# 10 Years and She No Longer Has Interest



## ConfusedAndMarried (11 mo ago)

This is my first time posting and honestly I never thought I’d be in this position.

My wife and I married ten years ago and have two beautiful boys, ages 9 and 6. For 8 1/2 of those years, I worked onsite and focused heavily on my career, but always tried to show my wife how much she means to me through big displays of surprise birthday cruises (seriously, I even took time off work for her by emailing her boss) and other displays of affection. I’ve always had a little bit of an issue instigating sex and showing public displays of affection so I’ve leaned on her for intimacy. It’s a way that I’ve avoided my fear of rejection because early on she got pregnant and we never really established a healthy rhythm. 

6 months ago I felt her pushing away from me and focusing on herself. When I think back, it was around the time she started taking citalopram that she stopped showing me her interest in me altogether - that was about 4 years ago. We would still have sex, but only about once per month. Now it has been six months and since I understood her need for me to instigate I have been making this a focus instead of my career.

I’m a reasonably attractive person who is in great physical shape (6’ 1” 175 pounds), has great hygiene and makes six figures. I’m also thoroughly engaged with the kids! However, about 2 months ago I upgraded her engagement ring to 1.5 carats and it’s really impressive. I told her it was a symbol of the past 10 years being such a focus on my career that I wanted to sell some stock I had been awarded and give it back to her understanding that I needed HER to be my priority. The hard part is that while I was welling up and sobbing, she was pretty much emotionless. It is all meaningless to her. I’ve tried better communication - listening and hearing her, but with little progress if any.

I’m worried that she is completely checked out and won’t be able to find her lost love for me and it tears me apart.

Has anyone gone through something similar?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> This is my first time posting and honestly I never thought I’d be in this position.
> 
> My wife and I married ten years ago and have two beautiful boys, ages 9 and 6. For 8 1/2 of those years, I worked onsite and focused heavily on my career, but always tried to show my wife how much she means to me through big displays of surprise birthday cruises (seriously, I even took time off work for her by emailing her boss) and other displays of affection. I’ve always had a little bit of an issue instigating sex and showing public displays of affection so I’ve leaned on her for intimacy. It’s a way that I’ve avoided my fear of rejection because early on she got pregnant and we never really established a healthy rhythm.
> 
> ...


Happens to a lot of us. My ex blind sided me and bailed out after 20 years together and did so like it was a business decision.

As far as sex, I don't have an answer...many couples go through sex issues in their marriage that never get resolved. Many here have good sex lives but I know just as many guys who do not.

No real advice from me just know you are not alone...good luck!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have a choice. Whether you use it or not is up to you. Making excuses to try and stay will just get you more of what you’ve been getting.

Rewarding crappy behavior is the best way to ensure you’ll get more of it.

The pick me dance just doesn’t work. As you’ve seen.


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## ConfusedAndMarried (11 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You have a choice. Whether you use it or not is up to you. Making excuses to try and stay will just get you more of what you’ve been getting.
> 
> Rewarding crappy behavior is the best way to ensure you’ll get more of it.
> 
> The pick me dance just doesn’t work. As you’ve seen.


Is the only other choice to leave? I grew up in a broken family from age 7 and absolutely don’t want that for my boys. I also don’t want them to think that what we have going on is normal (although they wouldn’t necessarily know what exactly is going on). 

It’s such a tough position to be in. I know I’d be a decent catch on the dating market, but my heart belongs to her. I can’t force her to recognize it, but is there ANYTHING at all I can do?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> It’s such a tough position to be in. I know I’d be a decent catch on the dating market, but my heart belongs to her.


It won’t belong to her for long if this keeps up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some antidepressants are notorious for killing libido. 

Why did she go on the medications to begin with?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Is the only other choice to leave? I grew up in a broken family from age 7 and absolutely don’t want that for my boys. I also don’t want them to think that what we have going on is normal (although they wouldn’t necessarily know what exactly is going on).
> 
> It’s such a tough position to be in. I know I’d be a decent catch on the dating market, but my heart belongs to her. I can’t force her to recognize it, but is there ANYTHING at all I can do?


You can try going your own way. See how that works. Many in your position will try and take the blame. Using the if I broke it I can fix it scheme. Marriage is for two. One can’t fix it.
You may try reading “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download and short. See if it rings any bells.
*
If it were me I’d go online and check out the phone bill*. At least to rule out there isn’t something else in the mix.
Sorry you’re here but there is rarely a magic fix to these issues.
Marriage Counseling if you could find a decent one maybe of value. However, a lot of those are rugsweeping BS artists so be very careful going that route.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> 6 months ago I felt her pushing away from me and focusing on herself. When I think back, it was around the time she started taking citalopram that she stopped showing me her interest in me altogether - that was about 4 years ago. We would still have sex, but only about once per month. Now it has been six months and since I understood her need for me to instigate I have been making this a focus instead of my career.


In case you didn't know, you being attractive physically, showering your wife with gifts, going on luxury trips, and making six figures does nothing to arouse passion in her, unless it is a passion to go elsewhere. You have allowed yourself to become irrelevant to her. Not sure what citalpram is for, but if it killed her libido that was likely a positive for her if you had only been doing her once a month. Going to zero isn't much of a difference. 

I am amazed she didn't start cheating on you years ago, evidently she has too much integrity to go that route. The thing is, now that her libido is zero she doesn't care whether you instigate or not. The answer is "nope". Can you actually blame her?



As far as what to do, have you actually talked with her about all of this? I would think she harbors a LOT of resentment. Wouldn't you if shoe were on the other foot? Read some of the threads from men on this forum whose wives have shut their sex drive down. That is what you have been doing to your own wife!

MAYBE with conversation and some assistance from a Marriage Counselor / Sex counselor AND with you getting your act together, as in you a male showing SEXUAL interest 24/7 in your wife AND you put ACTIONS to any words, your marriage can be salvaged. But it is way past time for yor to do something besides pulling down big bucks.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You really need to know what you are up against.

Is it an affair? Or is it just her growing apart?

It would behoove you to find out because the way to deal with each situation is very different. 

Start by checking your phone bill. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Have you ever ASKED her what is going on with her lack of interest in sex? Have you ever had a sit-down discussion with her about how disconnected she is with emotionally, and found out WHY...?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> It’s such a tough position to be in. I know *I’d be a decent catch on the dating market,* but my heart belongs to her. I can’t force her to recognize it, but is there ANYTHING at all I can do?


Really? Yes, with a lot of money and physically attractive maybe so. Just realize your wife will be taking a high percentage of that money if you split. Also, how many women are going to be interested in a man who is ambivalent about sex? As in ok with once a month when he was married and making no effort to wear his wife out. 

Just this early morning my wife told me that the biggest high for her is my sexual interest in her after all of our years together. And her interest in me is my biggest high. We are in our 70s! Somehow you need to light a fire under yourself, and MAYBE your energetic passion will reignite her interest in you.


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## ConfusedAndMarried (11 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You can try going your own way. See how that works. Many in your position will try and take the blame. Using the if I broke it I can fix it scheme. Marriage is for two. One can’t fix it.
> You may try reading “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download and short. See if it rings any bells.
> 
> *If it were me I’d go online and check out the phone bill*. At least to rule out there isn’t something else in the mix.
> ...


Thanks for your input. I actually already read Dr. Glover’s book. I’ve reconnected with a bunch of old friends as of late and started to get my own agenda, but the progress is so slow if anything. It hurts to check out and I’m afraid of where my heart will end up!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Citalopram is an antidepressant. One of it's side effects are "sexual problems". But I assume you cared enough to find all about this medication. Who prescribed it and why? Is she under treatment for depression by a professional? What is the treatment plan and what is the prognosis. Does the professional know WHY she is depressed? Has your wife told YOU why she is depressed. Maybe you not initiating has something to do with it? I could certainly imagine how that could contribute to her feeling unloved, not valued, not attractive, a lot of negative emotions.

Some have pointed you toward considering an affair. That may be what happened six months ago but personally doubt it. Because if she had started an affair with someone who wanted her sexually and showed it, she would have probably stopped the antidepressant because she wanted to ditch the side effects and because she would no longer be depressed! Most women who start an affair are having monkey sex with their AP and want nothing to slow them down, especially an antidepressant.

You have a lot of work ahead if you want to salvage this. Reading Glover's book, 180s and all of that other stuff isn't likely even on the agenda.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It sounds like you've been a good beta provider but not the attractive, fun alpha she wants to have sex with.

Is there a chance of an affair? I'd check her phone and other devices. Women will rarely check out unless they have the next guy lined up. Had she spoke about any other males in a pleasant fashion lately? Like ohh this new guy at work is so fun.

If you've already read NMMNG try Married Man's Sex Life Primer and 3% Man.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> I’ve always had a little bit of an issue instigating sex and showing public displays of affection so I’ve leaned on her for intimacy. It’s a way that I’ve avoided my fear of rejection because early on she got pregnant and we never really established a healthy rhythm.


This is a huge problem. Women want a make who is aggressive and takes charge sexually.

Read Sex God Method.

Do some out of the ordinary. Pick her up, throw her on the bed, take her clothes off, and go to down. Maybe she'll be like...ohh honey...what has gotten into you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Is the only other choice to leave? I grew up in a broken family from age 7 and absolutely don’t want that for my boys. I also don’t want them to think that what we have going on is normal (although they wouldn’t necessarily know what exactly is going on).
> 
> It’s such a tough position to be in. I know I’d be a decent catch on the dating market, but my heart belongs to her. I can’t force her to recognize it, but is there ANYTHING at all I can do?


Have you both sat down and had good heart to hearts about all of this?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Thanks for your input. I actually already read Dr. Glover’s book
> I’ve reconnected with a bunch of old friends as of late and started to get my own agenda, but the progress is so slow if anything. It hurts to check out and I’m afraid of where my heart will end up!


A good first step.
Just realize a marriage takes two. One cannot do it alone.
You aren’t checking out. Stay away from female friends. You don’t need more problems!! It’s more like putting your house in order.* Don’t forget to check the phone bill.* If nothing else at least rule that out.

From what I’ve seen many will grasp at straws. Trying to fix the problem but not really knowing what the problem is. Apply some common sense first. It’s not uncommon for people to panic. Getting in panic or shock mode wont help at all and may make the situation worse. If you start chasing they often move farther away.
There is no magic and I doubt this happened all of a sudden so don’t look for quick fixes, etc.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i she had no emotions when you gave her that anniverary ring present....that means one and only one thing....she has checked out.

assuming she is not cheating on you.....know that once a woman has checked out, it is pretty hard to get them to love you again.

So what seemed to you to be you working hard for the family for the past ten years, might have seemed to her that you did not care, and did not love her. I am sure along the way that there were important events that you had forgotten about, that devestated her. i am only guessing here. but in her eyes maybe there were a thousand instances where your actions said "i do not love you", and now you suddenly woke up, did a few positive things, and are surprised she is not all lovie dovie again.

well, you are going to have to put in a whole lot more work than that.
a good first step is to sit down at a quiet time, and start talking about "how can we make our marriage better?"
and really listen to what she says.
if she takes the time to sit down with you and discuss it, then your marriage is NOT over yet, she is willing to try (although perhaps skeptical)

if things are going along at that point, suggest maybe a marriage counselor. 
It this case, i would not worry about the lack of sex....if you can fix the underlying marriage, the sex will come back eventually too.


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## ConfusedAndMarried (11 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Citalopram is an antidepressant. One of it's side effects are "sexual problems". But I assume you cared enough to find all about this medication. Who prescribed it and why? Is she under treatment for depression by a professional? What is the treatment plan and what is the prognosis. Does the professional know WHY she is depressed? Has your wife told YOU why she is depressed. Maybe you not initiating has something to do with it? I could certainly imagine how that could contribute to her feeling unloved, not valued, not attractive, a lot of negative emotions.
> 
> Some have pointed you toward considering an affair. That may be what happened six months ago but personally doubt it. Because if she had started an affair with someone who wanted her sexually and showed it, she would have probably stopped the antidepressant because she wanted to ditch the side effects and because she would no longer be depressed! Most women who start an affair are having monkey sex with their AP and want nothing to slow them down, especially an antidepressant.
> 
> You have a lot of work ahead if you want to salvage this. Reading Glover's book, 180s and all of that other stuff isn't likely even on the agenda.


You make some great points. Initiating is my focus, like I’ve said, but the damage may already be done.


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## ConfusedAndMarried (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Have you both sat down and had good heart to hearts about all of this?


Yes we have. She has told me to focus on myself and give her space.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Yes we have. She has told me to focus on myself and give her space.


Why?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

When women say they need space, give it to them.

Become busy, go out with friends, hit the gym, become attractive. 

The go plan should be the same as the stay plan. From this day forward run your life how YOU want to run it.Do the things you want to do. Buy the things you want to buy. If your wife comes around and decides she wants to stay in your life awesome, if not, oh well. If you have your act together you'll have no problem finding younger, hotter women who will give you all the love and sex you want and deserve. 

Bottomline, do not keep living in a world where you have an emotionless wife who doesn't care about you.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Yes we have. She has told me to focus on myself and give her space.


I think that's woman talk for "hopefully you get your own life so when I leave, you won't be so hurt". But I'm not a woman so I'm not totally sure, but i'm sure that's how I'd take it if my wife were to say that to me.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I think that's woman talk for "hopefully you get your own life so when I leave, you won't be so hurt". But I'm not a woman so I'm not totally sure, but i'm sure that's how I'd take it if my wife were to say that to me.


This is 100% true.

Also, has she given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> This is 100% true.
> 
> Also, has she given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech?


If she hasn't, you know that's coming next


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Are you sure she is actually still taking the antidepressant? If she stopped, and has totally distanced from you, told you to give her space and focus on yourself, then the ship has sailed and I will throw in with the "she has someone else" crowd. BTW, once THAT happens, someone else is railing her like she should be, hard and often, she is NEVER coming back to you. In that case, there isn't anything to salvage, you will need to move on with your life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Yes we have. She has told me to focus on myself and give her space.


Be aware when a woman says she needs more space - the “Space” she is talking about is usually in the form of 6’3” of rippling muscles with six-pack abz, a tan and sparkling blue eyes. 

Needing “space” is always a Red Alert! situation.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> However, about 2 months ago I upgraded her engagement ring to 1.5 carats and it’s really impressive. I told her it was a symbol of the past 10 years being such a focus on my career that I wanted to sell some stock I had been awarded and give it back to her understanding that I needed HER to be my priority. The hard part is that while I was welling up and sobbing, she was pretty much emotionless.


I'm just going to call it...your wife probably thinks you are a ***** and a simp.

I think you are clueless as to what women want.

Let's just recap this.

Your wife hadn't had sex with you 4 months and hasn't given you much attention or love in 4 years. Your solution was to sell stock to get cash and then buy her a bigger ring? Meanwhile crying like a baby while you expressed your never ending love for her?

I'm not at all surprised she looked at you emotionless. What women want is not what you see in Disney movies. 

As oldshirt and rus47 have said, she's probably out getting railed by a guy who knows how to bang and doesn't act like a *****.

What I see is a man chasing around a woman like a puppy and saying love me, love me.

Stop this behavior immediately. Start doing all of the things I and others have mentioned. 

In my opinion you should look into the cheating thing first. TONIGHT. Grab her phone and see what she's been up to. Check the phone bill too. Also check the computer.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Yes we have. She has told me to focus on myself and give her space.


In case you haven’t already picked this up from the other posters, this is a very critical revelation. This bumps things up into at least a DEFCON 3 situation.

This goes beyond not being horny for you and a lack of sex. 

This above is saying she does not even want you around and does not want you interacting with her AT ALL. 

It’s a good bet that the reason she is still in the house is that you have minor children, you are paying for the food and roof over their heads and her other guy hasn’t committed to taking her fulltime yet (key word being YET)

You need to wake up here and realize that this is a critical situation and your marriage either has imploded or is on the razor edge of imploding at any moment. This is no longer about libido and sex. 

This is now about whether your kids will still be living with you in the next few weeks or even days or whether you will be paying child support and paying her spousal support while they all live with some other guy. 

Even if there is not other guy, you’re on the very brink here.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Guys,

Do you really think his wife is having sex with someone else just because of what she said? It will be interesting to see if the women here think that way? You guys make it sound as if every woman who is unhappy in a marriage is out screwing others...which I don't believe happens like many think.

I don't. I think she just isn't into sex and thats pretty much it. Sounds like she is done being married too but I wouldn't assume she is automatically having sex with someone else.

How many of you have had cheating wives to speak direct from experience? My ex never cheated, she was just done being married. There is a big difference.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Even if there is not other guy, you’re on the very brink here.


I do agree with this!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Guys,
> 
> Do you really think his wife is having sex with someone else just because of what she said? It will be interesting to see if the women here think that way? You guys make it sound as if every woman who is unhappy in a marriage is out screwing others...which I don't believe happens like many think.
> 
> ...


There of course is a possibility there is not another man involved.

What is key here is she has completely withdrawn both physically and emotionally but even more concerning is she has told him to go do his own thing and leave her alone....ie “space.”

That is not direct evidence of another man. 

But at this degree of disconnect, would the fact there is no other man really a better situation? That would mean she simply doesn’t like him and doesn’t want him in her life. (She May want him to continue paying the bills but that is another topic)

So if there isn’t another man on Saturday, Feb 12th,, does that mean there won’t be by next weekend or even in the next week. 

I’m assuming she is probably early-mid 30s.
Assuming the OP isn’t abusive, chemically addicted, chronically unemployed and hasn’t completely abandoned the family himself, the chance of a woman this age with young children having this degree of disconnect without 3rd party involvement is pretty rare. 

At minimum it is a possibility that must be taken very seriously and considered with full due diligence.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Women will almost never leave a man or withdrawal like this without the next man lined up. Even if she isn't cheating she could have a guy in mind.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> Yes we have. She has told me to focus on myself and give her space.


Space for what? If I were you I’d start digging around some.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Well I know what is do... get that goddamn ring back, sell it and buy something for myself. Engagement rings aren't for replacement anyway. 

Just my .02, sounds like you've already gotten some solid advice.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m going to ask a few questions, you mention you were disinterested in initiating sex, and it was infrequent? So was this a long-standing issue for her? As in, she thought she was in a sexless marriage? (Please correct me if I’m wrong?)

Now coming from a woman, our great and annoying gift to marriage is that we speak out and voice things a lot! (sometimes called nagging or ‘she’s never happy’) 😆 Which means for more than 10 years, she was letting you know over and over what she needed, what she didn’t need, and what she wasn’t happy with, and what she needed to feel loved and desired. This means she loves you - YOU and wants to make you happy and she wants to be married to YOU.

A woman who loves and desires her husband, and wants to stay married keeps communicating.

Until The day that she stops talking. Now it takes utter heartache to get to that point. Like men, a woman wants to be cherished and adored and seen and heard. And let me tell you, the big gifts are not what a woman like this needs (you frequently mention lavish gifts). This is especially true if a woman’s seen the Sopranos… because Carmela knows what Tony’s done when big bling appears 😂

Now to get serious, because this isn’t funny and it’s not a laughing matter, What was your wife saying to you during the first half of your marriage? About sex, about gifts? This will give some insight into how it came to this.

And be honest if there was something drastic from your end that was the final straw to make her want to end the marriage (I feel this is where she’s going) - be it infidelity, or something major that made her feel she could no longer trust anything you say. It will help us to better guide you. I hope that things work out because it sounds like you do love her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

thunderchad said:


> Women will almost never leave a man or withdrawal like this without the next man lined up. Even if she isn't cheating she could have a guy in mind.


Not always. Sometimes it’s a form of protection when the man has been abusive, neglectful or unfaithful. In an abusive situation where she’s scared to leave, she wouldn’t dare have another man, and will stay alone long long after the marriage has ended.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

From your first post, I thought your wife is involved with another man. Since you’ve added additional info, my opinion has been even more solidified that you are dealing with a wife who’s been in a LTA. She has sexually cut you off because she has become more emotionally connected with OM, hence why she can’t stomach to even interact with you. 

A wife who has a loving, attractive husband, who’s also a good provider for their family is not going to basically tell her catch of a husband, you do you. Unless, she’s in wuv with someone else. We had recently had a thread from a BH who’s wife completely changed after getting off her meds. Had a few posters go to the usual she has emotional issues and husband is just being insecure. Turned out she was having an affair with a married tattoo artist.

You better check her phone, tablet, and laptop. Go through text, social media, and emails. Be on look out for a burner phone. It will be in her car.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I'm lost on the acronyms here. What's BH, WW, OM, LTA, etc?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

thunderchad said:


> I'm lost on the acronyms here. What's BH, WW, OM, LTA, etc?


Betrayed Husband
Wayward Wife
Other Man
Long Term Affair.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> Not always. Sometimes it’s a form of protection when the man has been abusive, neglectful or unfaithful. In an abusive situation where she’s scared to leave, she wouldn’t dare have another man, and will stay alone long long after the marriage has ended.


agreed.

But assuming that the H is NOT abusive, addicted/alcoholic, chronically unemployed or hasn't completely abandoned the family himself, Would you say that is fairly unusual for a mother of young children to leave the father of her children is there is not another man (or woman) involved to one degree or another? 

Now granted, in this scenario the W is still in the home and hasn't technically left him physically. But as she seems completely disconnected and has told him to do his own thing and said to give her space, the index of suspicion is very high.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> agreed.
> 
> But assuming that the H is NOT abusive, addicted/alcoholic, chronically unemployed or hasn't completely abandoned the family himself, Would you say that is fairly unusual for a mother of young children to leave the father of her children is there is not another man (or woman) involved to one degree or another?
> 
> Now granted, in this scenario the W is still in the home and hasn't technically left him physically. But as she seems completely disconnected and has told him to do his own thing and said to give her space, the index of suspicion is very high.


Very possible! Something about the lavish gesture, huge ring and welling and sobbing concerns me though. From a person who seemed largely disinterested (his words 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also the lavish cruise, where he emailed her boss (😵) to arrange time off work for her.

I could be very wrong and OP I apologise if so, but he hasn’t really answered any direct questions and has been vague when he has answered. It is very very sad when it comes to this, I like to see two people work it out and listen. And for both parties to be heard.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Luckylucky , I see his gestures as desperation to save his marriage and family because his gut is telling him something is wrong. So many times, guys don’t want to go to such a painful realization of what’s happening right in front of him because they still have their wife on a pedestal. No not my wife, she’s conservative, religious, hates cheaters, low sex drive, etc. but when they delve deeper, they inevitably find there worse fear. 

I’ve lost count of the number of threads that start in the sex or general section with something just like OP described for it to in the end be that wife’s involved with another man. In the beginning those who point out that there’s probably adultery involved are shamed by a few for thinking this all the time but like clock work, a few pages down, it comes out.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I


ConfusedAndMarried said:


> You make some great points. Initiating is my focus, like I’ve said, but the damage may already be done.


 “initiating is my focus” … I don’t get that. You’re obviously attracted to her so why does this require “focus”. I mean, if you’re thirsty you get a drink. If you’re “thirsty” for your wife… you initiate. It’s super painful for women to not be desired by their men. They don’t want to initiate- they want to be desired. Are you masturbating, not have sexual desire, or something else?

“Desire” is probably more important than gifts in many women’s eyes.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I'm betting the citalopram is the leading factor In her low libido.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Some antidepressants are notorious for killing libido.
> 
> Why did she go on the medications to begin with?


yes, why is she on Citalopram? Is she a stay at home mum? Two young children can take a heavy toll. Maybe she is depressed and can't cope. The last thing she wants is her husband harassing her for sex. It seems to me she has other priorities right now and you are not one. Why does she want space?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> @Luckylucky , I see his gestures as desperation to save his marriage and family because his gut is telling him something is wrong. So many times, guys don’t want to go to such a painful realization of what’s happening right in front of him because they still have their wife on a pedestal. No not my wife, she’s conservative, religious, hates cheaters, low sex drive, etc. but when they delve deeper, they inevitably find there worse fear.
> 
> I’ve lost count of the number of threads that start in the sex or general section with something just like OP described for it to in the end be that wife’s involved with another man. In the beginning those who point out that there’s probably adultery involved are shamed by a few for thinking this all the time but like clock work, a few pages down, it comes out.


Maybe this case is identical by now. But her being on anti-depressants means that something has been depressing her for a long time. OP working all of the time and not doing homework. A big lavish ring and birthday trips weren't what she craved. Why do people, both men and women, allow a marriage relationship to go so far off of the rails before they begin to awaken from their slumber? The OP should have spent maximum effort connecting with her in every way *before* his wife got on antidepressants, and most certainly four years ago when she started on them! 

I hope that it isn't too late for him to turn things around. If another man has been providing what she craves, I agree it is of course too late to fix. All of that money he has been working to make will be for another to spend.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> yes, why is she on Citalopram? Is she a stay at home mum? Two young children can take a heavy toll. Maybe she is depressed and can't cope. The last thing she wants is her husband harassing her for sex. It seems to me she has other priorities right now and you are not one. Why does she want space?


Seriously, the kids are 9 and 6. She should be able to "cope" and if she views a sexual relationship as "harassment" she should not BE in a sexual relationship, she should be single. 

FYI at 9 years old I was babysitting neighborhood kids.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jsmart said:


> @Luckylucky
> 
> I’ve lost count of the number of threads that start in the sex or general section with something just like OP described for it to in the end be that wife’s involved with another man. In the beginning those who point out that there’s probably adultery involved are shamed by a few for thinking this all the time but like clock work, a few pages down, it comes out.


once again, this just points out how vitally important a good sex life is.
If the married couple is getting good sex, they seldom stray outside the marriage. AND the marriage seldom ends in divorce. that is not 100% true all the time, but like you said, it starts as "our sex life is not very good, blah blah blah, but we are still in love", and two weeks later after looking into it, the posts are more "she was doing the local football team after every big game, along with the coach, and posted the videos online on her onlyfans site".

the bad sex drives the HD spouse to cheat, or divorce the LD one "out of the blue".


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Talker67 , it is almost comical how so many times these threads start just like this one then when you dig deeper, there is the problem, an affair. But you’re right that a marriage that has a strong sexual connection is usually very secure.

@In Absentia how can you consider a husband wanting to have sexual intimacy with his wife harassment? This woman sexually cut her husband Off for the past 4 months, this is after her already sharply curtailing the sex for years.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> the bad sex drives the HD spouse to cheat, or divorce the LD one "out of the blue".


Actually what we see here the most is that the supposed LD is often the one that turns out to be involved elsewhere. 

Many times it turns out they don’t really have libido issues, just no desire for their partner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tested_by_stress said:


> I'm betting the citalopram is the leading factor In her low libido.


What is it?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Actually what we see here the most is that the supposed LD is often the one that turns out to be involved elsewhere.
> 
> Many times it turns out they don’t really have libido issues, just no desire for their partner.


good point, we have certainly seen that too.
the cheater does not want to CHEAT against their affair partner, so no sex with their married partner.

its a clown world!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think she is just another sex-hater that is using her husband. I don't think she is cheating just doesn't want sex but wants all the other benefits of the marriage.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> This is my first time posting and honestly I never thought I’d be in this position.
> 
> My wife and I married ten years ago and have two beautiful boys, ages 9 and 6. For 8 1/2 of those years, I worked onsite and focused heavily on my career, but always tried to show my wife how much she means to me through big displays of surprise birthday cruises (seriously, I even took time off work for her by emailing her boss) and other displays of affection. I’ve always had a little bit of an issue instigating sex and showing public displays of affection so I’ve leaned on her for intimacy. It’s a way that I’ve avoided my fear of rejection because early on she got pregnant and we never really established a healthy rhythm.
> 
> ...


I went through pretty much what you are going through now. It was about ten years ago. I doubt she is pulling away, its the citalopram or aka Celexa.

I am willing to bet she wakes up and looks like a robot walking around, or watches tv and just hyperfocused on the tv without much talking or engagement. Her pupils look a bit dilated and she talks a little slower, and little enthusiasm.

I don't know if she is taking for anxiety, depression or what. But citalopram will shutdown a sex drive. Ask her doctor to add Wellbutrin to the citalopram as this is a common combination. The wellbutrin will counteract a lot of the negative side effects of citalopram, including the non existent sex drive. It will also give her a boost of energy.

citalopram is good for major depression feelings. But it seems to zap any zest of life out of a person and make them appear to not care about anything.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Seriously, the kids are 9 and 6. *She should be able to "cope"* and if she views a sexual relationship as "harassment" she should not BE in a sexual relationship, she should be single.
> 
> FYI at 9 years old I was babysitting neighborhood kids.


My wife was SAHM for four kids, first two 18 months apart. Never slowed her down, never depressed her, was what SHE wanted from life. She had a (short) career before we married, but said her greatest desire was to be a mommy. Maybe some (or maybe most) women can't handle it, in which case they should take the kids to daycare and go to work. Not everyone is cutout for being a SAHM and in these times, both spouses should probably be working a career. IMO being "exhausted" from kids is no excuse for anything really.

In case of OP's wife, HE should have been proactive dealing with her depression when it first surfaced. If because of caring for kids, then help her find work and a good daycare.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

How to Reduce Sexual Side Effects From Antidepressants


Learn how you can reduce the sexual dysfunction commonly associated with antidepressants. Options include both medication and behavioral methods.




www.verywellmind.com


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

ConanHub said:


> What is it?


Its an ssri antidepressant. It works on major depression. But it shuts a person down in many ways including sex drive and enjoying anything. You can easily think a spouse taking this has lost all interest in you and has checked out of the marriage even though its the furthest from the truth. 

Imagine slipping Tom Brady an Ambien sleeping pill during Super Bowl. He isn't going to fall asleep on the field. But he will appear dazed and confused like he doesn't care about football or winning the game


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> the bad sex drives the HD spouse to cheat, or divorce the LD one "out of the blue".


Except in this case, OP isn't HD and neither is the wife. He has allowed 4 years to pass with little intimacy, expecting his wife to "initiate". Four years ago they should have had a "frank and honest exchange of views" on the subject. Something like "you aren't happy, I am not happy, what is the problem(s) and how are we going to address them?" The OP being acquiescing in the situation is the root problem IMO.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Seriously, the kids are 9 and 6. She should be able to "cope" and if she views a sexual relationship as "harassment" she should not BE in a sexual relationship, she should be single.
> 
> FYI at 9 years old I was babysitting neighborhood kids.


if she is taking an antidepressant, obviously there is an underlying problem... if you are having mental issues, the mental issue becomes your primary focus. She might be able to function at a superficial level, but some every day chores (sex included) might not be her priority. We don't know this. Maybe in her headspace there is only room for her issues and the kids. Do not underestimate what antidepressants do to your libido and your personality.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Its an ssri antidepressant. It works on major depression. But it shuts a person down in many ways including sex drive and enjoying anything. You can easily think a spouse taking this has lost all interest in you and has checked out of the marriage even though its the furthest from the truth.
> 
> Imagine slipping Tom Brady an Ambien sleeping pill during Super Bowl. He isn't going to fall asleep on the field. But he will appear dazed and confused like he doesn't care about football or winning the game


Thanks for that information. That definitely sounds like OP's problem.

The cure sounds almost as bad as the illness.

I hope the Wellbutrin you mentioned can help bring her back to life.

It doesn't sound like she could be too happy with the situation either.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The question for me is whether she’s medicated properly for her condition or is there a possibility she’s over-medicated — or on the correct drug. I saw it with my exH and, in his case, it was significant. He was being treated by a psychiatrist and not a general practitioner (psychiatrists can be very negative about non-psychiatrists prescribing drugs such as that one) but I don’t recall if OP said who prescribed hers. And, in fairness, psychiatrists aren’t faultless about over-medicating, etc., either. Those drugs can be very hit-or-miss and it can take a long time, and a lot of effort, to find what’s right for you.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> What is it?


It is an anti-depressant and sexual problems are a known side effect. ED in men and loss of interest for women.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

jsmart said:


> @In Absentia how can you consider a husband wanting to have sexual intimacy with his wife harassment? This woman sexually cut her husband Off for the past 4 months, this is after her already sharply curtailing the sex for years.


Maybe I didn't explain myself properly. If the wife is struggling with mental issues, anything laying outside her coping mechanism and therefore not controlled will be seen as "harassment". In terms of sex, she probably has no libido and has to find a solution to a problem she can't even acknowledge because she has not physical feelings for it. My wife has been on ADs for over 20 years and she used to tell me she had to get into the zone, prepare mentally for sex, because she didn't feel any urge, nothing. We had to schedule sex, so she could condition herself to have it. It's difficult to understand if you've never been on them.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Sorry, but despite red pill claims, most women couldn't care less about big, expensive gifts. If all that comes with the great husband / loving relationship then maybe, but never instead of. Many women, I daresay most, need something deeper in order to form and keep a connection.

I think your love language is gifts, so you give her gifts. Her love language is probably not. In other words, you're not loving her the way she needs to be loved in order to feel emotionally connected to you. It's clearly not working, so try something else.

*ETA: It almost feels as if these grand gestures are a form of apology. Have you cheated on your wife or something else you haven't told us? Does she know?



thunderchad said:


> Bottomline, do not keep living in a world where you have an emotionless wife who doesn't care about you.


Even if you helped create that monster...


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> Sorry, but despite red pill claims, most women couldn't care less about big, expensive gifts.



Big expense gifts would be blue pill / simping as far as I know.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Big expense gifts would be blue pill / simping as far as I know.


🤷‍♀️ Don't really care. Just seems to be an influx of the type around here lately. The frequent claim is that women just want to use men, thus the reference. Letting him know it isn't true. Wasn't calling him a red pill guy.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> 🤷‍♀️ Don't really care. Just seems to be an influx of the type around here lately. The frequent claim is that women just want to use men, thus the reference. Letting him know it isn't true. Wasn't calling him a red pill guy.


Yeah a lot of those guys are dumb.

Women obviously like money but it is not because of the reasons those guys think. They don't want to be showered with money and gifts. That makes the woman seem like a gold digger or ***** and the guy seem like a simp.

They like the freedom and lifestyle a man with money can bring. Those are two very different things.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

theloveofmylife said:


> 🤷‍♀️ Don't really care. Just seems to be an influx of the type around here lately. The frequent claim is that women just want to use men, thus the reference. Letting him know it isn't true. Wasn't calling him a red pill guy.


Its true that a majority of women dont need expensive gifts to be happy. I believe the biggest gift is unconditional love, support and trust.

But an occasional big gift does help. Its almost like getting your favorite ice cream with all the toppings and as a bonus, extra whip cream for the top. And enough to make a whip cream bikini top on them to lick off later 😋


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> For 8 1/2 of those years, I worked onsite and focused heavily on my career, but always tried to show my wife how much she means to me through big displays of surprise birthday cruises


You spent 81/2 years giving your time to work. No time for your wife. This is maybe what depressed her. You are reaping the penalty for your neglect.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Seriously, the kids are 9 and 6. She should be able to "cope" and if she views a sexual relationship as "harassment" she should not BE in a sexual relationship, she should be single.
> 
> FYI at 9 years old I was babysitting neighborhood kids.


Damn good answer!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> Big expense gifts would be blue pill / simping as far as I know.


I asked my wife one day why she says some guys are creepy when they hit on her and others aren't. She said she didn't know, they just are. I asked if the creepy guys hit on her any different than the not so creepy guys and she just said they "look" creepy. Then the lightbulb moment hit and I asked her "so if it's a good looking guy, it's not creepy and if he's ugly, it's creepy?" She said "i guess"

Expensive gifts are the same thing; woman don't want expensive gifts from creepy guys, but they'll fawn over them from someone they find attractive.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I asked my wife one day why she says some guys are creepy when they hit on her and others aren't. She said she didn't know, they just are. I asked if the creepy guys hit on her any different than the not so creepy guys and she just said they "look" creepy. Then the lightbulb moment hit and I asked her "so if it's a good looking guy, it's not creepy and if he's ugly, it's creepy?" She said "i guess"


Its only sexual harassment if he's unattractive.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> Its only sexual harassment if he's unattractive.


So true!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> yes, why is she on Citalopram? Is she a stay at home mum? *Two young children can take a heavy toll. *Maybe she is depressed and can't cope. The last thing she wants is her husband harassing her for sex. It seems to me she has other priorities right now and you are not one. Why does she want space?


not to nitpick, just rambling my thoughts on this: 
I don’t understand the Heavy toll? Why?
I have three. They were never a heavy toll for me and I spent lots of time with mine. If kids were such a heavy toll, why would anyone have them?
They’re a heavy toll for people who can’t hack it at anything in life and constantly complain about everything until they eventually go to the doctor and get on antidepressants, lose any self motivation to do anything fun AND their sex drive.
Personally, if I’m interested in a woman and find out she’s on antidepressants, I’m headed for the hills. If she complains what a heavy toll her kids are taking…..I gotta go.

when he said she was on citalpram or whatever……. His goose was cooked in my mind. I’m visualizing a woman that doesn’t work, has no life, sits at home bored and miserable. Her husband is not a source of friebdship because he’s doing his own thing…
She basically has little to look forward to. People aren’t meant to sit around idle. They need challenges and things to be happy about.
I’m not saying this is all her fault. But she has zero interest in him and he contributed. Most people can’t do the stay at home mom thing and be happy. Jmo.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ConfusedAndMarried said:


> This is my first time posting and honestly I never thought I’d be in this position.
> 
> My wife and I married ten years ago and have two beautiful boys, ages 9 and 6. For 8 1/2 of those years, I worked onsite and focused heavily on my career, but always tried to show my wife how much she means to me through big displays of surprise birthday cruises (seriously, I even took time off work for her by emailing her boss) and other displays of affection. I’ve always had a little bit of an issue instigating sex and showing public displays of affection so I’ve leaned on her for intimacy. It’s a way that I’ve avoided my fear of rejection because early on she got pregnant and we never really established a healthy rhythm.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're going to have to go to a marriage counselor to get communication open with her and find out what's going on.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

thunderchad said:


> Its only sexual harassment if he's unattractive.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> Really? Yes, with a lot of money and physically attractive maybe so. Just realize your wife will be taking a high percentage of that money if you split. Also, how many women are going to be interested in a man who is ambivalent about sex? As in ok with once a month when he was married and making no effort to wear his wife out.
> 
> Just this early morning my wife told me that the biggest high for her is my sexual interest in her after all of our years together. And her interest in me is my biggest high. We are in our 70s! Somehow you need to light a fire under yourself, and MAYBE your energetic passion will reignite her interest in you.


I am the same. In our 50s, we light each others fire and in general we don't let that fire fizzle out. I have always kept the fire lit and I never let up. If I don't, she will stoke the fire and wear me out, lol.
Hearing and reading all these stories, I don't understand how the spouse does this to someone they supposably loved and did it in the beginning? I swear, each time after all these years, it feels like the 1st time, almost every time. My wife's desire for me, is what brings me home every day and I would be lost if this wasn't this way.
P.S. And for us, this is with my wife even going through menopause for the past year and what I was worried about, I no longer have fear of.


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