# What should I do about my feelings.



## longday (Feb 9, 2014)

I have been married for 7 yrs now and have had some issues with my husbands phone-internet activity. About 3yrs ago I found out that he was logging on to dating sites to chat with other women. I confronted him about this and he said he was just scrolling porn and curious about these live chats. I explained to him that it made me uncomfortable and I was afraid it may spread to a more physical relationship, so he promised to stop.
So about 6mo ago I noticed he was getting a lot of e-mails for weird sites using a user name. I asked him about it and he denied it until I was finally able to prove that it was him. So once again he promised to stop and we deleted his profile from all of the sites. Well he still gets random e-mails from time to time and recently he received a very detailed one under a new user name. This e-mail states that it had been a while since that last talked but it is a reminder of the fact that indeed he did have actual conversations with other women. Even though I am almost 100% sure he is not having an affair I still can't get past this crap.
I feel angry, resentful, lied to, and can't seem to find that trust in our relationship. 
HELP please! Any words of wisdom or advise are greatly appreciated.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

What you feel is normal, he betrayed your trust. I would make sure he's stopped the innaproprate activities you can put a keylogger in his computer, or if he is willing to, request all emails and passwords, he has to be 100% transparent until he wins back your trust. No clearing browsers, no deleting text. You should read this link, something's don't apply by some do. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## longday (Feb 9, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. I have looked and joined these sites and understand fully that after 7 yrs. things need to be addressed and changed for both of us. I have been very open with him about it. The problem I have is that he continues to hide it from me and has continuously lied about it until I had something to directly link him. I guess the real problem here is rebuilding trust. The chat sites are harmless but its where he may take it that scares me. I know from experience how easy it is to do things that may have started out harmless but snowballed into a horrible situation. If he feels like he has to hide the things I openly talk to him about then what more do I do?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

When a partner is being deceitful in a marriage, it seems wrong to me for the person they are deceiving to try even harder to find whatever need it is that the deceitful partner is seeking to fulfil outside of the marriage, without some guarantee that the deceit will stop. At this point, longday could turn herself into a porn star, and after months of fulfilling his every fantasy, find he's still chatting up random women on dating sites.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

What he needs are boundaries, I am sure it goes deeper than you think it always does. It may even be an addiction and based on the amount you sex you are having, it has nothing to do with you.

It also seems he started doing this very early in your marriage. 

By the way you will get more help if you move this thread to the General Relationship area. You can ask a moderator to do this. One of them is Frenchfry.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

longday said:


> I have been married for 7 yrs now and have had some issues with my husbands phone-internet activity. About 3yrs ago I found out that he was logging on to dating sites to chat with other women. I confronted him about this and he said he was just scrolling porn and curious about these live chats. I explained to him that it made me uncomfortable and I was afraid it may spread to a more physical relationship, so he promised to stop.
> So about 6mo ago I noticed he was getting a lot of e-mails for weird sites using a user name. I asked him about it and he denied it until I was finally able to prove that it was him. So once again he promised to stop and we deleted his profile from all of the sites. Well he still gets random e-mails from time to time and recently he received a very detailed one under a new user name. This e-mail states that it had been a while since that last talked but it is a reminder of the fact that indeed he did have actual conversations with other women. Even though I am almost 100% sure he is not having an affair I still can't get past this crap.
> I feel angry, resentful, lied to, and can't seem to find that trust in our relationship.
> HELP please! Any words of wisdom or advise are greatly appreciated.


Well, I think that hes being deceitful, I feel that going onto dating sites when your married/ in a relationship and talking to other woman is wrong as well.

Nothing wrong with the porn part, but why would he even be curious about the live chats, If he was not interested in doing it himself??.

You have already expressed to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable( with good reason i may add)...... he promised to stop, and yet hes still doing it.... totally disrespectful of your feelings.

I feel the hurt and resent your feeling is justified. I would feel the same.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

longday said:


> He watches a lot of porn while he is at work


This would concern me. What kind of job does he have that he watches porn at work? I would be worried about him getting fired. (a lot of places track your websites)


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## longday (Feb 9, 2014)

Thanks for all of the comments. When I found his first username from a couple spam e-mails he had been receiving I started to investigate. I was able to find his profiles but when I logged into them using his user name and password I found out that he had not actually posted any chats with anyone. The problem is that even though we removed him from the majority of these sites he still continues to get random e-mails from different places. Most are just crap mail asking you to click this link for profiles or pics ect.. But the problem I have is rebuilding that trust. If it had only happen once it would be easier but the second time is just hard. 
As far as looking at porn at work, well thanks to cell phones we have constant access to the net so if he gets bored I guess that's what he does. 
I'm just tired of being so unsure. I consider myself a strong and self sufficient women but this is really taking its toll. I want to stay married and I know he loves me but when can I start trusting him again?


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## markster (Nov 20, 2012)

longday said:


> Thanks for all of the comments. When I found his first username from a couple spam e-mails he had been receiving I started to investigate. I was able to find his profiles but when I logged into them using his user name and password I found out that he had not actually posted any chats with anyone. The problem is that even though we removed him from the majority of these sites he still continues to get random e-mails from different places. Most are just crap mail asking you to click this link for profiles or pics ect.. But the problem I have is rebuilding that trust. If it had only happen once it would be easier but the second time is just hard.
> As far as looking at porn at work, well thanks to cell phones we have constant access to the net so if he gets bored I guess that's what he does.
> I'm just tired of being so unsure. I consider myself a strong and self sufficient women but this is really taking its toll. I want to stay married and I know he loves me but when can I start trusting him again?


You can consider starting to trust him again when he verbally (maybe even written if he tends to be someone who is not big on keeping his word) commits to never doing this again. Be specific about what it is you want him to stop and why. (although I'm sure he knows the why)

Unfortunately, he has verbally committed to this before, broken his word and deliberately hid this from you. It does sound like there could be addiction issues, which he must own up to and agree to seek help and follow through for same. If this is him at work, I would think that he could eventually be losing his job, whether IT is monitoring him or not. He can't be killing that kind of time at work and not have his productivity go way down.

I think what also needs to come from you are strong stated consequences for his actions if he does not follow through in a reasonably short period of time and then YOU need to follow through with the consequences if he doesn't, so he knows that you're serious, otherwise this Merry-go-round will continue forever and out of the "potential chat" zone and into the physical realm. Sooner or later he may come across a real live person that lives not so far away, etc.... 

As for the "random emails in his junk folder" I wouldn't take them too seriously unless they are specific to him and contain personal details about him that no one else would know except someone he's been chatting to. (last name, marital status, where you live, etc.) 

I say this because, being in IT, I've seen more scams and spams than the average person and, even though I haven't been on a chat site in many years, I continue to get crap in my Hotmail junk folder from "people" looking forward to our "next chat" and offering to send the "pics I requested" as soon as I respond back. If he gets this sort of thing, check the wording on them and you'll see that most are canned spam. "Hi (insert husbands name here) it's (insert random female name here) wondering where you went after we chatted. I miss you .... blah blah blah")

Betrayal of trust is a doozy to overcome. He needs to be 100% transparent from now on. Nothing hidden. Nothing.

Good luck

M


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

longday-

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Your husband is not honoring your marriage by perusing sites and seeking any kind of attention from other women. As his wife, this belongs to you.

I also suggest establishing boundaries. He needs to know what is not acceptable for you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Not only is he a cheater, but he is a not so bright cheater. If I was going to cheat, I wouldnt use my normal email unless I wanted my wife to find it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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