# Husband has Aspergers, don't know what to do



## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

My husband has Aspergers Syndrom. Along the way to finding out his diagnosis he has accused me of being BPD/NPD. I have tried to google Aspergers but still don't know that much about the disease. Has anyone known someone with Aspergers? And does anyone have any copping methods that might help me deal on a daily basis. I also believe my husband is a narsassist, but he hasn't been diagnosed...yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Listen to this news story. It's very good, and should help.

'Best Practices': Learning To Live With Asperger's : NPR


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You will also need to educate yourself on boundaries, or you'll never survive this. Start with Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Aspergers is a syndrome and not disease. It's on the Autistic Spectrum. There's loads of information out there so you need to do a lot of reading. His symptoms can vary drastically and depending on how bad he is will depend on how you need to deal with everyday situations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

Thank you. In your experience is it "normal" for someone with a disorder to accuse others of being disordered?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sure.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But that sounds more like abusive personality than Aspergers.


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

turnera said:


> But that sounds more like abusive personality than Aspergers.


That is why I also believe he has NPD. He can be verbally abusive and arrogant. He says he isn't NPD and of course we didn't stick with counseling long enough to find out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

NeedToMoveOn said:


> Thank you. In your experience is it "normal" for someone with a disorder to accuse others of being disordered?





NeedToMoveOn said:


> That is why I also believe he has NPD. He can be verbally abusive and arrogant. _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


At the risk of being unnecessarily contentious, do you see the irony here?

Have you ever undergone testing to determine whether you have any particular disorder, whether BPD or NPD?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read the boundaries book and see how you can incorporate it into your marriage. If you do it, and nothing changes, then he may have an issue. Lots of times it's just two dysfunctional people not knowing how to run a proper marriage.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NeedToMoveOn said:


> That is why I also believe he has NPD....He says he isn't NPD and of course we didn't stick with counseling long enough to find out.


NTMO, I suggest you read Kathy Batesel's overview of narcissistic behavior at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It.


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

Yes I have been tested. I have neither. With my son I had PPD and he's decided to take that and run with it. I will read the boundaries book. He has since apologized for some of his actions. Which I'm taking as a big step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of actions?


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

Like diagnosing me with disorders I don't have and being verbally abusive. According to him I used to ruin all major events in our life, but he's now said that isn't true. I am at a cross roads though. For those of you married to people with disorders how do you not give up? I want to grow as a person but with him it sometimes seems too difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As a female, you need to temper your tendency to be nice, to give more than you receive, and to accept bad behavior. It's hard to stand up for yourself, but it's essential. If he behaves poorly, he gets a consequence. For example, if he insults you, you end the conversation and leave the room, leaving him alone. Consequence.

That's how you live with it - by removing your happiness from whether he behaves. He can misbehave all he wants, but he'll keep getting consequences for crossing your boundaries. No skin off your nose.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And try to remember two things. First, he's a man so he thinks like a man. If he were conversing with another man, things like put-downs would be normal and expected, and he'd expect you to give back as good as you got. So learn to differentiate that he may not be aiming to hurt you, but to engage in a 'battle.' All in good fun.

Second, if he has Aspergers, his 'filter' is off. He doesn't see the world the same way you do, and he may be incapable of SEEING that he doesn't see the world the same as you. A good friend of ours, a young man, has it. He came over one day to have us watch this Japanese horror film, vowed it was the absolute best movie in.the.world. Ever. So we watched it. It was horrible! But when we tried to explain that to him, he was simply incapable of understanding that OUR view could be different from HIS view. And it really upset him that we didn't agree with him! So remember that he will likely never see things the way you want him to.


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

I don't want him to see things how I do. That would be boring. I would like it if he wasn't such a jerk. My grandmother died in December and when the kids and I got back from the funeral he said to me if he had better self-esteem he wouldn't have married me at all. That is totally mean and uncalled for, especially when I'd just gotten back from my grandmas funeral. I remember once I said his sister-in-law skipped over me and it was a drag out fight about how I was attacking his family, but he's called me and my mother and my sister cluster bs, and said when I took my children to visit with my sick aunt that I was taking them on "death watch".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds more like he's mentally abusive than anything else. Read Why Does He Do That? first.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have BPD and aspergers.

The asperger's didn't make me mean the PD did. BTW I was raised by a narcissist and that's why I have BPD.

My son has aspergers and while he's blunt to the point of being insensitive at times he's not mean.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

NTMO,a member here,MattMatt,has a wife with Aspergers that he frequently talks about.You might look him up.


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

I don't know what makes him so mean. We're on the brink of divorce and as I read what I'm typing, how I'm living I think I know I need to go through with it. He told me just the other day that he is a victim. I'm not perfect, but I really don't understand where he's getting this from. The other day I sweared (in a whisper) with the kids in the room. He told me I was wrong and then he sweared, but it was ok for him to do so. I don't know if it's BPD or an NPD, but I know it isn't right. For the pp that said they were raised by a narsassist my husband says his therapist said he is not NPD because he wants to change. What is your take on that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That he is telling you anything he can that will make it all YOUR fault. He will never change. Leave and file for divorce. If he ever DOES wake up, he'll know where you are and you can tell him how he can earn you back.


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

Turnera, I do believe you are right. The list goes on and on of things I've supposedly done wrong, but when he does it; it's a okay. I am very sad and scared to be getting a divorce. I'm pregnant right now, which doesn't make things any easier. I don't want my children to feel like mommy gave up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I kept my family together for my kid, and she later told me she wished I hadn't.


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

Wow. That would hurt me. My son is already starting to say things like that. I know what I need to do, just afraid to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remember that your kid will grow up to BE you. If you show dysfunction, if you accept abuse, so will he (or he'll become abusive). It's better to grow up in a single-family HAPPY home than in one with two parents where it messes you up.

And don't even THINK about finding another man for at least a couple years - you have some work to do on yourself, to figure out why you accepted that behavior; or else you'll just pick another guy just like him.


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## NeedToMoveOn (Jan 2, 2013)

I wouldn't think of finding another man for quite some time. In a couple of months I'll have 3 children and no job. I've been a stay at home mom. I have a lot of work to do before I even consider dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'll be able to apply for scholarships and grants, once you're on your own. I recommend taking the next 2 to 4 years to get a degree if you don't already have one.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You two have something like this going on, 

Jane Bob you are having difficult relating to people. You are sometimes in your own world and seem difficult and abrasive. I think it is Asperger's 

Bob Jane you are self-centered and controlling. You have a hard time acknowledging other people' feelings. I read an article about your syndrome. You could benefit from counselling to work on changing your unacceptable behavior. 

Jane My behavior in not the problem. You are the one that needs help. 

Bob These are the classic symptoms in your syndrome, need for control, undo sensitivity to criticism, resistance to help, self-centered and narcissistic personality. 

THE BATTLE OF THE ARM-CHAIR PSYCHOLOGISTS. 

I would suggest you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and perhaps the two of you can work on relating to oe another, instead of criticizing and labeling each other.


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## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

OP I feel for you. My hubby has ASD -in his instance its more the emotional absence, lack of understanding emotional cues, distancing behaviours and emotional unavailability. It feels like he is very very far away a lot of the time. Whilst not abusive it's extremely lonely and I am still learning whether I can live a long life life this. My thoughts are with you .


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

NeedToMoveOn said:


> My husband has Aspergers Syndrom. Along the way to finding out his diagnosis he has accused me of being BPD/NPD. I have tried to google Aspergers but still don't know that much about the disease. Has anyone known someone with Aspergers? And does anyone have any copping methods that might help me deal on a daily basis. I also believe my husband is a narsassist, but he hasn't been diagnosed...yet.


He can have other things that might be a disease, but...... Asperger Syndrome is NOT a disease; it's what you are, just a little bit different. it doesn't make you mean, clumpsy, blunt sometimes, introvert and a lot of other things, but not mean.
So I think there are other problems?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bobby5000 said:


> I would suggest you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and perhaps the two of you can work on relating to oe another, instead of criticizing and labeling each other.


 That would require her husband believing that he has any improving to do. According to him, SHE is the source of all their problems.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Alright OP..... Does he seem "mean" after stressful events only or are there other times he seems mean? If he is getting rude, snappy, ect after events with alot of people and stress it probably more likely due to anxiety rather then being narcissistic. Since he has aspergers he is probably self absorbed... Meaning he will probably only be able to relate by saying things like.. "I feel...., I think.. I believe" If this is the case try relating in the same way. Say things like... "I understand now let me explain how I feel..." Then try using some I statements as well then ask how he feels and if he understands where your comming from.

I suggest you not engage in any serious talk like this though if he is on edge and snappy. Wait until he catches his head and be sure to let him know if something hurt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

NeedToMoveOn said:


> Thank you. In your experience is it "normal" for someone with a disorder to accuse others of being disordered?


Totally. I have major depression and extreme social anxiety disorder, and I say everyone around me has schizophrenia. People in their cars slowing down to drive over embedded train tracks and people merging at half the speed limit; wtf are they doing? Are their schizophrenic hallucinations telling them to slow down and drive like retards? Hurrrrr I'll just drive my little corolla in front of this semi and force him to slam on the brakes because the aliens told me it would be ok.
(this forum needs a schizophrenia emoticon)



> My son has aspergers and while he's blunt to the point of being insensitive at times he's not mean.


That's the 'burgers alright. People with autism are not trying to be *******s. They just are. I'm a bit like that too, and I've often described my behavior as autism-like. I just say what I'm thinking and I don't intend to hurt people, but I often do. How am I suppose to know that saying you have nice big thighs is going to hurt your feelings? I said nice because I like big thighs! It doesn't really occur to me that saying someone has big thighs could be hurtful. Most guys love big thighs and big butts.



> I'm not perfect, but I really don't understand where he's getting this from. The other day I sweared (in a whisper) with the kids in the room. He told me I was wrong and then he sweared, but it was ok for him to do so.


That's definitely not autism. People with autism _demand_ logical consistency. Either everyone can swear, or nobody can swear. Your man just sounds like a jerk.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Dealing with someone with Asperger's is hard because they do not have good interpersonal skills. Men generally have more characeteristics of Asperger's which is why books like John Gray's Men are from Mars are good. They tend not to take criticism easily 
and their tendency is to counterattack. 

You need to start out with compliments and how much you love him, making points delicately yet clearly. Note that some people with great accomplishments had Asperger's- chessplayer Bobby Fischer who defeated three Russians in their great chess machine probably had it. (A woman came over to him after a game and said great win, he replied that's true, but how would you know that.) 

Asperger's patients tend to like to read and analyze, so if you find a good book, that may be good. Men like exchange and deals, (that's seomthing that is clear) you might want to see if you can accept one of his suggestins in exchange for him taking one of your yours.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...wrongplanet is an Aspie forum - which might be useful.

...I noticed that you mentioned PPD with your son. Was that paranoid personality disorder? If it is, considering that there's a high tendency towards co-morbid traits, your husband may have a point regarding BPD/NPD. Please consider looking at your own behavior. Women with personality disorders tend to diagnose their husbands with Aspergers, a lot. (Heck, I suspect it is not even that uncommon in women without personality disorders.) Just out of curiosity, why does he say you ruin major events? It is just him projecting his own behavior, you picking fights, or you cancelling at the last minute?

...Asperger's itself is essentially autism with high verbal functioning. It varies a lot in severity and in the type of issues it causes. The most common issues are explosive meltdowns, difficulties bonding, problems with communication, rigidity, low empathy, and executive dysfunction. Oh, and depression. And, um, either low or high emotional arousal. Oh, and black and white thinking. Asperger's itself is significantly overdiagnosed. The issue is that _a lot_ of people have Aspie traits - but relatively few have the degree of impairment necessary to qualify for diagnosis.

...dealing with Asperger's itself is, in my opinion, relatively easy. The first step is to understand and accept your spouse's limitations. (Eg, they may need a lot of time to destress and be obsessed with some sort of special interest. Just live with it. Communication will be hard. They may not need emotional connection - so you'll need a stronger friend network than normal.) Basically, being an Aspie doesn't change - so it is not a matter of him changing xyz about himself - it is about you categorizing xyz and figuring out whether and/or how you can live with it. 

The second step is to use simple, clear communication - possibly involving written communication - at times when both of you are calm. (By the way, just a good habit in marriage in general. If you think this is a giant imposition, you are probably the main problem.) Logic will often be more effective than emotion. Also, don't assume an ability to empathize. For example, my wife rather tearfully apologized for attacking me with a bat, once she finally understood that (a) it hurt my feelings and that (b) could potentially have injured me. Before that, she really didn't understand why I was upset. OTOH, my wife's empathy level is relatively low for an Aspie. The main idea is to make things easy to process for your spouse.

Being with an Aspie isn't that hard. It can be frustrating and lonely, but, eh, they also tend to be honest, so there's real pluses. As long as you're fairly self-reliant, being married to an Aspie isn't necessarily terrible.

...however, dealing with associated co-morbid mental issues is more difficult. The problem is that people with Aspergers have a smaller mental toolbox to deal with life - and are prone to developing associated mental issues. Avoidance and anxiety disorders are common. BPD/NPD is also somewhat prevalent. From a purely anecdotal opinion, one distinguishing factor, since Aspies are typically not good at interpersonal communication, is that - conflict-prone Aspies of both sexes are likely to be significantly more violent and abusive than conflict-prone NTs. And some Aspies do tend to project their own failing onto their significant others.

...one option is running as rapidly as possible. It is a valid option and one you should consider carefully.

...bear in mind that, at least from your posts so far, it isn't clear to me that your husband is the only problem. Also, the fact that your husband is going to therapy is actually a pretty good sign. Diagnosable NPDs, for example, are unlikely to attend therapy. So far, at least, your complaints about your husband aren't really consistent with the problem being Aspergers. He could easily be an Aspie - but it seems that the main problem is that he is mean and abusive. My experience is that abusive Aspies are a bit more likely to respond to logic than your average abusive NT - so you might try communication there.

...the reality, however, is that you can't change your husband and he can't change being an Aspie. He may someday change some abusive behaviors. The best way to start is by changing your own behavior.

Boundaries - by Townsend is useful - even if you're uncomfortable with the Christian side of the book.

Asperger's in long-term R/S is useful.

Alone Together - Making an Asperger's Marriage Work is also a decent reference.

One possibility would be to read those books and change your behavior accordingly. (The advice in Aspie marriage books is mostly geared at the spouse adapting...) Whether or not he's an Aspie, the advice is good. And, maintaining firm boundaries is just a good idea in general. After you've made sure that your side of the street is clean, it will be sensible to ask for changes. (My viewpoint is towards women complaining about their Aspie spouses is somewhat jaundiced...given the amount of time my wife spent projecting her inability to spend time with our child onto me.)

It could also be good for you both to pick up a book on non-violent communication because it seems that neither of you is particularly good at managing confrontation.

Longer-term, unless either of you is actually pathological, it usually works better to focus on behaviors to change instead of convincing the other person that their behavior is unacceptable because they're crazy. My rule is that, if it involves changing _my behavior_, then looking at pathological traits in my spouse is kind of ok. However, if it involves asking my spouse to change, then it is best to focus on the actual behavior instead of making assumptions about the crazy underlying the behavior. (heh)

--Argyle
*So, if I suspect Aspie traits in my spouse, reading a book on Aspies and changing how I present problems to her makes sense. Or, if I suspect Aspie traits in myself, researching books on how Aspies tend to impact their partners...is sensible.

However, if my wife, for example, is sleeping until noon, overdosing on sleeping pills to the point of vomiting all over the bathroom every night, and leaving the vomit on the floor instead of cleaning it up...then I have a discussion about why that behavior is problematic. (kids, smells bad, health risk, tends to wake me up...) And the consequences if the behavior doesn't change (bye, taking the kids and the dog and living elsewhere.) And some problem-solving (let's visit your psychiatrist, get back on the anti-anxiety stuff, and get some advice on sleep hygiene. And, not, eg, wasting time talking about her motivations (depressed, anxious, lonely).


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

> You need to start out with compliments and how much you love him,


Remember to include the work they do. People take pride in their work, so showing appreciation for the work they do is always nice.



> The issue is that _a lot_ of people have Aspie traits - but relatively few have the degree of impairment necessary to qualify for diagnosis.


IMO, you don't have autism if your behavior is easily fixed with drugs. I'll use myself as the example. A lot of my aspie traits flat out disappeared after taking certain medications, mainly citalopram, fluoxetine, and phenelzine. That includes things like the lack of eye contact, poor verbal communication, and needing things to be ordered.

People with real autism can't be easily fixed with drugs. Rather than a simple chemical imbalance, the overall structure of their brain is whack. Studies have shown that drugs like fluoxetine (Prozac) lessen some of the behavioral problems of autism, but the autism is still there. My gf's brother is on antipsychotics just so he's a bit more agreeable, but he's still autistic.


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