# A question about sexual honesty



## Jax10 (Oct 22, 2012)

Okay. I have a question.

I was looking through the forums - in particular questions related to men wanting/wishing to do certain sexual things with their spouse (like anal sex, or sexual facials etc) and they were unsure if their spouse would be interested.

A lot of the advice, from women, seems to be "go ahead and ask" she'll say yes or no. And it is implied that the "no" was simply a "huh, interesting, but no harm in asking." And then you'll know. Some women are curious even and would be interested in the request or just interested in the asking. But some women were clear that they would not want to be asked and the husband must be a little off.

So knowing all women and all relationships are different how does one figure out what is okay to ask and what isn't? I mean, I think guys (or this guy anyway) needs the confidence that it really is likely to be that simple - she is or is not interested. But I don't want it to be worse than that. 

And by the way, I'm really asking about facials. I think I'd like to give one to her. Sorry if that is too crude. I honestly don't know if I would though. But I'd like her to consider it.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Yes each wife is an individual. Read your post to your wife and ask her to respond. Then you will know if she into honesty or if she wants to remain in the dark.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Or, talk about fantasies with her...I think preferably right after some awesome sex! Just put it out there and you should get some kind of feedback...one way or another. 

I don't "get" the whole facial thrill.... but I'm pretty sure my H mentioned it and said he wouldn't want to suggest anything that I might find degrading. But he gets that I'll try anything once and THEN decide. Besides, I squirt in his face OFTEN! It's only fair. 

Also, I think all the rolling around, emotional connection, passion, etc... leads to sweat and sex fluids being pretty much anywhere and sometimes everywhere...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

In my marriage, the way most of that came up was either in the moment or a conversation that started by reading/overhearing/etc. and bringing it up.

Never hurts to mention what you desire and why. Don't be afraid to get deep with the 'why' and if you assure her it won't change your love and reduce her to an object or receptacle, she might go for it. 

NEVER just surprise her, though.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just talking about







is great fun... talking about what others do...asking your partner questions....just being Open like that...you would be able to get an answer out of her -before you even asked.... 

If she is game to ask away on you too, you could use a Book to aid in this discovery >>

469 Fun Sex Questions for Couples: Ignite Your Desire With Hot Talk: 

Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered-For Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex: 

I am someone who loves the honesty, I don't want my husband to hide any of his desires, fantasies, whatever... I often wish he had more, his are rather "tame". 

I would not be "offended"... I understand people are all different....Men a little wilder generally ... we desire different things.....but that doesn't make any of us wrong, crazy, evil ....or anything of the sort, I know my husband has no interest in "facials"..... because I've ASKED him.

IF he was... I'd be game.... even though I don't personally "get' the allure .... I wouldn't be insulted by the request, I would he happy he felt he could bring anything to me. Some Fantasies can be out there, some involving "c0ckholding", 3 somes ... Just talking about them is no harm.. It's when a spouse starts to pout or insists one be carried out ... against the others wishes or personal boundaries...made to feel guilty for not pleasing... this is where the harm is....but not opening up.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try working up to it. Instead of going right to the facial you could instead ask her about somewhere else on her body. See how she reacts. If she doesn't want you finishing on her chest she for sure won't want it on her face.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

To me this is no big deal once in a while. My ex-bf got to the point where he decided he HAD to do it every single time we had sex.

Uh, no. That's a problem.

Semen in the eye is not pleasant.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm a guy, and I think facials are gross and disrespectful. That being said, if my wife ever asked, I'd give it a try, I guess. Good thing I don't think that will EVER happen.


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## Daisy69 (Feb 22, 2013)

Just ask her straight out. I always want to try new things but my husband is a freaking prude...you know how long it took me to get him to try doggie style, like 2 years...I'm not sure what that facial thing is but as long as it's NOT a dirty sanchez, I'm game to try it once, more if I like it


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Daisy69 said:


> Just ask her straight out. I always want to try new things but my husband is a freaking prude...you know how long it took me to get him to try doggie style, like 2 years...I'm not sure what that facial thing is but as long as it's NOT a dirty sanchez, I'm game to try it once, more if I like it


I actually Googled " dirty sanchez " and eewww i'll pass on that also without ever trying even once haaaaa


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Omgitsjoe said:


> I actually Googled " dirty sanchez " and eewww i'll pass on that also without ever trying even once haaaaa


Just made the same mistake....really wished I hadn't learned what it was!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Jax10 said:


> Okay. I have a question.
> 
> I was looking through the forums - in particular questions related to men wanting/wishing to do certain sexual things with their spouse (like anal sex, or sexual facials etc) and they were unsure if their spouse would be interested.
> 
> ...


So translation is you're scared of your wife's response? 

Rule number one of getting what you want from a woman is

DON'T BE A WIMP!!!

Seriously, I'm not saying to whip it out mid process and shoot it on her and watch her reaction. But just talk. What's there to be scared of?

"Hey honey, you know what I find REALLY hot. Facials. I'd love to turn this fantasy into reality".

Don't ask. Just leave it at that. Now she may say "NO WAY" or she may say "we could try that" or even "I don't know". 

Your wife may even surprise you by being non-commital in conversation and then just do it while giving you a BJ one time.

But DAMN MAN!!! Don't be scared to say ANYTHING to your wife (except things like "you're fat" or "I want to do your sister" those you should be scared, but not asking for a facial).


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> So translation is you're scared of your wife's response?
> 
> Rule number one of getting what you want from a woman is
> 
> ...



Just yesterday, I commented on some husband who wanted his wife to share her deep dark sex stories from her days before him just to get him hard.

I told him she would think it was a stupid idea because she didn't know exactly what kind of harm it might do to their relationship if he was suddenly turned off by something ("You actually had sex with a MIDGET!!!" Edit to add: Midgets need love too...but some men might still be a bit weirded out)

No, while the wonderful TAM women are all about honesty and openess in a relationship, and have been...hardened? Jaded? Exposed? to a huge wonderful world of sex and had time to come to grips with it (including, it seems, dirty sanchezes). Other women are...not so open minded...

And frankly, even this post proves it. A couple of posters (whom I do NOT blame at all) are flabberghasted at the idea of her husband asking for a dirty sanchez. From there, it is a very small step to 'Who the hell are you and what did you do with my husband?'

So husbandly reticence I fully understand on this front, because he will hear about that suggestion MANY times...and frankly, the wife, filled with trepidation for what new 'filth' her husband wants to engage in, may shut down to new sexual ideas.

Don't tell me it doesn't happen. It does. Maybe it isn't the women here...but the OP knows his wife best.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

After googling "dirty Sanchez" my first thought was to go back and amend several posts. But, upon further reflection, not that I would consent to it, I would be curious as to why this turned my husband on in the first place. 

Scat play, as they say, is an acquired ... Um ... Taste, so I would have to wonder what porn he was viewing and why he was not viewing said porn with me!


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Ask. My husband never would. It created YEARS of frustration on his end. I had no idea. He finally strayed. We are 6 months post D day. Now, he knows, all he has to do is ask me!!!! Talk to me! Let me know how he's feeling and what he wants.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

canadiangirl said:


> Ask. My husband never would. It created YEARS of frustration on his end. I had no idea. He finally strayed. We are 6 months post D day. Now, he knows, all he has to do is ask me!!!! Talk to me! Let me know how he's feeling and what he wants.


I don't mean to put anything on you, but why did he feel he COULDN'T ask? Did he explain the atmosphere which inhibited these conversations?


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

JCD said:


> I don't mean to put anything on you, but why did he feel he COULDN'T ask? Did he explain the atmosphere which inhibited these conversations?


My husband and I never fought. In fact, we never shared deep deep feelings. Crazy. So he had these desires and concerns and never felt like he could talk about them with me. He was so frustrated but I had no real idea. Maybe he thought he'd hurt me feelings? The point is that he ended up feeling so resentful that he strayed. But now, he know he just has to ask. I will do just about anything. I'll at least try. Now it's as though I'm way more HD. He's so so happy that I will initiate way more than him. I'm game every day! In fact, Im much more HD than him. 

He was so shy even after 22 years of being together. Just talk. And ask. And you shall receive!


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

When my H and I started dating I knew little about sex or even my own anatomy. It was an embarrassing topic for me.

He made me feel comfortable by explaining things to me, bringing out some sex books, looking at different positions, talking about how things felt. He made me feel comfortable in expressing myself and trying new things. 

Take her to a XXX store and help her pick out something, explore one thing at a time until she's ready for the more kinky stuff.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Jax10 said:


> ...But some women were clear that they would not want to be asked...


What gets their backs up is that after giving a NO answer, the man doesn't drop the subject. That's why some women sound defensive about being asked.

As you say you 'think' you'd like to try it, it sounds like you would respond fair enough if she didn't want to, and let it be. In which case, don't fear asking. In fact, you could always tell her it's a one off question and if it's a no then that's that, put her at ease.

Hope that helps


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## Jax10 (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks for all the feedback. So here is what I'm learning.

Women are interested and curious. In fact, it almost sounds like men make a bigger deal of this stuff than women (for example, in various blow job threads, guys think women swallowing is a big deal, but I don't know as a lot of women think it is, and as a result they are willing to just do it). But overall, women are probably not going to be offended by being asked. There are always a few that are wound pretty type (both men and women) but assume that those attributes are known and impact known boundaries.

So as long as I am comfortable asking, don't be too worried about how it will sound (assuming it is within normal, healthy boundaries. And yes, normal is defined as to each their own).

But no means no. Don't belabor it.

Pick the spot when to ask. Lots of good suggestions here on when.

One of the better comments I read was on a different thread where a poster essentially said - regarding why men want to come all over women's bodies, faces etc is because they just like to do it and if she had a ****, she probably would too. But that doesn't mean women really get it, or have to get it. It just is. I liked that perspective.

For whatever it is worth, my wife and I have a good sex life. Although as the kids have gotten older (and she and I as well) I am not too excited about the frequency any more. Not often enough! But when we have time, we have a good time.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts everyone.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bbdad, any chance of a history of abuse or sex assault in her past? Mentally ill or alcoholic parent? Brought up in a repressive religious house?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bbdad said:


> no sex abuse (so she claims), was in a physical abusive home. No mental illness, alcoholics or excessively repressive religious home.
> 
> Something happened that has shut her down. However, she doesn't see that it is an issue, so there is no reason to seek help.
> 
> I have asked her to talk to her dr about it, but she says, "why, I don't have a problem. It is your problem that you want sex. Anyway, the drs won't say anything is wrong either." That is the response I get every time I have asked her to bring it up with her primary care or ob/gyn. So, I just quit asking about that.


Ok, good input there.

My wife denied abuse to me several times when I asked directly. Then 25+ years later she tells me yes it happened and it was pretty bad. So the denial from your wife means nothing.

The physical abuse could be a bigger player than she or you think. But the bottom line is she has some kind of an issue and it is up to her to recognize it and seek to overcome it.

What you wrote does sound to me consistent with someone who has deep psychological side effects from childhood trauma, though obviously I'm not qualified to diagnose it.

You cannot tell an abuse survivor she is broken. She is unable to see it, and she fears it is true, all at the same time. What you can do is what it sounds like you have been doing, which is make the issue about the relationship meeting the needs and desires of both of you.

I am not very familiar with physical abuse but do have a fair amount of knowledge about how child sex abuse affects a woman psychologically. What probably is true with growing up in a physically abusive home is that she has some deep psychological trauma which makes it difficult or impossible for her to trust you or to be truly emotionally intimate. When you became her husband you crossed from category of boyfriend to _family_. You are now in the category of her abuser(s), even if she doesn't consciously make that connection it may be there emotionally.

Also, she experienced bad things when she was a child, so she interpreted them as a child. It literally changed the wiring in her brain and she does not have any kind of mature adult perspective on what happened or how it may have affected her.

Her entire perspective on what sex is within a marriage may be very very bent. Don't assume she has normal groundrules about sex.

So you can see you are not qualified to cure her. You are not her therapist. You can be kind to her, you can express your love and your sympathy. You can support her efforts to deal with her trauma. But she has to take on the task of dealing with it, and she needs qualified outside therapy.

The point of all this is *if* her issues are due to some form of childhood trauma things will not get better magically. You cannot nudge her, nor will normal tactics be effective. You need to really figure out what your needs and desires are, and what your line in the sand is. Communicate these to your wife as your needs and hopes for the relationship, but also a boundary. This is the same process for any major breakdown in a marriage and I think it is the approach you will need to use with her.

In your case some kind of statement along the lines of "I love you, I want to have a long and vibrant marriage with you. I am asking you to work constructively with me to identify the needs and desires we both have within a marriage. We have gotten too far down the wrong path and I am not able to continue without significant progress".

Those are slightly different words than I used with my wife, and I specifically said it was time to fix or end the marriage. You may or may not feel comfortable setting that specific of a consequence. In my case I believe it was constructive.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bbdad said:


> She states that a physical relationship is not important nor really needed in her life. So, if I want our relationship, I just have to accept that.


That is utter bs and she knows it. She may not want sexual relations but she certainly does know sex is very important. Here is how you prove it:

"Honey I understand sex is not important to you, and it is fine if you don't want or need sex. I would never want to force you to endure something which goes against your nature. However sex is important to me and it is part of my nature. I know you would not want me to endure a life which goes against this nature. Thus I will stop approaching you for sex and will find sexual fulfillment elsewhere".


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