# H Unresponsive To My Discomfort



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

H (of 10+ yrs) overrides/denies what makes me squirm. First problem, he admits that he has always subscribed to an absolute law that one must remain friends forever with all exes even if they are clearly enemies to the marriage. It took me years of begging for him to see the ultimate cost (I made plans to leave). Now he agrees maybe that was a dumb rule but it's still hard for him to change.

Another "rule" which maybe is related is denying feelings if they are not his. This includes not heeding warnings about danger. This has already resulted in us getting robbed both on the street and by downstairs tenants as well as caretakers on our distant forested property. I'm still amazed we were not injured or killed in any of those horrible incidents. I felt unsafe each time and he did not, so, we became victims (mostly he did, they took HIS wallet and HIS belongings).An earlier example: When I asked him to check to see if all outside doors were locked at night, his reply was "I didn't use all those doors so why should I do it?" If I was worried, that was my problem because he was NOT worried. Fortunately he reluctantly changed his view but that is an example of his thick denial and his iron-clad "rules" that kick in despite my disagreeing or telling him how awful it makes me feel. In fact his usual m.o. is not only not to validate my feelings but to actively pick a fight with me instead. It does not end well.

Now we have moved back to be near that same woodland property, which H bought 35 years ago from an ex GF's dad after H broke up with that GF. She still lives near here and, when we returned to live in this area and care for the land, became very helpful with needed chores on the land. However, she does not follow our plans (we are creating a retreat) but does things her way because "that's the way it was when my family owned it." Like, in the 1950's, 60's and 70's. For instance, I have a meadow restoration project and against my clearly stated wishes, she mowed it. Because that's what her dad did in that area back in the Sixties. (I am a Master Gardener and this is/WAS not an idle project but a genuine restoration.)

H and this ex are same age, in their late 60's, and I am in my mid-fifties 11 yrs younger than both. 

H did not confront the ex GF about destroying my meadow because he wants to stay friends with her. In the past when similar events have occurred w/ other ex GF's he has said things like "I'm more afraid of her anger than yours." ????? How angry must the wife get???

So, H is repeating his pattern of kowtowing to the "more needy" ex, despite my feelings or how it affects me, even though he has long since agreed that his favoring an exGF over me has not been healthy.

I told him that ten years of this crap is enough and I consider us on marital probation. He has the upstairs, I have the downstairs. He now says he is seeking therapy for his "irrational addiction" to appeasing, nonconfrontational, co-dependent behavior that has brought thievery and inappropriate relationships into our lives, and also his inability to validate my feelings or warnings. 

Is there a name for this condition? I've had enough of this Bluebeard's Closet terror due to lack of empathy and invasion of the exes. He always swears, every time I freak out over this stuff, that "it will never happen again." 

And then a meadow gets mowed....and it starts all over again. 

I'm exhausted.

PS Here are two more examples for the record: Once, I had just been assaulted and when (in shock) I came to him w/ that awful news, he said "That happened to me a long time ago too and I dealt with it. Just deal with it." And he walked away. I ended up getting diagnosed w/ severe PTSD due to his perceived abandonment. Another example was his not allowing me to put curtains on our huge plate glass windows despite me & my 3 teenage daughters having to hide in a closet to get undressed at night due to feeling so exposed; H sd he had a "rule" that windows should not have curtains. Finally I put up blinds that he never even noticed cuz they were up [open] during the day. But before that, the girls and I suffered for 2 years like that due to his "preference" and his jeering at our supposed fear of Peeping Toms. Also it was COLD. (I got even with him... After the blinds, I put up 3 layers of draperies due to the chill!)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Three layers of curtains to curtail the chill?

This is not enough...

The chill comes from without the window. From the environment, from the evil actions of others.
The chill comes from within...from him.

Such a cold man.
Such a cold relationship.

He lives up, you live down.
Honey, you live down, not downstairs, you live in the cellar.

He has sold you out. Frozen you out. 
And people who meet him, get to know him, see him as easy pickings. 
They fear him not, Hence, rob him and you. You, because you are 'near' him.

How is it that both, oh yeah him too, cannot live with warmth? 
Have intimate relations, not behind the new curtains, rather between the clean sheets?
How is it that you live one floor, nay, two floors apart?
................................................................................................................................................

On being robbed, assaulted, openly, at home at your 'other' home property.

I see....

I see the Seventh House [partners, open enemies] being afflicted by Third House, [home life, end of life]

These are angular and strong potentialities. And dangerous.

................................................................................................................................
You need to leave him, get away from him. He is jinxing your relationship, likely your life.

Next time, pick a safe man, in a safe house, in a safe environment, a safer life.

Likely, this is not 'quite' possible. The risk is yours' to endure.
...............................................................................................................................

You ... do know one thing......
He is not the right man for Thee.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Older man marries younger woman.
She has more common sense than him
She loves him and puts up with his crap
The only question is why are you still there?
He should be with you and you first.
Unless exs have an emergency then they
should be treated as exs. EXS are EXS 
for a reason. They should be treated as such.
If he has kids with the exs then of course 
they are first the rest should and must 
GO AWAY!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, he's not paying attention to your needs, is he?

Have you read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"? I think you would benefit from getting him to read them with you and do the work that they guide you through. He's love busting all over the place.

The bit about the exgf mowing your meadow... if I were you I'd send her a letter telling her that if she does it again you will have her prosecuted for vandalism. I'm serious. If you can get a lawyer to write it I would. I'm a Master Gardener too and get what the meadow restoration is important. It's not a lawn after all. For one thing a meadow attracts polinators and other critters that will not be attracted to a mancured lawn.

Pick your battles with her, but fight the ones that you pick tooth and nail. Maybe you could get her to stay away by doing this. If he's too much of a push over to stand up to ex'es, perhaps you can take this on.

I think that it's really not that he's afraid of their anger, after all what anger would they display if he just told them that he's a married man and dedicated to his wife? He's probably displaying KISA traits.. knight in shinning armour... wants the women to admire him becasue he's save them, the damsels in distress. It's a trait of weak men.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

So his EXes get their way, but his current wife does not? Then if you want to get Your way, you know what has to change.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> So his EXes get their way, but his current wife does not? Then if you want to get Your way, you know what has to change.


Uh, yeah--to get his attention I have to be an Ex! but I have already told him I will not be on the Happy Ex list with his phone number on speed dial for ready rescue at the drop of a hat. 

The KISA label is thus very helpful also, thank you for pointing that out above--big factor there. The stronger I am, the less I get his attention! I have to be in distress like all of his dysfunctional exes! 

Also, to clarify, the reason we moved "back here" was because I told him I was leaving. I found a house in this area, put ours on the market.... And.... we're here together because he is determined to make this work. He insisted on our moving here together. But lately I keep reminding him "I bought this house to get away from your crap and here it is starting up again, go away"--he is horrified at the thought of breaking up. Is it really so hard to change his particular set of stupid habits? really???

We have an appt tomorrow w/ a counselor


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

He enjoys torturing you, but I don't know why you allow him. How could it take 2 years to put up curtains? And why didn't you fire exgirlfriend when you moved back to her area? Why haven't you fired her yet?

You have spent your marriage looking to him to him for leadership, to be proactive, or to even be sensible, but you have found over and over that he's not a leader, he's not proactive, and he's really very stupid. You pay the price and follow his lead anyway instead of listening to yourself and doing what you know is best.

I don't know why you placed yourself in danger in those dangerous situations. He should have heeded your warnings, but he didn't, and you followed him. 

I don't really see these things as his fault. It would be nice if he were half a man capable of at least trying to protect, at least trying to be considerate of you, but how many times does it take for you to see that he's not much of anything that is worth your hardship or your heartache? You can't blame him if you don't do things those things for yourself either.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

StarFires said:


> He enjoys torturing you, but I don't know why you allow him. How could it take 2 years to put up curtains? And why didn't you fire exgirlfriend when you moved back to her area? Why haven't you fired her yet?


I texted H and the Ex in a group text canceling all further such help from her because she had done something I told her not to do as if she were in charge. He followed up, an hour later, with a phone call to her backing me up. Not good enough; I need to see that he speaks for himself. The point being--I told him--that this since-ancient-times GF knows him all too well and therefore her actions were consistent with who he has been for, oh, 40 years. She KNEW he expects others to take over. She did not anticipate me being so very different, as in, I'm in charge now, new sheriff in town, and I do for myself, you do NOT override my decisions on my property because that gives you license to rip me off. It makes you think you own the place and will be another thief in our lives. I am royally pissed at the meadow mowing and said so quite clearly in my text (indeed it is a form of theft). This is a complete shock in the long-term relationship assumptions between H and this ex. All of his exes know that he plays helpless, they play helpless, it's all about who takes advantage of whose helplessness. 

And I don't fit that mold. 

In that same phone call she apparently offered to do continuing amounts of work of all kinds on our property. 

Nope. 

H says "I can be your new deputy sheriff" and I told him, "No. I don't hire whiners. I hire doers."

I'm getting there

I am curious about his supposed enjoyment of torturing me--worth looking at. Why would he watch me suffer, object, and try to leave for ten years? Perverse indeed

As they say--most abused women try on average 7 times to leave before they succeed and I have decided it is fair to characterize this decade of b.s. as abuse. I just needed to put it in writing. I am so angry I can hardly breathe but now I can do something about it.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

StarFires said:


> He enjoys torturing you, but I don't know why you allow him. How could it take 2 years to put up curtains? .


I thought it was my obligation to please my spouse and to find the reasonable request in his preference. One does not always perceive stupidity or abusive behavior early in a relationship. I was trying to be nice. We talked about it a lot and he was so obstinate I figured, Pick your battles. After two years I just couldn't rationalize any more what was clearly just plain asinine and thoughtless. So I fixed it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Maybe the white knight will understand
that his kingdom is in danger and 
return home. Where he should be.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

When he said he was afraid of her anger more than yours it made me think that your anger is all bark and no bite. As in, you will be angry, but you will not leave him over it. If he expressed his displeasure with his ex, she may very well not talk to him again because she is likely a Plan B orbiter, flying around the outskirts of your marriage, hoping to recapture the former glory of their relationship (at least maybe he thinks this is so.) If you demanded he give up contact with all his former lovers or else you would divorce him, what would he decide? That's all you need to know.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

scatty said:


> When he said he was afraid of her anger more than yours it made me think that your anger is all bark and no bite. As in, you will be angry, but you will not leave him over it. If he expressed his displeasure with his ex, she may very well not talk to him again because she is likely a Plan B orbiter, flying around the outskirts of your marriage, hoping to recapture the former glory of their relationship (at least maybe he thinks this is so.) If you demanded he give up contact with all his former lovers or else you would divorce him, what would he decide? That's all you need to know.


1. He has a LOT of exes. The one whose anger he referred to was BPD. He was genuinely afraid of her. She was a violent alcoholic with a violent husband as well. H never defended me against her. Finally one day my nephew saw her and her H abusing me and stood up for me. I realized then that my wish for defense against the Krazy Exes was not unreasonable and an outsider could see that too.

2. I put exactly that question to him--you can have all of them and none of me. The problem is, in these abusive situations, you get pleading/bargaining and better behavior while you try to figure out how to make good on the threat and I just couldn't time it right. As I say, finally I simply signed for a house far, far away, and here I am, but here he is too. That was not the plan. Now H is backpedaling FAST and I am debating what controls have to be put in place. That is where I break down. I honestly do not know how to kick someone out of the house for real. 

How do I do this? what system of checks and threats works? He means well. He is acting all repentant now. But I don't want that to bring out the wimpy helpless crap that he uses and that lures the thieves into our lives. I want him to be strong and adult-like but it seems to me that making threats, etc., is exactly what all those Krazy Exes have done all along. I hate that that works on him. It's like he's a toddler.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

questar1 said:


> I texted H and the Ex in a group text canceling all further such help from her because she had done something I told her not to do as if she were in charge. He followed up, an hour later, with a phone call to her backing me up. Not good enough; I need to see that he speaks for himself. The point being--I told him--that this since-ancient-times GF knows him all too well and therefore her actions were consistent with who he has been for, oh, 40 years. She KNEW he expects others to take over. She did not anticipate me being so very different, as in, I'm in charge now, new sheriff in town, and I do for myself, you do NOT override my decisions on my property because that gives you license to rip me off. It makes you think you own the place and will be another thief in our lives. I am royally pissed at the meadow mowing and said so quite clearly in my text (indeed it is a form of theft). This is a complete shock in the long-term relationship assumptions between H and this ex. All of his exes know that he plays helpless, they play helpless, it's all about who takes advantage of whose helplessness.
> 
> And I don't fit that mold.
> 
> ...


Now THAT is what I'm talking about! You had to find your backbone, and now you are hell on wheels. Stay that way!

Now, that you're not allowing him to walk all over you, you just have to decide what you want in your husband and what you are not willing to tolerate. "If you cannot be a husband to me, you need to leave. I don't need to keep you around just for more of your disrespect and inconsideration." The very next time he doesn't listen to you or does A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G by way of thinking more of himself and others than he thinks of you, pack his crap, throw it out the door, and tell him to follow his garbage bags.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Post no trespassing signs on your 
property. If the exs set foot on it 
Charge them. If they do anything to your 
property without your permission
charge them. Pack him a just in case
I get stupid again bag and have it ready
for him by the door as a reminder.
It may take a little while for him to
learn but DO NOT TAKE HIS CRAP
ANYMORE. Just in case his exs call
him for something tell him to charge them 
for work done by the hour. NO MORE FREE
Stuff from him.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

StarFires said:


> Now THAT is what I'm talking about! You had to find your backbone, and now you are hell on wheels. Stay that way!
> 
> Now, that you're not allowing him to walk all over you, you just have to decide what you want in your husband and what you are not willing to tolerate. "If you cannot be a husband to me, you need to leave. I don't need to keep you around just for more of your disrespect and inconsideration." The very next time he doesn't listen to you or does A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G by way of thinking more of himself and others than he thinks of you, pack his crap, throw it out the door, and tell him to follow his garbage bags.


Yes. That. 

I am contemplating having this put in writing. If this then that. It will be used as the basis for a separation agreement should the need arise. First violation, I change the locks. On both the house and the land. 

He has already agreed. He has also agreed to a definition of marriage that doesn't echo old polyamorous hippie-love garbage that his exes thrive on as their excuse. So sick of it. I look like such a prude, but my point is, we got MARRIED and most of them did NOT and they are being disrespectful because he lets them. 

So much yuck there. I just feel sick to my stomach all the time over this.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You do not sound like a prude to me.
You sound like a great wife who is 
tired of him and his exs disrespect.
They did not get married and from
your postings I can see why!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questar1 said:


> I texted H and the Ex in a group text canceling all further such help from her because she had done something I told her not to do as if she were in charge. He followed up, an hour later, with a phone call to her backing me up. Not good enough; I need to see that he speaks for himself. The point being--I told him--that this since-ancient-times GF knows him all too well and therefore her actions were consistent with who he has been for, oh, 40 years. She KNEW he expects others to take over. She did not anticipate me being so very different, as in, I'm in charge now, new sheriff in town, and I do for myself, you do NOT override my decisions on my property because that gives you license to rip me off. It makes you think you own the place and will be another thief in our lives. I am royally pissed at the meadow mowing and said so quite clearly in my text (indeed it is a form of theft). This is a complete shock in the long-term relationship assumptions between H and this ex. All of his exes know that he plays helpless, they play helpless, it's all about who takes advantage of whose helplessness.
> 
> And I don't fit that mold.
> 
> ...


Has his torturing you gotten worse the more the two of you grow apart?

I wonder because this reminds of something I heard about children who routinely misbehave. 

If they cannot get attention for positive things, they will misbehave because any kind of attention is better than no attention.

I have a dog who follows this rule. He's a 130 pound boy who thinks he is still a puppy - he's the youngest of my 3 dogs. When I don't give him what he considers to be enough attention he starts being a bad boy.. then I'll chew him out for his bad behavior. And he's happy.. he got my attention.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

questar1 said:


> Yes. That.
> 
> I am contemplating having this put in writing. If this then that. It will be used as the basis for a separation agreement should the need arise. First violation, I change the locks. On both the house and the land.
> 
> ...


It just seems that he agrees to everything you say and then craps all over it at every opportunity.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

If you don't have prenup, it's time to do a postnup agreement to protect your assets.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

sa58 said:


> Post no trespassing signs on your
> property. If the exs set foot on it
> Charge them. If they do anything to your
> property without your permission
> ...


A packed bag... I never would have thought of that. Thank you a million. This has to get real. Gawd I wish I had done that years ago. I swear, though, I am so done with his childish behavior that I would pack that bag with diapers. That is how I feel.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

StarFires said:


> It just seems that he agrees to everything you say and then craps all over it at every opportunity.


That is exactly what the problem has been

It just goes on and on


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

StarFires said:


> If you don't have prenup, it's time to do a postnup agreement to protect your assets.


This makes me think of drawing up a separation agreement that specifies how to split things up. That is definitely so way beyond more serious than anything else I have ever requested or done. I also think involving an outside party such as an attorney and a counselor gives me a measure of safety in terms of witnesses. I have felt so isolated for so long. Like, who would believe me. It has been horrible. Also good at the good times which of course makes it harder to stick to any threats. 

I want this in writing

I do

including a packed diaper bag for him to take with him

I am just so done and disgusted


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very easy to see why he has so many exes and why none of the relationships worked. I have to also wonder why you married him.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

When I first read your post it was
clear who the adult in the relationship
was/is YOUNGER WOMAN HAS MORE
COMMON SENSE THAN HIM.
you just had to get mad enough to
see it was YOU!
Stay strong and god bless.
goodbye.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

We are in the process of drawing up the post-nup. He is drafting his version and I am doing mine. That way I can see what he has internalized so it isn't just me doing the work as usual. Then we will have a single, notarized legal version drawn up with specific consequences. Actually one consequence immediately for a single violation. No "three strikes." Hah, it's been ten years of "strikes." He agreed to everything but sadly that is what he always does, so regretful/apologetic/agreeable but then afterward with no change in reality, the difference being this time the agreement is specific even to the packed bag and changing the door locks. And I won't look back. One strike and you're out. 

It really does FEEL DIFFERENT to speak clearly and absolutely with teeth in it. "No more chances. I'm done. This is abusive and I have the right to say quits. I'm not interested in debate or discussion, just boundaries and consequences known in advance." And I really do feel I have suffered a dreadful insidious form of abuse and I am so burned out. I just didn't know how to turn that into something real and doable.


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