# Hit me like a transport



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Well, I was standing in line at the store yesterday and the guy standing behind me was tall, very good looking, and I suddenly remembered that I knew him. He had asked me out before and I had declined because I was dating my H at the time. I didn't turn around. 

Anyways, on an afterthought I found myself wishing I would have went out with him instead of getting engaged and married to my H. I wouldn't have had to deal with all this pain and heartbreak. That's when it hit me like a truck. *My relationship with H wasn't all roses. *

Someone posted on here once that we like to view the relationships we had with our SO's as something they actually weren't. We romanticize them. I was/have been doing that. I still love him, miss him _(blah blah blah)_. However, I now realize that it wasn't all hunky dory like my heart is tricking my brain into thinking.

We actually fought a lot. He was in many ways, immature. I didn't like many things that he did. Actually I _despised_ some of the things he did, and I don't even know why! 

Great. I just confused myself. Now I have myself thinking if I had of been easier to get along with and learned to just let stuff go I wouldn't have been that easy to say goodbye to. 
Agh. 

Well, the point was my H wasn't all a bed of roses.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

"However, I now realize that it wasn't all hunky dory like my heart is tricking my brain into thinking."

Right on. It's the interpretation of that skipped beat. Is it well-deserved panic warning system being activated or is it heart-stopping attraction? Hmmmm.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I was at a gathering this weekend, and somehow got stuck on "grill duty" for the burgers. Lo and Behold, this girl comes up and asks if she can help. She somehow knew my name. It was nice to hear my name in a friendly tone of voice as opposed to a snakelike hisssss, full of resentment and pretentiousness.
Thinking back, I didnt get a whole lot of help at all from my stbxw. In the littlest of things it was like asking for too much.
Then here was someone asking if "they" could help "me"???
I put that little snippet of paper in my box labeled "things I would be attracted to".


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Grilled meat and sweaty women. YAAAAAAAY.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I've been collecting those moments, boomafoo.
I think they are attracted to each other in some kind of snowball effect.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I was at a gathering this weekend, and somehow got stuck on "grill duty" for the burgers. Lo and Behold, this girl comes up and asks if she can help. She somehow knew my name. It was nice to hear my name in a friendly tone of voice as opposed to a snakelike hisssss, full of resentment and pretentiousness.
> Thinking back, I didnt get a whole lot of help at all from my stbxw. In the littlest of things it was like asking for too much.
> Then here was someone asking if "they" could help "me"???
> I put that little snippet of paper in my box labeled "things I would be attracted to".


You see, that's just it! We lose that from our SO's; that kind of gesture just disappears. They (our SO's) think we become complacent and they don't realize they do too. It's a vicous cycle, each emotion feeding off the other. Would a geniunely nice tone of voice and caring gesture have helped me to do more for her - you betcha! Good for you shoo, did you get her number? LOL!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Oh the should haves.. I shouldn't have divorced my first husband after 23 yrs of marriage. I shouldn't have married this one.

It is what it is and I think I have a sneaking feeling this was meant to be so we could grow. 

It is very nice to have someone be kind and also to tell you you're very attractive. I had to tell stbxh EVERY day that he was the most handsome man in the world. I mean it every day. And I had to compliment him on everything even if it didn't stand up; he was just so totally needy.

That is the phase: looking back and realizing it was not what your imagination and pain was telling you. That is what happened to me in the last couple of weeks as I lifted out of the fog of pain. It was not idyllic and I had shut myself down a long time ago. It was all about him.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sparkles422 said:


> Oh the should haves.. I shouldn't have divorced my first husband after 23 yrs of marriage. I shouldn't have married this one.
> 
> It is what it is and I think I have a sneaking feeling this was meant to be so we could grow.
> 
> ...


Sparkles, I would think that you aren't hinting at my situation. I would be totally smothered and would think it obnoxious if my W would have told me every day what a handsome man I am, etc. My situation was that she would say things like that to me like, ummmm, ummmmm, gee, I can't remember. Nah really, all joking aside, I would get that kind of affection from her maybe, MAYBE three times a year, in a good year, for the past 10 years. So no, I never want to hear that everyday becuase that could be just as bad, like listening to broken record. But c'mon; almost never being affectionate to your significant other - not the reason I committed my life to someone.

If you meant something different in your post, my apologies. I didn't know what it was that you meant or who you were inferring to. I am not a person to be clingy. Everything in moderation is good but who knows what the guage of affection is. I guess it's different for everyone.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Grilled meat and sweaty women. YAAAAAAAY.


lol. 



Shooboomafoo said:


> I put that little snippet of paper in my box labeled "things I would be attracted to".


I think it's time for me to make a figurative box like yours.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

brighterlight: my stbxh needed, I mean needed, to hear something complimentary everyday to ensure his worth. He was totally needy and I was so in love/lust that I didn't even recognize it. Now I do.

He is what you would call a narcissist. That is a person that believes firmly the world revolves around them. Their feelings are very warped and they need to hear what wonderful people they are constantly. It was no big deal to compliment him because at times I meant it. But not with such frequency. Quite frankly, coincidentally about "18 months ago", I got fed up with the bs and stopped.

He is so out of it emotionally, he doesn't even see that that was what had occurred when he says he hasn't loved / liked me for 18 months. I had stopped feeding the insatiable machine. I was over it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Sparkles,
Feels like a void sometimes dont it? I had a lot to give affectionately, intellectually, intimately, and found myself throwing my own needs out of the window to accept whatever crumbs fell from the queens table. I went weeks thinking we were on the verge of ending it, feeling like ending it myself even, just being done with it, and her "mood" would suddenly change and she'd laugh.
All my dignity runs down the drain as I admit that I found myself like a dog getting a treat, ELATED that we were okay again.
Geeez I had no dignity. I lived humiliated at her offenses towards me. 
---> gotta quit thinking like this,,, but just lettin ya know I FEEL YOU THOUGH!!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

caughtdreaming...well stbx was great but he had his flaws.the problem with me is that i see the things he was lacking...i have things that i wished i could change BUT it doesn't make me feel better now.Because I believe that there are no perfect people and one day when i find another partner I'm sure I'll find some flaws there as well and arguing is healthy ...i would be bored if had such perfect relationship where we don't ever argue.
So my point is that his flaws were perfect for me and I could have easily lived with them. \
Sorry for the downer!


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

vivea said:


> caughtdreaming...well stbx was great but he had his flaws.the problem with me is that i see the things he was lacking...i have things that i wished i could change BUT it doesn't make me feel better now.Because I believe that there are no perfect people and one day when i find another partner I'm sure I'll find some flaws there as well and arguing is healthy ...i would be bored if had such perfect relationship where we don't ever argue.
> So my point is that his flaws were perfect for me and I could have easily lived with them. \
> Sorry for the downer!


Yeah, I was waiting for someone else to say it before I did. I wanted to live with all the flaws too. I still do. 

The good looking guy standing in the line behind me just made me realize that I could have missed out on stbx. 
But its not gonna work so I have to move on.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah girl ,we have to move on.
I can live with all his flaws but... NOW knowing his biggest one which is walking out on me and cheating on me I can't live with that.He is officially a cheat and that is one horrible flaw.And in my case he doesn't care much about what he's doing to the kids so that is another flaw that is unacceptable to me. 
hurt me =fine i can take it,hurt my kids= you're out


hugs,stay strong


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## sadmama (Jul 7, 2011)

Sounds like the emotions I had to go through to get to where I am now, which is just so full of "what if" things that I kick myself at least twice a day.


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