judging the maturity or resolve of a WS in a non-military family.

Just my metaling in an area I know nothing about


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@MAJDEATH



> Place filled-out D papers in front of her and ask your prepared questions: how did this start, who crossed the line first, was protection used, no contact letter, etc.


She answered these questions but I honestly don't believe a word she says. I certainly don't buy her time-line; it's just way too tight but she's sticking with it. I even let her know how angry I was that some strange man had slept in my bed - why not just get a hotel room? That's incredibly disrespectful! She said and with a straight face: "We never had sex in the bed; we only had sex in the living room." 

Every step of the way, she has only admitted to exactly what I could prove and not anything more. What are the odds of that?

As far as protection, they didn't use it. That was clear from the texts that I found. She told this guy in a text she thought she might be pregnant and what he thought about having another kid and he said:

"Honestly, I don't want any kids but I guess that's the risk you take when you you go bare back."

The thing is, after our second child, refused to have sex unless I used a condom but for this guy, unprotected sex was no problem. After D-Day I made some demands regarding sex and one was, I refused to use a condom. Now she's pregnant and I'm off to Costa Rica in August. That baby in her belly is like a chicken coming home to roost.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If she won't travel with you on this assignment I don't know what if anything there is to save here. And I certainly wouldn't be sending her all of my money. She'll likely be spending it on the next POSOM.

I mean honestly, she's shown herself to be extremely trustworthy so far, she might very well just right off into the Chinese sunset with all of your money and your kids.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Tron



> If she won't travel with you on this assignment I don't know what if anything there is to save here. And I certainly wouldn't be sending her all of my money. She'll likely be spending it on the next POSOM.


So as far as consensus, you vote that I should go even if she refuses to go with me? I'm actually keeping a tally on this. I'm asking on TAM, SI (up till I got banned!) LoveShack and CL.

As far as sending her all my money, I was overstating that and besides, as a teacher, there really isn't a whole lot of money anyway. Just as a side, people tend to think I'm generous but I've always wondered if I'd be so generous if I had tons and tons of money. It just might be that its easier for a poor man than a rich man to be generous.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say you're taking votes, so here is mine:

I would stay and be with the children. You've made the decision to bring children into the world. Now be responsible and stick around to raise them. Period. Make this decision completely independently of the outrages committed by their mother.

Find a teaching job that will keep you home. Is that so hard?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> Find a teaching job that will keep you home. Is that so hard?


Finding a teaching job in America is easy - especially if you teach math and physics. Dealing with the type of student that shows up in the typical American classroom is a nightmare!

Anyway if I were to stay (and I'm not!) I sure as hell wouldn't work; I'd sit my ass on the couch and be a SAHD and let her work, clean, cook, everything. Either way, her life gets harder and my life gets easier.

I am noticing one thing: women tend to "you should stay" and men tend to "you should go" but on the whole, the vote seems to be "stay for the kids" which I find mind-boggling.

I made it clear that she is welcome to come?
Did I make that clear?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you're tallying votes, mine is for divorce and find a job in the same town where your kids are. And a vote to paternity test the baby and the other kids.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

My vote:

Divorce immediately
Go to Costa Rica.

Good lord. She screws another man in your home and in your bed
and does not bother to use protection and gets pregnant
but forces you to wear condoms. She did not care that she
put your health at risk for STD's.

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so passive and
accepting as you have been.

She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ok here's my vote: you are both incredibly selfish. So much so that you probably don't even recognize it or understand what a "normal" relationship is. I'm including your relationship with your kids.

I'm of a different generation, I guess. It's amazing to me how you could even have the thoughts you do, but that's a function of an inability to connect with others I suppose.

What you don't realize is that the decisions you are making have life-long implications. People who pursue their own happiness - to the exclusion of others - are rarely happy later in life when they realize they are essentially alone on the world. For now it looks like independence and freedom; later the same thing is isolation and loneliness.

BTW I am in no way saying the objective of relationships is to avoid being alone; I'm saying a lack of them equals isolation.

So here is exactly what I mean: you are completely selfish because it's all about you, your desire to travel, your lack of regard for your wife, your lack of regard for raising your children, your lack of regard for getting pregnant, your "need" to fvck her bareback because some other a55hole did, your inability to take criticism here, your need to take a poll to even know the OBVIOUS right decision to make.

Your wife is completely selfish because she used sex to try to trap her next mate, she doesn't care emotionally about you, she sees no problem with disrespecting you in your own house, SHE WOULD KILL HER OWN CHILD IF SHE CANT HAVE YOUR MONEY AND COMFORT (I thoroughly believe she would).

Both of you "adults" are immediately claiming to be the victim and are punishing those around you to get your selfish needs met.

Meanwhile your kids are royally fvcked.

That's my vote.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I mirror alte dame. 

My priorities have always been dad to my kids and husband to my wife. If you can't convince your W to go with you to Costa Rica on the assignment then I would find an alternate job where my kids were. 

As for the marriage, the description of your W doesn't give me the warm and fuzzies. And what is it around here with Asian brides? She appears to be a rug-sweeper deluxe, she doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her bad behavior and doesn't want to help you heal. 

She sounds pretty heartless and just may not be worth keeping. 

I am not sure keeping a vote tally and basing your decision on that is the way to lead your life. You need to do what you think is best for you and your kids. You brought them into this world and have an obligation to them that goes beyond finances. The world is littered with broken people who didn't have the benefit of 2 involved and loving parents. Every study I know of has shown that those kids are at a significant disadvantage and have significantly more emotional problems than those with 2 active parents. 

I hope this helps.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound so selfish and immature to me. I know what American students are like. I am a linguist and I teach kids who are learning-challenged. All sorts of students. Students with brain damage; students with ADHD; students with Aspergers; highly gifted students.

They are the opposite of spoiled.

Sadly, OP, you are the one who sounds spoiled. You very seriously do. I would say that you need to take the time to grow up, but you've already brought children into the world, so your time is up.

You say that she knew the drill going in. So what? Life changes. Perhaps you will never care what kind of cr*p environment you provided your children and they will eventually believe that they were better off without you in their lives. Perhaps, but it's a sh!tty thing to do to kids.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> You sound so selfish and immature to me. I know what American students are like. I am a linguist and I teach kids who are learning-challenged. All sorts of students. Students with brain damage; students with ADHD; students with Aspergers; highly gifted students.


And you think this proves what, American students are easy to teach? You know a comment like this really makes me wonder about you AltDame. American students are notoriously among some of the worst students in the world. Its what drove me overseas to begin with. The only positive comment I can make about American students is that Egyptian students are worse.

I'm taking your vote off the tally!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

americansteve said:


> You know a comment like this really makes me wonder about you AltDame. American students are notoriously among some of the worst students in the world. Its what drove me overseas to begin with. The only positive comment I can make about American students is that Egyptian students are worse.


Generalize much?

And yet somehow, we have some of the greatest universities on the planet. It must be all the foreign students. :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:

It's comments like these that really makes me wonder about you Steve.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Since you appear to have missed the point, the issue is YOUR CHILDREN, not what you think of students around the world.

Given what you've written, it's a blessing that American students are spared your brand of entitlement. Your poor children are not so lucky.

And now, you're bringing yet another kid into the world because you couldn't stand to use BC knowing that her posom went 'bareback.'

And you posture about the 'quality' of students in the US. Look in the mirror.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

americansteve said:


> Anyway if I were to stay (and I'm not!) I sure as hell wouldn't work; I'd sit my ass on the couch and be a SAHD and let her work, clean, cook, everything. Either way, her life gets harder and my life gets easier.


What does this say about you as a man?

I honestly don't know what to do with this.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

americansteve said:


> @MAJDEATH
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Without actual divorce papers filled out and sitting in front of her, she can make up whatever story she wants you to believe. But with papers filed for a legal separation or D, now the issue of paternity, child support for you or the OM, alimony, etc comes into play. She can't deny that and she can tell you or a judge the truth.
The reason OM is not concerned is because players frequently target married women. Eventually they have to leave and if they get pregnant, the law (by default) assigns any child legally to the husband.
Did you get an STD test?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If you're tallying votes here's mine. I think you should go to Costa Rica, far far from your children. In fact I think that might not be far enough.


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## funengineer (Jan 20, 2016)

Leave and live happy and look after your kids one way or the other. I'm not sure how would you ***** after the other man. she is chines? have you told her parents? 
how did she meet the man anyway and was he from her country?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@funengineer



> Leave and live happy and look after your kids one way or the other. I'm not sure how would you ***** after the other man. she is chines? have you told her parents?
> how did she meet the man anyway and was he from her country?


Thank you funengineer! I sure couldn't be happy here sacrificing myself on the alter of my children. I just don't do well as a victim. 

I definitely will take care of my children and my WW is more than welcome to join me in CR; in fact if she did that, I think I could honestly work on a real R. Staying here, no way!

I've told everyone except her parents. They are still in Chong Qing China and we don't ever speak on wechat or anything. They adore their daughter - she's what's known as a "Little Empress" - so I'm sure somehow they'd just blame me

She met the POSOM at the gym we both went to. I'm sure this scumbag must have seen me and sized me up and the whole time, I was clueless. 
@MAJDEATH

I had a complete physical done a few weeks back and I told the doctor about the affair and had a complete screen done and it's all clear. The guys wife told me he is a serial cheater so I guess I'm lucky.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Americansteve are you Asian? 

Reason I ask is because the Chinese culture is so far removed from American culture in just about everything. I always thought the Chinese were puritanical, but all the evidence I have seen over the years leads me to believe that Chinese women have an unbelievable level of entitlement. 

Is adultery tolerated in her culture?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@bandit.45



> Americansteve are you Asian?
> 
> Reason I ask is because the Chinese culture is so far removed from American culture in just about everything. I always thought the Chinese were puritanical, but all the evidence I have seen over the years leads me to believe that Chinese women have an unbelievable level of entitlement.
> 
> Is adultery tolerated in her culture?


I'm Italian-American.

Chinese are outwardly very conservative but the men certainly fool around. I've lived and worked in Taiwan, HK and Mainland and in all three countries, the idea of a "Little Wife" seems to be accepted. If you can afford a mistress then no one will hold it against you. prostitution is rampant and right out on the street. It wasn't the China I ever imagined in that respect. 

The city girls are definitely spoiled rotten because of the one-child policy. My in-laws invested heavily in my wife's education, her English was excellent when we met, they bought her an apartment after we married, her uncle sent her $18,000 toward a down payment on our house in the States. So yes, I'd say my wife feels that she is entitled. She is also a very protective mom and very affectionate toward our daughters; she spoils them rotten just like she was! Don't get me wrong - she's an incredible mom!

On the other hand, country girls seem to have the weight of the world on their shoulders and I don't seem any sense of entitlement in them. The one-child policy is relaxed for country folk and since they seem dirt poor to boot, I'm guessing a country girl's life in China is really hard

All in all, I loved China and the Chinese were always kind to me. Mainland Chinese in particular seem to want to have good relations with Americans. I would return to China to work in a heart-beat but I'm done with Chinese wives.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Hey Steve,

Caught this on another thread and felt like I had to comment, but didn't want to thread jack.



americansteve said:


> Its worse than that in my opinion: when a guy does decide to act for himself and himself alone, albeit in a very selfish way, he's accused of not being a man, immature or worse.
> 
> I think the OP should join me in Costa Rica for a few months; there's no need for a divorce. Let his cheating ass wife deal with the kids while we live the Pura Vida on a beach. No doubt the same posters telling him to man-up would then tell him to get back home and tend to his kiddos.
> 
> You just can't win being a BS and a male in America!


I won't argue that in many ways it doesn't pay to be a male in America, at least not in divorce court. In an effort to save every single mother out there the government has overcompensated and swung the pendulum in the complete opposite direction. 

But the thing about this comment that rubs me the wrong way is that when you are a parent you can't ever act for yourself alone again. I'm not saying you can't take off some time here and there to recharge your batteries.

But what you are proposing to do by running off to CR is to essentially abandon your kids for 9 months or longer as some kind of payback against your W. The problem is that while your W's life is going to get more complicated and hectic, the kids really ultimately pay the price in the end by not having their dad around. And they are innocent. 

There isn't anything "manly" about abandoning your kids or making innocent children pay the price for your selfishness.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Tron



> I won't argue that in many ways it doesn't pay to be a male in America, at least not in divorce court. In an effort to save every single mother out there the government has overcompensated and swung the pendulum in the complete opposite direction.
> 
> But the thing about this comment that rubs me the wrong way is that when you are a parent you can't ever act for yourself alone again. I'm not saying you can't take off some time here and there to recharge your batteries.
> 
> ...


It's hard on any BS in America because of the no-fault divorce laws. I was amazed that in a divorce, the judge wouldn't even hear about the affair. In fact, in Indiana, if I was to name her AP in court, I would be charged with a misdemeanor and have to pay a $500 fine. 

Anyway, I asked her to come with me and we could try a real R in Costa Rica but she said no way, she just got her dream job as a nurse in a VA hospital. Do you get that? She has an affair and at the end of the day, you are advising me to give up my dream job so she can have her dream job and all for the sake of the kids. That logic just isn't adding up for me.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Assume the affair didn't happen. Difficult I know, but bear with me. 

The plan all along was for you to go to Costa Rica on your own.
She was to stay behind with your kids & progress her career as she got a very good job. 
Then she got pregnant and the only way to minimise the effect on her career was for you to stay in the US. That's apart from the work involved with a new baby & 2 small children. 

*What I'm trying to say is, even if the affair didn't happen, it sounds like you guys would be having this argument anyway. *

If she didn't have the affair, would you have changed your mind & stayed because of the baby being on the way?

Or would you have still gone to Costa Rica? 

If you would still have gone to Costa Rica whether she had the affair or not, the only difference I see in your situation is that you will go there as a divorced man rather than a married one.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

americansteve said:


> @Tron
> 
> Anyway, I asked her to come with me and we could try a real R in Costa Rica but she said no way, she just got her dream job as a nurse in a VA hospital. Do you get that? She has an affair and at the end of the day, you are advising me to give up my dream job so she can have her dream job and all for the sake of the kids. That logic just isn't adding up for me.


Your 'dream job' would appear to change every year or two...

Unless the whole family is committed to travelling the world together your chosen career seems to be better suited for a bachelor or a young couple without children. 

La Pura Vida sería una vida excitante para un solo hombre. That's not you anymore but I suppose it could be. Sorry your W changed the program on you without your consent. 

So my comments about this really have nothing to do with her at all. She sounds like a pretty sorry excuse for a wife anyway and deserves to be $hitcanned. 

Have you talked to a lawyer in your jurisdiction about the consequences of fulfilling this contract and the impact it might have on a divorce, child support and alimony? 

Whatever you do though I'd advise not to file for divorce until after she gets her job and the money starts rolling in. Hell, if it pays real well you might be entitled to some alimony after it's all said and done.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@[B]86857[/B]



> The plan all along was for you to go to Costa Rica on your own.
> She was to stay behind with your kids & progress her career as she got a very good job.
> Then she got pregnant and the only way to minimise the effect on her career was for you to stay in the US. That's apart from the work involved with a new baby & 2 small children.


That's not how it happened.

This is how it happened.

I returned to the States to help her while she was in nursing school and the idea was that, at some point in time, I would go back overseas. There was no definite date in mind and I definitely wasn't planning to go overseas for the 2016/2017 school year but it was understood that I would be returning to overseas at some future date. Then I discovered the affair during the summer (I don't have a definite D-Day but it was a summer discovery) and in October, probably after a particularly difficult and sleepless night, I very impulsively resigned my position, effective at the end of the current (2015/2016) school year and asked my principal for a reference. Then I got the job in Costa Rica and at a school that I had applied to several times in the past. Its actually a network of IB schools, very prestigious and with opportunities to travel within the network to many different countries - including Norway which would be a real dream destination for me. In the world of International School Teaching, a job in Norway is a pretty good deal.

Anyway, to answer your question: yes, I was planning to return overseas eventually but the affair just moved up the departure date.

One other point in my defense: I also offered to bring my two daughters so that she would only have the newborn to deal with but she said no way. I wasn't surprised by that; I can't imagine her ever letting go of those two.

I will admit to one major stupidity - the whole condom thing. Yes, I admit that I was an idiot for refusing to wear condoms just because she didn't make her POSOM use condoms. That was really stupid and I regret it every day but it won't stop me from going though.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Tron



> Your 'dream job' would appear to change every year or two...


I won't deny it and that's a big pint on my wife's side. But international schools usually only sign two year contracts so it's not unusual for teachers to change jobs every two years. Most will stay for a third year to for resume purposes but it's fair play to leave after two years. 

Its the travel that really hooked me. It's addictive!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

So, had she not had the affair, you were going to be in the US for ~2 years & then go overseas again. The pregnancy wouldn't have mattered as such as you'd both be in the US. 

Would you consider divorcing her but staying in the US for a couple of years for your kids' sake, especially as baby is on the way? I agree that staying married for the kids' sake is a bad idea. 

Doesn't sound as if you will. You probably see this as a way for WS to make up the affair to you, i.e. give up her dream job & move with you to CR for your dream job & try R as you suggested to her. If she decided to come, are you still open to R? Can't she get a job in Costa Rica? Interestingly, Costa Rica's medical system has a great reputation. It's the number 1 medical system in Latin America & is ranked amongst the top 20 in the world, according to my friends who are moving there. 

Has she said any more about the abortion since the impression I get is that you have decided to go.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Talking about American students…..

My husband and I both went to the local city school. I graduated in 1996 and he graduated in 2002. Back in my day, it was pretty rough. By the time he got there it was worse still. These days it’s pretty awful. Inner city kids, no discipline, no understanding of right and wrong, don’t want to study, they get in fights, they do inappropriate things. There’s always something in the newspaper about the kids from this school.

My husband is a wide receiver and defensive back coach for their football team and a Varsity assistant baseball coach for this school. He is not a teacher there and he is not affiliated with the school in any other way. The stories that I could tell you about these kids would break your heart. And THESE are the kids who at least have a good enough GPA and stay out of enough trouble to play sports. I hear story after story about these kids. Their parents leave them for weeks at a time and they don’t hear from them. They can’t even get ahold of them and usually don’t even know where they are. If they know where they are, they generally know they are out doing drugs somewhere. They’ll leave them for weeks with no food, no money, no way to get to school or practice, etc. They don’t come to games, they don’t take them to practice. They don’t make sure their homework is done, they don’t care if they’re eligible or ineligible. They don’t care if they’re raising them into good people. I can’t tell you how much money we’ve spent out of our pockets to buy these kids food, mouth guards, socks, shoes, etc. plus running them to and from practice and games. 

So are you getting what I’m saying? American students are among the hardest to teach – BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS AREN’T INVOLVED. Because their parents take off and leave them and could give a sh*t about being around to RAISE them. 

So in my honest opinion, your wife cheating having nothing to do with this, if you leave – you are setting your own children up for the same future of the kids that you are complaining about. 

You don’t want to be with your wife? Don’t be with your wife. But you sure as hell owe your kids better than what you are yourself complaining about.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@LosingHim



> So in my honest opinion, your wife cheating having nothing to do with this, if you leave – you are setting your own children up for the same future of the kids that you are complaining about.


I taught in an inner city school in Arkansas many many years ago so I know and have dealt with the kind of student you are describing. Trust me - it's harder to deal with them in a math class than out on the football field. Student behavior in America is literally what drove me overseas. Ironically, going overseas was the best move I ever made but that's a whole 'nother story.

I also got to know some of the parents that you are describing and comparing them to my wife is a false comparison. My wife is a [email protected] sucking cheat and a liar with horrible judgement but I have never seen a woman (including my own mom) as invested in their children as she is. I'm not leaving my daughters with the kind of parent that you are describing. She doesn't drink, do drunks or neglect her kids. As long as my wife has the financial resources she needs at her disposal, my kids will be fine. 

Will it be hard? O yeah! I honestly don't know how she'll be able to manage 2 little girls, an infant and her "dream job" but hey - she should have thought about that before she started scking some POSOM d!ck. Maybe she'll just have to give up the dream job. Fck her on that!

This might sound crazy, but what worries me the most is that the stairs freeze over to our house and she slips while carrying the new born and breaks her bloody neck.

One other thing, *studies have shown* that kids prosper just fine so long as they have at least one person in their life to care for them and there are resources available to 
that one person.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@americansteve, I deleted my other post & have rewritten it here as my previous one sounded so confused, probably because I'm confused myself about the timeline. Anyway hope what I have written is a bit clearer. 

You were in Vietnam, right? Initially it seemed like the family were there but then said you were there on your own. So you came back to the US in the summer & as you said the plan was to stay so your wife could complete her nursing studies. And it was agreed you would go overseas again, but after the 2016-17 school year. Hadn't you at that point resigned your Vietnam job, since you were going to be in the US for a couple of years? 

But then, as you said you discovered the PA in the summer. And then impetuously resigned your position in Vietnam in Oct 2015 effective end of 2015-16 school year. So you resigned twice? So did you go back to Vietnam after summer & finding the A? Meaning they took you back though you would have already resigned & told them you were spending a couple of years in the US. I had that happen once. I resigned but didn't like my new job & the company gave me my old job back!

I'm assuming they gave you your job back & you went back to Vietnam after the summer & finding the A. And then resigned again in Oct 2015 effective end of 2015/16 school year? So are you still in Vietnam now working out your resignation? Or are you not working out your resignation and came back to the US? Would be hard financially though. Unless they have a short school year in Vietnam. Or are you back in the US for a winter break as Vietnam is in the Southern Hemisphere. 

I feel you are going to go to Costa Rica & then maybe Norway as you said you might be able to get transferred to Norway from the Costa Rica position. I'm assuming a lot of people speak English in Vietnam, Costa Rica & Norway as it would be hard being based somewhere most people can't speak English. That part would be very hard on your WS & girls if she changed her mind & decided to keep travelling with you and it doesn't sound like she will anyway. 

When does the 2016-17 school year start in Costa Rica? Wouldn't it have started by now? I guess you must be starting there in the 2nd semester or something. Or maybe it's the same as Vietnam & they have a short school year. I don't know anything about school years in those countries. 

It sounds like a tour of the globe, US, Vietnam, Costa Rica, Norway. I envy you! 

Anyway, I hope you're in the US because as seen on TAM, OMs often come back. Though with her being pregnant it would certainly put him off. Can't say I blame you if you are back, to keep an eye on WS. 

So assuming you're back in the US I hope WS has started her new job. I guess she must have finished her studies early & done an intensive or something as you were supposed to stay for a year or two while she finished. All I know about Chinese people is that they study way more than students of other nationalities as I went to university with some. 

If she has started her new job, she'll find it tough though as women are exhausted for the first trimester & there's morning sickness etc as I'm sure you're remember from when you had your girls. How far is the pregnancy along?

Sorry, I must be having a brain fog today.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

dude take me with you! I would love to travel the world!


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I in no way compared your wife to the parents that I was speaking of, nor did I compare teaching them to coaching them on the field. It seems that you may have missed my point entirely.

My point was, you will be abandoning those children. They are YOURS. Your wife may be Mother Teresa as a parent. Doesn’t matter. My point is, that your child could very well grow up feeling abandoned by you and have many questions as to why. You are deleting their father figure, you are removing their male guidance. I don’t know if you have boys or girls or both, but if you have a boy – do you really think your wife is fully capable of raising a boy as a MAN should? Yes, there are many single moms who do it every day. But that doesn’t mean it’s the BEST way. How will your daughters learn how a man should respect her? There are SO many repurcussions to removing a father figure from their lives.

My dad left my mom when she was pregnant with my sister. He came back when my sister was 2 and my parents have now been married close to 40 years. My sister is 45 and STILL has issues with the fact that my father abandoned her for 2 years. Even though she was too young to remember it and even though my dad is and always has been an amazing dad. My mom left my brothers dad when my brother was just an infant. We lived in Ohio and my brothers dad lived in Washington DC. He spoke to his dad all the time, visited him, still talks to him to this day. My brother is 48 and STILL has issues with the fact that he didn’t get to grow up with more one on one interaction with his biological dad (my dad adopted him when he and my mom got married). 

I don’t care what studies show. Data can be skewed in any number of ways. Each individual child is different. You have absolutely NO idea how your move will affect them down the line. 

Please understand, I’ve been a selfish person at times in my life. So I’m not trying to bash you, but your only motivation seems to be YOU. Punishing your wife and letting the kids take the fallout.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> dude take me with you! I would love to travel the world!


Sure - I just happen to need a travelling partner.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@LosingHim



> My point was, you will be abandoning those children. They are YOURS. Your wife may be Mother Teresa as a parent. Doesn’t matter. My point is, that your child could very well grow up feeling abandoned by you and have many questions as to why. You are deleting their father figure, you are removing their male guidance. I don’t know if you have boys or girls or both, but if you have a boy – do you really think your wife is fully capable of raising a boy as a MAN should? Yes, there are many single moms who do it every day. But that doesn’t mean it’s the BEST way. How will your daughters learn how a man should respect her? There are SO many repurcussions to removing a father figure from their lives.


My wife is welcome to join me but has decided not to so I'm not abandoning anyone. She wants what she wants and I want what I want but there is a difference. What she wants depends on me staying with her here, in Indiana. What I want only depends on me.

Did you know that there is a higher incidence of depression among Hoosiers than compared to a national average? Somehow that doesn't really surprise. Costa Rica on the other hand ... I bet it must be so sweet there!

You know what I'm hoping: I go to Costa Rica and her life becomes so unbearably hard that she just gives up and joins me. There is a possible happy ending to this but me sacrificing myself for the sake of the kids and ending up bitter and resentful because that's what would happen - no good would come of that.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

So you DO want to stay with her?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I think he's going to Costa Rica with @ne9907 actually


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> So you DO want to stay with her?


You know that's a tough question - I hate her and I love her kind of situation. I know for sure there is no way a real R could happen here. In addition to the raw feelings surrounding the affair, I'd also be forever pissed off about not going to Costa Rica. It just wouldn't work here.

But yes, I'd like her to join me in Costa Rica.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

He's intent on placing the blame on his wife for whatever negative repercussions arise from his daughters not having a father to grow up with. He refuses to acknowledge that he is the one that is leaving them behind and that they have no choice in the matter. He and his wife are both selfish and they are using their children as pawns in their sick game. It's disgusting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

americansteve said:


> But yes, I'd like her to join me in Costa Rica.


Why? 

A change of geography isn't going to make her less prone to cheating. 

She is a fvcked-up person with no morals. What is a move to CR going to accomplish? She has to take herself with her wherever she goes.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@bfree



> He's intent on placing the blame on his wife for whatever negative repercussions arise from his daughters not having a father to grow up with. He refuses to acknowledge that he is the one that is leaving them behind and that they have no choice in the matter. He and his wife are both selfish and they are using their children as pawns in their sick game. It's disgusting.


The stench of your indignation precedes you!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

americansteve said:


> @bfree
> 
> 
> 
> The stench of your indignation precedes you!


I was upfront about my feelings from my first post. I also see that you've yet to refute anything I've said. Your children need a father. Your wife has proven to be a moral degenerate. And what are you doing? You're running off to Costa Rica and leaving them in her care. Your wife deserves a divorce. She shouldn't have the privilege of sharing your life. She has earned those punitive measures by her actions. Your children have not. Why should they be punished? And please do not say it's your wife's choice. Stop beating that pathetic drum. So long as you are in the U.S. you have a right to shared custody. You are the one choosing to abdicate your parental responsibilities by leaving. Be a man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

americansteve said:


> @bfree
> 
> The stench of your indignation precedes you!


I fail to see how that phrase fits here.

Either way, he's not wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

An absentee father is basically a sperm donor, nothing more.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

But does going abroad really mean abandoning your children?

There is a great chance he will lose custody but does that make him less of a father.

It wont make him the best father but it certainly wont make him the worst either.

Again seek legal counsel.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@eastsouth2000



> But does going abroad really mean abandoning your children?
> 
> There is a great chance he will lose custody but does that make him less of a father.
> 
> ...


Great comment and very accurate!

First of all abandonment is a legal term and by that definition, in no way, shape or form am I abandoning them. She knows I'm leaving and I'm going to provide support. Second of all, if I were abandoning them, it would be called "constructive abandonment" because she gave me cause to just up and leave.

Abandonment isn't the worst thing I've been called: "not a man" seems to be a favorite; "sperm donor" is another. I guess that means a Marine being sent to Iraq or Afghanistan is likewise "not a man" or just a "sperm donor" for putting his country before his wife and kids. A poster on ChumpLady actually compared me to Hitler for planning to leave my pregnant wife.

True, I won't be winning any father of the year award anytime soon but that's about as far as I'd go in terms of criticizing my decision to leave, especially since my wife and kids are more than welcome to leave with me. But most of these criticisms are over the top and show a lack of balance or some kind of Christian based agenda.

IMHO, it's plain old fashioned holier than thou moralizing.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

americansteve said:


> @eastsouth2000
> 
> 
> 
> ...


OP you are managing your expectations on your children reaching their full potential by statistical analysis.

FVCKING AWESOME

55


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> WHY are you giving up the idea of the Costa Rica job? If you were willing to divorce her at her request earlier, what has changed now? Take the job, and let things play out accordingly.


This. It is that simple. Your WW screwed the pooch, literally and is still trying to control you.

She doesn't love you. She loves herself and has more than proven it by her affair and her less than stellar remorse afterwards.

Go to Costa.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Have fun in Costa Rica while several d0uchbags bang your wife and raise your kids. If they're girls they'll have major daddy issues and certainly be a "good time" for any boy saying what they want to hear.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

If he provides for his kids, then it's not truly abandoning them. Plus, she is choosing to not go.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

americansteve said:


> @eastsouth2000
> 
> 
> 
> ...


1) This has nothing to do with Christianity.

2) Did you seriously just compared going to war to moving to another country for a teaching job? Not even in the same ballpark, pal. One is selfless and a huge sacrifice with no guarantee of returning; the other is selfish and a great source of happiness with no chance of running into enemy fire or IEDs.

You asked for our opinion but then criticize us for offering it. I don't care if you divorce your wife or not, but you should be there for your children in their formative years. Growing up without a father figure does lasting damage to a child.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Have fun in Costa Rica while several d0uchbags bang your wife and raise your kids. If they're girls they'll have major daddy issues and certainly be a "good time" for any boy saying what they want to hear.


Off your meds again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Americansteve: I am a teacher here in the Canada, where 50/50 is the norm. I might be able to afford a cardboard box under an overpass on half my income. I can't think of a state where teacher's have the comparable pay and benefits to ours, (could be wrong) and teaching overseas is not so lucrative either. The good thing about P.R. (other than impending bankruptcy and the occasional tropical storm) is that you, on half your income, might rent a spot under a tree on the beach. I would like to say "ditch the *****" and keep the kids and go south, but you have a hard choice to make (self evident statement). I know this, you won't get rich teaching and I don't think I could make the choice you must make. Best of luck and I hope that whatever you do, is the right choice for you and your two kids.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

Thanks for all the positive comments and I'm just ignoring the negative comments. Before I got banned on SI, this poster named LongWalk said take the advice that works for you and ignore the rest. 
@Thinkitthrough

Whenyou say P.R. do you mean C.R.? 
I just received an email from the headmaster and she was letting us know about apartments. For $750, you can get beautiful studio apartment 5 minutes from the school and with gym and pool. 

I don't need anything that fancy and both the school head and a teacher there I am in contact with tell me I can find a decent place for $300 per mnth. I'm sure I can live well on $1000/mnth which is just under 1/3 of my salary. I'd send the rest to my wife.

I did tell her I'd give her everything but I've since reconsidered. Indiana has what's called equitable distribution so if she wants to go the divorce route, I'd want about 50%.

Honestly, I think she's just fcking with me. She mentioned adoption and I'm fine with that (just not abortion) so I looked into to it and she got angry. Like I should know she's just fcking with me. Then she says, you take the baby with you and I made phone calls, looked into options and had a real plan. It could work. One upside to Costa Rica is services like child care are cheap. Anyway it was just another mind game she was playing.

The baby comes in November and my mom said she'll come here and help out until I get there in December; I get a month off. Then I finish in May so we are talking about 5 mnths and then its Summer and we can plan for the second year. I just don't want to screw this school over. Its a decent career move for me.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

As: Oops, Puerto Rico and Costa Rica, I'm Canadian an' don't know nuffin about U.S. protectorates. My Bad.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bfree said:


> He's intent on placing the blame on his wife for whatever negative repercussions arise from his daughters not having a father to grow up with. He refuses to acknowledge that he is the one that is leaving them behind and that they have no choice in the matter. He and his wife are both selfish and they are using their children as pawns in their sick game. It's disgusting.


I agree with everything, but not the "pawn" part. She's the one using an unborn child to get him to stay. He's dropping out of their lives which, is not using them as pawns. He's being a crappy father. Still, I prefer a parent cut all ties, I have a nephew who turned out fine, then remain and be a miserable parent screwing up their lives. 

It is sad people are trying to guilt this dude into staying, when he has reiterated how crappy he is going to be if he isn't traveling. 

Oh and that was low TTH, Daddy issues arise from bad parenting in unbroken homes as well.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > Have fun in Costa Rica while several d0uchbags bang your wife and raise your kids. If they're girls they'll have major daddy issues and certainly be a "good time" for any boy saying what they want to hear.
> ...


Sorry I don't understand your attempt at humor by implying that a psychological condition that requires medication might someehow explain away the tendency of girls raised without fathers to seek approval from boys by offering sex.

It's really not very funny when we're talking to the dad that may be unintentionally starting that chain of events.

If you don't believe it's true, you haven't met very many screwed up girls...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do not simply "give money" to your wife. 

Set up a joint bank account separate from the personal account where your salary is deposited.

Make monthly deposits into the new joint account. This way you can keep track of where the money is actually being spent. (hopefully on the kids mainly).

If you ever plan on bringing your kids for a visit - take the $700 apartment and put 50% of your salary into the joint account.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry I don't understand your attempt at humor by implying that a psychological condition that requires medication might someehow explain away the tendency of girls raised without fathers to seek approval from boys by offering sex.
> 
> It's really not very funny when we're talking to the dad that may be unintentionally starting that chain of events.
> 
> If you don't believe it's true, you haven't met very many screwed up girls...


The kids will be more screwed up by having to watch and hear their mother and her parade of SOBs.

AS has offered to have the whole family accompany him and has be soundly rejected by his cheating wife. This is all on her.

I don't understand why you are attacking him unless you are suggesting that he remain with the cheating azz, throw future jobs and earnings out the window, jeopardize the long term future of him and the kids for the sake of a cheater who cares nothing for him or the family.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

My father used this same idea of traveling the world except through the military. My parents divorced - she was holding him back. He moved to Germany and visited exotic locales on assignment. I saw him twice the rest of my life. Mom remarried to a stepfather who hated me.

So tell yourself whatever you want to about punishing your wife for her affair by leaving her with three kids. And that the kids will be fine. They won't be, to one degree or another. And the liklihood of you maintain any real relationship with them is low if not nonexistent. 

How do you explain to a six year old that kids in another country are just more important to daddy than you are?

She threatened to abort the baby if you leave. Do you grasp how serious that is? What exactly is making you imagine then there's no possibility she goes Andrea Yeats if you just do leave her with those three kids?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also if you only wanted affirmation you were making the right choice and ignoring anything else why bother?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Hicks said:


> Togetherness is a basic requirement for marriage.
> As a husband and father, you should not be taking jobs overseas.
> This has caused your marriage to fall apart. I don't condone cheating, but the fact that you take jobs overeseas played a major part in her affair.


nice for those who get the option


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry I don't understand your attempt at humor by implying that a psychological condition that requires medication might someehow explain away the tendency of girls raised without fathers to seek approval from boys by offering sex.
> ...


Why are those the only two options? Why the straw man? Why ignore his kids needs and development and allow them to learn to fvck other guys and not value a committed marriage?

I'm saying this because OP is abandoning his kids with a selfish woman who threatens to kill her unborn child and fvcks other guys, and OP's primary concern is his career and his travels. That's fvcked up.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Unless you are a slave, who doesn't have a choice in their employment? 

There might be no good choices, but there are still choices.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Starstarfish



> My father used this same idea of traveling the world except through the military. My parents divorced - she was holding him back. He moved to Germany and visited exotic locales on assignment. I saw him twice the rest of my life. Mom remarried to a stepfather who hated me.


Why would you only see your father twice for the rest of your life? That makes no sense - just being posted overseas doesn't stop those in the military from seeing family. Anyway, I'm a teacher so i would see them 7 weeks over the summer and probably be able to get them every Christmas. 

You know I went though this 25 years ago with my first wife. Same deal exactly except there was no cheating. We met in Taiwan, traveled together for a few years and she got pregnant with my first son, went back to Taiwan and she had my second son, took her to the States for what was to be just 2 years and she refused to leave. We had a really amicable divorce and I went to Thailand. My sons are 21 and 19, both in university, doing just fine and we have a solid relationship. We spent summers together and Christmases all through high school. When I found out about my wife's affair, I went and stayed with my second son. Me and my sons are tight and they know they are loved. I pay for my second sons apartment and my ex-wife pays for my first sons apartment. I'm very much in my sons lives.

So I just don't know what you are talking about. 
Why would I only see my daughters twice more in my life?

I'll get them summers for 7 weeks and Christmas break.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Why would you only see your father twice for the rest of your life?


Because he re-married and his new wife had no interest in him maintaining contact if it might cost him money in child support. Furthered by his encouragement from his mother that I wasn't worth giving up his dreams for. Or so I've been told. Or he simply didn't care. I've never gotten a straight answer directly from him on the matter. 

My story was simply an example that once a parent is living overseas, the contact is greatly reduced. To what degree, well, obviously YMMV. If you are okay with seeing your kids only twice a year, so be it. 



> We met in Taiwan, traveled together for a few years and she got pregnant with my first son, went back to Taiwan and she had my second son, took her to the States for what was to be just 2 years and she refused to leave.


So ... you already did this once, 25 years ago, and then did it again and are surprised by the results the second time? That evidently even if they are okay with it in the beginning of a relationship, after children, women might kind of rethink the whole moving around to foreign countries every two years thing. 

Why all this hostility towards the second wife when the first one did the same thing not wanting to move and you were okay with it. You divorced, but amiably. It just seems that even before the affair you took a very different "take it or leave it" approach with the second wife you didn't have with the first - why?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Interesting that you've been doing this for a few decades. 

Girls are different. They need their dads. But go on and keep telling yourself that 7 weeks a year with them is going to be enough.

Hell, by the time your mistakes come home to roost, you'll likely have died of old age.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry I don't understand your attempt at humor by implying that a psychological condition that requires medication might someehow explain away the tendency of girls raised without fathers to seek approval from boys by offering sex.
> 
> It's really not very funny when we're talking to the dad that may be unintentionally starting that chain of events.
> 
> If you don't believe it's true, you haven't met very many screwed up girls...


If you think it's just girls raised without fathers who end up seeking male approval through sex, you're a few chicks with daddy issues short of a full collection. I, peronally, know more girls/women who seek male approval and attention through sex that were raised with their fathers than without. 

I think a lot of people place more importance on address than it deserves. Merely living in the same house or nearby doesn't equal quality parenting. Likewise, living a distance away doesn't mean poor parenting.

My dad worked 12-16 hour days, plus commute. He was gone when we woke up for school and came home very shortly before bed. He interacted with us approximately 3-5 hours a week, at best. I love my dad, but the truth is that he could have been just as involved via Skype and texts/calls.

My DH was a truck driver for years. When he was over the road, he was home about 3-9 days a month. His home days didn't typically line up with weekends, so he didn't see the kids much. He did a lot of parenting via cell.

My uncle bought a house in the country for his wife and kids. With the commute to and from work and the extra hours he worked to be able to provide, he was gone all but the 6-9 hours a night he was at home to sleep. If there was something up with the kids, my aunt would text him and he'd reply with his input which would then be passed on to the kids in the form of "Your dad said..."

I could go on,but the point is that I knew growing up and know now as an adult quite a number of fathers in the home or who are divorced and live nearby that actually interact with their children less per year than OP will if he uses video chat, text, calls and 7 weeks per summer plus whatever time he can arrange around Christmas.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Starstarfish



> Why all this hostility towards the second wife when the first one did the same thing not wanting to move and you were okay with it. You divorced, but amiably. It just seems that even before the affair you took a very different "take it or leave it" approach with the second wife you didn't have with the first - why?


My ex-wife never cheated - simple as that. It is the affair that is causing the hostility I have toward wife # 2. The texts I found were way to graphic for me to just forget. But hostility is not why I'm going to Costa Rica. 
@MJJEAN



> I could go on,but the point is that I knew growing up and know now as an adult quite a number of fathers in the home or who are divorced and live nearby that actually interact with their children less per year than OP will if he uses video chat, text, calls and 7 weeks per summer plus whatever time he can arrange around Christmas.


Exactly - I use skype and texts and face book and telephone. I'm always in contact with my kids. I never know 100% what they are up to but what parent ever really knows what their teenage kids are up to.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

americansteve said:


> @Starstarfish
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Because you have more hostility toward wife #2, you can't assume the separation/possible divorce will be as amicable as the first.

As you'll be out of the country, you'll have little power over the kids lives including where they live, where they attend school, medical decisions, when they talk to you and when they can visit you, etc.

If your wife meets another man or for any other reason decides to file for divorce and child support while you're out of the country, you could be royally screwed. She could also randomly decide the kids can't talk to you or that she won't allow them to come visit you in Costa Rica. 

If I were you, I'd seriously consider filing for divorce and getting the details of child contact and visitation stamped and approved before leaving the country.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> My ex-wife never cheated - simple as that.


To be fair, the fist wife didn't cheat that you know of. Whether or not she did, well who can say if you were gone as often on long stretches of time out of the country. 

And hostility might not be the reason you are going, but it seems to be the reason you are dumping the kids on her (and partially your mother) with a "You get what you deserve attitude" as if your children should be something to punish her wife.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> To be fair, the fist wife didn't cheat that you know of. Whether or not she did, well who can say if you were gone as often on long stretches of time out of the country.
> 
> And hostility might not be the reason you are going, but it seems to be the reason you are dumping the kids on her (and partially your mother) with a "You get what you deserve attitude" as if your children should be something to punish her wife.


I think the OP's job as a travelling teacher is getting too much attention and his wife's affair not nearly enough. The bottom line is that she knew what his job entailed when she decided to marry and have children with him. And let's not forget that she is the one who chose not to live with him where he was working.

Even after her having an affair, OP was willing to reconcile provided he could go back to practicing his trade in his usual manner. Considering we're endlessly telling WS's and BS's that the WS should be willing to move Heaven and Earth for reconciliation, shouldn't she be willing to go to Costa Rica for her BH?

I also see some of that "you get what you deserve" attitude, but I don't blame OP for it. The reality is that when you are a mother and you cheat on your children's father, it's likely you'll end up a single mother with all that entails.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I think the OP's job as a travelling teacher is getting too much attention and his wife's affair not nearly enough. The bottom line is that she knew what his job entailed when she decided to marry and have children with him. And let's not forget that she is the one who chose not to live with him where he was working.


We can talk her affair for ever, it doesn't change the basic fact that even if the affair had never happened, this relationship was seemingly at a crux of destruction. It doesn't change the fact that this idea by OP and evidently others is that people are in no way able to change their mind or opinion on some factor of life as it existed when a couple first married. If that's true, how do countless marriages make it through career changes, relocation, and other facts of life?

To me it simply seems that the OP has always wanted the traveling teacher dream to be paramont to having a family or children. He's happy if they come with him, but if they don't he's going anyways. 
He left a previous two children and a wife behind to do so, and feels inclined to do so again. 



> Considering we're endlessly telling WS's and BS's that the WS should be willing to move Heaven and Earth for reconciliation, shouldn't she be willing to go to Costa Rica for her BH?


I'm not telling anyone to move Heaven and Earth for reconciliation. I feel that a relationship that was already likely in some way broken containing two broken people setting up a "you owe me" dynamic for some unending period of time isn't really healthy. That's my opinion, and I know others disagree. 



> The reality is that when you are a mother and you cheat on your children's father, it's likely you'll end up a single mother with all that entails.


Again, what does that mean for the children? Again the focus here is on punishing the mother regardless of what it means for the children. He made the same decision the first time and that wife apparently didn't cheat.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

americansteve,

You are in an emotional state and are not thinking clearly.

Listen, there is NO reconciliation without genuine remorse on the waywards part, and a lot of hard work on her part.

If you think you can do that yourself you are wrong, and it certainly seems that you cannot expect any of this from her.

I doubted the abortion threat when you first posted it, its unlikely she will kill her baby.

Its a bluff.

Go to CR! 

If she stays then she is locked down doing her job and being a mom. Thats a good place for her to be.

Dont divorce her yet, let her out earn you for a few years.

Be careful where you file, some states have alimony.

If you stay with this woman you deserve all the unhappiness she will give you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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