# Dropping the temp: how to do it without resentment?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have been "cooling" the emotional thermostat with my H. I have been noticing results: he as a definite "cool" person has upped a *lot* of interaction and has been warmer to me without realizing it! 

I have a couple of related questions to throw out there...

As a naturally warm to hot spouse, what should I say if my H asks what is going on? The backstory is he has completely rebuffed my requests that he come to bed earlier with me one or two nights a week, no compromise, nothing. Although he knows my love language is quality time, he consistently rebuffs any efforts on my part to show affection in ways I would like via quality time.

I should add that he *does* show affection via acts of service. This is hard for me as I very much appreciate that he *does* do these acts, and I don't want to negate the fact like he is doing nothong.

Quality time is not up there on his list. I have ensured I have been giving via acts of service which is his LL but I cannot fathom why he won't do similar for me via quality time. I feel like I think so much about what would make him happy yet he won't step out of his comfort zone to do the same towards me.

The other thing is because of this I don't want to pull back full of resentment. I don't want to be full of bad feeling. But every night I feel it even if I don't show it. How do I deal with this?
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

With somebody feeling resentful I always used to say forgiveness is the only way ahead, the only way to stop feeling resentful. But guess what, as yet even two years after my break-up I haven’t been able to take my own medicine and forgive my wife and I reckon I’ve ended up with PTED. Because I’m now experiencing embitterment for the first time in my life I have some feeling for others with the same. I was massive on forgiveness, forgiving but can’t do it myself, at least not this time round.

If your H asks what is going on re your temperature controlling surely just be honest with him. That way you maintain your personal credibility and integrity and those things are so valuable you never want to lose them. Honesty is always the best policy and it means your “word” will always be good and you never want to lose that.

Maybe take yourselves along to something like Alpha Marriage Course | Emmanuel Methodist Church.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, and this very same tactic of indifference I get flamed for yet at the same time it works and even a woman can testify to that... :scratchhead:

Anyways lets take it the next step up, you must keep your bases covered. You have to make sure you're not accused of pulling back deliberately, just tell him you are just respecting his space.

As for feeling resentment, that's not up to him, it's something you have to deal within yourself with dropping the temp. It's a matter of perspective, you can see it one way; "Hell I have to play a game just to get his attention", or you can see it another way "He's a human being, he needs his space sure but furthermore, as a man he needs the challenge"

However... in your particular case, after learning of your mismatch of love languages. I don't think this particular game is of positive use, I never thought he was already showing you his love differently. This game is best used when he's just not doing anything.

Still, acts of service and quality time can really mingle together. I still don't really see the problem, you mentioned you loved it when he went from cold to hot, but still you're not satisfied? What's up?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I like the idea of explaining I'm giving him some space. I realized I am. I think I will he honest but I sincerely do not want to display resentment. 

In my mind I have played out saying something like "I decided to step back and ease off." If he asks why, "I feel like I have been too focussed on our relationship to the detriment of both of us. I feel like I have been giving too much and not getting the things I want in return and I needed to step back."

RandomDude, I have liked him approaching me. What I have a problem with is I feel I have made a request of him, been very reasonable with it (specified once or twice a week to come to bed earlier with me) and not only has he saud no, he won't budge in any way to compromise. I want a sex life. It has dropped dramatically over the last few weeks. My worry is it will continue. We have gone from most days to once last week. I do not want a once a week sex life. I know full well his drive is higher than once a week. He has not been making much if any effort and I do not know what to make of it. It's always been a driving force between us.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I like the idea of explaining I'm giving him some space. I realized I am. I think I will he honest but I sincerely do not want to display resentment.


You are, and it's being honest. If your idea of honesty is telling him EVERYTHING however... I don't know, because that's like me right now telling wifey "you're too dependant on me and you should woman up" when she's just not ready to hear it like that.



> In my mind I have played out saying something like "I decided to step back and ease off." If he asks why, "I feel like I have been too focussed on our relationship to the detriment of both of us. I feel like I have been giving too much and not getting the things I want in return and I needed to step back."
> 
> RandomDude, I have liked him approaching me. What I have a problem with is I feel I have made a request of him, been very reasonable with it (specified once or twice a week to come to bed earlier with me) and not only has he saud no, he won't budge in any way to compromise. I want a sex life. It has dropped dramatically over the last few weeks. My worry is it will continue. We have gone from most days to once last week. I do not want a once a week sex life.


You do have to step back but why feel resentment over it? Read the last paragraph of this post and I'll explain why this little "game" can indeed reach its potential as long as it's not malicious or selfish (which unfortunately, like anything, has the potential to be)



> I know full well his drive is higher than once a week. He has not been making much if any effort and I do not know what to make of it. It's always been a driving force between us.


This gave me goosebumps. It reminds me of how I literally spoiled my wife in the past and when we're on holidays, I treated each day like a mission to make her fall head over hells over and over again. It was a time that to ensure I wasn't smothering her (and to "reset" for another romantic day if one particular "encounter" was starting to get boring/losing its charm), I had to add a touch of indifference or "tease" to the mix, then start afresh. Or, she added her own touch or twist to it which I loved, gave me a challenge.

However, over time she came to expect the same empathy, the same romance, the same sex life, to the point she demanded sex 21x a week as a routine. I don't know the full story, but examine yourself and ask why has this changed.

It would also seem that one of your love languages is physical contact. But the unfortunate thing is that attraction is not a choice. As much as I would love to make love to my wife I can't control whether or not she turns me on or not. You have to find his triggers, you've already found one -> he doesn't like things easy - just like me. Find others.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

walkingwounded said:


> I have been "cooling" the emotional thermostat with my H. I have been noticing results: he as a definite "cool" person has upped a *lot* of interaction and has been warmer to me without realizing it!
> 
> I have a couple of related questions to throw out there...
> 
> ...


I could have written this post myself! My LL is quality time tied with physical touch and my husbands is acts of service. I hav=d been doing his LL stuff and he wasnt doing mine.... you know the story. Im reading your thread to see how it turns out! Good luck!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Heh, and this very same tactic of indifference I get flamed for yet at the same time it works and even a woman can testify to that... :scratchhead:
> 
> Anyways lets take it the next step up, you must keep your bases covered. You have to make sure you're not accused of pulling back deliberately, just tell him you are just respecting his space.
> 
> ...


maybe she is resentful of having to play a game to get something back into the relationship that used to be there automatically? Maybe she is not satisfied bc its hard to think of the sex time as genuine when you have had to play this game and you are left wondering if he really wants it or is just giving in? I had the same trouble when trying the cool off method it made me miserable... it was fake to me to act that way and completely against my nature. If I have to act like Im not into my husband then I really will become not into him. Its not a flirty game to me, so maybe the OP feels that way?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> maybe she is resentful of having to play a game to get something back into the relationship that used to be there automatically?


If I was to use my relationship as an example, the "games" were indeed played during our relationship. I also have a lingering debate between my ears in regards to what it means when it comes to "setting down". Is routine to be the norm, is seduction thrown out the door in it's place?



> Maybe she is not satisfied bc its hard to think of the sex time as genuine when you have had to play this game and you are left wondering if he really wants it or is just giving in?


I don't see routine sex as genuine. I see it as a chore. When my wife decides to withdraw from me however, and walk around wearing nothing but a t-shirt, with her hair tied up so to expose that neck of hers, serving me dinner on our glass table, sitting down then continually crossing her legs, teasing the hell outta me, pushing me back... my reaction, is FAR more genuine then when I do it as a chore.



> I had the same trouble when trying the cool off method it made me miserable... it was fake to me to act that way and completely against my nature. If I have to act like Im not into my husband then I really will become not into him. Its not a flirty game to me, so maybe the OP feels that way?


You have to understand though, many men are very visual creatures. Women are more emotional, but even we have to learn how to handle women, yet not allow ourselves to resent them simply due to their differences.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

RandomDude

I have been thinking a lot about what you have said. My initial reaction was it was interesting but not relevant... I think now it is a little.

I think my H has stopped making an effort. I think he is far less aware of relationship dynamics than me. I think he has learnt from MC a bit of useful info. I believe he has become constricted by our everyday life and I am at the bottom of his list after the children, work and his hobbies. He thinks I am demanding and high maintenance at times.

I have all ways been aware of keeping the relationship flourishing. It tends to be me that organizes stuff like dates, special occasions, days out. I have all ways been careful to look after myself, keep in shape. I honestly don't believe any of this ever crosses his mind. He thinks if I'm unhappy about something then that's down to me being too fussy or demanding.

I have tried to see things from his side. I see a guy with a stressful job. So I do what I can to make that easier for him. I see a guy who would like to spend more time with his kids. So I do what I can with that. I show my appreciation for how hard he works. I let him have his space and free time to socialize which I know helps him wind do

I have given him space to pursue me. I have hinted. I have outright said. I have left glaring opportunities. He makes effort for other people, for their time. But I do not get that. It is like he resists it on purpose. I think he feels that what he does should be enough.

I mentioned earlier to him about our youngest child who keeps coming in to sleep with us. I have never encouraged this. My H likes to tend to him in the evenings but said if I found it a problem then I could deal with it, he's not spending all night toing and froing taking the littley back to bed. So basically he'd be happy to have a child in the bed for the foreseeable future rather than a sex life. I think I need to address this because the more I write it out, the more this doesn't feel right.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Remember that coming on too strong can push one away. Looks like you've done all the work, organising dates, special occasions... it's time to stand up for yourself as he's not meeting you halfway. You already noticed his change of behaviour with mild indifference.

Funny though, why ain't there any "woman up" threads =/


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Funny though, why ain't there any "woman up" threads =/



Good Question


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I have been "cooling" the emotional thermostat with my H. I have been noticing results: he as a definite "cool" person has upped a *lot* of interaction and has been warmer to me without realizing it!
> 
> I have a couple of related questions to throw out there...
> 
> ...


I have this exact same problem. Maybe the rules are different for men vs women, but our mc says that the responsibility to be free from resentment and bad feeling is mine and mine alone and he says it in front of both of us every week


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I have this exact same problem. Maybe the rules are different for men vs women, but our mc says that the responsibility to be free from resentment and bad feeling is mine and mine alone and he says it in front of both of us every week


If you are still living with your wife, then I disagree that the responsibility is yours and yours alone. If your wife has hurt you such that you are resentful, then she should make a sincere apology to you and make a sworn undertaking to never hurt you again. Once she has done that it should be a relatively easy thing to forgive her such that you know longer feel resentful towards her.

If on the other hand you were no longer living with your wife then for sure it’s 100% on your shoulders to forgive her such that you are no longer stuck in the past and can be rid of your resentment and move on.

I reckon your MC has it totally wrong. It is for the two of you to work together to understand how things “came about” what role each of you played and then to move forward to apologies and forgiveness.

I think a lot of people simply do not have a healthy model in their heads re what a healthy marriage and dynamics look like. It will be worth the two of you attending a course such as Alpha Marriage Course | Emmanuel Methodist Church.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I agree with you AFEH when you explain it like that.

I spoke to my H yesterday. I said we have a problem. Said I respected his want to be a night owl but felt hurt he would not even compromise on my request he come to bed earlier once or twice a week. Said I looked into the future based on recent events and foresaw a once a week sex life or less. That I did not want to get married to end up being celibate. 

He said nothing to that and I left it open for him to respond. We sat in silence until half an hour later he approached me, sat with me, chatted, was generally quite nice and asked about me and my day. Said we "would have that early night tomorrow" (by then the youngest had got up in a right state) and gave me a squeeze. I could feel he was embarrassed, or something similar.

The trouble is that with his recent EA, at the back of my mind is my insecurity that maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore, doesn't desire me as much. He says he still does but I know his drive is more than once a week. I can only think what I have said, that I am way down on the list of priorities. 

I will see if this promised early night emerges.
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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Also consider that his embarrassment and pain over the EZ may be keeping him from feeling sexual with you. I like the progress you report.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

KanDo, the thing is our sex life never faltered from before, during or right after his EA. If it were immediately after I could understand there being some effect. It's only very recently really I've noticed.

Last night. He was all set for an "early" night. Said he needed a shower before bed. The littley appeared and I decided to be radical and it was straight back to bed. Me and H agreed I'd do the settling down to sleep with the LO whilst he had his shower then he'd come up.

Three hours later I wake up in the kids'room... My H and I both know I will *guaranteed* fall asleep and I ask he co.es and wakes me. He had washed, looked in, seen I was asleep and gone to bed. He does this. In fact thinking about it I don't actually remember him getting me up very many times. He has said it is a relief for him because then he can just go to bed!

Since I woke I have been quite upset. I am worried to pieces he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I do not want to ask him again: I thought how this would sound if he said it to me and it comes across as needy almost. I do not want to be a needy moaning wife and turn him off and lose any hope of redeeming this. I do not want to have another "talk". The only thing I can think of is to carry on confidently, not turn off my needs but not appear needy. I am feeling quite empty and emotional inside though right now.
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Positive steps forward!

Asked H yesterday if we were OK. He said yes. Asked bluntly about his drop in drive. Said he was "stressed, fed up, tired, all of the above." Not to do with me. I bluntly said given events of the past year (ie his EA and aftereffects) I am a little more fragile than I was before and read more into things, so he can understand why I worry.

He said he "doesn't like it when" I think stuff like a drop in his drive is because of me, because he doesn't find me attractive etc. I could see he felt extremely uncomfortable with me thinking that, I interpreted it as guilt I think from his EA and how he can see it has affected me.

Anyway we talked and decided we'd come upstairs for some grown up time earlier in the evening when the kids are asleep. After I'd just crash out and he would go back downstairs to chill for a bit before coming to bed when he was tired.

Worked great, both happy! Will do this again.

I can see that work is *really* affecting him. Physically and mentally. He seems drained. Would love to know from the guys what I can do to be supportive without being demanding?
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I hate it too when the missus reckons my current withdrawal from her is because of her when it's not. It's my problem, so far she's realised I've made up my mind. Only problem right now is that I'm enjoying my "break" too much to even bother fixing this up with her heh

As for work, not much you can do, except let him vent. My wife did this, I guess she didn't really mind, considering I take the piss outta everything and we both end up having a laugh about it.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am feeling all tangled up. This whole relationship is such hard work sometimes. I never expected it to be easy, but I feel lately really distant from my H. I just came on to him, jumped into bed with him and gave him the moves and nothing. He never used to be like this. I am finding it really hard not to take it personally but right now I feel like the nanny and the cleaner.

I have developed a crush on a classroom helper at school. He is really sunny, very friendly to me and very attractive. I catch him looking at me when I am at school. This is a big red flag for me, I am worried what it means about me and how I feel about my H. I have no intention of doing anything about it but I feel terribly guilty. I've not had this before since I've been married and it has really surprised me.

I know the typical advice would be to invest that energy into my marriage. I have been investing. I just feel like the bottom of his list and I'm really down about it. If I told him he'd probably say why are you telling me that? and think I was trying to make him jealous. I don't know what I'm doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Bump: need advice. Can't sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, personally if my wife bothered to give me even a hint of competition I'll be all over her in a second. I even told her that, encouraged it, make me jealous woman! But she has this notion "we're married now! we shouldn't play the games we used to play anymore!" (even if ironically she developed far more sinister and manipulative games with me over the years)

However, a crush is not a jealousy game, it's an emotional affair. One has to be always in control. And no, playing this jealousy game does NOT mean admitting crushes - that will kill the whole thing. You have to keep your spouse on their toes, they can't prove you have a crush but acknowledge there is a risk, and they automatically jump to prevent a third party ruining their relationship.

The jealousy game when done right is the next step up from simply maintaining one's attractiveness, if done too much it is harmful, but small doses of it can still serve as a "medicine" as it builds up attraction for a spouse and reminds them not to take them for granted. It also seems to be a safeguard against infidelity as long as one still maintains the boundaries, it also grants the satisfaction of feeling desired without the damage of infidelity itself. However, this game requires something difficult to maintain; TRUST. Combined with indifference it works wonders, indifference itself being the very mild version of it.

You're investing TOO MUCH energy on the marriage and not enough on yourself, you're feeling down, your happiness and confidence is dependant on him and he doesn't seem to care, and if you keep going this way, you'll just keep falling and falling. He owns you.

There's a saying I remembered from that Cleopatra movie, what was it... thats right...
Cleopatra: "How do you seduce a conqueror?"
Woman: "Such men are easy to seduce, but no matter how much you have given him, always make sure there is something left for him to conquer"

The missus used to be good at it. My wife and I are in disagreement however, she believes in routine sex, sex over romance, duty, and "rights" of a wife etc etc. While I believe in passion, romance, "games", and keeping ourselves attractive, seductive, and interdependent rather then dependent on each other.

Don't know how else to advice you, and I'm playing the devil's advocate here, but considering my wife is going through a similar thing: it reminds me of the past when we had none of these problems because the passion was still there and fiery.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well a short while ago I mentioned to my H a guy who I know through a new hobby of mine who has been making comments to me that suggested he liked me. I have no feelings towards this guy, he's nice enough but I don't "like" him.

My H got angry at me, said I was playing games to try and make him jealous and said I was being childish. Said he would hope I would tell him I was married and I wasn't interested and no he doesn't like it but what can he do? I didn't notice any particular jealousy or anything realy emanating from him.

During our MC after my H's EA, we discussed boundaries. Actions we are not prepared to tolerate from the other with regard to behavior around the opposite sex. I am not stupid enough to think that either of us will never ever encounter someone else that we "click" with, but my H's EA came about from a very poor lack of boundaries on his part. I am hyper-vigilant about this because of his EA and being on here, I realize how easy it is to fall into something without planning to.

My issue is whether I tell him. Not in the sense to make him jealous, but my spidey sense says if I feel it is a problem, then it would be wise to get it out there and address it. I do feel very strongly that keeping things secret is bad but I'm not sure at which point it becomes necessary to talk about it. I haven't mentioned it yet.

FWIW we have reached some kind of truce. Yesterday was pretty bad, I got really angry and said some nasty things. Earlier wasn't good, but we somehow managed to get on some even ground. So not sure how to go forward from here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Well a short while ago I mentioned to my H a guy who I know through a new hobby of mine who has been making comments to me that suggested he liked me. I have no feelings towards this guy, he's nice enough but I don't "like" him.


Explain. What commends did he say exactly and how did you deal with it? As I mentioned before - keeping your bases covered. You can't let your spouse accuse you of anything you haven't done, but nor can he or she help it when others hit on you. If your bases aren't covered, it leads to anger and distrust - rather then the intended insinuated message "I'm a real treasure, better hold onto me lest someone takes me away".

How did you respond when he accused you of playing games? There's the truth and there's the truth, it's how you say it as well as what you say. You have to stand your ground that you were only being friendly, that you did tell him your boundaries (you did yes?). 

But furthermore, personally I don't go up to my wife and tell her "hey, guess what, there's a lady flirting with me!" lol I let her see it for herself and realise it herself. It's more of an ongoing personality thing then a game for me, but I describe as a game regardless. Same reason I make jokes to have fun.

As for your honesty, you can be TOO honest. Same reason I don't the missus to say yes all the time, I like her to say no, even if it's a "no... stop!... no, you're not getting it!" hehe
And some secrets are best kept from each other, the missus and I talk alot, but as I mentioned before: "no matter how much you have given him, always make sure there is something left for him to conquer"


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Explain. What commends did he say exactly and how did you deal with it? As I mentioned before - keeping your bases covered. You can't let your spouse accuse you of anything you haven't done, but nor can he or she help it when others hit on you. If your bases aren't covered, it leads to anger and distrust - rather then the intended insinuated message "I'm a real treasure, better hold onto me lest someone takes me away".
> 
> How did you respond when he accused you of playing games? There's the truth and there's the truth, it's how you say it as well as what you say. You have to stand your ground that you were only being friendly, that you did tell him your boundaries (you did yes?).
> 
> ...


I told my H that this guy had made a comment about how pretty my nails looked when I was changing my shoes and I thought it a weird thing to say to someone he hardly knew. And that he'd said he was hoping I'd be there ne t week as he was looking forward to training with me. Bear in mind this was the first time I'd met the guy!

My H looked at me and said was I trying to make him jealous, and that I was playing childish games and basically being cruel to try and provoke a jealous reaction. I said being honest I hoped he might be a little jealous and possessive of me. Later he said he doesn't like guys hitting on me but what can he do, and he'd hope I'd tell them I wasn't interested. That was it.

One thing he has said since his EA is his worry I'd have a revenge affair. Getting stuff like this out of him is like blood from a stone: apparently he does have feelings, I'm supposed to somehow know he loves me even if in his words he "doesn't always show it as much as I should."

I wouldn't tell him to make him jealous. My intention would be to share this to illustrate how his behavior is pushibg me away. I think despite his worries of a revenge affair, he truly thinks I am so solid and dependable that I'd never even look at another guy. He doesn't think I'm like that.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So, when men made advances to you, and you didn't even do anything... your husband automatically accuses you of making him jealous! In my honest opinion I don't think you handled his accusation the right way, you should have stood your ground firmer, tell him you're insulted with him blaming and accusing you for other men finding you attractive. Instead, you admitted it to him >.<!

Heck, it's becoming apparent right now he seems to be able to do as he wishes and get away with it, you're too nice and too honest! As for him saying "trying to make me jealous", heh considering his reaction it seems the "try" did work on him, but not that he will admit, instead he accuses you heh.

As you're too nice, he feels he can slack off a bit. He feels he doesn't have to change, and it seems he can even insult you and justify it as "I'm only joking" then once again accuses you for taking it seriously! It's a consistent pattern.

It's going to be very hard for you to change to the point he will come to respect you enough to take you seriously. But please, don't go 180, from sounds of things it won't work. You just have to learn to stand up more, no more, no less. 

Just as a nice guy who over the years have proven himself a "nice guy" will find it very difficult for his lady-friends to accept a "new him". You see, when a nice person tries to harden up, everyone goes "that's just not him/her! Trying too hard!", while for a bad person who tries to be good, everyone seems to accept it and pat him/her on the back :rofl:

Quite simply, just learn to love yourself and put yourself first.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I love myself. I think I am pretty great! My insecurity comes from my doubt of whether he thinks that of me. I remember saying on another thread that once I remember telling him I got wolf-whistled at by a construction worker and he said something like "well the guy's obviously got good taste!" and it made my day.

I have this other guy on my mind quite a bit. I feel uncomfortable with it. Yes it is "just" a crush and I have done nothing to indulge it at all. But these are the thoughts I used to have about my H. The other guy is attractive and friendly and cheers up my day. I like seeing him. But I can't help thinking these are thoughts I should be having about my H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You shouldn't be dependent on your husband for your own personal security. My wife has the same problem you have it seems: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/34290-dependency.html


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I love myself. I think I am pretty great! My insecurity comes from my doubt of whether he thinks that of me. I remember saying on another thread that once I remember telling him I got wolf-whistled at by a construction worker and he said something like "well the guy's obviously got good taste!" and it made my day.
> 
> I have this other guy on my mind quite a bit. I feel uncomfortable with it. Yes it is "just" a crush and I have done nothing to indulge it at all. But these are the thoughts I used to have about my H. The other guy is attractive and friendly and cheers up my day. I like seeing him. But I can't help thinking these are thoughts I should be having about my H.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your insecurity comes from not getting the attention you want from your husband. Someone else pays attention to you, and it makes you feel great. That isn't really great self esteem.

What does matter is that you can learn to love yourself, and not need external "proof" from a man that you are desirable and worthy.

I've been in the position of not feeling attractive because my H has a lower sex drive. 

I hate to say this... but it could simply be that he sees you as needy and your need for sex is validation that he loves you. 
He wants you to feel like a beautiful woman all on your own.

And so do I. An EA can certainly cause some damage to your self esteem. There are things you can do about this, yourself. 

Have you considered trying IC or reading? To be able to give yourself (and your hubby) your most confident foot forward?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but really what do you have to lose? Feeling confident and sexy isn't a bad thing, so it can't be bad advice, really. Everyone wins, in the end.


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