# Nursing the Wound or Making it Worse?



## coreymcdonald855 (Mar 16, 2013)

Hello, all. I'm glad to be here and I hope to garner some decent advice from others with similar experiences. I've got an hour and a half before my son wakes up and I become severely distracted, so I'll jump right in. I eagerly await your honest opinions.

My wife and I have been married just shy of five years. We've been together since high-school (I was 16 and she was 15) when we met. I was immediately attracted to her (gotta love hormones), going so far as to let her boyfriend know how cute she was in front of her. Three months later, we were hanging out after school, getting high and enjoying various shenanigans together. Just writing that makes me feel like a ****ing idiot, but we'll get to that. We all know how love can fade if not nurtured. Anyway, we went on fairly happily until I graduated and joined the Navy. Just prior to leaving, we were very anxious and stressed about the distance. It took a toll on the relationship and, feeling like it was about over, I took the opportunity to sleep with a friend of mine. I continue to brush this off as youthful ignorance, but I'm less sure of that every day. 

I joined the Nuclear program in the aforementioned branch of service about three months later. We were still rocky, and she didn't know about the other girl, but we continued to write letters and talk while I was at boot camp. She visited when I graduated and we had a decent time, considering the short amount of time I was allowed. I moved down to South Carolina to begin my 2 year stint at a training facility, and we talked almost every night, along with a few private webcam sessions. At some point in my first three months there, I received a phone call from my best friend that effectively shattered my hope that we would make it. She had slept with (or attempted to) some kid at a party, and I was hurt. Karma's a *****, right? So I cheated on her with some girl in Charleston that was more of a hooker and less of a random encounter. That did not help, I assure you... but I digress.

My first round of training was complete, and we managed to hold it together. I proposed in December of 2007 while I was on leave. 6 months later, we were at a courthouse with a couple of friends and a couple of rings. I remember when she came to visit, she was stunning. She was the startling image of beauty, and she was mine. And I loved her more than anything. We had problems even then, but they were quickly solved by smiles and cuddling... I feel so much wiser now than I did then, but don't we all? I wish it could be that easy again. Fast forward a year and half.

I completed my training and we packed up and shipped out to California. I think that's where it really started to **** up. I think that she had issues, very deeply rooted ones, that I failed to notice and/or ignored. I don't have a real time frame, just a rough estimate based on where we lived in Cali, so I'll break it down like that. I should also mention I was a submariner, which required a huge devotion of time and energy. Guess where that came from? 

2009, Point Loma - We began arguing constantly. I was drinking about a pint of captain a night, she was screaming at me often, the dishes weren't getting done, the floor wasn't getting swept, the list goes on. I reckon it was around then that I began to see her as more of a threat than a wife. Someone who embarrassed me in front of my friends and didn't give two ****s about it. That was also the same time that we found out about Levi, who is now three. I remember thinking "it's just the hormones" when she called me a piece of **** husband for not wanting to go grocery shopping right after work. I remember thinking the same when she told a co-worker and potential friend of mine to get the **** out of her car (on the interstate going 70). I remember excusing her behavior constantly, but never really accepting it. Those were two major instances, to me, but there were many, many more. Fast forward.

2010, Point Loma - I was almost fully qualified on the boat, I had my sub pin and everything but engine room supervisor done. I was involved in a mishap that left me chair ridden and popping pain pills like candy. I fractured two vertebrae due to a loose piece of equipment, and I wasn't going back to the boat. I didn't cope well... I started drinking again, with the Vicodin, and we had Levi 14 days later. I'm not a piece of ****. I did everything I could to help her and care for my son, I just did it high and drunk. That wasn't the right way, and was completely irresponsible, but that's the way it was. Short of the kitty litter not getting cleaned, we were actually in a pretty good place. Levi had all our attention, our relationship had none of it. Fast forward.

2011, Escondido - By now I had jumped through the hoops and been placed in medical hold on shore duty. I had a cake job that was actually really, really important, so I felt pretty good. My bosses were the **** and I spent more days off than on. Days at home. With her. And the fighting began again. It wasn't long before we were screaming in each other's faces. Part of the problem was us. The other part was the couple that lived with us, both friends of ours from high school with their own child. My wife and her friend were not as happy to hang out as they thought, and I was greeted daily with a slew of complaints that I either did not or could not deal with. I started cracking down on her about many things, her issues, her inability to see them or fix them, her nagging, etc. The more I pushed, the more she fought, the more I fought. By some miracle, we managed to pull our heads out of our asses and get counseling. Best decision ever. We immediately saw a huge improvement in our relationship. The sex (which by now was once a week, often less) got better, as well as more spontaneous. We also had a drunken orgy with another couple and, despite our reservations, actually had a ****ing blast. I think those few months were the best we've ever had. We confided in each other, ****ed, made love, listened, all of the **** that we hadn't been able to do. We had a falling out with our roommates/friends just before moving, and we worked through that together, too. Fast forward.

2012, Imperial Beach - This was a time that my wife enjoyed. We lived in a tiny little apartment, I essentially worked an 8-4 desk job, and we did just about everything together. Which makes this the shortest entry... we were happy for about 6 months. I received my discharge letter and she moved back to Illinois. I stayed in Cali to finish up my military service. I was only there for a month without her, but for some reason, that month killed it. I didn't step out on her, I didn't spend all our money, I didn't even go out, really. I spent every day with my short-term roommate and co-worker, watching movies and *****ing about the military. But something changed, either with her or me or both of us. To the problem.

2012, Illinois - I got back with every intention of enrolling in college, which I did. After much discussion, we decided she would stay in our hometown with the family support and I would go to college to get it done. It is a 2 1/2 hour drive between us. Somewhere between leaving for college and being at college, we made the stupidest mistake of our lives. The old issues were creeping back up on us, casting a shadow that we thought was long gone. It was bad. Not screaming match bad, but locking up our emotions bad. We decided to open our relationship. Enter "Samantha." I don't dare talk about how I felt about Samantha, but my relationship with her was just that. A relationship. We opened the marriage to handle sexual issues, and I got snagged up. My wife knew, but she tried very, very hard to believe that I was telling the truth. I didn't lie to throw her off, I lied because I felt justified. The opening of the marriage was her idea, but equally mine for agreeing to it. We didn't plan it well, and I didn't want to hear of her exploits (she still insists she had none, which I believe), so I withheld mine. This went on for months, and the whole time we were fighting, pointing fingers, holding on to hope, trying to fix it, mentally ****ing with each other, basically riding the roller coaster of a failing relationship. I cut all ties with Samantha as soon as I consciously realized that my wife was very, very hurt. I still didn't tell the truth, but I removed the distraction. I did that because I couldn't knowingly cheat on my wife. I did cheat, just the same, but I realized how ****ing involved I was and how far it had gone. If I was going to get a divorce, it had to be because she and I weren't working, not because I found something "better." And still we fought. Two weeks ago, I headed home for spring break. I was enjoying my usual two and a half hours, thinking about things, our past, our future, what I really want out of life. I had a bit of an epiphany. I was asking myself "Why haven't you left yet? After all this crazy ****, why aren't you gone?" The answer was partly my son, but there was more. I realized that, at the end of the day, I love this ****ing girl. I love her enough to deal with her bat **** craziness every now and then. I love her enough to give her some honesty. I love her enough to swallow the fervent bitterness I had. And so I came home, we sat down, and I told her everything about the nature of mine and Samantha's relationship. Ladies and gentlemen, I have not felt the love I am experiencing for a long, long time. And it seems that the second it clicked into place, my wife changed her mind about wanting to fix us. We've been discussing our next move, and this is where we're falling short, so let me throw it out there plainly.

My wife wants to "be herself" for a while. She wants to go out and enjoy herself, including the possibility of sex with other men. 
The problem I have here is obvious. The open relationship bit me in the ass, and now she wants a turn. She deserves it, and I want to give it to her, and would have less than a month ago. But everything changed for me when I realized how much I want her, how much I have and am willing to do. 

I want to make this work. I want to help her heal, be there for her, be that guy that she so desperately wants me to be. But she's terribly hurt, and I know that. And I feel like an ass for not letting her do it. That dark shadow that covered my feelings for her is creeping back on, now, covering the burning jealousy. I feel like her sleeping with another guy would completely crush me, and I know what I do when I feel that way. It will get buried, I will become a stone wall in the husband department, and we'll be done.

She's willing to do it my way because I told her that. She insists that I am the end goal, just not the in-between, but still she would rather swallow her happiness and be with me. I don't want her to make that decision based on how I feel, because I find that to be very selfish. It all makes sense, but my feelings have overcome my rationality. There are many things not mentioned here, how the sex diminished, how insecure she is, how insecure I'm beginning to feel, and many, many others. I will fill in the gaps as much as possible. The bottom line is, I think she deserves to go be herself (including ****ing other people), but I know it will end us. I know it will end us because of how I cope. I know that love and jealousy are chemicals in my brain, but damn they are potent. Desperately seeking advice. Thank you all.

PS's - I want to make it very clear that she will stay with me as long as I allow her to. By allow, I mean as long as she feels it would actually be over if she left for a while. It's basically an ultimatum, but that's not what I want. I want a secure relationship with trust and love. If she still wants to open the marriage after that, I would do it. I cannot, however, knowingly end it by giving her my consent at this time. We're talking years and years of figuring it out before that ever presents itself again.

- Childbirth took a toll on her. She has stretch marks that most would consider pretty bad, at a minimum. These things do not bother me and I still enjoy passionate sex with her from time to time. She still feels like I haven't tried to make her feel better about herself, but I tried very hard. Sometimes we just don't say the right things. She's still a dime in my book, I just wish she felt that way.

- She was talking to a guy after we closed our marriage. She insists he was just a friend, but the deleted texts make me wonder. At any rate, I've swallowed or am swallowing that pill.

- She told me that when she thinks about me as a husband, she thinks about Samantha. She says it's very hard to get over that, which I understand entirely. I just don't think her answer is going to solve anything.

- We have considered more counseling, and I am in relationship counseling, but there is no way for us to do it together with the college and distance.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Never introduce extra people into the marriage.


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## coreymcdonald855 (Mar 16, 2013)

I appreciate the input, Jonesey, but if there is one thing we do agree on, it's that we both ****ed up. I want to elaborate the problems, but I feel like that would be very one sided and the last thing I want is to sit here and bash her. On the other hand, I don't really want to get bashed. Real advice would be much more adequate.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Sometimes people on this forum compete to see who is the 'most' monogamous and who hates cheaters the most. In the process they sometimes trample a troubled soul asking for help. It is not helpful or clever.

Make your case as plainly as you can. Explain to her that your extra-marital activity was a mistake and didn't bring you happiness. Ask her to recommit. What else can you do?


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Agreed, you both were ok with an open marriage and like johnnycomelately, explain as best you can how you feel damaged for participating in it and your concern if she does as well.

This is a tough one, mostly because now it's a request that she doesn't do something you did. Which makes the argument against her participating even harder. Granted you both agreed to it.

Sadly my biggest advice, to likely sound harsh, is if marriage was between more than two people you'd have had more than one ring and more than one woman at the altar.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

It's not that easy when someone presents a swirling, sucking cesspool that has them deep into its vortex where about the only thing to say is "push the eject button". Except there is no eject button in real life.

But first of all "be herself" is just empty rhetoric that should be replaced with "do other men". Straight talk and honesty are the first order of business. She already is herself. Life isn't a magic show. 

Two people that are committed aren't going to let the distance stand in the way of professional counseling in this age of technology. For example teleconference sessions or just man up and do the drive. 


But you have already given an answer I suspect. It is that she's going to do other men, you aren't in counseling and it will kill what little of a marriage you have left. One person cannot fix a marriage.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Two words - its over -
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coreymcdonald855 (Mar 16, 2013)

We've agreed to recommit and over-the-phone counseling. She asked me to stay an extra night, which turned into a really good night. I guess we have a **** ton of baggage to handle, but at least we're making an attempt. Thank you all for the input; I love the vortex analogy. I guess I'll keep posting for the sake of anyone else who finds themselves in this situation.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If I understand this the two of you are trying to reconcile. You are also trying to do this long distance.

There have been so many long distance relationships fail here, I would say your chances of sucess, with damage you have already done, are zero.
If you want to save your marriage, live together. That's what families do. And maybe then the two of you can grow up.

Get counseling, if you both are not good with the counselor, move on to another until you both click with one.

If you try to live separately you have little chance.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, you have hurt your wife very badly, as bad as it gets. Your goal isto make that up to her. It will take a long time.

(I have seen medicine advertised for healing scars and stretch marks, over the counter now I believe.).


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

All i can say is wow. There are more twists and turns and bad decisions. I can say you two get the cake for most frequent bad decisions in my book. I say that no to hurt your feeling but to say this. If you guys have made it through all of this. I bet if you started making good decisions that you guys might have a fighting chance. However you need to quit stepping out. I mean honestly if you want to keep tabs you are the one with the don't sleep with anyone but your wife issues. I really think that you need to focus on yourself in this situation. Everytime you were faced with a situation that tested your fidelity you failed. Your wife deserves to know the truth. You deserve to get rid of some of the guilt. I am just saying if you aren't feeling guilty on the outside for your infidelity you might be surprised that you might be subconsciously beating yourself up for your mistakes. You need to A) stop minimalizing your infidelity. B) come clean because the guilt will tear what's left of your marriage apart. C) you need to be willing to hear about your wife's infidelity because there is going to be more you don't know about i am sure.
The conundrum here is that you both messed up and if you wanna fix it you are going to have to wipe the slate clean at some point and start over. I rarely think this is even a possibility or a good idea. But since you both treated you marriage like garbage that neither one of you could really take the R route as the LS. You both either recommit and reconcile or end it and get remarried. Because you two were not married. You were long distance friends that occasionally got together and had sex. I mean how sure are you that kid is your biological kid? 
This marriage is the worst I have read about but, I think that there is hope if you both come clean. If you both decide to consider each other's feeling and emotions. Finally if you both decide to forgive each other prepare for a long road back to trust. You two will likely never forget your past and it will come and bite you both in the ass at different times. But you both made mistakes and neither of you can say you were loyal. This is more a WH / WS deal and needs to be treated as such. Good luck my friend I think you two stand a chance.


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