# Help, not sure what to do....



## fkncrr (Mar 8, 2013)

My husband and I have been married going on 2 1/2 years and together going on 6. We are both now 30. However, I have known him since middle school. This story is really long, so bear with me. I had a big thing for my husband in HS. My senior year, I convinced my BFF who had a class with him to get his phone number or AIM name. She did. We talked on the phone once, and used to chat several times via AIM, but never hung out. About a year after graduation, I joined the military and left home. Around that time, he started dating another girl from my grade, and they continued to date for about 6 years. We kept in contact, but it was always, always strictly platonic. I'm not really sure why. It was literally 2 minute AIM convos that were like "Hey, how are you." and that's it.

I eventually had a bf, and the relationship was TERRIBLE. All we did was fight. We had the cops called on us a couple times. It ended horribly bad. I was admittedly traumatized. I moved in with a roommate and immediately cut all contact with him. In late 2007, I was diagnosed with staph infection and I was not allowed to go to work for about a week for fear of contaminating someone else and also because I was healing from the massive chunk they took out of my leg due to the infection. Because of this, H and I were online a lot during the same time of day. Again, the convos were platonic, but he hinted that he thought he might be breaking up with his girlfriend. And I was just like, whatever, I don't care I live 1,400 miles away and I basically told him to do whatever he thought he needed to do in his life.

At the end of 2007, he did just that and told her to move out. About a week later he asked for my phone number. I was single, lived far away, and I really did not think anything would come of it. He called me and as they say, the rest is history. By the end of January 2008, I had bought a plane ticket home to "meet" him. We hit it off instantly. He came back with me to the other state. We were, I have to say, immediately in love. I wish I could go back to those first days... it was incredible. The long distance was hard, and I had obvious issues with my ex and carried some emotional baggage. I told him this. He said it was okay, and that everyone has their problems. We tried our best to make it work with the LD, and because of my job, I was not going to leave the state I was in. He immediately talked about moving to where I lived. But he was close with his family, and I personally knew how hard a transition like that was. So I told him to think about it. He was offended. All the while he was still cool with his ex, and I was cool with it because they had a leased truck together and a phone bill.... you can probably see where this is going. In April of 2008, he told me he was going to take the chances on the truck, it was not fair they were still friends blah blah. I said okay, do what you need to do. It was my knowledge they had no contact after that.

In July 2008 he visited me. He left and I was heartbroken as always. I bought a plane ticket to home that night. The next morning, he called and dumped me literally out of the blue. He said it was because of something I said while he was on the trip. I knew in my heart it was something else. Our relationship had been nothing short of fantastic. For 2 days I tried desperately to reach him. I was devastated. He shut his phone off. It was... literally one of the worst moments of my life. The one where you can relive it years later in the pit of your stomach.

He eventually called me, and said "I cannot be without you, I ****ed up, I am so sorry, I am just really stressed with the long distance." I asked him if it had to do with his ex, and he blew me off. I knew it did, and we basically had problems from then on. One night, I hung up on him when he would not answer my questions. We did not talk for about 3 days prior to my trip. When I arrived in my home state, he asked if he could see me. He came to my hotel, spent the night, and said something weird: "Ex has been trying to contact me a lot, I think you should know." I said: "Is that it?" He said yes. I was literally like, okay, oh well. We slept together and went to sleep. The next day we ran errands and then he took me to his sisters in her dark basement. He sat me down and said "there is something I need to tell you. I took [ex] to a car show."

I was slowly trying to process the information. Admittedly, I was naive. I mean, me and this girl are no contest. I know that is vain and rude, and whatever. But she shot her credit by the time she was like 20, made $10 an hour or something and still lived at home with her parents. By that time I had an honorable discharge, and I was trying desperately to finish college and apply for my Masters degree. So I just looked at him and I said: "Do you love her still?" He said no. I said: "Were you holding hands with her at this place?" He said no. Then I asked: "Did you kiss her?" He did not answer. Shaking, I told him to take me back to my hotel room. I went straight to the bar and I was in shock. Then his psycho ex called me, but I mean that's not even worth getting into. They never talked again. He changed his phone number, email, etc. Begged for forgiveness and I forgave him. He wanted to get married and he was willing to move to the state I lived in.

He was laid off and in December of 2008 he packed his stuff up and drove down straight through a 25 hour drive because he wanted to be there in time for Christmas. In April of 2009 he proposed. In December 2010 we married.

However, when he moved to the state, he was a handful. Depressed, severely moody. He drank a lot and threatened to leave me a million times. He was also very jealous because in the heat of the moment during an argument, I told him I wanted to get him back (I was just merely venting). He used that against me (go figure) for the longest time to justify his jealousness and insecurity saying that I "made him that way." He would call me names, and he was just generally unhappy. But I held on desperately to the man I knew before he stepped out on me. I could not, not, just NOT imagine my life without him. And generally 90% of the time he was an absolute angel to me. Still is to this day. But when he's mean, he is MEAN. It's unbearable. Like for example, we came home for Christmas 2009/2010 and on NYE because a man at this stupid bar I didn't even want to go to bought me and his sisters a drink, he called me a ***** in front of them & proceeded to ignore me the rest of the night. I bawled my eyes out, and his own sister told me to leave him. I didn't listen. I just refused to believe that that was the kind of person he was. I constantly forgave him for his bad behavior.

The other thing is that I was the stable one in the relationship. I had had my post-military job since I left the military for a VERY high profile place. I made good money. I had like no debt. He sometimes made $200 a week and had debt (he was previously laid off and racked up credit card debt going to school -- he is in a very big, specialized field in our home state that has taking a lot of turns in the past 5 years, I am sure its easy to figure out). I paid our rent for the first year we lived together so he could get on his feet. All of our bills. He is a hard working, motivated person. Eventually he found really good employment, made good money and I crawled him out of debt and helped us save for our wedding. His moods stabilized. When we married, we were actually very happy. In April 2011 my dad announced that he was divorcing his second wife whom I share a 10 year old brother and that he was most likely going to foreclose on my childhood home. In May 2011, my H's father suffered a heart attack. We immediately flew home to be by his side. In July of that year, his 33 y/o brother in law was diagnosed with colon cancer. We, together, made the painful decision to move home to aid our families. I went to school full time (12 hours) and worked ~50 hours a week because I knew I needed to complete my degree before we moved. I graduated in October 2011 and took the GRE the next day and applied to a Masters program in our home state within a week.

From time to time, even after we were married, he would threaten to leave me. This left me emotionally vacant. It was so hard to be so attached to someone you love so dearly and have them threaten to walk out on you. I will admit, I am not as affectionate as him. I was when we first started dating, and I did a lot of little things for him. I tried in other ways to support him however I could. I furnished our apartment, I paid our bills, I cooked when I could, I supported whatever he wanted to do. I let him, at times, walk all over me. This lead to emotional famish on my part, and I started to detach from him. Sex was not as frequent. However, I did have problems because of the stress of 2011 which caused me to have my period several times a month (sorry TMI).

Last year, we moved home. I left my high powered job and my life as I essentially knew it behind. I thought he would be happier closer to home (he frequently complained how much he hated the state I lived in). All the friends I had made in the past 11 years were now 1,400 miles away (I am not close with like 95% of my family). I struggled to find a job and sat home for 5 months. I worked since I was 16, so that was VERY hard on me. I just was not myself... I was really hoping I would adapt. Today, a year later, I am still struggling. In May I was accepted to my graduate program. It is a #2 program in the field. Huge school -- just really a blessing. And best of all, the government is paying. I found a job in June 2012 and things were better. We unfortunately racked up a little debt (I was home too long without income and we expired our savings) and then...

My egg donor of a mother who I have seen 2x in 11 years got in contact. She is a drug addict. Pills, coke, alcohol. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. I still have not seen her. I really don't care about her at all (and I can't even get into it right now). Unfortunately she test positive for both BRCA1 & 2. Which, let me just translate: if I test positive for either one, it is recommended that I have a ovary removal and mastectomy by the age of 35. She notified me of this via text. I had to get my first breast exam at the age of 30. This sent me in a downward spiral. I am still too scared to get tested for the BRCA gene. I was devastated. Not myself. Crying all the time, totally detached from everyone, including my husband. I was put on Prozac which holy hell ****ed me UP. I just... can't even explain it. I started drinking to excess which made it even worse, just so, so bad. At this time I was working full time and taking 2 grad classes and 1 undergrad pre-req course. I managed, thank God, to escape my first semester with a 3.75. My husband found a great paying job and it is a highly publicized company (he was on the front page of the news in January...) and for the first time the tables had really turned. I made less than I did in my old job but still provided our health insurance. Anyways, the company + my depression made for a bad mix. It's going to make the story more complicated, but given my work history, I can assure you I would never quit somewhere without really needing to. There was an ethics issue, and I am in an ethical filed. It was my husband who convinced me to quit. He said **** it, go to school full time, you get money from the VA, you don't need to work right now. And so in January 2013, I did just that. I have been unemployed ever since and am taking 4 graduate classes (which is just insane).

I am still not myself. I am detached and withdrawn and generally not the person I used to be. Everyone who knows me knows that. (Oh, I forgot that his sister did attack me last year and then threatened me with a weapon -- so being home has just totally SUCKED) He frequently complained. But I just begged and begged him to listen to me -- I am depressed. I don't want to have sex (I have gained probably 30 lbs) and I am becoming increasingly quiet and withdrawn. I barely talk to anyone, it's not just him. Anyways, a couple times he threatened to leave. And so the last time I was like what you are doing is emotional ABUSE. If you are going to leave, just ****ing do it. Do not drag me through the mud.

And today he did just that.

Yesterday I asked him to come hang out with my friends (we are with his family literally 24/7, oh and last time I was out with my friends which was New Years, he threw a fit in front of them, embarrassing me, I don't know what it is about NYE). He said he would come. 45 minutes later he just text that he can't make it. And I was pissed. WTF. I can spend all this time and money with your family, and you can let your sister attack me, but you can't come out with my friend ONE TIME? And we weren't even out! We were at her HOUSE. He just stopped answering me.

I spent the night at my friends on the couch. Little did I know he took one of our dogs and went to his moms. When I got home this morning I had an appt at the vet for both our critters. We each came into the relationship with one, and he left my dog at home. Probably didn't even feed her. I feel sick just thinking about it. I text his step dad asking if he had our pug he said he did, but did not mention my H was there (I figured he went to work). I show up and my H is there. Wow. 

I take the dogs to the vet, and his dog is very sick. I do everything for this dog, he hasn't even been to the vet with us in a year. This dog has turned into my little baby. Everyone knows it. Now he is 9, and so he is not the same. When I got home from the appt, he had all his **** packed up. I locked myself in a room with the dog because I knew he would try to take him. And I honestly don't trust him to care for him like the dog needs (eye drops, ear drops, glucose, ear cleaning, etc) and he stood outside the door and just told me I treat him like **** and he can't take it anymore. He was liek you know I love you, just all this crazy ****. But I was shaking with anger, so I stayed mostly quiet. How do you abandon your wife who depends on you, who has supported you for years 2 months after she quits her job.

I have nothing. I am no longer in a position of power like I used to be. He had the nerve to call me selfish. His actual words were "if you had not been so selfish, maybe this wouldn't be happening to you."

He does do a lot of little things for me. And now provides for me financially. He tells me I am beautiful every single day. He buys me stuff for no reason. I do not return a lot of his advances. Long story short, I don't want to get divorced. I am not sure what to do at this point... he thinks I'm just this horrible person & I am not. I am really alone here and miserable


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh my, hugs. You've been through a lot.

I think that your first step should be to start individual counseling. Check with the health department at your school, they might even provide it for free or at least at low cost. I think you need a professional to help you understand whether your husband is emotionally abusive and if so, why you've put up with it. 

Take your time here. There's no rush to get back together, and unless both of you work on your own issues, I can't see this getting better. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who's half out the door all the time? No!! You deserve better!


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

I agree that individual counseling sessions will help you to get a better sense of what's going on, what went wrong, how to deal, etc. I too have a similiar situation and I feel for you. The medical issues don't make it any easier and I know it is scary but I do think that you should go in and get the test so you know what you are dealing with. Once you know you'll be able to decide how to procede, now I would assume you feel stuck because your not sure what it is you may or may not have. Either way the counseling sessions will help you with the tools you will need to cope with such medical issues. I am in college as well and go to the student health center at my U for all of my medical needs. It is very affordable and they bill all co-payments, test costs, etc. to my student account so that I can pay whenever I have the money or let my financial aid pay it. They also offer a student insurance plan for those who would need to see a doctor on a regular basis or need high cost treatments. 

As far as med's are concerned, each one acts differently on different people. I have been medicated for depression since I was 13 years old and more recently had a proper diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I have tried many different medications and all I can say is I went through a lot of them before finding one that worked. Again talk with your/a therapist about it but know that just because one (prozac) didn't work doesn't mean that others will be the same. 

Relationships are hard and complicated and I know that going to college and dealing with a complicated spouse is extremelly hard. I am a double major and my school work has suffered severly this past year because of issues in my marriage. Look into services that are offered by your college, most colleges offer seminars or group meetings on anything from test anxiety to nutrition (all free to students). I suggest this because they are tailored to the college student and they really offer help for a vast array of issues (I was very surprised that when I actually looked into it my college had a support group for almost anything). Hope this helps a bit.


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