# Sometimes I really hate being married.



## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Anyone out there feel this way, too?

Right now, it is one of those times I hate being married and question why as humans we have to get married.

Marriage for me is one those unquestionable things that just needs to happen because it's "life." 

Why can't we just be single and free?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sometimes I really hate being married.*



hardcandy said:


> Why can't we just be single and free?


You can, no one is stopping you. If that's what you want.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I couldn't just get up and leave. There's so much pressure to be married, to be a good wife, and a good mother. I have a baby and can't really just get up and be "free" now.

Marriage wasn't ever a choice for me. My family expected me to get married. My parents told me that getting married was all that they ask from me for everything that they've done for me. So growing up, finding someone I love to marry was the thing to do after graduating from college. It was just natural to me.

Sure, most days I love the life I have and feel so blessed. But then...I hate it, too.

Nothing happened. I just started thinking how I just hate the expectations and always having to consider my husband's feelings. I'm just so tired of thinking about others. I just, for once, want to only consider my feelings and do whatever the heck I want, but I can't, or else I would be selfish or hurtful.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Just because you are wife and Mom doesn't mean you can't just be YOU sometimes. Go out, leave the baby with husband and get your hair done or go shopping. You can still do stuff for just yourself. 

What exactly are you wanting to do that would be selfish and hurtful?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Since you mention so much pressure, I wonder if you can share where that pressure comes from.

Although I am happily married, my wife and I are under no pressure to be married. We simply enjoy each other only for us, other people's opinions and ideals are not our concern.

The fact that you say you are tired of thinking about others makes me think you may be giving more than you are getting.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I wanted to learn pole dancing for the art and exercise (since I was 18, I'm 31 now and it's probably too late) but my husband disagrees and always gets upset when I bring it up. Before I had a baby, he would say that it's ****ty and improper. Now that I have a baby, he would say, "you're a mother now, how would your daughter perceive that?" as if I'd be stripping for a living. 

Also, if I wear anything remotely "sexy," my husband would get upset and tells me that I would put him in a bad situation in public.

I grew up with a very strict dad and I always had to follow his rules and now here I am, finding myself restricted to always having to consider my husband's feelings.

When will I ever get to be myself? Probably never because anything I want to do, my husband finds it offensive somehow.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Personal said:


> Since you mention so much pressure, I wonder if you can share where that pressure comes from.
> 
> Although I am happily married, my wife and I are under no pressure to be married. We simply enjoy each other only for us, other people's opinions and ideals are not our concern.
> 
> The fact that you say you are tired of thinking about others makes me think you may be giving more than you are getting.


Pressure is from my family. They view success as being married, having a family, a house, and making a good living. We just bought a house after we had our baby. It's like a checklist thing we have to do to be "successful." 

No, please don't get me wrong, my husband gives a lot. We both make sacrifices but the difference between him and I is that he is happy the way he is, and I'm not. My whole day is either the baby or my husband.

Everyday, if I want to do something, I just can't do it unless I have the full support of my husband and frankly I'm just getting to the point where I just want to be by myself.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He's not your father, he's your husband. You don't have to just blindly do what he says. If he has a valid reason for something he can talk to you and work together to find a compromise. He doesn't have to always like what you do but he does need to respect that you are your own person and trust that you can make your own choices.

Now, if those choices did involve becoming a stripper or wearing sexy clothes out to the bar without him, he would have valid reasons but IMO the things you said should be just fine. 

You could probably even find a pole dance class geared to Moms and women in their 30s.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What is your cultural background?


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He's not your father, he's your husband. You don't have to just blindly do what he says. If he has a valid reason for something he can talk to you and work together to find a compromise. He doesn't have to always like what you do but he does need to respect that you are your own person and trust that you can make your own choices.
> 
> Now, if those choices did involve becoming a stripper or wearing sexy clothes out to the bar without him, he would have valid reasons but IMO the things you said should be just fine.
> 
> You could probably even find a pole dance class geared to Moms and women in their 30s.


Nono, I don't like bars or the club scene and I don't even drink. It's just clothing like shorts and heels, when we go out together that's all. He says it's too sexy and he doesn't want to hit someone for being disrespectful.

There would be too much fighting and drama if I were to just go and do it anyway regarding the pole dancing. So I just let it go as there is no compromising. It's just a hobby I'd like to have, that or burlesque dancing. I find those two things fascinating. I would never do it to make a living!

That's exactly how I feel sometimes about my husband that he's acting like my dad. To his defense, he really doesn't do anything that "offends" me but that's just how he is naturally.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> What is your cultural background?


I'm Asian.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I am sorry your husband isn't more supportive or encouraging of your interests and desires.

As to how your daughter would perceive that, the question you should ask yourself is how would you perceive that? Although I suspect you would not be inclined to expose your daughter to anything wrong. I don't equate what you would like to do as stripping for a living.

Even if you were 84 or older it's never too late to be yourself, you are a Woman you are not a girl anymore you can and should proudly be who you are. Those that love you will love you for who you really are not for who they expect you to be.

I wonder if your husband is ashamed of you and or cares more about himself than you since he seems more concerned about what others think of him than you. In other words if they think lowly of you it reflects poorly on his ability to control you in public so at it's heart this is about him. One could say you may not rate highly in his world no matter what you do or don't do.

By the way I like it when my wife wears something sexy in public, it's nice being with a sexy woman who has chosen me above all others.

That said, it doesn't matter what my wife wears or what interests she pursues. Though I am married to her she is an independent woman as I am an independent man.

I have no doubt that as you get older you will as you are already doing today, continue to look back and reassess what matters to your identity. Coming to realise that it's okay to be you and that who you are isn't anyones business except your own. 

You will get to be yourself when you feel strongly enough about it to do so. If I were you I would start to do such things as I desire and tell him that you cannot be shamed or belittled into being someone you are not.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

My husband can be very supportive if the thing I want to do has nothing to do with being "sexy." I don't know, I think I married my dad.

Regarding sexy clothing, there is history in that. When we were dating, men would look at me all the time and sometimes he would catch them taking more than just a glance, and it would upset him. I don't think it's because he's worried about how it reflects him as he said to me, "it's for my eyes only."

I don't mind if my daughter ends up taking pole dancing or burlesque lessons as long as it strictly is a hobby, for art or exercise (like some people would get into inappropriate positions with yoga/pilates). I don't see any shame in doing it out of sheer interest. However, if she were to do it to earn a living then of course that would be a huge problem.

Most men say exactly what you've said, "it makes me feel good when men look at my wife." It's nice that you're supportive of your wife regardless if you agree with what she wants to do. 

It's very hard for me to just be myself as growing up with my dad, I feel he has conditioned me to accept that I can't do what I desire. I remember growing up, there was no room to explore my interests outside of school. I guess I will need to find inner strength or go to counseling to find it.

Thank you so much for your supportive words. I just need to reaccess what is important to me and how much of it I can take, going forward.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> I wanted to learn pole dancing for the art and exerciseQUOTE]
> 
> Are you crazy?
> 
> ...


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> hardcandy said:
> 
> 
> > I wanted to learn pole dancing for the art and exercise
> ...


There will be a day when pole dancing will be an Olympic sport.

And thanks for validating my reasons for hating marriage. Everyone should be free to choose what they want to do within in reason. 

Would I be hurting anyone by taking lessons? And please elaborate on what "growing up" means.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

What would your husband do if you told him you are just learning to pole-dance wether he likes it or not?

You said you are Asian, could you be a bit more specific. What is your religious conviction?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sorry but you made the decision to get married and become a mother. Now you live with your choices. You can hate it all you want, but you will always be a mother and your husband will always be the father of your child. 

No one made those decisions for you. Stop blaming others.

Pole dancing is not a typical hobby and is rightfully associated with the sex business. It's not your husband's fault most pole dancers are strippers. It's also not your husband's fault you don't like being a full-time parent. You gave birth to a baby and it's your JOB to give her all you have. It's what being a parent is. Doing otherwise is indeed selfish.

Grow up. You have a good husband and a good life. It's hard to sympathize with you because you really don't have much to complain about. Do some reading here, see what others are dealing with and then count your blessings.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This post sort of explains the other post. I was thinking that to want a husband to explain why he loved you could be pointing towards needing to feel valued by him more than you are. It sounds like you feel lost within your marriage, that you have no real identity, that you aren't sure what you are getting out of it. So you are searching for things to catch your interest, to help define you. Since you've always been interested in dancing, I can see how starting it up as a hobby might become very important to you.

Personally I have occasionally doubted my marriage, when we've hit a bad spot. I think it's natural to have doubts sometimes. It's whether you can push through and work out compromises for your problems that helps mould you into a better person, better spouse, better parent.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It is not marriage you hate. What is making you unhappy is living a set of rules that you do not believe in. Your life is in conflict with your core beliefs. It is probably easier to change your life than your beliefs.

MN


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Nope, never.

But obviously you aren't alone. There are a plethora of married people who should never have gotten married, or just married the wrong person.



synthetic said:


> Grow up. You have a good husband and a good life. It's hard to sympathize with you because you really don't have much to complain about. Do some reading here, see what others are dealing with and then count your blessings.


Telling somebody to "grow up" and get over their legitimate issues because some people on TAM have worse marriages is such fantastically awful advice.

This woman is talking about real, serious issues of loss of identity that can, and have, collapsed plenty of marriages. There are obviously a lot deeper issues going on here than a simple poll dancing class.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

hardcandy said:


> I wanted to learn pole dancing for the art and exercise (since I was 18, I'm 31 now and it's probably too late) but my husband disagrees and always gets upset when I bring it up. Before I had a baby, he would say that it's ****ty and improper. Now that I have a baby, he would say, "you're a mother now, how would your daughter perceive that?" as if I'd be stripping for a living.
> 
> Also, if I wear anything remotely "sexy," my husband would get upset and tells me that I would put him in a bad situation in public.
> 
> ...


Is that accurate. *Anything *you want to do your husband finds offensive.

*You are testing your husband big time.* You are picking something controversial and then decreeing your husband does not let you do anything. It's time to stop taking out issues you have with your parents on your husband. He is innocent.

At the end of the day you made choices. Did you choose a good husband? Did you make the choice to have a child knowing that he does not let you pole dance and your parents made you get married? If you were aware of you situation you then "certified" that it was all OK when you made a child.

Time to stop blaming people. If your husband is a good husband and good father, you have to do a few things:
1. Compromise. Get your freedom and enjoyment in one of the 10 billion other recreational activies on the planet that do not involve making your husband the bad guy for being uncomfortable with it.
2. Talk to yourself about the GOOD in your life instead of the bad.

Now, if you husband is a bad man, a bad person, not a good choice... That's a different story. 

But really, whether your parents pushed you into marriage or you made that choice without parental pressure, you would be facing very similar issues. Mabye a differnt guy would be OK with pole dancing, but all marriages require a give and take between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Pole dancing classes are actually quite popular and not at all just for stripper wannabes. Google classes in your area. They have them for Moms, for older women, etc...

It's a dance class and amazing exercise. What exactly is not "grown up" about that? You don't strip on the pole BTW. It's no different than going to the gym for any other activity. No different than a man wanting to go jogging or take a boxing class and his wife saying no. 


OP- you are teaching him that if he makes enough fuss you will back down. If you want things to get better you have to stand up for yourself and put your foot down.

ETA: here ya go OP, maybe show him stuff like this  
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/10-unexpected-health-benefits-pole-dancing.html


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> I couldn't just get up and leave. There's so much pressure to be married, to be a good wife, and a good mother. I have a baby and can't really just get up and be "free" now.
> 
> Marriage wasn't ever a choice for me. My family expected me to get married. My parents told me that getting married was all that they ask from me for everything that they've done for me. So growing up, finding someone I love to marry was the thing to do after graduating from college. It was just natural to me.
> 
> ...


You are NOT in control of YOUR life. You are allowing OTHERS to control it.

This has NOTHING to do with marriage and EVERYTHING to do with YOU.

Also, it sounds like you have a really crappy/inconsiderate and selfish husband........you need to address that!!!!


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Is that accurate. *Anything *you want to do your husband finds offensive.
> 
> *You are testing your husband big time.* You are picking something controversial and then decreeing your husband does not let you do anything. It's time to stop taking out issues you have with your parents on your husband. He is innocent.
> 
> ...


Listen to this guy, you're Asian and probably married an Asian and this should have been expected. You're issues are minor compared to many members of this forum were they have husbands who are plowing there best friend, not working or getting drunk every night.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Can you start off with a compromise? For example, talk to your H about you taking a different type of dance class (anything other than pole dancing, burlesque, or belly dancing). But start off with a more traditional dance class. Think of it as a warm up. 

Then, after you have spent time in that class return with talking about pole dancing classes and tell him they are strictly for him. 

Warm him up to the idea of you taking classes. Maybe that would work a little better. 

OR you can just do it anyway and tell him you are a woman, not a child. I know, you don't want to deal with the fighting...but you are either going to sit there and do nothing and complain, or you can fight to get out from under the suffocation of people telling you what you can and can't do.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Let me clear up a few things:

1) I didn't choose to be a mom. My husband was careless and I became pregnant. At the time I was nowhere near thinking about having a baby. It just happened to me. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not resentful at all that I'm now a mother. I love being a mommy. I love my child dearly and feel very blessed that she came into my life. 

2) When I say pressure from my family, I meant that there was a clear expectation of how my life should/needed to turn out: school --> college --> job --> marriage --> buy a house --> procreate

All this done.

3) I'm not blaming my husband and I understand that each person is different with their likes and dislikes. And this is why, I cannot, with good conscience, do something that my husband disagrees with. Hence, now 31 and still haven't done it.

4) I'm not picking controversial things. But I would like to know that as a person, I'm able to do what I'd like as I'm a person of good judgment. Pole dancing is only one example and it's a sport!!!! Here is another example that's not controversial. I would like to work again and my husband is unsupportive of it.

Here's history as to how I stopped working to begin with:

I met my husband at work and soon after, he quit his day job as he turned his "hobby" into a business and it was flourishing, making twice as much as his day job. I quit mine a few months later (I don't want to state the reason as I've provided so much information already that I'm afraid he might be able to read it as he knows I sometimes go on TAM). While I was looking for another job, I started helping him with his business as I have a degree in the field. I was getting a percentage for my work. So I didn't find another job as planned. Together, the business doubled in revenue within a year. However, we started fighting over work issues so I "quit" to preserve our relationship. But I would continue to give business advice. My husband is a protector and a provider so I didn't "need" to have a "job." Then we got married, and I had a lot of time so I brought up hobbies such as pole dancing (completely against it, many fights) and working: unsupportive saying that the amount I make in a year, we could make in a couple of months and that I didn't "need" to waste my time and to pursue something else. The business is from home so we are with each other which makes it bearable for me not to work.

Years passed since I stopped working outside of the home and now we have a baby who's almost 1. I have a skill set in "something" that allowed our business to even expand further and grow. With the growth, we bought a home this year (wow this was a stressful period of our lives, especially with being new parents and another story as to how he "controlled" the moving process, another story).

Now when I bring up working, he is completely against it as he doesn't trust daycare centers for fear of child abuse and I should wait till she goes to school but then he also talked about a second child in a couple years...to which I'm 50/50 on. And with daycare rejection, I'm basically not able to have free time to go and take up classes. I'm also still breastfeeding and she's almost 1...again because my husband isn't very supportive with weaning (another example and another story, am I testing my husband with this one?).

5) I bring up my dad because there is direct correlation to how I feel about my life but that's another story.

6) I support my husband's hobbies. He loves to "hobby1" so we have a decked out complete "place for hobby1" in the house. He also wants to "hobby2", he has a "place for hobby2" in the house.

I just feel he gets to be him and I just have nothing that is inherently me anymore.

7) Pole dancing obviously isn't the core issue. And yes, I have reasoned with him and shown stats, but he is just not changing his mind. 

8) I'm not ragging on my husband. He is a great man and does far more for us than he needs to. He can be "selfish" in some ways but is very giving and sacrificial in others -- aren't we all like that?

And for the good in my marriage, I feel so blessed and grateful for what I have. But, who am I now? There is no me anymore. Sure, I help with the business but this is and will always be HIS thing. I have no hobbies anymore. My baby takes up all of my time if I'm not picking up after her, I'm chasing after her, or caring for her. I don't even have time to take care of myself as I'm wholly responsible for my baby and when I do have some time, I just want to lie down and do nothing. 

And thank you Jacquen, loss of identity is completely right. Outside of my home, I'm nothing, no one.

I'm not in control of my life and they are correct. While you may think this has everything to do with me, aren't we all influenced by our partner? Again, how can I, with good conscience, drop baby off at daycare and go out and find a job when my husband is not supportive? Isn't that a formula for disaster? How can I just get up and book dancing lessons anyway? That's basically telling my husband that his feelings don't matter to me. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy it. 

So just for once, I want to think for myself without external pressure and have the freedom to just be...


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Boxing judge said:


> Hicks said:
> 
> 
> > Is that accurate. *Anything *you want to do your husband finds offensive.
> ...


My husband is half Asian and half white. But he has no Asian influence at all, meaning the Asian parent never instilled any Asian cultural practices, values, etc. He is simply American.

Now, I find it quite emotionally primitive that you feel because others are in worse marriages, that I have no right to identify problems within my own that are conducive to my well-being, which ultimately affect my marriage, my husband, and my kid(s).

I would hope for the sake of your wife, family, and YOURSELF that you and other men who seem to think alike are not emotional invalidators.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hardcandy said:


> There would be too much fighting and drama if I were to just go and do it anyway regarding the pole dancing. So I just let it go as there is no compromising. It's just a hobby I'd like to have, that or burlesque dancing. I find those two things fascinating. I would never do it to make a living!
> 
> That's exactly how I feel sometimes about my husband that he's acting like my dad. To his defense, he really doesn't do anything that "offends" me but that's just how he is naturally.


Have you asked your husband if he would enjoy you pole dancing for him, in the privacy of your own home? If you made it more about something you could use to seduce him, maybe he'd come around. Are there female only pole dancing classes? That might make a difference.

If he will not go along with the pole dancing, then why not take a dance class? This would at least give you the movement to music, the physical exercise, etc.

You are not too old to start doing something like this as a hobby.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> Let me clear up a few things:
> 
> 1) I didn't choose to be a mom. My husband was careless and I became pregnant.


Anytime you chose to have sex, you're making the choice to be a parent. Sex between a fertile man and woman always comes with the chance of pregnancy, even considering the use of contraception.



hardcandy said:


> 2) When I say pressure from my family, I meant that there was a clear expectation of how my life should/needed to turn out: school --> college --> job --> marriage --> buy a house --> procreate


There is a difference between "pressure" and "I had no choice".

Your family pressured you, yes.
But you still made a choice to allow that pressure to affect your choices.

You really need to own up to YOUR choices. Right now you're taking no responsibility for the choices you made, instead blaming everyone else.

Unless somebody literally forced you into an action with the threat of immediate violence, or such other dire consequences, you made the decision to allow their pressure to affect you choices.

But they were still, at the end of the day, your choices to make.



hardcandy said:


> And this is why, I cannot, with good conscience, do something that my husband disagrees with. Hence, now 31 and still haven't done it.


And, risking coming off as redundant, that is again your choice.

You are making the choice to allow your husband's disapproval of a dance class, or your dressing, to stop you. 

You could have also taken the class anyway, or dressed in the way you like. But instead you put your husband's discomfort above your desires.

Right or wrong Hardcandy, that's the choice you made.




hardcandy said:


> I'm not in control of my life and they are correct.


You are in control of your life. Every person is in control of their life. Even a slave is on control of their life; they may be put in an terrible position of either working, or risking death if they escape, but they still have choice.

The reason you feel like you're nobody is that you have made choices that are in direct opposition of what you want in your life.

Yet you don't own up to the fact that you are 100% responsible for the choices that have led you to this place.

If you can't own that it's you who has created this life, you can't empower yourself to change the direction of your life.

Stop being in denial. Your parents are no longer the issue. Neither is your husband.

The only question you have to ask yourself right now is "why have I done this to my own life?".

Beginning to answer that will allow you to change the only person you have the power to change. You.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A job is definitely far more controversial than pole dancing. Many people are of the mind that a child should be raised by a parent. Many people think that is sexism. But there is definitely a huge controversy on this. And for you husband this represents a major adjustment to his family life...

Think about a conversation like this. Your husband's friend says "Where's your wife tonight". Answer "She's out pole dancing". Do you really think your husband wants to have a conversation like that? Do you think he wants to talk to anyone how pole dancing will one day be an olympic sport? 

Your man is dominant and you were raised to be submissive. And that is not ideal and is not working in your favor. But there is a fine line between recognition and blame.

I would run a few more hobby ideas soy you can determine if he has a problem with something "normal" such as running, joining a gym, taking a spin class, yoga... The two things you have chosen are not really good indicators of his flexibility in that they are a bit dramatic / extreme.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not getting to the core of the issue. You have lost the core of who you are with no hobbies, work, interests except those that involve your child and your husband. 

You need time alone, to your self. You need time with friends of your own. But then your husband put up the barrier that he will not allow any baby sitters.

You need to solve the baby sitter thing first. Can his parents or yours watch your child while you go out a couple of times a week? Or hire an in-home sitter who can watch your child during times when your husband is at home. That way he can be sure that there is no abuse going on.

Then sign up for dance or gymnastic classes. A lot of what is done in pole dancing take skills from both disciplines. Do get the strength, agility, rhythm etc through these things.

You do need to push back a bit on your husband so that you can do some things that you enjoy just has he has his hobbies/sports.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Is that accurate. *Anything *you want to do your husband finds offensive.
> 
> *You are testing your husband big time.* You are picking something controversial and then decreeing your husband does not let you do anything. It's time to stop taking out issues you have with your parents on your husband. He is innocent.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: Look at a compromise that can work for both of you. 



hardcandy said:


> Let me clear up a few things:
> 
> 1) I didn't choose to be a mom. My husband was careless and I became pregnant. At the time I was nowhere near thinking about having a baby. It just happened to me. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not resentful at all that I'm now a mother. I love being a mommy. I love my child dearly and feel very blessed that she came into my life.


Are you honestly blaming your husband for getting you pregnant? Did you not use birth control? Do you know how babies are made? 

You need to take responsibility for your own part in this and stop blaming your husband. It takes "two to tango" and you know the risk of pregnancy when having sex. 



hardcandy said:


> 2) When I say pressure from my family, I meant that there was a clear expectation of how my life should/needed to turn out: school --> college --> job --> marriage --> buy a house --> procreate


Again, stop blaming others for choices you made. Your family may have pressured you, but you still made the choice to go to college, get the job, get married, and have a baby. You did that, when you could have told your family no and done something different. I stood up to my family and made choices for my life that they didn't agree with. It was my choice and I didn't follow the pressure. 




hardcandy said:


> 4) I'm not picking controversial things. But I would like to know that as a person, I'm able to do what I'd like as I'm a person of good judgment. Pole dancing is only one example and it's a sport!!!! Here is another example that's not controversial. I would like to work again and my husband is unsupportive of it.


Is it financially a good decision if you work again? Childcare is expensive(half your pay check going to daycare?), so logically it may be better for you to be home with the baby. If you are looking for more adult interaction, join other moms in playdates/meetups. Maybe look for a part-time job that is only on the weekend when your husband can watch your child. There are a lot of ways to compromise there, with something that can work for both of you. 



hardcandy said:


> I'm also still breastfeeding and she's almost 1...again because my husband isn't very supportive with weaning (another example and another story, am I testing my husband with this one?).


Breastfeeding is very healthy for the baby(anti-bodies passed through breast milk, easily digestible, etc.) and yourself(changes your hormones/keeping them steady and lessens cancer risks, etc.), but you need to take control of your decisions, too. This is another choice you make, as you choose to continue to breastfeed and blame your husband for not being able to stop. If you really don't want to nurse, then talk to him and stop(wean baby off). My son is 15 months old and still nursing. There are days I hate it and days I love it, but it's been a great help financially to save money and has kept my son from getting sick. If it wasn't working well for us, I would slowly wean him after telling my husband. 



hardcandy said:


> And for the good in my marriage, I feel so blessed and grateful for what I have. But, who am I now? There is no me anymore. Sure, I help with the business but this is and will always be HIS thing. I have no hobbies anymore. My baby takes up all of my time if I'm not picking up after her, I'm chasing after her, or caring for her. I don't even have time to take care of myself as I'm wholly responsible for my baby and when I do have some time, I just want to lie down and do nothing.


There are dance classes where you can involve the baby. I took a babywearing ballet class that was really fun. I enjoy hiking, so I put my son on my back in a carrier and go hiking with him. I take him jogging in the stroller in the morning. Having a baby doesn't mean your life stops. You just have to look for ways to make it work, whether you include the baby or choose times that work well for childcare(husband or family can watch baby). During your daughter's nap time, you have time for you. What do you do during that time? Stop making excuses and take control of your life.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

i think you went from daddy's little girl to your husband's wife, without going through "free and crazy young woman", is that right?


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> Let me clear up a few things:
> 
> 1) I didn't choose to be a mom. My husband was careless and I became pregnant. At the time I was nowhere near thinking about having a baby. It just happened to me. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not resentful at all that I'm now a mother. I love being a mommy. I love my child dearly and feel very blessed that she came into my life.


WRONG. As a woman, YOU are the gate keeper. You got pregnant because you let your husband go inside of you without a condom. 

There is also a thing called abortion.

It's as much as YOUR fault as it is your husband.

Take responsibility FOR that.




hardcandy said:


> 2) When I say pressure from my family, I meant that there was a clear expectation of how my life should/needed to turn out: school --> college --> job --> marriage --> buy a house --> procreate
> 
> All this done.


No, that's simply what most parents TEACH their kids. It's up to individual to figure what they want in THEIR life.

They did NOT have a gun to your head and forced into ANY of this.

You did it YOURSELF.





hardcandy said:


> 3) I'm not blaming my husband and I understand that each person is different with their likes and dislikes. And this is why, I cannot, with good conscience, do something that my husband disagrees with. Hence, now 31 and still haven't done it.
> 
> 4) I'm not picking controversial things. But I would like to know that as a person, I'm able to do what I'd like as I'm a person of good judgment. Pole dancing is only one example and it's a sport!!!! Here is another example that's not controversial. I would like to work again and my husband is unsupportive of it.


Do what you want, but that is really low/not classy....especially as a mother.

Yes I would be ashamed if my wife was to participate in such activity.

At what point did this become NORMAL. Blows my mind.

Your husband is unsupportive of it because HE LOVES YOU. It KILLS him to see his beloved wife participate in such degrading activity.

You are THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE and a MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN.......this hurts him VERY much (I guarantee it). Heck forget about hurt....it KILLS HIM INSIDE.



hardcandy said:


> Now when I bring up working, he is completely against it as he doesn't trust daycare centers for fear of child abuse and I should wait till she goes to school but then he also talked about a second child in a couple years...to which I'm 50/50 on. And with daycare rejection, I'm basically not able to have free time to go and take up classes. I'm also still breastfeeding and she's almost 1...again because my husband isn't very supportive with weaning (another example and another story, am I testing my husband with this one?).


He is right. YOu know how I know? We did exact same thing. Wife raised the kids as ......why have kids when you are not going to raise them.

Anyways, we jeoperdized A LOT to do so, and THANK GOD.

My wife works at daycare now and OUR deepest fears were true all along. There is verbal AND physical abuse going on. We are talking one of the most reputable places AROUND HERE. And to make things worst, her owners/bosses do NOTHING ABOUT IT as they pay very little and they struggle to find new bodies, so they simply allow this sort of thing to go on.

My wife is simply APPALLED on daily basis. It's crazy if you were to hear what goes on in this place.



hardcandy said:


> 5) I bring up my dad because there is direct correlation to how I feel about my life but that's another story.
> 
> 6) I support my husband's hobbies. He loves to "hobby1" so we have a decked out complete "place for hobby1" in the house. He also wants to "hobby2", he has a "place for hobby2" in the house.
> 
> I just feel he gets to be him and I just have nothing that is inherently me anymore.


Ok, so there is about 1 million other things you can find.....that are not degrading and inappropriate.




hardcandy said:


> 7) Pole dancing obviously isn't the core issue. And yes, I have reasoned with him and shown stats, but he is just not changing his mind.


He shouldn't, I would stand firm on this too. No I would be VERY against my wife participating in such activities.

That's because I RESPECT HER and love her!




hardcandy said:


> 8) I'm not ragging on my husband. He is a great man and does far more for us than he needs to. He can be "selfish" in some ways but is very giving and sacrificial in others -- aren't we all like that?
> 
> 
> And for the good in my marriage, I feel so blessed and grateful for what I have. But, who am I now? There is no me anymore. Sure, I help with the business but this is and will always be HIS thing. I have no hobbies anymore. My baby takes up all of my time if I'm not picking up after her, I'm chasing after her, or caring for her. I don't even have time to take care of myself as I'm wholly responsible for my baby and when I do have some time, I just want to lie down and do nothing.


Marriage and PARENTHOOD is NOT about ME.

It's about US/team.....there is NO MORE YOU. Forget about it.

To an extent of course......

EVerything you talk about are normal feelings when you have a small child (as a parent).

Relax, thing will get easier/better. You are learning the hard way how to be a parent. It's going to be a never ending learning process.

Take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself.




hardcandy said:


> I'm not in control of my life and they are correct. While you may think this has everything to do with me, aren't we all influenced by our partner? Again, how can I, with good conscience, drop baby off at daycare and go out and find a job when my husband is not supportive? Isn't that a formula for disaster? How can I just get up and book dancing lessons anyway? That's basically telling my husband that his feelings don't matter to me. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy it.
> 
> So just for once, I want to think for myself without external pressure and have the freedom to just be...


Stop blaming everyone around you.

Your partner is not supportive in ONE WAY (pole dancing)....and as a man that respects and loves his wife, he shouldn't be. 

Find something else for gods sakes and go nuts. I'm sure he will be thrilled if you find a hobby.

You HAVE to be considerate of your husband and your family, with WHATEVER you do.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes. 

How would you feel if your husband joined a "pimp group". Ohh don't worry, it's just harmless act. They just act like pimps.

Don't you understand? It's not ok to be engaging into certain activities when you are a mother/married.

For example, going clubbing or to the bars. Not exactly a place for married people with kids. Is it? Mostly for people that like to do drugs/party and get laid. And SURE, there are SOME that like to just go there and dance.....but MAJORITY fall into what I described.

I hope you understand....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> i think you went from daddy's little girl to your husband's wife, without going through "free and crazy young woman", is that right?


I like this, you might have just hit a nail on the head.

hehe


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

jaquen said:


> hardcandy said:
> 
> 
> > Let me clear up a few things:
> ...


By choice, I mean we didn't talk about having a baby and decided it was time to try to conceive like a normal couple would.

I don't understand how my post tells you that I take no responsibility for the life I created? Then what have I been doing doing the past 10 months and surely many years to come? I'm simply asking if there will ever be a balance of being a mother and being myself and being a wife.

I clearly understand that I'm responsible and this is what makes me conflicted but I only have a say up to a point. And for this reason, I hate marriage at times: I constantly have a parallel force that dictates my path. Also, I'm well aware that by not doing something about it, I'm still making a choice. But I'm conflicted, I want to do what I want vs what I should do. Sure, I can do something about it today and tell my husband, "I'm gonna take pole dancing lessons or finding a job," but where would this lead us? Clearly not happy land.

I hate the fact that I went from my dad's arms to my husband's, again another story.

I don't blame you for not understanding over a few posts on the internet and you don't have my experiences and feel the emotions I do, but I still greatly appreciate your reply as it allows me to express myself and have someone listen and that feels QUITE GOOD!


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> i think you went from daddy's little girl to your husband's wife, without going through "free and crazy young woman", is that right?


Ah yes, this is it. But I don't necessary want the "crazy" part. Just free.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The 'formula' is as follows:

1. get good grades in school
2. go to college and major in something 'lucrative'.
3. get married.
4. have kids
5. get a nice house.
6. get your kids to do the same.
7. retire on the links as early as you can and play golf until you get a heart attack.

Now notice, there is nothing wrong with the formula in and of itself.
everything listed is a good thing (or can be).

so what's wrong? it's this: that this is what society and culture tell us will make us happy and then we do it because we think it will make us happy and it doesn't. rather than choose a discerning path, we often just do it because that's 'what we're suppose to do'.

I've always admired people who buck the system and figure out a way to survive without the formula. You'd better be prepared though for the headwinds because your going to get scorn and resistance. And don't complain about it. Just 'do it'.

and find your own way to happiness.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Why do I sense that in some of these posts people are aggressively speaking to me? 

I never blamed anyone for anything. I'm clearly expressing what happened and that was what happened!

Again, I can't expect anyone to understand as you're not in my shoes and don't know the history of the 31 years of my life.

RE: POLE DANCING
There is a huge misunderstanding! You don't strip on the pole. You use the pole to gain strength and muscle to do cool tricks. It's a form of exercise and art. Clearly, I'm not irresponsible and going at night to dance on a pole for an audience so the talk with friends wouldn't even exist. I never mentioned going to bars or clubs and I dislike both. There are gyms or studio for pole dancing lessons DURING THE DAY with other ladies learning to do the same thing.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

hardcandy said:


> Sure, I can do something about it today and tell my husband, "I'm gonna take pole dancing lessons or finding a job," but where would this lead us? Clearly not happy land.


Where does keeping things the same lead you? 

I'm shocked at some of the answers, if you were a man who's wife wouldn't let him work or go to the gym or get a babysitter for grown up time it would have much different responses. 

Being able to go do your own thing (I wish people would google pole dancing as a dance/art and not just think it's trashy. It's beautiful and all kinds of women do it!) 
Being able to get a job, get a babysitter, etc would really help with that trapped feeling and be able to enjoy motherhood and marriage a lot more. It's a win/win for everyone and your husband should understand that.


----------



## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are not getting to the core of the issue. You have lost the core of who you are with no hobbies, work, interests except those that involve your child and your husband.
> 
> You need time alone, to your self. You need time with friends of your own. But then your husband put up the barrier that he will not allow any baby sitters.
> 
> ...


So I mentioned that house we bought -- it's out of state and no where near family. I think I do let my husband tip the balance scale.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> By choice, I mean we didn't talk about having a baby and decided it was time to try to conceive like a normal couple would.


Billions of human beings have been conceived the way your child was. You're far from being alone and aren't much different than any other "normal couple" 



hardcandy said:


> I don't understand how my post tells you that I take no responsibility for the life I created?


Because you use language like this:



hardcandy said:


> will [there] ever be a balance of being a mother and being myself and being a wife.





hardcandy said:


> I only have a say up to a point.





hardcandy said:


> I constantly have a parallel force that dictates my path.





hardcandy said:


> I'm basically not able to have free time to go and take up classes.





hardcandy said:


> I just feel he gets to be him and I just have nothing that is inherently me anymore.





hardcandy said:


> I don't even have time to take care of myself





hardcandy said:


> So just for once, I want to think for myself without external pressure and have the freedom to just be...





hardcandy said:


> I'm not in control of my life and they are correct.


This is language just from your last couple of posts. I could continue.

Somebody who realizes that they ultimately have full control over their life doesn't use this king of language.

You seem to confuse your husband's wants, your father's wants, your family's expectations, the external pressures, with YOUR ability to choose. 

You have full control over your life. The fact that you don't think you do speaks volumes.

You could, for example, decide to abandon your child, your husband, and start a new life in a new city tomorrow. The best choice? No. But it is A choice.

The choice you're making now, the choice you've been making all your life, is to put other people's expectations, wants, dreams, desires, and goals ahead of your own.

So the only question I'm asking is *why do you keep making that choice?*





hardcandy said:


> Clearly not happy land.


Are you in happy land now?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> *There will be a day when pole dancing will be an Olympic sport.*
> 
> And thanks for validating my reasons for hating marriage. Everyone should be free to choose what they want to do within in reason.
> 
> Would I be hurting anyone by taking lessons? And please elaborate on what "growing up" means.


Sweet then I will have reason to watch 

But seriously I wouldn't just envy the other side. " the grass is always greener" is a expression that's been around a long time and has merit because it is so often true


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> By choice, I mean we didn't talk about having a baby and decided it was time to try to conceive like a normal couple would.


Stop dwelling on the past. What's done is done.

You played as big of a role in that as he did. Many would argue this and say that YOU PLAYED BIGGER ROLE AS A WOMAN!!!



hardcandy said:


> I don't understand how my post tells you that I take no responsibility for the life I created? Then what have I been doing doing the past 10 months and surely many years to come? I'm simply asking if there will ever be a balance of being a mother and being myself and being a wife.


Look, it's completely normal human behavior to want things you can't have.

Stop thinking about yourself, that's selfish. You are a WIFE and then a MOTHER.

Those are your priorities, in that order. Focus on that.

You already made a commitment, NOW it's time for you to live up to it.

Everything you say = I don't want to.



hardcandy said:


> I clearly understand that I'm responsible and this is what makes me conflicted but I only have a say up to a point. And for this reason, I hate marriage at times: I constantly have a parallel force that dictates my path. Also, I'm well aware that by not doing something about it, I'm still making a choice. But I'm conflicted, I want to do what I want vs what I should do. Sure, I can do something about it today and tell my husband, "I'm gonna take pole dancing lessons or finding a job," but where would this lead us? Clearly not happy land.
> 
> I hate the fact that I went from my dad's arms to my husband's, again another story.
> 
> I don't blame you for not understanding over a few posts on the internet and you don't have my experiences and feel the emotions I do, but I still greatly appreciate your reply as it allows me to express myself and have someone listen and that feels QUITE GOOD!


You should NOT be married. Do your husband/child a favor and divorce him NOW.

Then go ahead and find exactly what the world is about. 

Look, your brain constantly tell ALL OF US crazy ****, things we shouldn't be thinking, etc ....its YOUR JOB to deflect/ignore and focus on what matters.

If I was to listen to my brain/thoughts, I would be a cheater.....worst person ever....murderer.....amongst MANY other things


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Where does keeping things the same lead you?





jaquen said:


> Are you in happy land now?


Our marriage is pretty good. Other than the new-to-parenthood issues, we're doing well. We've accomplished so much together in such a short time and I'm very proud of us.

I didn't make this thread to complain about my marriage. I did it to seek feedback for my personal conflict that sometimes, I just want to escape in the night and be FREE. I never got to be me, going from daddy's arms into husband's arms.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I have to say that while I do appreciate all the responses, some of them are just over the edge so I will just ignore them. I don't understand some of the correlations that were made, but thank you anyway.

I feel that everyone on TAM needs to tread carefully when giving advice because you don't know who might be desperate/vulnerable enough to heed them.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

It just sounds like you're tired of being a mother and a wife. Some people don't understand the change the children bring to their life. It's difficult especially when the children are very young. 

You feel as though you don't matter. No one sees you. You don't contribute. You are a glorified housekeeper. 

Your child consumes your life and you feel that you have no more time for you. 

I get it. I am a SAHM. 

Difference is. I make time for me. I put my kids on a schedule that allows me to have 3-4 hours a night to myself or to spend with my H. I can do hobbies or whatever else I want to do. 

YOU have to MAKE it happen. You are blaming everyone and everything around you because you're depressed. You made choices to get where you are today. No one held a gun to your head or threatened you. 

You are a people pleaser and that is why you are miserable. You won't do for yourself in fear of p*ssing someone else off. You should stop worrying about that so much. 

I understand your H's insecurity of pole dancing. Most people who choose that are NOT doing it for the art form. While it is up and coming, it's still not mainstream. So many are still very uncomfortable with it.

So, compromise for a while. You do have a child to think about. You do have a H to think about, but you have to think of yourself too. 

But you have to quit the whole "Woe is me" "No one let's me do anything" tantrum. You're 31. Take control of your life.

As I understand it now, everything I've read, you're the one that did this. Not anyone else.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

hardcandy said:


> O I never got to be me, going from daddy's arms into husband's arms.


When your child gets older, you will have more time. They become very independent. You just need to be patient and learn to do what you can for now.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> Our marriage is pretty good. Other than the new-to-parenthood issues, we're doing well. We've accomplished so much together in such a short time and I'm very proud of us.
> 
> I didn't make this thread to complain about my marriage. I did it to seek feedback for my personal conflict that sometimes, I just want to escape in the night and be FREE. I never got to be me, going from daddy's arms into husband's arms.


Honestly HardCandy your words do not sound like somebody in a happy, strong marriage with just a couple of small issues.

But hey, I'll drop the attempt to dig deeper.

If your only real issue is that you need a little freedom, then pick a day this week or next, tell the hubbie he's going to have to watch your child alone, and go out and do whatever it is that makes you feel "FREE".

There you go. You said you realize that it's your choices that have landed you here, then make the choice to go out and have a good time regardless of how your husband reacts.

Everyone deserves, and has the right to, some time to themselves. Every single person.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> hardcandy said:
> 
> 
> > Sure, I can do something about it today and tell my husband, "I'm gonna take pole dancing lessons or finding a job," but where would this lead us? Clearly not happy land.
> ...


That babysitter sounds so nice! But alas, my husband does not trust any type of babysitting.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> That babysitter sounds so nice! But alas, my husband does not trust any type of babysitting.


Can you blame him? I believe trust needs to be earned. 

Paying someone does simply BUY trust and since most baby sitters are low paid workers.....it's hard to ask them to CARE.

HOWEVER< he should be able to watch the kids himself and give you free time.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

jaquen said:


> hardcandy said:
> 
> 
> > Our marriage is pretty good. Other than the new-to-parenthood issues, we're doing well. We've accomplished so much together in such a short time and I'm very proud of us.
> ...


Not having time to myself, the freedom to just be is a huge thing. If you take that away, we are happy together. Marital happiness is different to personal happiness for me. If one dissects our marriage, we are happy together. If one looks at me as a person, by myself I'm not quite happy. You can be happy in a marriage but not quite happy with yourself right? I'm not sure if that makes sense.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> Marital happiness is different to personal happiness for me.



Marital happiness is a vital part of my personal happiness. If my marriage wasn't right, no matter how great I was in other areas, that would be an enormous blow to my personal sense of happiness, to my well being. I never "hate being married", so when someone uses that kind of language, it's a huge red flag to me. Others obviously think differently.

But back to the topic you want to discuss, again, what's stopping you from picking a day this week or next and telling your husband you're going out for some much needed free time and that he needs to watch your child?


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> You are a people pleaser and that is why you are miserable. You won't do for yourself in fear of p*ssing someone else off. You should stop worrying about that so much.
> 
> I understand your H's insecurity of pole dancing. Most people who choose that are NOT doing it for the art form. While it is up and coming, it's still not mainstream. So many are still very uncomfortable with it.
> 
> ...


You're very correct in some of the things you wrote but not quite in others.

I'm not a people pleaser, quite far from it. However, I value peace within my marriage and always need to do what is right. 

My desire to pole dance was there before I met my husband and didn't just creep out of nowhere recently. I've been with my husband for 6ish years and married for 2.5 years. Again, it has NOTHING to do with sex.

Now you're just being overly dramatic with your generalizations. And you being a woman, wife, and a mother, I'm disappointed that you feel you have the right to use a condescending tone to address my valid issues, whether or not you agree with it.


----------



## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

jaquen said:


> hardcandy said:
> 
> 
> > Marital happiness is different to personal happiness for me.
> ...


Why is it so difficult to explain that being married has its restrictions? There are pros and cons to every situation, right?


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> m not a people pleaser, quite far from it. However, I value peace within my marriage and always need to do what is right.


You are very much a people pleaser... wanting to please your parents and do what is expected. Wanting to please your husband instead of asserting yourself with what you need. I think you need to be able to see that in yourself and take ownership of it. 

Stop the pity party and plan things to do for yourself.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

DoF said:


> hardcandy said:
> 
> 
> > That babysitter sounds so nice! But alas, my husband does not trust any type of babysitting.
> ...


We moved from a city to a suburban area in another state half the country away. In the city, I never needed to drive so I haven't driven in about 10 years now, that's how old my driver's license is.

If I need to go anywhere alone, I'd have to drive and since I'm a little rusty with driving and again this is a different state, I'd need to "relearn" how to drive, which I'm planning to do soon after we have "settled" in.

We just moved to the new state, going on 3 months now. So there's no family nor friends.

So I can't just schedule a day to go out. Additionally, I'm wholly responsible for my baby, that means my husband has never put her to sleep or feed her or bathe her. She also nurses for comfort and she can only go so long without me.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> hardcandy said:
> 
> 
> > m not a people pleaser, quite far from it. However, I value peace within my marriage and always need to do what is right.
> ...


That's funny because if I were trying to please my parents, I would have lived with them after marriage, never moved out state, open a business with them, and not marry my husband because he isn't fully Asian, etc..

When I wrote this post, I'm talking about the pressure of a life that is "formulated." 

But anyway, everyone has their own opinions.

Though, you need to stop feeling the need to label, judge, and generalize.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> The 'formula' is as follows:
> 
> 1. get good grades in school
> 2. go to college and major in something 'lucrative'.
> ...


Yes, and this is exactly why I wrote this post. Why do we have to get married? Why do we have to have a house? Kids? Why can't we just be "deemed" just as successful without these check points?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> So I can't just schedule a day to go out. Additionally, I'm wholly responsible for my baby, that means my husband has never put her to sleep or feed her or bathe her. She also nurses for comfort and she can only go so long without me.


Pump a bottle of breast milk, give it to your husband, and go out for 3 or 4 hours. Both of you are parents and he can step in to do some of the parenting duties. You allowed him to not help out with the baby, so put your foot down for him to take some of the responsibility. My son never touched formula, but I still worked part-time(opposite schedule of my husband) and went out occasionally(husband took care of our son). I had pumped milk for our son. My husband did things differently than I would and that's ok. Our son adjusted and could be comforted by either parent. 

You have an excuse for everything. 

Stop making excuses and look for ways to make it work out.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> Yes, and this is exactly why I wrote this post. Why do we have to get married? Why do we have to have a house? Kids? Why can't we just be "deemed" just as successful without these check points?


We don't have to. Some may expect others to do these things but no one's obligated to live their life to pacify others.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

hardcandy said:


> Now you're just being overly dramatic with your generalizations. And you being a woman, wife, and a mother, I'm disappointed that you feel you have the right to use a condescending tone to address my valid issues, whether or not you agree with it.


Am I? Because it would seem I have plenty of time for myself even with 3 kids. I don't feel like everyone around me made those decisions for me. I had a hand it and I am responsible for it. I also have time for my hobbies and everything else I want...again, because I CHOSE to do it.

I am not using a condescending tone. I am trying to help you. You are in the mindset that you have no control over all of this...

And I can see now that you will use excuses and push people back who try and offer you reasonable ways out of it. I think you like the misery you're in, because you're surely not fighting hard enough to get out of it. 

You've only been married 2.5 years.....If you don't change now...you will end up hurting yourself and/or your family.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I'm not excusing. I'm writing what the situation is.

I tried pumping and it didn't produce enough and started hurting me severely that I quit nursing for a bit. My baby eats solids now and only nurses for comfort more than nutrition. 

I didn't allow him to not doing anything. We were in survival mode when our newborn arrived and it was easier for that I take care of baby, and he takes care of everything else. So after the hardest first few weeks, we kind of settled in this. 

Alright, somehow I attracted a group of people that knows more about me than myself.

I thank everyone that contributed and some of your insight helped. I can't respond anymore as this topic went a different route where people are analyzing me as a person and I just don't have the time to explain every bit of detail that gets labeled an excuse anyway.

All in all, I'm frustrated about the cultural pressures that dictate how our life should be. But that is "life", right? This was what I initially wanted to talk about. 

Thanks again all .


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

hardcandy said:


> So I can't just schedule a day to go out. Additionally, I'm wholly responsible for my baby, that means my husband has never put her to sleep or feed her or bathe her. She also nurses for comfort and she can only go so long without me.



Make your H responsible for the baby for a while. 

You know what I did when my H wouldn't take charge...I handed him the baby and a bottle...then I grabbed the keys to the truck and walked out the door. 

I text him after I left where I was going and what I was doing. He had NO CHOICE but to watch the baby. If I didn't get out of the house I was going to explode - so I MADE it happen. 

Guess what? Both of them survived.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

hardcandy said:


> I'm not excusing. I'm writing what the situation is.
> 
> I tried pumping and it didn't produce enough and started hurting me severely that I quit nursing for a bit. My baby eats solids now and only nurses for comfort more than nutrition.
> 
> ...



Again, no one forced you to get married and if you don't like it...divorce him. That is also a choice you have. Freedom is amazing isn't it?


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I did not even bother reading all 7 pages. However, in my city, we have several without studios that focus on striptease workouts - no men allowed, very private. They are extremely popular.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> Why is it so difficult to explain that being married has its restrictions? There are pros and cons to every situation, right?



I'm not sure you realize that everybody's marriage isn't marked by "restrictions" to anywhere near the degree yours is.

For example if my wife wanted to take a pole dancing class, I wouldn't expect her to ask my permission. I'd expect her to sign up for the class and let me know what day she's going in so I can be aware of her whereabouts, just for safety reasons.

There are very, very few "restrictions" in our marriage and ALL of them are mutually agreed upon. Nobody makes the other person do anything.

We created a marriage that works for both of us. Not just mutually for one. That, IMO, isn't a correct, healthy expression of marriage.

So if your marriage isn't built to allow you basic enjoyments like hobbies or free time, then change that. I personally wouldn't even be in a marriage where those things were on the table for negotiation.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

hardcandy said:


> Yes, and this is exactly why I wrote this post. Why do we have to get married? Why do we have to have a house? Kids? Why can't we just be "deemed" just as successful without these check points?


So why did you get married, you stated before that you moved out of state, lived on your own and opened your own business. So who pressured you to get married? It wasn't society, as you've seen here most people are reinforcing it was your choice and only your choice, that was responsible for your marriage. 

So far you seem to be frustrated at those who are basically telling you to stop making excuses for your predicament. You shoot down those who are trying to support you having some quality alone time. How, if you feel you can't drive, do you expect to get to pole dancing classes? Would your husband have to drive you? If you truly wanted freedom you would embrace the abity to become self sufficient, not rebuke it. 

This thread, to me doesn't seem to be about whether you can dress sexy in public or pole dance, it's about you needing some independence. How, or what you do with that time, well that's a mute point to me. How old is your baby? Have you considered your suffering from post partum depression? I personally think you should see an IC and soon. Is it just recently you've been feeling the need to dress sexier? Could it be that as a mom your looking to reclaim your sexuality?

As a mother to four amazing kids and one with special needs, I know what house bound feels like. I can't suggest IC any more strongly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I had felt sympathy for you, but with later posts you start sounding very defensive against the people who have very good advise for you.

You complain about life and cultural pressure, and then when someone tells you to stop complaining, start doing something about it, you say 'but that's life, isn't it?". I think you dream of the freedom but you are also scared of it. You are like a bird in the cage.

I've been where you are now - the first three years of child life are very demanding. For the first time ever I didn't not work, I also didn't not have any family around. I am not a mommy type, I felt very unhappy. I still do not like to think about those years when my kids were under three. But my husband was much more supportive. he would stay with a baby so I could go shopping or to the gym. 

To do what right for your family does also mean to take care of yourself too, so you are happy mother and happy wife. 
If you do not do that, you will be building resentment towards your husband, and you can read it here on TAM, what a killer this is for marriages. Your husband has to start understanding that too, instead of putting bunch of rules and expectations on you. He doesn't trust babysitter? Fine, leave the baby with him and go to they gym. He must understand that it is very hard to be around the little child 24/7, you just physically and mentally need a break to be a better mother. And child also needs bonding time with daddy. They will survive. Your husband will maybe start appreciating the reality of your every day life.

You need to stand up to your husband in order to save the marriage. Otherwise all there will be left is resentment. You had to give up jobs for him, now he wants you to be locked up home with baby, wihtout opportunity to go out. Rather unreasonable.

Baby is one year old, perfect time to wean it. Start working on teaching baby alternate way to fall asleep instead of breast, there is very good book "Good night, sleep tight" . This may take a while, but it is your first step to become more free and happier person. 

If pole dancing is too much for your hubby for now, do another class - dance, zumba, aerobic, etc. Don't do that crap "either pole dancing or I just stay home and be resentful". Apparently you need physical activity, go, get the energy out, oxygen in. They are natural anti-depressant. yes, i think you still have a baby blues, now they are realizing that it doens't end at few weeks, it may go for years. 

and for unbelievers - pole dancing is a great work out! we did it once as girls night out on saturday, paid for private class. It was fun, but it was work out. they just make it look so easy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hardcandy said:


> That babysitter sounds so nice! But alas, my husband does not trust any type of babysitting.


Then your husband should be able to watch your child for a few hours a week while you go out and do some things on your own, like take a dance or gymnastics class. 

Go to google and look up images for "gymnastics pole". Just like gymnastics use "horses" and other props, the sport also uses poles. You should be able to get in the pole work you want to do in taking gymnastics.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Just sometimes?? 

Knowing what I know now...yes I would absolutely avoid marriage.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

hardcandy said:


> I'm not excusing. I'm writing what the situation is.
> 
> I tried pumping and it didn't produce enough and started hurting me severely that I quit nursing for a bit. My baby eats solids now and only nurses for comfort more than nutrition.
> 
> ...


It can be helpful to put "vent" in the title if that is what you want. Makes it clear what the point is. But to your question, it sure as hell is not my life! Culture can blow as far as I am concerned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hardcandy said:


> We moved from a city to a suburban area in another state half the country away. In the city, I never needed to drive so I haven't driven in about 10 years now, that's how old my driver's license is.
> 
> If I need to go anywhere alone, I'd have to drive and since I'm a little rusty with driving and again this is a different state, I'd need to "relearn" how to drive, which I'm planning to do soon after we have "settled" in.
> 
> ...


I completely get what you are struggling with. You need to nurture yourself. You need some time to do things that you enjoy.

It's completely unreasonable that your husband gives zero help with his own child. She's getting old enough for your husband to start taking some responsibility. He can learn to change a diaper, put her to bed, feed her, etc. You can express milk for bottles. She could take some feedings via bottle.

You really do need to put relearning to drive at the top of your list as this will give you much more freedom. You can take your daughter and go out to do things. Check out meetup.com and find things your interested in. For example here where I live there are several groups for SAHM's so that their kids can play together and the moms can get some adult socializing in. It would be a good way for you to meet other women in your same situation.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Exactly - find the local mommy's club, this will be your life saver. It was mine, at least I got to go out, and talk to some adults. Maybe you even make some friendship, if not, you spend at least some times with adults, learn few tips about making your life easier, your kid will have a playdate. soon this will be important part of baby day.

If mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> I tried pumping and it didn't produce enough and started hurting me severely that I quit nursing for a bit. My baby eats solids now and only nurses for comfort more than nutrition.
> 
> I didn't allow him to not doing anything. We were in survival mode when our newborn arrived and it was easier for that I take care of baby, and he takes care of everything else. So after the hardest first few weeks, we kind of settled in this.


Well, you can change the dynamic now though. Just because that's how you started off, doesn't mean it has to be that way forever. If pumping didn't work out(usually it's an issue with the flange), then supplement with formula. A bottle of formula once in a while won't cause any problems, so use it to your advantage. 



hardcandy said:


> All in all, I'm frustrated about the cultural pressures that dictate how our life should be. *But that is "life", right? *This was what I initially wanted to talk about.
> 
> Thanks again all .


No, that's not "life". Life is what you make of it. It's a series of choices and some circumstances(illness, accidents, other things not in our control) that make up life. You can change many things in your life to make yourself happier, but you choose not to. Instead you throw yourself a pity party(woe is me) and make excuses for why things are the way they are. If that is how you want to live life, well, have at it, but don't think that is the only way to go about things.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

hardcandy-

Your husband has his hobby's at home. It can't be all that expensive to have a little space to install a pole. For now....


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

So in general I am down with pole dancing, but if I were your husband I would be worried. You have major daddy issues. You dress provacatively in public (even when your husband tells you it makes him uncomfortable). You don't appear to recognize your agency in sexual situations- things just seem to "happen" to you. You're clearly unhappy with where you are in life. I think you want to put yourself out in the market sexually to see if something just "happens". Pole dancing is just one part of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I said I wasn't going to post anymore but...I feel so misunderstood.

I won't be on the defense if I'm not put there. 

I'm not looking for sympathy. Perhaps just understanding. And if one doesn't agree with me, one can respectfully express oneself without calling me a people pleaser, a child, etc...

Daddy issues? What daddy issues? Please clarify. These labels without examples are just a stab at my character. And what such bold accusation that I want to put myself out there sexually -- this is beyond ridiculous that I'm not even going to touch up on it.

I have a certain style and my body is a shape that I need to dress to complement it. I have big breasts and a booty and hips, and a small waist. However, I'm petite so I have to dress a certain way to enhance my physical appearance. There will be some cleavage showing, there will be tight jeans, there will be heels (I'm only 5'1 and hubby is 6'3!!) and there will be some make-up on my face and men will glance. Now why am I getting the blame for my husband's inability to remain calm when men look at me? The way I dress has and is always the same; it was the same when my husband met me and he wasn't complaining then.

His hobby is body building and we have a decked out gym. Now let's say when he gets to his perfect body and we go out, women look at him, are you saying I have every right to tell him to wear bags over his hard-earned muscles because it makes me "mad?" How ridiculous is this?

And no worries about the provocative clothing now, I'm just in tshirts and sweats even in public these days.

Some of the posts are substantial with understanding and wisdom. So thank you very much for that. I should focus on these posts and ignore the others.

Regarding a pole inside the home: yeah, he isn't having any of that. I mentioned it before as part my argument and he said, "our daughter will see it."

Regarding help with the baby, so we settled in our roles. In his defense, he really does do all the work for the business and cleans the house and takes care of everything else that is not "baby." So my responsibility is baby. This setup isn't quite what I'm happy with. I'd like an equal balance of responsibilities. 

UPDATE:
I gave baby a bath earlier and mentioned to hubby that it would be nice if he can sometimes bathe her, feed her, etc. and he said, "I do everything else already, I can't also take care of her." To which, I said,"no, I can clean at times while you care for baby." Then he asked if we could talk about this later. I agreed since baby needed a nap after her bath anyway. After baby napped, I came out with her and our place is cleaned! I brought it up again and he said, "but I cleaned." And boy, he is a damn good cleaner. And he said, "let's just do what we're good at. I clean well and you're a great mom; it's just a lot easier that way." Why does he have to make sense?! But then, "I need time to myself and do things." And he said that things are only temporary and once baby is older, I can have time again. So I guess I just needed to hear that it isn't always gonna be this way. She's turning 1 soon. I hope to have good changes!

UPDATE 2:
We were in the car, he was hesitant to bring up a topic. I was like, "what, tell me." Of course, it's something he wants to do...again. So I just blurted out, "you know I still want to pole dance." And surprisingly, he said, "okay you can pole dance." I was shocked and asked if he was serious. And he said that he is and that maybe he was against it before because we lived in NYC. I then went on to explain the art of it, that there is no taking clothes off at all, blah blah. I even told him about someone I know that pole dances and is an elementary school teacher. And he was just so lighthearted about it and AGREED. Who is this new man? It makes me wonder if he had read this thread since he does know about TAM. Let's see when it happens, how he'll take it. But I'm very suspicious about this sudden change.

I joined meetup.com last month and checked out some of the mommy groups but not having driven in a decade has made me a little reluctant. In the meantime, perhaps I'll just have hubby drive me.

Yes, it looks like I indeed have to fight my way to claim my identity. Maybe the lioness in me can finally roar proudly.

This was an interesting twist of events!


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Oh btw, my baby stopped taking the bottle since month 3. I used to give her some formula from birth because I struggled with breastfeeding. It was so painful that I couldn't nurse exclusively. I had been trying everyday since then to feed her formula but to no avail so I gave up since 7 months. She's only a couple months away from whole milk so I'm just going to hold on for just 2 more months. 

UPDATE 3:
So hubby just sat down next to me and asked if I wanted to get a pole installed in our master bedroom when baby moves into her own room. And to dance for him. What is going on?? I'm becoming increasingly suspicious now.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

hardcandy said:


> His hobby is body building and we have a decked out gym. Now let's say when he gets to his perfect body and we go out, women look at him, are you saying I have every right to tell him to wear bags over his hard-earned muscles because it makes me "mad?" How ridiculous is this?


You'd be surprised. I've gotten close to a younger guy over the last year or so who is pretty lean and in good shape. His wife of less than a year, who has some self esteem issues and isn't in anywhere near as good shape as he is, wants all his clothes to be baggy. She has a problem with him wearing anything that's not over sized and drowning the shape of his body. I'm talking even a t-shirt that's isn't remotely tight, but just fits properly and isn't a tent. Nope, too close.

And yes, it's absolutely ridiculous.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

you know, hardcandy, you have to stop being so defensive and kind of rude, just because some posters said something that you didn't like it. You are doing the same on other thread. 

Congratulations on changes at home.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think your updates reflect what people are telling you.
Advocate for yourself... it works!
Based on your updates he seems like a good person with some flaws. Everyone has flaws, but not everyone is a good person.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I don't know what happened, I didn't do anything differently. But thanks all for the support. I'm just glad that there is an end in sight to it all. :smthumbup:

And Wanda, I'm not trying to be defensive but when a person comes to a board for support and they get labeled certian names without proof, they're being wrongly judged. And no one likes to be judged, even over the internet.

Lots of people wrote things I didn't particularly like but when it doesn't sound like they are attacking me, I'm okay with it.

And there are so many ways to phrase something so that it doesn't sound offensive. For example, "It sounds like you might feel like you're a victim and feel desperate that you're blaming others" vs. "stop this pity party, woe is me attitude, and stop throwing a tantrum you're 31! ." The first sentence shows you disagree with me but you're respectful. The second is complete certainty that that I am what you say I am: not only is this rude and offensive, you're speaking to me as if I'm your child, putting yourself above me because you aren't having the same problem.

With that said, it is not right that some people feel they have the right to criticize a person that comes here for support; it's very condescending.

I'm a new user and I'm pretty sure others have felt the same way I do with some of the posts: hostile and aggressive.

I don't know, I try not to come off as offensive to people the best I can, especially over the internet. However, I feel I deserve the right to express myself if I disagree with something that is said about me rudely and if you're rude, likely I won't be peaches and strawberries back. I may not sound nice to you and you don't like it and so as a result, you asked that I "stop" with the behavior you dislike. Well in the same vein, don't I have the same right to tell you to stop it if you're being rude to me in my eyes?

For the sake of another example, "Wanda, you're douche. Get off your high horse and be nicer." That would incite emotion, no? But how about "Wanda, I feel you're not being very nice and I would like it if you'd speak to me with respect."? Obviously, I don't think that about you.

This is as best as I can explain myself, in more words than I would have liked, regarding this. If you don't like my thread, you aren't obligated to respond. And I understand that I have the same right to ignore if I don't like a post instead of responding "defensively."

I apologize that I may not sound nice to you, but I'm, too, a person with feelings on the other side of the internet just like you, and everyone else. And I hope for the sake of some people that when it's their turn to need support, they aren't being treated the same way.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> I agree. I never got the impression that you wanted to "put yourself out there" sexually, at all.
> 
> And you are so right about him getting his body all perfect. Is he going to walk around in a "burqa"  to cover his physique? Of course not. Neither should you have to conceal your nice shape.
> 
> ...


Burqa made me laugh out loud :lol:


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

People only respond to what you post. If you post that everyone makes you do things you don't want to do....you will be considered a people pleaser. That's not name calling...that's trying to get you to realize it. Believe it or not, it's to actually help you STOP doing that so you can be happy....


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Beautifully put FrenchFry


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Hardcandy, I know how you feel! Your husband reminds me mine. Maybe he is jealous when you are sexy and also controlling. My H did not like when I was going to zumba classes. Each time I said I am going, he got unhappy and said that I am going nowhere. I went anyway and it felt so good.  I was not doing anything bad. Long time ago, I gave up lots of my needs and desires for him...I am not the same way anymore. It hit me one day and since that day, I am asking why I am still in my marriage. Just like you, my family would be very unhappy if I asked for divorce. Now they expect a grandchild...It is just another step after 14 years of marriage.  I really hope that things get better for you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

People respons to what you post here, this is all we know about you. And how people respond shows you how you (or what you wrote here) is perceived by others. There might be valuabel lesson in this. 

your original post was very much about blaming everyone around your for your life, but you - I'm sorry , but that's how it came out. You have cleared this later, and change your tone, but we go here only by posters words, and our own experiences and more or less educated guesses.


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