# Married Into Lies



## Mrs. S (Nov 10, 2007)

Well, I'm not sure where to begin. I've never joined a forum before, especially to discuss my personal life. But, I feel I'm completely out of options, so any response would be greatly appreciated.
I was recently married in June to the man I've been dating for almost five years. During those years, in my opinion, he has done everything possible to be considered a lying cheat by most of my family and friends, and even some of his! By everything I mean cheating, lying about everything (small and big) including money, locations, people he's in contact with, work schedules, ect. Although in previous relationships I was had strict standards and never tolerated any nonsense, with him I'm always forgiving and absorbing of his excuses. And let me tell you, every time I subside to him, I loose a sense of strength and self-esteem. I'm more angry with myself for forgiving him than I would be for leaving him. A large part of me is scared that I won't find anyone who understands or can tolerate me the way he can, but how LAME is that. I wish I could be strong enough to leave or that he would at least go back to being my best friend, if he ever was at all.
My main concern right now is that, even though were married now, nothing has changed. There are still secret phone calls, hidden messages, hidden actions and who knows what else. He calls me a "psycho", and in some respects I am. But I've mastered the fine art of relationship detective, he's turned me into a snooper, and have caught all of his mistakes. We discuss them, I tell him how they make me feel, he apologizes and says it won't happen again, two weeks later the cycle begins again.
One day I'm seriously going to loose it! My patience is worn beyond thin. But......... I love him, through all of his faults, my question is..... is it worth killing the person I am to do it.
If anyone would like to comment it would be greatly appreciated, negative or positive. I really just need an outside opinion and some advise.
Thanks a bunch


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First I want to say I hope it was metaphoric on the kill him part. Nothing equals violence except protecting yourself or children from physical harm.

Second he is a lying to you and always will. Can you really live your life like this? What happens if children get invovled?

Third, No matter if you see it or not he is verbally abusing you. It is a form of control.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here is an interesting piece on verbal abuse that may help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/360-verbal-abuse-thesis.html

I do not know if counciling will help. He can always lie to them to. Must abusive (including verbally) people show a different side publicly. He seems to be chrismatic enough to pull it off.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

I am not sure what prompted you to marry him but, contrary to what many might say here, there's no reason for you to stay one moment longer.

Get your divorce so that you can work on restoring your sense of self determination and find a guy who will treat you humanely.


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## fire_vogel (Oct 29, 2007)

what i've learnt from personal experience... and of which i've been reminded when reading your post...:

when we're with someone, who 'understands' us, or 'loves' us, and 'cares' for us, to an extent greater than the last person we were with or simply to an extent that we feel we want and need truly... we get attached, and the attachment grows... and if the need to PART occurs, we don't even want to consider it because the attachment has reached a sort of fake point of no-return, it's just psychological, but we feel that if we detach ourselves from this person, we'll fall apart, our lives will fall apart and we'll be left with nothing, reduced to nothingness.

so, this FEAR makes us deal with all the crap this person might throw at us. ALL THE CRAP, ALL OF IT, we deal with it, take it in our stride, scream yell shout cry... keep quiet. but we deal with it.. or just bear it, tolerate it.

all because we think we won't be able to do better than this person, all because we think we won't be able to find better, all because we think that we don't DESERVE better than this.

BUT WE DO.

WE DO DESERVE BETTER.

we just have to learn to accept that and internalise that... and move on from there.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

fire_vogel ~ Well said Kudos!

draconis


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## Mumofthree (Dec 26, 2007)

Get out now before things get any more complicated (kids).
I've just been through a similar experience with my hubby and found out he's been cheating for over a year!
Don't let him kill your spirit any longer


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I would have to agree that you definently need to got out as soon as you can. He is going to tear you down with him. And once you lose yourself it only makes it harder to leave.


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## miss.kitty (Oct 30, 2007)

I don't think she said she wanted to kill him. She said _is it worth killing the person she is._

I don't have a lot of advice, but I can relate a little. My husband has lied to me before and hidden things as well. Perhaps not as often as yours, but in return it also turned me into a snoop and spy and I am usually upset with myself for it as well. 

It seems that after 5 years, if he is still doing it, even though you have talked to him about it each time, that perhaps he'll never change his ways. 

You deserve to be happy.

What about a temporary separation? To see how that goes? Whatever you decide to do, I hope the best for you.


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## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

Mrs. S said:


> Well, I'm not sure where to begin. I've never joined a forum before, especially to discuss my personal life. But, I feel I'm completely out of options, so any response would be greatly appreciated.
> I was recently married in June to the man I've been dating for almost five years. During those years, in my opinion, he has done everything possible to be considered a lying cheat by most of my family and friends, and even some of his! By everything I mean cheating, lying about everything (small and big) including money, locations, people he's in contact with, work schedules, ect. Although in previous relationships I was had strict standards and never tolerated any nonsense, with him I'm always forgiving and absorbing of his excuses. And let me tell you, every time I subside to him, I loose a sense of strength and self-esteem. I'm more angry with myself for forgiving him than I would be for leaving him. A large part of me is scared that I won't find anyone who understands or can tolerate me the way he can, but how LAME is that. I wish I could be strong enough to leave or that he would at least go back to being my best friend, if he ever was at all.
> My main concern right now is that, even though were married now, nothing has changed. There are still secret phone calls, hidden messages, hidden actions and who knows what else. He calls me a "psycho", and in some respects I am. But I've mastered the fine art of relationship detective, he's turned me into a snooper, and have caught all of his mistakes. We discuss them, I tell him how they make me feel, he apologizes and says it won't happen again, two weeks later the cycle begins again.
> One day I'm seriously going to loose it! My patience is worn beyond thin. But......... I love him, through all of his faults, my question is..... is it worth killing the person I am to do it.
> ...


I was previously married to an alcoholic. He used the word "psycho" a lot. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to love you more than him, and get out. You are very loveable, and you will find someone who you deserve. Get out of there.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Zombie thread.


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