# Botched Sexual Exploits?



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

I am not sure what I hope to achieve by asking this question, but it's something that I think about quite often. Maybe I am just hoping for come clarity?

During the beginning of our 18 year marriage, there were many times that I tried to produce a new experience for our sex life. Whether it was dressing up in an outfit, recreating our bedroom outside (we live way out), trying the whole romantic dinner served nude scene, or outright surprise 'take me now' moments. 

Many of them were met with a blank stare or an apathetic response. I am not sure if I had built up his reaction in my mind and was dissappointed, or if he really was just being lazy and not giving back what was being given. We are working past a lot of that now, and things are great.

However, it has me thinking back to those times and wondering, 'What did I do wrong'? I don't want to bring them back up to him right now, because I hate for him to feel like I am keeping score. I would like to put it to rest in my head at some point soon. 

So, men...would you care to be brutally honest and share some moments when a sexual experience was presented to you that just really wasn't your cup of tea? What was it, why did it not really work for you, how do you feel you handled it? Did you communicate with your partner about what you liked and didn't like? When? Right that moment, later on down the line, never?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OMG I cannot imagine such a thing ever happening as me being apathetic if my wife did those things.

My experience as a husband has been the same as your experience, with my wife either being oblivious of advances or outright rejecting scenarios or ideas which were not vanilla at 10pm on a Saturday night.

I know now my wife's issues are related to her child sex abuse, but only recently found that out. For darn near 30 years I had no idea. So it made no sense she would turn down suggestions or say she was uncomfortable with normal stuff. I went to Paris (she turned down the invite to go with me over the holidays) and brought back some lingerie which she stuffed in the back of her dresser and never ever wore. She refused all kinds of normal stuff she did with other boyfriends before me, like on the beach or in the car.

Anyhow I understand how you feel with the rejections. It isn't just the rejection of sex but it is the dismissal of your creativity and thoughtfulness you put into the scenarios.

If my wife came to me in the ways you've described I would've been ecstatic. Part of my initial attraction to my wife was her open sexuality. I had some jealousy of her experiences (not of the other guys) which I wanted to have also. So when she rejects things she did with numerous other guys or when she makes a face at a new idea it definitely cuts deep.

It is possible you had sometimes too much invested in his approval of your scenario. But really it is crushing when every time it is a rejection. So I don't think what you've described is unreasonable from your side.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm with Thor. I would be thrilled with the efforts you mention. I have made so many attempts like these and gotten an indifferent or negative response. On many levels I don't get it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Agree with Shoto1984 and Thor - I would have been thrilled if my wife had ever introduced something new into our sex life. It was usually me introducing everything. So with that in mind:

Failures - sex in the bathtub (our first year of marriage) - bruised knees and bumped heads - but we both laughed about it. Major failure - toys (for her) - this was later in our marriage and my wife was simply NOT into the idea. Failure throughout marriage - 69. We both liked oral, but my wife never liked doing it at the same time. Success - watching couples porn on occasion together. Success - the one thing I remember my wife doing is one day showing up with a full Brazilian. Just the thought of her doing this for me was a turn on.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with all of the above posters.

I would have loved it if my wife did ANYTHING like you've outlined above.....SIGH

You don't have any sisters do you?


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

To offer a defence of your husband, I think I've often reacted the same way to things like "dressing up in an outfit, recreating our bedroom outside (we live way out), trying the whole romantic dinner served nude scene, or outright surprise 'take me now' moments". From my wife and previous girlfriends.

I think there are two reasons, and I'll try to be as honest and plain as possible.

The main one is that those sort of pre-sex plans don't really add anything to the sex you're about to have. Ultimately, whether you've served a romantic dinner nude, or dressed up in an outfit, or whatever else, you're still going to just end up having sex. My honest feeling as a man is, "Okay, we're going to end up having sex so...shall we just have sex and cut the middle man?"

In other words I'd much rather walk through the door and have my wife or girlfriend initiate sex right off the bat than anything else.

If she's really into the pre-sex palaver then of course I'll go along with it. But if I do it is entirely for her and not for me.

The second reason is that dressing up in particular does nothing for me, and your husband may be the same. With fancy lingerie my attitude is that it's nice to look at for a little while, but it'll end up on the floor anyway and I'm more interested in what's underneath. With things like nurse's uniforms, devil outfits, etc., I just think it's silly and will without fail start laughing. It's not a turn off, but as something "spicy" it just makes me feel, meh. (Well, maybe with the honourable exceptions of a school girl outfit and a sexy santa's elf outfit... ) 

I like to experiment sexually, but for me that's always been once the physical contact really begins. Creating scenarios, role play, outfits and the like just aren't my thing.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> I am not sure what I hope to achieve by asking this question, but it's something that I think about quite often. Maybe I am just hoping for come clarity?
> 
> During the beginning of our 18 year marriage, there were many times that I tried to produce a new experience for our sex life. Whether it was dressing up in an outfit, recreating our bedroom outside (we live way out), trying the whole romantic dinner served nude scene, or outright surprise 'take me now' moments.
> 
> ...


Some men, after a years worth of sex with the same woman, place sex in the 'scratch an itch' column. As such, it probably doesn't matter what you do it isn't going to arouse him much as there's nothing new to see. Worse yet, if you ask him what arouses him, if he tells you then the present is already out of the box and it probably won't work. 

I tend to lean that way (not fully, but sort of). So what to do? I suggest be more subtle. Wear some new scents and make it a point to get a little closer to him on those days. Maybe make it a point to start going braless at night when it's just the two of you, but make it no big deal. Cook more of his favorite foods or ask what he wants... not that this will turn him into some super loveer, but evey guy has his trigger points. You just have to find them. I also hesitate to say this, but maybe try some deviant sex. Expand your boundaries a bit... I mean, every guy has some filthy thoughts of things they want to do and, again, find them.

As couples age, sometimes it's also better to strive for quality of sex over quantity.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I get this. My ex did the same thing. I tried various things over the years.... nothing too wild and crazy. He either ignored, rejected or outright laughed at my attempts. 

I think he was just lazy. He liked to talk all macho, more like a caveman... but really, he was vanilla once-a-week. 

New H.... loooooooooooves any and every attempt!! Which was awkward for me to believe, or to even try. I admit, I was afraid of the rejection... and didn't want to be laughed at. Hasn't happened yet. This guy appreciates all sexual efforts! Lucky for me!!!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

opensesame said:


> To offer a defence of your husband, I think I've often reacted the same way to things like "dressing up in an outfit, recreating our bedroom outside (we live way out), trying the whole romantic dinner served nude scene, or outright surprise 'take me now' moments". From my wife and previous girlfriends.
> 
> I think there are two reasons, and I'll try to be as honest and plain as possible.
> 
> ...


I'm the same way.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

opensesame said:


> To offer a defence of your husband, I think I've often reacted the same way to things like "dressing up in an outfit, recreating our bedroom outside (we live way out), trying the whole romantic dinner served nude scene, or outright surprise 'take me now' moments". From my wife and previous girlfriends.
> 
> I think there are two reasons, and I'll try to be as honest and plain as possible.
> 
> ...


As a young man years ago this is how I thought.

now as an experianced more mature man I realise that I was shooting my self in the foot.any time someone is putting in effort to seduce you .......you would be a fool in my opinion not to gush about how hot sexy/cleaver/and just plain HOT ....oh said hot already. this will make her feel great and I don't know about you but when my wife feels great she is more willing to make me feel great.

then as you start actually having sex you can chime in with you look so awsome with that on how about some oral you sexy thing!!!!! or whatever you want to try.

you got to make them feel sexy for them to want to be sexy for you. and I got to say a blank stare dosn't give the I am happy you went through all this trouble to show how freaking sexy you are. gives just the oppsite and could derail you sex life.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> I am not sure what I hope to achieve by asking this question, but it's something that I think about quite often. Maybe I am just hoping for come clarity?
> 
> During the beginning of our 18 year marriage, there were many times that I tried to produce a new experience for our sex life. Whether it was dressing up in an outfit, recreating our bedroom outside (we live way out), trying the whole romantic dinner served nude scene, or outright surprise 'take me now' moments.
> 
> ...


I'm not a man but I hope you don't mind if I weigh in here.

my SO and I had this issue,a lot.I'd get all dolled up in something i thought was really hot and sexy and was met with something less than enthusiasm.Same thing with planning sexual exploits that you'd read about and drool over in any steamy novel.
all met with a disappointing lack of reaction.

I addressed it and expressed how hurt and disappointed I was.He said it was because no one had ever done those things for him in the past and he wasn't sure how to react.He blamed his social awkwardness and sexual inexperience on his lack of response to me.

Not sure if that helps but it helped me understand his reaction a lot better.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I live for the kind of experiences you outlined. And they certainly illustrate that you were able to take great emotional risks in demonstrating your love for your husband.

To not have that acknowledged or reciprocated, just sucks ... 

To have to put that side of you away because your partner doesn't respond to it, equally sucks.

I'm glad that you and your spouse are on an upswing, and it may not be worth trying to revive those kind of moments, if he isn't likely to respond to them.

But ... I think you have every right to express to him that his response, or lack of response, at a time when you were trying to foster intimacy, hurt very much.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

In my mind, its not so much what your partner is doing. ie, it may or may not be your thing and yes in the end you're going to end up having sex as you might usually do. The larger point, I think, is that a lot of effort is being made to make things nice.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think there are people who live at a low level. Either they choose it or they fall into a rut without fully realizing it. They wake up everyday and don't think "wow, what a great day!" I guess we call them "glass half empty" types. My point being that if their outlook is pessimistic overall it will probably be the same regarding sex no matter what you do. The other thing that comes to mind is the connection between you. If there are issues that keep you apart then there can be a lack of connection in your sex life too. I guess this is obvious but...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Us men can be very insensitive,
At times......
Wife makes a huge effort , and he is just like * shrugs *

Its like your little 5 yr old kid running into you excitedly with some new " discovery" and you pay no attention.
I really don't think there any justifiable explanation for that.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> I think there are people who live at a low level. Either they choose it or they fall into a rut without fully realizing it. They wake up everyday and don't think "wow, what a great day!" I guess we call them "glass half empty" types. My point being that if their outlook is pessimistic overall it will probably be the same regarding sex no matter what you do. The other thing that comes to mind is the connection between you. If there are issues that keep you apart then there can be a lack of connection in your sex life too. I guess this is obvious but...


For me it's the opposite. I love women and I love the female form, and that means I love natural love making. And I also love spontaneous, breathless, just-go-for it sex.

But dressing sex up in what I see as fripperies doesn't push my buttons - I don't think it needs it.

That doesn't mean I will show that to my partner - if she wants the fripperies, of course I'll go along. Doesn't change the fact they don't turn me on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> In my mind, its not so much what your partner is doing. ie, it may or may not be your thing and yes in the end you're going to end up having sex as you might usually do. The larger point, I think, is that a lot of effort is being made to make things nice.


Just like Deejo said...I live for this kind of special effort that the OP is putting out. She is trying with lots of effort and thought to make things nicer as Shoto says. That is incredible and should be met with appreciation and thanks at a minimum from her husband, even if it wasn't exactly what he liked!!! 

There are so many couples where one person is trying anything to read, study, understand, and improve their marriage while the other person is just coasting and content with a mediocre, vanilla life. It is a shame to me, but I see it all the time. The "coasting" person doesn't usually recognize this until the other person builds up enough resentment and stops trying. I applaud to OP for her effort.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Another thought for the OP: it can depend a lot on context. Did you often spring these things on your husband as a surprise? Perhaps when he got home from work?

Sometimes a surprise can be fun, sometimes not. Again, I am trying to keep things honest: often, after a hard day at work, I just want to come home and flop down on the sofa for a while just to let my mind unwind - I might not want to be faced with having to key myself up for a drawn-out sexual encounter. People are just tired sometimes.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

opensesame said:


> To offer a defence of your husband, I think I've often reacted the same way to things like "dressing up in an outfit, recreating our bedroom outside (we live way out), trying the whole romantic dinner served nude scene, or outright surprise 'take me now' moments". From my wife and previous girlfriends.
> 
> I think there are two reasons, and I'll try to be as honest and plain as possible.
> 
> ...


I want to thank everyone for the responses, and even more so, for the honesty. Opensesame especially, you may have the most in common with my husband's way of thinking. It helps to give me a glimpse as to how my husband may have felt about past experiences. 

I appreciate that if you get involved with things that do not necessarily excite you, that you go along with it for her at least. I do hope that you are a bit more forward thinking than my own husband and meet it with enough enthusiasm to at least not make her feel silly. Because, that is one of the most awful, gut wrenching feelings, to have put yourself out there, and be knocked down by someone you trusted.

We have been working on our relationship for a little over a year, since an EA (on his part) almost ruined our marriage. In that time, he has become more responsive and has even initiated some fun little 'extras'. It has taken a lot for us to get to this point, and I just didn't want to rehash things and make him feel like I was trying to 'keep score'. 

IMO, offering up fun things to try isn't work at all. I love thinking about ways to turn him on, and to turn myself on. In all of this, I am better learning what does get his motor running, but he is still slow in communicating that. We are taking small steps.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> I want to thank everyone for the responses, and even more so, for the honesty. Opensesame especially, you may have the most in common with my husband's way of thinking. It helps to give me a glimpse as to how my husband may have felt about past experiences.
> 
> I appreciate that if you get involved with things that do not necessarily excite you, that you go along with it for her at least. I do hope that you are a bit more forward thinking than my own husband and meet it with enough enthusiasm to at least not make her feel silly. Because, that is one of the most awful, gut wrenching feelings, to have put yourself out there, and be knocked down by someone you trusted.
> 
> ...


Yes, I'd never refuse to play along if my wife went to a lot of trouble preparing an evening together. That's just good manners as well as being a good husband.

Another thing I wanted to say is that we men are used to not getting all the sex that we want. From our teenage years we are used to putting ourselves out there and being rejected by women. (It even happens to stunningly attractive, unbelievably charming men like me. ) So if as older adults we turn a woman down, we probably don't appreciate that it is hurtful to her because we have developed a thick skin for that kind of thing and have forgotten what it is like to be hurt by rejection!


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

opensesame said:


> Another thought for the OP: it can depend a lot on context. Did you often spring these things on your husband as a surprise? Perhaps when he got home from work?
> 
> Sometimes a surprise can be fun, sometimes not. Again, I am trying to keep things honest: often, after a hard day at work, I just want to come home and flop down on the sofa for a while just to let my mind unwind - I might not want to be faced with having to key myself up for a drawn-out sexual encounter. People are just tired sometimes.


A good point also. However, I can't say that he gets a free pass for that one, since so many different types of scenerios have been offered.

One time, I thought I would be 'cute' and send him a text from the bedroom (he was in the living room). I sent him something to affect of, 'I am in the mood for you so badly, come and join me in the bedroom?' No answer. I sent another one...just a 'Hey...is this thing on?' Then one more, 'Hi?'. I realized he probably just had it on vibrate, and wasn't hearing it. So, I slipped on a robe and nothing else, and walking out to the living room. I stepped in front of the TV, let the robe slip down past my shoulders, and said, Hey, I realized you might not be getting my messages on your phone, so I came out to see if you would like to join me in the bedroom. 

I swear...I didn't have a tone, I didn't accuse him of ignoring me, it was just a fun invitation. We ended up in an argument instead. He was mad that I sent the messages instead of directly inviting him. *sigh*


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> Just like Deejo said...I live for this kind of special effort that the OP is putting out. She is trying with lots of effort and thought to make things nicer as Shoto says. That is incredible and should be met with appreciation and thanks at a minimum from her husband, even if it wasn't exactly what he liked!!!
> 
> There are so many couples where one person is trying anything to read, study, understand, and improve their marriage while the other person is just coasting and content with a mediocre, vanilla life. It is a shame to me, but I see it all the time. The "coasting" person doesn't usually recognize this until the other person builds up enough resentment and stops trying. I applaud to OP for her effort.



You are quite right that the one making the effort will stop trying at some point. After years of getting rejected, I did stop trying. Once I did, I guess he realized he missed the effort. Instead of working that out with me, he found someone else to turn his attentions to. Thankfully, I knew something was up, and quickly discovered the EA. Thus started my time on here. 

Since then, things really have been improving. It's slow, but it's on the up  I am really enjoying the process of us getting closer and have really been enjoying the improved sex life! I can finally start having fun with sex again, and stop worrying so much about his reaction.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I agree with all of the above posters.
> 
> I would have loved it if my wife did ANYTHING like you've outlined above.....SIGH
> 
> You don't have any sisters do you?


lol Sorry, only one and she is sadly LD...almost the supreme definition of LD.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I also hesitate to say this, but maybe try some deviant sex. Expand your boundaries a bit... I mean, every guy has some filthy thoughts of things they want to do and, again, find them.
> 
> As couples age, sometimes it's also better to strive for quality of sex over quantity.



Sad to say...that was what brought on the worst reactions...anything really 'out of the ordinary'. Vanilla, only vanilla, not even a few sprinkles! 

I appreciate your points about the subtleties...that is something I need to keep in my head. I am not a subtle person, I may have taken too much of the 'chase' out of the game. However it's hard to be 'it' if no one wants to chase you!


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## timeforchange2013 (Feb 10, 2013)

Wow thanks for pointing me here. You are so right. This sounds so much like my sexually frustrated deprived situation!!


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## timeforchange2013 (Feb 10, 2013)

And I agree the chase is crucial.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> One time, I thought I would be 'cute' and send him a text from the bedroom (he was in the living room). I sent him something to affect of, 'I am in the mood for you so badly, come and join me in the bedroom?' No answer. I sent another one...just a 'Hey...is this thing on?' Then one more, 'Hi?'. I realized he probably just had it on vibrate, and wasn't hearing it. So, I slipped on a robe and nothing else, and walking out to the living room. I stepped in front of the TV, let the robe slip down past my shoulders, and said, Hey, I realized you might not be getting my messages on your phone, so I came out to see if you would like to join me in the bedroom.
> 
> I swear...I didn't have a tone, I didn't accuse him of ignoring me, it was just a fun invitation. We ended up in an argument instead. He was mad that I sent the messages instead of directly inviting him. *sigh*



Keep trying to bring more spice to your marriage. I wish my wife would do things like this. She just has never thought of herself as sexy....or maybe it is because she believes good girls don't have sex. Eitherway, I applaud your efforts!!!!


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