# Going Thru a Separation/Divorce



## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

hey everyone im a male who is going thru a separation right now..im 32 and she is 27..we have been married 5 yrs..we have no kids..we were having issues within our marriage with communication..there was no abuse or cheating...she started to tell me that she felt something was missing...and she didnt know what...we got along great...toward the end she felt that we were more like friends and roomates...i really want to work on this relationship..she said that she needed some space...she moved back in with her mom..which her mom doesnt even like me..for reasons i dont know..i never believed in therapy but she insisted on going...we went 3x and she stopped...i still go to better myself...she said it was because of time and money..i told her that i would pay for the sessions...i also know that she is seeing someone that she only knew for a week...she doesnt know that i know...i need some advise on how to deal with this and any advise on how to get her back..


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> hey everyone im a male who is going thru a separation right now..im 32 and she is 27..we have been married 5 yrs..we have no kids..we were having issues within our marriage with communication..there was *no abuse or cheating*...she started to tell me that she felt something was missing...and she didnt know what...we got along great...toward the end she felt that we were more like friends and roomates...i really want to work on this relationship..she said that she needed some space...she moved back in with her mom..which her mom doesnt even like me..for reasons i dont know..i never believed in therapy but she insisted on going...we went 3x and she stopped...i still go to better myself...she said it was because of time and money..i told her that i would pay for the sessions...*i also know that she is seeing someone that she only knew for a week...she doesnt know that i know*...i need some advise on how to deal with this and any advise on how to get her back..


Uh....she's cheating. She doesn't want MC because she's in the fog and isn't ready to end her relationship with OM


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> ...she started to tell me that she felt something was missing...and she didnt know what...
> 
> she said that she needed some space...she moved back in with her mom..
> 
> ...


Whoop, there it is.

Check it, friend: she has probably been cheating on you with that guy for awhile now. She has prob known him longer than a week. How long ago did she start saying things were off between you guys and she wanted space? Around that time, (plus add a few week(s) to it, she has prob been having an affair. 

She doesn't know you know? How do you know about the new dude? (Other Man = OM) 

Don't chase/beg/plead. Don't call her. Don't cry. I need mor einfo from you on the above in order to advise you better but the jist of it will come down to you saying something to her like this: (And don't do this yet w/o giving us more info about the above stuff you mentioned):

"I am fully aware you are having an affair with X. I refuse to live in an open marriage. If you do not end all contact with the X and work together with me on our marriage, I will take all apporpriate measures to protect myself including up to and filing for divorce." Don't reveal your source (how you know abou the OM). You have to be firm. She has to know you arne't afraid of losing her. Because if she knows you fear losing her, she will walk all over you like a Welcome Home doormat.


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

lets just say i did some digging...but they met on Facebook a week ago Sept 15...and he saw her picture from a mutual friends page...someone she dont even know...he already told his whole life story...


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

You said she is "seeing him"...do you know they've gotten together in person since meeting on FB?

Did you guys discuss any terms of separation, or did she just up and move to mom's?

Let her have her space. Does you no good to go looking for her attention right now, as you don't have it. Pay attention to yourself, work out, continue to see your therapist and do the 180 (minus the "no spying" rule...that can wait for a little while, as can others that seem counterproductive for your individual situation). When she calls, answer...or don't. Doesn't matter, because you "don't care". Don't be mean, even if she's being mean to you (actually, *especially* if she is being mean to you). Just don't respond, or simply walk away. When she's reasonable or nice, respond. I did these things. It was hard. Still is. My W has recently become very friendly from afar. Even though we're in the divorce process, 180 works, because I'm in the position of power no matter what she may want to achieve.

I got the friends/roommates comment a few months ago, as well as "I love you but just not that attracted to you right now" and "don't know what I want", etc...and after a little detective work my stbxw's 3 mo affair was laid bare before me in a matter of days...receipts, texts, emails, flights. Without hard facts and exposure of the truth to your W, getting her back may be next to impossible. She needs consequences for her actions, and she doesn't see you as a man if you don't call her on it. If you want some leverage for when she comes back to "talk", do some more digging.

Does she have a smartphone? If so, is there a computer in your house that she may have synced to recently? Or a backup drive for that computer she may have used? Cell phone records showing this d-bag's number? If so, how far back does he show up in there? I know you said they just hooked up on FB through a mutual friend 2 weeks ago, but it's best to not believe whatever is laid out in public. It may be the case...I hope so...or it may have been the easiest/safest way to start a FB connection with no one being the wiser. Is he married?

I know this all sounds super paranoid, but many of us here have been blindsided by the absolute lack of truth our spouses were capable of achieving, when we never would have thought it possible of our "sweetheart".

If she wants to "talk", she may hit you with all the things you have done wrong to ruin your marriage. Own up to anything that you honestly agree with, and then know that you have proof in your back pocket as to what SHE has done to damage the marriage. Separation does not mean it's okay to see other people, unless you've explicitly talked about it as being ok. But if you do confront, for the love of god you'll want more than some FB messages of OM telling her his life story (note: he won't be around long, as he's played his hand out in full before even getting started...she will be unimpressed soon enough). She will explain it all away as circumstantial ("just friends") if you don't have something in black and white to shove in front of her.

Again, do you know that they've been seeing each other in person?


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

I dont know for sure...but this past friday she stayed out til like 430am based on her mom calling her at that time...and on her FB page she put cant stop smiling the next morning...to me this guy is lame because after only a week he already told her his life story....even that he has gambling problem...she aent him some numbers to call to help him...she even said I will help u as much as she can...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

She's already moved out, so the hard part is done.

If you have about 1500 bucks, you can put an attorney on retainer and get started on separation agreement.

In the meantime, close joint accounts, and so on. She can dammage your credit rating, and you could wind up footing the bill for her affair and worse.

Separate finances and get that separation agreement in place. She will probably be fine with getting nothing since she is acting the way she is acting. Good time to get it on paper.

You can always hold up the divorce later and delay it or stop it if you want to stop it.

Stop asking her to go to marriage counseling. It won't do any good if she is chasing somebody else. Even if she agrees to it, she'll only be doing it to placate you while she pursues the other guy, so what's the point?

Finally, act... but don't be nasty and petty. The legal stuff is just business. Protect yourself and let her go. Try this, "I think I just need some time alone to think" and get the legal papers ready 

She thinks she knows you, and that you will be trying to get her back and blah, blah, blah.

You can't argue her out of her feelings, so stop trying to do that. Just protect yourself, and let her go.

Go out with your buddies. Have some fun. Post pictures of you having fun on facebook.

Then see what happens.


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> She's already moved out, so the hard part is done.
> 
> If you have about 1500 bucks, you can put an attorney on retainer and get started on separation agreement.
> 
> ...


Well put. Bravo!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats the funny thing about trying to get some one back, you have to push them away,far,far away.
The point to this is people want what they don't have, in rare cases absents may make the heart grow founder...in rare cases though.
Now that she has met someone you will completely lose any emotional connect you had....IMHO.

So as hard as it is for you, distance your self and let her go.

Your W will try to help this poor guy and most likely her rebound guy won't last, and months from now she may come around, she may not. So in this case I think *hope* would be unhealthy for you. I think you would be best served to wish her well and distance your self form the roller coaster ride of emotions your W will soon offer you with this new drama in her life.

Thats my $0.02


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

I just found after only a week of him knowing her he just bought 2 plane tickets to Puerto Rico for 3 days for birthday in Nov...this getting really hatd for me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

Her*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> I just found after only a week of him knowing her he just bought 2 plane tickets to Puerto Rico for 3 days for birthday in Nov...this getting really hatd for me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Let go! Go on with YOUR life, she is going on with HERS! NO CONTACT. Start the healing process. It will get worse before it gets better.


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

Its hard....wut is she looking for
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> Its hard....wut is she looking for
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not you. You need to let go. Coulda/shoulda/woulda and why are only going to TORTURE mentally.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah try and let go, it's good advice but hard to do

I'm constantly convincing myself that my wife is long gone. I've moved out into my own place and even just then she is texting me asking if I want her friends mum's sofa and chairs for it...it's like she is just a practical helper not my wife anymore...anything she can do to make me go away quicker.

Your partner may eventually see the 'light' or she may not but right now...and I speak from 3 months experience of trying...she won't listen to a word you say to her when it comes to trying to win her back...in fact you will...like I have done...just push her further away and confirm in her head she has made the right choice


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

Is there anything that I can do to get her back..should I just give up....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> Is there anything that I can do to get her back..should I just give up....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know what you are going through....a trip to Puerto Rico with another man is a FLASHING neon light to you....let go. ONce you do, you are in for a WORLD of hurt. You will heal very slowly. You must face the pain first.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> Is there anything that I can do to get her back..should I just give up....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Prepare yourself for a brotherly slap to bring you to your senses:

Sure, maybe you can go with them on their trip?


As my Uncle Bill always said, "Never chase a woman who has a steady boyfriend..., and that goes double for your own wife".

Or if it has three wheels, it ain't a bicycle, and it sure ain't a marriage. Cut her loose and protect yourself. Do it kindly. Time to agree with her: "I'm sorry, but I don't think this marriage is working for me. I need some time to think".


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Anewlife said:


> I know what you are going through....a trip to Puerto Rico with another man is a FLASHING neon light to you....let go. ONce you do, you are in for a WORLD of hurt. You will heal very slowly. You must face the pain first.


Hit her with divorce papers before this trip. She'll still go, but have a lot less fun. As much as she's your sweet girl from your wedding day in your mind, that is done now, she's a different person. Doesn't mean she can't come around, but it will never be the same...may be better than ever, but odds are it will be worse, that's your choice at that point. Right now she has checked out and anything you do to fix how she feels will make her lose more respect for you as a man.

If he has a gambling problem you NEED to separate all finances as soon as possible. Yesterday. She'll be funding his losses in no time. She'll probably end up paying for Puerto Rico too, as he'll catch a hanger and get run out of a rough game soon enough.

Good luck to you, the pain will be there for a long time, but "trying to save the marriage" in your case (OM involved) will do the opposite. Do nothing, as far as the marriage is concerned. You already have done what you can that involves her participating (MC, explaining your feelings, etc). She's into another man. Now you have to take charge of what YOU have control over. Just do everything in your power to strengthen yourself for what's to come. You'll need it...and then you'll come out the other side fit, confident and ready to take on the world as a new man. The ladies they will be aflocking to a man like that. At least that's the prevailing wisdom that I'm banking on, as I'm dealing with much of the same as you.

Meanwhile, your W (ex) will be working three jobs to pay the rent her FB d-bag lost the week before. She will remember what she gave up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Agree with others, you are getting good advice - separate finances, serve papers ready before her "vacation", and let go. It is painful but necessary to preserve your own sanity, there is nothing you can do to change her mind for her, especially as she is in the "fog". Whether your marriage can be repaired or not, either way all you can do is be true to yourself and don't let her play you. Good luck man, sorry you are here, but as I learned from my similar story, you are with good folks at this site.


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hear wut eberybody is sayin...in does make sense...its just that its really hard right now...she is making me feel like I mean nothing to her...the issues we had could be fixed..no violence or cheating...i just dont understand....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

Everybody*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If this helps you understand;
She has moved on with the perception that the grass is greener on the other side. This has nothing to do with you, you are the furthest thing from her mind and she truely believes life is better. She isn't even thinking about you, her thought are focused on her self and the OM.

Its all about her and she now has emotions that have connected with someone else. It happens, she is going to save this guy and change him. Ya right, but its true she find her self being needed by someone she thinks she can help.

You can't control this so don't try, but you can control what and how you behave and the things that can help you. Focus on the things you have control over and that is you.

Giving up, distancing your self, what evr you need to do to just let her go.


Granted you could step up and make a stink and she may even listen to you and stay home but with that comes a ton of resent ment from her. 

Shamwow has the best idea here, serve her with a divorce before she goes. Remeber the divorce wont be final but the papers alone will get her to think twice. Many of couplse have gotten back together on the steps of the court house, hours before it was finalized. 











I'm sorry


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

the guy said:


> If this helps you understand;
> She has moved on with the perception that the grass is greener on the other side. This has nothing to do with you, you are the furthest thing from her mind and she truely believes life is better. She isn't even thinking about you, her thought are focused on her self and the OM.
> 
> Its all about her and she now has emotions that have connected with someone else. It happens, she is going to save this guy and change him. Ya right, but its true she find her self being needed by someone she thinks she can help.
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


there really is nothing you can do, I was in your shoes, no physical abuse, no drinking, no drugs, no cheating(that I know of yet). Separated for 4 1/2 months, divorce final last friday. Still things I don't understand and never will. I feel for you buddy, it just hurts to high heaven. I have 2 children and it just kills me when I don't have them, and on top of that I still love my wife, so it is a double whammy. It hasn't gotten any easier, but I'm making it through. Come to this forum often it has seemed to help me, it still isn't easy, but this forum has helped.


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

Should I reach out to her...she hasnt looked for me...cant she realize that this guy seems desperate....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> Should I reach out to her...she hasnt looked for me...cant she realize that this guy seems desperate....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The OM or yourself?

Things are going to be better for you... one way or another ... if you take care of yourself and stop trying to to tell her what to think.

I know it isn't easy, but let go and protect yourself. She is choosing him. Do you think you telling her you want her is going to make her want you instead? Do you think competing with the other guy is going to make you look better? Or more desperate?

If anything, that will earn you pitty, and pitty isn't respect, and she has to respect you to really want to be with you, so...?

What is the right thing to do? Is her cheating right?

Stop going with your feelings and know your principles, and let your principles guide you.


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

Im sorry if I keep sounding hard headed..its just that this really hard for me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

You know, it's going to be really hard for you. She's pretty much the one who is doing all the leaving. You're the one doing all the staying. The problem with this setup is that it leaves you in a reactionary position. When all you are doing is reacting to her, she is going to take control. Not consciously. She is going to assume you are a constant and she may even end up taking you for granted.

The idea behind pushing her away, and making the 180, is to take control of your life again. Right now she is controlling you. She is making all the choices and all you are doing is letting those choices wash over you. You want to know the rules of the game? Too bad. She isn't going to tell you. You want to get back together with her? Too bad. She doesn't want to get back together with you.

...or with the CURRENT you. You see, the chance (and I'm talking 0.9% chance) that she will "see the light" and get back with you will only be activated if you are strong and you are independent. It may take a while (like, a LONG while) for her to recognize that you're no longer reacting to her. She'll attempt to draw you back in with weird tactics, not knowing what she's doing. She'll try to begin the cycle all over again. Don't let her.

You see, you don't just have to convince her that you've moved on - you have to ACTUALLY move on. You have to make your life your own again. You have to take charge of your situation. And you have to make sure that none of your goals, or your actions revolve around "getting her back", or "keeping her". Your actions need to be based entirely on making your life better.

It is, I guarantee, the hardest thing you will ever do. I'm doing it right now. It's stupid. It's hard. It seems senseless because from your point of view, the relationship was worth something. Because from your point of view, the relationship MEANT something. And you thought that it meant something to her, too. You feel duped. Cheated. Bait-and-switched. Lied to. Betrayed. Angry.

Good.

Feel all of those things. You should. It's really ****ed up what is going on, and your feelings are your right. Don't let them control you. Sadness happens. Let yourself experience it. You can't not experience it. Anger happens. Let yourself be angry. You can't not be angry. But the moment you let those feelings dictate your actions, you're back to square one.

And I can tell you that visiting this forum from time to time will give you strength. These people are good. I can also tell you to start counseling. It has helped me a lot. And I can say that working out, going out with friends, not being in your living space all the time, while tiring, is the best thing you can do. Other people's energies are something we all crave. Have fun. Meet new people. Don't have an agenda. Just BE around them. It will also be one of the hardest things you will ever do.

I am going through it right now, as well. My stbxw is moving out in a few days, and she's not really offering me any explanations as to WHY this sudden change came over her. But if I NEED that explanation, then I'm not focusing on what I should be focusing on: Me. I can't focus on the relationship. There is no relationship. Two people make a relationship. She is not participating, therefore it does not exist.

Just remember: You are not alone. You really aren't. And the more you open up to that, the better off you will be.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Maybe its me, but I'm wondering if we have a troller here. There's only so much advice to offer. If you ignore it and keep whining "whoa is me" our time will be wasted. 

Dude - if you are genuine - listen up! There's lots of experience on this board with what you are going thru. You have a choice. You can listen or you can wallow in self-pity and loose her for sure. The only chance you have of any R will be based on following the steps these folks recommend. Its not a guarantee, but the best damned advice you'll ever get.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

As much pain as you are in, the relief is just around the corner. There is nothing you can do, it's out of your control. The only thing you can do is protect your self, heart and finances. Be strong, as that may attract her back to what she had. Right now, you don't matter much to her because she is focusing on something or someone else. Let it roll off your back like water on a duck. Keep it moving forward. Take care of your business. Be ready to meet what ever you meet. Have you heard about the 180 rule? Just do you, and maybe just maybe she will notice before it is too late, but if not you will be in a good spot to move on with your life.


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## WhyME079 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well today...she came by in the morning to see if she had any mail because she was waiting for an important letter...we started talking...she was giving some push back...i got her to admit what was going on with this guy...she said she met him in church...which is a lie....than she said her mom aready knows and met him...i dont nelieve...she also stated that she was going to PR in Nov...and I asked who she was goin with...i told her I know when ur liying...she broke down cried and told me it was with him...she said thst it is nothing serious and that she only knew for a week....she said he is something special and she likes the attention..she also said he wasnt the only person she talked too...she said that I should know how crazy she is....i told her u know im not even mad ur talking to somebody..i needed u to be honest with....she came back said I know ur talking to somebody and thats ok...i said who am I talking too...she please I saw u...which is a lie...ahe said that she is going to serve me the divorce papers maybe not this week or next....she still wants off the lease and she said she is willing to help me go down to a one bedroom...but she feels that im a monkey on her back with this divorce and she is trying to get it off....she said she still loves me but her feelings has changed...i got her to hug me and she.started to cry....i got her to kiss me....but she gave push back...she saod she didnt want her feelings to come back....she said that I look good and that I lost alot of weight....i told her I feel good and I have been working out....she said it shows and that I look more confident and that is what she.always wanted in the relationship....it was hard to see her again because I fell in love all over again....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> ahe said that *she is going to serve me the divorce papers* maybe not this week or next....she still wants off the lease and she said she is willing to help me go down to a one bedroom...but she feels that im a monkey on her back with this divorce and she is trying to get it off....she said she still loves me but her feelings has changed...*i got her to hug me *and she.started to cry*....i got her to kiss me*....*but she gave push back*...she saod she didnt want her feelings to come back....she said that I look good and that I lost alot of weight....i told her I feel good and I have been working out....she said it shows and that I look more confident and that is what she.always wanted in the relationship....it was hard to see her again because I fell in love all over again....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Dude, you really don't take any advice you get here to heart do you?

You're still chasing this woman and telling her you are not mad that she is running off to puerto rico with another man.

Let us all know when you want advice, but be serious when you ask because you are just doing your own thing no matter what anybody recommends, and there's not much to add to what folks have already posted and you have failed to implement.


PS. We wish you well, and if you are just here to vent, then go on ahead and vent, but if at some point you are really seeking advice, give us a heads up


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

WhyME079 said:


> Well today...she came by in the morning to see if she had any mail because she was waiting for an important letter...we started talking...she was giving some push back...i got her to admit what was going on with this guy...she said she met him in church...which is a lie....than she said her mom aready knows and met him...i dont nelieve...she also stated that she was going to PR in Nov...and I asked who she was goin with...i told her I know when ur liying...she broke down cried and told me it was with him...she said thst it is nothing serious and that she only knew for a week....she said he is something special and she likes the attention..she also said he wasnt the only person she talked too...she said that I should know how crazy she is....i told her u know im not even mad ur talking to somebody..i needed u to be honest with....she came back said I know ur talking to somebody and thats ok...i said who am I talking too...she please I saw u...which is a lie...ahe said that she is going to serve me the divorce papers maybe not this week or next....she still wants off the lease and she said she is willing to help me go down to a one bedroom...but she feels that im a monkey on her back with this divorce and she is trying to get it off....she said she still loves me but her feelings has changed...i got her to hug me and she.started to cry....i got her to kiss me....but she gave push back...she saod she didnt want her feelings to come back....she said that I look good and that I lost alot of weight....i told her I feel good and I have been working out....she said it shows and that I look more confident and that is what she.always wanted in the relationship....it was hard to see her again because I fell in love all over again....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude....I hate to say it...take all dangerous items out of your house and buy a case of Kleenex and a life preserver so you don't drown in your own tears. Man up! Listen to us. The only thing that is going to save you, is YOU!!! Google "no contact" & "180 rule" It's the only way out.


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