# Christmas is depressing now.



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

This is my first ever Christmas without my parents. My first ever Christmas without celebrating it with all my brothers and sister and mom and dad and everyone's kids. It doesn't even seem like it's Christmas. I'm lonely. I don't want to be married anymore. I wish I was by myself. I know I said I was lonely...but if I was by myself I would be able to enjoy myself and my own place more. My husband decided to go to sleep at 3:00....and keeps yelling at me and my son for waking him up if we make any noise. Yet he sleeps in the living room. He won't let our son have his computer in his room, he makes him keep it downstairs, so when he's gaming and talking to his friends he's always yelling at him to shut up. I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm so depressed. I got fed up with not being able to make any noise and took the dog for a really long walk. The exercise helps. But I still have to come back to this house. His brother is still bugging me about Christmas presents and I have no desire to help. His brother is as much of an ******* as he is.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So why not begin the new year with the promise to not have more depressing Christmases? 

If you don't have a job, get a job. If you need to establish credit, do so. If you really want to get out of this, get a free consultation with a competent family law attorney.

Believe me, I spent many a Christmas alone, while my husband was passed out drunk. Worse yet, if he was awake, it meant a drama of epic proportions. I hated Christmas, knowing the drunk would pull something outrageous.

Now? I live alone. It's just me and my cat today. But I have peace. I love my table top tree. I put three electric "candles" in my window.

I love Christmas. And I don't have to leave the house to get away from the insanity any longer.

Do yourself a favor. Start making concrete, constructive plans to get out.

Life is short. Seriously.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Why couldn't you see your family?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Trickster said:


> Why couldn't you see your family?


Mom and dad passed away this year and they were the touch-stones when it comes to Christmas. Half my siblings are fighting and nobody wants to do a family Christmas this year because we're all still raw from losing mom and dad. And if I went to my niece's or aunt's I felt like I'd be a third wheel and a reminder of mom and dad being gone and didn't want to depress anybody. Everyone did their own thing.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> So why not begin the new year with the promise to not have more depressing Christmases?
> 
> If you don't have a job, get a job. If you need to establish credit, do so. If you really want to get out of this, get a free consultation with a competent family law attorney.
> 
> ...


I know it is. Never knew that so much as this year showed me.

I'm working on it, but I wanted to wait til after the holidays.

Money isn't the problem, but the pain of divorce and splitting up the family would have been too much this year. Starting fresh in 2015 is a goal.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Sometimes, I would rather be alone than be in an unloving marriage...


Seems like that's where you are now...

How old is your son? I get a feeling he wouldn't be too upset if you divorced and took him with you.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Trickster said:


> Sometimes, I would rather be alone than be in an unloving marriage...
> 
> 
> Seems like that's where you are now...
> ...


That is where I'm at.

He's going to be 15 in a month.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This tells you something very important, you need to do what you need from here on out.

If you want people around for Christmas, New Years, etc. just invite people. Enjoy those who show up and those who don't... well don't worry about them.

If having your husband around is an issue, then find some place else to have a get together. Or rent him a hotel room that he can go to until the party is over.

I used to have an open house every year on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. starting at about mid day. I invited everyone and their brother. Not everyone showed up. But I enjoyed those who did.

Or, you could make a much of cookies or other goodies, then you and your son drop by the houses of all your relatives. Spend an hour or so at each, give them the goodies. Give hugs and kisses... When I have done this I don't eat dinner at anyone's home. Instead my son and I go to one of the hotel/restaurant holiday buffets. They tend to not be expensive and have just about every holiday dish you can think of.. yum.

I know it's a trite saying, but you are in responsible for your own happiness. You know what your husband is like. Make plans to not be around him any more than you have to. This way when you do split, you will have already established ways to fill your holidays with the people and joy you want.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Get a backbone and tell your jerk of a husband to get over it and go sleep in his room. Then celebrate Christmas with your son. Don't let him dictate the kind of holiday your poor kid gets to have. He is 15 and only has a few more years left in your home. Stop letting your husband run this ship and take some control.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Or, you could make a much of cookies or other goodies, then you and your son drop by the houses of all your relatives.


I like this idea a lot. Perhaps another year will put some distance and healing between me and my parent's deaths. And I can start fresh next Christmas. This holiday was the big one I've been waiting for since mom and dad passed away. I knew it would be a big empty spot. It's over now. I made it through.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you going to leave him?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

turnera said:


> Are you going to leave him?


Afraid so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are your plans, then? It's smart to plan this out, start new bank accounts, start saving money, etc.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your son is old enough to see this for what it is. I hope he doesn't pick up any of his father's rotten attitudes. 

Money isn't an object for you. Separation and divorce are never easy or pleasant. Most change in life comes with pain. But things DO get better. Believe me. 

My guess is that fear of the unknown is holding you back, to some degree. The holidays are over. Give yourself and your son a wonderful present for 2015 and get this man out of your lives.

Like turnera said, start focusing on a plan to get out and get on with your life.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

turnera said:


> What are your plans, then? It's smart to plan this out, start new bank accounts, start saving money, etc.


Trying to find a decent lawyer. I'll start there, cuz I haven't a clue where to start in regard to bank accounts and credit cards! My head swims just thinking of all the entanglements I need to untangle! Wow. But a lawyer is a good start I think. Just a consultation or two so I know where to begin.

I've started saving cash. In a shoebox. I have a bag packed with essentials in case I need to leave in a hurry. I've started changing passwords to accounts like Amazon and EBay we both use (that I started but he uses).


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> My guess is that fear of the unknown is holding you back, to some degree. The holidays are over. Give yourself and your son a wonderful present for 2015 and get this man out of your lives.
> 
> Like turnera said, start focusing on a plan to get out and get on with your life.


You are correct. It is very scary. I've been with him since 19 years old. I was really just a kid.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll level with you. You ARE capable of doing this. Money in a shoebox? F*** that. Get a bank account in your name only. Get a safe deposit box at the bank in which to place important papers/documents.

Divorce isn't rocket science. It's divorce. You either live in an equity or community property state. If you have a marriage of longevity, meaning more than 10 years, an equitable distribution of assets and debts held in both names will be divvied up.

Community property states do NOT mean a strict 50/50 split. It depends on what each partner earned during the course of the marriage.

Stop commingling funds. IOW, get your name off his credit cards, title to vehicle(s), and bank accounts.

He's going to know what's going on. So what? Is there any chance he could turn violent? If so, you need to be up front with an attorney about that possibility.

I walked with no job, the money I got out of the equity he removed from our house, and liquidation of my IRA's. I had cancer. I had nowhere to go, other than my cousin's house on the East Coast. He was a total jerk and tossed me out in the street three weeks before Christmas. Seems he expected me to stay two weeks, get a job, and move on. Like that was going to happen in 2009!

But I survived. Bravery is NOT lack of fear; it's doing something in the face of fear. 

I've lived in run-down motel rooms. I've lived with filthy, dirty, crazy people (so much for roommates ...). I even lived in an efficiency apartment (run down/tiny) over a horse barn built in 1849. It was cold, damp, smelly ... but I was without the loser in my life.

I am living proof you can do this, no matter how bad, daunting, or difficult it may be. If you have an income, you can leave. Get a good family law attorney ... he or she will handle all the details.

My final point is this: Get out if you want to get out. If you decide to stay, fine. But don't complain. Your life. Your choices.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a lady here who left her abusive husband after 30 years with only a bag of clothes. She's disabled, in a wheelchair, and has to have people come and care for her, bathe her, etc. But she still left.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Daydream, when your husband is sleeping on the sofa, pour hot water on his head. And when he starts screaming tell him to shut up and then serve him divorce papers.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> Daydream, when your husband is sleeping on the sofa, pour hot water on his head. And when he starts screaming tell him to shut up and then serve him divorce papers.


I would think ice-water would be better...don't you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We have a friend who's married to the Wicked Witch of the West. Hate.her.guts. One time my H was visiting and she told him he had to leave at 9pm. H and his friend were still sitting on the couch at 9:05 and she poured a pitcher of water on my H. "I TOLD you to leave at 9."


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

turnera said:


> We have a friend who's married to the Wicked Witch of the West. Hate.her.guts. One time my H was visiting and she told him he had to leave at 9pm. H and his friend were still sitting on the couch at 9:05 and she poured a pitcher of water on my H. "I TOLD you to leave at 9."


Whoa...that's messed up. And how wimpy is your friend to allow it?? :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, you have no idea.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Reign in those fantasies of pouring water, hot or cold, over anyone. It is a slippery slope that could progress into severe acts of domestic violence.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

chaos said:


> Reign in those fantasies of pouring water, hot or cold, over anyone. It is a slippery slope that could progress into severe acts of domestic violence.


LOL Don't worry. I haven't a violent or vindictive bone in my body. I don't want to hurt him. I just want to leave.

It was a joke.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DayDream, I'm sorry about all of this stress on you. Days will get better though. I'm dreading the first Christmas when either of mine have passed.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

chaos said:


> Reign in those fantasies of pouring water, hot or cold, over anyone. It is a slippery slope that could progress into severe acts of domestic violence.


Nah, it could be a great way to provoke make up sex....in some other cultures, water upon the head is considered fore play...


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