# Unbelievable !!!!!



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

I suspect anyone who reads this thread will already be privy to my story, so I won't spin that weave here.

However, today is my 2nd day full on LC. By this I mean that up until two days ago, although the contact was kept to bare essentials, while I at work I would respond to my wife's email fairly quickly after they were sent ( private webmail ). As of Monday, I stopped because it was interfering with my work. 

As of day one my wife was shooting me multiple e-mails, tone completely different and when I didn't respond she called me THREE times after work, none of which I answered. She texted me " Is everything ok ? " I got home and texted her that I was in a meeting...nothing more...then I made myself a ****tail, dinner, cleaned up the house and did some ironing, then at 9pm, I sent her a very business like e-mail saying " busy day... " then outlined all of the things that had to do with my son... homework assignments etc ", left it at that.

Today same thing, but this time because she knew I wasn't responding to my personal web mail account, she e-mails me on my work e-mail with the same question " is everything ok ? " I waited three hours and responded " busy...nothing to be concerned about...ttyl " 

I get home to check my e-mails and the tone again is completely different, not cold...talks about homework etc. but get this one...she says that one of the roomates in the apt where she is staying ( where the EA guy is ) is having guests come in and they are going to need the couch...my wife asks if she can sleep here for those days... !?!?!?!?!

OK so first, it makes me actually think if during this time she has decided that this guy isn't for her and that maybe she isn't sleeping with him ( for me it's a positive ) however, before anyone jumps down my throat about being suckered...I answered " TBD " to be discussed. The reason being that I was suppose to see a cool little apt tonight and believe I could very well be out of here by the time she wants to move back in temporarilly...I even just texted the realtor to have him send me the paper work for background checks etc so that if I like the place, everything has been taken care of and all I have to do is drop down the deposit and I am set. I have already picked out all of my furniture etc.

In other words, this set of events has only gotten me more motivated. 

She also sent me a text with the title ..." I am beginning to think... " then in the body of the e-mail..." did you get fired ? " I responded to her by saying " absolutely not, I just booked a couple of huge orders, things are going great ( with specific financial details...not to thick or padded, clean true and real specifics )...her response " I am sooo happy for you ! ". I have yet to respond.

Wow.... !!!! What a difference a couple of days makes, but I can tell you that these last couple of days, for the first time in 6 months, I was really letting go...my heart was still squeezed at times...but I finally said " What am I doing...? "

Who knows...I was expecting her to rebel against my silence and just get angrier and less communicative...and she still might...but the key has been not to be angry or completely silent, but rather to just seem distracted, that the marital situation is no longer even in the middle of the priority list.

Man I wasn't expecting this after just two days but there is absolutely no question that it isn't about faking that your letting go it is about actually letting go. I was beginning to say...I can get some of the things I never could, because...

I still want my family back, I think, but I am not about to cave just because she seems to be getting a little worried. Having said that, after the last 6 months I couldn't have predicted this in a million million years. I expected her to retreat even further.

Note last week when she was telling me I needed to find my own place, she said you can have the bed, the big TV etc. I said I want none of it, I want you to have it...she then said, don't worry I will help you move, we can share a truck, to which I respond, no I can't do that...she was trying to rope me into helping her move 20 years of accumulated belongings, but it was great because she didn't come out and say it so I didn't have to say NO I won't help you, rather I want my own new things and I want to do it before you have to move out.

I actually feel empowered right now...she could turn very easily and throw hate at me, but I am already committed to moving out and on without her. Who knows tomorrow may be a different day but right now, I am feeling good for the first time in 6 months. Having said that, my refusal to check my personal e-mails during the day and not until I have a ****tail will ensure that she is never allowed to ruin my work day again.

And there you have my day ! Games games games....

Thanks for listening!


----------



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Quick update...her response to my TBD on her moving back temporarily " I have no place else to go...I paid half the rent on the place " my response was " I didn't say no...your absolutely right...plan on it "

This has me so confused because is it possible that she is not sleeping with this guy ? I mean he has his own room in the apt...if she was sleeping with the guy would any of this be necessary ? Wouldn't she just sleep in his room, as I have been assuming she was doing ?

As mentioned, nothing is going to stop my plan to move out...I just don't want to mention it right now until I have locked up the place and made arrangements to get out, hopefully this weekend. 

This new development has me thinking that maybe, with us actually seperated physically that maybe, in time this could be worked out. That we could maybe date in time and find each other again. If she hasn't slept with this guy then I can deal with a temporary EA. However, I will not relent...now I need some space to figure things out...

Over and out....


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Keep up the good work with LC! Stay guarded. She is checking in to make certain you are still emotionally around. Maintaining your distance right now helps you to hang on to your own sanity.

She has not left the OM. She is asking to go from being under his roof to yours. Be extremely wary.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Well, for one thing, I like your style. It may have taken you a little while but you seem to be firing on all cylinders.

As for your WW staying with another guy at his place and NOT have any intimate relations. Something tells me you're realistic and being realistic should give you the correct answer.

Keep up the good work.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's being nice because you pulled away. She's trying to get you hooked back in again.

fwiw, it's great that you're pulling away...BUT you are lying to her. What does that say? "I was just busy"...as opposed to "I don't want to talk to you."

Which one do you think would have the biggest impact on her? One where she thinks you're still into her but just can't get to the phone, or one where she thinks you've had enough of her crap and are willing to walk away?


----------



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

thanks for the encouragement guys...i am not going to delve too deep into the chance of intimacy, because there are some components to the OM that leave huge possibilities for true intimacy not to have happened and my wife does have pretty serious body issues, gained weight has always been shy to begin with. I also believe that my pushing her down there could have sucked all of the fun of sneaking around. I remain on the fence but am not naive enough to think its impossible. No matter what is said about my wife, she is no ****. It took me weeks to even touch her and i believe whole heartedly that this was more about emotions that physical attraction. Again who knows, but this new development is a surprise and frankly I am going to go with the positive scenario because it helps me fight even further towards my goal. No matter what she has hurt me terribly and she is going going to have earn me back, if that ends up ever being her intention.

However, what I have yet to grasp and may never is what possible benefit could she have to move back here, when if things were going so great with OM, that she could have not said anything and slept in his bed as I thought she had been doing. If things were going so great what possible reason could she have to want to spend what she believes will be time with me ?

I didn’t follow with the last update where she responded saying “ I pay half the rent…” to which I responded your absolutely right, I wasn’t saying no, plan on moving back as desired. Her response “ I am sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as mean…I just have no place else to go “ !! That’s the meekest she has been in years and she NEVER apologizes ! My response…no apology necessary…sleep tight ! “ Wouldn’t the OM now be jealous and demand that she stay ?

Either way I am not letting my guard down for one second and as mentioned my hope is that I am moved out by then.

Turnera, I do understand where you are coming from however, I believe the approach you outline “ I don’t want to talk to you “ only expresses that I am still angry and that my punishment to her is to not talk…this only feeds her, she would rebel immediately at this and fight back. Instead I am not allowing her to think my new behavior is a reaction but rather a new state of being. The truth is that in our entire marriage I have never been too busy to respond to her. This approach allows for all kinds of room for doubt, that while I could find the time to respond, I have decided that certain other things are now taking priority and no one can fault another for working even harder which in her mind could be driven by my desire to generate maximum income for the planned financial separation.

What is most important is that I am not dropping everything to respond to her, that is the only message that needs to be conveyed. I do not want her to think it’s a reaction to her behavior, just that she is dropping fast on my list of interest and priorities. I believe this is more effective. 

5 minutes ago, my wife called and I gave the phone directly to my son and walked out of the room. For the first time in weeks, she said she wanted to talk to me, about what you ask ? Simply to repeat what she had already said about my sons homework in an email. I wasn’t dry, I responded but with a gentle hurriedness, then she goes on to say how her Dad ( who was badly assaulted a couple of weeks ago ) looks like night and day…to which I replied “ wonderful news “ she then said “ ok..goodnight “ I could feel she wanted to talk more…I said goodnight and then hung up “ 

Anger is counter productive, the answer is indifference….

Anyway, my road is still long and is going to be very twisty…I don’t know what lies ahead…but I finally feel like I have regained some control…

If there was intimacy, something has gone wrong or clicked in my wife because there is absolutely no reason for her to move back in, even temporarily. At what is still early days for there little relationship one would expect that at no point would she be remotely interested in not being by his side every moment she could get. None ! If this happened 6 months from now, maybe but so early.

Who knows but man is great to feel like I am back in control, at least of my own emotions and that these little signs could be early enough to make me think this could be rescued if I even want it anymore. I am moving out no matter what. Even if there is a renewed desire on both our parts to work on things, I believe that a physical separation is necessary and that it might be time to relearn each other and have a new romance, date etc. start from a new beginning. But we are no bloody where near that right now and I am no where near ready to even think about that. She is going to have to earn me back, if she even wants me back. She may not, in the end. 

Thanks again everyone for listening. I kept thinking I was done writing but then…


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you misunderstood. I never said to say or act angry. But you're playing a game. You're manipulating her into caring by not being available.

Would it not make more sense to simply point out to her 'I won't continue to be your fall back because I'm getting on with me life'? That retains your integrity AND shows her that you will not wait forever. And that you are leaving her free to make her own choice.


----------



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

I think I am conveying that message with my approach too. It less about telling her that I am not going to put with her nonsense and more about telling I am caring less and less. This is the essence of actually moving forward, that her importance in my little sphere is fading. if she does decide to want to talk, it will be at that point that I tell her, I am already half way out of this mentally, you don't change the way your behaving and I will just keep walking until I am gone, but if you want to try and work on things, I will stay right here half in half out, that i will not spread my heart out on the platter again for you to slice at it.

Right now this is much less about proving anything to her and more about proving to myself that I do not need her. 

Either way, for the last couple of days, the results seem to be presenting themselves and I can assure you that I feel more integrity today than I have in a while. The fact that she seems to suddenly be chasing me and that her voice seems so much more meek and almost like she is the victim means that her opinion of me could very well be turning ever so slightly.

The next blow is going to be that I will have my own place shortly ( provided this place I am hoping for pans out ). This will be another not in her face indicator that I am not playin. If I was meek I would have thought to myself " hmmm maybe her being here would be the perfect opportunity for me to prove to her how much I love her and how much I have changed " Wrong ! 

It might depend on the woman so maybe this approach is only suitable for my application. I had a week where I was really angry and played the cross your arms stand off ish type. It didn't work ! she rebelled, as she would if I told her " I am not going to take your crap " A week ago ( and it could be still her plan ) we were essentially done...she said if she had to answer me today she would say yes to divorce. She didn't want to ever go back...so playing the change or else thing, would be a fruitless endeavor. But the " your fading fast on my list of priorities " is making her think about what life might be like without me there in spirit.

Again, this could be a complete fluke and it could just as easilly continue to go south but I am on my way to repair, this is all that matters right now.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Excellent! Yes, you have discovered that it's not about faking your indifference. It truly has to be indifference. I discovered this too, as we all do, in our own time. I also did a similar thing in my separation, and my WW started to get more "chatty" with me and started chasing me after I decided in my heart and head I was moving on without her. She even emailed me once during this time, trying to goad me into a fight so as to show I was still emotionally involved....telling me all about the OM. My response was calm and cool at that point...."that's nice. Well, I'm happy for you." and then went on to a topic about the kids schedules.". 

However, good for being pragmatic. I let my WW back too early, and it went downhill fast afte that. If I could, I would have waited even more for true remorse and a gut feeling that it was going o maybe work out. I'm happy to read that you plan on making sure yourself. This is probably the best thing you can do.

BTW...having my own place after 15 years was a bit thrilling for me, too, after I fully detached. And finally being able to put the laundry soap in the washer AFTER I put the clothes in without getting the 5th degree from the spouse was liberating! I think I spent an entire week just doing things on purpose for which I used to get nagged at just because...well, i could! Lol! So I can relate. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Isn't it shocking to be the master of your own time?

Hey, I can call anyone I want.

I can go anywhere I want.

I can do anything I want.

Nobody to judge.



alphaomega said:


> Excellent! Yes, you have discovered that it's not about faking your indifference. It truly has to be indifference. I discovered this too, as we all do, in our own time. I also did a similar thing in my separation, and my WW started to get more "chatty" with me and started chasing me after I decided in my heart and head I was moving on without her. She even emailed me once during this time, trying to goad me into a fight so as to show I was still emotionally involved....telling me all about the OM. My response was calm and cool at that point...."that's nice. Well, I'm happy for you." and then went on to a topic about the kids schedules.".
> 
> However, good for being pragmatic. I let my WW back too early, and it went downhill fast afte that. If I could, I would have waited even more for true remorse and a gut feeling that it was going o maybe work out. I'm happy to read that you plan on making sure yourself. This is probably the best thing you can do.
> 
> ...


----------



## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Good job not getting suckered into sorting through 20 years of junk. Been there, done that. Your new girlfriend, which you will have as soon as you want one, doesn't want all those co-marital things anyway. They have cooties.


----------

