# 7 yr old daughter with no boundaries



## Weeping_Willow

Good Morning, 

As I was doing a search for answers, I found this website. I have concerns about my fiance and his 7 year old daughter. He allows her to sleep in his bed with him. It is a king size bed and when he puts her to sleep, she is usually on the far side from where he sleeps. I would also like to mention. I am not allowed to sleep at his apartment.

There are other issues with her going into his room without knocking. There are times he will tell me that she came in while he was changing as well as walks right in the bathroom while he showers or is going to the bathroom. 

I dont ever really hear him say anything sternly that she needs to knock or not come in. 

He has told me since the beginning that he babies her due to the divorce that was just of recent. 

We have been together now for 18 months. I don't know how to address my concerns without creating a fight between us. Not to mention when it comes to a child, the step parent will never win that battle. 

I am looking for advice. Thank you!! 

Willow


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## Hope1964

Is there a reason this is in the sex section?

You have no place telling him how to raise his daughter. You do, however, have the right to initiate a discussion about your feelings on the matter and how it affects your relationship with him. Keeping in mind that it may make no difference whatsoever to how he treats his daughter. Then you will have a decision to make.


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## Cletus

I think you two have very different ideas of what constitutes appropriate boundaries for parents and children. But then, you already know this.

You're right - you can't win this one regarding his daughter. But you'd better figure out what your joint position will be with any other children you might have together before your fiance becomes your husband.


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## MissScarlett

This sounds like normal 7 year old and parent/child behavior to me.


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## Weeping_Willow

I posted it here due to another thread that was posted back in 2011 that came up on a google search.


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## Hope1964

Well, unless you are thinking there's something sexual going on, you might want to ask to have it moved to the family and parenting section for more replies.


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## Weeping_Willow

so, you guys are saying its okay for a 7 year old to enter into the bathroom and talk to him while he takes a deuce or a shower? and looks at him and he at her? this is normal behavior?


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## Chris Taylor

My guess is that what was probably acceptable behavior when she was much younger (within reason) is now age-inappropriate. The problem is that he won't/can't draw the line

I'd suggest that you talk to him and try to get him to understand that it's now time to put those guidelines into place. If he's afraid of doing it, you can offer to have a "girl-to-girl" (NOT an mother-to-daughter") conversation with her about privacy and see if that helps.


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## ClimbingTheWalls

If it helps, the cut off age for children being allowed into opposite sex changing rooms with their parents at our gym is 8.


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## ScarletBegonias

my ex and his daughter had really strange concepts of boundaries.It started out pretty similar to what you're saying.It escalated to a point that I just couldn't deal with and it factored into my decision to leave.
You'll never win this argument and it's useless to try.


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## southern wife

Weeping_Willow said:


> so, you guys are saying its okay for a 7 year old to enter into the bathroom and talk to him while he takes a deuce or a shower? and looks at him and he at her? this is normal behavior?


Yes, it's normal. At that age, kids are not aware of their own naked bodies, much less Mom's or Dad's. 

Our daughter just turned 8, and this still happens at our house. I had told hubs that she is getting older, and therefore he needs to cover up. But we don't make a big deal out of it.

Let your fiancé baby his daughter; I don't see any harm at this age, but another year or so, things need to change and I'm sure they will, especially if the daughter starts to ask questions: "Daddy, what's that"? *child pointing at pen!s*


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## Cletus

Weeping_Willow said:


> so, you guys are saying its okay for a 7 year old to enter into the bathroom and talk to him while he takes a deuce or a shower? and looks at him and he at her? this is normal behavior?


What if they lived in a nudist colony? 

Comfort or discomfort with nudity isn't universal.


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## richie33

Weeping_Willow said:


> so, you guys are saying its okay for a 7 year old to enter into the bathroom and talk to him while he takes a deuce or a shower? and looks at him and he at her? this is normal behavior?


Only thing that matters is what you think. If you think it's weird and unacceptable you are not married, you could always find someone else.


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## Weeping_Willow

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> If it helps, the cut off age for children being allowed into opposite sex changing rooms with their parents at our gym is 8.


that does help.. thank you!!!


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## Lyris

My family always walked around naked and chatted to each other in the bathroom. My husband and I are the same with our kids. 

I don't live in America though. I've noticed Americans are a lot more uptight about nudity in general than people from other places.


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## Hicks

You should not marry him.

A divorced parent, who is guilty over the divorce and therefore overly permissive with his children makes a terrible spouse.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

MissScarlett said:


> This sounds like normal 7 year old and parent/child behavior to me.


Yeah, actually ... this is normal in my relationship with my daughters. There is nothing remotely sexual about it. If I am going to be undressed or using the bathroom then I will lock the door. They normally don't sleep with me but they have many times. As they get older it has become less frequent. These days they'll come in when it storms out or they'll come in early in the morning on weekends to snuggle. 

Both their mom and I have had discussions with them about boundaries from an early age. What is inappropriate in terms of touching or levels of dress. 

Interestingly this is completely different than the relationship I had with my parents. I was literally scared of getting the crap beaten out of me if I so much as knocked on their door. No way in hell I would have entered their room without knocking.


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## MissScarlett

If I didn't lock the door when I was using the restroom my teenagers would still be coming in complaining about the one trying to keep the other one off the computer. 

There's a reason those doors lock from the inside. Wondering if the fiancé in question also doesn't care if the OP comes in while he is using the facilities.


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## ntamph

My GF has a 3 year old girl and I would never in a million years tell her how to parent.

I can't imagine some of the advice given here being given to a man who is dating a woman with a child. If he tried to interfere most would say that there was something wrong with him and to be careful.

Men are just as good at parenting as women and don't deserve to be told how to do it too.


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## Anon Pink

Nudity in my family is nothing out of the ordinary. 

*Kids are intensely curious about their own bodies and the bodies of the opposite sex. This is normal!!!!!!*

A child is not looking at bodies in a sexual way at all. It's like noticing how grandpa's nose sticks so far out of his face or grandma's got wrinkly skin. It's all healthy and normal.

It's not until they hit puberty, at around 10-12, that they themselves decide they want privacy and need privacy as their bodies change. However that curiosity never completely goes away. During puberty the curiosity then morphs into sexual curiosity.

I suggest if you wish this relationship to progress, you examine how cultural nudity has effected you so that when the time comes you will be able to seamlessly adapt to the healthy LACK of boundaries that are currently present with your BF and his young daughter.

When my kids were little I would sometimes send them in the shower with dad. Then we'd all shower up together. My oldest, 3 at the time, was playing with her bathtub toys and wanted to fill a cup with water so she held it up to my husbands penis which was where the bulk of the water was dripping from. I cracked up! I can still picture that in my mind...and his complete discomfort with that! He didn't want his little girl thinking penises were okay to play with.


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## sinnister

Cultural too. We dont really have that modesty thing for such a young age (7). Some may but not in my house.


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## Deejo

Topic has been moved to the Family and Parenting forum.

As the divorced dad of a 7 year old girl, who often sleeps with me when she's over, and has pretty much done everything else you feel uncomfortable with ... I really don't know what to tell you.

I have begun teaching her about privacy, appropriateness, sleeping in her own bed, and all of the parts of her body that she needs to make sure are dry if she's going to shower by herself.

All normal.

If someone were to infer that the relationship with my daughter (I also have an 11 year old son, who I have a hard time convincing him to keep his clothes on) is somehow inappropriate, abnormal, or unsafe, I'd wonder what they could possibly be projecting, or have experienced. 

Not saying this is the case with you. But to me, what is weird, is thinking that it's weird.


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## Lyris

My almost-7-year-old hops into bed with my husband/ her dad if she wakes up with a nightmare and I'm with her sister. I would imagine if he was a single parent it would happen often. 

And as for naked she is currently sitting eating lunch in the nude. It's very hot here today. She is naturally very modest though and would never do that if anyone other than family was here.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

My son stopped talking to me while I was in the shower and on the toilet, etc. when he was around 10 or maybe 11. My daughter still will, but she is same sex. Kids started changing in separate rooms about a year ago. Still share bedroom. Will brush teeth etc. together but kick each other out of bathroom when they need to pee or poo. Will still go in to pee if other kid is in the shower, we have only one bathroom, what else are we supposed to do, and rude not to talk to someone while in small room with them? Need to let them know you're in there if they're in shower. And if they ask for towel, fine, here's your towel, no problem.

We all get in bed together (full size) to watch movies and when traveling we are cheap, if we have to stay in a motel or lodge, we get one room, if only one bed sleep all together or son might sleep on floor but only to have more room, not because of creep factor.

I think if you don't feel okay with it, don't date that guy, cause if you have kids he will be the same with them. And will think it odd if you want it otherwise. I think sometimes it's just typical jealousy and territory...new woman wants man all to herself, can't stand being put out by a little girl. Well, the little girl is his family, you are fiance. Probably if you are married, you better plan on having your own room to stay in when daughter is visiting. He is making it clear that he is the parent, for now he wants it to stay that way. Maybe you develop your own relationship with the girl, if he has to go away on work or whatever, she will sleep in your bed.
If you don't like it, this is not the family for you.


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## Theseus

Lyris said:


> My family always walked around naked and chatted to each other in the bathroom. My husband and I are the same with our kids.
> 
> I don't live in America though. I've noticed Americans are a lot more uptight about nudity in general than people from other places.



Everyone keeps mentioning nudity. *This isn't about being uptight about nudity.* This is about being uptight about a child walking in on the parent while he's using the toilet. 

Sorry, that behavior is not "normal" anywhere in the world I've seen. And I've lived a lot of places. I was born in Europe and lived there many years. I also grew up in the USA and have lived a few years in Asia as well. 

There's nothing abusive or criminal about it, but it's pretty darn disgusting. Next to watching my own parents having sex, I think the last thing on Earth I want to see, hear, and smell is my mother or father on the toilet. Bleeeeech


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## Anon Pink

Theseus said:


> Everyone keeps mentioning nudity. *This isn't about being uptight about nudity.* This is about being uptight about a child walking in on the parent while he's using the toilet.
> 
> Sorry, that behavior is not "normal" anywhere in the world I've seen. And I've lived a lot of places. I was born in Europe and lived there many years. I also grew up in the USA and have lived a few years in Asia as well.
> 
> There's nothing abusive or criminal about it, but it's pretty darn disgusting. Next to watching my own parents having sex, I think the last thing on Earth I want to see, hear, and smell is my mother or father on the toilet. Bleeeeech


My favorite story about kids and mom using the toilet...

My friend has 3 daughters and at the time they were all under the age of 7 youngest was a few months old. She was sick with intestinal yuck. Nursing the baby, she has to go! Sits on the toilet while nursing, second child walks in and just grabs a leg to lay her head on. Oldest walks in and grabs the other leg. She looks down at her kids and the two oldest are holding their noses but not leaving moms side!

Yeah..,toilet privacy, what's that?


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## RoninJedi

My oldest daughter coming in the bathroom when I'm showering, using it, or in our bedroom when I'm changing is something we began to change right when she turned 8 (about 6 months ago). Up until that point, it was no big deal. But then she started getting curious, and that was when we started enforcing boundaries.

She still sleeps in the bed with me on occasion - but with her, a king-sized bed doesn't matter. I swear she has dreams that she's a tornado and her body acts them out. But outside of that, she respects my privacy. It's different with my wife, of course, seeing they have the same equipment.

What constitutes being normal at my house probably isn't normal in someone else's. That's his daughter, so it's not your place to tell him to change it. However, you are well within your own boundaries to have a discussion about what your feelings are, and how you two will handle such situations in the future.

If you're going to be married, one of the biggest fields that you both have to have an agreement on is children - how they're to be raised, etc. And you get to that agreement by having a discussion like this one.


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## over20

MissScarlett said:


> This sounds like normal 7 year old and parent/child behavior to me.


It could be normal behavior for his child if she NEVER slept in her own bed before...and it could be normal because of the divorce.

DH and I have 4 children 20,18,15,11...for us it is NOT normal that a seven year old sleeps in the adults bed...

Try to talk to him about her previous sleeping arrangements....

Good Luck and Kudos to you for trying to tackle this very tough topic....


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## larry.gray

Weeping_Willow said:


> so, you guys are saying its okay for a 7 year old to enter into the bathroom and talk to him while he takes a deuce or a shower? and looks at him and he at her? this is normal behavior?


I was going to reply with something very similar to this:



Lyris said:


> My family always walked around naked and chatted to each other in the bathroom. My husband and I are the same with our kids.
> 
> I don't live in America though. I've noticed Americans are a lot more uptight about nudity in general than people from other places.



My family doesn't fit that mold though. I wasn't raised that way, and neither was my wife. We're not nudists, but we're not shy at home. I think it's better for body image issues to not react like bodies are shameful. 

We have a 17 y/o daughter, and we're still the same way.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

As far as sleeping with me, honestly, my girls can come sleep with me for as long as they want. I am sure that this will stop naturally.

What I don't want is for them to feel uncomfortable with me in any way, shape or form. We are very affectionate. They hang all over me, get lots of hugs and kisses and if I so much as sit on the couch they are immediately draped all over me. Heck, I've fallen asleep on the couch only to wake up in the morning with one of them laying on top of me. My oldest likes to play with my hair and there seems to be a contest as to who will sit on my lap after I've finished eating dinner. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm sure my view of this is influenced by my upbringing. My parents are affectionate with each other but our childhood was completely devoid of affection. The attention I received was primarily negative. As I stated before, for me to even knock on my parents door, I practically had to make sure it was a life or death situation. To this day at my age if I am in my parents home, I will not enter their bedroom. I struggled through my teens. I was very uncomfortable with contact with others and yet at the same time I sought affection and validation in unhealthy ways.

Certainly define boundaries but do not put up walls. I have no doubt that if I don't give my daughters the attention and affection they need, they will seek it elsewhere.


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## oddball

Were a family that is often nude - changing to swim, showering etc. I walk nude daily down the passage from the shower. My 13 and 11 year olds are now very vocal they dont like it. I dont really care. Its a natural normal thing. I am however much more cautious about their need for privacy. So I knock before entering where they are, and respect their need to be covered up.

Nudity is a good way of ensuring acceptance of our imperfections in this body beautiful obsessed culture.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

This relationship is not necessarily the right one (or the right timing) for you!

He has been dating you for 1.5 years yet his divorce has only recently been finished. Has he done ANY work on fixing himself from his last relationship? Or is he dragging his baggage from that one into YOUR relationship?

He parents from a position of guilt. That is going to be a hard one to overcome, if he ever can. It's not going to take her very long (2-3 years at most) to realize she can manipulate daddy all she wants because he feels guilty about the divorce. Again, has he done ANY work on himself with regard to the divorce?

His parenting style is very physically open and you are uncomfortable. What (if any) conversations have you and he had with how to raise children in general and the 7 year old specifically?

Why are you NOT allowed to sleep over? Religious reasons? Might damage the child? Hiding the relationship from an angry/vengeful/nosy ex-wife? Were you and he involved prior to his filing for the divorce?


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## EnjoliWoman

And may I add since no one else has - a 7 year old should have her own bed. If you are suddenly allowed to spend the night, she will be resentful that you are now in HER spot. It will be VERY hard to get her to sleep in her own bed now. I made this mistake - over compensating for the divorce and letting her sleep with me. Took quite a while to get her into her own bed. I knew eventually I would want that spot for a special someone and I needed her to be OK in her own bed for a long time first.

I don't see anything else wrong with the relationship. Nudity isn't a big deal at that age. There are other things that are wrong.


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## frusdil

When I met my husband, his daughter was almost 7, and she slept in his bed with him on the nights that she was here, which is 50% of the time.

We introduced our relationship very slowly, I would come over, we'd have dinner together and then he'd take her up to bed for storytime and come down and spend time with me. I NEVER slept over when she was here. We both (though prob me more than him) felt it was unfair for her and I felt that we should take things slowly and gently where she was concerned.

After we'd agreed that I would move in, we asked her how she felt about that and she was VERY excited. Leading up to this, he'd slowly started getting her to sleep in her own room so that she wouldn't associate this with me in any way. She actually said to me excitedly when we were discussing my moving in "you can sleep with daddy 'cause I sleep in my own room now".

As for the shower/toilet thing...she busts in on him - and me when I'm in there - all the time. No big deal. We're thinking that she'll slowly start to want more privacy over the next few months, as she turns 10, she's started to notice differences and was asking me questions about breasts and bra's on the weekend. I just answered her honestly.

She also loves to run around in her undies. When she's home, she should be able to. I can't see anything wrong with that at all. As she gets older, she'll naturally want to cover up and it will happen when she's ready.

There is NOTHING inappropriate about what your fiance is doing with his daughter. If you think there is, you need therapy.

Sorry to be blunt, but there you have it.


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## EnjoliWoman

frusdil said:


> When I met my husband, his daughter was almost 7, and she slept in his bed with him on the nights that she was here, which is 50% of the time.
> 
> We introduced our relationship very slowly, I would come over, we'd have dinner together and then he'd take her up to bed for storytime and come down and spend time with me. I NEVER slept over when she was here. We both (though prob me more than him) felt it was unfair for her and I felt that we should take things slowly and gently where she was concerned.
> 
> After we'd agreed that I would move in, we asked her how she felt about that and she was VERY excited. Leading up to this, he'd slowly started getting her to sleep in her own room so that she wouldn't associate this with me in any way. She actually said to me excitedly when we were discussing my moving in "you can sleep with daddy 'cause I sleep in my own room now".
> 
> As for the shower/toilet thing...she busts in on him - and me when I'm in there - all the time. No big deal. We're thinking that she'll slowly start to want more privacy over the next few months, as she turns 10, she's started to notice differences and was asking me questions about breasts and bra's on the weekend. I just answered her honestly.
> 
> She also loves to run around in her undies. When she's home, she should be able to. I can't see anything wrong with that at all. As she gets older, she'll naturally want to cover up and it will happen when she's ready.
> 
> There is NOTHING inappropriate about what your fiance is doing with his daughter. If you think there is, you need therapy.
> 
> Sorry to be blunt, but there you have it.


:iagree::iagree:

That's why I think the bed issue is bigger. I don't think it's a problem in his parenting or creepy in any way - I just think if he wants a relationship the child will eventually have to move to her own room and do so in a way that you or any woman is not associated with the move. My kid barged in the bathroom on me all of the time and it wouldn't have mattered if she had been a boy. I see young boys and girls in the family changing area at the pool. No one is freaked out by it. 

Now, I wouldn't want my romantic partner in there during a #2 - MAYBE a #1, and a shower is no big deal but that's more about wanting to be viewed in a romantic way.


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