# Tired of Mr. Attitude



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I have become the thing I truly hate. The shrew wife. My WH just shuts down when I get emotional and refuses to talk. (DDay=8 mos. cyber sex binges) It takes a minute for me to notice he is in "silent" mode. It enrages me. He just acts like I don't exist and walks right past me. Anytime I hit the real issue (his lies and betrayal that I have forgiven in the past, only to be paid back by worse behavior now) - he walks out, blames me or says to "stop b!tching him out".

Sometimes I follow him, sometimes I just give up. Right now he walked out and went into the basement. Earlier, he walked out and went to the bank. When he got home, he peeked his head in the study (where I am) and I asked him what he needed. He walked away. So I went out and said, "Why do you need to come in here and then walk out and ignore me?" No response.

The best part is, today I said I don't think our R is working by just working through a book, I think we need a real MC." He said, "You would just tell off the MC and me and then walk out. I don't want to waste the money."

I am a SAHW so HE has all the money. I feel trapped and my resentment is sky high. I know we need MC but he is saying, in advance, that I am so impossible it wouldn't be worth it.

So I ask, "Why do you stay with me like this?"

No reply. Not a word. Won't talk for a long time now. HELP.


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## HurtInOH (Oct 12, 2011)

Do you have kids?

If not, find a good lawyer immediately.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

HurtInOH said:


> Do you have kids?
> 
> If not, find a good lawyer immediately.


Not anymore, kindof. DD moved out to go to college but still comes over a few times a week. Just the 2 of us now.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I am b!tching because I am tired of being ignored and sitting in silence.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

What are your day to day dynamics, LWC?? I tried to catch up by looking at your old posts, which had you selling your piano to go and file for divorce??

What is it you are looking for from your H? Sincere apology? Open communication?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Seems like he is the one doing the 180.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LWC - I've been off TAM for a while now. I haven't read a thing in months and I come back and find you still swimming in the very same pool as when I left. Please don't take that as critical but nothing is going to change until YOU make it happen. Your H has clearly shown you - time and again - what he is going to do and you are showing him that it is acceptable to you by continuing to accept it. 

He likely is not going to come around at this point, the grove is dug too deep. Unfortunately I suspect at this point the only way to change it is to call it quits. I could be wrong, he could snap out of it at the 11th hour but I wouldn't bet that way. The precipice you must get to, the fork in the road, is when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. Unfortunately you're current situation is only to chose the lesser of two evils, just remember that sometimes the evil that hurts more today is significantly lesser in the long run. 

Best wishes to you.
Sig.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

DawnD said:


> What are your day to day dynamics, LWC?? I tried to catch up by looking at your old posts, which had you selling your piano to go and file for divorce??
> 
> What is it you are looking for from your H? Sincere apology? Open communication?


Yes, what happened with all of that? The selling of the piano happened awhile ago...? Couple of months?

What are your plans, LWC? It doesn't look like there has been any progress made on your H part...all the stonewalling


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> It really looks like you have no reason to stay with this guy, other than financial. He appears to believe that he holds all the cards. His behavior is disrespectful and abusive. You need to take back the control over your own life, or you can't begin to recover. If you have not looked into the 180 it might help you. I would not follow him or try to talk to him at all, go dark. See a lawyer; and follow the advice given. If my H had acted like your H, I would have divorced him and taken him for everything I could get out of him whether I needed it or not. This man has hurt you and disrespected you enough, without adding insult to injury by his outrageous disregard for you rights and feelings. You do not have to accept this kind of treatment. Good luck and best wishes.


The funny thing is that he say it's me who is the abusive one. That no one would want to put up with my b!tching "everyday". We go days without speaking.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> What are your day to day dynamics, LWC?? I tried to catch up by looking at your old posts, which had you selling your piano to go and file for divorce??
> 
> What is it you are looking for from your H? Sincere apology? Open communication?


Yes, I sold it. I did it to help my daughter and to stop having to ask him for money. When he got his severance, I took a few hundred and got my digital grand out of the shop. 

What I want from him? To keep his agreements with me. I have sat down to talk to him and whatever we agree to doesn't happen. It happens for a while, then we devolve to fighting or silence.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You want all this crap to change---file for D.---you will get half of everything---so you will have enuff to get started, on a new life

You are miserable, yet you stay---Why wouldn't you both just agree to get the D., and leave---enlighten me?????


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Time to make a change. Go find a job even if it is part time. go find a lawyer and file and go see an IC at least.

If you have assets, cars, house bank account, 401ks many lawyers will take their payemnt out of the settlement.

Time to make a change


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Seems like he is the one doing the 180.


I agree LM !!!!

He has been checked out for YEARS. I don't understand why he needs to stay give me the silent treatment. He has plenty of money to move out and move on, also.

If he's doing the 180 on his wife after she discovered him cheating...., how does that work? He's not going to "get me back" by blaming me for all our problems and then walking out of the room and not speaking for DAYS.

Last night I left to just get out of this house because he refused to talk and I was shrewing out. I was at the end of my rope (again). I shut down my PC which has been on lockdown when I leave because I can't lose it to a porn virus, and I am tired of him using my machines to look for my replacement while I have to live an affectionless life.

What did he do? He actually unhooked my printer and used it to print shipping labels while I was gone. Then he set it all back up so I wouldn't know, I guess.... It really made me angry. If he isn't going to speak to me, he doesn't get to use my stuff. I know this is petty, but its the principal.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You want all this crap to change---file for D.---you will get half of everything---so you will have enuff to get started, on a new life
> 
> You are miserable, yet you stay---Why wouldn't you both just agree to get the D., and leave---enlighten me?????


jnj, I have asked him to leave - he refuses. I simply cannot move a houseful of stuff on no money, without a car. also, betrayed spouse never leaves. I did nothing wrong.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

mahike said:


> Time to make a change. Go find a job even if it is part time. go find a lawyer and file and go see an IC at least.
> 
> If you have assets, cars, house bank account, 401ks many lawyers will take their payemnt out of the settlement.
> 
> Time to make a change


I had a SA drawn up 5 months ago. He agreed to all the terms. Well, he's taken that back now. He says he's not leaving and I should just go find something relaxing to do and leave him alone.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> LWC - I've been off TAM for a while now. I haven't read a thing in months and I come back and find you still swimming in the very same pool as when I left. Please don't take that as critical but nothing is going to change until YOU make it happen. Your H has clearly shown you - time and again - what he is going to do and you are showing him that it is acceptable to you by continuing to accept it.
> 
> He likely is not going to come around at this point, the grove is dug too deep. Unfortunately I suspect at this point the only way to change it is to call it quits. I could be wrong, he could snap out of it at the 11th hour but I wouldn't bet that way. The precipice you must get to, the fork in the road, is when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. Unfortunately you're current situation is only to chose the lesser of two evils, just remember that sometimes the evil that hurts more today is significantly lesser in the long run.
> 
> ...


Hey sig, thanks for the reply. As usual you hit the nail on the head. I have chosen the lesser of two evils. And yes, I am back in the pool. 

I guess I believed him. Now he will even unplug anything off my PC he can't use because he can't log on, install it on his machine, then put it back before I get home!!!!

Its bad enough that he will go to these lengths to avoid speaking to me......but its pretty obvious he was doing this with webcams when I discovered his betrayal. 

So, yeah, I'm still here, but it was working, for a while, R. 

We met 17 years ago this summer. 9th year of marriage. I truly thought we could do this.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

One of my favorite quotes:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I don't get the concept that you are a SAHW and he works so you have nothing but I will take your word for it.

You are not going to like to hear this but you trained him over a period of years on how to treat you. I don't know the particulars but I get the strong sense that your marriage is full of you making understandable demands of him. When he failed to met those demands the threats started. I would bet my last penny that you have demanded and threatened so much with no follow up that you have now been placed on the "nagging ***** pay no mind list".

If you want things to change, you need to be the one to make those changes. Stop the insanity.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> He says he's not leaving and I should just go find something relaxing to do *and leave him alone.*


Anyone who says that - ESPECIALLY AS THE CHEATER - is not reconciling. IMO he's done - he's just believes you won't do anything about it. Thankfully I've never had to go through ending a marriage - I have no first hand experience or even general advice to give. What I do know is that there are always options - there is always a way. If you want to end it - there is a way to do it. Find an attorney, if that one is unresponsive, find another - keep pushing until you find a way to know that you can get out. Once you know that, then evaluate if you want to pull the trigger or not. 

As has been said - do not threaten and then fail to follow through any more. If you're not prepared to make it stick don't say it. 

Regarding the BS never leaving - well yes that's generally true but is more commonly a part of the immediate aftermath of D Day. When it's over, when one half checks out and squats in the residence, then you do what you have to.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

My STBXH had the same attitude. I never mean what I say and he didn't think there would be any consequences for his actions. Well I'm now moved out and filled for divorce. 

Time for some a decision, LWC


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi 

I agree with some of the other posters.

Time to get a part time job. You have no kids at home now, so no reason not to - you may even enjoy it and get a new social life away from home, which would be good for you right now.

Focus on YOU, not him. Go out, join some clubs, do some hobbies that you already wanted to do. 

By changing you, your husband may notice that things are changing. I'm not saying do it so that he will notice, he may not. Either way, this can only improve your life with or without him.

It can be done, I did it.

Best wishes

Jen


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Falene said:


> One of my favorite quotes:
> 
> Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
> 
> ...


I have not threatened and demanded. I told him I want a divorce after I discovered his betrayal. He claims he did nothing "offline", but destroyed the computer he was having cybersex on, so I will never know how far it went, how long it went on, or if he met anyone in real life. I had a full STD panel that came back clean. He asked for R and I thought he was on board. He initially worked hard to R but now we are back in the rut.

I was working making more than him when we married. I have 2 degrees and also am a musician. I have been a SAHW since I had a fetal demise a few years back. Also, the high-school years were tough and I wanted to be home through graduation. I do not regret taking those years off because now daughter is thriving in college. Losing the baby was hard on me physically, and as soon as I recovered, my H had to have surgery. Then, the following year, he had major surgery. During this time I worked coding his web business for him and have been building a music studio in our basement for practice/recording. I also took care of him. I also did some code repairs for an architecture firm so I could earn a new computer workstation for myself to finish building an online studio. I have built a life with him away from corporate life. A creative life. We are entangled in every way.

His corporate job has ended and he is home all the time now. He has a pension coming and is living off his severance and unemployment. We have finally built the life he claimed he wanted. 

I have no idea why he wants to stay in the house now that R is falling apart. He could leave me easily and get a place of his own. For me, right now, this would be an incredible hardship. I don't understand except that I will have to start all over in a new place and he will have the benefit of all the work I have done here.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LWC~

You know I've been here from the start, right? You know I know the facts you've told us, right? And like you, at the end of my first marriage I began to realize that I was becoming who I was not: I am generally easy-going and peaceful, and I was screaming and yelling and freaking out all the time because my exH was blaming me for his actions, etc. 

If he was unfaithful with porn, and you didn't leave him then and there--I can't in good conscience suggest divorce now, but you know what I CAN recommend? Get away. For a while. 

What's happening is what I call "crazymaking." Now you know I often refer people to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site, right? Here is a link to her forum where people are discussing 'What Crazymaking Means' Your True Self (the True You) is nothing like the woman you are becoming and to some degree already are. The trouble is, you keep staying, keep doing the same things, keep expecting some change "out of the blue", and then keep going nuts because nothing has changed! Well for something to CHANGE...something has to CHANGE!! And no matter how much you beg, cry, scream, threaten, anything...you can not change him. It appears he wants to continue viewing porn and not discussing it, and no matter WHAT pressure you put on him or controls you try to enforce your ways, he WILL find a way around it...because he WANTS TO!! 

So stop trying to change him (you can't) and change YOU. When I say "Get away. For a while." what I mean is pack your bags and go with the intention of being away for a month or more. Go to an Extended Stay Hotel if you have to! It's $1000 but tough--literally half of all the money you two have now is yours, so take $1000 out of the bank and go, or put it on a credit card and go. While you are gone, do not engage in text wars and cellphone calls with him, just be on your own and get away from the stress and shrewishness of the present. 

While you are away, get into either personal counseling or a support group and start to learn about YOU and why you have allowed yourself to be treated like this. Start reading some of the books that make YOU a better woman. Learn about anger and how to speak up for yourself and not get sucked into his passive-aggressive manipulations (Dr. Irene's site can help with that too . YOU worry about YOU and once again becoming the woman YOU ARE. And if he tries to guilt you "How am I supposed to take care of myself and a house all alone?" just think to yourself: "TOO BAD. You had the choice to have a loving, intimate relationship with me and you slammed the door shut every time I tried to open it." It is not YOUR job to be his mommy! 

So you get away and work on YOU. You learn about your own weaknesses and meet other woman who are struggling just like you so you have support. You get a plan for yourself that you can live with. You start looking for a job because I don't care if you have been a SAHM for decades, you can not depend on him to pay for you. Period. Or you start back to school and figure out how you will get yourself to self-sufficiency. Get CENTERED and back to the True You. Get FOCUSED. Get a plan. 

Then if you want you can move back home and work the plan, or file for separation or whatever the heck you want to do.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> LWC~
> 
> You know I've been here from the start, right? You know I know the facts you've told us, right? And like you, at the end of my first marriage I began to realize that I was becoming who I was not: I am generally easy-going and peaceful, and I was screaming and yelling and freaking out all the time because my exH was blaming me for his actions, etc.
> 
> ...


Thanks AC, yes you know it all and have been there from the beginning. Your advice has been very helpful over the last 6 months and I am grateful for all who have advised me here on TAM.

As far as I know, he wasn't doing porn. He was having cyber with others online! I got him porn for his freaking birthday! I wish it was only porn. I wish it wasn't realtime live, free hookup sites, with real women. I wish it was porn stars.

I am not depending on him to pay for me. I work my a$$ off for him and the life he claimed to want. Is all the work I have done worth nothing? The first time we broke up (before marriage, 12 years ago) I was the one with all the cash. He had nothing. When I left? I paid all the bills on our house for a month (rental) and moved out.

OK, done with shrewing. Its just so disappointing. 

Love your suggestion, BTW. It would be a dream to just have a break for a couple weeks.

Thanks and keep those thoughts coming. I'm not a lost cause. I gave up all the money I was getting from corporate life to get married and have another baby. I love my babies more than anything and I really loved my husband. OhMyGosh, there is such a hole inside right now. Knowing he is in the dining room and I am in the study. I honestly feel like I am in a time-out.

Thanks AC, from the bottom of my heart.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You want all this crap to change---file for D.---you will get half of everything---so you will have enuff to get started, on a new life
> 
> You are miserable, yet you stay---Why wouldn't you both just agree to get the D., and leave---enlighten me?????


jnj - I don't know why he won't divorce me. The last time I asked him, I almost had a breakdown. I was crying and said, "Why do you stay here blaming me and then dishing out the silent treatment? If this marriage is so bad, why aren't you filing the paperwork? We are supposed to be in reconciliation!"

Him = "You are obviously having some kind of emotional break. You need to stop yelling and go calm down. Just STOP!" Then he walks out of the room.

Me = "So you think if you just bark orders I will back down? This is our LIFE. I need this to be fixed." He keeps walking away, unresponsive.

Nothing. No more conversation unless I push it, and when I do, I am "starting fights for no reason".


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> *I have no idea why he wants to stay in the house now that R is falling apart.* He could leave me easily and get a place of his own. For me, right now, this would be an incredible hardship. I don't understand except that I will have to start all over in a new place and he will have the benefit of all the work I have done here.


Control?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Control?


Yeah, it must be. None of this makes any sense.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I just see some similarities with how you are being treated and how things were going towards the end of the relationship with me and STBXH. For him, it was all about control. And when he felt he was losing it, things got a little crazy a couple of times. 

Just be careful if it is a control thing...they don't like to lose it or the power they have over you and WON'T back down easy. 

Your consequences will need to be swift and hard for anything to sink in. And even then it takes a couple of months. They think you are going to go running back...that your threats never amount to anything. Keep that in mind.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> ... He says he's not leaving and I should just go find something relaxing to do and leave him alone.


Strange to say, but I think you actually need to take his advice about finding something relaxing to do and leave him alone - because he doesn't have the monopoly on making you happy. You can take responsibility for your own state of mind and believe me, you'll feel so much more contented when you do this. Learn to actually enjoy the "space" he is giving you when he is not speaking to you and/or physically avoiding you. 

Make a point of finding ways to lift your mood and genuinely feel positve. In the process, you will be showing him that you are in control of your feelings, not him, and that his manipulative emotionally abusive not speaking tactics are a waste of his time and energy. 

I agree that if you can get away for a while it would be good for you and give you some space and perspective. 

However in the meantime, PLEASE don't allow him to manipulate you and your feelings with his silent treatment. You can't change him but you certainly can change yourself / the way you respond to him and take back control of your own emotions. 

He is getting off/thriving on seeing you upset, angry, etc. Do take a look at the link below for some practical ideas on how to take ownership of your own peace of mind and happiness and effectively deal with his silent treatment.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> As far as I know, he wasn't doing porn. He was having cyber with others online! I got him porn for his freaking birthday! I wish it was only porn. I wish it wasn't realtime live, free hookup sites, with real women. I wish it was porn stars.


Okay sorry about that, my mistake. I thought he was going online and viewing like porn movies. I did realize it involved the computer and acting out sexually, but didn't quite grasp the details fully. I apologize. 



> I am not depending on him to pay for me. I work my a$$ off for him and the life he claimed to want. Is all the work I have done worth nothing? The first time we broke up (before marriage, 12 years ago) I was the one with all the cash. He had nothing. When I left? I paid all the bills on our house for a month (rental) and moved out.


Alright harsh truth coming here--are you ready? 

In real life, all the work you've put in for years...even DECADES... can be taken away in a moment's time. Imagine if there was a fire at home and you lost everything. All your work...gone. Imagine if you spent years building a business with your husband, and there was a tornado or hurricane...gone. Imagine a drunk drive hitting your car head on and your teen is the driver...gone. Imagine the marriage you worked at and built and a temptress comes along and catches his eye...gone. In real life, all your work does not guarantee anything. Ever. 

The challenge is to work anyway. 

Do you have a job and earn your own money? If not, then "technically" you are depending on him for money. I'm not being harsh or saying that being a stay-at-home parent isn't work or doesn't count, but the facts is the facts. If you don't earn money, then you have handed your financial future into the hands of a person whom you don't trust and who is not looking out for YOUR best interests. So yep I agree--stop shrewing; stop whining; and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT to take back control of your own life. 



> Love your suggestion, BTW. It would be a dream to just have a break for a couple weeks.


My suggestion is not to "get away for a couple of weeks for a holiday." Shoot I wish I could do that! I would SOOOOOO be in the Bahamas right now! LOL No my suggestion is to actually leave for "a while." I say "a while" because I don't know how long you'll need to be gone. It may be permanent; but hopefully not. I am suggesting that you methodically pack your things and move to a "not so temporary" place to do something different, to instigate change in yourself, to get to a place where you can think clearly...away from the pressure of where you are now. I am suggesting that you decisively make plans to remove yourself bodily from his crazymaking, to get into some counseling and/or a support group, to take time in a conducive environment to THINK about where you are and what you want to do, and to make a plans to accomplish your goals. 

I would say this is a minimum of one month if you worked at it non-stop, and probably longer. The goal is not divorce or legal separation. The goal is to CHANGE YOU. Right now, if you keep going as you are, nothing has changed so nothing will change...and you'll go nuts. There is no law anywhere that says you have to live in the same house with him to stay married. People live states apart due to work choices! People carry on long-distance relationships all the time! So move out, get away, and ignore him--WORK ON CHANGING YOU. And once you get away and are able to think clearly, decide what you want to do. Want to go back to school or finish a degree? How you gonna do that..on your own..not depending on him? Want to get a job? How you gonna do that? All you're doing now is sitting at home, complaining so to get your own money and get a job you have to do .... what? 

See what I mean? You do not need to file divorce or legal separation or punish him or go nuts trying to control him...nothing. Just leave. Ignore him and if he chooses to go to the gutter, let him roll in the filth. YOU take care of YOU. Once your mind is clear, you can make wiser choices and it gives him two lessons as well: 1) what life would be like without you (both the good and the bad) and 2) what he may have to do in order to actually participate in a mutually intimate relationship. While you're gone it gives him time to show you by his actions if he wants to be in this..or not. Also I'll be honest--it's my gut feeling that he doesn't believe you have the courage to back up your words with actions. You'll threaten and scream until you're blue in the face, and you won't leave.

Soooo...for now you need to go. He won't, and kids are all grown up right? So move out. Get a sub-lease or a long-term house-sitting job or an extended stay hotel or something.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

He stays cause you keep putting up with his chit. 

He keeps doing the same thing, cause you keep reacting the same way. 

the whole "wow is me, I am so betrayed, why don't you love me" act isn't working anymore. All you are doing is annoying him. 

I'm sorry, but your husband is NEVER going to change without DRASTIC measures. Simply crying, the threatening divorce is never going work. 

file for Divorce and move out. do the 180, and go dark. 

Or wake up 10 years from now, and wonder why nothing has changed.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Okay sorry about that, my mistake. I thought he was going online and viewing like porn movies. I did realize it involved the computer and acting out sexually, but didn't quite grasp the details fully. I apologize.
> 
> 
> Alright harsh truth coming here--are you ready?
> ...


Yeah, extended stay in my area would have been over 1500 for a month. Soo...I packed for the beach. I simply said, daughter is done with finals and wants to go camping, I am going with her. I took 400 out of savings and we had the most beautiful and restorative trip. We drove through the mountains and stayed on the beach for 2 days, sleeping in our van at night. 

On the 3 rd night, we went to a remote forest campground and pitched 2 tents, had wine and a fire and dinner, and just breathed in the fresh mountain air. I was happy, daughter was happy and I broke my crying jag routine. It was the most wonderful break from this routine.

It gave me a whole new perspective beyond stuck-ville. I am going to keep doing what I need to do to thrive. And quit feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks you guys, I am planning my next trip away and am embracing my newfound voice. Not easy, but also not too hard.


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