# Need Advice



## limbo2 (Apr 23, 2013)

hello out there.
i am not sure where i am posting this just would like to have a conversation.. I have been married for almost 20yrs. about 3 were good. I did not know this although had suspicions . my wife had an affair for about 13 yrs of our marriage. started w a guy she worked with and one thing led to the next. Apparently they say women stray because of a lack of emotional support?
I sure wish i knew wher i went wrong. Not surei twas real because of me though.. I think it reall was her and her upbringing. Her father cheated on her mother.. although they thought dad was cool. i think he tried his hardest to be a good dad ..out of guilt for what he did to the family .. they saw it as he was a good dad and a cool dad.. now they dont even talk to him.l
She has always had this so called pattern of dating a boy friend for a few years them meet someone else cheat on them to be with the other guy.. unfortunately i think that overlapped into the marriage. I am so mentally stressed and am not my self and lately it had has gotten worse. to the point where i need answers and do not know what to do next . i have tried desperately to fix it . therapy, reading books ,mort fertel kevin johnson it goes on and on. she shows no remorse and no emotin and is so unhappy and angry and resents me . because i told Everybody... i told her mother my mom her dad her brother my sis in law and a few other friends. that not everybody ,, abd what else was i supposed to do hold it in? not act like it happened? i was devasted angry. felt inadequate as a man. i guess he was bigger and better? typical male thought there. maybe he was. but how did i miss the emotional sign? what can i do to get to the bottom and fix it .. its the old one more try. i need to exhaust every option until i quit.. any body have any suggestions? like have you been through somehting like htis and what are you or have you done about it. thanks


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

limbo2 said:


> ...
> I sure wish i knew wher i went wrong. ... thanks


Sorry you've gone through so much. But you went wrong when it first started. Your big mistake was to not remove her from your life. 

It's not too late. Do it now. Say adios to your roommate. 

How are your finances? Any kids at home?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

13yrs of cheating, a remorseless wife and you still want to try all the options to be with her before you quit. 

Actually, do you have any deal breaker in a marriage?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

limbo2 said:


> hello out there.
> i am not sure where i am posting this just would like to have a conversation.. I have been married for almost 20yrs. about 3 were good. I did not know this although had suspicions . my wife had an affair for about 13 yrs of our marriage. started w a guy she worked with and one thing led to the next. Apparently they say women stray because of a lack of emotional support?
> I sure wish i knew wher i went wrong. Not surei twas real because of me though.. I think it reall was her and her upbringing. Her father cheated on her mother.. although they thought dad was cool. i think he tried his hardest to be a good dad ..out of guilt for what he did to the family .. they saw it as he was a good dad and a cool dad.. now they dont even talk to him.l
> She has always had this so called pattern of dating a boy friend for a few years them meet someone else cheat on them to be with the other guy.. unfortunately i think that overlapped into the marriage. I am so mentally stressed and am not my self and lately it had has gotten worse. to the point where i need answers and do not know what to do next . i have tried desperately to fix it . therapy, reading books ,mort fertel kevin johnson it goes on and on. she shows no remorse and no emotin and is so unhappy and angry and resents me . because i told Everybody... i told her mother my mom her dad her brother my sis in law and a few other friends. that not everybody ,, abd what else was i supposed to do hold it in? not act like it happened? i was devasted angry. felt inadequate as a man. i guess he was bigger and better? typical male thought there. maybe he was. but how did i miss the emotional sign? what can i do to get to the bottom and fix it .. its the old one more try. i need to exhaust every option until i quit.. any body have any suggestions? like have you been through somehting like htis and what are you or have you done about it. thanks


One this is not your fault. Cheating for 13 years is beyond inexcusable. She lied manipulated you and has been using you to proovide a safe home for her to comeback to after servicing her Affair Partners. There is no way after 13 years that she is capable of being faithful. You need to end your suffering and move on. IN order for a marriage to work both people have to fight for the marraige. You are fighting your wife is out sleeping with other men. Your marriage is broken and not worth your time. Your wife has to do the hard work, stop cheating, show you that she wants to be faithful, cut all ties with the OM, and other things that are hard. She is doing none of them and your actions are just dragging out the pain. 
You need to let her go and focus on what you need to be happy. You don't need a human leech that sucks your emotions dry. You need someone who respects you and is willing to be a good wife and lover to YOU. Given the length of time you are not looking at one affair. I can guarantee there is a whole string of affairs that you will have to forgive your wife for.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

13 years? You may have just struck the veterans here speechless.

This is well beyond unforgivable. I suppose I have to accept that there are people in the world who do this, but it's hard.

Please go find a good life for yourself. To say she doesn't deserve any more effort from you doesn't begin to cover it. This is truly despicable.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

limbo2 said:


> my wife had an affair for about 13 yrs of our marriage.
> Are you saying she cheated for 13 years out of the 20 you have been married?
> 
> i have tried desperately to fix it . therapy, reading books ,mort fertel kevin johnson it goes on and on.
> ...


I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, I am sure you will get many responses - some will be difficult to take. Keep in mind the posters have been in your shoes, and they are giving you the advice they wish someone had given them, and trying to spare you the mistakes they made.


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## Surfermiquel (Apr 22, 2013)

I am so sorry for your pain.

After 13 years its no longer an affair but relationship.

Its been filled with ups/downs happy/sad and many memories.

Its not just going away as they have build a life together.

Perhaps with much work you can break it, but then there is going to be gap in your wife heart.


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## limbo2 (Apr 23, 2013)

wow thanks for all the replies. kind of what i thought. well to answer a few of oyur questions. Yes there are kids 16 and 14 girl and boy. I have heard its worse to stay and try the kids know.. i just want to be there for them . so they have some sort of stability.. no finances are not great. 
We tried counseling but she thought it was a joke and at somepoint it was going so well the lady released us. and it did go ok for a while then back to just crap and anger. 
HEy I am no perfect husband either. not that i have cheated .. oh i wanted to trust me. but i can out class her any day.. she is the devil in my mind.. and perhaps by polar.. but i digress. she did this off and on. over 13 yrs . i think perhaps somehow she is stil speaking with him once in a while .. She has disconnected GFs too.. i call the angry wives club. try to have humor in this once in while where else can it go.. all her friends wish they had a husband like me. . i am sure they think what the heck is so bad about him? Anyway i always out of anger and some down bad days spit the affair in her face... oh maybe your boyfriend this or that. trust me i do reminder her. and then when she drinks herself silly it is a different person. like mulitple personalty.. Like who am i speaking with now.. She has this image of a fantasy world. she lives in the past. and her past decisions she made all come out and it turns into a whoa is me. part for her. i wish you all could hear it or i could tape it some how. ..I grew up where my parents were best friends. they had their bumps in the road too , but no infidelity. I lived a pretty normal life. and am thankful for that. my kids deserve that too.. my daughter. is messed up from it.. they bump heads every other week about something.. and i am finaly coming to the realization you cant talk sense to a drunk person...it gets ugly sometimes. its just such a roller coaster.. and whoever said it may have been more than one affair ? she says no but i think perhaps there were a couple of others that were just hook ups . but she denies it.. i am so numb to it i dont care. maybe i will just go find someone else and when i do it will make it easier to leave. she has even said in her drunken state. go ahead get a girlfriend. or we have this one friend whose husband cheated on her.. she is a good friend and has morals . she is still technically married. but threw him out.. my wife was like. if so and so did not smoke so much(i hate smoke)( my wife smokes when she drinks....) if so and so did not smoke would you dig her more.? yeah like really do you want me to just go hook up with her and let you know..? what the ???? My wife will not go to counseling.. ithink it is because all the crap she has stored up inside her will make her fell like well crap... she cannot face the truth or wants to hear the truth about herself and her father. etc... she tries to ecsape it. she is a coward much like the OM... I think leaving is theonly way. I would hate it as being a kid now to hear dad has left.. wow what a pull your heart out of your chest feeling that would be.. i can imaging the feeling of what my kids would feel .. it just hurts. me to think about it.. i guess i do not want to face the truth either. but i am going to keep battling. if i have the strength.. would it not be easier just to go meet some one tell them my story and if they are really patient and care enought ot wait and walk with me through the BS,, would that be good .. if I find someone like that . I d marry her on the spot . that is a good woman.. any of them out there??


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## limbo2 (Apr 23, 2013)

maybe i should write a blog. or get a reality show. have actors act out the details. and then bring it to present day with the real victims. and then the whole world sees my pain and can relate.
then it goes to a talk show and wham im famous and she is ridiculed and embarrassed. It really is disgusting what she has done. what a loser. I blame it on her parents.. who are divorced.. mom remarried but her husband is a AH and a pervert.
and the father. cheated on the mom married the culprit then she truned itno the step monster. got divorced .. dated my wifes best friend from HS !!! oh it gets better.. They get married.. and divorced. then dates a woman ( great lady for 8 yrs.) they break up couple women here and there ... Confusing for my kids.,,, then dates and marries another woman 20yrs younger. and has a kid with her... my kids uncle is 5 yrs old now... reallly???? yeah i thought i was F 'd up? wwwwhhhhhooooooa!


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## limbo2 (Apr 23, 2013)

ooh good one there. but how did your dad get the kids. IN nj they have these mean spiteful terrble attorneys that are geared towrds everything going to the woman... i have no chance of that. oh did I mention she does not work? 16 yrs we decided that she would stay home to raise out kids. well they are teenagers now and she is lamenting about the fact that she cant get a job.. wow. really ? 
when she drinks she says I could be an escort.. im like WHAT?? that is a prostitution.. she 's like oh not that kind just you knwo someone who needs a date to a function. yup dysfunctional is a great word... you see I feel sorry for her. she needs help not me .. she wont do it though.. guess i should thrwo out an ultimatum there huh?


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Sorry pal but after all these years your real problem here is that you've become institutionalised to living like this, no matter what you simply have to get out.

Your kids must be at an age where there wishes on who to live with would be taken into account in the event of a split.

Get some legal advice.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have to calmly extract yourself from this Jerry Springer drama.

Your W has had a boyfriend through most of your marriage. She appears to be a drunk. Your children are at an age where they can choose who they want to live with.

Just get that divorce and restart your life. If you want a woman who won't be sleeping with another man the whole time she is married to you, there are many millions out there. The bar is set very low.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Good Lord man.

Even if you suffer financialy from this I'd have to get out this dysfunction. Almost all the marriage is a complete sham.
Unrepetant, refuses even to face the horror, poor me attitude, alcoholic, weighting to become a hooker?

Please man. Get out of there. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. How much time are you willing to put yourself there? It because of the kids? Any chances things will improve for your kids, for you? Do you ave at least a reasonable exit plan?
When DDay happened? How did you find out?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Try your best. Video tape her, document her rants, her delusions.

Do your kids have any idea?


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## limbo2 (Apr 23, 2013)

yeah i found out one day because my wife and i used to have the same model cell phone. hers went hey wire. and mine still worked so i let her borrow mine.. yeah little did I know she borrowed it to text her BF. this was going on 5yrs ago kids were still kind of young. So one day grab the cell that looked like mine start to go to text my buddy about work. and then i saw all these texts that were not for me and whoa this was my wife's phone and i could not believe what I was reading holy cow really what is going on here. my wife is sending text to wo ever and he is replying and in all the sxy ways i would have. but only it was not me.. she was not home at the time.
so unexpectingly she drives home with kids and my neice in car.. she gets out like nothing is going on. you know the usual hey whats up.. im like not much whats up with you and do you want to tell me who you have been texting like this? my kids were right there.. my mistake.. then all hell broke loose well not really .. i was relatively calm. then the beers come out on her part... I had one as well.... it just got worse because i needed details then.. and it got worse where i was breaking down on a daily basis and lost a otn of weight. from the stress. good diet if you can stomach it..my world was shattered. not as shocked as i thought i would be .. i did have suspiciaons over the years . but his validated it.. what i had been in denial about was actually true. One thing i learned go with the gut.. plus I think i have a little gift of "knowing things" but try to ignore it.. I mean i was lost . and would just hear a dam song on the radio. and its like oh they listened to this song together .. oh yeah do they have a song that reminds them of being together. i mean all this crap.. some of it still plagues me today..alot has worn off and i am stronger but my depressed bi polar wife has a radiational affect on all of us .. much like her father ,,,no.thing is her fault... she can't accept her own responsibilities of what she did. it is sad She is a beautiful woman and if you met her youd be like really ? what is this guy talking about she is great. she has a good heart and she tries. but man she hates me and is angry and resentful.. she is gonna miss me when i m gone.. i think that will knock her back to reality and how she wrecked the family unfortuantly i see her attempting suicide if that were to happen.. and that would be unfortunate. she may thik she will be happier but she knows she singlhandedly ruined a family with such promise of fun..ect. sad to say the least brings me to tears thinking about it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You should talk with an attorney - in some states, after a certain age, the children can decide which parent they want to live with. In my state, it's 14 yrs old.


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## limbo2 (Apr 23, 2013)

14 and 16 in nj not sure how that works. but i will find out. i would ideally want her out of house and keep house where they are safe and warm and comfortable. all their friends live here too.. i guess i would have to buy her out of house.. hell she would get off easy. but we would all be happier. waht an AH she is.. cant believe this crap.. whoever asked me if i could prove her affairs.? perhaps i can i did find another phone she had bought or prepaid for after i found out..about the texts on her regualr phone.. she was so stupid about it.. drunk of course she pulls out this other phone and syas oh this is her cousin tommy's phone. so and he left the party we were at a family reunion. so in the next couple of days i mentioned to her mom and to her .did you ever give tommy his phone back .. my wife looked at me and said i dont have tommy;s phone.. and the mother looked at me all confuse to.. so i went digging and found the phone an looked at texts lo and behold she thought she'd get away with it.. another prepaid phone. hhmmm so i took phone smashed it in pieces and gave it to her.. oh and before that took out mem card i still have it!!! since then it has been contact thru her enabler friend from child hood.. she is a ***** too.. my wife has all disconnected friends. crazt how she goes to her ocmfort zone.. the path of least resistence. she is a true coward stay away from the truth.. i told here.. it will come up and bite you in the a$$ when you least expect it .. then you will realize what you did imapcted many and you will break down and feel awfull and may never come out of it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If you get custody, you will most likely get to keep the house as judge's prefer to disrupt the childrens' lives as little as possible. There are ways to work around giving her half the equity in the house - at least until the children reach 18 years of age. Talk to an attorney ASAP - a good one, one that specializes in divorce cases.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Check with an attorney. Sorry op, i would file and rebuild my life minus the cheating I remorseful unkind spouse. I had one of those and trust me when I say that life is much better without her. Think about the example you want to set for your kids also 

Your home life does not sound like a healthy environment for the kids as is. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

This situation is so messed up there is only one option. Divorce. If you can't divorce because of the finances file for seperation. Seperate your finances. Stop giving her any money. Cut yourself off from her as much as you can. When the kids turn 18 disappear.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

limbo2 said:


> wow thanks for all the replies. kind of what i thought. well to answer a few of oyur questions. Yes there are kids 16 and 14 girl and boy. I have heard its worse to stay and try the kids know.. i just want to be there for them . so they have some sort of stability.. no finances are not great.
> We tried counseling but she thought it was a joke and at somepoint it was going so well the lady released us. and it did go ok for a while then back to just crap and anger.
> HEy I am no perfect husband either. not that i have cheated .. oh i wanted to trust me. but i can out class her any day.. she is the devil in my mind.. and perhaps by polar.. but i digress. she did this off and on. over 13 yrs . i think perhaps somehow she is stil speaking with him once in a while .. She has disconnected GFs too.. i call the angry wives club. try to have humor in this once in while where else can it go.. *all her friends wish they had a husband like me. *. i am sure they think what the heck is so bad about him? Anyway i always out of anger and some down bad days spit the affair in her face... oh maybe your boyfriend this or that. trust me i do reminder her. and then when she drinks herself silly it is a different person. like mulitple personalty.. Like who am i speaking with now.. She has this image of a fantasy world. she lives in the past. and her past decisions she made all come out and it turns into a whoa is me. part for her. i wish you all could hear it or i could tape it some how. ..I grew up where my parents were best friends. they had their bumps in the road too , but no infidelity. I lived a pretty normal life. and am thankful for that. my kids deserve that too.. my daughter. is messed up from it.. they bump heads every other week about something.. and i am finaly coming to the realization you cant talk sense to a drunk person...it gets ugly sometimes. its just such a roller coaster.. and whoever said it may have been more than one affair ? she says no but i think perhaps there were a couple of others that were just hook ups . but she denies it.. i am so numb to it i dont care. maybe i will just go find someone else and when i do it will make it easier to leave. she has even said in her drunken state. go ahead get a girlfriend. or we have this one friend whose husband cheated on her.. she is a good friend and has morals . she is still technically married. but threw him out.. my wife was like. if so and so did not smoke so much(i hate smoke)( my wife smokes when she drinks....) if so and so did not smoke would you dig her more.? yeah like really do you want me to just go hook up with her and let you know..? what the ???? My wife will not go to counseling.. ithink it is because all the crap she has stored up inside her will make her fell like well crap... she cannot face the truth or wants to hear the truth about herself and her father. etc... she tries to ecsape it. she is a coward much like the OM... I think leaving is theonly way. I would hate it as being a kid now to hear dad has left.. wow what a pull your heart out of your chest feeling that would be.. i can imaging the feeling of what my kids would feel .. it just hurts. me to think about it.. i guess i do not want to face the truth either. but i am going to keep battling. if i have the strength.. would it not be easier just to go meet some one tell them my story and if they are really patient and care enought ot wait and walk with me through the BS,, would that be good .. if I find someone like that . I d marry her on the spot . that is a good woman.. any of them out there??



REALLY?

I dont think so, women love to have an active alpha male as their husband only cheaters love to have a passive male.


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