# Feeling lost and confused



## Dawn2moon (9 mo ago)

I met my husband at 17 and we have been together for 20 years. Throughout the years I’ve experienced some physical abuse, mental abuse, he’s also cheated several times, gave me a std. He’s always explained that the physical abuse was not serious because he didn’t come home and just beat on me for no reason. He would only get upset and resort to violence if I made him mad, or if he felt disrespected. I’ve isolated myself from friends. I only have my mother and our relationship isn’t that great.
We have two kids, who are both teens now, I feel like I have failed my kids in not protecting them from seeing how he treats me. His personality is like a doctor Jekyll and mr Hyde and I don’t know why I’ve thought it was ok to deal with. I’ve had depression since I was young, and experienced some trauma and I feel like he has used this against me. 

About three years ago he cheated in our marriage but he stopped messing with the woman and we continued our relationship. Even though he would remind me we weren’t ok, he was sleeping with me and acting like we were married. 

Three weeks ago my husband told me we were done, and I’m hurt. I’m confused on why I’m hurt when this person has hurt me soo much. I feel like I am going to be lost without him. He’s moved into another room in the house. He talks to the women on the phone in our house and he has been leaving to go be with them so I am left at home without a car. He tells me the woman knows he is living with me still and was recently in the bed with me and she doesn’t care. 

When I react and tell him I’m confused on how everything changed so quickly he tells me he was just playing along with me for three years to not hurt my feelings and he wants me to be happy. How can someone want me to be happy but hurt me like this? He tells me to go date other men to move on from him. I feel like I’m nobody. My depression has been overwhelming and I’m trying to get through the days and smile with my kids. He continues to flirt with me and make sexual comments. But I’m distancing myself because I don’t want to experience any more hurt. He’s given me ultimatums and boundaries but when I try to set my own he tells me I’m trying to control him.

I’m 37 and wondering if I have been manipulated all this time, and that feels sickening. From reading online a lot of his comments seem to be narcissistic. He tells me I explain stuff incorrectly, think incorrectly. I recently starting seeing a therapist and he makes me feel like that’s pitiful for someone to help me with my feelings and depression. He tells me he knows when he is wrong and right and doesn’t need anyone to tell him so. 

This relationship is toxic. I don’t understand why I feel lost in losing him. I don’t have any friends to get support from. And I’ve never told anyone of all the stuff I’ve went through in our relationship. Everyone thinks he is an amazing man. 

this is my first time sharing this. And I’m embarrassed that this is my life. And that I want to stay with a man who is like this. He has some great qualities, but the stuff he has done to me shouldn’t have been allowed. And I allowed him to keep treating me like this. 
He wants a divorce but told me to go get it because if he gets it, it will make me look like a woman that no one wants. I told him to get the divorce.

We are currently living in the same home because he can’t afford to get his own place and support us like he is now. So I’m thankful he didn’t leave us to fend on our own. But he’s never had to be on his own, he never opened a bank account, done taxes, set up utilities, pay insurance, fill out any application. I’ve done everything on that end since we were 17. So I wonder if he is not going to move out because he is worried if he can’t do it. 

I was hoping that maybe I could get some advice on how to deal with the situation, how to set my boundaries without him getting upset, how to deal with his comments to me and sexual flirtations. How to live in a household and keep peace and also start to love and protect me. How to move on without breaking down crying everyday.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I would encourage you to please share what you have written with your therapist. My thoughts are that you need professional support to safely navigate yourself out of this relationship. I would also suggest contacting a domestic violence organisation for guidance. Do this privately and without your husband knowing. To me, the safety of your psychological and physical health are paramount; and you will need the support of others to help support and guide you through this - including with legal considerations.

Well done on going to a counsellor and for reaching out here.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Could not agree more with @heartsbeating. In many ways, this has been a blessing. It sounds like you knew you need to be out of the relationship a long time ago, but just couldn't. But he has forced the situation. 

Hopefully, soon you will be free and can begin healing. But you are not out of the woods yet. He still lives with you. You need to remember that despite your feelings, he does not have your or your children's best interest at heart. Which means you must put them first. And that means get clever. Hire a lawyer and have them help you make the right decisions. Including how you can get out of the house safely. Even though your husband says it's over, he still needs you to take care of things. This may mean that if you leave he won't take it well. And you really need to leave. You shouldn't be under the same roof as him for your mental and physical health.


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## tryinmyhardest (9 mo ago)

I’m going through the same thing right now, I’m totally lost too. I did however manage to get him out of the house, and my kids and I are doing better. I’m still feeling that loss despite what happened, just like you. You’re grieving. You’re grieving your marriage. Keep up with your therapist, I’m depending on mine. Be totally open and honest with them, and check what resources you have in your community for help. He will gaslight you because he actually needs you, not the other way around. His force is what has been able to keep him there. You need to focus on your intention, you and your kids, and ground yourself in it. That’s what you’ll hold onto.


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## Dawn2moon (9 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> I would encourage you to please share what you have written with your therapist. My thoughts are that you need professional support to safely navigate yourself out of this relationship. I would also suggest contacting a domestic violence organisation for guidance. Do this privately and without your husband knowing. To me, the safety of your psychological and physical health are paramount; and you will need the support of others to help support and guide you through this - including with legal considerations.
> 
> Well done on going to a counsellor and for reaching out here.


Thank you, reading these replies have made me feel like I can make it through this. Thank you.


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## Dawn2moon (9 mo ago)

BlueWoman said:


> Could not agree more with @heartsbeating. In many ways, this has been a blessing. It sounds like you knew you need to be out of the relationship a long time ago, but just couldn't. But he has forced the situation.
> 
> Hopefully, soon you will be free and can begin healing. But you are not out of the woods yet. He still lives with you. You need to remember that despite your feelings, he does not have your or your children's best interest at heart. Which means you must put them first. And that means get clever. Hire a lawyer and have them help you make the right decisions. Including how you can get out of the house safely. Even though your husband says it's over, he still needs you to take care of things. This may mean that if you leave he won't take it well. And you really need to leave. You shouldn't be under the same roof as him for your mental and physical health.


Thank you, I’ve ignored me, and lost my self worth. I think I was just too scared to make the step to leave. Thank you for your words. They are giving me strength.


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## Dawn2moon (9 mo ago)

tryinmyhardest said:


> I’m going through the same thing right now, I’m totally lost too. I did however manage to get him out of the house, and my kids and I are doing better. I’m still feeling that loss despite what happened, just like you. You’re grieving. You’re grieving your marriage. Keep up with your therapist, I’m depending on mine. Be totally open and honest with them, and check what resources you have in your community for help. He will gaslight you because he actually needs you, not the other way around. His force is what has been able to keep him there. You need to focus on your intention, you and your kids, and ground yourself in it. That’s what you’ll hold onto.


I’m sorry you are going through the same thing. You’re right I need to be honest with my therapist. I haven’t shared the physical abuse with her, I’m embarrassed to share that. I find it hard to focus on me, but I’m focusing on my kids. I definitely need to be more intentional on loving and supporting me so I can heal. Thank you for your words. I don’t feel alone.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Please start sharing with your therapist the more complete view of your experiences with the abuse; as a means for them to in turn further support you in supporting yourself. I'm glad that you returned to the forum.


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