# Husband is no longer interested in sex.... :(



## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

I'm new to this kind of thing..... I never thought I would actually put my feelings down, actually say them out loud to anybody. However, I'm at a loss for what to do and I need some guidance from people who hopefully have been through, and made it through situations similar to mine. This is going to be long, I'm sorry. However, I want to share as much info as I can to try and get some help in saving my marriage... if it's not beyond saving at this point.

I'm 28 years old, and have been married for 4 years to my husband who is 23. I actually met my husband through online roleplaying chat on Yahoo!, and we started out as just friends. Eventually we met and fell in love, and everything started out great in the beginning (Doesn't it always??). The marriage was happy, we became best friends, and the time we spent in the bedroom was amazing. I'm a very sexual person, so my husband and I were intimate at least 2-3 times a week and I'd perform oral usually every other day. My husband was flirty during the day, teasing me, and loved that I was willing to try anything. He was a virgin when we met, though I was not. 

A few months after we got married, I started to notice a change. He started to say "No" whenever I asked about having some fun, or would ignore my advances and innuendo that involved sex. I was still regularly performing oral at least 2-3x a week, and would always say yes whenever he was in the mood. Over time it got to where any time I asked for sex I was told no (I almost always had to instigate the sex from the beginning, unless my husband was away from me for a long period of time.), and the asking turned into begging.... I hated myself for begging like a *****. I felt dirty, I felt ugly, I felt unloved and unwanted. 

It eventually got to where I stopped asking, and I stopped performing oral on him unless he asked. Now he doesn't even ask...  I asked him why he didn't want to have sex, and he just said he wasn't in the mood or wasn't very sexual. I asked if it was because of the way I looked, he said no. If it's because the sex was bad, and he said that wasn't it either. He tells me he loves me, that he likes me, that he's being honest with me and that he can't live without me. 

But I started to question his honesty with me when he started texting with a girl that he met on Xbox. He is an avid gamer, and gaming has taken over his life (to where I feel part of our sexual issues are from the fact that he is ALWAYS playing games all day... Even on his phone at work.). He started talking to this girl privately on Xbox and apparently gave her his cell number. We work together, and one day I was in the office when his phone got a text message from the girl. It said "Too bad you're not here to join me in the shower.", and immediately I grabbed the phone and confronted my husband with the text. He claimed the girl was joking, that they were just friends and had never talked like that before. I believed him, calmed down, and started to try and talk to him and joke around a little. He said he had to go back to work, and with him being absolutely unmotivated at work I knew that something was fishy. 

That night he had left his phone in the car and asked me to grab it. Of course I looked at the texts that were left between him in the girl. He had messaged her, right after our confrontation, "Thank goodness she believes me. Good thing I've got a golden tongue." The messages continued talking about their Xbox game and ended shortly afterward. I had never told him that I read what he wrote after the initial argument. I didn't know what to say really...  

After this whole thing happened I took a moment to talk to my husband a few weeks later. But when I talked to him a few weeks later I asked if he thought Sexting and Phone Sex would be considered cheating. He said "no". I explained to him that I saw it as cheating because the entire beginning of our relationship was online, and how would he feel if I were sexting or having phone sex with another man even today. He said that he hadn't thought of it that way, and that he wouldn't want me to be doing the same with a guy. A week after this conversation he came and told me that the girl he had been texting with admitted that she was in love with him, so he told her he couldn't talk anymore.... But I didn't believe him. I figured he broke it off because he realized what he was doing was wrong... and I can almost guarantee that he was doing something.

I would consider myself a pretty cool wife.... I cook, clean, do the laundry, and take care of the animals on the farm. I don't ask much from my husband along the lines of work around the house, and don't bother him while he plays his video games after work. I try to encourage my husband to spend time away from me, to make friends, and he always tells me he would rather be with me than with other people. I play video games with my husband on occasion and do just about everything for him at the house (getting him water, bringing him his food every night, making breakfast and lunch). We share a lot of the same interests and spend a lot of time laughing with one another. 

But right now I feel more like a mother/roommate more so than a wife. We have sex only once a month, but I know my husband masturbates regularly. You can only walk in on a man staring at the Google screen so many times before you figure it out. My husband and I are both currently losing weight, though he has dropped faster than myself (Such is the luck of men.), but I'm in better shape than I was when we first started dating! Still no sex, still no touching, still no intimacy. I don't get deep kissed anymore, maybe 3 times a year at best. If my husband flirts with me, as soon as we get home from work and he starts playing games he loses interest. And if I try to start it up before he starts playing, I get turned down. 

I don't know what to do anymore.... Has anybody had anything like this happen? Can anybody offer any advice? I'm at the point where I can only handle taking care of myself for so long. I miss the intimacy, feeling sexy, feeling desired. I'm crying myself to sleep more nights than not, and cannot get over the feeling of being absolutely lost and unappreciated/unwanted. I've become a mother or a roomie, and now even people are talking about how our relationship seems more like me taking care of him than a regular marriage. 

Please help.... I'm so sad... and I'm young! I should be having the time of my life right now with my husband! We have no children, neither of us want any, and am a very sexual girl. Most husbands have to beg their wives for sex, and yet I cannot get my husband to even consider the idea.  I'm so lost, and I feel alone.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

There's a ton of stuff to address here, but he needs to come COMPLETELY clean with you about the affair. That's the first thing.


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

My husband told me it was nothing at the time, but at the time he didn't consider phone sex/sexting cheating. How do I bring this back up? I don't want to get into an argument with him over something that happened in the past and make him close up again. How can I talk to him about it without accusing him of cheating outright? 

Thank you for the reply. I know there's a lot to think about in the message, so I appreciate your help.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

When you're married, ANY kind of intimate exchange with someone other than your spouse is cheating. It sounds like he is unwilling to admit that.

Do you suspect him of cheating currently?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

A reason of cutting off sex with you is that he feels like he's cheating on her even though your his wife.

Your husband is clearly having an affair. I'm real sorry.  It doesn't sound like he's wanting to let her go either.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

V,

I think you need to try and confirm that there isn't something else still going on with him and whomever.

You need to go into investigative role but do it quietlt. Do you have acces to the cell phone account? If you do, look at how mant texts he is sending and receiving and from/to whom.

If you find alot, you need to go to the enxt step which would be to place a voice activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of his car (use velcro to secure it in place). Cheaters feel very safe talking in their cars

Next or concurrently, you can put a keylogger on the pc to see what he's up to.

Until you can determine whether this is a dead issue or not, the two of you will not be able to move into any type of repairing the marriage mode


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

You can drive yourself nuts with this kind of thing. I know I did in the past with my previous relationship. I had a serial cheater and she never came clean unless I found a smoking gun. Even then "I" was crazy...

What got my ex to stop chasing someone else was I started getting my house in order. I stopped begging her and I started having fun, appearing to move on. That stopped her shenanigans pretty quickly when I was no longer the "sure thing" and she might lose me. I wished it didn't work (at least with her) but it does seem to pull someone back who appears to have NO interest in you. 

I think you have two choices to consider. You can put your energy into chasing down his [email protected] and making him admit the affair (which won't unbreak the broken glass) or you can put your energy into becoming a better, more attractive person and positioning yourself to attract someone else. If your focus is on you and not on him, either he will come around or you'll be ready to find someone who won't ignore the most important call of duty for the virtual one on xbox live. If you choose to take him back, your in control. If you beg him to come back, he's in control and will likely do it again. Well he's likely to do it again anyways. They say, once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

You can drive yourself nuts with this kind of thing. I know I did in the past with my previous relationship. I had a serial cheater and she never came clean unless I found a smoking gun. Even then "I" was crazy...

What got my ex to stop chasing someone else was I started getting my house in order. I stopped begging her and I started having fun, appearing to move on. That stopped her shenanigans pretty quickly when I was no longer the "sure thing" and she might lose me. I wished it didn't work (at least with her) but it does seem to pull someone back who appears to have NO interest in you. 

I think you have two choices to consider. You can put your energy into chasing down his [email protected] and making him admit the affair (which won't unbreak the broken glass) or you can put your energy into becoming a better, more attractive person and positioning yourself to attract someone else. If your focus is on you and not on him, either he will come around or you'll be ready to find someone who won't ignore the most important call of duty for the virtual one on xbox live. If you choose to take him back, your in control. If you beg him to come back, he's in control and will likely do it again. Well he's likely to do it again anyways. They say, once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

it sounds like he has or is cheating on you to be honest. His relationship with that other girl crossed the line big time even if they never met up. It sounds like it took over his life and may be the reason he spent so much time on xbox.
Im a guy who loves to game, my girlfriend dosnt have much interest in it so we meet in the middle really, he should be putting you first, he is very lucky to have you, i wish my girlfriend was more like you, i have a much higher sex drive than her, thats the thing though, we are all different.
Bottom line however is that he betrayed you with this other girl


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

Thanks, guys.... 

My husband is partially blind in one eye, so he is unable to drive. This is helpful because it means I know where he is all the time (We work together as well in a family owned business, and we have no other female employees.). We actually even trade phones on a regular basis since this whole thing happened while we're at work, so I have a better idea if he is talking to the girl.

I do believe him when he says he no longer talks to her, however, I completely agree with you guys that he crossed the line. I know he was doing something sexual with her over the phone/Xbox. I haven't checked his e-mail at this point, mostly because I want to trust him. *sighs* I don't want to be the crazy wife looking through everything if he's not doing anything, but the distance between us is starting to really hurt.

I talked to him last night... He was masturbating in the living room (again, NO man sits staring at the Google screen late at night). I told him flat out that if he'd rather have some fun with his wife instead of his hand, he'd know where to find me. I think he was shocked that I'm not absolutely oblivious and knew what he was doing. He came back to bed, and I asked him why he'd rather masturbate when he had a wife who was more than willing to have sex or even just perform oral. He said it was because his stomach was bothering him recently and that's why he wasn't interested. I explained to him that I'd given up on the idea of asking for sex from him and have been taking care of myself instead all of this time. I think he was shocked to hear me actually spell it out for him. He hadn't even realized that it had been 2 years since I asked for sex until I talked about it with him last night. I told him I had given up, was tired of rejection, and felt it was about time that he started chasing me instead of the other way around.

I think I'm going to take Phantom's advice... Focus on myself, start to feel sexy again, and make him realize what a catch I really am. If things don't turn around after that, then it will show me that the problem really isn't me, but that it's him. At this point I'm still blaming myself for his lack of interest. I used to make guys walk into parked cars just by smiling at them, and I think if I get back that confidence I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and start being more steadfast in what I need out of a relationship. Sex isn't everything, but trust is.... And frankly, I've lost a lot of it after the whole thing with the Xbox girl.

So should I bring it back up to my husband? Guys, how should I bring it up without having him become defensive? I just want him to admit what he did and address why he felt the need to turn to her instead of his willing wife. I don't want to make him feel attacked.... I just want answers. 

Thank you all of your kindness and support.... It means the world in a time when I feel so lost.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been where you are and my best advice is to focus on YOU and getting your self confidence back. Once you get that back you will see how completely full of **** he is and that you deserve better. It's a process. If you can financially swing it some individual counseling would be beneficial to you to learn how/why you attracted such a cheating, loser in the first place.


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

I just checked one of his e-mails..... He had signed up for a Furry website with hardcore illustrated Furry porn.... I don't know what to even say, or do...


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like there are multiple things going on here (usually is). For some guys, when they slip down the slope of porn, they need more and more outrageous things to look at because the same old stuff doesn't do it. Porn and masturbation does not replace what you get from having sex with your partner. There may be some form of sex addiction on his part complicating matters. I still say the most important thing is to work on you. You can certainly call him out on it if you like. Counseling should be considered separately and together. 

My wife admitted to me this week she's noticed my efforts to look better and is afraid I'm going to be "too attractive" to other women. She thinks I will leave her when another woman pays attention to the new and improved me. I'm sure she thinks that the playing field is equal between her and any other woman. That's totally not true, the deck is stacked heavily in her favor. In my case, I want her to win, mission (partially) accomplished. 

I could have left her hanging in the wind but I chose to give a partial reassurance. In a joking manner but somewhat serious, I told her that when things are being taken care of at home, she had no reason to worry about that. I did also tell her that I didn't want anyone else. Both are true. In the past I would have just told her the latter and not reminded her that she has an active role in keeping me on the straight and narrow. 

We had sex 5 times last week and each time was spot on. On one hand, it was also a difficult and roller coaster kind of week. There were conflicts and things I didn't do correctly but things are headed in the right direction for my situation. I'm not about to rest on my laurels either. I have work to do still on my body and myself. Moving in a positive direction for you will either get you what you want or lead you to getting what you need. Hopefully what you want will be.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

First off I'm really sorry to hear he's putting you through all this.

Secondly from what you are describing he's being extremely selfish and he's cheating on you... in his heart at least if not in action. He should not have secret relationships/communication with any woman.

Selfish in that he's satisfying himself sexually at the expense of your needs/desires. I guess it frustrates me even more because he doesn't know how lucky he is to have a wife who wants him, but I suppose he's not in a place mentally to appreciate it. Perhaps have him read some of the stories of men on this site struggling with wives with LD might help?

My wife has a low drive, but the last thing I would ever do is do anything that hints at an affair. No spouse ever should imo. Any female friend I have my wife knows about, and I never talk about anything inappropriate with them. I also make a point to either talk to her later about conversations I've had with them, or talk with them in front of her so she knows everything that's going on. I do this because I love her, and I would want her to treat me the same way (golden rule and all that).


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> First off I'm really sorry to hear he's putting you through all this.
> 
> Secondly from what you are describing he's being extremely selfish and he's cheating on you... in his heart at least if not in action. He should not have secret relationships/communication with any woman.
> 
> ...


You never want to threaten your spouse with divorce or affairs. But you would also be dishonest if you didn't tell them that you were thinking about it if that was happening due to something not going right in your relationship. There is a way to be open and honest without threats. It's going to hurt worse if you said nothing and it happened. Shying away from that reality leaves fertile ground for affairs to blossom. It may not happen today, but eventually things may go there for even the most "loyal" spouse if a balance is not found for a sex drive mismatch. It's a relationship killer primed to blow up the relationship like an old tire rolling down the highway on a hot summer day.


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

Thanks guys....  I feel better having people just to talk to about the issue. It's never easy throwing your problems out to discuss with your friends when all they complain about is their husbands wanting it too much. Every guy that I ask about wanting sex less than their wife says that is never the case. 

Hehehe... If I thought it would make a difference in how my husband felt/acted, I'd show him some of the stuff on here. But the thing is he doesn't care. He knows I'm going to be here by his side, and I guess he's just comfortable with that to the point he isn't concerned about my needs sexually. I told him again this week that I wanted more sex in our relationship... Nothing has changed, though he told me he wanted me to perform oral again.... I guess I keep seeing a selfish pattern going on...

I'm like you, Browncoat. I do not have any guys numbers in my phone, I only talk to guys on Xbox when my husband is around, and I don't even keep any close guy friends. Any time I hang out with guy friends, it's with my husband right there the whole time. I don't expect him to completely ignore the female sex. After all, I'll point out when there's a girl with big boobs or a nice butt. LOL But I just expected him to understand the difference of what's appropriate time with the opposite sex, and what isn't after being married. Obviously he knew it was wrong, because he hid it, but I will just have to let the past go and move on for now. I can't change what he did, but I can change the way I feel about myself through all of this. 

For now, I'm going to focus on myself and do what makes me happy. I want my husband to be a part of that time, but my happiness will not be centered around his inattentiveness anymore. I'm going to stay on the forum, learn about others going through similar situations, and figure out how to get myself out of this rut. 

Thank you guys for all of your support...  It really means a lot.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Good luck! It's like trying to get your car unstuck from a muddy ditch. A lot of cussing, spinning tires and burning rubber before something shakes loose.


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

So.... one step forward mentally, now 30 steps back...

After the talk with my husband, finally having him come forward about his oral fetish, and finally explaining to him (for the millionth time) that I want sex and really miss being intimate with him. He started kissing me more and flirting a bit more. Some days he would say "Oohhh I cannot wait to get home with you.", only to come up with an excuse later to not have sex. (i.e. either a game was going and I went to bed before him or his stomach was upset so he was no longer in the mood)

Well, yesterday he grabbed me up and really got serious. Kept promising throughout the day we were going to have some fun. That night I took a shower, and asked him to join me. Usually I get a no, but tonight he said sure. He came back, but didn't start things up. I even flirted a little, bumping up against him, nothing... I knew what that meant.... but I continued to hope for sex. So I went and laid down, and when he came to bed I got a real kiss. Not a little peck, but a real kiss. I almost lost it at that, and started to initiate foreplay to get him going crazy too.

About 30 min into foreplay I hint to my husband about wanting to "climb on board"... And as I mentioned it he went from "ready to pop" to soft, almost instantly. My heart sank with his excitement. I took about 5 minutes of handy work and finished him off. When I was done I jumped off the bed and left the room. When I came back he asked why I didn't continue into sex, and I told him it was because he obviously wasn't as interested in the idea as I was. He acted confused, and I told him it was because his actions spoke a lot louder than his words. At that point he got quiet and changed the subject.

Plain and simple... my husband isn't interested in sex with me anymore. At least that's what last night proved to me. And it's not like I'm a passive lover or one that doesn't enjoy myself. I do all of the work on top, get off easily, and make sure to keep it fun for him. But I just don't think he wants sex with me anymore, just oral... Any incite from the guys would be appreciated.

Got dolled up today for work to make myself feel better. He commented how cute I looked. I smiled, thanked him, but ignored the boob grabs and advances. I just feel dirty... and gross... and hideous....


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

ValNTine said:


> But I just don't think he wants sex with me anymore, just oral... Any incite from the guys would be appreciated.


Insight? He doesn't want sex from you because he's getting it somewhere else.

Anything and everything he tells you to the contrary is a complete lie.

You just have to decide if you're going to do something about it.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

First off, keep your head up! You're doing all you can and you should be proud of that. He's a lucky man even if he's blind to it... so very very lucky.

Did he masturbate prior to you coming onto him? Some guys don't recover quickly, and even if they can get an erection may become disinterested.

I think his use of pornography is a big deal, no husband should deprive his wife especially when she's clearly in the mood. He needs to make you his first priority not himself.

Ask him to take a month's leave of all pornography, see if that makes a difference... I bet it will.

BTW not interested in making this into a pro/anti-porn thread. Just saying in this case if he's got sexual energy for porn and not his wife, that's a huge issue.


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

I honestly think he hadn't masturbated prior to me coming onto him. He was the one who started the flirting and telling me that we had plans for the night at 9 am that morning. I was with him throughout the day (since we work together), and he was saying the same thing as we left for work and while we were home. Once he got into his video games, though, he didn't say much of anything until I decided to head to the shower. 

The level of "interest" he was showing during oral/hand play was maxed out. He is the type that does not bounce back after getting off, except on the very rare occasion. But he was too excited to have done anything recently based on his reaction. 

Thanks for the incite, guys. I do feel like I'm being cheated on somewhat with porn, only because he'd rather take the time to just enjoy himself rather than be with me sexually. Very very frustrating, not to mention a huge hit to my self confidence. I used to think I was amazing in bed (according to previous partners), but now I constantly doubt myself.  I'm going to talk to my husband about taking a month off porn, like you mentioned. See if he's willing to give it up and see if anything changes. Of course, if he's not willing to give it up just for a trial period... then I guess I'll have more problems to consider than just lack of bedroom play. 

Thanks for the advice, guys. Here's hoping something changes for the better.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi ValNTine ~

I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. There doesn't seem to be anything that's more crushing than having your spouse reject you. But, you don't just have to accept his crumbs of affection as your self-respect and self-esteem erodes. You can do something about it, because you can do something about you. 

Start working up a plan ... determine how far you are willing to go at each step. Having a plan of action in place for yourself will help you so that you don't feel so helpless, it will help you to feel empowered in your OWN life.

If step 1 is talking with him about the porn and having a moratorium on that, then determine the actions you will do if he slips up (such as pulling back emotionally/physically and concentrating on your life and going immediately to the next step). Maybe step 2 is to seek counselling together/individually, and step 3 is to consider separation, etc.

Here's a good thread that talks about pulling back and not over-heating your partner when you are the 'hotter' one. It works for either sex, and there have been women here who have implemented this and have seen positive progress ... if not in their partners, then in themselves. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Best wishes.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If he's not willing to back off of porn for a month, I'd recommend going together to a MC or asking him to see an IC about it.

Don't beg him to stop. If it was me I'd tell him you really want to try it for a month as a trial. I'd let him know that I'm unhappy with my sex life and we need to do something to shake it up. I'd ask him if there's anything he wants you to do to spice things up for him. Who knows if you make a request he may be emboldened to ask for something he's been silently wanting for a while.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

You sound like what most men would kill for a wife like you!

kick his sorry a$$ to the curb. and fine yourself someone else. If you continue to put up with this it will only destroy your self esteem. 

sorry to be so blunt but thats my opinion. wish my wife had your attitude about sex!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree keep your head up, imo you're a kick butt wife!


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