# New member, just looking to vent and possibly get some advise.



## Justme mumof3 (Sep 4, 2019)

I have been with DH for nearly 16 years. We have 3 children. The bottom line is basically I feel we are just going round and round in circles and I don’t know when enough is enough. I do love him but I feel like the only time we are happy is when I put all my feeling aside and just ack like everything is great. When I’m feeling down about any number of issues we have going on he just dosnt want to know and turns into a grumpy, angry person I do not like. Right now I’m not happy with most aspects of our relationship. I have been here before many times and nothing really changes. I just put up and shut up and then it seems to be ok until I happen to mention something that is getting to me, then it all goes back this, us both being unhappy and hardly talking. The main problem at the moment is him working so many hours and giving us- his family nothing other than demands. I just don’t know how much longer I can take it being like this.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Justme mumof3 said:


> I have been with DH for nearly 16 years. We have 3 children. The bottom line is basically I feel we are just going round and round in circles and I don’t know when enough is enough. I do love him but I feel like the only time we are happy is when I put all my feeling aside and just ack like everything is great. When I’m feeling down about any number of issues we have going on he just dosnt want to know and turns into a grumpy, angry person I do not like. Right now I’m not happy with most aspects of our relationship. I have been here before many times and nothing really changes. I just put up and shut up and then it seems to be ok until I happen to mention something that is getting to me, then it all goes back this, us both being unhappy and hardly talking. The main problem at the moment is him working so many hours and giving us- his family nothing other than demands. I just don’t know how much longer I can take it being like this.


Well, you really only have two options: put up with it, or leave.

Granted, you could establish some negative consequences that will take place in stages before you reach the level of leaving. For instance, you could sit him down and tell him what you've said here. That you're unhappy with the way he ignores the way you feel, and that you need it to change. Then lay out the plan you've thought up for him.

If you don't change within this week, I will stop having sex with you. If you don't stop this within a month, I will stop cooking your meals, cleaning your messes, and doing your laundry. If you still won't change, you'll find the locks changed, and your stuff on the front porch one evening.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Justme mumof3 said:


> I have been with DH for nearly 16 years. We have 3 children. The bottom line is basically I feel we are just going round and round in circles and I don’t know when enough is enough. I do love him but I feel like the only time we are happy is when I put all my feeling aside and just ack like everything is great. When I’m feeling down about any number of issues we have going on he just dosnt want to know and turns into a grumpy, angry person I do not like. Right now I’m not happy with most aspects of our relationship. I have been here before many times and nothing really changes. I just put up and shut up and then it seems to be ok until I happen to mention something that is getting to me, then it all goes back this, us both being unhappy and hardly talking. The main problem at the moment is him working so many hours and giving us- his family nothing other than demands. I just don’t know how much longer I can take it being like this.


Are you letting him know that this isn't the way you see things working out down the road? It took 40 years of marriage before we had a crisis of such epic proportion (to me, and that it wasn't such a huge crisis to her was part of the problem) before we had a really extraordinarily painful time of learning about built-up resentments over the years, nearly all on her part, most of which dealt with her feeling that I put work first, family second for 20 or 30 years. I changed radically 12 years ago in that regard, and guess what? All she wants to talk about is the first 20 or 30. Wish I could easily find the piece I wrote about it. It would be something you could print out and show to your DH and let him know that's not where you want the two of you to be.

Having said all that, there remains one very important thing. The only person in control of your happiness is the person staring back at you in the mirror. That's a really tough one for many of us. But the more you focus on your husband for happiness, the more you're going to be disappointed because you can't control him. You can only control your thoughts about him, and whether he's making an effort to improve or willing to toss the marriage aside, as you sound willing to do.

I wish you the best. It's a tough road, but I sure wish I'd traveled that road at your point in our relationship, rather than decades later.


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

Hello - thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. 

Your desire for your husband to listen more to your feelings and spend more time at home are good things for your relationship. I recommend that you sit down with him and tell him clearly that these are important things that need to change in order for your marriage to improve. He likely knows that things need to improve, and it is in both of your interests for it to do so, which should provide some motivation. 

Perhaps your husband's overtime is just temporary or optional? If not, then he should start looking for another job for the sake of your family. 

Perhaps your husband views your sharing of feelings as just complaints against him, triggering his shame, causing him to clam up. I'm sure there are books on feelings that point out how powerful they are, how normal they are, and how sharing feelings both ways can deepen your bond, not rip you two apart. This might be an area for you two to delve into together by sharing a book. 

If sharing feelings and no overtime are non-negotiable, unalterable term for you, then tell him so. However, this means that no improvement will likely lead to you divorcing him, so be sure if it is a deal-breaker or not. Best of luck to you!


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