# Thinking, the grass is always greener...



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

on the other side of the fence.
That is a mindset we often attribute to the walk way spouse. The idea is that the reason they leave or cheat because they think that things are better outside the marriage than in it. The default position is that marriage is the fertilizer that make the grass green on this side of the fence.
But what if it is true and the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence? The marriage really wasn't all it could have or should have been been. What if the marriage had already failed in the first place and the grass on this side really isn't as green as on the other side? Can any of us really blame the other for jumping the fence? 
That is not to say that that is always the case.
OTOH, what does the betrayed spouse do once the fence enclosing the green pasture of marriage has been brought down. Suddenly we find ourselves in the untamed jungle of life. What is one to do? Fleeing back to the safety of the pasture is no longer an option. Do we wallow in the brush, becoming entangled in the overgrowth. Or do we roll up our sleeves and start transforming the unkempt place we find ourselves into something even more vibrant and fulfilling.
Where we used to gorge on the sweet green grass of the pasture of marriage, today we have the option of remaking the world into something even better. Rather than being limited to the small variety of grasses offered in the green field, now we can tame the berry bushes that grow along the edge of the woods to sweeten the berries for our enjoyment, we can feast on the mushrooms that grow in the shadows or the fruits and nuts that grow on the trees.
We can still cultivate that patch of grass, that we use to rest on, but the idea we now need to embrace as a BS is that it doesn't really matter if the grass is really greener on the other side of the fence. There is a whole other world out there for us to explore and make our own.
Why limit ourselves to grass, when there are berries, nuts and fruits. Enjoy freedom, embrace nature.
You can survive by merely taking what nature has to offer. Or you can thrive by taking what nature has to offer, trimming the overgrowth, removing the briars and weeds that limit growth and cultivating it for your enjoyment. 
Me? I want to thrive. The safety of the pasture is gone. I have seen the jungle that is nature, now it is up to me to transform it into my own garden.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can honestly say that after leaving my first hb the grass is much greener on the other side. 

But sometimes it's the case that the grass is greener because it's fertilized with bullsh!t.

I didn't leave him for some dream, I left because he was a arsehole. That's why it was greener.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can honestly say that after leaving my first hb the grass is much greener on the other side.
> 
> But sometimes it's the case that the grass is greener because it's fertilized with bullsh!t.
> 
> ...


It is true, sometimes we can't see the cow pies thru the lush grass.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

And maybe its not the marriage per se it's just life. My first wife left me and I'm so glad she did!! She's a cool gal but never should have been married to her. Don't know if she thought about greener pastures but i can assure you she didn't find any greener than me! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

There's nothing but concrete in my marriage. I'm looking forward to grass...no matter what color it is.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes the grass IS greener and sweeter on the other side.

As you cultivate your garden, remember that variculture (multiculture/polyculture) is ecologically healthier than monoculture practices, and also leads to a healthier diet. And metaphorically, relationships.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Maybe it's greener for both? Sometimes a couple are just bad for each other. They could both come out winners. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> Maybe it's greener for both? Sometimes a couple are just bad for each other. They could both come out winners. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also true. But all too often in the immediate aftermath or the events leading up to divorce this is often something we fail to see.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

That's why if at all possible let the logical part of brain work it's magic during those times. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> That's why if at all possible let the logical part of brain work it's magic during those times. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Easier said than done while going thru withdrawal, but I agree. I said very early in my journey that I could sit down and work it thru in my head a dozen times a day and come to the same conclusion. But damn if emotions didn't wreak turmoil.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Are u infj?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> Are u infj?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


????


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Google it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Intp


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Well ur logic side should be taking over then for sho! I'm Entp
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

And sometimes, if you take the time to properly care for your lawn, it stays greener than any other.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

One of the issues I have with those tests is that I understand how they work. It is too easy to manipulate the results to be what you think you are rather than what you really are. That is the issue I struggling with on the other thread about flipping houses - are my conclusions driven by my desire or are they driven by reality?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

My co paid 1000k per employee for Myers Briggs consultant so I picked ENTP and computer picked Entp. I also go in personality cafe and confirm I'm total Entp. The flipping thing is possible just re is not really conducive to it like a stock but hell in the echo bubble we are in anything is possible! 

Hi NMB how are u?! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ynot said:


> One of the issues I have with those tests is that I understand how they work. It is too easy to manipulate the results to be what you think you are rather than what you really are. That is the issue I struggling with on the other thread about flipping houses - are my conclusions driven by my desire or are they driven by reality?


Desires lead to action which results in a new reality.

Your new reality creates new desires ...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> And sometimes, if you take the time to properly care for your lawn, it stays greener than any other.


Also true, but beyond your nurturing, you have to have the correct conditions. Sometimes they are just not there, for instance a tree on your neighbors lot that shades the yard preventing the grass from growing. Or an invasion of noxious weeds that can only be cured by killing the lawn and starting fresh. More often than not it is simply a case of mistaken need. For instance you are applying a general purpose lawn fertilizer when the soil is naturally high is say, phosphorous and you end up killing the grass anyways, despite your best effort. And you don't even realize you are doing it!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In my circumstances it was interesting. I thought I was very happily married but I wasn't. I was in a very one sided relationship, partially by my own design by allowing it. After she cheated and left me for the OM I was lost, had to go to counseling. Through counseling I learned that this was my opportunity to make my own life and pursue my own happiness, a foreign concept in my marriage. 

Fast forward 4 years and I am very happy. I have my career back on track, finances back on track, relationship with my kids back on track and a hot younger GF.

My X got left by the OM and I refused to take her back. She has lost relationships with just about everyone we knew together except her mother the enabler. She has expressed to me how she doesn't like her relationship with her daughters and blames me for it lol.

So my point being my X pursued the grass is greener side, but it was me who found it. Karma baby!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> In my circumstances it was interesting. I thought I was very happily married but I wasn't. I was in a very one sided relationship, partially by my own design by allowing it. After she cheated and left me for the OM I was lost, had to go to counseling. Through counseling I learned that this was my opportunity to make my own life and pursue my own happiness, a foreign concept in my marriage.
> 
> Fast forward 4 years and I am very happy. I have my career back on track, finances back on track, relationship with my kids back on track and a hot younger GF.
> 
> ...


Yep, my OP was really about how we as BS really need to accept that premise ourselves. I was happily corralled in the pasture of marriage as well, or so I thought. It has taken me some time to feel safe and secure again knowing the fence is no longer protecting me from the unknown. Having been out there, I know that the fence isn't there anymore, so if I am going to live I have to take care of myself. We all have the skills to do it, but the allure of safety and security often times keeps us from pursuing a better life.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

My better life will be the safety and security that I provide to myself. I will never let me down.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

The "grass is greener" stuff just doesn't make sense to me when it comes to describing marriage because BOTH people have try to make the marriage grow. If one spouse is planting the seeds, you still need the other spouse to water it. If that spouse won't water the garden, then why should the spouse planting the seeds just accept it? That spouse could go on and start their own garden and not necessarily with someone else but by themselves and be perfectly happy.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> The "grass is greener" stuff just doesn't make sense to me when it comes to describing marriage because BOTH people have try to make the marriage grow. If one spouse is planting the seeds, you still need the other spouse to water it. If that spouse won't water the garden, then why should the spouse planting the seeds just accept it? That spouse could go on and start their own garden and not necessarily with someone else but by themselves and be perfectly happy.


I agree. But according to some of the bitter enders around here, once you make that vow to God and others you have no choice but than to suck it up until you die. Some of these same bitter enders never get around to really considering what life is all about since they are to invested in anger and bitterness at what happened to them.
My ex left me. She refused to water the seeds, so to speak. Therefore it is now up to me to tend to my own garden. If I happen to find a garden nymph along the way, so much the better. If not, oh well


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Garden nymph, have u been drinking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

No, just daydreaming


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

True, the grass is sometimes greener, it is just people bring their sh1t along with them. For instance someone who left a neglected spouse has a more probable shorter fuse when dealing with anger.

And sometimes you meet a person that is simply better suited for you.

People have this mistaken notion that love is not something quantifiable, but it is.

There was a couple and I knew only the wife, but they had an open marriage that was successful for ten years until she ran into someone she madly fell in love with and eventually left her husband for and now she is more fulfilled than when she was in her previous marriage.

Btw, it was her husband who introduced them because he is or was into the hot wife lifestyle.

So her and her new husband have been happily married for the last 6 years. The grass was greener.

And no, the grass is not always greenest where you place that energy into. My uncle and his ex are now happier than they were with each other as well. He changed and since he is middle-aged, he wanted a more adventurous lifestyle, and she wanted to be rooted and close to the grandchildren. There is only so far the grass can be green in that scenario.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I agree, sometimes the split is circumstantial not anyone's fault per se. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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