# struggling with being consistent



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

This sums up my post divorce life. I struggle all the time with being consistent and I feel its ruining me.

With my children I will tell them, for example, if you do this one more time then such and such will happen, but I dont follow up. I think it is because I feel guilty about the lack of time I have with them, I dont want them to be unhappy with me. My gf sees it all the time and tells me about it.

Also I struggle with money. Im tight with money because of the situation. I tell my kids I cant get them brand name stuff or all this extra stuff but when the rubber hits the road I dont stand my ground.

I need to be better. Its affecting my relationship with my kids and girlfriend. 

Anyone have suggestions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Start manning up. Look into counseling, if you need to. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". 

And stop saying stuff you're not willing to back up. Your GF and your kids will lose respect for you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

How long ago was your divorce?

I wouldn't mean to pass judgement by asking this. I know men do need to be in a relationship without any gaps in between but if your finance is currently shaky then would it be wise to throw yourself into another relationship so soon? Personally, that's what I am doing right now post-D - finance needs to be sorted out and relationships CAN wait.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are not parenting properly and you are teaching your children you are a doormat. How can they respect you? 

If you say it, mean it and don't cave in to whining, pressure or anything else they throw at you. 

As to money issues -- explain the situation to them. Have a budgeted amount for their clothes, etc. and discuss with them how to spend it. Make sure they know when it's gone, it's gone.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Issues with parent-child dynamic come to my mind as well.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Poppy explain more


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

proudwidaddy said:


> With my children I will tell them, for example, if you do this one more time then such and such will happen, but I dont follow up. I think it is because I feel guilty about the lack of time I have with them, I dont want them to be unhappy with me. My gf sees it all the time and tells me about it.
> 
> Also I struggle with money. Im tight with money because of the situation. I tell my kids I cant get them brand name stuff or all this extra stuff but when the rubber hits the road I dont stand my ground.
> *
> I need to be better.* Its affecting my relationship with my kids and girlfriend.


I don't know, my hunch is that there's something not quite right with your relationship with your kids / GF? Keep buying expensive items for kids - probably you do this because you are almost feeling insecure if your kids love you unconditionally. You are trying to buy their approval / affection or even desperately trying to make them think you are a good Dad. Love cannot be bought. Busy career-driven parents often buy expensive goods for their kids because they are feeling guilty of not spending enough time with them. So they buy things to overcompensate rather than relating with them, playing with them, doing things with them spending time with them having fun with them etc. Maybe, you are trying to be too responsible for everything to prove your self-worth to your children and GF. That's not a very happy place to be.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Poppy has it.

Your kids are a good age for a behavior chart. Get a dry-erase board. You can use electrical tape for permanent lines if you want. Look up some ideas on line. Figure out what you want them to do while there. Figure out rewards that aren't monetary and list those at the bottom. Get to choose the movie? 5 points. Get to go to the park? 5 points. 

The reason for dry erase is it's quick and easy. Any time they don't follow the rules (hit sister, talk back, don't put dishes in dishwasher, etc.) you take your finger and erase a point. 

Depending on your personal situation you can have them start with, say, 15 points marked on the board when they come for a visit and every time they misbehave, you erase one point (or more if a huge infraction) and whoever has the most points gets the "prize" which is non-monetary. OR you can assign chores and have them earn points to win the privilege of the "prize" activity.

I think if you have it in writing, you are less likely to be inconsistent and you can react right away. Put it in the kitchen or hallway or wherever it's convenient. You can use points, stars, smiley faces - whatever.

But the kids are now accountable. When you introduce it, make it fun and emphasize "You can win being able to choose which movie and we all have to watch what YOU want to". Make it a contest to win vs. a punishment to avoid.

The more you are aware of your behavior being geared toward gaining approval, the better you'll be at stopping those.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I sympathize. I went through this as well. Guilt over their mom was leading me to do whatever I could just to make them happy. In the end you are a parent and have a responsibility to turn the kids into good adults. They will thank you more in the long run for it


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I did it, too. I didn't mind the toys in the living room so getting her to pick up when I finally enforced it was hard.

Also when ex alienated her and she was ordered back into my care, I gave in when we went shopping and she wanted something else. Finally I made her 'earn' money to buy the things she wanted. 

Most of us make similar mistakes.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Proud, you have a lot of threads going. 

Might I suggest you stick with one? You can pile on as much as you want and we'll stick around. I promise. 

I have a dry erase board similar to the one EW was speaking of. It works great - especially with younger kids. 

It gives the kids structure and helps you be organized and consistent. 

Question though, how is it affecting your relationship with your GF?


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Proud, you have a lot of threads going.
> 
> Might I suggest you stick with one? You can pile on as much as you want and we'll stick around. I promise.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Totally, I agree with you.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Seems to be a growing trend these days that parents want to be “buddies” with their kid…which is one of the most harmful things you can do.
Children thrive in the reasonable confines of boundaries set and kept by the parent. That way they KNOW if they slip out of the areas set by the parents, the parents will come and help. It works for both positive and negative areas.
It may SEEM like they don’t appreciate it, because a child’s duty is to test boundaries to see if you are watching.
But they will appreciate it more because it gives them a feeling of safety and assurance that their parent watches for and protects them.

I have three rules for my kids.
1.	First and foremost I am your father…We can be buddies AFTER The parent stuff is settled. I love you very much, but it’s my duty to raise you to be good people…not just rule followers, but “Good” people.
2.	I will not “buy you off”. You will earn your rewards in the same way you earn your consequences.
3.	I don’t ask for much, but when I do, you had better Hop to it. Save the questions for later, I will ALWAYS have an answer why I needed it done.

Kids need that assurance that you are there for them. When boundaries erode in one area…they MIGHT erode in another.
That’s when kids get nervous because one of those boundaries might be how well you protect them.

Sure they will cry and moan and possibly tantrum…but it was their choices that got them there and you need to be firm.
Not mean. 
Not yelling …just “firm”.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Seems to be a growing trend these days that parents want to be “buddies” with their kid…which is one of the most harmful things you can do.
> 
> Children thrive in the reasonable confines of boundaries set and kept by the parent. That way they KNOW if they slip out of the areas set by the parents, the parents will come and help. It works for both positive and negative areas.
> 
> ...



Liked twice.


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