# Any advice for a stay at home mom that is considering divorce?



## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Any other stay at home moms out there that have left their marriages have any advice? I obviously need to start by finding a job and childcare but I feel so trapped. The house is in my husbands name, the vehicle, everything. I have never been one to completely depend on someone but it all happened over time. I love being able to stay home with my kids (5 and 20 months) but now that I'm considering leaving I don't even know where to begin!

I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 5. I have posted before and over the last month or so we were doing much better until his drinking once again ruined that. This time was so much worse because we were camping and my kids were woken up. He had very obviously had too much to drink while hanging with other friends while I was getting the kids fed and in bed and is super annoying and obnoxious when he is drunk but I can ignore him and go to bed. The problem is when he goes to sleep! He yells and swears and gets up banging around in his sleep (way worse in a trailer with 2 kids). This time he woke both kids and actually stole my daughters bed and I had to move her and eventually I packed the kids up in the middle of the night and left him there. My kids are my world and there is NO WAY I will have them subject to this. It has happened numerous times over the years and always ends up in an argument turned around on me and then he apologizes and swears it will never happen again. I don't think he fully understands how bad it is so this time I video taped him and sent it to him. He actually had the nerve to say that I was provoking him by trying to wake him to get him out of my daughters bed! A few days have passed and he has barely spoken to me other then saying "I said I was sorry, I screwed up". Today I told him that I was unsure of what I was going to do and I told him how I feel trapped and like I can't leave until I find a job. Then I start getting text messages about how sorry he is and he is nothing without me and he's so embarrassed and blah blah blah. He said he couldn't talk to me because he could see in my face how disgusted I was by him so he text me (so childish!). He has finally said he has decided to quit drinking and needs to think about us instead of himself for once. This is the first time he has ever actually admitted to having a problem and I don't know what to do?????? Do I give him one last chance and see if he stops or do I go with my gut and get the hell out while my kids are still young???? My head is all over the place and no matter what I do right now I still need to have some sort of plan to support us if I need to. Sorry this is sooooo long but advice is very much appreciated.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Should say Stay at home Mom...... oops!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Start looking to gain your independence. The most important of that is probably going to be monetarily. Look into getting training to help you. If you have no money there are services that can help you. I know it is scary but it can be done.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You have been with him for 17 years. We're you working before you had your children?

You need to know what your limits are and communicate them to him. So ,if that night was the last straw, then tell him and get a lawyer. 

IF you want to make another try, then you need to establish MEASURABLE, ACTIONABLE goals for his progress with DUE DATES, e.g, 1. He must join AA and demonstrate sobriety for X months. 2. He needs to apologize to the family for his prior behavior, in the form of a letter, read out loud, and the family decides whether his apology is sincere. 3. He needs to plan the next family outing, emphasis on rebuilding the trust that has been lost. 

1. holds him immediately accountable to a "higher power" that will be watching over his shoulder. 
2. makes him really think about what he did, the hurt he caused, and what he stands to lose (or has lost already). 
3. holds him responsible for working to make things right, man up, and plan the trip you SHOULD have had. 

If he can't be willing to do thise things or something similar, then get your lawyer and get your ducks in a row.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm sorry you are going through this sweetheart. 

I'm curious why with having been together for 17 years things aren't joint (house, car etc)?

I'm remarried, so we have this challenge but it's because of the homes and vehicles we owned before we met...but it sounds like you have been together for a very long time for things not to be in your name also. I know the answer won't change the situation, though I wish it could.

If you still love him, I hope he will straighten himself out so he can be a good dad and hubby. Hugs to you and the babes.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MamaLew said:


> Any other stay at home moms out there that have left their marriages have any advice? I obviously need to start by finding a job and childcare but I feel so trapped. The house is in my husbands name, the vehicle, everything. I have never been one to completely depend on someone but it all happened over time. I love being able to stay home with my kids (5 and 20 months) but now that I'm considering leaving I don't even know where to begin!
> 
> I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 5. I have posted before and over the last month or so we were doing much better until his drinking once again ruined that. This time was so much worse because we were camping and my kids were woken up. He had very obviously had too much to drink while hanging with other friends while I was getting the kids fed and in bed and is super annoying and obnoxious when he is drunk but I can ignore him and go to bed. The problem is when he goes to sleep! He yells and swears and gets up banging around in his sleep (way worse in a trailer with 2 kids). This time he woke both kids and actually stole my daughters bed and I had to move her and eventually I packed the kids up in the middle of the night and left him there. My kids are my world and there is NO WAY I will have them subject to this. It has happened numerous times over the years and always ends up in an argument turned around on me and then he apologizes and swears it will never happen again. I don't think he fully understands how bad it is so this time I video taped him and sent it to him. He actually had the nerve to say that I was provoking him by trying to wake him to get him out of my daughters bed! A few days have passed and he has barely spoken to me other then saying "I said I was sorry, I screwed up". Today I told him that I was unsure of what I was going to do and I told him how I feel trapped and like I can't leave until I find a job. Then I start getting text messages about how sorry he is and he is nothing without me and he's so embarrassed and blah blah blah. He said he couldn't talk to me because he could see in my face how disgusted I was by him so he text me (so childish!). He has finally said he has decided to quit drinking and needs to think about us instead of himself for once. This is the first time he has ever actually admitted to having a problem and I don't know what to do?????? Do I give him one last chance and see if he stops or do I go with my gut and get the hell out while my kids are still young???? My head is all over the place and no matter what I do right now I still need to have some sort of plan to support us if I need to. Sorry this is sooooo long but advice is very much appreciated.


Been on a similar ride with my own H until I made plans to leave. You can threaten all you want , he'll do good for a few weeks and then go back to the same cycle.
Go and see a lawyer, you would still be entitled to financial support I am sure, see what your options are first before you rule out leaving without a job.
It sounds like your H has a drinking problem so he may need some intervention with AA or similar organisation. They apologize and keep doing it over. 
Same old same old.

The problem with a drinker is that they will actually be sorry, remorseful but then do it again. It is true the saying, you know an alcoholic is lying - when they open their mouth. He will make all sorts of promises to keep you from going but remember do NOT listen to the words, only watch his actions. Words mean nothing, tell him this. Tell him, if he wants to keep his family, you expect action.
You can start looking for work and in the meantime give him a month to get his **** together, if I suspect he will do it again, then you will be ready to leave.

Do you have any family or friends who could be your support network? You should consider going to Al-Anon, you may well be co-dependent (normal in these relationships). If there is no Al-Anon near you consider joining the UK organisation, Bottled Up (they have many free videos online). It is useful to arm yourself with knowledge, learn about the patterns, learn about your own responses. Learn how to detach.

No more threats, just quietly plan your escape. You have already told him there is a problem, he is choosing not to listen, so execute your plan.

My H got help with AA and has been sober for over 16 months now and still dry. What did it? After one incident, I kicked him out and told him to get help, which he did, then I allowed him back home after a few months. 
sorry as your kids are young and this is not a journey any young mother should be on. If he wont change, move on, I didn't when my kids were young, looking back now, I sometimes wish I had.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't give him another chance. Your kids are being permanently damaged by his drinking.

Maybe sometime in the future he will be sober for a few years and will prove to you he can remain sober. You could consider getting back together with him if that happens.

As to the assets being in his name, do research for divorce in your location. Most places simply split the everything 50/50 in divorce. The exceptions would be if one of you brought in an asset to the marriage and has kept it separate. For example if he had a car before the marriage and kept it in his name, it would still be his. If he owned the house before the marriage and kept it only in his name, he would still own it. But, you might have claim to half the increase in value since the marriage. Not to get too far into the details, just trying to say you likely have a claim to half the net assets in a divorce, including some of the home even if he owned it before you got married.

You should call at least one good local divorce attorney and get a consultation. Most will offer a free 15-30 minute consult where you can get basic questions answered and find out how things generally go in your location for people in your situation. This is how the lawyers attract new clients, so don't feel badly going for the free consult.

You don't have to have lawyers arguing every little thing and costing lots of money. You can do a lot via a mediator and just using the lawyer to double check all the paperwork is done correctly. Since there are kids involved I strongly recommend against doing a divorce without any lawyer at all even though it is possible to divorce without a lawyer.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Being married to a recovering alcoholic, I can give my experience.

It took me a long time to realize the extent of my wife's drinking, she hid it very well and was a functioning alcoholic. The straw that broke the camels back was when she was arrested for a DUI. At that point, I told her something needed to change or we were done. I had to put the ball in her court because unless she was committed to change, nothing would last.

The DUI involved a lot of counseling to begin with, including an intensive outpatient program at the local hospital. She also started to attend some local AA meetings. She was not perfect in the beginning, but she stuck with the program and I supported her. Knock on wood, it has been about 4 years now and she is doing great. Just got hired onto a position that she has wanted for a while, so things are looking good for her.

I would give him one more chance if he can commit. If you can do it, get him an evaluation for his drinking and into counseling. Also look into SMART recovery programs. AA can provide him some like minded support but may not be enough. It can be a rocky start, but with help and support, he can stop drinking. But it is a lifestyle change that he was to want to embrace.

But don't put all your eggs in one basket. I would still be looking to make myself more independent of him. Start looking for a job and bring in some of your own income. Get a consultation with an attorney so that you have an idea of what will be involved in a divorce. Take action to ensure that no matter what the outcome, you have your bases covered.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaLew said:


> Any other stay at home moms out there that have left their marriages have any advice? I obviously need to start by finding a job and childcare but I feel so trapped. The house is in my husbands name, the vehicle, everything. I have never been one to completely depend on someone but it all happened over time. I love being able to stay home with my kids (5 and 20 months) but now that I'm considering leaving I don't even know where to begin!


It does not matter if things are in his name only. You own them 50%. There are two articles about equalization of marital property in Canada

Free information about equalization of property and divorce in Canada

Division of Property | Division of Assets | Equalization Payment

You need to read up as much as possible on divorce law in your province. And you should also talk to some attorneys. Many will give you a free half hour to one hour consultation in hopes that you choose to use them in your divorce.


MamaLew said:


> I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 5. I have posted before and over the last month or so we were doing much better until his drinking once again ruined that. This time was so much worse because we were camping and my kids were woken up. He had very obviously had too much to drink while hanging with other friends while I was getting the kids fed and in bed and is super annoying and obnoxious when he is drunk but I can ignore him and go to bed. The problem is when he goes to sleep! He yells and swears and gets up banging around in his sleep (way worse in a trailer with 2 kids). This time he woke both kids and actually stole my daughters bed and I had to move her and eventually I packed the kids up in the middle of the night and left him there. My kids are my world and there is NO WAY I will have them subject to this. It has happened numerous times over the years and always ends up in an argument turned around on me and then he apologizes and swears it will never happen again. I don't think he fully understands how bad it is so this time I video taped him and sent it to him. He actually had the nerve to say that I was provoking him by trying to wake him to get him out of my daughters bed! A few days have passed and he has barely spoken to me other then saying "I said I was sorry, I screwed up". Today I told him that I was unsure of what I was going to do and I told him how I feel trapped and like I can't leave until I find a job. Then I start getting text messages about how sorry he is and he is nothing without me and he's so embarrassed and blah blah blah. He said he couldn't talk to me because he could see in my face how disgusted I was by him so he text me (so childish!). He has finally said he has decided to quit drinking and needs to think about us instead of himself for once. This is the first time he has ever actually admitted to having a problem and I don't know what to do?????? Do I give him one last chance and see if he stops or do I go with my gut and get the hell out while my kids are still young???? My head is all over the place and no matter what I do right now I still need to have some sort of plan to support us if I need to. Sorry this is sooooo long but advice is very much appreciated.


Make sure that you keep a copy of that video of him some place where he cannot delete it. You might need it during child custody negotiations to show that he might need supervised visitation only.

Do you think you can stay with him long enough to get a job and get settled into it?

If you think you need to end this very soon, talk to a lawyer about how to ensure that you can say in the family home with your children and have him support you until you get a job. And then you should also be able to get both spousal support (alimony) and child support even after you get a job.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

MamaLew said:


> Do I give him one last chance and see if he stops or do I go with my gut and get the hell out while my kids are still young????


You do both. 

Why don't people understand how this works?


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

MamaLew said:


> It has happened numerous times over the years and always ends up in an argument turned around on me and then he apologizes and swears it will never happen again.


Sorry. I'll elaborate. You've given him second chances. And third and fourth chances. One more will do zero.

The only way you can REALLY give him a new chance is to crash his world. Make him think he has lost EVERYTHING. Trust me, he has NO IDEA how bad things are with you. Him seeing you walking defiantly towards a cab. Brothers, cousins and friends standing by for physical security and moral support. With your kids screaming for their daddy. Something like that moves you. It changes you pretty quickly. Like, INSTANTLY quickly. I've seen it happen. I've experienced it (in my own way).

WHEN he quits drinking for a year, you may start dating him again. Sober for 2 years, you consider marrying him again. 

Or just let him go. That's what these smart folks are telling you to do. And if you'll notice, I agree. What I DON'T agree with is the "and don't look back" part that is implied most of the time. 

Your choice. You owe him nothing. We all agree that nothing will change if you don't leave him. But you can save him if it's done right. He's the father of your children. You'll be stuck with him in some capacity for a long time anyhow. Might as well make him a better person if you can. And you CAN. Question is, do you WANT to.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Satya said:


> You have been with him for 17 years. We're you working before you had your children?
> 
> You need to know what your limits are and communicate them to him. So ,if that night was the last straw, then tell him and get a lawyer.
> 
> ...


Yes I have always worked fulltime up until we had children, I worked for a doctor and have already spoken to him to let him know I was looking to return to work.

This is all great advice! I was finding it difficult to come up with somewhere to even start and this is very helpful thank you.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Spicy said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this sweetheart.
> 
> I'm curious why with having been together for 17 years things aren't joint (house, car etc)?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your sweet words. The house and van are in his name because we bought them after I stopped working so with no income showing I wasn't part of the financing, I never thought I would be in this situation so I didn't think twice about it at the time. If we do separate he wouldn't be the type of person to keep the kids home they've always lived in thank goodness but I still should have made it all joint. 

I do still love him yes, we have been together since highschool so it's hard but my kids are my world and I will always do what I think is best for them. I'm still not sure what that is at this point.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

[/QUOTE] Been on a similar ride with my own H until I made plans to leave. You can threaten all you want , he'll do good for a few weeks and then go back to the same cycle.
Go and see a lawyer, you would still be entitled to financial support I am sure, see what your options are first before you rule out leaving without a job.
It sounds like your H has a drinking problem so he may need some intervention with AA or similar organisation. They apologize and keep doing it over. 
Same old same old.

The problem with a drinker is that they will actually be sorry, remorseful but then do it again. It is true the saying, you know an alcoholic is lying - when they open their mouth. He will make all sorts of promises to keep you from going but remember do NOT listen to the words, only watch his actions. Words mean nothing, tell him this. Tell him, if he wants to keep his family, you expect action.
You can start looking for work and in the meantime give him a month to get his **** together, if I suspect he will do it again, then you will be ready to leave.

Do you have any family or friends who could be your support network? You should consider going to Al-Anon, you may well be co-dependent (normal in these relationships). If there is no Al-Anon near you consider joining the UK organisation, Bottled Up (they have many free videos online). It is useful to arm yourself with knowledge, learn about the patterns, learn about your own responses. Learn how to detach.

No more threats, just quietly plan your escape. You have already told him there is a problem, he is choosing not to listen, so execute your plan.

My H got help with AA and has been sober for over 16 months now and still dry. What did it? After one incident, I kicked him out and told him to get help, which he did, then I allowed him back home after a few months. 
sorry as your kids are young and this is not a journey any young mother should be on. If he wont change, move on, I didn't when my kids were young, looking back now, I sometimes wish I had.[/QUOTE]

I think he has a drinking problem for sure but he doesn't and admitted he doesn't really want to quit drinking but wants to keep his family more and realizes it's a problem for us. I will definitely look into Al-Anon! My parents are a fantastic support system and will always be there to help if I need it for sure. 

I'm going to look for work and childcare and spend the summer at our trailer with just myself and the kids so that way it seems like a vacation to them and I get a break to figure stuff out. And it will give him a chance to prove himself and I can decide what to do next I think. If he doesn't change I will definitely move on. Thanks for your advice and kind words!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MamaLew said:


> Yes I have always worked fulltime up until we had children, I worked for a doctor and have already spoken to him to let him know I was looking to return to work.
> 
> This is all great advice! I was finding it difficult to come up with somewhere to even start and this is very helpful thank you.


I'm not trying to sound sexist, but most men need very clear, direct instructions on what you need or expect of them. They do not understand "hintese", the all too common tongue of Woman. 

Not saying you'd do this intentionally, but when you're hurt you might start thinking if you act hurt or distant he'll just get it or start asking what's wrong. It doesn't work that way... In fact, it'll back fire on you and you'll think he's an insensitive arse. 

You must present your needs on a platter, like "I (or better "we" as in The Family) need X from you by X date." Then see what his reaction is. If he is agreeable and knows he needs to get his stuff together, he will agree and get to work on meeting those needs. If he's given up or doesn't care anymore, he won't do a thing, or will stall, or will complain and get defensive. That is really basic behavior of all humans when being held accountable, but IME men in general, when in a balanced state of mind, will own things they want to fix and will deliver.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Nothing establishes boundaries like filing for divorce and gaining you independence from them. Nothing. It sounds like you have not been firm in establishing your boundaries in the past. Establishing boundaries makes you stronger. Men need clear signals. We are built that way. Direct actions, followed by direct statements of why will snap us back into reality. 

If you love him and think it could work with him changing, scare the s*** out of him. But be prepared to make some of your own changes if you do. Two Way Street. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Satya said:


> I'm not trying to sound sexist, but most men need very clear, direct instructions on what you need or expect of them. *They do not understand "hintese", the all too common tongue of Woman. *
> 
> *Not saying you'd do this intentionally, but when you're hurt you might start thinking if you act hurt or distant he'll just get it or start asking what's wrong. It doesn't work that way... In fact, it'll back fire on you and you'll think he's an insensitive arse. *
> 
> ...


All correct LOL I am a guy and do not understand hintese and if not told about a problem then there is no problem.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My ex was an alcoholic...saw the problem right from the start and I made excuses for him. Trust me, until they see their issue this will NEVER change and chances are he is in complete denial of his own issues. You have a couple choices....you can ask him to seek counseling, you can start attending ALANON, you can stay and hope it gets better, or you can take the steps to become independent and leave. I didn't leave until all my kids were raised but I don't suggest that to anyone. Now I am an older lady in a singles' world. I am not so sure my kids benefited by me staying.....I know I sure didn't. Take the steps you needs to for yourself and your kids. Get some counseling for yourself so you can deal with your situation. The alcohol will ALWAYS win....you cannot compete.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Satya said:


> I'm not trying to sound sexist, but most men need very clear, direct instructions on what you need or expect of them. They do not understand "hintese", the all too common tongue of Woman.
> 
> Not saying you'd do this intentionally, but when you're hurt you might start thinking if you act hurt or distant he'll just get it or start asking what's wrong. It doesn't work that way... In fact, it'll back fire on you and you'll think he's an insensitive arse.
> 
> You must present your needs on a platter, like "I (or better "we" as in The Family) need X from you by X date." Then see what his reaction is. If he is agreeable and knows he needs to get his stuff together, he will agree and get to work on meeting those needs. If he's given up or doesn't care anymore, he won't do a thing, or will stall, or will complain and get defensive. That is really basic behavior of all humans when being held accountable, but IME men in general, when in a balanced state of mind, will own things they want to fix and will deliver.


I'm sure I speak that same tongue sometimes lol but definitely not this time! He has agreed and started to work on meeting our expectations just like you said, so thanks for the advice! Hopefully we can continue moving forward this way. He decided on his own to quit drinking so that made the conversation easier and I have told him there will be absolutely no other chances because the kids are my priority.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MamaLew said:


> I'm sure I speak that same tongue sometimes lol but definitely not this time! He has agreed and started to work on meeting our expectations just like you said, so thanks for the advice! Hopefully we can continue moving forward this way. He decided on his own to quit drinking so that made the conversation easier and I have told him there will be absolutely no other chances because the kids are my priority.


If you are going to give your marriage one more try, I think you and your husband would benefit greatly from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". These books would help a lot in helping you clearly state your needs.. and help him too.


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