# Divorced, EX has moved in with affair partner but I still miss her



## StillLost

A little back story, Was married for 9 years, ex was having an affair with a coworker, and went to be with him, we separated, back in November, didnt know about the OM then, found out about him in April, then my ex just turned nasty once the affair was exposed in the open, fast forward to the present, she chose to be with him, and though she has tried to blame me for everything that went wrong in our relationship, and has even changed the story to whoever would listen, I still miss her and love her so much, I know I shouldnt, and I know I should move on, but i would be a total liar if I didnt say that I do hold a spec of hope that she will come back, she has recently called me, after I told her not to, because I told her I cant be her friend and wont carry on conversations about nothing when we have a big issue staring us in the face

Is there anybody else out there that is going through the gut wrenching torture of letting the one that you love go because they lied to you, but still kinda hoping that they will come back


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## raising5boyz

I think I finally got over hoping he would come back. But I miss everything we had or everything I thought we had. I loved him completely. So completely that I have no idea how long it will be before I can really move on with someone else. He did not end up with any of the women he cheated on me with....but he did end up with someone 15years his jr....and just like the women he cheated with. They were all kinda dirt bags. Guess he just couldn't handle a good life with a good woman and had to go looking for trash?:scratchhead:

Everyday I miss what I had before the affairs.


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## StillLost

Raising5boys

" But I miss everything we had or everything I thought we had. I loved him completely." 

This is what I have to keep reminding myself, because I too miss what I thought we had, every morning is horrible for me that's when I miss her the most, I wake up thinkin how she is sleeping in his house in his bed right now, I'm sorry to hear about him ending up with someone else, how long did it take for you to stop hoping he would come back completely, I still can't believe she would rather be with out me, it kills me inside, and what hurts is, I still love her so much even still
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oregon38

raising5boyz said:


> Guess he just couldn't handle a good life with a good woman and had to go looking for trash?


That made me think about something my therapist told me some time ago. He considered out relationship "high risk" from the beginning on with all the history my ex had (tons of divorces in her family, abuse as a child etc). Seems almost that there was an internal timer ticking in her leading to the divorce. 

Interesting is that her parents divorced when she was 12, same age as my daughter now. I guess she thought that she didn't deserve any happiness because everything was too good for her. Unfortunately, my ex made the decision for my daughter as well, robbing her from the entitlement to a better life.

I always thought we could break the cycle but it seems like everything was already pre-determined. I really mourn the time we could have had, for us and our daughter.

Besides all of this, I still love my ex-wife for who she truly is (really deep inside of her soul). She just didn't know any better and was just following the path she thought was made for her. But it was the wrong one.


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## Sparkles422

stilllost: Yes I know what you mean: that secret little hope that they will crawl back and say the exact words to make it all go away.

Poof to reality: Not going to happen. My ex betrayed me, lied to me, gaslighted me, tormented me purposely, wanted to take every last penny I had (that was his intention he told me) and shouted in my face with foam coming out both sides of his mouth that "I loved you, I hate you, I hate". 

I wasn't the one that had done something so irrevocable. He hated me because I filed for divorce and took away his security blanket.

Unmitigated gall!

Now that little hope has poofed. That's reality.


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## Shooboomafoo

Yeppers for sure.
The sincere fact that I could not be back together with my ex, even if she came pleading for reconciliation, leaves me with little justification for sadness or those times I trigger and well up in the eyes.
What am I sad about? I ask myself, and then try to understand it. Is it the disappearance of what constituted a "marriage" in my life? Is it the "family" that was and is not anymore? Well I still have my daughter, and wish this had not have happened, and gladly know I did not contribute to my wifes choice to destroy it all, and THEN offer trivial meaningless excuses that changed frequently to justify her behavior. 
I saw a picture and thought to myself, " did I love that woman?, or was it a love for what I wanted our relationship to be?" I still dont know. At times I felt something for her, but it was in between the complete lack of respect and love being shown me for most of the time I spent betrothed to her.
Its like seeing someone go off the deep end mentally. That last thread finally broke and they ran off with some moron from their high school days.. 
Thats not on me. 
If something I did contributed to the downfall of our marriage, I know for a fact that I presented myself and questioned often what it was I could do to change for the better to make our marriage better. All I ever heard was "nothing" or some statement that left nothing for me to do, other than have patience for how she recognized herself to be. 
Ultimately, she did something, and didnt have the guts to face it, but instead, chose to dump her marriage that would have made her have to own up to whatever it was she did to whom.

Was I perfect? no way. But I asked often, and constantly looked inside myself and read relationship books, and asked her input, and looked for what it was that would make her happy.
Turns out, it was fantasy on both our parts.


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## Feelingalone

StillLost:

You are just going through what everyone who has loved another and lost that other person goes through, whether a cheating spouse, death, or just a walk away spouse. So remember it is normal. We all do it. I did it. It took a while, but by focusing on improving myself for me, it got a little better every day. I believe the recovery time varies for each person. 

I know it is hard to let go of what was good and even more difficult to let go of the dreams you had with her, but things change and that is a part of life. 

Good luck on your journey. Peace.


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## ArmyofJuan

StillLost said:


> Is there anybody else out there that is going through the gut wrenching torture of letting the one that you love go because they lied to you, but still kinda hoping that they will come back


This is really insecurity talking, once you get your head straight you'll realize it's hard to love someone that stabs you in the back like that and disrespects you. Right now though what you think is love wanting her back is just fear of change.

Odds are her and the OM will be lucky if they last a year. You have a better chance of being hit by lightning than them working it out long term. By then though you will have found someone better and will just feel sorry for her when things fall apart.

Today and from here on out its all about you and what you want for yourself. Find a hobby, start chatting with women online, go buy BF:3/MW3/Skyrim and play 24/7 without someone on you back complaining you are on the computer too long. You are free, go have fun.


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## Oregon38

ArmyofJuan said:


> Odds are her and the OM will be lucky if they last a year. You have a better chance of being hit by lightning than them working it out long term.
> 
> *I really like that  Where is the lightning? Got already plenty of rain here.
> *
> Today and from here on out its all about you and what you want for yourself. Find a hobby, start chatting with women online, go buy BF:3/MW3/Skyrim and play 24/7 without someone on you back complaining you are on the computer too long. You are free, go have fun.
> 
> *I thought about this too while walking my dogs a few days ago. I can finally have some fun, do things I want to do without any restrictions at all. My cheating ex-wife on the other hand tied herself up in a wonderworld relationship with her affair partner. Not really a smart move at all I would say.*


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## StillLost

Sparkles422 said:


> stilllost: Yes I know what you mean: that secret little hope that they will crawl back and say the exact words to make it all go away.
> 
> Poof to reality: Not going to happen. My ex betrayed me, lied to me, gaslighted me, tormented me purposely, wanted to take every last penny I had (that was his intention he told me) and shouted in my face with foam coming out both sides of his mouth that "I loved you, I hate you, I hate".
> 
> I wasn't the one that had done something so irrevocable. He hated me because I filed for divorce and took away his security blanket.
> 
> Unmitigated gall!
> 
> Now that little hope has poofed. That's reality.


Sparkles: yes you are right, though the hope is lessining, it is the times that she tries to twist the story around that does snap me back to reality, and realize she did what she did now she just needs to justify it to herself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillLost

[QUOTE=" and gladly know I did not contribute to my wifes choice to destroy it all, and THEN offer trivial meaningless excuses that changed frequently to justify her behavior". 

Wow Shoo, its amazing how during the whole breakup, she was changing the story on me and blaming me for stuff that was just plain crazy, and tried to change events that happend in our marriage, and tell me these things as if I wasn't there, this would drive me crazy, it is good to hear that WS tend to rewrite the history, thanx for the reply shoo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillLost

ArmyofJuan said:


> This is really insecurity talking, once you get your head straight you'll realize it's hard to love someone that stabs you in the back like that and disrespects you.
> 
> ArmyofJuan: you are right, its insecurity and pure jeslousy, it kills me to know she is smiling at him and being held by him etc ...
> 
> But I am focusing more on what I want to do and it does help greatly
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan

StillLost said:


> ArmyofJuan: you are right, its insecurity and pure jeslousy, it kills me to know she is smiling at him and being held by him etc ...


One thing I learned is that its never what you think it is. Most times they put on a front and flat out lie to you (and everyone else) about how great their life is with the AP because they don't want to look like they made a stupid mistake. 

Believe me, she ain't near as happy as you think and as time goes by and the honeymoon stage passes she'll start to look at what she did and have regrets. She can't run away from the fact that she cheated on her husband with this man and that this man screwed around with a married woman (her). That's one of the many reasons why relationships that come from affairs fail.

Once you start talking to other women you'll be surprise about how little you'll care about the WW and what she's doing. The best revenge really is living a good (better) life than her. It will kill her to see you are better off without her.


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## StillLost

ArmyofJuan said:


> One thing I learned is that its never what you think it is. Most times they put on a front and flat out lie to you (and everyone else) about how great their life is with the AP because they don't want to look like they made a stupid mistake.
> 
> Believe me, she ain't near as happy as you think and as time goes by and the honeymoon stage passes she'll start to look at what she did and have regrets. She can't run away from the fact that she cheated on her husband with this man and that this man screwed around with a married woman (her). That's one of the many reasons why relationships that come from affairs fail.
> 
> Once you start talking to other women you'll be surprise about how little you'll care about the WW and what she's doing. The best revenge really is living a good (better) life than her. It will kill her to see you are better off without her.


ArmyofJuan, 
I appreciate your words, yes even though my imagination gets the best of me, I know what you are saying is right, at begining of this month she called to "check on me" and asked if I thought she was stupid for what she did,I told her if your happy you made the right decision, and not to call me anymore, she doesn't know that her friends that have known us both have already told me that they didn't agree
with what she did and they told her dhe was plain dumb for what she did, my ex has been asking my brothers wife about me, I speak to my brother everyday, my sister in law and my ex don't know that me and my brother figured it out they are still in contact (my ex and sister in law) my ex has also some how got my phone records and is calling my female friends, how she did that I have no clue,

But you are right, I have to keep reminding myself of that, Armyofjaun what's your story, and how far along are you,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lowlife

I'm right there with ya StillLost. Same thing happened/happening to me right now. My x is working for the OM now and I'm pretty sure she has or will be moving in with him soon since he has file for divorce as well. I'm still struggling with the lying and cheating and the fact the OM was a friend that I helped grow and invest in his business. It's a crazy messed up world out there.


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## Sparkles422

I have no idea what x is doing. I went NC since 8/16 and haven't answered the three attempts he made. I think he is away for a few months (nice he gets a vacation and I get to figure out a new career) LOL. It's alright.

You will come through this, walking on hot coals but you will get there. I am divorced since July and I have a lot more good days than bad, but it took work and time.

I would get Skyrim but it has memory glitch at 5.0 and I play PS3.
I'm waiting for them to get the patches correct before I buy. Replayed Mass Effect 2, good escape stuff.


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## Shane Jimison

I want to suggest you to move on in your life. This is a time to make some hard decisions in your life decide want you want Inspite of being cheated.


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## ing

Be careful what you wish for.

She wants to come back and is grovelling and begging. Sound good?
It isn't..


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## StillLost

ing said:


> Be careful what you wish for.
> 
> She wants to come back and is grovelling and begging. Sound good?
> It isn't..


ING,

That's exactly what I want, weather that's right or wrong is another conversation, but please I would like to hear your opinion why that wouldn't be good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remmons

All of this is sounding too familiar to me. I am going through the same things, thought processes, and feelings.

I have on purposely implemented a NC so that I can at the very minimum recompose my life and my feelings so that I can move on with my life.

She has always had a void that she just can't seem to fill. During the last part of our marriage, our separation, divorce, and there after she has dated other men to try to find that lost magical answer that she has always been searching for. She was hoping for a Cinderella story, just to find out that her prince charming was just another frog. Her marriage with me has outlasted her previous two marriages, so apparently I was doing something right. But her desire to fill a void was still too powerful for our marriage to work.

She has dated at least four guys that I am aware of since the time that I had discovered her affair (including the one who she had an affair with which was the beginning of the end of our marriage). She is currently (sort of) with a new guy who is from another State. She is planning on moving there at the end of the school year. While I don't really care that she moves, I am also hoping that she does not. I really don't want my daughter to move with her, but I may not have a say in this.


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## jack1420

Hi,

Its like seeing someone go off the deep end mentally. That last thread finally broke and they ran off with some moron from their high school days. I wish to know how to get over a breakup and it would realy helpful.


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## 38m3kids

Still,

I feel for ya. My wife cheated on me with someone she met a conference. Affair lasted 2 months, I knew something was up when she got back, i could just tell. It took me 2 months to get a confession. they met up 3 times, lots of texts, emails, etc. Anyway, I moved out, we seperated for a few months. She begged me to come back, so i did, we have 3 children. It's been 18 months since DDay, I guess I'm fortunate to have a WW that is remorseful and wants to reconcile. Unfortunately, and ironically, I sort of wish mine would have just left me. Now I struggle with acceptance and forgiveness, and im on the verge of leaving her cause i just cant get past the pain of infidelity. Just thought I'd share with ya, that having a remorsefull WS is not always a great thing either. Best of Luck!


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## Jayb

38m3kids said:


> Still,
> 
> I feel for ya. My wife cheated on me with someone she met a conference. Affair lasted 2 months, I knew something was up when she got back, i could just tell. It took me 2 months to get a confession. they met up 3 times, lots of texts, emails, etc. Anyway, I moved out, we seperated for a few months. She begged me to come back, so i did, we have 3 children. It's been 18 months since DDay, I guess I'm fortunate to have a WW that is remorseful and wants to reconcile. Unfortunately, and ironically, *I sort of wish mine would have just left me. Now I struggle with acceptance and forgiveness, and im on the verge of leaving her cause i just cant get past the pain of infidelity. Just thought I'd share with ya, that having a remorsefull WS is not always a great thing either*. Best of Luck!



Wow. I'm sorry. I talk a lot about hope and R, but at the same time, I have doubts. I remember recent years and realize our M wasn't happy or healthy. So, I would need my W to be as engaged as I in improving our M.

Even if R were possible, we have many issues to address. And living through them as you are doing, would be just as painful. I don't know if either of us could. The result could be back to where we are now. And that's why I understand my W's fear of R.


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