# Somone Please tell me if its me..



## Ramos_C (Mar 9, 2011)

I never thought I would be looking online deperatly for help but, I am emotionally drained and canot take this anymore I feel like I will go crazy anytime. I have been with my husband for almost 7 years now we got married very young but we have been going through a rocky relationship for more than 1 year now. We moved out of the country with his family last year and that is when my insecurity, jealousy and trust issues started. He started lying about the dumbest simplest things he would tell me one thing and literatly turn around and do the opposite I started noticing this and it started affecting me he has not cheated on me that I know of but things got bad when he started to get flirty with a girl and she told me eveything he told her I confronted him and he denied it at first later admitting that he was just playing and never intended on doing anything the thing is it was a family vacation with my children at the beach and It really caught me off guard after that he kept with, what he says little white lies I know everyone does it but it has made me really insecure i think if he has to lie over these things he is obviously going to lie about serious things and we are now back in the States and just recently caught him looking at porn we talked about it and he promised no to do it but again he didnt stop and just bluntly told me its my problem if i dont trust him not his. I am just so tired of the lying and I know that is why I feel how I do by me not trusting him it leads to my insecurities and jealously I have tried millions of times to communicate with him but he hates it he does not like to talk things out he is very inpatient and does not like to be wrong and its not about that I just want a solution if its me hime both. It is just all the small things have added up and I am scared of what he is capable of hiding from me. Please be honest am I overreacting how can i fix how I am feeling


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You are not overreacting. breakdown of trust and communication is a HUGE issue.

I would suggest marriage counseling and my own MC story is in my profile.

What you have said sounds fixable, but when communication breaks down its very hard to get unstuck without help.

What you can do is read other peoples stories. White lies and avoiding issues is a common theme on these forums. Usually it builds up over time and explodes. Problems with sex and porn is also very common.

So, I would highly suggest MC. I would also suggest picking up relationship books. I really liked gottman's seven principals for making a marriage work.

What you are going through is fixable, but probably not without help. The biggest suggestion I can give you (besides MC and books) is try not fight (stop conversations when they start to get heated) and to talk as openly and honestly about your feelings as possible.

Also, do something NOW. The longer you wait the worse it will get. Make the first steps NOW.

Best of luck, and feel free to add more detail or ask more questions.


----------



## Ramos_C (Mar 9, 2011)

Thanks I was feeling so bad we are one the edge its been going on for too long and we are both worn out. I will take ur advice and read up I just feel like you just answered my doubts I canot fix this alone and he seems to think everything will be fixed on its own if we just leave it alone Which is not the case I have officially exploded no one knows what I have kept inside and finally let it out here. I am turned into a physco insecure freak! I was not like this his lies and me letting it slide has made it ok to go on. I try and talk to him alot I always express how I feel even though sometimes I cannot find the exact words and just talk away i need to work on but, I know he is not willing to seek help or listen to me. I thought i was being imature by letting this get to me he always has a way when we fight to turn things on me how can I force somone to fix things I dont think I can. He has an attitude like "I dont care" does this mean he wants out? I wish he could actually express how he feels instead of saying one thing and acting another


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You cannot force him to fix things. He has to want to fix it.

My wife sat me down and told me to join her in MC and figure this out or our relationship would probably end soon.

My wife was also in personal counseling for about 2 months before that. Depending on your situation, I would suggest that for you to figure this out.

One last thing, People do change. Even the stubborn, egotistical, and angry ones. Get him in MC soon. Explain to him that you both were hurt, not thinking strait, and doing the best you knew how, and it was wrong.



> He has an attitude like "I dont care" does this mean he wants out?


 It either means he is done OR he doesn't know what to do. He is stuck with no way out.

Your thoughts and feelings aren't uncommon. Your situation isn't uncommon. Marriage is hard, and it still seems like you can fix this if you still want to.

No you aren't crazy or wrong or stupid. This stuff is hard, and sometimes couples need MC to figure it out. A lot of the time marriages have to get REALLY bad before people realize its not fixable without MC. Thats what happened in my story.

Best of luck. Stay strong, this is a long hard road no matter what you do. Its an emotional rollercoaster and a mind f*ck.


----------



## Ramos_C (Mar 9, 2011)

Ok so I sat down w him and asked him how he felt and told him we both needed to work on this if we wanted to and if he was acting the way he was then he needed to be honest and talk about it I didnt drown him in my feelings and talk talk and talk i was jsut pretty straight forward. He said he doesnt understand me and that I overreact for all his mistakes and if he says he is going to stop lying that he is. SAME thing that always ends up happening i believe him and get slapped in the face a few days later with dumb lies. I need to change the dynamic he knows he can get away with things becuase the next day after a fight he acts like nothing happened and I go along, should I act like I dont care if he lies again instead of blowing up in his face?? Maybe this will help him realize his lies are a problem and that im actually serious about either fixing this or ending this?? Or what i just dont want to keep living like this and he doesnt realize how fed up I am


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I can't really tell. Did he not agree to MC?



> I need to change the dynamic he knows he can get away with things becuase the next day after a fight he acts like nothing happened and I go along, should I act like I dont care if he lies again instead of blowing up in his face?? Maybe this will help him realize his lies are a problem and that im actually serious about either fixing this or ending this??


 you are 100% correct. I'm not sure what you should do to show him this. Did you tell him its MC or we are probably going to end? Like a ton of other posts, he will try hard for 2 weeks to 2 months and then mess up again unless something changes.



> Or what i just dont want to keep living like this and he doesnt realize how fed up I am


 No, you don't just keep living like this. If you want, get into IC if thats an option.

Also, I would suggest pickup up some MC books in the mean time. I really like Gottman's seven principals for making a marriage work. I spent a few hours in a bookstore finding things that helped me. I would actually do this ASAP. I thought MC books would be cheesy and useless, and a lot are. Some of them really spoke to me and helped me be a better person.

If he won't go to MC, start changing, growing, and strengthening yourself. I might try not blowing up and next time he lies tell him it wasn't ok the past several years and still not ok. It might take you moving to a friends house for a week or something drastic to get him unstuck.

I'm not great at this type of situation, so hopefully someone else can shed some light on it. Also, I like the way you have talked about these issues. It seems like you have a good grasp on youself, the dynamic, and him. Keep working at this. His behavior is NOT ok, but fixable.


----------

