# At a Crossroads - Outside Advice Needed



## GoldenShores (Apr 1, 2018)

I am sitting in a park after walking out after a heated argument with my husband of 10 years. I don’t feel like calling friends or family to discuss so I am hoping I can talk out my feelings through this message board and perhaps gain some advice on where to go from here. A few days ago I sent him a text and let him know I was not happy, something was missing and we needed to talk, to sort out what we wanted in our marriage to make it more fulfilling. That turned in to us both admitting the passion is gone and maybe we should divorce. 

A brief timeline of our marriage… 
We met when I was 27 and he was 34. Both never married before. We called it love at first sight and I truly believe it was. We married a year later. A year after getting married started a business together and have worked pretty much full time together for the last seven years. We have a 3 year old together, and from the outside, a wonderful life. 

Problems and arguments begin to rise shortly after marriage… my husband is very loud and funny, boisterous, crass and to the point, type A, everyone who meets him generally loves him right away. At first this was very appealing to me as he swept me off my feet… But as the years went on, his personality has begin to wear on me. I am an introvert, reflective, respective, quieter. He was extremely tight with money when we first met, and for good reason as financial responsibility is not one of my strong points. Early on I believed this caused some resentment on my part. I saw it at him trying to control me, looking back I needed some type of structure and he was only doing it for the good of our relationship and future. 

We both come from parents we do not want to “end up like”. He does not want trairs that his father possessed and he sees himself slowly turning into him. His mother as well. My mother has issues of not being able to say “I’m sorry” and communicating in an adult manner during conflict and confrontation, as well as other traits I try to not demonstrate...but I am my mothers daughter and my husband points this out to me a lot. We both see ourselves becoming the empty, shell of a marriage our parents have/had (his father is deceased). 

Somewhere through the years, this resentment has built up. I attribute much of it to our business and not separating our marriage life from our business life. It has always been difficult to work with him as he is very head strong and believes he knows everything about everything...I am sure he would say the same about me.

Admittedly I have lost physical attraction over the years. He has gained 50+ lbs since we met ...I know, peoples physique and body changes over the course of ten years, but it’s like he’s let himself go. His lack of motivation to be desirable for me...really irritates me. For years he’s been saying he will lose the weight, get healthy so he will be around a long time for our daughter (and I would hope me). I am tired of hearing this. Lack of action really turns me off. Perhaps that’s a love language of mine. I also feel like a lot of my passion and sex drive decreased after having a baby, though it is slowly coming back after three years. Before our argument a few days ago, we would go 3-4 weeks between sex. This is an area we majorly need to work on. 

Our communication and the way that we “argue” is sophomoric at best. Confidence issues are evident in both of us. 

I feel Like were all over the place with this… Deep down I know we both don’t want to get a divorce, but something has to change. We have been through this before where we have been on the brink of separating/divorce, but we always come back to each other and say we will work on things, but then we go right back to our old patterns and toxic ways. 

My heart yearns to start over with him and create a loving and fulfilling marriage, give him the love he deserves and get the love I deserve, too. I want to know something deeper. Love deeper and be confident in our love. I want him to have that desire as well. 

I know this is long but if you’re still reading, thank you. It’s a start and I’ve felt so much better typing (talk to text!) some of these feelings and trying to sort through how we arrived at this point. 

We have been to a therapist 3 times but are currently searching for another one as my husband did not care for previous counselor. 

Not exactly sure what kind of advice I’m seeking...I guess a glimmer of hope and honesty. Thanks for any input.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Ask him if he is willing work on your marriage. If you're not at home, then call him to ask. I'm not talking about going to another counselor. I'm talking about the two of you really taking the time and making the effort to do the work that the counselors should have had you do. Tell me what he says, and please don't answer for him. Ask him and give me your answer and his.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GoldenShores said:


> he’s let himself go. His lack of motivation to be desirable for me...
> Deep down I know we both don’t want to get a divorce,
> We have been through this before but then we go right back to our old patterns and toxic ways.


I don't know how much "advice" I have for you, my only hope is a bit of insight. 

"lack of motivation" and "right back to our old" both evaluate, in Algebra, to 2. And, what evaluates to 4 is "unbelief".

People lack motivation to change because they DON'T BELIEVE that the extra expended effort and tribulation of change will result in the desired outcome. Right back to the old is the "comfort zone", where the current effort is sufficient and the tribulation is not amplified.

The effort to change, in relationships, begins, and continues, until one partner "proves" to the other that he/she is "right" to disbelieve. The more times this "proof" has occurred in the past, the more quickly the reversion happens.

You already know what you need to do, you have exactly stated it here: (and, it is the ONLY POSSIBLE success method)



GoldenShores said:


> My heart yearns to *start over with him* and create a loving and fulfilling marriage, give him the love he deserves and get the love I deserve, too.


I'm not a gambler, nor the son of a gambler. But if I was, I'd bet that his heart yearns, too.

Well, maybe one advice....which is not mine, it comes from One far greater..... the "key" is that both of you have to give up the "right" to your unbelief.....

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV)

_Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, *it keeps no record of wrongs*. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, *always trusts, always hopes*, always perseveres._


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## MrsSisco69 (Mar 31, 2018)

I previously divorced after being married for 17 years. What I have learned since being divorced and remarried is that I have to give my husband the same things I want in return. Not know each other’s love languages makes it very hard to communicate. You’re going to have to dig deep and find what motivates him, and he’s going to have to do the same for you. I’m praying you get your marriage back on track.


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## GoldenShores (Apr 1, 2018)

MrsSisco69 said:


> I previously divorced after being married for 17 years. What I have learned since being divorced and remarried is that I have to give my husband the same things I want in return. Not know each other’s love languages makes it very hard to communicate. You’re going to have to dig deep and find what motivates him, and he’s going to have to do the same for you. I’m praying you get your marriage back on track.


Thank you so much for this. Years ago I read Languages of Love and it's resonated over the years. I do believe reading this together would help our relationship immensely.


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