# The only hang up, cleaning the house?



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

In the five love languages I am highest in physical touch/sex.(big surprise there) My wife is highest in acts of service. 

I admit that I do not do enough cleaning around the house. It is something I try to work on. However.....I get overwhelmed easy when I try to clean up. If I do the dishes the sink is filled up with garbage,water,and dirty dishes. I do not understand why people throw garbage in the sink instead of the trash can that is two feet away. Like paper plates, the box frozen food comes in, plastic wrappers from bacon, ect. It takes me an half hour just to make a clean work surface. It can be perfectly clean and the next day it will be real bad again.

Normally I would work 12 to 14 hour days. The last thing I would love to do after work is clean when it is this bad. Regardless of the room it is this bad. It is the last thing I want to do on the weekends. This is not my current situation though, I lost my job in November. I should be at another job shortly.

It is funny because it seems like my wife could care less about cleaning except when I am home. She can go out and have fun ect. Then all of a sudden it is the most important thing in the world. Currently she works from 8:00 and is home around 2:00 on week days. She does have a second job on the weekends that are 8 hour days, but not always everyday of the weekend. So some times she will work two part time jobs 13 days in a row. She tells me how unfair this is. IN THE SUMMERTIME SHE ONLY WORKS THE WEEKENDS. The house is still a mess, but when I get home......I AM LAZY. She calls me lazy all the time to everybody.

So now she tells me that cleaning up the house is to her like sex is for me. I do not know, do people have affairs so that they can clean an house together?

I admit I am bad at helping clean up the house. But I think this is just another excuse for her to get rid of responsibility. It is so she does not have to clean or have sex.

Correct me if I am wrong. Give me some advice how to handle this please. It is the only area in my marriage that I do feel guilt.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are correct. Its just another excuse for her not to have to do anything clean or have sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

You shouldnt have to do the house work all the time it should be shared. If you can draw up a rota that is fair to both of you also fits around both your jobs. If she doesnt stick to her part then show her the rota just so you can both get into a routine and once you both are comfortable with it throw it away. Both of you should agree to the rota and who does what just so its fair


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> You are correct. Its just another excuse for her not to have to do anything clean or have sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea. I agree.

I don't understand people who can live in filth.

Even animals keep their living areas clean.


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

My wife slacks on the cleaning as well, but she doesn't work. It tends to go in cycles. The better she feels about herself, the more likely it is that she'll clean.

I'm like you when it comes to cleaning. I clean as I go, rather than building up and spending a ton of time tearing down. I also work 12hrs+ a day.

One day, try biting the bullet and cleaning at least one room completely spotless. I did that, and she has done a much better job cleaning ever since.

All you can do is try and see where it goes. Maybe you'll clean and have some knockout sex.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Just to give you more perspective about my faults. I am also a messy type person. If I have a lot of stuff it is not organized it is every place. How I deal with it is I prefer not to have many things around. What I do have is researched and the best bang for the buck and is used often.

The only time the house is clean she has done it...sort of. It is cleaned by shoving what I would call junk into every hidden spot, spare room ect. At the same time I think it is junk, I also realize it is crap that she bought with our limited money. So I also feel guilt throwing junk out knowing how many hours I worked to purchase it.

When I try to clean the house the first thing I do is collect garbage that should not be there. Then I collect the things that should be in a proper spot, like dishes that are in the living room. What remains is junk. I have no idea what to do with it. She sees the house and tells me "you did not do anything." But I tried

Really it is almost a fantasy for me to get my own place. A modest home on a few acres. Big 80" screen TV and a bed. Table to eat at. Enough clothes to last a few days, just wash and wear them over again. You get the idea. Minimal stuff but high quality and usage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I could organize your house in one day. 


And 300 dollars.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I could organize your house in one day.
> 
> 
> And 300 dollars.


One of my thoughts was to get somebody in here to clean the place.

But according to my wifes philosophy that would be like hiring a hooker. 

I get some people take pride and accomplishment in cleaning up a house. But for me I get overwhelmed.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you get overwhelmed, do it in pieces.

I don't do everything on one day. I do vacuum every day becasue our Labrador sheds so much! but the bathrooms are cleaned on Mondays and Thursdays now...and laundry--- I do one load a day. We have two hampers to sort it (whites and darks)...makes it easier. 

I clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking...

Maybe if you have a house cleaning day and everyone takes that day to clean, then you can just maintain. I know its' overwhelming when there's SOOO much to do! I have been there...you just don't want to do anything! You don't know where to start! I took one day and just got to it. I've been maintaining for 4 months.


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

:iagree:

Break it down room by room. Its obviously going to take a LOT of time at first, because of the way you described things. You just have to get the house fully done, room by room, and then clean as you go to maintain.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I honestly think your housework should be split in half. If you have kids, make them help! You both work very hard outside the home.

We give chores 8 and up. I do not give allowance either, it's expected everyone pulls their fair share. I'm disabled with a spine injury. I broke my neck 4.5 years ago and am disabled in pain. Any activity increases pain, so the housework takes all day with resting in between. My husband does not like to clean. Usually he will do supper dishes, but with him working extra lately, he leaves them in the sink. By evening I have an ice pack on my neck, so I'm done for the night. They get done first thing in the morning.

I'm unable to work, but I do keep the housework up when I'm felling well enough. I don't like looking at messes and my youngest has OCD where everything needs to be in its place and clean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YES! put your kids to work.

My daughter vacuums, empties dishwasher daily, cleans the toys from living room nightly and keeps her room clean.

She also sorts her own laundry into the two main hampers.

I mean, isn't that why we have kids? HA!


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Make a chore list together. For each day, on a week calendar, write your name and her name down. Then write the chores you are both responsible for that day. 

Make it REALISTIC and stick to it. If you stick to your side of the bargain she will have no more excuses to blame you. Maybe clean the livingroom one day, clean the bathroom the next... Alternate dishes by day... eat dinner earlier so that you can get the dishes done and still have a couple hours to relax before bed.

If you do your half of things she can't possibly complain. Seriously she sounds like a slob - I'd put a trash can next to the sink and tell everyone NOT to put trash in the sink. If it continues I'd put a huge red sign or something like that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

My ex-wife would suddenly get horny everytime I was watching football.

If cleaning is not a priority when you are absent, then it certainly isn't one when you are present.

It's an excuse.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I generally clean my entire house top to bottom everyday. My H helps as well. I get up at 4am for work and usually get to bed around 11pm. Then again, I have OCD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I used to be a neat freak, I needed things to be organized because it helped me detect when something was out of place (as we know, there was a big thing out of place in my home), and also a sense of control over my life (important). I always felt better when I cleaned. But really I can care less if someone else cleans. I always did it for myself. Like a centering activity.

Maybe your wife uses clutter to hide how disorganized she feels. Also if stuff were clean, she wouldn't have anything to do. Kind of like if there is nothing to be bought, then there is no canned interaction at the cash register that gives her a voice and a defined role as a consumer. 

There are many explanations for clutter and filth.

Literary offshoot (again, sigh...can't help it) have you read Homer and Langley? By E L Doctorow. Until I wiki'd just now (Collyer brothers - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - I ALWAYS check references) I hadn't realized that they were true characters. I listened to an audiobook. My H thought I cheated on him while he was deployed, but really I only listened to lots of books at night, went to dance class, and worked at the movies...I took archery and went ice climbing a couple times, and then went back to real work, too (after recovering from his lies). 

This whole book made me think about how sometimes even when people (like me) don't like clutter, they still accumulate it in their mind. Today I realized that my mind is uncluttered as to most of what happened in my relationship (until I come here and need to access it) and that I had other things in my mind that were more creative, and access to lots of information that's not framed by 'him'. 

Probably my time here is coming to an end. 
I think maybe you could take some time to educate on hoarders and clutterers and curators of filth and compulsive shoppers, and find out some reasons why these people do what they do. You need to be very careful about how you go about cutting people off from their habits. I have an ex who is a hoarder...my kids have to be patient with him. For some people this is their emotional memory, proof of how they attached to people...and taking that away can be very dangerous. As an uncluttered person, I've had to learn to be more tempered with my children's items. We have learned to make those piles: recycle, trash, save, give away(special), display only, or give away (thrift shop). On rare occasions we also have 'sell'. If we are lucky we get 'barter'. 

I noticed after my H left, my relationship with vacuuming fell by the wayside. I also noticed when he was here, that when he washed the dishes for me, he took his time...and when he was done, he left the food in the sink in the drain. I think he wanted me to complain about it or notice it, I did notice it but I never said anything about it. Probably he wanted to be able to say, that I didn't appreciate it and he couldn't do anything right, that I was a perfectionist. Truth is, we had mice, and the drain stank because he didn't remove the food. I also like doing dishes. Before he left on deployment, he remarked to me that I would probably stil have all the liquid dish detergent he'd brought home from his work (giant container) because I'd use the dishwasher all the time, even just for me when my kids were away. Not sure where he got that idea! Anyway, lest my head become cluttered, on to homework.

You should listen to Homer and Langley if you can get it on audiotape. 

I forgot to say, too, there is no need for you to take a crappy job. If your wife needs money that badly beyond your savings and unemployment, she can get another part-time job or she can quit the one job and get a full time job. It's not nice to control what jobs another person takes. I would never do that, always gave my H full choice of what he did and when and how much. 

If wife asks why you have to stay home and clean house, say the truth...you need to clean it up and be ready to sell or rent and downsize if it takes a while to find a good job, wherever that might be.


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