# wife and 3 daughters family within family



## socal04

hey everyone... just wanted an opinion... married 26 years 3 daughters 23 20 and 16

it seems for a long time now thats its them 4 and then me the outsider in a way. i discovered by wife and daughters have thier own cell phone chat group and that they talk about me in this text chat group sometimes.. also that one of my daughters had brazillian but lift surgery in august and they all know including my wife and NO ONE told me about it.

a lil background i was raised by dysfunctional parents who really never showed be affection . im not as bad as them but i do struggle with affection at times... over the years ive ben consumed with working and providing and my wife has stayed home with them for abut 16 to 17 years.. so they all really bonded. I feel excluded... lately as in the last 3 or 4 months ive really been trying to connect and be better with saying i love you but i dont feel like they are trying at all... i feel left out and exasperated. any advice ? my wife not telling me about the surgery my daughter had broke my heart. 

again any thoughts? ... 

signed,

lonely ... disheartened


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## Andy1001

As long as you don’t feel that they’re critical of you or belittling you I wouldn’t worry too much. 
Also it’s perfectly understandable that a woman doesn’t tell her Dad that she’s had cosmetic surgery. 
And do you really want to be included in “girl talk”.


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## Diana7

Andy1001 said:


> As long as you don’t feel that they’re critical of you or belittling you I wouldn’t worry too much.
> Also it’s perfectly understandable that a woman doesn’t tell her Dad that she’s had cosmetic surgery.
> And do you really want to be included in “girl talk”.


My husband is my children's step dad and he would definitely be told if they were having an operation. 
They tell him as much as they do me.

Op have you spoken to your wife and daughters about this and how you feel?


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> My husband is my children's step dad and he would definitely be told if they were having an operation.
> They tell him as much as they do me.
> 
> Op have you spoken to your wife and daughters about this and how you feel?


I would agree with you if it was a surgical procedure for health reasons but she was just having her ass adjusted. Not something that needs to be discussed with Dad.


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## Diana7

Andy1001 said:


> I would agree with you if it was a surgical procedure for health reasons but she was just having her ass adjusted. Not something that needs to be discussed with Dad.


It's still an operation, albeit a pointless one.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

socal04 said:


> hey everyone... just wanted an opinion... married 26 years 3 daughters 23 20 and 16
> 
> it seems for a long time now thats its them 4 and then me the outsider in a way. i discovered by wife and daughters have thier own cell phone chat group and that they talk about me in this text chat group sometimes.. also that one of my daughters had brazillian but lift surgery in august and they all know including my wife and NO ONE told me about it.
> 
> a lil background i was raised by dysfunctional parents who really never showed be affection . im not as bad as them but i do struggle with affection at times... over the years ive ben consumed with working and providing and my wife has stayed home with them for abut 16 to 17 years.. so they all really bonded. I feel excluded... lately as in the last 3 or 4 months ive really been trying to connect and be better with saying i love you but i dont feel like they are trying at all... i feel left out and exasperated. any advice ? my wife not telling me about the surgery my daughter had broke my heart.
> 
> again any thoughts? ...
> 
> signed,
> 
> lonely ... disheartened


Dude, you are the blue pill poster child. Rarely do I mention this but go read some at therationalmale.com. 

You need to have some serious you recreation time.


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## socal04

Diana7 said:


> My husband is my children's step dad and he would definitely be told if they were having an operation.
> They tell him as much as they do me.
> 
> Op have you spoken to your wife and daughters about this and how you feel?


havent spoken to her yet... probably this weekend.. its a BIG deal to me cause its surgery and i was left out.. not everyone that has that surgery survives by the way nost do but there is risk..


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## socal04

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Dude, you are the blue pill poster child. Rarely do I mention this but go read some at therationalmale.com.
> 
> You need to have some serious you recreation time.


blue pill poster child?? please explain??


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## Diana7

socal04 said:


> havent spoken to her yet... probably this weekend.. its a BIG deal to me cause its surgery and i was left out.. not everyone that has that surgery survives by the way nost do but there is risk..


There is always a risk with surgery. That's why I would never have cosmetic surgery.


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## socal04

Diana7 said:


> It's still an operation, albeit a pointless one.


 when asked wife about it initially when i thought she looked diifferent she lied and said yea she looks like she put on some weight  knowing good and well she went under the knife

yes im hurt and pissed off .. there is more too


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Have you taken a read at therationalmale.com, or googled red pill, blue pill relationships and inter sexual communications? That's your best info. Rollo Tomassi is an author. Read some and get back with us, you can get through all this. Hang in there.


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## socal04

Andy1001 said:


> As long as you don’t feel that they’re critical of you or belittling you I wouldn’t worry too much.
> Also it’s perfectly understandable that a woman doesn’t tell her Dad that she’s had cosmetic surgery.
> And do you really want to be included in “girl talk”.


they are being critical of me and belittling. and they dont tell me these things to my face. i dont really trust them now cause its like im the bad guy and my wife is the hero. any men ever experience this ?


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## socal04

i have been trying to be a more emotionally connected dad and reach out to them but in thie private chat they say thngs like thier uncle has a better relationship with his daughter than we do and its up to me to fix it.. ( even tho i have been TRYING) they talk about how mean i am and all the things they hate... its hurtful. and no im not mean... i give them dam near whatever they want. its just i was raised with no emotion and im trying to give them more of that but its a journey in a sense. AND i would never be in a text chat like they are talking about someone in my own house.


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## Andy1001

socal04 said:


> they are being critical of me and belittling. and they dont tell me these things to my face. i dont really trust them now cause its like im the bad guy and my wife is the hero. any men ever experience this ?





socal04 said:


> i have been trying to be a more emotionally connected dad and reach out to them but in thie private chat they say thngs like thier uncle has a better relationship with his daughter than we do and its up to me to fix it.. ( even tho i have been TRYING) they talk about how mean i am and all the things they hate... its hurtful. and no im not mean... i give them dam near whatever they want. its just i was raised with no emotion and im trying to give them more of that but its a journey in a sense. AND i would never be in a text chat like they are talking about someone in my own house.


Stop giving so much. Especially financially. 
Spend some of your hard earned money on yourself for a change.
If they don’t appreciate what your doing for them then stop doing it.


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## MJJEAN

Andy1001 said:


> I would agree with you if it was a surgical procedure for health reasons but she was just having her ass adjusted. Not something that needs to be discussed with Dad.


Yes, but people can and do become injured, disabled, or dead from plastic surgery. Surgery, for whatever reason, is still serious business. Stuff happens. No one ever thinks it will happen to them, but someone has to be the one and that seems up to fate. Generally, people tell our closest loved ones when we're having a surgery. As much as we may not like to acknowledge it, part of the reason for that is to say "I love you" just in case. Imagine if OP's daughter had complications and he was told about her surgery at the same time he was told she'd be permanently damaged or had died and he hadn't gotten to say "Hey, good luck with the surgery and I love you."

The other kids I understand. The mother keeping this from her husband and co-parent knowing something could happen to their shared child is inexcusable.


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## socal04

MJJEAN said:


> Yes, but people can and do become injured, disabled, or dead from plastic surgery. Surgery, for whatever reason, is still serious business. Stuff happens. No one ever thinks it will happen to them, but someone has to be the one and that seems up to fate. Generally, people tell our closest loved ones when we're having a surgery. As much as we may not like to acknowledge it, part of the reason for that is to say "I love you" just in case. Imagine if OP's daughter had complications and he was told about her surgery at the same time he was told she'd be permanently damaged or had died and he hadn't gotten to say "Hey, good luck with the surgery and I love you."
> 
> The other kids I understand. The mother keeping this from her husband and co-parent knowing something could happen to their shared child is inexcusable.


yea it hurt


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

socal04 said:


> i have been trying to be a more emotionally connected dad and reach out to them but in thie private chat they say thngs like thier uncle has a better relationship with his daughter than we do and its up to me to fix it.. ( even tho i have been TRYING) they talk about how mean i am and all the things they hate... its hurtful. and no im not mean... i give them dam near whatever they want. its just i was raised with no emotion and im trying to give them more of that but its a journey in a sense. AND i would never be in a text chat like they are talking about someone in my own house.


You wouldn't, but they are. What's that telling you?
You're acting exactly how they want you to act. You are their money source but your happiness is not their priority. And your happiness is not their responsibility. It's yours.

How you're being treated is exactly how you let them treat you.


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## socal04

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You wouldn't, but they are. What's that telling you?
> You're acting exactly how they want you to act. You are their money source but your happiness is not their priority. And your happiness is not their responsibility. It's yours.
> 
> How you're being treated is exactly how you let them treat you.


good point! thanks


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## Tdbo

You need to learn one statement quickly: People can only disrespect you with your permission.
You need to cut off the ungrateful. You do not need to fully finance their abuse of you.
You need to start respecting and taking care of yourself. Join a gym, get a new wardrobe, get a new hairstyle. Hell, if you can swing it, go out and buy the dream car you always wanted.
Study up on, fully and comprehensively implement the fundamental, applicable principles of the 180 on your entire family.
Cultivate friends and make time for them. Live your own life.
Read and live this book:








Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy : Robert Glover : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


Self Help



archive.org




Take them off Offense, and put them on defense.
God helps those who help themselves. Control your destiny. Either they get with your program, or your program will get with them.


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## socal04

Tdbo said:


> You need to learn one statement quickly: People can only disrespect you with your permission.
> You need to cut off the ungrateful. You do not need to fully finance their abuse of you.
> You need to start respecting and taking care of yourself. Join a gym, get a new wardrobe, get a new hairstyle. Hell, if you can swing it, go out and buy the dream car you always wanted.
> Study up on, fully and comprehensively implement the fundamental, applicable principals of the 180 on your entire family.
> Cultivate friends and make time for them. Live your own life.
> Read and live this book:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy : Robert Glover : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
> 
> 
> Self Help
> 
> 
> 
> archive.org
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Take them off Offense, and put them on defense.
> God helps those who help themselves. Control your destiny. Either they get with your program, or your program will get with them.


wow..noted.. thanks


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## Tdbo

socal04 said:


> havent spoken to her yet... probably this weekend.. its a BIG deal to me cause its surgery and i was left out.. not everyone that has that surgery survives by the way nost do but there is risk..


I wouldn't waste the time yet.
It would be pointless. They all need some attitude adjustment first.
Do the 180.
Make them come to you.
Put yourself in the power position, instead of presenting as the weakling they think you are.
You are the HOH. Demand and receive the respect you are due.


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## Al_Bundy

socal04 said:


> blue pill poster child?? please explain??


Brace yourself.

You are a human ATM. Your youngest is 16 yet your wife has been a SAHM for the last 17yrs???? WTF does she do all day? Is she one of those moms who get together and kill a box of wine while complaining about how hard they have it?


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## Openminded

That’s frivolous surgery — who paid for it?


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## socal04

Openminded said:


> That’s frivolous surgery — who paid for it?


i assume my daughter.. no idea really as no one told me about it


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## socal04

Al_Bundy said:


> Brace yourself.
> 
> You are a human ATM. Your youngest is 16 yet your wife has been a SAHM for the last 17yrs???? WTF does she do all day? Is she one of those moms who get together and kill a box of wine while complaining about how hard they have it?


she works now for the last 5 years but before then stay at home mom. so they all really bonded i guess.


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## Diana7

How they are treating you is very disrespectful and your wife is encouraging their behaviour. 
I do think you need to go out with your wife and explain what you have here. Tell her how hurt you feel and how disrespected you feel.


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## socal04

Diana7 said:


> How they are treating you is very disrespectful and your wife is encouraging their behaviour.
> I do think you need to go out with your wife and explain what you have here. Tell her how hurt you feel and how disrespected you feel.


i willt oday... wish me luck... thanks for your reply ..... * sigh * not sure how this will go... im pretty sad and angry.. guess ill take a deep breath and just do it


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## jlg07

socal04 said:


> i have been trying to be a more emotionally connected dad and reach out to them but in thie private chat they say thngs like thier uncle has a better relationship with his daughter than we do and its up to me to fix it.. ( even tho i have been TRYING) they talk about how mean i am and all the things they hate... its hurtful. and no im not mean... i give them dam near whatever they want. its just i was raised with no emotion and im trying to give them more of that but its a journey in a sense. AND i would never be in a text chat like they are talking about someone in my own house.


So if they are belittling you in the chat, and you have seen these chats (I hope you took screen shots), I'd sit the ALL down.
Tell them all "If I am such a bad guy, then I guess you don't need me or my support anymore, so the $$ is now cut off just like you have cut ME out of your lives" Let them go out and get their own jobs, their own money, pay for their own butt lifts (This INCLUDES your stay at home wife). Tell them they have a month to move out since they have so little use for you. DO NOT bluff. Go and start living your OWN life (and let your wife know how sh*tty she is as a wife with joining in with them and NOT supporting YOU as her H).
What they are doing is flat-out BS. It is completely disrespectful.


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## socal04

jlg07 said:


> So if they are belittling you in the chat, and you have seen these chats (I hope you took screen shots), I'd sit the ALL down.
> Tell them all "If I am such a bad guy, then I guess you don't need me or my support anymore, so the $$ is now cut off just like you have cut ME out of your lives" Let them go out and get their own jobs, their own money, pay for their own butt lifts (This INCLUDES your stay at home wife). Tell them they have a month to move out since they have so little use for you. DO NOT bluff. Go and start living your OWN life (and let your wife know how sh*tty she is as a wife with joining in with them and NOT supporting YOU as her H).
> What they are doing is flat-out BS. It is completely disrespectful.


wow.. thannks for reply.. i just might actually... cause this situation is ridiculous


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## Al_Bundy

socal04 said:


> she works now for the last 5 years but before then stay at home mom. so they all really bonded i guess.


Bonding is great, but why against you? Why not along of the lines of dad works his arse off for us, lets give him some props. Their mother is the one who determined that direction. You gave her safety and security, she gave you resentment.


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## socal04

Al_Bundy said:


> Bonding is great, but why against you? Why not along of the lines of dad works his arse off for us, lets give him some props. Their mother is the one who determined that direction. You gave her safety and security, she gave you resentment.


yea i have alot to process and think about ... marriage can be a trip....


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## EleGirl

socal04 said:


> when asked wife about it initially when i thought she looked diifferent she lied and said yea she looks like she put on some weight  knowing good and well she went under the knife
> 
> yes im hurt and pissed off .. there is more too


Have you told your wife and daughter that you are hurt and pissed?


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## EleGirl

@socal04,

What have you done to build your own relationship with your children? Do you do father/daughter things? Or do you leave all that up to your wife?


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## Tdbo

Diana7 said:


> How they are treating you is very disrespectful and your wife is encouraging their behaviour.
> I do think you need to go out with your wife and explain what you have here. Tell her how hurt you feel and how disrespected you feel.


I'd normally be in full agreement with this; however, in an earlier response, he stated that he tried to talk with his wife and she lied to him.
Therefore, he needs to leverage his position in the household to change the dynamic.
He needs to make the "Muffykin" units 1-4 feel the ice-cold breeze for their disrespect and abuse.
He needs to cut them off. They need to experience the pain that they have so generously doled out to him.
They all need an "Attention Getter."
He needs to make them COME TO HIM. That's the only possible chance he has to be treated seriously.
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
If he wants to change it, first he has to break it.
I could say much more about this, but will do so later when I have time to expound more on this.


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## socal04

EleGirl said:


> @socal04,
> 
> What have you done to build your own relationship with your children? Do you do father/daughter things? Or do you leave all that up to your wife?


throughoutthe years ive done what i could at the time depending on mystate of conciousness... IE backyard tent campouts birthday parties. gifts , tea parties with them.. i was raised like a soldier and NEVER got told i love except my mom told me once. i try to do better i write it in cards on birthdays and christmas and i have certainly told them more than once as was done to me. i have apologized whenever they bring something up also. daddy/daugher dances.. etc... not perfrct but im trying... cause i love them but are THEY trying i wonder? my middle daughter is in dc at college and this year she hasnt texted me one time .. if i dont reach out i dont hear from her. grant it their mom is MUCH closer ... doubt ill ever get there.


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## socal04

EleGirl said:


> Have you told your wife and daughter that you are hurt and pissed?


i told my wife on saturday i saw her phone and also why i looked at her phone and that was angryy and hurt..
she was mostly quiet... she apologized.... but also said cause of how i react to things and my stress level she didnt want to tell me but sishes she could tell me and would do it again.... i was shocked and ended convo there.

well after i told her i dont give a dam what the reason is you dont not tell spouse daughter will be getting anasthesia and surgery.

yes im a daddy and yes i worry / stress about kids... and yes i would have tried to talk her out of it.... and yes overall corporate america life is ROUGH and stressful... i make over 150k and it comes at a price... it aint easy. i havent tapped out cause i wear the responsibility of taking are of my family ... no one else is going to do it.


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## Tdbo

socal04 said:


> i told my wife on saturday i saw her phone and also why i looked at her phone and that was angryy and hurt..
> she was mostly quiet... she apologized.... but also said cause of how i react to things and my stress level she didnt want to tell me but sishes she could tell me and would do it again.... i was shocked and ended convo there.
> 
> well after i told her i dont give a dam what the reason is you dont not tell spouse daughter will be getting anasthesia and surgery.
> 
> yes im a daddy and yes i worry / stress about kids... and yes i would have tried to talk her out of it.... and yes overall corporate america life is ROUGH and stressful... i make over 150k and it comes at a price... it aint easy. i havent tapped out cause i wear the responsibility of taking are of my family ... no one else is going to do it.


WOW! So your wife just basically told you that your daughter having a medical procedure is basically none of your business.
Then she gives you a token apology and said that if she had to do it all over again, she would disrespect you some more?
I'd say that if their life activities are none of your business, then your activities are none of theirs,
It's time to go full 180 on the family,and focus on yourself.
Support goes to the minimum, and you just go and look out for #1, YOURSELF.
They need to eat your dust. I'd have a new wardrobe, hairstyle, gym membership, complete with a new mid-life crisis car in the driveway PDQ. Give the hens something to cluck about.
Find things to do with friends and make yourself semi scarce for awhile. Break them. Make them seek you out.
Either you are a family or you aren't. Tell them that if they aren't, you are going to go live your life and spend their inheritance.
Simply an outrageous and unacceptable response from your wife. Time for action. Words aren't going to solve this.


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## socal04

Tdbo said:


> WOW! So your wife just basically told you that your daughter having a medical procedure is basically none of your business.
> Then she gives you a token apology and said that if she had to do it all over again, she would disrespect you some more?
> I'd say that if their life activities are none of your business, then your activities are none of theirs,
> It's time to go full 180 on the family,and focus on yourself.
> Support goes to the minimum, and you just go and look out for #1, YOURSELF.
> They need to eat your dust. I'd have a new wardrobe, hairstyle, gym membership, complete with a new mid-life crisis car in the driveway PDQ. Give the hens something to cluck about.
> Find things to do with friends and make yourself semi scarce for awhile. Break them. Make them seek you out.
> Either you are a family or you aren't. Tell them that if they aren't, you are going to go live your life and spend their inheritance.
> Simply an outrageous and unacceptable response from your wife. Time for action. Words aren't going to solve this.


it was pretty shocking... no words...


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## Blondilocks

socal04 said:


> yes im a daddy and yes i worry / stress about kids... *and yes i would have tried to talk her out of it....
> *




Was it the 23 year old who had the BBL? If it was, she may have asked her mom to not tell you for the above reason. She's an adult and her decisions regarding her life are hers to make. However; if she did ask your wife to not tell you and your wife agreed then that was wrong of both of them. 

Perhaps, you can change the way you interact with your daughters. Express your love and concern without pulling the "I'm the parent" card. If they sense you respect them, they will start to come to you for advice. 

Do tell your daughter that you're hurt that she felt she couldn't talk to you about this.


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## socal04

Blondilocks said:


> Was it the 23 year old who had the BBL? If it was, she may have asked her mom to not tell you for the above reason. She's an adult and her decisions regarding her life are hers to make. However; if she did ask your wife to not tell you and your wife agreed then that was wrong of both of them.
> 
> Perhaps, you can change the way you interact with your daughters. Express your love and concern without pulling the "I'm the parent" card. If they sense you respect them, they will start to come to you for advice.
> 
> Do tell your daughter that you're hurt that she felt she couldn't talk to you about this.


the middle daughter the 20 year old ... i think she told her mom to not tell anyone... im not sure

i try to find ways to express love but hard for a man raised like a soldier... i try tho..


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## jlg07

If she's 20 ask your wife WHO paid for the surgery? If it was YOUR $$$ that funded it, then YOU certainly had a say in it.
You need to turn off the $$$ spigot NOW and tell your wife and daughter WHY.


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## socal04

jlg07 said:


> If she's 20 ask your wife WHO paid for the surgery? If it was YOUR $$$ that funded it, then YOU certainly had a say in it.
> You need to turn off the $$$ spigot NOW and tell your wife and daughter WHY.


she paid for it... my daughter i mean


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## Diana7

socal04 said:


> she paid for it... my daughter i mean


Where did she get so much money?


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## socal04

Diana7 said:


> Where did she get so much money?


she has been working two remote jobs for the last 2 years


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## SpinyNorman

You can't make people be your friends, and they don't want to, so find some people who do. Infidelity is out, but if you can find a bunch of male friends who consume all of your social life, no one who objects has a leg to stand on.


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