# Wife left, pushed the divorce and ever since I agreed, she's dragging her feet?



## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

I was with my wife for 10 years, three of them married. She began a job that worked her to the bone, and began coping with alcohol, cocaine and partying all night. I tried to convince her to get another job, being a graduate from an Ivy League business school, she would get at least 10 emails a day from recruiters wanting to interview her. Every time I mentioned her pursuing the opportunities, she called me controlling and jealous of her new life. At the same time, she admitted she has severe depression.

Like a lot of men, during the separation, I contacted her way too often when I should have left her alone. Nothing I can do about it. 

Obviously this caused us to fight and lead to separation. She later filed for divorce and for about a month I tried to reason with her, but she wouldn't listen. Knowing I want to be married to someone I can have children with, I was sad that this happened, but happy this happened before we had children. I'm 30, attractive and have a lot going for me. I knew it was time to grieve and move on.

She had an attorney contact me with a settlement agreement, where in the end I know I can get more, but the offer is okay. I don't need money at the moment, I'm not a money driven person. 

I retained an attorney, just to review documents before I would sign. Ever since I basically said "okay, I agree with you. I wish you well and let's get the divorce over asap". Since this, she and her lawyer have become unresponsive. My lawyer contacted her lawyer's office many times over the past 6 months, with no response. We agreed 100% to her settlement (she makes more than me) and it's a great deal for her. She will not respond to me at all when I try to tell her I agree and want to move this along. We have mutual friends and she tells them I was abusive (not true) and was making the divorce very difficult and was fighting her on everything.

This was a while ago and I recently met an amazing woman that understands what I'm going through, but I know she won't be understanding forever. I want to free myself from my wife, so I can move on with my life and have the family I always wanted.

One of the last conversations we had was her telling me how much of a terrible husband I was, how abusive I was and how mean I was to her family. I kind of shrugged my shoulders and said "if I'm that terrible human being, why won't you divorce me?". She never responded.

I've since told my attorney to stop contacting her attorney (hourly billing began getting to be too much when nothing was getting done). I've heard nothing and I'm sitting idly. 

Why on earth would someone do this? 

She's a prideful person and she's not the type to come back begging for forgiveness. So I don't even consider that an option and I hope she doesn't, it's over regardless.

What should I do in the meantime?

Has anyone been in a similar situation?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Likely she is with another guy and waiting to see how that works out. If not, she may come back to you. 

She calls you abusive to justify to herself what she is doing. 

Have you asked your lawyer if he can force a meeting with the judge so that YOU can move the divorce along?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Has she actually filed for divorce? If so, file a motion to move the divorce process forward. If not, file yourself.

And OP, she is either cheating or is not wired right. Either way, you are doing well to be divorced from her.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Likely she is with another guy and waiting to see how that works out. If not, she may come back to you.
> 
> She calls you abusive to justify to herself what she is doing.
> 
> Have you asked your lawyer if he can force a meeting with the judge so that YOU can move the divorce along?



I believe she was cheating on me and a new guy that was "just a friend" started all of this. Regardless, I'm seeing someone too. 

My lawyer recommends me waiting, he said the process will be very expensive if I were to serve her.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Has she actually filed for divorce? If so, file a motion to move the divorce process forward. If not, file yourself.
> 
> And OP, she is either cheating or is not wired right. Either way, you are doing well to be divorced from her.


Her lawyer drafted a settlement, my attorney and I agree to it. We asked for her attorney to send over the actual document to sign and the funds they offered. 


She's likely cheating and she's a goodie two shoes, so pushed the blame on me. 

I just don't get it. We separated a year ago, she obviously doesn't want me in her life. She went through all of the effort of retaining an attorney, why won't she finish?

I'm doing well a year later, but when it all went down, I was a mess. It caused me to lose my job and apartment. She did this a week after my brother passed away. It was hell, but I went to therapy, grieved and am doing well despite what happened.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

So she has to pay you to divorce? Maybe she spent all the money or just does not want to pay you. 

The bottom line is what are you willing to pay and endure to be free of Ms Ivy League? Is your new amazing woman worth it?

Or maybe serving her will shake up the process enough for STBXW to finalize the divorce. 

This limbo sucks. 

It only takes time, money, and mental stress to free yourself.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

You have moved on, keep moving. Tell your attorney to file and get the divorce as inexpensively as possible. You deserve to out of limbo and to be happy. Doesn't matter why she is doing what she is doing. All that matters is that she is once again messing with your head. Don't give her the power, take it back and keep your forward momentum going, leaving her behind for good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> So she has to pay you to divorce? Maybe she spent all the money or just does not want to pay you.
> 
> The bottom line is what are you willing to pay and endure to be free of Ms Ivy League? Is your new amazing woman worth it?
> 
> ...



She makes a lot of money. That is definitely not an issue. 

Yes, the new woman is worth it. She's a surgeon and works with underprivileged children. She wants children and a family, just like me. I don't know what the future holds, but we're a good fit now. I'm glad I took time to grieve, go to therapy and find myself.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

mary35 said:


> You have moved on, keep moving. Tell your attorney to file and get the divorce as inexpensively as possible. You deserve to out of limbo and to be happy. Doesn't matter why she is doing what she is doing. All that matters is that she is once again messing with your head. Don't give her the power, take it back and keep your forward momentum going, leaving her behind for good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This will eventually happen, I'm just trying to understand the mindset of someone who wanted nothing more to get me out of her life, won't actually push the button.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

whatisluv said:


> Her lawyer drafted a settlement, my attorney and I agree to it. We asked for her attorney to send over the actual document to sign and the funds they offered.
> 
> 
> She's likely cheating and she's a goodie two shoes, so pushed the blame on me.
> ...


Perhaps the life she leads with her POSOM is not quite as rosy as envisioned...


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Perhaps the life she leads with her POSOM is not quite as rosy as envisioned...


I hope this isn't true. Sure, turning her down would boost my ego 1,000,000%, but that isn't any good.

Also, if this was true, I would think she would attempt to reach out?


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Perhaps the life she leads with her POSOM is not quite as rosy as envisioned...


As someone who is new to this forum, and to others who might be wondering, how often does this happen?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

We can speculate. But my guess is that it is not all roses with hher current life. Most of us would want answers in why people in our lives make the choices they do and you may never get an answer.

Just keep going forward because it is not worth more of your life, time and energy .

Odds are, now that the end is coming, she has second thoughts as it is a major life decision and well she may be in denial about having a second chance, a safety net if all else fails because the marriage is not technically over yet. You probably confused her by simply giving in and giving up the relationship. It makes her indecisive and rethink what her thoughts are, is she correct in her assessment.

I would keep the divorce going without contacting her. Perhaps go out and have fun with friends, family, and some action if you are up for it. Depending on how detach you are, ONS or FWB.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

whatisluv said:


> As someone who is new to this forum, and to others who might be wondering, how often does this happen?


This is hard to quantify.

If I had to guess, more often than not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quit being such a nice guy man, then next woman will wall all over you too. Tell you Lawyer to get it done. Have him draft an agreement with better terms for you and force her hand. If she bulks tell her to file the first one now or you are going to court.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Nah I'd do whatever it took to get her out of your life.

The new woman won't hang around forever with this hanging over your relationship, technically you're still married and before she can even begin to think of a possible future with you, you have to get divorced. The longer this hangs in limbo the less understanding she might be.

Imagine if the roles were reversed, would you wait indefinitely knowing the other spouse could possibly pop back into your lives bringing drama?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

whatisluv said:


> As someone who is new to this forum, and to others who might be wondering, how often does this happen?


I am not going to be nice now, sorry. 

I say it over and over. Weak wishy washy men get bullied. Sorry man but you are a good example, no offense but you should have tried to crush her since she makes more money then you. That would have forced her hand, if it was me I would still do that, I would try to get as much as possible just as a inconvenience fee for making me wait so long for her to come to terms. Woman like you wife pick guys like you cause they know they can push you around. Guys who won't put up with there garbage wouldn't even be on her list. They would have no hope with them. 

Sorry to be harsh but the pattern will continue in your life as long as you continue to not be assertive. Go read the book no more Mr. Nice guy. 

So the answer to your question is yes there are literally hundreds of posts by guys who are shocked, SHOCKED by the fact that their wives cheated. Then you read and see what they are willing to put up with and how they still pine away for these awful spouses who treat them like dirt and you start to see the pattern. The fact that they never stand up for themselves is why they get cheated on in the first place. Not that it is their fault but I believe that the woman that pick them do so because they know they can abuse them, just like how some woman always end up with abusive boyfriends. It's a symbiotic relationship. Abusive woman look for men who won't stand up to them. There were always red flags and guys who wouldn't put up with these woman's garbage would have been long gone before there was a thought of a long term relationship.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up. This will help 

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=1yK7FJxHl3qWl6zovXCJviowZfA-


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

Mr.Fisty said:


> We can speculate. But my guess is that it is not all roses with hher current life. Most of us would want answers in why people in our lives make the choices they do and you may never get an answer.
> 
> Just keep going forward because it is not worth more of your life, time and energy .
> 
> ...


But wouldn't someone second guessing try to reach out? Like, even make up a reason to reach out? Like, "hey I found something of yours!".


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> Nah I'd do whatever it took to get her out of your life.
> 
> The new woman won't hang around forever with this hanging over your relationship, technically you're still married and before she can even begin to think of a possible future with you, you have to get divorced. The longer this hangs in limbo the less understanding she might be.
> 
> Imagine if the roles were reversed, would you wait indefinitely knowing the other spouse could possibly pop back into your lives bringing drama?


This is why I'm not fighting for more money. Did I meet someone kind of soon? Yeah, maybe. But I found someone who is great and I'm happy. I thought by agreeing to her settlement (don't get me wrong, it isn't a horrible deal), would move it along.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I am not going to be nice now, sorry.
> 
> I say it over and over. Weak wishy washy men get bullied. Sorry man but you are a good example, no offense but you should have tried to crush her since she makes more money then you. That would have forced her hand, if it was me I would still do that, I would try to get as much as possible just as a inconvenience fee for making me wait so long for her to come to terms. Woman like you wife pick guys like you cause they know they can push you around. Guys who won't put up with there garbage wouldn't even be on her list. They would have no hope with them.
> 
> ...


I get it and where you're coming from. Obviously all of you know of me is my posts on this thread. I am not a weak wishy washy man, I did not put up with her running around all night and basically called her out on her actions when they started. I gave her an ultimatum and she left. I'm not this weak chipper man, I'm actually quite stubborn and know what I want.

As for me not going for more money, there's a reason for that and I'm doing so because my lawyer advised me on it. She may make more, but there may/may not be money she knew about.


Most of the reason she said she left was because how "horrible" I treated her when she started her partying. I called her out on it and was firm, that's why it ended so quickly. 

I may sound like a nice guy now, is because I'm content with my life, with what happened and with my career.

Early on did I put up with her treating me like a doormat? Yes, that's likely why we lasted so long.

I put my foot down and grew a pair when she began drinking every night. That's when she left. I told her she's gross and needs to grow up. Maybe she left because I wouldn't bow down to her actions for once.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Read up. This will help
> 
> http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=1yK7FJxHl3qWl6zovXCJviowZfA-


Thanks for the link. I came across this when I was grieving along with many other books, and I came across Corey Wayne's videos. I did need an attitude adjustment and a confidence boost after my separation. I got an even better job and I'm healthier than ever. I honestly wasn't looking to meet someone, but a great girl came into my life recently. 

Most of all, one of the reasons I'm being nice is because my wife loves to fight and loves drama, I've always ignored it and showed her indifference. Our marriage is over, I don't want to fight her for money. I honestly think she wants and expects a battle. 

I won't go into finances, but I don't need to risk my current relationship for some idiot that insists on remaining married to me.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Sounds like a case of she doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you!

Has she only acted this way since you've been involved with someone else? Because maybe she realises she's made a mistake but was too proud to admit it and now realises it's too late, so she wants to make things as difficult for you and your new partner as possible.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Her attorney contacted you, but did anyone actually FILE for divorce?

If not, you may still be liable for each other's debts, etc. 

I would just file. It's can't be much more than you'd be spending anyway.

And once you file, you can say your agreement with her initial is a time-limited offer. If she doesn't agree, you're going for what you rightly deserve. And she makes more, you said, so that should motivate her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She may be having/had a nervous breakdown. Her lawyer cannot/will not divulge this information. The lawyer may have taken a personal interest in her and is shielding her from her own destructive behavior.

The alcohol and cocaine use keeps her incapacitated and hinders focusing on her part. She stepped out and has not returned to reality.

This behavior may indicate an underlying mental condition.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

I know she has always had a history of anxiety and depression, all blamed on me.

I told her, if I'm the cause of all of this, here's your way out!

Always goes ignored.

I just don't understand it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don't wait around to long on this. Women don't wait forever


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

She has no idea in dating anyone. I contacted her recently about some tax form I got in her name, my email went ignored.

I just don't get why someone would go through the effort of paying an attorney, having a settlement written up, she basically did everything to end the marriage but sign the one line


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The cost of filing is worth it just to demonstrate to the surgeon that you're serious about moving forward.

Email your wife right now. Tell her that she needs to move forward with the divorce filing. Tell her your attorney believes that the settlement agreement was generous to her and you'd hate to have to revisit that agreement with a new filing. Tell her you expect her response by end-of-day.

If you hear nothing, then file.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

I've emailed her many times, and every time I mentioned she's getting a good deal.

She moved along recently, and when out attorneys were negotiating, out of nowhere her attorney fell off the face of the earth. He used to respond within hours, even if it's acknowledging he got the email and will be in touch. But recently, nothing.

I know her well and the more I push for it, the less she'll cooperate.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

whatisluv said:


> I've emailed her many times, and every time I mentioned she's getting a good deal.
> 
> She moved along recently, and when out attorneys were negotiating, out of nowhere her attorney fell off the face of the earth. He used to respond within hours, even if it's acknowledging he got the email and will be in touch. But recently, nothing.
> 
> I know her well and the more I push for it, the less she'll cooperate.


really, why do you care if she cooperates? Get a shark lawyer and get it done. Ask for more than you are entitled to and ask that she pay the attorney fees.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

whatisluv said:


> I get it and where you're coming from. Obviously all of you know of me is my posts on this thread. I am not a weak wishy washy man, I did not put up with her running around all night and basically called her out on her actions when they started. I gave her an ultimatum and she left. I'm not this weak chipper man, I'm actually quite stubborn and know what I want.
> 
> As for me not going for more money, there's a reason for that and I'm doing so because my lawyer advised me on it. She may make more, but there may/may not be money she knew about.
> 
> ...


You need to do the same thing with this settlement thing. Use the fair agreement as leverage. Talk to your lawyer about it but suggest that maybe you can push her along since she is dragging her feet.

Look people here have given you good ideas your answers seem to be, well, I don't know, she is only going to fight if I try to force her hand. You sound like a quintessential passive guy to me. You even say this is the only time you put your foot down. She blamed you for her depression? Seriously dude you are not the assertive man you think you are. 

So she wants a fight, then fight her with all your might, basically make it more uncomfortable for her to stay married to you then to not. Hell set up a repeating email and send her one every day. Call and leave messages on her phone. Do something. You are going to miss out on this other woman if you don't get this situation settled. All she needs to find out is a year from now you are still married. At that point the excuse "my wife doesn't want to answer my emails" isn't going to make you look good any way you look at it. You are going to look either fearful, lazy, or just not on top of things. This is not an attractive picture to project to a woman you want end up with. Seriously dude you need to change.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Her reasons for wanting out are a moot point at this stage of the game. I can tell you my exW was the mirror image of yours, and when we finally filed for D she went fvcking nuts.... started screwing every college age buck she could find. Something mental happens to women when they hit their early-to-mid forties. They see their youth fading and sometimes they just go apesh!t. I think your wife is going through a midlife crisis like mine did. 

I'm with the others: have your lawyer push this D forward so you can get this harpy behind you and move on with your life.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

whatisluv said:


> I've emailed her many times, and every time I mentioned she's getting a good deal.
> 
> She moved along recently, and when out attorneys were negotiating, out of nowhere her attorney fell off the face of the earth. He used to respond within hours, even if it's acknowledging he got the email and will be in touch. But recently, nothing.
> 
> I know her well and the more I push for it, the less she'll cooperate.


Her lawyer probably isn't hearing from her either. Often times the wayward starts these actions and never finishes it. They enjoy the feeling of control and keeping their options open. You have a agreement in principle with her. Just have your attorney schedule a final hearing date. Her side will either have to respond or show up to finalize it. Her lawyer has already told her she is getting a better than fair deal so what can she really fight about? She is not cooperating now so how much more uncooperative can she be?

Quit emailing her, the only thing she knows by these emails is your thinking about her, that's how she interprets them. Have your attorney set up an actual court date and be done with it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yep...let your attorney do the talking. Quit corresponding with her. Go dark.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd recommend you start playing hardball before your gf gets tired of this.

Send her one more email telling her that if she doesn't sign and pay up now you'll sue her for every last penny you can, including lawyers fees.

Frankly if I was your gf I'd drop you, with the way you're tiptoing around your wife. 

The more you push the more she runs? Fvck her, why would you give her that much power?

Serve her and if she doesn't respond file for a default judgement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lifeistooshort has a point. 

How can you expect your new girlfriend to respect you if she sees you tiptoeing around your WW like a scared little b!tch?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Why does she need to be the one to file? What do you get by waiting? You stated the terns favor her, so you file with fair terms to both of you.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

I see everyone's point, but I'm not really looking for legal advice. I have a lawyer that I am developing a plan with, my question was trying to understand her mindset. 

My lawyer recommended I wait, am I pissed and angry? Sure. Also, I've emailed the hell out of my wife trying to get her work it out, I've called her out and all of what you all told me to do. My lawyer said I need to sit tight. The legal situation is way more complicated than I am making out to be (financials I hold). So while it may sound like I'm being passive, it is still in my best interest she settles and we don't go to trial and a judge looks into our finances. Again, I see everyone's point of view on my legal situation, but I'll listen to my lawyer on this, thanks.

As bandit.45, go dark. That's what I'm doing and I'm doing what my attorney advises. My girlfriend knows nothing of what's going on. She doesn't want to know and it's none of her business. I'm in the process of a complicated divorce, if she leaves me, then that's fine.

My wife's lawyer sent the settlement a month ago, so it hasn't been that long.

Again, I'm not looking for advice on how to be manly, how to keep my current girlfriend or how to handle this legally, I'm just curious to know if I may have to deal with a begging and pleading wife in my future? Why would someone simply just stop a divorce they're a signature away from? I'm just looking for other people's experiences of women going ape **** and possibly coming back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

whatisluv said:


> I see everyone's point, but I'm not really looking for legal advice. I have a lawyer that I am developing a plan with, my question was trying to understand her mindset.
> 
> My lawyer recommended I wait, am I pissed and angry? Sure. Also, I've emailed the hell out of my wife trying to get her work it out, I've called her out and all of what you all told me to do. My lawyer said I need to sit tight. The legal situation is way more complicated than I am making out to be (financials I hold). So while it may sound like I'm being passive, it is still in my best interest she settles and we don't go to trial and a judge looks into our finances. Again, I see everyone's point of view on my legal situation, but I'll listen to my lawyer on this, thanks.
> 
> ...


You deal with her by not engaging at all or giving her the option to talk. Her actions have told you everything you need to know.

If she calls you don't answer, if she texts only short civil responses on D or business only. Delete the rest.

No 180, you just stay dark. You or she does not need the talk to get closure. The final D will give you that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

whatisluv,

You asked, 

Perhaps the life she leads with her POSOM is not quite as rosy as envisioned...

"As someone who is new to this forum, and to others who might be wondering, how often does this happen?" 

Quite often, when the cheater has a spouse at home then the affair is all about fun and sex and their spouses are a common enemy that they can complain about to each other. When the cheater has to live with their affair partner then the demands of real life start to build up. This leads to conflict between the affairees and even cheating on their cheater. 

Also with their spouse is gone and they are still not happy, then their original thesis that their spouse was the cause of their unhappiness is questioned.

Tamat


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

whatisluv said:


> Again, I'm not looking for advice on how to be manly, how to keep my current girlfriend or how to handle this legally, I'm just curious to know if I may have to deal with a begging and pleading wife in my future? Why would someone simply just stop a divorce they're a signature away from? I'm just looking for other people's experiences of women going ape **** and possibly coming back.


And if you do get that from her, smile and and walk around her. @Marc878 lays it out in the simplest form. 

Her mindset is that of a falling star, she burned bright trying to take you with her as she plummeted and my guess is she has lost the only power she had left and she knows it... your acceptance and patience is a focused strength, don't lose sight of either. 

Unnecessary worry, don't let it take away today's peace.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

whatisluv said:


> I see everyone's point, but I'm not really looking for legal advice. I have a lawyer that I am developing a plan with, my question was trying to understand her mindset.
> 
> My lawyer recommended I wait, am I pissed and angry? Sure. Also, I've emailed the hell out of my wife trying to get her work it out, I've called her out and all of what you all told me to do. My lawyer said I need to sit tight. The legal situation is way more complicated than I am making out to be (financials I hold). So while it may sound like I'm being passive, it is still in my best interest she settles and we don't go to trial and a judge looks into our finances. Again, I see everyone's point of view on my legal situation, but I'll listen to my lawyer on this, thanks.
> 
> ...


Change your phone number advise her to contact you through your attorney.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

I just think if she wanted me back or to entertain the idea, she would contact me. She's gone more dark than me, because I've tried to contact her around tax time, even filing separately takes some cooperation. I get nothing from her.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You have been separated for a year. She's been drinking and partying and even possibly doing coke. Lawyers usually respond, especially when a settlement is in their clients favor. I'm betting she doesn't have the money. How much do you know for sure about her life right now? Maybe she's living above her means, maybe she's lost her job, maybe she's paying for her "friend's" bills, maybe she's simply spending too much on drugs and party clothes...


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> Quite often, when the cheater has a spouse at home then the affair is all about fun and sex and their spouses are a common enemy that they can complain about to each other. When the cheater has to live with their affair partner then the demands of real life start to build up. This leads to conflict between the affairees and even cheating on their cheater.
> 
> Also with their spouse is gone and they are still not happy, then their original thesis that their spouse was the cause of their unhappiness is questioned.


A lot of truth in what Tamat says. Perhaps your stbx has some sense of shame a/o remorse that she does not want to talk to you. Perhaps she had a nervous breakdown or was in an accident. A lot of what ifs in this situation.

Humans are complex animals and there is not always a logical answer to the questions you may have. I get that you are looking for answers and a sense of closure. At some point you need to accept that you may never get what you want to close the book on that chapter of your life. Even if you do talk to her again, I suspect that you will never get what you want. As the aggrieved spouse, I sense that you want her explain what happened and admit that she was wrong. I just think that is wishful thinking. What if she does and wants you back, then what? Grieve what you had and take what you have now and move on with your life. You all have been separated for a year, I think the writing is pretty clear on the wall.


My legal $.02 (Not that you want it)

In my area, after a year of separation, either spouse can go down to the court house and file for the divorce (All of $165). A court date will be set in the future. You can bring your lawyer or not and the stbx doesn't have to be there (If they so desire). The judge asks a few questions and as long as there are no arguments, signs off the divorce as set before him. I am not sure what the details of your financial situation, which must be fairly substantial, but not sure why you don't just file for uncontested divorce and get it over with. Each of you keep what you currently have and move on. I just don't get the mindset of sitting and waiting. Worst that happens is she responds to the filing and everyone shows up at court. I would hate to continue in limbo.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

I know she currently still has her job, I know her salary and although may not be the most bright idea, I have looked into her credit and although it doesn't tell the whole story, she pays her bills at the end of the month.

She also has an extremely wealthy father who would fork over a ton of money because his little girl wants to get away from big scary abusive man.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

I didn't know I can file for tha cheaply, I live in ny and thought it was more complicated.

We both wanted an uncontested divorce, I just need the final paperwork. It's just so weird she went though all of this trouble, to not verbally tell her lawyer "ok send him the documents".


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

whatisluv said:


> I know she currently still has her job, I know her salary and although may not be the most bright idea, I have looked into her credit and although it doesn't tell the whole story, she pays her bills at the end of the month.


You really need to quit doing this, not only is it an invasion of privacy, it is kind of stalkerish. You are still entwined with your stbx and you need to break away. From my experience, your gf is going to get tired of you not being able to give yourself to her because you are still stuck on your stbx. It is only a matter of time. Surely your therapist discussed cutting your emotional ties with your stbx?




whatisluv said:


> She also has an extremely wealthy father who would fork over a ton of money because his little girl wants to get away from big scary abusive man.


This is a divorce, not a criminal proceeding, nobody is going to jail. Most states look to see that both sides agree to an equitable distribution, unless you live in a common property state where it is 50/50. You have not been married long enough for alimony to be a consideration and it sounds like the salary difference is in your favor. You have no kids, so the only real question is assets.

If what she drafted is equitable to you, take that and go down to the courthouse and file it.


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## whatisluv (Oct 23, 2016)

My toes are cut with my ex. I check the credit to make sure there is no debt I may be on the hook for.

Again, although this forum may seem I'm obsessed, me writing here is the only time I honestly think about it.


So I can grab the draft her lawyer proposed, file it and wait for a court date? How will my stbxw know about the hearing?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

whatisluv said:


> I see everyone's point, but I'm not really looking for legal advice. I have a lawyer that I am developing a plan with, my question was trying to understand her mindset.
> 
> My lawyer recommended I wait, am I pissed and angry? Sure. Also, I've emailed the hell out of my wife trying to get her work it out, I've called her out and all of what you all told me to do. My lawyer said I need to sit tight. The legal situation is way more complicated than I am making out to be (financials I hold). So while it may sound like I'm being passive, it is still in my best interest she settles and we don't go to trial and a judge looks into our finances. Again, I see everyone's point of view on my legal situation, but I'll listen to my lawyer on this, thanks.
> 
> ...


Look, it's great that you're taking advice from your lawyer, it can be very difficult to get people to take that step. But you need to take that advice with a grain of salt. Your lawyer is advising you what's best for your legal situation, and only your legal situation, but from the standpoint of saving you money. Great lawyer, they should all be like that. But if you were to tell him that saving money is less important that getting clear of the marriage I'll bet his advice would change.

Has anything been filed with the court at all on this by either side?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

whatisluv said:


> I
> 
> Again, I'm not looking for advice on how to be manly, how to keep my current girlfriend or how to handle this legally, I'm just curious to know if I may have to deal with a begging and pleading wife in my future? Why would someone simply just stop a divorce they're a signature away from? I'm just looking for other people's experiences of women going ape **** and possibly coming back.


Her reasons for stopping the proceedings are her own. Could be control issues, could be she doesn't have the money to pay her lawyer, could be she's just lazy. 

None of that is your concern. Don't hold your breath that she would ever want to come back to you. And why would you want her back after putting you through all this hell? Ask yourself why you are even entertaining reconciliation. R can only occur when the wayward is truly remorseful and empathetic...both of which she is not.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

whatisluv said:


> My toes are cut with my ex. I check the credit to make sure there is no debt I may be on the hook for.
> 
> Again, although this forum may seem I'm obsessed, me writing here is the only time I honestly think about it.
> 
> ...




Your lawyer can use it as a template to file your own petition. At the very least, he should file a petition for separation, which will stop the clock on the marriage and protect you from any further debts she may rack up. That is why you need to file: to protect yourself financially.


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