# Feeling alone



## Ambush (Oct 10, 2014)

Anyone else ever feel alone or isolated in their relationship?

I've reached a point where I feel I need to grab my wife and demand to just be acknowledged. Shout something like, "Hey! I'm here!"

Its hard to describe exactly what I'm going through, its almost as if we are going through the motions on a day to day basis and trying our best not to step on each others toes.

I keep trying but at times I just don't know why. Its been 3 and a half years since we last took a break to get away on our own for a bit. 

Thought it may be a good idea to suggest doing something for a day this weekend and as I was checking availability and sending the message I could predict the excuses why it wouldn't work. Got the reply back and I was 100% spot on.

Decided that since we won't be doing anything let me surprise her and went and got a set of earrings she said she wanted. As these stores work there was a matching necklace which I then bought as well. Response was underwhelming to say the least. Thanks for the earrings, the necklace is too expensive and I have something similar.

Just feels like I'm fighting a losing battle at this stage.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Are there specific issues in the marriage, or are you just both too busy, and not taking the time to nurture the marriage? Is she angry at you?

Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Has it always been this way?


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

You need to speak with your wife and let her know how you feel, find the route cause and ask her how you can make her happy... getting away is a good idea


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## Ambush (Oct 10, 2014)

hehasmyheart said:


> Are there specific issues in the marriage, or are you just both too busy, and not taking the time to nurture the marriage? Is she angry at you?
> 
> Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Has it always been this way?





WifeyRes said:


> You need to speak with your wife and let her know how you feel, find the route cause and ask her how you can make her happy... getting away is a good idea


I guess one of the things that gets me down is that there aren't any specific issues. Being too busy may be the case, I've tried to correct that though and recently changed jobs so that I can be closer to home and spend more time with the family.

We've been married for 8 years and have 2 children. A portion of the problem stems from my wife being over protective towards them, she simply doesn't trust anyone to look after them and it took a lot of convincing just to let them stay at her parents for a night at a time.

I can't say that it has always been this way though, I can recall much happier times. It has been like this for some time though and I raised the topic with my wife about 2 years ago. Her response was to simply ask what I wanted and I'll admit that she tried but it didn't last.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

All marriages at some point get to where you are at. Thing is, it takes two to want to make it work. If one person is only trying then it ends up with that one person doing the work of two. 

Having kids is a marriage killer. But most of us have them. 

You're trying too hard to make it work. My advice, slow down on your part. Stop buying her gifts. Start doing things for YOU. Stop hovering around her and be your own man. Be an awesome dad. 


Make yourself a guy other women would love to have. I'm not saying go out and have an affair. Just make it known to your wife that you would be fine without her. 

If what you're doing is not working, do the opposite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *jerry123 said*: Having kids is a marriage killer. But most of us have them.


This just isn't always true...I never felt like this in my marriage, and we have 6... it's true a woman can loose site of her husband more than she should , no doubt, but what you are describing here is APATHY... she doesn't sound happy (for whatever reason)....this is what needs unearthed..

Are there underlying issues she has been burying.. being passive about?.. you mentioned her comment about the necklace costing too much..... is she worried about finances, are you not where you wanted to be financially at this stage in life... sounds like you both work & are very busy... 

Is she worn out ? Is she on the passive side when it comes to communicating her needs / wants.. feeling you ought to know.. (but she would never say this to you)..

When is the last time you laughed together? 

Do you know what her love languages are?...or was at one time (more on that below)...

Could she be depressed?

There was an article entitled "*A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore?* "... the link is broken now but I had the symptoms saved...



> *Apathy:* unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> ...












The book *>>*  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts 

The test *>>*







 Love Languages Personal Profile


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

What sorts of things does your wife complain about? About you and/or your relationship, I mean. 

Or has she pretty much stopped complaining about things?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

@simply....it was not for me either but if you look at a lot of people looking for advice about sex in marriage and lack of intimacy you will notice the same "MO" that sex/intimacy declined after kid #1/#2. 

They are a drain to your energy for sure. But like I said, it takes two for a marriage to survive. 


Also, are you sure there is not another person in this marriage? Don't want to suggest she's having an affair but you need to rule it out. There are things called red flags and her being withdrawn is one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jerry123 said:


> *@simply....it was not for me either but if you look at a lot of people looking for advice about sex in marriage and lack of intimacy you will notice the same "MO" that sex/intimacy declined after kid #1/#2*.


 All I am saying is.. it doesn't have to be.. in our case, we were always very close, did everything together, we liked it that way.. I did some stupid things like putting the babies in bed with us & we never took a romantic vacation until we had all of them -at 19 yrs married..at that point our oldest could babysit ...part of it was being "cheap".... DUMB DUMB DUMB... but I never felt like this.. 

Of course it happens (and far too often) but it still doesn't have to be.. I never worked full time though, so I never felt run ragged either. 



> *They are a drain to your energy for sure. But like I said, it takes two for a marriage to survive*.


 it takes 2 who care to revive the passion, keep it fun.. all of it...

I did a thread on how wives can love their husbands ... I spoke of my own blunders there...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ion-our-husbands-shake-up-rock-his-world.html




> *Also, are you sure there is not another person in this marriage? Don't want to suggest she's having an affair but you need to rule it out. There are things called red flags and her being withdrawn is one.*


 This could also be a concern...


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

I agree 100% Simply....but he can't force her to get on board. That's on her. He's trying, but as I've seen many times, the more he pushes to get noticed more the more she retreats. 


As for possible affair, I've read way to many times on here that a EA's/Pa's take a lot of energy from the cheater to pull off. And the attention she may be giving another person takes away from the husband. 
One advice is, don't EVER ask if she's having an affair. Do your own investigation. Check emails or texts/phone calls. 

Again, I'm not saying she is but rule it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ambush, welcome aboard!

You need to stop doing things which don't work, and start doing things which do work. You can't change her but you can change yourself. She may or may not respond satisfactorily to you, but it is all you can do. Two book recommendations for you.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Doc Glover

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

What kind of family did she grow up in? Has she replicated it in your marriage now?

Do you have any ideas on why she is so overly protective of the kids? She is not within norms from what you describe.

Any history of abuse or trauma in her life that you know about?


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## Ambush (Oct 10, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> All marriages at some point get to where you are at. Thing is, it takes two to want to make it work. If one person is only trying then it ends up with that one person doing the work of two.
> 
> Having kids is a marriage killer. But most of us have them.
> 
> ...


Simple fact of the matter is that I'm not the type of person who does things for me. Blame it on a over zealous sense of self-sacrifice brought on by reading way too much fantasy in my younger years.

I actually enjoy and take my pleasure in seeing others happy and doing things for them. Not being able to do this seems like a failure on my part and makes rather despondent.


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## Ambush (Oct 10, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This just isn't always true...I never felt like this in my marriage, and we have 6... it's true a woman can loose site of her husband more than she should , no doubt, but what you are describing here is APATHY... she doesn't sound happy (for whatever reason)....this is what needs unearthed..
> 
> Are there underlying issues she has been burying.. being passive about?.. you mentioned her comment about the necklace costing too much..... is she worried about finances, are you not where you wanted to be financially at this stage in life... sounds like you both work & are very busy...
> 
> ...


She has no reason to be worried about finances, she also knows this. We are both professionals and live a very comfortable life, we actually spent this morning looking at a second new car for her this year.

Definitely passive about communicating her needs / wants and irritable if I don't know or can't figure it out. I can never get a straight answer though if even I ask bluntly.

She did suffer from a bout of depression after the birth of our first child, this was identified though and she went for counselling to work through this.


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## Ambush (Oct 10, 2014)

Rowan said:


> What sorts of things does your wife complain about? About you and/or your relationship, I mean.
> 
> Or has she pretty much stopped complaining about things?


She doesn't complain and generally its a topic she avoids. Should I raise the topic se tends to get upset and go silent.


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## Ambush (Oct 10, 2014)

Thor said:


> Ambush, welcome aboard!
> 
> You need to stop doing things which don't work, and start doing things which do work. You can't change her but you can change yourself. She may or may not respond satisfactorily to you, but it is all you can do. Two book recommendations for you.
> 
> ...


My wife comes from a very old school conservative family, father is the head of the house and everyone else tows the line. This has definitely not been replicated. I personally come from a very liberal family with very independent women and my wife is very similar to this.

My thinking is that she is so overly protective due to placing the children first in everything, the slightest bruise/bump/sniffle is cause for alarm. I don't share this view but support her in everything.

In addition to this my wife specialises in family law which brings her into contact with a lot of child abuse and generally unhappy families. After the kids her focus is always on her practice and at times I wonder if she hasn't become so disenchanted with relationships that she sees ours going down the same path as inevitable.

Personally she has never been abused, our ex sister-in-law was however and the person who did it is still around as such my wife is permanently concerned that her nephews could be exposed to abuse.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

I think you need to have a serious sit-down discussion with her where there are no distractions. Tell her how you are feeling. Ask if you guys can go through some marriage books together like the Love Languages one that was suggested. There is a workbook that couples can go through together on. There's a bunch of marriage books like that. If you search on amazon.com you will see suggestions for others.

My other advice is to make yourself healthy. Take joy in a hobby that doesn't involve your wife. Read, go hiking, learn and instrument, something so that you don't feel like EVERYTHING is bad. This has gotten me through a very tough time in my marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Family law? That is definitely a profession that will callus her.

You might read some threads:

Jerry123 (He has already posted here. His wife loves him again but in her way. I suspect that your wife and his may share some character traits.)

Bagdon
This is the top of the list

neuklas
Sex life was bad. Wife took him for granted.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hello Ambush, and welcome to TAM! I find your responses very more illuminating on your situation than I do your original post.

So Ima focus on those.



Ambush said:


> Simple fact of the matter is that I'm not the type of person who does things for me. Blame it on a over zealous sense of self-sacrifice brought on by reading way too much fantasy in my younger years.
> 
> I actually enjoy and take my pleasure in seeing others happy and doing things for them. Not being able to do this seems like a failure on my part and makes rather despondent.


See, here, this is GOLD! You attempt to dismiss one entire side of the problem with 2 off-the-cuff sentences. It's NOT a "simple fact" that you're not the type of person who does things for yourself. And its NOT caused by reading too much fantasy as a young man.

This is the frigging ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM, dude. 

Thor recommended No More Mr. Nice Guy. GO BUY THAT BOOK NOWNOWNOW and read it. Several times. 



Ambush said:


> She has no reason to be worried about finances, she also knows this. We are both professionals and live a very comfortable life, we actually spent this morning looking at a second new car for her this year.
> 
> Definitely passive about communicating her needs / wants and irritable if I don't know or can't figure it out. I can never get a straight answer though if even I ask bluntly.
> 
> She did suffer from a bout of depression after the birth of our first child, this was identified though and she went for counselling to work through this.





Ambush said:


> She doesn't complain and generally its a topic she avoids. Should I raise the topic she tends to get upset and go silent.





Ambush said:


> My wife comes from a very old school conservative family, father is the head of the house and everyone else tows the line. This has definitely not been replicated. I personally come from a very liberal family with very independent women and my wife is very similar to this.
> 
> My thinking is that she is so overly protective due to placing the children first in everything, the slightest bruise/bump/sniffle is cause for alarm. I don't share this view but support her in everything.
> 
> ...


And then you write a bunch of stuff about your wife. Nothing in your posts suggests that SHE "feels alone." You seem to want some magical piece of advice, like

"if you just dress in a green body stocking and stand on the kitchen table and look her in the eyes and say 'loneliness makes me sad," then your wife will suddenly and fully realize how alone you feel and change into a better woman immediately and permanently."

No such advice exists, and providing every detail you can think of about your wife will not change that.

You can't change your wife.

You mention that your wife is a lawyer who comes from a strong male authority figure type of traditional family that she has rejected. You say that you came from an opposite type of situation. And previously, you talk about your need to please.

All this rolled together screams "Mommy issues' to me, but I'm a highly trained government assassin, currently on deep undercover assignment posing as a cutting edge Interior Decorator, clawing my way up the corporate ladder of a major furniture manufacturing company in order to get close enough to my target to make it appear that he suffered an unfortunate accident that involves a tall stack of fluffy Ottomans falling on him and crushing him to death, so what do I know, anyway?

I suggest and recommend some therapy to dig into your need to please, discover and destroy its basis, and finding some hobbies that don't involve your wife, but may involve your children, such as youth sports.

Good luck, and if you find yourself in a warehouse full of furniture any time soon, stay away from tall stacks of fluffy Ottomans.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wellcome aboard, Ambush

Let me ask you a question. If this is your problem, why are all your responses about your wife? She doesn't seem to be having any problems? 

Here's a thought for you. If your partner doesn't have a problem with her relationship, nothing will change unless you change you behavior. 

Also, you've been given a few resources to address your dilemma, have you gotten anything out of them yet?

Best


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