# Is he over-controlling, or am I being selfish?



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I have been with my husband 4.5 years, married for 2.5. When we first met, I was a teacher. I had given up my last job to look after my daughter from a previous relationship, so I had been effectively a single SAHM. But just as we met, I had started to get back into it, getting supply work, which I hated, and putting my dd in child care.

But, I was a professional respectable woman, in his eyes.

Fast forward a while. We're newly married. I hate the supply work, I'm not getting a lot of it. I discover that you could self-publish books on Kindle. So, I dig out a novel I had written a few years earlier but had never managed to get accepted. I publish it, it starts to do quite well, actually.

I say to him, this could be the start of a new career for me. Then I say that maybe I should publish the erotica short stories I wrote a few years ago. Sex sells, after all.

He goes absolutely ballistic!!!

He did not know I had written erotica. TBH it had never occurred to me to tell him. it wasn't a secret, it just never came up. I thought it was a great idea. I could write more, a whole series, we could be raking it in. This was before Fifty Shades.

He forbade me! He said that if I went ahead with this, it would be the end of our marriage. We had only been married a few months. I was scared. I didn't want to lose him, but I was also angry. Why did he get the right to dictate what I could and couldn't write?

So, I went ahead and did it anyway, in secret, knowing that he disapproved.

I was right. The books sold really well. I published two, then sold a short story to a publisher. I got some work proofreading and editing with this publisher and basically this was the start of a whole new career for me, one I really enjoyed.

But I had to be careful. I told him about the proofreading and editing work, but not that I was writing also.

Inevitably he found out. I was guarding my computer and he was suspicious. So one day he managed to get into it and found out I was writing.

It nearly spelled the end of our marriage. He told me I was disgusting, perverted, no better than a porn star. He felt as degraded as if I was actually a porn star or a prostitute, knowing that those scenes had come out of my mind, that I had to have imagined those scenes with other man in order to write it down. He said he was ashamed of me.

I don't know how, but we actually managed to get through it. I told him I wasn't going to stop writing so tough!

He eventually backed down, but it has been a very very sore point with us ever since. We separated for a while last summer, and he told his parents about it. They had the same opinion of me and since then I have been persona non grata with his entire family because of how disgusting I am. Since then we got back together, but then he had an affair.

Now, I am living in Coping With Infidelity for help with the affair and we're starting MC next week, but if we have any hope of saving our marriage, we need to also deal with the cracks that were in it to begin with, for the affair to happen.

This is a major major crack, and I don't know what to do.

He hates what I do. I can't talk about it to him. He can never be proud of me.

Who is wrong, him or me?

Men, how would you deal with it if your wife wanted to write erotica? He says that ALL men would have a problem with it, but I'm not so sure.

Sometimes I think it would be better if we D - but, aside from the cracks, we do have a very strong bond, and I don't want to lose it. If I can save this marriage at all, I have to try.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What other people think of erotica doesn't matter. It's what your husband thinks that counts. I would imagine the fact that you lied about it and did it without regard to his feelings on it is a big issue as well. But then again, he had an affair that you just seem to gloss over...

Personally, I'd be fine if my partner wrote erotica and sold it. In fact, maybe I should suggest it to her... She's looking for opportunities, and I've enjoyed her writings. Did you find any websites useful in particular?

C


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Before you can really begin healing this relationship I think it's really important that both of you own your sh*t. You both need to take responsibility for the deceit and dishonestly this relationship has seen over the past couple years. And it's important to see things from each others perspectives. I am not condoning his affair, at all, and it was likely his way of getting you back for writing these stories behind his back after he expressed to you how he didn't want you to. I think if you two talked about WHY he was so upset about it there may have been a better compromise that worked for all of you. Was he threatened by you writing this? Does he feel like these stories are more than just fantasy for you and he can't measure up? Did he not want his wife's name attached to these stories for friends and family to see? See.... if you had just talked about all these things from the beginning instead of resorting to sneaking and lying then who knows where you would all be today. But what's done is done. 

Remember how devastated you felt when you found out about his affair? He did something behind your back that you would never want him to do. He was dishonest and betrayed your trust. That is exactly how he feels about your writing. 

If you downright refuse to give up writing erotica and he can't get past looking at you as a "****" or whatever, then I don't see how this marriage can ever survive.  

And for the record, I love reading erotica. Would I ever do most of those things? Probably not. But hopefully your hubby will understand that sometimes writing comes from an alter ego. It is not who or what you are. It shouldn't define you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, he certainly seems a bit hypocritical if he can have an affair while married but you can't write porn! 

But what he is going through is not uncommon. You won't find this as any kind of psychological diagnosis, but it's common enough that I wrote an article on Madonna Wh*re Syndrome if you want to check it out. Not sure it will help you, though, because it's pretty entrenched in our society. http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/What-is-Madonna-*****-Syndrome


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

During the two years of dating, you two never explored your erotica tolerance levels. I think that's necessary. Given how much women don't like knowing that their husbands view porn (even one way viewing ie not with a webcam.....) and how much women like erotica, their "numbers" and so on.

If your husband is hassling you to contribute to the household budget, well, then you need to take a stand.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Thank you for all your answers.

PBear: I am not glossing over his affair - far from it. But it is not what this thread is about. I have plenty of threads in DWI about that. I'll DM you the publisher I work for 

Irish Girl: I admit that I was wrong to lie. I should have found a better way of dealing with it at the time. But I was scared and new to married life, so I did the first thing that occurred to me.

I write under a pseudonym so having HIS name associated with it wasn't an issue. And, having an affair in NO WAY equates to writing a few mucky books and lying about it.

I don't think he had the affair as a way of getting back at me, at all. The reasons for that were totally different.


Kathy Batesel: I'll check out that article, thanks 

NextTimeAround: We did actually explore our tolerance levels on erotica. At least, I thought we did. Don't want to go into too much detail, but I don't mind him watching porn, so long as it isn't a replacement for me. I like it also, and we often used to watch it together. Our intimate life was always great, plenty of healthy fantasy. Which is why I was so shocked, surprised and honestly, downright puzzled at his attitude.

Where we are now is that he tolerates it, so long as I don't talk about it, and he never has to know any details. But it'a always there, in the background. I'm proud of the stories I write - they aren't just sex, there's some damn fine stories in there too, and I hate that he can't be proud of me, just because I write books about two (or more) people having lovely sexy fun.

I want to fix our marriage, and this is a major issue that we have rug-swept.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I used to write. Completed a number of novels, but never pursued publication. My wife would read the stories as my first critiquer (not necessarily the most useful, in technical terms, but the one I valued most.)

I wrote two books - one, which I thought was pretty good, compared to the rest, and one which I think, story-wise, was the best I've ever done.

The former had some explicit scenes in them (plot drivers, entirely necessary) - the latter, did not, but had an intense emotional relationship with an underage person, which she found distateful.

She disliked the former, and hated the latter, although in story terms I could probably never better it.

I destroyed it. There are no traces of it left. I shredded the hard copies, and erased the files, securely.

My marriage is worth more to me than these stories.

True, they weren't a source of income, but they might have become such (doesn't every writer dream that? - yet my 'lesser' stories were favourably reviewed by professional book reviewers, and I was urged to seek publication, so who knows?) - so it wasn't a financial hit to do that.

Huge emotional one though, and I still mourn the loss of that book - I loved it.

And I've essentially stopped writing since. I managed to finish one more I had in progress, but my will to write has died.

And yet still, I value my marriage more than that, so it was the right decision.

I don't know what could be done in your situation - you did go behind your husband's back, which is dishonesty. I'm sorry - despite my having no issue with you writing erotica (I've written some, but only for private consumption - don't any more) but the issue as I see it isn't specifically what you did, it's that you did it knowing your husband had serious issues with it.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

See, I don't see it as writing being more important than my marriage. I see it as it being more important than being married to a man who thought he had the right to dictate a list of 'appropriate' topics that his little wife was permitted to write about.

I felt he was being unreasonable.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Robsia said:


> See, I don't see it as writing being more important than my marriage. I see it as it being more important than being married to a man who thought he had the right to dictate a list of 'appropriate' topics that his little wife was permitted to write about.
> 
> I felt he was being unreasonable.


And that may be so. Honestly, I thought my wife was being unreasonable. Still do.

And yet.

The damage was caused, I think (as it almost always is) by the lie, and not the act. Easy to say in hindsight that 'it should have been sorted out up beforehand' but that doesn't make it any less true.

Yes, I think he's being unreasonable. Yes, what he did having an affair was vastly worse. I do wonder (as I've commented on another thread) that it seems as though he has some priority issues.

I was trying to comment on the question you asked on this one. In lying about what you were doing, you were being selfish, regardless of whether he was being controlling or not.
Clearly he has some real issues with this, and he was upfront and honest about them.

Still not sure where you go from here though - too much damage to address items in isolation.

Perhaps some serious conversations about what you both expect from marriage and your relationship would help?

(My wife and I were lucky enough to have a pre-marital guidance course, where much of these things were discussed, so we had a mostly shared view of what we were getting into. Not taht being married was always easy - but it helped that we at least had a shared vision of what we were trying to achieve.)


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I regret lying. I really do. Yes, I should have found a better way of dealing with it at the time. I did apologise sincerely when he found out I had lied, but I was also probably quite defensive about my reasons for lying, i.e. that his initial objection had been unreasonable. I still think that is the case.

I have Asperger's (un-dx as yet but pretty certain) so I struggle to understand how other people feel. I found it very difficult to comprehend a) that it was even possible for his feelings on this matter to be so vastly different from mine, or b) why it should be so.

I now realise that he does feel strongly against it, and that he has made a considerable concession in that he simply doesn't talk about it.

But it's always there, in the undercurrent of our marriage. And since it's caused a rift between my and his family, that in itself is also causing a rift between us, that because he agrees with his family's opinion, he can't find it in himself to back me up.

If I didn't love him so much, despite our problems, it would be so much easier to walk away. Our bond is so strong. When it's good, it's fantastic, but our marriage is seriously f***-ed up and I don't know how to mend it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry about missing that you're dealing with the affair, and thanks for the PM. Obviously, I don't have a problem with my partner writing erotica, but I'm also a card carrying sex club member, so I might be an exception. . In general though, we've been able to have open and honest discussions about our sexual fantasies and desires right from the start. This openness has let us put some of our fantasies into reality. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, I had a VERY interesting observation about your initial post and then you posted this


> being married to a man who thought he had the right to dictate a list of 'appropriate' topics that his little wife was permitted to write about


Wow! That is a shytload of resentment there, robsia! But, it DOES tie into my initial observation.

Your husband is a VERY RIGID and JUDGMENTAL man in ALL aspects of your life!


my daughter from a previous relationship (I'm assuming your daughter was born out-of-wedlock and your H would NOT necessarily "approve" of this)
I had been effectively a single SAHM (were you on public assistance or receiving $$ from your daughter's father...would your H NOT necessarily "approve" of this)
"...When we first met, I was a teacher...But, I was a professional respectable woman" (again, a VERY JUDGMENTAL attitude that you attribute, rightly or wrongly, to your H)
"He told me I was disgusting, perverted, no better than a porn star."(yeah, I don't even NEED to say it!)
I just see BASIC INCOMPATIBILITY written ALL OVER this relationship. Your H is a VERY traditional, conservative, rigid, man. YOU seem to be less conventional, open, free-spirited (from your daughter to your writing). [BTW, I'm making NO JUDGMENT on you or your lifestyle...I'm a 'live and let live' kind of person!]

I'm thinking that he had a very misguided notion of you from the get-go (the "Scarlet" woman who turned her life around and now teaches sweet innocent babes!) and now he finds you're NOT Mary Poppins who was seduced by some big bad wolf, but an honest-to-God intelligent, open-minded, free-spirited, less-traditional-than-he woman. And he feels he's yoked himself to someone who is MORALLY INFERIOR to him!

Not even going to address the duplicity of publishing behind his back NOR his affair! I think you two had fundamental problems in your relationship WAY BEFORE either of those events.

Advice? I don't really have any EXCEPT to say that you REALLY need to ponder his judgmental opinion of you. What is/will be his opinion of your daughter? How will he treat her as she matures? How will she feel about his attitude towards you, her, her father? How will any future children YOU TWO HAVE be treated in comparison to YOUR child? 

*BTW:* Since he was so big on touting YOUR 'pornographic writings' to his family as a reason for your difficulties during your break-up last summer, has he been every bit as FORTHCOMING about his infidelity with his family? Or is his moral superiority being tripped up not just by his infidelity, but by hypocrisy as well?

.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

> In general though, we've been able to have open and honest discussions about our sexual fantasies and desires right from the start. This openness has let us put some of our fantasies into reality.


See, so did we. Our private life was fantastic, mind-blowingly awesome!

He just has such a blind spot about me writing it down and I don't get it.

Maybe this is one best left under the rug 

SlowlyGettingWiser: You're pretty much spot-on! When we argue about this he says I'm not the person he thought I was. I'm not the woman he married, and he is angry at me for hiding my true self from him. 

But I was always just me.

However, we have no plans for kids of our own. I am 40 and he is 44 and we're both done. I have 2 and he has 2 from his first marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband watches porn. He had an affair. But he says you are the same as a porn star or a prostitute??? A person who watches porn is not better than the porn stars in the porn they watch. 

I agree with others that the lying is part of the issue. But since he's had an affair, so lying is not really a big deal to him. He's willing to lie when it suits him.

Before he is intent on pointing out what he thinks are your moral failures, he needs to check his own moral compus.

Writing erotica is no where near on the same level as being porn star or postitute. The written word VS the pysical and even putting the physcial on video and the internet?

One of his objects is that he thinks you are thinking of other men when you write that stuff. What does he think of when he views porn? OH... I know.. OTHER WOMEN.

You are right that your husband has a HUGE double standard. This double standard has made you want to stand up to him the only way you felt you could, behind his back. I'm not saying I condone your going behind his back, but I get where you are coming from. 

Just out of curiosity, how much do you earn from the erotica vs his income. What % of the joint income do you bring in from this?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I earn enough to pay the % of the household bills I agreed to pay when we moved in together. He is the higher earner, but he always was.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Sorry honey, but your husband is the type of man I'd run, not walk, to a lawyer to slap divorce papers his way.

Lying to him was bad, should of told him tough crap, and continued to write. But like Elegirl said, lying isn't an issue when it suits him. He's a controlling, hypocritical, cheating liar who has no leg to stand on.

Do yourself a favor and ditch the loser.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Lying wasn't a good idea...but he's pizzed about your stories?

REALLY???

Shaking my damn head.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

For a husband to be that upset over novels makes me think he's insecure about himself. To even try and say that writing erotic novels is the same as doing porn is ridiculous. Are the people who write horror film screenplays mass murderers?

Also, him cheating you on is way worse than writing erotic novels. He's the one who needs to check himself.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Who is wrong, him or me?
> 
> Men, how would you deal with it if your wife wanted to write erotica? He says that ALL men would have a problem with it, but I'm not so sure.


That's a wrong question to ask because each man may feel strongly about different thing.

The question should be: Do you feel that writing Erotica is more important for you than your marriage?

Let's put the shoe on the other foot: if your husband is doing something that he felt is not a big deal but you hate it so much that it could kill your marriage, do you think your husband should give it up for the marriage?

1) Give it up to save your marriage
2) Continue writing and throw your marriage out the window

I think the answer is pretty obvious.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

Surprised to see many people telling you to leave your husband so that you can write erotica stories. That would be a dumb reason to kill a marriage. 
Something may seem silly to one person can be very important for another, would any of those who recommend divorce leave their husbands for a silly reason. Idiotic advices.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

dbw said:


> Surprised to see many people telling you to leave your husband so that you can write erotica stories. That would be a dumb reason to kill a marriage.
> Something may seem silly to one person can be very important for another, would any of those who recommend divorce leave their husbands for a silly reason. Idiotic advices.


Dude, he had an affair on her. I think her writing erotic stories is a little sub par compared to that.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Dude, he had an affair on her.


She just briefly mentioned it without saying anything else, so one would have to assume that it's over and she doesn't want to talk about it.

She also indicated at the very end "I don't want to lose it. If I can save this marriage at all, I have to try." Sounds pretty clear to me that she wants to save her marriage regardless what happened before.

They have to at least give the marriage one more chance to work it out.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

dbw said:


> She just briefly mentioned it without saying anything else, so one would have to assume that it's over and she doesn't want to talk about it.
> 
> She also indicated at the very end "I don't want to lose it. If I can save this marriage at all, I have to try." Sounds pretty clear to me that she wants to save her marriage regardless what happened before.
> 
> They have to at least give the marriage one more chance to work it out.


And I was calling a spade a spade. He sure ain't perfect and MY advice is still the same. Leave the loser.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Putting aside the affair for now, which you say isn't the point of the thread, what happened:

1. You asked what he thought about you publishing erotica
2. He told you in no unclear terms 
3. You did it anayway
4. He responded exactly as he said he would.

It's not my place to say that his position on you writing erotica is right or wrong, but there should be no surprise when someone gives fair warning on how they feel about something, you do it anyway, and then they respond accordingly. He's responsible for his positions, and you're responsible for ignoring them. At your peril, as you found out.

Personally, I think he's a jerk, but on this issue at least, a thoroughly consistent jerk.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Personally, I think he's a jerk, but on this issue at least, a thoroughly consistent jerk.


:rofl::iagree::rofl:


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Cletus said:


> He's responsible for his positions, and you're responsible for ignoring them. At your peril, as you found out.


Yup.

Can't appeal to an after-the-fact "doube standard defense". 

To her credit, she has not.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> And I was calling a spade a spade. He sure ain't perfect and MY advice is still the same. Leave the loser.


You're entitled to your OWN opinion, it's a little childish to keep interfering with other people's suggestion. 
The person who needs suggestions int their relationship may want to get opinions from those who have been able to build a long term relationships than those who can't keep one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Has your husband ever written anything? If so, he should know that it's work...you're not getting off while writing it, and you're not fantasizing about other men while writing it. You're focused on plot, sentence structure, continuity, etc. 

I wrote some erotica for a little while...passing phase on a writing website I had joined. It's really no different than any other writing. In some ways it's harder since you have to avoid being repetitive and ridiculous...how many ways are there to say "come", you know? And I gave my stories to my SO, who got a kick out of it. If I had been able to make money out of it, I sure would have and he would have thought it was funny.

So, I can't relate to your husband's feelings. His affair would be the much bigger problem for me. But you want to save this relationship regardless. Can you write the stories "for him" and tell him these are stories inspired by his super-hot self? That might make him feel better since he's assuming you're fantasizing about other men when you write (despite his use of porn which, IMO, makes him a hypocrite).

Why do you want to save this relationship?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Here's my take. That's a big exclusion for a guy. He thought he was marrying a innocent teacher and ended up with a wife that basically writes porn for women. That changes your character in his mind and his trust. He thinks you misrepresented yourself. He also may not be able to picture you as the mother of his children now. I'm not saying his feelings are rational or justified. I'm saying he feels like he was duped. I'll turn this around. 

If your husband didn't tell you he was a porn producer before you got married how would you feel?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Here's my take:

I'd thank my lucky stars for a wife that could be this imaginative...
And make a living doing it. 

I'd love to be her test subject, too. 

But hey - that's just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> If your husband didn't tell you he was a porn producer before you got married how would you feel?


Do you equate written erotica with video porn, then?

Do you also equate horror novels where people are murdered in grisly ways with snuff videos?

If you're unsure why I'm asking this, in video porn, actual people have actual sex, just as in snuff videos actual people/animals get killed. Writing about it is different to doing it. I wouldn't have a problem with my husband writing horror novels. I would have a problem with him making snuff videos.


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