# Confused about husbands F buddy 😬



## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

I need advice. My husband and I are happily married. We both like the thought of being with another woman. We have been once in the past. It was great, but only happened once. He has been with another woman also without me. The thought of it turns me on for some reason. So now there is a younger woman who has shown interest in my husband. He loves it. At first I was excited. She wanted to be our friend and mess around on the side. We have been out with her a few times. It's always fun. My husband has been with her once without me. It was an awesome night for him for sure. We talk about it and it turns us both on. Well I started having weird feelings about it and it's driving me crazy. I allowed it to happen so I should be ok with it. Right? The thing that's bothering me is that the first time my husband was with her they had sex. The next few times she's asked him to go to her house they haven't done anything but talk and stuff. So like the third time he went there I almost lost it. It just didn't make sense to me that he has a F.B. but they aren't f'ing. Like why would she ask him over? Why not ask me over or us over? Why take my husbands time from me and then just talk or whatever? It does frustrate my husband because he definitely wants to mess around if he's there. She texts him everyday. She says things like, I wish you were here. Or, I miss you. Or, hope your having a great day. He gives her advice on things in her life. Anyway. I don't feel jealous because I don't think he's going anywhere. But I feel weird. She says she doesn't want anything at all and obviously knows he's happily married. But then she wants to cuddle or have him over and just talk. So what's really going on? Is she just friendly and it's innocent? Or does she like him more than she lets on? I'm not sure what to do! But talking to my husband just makes the situation worse because he doesn't really understand and he thinks she is just nice. So he gets frustrated and says he'll just stop talking to her. So then I feel bad because I let it happen! Idk what to do! Help!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You are being replaced. You opened Pandora's box.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

I knew I'd get those kinds of responses. I know that isn't the case. But thank you for your reply! 😊


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You both opened the marriage and are now discovering that it wasn't a good idea. Close it back up and never do it again. 

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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

You could be right. But why didn't it bother me with the other women? I think if he just went and had sex I'd be fine. But the cuddling and texting has me thrown off.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Married7 said:


> You could be right. But why didn't it bother me with the other women? I think if he just went and had sex I'd be fine. But the cuddling and texting has me thrown off.




Because it's more than just sex and therefore it is a threat to you. C'mon, you know this.

It's not just physical but turning emotional.


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## lorikeet25 (Jun 22, 2016)

She is trying to replace you. From your side you may know it is not happening, but her behavior would indicate that is her desire. She wants a close emotional connection with your husband and not with you. Since you are not included, she is not a friend of your marriage.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Crazy you say that. That's how I described it to him. I felt threatened. Not jealous because if he left me that'd be dumb, nor do I think he will. But I said I got so emotional because I felt my family was threatened.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Man. I sure hope not. My husband says that she tells him how much she likes me and how lucky he is. Like I said before, I've been around her a few times and it's always fun. But when I sit and think, my mind is all over the place. Just hoping for some clarity through this site.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Because it's more than just sex and therefore it is a threat to you. C'mon, you know this.
> 
> It's not just physical but turning emotional.


^This^

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you both?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lorikeet25 said:


> She is trying to replace you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Almost 40


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Ahh! Lol. I hope everyone doesn't think that! But I do get the feeling because of her actions. She is adamant that she wants nothing other than sex. My husband talks about me all the time to her. Surely she'd see he's happy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Go find another F.B. for your husband and maybe he will leave this one alone.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Those weird feelings ARE jealousy, with good reason. This woman is bonding with your husband on a sexual and emotional level. She is a threat to your marriage. You are being replaced, even if he doesn't physically leave the marriage. 

What you've agreed to is an open marriage. You now want boundaries in this open marriage and since what you've already agreed to is a violation of the boundaries in a faithful marriage, I don't see how this is going to be possible for you.

I too recommend you tell your husband how you're feeling and that you no longer agree to an open marriage. Once he hears it hurts you, it should stop. If it doesn't, then you have lost your husband already.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Lol! I wish it was that easy! I mean if I tell him he can't go then he won't. Our marriage definitely comes first. I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@Vinnydee

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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

😢thank you


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Story of my experience with an open relationship. Everything was great in the beginning. I was your husband. My partner felt threatened and expressed it just like you, repeatedly. His fears just didn't make sense in my head and I didn't take them seriously. He got the short end of the stick, a very unfortunate learning experience.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Thanks for sharing. It's hard to find someone else who can give advice that's lived what I'm living.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The girl is either out to replace you or is looking for a polyamorous relationship where she is the steady mistress/girlfriend of your husband and possibly you.

If you don't want a permanent third in your relationship then she needs to go.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Hopefully your husband is not as thick as I was back then. I'm ashamed at how I completely disregarded my partner's feelings only to prove every single thing he said right at the end. I ended up falling in love with the guy. Like your husband, we barely had sex. We spent close to 6 months just talking, not even cuddling, nothing sexual whatsoever. That alone should have made me realize that it obviously wasn't about the sex. It was an emotional affair in an open relationship.

I blocked out my partner because I felt for sure I knew what I was doing. When he tried to tell me how he didn't feel good about it, I felt wronged. I felt like he had agreed to an open relationship and now he was trying to renege on that. I think me starting to feel that resentment was probably the key turning point. Then it became more about me trying to protect my relationship with this outsider as opposed to protecting my relationship with my partner. 

I don't think there is anything good that can come out of your husband's relationship with this woman. Your gut is speaking up, just like my partner's did, telling you that this is not right. Take heed. In your shoes, I would ask that he discontinue the relationship with her as you are not comfortable with it. His response to that request will tell you how he really feels about this woman.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes, you should be _aware_, but I don't see that there is _necessarily_ any reason for worry at this point. IMO, they are developing a friendship, so FWB, not merely FB.

I had a 5 year long FWB with a woman much younger than my wife. Your description sounds similar to what we had. We developed a friendship, and would occasionally hang out together or go somewhere as friends. Mostly we just had an evening of great sex and talked about the rest of our lives. Sometimes my wife would come along on the social times, but often not. Sometimes we'd both visit her at her place, or she'd visit us at ours. There was never any concern that she wanted me to herself - and she really _didn't_ want that. We didn't communicate daily unless we needed to plan something, but probably did once or twice a week - we were both busy with other things, mostly.

If my wife every had concerns, I'd have backed off, fixed the issue of concern, or broken it off. Just knowing that I would do that was enough that she never needed to ask me to do any of those things. And I was very careful not to exceed reasonable expectations. Mostly, she was just happy that I was having a good time, as I'm happy for her.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Did your wife also see other people? Knowing my husband would stop if I asked does make me feel better about it. Did you and this other woman cuddle? For some reason that bothers me the most! Which is crazy to some people. But since you've been in this situation you may understand what I mean. What I told my husband was if your a F buddy then why text everyday? Why hang out without doing anything? Why cuddle? Ugh idk. Im not sure if I have weird feelings because something is off or what. Normally I'm not like this unless I find something out that I wasn't aware of.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A lot of women either consciously or subconsciously like the idea that they can get and hold a man’s attention without having “to put out.” Although this woman came along for the role of F buddy, she seems to becoming his muse as well. The less they have sex when they are together, I suppose the more empowered she will feel.

Whatever she wants in the idea, your husband or just the rush of being control of someone’s attention, it’s not good for your marriage and especially not for you. 
Don’t be surprised when your husband becomes progressively more negligent with you and, simultaneously, annoyed at anything you say or do.

Whatever this woman wants, it seems as if your marriage has become a casualty. The only to bring it back if it’s even possible, is for your husband to unload this woman.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Hopefully your husband is not as thick as I was back then. I'm ashamed at how I completely disregarded my partner's feelings only to prove every single thing he said right at the end. I ended up falling in love with the guy. Like your husband, we barely had sex. We spent close to 6 months just talking, not even cuddling, nothing sexual whatsoever. That alone should have made me realize that it obviously wasn't about the sex. It was an emotional affair in an open relationship.
> 
> I blocked out my partner because I felt for sure I knew what I was doing. When he tried to tell me how he didn't feel good about it, I felt wronged. I felt like he had agreed to an open relationship and now he was trying to renege on that. I think me starting to feel that resentment was probably the key turning point. Then it became more about me trying to protect my relationship with this outsider as opposed to protecting my relationship with my partner.
> 
> I don't think there is anything good that can come out of your husband's relationship with this woman. Your gut is speaking up, just like my partner's did, telling you that this is not right. Take heed. In your shoes, I would ask that he discontinue the relationship with her as you are not comfortable with it. His response to that request will tell you how he really feels about this woman.


I feel what your partner felt in that if I tell him to stop then I feel bad because I let him start it. I feel like he thinks I was never ok with it and I only let him because he wanted to. And that isn't the case. It was great until there were texts and visits that didn't go along with the F buddy idea I had in my head.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> The girl is either out to replace you or is looking for a polyamorous relationship where she is the steady mistress/girlfriend of your husband and possibly you.
> 
> If you don't want a permanent third in your relationship then she needs to go.


I may be ok with that as long as it's just sex. I don't feel they need to hang out alone if they aren't having sex. Maybe I'm crazy! Lol


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How come you don't get a F Buddy? I think it's time you do. It will be interesting how he reacts.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> You are being replaced. You opened Pandora's box.


Dude, quit hogging all the popcorn.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> How come you don't get a F Buddy? I think it's time you do. It will be interesting how he reacts.


Oh absolutely not lol. For one I don't want one. I am totally happy with our sex life. Plus I'd feel horrible and wouldn't open myself up to causing problems in the marriage. But he would not be ok with it. He would stop what he was doing for sure. Lol


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Married7 said:


> Plus I'd feel horrible and wouldn't open myself up to causing problems in the marriage. But he would not be ok with it. He would stop what he was doing for sure. Lol


And you see nothing wrong with this? :scratchhead:


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Married7 said:


> I feel what your partner felt in that if I tell him to stop then I feel bad because I let him start it. I feel like he thinks I was never ok with it and I only let him because he wanted to. And that isn't the case. It was great until there were texts and visits that didn't go along with the F buddy idea I had in my head.


It's not too late to establish open relationship rules/guidelines to address some of the things that you're not comfortable with. My partner and I sat with a counselor to do just that but a potential emotional affair was not considered and hence rules to avoid that happening were not included. We had it typed out and copied for each of us for future reference.

Clearly there is a disconnect between your boundaries in the open relationship and your partner's. That needs to be addressed asap. The way you're feeling now is not going to go away, it's only going to get worse and build up into resentment. An open relationship is inherently more fragile than a monogamous agreement. You don't want to add on the additional emotional stress of dealing with your current distress. Have a serious discussion with your partner and come together to establish some rules for moving forward.

If you say he would stop what he was doing if you weren't happy, then it should be easy to address this and come to a decision once and for all.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Married7 said:


> Did your wife also see other people? Knowing my husband would stop if I asked does make me feel better about it. Did you and this other woman cuddle? For some reason that bothers me the most! Which is crazy to some people. But since you've been in this situation you may understand what I mean. What I told my husband was if your a F buddy then why text everyday? Why hang out without doing anything? Why cuddle? Ugh idk. Im not sure if I have weird feelings because something is off or what. Normally I'm not like this unless I find something out that I wasn't aware of.


Yes, my wife also had/has FWB. She's also stop if I asked her to do so. And yes, I cuddled with my FWB (I've had a few) - I feel affection for them as friends, while at the same time knowing that's as far as it goes. Cuddling is just winding down, and talking - these are trusted friends, not things to be used and discarded. Sure, some people may bond too closely, but most who understand FWB also can keep their feelings under control if needed. We've (rarely) even spent the night with a FWB. My wife and I are poly in our views, so developing more of a relationship with someone else is a possibility, but the logistics and complications of that are just too daunting now. We did have a poly relationship for a couple of years shortly after we first met, but even then our other partners had no wish to take us for themselves, and respected our relationship. And they still do, so we're still friends.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Married7 said:


> Oh absolutely not lol. For one I don't want one. I am totally happy with our sex life. Plus I'd feel horrible and wouldn't open myself up to causing problems in the marriage. But he would not be ok with it. He would stop what he was doing for sure. Lol


Are you saying this is a one sided open relationship? I really hope this is not what you're saying OP...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Married7 said:


> Man. I sure hope not. My husband says that she tells him how much she likes me and how lucky he is. Like I said before, I've been around her a few times and it's always fun. But when I sit and think, my mind is all over the place. Just hoping for some clarity through this site.


What is your IQ?
I'm finding it odd that you can't handle figuring out that if a woman is screwing your husband, there's a huge chance she's going to get emotionally attached. She is.
Why do you act surprised? This is a simple equation to solve.

I personally think open marriages are ridiculously stupid.
Your story proves it.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Lol well he doesn't like it and I don't want it. On the other hand he has a super high sex drive and I find it hot thinking about him and another woman. Or being with him and another woman.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How hot do you find it for him to be gone with another woman forever? Because what happens when he DOES find one he LOVES to have sex with and LOVES to spend time with? LOVES!
Then, you just set yourself up to be divorced. That's the risk you run. IT doesn't get lower just because YOU are satisfied with the relationship.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)




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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Married7 said:


> I knew I'd get those kinds of responses. I know that isn't the case. But thank you for your reply! ��


Here's the thing you an deny it all you want but it's to your detriment. Sex was and intimacy was designed to create human bonding. It makes lots of sense evolutionarily as it is much better for a child to have 2 parents to help raise it, this was especially true before the neolithic revolution when one person had to hunt and the other person had to prepare the child to move, or basically carry the child around following the herd.

Also men are predisposed to seek out younger more fertile women better chance to have offspring. What you have done is basically left your back flank open, hell you opened the door and welcomed them with open arms. You have led your husband to your replacement. Now it's up to you and him to see if you can recover from this horrendous decision. Maybe you can but at least realize what has happened. People with open marriages like you never want to believe it, but it's really hard to fight human nature.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> How hot do you find it for him to be gone with another woman forever? Because what happens when he DOES find one he LOVES to have sex with and LOVES to spend time with? LOVES!
> Then, you just set yourself up to be divorced. That's the risk you run. IT doesn't get lower just because YOU are satisfied with the relationship.


Honestly, that is a risk. However, my thinking on this goes this way: If my wife were to meet someone who is truly a better match for her, so that she'd be happier and have a better life with them than with me, then she should go for it. We also both recognize that the initial stages with a new partner can be unrealistically exciting - in poly circles it's called NRE (new relationship energy) and on TAM it's usually called affair fog. So, we know that if such occurs, decisions can't be made until that passes and the situation can be seen more objectively. And it does pass, sooner or later. You don't throw away something good for a maybe - if what you already have isn't so good, then maybe moving on is a good idea regardless.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Married7 said:


> Lol well he doesn't like it and I don't want it. On the other hand he has a super high sex drive and I find it hot thinking about him and another woman. Or being with him and another woman.


This sounds kind of trollish


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Yes that is what I'm saying. I have no desire to be with anyone else. Not at all.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> What is your IQ?
> I'm finding it odd that you can't handle figuring out that if a woman is screwing your husband, there's a huge chance she's going to get emotionally attached. She is.
> Why do you act surprised? This is a simple equation to solve.
> 
> ...


To each their own. This is a new feeling I've been having and I am trying to figure my feelings out. If your flat out against it and think I'm dumb then maybe you shouldn't waste your time replying. 😜


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> This sounds kind of trollish


How can that sound trollish if I posted it on my own post? Lol


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

This is absurd. You let your husband get his needs met outside of the relationship (physical and emotional), and now you're concerned that he no longer needs you to get his needs met? Is that even a question? I'm confused where you're confused.

Look, this whole "open marriage" thing is fundamentally incompatible with the institution of marriage. Why even be married, if you're just going to sleep around with other people anyway? It makes zero sense, and defies reason.

If you didn't care sufficiently for your husband to demand that you have him all to yourself, you probably shouldn't be with him at all, and he doesn't seem to mind not being with you.

Here's an idea: go through an amicable divorce, and both of you see other people. If you don't like the "other people" sufficiently to stay committed to them, don't get married. Problem solved.

I don't condone "open marriages", and think they are a really really bad idea. Your post epitomizes why.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Honestly, that is a risk. However, my thinking on this goes this way: If my wife were to meet someone who is truly a better match for her, so that she'd be happier and have a better life with them than with me, then she should go for it. We also both recognize that the initial stages with a new partner can be unrealistically exciting - in poly circles it's called NRE (new relationship energy) and on TAM it's usually called affair fog. So, we know that if such occurs, decisions can't be made until that passes and the situation can be seen more objectively. And it does pass, sooner or later. You don't throw away something good for a maybe - if what you already have isn't so good, then maybe moving on is a good idea regardless.


Personally I think this is SO much better then people who pretend to want to be faithful and then cheat. I hope the stigma goes away and yet I think it is gross, however I think we all will be much better off in the long run. I have no fear that people who live like this will only ever be on the fringe because I don't really think this kind of thinking is what most people want. I think most people want there sexuality to be coveted by their partner. I think that is part of the reason for wanting a partner. But I also think it is quite obvious that there are some people who really just don't care about that. Sex is just like having coffee. It's better that we put all our cards on the table. 

I will add two caveat the risk and the potential for irreversible damage of the relationship needs to be spoken about from the get go. Seems OP never took that possibility seriously. I wonder if they ever even talked about that. Just because you don't care about sex at first doesn't mean that eventually you won't meet someone who you will bond with and leave your spouse high and dry. Again it is hard to fight against human nature. 

Then there is the other reason why this is a bad idea, and this is the big one. Children. What happens when someone gets pregnant, who has rights to the child. I really don't want the courts to have to waste time figuring all this out, but that is the price of a free society I guess. Also what does it do to a child who is born of this type of relationship. That would be the reason why I think it is a bad idea in a general sense, not a religious one if we are talking morally then I have a different opinion, but I still would rather this then people lie and cheat on a partner who wants to be monogamous. But people are having kids during affairs anyway so is this any more of a mess.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Married7 said:


> Yes that is what I'm saying. I have no desire to be with anyone else. Not at all.


Noooo OP. No established rules and only one partner having sex with others on the side? That is a recipe for disaster OP. You need to do something about this now rather than later.

I think you realize this is not turning out the way you imagined. And I think your LOLs/you laughing is nervous laughter, you trying to hide the serious anxiety and emotional stress you feel regarding the situation.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Happy to know how you feel 😃


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

I do have emotional stress and anxiety about it. Which is why I'm asking for opinions. Hoping to figure out why I feel this way now and not before.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Keke24 said:


> Noooo OP. *No established rules *and *only one partner having sex with others *on the side? That is a recipe for disaster OP. You need to do something about this now rather than later.
> 
> I think you realize this is not turning out the way you imagined. And I think your LOLs/you laughing is nervous laughter, you trying to hide the serious anxiety and emotional stress you feel regarding the situation.


Some rules are needed - at the very least, an in depth and wide-ranging discussion of how things work, the potential issues, and how to handle problems before they blow up.

There are many semi-open and mono-poly relationships where only one partner has sex outside the relationship. Again, this can work just fine with some excellent communication about expectations and boundaries. Most that are successful usually start with a bunch of rules, and then ease them with experience. Jumping in and hoping for the best seldom works - either someone gets hurt, or the experiment is ended (often unnecessarily).


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Married7 said:


> I do have emotional stress and anxiety about it. Which is why I'm asking for opinions. Hoping to figure out why I feel this way now and not before.


I think a few of us have addressed why you may feel that way. Do you have a clearer understanding now? Do you now have a better idea of how you're going to handle this moving forward?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I think you have to accept the possibility that your husband is lying and find a way to have an affair right under your nose. I had a FB and invited my wife to join us and everything we did was only with the three of us. We went out and vacationed as a threesoem and had sex as a threesome. We lived in the same house. We did have one on one sex after the threesome for some quality making love time. The threesomes tended to be purely about sexual pleasure. My wife specifically avoided doing anything with her girlfriend other than go shopping, because she said it would feel like cheating. I never took our girlfriend ( she was more than a FB. She was our lover.) out on a date without my wife. I did have another girlfriend that I spent time with and took weekend trips with but I never told my wife that we did not have sex. I cannot spend a day with a woman and just talk. There will be sex involved. Stop being naive and learn that cheaters never tell the truth. There is no good to be had from that.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

It confirms a few feelings I have. Which is probably why I have those feelings. 😀 Thank you to all who responded sincerely.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> I cannot spend a day with a woman and just talk. There will be sex involved. Stop being naive and learn that cheaters never tell the truth. There is no good to be had from that.



They didn't have sex because she wouldn't. Not because he wouldn't. That's why he went to her house, was to have sex. And that's what I was ok with. Then they ended up not having sex because of her. My husband was frustrated by it. And that's where my confusion set in as to what she really wanted out of their relationship. Seems she wants company. In my mind if she wants company she should ask a friend. Not a married F buddy. So that's where I'm having trouble with it. Hope that makes sense.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Married7 said:


> They didn't have sex because she wouldn't. Not because he wouldn't. That's why he went to her house, was to have sex. And that's what I was ok with. Then they ended up not having sex because of her. My husband was frustrated by it. And that's where my confusion set in as to what she really wanted out of their relationship. Seems she wants company. In my mind if she wants company she should ask a friend. Not a married F buddy. So that's where I'm having trouble with it. Hope that makes sense.


You get to set your own boundaries. You should probably negotiate them with your H, but you still get to set your boundaries in what you will or will not accept.

From the above comment and your earlier comments, I suspect that you viewed what you H was doing as just F-ing with an F-buddy with no emotional involvement. Your fear is that there is the potential for emotional involvement and you don't want to loose you H or have someone competing for your H's emotional affection. You can handle his F-ing another woman, but not getting to know her or develop any kind of emotional or meaningful relationship.

That is why some women can handle a husband paying money for sex, but not allowing the H to have either an affiar with someone they like and could end up loving. That makes sense to me as sex releases a variety of hormone bonding chemicals that typically cause two people to fall in love. With a paid pro or a true FB, there is not strings and no chance of attachment at least on the part of the other woman.

I would suggest that you and your H need to have some serious discussions on boundaries. This would probably be greatly helped by a marriage counselor. I would also suggest that you and your H get a full spectrum STD/STI test. 

Good luck.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Personally I think this is SO much better then people who pretend to want to be faithful and then cheat. I hope the stigma goes away and yet I think it is gross, however I think we all will be much better off in the long run. I have no fear that people who live like this will only ever be on the fringe because I don't really think this kind of thinking is what most people want. I think most people want there sexuality to be coveted by their partner. I think that is part of the reason for wanting a partner. But I also think it is quite obvious that there are some people who really just don't care about that. Sex is just like having coffee. It's better that we put all our cards on the table.
> 
> I will add two caveat the risk and the potential for irreversible damage of the relationship needs to be spoken about from the get go. Seems OP never took that possibility seriously. I wonder if they ever even talked about that. Just because you don't care about sex at first doesn't mean that eventually you won't meet someone who you will bond with and leave your spouse high and dry. Again it is hard to fight against human nature.
> 
> Then there is the other reason why this is a bad idea, and this is the big one. Children. What happens when someone gets pregnant, who has rights to the child. I really don't want the courts to have to waste time figuring all this out, but that is the price of a free society I guess. Also what does it do to a child who is born of this type of relationship. That would be the reason why I think it is a bad idea in a general sense, not a religious one if we are talking morally then I have a different opinion, but I still would rather this then people lie and cheat on a partner who wants to be monogamous. But people are having kids during affairs anyway so is this any more of a mess.


Can we not just go back to how it was before I read this thread? One partner per couple? This makes my head hurt...:slap:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married7 said:


> I may be ok with that as long as it's just sex. I don't feel they need to hang out alone if they aren't having sex. Maybe I'm crazy! Lol


It very clearly is not just sex.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> I think you have to accept the possibility that your husband is lying and find a way to have an affair right under your nose. I had a FB and invited my wife to join us and everything we did was only with the three of us. We went out and vacationed as a threesoem and had sex as a threesome. We lived in the same house. We did have one on one sex after the threesome for some quality making love time. The threesomes tended to be purely about sexual pleasure. My wife specifically avoided doing anything with her girlfriend other than go shopping, because she said it would feel like cheating. I never took our girlfriend ( she was more than a FB. She was our lover.) out on a date without my wife.


Ok, to be fair, this does sound kind of amazing. I didn't know this can be real life, but more like a dream, after which you have to change the bedsheets.
I guess one pre-requisite is to find a lesbian wife? And a lost/confused/unstable young girl? This just seems as improbable as the origin of life for some reason.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Married7 said:


> They didn't have sex because she wouldn't. Not because he wouldn't. That's why he went to her house, was to have sex. And that's what I was ok with. Then they ended up not having sex because of her. My husband was frustrated by it. And that's where my confusion set in as to what she really wanted out of their relationship. Seems she wants company. In my mind if she wants company she should ask a friend. Not a married F buddy. So that's where I'm having trouble with it. Hope that makes sense.


The problem really isn't in what she wants, it's in that your husband is willing to supply whatever it is she wants. Therein lies the main issue of why you feel uncomfortable now. Your husband is acting like he has two wives, not a wife and ''f'' buddy. It seems to be bordering into treating her as he treats you, his wife. That's not on her, that's on him.

I'd simply explain that you've had a change of heart, this now bothers you, and while you still like the fantasy aspect of it, you would like better boundaries now. Hopefully, he'll choose you.  If he doesn't, then you have a different set of issues to deal with.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Can we not just go back to how it was before I read this thread? One partner per couple? This makes my head hurt...:slap:


Lolol you don't have to read it 😉
That's why it's hard to get good advice. You almost have to have been in that kind of relationship to understand where I'm coming from. Sorry your head hurts!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Married7 said:


> Lolol you don't have to read it 😉
> That's why it's hard to get good advice. You almost have to have been in that kind of relationship to understand where I'm coming from. Sorry your head hurts!


You don't feel jealous when your husband has sex with another woman? (aside from the emotional bonding, this is the next stage of this madness)
Sorry, I am probably too old fashioned. I do sometimes have fantasies of my wife having sex with someone else (I think, that's because something is broken in my brain) but I know this would tear me up and kill me if she actually did it. 
Sorry I can't give you helpful advice. My instinct is that if it is worrying you, there is a good reason and you should put a stop to it before it's too late.
The chances of these kinds of thing working out well in the long run are very slim, why risk it?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Your H is a lucky man.

However, his "friend" is having an emotional attachment to him and not a sexual attachment to him.

This is not following your "plan".

If he goes over and does the emotional stuff, that is not what you agreed to when you started. You are right to be concerned. You should be listening to your gut.

Your gut is telling you important things. so make changes/ if he goes and they start to do the emotional stuff, he stops. he calls you. 

But I think that for now, you both go, or he gets a new FWB.

She can't have him and you should not let her have him. Stand up and listen to your gut. He needs a new FWB. She is not working out.

hope you find a better match next time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Married7 said:


> Lolol you don't have to read it 😉
> That's why it's hard to get good advice. You almost have to have been in that kind of relationship to understand where I'm coming from. Sorry your head hurts!


I have read many threads from people who are in the kind of relationships you are in. I have never thought that even they had any idea where they were coming from. The whole thing seemed like making it up as they go along. Again I think you guys are trying to do something that just kind of goes against human nature. Like communism (that's a joke, but not really). Why not post this on Reddit, there is a whole board dedicated to your kind of relationship.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

This is a boundary issue. And the discussion needs to happen between you and your husband. That uncomfortable feeling is really just a boundary being crossed. Your husband probably doesn't know about the boundary because you haven't told him. Possibly because you didn't know it was a boundary for you until he crossed it. From what you are describing it sounds like you are fine if he has sex with another woman, but you consider emotional intimacy to be yours only. You need to come up with some guidelines...maybe if sexual interaction hasn't been initiated in the first 30 minutes than he can assume that it's moving into the emotional range and that's not allowed. Or his sex dates can only last a certain amount of time and he should always be home to go to bed with you by such and such a time. Follow your instincts on this one and talk it out with your husband. 


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I have read many threads from people who are in the kind of relationships you are in. I have never thought that even they had any idea where they were coming from. The whole thing seemed like making it up as they go along. Again I think you guys are trying to do something that just kind of goes against human nature. Like communism (that's a joke, but not really). Why not post this on Reddit, there is a whole board dedicated to your kind of relationship.


I actually searched for these kinds of pages. I wanted to have people on the outside give advice so they wouldn't take either side. Of course most people in "normal" relationships think I'm crazy! So it's still hard. But I had no clue what site to go to. I just found one with a similar topic and joined it! Lol. Thanks for letting me know about Reddit. Cause I have no clue how to work these sites or which ones to use!


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

Good ideas. Thank you!


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

It was just sex in the beginning now he is seeing her on a regular basis which you didn't agree to. Well anyway that's what I got from it..I think y'all should drop her .cuddling is a NO NO TO intimate. Feelings are getting involved weather it's her or his your instincts is on point.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

Clarity only your husband can assure you

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think it would be wonderful to be able to enjoy casual sex. It works for some, but from knowing several people in open marriages, I think it doesn't work for the majority of people - even those who think it will. 

For many people sex causes an emotional attachment. Once that attachment is there, it risks the main relationship. There is a new person to go to with problems and complaints. The new person seems better, more exciting because you are only with them for fun, not for the chores of life. 

I know a couple that is divorcing over this. They both thought it would work, but it didn't. The husband ended up with a "fun" wife who's company he enjoyed for fun, and the "home" wife who was always doing chores and other non-fun stuff.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think what would make casual sex or ONS difficult, is that how could someone I don't love or don't know all that well, or trust at all, know how to please me, sexually? My fiance is amazing in bed largely because he knows me, knows what I like, what I don't like, I trust him...to sleep with someone you really don't know, how would they know what to do to please you? I've always wondered how that works. Maybe at times, people get lucky and a one night stand turns out to be the most mind blowing sex ever? Hmmm.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

His FB wants him all to herself and not just for sex, talking, spending time, etc.

That's why you aren't invited. 3 is a crowd. 

Your gut is screaming at you because you can be replaced.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I have open / FWB relationship experience. You want to trust your husband. Fine. But that girl (so far from what you are telling us) is actively trying to take your husband. If its just sex, there shouldn't be soooo many text messages about missing you, cuddling, I want you here. Your gut is talking to you... your brain needs to listen to it.

Close up shop... or somehow put up much stronger boundaries. If you both want to share a GF, then that means the three of you have a loving / caring relationship - meaning, SHE also gets her cuddle / kiss time with him. If you want just someone to play with - do it once a month but also, NEVER ALONE. Always together.

I know a woman who brought her boyfriend a woman to share. She lost her BF to that very woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Married7 said:


> I need advice. My husband and I are happily married. We both like the thought of being with another woman. We have been once in the past. It was great, but only happened once. He has been with another woman also without me. The thought of it turns me on for some reason. So now there is a younger woman who has shown interest in my husband. He loves it. At first I was excited. She wanted to be our friend and mess around on the side. We have been out with her a few times. It's always fun. My husband has been with her once without me. It was an awesome night for him for sure. We talk about it and it turns us both on. Well I started having weird feelings about it and it's driving me crazy. I allowed it to happen so I should be ok with it. Right? The thing that's bothering me is that the first time my husband was with her they had sex. The next few times she's asked him to go to her house they haven't done anything but talk and stuff. So like the third time he went there I almost lost it. It just didn't make sense to me that he has a F.B. but they aren't f'ing. Like why would she ask him over? Why not ask me over or us over? Why take my husbands time from me and then just talk or whatever? It does frustrate my husband because he definitely wants to mess around if he's there. She texts him everyday. She says things like, I wish you were here. Or, I miss you. Or, hope your having a great day. He gives her advice on things in her life. Anyway. I don't feel jealous because I don't think he's going anywhere. But I feel weird. She says she doesn't want anything at all and obviously knows he's happily married. But then she wants to cuddle or have him over and just talk. So what's really going on? Is she just friendly and it's innocent? Or does she like him more than she lets on? I'm not sure what to do! But talking to my husband just makes the situation worse because he doesn't really understand and he thinks she is just nice. So he gets frustrated and says he'll just stop talking to her. So then I feel bad because I let it happen! Idk what to do! Help!



"Oh what a tangled web we weave" when you allow others into your marriage without any boundaries. There are no boundaries at all in your marriage, you have established none and your husband is creating an emotional relationship with another woman, you will be on your way out soon if you don't put a stop to this. Of course your H is having a great time, he has his cake and eating it too, meanwhile you stand by and allow it. Maybe this type of thing works in la la land but not in the real world.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Married7 said:


> Knowing my husband would stop if I asked does make me feel better about it.


Don't put too much faith in him. I've lost count of how many stories I've read over the years that were *VERY* similar to this one. Open marriage, one spouse has a 'playmate' that the other spouse approved of - until further down the road when secret texts and secret meetings and declarations of 'love' were discovered. It's pretty common.

The chances are fairly high that even if you *do* 'forbid' him to see his playmate, they'll continue to stay in touch secretly and meet secretly.

The longer this whole thing goes on, the more emotionally invested in her he'll become.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Married7 said:


> Oh absolutely not lol. For one I don't want one. I am totally happy with our sex life. Plus I'd feel horrible and wouldn't open myself up to causing problems in the marriage. But he would not be ok with it. He would stop what he was doing for sure. Lol


Jesus. That's a real prince you got there.

*HE *sure has no problem 'opening himself up to others' and causing possible marriage problems. You choose to take the high road and make sure *his* feelings aren't hurt, yet he plows right ahead and takes whatever is offered to him. 

This makes you look like a total doormat by encouraging him to do whatever the hell he wants sexually because it 'turns you on,' yet you wouldn't 'dare' pull this bull**** _yourself _out of respect for your marriage. The high road is highly overrated sometimes.

So he's basically got himself a Hall Pass to do whatever he wants while you sit at home protecting his little male ego and then you wonder how you got IN the position you now find yourself in.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The longer this whole thing goes on, the more emotionally invested in her he'll become.


And the day will come when the balance tilts to 51% of his priority becomes her...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I think what would make casual sex or ONS difficult, is that how could someone I don't love or don't know all that well, or trust at all, know how to please me, sexually? My fiance is amazing in bed largely because he knows me, knows what I like, what I don't like, I trust him...to sleep with someone you really don't know, how would they know what to do to please you? I've always wondered how that works. Maybe at times, people get lucky and a one night stand turns out to be the most mind blowing sex ever? Hmmm.


Deidre, when you were busy and not paying attention, I went up to your wall and studied it. Being a builder "of sorts", I saw a few flaws. I know you will deny them.

Your wall has cracks in it.
Your wall has doubt blemishes, here and "there".
Your wall has another side to it. The unknown other side. *The fantasy side*. The greener grassy knoll side. Want to know-all side.
Your wall has at least one "what if" in it.

Patch your wall. Keep the mortar "tucked"...and when doing this do not scoop any "F's" out of the hod and add it to the mortar.

PS:
Love making is not rocket science. An experienced man can read the moonscape and anothers "eyes" and change course...on the fly.


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## Married7 (Apr 13, 2017)

I guess there are a few things I can do. 
1. Say we all hang out together. 
2. Say if you can have an FB then so can I. I wouldn't but that doesn't need to be said. 
3. Call it all off.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It could be that he just enjoys being with her. The things she says about you, well some women and men are great at manipulation. That's often how "players" work. 

Good luck to you both. I hope he chooses whichever partner makes him happiest. 

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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

Oh gosh...it can be so hard to see what's really happening when you're IN the situation yourself. 
It was a smart thought to come here to inquire. We are not involved so we have the ability to assess differently, more objectively. 
These are not things you hope to hear, but you need to hear it.
The threat you're feeling is legit- absolutely! 

See, sex appears to not have a deeply emotional draw to you, or so it seems. That is how you are able to share that part of yourself and your husband without worries. 

However, time spent together, talking, relating, learning about one-another, etc...those are bonding activities. I am so sorry but this is bad. Seriously. 

Please, if you value your marriage and relationship with your husband MORE than you value casual sexual relationships and swinging, then do yourself and marriage a MASSIVE favor and stop the contact between them.

What is happening between them is how two people fall in love. It's happening. You see it and don't fully want to believe it, so you're in mental turmoil. Face the fact.

Be aware of the reality and END the contact now if you want mental clarity and peace...and HIM! As it is, it will be hard for him- sounds like he is alread starting to fall- GO CATCH HIM!!!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I was under the impression that open relationships can only work if there is also open communication. So you need to be having this conversation with him and see how he feels about it. I imagine that if your relationship is as strong as you think it will be his idea to end things with his FB.


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## HazeyFadely (Apr 14, 2017)

This is beyond a FB. He needs to cut her off if he wants to keep you. Plain and simple. 

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