# Are these things "Manly" to you women?



## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

I edited this original post cause this morphed into a really good, helpful thread. I am a 39 year old male in a marriage of 10 years that is struggling to fix a great marriage. Read other thread to understand that part of where this has gone.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...d-i-need-save-marriage-well-worth-saving.html
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 87 Default I need help, advice bad! I need to save a marriage well worth saving! 

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I have been married to a wonderful, confident, beautiful woman for right at 10 years now. I am in the Military and travel quite often. I have never been insure, or a jealous person. For the first 3 years of course our sex life was amazing in every way. We had my son around the 3 year mark and I can honestly say things remained the same. 

About 3 years ago her sex drive started to slow down. I would bring it up no and then but never nagged her about it. She would blame it on a diagnosed thyroid problem. She has had this problem her whole life, but has learned to manage her weight through extremely healthy life style and Crossfit. (She works out like a 5-6 days a week) After this started, I would just initiate it mostly and she would oblige and 80% would get into it. 

About 2 years ago I started to notice her lashing out at me disrespectful more often. I would usually respond to her in some fashion like "Really? Why the hell would say something like that to me? Do I talk to you like that?" I leave her allown and the situation would usually defuse itself quickly like nothing happened. The intimacy was quickly fading a while this bugged me immensely, she didn’t seem to care. It just wasn’t important to her to kiss me good bye, touch or hold my hand ect. 

I started finding myself buying her things, going out of my way to do everything for her. Surprise her with coffee at work. Like I was trying to by a normal sex life that I missed. 

This year I got back from Afghanistan about 195 days ago (I know my dwell time) When I got home Sex was great for about 1 week and things started to be the way they were. Only She was really detached from me. She would start going to Crossfit events without me and we were doing our own things on the weekends instead of together. Shame on me, but I don't even what to be around her sometimes, knowing I’m not going to get laid or enjoy the time with her. (I do Crossfit also but only 3-4 times a week so its not as though I wasn’t interested in the outings.) Sex has been 1 every month for awhile and it seems she just does it cause she feels bad cause I bring it up. I’ve ask her to talk to her doctor about it cause she says she doesn’t even know why, and that she doesn’t even masturbate anymore. Every once in a while I couldn’t take it anymore and I would lash out at her and bring up that we were going to end up divorced if something doesn’t change. But it never has.

I noticed that she never touched me, never complemented me, or didn’t care to have me around or not. Lately she gets home from the gym sits on the couch doing home work, messing around on her Ipad, or computer. She pretty much ignores me. I got so pissed off that I started to do the same. I ignored her. I stopped trying to have sex with her. I started masturbating daily and pretty much resent the hell out of her for it. 

We don't treat each other bad but, this for the first time is making me a little insecure. I started accusing her of cheating on me a couple of times. I started searching her computer for stuff looking at her texts to co-workers(guys) just being paranoid. She caught me and locked out her phone and computer and Ipad. Giving me crap saying why am I spying on her, and insisting that she isn’t cheating. I've been loosing my mind! I woke up a couple of times and she was in the living room masturbating in the last month. This pissed me off??? Why didn’t she just wake me up I tell her to I tell her how much I am attracted to her. This has been torturing me for the last month. I left in Feb for 1 week to TX for a TDY (business). That being said......

Last night I was helping her with home work and she went to take a shower. I went to her e-mail and saw a instant message name on the top of the list. The name said "Pitbull" I clicked on it and opened the conversations. She has been having online sexual relationship with this guy. It was explicit and very much sexual in great detail. It ripped my insides out when I read this crap. I feel like I am going to puke just typing about it. I printed the conversations off. I didn’t know if he was local at the time and I went to the bedroom.

After she got out of the shower, I sat her on the bed and held her hands . I told her to tell me the truth and accused her of screwing this guy. She said no and I started to read the conversations to her. She got that look of sorry, worried at first and as I keep going, and going no matter what she was saying , I keep reading. she got pissed, ripped the papers from my hand and tore them up into tiny pieces. It got ugly for a few seconds, but not violent as we wrestled for the papers. She kept saying what are you going to hit me? It was like she wanted me to? I swear I have never hit her. This make me believe that someone has. She told me she wasn’t cheating on me it was some guy she met on line and was just a thrill. She told me F()ck you twice! I was like "really that all you got? I walked away punched the wall, hard. I tried to calm down to no end. About a hour later I went to her in the living room and she apologized and showed me he was in CA and the site she met him on. She deleted everything and I was relieved to a certain extent. We had sex twice that night. WTH?

I told her I would get past this but we have to fix us. We talked about counseling. I don’t know. I’m hurt and confused! What do I do. How do I fix this, relationship? She is a amazing woman and I don’t want to leave her. But I have said that once, that was 2 weeks ago. But I’m very unhappy and maybe some what depressed! She has been very attentive to me the last two days but I am afraid I will just end up a week from now in the same situation resenting her more and no sex or intimacy at all. I had to talk to someone and this looks like the place. I’ve been larking here for awhile. Thanks in advance. 

OLD THREAD below based off men's advise:--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Recently, I was told here to go do manly things, so my wife views me in that way. In another thread I reflected on what I already do all the time. I think Im about as "Caveman... Manly" as you can get, in my hobbies and activities. Do you see these listed below as manly things and do they hold any value in your eyes when you see your husbands activity???? Need a womans opinion, I have no Idea what she needs to see, me doing?

Manly things I want to do/learn:
1 Car body work and painting.
2 I would like to run at least a half maraton someday.
3 Mountain climbing looks fun.
4 I want a Street bike.
5 I would like to build a CJ7 to go mudding in.
6 I would like to do some shooting competitions.
7 hunting with a bow
8 hunting with a Crossbow


Manly things I do, that I truly love:
1 Work on Aircraft guns for a living.
2 I build firearms as a side business.
3 I go shooting and hunting often. Love killing Paper, pigs and dove.
4 I have a concealed carry lisence to protect my family.
5 I race ATVs/dirt bikes. (Yamaha YFZ450 480 big bore kit)
6 I have a fire pit out back and I burn wood, and drink beer.
7 Crossfit
8 Weight lifting
9 Cleaning my Truck and wives car.
10 Im always fixing things in the garage. 
11 I love to restore old guns, any thing really.
12 Ive been to combat zones 13 times in 20 year in the service.
13 I train with the county SWAT team as their BG.
14 I collect weapons, guns, knives, tamahawks ect.
15 Working on the cars or lawn tracter.
16 Working on the house
17 Provideing a safe nice home for my family.
18Teaching my son to do manly things.
19 I teach Enlisted Force Structure class to subordantes.(Nothing feels more manly than teaching/mentering a group of folks whom look to you for knowleadge and guidence.) I love it.
20 Grilling for lunch or dinner. Men love burning meat


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tell me... do you play with your kid(s)? I don't mean the specific thing you mentioned above that you "teach [your] son manly thing"... I mean play. Play board games... play tag... play hide and seek...anything? Have you ever pushed your son on a swing? Helped him down a slide? Do you play computer games with your kid(s)?

I ask these things because the things you mentioned above are turn offs for me. If I see a man doing all of those, just because he wants to be "manly", I would automatically think he's overcompensating. If you are doing these things because you truly enjoy them...and I mean enjoy, not just doing them because you think they are "manly", then great. But a man who will do things for/with the kids is more my preference. I see that long list as more "show" than anything else. Sorry if that's not the answer you were looking for.

ETA: That doesn't mean I look at a SOLDIER as less than manly. But I don't look at a soldier as being more manly than an "ordinary" man.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Tell me... do you play with your kid(s)? I don't mean the specific thing you mentioned above that you "teach [your] son manly thing"... I mean play. Play board games... play tag... play hide and seek...anything? Have you ever pushed your son on a swing? Helped him down a slide? Do you play computer games with your kid(s)?
> 
> I ask these things because the things you mentioned above are turn offs for me. If I see a man doing all of those, just because he wants to be "manly", I would automatically think he's overcompensating. If you are doing these things because you truly enjoy them...and I mean enjoy, not just doing them because you think they are "manly", then great. But a man who will do things for/with the kids is more my preference. I see that long list as more "show" than anything else. Sorry if that's not the answer you were looking for.
> 
> ETA: That doesn't mean I look at a SOLDIER as less than manly. But I don't look at a soldier as being more manly than an "ordinary" man.


Understood. I do truly enjoy these things and I was like this when I met her 11 years ago. The reason I ask is I was told that my attentivness (classic nice guy trying to do everything for her)to her was turning her off and causeing her to not view me in a sexual way. I was told to go do manly things without her with other men. I dont really do anything with other men only my 7 year old son. We played video games for 1 hour sat. I took him riding (ATV) for 4 hours. I taught him Sunday how to build a fire and make smores. I had to make her join us. I dont know why she doesnt value me anymore and doesnt seem to care wether Im around or not?
So awnser to your question is undoubtly yes I play and spend time with him. The further she seperates herself from me I retreat in resentment to activities with my son, my only real friend besides her. She says she doesnt understand why, she feels this way. We have great communication. But intimacy and sex life have left the building. No Im not fat or out of shape, lazy and have a good paying job. (I keep getting ask that crap). The marriage has become about her I have suffered and can't understand.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

The most manly thing is pursuing what you truly love and being confident in it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> Understood. I do truly enjoy these things and I was like this when I met her 11 years ago. *The reason I ask is I was told that my attentivness to her was turning her off and causeing her to not view me in a sexual way. I was told to go do manly things without her with other men.* I dont really do anything with other men only my 7 year old son. We played video games for 1 hour sat. I took him riding (ATV) for 4 hours. I taught him Sunday how to build a fire and make smores. I had to make her join us. I dont know why she doesnt value me anymore and doesnt seem to care wether Im around or not?
> So awnser to your question is undoubtly yes I play and spend time with him. The further she seperates herself from me I retreat in resentment to activities with my son, my only real friend besides her. She says she doesnt understand why. We have great communication. But intamacy and sex life have left the building. an no Im not fat or out of shape, no I am not attentive to her needs. Prouabably to far opisite. The marriage has become about her I have suffered and can't understand.


Who told the things I underlined?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It depends on the woman. We all have different tastes and opinions. Items #9 and #16 would have merit with me.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Who told the things I underlined?


In the men’s lounge, I’m being told I’m a "Nice guy" and have been so care giving and attentive to her needs that she is comfortable/takes me for granite and knows she doesn’t have to prosue me. So she stopped viewing me a sexual in nature. It kind of makes sense to me. I am so not selfish that my needs have not been important enough for me to tell her how angry I am about the lack of intimacy and sex.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Trenton said:


> To me the most attractive thing any man can offer is himself.


Yeah well that hasnt worked in my marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> In the men’s lounge, I’m being told I’m a "Nice guy" and have been so care giving and attentive to her needs that she is comfortable/takes me for granite and knows she doesn’t have to prosue me. So she stopped viewing me a sexual in nature. It kind of makes sense to me. I am so not selfish that my needs have not been important enough for me to tell her how angry I am about the lack of intimacy and sex.


So the men in the Men's Lounge told you that this is why your wife it not into sex with you. Your wife did not say that. Is this correct?

Let's look at a few other things. 

HOw many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing things together that you enjoy.. where you focus on each other, just the two of you?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well....that all sounds manly. 

Do you do things WITH her? I get the idea that you can back off doing all that "nice guy" stuff for her... but what about "dating" her?


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So the men in the Men's Lounge told you that this is why your wife it not into sex with you. Your wife did not say that. Is this correct?
> 
> Let's look at a few other things.
> 
> HOw many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing things together that you enjoy.. where you focus on each other, just the two of you?


1. Yes the men not her.
2. Now I know why I came here a to ask. What your getting at is makeing sense. We dont have alot of time during the week. She works fulltime, me too. At home our son obsorbs time and so does her homework. We rarely do anything with out him present.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Every womans idea of manly will differ in some aspects. As will what turns on a woman. What works for women here won't necessarily work for your wife. Same goes for what the men here say. Not everything they say will necessarily work for your wife. I didn't see your other thread so could you give a summary of the issues you are having?


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Well....that all sounds manly.
> 
> Do you do things WITH her? I get the idea that you can back off doing all that "nice guy" stuff for her... but what about "dating" her?


This has been a big challenge for us. Crazy schedules ect. I have told her repetively that a date night needs to be important, she agrees but we cant seem to find the time. All our dates are with my son present.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Make time. And if she is working full time and going to school... that is a big load for some people. 

So you might have to get creative. Like a picnic on the living room floor after the kid goes to bed or something like that.

And I have to say it.... read the 5 Love Languages... and find out HOW and WHAT she needs to feel loved, etc...


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Every womans idea of manly will differ in some aspects. As will what turns on a woman. What works for women here won't necessarily work for your wife. Same goes for what the men here say. Not everything they say will necessarily work for your wife. I didn't see your other thread so could you give a summary of the issues you are having?


It's pretty ugly, at the moment...........
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...d-i-need-save-marriage-well-worth-saving.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> 1. Yes the men not her.
> 2. Now I know why I came here a to ask. What your getting at is makeing sense. We dont have alot of time during the week. She works fulltime, me too. At home our son obsorbs time and so does her homework. We rarely do anything with out him present.


To maintain the passion in a relationship, a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week doing things that the two of you enjoy, just the two of you. If you do not do this, the wife will lose sexual interest. This is something that is very often overlooked here.

Look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Start with “His Needs, Her Needs”. It will explain what is needed.

For me, none of the things you listed could have anything at all to do with whether or not I love my husband or feel sexual towards him. They all look like interesting things to be involved in. Shoot I’d love doing a lot of that.. with my husband.

What would matter is if we maintained a strong, passionate connection, whether we worked together as a team. 

You say that you two don’t have a lot of time during the week to spend with each other, just the two of you. But look at the things you do chose to do. Just look through the list of the things you do.. where is your wife if all of that? At this point it looks like she’s not even on your list.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> To maintain the passion in a relationship, a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week doing things that the two of you enjoy, just the two of you. If you do not do this, the wife will lose sexual interest. This is something that is very often overlooked here.
> 
> Look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Start with “His Needs, Her Needs”. It will explain what is needed.
> 
> ...


Ouch, your right. She used to go out shooting with me. But has not in awhile. I have ask her to come out riding with my son and I and she said not interested. I just got the book His needs, Her needs Im going to read it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> Ouch, your right. She used to go out shooting with me. But has not in awhile. I have ask her to come out riding with my son and I and she said not interested. I just got the book His needs, Her needs Im going to read it.


I just read part of your other thread. So your wife is having on sexting affair.

How long were you in Afghanistan? It’s very hard to keep the passion and intimacy in a marriage when there are long separations. It’s pretty clear what is going on and why. 

There is another book that you need to read. It’s by the same author as “His Needs, Her Needs”, Dr. Harley. The book is “Surviving an Affair”. It’s a quick read. Get it ASAP and read it as well. Those two books will give you the info you need to save your marriage, if it can be saved. And I truly hope it can be saved.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

01coltcolt said:


> In the men’s lounge, I’m being told I’m a "Nice guy" and have been so care giving and attentive to her needs that she is comfortable/takes me for granite and knows she doesn’t have to prosue me. So she stopped viewing me a sexual in nature. It kind of makes sense to me. I am so not selfish that my needs have not been important enough for me to tell her how angry I am about the lack of intimacy and sex.


Well those blokes in the mens clubhouse would probably call me a liar... but here goes anyway....

My husband of 23 years does heaps of chores, he loves cooking and preserving food, makes wine and devotes almost all his spare time to doing things with me and our kids.

Yet we have lots of sex and affection and fun together and I've never had an affair or sexted anyone. 

Having said all that... the manly things he does do which i adore him for are.... 

#1 Giving me a male point of view of the world.

Lifting/moving heavy stuff
Fixing things around the house/property... he looks so hot in his tool belt!
Chopping firewood.
Killing and 'cleaning out' any animals we kill and plan to eat.
Gutting the fish I catch.
Getting rid of the dead mouse on the front mat that the cat left us.
Taking out the trash.
Talking 'man stuff' with our sons.
Providing me with big manly arms for a cuddle when needed/asked for.
oh..and being my sexual play thing 

You sound like you have more than enough alpha to be considered manly. I suggest your problem lies in your (both of you) communication skills.... not your manliness. 

But don't listen to me, I'm wrong, according to them blokes in the clubhouse. I do not know of what i speak.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Geeze... I'm sorry to read that 01colt. The men there did give some pretty good advice. Clearly your want to Reconcile with your wife but do keep this in mind. It will take some time for you to move past feeling so angry, betrayed, ect. I hope your wife pulls her head out of her rear end and makes more of an effort in keeping you. 

I see your in the military. That is always hard on a couple. Hang in there.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I just read part of your other thread. So your wife is having on sexting affair.
> 
> How long were you in Afghanistan? It’s very hard to keep the passion and intimacy in a marriage when there are long separations. It’s pretty clear what is going on and why.
> 
> There is another book that you need to read. It’s by the same author as “His Needs, Her Needs”, Dr. Harley. The book is “Surviving an Affair”. It’s a quick read. Get it ASAP and read it as well. Those two books will give you the info you need to save your marriage, if it can be saved. And I truly hope it can be saved.


Thank you all for the sound advice. I have been considering leaving latly, lost hope, feeling and expresing rage, and just plan hurt about the cyber affair crap. I feel disrespected. Ill look for this other book. I really need help and love my wife! Right now I am our worse enemy due to the resentment I feel towards her. Thank you for the hope.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Well those blokes in the mens clubhouse would probably call me a liar... but here goes anyway....
> 
> My husband of 23 years does heaps of chores, he loves cooking and preserving food, makes wine and devotes almost all his spare time to doing things with me and our kids.
> 
> ...


Actually your advice calms the rage in me and gives me hope. I think what you said is why I came here. I dont want to only see this from a man perspective. I need to hear what woman thinks. You all are more grounded in your thought. Ive had guy in that thread tell me to just kick her out. :scratchhead: The best advice Ive gotten was from Anon Pink. She has kept me sane.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well we are all different and the only person to ask is your wife.

And to give you an idea of why asking others for their advice won't work is that what the other men suggested would only be manly to some women.
Personally I loath anything to do with guns and military life so don't view this stuff as being about the type of man I like.

My man is manly to me, he is big and strong, he strives to be the best man he can be at work, with his son and in our relationship. He is intelligent, active and happy, to me he is all man.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Kicking her out would be so easy if you didn't love her. You care about her though so it's not as easy as that. Easy to say though.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You wanna know the most manly thing you can do...... Play dress up with your daughter and have a tea party in a pink dress and angel wings, or play whatever games she wants. 

Why is that manly? 

Because it takes on hell of a real man to raise a daughter and show her how healthy relationships go. Anything to keep her off the stripper poles out away from men who would abuse her.

Wanna know the second most manly thing you can do?

Keep your hands off your wife or your children and not raise your voice. 

How so?

Because any man can beat the crap out of those who are weaker than him, but it takes a real man who uses his words to make a difference. And just because you can yell doesn't mean you're the alpha male. Yelling and screaming to assert your dominance in the situation is something only animals should do. 

That's just my take on what is many and what isn't. I'm wearing way too much purple right now and listening to heavy metal on a bright pink ipod. I could care less if this is manly or not.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lmfao Nsweet... your a trip.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> Thank you all for the sound advice. I have been considering leaving latly, lost hope, feeling and expresing rage, and just plan hurt about the cyber affair crap. I feel disrespected. Ill look for this other book. I really need help and love my wife! Right now I am our worse enemy due to the resentment I feel towards her. Thank you for the hope.


I understand how you feel about the cyber affair. My husband did the same thing. They are real. Some people seem to think that they are not.. Probably because they have not had a spouse does this.

You have a child, right? Do not leave your family home and leave your child to live with her. She is the one cheating right now. If anyone leaves it should be her without your child. Before you ever move out, see an attorney to find out your rights in a divorce and with child custody, etc. But while you are fighting to save your marriage, do not move out. Do not go for any ‘trial separation’.

I know that I suggested you read “His Needs, Her Needs” first. But that was before I knew about the cyber affair. As soon as you get a copy (or e-book) of “Surviving an Affair”, read it. When there is an affair involved, “His Needs, Her Needs” is the second book to read.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I understand how you feel about the cyber affair. My husband did the same thing. They are real. Some people seem to think that they are not.. Probably because they have not had a spouse does this.
> 
> You have a child, right? Do not leave your family home and leave your child to live with her. She is the one cheating right now. If anyone leaves it should be her without your child. Before you ever move out, see an attorney to find out your rights in a divorce and with child custody, etc. But while you are fighting to save your marriage, do not move out. Do not go for any ‘trial separation’.
> 
> I know that I suggested you read “His Needs, Her Needs” first. But that was before I knew about the cyber affair. As soon as you get a copy (or e-book) of “Surviving an Affair”, read it. When there is an affair involved, “His Needs, Her Needs” is the second book to read.


We have a seven year old boy. I was in Afgan 7 months. I've been home. In our 10 years of marriage I've deployed 4 times 7-8 months at a time. We seem to handle it well both of us. 
Ill order it right now on amazon. 

When that happened to you how long did it take for you to find a healthy place, inside you? I have had a knot in my gut for over a week now and it hurts to my core. I have crazy urges to look through Iall her stuff and my trust is wrecked. I have even excepted that why I want this to work so badly im going to be fine either way. I feel like a emotional roller coster and that so far from whom I really am.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Considering she was in an EA you have every right to check her phone. There should be full transparency with her. She already broke the trust between you two. There is no reason why she should have anything locked or prevent you from seeing anything unless she is hiding something.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Considering she was in an EA you have every right to check her phone. There should be full transparency with her. She already broke the trust between you two. There is no reason why she should have anything locked or prevent you from seeing anything unless she is hiding something.


She did but after 4 days of fighting and me insisting. I was so disrespected through all this you all have no idea. I'm lost but have hope either way. My poor son saw me packing Sat. That was a bad night. I apologized to him and told him over and over it was not his fault. I told him daddy made mistake he was really crying hard thinking I was leaving. She was to and ask me not to cause of him. I feel bad but that night I saw remorse and she seem to see what she had to loose for the first time. I spent a lot of quality time with him. Me leaving is selfish I'm worried about him. 

Riddle me this ladies. Why did it take my sons perceived thoughts of loosing his father. For her to show me remorse, ask me not to leave and see that she would loose the life we have together. How is that my sons devastation accomplished that???? We have a great relationship all but sex and intimacy. It not for lack of me trying Ill tell you that. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful safe secure life together. I don't get it????


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Believe me... some of us do have an idea. When people are in affairs... they can't think of anything or anyone but their own selfish desires. Clearly the sight of you packing and your son crying snapped her out of it... hopefully completely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> Ill order it right now on amazon.
> 
> When that happened to you how long did it take for you to find a healthy place, inside you. I have had a not in my gut for over a week now and it hurts to my core. I have crazy urges to look through Iall her stuff and my trust is wrecked. I have even excepted that why I want this to work so badly im going to be fine either way. I feel like a emotional roller coster and that so far from whom I really am.


My situation was very different from yours in many ways. For example we had been married for less than 2 years. I found out that he was doing this before I met him. And he simply continued it through our dating, engagement and marriage.. not even telling the women what he was now remarried.

However, despite the differences, the emotional roller coaster is similar. It’s about the same no matter the type of cheating…for all betrayed spouses.

My husband’s cyber life was much more prolific than I hope your wife’s is. He had cyber affairs with a few women. He traveled a lot for his work. He met with 3 of the women and had flings with them when he was out of town.

I was able to break into his email and online chat accounts and contacted each of the women. Your urge to look through all her stuff is normal. You have the right to know what your wife is doing and to protect yourself. To me it’s a form of self-defense. 

He was out of town for the two weeks when I first found this out. To tell you the state I was in.. I seldom drink and do not smoke cigarettes. For those two weeks I lived on vodka and smoked cigarettes. I did not get drunk.. just needed to take off the edge. Strange as it seems I needed those chemicals to get through those first 2 weeks. After that I stopped that nonsense. I missed a lot of work as well.

Like many who discover affairs, I could not eat, think or sleep. It was horrible. For 6 months after that I was useless on my job. It was another 6 months before I started to function even half way normally.

It takes 2-5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from an affair. So don’t be too hard on yourself. So don’t be too hard on yourself for the pain, anger, etc. The roller coaster has just started for you unfortunately.

The one thing that saved me was finding the books I’ve recommended to you. That was about in the second month. I was still going through the emotional rollercoaster but at least I had something that gave me a plan and a path forward.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> She did but after 4 days of fighting and me insisting. I was so disrespected through all this you all have no idea. I'm lost but have hope either way. My poor son saw me packing Sat. That was a bad night. I apologized to him and told him over and over it was not his fault. I told him daddy made mistake he was really crying hard thinking I was leaving. She was to and ask me not to cause of him. I feel bad but that night I saw remorse and she seem to see what she had to loose for the first time. I spent a lot of quality time with him. Me leaving is selfish I'm worried about him.
> 
> Riddle me this ladies. Why did it take my sons perceived thoughts of loosing his father. For her to show me remorse, ask me not to leave and see that she would loose the life we have together. How is that my sons devastation accomplished that???? We have a great relationship all but sex and intimacy. It not for lack of me trying Ill tell you that. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful safe secure life together. I don't get it????


Oh, most of us know exactly how disrespected you were/are because we have been there.

When a person is in the middle of an affair they are stuck no selfish. In order to have the affair a part of their heart (if not all of it) is locked shut to their spouse. Her heart was not closed to your son however. So his crying and pain was like the carrier pigeon that was able to get your message through to her. (Corny I know but I think the analogy works.)


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, most of us know exactly how disrespected you were/are because we have been there.
> 
> When a person is in the middle of an affair they are stuck no selfish. In order to have the affair a part of their heart (if not all of it) is locked shut to their spouse. Her heart was not closed to your son however. So his crying and pain was like the carrier pigeon that was able to get your message through to her. (Corny I know but I think the analogy works.)


WOW!!!! I should have posted this here in the first place. You all make more sense to me. Lots of hate and anger I have been feeding off of else where is making me give up. I need hope that I can save this marriage. I love my wife!!!


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Please see my other thread for details but check this out. The night I confronted her with the internet affair, we had amazing sex 2 times in 3 hours.........WTH? was that fake? I'm not understanding. I responses in the other thread that I acted like a man, I put my balls back between my legs. that that was why? That night I yelled, accused, screamed, and said horrible things to the thing in my life I adore. What happened we had great sex 2 time in 4 hours. Im confused. I'm nice and am the perfect husband(her girlfriends words) I don't get laid. I'm pissed and being a [email protected]@ and we have sex????????Confuseddddddd


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> WOW!!!! I should have posted this here in the first place. You all make more sense to me. Lots of hate and anger I have been feeding off of else where is making me give up. I need hope that I can save this marriage. I love my wife!!!


There are a lot of people here who will tell you to just dump her, throw her out, etc. To start with you cannot throw her out of the family home. It's her legal residence as well as yours, so neither of you can throw the other out.

It’s completely possible to repair your marriage. I am a huge proponent of recovery if at all possible. I feel this way especially when there are children. It’s even possible to have a better marriage after an affair as the affair forces couples to evaluate their relationship and fix things.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

The sex thing is called 'hysterical bonding' google it.

You really should be reading/posting in the coping with infidelity section.

There is so much to learn and understand what your marriage is experiencing.
They will be able to tell you what her actions and words will be over the next few weeks, months.... it will give you a huge advantage and feeling of support.

So sorry your going through this...your distress is clear. Change has begun...keep up the momentum, make your marriage better or move on and do the best thing for your child. But for goodness sake don't let a night of good shagging make you think all is well... keep moving forward.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> Please see my other thread for details but check this out. The night I confronted her with the internet affair, we had amazing sex 2 times in 3 hours.........WTH? was that fake? I'm not understanding. I responses in the other thread that I acted like a man, I put my balls back between my legs. that that was why? That night I yelled, accused, screamed, and said horrible things to the thing in my life I adore. What happened we had great sex 2 time in 4 hours. Im confused. I'm nice and am the perfect husband(her girlfriends words) I don't get laid. I'm pissed and being a [email protected]@ and we have sex????????Confuseddddddd


All that great sex? It is a normal reaction to the discovery of infidelity. It’s called “hysterical bonding”. Generally when infidelity is discovered there are 3 types of sexual reaction… different couples react differently: 1) Some couples go into “hysterical bonding”; 2) Some couples have no sex because one or the other refuse sex because they are hurt; 3) Some couples are on a sexual roller coaster.. cycles of “hysterical bonding” and then cycles of no sex and cold withholding.

On the topic of the ‘perfect husband’. After your read “Surviving and Affair” and “His Needs, Her Needs” we can discuss the perfect husband thing. 

Remember that you are pissed and being an a$$ because you found out she is having an affair. That is not the same thing as just being a abusive a$$ because that’s your nature. Your wife is having an affair because the two of you have lost your bond to each other, your connection. It’s not an excuse. She chose to have an affair instead of work it out with you. She’s in the wrong. But that is what led to her being so selfish as to have an affair. They hysterical bonding is the start of the two of you re-connecting. If you want to repair your marriage… go for the hysterical bonding.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

waiwera said:


> The sex thing is called 'hysterical bonding' google it.
> 
> You really should be reading/posting in the coping with infidelity section.
> 
> ...


Okay I did and I get that HB thing. But after that night.............nothing.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

It's a reaction...not a new behavior. Sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> Please see my other thread for details but check this out. The night I confronted her with the internet affair, we had amazing sex 2 times in 3 hours.........WTH? was that fake? I'm not understanding. I responses in the other thread that I acted like a man, I put my balls back between my legs. that that was why? That night I yelled, accused, screamed, and said horrible things to the thing in my life I adore. What happened we had great sex 2 time in 4 hours. Im confused. I'm nice and am the perfect husband(her girlfriends words) I don't get laid. I'm pissed and being a [email protected]@ and we have sex????????Confuseddddddd


Just want to make sure you know that the hysterical bonding was not because you re-asserted yourself as a man and yelled, drug her by her hair, hit her with the metaphorical club, yada yada yada. It was due to the highly charged emotional environment caused by the discovery of the affair, the threat of losing each other etc.

If the hysterical bonding, or great sex, was do to you acting like a man, yelling ,etc. … than what would be the reason that when I discovered my husband’s affairs… I cried, I was divested, yes I yelled at him.. I defiantly did not MAN UP or ACT LIKE A MAN. But I was definitely experiencing a very strong need for hysterical bonding sex… constantly for months.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> All that great sex? It is a normal reaction to the discovery of infidelity. It’s called “hysterical bonding”. Generally when infidelity is discovered there are 3 types of sexual reaction… different couples react differently: 1) Some couples go into “hysterical bonding”; 2) Some couples have no sex because one or the other refuse sex because they are hurt; 3) Some couples are on a sexual roller coaster.. cycles of “hysterical bonding” and then cycles of no sex and cold withholding.
> 
> On the topic of the ‘perfect husband’. After your read “Surviving and Affair” and “His Needs, Her Needs” we can discuss the perfect husband thing.
> 
> Remember that you are pissed and being an a$$ because you found out she is having an affair. That is not the same thing as just being a abusive a$$ because that’s your nature. Your wife is having an affair because the two of you have lost your bond to each other, your connection. It’s not an excuse. She chose to have an affair instead of work it out with you. She’s in the wrong. But that is what led to her being so selfish as to have an affair. They hysterical bonding is the start of the two of you re-connecting. If you want to repair your marriage… go for the hysterical bonding.


I'm down with what ever makes this right. The HB thing great I'm down. I want to reconnect. But it was only that night. 7 days later I'm still no intimacy and no sex I know the difference in the two.

I am not at all not in fault here. My lack of expression of what I've been feeling for couple years to her about no sex has caused rage in me. That rage and resentment has not been communicated till now. I almost feel bad like its my fault. I wasn't honest cause this "nice guy avoids conflict cause I love her. I am so not afraid of conflict now, I just hope its not to late!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> Okay I did and I get that HB thing. But after that night.............nothing.


You need to read those books. The books explain it. 

Your wife has many unmet needs. You most likely do as well. The two of you have done very little to maintain your emotional (or love) connection to each other. So you are on the HB/No-sex rollercoaster. HB during highly emotionally charged times like when you exploded about her affair. Then no sex otherwise.

There have been several deployments when she is left alone. You were gone for months again. The two of you spend no time together as a couple when you came back. She's a normal woman. With no time spent to maintain the passion, she loses the desire for sex with you.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

waiwera said:


> But for goodness sake don't let a night of good shagging make you think all is well... keep moving forward.


LOL, I'm not that shallow, but believe me I know what you mean!
:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Something we all need to learn.. avoiding conflict on hard topics like no sex is not being a nice guy. Avoiding conflict and letting the anger build is called being passive aggressive.

There was little to no sex for a couple of years and you avoided it. You say it was because you are a nice guy avoiding conflict. To her I'm sure it looks like you just did not care if you had sex with her or not. Perhaps what is going on in her mind is that since you did not care enough about sex with her to try to fix it, what does it matter to you if she gets sex else where.

This is what happen when "nice guys" and "nice gals" neglect to communicate. Complete breakdown


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You need to read those books. The books explain it.
> 
> Your wife has many unmet needs. You most likely do as well. The two of you have done very little to maintain your emotional (or love) connection to each other. So you are on the HB/No-sex rollercoaster. HB during highly emotionally charged times like when you exploded about her affair. Then no sex otherwise.
> 
> There have been several deployments when she is left alone. You were gone for months again. The two of you spend no time together as a couple when you came back. She's a normal woman. With no time spent to maintain the passion, she loses the desire for sex with you.


You have a good understanding!!!! I need to find a marriage Therapist that will help us understand this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> You have a good understanding!!!! I need to find a marriage Therapist that will help us understand this.


I'm going to nag you until you read those books. They were written by a marriage therapist who understands this. After I read the books, I gave them to my husband to read. He read them. Then we read them aloud to each other taking turns reading each chapter and discussing them . Best marriage therapy I've ever had.

So I'm nagging you


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Something we all need to learn.. avoiding conflict on hard topics like no sex is not being a nice guy. Avoiding conflict and letting the anger build is called being passive aggressive.
> 
> There was little to no sex for a couple of years and you avoided it. You say it was because you are a nice guy avoiding conflict. To her I'm sure it looks like you just did not care if you had sex with her or not. Perhaps what is going on in her mind is that since you did not care enough about sex with her to try to fix it, what does it matter to you if she gets sex else where.
> 
> This is what happen when "nice guys" and "nice gals" neglect to communicate. Complete breakdown


I've always been HD. She started LD 2-3 years ago. I'm always trying . as of 1 year ago resentment is growing. I gave up only 2 months ago trying to initiate and fighting with her about. Now my resentment is uncontrollable rage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> I've always been HD. She started LD 3-4 years ago. I'm always trying . as of 1 year ago resentment is growing. I gave up only 2 months ago trying to initiate and fighting with her about. Now my resentment is uncontrollable rage.


Uncontrollable rage about her low sex drive will not make her want to have sex with you. There is a saying “Women need a reason for to have sex, men just need a place to have it.” While not 100% accurate it’s a very telling statement. Why would a woman want to have sex with a man who cannot even find the time between all those hobbies to pursue her and date her? 


Also, she went LD after she had your son. She's working full time, going to school and taking care of your son. She's probably pretty tired. 

Is she on birth control? Is she on any anti-depressants? They can lower the sex drive. Did you say that she has a thyroid problem? That can lower the sex drive as well.



Rage about an affair is understandable but you have to control rage and keep it as something that drives to you action.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Uncontrollable rage about her low sex drive will not make her want to have sex with you. There is a saying “Women need a reason for to have sex, men just need a place to have it.” While not 100% accurate it’s a very telling statement. Why would a woman want to have sex with a man who cannot even find the time between all those hobbies to pursue her and date her?
> 
> 
> Also, she went LD after she had your son. She's working full time, going to school and taking care of your son. She's probably pretty tired.
> ...


She has tubes tied, not on BC. The Thyroid problem is possible. She does work full time. Shes busy so I use the hobbies for something to do, I've invited over and over. To not one resolve. So me and Dy** have fun together my son.

The rage has never been displayed to her till the EA. We had many discussions about my needs not being met. "honey I know Ill work on it.' then I still had nothing...................


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

01coltcolt said:


> She has tubes tied, not on BC. The Thyroid problem is possible. She does work full time. busy so I use the hobbies for something to do, I've invited over and over. To not one resolve. So me and Dy** have fun together my son.
> 
> The rage has never been displayed to her till the EA


Tubal ligation can cause a decrease in libido in some women. She does need to work on her libido as a healthy sex life is important. But it's not just her deciding to rev it up. There seems to be work needed in other aspects of the relationship that would impact her libido as well.

Your last post is a bit hard to understand. What do you mean "I've invited over and over"?

How is the house work, grocery shoppoing, child care, paying bills etc, all divided up?


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Tubal ligation can cause a decrease in libido in some women. She does need to work on her libido as a healthy sex life is important. But it's not just her deciding to rev it up. There seems to be work needed in other aspects of the relationship that would impact her libido as well.
> 
> Your last post is a bit hard to understand. What do you mean "I've invited over and over"?
> 
> How is the house work, grocery shoppoing, child care, paying bills etc, all divided up?


I have ask her to come with DylXX and I when we ride 4 wheelers. I know she would enjoy this. Not happened.

Housework:
I clean kitchens and living space she does the bathrooms. She does laundry and tells me not to touch, lol. I suck at laundry. I cook a lot. I enjoy it. I like to grill. We are both very health eaters. For the most part I feel like I do more, but I'm cool with that She's in school full time Masters in Health care management.) and that's a investment in our future.

We grocery shop n Sunday usually together. 

Bills/investments are 100% percent my realm, but she helps. Im good at it.


All I can say is I'm 110% in and not getting my needs met. Because Im a Male I don't understand the sub conscious contract break.

Males think Imcool ur cool. Like levels cause of our sexual needs. Contact- If I do this... this should happen............. When it doesn't I'm not good with that. I try harder. Vicious cycle trust me. Male ends up over doing things for her and ends up resenting and hating when contract gets broke repetitively...........


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

- or + I told her tonight. "Im sleeping with you in our bed. I need o feel close to you. I'm feeling better. Not angry today. That's a good sign an I miss you, BAD! 

that being said I've slept in the guest room for days since d DAY(MY CHOICE) just ANGERY!!!
Honestly all things aside I just miss her!!


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

I find my wife attractive on levels I cant explain. I feel bad cause in the past two years I stare at her lust after her, but don't act on it. Its a fear of rejection, and conflict I created in my home. To deal with her LD.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hey Colt, I'm so glad you started a thread here! It's been almost comical reading this thread after having been posting on your other thread.

The men from the other thread gave you easy to digest, easy to grasp solution based answers. They were good advisers to get you going forward and not get mired down in rage and resentment. Youve taken all that and moved forward with it. Excellent!

And now you're here with the ladies who are providing a deeper understanding into how things got to be bad enough for a cyber affair to creep into a cracked marriage. As you read the books EleGirl is *nagging* you about  you'll probably go through deeper cycles of resentment, guilt, rage, resentment, guilt, rage...

I think it would be really helpful for you and your wife to read those books together, as EleGirl suggested. Since it's just you posting here, it's hard to get a bead on what's really going in with your wife and how much, if any, effort she's putting into getting your marriage back on track.

Please go through those books with your wife, reading aloud to each other, talking about points that strike close to home. Post back with those conversations.

You're gonna be alright and your marriage is gonna survive this. :smthumbup:
Edited to add: Stay out of the coping with infidelity forum! WAAAAAAAY too much anger and rage in there and IMO, right now that's the last thing you need to be exposed to!


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Hey Colt, I'm so glad you started a thread here! It's been almost comical reading this thread after having been posting on your other thread.
> 
> The men from the other thread gave you easy to digest, easy to grasp solution based answers. They were good advisers to get you going forward and not get mired down in rage and resentment. Youve taken all that and moved forward with it. Excellent!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_
Once again Anon Pink, you came through with a wisdom into our situation that has brought me hope. God bless you. I'm needing grounds that are not rage driven. I got enough inside me that I deal with trying to stay sane right now. She deserves a 110% effort. I give every other aspect of my life. Thank you your a angel.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Going to councilor Thursday, I feel hopeful


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Tubal ligation can cause a decrease in libido in some women. She does need to work on her libido as a healthy sex life is important. But it's not just her deciding to rev it up. There seems to be work needed in other aspects of the relationship that would impact her libido as well.
> 
> Your last post is a bit hard to understand. What do you mean "I've invited over and over"?
> 
> How is the house work, grocery shoppoing, child care, paying bills etc, all divided up?


I get all the factors that cause LD in a woman. Explain the Masturbation after I go to sleep? I've clearly told her please wake me. I want you. Then the cyber affair. She said "It was just a thrill. He is on the other side of the states. It was nothing. ect. I get it I'm a man very sexual by nature. I still none the less want to kill him. I still feel hurt and betrayal................


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So what exactly is your wife doing to show remorse, and to show that she is willing to do the heavy lifting to repair this marriage? It sounds to me like you have taken everything on yourself, you keep blaming yourself for her mistake. No matter what has happened, SHE is the one responsible for her affair. 

That said...the "manly" things you listed, yes I agree that they are manly, but what is it you are hoping to prove by listing these things? Her seeing you do these things is not going to save this. Yes, do things for yourself, work on making yourself as good a partner as you can be, the books recommended are very good. However, the ball needs to be in her court, as SHE is the one who betrayed here. She needs to tell you and show you what she is going to do to make this right.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

She has only really showed me remorse on D day an the night I packed an was leaving. The hurt an remorse only seemed to me that it came from my sons pain as the result. I can't believe how bad we are hurting him. I can't believe that that's what it took to open her eyes to what she has to loose. I'm so full of resentment.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

I know I'm blameing myself but I've told her repetitively this is a 50/50 thing


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

01coltcolt said:


> The list wasn't trying to prove anything.. It's always been me. I enjoy doing them. I was trying to understand how they have value from a female perspective. The mans group told me they have value because my wife sees/ views me as a man is attracted to that. I don't think that has anything to do with the root problem. I was looking for clarification of that. Also your right I tend to put alot of weight on my shoulders. This is part of the problem she's haveing with admitting fault. She has grown accustom to not haveing too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

01coltcolt said:


> She has only really showed me remorse on D day an the night I packed an was leaving. The hurt an remorse only seemed to me that it came from my sons pain as the result. I can't believe how bad we are hurting him. I can't believe that that's what it took to open her eyes to what she has to loose. I'm so full of resentment.......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok she is remorseful for hurting her son. What about you?? What is she doing FOR YOU? Is she sorry she hurt you? Has she given you a heartfelt, sincere apology? Does she love you? Is she willing to open up every single aspect of her life for you, and answer each an every question you ask? Is she willing to go to counseling with you? Is she willing to start going on date nights with you? Spending one on one time with you, the 15 hours every week that is recommended? This is where your focus needs to be, stop saying that you are selfish, because when someone betrays you, you NEED to focus on yourself, and so does the betrayer!


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok she is remorseful for hurting her son. What about you?? What is she doing FOR YOU? Is she sorry she hurt you? Has she given you a heartfelt, sincere apology? Does she love you? Is she willing to open up every single aspect of her life for you, and answer each an every question you ask? Is she willing to go to counseling with you? Is she willing to start going on date nights with you? Spending one on one time with you, the 15 hours every week that is recommended? This is where your focus needs to be, stop saying that you are selfish, because when someone betrays you, you NEED to focus on yourself, and so does the betrayer!


I get that. 
She has appoligize but not in a conversing way.
She is going to counciling with me. Havent, been yet but on Thursday.
She is willing to go out on dates an spend time with me she says.
The rest .....,.........not at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok she is remorseful for hurting her son. What about you?? What is she doing FOR YOU? Is she sorry she hurt you? Has she given you a heartfelt, sincere apology? Does she love you? Is she willing to open up every single aspect of her life for you, and answer each an every question you ask? Is she willing to go to counseling with you? Is she willing to start going on date nights with you? Spending one on one time with you, the 15 hours every week that is recommended? This is where your focus needs to be, stop saying that you are selfish, because when someone betrays you, you NEED to focus on yourself, and so does the betrayer!


I get that. 
She has appoligize but not in a convensing way. 
She is going to counciling with me. Haver been yet but on Thursday.
She is willing to go out on dates an spend time with me she says.
The rest .....,.........not at all she has not focused on me at all!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

01coltcolt said:


> I get that.
> She has appoligize but not in a convensing way.
> She is going to counciling with me. Haver been yet but on Thursday.
> She is willing to go out on dates an spend time with me she says.
> ...


It sounds like the only remorse she has is that she got caught, and that her secure little life is now in danger of imploding. She MUST focus on you, and what she has done to you. I'm glad she agreed to counseling. I know you two are early into this crisis, I really hope she follows through.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> It sounds like the only remorse she has is that she got caught, and that her secure little life is now in danger of imploding. She MUST focus on you, and what she has done to you. I'm glad she agreed to counseling. I know you two are early into this crisis, I really hope she follows through.


I'm so numb right now I don't know what to do. But the pain in my stomach hasnt left yet.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Colt, my H avoids conflict like the plague. Its taken him 28 years to understand that pretending his didn't screw up isn't going to make me forget he screwed up! 

I wonder if Mrs. Colt is avoiding this on purpose? Have you seen any other behavior from her that indicates she knows shes done a baaaaad thing? Has she been trying a little harder to be extra cheery, has she been initiating conversation more, seeking you out more, telling you things about her day more? Anything?


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Colt, my H avoids conflict like the plague. Its taken him 28 years to understand that pretending his didn't screw up isn't going to make me forget he screwed up!
> 
> I wonder if Mrs. Colt is avoiding this on purpose? Have you seen any other behavior from her that indicates she knows shes done a baaaaad thing? Has she been trying a little harder to be extra cheery, has she been initiating conversation more, seeking you out more, telling you things about her day more? Anything?


Oh yeah, shes doing all of the above. Im not talking about the affair thing anymore. It always makes me mad and gets ugliy on my part. So she's cheery, initiating converstation lots. She thinks Im depressed. No true intimacy or sex. The bright side is shes not ignoring me. Im not so sure how to bring up the affair thing to the counciler. Should I see if she does, lol. Doubt that will happen. But she needs to talk about it not avoid it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Don't WAIT for anything...if you want something to happen YOU need to make it happen. 

Don't be passive...be proactive .

If this gets rug-swept history will repeat itself. I would just about guarantee that!

I think bringing it up at counselling is a very good idea. You get to tell her how your feeling, about the pain and knots in your stomach...she needs to understanding how hurtful and damaging this has been.

She also needs to know how hurt you are by the lack of sex and affection in everyday life. It's just not healthy for a marriage.

It's almost like shes still in a fog... has she given up all her passwords and devices to you yet? That has to happen...100% transparency is a must for healing. Otherwise how can you trust the sexting guy if out of the picture. Cause if he isn't... your marriage can't heal.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

:iagree:
Right on sister W!


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Don't WAIT for anything...if you want something to happen YOU need to make it happen.
> 
> Don't be passive...be proactive .
> 
> ...


She gave me all the passwords. I havent brought myself to look again. Ive told her how I feel right now. She can see in daily in my face.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think Waiwera was suggesting you bring the subject up and let her know you need to hear remorse, see remorse and feel that she is genuinely remorseful of having betrayed you, hurt you and and cause the marriage such damage. Keep in mind, she does read TAM so she probably doesn't really know how to deal with this.

I actually think you oughtta get her a screen name and have her read these threads. No one has bashed her, here in ladies at least. She may not be really aware of the depth of your pain?


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I think Waiwera was suggesting you bring the subject up and let her know you need to hear remorse, see remorse and feel that she is genuinely remorseful of having betrayed you, hurt you and and cause the marriage such damage. Keep in mind, she does read TAM so she probably doesn't really know how to deal with this.
> 
> I actually think you oughtta get her a screen name and have her read these threads. No one has bashed her, here in ladies at least. She may not be really aware of the depth of your pain?


I think shes well aware. Im so depressed today I havent eat much all week. On a good note I saw alittle effort just now. She called and ask if I could come home for my lunch break for dinner. She never cooks, I always liked cooking. (I used to do it in many nice resteraunts) Its sort of a hobbie. When I got home I was on the couch, just relaxing, while she finished. She ask if I was okay and said I look tired. I awnsered "no, Im not okay. But I dont feel like fighting either." She ask "if I could go talk to somebody about how I feel." I told her I would wait till we see the counciler. We ate dinner when she walked by me to get the plate she touched my hand. She hasnt done that in years! We hugged before I left. She said, "I love you." I kissed her an left. I know its not much but its a step in the right direction.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

01coltcolt said:


> Oh yeah, shes doing all of the above. Im not talking about the affair thing anymore. It always makes me mad and gets ugliy on my part. So she's cheery, initiating converstation lots. She thinks Im depressed. No true intimacy or sex. The bright side is shes not ignoring me. Im not so sure how to bring up the affair thing to the counciler. Should I see if she does, lol. Doubt that will happen. But she needs to talk about it not avoid it.


You cannot keep NOT talking about it. You must find a way to to talk about it that can be productive, to control the anger so you can get the information you need. If you wont talk about it, a couple things will happen... a) she will think you are rug-sweeping the issue, therefore she isnt "in trouble", and things will never be truly resolved, and b) your marriage will go right back to how they have been over these last several years, both which will set her up to do this again. Can you really deal with your marriage being the way that it has been? Only it will be even worse, because not only is there no sex and affection, there will be no trust. 

Be sure YOU bring this up with the counselor. Be proactive on this, so that she has to face her responsibility.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Be very careful! You're feeling vulnerable right now and her attempts to soothe you and get you into therapy, because she cares.... and feels guilty, can make you feel you in love with her and therefore have you want to sweep everything under the rug. After being ignored and emotionally abused, even something as little as a smile from her can give you a tremendous dopamine rush. It's the same reason people stay with abusive spouses..... The few times they pull their punches you're feeling stockholm for them and in love. 

You need to hold your boundaries, and wait and see. 

She could be just trying to do the bare minimum to keep you hanging on so she can pick back up with her affair and continue to sit on the fence about leaving you or the AP. Or she could be 100% committed to you again and willing to do anything and everything to make this up to you. The only way you will know for sure is if you follow through with the 180, and in this case that means You ACT HAPPY, and PULL AWAY FROM HER.

DO NOT make the mistake of letting her mother you through your depression or she will lose respect for you and will leave you. You've got to buck up whenever you're around her and let your therapist take care of you. You might also want to consider taking a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant for the next month or two.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

I'm interested it your interpretation of my wife an my text today.
Me
One more try. Your unavailable to me, on so many levels.
1. Our seperations TDYs, work schedules, hard to find time

2. Zero intimacy (physical touch) holding hands, ect an natural expression of love an being loved.

3. Then there is just sexual needs. 

Our balance of the above is so out of wack. No wander all this is happening. We are going to flush a wonderful life if not fixed. Dylan pays the ultimate prices! 


Her response: No he won't. Ill make sure of it. I already told u that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Not good. Completely ignores your heartfelt attempts to reach out and communicate about the meat of the issue. Not good at all. But what does it mean?

Does your wife avoid conflict? Is she stubborn and unable to admit to mistakes easily? Does she tend to blame others? Does she ever say things like, "why did I do that?" just simple self blame like "damn I forgot to get milk again! Why do I do that!"


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Not good. Completely ignores your heartfelt attempts to reach out and communicate about the meat of the issue. Not good at all. But what does it mean?
> 
> Does your wife avoid conflict? Is she stubborn and unable to admit to mistakes easily? Does she tend to blame others? Does she ever say things like, "why did I do that?" just simple self blame like "damn I forgot to get milk again! Why do I do that!"


We never really have ever fought. So possibly avoids conflict as I do. No self blameing though, not really blameing other either.


Her response: No he won't. Ill make sure of it. I already told u that!
She is refering to the "I'll do what ever I have to so I dont hurt him." "Ill be your slave, bah bah." Commit earlier in the thread. While all the while like you said no acknwleagment of the causes, mentioned..............I dont get it??


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Dude, you're chasing her!

What is it you want her to tell you that I can read through the lines, that she's cheating, that's she's rejecting you, that you're too available, that she's finding excuses to treat you like crap? Because off of it's true. 

And what's been said about her avoiding conflict. If she won't tell you want you need to work on because she doen't want to fight, how can you two ever fix the problems in your marriage? If she runs into another room to cry about and with hold her feelings the ways my wife did, she's bound to cheat with any man who will comfort her and blow smoke up her ass about how he wouldn't be exactly like you and treat her better..... A load of BS! 

She may not even be mature enough to ever reconcile without just giving you huge list of needs you need to meet for her to stick around or problems you need to fix, because she's perfect and the victim in this relationship. But if you want to even stand a chance of reconciling, you had better leave her the hell alone and get a life without her. Trust me on this one. You never want to chase after a woman who wants nothing to do with you. Screw her! If she doesn't want you, she can be easily replaced by a woman who loves you for you.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Well now, that was encouraging now wasn't it? Dam, bro your harbor more anger than me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Some posts trigger the anger we feel about our own issues. It's hard not to but we should try to avoid seeing our own situation in those of others.

He does bring up a valid point but I don't have an idea about how much is too much and where to draw the line. Doing the 180 and no more Mr. Nice guy... Those theories essentially state you should do your own thing and not follow her around like a puppy. But lack of together time might have been an issue in your marriage. AND you are trying to put it back together so in some respects, you've got to bring it up and force the issue onto the table.

How did counseling go today, it was today right?


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Some posts trigger the anger we feel about our own issues. It's hard not to but we should try to avoid seeing our own situation in those of others.
> 
> He does bring up a valid point but I don't have an idea about how much is too much and where to draw the line. Doing the 180 and no more Mr. Nice guy... Those theories essentially state you should do your own thing and not follow her around like a puppy. But lack of together time might have been an issue in your marriage. AND you are trying to put it back together so in some respects, you've got to bring it up and force the issue onto the table.
> 
> How did counseling go today, it was today right?


Things at councilor went well today. I was by my self. But councilor says he will bring her in. We will see. He did give me Some good advice. He told me to tone my anger down from 85 to 20%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

And that's the first thing that will improve things in your marriage. Anger management, which is more than just taking a class and breathing exercises. It's closer to a martial art learning to calm yourself down avoid unnecessary arguments and fights.

I had to deal with those stupid classes before. Let me just tell you, you're better off learning this on your own so you'll know how to handle yourself in the moment. All the notes in the world and re enacted scenes can't help you when you forget them in the fog of anger. 

If you're not on any sort of mood stabilizer or anti depressant you'll benefit from 500-1000mg of L-tyrosine once or twice a day which is super cheap. It's the precurser to dopamine and helped me a lot. I could tell you to workout or take karate classes, but that's not going to help you when you're brain is a mess with anxiety an depression.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> And that's the first thing that will improve things in your marriage. Anger management, which is more than just taking a class and breathing exercises. It's closer to a martial art learning to calm yourself down avoid unnecessary arguments and fights.
> 
> I had to deal with those stupid classes before. Let me just tell you, you're better off learning this on your own so you'll know how to handle yourself in the moment. All the notes in the world and re enacted scenes can't help you when you forget them in the fog of anger.
> 
> If you're not on any sort of mood stabilizer or anti depressant you'll benefit from 500-1000mg of L-tyrosine once or twice a day which is super cheap. It's the precurser to dopamine and helped me a lot. I could tell you to workout or take karate classes, but that's not going to help you when you're brain is a mess with anxiety an depression.


I have been at Crossfit all most 4 times a week. Its like P90X on steriods. It helps. Bro, Ill try that suplement if you say it works. In my case a anger is in need of coming out. Ive been surpressing it for so long. Bottom line is I am pissed! I hadled a arguement pretty well:

I went home for dinner, I work nights. She said everything to me about her day ask me about projects and how they were going at work. Being nice to me. That being said she knew I went to see a marriage counciler and not once did she mention it. So I ask, "when would be a good time to go with me?" She said, "I cant go next Thursday, I have...." I said, "thats cool hes they are pretty flexible and have evening hours. Ill find out what they have open." She still said nothing about it. I ask in a none threating way "Do you want to go?" Then she got made and in a condisending voice snapped "I all ready said I would go." I interupted stateing "What are you getting mad for?" She said, "We all ready talked about this." I then said, "Well do you think it will benifit us?" She continued being a smart [email protected]@ "We already talked about this and started raving about "I keep bringing it up!"...............I walked in the livingroom and interupted her again, "You know the last time you got mad, an defensing like this, was when I ask you to show me your commputer. You disrespected me and I know you were lying!" "So Just stop now!!!" I shut her down and left the house. Screw that crap!


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

I got to tell you, not only do I feel I'mpowered over this when I'm mad. It's a he// of alot better than the hurt an anexity that's been eating my guts for 2 months straight!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Stop pressuring her! 

Just think about it like this, in a way you're asking her out on a date even though you're date is with a MC. That being said, you should know by now you can't pressure your wife to see you if she doesn't feel comfortable with you first. And a lot like asking your wife out on the first date all over again you're going to have to drop any expectations of her coming with you and just focus on having fun with her. She has to know you're not just going to take her to therapy so you and the MC can force her to recommit or bash her for cheating. That's the waywards greatest fear in marriage counseling, that you're going to try to change her mind and make her stay. 

The only way you're going to get her to go to MC with you, have her recommit to you, and make things better in your marriage is if you stop fighting with her and just give into what she wants for right now. All you have to do is the first step in the 180 which is to agree with her about leaving you, getting a divorce, living somewhere else, or not going to MC, you name it just agree so at the very least you will stop fighting about your way not being her way and vice versa. Just agree with her and say something nothing the next time you go and come back. Normally, I'd have you say something like "You don't have to come if you don't want to", but seeing as you just had a fight you need to leave her alone for a while and let the dust settle between you two. 

And just so you know it sounds to me like you and your wife are in a pretty good place emotionally. You may dissagree, but your wife is still telling you about your day when she comes home, when she's still complaining TOO YOU, she still LOVES YOU! It's when she is very quiet and withdraws around you and doesn't want to say.... That's when she's telling her stories to another guy and you're marriage is pretty much over. 

You also need to let got of the "I must" mindframe of "I must, bring her with me to MC" or "I must get her to agree with me!", "I must have sex with her again soon". Let go of all of that and focus avoiding fights and arguments with her for the next 3 or 4 weeks and see if that doesn't make a difference. It will I promise! 

Reconciliation is all about attracting your wife to you again, which means moving very slowly and sometimes working backwards. That means stop worrying about sexual contact with her, stop trying to get her to say "I love you" or get her to do anything with you as more than just friends, stop telling her every single thing about your day if she doesn't care, and just focus on the BIG 3. The big three are comfort, time spent together, and fun. If you're already feeling comfortable together and not seeking avoidance behaviors to avoid conflict, and you're spending at least 3 or fours hours together a day not counting sleeping in the same bed, then you need to focus on having fun without chasing her or forcing her to do anything with you. 

And just a minute here I want to smack you upside the head withthe 2x4 about jealousy and anger. Jealousy and anger are not your friend, jealousy will trick you and make you feel better for a short time but these two are killing her attraction for you, her respect for you, and just plain killing your marriage. Knock it off already! Don't let your wife be the death of you emotionally or physically. 

That being said I have a couple of ideas of things you might try that will help your marriage. You could try the old stand by of enjoying your life while you pull away to see how she handles it, but this can back fire if she's feeling really insecure and thinking up excuses to leave and make it your fault. Other man or not, it all comes down to how she feels about herself and how she feels about you. My vote would be for you to think up an outside hobby you can enjoy with or without her, something physical but not working out so she doesn't feel insecure or get sweaty, and something as a group with other men and women. How do you feel about dance classes a few times a month? It will work for you because you get free hugs and enjoy the company of women who aren't looking to steal you away. If not that, you could take a music class where you can learn to express yourself creatively and bring out those emotions on command instead of locking them away. I've been playing guitar for over ten years now. 

Now wait, I got it. It kind of goes against the not giving your wife presents for nothing rule, which is why you will say you got it for you..... An Xbox 360 with a Kinnect, maybe the magnifying lense with it for shorter range of play, and Just Dance 3. Women love this damn game becaus it teaches you how to dance. And it's such an odd gift she's going to hate it until she sees you playing and then want to join in to have fun. Anything like this where you can both get physical together and be together without fighting is going to help you get along. I did the same thing with my ex wife taking her to arcades where we each pumped in about $5 in quarters and had a blast, even though she was cheating on me at the time and we fought like crazy, those moments helped up reconcile as friends before divorce. And I might add being more fun than Mr. Facebook drove him crazy and she turned off her phone to be with me after he started freaking out. 

Just remember, reconcilation is not impossible for you! But you need to really rethink how you were when you married her and how you think and act around her now. I have a feeling you were a lot more comfortable taking things slow and not pressuring her before you took things a step further with sex, and you went out of your way to set aside you negative feelings to only show her the positive and fun you. You didn't do that anymore after marriage did you? That why you have to focus on what you're not doing to keep her in love with you. By not complaining, not criticizing her, not arguing with her, not trying to make her happy but just letting her be unhappy away from you and comforting her when she comes to you...... which remind me...... the next time she comes to you and want to complain about her day, other women, or you, JUST LISTEN to her and comfort her. She doesn't want you to fix her problems because she can do that on her own. She just wants you to see you can pay attention to only her, hear you say "everything is going to be ok", "I understand", "I agree with you", "those women are just jealous of you" and stuff like that. She just want you to cheerlead her a little and enable her to keeo trying instead of give up and sink into depression. And might I just add, many people marry their spouses after they've shown them they can be comforting and listen to the complaints and criticisms that their past exes didn't want to hear.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Nsweet,
Alot of what you said makes since. I guess I should try. If I don't and I fail anyway, Ill feel better in the long run.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

There is no "trying" when it comes to getting your marriage back. Reconciliation is not a fad diet or trendy restaurant, you can't just say you're going to stop pressuring her, stop chasing her, stop criticizing her, and stop complaining, one day and then turn around and undo everything by slacking off. There is no "trying" if you want her back as badly as you say. 

Why else do you think a lot of waywards come back only to leave saying nothing changed a coule weeks to a couple months later. The betrayed or left behind only puts up enough of an effort to get them back and then starts to slack off while in the high of having them back and feeling in love again. 

You gotta make a healthy marriage your priority, and the only part you have control over with that is how you handle yourself. What I'm saying is.... You need to learn how to deal with stress in a healthy and productive way, you have to keep up the effort and "act as if" you're happy even when you're stressed and upset with her or life, and you absolutely have to learn to pull away from her when she doesn't want you to be with her. 

Some real life examples of this are when you come home from work pissed off and you just know she's got something she's going to complain about as soon as you open the door. Maybe she wants you to help her do something she could have done by now, maybe it's diaper duty or the kids, you don't know what but you know it's something. You could avoid he and run from your problems into a bottle of Jack Daniels, but you know this is only going to make things worse. Studies have shown that the way couples act around each other in the first four minutes sets the scene for the rest of their time together.... I saw it on Dr. Phill and then found it on google. 

So what you do to help yourself get in a positive mood when you're feet are aching from work and you're in no mood to deal with any stress is you buy a cheap pair of Crocs or flip flops you can year without socks for the car ride home. Then on the way home you stop somewhere and whip out your phone to watch a funny video on youtube or listen to an old song you haven't heard in years. You could even watch a few minutes of porn to get you in the romantic mood, but I would advise against it if you're marriage is in trouble and you can't remember the last time you had sex where she didn't sort of phone it in and just go through the motions. 

When you come home in a positive mood and you got that emotion down you gotta keep going with it even when the house is a mess and you're wife is upset about something. It's the same mental proccess prisoner of war detainees use to keep themselves alive in POW camps. I heard of two stories like this that just goe to show you, one was a guy who was so good at dealing with his emotional problems after he lost his whole family that the guards kept him alive for IC sessions, and the other was a guy who played imaginary golf day in and day out and actually improved his game when he was freed. The "Act as if" rule really helps you in the long run because when you're wife sees you're happy no matter what and she can't get you down because she feels bad, she's going to act happy to see you. And in a Pavlovian conditioning she will be happy when she thinks of you again. No one wants to remember someone they just had a fight or an argument with last night in a positive light. 

And then the pull away rule...... It's just like when you were first dating and getting to know each other. If she said she didn't want to go out with you, maybe she was feeling bad or still not sure about you..... What did you end up doing? You agreed with her and pulled away, then you had fun on your own. The same thing will work here every time. If she says she doesn't want to go to MC with you then you go by yourself, you stop on the way home pick up a bar of chocolate, eat half of it by the time you come through the door with a smile on your face, and you don't say a word about working on your marriage. She's going to wonder what got into you and maybe three or four weeks later she's going to want to try it again. But what she doesn't want from you is another fight, or argument where you make her feel bad about being with you. You have to look on the positive side instead of focusing on her affair...... Dummy, she is still with you! She is still living with you, picking up after you, and telling you about her problems during her day. Don't take this for granted and only focus on what you want. Just stop talking about the problems you have with her and focus on having fun, you'll get to those issues faster than you would other wise and she'll be happier to work on your marriage..... Only when she is happy with you!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow! I don't know how the brotherhood views this, but as a wife I say truth! NSweet, you make perfect sense!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What can I say, I'm a 25yo divorced marriage counseling savant. 

And screw what the brother thinks with all their alpha male bullsh!t! Wife's and live in girlfriends don't want men who cause problems and beat their chests like animals. The want men who are willing to put up with hearing about their problems, not argue about every little thing or just let things go, and still find excuses to tell their women how they adore you for all the small things they take for granted. 
*"I can tell you had another bad day today, when you're ready I would like to hear what happened" *
You let her tell you when she's ready if she want to (No pressure!) And then you just listen and don't try to fix anything, just comprehend and comfort her. _"Those women you work with are just jealous of you, screw them"_

*"You always..... Nevermind, I would rather not fight than have a bad next couple of days." *
No fight is worth the stress it adds to marriage. If you can't reach a concensus then let it go and come back to it when you're both in a better mood. It's tough to do when you're in the heat of the heated argument but it always pays off cool down first and then talk about it like adults later. This means pull your punches and don't say the really hurtful things even when you're super pissed off. 

*"I got you a little something as a thank you for picking up my dry cleaning this morning. I know you didn't have to do it, but I thank you for it anyways". *
Guys, I'll bet every man can think up a list of 20 things his woman does for him that she's never appreciated for. Write it and keep it in your wallet for you.... It will also help out keep her from shopping while angry with your credit card if she sees the things you appreciate about her. Show her you remember and appreciate her by surprise or when she needs you to the most (the jackpot and the motivational carrot!) Anything that you bought on the spur of the moment or for approval seeking doesn't count, so if you want forgiveness or sex this means no candy or flowers. Even a once in a while direct approach where you tell her exactly what you like about her will make her day. And remember just because she gave up on caring about you and is pulling away, doesn't mean you can't surpise her with a once in a while comment you've been saving.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

I like this side of you. Very rasional, poised an collected. The me I miss from mths ago. Anxiety, resentment an rage are eating at me from within. Councilor 2 days now has helped. He called her. Not sure what they spoke of. But he called me an said she was ole sent an made a appointment to talk with him allown. I'm optimistic an looking forward to a good weekend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Listen man, I've been through this too. I know what you're going through, I know how much it hurts to have your wife cheat on you and ready to leave you for some idiot she met and only has sexual attraction for, but nothing to actually build a relationship on. It's the most soul crushing painful thing I ever felt. But it doesn't have to ruin you,....... Or your marriage, if you act in time!

You only get a little room for error in reconciliation before she's made up her mind and never wants to see you again except over divorce papers. That's only one or two big fights which will set you back months and make you feel like the biggest f*ckup for arguing when you didn't have to. You need to get ahold of yourself now so you can deal with her and not blow up ruining a good time. 

There will come a time when the teen in you really want to stomp your feet and get your way, and then adult will step in and have you take a walk or some deep breaths. Better to learn that now so you don't back slide a lot. I'm not saying my way is any better, but lifting weights using different breathing exercises helped me the most. It was like my body knew what to do when I was stressed and Ifound myself relaxing my chest and taking deeper breaths when I absolutely wanted to throw something at her.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> Listen man, I've been through this too. I know what you're going through, I know how much it hurts to have your wife cheat on you and ready to leave you for some idiot she met and only has sexual attraction for, but nothing to actually build a relationship on. It's the most soul crushing painful thing I ever felt. But it doesn't have to ruin you,....... Or your marriage, if you act in time!
> 
> You only get a little room for error in reconciliation before she's made up her mind and never wants to see you again except over divorce papers. That's only one or two big fights which will set you back months and make you feel like the biggest f*ckup for arguing when you didn't have to. You need to get ahold of yourself now so you can deal with her and not blow up ruining a good time.
> 
> There will come a time when the teen in you really want to stomp your feet and get your way, and then adult will step in and have you take a walk or some deep breaths. Better to learn that now so you don't back slide a lot. I'm not saying my way is any better, but lifting weights using different breathing exercises helped me the most. It was like my body knew what to do when I was stressed and Ifound myself relaxing my chest and taking deeper breaths when I absolutely wanted to throw something at her.


I had a good work out today (Crossfit is crazy!) and I bought the L-Tyrosine you suggested. Im ready to have a good weekend with my family. Thank you for taking the time to encourage and settle me. All the leave that B***H advice is adding to my fears, anxety and anger I have. I feel good right now, strrong and confident that this is going to be successful in the long run. I'll give her another week to go see the councilor till I go back. I hope he can get her to talk, and help us figure out the breakdown and way ahead. Thank you


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I hear yah, you don't want to hear you have to leave her from people that don't know her. It up to you to come to that conclusion, when and if you do, on your own without our say. I hope your MC can calm her down a little and figure out her first reason for leaving this marriage. Your wife is going to give a few deflections before you get to the real problems three or four layers deep. 

The MC may help, then again he/she may not. Unfortunately, a lot of MC kinda suck when it comes down to dealing with personality disordered spouses and getting to the mental issues like depression behind what your wife may be hiding to pretend she doesn't need to go to therapy. Hey, it happens. If that happens just tell me on here, I'm pretty good at decoding this stuff, it's going to be the same scripted material anyways. No really a lot wayward excuses are the exact same from story to story. I'll tell you if it was Professor Plum in the Kitchen with the Candle stick a lot quicker than you'll figure out on your own. 

But I want to remind you, you're marriage can't be saved in a week. Let go of that expectation and focus on having fun just by yourself at first, then later with her. And Dude, reward her for going to MC but act like it's no big deal. Maybe bring home a dinner or something SMALL and slightly special, like a few slices of expensive cheesecake.

Oh, and you can keep your crossfit. I love Doggcrapp training at home but with slow hard calisthenics, a 35lb kettlebell, 200lb sandbag, and a lot of will. If you work calisthenics hard in the beginning you won't need a lot of free weights to wear you out right.


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> I hear yah, you don't want to hear you have to leave her from people that don't know her. It up to you to come to that conclusion, when and if you do, on your own without our say. I hope your MC can calm her down a little and figure out her first reason for leaving this marriage. Your wife is going to give a few deflections before you get to the real problems three or four layers deep. Unfortunately, a lot of MC kinda suck when it comes down to


We will see, he seems good. 28 years he's been doing this. Maybe she would be better talking to a woman. IDK


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

01coltcolt said:


> We will see, he seems good. 28 years he's been doing this. Maybe she would be better talking to a woman. IDK


He couldn't hurt your situation, he just not a miracle worker. 

Have I told of the 110% when it comes to therapy if you want to avoid many costly sessions that get you nowhere? Each time you go to IC, come back 110% happier. It's that simple! You're wife won't know what got into you and will want to come along to find out wha makes you so happy and to cheer herself up like that too. She's got to be feeling pretty miserable right now so she's going to want to try anything to fix that. 

OK I GOT IT, see if your MC can't write you an Rx for sugar pills. When your wife asks what got into you, you can just offer her one and let the placebo effect take over. It's really, nothing is going to work better than coming home happy to be married and not telling her exactly why, bet you anything she want to go with you a couple times to make sure you're not getting some yummy on the way home or paying extra to get the happy ending marriage counseling. Don't use jealousy on purpose, but certainly don't reassure her you're always goign to stick around either.


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