# Uncovering some of husband's resentment



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

So...On several occasions tonight, my husband got irritable with me over petty things. 

1) I was making Christmas dinner for us and our son: glazed ham and sweet potato casserole. H comes into kitchen to offer to help, which I was glad for. Then he got mad that there were too many dirty dishes in the way. (I ran the dishwasher after breakfast, but a few items were still needing done.) So he stops helping with dinner and starts angrily unloading and reloading the dishwasher. He rushed around hurriedly and made it known he was irritated about it. 

2) I got a new set of adjustable hand weights for Christmas. I left them sitting partly under the coffee table but well out of the way where we normally walk. After dinner he walked by them and said "Will you please move those things before I break my toe on them??" 

3) He got irritated that we were low on cat food. I am the one who always buys cat food and I feed them 95% of the time (he will on occasion). I said we seem to be going through it faster recently, but we do have a couple of days left. He said "We know better than to let the cat food run low when its wintertime!" ("We"="you").

4) He brought up that I should've gotten gas in my car the other day instead of driving it home on 1/4 tank, because its winter and "you never know when you'll get stranded". My car gets good gas mileage. We live 10 min to nearest gas station. I don't drive that car often anymore since I got my new one. The other one 'low on gas' is ending its lease in a month. So, after running around all day doing errands, I chose to not get gas for the above mentioned reasons. 

Later he said I seemed mad at him. I said that it seems like he's always irritated with me about something anymore. He says "like what??" I recounted the above examples. He said he just gets mad when there are things that make him nervous like that, that just need to get done. He said he can't handle it when I don't do things, like load the dishwasher before making dinner or getting gas "just in case", because I should care that they make him nervous, even if they don't make me nervous. Then he says "sorry you're mad at me" all mopey like. I said I'm not, but sorry you resent me so much. He just said "I'm not mad at you". 

So...the moral of the story is...I am supposed to live every minute of my life trying to predict what will make him mad, nervous, or resentful and do whatever it takes to prevent that as much as is humanly possible. If I don't do that, he resents me for not caring enough to try to alleviate his anxiety...or worse, I'm deliberately adding to his anxiety. It doesn't matter if I planned things out differently or just made a simple mistake and forgot to do something. In his mind, forgetting = not caring enough to remember.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That's rediculous. He needs to find some way to relieve his own stress so that he does not end up feeling that way.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> That's rediculous. He needs to find some way to relieve his own stress so that he does not end up feeling that way.


Yes. What I'm realizing more and more is that he relies on and expects me to be his buffer from the world. I don't think he consciously realizes that, but I do believe it. For instance, if there is something he is uncomfortable doing, like calling someone to tell them he can't help them do something they asked, he'll somehow weasel his way until I somehow get cornered into doing it for him. 

I am less an equal partner in marriage, and more of an anti-anxiety pill or his spokesperson in confrontational situations. He expects me to think like he does in every way so that I can put out his fires before they start. If I fail in any way by being my own person with my own priorities, I have failed him as a wife. That's what our marriage boils down to. Basically, I have no emotional needs as a wife apart from seeing to it that his needs are met. His perspective, his planning, his priorities are automatically assumed to be mine. It's frustrating beyond words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondSkin (Dec 25, 2012)

It sounds like he want's you to be his "mother". That's not a 50/50 relationship. Unfortunately, the nuances and "the dance" of such a relationship aren't obvious in the beginning. When we fall in love with someone, we don't mind "helping them out" to a certain extent -- but this has become habitual. He's a nag. 

Has he always been like this?



Waking up to life said:


> Yes. What I'm realizing more and more is that he relies on and expects me to be his buffer from the world. I don't think he consciously realizes that, but I do believe it. For instance, if there is something he is uncomfortable doing, like calling someone to tell them he can't help them do something they asked, he'll somehow weasel his way until I somehow get cornered into doing it for him.
> 
> I am less an equal partner in marriage, and more of an anti-anxiety pill or his spokesperson in confrontational situations. He expects me to think like he does in every way so that I can put out his fires before they start. If I fail in any way by being my own person with my own priorities, I have failed him as a wife. That's what our marriage boils down to. Basically, I have no emotional needs as a wife apart from seeing to it that his needs are met. His perspective, his planning, his priorities are automatically assumed to be mine. It's frustrating beyond words.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

SecondSkin said:


> It sounds like he want's you to be his "mother". That's not a 50/50 relationship. Unfortunately, the nuances and "the dance" of such a relationship aren't obvious in the beginning. When we fall in love with someone, we don't mind "helping them out" to a certain extent -- but this has become habitual. He's a nag.
> 
> Has he always been like this?


Yes, he has. But at age 19 when we married, I didn't have a clear sense of my own identity. I quickly got roped into this kind of "dance" as you call it. I kept thinking I was being a "good wife" by trying to "help him out" (read: enable him to be self-centered). It's gotten a little better over the years...or maybe it's just that he's trained me so well that he doesn't have to nag me as much - I automatically anticipate what he will need or how he will react. 

I truly believe he doesn't consciously see it this way. It's a pattern of behavior that's been ingrained in his personality (and unfortunately I have enabled it subconciously). I think at this point, MC is the only hope I have left of getting him to see the glaring communication problem we have. I plan to ask him to go to MC very soon. I dread that conversation already, but it must be done.


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## SecondSkin (Dec 25, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I truly believe he doesn't consciously see it this way. It's a pattern of behavior that's been ingrained in his personality (and unfortunately I have enabled it subconciously). I think at this point, MC is the only hope I have left of getting him to see the glaring communication problem we have. I plan to ask him to go to MC very soon. I dread that conversation already, but it must be done.


I agree with you. MC will hopefully make him aware of how his actions are affecting you. Good luck!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

So the fact you posted this in the Considering Separation or Divorce section is concerning. What you posted as issues to me seem to be small things that happen especially during the holidays. There is alot to live up to during the holidays and the pressures are great. I believe this is why the movie "Its a wonderful Life" has hit a cord with society. 

If your issues are that great seek a pro-marriage MC that you both feel comfortable working with. Remember its both of yours marriage, not the MC to play with for pay.

I wish you well.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

This is me said:


> So the fact you posted this in the Considering Separation or Divorce section is concerning. What you posted as issues to me seem to be small things that happen especially during the holidays. There is alot to live up to during the holidays and the pressures are great. I believe this is why the movie "Its a wonderful Life" has hit a cord with society.
> 
> If your issues are that great seek a pro-marriage MC that you both feel comfortable working with. Remember its both of yours marriage, not the MC to play with for pay.
> 
> I wish you well.


 These kinds of things have happened for the course of our 19 year marriage, holiday or not. They seem to be small things that, when singled out, sound trivial and petty. But if you can imagine 19 years of being nagged at, treated like an incompetent child, accused of "not caring" about him enough to alter my way of thinking to anticipate and prevent anxiety inducing situations...well, I'm getting tired. I'm tired of not being valued as a unique person with my own needs and appreciated for meeting his (to a fault). That's why I posted this in "Considering Divorce". I'm not there just yet...honestly, it's only been in the last few months I've EVER actually thought about it longer than 2 seconds. But I'm allowing myself, for the first time ever, to consider all options, rather than just resign myself to live in a dysfunctional marriage for the rest of my life. That is one decision I can say for sure I've made...to not go on indefinitely unhappy and resentful. It's not fair to my H or to me. Whatever is ends up being, _something_ has to happen.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Sounds like passive aggressive behavior to me. Google it...see if it fits your husband...and then add 'in a marriage'...read that. Your living in a damned if you do damned if you don't situation daily. No matter what your choice is...your wrong and he's not happy. 
Passive aggressive personality disorder in a marriage/relationship. 
Just my take. But bet u can relate...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Waking up to life ... your husband, is my husband.

He is passive/aggressive ... manic or something.

I walk on egg shells and can usually tell what his mood is by the way he carries himself (his walk says it all)

It's very depressing living with someone like that.

I have begun the process of separation. We have only been married 4 years (I married for the first time late in life - 46) but I can't take it. Not heading into my "golden years" having to deal with that.

I lived alone until he came into my life, I can certainly do it again.


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