# Need help on how to properly talk to my husband



## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

Somebody please help me put into words what I really want to tell my husband. I'm not good in stating my feelings that's why I tend to say it bluntly and my partner always misunderstands my intention. I want to tell him how I feel in a way that will be encouraging to him instead of the other way around. You see he tells me he's tired of his life just revolving around work and home and some occasional drinking. He's also frustrated that his life never changes that no matter how he works hard. But the problem I can see is that he has no goals, no ambitions. He says he want to work for us, his family, but aside from that he has no future plans laid out. He just wants to have a lot of free time to do his vices such as going out with his friends, drinking, and sometimes he misses taking drugs like he used to in college. He's not addicted though, he treats it like some kind of indulgence.He still lives his life like when he was a bachelor. He do gives money though although sometimes it is not enough for our needs because he doesn't know how to save. And because of that I had to make sacrifices such as being thousands of miles away from my 3 month old baby, our first baby, just to help with our finances and because he wants me to be by his side. He says he hates money, he doesn't want to get rich. Money is just a piece of toilet paper as he would put it. All he wanted in life is to work to finance me and our kid and then let me do all the planning by myself and he will just tag along. But even if I try to plan something to improve our lives he never follows it because he can't sacrifice the way he wants to live his life. Now I'm giving my maximum tolerance already. I'm trying really hard to keep on understanding him, not criticising his views about life and patiently wait till he comes to his senses but I feel I already am doomed for life. It's like he will not change not unless somebody gives him a push. But everytime I try to open this up he feels like I'm trying to change him, that I should accept him wholly for who he is, etc. But I do accept him or else I won't marry him. And I'm not trying to change his personality, I'm even tolerating his vices and the other unreasonable things he likes to do. I just want him to become more responsible, have more sense with his family, have a goal in life. I want him to start planning for our future like saving for a house maybe or anything else that will be beneficial to us. I want him to grow up. I'm willing to back him up every step of the way. I want us to work harmoniously. I can't do everything alone. I'm already exhausted worrying about him and worrying about our family that I even don't have time anymore for myself. I may want him to change a little but only for the better. But how will I tell this to a person who is so unwilling to change? Or should I keep my mouth shut and continue to wait....for a miracle perhaps?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hmmm...that is a headscratcher, but try one of those loaded questions like bosses and counselors do: where do you see yourself in five years?


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Hmmm...that is a headscratcher, but try one of those loaded questions like bosses and counselors do: where do you see yourself in five years?


I already tried that before...he answered me plainly "I don't know"


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

ThrivingMarriage said:


> Miracles are wonderful to hope for but all marriages need work. In my eBook you can learn about the 3 Marital Icebergs that can sink any marriage and what to do about them.
> 
> eBook | Thriving Marriage Institute
> 
> ...


I'll check it out. Thanks!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

your miracle is not going to happen, and let me ask you. 

why would he change if you give him no real reason to? is he risking anything or losing anything by what he's doing now? no. he's not.

take it from me and my lovely life, talk till you're blue in the face, re-word, carefully plan, be as understanding as you want, he doesnt want to hear it, doesn't care, and its going to get you no where.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

How about this:

"If you don't grow up and get your sh*t together, and quickly, I'm leaving you."


Then make it stick.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

re: But how will I tell this to a person who is so unwilling to change? Or should I keep my mouth shut and continue to wait....for a miracle perhaps?
... Focus on the needs, future and mental health of you child 1st, then your self and finally him. Set the goals and expectations for your baby & yourself then tell him he can work for and help your baby and you or YOU AND THE BABY WILL BE GONE!!!!!
You need to set limits and issue ultimatums FOR YOUR BABY'S SAKE - not his or yours - YOUR BABY is your main, #1 priority until grown so do whatever it takes to protect your baby from rotten parental role modeling such as you have described so far. You had better give him some ultimatums and stick by your decisions FOR YOUR BABY'S SAKE! Otherwise put your dependent child up for adoption to people who will do what's right for the kid and stay with your looser.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

He's not all trash. I'm not saying this just to defend him. We're happy whenever we spend time together, I feel loved. He loves our son too in his own way. It's just that he's still immature when it comes to other important things. It's like he's not yet totally prepared for the responsibility and the idea of being a father hasn't sinked in his head well enough. I think it's because his father died when he was still 2 years old. And no one else has become a father figure to him so maybe he doesn't know how to act his part. Aside from that, he has lived his life in a carefree way for a very long time. He does give in and listen to me sometimes as well as to some of my requests but that's if I can convince him to. That's why regarding this matter I have to make him understand first without hurting his ego. I want to find out a way to voice out my feelings without making him feel defensive. The problem with me is I'm the type who is not used to speak out my thoughts so whenever I decide to do so my feelings overwhelm me. I can't find the right words, I feel frustrated, I try to say everything I want all at once. But even if I'm talking to him in a composed manner it still makes him feel like I'm nagging and that usually starts an argument between us.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ZMR said:


> He do gives money though although sometimes it is not enough for our needs because he doesn't know how to save. And because of that I had to make sacrifices such as being thousands of miles away from my 3 month old baby, our first baby, just to help with our finances and because he wants me to be by his side.


ZMR, first thing in life is to accept responsibility for our own behaviour, not blame it on somebody else! If you would rather be where you are than with your 3 month old baby than accept that as your choice. Not this “he made me do it” stuff.


My view is that you are trying to change him. Not just little changes but huge great big ones. You could spend your lifetime doing that and just be spinning your wheels, exactly as you are doing now.

The only person you can change is yourself and that ain’t so easy. Sometimes it involves very tough choices.

Bob


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

jimrich said:


> You need to set limits and issue ultimatums FOR YOUR BABY'S SAKE - not his or yours - YOUR BABY is your main, #1 priority until grown so do whatever it takes to protect your baby from rotten parental role modeling such as you have described so far. You had better give him some ultimatums and stick by your decisions FOR YOUR BABY'S SAKE! Otherwise put your dependent child up for adoption to people who will do what's right for the kid and stay with your looser.


Yes I do get what you mean, thanks for your advice. But I don't think it will work out that well. For the time we've spent together I have observed that I can never get to him by threatening him, it just makes things worse and sometimes causes damages to our relationship. He becomes more obedient when it's the other way around... it's just like in child psychology, the punishment versus reward thing, rewarding him is more effective.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> ZMR, first thing in life is to accept responsibility for our own behaviour, not blame it on somebody else! If you would rather be where you are than with your 3 month old baby than accept that as your choice. Not this “he made me do it” stuff.
> 
> 
> My view is that you are trying to change him. Not just little changes but huge great big ones. You could spend your lifetime doing that and just be spinning your wheels, exactly as you are doing now.
> ...


Thanks Bob, I respect your opinion. But I'm not blaming him at all, yes it was my decision and it was a very tough one. I was just hoping he would realize the sacrifice I made wasn't easy, it's not easy to be far away from our first baby, not being able to touch him, only seeing him through a webcam. So I wanted a little more help on his part on making things easier for me by not giving me more problems to think about. And I'm not sure if the change I'm asking for is huge, it probably is, but a little step at a time is enough for me. As long as I know he wants to and would take the initiative to change and then I'll be there to support him. I only want to talk to him to make him realize that if he stays like that he'll never improve as well as our lives. I want him to want change within him. I want to open his eyes, that's all. And I want him to be more of a partner to me, I need us to work as a team and not him thinking about his needs first because I'm not strict, I always consider his requests, I give him the things he wants if it's reasonable. And I believe a good partner should be able to instill change in his or her counterpart to make him or her a better person and so that both of you can grow and nourish each other to become better individuals.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ZMR, I think the very best thing to do is accept a person as they are right now. To accept that they will never ever change.

And from that new perspective ask yourself “Can I live a full, happy and rewarding married life with this man as he is right now?”.

The red flags I am seeing are as follows:

1) No goals, no ambitions. There really are people like that in the world.

2) Doesn’t know how to save. There really are people like that in the world.

3) Wants lots of free time, drinking and other vices. There really are people like that in the world.

4) He hates money. There really are people like that in the world.

5) Can’t make personal sacrifices. There really are people like that in the world.

6) Irresponsible. There really are people like that in the world.

Look at the list. You think you can change him ???

I am very much pro marriage, married for nearly 40 years. But if you start out from day one trying to change the person you want to marry you’ll be doing that all your married life. And that is the life of a codependent.

Bob


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I am very much pro marriage, married for nearly 40 years. But if you start out from day one trying to change the person you want to marry you’ll be doing that all your married life. And that is the life of a codependent.
> 
> Bob


Then would you please tell me what do you think is the best way to deal with it? I would like to preserve our relationship, to keep our family whole. Like my husband, I also grew up without a father so I know how difficult it is. And aside from that I truly love my husband. Does it mean I should just give up trying and accept my fate that it's going to be like this forever? But that would mean working twice as hard just to keep everything together. I might grow weary from all of it. Is it enough just to accept everything the way they are? Because leaving my husband is definitely not in my options...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ZMR said:


> Then would you please tell me what do you think is the best way to deal with it? I would like to preserve our relationship, to keep our family whole. Like my husband, I also grew up without a father so I know how difficult it is. And aside from that I truly love my husband. Does it mean I should just give up trying and accept my fate that it's going to be like this forever? But that would mean working twice as hard just to keep everything together. I might grow weary from all of it. Is it enough just to accept everything the way they are? Because leaving my husband is definitely not in my options...



ZMR I know sometimes life isn’t “easy”.

But look. You are revisiting your childhood on your little 3 month old baby. That baby is growing up without her mother. In your own way you have “abandoned” your baby. You are applying the values and beliefs you learnt from your parents! How “successful” is that going to be?

One day maybe 15, 20 years in the future your little baby is going to say to you “Where were you when I was growing up? Why did you abandon me?”.

What are you going to say? “I was trying to change your daddy?”.

Bob


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

ZMR,

A man can be a great guy and still be bad for you. He can love you and still be a bad husband. You can love him and still not have a happy life together.

I understand you not wanting to end your marriage. However, a successful marriage requires a true partnership. It sounds pretty clear that you do not have that. You are asking this forum to help you come up with some magical words that will get your husband to become a true marriage partner to you. Believe me, there are many of us here who wish there were such words. But there are not. At least, not for the kind of change you need from your husband.

Basically, it comes down to this: At the end of each day, you have to ask yourself one very important question. Is staying in your marriage worth the price you and your baby have to pay? In other words, do you get enough happiness out of it to put up with the problems you have? If you answer "yes", then there is not much else that can be said. If/when you find that you are answering "no", then you have to be willing to make, and follow through with, some tough decisions. It doesn't sound like you are ready to do that yet. Until you are, I'm afraid most of the advice you receive just isn't going to be of any use to you.

I truly wish you all the best.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> ZMR I know sometimes life isn’t “easy”.
> 
> But look. You are revisiting your childhood on your little 3 month old baby. That baby is growing up without her mother. In your own way you have “abandoned” your baby. You are applying the values and beliefs you learnt from your parents! How “successful” is that going to be?
> 
> ...


I will explain a little about the details. I'm working in a different country from my homeland. We got married when I went home for vacation resulting to a child who was not yet within our plans. I went back abroad. He on the meantime has work but with too little salary so while I was still pregnant and working I did everything I can to bring him to the country where I was for him to find work immediately so that he can provide for me and our baby since I am definitely planning on quitting my job. He found a job and the salary was higher than the previous however the living expenses here are high. Plus he has an impulse for buying stuff he likes without my knowledge. Therefore it still wasn't enough to provide for his needs here and for me and our baby. That's why though it was against my will but with the advice of some elders including my mother I went back to work again because that seems to be the only practical thing to do. I can't let anyone else shoulder our responsibility for the child and somebody has to do something with the increasing expenses. It's not for my husband. I did mention something about my husband wanting me to be here with him but that is not my main reason. I'm working here so that my baby back at home can be properly fed and clothe and to give the other things he'll be needing. Administrative work in our country offers little salary therefore even with the money my husband gives, it will only be enough for the month's expenses. I'm just worried that if an emergency arise, we will not be prepared. My baby is currently with my mother now. I have no plans of leaving my child that long. I want to save so I can go back where I should be, that's why I'm having a problem on how my husband's approach on things are because we definitely will be working for nothing if this keeps up.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t know if you know or not ZMR, a person’s most formative years are up to the age of seven or eight. The values and beliefs they learn during that period stay with them for the rest of their life.

Up until the age of two and a half to three years old a child does not truly differentiate themselves from the rest of the world around them. For example, when a baby looks at their mothers face they think that face is a part of them.

Now you are not with your baby in it’s most formative years. You give many “reasons” for this. Your H’s earning power, cost of living, your mother’s advice etc. etc.

But at the end of the day you are doing exactly what it is you want to do because of the personal rewards you are getting. I hope I’m not seen as passing judgement on you. You didn’t know your father, maybe he told himself the same things you tell yourself.

Bob


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Now you are not with your baby in it’s most formative years. You give many “reasons” for this. Your H’s earning power, cost of living, your mother’s advice etc. etc.
> 
> But at the end of the day you are doing exactly what it is you want to do because of the personal rewards you are getting. I hope I’m not seen as passing judgement on you. You didn’t know your father, maybe he told himself the same things you tell yourself.
> 
> Bob


I understand you're concerned about the fact that I left my baby, it may not be an acceptable action from your point of view. And I am not trying to convince you about my reasons, but one thing is for sure, there is nothing "rewarding" about the decision I made... whether you believe me or not. Being in a poor country where people are forced to work away from their families, I'm sure the country you're living in is not like that. That's why you have a different opinion on the matter. But a lot of us in our country would rather choose that our families will have something to eat even if it means to be separated from our loved ones, our children and such. If it will make sure that they will live a comfortable life, it is enough.

Now before we drift away from the main topic... I only need help about my husband and not regarding my decisions in life because whether they are right or not only time can tell. Or probably I'll never know, but for the meantime I already have made up my mind. And I'm suffering so no need to make me feel bad than I already am..although I know that was not your intention. So any other advice you can give me is appreciated.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> You didn’t know your father, maybe he told himself the same things you tell yourself.
> 
> Bob


Btw, my father left me and my mother, he simply disappeared and left us nothing. He never even once gave us support. My mother had to work hard to feed me and give me good education. I was left with my aunt and when I was a little older, I was always alone by myself. I never resented her because everything was explained to me properly why she had to do it. And regarding my father I don't hate him but I also don't give a damn...


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

Invictus said:


> ZMR,
> 
> A man can be a great guy and still be bad for you. He can love you and still be a bad husband. You can love him and still not have a happy life together.
> 
> ...


Yes I am not ready yet, that's quite true and I also feel I don't need to do it yet. But I'll keep that in mind, so, thank you very much.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Next time he whines about being unhappy with his life, tell him he's exactly what he wishes to be, exactly what he's devoted years of his life to becoming. "Change" doesn't occur by doing the same old, unsatisfying things. Most people who whine don't want help and they don't want change. They merely want an audience to validate them. Nobody puts on a show if people won't buy a ticket. If he is unhappy, what is he prepared to DO to change his situation? Complaining is like flatulence. It's just unpleasant noise which produces nothing of value.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Next time he whines about being unhappy with his life, tell him he's exactly what he wishes to be, exactly what he's devoted years of his life to becoming. "Change" doesn't occur by doing the same old, unsatisfying things. Most people who whine don't want help and they don't want change. They merely want an audience to validate them. Nobody puts on a show if people won't buy a ticket. If he is unhappy, what is he prepared to DO to change his situation? Complaining is like flatulence. It's just unpleasant noise which produces nothing of value.


 Yes I do agree with you. I told him that if he's tired of his life he should try to do something to make it better. And that I cannot help him and no one else can, except himself. I guess I still have to tell that to him a couple of times to make it sink in. He tells me that he doesn't want to do anything because I'm the only one that makes him happy (or rather keeps him entertained, idk) and that I alone will suffice. Oh and he wants me to leave my job because although we're working in the same country we're at separate cities so we're not living together. He wants me to look for a job at the same city he's in so that I can move in with him (together with his friends because he just rents a bedspace) so that he can stop feeling lonely and bored. I don't want to leave my job yet because of the recession and because I've been working in this company for a long time now. Besides I don't want to babysit a couple of guys with almost the same attitude as he is... I do visit him at weekends (and do the cooking, ironing, cleaning etc, and the room is always a total mess). It makes me wonder if he truly longs for my company as he swears to me he does or if he just wants me to babysit him.... I told him I'll move in with him if he's willing to find our own place. He agreed, but still has to bring with us his best buddy. I think he didn't get the term "our own" place. Sorry for always writing unnecessary details. I just need to breathe it out I guess.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ZMR. Well said. I’d be interested in knowing which country your are from but if you don’t want to share no worries.

I go back to my post about change. It’s hard enough to change ourselves even when we have the will, motivation and optimism to do so.

Trying to change a person who doesn’t want to change is impossible. In fact it can make the very behaviour you want to change in the other person very much more ingrained. They become brittle and even more stubborn in their ways and can actually “amplify” the behaviour you’re trying to change.

Now if someone wants to change and asks for your help, that’s a whole different ball game.

There are some excellent life coaches out around. They always have a caveat. They will not even attempt to help someone change who doesn’t want to change. In fact they ask a lot of money up front as a sign of that person’s commitment to change.

Bob


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Now if someone wants to change and asks for your help, that’s a whole different ball game.
> 
> Bob


Thanks, I do understand that. Well, he mentioned to me before he's tired of his life now and he wants his life to change... But when I told him he should change first, he is unwilling. I'm not sure if he's giving it a thought though...that's why I want to give him a little more push so to speak. I think he believe his life will change if he does a different activity rather than changing himself. He wants to transfer to a different company (he hasn't completed a year yet with his current job and his contract is still for 3 years) because he's frustrated about the salary. He gets envious of people with the same job as he is but getting a much more decent pay (that's because they've been here for years). He's complaining about no matter how he works hard his salary isn't enough, he can't even buy the things he wants (he has a long list believe me and none of them profitable, only electronics and other stuff). I tell him it's because he doesn't know how to save, but of course he doesn't believe what I say. That's when I started asking him about his plans about the future and was surprised to find he had none in mind. It was the first time we talked about this because he always avoid talking about serious stuff. I always thought he had some goals or ambitions but I found out he just wants a bigger salary so he can enjoy life in his own way. But it is also possible he has other plans he just doesn't want to share because there are times he's like that. I would learn about his other plans only after a heated argument. I noticed he feels uncomfortable talking to me about his inner thoughts, maybe it makes him feel vulnerable.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ZMR said:


> Thanks, I do understand that. Well, he mentioned to me before he's tired of his life now and he wants his life to change... But when I told him he should change first, he is unwilling. I'm not sure if he's giving it a thought though...that's why I want to give him a little more push so to speak. I think he believe his life will change if he does a different activity rather than changing himself. He wants to transfer to a different company (he hasn't completed a year yet with his current job and his contract is still for 3 years) because he's frustrated about the salary. He gets envious of people with the same job as he is but getting a much more decent pay (that's because they've been here for years). He's complaining about no matter how he works hard his salary isn't enough, he can't even buy the things he wants (he has a long list believe me and none of them profitable, only electronics and other stuff). I tell him it's because he doesn't know how to save, but of course he doesn't believe what I say. That's when I started asking him about his plans about the future and was surprised to find he had none in mind. It was the first time we talked about this because he always avoid talking about serious stuff. I always thought he had some goals or ambitions but I found out he just wants a bigger salary so he can enjoy life in his own way. But it is also possible he has other plans he just doesn't want to share because there are times he's like that. I would learn about his other plans only after a heated argument. I noticed he feels uncomfortable talking to me about his inner thoughts, maybe it makes him feel vulnerable.


.... or maybe he's totally deluding you.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he truly wanted his mate to live with him, he'd get off his dead wazzoo and secure a nest of their own. If he valued time with you, he'd clean his little cubby hole up himself so you two could spend time together instead of you spending time cleaning up his space. It's great that you "make him happy" but what is he bringing to the banquet for you? He isn't 10 and he doesn't need to be tucked in at night. You need and deserve a responsible man. If you were interested in babysitting, you could hire yourself out for that purpose and receive pay for your labor. Santa Claus is dead. There is no free ride. If he wants a quality woman, he'll prove himself to be a quality man. I would set a timetable for myself. I would agree to stick with this clown for ___ weeks or months and if he showed no motivation or significant improvement, I'd extricate myself from his little "Wayne's World" scenario. Acting 10 isn't all that cute when kids really are 10. It's not remotely cute at 30 or 40.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> .... or maybe he's totally deluding you.
> 
> Bob


That's possible too. But still I want to put my faith in him. Huh, I'm slowly realizing my way of thinking is probably the source of the problem. Well I'm quite better now after talking to you guys. For now I'll just do what I always do, when things get worse leave it to God to handle the dirty stuff. I bet if God has a temper like a normal person has, he is starting to hate me right now....I'm not even religious.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Acting 10 isn't all that cute when kids really are 10. It's not remotely cute at 30 or 40.


I don't know why this part made me smile heheh, I guess you read my mind. Thanks for your opinion.
There are times he acts his age , I mean he sometimes thinks and handles things more maturely than I do which he should since he's 3 years older than me. And there are times it's the exact opposite. Which is which? Idk.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Most people remain lazy only because they can. If his "friend" tossed him out, he'd find a way to get his own place. When he needed more money than his piece of nothing job pays, he'd find a way to secure a better job. If you didn't clean his heap up, he'd eventually do it himself. If getting his head pulled out of his rear was made a condition for spending time with you, he might find himself motivated to do exactly that. If I were willing to pay all my 30 year old son's bills and clean up after him and feed him, he'd still be living under my roof. I started telling him, "no" and what do you know? He grew up. A parasite cannot exist without a host.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Most people remain lazy only because they can. If his "friend" tossed him out, he'd find a way to get his own place. When he needed more money than his piece of nothing job pays, he'd find a way to secure a better job. If you didn't clean his heap up, he'd eventually do it himself. If getting his head pulled out of his rear was made a condition for spending time with you, he might find himself motivated to do exactly that. If I were willing to pay all my 30 year old son's bills and clean up after him and feed him, he'd still be living under my roof. I started telling him, "no" and what do you know? He grew up. A parasite cannot exist without a host.


Hmm, ok I got the idea.. I like your suggestion although by doing that I'm pretty sure he'll get mad and will claim that I do not love him and we'll start not talking again for weeks or perhaps for months....he does act like a ten year old. Before our marriage we maintained a long distance relationship that is probably the reason why I didn't noticed his childishness before. Or I may have noticed but just brushed it off. Well I'll give this a try and see how it'll turn out. 

He's not lazy though, his friends are the ones who don't clean up, but my husband is always kind to everyone especially towards his friends. He would ask me to clean up their place while they're gone (all of them are working on shifting hours) or if I would have to cook for him I have to cook for everyone since they're living under the same roof. And if I said no, he tells me I'm acting unreasonable. And when I'm there is the only time he acts lazy and spoiled so I probably have been fueling this behavior of his. I'll try to be stern with him from now on.


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## JennaL10 (Oct 19, 2010)

You cannot change a person. It's impossible! What you do need is a professional counselor to mediate this problem you have. I don't think anything you say might get through to him. If either of you do not have an addiction problem, then this marriage might work with help in the beginning. I don't think you can do this alone. If all fails, then I hope you don't rule out divorce. Don't suffer in the marriage and end up being a bitter mother/person.


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## ZMR (Nov 25, 2010)

JennaL10 said:


> You cannot change a person. It's impossible! What you do need is a professional counselor to mediate this problem you have. I don't think anything you say might get through to him. If either of you do not have an addiction problem, then this marriage might work with help in the beginning. I don't think you can do this alone. If all fails, then I hope you don't rule out divorce. Don't suffer in the marriage and end up being a bitter mother/person.


Thanks Jenna. Yes, yes, I am now considering it after everyone seems to tell me that it probably might end ugly. Still it's going to be my very last option, just like you said...when all else fails.
Besides, I've been reading other people's posts and there were men who claimed they have changed, but usually because their wife had already left them and they're regretting. Ain't it possible to wake them up before it's too late, I mean it's such a waste throwing away everything just because they did not realize what the problem was.


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## Invictus (Nov 14, 2010)

ZMR said:


> Besides, I've been reading other people's posts and there were men who claimed they have changed, but usually because their wife had already left them and they're regretting. Ain't it possible to wake them up before it's too late, I mean it's such a waste throwing away everything just because they did not realize what the problem was.


I have to comment on this part of your last post. I would say, with a fairly high level of confidence, that the wives of these men tried talking to them about their problems many times before they left. The wives probably found themselves in the exact same situation as you are in right now. I'm sure leaving their husbands was the last thing they wanted to do as well, but they learned the hard way that there was no other option for them. You may find you discover that same thing.

Is it possible for people to "wake up" before it's too late? Of course it is. The question is, however, what will it take for that to happen? In most cases, simply talking will not work. In a lot of cases, counseling helps. Sadly, in others, it takes a really bad event to finally happen before someone will open their eyes. But the truth is, in other cases, nothing helps. Yes, some people will finally "see" where they went wrong after they've lost everything, but even that doesn't always do the trick. Some people never "see" and never change. Difficult to accept, I know, but true nonetheless.

I guess this all takes me back to the point I made earlier. You can try talking to your husband until the end of time. But, until you are ready to follow through with more aggressive approaches such as requiring counseling or being willing to walk away from the marriage, you are going to be spending a lot of time stuck right where you are.

I really do wish you all the best.


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## JennaL10 (Oct 19, 2010)

Divorce should be the last option. It is incredibly hard to take that path. Just do your part. If you need to change, then do it - for instance, if you need to build your confidence, then do it. Focus on yourself. Who you see as your counselor is really important too. Our counselor is providing us with communication tools - he doesn't try to change us at all! He doesn't even give his opinion. It's quite amazing what he is doing. So different. No wonder my husband is not complaining! Bringing up divorce as an option on my part was a wake-up call for my husband. But did he change? Nope. The only thing that he did was to see a counselor willingly with me. So that's a start! I also have to focus on myself so that I am wanted and needed in the relationship - and not somebody my husband would love to get rid off!


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## shellbellstar (Dec 1, 2010)

Have you tried asking him to sit down with you and make goals for the both of you together? I think sometimes when someone is faced with such an uncertainty i.e. the future, it helps them if they know for sure someone is there helping them.


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## hiyouitisme (Oct 12, 2011)

** Not making light but....I think I need help with that too!!


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