# Lost love and attraction to husband



## lifeways

Im 26 y/o and i have been married for 5 years but have been with my husband for 10 years (since i was 16). I've always had sporadic thoughts of maybe i'm not "in love" with my husband but i would always push them in the back of my mind and tell my self " of course i love him".. well eventually i started thinking about it more often and i recently told him that i wasn't in love with him anymore and i didn't find him attractive. I love him as a friend but not as a husband. 2 months ago I told him that i was really unhappy and i wanted to try MC or im done but he convinced me that he could change and give him a couple months. I agreed to this and he really started to change,and i certainly tried and tried to have the in love feelings with him ,but they still haven't came.. and thats when i told him i wasnt in love with him and i broke his heart. We have 2 small children and i never wanted to divorce with children,but i can't see staying with him if i'm unhappy with myself with him and i don't have the feelings for him that a wife should have for her husband. We always have fought fiercely, we both have very strong personalities, but since our first talk 2 months ago he hasn't wanted to upset me and we haven't really fought ,but it still doesn't matter to me. I feel as we have grown apart. We are different people now and we have little in common. We are going to try MC ,but i just dont know what to do. I'm scared. Im a stay at home mom going to school and am in no place to be on my own...and i need my space from him but i know that will kill him as well..
Any thoughts ? i'm lost here


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## mama2three

Don't really have any advice but I'm in a very similar situation as you. We have 2 young children plus one on the way. I really want our marriage to work but I've lost all the loving & good feelings for him.


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## 9966

lifeways said:


> Im 26 y/o and i have been married for 5 years but have been with my husband for 10 years (since i was 16). I've always had sporadic thoughts of maybe i'm not "in love" with my husband but i would always push them in the back of my mind and tell my self " of course i love him".. well eventually i started thinking about it more often and i recently told him that i wasn't in love with him anymore and i didn't find him attractive. I love him as a friend but not as a husband. 2 months ago I told him that i was really unhappy and i wanted to try MC or im done but he convinced me that he could change and give him a couple months. I agreed to this and he really started to change,and i certainly tried and tried to have the in love feelings with him ,but they still haven't came.. and thats when i told him i wasnt in love with him and i broke his heart. We have 2 small children and i never wanted to divorce with children,but i can't see staying with him if i'm unhappy with myself with him and i don't have the feelings for him that a wife should have for her husband. We always have fought fiercely, we both have very strong personalities, but since our first talk 2 months ago he hasn't wanted to upset me and we haven't really fought ,but it still doesn't matter to me. I feel as we have grown apart. We are different people now and we have little in common. We are going to try MC ,but i just dont know what to do. I'm scared. Im a stay at home mom going to school and am in no place to be on my own...and i need my space from him but i know that will kill him as well..
> Any thoughts ? i'm lost here


I am in the same position as far as not feeling in love with my husband. In my case, I know I was in love with him at one time. In my head and my heart I am hoping that if I can get past all the anger, resentment, frustration, and disappointment, perhaps I can feel in love again. We started MC last week. It seems like it's going to be a long, long road, but after so many years together and small kids, I guess I think it's worth it to try with everything in me before calling it quits.

My advice as a woman in a similar situation is perhaps try MC to get to the root of the issues. In the meantime, finish school and get a job so you're prepared if it doesn't work.
good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 9966

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slgttc

Not really any advice but was reading your post and it sounds very similar to my situation. As in part where my husband said he can make things better just give it a chance and he to is trying, but I wont let it get better. All it has done is stop the arguing as much because he to is afraid of upsetting me. I really just think in my case that I feel in the back of my head is that I'm just done and nothing is gonna change that.


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## Goldmember357

here is likely the case your love is not a consummate love and you never had (passion, commitment, and intimacy) instead you had one or less or two of those. There are many different types of love (fatuous love, consummate love, non love, friendship love, compassionate love,romantic love, infatuated love

If all your feelings are lost and gone you need to tell your husband if you cannot work it out you need to divorce and separate because there is no point in staying in a marriage if the love is truly gone. All that will do is create problems and lead to possibly seeing love outside the marriage (infidelity) on your or his part as certain elements of the relationship may fail even more. You do not want it to get to that point thus it may be best to separate if that is the case to prevent set things from happening.


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## Goldmember357

Look up the triangular theory of love your love is not likely to be a consummate love but one of the others i listed.


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## Will_Kane

*"I feel as we have grown apart. We are different people now and we have little in common."*

_"*I've always had sporadic thoughts of maybe i'm not "in love" with my husband *but i would always push them in the back of my mind and tell my self " of course i love him".. well eventually i started thinking about it more often and i recently told him that i wasn't in love with him anymore and *i didn't find him attractive*. I love him as a friend but not as a husband."_

What did you use to have in common that now you don't?

Did you ever find him attractive?

I would be pretty upset if I found out my wife was never in love with me but married me anyway. I would rather she had been honest and let me find someone where the feeling was mutual rather than waste 10 years of my life living a lie where I thought she loved me but she never really did.

If you were once attracted to your husband and you once were "in love" with your husband, I would recommend that you find out the reason you "lost" these feelings for him so you can avoid a repeat of this situation in future relationships.


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## talkitout

People grow older and mature...and so does the love. Of course you are not going to love a person the same the rest of your life. How can a teenage love, a mid-20's love, be the same as a mid-40's love? When you commit to a person people should understand that the feeling of love will change as the relationship matures, it seems foolish to me to try to live in a perpetual honeymoon phase the entire relationship, and as soon as that feeling wears off people feel "lost love."


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## Stryker

lifeways said:


> Im 26 y/o and i have been married for 5 years but have been with my husband for 10 years (since i was 16). I've always had sporadic thoughts of maybe i'm not "in love" with my husband but i would always push them in the back of my mind and tell my self " of course i love him".. well eventually i started thinking about it more often and i recently told him that i wasn't in love with him anymore and i didn't find him attractive. I love him as a friend but not as a husband. 2 months ago I told him that i was really unhappy and i wanted to try MC or im done but he convinced me that he could change and give him a couple months. I agreed to this and he really started to change,and i certainly tried and tried to have the in love feelings with him ,but they still haven't came.. and thats when i told him i wasnt in love with him and i broke his heart. We have 2 small children and i never wanted to divorce with children,but i can't see staying with him if i'm unhappy with myself with him and i don't have the feelings for him that a wife should have for her husband. We always have fought fiercely, we both have very strong personalities, but since our first talk 2 months ago he hasn't wanted to upset me and we haven't really fought ,but it still doesn't matter to me. I feel as we have grown apart. We are different people now and we have little in common. We are going to try MC ,but i just dont know what to do. I'm scared. Im a stay at home mom going to school and am in no place to be on my own...and i need my space from him but i know that will kill him as well..
> Any thoughts ? i'm lost here




----*“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

 Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”[/B]


― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin*


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## capacity83

This is why and exactly how marriage failure occurs which is why a lot of "GOOD MEN AND GOOD WOMEN" are here on this forums today. Because YOU ppl are not satisfied with what you have. U can't possiblly be "in love" or attracted to your spouse all ur life. "in love" in my dictionary means "honeymoon" period. Like some ppl had said earlier, U DONT MARRY A MAN/WOMAN and LEAVE them after however many years it may be. U MARRIED THEM FOR A REASON. What i would like to say is EVERYONE HAS A CHOICE and IT"S YOUR CHOICE TO STAY OR LEAVE. I feel sorry for the dumpees ( I am one too ) because WE HAVE NO CHOICE. All i can say is, if he makes an full effort to change, give him another chance. Maybe get him to move out for the time being and start dating each other again. Do something about it rather than give up hope. U have two children. YES people divorce everyday but Do u really want that for ur kids? Put yourself in their shoes. If there wasnt any sort of ongoing violence or abuse, give the guy another shot. Just put urself in his shoes. Maybe you wont understand right now, but if u do end it with him, maybe one day when husband number 2 leaves you, then u'd know exactly how he feels. It all comes down to CHOICE and it's your choice that will affect 3 people. Your kids and your husband.


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## luckycardinal

I agree - love is a choice and a commitment. So many people get over the infatuation and feel the marriage is over, when the very essence of marriage is to COMMIT to someone for LIFE. I think there are situations where it isn't healthy to stay, such as in the situation of abuse, infidelity and just extreme incompatibility. But, if the marriage was once good, it probably could be again with a little work on both partners' parts.


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## Mamatomany

luckycardinal said:


> I agree - love is a choice and a commitment. So many people get over the infatuation and feel the marriage is over, when the very essence of marriage is to COMMIT to someone for LIFE. I think there are situations where it isn't healthy to stay, such as in the situation of abuse, infidelity and just extreme incompatibility. But, if the marriage was once good, it probably could be again with a little work on both partners' parts.


I totally believe that LOVE is a CHOICE. I also know that people can survive infidelity if they both want their marriage to continue.


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## Jayb

capacity83 said:


> This is why and exactly how marriage failure occurs which is why a lot of "GOOD MEN AND GOOD WOMEN" are here on this forums today. Because YOU ppl are not satisfied with what you have. U can't possiblly be "in love" or attracted to your spouse all ur life. "in love" in my dictionary means "honeymoon" period. Like some ppl had said earlier, U DONT MARRY A MAN/WOMAN and LEAVE them after however many years it may be. U MARRIED THEM FOR A REASON. What i would like to say is EVERYONE HAS A CHOICE and IT"S YOUR CHOICE TO STAY OR LEAVE. I feel sorry for the dumpees ( I am one too ) because WE HAVE NO CHOICE. All i can say is, if he makes an full effort to change, give him another chance. Maybe get him to move out for the time being and start dating each other again. Do something about it rather than give up hope. U have two children. YES people divorce everyday but Do u really want that for ur kids? Put yourself in their shoes. If there wasnt any sort of ongoing violence or abuse, give the guy another shot. Just put urself in his shoes. Maybe you wont understand right now, but if u do end it with him, maybe one day when husband number 2 leaves you, then u'd know exactly how he feels. It all comes down to CHOICE and it's your choice that will affect 3 people. Your kids and your husband.


Yes. Can you please get this through to my W?


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## Agast84

I was/am in the exact situation, (time and age wise just add a few more years to your age and kids) but I am in your husband's spot. I will not judge you from an angry dumpee. 

I will say this:1 Let him know how you are feeling(find the best way to communicate this. It will be hard no matter what. My wife waited several years to tell me. I feel like she waited to a point a little past where you are now. She told me she felt zero for me. After a little reflection over the last year, I can tell when it started. 
2.) If you fail to communicate, he will everntually resent you for all the rejection. That makes things so much worse for both. 
my wife ignored me, was passive agressive when my feelings hurt and I reacted, she quit showing affection, and you can imagine the rest. It was not good for her to hold in her feelings, It didn't change my behaviour and it lead to me acting out in confusion.
3.) If he is trying to change. Take notice if he is fighting. He may get desperate and confuse himself and annoy you in the process. 
4.) Go to MC and IC(both of you) . 
5.) Don't string him along. Work with each other to make it better. Marriage can't be one-sided, it is 50/50 no matter what.
6.) avoid setting yourself or him up for an EA or a PA, that will make things the worst.
I agree with everyone, love does change. Regardless, I still love my wife (some days, but I have to let go if I am going to move on.) just as much as I did when I was in high school, though it has changed. She quickly feel out of love with the man I grew into(for I was not her dream boy any more). As long as there is no abuse or neglect of any kind,I feel a marriage is worth saving or at least try to save it. If he is a good man, husband, and father, you have only something to gain.


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## MrWombat

lifeways said:


> Any thoughts ? i'm lost here


The usual way to deal with this is to have affairs, Just be careful not to get emotionally entangled, which is hard considering it's that emotional buzz that you want. You need to chase bad boys that will never, ever commit to you.

Or there's always romance novels and junk food - lot of women go that route, and it seems to work for them.


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