# wife not happy said she doesn't love me any more considering divorce



## guest5

hey guys new here. i didn't know where else to vent and to get some advice. 
a little background. i've been married to my wife for two years and recently celebrated our two year anniversary this past may. we had been dating for 3 years before that. she recently told me that she isn't happy and doesn't love me anymore. this was the second time she told me this. previously she blindsided me about 8 months ago telling me that she wasn't happy and didn't love me. i told her that if it was me that i would change my behaviour. she said that she didn't know how to deal with my temper and my moodiness. and that she had lost the passion for me like she had when we first started dating. i told her that i would change and try my hardest to control my temper. she told me yesterday that i have changed and i have been the greatest husband but the passion and the love isn't there anymore. she said that its not me but its her. she says that for the past two months she has been depressed about this and trying to find the right time to tell me. she told me that my temper in the past has driven her away and its not there anymore. she said that she tried for the past 8 months but its not there. 
we both are residents at separate hospitals. i am about 1.5 hr away i come home every weekend as my program is more leinant about time off. many weeks we both log in 60-70 hrs. we started dating in medical school and have been through alot of craziness. i love my wife and she is my world. i don't know what to do. she denies another man. she has agreed to marriage counseling. we sleep in separate bedrooms when i come home due to our hours. she doesn't have a relationship with her dad as her parents divorced when she was little. her mother has been divorced twice and she grew up with her mother. 
i apologize for the length of my post but i am at a loss as to what to do. i love my wife and she is the center of my world. i try to put her on a pedestal and i have been a jerk in the past it just seems like she is judging me based on my past actions and i can't change that. i feel hopeless. please help with some advice. i don't want to get divorced.


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## upset/confused

Get into maritial counseling together and get her into individual counseling. She may have issues with abandonment. I use to flee when I didnt understand myself.


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## guest5

we will go to marriage counseling. i just talked to her and she says that she has resentment towards me for all the times that we fought and all of the times that i turned her down for sex. when we first started in our relationship she would try to have sex all the time but because of my lack of experience i would many times turn her down. she herself says that she has resentment towards that. she also says that she had resentment towards our fighting. she is the type of person that internalizes everything and holds it in her own self admittance. she is passive aggressive and is hard for her to let things go. i was raised differently where we were taught to confront issues yell to get your point across and be done with it and move on. by her own admittance she was not brought up to yell and be confrontational. 
i discussed stuff earlier with her and she said that she feels we had a shortened dating phase because we knew each other as classmates. she also feels that we didn't have a honeymoon phase shortly after our marriage because we fought alot right after marriage. i feel like we had a shortened dating phase and our honeymoon phase happened shortly after she moved in with me and a couple of years before we got married.

i've looked at this from every angle and just don't know. she promised to give mc a try but couldn't promise on how it was going to work out.


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## upset/confused

She also needs her own therapist. The MC will only work on your issues and if she is resenting you, she needs to find out why (like you pushed her away). If she doesnt get that figured out, it will come back. Whether you are together or not, it will return. I have resentment towards my spouse because he flat out left me hanging out to dry when I needed someone to watch my back. I ended up hating him and pushing him away until he had an affair. Two years later, we are still in the same spot. He had left me alone again EA and I am seeing a therapist to fix me now. Screw him, I am important now. If he comes around, great, if not, bye-bye. I love him but can't be rejected when he desires.


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## guest5

upset/confused said:


> She also needs her own therapist. The MC will only work on your issues and if she is resenting you, she needs to find out why (like you pushed her away). If she doesnt get that figured out, it will come back. Whether you are together or not, it will return. I have resentment towards my spouse because he flat out left me hanging out to dry when I needed someone to watch my back. I ended up hating him and pushing him away until he had an affair. Two years later, we are still in the same spot. He had left me alone again EA and I am seeing a therapist to fix me now. Screw him, I am important now. If he comes around, great, if not, bye-bye. I love him but can't be rejected when he desires.


thank you for the advise. i can't stop beating myself up for being so stupid with the way i treated her but at the same time i feel like im being punished for something that i did 3-4 years ago and by her account i have changed a complete 180 after she brought to light things i needed to change. i just don't understand.


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## guest5

well a little update: 

Last year we went to mc and all seemed well. we stopped going because my wife said we were doing better. 

fast forward to this past weekend when i had extended time off. im off for the next 9 days. (usually i work 2 hour away during the week and im back on weekends)
my wife has been acting distant this past weekend and i got the feeling she was upset or burdened by something. last night she approached me and informed me she couldn't do this anymore and wanted a divorce. She said that after MC she tried and tried to fall back in love with me but just hasn't been able to. she wanted a divorce.
fast forward to today. we sat down and talked and came to a conclusion that a divorce was not the answer but we will try the separation. she went and signed a lease to an apt and changed joint finances to personal ones. We sat down and had a long heart to hear talk
basically she said that she doesn't see herself having my child and growing old with me. she says that she loves me but is not in love with me. she also states that we shouldn't have gotten married because we had issues before. goes on to say that i was very controlling and that it is her fault for not bringing up the issues in our marriage to my attention earlier. she states that for the last 2 years i have completely changed to a genuinely nice person that is caring and not controlling but she is unable to overlook the past and move on. she goes on to say that at this time she doesn't love me and doesn't know if that will ever change.

i guess my question is where do we go from here? i've never tried separation before. she is going to go see the MC by herself as she admits she has her own issues to work out.
what am i to expect? how often to i talk to her?


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## jdlash

Do you avoid conflict with her? Do you do things for yourself even if she pushes you not to? Are you always the one that apolagizes?


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## guest5

jdlash said:


> Do you avoid conflict with her? Do you do things for yourself even if she pushes you not to? Are you always the one that apolagizes?


I have these past two years after she expressed to me she was unhappy with my temper.

I have to give more insight, her mother was in an abusive relationship when she was 5. she remembers running and hiding with her mother from this man. she told me yesterday that she was scared of me in the beginning to tell me my faults in fear of abuse, but she understands now that i would never have hit her. I've never hit her or hinted at hitting her, i've never cheated on her. i do admit to having a bad temper and being moody. i am guilty of resolving conflict through confrontation as i admitted in a previous thread.

She also did say that the past two years she has become more of herself and that she fells like she is getting back to her old self, but feels that she needs her own place to complete that and not live in the house we rent from my parents. by her own admissions she feels that mc by herself would benefit her more. 

My question is do I start over and try courting her?


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## Mr Blunt

Do not beat yourself up because by what you posted your wife has the problem within herself. You already seem to be beating yourself up and thinking that you can fix her. You cannot fix her and should not be blaming your self for what is her responsibility.

You asked the question of:
*My question is do I start over and try courting her?*

Based upon the council of a very famous marriage counselor the answer is no.

Rather than me tell you about this I am reprinting some of the actual words of his advise for a spouse that feels trapped and wants out.

*Let the Trapped Partner Out*
Hope for dying marriages is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives.

*Opening the Cage Door*
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.
There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will. 


*Avoid Being a Used Car Salesman*
To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, "I think I'll die if you don't marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don't turn me down," etc. 

Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, "Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I've only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I'll go straight out and kill myself!" 
This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to "sell himself" to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest.

If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn't love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time. 

From the June 2000 Focus on the Family newsletter. Copyright © 2000, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.



*Sending the Right Message*
Groveling techniques increase the depth of disrespect by the escaping spouse.

*The Right Message*
If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right:

"John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.

As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.

I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."


*Setting Your Spouse Free*
Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances — her grasping hands — any more. 
"But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure." 

It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious — that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.

From the June 2000 Focus on the Family newsletter. Copyright © 2000, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.



*Tough Love Brings Subtle Changes*
Interesting changes begin to occur if the more vulnerable spouse convinces the partner that his freedom is secure.
If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme.

Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously "grabby" lover begins to let go of the cool spouse: 

1.	The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased. 

2.	As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home! 

3.	The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.


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## mrstj4sho88

It sounds like she has her own issues. I would tell you to start living life without her. She may or may not return. But you need to start putting yourself first . You should keep going to MC. Just be glad you two don't have kids. IMO she does not know what she want now. But the problem is hers not yours anymore.


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## guest5

thank you all for the great advice. i guess deep down inside i knew i had to let her go as i couldn't go through this every year. it is tough as i thought she was my soul mate. my hope is that our separation will bring us closer together and that the time away will allow her to heal herself and begin to love again.....i want her to fall in love with me again but if not with me i want her to be able to love again. 

it is an awkward place i am in now....


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## SkyHigh

The question is, do you love yourself.


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## guest5

SkyHigh said:


> The question is, do you love yourself.


yes very much so.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2

I think you just start over. Relationships shouldn't be this difficult, this early. I don't know your situation, but is it possible she is having an affair, emotional or physical? 

I would consider reviewing her phone logs, computer, and maybe even place a voice recorder in her car. I would also consider taking an extra few days off during the week and not tell her, just surprise her.


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## guest5

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> I think you just start over. Relationships shouldn't be this difficult, this early. I don't know your situation, but is it possible she is having an affair, emotional or physical?
> 
> I would consider reviewing her phone logs, computer, and maybe even place a voice recorder in her car. I would also consider taking an extra few days off during the week and not tell her, just surprise her.


i've asked her and i've talked to her mother who she is very close to about possibly having another man whether its physical or emotional. both have adamently said no. i believe her as i have always trusted her and she has not had any changes in behavior that would make me suspect otherwise. i am away 5 days out of the week so that could be different. but i do feel that it is not someone else. 

i do feel that it is her issues with my past behaviors that has brought it to this point.


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