# How to recover after arguements, what next?



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Hello all, I am really feeling frustrated so please bear with me. 

I have been posting about my husbands moodiness and controlling? behavior. 

I am asserting myself better, not engaging, I recently left to visit my home and friends and it was great. I felt much better after having a "breather". My husband really seemed happy to have me home...but that didn't even last a week

He tends to recover after a period of silent treatment and then he acts like nothing ever happened and can't understand why I am still upset/hurt. I sat him down this morning and I had a very blunt conversation with him. Simply, his behavior is very stressful to me, we have too many "bad" days, at least for me, I am just not sure I can be with someone this moody - and the way he talks to me.

So. I simply feel sick to my stomach. He tells me I need to let things go. He did seem to listen to me but also (surprisingly) seems just fine with our relationship. I made it very clear that I am not fine. 

He made a few very important promises to me with some "due dates". I am trusting him to follow through, but if he doesn't? I know we can't change this overnight, but I need to see some kind of effort or progress. 

Any thoughts on reasonable expectations as a start? We have talked before and he asks me for instance to tell him he's being rude/aggressive, say it in a way to give him an "out for recovery".

That's all fine, and I do but so far it hasn't helped. In the argument our "agreements" go out the door for him. Not to mention, all of his suggestions are for me, I ask him to try to control himself, not call me sensitive, etc. But he doesn't do it.

fyi, not all days are bad but we have serious arguments or I get silent treatment every week, since Nov. It was particularly bad this Jan. Sadly, I have kept a tally, I wondered if maybe I was being too sensitive as he says I am.

I pointed out this morn that we also have had very little to no intimacy for that same time. Not to blame him, honestly its more me. I just feel warmer towards him and we have another fight and I am just not comfortable around him. Interestingly he hadn't noticed we weren't having sex.  

I'm not sure which is worse, LOL.

So, he says (again) he is going to work on this, he doesn't want me to be stressed. He is also saying he wants to retire now. I was looking forward to that but now....?

I love him and I need to try, he said he would but I am struggling with my anger and frustration. How can I have been with him for 4 years - happily! and we've been married for only 1.5 years and here I am wondering if this marriage is doomed. :scratchhead: I waited a long time to marry, I thought he would be a great match and this would be the happiest time of my life.

Thank you for listening, its been a tough week for me. 

Leah


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Leah,

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why Does He Do That? I truly believe your husband is abusive, and maybe the book will help you see that. Yes I'm making assumptions, but this is through your other posts. Please, please read the book. In terms of this post - that's what controlling men like him do - you have to change the way you behave and not them. It will always be your fault if an argument occurs - they never take any responsibility. Just read the book - what do you have to lose?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's quite common that in the first two years of marriage life, there're lots of issues and arguments to deal with. 
It's easy to fall in love and get married but getting along under the same roof is a whole different thing. It requires lots of friendly communication, understanding & mutual respect for each other. They're essential nutrients for a long-term partnership to grow.
Love is only the seed that you and your husband have planted together. Arguments are the weeds that always grow and you will find it annoying to handle but it's not doomed. It's normal the way you feel. Perk yourself up and take care of this young plant.
You still have lots of work to do in a marriage because a happy marriage requires lots of work & care at first. It will grow stronger and become more stable. When you're able to establish a healthy partnership and communication channel, you will find it much easier to work with your husband in the future.
It's a matter of time and a matter of work & communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

P.S. Your husband did notice you weren't having sex. Why don't you guys make peace, put away all the unhappiness and worries aside and enjoy a sexy night with great orgasms together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Leah,
I agree that you should read the book, just to see if it resonates with you.

What causes him to give you "silent treatment"?
What do you consider "silent treatment" and how long does it last?

At this point he's minimizing your feelings and denying his own.
He may say YOU need to "get over it," but his silent treatment indicates that he's affected by something too.
That is manipulative.

When you told him your feelings about this, did you feel like he heard you and understood and cared?
Did he "get" it?

These things aren't insurmountable, but it could be a struggle getting to better times.
Is he open to marriage counseling? You may need a third party to get through to him how much this is affecting you and yiur relationship.
If he's not, I recommend individual counseling to help you understand and deal with it if it causes yiu a lot of pain and stress.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank you for your concern.

I did read that book. He does have shades of controlling behavior however according to the author he doesn't fit "generally".

I believe many things in life are a spectrum, in this case, it may "fit" but its on the lower end. What I did take is some ways to establish boundaries and to recognize that he may be unwilling/unable? to change.

I have also come to the conclusion that some of his behavior is purposeful. I did learn that he has some stressors but he claims they don't bother him. I am starting to think he has emotional control/denial issues and that he has kept them "under wraps" until we married/moved in together.

He agreed to work on things, he heard me, he definitely understood, but unfortunately I am not sure he "gets it". 

What I call it silent treatment when we argue, he hits a point where he suddenly won't speak or look at me, turns his back to me aka acts like he doesn't see me..usually goes to his computer and simply will not respond to me. He also "leaves" like the other night I tried to get us to "recover" told him I was tabling our argument and putting dinner on the table, I came out with the food and he was just gone. Quietly slipped out and came home a few hours later - still not speaking. 

It usually lasts a day/evening, occasionally 3 days - some speaking but only the necessities. 

If I don't see effort/improvement in the next 6 weeks. I believe we will need assistance from a therapist. I don't know if he will go or not. I'll cross that bridge when I get there I guess.

I have been so upset and confused, I've now feeling very distrustful and angry. We planned a nice eve out, he came home, I was waiting for him at home all dressed up, he walked in the door, didn't say a word about how I looked and immediately accuse me of "being in a bad mood". The eve was ruined, we went nowhere.

He absolutely did that on purpose. I am not proud to say that I was so angry I yelled at him like I never have before. It scares me that I am starting to feel disgusted by his behavior and I don't "like" him very much right now.

The only up side is that I seem to have suprised him when I yelled/got so upset. Thus his willingness to talk the other morning.

I don't want to get ahead of "us" but I have done some things to allow me to move back home in the spring/summer if necessary. 

I don't want to jump ship prematurely so I appreciate the input that these issues may be able to be managed. That's the tough part for me, but maybe that's where a therapist can help.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and concerns. Best, Leah


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Leah,
I ache for you because I can relate to yiur situation.
Of course the details are different, but my H exhibits some of those behaviors to a degree.
I know how much it hurts to receive that.
And that's why I said a therapist might be a necessary mediator to help him see---my H needed that, and does.
You were smart to set some expectations and a timeline in yiur mind, but it's going to be hard to stick to your guns when he sabotages the way he does.
Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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