# Unexpected second child - wife wants an abortion.



## Seppuku

I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

Tuesday: Have a wisdom tooth pulled; stubborn little guy didn't want to come out. In the dentists chair for 3.5 hours.

Wednesday: Face swollen and hurting, pulled a muscle in my back picking up my daughter - can barely walk but I manage.

Wednesday Night: Laying on the couch feeling sick because I took an antibiotic on an empty stomach, and just trying to get some rest, my wife comes and shows me a pregnancy test. It's positive.

My head is spinning - this pregnancy is not expected; it's a rough time for us, financially and for other reasons; we both know that. Lots of crying (on her part). Lots of blame (also on her part). She calls her sister who comes over, and offers to help take her to "take care of it."

Thursday: She's got an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow to verify pregnancy and tell how far along she is. I overhear a phone call from a clinic - she's already made an appointment to have the "procedure" done; apparently she already knows all of the lingo (awake, twilight, before 8 weeks it can be just a pill, after 8 weeks it's invasive, she'll be in the place for 5.5 hours).

Here's the kicker - we are both devout Christians and don't believe in abortion (with certain exceptions). I can barely fathom that she would even consider it; but now that she's already got appointments (although she's still saying she doesn't know what she wants to do), I can't look at her the same way.

She asked me if I wanted to have this baby; knowing where she was heading and wanting to avoid conflict, I said something along the lines of "part of me says yes, and part of me is still trying to grasp this." Apparently she wants me to agree with having an abortion, otherwise she'll "feel bad" and she's worried that I'll "resent her" if she goes through with it.

The fact of the matter is - I probably will. I already can't look at her the same way, for even going as far as she did. I mean, talking about it and throwing ideas around is one thing, but making appointments? Checking with insurance to see if it's covered? I feel like one of our core principles is being tossed aside because it would complicate our lives too much.

I want another child. Not like this, I wanted to plan for it like we did with our first, but serendipity has befallen us. I can't, in my mind or in my heart, justify having an abortion. As soon as I saw that pregnancy test, the image of another little girl popped into my head. A baby smiling at me. Two sisters playing with their daddy. Part of me was actually happy.

The dilemma - How do I express this to her without her feeling like I'm trying to force her to have the baby? If she goes through with an abortion, it could very well end our marriage. I know I won't want to be intimate with her anymore. I already don't.

Our whole family is Christian; we would have to keep this secret from both of our parents for the rest of our lives. My mom occasionally asks when we are having another child. I don't think I could look her in the eye after something like this. I don't think i would want to stay married to my wife if it came down to that.

She's telling me that she doesn't want me to resent her if she does this, but at the same time I don't want to pressure her into having the baby and end up resenting me every time she looks at him/her.

I looked at my daughter today and got teary-eyed at the thought of telling her that she might have had a sibling; that her parents are hypocrites.

Has anyone ever had this situation before? What do I do?


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## Lyris

She sounds frightened and upset. You sound very upset too. I'm very sorry you're in this situation.

Firstly, you have some time here. Assuming it's early, you really have several weeks to decide. Find a counsellng service, please find a non-biased one though. Maybe through a women's shelter or a community medical clinic. 

Then, talk more to your wife. What is it she's most worried about? Finances? Health? Added work and responsibility? How old is your first? How does she sleep? Is your wife mostly the one responsible for night wakings etc? Did she have any depression after the birth, or was the birth very difficult? 

And how is your relationship? Are you generally happy and in love? If things are strained, maybe your wife is worried about adding the pressure of another baby.

My heart goes out to you. When I read your vision of two little girls, I wanted to cry because I have two little girls myself who are adored by their dad. I am actually pro choice myself, but in your case I hope you can find some way to help your wife feel happy about this pregnancy.


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## 827Aug

That's so sad. Since you and your wife are both Christians, this shouldn't even be an issue. Be sure to pray and ask for God's guidance. 

This child is a gift from God. If there is no way to keep the child, at least allow another family to receive the gift.


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## Seppuku

Lyris said:


> Then, talk more to your wife. What is it she's most worried about? Finances? Health? Added work and responsibility? How old is your first? How does she sleep? Is your wife mostly the one responsible for night wakings etc? Did she have any depression after the birth, or was the birth very difficult?
> 
> And how is your relationship? Are you generally happy and in love? If things are strained, maybe your wife is worried about adding the pressure of another baby.


I honestly don't know what she's worried about. I think she's worried about her work - she has a very stressful job, but she doesn't see this is a way to leverage herself into less stressful situations. She's worried about finances like day care (which I pay anyway).

I've asked her a few times before all this happened that if we won the lottery, would she have another child. She says possibly, but then qualifies it by telling me that any pregnancy where the mother is 35 or older is considered high risk.

She'd already done the calculations - if this goes to term, the baby would be born 15 days after her 35th birthday.

And the there are the nightcaps - she has one EVERY NIGHT. Even after she found out she was pregnant, she kept doing it, even in the face of my protests.

It's almost like this abortion is a forgone conclusion in her mind; barely any discussion, any reasoning. Just more "it's too much for me right now."

Her health is fine, there were no complications with the first baby.

Our first is 3.

She doesn't sleep well; never did. Regardless, I was the one responsible for taking care of our first - she slept in a bassinet next to our bed; I changed and fed her more than 90% of the time.

She had no depression after birth, although she was overwhelmed with taking care of her - I had a lot of experience with babies so most of that responsibility fell on me.

She is not motherly at all - when she addresses our daughter, more than half the time it's with a harsh tone.

I'm starting to think she never wanted more than one child and just told me that to keep stringing me along.

Our relationship was fine (actually on an upswing) before this happened.

How do I broach the subject with her without sounding like I'm just pressuring her to have the baby?


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## Seppuku

827Aug said:


> That's so sad. Since you and your wife are both Christians, this shouldn't even be an issue.


_This is what I don't understand._ Why are we even discussing this right now? I'm so sad.

We've prayed about it but I think she has her heart set on abortion and I don't understand why.


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## Acoa

You need to tell her the truth. Because if you don't and she goes through with it you will resent her, but you won't be able to express that honestly because you lied to her before. So your resentment will come out in passive aggressive ways. 

It sounds like you are genuinely worried about your wife too. That is good, make sure to open with that. Balance your desire to have the baby with your concerns that it will make both of your more difficult. Find a way to start coupled thereapy, learn how to communicate with each other.


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## missymrs80

As a christian man, LEAD your wife to the right decision for YOUR family. She needs your guidance and leadership. Once she sees that from you, she may feel less afraid and worried to have another child at this time.


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## Seppuku

missymrs80 said:


> As a christian man, LEAD your wife to the right decision for YOUR family. She needs your guidance and leadership. Once she sees that from you, she may feel less afraid and worried to have another child at this time.


I will tell you that I have been trying; I tried to come from a loving place, not confrontational, and she just exploded.

I started with something like "what did you like about being pregnant the first time?"

She responded with "DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE THIS BABY?!"

I don't know how to deal with it - we had a big "discussion" about it today and I expressed my feelings, but she didn't seem to even be receptive; she doesn't want to be pregnant. She said it multiple times. She doesn't want to be pregnant; she doesn't want another baby right now.

I walked away and cried for a while, until my 3 year old found me and hugged me until I stopped.


My heart is broken.


I won't give up, though. It's a little difficult when I can't bring myself to look her in the eye.

She actually said to me this morning: "I will never forget this. The way you're treating me right now."

If she goes through with this, I don't know how much longer we'll be married.


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## Seppuku

It seems to me that it's more important for her to assign blame for her pregnancy than to actually talk to me about it. Every time I talk to her, the conversation devolves into "What happened? Why didn't you wear a condom? I told you . . ." etc. etc.

I don't care who's fault it is; i said if you want to blame me, I'll accept responsibility - it's my fault. Now what? It doesn't change anything. I hope it makes her feel better to feel like it's my fault. It sure doesn't make me feel any worse.


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## norajane

Seppuku said:


> I've asked her a few times before all this happened that if we won the lottery, would she have another child. She says possibly, but then qualifies it by telling me that any pregnancy where the mother is 35 or older is considered high risk.
> 
> She'd already done the calculations - if this goes to term, the baby would be born 15 days after her 35th birthday.


That may be a legitimate worry for her. Also, an older mother has increased odds of having a child with a physical or mental challenges. 

But if that's on her mind, she's not likely to want another child in the future, because she'll be even older then.



> It's almost like this abortion is a forgone conclusion in her mind; barely any discussion, any reasoning. *Just more "it's too much for me right now."*
> 
> Her health is fine, there were no complications with the first baby.
> 
> Our first is 3.
> 
> *She doesn't sleep well; never did. * Regardless, I was the one responsible for taking care of our first - she slept in a bassinet next to our bed; I changed and fed her more than 90% of the time.
> 
> She had no depression after birth, although *she was overwhelmed with taking care of her* - I had a lot of experience with babies so most of that responsibility fell on me.
> 
> *She is not motherly at all* - when she addresses our daughter, more than half the time it's with a harsh tone.
> 
> I'm starting to think she never wanted more than one child and just told me that to keep stringing me along.


She may have changed her mind about more kids after having one. It doesn't sound like she is enjoying motherhood.



> It seems to me that it's more important for her to assign blame for her pregnancy than to actually talk to me about it. Every time I talk to her, the conversation devolves into "What happened? Why didn't you wear a condom? I told you . . ." etc. etc.


Since she didn't want a child and you didn't wear a condom, yes, she probably resents being in this position now and she resents you for putting her in this position (because you didn't wear the condom). 

She brings up "blame" because she is angry, upset, and feels trapped. There is no "win" here for her because she doesn't want a baby, and you don't want her to get an abortion, so no matter what she does, you will either "hate" her or she will "hate" feeling forced into bearing another child. She probably also hates herself right now since she will be going against her principles to do something she never thought she would do.

She is very frustrated, angry, and emotional right now. And probably panicking. She's not going to listen to you about this because she is so upset about it. Did you apologize for not wearing the condom? Maybe that would help her feel a little better.

I'm afraid I don't have any good advice. Compassion for her perspective might help get her into a mindframe where she will listen to your perspective.


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## norajane

> She asked me if I wanted to have this baby; knowing where she was heading and wanting to avoid conflict, I said something along the lines of "*part of me says yes*, and part of me is still trying to grasp this."





> *I want another child. Not like this*, I wanted to plan for it like we did with our first, but serendipity has befallen us. I can't, in my mind or in my heart, justify having an abortion. As soon as I saw that pregnancy test, the image of another little girl popped into my head. A baby smiling at me. Two sisters playing with their daddy. *Part of me was actually happy*.


These comments struck me...only part of you wants this baby.

It seems your wife feels much stronger about not having a baby, than you do about having one. If I'm getting that impression, maybe your wife is too?



> I will tell you that I have been trying; I tried to come from a loving place, not confrontational, and she just exploded.
> 
> I started with something like "what did you like about being pregnant the first time?"
> 
> She responded with "DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE THIS BABY?!"


Why would she ask that if you had already told her that you want this baby?

Did you say "yes, I absolutely want to have this baby with you?" Did you give her a hug and say that? 



> I don't know how to deal with it - we had a big "discussion" about it today and I expressed my feelings, but she didn't seem to even be receptive; she doesn't want to be pregnant. She said it multiple times. She doesn't want to be pregnant; she doesn't want another baby right now.
> 
> I walked away and cried for a while, until my 3 year old found me and hugged me until I stopped.
> 
> 
> My heart is broken.


Believe me, even though it seems to you she's made a decision and she knows her course of action, she is still thinking about it, and always will, no matter what she decides. 

What kind of woman is your wife? Is she more practical? Get your spreadsheets out and do the math and show her how you can make this work financially. Address her concerns about her job. If she's stressed now, she's imagining how much more stressed she will be through a pregnancy and with a new baby. Talk to her about what you can do to help her through it, specifically. Show her that the two of you are a team and can make this work. 

Is she a dreamer? If so, in a quiet moment, take her hand, hold her close and tell her how happy it made you to get that image in your head of a baby smiling, and two little sisters playing with their daddy and mommy. Tell her about your vision for you as a family, about watching the kids grow and have their own families as you grow older together, grandkids. Tell her about the kind of life that what would be fulfilling to you. Ask her if that is her vision, too. If it isn't, ask her what her vision is. If she needs time to think, give it to her. Thinking is good.

Either she feels it, too, or she doesn't, but I think it would help if you both were very clear about your thoughts and feelings. Maybe you will learn that your vision and your wife's vision for the future are not the same. This is something you need to find out.


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## Seppuku

norajane said:


> Since she didn't want a child and you didn't wear a condom, yes, she probably resents being in this position now and she resents you for putting her in this position (because you didn't wear the condom).
> 
> She brings up "blame" because she is angry, upset, and feels trapped. There is no "win" here for her because she doesn't want a baby, and you don't want her to get an abortion, so no matter what she does, you will either "hate" her or she will "hate" feeling forced into bearing another child. She probably also hates herself right now since she will be going against her principles to do something she never thought she would do.
> 
> She is very frustrated, angry, and emotional right now. And probably panicking. She's not going to listen to you about this because she is so upset about it. Did you apologize for not wearing the condom? Maybe that would help her feel a little better.
> 
> I'm afraid I don't have any good advice. Compassion for her perspective might help get her into a mindframe where she will listen to your perspective.


Yes, I have apologized many times for not wearing the condom, but there is more to that story - she _knew_ I wasn't wearing one, and when I said I needed to get one, she said something like "just come on." She was very aroused and we had already done it twice that day. I also didn't know that she was ovulating.

Her version of the story is different - she thinks she's the one that insisted that I get a condom.

Regardless of who is to blame, I have accepted the responsibility and apologized for it. Many times over.

The whole not sleeping well thing, that is a long time issue that existed well before our first was born. I just think the reason for her poor sleep seems to change.

You did put things in perspective for me - I can understand that she may feel trapped into having a baby she doesn't want, or doing something that goes against her principles and would make me resent or even leave her. It's a very tough position to be in, to say the least.

In all honesty, she doesn't seem (to me) too concerned about having the abortion. She's mentioned that it's something that she (not we) will have to live with, etc, and doesn't like how she (again not we) has to make such a hard decision.

I told her today in frustration that if she wanted to do this, she was better off not telling me and having the abortion behind my back. If I go along with this and keep it from my parents, from her parents, then isn't it as if I'm going along with it?


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## Corpuswife

As a Christian, I would suggest, that you give the baby up for adoption. I know it would be difficult to explain to your family but really...if she doesn't want another (for various reasons) then it would be the right thing to do.

It your life as a married couple and frankly the outside family do not have a say unless they plan on providing money/daycare etc. 

You other children may have issues but it could be approached in a loving way. Perhaps the adoption agency would be able to provide counseling throughout the process. 

I am sorry but there are no easy answers.


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## missymrs80

Have you just straight up said....we are keeping OUR baby, i love you and will take care of you and we will make it work....and that you will make sure of it. Its never a good time to have a baby IMO. Right now is the perfect time for me to have a baby....but....its NOT a good time for me to have a baby lol.


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## Seppuku

It seems like we are destined to have one of us resent the other - we just had ANOTHER talk about it, and I told her I understand the position she's in. I apologized again for the whole situation. I explained my side of things.

She keeps giving me justifications for not having a child.

She doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and I tried to explain it three different ways.

She insists that I support her in whatever decision she (not we) come to. I told her I can't support her in an abortion.

I hate to say it, but I think this might be the end of our marriage.


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## FirstYearDown

No matter what your religious beliefs are, you cannot _force _your wife to have this baby. Maybe your wife talks about how it will affect her and not you because there are certain aspects of having a child that men do not have to endure.

Other members have mentioned adoption. Is that something you and your wife would be able to handle? If your parents are asking about another grandchild, I don't they are going to be understanding about your baby being put up for adoption. 

I don't understand why your parents need to know about such a personal matter. Married adults are not supposed to run to mom and dad with their problems.


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## Seppuku

She's still acting like everything is normal except for this one thing - she wants me to cuddle and be affectionate and I feel like I just can't.

I'm going to try anyway.


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## Seppuku

FirstYearDown said:


> No matter what your religious beliefs are, you cannot _force _your wife to have this baby. Maybe your wife talks about how it will affect her and not you because there are certain aspects of having a child that men do not have to endure.
> 
> Other members have mentioned adoption. Is that something you and your wife would be able to handle? If your parents are asking about another grandchild, I don't they are going to be understanding about your baby being put up for adoption.
> 
> I don't understand why your parents need to know about such a personal matter. Married adults are not supposed to run to mom and dad with their problems.


I'm not trying to force her to have the baby. Neither can she force me to be OK with an abortion.

Adoption is definitely not an option. Besides, she doesn't want to be pregnant either.

Our parents don't need to know and no one is running to mom and dad with problems. It's just something that we have to make sure to keep from them and I don't like having to be mindful to keep a secret that I don't really care to keep.


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## 827Aug

Perhaps it's time to bring your minister into the discussion. At this point, what do you have to loose?


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## Lyris

Please get some counselling. I know in Australia our family planning organisations offer free, unbiased counselling to women with unplanned pregnancies. 

From what you have written it is clear she doesn't want to be pregnant, doesn't want another baby and doesn't particularly enjoy motherhood. As you say, it's not really possible to compromise, one person has to give way. 

If there is some way to change your lives so that your wife feels differently about motherhood, talk about that. Could you become a SAHD, or at least drop your work hours so that you are the primary parent and she earns most of the money? 

Bringing in a minister is a terrible idea. It's just going to make her feel more pressure, less support and probably entrench her position more deeply. 

I don't think you have to act loving if you don't feel it. This is a very traumatic time for both of you. I think she needs to understand your feelings too.


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## FirstYearDown

I agree that bringing in the minister is a bad idea. However, I also realize that Christians go to ministers with marital problems all the time. When a couple is devout, it is common to seek counseling from clergy.

Seppuku, I guess I am confused about why you could not keep an abortion a secret. Is it because an abortion would weigh too heavily on your mind?

Both of you have a right to your feelings and beliefs. If you cannot handle the thought of your wife having an abortion and she does not want another child, divorce is the only option. I know you may be morally opposed to that. I just don't think that either of you should be forced down paths that would surely lead to serious resentment.


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## Seppuku

Lyris said:


> Could you become a SAHD, or at least drop your work hours so that you are the primary parent and she earns most of the money?


I already work from home (although I do have to travel from time to time).

I pay all of the household bills. I take care of our daughter (and I worked with her right next to me in my home office for nearly a year when she was born).

She works far from the house, and also doesn't drive.

Here's a typical weekday:

Wife wakes up around 4 AM to get ready for work. I wake up anywhere between 4 and 5 AM. While wife is getting ready, I get cleaned up and dressed, and wake up our daughter around 5:15. [This is usually the time my wife asks how her clothing looks, if it's fashionable, too casual for work, etc. You'll see why I mention this later on.]

At 5:25 we leave to drop mommy off at the bus stop. We come home, and I either get our daughter ready for day care or work for a little while since she can go to day care as late as 8:15. This entails getting her washed and dressed, and preparing her meals (breakfast and lunch).

After she goes to school, I come home and work. During my lunch breaks I try to do one of the following: clean up the house, mow the lawn, clean the pool, go grocery shopping, etc.

Granted, sometimes I don't get to do any of those things.

After work, I pick up our daughter from day care and if there is time I give her a bath and get her dressed for bed. If there isn't time, I go straight to pick up my wife from the bus stop. We sometimes pick up take-out for dinner, which if we do, my wife eats in the car to save time. We come home and while my daughter and I eat dinner together, my wife takes a shower, gets her clothes ready for the morning [although she never seems to know what she's going to wear until the next morning, since she's always asking me about it in the morning (see above)]. She usually takes over an hour to do this.

So after my daughter and I eat, we'll typical watch something on TV or play or something while waiting for my wife to come back downstairs, which she rarely does.

At 8:15 PM or so, my wife starts to yell down to me that it's her bedtime. So if i haven't already I give her a bath and get her set up for bed.

After my daughter is in bed, I'll come to our bedroom to try to spend some time with my wife, watching a TV show, or something. Usually she just wants to go to sleep or listen to music (in her headphones) until she falls asleep. Always with a nightcap.

Lately, since I don't really get to spend any time with her anyway, after I put our daughter to bed, I'll spend some time on the computer playing a game, reading forums, etc. until I get tired and go to bed.


So her job is very stressful for her, which I understand. She just wants to relax and go to sleep at the end of the day, which I get. I almost never complain.

In contrast, I feel like two thirds of everything that comes out of my wife's mouth is either a command or a complaint. Maybe it's not, but I did count one day and it was in line with my feeling.

I'm starting to feel like we're just two different people.

Now we're off to brunch with my brother and her sister, probably to discuss this. (My brother is married to her sister.)

Just coming in the office to type this post, I was chastised because I "could be doing something more productive like cleaning up."

I'm getting tired.


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## Seppuku

FirstYearDown said:


> Seppuku, I guess I am confused about why you could not keep an abortion a secret. Is it because an abortion would weigh too heavily on your mind?


Yes.



FirstYearDown said:


> Both of you have a right to your feelings and beliefs. If you cannot handle the thought of your wife having an abortion and she does not want another child, divorce is the only option. I know you may be morally opposed to that. I just don't think that either of you should be forced down paths that would surely lead to serious resentment.


Until now, we both thought we had the same feelings and beliefs. Now apparently her's are changing.

I'm not opposed to divorce and I think we have to have a serious discussion about it.

I'm just not going to use that to threaten her or force her hand, I'm just hoping she'll change her mind on her own. I don't want her to feel like a forced her to do anything.


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## Corpuswife

Given the schedule/life that you have given, I am seeing that it may be more of a marriage issue.

You are doing the work with your daughter. It doesn't look like she has much contact with your daughter. Maybe she doesn't want another kid period and it's not JUST the timing?

I think you guys are to open with your marriage and are allowing others to influence (family). It's your marriage and your wifes marriage...not mom, dad or sister. They should stay out...unless you want to confuse the issue more.

You have (3) options regarding this pregnancy. Write some pros and cons. In my opinion, as the husband and father of this child you should have some say. However, she has the ultimate say. The fact that she's not taking you into consideration is a marriage problem.


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## nandosbella

It's an unfortunate situation.... I don't think anyone on the planet considers abortion as an easy alternative. She may not show it, but im sure its weighing heavily on her. Im not christian, but i dont think anyone "supports" abortion. Its one of those things that is universally not good. But sometimes it is what it is. Sometimes it really is the best solution for the individual. 

She deserves to know if its a deal breaker for you. She must realize she is mourning more than the loss of the child... She must also mourn the loss of her husband. 

And this is just my opinion.... You should be supporting your wife during this difficult time. 

Best of luck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

Your wife is running all over you.

It's up to you to create a family that works.

Start by making this Custer's last stand.

Your wife is free to make her own choice but she should clearly understand the consequences.... And you should have a clear idea of what you will make them be.


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## Seppuku

Last night she told me she might be more receptive if she felt like I would be able to take care of us if she decided to become a SAHM. (We both earn similar amounts.) 

I had another talk with her this morning; she keeps saying there will be time to have another one down the line. I told her flat out that I don't know if I would even want to be with her if she had an abortion. I don't know why she thinks that would be any consolation.

I called her today to apologize for telling her that right before she left for work, it probably wasn't the best time to tell her that.

I just emailed her a "life plan" that I put together on things I / we will do in the short, near, and long terms a few minutes ago. I'm hoping that will make her feel more confident about our ability to handle a second child.

We don't really have family that we can depend on nearby; this is a big factor for her. She still wants to to go out and do things just as a couple and not having anyone around that we can depend on to watch children is a big problem for her (although her sister / my brother live 14 miles away, but that's a whole different story).

I responded to her email, I'm trying to stay positive and keep encouraging her that we can do this. Hopefully she'll come around to see that we can do it.

I have been shutting down emotionally instead of supporting and encouraging her, I don't think that has helped. It felt to me like she had already gone through with the abortion so I reacted naturally I suppose.

Fingers crossed.


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## norajane

> We don't really have family that we can depend on nearby; this is a big factor for her. She still wants to to go out and do things just as a couple and not having anyone around that we can depend on to watch children is a big problem for her (although her sister / my brother live 14 miles away, but that's a whole different story).


Get involved with playgroups. Get to know the parents. Swap baby-sitting duties.


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## southern wife

It sounds like she does not spend time with your daughter at all. :wtf: No wonder she doens't want another.

Sounds like YOU do all the work at the house, take care of daughter, pay the bills, etc. All your wife does is work and pick out her outfit for the next day.


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## Seppuku

It's not that simple, but basically that's pretty much right.

She does spend time with our daughter though, she just doesn't seem very motherly. I don't blame her for that; to put it plainly, her mother is not winning any #1 MOM awards.

I really don't have the energy to get down into every small detail anymore, so I'll just give you where we stand now.

After I picked her up yesterday, I was upbeat and positive. I wouldn't say happy, but I was communicating, and holding her hand, and trying to be loving. At one point she had a sad face and looked like she wanted to tell me something, but wouldn't tell me when I pressed her.

Eventually, I said "You think I'm getting my hopes up?" She nodded.

*sigh*

I pulled back again. I'm trying not to, but it's so difficult when I feel like I'm fighting for the life of my unborn child and my wife wants to kill him/her.

I can't figure out why she's so adamant; my mind went all sorts of places, and I snooped around her phones thinking maybe the baby wasn't mine.

I know she feels alone and unsupported and scared. I try to understand, but since I won't budge on supporting her decision, she feels like I'm not seeing her side. She knows that it's a life inside of her and yet she still wants to go through with this, and worse yet, she wants me to be there with her.

I'm so confused - she keeps telling me that she hasn't made the decision yet, but that's what she's "leaning towards." I'm happy that she still feels at least undecided, but then she turns around and tells me I'm getting my hopes up. How can I not feel like she's already done it? Maybe she's trying to come to grips with it in her heart?

I did tell her that this is changing my perception of her. She asked why - I almost couldn't believe it. I told her that it feels to me like she wants to kill our unborn child, how can I still look at her the same way?

I'm going to tell her tonight that she needs to be prepared for the possibility that this will end our marriage. If she goes through with it, I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over it, if I'll ever forgive her. I would try, but that's all I can do. It's not a threat but a reality of the situation.

Any Christians in here please pray for us.


----------



## Seppuku

southern wife said:


> It sounds like she does not spend time with your daughter at all. :wtf: No wonder she doens't want another.
> 
> Sounds like YOU do all the work at the house, take care of daughter, pay the bills, etc. All your wife does is work and pick out her outfit for the next day.


We do spend time as a family on weekends, it's just a side effect of the schedule.

Part of my plan was to change things so that I could support us both (I actually could already if we weren't in so much debt). I outlined how I plan to both increase my income (through education / certification) and reduce our debt (by selling our rental house that's losing money, pay down bills by cutting expenses).

I expect positive changes within 1-2 years, but more significant changes within the 2-5 year time frame.

I said that to say, it's at least somewhat likely that I will soon be the one with the long commute while she stays at home, I wouldn't see our daughter much during the week either.

I just feel like I would make more of an effort to spend at least a few minutes every day just talking with her, playing, etc. Maybe I just like being a dad and she doesn't like being a mom.

Or maybe her job is so stressful that she doesn't feel like she has the energy.

I know that no matter how terrible I am feeling, just seeing my daughter smile is enough bring everything back to roses.

I guess we draw our happiness from different things.


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## tom67

Wow it sounds like to start you two need to find more alone time for each other. Don't they say here around 15hrs a week not including tv?


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## 45188

I'm an Atheist myself but I felt it was just wrong to terminate a life for any reason. Especially convenience / financial issues, considering all the safety nets we have in place. What would you really lose out on? Cable tv? 

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. I cried for weeks on end, torturing myself to make a decision. I finally went to the abortion office, despite my own values. They verified the pregnancy and well.. I went home to decide. I did some research online and I learned a fetus's heart begins to beat at 6 weeks. Brainwaves very soon after. New studies suggest they can feel pain at 18 weeks. 

At this point I thought "Abortion really is murder."

But it was actually this poem that tipped me over completely. I was very emotional at the time. It's a bit religious too..

" Mummy you should see me now 
I have fingers and toes, I don't know how
Mummy I have ears and eyes, I can hear and see
Oh mummy are you getting as excited as me?

I can't wait until I see the world
To see your face when you realize I'm your baby girl
Mummy I just can't wait till I wear those clothes
All dressed in pale pink and pretty bows

Mummy why are you crying?
Is it because you're scared? Well don't worry mummy
I know you'll do great, I can feel how much you care

Mummy I think something's wrong
There's something in here with me
Its shaped like a tube, all round and long
Mummy I can't hear you anymore, I can't even see

There's a bright light nearby
Mummy do you think I should try and hide?
I can't help it mummy, its pulling me in
What did I do wrong mummy? I'm too young to sin

Well mummy I have to go
But first I want to let you know
That I love you mummy
And I was excited about having my first dummy
I wanted to have fun and run around
I wanted to have tantrums and throw myself on the ground
I wanted to grow up and have a best friend
And mummy I wanted to be with you until the end
I wanted to get married someday, and have kids of my own
I wanted you to be proud of me, all pretty and grown
But mummy I guess that there's something you'll never see
Just promise me mummy that you'll never forget me "

I would like to present, my little girl, Robin










One of the best decisions I've ever made. Right now she is on my lap cuddling with me and kissing me. I don't understand how someone can claim to be Christian and then do something like this? Hell, I'm an Atheist and even I wouldn't do something like this regardless of the cost to me..


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## Tikii

I hate to say it, but are you sure the child is yours? Could she be wanting to terminate because she doesn't want to admit that she's possibly pregnant but another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## underwater2010

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like she is missing the mother gene. I want to say thank you for picking up the slack in that department. I am always amazed at the men of my generations ability to be so involved with their children. Just one generation ago men did not even change diapers.

I am going to throw out something that may hurt, but you need to think about......could she be cheating on you? Or could she be depressed? She sounds like she is extremely withdrawn. Not that these questions are going to help with the abortion issue, but it might help save your marriage. I think she needs to seek IC.

Also, you might want her to go on the pill. It takes the pressure off the condoms when the mood is hot and heavy. Besides she is the one that does not want another child.

I don't understand the comment about her being the only one to live with the after effects of an abortion. She is willing to trash a life that the two of you created together. There is no way in hell it would not affect you. She never should have told you she was pregnant if she was only planning on getting an abortion.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yes, it sounds like she is missing the mother gene and her own mother wasn't much of an example. I worry she'll resent another child. She seems to avoid spending time with the daughter you have. It takes no more than 10 minutes to select an outfit. 

There are no good answers but you do seem to have a decent long-range plan. Unless she would rather be the main provider and you stay at home with the children? Is her income potential OK? 

I know she doesn't want to be pregnant - why? Was the first one difficult? Does she worry about her figure (especially considering her appearance is so important w/ the clothing and all)?

Frankly with the daily nightcap, avoidance of family time and appearing unconcerned and distant, I think she IS depressed. All depression doesn't come with a suicide note.


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## Mizpah

I am Christian too, so I'll be blunt. There is no excuse for killing an unborn child, and to do so because of current finances or fear is lack of faith. I'd be scared too if I got pregnant right now, BUT I would also be happy and have faith that it would all come together. I know that my husband would prefer us to have a home of our own and be more financially secure before starting a family, but if that's not how it plays out, that's fine too. God has seen us through trying times and I have faith that He'll continue to do so. 

I think you two need to have an open and honest discussion and reflect & pray on this matter, because it is not something you can change. How would you feel if finances improve a week, a month, or a year from now and you went through with it?


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## Mizpah

Seppuku said:


> says possibly, but then qualifies it by telling me that any pregnancy where the mother is 35 or older is considered high risk.
> 
> She'd already done the calculations - if this goes to term, the baby would be born 15 days after her 35th birthday.
> 
> And the there are the nightcaps - she has one EVERY NIGHT. Even after she found out she was pregnant, she kept doing it, even in the face of my protests.


My mother had my youngest sister when she was 40 without any complications. A large number of women are waiting well into their 30s to start a family, so I think that she is just trying to justify this to herself, and to drink while knowing she's pregnant? Unconscionable. To risk hurting an unborn child, even with what she is considering, is horrible and especially dangerous so early in development.


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## DTO

Corpuswife said:


> Given the schedule/life that you have given, I am seeing that it may be more of a marriage issue.
> 
> You are doing the work with your daughter. It doesn't look like she has much contact with your daughter. Maybe she doesn't want another kid period and it's not JUST the timing?
> 
> The fact that she's not taking you into consideration is a marriage problem.


Yup. Seems like she might resent you and your daughter. She does her own thing, even eats in the car to have more time to herself does not even play with her daughter much less help around the home. Your interaction with her is limited to stuff for which she needs you (driving her around, opining on her dress). What DOES she do besides working?

It also sounds like she's lazy. Seriously, who does not bother to even learn how to drive these days? (I'm guessing that, since you have to drive her to the bus stop, either she can't be bothered to walk that short distance or the public transportation in your area is not that good).

Is there any resentment she has against you (reasonable for not)? Maybe she feels that she should not have to work, help around the home, and parent simultaneously? Maybe she wanted to travel or get a college degree but now cannot?


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## DTO

EnjoliWoman said:


> She seems to avoid spending time with the daughter you have. It takes no more than 10 minutes to select an outfit.


This.

In face, I would go further and suggest that perhaps she is resentful of her daughter, as awful as that sounds. Yelling at him to put her to bed (when she does not do the work anyways) and taking time to constantly get his validation about her work clothes - seriously?


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## costa200

I'm an atheist and pro choice. But when it comes to a married couple whose only reason not to have a child is economic convenience and other minor nuisances i think abortion is probably a bad choice. 

BTW, that blame game is kinda weird, she took it fine and now it's your fault?


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## FirstYearDown

DTO said:


> Yup. Seems like she might resent you and your daughter. She does her own thing, even eats in the car to have more time to herself does not even play with her daughter much less help around the home. Your interaction with her is limited to stuff for which she needs you (driving her around, opining on her dress). What DOES she do besides working?
> 
> It also sounds like she's lazy. Seriously, who does not bother to even learn how to drive these days? (I'm guessing that, since you have to drive her to the bus stop, either she can't be bothered to walk that short distance or the public transportation in your area is not that good).
> 
> Is there any resentment she has against you (reasonable for not)? Maybe she feels that she should not have to work, help around the home, and parent simultaneously? Maybe she wanted to travel or get a college degree but now cannot?


I do not drive and I am far from lazy, thanks. 

Too many accidents and being hit by a car have made me very scared to get behind the wheel again.

I also had a seizure years ago and my licence was suspended because of that.

Public transportation is wonderful in this city and my husband will drive me somewhere if I need a ride. 

I don't think the OP's wife should have married or had a child. Maybe she felt pressured by Christian values?

I was raised by a mother who resented all of her children, so she was abusive. It was not fun and the OP's daughter can likely feel mommy's lack of enthusiasm for motherhood.


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## Lyris

Not unpopular with me. Ultimately it is her decision. Maybe that seems unfair, but sorry, men, being prgnant and giving birth are enormous tasks that not every woman is willing to go through, especially if the end result is not particularly wanted. 

That's not to say it isn't sad though. It's very very sad and I'm so sorry you're in this position. I hope that emotionally manipulative poem posted earlier didn't upset you too much.


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## mel123

Trenton.... You are 100% legally correct she does have that choice. However the M has the choice as to remain married to her or divorce.Sounds as if he is surprised by her considering this and most likely would not have married her,if her views were different.

This very circumstance happened to my cousin 25 years ago. His wife became pregnant with their first child and she went and had an abortion against his wishes. He promptly divorced her and eventually married another woman and they now have three children.

Best case scenario is to discuss these issues BEFORE marriage so future conflicts such as these do not arise


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## hehasmyheart

Wow....this is so sad.

First, I wonder if she thinks that is what you want. Maybe she feels it would put strain on the marriage (if for whatever reason it isn't a good time for the 2nd child).

You sound like a good guy, and you should reassure her that you're prepared to do whatever it takes for your family. Use it as something that can strengthen your bond. If you act excited about it, maybe it will encourage her everything will work out for the best.


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## Lyris

mel123 said:


> Trenton.... You are 100% legally correct she does have that choice. However the M has the choice as to remain married to her or divorce.Sounds as if he is surprised by her considering this and most likely would not have married her,if her views were different.
> 
> This very circumstance happened to my cousin 25 years ago. His wife became pregnant with their first child and she went and had an abortion against his wishes. He promptly divorced her and eventually married another woman and they now have three children.
> 
> Best case scenario is to discuss these issues BEFORE marriage so future conflicts such as these do not arise


Yes. Because people's feelings and opinions never, ever change. 

Oh wait...


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## costa200

Trenton said:


> I am pro choice and because of this I am going to write a very unpopular thing. It's your wife's body, it will be her body that has to carry this baby and it should be her choice as to whether she can handle this pregnancy and the birth of the child. There are more than just financial consequences to having a child.


And since its all her, i guess you would be ok if it was him not wanting the child and decided to not support the child in any way, right?

Quite honestly i think that when a woman removes the father of the child from the decision she also should not expect any kind of support. Because there are many consequences to being the "sperm donor" these days too. 

Since it's "her choice", she should deal with it. This way things would be a lot more symmetrical.



> This very circumstance happened to my cousin 25 years ago. His wife became pregnant with their first child and she went and had an abortion against his wishes. He promptly divorced her and eventually married another woman and they now have three children.


Good for him. That's what i would do too.
Like i said i'm pro-choice. But i'm not pro-abortion-because-of-stretch-marks. Abortion is a serious matter. It isn't a contraceptive after the fact.


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## Lyris

When there are two opposing opinions in this case, someone has to prevail. And it has to be the woman, because it's her body. 

What's the alternative, that he can force her to have a baby she doesn't want? 

The OP may well find he can't stay married to his wife if she has an abortion. That's his choice to make. What do do about the pregnancy is not.


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## costa200

> What's the alternative, that he can force her to have a baby she doesn't want?


The legal alternative is actually pretty clear. That the guy has the option to opt out of parenthood if she decides to have the child against his wishes. It's her body, and his resources. 

As the matters stand a woman can terminate without the father's input but he is always forced to pay child support. This isn't fair. It exempts women from responsibility while not doing the same for men.

But let's not hijack the thread.


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## Maricha75

There is no way, no matter what the financial consequences were, that I would EVER consider an abortion...unless there was something physically wrong with the baby or continuing the pregnancy would kill one or the other of us. I got pregnant while I was still nursing my second child. Abortion was NOT an option. We were having financial difficulties as well at that time. Again, not an option to kill my (and my husband's) child. The OP's wife knew the condom wasn't used. She knew that pregnancy was a possibility. She could have gone to a clinic to get the morning after pill if she was concerned. But she didn't and now she is looking to kill their baby. Sorry, I side with the husband on this one. I couldn't stay married to someone who would even consider killing the baby because of convenience. But maybe that's because of my Christian upbringing and the way our church sees it. Sorry of the other ladies get offended by my post, but this is how I see it. She is talking about killing their child. And don't give me the nonsense about it not being a child. The OP and his wife are Christians and they adhere to the teachings in the Bible. In there, it states God knew us when we were created (in the womb). In this case, my personal opinion is that the wife is being selfish.


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## FirstYearDown

I wouldn't DARE tell any woman what to do with her body. Whether or not females have abortions is none of my business. I am pro choice and I would not be so judgemental as to tell anyone their reasons "wrong" or "unacceptable". People get to decide what they can handle.

I had a friend who was a teen mom. She later married and had three kids with her husband. There was one child who she aborted and I did not agree with that decision at all. If she handled being a low income teen mom, surely she could handle another baby while she was a SAHM and her husband got a raise. I will never understand why she aborted that child and then purposely became pregnant again soon after. Why didn't she just keep the child that she aborted? My point is I never gave this woman any grief for her choice. It was her life to live!

We are a childfree couple who has taken great pains not to become parents. If there was a vasectomy failure and I became pregnant, I would not have the baby. I am not meant to be a mother and it doesn't seem like the OP's wife is cut out for motherhood. Why should she have another child and then subject another baby to a resentful mother? Every child deserves to be wanted. 

I was raised Catholic. One of the reasons I no longer identify with that religion is the old fashioned stance on BC and abortion. Is it better to have a child that you can barely feed because of religious beliefs? People talk about adoption like it is a cure all;-many children wait years in foster care which is often a terrible experience. Also, a couple who wants to adopt may present as excellent parents but really be monsters. Adoptees struggle with identity issues for most of their lives. My mother legally adopted my eldest bro who shares the same dad as me. He is in his forties and STILL has issues with his birth mom. Adoption has pitfalls too. 

I don't think this will end well for the OP and his wife. I hope that if she decides to have the baby, she can move past her obvious dislike of motherhood.


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## missymrs80

Trenton said:


> I am pro choice and because of this I am going to write a very unpopular thing. It's your wife's body, it will be her body that has to carry this baby and it should be her choice as to whether she can handle this pregnancy and the birth of the child. There are more than just financial consequences to having a child.


Trenton i am pro choice as well, but this is a tough situation. I also believe that in a marriage its not just about you anymore. To the OP, is she still having her nightcaps?


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## daffodilly

missymrs80 said:


> Trenton i am pro choice as well, but this is a tough situation. * I also believe that in a marriage its not just about you anymore.* To the OP, is she still having her nightcaps?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Samus

I agree with the husband on this. The wife is being selfish in my eyes and there are so many options for people instead of abortion. 

My wife and I had an abortion on our very first time getting her pregnant. I found it very irresponsible on my part for getting her pregnant knowing she wasn't on birth control. Because of my wife and I selfish acts we decided on an abortion and this was almost 8 years ago and it still haunts me and I still cry about it secretly. 

We have since had 2 baby girls that both times I called for abortion because I didn't want the heartaches and pain of having more kids and most of all didn't want to lose my independence to do whatever we wanted, like vacationing, partying etc.. I also had a son with my ex-wife and I didn't want to feel like I was replacing him. 

All these things are SELFISHNESS, we had my two girls and when I look into there eyes I can't see my life without them. They are my heartbeat and the apple of my eye. I love my 3 kids and I regret each day that I aborted one of them because of selfish reasons. 

I can understand reasons for having abortions and they usually fall in the category of rape, disabled child, the mother's life is in danger and thats about it that I can think of off the top of my head. All this crap about the woman's choice is BS. When you are married it is a couples choice. It is truly unfair to the father if a woman can do whatever they want, Woman were put on this earth to bear children. I am not saying a gun is put to you head to do so, but with your husband wishing to have the baby, it should be done. 

There shouldn't be a choice, unless those three things I mentioned, every other reason is just selfishness. I know its tough for a woman to have baby, going through the moods, the birth pains the stress. But this woman did that before and she is a Christian which makes it even worse. She is also going against her husbands wishes. She wants to break up this family over something that the husband thinks they can make it through. 

Even if she is not motherly woman grow to become motherly. I know several women who said they would never have kids and ended up having them and are great mothers. 

Don't have an abortion, do whatever you can, you will regret it and it will haunt you (I promise you) for the rest of your life.


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## 45188

Pro choice is silly. There are tons of ways to prevent pregnancies. There are hundreds of different birth controls. If the condom breaks you can take a plan B pill to prevent conception within 3 days. What a copout. By this logic its perfectly okay to kill anyone inconvenient to me as long as they're asleep.

Only 1% of abortions performed are the result of a rape.

People can go BLAH BLAH BLAH her body all they want, but its pretty irresponsible to not to even look at all the other options. I've been pregnant, twice. Its exhausting and incredibly painful at the end. Boo hoo. Thats life. 

Doesn't give me the right to stop a beating heart because its inconvenient for me all because I was too stupid and irresponsible to use the -hundreds- of prevention methods out there.

Prevention is where its at, not abortion. :/

Abortions are on the same level of selfishness as affairs ~_~ Hell.. An even higher level because you can't fix what you've done.

I mean I agree its a necessary evil for the world, nobody wants a sentient child buried alive like a story I recently read. Dog dug him up, cops arrested mom for attempted murder. Kids in foster now. She had him and buried him outside. There ARE people like that. Sociopaths.


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## FirstYearDown

No method of birth control is fullproof. 

I agree that attempting to prevent pregnancy makes far more sense than having an abortion. After all, an abortion is not birth control.


----------



## Maricha75

Trenton said:


> Don't pray to God for this unborn baby, be a man and step up to the plate and provide the sort of environment that makes the idea of taking on pregnancy and parenthood a positive rather than a negative.


Trenton, the bit in the beginning of this part that I quoted... the man is a Christian. He is going to pray for his unborn baby, regardless of whether his wife chooses to continue the pregnancy or abort their child. I do agree that he needs to get all the figures together to show her that they can do it. But telling him NOT to pray for his baby isn't right.



Trenton said:


> You think wisdom tooth removal, headaches and crankiness has anything on stitches in the vagina, hard boobs, baby screaming? Maybe she sincerely thinks you can't handle it well enough for her to be a partner with you through it.


And this? I'd rather go through c-sections (and the recoveries) and engorged breasts, crying baby again than having teeth pulled, have headaches, etc. But, maybe you're right. Maybe she does see it how you do. But I wouldn't blame him one bit if he felt he couldn't continue the marriage if she goes through with this. I know I couldn't if my husband made such a drastic decision and basically said "my body, my choice" to me...when we are supposed to be partners, making these decisions together.


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## 45188

Op can we get an update?


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## BrockLanders

Seppuku said:


> I'll try to keep this short and to the point.
> 
> Tuesday: Have a wisdom tooth pulled; stubborn little guy didn't want to come out. In the dentists chair for 3.5 hours.
> 
> Wednesday: Face swollen and hurting, pulled a muscle in my back picking up my daughter - can barely walk but I manage.
> 
> Wednesday Night: Laying on the couch feeling sick because I took an antibiotic on an empty stomach, and just trying to get some rest, my wife comes and shows me a pregnancy test. It's positive.
> 
> My head is spinning - this pregnancy is not expected; it's a rough time for us, financially and for other reasons; we both know that. Lots of crying (on her part). Lots of blame (also on her part). She calls her sister who comes over, and offers to help take her to "take care of it."
> 
> Thursday: She's got an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow to verify pregnancy and tell how far along she is. I overhear a phone call from a clinic - she's already made an appointment to have the "procedure" done; apparently she already knows all of the lingo (awake, twilight, before 8 weeks it can be just a pill, after 8 weeks it's invasive, she'll be in the place for 5.5 hours).
> 
> Here's the kicker - we are both devout Christians and don't believe in abortion (with certain exceptions). I can barely fathom that she would even consider it; but now that she's already got appointments (although she's still saying she doesn't know what she wants to do), I can't look at her the same way.
> 
> She asked me if I wanted to have this baby; knowing where she was heading and wanting to avoid conflict, I said something along the lines of "part of me says yes, and part of me is still trying to grasp this." Apparently she wants me to agree with having an abortion, otherwise she'll "feel bad" and she's worried that I'll "resent her" if she goes through with it.
> 
> The fact of the matter is - I probably will. I already can't look at her the same way, for even going as far as she did. I mean, talking about it and throwing ideas around is one thing, but making appointments? Checking with insurance to see if it's covered? I feel like one of our core principles is being tossed aside because it would complicate our lives too much.
> 
> I want another child. Not like this, I wanted to plan for it like we did with our first, but serendipity has befallen us. I can't, in my mind or in my heart, justify having an abortion. As soon as I saw that pregnancy test, the image of another little girl popped into my head. A baby smiling at me. Two sisters playing with their daddy. Part of me was actually happy.
> 
> The dilemma - How do I express this to her without her feeling like I'm trying to force her to have the baby? If she goes through with an abortion, it could very well end our marriage. I know I won't want to be intimate with her anymore. I already don't.
> 
> Our whole family is Christian; we would have to keep this secret from both of our parents for the rest of our lives. My mom occasionally asks when we are having another child. I don't think I could look her in the eye after something like this. I don't think i would want to stay married to my wife if it came down to that.
> 
> She's telling me that she doesn't want me to resent her if she does this, but at the same time I don't want to pressure her into having the baby and end up resenting me every time she looks at him/her.
> 
> I looked at my daughter today and got teary-eyed at the thought of telling her that she might have had a sibling; that her parents are hypocrites.
> 
> Has anyone ever had this situation before? What do I do?


I'm not religious at all but I couldn't do this. If you're in a rough spot now imagine how it will be after she goes through with this? If money is a problem there is WIC and food stamps that you can collect temporarily until you're on a better footing.


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## Seppuku

BrockLanders said:


> I'm not religious at all but I couldn't do this. If you're in a rough spot now imagine how it will be after she goes through with this? If money is a problem there is WIC and food stamps that you can collect temporarily until you're on a better footing.


I'm not sure what you you mean - couldn't do what?

Money is not the problem that she thinks it is - we both make a lot of money, but it's tight because we spend almost as much as we make (mortgage, cars, etc.). Money is a small aspect of this and not the deciding factor.

I think it's more of a lifestyle adjustment that she can't fathom - she doesn't want to be "bound" by the addition of another baby that she feels no one will want to watch. She feels like one child is OK, but to ask someone to watch two children (one being a baby) is out of the question. I don't think people will be as unwilling as she thinks, but changing her mind is probably not going to be easy.

I just had another talk with her tonight, and my growing confidence was shaken yet again - she explained a lot about how she is feeling (which she insists that I don't understand), and she is still flip-flopping and has appointments at two different places for this coming Friday.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I did express to her a while back that I'm not sure how I would feel about her if she did this, and not sure if I could be with someone who did have an abortion. I also made it a point that I wasn't trying to threaten her or force her decision; I was just sharing with her the reality of the situation. She didn't really take it well, although I mentioned that she's better off knowing now, rather than after the abortion. She did agree on that point.

It's just that every time we "talk" about it (which amounts to mostly her talking at me), I feel like she's trying to convince me that this is the right thing to do. She goes on and on about everything negative. Based on this, I always feel like the decision is already made and she's just trying to convince me to go along with it.

I told her this, and she keeps telling me that the decision is not made, she doesn't know what she's going to do, and that if the decision were made she wouldn't be talking to me about it.

But the more I think about it, the more I feel like the decision is made in her mind, and her talking to me about it is her way of trying to convince herself that it's the right thing to do.


I must be honest that I haven't been reading this thread much since my last post as I've been quite busy the past few weeks. I will go back and try to answer any questions I find.

I do want to make it clear that I didn't start this thread to argue about abortion in general; I was honestly just hoping to find anyone who may have had a similar experience, Christian or not.

My hands are starting to shake thinking about this again.

*sigh*


----------



## Seppuku

DTO said:


> It also sounds like she's lazy. Seriously, who does not bother to even learn how to drive these days? (I'm guessing that, since you have to drive her to the bus stop, either she can't be bothered to walk that short distance or the public transportation in your area is not that good).
> 
> Is there any resentment she has against you (reasonable for not)? Maybe she feels that she should not have to work, help around the home, and parent simultaneously? Maybe she wanted to travel or get a college degree but now cannot?


The driving thing is because of her vision - she's had both corneas replaced and now has a learner's permit. When she was out of work last year she could have had driving lessons and got her license but she didn't, for reasons too long and drawn out to describe here. Suffice it to say she owns that and knows that it was a mistake on her part, since she doesn't have time for lessons now.

I would say that we both have resentment towards each other for different reasons (some minor, some major). From my point of view, it's more like these things happened, I'm not happy about them but they are in the past. Aside from the driving thing, I have to think to remember things. For her, these things always seem fresh in her mind whenever we have an argument, so with that in mind I would have to say that she does resent me more than I do her.



missymrs80 said:


> Trenton i am pro choice as well, but this is a tough situation. I also believe that in a marriage its not just about you anymore. To the OP, is she still having her nightcaps?


No, she is not. Honestly she did that once or twice after she found out; I probably posted that out of anger.




FrenchFry said:


> Do you understand? Can you lay out very clearly and concisely what your wife's ultimate hesitancy about having another child? I see a lot of "I thinks" but not a whole lot of concrete answers.


Yes, I understand her points very well. I just don't want to speculate about her frame of mind as if it's fact - I'm sure if she saw this thread she would probably disagree with some of the things I "think" about her. I can only share my point of view and how I'm thinking about these things.

She knows that (should things remain as they are today) I would be bearing the brunt of the childcare responsibilities, and she has said on a few occasions that I'm "not superman."

She also has said that she would probably resent me if we had the child, and I told her that we can't go out to eat or take a trip or whatever because I need the money to pay for day care, supplies, etc. Whether or not it happens, this statement alone makes me feel like that's all this is about to her - she doesn't want her lifestyle to change, and doesn't want us to end up in financial trouble because we had another child.

She's also mentioned that because we are just now getting our heads above water financially, adding another child to the mix would be that much more of a strain.

I don't have any recurring unnecessary expenses that I can shave out of our budget - but I wish I did. I would happily go without some subscription or service if that's what it took, but when she says those things, I feel like she wouldn't sacrifice her comfort if she felt that she had a choice (which she now does).

It's deeper than that of course, but that's how she makes me feel when we talk about it - no one will want to watch two children, our parents (who do not live near us) aren't getting any younger, we'll be "stuck," she'll resent me.




FrenchFry said:


> You have made it very clear in your posts that your wife is not maternal. Do you think she realizes this and doesn't want to inflict a distant mother on another child?


She does realize this but it hasn't come up in any discussion, other than the "superman" comment mentioned above. She has limited time to spend with her family during the week, but I feel like she further limits that time. Everyone needs "me" time (I sure do) but I try to have my me time when no one else is around to miss me.

This is probably another matter, but I feel like she needs me physically in the same room with her almost 24/7 - possibly a byproduct of being a twin or something, but sometimes I just need to be alone and she didn't seem to need or want that until recently.



FrenchFry said:


> While she is sounding selfish in her arguements, I think ultimately she is trying to find solid reasons that having another child is not a bad idea and is a good one instead. If she is not maternal and if she isn't looking forward to raising another kid, all of the usual blessings and little joy platitudes and such probably won't sway her. You have to listen to her closely to find out ways to do your best to make an environment that would change her mind. I don't know if that is possible.


The only scenarios that I know for sure would definitely sway her are if I got another position making enough for her to stay at home, or if we won the lottery.



FrenchFry said:


> As I am pro-choice, I agree with Trenton and others that it's ultimately up to her (and I think through her actions, she's made it abundantly clear she feels this way as well) but like everything else choices have consequences. Don't feel guilty about taking a hard stance on divorce if you cannot stomach your wife having an abortion if that's what she chooses, because that is a choice you have as well.


To Trenton (and others who who are adamantly pro-choice) - I never said it wasn't her choice. Even being a Christian, there are certain situations where I think abortion has a place, such as in the case of a rape victim or where there is a danger to the mother and / or the child. I am not as closed minded as some seem to think.

My wife and I have a stable home. We both make six figures. We have two spare bedrooms. Our 3 year-old daughter WANTS a sister.

Despite our incomes, we don't have savings to speak of (poor decision-making, I know). Things are improving though. We tend to eat out a lot during the week - I'm more than willing to simply cut that out and eat at home; and we can still go out to restaurants on the weekend. That alone would help out tremendously.

Her first pregnancy was textbook - no complications. No difficulties delivering. No morning sickness - at all.

This is where my mind is - sure, we have difficulties, but they are not impossible to deal with. And it's not like the baby is coming next week - she's only two months along. This is why I can't even fathom that she's considering abortion, let alone support it.

Regardless of how I feel, I cannot stop her from having an abortion if that's what she wants to do.

She did let on that she is worried about our relationship if she were to go through with it - she asked me multiple times if I would still love her unconditionally, if I would resent her, if I could get past it, if she did have an abortion.

I gave her the only answer that I knew was the truth: I don't know.


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## Seppuku

Tikii said:


> I hate to say it, but are you sure the child is yours? Could she be wanting to terminate because she doesn't want to admit that she's possibly pregnant but another man?


One night, the thought did cross my mind - even though I don't have any evidence to support it.

If she does go through with this or even if she doesn't, I don't doubt that this idea will always occupy some corner of my subconscious.

Likely because as much as I tried to understand her point of view on that particular night, I couldn't logically find any reason for her to be so adamant about having an abortion.

I think this was the same night I described in an earlier post where she basically said I was getting my hopes up - my mind went all kinds of places and probably bought souvenirs.


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## Seppuku

One other thing before I forget - We were at my mom's house two weekends ago and my wife asked my mom about having multiple children (I'm one of four by birth, 10 by adoption) - my wife said something like "i hear 1 child is 1 child, but 2 children are like 10."

My mom basically said the first child is very difficult. Then the second one is a piece of cake because you're like "i've done this before" and you're already in that mode. Then the third one is the one that drains you. No offense.

I was the third one.


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## norajane

> Her first pregnancy was textbook - no complications. No difficulties delivering. No morning sickness - at all.


How was she after your daughter was born? Did she bond with her baby? Any post-partum depression?

You've said she's not maternal now - was she ever maternal with her child? 



> This is where my mind is - sure, we have difficulties, but they are not impossible to deal with. And it's not like the baby is coming next week - she's only two months along.


Ah, but for her, the baby isn't coming in 7 months. It is in her body already. She doesn't have the luxury of 7 months to deal with the difficulties and get ready. Her difficulties start NOW, with the changes in her body and the immediate affect on her body and her life. All the things that are in the future to you, are in the forefront of her mind because they've already started happening to her. 



> I told her this, and she keeps telling me that the decision is not made, she doesn't know what she's going to do, and that if the decision were made she wouldn't be talking to me about it.
> 
> But the more I think about it, the more I feel like the decision is made in her mind, and her talking to me about it is her way of trying to convince herself that it's the right thing to do.


If she's trying to convince herself, then there's a part of her that still needs convincing - she hasn't made up her mind, not entirely.


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## Shoshannah

Seppuku? Can you update us? I just found this thread. As a Christian and a married Mom to many children, both biological and adopted, your situation has really hit me hard. I am praying for you.


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## Michael A. Brown

Please think over about it. Abortion is not an answer for this problem.


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## Anonymous07

Seppuku said:


> One other thing before I forget - We were at my mom's house two weekends ago and my wife asked my mom about having multiple children (I'm one of four by birth, 10 by adoption) - my wife said something like "i hear 1 child is 1 child, but 2 children are like 10."
> 
> My mom basically said the first child is very difficult. Then the second one is a piece of cake because you're like "i've done this before" and you're already in that mode. Then the third one is the one that drains you. No offense.
> 
> I was the third one.


Any updates? 

I'm not in the same situation, but I am possibly pregnant at the moment(waiting to take the test this weekend) and both my husband and I are looking at what to do if it's true that I am indeed pregnant. We had talked about waiting at the very least a year after marriage before we would even look at starting our family, but there may have been an oops somewhere along the line this past month since I am over a week late. Although we will be financially strained having a baby(hypothetically, since we don't know), abortion has never crossed my mind nor my husbands. I don't think right now, for my husband and I, is the right time to have a child at all. We're just getting our lives started together and may now throw a baby into that mix. 

It takes 2 people to make a child and for her to make the ultimate decision is completely unfair. Even though some will say it's "her body", that's not completely true, as the baby has different DNA(not hers, just partially). Hopefully both of you can come to a decision that you'll both feel comfortable with.


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## that_girl

It's never really a good time to have a kid. lol. But it works out. Abortion isn't birth control. If you don't want kids, use many forms of bc.


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## Anonymous07

that_girl said:


> It's never really a good time to have a kid. lol. But it works out. Abortion isn't birth control. If you don't want kids, use many forms of bc.


That is true, but there are also better times than others to have children. That being when the couple is financially stable, stable careers, a home big enough for a family, etc. Not the best when hubby and I are very much newlyweds, not really financially set, and in our small apartment. 

Although the OP seems to be in a good spot, so not sure what would cause the wife to think differently.


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## that_girl

Yea. Jobs can be lost, money can be lost, homes can be lost, careers can be sunk...the future isn't certain.

I had both of my children at ill opportune times. Eesh. But it all worked out.


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## that_girl

My first baby was a surprise. I was 22 and just out of college  Not really WITH her father...but eh...I went to night school to get my teaching credential when she was 5 months old and had it a year later. You do what you have to do.

My 2nd baby came at a better time, but...still worrisome...now it's been 4 years and it's all worked out. Next year will ROCK because we won't have to pay for daycare/preschool anymore. YAY!! That will save a ton of money.


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## Anonymous07

that_girl said:


> My first baby was a surprise. I was 22 and just out of college  Not really WITH her father...but eh...I went to night school to get my teaching credential when she was 5 months old and had it a year later. You do what you have to do.
> 
> My 2nd baby came at a better time, but...still worrisome...now it's been 4 years and it's all worked out. Next year will ROCK because we won't have to pay for daycare/preschool anymore. YAY!! That will save a ton of money.


Sounds like my life... sort of. I'm 23 and just out of college. My husband and I weren't planning to start our family for, at the very least least, another year, but that has all changed now. The test came up positive this morning, so our family is coming a lot sooner than planned. I have such a wide range of emotions about this pregnancy, but I know I could never abort my child.


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## that_girl

Congrats!


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## missmolly

Trenton said:


> I think you miss the point. I don't care why the person is having an abortion. It's her body, her choice. No blah, blah, blah about it for me. If it were your body, it'd be your choice.
> 
> I've had three babies. Wow! YaY me!
> 
> Nope. My body, my choice. Either way, the woman faces the physical, mental and emotional consequences of both full term pregnancy or abortion.
> 
> I'll add that I've also had an abortion at 17 when I was unstable and a mess and not with my husband of whom I met about two years later and married.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So I understand both pregnancy to term and early abortion. All four pregnancies were my choice, my consequences.
> 
> I did marry a man who is also pro choice. Pregnancy was always a joint issue because we've always been an us thing.
> 
> The problem I see in the OP's scenario is actually that his wife doesn't see the two of them as an "us" and instead feels trapped by the pregnancy and as if she's already struggling for any sense of support.
> 
> Don't pray to God for this unborn baby, be a man and step up to the plate and provide the sort of environment that makes the idea of taking on pregnancy and parenthood a positive rather than a negative.
> 
> You think wisdom tooth removal, headaches and crankiness has anything on stitches in the vagina, hard boobs, baby screaming? Maybe she sincerely thinks you can't handle it well enough for her to be a partner with you through it.


I also have had 3 children, 1 abortion (at 18yrs) and 5 miscarriages. But I would NEVER abort my husband's child if he did not agree fully with it. I love him too much to hurt him like that. 
Pregnancy can be difficult, yes (I worked as a midwife for years so have a fair idea of the reality), but it is NOT a disease or a chronic illness and the human body copes with it fairly well. 
I bet I am unpopular for this opinion.


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## golfergirl

missmolly said:


> I also have had 3 children, 1 abortion (at 18yrs) and 5 miscarriages. But I would NEVER abort my husband's child if he did not agree fully with it. I love him too much to hurt him like that.
> Pregnancy can be difficult, yes (I worked as a midwife for years so have a fair idea of the reality), but it is NOT a disease or a chronic illness and the human body copes with it fairly well.
> I bet I am unpopular for this opinion.


Not unpopular in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

Anonymous07 said:


> Sounds like my life... sort of. I'm 23 and just out of college. My husband and I weren't planning to start our family for, at the very least least, another year, but that has all changed now. The test came up positive this morning, so our family is coming a lot sooner than planned. I have such a wide range of emotions about this pregnancy, but I know I could never abort my child.


This morning? He'll we were trying to conceive and I felt uncertain when we finally got the positive test. My daughter had her son in March, wrote finals in May and board exams in July. She now has a precious 7 month old boy and her career. It can be done! Congrats!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janesmith

your wife keeps asking you what you want and you keep giving her bullsh*t answers. If you think this is easy for her then you are a fool. Your wife must feel there is no other way for her than this way. You so busy p8ssyfooting around your real feelings you are leaving her to flounder by herself in her own perspective. That is so very unfair of you. Man up and tell this woman you want her to have your baby and then tell her you plan of how things are going to work out and ease her mind. Encourage her to talk about what she is afraid of. How can you address it if you dont know what it is and you dont ask. Take a stance dude geesh and the the chips fall where they may.


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## Shoshannah

Wow, people have been really rough on you! I don't know if you are still here, but as a woman faced with difficult pregnancies, who sees abortion as murder, plain and simple, I completely understand your point of view. I do agree that your wife is not seeing You as a couple making important steps. You have been told to be a man, step up to the plate and give in to your wife's wishes, in some cases. In my eyes, you are a man who wants to both support your wife and save your baby's life at the same time. That's a really tough place to be in. I am praying for you and glad that you have faith. Even if she chooses to abort your baby, you did the best you could in a very, very difficult situation. Making you choose between her or the baby's life is cruel. You are definitely already being the best husband and father you can be.


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## Anonymous07

golfergirl said:


> This morning? He'll we were trying to conceive and I felt uncertain when we finally got the positive test. My daughter had her son in March, wrote finals in May and board exams in July. She now has a precious 7 month old boy and her career. It can be done! Congrats!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you! I know it can be done, but I also know it's going to be tough. I have a doctor's appointment this Friday to confirm the pregnancy. It's not the best time for us to be pregnant, but I know my husband and I will make it work. We just need to think of how to tell our parents and family.


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## Seppuku

We are having a baby.


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## Samus

Great News!! So Happy for You. Congratulations and God Bless!!!!


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## northernlights

That's wonderful!! I hope you and your wife can get through this and wind up closer than ever.


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## daffodilly

northernlights said:


> That's wonderful!! I hope you and your wife can get through this and wind up closer than ever.


:iagree::iagree: Absolute best, best wishes!!!!


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## Lyris

I hope everything goes really well. I'm so glad you're getting your second little baby.


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