# newbie seperated



## whatswrongwithme (Jul 24, 2009)

At least I'm not alone. Sorry about the long post.

Just seperated 2 weeks ago with my wife of 23 years. We were married at 18 and 19 years old, we basically grew up together. I am 43, my wife is 41. Seems like normal excuses and reasons without anything big and bad happening(no violence/affairs/etc). Just fell apart from one another. Roommate syndrom. Fault being with both of us, now trying to find out if we can/want to fix the relationship. We have 3 kids that are great, and are dealing with the split alot better than we thought they would(apparently they can deal with it better than we can). Now i'm trying to figure out what to do next. We still love each other, just not in love with each other. We talked about seperating a month before the actual move. We went to World Championships (tae kwon do tournament) as a family before splitting. I have been at fault as much as my wife, if a problem pops up, I hide from it hoping someone else will/can fix it. My wife doesn't want to fix it for me (as a councillor told her several years ago, don't fix it for him,*don't be his MOM* make him deal with so he can fix it), well, she finally realized she was angry it was a little late. She tried to get my attention to remedy things one at a time, "we need to go out", "how do I look", "clean the garage", etc. She is smart to psche stuff, I like mechanical, so obviuosly I don't take the hints....Now she is the first to admit, I don't ignore her requests, or desires on pupose, when she asks something, I have every concious intention on getting the thing done. I just don't get it done (procrastination/adhd/passive aggressive). Neither of us made time to go out or spend time together. So the more I didn't get accomplished, the more she buried her head in the sand(more work, tae kwon do, come home and hide at the tv/computer, or go to bed) I failed so many times in not seeing or ignoring the signs/requests that were put forth to me. After I moved, it was hard to tell emotionally, whether we missed each other(which I thought was wierd) My job keeps me busy 12-16 hours a day for 7-8 moths of the year, so not seeing each other alot isn't unusal(( I am home almost every night) We still talk, txt each other, take care of the kids(they are the most important thing at this point, if the relationship doesn't work)Our 2 boys 10 & 14 stayed with me a couple days this week, after dropping them off and watching a movie with them and my wife, I got back to the house I am in, and just had an empty hole in my gut. During the boys visit I started thinking what I missed about my wife, things like holding hands, asking about her day at work, I broke down, during txting with her today. She has had years to break down like this, I seem to have ignored or denied it all till lately. What got me was a txt that said "We walk different sides of the same event"

Sorry for the long newbie post, but trying to figure out what I/we want out of the relationship.
Any thoughts would be appreciated....


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Well, you seem to want her back,
You obviously know what's wrong, you just listed everything. 

Now, two things, does she want you back?
and Can you finally get your A$$ in gear to make the necessary changes?


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Oh you can fix this so easily. You don't have to be "In love".....that phases in and out of relationships anyway. It's the "long term love" that matters most. But you have to put a lot of work into it. You might want to try the "Love dare" or some other book like that. I liked it....it really helps you put that fizz back into your heart....and she would definately be impressed if you followed it to the tee.

Life makes us what we are.....but being willing to change and to find some help for things that are issues in your life are the best place to start. And be honest....tell her how you feel....risk her reaction not being what you expect and then follow through with your promises.

Divorce is horrible...and as well as your kids are taking the separation the fact that you two are still kind to each other makes it less like a separation....but anything final like divorce might take un seen toles on the kids.....you might not notice it for years....

It doesn't sound like there is anything here that can't be mended with a little time and patience.....and LOVE. You can be in love again and you might find it is even better...

It is pretty clear that you see that you love your wife and sounds like you want her.....Hope I was a bit helpful....I do wish you lots of luck in this and Pray that you find your way back to each other.

God bless.


----------



## whatswrongwithme (Jul 24, 2009)

Thank you both, I just got "The Love Dare" so I am starting that. My wife is internally motivated, and I am externally motivated, so it's just keep at it day by day...
Thanks again


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

GOOD FOR YOU. good luck and God bless you.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You seem to have laid it on the table. Now do the work! The Love Dare is a good start. Time to put your marriage first, if you are both willing.


----------



## whatswrongwithme (Jul 24, 2009)

hardest part with the Love Dare is that we live an hour apart. I moved the rental property we have. some dares are easy, we are almost also nice to each other, we don't get into big arguements. Some of the dares I need to do out of order because of the hour drive. Also it doesn't help that my wife has tried to help(remind/nudge) me about problems for the past 9 months, she doesn't know if she has the energy or desire to repair the relationship now. I am trying and she appreciates it, but it might be to late.(idiot that I am, I didn't pay attention) I can try to work on it from my part and hope there is enough time for her to want to try and make it work.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Don't panic. It could be so much worse. And it's okay not to do the "dares" in order. She might not have the energy right now...but one day at a time and she might. You know what was wrong....so take it upon youself for a little bit....let her have time to get that energy back. I'm not saying that you should "give her space".....just concentrate on what you can control...yourself.

Love is so hard. If it was easy then it wouldn't be worth anything...which is why so few people find it. Everyone is lazy and looking for an easy way out. Of course there are times when we have no choice....I know this feeling personally. But it sounds like you have a darn good shot at fixing this. Don't let your negative thoughts poison you.....we all have them. It's about control. And you do have control over yourself.

It is so wonderful to hear of real men...actually trying to save their marriages....I hope your wives appreciate how nice it is to not have one who refuses to even speak to them. No matter your mistakes and hers ......communication is the first step.....if you have her talking to you...especially nicely...then you have your foot in the door.


Keep that chin up and keep your attitude positive....GOD BLESS YOU AND GOOD LUCK.


----------

