# When to say UNCLE?



## smash (Jun 2, 2009)

Thanks for humoring me here... this may be a bit lengthy but I am going to try to put it in Clif Notes version. 

My hubby & I have been together for a total of 12 years & married for 9. We have two adorable sons that we both adore to the ends of the earth. 

Long story short, I have been pretty much the sole bread winner of the family for the entire 9 years of our marriage. In the beginning, he was working with his father & earning peanuts - which actually turned out to be "gifted" money, which I figured out when his Social Security statement came in one year & had zero's all over it. I asked why & he said his dad gifted him b/c it helped him (hubby) from a tax standpoint. I told him that is actually helped his dad and not him. We had a long discussion about him getting into another line of work & away from the dad so he could blossom as he is a very intelligent man. 

He chose to go into the Financial Planning arena - which we both knew would be tough but rewarding once it got going. Well, I will spare you all the creamy center, but here we are 5 years later & in 2008 he earned only $21K. The first year, we lost money, second year we broke even, and now 3rd, 4th only totalling barely over $50K. I have earned over twice this annually every year in the past nine and once in the 200's. Prior to living where we do now, I was very careful to save, save, save - had over $100K in savings & $80K + in retirement accounts. That money has now all been spent to make up for his lack of earning potential in his new "career". We built a new house at the end of his 1st year in this industry - with rose colored glasses & pipe dreams of how his job would go. So where we were at one time living below our means, we started to live @ our means & quickly began living beyond our means. 

I understand that it takes time to build a book but 5 years... furthermore, I struggle with the fact that in the past 2 or 3 he will not accept the fact that it is not going as per plan and even made an attempt at finding another viable source of income to help sustain our financial woes. This economy has affected my job greatly - and by October, I will be earning about 50% of the six figure salary I have in years past. Way, way below what is needed to sustain. 

Obviously, I am now at a place where I must consider selling the home that I built for our kids to grow throughout school in because we have run out of the nine lives (all of my savings) that has kept my husband from contributing to any reasonable degree. He does not want to "give up" on what he has done thus far so it doesn't look like he is willing to even consider doing something else. There has not been one single contribution to household expenses thus far in 2009 on his end. 

I know money isn't everything - please know that is certainly not where I am coming from - but what I wonder is how can a person let their spouse be wife, lover, mother, housekeeper & sole provider for so very long without having some epiphany about how to help?? He says he will do "whatever it takes" to save the marriage - although I have yet to see it other than him fixing the toilet last weekend & waxing my car! If we lose our house, I fear there is no way I can ever forgive his selfishness to succeed in a business that has not been rewarding vs. taking care of his family. I know I have certainly enabled him largely - which i just didn't realize until it was too late. He is an only child who came from parents that did the same - so the pattern seems to be set in stone. 

Any advice is most appreciated. There are many little holes to fill in here I know, so feel free to ask away.


----------



## hoffmangirl (Jun 1, 2009)

Hi.

I am not sure how much advice I could give you but boy do I relate! No kids here but i too have been the primary bread winner and no offense to the men on the board I cant help but wonder when did the change in men occur to where they no longer have to "man up": when it comes to taking care of their marriage and children???

My post is below yours and I know i am TIRED of killing myself to watch my supposed "partner" sit around and do nothing...

I hope it helps to have "company", all I can say is do what is best for you and your kids! Maybe by forcing the issue you will force him to take off the rose colored glasses!

Good luck!


----------

