# Ex husband is serving me



## rubytuesday (Jan 17, 2013)

I have full, legal and physical custody of my fourteen year old daughter. For a variety of reasons, not only including my job I have moved out of state with my daughter, always informing the court of my new address, as per my agreement. A day ago, my ex husband had someone he and I both know, who last time I checked had been trying to pass the bar for 10 years and had failed to do so call me and demand I return to the home state. When I refused to talk to this person on the phone he said you're refusing to return to this state and hung up on me. Keep in mind that my ex husband has had no permanent address for the four years that we have been divorced. He usually gives the court a fake friend's address. During the visitation I granted him last summer, because he has no visitation, he violated our written agreement and took my daughter for weeks and kept her in a semi truck as he drove across country.
Well now, I'm sure he is serving me with some kind of motion and I just find the whole thing unbelievable. I work as a teacher and I don't make a lot of money and he has thousands he owes us in child support. He has assaulted me, railed at me, tried to bully me but mostly what I am concerned with is my daughter's well-being. My daughter gets crazy emotional and thinks her father is being taken away from her. He has her convinced that I am the enemy and trying to persecute him. He came to visit her here in our new home and said he would take her out for the day and not anywhere far out of the city limits. As I am taking my daughter to the door and wishing her well, he begins to fuss at her about her not having a bag with clothes in. I ask why would she need more clothes for a day trip and he says they are planning on going to another city far away or maybe anywhere. I say no one told me anything about this. I said I just spoke with him a few minutes ago by phone and he told me nothing about these plans. He tells me it is up to our daughter, who was still 13, at the time as she is an adult and he doesn't have to tell me anything. He demands to take to my daughter (He has tried to kidnap her other times) and I say no. My daughter becomes hysterical. I say until we can agree on where she's going and she calms down, the visitation is off. My daughter's reaction astounded me, she was absolutely hysterical thinking her father was going to be so angry with her and calling herself stupid for not handling it better. Apparently he had her lie to me and she had been worried about this for days. He ended up making a spectacle of himself in my neighborhood and called the police on me. The cop of course, told him to leave and my daughter to listen to me. 
I am sorry for this long rant... the whole situation is unbelievable as anyone gone through anything similar... what kind of trouble can he cause?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like you would do well by consulting a guardian ad litem, which is a service provided to minors in situations such as your daughter's. It will cost, but getting one involved will put the ball in your court. All sorts of paperwork is needed to make a good decision regarding a visitation plan. Like he'll have to provide up to 20 separate assessments of his parenting by people he knows. Your daughter will also have a say. His support of her, and things like the requesting her to lie and the police involvement will be put on the table for consideration. My son went through this with his father, who was silly enough to involve a GAL. He had to adhere to a whole bunch of requests, such as refraining from drinking, visiting my son at his school and going to his sporting events when he happened to be in the country, etc. He also ended up paying $100 more a month in child support, just because the Superior Court Judge who was involved was peeved at having to see his name on the docket again. (It's a recognizable name, very unique. But not a**hole lol.)

I'd say go with a GAL. You'll get fair mediation and good discovery at a decent price. Because it's child-based, it shows confidence that you know how it will play out. But your daughter will ultimately be able to speak up for what she wants, and while yes she might like some road trips with her nomad dad, nobody in their right mind is going to say that a 13 year old girl should be at a truck stop with a dad who asks her to lie to her mom.

Be calm. I know this situation is crazy making. But if you get real stressed out, the people who can help you might get exasperated. So try to stick to your guns and the process of using the GAL. Also start keeping a factual record of things that happen such as the phone call, and learn to use the callback # feature on your phone so you can track where it came from. You might also want to run a background check (a thorough one) on your ex to see about his property, criminal record, licenses, taxes due, etc. But I wouldn't go so far as getting a PI (yet) unless advised by an attorney (who will have one he or she prefers to use.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what I read it sounds like you are in a different state from the one where your divorce and custody cases were settled.

The following is from my experience.

Take a copy of your divorc decree and custody court paperwork (the ones stamped with the case number) and file it with the court in the county you now live in. This 'establishes' the agreement locally.

Interview a few attornies (some will give half hour to 1 hour free consultations.) Ask them questions about custody issues in your current state. Also see if you can find one you like who will do unbundled services for you. 

Petition your local court to change the venue of the custody part of your case to your current county/state. Do this based on the fact that your daughter now lives in this new county/state. 

This will do many things to make your case stronger locally. You will not need to deal with an out-of-state court, etc.

Do it ASAP before you get served with anything.

You can ask to have the case moved to the local court even if you are served, but it's harder to get done once there is a current action.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In some cases it's better to keep it in the state where it originated. In my son's case, it had gone to Superior Court, and also the issue was there was a heap of child support arrearage, like at the felony level. The dad was out of the country, so he could not appeal to have it moved to his jurisdiction. He tried to get it moved instead (or his really good attorneys who were in the original state) to the state where I lived with my son but it was very close so there wasn't really any good reason, also it would have gone to a lower court, and then the state would have had to accept the case with the child support arrearages, so that would have been a mess. If you're close to the other state and you can use your former attorney who already knows the guy he'll be dealing with, and they can also have the wherewithal to suspend licenses and withhold income tax refunds, etc. it can be better to keep it where it is.

But as EleGirl said, if it's far away and there isn't a long history or any current case like arrearages then moving it might be a good option. Don't do anything without legal advice. 

Your daughter can still benefit from your state's GAL though. It sounds like she might also benefit from a support group for kids in her situation. Look for a family studies department of a university, they usually keep a current list of resources.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I think you guys are both doing the wrong thing and are putting your daughter in the middle. You have to deal with custody issues in the state where the divorce or custody took place, unless all parties involved have left that state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not true taht custody issues have to be delt with in the state where the divorce took place.

My husband divorced in Maryland. He had 100% custody of his two children. He and the children then moved to New Mexico when he and I got married.

At one point is ex who had abandoned the children tried some nonsense. We got a local attorney who moved the custody case to New Mexico. The court in New Mexico had to contact the court in Maryland and they discussed it. The Judge in Maryland allowed the case to be moved to New Mexico.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Exclusive, Continuing jurisdiction

Once a state court has made a custody determination, that state keeps jurisdiction over all matters concerning that child, unless:

1. A court of the state with jurisdiction determines that the child or the child and a parent do not have a significant connection with the state, AND evidence concerning the child's custody determination is not available in the state;

2. A court of the state with jurisdiction, or any other state, determines that the child and both parents or acting parents do not reside in the state any longer.

It just depends on the situation. It doesn't sound like the father has abandoned the child in this case though. As a matter of fact, it sounds to me like RubyTuesday got full custody, and Dad got "Reasonable Visitation." This is most likely always a recipe for disaster, because alot of people have a hard time on agreeing on what is reasonable.


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## rubytuesday (Jan 17, 2013)

In the beginning, this was an issue of abandonment because after he had us out of our apartment, he never actually showed up for the final custody hearing for his daughter. He had gone and 'married' a woman from South America (even though we weren't divorced yet) and was down in South America with her at the time.

If he had showed up at the court, his refusal to pay child support for his other child in who lives in his home country, his lack of real residence, the 'compound' of single men and transients where he likes to reside in a kind of a religious cult-like place where he would force me to bring my daughter over to stay with him in one very small room -- one bed would be brough up, his attempts to get my daughter a fradaulent passport without my knowledge and take her to his home country to kidnap her would have come out. I had documents from his previous wife in their language, translated, where they ask him to pay child support for his son's medical conditions, because his 'religion' does not allow him to work. Also, my attorney and I at the time (this has been over 3 years) was concerned because in that religious community girls have been known to get married as young as 13 (maybe younger) at the bequest of the leader and the family.) The major point of me seeking full legal and physical custody was so that I would be able to leave that state without him backed by that community trying to stop me and forcing me to put my daughter in dangerous situations. In addition, I had medical reasons for moving to a warmer climate. Also, I had to move for work and my ex husband who was orderd to give something less than the minimum for child support never paid. They have garnished his wages, but he will quit his job rather than pay. I believe this is partly brought on by the time for case evaluation coming up and he must pay more child support. He does owe thousands in arrearages.
I have granted him visitation that is very 'reasonable' but each time he violates the agreement and causes more problems. I am deathly worried about his relationship with my daughter. I wanted her to be free to feel as if she weren't losing her father. But he constantly poisons her against me. Others have commented on the way he likes to keep her isolated when they visit, also. 
I don't like the way he manipulates her. Sometimes I feel he treats her more like a gf than a daughter and this worries me.
I was a bit hesitant about the GAL, my mom worked as a social worker and she was saying they will take over and begin to make decisions. If he wants to just sling untrue accusations at me, the court may end up taking her away and putting her in foster care. I will need legal counsel.
I have granted him vis


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh my this sounds so like my situation except I didn't move out of state. I'll link my story from the parenting section.

Meanwhile... I totally get the expense involved. Here are some fairly inexpensive steps you can take.

- You are a teacher so I assume you have insurance. Take you and your daughter to family counseling NOW. If you opted out, find your nearest United Family Services - they are FABULOUS in providing inexpensive but excellent counseling.

The point of this is two-fold. Because you both will benefit tremendously by getting parenting advice and an outlet and professional guidance for your daughter AND be able to prove to the court that you have your daughter's best interest at heart and are trying to be considerate of her emotional needs as well as her physical needs.

Second - you can petition the courts for free to appoint a guardian ad litem. These usually work on a sliding scale and are affordable. VERY affordable - Mine was only a flat fee of $500. They do a full custody evaluation of all parties with a custody advocate who then discusses the entire situation with legal counsel who then appears in court on behalf of your daughter and makes a recommendation to the court as to the best situation for the child. It's obvious in your case what is best. I rolled the dice for the same reason - I knew I was the most stable and healthy parent.

- Seek out a family law center. They also often work on a sliding scale. I don't know if they'll help or not - worth a shot.

- Research PAS - parental alienation syndrome. It's getting more recognition in the states, and most judges are educated on it. Your child is being brainwashed with lies and manipulation by her father. Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshack is the best book I've found to give you excellent ideas on reconnecting with a child who is being pulling by the other parent to take sides.

The child should never be in the middle. She shouldn't have to keep secrets about overnights or any activities from the other parent. She has the RIGHT to love both parents equally no matter how screwed up one is. She has the right to an APPROPRIATE relationship with both parents. 

Lastly, DOCUMENT. Keep a journal of every instance he violates the order, of every incident he creates chaos and encourages lies and deception. He may very well end up with supervised visitation only.

PM me if you need any more information. I went through this, I fought this, it took 3 years. Prepare for the fight of your life. It is all-consuming but your relationship with your daughter is on the line. He kept her from me for a month, filed crazy law suits, etc. I get where you are right now.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/55254-parental-alienation-my-story.html


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