# Wife in EA ? - Need Help



## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

I chanced upon this forum while googling for "how to confront emotional affair". I am quite lost and decided to post my story for some advice.

My wife and I had been married for 10 years, together for 15 years. Several years ago, I discovered a piece of paper with scribbled notes which my wife had written to man (let's call him Mr.A), someone I knew as well. The notes were in bits and pieces, describing how he made her feel the meaning of life and so on. I confronted my wife but she insisted that she and Mr.A did not have an affair.
She said that the notes were just scribblings which she did not show to him. When I threatened to call him and ask, she said that would embarass her. I relented and chose to believe her. They are colleagues (she a flight attendant, he's a pilot). I did not bring up the issue further.

Six months ago, I discovered some sms which suggested that they had coffee together. I tested her by asking when was the last time they met. She mumbled something like 2 months ago, which does not coincide with the timing of the sms. I confronted her and asked her why she lied. She said that since the earlier incident, she was afraid of my reaction if I knew that she met up with Mr.A occasionally. I told her that it's important to tell me the truth and not lie to me. She agreed.

Then four months ago, I chanced upon an sms which she had sent to Mr.A, calling him as her greatest love. This sms was sent about seven months ago, meaning that the timing was before the sms about the coffee. I confronted Mr.A myself and asked him, he assured me that they were not having an affair. He said that he himself was attached with another girl (Ms.A) Then I confronted my wife again and she said that it was probably just a sms which she had sent after a party with some friends which Mr.A also attended. She said it did not mean anything. Again, I relented and chose to believe her.

I had bugged her laptop also but did not find anything suspicous at this time. When I saw some MSN exchanges with her friends in which she voiced her suspicion that I am spying on her, I decided to come clean as I did not want our relationship to be filled with suspicions. I told her and promised that I will stop spying on her, which I did stop.

Last week, I discovered by accident that she had created a secret e-mail account . What happened was that she left her cellphone at home and I saw a reminder on her cellphone with a strange e-mail address and password. I decided to log-on to the e-mail account and discovered that she sent an e-mail to Mr.A. Here are the actual contents of the e-mail.



> :
> deleted
> [Unquote]
> 
> ...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Definitely confront her. She is being emotionally unfaithful. She has another man in her heart beside you. Do you want to share that position? I wouldn't. She has lied to you continuously. Divorce her. Or at least file. She needs a strong message. If you do file. You better be able to back it up. You deserve better. If she won't quit him. Dump her and find someone else to spend your love on.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Guy,

You know the expession, where there is smoke there is fire.

Your relationship is getting ready to "backdraft" on you.

The story is like this, Mr.A is married and has current a girlfriend on the side.

Sounds like your wife could be dessert, and you thrown in the garbage.


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

what's the best way to confront her and get her to admit instead of denying ?


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

my friend do yourself a favor and do'nt beat yourself up! she will never confess to what she is doing if you press her she has to do it herself and even then there is a chance you may never know the whole truth. take this advice from someone who has walked your road you can't force her to addmit to anything. she has to want to admit to it. take care of yourself and be strong!


CPT


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Do only what you are ready to back up. Do not make empty threats. What I would do is sit her down very calmly and say. 

"Honey, I want you to sit down and listen to what I have to say. I am ready to file for divorce. You have continued to be in contact with HIM. You have lied to me continually and I am sick of it. Your man said he wants to grow old with you. Well I hope that's true. Because It would be nice to know you won't be alone. Because based on your lies I won't be there. Now spill it.....Everything.


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Do only what you are ready to back up. Do not make empty threats. What I would do is sit her down very calmly and say.
> 
> "Honey, I want you to sit down and listen to what I have to say. I am ready to file for divorce. You have continued to be in contact with HIM. You have lied to me continually and I am sick of it. Your man said he wants to grow old with you. Well I hope that's true. Because It would be nice to know you won't be alone. Because based on your lies I won't be there. Now spill it.....Everything.


Actually, perhaps my earlier post was not clear enough. The e-mail was from WIFE to HIM, not the other way around. I know that they are in contact, I just did not know that she fancied him in this manner. Also, what do you mean when you say "I must be ready to back up". Do you mean back up with evidence ?


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

Jacquelyn, Yes, I want to save the relationship. 6 months ago, I decided to try and fix our relationship. I began to communicate more with her, went for holidays and talked frankly about our feelings. At one stage, I even asked her whether she still wants to be my wife. She pondered over it for a few days and told me yes before Christmas. So, I thought that we were on the path to rebuilding the relationship until I saw her e-mail to HIM.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I understand better. You must confront her. Personally I would file for divorce. Her e-mail pretty much says it all. I take it you are Andrew. Look you made the effort and even asked her if she wanted to still be married. She lied then. Tell her to "look on the bright side. You may not have a husband who loves you because you screwed him over once too often, but you will have a man who has a wife and a girl friend who will have a brunch with you once in a while."

You need to bring her to crisis. She has to lose you to know what she had. I would dump her in a hot second. But you may actually still love her. If so make her work her a$$ off to get you back. If not find someone who will love only you.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Hey Aces. Do you have children together?

Can we agree that she IS cheating, one way or another? Physical or not? She lied about all of it, we can agree upon that correct? She lied, and continues to lie, that makes her a liar...which means your trust should be non-existent at this point. So she cheated and obviously is putting efforts into doing it again.

One thing you need to learn when your spouse is cheating is to trust your instincts. People that cheat and lie abuse their spouses are emotional abusers. They care very little about their 'significant other'. You are here for her benefit and thats it. For all you know, being married to you spices up her extramarital affairs. It puts thrill in her escapades, and in her courting of this Mr. A. 

As far as Mr. A, he has enjoyed your wife and is currently enjoying having to beat her off with a stick. It boasts his ego. What a MAN mr.a is! God's gift to women!

Unfortunately, after you discover concrete evidence that everything you suspected did actually happen, and you wife finally admitted to it all, you'll realize your instincts were correct all along. 

Many of us here have gone through that stage already, including me. I have to say, that email doesnt tell me that they were once bf and gf _BEFORE_ she was with you. You've been together 15years....come on man, wake up. Dont you see that her idea of gf&bf is having an affair? 

Also, she is jealous of his new 'gf' aka mistress, not his wife! She wants him to be 'single' again, meaning from his mistress! 
In her eyes, she is single at the moment...this is how she can cope with cheating on you...

:scratchhead:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree:


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## jessarm04 (Mar 29, 2009)

It's always easy for other people to tell you divorce her. The hardest part is doing it. Their not. Seems to me you have known about this for a long time and have tried so hard to make this work. Change is always hard. It's hard to be single after 15 years of being with someone. Someone you felt you could trust. As nerve racking as it maybe you have to print out that letter and show it to her. I would tell her "after 15 years could you please respect me enough to tell me the truth? In all of this could you just love me enough to do just that for me?" If she starts rambling on with another excuse I would have a small bag waiting. Tell her when she feels like telling you the truth to give you a call and walk out. Stay with someone you trust and by all means don't call her until she calls you. With in a week she break down and tell you. Atleast this worked for me. I was in this this same situation. Within a week he finally told me about the affair he had with a friend of mine. It's hard as hell but it felt good not to be the fool anymore.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

When I suggest divorce, I suggest it to bring the WS to crisis. I do not say sign it. Unless she is unrepentant. I agree with what you said. We just have a different way to go about it. She needs to be without him for an extended period. She has to work to get him back.


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

Thanks for all the advice. No, we don't have any children.

I came back from a business trip yesterday and this was the first time I saw her again after discovering the e-mail. I have not confronted her yet. She seem to be fine and happy. We had a good dinner and watch TV together, then talked about our planned holiday which is coming up next week. When I'm with her, she seems loving, so I really can't imagine that she could cheat on me.

She's going for a flight tonight and will be back on Friday and we leave for our holiday on Saturday. I am planning to confront her when we return from the holiday.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Great! Take her on a great vacation. Really knock her socks off. Then when you get back confront her. Tell her then that you are seriously thinking of divorcing her. Because she basically has chosen to grow old with another man. Then show her the e-mail. And ask her "since you have been lying to me the whole time about what want. Just why do you think I should stay?"


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

Is it a good idea to walk out during the confrontation? I read somewhere that putting a distance in between is the first step to a divorce and that's not what I really want at this moment.

I am planning my approach to her now. So, after showing her the e-mail, I am deliberating between these 2 questions :-
1. Asking her whether she wants me or him. I believe she will say that she still wants me, then I will ask her to tell me truth. If she can't tell me the truth, I will walk out.
2. Asking her to tell me the truth. If she can't tell me the truth, I will walk out.

Which do you think is the better approach ?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I can tell you the outcome because you've admitted to already being there...she will say "you" and this will just continue as it has been, as it is now... 

One thing you have to remember about good liars is they wont admit to anything you already don't know. So she will admit to the email because its in her face, then she will rationalize it, you will fall for her trap and the next step is her demonizing you for snooping. She will change her password and find ways to punish you for snooping and not trusting her. Then when you catch her with full proof of the affair...say...walking in on it...she will blame YOU because you didnt trust her and she decided to live up to your expectations....

Look, I'd watch her more closely. Gain her trust and act oblivious for a while. You'll probably discover that she was physical with Mr. A while you guys were married...now its up to you where YOU draw the line. 

Where will you draw the line? Make a some sort of line now while you are calm and not clouded by her excuses. 
If you could, please share what that line is. Its beneficial for you trust me...I still havent figured out fully where my line is but I need to start 'getting ready' to leave when I do figure it out.

so recap, draw a line, collect more evidence (that email access is great cause she thinks you are oblivious of it), then confront.


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

Tim, I don't know what my line is. I think your explanation of the possible outcome is quite right. The problem is they rarely communicate by e-mail. It is usually mobile text, and that is so hard to track. As for whether they were physical during our marriage, I don't think I could ever discover that without her telling me.


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

I tested the water today and asked her why is she still deleting some mobile text. Then she said how do I know she's deleting text if I'm not spying on her and why don't I trust and believe? She says my snooping makes her sad. She says she habitually deletes text.

I don't know how to rebut this kind of statement. Does anyone know of a good phrase or one-liner when she turns the spying against me ?


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

aces said:


> Tim, I don't know what my line is. I think your explanation of the possible outcome is quite right. The problem is they rarely communicate by e-mail. It is usually mobile text, and that is so hard to track. As for whether they were physical during our marriage, I don't think I could ever discover that without her telling me.
> 
> I tested the water today and asked her why is she still deleting some mobile text. Then she said how do I know she's deleting text if I'm not spying on her and why don't I trust and believe? She says my snooping makes her sad. She says she habitually deletes text.
> 
> I don't know how to rebut this kind of statement. Does anyone know of a good phrase or one-liner when she turns the spying against me ?


I'm sort of figuring out my line as we speak. I know that I am leaving, I just need to figure out when. I decided not to do anything except be more detached until I figure out where my line in the sand is.

Sun Tzu's The Art of War is one of my favorite reads. 

"_*If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not your enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.*_"

In other words, you need time to figure things out. I'd say you are the latter example.

Its not your fault because you didnt ask for all this but you have no idea what you are up against or what you are getting into. Life is not unlike war, and theres no better example than a battle between the abuser and abused in a relationship.

She is masterful, very calculating and decieving. She wouldnt do all this if she werent confident she could get away with it. She knows you and your weaknesses more than you do and she takes full advantage. However, I'm going to draw from my own experience here and claim that she doesnt know herself very well. Thats a plus on your side if you can know both her and yourself.

Take some time to figure her out. She DOES have a problem, and she is controlled by it. Practice restraint because if you attack too soon she will just hit you where it hurts most and she will make you think you are crazy (because she can!). Refrain from any action until you figure yourself out. If you need help with that, I'd be glad to give some advice.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

also, if you need help figuring her out...just look up 'personality disorder' and 'emotional abuse'. There are specific personality disorders so just read the symptoms. A few might just scream a dead ringer to your wife, but only you can know that so you have to read about them. First start by listing some symptoms...#1 is she lies, #2 is she is a habitual cheater. List some more, then look them up.

Next thing you know, it starts to be almost comical because she'll be so predictable.


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

She does have a problem in lying. She tends to lie quite a bit, even in some innocent situations.

If you have some ideas, please let me know.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well I started by following the feelings of what makes me feel "free". It involves having a sense of 'self' first...that means, identifying the part of you that doesnt involve HER. 
People with personality disorders love to dig their claws into a victim and just suck the life out of them. If you are in this situation, which I suspect you are, then she has figured ways to isolate you from any activities that do not include her and anyone that cares about you (including your family). Some might outright get mad if you do something without them, or, like my wife, some will just use guilt or seduction to make you stay. I can go into that more but its not the point.

The point is to do something that YOU want and want to do it without her. Just pick anything that she doesnt like but you do and have been criticized for it. Anything you feel that you must restrain from doing because she might get mad? 

For me its if I show an ounce of individualism....like making a decision without her. Simple decisions like I decided to buy something for my hotrod. Or not coming home exactly on time.

It takes a bit of soul searching. Try to describe your interests....what do you like? Anything stand out that she doesnt like?


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

I have been reading about how to deal with people who tend to lie and one of the advice is not to confront her until i have sufficient evidence. I suppose that the e-mail I have is sufficient evidence. Does anyone think otherwise ?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It is definitely sufficient. Another way to deal with a liar is to give them no way out. In essence show her you are so convinced by this evidence that she basically has no way of changing your mind on it. What ever you do. Even up to divorcing her, do not relent. You must also hit her when she isn't expecting it. Also get a VAR and set it up in the room (test it to make sure it is working) then record the conversation without her knowing. Then if she comes back and tries to amend the story, you will be able to show her how her change in the story doesn't hold up to the original (very effective).


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Perhaps it is sufficient for a confrontation. However, she has worked hard to scrub clean her tracks and there will not be anything else to support what you have, so she can make any excuse and play that email down, and will undermine your evidence with the fact that you spied on her. Next thing you know, she will be making you the enemy and I would not doubt that she will turn it all around on you and say that she needed someone because you are an ass.

You are not an ass BTW. I am sorry for what you are going through.
My experience with liars is that they lie to cover what they are ashamed of. When confronted with the evidence, they will deny it, and instead offer a truth for a lesser offense that they lied about and you had no idea about! They'll expect sympathy and reward for telling THIS truth. When you reward them for telling this truth, they will act like they are teller-of-all-truths at this moment, and will look you straight in the eye and deny the evidence you brought forth. 

Again, this gets back to where you draw the line in all this. Will you just go on with her if she doesnt admit anything? Maybe you will discover your line after the confrontation... I dont know.


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## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

Due to the circumstances and our environment, I have decided that I need more proof especially from her mobile texts which she deletes. So, I am calming myself down to play the waiting game while I gather more evidence.


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