# My partner suffers from anxiety..



## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

My partner suffers from anxiety, I was just wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and can help me with advice on how to help him??


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening Xbabylouisex
What sort of anxiety? Is this minor nervousness, or incapacitating? All the time, or panic attacks? Some particular situation or issue (crowds, fear of medical problems etc?).


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

All the time pretty much, and regular panic attacks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tell him to get help? Doctors can prescribe anti-anxiety meds, threalists can help with coping techniques. 

You can't do anything for him until he realizes the extent of his issues and decides it's time to change. Is he at that point? Is he asking you for help?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, as I recall you've got a long posting history here, but I'm on my phone so I can't see it. Care to summarize?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> Tell him to get help? Doctors can prescribe anti-anxiety meds, threalists can help with coping techniques.
> 
> You can't do anything for him until he realizes the extent of his issues and decides it's time to change. Is he at that point? Is he asking you for help?
> 
> ...


I have tried convincing him to get help, but he won't. I just don't know what to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I have tried convincing him to get help, but he won't. I just don't know what to do.


There's nothing you can do, if he won't help. Your only option is to accept the situation or not. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> There's nothing you can do, if he won't help. Your only option is to accept the situation or not.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you know anything about anxiety??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My STBXW started getting panic attacks out of the blue. Her doctor prescribed some meds (don't know which ones) which eliminated them. But she never undertook the therapy suggested, which may have helped her dump the meds. Whether the meds had an impact on her sex drive, which was a significant contributor to the demise of our marriage, we never found out. 

For her, the untreated panic attacks made her unable to work effectively and even reluctant to leave home. Don't know if your partner's are that bad or what. I can try to respond based on my memories, if you have questions. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, for my STBXW, the panic attacks were a non-rational reaction to SOMETHING. There was no way to figure out what she was responding to, so there was nothing I could do to help her with that. Aside from supporting her when one hit, trying to get her somewhere private to help her recover, etc. But they were going to happen no matter what I did or didn't do. Which is why therapy and/or medication was required. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> My STBXW started getting panic attacks out of the blue. Her doctor prescribed some meds (don't know which ones) which eliminated them. But she never undertook the therapy suggested, which may have helped her dump the meds. Whether the meds had an impact on her sex drive, which was a significant contributor to the demise of our marriage, we never found out.
> 
> For her, the untreated panic attacks made her unable to work effectively and even reluctant to leave home. Don't know if your partner's are that bad or what. I can try to respond based on my memories, if you have questions.
> 
> ...



Oh right, yeah, his panic attacks are pretty much everyday, and he suffers them at work aswell. I just don't really know what to do to try and calm him down.., I have comforted him, I have supported him, and I have suffered all of the insults when he gets himself worked up. I have tried researching about anxiety, trying to understand it, but I know that I will never understand fully unless I experience it myself.

How did you deal with it when your STBXW was suffering from panic attacks??, did you have to deal with all of the insults aswell??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, there was never any insults. When one happened, as soon as I recognized it, the immediate priority was finding safe and private place for her to "come down". Her biggest fear was making a fool of herself in public. And since I was the rationally thinking one, the best thing I could do was figure out where to go and then get her there. It could be a vehicle, it could be a bedroom or bathroom, wherever. 

If she started lashing out at me because of them, I'd like to think that I'd let things roll off my back for a bit, but it wouldn't give her a carte blanche to abuse me. It would become a "work at fixing this or else" situation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> No, there was never any insults. When one happened, as soon as I recognized it, the immediate priority was finding safe and private place for her to "come down". Her biggest fear was making a fool of herself in public. And since I was the rationally thinking one, the best thing I could do was figure out where to go and then get her there. It could be a vehicle, it could be a bedroom or bathroom, wherever.
> 
> If she started lashing out at me because of them, I'd like to think that I'd let things roll off my back for a bit, but it wouldn't give her a carte blanche to abuse me. It would become a "work at fixing this or else" situation.
> 
> ...


See, problem is.., my partner doesn't abuse me physically, but verbally - definitely. His anxiety is getting so bad, he is clueless as to whether he wants even a cup of tea or anything, because he's just so fixed on his thoughts, he can't decide. It's weird, and very hard to deal with, and I have to keep reminding him of things otherwise he will just stand there and forget what he was doing. When he's having a panic attack, he claims he doesn't know whether he loves me or not, and hearing that hurts as you could imagine, because I am absolutely crazily in love with him.
He's been to the doctors about his anxiety and panic attacks, and I went in the room with him to help explain it to the doctor, but the doctor just gave him tablets (anti-depressants) which didn't seem to work, and now he doesn't really want to go back to the doctors, :-/. He doesn't want to try counselling either because he 'can't afford to take time out of work' and is worried that he will lose his job if he does.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My STBXW was never like you mentioned, but she was pretty quick to get into the doctor when her attacks started. 

I don't really see this dynamic changing until you start to enforce boundaries. He isn't likely to magically get better until he gets help. And he isn't likely to seek that help until SOMETHING forces him to. It might be losing his job because he's a risk or ineffective, it might be you leaving. Who knows. But I do know that there's only one thing that you can control. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and she wasn't on antidepressants, I don't believe. But anti anxiety meds. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> My STBXW was never like you mentioned, but she was pretty quick to get into the doctor when her attacks started.
> 
> I don't really see this dynamic changing until you start to enforce boundaries. He isn't likely to magically get better until he gets help. And he isn't likely to seek that help until SOMETHING forces him to. It might be losing his job because he's a risk or ineffective, it might be you leaving. Who knows. But I do know that there's only one thing that you can control.
> 
> ...


What can I control??, because right now, I feel that I can't control anything.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You control what you're willing to put up with. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> You control what you're willing to put up with.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be honest, because I love him so much, I am willing to put up with anything, because I know that the way he acts and the things he says are all caused by his anxiety, :-/.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In the same way that you can't help him if he won't help himself, we can't help you if you won't help yourself. Sorry for your situation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> In the same way that you can't help him if he won't help himself, we can't help you if you won't help yourself. Sorry for your situation.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do I help myself??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

By laying out and enforcing boundaries on how you're treated. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> By laying out and enforcing boundaries on how you're treated.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By doing that with someone who has a very short fuse.., it would be difficult..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Let's talk about a hypothetical, then. Let's say a friend of yours tells you that her husband has started drinking, and he gets mean when he does. Only then, otherwise he's a great guy. He apologizes after, but refuses to stop drinking. Would you tell her to stay in that relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> Let's talk about a hypothetical, then. Let's say a friend of yours tells you that her husband has started drinking, and he gets mean when he does. Only then, otherwise he's a great guy. He apologizes after, but refuses to stop drinking. Would you tell her to stay in that relationship?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know to be honest..


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I have Paruresis, which is an anxiety issue associated with public bathrooms.

A friend of mine pointed out a couple of years ago that I hold a lot of tension in the areas of my body that were misused when I was very young. I never realized that before, but she was right.

But it's also about being too much of a people pleaser. My individual issue is single stall bathrooms and the fear of making people wait, having them bang on the door, or having them angry with me.

As PBear said, it's irrational and all in my head, but nevertheless, it controls my body.

I don't take medication. Instead I went to the urologist and learned how to use personal catheters. I always carry them with me in my purse. It may seem extreme, but it allows me the freedom to travel. 

I agree with all of PBear's posts. The only person you can truly help is yourself.

Are you familiar with CoDA? If there are meetings in your area, you might find them helpful.

I went for a few months, before our small group stopped meeting, but it was a wonderful experience. You're free to talk about the realities of what you feel and what you're dealing with. And although it can be very intense to read and hear about the suffering of others, it's also comforting to share without the fear of being seen as bizarre.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I don't know to be honest..


I guess that's where we have a fundemental difference of opinion, then. To me, it would be a no-brainer to get someone I care about out of an abusive situation. Especially when the abuser isn't making an effort to address the reasons why the abuse is happening.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

minimalME said:


> I have Paruresis, which is an anxiety issue associated with public bathrooms.
> 
> A friend of mine pointed out a couple of years ago that I hold a lot of tension in the areas of my body that were misused when I was very young. I never realized that before, but she was right.
> 
> ...


Problem is, there are many causes of my partners anxiety, mostly past experiences, and how the future will turn out.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> Problem is, there are many causes of my partners anxiety, mostly past experiences, and how the future will turn out.


But you're not his therapist - you're his partner. It's not your job to sort him out.

I posted the CoDA information for you, and I wish you the very best.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

minimalME said:


> But you're not his therapist - you're his partner. It's not your job to sort him out.
> 
> I posted the CoDA information for you, and I wish you the very best.


I just hate feeling so helpless when I see him like it, :-(.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
this sounds bad enough that professional help may be the only answer. 

I'm not a fan on anti-anxiety medication, but it is probably needed in some cases.

One thing to check though. Is he on medication? If so, check for side effects (check on wikipedia, or some other medical info site). One person I knew had anxiety and panic attacks due to an unusual (but not very rare) reaction to a medication they were taking to help with some breathing (sort of like asthma).


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> this sounds bad enough that professional help may be the only answer.
> 
> I'm not a fan on anti-anxiety medication, but it is probably needed in some cases.
> ...


He isn't on any medication.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

xBaby-Louisex said:


> I have comforted him, I have supported him, and I have suffered all of the insults when he gets himself worked up.... my partner doesn't abuse me physically, but verbally - definitely.


Louise, are you certain you are seeing _panic attacks_? Has a psychologist or psychiatrist diagnosed him as suffering only panic attacks? I ask because you seem to be describing event-triggered temper tantrums, e.g., the outbursts from a man whose emotional development froze at about age four, preventing him from learning how to do self soothing or control his own emotions.

This distinction is important because, whereas panic attacks usually can be treated very successfully with medication and some therapy, the inability to manage one's own emotions cannot be treated with medication and is extremely resistant to therapy (which likely would take years to make a substantial change).



> His anxiety is getting so bad, he is clueless as to whether he wants even a cup of tea or anything, because he's just so fixed on his thoughts, he can't decide. ...he will just stand there and forget what he was doing.


Perhaps this is due to severe anxiety, as you suspect. However, it also could be due to the stunted emotional development I mentioned above. When a person's emotional development is frozen by a childhood trauma, he will tend to live in the past (due to his shame about past events) and in the future (due to his fears of abandonment). Hence, one of the very first skills that would be taught to him in therapy would be how to stay "mindful," i.e., how to stay "in the moment" instead of escaping into the past or the future.



> When he's having a panic attack, he claims he doesn't know whether he loves me or not.


Again, that behavior may be due to a panic attack or, instead, to a stunted emotional development. If the latter is the case, he would be too emotionally immature to be able to tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings. He therefore would avoid that situation by splitting off his conflicting feelings, putting them out of reach of his conscious mind. The result would be the use of "black-white thinking," wherein he would flip -- in just ten seconds -- from loving you to devaluing you. And he would flip back again just as quickly.

Ideally, you will be able to persuade him to see a _psychiatrist_, who will diagnose his issue and prescribe medication if it really is a panic disorder or GAD. If he refuses to see a psychiatrist, I recommend that you see a clinical _psychologist_ -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid opinion on what it is you're dealing with.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

PBear and the others are correct, there is nothing you can do to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Have you tried reaching out to some of his friends or family. He may not accept the advice from you, but he may listen to others. I speak from experience. I suffered from severe anxiety, all of the efforts my STBXW made to alleviate them, actually made them worse. Eventually she gave up trying, because SHE couldn't fix it. She NEVER reached out to friends or family. Reach out to others, they may be able to reason with them in a way that the emotions of a marital relationship will not allow.


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## Anya Neeze (Oct 23, 2014)

Hi. Im not here to troll or offend anyone but I read this because I suffer from bipolar 1 and social phobia. To me, your boyfriend sounds like he also has a mood or personality disorder. Does he have a history of self medicating or abusing drugs? I know myself and I have lashed out verbally saying very ugly things that I did not mean while an episode has occurred. I went into a deep depression for months then woke up manic and crazy for a month then went nack to depression so bad I couldnt stand the thought of leaving my bed. I sought professional help to which I was put on a mood stabalizer, antidepressant, and non narcotic anxiety meds. I also go to therapy 2 times a month. Sadly, there is not much you can do but just 'be there' for him until he decides to seek professional help himself. Most men are reluctant to do this because theyre afraid of the stigma that is behind mental illness but people do get better if they want to... good luck to you both, its not easy to be on either side of this fence.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I had true panic disorder back in the late 70's.

There is only one answer and that is medical help.

1. It isn't going away by itself soon.

2. Verbal therapy is helpful long term but medical (pharmaceutical)
therapy is absolutely required to stabalize and smooth out the 
panic attacks. The attacks come from deep within the psyche 
past traumatic events. there is no reconciling with soothing 
talk. It helps a bit, but only analysis with a trained therapist 
can begin to get you on the healing path. period.

3. convince him to get to a good (I say good, because I had to see
3 - 5 before I found the right one) doctor or else it will 
continue.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

watch this video and see if it might resonate with your husband. 


Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are | Talk Video | TED.com


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