# lost soul in need of advice



## a1234 (Mar 30, 2009)

I am completely lost and feel empty inside. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have one child. I love them both more than anything, but I have a problem. I continue to lie and be dishonest. 

This recently exploded when she found evidence I had been viewing porn on the internet. Although it was only for I month and I had stopped for a week with no intentions on returning, that didn't matter to her. Prior to the incident, she told me not to do it and how it would really hurt her. However, I did it anyway against her wishes.

The worst part is that she recently found it while trying to save a precious memory on the computer. So she went from a sense of pride to a sense of disgust and hate. My daughter also knows about it as well. She is a teenager and it hurts me deeply that she now sees me in a different light.

I have to leave the state for my job within a month and my wife says she wants a divorce and to move to a different state. This will make it impossible to see my daughter.

I now have the guilt that this memory for my family is tied to this terrible feeling. I am struggling to deal with the guilt that I ruined my family and I hate that I did that to my wife and daughter and I am lost as how to cope.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So then there is no forgiveness available from your wife? I am not excusing it, but no marital counseling, no room for failure? No considering the length of the marriage? Wow, she must no want to be married. What was the rest of your marriage like?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Use this experience and the intense guilt you feel now to motivate yourself to leave the porn alone. Now and forever, no matter the outcome. As IFTD asked, what are the other dynamics in the marriage? One error hardly equals the disposal of a marriage.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow! I honestly don't know what to say.....my husband did much worse and I was willing to forgive him. Of course, he wasn't interested. The forgiveness was for my own peace of mind. Your wife must be one tough person! Hope you have learned a valuable lesson regarding the porn.

Do you and your wife attend church? That's a great place to begin with the forgiveness issue. A minister could help here. I honestly believe more is going on in your marriage and this incident is the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Perhaps you could see a therapist either as an individual or a couple and get to bottom of your wife's dissatisfaction with the marriage.

Hang in there!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

OMG I wish that was the least of my problems! THIS is something to work on for sure she needs to not be so hard on you unless you are like a addict or something.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Even if it was an addiction, that's what they make counseling and sex addiction group sessions for. That's why they write books like "out of the shadows". But some people cannot forgive the slightest infraction.


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## SEH (Mar 2, 2009)

Obviously you have an addiction problem that can be treated with counseling sessions, as Initfortheduration has already mentioned. But what about trying to find solutions to this problem that is affecting your marriage tremendously? She is not willing to work it out? Saving her/your marriage is not important to her?


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Like what everyone said.. counseling could help you and your marriage to be saved. It will help you how to deal with your problems, and overcome them.. 
Show your wife that you're willing to change, and that you don't want to lose her and your daughter. And you have to be true to everything for her to believe you again. Don't let your marriage be broken because of this porn addiction.. it's a silly reason. Instead, drive yourself to sports.. healthier than browsing some sites on the net. And of course, pray.. 
Good luck.


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## a1234 (Mar 30, 2009)

Before everyone throws my wife under the bus I need to include additional info. First, this is not my first offense lying to her. The first time I was satisfying my own needs privately (not with another woman). When she found out she was hurt and said I should have come to her with this issue. Another time, I e-mailed a woman at school to borrow a text and lied about it. She was furious. These past incidents have made her paranoid over my every movement. Also, my communication skills are lacking as far as she is concerned. This has resulted in almost no intimacy for quite a while. I have tried to improve but have not achieved her level of satisfaction. She said this is the result of the lack of intimacy. She is really angry over this past incident and says it is over. She does not want to be hurt again. We have tried counseling before but she insists she doesn't need it. The problem is with me. Any advice.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Then the die is cast. Leave, learn from you mistakes. I am not throwing your wife under the bus. If you are not having sex with her. And you're not allowed to have sex with yourself. Then I would suggest chemical castration. That was a joke. If your wife is so rigid, then there's not much you can do. I pity your daughter. She will show your daughter what marriage is. And it is not a good example. Your wife will teach her to distrust men. She will be more likely to fly off the handle and the slightest infraction. It could very well sentence her to a very lonely life. Marriages are between humans. Humans are fallible. There are no perfect people and thus there are no perfect marriages. You may lack self control. You wife lacks forgiveness and grace. I am afraid hers is the greater sin.


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## a1234 (Mar 30, 2009)

Alright, I did forget to mention she would take care of my needs with alternative methods (hj). We tried it for a while but it does not appeal to me. What am I to do??


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

That is not taking care of you. Men judge the health of their marriage by the act of coitus. Women judge it by communication. If your not getting any and she not getting any communication. That is really not a marriage.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H would always say he was sorry, too. but then nothing changed. Im one of those types that thinks if a person says they are sorry, and does nothing about it but continues to lie, ya im out the door, too. What are you doing to change? You are on here, so that is a good step. but do you go to counseling on your own? Have you looked into suppport groups? Have you gotten books??? Researched online? put a site blocker on your computer? In the movie Fireproof, he takes his computer outside, smashes it with a hammer, and then puts a dozen red roses in place of his computer with a note to his wife that says, "I love you more." I actually cried. My H also has a porn problem. You might think of watching that movie and getting the book The Love Dare. There are so many things you could do. Actions speak louder then words.

My H and i also have a lack of intimacy because he liked to look at porn more then me. Even though he has stopped looking at porn, its hard for him to change gears to a 'real' person. So i can understand your frustration there. its taken a long time for us but he's made a lot of changes. he's very sweet to me now, emotionally there, goes to counseling, has gone to support groups, is reading books, and does a lot of other things that show me he's trying. He comes home sometimes and says, "i was reading an article about communication, what do you think about..." It really shows me his doing things to change.


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## WhatToThink (Mar 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry. Sex can be such an enjoyable, lively experience that can bring a couple very close together while they are expressing their love for each other. A good sex life is key in a relationship, unless BOTH partners prefer not to have a sex life. I do not see anything wrong with what you did. You were backed into a corner by her and then forced to lie about it. I am not trying to disrespect her in any way, but I do believe that it is a woman's duty to please her husband. Unless you were wanting her to engage in some sort of deviant sexual behavior, you did nothing wrong. Even so, my fiance and I have a wonderful sex life, we make love frequently, with a lot of passion, and we're both satisfied. Yet, we are both aware that on certain days when one of us is busy, or sick, or just plain tired, the other may satisfy themselves privately. And we are both okay with that. I really do think that probably no matter what you would have done for her, it never would have been enough. And no man can go without physical intimacy... and for ANY man, I'm pretty sure that a hj just wouldn't cut it.


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## a1234 (Mar 30, 2009)

I appreciate all of the advice and encouragement. I have read a few books, men are from mars, dr. Phil, etc.. and have attended counseling briefly. Any books you can recommend on improving communication? That seems to be my problem. I will just work on myself and see where that takes me.


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## tyrant (Mar 29, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> That is not taking care of you. Men judge the health of their marriage by the act of coitus. Women judge it by communication. If your not getting any and she not getting any communication. That is really not a marriage.



so true!! but a1234..i am glad dat you really wan to salvage your marriage and gain the respect bk..

i tink wat your wifey really dislike is you lying to her...

like i hate it when my hb lies..about even the most trivial things...so like borrowing a book from a lady...but you hide the truth..its worse...it will deem like an affair to a woman!!


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

a1234 said:


> I appreciate all of the advice and encouragement. I have read a few books, men are from mars, dr. Phil, etc.. and have attended counseling briefly. Any books you can recommend on improving communication? That seems to be my problem. I will just work on myself and see where that takes me.


When communicating with your wife, you just have to listen to her.. and give response to what she's saying. Just be honest.. and respect her decisions.
Well, I tried to look for some books in Google and I found some and hopefully it could help you rise your communication with your wife.. so here they are: 
Let's Talk It Over : Interpersonal Communication in Relationships
Relationships and Communication Activities

I hope it helps..
and good luck.


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## zwilson50 (Mar 26, 2009)

How are previous posters casting you as a porn addict after you admitted to watching porn for 1 month. That hardly sounds like addiction to me. Sounds like you have a real tough cookie on your hand. What did she think you were going to do without having sex? I'm sure she isn't taking any blame for the ruin of your marriage? You might be better off without her. However, the lying thing is always a deal breaker.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I wasn't talking about him being a sex addict. I only mentioned the book and counseling in regards to her options if she feels he is.


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## a1234 (Mar 30, 2009)

Thanks for the book info Kate, and all of the advice and support from everyone. This is a difficult thing, but I will try to stay positive and do the best I can.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

a1234 said:


> Thanks for the book info Kate, and all of the advice and support from everyone. This is a difficult thing, but I will try to stay positive and do the best I can.


Your welcome! 
I hope it goes well with you and your wife..
keep us updated!


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## DarthQuagmire (May 12, 2009)

i dont think theres anything wrong with being addicted to porn, is there? my wife knows I watch. Sometimes we both watch. Shouldnt you jut tell her your addicted and be done with it?


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

I am new here and probably shouldn't be handing out advice....but, I have to say that I think you should be forgiven. I think some people have "hang ups" about porn and sex - I don't understand that, but I know it's an issue for a lot of people. I have been with my hubby for 13 years - I do not care of he looks at porn. He can pleasure himself a hundred times a day if he wants. That doesn't change how he feels about me. Some people enjoy some things and others enjoy other things. 

Knowing that she would be upset would be the only thing I can see that you did wrong. And, for her to be upset is uncomprehendable to me. I associate it with self esteem typically - perhaps she feels low about herself? Either way she NEVER should have involved your daughter - shame on her for that.

Ur in a tough sopt and I wish you all the best.


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## beni (Nov 23, 2009)

oh god, poor you to have that unbelievable wife, my husband and i watch porn before sex to have some more turn on feelings, i watch porn often when my husband have to go away... maybe your wife need to talk with some other wives like me to see how normal this thing is, dont blame yourself, it's just 2 different world for you guys, hope you can find the way...


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