# Woman point of view please



## sas (May 19, 2010)

Good AFternoon,

As my wife heads home from a trip, I am getting my emotions in check and want to approach this situation appropriately, and ensure that my view of the world is valid. 

Recently my second wife went of travel and met up with some female co-workers. They went out drinking together to burn off a little steam, something I didn't think nothing of. 

Well the following evening she tells me that they met up with a male co-worker as well and ended up going to his room hoping for a mini-bar. 

He ended up pulling the sofa bed out and she and a female coworker crashed on the sofa bed and another in the bed with him (clothed). She text me that evening she was going to bed that evening, but it wasn't her hotel bed. 

"I have a personnel rule, married you make it back to your bed hell or high water."

Now she tells me that nothing happen, and that she new she was sleeping on the sofa bed, but when they woke up they felt it was so wrong at so many levels. 

This does upset me, it damages my trust, and I question if she new where she was, but so drunk she didn't think it was wrong then how can one think she didn't think everything else through. How does one know that she didn't just pass out and get taken advantage of? And many more questions. 

We spoke of this over the phone, and I expressed my appreciation that she told me the situation. I expressed that I was disappointed and that she put her career at risk and we should discuss further upon her return. 

She has no past history of doing something so stupid that I am aware, but I am hurt, and concerned for her and it hurts that this damages the ultimate trust I have in her. This pushed me to question her state of mind when she goes drinking.. 

I find it hard to express my true feelings and emotions; I guess a male issue that I have yet to master; but I so want to and at a positive and caring way. As I stated this is my second marriage and I made a promise to myself that I would not compromise my values and stay in any relationship which has the trust compromised between one another, the question that comes is how much of the trust has been compromised or any at all.

Would you ladies feel this was appropriate, inappropriate, a male (myself) reading to damn much into it. I know we think things through differently. 

Ladies feedback is appreciated.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Hmmm...tough one to answer...and I guess it really comes down to if you believe her or not. If it was just her and another female co-worker on a sofa bed, even if a male co-worker was in another room, I wouldn't have any issues with it. Now, if she had been in bed with him, that's a different story. It may have just been dumb fun and she did tell you. And maybe the two of you need to discuss her drinking. I wonder if that isn't a bigger factor in all of this. If she had talked about any type of emotional or sexual attraction to the male co-worker then I would wonder about trust, but I don't know if that is the true issue here? I think maybe a couple of discussions about the event and maybe even a counselor/mediator to help you guys talk about this event and get down to the real issues at play here might help you make the best decision??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Having mostly male friends, I understand your concern. You KNOW what the man most likely wanted. But he had 3 women there. If he was going to shag any of them, it would have been the one dumb enough to sleep in his bed.

She told you the truth. She drank too much. She may have saved her life by not going out in the streets drunk. You should reward her for being so honest with you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sas said:


> Would you ladies feel this was appropriate, inappropriate, a male (myself) reading to damn much into it. I know we think things through differently.


definitely inappropriate and careless on her behalf. of course you are going to speculate about what happened. she's put herself in a compromising situation and lost your trust. that's her fault and her responsibility to gain it back. you dont owe her anything she hasnt earned.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's definitely true, but it also doesn't warrant him accusing her of anything worse than that, as the evidence doesn't support it. Especially given how honest she is being.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

We don't know if she was being honest. The whole story could be fabricated. That is part of the problem. But, OP, if you believe her, ok. 

I think that the drinking to excess should be addressed first--really careless and so dangerous, esp. in an unfamiliar environment. Rather than berate her, talk about what you agree as a couple is appropriate, and ask her to be completely honest and NOT to agree with you just b/c she wants to avoid conflict. If she wants to drink to excess occasionally, talk about creating a safe environment--even if away from home. What do you think would keep her safe and what does she think is possible (a designated sober female friend, if there is no designated driver?)

As long as this is an isolated incident, it would be best to let it go. If it happens again, though, you really need to find out why she is taking advantage of opportunities to go nuts when you aren't around. If you can ask non-judgmentally, and tell her what you think and feel, you may open a great dialogue. "I've noticed you tend to go wild away from home. I think you might feel constrained around me, and that makes me feel a bit sad and. . .Do I do things that lead you to think you can't go wild around me? Do you feel inhibited around me?" Calmness is essential, b/c she won't trust you and therefore won't be honest if she believes you'll react to her honesty with anger and suspicion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly.


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## BackChat (May 23, 2010)

Hi
It appears to me that you have been given details as she may have been innocently caught up in the moment, and regrets her actions, whatever they entailed. Thats up to you to explore. Let her know you appreciate her honesty, ask her what moved her to tell you in the first place, and if there is any thing she wishes to add that she may not have felt comfortable discussing over the phone. Discuss ways to avoid such situations in future. 
Try not to emphasise the impact its had on you as this may cause her to lock up and refrain from any further discussions with you on the matter to avoid causing you pain. Take it from the angle that you wish to support her through this issue. The idea is to keep the lines of communication open and then you should be able to make an informed sinsible descision..rather than a rash harsh one based on speculation. 
Even if there is more to her story is it the real issue or is her sensibilty simply blurred after a few drinks. Which may be the core issue. Or is she seaking excitment elsewhere? If so WHY? 
If you still have doubts could you maybe tactfuly and tastefuly confirm her story against a collegues? WARNING: This may cause alot more trouble in your relationship than what its worth...so think things through thoroughly if you choose to do so. 
Anyway this is all only my point of view it appears to me you are sensible enough to sort it all out. Keep level headed and it should all work out fine in the end.


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## sas (May 19, 2010)

Thank you all for your great points of view. I love all your rational approaches and I have to say that my approach was simple. 

We sat down and I express my feelings about the situation, that I hope that we could identify an approach in the future to reassure the both of us. 

We both agreed to set boundaries (applied to both of us). I expressed to her that I am able to move beyond this based upon that there is nothing in our relationship that warrant and distrust. Though that maybe the case I told her it is hard for me to honest think the worst as it really hurt me, but that is my feeling and necessary what you did. I have to work through my feelings and I hope that we can work through yours and she agreed. 

My feelings are mine. 

So are doing great and have moved on. We have agreed on our relationship boundaries wile on travel.


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