# Any hope for change?



## Meltdown (Mar 23, 2013)

Only just found this forum, but signed up in desperate search of an outlet with people who understand.

Last fall, my wife of 6 years cheated on me. It was a brief occurrence... probably only a couple weeks from first meeting to sexual meetup (and only a few days after that before I figured it out). I was absolutely shattered. We are stark personality opposites and have always had our little rough days, but in the end we could at least always trust each other or so I thought.

Turns out our mismatch of sexual interests (i'm pretty... 'boring', you might say, while her interests are anything but) was more severe than I thought. After months of crippling depression and a painful degree of tension in the house, with counseling and time I came to have hope for reconciliation... and even to forgive her for what she'd done.

By the holidays we seemed to be doing enough better that I even agreed to cancel the remainder of the MC. Fast forward to March.... she is now almost 3 months pregnant... and I have learned in the past couple of days that she has begun cheating again - slightly before and now during the pregnancy. So far, this consists of an online long distance sexual relationship... and an R-rated lunch date w/benefits (with a different individual than the online relationship). The lunch date would likely have been X rather than R, I think, given a more private setting and less pregnancy nausea.

I have not yet confronted her about the lunch date, but since learning of it I've been overwhelmingly depressed, and my trust for her feels completely destroyed. Should I have any hope that she can change? I love this woman, but I cannot live with someone who will continually break my heart like this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pregnant, you say? Yes.. but by whom?


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## Meltdown (Mar 23, 2013)

I feel probably 90% confident that the baby is mine... around the time that conception must have happened, I don't think she was up to anything, and we were together (and out of town) virtually 24/7 for that period of time... so there was very little opportunity for it to have been anyone else.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

You said it! "You cannot love with someone who will continually break your heart." So it is up to you to end this relationship. Cheating is definitely a big NO for me in a relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Divorce her, you now see that she is a dedicated cheaterwho neither loves nor values you .

Demand a DNA test on the child because cant be trusted to tell the truth. Sorry, but if she finds you an unworthy sexual partner it is most likely not yours. Women's bodies will favor sperm from the partners they value. You wife is a slvt and does not value you.

My advice: expose both your cheating wife and the lowlife men she is with, and DNA test the child. If it is yours, seek sole custody.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Well obviously she didn't take you catching her the first time seriously. Why is that? You have to be willing to end your marriage to save it.... And she needs real consequences.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Meltdown said:


> I feel probably 90% confident that the baby is mine... around the time that conception must have happened, I don't think she was up to anything, and we were together (and out of town) virtually 24/7 for that period of time... so there was very little opportunity for it to have been anyone else.


You still want to reconcile with this woman?

Dude get a prenatal DNA test and leave her regardless of what the results show.


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## Meltdown (Mar 23, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> You still want to reconcile with this woman?
> 
> Dude get a prenatal DNA test and leave her regardless of what the results show.


I'm not sure I want to reconcile again. I don't know if I could survive that process a 2nd time. In this case I was just responding to the question about the baby being someone else's.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I'm betting a dollar to a donut this baby isn't from your seed. 

Even if it is yours - get the he!! outta there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

old timer said:


> I'm betting a dollar to a donut this baby isn't from your seed.
> 
> Even if it is yours - get the he!! outta there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is most likely the case. OP, you also probably should consider getting your testosterone checked.

What was it sexually that your wife wanted to do that you didn't, swing?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*Topic: Any hope for change?*

No

T


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> OP, you also probably should consider getting your testosterone checked.


Dunno Mach - are undescended testicles capable of producing T?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get DNA testing so you do not have to be stuck paying 18 years for someone else's child.
2. Get tested for STD's.
3. Find a good lawyer immediately.

She clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Meltdown said:


> I feel probably *90% confident* that the baby is mine... around the time that conception must have happened,* I don't think she was up to anything*, and we were together (and out of town) virtually 24/7 for that period of time... so there was very little opportunity for it to have been anyone else.


She's cheated on you god how many times and you never thought she would do that. I think you're grasping at straws because you want to R and this would be the straw that breaks the camels back. If I were you you can't afford to take anything at face value anymore. 

Seeing she stopped and did it again, shows she's not remorseful for the first time it happened. More likely she will do it again, maybe not now she's pregnant, but when the baby is born, the pressure of life upon her and she needs that excitement in her life, what do you think will happen?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Meltdown said:


> I feel probably 90% confident that the baby is mine... around the time that conception must have happened, I don't think she was up to anything, and we were together (and out of town) virtually 24/7 for that period of time... so there was very little opportunity for it to have been anyone else.


But unfortunately you really don't know. You are married to a serial cheater, and your sexual needs / desires are pretty much polar opposites as you have stated. How is that going to work if you move forward with W ?

I say start the 180 now, start working on yourself, file for D, and have the kid DNA tested ASAP after birth (unless there are options out there for doing it before birth?)


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Just the idea that my swimmers and another man's swimmers where possibly swimming together during conception on one of my children would have sent me over the edge!!! I have read that they battle any foreign swimmers when they encounter them...its all of a matter of who was there first to set up defenses!!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

If it is yours, don't be a deadbeat Dad! But I hope it's not yours - for your sake. You don't want to be tied to this woman for the next 18 years.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm sorry you're here. 

There is no hope for this marriage. Staying with her will only embolden her behavior. Get out now before she starts conditioning you to like it.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Whatever you decide to do about this, you need legal advice now just to get an idea what the rights and responsiblities could be.

90% chance the babys yours--you dont really want those kind of odds on something like this. DNA test to make sure.


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## Meltdown (Mar 23, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I'm very sorry you're in this situation, Meltdown, but I agree wholeheartedly with all the other posters. If getting caught last year and going through the MC didn't stop her from cheating again (and AGAIN), then she's more than likely never going to stop. You'll end up paranoid - with good reason - for the entirety of the relationship. Plus, you're setting yourself up for STD's.
> 
> It's very unfortunate that she's pregnant. I'm pretty sure that's what's really holding you back from just outright dumping her *ss right now. But like the others have said - there's a good possibility the baby isn't yours, and even if it is, you still won't have a marriage. You might as well file for divorce now, get all your tests (DNA, STD, HIV . . . ), and get off this crazy train.


I'm already paranoid... even before I knew. As you say... the only reason she was not instantly divorced the second I knew is because of the pregnancy. That and sheer horror/disbelief that I've wound up in this situation.

I'm scared out of my mind that the best outcome I can now expect is apparently an ugly divorce, possibly with single fatherhood of an infant.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Even if this outcome occurs it is better than letting her destroy the rest of your life. We all make mistakes and your mistake was marrying the wrong person. Do not allow her to destroy your self-esteem, manhood and put your at great risk for STD's. You deserve better. Good luck.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

> I'm scared out of my mind that the best outcome I can now expect is apparently an ugly divorce, possibly with single fatherhood of an infant.


Try to look beyond that. See a future with you meeting a wonderful woman who won't cheat on you, maybe a relationship with a sweet son or daughter that you can cherish. If this baby is not yours, then you have a future including children with no tainted relationship with this woman.

You are worthy of being loved (unless you're a abusive spousebeater in which case you are only worthy of being left out tied up in the desert heat and slowly eaten by ants).

The only other alternative is continued marriage to a woman who has no remorse for repeatedly ripping your heart to pieces and laughing at you as she tramples on them, and who will undoubtedly do it again, over and over.

Give your heart to someone who deserves it.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Meltdown said:


> I'm already paranoid... even before I knew. As you say... the only reason she was not instantly divorced the second I knew is because of the pregnancy. That and sheer horror/disbelief that I've wound up in this situation.
> 
> I'm scared out of my mind that the best outcome I can now expect is apparently an ugly divorce, possibly with single fatherhood of an infant.


Ask her to leave and file D. It will be the only way to work things out one way or the other. Filing D does not mean you actually D but it puts everything on the table once and for all.

Do you want live your life like this,


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