# The age old - Marriage problems causing Depression or vice versa



## Tinyjane (Jun 17, 2021)

Hi,

This forum has helped me immensely over the past few weeks so thank you all!

I have tried to keep this brief and succinct but really after any advice, has anyone been in a similar situation as I am at a loss at to what to do next.

Background:
With my husband for 6.5 years, married for 3. No children together but stepson [14]. 1 fur baby.
Husband has suffered from anxiety & depression [pre dates us]. Has been on regular medication during our relationship, but has had 'incidents' although few and far between [3 in 6.5 years with only 1 being bad]. Usually stemmed by work. This is the first he has attributed to issues with us.
We have a great relationship but have at times brought the worst out in each other - this was largely in the beginning.
We were great during initial lockdown, he started new job about 1 year ago and it was going really well.

Earlier this year [Feb] he was under pressure at work and I could see the early signs [lack of appetite, unable to sleep, anxious and on edge]. He did open up and said it felt like burn out and contacted the docs about increasing medication - this started late March. During that time he was affectionate and said that he wanted to be home when on business trips. Fast forward to April and he said he was concerned about the relationship and didnt feel we were 'right'.

We have had issues in the past but fundamentally we were [and are] great. I suggested we speak to someone and he agreed but this never happened as he refused to attend the first session. I got myself my own therapist and have been working through my own things.

Since then I have been told we dont make him happy and that he doesnt want to try. There isnt another person involved. It has taken me weeks to get even any information out of him but it appears words said in arguments years ago are being replayed and he cannot move past it - its this that has taken his feelings away. I have listened, apologized and asked him to consider trying. He continued to sleep in the same bed, he sometimes says he loves me and would hold me, other times nothing. There has been no further intimacy other than the odd hug.
I went to my parents for a few days but recently asked if he would leave the home so I could have space, I also thought this might make him see the reality of his decision.

He agreed however no less than 24hours later he was back home [albeit in another room]. He said he feels anxious and low from the stress of all of this. It is incredibly upsetting because I know he does struggle with his mental health but I feel I have done everything I can. I dont want to walk away from our marriage but am at a loss as to what to do. I think work was the trigger but as those things subsided he looked for something to attach his feelings of unhappiness too, unfortunately that was us. I desperately want my husband back and I know it isnt a case of reasoning and using logic - he feels what he feels. I am just confused as to what to do next. We cant currently afford two properties and I dont want to be the one to leave [my family are closer but thats not the point]. I dont know how to act in my own home...any advice would be hugely appreciated.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

While he certainly has mental health issues this may not be his only issue. It seems he has built resentment from previous arguments and it appears he has shut down intimacy. These are also precursors to looking else where he may not have another person but often times people with 'see' another person at work or on facebook or what have you and think that's what they would rather have. Then the next logical step is to start building walls and breaking the bond of the current relationship.

You say you've talked but are you talking at him or with him? He says he has words replaying from old arguments. What are these words? How have you wounded him? 

If you do split it doesn't usually mean either of you would keep a property you can't afford. Do you both work? Can either of you afford to buy the other out of the house? When he moved out did he take his child with him or does he not have any kind of custody?

6.5 years and you say it is a happy marriage but it seems like not so much. I am in no way a mental health expert but you don't have to be in a loveless marriage due to his issues. If he won't seek help for himself or attend marriage counseling then it's time to stop wasting your time. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want to be out either?

Get your ducks in a row. Either force him to confront the issue. Make an appointment with him for Sunday lunch. Before then make a list of assets, cash, house, etc. and liens. Figure out a way to split this fairly put it on paper. Now is a great time to sell the house just not a great time to buy one. 

Sit him down and show him the split assume you'll both have to move out unless you have enough other assets to offset the equity. Ask him if it's fair. Ask him to start preparing the house. Clean it up repairing small issues. Keeping the lawn and stuff in good order. Let him know you'll take care of filing the divorce papers and that you'll give the lawyer the proposed split. If he balks let him know you don't want out but that you can't see staying when he doesn't show any desire to improve the marriage or be married. Let him know you won't be waiting around for him to decide his unhappiness is his mental health and not your fault.

The above was if you wanted to even think about staying married but be prepared to follow through.

If you've decided to get off this crazy ride then see the lawyer first. Find out what they recommend. Without any children it should be pretty straight forward. Then hand him the divorce papers.

If he won't work with you there really isn't much choice other than wasting years of your life hoping he will get better without trying.


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## Tinyjane (Jun 17, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> While he certainly has mental health issues this may not be his only issue. It seems he has built resentment from previous arguments and it appears he has shut down intimacy. These are also precursors to looking else where he may not have another person but often times people with 'see' another person at work or on facebook or what have you and think that's what they would rather have. Then the next logical step is to start building walls and breaking the bond of the current relationship.
> 
> You say you've talked but are you talking at him or with him? He says he has words replaying from old arguments. What are these words? How have you wounded him?
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your response, it was really insightful. 

I agree with all of your points and he has said he resents me for things I have said, and that has in turn affected intimacy. The arguments he is referring back to where at the beginning of our relationship, but I didnt actually say what he has convinced himself of. It was all around being a parent, something which he has struggled with in the past and is recurring thread in his anxieties. I tried to provide re-assurance that it was perfectly OK to not 'enjoy' being a parent and that at no point does that mean you love your child any less. He interpreted that as me saying he is a rubbish Dad - he is not, he is fantastic. I have explained this to him on several occasions but I think that goes deeper and isnt something I caused and may be a past trauma, I dont know. 

He has low self esteem and is highly sensitive, something I have always tried to boost but perhaps not enough in times of late. I do kick myself about this because I got so bogged down in day to day life, I didnt show him the love an attention he deserved. 

With regards to talking - its a bit of both. He isnt very open and burys his head in the sand. I have tried to talk but agree I have probably spoke at him more than it being a shared dialogue as he just wont engage. I think he thinks I am trying to 'convince' him to stay. It must be a scary thing to doubt your own mind. 

We both work full time, and we are both staying at the property currently. After the short stay at his friends he moved to the spare room but last night moved back into ours, with no reason as to why. I have stopped asking (on advice from my counsellor). 

Whilst I do recognize the areas in our marriage that need work (and the ones I can directly impact and have affected) I am trying hard. I agree he needs to make a decision as I cant live in the turmoil. I so desperately want to help him as well as build a better marriage but I realize I cant do this alone if he is adamant. 

I will start to collate everything as you say and see what happens from there. Thank you again for your advice.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’ll keep it short .... he’s a dud. A high anxiety man with mental instability isn’t what a woman needs. Your fighting a game that has no happy ending. Don’t waste your time.


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