# My Husband left me for someone else, crushed and broken wife & mother of 2



## toomuchtimetothink (Oct 27, 2013)

Hello. I recently found this website while looking for some "help" to get me thru this tough time in my life. About 7 weeks ago my husband, best friend and father of our 2 children (aged 4 &7) told me that he "has had enough" claiming that he is so unhappy with his life and that he wants to leave me. He started by making me out to be a constant nagging, never happy, hard to please b***h. For a few weeks before this came out he had been not himself and quite miserable. I tried to find out what was wrong during those weeks but he would say nothing and carry on. 

As this came out of no where and he never came to me earlier to tell me that he was unhappy or considering leaving me I decided that there was more to this then he made there out to be. I went digging and discovered that he had been texting another girl for weeks. When confronted he admitted to cheating emotionally with her. He said that he wasn't leaving me for her but bc he really was unhappy. I tried to talk to him and reason that our lives together are worth trying to fix the issues that make him so unhappy. I also tried to talk him into counseling but he wanted nothing to do with that. 

Since then lots of things have been said between us but my heart remains to be his and I miss him all the time. Just last week found out that he is living with this girl that he said he wasn't leaving me for. All the bad he has done and said should be enough for me to give up but we have been together for over 10 years and married for just over one. I love him with my whole heart and married him bc I was supposed to grow old with this man. 

I hear all the time that I will find someone who will love me the way I deserve and that he will regret all these dumb choices he has made. My friends have been great being here for me but at the end of the day when I'm home with the kids and he is with his new lady, my friends all still go home to their own husbands and families. 

I know I'm not alone in this and I know I need to move on but I just want my husband/best friend to come back to myself and our kids and be the man he was before things went sour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I'm sorry that you are here, but the people here are wonderful. Your story is almost exactly like mine except I only have a 16 month old. My STBXH acted the same way and tried to put all of the blame on me and made me feel like this was all my fault. They act like this because they cannot handle the guilt of their own actions. Having a good support system is important and so is IC. I've been told by multiple people that I lost myself along the way during our marriage. Put all of your energy and focus on yourself and your kids. I know it's easier said than done when you miss the other person. Keep your head up and take it one day at a time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toomuchtimetothink (Oct 27, 2013)

volley said:


> I'm sorry that you are here, but the people here are wonderful. Your story is almost exactly like mine except I only have a 16 month old. My STBXH acted the same way and tried to put all of the blame on me and made me feel like this was all my fault. They act like this because they cannot handle the guilt of their own actions. Having a good support system is important and so is IC. I've been told by multiple people that I lost myself along the way during our marriage. Put all of your energy and focus on yourself and your kids. I know it's easier said than done when you miss the other person. Keep your head up and take it one day at a time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. I'm trying to keep my head up for the most part. It's hard seeing him and knowing he doesn't feel the same as I do when I look at him. It would be easier if I felt in anyway that we weren't happy as he does. I just am taking each day at a time and trying to be strong for the kids but hopeful that one day he gets his head out of the fog and is ready to work on these hardships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'msoconfused (Nov 1, 2010)

I am sorry you are here. Have this moved to the Coping With Infidelity section and you will get a lot of help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. 

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a good place to start figuring out how to handle the situation you find yourself in.

How often are you seeing your husband right now? Is he spending time with the children?


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

toomuchtimetothink said:


> Thanks. I'm trying to keep my head up for the most part. It's hard seeing him and knowing he doesn't feel the same as I do when I look at him. It would be easier if I felt in anyway that we weren't happy as he does. I just am taking each day at a time and trying to be strong for the kids but hopeful that one day he gets his head out of the fog and is ready to work on these hardships.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_

I'm hoping for the same thing but am beginning to think that it is wishful thinking. I now have decided to leave everything to God because I know I no longer can do this on my own. I wish you the best!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am so sorry that you are here. My story is similar except mine left to not be with the original OW but the new OW and is now in love with her and my kids have been around her too. I have no words of wisdom except to hold tight to your kids and don't settle for him coming back to you and you being second choice once he snaps out of this fog. Do the 180 to work on yourself so you can move forward. It is so hard to do and so easy to say but in the end, I have heard that it really helps you to be at peace in your life. 

And most importantly, keep coming back here. There are so many that have walked in our steps and have their life back in order and they are happy and they share their stories, sadness, struggles and triumphs with you to help you understand your worth and that you will be ok. You are in my prayers!


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## toomuchtimetothink (Oct 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
> 
> Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a good place to start figuring out how to handle the situation you find yourself in.
> 
> How often are you seeing your husband right now? Is he spending time with the children?


I see him most everyday. He comes to relieve the sitter thru the week until I get home from work. I have told him that he can't stay around tho bc it hurts and we can't get along so it's not good for the kids to see us like that. And I told him the kids cannot go to her place at all so when I get home he leaves bc if he can't stay here or take them there then what else should he do. So he leaves and in weekends doesn't really come around Friday or Saturday at all. Must love the freedom. However the other lady has 2 kids of her own. 

He is here right now and it makes me feel sad but also safe and comfortable. He's just not the same tho
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kimh (Oct 27, 2013)

My heart breaks for you ...


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

As has been mentioned, implement the 180. Your only hope is to just let him go. Tell him that you want your marriage to work, but will not tolerate what he's doing. See a lawyer and start the process of filing for D. Have him served. If all that doesn't snap him out of it, at least you can start to heal yourself.

Don't beg or plead with him. You can't compete with his AP. Maintain your dignity. If he comes to his senses and shows true remorse, you can deal with that then. Best of luck to you, this is going to be a difficult journey.


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## toomuchtimetothink (Oct 27, 2013)

I turn to friends as my support unit and personal counseling too. 

I hear if this 180 thing but am really not too sure what it is. Anyone able to help me with that? I'm willing to do anything to better myself for me and of course the kids. 

I don't know if I would say I would be settling for his seconds if he does want to come back bc I married him bc I thought we would be together forever. But I don't know if he ever will come back so I'm not planning on waiting around for him, just hopeful he does before it's too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

The same thing happened to me as well. I am so sorry you are going through this as it is hard to understand. I finally is able to accept that I will never understand so I stop trying to understand all these craziness. To me, my husband is dead. This person is just a stranger. This helped me a lot because my love is toward someone that is dead and I no longer love the person I am dealing with anymore.

The only thing you can do now is be good to yourself. Be selfish as you deserve it right now. Allow yourself to go through all the emotional ups and downs and you will know if you want to wait for the fog to lift or you will end the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

toomuchtimetothink said:


> I turn to friends as my support unit and personal counseling too.
> 
> I hear if this 180 thing but am really not too sure what it is. Anyone able to help me with that? I'm willing to do anything to better myself for me and of course the kids.
> 
> I don't know if I would say I would be settling for his seconds if he does want to come back bc I married him bc I thought we would be together forever. But I don't know if he ever will come back so I'm not planning on waiting around for him, just hopeful he does before it's too late.


I have a link to the 180 in my signature block below. It's the way you interact with your husband until he ends his affair and returns home. It's done to keep you emotionally safe from the hurt his affair is causing you.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TooMuchTime, sorry to hear your going through this. Coming here and posting was a good move - personally, TAM has helped me in so many ways. I never would have made it through the 15 months if not for TAM, or at least I would be doing as well as I am now.

If you want more info on the 180, check out Synthetic's 10 Commandments:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/90994-ask-her-move-back-week.html#post2725321

Some of his commandments are geared towards the menfolk, but us ladies can employ most of them as well.

The 180 is from Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again: Michele Weiner-Davis: 9780671797256: Amazon.com: Books. But you might not need the book - check out the link above first.


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## toomuchtimetothink (Oct 27, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> TooMuchTime, sorry to hear your going through this. Coming here and posting was a good move - personally, TAM has helped me in so many ways. I never would have made it through the 15 months if not for TAM, or at least I would be doing as well as I am now.
> 
> If you want more info on the 180, check out Synthetic's 10 Commandments:
> 
> ...



Thank you!! 

I'm glad your doing well now. I look forward to reading those and doing what I can to get better. 

Did your husband come back?? 15 months seems like such a long time as for me it's hasn't been 2  

I'm glad I came here 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this and glad you have your friends support.

You said your husband *is *your best friend. He *was* your best friend... 

As everyone said - do 180, keep communications to the minimum and keep yourself busy. Time with friends, fun activities with kids, a lot of exercises. 

And you should file for divorce - if there is any chance he would come back, that would be it...


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## toomuchtimetothink (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks. I'm hoping to start exercising more to fill my time. I want to do the 180 I really do. It seems tough but the way it appears to me is if the spouse does not see the change you are hoping for then you yourself have made the change for yourself anyway. I guess it's geared to that. 

I will do my best to start tomorrow. I need to. 

Thank u everyone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

toomuchtimetothink said:


> Thank you!!
> 
> I'm glad your doing well now. I look forward to reading those and doing what I can to get better.
> 
> ...


Oh, no - he didn't come back. And I'm actually quite grateful for that now. The distance and the time allowed me to see just how messed up our relationship was, and just how - for lack of a better word - BROKEN he is, and that I deserve better than what he can give me. 

If he were to come back to me now, there's no way in he11 I would take him back. I'm much better off alone; there's no way I would ever again subject myself to his particular brand of emotional abuse. I'm worth more than that.


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