# lost and confused



## shotta (Jan 10, 2011)

in short... my ex left me due to me beign from another culture and knowing how my family values etc... and thought she wud be taking me away from them... she is 6 yrs older and im 29. that was her reason for leaving...she wanted space and wanted me to fight for her love, but didnt seeit coming from my end with how my family was... so i got reallyemotional...went thru severe depression and she ended up jumping in another relationship to escape how deep she was feeling for me... then the ended up lying and telling me tht it was a mistake...etc... and this person had been in jail for murder and as he was aquitted, they were together...but in such a small society she didnt put it on frontline and she jus gave help to a lost soul, and it served a purpose for her too... in the mean time with my depression... didnt now how to be and how to cope with my emotions and i jus kept bombsrding her with how she used me etc... eventually i turned to someone who i knew dealry cared for me and wanted to move on with my life and in no time i jumped into a relationship and went down the road of getting married to force myself of never looking back cuz how cud someone who loved me so much let me go and treat me like crap and continue lying over and over.... 
so i got married and she was still in and out of her relationship and her reaching me telling me its jus self destruction etc...and tht she is jus lonly and clinging on to someting that is not emotionally draining and has her heart so heavy.....and at the sqme time has been reaching me still telling me she cant let me go and she still loves me and is hoping tht life wud make me see how she is also ihurting... but at the same time she is giving to where she is at... she calls it survival...
me now in my marriage have been trying to ignore as ive commited andwanted to take a different path n ease of emotions and move on cuz life has to go on... so in the early stages i was all into my new relationship...but spmething was always lacking, and their was always this inferiority feeling cuz she came from living a higher lifestyle than i did...and so moving into my home was a big adjustment, but made me feel im not worthy enuff... and i wanted to runaway fro the situation..and i went back to where my heart felt the warmth...but given family and society and my choice...i was wrong...but it made me feel secure etc.... and i was hnest about everything.... and told her it w a process of how to get out and live for me and not just for others as thats how i was raised to be...making others happy and not myself...at this time in life i felt it most where my heart lies cuz i cant lie to myself about how i feel and my body language will depict.... but ex still can run back to her situation as she is in control and its jus been a comfort zone... and feels i cud be selling dreams and she cud be hurt... so i got hurt again seeing her go back and i went back to my committment and decided to give it another shot and i told ex. so i did... but deep within was trying to find how to do it... after a few months... ex told me she is giving her relationship a try (given she has succumbed to dysfunctin as well) but she feels tht she caused it... and the lies kept coming over and over...caught red handed and still didnt want to admit to me...a year has passed and now my pain is still deep and 2 situations are coming head on and affecting me... so my W n i fight alotcuz im not there and feel really unworthy as she doesnt make it easier to understand what she did before and now compares me to other men etc... and tells me about. her halpy life before me and she was happy n i cud never make her happy etc.... now im in shut down mode n cant respond... and ive decided to let her go and find happiness cuz i cannot give ti to her... she never moved me or motivated me in all of it other than bring me down and belittle me thinking i will end up proving it, but the reverse happened and i am not there.... 
in the mean time frlm a mutual friend ex is holding me n cant let go, but still in and out of her comfort zone... and feels there as they have some sort of history and realness but its not what she wants... so now life has no guarantee but i need to get back my sanity and my mojo in order to move on...im not happy within with my choice and i dont like feeling like an animal or monster to anyone... so sitting here will not help anyone.. so i decided to let go and not be selfish...

p.s. p.sgiven tht i was never in love with wife...n know her 7yrs. on and off. ex n me off a couple yrs, n no regrets of her choice... n can still go back today cuz they wud lick the ground she walks on... n ive jus been a "tourist in her life" but i brought a lot to the table only needed to face my fam n expected her to be there but instead she bolted as she respected my fam...
also my fam controlled me all my life...so i used to please them... now i cant lie cuz my heart is hurting deeply n they still expect me to give in...


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