# Day 91: Acceptance vs. Hope



## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

I just finished reading DayOne's story and feel motivated.

My full story can be read in the Coping with Infidelity forum (I'm not sure why it was moved there, maybe my mention of my husband making out with another girl when we were in college - but that was not the demise of our marriage). I can't post a link yet because my post count is low, apparently.


But basically, we are both 30, have been together since we were 15, got married 3 years ago. 3 months ago he told me he didn't feel the same, felt like he was going through a crisis, mentioned maybe wanting to see what else was out there, confused, etc. I have moved out and in with my parents. I did everything "wrong" immediately following - I begged, I cried, I pleaded for answers, I got angry, I got clingy. 

After 12 weeks of therapy - on my own - I have admitted to myself my role in all of it. Namely, my insecurity and intense fear of being abandoned caused me to be clingy and possessive. When he stopped giving me attention I pushed further. Frankly, a few months ago I, too, started wondering if I had settled as I had never been with anyone else. What it comes down to is we never explored anyone but each other. Our marriage did not have abuse or cheating or drug/alcohol issues - we simply fell into a rut and didn't do the right things to get out of it. 

I eventually calmed down and he agreed to meet with me this past Friday at a bar. He told me he still felt the same way about the divorce and the only reason he had not done it yet was because it would be final around Christmas and that would not be nice - I think this is lame. Regardless, I accepted what he said and instead we had a great time out. We ate, we drank, we laughed, -- in a way we had not had that good of a time together in a long time. The next day I sent him a text saying if he really wanted a divorce there would be no reason to wait and we could just go ahead with it and to let me know when to sit and make our plan. He said ok but nothing else and has not made any other movement.

I'm prepared to accept this. I would be lying if I said I didn't hope of us reconciling - because I do have that hope. But, my motivator right now is to be a better me. Not for him or for us - just for me. I need to be able to look at and love myself. This journey will be hard, and I will need the support, so I will be updating here and any tips or advice along the way will be so helpful. I joined yoga this weekend and went to my first class today. It was very hard but I felt so good about doing something for myself.

So, on day 91....I'm beginning my own day one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Nice post. Sounds like you are doing good. Who knows maybe you will do better next time.


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## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

This morning was hard. I woke up feeling very anxious, and my heart hurt. I was very slow moving to get up and get ready for work, but I did it. By mid morning I was feeling a wave of motivation. It only lasted briefly but I enjoyed the feeling as it came. I spent some time laughing with coworkers at lunch - I had been avoiding eating with anyone for the past few weeks. I still felt an underlying sadness, but I at least was laughing. Tonight I came home and started a blog. I love to write and have done very little of it outside of classes - I am getting my PhD - and it felt nice to just write.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hopeful621 said:


> This morning was hard. I woke up feeling very anxious, and my heart hurt. I was very slow moving to get up and get ready for work, but I did it. By mid morning I was feeling a wave of motivation. It only lasted briefly but I enjoyed the feeling as it came. I spent some time laughing with coworkers at lunch - I had been avoiding eating with anyone for the past few weeks. I still felt an underlying sadness, but I at least was laughing. Tonight I came home and started a blog. I love to write and have done very little of it outside of classes - I am getting my PhD - and it felt nice to just write.


Keep going. One day at a time. It will get easier day by day. It's like Chemotherapy it's painful but you are healing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Here is your original post by the way. I looked it up because you said you couldn't?

I stand by my theory that he was cheating by the way. Again once a cheater always a cheater unless it's acknowledged and hard work is done.  

I know you are sad but from your description it sound like you will make a grateful man a good spouse.

Since you like reading uplifting stories I will refer you my post of a some months ago. Maybe one day you will be added to the list. This should give you a good week of reading.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/371010-thouse-who-move-through-action.html


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## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

Thank you. Sorry, what I meant was it wouldn't allow me to link back to it. I can't even quote right now, it says my post count must be higher in order to link or quote.

He may have been cheating. I have since looked through phone records extensively and found nothing alarming...but I'm not naive, I know there are other ways.

I look forward to reading your posts!

I went to my therapy session tonight. We spent time talking about how my relationship with my neglectful and absent father has pretty much impacted how I act towards men. I never wanted to blame my behaviors on my father, but I do see a connection between the ways in which I seek approval from men because I never had it from my father.

I should have gone for help years ago, but better late than never.


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