# My seperated wifes "new friend"



## benitezrs (Jun 29, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated for 2 months. Our 4 year wedding anniversary was last month. She says she is not in love with me anymore, but she is willing to keep trying until the end of the year to see what happens. I have moved out of the house. Recently she has began texting another man. She has been texting him for about a month now. This past weekend she went to dinner with this man, and today she went to his apartment. I have confronted her about this and she says it is nothing. She is just getting to know him as a friend. Should I be concerned? Should I just quit trying to work things out? or is this a good thing for us? She told me today that he hasn't made her feel the way I made her feel the first time we meet. Not to mention this man is 7 years older then her, and we have a 3 year old son together. I have no idea what to do anymore! can someone help?


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

benitezrs said:


> My wife and I have been separated for 2 months. Our 4 year wedding anniversary was last month. She says she is not in love with me anymore, but she is willing to keep trying until the end of the year to see what happens. I have moved out of the house. Recently she has began texting another man. She has been texting him for about a month now. This past weekend* she went to dinner with this man, and today she went to his apartment*. I have confronted her about this and she says it is nothing. She is just getting to know him as a friend. Should I be concerned? Should I just quit trying to work things out? or is this a good thing for us? She told me today that he hasn't made her feel the way I made her feel the first time we meet. Not to mention this man is 7 years older then her, and we have a 3 year old son together. I have no idea what to do anymore! can someone help?



If I were you I would not confront her but confront him with a size 10 boot in his junk. IMHO she went to his appaertment and one thing happened.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

benitezrs, yeah you should be concerned - if this was a trial separation you should have certain ground rules, and the biggie is whether you have agreed to dating... I think in most cases that is a no no, or else the separation is just one step towards the divorce. It's up to you, I honestly don't believe this has any benefit if both of you want to save the marriage, so you need to be firm about this and really decide what you will do if she refuses. Personally I don't think trial separations are a free pass to have other relationships, and if my W were sleeping around it would mean the D word.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She is "dating". Was that agreed to.

Going to another man's apartment is more than casual dating of course. If they have not had sex they will very soon.

Should you be concerned? Only if you wanted you marriage to continue. Sounds like she is moving on or has moved on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah what entropy said: if you want to save your marriage, THIS IS VERY BAD.

Your W at this point is already emotionally connecting to someone new, meaning he looks good to her and you don't, the rush of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals our brain makes is starting to strengthen the feelings she has for this guy, for you to have any chance you need to do everything you can to make you look good and him not, and get him out of the picture. She is going into the fog and will not be rational don't let that disuade you from setting the boundaries.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree with Lon. I also agree with what I said at first. Find this guy and hick him in the junk. that or pull a Tony Saprano on his ace.


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## benitezrs (Jun 29, 2011)

but she tells me she loves me and wants to work things out! should I believe it?


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

..in your first post you said W is not in love with you anymore but willing to keep trying until the end of the year to see what happens.



benitezrs said:


> but she tells me she loves me and wants to work things out! should I believe it?


Now that you've asked about OM she is telling you the opposite?


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## Lani (Jun 30, 2011)

Benitzers,
I just signed on to this site because I read your post and it really hit me so I wanted to give you my feedback...
Your wife is having an affair of some sort - maybe just an emotional affair but still she is putting energy into her new friend instead of you. Emotional affairs are very damaging. My advice to you, if you want to save your marriage, is to find yourself again and woo her. Let her know that you want her back and you will fight for her. Actions speak louder than words.
The reason why your post resonated with me so strongly is that I am in the situation of your wife. My husband moved out a month ago. We have been in marriage counseling for a year and honestly there is no love left. We are very nice to each other and there is no fighting -- poor communication and codependency has always been our problem. I ran into a very old friend from childhood and we immediately hit it off again. He is single and has his own house. It didn't take long for me to start craving his company - platonically. it just felt so good to be having fun and not feel the stress of the rest of my life. I promised myself I would never go to his house but I did and now want to alot because it feels like a refuge of safety. 
So, eventhough I started seeing my friend with honest intentions, I crave his company and I crave the respite from my stressful marriage. Now a month later, my platonic relationship is far from platonic in my head -- I know for a fact that it is just a matter of time before a romantic relationship builds. In my case I feel that I have given my marriage 100% over the past year of therapy so I am emotionally done with it and I feel no guilt hanging with my friend. However, in your case, if your wife says she wants to work it out with you and you want to work it out with her then you HAVE TO get her away from her friend. Please strengthen yourself then try.


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## Lani (Jun 30, 2011)

Your wife can easily say conflicting things and be telling the truth both times. I am a month separated and my emotions and thoughts are all over the place. If she was able to say she wanted to try working it out and take that as truth right then and go for it. I fully agreed with Lon though that she is going into the brain chemical fog of "the attentions of another man". Those feelings are affirming for her and they feel good! Fight for her and get her to STOP texting this guy. If you show her how much it bothers you then she will know you care.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lani, as someone possibly in your H's shoes, you need to make sure things are final with your H before you move on, you owe it to him to see it through divorce if you have no intentions of reconciling it. Even you yourself admit that EA is damaging so why would you do that to someone you once loved? Those good feelings you have with your "friend" are based on the chemicals in your brain and they affect your mood, thinking and decisions and is what enable you to see you have no love for your H (whether or not you really do). I'm not saying you should reconcile with your H but if you are in the fog of your emotional affair you need to realize the hurt you will cause him and that is not a decent thing to do.

Of course I'm presuming you are not divorced, and that you reconnected with your old friend while still in your marriage... if divorce is done, or you and your H have both checked out then it is great you have found someone to have a romance with, but it sounds to me like you are playing the game of hypergamy instead of just doing what's right.

Sorry I'm not trying to be accusatory I just perceived your comment to by hypocritical (ie EA is so damaging, yet for you it is somehow good and you can justify that you gave 100% to your marriage). Best regards no matter how you choose to live, life is a gift!


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## Lani (Jun 30, 2011)

Lon, I appreciate the response and it is accurate. Having an EA is damaging and I fell into it like quicksand. In my state I have to be physically separated for a year before I can file for D. We've been physically separated for 1 month. Currrently I am completely torn up about whether to tell my H its really over or to wait. My counselor is telling me to wait while I am getting my ducks in a row which I am - credit in my name, job, etc. Right now things are very amicable between my H and I and once I state my intentions it may turn into a battlefield and I've got 2 kids to consider. To fill in the story a bit my H seems completely fine out there in his own apt. He is also having an EA with an employee for 2/3 year and while it killed me at first I have accepted it. The marriage is over for him too if you go by his actions. Right now I am trying to time everything right so I dont get squashed in a divorce settlement. I haven't worked in 13 years and that fact scares me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks for the details Lani, I'm sorry to hear you have found yourself in this place... from your first post it was unclear to me what the intention of the separation is... does your H know about your EA, and does he know you know about his EA? Has he stated outright that he is done the marriage? The problem with some guys, like me, is it can take us longer then our W's to decide how to act on really strong emotion, perhaps he is acting like he wants out but maybe he just wants some space/time to reflect on things, maybe not the best thing for you to see but after 20 years of marriage you owe it a little time... maybe the year of counseling has been effective and you are mutually agreed to end it, in which case you can both maybe move on for the better. I just hate to see when people move so fast coming out of a LTR that they don't take the time to learn more about themselves and what they really want in a partner. Nothing wrong with having fun but what always starts out as a casual relationship always turns into something that requires more committment, and we tend to just "replace" our old partners with new ones but haven't actually made any real change within ourselves.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My first question is: how do you know all of this stuff?


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## Lani (Jun 30, 2011)

Lon, I'm going to start a new thread right now since we got of the subject of the original. Find it because I like your opinions.


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