# Here for advice and a different POV



## Amschaft

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. I am 30, he is 27, and this is each of our second marriages.

While I have many questions I'd love advice on, I'll start with the biggest blockade in our relationship; that my husband shows me a lack of respect, honor, and what I consider to be loving acts of kindness. To elaborate; I honor the belief that married partners should be each others best friend, confidant, and solid rock. 

I feel as though I offer these things to him, but never get them in return. My husband regularly leaves me out of important conversations and decision making that pertains to our life, usually opting to go to his parents or coworkers instead. He dismisses my opinion and ideas when it comes to his son (5yo, from 1st marriage), yet has high expectations of me treating him as my own child and paying for his clothes, food, and activities. My husband does not open up to me about his feelings, instead he passive aggressively grumbles around our home, then when prompted to tell me whats wrong says "nothing" or "i dont want to do this right now". 

Not only for birthdays and holidays, but literally every week I buy him a gift; new clothes, something for his car, a special treat, etc. just to see him happy, and yet he never does the same for me. In fact, this year on my birthday was the first time he ever bought me a gift at all; a bouquet of flowers, and my "wedding band" is actually a ring my grandmother passed down that's become "good enough" to serve as my wedding ring, since it's not a priority of his. I am consistently taking care of his every need (How are you feeling? You look exhausted; why don't you relax and I'll rub your back and get you something to eat. Can I help with anything? Is there anything I can do for you? Would you like something to drink? Your shoes are looking worn, lets go get a new pair. Etc.) which he also does occasionally, but it feels more like he does it out of guilt or obligation, not out of love and compassion as I do for him; and he literally never does anything for me that costs him money. My husband refuses to have conversations with me about our relationship, and quickly becomes angry and accuses me of 'attacking' him when I attempt to express my feelings. 

This man has no issue taking my time (when it suits him), my generosity, my kindness, my advice (also, when it suits him), and hitching a ride on my motivation train steering us toward a nice home, new cars, fancy trips, etc. yet he doesn't put any effort into giving anything back. My therapist has helped me see that my relationship with my husband more closely mirrors that of a mother and son, where he expects me to do all of these things as if they are my duty and his role is to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Ever since that revelation, its becoming all I can see and I don't know what to do. Is this something marriage counseling can help? 

Should I pull back and stop feeding him with the silver spoon I've worked my butt off to earn? Are we at the point where I should move on and blossom, while allowing him to mature and grow on his own? I must say, I do love this man with my entire heart. Until recently, I wanted to spend every minute with him; I loved buying him things and taking him places,

I loved just driving and laughing and planning our future... but lately I'm seeing that all my loving gestures are being taken for granted, that my head and heart are being drained and receiving nothing to fill them back up, and that he does not honor me as his wife and partner, rather expects me to continuously fill his cup while keeping my mouth closed about my own thoughts and feelings.


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## uhtred

What are his good points. What made you want to marry him and has that changed?


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## Mr.Married

You end up being his enabler for the remainder of your marriage while he slowly settles into a life on the couch. There is a lady on this forum getting a divorce right now for a similar reason.
Dump the dead weight and move on.
You absolutely do sound like his mother instead of his wife. Stop the gravy train.


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## Amschaft

When my husband and I first met, he was extremely attentive and loving. We discussed our previous marriages and seemed to agree on everything that we needed from a partner, and were quite successful in taking care of one another. 

Our goals were in line, and he always encouraged me and expressed how proud he was to have me in his life. My husband used to make me feel like the most beautiful, smart, capable, loved woman in the world! Little by little, things began to change. 

I believe he got comfortable with me always offering to take care of everything, which I was happy to do because the only thing I every wanted in return was his admiration, loyalty, and trust. 

Eventually I had to start asking for things he used to do without hesitation; letting me know if he was working late, asking me how I felt about switching his schedule with his son's mother (always fine, but I believe as his wife I should receive some consideration or at least a heads up so I can plan accordingly), among many others. 

He used to encourage me to co-parent with him when his son was with us, but now all of the "rules" and consistent schedule we had come up with together get blown off, and then he puts me down or reminds me I'm "not a real parent" when I try to keep us on track (ie. Bedtime by 8 on school nights, eating a good amount of dinner before dessert is allowed, practicing picking up toys). It feels like any time I try to discuss any area of life in which he feels insecure,(parenting, money, future, etc.) he gets angry and aggressive with me and responds with insults and yelling, or will just ignore me for hours at a time. When I ask that we spend an evening alone together to focus on our marriage, I'm "being selfish". 

When I ask that he discuss issues with our finances or relationship with ME instead of his parents, then I'm "trying to drive a wedge between them". When I mention he has barely touched me in a week, I'm "smothering" him or he implies "you can just go get it somewhere else" (which hurts because I have never been unfaithful, yet he has..). All of the loving kindness that attracted me to him has become cold and withdrawn. 

All the beautiful things he promised in the beginning have now, 4 years later, become issues of resentment because they were never met, and I'm told "well maybe I'd do this if you didnt nag me so much" "why would I want to buy you a ring when i doubt this marriage will even last" "why should I give you a whole night of my time? 

Not like its going to make you happy, you'll just be miserable tomorrow". I just feel so lonely, unseen, and unloved.. and yet I still give 110% as I always have, because thats the only time we're happy is if I've just taken us on a trip, bought us dinner, taken him and his son shopping, or simply left him alone all night without requiring his attention or affection.


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## sokillme

Better advice don't marry someone like that.


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## sunsetmist

Trying to buy his affection will not work. Is it possible that your upbeat generosity and need for validation are smothering him? Will he go to marriage counseling? Why did previous marriages fail? A third party may be able to unravel some issues. 

Do y'all talk/communicate well in any circumstances? Are your personalities and Myers-Briggs data opposed? Is their any intimacy/feelings of connection? Nonsexual touch? Flirting?

Suggest both of you should read 'His Needs, Her Needs'. Also suggest you puts lots of spaces in your long paragraphs so they will be easier to read. You will get more answers.


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## FeministInPink

OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. He's showing you who he really is, and he isn't going to change for you.

Ate you in individual counseling? I'm asking because maybe your picker is off. I think you need to work on yourself and figure out why your relationships aren't working. This guy sounds like a dud, but you're also in this relationship. There may be something in you and your behavior that attracts people who are bad partners... and you aren't recognizing it early enough in your interactions with them. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## aquarius1

Amschaft said:


> When my husband and I first met, he was extremely attentive and loving. We discussed our previous marriages and seemed to agree on everything that we needed from a partner, and were quite successful in taking care of one another. Our goals were in line, and he always encouraged me and expressed how proud he was to have me in his life. My husband used to make me feel like the most beautiful, smart, capable, loved woman in the world! Little by little, things began to change. I believe he got comfortable with me always offering to take care of everything, which I was happy to do because the only thing I every wanted in return was his admiration, loyalty, and trust. Eventually I had to start asking for things he used to do without hesitation; letting me know if he was working late, asking me how I felt about switching his schedule with his son's mother (always fine, but I believe as his wife I should receive some consideration or at least a heads up so I can plan accordingly), among many others. He used to encourage me to co-parent with him when his son was with us, but now all of the "rules" and consistent schedule we had come up with together get blown off, and then he puts me down or reminds me I'm "not a real parent" when I try to keep us on track (ie. Bedtime by 8 on school nights, eating a good amount of dinner before dessert is allowed, practicing picking up toys). It feels like any time I try to discuss any area of life in which he feels insecure,(parenting, money, future, etc.) he gets angry and aggressive with me and responds with insults and yelling, or will just ignore me for hours at a time. When I ask that we spend an evening alone together to focus on our marriage, I'm "being selfish". When I ask that he discuss issues with our finances or relationship with ME instead of his parents, then I'm "trying to drive a wedge between them". When I mention he has barely touched me in a week, I'm "smothering" him or he implies "you can just go get it somewhere else" (*which hurts because I have never been unfaithful, yet he has.*.). All of the loving kindness that attracted me to him has become cold and withdrawn. All the beautiful things he promised in the beginning have now, 4 years later, become issues of resentment because they were never met, and I'm told "well maybe I'd do this if you didnt nag me so much" "why would I want to buy you a ring when i doubt this marriage will even last" "why should I give you a whole night of my time? Not like its going to make you happy, you'll just be miserable tomorrow". I just feel so lonely, unseen, and unloved.. and yet I still give 110% as I always have, because thats the only time we're happy is if I've just taken us on a trip, bought us dinner, taken him and his son shopping, or simply left him alone all night without requiring his attention or affection.


Wait a second....

Before we go any further, can you elaborate on this please?

Has he cheated on you during your relationship?


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## FeministInPink

aquarius1 said:


> Wait a second....
> 
> 
> 
> Before we go any further, can you elaborate on this please?
> 
> 
> 
> Has he cheated on you during your relationship?


She mentions that he did cheat. But I agree, I think more info on this topic would be helpful.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

His son is 5 and you've been married 4 years. How long did you know him before you married?


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## Tilted 1

He's a cheater. You are his slave, it's plain and simple. He uses you for nothing but for sex ( when he feels like it), housekeeping, babysitting, and to boost his ego. He's relentless until he gets his way. Leave him!! It only going to get worse. Why do you think he so special? 

Quote:
he puts me down or reminds me I'm "not a real parent" end quote.

REALLY..... he's a screw up individual. And it is not your job to try to FIX him. You are only 30 and you have away 4 year's of your life? What a waste, and still you want to give him more of your life so.... He can step on you some more. Why do that to yourself!

Quote: 
"why would I want to buy you a ring when i doubt this marriage will even last" "why should I give you a whole night of my time? Not like its going to make you happy, you'll just be miserable tomorrow". End quote.

Go directly to a lawyer file for sanity and self-respect, He's inmature and is a child in a man's body. He goes to his mommy and daddy for reassurance and answers, what a putz!! He's not ready for marriage, and he even puts his ( child's mother) above you so sit there SHUT UP and be quiet like a good dog. 

I will say this again, it's not your job to raise him. And didn't even buy you a ring, What the hell! It's been 4 yrs together. And as far as him not loving you like a woman's needs is his way of abusing you even more. And I going to assume he never married his other woman just produced off spring ( the child) and the child has no blame at all and put you 2nd to him/her. 

Let his mommy and daddy, try to finish raising him. Because they are worse than him. (Helicopter parents). And your life is meaningless to all of them. And it will get worse, l see this before and it never ever changes it just get worse, have his parents already shown you disrespect yet? ( I mean to your face) they already show you disrespect already. Why do you think they have not encourage a ring for you. (It is because they know their son wasn't or isn't ready to be married).

But really the cheating is only the icing of the cake. You don't stand a chance against them. And yes they are the enemy ( the lot of them) you soon lose any signs of the person you once were. Don't let them do that to you.


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## TJW

Amschaft said:


> Is this something marriage counseling can help?


No. Marriage counseling requires both people. Your husband, in his current state-of-mind, is not going to listen, do the work, evaluate what the MC presents.



Amschaft said:


> Should I pull back and stop feeding him with the silver spoon
> Are we at the point where I should move on and blossom, while allowing him to mature and grow on his own?


Yes. I'm not advocating that you separate or divorce, though. That is a premature question, at this moment, and an entirely unrelated decision. I suggest the "180"....

Here:
*THE 180*

This will help to "fix" yourself. It will not do anything to "fix" your husband. However, if you fully implement all of these principles in YOUR life,
YOU will have a happier life, no matter if you leave, stay, divorce, or renew your wedding vows on a Mediterranean cruise.

There have been cases where it issues a "wake-up call" to the spouse, who then takes efforts to "fix" himself.....


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## TJW

Tilted 1 said:


> But really the cheating is only the icing of the cake.


Quite correct. The "cake" is the underlying disease: entitlement.


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## Girl_power

This is difficult. Do tot work full time? So you guys have separate finances? Do you guys have kids together? 

I personally like to think that most marriages can be saved. But you need to give him the opportunity to step up and prove to you that he wants this marriage. And unfortunately talking doesn’t get you anywhere because he won’t listen. The only thing you can do is speak with actions. I think that you should take a certain amount of time, let’s say a month, and completely focus on you and not him. do not do anything extra for him. Be happy and nice and pleasant, but keep to yourself. Go workout, hang out with friends. Don’t be passive aggressive, tell him what your doing. Do what makes you happy. And eventually he will ask you what’s up, and you can be like “oh can we talk NOW”, and lay down all the issues on the table.


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## Tilted 1

Spoken like a loving woman and person. But these types of people don't change, because they see everyone other than family as the enemy. And they even dislike their own self.


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## Livvie

Well, why do you cater to him so much with unreciprocated gifts, back rubs, etc?


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## Girl_power

Livvie said:


> Well, why do you cater to him so much with unreciprocated gifts, back rubs, etc?




I totally understand this bc I am like this also. When you love someone you want to make them happy, period. It’s a difficult situation. Women are often times more “people pleasers”.


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## AandM

Amschaft said:


> When my husband and I first met, he was extremely attentive and loving. We discussed our previous marriages and seemed to agree on everything that we needed from a partner, and were quite successful in taking care of one another. Our goals were in line, and he always encouraged me and expressed how proud he was to have me in his life. My husband used to make me feel like the most beautiful, smart, capable, loved woman in the world! Little by little, things began to change. I believe he got comfortable with me always offering to take care of everything, which I was happy to do because the only thing I every wanted in return was his admiration, loyalty, and trust. Eventually I had to start asking for things he used to do without hesitation; letting me know if he was working late, asking me how I felt about switching his schedule with his son's mother (always fine, but I believe as his wife I should receive some consideration or at least a heads up so I can plan accordingly), among many others. He used to encourage me to co-parent with him when his son was with us, but now all of the "rules" and consistent schedule we had come up with together get blown off, and then he puts me down or reminds me I'm "not a real parent" when I try to keep us on track (ie. Bedtime by 8 on school nights, eating a good amount of dinner before dessert is allowed, practicing picking up toys). It feels like any time I try to discuss any area of life in which he feels insecure,(parenting, money, future, etc.) he gets angry and aggressive with me and responds with insults and yelling, or will just ignore me for hours at a time. When I ask that we spend an evening alone together to focus on our marriage, I'm "being selfish". When I ask that he discuss issues with our finances or relationship with ME instead of his parents, then I'm "trying to drive a wedge between them". When I mention he has barely touched me in a week, I'm "smothering" him or he implies "you can just go get it somewhere else" (which hurts because I have never been unfaithful, yet he has..). All of the loving kindness that attracted me to him has become cold and withdrawn. All the beautiful things he promised in the beginning have now, 4 years later, become issues of resentment because they were never met, and I'm told "well maybe I'd do this if you didnt nag me so much" "why would I want to buy you a ring when i doubt this marriage will even last" "why should I give you a whole night of my time? Not like its going to make you happy, you'll just be miserable tomorrow". I just feel so lonely, unseen, and unloved.. and yet I still give 110% as I always have, because thats the only time we're happy is if I've just taken us on a trip, bought us dinner, taken him and his son shopping, or simply left him alone all night without requiring his attention or affection.


What changed about him was that once he was sure that he had you hooked, he could stop faking and let it all hang out.

Also, the "I'd do X like I said if you would only do Y/didn't do Y" is classic bull****. When you actually do Y, he just will plug a new value into Y. No amount of anything you do will bring back the man you fell for, because that man never existed. The mooch you're currently living is the real deal.


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## TJW

Girl_power said:


> When you love someone you want to make them happy, period.


You have to modify this statement to:

I want the person I love to be happy. But, if they aren't, I can't change it, and it is not the reason I was put upon this earth. I have my own life, and the primary person I want to be happy is ME.

George Burns portrayed God in a movie a couple of decades ago. One of "God's" best lines in the movie was "......I give you blessings.....happiness is up to you...."

Absolutely true... the wisdom of the ages..... 100% biblical.....


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## Girl_power

TJW said:


> You have to modify this statement to:
> 
> I want the person I love to be happy. But, if they aren't, I can't change it, and it is not the reason I was put upon this earth. I have my own life, and the primary person I want to be happy is ME.
> 
> George Burns portrayed God in a movie a couple of decades ago. One of "God's" best lines in the movie was "......I give you blessings.....happiness is up to you...."
> 
> Absolutely true... the wisdom of the ages..... 100% biblical.....




Your right. I’ll change my sentence. 

I like to do things that I know my SO likes.


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## Adelais

@Amschaft, for some reason, not having anything to do with you, your husband does not respect your brain, or appreciate you as a person. It is deeply ingrained in him, and you can't change that. He is not going to change it until he is in enough pain to want to face himself.

You aren't to blame for marrying him, unless you did so very quickly without knowing him. He probably acted very differently when you were dating, and once you both had rings on your fingers, his true feelings (or fears) took over.

The first part of your post resonated with me. My husband hid (stuffed) his feelings too, and only connected with me through sex. Sex didn't make him emotionally connect with me any longer than the actual sex act. In fact, after sex, he felt vulnerable, and would emotionally push me away. He only recently realized and admitted to me his vulnerability stemming from his own parent's divorce when he was 10. I've known he was pushing me away for years, and it hurt like hell. Eventually I was mad as hell. 

He is different from your husband, however, in that he would always draw me back in with acts of service and gifts. He knew I was upset with how I was being treated, he couldn't (or wouldn't) open up, and instead he bought gifts, however large or small for me.

His treatement of you is going to wear and tear you down more and more over the years. You cannot fix him.

You can draw a boundary and protect yourself. I hate to say this, but him not including you in important decisions is divorceable. 

I suggest that you read Love Busters by Willard Harley. His behaviors are "busting" or destroying you, and eventually will destroy your love.


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## Laurentium

Amschaft said:


> Is this something marriage counseling can help?


Potentially, if he's willing to engage. But it doesn't sound as if he would. It sounds as if he hasn't yet freed himself from his parents and become an adult.

If there are no joint children it might be easier to call it a day.


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## MattMatt

This is all probably how he blew up his first marriage.

Escape now with your child.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Amschaft said:


> When I ask that he discuss issues with our finances or relationship with ME instead of his parents, then I'm "trying to drive a wedge between them". When I mention he has barely touched me in a week, I'm "smothering" him or he implies "you can just go get it somewhere else" (which hurts because I have never been unfaithful, yet he has..). All of the loving kindness that attracted me to him has become cold and withdrawn.
> 
> All the beautiful things he promised in the beginning have now, 4 years later, become issues of resentment because they were never met, and I'm told "well maybe I'd do this if you didnt nag me so much" "why would I want to buy you a ring when i doubt this marriage will even last" "why should I give you a whole night of my time?


You really should get professional help for what seems to be a case of severe co-dependency.

That's the only *valid* reason I can think of for why you would continue to disrespect yourself year after year after year, clinging to a nasty, arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive, self-entitled pig like this. You're still hoping and praying that after *years* of being kicked in the face over and over and disrespected every single day, that he's suddenly going to do right by you. It's utterly sad that you're so _willing_ to accept whatever CRUMBS he tosses you and it's even more sad that you're so willing to forget all the prior years of his abuse if he'll *just* magically change going forward.

"Men" like this (and I use that term *loosely* for this POS) are all about finding another 'mommy' to take care of them when their current mommy-wife boots their worthless ass out the door - which is likely what happened in his case. And that's EXACTLY what this guy did - she booted his ass out the door and this ****-stain immediately went shopping for a mommy replacement. He put on the fake "nice guy" routine for you until he was sure he had you hooked and then the REAL person started to emerge. The REAL person is the nasty, disrespectful, using POS you've seen for 4 years running.

He hit the jackpot when he found someone who is likely co-dependent and _lives_ to serve him no matter how *badly* he treats her. You're more than willing to pander to him night and day and do all his parenting FOR him while he does nothing but denigrate you and let you know how worthless you are. And the really sad part is that you're still so willing to to stay with this repulsive excuse for a human being because you're so blinded by love for him that you don't want to accept the REALITY of your situation.

Seriously. Stop disrespecting yourself and please see a professional about your co-dependency.


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## MJJEAN

MattMatt said:


> This is all probably how he blew up his first marriage.
> 
> Escape now with your child.


QFT!

As I read the opening post all I could think was "This guy is a complete <insert profane language insult here> and I can clearly see why he's on his 2nd marriage before age 30."

Also, really, he has a 5 year old with his exW and he's been married to OP for 4 years? Either he was cheating on his exW with OP or they met and married in an extremely short period of time, certainly before they had a chance to actually, you know, get to know each other.


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## MattMatt

MJJEAN said:


> QFT!
> 
> As I read the opening post all I could think was "This guy is a complete <insert profane language insult here> and I can clearly see why he's on his 2nd marriage before age 30."
> 
> Also, really, he has a 5 year old with his exW and he's been married to OP for 4 years? Either he was cheating on his exW with OP or they met and married in an extremely short period of time, certainly before they had a chance to actually, you know, get to know each other.


Yes, I did wonder about that.


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