# WS needing help



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

I have been reading posts on TAM for about 2 months now. I am the WS. I cheated on my husband. We have been together for almost 24 years, married for 8. We have 3 children ages 16, 9 and 2. We had some rough years in our relationship- some worse than others. After my husband was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2009, his attitude towards me changed. He was bitter, angry and physically and emotionally abusive to me. Never to our children. I am a survivor of CSA that I didn’t even remember until my husband found out that I had been texting another man. When I was confronted and made to leave our house and stay in a hotel, all the memories of my abuse came crashing down on me. I should have gotten help then, but I did not. I ended the EA with the OM and my husband and I decided that we needed to work on our family as a whole, not separate. My husband said that he forgave me although he didn’t. He was still so angry with me for my deceit, justifiably, and we haven’t been truthful with each other since. A while later (unsure of exact time frame) the OM contacted me again and I, having very low self esteem and feeling as though I was in a loveless marriage, made the worst mistake of my life and cheated on my husband - a SA was started. I have no justification for my actions and the background is just that - not excuses at all. 
I knew it was wrong and wanted so desperately to wake up from the bad dream I had allowed to happen. OM tried to keep me under his control after I told him that we were wrong and the affair needed to stop. He threatened to tell my husband the truth, he threatened suicide, he would use anything he could to try to keep me around. I was miserable and I took it out on my husband and kids. I yelled at everyone and was in a bad mood all the time. 
The SA ended. I would not continue to do wrong. I get pregnant in 2014 with my husbands child. I had no doubts that the child was my husbands. The SA ended months prior to becoming pregnant. OM again threatened to tell my husband about the affair and insisted that I have a paternity test done to prove to him that the child wasn’t his. The last time I saw the OM was when I met him for the paternity test in 2015. Of course, it came back that the child is not his. I thought I could keep everything a secret from my husband and that he would never find out. WRONG!!!
He found out on March 12, 2018. 
I have never seen so much pain in anyone’s eyes. I am so sad and shameful for my actions. I am more remorseful than my husband knows. We are attempting reconciliation at this time and I pray that we can make it work. We are getting IC at this time and hope to start MC soon. 
We had taken each other for granted for so long that we were like roommates instead of partners. After Dday, there have been so many emotions. Hurt, pain, fear, shame, sense of loss, depression, crying, loss of self esteem, etc...
We have also had a lot of love, tears of joy, passion, desire, soul touching talks and emails. There is so much love in our relationship and we are working very hard to be who the other one needs/wants. I hate saying this because it sounds horrible, but we have both said that something good has come out the affair. Our renewed sense of love for each other. 
There are bad days where he is so hurt that he can’t function. There are days where we are so in love that it makes me want to cry happy tears. We are dedicated to each other and are both making tremendous strides and improvements in our lives together. 
I am posting this to seek information because we are so connected that when he has a bad day, I do too. He needs me to stay positive and hold him when he is feeling bad but seeing him hurt so badly makes me sad as well. 
Neither of us is perfect and we have both made mistakes in our past. My ‘mistake’ , a word my husband hates - says it was a decision I made, not a mistake - could mean the end of our marriage if he can’t forgive me. I know that He wants to forgive me. I know that he loves me and I love him. We are better together than apart. 
I hate myself for ever letting another man in my life and I would give anything to go back in time and talk to my husband about our problems and work them out together instead of being a cheater and a liar. 
I need advise on how to keep my emotions in check when he hurts so much. My heart breaks for his already broken heart. 
He is my everything and I want to help him heal. 
Sorry this post is so long. I could have included more - lots more. I have tried to condense my story so others won’t lose interest. Thanks to all in advance.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

i wish you and your husband the best of luck. Healing will be difficult and take time, but it can be done.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

I can't imagine the pain you both are in, but I genuinely hope you both find the healing and reconciliation you seek. 

My only thought is that perhaps you can pick up a new hobby or an outlet that you can pour your emotions into. Whether it's art, dancing, baking, cooking, sewing, etc, anything that is hands-on and can be cathartic. It'll help you channel your feelings and perhaps stabilize them in a productive way. It'll also prevent any overflow or cross-over emotions that could hinder your and his healing process. 

If you're both determined and truly feel your partnership and love outweigh the pain, then you'll get through this. It'll hurt and there will be lasting scars for both of you, but I wish you luck and happiness.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Have you both sought professional individual and marital counseling and therapy?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

As a fellow abuse survivor, I know how hard that is. There's a lot in your post that makes me sympathize with both you and your husband.

However, you asked for affair help, so I'll stay in that lane.

You must know that your choice to cheat was wrong and that no set of circumstances justifies or excuses it.

I would focus 100% on YOUR side of the street and YOUR changes. I also recommend reading Linda McDonalds book, How to Help Uour Spouse Heal from an Affair.

You'll get some harsh posts, but hang in there. They are good insight into your pain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM, @AnsleyW.

It will be difficult for you.

Your husband doesn't like the word 'mistake'? Well, in this context I can see why. Maybe a "wrong" rather than a "mistake" might work better, here?

Has your husband had counselling for his MS? You know that it's likely he thinks his having MS is why you cheated on him?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

AnsleyW said:


> My ‘mistake’ , a word my husband hates - says it was a decision I made, not a mistake - could mean the end of our marriage if he can’t forgive me. I know that He wants to forgive me. I know that he loves me and I love him.


I have a suggestion to offer. I think I understand the context under which you call your affair a "mistake". In a certain way, I agree, because we are fallible humans who, from time to time, do things which are not within our basic character description.

But there is an aspect of "mistake" which carries a connotation that it is an act not done of one's will. It's not possible to be forgiven for something we don't control.....neither is it necessary. It indicates a "no fault".

So, I think I also understand why your husband hates the word when applied to your affair. To him, as it would to me, it basically means you are not seeking his forgiveness, because the word indicates that you don't "own" the action.

I know this is somewhat a semantics issue, and I believe you have the right "spirit" which will work toward healing and restoration of your marriage. Please take this for "what it's worth". If it were me listening, I would have the take away as I described.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@AnsleyW, 

If you really want to work at this and you really want help, I am more than happy to help you however I can. I've been in your shoes, in that I had an online affair and my Dear Hubby and I were able to not only reconcile, but also build a whole new, much stronger marriage. We were ecstatically happy for at least a decade before he passed away. So I am living proof that it can be done! 

But I'm going to warn you about a few things. 

1) You have walked directly into the Lion's Den by coming here and speaking out loud. I guarantee you are going to get some bashing here, so brace yourself now and bear in mind that the majority who respond are in your husband's shoes (betrayed) and had spouses who not only didn't repent but stood behind their stupid actions! Take it with a grain of salt, okay? 

2) You do need to stop talking about your affair and thinking about your affair like it was "a mistake." A mistake is when you don't know any better and you do something goofy or a miscalculation--like grabbing salt instead of sugar. It's not as if you slipped in the kitchen and landed on OM's penis--you made choices all along the way to justify this. They were deliberate. Now, I get it...you crossed the line just a little...then just a little more...and just a little more... and it FELT LIKE suddenly you were a mile away. But in real life, every time you crossed a little line, you could have chosen to stop and control yourself and protect your marriage, and you didn't. "Hmmm...OM and feeling fluttery or Hubby and feeling gutted--I pick OM" So stop calling it a mistake. It really was a choice. Accept personal responsibility for what you chose. 

3) You and I may feel sick at what we've done, and we may wish that our spouse would stop asking us details so we wouldn't have to look at ourselves in the mirror, but I want to explain to you why they do that. It's like a puzzle. We have all the pieces of the puzzle, and we know that if we put all the pieces together, the picture of us that it shows is pretty darn ugly! We don't want to see that, and we sure don't want them to see how ugly we are! But our spouses do not have all the pieces. We kept some of the worst pieces back. We kept the ugliest pieces hoping they wouldn't make us look at it...but they don't see the whole picture! They see clouds over here...and some dark over there...but they can't tell if that's dirt or a hole or what that is! Soooo...they ask. They ask us for more pieces so they can see what they are really dealing with. They ask us what that image is so they can see it. It is our job to give them as full a picture as can be presented, as often as they need it, so that they can take a real look at the truth--as ugly as it may be--and then decide if they really want us anymore. It is their right to decide that. 

4) You asked how to control your emotions when you see him hurting so much. The first thing I'd ask is this: has HE asked you to "stay positive and hold him when he is feeling bad"? Or is that just what you assume he needs? I ask that because maybe you're thinking "I have to be strong" and that's not something he requires. Maybe he sees it differently. So before you assume that he needs you to be Miss Pollyanna Sunshine, ask him what he needs when he's having a bad day. 

Assuming that he says he really does need you to "stay positive and hold him when he is feeling bad" my guess is that he doesn't mean you have to smile and be cheerful. That would be a little weird. But what he probably means is that he needs YOU to put your own needs and sorrow aside, and concentrate on comforting him and recognizing him. See, often when someone is grieving they don't need fakeness, but they do need a loving presence. When my own Dear Hubby died, I personally mourned with people I trusted who sometimes teared up because I was hurting because they cared about me. But the focus of their tears was not "Wow I feel so bad seeing you crying" but rather "I'm here with you while you cry." See the difference?

Now, like you I've been in your shoes. I've been with people who are deeply sorrowing--and I mean soul-wrenching tears--and boy you are darn right! It makes me cry every time, because how could I watch someone I care about be that sad? Right? My job isn't to be an emotionless animatronic though. My job is to be there FOR THEM, and offer whatever they might need for comfort. Sometimes just sit silently and hand tissues. Sometimes, it's hugs. Sometimes it's holding hands and patting on the back. Sometimes let them talk and it may be a rant! Sometimes it's just getting it out there to someone. The point is, yep your tear falls as you hand tissues, but keep that focus on them and what they need. Train your mind to stay focused and when you find it wandering off onto yourself or your own feelings, then by golly put it back where it needs to be. It's like discipline--you just have to practice doing it and pretty soon it's natural. 

Your thoughts LEAD to your emotions, so discipline your thoughts, and it will help with the tidal wave of emotions. And if he says he needs you to stay positive, then I don't care how little it is, while he's mourning you say one positive thing out loud. Say one thing he did good...or one thing you liked...or one thing you look forward to...or one thing the two of you are doing together...or one thing you are practicing. ANYTHING that is hope for the marriage and for the future. And if he says he needs you to hold him, then by goodness you hold him. Hold him and let him wail. It is the least you can do--do what he asks for and needs. Just do it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@Affaircare : that was an awesome post. I regret that I have only one "like".


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

TJW said:


> @Affaircare : that was an awesome post. I regret that I have only one "like".


There you go


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Ansley, was the OM a trucker?


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> Ansley, was the OM a trucker?



Awe Kamstel!!!! Always one step ahead of me!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

When he finally tells you that he wants to divorce, do your best to keep it fair and amicable.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

It's a nice story.

But here's the rub.

You say you are so upset about the affair. But you didn't show any upset until you got caught. Your husband was thinking what a great loving wife you were. Not acting at all like a person who was so upset. Yet now you are.

It makes it look like you are upset because your husband is upset. Because of your lies and cheating. Because your marriage was good, even though you cheated, because your husband was in the dark. But not because you were upset about the affair.

Can you explain why you weren't so upset until you got caught?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You made a choice, not a mistake. Until you get that you won't be helping him really or yourself. That is the thing you need to change your mindset to be a good choice for a spouse. Love is about giving not what you get. The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to really work on you. Especially getting help for your CSA. 

Read

Not just friends
How to help your spouse heal from Infidelity.

Also I have deep respect for Aftercare and think she give great advice but I disagree with her here. 



> 1) You have walked directly into the Lion's Den by coming here and speaking out loud. I guarantee you are going to get some bashing here, so brace yourself now and bear in mind that the majority who respond are in your husband's shoes (betrayed) and had spouses who not only didn't repent but stood behind their stupid actions! Take it with a grain of salt, okay?


If you want your husband and you to get to the point where you are safe for him then I would pay attention to what these folks say. These folks are going to give the most accurate picture of where his mind will eventually be. There are folks on here like Aftercare who have truly changed you can read it in their posts. They have the respect of the posters who have been cheated on because when they post you can tell their thinking on these issue are correct. You can get there too but you have a great deal of work to do. Most of your problem has to do with the way you think. You just don't see that yet. 

The folks who have been cheated on should be a good barometer to you on if you are truly getting it to the point where your husband sees you are getting it. Yes they are going to be harsh but assuming they are not abusive they are going to be honest. You have cheated twice, you don't need advice like (you poor dear) you need (What the hell are you doing?!!) You need to be held accountable and you have not done a good job of that. This board can help you with that if you are willing to listen and change.

The only way through this to a better life with or without your husband is to really change the way you think and your reactions to thinks. That is going to take a lot of work to retrain your brain. This site can be a part of that if you let it.

Let me ask you a question to start. 

You say your husband would be abusive to you? Has that changed? If so when? If not how do you think that is going to change or does this affair just add more to that problem? I am really not for anyone staying in an abusive relationship even as penance. If he was abusing you that was also not a mistake.

One other thing, you want to be the one to heal his pain but frankly that is not your role. You are the cause of his pain he has to heal himself. What you can do is show him that you love him and have changed and are safe. I also think for a man feeling that he is desired helps. All of this comes with hard work to really change, and years of proving yourself as safe. Unfortunately after years of lies he would be foolish to believe you and it will not help him to feel safe to deny logic. That is the harsh truth of what you have done. Accept it and deal with the situation you both put yourself in, this is the new rules of the game now.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> It's a nice story.
> 
> But here's the rub.
> 
> ...


I was upset before being caught. I was carrying so much shame and guilt that I was angry and sad all the time. I took my emotions out on my family and co workers. I feel as though a weight was lifted off of me after the affair came to light. I had kept so much bottled up that I wasn’t the same person anymore. I was very upset - just not the way I am now after seeing the pain in my husbands eyes. I was relieved when he found out and wish I would have told the truth years ago. My marriage was not good when the affair was going on, even worse after the affair because of my guilt.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I'm sorry but from your post I don't see remorse. I see regret that you got caught and sadness of how that has effected you. It shouldn't be about you at this point if you want to save this.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

AnsleyW said:


> I was upset before being caught. I was carrying so much shame and guilt that I was angry and sad all the time. I took my emotions out on my family and co workers. I feel as though a weight was lifted off of me after the affair came to light. I had kept so much bottled up that I wasn’t the same person anymore. I was very upset - just not the way I am now after seeing the pain in my husbands eyes. I was relieved when he found out and wish I would have told the truth years ago. My marriage was not good when the affair was going on, even worse after the affair because of my guilt.


It is understandable that would have hidden your upset before being caught...I mean, you were trying to HIDE the affair, and emotions would have raised suspicion. This is simply common sense.

Now that it has come to light, however, the 100% focus should be on your husband, his pain, and actions you can take to help him to feel safe.

For now and for awhile, any problems or unhappiness before the affair need to take a back seat. That means they should not be used to qualify or mitigate anything regarding the affair or recovery.

Remorse is about HIM. How you feel, how his pain makes you feel, even your own guilt, should not be your focus. You focus is to be on A)taking full responsibility for all of your choices (starting with banishing the word mistake from your vocabulary) B) Taking regular and definitive ACTION to help your husband and C) Being 100% honest and transparent


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

FalCod said:


> i wish you and your husband the best of luck. Healing will be difficult and take time, but it can be done.


Thank you!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I have seen this list before and Googled it. It is a good place to start:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). 

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Ansley, you very well could have been upset and covered it and then you could show it when caught. But the problem is, how can one tell the difference? It is very convenient to say that you were extremely upset before you got caught. But maybe you weren't upset, maybe you were angry or sad because other man didn't turn out well, or any number of reasons why you were angry or sad. Which your husband didn't notice, he thought you and him were doing well. So that's the problem many betrayed spouses have.

As far as remorse, I don't want to pick up a dictionary. The word remorse used here is what I would consider to be "making amends." Making it right, to the extent you could. But you didn't come clean and be honest. Honesty is a basic foundation to making amends. You go to the perpetrator, offer a sincere apology, and try to do the things that will set it right, understanding that past actions can't be undone.

My younger sister went to Mass one Sunday night when she was 17. She came in the house way too early and she was extremely agitated. I could tell immediately. After a few minutes, she said she had a fender bender in the church parking lot. The other car's driver must have been in church. No one saw anything. My sister's car was not even damaged. Only the other car. My sister panicked and came home without leaving a note, but she felt guilty, and I went back with her to wait til Mass was over and tell the person whose car she hit. She didn't keep it secret to herself and hope no one would ever find out. 

When a cheater doesn't come clean voluntarily, what should a betrayed spouse assume? That the cheater is upset because of full of shame and guilt, or because the cheater is upset because of being caught? How can your husband tell the difference? Should he take you at your word?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You said that your husband was emotionally and physically abusive.

Can you elaborate?

Is he still physically abusive

I'm really surprised nobody has addresses this. 

Nothing trunps physical abuse.

Nothing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> I was upset before being caught. I was carrying so much shame and guilt that I was angry and sad all the time. I took my emotions out on my family and co workers. I feel as though a weight was lifted off of me after the affair came to light. I had kept so much bottled up that I wasn’t the same person anymore. I was very upset - just not the way I am now after seeing the pain in my husbands eyes. I was relieved when he found out and wish I would have told the truth years ago. My marriage was not good when the affair was going on, even worse after the affair because of my guilt.


All this may be true but honestly none of that matters. You may have been sad but every day you chose to lie to your husband and family, you chose yourself over them. Maybe for you it's good that the weight is lifted (not sure why though because him knowing doesn't really change what you did), but what you have done really is transferred that weight to him in the sense that his whole reality has been stolen from him. (That is still better then him not knowing.) I say this not to be cruel to you but you need to understand that infidelity is like rape, you took what he thought was his emotional and relational reality and ripped it away. And you did that without his consent. He feels right now, like he has no control over his own life, just like a rape victim feels like they have no control over their own body, especially if that life is tied to you. But even if he were to leave, he will now question if he is able to really predict what anyone will do to him because the person he trusted the most his primary relationship was with someone who was able to deceive him for a very long time. This will never go away completely and honestly even if you never cheated this is still a true fact of life. That doesn't change the fact that you were the one who taught him this lesson. 

This is very often why ending the relationship is a good choice because that is the only true way to feel like you get that control back. You are the cause of that uncertainty and you telling him that NOW you are being honest just holds no weight, remember you didn't just do this once but you saw the damage you did and did it again. Being with someone who you have no real idea is but you know is capable of deceiving you easily and who doesn't honor you enough not to is enough to drive anyone crazy. It's not a healthy dynamic. This needs to be one of your primary concerns, not sure how but if you have a chance you have to make this part much easier for him. And if he does choose to end it you should make that as painless as possible. That really may be the only way for him to truly heal. All of this shows why staying is such a gift. It means living with terrible uncertainty and I am not even talking about the emotional pain that just your presence triggers. 

I say that to say if you were to say to him what you wrote in the last paragraph about how sad you were and now feel a lot better, that isn't going to help him it may in fact make him resentful. You are relieved he found out? His response is you shouldn't have done it in the first place. I can see why you were relived but again this is at his expense. You need to get that. The whole things starts and ends with you decided to do something you had no right to do. When you made a vow to your husband you lost the right to give your body to another man, assuming monogamy was a part of the vow. One of your primary responsibilities was to protect him even from the worst of yourself. That is where you failed miserably in that task. You didn't make a mistake you failed him in your responsibly, you also failed your kids as your primary focus as a mother is to provide them with a safe home. They don't have that now, and they may never have it again. 

Again I know I am being rough but this goes to the idea that you fell regret but you need to feel remorse. To feel true remorse you have to understand the magnitude of what you have done. You have forever changed your husband and yourself. You will grow to see this unfortunately. But your life is not over, you can change, you can do your best whatever that is to be a better person. Even if you guys don't work out, you MUST still do this if you want the potential of a good marriage in your future. It's rare but some people do very bad things and change. Life does and should have forgiveness. But you have to earn that. That needs to be your Olympian type focus. I say Olympian because for you to be a healthy choice for him or anyone, it will require a whole new way of thinking and coping. You have to train your brain to work differently. That is a hard thing to do as you have life long established patterns. But you can and should do that. 

Here are some questions that may help to get you out of your own head. 

_Let me ask you from his point of view why should he stay with you?

What do you think he thinks of his marriage now?

Do you think he put in effort to it? 

If so what would you say he would say was his effort?

Do you think he would think it was worth it?

What do you think his choices are?

Do you think he loves you?

Do you think he thinks you love him?

Do you love him?

What do you think love is?

Are you sure you know?

If you think you love him how were you able to do this and still love him?

Does that match up with what you think love is?

What do you think he feels about your sexual life?

Does he think you were more happy to have sex with him or with your AP?

Do you think he thinks you are attracted to him?

Does he have a right to have a wife who is attracted to him?

That loves him enough to have a wife that only wants to have sex with him?

That is willing to give that part of herself to him and only to him?

Are you attracted to him?

What do you think other people think about him now that you have cheated on him, if they know or found out?

What do you think is the perception of men who get cheated on and stay, including people who are not nice?

What is his perception of himself if he stays?

What do you think he thinks of himself now period?

Is this the marriage he would have chosen?

If not why should he continue to choose it?

What did you think your marriage was going to be like when you got married?

On your wedding day if I could take the person who you are now and transport her there and have her tell you as a bride all that happened what would you say?

What would she say? 

What would he say?

How would you feel if you found out he had a secret relationship with someone for more then a year when he knew how much that hurt you, but he did it anyway for a second time? (really think about this?)

How would you feel if he said, well I am glad you found out because now I can stop feeling guilty about it? (hint you should feel damn guilty about it, why should you be relieved? The problem is not the fact that he didn't know it's in the fact that you did it. Telling him doesn't change that.)

Would you believe that he loves you if he did to you what you have done to him?_

You don't have to answer these questions here (though doing so will give us the ability to point out how your thinking is wrong) but you should at least think about them because they will help you really start to think about what you did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You said that your husband was emotionally and physically abusive.
> 
> Can you elaborate?
> 
> ...


I addressed it. It was my first group of questions to her. If he is physically violent with her she should divorce him immediately. But she still needs to work on her problems too.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> You said that your husband was emotionally and physically abusive.
> 
> Can you elaborate?
> 
> ...


This is true. If he is still in any was physically abusive, the answer is to leave. I know a lot of people try to give a guy a pass at punching his wife when she cheated.

Um.....no


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I addressed it. It was my first group of questions to her. If he is physically violent with her she should divorce him immediately. But she still needs to work on her problems too.


I missed that. 

Hopefully she'll provide more info.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

OP, I feel for you. My W was also the victim of CSA (3x), and most people don't know how much that messes with your head. She has been admitted to a mental hospital twice, and we monitor her daily to ensure all is OK.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

sokillme said:


> Also I have deep respect for Aftercare and think she give great advice but I disagree with her here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If you'd don't mind, @AnsleyW and @sokillme , I'd like to clarify on this. When I say "take it with a grain of salt" I don't mean to discount what the betrayed spouses say. In fact, you'll get the most accurate image of what your husband is going through if you listen with an open heart! 

Nope, what I meant was that you'll feel attacked. You'll feel like you are being 2x4'ed. You'll feel like "hey they don't understand" or like it's harsh. And I say "take it" with the understanding that it's coming from people who's spouses did to them what you did to your husband, and their spouses didn't regret it or repent so they had nowhere to go with their pain. 

I sincerely believe @sokillme is EXACTLY CORRECT when he says "Most of your problem has to do with the way you think" because right now, a lot of your thinking is decision-making based on feelings, and a lot of your thinking is actually 100% backwards. This is the work you'll have to do in order to really reconcile in your marriage...and that's IF (and that is a GIGANTIC "if") your spouse is a big, darn hero and chooses to rebuild a new marriage. 

In real life, you honestly don't need any more "oh poor you." There are plenty of victims out there in the world who will tell you that! What you honestly need is someone who respects you enough to say "Yeah I've been there and you need to snap the heck out of it! What in the world are you doing? Straighten up!" You need that friend who cares for you enough to tell you to your face that you need to stop, and who'll encourage you to do so! That's a REAL friend!

So note to self: some of these posts may be harsh and hurtful (so far, they've actually been pretty nice). If you get one of those, the way I see it is to remember the poster may well have been hurt by their own spouse AND THEN LOOK FOR THE KERNEL OF TRUTH. Even the ones that are really hurtful will hurt precisely because they pressed on a nerve. Take it like an adult and learn from it.

P.S. Sewkillmeeee.... my name is Affaircare, not "Aftercare" :wink2:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> If you'd don't mind, @AnsleyW and @sokillme , I'd like to clarify on this. When I say "take it with a grain of salt" I don't mean to discount what the betrayed spouses say. In fact, you'll get the most accurate image of what your husband is going through if you listen with an open heart!
> 
> Nope, what I meant was that you'll feel attacked. You'll feel like you are being 2x4'ed. You'll feel like "hey they don't understand" or like it's harsh. And I say "take it" with the understanding that it's coming from people who's spouses did to them what you did to your husband, and their spouses didn't regret it or repent so they had nowhere to go with their pain.
> 
> ...


You have been redeemed I don't think you deserve the word affair in your name. :smile2: All joking aside you know I can't read, have you seen how I write. > Really all joking aside I will try to remember that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> There are folks on here like Aftercare who have truly changed you can read it in their posts. They have the respect of the posters who have been cheated on because when they post you can tell their thinking on these issue are correct.


Yes, and there is a great deal to be gleaned by reading the posts of the WS who get "flamed" and disrespected by the BS replies. Even the BS who are still angry and vitriolic about their betrayal tend to remain a "lurker" when the folks like Affaircare post.

In the posts which get flamed, there is an almost-universal word which can either be read directly, or read "between the sentences".... *BUT*

example .... yes, I cheated..... *BUT*.... I wouldn't have if *HE/SHE*.....

We know...... we BS know, whenever there's a *BUT*...... we are being lied to....again.....because there is no way in hell their affair had anything to do with us. While it's true we could have contributed to problems WITHIN the marriage, we cannot possibly have any contribution to something OUTSIDE the marriage.

And, we also know.... that as long as the WS blames us for his/her adultery, there is no repentance. Any "sorry" we get, means only they are sorry they got caught....


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your husband is right. It wasn't a "mistake." It was a whole bunch of decisions. You made a decision to speak with the OM a second time after the first time things started moving in the wrong direction. You made a decision to flirt, meet or speak with him again and again. You made a decision to let him touch you, kiss you, take off your clothes, etc. Actually your adultery was the sum of 100 decisions at minimum.

If you get help for your CSA, and hone up your boundaries, self image and need for external validation issues, your husband might be able to forgive you for all those decisions.

Unless you deal with your "whys" you are a ripe candidate to make bad decisions like that again.

Communicate with your husband as you walk through your CSA recovery. If he has compassion, he will begin to realize how that might have impacted your perceptions, leaving you open to making such bad decisions.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

@Affaircare Straight outta "How to help your spouse heal for your Affair" BRAVO!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> You said that your husband was emotionally and physically abusive.
> 
> Can you elaborate?
> 
> ...


Divorce always trumps physical abuse.
Can't hit what's not there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TJW said:


> Yes, and there is a great deal to be gleaned by reading the posts of the WS who get "flamed" and disrespected by the BS replies. Even the BS who are still angry and vitriolic about their betrayal tend to remain a "lurker" when the folks like Affaircare post.
> 
> In the posts which get flamed, there is an almost-universal word which can either be read directly, or read "between the sentences".... *BUT*
> 
> ...


This is wise. 

OP the main thing that you need to remember is that infidelity is a form of abuse. There is not excuse for abuse ever. Abuse is just wrong. If you really get that, that will be a good place to start. Then you can work on why you felt it was OK and how to direct yourself to doing more productive ways to make changes or cope with issues. Finally you need to work on what you were feeling and if it was true or if there were other things in your life or history that skewed your perception. This will help you be a better spouse, whether with him or someone else.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

FalCod said:


> i wish you and your husband the best of luck. Healing will be difficult and take time, but it can be done.


Thank you!


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> I can't imagine the pain you both are in, but I genuinely hope you both find the healing and reconciliation you seek.
> 
> My only thought is that perhaps you can pick up a new hobby or an outlet that you can pour your emotions into. Whether it's art, dancing, baking, cooking, sewing, etc, anything that is hands-on and can be cathartic. It'll help you channel your feelings and perhaps stabilize them in a productive way. It'll also prevent any overflow or cross-over emotions that could hinder your and his healing process.
> 
> If you're both determined and truly feel your partnership and love outweigh the pain, then you'll get through this. It'll hurt and there will be lasting scars for both of you, but I wish you luck and happiness.


Thank you! I think a hobby is a great idea!


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Have you both sought professional individual and marital counseling and therapy?


We have both started individual counseling. Because of our financial situation, we can not start marriage counseling at this time.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ansley,

Have you told your H everything and been completely truthful?

Sometimes once you trickle truth someone they never really trust that they got the complete story. 

Tamat


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> As a fellow abuse survivor, I know how hard that is. There's a lot in your post that makes me sympathize with both you and your husband.
> 
> However, you asked for affair help, so I'll stay in that lane.
> 
> ...


I have to change my thought processing and deal with my CSA. I feel as though I will be in a better place after I go through more IC. I need to figure out how being raped as a child has screwed up my decision making capabilities. 
I DO know that my choice to cheat was wrong and understand totally that there is no justification. I am remorseful and apologize to my husband multiple times a day. He doesn’t deserve the pain I’ve caused.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Welcome to TAM, @AnsleyW.
> 
> It will be difficult for you.
> 
> ...


I have never thought of the possibility of him thinking his MS was the reason I cheated on him. I will make sure to let him know that his health had nothing to do with my selfishness and stupidity. Thank you for mentioning that to me.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

TJW said:


> I have a suggestion to offer. I think I understand the context under which you call your affair a "mistake". In a certain way, I agree, because we are fallible humans who, from time to time, do things which are not within our basic character description.
> 
> But there is an aspect of "mistake" which carries a connotation that it is an act not done of one's will. It's not possible to be forgiven for something we don't control.....neither is it necessary. It indicates a "no fault".
> 
> ...


I don’t want my husband thinking that I do not take fault or blame. I did make a choice and have regretted it ever since.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

AnsleyW said:


> I have to change my thought processing and deal with my CSA. I feel as though I will be in a better place after I go through more IC. I need to figure out how being raped as a child has screwed up my decision making capabilities.
> I DO know that my choice to cheat was wrong and understand totally that there is no justification. I am remorseful and apologize to my husband multiple times a day. He doesn’t deserve the pain I’ve caused.


You know, I am not going to flame you because you really do seem to be trying. So let's get some things straight. 

1) Cheating, no matter what the reason, is never a mistake. Ever. 

2) Ok, you were abused as a child, and while I am so sorry for that. Still not a mistake, a choice. A horrible, massively hurtful, choice. You did this. You did this to a man that is terminally ill and will probably die before he even has a chance to get over it. Frankly, still, you really don't know how much you have hurt him. 

3) You are not remorseful, you think you are. You are sorry, you wish it did not happen, you are def sorry you got caught, but you are not remorseful. Remorse is when, after years of trying to reconcile, you actually get to the point of "Feeling" his pain that you caused. And to make it worse, you kicked him when you were down. 

So, those things you need to understand. And there is something that we all want answered. Are you the wife of the guy that has MS that cheated with a trucker, and lied to her husband for a while? 

If you want help, be truthful, please. 

Now, read all the books esp "Helping your spouse heal."

Do you understand that all the books should help you understand, that your pain does not matter right now, his does. Since he is sick, he may not divorce you, but you know that is what you deserve. 

ALL of your energy, should be directed in helping him heal from your betrayal. But your attitude is better than most I will give you that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> I have been reading posts on TAM for about 2 months now. I am the WS. I cheated on my husband. We have been together for almost 24 years, married for 8. We have 3 children ages 16, 9 and 2. We had some rough years in our relationship- some worse than others. After my husband was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2009, his attitude towards me changed. He was bitter, angry and physically and emotionally abusive to me. Never to our children. I am a survivor of CSA that I didn’t even remember until my husband found out that I had been texting another man. When I was confronted and made to leave our house and stay in a hotel, all the memories of my abuse came crashing down on me. I should have gotten help then, but I did not. I ended the EA with the OM and my husband and I decided that we needed to work on our family as a whole, not separate. My husband said that he forgave me although he didn’t. He was still so angry with me for my deceit, justifiably, and we haven’t been truthful with each other since. A while later (unsure of exact time frame) the OM contacted me again and I, having very low self esteem and feeling as though I was in a loveless marriage, made the worst mistake of my life and cheated on my husband - a SA was started. I have no justification for my actions and the background is just that - not excuses at all.
> I knew it was wrong and wanted so desperately to wake up from the bad dream I had allowed to happen. OM tried to keep me under his control after I told him that we were wrong and the affair needed to stop. He threatened to tell my husband the truth, he threatened suicide, he would use anything he could to try to keep me around. I was miserable and I took it out on my husband and kids. I yelled at everyone and was in a bad mood all the time.
> The SA ended. I would not continue to do wrong. I get pregnant in 2014 with my husbands child. I had no doubts that the child was my husbands. The SA ended months prior to becoming pregnant. OM again threatened to tell my husband about the affair and insisted that I have a paternity test done to prove to him that the child wasn’t his. The last time I saw the OM was when I met him for the paternity test in 2015. Of course, it came back that the child is not his. I thought I could keep everything a secret from my husband and that he would never find out. WRONG!!!
> He found out on March 12, 2018.
> ...


Was your youngest born before the due date?

If so I have read your husbands story.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> I was upset before being caught. I was carrying so much shame and guilt that I was angry and sad all the time. I took my emotions out on my family and co workers. I feel as though a weight was lifted off of me after the affair came to light. I had kept so much bottled up that I wasn’t the same person anymore. I was very upset - just not the way I am now after seeing the pain in my husbands eyes. I was relieved when he found out and wish I would have told the truth years ago. My marriage was not good when the affair was going on, even worse after the affair because of my guilt.


Not in a good place is no excuse for a affair. 

Until you realize that this is all on you and your choice to **** another man. You can’t fix what you have done if it’s possible, until you take full responsibility. Stop using these excuse for why you did it. Look yourself in the mirror and be honest for once, you did it because you wanted to. 

My marriage has been hell for the past 14 years, I haven’t cheated. 

My childhood is a horror to remember, it hasn’t caused me to cheat. 

My mom cheated on my dad when I was 4. I just happened to be with him when he caught her at the hotel. I just remember him standing at the door to the room as I sat in the car. Never saw who was inside, I just knew when I was a little older. 

Take responsibility for your own actions. Stop blaming everything else.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

By the way you telling us about the excuses shows you are still using them to explain your actions. 

This happened long enough ago that if you had taken responsibility for your actions, you would have never muddied the water with your excuses.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I really hope you and your husband can work things out and have a happy and loving life together. After reading your initial post I have one question. You said that your sexual affair ended months before you became pregnant in 2014. Why did your AP think that the child might be his and demand a DNA test. Unless he is absolutely stupid and can't count to 9 months and can't comprehend that the months since you last had sex and the number of months you have been pregnant makes it impossible to be his, then why the test? I do wish you well.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > You know, I am not going to flame you because you really do seem to be trying. So let's get some things straight.
> ...


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

Yes, our youngest was 3 weeks early. Our first son was 3 weeks early and our daughter was 12 weeks early. I’m sure you’ve read his story and can feel his pain.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

scaredlion said:


> I really hope you and your husband can work things out and have a happy and loving life together. After reading your initial post I have one question. You said that your sexual affair ended months before you became pregnant in 2014. Why did your AP think that the child might be his and demand a DNA test. Unless he is absolutely stupid and can't count to 9 months and can't comprehend that the months since you last had sex and the number of months you have been pregnant makes it impossible to be his, then why the test? I do wish you well.


The OM threatened to tell my husband about the affair if I didn’t keep some sort of communication with him. I believe that he thought I was lying to him about my due date because he wanted to be the father. He demanded a DNA test be done or he would expose me for the cheater and liar I am. 
OM was a real piece of work. I’ve never hated anyone in my life except for him. Even the male who allowed and watched my CSA occur. He would say he was going to kill himself every time I told him that I wanted to end all communication. Kill himself or finish ruining my life.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

ABHale said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > I was upset before being caught. I was carrying so much shame and guilt that I was angry and sad all the time. I took my emotions out on my family and co workers. I feel as though a weight was lifted off of me after the affair came to light. I had kept so much bottled up that I wasn’t the same person anymore. I was very upset - just not the way I am now after seeing the pain in my husbands eyes. I was relieved when he found out and wish I would have told the truth years ago. My marriage was not good when the affair was going on, even worse after the affair because of my guilt.
> ...


As I said before, I’m not using my past as an excuse. I was giving the background of my life. 
I do take responsibility for my actions. No one forced me to lie and cheat. I chose to. It was a choice that I will regret for the rest of my life. 
I am so sorry to hear about your past. I hope that you have learned to accept it and how to move past the pain it has caused you.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

ABHale said:


> By the way you telling us about the excuses shows you are still using them to explain your actions.
> 
> This happened long enough ago that if you had taken responsibility for your actions, you would have never muddied the water with your excuses.


I wish I would have come clean years ago. I was stupid and thought I would be able to keep such an enormous secret.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> When he finally tells you that he wants to divorce, do your best to keep it fair and amicable.


So, you feel as though he will divorce me? If he does, I will be fair and amicable. I hope he doesn’t decide to take that route but if he does, what can I say? I deserve it. I deserve to feel the pain he feels.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> You made a choice, not a mistake. Until you get that you won't be helping him really or yourself. That is the thing you need to change your mindset to be a good choice for a spouse. Love is about giving not what you get. The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to really work on you. Especially getting help for your CSA.
> 
> Read
> 
> ...


I see how my brain deciphers life and I am a black and white kind of person. I am working very hard to change this. My mind immediately goes to the worst that can happen in a situation - every situation actually. 
I understand that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. But - my husband is worth it. He is so worth it. He is an amazing man who didn’t deserve to have his heart ripped out, stomped on and tossed to the side. 
After Dday - after a couple of weeks of no contact unless it dealt with our kids, he looked me in my eyes and promised me that his hands would never again touch me angrily. He said that he would only touch me lovingly. Dday was the last time he laid his hands on me to hurt me. I believe him when he says he’s sorry and is a changed man. I believe him when he says he loves me and I believe him when he says he has remorse for the abuse. I wasn’t going to add that part to my story because I didn’t want anyone to feel pity for me. I decided to so that my post was truthful.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I have seen this list before and Googled it. It is a good place to start:
> 
> From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
> 
> ...


Each and every single thing on this checklist has been completed!!!!!


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> You said that your husband was emotionally and physically abusive.
> 
> Can you elaborate?
> 
> ...


There will never again be physical or verbal abuse. He has apologized and sworn to never touch me with an angry hand again. 
Nothing trumps infidelity either!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> Yes, our youngest was 3 weeks early. Our first son was 3 weeks early and our daughter was 12 weeks early. I’m sure you’ve read his story and can feel his pain.


I never been cheated on so don’t know that pain. 


Your husband shared his story. Couldn’t understand why you affair partner demanded parental test. The affair was supposed to have ended in August I believe. You didn’t get pregnant for another 2 to 3 months. The assumption was that you didn’t end the affair until you realized you were pregnant.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> I see how my brain deciphers life and I am a black and white kind of person. I am working very hard to change this. My mind immediately goes to the worst that can happen in a situation - every situation actually.
> I understand that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. But - my husband is worth it. He is so worth it. He is an amazing man who didn’t deserve to have his heart ripped out, stomped on and tossed to the side.
> After Dday - after a couple of weeks of no contact unless it dealt with our kids, he looked me in my eyes and promised me that his hands would never again touch me angrily. He said that he would only touch me lovingly. Dday was the last time he laid his hands on me to hurt me. I believe him when he says he’s sorry and is a changed man. I believe him when he says he loves me and I believe him when he says he has remorse for the abuse. I wasn’t going to add that part to my story because I didn’t want anyone to feel pity for me. I decided to so that my post was truthful.


Right and wrong is black and white. Why not change your mind to not do the black stuff, not turn them into gray. There is no gray in cheating or physical abuse, it's wrong. 

However in my mind they are not much different. So maybe you are even. 

Whatever though, both of you are a mess. You both need IC and impulse control these kinds of issues can't be white knuckled they need professional help. 

I can't in good conscience recommend staying with an physically abusive man, just like I also can't recommend staying with an emotionally abusive cheater (lots of people do though, on this very board. I am sure they are going to vehemently advise you to stay away from your husband and they would be right but they would be the first to advice your husband to think about staying with you. Just pointing that out.) Anyway so I am not doing that I think you will have a much better life if you left him, it's very rare that these men change. Maybe if it was just one time, even then I don't like the power dynamic. It's your life though.

Did you read my questions?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> There will never again be physical or verbal abuse. He has apologized and sworn to never touch me with an angry hand again.
> Nothing trumps infidelity either!


They are pretty much the same, abuse is abuse. Some people seem to only acknowledge abuse if they can see it with their eyes though.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > I was upset before being caught. I was carrying so much shame and guilt that I was angry and sad all the time. I took my emotions out on my family and co workers. I feel as though a weight was lifted off of me after the affair came to light. I had kept so much bottled up that I wasn’t the same person anymore. I was very upset - just not the way I am now after seeing the pain in my husbands eyes. I was relieved when he found out and wish I would have told the truth years ago. My marriage was not good when the affair was going on, even worse after the affair because of my guilt.
> ...


I have failed so many people. I am ashamed of myself and hate who I am. I did fail my husband and my children and I was very selfish. I wasn’t thinking of anyone else but myself. 
He doesn’t trust me at all and I completely understanf that. I am trying to give him truths that he can touch. DNA test, STD tests, I send him pictures of where I am if we aren’t together. He has all of my passwords to everything. I want him to feel like he can trust something in life, even if he can’t trust me. 
I will have to print out your questions so I can read them and respond easier. 
Thank you for your input.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> Each and every single thing on this checklist has been completed!!!!!


You get to write that sentence on your deathbed. Not a few months after you get caught.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> OP, I feel for you. My W was also the victim of CSA (3x), and most people don't know how much that messes with your head. She has been admitted to a mental hospital twice, and we monitor her daily to ensure all is OK.


I am so sorry to hear about your wife’s CSA. Some don’t understand how I can suffer from abuse that was 30 years ago. It really does mess with your head and decision making. I didn’t remember my assault until a few years ago. I didn’t deal with it and ended up cheating on my husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> I have failed so many people. I am ashamed of myself and hate who I am. I did fail my husband and my children and I was very selfish. I wasn’t thinking of anyone else but myself.
> He doesn’t trust me at all and I completely understanf that. I am trying to give him truths that he can touch. DNA test, STD tests, I send him pictures of where I am if we aren’t together. He has all of my passwords to everything. I want him to feel like he can trust something in life, even if he can’t trust me.
> I will have to print out your questions so I can read them and respond easier.
> Thank you for your input.


None of this is bad but you are going to need to go a whole lot deeper, these are good actions to take and good things to want. My questions I hope will help you really think about yourself in a deep way. Question how you think and how it lead you to make bad choices.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AnsleyW said:


> As I said before, I’m not using my past as an excuse. I was giving the background of my life.
> I do take responsibility for my actions. No one forced me to lie and cheat. I chose to. It was a choice that I will regret for the rest of my life.
> I am so sorry to hear about your past. I hope that you have learned to accept it and how to move past the pain it has caused you.


Thank you but don’t be sorry about it, I’m not. 
It’s made me who I am. It’s ok. 

Never let the past beat you, kick it’s ass. :grin2:


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

TJW said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > There are folks on here like Aftercare who have truly changed you can read it in their posts. They have the respect of the posters who have been cheated on because when they post you can tell their thinking on these issue are correct.
> ...


I know this is all my fault. My husband did not make me betray him. I am also not sorry that the affair was revealed. I wish I would have been honest years ago. I can’t change my past actions, only how I can better myself now and be there for my husband now and for as long as he will allow me to be there. 
We are on the right path and so many aspects of our relationship are better than ever. 
Thank you for responding.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > I have failed so many people. I am ashamed of myself and hate who I am. I did fail my husband and my children and I was very selfish. I wasn’t thinking of anyone else but myself.
> ...


That’s what I need help with. What truths can I show him that he can trust? I know it will take a very long time to earn anything back from him and I’m willing to do whatever it takes, anything he needs from me, changing myself and my thought process. I am willing and ready to go as deep as he will let me. 
My bad choices will haunt both of us forever. I pray that he can find some peace in our renewed love for each other. My goal is to be the wife that he deserves because he deserves so much better than my past has given to him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

AnsleyW said:


> There will never again be physical or verbal abuse. He has apologized and sworn to never touch me with an angry hand again.
> Nothing trumps infidelity either!


I hope you're right. 

Abusers cry and apologize all the time, until they do it again. 

He's shown that he's capable of that. 

Just keep that in mind.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Your husband is right. It wasn't a "mistake." It was a whole bunch of decisions. You made a decision to speak with the OM a second time after the first time things started moving in the wrong direction. You made a decision to flirt, meet or speak with him again and again. You made a decision to let him touch you, kiss you, take off your clothes, etc. Actually your adultery was the sum of 100 decisions at minimum.
> 
> If you get help for your CSA, and hone up your boundaries, self image and need for external validation issues, your husband might be able to forgive you for all those decisions.
> 
> ...


My husband is very understanding of my CSA. He reads a lot about it and the effects it can have on a person. He wanted me to get help when I first remembered the rape. It was my choice to rug sweep my emotions and seek attention from another man. I used the rape and abuse as a reason - I was ashamed of what I was remembering and didn’t know how to cope. 
I am working with my IC to understand that I need boundaries and have to retrain my brain to think correctly.


----------



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > I see how my brain deciphers life and I am a black and white kind of person. I am working very hard to change this. My mind immediately goes to the worst that can happen in a situation - every situation actually.
> ...


I did read your questions. Thank you for making me think. I need things like that. 
You are correct - right and wrong are black and white and should be no variance in that. 
I should clarify what I meant by my mind always thinking black and white - I am referring to cognitive distortions and how I immediately expect the worst. I have many cognitive distortions and that is what my IC and I are working on right now. Changing how my brain perceives.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

sokillme said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > There will never again be physical or verbal abuse. He has apologized and sworn to never touch me with an angry hand again.
> ...


 This is exactly right. Abuse is abuse. Physical and psychological abuse are just as badd as in Fidelity, and vice a versa. There are an equal number of people who think want someone cheats they deserve to be physically abused. This is bullcrap.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > There will never again be physical or verbal abuse. He has apologized and sworn to never touch me with an angry hand again.
> ...


I trust my husband and I am certain that he will never do it again. He has taken amazing strides with his anger. Which is weird because he should be angrier now than he has ever been before. I have seen his improvements and have faith in his ability to control himself now.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

ABHale said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > As I said before, I’m not using my past as an excuse. I was giving the background of my life.
> ...


YES!!!! Don’t let the past beat you - kick its ass! 
Thank you!!


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > Each and every single thing on this checklist has been completed!!!!!
> ...


I shouldn’t have said ‘completed’ because you’re right, I will have to work on this for the rest of my life. I have started everything on the checklist. 
Thank you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

AnsleyW said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > AnsleyW said:
> ...


 I am the one who posted that list, and I knew exactly what you meant. You met that all of those precautions are in place. Don't get so obsessed with parsing words to please everyone that it keeps you from progressing. Just keep working.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Who is Ansley's husband ? Is he on this board ?

Update: Don't bother - found him!


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Ansley,

I’m a BS and understand how your husband is feeling. My recommendation is to be totally transparent with full honesty. I believe the possibility of you sharing parenthood with another man destroyed him. I want to caution you of trying to answer every question from every poster. Pick and choose of what you want to answer and move on. This is not a trial by jury but a vehicle to help you navigate through a tumultuous path. Last but not least, try to understand the emotional state he is presently residing. Help him walk through this shadow of death. Do not lose hope. Your marriage is worth fighting for!!!
Best,
Dreamer


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

AnsleyW said:


> That’s what I need help with. What truths can I show him that he can trust? I know it will take a very long time to earn anything back from him and I’m willing to do whatever it takes, anything he needs from me, changing myself and my thought process. I am willing and ready to go as deep as he will let me.
> My bad choices will haunt both of us forever. I pray that he can find some peace in our renewed love for each other. My goal is to be the wife that he deserves because he deserves so much better than my past has given to him.





AnsleyW said:


> I am so sorry to hear about your wife’s CSA. Some don’t understand how I can suffer from abuse that was 30 years ago. It really does mess with your head and decision making. I didn’t remember my assault until a few years ago. *I didn’t deal with it and ended up cheating on my husband.*


So in bold, I just want to point this out. I am not saying that what you went through as a child was not the most horrible thing ever, because it is. This kind of trauma is actually something that a lot of people never come back from, they just drift through life making bad decisions about everything until they just end it. 

So no one here or anywhere should bang on you for those real issues. It is something that you appear to dealing with and starting to over come. 

Now here is the but, when you say, "I didn’t deal with it and ended up cheating on my husband", well you can see that in real life, and as far as your healing from it, YOU CANNOT THINK THIS WAY. 

It is a bad, self-deluding mind set that is completely unhealthy for you, and TOTALLY unhealthy for the reconciliation of your marriage. This phrase that you wrote, is there because a part of you mind thinks that way. That part of your mind, you have to retrain. 

And, the other thing that you have to understand is that your husbands physical abuse, while it may be debatable if it is worse than your infidelity, it is totally and completely unacceptable in every way. 

As with infidelity, there is no excuse for it, there never will be an excuse for it because it is inexcusable. 

The pain that the abuse from him has caused you and your marriage will have to be addressed at some point, but it may have to wait until you get to a stable point in the R in regards to your cheating.

You sound like you understand a great deal about the pain that you have cause. Keep working, and it is possible that you guys could make it...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> Who is Ansley's husband ? Is he on this board ?
> 
> Update: Don't bother - found him!


I can't find him. I want to get a complete picture.


----------



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> > Who is Ansley's husband ? Is he on this board ?
> ...


User name FarAwayFuture


----------



## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

AnsleyW said:


> So, you feel as though he will divorce me? If he does, I will be fair and amicable. I hope he doesn’t decide to take that route but if he does, what can I say? I deserve it. I deserve to feel the pain he feels.


If he does divorce you, it's not about you feeling the pain he does...it'll be because he simply cannot forgive you or get over what you did. He may try, really, really hard. There's a high likelihood he will eventually feel too much pain and be crushed so hard by your presence that he will have no choice but to file for divorce and remove you from his immediate life.

For a huge number of men, after their wife takes another man's penis into their body, their love for said wife starts to wither and die.

It did for me, and as hard as I tried to reconcile, I could not. The love simply ceased to exist anymore.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Go today and buy a DNA test you can both do.

Take the polygraph....but if I were you, if there is ANYTHING, I mean anything, you have not told him or have not told truthfully, leave your laptop and go tell him NOW


----------



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

dreamer2017 said:


> Dear Ansley,
> 
> I’m a BS and understand how your husband is feeling. My recommendation is to be totally transparent with full honesty. I believe the possibility of you sharing parenthood with another man destroyed him. I want to caution you of trying to answer every question from every poster. Pick and choose of what you want to answer and move on. This is not a trial by jury but a vehicle to help you navigate through a tumultuous path. Last but not least, try to understand the emotional state he is presently residing. Help him walk through this shadow of death. Do not lose hope. Your marriage is worth fighting for!!!
> Best,
> Dreamer


Thank you for responding. First, I’m so sorry to hear that you are a BS and for your pain from that. 
I am being open and honest. I did trickle truth because I’m stupid - so I hurt him again and he says he’s just waiting for more trickle truth. He is so hurt and it is heart wrenching to know that I did this to him. 
There wasn’t a possibility of the OM being our child’s father - but it was close. I believe, like you, that this was what hit him the hardest and he is having a bad day today because of that. 
I am trying not to lose hope. Today is a day that he doesn’t want to speak to me, much less see me.


----------



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

hardwired said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > So, you feel as though he will divorce me? If he does, I will be fair and amicable. I hope he doesn’t decide to take that route but if he does, what can I say? I deserve it. I deserve to feel the pain he feels.
> ...


This is my fear. That he will try his hardest to forgive me but he won’t be able to. I’m scared to death. Should I just let him go and save his time and let him heal quicker or do I fight for him in hopes he will overcome?


----------



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Go today and buy a DNA test you can both do.
> 
> Take the polygraph....but if I were you, if there is ANYTHING, I mean anything, you have not told him or have not told truthfully, leave your laptop and go tell him NOW


DNA test done on all of our children and sent off today. I have told him that I would take a polygraph. After I trickled truth and tore his fresh wounds open again, he knows the whole truth.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Ansley,

I have two questions...

1.) Is there a remote possibility any of the kids are not his?

2.) What true did you now trickled?


----------



## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

correction... Truth


----------



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

dreamer2017 said:


> Ansley,
> 
> I have two questions...
> 
> ...


There is no possibility whatsoever that our kids are not his. I’m not worried about the DNA tests. It was something that I wanted to do so that he can have a truth. 
I trickled about the number of sexual encounters with the OM. For some stupid reason, I thought a lower number wouldn’t hurt as bad. Stupidity. Absolutely ONE of my most selfish moments.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AnsleyW said:


> There will never again be physical or verbal abuse. He has apologized and sworn to never touch me with an angry hand again.
> Nothing trumps infidelity either!


Buy yourself a 10" iron frying pan at Walmart. 

Next time he hits you plant it upside his head.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I am going to be a little direct here so I apologize. BUT I man who would abuse his wife doesn't deserve any sympathy or tears for whatever she might do in the future that hurts him. Zero, none, nada, zilch, 0.0. This is a betrayal as bad as cheating, a demonstration of moral character that is deep rooted and almost always repeated no matter what the abuser says. 

I have read over and over again posters recommend the BS do everything to out the cheater to family, friends, coworkers, clergy, the mailman, the trash guy, the checkout girl at the supermarket, ok taking it a little to far but you all know what I mean. 

How many people on this board would simply gloss over this if a BS come on and said "ahh it's all good I trust him he won't cheat again." Back to my 0.0. 

While cheating is wrong in every circumstance even though sometimes it is understandable given certain situations, abuse is wrong in every circumstance and never understandable in any situation. Repeated abuse in my opinion should never be swept under the rug. If I were the OP I would have filed for divorce after the first grab or shake or slap. 

I will say this also, if it has ever happened in front of the kids that is child abuse it is a form of emotional abuse if they witness their father abusing their mother. And the children are learning that this is OK behavior. 

There have been a number of checklist provided here for the OP to gain back the trust of her husband all good stuff.

But here's my one point. The husband here should agree to this in writing and include a full written confession that he has abused her multiple times in the past. This document should very detailed and should be prepared by an attorney and held by that attorney.

If he ever again is abusive charges will be filled and his confession of past abuse should be delivered as evidence in his trial and sentencing.

Sorry but a man who would abuse his wife is no man and doesn't deserve to be treated as such.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

AnsleyW said:


> There will never again be physical or verbal abuse. He has apologized and sworn to never touch me with an angry hand again.
> Nothing trumps infidelity either!


Ansley, my dear, you sound like a text book abuse victim. They all say they have changed and usually they do for a time, but they also very often repeat, and then swear to never do it again and repeat, and so on and so on. 

And yes abuse trumps infidelity, maybe they're equal, but in my mind abuse is worse. 

I understand you feel genuinely truly guilty and sorry for cheating as you should, I guess. Nope you shouldn't you cheated on a wife beater. But don't let that guilt blind you. Do some research on abusers. If he pushed you across the room or hit you one time after finding out about the cheating and that was the only one isolated incident, I would give better odds it doesn't happen again. But odds are it will and odds are your kids know it's happening, and odds are their knowledge of this has traumatized them and will continue to.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Ansley,

I want to re-emphasize. You will receive a lot of comments and positions from posters (some good and some bad). Please chose the ones that will help the survival of your marriage and family and help the healing process. Some posters will vent based on their own situation and not consider the totality of the situation. In your decision-making process and concerns; talk with your husband, counselor and others that are a vital part of your family.

Hoping for the best,
Dreamer


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

So how often did your husband beat you?

Once a week

Once a month 

Once a year

Once 

Did he put you in the hospital?

I see the word abuse but no discussion on what occuerred

Maybe I missed it


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

dreamer2017 said:


> Dear Ansley,
> 
> I want to re-emphasize. You will receive a lot of comments and positions from posters (some good and some bad). Please chose the ones that will help the survival of your marriage and family and help the healing process. Some posters will vent based on their own situation and not consider the totality of the situation. In your decision-making process and concerns; talk with your husband, counselor and others that are a vital part of your family.
> 
> ...


Great advice. Thank you Dreamer.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

If posters are venting please pay attention they are giving you an idea of how your H feels and thinks. While some of it is rude and a personal attack on you keep in mind that what they are saying as BHs themselves may be what your H is too polite to say to you.

Tamat


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

ButtPunch said:


> So how often did your husband beat you?
> 
> Once a week
> 
> ...


I dont know big man. How many times do YOU think it's okay to hit your wife?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> I dont know big man. How many times do YOU think it's okay to hit your wife?


FFS, take that giant chip off your shoulder!

It's a legitimate question. 

Is it possible, at all possible…..that ButtPuch is asking to better understand the situation to better taylor his answer to her? At all possible? He's been around here for years, shows no history of being a raging, knuckledragging neanderthal, yet somehow you can ascribe some pretty evil motives to him? 

I understand we all bring our own prejudices to the forum, but this is ****ing ridiculous!


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Ansley:

1. Try to recall how many times you met with OM. A six month affair; did you meet once a week? Twice a week? Three times? Try to get that down to as close as possible on your timeline. 6 months equals 25 weeks. Multiply the 25 with your average meeting number. It's important for trust.

2. When is the poly scheduled? Try to make sure you have no trickle truth that comes out before that so there are no surprises. Don't hold back now and have him hurt again later.

3. Forget about the OM. Hatred is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. Try to become indifferent to him.

4. Be patient until he heals. You broke this. You fix it. Good luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The fact that both their threads went silent after direct questions about physical abuse makes me nervous.

And I checked for potato chips before I wrote that.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Long hard slog ahead of you. Couple this with a lifelong disease that eventually will progress. With that disease comes a complete spectrum of emotions. I recommend that you do some significant reading on MS and implications both physical and emotional. The good news is the remission seems to be holding, but, as you know, that changes. You will need to double down on your efforts, and because he is the type to suddenly decide that he cannot forgive, be absolutely resolute in your efforts. This will not be easy. Mine certainly was not. It took six months before I was allowed back into my home. She "dated" once, before she considered a reconciliation. (some date, a drink and a motel visit). The IC helped with a ton of my issues, the MC revealed a lot of mutual problems we never addressed. This ain't a cakewalk in the best of circumstances, yours are not the best of circumstances. You will feel like your aiming at a moving target. And in many ways, you will.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

When are the DNA results expected?


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

WOW lady! You went in the truck stop to have sex in some man's truck? Seriously?? Are you aware that you are with that action no different than the 20$ who. E who had sex with truck drivers on their stops. Just you were cheaper to him, he didn't need to give you any money!!!! OMG lady!!! There is a wide range of betrail in cheating, but yours is among the worst! Do you see that it was more important to you that you go to have sex with a truck driver in his truck in the truck stop than your husband and your kids!! Did you ever think that when kids in your kids school hear what you done, that they will verbally hurt your kids by telling them that their mother is a truck stop who. E?? You really did that to your kids???


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

I like it when you say you will do everything possible to fix this. Will you? If you will then do this : tell him to file for divorce. Then tell him to go and date other woman, and that you will remain fateful and that you will fight to prove to him that you are better than them and in the end, when divorce is due, then tell him that he will decide then if you are still right for him or not. If he decides you are, then he will stop the divorce and you will once again have your marriage. Why would only you get to bang other people? If you thought you have right to do it, then he has every right do date other woman and see if he will be happier. How about that? Will you do it? Or your talk of doing anything is really just a talk.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

It is a good idea to have her check to see if she is just that selfLESS, for no other reason than for her to find out for herself if her words really match what she feels/wants. 

But think it is safe to say that we all know what she will/will not do.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

OnTheFly said:


> FFS, take that giant chip off your shoulder!
> 
> It's a legitimate question.
> 
> ...


No harm....

I don't take the newbies too seriouly

I was trying to get a full picture but alas she split


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

I just wanted to update everyone. I do not have the time that many others have to devote to TAM. I appreciate everyone’s response and read them all even though I may not respond to them all. Everyone has their own opinion and I respect that. 
I have a demanding job that requires a 12 hour shift. I also have 3 children, a sick mother and a husband. A teenager who has summer school and a job but no drivers license so I’m in my car a lot. Plus catching my daughters sickness - no comment kept me from responding back - only lack of time on my part. 
Wanted to touch base on a few things that have stood out to me. First - the comments on the abuse I’ve been through. I have lived with abuse from the men in my life since I was a small child. Severe physical, sexual and emotional abuse from men who were supposed to love and care about me. The abuse that I have endured from my husband was not what everyone is thinking though. I guess I should have made my story clearer. We did some pretty dumb things when we were younger and we weren’t always in the best frame of mind. This was all before we had children and we have grown and changed. My husband does not beat me on a daily basis. My husband does not BEAT me period. We have been in arguments where anger gets out of control and words are used to hurt. After words can’t hurt anymore, pushing and shoving come into play and sometimes items were thrown or broken. He would almost always try to defuse the situation which would make me want to fight more. Neither of us was right or innocent but my thoughts on this is that we cannot move forward if we keep dwelling on the past. I have forgiven some of the men from my past - not all of them, and I told my husband that I have forgiven him. At this point, all I can do is hope and pray that the changes I’ve already seen in him and his remorse of his actions will keep him on the right path - same with my infidelity. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never revisit my past choices and hope he doesn’t revisit his past either. Only time will tell and we have both said to the other that there will be no other chances if one of us breaks our promise to the other. If I cheat again, he’s gone. If he hits again, I’m gone. Understood!!!
As far as getting a divorce and living together and my husband being able to date - I have told him many times that he has the right to hurt me as I’ve hurt him. That doesn’t mean we have to divorce for him to ‘sew his oats’. If he thinks this will help him, he is free to go look, touch, taste.....whatever it is that will help him. My husband has told me that is not him though. He does not feel as though a revenge affair would help matters at all. Even if we were to divorce first, he would still feel as though he were cheating on me. He does not want me to feel the pain that I have selfishly inflicted upon him. 
We have been together for a very long time and we want to make this work - we are going through so much right now but there is still so much love there - some that has been untapped for many years. 
I honestly believe that we CAN AND WILL make it through these trials and be better off for it. 
I am truly sorry that I did not clarify my initial post in reference to the abuse I’ve been through as I was not looking for people to judge anything other than MY actions and to help me be there for my husband. I felt the abuse is a topic that needed to be mentioned for a little background into my skewed thinking. He is a kind man who has had a lot of crap thrown his way. He is very strong to even think of giving me a second chance - so why shouldn’t I give him one as well??? We haven’t dealt with our past until now. Today and our future is where I will be. Not in the past. We are both changing for the better. 
Again, thank you all for your responses, opinions, advice and criticism!!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One of my clients, who was never given to hyperbole, had this response to his wife when she offered a hall pass. He said, and I quote: I would never lower myself to your level. I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life than to be like you. I would not be adverse however to you chopping off a leg or an arm. She was aghast. You mean that you would like me crippled or maimed? He replied, that is exactly what you did to me, and it would be more than fair if you lost a big piece of yourself. That drove it home to her. She worked like a dog. She mangled her AP's life right then and there: She reported him at work, and they both lost their jobs, he was basically thrown to the wolves. His wife left him, and their children no longer have contact with their father. She made a police report, as the AP struck one of her kids, and she was so willing to forgive him, not after getting the glimpse of what her husband was feeling and thinking. She outed herself to her mom and dad. They both said that her husband really married down. They wondered aloud how their daughter became trash. That sent her into the IC office for a long long time. His parents? Every relative was told she was a lowlife wh0re. She was disinvited to a family wedding. Her BH went alone, everyone there, was offering wife alternatives and cards for divorce lawyers. It took her a decade. They divorced, but continued living together. She spent a few years being a sexual convenience for him. There was no love, and he said on numerous occasions that he spent the first two years sexually humiliating her, demanding things she NEVER gave to him, but to her AP. She developed a prolapsed anus from ... But things normalized. Ten years, and the pre A marriage returned, although there is a lot going on under the surface. As I said, they are no longer legally married, however, there are some questions as to whether I can call this a common law arrangement. I arrange for him to move out for a month or so every few years. They have an agreement that is so draconian, that if she as much as looks at another guy sideways, he gets it all, even though she really does not have much left. (She does not know this, and will have to find out when he dies, but we moved so many assets into his name and suppressed anything that she owned, he will be leaving her a bare living on his demise, (I estimate 10K plus her government pensions which should get her to $35K max-she stays in the house, but does not own it.) and a trust is established for the children at age of majority on his demise. If there are any children under 18, his estate will be administered by his lawyers until such time as the child reaches 18. She, to this day, cannot believe that he would be willing for her to go out in the woods and have a hunting "accident", but she knew that he was absolutely convinced that would be justice.


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Yet another great and heart warming story from Taxman!!!! Please keep the true justice stories coming!!!!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

When are the DNA results expected?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AnsleyW said:


> We have been together for a very long time and we want to make this work - we are going through so much right now but *there is still so much love there *- some that has been untapped for many years.
> I honestly believe that we CAN AND WILL make it through these trials and be better off for it.


Okay...but what kind of love? 

Is it a brother-sister love? Do you love him the way a wife loves her husband, or is it a platonic friendly love only...a roommate who you cherish but do not desire for anything else but companionship and co-parenting? 

Are you sexually attracted to him? 

How does he stack up physically and sexually to your affair partner? Are there things you want to change about him?


----------



## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> When are the DNA results expected?


I’m not sure when they will be in. I gave everything to my husband to mail. He will get the results, not me.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Ansley

Keep your chin up. You are getting some real tough questions here. Not that they aren't deserved, but you have to keep a thick skin. 
You made bad decisions. You are now trying to pay the price for them.
Keep on with trying to support your husband. 
Show courage and strength. You broke it. Now fix it.


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## AnsleyW (Apr 26, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> AnsleyW said:
> 
> 
> > We have been together for a very long time and we want to make this work - we are going through so much right now but *there is still so much love there *- some that has been untapped for many years.
> ...


I love him like he is my soulmate, because he is. 
Not sure why your next questions are important but yes, I am very sexually attracted to him. VERY!!! 
My husband and the OM are not even in the same league. Not even comparable. My husband is everything I ever wanted out of a man. He is honest and beautiful- sincere and gorgeous and he is an amazing lover. The OM was nothing to write home about - in any way, shape or form.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Taxman said:


> One of my clients, who was never given to hyperbole, had this response to his wife when she offered a hall pass. He said, and I quote: I would never lower myself to your level. I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life than to be like you. I would not be adverse however to you chopping off a leg or an arm. She was aghast. You mean that you would like me crippled or maimed? He replied, that is exactly what you did to me, and it would be more than fair if you lost a big piece of yourself. That drove it home to her. She worked like a dog. She mangled her AP's life right then and there: She reported him at work, and they both lost their jobs, he was basically thrown to the wolves. His wife left him, and their children no longer have contact with their father. She made a police report, as the AP struck one of her kids, and she was so willing to forgive him, not after getting the glimpse of what her husband was feeling and thinking. She outed herself to her mom and dad. They both said that her husband really married down. They wondered aloud how their daughter became trash. That sent her into the IC office for a long long time. His parents? Every relative was told she was a lowlife wh0re. She was disinvited to a family wedding. Her BH went alone, everyone there, was offering wife alternatives and cards for divorce lawyers. It took her a decade. They divorced, but continued living together. She spent a few years being a sexual convenience for him. There was no love, and he said on numerous occasions that he spent the first two years sexually humiliating her, demanding things she NEVER gave to him, but to her AP. She developed a prolapsed anus from ... But things normalized. Ten years, and the pre A marriage returned, although there is a lot going on under the surface. As I said, they are no longer legally married, however, there are some questions as to whether I can call this a common law arrangement. I arrange for him to move out for a month or so every few years. They have an agreement that is so draconian, that if she as much as looks at another guy sideways, he gets it all, even though she really does not have much left. (She does not know this, and will have to find out when he dies, but we moved so many assets into his name and suppressed anything that she owned, he will be leaving her a bare living on his demise, (I estimate 10K plus her government pensions which should get her to $35K max-she stays in the house, but does not own it.) and a trust is established for the children at age of majority on his demise. If there are any children under 18, his estate will be administered by his lawyers until such time as the child reaches 18. She, to this day, cannot believe that he would be willing for her to go out in the woods and have a hunting "accident", but she knew that he was absolutely convinced that would be justice.


I can understand the motivation for these situations....but honestly, this kind of thing disgusts me. What is the point...to exact as many pounds of flesh as possible? Just divorce the person and move on. I have as little respect for this kind of crap as I do for the one who cheats. These kinds of stories are apparently supposed to elicit cheers and "stick it to 'em!"

Healthy people don;t cheer over this.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

“My husband and the OM are not even in the same league. Not even comparable. My husband is everything I ever wanted out of a man. He is honest and beautiful- sincere and gorgeous and he is an amazing lover. The OM was nothing to write home about - in any way, shape or form.”


Then why did you sleep with him soooooo many times? To the point you had to have a DNA test to prove your youngest wasn’t his?????


You husband seems like such a great guy, not perfect, but still a great person.... I just don’t understand


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> “My husband and the OM are not even in the same league. Not even comparable. My husband is everything I ever wanted out of a man. He is honest and beautiful- sincere and gorgeous and he is an amazing lover. The OM was nothing to write home about - in any way, shape or form.”
> 
> 
> Then why did you sleep with him soooooo many times? To the point you had to have a DNA test to prove your youngest wasn’t his?????
> ...


Read the whole thread.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I have.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I have. Yes, husband has issues, but wouldn’t it have been easier to leave/divorce than turn oneself into a truckstop girl, or as her husband put it, his “in town *****”????

She admits that she cheated down to someone that wasnt near her husband’s league!

I’m shocked that he is considering offering the possibility of R! 

After reading his thread and the hell she has/is putting him through......

Even if the DNA test comes back that it child is his, just the fact that she did one previous to prove to pos that pos wasnt the father.....

Can’t imagine how husband is able to look himself in the mirror, let alone how the wife is!!!!


Good luck with DNA test results and the R


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My client essentially felt stuck. He loved her, but what she did permanently changed him. He actually said that if he wouldn't get arrested, she would wake up one fine day to find a piece of herself neatly surgically removed. I stopped him right there and reiterated that I can be compelled to testify against him. Instead, he surgically removed most of her assets. Ownership in the house was changed, she knows it, and she knows that the agreement she signed essentially leaves her to the good graces of their children. He ensured that the children all know of her transgression, and they are told of it when the time is right. Her daughter echoed her father's sentiment, that Mom acted like a wh0re, and in order to keep her family intact, she has agreed to some fairly draconian terms in the post nup. They are in their late fifties now, and from the outside, it is not a bad marriage. I list them as common law, but am cognizant of the fact that I could list both as divorced. She lives every day in remorse and regret. He loves her, but it is a completely different love than before the A. She mourns the loss of that, and readily admits that she killed it. She also damns the memory of her AP, and her patent idiocy in throwing most everything away. She thought that a hall pass would make it all better. It served to infuriate him, and change his resolve forever. She thought she was being cute. That one offer, I believe was the catalyst. She never heard ugliness directed at her, and I believe that his response shocked her out of affair world. She was unprepared for what came and worked well to fix what she could. It is a damaged relationship, but she is willing to eat the shlt sandwich she left out for him.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Like I said, I get the emotion.

But healthy grownups don't pitch temper tantrums that far reaching. Just divorce and be done.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Like I said, I get the emotion.
> 
> But healthy grownups don't pitch temper tantrums that far reaching. Just divorce and be done.


... and who in the Hell is "healthy" when they're right in the middle of the ****storm. In Taxman's story, the BH's actions were a direct result of those of his WW's ... if she had never did what she did, then there would have never been a need for retaliation. Consequences of her own actions. 

It appears your misandry is showing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AnsleyW said:


> I love him like he is my soulmate, because he is.
> Not sure why your next questions are important but yes, I am very sexually attracted to him. VERY!!!
> My husband and the OM are not even in the same league. Not even comparable. My husband is everything I ever wanted out of a man. He is honest and beautiful- sincere and gorgeous and he is an amazing lover. The OM was nothing to write home about - in any way, shape or form.


Those questions are important because they are the same questions running through your husband's mind. 

He is wondering every moment why he wasn't enough for you... running through every scenario and racking his brain trying to figure out what it was about the other man that made him so much better. 

Is it realistic? No. But this is what he's thinking every hour of every day.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Yah he does have every right to be pissed, leave next to nothing, I have no problem with that. But I have read so many stories and instances of advice, telling people to destroy everyones world get them fired, tell everyone they know tell the kids (which is really just to get their own kids to hate them). It seems like once the dust settles none of that provides any value to you in life and is just a toxic episode adding to the chaos you have to live with forever. I agree that the mindset of revenge is unhealthy and really I don't understand what purpose it serves. It is certainly not in the best interest of the children when there are children. 

And the whole notion of wanting to chop a limb off, that is just totally childish. I mean come on, thats the type of thing a preschooler would say. Plenty of people move on and find happiness, this client of @Taxman seems like he wants to dwell in the misery and the misery is his choice at this point. He will live and die a lonely unhappy child. I would put money on his wife finding another man to take care of her and leaving eventually.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Like I said, I get the emotion.
> ...


Oh get a grip. 95% of the men I know online and offline are amazing, and I respect them greatly.

Men and women who go full destruct, long term punishment, relishing every moment, withholding while holding the spouse hostage through guilt....

They lose all their moral high ground. 

It has nothing to do with gender. There are women out there who do the same thing.

Just divorce and move on.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

AnsleyW said:


> I guess I should have made my story clearer. We did some pretty dumb things when we were younger and we weren’t always in the best frame of mind. This was all before we had children and we have grown and changed. My husband does not beat me on a daily basis. My husband does not BEAT me period. We have been in arguments where anger gets out of control and words are used to hurt. After words can’t hurt anymore, pushing and shoving come into play and sometimes items were thrown or broken. *He would almost always try to defuse the situation which would make me want to fight more. Neither of us was right or innocent* but my thoughts on this is that we cannot move forward if we keep dwelling on the past.



I just want to make sure I understand this. Are you saying that YOU were physically abusive towards your husband as well? (And the physical abuse doesn't have to be a 50-50 percent....I realize it almost never is. But it might be 60-40, 80-20, etc. ). 

I want to be clear on what you are talking about.

And as a side note, I will say, whatever the percentages, I generally feel that a relationship that has degraded to the point of physical abuse is often better ended. There may be some special exceptions, but both personal safety (in the case of one-sided abuse) as well as the possibility of a downward spiral to a tragic event (in the case of mutual physical abuse) have to be taken very seriously.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

The easy fix is to let him have sex with like one or two women with or without you present, but preferably with you present - not participating in any way shape or form. 

The only way to heal physical scars is through physical actions.


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