# Right connection with the wrong person?



## Nicensafe (Feb 24, 2019)

Since this topic can almost be considered an "Emotional Affair", I'm posting it here. I'm not looking for advice, as much as I am, feedback from others (especially men) that have been in this situation.

After 20 years of being together, the best way to sum up my marriage would be "we make it work". We each have our shortcomings, but we live with them and work through them in order to be there and be supportive of one another. The first few years of our relationship started with a word that sounds like "singer"  so this put us in a unique relationship, early on. We've gravitated away from that, but I can't deny our history.

Recently, my wife has made friends with a woman. They're both heterosexual, the same gender, etc. so I know there's not a sexual attraction there and she has also admitted so, but there's a definite emotional one. She essentially treats this person as her "other" spouse and the areas I fail at providing for her, she gets from this other person.

I know what you're thinking, but no... I actually AM OK with this! I know I can't fill those various voids and I'm happy she's found someone who can. I'm glad they're friends and that it's reached this level of emotional depth and commitment between them.

My problem is, recently, I met and befriended a woman who's my exact "perfect match"; as if you took one person, split them in half and gave each of them their own freewill. We're a few years apart and have lived separate lives, but have the same background, mirror-imaged parents, same upbringing, from the same neighborhood and even had the same teachers in school. It's as if life gave us both the same options and while we both seriously debated which to choose, I chose A, while she chose B, but we ended up in nearly the same place at the same time and finally met.

I can't explain the surrealness of this and I've never had this experience before. While my brain tells me, she's definitely attractive, the connection between us takes place on an entirely different level, where a physical relationship isn't the goal.

Unlike my wife's relationship though, this person is, unfortunately, the opposite sex... and my wife has turned into quite the jealous type. Even if she, was a he, there would still be some jealousy, I'm sure!

After 20 years in a relationship, this is foreign ground for me and I know I have to tread carefully. I love my wife and the life and family we built together, but this connection isn't the same as that, which makes it hard to describe.

I'm wondering if anyone else out there, has gone through this, and how they handled it??


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to cut all contact with this woman, or divorce your wife. You dont get to cake eat.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

The only right way to handle this relationship is to be open and honest with your wife. The problem is not that you have a friendship with a woman. The problem is the lying and dishonesty that comes with what you are trying to pursue. Some marriages are open and the couple is free to have friendships or whatever with other people, but the key is that both spouses are on the same page. If you can both be on the same page about this, great! But if you want stories about how to sneak around and get close to this other woman, I'm not sure you're in the right place.

How would you feel if your wife started a similar thread here? Where she met her perfect match and was wondering what she should do about it? What advice would you give her?


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

It sounds like you both are headed for trouble . if you and your wife love each other and want the marriage to work and continue . i think she should give up her friend and you give up yours . you may think that your wife being emotionally attached to another woman is fine but she can leave you for her . or you could fall for this other woman as well . you say your wife treats her friend like a spouse wich is not good at all . 

I suggest she leaves her friend alone and you leave your new friend alone


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Start relationship with no moral compass.
20 years later wonder why things are screwed up. Why you want another woman. 
You built your marriage on sand. IMO.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

So basically you are a cheater and your wife is not....


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Its time to be honest with yourself...you can lie to us, to your wife but not to yourself...can you maintain a friendship purely platonic? because if there is even an inkling of lust or desire for her, than you have answered your question. I will tell you right now women can have a sense when they see underlying tones of feelings even before their husband know. It has happen to me, with a work colleague, the minute my wife met her, she instantly told me that this woman was into me before i even realized it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

After 20 yrs of marriage a lack of passion can be normal.

You should talk with your W, rekindle the flame.

When meeting a lady from your same home town and high school you'll feel a draw because of shared experiences before marriage. It is not unexpected. 

It will pass. This new woman doesn't have the same life and love experiences you have with your wife.

Don't let a "seven year itch" derail your life.

Or if you choose to, don't be a liar, cheater, and thief to your wife; respect her and tell her quickly and outright. 

Hey, be bold. Make a choice. 

Your wife's friendship has nothing to do with your thinking about fooling around. 

Why would you bring that up except to try and use it as justification for you to have enough rope to hang yourself so to speak.

That's kind of transparent. Been seen before. Not unique. 

Everyone tries to find a way to give the rationalization that it's ok for them to fool around. 

Love your wife, or split. 

Think about your wife's interests. Maybe she has a man from her early life she'd like to see again.

Is that ok?


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You and your wife need to decide exactly what
type of relationship you want. A relationship to
me is two people together. A relationship can not
work with other people involved. I would suggest 
you and your wife get everybody else out of this 
one or divorce. 

This does't end well IMO


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> So basically you are a cheater and your wife is not....


Yes, your spouse having a best friend IS NOT THE SAME THING as you connecting with your "perfect match" of the opposite sex!


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

What this really sounds like is you are not getting the emotional attention that you need from your wife because she is giving that to another woman and she may or maynot be having a physical one with her to . i mean you said yourself she is treating her like a spouse and now you are being without a spouse . and so in your mind and heart you are feeling more as a 3rd wheel so to speak . so then you meet this other woman that is giving you the attention that you are not getting from your wife so you are being drawn to her . now your wife is seeing the attention that you are giving this other woman and not her but at the same time she is not seeing the attention she is giving her friend and not you . so she is getting jealous and is not seeing she is doing the same thing to you . you started feeling left out in the cold even if you think you are ok with her giving her friend all the attention and treatment as a spouse deep down you are not . your mind may think you are ok with it but your heart says otherwise . 

So you need to either have a very long talk with your wife and both of you let your friend go or just move on . sorry to be blunt but that is what needs to happen . she leaves her friend alone and you leave yours alone and just be with one another like a real husband and wife or get a divorce .


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

niceguy47460 said:


> What this really sounds like is you are not getting the emotional attention that you need from your wife because she is giving that to another woman and she may or maynot be having a physical one with her to . i mean you said yourself she is treating her like a spouse and now you are being without a spouse


I think this is all crap. This is him trying to justify his interest in this other woman by exaggerating his wife's relationship with her best friend. He doesnt feel left out, he is making up woe is me so he can keep flirting with his new "friend".


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I agree with 3x

Only a guy who has overdosed on the red pill could find anything about the opie's issue to defend. The man is in an emotional affair and trying to deflect off his wife. It's pathetic


----------



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

OP has fallen in love with a woman other than his wife. Because he's in that heady exciting new love phase, he thinks she's his "soulmate" and is the perfect match for him. His wife has a lady friend and she's close to this person, so he feels it's OK for him to be close to his new person. 

The current trajectory is for him to have an affair with the new woman. Maybe he'll get over it and go back to his wife or maybe he'll leave her (or get thrown out). Eventually, the excitement phase will wear off and he'll be bored with the new woman. Then he'll meet the woman that is his true soulmate far beyond what he ever imagined possible. 

He'll repeat this pattern until he finally realizes that he's repeating a pattern. Then he'll realize that he's just addicted to the emotional high of falling in love. Good luck with that. And don't have kids.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Your wife's connection to the other woman is
probably a very emotional one. She has someone 
to talk to and they listen to her. You should be working 
on those short comings and not thinking about someone 
else. Jealous ? I don;t know of any people who would want 
their spouse hanging around or probably thinking about someone
else. 

You said that you and your wife both have shortcomings but work through
them and are very supportive of each other. Then you said your wife gets 
other areas (voids ) filled by her other spouse ? Are you two their to support 
each other or not ? Try talking and listening to your wife.

As I said in my previous post you and your wife need to decide on your relationship.
Together working things out, really being supportive to each other. Or if you want to 
be free and pursue this other woman then let your wife know. After 20 years she deserves 
to know. Just remember if you decide to go pursue someone else and it doesn't work out
you may not have a relationship to return to.

I really think you and your wife should work
on the present one together however. Fix those
short comings and be supportive.

If you have read other threads on TAM 20 year relationship 
is a good one. Be grateful and don't throw it away.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I agree with 3x
> 
> Only a guy who has overdosed on the red pill could find anything about the opie's issue to defend. The man is in an emotional affair and trying to deflect off his wife. It's pathetic


They don't make red pills that strong.


----------



## aRock (Feb 13, 2019)

Sounds high-risk to me. Even if your new 'soulmate' is just a friend now, there is a serious risk that that might change. And crossing that threshold can take only a handful of seconds if conditions are just right and one of you falters.

Time to re-read "Not Just Friends" and reestablish what constitute healthy boundaries in your marriage. It will be hard - very hard - with your prior history, but if you really are in a different place now, you and your wife can and need to work this out.

If you don't feel like talking to your wife about it, that's the only additional sign you need to stop all contact.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

From your other thread titled Jealousy, you said


Nicensafe said:


> After our history and our decades together, it still puzzles me, how jealousy can ever be a factor here. I never once thought our relationship was in jeopardy, even when we were very open about it all at the start. My brain can't wrap around the idea that jealousy would still be a factor, or how it ever played one in the first place.


That is directly at odds with what you are saying in this thread. Here you are saying you found your perfect match in some other woman. Stuff like that is exactly why she has every right to be jealous. This should be so starkly evident that it's hard for me to see your viewpoint. Essentially you're saying "My wife is being ridiculous by being jealous at me having female friends that are much more my perfect match than she is." In a situation like that, her being jealous makes sense. She's worried you are getting attached to other women. You're not viewing them as a friend in the same way you would with a man. You are creating strong emotional bonds with these other women that are going to pull you away from your wife.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wilson said:


> Here you are saying you found your perfect match in some other woman. You're not viewing them as a friend in the same way you would with a man. You are creating strong emotional bonds with these other women that are going to pull you away from your wife.













Its wrong, and you KNOW its wrong. You just dont want to cut ties with this woman, so you are hoping someone is going to agree with you and justify what you are up to. Your wife deserves better.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's ok to say the word swinger here. I used to be one and reference it quite a bit. 

Here's the thing with this situation though, you are both investing time, money and emotional energy away from your marriage and away from each other. 

I will say that I do not believe that any couple can meet each other's needs for companionship and connection and fun and hobbies and romance/sexuality 100%.

Up to a point it is important to have friends and buddies and such that are not your spouse. 

What you two are doing however is not healthy. Many here will disagree with me but as a former swinger myself I will go so far to say it was probably healthier back in your swinging days when you go out on a Sat night, have a swinging encounter and sex with another couple and then back to regular family life the next Sunday morning than what is happening now. 

Now you are both investing in other relationships and disinvesting in your own marriage. 

When you were swinging, I am going to assume that you had mandatory communication and firm boundaries and tons of open dialog on how each of you were feeling on basically a day by day basis you each worked together to arrive at mutually agreeable boundaries, limits and activities. 

While what is taking place now, may not be taking place in the bedroom (yet) you each still need to reestablish that level of communication, respect and compassion. 

You probably would not have had an issue with speaking up or putting your foot down if you felt she was getting too close sexually with another man and you were feeling left out and threatened back when you were swinging. So why are you giving this a free pass just because they aren't donut-bumping on each other and 69ing on each other? 

And when you were swinging, you would have likely put the brakes on your interactions with another woman you were having sex with if your wife felt uncomfortable or threatened so why are you letting her protests fall on deaf ears now when you are not having sex with this OW. 

I do not see your current situation as a swinging situation at all but since you were the one that brought up swinging, I will say that this situation needs the same level of communication, respect and compliance with boundaries and comfort zones from EACH of you.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a bad idea and it won't end well.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are playing with fire and way over stepping the boundaries. A same sex close friend is fine, an opposite sex close friend is not. 
Do you want to loose everything? Because thats what you are heading for.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, ignoring any moral issues, Here is the problem with attraction to new people as opposed to your spouse:

You don't know all that much about the new person, so your imagination tends to fill in the blanks with what you would *like* them to be, not what they actually are. Also, since your interactions are during casual fun times, you tend not to see them at their worst. You don't see them doing miserable chores etc. 

Its an easy trap to fall into, but if you left and started a life with this person, odds are you would soon discover that they are also far form perfect.


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Did you all miss the part where he said she treat her friend like a spouse


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nicensafe said:


> Since this topic can almost be considered an "Emotional Affair", I'm posting it here. I'm not looking for advice, as much as I am, feedback from others (especially men) that have been in this situation.
> 
> After 20 years of being together, the best way to sum up my marriage would be "we make it work". We each have our shortcomings, but we live with them and work through them in order to be there and be supportive of one another. The first few years of our relationship started with a word that sounds like "singer"  so this put us in a unique relationship, early on. We've gravitated away from that, but I can't deny our history.
> 
> ...


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

niceguy47460 said:


> Did you all miss the part where he said she treat her friend like a spouse


Can't you see that the OP is in justification mode and is making his wife's friendship with a female friend equivalent to his friendship with a female friend? 

It is called denial and self-justification for what he is doing. He knows deep down that what he is doing is wrong but if he can rationalize it and present it to TAM as such then hey presto maybe it is all very reasonable and acceptable behaviour. Come on, it is typical cheater speak and one can see through it like a glass window. Bollox!


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

All i am sating is they both should cut ties no . either cut ties with the other to people or get a divorce


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/copin...t-connection-wrong-person-2.html#post19807425


https://talkaboutmarriage.com/copin...ght-connection-wrong-person.html#post19807375


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I don't get it. I just don't get it. So, it was ok to have sex with other people before, but she's getting her panties in a twist now because you have an opposite sex friend you're close to that she thinks you may have sex with? Bit late to be worrying about monogamy, imo. Talk about shutting the barn door after the horses got out! Yeesh. I mean, this is elementary level logic here. Don't expect lifelong monogamy from someone you know through swinging isn't exactly a monogamist.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nicensafe said:


> Since this topic can almost be considered an "Emotional Affair", I'm posting it here. I'm not looking for advice, as much as I am, feedback from others (especially men) that have been in this situation.
> 
> After 20 years of being together, the best way to sum up my marriage would be "we make it work". We each have our shortcomings, but we live with them and work through them in order to be there and be supportive of one another. The first few years of our relationship started with a word that sounds like "singer"  so this put us in a unique relationship, early on. We've gravitated away from that, but I can't deny our history.
> 
> ...


So your wife gets to have two spouses? *No. She doesn't.*
And you get to have another spouse, too? *No. You don't.*

I suggest couple's counselling. 

And better boundaries for the both of you.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

niceguy47460 said:


> Did you all miss the part where he said she treat her friend like a spouse


Sheesh.

That's HIS claim. Who knows how true it is. Right about now, he's desperately trying to justify his little _friendship_ any way he can, and if he has to insinuate that his wife is being emotionally 'intimate' with her friend instead of him, then that's what he'll say in order to blame his **** behavior on his wife. You think he's the first guy to blame everyone *but* himself for his cheating? Pfffft.

And the sad truth is that the OP would have likely started this affair with this woman even if his wife WAS showing him attention and affection. People are either open to cheating if the right opportunity comes their way, or they're not. The OP obviously IS.

He just needs to own it and stop playing the victim.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sheesh.
> 
> That's HIS claim. Who knows how true it is. Right about now, he's desperately trying to justify his little _friendship_ any way he can, and if he has to insinuate that his wife is being emotionally 'intimate' with her friend instead of him, then that's what he'll say in order to blame his **** behavior on his wife. You think he's the first guy to blame everyone *but* himself for his cheating? Pfffft.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::grin2:


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Nicensafe said:


> Recently, my wife has made friends with a woman. They're both heterosexual, the same gender, etc. so I know there's not a sexual attraction there and she has also admitted so, but there's a definite emotional one. She essentially treats this person as her "other" spouse and the areas I fail at providing for her, she gets from this other person.
> 
> I know what you're thinking, but no... I actually AM OK with this! I know I can't fill those various voids and I'm happy she's found someone who can. I'm glad they're friends and that it's reached this level of emotional depth and commitment between them.


You are ok with the fact that your wife has a platonic, female friend that sex is not an option with and takes much of the emotional burden off of you in the relationship? How magnanimous of you!



Nicensafe said:


> My problem is, recently, I met and befriended a woman who's my exact "perfect match"; as if you took one person, split them in half and gave each of them their own freewill. We're a few years apart and have lived separate lives, but have the same background, mirror-imaged parents, same upbringing, from the same neighborhood and even had the same teachers in school. It's as if life gave us both the same options and while we both seriously debated which to choose, I chose A, while she chose B, but we ended up in nearly the same place at the same time and finally met.
> 
> I can't explain the surrealness of this and I've never had this experience before. While my brain tells me, she's definitely attractive, the connection between us takes place on an entirely different level, where a physical relationship isn't the goal.


If you are trying to make a comparison between your wife's female friend and a woman that you want to sleep with as if you are only interested in this woman's 'emotional support' you're failing miserably.



Nicensafe said:


> Unlike my wife's relationship though, this person is, unfortunately, the opposite sex... and my wife has turned into quite the jealous type. Even if she, was a he, there would still be some jealousy, I'm sure!
> 
> After 20 years in a relationship, this is foreign ground for me and I know I have to tread carefully. I love my wife and the life and family we built together, but this connection isn't the same as that, which makes it hard to describe.
> 
> I'm wondering if anyone else out there, has gone through this, and how they handled it??


Let's cut the bull****, you are married, middle-aged man trying to snag some strange and your wife of twenty years is exactly aware of what you are trying to do. You are trying to make her look like a jealous nutjob standing in the way of 'connection on another level'. This is a textbook cliche.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You need to cut all contact with this woman, or divorce your wife. You dont get to cake eat.



I am of the thinking that men can NOT have close female friends like this. The temptation is too great! Ghandi would not have the fortitude to remain faithful, if you are interacting closely with a woman who is hot, a perfect match for you, and eager to please. EVERY time you have one of those sessions with your wife where you two are just "toughing it out", your mind will be on sex with your new friend.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think we've lost our OP. 

Sometimes when people don't get the green light to do what they want, they move along pretty quickly.


----------



## Tell me more lies (Oct 10, 2018)

Time for the OP to read "Not Just Friends"!

This may lay it out for you to understand what all the posters are trying to tell you


----------

