# So lost, and no one to talk too



## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

Hi there I will tell you a bit about our marriage

I married my husband 4 years ago. He proposed after I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. I am now 5 months pregnant with our third child. Over the last 4 years I have noticed in my spouse, maybe some mental issues. He is always having moodswings, and he gets really mad at me for little things. 

About 7 months ago I was considering leaving. I just wanted to have a life away from him, and he didnt let that happen easily. I wanted to have a life with friends that didnt involve him becasue I was feeling like I could never do anything right, and was always in trouble with him.

I have never agreed with porn or strippers, and he says he never agreed with it either. He vowed he was not like that, and he would often come home from work and tell me stories about some of his coworkers, watching porn and going and sleeping with strippers while they were married. I never have had any trust problems, and never kept him at home. If he wanted to go have drinks with his friends, I understood, that its nice to unwind from work, and a 3 and 2 year old.

7 months ago I caught him looking at porn. My first reaction was I was mad, his first reaction was denial. Once he admited it, I forgave him and I do know as a man temptation is always there.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant with the third, I vowed to myself I would keeping giving my all in our marriage. He was thrilled I was pregnant as he knew I was having thoughts of leaving and my social life will end, during the pregnancy. 

This past week has been weird. He has been distant, and working alot. I suppose it is possible for him to be tired from work and that.

Last night he went out of town to work, I asked him if he was drinking with his friends, away and he says yes that they have alot to talk about there company so they will go to a pub in the city he was in and have some beers. I said okay have fun and no strippers, just kidding around. I guess sub consious I was worried, because of the way things were going. He said of course not! I never heard from him for a few hours and it was late, so I thought I'd call him and say goodnight. Well he anwsers the phone and all I can hear is loud music the song "I like the way your booty bounces" and a bunch of men screaming. So I told him to go outside to talk to me. I confronted him about being at a stripclub, and he denied it and kept hanging up on me, so I kept calling and finally got through, and I could tell he was outside, and he still kept dening everything. I heard some of his coworkers talking about the black and white girls, and comparing them. So I said im not stupid...after him hanging up and me calling about 5 more times. He finaly said well we were near a strip club, I said 'NEAR?" and he said yes I didnt feel comfortable, then I heard a bunch of girls in the backround and he hung up. Finaly he anwsered when he was in his hotel, (so I think) and said he was going to bed. I said fine goodnight. I have not heard from him, and I have no intentions of calling him. 

Just so you all know, this from what I know has never happened before. He has never been the type to ignore me or hang up on me like that. I just cant beileve this all. I am the type of person, where I dont take this kind of behaviour lighly. I am sitting at home with our 2 daughters and 5 months pregnant, and your out doing your thing. With him not even making an effort it hurts.

I feel like I want out, this problem seems to be confirming it for me. I am scared to death to leave. I am scared of being a single mom with 3 kids. I just dont know what to do, but I feel like there is only one thing to do...Please help. Thank you


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## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

17 views and responces  please help!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

This is all I'm gonna say ~People treat you the way you allow them to~ Because of your children, I say ask him to go to marriage counceling with you....and try to get to the bottom of it. Men usually don't like that idea because they think it's a sign of weakness or there is something wrong with him. But try...good luck honey, I'll be praying for you!


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## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

Thank you for your responce. I know what you mean, people treat you the way they allow them too. I am not putting up with it. He has now called a few times and has texted me, but I cant bring myself to talk to him...not now.


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## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

As I started cleaning my house, after I wrote the last post I thought about what you said. Becasue we have children he should see a therapist. If we didnt have children, I should leave him? I understand that in this day and age so many familys break up and the kids suffer, but the kids also suffer in an unstable or unloving home. I understand sacrficing for my children, but does this means that i just need to hope for the best. Why should I deal with this, becasue we have children. I was raised by a single mother and that is why I am so afraid, I wanted my kids to have a stable family. But when do the sacrfices hurt my image as a woman. Am I saying to my daughters this is okay the way a man treats you...im so lost


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Here's a man's take on it.
1. We look at porn. It's not because we don't love our wives or think that they are beautiful. We like to look at naked women. That's it. No more, no less.
2. We like stripper clubs (we used to call them "titty bars" in my day). See reasons for looking at porn.

I have been married for 30 years. I look at porn. I no longer go to titty bars because the drinks cost too much and the music sucks.
My wife knows that I look at porn and she knew when I was going to titty bars when we were young.

I think a lot of women put way, way to much stock in their husbands looking at naked women that the men can never ever touch.


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## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

I understand that some men look at porn and go to strippers. But when a man, sits there and talks about how degrading it is, talks about how disgusting it is and tells me that he WOULD never do that. He is a man of God, he is more religous then I am. Dont lie to your wife, say I am not at a stripclub but you are! In my eyes and what was in (so I thought) his eyes it is gross, and disrespectful for woman. He tells me about his coworkers cheating on there wives, with strippers, then lies to me and goes out with his coworkers to stripclubs. Was my h intoxicated, yes! Can anyone make bad desicions becasue there intoxicated and have naked woman around them YES. I understand some relationships are okay with that. But I am not. I consider myself to be a very attractive woman, I have even had a boob job for crying out loud (kids left me with nothing), why does he have to go, LIE about it when he has a trophy wife at home. I dont mean to toot my own horn, but I just cant get it...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I do agree that the lying is wrong.
Do you think that he knew of your take on the porn and therefore didn't want to tell you?
My wife is also very fit, very beautiful and still looks fantastic in a bikini. I still like to look at naked girls.


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## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

Also did you lie to your wife about it or was it just open? Men dont understand how that makes her feel. Like I am not good enough for you. Guys are sexual/physical yes! Woman are emotional yes! It would be like a woman having an emotional affair. You are lusting at another woman becasue she is naked becasue you are sexual and physical, would you be okay for your wife to have an emotional affair with another man becasue she is emotional...I think not


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## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

my biggest thing is to my H is dont make me beileve your someone your not! I am not putting up with it, and becasue of his decisions I will give him all the time in the world to look at naked girls. I also want to state that we have had alot of problems leading up to this, that is unrelated. Example no commuincation and emotional abuse


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Here's another man's take on it: many of us don't look at porn because it can make us lose focus on what's really important to us, and we don't go to strip clubs because it of our committments to our wives. Especially if we are religious.

Still, the allure is there, and possibly in a way that some women just can't understand.

Your husband says he is religious, but he is apparently struggling with this issue. Please try not to take it as a personal assault. It's his issue, not yours. As a guy, I can assure you that it has nothing to do with you, and if you really want it to work out with him, communicating to him that you find him repulsive for this might be counterproductive in the long run. That doesn't mean you have to accept it, however.

I'd strongly recommend couseling if you two can find one that you both trust, but maybe he needs to do a better job of choosing his friends? I travel quite a bit, but am not afraid to tell my coworkers that I'll choose different outlets for fun. For us, its almost a joke: some go to the clubs, others of us hit the gym in the really rare nights that we are not being hosted by those we visit.


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## Mercades (Oct 13, 2010)

I agree with you. The thing that troubles me is that, before I got pregnant this last time, if I went out with friends, he constantly lectured me on where i was going, who I am with and what I am wearing. He will call repeately until I come home, or he will just give me the silent treatment for days. So why is it, when I go out with my friends, and have never done anything to break his trust, or give him any reason to beileve I was doing something he didnt approve of, he comes down on me? But I give him all the freedom in the world, never second guess anything, encourage him to go do "guy" things (that dont include naked girls), I get burnt? 

I am not a jealous person, but with the lies and his hurtful actions, it makes me not trust him. If there was a different approch say he called me and said he was thinking of going to watch the strippers, yes I would have been upset, but for him to lie and hangup on me constantly is way worse. He was out having a "good time" and I am at home crying not knowing if he is screwing one of the girls at the stripclub.

I dont want to live my life, always wondering what he is doing. I dont want to be checking his phone, or wondering why he is treating me differently. That is not me! I am not that kind of person, but becasuse there is some trust broken, I feel thats the only way I can be.

In my eyes a marriage is that two people become one. When there is some kind of "lust" weather it is naked girls or an emotional affair, there is not a whole. The other person is swaying. Society so accepts pornogaphy, and strippers as a good and healthy thing, but I beileve it is just all an excuse so they can do it. I cheer you guys on for at least admitting you watch other woman, but for my H to deny it and state he would never just makes him a hyprocryte and a liar. If he has a problem he should get help or talk to me about it. 

He is not there for me emotionaly, and if I came on here saying I found another man that is..you would all think I am a skanky wife, but for a man to get aroused to another woman is okay. Things do lead to other things, I beileve its only the start.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Mercades said:


> Also did you lie to your wife about it or was it just open? Men dont understand how that makes her feel. Like I am not good enough for you. Guys are sexual/physical yes! Woman are emotional yes! It would be like a woman having an emotional affair. You are lusting at another woman becasue she is naked becasue you are sexual and physical, would you be okay for your wife to have an emotional affair with another man becasue she is emotional...I think not


There have never been any lies regarding my looking at porn or going to titty bars with the guys.
I think I remember at one time my wife being the duty driver for a bunch of us on a titty bar night.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In your eyes, your H is a "man of God". In reality, he's a struggling sinner like the rest of us mortals. Yes, he may occasionally tell you a lie to avoid massive drama or to avoid hurting your feelings. Doesn't necessarily mean you've married an evil guy. Every straight man who ever responded in the affirmative when his wife asked if he wanted to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond is technically a liar. Most of us had sense enough to lie when our wives asked if they looked "fat". Even decent people can lie. I never saw the attraction of strip bars, but I had to visit them frequently while working undercover narcotics. I think if you're worried that your husband might have sex with another woman, a strip bar is probably a safer place for him to drink than in most others. 
If the plan is to dump him and find a straight man who doesn't like the sight of naked women, I think your plan has little chance for success. We don't all get into porn or go to strip clubs, but those of us who aren't visually impaired do notice and appreciate sexy women. If he has to lie and pretend he doesn't, it's because someone taught him that lying is preferrable to the truth. As I said, I don't go to strip clubs, but I know if I decided to go to one, I could truthfully report that fact to my wife and she wouldn't come unglued and threaten to leave me.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

Hi, Mercades.
Please read my thread:http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/13986-can-i-live-suspicions-truth.html
I feel your pain. I hope this won't be too long, but I would like to address several issues, going back through your posts:

My Hubby also had terrible mood swings, while he was struggling with his infidelities in our relationship. Not saying this is your case, but you may want to investigate, like I did, to see if there is a deeper problem. In my case, it was almost 5 years of strip clubs, lying about his whereabouts.

We had also had previous discussions on this, and agreed that it was not something that we were comfortable with. Yes, it was more me than him, but I was aware of him looking up porn, and we used to watch adult movies together, before we had kids. HOWEVER, I did object when I found escort sites, and more and more porn on his puter history. GUYS...don't agree to something if you are not willing to commit to it!

HE LIED TO YOU, AND BETRAYED YOUR TRUST. HE CHEATED ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP, *AND* HE GOT CAUGHT! I caught mine when he carelessly charged strip clubs on our card. You no longer trust him. DO NOT feel guilty about that! HE has to fix that. Do NOT feel bad, about checking accounts, records, etc. This is part of the proof that he is no longer straying. You may suspect him, every time he leaves the house. It may take some time, to believe he is where he is telling you. HE will need to learn EMPATHY for what you are feeling. I still suffer the pangs of suspicion, but I am better prepared to deal with them, and he is better at reassuring me.

DO NOT RUN AWAY FROM YOUR MARRIAGE....but do run to a marriage counselor!! Ours has helped us tremendously, to work on putting our marriage back on track. It has been almost 6 months, and we do still have a ways to go. I told my Hubby straight up: "I may take some of the blame for things being wrong in our relationship, but I REFUSE to take blame for decisions you have made". He realized quickly, how seriously he damaged our marriage, and did not resist counseling at all.

My kids are 20 and 15. They know we are going to therapy, but they do not know the details. They know we are going to learn how to communicate better and treat each other better. My youngest even asked if we could go to family therapy, because he sees the improvement between Hubby and I. Your kids are very young...they may never know about the specifics of this period in your marriage, but they may see each of you working on your relationship, and THAT'S what they can learn.

My Hubby has now turned down several business meetings, where, in the past, he had used them as a front for his escapades. He is no longer involved in his weekly pasttime, which was also used for this. Funny, he doesn't complain about not doing any of these things-things he cold not miss, before. Our therapist suggested sex addiction counseling, and I think that scared him. He has decided, and I support him, to work on this without an additional therapist. I wrote a lengthy letter, which I read in therapy, expressing my deep feelings, and how I wanted to go forward. One of those things was for him to not put himself in the positions that allowed him an alibi for cheating(yes, he was cheating!) He now understands that, IF this happens again, I walk.

I do not know, and may never know, if he had physical relations with any of these women. Through therapy, I decided to move forward from this point, without knowing more. I already knew enough, for now.

Before I wed my previous husband(I was widowed), I learned, in pre-marriage counseling, that the attraction for others may always be there...the maturity in love, is to not act upon those feelings. Some marriages are more open than yours or mine. Bottom line...it has to be mutual consent.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

P.S. Consider being tested for STDs. I did.


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