# How to begin healing



## Lost One (Jul 23, 2011)

Hey everybody, I'm newly separated from my wife and utterly devastated. In a nutshell she told me about a week ago that she has been struggling for a couple of years with feelings of falling out of love with me. At first she was able to convince herself that those feelings were normal doubts that married people have (I have from time to time). But as time went on she could no longer talk herself out of it and decided it was time to tell me. As far as these things go, its going as well as possible. We are still best friends and there is no animosity or anger between us. We have turned our focus to raising our three beautiful daughters as a tight knit family unit. Its only been a week so obviously i know i should expect a lot of pain for sometime. But I am having a very difficult time coping with this and any insight would VERY appreciated. Thanks


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## climb on (Jul 23, 2011)

After 2 agonizing years of hoping for my wife to come back, here's my advice.

1) for deep lasting changes look up "Mind OS" and anything else by Paul Dobransky MD, you'll find a lot of good stuff at menspsychology.

2) go to askmen and look up every article by doc love; be sure to understand "wussus americanus". Though these articles are geared to dating they give great insight into all relationships with women, especially why they frequently fail.

3) "Tibi ipsi esto fidelis", get this tattooed on your forehead. To thine own self be true - Who are you? What are your passions? What do you really care about? What gets you excited? ? ? now, let nothing get in your way and GO FOR IT!!!! passion + integrity = magnetism

3) Be Your Best You; excercise, eat right, get GQ magazine and make sure you look sharp, be the most confident and best looking dad at back to school night, your girls will love it when all their friends rave about how cool you are.

4) have fun and be happy; take a vacation, don't tell your ex what you're doing, just arrange for her to have the girls and GO! 

Now... SMILE... you're happy, sexy, successful, confident and attractive; you're a man who knows what he wants and gets it; you're a superman and a superdad; your girls adore you, your ex secretly admires you, other women want you, and men want to be you!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lost One,

I hate to tell you this but when a woman tells her husband this it is because she is having an affair more often than not. Phrases like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' are part of the lexicon of an unfaithful spouse.

Separation is used to try out the new relationship out without having a guilty conscience because for the spouse wanting the separation, she is not married while separated - a stupid mindset because they are still legally married and thus cannot marry anybody else.

If I were you I would do some serious investigation to confirm whether or not there is another man in the picture.


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## Lost One (Jul 23, 2011)

Thanks for the tips, much appreciated. I don't really believe that there is another man in the picture, but my wife did tell me that she has found herself attracted to other people which created a stronger and stronger desire to date other people, thus creating more intense feelings of doubt in her mind. Of course it was the first question I had but she has been adamant that there is no one in particular she wants to date. I really believe that her feelings for me just changed over time. I'm as much to blame because deep communication between us was always an issue that we didn't work hard enough on getting better at. I think we got stuck in a rut of working and parenting and forgot about maintaining our own relationship. I ultimately just want her to be happy. And if that means with someone else then I have to accept that no matter the pain it causes me. But I try to remain optimistic that after sometime on her own she will realize she still loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mcline6 (Jul 23, 2011)

I agree that there is probably someone else, even if it is just an emotional affair. That doesn't necessarily mean that is the cause of the break-down, just likely a symptom. After finding a disturbing text between my wife and her girlfriend (about a guy), I checked phone bills and discovered she had been on the phone with him or texting him daily for several months. When I confronted her, she admitted an attraction but insisted that he was only a "friend" and someone she works on PTA with. I don't have any evidence that it was more than that, but I know that it was at least an emotional affair given the hours spent talking to each other. She would not admit that and all I can do is move on and realize that all I can do is accept that I am only responsible for 50% of the marriage - and there are things I should have done to make things better just as there are things that she should have done. Others have indicated to me that rarely do cheating spouses admit that they are seeing someone even when confronted. There is an added societal pressure to be the "good wife or good girl" so that I think it may even be rarer for women to admit it.

That said, even if there is someone else, it is probably more of a symptom of a breakdown rather than a cause in and of itself. I wish I could remember the name of a book I picked up at B&N, but it pretty much describes how relationships break-up. It was a sociological analysis and made no judgments. I could relate to much of what was written. Our marriage was breaking down at least 5 years ago and I had considered divorce many times. In some ways, we never learned to be a couple (rather more like 2 people sharing the same experiences). As stress at work and with no relief at home, things went from bad to worse. And I don't mean that either of us were physically or emotionally abusive, just that we lost touch. We were friends, had much in common, but our dates ended up being us sitting in a restaurant talking about our daughter. Not at all passionate. Its no wonder that we both sought outside outlets (I buried myself in work and she tried every diet, exercise program in sight).

Despite the pain and the hurt I experienced regarding my wife and her probable relationship, I remain friends with her and partners in parenting. I am just more guarded in my interactions with her and realize that I have to take care of myself. Our whole separation has been amicable and we are just waiting for the final decree. 

For me, I severely miss being a family. I hate not spending time with my daughter and I hate planning vacations that will not include my spouse. On the other hand, I realize that I really don't miss my spouse in the way I should. And even when I do think about the good times with her, I have to remind myself of the many times when I just felt miserable with her. I love her because of the relationship we had for many years and because she is the mother to my child. I wouldn't trade those experiences. At the same time, I am finding myself reinvigorated and learning to be true to myself, to have passion for things I had forgotten about, to treat myself well (healthy eating, physical fitness, etc.). This is a time to re-discover yourself and take care of yourself. As lonely as it gets (and it will get better), this is not a time to seek out other relationships or think you will never find a relationship again. Every advice book I have read says the same thing (although I admit I have tried only to understand exactly why advice books say don't).


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## ohrunner77 (Jun 15, 2011)

Lost One-
I can completely relate to your situation and your feeling of devastation. In fact it sounds strangely similar to what happened with me and my wife. A little background on my situation...my wife came to over 2 months ago and said she thought she needed to separate so she could have her space and figure out what made her happy. She told me she knew she didn't want a divorce right now, just that she needed to get away from me to figure out what she wanted. I was obviously crushed, not that it was a surprise - we've had our issues for yrs - but more crushed that at some point she reached a point where she felt herself slipping away and instead of telling me, she let herself go to the point where she needed to leave. I fought hard for our marriage, we tried counseling, etc. and at first it seemed like it might work - but she kept flip flopping back and forth b/t wanting to save our marriage or leave and get space. Ultimately it got to be too much - I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and it was best that she moved out. To top things off we have a 1 yr old daughter who is our pride and joy. Fortunately like you we have made her our number one priority in all of this - but as you know it was a difficult and devastating thing to go through. And to add insult to injury, my wife was having an emotional affair with a coworker who had gone through a divorce and was a person of support for her in all of this. She would text him constantly in the evenings during that month she was still at home and we were attempting to save our marriage and it killed me to know she was talking with someone else.

I will say that the first week after my wife moved out was the most difficult for me. To make matters worse, our daughter's first b-day just so happened to be at the end of that 1st week apart. We attempted to celebrate together and I put work a smiley face and an effort, but my wife was terrible. She said some really negative things and basically ruined the b-day for me. She even went so far as saying that it was okay if I met someone else. I was obviously furious but I didn't take it out on her in front of our daughter. I waited a few days and sent her an email saying that I thought what she said on our daughter's b-day was awful. I also told her that I was not ok with being with someone else and that if that was what she wanted and that's what the separation was about then she needed to end things with me for good. It was a tough thing to say, but I needed to stand up for myself and I was glad I got it off my chest.

I echo the sentiments of the others. The best way to cope is to focus on yourself. I know it's hard - I got the same advice and in that first week didn't think it was possible. But it's honestly the best way. I've taken a trip for myself to clear my head and it was great. I started to go to counseling myself and taking medication to deal with the depression I've had for yrs (something that contributed to my marriage problems). I focused on my daughter. I started doing things that I loved doing like running, working out, going out with friends, etc. and I found new passion in doing all these things. For me depression was a major issue and it clouded me from even enjoying simple obvious things like spending time with my daughter. Now that I'm focusing on improving myself I have found happiness again in doing the things I love. So I know I'm on the path to getting better.
I'm not going to lie, like MCLINE6 said - it does get lonely at times. I miss my wife terribly - she is my best friend and it's difficult not to reach out to her and have her part of my life right now. But I also know that I can't control how she feels or what she is doing - so there really is no sense wasting energy on worrying about those things.

Now it's been over a month since my wife moved out and over 2 since she said she wanted to separate. Just within the last 2 weeks, my wife has reached out to me. First I thought it was simply about our daughter (we have consistently maintained communicating about her throughout this when needed), but my wife is the one who called me and then wanted to talk about things other than our daughter. Like how I was doing, what I've been up to, how my trip was, how I've been feeling, the progress I've made with counseling, etc... And you know what she broke down and cried when she heard the progress / self-discovery I've made to date. She told me she loved me and that she had stopped talking to this other guy that she realized she was a shady guy who was only out for himself (I confirmed this through her cell phone records). She also told me it was too soon for her to change anything right now, that she still wanted time and space away. But I took all of this as a good sign. We have talked once more on the phone in the past week again not just about our daughter, but also about how our weekends were.
Now I know we have a long way to go - and I don't know how it will all turn out. I'm tempted to reach out to her and to ask her on dates and to make more progress on saving our marriage - but I know I need to follow her lead and let her be the one that reaches out to me. It's tough - but the best thing is to continue to focus on myself, which is exactly what you should do now.

Obviously, who knows if my story will have a happy ending with my wife - I'm hopeful at this point that it does, but it's too early to tell.
And I obviously don't know how it will turn out for you. I'm not saying it will go the way mine has - I'm just saying that I can relate and there are others like us out here who can.

Continue to use this forum for advice, but also make yourself the number one priority in your life. 

Good luck and I hope that everything works out for you!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lost One said:


> ...she has been struggling for a couple of years with feelings of falling out of love with me. At first she was able to convince herself that those feelings were normal doubts that married people have (I have from time to time). But as time went on she could no longer talk herself out of it and decided it was time to tell me. As far as these things go, its going as well as possible. We are still best friends and there is no animosity or anger between us...


Well you are asking for insight and your story automatically raises red flags for of us who can relate and whose spouses were ultimately being motivated by interest in a new relationship outside of the marriage.

What she is telling you, love you but not in love, checked out, need space and time are things that one says when they are under the influence of these new intense emotions of fresh romance. Of course they could also come from the heart, but typically it is a way for her to justify being untruthful and continue on with her affair.

As far as being best friends, that is exactly what she wants and why she can lie so easily, because she wants the security you provide with the passion she is getting on the side. She is possibly just as confused as you except has made a conscious decision to abandon the marriage - If she does have someone on the side I can't really say if this is better or if it would be better that she were hiding it under the guise of working on the marriage, but I can say it will really hurt you more dealing with both rejection + betrayal.

I would guard yourself closely, investigate what is really going on with her and brace yourself for the worst. No matter what though your best chance is to focus solely on your needs right now - climb on has some good suggestions. If she wants to leave she needs to be shown exactly what she is walking from because she can't see it through the fog.


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## climb on (Jul 23, 2011)

"I'm tempted to reach out to her and to ask her on dates and to make more progress on saving our marriage - but I know I need to follow her lead and _let her be the one that reaches out to me_. It's tough - *but the best thing is to continue to focus on myself, which is exactly what you should do now*.":iagree:

Can I get an "Amen"!

Again, to understand how to be exciting to your ex or any other woman, go to askmen and look up articles by doc love; when a romance dies and, you want to have any hope of rekindling the flame, it must be handled similar to courting a stranger. Let the past be gone for now, it's tainted in her memory with the negative feelings that caused her to have a wandering heart; you want her to have only positive associations related to you.

Also, to really work on your deep issues (boundaries, confidence, integrity, etc.) look up Paul Dobransky MD, "Mind OS", you can find a lot of his stuff at menspsychology. Dr Paul's guidance has put me back in control of every aspect of my life.

My ex (officially two weeks now and still getting used to it) did formally file for divorce. She was with the first guy while I was homeschooling our kids and awaiting her return in a foreign country, the second she did a one nighter with on her way to meet me and the kids. She confessed to the two guys after she made love to me, yuck, [email protected]#%&*!!!!! Only mention this to let you know that my advice is from experience. I desperately hoped for her to change her mind for the last two years; I even relocated to a remote small town, to where she had moved to be with her boyfriend, so that she could see the growth that I had experienced (I was still trying to prove myself worthy of her). 
I enrolled in grad school to keep progressing and during that time I discovered Dr. Paul, that's when the real changes took place! When the divorce came I did grieve the loss of a woman I loved and essentially half of the rest of my kids lives. However, because I had implemented the wisdom of Dr. Paul's "Mind OS", I am a complete, confident, person with passion and integrity, and I am able to use the divorce to further my progression.

Open Disclosure: I never actually purchased anything of Dr. Paul or Doc Love, I borrowed them from a friend who wasn't using them, just like his free weights and pull-up bar.

By the time the divorce came I had educated myself extensively; I was able to represent myself with full confidence and I negotiated for terms that were equitable. So now, two years after she left me, I'm a proud parent of two amazing children of whom I have joint custody and joint responsibility. There is no alimony and no child support (to keep the state out of my life I didn't mention that I know that she didn't disclose her full income, this made our incomes appear to be nearly even).

In two years I've experienced profound growth; I progressed my true confidence and self worth, built up muscle, lost fat, I dress like a modern man, my posture is better, I completed the MBA program and my circle of friends is constantly growing with mature healthy relationships (no more co-dependence).:smthumbup:

So, while you're working through the grieving process, focus on improving yourself. Close the gaping whole in your boundary that is letting her come in and take what she wants (your self esteem). _if_ she eventually comes back knocking on your door, you can then decide if it is a win-win, healthy, mature relationship. Don't compromise your standards no matter your history, that would be a violation of your integrity; nobody respects that and nobody wins from that, especially not you.

Your post is "how to begin healing"; I'm calling you out, time to *OWN IT*. Your situation is yours due to your own actions or lack thereof. *Time to stop reliving it and to "begin healing".* Dr Paul illustrates with the example of a lost wallet that it's your choice how many times you're going to grieve the loss. Some people are still reliving their lost wallets from ten years ago. Others lose the wallet, grieve the loss once, replace what they can, learn from the experience, and move forward. 

Your choice how much you suffer.

You can do this!

Onward and Upward!


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