# How to Jump



## Jnj1008 (May 12, 2020)

Hi, my H and I have been married for 15 years. The last 5+ have had many ups and downs. It mainky comes back to lack of communication/inability to communicate without fighting and my H‘s quick temper. I’ve seriously considered divorce for over a year now, even having papers drawn. I decided to give a last ditch effort and thought things were improving a few months ago. However, a bad argument over Christmas made me realize the same issues are there. Small things turn in to huge arguments, his temper is terrible, he is accusatory, yells in front of the kids (ages 13,11), and generally wants to dictate the household. I hope that’s sufficient information for my main question. Those of you who filed for divorce, how did you finally pull The trigger? There is no physical abuse, though there is emotional and mental. But I’m scared of going through the process, scared of his reaction, the effect on the kids, I’m even scared of hurting him. I have a supportive family and financially can make it on my own. I’m just scared. I know that’s normal and expected, but I’d love to hear how you overcame that and what the time has been like since then.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I haven't been in a divorce, but I would just offer to think about your kids, and by that, I mean, staying with someone verbally, emotionally abusive is telling them that that is acceptable and normal. Your daughter may choose someone similar and be stuck as you are, and your son may become just like him, thinking it's okay to bully women. So for their sakes, make a big statement by saying, This isn't anything you kids should ever put up with, and leave. Show them it's okay to stand up for themselves. You say you're afraid of the reaction of the kids. They're too young to fully process this. They already know what he's like, though. They miss nothing. You lead by example. You show them this isn't okay. Later, they will understand better and not just be going on kid emotions.

I know mine isn't quite what you're looking for, but I'm sure others will chime in here and give good advice. Best of luck. Glad you are able to leave without a lot of problems.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

You could do what I did and just wait for it all come to a head after 5 years resulting in my ex wife cheating on me.
I wish I could get those 5 years back....


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have had female relatives in the same situations. One finally waited for him to be out of town and then took the kids and vanished. They left a lot of possessions at home. They met back up after 2 months but that gap conditioned my aunt to not need nor want him any longer. They would see a decrease in standard of living for quite a while but as time has passed, things have improved.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jnj1008 said:


> I’ve seriously considered divorce for over a year now, even having papers drawn. I decided to give a last ditch effort and thought things were improving a few months ago. However, a bad argument over Christmas made me realize the same issues are there.


Was all of this discussed with him, including the seriousness and how close to divorce you were? Or were you just hoping he would change without having a reason to or without knowing how you were really feeling? Was anything done to actually work on the marriage, such as marriage counseling and anger management?


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## Jnj1008 (May 12, 2020)

bobert said:


> Was all of this discussed with him, including the seriousness and how close to divorce you were? Or were you just hoping he would change without having a reason to or without knowing how you were really feeling? Was anything done to actually work on the marriage, such as marriage counseling and anger management?


He will not agree to any type of counseling (I have suggested more than once). We tried communicating better, made time for date nights, I was consciously more affectionate. Hints were pretty good for 2-3 months but the same issues showed back up, even worse than before, right af Christmas. I started a low-dose anxiety medication a while back. He didn’t like that at all, that I had to take medicine to “be happy”. So now when we do argue I don’t really raise my voice or get excited. He mocks me because of that and tells me to just take some more medicine.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's not a nice person. He has no empathy. It's not okay. When you leave, do it legally. Don't just take off with or without the kids. Get a family law attorney and file papers first.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Christmas is a rough, stressful time for a lot of people. Nobody is perfect. You’re the one that lives with him. Only you can weigh it out and choose to leave.

good luck with whichever you choose.

Have you considered an ultimatum, with a separation involved? A separation might scare him into getting some help, and give you the time alone to determine if you’re happier without him.

I’ve read separations usually end in divorce, but it might be a way for you to see how much value he really places on you. For you AND him to see how much he values you and how easily he can lose you if he doesn’t make some changes.

Just a suggestion.


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