# or lack there of....



## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Okay..... I'm really struggling here.... my husband looks at porn, and Craigslist ads, and reads the 50 shades series.... it seems like he has absolutely NO desire for sex or intimacy. We go up to 3 weeks without anything. Just a kiss here or a hug there..... and when I say kiss, it's a peck..... I have to ask him to kiss me with some feeling behind it.... I'm a very affectionate person and he talks like we have sex all the time.... but we don't... any thoughts or suggestions....????? I seriously feel like I've tried everything. And I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. He's also very flirtatious with other women....what gives...???? Please help.... I feel like I'm the only one who cares about our marriage.
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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Does he ever make any comments to you about thinking you are pretty/beautiful/hot etc.?


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Yes. And he says he loves me all the time..... but the words aren't enough.... I just feel completely rejected and like he just married me to have someone to just there. I even told him I don't feel like we're married, I feel like roommates... and he told me he thinks that I think we live in some Harlequin romance novel or Disney fantasy.... and I told him no... I thought we were married.... I'm heart broken. And I'm not just complaining to complain.... this is my last resort....
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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Well it is good that he atleast says it on his own. If not, speaking from first hand experience, that would be a significant red flag.


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Do you have any idea what's going on, or suggestions on what I should do....? I don't want to divorce.... but I want to be happy... and I haven't been since we've been married..... I don't really feel loved and I'm constantly being lied to.... :'-(
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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

If you honestly believe he is attracted to you, then I don't know. That was my first guess. Besides the sex, what other issues are there. That is rarely the only issue.


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

He is adopted.... so I often wonder if that has anything to do with it..... his mom wasn't really nice or affectionate to him.... he has chronic back pain or says he's to stressed or has a headache.... he uses excuses most women use.... and, not that it matters, but I'm not some ugly duckling. All his friends think I'm attractive and tell him how lucky he is. In just at a total loss....
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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

So sorry for you sounds like a painful situation for you know it is for me
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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

It really really is..... it doesn't help that we moved about all new city and I don't really know anyone..... I just feel like I deserve better. We dropped everything to move in with his terminally I'll father. I ended up taking care of him more than my husband did.... it's been really rough. And I know my husband has a lot going on and a lot on his mind and I'm trying to be supportive as much as I can. But I need support to. And I fee like any time we talk any more, we talk in circles....
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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hi Op - sorry your living like this...it sounds horrible.

Do you think he may be jerking off to the porn so often he has no need for sex from you? There are 'some' men who get addicted to porn and end up preferring it to real live sex.

What kind of craiglist ads does he look at?

Do you have access to his phone and computer/emails?

It sounds like he is highly sexual... but his sexual energy is going elsewhere... you need to get it focused back on you but you need to know what he's doing with it first.

What does your gut instinct tell you?


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

My gut tells me nit to waste any more time or energy. I'm not a guy, so I don't understand it.... but how is jerking off in any way, shape or form better than real sex...??? I don't whine and complain and I'm pretty much open for anything.... that's what gets me so confused. He looks at personal ads for women in the area we live in.... and unfortunately I have stooped so low as checking his phone. He had some fling with a chick via Skype and I've been paranoid ever since. And I recently found out that he friended some chick on Facebook and they've started texting... that really worried me.... I don't understand this man at all.... he's definitely throwing me mixed signals... like he'll touch me in a sexual way. And then acts like he wants sex then goes to bed.... that's torture....
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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Anything sexual I say, I almost always get the response, "you're cute" or "you're silly". How is that cute or silly...???
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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Do you feel a need to have 'proof' he is cheating...because it sounds , to me, like he is. Way too many reg flags..

I don't get the porn addicition thing either...read up on after saw posts on hear. It's to do with get a right hormone rush but it being attached to the porn...not a real person. So in a way they fall in love (hormonely) with the porn. There is also the factor of not having to wine and dine, no need for foreplay and it's all about the user...he doesn't have to please anyone but himself.

You can read alot online about this subject...but porn is becoming a problem for a growing number of men.

Personally I'd be more worried about him hooking up with the local women he see ads for online.

Geez... he's an idiot... when he has a warm and willing wife at home and he's very mean to tease you. I'd kick him in the nutz next time he does that! Very frustrating!


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

I don't have any "proof" that he is cheating. I do know he's highly flirtatious.... just have no idea if he has followed through with anything. The crappy thing is that I know it's in my best interest to leave.... I do love him, but I can't I've like this... I keep hoping and praying things will change... but is 40 and set in his ways.... you'd think after 3 failed marriages he'd get a clue.... but I should have known better I guess. I'm just far to optimistic for.my own good.
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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> My gut tells me nit to waste any more time or energy. I'm not a guy, so I don't understand it.... but how is jerking off in any way, shape or form better than real sex...??? I don't whine and complain and I'm pretty much open for anything.... that's what gets me so confused. He looks at personal ads for women in the area we live in.... and unfortunately I have stooped so low as checking his phone. He had some fling with a chick via Skype and I've been paranoid ever since. And I recently found out that he friended some chick on Facebook and they've started texting... that really worried me.... I don't understand this man at all.... he's definitely throwing me mixed signals... like he'll touch me in a sexual way. And then acts like he wants sex then goes to bed.... that's torture....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he's into porn that much, he is probably just masturbating a lot and not cheating. He may be 'flirting' online just to get aroused, but the one tough one to swallow is that some of these women are local. Keep your eyes open and don't feel bad about phone snooping. He's giving you enough rope.


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

How I can deal with my frustrations and rejection....? Doing it myself almost isn't enough any more.... I won't cheat... I just don't have the heart....
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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You won't like the answers. Really you won't.

He is at least half heartedly shopping and he's probably been in at least one Emotional Affair.

You aren't 'stooping' to anything. You are protecting your marriage. In the normal course of events, you wouldn't THINK of checking his email, phone etc...because your husband, in the NORMAL course of events, would be acting in a trustworthy fashion.

He is NOT acting trustworthy. You've done the honorable thing and asked him what the frog is up. He's put you off or lied. So what is a guy/girl to do? Seek truth in other ways.

This isn't a good place to be. But allow me to sooth your ruffled (sorry, regretably UNruffled  ) feathers.

You could be the Fairest One of All. You could be a supermodel nymphomaniac*. You still can't compete with a total internet fantasy. She can look anyway she wants in his mind, ACT any way she wants in his mind.

It isn't real.

This is small solace but I'd dig a bit more. You MIGHT be able to shake him out of it if you have evidence.

(*There is a joke men sometimes tell: Show me a really hot woman and I'll show you the man who is tired of sleeping with her. Sometimes sad but true)


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

I'm not miss America by any means. And I'm not at all conceited... but I'm no dog. Even if I call him out on his lies and what he's been hiding we just argue about it for an hour or so, hen he needs his space to "get over it". Then he's fine. And I'm left thinking.... okay this is STILL unresolved.... and if I happen to bring it up, he says I thought we were over this...??? Why do you keep bringing it up. I'm all about giving credit where credit is due. I really am.... but he gets none... funnily enough, he had a dream the other night that we were at a party and I packed my bags and told him I'm leaving. He asked, the party and I said no you. He said he was all shook up over it. And then asked if I was thinking about leaving him. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought a out leaving.... because of course I have. This just isn't working... Again
... mixed signals. I just really wonder why he married me and what his thought process was....
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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

What do you mean by "seek the truth in other ways..."? I want honesty. I really do... I don't think I'll find the answered I'm looking for on here. But every little bit helps.... especially since he won't really talk to me about the things that bother me. Which leads me to believe he doesn't care. Which kills me....
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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Plus, he's SUPER good at lying.... I never know what's real or not. So, even when I ask something, I never know if it's the truth. So, I basically just take everything he says with a grain if salt.
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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If he's looking at porn all the time and he's reading other erotic literature, I'm going to agree with some of the other posters and state that he's probably masturbating regularly. At the age of 50, I assume that his recovery rate is not what it used to be and that he is focusing all of his sexual energy on porn instead of you. You ask why would he be content with beating off while he could have the real thing? Well, the biggest sexual organ in the body is the mind. With porn, he probably has some good fantasies set up in his mind and in his mind he is having sex with younger, prettier, tighter, etc. "women" than his wife. In reality it's nothing more than a fantasy world that he deluded himself into living in instead of enjoying you. As you've probably read in other infidelity threads, your husband is in a fog (most likely) and is in the grip of a pornography addiction. So you need to remind yourself that you are not the problem - he is. He needs to break away from pornography so that he can reconnect with you. Not everyone can handle pornography, and you husband appears to be one of those people.


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you all so very very much.... I appreciate all of this... I get sick of taking to my friends after awhile, because I feel like I'm super annoying and sound crazy any more... I'm definitely losing myself in all of this....
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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> Plus, he's SUPER good at lying.... I never know what's real or not. So, even when I ask something, I never know if it's the truth. So, I basically just take everything he says with a grain if salt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You check his email, his search history, and the phone records. You may have to install a key logger and retreive his text messages. 

There is an entire thread to gathering evidence in Coping with Infidelity.

But as always, I warn people that what they may find, they may not have WANTED to know.

So take that warning for how it's meant


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

How do I really KNOW if he's acted on his indiscretions...? He's such a good liar.
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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

fallen_angel said:


> How do I really KNOW if he's acted on his indiscretions...? He's such a good liar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't know for absolutely sure.

If you have him followed and he stops at a strange home for two hours, chances are he isn't taking donations for the local Kidney Association. You have to act on probablilities.

If you see a text where he is asking when he can see someone again, it's disturbing, particularly if HIS name is Nadine. Not a lot of spin to that.

If he is discussing how tab A goes into slot B, exactly how good a liar is he?


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

He works out of town... So, I worry he does this when he is gone. At home, none of those things happen. 

He is such a great liar, that he lied about his whole life basically and I believed it. Said that he served and retired from the military, which in fact he only made it about a year or so because he had a prior back injury that prevented him from going further... 

Lied about having a brother, which I believed... stuff like that....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

fallen_angel said:


> Okay..... I'm really struggling here.... my husband looks at porn, and *Craigslist ads*, and reads the 50 shades series.... it seems like he has absolutely NO desire for sex or intimacy. We go up to 3 weeks without anything. Just a kiss here or a hug there..... and when I say kiss, it's a peck..... I have to ask him to kiss me with some feeling behind it.... I'm a very affectionate person and he talks like we have sex all the time.... but we don't... any thoughts or suggestions....????? I seriously feel like I've tried everything. And I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. He's also *very flirtatious with other women*....what gives...???? Please help.... I feel like I'm the only one who cares about our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's enough to say bye-bye for me!


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## fallen_angel (Aug 30, 2012)

So, I'm not proud of myself.... But I did download a tracker to his phone.... It tracks calls, messages and the websites he visits..... He is currently working out of town. He's looked up ads for female escorts on backpage for 2 of the towns he's been to.... there are no strange outgoing calls or emails (that I know of). Think he's just looking to use it like porn...? I really don't mind that he looks are porn when he's out of town, simply because that's much better than him going and screwing some random chick.... 

Thoughts......?


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