# Husband wants to do couples costume with female coworker???



## Limoncello (Oct 28, 2020)

A few days ago my husband (we’re in our mid-20’s) asked how I’d feel if he did a couples costume with a coworker for their Halloween party (employees only). I had a feeling I knew who he was referring to but I asked anyway and what costume they’d do. He said it would be (insert female coworker here) and they would be a certain celebrity couple, since they could just do name tags.
I was honestly shocked. I asked if he talked to her about it and who’s idea it was (yes and it was his). I ended up leaving the house for a couple of hours because I just couldn’t even process. It hurt me that he would even bring up the idea, it makes me uncomfortable that he would want to pretend to be another woman’s boyfriend, and in front of all his coworkers.
On top of that he got upset that I left the house instead of talking to him right away, and said “that’s now how this marriage is going to work,” as if he wasn’t totally inconsiderate and I deserve my space whenever I want it?
It just took me off guard. Casually bringing up topics we’ve already discussed (being faithful, how he acts around other women, him claiming he’s “always looking out for my best interest,” specifically him getting involved in other women’s love lives and how it crosses my boundaries), but taking them a step further every time. From getting involved when his worker was interested in another coworker, to setting her up with his friend, to planning a couples costume?!)
I just feel stuck and I don’t know where to go from here. It doesn’t feel innocent or like something a husband should even consider much less talk to his coworker about and ask my permission.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would never do that to my wife. Especially if there has been other issues before this.

You love your husband, are you sure your husband loves you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime ones significant other doesn’t care what they do that makes their mate uncomfortable, there’s a problem. Had he been dating you and thus kind of bs took place, what would you have done?
He’s being disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings. You are right to feel bad about this. I sure as hell would.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It doesn't sound like you have been married very long and no kids?

Might be a good time to dissolve the marriage if he will not make real changes and grow up.

Boys shouldn't get married or be taken seriously by women at all.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

From what you are implying there appears to be some history between him and this woman. 
I wonder if this party piece is their way of going public with their relationship, at least at work.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If that’s how your marriage is going to go — no.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why would you go to a party your spouse was excluded from. That is not very considetate. If my spouse is not allowed im not going. When you are married you are a package deal.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Who wears the scarlet letter?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Seems to be a trend these days, people like to have their work husbands and work wives, and act accordingly while at work - they say it's only at work so it's not infidelity. Like, ok.

Pffft!



Evinrude58 said:


> *Anytime ones significant other doesn’t care what they do that makes their mate uncomfortable, there’s a problem*. Had he been dating you and thus kind of bs took place, what would you have done?
> He’s being disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings. You are right to feel bad about this. I sure as hell would.


Pretty much this. Regardless of anyone's opinion of whether it's right or wrong - even if I found something acceptable to me but it's not acceptable to my partner I simply do not do it because this is the sacrifice I am willing to make to make her happy and vice versa. THIS should be the standard of all relationships.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not something I would do to my wife. I mean maybe if the lady looked like a tugboat or something and the dress up was obviously innocent.....but I’m guessing that isn’t the case.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I have plenty of work friends of both genders and am pretty laid-back about a lot of things, but the idea of a married man and his female coworker doing a couple's costume seems really weird and unacceptable to me. That's super flirty and way out of line. And the fact that he's blowing off your feelings is even MORE out of line. Maybe a few MC sessions are in order to clarify expectations and boundaries?


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Few things....
1st
so you have a feeling something isn’t right...


Limoncello said:


> I had a feeling I knew who he was referring to


TRUST YOUR GUT!

2nd
A party now.... seems a bit tone def with Covid & all. With all the outrage over acting like Covid isn’t real.... just doesn't seem like something an employer would want to be part of, even off its just employees... so say it’s just a theme/costume day... the fact that it’s a couple he wants to go as seems off. it really cements the work husband/wife image... awkward to say the least...

3rd 
He doesn’t care how you feel but gets upset about how you react when he upsets & dismisses you.... generally that seems like a narc trait but given the subject matter... it’s a a pretty big red flag.


Limoncello said:


> it makes me uncomfortable that he would want to pretend to be another woman’s boyfriend, and in front of all his coworkers.
> 
> On top of that he got upset that I left the house instead of talking to him right away, and said “that’s now how this marriage is going to work,” as if he wasn’t totally inconsiderate and I deserve my space whenever I want it?


Advice tell him that with the recent spike in COVID cases you don’t feel comfortable with him going to the party at all. And to go to the party with any one dressed as two people that hill have to stand close to each other for picture (which they will) is not advised. Don’t make it about her because you ”would still feel the same if he was going with his co-worker Joe and dressed as the Blue Brothers”... Make it about you, him, your family, and health! 

you could always post a generic (not about him, but in general) poll on your social media asking friends and family if they would be ok with .... paint the picture of male/male or female/female duo costumes at a work party ... point out the spike in Covid cases, (if in the us) people going to political rallies and/or polling locations (you don’t know if other people have been exposed)... all this just as we are heading in to the holiday season.. trust me you would get a response...


If he persists.... then you know it’s about her


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Establish boundaries this very minute. Your H is running his work life like he is in high school. You tell your H this is how the marriage is going to work. Boundaries. Time for some marital counseling.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Next, he'll be the rear half of a pony costume with her.

She won't have pants on inside, all night. He'll have his head right where he wants it, only coming up for a beer.

This will be the next episode unless you square him away. Bet on it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If it is employees only then it should be a lunch dinner etc. Nothing after hours. Fact they have party that spouses are forbiden to attend means this company is not pro family. I wonder if the bosses are messing around with employees and do not want their wives to find out so they can say spouses are not allowed. Think about it. Usually alot of alcohol flowing. Female employees getting drunk w/o husbands and end up falling prey to the bosses who bed their drunk employee. People should be proactively protecting their marriages....this includes not going to parties your spouse is forbidden to attend. Me thinks this job is a Payton Place with alot of sordid affairs going on.

I would say he is not going if spouse is nit allowed. The fact he wanted to do this is very, very disrespectful of you in my book.

I did not even have bachelor party or go to the club with my buddies because the woman i wanted was at home. Im not going to the club when my woman is home, im not tgere to pick up another one so why go? Same for parties after hours with co-workers where spouses are not permitted to attend. This is just wrong.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> If it is employees only then it should be a lunch dinner etc. Nothing after hours. Fact they have party that spouses are forbiden to attend means this company is not pro family. I wonder if the bosses are messing around with employees and do not want their wives to find out so they can say spouses are not allowed. Think about it. Usually alot of alcohol flowing. Female employees getting drunk w/o husbands and end up falling prey to the bosses who bed their drunk employee. People should be proactively protecting their marriages....this includes not going to parties your spouse is forbidden to attend. Me thinks this job is a Payton Place with alot of sordid affairs going on.
> 
> I would say he is not going if spouse is nit allowed. The fact he wanted to do this is very, very disrespectful of you in my book.
> 
> I did not even have bachelor party or go to the club with my buddies because the woman i wanted was at home. Im not going to the club when my woman is home, im not tgere to pick up another one so why go? Same for parties after hours with co-workers where spouses are not permitted to attend. This is just wrong.


There are many workplaces that have parties just for staff. And it doesn't mean that they are staff only to facilitate cheating among staff members. Geez.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> There are many workplaces that have parties just for staff. And it doesn't mean that they are staff only to facilitate cheating among staff members. Geez.


As i said during work hours is fine. I would not go to an after hours party my spouse was excluded from. I believe it would be disrespectful of the spouse to go to one without their SO period. But then again my wife and i have more old fashioned views that came from a time when there was less screwing around and spouses protected their marriages and truely cared for each other.

I have been to parties in big corp where wives there alone went home with other men in mgmt. When the dinner and door prizes were over and the music and drinking really started wife and i left. Heard about the fall out after the fact.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

At some point we should talk about the spouse not invited thing. As for this thread if Mrs. N wants to dress up with her EAP as Harry and Meghan, Well that just lets me know what she thinks of me.
She thinks I'm an idiot.
She doesn't care how I feel.
She's halfway out the door.

And that is exactly the message Limoncello's husband just sent her. 
Now why did he send this message? That one has me really wondering.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Next, he'll be the rear half of a pony costume with her.
> 
> She won't have pants on inside, all night. He'll have his head right where he wants it, only coming up for a beer.
> 
> This will be the next episode unless you square him away. Bet on it.


LOL.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> As i said during work hours is fine. I would not go to an after hours party my spouse was excluded from. I believe it would be disrespectful of the spouse to go to one without their SO period. But then again my wife and i have more old fashioned views that came from a time when there was less screwing around and spouses protected their marriages and truely cared for each other.
> 
> I have been to parties in big corp where wives there alone went home with other men in mgmt. When the dinner and door prizes were over and the music and drinking really started wife and i left. Heard about the fall out after the fact.


That's a bit of a stretch. Lots of companies have staff only events, both during the day and after hours. My husband's is one of them. Its a huge, international company.

I'm in my late 40's and hubby in his early 50's, so we're not from the generation that doesn't seem to care.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This problem comes around every couple of years and it's always the husband who wants to 'couple' up with a female coworker for Halloween.

Tell him flat out that you won't stand for it. If he wants to pretend he is part of another couple, then he can pack his bags and hit the road. He sounds very immature. He obviously wasn't ready for marriage.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Next, he'll be the rear half of a pony costume with her.
> 
> She won't have pants on inside, all night. He'll have his head right where he wants it, only coming up for a beer.
> 
> This will be the next episode unless you square him away. Bet on it.


😆👍


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## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

Limoncello said:


> A few days ago my husband (we’re in our mid-20’s) asked how I’d feel if he did a couples costume with a coworker for their Halloween party (employees only). I had a feeling I knew who he was referring to but I asked anyway and what costume they’d do. He said it would be (insert female coworker here) and they would be a certain celebrity couple, since they could just do name tags.
> I was honestly shocked. I asked if he talked to her about it and who’s idea it was (yes and it was his). I ended up leaving the house for a couple of hours because I just couldn’t even process. It hurt me that he would even bring up the idea, it makes me uncomfortable that he would want to pretend to be another woman’s boyfriend, and in front of all his coworkers.
> On top of that he got upset that I left the house instead of talking to him right away, and said “that’s now how this marriage is going to work,” as if he wasn’t totally inconsiderate and I deserve my space whenever I want it?
> It just took me off guard. Casually bringing up topics we’ve already discussed (being faithful, how he acts around other women, him claiming he’s “always looking out for my best interest,” specifically him getting involved in other women’s love lives and how it crosses my boundaries), but taking them a step further every time. From getting involved when his worker was interested in another coworker, to setting her up with his friend, to planning a couples costume?!)
> I just feel stuck and I don’t know where to go from here. It doesn’t feel innocent or like something a husband should even consider much less talk to his coworker about and ask my permission.


Do you know for sure it’s employees only?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Ahud72 what are you marketing sir?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

That particular book is so old it doesn't need marketing, and it is recommended frequently here.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Drive by poster, and too little information to really make a judgment. However, I don't think the costume thing should be an issue at all (sounds like a harmless and easy costume choice), unless there really is more going on than him being friendly with coworker(s). These are the OP's boundaries, though, and it sounds like they have discussed some of this. IMO, the much larger issue is that he is attending a party where it is unlikely that social distancing will be observed, putting all the attendees at risk.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s totally disrespecting you - right in front of you! And mocking you by asking for your opinion.

he did cross your boundary... what’s the consequence?

he doesn’t seems to take your boundary seriously. Is this the way you want to live forever?... because he obviously isn’t changing - so change is up to you!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Drive by poster, and too little information to really make a judgment. However, I don't think the costume thing should be an issue at all (sounds like a harmless and easy costume choice), unless there really is more going on than him being friendly with coworker(s). These are the OP's boundaries, though, and it sounds like they have discussed some of this. IMO, the much larger issue is that he is attending a party where it is unlikely that social distancing will be observed, putting all the attendees at risk.


Maybe they can dress up as Tweedledee and TweedleDum. They're celebrities, aren't they?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe they can dress up as Tweedledee and TweedleDum. They're celebrities, aren't they?


So are Chip and Dale.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Pelosi and Schumer


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe they can dress up as Tweedledee and TweedleDum. They're celebrities, aren't they?


Or maybe Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> That's a bit of a stretch. Lots of companies have staff only events, both during the day and after hours. My husband's is one of them. Its a huge, international company.
> 
> I'm in my late 40's and hubby in his early 50's, so we're not from the generation that doesn't seem to care.


During business hours fine. Thing is i spend 9-10 hrs a day with coworkers. My free time is for my wife and kids. In my mind if my wife is not invited then neither am I. I dont get someone who would attend a party after hours that their spouse was not welcome at and would question their relationship with their spouse.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Space in a marriage doesn't include disrespect and making your spouse feel unsafe from infidelity.

Have you confirmed with HR that the party is employees only?

IMO you both need to read and discuss the book: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. You'll both be better prepared to discuss the topic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Limoncello How did it go?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> During business hours fine. Thing is i spend 9-10 hrs a day with coworkers. My free time is for my wife and kids. In my mind if my wife is not invited then neither am I. I dont get someone who would attend a party after hours that their spouse was not welcome at and would question their relationship with their spouse.


Absoluely. Too many bad things have happened at office parties where no spouses were invited. Bring drink itot the mix and you can have disaster.


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