# Physical attraction - Important?



## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

I have a couple of questions.......

*How important is the physical attraction in a relationship/marriage? *

When I see an attractive girl, that instant stomach turn thing happens, I get this sometimes and do find quite a lot of women attractive, I do very much know what I like physically.

I don't get this with my wife who is currently separated from me. What I don't know is how important this is in the big scheme of things? Is a marriage/relationship even possible with this missing? I am unsure if it will come back in time but it seems to be a big sticking point at the moment.

Emotionally I am still very much involved with her, I find myself deeply upset when she is upset and try so hard not to do things that make her sad but is it enough?

*Can I tell my wife the things that frustrate me, like her weight for example? (One for the girls I suspect!)*

I'd appreciate your thoughts as always.

Cheers
J


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> I have a couple of questions.......
> 
> *How important is the physical attraction in a relationship/marriage? *
> 
> ...


You say you are emotionally 'involved' with her. What the hell does that mean? Are you in _love_ with her? You don't mention how old you are or how long you have been together, but I am assuming not long. Attraction is vital, especially in the early phases of a relationship:


See below from BBC Science:

_Three Stages of Falling in Love

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. Testosterone is not confined only to men. It has also been shown to play a major role in the sex drive of women. These hormones as Helen Fisher says "get you out looking for anything".

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover.

In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play an important role:

Dopamine - Also activated by cocaine and nicotine.
Norepinephrine - Otherwise known as adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing.
Serotonin - One of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane.
Discover which type of partner you're attracted to by taking our face perception test.

Stage 3: Attachment

This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. People couldn't possibly stay in the attraction stage forever, otherwise they'd never get any work done!_


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi,
Some background might help, agreed....


Married coming up 12 years, together for 14.
Separated over a year at the moment but spending a lot of time together, although still living apart.
 I am 41, she is 35.
 She had an affair, it is over.
 We have a daughter who is 3.



I love her but the physical part, not so much....shallow? Perhaps, but I'm trying to make sense of all I feel and figure out the right thing to do. Intimacy is very clearly missing right now and is a big issue for us both.

Frustrating

Cheers
J


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

She had an affair. You are not attracted to her. Why not find someone better?


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Then you love her but you are not in love with her. That's important to know at this stage. She already cheated on you, you are already separated, the relationship is already on notice. Maybe you are in a position to be a good friend with your daughters mother but you need to move on otherwise. Not such a bad situation. Not hating each other I have found is good for our kids. Wasn't my choice that we are apart now but I have a new girlfriend now and I know I'm happier this way, which is also important to your health and your kids.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Men are wired to be attracted to certain physical female characteristics. Also, newness is exciting, though if you pursue that angle for long it quickly gets stressful.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Has she ever done it for you in this category?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

According to His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the *10 Core Emotional Needs *men & women have in their relationships.... 

Every man & women is different... some care a GREAT deal about Physical Attractiveness, may be in the top 3 on their list if they put these in order of importance TO THEM..... and some may have this on the bottom with other needs nearing the top .


We are all wired differently....so only YOU know if it's a "resentment" causer / desire killer - for you. 

1. *Admiration*
2. *Affection*
3. *Conversation*
4. *Domestic support*
5. *Family commitment*
6.* Financial support*
7. *Honesty and openness*
8. *Physical attractiveness*
9. *Recreational companionship*
10. *Sexual fulfillment*









 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How much weight are we talking about?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Has she ever done it for you in this category?


I echo this question. 

If the answer is yes, then what changed? Is it her weight?

If the answer is no, given what you've written about the importance of physical attraction to you, what was the overwhelming compensating factor(s) led you to marry her and have those changed?

Or is this just a case of the grass looking greener elsewhere? There will always be someone better looking but that is rarely, if ever, the reason to jump ship.

Feels like there is more to this story not yet being told.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi all and thanks for the responses..

To answer a couple of questions....

*"Has she ever done it for me in this category?"*
Yes, when we first met and for a couple of years after, I'd say about 7/10 maybe more.

*"How much weight are we talking about?"*
3 stone, perhaps more. Very unfit, eats all the wrong things at all the wrong times. Dresses poorly in my opinion and would prefer to spend all her money on her horse.


When we first met it was great, I was (If I'm honest) willing to accept 7/10 and any other flaws in the knowledge we would be a good match if we both worked at it. She brought some financial stability to us as a couple and together we could buy a house etc.

As time has progressed she has let her self go more and more, we retreated into our own individual lives and 'existed' more than having a relationship.

Following this she had an affair.


I simply do not know how to tell her these things, is it even possible? Would it do more harm than good? :scratchhead:


Thanks again
J


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> I simply do not know how to tell her these things, is it even possible? Would it do more harm than good? :scratchhead:


Depends how you define 'harm' and 'good'

If you can't be honest with her, what sort of relationship can you have?

Now, there are ways of being honest - I am always very careful never to call my wife 'fat' (she was teased by her older brothers and it made her a bit insecure) - although after she had our third child she didn't lose the weight, and it did concern me. So, whilst I didn't call her fat, I did note that her mother had knee issues, possibly related her having carried extra weight, and let her make the inference from that.

However, this was in the context of a solid relationship.

In your case, what are you building on? She has issues, and has checked out of the marriage anyway (or she wouldn't have had the affair) and doesn't seem to care much what you think.
If you tell her she needs to lose weight, how much will it damage your relationship? Or is there a chance that your being honest and upfront is what she needs to hear, regardless of whether you continue together or not?

You know the situation best - has to be your call - but, post-affair, perhaps moving on is what you both need.

Good luck with this one.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Rags,
Cheers for the reply, you make a lot of sense and also you make some very good points.

Last night I suggested she move back in for a couple of weeks. She suggested lots of things to change, decorating, new this and new that, I accepted some but found it frustrating her focusing on the house ans also her suggestion that the house was a complete mess and needed "gutting" I just found insulting.

She went back to her flat at the end of the night.

I spent much of the night awake tossing and turning. This is not the actions of a man happy with the choice he has made I suspect. 


I think I need to check out but I don't know if I can do it. Maybe the couple of weeks will open some new doors in our saga?

Cheers
J


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Getting away from the details of your relationship with your OH and back to the question you asked.

Is Physical attraction Important? 

My thoughts:-

At the beginning of a relationship there does have to be a spark, an attraction (physical and emotional), a shared sense of anticipation. 
The "lust" stage a previous poster spoke about.

I am not sure about the boundary between "attraction" & "attachment" for us as the chemical "attraction" has ebbed and flowed (on both sides) it has been the "attachment" that has held us together.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I don't think that telling her about her weight and your issues with it will help at all. She knows what she sees in the mirror. She also has had an affair and therefore knows she can get action in the bedroom despite her weight, so you making an issue of that will probably backfire. Could you stand to lose some weight? If so, could you go on an obvious health kick and encourage her to join you "for moral support"?

Why did you find her comments about the house insulting? My understanding is that it was a joint purchase (enabled by her bringing financial stability to the relationship) so why would you take it personally if she wants to make changes?

Her focusing on the house when you suggested she move back in would tend to suggest that she is not really up for focusing on the relationship. No amount of tarting up the house will help that.

Have you discussed with her why she had the affair? What did she say?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> OP,
> 
> My thoughts:-
> 
> ...


Thanks Wiltshireman, I feel like we are both still sat at the campfire, it has gone out and also so has the BBQ forcing all our friends to go home too! A spark might relight the fire but right now it is missing. :scratchhead:




Cheers Climbingthewalls......



> Could I stand to lose some weight?


I'm the size of a cow and don't see why I should change my lazy greedy ways!! 

Ok joking :lol:

I'm in pretty reasonable shape, not perfect by any stretch but I try hard. I need to otherwise I'd be the size of a house! I try to get her interested in doing active things and eating at sensible times but it is like talking to a brick wall.




> Why did you find her comments about the house insulting?


Just because I try pretty hard to keep the place tidy and her first response when I suggest moving back in basically says, "You live like a slob" which simply isn't true at all.





> Have you discussed with her why she had the affair? What did she say?


She said she was unhappy which I accept. Thing is though she has always been unhappy and nothing I say or do has aver really fixed that long term. Not saying she is BP but her dad suffers from depression and she has massive mood swings. 
I'm pretty glass half full by contrast but nothing I ever do is quite good enough in her eyes.



I know I paint a pretty bad picture but we had a lot of very happy years together before it went south, honestly!!


Cheers for all the replies anyway.

J


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks Lanie, good to get some input from the fairer sex. Addressing that whole weight thing though terrifies me to be honest, I think I would need to gather up all the tact I possess and then double it!

Perhaps I should just check out, more discussions to be had I guess, I am taking notes though!

Cheers 
J


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

> Just because I try pretty hard to keep the place tidy and her first response when I suggest moving back in basically says, "You live like a slob" which simply isn't true at all.


My reading of your initial mention of the house issues did not give me that impression at all. Suggesting decorating and buying new things and saying that the house is a mess and needs to be gutted to me indicates that she is unhappy with the fabric of the building, not saying that you are an idle slob. But of course you may have been summarising a much longer conversation.

My husband is horrendously overweight (he was not small when we met but has just got bigger and bigger) and when our marriage was suffering in other ways my attraction just went completely. However we have talked a lot of things through and now, in spite of the weight, I find him attractive again. (He is on a diet because he sorely needs to be, but losing weight is for health reasons, not purely because I don't like him so large.)

When you wife was having her affair, did she seem different to you? I am wondering if you might have found her attractive at that time because she was probably feeling self confident and cheerful, at least at the beginning until guilt may have kicked in. If she is generally miserable, that is not attractive, and I am wondering whether it is attitude as much as physical appearance that is putting you off.

Can you think about what it was about the happy years that made them happy (other than her not being so large)? What did you do together that made you "tick"? Can you do things to try to recreate that?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi CTW, thanks again for the input, it is great to get feedback from the ladies out there.



> When you wife was having her affair, did she seem different to you? I am wondering if you might have found her attractive at that time because she was probably feeling self confident and cheerful, at least at the beginning until guilt may have kicked in. If she is generally miserable, that is not attractive, and I am wondering whether it is attitude as much as physical appearance that is putting you off.


I knew she was having an affair, it took me a while to get the evidence but I wasn't blind to it. I tried my very best to get her to come back to me without outing the affair but she was gone by that point and in endorphin induced trance, or something like that. I was more attentive, loving etc but she didn't see any of it and only had eyes for POSOM. 
Her mood swings have always been an issue but I have stuck at it for 14 years, this is the thanks I get, not really sure why I bother sometimes.






> Can you think about what it was about the happy years that made them happy (other than her not being so large)? What did you do together that made you "tick"? Can you do things to try to recreate that?


We did things together, money was easier, we had a better social life, not sure, I'll give it some thought, perhaps it has been broken for a long time?


Cheers
J


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> When we first met it was great, I was (If I'm honest) willing to accept 7/10 and any other flaws in the knowledge we would be a good match if we both worked at it. She brought some financial stability to us as a couple and together we could buy a house etc


.

I think the issue here is you accepted her with flaws to begin with, but I think the affair might have made those flaws less tolerable. You admit that you traded some of the physical attraction because of the financial assets she brought to the relationship - is that still true? Or - is that further upset because she has different thoughts on what to spend the money on versus yourself?

Also, no doubt the money was easier and the social life better before your three year old. What's the current situation with your child? Does the wife work? When you say you work hard - is that by diet or exercise or both? (If its by diet why the disparity in what is at home for her to eat versus you? Who does the shopping?) Where do you exercise - at the gym or at home? If she chose to - could she go to the gym and workout?


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

It's very hard to be attracted to someone who has cheated on you. To be blunt, I was never attracted to my first husband physically, but the emotional aspect was satisfying (though it was my delusion of who he was...I digress). So I was very sexually active with him. 

But once I knew of his EAs and his PA (at least one but most likely more), I could not STAND the idea of him even looking at me much less touching me. I have a very high drive, and I don't need to be in love to have sex. But I was repulsed by him. 

I am now in a marriage with someone I find very physically desirable. I find this very important now that I have it, and I would hate to lose it. That said, if he were in a disfiguring accident tomorrow, I feel confident that I would still want a lifetime with him. 

So ultimately, I think it's the quality of the emotional connection that matters that most. Lacking that, a physical attraction isn't enough to bond things together. But only having an emotional attraction and no physical attraction? I think it's possible to make things work, but I don't think it's desirable.

At this point, you have a fat cheater who is critical of you and you don't want to have sex with.

I don't think your odds of having a lifelong love affair with this woman are high 

Whatever you do...unless you just want to hurt her...don't tell her she's fat. That does stuff to a woman's head that you can't imagine. And unless she's a narcissistic or delusional, she already knows.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> .
> 
> Also, no doubt the money was easier and the social life better before your three year old. What's the current situation with your child? Does the wife work? When you say you work hard - is that by diet or exercise or both? (If its by diet why the disparity in what is at home for her to eat versus you? Who does the shopping?) Where do you exercise - at the gym or at home? If she chose to - could she go to the gym and workout?


Thanks Starfish, a couple of answers....


Daughter living with mum, with me 2/3 nights a week work permitting.
I work hard on diet and on fitness. We have a gym at work, so most lunch hours I go there for an hour. I need to eat little, I have a very slow metabolism and can put weight on purely by looking at food. i am very calorie aware, I've learned the hard way though.
I shop, I buy healthy and try to accommodate her needs but she will wait until she is starving hungry on an evening and then order take out.
She has a treadmill I bought her - unused mostly. She has a bike I bought her - unused mostly. She claims time as a limiting factor which I understand, i guess it is about priorities?




> So ultimately, I think it's the quality of the emotional connection that matters that most. Lacking that, a physical attraction isn't enough to bond things together. But only having an emotional attraction and no physical attraction? I think it's possible to make things work, but I don't think it's desirable.
> 
> *At this point, you have a fat cheater who is critical of you and you don't want to have sex with.*
> 
> ...




Massive thanks SouthernMiss, easily the most insightful and helpful advice to date! I have to confess to a little chuckle at the bolded out section, nicely put :lol:


We talked again last night and I put across my view point and told her how hard i am finding this. Her initial response was the angry one, i.e. "Don't you think this is hard for me?" etc etc.
I explained that I understand her pain and that all i was looking for was a bit of understanding of how I felt and some sign that she actually cares what I feel.

It went ok, plans are still to have her move back in on a trial basis.

I had a perfect opportunity to end it last night and yet again I shied away, scared of the mess and the anger or genuinely trying to make a go of it? Your guess is as good as mine.

On we go...

Cheers all, it really means a lot to have your thoughts and that you spend the time to reply to me.

J


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm all for couples trying to get along, especially when there is a small child in the picture. But if you are not 100% committed to trying to make this work I do worry a little about what effect your plans will have on your daughter. She's been coping with a separation, now mum and dad are planning to move back together and if it doesn't work then she will have to cope with a separation again. That's quite a lot of upheaval so I think you really need to think long and hard about whether moving back in together is what either of you actually want. Because if it really isn't then your best option may be to face up to the mess and anger now. It won't get any easier the longer you leave it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree with the above post. Doesn't sound like either of you is ready to move back in together. Nothing has been resolved. And letting your daughter think her parents are back together and then at some point down the road separating again is not in her best interest.


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