# When do you stop asking questions and let it go?



## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

This has been my issue for a long, long time. Once again, I'm at my breaking point because I want to ask my H some more questions. What can I say, because OW is across the street questions for me do come up pretty easily.

My H will say he's going to talk to me but months will go by and still no talking, then I explode and he's like you need to just move on, let it go, it's not healthy, quit asking the same questions, blah, blah, blah... granted he has answered questions but I still have more. He doesn't want to hear about it anymore. Personally, I think it's because he hasn't told the complete truth and doesn't want to keep talking about it and let something slip. I don't know just my feeling.

Is it so wrong of me to ask and get his help? When do you finally stop asking questions??? 

I don't know perhaps I'll never let it go.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

Keep asking. My wife told me the same things. People would tell me it was happening and i didnt want to believe it. But i kept asking and finally she broke and gave in. she told me that she was. she said she didnt wanna say cause it would hurt me. I told her i would rather be hurt then lied to. Please keep asking. it is ur right.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

fairydust.. 

embrace this opportunity with your husband. here's what i'd recommend... 

my wife and I were separated a couple years ago due to marital problems (DUH) .. during this time, she had encountered another man and I another woman. they were both individually short flings however she and the OM moved in with each other. (she and I have children as well that I'd go see frequently and take places etc. during this time)

well as it worked out, the OM got jealous and thought she was cheating on him with her husband (IRONIC isnt it ? LOL). . at any rate, she would call me crying cuz he was rotten, and realized what she was missing (and I the same) and eventually after about 6 or 7 months of this nastiness the other people were sent on their way and she and I began putting our marriage together.

(now fast forward about 3 yrs) 
I still had a bunch of un answered questions. every once in a while i'd drop one here or there and she'd answer them, but I could tell she was reserved about it. So it began..

I said... "we should have an open and honestty session..". her reply was "I don't think that's a good idea becasue you may ask questions in which the answer could be hurtful (and vice versa)"

my response was simply this.. "dont ask me any questions you dont really want to know the answer to and i promise i won't answer your questions in a hurtful way, however the answers might make you sad".. she agreed to 'take the answer as nothing more than an answer'... the trick to doing this (and if you can't, then wait to have this conversation with your H).. is separating truth from emotion. You have to realize that every question you ask, has a truthful answer that probably would hurt your feelings if you added the emotion. for example.. if you ask him (what's 2 plus 2) and his answer is (4) how do you FEEL.. probably indifferent.. (which is the opposite of love) you have no emotional direction from that answer. you need the same emotional detachment if you're gonna play this game with him. 

MAKE SURE you both agree to not ask any questions you don't really wanna know the answer to. make sure you both have a "red flag" word to toss out if the conversation get's too painful.

most importantly.. whats the significance of knowing the answers to your questions ?? what do you plan to do with this information ?? will it help your long term plans with your H or hinder??

seems as if you now have some inner exploring to do before you explore things with your H.

I hope this helps
mike


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I dont know I think that it could be both that he doesnt want to say or there is just nothing more TO SAY. And he has let it out and is ready to rebuild. And it keeps getting rehashed. I am in the same situation and well its frustrating. When you have it out on the table and you asked already a million times to hear the same thing. But seriously nothing stays a secret and well if you havent herd it now then its all out. cause it ALWAYS comes out. And trust me that women burned across the street would have told you. Just to hurt you.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

In my opinion he has not told you enough, based on your posts he hasn't really answered your questions. Perhaps you can change your tactic and consider why you need to know and tell him. 

I am in the same boat as you. I discovered the affair because I asked questions, and got lies. Based on his lies, I became very suspicious and snooped on his computer and confirmed what I already knew to be true. What did he do when confronted, lied even with proof. Then admitted to as little as he thought he could get away with and continued to lie. His excuse was he didn't want to hurt me. I told him that he didn't lie for me, he made a poor decision which further hurt me only to protect himself because he thought it would be too much and I would leave him and he was ashamed. True. He agreed. 

So where do we go from here, little by little he gave me more information. So I do not know if there is more to tell or not. Mind you the affair went on for 6 months. 

So every question I have, I ask myself why do I need to know. When I can answer that, then I ask him the question and tell him why its important that I know. Its helped, he's answered more. I also don't ask every little tiny detail either, even though I want to know. I pick my questions and save just the important ones. I also try not repeat the question because if he is being honest I don't want to doubt him by asking him over and over. There is one question that I do ask again and again, "what more have you not told me". I have also explained that when I asked that before he told me "nothing" and its not true, more came out later and his answer was a lie so this is the reason I keep asking. In our case, he does understand why and does not get upset when I ask. 

I think our need to know is that one cannot every apologize without 1) being truly sorry for hurting the other and stopping the behavior immediately 2) admitting what happened, confessing 3) accepting full responsibility...there can be no "buts" here. No excuses! 4) Making amends 5) asking forgiveness. And I think ourneed to know stems from not having step #2 met. To me, if you don't admit what happened how can you accept responsibility, make amends, or ask forgiveness. Its not like just admitting to the affair covers all basis. Like I told him. You told another woman "I love you" whether that was a lie to her or not, its a major betrayal to me. This is separate from the physical affair. This is a separate incident which requires all the same steps. This was one thing he flat denied saying, later came out and said "yes I said that to her but it was to keep her around, I never meant it". So how do I believe that? See by lying, he wasn't truly sorry...

If he's not sorry, I have nothing more to say. Now that has been resolved, its hurtful but he's admitted to it. My problem is, what else is there that he has not admitted to. So for me, I will keep asking the questions. I now know the answer to your question for me. I will quit asking, when I am satisfied, IF I ever am. If he doesn't like it, he can find the door on his own. I feel its my right. He's asking me for my trust again after several major betrayals (one affair but lots of incidents tied to it) and so I am not stupid enough to blindly trust. You have to earn it, and if he truly wants to he will answer the questions. 

I never ask a question I don't want to know the answer to.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

A,

Best post on this thread, yes its her right to know the most intimate details. If he is not responding, the trust/comfort level will never be there.

There is no timeframe until you are satisfied.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

Thanks everyone.

The one thing you asked is to ask myself why I need to know some of things I want to know and how will it make a difference. This is one thing our MC asked me. I don't know, I'm like one of those people who need to know everything. I want my T's crossed and my I'd dotted.

One thing that bothers me and I'm not sure I ever expressed it here was about 3 months prior to his last A with the neighbor he had a brief fling. I had lost a baby when I was about 3 months pregnant and a few weeks later I found out he had a affair with some girl he met at the bar. Apparently dated for 2 weeks and she gave him a BJ. This I found out from a phone call I made to her friend who's number was on my H's cell phone. He denied, denied, denied and then 3 months later this 7 month A with the neighbor. Sadly, we cried and cried after the 1st A I found out about. I don't get how he could turn around and cheat again so soon and for so long. I really don't feel like I have an answer to that.

Past history, he had drug and alcohol addictions and often stayed out late with his friends. A number of his friends were many years younger then him. I truely believe now that he was probably cheating back then but I have no proof. He won't confess to anything that I don't have proof about but I feel in my heart there's much more to know.

I want confirmation that I wasn't crazy that what I think was going on was indeed.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I think your last sentence answers the why. You are trying to put enough pieces of the puzzle to determine he cheated before or he did not. You lack the information to make a determination either way. If that is the case, I think it will drive you a bit crazy until you learn enough. 

This is just my opinion, but all of you have read how each of us feels when we are betrayed. There are lots of tears, anguish, and if there are children they too are hurt. I can speak for myself and say that I have suffered a great deal, and my H sees it. He says he hates that he did this to me. So seeing me like this, and when/if I recover, for him to do it again is unforgivable. For me there is one chance. Repeat offense means they aren't truly sorry...again that's just my thoughts...


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

A

I do feel like he couldn't been sorry when he turned right around and did it again and yet claims nothing was wrong with our relationship and drugs or alcohol didn't play a part. There has to be something or maybe I'm just looking at a person who only cares about themselves and what they wanted. I know he's sorry this time but I often think he's only sorry because he got caught. Really he didn't get caught, he wasn't expecting her to tell her H and he surely didn't confess on his own will.

I guess that's what kinda scary, I feel it's been going on probably our entire relationship.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

Well this is what I think when a spouse cheats and the truth comes out and you both decide to work things out it is the cheaters responsibility to rebuild the trust they have broken they need to have an open book policy E-mail, phone records, and time accountability are what they need to give and not to there desire but to the one that has been hurt satisfaction this is very important if this doesnt happen then your relationship may not survive for trust is the foundation to any relationship I know this from pure experience when my wife cheated she didnt do one thing to help rebiuld my trust the out come was i became even more suspicious of her activiies she would hide her phone come home late without explination how is any one to be convinced an affair is done if the cheater doesnt do a good job proving it that is the least they can do for what they have done suspition leads to worry and to worry all the makes you feel anctious and that is a horrible place to be let me tell you I really think you need to see a councelor as soon as possible god luck


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I got to say I come at this from a slightly different angle.

Does anyone really think that thier significant other is attracted to a private investigator, or that having someone always waiting to check up on them is the kind of attention they they were lacking befor the affair.

I though the first rule about affairs is that its a symptom, not a desease, meaning that if you think you are doing everything you think you should, you need to consider if you are doing everything your PARTNER thinks you should.

People change constantly thru life and what the need from a partner changes too.

Guy's, paying the bills and comming home every night is NOT enough.

Girls putting out every once in a while and cleaning the house is NOT enough.

You need to talk to your partner until you know them well enough to find out what kind of things they need to keep them happy in a relationship, it may not be what you expect.

And I can gaurentee its not to snoop around them jelously for years at a time.

Everyone needs friends, of both sexes.

We need people to talk to about our relationships that are not in the relationship. A man needs another womans perspective on what his wife is like and a woman needs the same, its all healthy.

Boundries must be respected, but everyone needs some independance.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

_*Boundries must be respected, but everyone needs some independance.*_

Ah boundaries yes...but those seem to be the problem in the first place...Crossing them that is.


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> So seeing me like this, and when/if I recover, for him to do it again is unforgivable. For me there is one chance. Repeat offense means they aren't truly sorry...again that's just my thoughts...


I also said this to my H. And both agreed that if he ever does it again, then it means that he and I will go our separate ways.


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## Merced (Sep 14, 2008)

There's a fine line between asking questions you NEED to know (so that you can try and process it and move on) vs. obsessing, or getting information that will really not benefit you in any other way.

In the end, try and be as rational as possible and ask yourself real hard if the question/s will really benefit you or not.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Move. You are incredible to be able to be in the same neighborhood. I wouldn't have the strength. No, I'm not crazy. Move.


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## Mr. R (May 5, 2009)

Staying with anyone who cheats even once is a great way to obliterate one's self respect. That most intimate of trust is a line that no one will ever cross with me without consequences, chief among them being my total removal from their life. 

My best advice: never tolerate even a single betrayal of intimate trust, EVER. 

As I once heard a quote in a college class, "Let justice be done though the heavens should fall."


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

MERCED: One question I have is that I feel be probably had many affairs throughout our relationship but he won't confess. Heck he denied two that I do know about only until there was enough evidence that he couldn't deny any longer.

Also during his affair with OW he gave her a STD that I had prior to meeting him. One day while the A was going on she said something to be about someone she knew who was pregnant and had herpes to me. She was wondering how that would affect the baby. See I conceived during the A. Oddly, she wouldn't look at me in the face during this conversation, kept looking away. A long time later I finally figured it out that H must have given her the STD. He hasn't answered any question about that even though I have asked him. 

That's one question I still have.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

StillIshock

I do want to move but we have a lot of credit card debt right now and don't think we'd be able to. 

My H doesn't see a need to move. The A is over so I should be OK with living here if you ask him.

He claims we'll move in a few years. I doubt that unless I move alone which looks like it might be headed that direction. 

I'm pretty much at a loss anymore. No emotional connection or anything... I'm wiped out!!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

fairydust said:


> StillIshock
> 
> I do want to move but we have a lot of credit card debt right now and don't think we'd be able to.
> 
> ...


Yes that money business certainly gets in the way. But there may truly be a way. Maybe just for your sanity check out some places. See what's out there. Whether its for you our together. Give yourself a picture of the possibility. I think I'm really talking to myself here - sorry if its too harsh. I'm in the same boat.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

I am ready to move without him. 

Two years since I found out about the A and everyday when I see her I wish something horrible would happen to her.

I'm finally completely disguested that my H didn't care enough about me in the 3 years since the A ended to even try and help us move. How convenient for him.... as long as it doesn't bother him it's not important how much sanity I lost during the process.

I can finally say I've done all I could and am feeling actually pretty good about leaving on my own. I can't say I didn't give it my all.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds to me like you have your answer. Trust your gut. Your real, humbled, and honest gut.


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## Merced (Sep 14, 2008)

fairydust said:


> MERCED: One question I have is that I feel be probably had many affairs throughout our relationship but he won't confess. Heck he denied two that I do know about only until there was enough evidence that he couldn't deny any longer.
> 
> Also during his affair with OW he gave her a STD that I had prior to meeting him. One day while the A was going on she said something to be about someone she knew who was pregnant and had herpes to me. She was wondering how that would affect the baby. See I conceived during the A. Oddly, she wouldn't look at me in the face during this conversation, kept looking away. A long time later I finally figured it out that H must have given her the STD. He hasn't answered any question about that even though I have asked him.
> 
> That's one question I still have.


It sounds like he is not going to commit to truly putting this behind and being honest and open. Unfortunately, I think it's nearly impossible to move on in this kind of relationship if 100% isn't given by both H and W. Good luck if you decide to move on.


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Sorry but... Yes, I keep asking questions also but understand why he can't talk about it. My 'take' is this... NO ONE wants to admit they are selfish, stupid, egotisical, narssistic, (poor spellers), or donkey's behinds! Who wants to put it out there that (at any age) they made the biggest mistake ever & can't believe that actually throught they could get away with it & not get caught?!


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to...you just get hurt even more.

But the one thing I've found, from experience, is that sometimes people just keep asking questions wanting different or more answers even when there isn't anything else there. My ex used to just keep trying to dig even when there wasn't anything else to be said, she wasn't satisfied with the answers, even though they were honest and complete...she always felt there was something else there.

Maybe you're looking for something that isn't there

Preacher


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## Hummingburd (Jun 30, 2009)

I have the same issue by continuing to ask questions that I have honestly already asked and gotten answers to. Its like I cannot hear or process and accept what he is saying and let it be reassuring and believe it because the betrayal gets in the way. At least thats How I feel about it, I also feel like he is still holding back and if I keep asking he will break and actually tell me the truth and yet what he could be telling me is honest also. I just am soo mixed up on what to believe anymore....Honestly, I am not sure anymore what is the truth anymore.  He says he loves me and wants to make it work but why does he get mad when I keep looking for reassurance that it wont happen again and that he is not currently doing anyting wrong. I am too needy I suppose!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Mr. R said:


> Staying with anyone who cheats even once is a great way to obliterate one's self respect. That most intimate of trust is a line that no one will ever cross with me without consequences, chief among them being my total removal from their life.
> 
> My best advice: never tolerate even a single betrayal of intimate trust, EVER.
> 
> As I once heard a quote in a college class, "Let justice be done though the heavens should fall."


ahh, yes, but there is a story behind "though the heavens should fall."

The above Latin maxim is often quoted to stress the importance of having justice to be done, as “fiat justitia” means “let justice be done” and it further complimented with “ruat coelum” which means “though the heaven should fall” which is to show the importance of justice to be done disregard of what ever consequence that might await later.

The story behind the maxim is far more interesting, as Lord Denning told us in his book “The Family Story”.

The story goes as someone named PISO passed a death sentence on a soldier for the offence of murdering a person named GAIUS. He ordered a CENTURION (Rome army officer) to execute the guilty found soldier. When the soldier was about to be executed, GAIUS came forward himself and he happened to be alive and well. The CENTURION reported the news to PISO.

PISO instead of discharging the innocent soldier, passed death sentence unto GAIUS and the CENTURION, while maintaining the death sentence on the soldier.

The reason of sentencing the all three to death is because the soldier had already been sentenced, the CENTURION is because he disobeyed the initial order and GAIUS for being the cause of death of two innocent men. PISO then gave excuse “Fiat Justitia, Ruat Coelum-let justice be done, though the heaven shall fall”.

It can be seen that the maxim was originally used as an excuse for a grave injustice and outrages case that had taken place, yet it is often be quoted when people want to emphasis the grave need of having justice to be done.

**thanks for the wisdom of Muhammad Noor Firdaus, source.


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

mzsmith I agree with you.

I often think he was just sorry he got caught. He would have never told me. She confessed to her H and then he confronted my H. That's how I found out. My H kept saying for a year "I don't know why should would accuse me of that" I knew in my heart it was true and so our relationship went down hill fast. I knew he was lying and to lie for an entire year just sucked.

I've since decided I need to leave the relationship. I have questions about our entire relationship and he doesn't want to be bothered with any questions. He always sucked at communication. 

I just wanted a fresh start to our relationship. I wanted the truth to be out in the open. I've lost the emotional connection now and really don't have any desire to continue living my life with him.

My H was the one insisting we couldn't move right now. We do have major credit card debt but we could have at least tried. Its now been 3 years since the A ended. I think he could have done alot more to try and get me out of this hell hole I live in but he didn't. I think that shows what he really feels about me. 

He doesn't. It's always been and still is all about him. My feelings are not even considered in my opinion.


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