# There's always an excuse



## ladyblues0690 (Mar 11, 2014)

I found text messages my husband exchanged with 2 women..one was in August and this one now started in December. I called the woman and told her he is married. She started crying telling me she didn't know and she respects marriage blah blah blah. I think they are still communicating, and maybe even seeing each other. When I question him he says its for the business and it comes with the territory. (He owns a bar) I have a nagging feeling he is lying. Last week I found a FB chat where he tells her he wants to see her. When I questioned him he said he wanted to find out if I was looking at his FB and there is nothing going on, swearing he is not sleeping with her and she means nothing, absolutely NOTHING to him. He tells me he loves me and he wants to make money for our family.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Mmmm hmmm. Been there, seen that.

What do you want to do? Do you want to find out what is really going on? Do you know what you would do with that information (though once you find out, you may change your mind)?

My stbx was a master at gaslighting and lying. I wish I had listened to my gut and gone after discovery earlier rather than finding out later.

But, tbh, it is probably better for my kids to have happened the way it did. *shrug*


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

"There's always an excuse" - what is your excuse for accepting his behavior?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

He owns a bar?

Good grief.. I could have called that a mile away...

What on earth would make you think it's safe marrying a man who owns a bar?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Read your post and pretend someone else wrote it. Would you believe that p!ss-poor lie?

Silly. Trust your gut because you can't trust either of them. Yes, there is trouble.


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## ladyblues0690 (Mar 11, 2014)

Good morning all...my sad excuse is that I love him. And yes when I read my post I realize how bad his lie is. I do want to know..I just don't know how to go about it. Yes he owns a bar and yes it is trouble...too many temptations. I believe that technology has made it way too easy for cheaters to hide their dishonesty. Plus all of my family is in a different part of the world...and he has friends, friends that will back him up and covet for his lies. So I guess now I have to put my detective hat on...and play Sherlock. 
The sad part is, that this woman is a widow and she was crying on FB how little time she had with her husband. Why would you be so cruel to another woman. Really blows my mind..


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

ladyblues0690 said:


> I found text messages my husband exchanged with 2 women..one was in August and this one now started in December. I called the woman and told her he is married. She started crying telling me she didn't know and she respects marriage blah blah blah. I think they are still communicating, and maybe even seeing each other. When I question him he says its for the business and it comes with the territory. (He owns a bar) I have a nagging feeling he is lying. Last week I found a FB chat where he tells her he wants to see her. When I questioned him he said he wanted to find out if I was looking at his FB and there is nothing going on, swearing he is not sleeping with her and she means nothing, absolutely NOTHING to him. He tells me he loves me and he wants to make money for our family.


Ah, the .. I had my hand in the cookie jar, because I wanted to know if you were going to catch me with my hand in the cookie jar... reason. Excellent... Did you tell him to not insult your intelligence with stupid talk?


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## ladyblues0690 (Mar 11, 2014)

@Fenix How did you find out?


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## ladyblues0690 (Mar 11, 2014)

russell28 said:


> Ah, the .. I had my hand in the cookie jar, because I wanted to know if you were going to catch me with my hand in the cookie jar... reason. Excellent... Did you tell him to not insult your intelligence with stupid talk?


Yes I did...but I'm throne that's crazy


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

ladyblues0690 said:


> @Fenix How did you find out?


A stray IM.

I had been having feelings for years though and every time, I asked, he explained away something. He was slick, and quite the narcissist. Once I had the IM, I got an avalanche of additional proof and my decision became quite easy.

I am not one to put my head in the sand. I had believed the tripe about trust etc and you should split if you don't trust. Oh, and how spying was a bad character trait of the suspicious spouse. It really is ridiculous. Anyway, there was no way I was going to break up my family due to a suspicion.

Weightlifter, on this site, has some fab recs on how to catch a cheater. Do a search on his name. I would recommend a keylogger on the family computer that he uses as a starting point. Many here also use VARs.

How old are your kids?


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## ladyblues0690 (Mar 11, 2014)

Fenix said:


> A stray IM.
> 
> I had been having feelings for years though and every time, I asked, he explained away something. He was slick, and quite the narcissist. Once I had the IM, I got an avalanche of additional proof and my decision became quite easy.
> 
> ...


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ladyblues0690 said:


> Good morning all...my sad excuse is that I love him. And yes when I read my post I realize how bad his lie is. I do want to know..I just don't know how to go about it. Yes he owns a bar and yes it is trouble...too many temptations. I believe that technology has made it way too easy for cheaters to hide their dishonesty. Plus all of my family is in a different part of the world...and he has friends, friends that will back him up and covet for his lies. So I guess now I have to put my detective hat on...and play Sherlock.
> The sad part is, that this woman is a widow and she was crying on FB how little time she had with her husband. Why would you be so cruel to another woman. Really blows my mind..


No you don't need to play Sherlock.

You aren't a district attorney or a police detective. You are a spouse.

He lies
He cheats
He works in a target rich environment
He socializes with marriage-hostile people

That is enough for you to exit this before it gets much worse.

Just because he refuses to be honest does not mean you are obligated to prove he's lying.

He's not participating in the marriage, he is contaminating the marriage. That is your evidence and reason for exit.

Time for Sherlock Holmes is OVER. You know the truth, this is not the time to play district attorney and prove to him he's guilty either. He knows he's guilty, and so do you.

The time for detective work is over. It's time for you to make some decisions for your family now.

He either contributes and cooperates as a productive member of the marriage, or you EXIT.

That's it. No detective work required here.

And he's not contributing or cooperating is he? So he's made your path very clear.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ladyblues0690 said:


> Anyway, there was no way I was going to break up my family due to a suspicion


This is very simple : 

You prompt him for full transparency.

You prompt him to find a healthier line of work for his family.

You prompt him to end relationships with marriage-hostile people.

You prompt him to contribute rather than contaminate his marriage.

If he refuses to do these things, and opts for divorce instead... you KNOW he's CHEATING.

You don't need proof.

You prompt him to participate like an adult.

If he refuses, pouts, throws a tantrum, or avoids.. he's HIDING an AFFAIR.

You don't need to play detective.

You confront. If he does not cooperate, you have your answer.

No detective work needed.

If HE will let YOU and his FAMILY walk OUT the DOOR...he is CHEATING.

_No man will watch a wife and children walk out the door on him rather than contribute to his marriage.. UNLESS he's CHEATING_.

So, head for the door... And watch what happens.

THAT is how you find out.

NO detective work needed.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Allen_A summed it up wonderfully. Digging for facts and trying to unravel everything that they do and say will just add to the pain. Also makes it harder to detach. My stbexw Was confronted and given choices. At the end of the day no matter what she said about wanting it to work she left her family for her "friends." Yes she wanted it to work but only on her terms where she could have her cake and eat it too. Detach and cut him loose.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

ladyblues0690 said:


> Fenix said:
> 
> 
> > A stray IM.
> ...


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Allen_A summed it up wonderfully. Digging for facts and trying to unravel everything that they do and say will just add to the pain. Also makes it harder to detach. My stbexw Was confronted and given choices. At the end of the day no matter what she said about wanting it to work she left her family for her "friends." Yes she wanted it to work but only on her terms where she could have her cake and eat it too. Detach and cut him loose.


I disagree. She has a 24 year marriage and children. She may need some ammunition, esp if she lives in a fault state which takes these things into consideration as far as spousal support and settlements, if she feels that these things are needed or deserved.

If $$ is not an issue, I would agree.


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