# how can some people just not care?



## stunned (May 6, 2013)

My wife is the most stubborn person i've ever met. we're having issues right now and even though i don't think i'm the main one at fault, it seems that i'm the only one willing to work to save this 26 year relationship. we've been married 20 years and have 4 kids - 19 year old twin boys, a 16 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. i don't want to divorce, especially with kids that are so wonderful, but it's hard being married to someone that literally has never done anything wrong in her eyes. i told her i can't do all the work myself. that i can't save this on my own. we've gone through spells like this before but she's never not returned " i love you"s or maintained for this long that she's not sure what she wants to do. 
i can't get out of her exactly what is wrong or what i've done. she says that i always put her down and make her feel bad about herself. i guess there have been times when jokingly i've made fun of her but there's waaay more times that i've told her how beautiful she is or how great of a nurse i think she is. she never tells me anything positive. i've never heard that she thinks i'm good looking. i can't ever criticize anything that she does or i get told i'm putting her down again. yet she can yell and scream at me for doing whatever she think i did wrong and thats perfectly ok. i don't understand how this is fair and yet i'm always the bad guy.
i'm always the one that has to work to smooth things over. to make things better. it seems that we're only happy if i'm on my best behavior at all times while she can still be moody and crappy to me. 
and now after she has betrayed me i'm still the bad guy. and she is acting like she has done nothing wrong. i guess i just don't get it. and i don't know what to do...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> . i guess there have been times when jokingly i've made fun of her


Hate to say it but probably that's it.

Ask her.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

Thanks dallasapple.

ya i get that's probably it, but really, this is just and excuse. i tell her every day how much i love her, how she's beautiful. the small handful of times i might have done this are inconsequential. she's just always mad at me. i caught her in an EA last week. as usual she is not admitting anything. doesnt' even call it inappropriate. will not apologize. i don't get it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop trying to make it work. To be blunt, give slack on this marriage and see what happens. If she lets go, you have your answer. You can't force anything and you can't fix anything one sided (believe me). It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her if you are only staying because of the kids. Sounds like she's detaching and if she was and is in an EA, she's cheating.

YOU don't need her permission to 'get it'. You get it. She won't admit fault. She is cheating. She doesn't care what you think.

Talk to her. See what she says. But let it go a bit. Sometimes we get all the answers we need when we sit back, shut up and watch.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Stop trying to make it work. To be blunt, give slack on this marriage and see what happens. If she lets go, you have your answer. You can't force anything and you can't fix anything one sided (believe me). It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her if you are only staying because of the kids. Sounds like she's detaching and if she was and is in an EA, she's cheating.
> 
> YOU don't need her permission to 'get it'. You get it. She won't admit fault. She is cheating. She doesn't care what you think.
> 
> Talk to her. See what she says. But let it go a bit. Sometimes we get all the answers we need when we sit back, shut up and watch.


I think you're exactly right that girl. it's just so hard to do. i've always been the fixer, the one who has to make it better. but she'll NEVER admit to cheating. i told her that she betrayed me and she thinks i'm crazy for saying that. she doesn't think she did anything wrong at all. if i try to bring it up she goes crazy. i get no explanation and most importantly no closure. i agree with you that i probably need to back off, and i honestly think that if i do she will come to her senses. but i will have to rugsweep the whole thing and heal alone. and i know that's wrong.
i guess i'm just old fashioned though. it's just soooo frustrating. i guess no matter how well you know someone, you still don't know them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've been alive over 50 years and never met a woman who was wrong or felt the need to apologize. You could work three jobs, discover a cure for cancer, negotiate world peace, and fart "Dixie" with perfect pitch and tempo. You will never be quite right and it doesn't matter if it's this woman or some other.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

stunned said:


> Thanks dallasapple.
> 
> ya i get that's probably it, but really, this is just and excuse. i tell her every day how much i love her, how she's beautiful. the small handful of times i might have done this are inconsequential. she's just always mad at me. i caught her in an EA last week. as usual she is not admitting anything. doesnt' even call it inappropriate. will not apologize. i don't get it.


 I wasn't trying to blame you but you are here not her.What you mentioned causes resentment. Its not an excuse.No matter how many times you said I love you .

I can't ask her.You mentioned it so I assumed it was important.If not dismiss..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop trying to fix it.

Stop trying to make it better.

Just sit down, shut up and wait. This is what I told myself when my husband was doing god knows what. He just moved out. Divorce will be final in October. He left 2 years ago and I tried to fix it. I was up his ass trying to make everything better. He reluctantly gave in ( i see that now-- hindsight and all  ) and the problems came back because although I fixed MYSELF, and thought we had fixed US, he hadn't fixed shet inside himself....so when he left THIS time, I just sat down, shut up and waited.

And he showed me who he really was.

And I let go.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I've been alive over 50 years and never met a woman who was wrong or felt the need to apologize. You could work three jobs, discover a cure for cancer, negotiate world peace, and fart "Dixie" with perfect pitch and tempo. You will never be quite right and it doesn't matter if it's this woman or some other.


I admit when I'm wrong.

I apologize.

It's not WOMEN. It's the women you've known.

But I can fart Dixie too. Yes.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> I wasn't trying to blame you but you are here not her.What you mentioned causes resentment. Its not an excuse.No matter how many times you said I love you .
> 
> I can't ask her.You mentioned it so I assumed it was important.If not dismiss..


i understand where you were coming from. and i'm not perfect i know that. but she's just acting so different than ever before. it's weird.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I've been alive over 50 years and never met a woman who was wrong or felt the need to apologize. You could work three jobs, discover a cure for cancer, negotiate world peace, and fart "Dixie" with perfect pitch and tempo. You will never be quite right and it doesn't matter if it's this woman or some other.


Oh my gosh how sad! But I'm privelegded to be your first.I have been wrong MANY times...and I apologize.And I NEED to apologize actually to get it off my chest .

I apologize to my children ,my husband ,my mother ,my siblings,um friends sometimes over the years because at time I have been WRONG.

So now you have met 1!


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I've been alive over 50 years and never met a woman who was wrong or felt the need to apologize. You could work three jobs, discover a cure for cancer, negotiate world peace, and fart "Dixie" with perfect pitch and tempo. You will never be quite right and it doesn't matter if it's this woman or some other.


haha... i understand, i understand...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

stunned said:


> i understand where you were coming from. and i'm not perfect i know that. but she's just acting so different than ever before. it's weird.


Thats why you have to know what its about.MAYBE the "jokes' added up? You never know .Unresolved hurts can be a big issue .And little by little too.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Stop trying to fix it.
> 
> Stop trying to make it better.
> 
> ...



i understand. it's just such a terrifying proposition. but i think you're right. i need to step back. i actually flew out for a work convention today so i'm stepping back even if it's not intentional. so i guess we'll see what happens.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

stunned said:


> haha... i understand, i understand...


That's totally sexist so.I will bow out .You need people of that belief. Good luck !

Peace.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> Thats why you have to know what its about.MAYBE the "jokes' added up? You never know .Unresolved hurts can be a big issue .And little by little too.


but i told her i would stop even the teasing. and i did. i haven't done it in... i don't even know - a year, two, more? and yet this is all recent with her and that's the excuse i'm getting. i'm worried that it has to do with the EA but i just can't believe that either because it was very short.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> That's totally sexist so.I will bow out .You need people of that belief. Good luck !
> 
> Peace.


i was assuming that unbelievable's original comment was sarcastic...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stunned said:


> but i told her i would stop even the teasing. and i did. i haven't done it in... i don't even know - a year, two, more? and yet this is all recent with her and that's the excuse i'm getting. i'm worried that it has to do with the EA but i just can't believe that either because it was very short.


When a person is unhappy in their marriage they tend to forget anything good. The bad is what stands out in their mind. 

When they are invovled in an affair, this gets even worse.

You need to take what she says with a grain of salt right now. Don't let it eat at you. Instead you need to work to get her to a place mentally where she can see that good again.

There are two books that I think will start you in the right direction. "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. After she's more receptive "His Needs, Her Needs".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stunned said:


> i was assuming that unbelievable's original comment was sarcastic...


There are men here who are very bitter towards women. It's best to take into consideration that such posts just might not be sarcastic or just for fun. His post was hurtful as it assumes all women are not very good people. 

I too am inclined to walk away from your thread if this is the way it's going to be.


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> When a person is unhappy in their marriage they tend to forget anything good. The bad is what stands out in their mind.
> 
> When they are invovled in an affair, this gets even worse.
> 
> ...


thanks ele. you make good points. i'll look for those books.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

stunned said:


> i'm always the one that has to work to smooth things over. to make things better. it seems that we're only happy if i'm on my best behavior at all times while she can still be moody and crappy to me.
> *and now after she has betrayed me* i'm still the bad guy. and she is acting like she has done nothing wrong. i guess i just don't get it. and i don't know what to do...


When I was reading your post about her behavior I was formulating a response telling you she was most likely in an affair and probably had done some in the past. Then I hit the bolded quote above, so I don't need to tell you she's a cheater. The only question is how extensive has she been.

You'll be interested to know that nurses have higher cheater percentage than all female occupations, except for teacher. So that's a problem profession.

What's the story on the affair you uncovered?


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## stunned (May 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There are men here who are very bitter towards women. It's best to take into consideration that such posts just might not be sarcastic or just for fun. His post was hurtful as it assumes all women are not very good people.
> 
> I too am inclined to walk away from your thread if this is the way it's going to be.


please don't. even with all that's going on, i wouldn't attribute her faults to all women. i know there's good out there. i've seen it in others. i just wish i could get her to see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stunned said:


> please don't. even with all that's going on, i wouldn't attribute her faults to all women. i know there's good out there. i've seen it in others. i just wish i could get her to see.


I believe that you can get her to turn around. It will take you having a lot of patience, working on bettering yourself and a lot more.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I've been alive over 50 years and never met a woman who was wrong or felt the need to apologize. You could work three jobs, discover a cure for cancer, negotiate world peace, and fart "Dixie" with perfect pitch and tempo. You will never be quite right and it doesn't matter if it's this woman or some other.


Really? I've apologised many many times. Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong women.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

stunned said:


> i understand. it's just such a terrifying proposition. but i think you're right. i need to step back. i actually flew out for a work convention today so i'm stepping back even if it's not intentional. so i guess we'll see what happens.


It's scary because you know she won't pick up the slack.

It's scary because you know your answers already.

Let go, dude. Let go.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> When I was reading your post about her behavior I was formulating a response telling you she was most likely in an affair and probably had done some in the past. Then I hit the bolded quote above, so I don't need to tell you she's a cheater. The only question is how extensive has she been.
> 
> You'll be interested to know that nurses have higher cheater percentage than all female occupations, except for teacher. So that's a problem profession.
> 
> What's the story on the affair you uncovered?


I still laugh about the teachers and cheating. I never dated anyone at work in 14 years until this year. But i am not cheating.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I've been alive over 50 years and never met a woman who was wrong or felt the need to apologize. You could work three jobs, discover a cure for cancer, negotiate world peace, and fart "Dixie" with perfect pitch and tempo. You will never be quite right and it doesn't matter if it's this woman or some other.


Don't forget killing a grown lion with your bare hands.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I admit when I'm wrong.
> 
> I apologize.
> 
> ...


Any woman that can fart Dixie and laugh about it after is instant marriage material!


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> You'll be interested to know that nurses have higher cheater percentage than all female occupations, except for teacher. So that's a problem profession.


Nurse over here....and this comment baffles my mind:scratchhead:
I can tell you a shift at my place is NOTHING like the shenanigans on Grey's Anatomy :rofl:

Not questioning the fact, but personally I don't see how the heck they find the time with the crazy shiftwork....and the thought of getting it on in a germ infested hospital...EWWWW!:rofl:


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I thought the same thing, she's having JUST an EA? Her behavior tells me another story. 

Listen to your gut.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I still laugh about the teachers and cheating. I never dated anyone at work in 14 years until this year. But i am not cheating.


Teachers.

A breed of their own.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Forever Changed said:


> Teachers.
> 
> A breed of their own.


Your response intrigues me. I'm not sure what you mean when you say teachers are "a breed of their own." However, I deduct that you mean they are exceptional people.

I have had some remarkably awesome teachers, both in high school and college. And the ones who inspired me to excel; who challenged my opinions? Yeah, a breed of their own ... and I admire them for their dedication. Not an easy job ...


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Ah yes. You're response is welcome.

But you see; when a teacher becomes a STBXW.

They will treat the STBXH (and father of their child) as one of her 'students'.

My way, or the highway. Don't agree with me? Hell to pay.

Compromise? A teacher's compromise is getting out the big stick and beating you into submission.

This is the way that teachers have been institutionalised.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Forever Changed said:


> Ah yes. You're response is welcome.
> 
> But you see; when a teacher becomes a STBXW.
> 
> ...


I guess, especially if you're in the south where it's still legal.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm really sorry, Forever. I don't know your background story, so my response was naïve and uninformed. Again, sorry.


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## mikee (May 2, 2013)

Man i understand the torment with the way your wife is treating you. Samething happened to me last summer, it took 7 long hard yrs for our marriage to get where it was and then bam, just like that i suddenly started hearing about how we fight all the time and she was getting tired of it?

Just 2 mnths before we were celebrating our 10th anniversary in savannah georgia having a great time and a great 1st part of the summer. Countless times we both mentioned how glad we were that we stuck through the tough times and made it to the point in are realationship that we were.

Sure enough i found out she was having an EA that lasted about 3 mnths. she wasnt the same person didnt even know her, she was so occupied in speaking with this guy that all common sense and reasonableness went out the window. It was the hardest thing in my life i have had to deal with and 7 mnths later really isnt any easier, i find myself being tempted to cheat or really just want to grab my 2 prescious girls and run like hell. Somone please tell me i will get over this and be able to move on happily, but right now i just feel awful still


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Stunned
I see this all the time here some woman want to blame this on you.

I have known woman like this and they will never be happy.

The one who cares the least in a relationship can make changes, you have to be willing to walk!!!!


Work from that position of strength.

NOW the fact that she is in an EA changes everything, and this is what I mean, 2 pages of crappy advice that ignored this.

She has to loose you to respect you now. Its almost too late.

Look at the guy above, there is NO comming back from this without strong consequences!!!! Ask a moderator to move this to the CWI section and talk to people who know somthing about this.

You have a VERY hard road ahead, and its ALL on her!!!!

I doubt the teasing as you describe it is any more than an excuse, unless you are calling her names or abusing her in some way, she married you and you humor, maybe it has to change but the EA is a game changer totally!!!!!!


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

You have been together 26 years. My wife and I have been together for five years.

What you just described is what I get. Let me guess, you feel like you put a lot of love out and get nothing in return except insults? You are to scared to even joke because you feel like it will upset her? You are scared to do anything because she will say it's wrong or not 100%.

She thinks her way is right, and YOU need to change.

I get this daily, and it has taken a toll on me. Like you, I can tell her I love her, why I love her, that's she pretty, and other things that I KNOW everyone wants and needs to hear. I get insults and my imperfections.

Did she start out like this or did she evolve over time? I am trying to get my wife to go to counseling with me to pinpoint her anger and our problems (I and many people think she is bipolar). So far she hasn't agreed.


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