# Need Help!



## WorkHardOnMyself (Feb 16, 2010)

My wife of six years told me that I have no clue about marriage, relationships, or how to handle situations in the marriage since I havent been in any relationships before this marriage. What could I do as a man to control the flow of the marriage, and have my wife fall in love with me once again?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, since she's now recognized that you have no experience, she needs to accept that you are a 'beginner' and maybe moderate her expectations and go slowly so that you can build your experiential knowledge. She can help by prioritizing her needs and by communicating them to you clearly, and focus on one major need and a few minor needs at a time. If she can't do this, then perhaps she doesn't have a lot of experience with relationships either :-o

One major thing you can do to improve any relationship is to spend time together where you are both working on a specific INDIVIDUAL trait. This might be going to a yoga class together, or to a spiritual studies class together, worshipping together, or something very simple like taking an archery class or cooking a meal together each day, doing household chores together (vs. dividing them up) or my favorite taking a ballroom/Latin dance class together. The key is to be spending time together when you are both absolutely present in the moment, not shooting towards some idealistic goal in the future but actually being present in the here and now.

To be honest, because it seems like your wife has very high expectations of you and is focused on her dissatisfaction with where you are at, she is going to have the most difficult time with this. She married you where you are at, and that is concerning because it seems she cut you lots of slack when dating and now expects the act of marriage, rather than the process of marriage, to have changed you, like a switch, Holy Moly that so doesn't happen! I think your wife also needs to learn about relationships, but one thing I can tell you about relationships is that if you tell her so, your relationship will be even worse. 

Just agree with her that you have no experience, and that marriage is a process and thank her for the opportunity, assure her that you love her, and ask her for her priorities and to sit down and talk about how the both of you might proceed together in the relationship. I would not give 100% of your time to pleasing her, or to even need to please her 100%, I think it would be unhealthy to do so, as this would be co-dependent. One thing about being a couple is that you need to respect other people's inner space and individuality...this takes a sturdy ego, actually it takes letting go of one's ego in a marriage, even letting go of the 'marriage' and honoring the space physically and spiritually that is shared, as a choice, each and every time it is acknowledged or experienced. 

If she needs you that much something is off balance. What would she do to meet her own emotional and physical needs if you became seriously laid up? It sounds like she is a little too dependent on you playing some kind of role. I don't think this is what marriage is meant to be, it concerns me that she chose to marry you and now is dissatisfied with how you make her feel. A marriage is to honor an existing relationship, not to create one. She has made some kind of error in getting married and thinking that you will act different from the moment you were single to the moment you were married. That is sad, very sad.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Um.. . you've been married six years. How is that not experience? Why doesn't she show/tell you exactly what she wants instead of just saying "You have no clue and you need to improve"?


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