# Loss for words



## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

I just say what I feel right now. 

I am tired of being blamed for my wife's emotions. I am tired of being told what I haven't done this time or how horrible I am for doing or not doing A, B, C. How I didn't greet the correct person when I walked in the door. This started happening after the 2nd year of our marriage, even before our child. That I sleep too much and I don't do enough around the house. With our child she brings that point up many times, but I work two jobs, that's 100 hours a week, including three 24 hour shifts during the week. She wants me to do all this stuff with her when I am home, but I am not allowed to sleep anymore then 6 hours a day or every two days because she sometimes has a bad time with our son. 

Before our son, I would play video games for hours and in hindsight I do see that as a problem. But it's not like we were far away. My parents are content with being in the same house doing whatever they do. Reading, watch tv, or whatever. Why can't my relationship be like that? I think my only solution is moving into the 2nd bedroom. I thought things would change with having a baby, that only made things more complicated.

We are working on our 5th year and I don't know what to really do. 

I don't know, if you guys have questions to expand this that would help.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You work 100 hours a week and she says you don't do enough around the house? :slap:

I worked 84 hours a week at one time and even though my STBX complained about hardly ever seeing me around she knew her responsibility, appreciated my hard work and showed it by keeping our house spotless.

Next time she whines about you, give her a reality check, and remind her fair is fair. Who does she think she is? A princess?


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> You work 100 hours a week and she says you don't do enough around the house? :slap:
> 
> I worked 84 hours a week at one time and even though my STBX complained about hardly ever seeing me around she knew her responsibility, appreciated my hard work and showed it by keeping our house spotless.
> 
> Next time she whines about you, give her a reality check, and remind her fair is fair. Who does she think she is? A princess?


It's her way to taking out her problems on me. She did this with her mother when she was growing up, but apparently it's ok to do the same to me. I was trying to rationalize tonight but I couldn't take it anymore. Anything I see just backfires. I come home from work for ice cream because i live 2 min drive from work, instead of going to the store. First thing I ask is where our son is. She then proceeds to freak out and I asked her whats wrong, gives me the list then tells me to leave. Then blasts me on text later on how horrible I am. What the hell. I use to cut, paper of course, then leave the place in tears.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Next time, assertively refuse to listen to her BS. Tell her that you're not going to put up with her abusive behaviour (yes it's abusive). You know you're in the right, and if she has any bit of decency she knows it too. If not, then I would start thinking about kicking her out.

Working 100 hours a week, you don't need this sh-t.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

That sounds tough bro. Yeah it sucks coming home after bustin' your butt all the time to a wife who just vents and curses you, making you responsible for her lousy day. You totally don't deserve that treatment.

Advice: Women will start to unravel emotionally if they don't see the light at the end of the tunnel...and just get scared...often in the form of anger. I would try to start interpreting her anger as fear...so instead of get angry, labeling her as being a "crazy b-".I would dare to ask her "Hey, what are you afraid of right now? i want to listen." Let her vent...and if she gets straight-up mean to YOU, then ignore it like she is on a different wavelength and do not respond back to her in the same manner...instead, just say, "Are you finished?-- because how you are talking to me is disrespectful, and frankly, abusive. I want to hear you out and work with you some options, but not if you continue to treat me this way." If she blows up, then remove yourself...but if she stops and apologizes, then you move forward and don't say another word about it.
I suggest you two over the next couple of days list everything that you feel like needs to be addressed in the family. And each item needs to be thoroughly discussed...and each item SHALL NOT be dismissed until understanding has occurred, an agreement is made concerning a goal for that item...and then of course recorded on a calendar or something you will go to to make sure you are meeting your life agenda. Your wife is probably feeling tired and hopeless...and sadly they don't think rational at this stage...like a drowning victim...if they don't calm down, they can drown the rescuer too...so you have to get her to stop acting out by yelling at you or blaming you...and that starts when you set boundaries that it is inappropriate to verbally thrash you. but YOU MUST do some family planning about everything....money goals, career goals, goals for purchases/needs. sex goals/vacation goals/health goals/spiritual goals...things that piss you off...get it all on paper...then compare notes so you can consolidate...then take a couple to days to hammer it all out...and YOU BOTH need to pull up your big boy and big girl pants and hear the **** you typically don't want to hear...cos if you just shove her needs and concerns aside...she will soon shut down, start to hate you, then leave you. I think you will see a big change in her if she feels like and can visually see where the family is heading...and it is something she can play a big part in.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

*The bad news: *Your marriage is in a negative death spiral
*The good news : *This happens very commonly in a marriage when the first child arrives.

I didn't work the incredibly long hours you are working. But, I still used to get home at around eight and have my wife hand the baby over to me.

Wife: _"I've been looking after him and the house all day. Now it's your turn"_
Me: "WTF? I've been working all day. When do I get some time off?"
Wife: _"When do I get some time off?"_

Rinse and repeat. 

Your actual problem is not the laundry list of what you aren't doing; your relationship together has taken a back seat. I realise you're both working so hard for your present and your future. But before you know it you're not spending any quality time together. It creeps up on you but all of a sudden your only conversations are all about work, stuff not done at home, bills, etc.

*A married couple needs to spend 15 hours of alone time a week to maintain a healthy relationship. *Yes, I laughed at that myself, but think of it as an ideal you're both trying to reach.

Understand that without putting your marriage and your relationship first everything will fall apart anyway. When was the last time the two of you went on a date? Just to have a couple of hours together not talking about boring domestic stuff. Get cheap babysitting organised (parents) and take time for the two of you. You are both feeling taken for granted and resent it. This is fatal to a marriage.



wanttofix said:


> I think my only solution is moving into the 2nd bedroom. I thought things would change with having a baby, that only made things more complicated.


Bad idea. You need to spend more quality time together. You've put bonding on hold too long. If you can, cut your hours (I know that might be difficult in these tough times).

Spend the quality time first. Bond again. Acknowledge that there are things you both need to address, but do it later, not when you're spending time together.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Sounds to me like she's turning everything she feels into criticisms towards you. You don't do enough? That's because she feels inadequate. You sleep too long? That's because she sleeps too long. I'm willing to bet she's the one who needs help for depression, maybe something else, because she seems to be turning everything that's wrong with her around on you. 

You do realize that they way she's treating you is abusive right? And if the situation was in reverse with you treating her like this you'd be in some trouble. You're putting up a lot from her that you shouldn't have to.

Here' read these:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/crazy-*****-quiz/#comment-97191
How to Deal with a Borderline Woman | A Shrink for Men


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

wanttofix said:


> I just say what I feel right now.
> 
> I am tired of being blamed for my wife's emotions. I am tired of being told what I haven't done this time or how horrible I am for doing or not doing A, B, C. How I didn't greet the correct person when I walked in the door. This started happening after the 2nd year of our marriage, even before our child. That I sleep too much and I don't do enough around the house. With our child she brings that point up many times, but I work two jobs, that's 100 hours a week, including three 24 hour shifts during the week. She wants me to do all this stuff with her when I am home, but I am not allowed to sleep anymore then 6 hours a day or every two days because she sometimes has a bad time with our son.
> 
> ...


My friend, you have just stumbled onto one of the great questions of our age. On a par with others like, “What is the meaning of life?”, and, “Why do birds fly?”. 

My first advice is to simply follow the married guy creed and shut up and take it like the rest of us.

But on a more practical note, communication is the key to marital bliss (ok, that and apologizing when you don’t mean it or have to). Tell her it’s demeaning, only hurting the situation and makes her look less sexy to you and if she will reason more and hammer less things would be a lot better.

And if that doesn’t work, just learn to like quiche and green tea and suck it up, cowboy.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> ...
> 
> My first advice is to simply follow the married guy creed and shut up and take it like the rest of us....
> 
> ...


Fawk that! 

No, don't do that...don't suck it up. Women don't respect men who don't respect themselves. You guys need to talk it out, she can't keep blaming and running away. MC may be the next step.

Address the issues head on. Don't fake your way through marriage.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Fawk that!
> 
> No, don't do that...don't suck it up. Women don't respect men who don't respect themselves. You guys need to talk it out, she can't keep blaming and running away. MC may be the next step.
> 
> Address the issues head on. Don't fake your way through marriage.


Slap her around while you're at it... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............. Bare your fangs............ Just be careful you know you can actually take her in a fight.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Slap her around while you're at it... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............. Bare your fangs............ Just be careful you know you can actually take her in a fight.


LOL...k, now I KNOW you're joking!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tulsy said:


> LOL...k, now I KNOW you're joking!


Yeah, I was.

Actually, I agree with you. A mistake I made in my first marriage was to walk on eggshells now and then when she was on the war path. In my second marriage, no more of that stuff. If we need to air something out, I make it a point to do so. Nothing lingers, and we can get over it quicker. I think we both prefer it that way.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

I know this is a guy thread but as a woman I'll give you my perspective if that's ok.

Simply put, she needs to be responsible for herself (as should you) and you should not accept it when she tries to blame you or stand by and take that kind of treatment. 

The only advice I could give is that the next time she tries to blame it on you via her words or actions or giving you the attitude, simply tell her it's unacceptable and if she chooses to blame you/be pissed off/whatever, that you're not going to deal with it and simply walk away for the moment. 

Don't lose your cool, don't be mean or disrespectful or retaliate in any way, simply go do whatever it is you need to do at the time and let it go. 

After a while (could be 10 minutes or an hour whatever), if YOU need to speak to her about something else, simply go about it as if you weren't effected by the previous episode. You don't have to wait for her to make the next move.

IF/when she comes back around later for something else (before you need to communicate with her), respond as if it didn't exist.

Hopefully, once she realizes that you will not tolerate it she will stop doing it. I am having the same issue with H and this approach has been helpful and the issues are not lingering anymore. Good luck.


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Yeah, I was.
> 
> Actually, I agree with you. A mistake I made in my first marriage was to walk on eggshells now and then when she was on the war path. In my second marriage, no more of that stuff. If we need to air something out, I make it a point to do so. Nothing lingers, and we can get over it quicker. I think we both prefer it that way.


I am going to go through this path. I brought up her crap from last night and still tried to blow it off. Nope, still kept at it until she stopped. I've told her before, I married a woman, not a drill sargent. 



bailingout said:


> I know this is a guy thread but as a woman I'll give you my perspective if that's ok.
> 
> Simply put, she needs to be responsible for herself (as should you) and you should not accept it when she tries to blame you or stand by and take that kind of treatment.
> 
> ...


All input is welcome, man and woman. I just posted it here because I thought this was where I was suppose to go :scratchhead:

Telling her it's unacceptable does not work. She will just use some example of where I screwed up, strawman argument, and use that against me. Don't lose my cool? That is what she wants. She wants to get into a yelling match until she wins. 

I yelled at her two times in our 5 years. Once because I was at the breaking point of crying, which I did end up doing. The other time was when my son received his first immunization shot. He was sore and crying. I wanted to go home but she just pushed on going on on wanting to go out and giving him something to help with the pain. Finally after all the crying and giving him something, let's just go home, she says. I lost it and called her a coward for not doing this in the first place. 

I don't have any friends to talk to about these problems and how to deal with them. My parents might as well be the Brady bunch on talking to them about marriage problems.

Thank you guys and gals. :smthumbup:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your wife doesn't respect you. People don't scream at people they respect. You need to earn her respect. Ironically, part of doing that is to stop letting her scream at you. Once you stop letting her scream at you, she will not feel the need to scream at you anymore.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP). Much of the website is focused on sex. But, the path to sex is being attractive to your wife and having her respect and desire you. So, the end result is less yelling and more sex. Hooray!

Good luck.


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

Maybe. But after two years my wife told me she hated how much sex we were having when we were dating because she was sore down there.  Why would she want


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Your description is that of one so many here, the end of communication, intimacy and finally the marriage.

But your relation has already ended now...

You need a new life design. Badly.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

wanttofix said:


> Maybe. But after two years my wife told me she hated how much sex we were having when we were dating because she was sore down there.  Why would she want


Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe she's not. But women will lie about the past in order to make themselves look better. Even if only to themselves. For example, if your wife refuses to have sex with her husband because she is a domineering b!tch who doesn't respect the man she recently pledged her life to, then she doesn't come off very well. Even her girlfriends will tell her that she should be nicer.

However, if she gets sore, well who can blame her for denying you? She has a legitimate, medical reason for being frigid. So, that becomes the story.

There are two kinds of communication. Verbal, and non-verbal. Stop listening to the verbal communication. It's unreliable. Non-verbal communication is much more reliable. If you do something and get a positive result, even if your wife has never requested it, or even told you not to do it, then do it again. Pay attention to the way she responds to you.

Good luck.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

wanttofix said:


> Telling her it's unacceptable does not work. She will just use some example of where I screwed up, strawman argument, and use that against me. Don't lose my cool? That is what she wants. She wants to get into a yelling match until she wins.


I agree just telling them will not work. There has to be consequences, if the consequence EFFECT HER, meaning that SHE doesn't like the consequence, she will likely stop it herself.

Here are a few scenarios...

In this example, H is never ready to leave when i want to leave. I cannot even begin to explain what this is about so I'll skip to how I deal with it by imposing a consequence. 

If I communicate IN ADVANCE, what time I want to leave for a particular event (school performance, meeting someone for dinner etc) and he is not ready, I leave at the specified time with or without him. If he wants to go with us, he will be ready. If not, he can drive himself. So far I've left him twice. The first time, when I defined the consequence (he tested me) and the 2nd time when he started to revert back to the old behavior. It has gotten much better and at times he is proactively asking me what time I am leaving for something so he can plan accordingly. This is a HUGE step in the right direction.

I have consequences in place for the following behaviors, if he tries to change the subject to something I have done in the past (you indicated your wife does this), if he refuses to discuss something by walking away, if he refuses to answer a simple question, if he raises his voice or starts throwing out insults/degrading comments..stuff like that...a fine. Yes, a monetary fine. It's been over a month and my fine jar has sits untouched and he has not mentioned it even though he sees it on my desk everyday. Communication has improved significantly, in a respectful way. We still have a long way to go....but I am pleased with the progress so far.

Good luck.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Try sharing the book "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner with her. The book is all about owning your own feelings. 

For instance if someone cuts me off in traffic I can get angry or I can let it go. Which one I choose is up to me. It's honest to say I feel angry at that person in response to them cutting me off however I have to own that.

Your wife is in the same boat. She may feel a certain way in response to certain things you do but you don't 'make' her feel that way. 

The book goes on to say when people express themselves in this way they're more likely to have production discussions to get at root causes as opposed to a pattern of attacking each other and defending yourselves.

It's worth a try.


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