# No sex



## olderwife (Oct 15, 2015)

First you need to know I am almost 60 my husband is 63, he wants me to be a hot wife I have tried unfortunately it hasn't went well mostly because I prefer sex with someone I am attracted to and he has put me in some uncomfortable situations because I feel I have to do it when the guy isn't to my liking. This all being said our sex life is at a zero because in order for him to get excited he seems to need me to act like a porn star. Dressing up in sexy corsets and such (which are quite uncomfortable) and talking very dirty some I can take but he gets talking and gets really really bad, which ends up turning me off. So now sex between us has dropped to once every few months mostly I feel because we are almost scared we will say or do the wrong thing. And honestly at my age and I still work it is alot of work to get home and get all dressed up and prance around like a porn star. He has gotten to the point that he makes nasty comments if front of people (my own daughter)about how little sex we have. I have tried to talk with him about these things but in his eyes it is all my fault that we have no sex yet he never ever makes a move and if I do (without all the dress up and talking before we go to bed) he says he needs lots of lead up to get in the mood. And we also have my somewhat disabled son living with us so some things I just can't do while my son is here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he use a lot of porn? It sounds like that's where he's getting is idea of what sex should be like in a marriage. Seems to have left out the "love making" part.

How long have you two been married?

Does your husband also work?

It sounds to me like the two of you would benefit from finding a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. You two are so out of sync that this is only going to get worse if you don't address it head on. I wonder if he's using all this as a way to cover for a lowered ability to perform. Him never making a move and turning you down sounds like that might be the problem. As people age, the approach to sex often has to be changed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This may not be helpful, and sorry you are in this shyt place with your old man, but maybe it's time to take control. I mean he sounds like a perv (nothing wrong with that IMHO) and maybe he deserves a little punishment?LOL

Maybe it's time he does a little "dress" up. At the very least tease his @ss until he "straightens up"!

For whats it's worth maybe the submissive role you currently in might need to be reversed?

Just thinking out side the box here.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Awkwardly, people with your husband's fetish desire to be denied sex. 

Odds are it stems from past sexual abuse in a situation where he was likely young and attracted to a girl who was already active with another boyfriend. It is possible that she may have given him some pity sex because she liked his attention but then humiliated him because she had no desire for him. If humiliation and denial was your husband's first sexual experience, that was likely imprinted onto him as something he will always desire. 

He may not even realize he was abused and that now he is abusing you in the same way by denying you sex and humiliating you in a messed up attempt to share his desires with you.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What would you like? How often do you want to have sex and what kinds of things would you like him to do for you regarding sex? I'm sure there are times when your H appears sexier than at other times and it follows that you would want him to put some effort into his appearance so that he is sexier, right?

I don't see what the problem is that your H has requested you wear sexy outfits that turn him on. Chances are, that corset isn't going to be staying on very long and you can buy a corset that fits you better so it's not too terribly constricting. In fact most corsets they sell off the rack aren't even real corsets, they just look like corsets.

The dirty talk...? Again, I'm not seeing something that would harm you or him so why the reluctance?

I think the older we get, the more effort we have to put into remaining sexy. It's possible, as @EleGirl suggested, he might be having difficulty with erections or keeping erections so he is asking for you to step it up a little.

How do you picture your senior years? Do you imagine you'll be having sex and enjoying sex or do you imagine sex will be a thing of the past?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

What about the arrangement is driving his needs?

Often things like open marriage or polyarmory, swapping, swinging, or hotwife are expressions of other things within the persons' psyche.

For me, polyarmory is an equality and spread resposibility (security thing).

For him, is this a new thing? sometimes the need from a man to play an effiminate role to be desired, and in this his female partner stands as his acceptable proxy partner.
perhaps life is getting him down/depressed, and his sexual needs are reflecting the status - trying give positive energy into his role.

Does he take a commanding role in the HotWife role? perhaps it is needing that feeling of control over the two of you, or a feeling of risk and irresponsibility.|

that he makes belittling comments to someone closely important [to you] reflects a likely desire to inflict pain or to diminish you to reflect his own inner pain (and frustrations). Likely he isn't even aware why he is doing so, just that your failure to be unhappy alongside him causes him pain so he seeks destructive means to use the pecking order to make it happen. This means there are likely several very important and painful issues that have built up over time. Get yourself in a safe and non-vulnerable state when you discuss them, as they will come with a lot of blame, anger, and frustrations.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
What would be a good sex life for you? You've described some of his wishes, what are yours?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It may take extreme situations and fetishes to get him excited if his testosterone levels are low - which is typical at his age. If that's the case, a topical or injectable testosterone supplement may make a world of difference. If also helps if he's in decent shape and not greatly overweight. If he's not checked this, insist that he does, or you will stop trying to please him as it is too stressful, difficult, and unappreciated.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I have often thought it would be great to have sex in a sensory deprivation chamber......No visual stimulation, no sound, no sensory input except touch.......It would have to be awesome...

I can appreciate some window dressing, lingerie, etc, but skin on skin is where it's at....


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Instead of having the reaction to your husbands wishes as I don't like tit so I won't do it, work with him so that you both will enjoy the experience. The solution here is not to quit, it is to try to make something work that you both will enjoy.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Not sure I'm understanding the first part of your post....



> it hasn't went well mostly because I prefer sex with someone I am attracted to and he has put me in some uncomfortable situations because I feel I have to do it when the guy isn't to my liking.


Almost sounds like he's putting you in a position to have sex with other men? 

Assuming that's not the case though, and you are saying you're not really attracted to him. Why? Out of shape? Not taking care of himself? Or because he's asking you to do some uncomfortable things to turn him on? If that's the case, then this needs to be a two way street. He takes care of himself, and makes himself attractive to you again, and you will probably find it much easier to indulge his wishes for sexy outfits.

Other than that, I'll say this: As we guys get older, and especially when we've been with the same person for a long time, the "do you wanna have sex?" thing doesn't work so well anymore. We're not young men. We've "been there and done that", and we need some "spool up time" to get the motor going! Not really any different than with women. The thing being though, women are conditioned from a young age that men can "get it up if the wind blows" or at the mere mention of someone offering "vaginal services". 

There was a time when you dated us that bj's on the couch or in the morning initiated by you, kissing, you reaching over in the middle of the night to fondle us were the norm. We miss that. It has been replaced with "wanna have sex tonight?" Doesn't really fire a guy up, if you know what I mean.

I've gone through this. While the W is pretty much almost always willing on any given day, it had gotten to a point where it was just boring, vanilla sex. The way she likes it. Which is great...but not every damn time! And not when I'm the one doing all the work! Tried, tried and tried again to let her know I need more enthusiasm and spool up time and effort from her. Fell on deaf ears for the most part. As a result, I just backed off and stopped having sex. I made excuses. Sure, we'd still do it, couple times a month, but that's not a very fulfilling and bond building relationship. 

Best to work on that before it gets to that point is what I'm saying.

Also consider at his age his T levels may be low, and more "mental stimulation" may be needed to get him to a point where he can, or even wants to perform.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

*


donny64 said:



Not sure I'm understanding the first part of your post....



Almost sounds like he's putting you in a position to have sex with other men?

Click to expand...

*


donny64 said:


> Assuming that's not the case though, and you are saying you're not really attracted to him. Why? Out of shape? Not taking care of himself? Or because he's asking you to do some uncomfortable things to turn him on? If that's the case, then this needs to be a two way street. He takes care of himself, and makes himself attractive to you again, and you will probably find it much easier to indulge his wishes for sexy outfits.
> 
> Other than that, I'll say this: As we guys get older, and especially when we've been with the same person for a long time, the "do you wanna have sex?" thing doesn't work so well anymore. We're not young men. We've "been there and done that", and we need some "spool up time" to get the motor going! Not really any different than with women. The thing being though, women are conditioned from a young age that men can "get it up if the wind blows" or at the mere mention of someone offering "vaginal services".
> 
> ...


i was wondering that myself. if that is the case, it's a completely different ballgame.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She said he wants her to be a "hot wife" which is having sex with other men. 

It really doesn't sound like a healthy situation. You doing things and being with men you don't want to, him making nasty comments to your daughter and him NEEDING you to do these things to get him aroused - it's different if it was something he liked and wanted sometimes but needing it every time or he won't do it is too much.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She said he wants her to be a "hot wife" which is having sex with other men.
> 
> It really doesn't sound like a healthy situation. You doing things and being with men you don't want to, him making nasty comments to your daughter and him NEEDING you to do these things to get him aroused - it's different if it was something he liked and wanted sometimes but needing it every time or he won't do it is too much.


wow.

and us doofas's didn't get that 'hot wife' is a code word for a swinging wife:

_"A married woman she has sexual relations with other men, with the husbands approval. Usually while the husband watches or joins. "_ urban dictionary

no wonder she doesn't like the idea. and here we were all trying to address quite another problem...............


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

olderwife said:


> First you need to know I am almost 60 my husband is 63, he wants me to be a hot wife I have tried unfortunately it hasn't went well
> 
> ...This all being said our sex life is at a zero because in order for him to get excited he seems to need me to act like a porn star.
> 
> ...


OK, I am 66, my wife is 65. A couple of thoughts.

First, my heart goes out to you. You sound like you are really trying to do the things he has asked you to do, even when it makes you very uncomfortable. 

Second, may I suggest that you and your H go to a sex therapist, not because he is broken or you are broken, but because the two of you need someone who can help you figure out a compromise that both of you can live with that is much more frequent than once every few months.

Dr. David Schnarch in his book the Passionate Marriage says that there is now right frequency or type of sex. He says that every marriage and every aspect of marriage involves compromise with High Demand (HD) and Low Demand (LD) components. One spouse may be HD for eating chocolate ice cream and the other may hate chocolate ice cream. There is not "right amount" of chocolate ice cream to make a marriage work. Same with sex. What needs to happen is each couple needs to find a compromise that works for them. It may be chocolate ice cream for one every night and vanilla ice cream once a week for the other. The point is that a Sex Therapist will likely help you and your H figure out what is a compromise as to sex acts and frequency that can work for you.

You have gotten a lot of good advice from others. I would like to add another piece of advice. Old guys typically have a bout a 1% drop in Testosterone levels each year. Typically belly fat converts testosterone into estrogen. Also muscle mass that we had in our youth helps to up the right kind of testosterone in a man's body and often as we age we loose muscle mass. At age 63 he should get a really good baseline physical with lots of blood work done. It is time to know if he has any medical issues. This is for a couple reasons. First, if he can take care of them prior to getting on Medicare, he will be far better off. Second if he makes changes to improve his health now he will be with you a lot longer.

Next, A 62 year old man is probably thinking of retirement. Retirement is a huge lifestyle change. I have seen friends go into the equivalent of a "mid-life" crisis only it is an end of working life crisis. Not sure what causes it, but it happens. If that is going on, and you go to a ST, them may recommend an individual councelor for your H. A guy asking his wife to sleep around as a Hot Wife is kind of over the top, unless he really wants to be a cuckhold and life the lifestyle. But I would wager he didn't express that desire to you 20 years ago. 

Again, you sound like you must really love him to push your boundaries. Not talking about sex, walking on egg shell to avoid confrontation is not a good way to live a marriage.

Good luck to you.

P.S. There is a really good book that our Sex Therapist recommended to my wife. It is called Still Sexy after all these Years. It is interviews of women who are over age 50 and don't have a traditional partner telling how they remain sensual and sexual.


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