# Wondering if anyone is going through the same thing



## ajm98 (Jan 22, 2009)

I am wondering if anyone has dealt with anything similar to my situation and what if anything they would advise me to do. What have they done in their similar situation. I am so sorry this is so long of a post bear with me but it has been going on for over two years.

My husband is having what I define as an emotional affair. He started out helping this woman with classes that they had together in school. She ended up failing her first year and had to come back and repeat, but during the time she was supposedly out of school she would still call him and come to the school to audit the classes that she would have the next year. I was a year a head of them both so we had none of the same classes and I did not study with them. I thought nothing of this because I felt bad for her. I knew she was married and had four kids so I didn't feel uncomfortable with them studying together and most of the time there were other people studying with them also. Looking back I should have saw it the night of our schools Christmas party while I was dancing with my girlfriends because my husband does not like to dance. He was sitting at a table with this woman and her husband (first and last time I saw him) and my friend came up to me and said OMG look. The woman was hanging all over my husband and kissing him on the cheek in front of her husband and everyone. I kind of laughed it off to my friend and said oh she is just drunk.

I moved two hours back to our original home with my daughter and he stayed to finish his last year. During the summer before his last year he also came home and she continued to call him. During that time he confided in me that she was being abused by her husband verbally and emotionally. She never admitted to physical abuse to him. So again I felt sorry for her and was very much concerned about her and agreed with my husband we should help her.

This woman asked my husband and his male friend to rent a house with her so it would be cheap for all three. Again I had no problem with this due to them all three being married and knew that all three of them would be living there. After I said yes it was one phone call after another asking for my husband's help with something. Things started to get really weird the first week they were back at school. She started telling my husband she was afraid of her husband and he threatened her ect. That weekend he came home and we went to eat and she called during our supper and he said he needed to leave due to her husband that she was crying and he didn't know what was going on. I reluctantly said go. This went on for almost two months with phone calls every weekend he came home and he left early on more than one occasion to go "help" her. I started to get very upset and told him he needed to get out of the situation because the way she described her husband I was afraid my husband would get hurt. At that time I was dropped out of the loop. I no longer received information about her relationship with her husband. At that time there was not very many invites back down to their house.

The thing that most upset me was Thanksgiving week I found out that my cell phone bill was $50 over due to him letting her use his phone because her husband got upset with her and took her phone away, her credit cards, and her vehicle. I could really see that this was getting out of control and I told him no more. Two weeks later he was supposed to come home early on a Friday to see our daughter perform in a Christmas pagent. He called me and said he was tired and was going to take a nap I questioned him about it and he got kind of pissy with me and said I am just tired I will be home later. He showed up after 5:30 and we had to be there at 6:30. I had not had even time to say hello and his phone rang. It was her husband. At this point I got really really upset. I put out my hand and said give me the phone. He put out his hand like to tell me to stop and I kept insisting, but he just kept talking to her husband. I had to leave my house and go outside because I was afraid I would explode. My ears got hot the top of my head got hot, my face was hot. It was the most mad I have ever been. He left after the pagent and we did not get to speak about it. His mother however whom I love very much knew something was wrong and asked me about it the next day. She wanted to go down that day and kick this woman's ass, but I said no I don't want to add stress to my husband he had tests the next week. Christmas came and we talked about it and he agreed that she was using him to get what she wanted when she didn't have it and told me he would no longer deal with her problems she was on her own. I just told myself at that point that he knew how I felt and that May would come soon and he would be back at our home with us and we would never have to deal with her again.

May came I switched our phones and didn't even keep our old numbers due to thinking then she would not know it and would leave us alone. It all started back again in July and I knew it when again I got a phone bill that was over our minutes, but at that point I was like he is here she is two hours away everything will be ok she will lose interest because she won't be able to see him and the whole thing will be over. He knew I was upset about it and he told me no more talking.

In September I had a huge test that cost me a fortune (over $1,000) to take and plus I had to travel six hours to take it and get a motel room which cost me even more money. He decided to go with me. We had such a good time even though the test was so utterly stressful. On the way back I was talking to my daughter on his phone and dropped the call and didn't know how long the call had been dropped. I looked at his phone a few moments later and saw that he had a couple of texts and a couple of voicemails and said oh you have messages and of course was going to check them thinking it was my daughter. He was driving he jerked the phone out of my hand as fast as possible, but before he jerked it I saw the woman's name. Thank goodness my daughter called next because I was so upset with him. We did not talk all the way home from then on. When I got home I went to bed. The next morning I got up and did something I never thought I would do. I checked our phone bill to see how many times they had text each other. Every day they text each other over 100 times and phoned each other multiple times also. I also did something else that I was not proud of I checked an e-mail account of his that I had a password to and He had written things to her about I miss you with every breath and I love you. My heart broke. I asked to talk to him alone about it and he told me that her relationship with her husband was getting worse and that he didn't love her that he was just telling her that because he knew she had those feelings for him and he was just trying to lure her away from her husband's abuse. I told him he was an idiot that even if that was true that it would not work, because then she would just go back to him after she found out my husband didn't love her. He told me he was sorry he never meant to hurt me, he loved me and wanted to gain my trust and respect back. I told him that it was going to be hard and brought up the point if it had been me in his shoes and he in mine how would he feel. He told me that for the last couple of years he thought that I didn't love him because I didn't even act as if I wanted him to touch me or anything. I brought up the fact that he never once thought maybe I was tired after doing all the school stuff plus try to take care of everyone and keep our house and bills up. He said at the time he didn't realize how hard school was and that it did not occur to him that was the reason. As I was getting up from the bench on the ground laid a fortune from a fortune cookie that read you have to decide what is most important to you. It was like it was placed there for me to find. I handed it to him and walked away. I tried in the coming months to forget aobut the whole thing and move on with our lives. I still checked our phone records on a weekly basis and also checked his e-mail.

I let my gaurd down for a couple of weeks in October and November and no longer checked. Then something just didn't seem right and the week of my birthday I checked the phone messages and her number had started showing up on texts again. I once again had the shock factor but this time I was unusually calm and I think it was because when I talked to him finally after days of silence I knew he was probably not telling me the truth. This time I asked him for a reason. He told me it was because she made him feel needed that he felt my daughter and I did not need him anymore. I was floored I couldn't even believe he said that. When I ask him to do something he comes up with a hundred excuses why he can't do it or he totally "forgets" about it and it doesn't get done. It is like if it has nothing to do with him why should he even think about it. I calmly told him that I was the queen of needing someone to help me and named all of the people that I have depended on in the last few years just to get through everything that I have been through. He had no response. I also told him there was no way I could be like her in some kind of abusive relationship or something and make him feel like he was my knight in shining armour. I told him he knew I was not like that when he married me and there was no way I was becomiing that way. Again he told me everything above like i love you blah blah blah. I mentioned counseling to him and he laughed and said yeah I may need individual counseling too.

The holidays came we never scheduled counseling. We did a family vacation after Christmas and New Year's again I let up on the text checking again. We had such a wonderful time. I had to work a few days we were down there but only from 7:00- 4:30. He said that was the best vacation we had been on. The week we got back I had a crazy feeling again so I checked the texts again. He had been texting her right after New Year's again while we were on the best vacation ever. One day again over 100 texts sent between them.

This time I started searching online. I found the emotional affair thing. He truly has this problem. I don't know if it has become physical or not at this point. In September he told me they never had sex. Again I do not know whether to believe him. I took off my wedding ring and every piece of jewelry he ever gave me and put it away. I think he saw that I did it a couple of days after I did it but he never said anything. Again there has been mostly silence between us. I can't even look at him. I want him as far from me as possible. No touching, no kissing, no hugging has taken place for a week and a half. A night ago I slept on our couch because I was so disgusted with him. I speak to him only out of polietness and so I will not upset my daughter. Another thing that irritates me is he never brings it up. He knows I am upset with him and I think he knows why, but he will never bring it up and talk about it. He never asks what is wrong? what can i do? I always have to bring it up and start the conversation. I can't do it this time the silence to me right now is much better than trying to talk to him about it. I am at the point where I am tired of being the only one to try to fix it, why should I try if he isn't going to take the first step to fix what he has done. The hardest part for me is starting the conversation and I just don't feel like I can do it this time.

I set up a counseling appointment for myself. I feel I need it alone first just to figure out why I am allowing this and for coping strategies. I don't sleep but 2-4 hours a night, my stomach cramps, I get diarrhea, I get nauseated, I don't feel like eating, I could cry at a drop of a hat. It makes me sick literally when I think about it which is all the time except when I am at work.

I don't know what to do right now. I have my counseling appointment in two weeks and I am trying to wait and make my decision after my appointment.

I can hear what everyone is thinking she is an idiot why would she stay with him he has proven he is going to keep doing it. But I can't say that I don't love him. He has been my best friend for 12 years. April will make us 11 years of marriage. I am broken hearted. I love his family I feel like a part of their family like I am a daughter.
I don't know why this is happening in my life, but I know there is a reason I just don't know why yet.


----------



## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

I've been where you are. My wife had a long term EA and I was frozen by fear to the point I just sat back and watched. It wasn't until after it had become physical that she came to me, confessed and was ready to choose me over him. There are things you can do right now to help him make that choice. They aren't easy, and they may drive him away from you while he makes his choice. He might not even make the choice you hope for, but it will get you past this "spectator" position you have slipped into, and that has to happen before anything positive can happen for either of you. Feel free to PM me if you are more comfortable, or we can discuss it here.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You're an idiot all right. But not for what you are doing now. You virtually threw him into her arms. You let them live together, you let him leave you at dinners, you let her kiss on him, you let him comfort her. You basically told him to become her provider, her hero. Hell the only thing you didn't do was to write his fricking love letters to her for him. YOU HAD NO FRIGGING BOUNDARIES.....NONE! Just what the hell did you expect? He was totally justified (not for the EA or PA) in thinking you didn't need him. You need to be set straight. You weren't affectionate. You admitted this and said you were to tired. Well apparently she wasn't to tired. You should leave him or kick him out. That will be the last thing you can do to bring them together. A man needs to be respected. At least by what you wrote, the only time you ever gave an indication that you loved him was when you found out that he phoned her a lot. You let this happen for months and months and months. Read what you wrote here. 

"Thank goodness my daughter called next because I was so upset with him. We did not talk all the way home from then on. When I got home I went to bed. The next morning I got up and did something I never thought I would do. I checked our phone bill to see how many times they had text each other. Every day they text each other over 100 times and phoned each other multiple times also. I also did something else that I was not proud of I checked an e-mail account of his that I had a password to and He had written things to her about I miss you with every breath and I love you. My heart broke."

You let this go on for a year and didn't think to investigate anything?

You let them become best friends. That was your place. Why would you give it to another woman? I am sorry but my opinion stands, you are an idiot. Kick him out because I have no idea how you break them up. Then find someone who doesn't need to be needed. And you may think about setting some boundaries in your marriage next time.


----------



## ajm98 (Jan 22, 2009)

Cheated Don,
You just wrote exactly how I feel. I feel like I am a spectator. It's like I am outside of my body looking at my life through this huge pane of glass. It's that feeling you get when you are in that weird dreaming phase where you are hovering over your own body and suddenly you wake up and fall. I have not had that dream since I was a kid, but gosh I feel that way in my own life. 

School was such a trying time in my life. It was very stressful and I had some physical problems druing that time that made the stress worse. I don't feel like I ever got out of that spectator position because I kind of put myself there so I wouldn't feel anything physically due to pain and emotionally due to stress.

My philosophy with any of my relationships and maybe it's wrong, but I can't change how I feel is that you have to trust someone to do the right thing and if they are not going to it doesn't matter what you do or say they are still going to do it if that is truly what they want to do or feel.

I would like to hear how you chose to deal with you wife in your situation.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

ajm98 said:


> My philosophy with any of my relationships and maybe it's wrong, but I can't change how I feel is that you have to trust someone to do the right thing and if they are not going to it doesn't matter what you do or say they are still going to do it if that is truly what they want to do or feel.


I'm sorry to say but you were wrong. You basically ignored everything that was happening between them. In fact at some points in your initial post you actually encouraged them

*You "agreed that your husband should help her". Not the both of you? Just him. That was your first major mistake. *

You then let them move in together. DID YOU NOT EVEN IMAGINE THAT THERE COULD BE ANYTHING MORE THEN FRIENDSHIP THERE?

How about the Christmas party. You leave him alone with her She is kissing on him and you make excuses for her. 

*"The woman was hanging all over my husband and kissing him on the cheek in front of her husband and everyone. I kind of laughed it off to my friend and said oh she is just drunk."

Are you that naive about alcohol. Well allow me to clue you in. Alcohol (or her being drunk) did not make her kiss him. Alcohol only reduces a persons inhibitions so they will act out what they wanted to do anyways.

Did you ever think to tell him that "if you ever saw her lips on him again, you would rip them off and staple them to her ass?"*

How long did you let these two go unsupervised from beginning. 2 years? And you had no thought about putting a stop to this. She was with him 5 days a week and you were with him two. 

So then when your husband figured that you didn't need him. Do you think that your "philosophy" might have given him the idea that you didn't need him? And add that you weren't affectionate because you were tired. There was no way he might have thought that you were not attracted to him?

You are so damn cerebral and enlightened. Have you ever heard of the word "temptation". How about adultery? I tell you what why don't you ask the women on this board. In fact ask any woman if she would have allowed this? You basically enlightened your way into losing your husband. Nobody can say that you don't put your "philosophy" into action.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Initfortheduration - I think your being a bit harsh - she came asking for advice...not to be told she's an idiot. She trusted her husband to do the right thing - I'm not sure that's being an idiot. You can't blame her for what happened, yes, maybe she should have discussed this "friend" and any misgivings sooner - but as I told someone else on the boards earlier today. Its NOT her fault that he cheated. The person who cheats always has an option - to tell their SO that their are issues and what they are and potentially if they have had thoughts of cheating - or - to cheat. If they can't work it out then they should seperate - but not cheat. (speaking from someone who learned their own lessons)


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ok ya I will have to agree with infortheduration I think that by her letting him move in with her telling him to confort her and she is all distant from him. hmmm I dont know its a messy mess she should have been putting a stop on that.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Once my wife wanted to go to lunch with someone she had slept with before we had met. There would have been 3 people so they would not have been alone. When she asked me I not only said no. I SAID HELL NO! That's all I needed was my wife and this guy looking at each other across the table remembering how they were screwing each other. Sorry if that seems neanderthal to you. But I saw red flags all over the situation.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

TNgirl232 said:


> Initfortheduration - I think your being a bit harsh - she came asking for advice...not to be told she's an idiot. She trusted her husband to do the right thing - I'm not sure that's being an idiot. You can't blame her for what happened, yes, maybe she should have discussed this "friend" and any misgivings sooner - but as I told someone else on the boards earlier today. Its NOT her fault that he cheated. The person who cheats always has an option - to tell their SO that their are issues and what they are and potentially if they have had thoughts of cheating - or - to cheat. If they can't work it out then they should seperate - but not cheat. (speaking from someone who learned their own lessons)


Tngirl. I was only confirming what she had already brought up as a possibility.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Ok ya I will have to agree with infortheduration I think that by her letting him move in with her telling him to confort her and she is all distant from him. hmmm I dont know its a messy mess she should have been putting a stop on that.


Hey sunflower. Can you imagine your husband comforting your friend FOR TWO YEARS? You are already looking for a place to dispose of the body.


----------



## ajm98 (Jan 22, 2009)

Initfortheduration,

I'm not sure what your situation is, but I feel I have had enough of your "advice". I came upon this site and had reluctance to even post anything here because I am usually a very private person. I have not had anyone to talk to about this and needed to find a place to find someone who may understand anything that I have been through. I feel as though I have been attacked by you and not once did you say that you had been through the same thing which is what my post had stated. I have unfortunantly not had the honor to read many of your posts from other threads, but the ones I have seen you have negativity throughout your posts. I did not take the time (due to my marriage and not you being of more importance) to look at many of your threads but I did not find any threads that you started yourself to tell us about you, you seem to know the answer to everyone's problems, but have not given any information about why you are here. I started not to even rely to you because I feel that all my energy needs to go into my life not your negativity, but I have noticed in your threads that you make negative comments and that no one confronts you so I figured why not be the first. 
If you have a problem with my story stop reading it. I'm not here for negativity I have enough of that in my life. I'm here for friendship, an ear and any advice that can be given to me from someone that has been in a similar situation. From your posts and negativity you obviously can't see when someone is hurt and needs someone to be caring, not confrontational. You may think that I am an idiot, but I do not regret loving my husband and giving my trust to him. What is a relationship when you can't love or trust? That is a relationship that is called let's see how much I can control someone and that is not for me. Yes I have made mistakes and I admit to that, but I am not the only one to blame and as I stated above if a person is going to cheat on you then they are going to do it there is nothing you can do about it. I will not be in a relationship where I have to have someone under lock and key that is not a relationship. I would not want someone to do that to me.
I hope that you can find some sort of happiness in your life and I hope you don't go throgh your whole life being angry at the world. As for me I will not be listening anymore this is my last post I should have went with my gut and kept to myself. Thank you everyone for listening hope God is kind to you all and may love and trust be found in all or your lives.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

ajm98 - please hang in there - I don't know any other advice for you at the moment other than the counseling you have already set up. There are lots of people on this site who are very helpful so hopefully you haven't given up with on it yet!!! Keep checking back. As you know everyone has an opinion of how things should be. Some have a more black and white view of the world than others. I am like you and believe that trusting your spouse to do the right thing is key and I believe that while their may be warning signs and things you can do to steer someone away from a potential affair - the decision to actually cross the line is all theirs. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you and hope you find some peace and a good nights sleep soon.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sometimes you have to fight for what you love. And my opinion is one of many. There are those who look at my post as judgmental and there are those who have thanked me for my directness. I wonder if you read the stories through. Or just my posts. You can ask others on this board. Mclovin, sunflower, cooper. I am not always vociferous. And some people react in completely different ways. Some people do not like any confrontation. Some refuse to take any responsibility for the state of their marriages. If I am at fault for anything it is that I am a zealot for marriage. And I hate to see them fall apart because of apathy. You ask about my story. I don't have one. I am in a strong marriage of 29 years. There is no infidelity in it. I love my wife more today then when we were first married. And as far as I can remember I have never seen my wife flirt or even look at another man with a lustful gaze. Is our marriage perfect no. We are in counseling right now for a tune up on our communication. We are becoming empty nesters. marriages are in the most danger at two points. At around 7 to 10 years. and then things smooth out till empty nest time. These two times have the highest rates of divorce. Am I a cheater no. Does that mean that my opinion is less valuable then those who have cheated or been cheated on. I can not comment on that. But I have had a lot of experience in defending marriage. I was mentored by a man who was married for over 60 years on how to love your wife sacrificially. We come from two different worlds. You have your beliefs on how a marriage should work and I have mine. To me a marriage is a precious fragile thing that must be defended, nurtured and yes even fought for. The funny thing is. I only repeated what you said. Sometimes it hurts when people read and understand what you said so well that when it is repeated back to you it sounds horrible. I truly wish that you could reconcile. But marriage is about boundaries. You can read countless tragic stories in here where people have not set boundaries. And the result is another failed marriage. I am sorry if you think that having a strong marriage disqualifies my opinion. But I do believe " in a multitude of counselors there is wisdom". The best of luck to you and your husband.


----------



## kmd (Jan 23, 2009)

Hi, I just wanted to give you a different perspective on the matter. I don't think that you are an idiot at all. I have been on the cheating side of this and I can assure you that he is cheating on you. When I cheated I always found reasons why the other person needed me and then I would run to him when my spouse gave me a chance. He doesn't bring it up because he doesn't want to get caught. You keep finding messages because it is still going on. It sounds to me that they have created a real relationship with one another and that can't just end over night. He might tell you that it is over, but its not. Believe me I was him. I wanted my husband because I knew he was stable and would always be there, but I could only run over him for so long. Don't let your husband run over you anymore talk to him that is the only way you will figure things out. I understand that you don't want to believe the truth, because the lies are so much easier to deal with. Your not an idiot, your someone who loves their husband and refuses to think that he could do something so horrible, but believe he can and he is. Good luck.


----------

