# Jealousy vs possessiveness



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Am I the only person who thinks that a certain amount of possessiveness is mandatory when you are 'in love' with someone?

I'm not talking stalk you to the grocery store and not let you go anywhere -

More like showing the girl that you want her, need her and desire her. Showing and acting to the world that this woman is YOURS and you will not share her willingly. 

My husband's best friend is all over his wife - tells her and shows her at least 10 times a day how much he wants her. In little things as well as big. he jokes with her about other men coming on to her, then hugs, kisses and nuzzles her affectionately and protectively. He takes her hand and leads her to the couch. He gives her quick but passionate kisses throughout the day. He seeks her out for affection and attention. He acts very much like a gentleman towards her. He says he is in love with her and tells her so.

My husband (we are on vacation with their family for another week at Disney world) on the other hand, says good morning to me and gives me a one armed hug. He never acts possessive of me. He says that any sort of possessive behavior is 'sick' because it is jealousy which is a sick emotion. However, when we were dating, he acted just like his best friend. He never makes any jokes about wanting me, needing me or desiring me. He gives me occasional hugs throughout the day. He will kiss me on the cheek when he leaves the house. He will ask me if I would like anything from the store and will ask politely for a soda or something from me. He does not flirt with me at all. He makes sure that we go to bed at separate times so he doesn't have to be awake in bed with me. Then out of the blue, he may lead me to a chair and put my hand in his lap. Then we had 'sex' later which meant me doing him orally. Afterwards he has no desire to do anything for me and rolls over and goes to sleep. The next day he's back to being distant and polite. 

 What does it mean to be a lover? 
It is more than just 
being married to or making love to someone. 
Millions of people are married, millions of 
people have sex - but few are real lovers. 
To be a real lover, you must commit to 
and participate in a perpetual dance of 
intimacy with your partner.










You are a lover when you appreciate the 
gift that your partner is, and celebrate that 
gift every day.

You are a lover when you remember that 
your partner does not belong to you - he or 
she is on loan from the universe.

You are a lover when you realize that 
nothing that happens between you will be 
insignificant, that everything you say in the
relationship has the potential to cause your 
beloved joy or sorrow, and everything you 
do will either strengthen your connection 
or weaken it.

You are a lover when you understand all this,
and thus wake up each morning filled with 
gratitude that you have another day in which to love
and enjoy your partner.

When you have a lover in your life, you are 
richly blessed. You have been given the gift of 
another person who has chosen to walk beside you. 
He or she will share your days and your nights, 
your bed and your burdens. Your lover will see
secret parts of you that no one else sees. 
He or she will touch places on your body that no
one else touches. Your lover will seek you out 
where you have been hiding, and create a haven 
for you within safe, loving arms.

Your lover offers you an abundance of miracles every 
day. He has the power to delight you with his smile, 
his voice, the scent of his neck, the way he moves. 
She has the power to banish your loneliness. 
He has the power to turn the ordinary into the sublime. 
She is your doorway to heaven here on earth.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jealousy and possessiveness are hard lines to walk. I’ve always felt showing a little jealousy is a good thing but a little goes a long way. It shows you care and while you don’t own your spouse you won’t share them in certain ways either. It says I want you to be with me, I care, I love you. But it can cut the other way also. It can say that you are insecure or not trusting in your spouse either. How it is read is dependent on the spouse and the dynamics of the relationship. Everyone’s situation in this is unique.

As to your post on your sex life, your husband is selfish and may be disconnected with you. You are pretty clear in your post that you are not getting what you desire from him. Not just in the sex department but in attention and connection. What have you done to try and fix this? Have you communicated this to him.

What does it mean to be a lover? Both sweet and insightrfull, did you write that?


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

no, i didn't write it. just found it and liked it 

I want a male to feel possessive of me. Maybe that makes me old fashioned or wrong or whatever. I want to be possessive of him too!

Not to the point of jealousy or craziness, just 'hey, that's MY girl' 'damn, baby, i'm so glad you are my woman' kind of thing.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'll tell you this, I certainly wouldn't give him any more oral sex, until he realizes you need to be loved and satisfied too. As for your wanting him to do all the things that your friends do. No, you're not asking for too much, and if he used to do those things, but has stopped, and since your sex life is very little, then I'd sit him down, and truly open up to him, and tell him how much he's hurting you. I would be more upset about him not seeing your sexual and emotional needs, than I would that he doesn't hang on you. How long have you been married? It's a fact of life that sometimes over time, the passion fades, but grows to a more comfortable love. And that's not necessarily a bad thing! But, if you are giving him oral sex, and then he's just rolling over, that's not mutual love, sex, or affection, and it needs to be addressed ,because it's very unfair to you. Try talking to him, suggest therapy? You deserve to feel desired and wanted, every man and woman in a relationship does. Hope this helps...


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well considering your other post about your step son or boyfriends son.

I think there is some major issues here.

You are jealous of your friends husband and the way he treats her. Your "man" has this "son" wedge with you and the credit card issue from the other thread.


I really think you need to sit down with your man and discuss his son and your future together as a family, things need to change for all of you.

I just can't see him being all lovey dovey if you and his son hate each other and there are other major issues at hand.

sounds you want your man all to yourself and you want him to worship you, and you want his son out of your life. But can't blame you with what he did, some major issues need to be solved before you have the lovey dovey life that your friends do.

Sorry


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

GA - A (the son) and I do not hate each other at all. in fact, he tells me things he would never tell his dad. I found out six months before dad did that he was smoking ciggs. 

I do strongly object to not being able to trust the people in my own home not to steal from me. But that is only partly the fault of A. I feel it's mostly the fault of dad and I for letting him get away with it. 

But i do NOT hate him. He's an ok kid, just a little screwed up right now. His mom and his grandmother and grandfather all spent their adult lives mostly drunk and on the streets. His dad is the first "stand up guy" in the family. 

I love all the kids - even the screwed up ones


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Marina - we are in therapy now. It seems to be helping a little bit. 

Strange times for us these days. H has a job, our business is struggling, my ex is suing me to try and get my house, and I have no money for legal bills. how fun


----------



## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Maybe possesive is the wrong word here. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have friends that are the same way, and instead of enjoying their company it makes me feel recentful that my h isn't like that towards me. I think to myself how is that lost? You said he was like that while dating, my husband was too. Sounds like your friends husband has a handle on keeping things alive and romantic. Alot of men are just that way naturally, and some have to work a lot harder at it. I don't think he loves you any less than your friends husband loves her. Counseling is good, maybe you can talk about this at one of your sessions. Maybe go to a couples retreat. I know I would love to do that. You have one up on me, my husband doesn't go to therapy.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

well we have only had one session. it was ok. he's always a little nicer right before or right after a marriage counseling session (we went to someone else for eight months) 

but with him, i'm just a thing. not special.


----------



## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I feel the same way today, just a thing......Me and hubby were talking about a certain city that I would love to live in a couple hours away from us now. He said go ahead and move there and I will stay here : ( jerk


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

lol... Tell him that you might just do that. And take the best parts of him with you... namely his heart, liver and eyes. heh. Jerk


----------



## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

LOL.....thats a good one :rofl:


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hey, when you have been rejected as much as we have we have to keep a sense of humor or we will go postal 

Hugs!


----------

