# My husband makes no effort in the bedroom.



## LadyG_38

My husband spent most of his adult life partying and didn't really date much. He was always the life of the party, never the one in the other room doing some chic. Sex just doesn't 
seem to be important to him at all. He's never shown a desire to know what I want or need. He has no clue what makes me tremble or sweat, I really don't think he even cares. He just goes through the motions when we do have had sex.. It's been over six months and no sex. I don't even know what I'd do if he tried. I mean the is no intimacy at all on his part. We've only been married a couple of years now, I honestly thought our sex life would improve with time. I've always been a very sexual woman, and I've never been afraid to say what I want till now. He gets mad or embarrassed when I bring up the subject. I've done everything to rock his world and had hoped it would be returned my way. What can I do? He doesn't seem to have very much experience in the bedroom and don't seem to want to learn either. By the way He's 47 and I'm 38 in case you wondered.


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## Blanca

what is his relationship history? Are you his first serious relationship?

Considering you mentioned he has always been this way (disinterested in sex) two things pop into my head. He's addicted to porn (which i dont really think is it) or he is gay. I rule out his age having anything to do with it since you mention he's always been this way. And i lean towards him being gay only because you said he gets embarrassed when you bring it up. Have you ever asked him?


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## LadyG_38

He's had a few relationships that I know of, the first right out of high school and it lasted several yrs. I've heard he's a few one night stands with some woman before me, and as far as him being gay I've asked him and he got really pist and said no.


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## Blanca

its been my experience that if someone gets really pissed and defensive, then its at least partly true.


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## cheewagacheewaga

I'm not gay, and if someone kept asking me if I was gay, I would get annoyed and pissed, too!


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## Farfignewton

I would not pursue a relationship with a 47 year old man who has bedroom issues. All issues should be resolved loooonnnnnggg before that age.


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## brad

LadyG_38 said:


> He's had a few relationships that I know of, the first right out of high school and it lasted several yrs. I've heard he's a few one night stands with some woman before me, and as far as him being gay I've asked him and he got really pist and said no.


I work with a lot of women. Their mantra seems to be when their guy doesnt seem attracted to them or having sex is "they must be gay". And the answer to that by another poster that finds people who get defensive about something then they must be hiding it. Retarded.

I got news for you. Guys get real pissed when you go the gay route on them. Talk about a blow to their manhood. While their is a chance of this it's very slim. More likely he has issues many men have. They lose interest in their spouse. They have perfromance anxiety. They are bored with you. 

Your husband didnt seem very sexual when you met. Why would he suddenly get into that mode? Not everyone is a sexual beast contrary to what society conditions you to think. Of course I would continue to investigate the reasons he may not be interested. It may be solvable.


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## brad

ljtseng said:


> its been my experience that if someone gets really pissed and defensive, then its at least partly true.


An incredibly poor blanket sterotype to make on people.


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## okeydokie

GAY, are you serious? maybe he just doesnt want it anymore. maybe a health issue like diabetes. maybe there is alot more to the story, but you think he is gay?


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## MarkTwain

LadyG_38-

Firstly, you should tell him straight that sex matters to you.
Second: What's his diet like?


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## Farfignewton

He either isn't a sexual person or he looks at porn. I highly doubt that he is gay also. There are like 20 other reasons besides being gay, like Brad pointed out. Usually guys want you to spice things up and they won't try to fix the problem or even really hint it to you. They say we expect THEM to be mind readers! lol.

Being a very sexual woman myself, I can tell you that you won't be happy unless you can find fulfillment some other way. Do you masturbate? If you don't then give that a shot. You said that he has never been a sexual person. Sex and love are nice to mix, but they do not essentially go hand in hand. Can you live in a sexless marriage? If you can't, then get divorced. You deserve to have your needs met.


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## Chopblock

If the genders were reversed, we'd be focusing on finding factors like stress, anxiety, illness, or something external to the problem. Since its a man not performing, we automatically assume he is gay? Please...

I realize its rare (though after my time on message boards, its not as rare as I thought) but some guys really just don't care about sex.

Your problem centers around marrying someone who you knew, had a different philosophy on sex than you. These are things that need to be addressed beforehand. I realize its too late for that now.

If you really say that you have tried "everything" and he isn't responding, then its time to take it to the next level. If some kind of counseling doesn't help, will he agree to an open relationship? Or maybe the possibility of losing you will make him get more serious about trying.

But I still wouldn't rule out job stress as a possible cause.


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## swedish

LadyG_38 said:


> Sex just doesn't
> seem to be important to him at all.
> 
> He just goes through the motions when we do have had sex.. It's been over six months and no sex.
> 
> He gets mad or embarrassed when I bring up the subject.
> 
> He doesn't seem to have very much experience in the bedroom and don't seem to want to learn either.


One thing that sticks out for me is that you say he is outgoing and has the life of the party type of personality but in the area of sex it sounds like he's the opposite. If he is normally confident and for whatever reason feels inexperienced in this area maybe he has built up anxiety over the thought of sex over the years. It's the length of time that he's been like this that would lead me to think it's not current stress/job/self-image/etc.


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## Blanca

brad said:


> An incredibly poor blanket sterotype to make on people.


Believe it or not there is a psychology behind defensive behavior. It is tied in with self-deception. its a very interesting topic.

http://www2.bc.edu/~barretli/pubs/2002/FBWilliamsFong2002.pdf

I could give you more interesting one's, unfortunately they require a subscription.


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## lostmymind

Any straight guy is going to get pissed if you accuse them of being gay. just the way it is........if they don't get pissed....then you start wondering.


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