# In Laws



## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

Hi guys

I just got married last year and have been in a long distance marital relationship because i'm currently trying to finish up med school. I'm having trouble with my in laws because I've noticed them being quite conceited and ****y. Its annoying to talk to them sometimes because they'd give twisted answers to basic questions. 
Also, my mother in law is someone who manages to annoy me in almost every conversation i have. She expects me to call her regularly. I have a busy schedule being in medical school and it bothers me that she has this demand of calling her regularly. Shes a very calm and lady who things very highly of herself and talks with authority. How am I to deal with someone like this. I dont think I shud complain about her to my husband because i feel that will create problems between us. 
IDEAS?
I seriously want your guys' advice cuz i'm fine with every issue except for when it comes to dealing with her. PLEASE HELP


----------



## Mrs.Saucy (Jul 21, 2011)

Be very direct and assertive with her. Maybe scheduling a weekly chat would help (if you like talking to her), otherwise just tell her that you are trying the best that you can to balance everything out and once you finish schooling you will have more time to connect and bond. If that doesn't work then it's in your DH's court to talk to his mother and tell her to back off and find out what the issue is.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Maybe you could talk to your H and tell him that you would really love to talk to her more but you're just too busy. That way if she complains to him then you are covered. You might also try telling her and then do your best to ignore any annoying comments or nagging.

I think in these situations usually the need to not feel like a bad person is what drives you. But that's never successful because resentment builds up and you end up doing something that was much worse then just putting your foot down from the very beginning.


----------



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Ah the inlaws

I have the same problem. My mother in law is a really nice person but I have noticed in conversations about almost anything I'll say black and she'll say white. Anytime I try to make small talk I feel as if Im always saying the wring thing.

My husband is totally oblivious to the things she says. She often comes out with little comments that niggle away at me but I cant do anything because she always says things with a smile or a laugh so if i'd to say anything back I'd be the one over reacting.

I think its a hard thing to deal with. Its quite easy for other people to say try ignore her but if your like me it just eats a way at me.
Your right about not complaining to your husband. I tried this but as I say he's totally oblivious to her little ways/comments so the outcome was I was the bad guy and that I hated his mother This makes me feel a bit isolated sometime, the outsider

I dont hate her she just annoys me and like you I struggle to deal with it.

I think its unfair that she expects you to call her regularly. I know its nice to be able to have a good relationship but its his Mother not yours.

Sorry not much help but just wanted you to know your not alone.


----------



## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

Thanks for responding you guys. I truly appreciate it. 

@ Mrs Saucy: The last time I talked to her I told her how i've been busy and its hard to stay in touch and she continued to say that well even if you can just call for a few seconds and just let me here your voice and that you're doing well thats fine. I feel like she wants me to add that in my routine or something to call her regularly to just let her know that i'm doing fine. I'm not really used to this...i talk to my husband regularly but am just not really interested in making this routine with her...makes me feel like i'm 15 again.
@Blanca: I've told my hubby how busy my schedule is and thankfully he's very understanding...he used to bug me before to call his mom and his sister regularly but i just shrugged it off and it worked...he doesnt say anything anymore. He can see himself that i hardly call anyone cuz i have too much on my mind. So that part is resolved.
@KIo159: Thanks for your support. I appreciate that you're sharing your problems as well cuz it does feel nice to know that i'm not alone. And what you said about your mother in law (MIL) saying everything with a big smile...OH MY GOD Same with my MIL. I've never seen her get angry with anyone...she's very smooth. She keeps her cool and a couple times I lost mine so I totally became the bad guy. I guess at the same time...we can learn a thing or two from our own MIL's and how they carry themselves so that we can deal with them in a smarter way without getting into any confrontations. The only hard part is that i've always been honest and straightforward so this is a challenge but i'm hoping that by observing her i can learn how to deal with her as well. She's NEVER straightforward with anything! And I hate that cuz she never lets anyone figure her out...instead she's busy trying to get to know while keeping herself completely shut. Guess what her favorite subject was in her college days...PSYCHOLOGY


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

She sounds like a controlling narcissist. Make sure your husband supports YOU and makes your marriage the priority. His mother's demands are excessive. Maybe there is a cultural component that I'm not understanding, but to have a MIL who expects her DIL to call her regularly is bizarre. Keep good boundaries as this will only get worse, especially when/if you have children.


----------



## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Saying anything about MIL to my husband just makes him think I hate her. She shows no interest in me and even though I've been married to her son now for 12 years, she is unaware if I have brothers or sisters or even what their names are.

She is a narcissists and all conversation revolves around what she wants to talk about, and talk she does.

It does eat away at you and I even now want her and FIL out of my life completely.

I dont know if talking to your H will do any good, as I have now learned that blood is thicker than water (marriage), and saying anything, even if not negative, about in-laws to a husband never works because they will always side with their parents and vice-versa.

Good luck, at least you have a wonderful profession to look forward to and keep your mind on other things.


----------



## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

It's good you alreadybtalked to him about this, at least you have some air now. Anyway, overall people usually stick with their family, so never be too critical. The one time I had to take mu man's family a little touger, he rallied With them. Lesson learned. I am very polite and nice and that's it. Will marry him, not them, so I actually don't care or put anything they say to heart


----------



## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

Thanks for your responses guys.

You know what's really weird to me is that my husband and my sister in law both despise their dad's side of the family. His dad (may he rest in peace) apparently kicked out his whole family from their lives according to my husband. He told me that his mom always kept him and his sis away from all of their dad's side of the family because they're horrible people, but she was always super nice to them on their faces which is why they still ask about her till this very day. Him and his sister are super attached to his mom's side of the family and have no real relation with anyone from the dad's side. 

His sister had major issues with her inlaws as well and both his aunts (mom's sisters) despise their inlaws...but they all put on this amazing front to the point that all of their inlaws are always asking about them and praising them. 
They seem very political to me. 

One of my friends advised me to call my MIL regularly...maybe once or twice a month and be super nice so that she'd have nothing bad to say about me. This will require me to be super fake and super political...which i'm guessing is what she did. But hey she lived her life the way she wanted and managed to kick all of her husband's family outta his life without ever becoming the bad guy. Somehow my FIL ended every relationship he had with his family...I dont think that just happened by itself. 

The Narcissist part...I AGREE!


----------



## beck_ron (Jun 19, 2012)

Hi to everyone. Proud to welcome all of you...Pretty enjoyable forum I got here... 

I've been married to person whom I loved with all deepest of heart..it continued about year...approximately 6-7 month we were happiest couple. Then I began gambling and there was a time that I did not come home for a several few days. So this way I felt that she became cold to me a bit... A few month later I can say that it already was done in our relation...We were having a sex 1 time in 2-3 days....or in week. Thus I lost her... and we got divorced... What you think good people what was a biggest mistake of mine in this situtation....? 

Regards: Becky


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Beck_ron, and welcome. You might want to post an entirely new thread to get replies since you're in someone else's right now. 

Creed, just how often does she expect this little "check in?" Would you be able to tell her, "Sorry, I don't like to talk on the phone, but I'll e-mail you?" Or you can offer to text - whatever kind of communication she likes least so she won't try to keep you engaged when you send a bland, no-news tidbit. 

Another option might be to say, "I'm not good at keeping in touch like that. Feel free to call me, though!" (You do have an ignore button on your cell phone, right?) 

I've always felt uncomfortable with requests like she's making. I went through something similar with my MIL. The backstory was that three DAYS after my husband and I purchased our house, she showed up with boxes full of stuff for us to store - things like painted pine needles and cicada husks and strongly hinted at wanting to move in. Eventually, we did move her to the state where we lived, but I refused to have another woman run my household, so we bought a place about 10 miles away just for her. She wanted me to bring her water once a week because she didn't like the taste of tap water and my husband was overseas. I said no, that it would simply be too inconvenient for me. Since my ex and I divorced, she has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen. Know what? I don't regret saying no.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

creed said:


> Hi guys
> 
> I just got married last year and have been in a long distance marital relationship because i'm currently trying to finish up med school. I'm having trouble with my in laws because I've noticed them being quite conceited and ****y. Its annoying to talk to them sometimes because they'd give twisted answers to basic questions.
> Also, my mother in law is someone who manages to annoy me in almost every conversation i have. She expects me to call her regularly. I have a busy schedule being in medical school and it bothers me that she has this demand of calling her regularly. Shes a very calm and lady who things very highly of herself and talks with authority. How am I to deal with someone like this. I dont think I shud complain about her to my husband because i feel that will create problems between us.
> ...


Your MIL sounds political. I get worried about people who talk sweet on the face and stab you from behind. Make sure she doesn't sabotage your relation with your H. Few questions: 

- How much longer is your marriage going to be a long distance marriage?
- Does your H stay with his mother and rest of the family?
- What kind of an influence does the MIL have on your H? What does he think of her? Does she control him?
- Has there been any incidence when he has or has not stood up for you in front of MIL? 
- Is she retired? What was her profession?
- When did your H's dad pass away?
- When she asks you to call her frequently? Does she mean everyday?? How is her tone (dominating, caring etc) 
- In what other ways does she manage to annoy you?
- Other than the MIL who else do you have to deal with from your H's side? How are those people?

Here is what I would recommend ... 

Option#1 

Ask your H to deliver the message to her by talking to her. However let that not sound as a complaint. Something like .... "_Looks like your mom expects me to call her frequently. However given my schedule it is not possible for me to do so. I tried to explain it to her however I was probably not that effective at letting her know. Can you plz let her know as well_" ... something on those lines.


Option#2

1. Attempt to explain politely how I might not be able to call frequently due to my busy schedule (looks like you already did this)
2. Thereafter I would call her per my convenience and comfort (once a week... later reduce to once in two weeks or whatever you feel is good) If she calls frequently ignore her calls so she gets the message.
3. When you talk with her again after ignoring couple of her calls don't feel awkward or guilty. If she pesters you about ignoring the calls don't take it seriously. Tell her in a civilized manner that you were busy. Don't explain too much. At the first available opportunity change the topic to something else. Example: "Sorry I couldn't return your calls, I was so busy with my exams.... " ... talk about exams and change topic. Or "Sorry I was busy couldn't return your calls.... So how has your week been?"
4. Repeat above steps couple of times so she gets the message


----------

