# one step before separation



## jumper21 (Jun 18, 2008)

I have always struggled being married to my wife from the first day. I got married because we dated for a very long time and kind of felt obligated.

It's been 10 years, few young kids (3-5-7) and marriage that hasn't worked. 

The issues that I have with her is that:
1) She knows that there is a problem between us
2) She knows the problems
3) I feel and she has said, that what "I" want in our marriage and how "I" want her to be is something she considers inappropriate. 
4) Therefor she will not do those things.

You may ask what my desires are: 1) She has gained over 30kg since we've been married (about 70 lbs) ascending rather quickly when we first got married. 2) She is extremely rude to her immediate family (me being the closest) public criticisms, rude statements, condescending statements, and blatant bore expressions and obvious dissatisfaction when I pour my soul 3) No interest in couple activities that I desire (Sports) If it's not what she wants, she will not even come close but will be rude 

I have my faults, but I try to provide. I have a job that pays enough for us to afford 4 separate homes, I play at a min of 2 hours after work and an hour before work on weekdays with my children and all day on weekends, give her a special day off every saturday to shop or release any stress, take her out to dinner when she doesn't feel like cooking, wake up and take care of the children (most mornings) breakfast on the weekends...etc etc. 

I tried to provide romance but have given up because I've been working on her for at least one of the three things above since we've been married, but to no avail. I've tried cooking, I've tried setting rules of conversation, I've tried quite a few self help tips on marriage. Now, I've become completely out of love with her that I have been very close to suggesting separation. 

BUT I LOVE my children TOO much to see them be sad. I can't stand my kids being sad over anything. If we didn't have children, I would've been gone. 

I need advice from someone that has divorced or has gone through this....

PLEASE HELP!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I divorced when my kids were 3, 5 & 9 and it was tough (although I don't regret that decision). It will make your kids sad & depending on how civil you and your wife are after divorcing will play a huge role in how well they adjust.

I have since remarried (7 years ago) and (after some serious bumps in the road with our blended family) am now very happy & my 2 youngest are as well. My eldest is off to college and recently moved to his dad's. He still harbors some anger towards me but I believe it has everything to do with his dad painting me in a negative light.

It's a difficult path to take and I would definitely recommend exhausting every avenue within the marriage before going that route.

70lbs is a lot of weight to gain and I wonder if her rude/angry behavior is directly linked to her poor self-image? You say you've struggled since the beginning, so was that before the weight gain that she behaved like this? If it's not who she is, but more a symptom of how she's feeling about herself, maybe you can try a different approach to get the results you want. I would approach it from a health standpoint...get the whole family on board...family walks or bike rides...go mini golfing or to the batting cages...nothing extreme, just starting slow with some physical activity that's enjoyable and feasible with 3 young ones.

What do you want her to be that she considers inappropriate?


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## jumper21 (Jun 18, 2008)

Wow. I really appreciate your response. Especially for your personal experience. You really painted a realistic picture of a possible outcome. 

The weight has been a growing issue since dating. She lost 15 kgs (30 lbs) at one point but just gained it all back. We've discussed the weight and visual attraction issue... she understood and I thought it was great. But soon after it became... inappropriate to ask her such a thing. So she didn't want to do that. 
She has been working out... but its not her excercise that causes he weight gain...Its her over eating. But when I talk to her about "lets" eat healthy, that's inappropriate. 
When I say that I think what she had said was offensive, then, I need to get over it and not be so sensitive.

etc etc

But I'm going to try interviewing a few marriage counselors and then going to them locally.

I am interested in hearing others experiences in their divorces and what avenues to try or should have taken


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