# Obsession Because I Love Still



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Every morning and night, it is one of the last and first things I think about: my ex.

I don't understand why the whole divorce thing happened, really. Or why he went outside our marriage for solace and an EA. I wonder was I that hard to communicate with.

I find I start second guessing myself. I can see my shortcomings but he was so brutal and that is what floors me. He literally did not care how hurt I was. He had no human decency in being discreet with his affair. It was in front of my eyes for 5 months.

My brain acknowledges this person was fundamentally not a good human being and it has moved forward but my heart is lagging. I am still waiting for it to catch up.

When I leave the house as I drive I look for him in the traffic. I saw him one day on my block. There is no reason to be on my block it is purely a residential block. His affair partner has been married for 45 years and lives 400 miles away. Perhaps that is why. Texting and calling only satisfy so much.

I have seen him at our old haunts, the restaurant we ate at, the park we went to, the vacation spot. I know from photos on FB.

It's sad but I still love him however toxic he was to me and whatever torture he did.

I pray to move on but it is hard. Time. I am 41 days of NC and it is a struggle.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That is sad to hear about.
It sounds like the both of you are hurting but that the old way of being together didn't work, the new way means you are separated.

I can't give any advice other than I ended up going to see a Native American healer and after that my husband and I were together again. Granted we both had loads of inidividual therapy, and I had left my husband and even filed a police report against him because of what he did to me (aside from his EA and other just plain nasty treatment). I was also very affected by seeing the movie Buck, and I had moved out and moved on with my life. 

So I am not sure what to say. I did read a book on verbally abusive relationships and how to teach others how to treat you, about not being a doormat but also not throwing up a huge wall. It is risky to be with someone who has caused you so much hurt, but also sometimes there are risks that are necessary, and involve not trusting the other person so much but trusting yourself to put a stop to any abuse or whatever when it starts to affect you. 

We are not going to counseling as a couple, but we do take a ballroom dance class together and spend more time together but I am also not making the kind of sacrificial offerings of my life energy that I used to make, above and beyond marriage. That is, I adjusted my self-worth. Not to huge ego level but to acceptable level. We have a good balance but a balance requires awareness and maintenance of the balance. 

Keep your chin up. No matter what path you have chosen, you should not waste energy second guessing it, because if you did something that was necessary, it was necessary, at that point in time. You are dealing with something unique to the two of you, so there is no absolute solution, just doing what feels right and trusting yourself to know when something does not feel right.

How is the back to school initiative going for you?
How is your little dog?
The new place?
Friends?/Activities?

I am back to work and kids are in school and I am in school, it is all kind of enjoyable so I am okay with it. Having my husband around is a bonus. Probably next year when my lease is up we will all get a place together in the village where I moved to, and see what to do with the house we have that nobody really lives in any more and I have no interest in, I have been back and not interested in the lifestyle it requires.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks Home.

It really is the heart that is the problem. Just time. Neither one of us will contact the other, he has a new narcissistic supply and I want to be whole. Never the twain shall meet. Time will heal.

Pip is great and his tail stands straight in the air, once again.
School is coming along. It's tough, mostly memorization- wish I knew Greek or Latin.
Have made lots of friends (women)
Not interested in dating yet
Start Tai Chi this evening
Therapy starts in October

And daily affirmations. All of this is designed to love myself back to emotional health.

I really appreciate your concern. And am happy to hear you have reached an understanding with your SO and yourself.


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