# Hubby Don't want me



## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

I hope someone has some advice to offer here, I have been browsing for awhile but finally got the nerve to just post it. I apologize now, It's a long story.

I am 31 yrs old, married to Hubby who is 33, and we have been married 9 yrs. My husband is a good man, a good provider, and a good dad, He is my best friend and I love him more then I can say. 

We have been thru some rough patches with his cheating on and off over the years, but have always tried to work it out. Therepist say its a sex addiction (strippers, escorts, streetwalkers, massage parlors, ect are his women of choice for the hr) and that may or may not be true. Regardless, we have worked on things and struggled so much to make it. Other then our sex issues, our marriage is really pretty good. Because of his cheating in the past, I take extra care is taking care of myself, and honestly think I look better today then the day we married. 

Now that you have a bit of background... on to the problem:

My husband doesn't want sex. Hardly ever. If it was up to him we might only mess around 1-2 times a month, and because its so long in between, it rarely last longer then a min. He does provide foreplay when I can finally talk him into it, but I miss having actual SEX. Once he orgasms, it's over. If I ask he will assist with a toy after, but I can tell his heart isn't in it and that just turns me off.

I have tried everything to ''spice things up''. In my efforts over the years to convince him to quit cheating ( I now know its nothing to do with me, but I thought it was at first) we have done everything. I have every book out there and tried it all, I watched porn to learn, took classes from pornstars in vegas, wigs, costumes, roleplay, trying out fetish's, threesomes, voyeurism, went to a few swinger clubs, strip clubs with him, ect. I mean there is literally nothing I dint give a whirl. Or if there is, I can't think of it. 

I am so lonely and horny just thinking of sex makes me want to cry. I don't understand how this has happened and what can make it better. My self esteem has been crushed because it hurts to know he has me at home willing to do anything at anytime for him, but he turns me down and then cheats. I don't think he is currently cheating, although it wouldn't surprise me, and our relationship has always been like this since a few months after marriage. But even if he isn't cheating now, it hurts to know he wanted them enough to pay them but turns me down when I throw myself at him. (And yes, I tried hard to get before too, after 2 months of no sex at all, I gave up, he didn't care either way)

I posted this somewhere else before, and everyone's first thought was I must be hideous. Well, I'm not. I'm 5'7, 120 lbs, slender and busty, I work out a few times a week, keep my hair done, I take care of myself, so this is NOT the problem. 

I try hinting around I am in the mood and he will ignore it, if I flat out ask he will sometimes comply but I can tell he is just not that into it and that ruins it for me. I hate having to beg for sex. It kills me there is a million men that would love to jump me and I throw myself at him and he just don't care. I don't know what to do. I am so lonely and it sounds awful but so horny all the time. 

I have a hard time orgasming by myself, like a REALLY hard time so it's kinda like if he don't help its not happening. I have always been faithful to him, even during the worst times when he was out screwing half the town, but I am honestly starting to think about cheating myself, then I feel so guilty for even thinking it. I don't want to go there but Idk what to do.

We have talked about this lots of times over the years. Sometimes he talks back and promises it will get better, and other times he gets mad, and sometimes he just ignores me. There just seems like there is no passion there anymore. And that's something that's really hard to fake. I HATE having to ask him for sex. It seems like 9 times out of 10 I bring it up, and then I have to talk him into it by going all out seducing and wearing a outfit every time, then spend all sorta time loving on him, just to get him to agree to sex, then he will finally do it, but its over in a min and idk, this is just awful. I WANT TO FEEL WANTED AGAIN. I want him to want me.

How do I get my husband to want me? Please help!

Keep in mind our relationship is really good other then the sex issue part (in my mind, his cheating is about sex, so that ties in here too). I sometimes feel like if he isn't cheating, he don't want sex at all. I do NOT think he is currently cheating though. But how do I live with my hubby wanting everyone but me? What is so wrong with me, dang it? How is it even possible that a 33 yr old man doesn't want sex? 
He is not gay. His hormone levels have been checked, and are fine. We have no problem discussing our fantasy's and such, just can't seem to get him to wanna do it. HE is always too tired. (his job is demanding, but even on weekends he rarely wants too). I really hope someone can help, I feel really stupid and embarresed just writing this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cannot get your husband to want you. As you said, you have tried everything.

Your husband prefers to cheat. You need to accept that this is who he is. You cannot make him want you. You cannot change him.

All you can is work on yourself. I'm not sure why you have stayed with him. Most people will not stay with a spouse who cheats, especially not a habitual, serial cheater who refused to have sex at home.

I think that you need to get into counseling for yourself and find out why it is that you are willing to put up with his constant humiliation from him. Find out why, when he is cheating, your reaction is to just look at what's wrong with you and try to make yourself into the kinds of women he seems to prefer.

And... get a good lawyer and file for divorce. You cheating will only debase you. Don't do it. First get a divorce. Then find a man who can actually love a good woman.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He's addicted to the chase or maybe to the 'new'. I don't think it has anything to do with you or your desirability of course the big question you have to ask is why do you want HIM?


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

I love him. As mentioned above, other then the sex issues, we have a really almost perfect life. We have 2 kids, and I have already pretty much faced up to the fact I am not going anywhere until they are grown. 
I read another post and it made me feel like I needed to add a few things. I don't feel I have a high sex drive and just want it more then he does. Does twice a week sounding like to much to expect? 

We have both been in counseling for years over the cheating / SA stuff. 

And yes, I agree with the thought that he just has to have something new to be turned on. But no matter what I do, I can't be new again 

Yesterday I put on a outfit and gave him oral, was hoping it would lead to sex, but nope, before I could take it further it was over. Then today I got out a bottle of oil and asked for a massage. He gave me a great back rub, but that's it. Didnt even try anything else even though I layed there waiting afterwards like a idiot. There has to be something that will make him want me. And if there isn't, why not? What the heck am I doing wrong?

My head feels all messed up. I don't understand how I can lay there all oiled up, naked and waiting, and get no reaction, but seeing ANY other chic has him ready to go. Seriously, against my therapist advice, I drove down to where the hookers in our town hang out, and I was blown away that he would choose THAT over any normal woman. It was seriously scary.

I had to Hand up the phone with my best friend today because she was complaining how her hubby wants it all the time and she is exhausted. I just had to get off the phone before I started crying. She knows my issue, and wasn't trying to be cruel, she was just venting. Sometimes it feels like every other women in the world is wanted but me, and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

He has some deep-seated problem a therapist needs to figure out. A number of guesses and some kind of emotional attachment issue.

Likely some misngynistic Madonna/***** complex going on too.

He can get off on bangin' 'slùts' and feeling dirty,,, but you're the 'good' wife,, even in your best whòre outfit. However hard you try,, you're not the genuine 'dirty' article.

Other whòre-loving types get their SOs doing the short skirt, no knickers thing round the house. Not yours. This is something different.

Maybe you've already tried, but it might work better for you to try and seduce him in a shapeless dress.

Your typical 2-minute 'whòre-banger' has intimacy issues and a dislike or hatred of women.

That your guy is otherwise decent means it's buried successfully and deep.

An overbearing mother is common to these types,, but by no means necessary or exclusive.

Very unlikely you'll find a fix for this without some intense, professional digging.

Will he go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Have a wade through this. You'll have to copy/paste and change the ò to an o.
http://madonnwhòre.com/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> He has some deep-seated problem a therapist needs to figure out. A number of guesses and some kind of emotional attachment issue.
> 
> Likely some misngynistic Madonna/***** complex going on too.
> 
> ...



I think this is sounding right too. Sometimes when complaining in therepy he will say I should dress up more, but at home, he tells me to wash that crap off my face (makeup) and prefers me in sweats and a ponytail and plain undies. He doesn't want me to work because ''women should take care of the home and kids'', even though it makes money tight. 
But sometimes I think its wrong because occasionally he will respond to the porn star persona (outfits, roleplay, dirty talk, ect) and other times it gets no reaction. It's like I should read his mood daily to know what he wants and I always get it wrong somehow. How do I know if today is a cotton panty or g string day in advance? If I ask I get no response, or even worse, he will tell me one thing, promise sex, then not do it once home cause he's tired. 

I just don't know. And we have both been in therepy for years, both separately and sometimes togeather. So what now?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

If you've been in therapy I'm surprised they've not picked it up,,, but if he's lying when he's in there,,,.


I can only guess as to why your 'best pòrnstar' look only sometimes works.

When he's particulary horny, he can flick a switch and (just) see the whòre instead of the wife/mother. He doesn't want to 'soil' you,, but the 'dirty' girl he can 'do',

That he's particularly horny and throwing his deceit switch when he does it, explains why it's over so fast. He wants it over before it's you again. That switch doesn't work too well,, barely well enough to get the deed done. Probably doesn't tell you to get the make-up off immediately afterwards,, preferring to believe the fiction rather than confront that he's 'defiled' his wife until he's distanced himself from the event.

I don't think there's anything you can do to fix this. Understanding it might help you emotionally,, but it's him that needs the help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why do you love a man who is a serial cheater and isn't capable of intimacy? Why do you think you're not worthy of the whole package? 

You don't need marriage counseling, you're wasting your money. You need individual therapy so you can understand why you hang onto the dead carcass of your marriage.


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

Again, I am in therapy and have been for yrs. I stay for a variety of reasons, like if we took the cheating and no sex thing awa, I woul honestly be married to the perfect man. After all these years, he still suprises me with flowers, or grabs my fav candy when he goes into a store, opens doors for me, helps around the house, He has never called me a bad name, we rarely argue, he is sweet and romantic but it doesn't lead to sex. 
I married him right out of high school. We have 2 kids and since he wanted me to stay home, I have no job skills. I couldn't support us right now if I did leave. Alimony is not a option (spoke with divorce attorney after last bout of cheating last year) and we are not rich, I wouldn't get enough from divorce to last more then a few months.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have snagged such a great guy. He honestly puts me on a pedistool and treats me like a princess... he just doesn't want sex with me, only with ''hookers''. So many women I know have told me they would LOVE to have my problem and get a good life and not have to have sex. I feel like I am wrong sometimes for wanting sex. 
Others have told me I would be crazy to give up a great life just because he has a quickie with a hooker or doesn't want to have sex. I know he isn't leaving me or developing a attachment to them.

I have been asked ''what if he was in some tragic accident, and couldn't have sex, would you stay with him then?'' how is this different?

I want to try to fix this marriage. Any advice on how to make things better and STAY in the marriage?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Honey, sweetheart, bubbalah, the very basic of love and respect is honor. Your man ain't got none!


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Just out of curiosity, did this develop after either of the kids or was it always there? Makes little difference to the result,, just looking for a mother bias.


I've skirted around the misogyny, but it's right at the heart of this. I don't doubt that he has you on a pedestal consciously, but his loathing is coming out in his cheating. It's disrespectful and dismissive of you, whatever the reason.

Just a little more antisocial and he wouldn't just be bànging the hos,, he'd be burying them in a desert. Many of those types have OK marriages, with various degrees of dysfunction.

He's no danger (unless he turns to alcohol or drugs) but make no mistake, a loathing of womankind is at the root of this.

I'm tempted to join AP and suggest you just give up and run - or find a FWB - cuz there is no easy fix to this. Even with a good therapist - one who'd investigate MWC instead of branding him a sex addict - undoing misogyny is as near-impossible as changing somebody's gender preference. 

Since you seem determined to keep trying, all I can do is give the best info I can for you to make decisions with.

I'm 90% sure that, if you stay, your sex life will never improve. You could cheat yourself, but that would destroy your pedestal status,, and I doubt he'd be as forgiving as you've been. You'd become a 'whòre' too. Maybe you'd get some angry sex like the others,, but more likely he'd kick you out and find another saint.

All things considered, you leave or face the fact that what you have now is about as good as it ever will be. Lengthy sessions with a good therapist might put the lid on his cheating and give him mental tools to help him have a bit more sex with you - but to see and appreciate you as a 'hot' wife,, I don't see more than a 10% chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

When did it start? We had sex like rabbits (good sex too) until 3 months after marriage when I became pregnant. During pregnancy, he didn't want sex because he might ''hurt the baby'' even though doc explained he wouldn't. Then for the first few months after, I didn't care much for it with new baby, but about 4 months after baby was born and I got my drive back I started trying with no luck and its been downhill every since. I know the cheating started around year 2 of marriage (that I can prove anyway, if I can't prove it, it never happened in his book), and has been a off and on again thing that escalated over the years (first massage parlors, then strippers, then CL, then escorts, then street walkers) Last time He was caught was about this time last yr. 
There have been a few times we kinda had betrayal bonding type sex right after he was caught, and it was good, but it only ever lasted about a week then its back to no sex. On Average, I say he wants it maybe once a month, and will give in and do it anyway (pity sex imo) maybe once a week if I am lucky.

Oh, worth noting is that I had a child before we married from another man. I have never had anything to do with this man and my hubby has officially adopted this child, since he has raised her since birth anyway. So it started after I had HIS baby. I was already a mom when we were dating, but maybe he didn't see it like that, idk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are caught in a situation where on one hand your husband appears to treat you very well. That’s him keeping up an outward appearance of being a good guy. It makes him feel better about himself. But then there is the other side of him, the side the grossly disrespects you, that chases after low-life women. That part of him is more who he is then the good-guy act he puts on around you. 

He does not have sex with you because you are part of the fake act that makes him feel better about himself. So he keeps the good husband part of him away from the ***** chasing bad guy.

Of course he does not want you to work. He does not want a woman who has the ability to make her own choices. Look at your concerns about leaving him. You cannot survive financially. He has you right where he wants you, dependent and having to put up with the huge daily insults of a husband who does not want you.

You think he’s your best friend. But he’s not. You don’t even really know who he is. He’s an abusive man. Very emotionally abusive.

I’m rather surprised that there are women telling you to that you should just live with it and enjoy the good things he provides. Do you realize, for example, that he is putting your life at great risk? The chances of him giving you a STD is HUGE. Have you ever been tested? 

If you are hell bend on staying in this marriage for now, I suggest that you start to open options for yourself. Go back to school to get either a degree or some kind of skills training. Start working on being able to support yourself. Until you do he has you trapped and can treat you any way he wants.


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

Yes, We both get tested on a regular basis. Since his activity has always been with ''hookers'', it's always been protected but I know there are still other risks so we go twice a yr anyway and of course anytime I have found he has been unfaithful has lead to additional testing. 
This last bout of cheating with the streetwalkers was pretty much a changing point for the both of us. Call me crazy, but I honestly don't believe that he WANTS to like that stuff. I can see the shame and torment. Therapy has helped a lot, and its been almost a yr since there has been a relapse. He started daily workshops on recovery nation and we are doing well with that aspect of things, I only mentioned the cheating because I felt it important to give the whole story for good advice. 

What advice would you give me if we took the cheating out of the equation and this was just a faithful man who didn't want sex?

And yes ELEGIRL, sometimes I have sure felt I didn't know who he was. That's all wrapped up in the addiction though I think. The man I know vs. the addict he is. He is 2 different people wrapped up in one. I know a lot of people use SA as a excuse, but in this situation, he really is one. Doesn't make it right, but it still the truth.

FlyingD: your thoughts interest me. He holds his mother in very high regard when he speaks of her, but I have never met her. She passed away when he was 17, leaving him to care for his brother and sister who where 16 and 15. Dad ran off with some women when his mom got sick, so even before then he was working, going to school, taking care of sick mom, ect for about a yr before she passed. His sister was always called a ''****'' by him since she slept around a lot. Sister commited suicide last year. No other family to speak of except for brother, and he is a drug addict so we don't have much to do with him either. 
Makes it hard sometimes. I was raised by my great grandma because my parents were addicts and died young too, so we have no family really left. I would give anything for my kids to have grandparents, or even some help from time to time so I could get out of the house for a bit by myself. It sucks to so rarely have help with the kids, and holidays are lonely for us all, but we make the best of it. This may be another reason I stay... we are literally all each other has.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Little doubt then that seeing you with the big belly (etc) has triggered/unleashed it.

It changes little. I doubt that mother image and the root misogyny can be undone.

As you've already discovered, any improvements are short lived.

I'm not sure that all his deceit is conscious, but it's still deceit and if it's become 'who he is' it just makes unravelling him harder.

This is a 'core' thing. Much harder to treat than something like a shoe fetish. However nice he may be, the underlying hatred is exposed by his cheating.

We can't see into his massage parlours, but I'd bet the sex would be some degree of violent/rough - another reason he struggles to do it with you.

Stick around for more of the same (including the STD risk mentioned above) or go find a truly decent guy who'll appreciate your curvy 5' 7" and pornstar moves. With that at home, regular guys won't have a need for whòres,, or any other women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brandybiz said:


> What advice would you give me if we took the cheating out of the equation and this was just a faithful man who didn't want sex?


Some people can live in a sexless marriage. Some cannot. 

I was a in a marriage that turned sexless, his choice. Eventually I left. The felling of being constantly rejected was more than I could take.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I can't state with certainty that your therapists are wrong cuz I've not spent hours speaking to him.

That said, I've not encountered or heard of a 'sex addict' - a non-specific diagnosis awaiting causes and specifics - who, when he has sex with his SO, can't give her a good seeing to. They LIKE sex and they get a lot of practice. Entirely different than angrily banging a pro' for 2 minutes.

I'm sure your hubby is emotionally torn,, but lots of 'bad guys' with issues are. The better ones give up their fantasies for the sake of their partners and families. Those that can't, outside of mental illness, can't because they don't want to. Your hubby seems to be in control of all his other actions. He's not mentally ill.

Your what if question is kind of irrelevant, cuz that's not your relationship. IF he gave up the pro's you'll still get the cràppy sex, maybe a bit more of it. If he practises with you it may even get a bit better. No way to tell until he gives them up. 


If he were a different guy - no cheating, no sex - I can't give you a better answer than Ele's.

What I strongly suggest you do, is read up/Google the Madonna/Whòre Complex,, cuz the more you tell the more it fits,, then discuss it with your own therapist,, for confirmation or to rule it out before taking it to hubby. If he's REALLY torn, he'll be happy with a specific diagnosis and course of action, rather than the (incorrect IMO) 'umbrella' term of 'sex addict'.

If you want to give the guy a chance, give him the best one available.

That earlier link was just a link to a book. Sorry, only read the top of it. Should be loads of links to a well known complex. Have a good look cuz I've barely touched the basics and my typing thumb is getting numb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So you've been in sex addiction therapy with him but the idea of a Madonna ***** complex is new to you?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

brandybiz said:


> Yes, We both get tested on a regular basis. Since his activity has always been with ''hookers'', it's always been protected but I know there are still other risks so we go twice a yr anyway and of course anytime I have found he has been unfaithful has lead to additional testing.
> 
> This last bout of cheating with the streetwalkers was pretty much a changing point for the both of us. Call me crazy, but I honestly don't believe that he WANTS to like that stuff. I can see the shame and torment. Therapy has helped a lot, and its been almost a yr since there has been a relapse. He started daily workshops on recovery nation and we are doing well with that aspect of things, I only mentioned the cheating because I felt it important to give the whole story for good advice.
> 
> ...



When it comes to his true desires, he associates you with shame and them with acceptance. I'm not necessarily recommending this, but it seems like the trick might be getting into the seedy part of society....meet him where he is, you know? Keeping in mind that even that probably won't work. Has he ever seen the same ho twice?


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

Flying: We HAVE had great sex before. there has been times when it has lasted a few weeks, and when he TRIES, the sex is great. The problem is getting him to want it so he will try in the first place. He knows HOW to get me off, but when I can tell he is just kinda ''doing it for me'' it feels like pity sex or whatever and turns me off, so I don't even want it. I want him to want me.

Faithful: We have talked about our parents and upbringing in therapy, but no, no one has ever mentioned he might have mommy issues or a Madonna complex. I plan on asking my therapist about it next week to get her thoughts. I spent the night researching it, and some things seem to fit, but others don't, so I am just not sure that's right.

As for has he ever seen the same girl more then once? Rarely. It's come out in therepy that what he looks for is easy convienece. So if the same girl was there and ready, he wouldn't pass her by but he wouldn't seek her out either if that makes sense.

Lots of advice say to leave him or learn to deal with it, but I feel it's based off of the cheating aspect. I am starting to regret mentioning it. He is not currently cheating even though he has in the past, and using it against him isn't fair now that we have agreed to try to move forward. We would never get anywhere if I dwelled on what he has done before. I can only look at where we are now... and that is in a loving but sexless marriage. Can anyone help me figure out how to get my husband more interested in sex with me?

A friend has a interesting theory that maybe he see's sex with me as ''work'' (I mentioned that it takes time and effort to get me off, right?) and if I don't get off maybe he feels less ''manly''. So perhaps he see's escorts because it's easy sex and he can just bang and run, an not worry about making it good for him. I hope I explained that right. 
His sessions with escorts are always quick and to the point, in and out in less then 10 min. When I first caught him doing it, I caught him by finding him browsing the ads on backpage, when he left later that day and then showered when he got home, I checked the ads, then called the numbers and pretended to be another provider and said ''he gave me there info as a reference. Could she verify him for me? He wasn't a cop? Everything went well? '' I spoke to two different girls he seen this way two different times. Both told me he was ''quick and easy, and a great guy''. One girl wouldn't ''verify'' him for me so idk about that one. 
So I don't think he is having ''angry sex'' with the other girls either, its just normal sex. I wish he did like rougher sex, he knows that a fantasy of mine but told me he isn't into it. Thoughts?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its time to move on!

you know it and are just in denial!

I have confidence you will snag a much better man when you do.

good luck.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

Wow, reading all your posts, you have done everything you can do. Maybe he just isnt that into you anymore and doesnt want to have sex with you? I'm not saying you are unnatractive. I am saying he maybe doesnt find you attractive. 

He is obviously getting all the sex he likes. I dont understand how you can still be so in love with such a cheater who cant even make love to his wife? 

If you accept that he will always be a cheater, ask yourself if you can be in a sexless marriage until your kids grow up? If you cant, then its time to get out of that marriage because honestly I think you can do so much better.


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

MysticTeenager said:


> Wow, reading all your posts, you have done everything you can do. Maybe he just isnt that into you anymore and doesnt want to have sex with you? I'm not saying you are unnatractive. I am saying he maybe doesnt find you attractive.
> 
> He is obviously getting all the sex he likes. I dont understand how you can still be so in love with such a cheater who cant even make love to his wife?
> 
> If you accept that he will always be a cheater, ask yourself if you can be in a sexless marriage until your kids grow up? If you cant, then its time to get out of that marriage because honestly I think you can do so much better.


There has to be something I haven't thought of or tried. Some condition that hasn't been tested for. Some way to make him less ''tired''. Something. He has proven he likes sex just fine with everyone else, so it must be something I am doing wrong.

He is not ''getting all the sex he likes''. Again, he is NOT currently cheating and has not to my knowledge in about a year. 

I haven't ''accepted that he will always be a cheater''. We have spent years in therapy and workshops and classes to STOP the SA behavior and move past it. It hasn't been easy but we are trying. Right now, other then our sex issue, we are doing the best we ever have been. 

I understand everyone is trying to help, and I apprechiate that. I am getting frustrated though because everyone seems to be hung up on his cheating in the past. He is NOT currently cheating.... cheating is not our issue right now. I could be crazy for staying with a serial cheater and I know that, but telling me to leave the ''cheater'' who isn't cheating seems insane to me. Is it just the mentaility that once a cheater, always a cheater? Is there no hope or faith here? 
Does everyone who has ever had a cheating spouse get told they should leave? Is my marriage unrepairable because he cheated? I thought this was a sex help forum, and I need advice on sex, not on cheating.

I apologize if that came out wrong, it is not my intention to be rude, but I feel like I am not getting my point across properly here. Can anyone help make more sense out of this for me? Maybe I am sensitive and just taking these remarks wrong. Mysticteenager this is not all directed at you, so please don't take it that way.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I believe the statistics about divorce in marriages where one spouse is a serial cheater are pretty clear...the odds are not in your favor to "fix" this.

I'm still surprised that you have had all this sex addiction therapy experience yet you haven't heard of Madonna wh*re syndrome.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

he cheats and you still think he's a good man. A good man dont cheat, he make you happy....sorry.

Some of the stuff members say here are great, no matter how great a family is or situation are, when there is no sex, it's 90% of the problem. A jail is made out of gold, it's still a freakin jail.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

This is hard for me, but I can somewhat relate to what your going through and why you haven't left.

My husband hasn't physically cheated on me (that I know of) However has done a lot of things that have landed him in jail and leaving me wondering what is wrong with me. 

I met my husband at 22 and was pregnant within 6 months, we too had sex like rabbits. Once pregnant, he changed and also didn't want to hurt the baby. 

Biggest mistake I ever made was letting him watch the birth, he no longer viewed me with any sexual desire (I was the mother to his child) 6 weeks after giving birth he was put in jail for exposing himself to a woman before long he had a couple more different incidents all around wanting women. 

I too did everything possible to make myself more appealing, sexy etc. it seemed like I got his attention after 3 years and he wanted me, I should have realized it was because he wanted another baby, I cried and said I wasn't so sure this was a good idea and that I cant go through anymore incidents. 

He talked me into it and 8 weeks after delivery, he got himself in trouble again and ended up going away for a year, each incident was sexual in nature but he did not rape anyone or have sex with anyone.

I was young with 2 children and co-dependent on him for my happiness. My husband got in trouble 5 times , we wont count the things he did without getting caught by the law. When I hit about 30 our sex life was pretty much non-existent (maybe twice a year with a lot of begging and crying).

He went to therapy and classes and I realized this was him and not me, but never the less, I took all of the blame for having a husband who now no longer gets in trouble with the law but lives for porn 24/7 and wont touch me. 

I hit 40 and it was like something in me just snapped, A man told me I was beautiful and instead of not hearing him I believed him and my confidence sparked, I started to allow men's compliments and enjoyed being checked out. 

Long story short I cheated on my husband, I placed an add to have sex and nothing more, I had sex once and he found out.

I truly believed he could give a rats ass, he had told me cheating was a deal breaker and I guess I was at a point in my life that I justified my behavior and risked it anyway. After all he decided that I should be in a sexless marriage. right?

Wrong, I have never witnessed someone being so ugly, angry and mean, He had put me on this pedestal that I was this wonderful woman and how could I do this to him....

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done going through reconciliation and he told me he was going to make my life a living hell. 

After 2.6 years he started to understand what happened and why, we now have a wonderful sex life, we communicate better than ever, but the cost was high, I gave up my morals and they were high, I have no freedoms, no friends, I cry a lot, I look back and cant believe I stooped to that level, I'm angry with myself and I'm angry at him for ignoring me.

My point is, you can keeping living with the way things are, you will break and be filled with resentment and bitterness, you need to be prepare to leave him if he isn't willing to get to the root of his problems (mine had huge mother issues that he still wont admit to)

If I had it to do over I would have left him 20 years ago, I love him with all my heart and fight for us every day. You cant change him, you learn to live with it and ignore or you leave.

It chips away at your soul.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_veryone tells me how lucky I am to have snagged such a great guy. He honestly puts me on a pedistool and treats me like a princess... he just doesn't want sex with me, only with ''hookers''. So many women I know have told me they would LOVE to have my problem and get a good life and not have to have sex. I feel like I am wrong sometimes for wanting sex. 
Others have told me I would be crazy to give up a great life just because he has a quickie with a hooker or doesn't want to have sex. I know he isn't leaving me or developing a attachment to them._

Who is telling you all of this and why are you listing to them?

Also if you won't leave him for cheating on you taking money from your family to pay for sex then denying you sex. 

What will make you leave? When will you say enough is enough?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Brandi - NOBODY displays every reported symptom of a disorder, syndrome, complex or physical illness. If they did, we wouldn't need doctors or psychiatrists to figure out what's 'wrong' with people.

NOBODY fits a list of criteria about what it is to be 'normal' either.

Just as 'normal' people have a whole host of values, preferences, opinions and behaviours,, so do people with recognisable disorders (etc).

Top of the list for a M/W Complex is a pattern of sex with pro's/'bad girls' while struggling to have sex with partner/mothers.

I'm sure there are 'sex addicts' who also have that issue,, but it doesn't appear in the 'common criteria'. Take a look.

Symptoms of Sexual Addiction | Psych Central

You say your therapists have pointed out that he's tempted by "easy convenience",, yet they seem to have missed that the easiest and most convenient is YOU.

You're not a reluctant/LD/prude wife,, you're ready, willing and able.

Occasionally having great sex is all but meaningless when you report that the norm is no sex or reluctant/pity sex that you don't enjoy,, beyond that it's better than no sex at all.

In order to do just that, he's having to throw all his mental switches while having you made up like a tràmp.

Each person being different, a 'normal' example of this is difficult, but I'll try this. On a good day, normal couples just click and they have great sex. If one partner is feeling a bit 'off', they might fantasise about some 'hot' celebrity to get themselves more into it. The partner who's already into it might detect the reluctance and put a bit more effort in. For a guy, that might mean thinking about sports so he can last longer till his W/GF catches up. People throw these conscious, mental switches all the time. For 'normal' people, they might only need them for a minute to get over a hurdle.

Your hubby's hurdle(s) are the height of a pole-vault bar. He needs you to dress up like a slút before he can even start on his other switches AND he needs to keep them in the 'on' position for the duration or he loses degrees of interest. That's why he's so frequently reluctant,, cuz he has to throw and sustain all his switches to 'pretend' that the mother of his child is a whòre. He doesn't need to make all that mental effort for a real whòre,, so that's where he goes for easy sex he can enjoy.

Essentially, the best sex is that where everything 'just clicks'. The more switches we have to throw to get into it, the less enjoyable and the more of a chore it becomes.

At the extreem end of this are the people with disorders/complexes/deep issues. People who can't have sex until all the planets are alligned and stay alligned for the duration. 'Normal', happy couples only have to deal with Pluto wiggling around a bit,, or the kids running around might knock Jupiter off its axis,, but for the most part they stay in allignment. Your hubby's solar system rarely alligns. Nor does it stay alligned for long when it does. Neither does yours, because you detect 'pity sex' and it throws you out of allignment.

The sad thing is,, you're still looking to find fault with yourself for what is obviously his problem.

One can understand, if not excuse, an HD partner cheating on a LD/frigid one,, but that ain't you, Brandi.

Your only 'flaw' is seeking to find fault with yourself for this. Hardly surprising with him stating (or implying) that you just ain't slútty enough while your team of therapists have apparently missed how 'easy' and 'convenient' you are. Subliminally, if not obviously, that HAS to convey to you that you aren't easy or convenient enough. That's poor practice. They're blaming the victim (unintentioally but inexcusably) while giving him the wishy-washy non-clinical diagnosis of sex addiction.

You told me yourself after I asked that this began after you had children. I don't get how they can miss or dismiss this as a significant factor when all the surrounding behavioural issues are taken into consideration.

This is not your fault or your doing, Brandi. Indeed, only a saint would put up with it. What he needs - what you both need - is a specific diagnosis (whether it be M/WC or not) and a treatment plan. That's what you pay them for. You can have cosy chats with friends for free. Your professionals need to justify your expenditure - to include making it abundantly clear that this is his 'issue' and not any fault of yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe I'm not understanding.... I get the not cheating now part, but IF he is a sex addict, and has been all these years..... wouldn't he have sex with his wife OFTEN? Plus run around having other sex partners? 

Is he on some medication that lowers his desire/drive? 

This isn't on you. It's not about you. Whether its the madonna/wh*re thing, or mommy issues.... whatever it is it isn't YOU. 

IF you put the cheating in the past, then you still have to consider being married to a man who has no desire for you sexually. That is a biggie. I can't imagine years and years of that. (Well, I can't imagine weeks.) 

So people saying you should leave him.... well, you've given more than one reason why you should. You haven't given any reasons why you shouldn't. It can't just be because he's nice to you. For one thing, there are zillions of nice men out there who enjoy monogamy. NICE men just don't ignore their wives' NEEDS. Nice men communicate and WANT their partner to be happy.... mentally, emotionally, and sexually. A man who ignores or refuses to meet these needs is NOT being nice to you. 

What does your therapist say about you staying in this sexless (for you) marriage? 

One more thing.... IF you are staying, why not just forget about the sex. You are so forgiving of his faults, why don't you just let go of the idea of having sex with him? Quit counting on it. Turn your efforts elsewhere. Even if you don't want to get yourself together to leave him, pouring your energy into your own self is productive and could help you mentally. Since his not wanting you isn't even about you, let it go and just go to college, create a career, focus on other aspects of a decent life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brandybiz said:


> There has to be something I haven't thought of or tried. Some condition that hasn't been tested for. Some way to make him less ''tired''. Something. He has proven he likes sex just fine with everyone else, so it must be something I am doing wrong.


You have tried everything that you can think of. If there was something that he needs from you, HE has to tell you. That’s his job as your husband. You should not have to read his mind and try 10,000 different things.

It’s not you. It’s him. The sooner you accept that, the sooner the two of you can handle this. There are two reasons that I can think of why your husband does not want sex with you 1) it’s the Madonna ***** thing. Or 2) Underneath is all, he’s resentful and angry at you. But he will not tell you this. Instead he withholds something that is you really want to punish you.

Have you read the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”? I think that the two of you would benefit from them. It seems that with all the counseling you have done, the two of you have yet to learn how to really communicate with each other. These books should help with that.


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## brandybiz (Nov 19, 2014)

Thanks for the input. I guess I struggle with the him now vs. the him then. When he was acting out (seeing hookers) it was easy to think he just didn't want me because he was getting it everywhere else. That made sense. After spending time with porn, then hunting them down online, or hrs driving around searching for streetwalkers, then the act itself, by the time he made it home, he was tired. During his active addiction, he displayed LOTS of symptoms on that list. He is just not doing them now because he is trying to get better. NOT saying it was ever ok for it to be like that, but I at least thought I knew WHY he didn't want me then. 
He started what I consider to be his ''real'' recovery after several false starts last year. Part of doing that was starting with 30 days of no sex, ok, I understand, they were trying to turn off his sex switch. Then after that I guess I thought he would turn to me to fulfill his sexual needs.. but then it seemed he never had any. Its almost like the therepy worked TO well, because now he doesn't want sex at all. We were arguing last night about this because he turned me down again, and he even said... ''I spent all this time and money being told NOT to have sex and now your *****ing cause I don't have sex enough, I can't win''. 
Feel like I can't win for losing. Of course I wanted the sex with others to stop, I just didn't relize that meant it would mean sex with me would stop to. On the other hand, it may just be a excuse, I am not sure. All I know is I am so unhappy and miserable and I don't know what to do anymore to make it better. This sucks. 
I hear that it is NOT my fault from everyone, but that doesn't change the way I feel, and I feel like if I could just figure it out I could fix it. If I just did X , that it would make everything all better. I guess it just hopeless. I tried everything to get him to quit cheating to, and nothing worked till he hit rock bottom being caught with a streetwalker. I want so badly to think that things can be better, His SA behavior IS better, but it seems I have just traded one set of problems for another.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe he has had to work to turn off the sex drive so hard that he cannot trust himself to switch it back on now. Kinda like and alcoholic taking just one drink... it will most likely throw them back into drinking.

Or maybe, going back to the resentment/anger idea, maybe he resents you and is angry at you because you took his preferred type of sex away from him. With a sex addict there is a need for the ritual that they follow.. the searching for someone to meet up with, the secrecy, sneaking around behind your back, that all adds to the excitement. He needs this ritual, the chase, to get excited. When he's excited all kinds of good brain chemistry happens and he feels a high. Well you took that high away from him. He cannot do the chase (the ritual) any more.

Sexual gratification is mostly between our ears. That's why the chase can be more important than the final act.

Another thing to think about with sex addiction.. usually sex addicts escalate over time. They have to keep upping the risk to get the thrill. He was at a point where he needed a certain amount to risk/excitement. Well perhaps now he needs that next higher does and you cannot do that for him. And how he is pissed at you because you took his fun away. Now he cannot tell you that he's pissed because you are the Madona, the good wife. How could ne possibly express his anger over this to you. So he does it through actions... by withhold sex. He's punishing you.

The only think I can think of is for you to play hard to get. Let him start chasing you, if he will. Create a 180 of your own. That means that you behave in a manner completely different than you have been. Look good. Look sexy but ignore him. Let him have to be the one who chases you.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

This enters a complicated area, but I'll give it a whirl.

Sex denial is a treatment for LD/cheaters. The theory being, any horniness will have to be relieved with the SO. Once you get the couple having sex again, the hope is that a positive (re)start leads to a cycle of positive reinforcement and their sex life improves.

The flaw in treating your hubby that way is two-fold.

- 1). There's NOTHING the matter with his drive.


- 2). (The complicated bit). While cheating, with pro's or regular women, is bad,, it's also fulfilling the reason behind part one of the 'denial theory'. By scrèwing the pro's, he at least gets the reminder and positive affirmation that he can perform. You are RIGHT that the abstinence has turned off his 'sex switch',, but it was this particular switch that enabled him to have sex with you AT ALL.

Recent memories/reinforcement of his ho bànging was what made it easier for him to flick the other swiches I mentioned and turn you into a temporary ho.

Net result, he now has to flick an additional, BIG switch to get to the place he was at before - throwing the other switches that allowed him to include you among his whóres.

Denial is a tried and tested treatment for LD and cheaters, but your hubby isn't LD and his cheating is a by-product of a deeper issue.

Frankly, I support your hubby being píssed off about it. You should be furious too. Just like in medicine, misdiagnosis leads to ineffective treatment. Viruses and bacteria can produce identical symptoms, so a competent doctor does further tests. Your therapists have prescribed antibiotics without doing the requisite digging.

There's no way you or your hubby, unless you work in mental health, can be expected to figure this out. In this particular instance, neither of you are to blame. It was the right cure for different problems than yours.

I don't think I'm wrong with my M/WC,, but I could be. Whether a 'mommy' issue or not, it has SOMETHING to do with you, and seeing you as a whòre/somebody else helps him have sex with you.

I doubt this'll help undo the additional problem of the sex denial on top of all the rest but, while your therapists flap around for a better plan, try this if you haven't already.

The most distinguishable identifier of an individual is their face. If he needs you to be somebody/anybody else, hide your face and hair. Variations of dòggy-style, wearing a wig. Blindfold him with a sleeping mask. He'll still have to throw switches to pretend it's not you, but your face is the biggest,, your voice another. If you're REALLY LUCKY, you might get a good result from some silent fumbling, though likely the denial has robbed you of the small chance of a temporary improvement. No harm in trying though, and nobody can dispute that you're a trier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm thinking that yo have several things to do.

1. Get a job, any job you can find. You need to build up proof that you can work in the world. 

2. Control the finances better. If he has cash to go spend on *****s, then there is money for spousal support.

3. Pursue a divorce. If it were me? I'd leave him, he is not worth it.


4. take care of your own pleasures and refuse to be intimate with him. needing to get tested regularly in a marriage is shocking to me.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

brandybiz said:


> There has to be something I haven't thought of or tried. Some condition that hasn't been tested for. Some way to make him less ''tired''. Something. He has proven he likes sex just fine with everyone else, so it must be something I am doing wrong.
> 
> He is not ''getting all the sex he likes''. Again, he is NOT currently cheating and has not to my knowledge in about a year.
> 
> ...


It is great that you are trying so hard to fix things. This isnt only about the cheating. If you have been in therapy for years, surely they would have picked up on his supposed medical condition?

People who cheat can move on and be forgiven. I personally wouldnt immediately file for divorce if my H had cheated. 

From what you have said, I feel like your husband just doesnt want to have sex with you that often anymore. If you cant get him to talk about WHY he can have sex with anyone it seems, but not his own wife? Why cant he speak to you about whatever is going on or flat out straight he doesnt want to have sex with you? Why is he treating you so well or like a princess as you put it, but will barely even have pity sex with you? It is all just crazy to me.

When will you say enough is enough? How much longer can you fight for him? Can you and are you willing to be in a great but sexless marriage?

These are questions you need to answer or figure out.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Flying Dutchman has some great insight & is saying some of the thing my husbands therapist used to say to me/us. It gave me a better understanding of what was going on in my husband head. (right, wrong or indifferent)

It is truly a difficult place to be and 99.9% of the people wont understand why you stay. I'm sure this has been the only place you have been able to share with anyone. I think for me, my husband really is a good man who is filled with empathy for the pain he caused me, I always felt like if I left him, I would be another person that abandon him.

I know he truly wanted to stop doing these things that hurt me, it would become a vicious cycle, of him doing something, him getting caught, feeling bad and filled with self loathing, me being angry/hurt, him making lots of promises that he could not keep as the pull was just to strong.

It has been years since he has acted out, I have been able to get him to tell me when he feels an urge and we talk about it. Not many woman would tolerate this behavior, they would wonder what is wrong with you that you feel the need to take on the blame for his dysfunction. 

Our life together hasn't been an ideal situation, however I truly believe we have gotten to a place where his fetishes don't own him and he is able to talk with me about them, we have become closer than ever. 

If you are to stay with your husband, he needs to be able to communicate with you, that means telling you all of the embarrassing stuff that he has done, is doing and what goes through his head.

You need to be prepared to not judge and try to understand, believe me when I say it's a lot to overcome, that doesn't mean giving him a pass, he needs to be held accountable.

If he cant be honest with you & himself he wont be able to own his issues and his impulses wont subside. 

(just my 2cents)


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