# any hope?



## workin on it (May 11, 2009)

Hello all,
I'm new here, and this is gonna be a loooong first post. I have a feeling I already know the input to what I'm about to ask, but really just need some advice from people who have been through it to give me the backbone to follow my instincts.

I found out 3 months ago that my husband had met someone on Second Life (online) whom he had then made extensive phone contact with. I found this out because he changed the phone billl. At the time, he insisted that she needed support. She is "supposedly" 25, unemployed, and dying of Hodgkin Lymphoma because she has no health insurance. He claimed to be trying to help her through it and get her out of her depression so she could get a job and insurance.
Well, in March, I had a bad feeling about things and hacked into his email, in which I found utterly inappropriate emails which confirmed to me that this was obviously more than what he said...no big surprise. I confronted him on it, and made him leave. 
We decided to try and work on things and seek counseling. I later looked at his phone and found a text from her saying "I love you too" which is obviously not said unless he had sent her a text implying the same. He continued to claim he is just trying to tell her "what she needs to hear to get her through the last bit of her life" or some other bull****. He told me he doesn't believe he had an affair, and that he doesn't believe in "emotional affairs" and since they never met or had physical sex (they did have phone sex on a regular basis) that he's not someone who had an affair. He says it was inappropriate, but not an affair. 
He continued contact with her after I discovered this, he discussed details of our first counseling session with her (for which SHE got angry at me for talking about the emails I had read, since those were "just between them") I then gave him an ultimatum to choose, and he claimed to stop talking to her. He changed all his email passwords and password protected his phone, which he also now carries on him at ALL times, because he "doesn't deserve to live like this" (ie, being monitored at all times) I obviously do not think that contact has stopped.

So how long do I work on this? How long do I give him to pull himself out of this addiction to this OW? We have a 2 year old who is crazy about her daddy, and a baby due in July. I am at such a loss...I don't feel strong enough to make it through this and raise two kids on my own. Despite everything, I do still love him and want to work on this marriage, and give it everything I can until I am SURE I tried everything to save it. We've been through A LOT together, and he was truly my best friend before all this came to light. Now I'm just drowning in hurt and pain, distrust and uncertainty. 
So what do you think, will he EVER change? Should I call it quits? If he is unwilling to become transparent to me, is there any hope for rebuilding things?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

workin on it said:


> He told me he doesn't believe he had an affair, and that he doesn't believe in "emotional affairs" and since they never met or had physical sex (they did have phone sex on a regular basis) that he's not someone who had an affair. He says it was inappropriate, but not an affair.


He is dead wrong, there is such a thing as an emotional affair and it can be just as damaging as a physical one. Add the cyber sex on top of that and he has no leg to stand on in this argument. He cheated on you, he lied to you, he dishonored his wedding vows. All of this while you were pregnant with his child. Nice. The obvious suggestion is to seek counseling so he can understand what this really is and to find out what made him draw to her in the first place. Until he “gets” those two things it will be difficult for the two of you to improve the situation. Why do you think he is attracted to her? What issues are in the marriage now other than the EA. Just so you know at some point he must end contact with her. As a spouse who’s marriage survived my wife’s EA I can tell you the marriage can recover but is may take a very long time. Good luck, there is hope.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Possibly hope...but I think that's all it is at this point. It's over. 

He CHEATED on you. EA or PA, no matter. 

Please look to take of yourself and the kids. You are the only one that can do that. 

He's free to do as he wishes, now...but there's still the child support thing.


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