# Dysfunctional sex was more damaging than I thought!



## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

As my wife and I are discussing whether or not we should divorce after 16yrs, the topic of our sex habits came up.

Now we met at 19 so neither of us had more than a few previous partners but I had enough to know what I liked and what I didn't. My W has always liked quick, hot, passionate sex. Not big on foreplay or oral, I'm completly the opposite.

We've been best friends all these years, have two great kids, have built several houses together etc, but the mis-matched sex life and her lack of physical touching like hugs, massage, holding hands has never changed.

Because of reading posts here I now see more clearly how this affected our marriage and how much anamosity grew inside me. 

I confronted her about it the other night and focused on the lack of oral, I can list off the few feeble BJ's I recieved over the 16 yrs and asked why she made me feel like such a jerk for wanting more (especially when I would go down on her, or offer).

She laughed and jokingly said "I'm a princess, I don't have to do that. Blowjobs are for fat girls". She admitted that she knew I liked watching her undress and would flaunt her body to get power over me but was usually too lazy to have sex with me because I took too long (15 mins would be a record!). So I turned to porn because once a week was not enough.

I'm a pretty aggressive guy in most aspects of my life so I don't know why I put up with it, I guess I was frustrated and still in lust with her. The good news is our little talk sparked her admitting a lot of other problems like anorexia and her fathers emotional abuse. And she has started IC for the first time ever.

I still don't know if there is a future for us but it's nice to look back and clearly see how bad sex affected my daily behaviour and all the other things she's blaming her fleeing on!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> She laughed and jokingly said "I'm a princess, I don't have to do that. Blowjobs are for fat girls".


not cool.. I don't see how you could put up with that attitude for 16 years.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

nader said:


> not cool.. I don't see how you could put up with that attitude for 16 years.


Honestly, most of the married guys I was friends with would complain about no bj's and as their wives had kids and got older they got fatter.

Mine stayed skinny, I felt bad complaining and thought I was making too big a deal of it.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

It is good to see you are recognizing the importance of sex.

Marriage, it is a sexual relationship. To be happily married, it is crucial to be happily sexually as well.

The comment about being a princess? You have GOT to study and master the art of "fitness test" (Sh!t test) with your woman, she is throwing you some good ones. 

Also this, you ask her why she makes you "feel" like a jerk for wanting BJs and such.

Yourself, and any good man reading this thread take this to heart, do not believe feeling like a jerk comes from anyone other than yourself!

It is 100 percent okay to be a jerk, be selfish, or any other name calling you wish, concerning your own sexual desires or appetites.

The complaint on this board so often, women want "bad boys" or want a$$holes, or "nice guys" finish last, all these things are this one thing:

A woman, she wants to FEEL and EXPERIENCE that her man is indeed the kind of man that will stand up for himself, will pursue what he desires, and is of the mettle to know what he wants and be the man to get it.

This is the root of fitness tests, why the "nice guy" finishes last, why the jerk will get the girl, all these things, because the "nice guy" man fails to realize it is okay (and expected!) to take the risk put himself and his desires on display, to be bold and expect the many bjs, the frequent sex, the variety of sex, the aggresive sex, and the darkest fantasy sex he can imagine with his woman.

A woman in a relatoinship with her man, she is THRILLED to take this journey into his fantasies, and she will most often then realize it is safe to open up to her own fantasies as well, taking her man to places he himself perhaps never dared to imagine! 

But a woman, she will NEVER be thrilled to take this journey with the man who is afraid or timid to even take a step in this direction. 

A knight unwilling to slay the dragon, is not going to win the princess. Take that to the bank.

Good men, do not be afraid to be selfish from time to time concerning your sexual desires and appetites, it is the often the gateway to the fulfilling sex life you are craving!


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Hell yeah Wolf! I've heard of that fitness test, I better look it up.

I've been much more alpha in the past with better results, I somehow turned into a bit of a nice guy over the years. We kind of switched roles actually, I've been my old self again now that I have nothing to lose and she needs it.

(Avett bros. rule btw)


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Wow, I thought a fitness test was some self-help thing so I never clicked on those posts. You're right wolf, she's throwing me some good ones! hmmm.....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wrench said:


> My W has always liked quick, hot, passionate sex.


It sounds like she likes it quick. The other two, not so much. To be brutally honest if it were me, I'd accommodate the quick part and just bang her like a washtub. Over and over. Wherever, whenever. Standing, from behind, in public, what ever. And when I finished I'd just zip up and leave the room. And no talking, ever. Call her bluff, so to speak.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> It sounds like she likes it quick. The other two, not so much. To be brutally honest if it were me, I'd accommodate the quick part and just bang her like a washtub. Over and over. Wherever, whenever. Standing, from behind, in public, what ever. And when I finished I'd just zip up and leave the room. And no talking, ever. Call her bluff, so to speak.


Good advice, I was quoting her on the "hot and passionate" part

The thing is the ex guy she was trying to start an EA with banged her like a **** in bathroom stalls, just quietly tells her shut up when she gets whiney and she longs for him. I'm "too much like everyone else in her life who treats her like a princess" she said yesterday.

I think I respect her too much, how stupid is that! I need to learn WHAM BAM, GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH MA'AM!:rofl:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Another princess. How wonderful for you (not). I suspect several withholders assume they are royalty. You may have received the most honest response ever.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When she says "Make me feel like a woman", hand her the laundry.


(just kidding)


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Wrench said:


> As my wife and I are discussing whether or not we should divorce after 16yrs, the topic of our sex habits came up.
> 
> Now we met at 19 so neither of us had more than a few previous partners but I had enough to know what I liked and what I didn't. My W has always liked quick, hot, passionate sex. Not big on foreplay or oral, I'm completly the opposite.
> 
> ...


Old thread, but gives great inside to a LD and low sexuality behavior. I like how the poster mentions that being controlled in his sex situation bled to all of his situations affecting his life.


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