# Lost sexual attraction to husband



## dahhhlin (Jul 7, 2012)

Ive been driving myself crazy reading other posts, so i figured I'd post my own issues...

I'm 27, my husband is 28. We've been together for almost 8 years, got married last year, no kids. About two years ago we had a small separation where we were both with other people. In the time leading up to the separation, I had began to think I was no longer as sexual as I once was. I always loved sex, I was experimental, definitely not a prude but all that was gone and I didn't care whether I had sex or not ever again. I really thought I was asexual.

Then the separation happened. I began to see another guy, and I quickly realized that I definitely wasn't asexual, as a matter of fact I was exactly who I had always known myself to be...very highly sexual.

So eventually my then boyfriend and I got back together, because we get along great, we rarely fight, we have a blast together, but the sex it still sucks.

We have sex 2-3 times a week and I play along and pretend I'm having a good time and he would never know anything was wrong. But the truth is I don't want him touching me, kissing me (I cringe when he does) and I don't have any fun during sex. No matter how much I coach or talk to through stuff he still fumbles around, he ends up hurting me, tickling me, and then he humps me for a few minutes and I'm safe for a day or two. I do orgasm when I take control of the situation, but its still not fun.

I feel like such a big *****, he is a great guy, amazingly handsome, we are great in every other aspect of our relationship but I can't get over the sex thing!

I keep telling myself to try harder and try new things, but its been going on for years now. I'm beginning to think that it'll never change.

So is sex worth ending a relationship? And when do you know you've reached the point of return?

thx.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

For me, sex is worth ending a relationship if it one of your top needs. You need to be honest with your husband either way. It will bite you in the butt at some point if ou keep this a secret. Let him know and then ou can oth make informed decisions on what to do next.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I love my husband...but our sex life is painfully boring. 

Don't get me wrong, I love rough fun sex, but not every time. Sometimes I just want to be romanced. 

I've told my husband that he makes me like a piece of meat because he just wants to bang and go to bed. I have told him he makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort on his part to even try and get me in the mood. I never turn him down, but I am also never in the mood when we start either. His idea of making an effort is 2 pop kisses and then stick it in.

Ugh..

I do think about sex with other men, but I could not and would not ever cheat on my husband, or leave him over this.

I talk, he doesnt listen to my needs. At the end of all this it has become where I never initiate, but I am always willing when he wants.

I do masturbate, and I am at a point where I wouldn't care if I ever had sex again.

I get aroused when he isn't around..which sucks. When he is around, its just duty sex. Very rarely do I really really enjoy it.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

dahhlin, if you find your sex life with your husband revolting now, what do you think it will be like in another ten years should you decide to stay in the marriage in order to take advantage of his more favorable attributes? As long as you remain in the faking mode, you will be secure. But eventually you will get around to looking elsewhere and end up the subject of one of the threads on this board or an other one.
Rest assured that you can keep this charade going if you are cautious.
My ex already knew that sex with me wasn't going to be the greatest when we married, but she already had plans to alleviate that without my help or knowledge.
However, she did like the comfortable living arrangement I provided her.


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## dahhhlin (Jul 7, 2012)

Was it always like that for you Ano? 

And I agree with not trying to get me in the mood, which I've discussed with him over and over again. I know when he wants to get laid because that's usually when he magically ends up sitting right next to me on the couch and he's starts invading my personal space. Then I start feeling like one of those gazelles being stalked lion. And half the time my shirt/bra never even come off, its like the type of sex 16 year olds have in the back of a car.

At some point we just got on different wave lengths and things just got not good. I keep trying but its really starting to get old.

ugh...just typing this makes me feel hopeless


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Most of the time I'm the one that takes my own shirt off...and I just leave his on. It's just become so awful.

I don't remember if its always been like this. We used to have a lot of sex before we had our son, who is now 3. Ever since parenting set in, its been maybe every other day..or every 2 days..which sucks because I've always had a high drive.

I pretty much just masturbate when he's not around and go about my business. 

I think about sex all day long...but when I get in bed with him, part of me just hopes he doesn't try anything because its so terrible.

I don't know what else to do. I've set it out for him so clearly. I've told him exactly what I want him to do....and he will for maybe 1 or 2 times after the talk...then he goes right back to his "rip and dip". 

No effort involved.

Its okay...I'm only your wife!


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

I think us men can at times be very lazy when it comes to sex, many times our urge to just stick it in his high, the o ly way around this is talking to your husband, tell him exactly what you want and how it makes you feel, men can deal with directness so don't be shy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

mestalla guy said:


> I think us men can at times be very lazy when it comes to sex, many times our urge to just stick it in his high, the o ly way around this is talking to your husband, tell him exactly what you want and how it makes you feel, men can deal with directness so don't be shy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have been VERY direct....with no progress. I guess its too much effort for him. The only foreplay we really have is when he wants a blow job...which I don't even enjoy doing that because of the way he goes about it. We'll be watching tv and he'll just grab my head randomly and push it in that area. Its like really?!?? Kiss me or maybe a little touching or rubbing to get me started. Then I may actually enjoy the whole thing. 

Its a lost cause. He is boring in bed. Its just something I have learned to accept.


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

Stop giving him the sex that he wants, deny him, make him work for it, you never know, he might be willing to take care of your needs. Don't let him away with being lazy and thoughtless towards you. You need to stop making it easier for him, he isn't responding to your needs by you telling him, so you need to get on the level he does respond too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

dahhhlin said:


> And I agree with not trying to get me in the mood, which I've discussed with him over and over again. I know when he wants to get laid because that's usually when he magically ends up sitting right next to me on the couch and he's starts invading my personal space. Then I start feeling like one of those gazelles being stalked lion. And half the time my shirt/bra never even come off, its like the type of sex 16 year olds have in the back of a car.
> 
> At some point we just got on different wave lengths and things just got not good. I keep trying but its really starting to get old.



dahhhlin, I do think you're going to need to spell it out for him. That's a very interesting analogy you used (not the gazelle one, though I love how amazingly descriptive and perfectly "guy-like" that is) about the 16-year olds in the back of a car. Some guys (I probably can put myself in this group) were a bit slower to mature than our female counterparts. Granted, your husband SHOULD have outgrown this the closer he gets to 30, but perhaps not.

I feel your pain, though, because I know what it's like to be happy about the rest of the relationship and be unhappy with the lack of sexual attraction. If you have lost that attraction at this point, I don't know that there is anything you can do to fully regain it.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Ano said:


> We'll be watching tv and he'll just grab my head randomly and push it in that area. Its like really?!?? Kiss me or maybe a little touching or rubbing to get me started. Then I may actually enjoy the whole thing.
> 
> Its a lost cause. He is boring in bed. Its just something I have learned to accept.


No, you don't have to accept this. When he grabs your hand and pushes it there, pull away from him. Show him what you want. Give him a long, romantic kiss. Put his hands where you want them to be on your body. Do not give in when you are unhappy. Take action to show him what you like. If he refuses to acknowledge what you are doing, tell him there is no sex tonight. I'll bet he'll come around, but you must take the lead and be persistent.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I have tried to slow down the process and start kissing him and what not, bit he always strata away from it and speeds things up.


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## dahhhlin (Jul 7, 2012)

I really feel like I've done my fair share of tell him what to do and how to do it.

Like the most basic thing...kissing...he does this movie kiss thing where is moves his head around...why? I don't know...its not only annoying but his facial hair stubble rubs all over my face and leaves my skin irritated and red. I've told him repeatedly to stop doing that. I've gone as far as to try to hold his head in place, and he still does it. The funny part was I saw an email from the girl he was seeing during our time apart saying what a good kisser he was. I lol'ed at the difference in perception. 

He actually started going to therapy lately and his therapist suggested to him that he has issues with sex because he expects its, thinks he shouldn't have to put any work into it, and his partner should just want him whenever he wants and he takes any kind of rejection in the department as a personal blow to him as a person.

Does anyone have a long marriage where they are still happy with their sex life and never had issues? OR if they did have issues got past it?

I can't be in a marriage with mediocre sex, no way. But I also have to try to fix it.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Than LEAVE

if you dont have passion, intimacy, commitment than its pointless unless you want a marriage that is not a true love. A true love is the "consummate love" it has passion intimacy and commitment. If you feel that is not existent than do not deny it be real with yourself and your feelings and rejoice in the good memories you had with that person and move on. Its best to move on when you notice these signs than to stay in a marriage that is simply pounded by commitment or that of intimacy, if no passion or no intimacy exists than it will fail and at best all you can have is commitment and thus a unhappy marriage because passion and intimacy are essential. A man without his intimacy will not have passion and will seek affection outside the marriage keep this in mind you may find yourself wanting to do the same thing as you wont get the affection you so long for.

BE TRUE WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND 

you can prevent future heartache and future destruction of a life if you act now


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi
I think the underlying issue is that he continues to not understand you. Your communication above is straight and very clear to me, if you have spoken to him as directly about the problems as you have spoken to us I am curious as to why he has not changed (that is, listened to your needs and acted differently).

You say that the relationship is great and he is handsome. So perhaps his problem isn't sexual alone, but it hinges on his ability to understand, communicate, understand your needs emotionally and change his behaviour. 

Obviously, you might be thinking. However my point is this communication thing is what is really frustrating you, then perhaps it would be helpful to look into emotional intelligence and what ever it is that is causing him to hold on to his old habits and ideas. Once that is addressed then later come back to the topic of sex. For example, if he cannot even cook an egg to your taste despite you having communicated it clearly and kindly to him, then there is really another issue here.

Just a thought.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

"Does anyone have a long marriage where they are still happy with their sex life and never had issues? OR if they did have issues got past it?" 

My ex fit that description and she addressed it by cheating on me with a whole string of guys. It lasted for her for twenty years and a few months. Now she's cheating on different guys since the others failed to measure up, as well.


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