# Separted and Confused... What next?



## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I moved out of our home with our 10 year old daughter 10 months ago. I moved all of my stuff out of the house while he was at work and then met him at his car when he got off that day to let him know I had moved out. At the time, I thought I'd be divorced within a few months. But we are still married and neither of us is involved with anyone else.

A little background on us. We will be married 12 years this May. I've been in school full time for the last 7 years and about to graduate from school with a doctorate degree. The last 4 years have been very stressful for me. He has a very stressful job and doesn't handle stress well. (One reason I left.) 

We have one child together and I have 2 children age 20 & 22 from a previous marriage. My ex husband died in a motorcycle accident 17 months ago. (I took it harder than I ever imagined possible and not only because he is the father of my children.) My 20yo DD and him do not get along. (Another reason I left.)

For the last 7 months he has been working night shift and basically we have only been communicating about our daughter. He was only able to spend 1 day a week with our daughter while he was on night shift. He has now moved to day shift and I have seen a big change in his mood (for the better). He is now able to spend 2 days each week with our daughter. 

We have not had one fight since separating. That is a big change from when we were living in the same house. Our previous fights usually are loud for a very short period followed by WEEKS of silence. 

We have tried to make things as normal as possible for our daughter. We do family dinners (1-2 times a month). We've even had him over for family dinners at the house a few times in the last couple of weeks.

Like I said before, I really thought we would be divorced by now. I'm beginning to think maybe we could try to work through our problems and try to fix all that is broken. I'm really confused. A couple of nights ago I made an excuse to call him and during the conversation, I asked him what we were going to do... stay separated? divorce? try to work it out? He said he didn't know. He said that he really hasn't had time to think about it while he was working overnight shift 60+ hours a week. He was basically on auto pilot. He said that whatever we did he thought we should take it very slow. He suggested we go to dinner next weekend.

So, I have a date with my husband. Or at least I think it is a date. I'm really confused at this point. I'm just not sure if we can work it out. I know we need counseling and time. I really don't want to be single but I don't want to be unhappily married. 

I really am confused and don't know if I'm doing the right thing by opening myself up to this pain. I don't want to wake up 10 years from now regretting not trying. I also don't want to wake up 10 years from now in an unhappy marriage.

Any responses and advice is appreciated.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MrsConfused said:


> I asked him what we were going to do... stay separated? divorce? try to work it out? He said he didn't know. He said that he really hasn't had time to think about it while he was working overnight shift 60+ hours a week. He was basically on auto pilot. He said that whatever we did he thought we should take it very slow. He suggested we go to dinner next weekend.


This is a smokescreen for his true feelings. Working 60 hours a week is plenty, but there are 168 hours in a week. If he was in any way pining for you, he would have jumped at the chance to reconcile - (unless he is trying to play it cool).

If he is not warm and attentive on the upcoming date, you might be better of sticking with your decision to move on. If he cancels the date - forget it. Presumably it was his lukewarmness that made you move out in the first place?


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I don't think it is a smokescreen. I really hurt him when I left, especially the way I did it. He is being careful and said he wants to take things slow. Also we have a daughter. I don't want to confuse her. 

We have a lot to work through. We come from different types of family's, emotionally speaking. He fights like his parents, I fight like mine. The 2 styles are TOTALLY different. So we have never had a "healthy" fight.

We will definately need counseling and a different set of skills to have a healthy marriage. I just don't think I'm ready to give up on us yet.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

MrsConfused said:


> I don't think it is a smokescreen. I really hurt him when I left, especially the way I did it. He is being careful and said he wants to take things slow. Also we have a daughter. I don't want to confuse her.
> 
> We have a lot to work through. We come from different types of family's, emotionally speaking. He fights like his parents, I fight like mine. The 2 styles are TOTALLY different. So we have never had a "healthy" fight.
> 
> We will definately need counseling and a different set of skills to have a healthy marriage. I just don't think I'm ready to give up on us yet.



I have to agree, the way you left was rough and he is probably upset by that still. Being in a bad situation myself I have got to say that I am sick of the games. (not saying you are playing them) these are peoples lives, childrens lives. I think that unless there is abuse or cheating that both sides should try and work it out, be honest and do whatever it takes to make that happen. If after that, its not there for one or both parties then I guess its divorce time. But frig, like it my situation 15 years of marriage, three kids from 15 to 4, never cheated, no abuse and my wife acts like I am a serial killer when I have done nothing. I think she wants to pretend she is a teen again. Either way you should go to dinner and lay out your cards. Who knows if he does the same thing you could be on your way to recovery.


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Thanks for the encouraging words, Sportsman! I agree with what you said.

Looking back... well not even looking back... I knew when I was doing it was the coward's way to leave. It really shocked him. It wasn't like he was blind to our problems, he was shocked that I just up and left and felt like I had it planned for a long time. Which, truthfully I had decided about a month before hand to do it that way. 

He is not a bad man, I am not a bad woman. Neither of us have been unfaithful. I don't want to sow any wild oats. I have not even thought about another man. I really do love my husband, it just had gotten so bad that I couldn't live there anymore. I do not regret moving out.. just the way I did it. Moving out may have actually saved our marriage. Time will tell.

I hope that we can slowly heal our past issues and build a NEW marriage. 

And Sportsman, good luck with your situation. This is really tough going through. I only hope the outcome is a strong HAPPY marriage. If it is, it will be well worth every ounce of pain!


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I asked my husband if he would watch FIREPROOF with me and he said yes. I asked if he knew what it was... he didn't. I told him it was a 'relationship' movie. He (again) said we could watch it together. 

Has anyone seen the movie? I'm not sure when we will watch it, but I went ahead and bought it, so it's here when we get the chance. 

I've also been looking at the 40 day challenge and couples kit from FIREPROOF. 

Are there any books that would be good to get to help me on this journey? I'm ready to put the time, work, and tears into this. I could use guidance.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

how about the bible? you could read it, and see if it brings you any peace, or clarity....

Even if you're not a religious person, which I understand that not everyone is, it could be useful.

Psalms are good, and there are many of them.

It's surprising how much you can take away from that book, in terms of applying it to your life, marriage, and any other challenging situation you face.

Good luck on your date, it sounds like he misses you. Anything is possible, and if you both truly want to work it out, then there's potential

Stay strong.....


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Marina, you are right. My new focus is to allow God to help us get our marriage in the right place. In fact, that is why I was interested in watching FIREPROOF with my husband. The couples kit for FIREPROOF is a Bible based marriage/relationship study for couples. It includes 2 copies of the 40 day challenge books and one copy of the Bible study book. 

We are Christians but have not been in church for awhile. That is something else we need to change. We made work/school schedules an excuse for getting out of the habit of going. I'm through with excuses for that. 

I'm also through with excuses for our bad marriage. It's easy to blame the other person, our busy lives, etc. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to have our family back together. I really am praying for something new in our hearts.

Marina, thanks for your reply. It really helps to come here and talk this out and to get points of view from others. Sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture when you are in the middle of it all.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

confused:
Here is an email I got, and it's from Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life"

I just got this today, and thought of you, and thought maybe it might be nice to read. I hope it helps some. Maybe you could look up the passage with your hubby, and read it together.  See below....



In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage: 
"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT). 


Love can be absolutely exhausting. Don't let anyone fool you. The kind of love that really makes a difference in this world will zap everything out of you.

Sometimes you just don't feel like you have any more love to give. Maybe you're in a people-intensive job—such as teacher, salesman, or waitress—and you come home and think, "I just can't face another need, another problem, or another heartache." So you just shut down.

Or you need to show love to a particular person who is demanding, selfish, and never returns your love. And you just think to yourself, "I'm done. No more."

While that's perfectly natural and perfectly human, it's not the high standard of love that God calls us to in the Bible. The Bible says, in 1 Corinthians 13:7, "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (NLT). Love never gives up.

How can you have that kind of persistent love for another person? You get refueled.

When my kids were young, I remember taking the family to a nearby air show. It was so impressive to see how they would hook up a tanker to a jet in flight to refuel. I'll never forget that. Can you imagine a jet saying, "I don't need to refuel"? That would be silly! The jet would crash and burn. In a long distance flight, a jet has to refuel.

So do you. To show the kind of persistent love that God wants you to show, you have to refuel your love tank. Look around at society, and you'll see it's littered with debris from relationships that have crashed and burned because they didn't refuel their love.

How do you refuel your love tank? You start by letting God love you. "We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19 NIV). When you're worn out, tired, and can't imagine showing love to anyone else, remember that God loved you so much he sent his Son to die for you.

Now that's real fuel. That's what keeps you going when you want to quit.


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Thank you! I just put that verse into my Palm Pilot so I can read it over and over.

Again, thanks!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

you're welcome! 

Marriage takes so much work, on both parts. And it's hard sometimes when life helps us drift apart. Happens to everyone. As they say, a marriage is like a garden. 

And remember that even if you two can't find a way to work it out, and if you end up splitting for good, you're still going to be okay, and God is still going to love you just a much as he ever has. 

I think there is definitely potential, and the fact that you've been living apart for so long, but are going out to dinner , is a great sign that you two have the strength to get through this, and come out stronger. Remember that anything is possible, with God's help.

One thing I have learned from some of my struggles, is that when you can't stand because you're so broken, you can always kneel....

blessings....

keep everyone updated!


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## sadhusband (Mar 23, 2009)

Don't give up and stop pointing fingers. Reconcile! He loves you and he has his way of showing it. Accept him for who he is and how he is. Read proper care and feeding of husbands and get some insight into him. I like the verse too and wish you luck... don't give up. The best lesson you can teach your daughter is reconciliation through a tough time... what a great life lesson for her.. and make yourself happy! Work on being clear with what you want and what you don't want... good luck..


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## sadhusband (Mar 23, 2009)

I wish my wife accepted me as I am, but she does not and we are headed for D. I wish I could stop it, but it seems I cannot...


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Accepting my husband, faults and all, is something I need to work on. I have a tendency to think I'm right in the way I think, which means I think he is wrong in the way he thinks. In actuallity, we just think differently, with neither being right nor wrong. That said, there are things he NEEDS to change, just as there are things that I also need to change. I'm going to have to put into practice the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. --Reinhold Niebuhr

I know that I cannot CHANGE my husband, only myself. I can only suggest to him the things that are important to me that he change. I will also have to be open to changes that he needs from me.

It will be real work, but I've decided it is better to put the work into this relationship than going out and finding a new one to mess up!


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

thunderSh... Thanks for the link for cheap drugs... NOT!!  This website is not the place for you to advertise your website.


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

sadhusband said:


> Read proper care and feeding of husbands and get some insight into him.


Thanks for the word of encouragement, sadhusband. I know one of our big problems is that we don't GET how the other one thinks. I took your advice and just ordered PROPER CARE AND FEEDIND OF HUSBANDS. I also ordered PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF MARRIAGE and the LOVE DARE (to go along with the FIREPROOF movie we are going to watch together).

I'm looking for ways to renew our love and respect for each other and am willing to read/research as much as possible and then put what we learn into practice.

Good luck with your relationship, too!


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## sadhusband (Mar 23, 2009)

[email protected]!! Don't keep trying and hang in there... salvaging your marriage would teach your daughter the best lesson in life... that problems can be overcome with hard work... I'm cheering for you...


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Because he wants to take it slow, I've tried to make small connections with DH, without being too in his space. He works retail so I've 'dropped' off dinner twice this week at his work, with the pretense of "needed to pick up a few things at the store and had cooked and thought you might want a plate". He seemed to appreciate it and even called after the second time to say thanks and say how good it was. I've also sent him 2 text messages, short and sweet, 'have a good day' kind of messages. Then last night out of the blue, he called to talk about his day at work. Taking that as a good sign.

We have a 'date' tommorow night to talk to about "things". This will be the first time in 10 months that we will be together without DD. 

I'm not sure how to handle things tomorrow night. Would it better to keep things light and just enjoy each other's company, more like a first date? Or should we dive in and talk about our issues?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I would just say play it by ear. Feel him out, and if he wants to talk, then go for it. But, it might be nice to just have a nice evening and remember the good times. Maybe even a smooch or two! ;-) Or more if you both want it.

You will know what to do once you're there with him.

I wish you luck. I admire your tenacity, and your commitment to do anything you can to try to save your marriage. Shows great character.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

mrsconfused, keep up the good work! I wish my wife was doing half the thinking and actions you that you are. Sadly she is not, but I continue to try and save my marriage anyway. Good luck to ya!


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Update on "the date"...

Well tonight was the night! I went shopping today for new outfit (I've lost about 25 pounds, so I needed something new). I did the makeup, outfit, and good attitude! He picked me up, right on time. I really enjoyed the anticipation of the date while waiting for my doorbell to ring.

We did a little shopping at a new shopping center that opened recently. Then we went to dinner. I figured after dinner that would be the end of the date, but then he asked if I wanted to go anywhere else. Took that as a good sign! We ended up at the book store and walked around talking. It was getting a little late, so we went back to my house so he could get his car. We hugged goodnight and I gave him a kiss on his cheek. Then I went to pick up our DD from the babysitter.

We have decided to go out again next Saturday. We are going to take it slow and see how it goes. We talked very little about our problems tonight. We simply enjoyed each other's company for 5 hours. It was just like a real first date, only more relaxed. It was a great night and I'm really looking forward to next weekend!

I put my wedding rings back on when I got home.


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

We were going to wait until next Saturday to get together again, but he came over to pick up something he needed printed from the internet (that I offered to print for him). Our DD was off with family members for the afternoon and when I called him to let him know that I had his papers ready I was sure to mention that fact.

When he arrived, I had the papers in the den, where I had the basketball game on TV. I don't watch sports, but he is into it, so I thought I'd have it on when he got there. He ended up staying for about 4 hours. We sat side by side on the couch watching basketball and looking up things the internet. When he left I walked him out and we hugged again, and again, I gave him a kiss on his cheek.

We have decided to tell our DD this week that we will be spending more time together.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Awesome!


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