# Women who want their husbands to stop asking/nagging for sex...



## toolate

How would you feel if he gave you the gift of not asking or talking about sex anymore? Would that make you feel like he was listening to your needs? 

I am a high sex drive wife and my husband tells me to stop asking for sex/affection bc he feels like its all I want. So, I took a risk and gave him what he has been asking for... Im not going to ask him for it, Im not going to initiate, I basically took it off the table like he asked. Would you be happy if your husbands who hound you about sex did this? Thanks for any responses as I dont understand how this is a good thing, but those on the receiving end of the "hounding for sex" may be able to help me understand this.


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## okeydokie

i have done the same thing with my wife, we now live like roomates and i guarantee you she is comfortable with it. its just part of the process that is a marriage unravelling. i find myself increasingly drawn to other activities that do not involve her at all. i feel a sense of bliss slowly creeping in, it is my guage as to how stressful and uncomfortable things have been while i was obsessing over it.


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## Enchantment

We don't have this problem anymore, but back in the early years of marriage we had this problem a lot. It wasn't so much him asking/nagging as much as it was constant groping and pressure.

About year four, I had had it and was going to walk. It woke him up in a big way, he completely stopped the groping and pressure and we decided to work on it together. And, almost 20 years later he has kept to his word - learned how to approach and touch me - and I've kept to mine as well.

It can work, especially if both of you are on board.

However, based upon some of your other comments about your husband, I would say that he is not necessarily on board to work it out with you.

Best wishes.


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## Havesomethingtosay

As usual if you do not provide context it means nothing. A base line for an active sex life (and don't tell me that I am unreasonable) is 2/3X's/wk. I would venture 80-90%+ of people would consider this perfectly feasible (of course family/work/stress..... get in the way).

Now if you are having sex that much and are bothering him/her for more, he/she is perfectly within their right to say you are nagging. 

If it is 1X/wk or mth.... Then I fully understand the nagging and say you have every right to do so..... JMHO....


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## Runs like Dog

I did that. It's not a game or dare. And it's not what people 'do' but who they are. I discovered my wife had, has and will continue to have zero point zero interest and that the merest mention of it is lambasted as 'pressure' and I can go to hell. Fair enough.


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## toolate

Havesomethingtosay said:


> As usual if you do not provide context it means nothing. A base line for an active sex life (and don't tell me that I am unreasonable) is 2/3X's/wk. I would venture 80-90%+ of people would consider this perfectly feasible (of course family/work/stress..... get in the way).
> 
> Now if you are having sex that much and are bothering him/her for more, he/she is perfectly within their right to say you are nagging.
> 
> If it is 1X/wk or mth.... Then I fully understand the nagging and say you have every right to do so..... JMHO....


I think you missed the ?... we arent having sex... we go 1 time per 2 weeks to 1 time per 2 months... once in the marriage (recently, and I mistook it for improvement) we had sex 4 times over a weekend... but then it stopped. 

We dont fit into the category you described... I ask for it maybe 2-3 times a week, but he says no every time... we only have sex when he wants it which is outlined above... and I would consider that infrequency a low sex drive for a man.

My question was more about how wives who are approached alot more than they want would respond to their husbands saying to them "I know this is something that really bothers you (ie when I "nag" you for sex), so Im going to give you a gift, a gift of me not bringing up the sex..." Would you like that?


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## Cherry

I wish my H knew a happy medium when it comes to asking/nagging for sex. But at the same time I can see the dilemma he's in... I ask him to be touchy/feely in other non-sexual ways, because like your H, I feel like sometimes that's all he wants... But for my H, he has to stop being intimate in any touchy way, or else he get's turned on, which then creates the nagging for sex. It's a slippery slope in our home. For instance, we give goodnight hugs/kisses, next thing you know he's got a hard on, mind me it's just a kiss/hug. No touching. Now, it's 10 pm and he's horny. On one hand, I'm flattered, on the other I'm annoyed. Another example, we're sitting on the couch, he has his hand on my leg, he can't leave it there for any length of time without moving up my leg to my crotch. Is it something men (and women) can't control? I crave the intimate moments that do not lead to sex, really I do. I would love to just have a 5 minute kiss session and be able to lay there and cuddle and go to sleep, but I can't because now he's got a raging hard on that won't go away.


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## toolate

Enchantment said:


> We don't have this problem anymore, but back in the early years of marriage we had this problem a lot. It wasn't so much him asking/nagging as much as it was constant groping and pressure.
> 
> About year four, I had had it and was going to walk. It woke him up in a big way, he completely stopped the groping and pressure and we decided to work on it together. And, almost 20 years later he has kept to his word - learned how to approach and touch me - and I've kept to mine as well.
> 
> It can work, especially if both of you are on board.
> 
> However, based upon some of your other comments about your husband, I would say that he is not necessarily on board to work it out with you.
> 
> Best wishes.


Since you are the only one who answered as having been the low drive wife... you were going to leave the marriage bc your husband "pressured" and "groped"? My husband syas he loves sex but bc I bring it up so much he is turned off. I say to him, well, I only bring up when we arent having it. he has no answer after that and thats usually when he mocks or does something to turn it into a fight and point the finger at me.

Im beginning to think I need to walk on eggshells in order to have a freakin sex life in my marriage. My husband is hot enough that I could simply just have sex with him... he is that good. 

So my taking away that "pressure" IF he is normal and not BPD, may work to the advantage of the marriage? That was worked in yours? Are there any related specifics about how to become physical again after the "pressure" is taken off? Who is the one that determined how long there was no sex before you had it again and how long a period of time without it? One last ?, did he actively court you prior to resuming sex? Does that mean I have to actively court bc Im the one who was "pressuring" or should allow him to take the lead... I would like him to take the lead and show me that he gives at least one sh!t about me! Thanks!


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## deejov

toolate said:


> I think you missed the ?... we arent having sex... we go 1 time per 2 weeks to 1 time per 2 months... once in the marriage (recently, and I mistook it for improvement) we had sex 4 times over a weekend... but then it stopped.
> 
> We dont fit into the category you described... I ask for it maybe 2-3 times a week, but he says no every time... we only have sex when he wants it which is outlined above... and I would consider that infrequency a low sex drive for a man.
> 
> My question was more about how wives who are approached alot more than they want would respond to their husbands saying to them "I know this is something that really bothers you (ie when I "nag" you for sex), so Im going to give you a gift, a gift of me not bringing up the sex..." Would you like that?


PUt it that way... it's like stopping an annoying habit. Listen to what your partner wants, and do it. So don't ask him for sex. Maybe it's important to him to do it. Maybe it will get better over time. 

On the other hand, like everyone says... if your needs in the relationship are not being met, shouldn't you both consider all the options? Are there any compromises? Like other forms of satisfaction that he could do?


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## toolate

Cherry said:


> I wish my H knew a happy medium when it comes to asking/nagging for sex. But at the same time I can see the dilemma he's in... I ask him to be touchy/feely in other non-sexual ways, because like your H, I feel like sometimes that's all he wants... But for my H, he has to stop being intimate in any touchy way, or else he get's turned on, which then creates the nagging for sex. It's a slippery slope in our home. For instance, we give goodnight hugs/kisses, next thing you know he's got a hard on, mind me it's just a kiss/hug. No touching. Now, it's 10 pm and he's horny. On one hand, I'm flattered, on the other I'm annoyed. Another example, we're sitting on the couch, he has his hand on my leg, he can't leave it there for any length of time without moving up my leg to my crotch. Is it something men (and women) can't control? I crave the intimate moments that do not lead to sex, really I do. I would love to just have a 5 minute kiss session and be able to lay there and cuddle and go to sleep, but I can't because now he's got a raging hard on that won't go away.



Great help! I guess my husband doesnt realize that the non-sexual touching turns me on so much bc he cant see the beacon calling, like you see your husbands I love to kiss and go to sleep, but my husband doesnt like to kiss when we get in bed bc he thinks Im trying to have sex with him, when sometimes Im not. Many times, I just want to kiss and embrace and go to sleep. So your husband may be able to just kiss you and go to sleep even though he has got that beacon!

Like your husband but to a more extreme extent, I feel like I need to not be in the house alot in order that I dont look at him or touch him and get turned on... like my getting turned on by him is a bad thing. He makes me feel like Im bad for being attracted to him. 

What would a happy medium look like to you? Prior to giving him this "gift" I was only initiating 2-3 times a week... if I left him alone, he would go months. I didnt think I was being unreasonable, but obviously it was too much for him.


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## deejov

ah, I have also just said flat out... I just want to give you kiss, and cuddle. I have a higher drive than my husband, but this helped a lot.
Just communicating that I just wanted intimacy. Simple.


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## Lon

toolate said:


> Im beginning to think I need to walk on eggshells in order to have a freakin sex life in my marriage. *My husband is hot enough that I could simply just have sex with him... he is that good*.


Toolate, have you ever told him that in those exact words? Reading your other thread, your H is definitely trying to get control of something here, either by witholding sex as a punishment (to you or him) or else there are other issues affecting his sex drive or general sexual health. For his benefit I hope he can learn that compartmentalizing sex like this is unhealthy for both of you... one thing I'm thinking might help is to do some "love language" questionaires, figure out what exactly he needs for affection (ie not necessarily the same as your needs or way of showing affection).


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## Cherry

toolate said:


> Like your husband but to a more extreme extent, I feel like I need to not be in the house alot in order that I dont look at him or touch him and get turned on... like my getting turned on by him is a bad thing. He makes me feel like Im bad for being attracted to him.
> 
> What would a happy medium look like to you? Prior to giving him this "gift" I was only initiating 2-3 times a week... if I left him alone, he would go months. I didnt think I was being unreasonable, but obviously it was too much for him.


It took me a few years to actually appreciate his sex drive for me, it was way more annoying at one point. He's actually toned it down and certainly 2 to 3 times a week isn't the way he was, it was more like 24/7 for a while. 2-3 is a happy medium for me. I do think I could go for months still, but I also understand the need for that bonding moment. But no, personally, I don't think 2 - 3 times/week is too much. 

I think it's awesome that you are so attracted to your H! I'm sure you wish he'd think that too. I hope you can resolve this


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## Enchantment

toolate said:


> Since you are the only one who answered as having been the low drive wife... you were going to leave the marriage bc your husband "pressured" and "groped"? My husband syas he loves sex but bc I bring it up so much he is turned off. I say to him, well, I only bring up when we arent having it. he has no answer after that and thats usually when he mocks or does something to turn it into a fight and point the finger at me.
> 
> Im beginning to think I need to walk on eggshells in order to have a freakin sex life in my marriage. My husband is hot enough that I could simply just have sex with him... he is that good.
> 
> So my taking away that "pressure" IF he is normal and not BPD, may work to the advantage of the marriage? That was worked in yours? Are there any related specifics about how to become physical again after the "pressure" is taken off? Who is the one that determined how long there was no sex before you had it again and how long a period of time without it? One last ?, did he actively court you prior to resuming sex? Does that mean I have to actively court bc Im the one who was "pressuring" or should allow him to take the lead... I would like him to take the lead and show me that he gives at least one sh!t about me! Thanks!


Ah... it was much more than 'groping' and 'pressure'. Those were the outward things that showed up, but underneath it was him having a general lack of respect and understanding and unwillingness to 'hear me out' and do anything about it. Even though I had sex with him as much as he wanted, he would brush off my concerns as unimportant. After a talk, he would be 'good' for a few days, then go back to ignoring me and sticking his nose into his sports on TV and pursuing his intramurals and weightlifting and then start the groping all over again.

Yah... after one Christmas where I told him I was going home to visit my family on my own and when I came back I was looking for my own place he woke up. He KNEW why. It wasn't like the issues didn't come up often enough. He just hadn't cared enough to try and do anything until that point. At the turning point, he did exactly what is in MEM's thermostat thread. He quit the groping cold turkey - asked me how and when I wanted to be touched and actually WORKED to do it. He dropped some of his intramurals, took me to others with him, made an effort for us to go out and have fun together - and not just doing things that he always wanted to do. I didn't make an ultimatum to play any sort of game - I did it to save myself - to save my self-respect and self worth.

We never did go sexless, though. I had it in my mind that for me to be a 'good' wife I should continue to try and do what he needed even if I wasn't happy, so it took some amount of effort for me to even understand our dynamic was unhealthy and try and change it by changing me. It took us about a year of focused work after the ultimatum, and then we were closer than ever. We aren't perfect by any stretch, but we have both come a long way since then (this was all like 20 years ago now.) 

You and your husband have a very dysfunctional dynamic. Whether he has BPD or not, it can be very unhealthy for you to try and stay in this kind of situation if you get zero commitment on his part to be willing to meet you in the middle.

Best wishes.


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## sinnister

If I had a kissing session with my wife for 5 minutes I'd be bustin to go.

For the life of me I can't see the positive effect this would have on a woman. That he love you enough to kiss you passionately and not want sex? How is that a good thing?

As you can see...I'm lost.


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## Cherry

sinnister said:


> If I had a kissing session with my wife for 5 minutes I'd be bustin to go.
> 
> For the life of me I can't see the positive effect this would have on a woman. That he love you enough to kiss you passionately and not want sex? How is that a good thing?
> 
> As you can see...I'm lost.


I'm guessing you think of it as cruel and unusual punishment? I never said it was a good thing for him, but for me it helps to show me that he doesn't have to bang me every time we're naked and intimate, and that we can be intimate without actual penetration, which is important to me, much like actual penetration is important to him. I don't know if that makes sense. But here's a scenario for you: If I had a female dr appt coming up and I can't have sex 24 hours prior or 24 hours after, that puts me out of commission for say roughly 3 days. Mind me, I'm dreading the appt, and I just don't have it in me to be any kind of sexual for a few days, it's simply not there... Instead I just want to feel loved at that moment and a long kiss/holding/hugging can do that.


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## toolate

sinnister said:


> If I had a kissing session with my wife for 5 minutes I'd be bustin to go.
> 
> For the life of me I can't see the positive effect this would have on a woman. That he love you enough to kiss you passionately and not want sex? How is that a good thing?
> 
> As you can see...I'm lost.


No, you are just a guy... I wish my guy was like that too.


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## okeydokie

the kissing session without sex is you wanting to feel validated as a partner not just a sex toy. i get that. i think alot of guys feel like that validation point comes when the committment to marry and spend the rest of our lives with one woman occurs.


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## Chuckp47

I did this after the last time the W and I had sex and then I tried again a few days later. I told her that I would never again ask, beg, plead for sex. Gave her exactly what she wanted. It's now been 3 months and she is happy as a lark. I however am miserable and divorce is a very real possibility. Don't give him what he wants for the sake of giving up on what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

toolate,
does your husband meet your needs in other ways?


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## toolate

deejov said:


> toolate,
> does your husband meet your needs in other ways?


Personal needs, no. If Im crying bc our marriage is in such trouble, he tells me Im psycho and having a meltdown. 

He pays for many house bills, I pay for water, newspaper and all groceries and decorations for the home. Our $ is 100% separate from his end, I combined all of my $ into our home and wedding... its all there. So Ilive off an exact amount every month which is not enough bc I also pay for the kids things... activities, clothes etc.

So no. If I die first, he will finally pay for a small % of the things he should have all along.... I dont know one stay at home wife is told this is it... if you go over, its on you but you have no $ to cover it bc you dont work to bring in any $. This money is not from my husband btw, its from my ex. My ex provides for more needs than my current... irony.


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## toolate

Chuckp47 said:


> I did this after the last time the W and I had sex and then I tried again a few days later. I told her that I would never again ask, beg, plead for sex. Gave her exactly what she wanted. It's now been 3 months and she is happy as a lark. I however am miserable and divorce is a very real possibility. Don't give him what he wants for the sake of giving up on what you need.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry about your 3 month drought...Thats what I FEAR the most will happen as it has happened before. SO, to combat this we are putting together a list of things we are going to do while we arent having sex. he seems so convinced that it will bring us closer, then lets do it, prove it! Game on! Im looking forward to spending quality time golfing, jeeping, walking together, going to an actual movie together, dining out etc.... it will be like dating all over again and without hopping into bed on the second date. Maybe this will workray:ray:ray:ray:ray:


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## PM1

I feel for you. My wife is receptive to sex but rarely initiated. As a man, I do not want a wife who just "meets my needs" but hope to have a willing partner. Nothing drains the pleasure more than the thought of her possibly just doing what she sees as her duty. After a few talks, she is doing better at initiation once in a while. I think it is partly just her communication style. But at least I don't feel like I'm imposing on her.

Even so, I think any husband should be flattered by what you wrote about yours. You are so attracted to him that you want sex frequently? That is awesome. Good luck with communication, that seems to be the hard part, but don't forget your needs as you accomodate his. 

Reading all of these it almost seems like one could swap partners from one situation to the other and group people with equivalent drives and solve the problem. :scratchhead: I know it doesn't work that way, but its amazing how mismatched couples can be in this area.


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## Runs like Dog

If you want him to stop bothering you just say no for 5 straight years. He'll figure it out. If that doesn't work just punch him in the face.


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## deejov

toolate said:


> Personal needs, no. If Im crying bc our marriage is in such trouble, he tells me Im psycho and having a meltdown.
> 
> He pays for many house bills, I pay for water, newspaper and all groceries and decorations for the home. Our $ is 100% separate from his end, I combined all of my $ into our home and wedding... its all there. So Ilive off an exact amount every month which is not enough bc I also pay for the kids things... activities, clothes etc.
> 
> So no. If I die first, he will finally pay for a small % of the things he should have all along.... I dont know one stay at home wife is told this is it... if you go over, its on you but you have no $ to cover it bc you dont work to bring in any $. This money is not from my husband btw, its from my ex. My ex provides for more needs than my current... irony.


I was asking about sexual needs. If I got this right... you are not really able to do non sexual touching, it gets your switch turned on. He's not that interested in "intercourse" that often.
So does he please you sexually in other ways? Or does it really have to be SEX 3 times a week for you? Just wondering, didn't see that mentioned anywhere.


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## charlene

Cherry said:


> I wish my H knew a happy medium when it comes to asking/nagging for sex. But at the same time I can see the dilemma he's in... I ask him to be touchy/feely in other non-sexual ways, because like your H, I feel like sometimes that's all he wants... But for my H, he has to stop being intimate in any touchy way, or else he get's turned on, which then creates the nagging for sex. It's a slippery slope in our home. For instance, we give goodnight hugs/kisses, next thing you know he's got a hard on, mind me it's just a kiss/hug. No touching. Now, it's 10 pm and he's horny. On one hand, I'm flattered, on the other I'm annoyed. Another example, we're sitting on the couch, he has his hand on my leg, he can't leave it there for any length of time without moving up my leg to my crotch. Is it something men (and women) can't control? I crave the intimate moments that do not lead to sex, really I do. I would love to just have a 5 minute kiss session and be able to lay there and cuddle and go to sleep, but I can't because now he's got a raging hard on that won't go away.


haha i really enjoyed the exapmles , and i'm not exaggerating when i say i feel THE SAME way in our house too.... Please tell me what you do or how doesn't that become a big fight?
P.S. : I also think 2-3times a week is ok


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## aston

sex really shouldn't be complicated in a marriage.....really.


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## gonefishin

TooLate

I hear you! I have the same problem with my wife. I am the nag, I am the initiator. How could she be a nag if she never initiates?

I told her once that I was sick of looking like the nag. I told her if I did nothing we would not have a sex life. I also threatened to stop trying and she started getting upset.

My wife teases me that I have the libido of a 20 something. My resonse is "I would rather have the libido of a 20 something vs having no libido."

There is only one happy medium. Both spouses must be willing to initiate. It is that simple. I do not even think its is about having sex every night. 

I bet anyone reading this post that has this problem with thier spouse will say that; either the wife or husband is not initiating. They are being lazy, and they are taking their spouse for granted.

Agree or disagree?


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## Trying2figureitout

gonefishin said:


> TooLate
> 
> I hear you! I have the same problem with my wife. I am the nag, I am the initiator. How could she be a nag if she never initiates?
> 
> I told her once that I was sick of looking like the nag. I told her if I did nothing we would not have a sex life. I also threatened to stop trying and she started getting upset.
> 
> My wife teases me that I have the libido of a 20 something. My resonse is "I would rather have the libido of a 20 something vs having no libido."
> 
> There is only one happy medium. Both spouses must be willing to initiate. It is that simple. I do not even think its is about having sex every night.
> 
> I bet anyone reading this post that has this problem with thier spouse will say that; either the wife or husband is not initiating. They are being lazy, and they are taking their spouse for granted.
> 
> Agree or disagree?


Disagree...its not up to the wife to initiate.

It is however up to the wife to be receptive... 

thats my issue.

If you get to the point where you rock her world then her initiating is more probable but not required IMO


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## gonefishin

TooLate

This sounds like an odd set up financially. Do you both own the home together?

My wife is for the most part a stay at home mom. I give her a budget every week. However, if something comes up, I know I will have to pull out the wallet.

She has a budget, only because everyone needs a budget. If we did not we would all look the Federal Government.


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## gonefishin

Tryingtofigureitout

Are you husband or wife?

Sounds like an old fashion attitude. Interesting. I do not agree with you but I understand.


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## SimplyAmorous

> I wish my H knew a happy medium when it comes to asking/nagging for sex. But at the same time I can see the dilemma he's in... I ask him to be touchy/feely in other non-sexual ways, because like your H, I feel like sometimes that's all he wants... But for my H, he has to stop being intimate in any touchy way, or else he get's turned on, which then creates the nagging for sex. It's a slippery slope in our home. For instance, we give goodnight hugs/kisses, next thing you know he's got a hard on, mind me it's just a kiss/hug. No touching. Now, it's 10 pm and he's horny. On one hand, I'm flattered, on the other I'm annoyed. Another example, we're sitting on the couch, he has his hand on my leg, he can't leave it there for any length of time without moving up my leg to my crotch. Is it something men (and women) can't control? I crave the intimate moments that do not lead to sex, really I do. I would love to just have a 5 minute kiss session and be able to lay there and cuddle and go to sleep, but I can't because now he's got a raging hard on that won't go away.


 When I read stuff like this, I find myself ENVIOUS .....and so very very very very mad at myself for NOT being there for my own husband the way you ladies are ABLE to in his youth. I was too sexually repressed to take advantage of all those lovely luscious beautiful hard ons. While my husband suffered in silence. This is no better than nagging, believe me. I only wish my husband would have nagged me, maybe I would have gotten over some of my hang ups quicker in our marraige, I don't know. All water under the bridge now. 

And No, the man can not help it --he simply can not. When my sex drive went through the roof, which yours may do someday when HE is slowing down (this is a cruel Joke God plays on us)...
... 
My hands & my mouth to his private parts was like a powerful magnet to steel, it didn't matter where we was, I wanted to touch him, take his clothes off and feel him wrapped around me and IN me. Equivalent to your husbands Hards on's I was WET like 24/7 , it was near insane and it affected my head terribly , I couldn't shut it off. I was drawn to want what I wanted , the power of a sex drive is not understood by many spouses, it is near PAINFUL to not have it relieved and if we want that connection with our spouses, even more so -when rejected. I would get very very emotional if I even felt my husband didn't "want" me. 

My husband did anything & everything to take care of my needs, so for that I have the uptmost LOVE for him and I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of a Lover who cares for your needs 100% , and I have cried tears for NOT being that for him when he was younger and feeling it the way --- your husbands are. 

So just some insight from an older lady who missed her time with her husband in his youth....

If I had a time machine, the #1 thing I would go back for is my husband feeling like yours is --right now. 

You are blessed.


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## Tall Average Guy

SimplyAmorous said:


> When I read stuff like this, I find myself ENVIOUS .....and so very very very very mad at myself for NOT being there for my own husband the way you ladies are ABLE to in his youth. I was too sexually repressed to take advantage of all those lovely luscious beautiful hard ons. While my husband suffered in silence. This is no better than nagging, believe me. I only wish my husband would have nagged me, maybe I would have gotten over some of my hang ups quicker in our marraige, I don't know. All water under the bridge now.
> 
> And No, the man can not help it --he simply can not. When my sex drive went through the roof, which yours may do someday when HE is slowing down (this is a cruel Joke God plays on us)...
> ...
> My hands & my mouth to his private parts was like a powerful magnet to steel, it didn't matter where we was, I wanted to touch him, take his clothes off and feel him wrapped around me and IN me. Equivalent to your husbands Hards on's I was WET like 24/7 , it was near insane and it affected my head terribly , I couldn't shut it off. I was drawn to want what I wanted , the power of a sex drive is not understood by many spouses, it is near PAINFUL to not have it relieved and if we want that connection with our spouses, even more so -when rejected. I would get very very emotional if I even felt my husband didn't "want" me.
> 
> My husband did anything & everything to take care of my needs, so for that I have the uptmost LOVE for him and I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of a Lover who cares for your needs 100% , and I have cried tears for NOT being that for him when he was younger and feeling it the way --- your husbands are.
> 
> So just some insight from an older lady who missed her time with her husband in his youth....
> 
> If I had a time machine, the #1 thing I would go back for is my husband feeling like yours is --right now.
> 
> You are blessed.


To add on to what SA posted, women need to remember that for most men, we can't control that feeling and we can't control the physical evidence of that feeling. It has a mind of its own, especially when men are younger. We can't control it, it gets hard at the worst possible times, despite our best efforts to control it (I still get embarassed thinking about my physical reaction in 6th period science sitting next to the cute girl I had the crush on in 10th grade). So when your husband gets hard when kissing and cuddling, or when his hands seem to roam on their own, its not completely his fault. It's the chemicals from kissing you that is starting the sexual engine. He can't stop it, he can't even contain it. It just happens.


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## ladybird

I stopped nagging my h about sex, guess what, it still never happens.

I would have been happy with once a week or every other week. 

Doesn't really matter now, My drive is gone and has been for a little while.


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## Trying2figureitout

gonefishin said:


> Tryingtofigureitout
> 
> Are you husband or wife?
> 
> Sounds like an old fashion attitude. Interesting. I do not agree with you but I understand.


I'm a husband and yes I'm old school in ways. Part of my upbringing back when marriages meant something.

When you think of it the males should always be the initiator and the female receptive to a chosen mate. Look at nature.

It's unnatural for most females to initiate... that is not their evolutionary role. Females are the gatekeepers not the battering rams trying to bust down that gate. To infiltrate the castle.

Don't get me wrong I'd LOVE my wife to initiate... I think she did it twice in 20+ years. But I'll never fault her for not doing it more. I do have issue when I get rejected so much though she needs to be much more receptive.


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## FirstYearDown

This whole thread makes me want to cry.  Sexless marriages are so tragic. People are missing so much pleasure and bonding.

"_When you think of it the males should always be the initiator and the female receptive to a chosen mate. Look at nature.

It's unnatural for most females to initiate... that is not their evolutionary role. Females are the gatekeepers not the battering rams trying to bust down that gate. To infiltrate the castle_" 



Well, it's official. I am a freak of nature.


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## Runs like Dog

No is the new Yes. And in a weird way it's liberating. Since we will never.....I no longer waste time and energy worrying about it. And trust me, if you wait long enough, you no longer feel anything.


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## Trying2figureitout

Runs like Dog said:


> No is the new Yes. And in a weird way it's liberating. Since we will never.....I no longer waste time and energy worrying about it. And trust me, if you wait long enough, you no longer feel anything.


That is so sad. Glad I'm not there yet!


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## Runs like Dog

No, it used to be sad. Now it's just normal. If I was Jake in "The Sun Also Rises" or Ron Kovic in "Born on the Fourth of July" then that's the way it would be because impossible is impossible. This is like that.


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## Darkhorse

I initiate too. lol. But not often. He doesn't initiate often either. We just snuggle together at night  Then it's on...


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## Tall Average Guy

Darkhorse said:


> I initiate too. lol. But not often. He doesn't initiate often either. We just snuggle together at night  Then it's on...


Interesting, becuase I have learned that my wife initiates much more than I used to realize. She just does so in a different way than I do. Certain touches or reactions tell me she is interested. My problem was not recognizing them. Now that I do, well :smthumbup:


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## HelloooNurse

I would be very relieved if this occurred. However I am aware that most people have sexual needs, and so I would have to work some sort of alternative into the equation for him. I wouldn't just cut him off from sex forever. Whether it be an open relationship or if he got some sort of brothel allowance each week, something like that. 

We almost tried this before but in the end he wussed out because he realised he wouldn't be having sex with me again.. ever under this arrangement. I said to him "I thought that was the whole POINT of it?". I guess he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Not in this house.


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## HelloooNurse

Oh, and I also believe that it doesn't matter who initiates the sex.. as long as you get there in the end. If you want sex, you have to ask for it, otherwise you get none. It's as simple as that. Not hard to comprehend at all.


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## chillymorn

HelloooNurse said:


> Oh, and I also believe that it doesn't matter who initiates the sex.. as long as you get there in the end. If you want sex, you have to ask for it, otherwise you get none. It's as simple as that. Not hard to comprehend at all.


feel sorry for your husband.

with an attitude like that I din't know how he maintains an erection to have sex with you.


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## husband1987

I also stopped bringing up the topic with my wife. She said if I did then she might be more inclined to do it. No, she is perfectly happy not hearing about the issue, and passion is long gone. Only took about 1 month of marriage. A year later I'm barely allowed to see her naked, then a peck before she is asleep, but she loves head massages.


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## Trickster

For the first time in 18 years I said no to sex... I have always been the one to initiate sex and I know she NEVER really enjoyed it. I feel she was annoyed by sex and she just wanted to hurry and get it over with. So I got tired of being on the "needy" end of wanting sex and I said no last night. I'll probably say no again tonight. I want her to REALLY want me. Yes... I may be playing a game here, but there has been SOOO many nights when I have gone to bed feelin so rejected , unattractive, unloved, and unwanted.


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## Dexter Morgan

Alot of people would use their spouse asking them to quit nagging about sex as an excuse to go out and cheat. No, not condoning that and would chastise anyone that would.

I was in this very situation. I didn't nag for sex, but tried to initiate it all the time early in my marriage.

So after all the rejections, I got tired of trying, told her I won't be initiating it anymore, and stopped.

Then guess what, she started feeling undesired, but instead of initiating sex with me, she goes out and cheats.

Then the marriage was over.

So for those wishing their spouse would stop trying for sex, be careful what you wish for.

But the question is, why don't you want to have sex with your spouse? And why would you expect your spouse to put up with a sexless marriage?


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## FirstYearDown

Dex, would you agree that it is possible to understand cheating, while not condoning it?

I understand why a spouse in a sexless marriage would cheat. However, I also agree that infidelity should never occur in a marriage.


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## sinnister

> But the question is, why don't you want to have sex with your spouse? *And why would you expect your spouse to put up with a sexless marriage? *


This is a very important point.


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## Dexter Morgan

FirstYearDown said:


> Dex, would you agree that it is possible to understand cheating, while not condoning it?


Understanding it may be the wrong word. Maybe knowing the excuses people make.

But I did say 



> So for those wishing their spouse would stop trying for sex, be careful what you wish for.


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## Dexter Morgan

sinnister said:


> This is a very important point.


I think so to.

But for those that may misunderstand that point, it was not made saying that if someone doesn't expect their spouse to put up with a sexless marriage, I mean talking about the problem and getting out of the marriage if things don't improve, not cheating.


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## DTO

gonefishin said:


> I told her once that I was sick of looking like the nag. I told her if I did nothing we would not have a sex life. I also threatened to stop trying and she started getting upset...
> 
> Agree or disagree?


Your first paragraph above introduces a new dynamic to this topic. Your wife does not want you to stop seeing her as a sexual being. She wants you to want her without her having to justify that wanting.

It's a control thing. As you noted, if you stop wanting her she gets concerned. She knows that she cannot have her cake and eat it too (you perpetually wanting her without her providing) so any sign that you are pulling away threatens her.

Let me guess... she will give in occasionally, right? Not too often, just good enough for you, then at some point afterwards (immediately after or later than that) it comes out that it was just for you, you want it too much, she is more in tune with what an appropriate marriage is?


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## DTO

Dexter Morgan said:


> Alot of people would use their spouse asking them to quit nagging about sex as an excuse to go out and cheat. No, not condoning that and would chastise anyone that would.
> 
> I was in this very situation. I didn't nag for sex, but tried to initiate it all the time early in my marriage.
> 
> So after all the rejections, I got tired of trying, told her I won't be initiating it anymore, and stopped.
> 
> Then guess what, she started feeling undesired, but instead of initiating sex with me, she goes out and cheats.
> 
> Then the marriage was over.
> 
> So for those wishing their spouse would stop trying for sex, be careful what you wish for.
> 
> But the question is, why don't you want to have sex with your spouse? And why would you expect your spouse to put up with a sexless marriage?


Sorry to hear that. Sounds like (similar to what I told another poster) like there was an element of control. She needed to feel like she had some power over you, so she kept you on the hook.

In addition, it sounded like her marriage to you was in the absence of sexual attraction (a HUGE problem). If she really wanted to have sex, she could have gone straight over to you. Instead, she (having a willing husband) chose to go through the effort of finding someone else to screw.

Glad you are out of there.


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## DTO

husband1987 said:


> I also stopped bringing up the topic with my wife. She said if I did then she might be more inclined to do it. No, she is perfectly happy not hearing about the issue, and passion is long gone. Only took about 1 month of marriage. A year later I'm barely allowed to see her naked, then a peck before she is asleep, but she loves head massages.


Dude, it doesn't get any better. Either push for change or get out now.


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## I Know

Dexter Morgan said:


> *But the question is, why don't you want to have sex with your spouse? And why would you expect your spouse to put up with a sexless marriage?*



This is just the most profound question/statement I have ever read on this site. I too simply do not understand. Why be married if you don't want to sex your spouse? 

Yeah yeah, intimacy, closeness, blah blah blah. I can get that from friends if I want. Sex can only come from the spouse. I would last less than 3 months in a sexless marriage.


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## Runs like Dog

I'd turn that on its head and suggest that men and women need to have that discussion before any long term relationship and lay out concretely whether they are interested in a completely sexless arrangement. Most relationships seem to head in that direction anyway. May as well get it out in the open up front. If I knew my wife was profoundly indifferent to sex unless it was to conceive it would have eliminated years of nonsense. I'm not even saying I wouldn't marry her, but it would have changed the balance of power.


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## HusbandOne

husband1987 said:


> I also stopped bringing up the topic with my wife. She said if I did then she might be more inclined to do it. No, she is perfectly happy not hearing about the issue, and passion is long gone. Only took about 1 month of marriage. A year later I'm barely allowed to see her naked, then a peck before she is asleep, but she loves head massages.


Wait! Are you not sleeping with MY wife? 

Shortly after I proposed, the frequency went WAY down. I think we have averaged 5-6 times a year over the last 20 years. Dry spells of 6-18 months more recently.


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## Anonymous07

zombie thread.


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## Spitfire

My wife rarely initiates sex. It got to the point where I felt like I was nagging her for sex too often to get it once per week. She would avoid me as bed time approached often saying she was going to the bathroom or putting on her pajamas. I'd assume she was coming back but she would go to bed. 

This weekend I proposed we try something I saw on a website. Monday-Wednesday will be my opportunity to initiate sex one time. Thursday-Saturday will be her opportunity to initiate sex one time. If able, we have to initiate during our time period. She thought it was a good idea.

We'll see how it works. At least it may put her at ease in the evenings and not feel like she's on the hot seat every evening.


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## Fozzy




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## skype

I vote for removing the "Similar Threads" link at the bottom of the page. Gets newbies every time.


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## Love Pandy

Omg! I absolutely hate when my husband gropes me and grabs his unmentionables! Ugh! I think the problem with asking and groping is that it completely takes the romance out of the equation! I honestly loved when my husband stopped nagging me for the cookies....it gave us time to make it happen more naturally! I find myself being turned-on by some of the simple things he does....the sex may not be as frequent but it's a whole lot better!


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## J.deere

I was like you only from a guys perspective. It caused problems. I've learned to cool it and stop pressuring and it worked. So, perhaps just cool your jets , masterbate, and see what happens. Take the pressure off him. As I guy that loves it I would be a good match with you lol. But it is common to see couples with different drives. But asking all the time only works against you.


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## FrustratedHub

sinnister said:


> If I had a kissing session with my wife for 5 minutes I'd be bustin to go.
> 
> For the life of me I can't see the positive effect this would have on a woman. That he love you enough to kiss you passionately and not want sex? How is that a good thing?
> 
> As you can see...I'm lost.


I feel the same exact way! I'm sorry, but you are asking for too much here. If you want passionate kissing, why on earth wouldn't you want the great sexual intimacy that will come from it?

Edit- I see you responded directly later in the thread. I get what you are saying, and it's obviously your right to feel however you want, I would just say that I think it's unreasonable and almost cruel to expect a man to engage in heavy kissing and petting and that's it. Just my humble opinion 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74

Love Pandy said:


> Omg! I absolutely hate when my husband gropes me and grabs his unmentionables! Ugh! I think the problem with asking and groping is that it completely takes the romance out of the equation! I honestly loved when my husband stopped nagging me for the cookies....it gave us time to make it happen more naturally! I find myself being turned-on by some of the simple things he does....the sex may not be as frequent but it's a whole lot better!


Really?. I love it when i am washing up and my husband comes up behind me and grabs my boobs:grin2:... I turn round snog him and then cuddle him, I do not mind a grope, and i often return the favour sometimes when hes randomly doing something:thumbup:... Neither of us ask tho, We both just do it lol.


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## MountainRunner

melw74 said:


> Really?. I love it when i am washing up and my husband comes up behind me and grabs my boobs:grin2:... I turn round snog him and then cuddle him, I do not mind a grope, and i often return the favour sometimes when hes randomly doing something:thumbup:... Neither of us ask tho, We both just do it lol.


Love this...My wife is the same as I can't help myself from "copping a cheap feel" whenever I'm close to her. >


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## melw74

MountainRunner said:


> Love this...My wife is the same as I can't help myself from "copping a cheap feel" whenever I'm close to her. >


Me toooo so glad i am not the only one thought it maybe just me:grin2:.


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## Woodchuck

This is the old HD/LD discussion....There is no answer...

I once worked 2nd shift for 7 years...I got home at midnight, we MIGHT have sex that night. I woke up at 8:00-9:00. The kids had already gone to school. This gave us 4-5 hours to have sex....we had hours of sex 5 days a week. and quickies on the week end...

This was 5 years in to our marriage. We did not get out much...For many of you this would be a nightmare, for some, grounds for divorce...For us it was perfect....At almost 70, sex 3 times a week would be great, but it is more like every other week....Married 50 years next Feb. 2....Groundhog day....This Woodchuck...


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