# Need advice from women about situation with daughter.



## Quadronos (Apr 13, 2016)

So I am dealing with a very strange situation and I thought asking women would be the best way to get advice. 

I have full custody of my 15 year old daughter. Her mother decided being a mother was too stressful and left with another man 2 years ago. She is supposed to be paying child support but she doesn't and good luck hoping anything will be done about it. I have gone through several avenues and it's always "we're working on it" or something similar but I have found they don't aggressively pursue mothers that don't pay CS anywhere near as much as men that don't. 

But that actually isn't my biggest issue right now, but I thought some background would be helpful. 

Here is the big issue: Three months ago daughter and I moved into a new home and neighborhood, much better than what we had before. Like most she wants friends and she did but she's a 21 year old woman that lives next door with her mother. She has always seemed off when I have talked to her and the mother has been drunk every time I have talked to her. 

She has also taken my daughter out to the movies and shopping and bought her things. I know the age difference is odd but I just thought hey these are two females what is the worst that could happen? Well it really all came to ahead when I found out this girl has been smoking Marijuana with my daughter! I did immediately tell my daughter she is barred from seeing her but of course daughter is angry and upset and I did tell the 21 year old she can't see my daughter anymore. She said she understood but 2 weeks ago my daughter told me she had an after school activity. Well, she did but it was with that other girl. She had picked up daughter from school and took her to the mall and bought her some more stuff which tried to hide but I found. I can only guess daughter has smoked more Marijuana with her as well. 

Believe me I know there were lots of red flags from the start and I am kicking myself for not seeing them but I just didn't think even with the age difference there wasn't much to worry about both being female. 

I did go back to talk to the girl but she was at work and the mother answered and no surprise very drunk. I did tell her to tell her daughter to stay away from my daughter or I would call the police. She slurred "ok" and shut the door. I hope she told her. But I have grounded my daughter and made her remove her from her social media's sites. 

Of course this all begs the question why would a 21 year old woman want to hang out with and buy things for a 15 year old girl?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I might bite the bullet and move. Its going to be difficult to keep her away from this women. What you know is very bad, and what you don't might be even worse. She may be trying to seduce your daughter, match her up with some men, upgrade her to heroin, or get her to sell drugs for her. 

If you can't move, you need to figure out some way of enforcing your discipline and explaining that she can never never never never never never see, talk to, interact, or having anything to do with this extremely dangerous woman. To enforce that, you need reason, supervision, suspicion, and every other tool to try to do it. 

Your daughter has no idea of the seriousness of this. it's like someone saying, my dad won't let me put my face in the blender or go on the train tracks when they come.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It sounds incredibly odd that a 21 year old would want to befriend a young teenager and buy her clothes?? Your radar should be going off big time here. The 21 yr old doesn't seem to have her own friends, is she an 'odd ball', maybe she wants someone to control or even 'groom.' I would suggest you move from there asap. 
Why isn't your daughter making friends at her new school. Ask her to invite people home etc.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Of course this all begs the question why would a 21 year old woman want to hang out with and buy things for a 15 year old girl?


Because she is looking for someone to dominate.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Your daughter could see her as a mother type figure or big sister, does her mother visit her?

I would definitely be concerned about what they could be doing that you don't know about, kids at 15 are not the same as 15 years ago, so much has changed in the world. If you are not able to move I would lay down some very strict rules for her, regarding this friend and when she breaks the rules start taking things away from her. If she is going to act like a little kid start treating her like one, maybe that will help.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Send her an R3(Registered Receipt Required) that is clearly and not emotionally written, stating that you want her to cease contact. Also send it via USPS standard mail.



> 21 yr old,
> 
> As the parent and sole custodian of <daughter's full name> I demand you cease all contact with my minor child.
> 
> Dad


Put the old-school formatting to it with addresses, etc.

Then if it continues, you go to the county court office, or the appropriate court in your area, and request a Restraining Order/Order of Protection on your daughter's behalf.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

My father would always get through to me with cold, hard logic. He would sit down and talk to me and explain exactly why what I was doing was wrong and the possible reprecussions. He would go over every detail and just talk it out with me. He offered me a lot of wisdom. I of course often wouldn't listen as a teen, but eventually really appreciated what he said and the lessons he gave me so I was able to grow past the bad stuff in a healthy way and learn from my mistakes.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Actual I think you should have an attorney write a letter to the school, to 21yr mother, and to 21 year old. To the school that your daughter left school grounds (even if school is done and it just picking her up) with an unauthorized person. You might also want to make the school aware of who this person is and your concerns (which is why a lawyer should write it.). To both the mother and her 21yr old daughter's letter it should be pointed out giving a minor pot is no different then giving them alcohol or porn. 

I think @Celes advise is mostly right. But the bottom line if we want to communicate with anyone, you need to know the nuances of how based on the person you are dealing with. Their is a personality test that many find helpful (Briggs something?) many here have used. Also oddly enough I think the Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time. might be helpful if you adapt it to a parent child relationship. 

I don't know anything about your wife this link you should read Are the Children of a BPD Parent Likely to Suffer Emotional Abuse? ~ BPDFamily Video. Understand regardless if a spouse is not BPD never the less they will experience many of these issues (but instead of a 10 it might only be a 2). 

Just found a link for the Briggs Myers test Myers Briggs Test | MBTI Personality Types. Do a search for more.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Celes my dad was very much like that with his sons. When it came to his daughter he hid behind my mother and never broke ranks with her. Honestly sis owned him, lol with the memories. He had a sixth sense when his little angel wanted something and would disappear into thin air only to appear next to my mom. 

Did she get things her older brothers (she was the baby) did not? To some degree, but not much. None of us had a car in HS and pocket money was very tightly controlled but he made sure sis had cab money. If her brothers wanted a car, they earned it themselves. All her brothers cars where bought post college. Her senior year in college dad coughed up a low milage used chevette (a ultra inexpensive economy car produced by GM in the very early eighties. I think it would top out at around 70 miles per hour.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I agree with JohnA, Celes get an attorney involved and serve the school notice and the 21 years old as well. 

If your instincts are screaming that something is not right, then, listen to them. 

Explain to you DD that you don't feel comfortable with this friendship and you are the only person who has her best interest at heart. Because she is your daughter and you love her more than anything. Keep repeating this, she will eventually see it to be so.

They are a lot of predators out there and yes same sex predators too. What they do is groom the younger girls, until they become depend on them for friendship and everything else. 

Take care. Hope you resolves this quickly as possible. So that you guys can mend your relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Celes said:


> My father would always get through to me with cold, hard logic. He would sit down and talk to me and explain exactly why what I was doing was wrong and the possible reprecussions. He would go over every detail and just talk it out with me. He offered me a lot of wisdom. I of course often wouldn't listen as a teen, but eventually really appreciated what he said and the lessons he gave me so I was able to grow past the bad stuff in a healthy way and learn from my mistakes.


This is called Authoritative Parenting, and it is the preferred method for raising kids, especially teenagers. 

You calmly, unemotionally talk about the situation and the possible ramifications. You make it clear you are not judging your daughter but that it is your job to protect her and you see this situation as a potential threat to her well-being in many different ways. Then go into several avenues this could pan out - the 'woman' having a crush on her and trying to sway her; the woman doing something that I assume is illegal in your state and thus putting DD at risk of going to juvenile detention or even jail; your DD getting a record and thus ruining any chances for any future endeavors she may have plans for; the woman being as messed up as her mom and having nefarious or just mentally unstable plans for DD; the woman being a replacement in DD's mind for her mom, which is unhealthy, given the woman's age; DD getting found out by her peers and developing a reputation that she will never live down (teenage girls are beasts) and therefore having no chance of a real social life.

Then go into what kind of social life you are dreaming of for your DD, asking her what it would take to make that happen. Let her visualize what she'd like to be doing in her SCHOOL and surroundings that would get her to the place she envisions. She likely has severe self esteem issues due to her mom and likely feels nobody her age will ever like her or want to be friends with her; you, as an adult, can help facilitate things, like signing her up for dance or getting her an instrument or taking her to art or writing classes. Kids don't always have the vision or wisdom to see how to make these kinds of things pan out. Help her become hopeful about living there (assuming you can't move). 

Then go into the 'rules' of the house - the rules that you, as her father, are duty-bound to impose along with the consequences for breaking the rules. Make it clear to her that you're not telling her what she can and can't do; you are merely telling her what is going to HAPPEN if she chooses to break the rules. It's her choice to break rules - you just hope she's happy living with the consequences. Clearly spell out what those consequences for continued contact with this 'woman' will be, as well as those for getting caught with any illegal substances. Remember that consequences are things that YOU enact upon her breaking a rule. For instance, if you contact this woman again, I will be driving you to school every day and picking you up every day (or I will hire a delivery service to do it for me and humiliate you). 

I remember telling my DD (about 15 at the time) that if I found out she ditched class, I would quit my job and my new job would be driving her to school and walking into the classroom with her to make sure she actually made it to class. The horror! She never ditched class again until her very last semester, and even then she asked me permission first, lol.

So pick out logical and easy-to-enact consequences that don't require her participation. And tell her in no uncertain terms that because SHE has ruined the trust, you now have to consider that she lies to you (again, no judgment, just fact) so you therefore now have to monitor her until she shows that she's trustworthy again. Leave that one open.

Ask her if she has any comments or questions. Listen politely and if she has any valid points, discuss them until you reach a place you're ok with. She needs to see you actually listening and considering her point of view, for this to work. Just laying down the hammer will NOT work at this point. 

She may test you a few times (mine did) to see if you're really going to inconvenience yourself just to enact the consequences; you must be firm, emotionless, and do exactly what you said you'd do. This has to be her choice - conform or suffer consequences. And you never know: some kids WILL defy you just because, and you have to be ready to be 'that' dad who is no longer fun or cool. It's ok; she'll love you again later.

Finally, go to a lawyer and have that lawyer send your neighbor AND her mother a cease and desist letter that states if you catch her within 20 feet of your daughter again (don't know how far apart your houses are), your next step will be to involve the police as she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor and she WILL be arrested. Make sure it's on the lawyer's letterhead stationery. I suspect your daughter will become too much trouble.


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## Quadronos (Apr 13, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I have talked to my daughter but she just think she's the coolest thing ever. Of course she is since she buys her stuff and takes her places. 

I have laid ground rules and told her if I catch her trying to sneak out again there will be consequences. I never realized women could be such bad predators as well.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Sorry, wrong thread!


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