# How do you mark your DDay anniversary?



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Ours is coming up. Still in R. Granted through the passage of time some things are more manageable. However, when this time of year rolls around, I trigger much more easily.

How do you handle your DDay anniversary?

How does your Wayward handle it? Do they acknowledge that it may be a difficult day for you in any way? Spend special time with you? Offer to help you in any way? Just ignore and hope you wont remember?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't, IMO. Counterproductive.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

still so sad said:


> Ours is coming up. Still in R. Granted through the passage of time some things are more manageable. However, when this time of year rolls around, I trigger much more easily.
> 
> How do you handle your DDay anniversary?
> 
> How does your Wayward handle it? Do they acknowledge that it may be a difficult day for you in any way? Spend special time with you? Offer to help you in any way? Just ignore and hope you wont remember?


I'm one year into R.. I told my wife right out that I'm angry, I'm very triggery.. I'm in a bad place, and if she notices I'm having problems that's why... 

The last thing I would want to do is treat that day or any day around that time as a special day... Don't acknowledge it other than to be honest about any issues you may be having because of it... No dinner or special thing. I don't think Hallmark makes a "remember that day I found out about your broken moral compass?" cards, or anything like that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Our D day was in 2010 and I have NO wish to acknowledge it whatsoever. If I DO trigger, we address that together, but we certainly don't go looking for stuff to be upset about. There's enough of that already.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

My DDay #1 is July 17th. I'll print out a picture of my xWW and perforate it at the range.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

It would be a good day to review the divorce agreement in an effort to get any alimony either increased or lowered while looking forward to a date night with your new squeeze.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I tense up and she knows it. Time does heal or at least lessens the pain


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why the hell would I do that?:scratchhead:

We mark other, nicer, events, instead.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

3 years out: I still trigger unfortunately, FWH ignores or is oblivious to it unless I say something...however, I'm vigilant a month before and after as OW tends to try to contact FWH, fishing with reminders, that sort of thing... however, I just realized today that even at my perceived worst(in my WH's eyes during affair), I still had more to offer him than OW with her best hot sex, etc! We are still together, working through the pain of broken vows, trust to build a better marriage, fulfilling love and she got thrown under the bus where she still resides in lalaland moping over her tragic love affair. Feel so sorry for her husband.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Today is the 11th anniversary of my exH's arrest after a serious DV incident. I'm planning on marking the day by working late and doing nothing to remind me of the incident(s) that got him there. 

If you are in R, mark the day by doing your best to not remembering... and asking for all of the love, hugs, and kisses you need to remind yourself why you chose the path that you did.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

I didn't mean to suggest that you would "celebrate" the day, just how do you get through the day? Does your WS attempt to acknowledge or help you along?

On our first "anniversary" I told him in advance that I was going to need extra help to get through that day. He took me to lunch and for a long walk at a place where we have had happy memories in the past. The following year, I did not give any forewarning and he basically ignored the day. I forced myself to stay busy and push myself through it. Really not sure what to expect this year.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

If his acknowledgement via special attention is what you need to help you power through it, you should tell him that. 

Worth mentioning too, is that men are often NOT good at dates... and that one is likely one he has tried (at least subconsciously) to forget. But if you need to go to lunch and feel close, tell him. It is his job to help you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Seven years next month. Don't really do anything out of the ordinary. I am aware of it but that's about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, a WS default is to stay as FAR AWAY from the BS as possible on D day anniversaries, even in good R's. If they even remember them - in some cases, it's WAY more of a deal to the BS than to the WS. It's up to the BS to tell the WS what they need on that day, I think. Then it's up to the WS to make damned sure they do it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

We just passed 2 years at the end of last month. We had other things going on, which completely took over our thoughts at that time. FWIW, I'd rather trigger over Dday than what was going on.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

My D-DAY was when I realized the TRUTH...and found out more in the upcoming months than a BS should have to deal with.

My marriage ended with the complete and utter destruction of two families....


I now see it as the day I WOKE UP and saw my WW for what she REALLY WAS.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

We have a nice cake with candles, sometime we have company over or we will all go out to dinner. Typically it is with a large group of family and friends.

See d day is on my daughters birthday!


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> We have a nice cake with candles, sometime we have company over or we will all go out to dinner. Typically it is with a large group of family and friends.
> 
> See d day is on my daughters birthday!


Isn't that wonderful.. bonus.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

5 years out. It’s the first year that it’s sort of snuck up on me. On that day, I felt myself on edge. So I simply asked my wife to note it and do what she could to reinforce that she wants me. She didn’t; Made it another horrible day of excuses for why on one particular day when I need her the most to just help, she couldn’t because of her own selfish thoughts…. Oh, her excuse; It is also the anniversary of the death of a pet 8 years ago, so she has her own ‘thing’ going on. The remorse is fading into oblivion… she did try to rally that evening, but after an afternoon of attitude, it lost its healing value. As always, I plod on relying on myself instead of her for anything.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I can't pin DDay to specific day, trickle-truthed too much.

I don't see it as productive anyway, to acknowledge it, mark it in any way.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

michzz said:


> I can't pin DDay to specific day, trickle-truthed too much.


I can tell the day and the specific time. Clicked on the "Usage History" link on the Verizon bill and........ *WTF???*


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I remember the exact time also....5.AM...an hour after she got home from getting laid

Now imagine going to your daughters b day party in the same evening!!!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

the guy said:


> I remember the exact time also....5.AM...an hour after she got home from getting laid
> 
> Now imagine going to your daughters b day party in the same evening!!!!


That's gotta suck major cat farts!!!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

the guy said:


> I remember the exact time also....5.AM...an hour after she got home from getting laid
> 
> Now imagine going to your daughters b day party in the same evening!!!!


Close.. Sob story time since it's that time of year for me.

Easter Day 2009. Got the ILYBNILWY and we should separate (you move out Racer) the night before. So, started searching and found condoms in her glovebox. My own little easter egg hunt. Mid-morning we were supposed to go to her families house for brunch with the whole clan. I didn't go... sat at home, hitting the refresh button on the T-Mobile online service to watch her and the two OM's texting furiously back and forth and hacking her email just in time to see her exchanging easter pics of the kids with her EA. Then researched divorce, printed out the worksheets, etc. and waited for her to come home to talk about 'reality of breaking up a 13 year old marriage with 3 kids' versus her pretty 'move out so I can see if I miss you and it's true love' fantasy.

So, not only do I have a 4/11 DD, but 'lovely' Easter triggers too (which isn't a static date). Did I mention her bday is just a week after DD too? That's got yet more triggers since she 'got closure' (banged) her LTPA while leaving our kids with her alcoholic sister to fend for themselves and one got hurt.

lol... and xmas, and mothers day, and fathers day, and my birthday, and _____. Horrible stories and memories etched into my synapses.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....I mark the specific d-day ......by remembering it every single day since then.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

I remember thinking after Year 2 DDay anniversary about how I have been dealing with this for over 700 days ! Now I'll be over 1,000 days. Ugh...

Has anyone done anything nice for yourself on that day? Pampering? Shopping? Treat yourself to something? I went shopping on Year 2 and got some perfume and shoes. It was a short term fix, but it felt good for a little while. The next day, I went to therapy..


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: How do you mark your DDay anniversary?*



still so sad said:


> I remember thinking after Year 2 DDay anniversary about how I have been dealing with this for over 700 days ! Now I'll be over 1,000 days. Ugh...
> 
> Has anyone done anything nice for yourself on that day? Pampering? Shopping? Treat yourself to something? I went shopping on Year 2 and got some perfume and shoes. It was a short term fix, but it felt good for a little while. The next day, I went to therapy..


.....I have this inner feeling of "why bother" ...when it comes to the whole "do something ...feel better ..for yourself" thing. It's brought about by that short term feeling of "I'm okay" ...being squashed shortly thereafter by the reality of WHY you are trying to feel better. It doesn't minimize the impact of betrayal ....it doesn't roll back time to the moment before betrayal invaded your life.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I don't have a real specific D-Day because I was trickle truthed a lot, but overall, it was September 27th, 2012, and a voice in my head said "You should check out your wife's phone" and sure enough she's texting some guy she works with, stuff like "I wanna _____ you" and "I can't wait to ____ your _____" and stuff like that. The next day denied anything was really going on, except a flirtation that went too far, and then she admits to sleeping with some other dude a few months back. Over the next few months she admits to a dozen different ONS, but I always think of D-Day as that one horrid weekend September 29th is my birthday, and the 30th is my daughters birthday, but the whole damn weekend is stained by that. 

And Father's Day. After combing through many old e-mails with a friend of mine, I realized one of the dates she was with another dude was Father's Day. I pretty much never want to celebrate that one again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Mine was Cinco de Mayo 2011. We weren't celebrating or anything that day - just a coincidence. Will be 3 years here in a few days.

I plan on just rolling with life and not focusing on it.

Funny, the first DDay anniversary in 2012 I made a big harry deal about it. And I got the date wrong (thought it was the 4th).

Last year the date came and went and I was like, "hey, that happened about last week ago, didn't it?"

The bigger trigger for me is that it centered around a Cubs game she and the OM happened to be both attending coincidentally right around that time, which triggered the communication I found. 

My wife still goes to a Cubs game that same weekend each year for her friend's birthday. No, the OM does not go with them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> I don't have a real specific D-Day because I was trickle truthed a lot, but overall, it was September 27th, 2012, and a voice in my head said "You should check out your wife's phone" and sure enough she's texting some guy she works with, stuff like "I wanna _____ you" and "I can't wait to ____ your _____" and stuff like that. The next day denied anything was really going on, except a flirtation that went too far, and then she admits to sleeping with some other dude a few months back. Over the next few months she admits to a dozen different ONS, but I always think of D-Day as that one horrid weekend September 29th is my birthday, and the 30th is my daughters birthday, but the whole damn weekend is stained by that.
> 
> And Father's Day. After combing through many old e-mails with a friend of mine, I realized one of the dates she was with another dude was Father's Day. I pretty much never want to celebrate that one again.


Dude... Why haven't you kicked her to the curb?


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude... Why haven't you kicked her to the curb?


Long and complicated answer for another thread I'm sure.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

I don't. Had 3 DDays. It was many years ago.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> Long and complicated answer for another thread I'm sure.


I can't imagine staying with someone who did what you describe, no matter what the complications. 

Life is too short.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I can't imagine staying with someone who did what you describe, no matter what the complications.
> 
> Life is too short.


Time helps. I only think about stabbing her in the face a few times a week now instead of all day. Some days, I even like her a little bit. lol...kidding.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

still so sad said:


> I didn't mean to suggest that you would "celebrate" the day, just how do you get through the day? Does your WS attempt to acknowledge or help you along?
> 
> On our first "anniversary" I told him in advance that I was going to need extra help to get through that day. He took me to lunch and for a long walk at a place where we have had happy memories in the past. The following year, I did not give any forewarning and he basically ignored the day. I forced myself to stay busy and push myself through it. Really not sure what to expect this year.


Oh. *that* date?

I deliberately forgot what it was, buried it real deep.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....my 'initial' d-day was within a few days of our wedding anniversary (July 8th) ...and of course the 4th of July .....so that whole week or so ....pretty much sucks.

....and she can't figure why I fall into a deep funk around that time. It's no different than the anniversary of a family member's death .......which ...it pretty much is ......


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mines today and I "hope" each time it rolls around (this is the second) that she will try and do something special for me as she knows how badly it hurt me, yet I never "expect" anything as she is awful with dates (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc).

She is just so easy to compartmentalize and forget that anything ever happened (and still acts like it was nothing) that I really just try to get through the day without triggering or thinking of it much, which is really an exercise in futility at best.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> Mines today and I "hope" each time it rolls around (this is the second) that she will try and do something special for me as she knows how badly it hurt me, yet I never "expect" anything as she is awful with dates (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc).
> 
> *She is just so easy to compartmentalize and forget that anything ever happened (and still acts like it was nothing) that I really just try to get through the day without triggering or thinking of it much, which is really an exercise in futility at best.*




A gratuitous suggestion:

*Forget her, your marriage and the whole shebang for the day.

Go out and do a random act of kindness.

That stranger will make you feel better about yourself, than her, TODAY.*


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't remember my DDay . September I believe. Basically, every day was DDay for a long time.

Eventually I buried it


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> A gratuitous suggestion:
> 
> *Forget her, your marriage and the whole shebang for the day.
> 
> ...


I love this. What kind of random acts? One could just walk around giving homeless people money.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> I love this. What kind of random acts? One could just walk around giving homeless people money.


Hello, J:

The full quorum is:* “practice random acts of kindness, and senseless acts of beauty.”*

It doesn’t refer only to charity.

One can go do a monkey dance for a little girl, and make her laugh.

Or whatever. The crux being: *creating an UNEXPECTED moment/s of goodness.*

Happy to make your acquaintance.


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