# Divorce because of a job?



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I am looking for advice like the rest of you. I've had a rough few days. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. I am 27. We have no children.

Three months ago I started a new job. It's a management training program with the same company I have been working with. It requires me to travel all week to various offices throughout the state (a different state then where we currently live). It's a year long program and after successful completion of the program, I will be able to apply to a management position anywhere in the US, but I'm hoping to get somewhere closer to our families in the state I'm training. I love my new job. I finally feel like I'm where I am supposed to be and I'm using all of my abilities. 

Before I took the job, I talked to my husband several times about what this would mean for us. We would most likely have to sell our house, move, and he would also have to find a new job. What's really difficult is that he really likes his current job and the people that he works with. It's his dream job. But with all of this said, he was fully supportive (at least I thought) of me taking this job. 

Now he tells me that he really has no desire to leave this town or his job. He's worried that if he does move with me to wherever I end up, he won't be able to find a job and will end up resenting me for making him move. He claims that the only way we'll be truly happy is if he stays here and I move on... without him. He's been unable to tell me this because he sees how happy I am with my new job. 

I realize my job is not easy and creates quite a bit of stress on both of us (I'm only home on weekends, I don't know where I'll be once training is complete). All along I wanted to go on this adventure with him. He's not even sure if he'll put his heart and soul into looking for a new job. 

Is it stupid to consider divorce because of a job? Are we drifting apart because we have different goals? Can we salvage this? Please help.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's more than just the job...it sounds like the marriage may be on shakey grounds for other reasons.

You need to decide if you want to stick it out for this marriage and really work on being a couple. Part of the couple thing is sacrifices on both ends. Figure out a compromise, if you wish to keep your marriage. It may be that you will need to stay in the same town. He also may want to stay in the town for other reasons than he's said. Maybe he doesn't want to be too close to family???


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

^^Thanks for the reply. 

I guess I should also say that I've been rather unhappy with his job. He works long hours and is rarely home. I just drove 4.5 hours to be home this weekend and he's currently still at work. To me it seems he would rather be at work than with me. 

We had always talked about moving closer to our families at some point, just maybe not this soon. I saw this job opening as a sign that we could make that move. Both of our parents have had some health issues over the past few years and it's been hard on me being so far away, roughly 200 miles. 

I also feel a bit cheated that he didn't tell me this sooner. Like when I asked him 20 times if taking this job was the right thing to do.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes. It seems that you guys are separating via jobs and the relationship. 

I would REALLY have a heart-heart with him. Find out the reasons for him NOT wanting to move. State that you want to connect with him and your jobs are overshadowing the marriage. You really have to carve out some time to nuture a relationship, if not it will start crumbling. I know after 24 years of marriage....it's not easy as I am not separated from my spouse. It's unbelievable to me...I thought this couldn't happen.

Make the time now!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

We talked more last night. I considered just going to bed and not talking to him but decided it was best to keep the lines of communication open. 

I told him once my training program ended, I would be open minded about where I would get placed (there's a possibility I could get to an area close to where we live now). I also told him I was willing to do anything to save our relationship. 

He said he was also willing to work on our relationship and he "would try" to be open minded about looking for other jobs. He said he could get a number for a marriage counselor. 

However, I still feel like there is a HUGE elephant in the room that isn't going to move. And that's the fact that deep down he doesn't want to follow me wherever this job takes me. That's something I'm not sure I or a counselor will be able to ever change. People who are in love want to be together no matter what, right?

So on one hand I feel like I should pack my stuff today and leave and on the other I feel like we need to seriously talk and work something out. I don't want to make any rash decisions. I also can't help thinking that this is his way out of a relationship he never liked.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Elephant in the room......do you feel that he may be cheating?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

No. I know he's not cheating. He's made that very clear. 

The elephant is that fact the he doesn't want to move to where ever I end up. And he won't let me move back here because he said it's not what I want and staying here won't make me happy.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

This situation is an example of 2 people who are not compatible, your lifes goals vary too widely.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm going to ignore that last post for the time being. I fully believe every marriage is worth salvaging. 

I would like to know how others have handled themselves in these difficult situations. I want to keep the lines of communication open, since we seem to be good at not talking. However, it seems whenever we do talk, the only safe subject to talk about is the weather or what we had for lunch. How do you start conversation without tears and hurt feelings? 

I'm trying to be optimistic. I've been trying to continue focusing my efforts on my training program. I told my parents what is going on and I feel good I have their support. I walk every evening. I place hope in the fact that we both talk to each other, say I love you, and are willing to get help. 

I guess I just need advice on how others are coping. And what is the next step?


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## Nobody123 (Jun 23, 2009)

mls31 said:


> ^^Thanks for the reply.
> 
> I guess I should also say that I've been rather unhappy with his job. He works long hours and is rarely home. I just drove 4.5 hours to be home this weekend and he's currently still at work. To me it seems he would rather be at work than with me.


It doesn't look like that your husband is very happy with your job either since you're home only during the weekend. To him it seems that you would rather be at work too than with him. You can't be expecting him to be putting his job aside waiting for you when you are not there most of the time.

If you are so career driven and are willing to put your marriage behind your job, may be you should take his advice to move on without him. It is just not fair to be asking someone to sacrifice their dream job while you're free to pursue yours. He probably should have told you earlier but you must have guessed if you asked him 20 times. Your husband is right that he'll end up resenting you and you guys will be very unhappy anyway. 

Marriage is hard work and does involve making sacrifices. It seems like you're dead set in pursuing your training program while he doesn't want to leave his present job. Instead of a divorce, the only other option is to put your marriage on hold while each of you pursue your own career in different places. After one year and then decide the course of action.


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## SallyS (Aug 28, 2009)

I know what you mean about the job being the problem. My H makes great money but works 20hrs a day which is not compatible with having two small children. We came to a point where we almost got separated. I guess you just have to think seriously about what your life would be like without your husband. Does it give you a sense of relief or would you miss him? My parents lived apart for four years while my mom was stationed in the navy. We were a plane ride away and he came to visit every couple of months. It worked for them. There were arguments of course and my dad always picked a fight right before he left because he found it easier to leave mad. But they are still married twenty years later. Maybe a situation like that would work for you if you still really love each other.


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## waterloo (Sep 2, 2009)

Careers. Simple but not that simple. One of you has to bend. Look beyond the next year, or even the next five years. Where are you going to be and what do you want to do?
Todays issues can become very irrelevant with a little perspective. For example... do you intend to have children? If so, it may be that one of you would put your "professional" carrer on hold for a "family" career.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Here's the thing, our issues seem to be two fold: one being our jobs the other our marriage. It's obvious there are issues with both. Big issues. 

Looking towards the future, I would like to have kids. I took this trainee program so that it would benefit both of us. This job allow me to advance in an area I enjoy, make more money, possibly relocate closer to family, and provides great benefits. I work for a very family oriented agency. Through the last few years I have been able to accumulate a lot of sick and vacation hours, which I would cash in on once we have children. I did not take this job to get out of my marriage. Yes, I realized the first few years will be difficult. 

I am totally frustrated at the moment. Two weeks ago, my husband dropped this "bomb" on me that he was thinking about a divorce. Then earlier this week he sent me a text message that said he didn't want to talk to me until we got counseling. How am I supposed to deal with that? Why is it always his way or no way? How old are we that we are text messaging our wives? I don't think I deserve this kind of behavior, do I????!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I guess I should also mention that I decided to not go home this weekend. I am staying with my parents. I told him this last night and I really don't think he cared. 

Here's the real kicker, his parents are coming to visit this weekend. When all of this went down I tried to as politely as possible tell him that I didn't think this weekend was the best time for visitors. He said that his parents had planned this trip for several weeks and have their heart set on coming. 

Call me crazy, but I just can't think of facing his parents right now and putting on a happy face. Especially when I've known all along that his parents have not been happy over the fact that I took this new job. They think I'm cheating my husband out of his dream job. I want to ask them, "what about me and my dreams?"

So here I sit at my parents (I have tomorrow off), desperately missing my own bed, our dog, my cat, and my garden. This isn't fair.


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