# How often do you attempt to talk about your problems?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

In any given 7 days, 24 hours, month, fortnight, whatever, how often do you think about your problems? Wish you were able to raise the subject? Actually raise the subject? Achieve a positive outcome in the form of a conversation (not necessarily a positive outcome in terms of moving forward, you understand, merely the act of having a conversation!)
Anyone any thoughts about whether it's burying your head in the sand to prefer NOT to talk and hope that by simply 'living life' and attempting to put improvements in place you'll move the relationship on? 
Any thoughts about how couples move on if one prefers to talk and the other doesn't? Or if there are unspoken or rarely covered issues it's very difficult to talk about therefore doubly difficult to raise?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

When I was still living with my ex-boyfriend, I thought about our problems a lot. Things were very bad between us, so I never really brought any of it up, for fear of his reaction. He thinks I didn't out of concern for his feelings, but it was really that I was afraid to make him angry. 

Since we broke up last month, we have talked quite a bit about the problems we had. He's admitted to being abusive towards me, and we've found that some of our problems were nothing more than misunderstandings. 

If we'd talked about some of this while still together, we might still be together. But honestly, some of the problems are ones that I'm really not sure we could overcome. And those problems are the ones that would have continued to push us apart. 

I don't know that you can move on if you can't talk and resolve the problems. I think it really depends on what the problem is. If the problem is that you like ketchup on your eggs and he doesn't, that's something you can ignore without any damage to your relationship (well, usually anyway). But if the problem is extreme differences of opinion on parenting, where to live, or future plans, those are things that if you can't talk and resolve, you are going to face serious issues. 

One thing I always found helpful, and still do if I want to tell my ex-boyfriend something, is email. I found that writing it all down was helpful in a couple of ways: first, I could organize my thoughts and make sure I covered everything and clean it up so that I wasn't rambling. Second, by emailing him, he couldn't interrupt me and I didn't have to try to work up the courage to start the conversation. I'd simply start typing and when I was done, I'd hit send. That also helped prevent me from backing down at the last second, too.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> When I was still living with my ex-boyfriend, I thought about our problems a lot. Things were very bad between us, so I never really brought any of it up, for fear of his reaction. He thinks I didn't out of concern for his feelings, but it was really that I was afraid to make him angry.
> 
> Since we broke up last month, we have talked quite a bit about the problems we had. He's admitted to being abusive towards me, and we've found that some of our problems were nothing more than misunderstandings.
> 
> ...


Not being able to move on if you don't talk.... yip, thereby hangs the tail or somesuch.....


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I've learned that whenever a problem presents itself in my mind, I think about it thoroughly and in detail. If after a lot of thought(maybe an hour, maybe a week), I bring it up.
I think that it while it may seem like nothing to her, if it's a problem for me then it's a problem for us.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

I usually don't like to talk about issues and most of the time I'm a very happy camper. Still, when something is really annoying me, I'll talk and try be as calm as possible


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

stritle said:


> although we are both very confrontational people outside of the house, neither my wife or i wants conflict in the house so we have dodged conversations continuously
> in the 17 years i've been with my wife we have never addressed any serious issues with our relationship
> 
> tonight is going to be very interesting, it's all getting put on the table


I wish you much luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Whenever I am unhappy with something I usually just eat it, as it does no good to say anything to a brick wall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

When we were in the thick of it, I would wait for a calm time and try to have a discussion. We averaged 2x/month.

I didn't want to badger him and one particular problem I didn't bring up for 9 months....and when I did, I was accused of nagging! I guess the golden rule is anything brought up more than once a year is nagging.... (joking)

I don't think the frequency is the issue, I tried more, less, and wound myself into knots trying to bring things up just the right way....but even when I did it according to what he wanted, (timing, approach, etc etc) there was still a "problem" with the way I did it. 

Eventually I gave up, you can't make someone communicate. 

I stopped trying and simply told him what I was was unhappy with and what I was going to do. It didn't involve him at all. I expected nothing from him.... in other words I gave up trying to get him to change, to do or say anything. 

Amazingly, that's when it all changed (fingers crossed) for the better.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Leah: 
How long into you changing did things start to change between you? did he recognise anything was happening? did you feel you wanted to ask? that's something that troubles me - I need to feel I'm not doing stuff too little too late (particularly after yesterday  and wonder if asking if he's spotted a difference might be counterproductive! 
I just seem to get it wrong the whole time, and listen to people's advice on TAM and try to remember what an analyst once told us, and bear in mind what my OH says and yet..... 
STILL bring things up in what he calls 'buttock clenching' type discussions. The way I see it, what we SHOULD be doing is both being prepared to air things quite often (maybe even daily, but certainly more than once a week) because we're not together fulltime (which itself is part of our issues so has become the emperor's new clothes) so where other couples might hold things off until a better time, I hold off then realise it's only a couple of days till he goes away again so I get more stressed because he's not going to bring things up so I do then all hell breaks loose because he says he has a hard time coping with that kind of conversation.................
_Eventually I gave up, you can't make someone communicate. 

I stopped trying and simply told him what I was was unhappy with and what I was going to do. It didn't involve him at all. I expected nothing from him.... in other words I gave up trying to get him to change, to do or say anything. _

I really relate to the second part, I've learned (TAM & books, etc) that I need to deal with me and never mind anyone else... if after that WE are better, it's achieved something. If not, I'm probably going to be a calmer person, better mum & daughter, etc. Mind you I struggle to not say ANYthing about his smoking and as for not making someone communicate, maybe the way to put it is I still try to point out the benefits of communication!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

For the past 2 years, I think about our problems constantly. She had already announced, a few months into it, that she wil not talk about it any more. So we go through our daily lives pretending all is well. I can play that game for about 6 weeks when I finally need to talk. I tell her what's on my mind and she pretends to listen. 

Start cycle again.

I hate my marriage.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

MrK said:


> For the past 2 years, I think about our problems constantly. She had already announced, a few months into it, that she wil not talk about it any more. So we go through our daily lives pretending all is well. I can play that game for about 6 weeks when I finally need to talk. I tell her what's on my mind and she pretends to listen.
> 
> Start cycle again.
> 
> I hate my marriage.


However do you get through 6 weeks? Does everything appear superficially normal? Is there affection? Intimacy? Unconcealed venom? (sorry, I know this is personal stuff - as most stuff on TAM - but I can't help but ask. Same boat and all that) When you talk and she 'pretends' to listen, what does that mean? Do you actually get answers to whatever your questions are? 
Because we have day to day childcare, my two elder children, both mothers a bit unwell and in our other country, not to mention the very nature of living apart (me unwillingly) etc., there is so much simmering under the surface.....


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Signs of issues started about 2 yrs ago but we are separate a lot so I chalked it up to miscommunications. It got bad last year and was awful for about 8 months during which I wrote letters, tried to talk etc. Seriously, he was in a bad mood for 8 SOLID MONTHS. 

I will say I did say everything I needed to say in one way or another but he never responded, saying it was all me, being dismissive etc etc.

Not being together I understand, sometimes I was so grateful he was GONE but talking on the phone wasn't good either and nothing gets resolved. Some things need to be in person. Not to mention he used it to his advantage, he would be gone then come home and act like nothing ever happened. Convenient, LOL.

You can read my former posts but I got great advice here, some of which took time to sink in. I had to acknowledge that he is not evil but we simply may not be compatible. I spent so much energy trying to "do the right thing", be a good wife, communicate, worry about his moods, TOLERATE his moods, accommodate his idiosyncrasies, blech. What about mine? Don't I even get one???!!:scratchhead:

I was very burned out and saddened by it all and a flip kind of switched in my head, I played some silly mental games to steel myself but I was finally able to untangle myself from worrying about his stuff and focus on me. 

I put a worst case game plan together and started acting on that. I didn't hide anything from him, I started MC, invited him, he said no, so I went. I told him our relationship wasn't working for me unless something changed and I was moving back to my home this summer, going back to work, etc.

I guess that is what finally got his attention. The last year wasn't fun for him either. I moved last week....he came with me  And he is changing some things in his life, work, etc. 

He's been great these last months, like his old self (before marriage) but it is still early for us but now I know he can control his moodiness and he did hear me this last year. That's so important, I realized people do what they darn well want to, he DID hear me, he just blew me off at the time. 

For example he did this nasty silent treatment routine, he hasn't done that once. 

He had mercilessly badgering me about some things I don't agree/believe in....he actually brought them up again a couple of months ago, I cringed but agreed to the discussion ONE LAST TIME  and this time he actually listened, and came to the conclusion I was 100% right, it was a very bad idea. 

Oh my. Internally I was alternating between laughing and tearing my hair out, we had fought brutally over this subject for nearly a year. Over nothing. arghhhh. 

I do see him struggle at times, sometimes he almost "starts" but lately he catches himself and recovers quickly. He doesn't hold a grudge for weeks, in fact, a minor recent "fight" he got over within an hour - that is HUGE for him .... and I am off the "trying to please him to fix things" wagon. 

It does go both ways. I also react differently. Wonderfully, I don't get all twisted up inside worrying about his current mood, or future mood! 

I hold my ground, and I can let it go after the fact. But that's the trick I seem to have just gotten, I don't put or expect him to change, I assume he won't/wouldn't, so I put it on myself which is so much better, because I can do something! 

My 0.02, I hope something helps, Best, Leah


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Say you're watching TV and you reflected from the screen in many forms can not be a problem but if you watch TV and the screen reflects you opposite from you to you and without you that you have a problem? To you may be without you but you trouble which I had never but to you without you is not missing but between us who knows?the real problem is the attempt or the opposite in If you were not a problem of self


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

the gifted said:


> Say you're watching TV and you reflected from the screen in many forms can not be a problem but if you watch TV and the screen reflects you opposite from you to you and without you that you have a problem? To you may be without you but you trouble which I had never but to you without you is not missing but between us who knows?the real problem is the attempt or the opposite in If you were not a problem of self



I'm sure this was posted with the best of intentions, but could you try again using different words? I got a bit lost...........


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Interesting topic and Leah gives some good advice. I, too, have a problem with attempting to talk about our problems. I have no issue talking about my feelings...in fact I love it. I just married a complicated man who is recovering from anger problems and I just can't say anything. I could say it with a smile and a laugh and he could take it the wrong way and snap or give me the silent treatment. I don't want him to shut down on me. I'm still trying to get the nerve to bring up a few problems I've had with him since this summer.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

if i have a prob, i have to talk about it. but it depends on the level of anger the last time we talked, or how serious my tone should be.

if its a recent argument, say like a week ago, and it was heated, i wont bring it up again at least for a good month.

if its a prob i and only i have, or i wanna call truce on a old disagreement {we just agreed to disagree} than within the week.

we have time set aside just for us everyday, because we need to vent about our day, parents, kids, and anything else that might be important/unimportant.

like old resentments, or working out things in the bedroom, if someone said something that hurt the other ones feelings, be it yesterday or 10 years ago.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This is really the only part of my marraige that I have a problem with.

My wife is the "Worlds Greatest Rug Sweeper".

Whenever there is a problem in our family or relationship she will go to any and every length to ignore it and pretend it simply doesn`t exist.
This terrifies me as I know from experience where resentment is born.
Our ONLY arguments in 13 years have been me trying to force her to face a problem whatever it may be at the time.

Not long ago we had a problem in our relationship and after I was finally able to get her to deal with it, talk about it and fix it I told her that I was sure we`d always be together.
She said "As long as you never tire of kicking me in the ass".
Meaning that if I didn`t try so hard to keep us on an even keel we wouldn`t make it because she won`t try.

I`m very good at reading my wifes moods and know immediately when something is bugging her so after an ungodly amount of time I can usually pry it out of her, we can discuss it, find a solution and fix it.
I live in absolute terror that I have missed something or I won`t see the signs and something will build and form resentment and I`ll never even know what happened until it`s too late.

Once in a fit of drunken anger she stated "You only make me talk about these things because you want to hurt me."
I lost my mind, I had never been so angry with her because in all honesty I am a damn good husband who has always gone to great lengths to ease her pain and make her life happy.
She will never find a better man than I for her.
I know this, she knows this.

So the irony is that I`m afraid she may resent me for forcing her to open up about the problems that really bother her so she doesn`t nurture resentment.

Vicious circle.

What do you do?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Never. No point. Just brings on more attacks and threats.


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## Calypso79 (Oct 2, 2011)

I know we don't attempt to talk about our problems until something sets one of us off (usually me). My problem is that when something is bugging me, I try to keep it to myself until I've determined 1) why it's bugging me 2) if it's something that's, as my friend calls it, a deal breaker. Nine times out of time I never come to a definite conclusion and thus never discuss it until he does something that drives me up the wall. And then we end up in a huge fight where he always seems to have the right answer to defend his reasons leaving me feeling like an over hysterical female. Afterwards, I can 't help feeling like if it was something that bothered me enough to cause a fight, it must be a valid point. But I never know how to explain that to him. SO I ignore it.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

MrK said:


> For the past 2 years, I think about our problems constantly. She had already announced, a few months into it, that she wil not talk about it any more. So we go through our daily lives pretending all is well. I can play that game for about 6 weeks when I finally need to talk. I tell her what's on my mind and she pretends to listen.
> 
> Start cycle again.
> 
> I hate my marriage.


This is our life, too. Except my husband hasn't said he won't talk about stuff. Instead he just tells me what I want to hear, gets better for a day or two and then we're back to where we started. Now we're in the "going through our daily lives pretending everything thing is fine" phase. We haven't had a discussion about our marriage since July, I think. Right after that, things were better for a while because he had told me things would get better and I'm such a dope I believed him when he said it.  

I found out in August I was pregnant and just lost that baby a couple of weeks ago. He was emotionally supportive off and on throughout it - basically he held me when I cried and was more affectionate than usual earlier this week but now it's back to the way it usually is. It sucks because when he does start acting nicer to me and then takes it away again, it hurts even more.

I don't plan to have any more conversations about our relationship. All they do is lead to more heartache and frustration. It's better if I just shut myself off emotionally from him and put more energy into my kids and volunteer activities. Not ideal but I don't want to be upset about being alone in my marriage anymore.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

madimoff said:


> In any given 7 days, 24 hours, month, fortnight, whatever, how often do you think about your problems? Wish you were able to raise the subject? Actually raise the subject? Achieve a positive outcome in the form of a conversation (not necessarily a positive outcome in terms of moving forward, you understand, merely the act of having a conversation!)
> Anyone any thoughts about whether it's burying your head in the sand to prefer NOT to talk and hope that by simply 'living life' and attempting to put improvements in place you'll move the relationship on?
> Any thoughts about how couples move on if one prefers to talk and the other doesn't? Or if there are unspoken or rarely covered issues it's very difficult to talk about therefore doubly difficult to raise?


If I couldn't talk when I was upset, I would likely EXPLODE a short time after. I don't hold things in. I was never like this. A passive aggressive person or a Silent Treatment spouse would NEVER be able to stand me. Nor I them. I simply couldn't live like that. And their actions would anger me terribly. 

Of coarse there are times we must hold our mouth to keep peace, and not stir Tension - where it is just not a big thing. Live & let live. 

But the DEEPER issues, that we try to swallow but it keeps coming back up , and up again, those things we haven't gotten past, found some common ground, know how to proceed and truly BE happy inside about our differences, or our disagreement... these simply must be aired out....or resentment , withdrawl, becoming numb will be the result. 

I pursue , usually talking in bed at night -about whatever, this is generally our way -until we have completely covered it up & down , sideways & across and found a compromise, understanding with each other. *PEACE. *

My husband is not as forthcoming as me and it only hurt him in the past by trying to cover his hurt . If I had been paying closer attention, digging a little deeper into his Psyche, I would have discovered these things. He is not one to not speak or shy away when asked anything though, he is always honest, never runs, or tries to cover up -if I have called him out.... 

Love him for that. So as long as I am paying attention, clued into his feelings , we won't miss a thing with each other. He is getting better at down right telling me what is REALLY on his mind these days and I wouldn't trade that for anything. 

Good or bad, I want to hear it.


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