# I'm stuck...really need unbiased opinions



## thisguy (Feb 18, 2010)

My ex wife and I split up over a year ago. It was not mutual, I didn't want it. I wanted to work on things and stay together but she left regardless. We have two young children together and we loved each other and I thought that alone was enough to work things out.

A few months after we split before the divorce was even final, we decided to give it another try. We were both seeing other people and we agreed that we had to get them out of the picture for us to give it a reasonable effort. I held up my part and left the girl and didn't speak to her again. She said she had done the same. I caught her in lies and hiding things about him that she had truly not done the same and when I confronted her about it we once again continued with the divorce. I regretted leaving the girl I had left because she really was a great girl but se la vie.

Over the next almost year we had our ups and downs and after awhile of being at each others throats we got back to being civil with each other.

I have been in a relationship with a great girl who I admit we have had a couple of times where I considered leaving but in the end we worked it out and stayed together because she really is a wonderful woman. She also has two children. She has full custody of one and the other shares custody. I have my children every other week. So the times where we have all four kids it can get a little hectic but she even bought a vehicle that had enough seating for us all. We both get frustrated sometimes when we have all four kids because of their ages but we make it.

Over the last few months I have notices signs that my ex has regretted what she did by leaving. I got confirmation of this last week. She admitted that she was working with a guy who had interest in her and a friend that had recently divorced who was hyping it up and made a wrong decision. She says she wants her family back.

This puts me in a terrible dilema. I have always been a family man. It is how I was raised and what I always felt like I was meant to be. The prospect of getting my family back is as tempting as a t-bone in front of a drooling dog. But I am in a long term committed relationship with a wonderful girl. And this is where things get even more problematic...

My ex works with one of the men she was with after the split and I live next door to my current girlfriend. We have been having discussions about moving in together around the end of the year. Then there are the kids that you HAVE to consider. On the one hand I am sure my children would love to see their mom and dad back together. On the other they have become very attached to my new "family" and even often refer to my new gf as mommy and her children as their brothers and sisters. My gfs kids are defininately attached to me. Her daughter started calling me dada and eventually daddy from the beginning. Her son looks up to me and has had a lot of issues with abandonment.

Obviously I will always have a spot in my heart for my ex wife. It will never go away. And the though of us becoming a family again will also never go away. My attraction to her will never go away. But my new woman is everything I could ask for and does the little things I begged my ex to do without me even having to ask. Granted the "honeymoon" phase is over but we are still happy.

Can I even be considering leaving what I have given the circumstances or should I just let things run their course and if things continue to develop with the new gf then just accept it by saying that it was her decision to leave and not my fault that I didn't wait around for her to realize that the party life, single life, and "freedom" she wanted wasn't exactly what she thought it would be and to come back saying it was a mistake?

Will my children resent me and her for this? If I stay with the new girl will they resent her for leaving and resent me for moving on?

I just feel really stuck and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I can't talk to anyone I know about it because a lot of them just plain don't like my ex because of the way she treated me during the divorce. Just about everyone around me has a biased opinion. My current gf knows that my ex wants to get back together but I have told her that she doesn't need to worry which was a knee jerk reaction to the situation.

What the hell do I do?:scratchhead:


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I'll tell you what your children will resent you for, moving in with a woman you aren't sure about. Wasn't a divorce enough for them? Do you want to feel stuck because of her kids and yours? If you don't want to marry her, don't live with her.

As for your ex, let her prove herself over time but don't be jerked around by her current whim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thisguy (Feb 18, 2010)

Don't get me wrong, if the ex hadn't thrown this at me I wouldn't have a single hesitation at all. As a matter of fact I'm not sure that I do. Its just that lingering question of "what if" that is haunting me.

I really do love the woman I'm with and don't have any doubts that I will be happy with her wherever we go or how serious we get.

By the time we will have moved in together we will have been together for a year and a half. As it is we have been together for almost 10 months.

So resenting me for moving in with a woman I am not sure about isn't a concern. If my ex hadn't said what she did to me there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind. And maybe that is the answer to my problem? I have let the woman who broke my heart twice, abandoned our marriage, and split up our family already ruin one relationship I was happy in and now she is trying to do the same with one I am even more involved with and happier in. If I were to leave my woman who loves me and whom I love only to have our second attempt at reconciliation fail not only will we resent each other again but I will have lost out on what could potentially be the relationship I really want.

I dont know....any other thoughts?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, my first thought is/was that your ex doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. 

Personally, I wouldn't go back. But what do I know?

C


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Only go back to ex if you love her, and want her in your life. If she is the only woman you love, and can't stand the thought of not being with her. Make sure she feels the same for you as you do for her. 

Don't get back with her because of the kids. If you didn't have children with the ex would you be considering going back?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

thisguy said:


> If my ex hadn't said what she did to me there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind. And maybe that is the answer to my problem? I have let the woman who broke my heart twice, abandoned our marriage, and split up our family already ruin one relationship I was happy in and now she is trying to do the same with one I am even more involved with and happier in. If I were to leave my woman who loves me and whom I love only to have our second attempt at reconciliation fail not only will we resent each other again but I will have lost out on what could potentially be the relationship I really want.


That is your answer.

But it's not the end of your problem. Moving in with and/or marrying your current girlfriend might be the beginning of your problems.

Why?

Because the ex is going to cause problems between you, and she will use your children to do it. You and the current are going to look up one day to find that out of the clear blue sky you are wondering what is going on with your children. You're going to wonder why all of a sudden they have turned into the most intolerable, disrespectful, and hateful brats you have never wanted to meet. This is a very common, very typical scenario in step families. As long as the ex is not unhappy, she leaves well enough alone. But once she becomes unhappy - with her miserable life and not being able to convince you to be miserable with her - she will make sure EVERYONE is miserable. How do I know? I have frequented step family forums for quite a few years, and I can tell you that the mutual love/respect/concern between your current and your children is going to deteriorate to the point that your current won't be able to stand having your children around. Your ex will make sure of this before either you or the current know what hit you. She wants her family back and she will stoop to the lowest of levels if she doesn't get what she wants. I know you do not expect this of your ex wife, but no one does, yet it happens all too often.

This was just to let you know what to expect in the future as commitment to the current becomes more evident. I think you should stay where you are and stop even thinking about jumping onto the ex's rollercoaster-of-emotions. The helter skelter of her life is her own, and you shouldn't have second thoughts about your current. Frankly, you do her a great disservice if she is so expendable like this that you consider dumping her just because your ex crooked her finger. This being the case, you have no business using any woman in this manner for your own purpose. You committed to her. Therefore, she expects, because you both implied and expressed, you will not up and leave her for frivolous reasons. She has nothing to worry about, REMEMBER? It would be a different case if you and she were not working out.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You may never have the answer. It looks as though you will forever have regrets no matter which direction you go. You needed a good "time out" from relationships. That's honestly what you need now, but I don't know how you are going to get that without hurting people you care for.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

PBear said:


> Honestly, my first thought is/was that your ex doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't go back. But what do I know?
> 
> C


^^^^^ This

Even if you did, how has she changed? She's an "ex" for a reason. You don't know if she has PLUS you have been down this road before.

The best you can hope for is a civil relationship with the ex.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Fool me once, shame on you....fool me twice shame on me.....didn't she fool you once already?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is one of the reasons I tell people to be happy alone for a couple of years after their marriage breaks up--you and the kids need this time alone. I know that doesn't help you now. 

Stay with gf and give it another 6 mo/year before moving in together. Let some of the ex's bitterness about not having you jump to her call wear out. Good luck.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The ex-wife is playing you.

Don't be an instrument.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Fool me once, shame on you....fool me twice shame on me.....didn't she fool you once already?


No, I think she's fooled him twice already. Working on marriage then she bailed. Then came back to work it out again but she lied about leaving the OM.

Not sure you want to go for #3 here but it's up to you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

827Aug said:


> You may never have the answer. It looks as though you will forever have regrets no matter which direction you go. You needed a good "time out" from relationships. That's honestly what you need now,


:iagree:



> but I don't know how you are going to get that without hurting people you care for.


Hurt now or hurt later... Better to take a pause and get it right. Or as right as possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are still in love with your ex-wife.

It sounds ilke you went straight from your divorce to dating someone else seriously. Always a bad move...especially when you are not over the ex.

DO NOT move in with the new lady. At all. Because the fact you're even questioning what you wants means you aren't sold on moving in with her. 

If you were going to give your ex another chance, I wouldn't let her back in so easily. She is the one who unilaterally decided to end your marriage--remember, you didn't want it. If you were to go for it again, set up VERY strict guidelines/boundaries with her (MC, and whatnot). 

If you think you are done w/ that chapter in your life, move on.

But either way I'd caution you NOT to move in w/ the new lady. Your heart still longs for your ex-wife and this will only create more problems in the long run.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Movie Moonstruck 

Loretta, played by Cher: "Snap out of it." :slap: s Ronny played by Nicholas Cage. 

Have you noticed she only wants you when you are happy with someone else. How long are you going to let her crank you around!! :scratchhead:


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