# Need an opinion



## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

I have been on here for months with my story, sorry for the back and forth...
After months of EA wife says she wants a divorce, does not love me and we are different people and we should move on. Her moving on was making EA a PA. I have been so tired of being treated bad. I went to lawyer, she knew and had general papers drawn up. 
Let her know that I thought we could still work things out for kids but it would take time for us to get back. During this process over 2 weeks she looks at homes, tells me she wants out, and is now ready to buy a home all the while still contacting EA. I finally say that if she plans on seeing EA that she will have to move out now. She says she is still going to see him so I asked her to leave.

She sees EA and has sex with him. Now we have a PA. She says it was a mistake and that she was not feeling emotions at home. Now she wants to get back together for kids.

She is still out of house. I have been back and forth for months with this relationship. I told her that if she turns relationship into a PA that I will be forced to serve papers. She has signed them but is pleading not to get a divorce. Lets just get separated.

I just don't think it is fair. I have not kissed another woman let alone had sex with another person.

Anyone have ideas? What would you do.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You're doing correctly and your limit is clear but she kept going over it. 
She's kinda taking advantages of you. 

Probably, she thinks she has a hold on you.

You don't need to compromise because she only cares about herself.
She said she doesn't love you anymore.

Knowing it's wrong and you would disagree with her misbehaviors and knowing you will divorce her; nevertheless, she thought she's hot and sexy for the OM. She took off her pants and opened her legs to welcome his hard cok. Then the OM probably failed to perform well in bed... maybe he jerked off within 5 seconds, which pissed her off and destoryed her dreams & fantasies.

It's pretty much an insult in my opinion. She viewed you as trash to be anyhow dumped in the lowest subway. Now she wanted to come back to pick you up. 

She not only has no love, but also has no respect for you. What she has is her very cheeky face.

If you compromise with her, where is your dignity?

She can't be trusted. I wouldn't want to rekindle/reconcile with her.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

:iagree:
She figures that she can walk all over you and do as she pleases, but you will always take her back on her terms because you love her.
Stand firm.
Make her see that you are done with her crap.
She may really want to reconcile, but not until she suffers a little more.
Don't make this easy for her or you will just be hurt again in the very near future.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Quote: 

She may really want to reconcile, but not until she suffers a little more.

________________________________________________________

LOLOL

I assured you that she is real in doing everything she wants.

When she wanted to fk the OM. She meant it.
When she wanted to dump her husband. She meant it.
When she wanted to separate instead of divorce, she meant it.


She always meant what she said but she also changed her mind pretty often after she found out what would benefit her the most. Then she would change her direction. She's pretty flexible in getting what she wants.

Remember that she doesn't really care about her husband anymore but.... She cares about herself:

After she read and signed the papers, she might just realise that:

If divorce, there're some benefits she might lose but she's not convenient to lose those benefits at this moment... she might need some time to arrange the changes. (What I guessed is the OM was just having fun with her. He wouldn't give her any support except his cok. So she's without a back up for her living expense. She might need to afford everything by herself.)

Usually, it's all about money, depends on what's written on the papers.

Kids & family are just her excuses for reconciliation.

Why?

She already said she doesn't love the husband anymore. 

If not love? What else? Can she fk a man who she doesn't dream of? If not, the reason for not getting divorced is very obvious.

Or she wants to have the benefits that only staying married can offer meanwhile she wants to take a free ride on her husband, her faithful donkey (sorry no offense) in search of the next OM, a new better stud.

Separation doesn't mean reconciliation in her views of life.

She said separation. 

So the husband wouldn't know it when her panties drop and legs open for the OM again. She wouldn't need to report to him.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Well I feel I must make the decision to finalize our marriage. To me separation will just not do it. She still will go out and "do" people, to me not fair. I think that at some point again I will be walked over again because for some reason...I am not good enough in her eyes. I am very fit but have lost some looks since married, she has maintained looks and feels she is very pretty. MLC could also have added to this..idk.
I have done everything for her as best as i can but it was always meant with, "okay, i know have this...I want this to be happy now."
This is how I have felt, I could never do enough to satisfy the financial aspects of the relationship. Which is sad because so many people, including myself, would be very happy with everything we have. OM had promised the world and has the means to deliver but travels often.
I am Mr. comfortable, and the one who will take care of her and she knows that.
Sad how love can blind a person.

So sad.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's time to show her that you will be Mr. Uncomfortable.
Men always travels have women everywhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Divorce her and find someone who will treat you right. She wants a separation cause she wants her "cake". She will be doing this other guy while your separated.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Men always travels have women everywhere.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not all of us.
I am away from home more than 6 months a year and my bride is the only girl for me.:smthumbup:


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

After all of this mess, I have the papers signed. Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life! I have many empty days ahead of me. It is so sad sitting in a house by yourself, i mean without another adult. 
The fact is I was demoted in the relationship, such a hard thing to get a grip on.
Feeling very empty right now.


kgregory1011 said:


> Divorce her and find someone who will treat you right. She wants a separation cause she wants her "cake". She will be doing this other guy while your separated.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Why is it so hard to turn in divorce papers? At times I wonder why I feel this way. It's messed up. Then I think of the years together, is a separation better? It all seems like a terrible dream and I just want to wake up. Life altering, idk How can I have this love/hate feeling. 
Is it the kids making me feel this way?
Some friends say end it, others say wait...

Just so hard! 
I am so empty right now.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

Right now it IS going to feel very painful. It's very raw. However, your self-respect, your dignity, are worth it. It will heal. The pain isn't going to stop any time soon, I'm not going to lie to you. And it's going to take ALOT of resolve, but you must stick to your guns. Don't be her doormat. You agree to separation and you'll essentially be bankrolling her while she sleeps with the OM.


And you ARE doing right by your kids. You are showing them that the relationship was NOT healthy. Staying in an unhealthy relationship would only teach them how to have an unhealthly relationship. It would only teach them how to either be treated badly by others or how to treat others badly. You don't want that. 

Now spend your time with your kids... kids have a wonderful ability to help a person heal emotionally without even trying.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Thanks Julia, I appreciate your words! This is just the hardest thing one can ever do.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Well it is now over. I am sitting here at a total loss. Definitely will be seeing a therapist to help talk things out. Very tough on your own. All duties, all yours. I am very empty right now, that is my only description. Years of companionship lost, I can only wish things would have been different but it just did not happen.
Thanks for all the help everyone.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm really sorry. I understand your feelings - I have the same. I'm gathering all the docs to give to my attorney to start the D proceedings. I don't see the benefit of a separation either. I don't want to wait so that he can tell me we need to be divorced so he can marry someone else. Plus, I think that there would be that little glimmer of hope left if things were not totally finalized.

I am in counseling and have been for the last few months. It's been really helpful. You will have these kind of days - empty and lonely, but you also will have glimpses of happiness, especially when the kids are around. It's hard to focus and hard to fathom a future in a life that you never thought would be yours. It's almost like an out of body experience - like the real you is just watching this play out and maybe one day the nightmare will end and life will be as it was. 

Right now, you are going through withdrawal. There was all this drama attached to what was going on and that hope was there. Now, the decision is here to end it. It's a huge let down and you are having a physical and psychological reaction to that. The one thing that has really helped me (I'm far from over this so ...) is the decision to have very minimal contact with him. I only text or email and only when it's about the kids or finances. It's really hard, but the less you speak to her, the less chance she has to hurt you. It's a way to detach yourself from the situation and even though you are feeling bad right now, you can't feel any worse than when you found out what your wife was up to. 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that we all can come out the other side of this happy. I still don't understand this and don't know why it happened. I wish it didn't, but I have no choice in the matter.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

blownaway,
You have hit the nail right on the head. We all have to be going through the exact same feelings, just different stages. It just seems crazy that all of these scenarios are so similar when it comes to affairs that their has to be a way that people would not do that to each other. Idk, just seems crazy that so many people share the same feelings.
Contact with wife(ex) definitely continues the pain inside me more, which turns to anger. Not a good emotion to carry, that is for sure.
I guess I will stay here on the site to help me find some peace through the words of others 
Thanks so much for your encouragement!


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