# Other people messing up our relationship! Need advice!



## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

We are in a young relationship and have fallen in love. Everything has been great until the other night when she drops a bombshell on me. Apparently, her cousin and her husband had an argument to the point where the cops had to come and the husband goes to jail on a domestic violence charge. He gets out of jail and she moves him in! He can't go home because of an automatic protective order. So there is a man, alone, living with my girlfriend.

I have serious trust issues and told her this is not ok. She says she is trying to help her cousin who has his child so they can get their lives back together. They have no friends and no options. He can't be at the house by the order. I said can't they both stay with you as a couple? No- the order. 

They are both at my girlfriend's house all the time violating the order anyway, so I don't see why they can't just go home, keep a low profile and work it out on their own. I don't want another man in her house! Am I being unreasonable? 

She told them this situation makes me extremely uncomfortable and the response was "Oh Well". When I ask what they are doing to fix it (find a lawyer, make a plan, etc) I get pushed back and told let me handle it. 

My girlfriend has agreed to stay with me most nights while he's there, but it is tough and a lot of late nights and early mornings. She has a 16 year old son and it's tough on him too. Last night she says he is going home to spend the night with his wife (against the order-again) but his truck was at her house because the cops might see it at her house. She slept at her house last night. It sounded like the perfect excuse. I don't think anything is going on, but I don't want to be naive. I said I was coming over (calling a bluff) and she said ok. I didn't go. I feel like these people who have messed up their lives are messing up ours too. I'm so angry I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can't the cousin move in with her, instead of the husband? Or could the husband move in with you? How long is the protective order in place?

And you may want to work on your trust issues...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What the hell?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been seeing each other, btw? You may want to read up on the Married Man's Sex Life Primer, and No More Mr. Nice Guy. There's nothing wrong with defining your boundaries and sticking to them. Things will be much more enjoyable for you if you do. But be aware that if your boundaries are unreasonable (like you're unreasonably insecure/jealous), you may have a lot of problems finding someone who will accept them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

She's letting a dude with a recent domestic violence charge live with her and her 16 year old son and choosing his welfare over all three of you?

Repeat. His wife is safe, his kid is safe, your GF and her kid and your relationship are not.

I'd walk, mate. Sorry.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

cactusman76 said:


> I have serious trust issues and told her this is not ok.


Obviously, there are multiple issues here. Frankly, the kind of woman who fears a guy so much that she calls the police but then turns around and keeps seeing him really ticks me off. Either he's too dangerous to live with or not. You can't have it both ways. 

But they didn't come to this forum, you did. *Frankly, your trust issues are your problem, not your girlfriend's*. She's not doing anything wrong or immoral. From her perspective, she's just helping her cousin. He has to stay somewhere, after all, and he might not be able to afford a hotel.

She should make him one ultimatum however: either abide by the terms of the restraining order with his wife, or move out. She should also look into the option of having him stay with other family. But the bottom line is, this is her family, and her problem. They have f**ked up lives, yes, *but they aren't "messing up" your relationship except in your own mind*. If your relationship fails over this, it will be because of your own insecurities and fears it will fail (creating a self-fulfilling prophecy). 

If she did end up sleeping with her cousin and cheating on you, then at least you would know what kind of woman you are involved with. Better to know now than after you are married.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Y'all stop freaking out about the domestic charges.

Cops hand them out to men like candy in these situations.

It's quite possible he did nothing or nearly nothing.

OP what has the cousin said he did to earn those charges?

I'm also curious about the retraining order.
They usually don't file them without the subject requesting it.

If she didn't request it and is opposed to it it shouldn't be difficult for her to lobby a judge to have it waived.

The fact that they aren't doing this is the only thing that gives credence to those charges.

So start at the beginning OP.

What did he do to earn these charges?
Who requested/initiated the restraining order?
How long is this order in effect for?

You need the answers to these questions before you can form a plan of action.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

WTF? Just WTF? What if these two move in together one day. Does the violent husband get free digs again next time? Maybe all three of them could share a bed!

"If she did end up sleeping with her cousin at least you'd know what kind of a woman she is" Genius, pal. Wait 'til she's screwed him over. Real clever.

But worse, tell him he's insecure, jealous and has trust issues for refusing to be disrespected.

Grow some balls, gents.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Obviously, there are multiple issues here. Frankly, the kind of woman who fears a guy so much that she calls the police but then turns around and keeps seeing him really ticks me off. Either he's too dangerous to live with or not. You can't have it both ways.
> 
> But they didn't come to this forum, you did. *Frankly, your trust issues are your problem, not your girlfriend's*. She's not doing anything wrong or immoral. From her perspective, she's just helping her cousin. He has to stay somewhere, after all, and he might not be able to afford a hotel.
> 
> ...


I might be wrong but the way I read it the cousin is a woman and it's the cousin's HUSBAND staying with the girlfriend and her son. That's just bat**** insane to me. Normally I'm the first one to say "you're the one who came to us" but the situation in the OP has nothing to do with the OP's "trust issues" and everything to do with this being a bad situation that needs to end [EDITED because I went a little overboard].

You are right to feel uncomfortable, and I don't understand why it's your girlfriend's responsibility to put up her cousin's husband.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think the cousin should stay out of it. Tell the husband to go home and work it out with his wife (her family). 

They got themselves into this mess, they should be left to get themselves out of it.


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

Wow! So much good advice and perspective! Thanks, you guys are great! A little more info, god, I feel like I'm on Springer. She says it was a fight, it escalated, she was just as at fault as he was. The cops saw marks on him not her, but, you know, man always goes to jail. Or first one to the phone wins. They are real winners. Anyway she said the whole thing was just a stupid thing that got out of hand before they realized it and calling the cops was stupid and unnecessary. 

My last relationship before this turned a sweet, trusting, gentle, slightly damaged but totally salvageable man with mild trust issues into a completely psychotic paranoid, controlling schizophrenic a--hole.

The truth is I'm fine until I have a reason not to be. Example, another man living with my girlfriend. Or finding out after 7mos that she has slept with every man she has known or introduced me to in the past and didn't feel like it should be a "big deal". That was the last one. This one, I just don't know.


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I might be wrong but the way I read it the cousin is a woman and it's the cousin's HUSBAND staying with the girlfriend and her son. That's just bat**** insane to me. Normally I'm the first one to say "you're the one who came to us" but the situation in the OP has nothing to do with the OP's "trust issues" and everything to do with this being a bad situation that needs to end [EDITED because I went a little overboard].
> 
> You are right to feel uncomfortable, and I don't understand why it's your girlfriend's responsibility to put up her cousin's husband.


She is a good person I think, I just don't want her to turn out to be a doormat. He is banned from his wife and the property. If they get caught violating the order he'll go to jail for up to a year.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

You need to take the RED PILL, cactusman76. Shall I point you in the right direction?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

TAM2013 said:


> She's letting a dude with a recent domestic violence charge live with her and her 16 year old son and choosing his welfare over all three of you?
> 
> Repeat. His wife is safe, his kid is safe, your GF and her kid and your relationship are not.
> 
> I'd walk, mate. Sorry.


I agree with this. He is using your girl.....and your girl/her kid are in danger.

OP, for whatever it's worth....people that have been the closest to us have been the biggest threat to our relationship (especially close friends). Family is no different.

When it comes to ANYONE moving in, your WHOLE life/atmosphere in the house changes.


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

tacoma said:


> Y'all stop freaking out about the domestic charges.
> 
> Cops hand them out to men like candy in these situations.
> 
> ...


Apparently it was a "tussle" She threatened to leave with the baby and file for divorce. He said joint custody, she heard full custody, somebody tried to run out the door with the baby and somebody tried to stop them I don't know which one. there was no hitting, just panicked struggle.

You are right, here, protective orders are automatic from the police. Too many women were scared to press charges or file for protective orders so now the cops do it for you whether you want it or not.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

cactusman76 said:


> She is a good person I think, I just don't want her to turn out to be a doormat. He is banned from his wife and the property. If they get caught violating the order he'll go to jail for up to a year.


Then don't you be a doormat, man. Explain to her clearly why this is not ok.


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

We should be in the honeymoon phase! Not dealing with this bulls**t! I did bring it to a head and threaten to leave hoping I had a little leverage. No dice. She wrote me a love letter, told me she was sorry but couldn't turn her back on family.

I just want this fu**head out of our life! I would drop the dime myself the next time they violate the order, but there's an infant involved, and he is sole support. that would be trading a**hole guy for can't get a job with child living there.

I want to round up the boys, take him outside, give a few gut punches and say next time it will be worse. Get OUT! If you say anything it will be your last mistake.

Maybe I'm just hungry.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I might be wrong but the way I read it the cousin is a woman and it's the cousin's HUSBAND staying with the girlfriend and her son. That's just bat**** insane to me.


You are probably right. I misread that. The guy not being a family member does change the situation to me. He should stay with family until this is resolved. 



> _Normally I'm the first one to say "you're the one who came to us" but the situation in the OP has nothing to do with the OP's "trust issues" and everything to do with this being a bad situation that needs to end [EDITED because I went a little overboard]._


But it is trust issues. If the OP's girlfriend wrote to this forum, I would advise her to send this guy packing. But the OP is the one who wrote. This woman isn't his wife and he can't tell her what to do. She's an adult and can do what she wants. He's going to have to trust her sometime, so that might as well be now. If the OP can't let go of this, he needs to dump her and find someone else.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Theseus said:


> You are probably right. I misread that. The guy not being a family member does change the situation to me. He should stay with family until this is resolved.
> 
> 
> 
> But it is trust issues. If the OP's girlfriend wrote to this forum, I would advise her to send this guy packing. But the OP is the one who wrote. This woman isn't his wife and he can't tell her what to do. She's an adult and can do what she wants. He's going to have to trust her sometime, so that might as well be now. If the OP can't let go of this, he needs to dump her and find someone else.


I have the same issue with you in the opposite sex friend thread but I feel like you don't make a distinction between "telling someone what is not ok with you" and "telling someone what to do."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You still haven't said how long you two have been dating...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

my take on this. He told her his boundary, she is not willing to accept his boundary. This leaves the OP really two choices:
* breakup
* start down the doormat path.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

naiveonedave said:


> my take on this. He told her his boundary, she is not willing to accept his boundary. This leaves the OP really two choices:
> * breakup
> * start down the doormat path.


It's not a boundary if you're not willing to enforce it. IMHO...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

But it is trust issues. If the OP's girlfriend wrote to this forum, I would advise her to send this guy packing. But the OP is the one who wrote. This woman isn't his wife and he can't tell her what to do. She's an adult and can do what she wants. He's going to have to trust her sometime, so that might as well be now. If the OP can't let go of this, he needs to dump her and find someone else.[/QUOTE]

I tried to leave her and failed. Everything else is PERFECT! I mean, I could use a little more oral sex, but who couldn't? We have so much fun, we laugh till it hurts. Her friends love me and I love them. They instantly accepted me as one of the tribe. We like the same things, have the same sense of humor- everything. I'm in love, I can't leave.


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

I don't want to say, I'm concerned I might not be taken seriously because it hasn't been that long really. There are married people here dealing with way heavier stuff. I just wanted some perspective. You people sound like the voices in my head! lol


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

cactusman76 said:


> Apparently it was a "tussle" She threatened to leave with the baby and file for divorce. He said joint custody, she heard full custody, somebody tried to run out the door with the baby and somebody tried to stop them I don't know which one. there was no hitting, just panicked struggle.
> 
> You are right, here, protective orders are automatic from the police. Too many women were scared to press charges or file for protective orders so now the cops do it for you whether you want it or not.


That's what I thought it probably was as that's what it usually is.

Ok,

You screwed up with that ultimatum about leaving her over this and you will need to apologize about it because your insecurity will drive her away.

You're very angry, get control of that because it will destroy this for you.

You have no reason to think there's anything going on between your girl and her cousins husband.In fact you have reasons to know there isn't anything there so just think about that.

Do you really thinks she's sleeping with her cousins man?
I don't think you do.
If you don't then this is not your girls problem, it's yours and you need to control it.

Find out how long this protective order is in place.
Find out what steps can be taken for the cousin herself to have it waived.
Concentrate on the actual problem, not your girl.
She's not the problem.

Do not ask your girl or her cousin about the protective order.
Go down to the cop-shop and ask them about their policies concerning these orders.

How long are they in effect by default?
What can a spouse do to get them waived ?
How do they go about doing this?

Concentrate on this, don't involve your girlfriend until you have this information.

If I were you I'd start that conversation with an apology for the ultimatum, explain you were triggering and you're working on getting over your insecurities.

Be very apologetic because you're coming off as controlling as hell and that's a serious red flag to your girl.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

cactusman76 said:


> I don't want to say, I'm concerned I might not be taken seriously because it hasn't been that long really. There are married people here dealing with way heavier stuff. I just wanted some perspective. You people sound like the voices in my head! lol


We aren't here to judge.
But I think you know deep down that leaving is and should be an option but you are hoping it will just all go away.
Just because you are in love does not mean it is okay to just bend over and take it.
You can't control her but you can control with what you will put up with.
How long is the restraining order for?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

cactusman76 said:


> I don't want to say, I'm concerned I might not be taken seriously because it hasn't been that long really. There are married people here dealing with way heavier stuff. I just wanted some perspective. You people sound like the voices in my head! lol


It's not about being taken seriously. But if you haven't been dating long, you don't have a "right" to provide a whole lot of input in how she's living her life. Your "right" is to accept her decision or walk away. 

I'm sorry, but I'm sticking with the idea that you need to deal with your insecurity and/or jealousy issues, or they will cause you grief in all future relationships. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

naiveonedave said:


> my take on this. He told her his boundary, she is not willing to accept his boundary. This leaves the OP really two choices:
> * breakup
> * start down the doormat path.


No, he has a third and preferable choice.

He can apologize for ever making such a foolish boundary in the first place.
Explain he only did so out of an emotional reaction to his recent past and he was wrong.
Throw himself on her mercy and hope like hell she'll overlook it.
Support his girl in her family troubles while trying to help her fix them.
Get to the Mens Clubhouse and start learning how to deal with his problem.
Continue in this relationship (if she allows it) without ever giving her another reason to think he has control issues.

His girl is not wrong here, this is her family, he is a new BF.
She seems to have her priorities straight to me.

It's OP who is having trouble


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tom67 said:


> We aren't here to judge.
> But I think you know deep down that leaving is and should be an option but you are hoping it will just all go away.
> Just because you are in love does not mean it is okay to just bend over and take it.
> You can't control her but you can control with what you will put up with.
> How long is the restraining order for?


OP you are getting extremely bad advice in this thread.

I caution you to consider the ramifications of following it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> It's not about being taken seriously. But if you haven't been dating long, you don't have a "right" to provide a whole lot of input in how she's living her life. Your "right" is to accept her decision or walk away.
> 
> I'm sorry, but I'm sticking with the idea that you need to deal with your insecurity and/or jealousy issues, or they will cause you grief in all future relationships.
> 
> ...


OP,

Apparently you are also getting extremely good advice in this thread.

Listen to PBear


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

sorry, but that is not a foolish boundary. if this is a LTR, that is a boundary I would have. And I would walk.

Sure he could 'repent'. IMO he shouldn't, because I think his gut is telling him not to....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

naiveonedave said:


> sorry, but that is not a foolish boundary. if this is a LTR, that is a boundary I would have. And I would walk.
> 
> Sure he could 'repent'. IMO he shouldn't, because I think his gut is telling him not to....


If I were his girl I would have dumped his controlling ass the moment he made the ultimatum.

I don't understand why y'all want to punish the woman for supporting her family.

There is no reason to think she's ****ing the cousins husband and numerous reasons to know she isn't.

Actually I think I do understand why.

Maybe it's that big fat chip on your shoulder.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> sorry, but that is not a foolish boundary. if this is a LTR, that is a boundary I would have. And I would walk.
> 
> Sure he could 'repent'. IMO he shouldn't, because I think his gut is telling him not to....


Dave I guess a different opinion is "bad advice"
OP follow your gut no one has the perfect answer.

What doesn't apply, let it fly.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

actually her lack of respect for his opinions is a chip on your shoulder. just saying.

Adults should have been able to hash this out. He told what he was comfortable with, she basically said no way, your feelings and opinions don't count. She could said "what are some options that would be acceptable?" and then they could have discussed it. But she shut him down. Not acceptable, and if the rolls were reveresed, I would say the same thing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

naiveonedave said:


> actually her lack of respect for his opinions is a chip on your shoulder. just saying.
> 
> Adults should have been able to hash this out. He told what he was comfortable with, she basically said no way, your feelings and opinions don't count. She could said "what are some options that would be acceptable?" and then they could have discussed it. But she shut him down. Not acceptable, and if the rolls were reveresed, I would say the same thing.


And you're making up this play-by-play based on what?

C


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> actually her lack of respect for his opinions is a chip on your shoulder. just saying.
> 
> Adults should have been able to hash this out. He told what he was comfortable with, she basically said no way, your feelings and opinions don't count. She could said "what are some options that would be acceptable?" and then they could have discussed it. But she shut him down. Not acceptable, and if the rolls were reveresed, I would say the same thing.


If this is for a few weeks that's one thing.
But if this is for 6 months or longer come on.
Would she have done this for a female relative hmm.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

naiveonedave said:


> actually her lack of respect for his opinions is a chip on your shoulder. just saying.
> 
> Adults should have been able to hash this out. He told what he was comfortable with, she basically said no way, your feelings and opinions don't count. She could said "what are some options that would be acceptable?" and then they could have discussed it. But she shut him down. Not acceptable, and if the rolls were reveresed, I would say the same thing.


I don't know what thread you're reading but it isn't this one.

She in no way disregarded his "opinions"

She disregarded his over the top unfounded demands (unbased ultimatum anyone ?)and rightfully so.

OP is the one who isn't acting like an adult.

His girl has her head on straight.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tom67 said:


> If this is for a few weeks that's one thing.
> But if this is for 6 months or longer come on.
> Would she have done this for a female relative hmm.


WTF?

Please point to any single thing the OP said that would lead an unbiased rational person to think for even a moment this is because she has romantic interest in her cousins husband.

Y'all are tainted by your own sad experiences.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tacoma said:


> WTF?
> 
> Please point to any single thing the OP said that would lead an unbiased rational person to think for even a moment this is because she has romantic interest in her cousins husband.
> 
> Y'all are tainted by your own sad experiences.



Okay


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

She wants him OUT! We all do, he wants out, wife wants him home. So this is what I've decided to do.

1. Apologize. Not for having boundaries, but for how I handled it.

2. Support her and get this over with ASAP

3. Relax. This triggered insecurity but this is a different person I have no reason to suspect anything and lots of reasons not to.

4. Respect. She is kind and generous and trying to help. She showed me a picture of the baby. She said look at this child and tell me you won't help! These are qualities I want in a woman.

5. Wait. I'm going to be patient and keep my eyes open. If the boundary thing continues to be a problem then I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it.

6. Space. I'm only going to give help or advice when asked. She is smart and capable of handling this on her own. She doesn't need me making things worse with added pressure.

There, how's that?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

not buying it Tacoma. Just not. I reread the original post. OP asked for a boundary, got rejected out of hand. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but my girlfriend (assumption on my part that are committed and monogamous) would not have a man sleeping at her place. We could discuss options, but this is very similar OSF thread. I would expect my SO to want the same boundary for me. To say this boundary is foolish is an insult, because it is my opinion.


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## cactusman76 (Mar 26, 2014)

We've talked and this is a unique situation. I mentioned other scenarios and made my boundaries completely clear. She understands my concerns and has assured me nothing like this will happen again. I don't feel this is controlling, I feel it is an issue of appropriateness. I got more backstory and it turns out she and this couple have been very close for many years. When her 16yr old was kicked out of the house for smoking pot, they took him in and helped him straighten himself out. There are strong family ties here I wasn't aware of. This is just a bad situation and it is going to be resolved. She said if we get through this we can get through anything so I'm just going to hang tough and wait for it to be over


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Cooler heads prevail, good for you 76.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

cactusman76 said:


> We've talked and this is a unique situation. I mentioned other scenarios and made my boundaries completely clear. She understands my concerns and has assured me nothing like this will happen again. I don't feel this is controlling, I feel it is an issue of appropriateness. I got more backstory and it turns out she and this couple have been very close for many years. When her 16yr old was kicked out of the house for smoking pot, they took him in and helped him straighten himself out. There are strong family ties here I wasn't aware of. This is just a bad situation and it is going to be resolved. She said if we get through this we can get through anything so I'm just going to hang tough and wait for it to be over


Good :smthumbup:
Glad to hear it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Okay


Seriously can you answer my question?



> Please point to any single thing the OP said that would lead an unbiased rational person to think for even a moment this is because she has romantic interest in her cousins husband.


How do you justify such a desperate reaction?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

cactusman76 said:


> She wants him OUT! We all do, he wants out, wife wants him home. So this is what I've decided to do.
> 
> 1. Apologize. Not for having boundaries, but for how I handled it.
> 
> ...


Better than the advice I gave you.

Well done.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

naiveonedave said:


> not buying it Tacoma. Just not. I reread the original post. OP asked for a boundary, got rejected out of hand.


Boundaries aren't sacred and can indeed be outlandish.

My wife is frequently alone with men I don't know for hours at a time for her work.

I could set down a boundary that said she could no longer do this.

That's a boundary but it isn't necessarily rational or fair and it's damaging to her business.

In short it's controlling and due to nothing more than the fact that I was being an out of control ass.

She has every right to reject it and should.



> To say this boundary is foolish is an insult, because it is my opinion.


You have a right to your opinion.
I have a right to voice my opinion of yours.


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