# Two great women in my life - Did I marry the wrong one?



## WantsToDoWhatsRight (Oct 30, 2012)

Many thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice on my situation..

A few months ago I got married to a woman who's been in my life for many years. We'll call her "Jane". We had dated on and off, had a couple of false starts going down the marriage road, and finally took the plunge earlier this year. Jane's a great gal; there's no one else in the world I'm as comfortable around, and she's very confident and secure in herself. She's also very mothering, sometimes a bit too much, as in she'll call to make sure I'm in a safe hotel when working on the road, makes sure I'm eating right, sleeping enough, etc. I lost my mother when I was young and in some ways I think she appeals to me psychologically as a surrogate mother.

When I say we're perfectly comfortable around each other, I mean we can do things like sit in the same room together or in a car on a road trip for hours and not say anything to each other - and not in the slightest worry that "something's wrong". But it's a double-edged sword because many times we *do* hang around each other and say nothing, and I feel it's because we're fundamentally interested in different things. In terms of how we like to spend our time, where we'd want to go on vacation, the things we're passionate talking about.. we're simply on different pages. I feel like Jane and I love each other unconditionally, but we have nothing to really say to each other.

Now for the other lady. We'll call her "Liz". She's someone I've known for a while also, but not for as long as my wife. I first met Liz at work several years ago. We were going down the dating road, but had to put it on ice once I got back together with my now-wife. We stayed friends, but didn't see each other much. Now I've run into her again, and we're spending time together on the side and doing a lot of talking. Liz is the complete opposite to my wife Jane. She's fundamentally insecure with self-esteem issues. She says she feels happier and more confident in herself when she's with me, that I bring out the best in her. And I do believe that's true. We love talking to each other. Liz loves to listen to the things I'm passionate about and vice versa. I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary) And this may sound weird, but the fact she often says that "she needs me" doesn't make me want to run away from her clinginess, but actually brings out some protective instinct in me, and I feel closer to her. In some ways, I feel like if we were married, *I* would be the surrogate parent to *her*.

And the final consideration is physical. My wife Jane is very classically attractive (tall thin blonde) but because we don't share much of a mental connection, my interest in the bedroom has long been waning. It's been many years since we had good sex (only happened when we were first dating). I doubt this will change anytime soon. On the other hand, I'm very physically attracted to Liz, mostly because we do share such a connection, and this has consistently been the case ever since we dated briefly many years ago. Liz isn't nearly as conventionally attractive, but I physically desire her much more.

So that's where I am. I feel like Jane is my unconditional best friend and security blanket. But Liz is the person I most want to do "husband and wife" things with. A divorce would be devastating to Jane. But I want to do what's right. Any ideas?


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## learningman (Oct 26, 2012)

You're in a full blown emotional affair. Cut it out now and work on your marriage with your wife. If after trying it dosn't work out, then think about other women but not while you're married.


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## Jack29 (Oct 20, 2012)

> A few months ago I got married to a woman who's been in my life for many years. We'll call her "Jane".


How about we call them "exhibit A" and "exhibit B" 

Anyway looks to me like yours a case of "the grass is greener on the other side". In my opinion stick to your wife and don't do anything stupid that youd probably regret big time!

And don't get fooled by that "you feel shes your intelectual soul mate" women are good at playing the soulmate game as good as we are, she might just be acting like shes into the same things as you are. I met a girl a couple of months back and we hit it big first time we met and when i told her i like running i go almost everyday she was like "really, me too". Three days after that i move to her place for two months and guess what? I never saw her run!

Stick to your wife! Thats my opinion anyway!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What's right is to end this emotional affair with Liz and concentrate on the great wife you already have! IF she will keep you once you reveal the EA to her! If Liz had been the right one, you would have know it before, so its time to end all contact.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are a married man carrying on an emotional affair with another woman, and you want to take it to a physical affair. In case you have any doubt, this is NOT the right thing to do. No matter what you are telling yourself, you are cheating on your wife. If you really "WantsToDoWhatsRight" you will cut off all contact with the OW NOW, confess to your wife, do everything you can to repair the damage, and hope she keeps you around.

You also need to read this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

and/or this one

http://www.amazon.ca/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800717880


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

learningman said:


> You're in a full blown emotional affair. Cut it out now and work on your marriage with your wife. If after trying it dosn't work out, then think about other women but not while you're married.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I also vote for Jane.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

You'll get bored of the second one just like you're bored of the first one eventually.


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## KnightTime (Oct 30, 2012)

WantsToDoWhatsRight
is hopefully 
ConsideringTheFactThatHesAboutToREALLYscrewUp !!!

Ok, so these women are different…EXCEPT for the fact that you are MARRIED to "Jane" !!! 
WTF, guy? "Buyer's Remorse"??

Go back and re-read the posts above mine…and then read 'em again! 

I've got news for you, pal: you're going to find out, sooner or later, that NOBODY is perfect. Sounds as if you're wanting to "take a little of this gal's personality, and then take a little of that one's.."

I've also got more news for you: love is not (ultimately) an emotion, it's a commitment !! There's gonna come a time (and it sounds as if it came waaay too soon with you) when you wake up and not feel the "emotion of love" anymore…..that's where the "commitment" kicks in!

Quit thinkin' you're "all that" to soo many different women, and man up to the vows you've ALREADY made!

I could've stomached your question IF you had not already married "Jane"….



WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> Many thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice on my situation..


Many thanks in advance to you, sir, for really taking my message to heart. You're REALLY going to screw up if you continue down this road.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

One thing's for sure. You don't love your now-wife, Jane.
Whether there is Liz or not, you just don't love your wife. 
The way you talk about her speaks volumes how you don't connect with her sexually/mentally, regardless of Liz's existence in your life.

Liz just happens to be around you ... and she might be your soulmate, or she might not.

I think the lack of interest that you're starting to have about your wife is a big problem per se. 

I think you married the wrong one, but this doesn't mean Liz is the right one. 

Don't be fooled!


But I agree with you in one point: When couples have nothing to talk about and don't share the same interests, then their relationship/marriage is already over. There needs be connection outside the bedroom, and this connection is missing in your marriage.

Liz is another matter.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary)


...and I told my husband when we were dating that I LOVED watching 4 hrs. of NASCAR races every Sunday :rofl:


I think it's creepy that "Liz" says she needs a married man or any man for that matter. How old is she? Does she have a job?
What exactly does she "need" from you?

I never said "I need you" to any of my husbands (2) or boyfriends.

Anyway, your wife sounds like a lovely person & there's alot to be said for "comfortable"....think...drama.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> Many thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice on my situation..
> 
> Liz loves to listen to the things I'm passionate about and vice versa. I feel like she's my intellectual soulmate. (Eg., when I told her I have odd interests like visiting Civil war battlefields, she said she would love to be able to go with me to one, and we spent a whole fun dinner planning out a mock itinerary)


Hahaha... Seriously dude? Come on... Can't you see what that is? She doesn't give a damn about Civil war battlefields. That's just what women do when they are on the prowl. They pretend interest in our personal hobbies crap even when they hate it. Specially when it includes trips to far away places with a married man.


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## WantsToDoWhatsRight (Oct 30, 2012)

Thanks for all the responses guys. The feedback seems pretty consistent that I'm being a fool to carry on this emotional affair (just learned that phrase!).

One thing though, I'm quite certain Liz and I having common interests is a real thing and not illusory (I've known her almost 5 years) so if anyone has any further advice, please take that point at face value.

Thanks again.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

You know, you are thinking she is great and your soul mate, because you two aren't living together yet. 

When you are seeing someone for 40 hours a week or less, you aren't meeting them. You are meeting who THEY want you to meet. The best version of them. 

When you live with someone, and see them everyday, you are seeing them. You see them for all the beautiful things they do, and all the things they do that drive you crazy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> One thing though, I'm quite certain Liz and I having common interests is a real thing and not illusory (I've known her almost 5 years) so if anyone has any further advice, please take that point at face value.
> 
> Thanks again.


Of course you are.

Hubby and I are reading His Needs Her Needs right now, and last night we read about you in there. Dude felt EXACTLY the same way. Exactly how EVERY guy (and woman) feels when they're in the throes of an EA, especially one about to become a PA.

If you really DO want to do the right thing, do some reading about affair fog, because you are DEEP DEEP into it. The book mentioned above is a good one if you want a whole book. Or just google it. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is another really good book - there's a website for that one too.


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## WantsToDoWhatsRight (Oct 30, 2012)

Hope1964 - I just ordered the Shirley Glass book, thanks.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

It's true. As soon as women have a guy hooked, we stop showing interest in a lot of the things he likes. A lot of women are like that, trying to feign interest to get their crushes interest. Very common. The fact that liz has never been to a civil war ground on her own already says that she's really not all that interested to begin with. If she were, she would've gone to one before, don't you think? :/ Just throwing that out there.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

After only a few months of marriage, you're already tangled with another woman. I feel bad for your wife because she sounds wonderful. 

If you don't love her, let her go. It might devastate her but at least she won't waste time on somebody who wants to be with another woman.

She deserves to be with a man who's head over heels in love her. A man who's hopefully as wonderful as she is. From what you describe, I doubt she will have trouble finding such a man.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jane should divorce you and find a better guy. 

Why is Liz even a option when you are married ? Would you want Jane comparing you to other guys on a regular basis ? 

Jane married the wrong one, not you. She sounds like an awesome woman.

Does Jane know how much time you spend with Liz ?

You are just being greedy and selfish because you think you have the options.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

There's a bit of jargon in the replies so far, so let me make one thing from those replies very clear, and forgive me if this is too forthright.

Your interest in Liz clouds your judgement about Jane. It causes you to see her in a bad light.

This is why it is SO important to cut off ALL CONTACT with Liz. Because that is your only way to find out how you really feel about Jane.

If you don't do that, you risk realising years from now, that Jane was THE ONE, but she's already gone and you let it happen because you had your head up your backside.

But you need the friendship with Liz? Tough luck buddy, this is what the 'forsaking all others" bit in your vows meant!

But it's not all negative. Shut off Liz, and then let's help you find ways to make things better with Jane.

Do this...because it's right, and it's also the best thing for you.

Good luck.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with most of the others.

Just wanted to ask, what sort of a woman is Liz? After all she is carrying on with a married man, she really isn't such a good woman, if she was she would not be pursuing you.

I don't know, maybe it is me but I value people with good morals above anything else.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Dude! 
You have a wife and a girlfriend!
Your a cheater!
Ewww!

How about you tell your wife what you wrote in your original post... or better still show her your post.
Do you think your wife would like it? No...but then... you already know that don't you.

Tell your wife...about your other wife and work from there... goodluck.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

buttercup21 said:


> All the responses you ve got are plain judgmental, all showing how moral they are but I would offer you a practical advice.
> 
> Its up to you to decide. Choose what you feel is better for you.


Ok, the above statement makes me steam. The reason we are in such a messed up world is because of people running around chosing what they feel is best for THEM at that particular time.

That is why some people run from relationship to relationship, always seeking the high that they feel they have lost. Always looking for 'happiness'.

I am not going to start a debate over this issue so I won't wade in again about this.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

buttercup21 said:


> All the responses you ve got are plain judgmental, all showing how moral they are but I would offer you a practical advice.
> 
> I have seen my parents marriage turn from good to worst. My mum regarded my dad as her best friend and a source of stability but she was in love with another man. She asked for opinions but everybody counseled her to stick to my dad, which she eventually did. That became her worst nightmare. She wasn't happy at all.
> She became aloof and indifferent. Dad was annoyed, my brother and I neglected, but this went on for a years until one day she said she wants to get out of her misery.
> ...


People choose to let themselves love someone else. It usually happens slowly and at each step they make a choice.

Most affairs statistically do not work out and those relationships break down. 

I could also quote many relationships that started as affairs and have since unhappily ended. 

When you are married you make a commitment and every time someone flirts with you or you are very attracted to someone you make a choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

buttercup21 said:


> No woman who leaves her husband or a man leaves his wife for other is a bad person. They are bound by love. People will say morally judgmental things but when it will come to them, they themselves will be the first to take such action.


Wanna bet? The people telling the OP to either divorce or actually put effort into his marriage, instead of seeking attention elsewhere HAVE BEEN THERE. I am one of those who have been there. Emotional affairs on both sides. And it is wrong, no ifs ands or buts about it. If you want to be with someone else, divorce. Don't cheat. Period.



buttercup21 said:


> Dare anyone who calls my mom a bad woman because she loved another man.


Well, if she acted on those feelings while still married to another man, then yes, her behavior was wrong. No way around that. She should have waited instead of having an affair. Affairs are WRONG, no matter how you want to try to dress them up.



buttercup21 said:


> A person who sexually cheats on his/her spouse and still stays in the marriage, bluffing the world or his spouse, is a bad person.


Not just sexual cheaters. Emotional cheaters as well. Again, if you want someone else, at least show your spouse some respect and don't get involved AT ALL until you at least are legally separated and divorce is started. Even then, I think it is iffy because there are times when the wayward spouse realizes the grass isn't so green after all and wants to move back into the old pasture. I don't think all cheaters are bad people...they (we) make bad choices. And, choosing to have an affair while still married and giving the outward appearance of a "good" marriage, for any amount of time in the marriage, is WRONG, a BAD choice.



buttercup21 said:


> Its up to you to decide. Choose what you feel is better for you.


This is the only thing in your post which I even remotely agree with. He needs to decide what he wants: the woman he vowed to love and cherish for the rest of his life...or the woman who sees nothing wrong with getting involved with a MARRIED man. A woman who is secure in herself, who will likely be destroyed by the husband who she took those vows with, just a few months ago...... or the woman who is so insecure that she can't find a man of her own, instead of making a play for a MARRIED man.

To the OP:
Dude, "Liz" likely doesn't share all the same interests you do. She is most likely SAYING she does, to get/keep your interest...to get your mind OFF of your wife and onto HER. Stop the affair. Stop cheating on your wife. Either work on your marriage or divorce her. But don't hurt her by having an affair with some woman who doesn't care about your marital status! Your wife deserves better than that. You, yourself, described her as a classy lady...treat her like one! She deserves better than this. Really, I see only ONE great woman in your life... the one you married.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

buttercup21 said:


> Who are YOU to judge my mom?
> Just because shes married to a man doesn't mean he is the RIGHT ONE for her.
> Plenty of people are married to the wrong people. Just because you get married to one person doesn't make them your soul mate.
> If this was such, there wouldn't be divorces
> ...


Well, I'm not judging your mum, or the OP, but you judged me.

The core of my post was rooted in the scientific fact of the dopamine affair fog, that clouds OP's judgement. The advice was to cut off contact with Liz not as a judgement, but to get his head clear of the fog so he can think rationally.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

New is always interesting especially when you aren't allowed to have New.

Of course Liz is fascinating right now.She's out of reach because you're married.Jane is great but Liz is making you forget that fact.

I think you should cut Liz out of your life and try to put the life back into your marriage to Jane. Any time Liz pops into your head,replace thoughts of her with images of how heartbroken and destroyed Jane would be if she knew about Liz.

Tell Liz to go fake interests with another man bc you are NOT interested.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

buttercup21 said:


> Who are YOU to judge my mom?
> Just because shes married to a man doesn't mean he is the RIGHT ONE for her.
> Plenty of people are married to the wrong people. Just because you get married to one person doesn't make them your soul mate.
> If this was such, there wouldn't be divorces
> ...


Again, if he wants to be with Liz, then he needs to do the right thing and divorce is wife, FIRST. If he actually wants to stay married to his wife, then he needs to stop his "friendship". 

As far as judging your mom, like I said... if she had an AFFAIR, it was wrong, period. Not saying SHE is a bad person, but the CHOICE to have AN AFFAIR was wrong. If she got involved with the man while married, THAT was wrong.

I can name a bunch of examples of when the WS and the AP marry and stay married for the rest of their lives, likely happy. But I can also name many more examples of them splitting shortly after the marriages fell apart. My aunt (mom's sister) had an affair. She divorced her husband and married her AP. I love her, I love both of my uncles (because her first husband will ALWAYS be my uncle...he was her husband for 18 years, the first 15 years of my life)...and her second husband, I love him as well. But it doesn't mean I agree with the fact that she cheated on her first husband. My mom's first husband married his AP. They were married til the day he died. 

Two women I know from here cheated on their husbands. Neither is still with the APs...the men they believed were their "soul mates". One is now divorced and the other is divorcing. The one who is divorced is single and miserable now. Too late. Her ex-husband WAITED until they were divorcing before he even began looking. He has a great girlfriend now. 

The other woman I know is not with her AP either...the man she thought was perfect for her, etc. But, she and her husband are divorcing and she has met a great guy. Since her husband moved out, he has impregnated an ex-girlfriend while dating two women in addition to that woman.... When he got that woman pregnant, he broke up with her. Nice guy, huh?

The first woman, I no longer speak to. The second, I do. I have not ostracized my aunt. I don't agree with their choices, and they know this. Doesn't change how I feel about these women. 

My uncle (mom's brother) had an affair with his sister-in-law. He was ready to leave his wife for her.... but the woman ended the relationship. His wife, upon learning of the affair, left him. They live separately, but are still married.

So, buttercup21, to answer the question you asked... no, I do not think your mother is a bad person. I think she made a bad choice, if she got involved with someone else (her current husband, I presume?) while still married to her first. Having feelings for the man while married is one thing. Acting on them is another. And that doesn't mean just going physical. That means emotional as well. 

Hey, I made bad choices as well. I wouldn't presume to suggest anyone stay in a bad marriage... but I WOULD say to divorce before getting emotionally or sexually involved with someone outside the marriage. While the second relationship may flourish after the first is dissolved, it still gives the wrong example. It gives the impression that affairs are perfectly fine, when, in fact, they are not. Again, it doesn't matter how you dress it up, the act of having ANY affair is wrong.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

It's not fair to "Jane" to keep her in the dark about "Liz". Tell her. Now. She's your wife and deserves to know.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Please show your wife this thread. She has the right to choose if she wants to stay married to a man who married her just months ago & yet feels he has a real soul mate who is more sexually exciting to him waiting in the wings.

This isn't love, for either of them. Its all about you.


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## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Jane should divorce you and find a better guy.
> 
> Why is Liz even a option when you are married ? Would you want Jane comparing you to other guys on a regular basis ?
> 
> ...


This is awesome Warlock! Jane certainly picked the wrong one.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

People who actively believe in "love" and how it is whimsical and changes over have no business getting married. They should not promise to do something they don't have the personality to do what they are promising to do - which is see their marriage as more than about happiness, but also about dedication. A partner will make you unhappy at times, there's really no way around that - living full time with another person meaning dealing with all their issues and strangeness. 

Which is what people are pointing out to the OP - that when you aren't living someone, you get to have a very specific version of them. Which is why people can date for years, live separately, and get on fantastically, but the minute they move into together, things fall apart. 

And, Buttercup, we'll have to agree to disagree that an emotional affair isn't cheating, its more than talking, you are giving your emotional energy to a person other than your spouse, which is what you promised to do. It's more than "she just likes to talk to him."


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## raka (Jul 16, 2012)

Jack29 said:


> How about we call them "exhibit A" and "exhibit B"
> 
> Anyway looks to me like yours a case of "the grass is greener on the other side". In my opinion stick to your wife and don't do anything stupid that youd probably regret big time!
> 
> ...


I agree, women do like to play into things you like at first. You like this person, you want to have something in common so they live you and you have something to talk about. I know a friend of mind who will actually force herself to like things that a guy she has a crush on likes. Go by "houses- everyone lies" theory here. She see's something she wants, she has to make it come to her and its working flawlessly


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

buttercup21 said:


> All the responses you ve got are plain judgmental, all showing how moral they are but I would offer you a practical advice.
> 
> I have seen my parents marriage turn from good to worst. My mum regarded my dad as her best friend and a source of stability but she was in love with another man. She asked for opinions but everybody counseled her to stick to my dad, which she eventually did. That became her worst nightmare. She wasn't happy at all.
> She became aloof and indifferent. Dad was annoyed, my brother and I neglected, but this went on for a years until one day she said she wants to get out of her misery.
> She never forget that guy and filed for divorce after 10 years till we were grown up.


I'm sorry your Mother neglected you. That should never have happened no matter who she was married to. The OP has not given us any indication that his wife is anything but loyal & kind, not someone who will become his "worst nightmare."

No disrespect but you are portraying your Mother as a victim who was trapped in a bad marriage & not free to be with 
"love of her life" & the consequences were to be miserable, bitter & a neglectful Mother.

You really have no idea how her life would have turned out if she had left your Dad sooner & married this other man & either does the OP.

The OP has come onto an open forum & asked for advice. I think he is at least listening by his responses. It is not nice to call us all judgemental because you disagree with us.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

learningman said:


> You're in a full blown emotional affair. Cut it out now and work on your marriage with your wife. If after trying it dosn't work out, then think about other women but not while you're married.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I'm sorry your Mother neglected you. That should never have happened no matter who she was married to. The OP has not given us any indication that his wife is anything but loyal & kind, not someone who will become his "worst nightmare."
> 
> No disrespect but you are portraying your Mother as a victim who was trapped in a bad marriage & not free to be with
> "love of her life" & the consequences were to be miserable, bitter & a neglectful Mother.
> ...


:iagree: :iagree:

I for one AM judgmental when I hear about cheaters, especially those cheaters who see nothing wrong with what they're doing and/or try and justify it in some way based on something their spouse did or did not do. Cheating is a choice, plain and simple, one made by the cheater and NO ONE else. I'm fine with being called out for it


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Let's make this short and to the point...

You need to change your "User" name

from: WantsToDoWhatsRight 

To: *WantsToDoTwoWomen*

Nothing right about that at all.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> One thing though, I'm quite certain Liz and I having common interests is a real thing and not illusory (I've known her almost 5 years) so if anyone has any further advice, please take that point at face value.


She and probably about 5000 other women around the world could share common interests. So what...give her a cookie and a medal and stop E-Cheating on your wife.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Just divorce your wife then. It'll be far less damage to her. You'll mess her up for someone down the road if you cheat on her - and trust the girls. She will KNOW. She will feel it. Be honest. Why is honesty so hard?


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## katewislet (Oct 3, 2012)

Hi WantsToDoWhatsRight,

We believe that you should continue with your wife Jane and leave liz.

We understand that you have got good emotional attachment with Liz but thats not right, instead you should have given time to your wife and all the things would have been changed.

Think again about it, If you ask me then I will choose Jane because Leaving your wife would not be a good option.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> Jane's a great gal; there's no one else in the world I'm as comfortable around, and she's very confident and secure in herself.
> Liz is the complete opposite to my wife Jane. She's fundamentally insecure with self-esteem issues. She says she feels happier and more confident in herself when she's with me, that I bring out the best in her.


I think the OP likes the "damsel in distress" dynamic here. His wife is confident and secure. She doesn't seem to "need" her husband to make her complete. Liz is incomplete and needs the OP to make her life whole. 
I think men have a natural tendency to want to be needed, and to rescue women in distress. The problem here is that Liz will always be needy and insecure, and that will cause a lot of problems in the relationship (if there is one). The OP needs to decide if he loves his wife and married her for the right reasons as if Liz is not in the picture. Let's say that Liz ran off with someone else tomorrow. Would the OP still leave Jane? Liz has her own deamons that she needs to deal with. OP, don't jump into a new relationship with Liz just because she "needs" you. You will regret it later and you will wish you were with a confident woman.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Leave Jane

I can't believe people are telling you to work it out with your current wife... That's not how marriage works

LOOK

if you cannot truly connect with someone on an emotional level LEAVE!!!! the belief that you can "fall in love again" is completely absurd.. Either the attraction exists or it does not, people can become re interested in another but nobody falls truly in love with someone and than losses it. That's not a "true love"


People who are left by their spouse find this really hard to hear on the internet but its true... You will only make her and yourself more unhappy if you continue on in this marriage...


Leave than start a relationship with Liz... DONT cheat on your wife


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> Leave Jane
> 
> I can't believe people are telling you to work it out with your current wife... That's not how marriage works
> 
> ...


I think this post is absurd. Really?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think you should tell Jane what you've told us here and give her the opportunity to run for the hills.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> Leave Jane
> 
> I can't believe people are telling you to work it out with your current wife... That's not how marriage works
> 
> ...


Well, that is utter nonsense. I wasn't emotionally connected to my husband for a long time, and yet, we are now. It does work...if the spouses WANT it to, whether you wish to believe it or not. Yea, I get it, Goldmember, you have seen a lot of things. Yes, as a lawyer (I believe someone pointed out divorce lawyer in another thread?), it would seem logical, to you, for him to not even try with his wife and just go off with the woman who couldn't care less that he is already married. Yes, that makes PERFECT sense.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, that is utter nonsense. I wasn't emotionally connected to my husband for a long time, and yet, we are now. It does work...if the spouses WANT it to, whether you wish to believe it or not. Yea, I get it, Goldmember, you have seen a lot of things. Yes, as a lawyer (I believe someone pointed out divorce lawyer in another thread?), it would seem logical, to you, for him to not even try with his wife and just go off with the woman who couldn't care less that he is already married. Yes, that makes PERFECT sense.


I've always heard, too, not to let your emotions run your life. That usually if you react using just your emotions it usually isn't a good idea. Anyone else hear that?


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## WantsToDoWhatsRight (Oct 30, 2012)

Thanks again for everyone who has responded. Even you judgemental folk ;-) The consensus is pretty strong that I should forget Liz. There are also other aspects of the situation that I don't want to reveal for reasons of maintaining anonymity that may affect your views.

Nevertheless, many of you say I should tell all this to Jane and see what happens. I haven't told Jane about Liz, but I *have* told her everything else, many times. That I love her very much. That I want her to be happy. That she's a great catch. But that we have incompatible desires for our lives. We want different lifestyles. We value different things. We're passionate about different things. We have nothing to talk about. Also she has a little boy from a previous marriage and the two of us have never gotten on too well. Her response is not to disagree with me on the facts of the situation, but simply to blow it off somewhat. To say that I'm making too big a deal of things, or worrying too much. That we have a great life ahead of us and I need to focus more on that. She's probably right. I worry that I'm worrying about the wrong things. I'm overthinking everything. But then Liz enters the picture and we seem compatible in every way. And it's not just emotions; intellectually we connect so much better..

It's tough.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

why is everyone being so nice, and how long have you been sleeping with Liz? you're lying to your wife-don't think for one minute I would believe you if you said you are not sleeping with Liz. 

If you are out shopping for a new car you will not like the one you have-same goes with wives.

you're just on here to have someone pat you on the back and say it's ok. leave your wife. it's not ok.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> But that we have incompatible desires for our lives. We want different lifestyles. We value different things. We're passionate about different things. We have nothing to talk about. Also she has a little boy from a previous marriage and the two of us have never gotten on too well.


Were all these "differences" in place prior to meeting "Liz?"

and of course you don't get along with your wife's son....sigh...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have three kids from my first marriage and my oldest and my husband have had some severe differences over the years. That's a moot point as far as your relationship with your wife and makes no difference with respect to the fact you are still cheating on your wife. 

If you and Liz are so compatible and you want to be with her, then divorce your wife and be with her. End of discussion. Either you are with Liz or you're with Jane. Either or, not both. And if you really care so much about Jane, you will tell her WHY you are divorcing her too.

What is so hard to understand about that??????????????????

This is not what I advise that you do, since you did say you wanted to do the RIGHT thing. This is not the right thing to do. You've been told over and over what the RIGHT thing to do is, and you are still finding excuses to keep cheating on your wife.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

BTW that's alot of "differences" with someone you have only been married to for a few months. 

You said Liz is insecure & has self-esteem issue & guess what? so do you. Jane sounds cool & independent. Are you SURE she would be devastated to lose you as you say?

If you were my husband & in love with another woman, I would set you free because I am independent with good self esteem in other words...I don't "need" you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WantsToDoWhatsRight said:


> Thanks again for everyone who has responded. Even you judgemental folk ;-) The consensus is pretty strong that I should forget Liz. *There are also other aspects of the situation that I don't want to reveal for reasons of maintaining anonymity that may affect your views.*
> 
> Nevertheless, many of you say I should tell all this to Jane and see what happens. I haven't told Jane about Liz, but I *have* told her everything else, many times. That I love her very much. That I want her to be happy. That she's a great catch. But that we have incompatible desires for our lives. We want different lifestyles. We value different things. We're passionate about different things. We have nothing to talk about. Also she has a little boy from a previous marriage and the two of us have never gotten on too well. Her response is not to disagree with me on the facts of the situation, but simply to blow it off somewhat. To say that I'm making too big a deal of things, or worrying too much. That we have a great life ahead of us and I need to focus more on that. She's probably right. I worry that I'm worrying about the wrong things. I'm overthinking everything. But then Liz enters the picture and we seem compatible in every way. And it's not just emotions; intellectually we connect so much better..
> 
> It's tough.


Ummm, no. No matter how you try to explain things away, those of us who say "divorce your wife or work on your marriage" will STILL say the same thing. We will STILL say that affairs should not be on the table AT ALL. If you want Liz so much, tell your wife and get a divorce. If you want to actually work on making your marriage work, tell your wife about Liz and how you are feeling, and let HER decide if she wants to remain married to you. Either way, no matter what you say to try to justify yourself, there IS no justification for cheating on your wife.


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