# Losing interest in sex w/ the wife



## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

we've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids. she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.

I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all. 

I'm sure other guys have been through this - how have you handled it?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i'm handling it by not worrying about it. my time and my thoughts are fully occupied with other things (not other women). my wife doesnt seem to care either. once the kids are gone, we will likely end it


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well if you know it's you, what do you think the root of it is?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He wants other women.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

carras said:


> we've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids. she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.
> 
> I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all.
> 
> I'm sure other guys have been through this - how have you handled it?


Okay, have you tried spicing it up? Try new things? Have you done anything to try to change the boredom in the bedroom?

So you'd be okay having sex with other women, but the thought of her with other men is unsettling? Well, what's good for you is good for her. Can't fairly have it both ways, where you can do whomever you want, but she's your "property" and no other man can touch her.

You can either figure out how to make the bedroom more exciting, you can have an open/swinging relationship, you can live with the way things are now, you can cheat (which is awful and would destroy your marriage most likely) or you can divorce and have sex with whatever woman.

Whatever you do, give your wife the option of how she wants to continue her life and be fair to her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should keep her sexually satisfied.
That's your role as a husband and a father, the life you chose for yourself of your own free will.


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

Been there Okeydokie, you can both check out and compete see who can be the least engaged in the marriage. Join a gym, find a hobby. Then when the kids move out, it is easy to dissolve what's left of the relationship. That's how it went for me.


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Okay, have you tried spicing it up? Try new things? Have you done anything to try to change the boredom in the bedroom?
> 
> So you'd be okay having sex with other women, but the thought of her with other men is unsettling? Well, what's good for you is good for her. Can't fairly have it both ways, where you can do whomever you want, but she's your "property" and no other man can touch her.
> 
> ...


I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, but isn't very enthusiastic about it (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.). I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.

I really think she and I are just "wired" differently and though I love her in many, many ways, sexually, we just aren't a great match. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to say it without doing so. I don't want it to ruin/end our marriage - I also don't want to get to a point where we wait for the kids to leave the house and then we part ways - I love her and am in love with her, but my sexual needs/desires are different than hers.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hicks said:


> You should keep her sexually satisfied.
> That's your role as a husband and a father, the life you chose for yourself of your own free will.


but it should be recprical or being the giver all the time gets old!!!!! and thats when boredom set in.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

carras said:


> I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, but isn't very enthusiastic about it (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.). I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.
> 
> I really think she and I are just "wired" differently and though I love her in many, many ways, sexually, we just aren't a great match. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to say it without doing so. I don't want it to ruin/end our marriage - I also don't want to get to a point where we wait for the kids to leave the house and then we part ways - I love her and am in love with her, but my sexual needs/desires are different than hers.


I think you should tell her how you're feeling. Even if it would hurt her feelings. I think it would be more hurtful if you blindsided her later on with wanting a divorce or resorted to cheating. At least both of you would have a choice in what you'd do and it wouldn't be just you calling the shots.

You both could decide on Sex Therapy, an open marriage or divorce. But I do think you owe it to her to at least let her know what you're feeling, how unsatisfied you are with your sex life and where you both would like to go with that information. Don't blindside her though with whatever it is you choose to do, that is never fun, and it is far more hurtful than bringing up issues and talking about them and as a couple deciding what to do from that point on.

Good Luck.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

carras said:


> she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to.


You find her attractive but you don't want to have sex? What is keeping you from wanting your wife? To vanilla, maybe she really is not that sexy, is she not doing what you want sexually? 

Good communication is key here, some talking with your wife about how you feel and your expectations could go a long way to helping your relationship. Why jepardize what you have without trying to fix it first. As mentioned before, look for ways to spice it up. If she enjoys sex, she might be up for more than you know.





carras said:


> I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.


The grass is not always greener on the other side.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

carras said:


> we've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids. she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.
> 
> *I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all. *
> 
> I'm sure other guys have been through this - how have you handled it?


Do you think the thought of you with another woman will sit well with her? I would suggest talking to her about the problem, finding a way to spice things up without bringing others into the marriage.


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## resetbuttonpushed (May 13, 2012)

carras said:


> I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, but isn't very enthusiastic about it (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.). I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.
> 
> I really think she and I are just "wired" differently and though I love her in many, many ways, sexually, we just aren't a great match. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to say it without doing so. I don't want it to ruin/end our marriage - I also don't want to get to a point where we wait for the kids to leave the house and then we part ways - I love her and am in love with her, but my sexual needs/desires are different than hers.


What exactly are the needs and desires that are diffferent, many men would kill to have the things you listed.... clearly she is trying to satisfy both of you... you need to communicate your needs and desires, what are they, figure them out and communicate them.... sounds like she is more than willing to do things that you want to make you happy in the bedroom... swinging is not a good idea, you may as well divorce.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

carras said:


> I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, but isn't very enthusiastic about it (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.). I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.
> 
> I really think she and I are just "wired" differently and though I love her in many, many ways, sexually, we just aren't a great match. *I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to say it without doing so.* I don't want it to ruin/end our marriage - I also don't want to get to a point where we wait for the kids to leave the house and then we part ways - I love her and am in love with her, but my sexual needs/desires are different than hers.


You've already said it to us....you love her, you find her sexy and attractive and you want her to be fulfilled also. Asking her to help you both find a way to spice things up should not upset her if you approach in a positive manner. DON'T tell her you are bored, just express that both of you might enjoy each other more if you could find ways to add some excitement and intimacy to your sex life. It can be a learning and growing experience for both of you if she is open to exploring some options you haven't tried in the past.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

You don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her how you feel? Do you think the rejection is hurting her feelings less? What do YOU do to make things more exciting? She is the one wearing the lingerie and taking pole dancing classes. Are you an interesting and creative lover? Maybe you should make more of an effort instead of avoiding sex and thinking about other women.


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

Ayla said:


> You don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her how you feel? Do you think the rejection is hurting her feelings less? What do YOU do to make things more exciting? She is the one wearing the lingerie and taking pole dancing classes. Are you an interesting and creative lover? Maybe you should make more of an effort instead of avoiding sex and thinking about other women.


I am the one who buys her the lingerie, the pole dancing classes, the toys, etc. 

Thanks for all the input folks. I think I know what I need to do. Much appreciated.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

carras said:


> I am the one who buys her the lingerie, the pole dancing classes, the toys, etc.
> 
> Thanks for all the input folks. I think I know what I need to do. Much appreciated.


For her to use to stimulate you and you wonder why she is less than enthusiastic about it? What do you do?


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

Ayla said:


> For her to use to stimulate you and you wonder why she is less than enthusiastic about it? What do you do?


Ayla - there is clearly a communication problem b/w you and I. You jump to conclusions very quickly. Good night and good luck.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Do a lot of soul searching and experimenting. What does sex mean to you? What is attractive? What drives your lust and passion? Come up with answers and start experimenting. Don’t do it as an expectation for her to provide to you. Figure out what you can do to get it for yourself. Example; I get worked up just touching certain places on my wife like the small of her back or curve of her hip. I can be attracted to her ‘little girl frumpy walk’ she does from time to time. Her horrible singing voice is also alluring for some reason. Basically, start noticing yourself and tune in on those times you do feel that draw. They are there, you probably just take it for granted as you mire yourself down in the ‘have not’ realms... Focus on those little things and build on those little sparks...

Hell, I might even suggest a sex moratorium. During that time practice intimacy; just touching without letting it go to sex. Focus on the longing and let the momentum build. Focus on those things above. 

Worked for me anyway. After my wife’s affairs and the hyperbonding turned toward ‘ugly feelings’ about having sex with her... I had to work on and find ways to encourage those sparks into my bon fire... It won’t happen overnight and it does take effort from you and new perspectives. Hope it helps.


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## Lonely & tired (Jun 26, 2012)

carras said:


> we've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids. she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.
> 
> I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all.
> 
> ...


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

Part of the problem for me is that I can't stop looking at other women - they are soooooo beautiful - and there are so many of them where I live. I can't stop thinking about them! I try to look down, look away, but it's like a sixth sense - if there's a pretty woman anywhere within view, my eyes immediately find her and I'm fixated. It is so distracting. I've been this way my entire life! I've dated and slept with many women and I've never, never been able to remain focused on that one woman - my eyes always wander. It's a disease.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

carras said:


> Part of the problem for me is that I can't stop looking at other women - they are soooooo beautiful - and there are so many of them where I live. I can't stop thinking about them! I try to look down, look away, but it's like a sixth sense - if there's a pretty woman anywhere within view, my eyes immediately find her and I'm fixated. It is so distracting. I've been this way my entire life! I've dated and slept with many women and I've never, never been able to remain focused on that one woman - my eyes always wander. *It's a disease*.


Not a disease. Every man appreciates a beautiful woman. It seems more like self control issues.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

If that's a disease, every man I know suffers from it! I know I certainly do. But while I can appreciate a pretty woman or body, I can detach from it to where it doesn't consume me or make me want to wander. I can look at or comment about a pretty woman, her body, etc., in the presence of the W, and she could care less. She knows how my brain, as a man, is wired, and understands it. She also knows I would never pursue anything outside of our relationship. So, as she said, "it's no skin off my back if you check out a hot chick....hell, I'll check her out too!". She's secure in herself and us. She makes it so easy to be not only a man, but a good man for her. All these "hot numbers" that catch the gaze from time to time could never pull me away from her awesome nature.

As for the boring sex thing...you and her NEED to find a way to be EXCITED about this again. You need to find something to bring the excitment back into the sex life. So many things that can be done, and one or both of you may have to step out of your comfort zone, but you need to find something exciting.

The boredom and "rut" thing is a killer. And sometimes just loving the one your having sex with can be detrimental, almost causing a feeling of "I can't do that with her / him!!! That's my W / H!!!!" Well, they're not your brother / sister, so yes, you can.


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## Lonely & tired (Jun 26, 2012)

carras said:


> Part of the problem for me is that I can't stop looking at other women - they are soooooo beautiful - and there are so many of them where I live. I can't stop thinking about them! I try to look down, look away, but it's like a sixth sense - if there's a pretty woman anywhere within view, my eyes immediately find her and I'm fixated. It is so distracting. I've been this way my entire life! I've dated and slept with many women and I've never, never been able to remain focused on that one woman - my eyes always wander. It's a disease.


If you can't stop looking, then don't. That is not a disease. I look twice at a woman sometimes because they are beautiful. My thoughts and feelings do not surpass "the beauty". I never touched a woman and never will, it is my husband's fantasy which I told him that cannot be fullfilled (being honest is the best way to go). I told him he can fullfil that fantasy on his own (safely as I dont want diseases). Going back to the subject, I dont like women, still I look at some of them. Why can't you? Approaching them, flirting with them is something you should not do, not because it is wrong, but because your family is certainly more important then fullfilling a fantasy. Am I right? 
Also, when I am not sure if something is right or wrong I stop and think: "if someone did it to me, would I be upset?" if answer is yes, then that is my perception of "wrong". Would you be upset if your beautiful wife look at a handsome man? No intentions, just appreciating the beauty? 
When I first caught my husband watching porn it upset me. And I am a very open mind person. It upset me Not because he was watching it but because he was not honest with me, acted like a little boy doing things on mom's back. He could be honest and tell me that he wanted to do it and discuss with me... See if that would be something that would upset me or not. Doing things ones back hurt our partners. I think you should try to see it from the wife's angle. Why? That must be the biggest question in her mind. Am I not good enough? Am I boring? Is he tired of me? Why does he need it if I dont? Well many women dont understand that men's brain is wired different than ours. So she will feel betrayed (she found it out as opposed to you being up front), her self-steam will be messed up as she will think she is the problem... When she isn't it is just you being a man fulfilling a fantasy. I was raised inside the church so as a result "everything" was wrong. I had to fight against my roots and beliefs to become a free person. No judgment. If you want to do something, you talk to the wife and she if does not agree, there are 3 options: stick to the family and give up on whatever you want, give up the family and go for what you want, keep the family and do things on family's back. The last option UNFORTUNATELY is the way most people got for - which is selfish ...it is the way you get all you want, however at the end of the day, you or the ones you love pay for the consequences for the unilateral decision. Sorry you write so well and I dont this is not my first language ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

carras said:


> Ayla - there is clearly a communication problem b/w you and I. You jump to conclusions very quickly. Good night and good luck.


Did Ayla post hit home? I feel so bad for you wife she sounds like a doll. 

You talk about your boredom and your remedy seems to be that women should do something for you. Your wife is pressed into service to entertain you. Woman on the street are there for you to oogle and you even entertain using your wife as an entre into the swinging life. What a nightmare for your wife you must be. God knows she must be trying but she no doubt knows that she is just not up to your low standards. But she is stuck with an immature entitled, self- centered man with two kids she loves. 

I won't tell you that you should not have married knowing that you were ill suited to carry out the responsibilities of a husband and father. Or that you were very deceptive to pledge your fidelity to your wife and bring two innocent souls into the would knowing that you have never been able to hold the interest of one woman for long. What were you thinking? I know, you were thinking of you. But if you and sex is so important to you then stay single, don't be deceptive. 

I wont say that you and your sexual pleasure are not the most important things in all of this. How much porn are you watching? How many years? Learn everything you know about sex from porn? Ever pick up a book on relationships and male and female sexuality? Ever read a book entitled "his needs her needs". The first thing you should do is lay off the porn and stick to real life if you are intersted in the welfare of those you have pledged to take care of - your kids. 

You are imposing on your wife the burden of solving your problems, can you see that? I think you are the problem not your wife, so please stop making her feel inadequate. Be a man and look at yourself. Instead of buying lingerie and pole dancing lessons for her, invest in IC and some books on relationships, love, empathy and compassion. That would be money well spent. 

Actually i think the best money you will ever spend is to get a divorce, and chase down all of the girls you are so attracted to. You will have an endless supply of women to keep you amused. Don't get married and have anymore kids. 

Your wife - don't worry, she will be hurt at first but she was just unlucky to get a man like you, it happens. She will find someone who recognizes her unique value and love her for herself with out the dissapontment and demands that she be a sex entertainer. 

She will see how lucky she was that you are gone to be serviced by 100s of women in exchange, she gets a chance to have a real man in her life. Moreover, her kids have the influence of an adult male by which to pattern their behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

Catherine602 - Thank you for your input. It was very constructive and helpful.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Did Ayla post hit home? I feel so bad for you wife she sounds like a doll.
> 
> You talk about your boredom and your remedy seems to be that women should do something for you. Your wife is pressed into service to entertain you. Woman on the street are there for you to oogle and you even entertain using your wife as an entre into the swinging life. What a nightmare for your wife you must be. God knows she must be trying but she no doubt knows that she is just not up to your low standards. But she is stuck with an immature entitled, self- centered man with two kids she loves.
> 
> ...


Wow. What brought that out? I don't see him as much different than most men in that he finds other women attractive, has the potential to get bored in the bedroom. As of yet he has not admitted to actually straying. But just admitting the thought of wanting to be sexual with another woman brings down the wrath, and he has his fitness as a husband and father challenged? If that's the case, hell, get me while you're at it! I'm as faithful as they come, but yes, I've likely seen a dozen beautiful women today I wouldn't mind having sex with! I'm not looking at their azz because I want to use it as a desktop and write a freakin' memo on it!

So, he was open about being bored, is not sure how to fix it, and mentions the thought of spicing things up through swinging. I think many men (and women) have at least had that thought or fantasy. But he also acknowledges that he could not bear the thought of his wife with another man, so that option is out. Okay, maybe he did not give a great deal of thought to how his wife would feel if she saw him with another woman...but at least he is thinking it through. I've seen nothing to indicate this swinging option is still in consideration as it seems he knows he can't have his cake, but deny his wife her "cake".

He buys her outfits, toys, and pole dancing lessons to try to spice things up. Well hell girl, he doesn't know what else to do, so he's here asking! Of course he's doing it to try to improve his sex life for himself and because these things excite him. Hopefully they excite her and it's a win-win. 

Seems he was coming here to try and address that issue and find ways to fix it. He has obviously come to the conclusion after some self reflection that what he's doing is not working.

Seems he needs an education for one. I think he knows that, and that's why he's here. Yes, I'd recommend some books and a real deep effort to improve things...and not just looking for a quick fix. 

I'd also recommend he do some research, find out how women connect mentally with men sexually, and strive to give her what she needs there. Following that, doing some self improvement and learning sex techniques to please her in ways neither of them thought possible would go a long way towards making things better as well.

To have an extremely satisfying, open, selfless sex life with a parter takes a lot of communication and work. You can see by reading these forums that is very rare indeed. Those of us who have that are in the minority. It's not easy to do, and takes a lot of self reflection, honesty, research and understanding to even make that possible. Then you need to have a partner who has that same commitment to it!


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

And women wonder why men don't tell them things???


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Catherine...

Your seeming a bit angry these days... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Carras...


What's the root of the problem? You want her to initiate more? Be more aggressive? Or are you just missing that wild monkey sex feeling of abbaddon you felt when you first met?

Or is it deeper? The feeling you get when you meet someone in that the doors are wide open, everything is new, and there are still unknown "secrets" that thrill of which you haven't shared yet with that new partner? That admiration feeling you used to get from your wife at the start when you both were discovering each other?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Did Ayla post hit home? I feel so bad for you wife she sounds like a doll.
> 
> You talk about your boredom and your remedy seems to be that women should do something for you. Your wife is pressed into service to entertain you. Woman on the street are there for you to oogle and you even entertain using your wife as an entre into the swinging life. What a nightmare for your wife you must be. God knows she must be trying but she no doubt knows that she is just not up to your low standards. But she is stuck with an immature entitled, self- centered man with two kids she loves.
> 
> ...


I could not have said it better myself.:smthumbup:


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

This is going to get ripped apart, but I'm going to be honest:

Part of it is the chase, the unknown, the challenge, seeing how far I can push her beyond her boundaries, how crazy can I make her, but there's also the newness of different color skin, different smells, different breast size, different nipples, different body types, hair, lips, eyes, etc. 

There's also the lack of (known) baggage in the new partner - obviously, everyone brings their own baggage, but with a new partner, you don't know about it (yet). 

Trust me, I appreciate the great sex that can be had with someone you know and love and have been with for a while. But I also know the great sex that can be had with someone you've just met and lust after.

I realize the audience here is pro the former and anti the latter, so fire away.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I already said my piece in the other thread, so - lots of it I won't repeat, but - I can say, you are presenting a different picture on this thread, than the one in the Ladies Corner. 

Your wife cannot suddenly become a Star Trek holodeck creation and morph into different people with different smells and different nipples. If that is ultimately, what you want - it's unfair to say that the reason is her lack of enthusiasm. Your wife being enthusiastic about the lingerie won't change those things. And perhaps, at some level - she knows what the issue is. You indicated she is indeed aware of it, and has been the butt of your friend's jokes about your past reputation for sexual prowess. 

So, perhaps, at least some part of her knows that it is a Band-Aid on a gaping wound, that she knows you want to return to who you were, and so she tries half-heartedly, but knows in the end, it won't help. 

You want honest responses from people, but - present two very different sides. Either you are looking for advice on how to stay with your wife, or you are looking for people to validate your desire to cheat. This isn't (infamous cheaters hookup website), overall, people aren't pro-cheating, especially no doubt when two children are involved. 

Maybe you need to decide what exactly it is you want first.


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> I already said my piece in the other thread, so - lots of it I won't repeat, but - I can say, you are presenting a different picture on this thread, than the one in the Ladies Corner.
> 
> Your wife cannot suddenly become a Star Trek holodeck creation and morph into different people with different smells and different nipples. If that is ultimately, what you want - it's unfair to say that the reason is her lack of enthusiasm. Your wife being enthusiastic about the lingerie won't change those things. And perhaps, at some level - she knows what the issue is. You indicated she is indeed aware of it, and has been the butt of your friend's jokes about your past reputation for sexual prowess.
> 
> ...


I'm curious - how do you think I am presenting a "very different picture" in this thread than in the other? 

I DO NOT WANT TO CHEAT - I am here to get the opinions, feedback, suggestions of others to fix MY problem! Not my wife's problem - MY PROBLEM.

I don't know what is wrong with me - why I can't be satisfied with the love and affection of one beautiful woman but I am trying to overcome it. 

I heard a very crude saying once - find me a hot chick and I'll find you a guy who is sick of ******* her. I am falling down that road to being one of those a$$holes and I WANT TO PREVENT THAT - THAT IS WHY I AM HERE!

I have been to therapy - was in it for three months - maybe I got stuck with the wrong counselor, but all this WOMAN did was validate my feelings - I think you can see why I haven't been back. 

But seriously - how is what I'm saying here different from the thread in the other section?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

carras said:


> I have been to therapy - was in it for three months - maybe I got stuck with the wrong counselor, but all this WOMAN did was validate my feelings - I think you can see why I haven't been back.


I say this with all the kindness I can muster. Maybe it's just true. Maybe you are just not the monogomous kind. And thats okay seriously. Maybe this is just who you are and trying to fit a round peg in a square hole just won't work. And the more you try to deny what you really want the more it will plague you. Maybe you do need to leave your wife so you can chase all the newness you want.

But that's a problem isn't it? You want to cake eat. You want your wife AND the newness of other women. Sadly it doesn't work that way.

Again I mean no disrespect. This is going to come down to deciding what you want more. Your wife or newness. However if you are unable to get turned on by your wife to do your husbandly duty you owe it to her to let her go. It's the honorable thing to do.


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I say this with all the kindness I can muster. Maybe it's just true. Maybe you are just not the monogomous kind. And thats okay seriously. Maybe this is just who you are and trying to fit a round peg in a square hole just won't work. And the more you try to deny what you really want the more it will plague you. Maybe you do need to leave your wife so you can chase all the newness you want.
> 
> But that's a problem isn't it? You want to cake eat. You want your wife AND the newness of other women. Sadly it doesn't work that way.
> 
> Again I mean no disrespect. This is going to come down to deciding what you want more. Your wife or newness. However if you are unable to get turned on by your wife to do your husbandly duty you owe it to her to let her go. It's the honorable thing to do.


No, its not OK. I made a commitment to her and to my kids and I will not break that commitment.

I can't believe I'm the only one who struggles with this as much as I do. Is the world really just divided up into guys who don't care and cheat, guys who knew who they were and didn't get married, and guys who don't have these feelings/urges. I find that hard to believe.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

carras said:


> I can't believe I'm the only one who struggles with this as much as I do. Is the world really just divided up into guys who don't care and cheat, guys who knew who they were and didn't get married, and guys who don't have these feelings/urges. I find that hard to believe.


That's a really good question and one I can't answer since I'm female.

My husband didn't sleep around and is quite content to just be with me for the rest of his life. And not to be a snit about it but at 46 years old finding someone else that looks as good as me or one that will put out as much as I do would be difficult for him. 

You evidently don't have this problem so I see your dilema.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Don't beat yourself up. Most guys have those urges. Hell....sometimes I even think about how "that girl at the supermarket" would moan as I slide deep into her and pinch her nipple. I think it's just a guy thing, perhaps.

It seems like you have it very bad with your emotional turmoil. Honestly, I don't have THE answer for you though. I'm not sure anyone here does either. Hopefully you get some coping advice from other members. I think your into a big self discovery moment of your life my friend. Time for some soul searching to find those answers you need. Find out what's important in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Only you can reign in those thoughts, as for what might help? Meditation? Prayer? A different therapist? You need to find a management technique that works for you. 

But, I'll reiterate what others said in different threads, you aren't going to be able to coordinate that management technique by feeding these thoughts and fantasies while continuing with the porn use you mention on the other thread. You can't continue to flood your thoughts about all those different - women and their "new" body parts and keep it from your mind. 

Further - I'm going to suggest even if you embrace a different management technique long-term, you need to hook up with a different therapist and look deeper into all of this, as - you mention "baggage" about how you wouldn't know what someone new's baggage is. I think it's time to deal with that baggage, whether that means individual or couple's therapy or both.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

carras said:


> I can't believe I'm the only one who struggles with this as much as I do. Is the world really just divided up into guys who don't care and cheat, guys who knew who they were and didn't get married, and guys who don't have these feelings/urges. I find that hard to believe.


I have been watching this thread and I thought by now you would have found a way out of your dilemma. I see now you haven't. You would have to recognize why you have this problem first.

Despite what you say. You sir, are not in love with your wife.

It is normal for men to look at women, and have lustful feelings. Men who are in LOVE with their wives, know it's just a passing thought, and their minds go back to their wives.

I can not tell you what you should do about your commitment. I believe that it had something to do with love and cherish.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Catherine...
> 
> Your seeming a bit angry these days...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alpha Maybe you are right, this does strike a nerve with me. I guess i put myself in his wife's place and identify with her. I am a wife and mother. I try very hard to make my husband happy. It would be terrible for me to know that no matter how hard I tried I am still not enough for my husband. 

For men like this poster, it is never enough , never good enough, sex sex sex. A woman value is based on the sexual pleasure he dirives from her. He talks about his wife as if she is a prop - he gets her undergarments to titillate himself, he does not ask her what she likes that does not matter. She is a manakin but alas she does not perform well poor thing. 

I am sure he lets her know she failed him. He has the nerve to enroll her in pole dancing classes, why? I doubt if he asked if she was interested in wasting her time on that stupidness but he thinks about his titillation. She fails again, she is not a pole dancer, who knew. She probably did not think she would need to have that skill when she was maturing into a woman who woukd make a good wife and mother. 

He is bored, so his wife is treated like a cardboard figure and manipulated into what he thinks will give him a thrill. I cant figure out why that is ok. I thoght sex was a mutually satisfying expression of love. This sounds like a service his wife is requireed to supply. 

The way he approaches this - she has no say in what she wants, she is required to fix herself to meet his demands and feel nothing when she feels. She can expect no solace from him if she can't perform he is too busy looking at all of the woman he could have if he did not have a dud of a wife. 

He has a right to feel whatever he feels. If he is attracted to other women, is his right as a red blooded man. As a human being, he has an obligation to treat his wife with respect, compassion and kindness. If she does not now measure up to his standards of arrousal, he should make an orderly exit. I am not suggesting he find out what she is feeling because that is not what concerns him. He is concerned with himself only. 

He is not asking how to make thier sex life more exciting for both of them. This is all about her relieving him of boredom. And that is ok? Who the hell is he that he thinks one human being needs to concern hrself with his sexual boredom.? 

I think I am a fairly good wife to a wonderful man. My husband seems happy. However, after reading so many post by men like this OP with expectations that far outstrip their abilities, i really wonder. Doesn't seem to make any difference what a woman does, it is never enough. 

Sometimes i think the woman who dont try so hard have it right. If any random women that he passes in the street who has invested nothing in him, never has and doubtless never will meet any of his needs can be so easily elevated to a position of importance in his heard, then why the hell are wives trying so hard? Maybe getting past the wedding and the kids and then shutting down is more adaptive than it seems at first. These woman certainly maintain their self respect and autonomy and dont become puppets on a string trying to keep their husbands sexually amused. 

End of rant. It is safe to start reading now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Solution - let your wife go and live the single life. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Some people like being married and can manage to enjoy the perks and forgo the freedom to roam. You may not be that type of person. You are not bad for being you. Just don't deceive anyone. You made a mistake by getting married and having kids, don't compound the mistake by making your wife feel inadequate.

There is someone for your wife, someone who will think she is just what he has been waiting for. Just because she is not enough for you does not mean that other men are as blind as you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Alpha Maybe you are right, this does strike a nerve with me. I guess i put myself in his wife's place and identify with her. I am a wife and mother. I try very hard to make my husband happy. It would be terrible for me to know that no matter how hard I tried I am still not enough for my husband.
> 
> For men like this poster, it is never enough , never good enough, sex sex sex. A woman value is based on the sexual pleasure he dirives from her. He talks about his wife as if she is a prop - he gets her undergarments to titillate himself, he does not ask her what she likes that does not matter. She is a manakin but alas she does not perform well poor thing.
> 
> ...



This is an interesting and thought provoking post, Catherine. Well stated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

This is my first time posting and chatting in a relationship forum and I can see it was a BIG, BIG mistake. 

Not sure why, but I thought I might be able to get some fair, unbiased, objective opinions about my situation, but I see that was a wholly unreasonable expectation.

Many of you, either consciously or subconsciously, bring your own experiences, scorn, joy, love, hardships, etc. into the responses you post. You read what you want to read, see what you you've experienced in your lives in my situation and draw assumptions and conclusions based thereon. That, frankly, is not what helping people is about - helping people is about seeing a situation as objectively as possible - without prejudice, bias or a skewed perspective which you carry from the beginning and cannot shed despite the additional information that is provided.

I know that I am an excellent husband. I support my wife in every way imaginable - in her career, with the household chores, the children, her social life, staying in shape, in the bedroom, with her family - everything! Over the years I have continually asked her what she wants in the bedroom and have responded accordingly - she is VERY satisfied in that arena - she is very satisfied with me as a husband in EVERY arena - except with how often we have sex lately (which is due to MANY reasons - not just my lack of interest in sex with her).

You have no idea how I talk to my wife, how I treat her, what I do for her so keep your assumptions and opinions to yourself. I have never manipulated, used or abused my wife in any way, shape or form. She has a say in everything - EVERYTHING! I am not a domineering husband at all. I respect her (and all women) a great deal. She credits me for all of her successes in life (and she is a very, VERY successful career woman). 

She just happens to be lacking in the bedroom - and yes, she has tried, WE have tried to improve it. Before me, she never orgasmed. I helped her with that and now she climaxes several times and can't get enough of me. I have helped her relax and enjoy sex like never before. We worked on her for years. You think maybe now I'm entitled to a little work?

There's so much more to this, and if I really thought going deeper would lead to some progress, I would divulge, but I can clearly see that is not the case. I see this has been a complete waste of time and those of you with your 1000's of posts, spewing what you believe to be valuable opinions (as opposed to support and advice - yes, there is a difference) should really find yourselves another hobby - all you're doing is damaging others (and yourselves).

You people who throw barbs and cast stones, I pity you, I really do. 

Good luck to you all. Honestly.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

carras said:


> This is my first time posting and chatting in a relationship forum and I can see it was a BIG, BIG mistake.
> 
> Not sure why, but I thought I might be able to get some fair, unbiased, objective opinions about my situation, but I see that was a wholly unreasonable expectation.
> 
> ...


Great post!! I agree 1000000000000000% because this is more the truth than any reply in this thread


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What gets me about you carras is you sound like about 2-3 different men. One minute you're the casanova who can get any babe he wants and lusts after anything with boobs. That you want something "new". The next you're the doting husband with a wife who doesn't appreciate you.

With that last post I'm totally confused.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Caras,

People can only post on their own life experiences. That's the basis of human nature. Some will cast stones, some will not. You need to take what you read and digest what's most applicable to your own situation. Take care in your journey, friend. Hopefully you will find your answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

carras said:


> I'm curious - how do you think I am presenting a "very different picture" in this thread than in the other?
> 
> I DO NOT WANT TO CHEAT - I am here to get the opinions, feedback, suggestions of others to fix MY problem! Not my wife's problem - MY PROBLEM.
> 
> ...


My husband lost interest in sex with me four years ago. Last year we had sex four times. He is a chronic masturbator. Once or twice (that I know of) every day of his life. I have tried everything. It is not me. He is a bigtime skirt chaser. He flirts right infront of me with any woman with a pulse. He too says it is in the chase. I can not begin to tell you how humiliating it is for me. I am an attractive female, who really enjoys and misses being sexually active with my husband. Then he goes and has an EA and pushes hard for a PA with a coworker. And trawls with many different women online, looking for any takers. I have never felt so inadequate. Never felt so unloved. Now we are in couples counseling. He is off porno for 2 weeks now. We established a transparent relationship (I hope). I had confronted him telling him, "You no longer find me sexually appealing, and you need to confess this, and cut me loose. I am still young and vital, and need to live a fuller life than the one you provide me." He insists he is still attracted to me. Words and actions are very different. And at the marriage counselor's last week, his eyes glaze over when he talks about the OW. "I was extremely physically attracted to her" he says. It made me really sick. Get yourself another counselor. Get some help. What you are feeling is not normal, and very destructive to the woman you love.


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

Cyber Cheating Stinks said:


> My husband lost interest in sex with me four years ago. Last year we had sex four times. He is a chronic masturbator. Once or twice (that I know of) every day of his life. I have tried everything. It is not me. He is a bigtime skirt chaser. He flirts right infront of me with any woman with a pulse. He too says it is in the chase. I can not begin to tell you how humiliating it is for me. I am an attractive female, who really enjoys and misses being sexually active with my husband. Then he goes and has an EA and pushes hard for a PA with a coworker. And trawls with many different women online, looking for any takers. I have never felt so inadequate. Never felt so unloved. Now we are in couples counseling. He is off porno for 2 weeks now. We established a transparent relationship (I hope). I had confronted him telling him, "You no longer find me sexually appealing, and you need to confess this, and cut me loose. I am still young and vital, and need to live a fuller life than the one you provide me." He insists he is still attracted to me. Words and actions are very different. And at the marriage counselor's last week, his eyes glaze over when he talks about the OW. "I was extremely physically attracted to her" he says. It made me really sick. Get yourself another counselor. Get some help. What you are feeling is not normal, and very destructive to the woman you love.


I am truly sorry to hear that you are going through that - I wish you luck with the counseling and hope you are able to work things out.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Carras, just curious after reading your breast thread in the ladies lounge...is your wife self conscious about her body? Have low self esteem because of body image?

At one time I had been very insecure about how I looked and found out from my husband that it was probably the biggest turn off for him. Just wondering if your case is similar to ours and that's whats turning you off?


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## carras (Jun 26, 2012)

bubbly girl said:


> Carras, just curious after reading your breast thread in the ladies lounge...is your wife self conscious about her body? Have low self esteem because of body image?
> 
> At one time I had been very insecure about how I looked and found out from my husband that it was probably the biggest turn off for him. Just wondering if your case is similar to ours and that's whats turning you off?


Despite my earlier post about not divulging more...I think this could help some.

It is certainly part of it. She is very self conscious about her breasts and nipples. Something we worked on for a very, very long time but she could never get past. It is to the point that she doesn't even want me to touch them. 

She has been talking about getting implants for years and I have continually tried to talk her out of it because I wasn't sure if she wanted to do it for me (which I've told her she should NOT do) or for herself (which is a decision she has to make on her own). I am beginning to think this is something she wants/needs to do for herself. This conversation is still an open subject for us and why I posted about it on the other board so I can help her with the decision.

One of the things I am most attracted to is a confident woman, a woman who is secure in herself and her abilities, a woman who is comfortable and secure in her own skin - WHATEVER THAT SKIN MAY BE. Her insecurity is a turn off for me. It has gotten better with the two of us working together. Me being turned off by it is definitely something we need to talk about - THANKS!

I knew there would be some good to come out of this.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

bubbly girl-I had the same suspicion~I can totally identify with this. My hubby says my attitude about my body makes a huge difference to him. Having 3 kids & nursing for over 4 yrs. has worked my body over. The biggest problem my h had with it all, was how I felt about it. 

carras- do you think that if she still had her natural boobs, but let you touch them & really enjoy them & she enjoyed it too, you would feel less apt to check out other women?
If she stripped down, happily & jumped your ass with bounding enthusiasm, with the exact body she has, but with a brand new attitude, what would that do for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I read a book last year that might be useful to your wife..and to you if she won't read it..it's called *The Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships*. It's by David Schnarch. It's available on Amazon.com and you could maybe find it at a local bookstore as well. The author tackles the issues you've had in sexual relationship with your wife.

I don't get a penny for recommending the book so there's no profit motive for me. I have to warn you the book is somewhat cerebral and at times a cure for insomnia, but if you read the book all the way through, you'll find nuggets of wisdom. Read it even if your wife won't. I'm pretty sure it will help you.
http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Ma...37378&sr=8-1&keywords=the+passionate+marriage

And if you decide to pursue some woman you see on the street for a new sexual experience with a new woman, remember the immortal words of Mr. Spock. " you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't think that it is unreasonable for some posters to see your current problems as avoidable if you had not married. In fact your inability to maintain attraction to one woman for long, is not a problem at all. 

That is, if you were honest with women you had relationships with and you did not marry and have children. However, you did marry and you had children knowing that your issues would crop up again. 

Not only did you marry but you elected to make your wife the problem. Looked at in that light, can you see why your wife might garner some sympathy? After all, she is not responsible for your boredom nor is she responsible for solving it. Expecting her to remake herself into the latest random girl who gets your sexual attention seems a little unfair to me. 

Instead of lashing out at people who are sympathetic to your wife why don't you consider the possibility that she may deserve your compassion for being placed in such an impossible situation. You can cherry pick among the post and select the ones that support your view of the situation but I don't think that will help you. 

I think you should solve the problems you created and stop blaming your wife. Stop trying to make her into the image of the latest girl who makes you hot. Do you feel that is fair to her? 

Many times, people who are easily bored are themselves boring and self centered. They are observers passing judgement on the scenery. In your original posts, you seem to regard women as decorative objects that exist to entertain and satisfy your sexual needs, to be discarded when you get bored. 

Too bad you cant see the richness of getting to know more than the sexual anatomy of women. If you took the time to get to know the person inside, you might actually not be so boring. Also realizing that women have feelings, just like you would help as well. Women are a lot more than you seem to appreciate. Why don't you try to explore the inner workings and feelings of your wife, outside of her sexual value to you? 

No matter what you decide to do, I think you should try to be as humane and sensitive for the feelings of your innocent family members as possible. It may be uncomfortable to hear these things or they may not be applicable to your situation but it is there for your consideration.


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## xena74 (May 5, 2012)

Carrus, I think it's completly normal for men to look at other women. Most men I beleave do this because it's just part of the testoserone thing they have. Most men who look at porn imagine themselves with those women I would assume too. 

My husband looks at porn, so do I for that matter, doesn't bother me at all. I can appriciate a beautifull women who walks by. 

Your attracted to confident women, your wife has lost that confidence that attracted you to her in the first place. Help her build her self esteem, and work on your relationship. Cheating is not a option. But I don't think looking is cheating. If my DH gets turned on by whatever means, Good for me!

I would try to find a MC that tells you like it is, not one that says what you want just because your paying them. Work on your problem, help her with hers, and keep trying to make it work. 

My 2 cents...


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi Carras
I hope I can relate to your dilemma. You love your wife and so it isn't about separating or having affairs (otherwise you wouldn't have posted for others opinions, you would just do it). I feel it is clear you want to stay with her, your question of being a good husband/father isn't really the topic. It appears to me the issue is lust.

As others have said lust is a part of this world, however I feel it doesn't have to be the boss. It doesn't have to consume you (and all you love). It can be reduced/extinguished. Below you describe 'sensual craving', all that you want is new sensual experiences: touch, smell, colours, even new stimulating ideas.

As others have said, there is fuel for the fire e.g. internet porn, taking time to look at women in the street THEN thinking about them and what might unfold with them. The emphasis here is that there are two parts: 1) seeing/sensing/feeling beauty and lust and 2) thinking about it.

Part 1) (sensual lust) seems to be a normal reaction through the senses. It just happens (most people will recognise it) However some men will have overcome it.

Part 2) (thoughts) can be overcome by replacing the thinking part with other thoughts e.g. thinking about how lucky you are to be married to you wife, thinking about hobbies e.g. sports etc. The thoughts can be stopped just as they start.

It isn't a fool proof method, but it helps with practice. If this technique doesn't appeal then it might be that there is still a strong desire for sensual experiences (women). It can help to distance oneself and see that this feeling isn't yours or it isn't important. "Carras isn't lust or slave to lust". Separating oneself from lust helps to see that lust is a drive, like hunger, which isn't personal and so can be ignored by turning thoughts away from it. It starts and stops, we can be quicker in out method to stop it or focus it on our partners.

I hope this give a slightly different angle to this and would be interested in your opinion. If you find a solution different to this too please share it. I am still learning too. 






carras said:


> This is going to get ripped apart, but I'm going to be honest:
> 
> Part of it is the chase, the unknown, the challenge, seeing how far I can push her beyond her boundaries, how crazy can I make her, but there's also the newness of different color skin, different smells, different breast size, different nipples, different body types, hair, lips, eyes, etc.
> 
> ...


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Carras,
When I was a teenager I had a summer job working for my home town's Park Department. They hired us troubled teens and worked us really hard so we would not commit crimes during the summer months when school was out. My boss one summer was a MAN who treated me like a MAN. No BS, no excuses, no whining, no belly aching or the likes. And when you did one of those things he would walk up to you; get within 4 inches of your face, look you in the eyes, poke you in the chest and say, "It's time to GROW UP!"

With respect to your wife and your "Rubber Necking" it is time for you to "Grow Up". It is really that simple. No magic pills, statistics or therapy will change it. It is simply a decision you have to make and live by. If you don't, someday you'll wish you had. Mark my words...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ayla said:


> What do YOU do to make things more exciting? She is the one wearing the lingerie and taking pole dancing classes. Are you an interesting and creative lover? Maybe you should make more of an effort instead of avoiding sex and thinking about other women.


Yeah, I picked up on this and am also confused.

What about the sex life bothers you so much? Does she just lay there and expect you to service her several times a week?

Is the problem with the spiciness that you ask her to do things and she clearly is not into it and thus only does it half-heartedly (analogous to duty sex, where you'd rather not get it at all than get it like that)? Is her techique bad? Or it is that she does it to a tee and you are still not interested in her?


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