# Not sure where to start,but I need help.



## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

My wife of nearly six years decided that she wants to separate and decide if I'm what she really wants. Then thing of it is, I've been in another state for nearly 7 months for military training. So I guess she wishes to move out and closer to her parents two hours away from our house. And this also means that she will be keeping our two girls far from me, while I stay in out house alone. She says that she is numb to my efforts in our marriage. I suppose that I haven't been Mr.Perfect in the romance department, and I didn't make her feel loved. But, over the last year I made significant changes in the way I show how I appreciate her. She even acknowledged how far I have improved. But it seems like I'm the only one to adjust anything. Anyway, everything was fine until this week. She went from I love you one night to I want a separation the next day. Now it's business only between us, and just am lost. I've been mailing cards etc. but she says its too late for that. She needs time and space. So, do I do just that or continue to try and keep our communication open between us? I am so new to all this and I am lost. I don't really have anyone to talk to. any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all!


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

Sorry that you are here, but you are in a good place, where MANY will try to help you.

any indication of an affair?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ironsites883 said:


> decide if I'm what she really wants.


Depends on who (posOM) she is comparing you to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has she moved out yet?


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Focus on yourself. Focus on your kids. 
Forget about her for now, I know that's impossible but try.
Give her all the space and time she needs. 
But don't allow yourself to be walked all over. 
Sorry friend, but you just can't change someone's mind unless they themselves are willing. 
As for nobody to talk to, you are in the military, there are resources and quite frankly there are tonnes of men out there in your situation.
Spend an evening reading through this site and you will start to notice trends. Patterns in relationships. 
Only you know your situation well enough to know and everyone's is different in ways but if the woman you made a commitment to says she needs time, then its your job to do that for her. Until it either becomes clear she is ready to reconcile or when it becomes painfully clear that the end of the marriage is at hand, respect her as an individual, be kind and supportive. 
I am sorry that your life is taking this turn now, there is no right time but it is sad when it happens...everytime. But that is life. 
Join a local men's group or volunteer your time (not that it sounds as if you have any to spare) contact old friends, turn to your family, church or what-have-you. 

Be strong. No matter what, you will get through this...it may not seem like it somedays but those two kids need you to light up their life...that's your focus now, that and being the best you can be.


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

I have had to deal with some security issues on my part, but this is just so sudden. We have had two close friends recently get a divorce, and it feels like she just want to jump on the band wagon. I love her so much and I regret not listening all of the time, but she knows that I am willing to make changes. Oddly, she doesn't seem to admit her own faults. I'm almost positive she isn't seeing anyone else. Especially with our kids around, but who knows. She once told me that I literally need to worship the ground she walks on. I felt hurt that she would even say something so ignorant. So I told her that that was a shallow and petty way to treat me. That seemed to start the process. Was I wrong? I thought this was a give and take kind of situation.


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

Thanks for the advice dumpedandhappy. And she has not moved from our house. She does go stay with her parent often. This weekend she will be lobbing her cause to her folks whom are livid that she is even considering this. They know that I am willing to make any sacrifice for my family and they seem to respect much more than most in laws do. But she my have them hating me by know. Sux to be honest.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Doesn't really sound as if it is something yousaid that has you here asking questions.
Don't blame yourself if you know that your heart has always been in the right place. Did you do your best? If it wasn't the best was it at least fair and without any harm towards her? 
You didn't cheat onher and you still love her. No blame there. 
Relationships are hard and at 6 years there is a point couples get to.
Obviously you should consider the typical: counselling, try to get her to talk to you, someone, anyone. 
But I assume that you have already asked her to do this. 

Try to find a forum for you both to be in, where the kids and life don't interrupt the moments you can have to talk. 

And be honest about everything. Only the truth will set you free. 

Seperation doesn't meant the end, it jsut means that there is a message at foot. Finding what it is that she is going through is important. Talk to her parents, one on one. Ask them to be honest. 

We all thought we knew what marriage was when we took our vows, but honestly...did anyone give us a manual? Give/take, share, sacrifice...these concepts typically are not taught but by virtue of our lives unfolding in front of us do we learn them. What she feels about any one of the aspects of a marriage may not be exactly what you thought then again maybe you are not on her wave-length either? 

Communication at this point is key. Yet, she wants space and time. Take some time for yourself to think long and hard about your relationship, write it out: strengths, weaknesses, challenges, etc...Clearly it is time to get serious but without her present at least you can take stock and be positive about who you are in the marriage and what you wnat and are ready to provide to it. 
Then we can hope that she will come back with th esame kinds of observations and be ready to communicate at some point them to you.


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

Thanks for all the advise folks. I will start by continuing to work on myself. Hopefully, she will make better observations of my efforts. I don't want to make her feel rushed to decided.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ironsites883 said:


> Thanks for all the advise folks. I will start by continuing to work on myself. Hopefully, she will make better observations of my efforts. I don't want to make her feel rushed to decided.


Find out if she has someone else.


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

Not really sure how to. I've checked the phone records and found nothing. And I'm kind of not cool with the fact that I did that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ironsites883 said:


> Not really sure how to. I've checked the phone records and found nothing. And I'm kind of not cool with the fact that I did that.


Voice Activated Recorder under the seat of her car.

Key-logger on your computer.


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

That would be easy to do if I weren't 2000 miles away. Not sure if she has something going on with somebody on fb


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

She told me that we may date when I move back home. But what does that really mean? I just never got a straight fwd answer as to what was really happening. Just feels like I'm being kept in the dark a bit.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ironsites883 said:


> She told me that we may date when I move back home. But what does that really mean? I just never got a straight fwd answer as to what was really happening. Just feels like I'm being kept in the dark a bit.


Likely means she has someone else.

You have anyone to check it out?


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

How would I do that?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ironsites883 said:


> How would I do that?


You have any friends or acquaintances where she is?

Private investigators are also an option.


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

Yes I do, but if she finds out I'm really digging I may never have a chance to recover


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ironsites883 said:


> Yes I do, but if she finds out I'm really digging I may never have a chance to recover


If you don't find out, you have no idea what you're dealing with.

Or how to handle it going forward.


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## Ironsites883 (Nov 2, 2012)

True. Gosh I hate fb!


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