# Wife cheated. I don't know what to do.



## Zak082 (Jun 21, 2015)

I will try to keep this short. My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We married young (19 and 17) due to her being pregnant. We had already planned on getting married anyways. 
After our second child I got my wife a job at best buy where i worked. I left there to go to another job and she stayed. When I left she started coming home later back in February. She said she had to stay late now because of more responsibility at work. Come to find out in May I discovered one day while dropping by work late that she actually had been meeting up with a guy we both knew from work.
Every night before going home she would drive to a theater parking lot near by and meet with him. I discovered 3 months worth of sexting between them two on her phone. It hit me like a truck because she showed ZERO signs that she was unhappy in the marriage. When I busted her she told me that they would meet up at the theater to make out and talk about work. She said they always made out but the sexting I read made it seem like they did more. She said they did oral on each other twice and had sex one time behind their work in his car. 
This DOES NOT sound like the woman I married. She hated people and had no friends. She was sheltered as a kid and is SUPER shy with people. In fact I'm her first boyfriend, kiss, sex, husband, everything. She has only ever had me in her life. We are both super big in church and both christians. We don't even have friends of the opposite sex. She has been an amazing mother and like I said she NEVER showed any signs of her being unhappy. It didn't make sense how she could do this.
When I asked her why she did it her original answer was that he started telling her how beautiful she was and she liked it. So then he asked her to meet up with him one night so she did (which is not like her AT ALL, she wont even go to the gas station by herself during the day) and she said after 4 meet ups HE kissed her and then thats when it snowballed out of control. 
I just don't understand. The sexting and the pictures she sent him without him EVER sending her one just shocks me. She said things in those texts that she NEVER has said to me.
Now its been 3 months and we have been seperated. I filed for divorce but a part of me wants to believe we can work. Yet I know I just can't get over this whole cheating situation. I have been cheated on by past girlfriends and I have no tolerance for it. She has been very sorry and has been THE PERFECT wife for the past 3 months. She has done a complete 180. I don't know which to believe. The wife who is perfect like she is right now or the one that cheated on me for 3 months and come home to me and our kids and acted like everything was fine.
Please help me see clearer to see if this is something I need to get away from or if by some chance I should stay with her. I go soon to sign the divorce papers and I don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone and that down the road I might regret my decision.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry you are here. Has your WW quit her job and gone NC with the OM? You have exposed the affair far and wide? Or has it been carpet swept for you to suffer the consequences alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zak082 (Jun 21, 2015)

I asked her to quit and she said no because we needed the money. Just last week she finally got a better job so she is leaving it now. Also I told everyone in the family about it, which probably wasn't the best idea. All of my friends and family know and her family knows.


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## zee88 (Aug 12, 2015)

I too got married young and we are now separated. I feel like 18-25 is an age gap where people are coming into their own and growing as a person. In my case, my ex and i appeared to change into two very different people and grew very much apart. It is hard to come to terms with sometimes, but people do change.

I understand you are scared and hurt right now. She is the mother of your children and i am sure you feel very betrayed. It is very hard to get over someone cheating, especially in a marriage. It is one of those things that you will always think about and will be in the back of your mind, and that is what i am getting from what you have said.

If you think you can get completely forgive her and give it another go then you have to let go and trust again, which will be very hard to do. Do you think you can forgive her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Zak082 said:


> *I asked her to quit and she said no* because we needed the money. Just last week she finally got a better job so she is leaving it now. Also I told everyone in the family about it, which probably wasn't the best idea. All of my friends and family know and her family knows.


Well there you go.

ETA: You really don't need two (much less three) different threads. I'd suggest deleting this one and using the thread over in the CWI forum.


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## Zak082 (Jun 21, 2015)

I don't feel like right now that I could fully forgive her. I feel like it would always hurt and pop up in my mind and I would never let it go. I already almost always bring it back up when we talk and thats not fair to her. I just can't help it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Zak082 said:


> I already almost always bring it back up when we talk and thats not fair to her. I just can't help it.


Not "fair" to her??? What the heck was "fair" about her giving another guy a b.j. and playing slap-and-tickle for three months??? 

To begin with, both of you were waaaayyyyyy too young to get married. Lack of maturity is just what it is. You've only lived so long and you only have so much experience with life. Trust me, the longer you live, the more you will be able to decide what you will and will not tolerate. It's called boundaries.

You guys are in desperate need of marriage counseling. If she won't or can't go, then you need to go. Hopefully, counseling will enable to you clarify what to do about this situation and decide if you can accept her behavior. You'll also gain the tools needed to forgive her. That doesn't mean you'll ultimately decide to stay married, but you'll be able to detach.

For me? Cheating is a deal-breaker. No exceptions. What you do is entirely your decision. BUT GET INTO COUNSELING NOW.


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## zee88 (Aug 12, 2015)

In this case then i think it may be for the best you sign the papers. I know it is hard, but if you can never forgive her it will always be there making you feel bad and that isn't healthy. You will constantly resent it and her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to have you here Zack.

As others (and you) have said, you got married pretty young. You were her first everything and I don't think either of you were ready to make the vows you did. 

The [email protected] POSOM pursued her at work once you were out of the picture and she succumbed. Of course, part of her would have been curious to see what it would feel like, part of her ego was fully pumped by this, and mostly she was super excited and lust was driving her on, especially since he had only been with you and already had 2 children.

You say she is being the perfect wife now. However, does she fully understand the impact of what she did or is she just feeling sorry about being caught ? I do not know if she is mature enough yet to fully understand just how bad what she did was.

Did you remind her that you caught her. If you hadn't she would still be doing it. What did she say about that ? Has she given you a truthful answer? She has to not just blame him but admit to the fact that she enjoyed it but now has realised that what she did was all her fault (not yours) and that she cannot simply blame it on "_he pursued her and she went to see him and it snowballed from there_" - that is not an acceptable answer and you need something more honest from her.

As others have told you, it will be hard to forgive and nigh on impossible to forget. If you cannot forgive, there is no sense in going on, kids or not, with this marriage and you need to set the both of you free.

Have you discussed divorce with her? For her, this will be the start of a life which is going to be labelled with the cheating mother of two and she has to work hard to improve on that image of her (whether she stays with you or not). She needs to understand this. But maybe, she needs to split and has some growing up to do.

If you do decide to forgive, it still does not mean that the two of you have to stay together. That decision, to reconcile, is a tough one and the road is very rocky. If you really, really love her AND she really, really understands how bad what she did was, AND demonstrates this in actions along with how she is going to avoid this ever happening again (whatever it takes including admitting to the truth behind why she did it), THEN you need to fully understand what reconciling means and what is involved.

Otherwise, proceed with the divorce and good luck to you both.

By the way, did you destroy the POSOM at his work ? Get him fired at the very least. Was he of similar age to you both ? Does he have a wife or gf ? Expose to them too.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Zak082 said:


> I asked her to quit and she said no because we needed the money. Just last week she finally got a better job so she is leaving it now.* Also I told everyone in the family about it,* which probably wasn't the best idea. *All of my friends and family know and her family knows.*


Exposure can be a good thing especially if you want to stay in the marriage.
It gains you some support.
It can kill the affair.
It can help keep the affair dead.
It can help to keep from rug sweeping.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Zak082 said:


> I don't feel like right now that I could fully forgive her. I feel like it would always hurt and pop up in my mind and I would never let it go. *I already almost always bring it back up when we talk and thats not fair to her.* I just can't help it.


What ever you do, DO NOT rug sweep.

you have to be able to talk about it in a healthy way.

if you never bring it up - that is rug sweeping.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> *Not "fair" to her??? What the heck was "fair" about her giving another guy a b.j. and playing slap-and-tickle for three months??? *
> 
> To begin with, both of you were waaaayyyyyy too young to get married. Lack of maturity is just what it is. You've only lived so long and you only have so much experience with life. Trust me, the longer you live, the more you will be able to decide what you will and will not tolerate. It's called boundaries.
> 
> ...


I agree.


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## planecrazy (Aug 11, 2015)

My situation was sort of similar to yours. Ill keep it brief. She met him at work, i think he turmed on the charm as he was known for that. Me and her were having issues about having kids. I would have never guessed this would have happened but i knew it as soon as it did. She says they never had sex and i pretty much believe it after we had a long discussion and talked to her friends. He quit shortly after that and moved. I told me family and they backed me 100%. My intial reaction was to get a D but i gave it a short time and she, like your wife did a 180. I would definitley give it a try. Also I was the only one who ever had sex wife my wife and she isnt a prty type of person. Your stiry is almost exactly like mine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Beyond whether you can forgive her I think that given her age and inexperience there's a good chance she'll do it again. 

And frankly as you get older you too may start to wonder what you missed out on. 

I'm 41 and while I certainly had some experience when I met hb (I do have two kids) I don't have as much as him. I do sometimes think about what it would be like to have more like him. ....frankly the only reason I even know about it is because he ran his mouth with all kinds of details I wasn't interested in knowing. One of the reasons it's good to keep your mouth shut until asked.

You can give it a shot if both of you want it but it's very risky. When you say you keep bringing it up what do you mean? Are you being nasty or is there something you need from her to heal that you're not getting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
That is your choice and many people would feel the same way. If you can't forgive, then divorce. Don't stay married to someone you can't trust. 





Zak082 said:


> I don't feel like right now that I could fully forgive her. I feel like it would always hurt and pop up in my mind and I would never let it go. I already almost always bring it back up when we talk and thats not fair to her. I just can't help it.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You and your wife are in your early 20s. The likelihood of your wife cheating again is ahead of you. You best divorce and live together if you want. Don't let her get pregnant again. You have two children that you can't afford.

Work on your mental framework and see a counselor or psychologist to get your mind straight. Don't rugsweep your wife's affair. See a marriage counselor if you wish to remain in this relationship. Exposing her affair to everyone was the right thing to do. Your choice to stay or go...


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