# Any hope for change?



## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

I have been in a common-law relationship for 1.5 years, dating almost 2 years. We met when I was travelling and after dating for a few months he decided to move with me into a new city for us both. It was our first time living with a partner and I think we choose to do so for financial and idealistic romantic reasons. But we have had a troubled relationship because of his addictions with alcohol and his general instability. There have been a dozen nights where he has gone out with drinking buddies and not returned until the next day. He has also broken up with me before on a drunken whim only to say the next day that he did not mean it. About a year ago he pushed me around one night after drinking and I filed a protection order that kept him away from me for 1 month; we later reconciled.

I have tried my best to be strong by not allowing poor treatment but the consequences for him are often short lived. I have found that all this drama has really affected me - my performance at work and I cheated on him two different times with two different guys. One time it was after he had broken up with me and took off drinking (I guess I tried to move-on in an unhealthy way) and another time was when he was in his home town partying. My response to cheat was immature but what can I say, I was in an emotional frenzy. I have been honest with him about my infidelity, albeit a few months after the fact. 

Recently he abandoned me on New Years to drink with friends when I went with him to his home town and then in February broke up with me and left town after I revealed the second infidelity. After he finished his running around for a week he came home and begged for me to take him back.

I have considered terminating our relationship many times but I am never able to stick with it. I have very powerful feelings for him and he can be so sincere and convincing when he sees that he might lose me for good. He has changed for the better in many ways since we started dating - he had stopped the all nighters, he has not pushed me around for one year, he calls to check in if he goes out with friends, he is financially supportive and pays more than his share of bills, and he does a lot more housework. But still I find that sometimes alcohol takes control of him and he is not reliable.

With this last break up (which he initiated 2 weeks ago) I thought it was permanent and I started working through my grief. I decided to stop drinking myself because of how I saw alcohol change my love and destroy our relationship. When I told him this 1.5 weeks ago he decided to join me in this pledge, although I am not sure he is considering permanent or semi-permanent sobriety. Now he wants to resume our relationship with the promise that he will change. When I see him my heart still flutters with love but I don't feel very eager to jump back into a relationship with him. I fear we will fall back in the same patterns. I am seeking PC and would like to go to CC with him to at least find closure on our past. But I am not sure that all the therapy in the world can tell him to respect me if I keep letting him come and go at his leisure.

He asked for me back and I said no. I told him to take the next two weeks him to think about what and how he can change, what he really wants, and what he can really offer me. He is still calling me from his remote work site and we are friendly. I don't know how to proceed. I do want to be with him but only if things can be different. What actions should I take to let him know I am serious?

(Sorry for the length)


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If you want to get back together, get in counseling. Tell him you both messed up, need to change, and find a new way. Books might also be helpful. 

It sounds like you guys have a bunch of issues and need to communicate better. 

It can work if you both commit to it and eachother. It will be hard.


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

Anx - he has been doing PC for 2 months and said he would go to CC. But should we go through this as individuals or as a couple? I am afraid that letting him back into my heart so easily will only guarantee a repeat pattern??


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My story is in my profile biography if you are interested. 

My wife did PC while we were in MC.

You are right to not trust him and let him in without a guarantee of a repeat patern. This is a very common feeling. Unfortunatly, there is no guarentee. 

Make it clear what NEEDS to happen in the future. Also, be aware that he will mess up, we all do. Something small isn't a huge deal, but will bring intense emotions. Be ready to forgive some small things, but be firm about needs to happen and change.

Trust is very hard to rebuild. It will take time. I am happy now with my wife after 10 months of CC and 2 months of separation and we are both working on slowly regaining trust and finding a new way. I am very happy with my story now, but it is still hard at times.

CC is hard, an emtional rollercoster, and a mind f*ck at the same time. It can produce amazing results, and is worth it.

Stay strong and best of luck. It can get MUCH better.


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## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

Hey there,

It sounds like there is a lot going on and I agree with the other posts that you might want to seek professional counseling before moving forward. There are substance abuse issues and communication issues. It could also be that both of you feel vulnerable and scare to trust each other, and instead there might be a lot of passive/aggressive behavior going on. What I mean by that is if one person gets upset, instead of talking about it they just go out and do what they want without regard for the relationship, then regret that behavior and in turn it hurts the relationship and impacts the trust over and over again. 
It sounds like you both would benefit from really sitting down and working out the issues either individually or as a couple. It's easy to love someone but so hard to work through the issues. 
I wish you both the best!! 

~Kristin


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

kristinlloyd said:


> Hey there,
> It could also be that both of you feel vulnerable and scare to trust each other, and instead there might be a lot of passive/aggressive behavior going on. ~Kristin


I never thought of that before but I think there might be some secret passive-aggressive patterns in our relationship. This is the most important relationship of our lives and I think we both fear losing each other. The open and honest communication would definitely do wonders for stabilizing us. But I am still confused about how to proceed in the short term, before he returns from the diamond mine and before we get in to counseling together. Should we avoid communicating? When he tells me he loves me should I say it back or not?

I am just very cautious about continuing this pattern of breakup-make up! I feel that he takes me for granted and does not truly respect me. In general I don't think it is an abusive relationship because I feel comfortable saying anything to him and being myself. Even when he is intoxicated I do not believe he is capable of hurting me. But there is some type of control he has over me. The way he can go off partying with no concerns about me and show up only to charm his way back into my arms.

Is love enough? If I still feel very devoted and my heart is committed to him does that mean we have something worth fighting for? I feel like I want some assurances that things will be different. I am starting to get embarassed about our drama, I don't know how much longer my family or friends will put up with me!!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> But I am still confused about how to proceed in the short term, before he returns from the diamond mine and before we get in to counseling together.


 Call a truce. Be very careful with every word. Show eachother you love the other without talking. That means chores if thats what bugs him. Make past day to day issues non-issues. Sacrifce 20 minutes to make dinner if thats what bugged him. Thats the biggest thing you can do to show love. 

Promise yourself you won't argue with him. If it gets heated, slow everything down and ask to talk about it later.

My wife and I communicated by e-mail/txts/online chats when things were rough. It gives space, is less emotional, and was great for us.



> Is love enough? If I still feel very devoted and my heart is committed to him does that mean we have something worth fighting for? I feel like I want some assurances that things will be different.


 Yes love is enough. It is hard work though and will be rough at times. 
Trust is the hardest thing about MC. Ask him to tell you that he wants to work on it. This does not mean you'll be able to trust it, but at least you heard it from him.



> I feel that he takes me for granted and does not truly respect me.


 you need to be able to say things like this to him. He won't be able to fix it for awhile, but feeling listened to is usually most of the battle.

Tell him how you feel now when he calls so you can both start getting prepared. If you tell him you want to do MC, but think there is a lot of work to be done and you need him to step up to that work. It will mean a lot for him knowing he is coming home to hope, and he will be able to start to get ready for that.

Its a long process if you do MC. It took me 10 months and 2 months of separation.


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