# I am the cheater



## jacjohn111211 (Jan 9, 2013)

My husband and I seperated in Jan. 2012. (This seperation was not due to infidelity.Long Story but i think we was both broken hearted) 

During this seperation I had another relationship, however around May 2012 I started talking to hubby again. We agreed to work things out. In June 2012 I chose the OM over him after promising to hubby that I would end the relationship with the other man. 

THIS WAS A LIE! I DID NOT END IT IMMEDIATELY!

In July 2012 my husband and I moved back in together. At this point I did end all contact with OM.

-My Facebook Account has been deleted. We have one FB that is toghether.
-All email cell phones etc are accesible to hubby at anytime.
-I agreed not to have any contact with a friend whom was by best friend for 14 yrs because she has contact with OM.
-I have hashed out details of how many times we had sex, where and what it was like. 
-I have tried to give an explanation of why I chose OM over him in June after promising not to.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. 

Hubby does not have any trust in me, and I know this is because I broke it. But how do I get it back?

If I go to the store and it takes to long he asks did I run into anyone or did I stop by anywhere.

Now we are to the point where he asks if there has been anyone else during our seperation. I tell him no. I have told him about occasions of me going out and the friends I was with. 

I am being 100% truthful and open to him... and he tells me he loves me and wants to believe me...

I feel like I am being called a liar all the time. (When this occurs it makes me angry and get all defensive)

Yes I was in the wrong for what I did, and I know I have to be willing to accept the consequences.

But has anyone truely ever got the:confused trust back for spouse after infidelity?

What other steps can I take for him to believe in me?

:scratchhead:


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## jacjohn111211 (Jan 9, 2013)

Sorry for the misspellings!


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## lonewolf8545 (Jan 12, 2013)

You broke his trust in you a few times. I don't blame him for not trusting you and questioning your every move. Personally, it would drive me crazy worrying about what your up too. Seriously, what makes this time any different for you? 

Seems to me like you jerked both your husband and the OM around all year. If you didn't have enough respect for your husband not to have an affair (again) then you should have just left him.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if I was your husband I'd divorce you. Its going to be very hard for him to ever have faith in you again and in the process your going to drive him nuts.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

JJ

As a Betrayed Spouse, the most devastating thing is the betrayal itself. The lying, the sneaking around. My DDay happened over a year ago. I have trouble trusting my girlfriend... She didn't do anything to me. It stems from what happened with my EX. It is hugely emotionally scarring.

I think you expect too much too fast. Your husband will NEVER trust you like he did before. He comes back to the marriage more aware. It will lessen over time. If you want reconciliation, you have to work very hard and it will take a long time. It will never fully heal for him. I know from experience. 

You chose the OM over your H. What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot? How hard would you take that? It's tough. Be patient and work with him. If you get angry, direct it at yourself... he didn't choose OW over you... you did that, then you lied to him... Yeah that's a lot of trust thrown away right there and he is coping with it for a reason. He loves you and doesn't trust you... You need to earn that back


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You did lie to your husband, so he has cause to have low trust in you. He is also hurting, so this will come out in negative ways. 

When it happens, be understanding and find ways to reassure him. Do not get angry and tell him he is being to sensitive. This will set off his defenses as most liars use anger of the indignity of being accused as a defense mechanism to keep from having to answer the question.

Get a phone location program, set it up and give him the passwords. Have him come to the store with you. Do things together. Set up a regular time, 30m per week when he can ask anything and you promise to answer and not get angry no matter how goofy or accusatory it is.

Be patient, it will take a long time to rebuild trust. To even get that started the debris of deceit need to be cleared.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Read this:

http://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Understanding-Your-Betrayed-Spouse.pdf


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

Read this also

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

My Ex Wife thought it was worth going back ad forward too. She claimed as recently as new year that she loved me after quiet a few false R.

Do you know what a false R does? It chips away at remaining love, trust and friendship you thought you had with him.
He is doing his absolute best to keep what love he has alive despite at least one. If your honest with us how many times did you really contact the OM? I mean really. Be honest with your self.

Advice.
Don't wait to be asked. Volunteer information. bit late.. Call him!


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

You cheated and your bi*ching about the trust issues? seems like you should be glad of a second shot at all this. I guess you want to just jump back into things like nothing happend? sounds like cake eating


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Lordhavok said:


> You cheated and your bi*ching about the trust issues? seems like you should be glad of a second shot at all this. I guess you want to just jump back into things like nothing happend? sounds like cake eating


Isn't this a place for people to come to for support? Telling the poster what a terrible person she is isn't helping her: It's mean.

The question is: How do you regain trust back once you betrayed your spouse?

I don't have an answer. It depends on many factors. First, how important is the marriage to your spouse? If he feels he can replace you without much trouble then he isn't going to put effort into trusting you again. If he feels he want's to be with you forever even though you betrayed him then he is going to put the affair into perspective. He may not want to trust you again. If that is the case then your best bet is to move on, but first you need to find out what he really wants. Get a good MC and work on those issues.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> Isn't this a place for people to come to for support? Telling the poster what a terrible person she is isn't helping her: It's mean.
> 
> Not trying to be mean at all, and not saying she is a terrible person at all. To get support and regain trust starts with full disclosure, complaining about not being trusted is going to stunt all efforts to rebuild.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Why did you and the OM end? You have to do a no contact letter infront of your husband and you both send it. You have to cut the non-chalance about the damage you did deliberately to your marriage or you will be apt to do it again. 

You have to make an honest assessment of yourself. Until you put yourself into your husband's shoes, you won't be able to rebuild trust with him. True remorse will guide you to rebuilding trust. I can tell you it involves seriously nurturing and romancing your husband with all the love you possess and even finding some you don't even have. It also involves understanding the reality that he will never trust you 100% again, that's his right and it's for his own benefit and self-protection.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wow It sounds to me you think you are the only one with a problem. You have not concept of the turmoil you have created in his head and heart. You must rebuild the trust and it is on you not him. You have to own that.

I caught my wife 7/8/2011 and I still have these feelings when she is gone on her own. Have you even considered what goes on in his mind. He has mental images of you with the other man. That is like a knife to the heart.

Put on the big girl panties and deal with the trust issues. This will take 2 to 5 years to get past. I hope you both are in MC

Good Luck


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Sigh... for anyone who wants the "rest of the story"... here it is:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/65608-both-sides-lost.html#post1369198


ETA: Though, I am quite certain there is a LOT more to this story than this....


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

On you own get a calendar and write a timeline of the affair: Just facts ; When, who, where, what, how...
Then write the "story", your emotional, psychological journey. It will take a huge amoumt of self honesty, fighting the urge to minimize, rewrite, to put your actions and selfish choices in the best, more patalable light. Fight this. Write the story as if were only for your eyes. Since the "place"/instant you were before OM entered in the picture to the current date. All in the open.
You can include you recent realizations, how you believe you went toward that path awhat steps you are taking to "affair proof" yourself, you new boundaires, explain you personal commitment to fidelity and self respect.
Then contact police, DA or a good lawyer firm and search for a highly reputed polygraph, make the consult and save the money on you own.

Then give your husband the timeline and the affair "story" and the number of the polygraph agency for him to arrange it.

Friend, you have to embrace the fact that trust, once broke is very hard to regain. There're also different levels of trust. He may believe you are NC with (current) OM but maybe doesn't believe you really love him. Perhaps he believes that but doesn't believe you are safe becasue you still don't get it, didn't do the necessary selfwork to become a safe partner and it's a matter of time you will cheat again...

Accept he doesn't have to believe you. You cried wolf too many times. The only way to regain that trust is with consistence, I'm talking years. So be patient. Friend, blind trust won't be there again. That boat already sailed. Accept you are to be doubted, from your words to you actions to your intentions for years and years. If you can't better give up on your marriage now.
You are not safe, you are not trutworthy. It will be like this for a very long time. Accep it or leave.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Sigh... for anyone who wants the "rest of the story"... here it is:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/65608-both-sides-lost.html#post1369198
> 
> ...


It just looks like more of the same story to me. :scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to love your husband. If he doubts you, well, please remember your actions put the doubts in his mind.

Also you sliced away part of his person, his manhood.

Why? How did you do this?

You chose another man, over him, your husband.

Does that hurt? Yes, yes it does.

You'll really have to work with him to help him try to regain what you took from him. It won't be easy. For either of you. 

Perhaps couple's counselling might help?


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## jacjohn111211 (Jan 9, 2013)

Some details that was left out.. The 1st seperation was due to drug use that led to husband assaulting me and ending up in Jail. I did not have any contact with him from Jan 31-April 2012. My first contact with him was via telephone because he was still incarcerated. 

Yes I sought out comfort from another man. I was the one that said I would marry once and it would be until death do us apart with the exception of hitting and cheating. 

Yes I Lied to my husband the first couple months of contact. I was heartbroken and scared. (Yes this sounds like excuses.) 

I led both the OM and Hubby on and then when it got close for hubby to get a bond I chose the OM.

Hubby got a bond in July 2012, and from the day he has come home I have had ZERO contact with OM. 

I dont want to have my cake and eat it to. I want the man that I married. The man that I took vows with. The man that I worked with and shattered our vows together.

What I did was wrong. It went against every thing I believe in for marriage! 

I know that he is not going to trust me again over night. But I want him to remember the woman he fell in love with. The woman that would do anything to see him smile. The woman that use to be his best friend.

(PS He doesnt go to store with me because he is currently on GPS House Arrest and is only allowed to and from work until trial.)

When one relationship has had so much turmoil is love enough to survive it?


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## jacjohn111211 (Jan 9, 2013)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Why did you and the OM end? You have to do a no contact letter infront of your husband and you both send it. You have to cut the non-chalance about the damage you did deliberately to your marriage or you will be apt to do it again.
> 
> You have to make an honest assessment of yourself. Until you put yourself into your husband's shoes, you won't be able to rebuild trust with him. True remorse will guide you to rebuilding trust. I can tell you it involves seriously nurturing and romancing your husband with all the love you possess and even finding some you don't even have. It also involves understanding the reality that he will never trust you 100% again, that's his right and it's for his own benefit and self-protection.



Things ended with OM because he had issues with my contact with husband. He did not like the fact that I told stories of when things between hubby and I was good. 

My husband will tell u during the Feb-April timeframe he doesnt consider it an affair because we was not together. He tells me is what hurt him is when I gave him false hope that we was going to work our other issues out only to run off with OM after I made these promises.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Here's how you have to think of it. You're old marriage is dead. If your husband is willing, it's his decision by the way, then you can build a new marriage. But that new marriage will have to largely be carried by you. You'll have to be patient while he works through his emotions with regard to you. IT. WILL. TAKE. YEARS.


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## jacjohn111211 (Jan 9, 2013)

Acabado said:


> On you own get a calendar and write a timeline of the affair: Just facts ; When, who, where, what, how...
> Then write the "story", your emotional, psychological journey. It will take a huge amoumt of self honesty, fighting the urge to minimize, rewrite, to put your actions and selfish choices in the best, more patalable light. Fight this. Write the story as if were only for your eyes. Since the "place"/instant you were before OM entered in the picture to the current date. All in the open.
> You can include you recent realizations, how you believe you went toward that path awhat steps you are taking to "affair proof" yourself, you new boundaires, explain you personal commitment to fidelity and self respect.
> Then contact police, DA or a good lawyer firm and search for a highly reputed polygraph, make the consult and save the money on you own.
> ...


I really like the idea of writing a timeline of affair. I think it will give him and I perspective of my actions. Especially if I am doing it as a journal entry for me only.. my thoughts. I know I have lost all rights to any privacy.. 

You are correct I have some selfwork to do before we move forward.


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## jacjohn111211 (Jan 9, 2013)

Lordhavok said:


> Enchanted said:
> 
> 
> > Isn't this a place for people to come to for support? Telling the poster what a terrible person she is isn't helping her: It's mean.
> ...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hope the drug and assault issues are being worked on as well by your H.


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