# Friendships after marriage



## QuietSoul

I would like to know how your friendships, or the types of friendships, has changed since you got married.

Are you as social as you were before you were married? Do you have the same friends as you did before? If not, have you and/or those friends drifted somehow? Do you have your own sets friends or are they all mutual? Do you have opposite sex friendships, and if so, how does your spouse feel about that? Do you let or encourage eachother to spend time with friends separately? Do you feel your social life is more balanced now than before, or vice versa? 

I have been married for six years. Friendships for me have definitely changed. Some of it is having moved to a different area and new church, and some.that we are in differing life stages or evolved differently as people. Kinda sad, but this whole best friends forever thing is just for movies.... 

I have fewer opposite sex friendshils now (and by that, I mean just one, not including mutual or couple friends). Sometimes I hit it off friendship wise with a guy at work or elsewhere, and then.I just think, can't be bothered, too awkward and I think it takes a long time to establish there is no chance in hell that that person will never be attracted to you. 

As a married couple, I find couple friendships the best. Hang out in a small group, get girl talk while hubby has mini man date, can play a game, drink wine, see a movie, enjoy same sex and opposite sex friendships, and let off steam to your partner behind the other couple's back when you need to vent. 

But sadly, I find I make less effort to meet up with or keep in touch with friends than before. I don't know, maybe I depend on my relationship for those needs and am content. or maybe i'm lazy or needy. or mahbe it's kind of normal. Not sure...

Anyway, thought it would be good to explore this topic with others and hear the insights and experiences of other married people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlotteMcdougall

We do not have opposite sex friends in our marriage. I do have one male friend but he is gay, which is completely fine with my husband.

I tend to have female friends who are also married. I ended some friendships because they were destructive and my husband helped me see that. There were jealous women who made snide remarks about my husband and I. I also cut off one friend that I had for seven years because she just used me. It was all take take take with her and I grew weary of rescuing her from the situations she put herself in. I had to learn not to be so kind and generous to everyone because too many people took advantage of that. 

Recently, a woman I was friends with ended the friendship because I confronted her about her haughty and arrogant attitude. She changed after getting engaged to a rich man; started to talk down to me and brag about money all the time. Good riddance; I hated being around her after a while. I think flaunting wealth is very uncouth, especially when the money comes from being a shameless gold digger. 

I have a couple of single friends that are easy going and fun to be around. There are no jealous comments and I love to hear about their dating adventures, as well as offer support. I'm very happy with the friends I have just now.


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## Anonymous07

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> We do not have opposite sex friends in our marriage. I do have one male friend but he is gay, which is completely fine with my husband.
> 
> I tend to have female friends who are also married. I ended some friendships because they were destructive and my husband helped me see that. There were jealous women who made snide remarks about my husband and I. I also cut off one friend that I had for seven years because she just used me. It was all take take take with her and I grew weary of rescuing her from the situations she put herself in. I had to learn not to be so kind and generous to everyone because too many people took advantage of that.
> 
> Recently, a woman I was friends with ended the friendship because I confronted her about her haughty and arrogant attitude. She changed after getting engaged to a rich man; started to talk down to me and brag about money all the time. Good riddance; I hated being around her after a while. I think flaunting wealth is very uncouth, especially when the money comes from being a shameless gold digger.
> 
> I have a couple of single friends that are easy going and fun to be around. There are no jealous comments and I love to hear about their dating adventures, as well as offer support. I'm very happy with the friends I have just now.


:iagree: Same as the above. 

We don't have opposite sex friends out of respect for our marriage and I am picky about who I keep as a friend(no drama/craziness, don't want that in my life). I meet up with different mom friends through the week, but most of my friends who don't have kids kind of fell to the wayside. I'm okay with that though as we really don't have much in common at all anymore and I enjoy the new friends I have made.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

I have one friend who has children. We are still friends in spite of that. This is because I love listening to her talk about her babies and she doesn't admonish me for choosing not to be a mom. I think that a parent can still be friends with childless adults; there just needs to be respect for each other's choices. 

The gold digger actually told me that I wasn't giving my husband anything because we are not having kids. I don't need such ridiculous and arrogant nonsense in my life. There is more to marriage than having kids. Not having babies doesn't make our marriage less valid or happy. 

The woman who used me had two kids back to back, even though she was unemployed and the kids' father was a worthless bum. She used pregnancy as a reason to be disrespectful and very rude. "I'm pregnant! I'm hormonal!" She also used her kids as an excuse to be selfish.

I never expected her to be at my beck and call, but I did expect support when I had surgery and when I had an accident. After all, I was the one who held her hand through miscarriages, sat up with her in emerg, donated beds and money etc. My life is calmer and happier without her in it. I lost respect for her because she kept making very stupid choices, such as having kids with a loser who refused to work and starting a family while on the dole. This fool bought a car and then had the nerve to beg me for grocery money. :rofl: I don't care to know idiots like that. 

I'm hoping that my friends will not forget about me when they become mothers. I understand that they will not be available as often but I hope that I will still see them from time to time, as well as hold their babies. I love kids that can go back to their parents. I like being the fun aunt. :smthumbup:


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## Anonymous07

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I have one friend who has children. We are still friends in spite of that. This is because I love listening to her talk about her babies and she doesn't admonish me for choosing not to be a mom. I think that a parent can still be friends with childless adults; there just needs to be respect for each other's choices.


I should mention that we stopped being friends because my past friends who are childless wanted to go out drinking late at night and are still in a stage of life that I am no longer in. College/partying/drinking/etc. is all in the past for me, but I have old friends still doing all of that. They didn't care to deal with my son, so we grew apart and those friendships ended.


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## SimplyAmorous

I met my husband very young & he immediately filled the shoes of the greatest friend I ever had or will ever have in this life.. whatever friends we had on either side...became both of our friends, we were a unit...one of his friends (she liked my H) - ended up having her in our wedding...she told me If I ever hurt him, I'd have to deal with her.. 

A handful of the girlfriends I had in high school are still my friends today, though a couple has moved (Facebook helps-but a little sad seeing our kids grow so fast) and we still visit now & then.... (their husbands became my husbands friends- usually how it goes).... My H hasn't really kept in contact with any friends from High school.. well maybe 2.. but it seems it's been more dependent on -if I was making contact with the wives or if they needed to get together to work on a project, needing each others help.. (moving, laying cement, something needs fixed on the truck type thing)....Then it just seems everyone is so busy today with both working, kids..their own families...

When we met, most of my GF's took a hit, they used to get  at me cause I always wanted to be with him... It's still this way today, I'd rather do something with my H over my girlfriends any day of the week... but this doesn't mean I don't need them, they are still important to me.. I just need to take the time... I am kinda guilty of not taking enough time...and allowing my Gf's to call me, suggesting get togethers for the most part... 

For a time we had like 3 or 4 friends who used to hang at our house almost every weekend.. but that fizzled out with different jobs, one got married, one moved away.

I've made new Friendships over the years, through church...a Mops group, through our kids, meeting the Moms....then we'd get together for swimming outings bringing a slew of kids... good times...great memories .. One of my favorites, her oldest & our 2nd son will be graduating next year... and I get this  feeling that ...that season in our lives will be over.. but that's the way it goes...

We have a couple single guy friends... they only come over when we are both here.. we like to have a few Big Bonfires in the summer, we open our house & property ...for our teens/ their friends... I cook up a storm..sometimes do an outdoor movie... we invite our friends ...it can be a little chaotic with our house filled, our porch & people littered all over the yard...but these nights are a RUSH.... lots of laughing, eating, reminiscing, music, meeting new people... we don't drink (well my H a little).... most of our friends are on the conservative side, more a church going crowd. If everyone was getting smashed, I'd be a nervous wreck with that many at my house..ya know....so we don't do that sort of Partying.


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## Coffee Amore

QuietSoul said:


> I would like to know how your friendships, or the types of friendships, has changed since you got married.
> 
> *Are you as social as you were before you were married? Do you have the same friends as you did before? *If not, have you and/or those friends drifted somehow? Do you have your own sets friends or are they all mutual? Do you have opposite sex friendships, and if so, how does your spouse feel about that? Do you let or encourage eachother to spend time with friends separately? Do you feel your social life is more balanced now than before, or vice versa?
> 
> ...
> 
> Anyway, thought it would be good to explore this topic with others and hear the insights and experiences of other married people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am actually much more social now than in my early 20s. I didn't have crippling social anxiety before, but I was a bit more introverted. I came out of my shell several years ago. 

I have some of the same friends from my single days. I have more friends than my husband, but that has always been the case. He prefers to have a handful of friends. I have a much larger circle of close girlfriends and acquaintances. I also have friends who are men. Those are purely platonic friendship, some existed prior to marriage. They don't come over to the house. I don't rely on them for emotional support. It's mostly just chit chat or work related talk or joke emails. The friends I rely on for support are all women. Neither one of us puts restrictions on having opposite sex friendships. We believe someone can and will cheat even if they don't have opposite sex friends. What my husband and I expect and observe are good personal boundaries with friends. If one of my guy friends crossed the line, I'd end that friendship pronto. My husband doesn't have a problem with opposite sex friendships. He never has. 

We have couples who are both our friends. Some of them we see pretty regularly because our children are involved in some activity with theirs. We sometimes have outings with the kids or we'll go to dinner. The latter is pretty rare, but sometimes we do that. We used to see our couple friends for dinner much more in the pre-kids era. Now with school and extracurricular activities plus work, it's hard to find a mutually convenient time. So mostly we catch up via phone calls, text, emails.


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## meson

Before we were married over 24 years ago we both had opposite sex friends and same sex friends. My wife had a lot of friends but there were more men than females over all. I had fewer but closer friends about evenly split.

We had met and known each other for a few years and were in a related but slightly different circle of friends. When we started to date I introduced her to a couple of long time women friends of mine that were not in our circle as a test and they got along well. Our marriage did not affect our friends at all. However the change in life did a lot more as we finished up with grad school and took jobs over the country. During this time of being newly married and starting our careers we began slipping away from our High School friends. For me it was mostly distance (6000+ miles) but for my wife it was due to different life pursuits. A lot of her oldest friends already had kids and their life changed and they drifted. 

After we had kids my wife began to pick up a newer set of friends but never really bonded with them like her older friends. She was an older professional with an advanced degree and the majority of them were SAHMs. During this time our friendships began to be more of the conventional type, mostly same sex and couple type of friendships. She felt the lack of close friendships keenly. I was not as affected because I had a core group that I did gaming with. It took me a long time to realize how empty she had become. Even with me my gaming group fell apart after nearly 20 years.

Our friendship situation changed for the better when we started doing more specialized activities. I picked up climbing again and in my search for partners I found an equal split of male and females. Thus I started to have more opposite sex friends again. I met my main climbing partner who is about 20 years younger than me and we had an awesome trip to Utah and over the past few years he has become my best friend (excluding my wife). He is in a different life stage but we have similar passions and professional backgrounds. I also climb with women and go on weekend trips with some of them. I make it a point that my wife gets to know them. It started with being just transparent but when I finally realized that she needed friends I tried hard to include her with things my newer friends were doing. One lady I climbed with had a passion for sailing (my wife doesn’t climb) so we went on a sailing trip in the Chesapeake. My friend confided to her about a new boyfriend who eventually became her husband. We did some couple things together until they moved to a different state. Now her husband and my wife work for the same company and I get most news about my old climbing partner from my wife. My wife has found people she enjoys now from a particular Venture crew my sons are involved with. The adult leaders of the crew embraced her contributions and she recently has added several friends (mostly male) that have more of the same philosophy to life that she does than typical suburbanites.

Friends come and go over time but I have found that when we have had active friendships our marriage grew and we grew together. When our friendships stagnated our marriage was also stagnating. For us friendships help to feed our marriage but we are each other’s best friend first and foremost.


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## sammy3

meson said:


> Before we were married over 24 years ago we both had opposite sex friends and same sex friends. My wife had a lot of friends but there were more men than females over all. I had fewer but closer friends about evenly split.
> 
> We had met and known each other for a few years and were in a related but slightly different circle of friends. When we started to date I introduced her to a couple of long time women friends of mine that were not in our circle as a test and they got along well. Our marriage did not affect our friends at all. However the change in life did a lot more as we finished up with grad school and took jobs over the country. During this time of being newly married and starting our careers we began slipping away from our High School friends. For me it was mostly distance (6000+ miles) but for my wife it was due to different life pursuits. A lot of her oldest friends already had kids and their life changed and they drifted.
> 
> After we had kids my wife began to pick up a newer set of friends but never really bonded with them like her older friends. She was an older professional with an advanced degree and the majority of them were SAHMs. During this time our friendships began to be more of the conventional type, mostly same sex and couple type of friendships. She felt the lack of close friendships keenly. I was not as affected because I had a core group that I did gaming with. It took me a long time to realize how empty she had become. Even with me my gaming group fell apart after nearly 20 years.
> 
> Our friendship situation changed for the better when we started doing more specialized activities. I picked up climbing again and in my search for partners I found an equal split of male and females. Thus I started to have more opposite sex friends again. I met my main climbing partner who is about 20 years younger than me and we had an awesome trip to Utah and over the past few years he has become my best friend (excluding my wife). He is in a different life stage but we have similar passions and professional backgrounds. I also climb with women and go on weekend trips with some of them. I make it a point that my wife gets to know them. It started with being just transparent but when I finally realized that she needed friends I tried hard to include her with things my newer friends were doing. One lady I climbed with had a passion for sailing (my wife doesn’t climb) so we went on a sailing trip in the Chesapeake. My friend confided to her about a new boyfriend who eventually became her husband. We did some couple things together until they moved to a different state. Now her husband and my wife work for the same company and I get most news about my old climbing partner from my wife. My wife has found people she enjoys now from a particular Venture crew my sons are involved with. The adult leaders of the crew embraced her contributions and she recently has added several friends (mostly male) that have more of the same philosophy to life that she does than typical suburbanites.
> 
> Friends come and go over time but I have found that when we have had active friendships our marriage grew and we grew together. When our friendships stagnated our marriage was also stagnating. For us friendships help to feed our marriage but we are each other’s best friend first and foremost.


...and then mine had to go ruin it all and have an affair.

-sammy


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## ifweonly

My wife and I have been married for over 52 years and our friends are mostly from our church. We don't social much as we live in the rural country but we do have many Amish neighbors. There is only one Amish family that we are really close to --- we both respect each other and our religion beliefs are very similar.

Actually, my wife and I are very close and spend much time together as we almost always go together. It has been that way ever since our marriage (52 years ago) and probably will never change that. She always knows where I am at all times and the same for me; I just love her to pieces!


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## DoF

QuietSoul said:


> I have been married for six years. Friendships for me have definitely changed. Some of it is having moved to a different area and new church, and some.that we are in differing life stages or evolved differently as people. Kinda sad, but this whole best friends forever thing is just for movies....


You really believed that?

I did when I was 10 or so, but then reality kicked in. I've had SO many best friends and lost them all.

Friends come and go......just start over and keep your head up high. Find people who have similar interests as you.

This is no different than finding a new significant other. Requires LOTS of hard work and SO much filtering of BS.


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## arbitrator

*With me as well as my skanky XW being as affable as we are, our friendships doubled as my friends quickly embraced her, and hers just as fastly adopted me!

Ostensibly, the OMen that she ended up cheating with, however, were not within our circle of mutual friends!*


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## WalterWhite

Good loving marriages often have little time for friends. Sure they have friends, but don't see them as often as their single days. Opposite sex friends can spell trouble if the interaction is too much; and can portend to other issues in the marriage. People need to run to their spouse when they need to talk, get through crisis, share stuff...if that void is being filled by someone else, that's trouble.

My wife and I are too busy traveling, loving each other, our families to have the time for anyone outside our family...


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## D.H Mosquito

I'm too busy working usually to keep in touch with friends and nightclubs and casinos are not my scene so i have people i'm friendly with rather than friends, my wife on the other hand works part time and likes to go blow off steam with her friends and has some male friends some i like some i dont and would rather she not see them but her choice so she chose to keep him as a friend then and i will keep myself to myself lol


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## Cleaver Brooks

I feel like I let some friend ships go but my family close. Some had to go because they weren't good in the first place, others I miss and wish I had maintained. Now I'm trying to reconnect and/or building new friendships with people with similar interests. Kids always make that difficult


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## EMZED

My husband and I have been together for eleven years. We have mainly mutual friends, but we definitely have friends where one or the other of us is closer to that friend and we see them without our spouse. We don't really discriminate in terms of the sex of our friends--we have same sex and opposite sex ones. I wouldn't dream of asking my husband to stop seeing his female friends, and would be confused and hurt if he asked me to do the same with my male friends. My friends are dear to me and bring happiness to my life, regardless of their sex.

I wouldn't say that my friendship situation changed because of our marriage, but we were together from a young age and kind of grew our friend circles together. Moving had a big impact on our friendships, and so did having a child. Friendships sometimes come in waves, but I think a really good friendship is a precious thing.


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