# flirtation or something more?



## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

I am new here and don't have any close friends with whom to talk about this personal subject. Any advice or comments are welcome.

My husband is "good friends" with a female coworker. However I now suspect it's more than just friendship. To confirm this, I have found Facebook messages between them -- "I love you" and "miss you, babe" are common entries. He usually keeps his cell phone close to him but one night he left it on the kitchen counter and I checked -- sure enough, texts with her about how "I don't want to hurt you" and "Why don't we just f&%k and get it out of our systems."

I honestly don't know if they've actually done anything (physical). I do know that on at least two Sundays when he went to the office to get caught up on some work, his FB messages confirmed that she was going to be there, too. Sigh.

But something else I found on his phone disturbed me even more -- texts with people (not sure man or woman) via CraigsList! Some of them were from "seeking three-way" and "want to suck it" (some user names more explicit than that). I was totally shocked. I didn't have a lot of time to sift through each of these entries, but a common thing my husband wrote was "....dunno, my girlfriend is shy." I assume his "girlfriend" is the female coworker. I can't believe it.

I know this needs to be addressed, but how?


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

DietColaGirl said:


> I am new here and don't have any close friends with whom to talk about this personal subject. Any advice or comments are welcome.
> 
> My husband is "good friends" with a female coworker. However I now suspect it's more than just friendship. To confirm this, I have found Facebook messages between them -- "I love you" and "miss you, babe" are common entries. He usually keeps his cell phone close to him but one night he left it on the kitchen counter and I checked -- sure enough, texts with her about how "I don't want to hurt you" and "Why don't we just f&%k and get it out of our systems."
> 
> ...


Divorce. Is there any way you could ever trust him again? He is obviously sleeping around with possibly dozens of people (seriously? Craigslist?! ew!) and putting you in extreme physical risk on top of not giving a crap about your feelings.

I don't think this can be saved, he will never be remorseful enough to actually change.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok first of all, FRIENDS don't talk to eachother like this:



DietColaGirl said:


> My husband is "good friends" with a female coworker. However I now suspect it's more than just friendship. To confirm this, I have found Facebook messages between them --* "I love you" and "miss you, babe" *are common entries. *He usually keeps his cell phone close to him *but one night he left it on the kitchen counter and I checked -- sure enough, texts with her about how *"I don't want to hurt you" and "Why don't we just f&%k and get it out of our systems."*


You should have printed that out and put it on his nightstand with a post-it saying "Why don't we just divorce and get it out of our systems. I am no ok with living in an open marriage. You can pack your bags and leave. I will not be disrespected like this."

Is the woman married/partnered? If so, copy/paste the emails to her partner. jSTAT. 

You need to confront your husband and tell him you are well aware of what he's doing and how he's soliciting sex on the internet. 

GET TESTED FOR STDs and DO NOT stand for this!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The communication they had is not friendly, anyway.

So they are red flags. You have a rightful suspicion.

How is your sex life in the recent past? You have not said how long you have been suspecting this A.

You need to be more vigilant. Gather evidences. Dont confront now. Act normal. Control your anger, emotions.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

Our sex life HAS suffered since having kids -- but I always thought a drop-off in sex was completely normal. He's said it's not normal and we've had several arguments over the last few years over how I need to be more attentive and have more sex. I realize our intimacy is not what it was when we were first together, but I had no idea it may have driven him to this!

Yes, I did print up the FB messages.... but I have no idea how to print the cell phone texts. I may have to write them down or commit them to memory if I get a chance to check his cell phone.

As for any of this -- I just don't know for sure he's actually done anything, even with the female coworker.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You can save the FB messages in your files. Someone in this forum will give you idea of how to do it.

Women are better in sniffing H's affairs! So your gut is working right. Now you must act wisely.

No anger, no emotions. Just act normal. 

Gather all possible evidences. Without evidences, no way. Once you confront him with evidences, he will disclose.

Do you know any of his colleagues and can you discreetly enquire?
More observation. More of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> As for any of this -- I just don't know for sure he's actually done anything, even with the female coworker.


Even if he hasn't done it physically, he is cheating already. DOn't you see that? He is giving other women (from work and the internet) what should be YOURS. He is actively seeking it out. It is NOT ok for him to be talking to people like that if he's married/committed to you.

Is the OW married???


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

Yes, I've met her and her family. They have two boys, like us, and seem happy together.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

DietColaGirl said:


> As for any of this -- I just don't know for sure he's actually done anything, even with the female coworker.


With that talk and visiting Craigslist for hookups? Absolutely.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Sorry your here....but your at the right place to get advice! Lots of people on here have been through and are going through what you are. Be patient! Nothing will be a quick fix. 

My best advice is to expect LOTS of emotions which will be all over the place-but you have to stop giving excuses for his behavior. That was my first mistake and I wasted 2 years. His fb, craigslist IS NOT NORMAL NOR OK. Regardless of "just friends" , co-worker, sex situation, etc.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> Yes, I've met her and her family. They have two boys, like us, and seem happy together.


Oh realllllllllllllllllly?

Ok DietCola--this is how this goes down... do you have access to her husband? (Facebook? Email? Phone?) 

What you do is.... is expose the affair WITHOUT telling your husband or the OW beforehand (the reason for that is that if you let them know you're doing it beforehand, they will conspire against you to get their timelines/excuses right). SO YOU DO NOT TELL YOUR HuSBAND OR THE SKANK BEFOREHAND what you are plotting.

Got that?

Ok, good. Now let me get my info for you:

And sidenote: I wouldn't yet confront your husband with you know until you do the following...and in fact, I'd wait a few days because you WILL get a reaction 

Ideally it'd be best if you could contact her husband via email or Facebook--so you can COPY/PASTE their randy emails to him so h ecan see it with his own eyes.

It goes like this:



Jellybeans said:


> Neal, this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:
> 
> _Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!*
> 
> ...


_


Do this stat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DCG, follow jellybeans advice on this, of the dozens, possibly hundreds, of people going through similar situations on this site, what she is suggesting is the surest way of busting up his affair in order to fix your marriage, refined by iterations of advice followed and ignored and feedback and comments from betrayed and disloyal spouses here.

He undoubtedly is in an emotional affair (EA) with his coworker, and it may be physical already, possibly not sexual intercourse yet... as to craigslist browsing, he is looking at possible options for quick sex, whether he has followed these up yet in any way or not, you will learn by doing more investigation into his actions.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

Thanks, Lon..... that last part wrote is what I've been feeling, too. I'm not sure he's had time to be away from home for any length of time to have sex.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Dietcolagirl

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

My husband visited a prostitute from the local paper and I am divorcing him now. In my opinion, once someone starts to cross the line by doing weird stuff like that the relationship is over. The respect and trust is gone. It isn't something I can get my head around - it is just incomprehensible. Plus, you also have the added displeasure of this woman at work who he is having at least an emotional affair with? Ugh.

So very sorry 

Best wishes

Jen


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> Thanks, Lon..... that last part wrote is what I've been feeling, too. I'm not sure he's had time to be away from home for any length of time to have sex.


Do not let yourself be fooled, there is a whole lot of time during the day when he's supposed to be actually working that he has probably been nurturing his relationship with this woman instead. You are getting cheated which is obviously of utmost personal importance, but he is likely cheating his company too.

It is amazing how resourceful people can be when we are motivated by sex and the feeling of being in love... I now even have paranoid suspicions that my ex was actually driving two and a half hours each way to meet halfway to the city the guys she was having sex with were from, and during the times she told me she was at work, then going out for drinks with her gf's after work then crashing at her gf's house because it was late and she was tired and drunk.

I never thought she would have time either, but she obviously managed to fool me badly considering her affairs involved five hours of driving. After I put 2 and 2 together it made sense why sometimes her gas tank would be empty a couple days after I filled it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"good friends" ???

More like "lovers".


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

DietColaGirl said:


> As for any of this -- I just don't know for sure he's actually done anything, even with the female coworker.


What do you mean you're not sure he's actually done anything.... I would see sending flirty and sexual messages as definitely doing something! I think you might be in a bit of denial here. If you were doing the same things he was doing, do you think you would you see it as not doing anything? Or if a sister/friend confided in you and said their husband was behaving like yours, would you think that was nothing?

This man is not trustworthy at all, you need to keep cool, gather hard evidence - read up on what to do on this site (steps others are suggesting), and then expose/confront him. What he is doing is NOT OK, it is not even near being OK.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> Our sex life HAS suffered since having kids -- but I always thought a drop-off in sex was completely normal. He's said it's not normal and we've had several arguments over the last few years over how I need to be more attentive and have more sex. I realize our intimacy is not what it was when we were first together, but I had no idea it may have driven him to this!
> 
> Yes, I did print up the FB messages.... but I have no idea how to print the cell phone texts. I may have to write them down or commit them to memory if I get a chance to check his cell phone.
> 
> As for any of this -- I just don't know for sure he's actually done anything, even with the female coworker.


He is. I gave my H the benefit of the doubt about his "flirtation" which was in fact a nine month physical affair complete with trysts. The office, after hours is a great place to get it on BTW. You did not drive him to do a damn thing; cheating a choice. Find out all you can, make copies, and send to OWs H or sig Other, family etc. Affairs usually can't survive the light of day. If he is referring to her as his girlfriend that is what she is.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Be strong for yourself DietColaGirl. You're husband has been unfaithful whether he has actually touched another woman or not (From the messages I do think he did).

Just how much disrespect are you going to allow him to dump on you?

Any/Every woman deserves better.

BTW, any married man who says "I love you" to another woman has already crossed the line in a big way.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

AllThePrettyHorses: yes, you may send me a PM. THanks.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

Wow, there is so much to take in and consider with all these replies! Thanks, by the way, to all who have responded. I think there's a lot of experience behind what many of you are saying. Also, there is some resentment and bitter feelings -- but I can understand that. I am not sure about exposing the other woman and/or informing her husband -- is that my place to do? Maybe I should just worry about my husband and family for now.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

DietColaGirl said:


> Our sex life HAS suffered since having kids -- but I always thought a drop-off in sex was completely normal. He's said it's not normal and we've had several arguments over the last few years over how I need to be more attentive and have more sex. I realize our intimacy is not what it was when we were first together, but I had no idea it may have driven him to this!.


You had no idea? :scratchhead:

I was married to a woman that did not care to have sex with me despite the fact that I tried practically everything to be the best husband in the world to her. I took care of myself, did my share of the cleaning and cooking, was affectionate and payed attention to her, nothing worked. I finally left her and divorced her.

I'm sorry but if you don't take care of your husband, why are you surprised that this happened? What would you do if your husband showed you no attention nor affection but another man did? Should he be surprised if you fell for this other man? You did NOT push your husband to seek out another woman but you did help create the environment that made it possible for him to do so.

Your husband is a coward. He should have filed for divorce before he set out to destroy two families. I have no simpathy for him. Divorce him.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

I have been trying harder to be a better wife. I thought things had gotten better. I guess not enough.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> * I am not sure about exposing the other woman and/or informing her husband -- is that my place to do? *


YES, it is your place to inform her husband. He deserves to know. Don't help them hide their affair. Bring it all out into the open!


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> Wow, there is so much to take in and consider with all these replies! Thanks, by the way, to all who have responded. I think there's a lot of experience behind what many of you are saying. Also, there is some resentment and bitter feelings -- but I can understand that. I am not sure about exposing the other woman and/or informing her husband -- is that my place to do? Maybe I should just worry about my husband and family for now.


If you were in the other husbands place, would you want to know the truth? 

Tell him but only after you have solid proof that you can show him (chat logs, texts, emails, etc...) otherwise he may not want to believe you. And do not tell your husband you are going to expose before you do it.

He deserves to know so he can choose whether he wants to live with a cheater, or find someone who can actually respect marriage vows.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

please read the newbie link in my signature Diet, lots of info that you will find helpful

and yes expose the affair to the OWH, he deserves to know and it will help destroy the affair


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Please don't disregard what people are saying here. I haven't read any posts that sound off the wall or so consumed by bitterness that they are not giving anything constructive. They know because they have been exactly where u are now. You don't connect with all of what they are saying because u see yourself as being different. That your husband is different. That it can't be that bad. Your husband is not an out and out cheater, he is a good man. If u are unsure of yourself at the moment then bide your time and gather evidence. And if you think that telling the other woman's man it is purely about revenge or hurt, it is not. You will regret it if you do not because it will allow them to continue their affair easily, that your husband will be able to tell you what u want to hear (he is not having an affair, they are just good friends) and then they will continue more carefully. They will be able to make stories to fit what u put to him, but you will have no ally. The other man will be a massive help to you and your situation if you tell him. It means they are both fully exposed, the affair is fully exposed, and that there will be 2 sides working to ending it, as opposed to just one. 

Read some other stories on here, u will c there are patterns of behaviour, there are patterns of bulls*it, educate yourself on it all by reading others. You will be amazed at how similar the patterns are. Not just with what your husband is doing, but also the patterns in yourself. Your reactions, your thoughts etc. See in others stories what works and what doesn't. All the advice you have been given is the best way to go about your situation, the best way to handle it, and by following it you will get the best results swiftly, instead of allowing the whole situation to be dragged out and to emotionally cripple you in the process. And that will also help to end the love u have and in turn your marriage. Dealing with this well, and swiftly, will help save your marriage and minimise the damage...if that is what u want.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

Remains, thanks so much!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

:iagree: with Remains

I was thinking about your comment yesterday DietColaGirl, because you have a very common misconception about exposure.

Affairs are forbidden secret double lives. People who are mentally healthy / normal can only enter into them by 'compartmentalizing' the affair; that is, keeping the two lives entirely separate. The affair is a type of escapist behavior, a fantasy. Telling the OWH pricks that bubble and it goes splat. The fantasy is met with the reality.

EVERYONE desperately wants to resolve these issues privately, you are no different from the rest of us. That's because they want their old life. They cling to it because they thought it was all good. But you can see: what you thought was good most certainly was not. You also need to prick your OWN bubble and exit the fantasy that a. your marriage was all ok and b. that you can resolve this privately and move on without anybody knowing about it.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

An update: I checked his FB messages for anything new and noticed he's erased ALL messages with the female coworker. He hasn't erased any other messages, just hers. I don't know exactly what this means but I am very glad I printed them out before he did this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You really need to expose the affair to her husband. Today.

And of course he's deleting his messages to her--he knows you're onto him. He's covering his tracks.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Contact her husband today. Don't give her and your husband time to come up with bull**** excuses to feed to you and her husband.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How would you expose without any evidence in your hand?


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, I have the FB messages printed out. I've seen (on his cell) texts between them and the texts with apparent strangers via CraigsList. I didn't have time to copy them down (and I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to print them because they are on a cell phone). If I could hack his gmail account, then I could get the CraigsList stuff. But as for evidence, so far all I have are the FB messages, which might be enough.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> Well, I have the FB messages printed out. I've seen (on his cell) texts between them and the texts with apparent strangers via CraigsList. I didn't have time to copy them down (and I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to print them because they are on a cell phone). If I could hack his gmail account, then I could get the CraigsList stuff. But as for evidence, so far all I have are the FB messages, which might be enough.


Expose with what you do have. Now. Time is of the essence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

DietColaGirl said:


> Well, I have the FB messages printed out. I've seen (on his cell) texts between them and the texts with apparent strangers via CraigsList. I didn't have time to copy them down (and I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to print them because they are on a cell phone). If I could hack his gmail account, then I could get the CraigsList stuff. But as for evidence, so far all I have are the FB messages, which might be enough.


The Facebook Messages are all you need to expose to the OW`s husband.

Expose this affair to him and he`ll end it for you.

Depending on how bad she wants her marriage she`ll either throw your husband under the bus rapidly or she`ll have tons of free time to persue your husband.

Then again with all the less than manly men I`ve seen lately allowing their wives to drive them like cattle she may just do what she wants regardless.

Exposing is still your best bet.
It brings it out in the open light of day.
Affairs thrive on darkness and hiding (example: his deleted messages) throwing a bright light on the whole sorted mess often kills it immediately.

Chances are her husband will issue an ultimatum and she will dump your H.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You're welcome cola girl. Glad I was of some use.

And whatever u do...STAND FIRM and dont listen to stupid reasonings or wishy washy answers. Be absolutely sure of yourself and do not back down. Best of luck.


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