# Insecure husband making me rethink 'us'



## amyline (Jan 8, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 9 months, but we've been together for 6 years (living together for 2 of those years).

I knew when I met him that he was massively insecure due to emotional/physical/psychological abuse from his family for most of his life, and the constant infidelity of his past and only serious girlfriend before me. He seemed to be getting better as he spent more time with me, but during the first year of us dating he constantly accused me of cheating on him or talking to other men, then he would belittle me and blame me for his problems. After talking to a friend who's a psychologist she gave me some advice on how to handle his mood swings, and make him confront his own problems without being cruel or degrading. That seemed to work for the rest of our relationship, and he steadily became a more emotionally stable person. Even when we lived together for those 2 years he only had a single outburst and he immediately snapped back and made things better through his actions.

Well now we've been married for 9 months and I noticed he just stopped trying to control himself altogether. I've already addressed this with him several times, but he doesn't seem to try anymore. It doesn't help that he himself constantly compares our successes in life and makes himself feel worse by doing so, or that his coworkers like to tease him (as men do) and he has a hard time accepting that. I'm preparing to take a job that makes three times as much as he makes, and while I don't draw attention to that, HE does. Lately he just seems so triggered by every little thing I say or do -- when we moved into our new home as a married couple he stopped doing his share of the chores around the house, saying that "since I'm home all day, I should be the one doing chores", despite me working from home and being a full time student. Later on he asked me for help in addressing how he's very forgetful, so any time he forgot something I'd remind him of it ("hey honey, you forgot your car keys"; "babe you forgot to pick up some ground beef"). Then he screamed at me at the end of the week and said I was treating him like an idiot and that he'd rather be at work than be at home with me. 

Now several months after we cleared the air we went grocery shopping and I asked him to put the cart away this time, and he refused. So I put it away and asked him later in the car if something was wrong since he wouldn't put the cart away, and he starts playing the blame game ("well sometimes you do X-unrelated thing, too") and kept making excuses and changing his story for why he wouldn't do it, instead of doing what a normal person would, like apologize and then tell the truth. So I don't push it any further because I KNOW he's going to have an emotional outburst if I do. I'm putting away groceries, he's standing a foot behind me gathering all the plastic bags, and I see him crouching towards the floor to reach the last bag that I'm about to be finished with. So I turn and see him, let the bag fall towards him, and he's like an INCH away from it and doesn't grab it. After that he explodes on me saying that I threw it on the ground, and goes into another one of his cussing fits where he follows me around the house and yells at me, blaming me for everything again. He puts his shoes on and says that he's going to leave (go shopping) and he doesn't give a f*ck if I come with him, and storms out of the house. 

I go upstairs to the bedroom to lay down and think about how to handle this, when he suddenly comes stomping upstairs, throws the blanket off me and starts yelling at me to get in the car and that this whole fight is my fault. I tried to calmly explain to him what had happened but he does what he always does -- yell over me, cuss at me, and try to pin the blame. So at that point I told him to just go by himself and that I don't want to do anything with him right now. He slams the door behind him, and I realize I left some of my things downstairs (like my bag and such) so I go downstairs to grab it. While I'm doing that though he takes the opportunity to go inside the bedroom, yelling to me "thanks for ruining my day, that's SO f*cking sweet of you", and starts throwing my stuff down the stairs. In terms of personality, I'm not an emotional person. I can take a lot of crap from people without snapping and in fact the way my husband treats me when he's angry is how my own father treated me on a daily basis for half of my life after he was forced to retire. Now I'm just too emotionally drained to handle his mood swings and outbursts all the time. I'm tired of being blamed for everything, and being told that I said or did things I didn't do just because he is insecure about himself and can't handle the truth. I didn't marry someone I loved and got away from my abusive father just so I could be belittled and forced into the same abusive relationship. I love my husband, but I hate how his insecurities are taking over him.

I feel like I've tried everything and all I ever do is try to be supportive of him, and when I do get mad I bottle up the angry words I have and simmer down so I can talk to him respectfully. I've NEVER cussed him out, insulted him, made threats, or any of the things that he does to me, but I'm starting to feel like treating him like he treats me when he's upset, which is pretty often. But I know if I do that I'm essentially putting the last nail in the coffin, so I need some advice. Is this relationship salvageable? I get that he's immature, and his emotional instability is probably not something that will ever go away, but is there something I could be doing to help him get his act together? Because at this point I can't help him help himself, he needs to realize how he's acting and grow up or else I'm gone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Has he ever sought out psychological counseling, either on a personal or marital basis?

I'm greatly thinking that he has not!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amyline (Jan 8, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Has he ever sought out psychological counseling, either on a personal or marital basis?
> 
> I'm greatly thinking that he has not!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No he hasn't. I tried to get him to early on in our relationship since he seemed to be in pretty bad shape, but to no avail. Instead he took out all that stress on me, and now I'm questioning why I ever stayed and tried to help him in the first place.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

amyline said:


> No he hasn't. I tried to get him to early on in our relationship since he seemed to be in pretty bad shape, but to no avail. Instead he took out all that stress on me, and now I'm questioning why I ever stayed and tried to help him in the first place.


*That being the case, and since you haven't yet started a family, I think it is beyond imperative that he willingly and unconditionally seek out this counseling, even at the risk of losing you forever, provided that he does not or just absolutely refuses to comply!

You do not deserve to go through life living with a "head case!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Amyline, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., controlling behavior, verbal abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, irrational jealousy, low empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



amyline said:


> He was massively insecure due to emotional/physical/psychological abuse from his family for most of his life....


Most abused children do NOT develop BPD when they grow up. Such abuse, however, greatly raises the risk for their doing so. A recent large-scale study found that 70% of BPDers report they had been abused or abandoned by a parent in childhood.



> I get that he's immature.


If he really does have strong BPD traits, he likely is far more immature than you realize. A BPDer (i.e., person having strong BPD traits) typically has the emotional development of a four year old. This is why a BPDer relies heavily on the primitive ego defenses available to young children. These include, e.g., projection, denial, temper tantrums, black-white thinking, and magical thinking.



> He seemed to be getting better as he spent more time with me....


Like smokers who are always throwing away their "last pack" every two months, BPDers generally will be seen to be frequently "getting better." Yet, if your H is a BPDer, what you're seeing almost certainly is just another upswing in the roller coaster ride.



> During the first year of us dating he constantly accused me of cheating on him or talking to other men.


Having a strong fear of abandonment is one of the nine defining behavioral traits for BPD, i.e., is one of the nine symptoms used in diagnosing it. This strong fear is most often expressed in the form of irrational jealousy.



> After talking to a friend who's a psychologist she gave me some advice on how to handle his mood swings, and make him confront his own problems without being cruel or degrading.


If your H has only moderate BPD traits, there are techniques (e.g., validation) that can help smooth over your relationship. Yet, if his traits are strong, my experience is that all the validation and techniques in the world won't make a real difference in his behavior issues.



> He is insecure about himself and can't handle the truth.


If he is a BPDer, you are correct about him being too emotionally immature to "handle the truth." This is why a BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 protecting his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality in interpersonal relationships. It accomplishes this by projecting his hurtful thoughts and feelings onto his partner. 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, the BPDer will consciously believe that the absurd allegations coming out of his mouth are absolutely true. And a week later, when he is claiming the exact opposite, he will be convinced that is true too. This occurs largely because a BPDer experiences such intense feelings that he is absolutely convinced they MUST be true. These intense feelings, then, become the "reality" perceived by a BPDer.



> He needs to realize how he's acting and grow up or else I'm gone.


Sadly, if he does have strong BPD traits, the chances of him doing that are very small. The very nature of strong BPD traits is that they distort his perceptions in a way that is invisible to him. This is why BPD, at strong levels, is said to be "thought distortion."

I've not seen any statistics on the incidence of self awareness among BPDers but, if I had to guess, I would say about 5%. Most of those self aware BPDers, however, lack the ego strength necessary to do anything about it. I therefore would be surprised if any more than 1% of BPDers have both the self awareness and ego strength necessary to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.



> Is this relationship salvageable?


The answer likely depends on whether you're seeing a moderate or strong level of BPD traits -- or perhaps traits of another PD. I therefore suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion -- and help you decide whether this marriage is salvageable. Take care, Amyline.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Talk to your psychologist friend who helped you out the first time!


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