# In need of unbiased insight



## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

I apologise in advance for the long post. 

Husband and I have recently separated. 

H and I have been married a year and 3 months now. We live with his parents and 3 sisters in a 3 bedroom house. 
We are both from a South Asian background and it is the norm / tradition to live with the H's parents although things have changed a lot and not many couples are doing this anymore. 

Before marriage we discussed our living arrangements. I wanted to live at his parents for a few months then move out, he said if things went well we would stay with parents longer, but if there was any issues/problems we would move out into his home that he had bought the year before we got married (he has been leasing it since he bought). This seemed fair to me so I agreed. 

The past year has been an absolute emotional rollercoaster. I have found it immensely difficult to adjust to his parents home and to his family and their way of life. His mother holds old cultural backwards views in which the daughter in law is expected to serve, look after, cook and clean after the parents in law. I have tried to keep his mother happy although I don't 'serve' her, I am not a maid. The way I see it, I live under their roof so I should do my share of chores, but for her that is not enough, so I cook for her and my father in law when I can. I ask her if I should make curry/chapati for her, if she wants a cup of tea, if there's any other chores she wants me to do, but unfortunately it's never been enough for her. 

He used to be supportive of me. MIL would often wait for H to come home from work so she could bombard him with a list of complaints against me. This would happen almost every week. What resulted was huge arguments. H was usually understanding and supportive but at the time of the argument he would get angry at both me and MIL. 

This is basically the situation of the past year of marriage. For the second half of the year I've been asking H to discuss our future, when we plan to move out and will we be buying or renting when we do? He would get very defensive and put off the conversation with, 'find a job first and then we'll discuss it'. I secured a job in August and sometime after I asked again. He said save some money and then we'll discuss it. I called him out on this and made it clear that I feel he is just leading me on and and has no intention of moving out. He told me he spoke to MIL and said 'there's not much space in this house, should me and the wife move out?' To which MIL replied no you can't move out, your father needs you what if he falls ill at night who will call the doctor or drive him to hospital? (He has diabetes and had a minor stroke some years ago).

I asked him what of the fact that you said before marriage we would move out if there were any problems, are you going back on your word? He replies with I'm sorry I made a mistake I shouldn't have said that, I should have known that mum wouldn't be happy with us moving out. I asked when would she be happy with us moving or is she expecting us to live here forever, he said I don't know I can't say all I can tell you is we will be living with my parents indefinitely. 

As a result of all this me and H have been arguing like cat and dog. To the point where my parents had to get involved and act as a mediator, which didn't work so I went to my parents home for 2 weeks. During that time I met with H and He asked me to come home and so I did. We continued to argue as nothing had changed and a week down the line, He told me to pack my bags and leave and also text my sister telling her to come and pick me up. The next day while he was at work I packed up I left myself and I am back at parents home. It has been 3 weeks since and me and H have had no contact whatsoever. Not even one call or text from either of us.

During our arguments and discussions H has been adamant that most of the problems we have had the past year are due to me and my shortcomings, he has given me ultimatums and said that I have to change or there won't be a marriage. He has been incredibly hurtful and verbally abusive and has been threatening me with 'if you don't change I'll chuck out of The house' multiple times. I have tried to see from his point of view and where I have felt I was in the wrong or at fault I have put my hands up and admitted it. But if I try to tell him where he has gone wrong and the way he has made me feel, he becomes angry, defensive and the first sentence out of his mouth is always 'I disagree'. 

Now the one thought that keeps going around in my head is how can you reconcile if one person thinks that he is faultless and has done no wrong and expects the other person to make all the changes??? I feel completely hopeless and confused, I love him and want to work things out but just don't know how.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

You're right, you cannot reconcile if one person thinks he is faultless and has done no wrong and expects the other person to make all the changes. I think you should stay at your parents' house for a while longer but I think you need some emotional space. I recommend you limit contact with him, especially when you are or he is emotional, and let things cool off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you live in South Asia at this time?

Did your husband live with his parents before you married him?

You are right that you cannot reconcile when one person only sees the other's faults. You husband has his parents fighting to keep him in their home. As long as he has them backing him up, he will not meet you half way.

His mother's argument of who will call the doctor and who will drive your FIL to the hospital is ridiculous. Surely she knows how to call someone on the phone, doesn't she? And your husband could drive over to where your FIL lives and take him to the hospital if needed. Or your MIL could call an ambulance. Or the MIL could call her daughter. 

If you give into your husband's demands to move back with his parents, you will be stuck living there until your MIL dies. It sounds like a very unpleasant fate.

One thing that might help if is you get a place of your own. Then your husband can come stay with you.. over time he might stay with you more and more. If you want to try that, you can do it for 6 months to a year and see if it gives him a way out of his parent's home.


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> I recommend you limit contact with him, especially when you are or he is emotional, and let things cool off.


We have had no contact whatsoever in since I left. We had an argument late at night and he told me to leave, the next morning he went to work without saying a word to me and then I went to my parents without letting him know. Btw my parents live in a different city 130 miles away from H's home. He hasn't tried to contact me since and neither have I. But I feel we should at least be civil and discuss how we feel or what we want from this separation?


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

EleGirl

No we live in the UK, me and H were both born and bought up in the UK. Yes he was living with his parents before we married. 

I have considered moving out on my own. I have discussed that with H and he said that if that's what I really want to do then I can, but he emphasised that I should think carefully about what that would do to mine and MIL's relationship. I know it would make things worse between me and her but to be honest that is the least of my concerns. But then again That gives MIL plenty of free time with H and she would most definitely have a lot to say to H about it.

I know that in my absence MIL bad mouths me to H (I have heard her bad mouthing me to my SIL's before) and it seems to me that H is really beginning to become influenced by her.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I believe this is a clash of cultures amplified by a meddling MIL and a weak H.

If you wish to live your life according to more modern / western (?) ways then I dont see this working out.

Assimilation in the US is a bit different as there are few barriers to work and society - don't know about the UK but the social welfare differences might create differences. My point is that my frame of reference is the US and not the UK.

In the US this is a common problem - but guess who wins in the end? Look 1-2 generations on and we're all Americans and some are trying to keep their original traditions alive but it's hard.

I think you should focus on you and invite H to come into your culture. I don't think he'll come, but I also don't think you should be stuck between cultures


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

That's the thing. My father is of dual heritage (his mother was white) he was born and bought up in the UK. My mother emigrated to the UK when she was young and generally my family have adapted and integrated to the UK and British culture. My family are not the type that try and grasp onto backward village type customs.

I've always had a dislike towards the backward aspects of our culture and felt that we need to change and develop as a society. When I met my H he also shared these views and completely agreed with me (or so he said he did!). But in recent months his attitude has changed completely, he wants me to conform to these cultural traditions because that is what his mother wants. 

And it's not just that I'm starting to think that he is a control freak. The one thing that we have argued over the most these past weeks is the fact that he wants me to follow a timetable of chores at home. He said he wants me to 'type up a timetable and he will check it and then print it out and stick it in the kitchen, so that the others in the house can see what chores I'm doing and can work around me if they want to' that is exactly what he said word for word.

I refused to have a timetable and he told me that I don't have a choice, if I want to stay in this house I have to have a timetable. 

Now someone please tell me am I right in thinking that this timetable thing is just utterly ridiculous and pathetic??? 

I am a grown woman of 24 living with her 29 yo husband... not a teenager living with her parents?!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is not going to work due to the clash of cultures, even if everyone was perfectly sensible, which they aren't.
Please tell me you don't have children...


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

technovelist said:


> This is not going to work due to the clash of cultures, even if everyone was perfectly sensible, which they aren't.
> Please tell me you don't have children...


Im not sure if this is not working due to the clash of cultures or that my H is turning out to be a control freak? 

No we don't have any children. I wouldn't bring any children into this turbulent relationship... And even if I did where would I put my child... There is currently 7 of us living in a 3 bedroom house.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

So sorry but I think you know the answer and yes I agree. You seem to be proceeding in a manner that allows H to reconsider his behavior which is respectful.

Years ago I worked in public accounting. A manager with an Irish last name turned out to be half Japanese. I never really though too much about cultural differences but once he told me I was like "yeah that makes sense I guess you do look partly Asian" lol but I guess I'm glad I never thought about it.

His mom was brought here by dad who was stationed somewhere I guess... But he was basically a hillbilly and had well water and she didn't speak much English. What a transition! So later a decade or two dad becomes a college professor (seriously hillbilly to professor) and has a CPA son. Obviously good genetics regardless of cultural upbringing.

After having been here several decades and becoming American, they all go to Japan to visit. Her brother expects her to wait on him and the family. Lol not going to happen. The family was really rude about it too. My friend was 100% American so it was like he was on Mars. Several comical stories too.

I don't think you can "go backward" (sorry to be judgy but that's my opinion) any more than you can go back to driving a stick shift car with no air conditioning once you've experienced a car from this century


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

I guess some people just don't know it don't care to move forward/adapt/improve themselves and instead stay stuck in a rut. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> I don't think you can "go backward" (sorry to be judgy but that's my opinion) any more than you can go back to driving a stick shift car with no air conditioning once you've experienced a car from this century


You're right. And no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I know that I just won't be able to bear another day in MIL's home, just the thought of going back there gives me anxiety and makes me feel physically sick. 

H has said to me that he also finds it difficult living with his parents but he can't just 'desert' them as MIL has had problems and has been hurt by her older son and his wife. And I could see the frustration and helplessness in his eyes when he said this. But I don't understand, if you can't grow up and cut the apron strings and start your own family in your own home then why get married? What is my purpose in his life? Just to sit around in his mothers home and wait on him and his family? Why put me in this position? 

Sometimes I feel that he isn't being honest with me and is staying with his mother because it is easy... Less responsibilities, no bills to pay, if I don't cook for him, his mother will cook for him, if his mother doesn't cook for him then his sister will. It's an easy life... When you move out its time to stand on your own two feet, work, finance, household responsibilities and being responsible for yourself and your wife. Why would he want that when he has it so easy at mummy's house.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Aremu said:


> I guess some people just don't know it don't care to move forward/adapt/improve themselves and instead stay stuck in a rut.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am not familiar with your culture but it seems that your H has not grown emotionally. I can understand honoring one's parents and even looking after them as necessary but to have them be the centerpoint of your life I find to be very problematic.

There is not a lot to go on here but from what you have said your H's attitude seems to be that of an angry young boy. Was none of this discussed prior to marriage? Apparently not, at least in any detail.

In any event it seems now that you must try and explain to your H that, although holding on to some aspects of one's culture is important for positive growth, holding on to backwards ways and lifestyles actually prevents growth. One must find a balance between a culture's benefits and its outdated customs, preserving what is beneficial and releasing what is detrimental.

Holding on to old customs at the sacrifice of the members of its society is neither prudent nor wise. Your H, I fear, cannot see this distinction and is so steeped in tradition that he refuses to evolve and grow. If you are unsuccessful in persuading him to advance, then I see little choice but to separate from him and his family.

I suggest you let this lesson serve as a reminder that you must discuss cultural differences and expectations thoroughly when engaging in any multicultural relationship. I wish you good fortune.


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> I am not familiar with your culture but it seems that your H has not grown emotionally. I can understand honoring one's parents and even looking after them as necessary but to have them be the centerpoint of your life I find to be very problematic.
> 
> There is not a lot to go on here but from what you have said your H's attitude seems to be that of an angry young boy. Was none of this discussed prior to marriage? Apparently not, at least in any detail.
> 
> ...


Before marriage we discussed our living arrangements. I said I would like to live with his parents for a few months, maybe up to a year. H said that if things go well we should stay there longer, but if there any problems then we can give notice to the tenants and move into his home. I agreed to that I as I felt that was fair. 

I have discussed with him numerous times about letting go and starting our own life. Letting go of these old age customs and traditions which mean nothing to us. It's not him that is trying to hold on to these customs, he does in fact openly voice his dislike for these customs and traditions that his parents follow. He insists its because he doesn't want his mother to feel like he has deserted her. Bear in mind the house that he owns is actually two streets away from his mothers home.

I can see clearly that his mother is just emotionally blackmailing him and making him feel guilty. When I spoke about moving out MILs words were 'if you feel like I'm causing arguments between the two of you then fine you can move out, but then it will be clear to me that I have nobody and I'm all alone'. This is just clear emotional blackmail as her eldest daughter lives two doors away from her, her eldest son lives on the opposite street corner house and the middle son lives on the other street corner house. 

That's 4 members of one family living in the same street. 

I understand that his mum puts him in a difficult position but if I can see that there is no basis to her argument and that she using emotional blackmail then why can't he see that. Or does he see it but is in denial or just refuses to acknowledge it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Mom has her hooks in him and it's doubtful you or anyone else can change that. My parents neighbor did that to her kids - 47 year old professional daughter still lives at home unmarried and son left for a bit but his marriage failed (no wonder) and he's home. One of my best friends did this too - she's now dead and he's mid 59's and single.

It ain't you.


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

After almost four weeks of separation and no contact, I decided to email the H. I wrote down my feelings and emotions and also set some boundaries and made clear what I would and would not tolerate. 

I finished the email with this - I just want you to be honest and tell me what you want and what you feel, not what your mum, dad or family or what anyone else feels and what they have to say. I don't want to hear any of that, I just want to understand you. And then we can take it from there and figure out whether we can work as a couple. 

I also said that I'm not expecting a response straight away and he should read and understand the email and take however long he needs to reply.

He replied not long after I had sent the original email. His reply - 'so before we go any further. Are you saying to me if we don't move out the marriage is over?

I replied with I don't know, maybe, maybe not we that would be decided when we discuss matters further. 

H - if I'm understanding this email correctly you've pretty much said you're out of this marriage if I don't move out. I'll sort the divorce out and I'll be in touch with your father soon. 

Me - I've just answered your question. I don't know how much more clear I could be. Here's me thinking we could speak and get our feelings out in the open. I even said to you don't reply straight away, take your time and think about it but you're just getting hot headed and jumping to conclusions. The reason I emailed you rather than text/whatsapp is so that it doesn't become a back and forth, to me to you type of conversation. It's sounding like you don't want to sort anything out with me. 

H - No you did not answer the question. Your not interested in anything I have to say you couldn't care less about me, what I feel or think. I've made it clear I'm not moving out yet.

Me - How can you say that I'm not interested in anything you have to say? Did I not just say in the email that I want to know how you feel and what you want? Can you please communicate with me? The way I have, just try and write down your feelings so that I can understand you. Please.

I'm currently waiting for a reply. But I think he has already made himself clear. I just cannot fathom how he is so willing to continue staying at his parents at the expense of his marriage? Does our marriage mean so little to him? I did not once mention the divorce word in my email although I said that I could not stay in a marriage where I feel like I am afterthought or second or third priority to my husband. How is it so easy for him to throw around the D word? I find myself questioning whether he has ever loved me. I've been calm and cool headed so far during our separation but I can't hold the tears back anymore...


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Let it go..it sounds like he is not communicating in good faith.....A man must choose his wife over his parents or he is not a man. Respect the vow......


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

Betrayedone said:


> Let it go..it sounds like he is not communicating in good faith.....A man must choose his wife over his parents or he is not a man. Respect the vow......


I wish he could understand this. 
He makes me feel like I am the one being selfish and unreasonable. 
But in the real world a husband and wife are one and marriage is a separate entity, there's no room for parents and siblings to involved in a marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I just read his response to you. He is done, OP. Let him go.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You <--- H.--> MIL

You <-- H --> MIL

That's all me sees. It's not about whether he ever loved you or not.

His lizard brain is just going back and forth and he can't reconcile this, so he just stops thinking and blamed you.

Tell him "I don't want a divorce."

Nothing more. See what happens. Then Just keep saying that and nothing more, regardless of what he says.

He can't blame you and it will piss him off. See if I'm right.

It's a cop out on his part. Don't let him off so easy. Make him ask for the D


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aremu said:


> I wish he could understand this.
> He makes me feel like I am the one being selfish and unreasonable.
> But in the real world a husband and wife are one and marriage is a separate entity, there's no room for parents and siblings to involved in a marriage.


What I see going on with him is a mixture of culture and him being a controlling person.

He sees you as defying him. He expects you to capitulate to his desires and decisions. You have not.

People who are controlling always turn it around to try to make the other person feel like they are selfish and unreasonable. That is one of the tricks they use to establish and maintain control.

From what you have said about his family, they all do that. They all tried that with you so that they could keep you is what they see as your place as their servant.

Your husband learned this behavior very well from his family.

So far you have been very strong and shown a lot of self love (not selfishness) by moving out and standing up for yourself. Please do not give in and go back to him. Your life will be hell.

I know it hurts to lose your marriage. But better to lose your marriage then to lose your own sense of self and well being.

.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Aremu, sorry you are in this predicament. It sounds like your H is still attached by the umbilical cord to his mother which is fairly prevalent among asian communities. (i assume you are punjabi/pakistani?). Is your marriage a love marriage or arranged?

Unfortunately, your H will try and bully you into his way of thinking when there is a very strong matriarch pulling the strings. He wants a wife but one who firmly knows her place, his mother's way. I cannot imagine what it is like growing up in a western culture but being expected to follow traditions/culture from another time and place. His mother will use all sorts of blackmail to get her way that is why her oldest son and wife have a problem with her (seems to be par for the course in the culture unfortunately).

If you had a job, you may not have to spend so much time in the house nor engage in chores and begin to demand respect for your earnings and as you age you are placed higher in the pecking order. However, I assume you would be eventually having kids and bringing up kids with a MIL who is hell bent on doing things her way will add fuel to the fire as she will not agree with your child rearing.

you are in the early stages of your marriage and if your H is not putting your first now, then it will not get better, he will continue to put his mother and father first. 

You say there are 7 in the house, who are the other 3? H's siblings? How are they with you?

If you have your parents support, i would suggest stay separated from your H, tell him you will not live like this, you do not want a divorce but he has gone back on his word. I would not worry about the shame, etc I am sure people in the community already know how difficult this old lady can be. You are only 24 years old, please do not submit your life to this so early on, if your H is not willing to put you first, then you are better off without him, marriage is a long tough journey and you need to be on the same page from the beginning. A man putting his mother first throughout marriage is soul destroying, do not go there.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

He is failing you as a husband, partner and friend. I don't see much respect for you from his side. He doesn't care how you feel; he failed you when he didn't respect the agreement you made before marrying (regarding where you'll live). You're right, he doesn't want to leave them. He sees them as his family, not you. It seems he didn't marry you to start a new family with you, but to just add you to his family of origin. His emails sound so cold and to me they seem like emotional blackmail. 
You seem like a lovely person and I think you deserve so much more than this. You're not a maid and you're not to be treated like one. Demand respect and partnership, don't give in. He's wrong and if he's willing to lose you over this, then so be it, he didn't deserve you in the first place.


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> What I see going on with him is a mixture of culture and him being a controlling person.
> 
> He sees you as defying him. He expects you to capitulate to his desires and decisions. You have not.
> 
> .


This is spot on. I've realised that's exactly what is happening here. He is a controlling person and right now the situation is that I'm not giving into his demands and I'm putting myself first. He sees that as me defying him. I think he feels that he is losing control hence his attitude and coldness towards me.



EleGirl said:


> People who are controlling always turn it around to try to make the other person feel like they are selfish and unreasonable. That is one of the tricks they use to establish and maintain control.
> 
> From what you have said about his family, they all do that. They all tried that with you so that they could keep you is what they see as your place as their servant.
> 
> ...


That is what I'm doing, putting myself first. I can say that I was (or so I thought I was?!) An independent and strong woman. Since I got married though it seems that I have gone the opposite way. I started having anxiety attacks, I've never felt anything like that before I got married but over the past year, there were times when I would start having heart palpitations, hot flushes, nausea and feeling like I can't breathe. I would have to open all the windows in my room or go for a walk to ease the symptoms. 

My husband was witness to these Attacks a few times, and I've always been very honest with him and told him that I feel suffocated in this house, that I just want my own home where it's just me and him and we can work together and look towards the future, hopefully start our own family soon. But none of this was reason enough for him to want to move out. 

Although I love my husband and would love to work things out and move forward with him, I keep finding myself thinking that this is not how a marriage should be. Husband and wife should support and help each other, they should be a source of comfort for each other, but I don't feel any of that in my marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your husband isn't going to leave mommy, despite the fact that I am sure his mother is capable of picking up a phone and calling emergency services if needed AND there are multiple siblings living on the same street. It's not that his parents need him, they don't. They have other children very nearby. He's not leaving home because he doesn't want to. Period.

You staying with him under these circumstances is harming you physically and mentally. It's also a waste of time and youth.

If I were you, I'd go ahead and tell him that he can file for the divorce. It doesn't seem like there was an actual marriage, anyways, other than on paper. He's not married to you. He's married to his family. Your place was to serve them and see to his sexual and reproductive needs. That's all.


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## Aremu (Nov 10, 2015)

aine said:


> Aremu, sorry you are in this predicament. It sounds like your H is still attached by the umbilical cord to his mother which is fairly prevalent among asian communities. (i assume you are punjabi/pakistani?). Is your marriage a love marriage or arranged?
> 
> Unfortunately, your H will try and bully you into his way of thinking when there is a very strong matriarch pulling the strings. He wants a wife but one who firmly knows her place, his mother's way. I cannot imagine what it is like growing up in a western culture but being expected to follow traditions/culture from another time and place. His mother will use all sorts of blackmail to get her way that is why her oldest son and wife have a problem with her (seems to be par for the course in the culture unfortunately).
> 
> ...



Yes you're right we are both of pakistani background. It was a love marriage. 

I did start working but even that was a problem, while I was looking for work and attending interviews MIL decided she would have a go at me about the clothes I was wearing to the interviews, they were apparently not 'appropriate for a Muslim pakistani girl, and if I was going to continue to dress like that then I should leave her house' she made it very clear that she did not want me to work and that my 'place was in the home'. 

When I did secure a job August, I was working evenings so I wasn't home at dinner time. She came to my room to have a word with me and what ensued was a full blown rant about how H is not eating properly and that it's important he eats chapati and not take out, I said he is a grown man he can feed himself, to which she replied 'I don't know what you've said to him but he has not ate chapati and curry at home for the past 3 days and I'm making it clear to you that it is important that he continues to eat chapati'.

I'll be honest after she left I felt like what has just happened?? I haven't given her any reason to complain so she's now just picking on me and finding petty reasons to argue with me. BTW I realised the issue was the fact that my H was waiting until he picks me up from work and then we would both eat together before we went home. How dare he do that. How dare he refuse to eat chapati at home with his mother and eat takeout instead with his wife. That's just outrageous. 

Where children are concerned I have always made it crystal clear to H that I will not be having children while we are living in the house. 

The other 3 that live with us are his sisters. I don't have any issues with me they are fairly nice to me, I get along with one more than the other two. The only issue is that they are incredibly lazy, I can't even describe in words how lazy they are! All 3 of them have jobs and when they come home they will not lift a finger. I don't expect to them to do all the house work, but they are old enough to wash their own dishes rather than leave them sitting in the sink. And their refusal to do any chores in the house just makes more work for me. What's funny is that all 3 of them are older than me. 

I don't worry about shame, I never have and neither do my parents, they have been incredibly supportive throughout all this and it now looks like I will have to stay with them longer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Aremu said:


> Yes you're right we are both of pakistani background. It was a love marriage.
> 
> I did start working but even that was a problem, while I was looking for work and attending interviews MIL decided she would have a go at me about the clothes I was wearing to the interviews, they were apparently not 'appropriate for a Muslim pakistani girl, and if I was going to continue to dress like that then I should leave her house' she made it very clear that she did not want me to work and that my 'place was in the home'.
> 
> ...


So glad your parents are supportive, you will need it, but stick to your guns, your must set the boundaries now otherwise your MIL and H will walk all over you

Do drop in from time to time and let us know how you are


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

This marriage is 100% headed for divorce, but here's how you can turn the tides and make it a useful experience for your own growth:

First: Ignore everything and anything he says

Second: Send him a very formal letter stating you expect him to have acquired a separate place of residence for the 2 of you by February 2016 (that's enough time to first reject your idea and then come to his senses). 

Third: File for divorce on Feb 1st, 2016 if he hasn't met your demand.

Fourth: Never marry anyone who expects you to live with his parents and siblings in the UK. That's not how life in the UK works. In fact, that's not how urban life in 2015 works for anyone regardless of their location.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

synthetic said:


> This marriage is 100% headed for divorce, but here's how you can turn the tides and make it a useful experience for your own growth:
> 
> First: Ignore everything and anything he says
> 
> ...


But the culture is another and significant issue here, rightly or wrongly.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

aine said:


> But the culture is another and significant issue here, rightly or wrongly.


The culture of living with 'in-laws' has been debunked and totally disapproved by almost every single educated person in the world. I know the culture and am aware of enough people in this generation or past generations that have opted to go against it. 

They live in the UK. What we're calling 'culture' here is simply illogical in an urban setting in the western world. It is deemed illogical by millions of youth in South Asia as well and has been successfully abandoned by many couples.

She won't have a hard time selling the idea to the world. It's only her childish husband and stupid mother-in-law who are ultimately going to lose here. He will lose his wife and his mother will lose her son's respect in the process. There's absolutely no other possible outcome for this situation.

I just think she should have some fun with the whole thing and learn to be the assertive and logical one. It's good for her future. The husband and his family are a lost cause altogether.


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