# help on situation pls (kinda long...)



## reddogg (May 24, 2012)

Wow, never did I think I would be doing something like this but I'm sure I'm not the only one feelings this way in here. PLEASE READ ALL! So let start of, I've been married for 10yrs and have 2 kids together. We have been through councelling so that's known. Here's a quick summary of everything so I won't ramble like I've been told that I have a tendency of doing and loosing people in the mist of my explanation. In the beginning time of our marriage we wanted to have children and didn't for 5yrs. My wife resented me for it cause I had a low sperm count. Sex became a scheduled act to give us the best chances for her to get pregnant. She did finally. During that time things were still good. Normal marriage disputes but overall good. I expressed to my wife about 4yrs into our marriage that I felt the emotion in love making was not as it was before and I felt she wasn't coming on to me like I would like her to. She noted and said she would improve. In short it was a up and down process of her trying but again required me to bring it up again multiple times. All with the same response and results. I began to accept the process and hoped that it would become constant. About 6yrs into our marriage in 2007 I ran across a old love that never completely ended. We seperated after high school due to distance. But by this time she was married with a family of her own. Our communication was innocent. My wife was not aware of her. The other female and I continued off and on to communicate and ended up in the same areas somehow with the military. At one location we spent more time together due to the availability and feelings got deeper than expected. This was in 2010. While deployed I told myself I would let my wife know about herwhen I got back. She ended founding out on her own by finding a poem stating the feelings I had for the other woman. I kept it planning to show her as a easy way of explanning everything. We had a fall out but stayed in it through councelling to currently. Through that time we would evaluate each other and decide if we can make it work. I've continued to express to her my feelings of lack of emotion in intimacy. Was told its because of my smoking and smelling like I ate dirty with worms, lol. But OK. She also said that there was another reason nut would keep it to herself. This past Thursday I told her I couldn't accept that any more and she needs to tell me if we're to make this work. I was told that shes been intimately unhappy for 13yrs. To me this was a total groin blow. Figured such due to the actions received over the years. This lead me to say seperation is needed by me. She then changed it to most of the time the again later to someofbthe time and then to 20%. To me this was done because she the affect her comment had and regretted it. She stated she wish she never said anything. The ending explanation was due to my scent/hygiene. I was not aware that this was such a issue. To me that's not something to with hold for so long knowing the situation of of my complaint. Told by her she did because of accepting it and sacrificing her happiness for mine. I feel that's not the total reason behind her unsatisfaction. So Herr I am having to put my comparison of what the issue is and make a choice. If you read all, THANK YOU!!! What do y'all think?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry Red but the fact is that you are in an emotional affair (EA) and have been unfaithful to your wife

Agreed that there may be problems in the marriage and the two of you (you and your wife) are equally responsible for these.

Do you want to save your marriage or not?


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## reddogg (May 24, 2012)

I'm not sure if I want to save it or not. Yes, like you said and I agree, we are both responsible for this. But to me before the EA even started to take effect there were these issues of me not feeling the passion, love, desire from her during those intimate times. To her, which she said, it felt like a chore. Did it because she knew it was a need of mine. I want more than just the act, I want the feelings behind it. Intercourse is just a quarter of it. She's also had her EA's with 2 other males in the first 3yrs of our marriage. During that time for me is when I was 100% in it. I did have my negative traits in the beggining of smoking, looking at other woman. But made a major effort to stop. And I did because I knew it was a desire of wife. But I can't understand how the modified complaint from my wife of scents being the factor in emotional withdrawl during intimacy. If you truely love someone and your passion in it (intimacy) then these wouldn't be a factor. I don't stop enjoying pleasing my wife because she gained a few pounds, has hairy legs, don't smell fruity, etc. I do it cause it gives me pleasure and more so cause it gives her pleasure.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So, you've both had at least EAs.

The best advice any internet forum could give the TWO of you (again, if you want to save the marriage) is for the two of you to get into counseling to try and get to the root cause of both individuals EAs

I know how you feel about wanting to know that your wife desires you and she's not just having "chore" sex with you. I think all men want that from their wives. 

To be honest, I could believe that the scents issue is harder to deal with than a few extra pounds. It's easy to ignore the pounds when the lights are out but the odor of something like stale cigarettes is a completely different issue (and I used to be a smoker so I'm not trying to offend anyone here)

Again, from the sounds of her back-pedaling on this issue, she seems to want to try and save the marriage. You need to decide if you do too.

Also, you need to realize that you are in the "fog" of your new relationship. Read up on it. What you find here about it may open your eyes and give you pause before you throw away your marriage

Best to look in the coping with infidelity forum for info on this


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

read the newbie link in my signature

do realize that in order for you to justify your EA to yourself you likely have vilified your wife to a degree and rewritten marital history (or at least exaggerated the problems)


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## reddogg (May 24, 2012)

Yes, she does want to save the marriage. I understand how scent may to a.degree be a turn off. She's mentioned it to me in the past andi feel I've improved. I feel there shouldn't be all these check the block things in order to be intimate. The spontaneous is then.gone. Also to me, why initially say 13yrs then days later go to 20%? She said she said it out of anger. But when I ask again later to clarify get told most of the time. Am I seeing this wrong? 

Not sure what exactly you're referring to almostdone.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

which part the newbie link or what I said after?

newbie link: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

for the 2nd part-

people as a rule don't view themselves as bad people or really doing bad things- so in order to engage in an affair, they must justify those actions of hurting their spouse in some way. Often they will exaggerate or rewrite what life was really like in the marriage. Because "bad marriage or bad spouse= reason to cheat"


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## reddogg (May 24, 2012)

Will check out the newbie link. Thanks for the clarification on 2nd part. I agree with the formula stated. But With the change in description of feelings is you saying she did so to justify her EA thoughts? Just clarifying.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for both of you, yes

think about white collar thieves for example- most of them will steal from faceless corporations or insurance companies because they feel slighted or the companies have too much greed, etc It's all justification in order to do something morally bankrupt

most WS's when confronted with proof of their affair will "blameshift" and state that because of what the BS did in the marriage is the reason they cheated. The truth is that cheating is a choice and no one forces anyone to cheat, the cheaters have honorable options that are morally just- fix it or get out, but they don't do that


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## reddogg (May 24, 2012)

We'll I did check out the newbie link. Lots of good information there! Quickly reading through that, I don't get a answer to my question bouncing around in my head. That is, did she feel like this the entire marriage? Did she adjust her response based of my anger and deciding its best to seperate? I know she's hurt and I am responsible for that on the aspect of building feelings in another woman. But before that, what was so bad?
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