# moved back in. what next?



## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

I moved back in to my house yesterday. It was done because we simply can't afford to live seperate. My wife has reassured me that we are not together. I understand that. It was my idea to do it so that she could have the divorce sooner. We have to save money to get it done and we both acknowledge that we are too much in debt to even think about it right now. I moved into the extra bedroom. I'm hopeful that R is doable and she maintains it is absolutely not. I'm changing to be more aware of her needs and to help take some of the load off so that she can see it. If any of you have seen/done this before what are some reccomendations?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Women have the uncanny abilty to completely switch off feelings once they have made the decision to do so. Men carry torches. 

Don't get your hopes up. Do the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I agree with Bandit, i used to think my stbxw was always going to have feelings for me, but ever since she gave me the divorce speech in December she has shown her true colors regarding her feelings, it's all about her, even down to the simplest of actions.

Don't be fooled, get yourself better for you. If she wants the divorce, let her see what it will be like when you are not begging her to change, being a puppy dog (like I was). Act as if you are okay with it, get on with your life. She has to see what she is giving up.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Not all of us can switch off so easily. It depends on how self centered your other half is. 
I filed for divorce, we are still living in the same house whe he continues to lie about his OW and their engagement. 
I am miserable and in a terrible state of limbo till the house is sold. 

All I would say is, protect your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

If there is OM/OW in the picture for her then I would say the chances are none. If not, then maybe. Like others have said, you need to 180 and start analyzing all her reactions to you...what she says and when. From there you can make adjustments. My stbxw and I live in the same house still and if I show 180 behavior and ignore her/ do my own thing she immediately reacts. She'll text me and tell me she wanted to hang out and that she misses me. 

For my wife she is still in the fog of the OW so I consider my chances as none. She will have a cake eating breakdown when I finally move out but not enough for R.

If you want her back you need to make improvements to yourself that she will notice and show her that you have moved on. That's your only hope of R. She needs to know she lost you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> Not all of us can switch off so easily. It depends on how self centered your other half is.
> I filed for divorce, we are still living in the same house whe he continues to lie about his OW and their engagement.
> I am miserable and in a terrible state of limbo till the house is sold.
> 
> ...


I should have rephrased that. 

Generally speaking it has been my experience that many (not all) disenchanted wives slowly start to disengage from their husbands weeks if not months prior to dropping the ILYBNILWY speech on them. 

They do this stealthily so as to avoid conflict and so that they can be completely disengaged so that, when the husband begs and pleads for her not to leave him, she has no sympathy whatsoever. It's a sneaky trick that many women (not all) do very well. The oblivious husband (a*shole or not) doesn't see it coming and is totally shocked and caught off guard when it comes down. 

Sorry, that's just not right. Proudwidaddy's wife is this type.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I should have rephrased that.
> 
> Generally speaking it has been my experience that many (not all) disenchanted wives slowly start to disengage from their husbands weeks if not months prior to dropping the ILYBNILWY speech on them.
> 
> ...


Yup, that's my personal experience. She slowly distanced herself, have the speech and made plans to leave. She showed emotion at time, but it was from being sad seeing me so sad, not actually grieving the loss of the marriage.

That led to two months of crazy emotional roller coaster rides, futile attempts to analyze and explain why it happened... but now it's not so bad. Still not easy mind you, but not so bad.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Wow Bandit you couldn't be more right. That is exactly how it happens. By the time the guy knows what is really happening she has no interest in saving the marriage no matter what changes or promises are made. 

It's like wait a minute...now that I understand you won't even let me fix things?...nope. 

That last chance has to save the marriage is all so many of us wish we had.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

When the female posters see these remarks they're going to be on us guys like stripes on a skunk.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I saw a video of a counsellor who stated that it's a good sign when a woman complains - it means she is still looking for changes and willing to stay in the marriage. When she stops complaining, she's planning her exit. 

I know that is not a general rule, but it's what happened in my situation. I wish I would have seen that video a year ago, and not cancelled our marriage counsellor appointment in December of 2010. Would it have changed anything? Who knows.

Forward please.


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## AloneInMontana (Mar 11, 2012)

My stbxh disengaged for months, started his relationship with the OW and by the time I "found out" a month later I never had a chance, he had checked himself out long before I knew something was going on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AloneInMontana said:


> My stbxh disengaged for months, started his relationship with the OW and by the time I "found out" a month later I never had a chance, he had checked himself out long before I knew something was going on.


You're right men do it too. But I think they only do it when there is an OW. A woman of the WAW doesn't seem to need an OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Women have the uncanny abilty to completely switch off feelings once they have made the decision to do so. Men carry torches.
> 
> Don't get your hopes up. Do the 180.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am going to respectfully disagree. My H turned off his emotions and detached from the entire family months ago and we are/were holding on to hopes. 

I am honestly about to have a deadline and the last one I had I did hold to (pretty closely). 

Couldn't it be the WS is the one who can turn off the emotions/feelings?


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I should have rephrased that.
> 
> Generally speaking it has been my experience that many (not all) disenchanted wives slowly start to disengage from their husbands weeks if not months prior to dropping the ILYBNILWY speech on them.
> 
> ...


This is EXACTLY what my H did. He didn't shed a tear.....no sympathy....nothing. He had it all planned out for God knows how long. I was totally blindsided. It is the most awful thing to do to your spouse of 18 years. So it does go both ways. All I know is "I" would NEVER do that to someone. I think you have to be an unsympathetic loser to be able to hurt someone like that. ughhhh...I can't wait till he leaves this house....I can't stand seeing his face (not that we really see each other because he's a chicken and won't talk to me face to face). whew....I guess I'm in my pissed off phase....that felt good.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So then I'm wrong. Then why do we BSs marry these types? What does it say about us?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> When the female posters see these remarks they're going to be on us guys like stripes on a skunk.


Actually , I agree with your post. I think we do this as a survival tactic ( the ones who have been betrayed anyway)... We have to slowly remove our feelings because it's our way of being made to "fall out of love".. 

This way we prepare ourselves to be on our own again, independent, to protect our hearts.

On my end, with me disengaging feelings and cutting off communication brings out the rage in him. He says the most cruel, hateful things. Yet he wants to R??  He says he does this because he's scared of losing me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You're right men do it too. But I think they only do it when there is an OW. A woman of the WAW doesn't seem to need an OM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know if H has an OW, I do know he left us. He says it's just me, but if you ask my kids and see how often he engages w/ them you'd know he left us all.

I have no proof there's OW and at this time I couldn't try to prove it because of his skill set. All I know is he walked out. He quit. He has never tried and to generalize is way over-stepping. I do think my H is in MLC, and has taken us all on it. 

If he forces me to file (and I am thinking May 1) I don't now if I will look back or give him another chance since he walked out (would have been 5 months) so I am not turning off a switch just choosing to move on w/ my life to find someone who wants me (obviously to me and everyone else he doesn't).


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> So then I'm wrong. Then why do we BSs marry these types? What does it say about us?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marry these type?? I don't know if there is a type at least not in several of our cases. Many of us have been married for decades (nothing to sneeze at). My H turned into a wayward.... If you ask anyone who has known us for 3 decades they'd be shocked as I was. It says nothing about me, other than I got lazy and didn't work on our marriage in the last couple of years. Granted I work 60 hrs a week (easily on a slow week), 6+ kids, pets, bills, life.... I was busy and let the marriage slip away (as he did too). I will not take full blame nor would I expect it. He had a switch, found it, and turned it off (loving/caring for his family/me).


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

Thanks to everybody. You all gave me some good insight. I moved out because my wife and daughter didn't have anywhere to go. Looking back it wasn't the way to handle it. At the time it was the right thing to do. Its funny because I'm happier and my daughter is happier. My wife isn't happier because I'm a daily reminder of how bad she feels about what she has done. All of her family agree with me and they don't get it either. It's funny because she claimed that it wouldn't be long before the tension got to the point that we couldn't contain it any longer. It's funny because I made peace with the fact that she is going to continue to do whatever she wants to do. I could care less. She is the one that has all of the stress because she is the one that wants out and can't leave. I'm happy as a clam and when she reaches the point that she blows up, I'll remind her that these are the consequences of her choices, not mine. She wants the divorce and she will be doing everything to make it happen. Not me. I'm in a good place now. I'm in my home with my girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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