# Wife distant - Early midlife identity shift?



## jamesjones

Hello,
My wife and I have been together for 13 years, since she was 20 and I was 21. We have two children together and have had a good marriage up until about 6-10 months ago. Our marriage had bumps like all relationships do, but this this situation has an entirely different "feel".

About 1.5 years ago she took a job at the local restaurant/bar for extra money for us. It was to be 2-3 days per week max because we both wanted her around us to be a mother and wife for our young family. She is a good mom and the kids love her very much.

About 6 months ago she began to spend increasingly more and more time at the restaurant with new friends. I am happy that she has friends and I enjoy alone time as I am an introvert, so some of this is a positive thing. At this point she is gone 6 days/nights a week. When she is home she is either exhausted or half asleep until 12 every day which makes for a not so pleasant environment.

Typical week M-F: I wake up at 6, get the girls ready for school, take the oldest to school. Wake her at 8 when I go to work so she can watch the youngest before taking to daycare at 9. I am off and home at 5 and she works 5- ???
Weekend: I still get up at 6 for the girls and she sleeps in until 10 and then lays around until noon on saturday then goes to work at 5. Sunday is similar.

She says that she does not feel wanted at home and knows that she has pulled away. I told her that she is loved and wanted but we cannot show her if she is not present. We have been over this a half of dozen times in the last few months. She said she wants to be all in and wants everything to work. We agreed that she needs to be present for us to work on a relationship.....or to even have one. She makes an attempt but other "work duties" amazingly pop up almost every day even when she is not working.

She is making an attempt but it is very half ass. I am frustrated because we both know the problem and the solution but she seems to place the importance of that behind whatever work she is doing. Please note that her work is not a financial necessity for our family, this is by choice.

I am tired of pushing her to want to spend time together. I can't want it for her.

Here is my issue. I am happy with the rest of my life and my family. I do not want to see other women or be in another relationship. I am confused on how to proceed with things. My children deserve to see a healthy relationship, not a shell of one like what is currently transpiring, nor is it fair to me to continue to not be anywhere on the priority list.

I need to focus on myself and my children. I need to take control of my own happiness and not have it dictated to me, even partially. Should I be working on this path with my wife or is this a fork in the road where I need to make a decision?


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## happy as a clam

33 is awfully young for a midlife "identity shift".... (Whatever that actually is )

I hate to say this, but it is much more likely that she has met someone interesting at her workplace, and is mentallly comparing a carefree life with a mysterious new partner vs. the daily grind of married life. The influence of her "new friends", many of whom are probably single, also cannot be overstated.

You need to do some snooping and find out if she has feelings for someone at work. Start with cell phone records, calls and texting usage. If there isn't another guy in the picture, then marriage counseling is in order. And switching jobs to something with more "family friendly" hours. If there IS someone else, that's a whole other issue with different advice altogether. You need more information to figure out what you're dealing with.

What are these other "work duties" that keep popping up? Do they require her to leave your home and go in to the restaurant? If so, MAJOR red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesjones

happy as a clam said:


> 33 is awfully young for a midlife "identity shift".... (Whatever that actually is )
> 
> I hate to say this, but it is much more likely that she has met someone interesting at her workplace, and is mentallly comparing a carefree life with a mysterious new partner vs. the daily grind of married life. The influence of her "new friends" also cannot be overstated.
> 
> You need to do some snooping and find out if she has feelings for someone at work. Start with cell phone records, calls and texting usage. If there isn't another guy in the picture, then marriage counseling is in order. And switching jobs to something with more "family friendly" hours. If there IS someone else, that's a whole other issue with different advice altogether. You need more information to figure out what you're dealing with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesjones

Hi Clam,
Yes I agree with you. I also was not sure what else to call her personality shift.

Anyway, I do not think that there is one person she is seeing rather I think she is thriving off of the attention of many men at the bar. I also know that her choice in friends has dramatically shifted who she is.

Based on this, what are your thoughts? ( or anyone's thoughts)


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## Mr.Fisty

You need to live your own life as well,it is unhealthy to remain stuck, revolving your life around one individual. Your being a family without her included.

High risks of marrying young is that people do not tend to form their identity until there mid to late twenties.

You need to set your boundaries. She is in an environment where she is more care-free, less stress, and people are motivated to seek happiness. The only thing is that her happiness is fleeting, and when she is done, she will not have a spouse or children that are highly attached to her.

You cannot force her into the person you want her to be,and if she is not the person you need as a partner, you detach. Even with those toxic elements in her life influencing her,slowly, but surely, she will change to be someone you couldn't be together with.

If she refuses to be in the type of relationship you want, you should leave. The present her is the one that matters, not the past. Keep that in mind. Staying on the present her, she is not the partner you want.

By detaching, you will find out what is more important to her. The longer you wait, the more she will change. Dragging your feet will only prolong the pain, and you want your family to either move on with her or not, but the faster things are resolved, the faster you can adapt to new circumstances, or perhaps she will come back and try to mend the rift she has created.

Either way, you need to courage to do what is best for your family, and not what you want to happen. She thinks she missed a lot marrying early, and now she is acting immature.

Btw, no one said she cannot have a life o responsiblity mixed in with some fun. There is an option of balance.


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## jamesjones

Mr.Fisty said:


> You need to live your own life as well,it is unhealthy to remain stuck, revolving your life around one individual. Your being a family without her included.
> 
> High risks of marrying young is that people do not tend to form their identity until there mid to late twenties.
> 
> You need to set your boundaries. She is in an environment where she is more care-free, less stress, and people are motivated to seek happiness. The only thing is that her happiness is fleeting, and when she is done, she will not have a spouse or children that are highly attached to her.
> 
> You cannot force her into the person you want her to be,and if she is not the person you need as a partner, you detach. Even with those toxic elements in her life influencing her,slowly, but surely, she will change to be someone you couldn't be together with.
> 
> If she refuses to be in the type of relationship you want, you should leave. The present her is the one that matters, not the past. Keep that in mind. Staying on the present her, she is not the partner you want.
> 
> By detaching, you will find out what is more important to her. The longer you wait, the more she will change. Dragging your feet will only prolong the pain, and you want your family to either move on with her or not, but the faster things are resolved, the faster you can adapt to new circumstances, or perhaps she will come back and try to mend the rift she has created.
> 
> Either way, you need to courage to do what is best for your family, and not what you want to happen. She thinks she missed a lot marrying early, and now she is acting immature.
> 
> Btw, no one said she cannot have a life o responsiblity mixed in with some fun. There is an option of balance.



This is exactly what is happening "You cannot force her into the person you want her to be,and if she is not the person you need as a partner, you detach"

Where I am confused is that she says she loves me and our life and wants everything to work out with us. It appears that she genuinely means this and tries but then gets pulled back into her "work" knowing what will result.

I also agree that she can have fun and a family/marriage. She can go out with her friends, I have no issues with that. Should I/can I be her partner in finding/help her balance this or is this her duty?


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## Happilymarried25

Why does your child go to daycare at 9:00? Doesn't your wife stay home during the day? It sounds like your wife is trying to relieve her carefree teens and 20's by working at the restaurant with other single young people. She may want to be single with no responsibilities again. She may have met someone there.

I would be concerned about how this is affecting your children. They are missing out on spending time with her. If your marriage does end odds are they will want to live with you. She should be working during the day when they are in school and spend the evenings with you and your children. Have you suggest that to her?

I don't think there is much you can do. Just be a good Dad to your children.


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## happy as a clam

Happilymarried25 said:


> Why does your child go to daycare at 9:00? Doesn't your wife stay home during the day?


Excellent point. I missed that. Why IS your youngest in daycare when your wife doesn't go to work until 5pm?

Perhaps if you didn't have to pay for daycare, she wouldn't need that job!


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## SamuraiJack

Mehhhhh...I worked food services when I was young. 
Restaurants are the most screwed up environments you can be in next to a mental health hospital. I actually preferred the Hospital. 
Drugs are rampant in most places. Even the one I worked in and that was a 4 Star rating. Drama between wait staff and nearly everyone was sleeping with everyone else.

Because the main business takes place during hours that most would settle down for, they always become out of touch with the world. Workers are frequently called in for “extras” or food prep because they will show up.

If your wife was looking for a job that would remove her from the family, I can vouch she picked the right one.
It’s an industry filled with young, irresponsible people who make bad choices all the time. 
Oh…and the DRAMA… I SOOOOOOO don’t miss it.


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## MachoMcCoy

jamesjones said:


> About 1.5 years ago she took a job at the local restaurant/bar for extra money for us.
> 
> About 6 months ago she began to spend increasingly more and more time at the restaurant with new friends.


Yeah. A usually comes before B.

Read Jack's post again. She needs a different job.


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## Yeswecan

The job has become more important than the kids and you. Apparently your W is defined by the job. She needs to find a new job that allows more family time.


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## MachoMcCoy

Yeswecan said:


> She needs to find a new job that allows more family time.


But mainly, less "drunk horny men that you will never know about" time


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## jamesjones

I appreciate the advice from everyone. I sincerely do.

To be clear, I do not believe that seeing anyone else. I do think she has change.d dramatically because of who she is surrounding herself with though. 

She seems overly concerned of my approval as to her work schedule lately. I told her about a week ago that she needed to cut back drastically if things were going to work. She sort of cut back days but is still "filling in" so not much of an improvement.

What I do not want is for me to be her dad. She knows what needs to happen but keeps checking and running these additional days or work by me to see my reaction. 

It is not a black and white issue where I know the situation. To my face she is acting genuine and caring and expecting me to show her joyful emotion in return, but her actions do not speak the same words.

I have absolutely begun to detach from her emotionally while this chaos has transpired. 

I wish I knew if she was confused and searching for herself or if she has started down a new path separate from me (us). This seems to be a big grey area, as I suppose life is......


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## tech-novelist

Sorry, but it sounds to me like she is probably either cheating on you or seriously considering it. You need to go undercover and find out. Look for the "standard evidence gathering" thread here.

In the meantime, don't tell her you are suspicious of her, as that will drive any affair underground.


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## Hicks

Working in a bar and hanging out with barflys is fun. Taking care of kids is a drag. It's hard to compete against this. Most marriages depend on a degree of sacrifice from everyone. That sacrifice comes from one's values about doing what is right over constantly being driven by what they prefer.

She is showing you what kind of person she is and the values she has. People are throwing cheating out there to you. That is not the primary problem. It will definitely happen at some point. This is because of her value system which causes her to follow what makes her feel good versus doing what is right by the family she created.

The only solution to you for a decent marriage is for your wife to quit her job. She probably will refuse to do this because the drudgery of motherhood will not compare favorably to the drama of bartending.

In your shoes I would do the following. I would do my legal homework on how to gain child custody as a father. I would then tell her to make a choice between quitting her job and her marriage. I would then go through with the divorce process of she did not choose to quit her job.

However if the rest of your life is acceptable to you, you can also choose to stick with the situation but not have expectations of her being a wife and a mother as long as she has this job.


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## Chaparral

Has your sex life changed at all during all this? Do you have access to her cell phone?


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## Chaparral

Does she go out drinking with these new friends?


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## commonsenseisn't

jamesjones said:


> I do not believe that seeing anyone else...


Wish I had a penny for every guy who said that.

How do you know?

FWIW, her behavior screams AFFAIR and you would be wise to not ignore it. 

The chances are very good that you will learn that "identity shift" is code for cheating.


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## jamesjones

Update:

I was looking back on this message of mine from early May. It is now late June and we are separated but not in two locations. We are attempting to stay as far away from each other as possible and still share a home and raise our children. The tension is horrible. I dont feel comfortable in my home and I cant imagine she does either.

I have asked and begged to reconcile/work on remedying the marriage but each week is in limbo without an answer. Today she wants to separate but maybe next week she will want to work on it. We have children and I am all in on fixing this but how long do I wait? I need to give the best effort for my children but cannot live in limbo

We have a situation where I would be the one who needs to move out because of the housing arrangement ( I prefer to not get into details and be discrete here).

Advice please


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## Tasorundo

I think you need to make a line in the sand. You are enabling this to continue by not being firm in it. It looks weak, and won't win her back, it will just torture you until she either leaves or kicks you out.


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## Tasorundo

Also, what does this mean "we are separated but not in two locations"?

Can you date other people? Or just not sleeping in the same room?


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## bandit.45

There's another man in the picture. She cannot commit to you while sleeping with another guy. All the signs are there. 

You need to hire a PI or something and get to the bottom of what she is doing. But it sounds to me like she is gone bro. Go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Get out of this limbo you are in.


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## jamesjones

Tasorundo: Yes, I do look weak right now. I have children and am willing to push that aside for their well being. Does this have the potential to work out and be beneficial for them or am i modeling something terrible to them?
She stays with friends or her parents house on most nights. Actually she has been staying at her friends houses 1-2 nights per week over the last 8-9 months. Once in a while over the last few weeks I have stayed with a friend to give her time with the kids and me away

bandit.45: I feel that there is somewhere. To me, it is reconcilable if she was seeing someone else. Also, I know she is depressed and lost. I dont want to bail if this is a depression issue


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## Tasorundo

James, you will never weak her back to you. Even if she did get tired of what/who she is doing and comes back, how long before she does this again? What lesson will she have learned?

Tell her it is 100% in or 100% out, there is no middle ground. What you will teach your children is that you have worth and so do they.


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## jamesjones

Tasorundo said:


> James, you will never weak her back to you. Even if she did get tired of what/who she is doing and comes back, how long before she does this again? What lesson will she have learned?
> 
> Tell her it is 100% in or 100% out, there is no middle ground. What you will teach your children is that you have worth and so do they.




I agree with you, I am just not sure of the timeline. Is NOW the time or is next month the time? How do I know?


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## jamesjones

Full disclosure here. I cheated on her with a drunken one night stand 10 years ago. We worked through it and had great years in between. We even had both children after that issue.
About three weeks ago she found an email of me to an female friend. The content was not sexual but said it took her back to that experience 10 years ago.
I apologized as I was clearly in the wrong by reaching out to a woman. 
I had begged her for months to "participate" in our marriage and I reached out to a friend because I was so lonely. She said she understands that she pushed me away and as of today loves me but does not like me. I asked her to decide if she wanted to reconcile and work on our issues and she said she is not sure, and not sure when she will be but if I pressed her today she would say no.

I have always done all the housework, bills, supported her and she never really showed much appreciation or helped. I am a caretaker by nature, so I felt I was loving her by taking care of her.

Im really lost........


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## MachoMcCoy

It's over. Sorry. She's holding on to you until her exit plan is in place. Just prepare yourself. Looks like the 180 will help. Live it. Learn it. Love it.


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## jamesjones

How long do I give it?


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## kristin2349

It is time to terminate life support. I know you want to reconcile, but it isn't really likely here. You are being kept on the line for plan B and nothing else, just a safety net and the more you allow yourself to be this the worse your chances of ever regaining her respect.

You need to learn and practice the 180, go dark on her and file for divorce. Don't talk to her about your plans just do it.


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## ConanHub

Start the 180. Talk to a lawyer and file for divorce.

Be confident and cool.

Start now.

If she isn't screwing around on you, I will eat liver.

I hate liver...

Read no more 
Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer for some useful tips.

Go out without her, look really good! Act like you could care less if she was around.

Expose her behavior to important people in your lives.

Did you two go to MC for your previous disgusting behavior?

She probably never properly healed and the marriage was going down hill because of it.

It is still no excuse for her to cheat.

She needs a sharp wake up slap and you serving her divorce papers at work while doing many things for yourself, enjoying time out with friends, working out with heavy weights, time for hobbies away from her while she takes care of the kids.

Right now you are facilitating your wife's crappie behavior by still supporting her and babysitting while she parties and gets banged by whoever she is spending her nights with.

If you take a hard stand, she will lose her party lifestyle and you at the same time.

I would not want her back but if you do, this is your best chance at reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane

jamesjones said:


> How long do I give it?


No more time - you've already given it plenty of time and it's not working and it's not making anything better.

Turn the tables on her. Become 1000000% in favor of divorce and get the ball rolling. Either that will jolt her awake, or it won't, but you have zero reason to stay in this limbo. She has created this situation, you gave her plenty of opportunity to work on things and she clearly chose not to. 

Continue to stay and your kids won't respect you, either. Stop being so accommodating to a person who has no interest in working anything out.


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## Hardtohandle

jamesjones said:


> How long do I give it?


You don't

The 180 is listed in my signature.. 

It is clearly obvious you're weak and being weak you will NEVER get her back. It is a simple fact.. Fvck your caregiver bullsh!t.. You are weak and she senses and sees it.. This other man ( which there is ) just isn't and doesn't care so that is why she is hung up on him.. She is chasing what she cannot get.. 

She will be back after he cuts her loose.. 

Mind you I am not talking bravado, because I was in your shoes.. 

We will repeat this for you, like we have done so many times in the past and continue to do so in the future. Which of course was said to me as well..

Only when you man up and grow a pair of balls and show her you don't give a fvck will she care at all. When you tell her okay, play time is over.. The bills are such give me half.. Day care is out, You take care of the kid when your home and when I get home you can work and I will take care of the kid. 

When you make her do half of the work and half the responsibility and then YOU go out and not tell her sh!t.. Then she will care.. When she see's you getting dressed up to go out and wonder where you're going.. Only then will she make some sort of half a$$ comment about fixing the relationship.. It will come off something like.. Well so much for you wanting to fix the relationship.. What happen to that all of a sudden.. Some b!tch or puzzy change your mind or something ? 

Funny how in May you were saying you don't think she is with someone.. Not gonna be funny in August when you find out who it is.. This sh!t is not normal.. Its not midlife.. This is new d!ck.. This is someone who does know how to handle new d!ck.. This is someone who thinks new d!ck means they love them.. But again this is not something you can control. 

You can read my story ( it's in my signature, mymistake ) to see what happens when you beg, grovel and cry.. All you get is dirty knees and hands and wet face.. All you see is their shoes when they walk out the door.. 

Something just isn't right.. Your story just doesn't sit well.. Please dig deeper.. Look at her cell phone or the cell phone bill.. Go to the restaurant and have a dinner.. Watch her squirm and get all weird.. You will see it.. You will sense it..


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## bandit.45

180 and divorce. It is the only thing that might snap her out of it.


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## jamesjones

We own a home together. Her parents live next door, very close and share a yard. Me staying would not be a comfortable situation. My biggest concern are my children. I want her to be in their life. We are both good parents. How do I assure a true 50-50 co parenting situation?


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## kristin2349

jamesjones said:


> We own a home together. Her parents live next door, very close and share a yard. Me staying would not be a comfortable situation. My biggest concern are my children. I want her to be in their life. We are both good parents. How do I assure a true 50-50 co parenting situation?


Go talk to a lawyer (it is beyond past due anyway) 50/50 custody is pretty much standard unless one party wants less for some reason. 

As for the home unless one of you can afford it on your own it is going to have to be sold. It doesn't sound like she can afford it. Take it one step at a time, go have a consultation with a divorce attorney.


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## the guy

The way ward is good...she most be getting coached.

The projection is a classic move.

You gotta admit she has been doing well for her self for the last 8-9 month.

What a cake eater!

Good luck nicking your way through this crap...why the he'll should she want to anything but keep the status quo? 

Face it ...you ain't going any were so way would she think any differently. 

My advice is start getting her to think twice and start second guessing what she about to lose. Talk is cheap...it's time to SHOW this women how confident you are in letting her go. 

Chick's love confident guys.


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## Chaparral

OK. Compare your behavior and compare it to the manly guys hanging out with her in a bar atmosphere. Do you think those guys are cooking, cleaning, washing clothes and babysitting?

Somewhere you lost your man card and became the cook, cleaning lady and chief bottle washer. Where on earth did you learn this sh!t? Women's studies?


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## the guy

A good parent doesn't make their job a priority but makes a strong effort in time management that involve keeping the family unit together.

Your old lady is all about staying out late and sleeping in...I call bull shyt on her being a good parent.

Your old lady is tearing the family apart and you continue to distance your self from this marriage....it's about time you speak up and make it clear that you will not control her but you will take the steps to get out of an unhealthy marriage.

I say it's about time you get a lot closer to whats going on in your marriage and stop running from it. she continues her bull crap you continue to distance your self instead of speaking your mind and taking the tough and painful step to show your old lady the consequences.

Sure it suck but like the rest of us you need to stop tolerating her crap and go cry in the garage. With out the painful consequences she will continue her crap and you will continue to distance your self...I know I have been there.

sincerly
the guy
with the cheating wife


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## the guy

Having been through this i know how easy it is to deny the fact that when your old lady comes home the next morning you have to believe she was with her friends. As she gets more and more distance it's easy to have your own time to do what you want with out her complaining...so ya it can be nice she sleeps all day so you can do your thing.

Soon she starts to leave for work more but the bank account doesn't make sense, soon she starts taking an over night bag to work with her, soon she isn't even around on her days off.....

My point is once you start looking you see she isn't at work when you show up to her work to have a drink, then you take the time to look into the over night bag when she isn't looking, and then there comes a point were you look at her ATM activity and it never matchs up with what she is telling you.

It's time you take this marriage by the horns and find out whats really going on instead avoiding the unthinkable! It's not doing the family any good by keeping the status guo.

At least once you find out whats really going on with this marriage you can confront the facts and move on with the real issue at hand...instead of a bunch of bull shyt like distance and non communication....there is a real reason for all this .....go find it.


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## Dyokemm

Your W has been sleeping at a friend's house 1-2 nights a week for 8 or 9 months? 

Did I read that right?

If this is one of her new 'bar' friends then your M is essentially over....as this is when she is meeting and sexing up the OM.

And yes...there is almost definitely a POSOM here.....this is almost a textbook example of all the signs of an A.

Other posters have been telling you for awhile to investigate and confirm.....you have ignored it in favor of trying to 'nice' your WW back or wait for her 'crazy' episode to pass.

Probably because you feel guilty and that you have no right because you had a ONS 10 years ago.

Hate to break it to you...but that crap NEVER works.

Investigate...get the evidence...expose her A....and file for D.

Only when your WW sees that her family and life as she knows it is about to be gone forever might she snap out of this, end the A, and start doing what is necessary to save your M.

And after you bust her....DEMAND that the first thing she does is quit that job if she wants to save her M.

You said you never needed the money to support the family anyway.

You should have made her quit it the MOMENT it started to become an issue in your family.

OP, you better start fighting for your M or you are going to lose it.


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## Stillkindofhopefull

Your marriage isn't over unless you believe it is. She can believe it is, you may have to believe for the both of you that it isn't.
Then you have to get your heart and head right. Take the man-up advice but not the "I quit" route.
You do have to be able to move on with your life. You have to be strong for your kids. This will shape them one way or the other. 
Read "Love Must Be Tough" (or something like that) by James Dobson.
Also, "No More Mr Nice Guy."
Get to reading.
Get to praying.
Anything is possible. You can check out my story on here. It's a long one. 
But she tells me she loves me again.
She has learned her lesson. 
I didn't teach it to her, but I did forgive her when she came back...I also prepared to fight her for full custody of my son if she hadn't come back.
In the end I made the decision I was going to love her through it.
It wasn't all roses and she didn't come back because she was so in love. But she did come back. We worked with it. We are a lot better now because of it...and it has gotten pretty bad. We can actually laugh about some of it. That's crazy...but true.
Good luck and God bless.


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## jamesjones

What is the safest way that I can assure that I see my children at least 50% of the time? If I move out am I giving away any "power" in the child situation? We are respectful of each other and would be in agreement of a 50/50 split, but it looks like these type of situations can go bad down the road. What should I be doing to protect myself and children?


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## Chaparral

Get a lawyer and get the agreement signed as fast as you can while she's still in the affair land fog.


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## Youngster

jamesjones said:


> What is the safest way that I can assure that I see my children at least 50% of the time? If I move out am I giving away any "power" in the child situation? We are respectful of each other and would be in agreement of a 50/50 split, but it looks like these type of situations can go bad down the road. *What should I be doing to protect myself and children?*


See a lawyer!


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## bandit.45

jamesjones said:


> We own a home together. Her parents live next door, very close and share a yard. Me staying would not be a comfortable situation. My biggest concern are my children. I want her to be in their life. We are both good parents. How do I assure a true 50-50 co parenting situation?


Talk to a lawyer to make sure moving out is a good idea. You may have to eat a sh!t sandwich and do an in-house separation until the divorce comes through. Problem with that is you may have to watch her get dolled up to go out and fvck her boyfriends. But you have basically been doing that anyway so....


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## Hardtohandle

jamesjones said:


> We own a home together. Her parents live next door, very close and share a yard. Me staying would not be a comfortable situation. My biggest concern are my children. I want her to be in their life. We are both good parents. How do I assure a true 50-50 co parenting situation?


JJ,

READ MY STORY... Just skim through my thread and just read MY STUFF.. 

Listen to me.. PLEASE...

I'm a NYC Detective.. I'm a bad ass mother fvcker.. There is no one.. I mean no one I'm afraid of.. Because I fvcking know they bleed just like me.. I have zero issue hurting someone if I have to.. 

Cops shows aren't about Kansas PD blue.. Or Illinois special victim squad.. ITS NYPD DETECTIVES.. Not the bosses.. The Detectives..

I'm no slouch, Other cops from across the country that meet me wanted to hook up with me.. I NEVER, EVER cheated on my EX wife.. NEVER.. I just respected her and loved her too much.. I would make love to her and look at her in awe.. My ExGF was WAY more better looking than my Ex wife.. 

Women come back to my office to want to hook up with me and others as well. I can go to a cop bar and any woman there that is not a cop is looking to be with a cop.. 

But with all of that said.. I was utterly useless against my Ex wife.. I had zero defenses against her.. I couldn't protect myself in the slightest from her.. 

My Ex wife was the woman who baked cupcakes for the kids and school parties.. The one who made me dinner if I asked or didn't.. The one who would make me surprise desserts and stuff that she wanted to try out.. The one who would make every other wife jealous because we would make out at BBQ like kids in front of my other married friends.. She was the one who would sit on my lap instead of the seat next to me.. The one that would tell me to sit down as she got me a plate a of food. 

I was the punisher and disciplinarian in the home, not her.. I was the bad guy to my kids.. I was the one she would call to "straighten out " my kids.. Mind you my kids are A and B grade students.. So imagine what "straighten out" was.. So far I can tell you, seeing all I have seen and dealing with all the kids I have in so many different ways.. I am truly blessed to have these kids of mine.. They are ACES.. 

My Ex wife bought my kids whatever they wanted and needed. My boys had more clothes than we knew what to do with.. My youngest has OVER 300 WWE wrestling figures and 7 Assorted wrestling rings..

Trust me people were jealous of our relationship, but not in a bad way.. I got sex 3 to 4 times a week for nearly 20 years of this relationship.. Mind you my wife for the age 50 kept weight off but again wasn't a fashion model.. Granted I was nothing either so I am NOT complaining, just making a clear point here.. 

But to me SHE WAS A FASHION MODEL.. 

With all of this being said.. How great I thought we had it.. How great she was to me and the kids..

She abandoned us for some piece of sh!t.. She hasn't seen our oldest son for over 2 1/2 years..
It crushes me like you will never understand.. 
No matter how much I move forward in my life, I feel a part of me will ALWAYS be stuck there in that time.. 

I'm close to the point where I will be bringing home more than 10k a month in CASH in my pocket.. I have physical custody of the boys and my Ex wife pays ME child support.. I landed on good fortune because of this divorce. In many ways I grew up and woke up.. Yea maybe I should have did this a year before she decided to cheat and leave.. But I didn't.. I don't blame myself because I know I could have never fixed what was broken inside my ex wife.. I wished for everything in the world that I could.. But I couldn't.

I have the world by the balls and I would give it all back if I could fix it and make my family whole again..

My simple issue was I was too WEAK to take action.. To make a stand. I was too WEAK and deadly afraid of losing her.. And because of that I LOST HER.. Mind you again I know it wouldn't have fixed things. In my case hindsight is 20/20.. It would have put a bandaid on MY ISSUES with her but not fixed the real, root of the cause issue.. I don't know what that issue was and she doesn't either.. 

But again I think if I was stronger I/we might have had the time to figure all that out.. MAYBE.. Deep down I would have given it a shot.. 

But stop being this fixer and this puzzy talking about co-parenting.. Because you are talking about things she has NOT discussed with you.. You are just assuming that is what she wants.. 

I thought my kids were leaving me with my Ex wife and moving in with some d0uchebag, loser that has nothing and thought my wife was rich and that they were gonna live off my child support check.. 

But things don't work out how you expect all the time.. 
My ex wife shut everyone out of her life.. My oldest son, Her mother and father, Her aunts and uncles, her cousins.. EVERYONE.. Anyone that might say something bad about her new man or that might try to talk some sense into her.. I'm pretty sure he likes it that way as well. 

And trust me this all breaks my heart seeing this happening to you and you being scared and feeling helpless. Trust me I know everything we are saying goes against the grain of everything you think is right.. 

She is cheating on you.. You just haven't looked well enough or are refusing to look because you're afraid of what you will find..


----------



## jamesjones

Hardtohandle: Thank you for that great post. I appreciate it.


We spoke today and decided to separate. I will be moving out as soon as we can make this work financially. It will not be easy.

Thanks for your support everyone.


----------



## Hardtohandle

jamesjones said:


> Hardtohandle: Thank you for that great post. I appreciate it.
> 
> 
> We spoke today and decided to separate. I will be moving out as soon as we can make this work financially. It will not be easy.
> 
> Thanks for your support everyone.


DONT MOVE OUT... 

You talk to a lawyer first..


----------



## tom67

Hardtohandle said:


> DONT MOVE OUT...
> 
> You talk to a lawyer first..


Get a court ordered separation agreement signed by a judge.


----------



## naiveonedave

Hardtohandle said:


> DONT MOVE OUT...
> 
> You talk to a lawyer first..


this can be critical in your D. If you got slapped w/abandonment, you can get taken to the cleaners.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull

I agree. Don't move out. I moved out only after we both met with an attorney.
Let her do it.
I moved out, moved back in after a couple months of living with my folks. A month later, after having moved back in, finding evidence of another man, confronting her then confronting him, she moved out.

You are going to have to understand that if you want to keep your family you have to fight for it. The doesn't mean hate her. I resolved to love my wife through it...didn't mean kiss her butt...just that she would have to walk away from love.
In the meantime I bought books about how to win custody. 
I wasn't going to lose my wife AND my son when I didn't want to lose either to begin with.
She won't get it, but you are going to have to understand that your aren't fighting her to fight her, you are fighting FOR your kids. It's a big difference that makes a big deal.
Find out more about the other guy. There is another guy. Don't make it easier for her but dont make her feel worthless as the truth comes out of you want to keep your family. 
You really do need to mask the pain and stand up for your family now.
She is in the fog and if you make it too easy, she surely won't return.
Get to a gym, too.
And a church if aren't.
And irregardless of how it works out, stay in both.


----------



## Cynthia

jamesjones said:


> We spoke today and decided to separate. I will be moving out as soon as we can make this work financially. It will not be easy.


I agree with the others - do not move out. That can create a world of hurt for you, especially in regards to custody. And do not assume that you should be the one to move out simply because your in-laws live next door. If you end up with custody, having them next door could be a huge help to you. Further, it is not your problem that your wife would have to move away from her parents. You are taking on her problems as if they are you own. Her personal problems are hers to own. Don't give an inch where you don't have to. It won't do you, your wife, or your children any good. You need to be in a position of strength for your children.


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## Vulcan2013

In addition to leaving you at a legal disadvantage by moving out, there is another point. She's unhappy, she's blowing up the family, she should move out.


----------



## Hardtohandle

jamesjones said:


> Hardtohandle: Thank you for that great post. I appreciate it.
> 
> 
> We spoke today and decided to separate. I will be moving out as soon as we can make this work financially. It will not be easy.
> 
> Thanks for your support everyone.


James.. 

I don't want to be a d!ck.. But I'm gonna be one.. 

Try to understand after reading all the tones you put forth in this thread.. You making the declaration that you are moving out again makes you sound weak.. 

It smells of *"Okay, I'll move out.. Its easier for me and it's best for the kids"* I just imagine some guy with his shoulders slumped over packing his bags in a already over stuffed suitcase.. 

Do the opposite of what wants to come out of your mouth and see what happens.. 

Look I didn't get custody of my 2nd son until I told her to come and get him.. He lived with me for 6 months and I was still paying child support for him... 

She said she wanted to take it slow, so I agreed. But 6 months ? I told her if we go any slower we will be in reverse.. 

I said you wanted him.. I'm paying you child support so come and fvcking get him.. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I cried when he left..

But 2 days later he was calling to come home and wondered why he couldn't.. The following week the same thing happen.. He left and called to come back home after 2 days.. 

He never went back after that 2nd week. I filed for termination of support and change of physical custody months later.. 

Stop thinking what traditionally happens.. Its 2015.. Men can have custody.. You just have to fight and be crafty.. 

Like I said if I put the skills I used during my divorce into saving my marriage I would be married today.. Instead I am divorced, BUT I have custody of both boys and my Ex wife pays me child support.. Again not a bad loss.. But not the same regardless..


----------



## convert

Hardtohandle said:


> James..
> 
> I don't want to be a d!ck.. But I'm gonna be one..
> 
> Try to understand after reading all the tones you put forth in this thread.. You making the declaration that you are moving out again makes you sound weak..
> 
> It smells of *"Okay, I'll move out.. Its easier for me and it's best for the kids"* I just imagine some guy with his shoulders slumped over packing his bags in a already over stuffed suitcase..
> 
> Do the opposite of what wants to come out of your mouth and see what happens..
> 
> Look I didn't get custody of my 2nd son until I told her to come and get him.. He lived with me for 6 months and I was still paying child support for him...
> 
> She said she wanted to take it slow, so I agreed. But 6 months ? I told her if we go any slower we will be in reverse..
> 
> I said you wanted him.. I'm paying you child support so come and fvcking get him.. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I cried when he left..
> 
> But 2 days later he was calling to come home and wondered why he couldn't.. The following week the same thing happen.. He left and called to come back home after 2 days..
> 
> He never went back after that 2nd week. I filed for termination of support and change of physical custody months later..
> 
> Stop thinking what traditionally happens.. Its 2015.. Men can have custody.. You just have to fight and be crafty..
> 
> Like I said if I put the skills I used during my divorce into saving my marriage I would be married today.. Instead I am divorced, BUT I have custody of both boys and my Ex wife pays me child support.. Again not a bad loss.. But not the same regardless..


good post, and your are not being a d!ck at all


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## brooklynAnn

DO not move out of your house. Don't go anywhere. Speak to your lawyer because this can be seen as abandonment. Which will put you at a disadvantage in the divorce proceedings. Becareful, keep taking care of the girls, your wife has her head in the clouds. She will not put their best interest first, you have to do that. 

Let her leave the house instead. Just put up with the in-laws for now. Keeps the girls in their environment until the divorce is finish. 

Hurry up and file the papers.


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## Stillkindofhopefull

http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/statistics-about-children-and-divorce.html

Read this before give up. Let it get you a little angry...show it to her or leave it out where she can she it.

My wife met someone, had an EA...crazy, crazy period. I had every right to leave and sometimes wonder if I should have why I could have but those feelings are fewer and further in between the more it becomes our past.

Toughen up and respect yourself enough to fight for your kids. Honestly, it isn't that easy...but it's the only chance you have at saving everything.

Your kids are worth it. 2 of our kids are blended. My wife's first marriage. With our recent problems it led to her ex going for full custody. That is what woke her up. It may take that for your wife, too. And then you'll have to decide if you want to forgive her.

Forgive her. 

But worry about that when the time comes.

For now, focus on you and the kids. Be the best single dad you know how. Let them see your strength. They are watching everything and everything affects them. It may not seem like it now but you will see the emotional price they pay for this later. So when you want to give up, or be nasty...or weak. Just don't.
That is what you need God and the gym for.


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## Stillkindofhopefull

Excuse the typos. I can't edit from my phone.


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## Hardtohandle

Stillkindofhopefull said:


> 18 Shocking Children and Divorce Statistics


shouldn't have read that article..


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## Stillkindofhopefull

Sorry man. Wasn't trying to depress you. It's just that for me there were/are times that my son was the only reason I made it through and tried to stay patient and didn't make any dumb (too dumb) of moves.

It was when her life fell apart that she came back. I was aware of why she came back and it's made for some hard times but for me, I would do anything as best I could to keep my family together for the sake of my family. I know I could meet someone else...we all can. I know I could have had some get sex and maybe have a completely different marriage that would be better than the one I would have left...but on the other hand...the are few things easy in marriage...that's why you commit. It it were easy, you wouldn't need a commitment and contract saying you will stick with it.
Sometimes you have to be the strong one...this is definitely one of those times.


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## Stillkindofhopefull

And things really can get better...even after all this.


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## jamesjones

Thanks for the input everyone. The contrast of replies is amazing. Some say to get a pair of balls and others say to push through the unpleasantness.

By now everyone knows the backstory, but I have a one last concern.

I suggested that we share an apt and rotating weeks at home as to not upset the kids schedule. That was met with no reply which I assume is a "not interested". Thats fine. I am ready to move on.

My question is this. When I move on I am gone. I dont expect to remedy the situation and resume the marriage. Before I take this step I need to be sure that everything is "dead" on her end. She is being polite when we talk as I am sure to not hurt my feelings, but I need a smoking gun to mentally move on. When I look back on this situation I want to be sure that I did everything that I could do to work on this TOGETHER. Once Im gone, I am moving on........

Suggestions?


----------



## jamesjones

Thanks for the input everyone. The contrast of replies is amazing. Some say to get a pair of balls and others say to push through the unpleasantness.

By now everyone knows the backstory, but I have a one last concern.

I suggested that we share an apt and rotating weeks at home as to not upset the kids schedule. That was met with no reply which I assume is a "not interested". Thats fine. I am ready to move on.

My question is this. When I move on I am gone. I dont expect to remedy the situation and resume the marriage once I leave. Before I take this step I need to be sure that everything is "dead" on her end. She is being polite when we talk as I am sure to not hurt my feelings, but I need a smoking gun to mentally move on. When I look back on this situation I want to be sure that I did everything that I could do to work on this TOGETHER. I owe that much to my children. Once Im gone, I am moving on........

Suggestions?


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## Chaparral

I would suggest downloading a divorce packet for your state. If you can't do that, you should be able to pick one up at the county court house.

Sit her down and go over it with her and ask her if she's sure she is ready to divorce. Ask her if she wants any custody of the kids. Tell her you won't accept anything less than 50/50. She will have to work a full time job and you don't expect to pay alimony.

Negotiate from strength. Ask for more than you're willing to accept.

Check out dadsdivorce.com.

Do a hard 180.

Hopefully, she will rethink her wish to be a barfly and part time mother. But you have to shake her up.


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## bandit.45

If you need a smoking gun then hire a PI. It's the only way.


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## norajane

jamesjones said:


> My question is this. When I move on I am gone. I dont expect to remedy the situation and resume the marriage once I leave. Before I take this step I need to be sure that everything is "dead" on her end. She is being polite when we talk as I am sure to not hurt my feelings, but I need a smoking gun to mentally move on. When I look back on this situation I want to be sure that I did everything that I could do to work on this TOGETHER. I owe that much to my children. Once Im gone, I am moving on........
> 
> Suggestions?


Do you have ANY reason to believe it isn't completely dead on her end?

One person can't fix a bad relationship. Both people have to want to. Has she shown any signs of wanting to fix anything?


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## Stillkindofhopefull

Her world will have to crumble and shake her up to get her attention at this point I think.
In the meantime you need to control your world and even make it better...with a decent smile on your face but no hatred.
Get your ducks in a row. 
Like Chap said, go for more than you're will to accept and read up on the link. 
I downloaded a book, may have been the same one. Inform yourself.
Basically, intentionally make a better life for you and the kids. She will see it. Even if she doesn't, you and your kids deserve it.
Read books, work out and go to church. 
All are important for a successful change in whichever direction you choose.


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## jamesjones

Thanks everyone. We spoke today about a shared apt where we take turns away 
from the family home. This way the children are less disputed. We agreed that this would work but only for a short term solution. We agreed that it could not last for more then three months. So, we discussed the time frame of our possible recovery. She did not think that we could have it resolved in three months. The other option was the year long lease. She was upset by thinking about a year separation. She is lost for sure.
Also, I mentioned a few places that I was looking at for rentals. We live in a rural small town. She did not seem happy that I am choosing to live in town about 2 miles away. She seemed to be pushing for the out of town rents. I choose to stay in town to be close to my children's school and daycare. I am 5 minutes away here. 
Anyway, the small things are beginning to add up to a smoking gun. Now the problem becomes her being friendly to me all the time texting me about her day but at the same time telling me that we won't work this out in the months. If we can be friendly we should be able to work things out. 
We are just in two different places. I believe marriage is about working through problems. She just wants space. 
I am clearly moving on, I'm just confused as to how civil and kind things are. It certainly is making this hats to process with the mixed messages
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

jamesjones said:


> Thanks everyone. We spoke today about a shared apt where we take turns away
> from the family home. This way the children are less disputed. We agreed that this would work but only for a short term solution. We agreed that it could not last for more then three months. So, we discussed the time frame of our possible recovery. She did not think that we could have it resolved in three months. The other option was the year long lease. She was upset by thinking about a year separation. She is lost for sure.
> Also, I mentioned a few places that I was looking at for rentals. We live in a rural small town. She did not seem happy that I am choosing to live in town about 2 miles away. She seemed to be pushing for the out of town rents. I choose to stay in town to be close to my children's school and daycare. I am 5 minutes away here.
> Anyway, the small things are beginning to add up to a smoking gun. Now the problem becomes her being friendly to me all the time texting me about her day but at the same time telling me that we won't work this out in the months. If we can be friendly we should be able to work things out.
> We are just in two different places. I believe marriage is about working through problems. She just wants space.
> I am clearly moving on, I'm just confused as to how civil and kind things are. It certainly is making this hats to process with the mixed messages
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't want you close so you can't see who she's dating and blab it to family and friends.


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## Stillkindofhopefull

During our R, my wife did say one day that her first D was just "easy." There was abuse involved and he never disputed anything or was rude to me so I could/can only assume it was true. 
She also said that ours...initially, while I was nice and doing whatever I could to make it work...which isn't attractive for the most part...was also easy at first. 
I say that because your post reminded me of her comment...she is expecting things to be pretty easy and so far she seems pretty right IMO.


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## JohnA

James,

In sone ways what you are feeling is what she felt with you ONS. Knowing how this feels could you ever do this to
Someone else? Yet she is knowingly doing this to you and your children.

Why do you want this in your life ? Forget the fantasy of her !!!!

Find freedom and peace in planning the future. You do not leave the home. You protect your children by protecting their home. You said you do most of the house work. Will you provide room service for her and the guy she is sacking up with in your home?
Sometimes it is best to keep our thoughts simple.


----------



## Chaparral

You're messing this up. She wants space, let her leave. She wants space to hook up with another man. Why do you want her back if it doesn't work out?

I think you will get it sooner or later but it hurts more the longer you get played.


----------



## Chaparral

Ask her if she has a problem divorcing and starting all over. Tell her while she's hanging out with her barfly friends, you can also look around. If she wants after a while, the two of you can date again.

You're being to nice to be attractive. Did you get the MMSLP book? Did you download the free NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY book? Google it!


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## jamesjones

Can you share the free download link?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Try this. It looks odd and I just got the new windows ten update yesterday.

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## bandit.45

You know James....the concepts we are laying down here to you are pretty self evident. You seem to be good at letting her lead you around by the nose.


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## jamesjones

I agree bandit. If it was just her and I then I would be gone. I just feel I need to exist every possibility before we make this split for the sake of my family. Maybe not a wise choice, but once I walk away I will be sure and without regret. I do appreciate the advice from everyone. Please keep it coming. It is EXTREMELY helpful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Make sure you keep a journal and keep it in a safe place. You might beable to find a pattern and if need be you can hire a PI once a pattern is established and it will be a little cheaper if the PI has something to work off of.

And make sure she doesn't catch you on this site. Clear your history

Have you picked up a VAR yet?

You still need to keep your guard up, she is most likely going to make sure you are not spying on her or looking for a divorce lawyer behind her back.


----------



## the guy

And don't forget the GPS...another must in this pucked up game us betrayed have to play in order to validate the next step in taking control of our life.


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## the guy

sorry wrong thread


----------



## the guy

My bad for trying to watch Walking Dead marathon and post on TAM...


----------



## jamesjones

We spent the day with our kids together. My feelings fluctuated between the day feeling normal and then the thought of her unwilling to work thorough our problems and tearing our family apart. She is very nice to me all day. It is extremely confusing to think that this relationship is not repairable but I do realize it takes both people 100 percent in to make a marriage work. So confusing. Has anyone gone through this during separation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

No I haven't.

My thoughts on separation are ...it's like putting more frosting on a cake so the cake eater can enjoy it.

I feel separation is bull shyt....either be with me or go pound sand.

They way I see it is it just relieves the guilt of the cheaters while they continue to screw around.


----------



## the guy

I get you want to keep your family together, but when you ain't around what is your old lady really doing.

At the end of the day you either want someone or you don't.

I think your old lady was doing this for the kids......once the sun goes down and the kids are a sleep who's bed does she want to climb into?


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## Stillkindofhopefull

She is doing it for the kids but she doesn't even have to do that. It could be her silent little way of feeling things out.
Don't avoid them, just don't be a doormat. Show her your okay and keep moving on with your life (even if you really aren't).

I've been a bit where you are. I've gone into my own house around Christmas (when I wasn't living there) and saw it nice a clean and her happy so I just acted just as happy.

Then I moved back in and acted just as happy...and firm. She moved out.

It was bad. But I stayed faithful. I didnt talk to any women, nothing. Sometimes I really wanted to because it helps the hurt of what you are going through. But I didn't.

Her world caved in. I took her back. For the most part I think it was the right move. Something I had been praying for and beleiving in the whole time.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have used her mistakes to my advantage in relation to custody of my son.

We still have some work to do. Sometimes I think she only came back because of the mess she was in...and the truth is, she did. But she said it woke her up. Something had to. 

Have you ever been "woke up" before? Sometimes it is what you need.

I committed to show her love. Even when I REALLY didn't want to...but we are commanded to if you are of the faith. 
It's a command because it isn't always easy. Marriage is a commitment because the love fades in and out...the one we feels matters (and it does) and it's our commitment that keeps us in it during the "out" phases.

You were an admitted prick at times...no one is perfect but everything affects everything and those moments were gradually affecting her I'm sure.

People will justify what they want to do in order to do whatever they want to do. She is doing that now. 

But no woman wants to break up her family for the sake of boredom or a couple hard times.

Tread lightly. Don't act in hate. Show love but show resolve. 

Keep getting stronger...physically (she'll see it and it IS attractive, spiritually (she'll sense it and it is intriguing and comforting) and financially (as much as you can...it's a strong alpha trait...and you have kids to provide for).


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## jamesjones

Thanks for the book suggestion. My mind is blown
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesjones

Also, it looks like this relationship is dead. Two weeks into the decision and we have been nice to each other but not a mention of resolving anything while talking about splitting our belongings, money issues, etc. There have been tons of chances where she could say wait, let's take our time and try to make this work. It's over. The ball in the coffin will be moving into separate locations
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Hang in there jj this is her mess.
You will get through this and be better off for it.
Dust your self off and hold your head high.


Chances don't matter to your old lady....she has someone else....you gotta stop worrying about her, she is someone else' problem, and take care of your self.
As you can see it's up to you to clean up this mess by filing for divorce.

I mean come on why the separation....to see if you miss each other....not likely as long as the OM is still in the picture. The way I see it is you all have been separated for some time....it's time to cut bait.

Time to file and show your old lady her new reality.


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## jamesjones

Yea we really have been basically separated for about a year. You can certainly look at it that way. Also we were never legally married but do have children together. I assume that this separation is the same as a divorce legally
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MachoMcCoy

jamesjones said:


> Has anyone gone through this during separation?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. We didn't separate. We are still together. Living like roomates. But it is hard to wrap your head around the fact that the center of your universe, the love of your life, your life partner, doesn't feel the same about you and never will again. And doesn't even want to try.

That's where leaving is important. If I had to do it over again I would have. But I held out hope for too long. The sad part is that as long as we're together, I still hold a little hope. Making it REALLY hard to go to bed every night, hoping this will be the night, only to have her turn her back to me again. That is GUARANTEED, but it still crushes me. Every single night.

Your mindset is right. You need to follow through. Do NOT be me in 5 years. Start living again. No do-overs here. Every single day you waste is gone forever.


----------



## jamesjones

MachoMcCoy said:


> Yes. We didn't separate. We are still together. Living like roomates. But it is hard to wrap your head around the fact that the center of your universe, the love of your life, your life partner, doesn't feel the same about you and never will again. And doesn't even want to try.
> 
> That's where leaving is important. If I had to do it over again I would have. But I held out hope for too long. The sad part is that as long as we're together, I still hold a little hope. Making it REALLY hard to go to bed every night, hoping this will be the night, only to have her turn her back to me again. That is GUARANTEED, but it still crushes me. Every single night.
> 
> Your mindset is right. You need to follow through. Do NOT be me in 5 years. Start living again. No do-overs here. Every single day you waste is gone forever.




I totally agree with you. I am coming to peace with the fact that this is over. I have done what I can and now must just let life happen and move on. I am not able to begin healing until we are living separately. Each day under the same roof is filled with hope and hurt. It is not healthy. I am dreading the actual move out date but I can sense the relief of actually doing so....for both of us.


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## MachoMcCoy

jamesjones said:


> Each day under the same roof is filled with hope and hurt. It is not healthy.



Print that out. Laminate it and carry it in your wallet. Read it every day until you move out. Continue to carry it for those times where you feel you may have made a mistake. 

Good luck. I hope you can find the balls I couldn't. I envy you.


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## MachoMcCoy

jamesjones said:


> Hello,
> My wife and I have been together for 13 years, since she was 20 and I was 21.


You're 34. Your entire life is still ahead of you. Maybe there are do-overs. 

You were handed a great gift. Don't waste it.


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## jamesjones

MachoMcCoy said:


> You're 34. Your entire life is still ahead of you. Maybe there are do-overs.
> 
> You were handed a great gift. Don't waste it.



Thanks MachoMcCoy. I fluctuate between believing exactly that and complete terror


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