# Hello everyone jim here going through though times.



## jimjon

Very complicated marital situation. I think my wife is either leaving or cheating and i don't know how to handle this situation it's a little too much for me this time. Any advice will help i will appreciate any intake on this. Here's the situation i live in one state she lives in another. I moved for a job. last week the kids 5 and 11 were on vacation with me and while here the 5 years old told me she was having sleep overs at mommy's friend Tim and i asked the older about it and he said everyone knows about Tim. i asked my wife she said Tim is just a friend and that she's free to have sleep overs at friends houses men and women. The problem is i don't know Tim and she has never done this in the past only started recently and she said she needs space and time. I have be unfaithful to her in the past many times and we worked it out and moved on. So this might be a reason why she's doing this. But then this came and the part that hurts me a lot is the fact that one i learned it from our 5years old second they told me they had dinner twice on her birthday and on my 11years old birthday. And she admitted to this and said we had an argument and we were not talking and he offered to take her out with his kids and she agreed. She said I've hurt her in the past a lot and that's how she felt which i totally understand but i told her i never introduced the kids to anyone how can she go as far as having sleep overs at another man house with our daughter? I can't wrap my mind around that and anytime since i found out she won't talk she says i stress her and she needs space and time. I don't know what to do or say. I brought the kids back to her recently. I am so hurt i don't know how to move forward from here. I know i messed up a lot in the past before but i thought as we previously discussed we were raising the kids and starting fresh. This is just a little too much from me. I need better advise and guidance here. Thanks


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## SunCMars

You have been unfaithful to her many times.

What did you expect?

You broke the marriage, she crawled free.


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## Lila

How long ago were your affairs?

Approximately how many did you have?

How did she find out about them?

How did you all work through the affairs? Marriage counseling?


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## Lila

@jimjon you pm'd me responses to my questions. Please post that message here on your thread. They are relevant to your situation, especially anything you might have done to repair the relationship post Discovery. 

Also, how long have you two been married?


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## jimjon

I finally figured out how to post from the desktop version and thank you for your help. We met we were both 19 been together for 14years and married for 5 years


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## Lila

jimjon said:


> I finally figured out how to post from the desktop version and thank you for your help. We met we were both 19 been together for 14years and married for 5 years


Glad to hear that you figured out the system. You should cut and paste your pm response to the questions.


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## jimjon

I had encounters with a lot of women and she found out through my phone. These were dating back as far as 2008 i can't put a number on them. We talked about it. There was no counceling envolve. Only recently she started counceling for other issues that had nothing to do with me and she told me that was brought up. I know i am guilty of a lot here but i need help and advice


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## Lila

jimjon said:


> I had encounters with a lot of women and she found out through my phone. These were dating back as far as 2008 i can't put a number on them. We talked about it. There was no counceling envolve. Only recently she started counceling for other issues that had nothing to do with me and she told me that was brought up. I know i am guilty of a lot here but i need help and advice


 @jimjon, when you said your affairs were dating back to 2008, do you mean they started in 2008 or they started in 2008?


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## jimjon

They started in 2008 and lasted years. I didn't have any outside relationships it was usually a one time thing or something that lasted a month or 2. I am not trying to make myself look good in any way. I am very guilty here. Then i grew up kids were growing and i started working on myself to change my behavior like she asked me to. She's been asking for it for years and only about two years or less ago i started working on it because our lives were getting in order and i was more focused on work and family


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## jimjon

there's something that happened and i almost left. There was a girl that i met and we talked a lot and i liked her and my wife knew and was upset about it. She confronted me about it i told her i didn't know what to do of it and i told her shencould leave if she wanted to and I'll fix myself and figure things out but she refused to leave and decided to work on our relationship. i never dated the girl or had any encounter with her. We both moved apart and stopped talking to each other because she wanted me to break up with my wife and i couldn't do it and refused to do it. My wife keeps on bringing that story for some reason am not sure why. this was back in 2016


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## ConanHub

There needs to be counseling yesterday.

Your marriage is probably toast, your fault there partner, but her behavior isn't healthy either and involving the children is over the top.

You two should at least take counseling sessions to effectively co parent.

She needs to stop introducing her affair partner to your children and absolutely stop bringing your children to his house while she sleeps with him!

Get your legal ducks in a row and document everything.

You toasted your marriage and I'm sorry for that but the bigger issue right now is your children's welfare.


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## jimjon

I appreciate your input. I still like my wife which is why i am still confused but i totally agree with you it's all my fault and the kids shouldn't be introduced to anyone


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## ConanHub

jimjon said:


> I appreciate your input. I still like my wife which is why i am still confused but i totally agree with you it's all my fault and the kids shouldn't be introduced to anyone


I'm not trying to pile on at all but your kids wellbeing is more important than rescuing your marriage.

Stabilizing their environment is very important.

Your marriage should take second place here to their health.


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## Lila

jimjon said:


> They started in 2008 and lasted years. I didn't have any outside relationships it was usually a one time thing or something that lasted a month or 2. I am not trying to make myself look good in any way. I am very guilty here. Then i grew up kids were growing and i started working on myself to change my behavior like she asked me to. She's been asking for it for years and only about two years or less ago i started working on it because our lives were getting in order and i was more focused on work and family





jimjon said:


> there's something that happened and i almost left. There was a girl that i met and we talked a lot and i liked her and my wife knew and was upset about it. She confronted me about it i told her i didn't know what to do of it and i told her shencould leave if she wanted to and I'll fix myself and figure things out but she refused to leave and decided to work on our relationship. i never dated the girl or had any encounter with her. We both moved apart and stopped talking to each other because she wanted me to break up with my wife and i couldn't do it and refused to do it. My wife keeps on bringing that story for some reason am not sure why. this was back in 2016


Sorry but I don't think you and your wife should remain married. There's nothing to save. You're a serial cheater and she's lost all respect for you. Two wrongs don't make a right but at this point, she doesn't care. She probably feels that you opened the relationship years ago and she's entitled to her side relationship. 

Work with her on an amicable divorce for your children's sake. It will help you two co parent cooperatively.


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## jimjon

I've tried to bring some sense to her in that regard. I asked her how can she do that? And she told me he's just a friend and she can introduce her kids to her friends as she wishes males and females.


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## jimjon

I know who i am and have extensively admitted to it on previous posts just looking for a way forward with less damage especially for the kids


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

@jimjon

She is rubbing your nose in it. You have been unfaithful and she has checked out. Am all for reconciliation when viable, but based on your posts you need to move on and get yourself fixed via counseling. There is something really wrong with your excessive cheating sir.


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## jimjon

Thank you for your input


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## ConanHub

jimjon said:


> I've tried to bring some sense to her in that regard. I asked her how can she do that? And she told me he's just a friend and she can introduce her kids to her friends as she wishes males and females.


Start talking to a lawyer and don't skimp.

You might want to consider springing for sessions for your kids in counseling/therapy.

Your wife might be through with you as a husband but she can't just move another man into the slot without doing things right and making good choices for the kids and she needs to know that she can't replace you as Dad.


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## jimjon

I knwo you're probably right and i brought this on myself. The idea of an extra fight with lawyers seem like more pain for me since i will have to now face it again in court it's a lot to swallow but i know you're right thanks


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## Lila

jimjon said:


> I knwo you're probably right and i brought this on myself. The idea of an extra fight with lawyers seem like more pain for me since i will have to now face it again in court it's a lot to swallow but i know you're right thanks


If you two can agree to terms and make it an amicable divorce there will be no need to go to court. Paperwork can be filled along with the settlement papers and the child custody agreement. Easy.


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## jimjon

Ok thank you for that info


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## SunCMars

jimjon said:


> I've tried to bring some sense to her in that regard. I asked her how can she do that? And she told me he's just a friend and she can introduce her kids to her friends as she wishes males and females.


Yes, she can. 
No, she should not, with respect to her male friend(s).


I think your only hope is to sit her down and own all your bad behavior. 

Sincerely, tell her you are sorry. 
And mean it.

Ask if there is anything that you can do to save the marriage.
If she says no, then divorce, telling her, when and if she has it in her to forgive you, you would like to get back together again.

Say nothing about her new man, or men. She must need this.
Let her get this out of her system.

Will she come around, come back? :crying:

I would think not. 

But, if you remain a true man to her and do not cheat again, some hope might be in store for you.
Some, likely not much.

Wait this out. She waited you out....for all those years. :|

Be calm, be pleasant, be understanding.

These other men may be just taking advantage of her vulnerability. Getting it while they can.
They may tire of her and she may then come back to you.

Time will tell.
You must give her at least a year. 
Be the best you can be for that year. 

This too will pass, 
We shall see if it shall wash itself....clean.


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## She'sStillGotIt

jimjon said:


> I have be unfaithful to her in the past many times and we worked it out and moved on.


 "WE" didn't work anything out. *You* managed to lie enough to her and give her enough sugary empty promises that she would foolishly chose to stay with you over and over and over - and every time, she'd catch you out chasing tail AGAIN and the cycle would repeat itself.

In essence, she just *continually *took giant bites of the huge **** sandwich you kept serving up to her.

Now, it's YOUR turn to belly up to the bar at the **** Sandwich Cafe. 

Would you like fries with your meal?


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## jimjon

Thank you for all the inputs. I did wrong but i didn't introduce any of the kids to my wrongdoings. I feel very bad for them to go through this and i wish i could take it back just for them so they can grow in a better situation.


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## jimjon

Suncmars i particularly like your advices. Am not for separation in general because i know the damges it causes especially when you've been in a long term relationship. i was wrong a lot of times and i did wrong too many times. I learned and grew from my mistakes. If there's one thing i learned is i did a lot of wrong to two adults and only change can save the kids. I was working on change and still am. I regret all the wrongdoings and hope things can turn for the better. I will definitely keep you all posted how this evolves. The last thing she said is give her space give her time so she won't be bitter those where her words and she said she respect the fact that i agreed to that.


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## Spicy

I am also very pro reconciliation when possible.

You have done too much to save this, and you should set her free. Since she seems to not be able to leave you, even though you are a high count cheater, (and she absolutely _should leave you,_she may take you back yet again, but she will never forgive you fully. Plus, she deserves to move on to a healthy relationship for the first time in her life.

So, here you are. You are still a dad. You need to stop being so selfish, permanently. Step up, and become a dad who is in the same state as his children so he can see them every week. I’m guessing if you don’t, your nemesis Tim will be the only daddy your 5 year old remembers much about later in her life. He will share all her memories, and much of your 11 year olds. You will share a few weeks a year. Cause and effect. Repercussions of very bad choices. We all get hit between the eyes with these things. 

I never think it is good for a husband and wife to live in two different states. The result is rarely anything good. Don’t make that mistake again if you ever get remarried.


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## SunCMars

Few of us like what life has in store for us.

The thing is, we helped in stocking the shelves.


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## aine

jimjon said:


> Very complicated marital situation. I think my wife is either leaving or cheating and i don't know how to handle this situation it's a little too much for me this time. Any advice will help i will appreciate any intake on this. Here's the situation i live in one state she lives in another. I moved for a job. last week the kids 5 and 11 were on vacation with me and while here the 5 years old told me she was having sleep overs at mommy's friend Tim and i asked the older about it and he said everyone knows about Tim. i asked my wife she said Tim is just a friend and that she's free to have sleep overs at friends houses men and women. The problem is i don't know Tim and she has never done this in the past only started recently and she said she needs space and time. I have be unfaithful to her in the past many times and we worked it out and moved on. So this might be a reason why she's doing this. But then this came and the part that hurts me a lot is the fact that one i learned it from our 5years old second they told me they had dinner twice on her birthday and on my 11years old birthday. And she admitted to this and said we had an argument and we were not talking and he offered to take her out with his kids and she agreed. She said I've hurt her in the past a lot and that's how she felt which i totally understand but i told her i never introduced the kids to anyone how can she go as far as having sleep overs at another man house with our daughter? I can't wrap my mind around that and anytime since i found out she won't talk she says i stress her and she needs space and time. I don't know what to do or say. I brought the kids back to her recently. I am so hurt i don't know how to move forward from here. I know i messed up a lot in the past before but i thought as we previously discussed we were raising the kids and starting fresh. This is just a little too much from me. I need better advise and guidance here. Thanks


I am sorry Jimjon, but you minimize your own cheating by saying _I have be unfaithful to her in the past many times and we worked it out and moved on._ What exactly did you both do to move on? Maybe she didn't move on it appears so from what she is saying now and what she is doing now.
The fact that you also chose to move away from her and your kids in order to work, probably she thinks you are still cheating, there is absolutely not trust in your marriage so she is keeping her options open and maybe looking for someone else. I am a one man woman but tbh I do not blame her.
Now the shoe is on the other foot you are hurt, sorry man, but what goes around comes around and now you know, no words of wisdom from me here.


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## aine

jimjon said:


> there's something that happened and i almost left. There was a girl that i met and we talked a lot and i liked her and my wife knew and was upset about it. She confronted me about it i told her i didn't know what to do of it and i told her shencould leave if she wanted to and I'll fix myself and figure things out but she refused to leave and decided to work on our relationship. i never dated the girl or had any encounter with her. We both moved apart and stopped talking to each other because she wanted me to break up with my wife and i couldn't do it and refused to do it. My wife keeps on bringing that story for some reason am not sure why. this was back in 2016


You toasted your marriage long ago, this was the final nuclear bomb. I suggest you sit down and talk to your wife and agree to a divorce so she can move on and meet someone who will actually respect her enough not to cheat, maybe she has found that man already.


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## aine

jimjon said:


> I've tried to bring some sense to her in that regard. I asked her how can she do that? And she told me he's just a friend and she can introduce her kids to her friends as she wishes males and females.


Really? Do you hear yourself? You have absolutely no moral high ground at all. your wife is moving on whether you like it or not, the only think left is to make it official.


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## aine

jimjon said:


> Thank you for all the inputs. I did wrong but i didn't introduce any of the kids to my wrongdoings. I feel very bad for them to go through this and i wish i could take it back just for them so they can grow in a better situation.


Sorry I am on your case. You may not have introduced your kids to your string of girlfriends, but your treatment of their mother left deep scars on her and an emotionally bereft woman who thought you would change. The emotional trauma you inflicted on her most definitely had an impact on the kids, please do not lie to yourself about this, damaging her, damaged them. Own it. You put the nuclear bomb in the middle of your own family, now man up and deal with it and do the right thing. Talk to her, ask for divorce, and treat her kindly and move on.


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## Casual Observer

jimjon said:


> Thank you for all the inputs. *I did wrong but i didn't introduce any of the kids to my wrongdoings.* I feel very bad for them to go through this and i wish i could take it back just for them so they can grow in a better situation.


But you did. You created the situation, you wrote the first couple of chapters in the book, and now your wife is dutifully filling out the middle. At this point you're beyond saving the marriage; you're in damage control. As others have said, it's time to learn how to co-parent and do what's best for the kids.


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## jimjon

I thank you all for all the words of wisdom the advices and the harsh words too which i deserve. there's is no excuse for what I did all those years. I will never own it enough. i made huge mistakes that I wish i could erase from my life. Am very ashamed of myself to the point it's taking a tremendous amount of energy just to talk about it to anyone. As i previously mentioned here i will keep updates here every now and then. she still allows me to talk to her and the lord knows i appreciate that more than my life. Today we spoke and she agreed she will never introduce the kids to anyone anymore and definitely not to that man again (Tim). I caused this to myself to my marriage to my wife and to my kids. I should be and will be the one to fix it. I have no excuse and am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I know i will never be sorry enough for a lot of people. I can see that here and i understand i deserve it. but to those who have more wisdom than i do i appreciate your words gor the way forward. your advises and your predictions about this situation that i caused. It takes sometimes a lot for some of us to learn what others know as simple facts. I was a very bad person but today I've learned a great deal and the lord knows i want to be out of this skin in which i feel trapped.


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## jimjon

Some here have told me to man up and ask for a divorce. i will say that i probably will never be man enough to ask for that until she decides it's the route she wants to pursue. I would rather see the kids grow with both parents than with parents separated no matter the cost. Someone here said i should have never moved to another state which i think is true but i should have never cheated in the first place either. My wife herself grew up with different dads and it affected her tremendously and affected our relationship too. I said in my original post she was in therapy for some time and still is for reasons that have roots in her upbringing. I know first hand how it can affect the kids to have different men in their lives it is affecting my wife to this day. I have a lot on my plate because i put myself in this situation.


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## arbitrator

*Sounds more like a marriage and relationship of complex toxicity!

Counseling may not even save it due to its extreme nature!

End this relationship as civilly as you can, and procure a good family attorney to protect your assets and custodial rights! And please get yourself into IC ASAP! *


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## jimjon

Thank you for your advice.


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## Marc878

You aren't doing your kids any favors by staying in this. Even though you are reaping what you've sewn.

How do you want them to act when they grow up? A child learns most from his parents.

You don't need anyone's permission.


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## jimjon

It is hard for me to accept that I am doing no good to my kids by trying to stay in it because my wife comes from such home where she was exposed to different men and it is hard for me to do the same or let the same happen to those kids because i have seen how it has negatively affected my wife


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## jlg07

jimjon said:


> It is hard for me to accept that I am doing no good to my kids by trying to stay in it because my wife comes from such home where she was exposed to different men and it is hard for me to do the same or let the same happen to those kids because i have seen how it has negatively affected my wife


But YOUR WIFE has already doing this to your kids. She is following in Her own footsteps here. You should bring this up to your wife to tell her how badly it affected her, so what do you think it will do to your kids?


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## jimjon

I will try to bring some sense into her on that. as a matter of fact she's received a complaint from the school already about our 11 years old. The school wants to talk to her on Monday they said in the letter that the kid is very angry and is turning violent ever since he came back from the Thanksgiving break. and they said they would like to know what is going on out of school because it is affecting the kid. She shared the letter with me and said she's not going to show up. All i said was ok perhaps not a good idea but i think and i know it's the situation that's starting to take a toll on the kid already because he's older and realizes his mom exposed him to someone else who is not his dad and it is wrong and she doesn't care but instead get angry at him for telling me the truth. It is very very painful for me to witness it all.


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## aine

jimjon said:


> I thank you all for all the words of wisdom the advices and the harsh words too which i deserve. there's is no excuse for what I did all those years. I will never own it enough. i made huge mistakes that I wish i could erase from my life. Am very ashamed of myself to the point it's taking a tremendous amount of energy just to talk about it to anyone. As i previously mentioned here i will keep updates here every now and then. she still allows me to talk to her and the lord knows i appreciate that more than my life. Today we spoke and she agreed she will never introduce the kids to anyone anymore and definitely not to that man again (Tim). I caused this to myself to my marriage to my wife and to my kids. I should be and will be the one to fix it. I have no excuse and am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I know i will never be sorry enough for a lot of people. I can see that here and i understand i deserve it. but to those who have more wisdom than i do i appreciate your words gor the way forward. your advises and your predictions about this situation that i caused. It takes sometimes a lot for some of us to learn what others know as simple facts. I was a very bad person but today I've learned a great deal and the lord knows i want to be out of this skin in which i feel trapped.


Jimjon,, none wants to castigate you just pointing out that you must own your role in the mess. You are showing that you have got this and showing some remorse which is a start. 

However, it seems to me that your whole family are crying out for you to step up to the plate and be a man who leads his family. YOu leave the issue of your son to your wife, shrug your shoulders and go back to your job in another state abdicating all responsibility? What is wrong with you! 

YOur family needs you there with them, your kids need you there with them. Your marriage is in shambles not just because of your cheating but because you decided to piss off to another state. You blame your wife's upbringing etc but what are you doing to help your family? Nothing except pass the buck it seems. You come on here to bemoan your life, so what are you going to do about it. Do you want to end up with kids who are delinquent, cut themselves, get into drugs, etc? Your pain is not important now, you created this mess, now do right by your kids FFS!

The best thing is to be the best man you can be for your kids and for yourself. It is likely your wife has checked out a long time ago, there is only some much a spouse will take till they tip over.
Only you know if the marriage is salvageable or not. If that is the road you want to pursue both of you must be fully in it, but it will be a long hard road. It will need much therapy and the rebuilding of trust, compassion and love. Some have done it but it is not for the fainthearted.
If you cannot see that happening, then do the right thing. Talk to your spouse about it, what she expects what you expect or how you see the future. Perhaps you can come to some arrangement.

Be a man, a leader of your family and do the right thing, otherwise someone else will be, it is your choice, the longer you wallow, the worse it will be.


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## jimjon

Thank you for the wisdom. First of all let me start by saying i caused this mess and i can never owned it enough. I am ashamed of myself and I purposely left out the part that i supported and still support my wife and family financially. i did not move to another state by choice it was to get a better job so they and i would live better. i currently maintain 2 households and this was supposed to stop this current December. that was the agreement when i left but with this situation it doesn't seem like it can happen. I am planning on going back there and stick it around for about a month. Seat down again with her and have a real conversation because the last one we had she wanted space and time which I am trying to give her now. In the meantime the situation like you said is getting out of control and am running out of patience in regard to the way it is destroying the kids. i will follow your advice and head over there in 3 weeks or in January. Those 3 weeks look to ke like an eternity but it's the time am giving her since she asked for time


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## jimjon

I understand too that she might have checked out already or is moving on but to the experts here my question is why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on? Why is she beating the bush? I am confused by that. The most she's said is she needs time


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## Lila

jimjon said:


> I understand too that she might have checked out already or is moving on but to the experts here my question is *why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on*? Why is she beating the bush? I am confused by that. The most she's said is she needs time


For the same reasons you cheated and didn't tell her you were doing so. She doesn't want to give up the comforts of being married to you.


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## Spicy

jimjon said:


> here my question is why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on?


Revenge & money.


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## jimjon

If she's willing to destroy her own kids future for revenge and money then she's certainly worse than a cheater. today she went to the 11year old school and they said he's been out of control because his parents are splitting. I spoke to her and she had harsh words for the kids saying a kid can't control her and i tried to tell her calm yourself down and be easy on him his reaction is normal. She comes from a home where there was constant separation one of her mom husband after raising her for almost 5 years when she was still 10 told her she wasn't his and that he wanted nothing to do with her and she told me that day her world shattered cuz she loved him so much called him daddy and believed firmly he was her dad. to this day shes bitter at the then hunsband of her mom. Money and revenge will only destroy her kids. Am a hard worker and certainly don't have a problem caring for my kids. I moved to another state to care for them not for me. I can afford the basic in this life but i can't afford to not be able to provide them with a stable home. That's my worry


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## guilty and regretful

When my friend was contemplating divorce she told me the best advice she received in regards for her children's well being was that "it's better to be from a broken home than in a broken home".

Meaning that children are intuitive and feed off the energy in the home. If the adults caring for them are constantly fighting/cheating it's going to cause more harm than mommy and daddy getting a divorce. 

My friend is now divorced and her children are healthy happy and feel safe. She waited a full year to introduce them to her new boyfriend and only goes on dates when they are with their dad. 

Therapy for everyone sounds like it's in order.


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## jimjon

I think your advises sound a lot reasonable and make sense. A broken home is a danger to everyone including the adults i agree. I am willing to do whatever it takes to see those kid grow the way it is supposed to. if their mom think moving is im her best interest i will not oppose her but as i mentioned originally introducing the kids to anyone new just because you feel comfortable next to them is wrong to the extreme. have sleep overs at a man house with your 5 year old and her dad not being aware of that not knowing the man it is very wrong. so far i have seen no one here say she did that part right. She never took the 11 year old there why? Because she knew in the back of her mind it was wrong and the kid could turn into something else but she knew it was wrong. She did took them to dinner with that man on the 11 year old birthday then on her own birthday the kid will remember that in the future and will probably look at her differently. I admire what your friend did. She went on date only when the dad had his kids. I have so much respect for that. I am the number one cheater but i never ever had a sleep over with any woman with my kids involved because my wrongdoings should not involve them. Also i am available all she has to do is say take your kids i need time to myself i never refused that never will and i actually offered to stay home with the kids when i was around so she could have some free time to herself. She told me the kids had a week vacation the min she said that i flew to them picked them up and had a blast with them for a week. she could have done the same those times when she introduced them to a stranger. the good news she agreed yesterday not to introduce them to anyone in the future or to that same man again. It wasn't common sense to her but she eventually agreed


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## jimjon

My wife has been in therapy for her daddy issues and is still in therapy right now for it.


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## sokillme

Dude you brought this lifestyle into your marriage she is just following the dynamic. Unfortunately you can't put the genie back in the box. Sound like it's over. I suggest you sit your wife down and talk about life post marriage. It's time for you to move to divorce mode, cold clinical divorce mode.


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## jimjon

Ok sir thank you i will definitely explore that route once i sot her down in a few days when i get there.


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## phillybeffandswiss

jimjon said:


> I think your advises sound a lot reasonable and make sense. A broken home is a danger to everyone including the adults i agree. I am willing to do whatever it takes to see those kid grow the way it is supposed to. if their mom think moving is im her best interest i will not oppose her but as i mentioned originally introducing the kids to anyone new just because you feel comfortable next to them is wrong to the extreme. have sleep overs at a man house with your 5 year old and her dad not being aware of that not knowing the man it is very wrong. so far i have seen no one here say she did that part right. She never took the 11 year old there why? Because she knew in the back of her mind it was wrong and the kid could turn into something else but she knew it was wrong. She did took them to dinner with that man on the 11 year old birthday then on her own birthday the kid will remember that in the future and will probably look at her differently. I admire what your friend did. She went on date only when the dad had his kids. I have so much respect for that. I am the number one cheater but i never ever had a sleep over with any woman with my kids involved because my wrongdoings should not involve them. Also i am available all she has to do is say take your kids i need time to myself i never refused that never will and i actually offered to stay home with the kids when i was around so she could have some free time to herself. *She told me the kids had a week vacation the min she said that i flew to them picked them up and had a blast with them for a week. *she could have done the same those times when she introduced them to a stranger. the good news she agreed yesterday not to introduce them to anyone in the future or to that same man again. It wasn't common sense to her but she eventually agreed


Some really weird narcissism going on here.

I cheated, but she did it around the kids.
I cheated, but she introduced a stranger to the kids
I cheated, but the kids will remember her cheating.
I cheated, but when she did it was worse.
I cheated, but she should have thought about the kids when she did.

She’s done with you and I do not think it is about money or revenge or the counseling. No, you screwed up and she followed in your footsteps.

Is it her Newfound independence that bothers you or “how dare she cheat on me” that is the issue?

her cheating is wrong, but your scale balancing tells me you didn’t learn anything from your behavior. Sorry, I for one do not buy “it is all about the kids.” That reason should have stopped you from serial cheating. This is just a way for you to minimize your actions and make hers worse.


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## jimjon

I am not minimizing my actions at all again read all my posts and answers on here i keep on saying i will never be sorry enough. i did wrong feel disgusted in my own skin. Should i say ok she introduced the kids to someone new i got what i deserve ok move on? This isn't about me wether you buy it or not. Most people here understand my concern about the kids if you don't then you're too focus on me and my past actions. Forget about me and look at what the kids are going through are exposed to. One is already having issues with that in school. What is normal to you? A split then every parent can i introduce the kids to whoever they sleeping with? That's sound ideal for the kids to you? My concern is the kids. my past actions are my past actions in the present i am not cheating and in the present the kids are being exposed to different men figures. It is wrong and she understands that already and dhe already agreed to put a stop to that and i previously mentioned that on here too. There's no need to look for the narcissist in me i cheated and i can't take it back however i can still do a lot for those kids it's my duty as their father. i will work on it till i figure out the best way forward not for me but them


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## jimjon

She's always been independent. i ever trapped her in any way. the kids well being is my concern not the independence she's always had


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## jimjon

She can cheat as long as she wants how dare she introduce the kids to her cheating partner is the real question get it?


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## jimjon

She's done with me good. But when her daughter gets molested in a home somewhere then my concern today will be revisited . And it happens way too often in this wolrd so i can't ignore that. I am concerned whenever my kids are introduced to another man especially my daughter if you can't understand that then you're probably a different type of parent


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## manfromlamancha

Jimjon, I do understand what you are saying. It is clear that you have owned up to your wrongdoing and are prepared to pay the price for that.

However, what she has done and is still doing is also wrong and, as you say, destructive to the kids.

You need to now get tough:



Sit her down and say to her that you will not tolerate her behaviour with regards to the kids.

Lawyer up and as others have said, initiate a cold, clinical divorce.

As you will need to support your kids, do protect your finances else your money could end up being spent on some boyfriend of hers.

Do not hold on to the idea that you will not initiate divorce and will wait until she does - this will not be of any good to anyone. You need to make a decision once you have sat down with her and read her the riot act on what will be acceptable when it comes to your kids and then if she is not compliant, go full speed ahead with the divorce.

Find out more about Tim. He may well be a threat to your kids - you do not appear to know enough about him especially since your kids have been around him now and also your daughter has had to sleepover at his house while your wife is busy screwing him. This is worse than cheating - by far!

Definitely work on yourself to become the best parent you can be. I am not saying that you need to treat her badly or unfairly in the divorce, but it sounds like you are prepared to be the stable parent and that is good.

You need to find out more about Tim and tell his wife or ex-wife what is going on. You may find out more info that way too.

As for why she is not telling you she is done is very clear - as others have said: stability, money, revenge etc. Do not expect anything better or more from her.


Stay strong, be resolute in your decisions and follow through. I agree that the well-being of your kids is at stake here.


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## phillybeffandswiss

jimjon said:


> She can cheat as long as she wants how dare she introduce the kids to her cheating partner is the real question get it?


Not going to get into a pissing match with you.

Divorce her.

Spicy said it best.


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## Tilted 1

Spicy said:


> I am also very pro reconciliation when possible.
> 
> You have done too much to save this, and you should set her free. Since she seems to not be able to leave you, even though you are a high count cheater, (and she absolutely _should leave you,_she may take you back yet again, but she will never forgive you fully. Plus, she deserves to move on to a healthy relationship for the first time in her life.
> 
> So, here you are. You are still a dad. You need to stop being so selfish, permanently. Step up, and become a dad who is in the same state as his children so he can see them every week. I’m guessing if you don’t, your nemesis Tim will be the only daddy your 5 year old remembers much about later in her life. He will share all her memories, and much of your 11 year olds. You will share a few weeks a year. Cause and effect. Repercussions of very bad choices. We all get hit between the eyes with these things.
> 
> I never think it is good for a husband and wife to live in two different states. The result is rarely anything good. Don’t make that mistake again if you ever get remarried.



I had to like this twice. Spicy is correct.


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## Tilted 1

jimjon said:


> I understand too that she might have checked out already or is moving on but to the experts here my question is why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on? Why is she beating the bush? I am confused by that. The most she's said is she needs time


Is also to get back at you, but she's waiting for the other man to ask her to stay. So she's unsure if Tim will ask. It will never be what it once was, because she has been in another man's bed. And guess what you are 2nd on the priority list. It's just the way it is. Do you really want your woman back after she's given Tim the full Menu Sex, and more than you got. Because she reaching at straws now and is willing to give Tim more than she gave you. She just figuring out which deal she wants more. 

But to you how are those mind movies going for you know she is doing it with and giving Tim, and others what was once only for you? Can you really swallow that, will she get checked for STDs, my guess is not. You just going where others have enjoyed the her and you'll be swimming in the pool you created.


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## Tilted 1

jimjon said:


> She's done with me good. But when her daughter gets molested in a home somewhere then my concern today will be revisited . And it happens way too often in this wolrd so i can't ignore that. I am concerned whenever my kids are introduced to another man especially my daughter if you can't understand that then you're probably a different type of parent


Man, what don't you get about what you said here, YOU! YOU! cause this and we are thinking if the kids, but your not just pay child support and hope this doesn't happen. You royally screw this up not her or the kids you did this. Own it and move on. Once your out if the picture your 11 yr old will ajust but you have to leave like yesterday.


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## jimjon

I will seat down with her in a few days and will see how things evolve. Divorce is on the table but my priority is what will benefit the kids most. My 11 years old is already having issues with it at school. She was called into school because of his behavior and they said he's been acting up because his parents are splitting. Decide to divorce her can be done in a matter of minutes. But the repercussions of it on the kids can last a lifetime. i get what a lot of people said here in that regard. I will seat her down ask how she would wanna move forward with this? People said on here counseling for both of us and willingness to make it work can be used but will be though. Therefore if she wanna go that route and forget about Tim i will see how we can make that happen. If she wants to continue with her affair then i will have no other choice but to get a divorce. I have done her wrong a lot i created this situation and now my hope is to get the best out of it for the kids. I've cheated too many times i reegret so much and wish i could take it back or even get out of my skin. There are days i feel so much shame at the damage that I caused and still causing that i am wondering how can i still function as a normal person. If she decides to follow that guy after our talk in a few days i will keep everyone posted and I will swiftly move on to divorce her and let her live her life.


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## jimjon

Full sex menu to Tim is what i have done with a lot of women out there n she took me back too many times. This put me in a position where her one mistake with one man still doesn't match my wrongdoings. The only part where it surpasses it is the fact that she took our daughter to his house. She has agreed that will never happen again. No kids near anyone or Tim. Now when i seat her down about the rest of the story as to leave Tim and start fresh in the state where i am or to keep on with that Tim relationship, that will be the real deal there. I have no intention of living in the same state as Tim however if am not with her then that will be on the table.


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## Bluesclues

jimjon said:


> I will seat down with her in a few days and will see how things evolve. Divorce is on the table but my priority is what will benefit the kids most. My 11 years old is already having issues with it at school. She was called into school because of his behavior and they said he's been acting up because his parents are splitting. Decide to divorce her can be done in a matter of minutes. But the repercussions of it on the kids can last a lifetime. i get what a lot of people said here in that regard. I will seat her down ask how she would wanna move forward with this? People said on here counseling for both of us and willingness to make it work can be used but will be though. Therefore if she wanna go that route and forget about Tim i will see how we can make that happen. If she wants to continue with her affair then i will have no other choice but to get a divorce. I have done her wrong a lot i created this situation and now my hope is to get the best out of it for the kids. I've cheated too many times i reegret so much and wish i could take it back or even get out of my skin. There are days i feel so much shame at the damage that I caused and still causing that i am wondering how can i still function as a normal person. If she decides to follow that guy after our talk in a few days i will keep everyone posted and I will swiftly move on to divorce her and let her live her life.


Can you expand on what your relationship is like with your children? I get the sense from your posts that you are not very involved in their lives besides sending money. Are you in contact on an almost daily basis?


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## jimjon

Yes i am in contact with them constantly. I talk to them almost everyday but they're kids sometimes they play and i just let them be but i ask their mom how they are very often. When they are out of school like recently i take them and spend time with them. It's during that time that they alerted me about a certain Tim.


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## jimjon

When Tim apparently got into the picture is during a time in which i didn't talk with her for about a month because we had a fight and she insulted me a lot so i just gave her space to cool off. During that time Tim stepped in according to her accounts


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