# are we breaking up or fighting? :(



## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

I've been dating a wonderful man for four months now. We both have great jobs that we're passionate about, tons of similar hobbies and interests, and have come to develop very deep feelings for one another. He tells me I’m beautiful all the time and all the little things he loves about me during the day. We are basically just a total cheesy love mush with one another. For three months we were absolutely in love, couldn't get enough of each other, talked about future plans for next holiday season, buying a house to fix up together years down the road, and so on. We both expressed how happy we were to find someone else so wonderful with whom we shared the same goals. Just last week I moved into his neighborhood in the city where we live, which we thought would be a good idea because it was a nice medium between living together and living an hour apart, which was the situation before.

Now in come the problems. When we started the relationship we each had some potential baggage. His? He had recently broken up with a girl he had dated for more than four years. Their relationship had turned into a friendship and it seemed to end amicably, but it was still fresh when we started ours. Mine? Past betrayal in my most serious relationship has given me major relationship anxiety, so if something goes wrong I tend to withdraw and over-drink to deal with my fear of being abandoned again.

Well, in the last 6 weeks or so his ex-girlfriend has started contacting him again. I at first was okay with this, since it seemed to end amicably, but her contact with him very quickly became inappropriate. She started calling and texting him in the middle of the night, relying on him to solve all her life problems, etc. She’s told him that she’s developed a drug problem, been raped, etc., and he’s the only one she has to talk to.

She is now texting or calling him every other day, begging him to take her back, telling him she's sorry she "hurt" him, and that they can get through whatever has happened since they've been broken up.

As one can imagine, her actions, coupled with my relationship anxiety, have completely clashed, and the past three weeks have been an absolute mess. He’s tried talking to her nicely to tell her to back off. He’s been firm with her and told her that she needs to go away. None of this has seemed to help. So now, for the past three weeks, if I see a text from her I either cry or lash out on him, and I’ve spent the past two weekends getting drunk when we go out to deal with my anxiety, which turns into yet another fight.

This past weekend was our worst. After me being a complete mess over this all the weekend before, he started to withdraw. He was acting less affectionate toward me, moody, can’t make up his mind about what to do for the day, and in all honesty just seems overwhelmed and depressed. Well on Sunday night I had friends over, he was acting distant, and I once again got drunk to deal with it. That was our last straw.

So yesterday I wrote him a long letter. Told him how upset I was that someone else and how sorry I was for reacting the way I did by being overly anxious and drinking too much. This huge letter just highlighted how great we are together and how great I think he is and how much I care about him, and what a shame it would be to let someone else’s manipulative behavior ruin something with such good potential.

We got together last night to talk, and in response, he basically curled up into a ball, told me he wasn’t happy with anything in his life right now, with his family, friends, work, and me, and he can’t go on like this anymore. He said he doesn’t know what he wants, things haven’t been good for a couple of weeks, and he doesn’t know what he wants to do about our relationship. He said this has absolutely nothing to do with this other girl, that he has no interest in being with her because they are incompatible and she’s a mess, but that things between us have been too intense lately. I very calmly got up and told him I wasn’t going to beg him to be with me, and that I deserve someone who knows that they want to be with me. I also told him that he would regret breaking up with someone who is intelligent, creative, funny, social, caring, with lots of goals similar to his own who completely loves him to death.

He took a breather for a few minutes and told me not to go. We started talking about problems that had surfaced, such as my anxiety and my drinking, both of which had bothered him. He said he just needs our relationship to take a few steps back and be easy again. He said he can’t have it be as intense anymore or as stressful. I explained to him that I scheduled an appointment with a therapist to deal with my anxiety, and also signed up for a new yoga studio, which are healthy things I can rely on to relieve my stress. We ended up lying together and talking about things that were stressing him out, I cooked him dinner, we played a game, and peacefully went to bed for the night. When we got up we layed together for a while before work, got up, he kissed me goodbye, and told me he loved me.

So there it is. A big mess. I’m just looking for opinions from other people because I am terrified of getting hurt and losing such a wonderful man. Does anyone have similar stories? Is this just a bump in the road because of external forces, that I should look at as just a fight? Or is it a sign that this relationship is doomed? I have trouble with conflict in relationships because I always assume the worst.

<3 jules


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Too much drama and baggage for a new relationship. Smile, cut the tie, and move on. It's not working. 

Four months should be AWESOME! Honeymoon phase. But this is.....not a good time.

You aren't tied to him...it just isn't working out. Doesn't make you or him bad people.

Let it go. And maybe get some therapy so you can figure out your issues (we all have issues) and why you want to force this to work when he obviously isn't that into it any more.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

But my thing is that all relationships have their road blocks, everyone has their baggage. So why not work through this baggage, get it out of the way, and move forward? We've really, really come to care about each other. So I'm not sure it's worth just giving up on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you were my girlfriend and my Ex was harassing me as you`ve described I would put an immediate end to that harassment, if I wanted to.
Don`t think he can`t stop her because he can, he chooses not to.

If I was acting like your man it would be because I wasn`t done with the Ex yet.

You will get screwed by this guy.

Dump him and watch how fast he runs back to her.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm not as pessimistic about your situation as TG and Tac, but you are definitely putting way too much pressure on a 4 month relationship. Back off, give him some space, and do something to get your drinking under control. Hey, I like my wine as much as the next gal, but when it starts affecting the way you interact with significant people in your life, that's a sign that you need to cut back for a while, or perhaps stop altogether.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

Yea. He tried many different ways to get rid of her, short of blocking her number. When he was about to block her number she pulled out some story about her getting raped, a bunch of people she was hanging out with overdosing on drugs, which frankly I think was an exaggeration to keep him around. 

Things up until a few weeks ago were so wonderful and I was the happiest I've been in years, so I really don't know what to do  

And if he wants back with the ex, wouldn't he have gone back by now?


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

Iamaga, you are right. Too much pressure on too short a relationship. Also, too much drinking. Thank you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

jules0713 said:


> But my thing is that all relationships have their road blocks, everyone has their baggage. So why not work through this baggage, get it out of the way, and move forward? We've really, really come to care about each other. So I'm not sure it's worth just giving up on.


None of my relationships (3+ years) started with drama like this. The road blocks came after the first year. The first years were always bliss and fun. The ones like this I cut loose.

I don't understand why people (and myself included) want to hold on and FORCE things to work. What I've learned (through tons of therapy) is to just 'be'. Don't force or make something try to work. It either works or it doesn't. If he wants to step back, then that's what he wants to do. If you push him and beg him for more, you'll surely lose him in the end. This is dating. This is what dating is for. To see what you like (he has some good stuff) and what you don't like...just because you care for someone doesn't mean they are a good match.

Just go on about your business and life and if he calls, make the decision if you want to see him or not.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being real. This is wayyyy too much for a young relationship. Just mellow out and see where it goes.

Do you know how much heartache and overthinking I could have saved myself if I went to therapy 10 years ago :lol: It's unreal.

Your mate knows where you are. You don't need to control this situation. Sit back and watch what happens. I KNOW that is SO HARD to do...but try it. Honestly...then you'll know if you're in a one sided relationship (with yourself) or not.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I've been where you are and worrying like you are.

But honestly, if a man wants something, he'll get it. Don't do this crap between you and the ex and whatnot. Ew. no. You are never to be 2nd.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Your mate knows where you are. You don't need to control this situation. Sit back and watch what happens. I KNOW that is SO HARD to do...but try it. Honestly...then you'll know if you're in a one sided relationship (with yourself) or not.


Thanks so much for everyone who is responding. He and I both agreed yesterday that the intensity is too high too soon, and that things need to step back a bit and simplify, back to how they were before someone else started jamming themselves between us.

I need to find a way to distract myself from this whole situation and look at him as an addition to my already awesome life, instead of the center of it, which is how things were before all this drama dropped in. 

Suggestions?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Realize that he is a woosy that can't handle life... Jeeze louise he curled up onto a ball?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

jules0713 said:


> Thanks so much for everyone who is responding. He and I both agreed yesterday that the intensity is too high too soon, and that things need to step back a bit and simplify, back to how they were before someone else started jamming themselves between us.
> 
> I need to find a way to distract myself from this whole situation and look at him as an addition to my already awesome life, instead of the center of it, which is how things were before all this drama dropped in.
> 
> Suggestions?


Work out
paint
make new friends
take a pottery class
get involved in a club 
learn tennis
jump rope
clean out your fridge
get a new hair style
buy a new dress


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Realize that he is a woosy that can't handle life... Jeeze louise he curled up onto a ball?


lol - "basically curled up into a ball" - no he did not actually curl up into a ball.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

Yea, I've got a ton of stuff to get together given that I've also just moved into a new place. I think I'm gonna just focus on that- painting the walls, buying new curtains, joining a new gym/yoga studio, etc., and if he fits into my life and makes me happy without the drama, great. If not, I'm sure I'll live.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good attitude.

In all honesty, you don't need a relationship that starts out this way. Make your case known (what you want and don't want) and then be done with it. He knows where you are.  Don't chase.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jules0713 said:


> She is now texting or calling him every other day, begging him to take her back, telling him she's sorry she "hurt" him, and that they can get through whatever has happened since they've been broken up.
> 
> As one can imagine, her actions, coupled with my relationship anxiety, have completely clashed, and the past three weeks have been an absolute mess. He’s tried talking to her nicely to tell her to back off. He’s been firm with her and told her that she needs to go away. None of this has seemed to help. So now, for the past three weeks, if I see a text from her I either cry or lash out on him, and I’ve spent the past two weekends getting drunk when we go out to deal with my anxiety, which turns into yet another fight.
> 
> ...


I haven't read other replies, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said... 

People get into relationships because they're fun and rewarding. When they stop being fun and rewarding, they'll leave (eventually.)

He did all the right things when his ex did this. Told her to back off, set limits, and yet you let your anxiety control you to such a degree that you treated him, treated yourself, and treated your relationship badly. 

It's natural that he'd question whether he wants to be with someone who clearly doesn't trust him to do the right thing, and who is a source of feeling bad when he has done nothing wrong. 
In case that's not enough, you've thrown in binge drinking and shown that instead of taking responsibility for your own feelings, you'll drown them in alcohol and blame others. 

I don't mean to sound as harsh as this sounds, but you're at a fork in the road with this man. If you don't get a wake-up call, then yes, you'll lose him. I hope you will pay attention and continue to take those positive steps you're taking. You're clearly a smart, caring woman. You just need to let your actions show the caring part a lot more than the worrying part. 

Best wishes.


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## jules0713 (Jun 28, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I haven't read other replies, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said...
> 
> I don't mean to sound as harsh as this sounds, but you're at a fork in the road with this man. If you don't get a wake-up call, then yes, you'll lose him. I hope you will pay attention and continue to take those positive steps you're taking. You're clearly a smart, caring woman. You just need to let your actions show the caring part a lot more than the worrying part.
> 
> Best wishes.


But do you think the damage is done?  I just don't know whether to separate myself from him completely and work on my issues alone, or put my best foot forward with him, while working on them, too.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Some serious damage has been done, yes. Can it be repaired? Only if you change. It is clear that he cares about you. He didn't say "Ok, bye" after that long talk you had, which would have been the easy out if he didn't care. 

That means he wants to make things work. Forgiveness will have to happen for things to get back on track, but forgiveness isn't just about words. Please see my article on this topic to understand how change must take place in order for healing to happen. 

Forget about Forgiveness: Seek Change

(It's written from a viewpoint that empathizes with a person who has been wronged, which is him in this example.)


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