# Marriage problems capped off with an EA: now I'm here. Any advice?



## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Hello – I’m graduating to the separating and divorcing forum. Yay for me? Here are some links to the background of the situation: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31895-help-ea-verge-separation.html#post428642 http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...some-advice-proceeding-needed.html#post429900 and http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ail-address-om-should-i-email.html#post430765

So after one last big fight, for the time being, I see no reason to fight anymore. Time to let DS go. Over the past few months we’ve gone through the roller coaster of emotions starting with the “I love you, but not in love with you …” speech, the discovery of an EA, trickle truth about the EA, a rewriting of our marital history, she wants to be friends, and on and on and on. So pretty much with DS I now get: she wants out of the marriage for herself, the EA did not end our marriage – it was already over when it started, she was done with the marriage at the beginning of the year (nice of her to have told me), she is not in love with me, and she is not in love with me. My position is that the EA (contact is continuing) has polluted the waters of our marriage and prevented any chance of R, she is not interested in R because she is still in love with OM, doesn’t recognize she is stuck in the EA fog, and she is so focused on the past in our marriage that she cannot envision any sort of future for us. I truly understand that I screwed up a lot on our marriage (like a lot of men) by not giving wife all the love, attention, and respect she deserved. We went through a lot together, both contributed to creating a marriage that was not the best it could be, and we became unhappy. I get that , own that, and wanted to fix it. But I recognize she is too far gone for anything to work right now. She moves in less than two weeks and both agree we all need space. But I this point I don’t trust her. And I’m no longer in love with the person she has become. 

So what to do? Do I just move on and don’t look back? Should I cut off most contact and just communicate about the kids and separation details? Should I just recognize its all over and be nice and be a friend? The problem I have with being friends right now is that we keep getting in fights and she has been getting into a bit of “cake eating”. She tells me that I have not been emotionally there for me, I don’t listen thus she wants out of the marriage. Yet she has been coming to be with all of these problems lately to vent. I finally told her that she just needs to stop – she made it clear I wasn’t going to be that person for her anymore. And I don’t want to be the second option for OM when he’s not available to chat online. What a mess.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

You need to let her go and focus on yourself right now. There is no point working on a marriage when there is more than two people involved. Read up on the 180 and do it for you. Limiting contact now to just things you have to deal with is appropriate. Don't be friends (you don't have to be mean) as you both need time to heal emotionally. In time, you may reconnect as friends but give her space until you pick a direction. It's hard to do but allowing cake eating will only hurt you right now.

Sorry it has come to this. Focus on improving you and figuring out what you want. You may be surprised how you progress when limbo ends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Sod said:


> You need to let her go and focus on yourself right now. There is no point working on a marriage when there is more than two people involved. Read up on the 180 and do it for you. Limiting contact now to just things you have to deal with is appropriate. Don't be friends (you don't have to be mean) as you both need time to heal emotionally. In time, you may reconnect as friends but give her space until you pick a direction. It's hard to do but allowing cake eating will only hurt you right now.
> 
> Sorry it has come to this. Focus on improving you and figuring out what you want. You may be surprised how you progress when limbo ends
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks - that's what I needed to hear and I know that's what I need to do. Just much easier said than done! I do feel fortunate that I'm staying in the house we rent and will have 50/50 custody. While I'm losing a partner, I'm fortunate that much of my life will remain the same.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

One bit of advice. Take it slow and don't make any life altering rash decisions. Absolutely limit contact but useyour time for you. Have some fun, start or rekindle a hobby you enjoy. Focus on self improvement and keep busy. It's amazing the effect of all that and the benefit you get is priceless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear that you are joining us here. You have a long road ahead of you but keep your head up and know that you will come out on the other end. Has she moved out? And definately do as SOD has and focus on yourself and the kids and I would be pushing for a divorce if she is that done with the marriage whether in a fog or not do you really want a person that is that quick and easy to leave you?

Glad to hear you get to keep 50/50 with the kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What you do is you file for divorce and have her served and stipulate what you want in the divorce and w/ regards to custody.

Make arrangements to move on with your life. Don't be her "friend." Don't reward her bad behavior by helping her out with things. She chose and continues to choose her affair over your marriage. That says it all. Make a surgical cut from her and move on with your life. Don't live in the past. Move forward.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What you do is you file for divorce and have her served and stipulate waht you want in the divorce and w/ retgards to custody.
> 
> Make arrangements to move on with your life. Don't be her "friend." Don't reward her bad behavior by helping her out with things. She chose and continues to choose her affair over your marriage. That says it all. Make a surgical cut from her and move on with your life. Don't live in the past. Move forward.


:iagree:


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What you do is you file for divorce and have her served and stipulate what you want in the divorce and w/ regards to custody.
> 
> Make arrangements to move on with your life. Don't be her "friend." Don't reward her bad behavior by helping her out with things. She chose and continues to choose her affair over your marriage. That says it all. Make a surgical cut from her and move on with your life. Don't live in the past. Move forward.


Thanks...I finally emailed OM. A professional yet deep email. I don't care anymore - pretty much a final eff u.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did you say?


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What did you say?


Don't want to fully say just in case I'm found out. It was pretty neutral but firm statement.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

now really dig and let his wife know asap


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> now really dig and let his wife know asap


I may give it a shot but my heart is not in it anymore. My continued investment in our "marriage" is eating me alive. I don't want to R with a DS who is lying and deceptive and does not love me. I can do better - she does not deserve me anymore.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Ishe does not deserve me anymore.


:iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

...and the OMW deserves better too, I know it sucks you're basically the only one who can inform her but it really is a great service to provide for her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your the kind of guy that would but his arm out for a complete stranger in preventing them from stepping out into the street and get hit by a car, then you are the kind of guy that will prevent this train from hitting OMW.

If it was you you would want to know.

Its one of those things that ...well its the right thing to do.

This has nothing to do with your STBXW but helping out a complete stranger that is getting ripped off.

Find and expose the A to OMW!


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

the guy said:


> If your the kind of guy that would but his arm out for a complete stranger in preventing them from stepping out into the street and get hit by a car, then you are the kind of guy that will prevent this train from hitting OMW.
> 
> If it was you you would want to know.
> 
> ...


Curious though how it would help since OM and OMW have already filed for divorce? I have discovered this to be true.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Curious though how it would help since OM and OMW have already filed for divorce? I have discovered this to be true.


If she dont have proof of a affair and they are not legally separated it could give her some leverage in the divorce and likewise you might find out a thing or two that can help you down the road.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Counting the days down until separation. I'm looking forward to a new life and beginning, but feeling very melancholy today. DS is being irritatingly chipper and nice. I need to up my game for tomorrow and get in a better game. 

The challenge of all of this is the simple rejection of an EA. The fact that DS and EA email sweet nothings to each other. Makes me angry and want to puke all at the same time. I'm sure I'm felling blah today because I'm starting to go dark. DS is losing me as both a husband and a friend. The way she has treated and lied to me is no way to treat a friend. I'm also not going to be plan B for her and let her cake eat. I'm done. Let's hope for a better tomorrow.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> The way she has treated and lied to me is no way to treat a friend. I'm also not going to be plan B for her and let her cake eat. I'm done. Let's hope for a better tomorrow.


I'm not a big supporter of the "sure, let's be friends" idea unless it's you doing the dumping, and it's clearly insincere and just a nicety.

You can be friendly (if you have kids and such), but let's be honest, if you get divorced, you aren't going to be friends.

When my wife and I were separated, I actually told her, "Look, I have to be honest, we're probably not going to be friends... because I cannot imagine for the life of me dating a woman who thinks it's OK for me to be friends with my ex-wife. Sorry, but it probably isn't going to happen".


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> I'm not a big supporter of the "sure, let's be friends" idea unless it's you doing the dumping, and it's clearly insincere and just a nicety.
> 
> You can be friendly (if you have kids and such), but let's be honest, if you get divorced, you aren't going to be friends.
> 
> When my wife and I were separated, I actually told her, "Look, I have to be honest, we're probably not going to be friends... because I cannot imagine for the life of me dating a woman who thinks it's OK for me to be friends with my ex-wife. Sorry, but it probably isn't going to happen".


Great thought....never thought about the future of how a friendship could be perceived. Right now that is not an issue because I cannot imagine being friends with her - the lies, deception, and hurt have piled too high. And out of principle I'm not going to be relegated to "friends" status because she wants to keep up her EA. We will be the co-parents of our children, communicate as needed, and no more.


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## Anewlife (Sep 15, 2011)

Your story mirrors mine....lousy marriage ended by EA. Stop all contact NOW!!! Hit the gym. Be cordial regarding kids. An EA is worse (and will soon be) a PA. She's opened her heart, mind and soul to another man. You have some real tough times ahead of you. Keep your head up and focus on YOU. I was tormented and unable to sleep for 2 months. But I realized I was unhappy in my marriage. Lack of hygene, eating grabage, weighing 250 lbs, in a pig sty of a house. My home is spotless, I am 215lbs today, back to school, in gym every day. Sure I am terribly lonely but, man....take care of YOURSELF...when you start seeing results, the pain goes away. Stay busy, lean on friends and family. She checked out emotionally on you MONTHS before this EA. Think back....no pictures....no nagging....always an excuse to be with friends and family. She's detached. Detached for some time. She is OVER it and living HER life. You need to live YOURS!!!!!!


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Anewlife said:


> Your story mirrors mine....lousy marriage ended by EA. Stop all contact NOW!!! Hit the gym. Be cordial regarding kids. An EA is worse (and will soon be) a PA. She's opened her heart, mind and soul to another man. You have some real tough times ahead of you. Keep your head up and focus on YOU. I was tormented and unable to sleep for 2 months. But I realized I was unhappy in my marriage. Lack of hygene, eating grabage, weighing 250 lbs, in a pig sty of a house. My home is spotless, I am 215lbs today, back to school, in gym every day. Sure I am terribly lonely but, man....take care of YOURSELF...when you start seeing results, the pain goes away. Stay busy, lean on friends and family. She checked out emotionally on you MONTHS before this EA. Think back....no pictures....no nagging....always an excuse to be with friends and family. She's detached. Detached for some time. She is OVER it and living HER life. You need to live YOURS!!!!!!


Sorry we are in the same boat, but at least you are making progress. It's been about two months for D-Day with our marriage about over a month now since I discovered the EA. DS went to work for the first time in years today and hopefully will be moving out in less than two weeks. 

I have been taking great care of myself. I have been staying active, eating well and have dropped nearly 10 pounds and have visibly been building muscle mass. Unfortunately sleep has been elusive, but I refuse to go down the road of taking sleeping pills. Meanwhile, DS has continued to keep her nose in her laptop or smartphone, eats fast food about 5 days a week, and her idea of getting active is running an errand in the car. 

The road ahead will be challenging for sure and I'm sure it will still be a roller coaster, but I'm starting to focus on the positives of being able to build a new life and being able to do a lot of cool stuff with the kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

D-
In my annyoligy, the stranger my have seen the car coming and stopped before getting hurt, in your case your simply offering help to a complete stranger that is in the same boat.
If OMW wants it or not it is a simply an offer to help with evidence, exchange information and time lines, and maybe just a support of someone going through the samething.

At the very least it my help the OMW and you to fill in some of the blanks that the both of you have.

Again it is an offer, the OMW has the choice to except or not.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

the guy said:


> D-
> In my annyoligy, the stranger my have seen the car coming and stopped before getting hurt, in your case your simply offering help to a complete stranger that is in the same boat.
> If OMW wants it or not it is a simply an offer to help with evidence, exchange information and time lines, and maybe just a support of someone going through the samething.
> 
> ...


After we separate our finances very soon I may spend some time trying to track down the contact information for OMW. I agree that she is probably not the crazed woman my wife would talk about. Of course this was how she heard it from OM. I'm sire DS painted me to be the most unemotional, uncaring, and unloving husband ever.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

I just returned from my IC and he had an unusual take on things. He's big into the heart vs. the head solving problems. The separation, distancing myself, the 180, etc. are all examples of my head trying to solve our problems. But then the times I sit and talk w/ DS and listen, care, etc. the IC says she is responding to me and probably being drawn back my way, but then her defense mechanisms kick in and she pushes me away. What he was getting to is that DS is probably just as freaked out, hurt, and confused, but OM continues to remain her comfort zone. The IC said I could try to strike a balance of at least showing my care for the kids - it may draw her back in. But her issue is that she is so stuck in the past and what did not work, so just keeps retreating to OM again. I told IC I was concerned about cake eating and admitted it was a huge issue - I'm tired of getting burned by holding out any hope. So then we ran out of time. So confusing!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, I agree that she is a person, and she is confused, and that she probably is a little sad too, and that's why I always maintain that you 'lovingly detatch'.

No need to be nasty, or mean even though it's easier to be angry than it is to be a schmuck. 

She wants to have an affair, but your boundary is "I will not live in an open relationship".

That's a matter of principal.

If she wants OM, she can have him. But she cannot have you, and you will not live with her because that's just not good enough for you.

Don't be nasty, and don't be a schmuck. If she wants to have an EA wish her luck and help her pack.

Think back to when you were dating. I know you must have asked women out and got shot down, but it didn't bother you much, right?

She's not acting like your wife right now. Might as well be a woman you just met. Don't get your hopes up, but don't be nasty.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Well, I agree that she is a person, and she is confused, and that she probably is a little sad too, and that's why I always maintain that you 'lovingly detatch'.


Thanks - this really spoke to me. It might help to strike a better balance in how I present myself. Right now I'm very closed off and she can sense the anger- but detached is a great way of putting it. Her response to my detachment has been that she is nice and civil. Being an angry jerk has not helped. With just a small adjustment I may be able to "lovingly detach".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> After we separate our finances very soon I may spend some time trying to track down the contact information for OMW. I agree that she is probably not the crazed woman my wife would talk about.


Imagine that.  LOL. 

The OM/OW always paint their spouse as the Worst Person In the World. That's part of the Script, too.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Imagine that.  LOL.
> 
> The OM/OW always paint their spouse as the Worst Person In the World. That's part of the Script, too.


Over the weekend I emailed her a story about the Script and how cheaters re-write marriage history to justify their EA/PA. She got pi$$ed and wouldn't talk to me about. Wow she was fuming about it - must have hit close to home for her!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't even bother emailing her stuff, DSSM. Don't talk to her about it. Go dark on her. Be cool. Treat her the way you would a colleague at work: cool and unemotional. 

The fact is she refuses to end it with the OM. Don't send her literature on affairs or try to be her friend or reward her bad behavior or engage her on subjects she is still sputtering and spewing over. Her head is nowhere in the right frame of mind. Save your breath for someone else.

She made her choice. Move forward without her.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Yep, so long as that EA stuff is going on (and she may hide it, so until she is either out and back asking you out on dates or begging you to reconsider), be all charm, smiles and business, and as the bartender says at closing time, "I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here".


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't even bother emailing her stuff, DSSM. Don't talk to her about it. Go dark on her. Be cool. Treat her the way you would a colleague at work: cool and unemotional.
> 
> The fact is she refuses to end it with the OM. Don't send her literature on affairs or try to be her friend or reward her bad behavior or engage her on subjects she is still sputtering and spewing over. Her head is nowhere in the right frame of mind. Save your breath for someone else.
> 
> She made her choice. Move forward without her.


Yup...that is what I am doing now. This past weekend was hopefully my "last hurrah" as far as thinking I had any chance while she is in her current condition. She has burned me one too many times.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi there..........its been very interesting reading your posts, as it is very similar to my position nearly 2 years ago now.

My STBX said lets stay friends, I would like to think I could call you up and take you for lunch..........not a chance!!!!!

I would not put up with a H who lied, cheated and thought it was acceptable to have an EA after 25 years together, so why on earth would I want him as a friend................if one of my friends did that to me they would be kicked to the kerb!!! 

I keep my distance, I am never nasty, but I remain cool towards him. And this is for my benefit. I dont care what is best for him anymore.............he lost that right.

Keep strong, sounds like you are doing ok x


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

mumof2 said:


> Hi there..........its been very interesting reading your posts, as it is very similar to my position nearly 2 years ago now.
> 
> My STBX said lets stay friends, I would like to think I could call you up and take you for lunch..........not a chance!!!!!
> 
> ...


That's exactly how I feel. It is so blatantly disrespectful to the other spouse - especially when they give the whole "I'm sorry, I screwed up speech" and then continue the EA!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> That's exactly how I feel. It is so blatantly disrespectful to the other spouse - especially when they give the whole "I'm sorry, I screwed up speech" and then continue the EA!



So... if you must respond, turn it aroud and say something like, "I can't for the life of me imagine the next woman I am serious with saying 'Honey, let's invite your ex-wife over for dinner', so I think we can rule out 'being friends' as a realistic possiblilty, but... I know what you mean <wink> <smile>".

Or if you are just done (and not just feeling done right this second), then you will be the one giving the "let's be friends"/"ciao baby" speech.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> So... if you must respond, turn it aroud and say something like, "I can't for the life of me imagine the next woman I am serious with saying 'Honey, let's invite your ex-wife over for dinner', so I think we can rule out 'being friends' as a realistic possiblilty, but... I know what you mean <wink> <smile>".
> 
> Or if you are just done (and not just feeling done right this second), then you will be the one giving the "let's be friends"/"ciao baby" speech.


:iagree::iagree:


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

This morning I sent DS a "just let her go" email. Waiting to see how she responds. I doubt she will since she is so backed into a corner and she's so stubborn she won't step off her ledge. She is still so deep in the fog that she cannot see straight. The only issue she is pretty clear about is that I want nothing to do with her anymore.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

You cant worry about her response. Hopefully you were sincere in your attempt in sending that email and you meant the words about letting her go. If that is the case, then her response doesnt really matter. You can only focus on what you can control and that is YOU! Now its your time and you are free to begin the healing and improvement process unencumbered by your DS. Good luck!


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Sod said:


> You cant worry about her response. Hopefully you were sincere in your attempt in sending that email and you meant the words about letting her go. If that is the case, then her response doesnt really matter. You can only focus on what you can control and that is YOU! Now its your time and you are free to begin the healing and improvement process unencumbered by your DS. Good luck!


Thank you. I came to terms with this after seeing my IC yesterday and getting out that there is so much out of my control in the relationship with my DS. So I need to just focus on the things I can control. Sure I'm sad and I know the journey will not be easy, but I need to do it. I just need to pray for strength and carry on. Focus on myself, the kids, and getting by day by day.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Taking some control is THE best feeling..........I let H walk all over me whilst he insisted he wanted to make our marriage work, all the while carrying on his EA!!!
So the day I said ......you need to go.......he nearly choked. Said I wouldn't be able to manage without him, red rag to a bull!!!

So here I am....a little wiser and bruised by the experience.

I am nearly divorced, house is sold, but I am still alive and kicking.

There is no denying its the toughest thing I have ever done...........but chin up, you will do it. x


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Oh and I have to say this before I forget......(Im on a roll here!!! lol)

The reason she wants to stay friends is for HER benefit , not yours!!! It will make HER feel better, not you.........so for your sake, dont go there xx


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

mumof2 said:


> Oh and I have to say this before I forget......(Im on a roll here!!! lol)
> 
> The reason she wants to stay friends is for HER benefit , not yours!!! It will make HER feel better, not you.........so for your sake, dont go there xx


You are very correct. When we had our pre-EA discovery D-Day (the ILYBNILWY speech), she tried to feed me the line that we make better friends than spouses. I started to fall for it. I was in such shell shock that I at first agreed. Maybe she was right, but aren't spouses supposed to be great friends too? But of course for DS, the missing ingredient was the "in love" stuff which by that time she was getting from OM. She wanted to be my friends because she was still planning on getting certain needs met by me that OM could not provide. I think she still wants that and that's why I'm drawing the line. If I let it, we could be great friends - but then she feels like we get close again and I get mixed signals and she puts up the defenses. 

Cheating spouses are a very peculiar animal to figure out.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Trust me........I fell for it for a while. I thought it would be ok, but it wasn't. I felt he was taking advantage of me as I was emotionally vulnerable. At the time I was desperate for our marriage to survive and he knew that! It was almost cruel. 

It couldn't happen. Why should I give him comfort and support when he had an EA after 25 years.........what a kick in the teeth!!

You deserve better......x


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> . She wanted to be my friends because she was still planning on getting certain needs met by me that OM could not provide. I think she still wants that and that's why I'm drawing the line. If I let it, we could be great friends - but then she feels like we get close again and I get mixed signals and she puts up the defenses.
> 
> Cheating spouses are a very peculiar animal to figure out.


Eh. Cheating spouses are not that hard to figure out. They want to best of both worlds. They get mad when you put your hands up and say "No more." They want to sit on the fence and throw a hissy fit when you move the fence for them, calling them to make a decision and letting them know what your decision is in the interim.

As for being "friends..." Would a friend treat you the way your wife is? Would a friend waffle on whether they knew they wanted to maintain said friendship with you or not? You can't be "friends" with someone who is straight up lying to you and cheating on you and treating you like second best. 

No way, mon! 

Carry on DSSM.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> As for being "friends..." Would a friend treat you the way your wife is?


That "friends" stuff is either an attempt to be nice and not be the "bad guy" or part of some fantasy that you will be around as a backup plan.

Either way it's not good. Might as well stand up to that one when it rears its ugly head. 

"Sorry, we're not going to be buddies because I can't imagine the next woman I am dating asking if we can ask you to come along on our vacation".

At least it's clear you have a little practical wisdom then


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Huge update.....not sure where to start. I contacted OMW and discovered that OM already had an EA with my wife's sister! And DS knows about it! WTF? Am I nuts or is this surreal? So I have been in contact with OMW and she discovered that DS and I'M has set up new and secret email accounts....I assume to go further underground. Also DS and OM announced their intentions to leave their Marriages within 7 days if each other. This us so deep it makes my head spin. Also, OM is angry with OMW because we are talking. And he is angry that OMW emailed DS. DS is acting like she doesn't care I'm talking with OMW. Again....WTF? Just when I thought it couldn't get worse! This does strengthen my resolve that I'm done with DS. I don't know this person she has become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Dump her. Dump her hard. Make her head spin. She doesn't deserve you and family. Put her s*it on the lawn and change the locks.

Man up - do a 180 for yourself. She's never going to recover unless she has to live life on her own without your support. Hold her to half of all financial commitments until you D.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Sorry for all the typos...in my phone. I am manning up and am kicking her out. I am so disgusted that my head is spinning. I cannot even think straight. But for the first time I really feel at peace with leaving her. This was a gift to me to make me realize I can move on. I can do without her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

And she has 4 more days in the house....can I boot her out early? She us out if town right now and don't want her to come home when I return. How can I do it? Is it legal? No papers have been filed yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Don't know (I'm not a lawyer) and I don't think I would care in your situation. what is she gonna do about it? When she returns, her stuff should be garbage bagged on the front lawn with the locks changed.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Right now I just need to catch my breath and take a step back from the edge. This is like d day all over again.....except I'm not begging for my wife back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

So with the help of OMW plans were discovered where DS and OM were going to meet for the weekend at a hotel. Plans were cancelled last week so we are trying to figure out if alternate plans were made.
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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> So with the help of OMW plans were discovered where DS and OM were going to meet for the weekend at a hotel. Plans were cancelled last week so we are trying to figure out if alternate plans were made.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What difference does it make if you are dumping her like a bad habbit?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cut off her money, dump her crap out on the steer. Don't worry about it being, ok. Cheating like she has been isn't ok, and it didn't stop her for one minute. Do everything you can to disrupt her lifestyle.
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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I take it you are no longer contemplating staying friends

Seriously......she has lost all right to your friendship, your trust.......everything. Its sad ,but there is usually an incident that leaves you thinking WTF!!! But its also this that gives you the strength to take the next step. 

Take care x


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

mumof2 said:


> I take it you are no longer contemplating staying friends
> 
> Seriously......she has lost all right to your friendship, your trust.......everything. Its sad ,but there is usually an incident that leaves you thinking WTF!!! But its also this that gives you the strength to take the next step.
> 
> Take care x


Lawyer appointment is tomorrow and I'm going to file. I have no trust in her at all. Anything that was left between us is now gone. And yes.....I don't want friendship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

As hard as it will be...........it has to be done. 

It does get easier.........I am at my lawyer tomorrow to pick over his financial stuff. Its gonna be hard, but I have to do it for me and the kids now. 

Chip up x


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Lawyer appointment is tomorrow and I'm going to file.


Might as well meet the lawyer and start the paperwork. The best time to strike a deal is when somebody is bent on running away.



DSSM9500 said:


> I have no trust in her at all. Anything that was left between us is now gone. And yes.....I don't want friendship.


You still sound a bit raw here, and that's understandable.

There are a lot of people I have no deep trust in ... including everybody I don't know very well.

As for everything between you... well, that stuff happened too, and I am sure it meant something at the time, but... the important thing is that she is chasing some other man, and you shouldn't have to settle for that.

You're doing what you have to do if she's going to chase a man who isn't you. She should be chasing you sometimes if things are going to work. This just doesn't work is all.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

A quick update. Wife came home early from her trip and apologized for hurting me and all the things she has done, and realizied the EA has been a wrecking ball in our lives - but she is still in love with OM though he is a serial cheater and DS is just one more woman to him. I discovered they did have plans to turn the EA into a PA but they were cancelled. DS also had a disposable phone she was using to call OM. In my eye she is a lost cause. OM is still a wall between us and for our marriage DS is still living in the past and sees that our marriage would be no different in the future. 

Tomorrow she gets the keys for her new apartment. I told her that she is making a decision that will affect the rest of her life while still in the fog. Once she moves out I will not go back to her. I have manned up and am no longer willing to hang around as plan B. I'm taking control. Papers are being drawn up this week and she will be served once she moves out.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I can tell from what you've written that you are going to be just fine. You need to kick into survivor mode and move forward. No need to be her friend just yet, and absolutely don't be there for her emotionally. Keep it businesslike and detach. Focus on YOU. Go meet some new friends, reconnect with old ones, start new hobbies, etc. The other side of the tunnel is FANTASTIC! Start your journey there now. And take care of the divorce yourself. Once you are mentally there it all gets easier!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

thumbs up DSSM9500!

Keep it up! I suspect her realization was potentially meant to keep the consequences from coming so fast. Either way, stay the course and full speed ahead!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DSSM9500 said:


> Tomorrow she gets the keys for her new apartment. I told her that she is making a decision that will affect the rest of her life while still in the fog. Once she moves out I will not go back to her. I have manned up and am no longer willing to hang around as plan B. I'm taking control. Papers are being drawn up this week and she will be served once she moves out.


Fog, schmog. She's not in a fog. She's in lust with another man. Sure, it seems crazy to you, but that's because you aren't in lust with the guy.

Arguing with somebody who is thinking mostly about *right now this very second* about the possible ramifications of their choices is pointless.

Lovingly let her go. Help her pack even. Be happy she isn't hanging around and gaslighting you all the time while she chases this guy because that's much, much worse.


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