# I never thought i will be divorcing



## M183

Hi Guys,

somehow i found myself to officially announcing my divorce today...it feels strange...painful.
I met my husband 2012, we felt madly in love and got married 2014...my husband had some issues with alcohol and has been abusing it for +- 6 years. We got through it, but it hasn't been easy and it took a lot on us. Since he got sober he did it so well with his job and became successful and i am really proud of him, but somehow our relationship changed. I think we lost each other, that goofy girl i used to be disappeared...we stopped communicating and i closed myself. It was middle of this year when i said first i wanna divorce .... he came calm me down, then i said it few more times and same happened. And last time i said it he said ok...i guess my point is i had my issues from his past drinking and i never been dealing with that...i came back from my family apologized and wanted to work things out, went to therapy and been so dedicated to fix everything...myself ...marriage. But things never been the same...i hurted him badly and no matter what i tried...it didn't seems to work out. We took 3 weeks from each other and in the end he said he cannot see way forward and doesnt wants to go to couple therapy. I put my head up and acknowledged that its too late for me to try fix things...it does hurt because when he was drinking i fought next to him. So here i am and so sad i had to do this. I feel deep down that i failed him ... i tried explain every of this and also about my therapy to him in email...which hasn't been acknowledged so i ask lawyer to proceed with divorce. I feel utterly devastated it actually came to this and i know its all my fault. 
I guess my question is will this all pain get ever better and i just trying to understand if actually he will ever forgive me and why he hasn't tried with me as i did over years with him.


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## SunCMars

We see that he was an alcoholic and now he is in remission.
Yes, alcoholics can be hard to deal with.... before, during staying dry, and after.
You fought him to get off the booze, right?

How did you hurt him badly?
What did you do to him?



_Lilith-_


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## M183

I think the fact I have been in his sobriety asking for the divorce quite few times, I understand now why I did and it’s because of my anxiety issues which accumulated over years which I haven’t at that time worked on, now I am aware and trying to work on it. But I think it did hurt him bad. Because in marriage you never should use this as threat, but in my case it was crying for help. I am now on therapy and trying to work with my mind, but I think it’s too late for him, to acknowledge my will to try. It does hurt me because after all years of me being by his side with his alcohol abuse I think it’s fair from him to try to support me, but maybe as you saying he still got loads on his mind and still fighting his battle so maybe there is no room for me


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## Openminded

You kept saying you wanted a divorce and he finally agreed. Sounds like you were just using it as a threat and didn’t mean it but unfortunately he got used to the idea. Yes, you supported him but that doesn’t mean he is the type to reciprocate. People are different when it comes to what they will and won’t do. It will take time for you to come to terms with this but you eventually will. Take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time — that helped me get through it.


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## gr8ful1

If my wife repeatedly asked for a divorce, I would believer her, and I would be done as well, regardless of how much she helped me previously. It’s disrespectful to not honor a repeated demand for divorce and I’d want nothing to do with a wife who so clearly wanted to split.


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## Young at Heart

I am sorry. You need to grieve the loss of your marriage. You need to work through the stages to get to acceptance. Try to avoid either blaming yourself or your H. Enjoy the good memories. Seek therapy for yourself to deal with all the emotions you need. Exercise is a great way to boost your mood, as is support of friends and family.

Good luck.


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## LATERILUS79

That’s rough. I get what you are saying with the comparison to his alcoholism. You wanted support like you supported him.

at the same time, I can see his angle here. Hearing your spouse wants to divorce is some tough news - especially if it is repeatedly and if that person has to keep begging you to stay. Eventually, the spouse being asked for divorce is going to oblige and it could be for a number of reasons. Maybe your husband wanted to keep some self respect. Asking for divorce tells him you don’t want to be with him. Why would he want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with him?

again, I truly do understand how you feel like you’ve built up some points with his alcoholism - and I agree with you. That was awesome that you helped him through that.

my only advice forward would be to speak clearly. You said asking for a divorce was a cry for help for your anxiety issues. Next time I would lead with that so it’s known that you are looking for help.


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## Luckylucky

Did you file for divorce? It sounds like you kept asking for one, and then also saw a lawyer first? What was it about his success and sobriety that made you want a divorce, rather than getting a divorce when he was abusing alcohol?

Sorry to hear, you sound like you’re in so much pain, I hope things ease for you soon. One day at a time.


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## Trident

It's probably fair to say that the vast majority of people who get married don't think they'll be divorcing and when over half of them ultimately do get divorced they all think "I never thought I'd be divorcing".

It's as if they don't think the statistics apply to them for whatever reason and they just jump right into a lifelong commitment, sometimes with a person they hardly know, sometimes with a person who they know has serious issues, and expect a fairytale life together.


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## M183

Luckylucky said:


> Did you file for divorce? It sounds like you kept asking for one, and then also saw a lawyer first? What was it about his success and sobriety that made you want a divorce, rather than getting a divorce when he was abusing alcohol?
> 
> Sorry to hear, you sound like you’re in so much pain, I hope things ease for you soon. One day at a time.


That's good question why divorced haven't happened when he been drinking, well from my side i always believed he's very good guy deep down, hes carrying person, smart, funny and i been determined to go through that, it haven't been easy...nothing close to be easy...there have been soooo many bad moments....that's explain a lot regards my issues, i been like sponge soaking everything and not willing get help for myself...or better to say forgot about myself. All i wanted was to have normal life...when this moment came i guess it scared s**t out me because my normal i knew was this normal with alcohol and with all build ups over the years in my mind i freaked out...it was like we happy... how i can be happy ...that's weird to feel like this... i don't know this . Brain is complicated thing...there is so much subconsciousness which we cannot even explain and so many little things can trigger even without us to actually acknowledging.

People are right here ... I made the mistake to threaten with divorce ... i shouldn't ...i should been perhaps open as i am here to him or maybe i was but it wasn't enough .... only thing i can do is to own that mistake with all consequences.


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## MommyofKandA

Be gentle on yourself. Alcohol really puts a toll on a relationship and sometimes it makes things difficult to heal. Although it is wonderful that he became sober, that does not erase all your feelings while going through everything.


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