# I am finally done!



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

My saga which began, on vacation, is finally done. See here for the details: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/308186-sting-divorce.html


Since I was the one struggling in my 3 year marriage, it came to me a as surprise how our 3 week vacation to Hawaii turned out! I left, to my best friends (she lives close to where we were staying), after a week of bad/disconnected treatment. He refused conversation or anything else. This was and is the only time, that I left a conflict. What can I say, I tried a week (not nagging, not criticizing, not daily) with a man that refused conversation but began treating me with anger and disconnection. I was done and needed to escape, take a breath. 

Long story-he quickly called and escort, scored meth (2nd relapse in our 3 year marriage), and found a woman to "hang" with and do fun activities. What a husband! 

Once we returned, I knew he was angry and told me, when I left, that this would mean a divorce. At that point, I didn't care. If he couldn't be a partner and talk to me then I had to leave. Mind you, this obviously has been an issue for me. He was always "great. You are the love of my life." etc. I expected that he'd cool down, regret, and calm down (he's reactive yes). 

I believe that he isn't using meth now (could be wrong)...judging from behaviors. I am pretty good at spotting it and the things that he does. I had joint access to account; phone records. He is drinking through. 

He's living at his mothers....since we got back from vacation. I had limited contact except to get his "stuff." Which ended up a month long saga of trips. Now done. He's vacillated between anger and sadness via text and few phone calls. No responsibility taken on his part. However, I can tell he regrets how it turned out. He's full of shame. 
"
After all of this, I was willing to work (if possible) on the relationship. I know...why? Many reasons that you might guess but it would have been WORK. I told him, unless you are 100% invested....don't bother. "

Several days ago, he asked for concert tickets in which we purchased prior to our vacation. I called him. Asked him where his head is regarding the divorce, he's filed (Dec 11). He said he was following through with the divorce and waiting on a court date. I know that he hasn't turned in my divorce waiver (that I signed) per the county website. That is why I asked. Then, I told him that I was looking forward to the concert. He said "ok. I will figure something else out." I was surprised that he didn't get angry as his "stuff" is important down to the penny. 

He then began to get angry after we hung up. Texting "did I pay for the tickets. I think I did." etc. I didn't answer those questions but I did say "Leave me alone. I don't have anything to say to you. Just leave me alone." He later texted "I am sorry I upset you. Can I have the dog for a few days?" No response from me. 

THAT was it! Same crap. Selfish man. I knew I had NO HOPE to reconciliation. I know..it's weird how your breaking point can be so simple. But, I had hope with the mixed messages. I know that I am long suffering which can be a good vs bad thing.

NOW...I DO NOT WANT HIM! I hold no hope. I wish to never see him again. 

Then, hours later...I learn that he's on match.com (via credit card payment) but his profile is hidden. He registered when he got back from vacation and still angry.

Then, the next day...I learn he's on ourtime.com reporting "divorced" and in broad daylight. My single friend let me know. Saying the right things...pics of Hawaii from our trip when we got married there (3 years ago) and a few on the current vacation. To read and see it was devastating and disrespectful. Oh and he values "honesty" and doesn't want "drama!"

The same afternoon, I receive a text. "I am praying for you and me. I would have never imagined this would have happened." (happened???) I don't respond.

I am so glad that I am done...I keep praying to disconnect my thoughts from this trauma and this man. He doesn't deserve my thoughts, feelings, and time. I keep asking God to please take away the pain. 

I just wanted to share as it take time to move past the hope. Often, unless they are humble and willing to do anything...we wait on them (limbo) taking what ever messages that can feed our hope. I took me 2.5 months. Everyone is different.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

C-wife,

We all hate to be wrong. And, that emotion is one powerful motivator.

As ThreeStrikes will tell you - when the disordered are "THIS" disordered, you have to care for yourself.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ReturntoZero said:


> C-wife,
> 
> We all hate to be wrong. And, that emotion is one powerful motivator.
> 
> As ThreeStrikes will tell you - when the disordered are "THIS" disordered, you have to care for yourself.



So true! At some point, it's the illness (sick) that takes over and there is nothing else to work with or work for.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope that all works out well for you despite all this.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I struggled with his text today. "My aunt is in the hospital. It doesn't look good." (dying of cancer)

First, my thought was....I will call his mom and ignore the text. He doesn't deserve the response. I though how he is losing what family he has....or the ones that want to be in his life (limited). He doesn't have true friends.

I am not a cruel person. I don't have to treat him like he treated me. I am better than that to just ignore someone after they tell me something sensitive. 

My response. "So sorry." 

Then, I called his mother. 

Why did he think I needed to know? Because he was feeling sad and had no other person to tell??? Probably.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> I struggled with his text today. "My aunt is in the hospital. It doesn't look good." (dying of cancer)
> 
> First, my thought was....I will call his mom and ignore the text. He doesn't deserve the response. I though how he is losing what family he has....or the ones that want to be in his life (limited). He doesn't have true friends.
> 
> ...


These difficult situations are actually easy.

If you are "ok" with contacting them to express that you care, do it.

If you are "not ok" with doing it, don't.

This is an incredibly important lesson.

Make this your commitment to you. Only do what you are ok with doing the rest of your life - and your personal power will return.

And, you'll never lose it again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Received another text today "Sometimes I think we need to talk."

I am,again, not answering. Just more working his emotions through me. He is not in control. He is numbing with woman (dating) and drugs/alcohol. He back with the superficial dating scene. He HAD a good woman and had a deeper relationship with me than he ever has....part way due to me putting up with his B.S. I was long suffering. Most women won't do it. He looks charming/fun while dating. 

He's predictable. 

I am expecting, when I don't answer...another text to acknowledge that I didn't respond.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> Received another text today "Sometimes I think we need to talk."
> 
> I am,again, not answering. Just more working his emotions through me. He is not in control. He is numbing with woman (dating) and drugs/alcohol. He back with the superficial dating scene. He HAD a good woman and had a deeper relationship with me than he ever has....part way due to me putting up with his B.S. I was long suffering. Most women won't do it. He looks charming/fun while dating.
> 
> ...


You're doing great, stick to your guns!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Last night-A phone call that I didn't answer. Then a text "didn't want drama, just want to talk." He knows, obviously, that I refuse to to do drama.

I didn't answer until this morning saying "I was asleep."

He asked why I was up so early. I replied I just was....

He asked about puppy and then asked to have her for a few days. 

A good part doesn't want to see him. Another part, it would be a nice break from this high-maintenance pup.

I told him "ok." I figure we can make arrangement and he can retrieve her from the back yard. No contact. 

We will see if it's worth it. If not, then I say "it not working for me" and I won't do it again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yesterday, I decided to text him that I was dropping off the divorce waiver that they county hasn't received. I wanted to let him know that I knew about him advertising the online dating website. I told him how I felt embarrassed and disrespected how this was in public. 

He told me that he wasn't waiting around and went on some dates. He wasn't HIDING anything as we were divorcing.

I told him being divorce and feeling divorced are two separate things. He goes into how he felt divorced for "awhile." (2 months)

I decided to tell him the truth...my feelings. I told him that he was hiding behind his lies. He is hiding behind a "divorce" that hasn't occurred and lying to these woman. He is hiding behind drugs and alcohol as well. Until he deals with his issues, he is bound to repeat the same behaviors with the same consequences. I told him that I wanted a divorce and didn't wish to be a part of his life. 

This was the first time that I told him that I wanted a divorce. He always assumed that I was PLAN B. I was waiting for him on the side until he figured things out.....he was wanting to "talk" the night before and several times prior but never said anything. 

He said he wished he hadn't WASTED 5-6 years of his life. "We should have never been married." Whatever.

I told him WASTED? I have a track record of people that love me and that I love. Even my first husband (25 years) still loves and cares for me. I have dear, long term friends in my life. I told him that he was wasting my breath and thoughs at this point. "This is the deal. No contact anymore. No talking or texting. No Baileys (pup) visitation. No nothing. If I see you in court ok. No more back and forth.

His reply. "Well I guess your jewelry goes in the trash." (I've been asking for this and he told me he didn't have it. I know he tossed, my things, in the condo when I left.). "Thats how you want it. Controlling all the way to the end thank you" he responds. 

I replied "figures." I don't want the jewelry if he has it. I don't believe he does. Games. Not on his threats.

Then, I said. "you are toxic and I am blocking you. Email me if you get a court date."

I fiddled with me phone to block him. I guess I just did "do not disturb."

Later that night, I get a voicemail apology saying "I didn't mean our time was wasted together. I meant that I wasted my time. I don't know if you will get this." 

His behaviors are very predictable for me. I don't want to play anymore. He gets off on the back and forth. 

I will turn in the divorce waiver on Monday. That will prompt a court date.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

C-Wife,

I remember when we separated. I went to move money to an account with my name only. The house payment still had to be made and she didn't have a job, so this was the right way to go. I was the only one working.

It was still so difficult emotionally.

My heart goes out to you. We do what we must, but it doesn't mean we have to like it. You're doing a great job staying @50k and observing what he's dishing out. I would advise engaging a bit less, but I understand the satisfaction with an occasional poke.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

RTZ

Exactly! Doing the things that will end the marriage (dividing assets, moving out, paperwork in divorce, etc)....it's all so sad. 

He is sick at this point. My daughter (21 years old) says that when I engage, in this banter, that I appear weak. She's right. I suppose I figured it out. I went times of no contact. But really, I wanted a signal that I was worth the fight. I know that I am worth the fight. He is just not capable. 

I don't see me engaging again unless it's about paperwork, court date, etc. I told him via email only. 

Our 60 day waiting period will be Feb. 11. I am assuming that the court date will be a few weeks later...once I turn in the divorce waiver.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

He's definitely trying to play a game with you. Texting you about how he is praying for the two of you and yet already trying to find someone else just in case it doesn't work out, but already identifying himself as divorced? Or maybe he is jerking your chain a bit to make himself feel less guilty about the dating websites. He does sound like a pretty selfish guy, and I think it is awesome that you are standing up for yourself. You deserve to be happy.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

DanielleBennett said:


> He's definitely trying to play a game with you. Texting you about how he is praying for the two of you and yet already trying to find someone else just in case it doesn't work out, but already identifying himself as divorced? Or maybe he is jerking your chain a bit to make himself feel less guilty about the dating websites. He does sound like a pretty selfish guy, and I think it is awesome that you are standing up for yourself. You deserve to be happy.


Yes..I think your are right. Either a game or he's very confused. I am off of this roller coaster. It's amazing how he is praying for us but is deep in sin? 

Sometimes, I wonder why I waited and didn't just file myself when we came home from vacation. I suppose I didn't want to have any regrets but really this is a severe case of "sick." 

All I can work with is today. Still sad. Still perplexed how our relationship came crashing down-so quick and so callous. How I went from the "love of his life" to "We are done." All they while...he relapses, screws escorts, and is dating women...yet blames me.????

Sick is sick.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> Yes..I think your are right. Either a game or he's very confused. I am off of this roller coaster. It's amazing how he is praying for us but is deep in sin?
> 
> Sometimes, I wonder why I waited and didn't just file myself when we came home from vacation. I suppose I didn't want to have any regrets but really this is a severe case of "sick."
> 
> ...


I agree. Taking it one day at a time is the best option and will keep you sane during this process. And remember to not give in and fall for his mind games. Take care of you!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> RTZ
> 
> Exactly! Doing the things that will end the marriage (dividing assets, moving out, paperwork in divorce, etc)....it's all so sad.
> 
> ...


He's currently not interested and unwilling to do the work to organize and execute around priorities.

So, he bounces along in survival mode - making it up as he goes along - on a daily basis. That's why he's so inconsistent.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

After our last go around and I had finally put words "I want a divorce. I don't want to be with you." (I hadn't said these direct words). I expected him to attempt contact with a "sad" response. However, It usually take a week or so. Well...I had told him that I blocked him and to just communicate email re: court date. I have put him on my "do not disturb."

I was with friends for lunch today and he calls (goes to voicemail/3 days after our last contact).

He (sad voice)..."I never wanted to be enemies. I don't want to play games. I don't want you to be my enemy. I don't want to be your enemy......(sigh)...I don't know if we will ever talk again...I never wanted it to be like this a few years ago (indicated when we married)......I don't know.......(trails off)....bye.

OK. Of course, I am not responding. Funny, he treats me like an enemy. We certainly aren't going to be friends. 

RTZ..."He is bounces along in survival mode." You nailed it!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> After our last go around and I had finally put words "I want a divorce. I don't want to be with you." (I hadn't said these direct words). I expected him to attempt contact with a "sad" response. However, It usually take a week or so. Well...I had told him that I blocked him and to just communicate email re: court date. I have put him on my "do not disturb."
> 
> I was with friends for lunch today and he calls (goes to voicemail/3 days after our last contact).
> 
> ...


I have vast experience with survival mode.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

And, if I may, the "currency" of survival mode is bull**** excuses.

The kind of rationalizations you "talked yourself into" when you had this person on the "A List"

The kind of crap no one wishes to put up with forever.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Well today...I just turned in my divorce waiver of service. The waiver that was given to my husband, after I had it notarized (end of December), and was never turned into the courthouse. 

I found this out last week. All the while he was given me the mixed message of how sad, how he never intended to divorce when he married me, and how he sometimes wants to talk. Then, in the same month saying... "we are getting a divorce " (after being called out on his online dating profile) and "in no scenario are we getting back together." 

With the last message, after I told him that he hasn't turned in the waiver (he said he did) and that I would be doing it. I then told him in no uncertain terms that "I want to divorce you. I do not want to be together." I hadn't said these words but figured I wasn't going to be a Plan B and wait around for him to come around and do some work. The likelihood of that happening in a manner is slim to none. 

So the court date can be set, after Feb 11 (60 day waiting period).


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> And, if I may, the "currency" of survival mode is bull**** excuses.
> 
> The kind of rationalizations you "talked yourself into" when you had this person on the "A List"
> 
> The kind of crap no one wishes to put up with forever.


Just like your above post. He hits all those markers.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

RTZ:

I feel to old to put up the drama that this 52 year old man put me through. Really. Life is to short. 

Betrayal hurts and there is no ways around the pain. I was doing well yesterday...almost felt numb. Today, a bit more feeling. I still run things through my head....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Today my 60 days of waiting is up. I will be on the lookout for my court date online. 

Last night my husband attempted to call and then texted "Can I talk to you?" He didn't leave a voicemail. I didn't respond to the text. 

I am imagining that he will attempt to make "nice" regarding how he doesn't want to be enemies or how he never expected.....It will be the same old song and dance. Really, he tossed his marriage and spit on it. Amazing how he showed who he was.....

I told my friend, since he is dating, he is not finding anything but superficial relationships. He always told me that this was as connected as he's ever been to anyone. It scared him a bit. He said he never felt this loved by anyone before. I am like "wow" and you tossed it aside and spit on it. Sounds like it was something special!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

As expected, after the 60 day waiting period...he attempted many times (x2 texts; x2 voicemails, then an email). The email was the only reason why I responded. It appeared a sincere "I screwed up and I am very sorry for the pain I caused."

I called him. Listened. He expressed, finally, sincere remorse. He stated that he didn't wish to be enemies. He didn't know if we could work it out. 

I asked him, why so urgent and wanting to talk? He said the court called him to schedule the divorce date. 

I told him. "I am not your enemy, yet you treated me worse than an enemy. You didn't just walk away but you spit in my face and stomped on me. You treated me worse than anyone has ever treated me. " He said, I know and was remorseful. 

He said he didn't know if we could work things out. I told him "you gave me no other choice. Your words and actions all told the story. You've given mixed messages of sadness, wanting to talk, all along acting out with drugs, alcohol, and women. You are currently dating others. What does that say about working things out?" He apologized and said he wasn't dating (anymore). The call then ended as he was at work.

I went out with friends and received a few texts. Basically, he wasn't sure if I wanted him to text or call or even cared anymore. I told him that I could talk and asked him "what do you want?"

We talked when I got home. I told him, "I will tell you the truth. You need to get right spiritually in order for me to even consider you back. I don't know, at this point, where you are on that matter. Then, it's going to take someone who is more than wishy/washy waiting on me to open the door. It will take someone that is willing to fight for the woman he loves. Someone that is willing to not bail when things get tough. I would love nothing more than my husband to be with me, however, in this state no way. He needs to be a healthy man. I deserve love and kindness. I am an incredible person that deserves a good person willing to fight for me."

He was silent. He said "I am not calling on Monday to schedule the court date." Obviously, he is wanting to move forward in our contact. He know the basis of my expectations. He doesn't know what "spiritually right" looks for me. He doesn't know what "fighting for someone he loves" looks like either. I didn't vomit the information last night. I took it slow.

I don't think he can do it. It's ok. Tonight's call, what it looks like to get "spiritually right." 

I judge him by behaviors.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He doesn't deserve another chance. You will be right back where you are in a matter of weeks or months when he goes right back to how he's been. I don't know how you could possibly get past the betrayal.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Corpuswife said:


> I judge him by behaviors.


How do you judge yourself?

It seems like if you were serious about "no drama," that this guy wouldn't even be ABLE to contact you, now.

The behavior you are demonstrating is to leave every possible line of contact open between the two of you, and for what purpose?

Might I humbly suggest a new phone number and email address?

You can't obsess over his every call and text if you never receive them.

This person is a drug addict and an abuser. You are a person who marries abusive drug addicts.

This should scare you about yourself, and you should be doing everything you can to avoid the temptation to make up and be abused some more.

Sever these lines of communication and go make a better life for yourself.

Don't make bullsh!t excuses about everyone having your number / email and it being too much trouble to change them. Go change them, so that this person who diminishes you can't DO THAT any more.

Because right now, you're not "done" at all- you're just pacing yourself before you go back for more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've been waiting for him to do what he just did and finally he has. The problem? There are people who change and people who don't. The reason they don't is because it's very hard work. He's thrown out a bunch of words before with no actions to back them up. Words are obviously the easy part. You represent stability to him -- and he needs that -- but he also needs drugs, alcohol, and other women. The ones he found since the separation haven't been what he wanted beyond the moment. It was predictable he'd want to return. 

Be prepared.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

3Xnocharm said:


> He doesn't deserve another chance. You will be right back where you are in a matter of weeks or months when he goes right back to how he's been. I don't know how you could possibly get past the betrayal.



I am not sure I am willing to give it a chance. He doesn't deserve it and I am not sure if I have the energy.

I will let things unfold for a bit.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Openminded said:


> You've been waiting for him to do what he just did and finally he has. The problem? There are people who change and people who don't. The reason they don't is because it's very hard work. He's thrown out a bunch of words before with no actions to back them up. Words are obviously the easy part. You represent stability to him -- and he needs that -- but he also needs drugs, alcohol, and other women. The ones he found since the separation haven't been what he wanted beyond the moment. It was predictable he'd want to return.
> 
> Be prepared.



Typically, if people change is takes a big catalyst to push them in that direction. Even then, there is no guarantee as it's "people" full of flaws. 

Your correct, I do represent stability which is attractive to most....especially to the unstable.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I meet him for coffee tonight. This is not a "we are back together talk." This is a see you in person and get a vibe talk for me. I really feel that this may provide for some closure and an indicator of where he is at emotionally. I am guessing he's not great. I don't see a reason to prolong the pain.

I will let the meeting unfold and continue to pray.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

How did the coffee meeting go? Personally, I don't think you should take him back because if you do his "changes" may go away and he will be back to the same old. He would need Years of counseling and soul searching before he could actually say he is a changed man. Please update.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

DanielleBennett said:


> How did the coffee meeting go? Personally, I don't think you should take him back because if you do his "changes" may go away and he will be back to the same old. He would need Years of counseling and soul searching before he could actually say he is a changed man. Please update.


Thanks for asking. Well, we met last night and it was strange. We hadn't seen each other since December. He has a scowl on his face. He said very little and admitted "not knowing what to say." I told him that I felt the same. I am a good communicator and feel very comfortable doing so. I wanted to sit back and listen, however, there were times I think I would hear crickets! He seemed to be agitated/angry. I think I said some things that he had previously said about me....that I was unappreciative. I told him that I was and sincerely apologize if it came across that way. I brought up how I felt that he was feeling unappreciated due to the fact that I brought up his work and being unable to spend time together (shift worker/mega hours/no life). He would become defensive as if I was attempting to belittle. 

During our meeting he said "I was a good provider." I told him that he was, however, that wasn't how I felt loved. I wanted to spend time with my husband and not live this single life...married. His father was the same way and only contributed money but no emotional connection to his family (I did not tell him this). 

He had nothing to say. I told him to please contact the courts, tomorrow, and schedule our divorce date. He nodded yes. We left...no goodbye but i silence I wasn't emotional. 

I had a missed call about 1 hour later. He probably thought out things. 

He texted this morning "Sorry how the meeting went. It's not that I hate you, actually it's the opposite...maybe we can try again? I am on days this weekend?

I replied, hours later "I am not sure if you can get past the anger an projections. It appears as hate and really I have been treated harshly the whole time. How Have I treated you knowing that you cheated and put yourself on website and date? What will so-called talking accomplish when I am the target? Is the talking a way to see if you feeling anything but anger? Is the talking to see if we can get past the crisis? Talking is just the tip. It will take significant outside help to move any place other than divorce. Significant change. Our relationship would not look the same as before. So, talking includes an open, humble, honest place in your heart. If you are unwilling to go there, then move on. If you can get to that place this weekend, then I am open to get together. "

The other poster is right I wasn't done! Still hanging on, by a thread....

I don't think he can do it. Still detaching myself.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

It sounds so trite to say that it's a process.

But, I can tell you I didn't want to let go of her. In the end, I didn't have to. But, he really seems so completely "unselfaware". I know it's not a word, but he doesn't like "how" it's turning out but doesn't seem to recognize he has a role in the outcome.

We can't hit those we love over the head with a hammer and "make them see" anything. What we can do is what you're doing. Let them experience the consequences of their actions.

Good job.

May your head rest easy on your pillow.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ReturntoZero said:


> It sounds so trite to say that it's a process.
> 
> But, I can tell you I didn't want to let go of her. In the end, I didn't have to. But, he really seems so completely "unselfaware". I know it's not a word, but he doesn't like "how" it's turning out but doesn't seem to recognize he has a role in the outcome.
> 
> ...


Thank you RTZ. I have to do it my way. It's not that I don't understand what I am up against. I evaluate myself and ask why I don't let go. Maybe I will.

We met again, to walk the dogs on the beach. It was nice and .....quiet. He did say he wanted to make it work. I told him that outside help was needed and I made a suggestion for a marriage intensive (3 day weekend) for couples that are separated and on the brink of divorce. He ended up agreeing to do this (next weekend). He preregistered the next day.

IDK if it's worth the expense for me. I want to talk to him tonight and get a feel for where he is....We are splitting the cost (my idea). He has a lot of shame involved so agreeing to go there, in front of others, is daunting I am sure. I supposed I there is no guarantee and no quick fixes. This will be an opportunity to discuss the history and bridge a connection. There will be plenty to do after.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> Thank you RTZ. I have to do it my way. It's not that I don't understand what I am up against. I evaluate myself and ask why I don't let go. Maybe I will.
> 
> We met again, to walk the dogs on the beach. It was nice and .....quiet. He did say he wanted to make it work. I told him that outside help was needed and I made a suggestion for a marriage intensive (3 day weekend) for couples that are separated and on the brink of divorce. He ended up agreeing to do this (next weekend). He preregistered the next day.
> 
> IDK if it's worth the expense for me. I want to talk to him tonight and get a feel for where he is....We are splitting the cost (my idea). He has a lot of shame involved so agreeing to go there, in front of others, is daunting I am sure. I supposed I there is no guarantee and no quick fixes. This will be an opportunity to discuss the history and bridge a connection. There will be plenty to do after.


There would be more to hang your hat on IF he had suggested the weekend. I realize your reluctance to believe in something he (may be) grudgingly doing to keep up appearances and stay in contact.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ReturntoZero said:


> There would be more to hang your hat on IF he had suggested the weekend. I realize your reluctance to believe in something he (may be) grudgingly doing to keep up appearances and stay in contact.



Hence my hesitation. Well...I ended up talking to him prior to making the payment for the weekend. I told him that I didn't feel like he was invested in the relationship. He said, on our walk with the dogs, that he didn't feel connected. I told him that I didn't either. I said that he spent significant energy in Hawaii and later to detach (to put it lightly); and he has a wall. I asked him, why he is trying? He said "I like the qualities that you have. Some I don't like." 

It ended up that I said a few things: 1. Qualities wasn't good enough to attempt reconciliation 2. I need a partner willing to commitment and invest 3. If I ever get in a relationship, it will be with a Christian that puts God first and walk the walk (I thought he was ) 

He said he wanted to think about the 3 day weekend. I said "no nothing will change in a day or two." I want you to set the court date (he has to as petitioner). I want to move on and not prolong anything. He said "it is no problem."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd proceed with the divorce. If he is still interested after, he can pursue it then. Something tells me he won't, though.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

After asking him to set the court date (he has to as the petitioner in our county)..since last Thursday, and Friday reminding him again. He didn't respond to any of the messages and the online county website didn't have a date set. I texted him another reminder on Sunday night. I checked the website before noon today and a date has been set.

My divorce will be final, this Monday on March 7th at 1:15 pm. He didn't have the decency to tell me, via text, that the date had been set. Of course, the word decency isn't in his vocabulary. 

I spent the day part angry and disappointed and then sad. I know this is necessary. I know I didn't deserve the betrayal or treatment received. I know that I did everything I could do, even leaving the door open after his betrayal. 

I expect him to contact me, in some way, prior to the divorce. That's his pattern.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Get the divorce, get on with your life and move on. Forget about him. Don't even give him the satisfaction of a thought.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> After asking him to set the court date (he has to as the petitioner in our county)..since last Thursday, and Friday reminding him again. He didn't respond to any of the messages and the online county website didn't have a date set. I texted him another reminder on Sunday night. I checked the website before noon today and a date has been set.
> 
> My divorce will be final, this Monday on March 7th at 1:15 pm. He didn't have the decency to tell me, via text, that the date had been set. Of course, the word decency isn't in his vocabulary.
> 
> ...


I'm not known for sympathetic posts.

But, you have mine.

Divorce really sucks.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ReturntoZero said:


> I'm not known for sympathetic posts.
> 
> But, you have mine.
> 
> Divorce really sucks.


Yes, it sucks! Divorce is a death of a dream, hope, and commitment. Then, you might add the betrayal, lies, and deceit with a sprinkle of my spouse's projection of anger towards me. It's been an unbelievable amount of energy towards another human being/relationship. 

I have only used this amount of energy on my children. I never expected my spouse to be at that level. He was no partner.

He did text, this morning to let me know he sent a certified letter with the date/time and then he told me the date/time. Gee thanks, he knew yesterday morning but thought he'd process it and share 24 hours later.

I didn't respond.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

As I figured he contacted me yesterday morning via text. Again the "sorry about us" and "if I you don't think I am hurting, you are crazy. I don't see any other way."

Same old stuff. Monday is the D day. I am tearful at times but am walking through this ok. Not much else to say. 

He will contact me again...this weekend. He's easy to predict.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> As I figured he contacted me yesterday morning via text. Again the "sorry about us" and "if I you don't think I am hurting, you are crazy. I don't see any other way."
> 
> Same old stuff. Monday is the D day. I am tearful at times but am walking through this ok. Not much else to say.
> 
> He will contact me again...this weekend. He's easy to predict.


Of course, he wants YOU to leave him an opening.

What he doesn't realize is you'd have let him in anytime he was sincere - and likely still would.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're a security blanket for him. And he's used to you continuing to try to save the marriage. I doubt that's going to stop even after the divorce. There's no reason to respond to his future efforts because it's been obvious for awhile he's not going to change.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Openminded said:


> You're a security blanket for him. And he's used to you continuing to try to save the marriage. I doubt that's going to stop even after the divorce. There's no reason to respond to his future efforts because it's been obvious for awhile he's not going to change.


I thought about that also. I am a stable person in every way. I represented a future. Something, he really never thought of much. When I met he was 10+ years sober (meth). Obvious, that life didn't lend much stability. The girlfriends he had, after he became sober, were either jealous or tumultuous relationships. I can see how they would end up getting on the "crazy train." Most folks aren't as tolerant and long-suffering as I am. 

I believe, now, that he likes both worlds the crazy-train and the stable life. 

3 days a counting....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he does want both worlds. And he will very likely continue trying to get you back because he knows the crazy world alone -- important as it is to him -- doesn't really work. He wants the balance of both. Obviously, he is only thinking of himself.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ugh! I am really struggling emotionally this weekend. I am not judging the emotions and I know that it's completely normal. Part of me, is annoyed that I am having to spend MORE energy getting over him after I spent so MUCH working with him (in the marriage).

I am walking through the emotions, crying some heavy cries, and then getting up and going to work; going to church; visiting friends; etc. I haven't stopped my life but it's slowed. My daughter has a house warming party this afternoon.

Given the intensity of his betrayal, I now question our history and know that I will never know the REAL truth. He relapsed 4 months into our marriage, and I kicked him out, after I discovered that he was using. He ended up going to rehab (first time)....I had asked him if he cheated while he was away (prior to rehab but living with his mother after I booted him out) and he said "I thought about it." He discussed going online/phone to talk to women. I am thinking he did the escort thing but I never caught it. He had no choice, after Hawaii, but to admit as I had the phone records/transactions. He a good liar. All addicts are...How can you tell an active addict is lying? There mouth is moving. I know this....

I am not going to continue to rehash the past.....there is no benefit in it. I process and then I will move on. 

At 50 years old, I don't want to mess around with the rest of my life. My husband wasn't a husband. He isn't capable. 

I am little concerned about others as he is back on the dating website again. Still sick. 

I've always considered myself a person that was pretty "dead on" with reading people. It's my profession and nature. I have always avoided those who would do me harm and did a great job of it. My relationships have always been stable and sound. I think this has shaken me a bit and I need to know that I can trust myself again....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I read once that when you're grieving something, it helps to get a timer and set it for 30 minutes, and go ahead and let yourself cry, scream, whatever, for the whole thirty minutes. When the timer goes off, get up wash your face, and get on with other stuff. The next day when you feel the tears coming on, set the timer for 29 minutes, rinse and repeat. The next day, 28 minutes. And so on. By the time you get close to 1 minute, you probably won't need it any more.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Turnera that is a great idea....I usually don't go that long but as long as I walking than I feel ok about it.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

IT IS DONE!

We are doing our own divorce. My husband texted me this morning 6:30 am saying "court is on thursday right. I am having a procedure." I shot one back saying "NO. It's today at 1:15 pm. You sent me the certified letter. Its also online." He said "great. I am having a surgical procedure now."

I thought...here we go. He's avoiding. He's high. He didn't sign the final decree yet, so now it's not going to happen. I thought he was lying. I attempted to contact his mom and she never responded, after 3 hours. I finally get a call. He's at home now, after surgery and I can come by to get him to sign the documents. The way I read the documents, was he didn't have to be there.

I saw him. He was sad and vulnerable and a bit drowsy. He did have oral surgery. He said 2 spots, in his mouth, removed. They aren't sure if it's oral cancer. Wow. I didn't know what to say. I showed him where to sign. I said that I prayed for him and was concerned that he wasn't letting God back into his life. 

He attempted to get up and I tried to stop him. Thinking he was trying to walk me out. He got up and said "I am so sorry. This is all my fault. He started to hug me (first time since prior to Hawaii). I stepped back but he went ahead, softly, and expressed his remorse. I said "it is your fault. You've made these choices from day one. A choice to act out. A choice to work on the relationship. It's all on you." Then I left his room.

I visited with his mother for about 30 minutes. I felt led to go back, into his room, and ask if I could pray with him. 

I did. I asked if I could pray with him and he asked "why?" I said "I love you. I care for you." He nodded a yes. I prayed. Then, I left and said goodbye.

It took about 5 minutes to get divorced. It's done. Not good and not bad. Just necessary at this point. And still sad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

{{{CW}}}


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

This thread saddens me. It's clear that he cares, but has no idea how to behave.

He always gets in the way of his better self.

Our personalities are made of many parts. He allows his dark parts nearly total control. The other parts scream to break through, but he doesn't trust them enough to act.

That's not on you.

It's simply sad.

You did what you had to do.

God be with you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You did awesome. Congratulations on your new life!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The divorce is over and I figured I would take steps forward. I suppose that will happen gradually like it always does.

He is on my mind. Still the surreal part of two people that love each other yet one is so crippled. 

Then, waiting on a diagnosis of his oral surgery. I did text him,yesterday, to let he know I would be there for him in whatever way. I will. I also texted him that I know it feels weird....it does. 

Sometimes, people are brought to their knees. A derailment and then changes and growth occurs. Sometimes.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> The divorce is over and I figured I would take steps forward. I suppose that will happen gradually like it always does.
> 
> He is on my mind. Still the surreal part of two people that love each other yet one is so crippled.
> 
> ...


Its good that you would be there for him if there is something serious going on, just be careful not to get sucked into the caretaker role. You should be focusing on yourself right now.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

3Xnocharm said:


> Its good that you would be there for him if there is something serious going on, just be careful not to get sucked into the caretaker role. You should be focusing on yourself right now.


You are right! It's my own concern as well. It may be that it's negative for cancer. It may be that he doesn't wish to have my involvement due to having a guilty conscious. I guess I will need to cross that bridge if it happens.

However, I do have to be careful. Can I heal from a divorce and still "help" my ex? I am a bit scared that this will keep me tied to a person that isn't relationship material/cruel/sick etc. 

I guess I will know in a soon.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Corpuswife said:


> You are right! It's my own concern as well. It may be that it's negative for cancer. It may be that he doesn't wish to have my involvement due to having a guilty conscious. I guess I will need to cross that bridge if it happens.
> 
> However, I do have to be careful. Can I heal from a divorce and still "help" my ex? I am a bit scared that this will keep me tied to a person that isn't relationship material/cruel/sick etc.
> 
> I guess I will know in a soon.


I wouldn't do it. That will be sending him the wrong message. Additionally, it will only serve to stunt your own healing.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree. That would not be a good idea. 

I think you keep hoping he will somehow find it in himself to change. That's not likely, unfortunately. You are not going to heal until you get emotional and physical distance from him. You don't share children so there's no reason to stay in touch. His family can help him -- that's what families are for. His actions mean he can no longer count on you as family. 

Distance yourself.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

As of Monday night, my ex hasn't received his results of the oral biospy (one week prior). His mother, stated that she asked him if he heard anything (yesterday/Wed) and he said has an appt with the doctor on April 4th. Either he knows something already (good or bad) or he will know within the week. 

I've decided to let it lie. It difficult to love someone and not care at the same time. All I can do is continue my prayers and move on with my life regardless.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I heard from my ex on Sunday via text. He said his typical. "I am really sad for the outcome. I am sorry.' He asked about some of my medical claims (basic exams/gyno) but was alarmed at the amount. He is carrying me on insurance for the remainer of the year. He felt that something was wrong with me, due to the amount. I didn't owe him an explanation. I said everything was fine. I explained that the insurance thought was had a secondary insurance and denied the claim (truth) and it was resubmitted.

He was very forceful in wanting to know if anything was wrong? He called and I basically said I didn't want to discuss my healthcare with him. He's lost that privilege. He did say "you want to know about my results?" I explained that it wasn't a competition. He hung up and texted "Don't think I don't care about you."

I told him to have a great day! My friends say cut him off. He will go away eventually. I am ok. Funny, how much he cares about me. He treated me like cr*p on vacation and after-enemies would have treated me better. What a joke that 4 months later, it's the first time he's asked how are you?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> I heard from my ex on Sunday via text. He said his typical. "I am really sad for the outcome. I am sorry.' He asked about some of my medical claims (basic exams/gyno) but was alarmed at the amount. He is carrying me on insurance for the remainer of the year. He felt that something was wrong with me, due to the amount. I didn't owe him an explanation. I said everything was fine. I explained that the insurance thought was had a secondary insurance and denied the claim (truth) and it was resubmitted.
> 
> He was very forceful in wanting to know if anything was wrong? He called and I basically said I didn't want to discuss my healthcare with him. He's lost that privilege. He did say "you want to know about my results?" I explained that it wasn't a competition. He hung up and texted "Don't think I don't care about you."
> 
> I told him to have a great day! My friends say cut him off. He will go away eventually. I am ok. Funny, how much he cares about me. He treated me like cr*p on vacation and after-enemies would have treated me better. What a joke that 4 months later, it's the first time he's asked how are you?


Dog-bone syndrome.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ReturntoZero said:


> Dog-bone syndrome.


LOL! Can you explain???


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Wow, I thought I married the Most Selfish Life Form on Earth...


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Corpuswife said:


> LOL! Can you explain???


From the Urban Dictionary

a term used to describe what happens to nice people, a user will love them and play with them for a while but after awhile they just get chewed up buried and forgot about just like a DOG BONE


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

But, if the bone suddenly shows life - they kind of make noise about getting it back.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ah! Thanks RTZ for the education!!


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

I am sorry, my (soon to be) ex is behaving the exact same way. I was so hurt when I found out she was already riding the new pony she'd cut from the herd... And she had the nerve to be offended when I said told her how hurtful it was that she was "banging" this guy. How the frak can it be anything else?!?! Certainly not "making love!!!"


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

WhyMe66 said:


> I am sorry, my (soon to be) ex is behaving the exact same way. I was so hurt when I found out she was already riding the new pony she'd cut from the herd... And she had the nerve to be offended when I said told her how hurtful it was that she was "banging" this guy. How the frak can it be anything else?!?! Certainly not "making love!!!"



Many people...use others, drugs and alcohol to soothe their emotions. It's not healthy nor helpful in the long run. It's a dopamine rush and feels good in the temporary. It usually gets old.

I'd rather suffer through the pain; heal; and gain some wisdom over this experience. I will attract healthier people that way.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Too bad people don't understand that the toe curling moments are the icing on the cake. I work nights, she works days. She KNOWS when she comes home she has clean underwear because I saw to the laundry before bed. I make her coffee before I leave (set it up to brew, don't want to ruin it!) I would cook her favorite breakfast on our joint day off. Love and marriage are a lot more than "bumping uglies." Too bad that is all she wants-a faithful, loving, devoted and caring help meet doesn't seem to work for her.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

WhyMe66 said:


> Too bad people don't understand that the toe curling moments are the icing on the cake. I work nights, she works days. She KNOWS when she comes home she has clean underwear because I saw to the laundry before bed. I make her coffee before I leave (set it up to brew, don't want to ruin it!) I would cook her favorite breakfast on our joint day off. Love and marriage are a lot more than "bumping uglies." Too bad that is all she wants-a faithful, loving, devoted and caring help meet doesn't seem to work for her.


I am sorry....

Are you still living in the same home? I think that would be extremely difficult.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Yes we are. Until I get something from the court that I can use to get my name off the lease I am still here. Fortunately she takes her adultery somewhere else. Oddly, her Frakbuddy is married too. He divorced her after cheating on her with a mistress that her cheated on with a girlfriend... Then he remarried his wife! Now he is cheating on her again!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WhyMe66 said:


> Too bad people don't understand that the toe curling moments are the icing on the cake. I work nights, she works days. She KNOWS when she comes home she has clean underwear because* I saw to the laundry* before bed. *I make her coffee *before I leave (set it up to brew, don't want to ruin it!) I would *cook her favorite breakfast* on our joint day off. Love and marriage are a lot more than "bumping uglies." Too bad that is all she wants-a faithful, loving, devoted and caring help meet doesn't seem to work for her.


I have a book for you to read - before you start dating other women.

It's called No More Mr Nice Guy.

It will explain everything.

PS: SURELY you have exposed your wife's cheating to her parents and siblings and best friend, right? Right?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> Too bad people don't understand that the toe curling moments are the icing on the cake. I work nights, she works days. She KNOWS when she comes home she has clean underwear because I saw to the laundry before bed. I make her coffee before I leave (set it up to brew, don't want to ruin it!) I would cook her favorite breakfast on our joint day off. Love and marriage are a lot more than "bumping uglies." Too bad that is all she wants-a faithful, loving, devoted and caring help meet doesn't seem to work for her.


Nicing someone into loving you never works.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Wasn't trying to "nice" her, just doing my share of the housework, etc. Trying to be a good partner or help meet.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Nope, she'd already done that. I was the last "cc" on the memo chain...


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Oh, no, I don't think so... I am done with all of that. No dates, no GFs, nothing. I would rather take my dogs and go live in a cabin in the woods. Or find a lighthouse to tend. Too bad they are automated now...


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> Wasn't trying to "nice" her, just doing my share of the housework, etc. Trying to be a good partner or help meet.


The written word does have it's limitations. But, anytime someone starts listing the "things they've done" it sounds like codependence and angling for the victim chair.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

I can see that but no, just stating what I did.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Well, yesterday was a month divorced. It was also, a month from his oral biopsy. He had a followup appt yesterday. As of over a week ago, he was interested in my health as he received the EOB as I am still on his health insurance. He told me that he called and they didn't have the results on his biopsy after 3 weeks. I believe that this is a lie. 

He said, he let me know about the followup and any results. He hasn't' but his mother says "I believe he's fine. He says it's nothing to worry about."

He hasn't texted me as he said. I am leaving it alone and assuming he's playing games and/or lying. 

I am slowly moving on but this health scare was keeping me connected in a way. IDK but if he's game playing, it doesn't matter anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, it doesn't. Move on.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He texted late last night and said he test was negative (cancer). 

Just thought I would update to those who followed. He said that texting/talking to me is still difficult. Not for the reasons that I may think?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There's no reason for the two of you to remain in touch going forward so in the future don't respond to his texts (if he continues texting you) and don't initiate any of your own. 

It's very easy to find excuses to text (been there/done that) and it's past time for you to go NC. You'll move on quicker and heal faster if you don't keep hoping the next text you get a chime for is from him (also been there/done that).


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If I were you, I'd thank him for letting you know the results of the biopsy, wish him well, and go total NC.


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