# my husband's responsibility towards me?



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hello. I'm in a different sort of marriage currently, so I don't really know if people can advise me or not. I'm currently long distance from my husband, though we will be together in 6 months. I live in the US, and he lives in India as that's where he's from... and we are going through a visa process for him to come here. (I request you all to please do not bring up the visa issues, as I've elaborated on that elsewhere quite a bit and have no desire to discuss it right now.) My husband and I were married at the end of last year. Despite us being of the same ethnicity, there are a lot of cultural differences. In India, it's typical for adult sons (and their wives) to live with the son's parents. So my husband and his brother are living with their parents, although both of the sons are the breadwinners of the family. 

To get to the situation, I wonder if things are supposed to be any different now that my husband and I are married. I know he cares for me, but he seems to think more like a single person rather than a married person. I'm a full time medical student, and he is working in India. Yet nothing has changed since our marriage. He does not send me any money to me to help support my expenses. Nothing at all has changed from when we were engaged. I get all my money from my loans, and my parents are sweet and do send me money sometimes to help me reduce my loan burden. Although I do appreciate my parents' desire to help me, I find it sad that they feel a lot more desire to help me rather my own husband. 

There are practical considerations. First of all, my husband's currency is different that the US, and the money he makes there would not afford much at all in the US. Our purchasing power is way more. So if he sent me $100 a month, it would be a big chunk of his income, while $100 wouldn't buy much here. Secondly, his mom is ill so a lot of his money goes towards her expenses. The main other thing his family wants to purchase is a car, as they've never had a car (as you have to be upper middle class usually to have a car in India). So although he has little extra money left over, if he did, it would go towards pooling money to buy the car they want there. But it bothers me that he feels like any left over money should go to support the purchase of his family's car, rather than going towards supporting his wife.

It's not that I want to take money from a guy who is already poor. It's more of an issue that I simply want him to at least feel like he has some sort of responsibility to help his wife. It's more of the sentiment that I find lacking, as I know that practically he doesn't have much to really do anything for me. Even if he sent me a mere $100 a month, it would mean a lot to me, as I know it's a big sacrifice for him. 

It's just like some time ago he went to another city to obtain some documents that he mailed me, so that I could file jointly for taxes (as married people get a tax cut by filing jointly versus individually). He told me he was happy to do me 'this favor'. I just thought it odd for him to say that, as he goes to another city frequency to take his mom for medical care. He never says he is doing a favor for his mom, but he said that to me. Telling your wife you are doing her a favor so that she can get money that is useful to both of you as a family, just seems wrong. It sounds like I am more of a buddy rather than his wife.

I asked my husband some weeks ago if he ever feels that he has any responsibility towards me, to even want to send me money or try to help me since I am a full-time student. He was like "Why does a husband have to send his wife money? Why can't the wife feel responsibility to help her husband? You have a better quality of life there than I do. You have your own car. You are living like a king and so why should I send you money? Maybe a wife should send her husband money. If you are having financial troubles, then go sell your car." (But actually I can't sell the car, as it's leased by my parents but they gave it to me to borrow just to help me out.) I was a bit taken back by his response. I suppose he is theoretically correct, as this reminds me of those 'who pays?' debates we had when discussing dating. But it is a very sad response to get from a husband, as it isn't the response you expect from a man who truly loves his wife. You can't say you love someone if you feel no responsibility for that person's well-being. Sure, I have more than he does, but that is a result of having student loans and getting gifts from family. I can buy things here for sure, but if it comes at the cost of loans, I have to pay everything back with interest. (My husband's attitude has changed a bit since last year, as last year he was crazy about me and gung-ho to marry me. He used to do all kinds of sweet romantic things for me and pay for everything. But he has a single guy friend who is a big male rights advocate, I suppose, as his friend has been recently been going on about how wrong it is that men should have to pay for women in dating, etc etc. I have told my husband that it's cool for him to have this friend, but if my husband starting bringing in this attitude towards our marriage, it isn't going to help us at all. I told my husband that he needs to realize that his single friend is in a different place life and can do all the 'who pays in dating?' debates all he wants, but if a married man starts having this 'why should I have to pay' attitude towards his wife, it will only cause damage to the marriage.)

I didn't post this in the Financial Problems in Marriage section, because I really wasn't looking for a huge detailed plan of how to resolve the finances. Sure, some basic advice would help. I guess I am more disturbed by the sentiment than anything. We were thinking of having a baby soon, and the idea of having a baby in the near future with a guy who does not feel responsible for my financial security or well-being is a big issue to me. I don't know if his responsibility towards me will change once we actually start living together, but I do hope so....as this is really bothering me.


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

rks1 you are dealing with cultural differences and reality as well. I believe your husband feels he is doing his duty as a son, even a married one, living with his family by helping with the support of that family. A good idea and noble as well. 

His points about your living better than he is already are actually spot on. You points about his buddy are also good. But really check: Can he afford to help you out? No. So why keep dwelling on something that cannot happen?

He has no extra money to help you out. Once he comes here he will be in a much better position to help out. As you said money here is not the same as far as spending power as there. He will no longer be living in his parents home and expected to help out there. I would expect an adult child living with me to help out financially unless handicapped or something. 

BTW "now" is the time to be asking what his thoughts are regarding what he feels his responsibility will be towards you once he arrives. NOT later. Ditto on children and all the major issues that should have been discussed before you married.

Most of us behave on our best and strive to look our best when we first met and date someone new. I agree that would ideally continue but most fall into a comfort zone later on down the road were we feel we will accepted as the less than perfect person we are. Ideally this is before we marry. I remember having to explain to my husband that no my eye lashes were not actually this long and thick and no I did not wake up looking like this. lol


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I just wanted to add that my husband and I otherwise get along very well and have a very nice relationship. He is otherwise very caring and sweet to me. But his attitude, especially when it comes to finances, is really troubling me and causing me some doubts about the strength of our relationship.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

rks1 - Right now his current location and its culture has the greatest influence on him. The messages he hears from his family, the media, the culture around him tell him to put his immediate family first and so he does. He probably feels a lot of pressure from well-meaning people to provide for his parents. It would probably be a source of shame if he didn't do as much for them as he could. 

From what I recall, he hasn't really traveled abroad so his impressions of your location are formed by what he has read and seen, not necessarily first hand observations. People who live in poorer countries of the world often have this impression that everyone in the US is a millionaire. I know by their standards of living we seem like the richest of the richest, but some of them can't fathom there are problems here. I have some relatives who live overseas in a different country. When I've visited them, they've asked some really off the wall questions like did I know Michael Jackson or Madonna. They thought I traveled in the same social circles. Seriously, they did. I wanted to say "yes, I call them MJ and Mads and we're best buds," but out of politeness, I refrained from any smart-ass remarks. 

When your husband moves to where you live, I think the cultural tapes in his head will lessen. He'll also have some distance from friends who aren't supportive of husbands giving financial support to wives. The changes may not happen immediately, but living with you will strengthen the bond he has with you and in turn he'll take on some of the values you hold dear like financial support. You'll have to realize that he will still want to send some money back to his family. I don't see him giving up that practice any time soon. 

Another reason I think he's behaving this way (apart from the cultural issue) is that you two haven't lived together as spouses. Living apart does no favors for your marriage as I'm sure you realize. One of the marriage books I read recommended that spouses spend 15 hours a week of uninterrupted time together. Right now, you two aren't spending any time together really unless you're skyping or talking for long periods of time. Even so it's still the same as being in the same physical location. 

I know you're busy but when you have free time read His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters. They're good books (albeit somewhat patriarchal) for a newly married couple.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How long was your courtship? Were you together in the same city or was LD?

My assumption is that a couple would talk about money particulalry when there is a major expense like med school?

Do you two talk about money before getting married?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think that you're smart to be concerned about his attitude, but you might be channeling it in a wrong direction. You said his romantic behavior dropped and that he used to pay for things but doesn't now. I don't browse all the forums here. Did the two of you meet before you married? 

I think you should be asking him about his values. It doesn't matter if your differences are cultural - they are still differences. He told you he basically sees you as wealthy and expects YOU to support HIM. Don't close your eyes to that message! You're going to see what it *really* means when he moves here, gets a job, and sends his money back to India while wanting you to support the household.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your posts. I was super emotional last night.... it's been months since I've been emotional like this, and it was the most upset I've ever gotten with him (as many incidents of hurt just came out at once. Although I do admit to PMS as well). I'm typically calm and composed, but not last night. It was the anniversary of the day that my husband and I had first met face-to-face (after 9 months of online connection). So it was a special day to me, and initially I thought my husband had forgot as he hadn't called (though I had wished him the night before). So I called him up feeling super hurt not being able to speak straight... and what ensued was a 3 hour conversation between us hashing things out. Although I was a wreck (crying etc), my husband was very patient and decent and sweet with me.

He mentioned some of the same points that LastDance and CoffeeAmore brought up. From his side, he says that he cannot afford to provide for me at this time, because the rupee is currently 56 to one dollar. So there is just no way to send any useful money to me at this time. I told him it was more of the sentiment and personal responsibility towards me than the money, but I couldn't really get him to see that part. 

He told me that once he comes to the US, him getting a job is a very high priority. Although he previously told me he wouldn't send money to family, he did say yesterday that this wasn't realistic. He told me that his parents are in a totally different position than my parents are. (My parents are well-to-do, but his parents depend on him for support.) He said that they took care of him and financed his expenses for 26 years, and now he better care care of their expenses for the next 26 years or more! (He's 27 now, though has been working for the last 1.5 year or so as before that he was just a full-time student with his family supporting him.) He told me that he does plan to send money back to them after he gets a job here. However, he told me that he would only send a portion of HIS money, not any of the money I make. Nor would he send money to his parents until his money is first used to cover ours and our future child's basic living expenses. Although I find his position to be reasonable enough, we'll have to see how this realistically pans out. The only thing I find troubling is that he previously told me he wouldn't be sending money once he gets here, but now he's changing his position.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

To answer Nexttimearound's questions, we had a very short courtship. I know this was a mistake now, although overall things seemed to have turned out okay as my husband and I typically have a good relationship. We get along really well most of the time (>95% of the time) as my husband is usually extremely sweet and loving, though we do have issues with conflict as we don't really know how to constructively argue... and thus our arguments make me really upset. I only met him 1 year ago yesterday face-to-face for the first time, though as I mentioned we had been talking on the phone and internet for 9 months before our first physical meeting, since Fall of 2010. We got engaged with 2 months of meeting as we spent all of last summer together in India, and then had our wedding 3.5 months after the engagement. We've been married about 6 months now, though we are long distance with him in India (though he'll be moving in with me in January 2013 for good.) So yes, it was a whirlwind. In hindsight I would have done things much slower. I actually wanted to do things much slower, but my husband is from a more conservative small city in India where boyfriend-girlfriend isn't the norm as people get into arranged marriages. Thus his family wanted to know what our intentions were when they came to know that we were interested in one another, and they kept pushing us to formalize a commitment even though I wasn't yet ready for marriage at that time. But overall he is good to me, his family is very nice to me, and my parents get along with him as well. When we are not arguing, we do really enjoy each other. Some months ago, I had some worries that we weren't intellectually compatible, though those fears have largely subsided as he is getting more and more able to hold a proper discussion with me and I am increasingly finding his opinions more interesting as time goes on. We also had some initial intimacy issues when we first got married as we were both first-timers, though those have worked themselves out as well and are no longer issues as we know what each other likes more.

My husband woke me up early this morning to wish me a 'Happy Rendevous'.  I didn't know what the heck that was, but it was his way of mentioning our first meeting, early in the morning in India when we travelled together on the same day last year. Although he missed the morning occasion according to India time (which is why I was upset, besides being PMS-y), he wished me on the morning of US time. It wasn't the same thing, but it was still really sweet. And he sent me a bunch of kisses over the phone. Now I'm feeling mushy for my husband...


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

rks, I read few of your earlier posts as well. For this one, I absolutely agree with LastDance and CoffeeAmore. Marriage in itself calls for quite a bit of adjustment & compromises, and a marriage that involves different cultural and financial backgrounds is bound to have couple other challenges. I would advice you focus on the positive qualities that your H has. He seems to be a nice person, cares for his parents, cares for you.. which is all sweet and not so easy to find. Value him for what he is, and navigate around the differences gracefully with his assistance.

With regards to the financial issue, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't expect him to send over any money for the same reasons you and others mentioned already.
1. The currency conversion rate is insane
2. His current job which is probably not such that he can afford to send over money
3. Perception that you are capable enough to take care of yourself financially which is correct to some degree 
4. His financial obligations towards his family, mother's illness. 

Financial obligations is a loose term. By that I mean, he is currently staying with his parents and his stay includes rent, food, utilities. In addition, if he thinks that his parents took care of him up until now, and if he feels financially obliged to take care of them, since they are probably retired and not doing so well... I think it is a noble thing to think that way. I come from an Asian background as well, and I have bunch of Indian friends staying here in the US who send back some money back home on monthly basis which I think is a good thing to do. The thinking here is that "financial support is the only kind of support they can provide being long distant" and the conversion rate works favorably when sending money from US to India. I think this is bound to come up when he moves here. What kind of a job he gets, and how much he can afford to send back is going to be a key factor. However, I would advice you to try and understand his position when the time comes, and work up a middle ground number wise.

I think in general financial issues in marriage need to be handled carefully, and more so in your case, since you (wife) are the one at a superior position financially speaking. It would be good for your marriage if you try to understand, acknowledge and help him with the constraints he currently faces. I am sure you must have thought about all this before getting married. Help him meet his financial and cultural obligations especially upto the point he becomes self-sufficient and starts becoming the "provider". The more encouragement you provide, the sooner that point will be reached. One of the thing to help with this (and since his fly is good to you) is to develop the perception that his family is your family as well!

I think it gets a lot easier when we remove the "Yours" in marriage and replace it with "Ours"


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Awesome post, Eowyn. I agree with each and every one of your pointers... I couldn't have expressed it better.  You are very right and I get what you mean, and understand where my husband's head is at. 



eowyn said:


> One of the thing to help with this (and since his *fly* is good to you) is to develop the perception that his family is your family as well!


Though I admit that when I read this line, it threw me for a loop, as I assumed you meant something _totally_ different by the word 'fly'.... something a bit more, erm, below the belt.  I was initially like "Well, yes, I suppose that part of his anatomy has been good to me..." but then I realized you meant 'family'.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Glad you pointed that out.. I think I use that abbreviation once in a while which I now see is quite inappropriate 

Wish you goodluck and happy anniversary as well!


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