# Multible infidelity issues over a long time. How to procede?



## AspenKat (Dec 27, 2014)

Ok this is going to be long, sorry 

My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 2 of them (he never wanted to get married, saw it as pointless). Neither of us had any relationships prior to us. Except for something out of my control when I was 12, we are each others first. I'm 33, he is 38.

I always asked him is he ok with this as he wasn't going to get to experience other women. He always claimed he had a low sex drive and wasn't interested in anyone else. 

My husband met a girl at work in January whom he became instant best friends with. She was a carbon copy of him, all the same likes, dislikes, clothing style, life goals, etc. A little odd but possible.
The friendship with a girl wasn't unusual for him (ill get to that later on) and I was happy he had a friend. He spent plenty of time with her. He mentioned she has the hots for him so i warned him "don't get involved with this girl, i will leave you and she will go crazy on you" (she had done some odd things already). She had talked to him about her ex (turned out he was married and she was the other woman) and how his family claimed she was stalking him. He reassured me he had no interest and that he found her repulsive. 

I got a little nervous with how much he started ignoring me and talking about her so I asked to go on trips with them. Both were super enthusiastic about it. So i let the gut feeling slide. He set her up as a best friend for me since I never had any friends (he was always quick to point out their flaws, make a fuss over me spending time with them etc). This was the first time he was happy about me having a friend. We got on well, she helped with my birthday present (he has always forgotten my birthday in the past), support when my cat was dying of cancer, helping my husbands best friend move house, and i even invited her along on our anniversary dinner since my husband always pitched her as lonely, a little crazy and in need of friends.

At the anniversary dinner she stopped talking to me and stomped off after she finished her food in a bit of a hissy fit. It was after I put my arm in his (he didn't respond) but he played it off on her having a bad day. She was very friendly on the 2 hour drive to the city beforehand.

At the beginning of November he comes home and tells me she broke down at work upset. She thought him working more meant she wouldn't get to see him as much. He seemed disgusted by it. I passed it off as more of her crazy until read an email by her (to him) that said "phone me please, I need to hear your voice". Crap! He continued the "lonely, a little crazy and in need of friends" line as well as the original "she has the hots for me but i'm not interested in her" line. I told him to cut all non-work contact and turn work into professional talk only. He said he told her and she inquired about me being mad at her.
I had the gut feeling something was going on but she was so grossly obese, missfortunate in looks with greasy hair and had a weird ...smell she covered in heavy perfume (which he hates perfume and all girly things) that i never thought he would be involved physically with her. He never spoke highly of her but never was mean either.

He deleted ALL of his emails and txt messages that night so when I went to check for more from her there was nothing. HUGE RED FLAG! I didn't know what to do.

She phoned our house after 2 weeks and so i freaked out that he hadn't told her to stop. I posted on another forum asking for help and they suggested using a deleted txt recovery program. I asked for his phone, he asked why and when I told him he freaked out about privacy and such. He has NEVER had concerns over privacy before so I always trusted him.
He admitted they had kissed a bunch but he basically stood there why she did everything for a few seconds.
That was the start of trickle truthing me for the next 2 days during which we didn't sleep. Basically it was a lot of making out before and after work, and some mutual stuff with hands on bits in the car after helping his best friend move (while my cat was dying of cancer) and her getting naked at her house trying to get him to sleep with her. 

I called my sister for help and he kept shouting out "you told me to stay friends with her", "you made me take her to my friends house moving", "it was your idea to involve her in our anniversary" and so forth while i was on the phone with my sister.

I screamed at him to shut up and i didn't know they were involved. I didn't have all of the info to make an informed decision!

Several more day of talking and so much truth I had to discover on my own. I checked the phone logs to find out he had been calling her everyday before he worked for 1 hour to chat. The day after my cat died he spent 4 hours on the phone with her (he was supposed to be at work where no mobiles allowed). He was spending his full plans $500 per month total on just calling her. He was aggressive from the first month and amped it up in the month before the incident in the car. It was obvious he was super into it and not just passive like he claimed to be. After I told him to cut off the friendship with her, he had still been calling her everyday.
He said he couldn't break it off with her because he was worried she would tell me and he didn't want to hurt me... and planned on taking it to the grave.

I cant recover the txts because he gave me the phone they were on when he demanded a new one because the old ones battery was dead. It wasn't dead because he spent so much time on the phone with her running it down... I did a full factory wipe meaning everything was written over as empty. Not recoverable.

Everything about herself turned out to be a lie. I had pointed several things out in the year but he never cared. 
It seems he does have a high sex drive, masturbates regularly and watches porn all of which he said wasn't true in the past (I don't care, i hate the lying part).

His facebook messages were full of "i love you" and "miss you" at the girls from his last work place. All much more honest and heartfelt than he had ever said to me. In hindsight he has had many emotional affairs over the years. 7 girls that I can remember some right in front of me. Basically he flirts with everyone and the girls that respond he focuses on intensely. He hates the rest and makes mean comments about them to me. He ignores me mostly (except when he wants dinner or sex) and just talks about them all day long. He makes excuses to go see them but never talks to them on the phone in front of me. Anytime he introduces me to them its always straight up, this is my gf/wife. Probably to stop them from acting inappropriately towards him in front of me...
He calls them his friends and gets upset if i dont approve claiming im just trying to keep him from having friends.
It gets stupid until the point where they get married and all communication becomes one sided with him attempting to visit them. He has never been invited to any of their weddings.

I asked him how he treated them was any different to the physical affair girl and he said it wasn't.
There is also another girl he was treating the same still at his work. She is only 20, almost half his age. He claims she doesn't work with him but is conveniently not photographing the page with her work shifts on it anymore.
There is also a 16 year old girl he had been making uncomfortable at the volunteer group I had him go to. He claimed he wasn't but it was obvious to everyone. I'm concerned about her.

The girl he got physical with keeps approaching him at his work (His boss went out of her way to keep the affair girl away from him), leaving voicemail messages, driving past my house (i'm an hour away, on a no-through road in the middle of nowhere) and emailing me. She is acting like she thinks we are all conspiring to keep him away from her. She even planned a surprise reunion for him with her at his workplace and tries to tell me to just let him work with her because she is quitting (still hasn't).

Ive been his mommy replacement (he doesn't treat her any better) while he runs off and has fun, at the same time crushing any ability for me to have fun or hopes/dreams that could make me realize how much of an ass he has been. 

My sister has stopped being supportive of me and now asking him how he is coping, telling me to not be hard on him and to not drag it out for any longer than a month. Its only been a month. He seems to have this weird affect on women and they always jump to his side...

Ive cut off contact with my sister for now, can see how huge of a doormat ive been (there is plenty more mistreatment including physical not related to infidelity) and am making huge changes in my attitude and life.





He claims he is truly sorry and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That he didn't realize how important I was to him until now. So i have given him a chance with simple terms.

1. I told him I wanted him to go to the doctor for a medical, get check for stds (it was clear) and get a referral to a psychiatrist since there are a lot of other problems as well as this infidelity issue. He was devastated that he was found mentally sound and has no excuses for his behaviors. He has another appointment with both the doctor and the psychiatrist at the start of the year. His thyroid is very low so that may be an issue with his moods at least. He has been questioning why he even needs a psychiatrist or therapist since he isn't mentally ill...uugggh!

2. He promised to defer to me on his behaviors towards people and claims he has made improvements with everyone at work. He isn't treating it like his playground and seems to be making real friends with all of the guys. Something he claimed he never could do because they were all too caveman like... (aka they didnt put up with his **** because they didnt want to sleep with him).

3. I told him how important xmas and my birthday was and i wanted him to go out of his way to get me something small. He claimed he had no idea what to get and so didn't... He spent his birthday and xmas the past few days with his family while i was home alone (I have no family or friends and he had the car with no public transport here). 
He offered me a box of candy his family gave him (for him not me) when i called him out on not thinking about me for xmas even when I'm about to divorce him. He said he is going to return some of the items his mom bought him for his birthday and let me pick out something (money is NOT and issue, is the lack of thought!).

4. Tell his family we are married. He claims they will be mad at him or disown him for marrying me. They have hated me from early on but because of him (long story).

5.Spend time with our cats he claims to love and don't ignore the sick/dying cat when she is desperate for a cuddle. Stop yelling at them and being rough.

6. Learn the kind of person I am. He doesn't even know any of my likes/dislikes/hope dreams because he has always ignored them or dismissed them. Support me in my career choices instead of tearing me down.

7. Stop the massive amount of verbal/emotional abuse he has been dishing out (yes i have been a huge doormat) and treat me at least decently.

8. Stop being so hateful and negative all of the time towards himself, me and everyone who doesn't fall for his flirting.

9. Show me he cares about me, don't just talk about how he thinks it. Words are cheap.

He has been given two months to show improvement.

One month in and he is still treating me less than he ever treated them. He is never excited to speak to me, spend time with me, flirt, laugh, joke, care if im sick, sad etc. He just hates on himself, talks about me leaving him and does his usual "but i always think of you". He claims he has been trying hard but when questioned he said he has been vacuuming the floor and cooking his own food (im on strike for the first time in 17 years) and that's it!

The only things I know are true are the phone bill, email message and the Facebook messages. He could be lying to me on everything else and I wouldn't know. Am considering a polygraph to add to the list of wants.

I felt disgusted Ive had sex with him since finding out and that he did to me what he had described doing to her without even checking it was ok with me. I feel used and like a stupid doormat. 

Am i being unreasonable in my demands? I feel like im just asking him to be a reasonable human being. Is he being unreasonable in how he is treating me? Is there anything more that can be expected with his behavior? Is this typical of how someone who has cheated acts after being found out?



Note: I have had a ...rough childhood that caused mental and physical scars so if anyone wonders why i have put up with so much, that's why. I'm not after that kind of advice just an understanding of whats normal so I can make the correct decisions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your demands are not unreasonable.

See a divorce lawyer to cover your legal options.

Also get counselling for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Unfortunately, you do not control the other people in his life that do enable his bad behavior. He is what he is, because the people in his life that help shape him, have placed him on a pedestal. It is good to see that your doormat behavior is being looked at too. Prior to this, you lack the will to enforce your boundaries on how you should be treated, and he just did not have respect for you. Your list is your boundaries that you want him to folow if he wants to stay married to you. Just make sure if he does not meet your expectations, you do enforce the consequences. Otherwise, he will even lose more respect for you than he has already.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Kat,
It is regrettable you needed to come here. Hopefully, you will find the strength and encouragement here to get free of this man. His behavior as described is reprehensible. How can you possible feel that this man cares for you? Your childhood issues aside, everyone in a "loving" relationship deserves to expect certain basic givens. You are not getting them from this individual nor do I believe you ever will. If he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with you would he not be acting accordingly?

Words are cheap and easily dispensed but the truth lies in actions. His actions are screaming his intent, you just can't quite see it although recognizing your "doormat" status in the relationship is the beginning of your awakening.

I regret to inform you that the future with this man is bleak indeed, a fact which I think you already see to some extent. I would suggest you start arranging your life in such a way so as to enable you to remove yourself from this situation. Financially, emotionally and physically prepare your life to move on without him.

People talk of change but the true reality is that changing one's persona is a monumental undertaking and very few are able to accomplish it. It takes a strength of character and a resolve that, if they had to begin with, would make change unnecessary. There will be more advice to follow but I would certainly look to rid yourself of this guy.

Either that or plan to be back here in a short while posting more "issues" from your WS. There are more men out there with integrity and who are capable of honesty and openness. You deserve one. I wish you every good thing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HOLY SH*T! Divorce this assh*le already!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Divorce.

I do not believe this relationship is recoverable.

Too many lies, too much infidelity, he has turned his family against you, he's selfish, inconsiderate, and doesn't support you emotionally.

Time to pull the plug on this, IMHO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

I agree divorce this guy.

His family doesn't know you two are married and he has has tons of EA's and a PA and he won't stop...Goodbye to him I say.


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## AspenKat (Dec 27, 2014)

Thanks for the advice so far (all leave him). I'm planning on giving him the other month I promised as long as he doesn't bring any harm to me or my cats. We are basically separated but under the same roof. I'm using the time to make plans and get prepared. Here in Australia we have to be separated for 1 year before filing for divorce. In my state its a no-fault divorce so I take whats mine he gets whats his (he owns nothing).


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's so hard to muster the will to truly end things with someone you have been with for so long and from such a young age. I think we all understand this.

In your case, it appears inevitable that you have to pursue divorce if you want any chance of a reasonable life for yourself. In my opinion, one more month isn't going to make a difference in terms of his behavior or the outlook for your relationship.

Why not pull the band-aid off now?

For me, the fact that you have to keep your marriage a secret from his family would be enough to not want the marriage and not want him. Add to this all of his lying and what you have is a toxic brew of deception.

Who needs this? Life is too short. You're not chained down, I assume, so why not choose a better life for yourself? You'd be amazed how nice and calm and healthy and fulfilling life can be without a selfish, lying, dysfunctional person calling the shots.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

There is nothing to recover here.

He has been lying to you and using you for 17 years.

He does not love you.
If he did, he never would have done the things that he has done to you.

He is not psychologically sound. He is a narcissist and probably lied his face off to the Psychiatrist.

Reject him. And do not go back. He likes to control women and is abusive.


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