# Husband browsing personals...advice?



## who-am-i

Hello, I just found this site today and thought I would register to ask for advice on my situation. My husband and I have been married for almost nine years. Until lately, we would occasionally bicker about chores, money, caring for our young son, the normal daily things but nothing serious. Sex life was dwindling but still there and he’s never given me a reason not to trust him. My husband is normally a very active man, always working and moving, but he got hurt on his job in March and has been pretty much homebound since waiting for surgery he will get next week. I work during the day and our son goes to daycare so my husband is on his own until we get home in the early evenings. His family and friends also work during the day so there is no one to keep him company.

Okay, with the scene set, here’s the issue. This past Saturday, I had to use my husband's phone and I found on his internet history that he had been visiting the personals and casual encounters sections of Craigslist. Devastated doesn't begin to cover it and I confronted him right away. At first, he said it wasn’t serious, that I was blowing it out of proportion, but when I asked him what would his family think if they knew he was visiting those sites (not that I would tell them, just to put in perspective for him that it was wrong), he backtracked right away and started apologizing. Apparently he hadn't posted or contacted anyone, he was just "curious". He said he was having some doubts about our marriage and he wanted to read the ads and see if he felt anything. Apparently reading the ads reaffirmed his feelings for me (Does this make sense to anyone? Because it doesn’t to me.). He said he’s also been a bit depressed with being homebound which put the doubts in his head about our marriage. 

According to the history on his phone, he was looking at those sites that same morning while both our son and I were home, which hurts most of all. He’s been trying to be husband and father of the year ever since but I’m just so hurt. It’s not like he was looking at a dirty magazine, which I wouldn’t like but would understand. These are ads for real people. Local women in our area who he can contact. He’s home alone all day. What’s to keep him from contacting them and inviting them over? To me it’s a step in the direction of actual cheating since these are ads by real people. He says he’s done and he won’t do it again, especially seeing how much it hurt me, but what if he’s lying and he just starts clearing his internet history so I don’t know? I don’t want to have the type of marriage where I feel like I have to check up on him and go through his phone every day. I won’t live like that. Do I try and let it go considering everything he has going on right now and the surgery next week or recognize this as a sign of worse to come and walk away? Counseling is not an option as he refuses to go, for himself or for marriage counseling. Any advice? Thank you for reading.


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## Jeff/BC

I have no advice for you. The only thing I have to offer is that I visit ALL sorts of sites. I visit sites that specialize in young women seeking sugar daddies. I visit kink sites. I visit dating sites. I visit THIS site. For me, at least, my reason for visiting all those places is that I'm terminally curious about humans in general and human relationships in specific. The specific reasons that I did (and do) such things aren't anything of concern to Carol.

Insofar as reading ads reaffirming my love for Carol, I can absolutely guarantee you that I frequently get up from the keyboard at this site and all others and go hug Carol because I'm so freaking glad that i have her instead of ... well... what I read on the internet.

My situation is not yours so take with a dozen grains of salt.


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## SadSamIAm

I have been married for 24 years. I have never cheated on my wife. I never will cheat on my wife. I have looked at some of these dating sites. I have never registered on any of these sites. I have done it out of curiosity. 

I am a man and I have browsed the men on the sites. Just out of curiosity. 

I have never contacted anyone from any of these sites.

All I can say, is that it is possible that your husband was just bored and curious. That is the absolute truth for me.


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## southern wife

My advice is to run a personal ad, and when he responds to it.....................meet up with him!


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## norajane

> He said he was having some doubts about our marriage and he wanted to read the ads and see if he felt anything. Apparently reading the ads reaffirmed his feelings for me (Does this make sense to anyone? Because it doesn’t to me.). He said he’s also been a bit depressed with being homebound which put the doubts in his head about our marriage.


It is troublesome that he would choose to seek out those sites instead of discussing his doubts about your marriage with you.

Your H needs to acknowledge that he is playing with fire. If he won't admit that to himself, he'll continue dong it as you said, and will just hide it better.

What did you say to him when he said he has doubts about your marriage? Did you ask him what specifically those doubts were and why he didn't raise them with you?


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## Paulination

I've visited sites like that strictly out of curiosity. I never responded to anyone and never would. Would I want my wife to know, ofcourse not because she wouldn't buy the fact that I was just curious so I would have to make up an excuse like "I was questioning our marriage but I know everything is good now".

In light of no other evidense of straying I would say let it go.


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## ShawnD

Jeff/BC said:


> I have no advice for you. The only thing I have to offer is that I visit ALL sorts of sites. I visit sites that specialize in young women seeking sugar daddies. I visit kink sites. I visit dating sites. I visit THIS site. For me, at least, my reason for visiting all those places is that I'm terminally curious about humans in general and human relationships in specific. The specific reasons that I did (and do) such things aren't anything of concern to Carol.


Look at the man hookup section of craigslist. Those will make you die laughing.


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## southern wife

ShawnD said:


> Look at the man hookup section of craigslist. Those will make you die laughing.


:lol: True!!! :rofl:


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## Lon

Unless he has actually replied to any of those ads, or posted his own soliciting attention, it is likely just voyeuristic perusing. Not a totally insignificant thing, he probably has some shame that you caught him, however I would wager he has not gone astray and followed any of those up. For awhile I was hooked on _Hot or Not_, I never contacted anyone or setup a profile, just really like seeing the pics and rating them... I tried to hide this from my (now ex) W, it was innaproppriate, but the website wasn't the problem, just simply invested too much of my creative resources on something so pointless.


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## Prodigal

JMO, but I think your husband has had too much time on his hands due to being laid up, and he just got curious. Me? I don't think I'd ever go near Craigslist after that woman in Boston was killed by some guy she hooked up with from it. Heck, I don't even want to go there in case some nut-job downloads a virus on their ad or personal or whatever-the-heck they are called.

I understand you are upset. But, y'know, men DO look (as do women). Unless you see some unusual calling activity on his cell or find messages on his email, I believe he was just looking out of curiosity.

BTW, do you have access to his cell and email? I understand that you don't want a marriage where you have to keep checking up on hubs. But he has given you some reason(s) to doubt. Better to check everything out now.


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## waiwera

I understand your panic I really do but I bet there wouldn't be many folk who haven't had a look at these kind of sites at some time, as long as he has never placed an ad or contacted anyone and by the sounds of it you found nothing like that?? He must have cabin fever by now.

Maybe this is a good chance to reestablish boundaries..have a real heart to heart (geez sounds like you have him pinned down ). 
Be vunerable...tell him how it all made you feel and why? Then let him talk and listen without interupting.

And then let it go and concentrate on the surgery and his healing.

Just my thoughts...


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## PBear

Well, I'm going to be the dissenter on this. I cheated on my wife. Not proud of that at all, but I can't change it.

For me, hitting the Craigslist sites was one step closer to cheating. The "adult dating sites" was the final step. My advice to you, if you want to fix this, is not to let it be swept under the rug, but dig until you find his doubts and reasons for looking. It's only at that point that you can address the issues and feel as confident as possibly in moving forward together.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toby

I tend to agree with PBear, proceed this with caution. 5 years ago my husband went on dating sites after he was very ill. A little differeant he has a mild brain injury. Then he posted his pic. I worked to forgive him. Then tons of craigs list then escort services. I'm not saying this to panic you, but comunicate with him. Sometimes when men do not work are worried about health they get depressed and sometimes act out. he was maybe just board

Not all people become sex addicts over porn or dating sites, keep your eyes open and talk to him. My case is he went to the extreme. We are now separeted after 23 years, sad ugh? Toby


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## Peachy Cat

I see a RED FLAG.

I'm sure being disabled has been hard on him and perhaps he's feeling a bit less manly because you're working and he's not. Regardless of his reasons, he's playing with fire.

I think you should take this opportunity to discuss boundaries and deal breakers...


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## Perez12

I see here everyone says its okay as long as he hasn't contacted anyone y would it be wrong if he did had replied to a post on Craigslist I am having a similar situation but I've been married 9 months. Only my thing he did send a hi and a pic what should I do I feel heart broken and I believe the trust is broken. I have mixed feelings about my situation.


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## badcompany

I've peeked a couple times, mainly because they are hilarious. So many of the people are so out to lunch regarding what they want vs. what they bring to the table....


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## clipclop2

Why would anyone risk their marriage and make trust an issue if they had no intent? sorry BC, but it seems very careless and foolish. I don't care how funny some of the ads might be.

Looking is a step away from contacting. Since he admitted he was actually looking for the purpose of "finding out" how he felt, your marriage is in a lot of trouble. Tell him no more. Get into MC since he has these doubts. And check up on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany

I agree, that's why only twice. My wife knows all my passwords and everything so if there was any communication she'd know and I wouldn't do that to her even where we are at now.
CL is full of trash IMO, last place I'd look if I was serious.


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## norajane

Perez12 said:


> I see here everyone says its okay as long as he hasn't contacted anyone y would it be wrong if he did had replied to a post on Craigslist I am having a similar situation but I've been married 9 months. Only my thing he did send a hi and a pic what should I do I feel heart broken and I believe the trust is broken. I have mixed feelings about my situation.


You might want to start your own thread so people can answer your questions, since this is an old thread and the situation is different.

What your H did is way out of bounds! He's one step away from cheating on you with a random stranger. What did he say about why he is sending pics of himself to someone on Craigslist? 

At the very least, this should open a big discussion on both the current state of your relationship and specific boundaries you have on what is and isn't acceptable. Marriage counseling might also be a good idea. An agreement to never ever be contacting women on Craigslist or anywhere else, much less sending pictures, is also imperative. I wouldn't stay in the marriage without that.


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## Blondilocks

He wasn't looking out of idle curiosity. He was depressed and had doubts about his marriage (was that before or after he had visions of plundering the neighborhood?).

The fact that he's falling all over himself apologizing and trying to get back into your good graces tells you he feels guilty as all hell.

Might be tempting to tell him you're having doubts about wanting to assist in his convalescence. After-all, that's something a wife does for a loving and loyal husband.


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## ladybird

For me there is no difference between craigslist personal ads and dating sites.. There is only one one thing they are looking for from these sites and it isn't because he was having doubts in his marriage. It was probably because he was curious, looking to see what else is out there, and to possibly hook up with someone. Why would someone look at them to begin with his beyond me.


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## clipclop2

Apologies are hardly proof he feels guilty. He feels caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thepoet

SadSamIAm said:


> I have been married for 24 years. I have never cheated on my wife. I never will cheat on my wife. I have looked at some of these dating sites. I have never registered on any of these sites. I have done it out of curiosity.
> 
> I am a man and I have browsed the men on the sites. Just out of curiosity.
> 
> I have never contacted anyone from any of these sites.
> 
> All I can say, is that it is possible that your husband was just bored and curious. That is the absolute truth for me.


The major difference I think between you, Jeff and her H, is that I'm assuming you two have full disclosure to your partners, they know you are browsing around checking things out. Her H did this behind her back and even admitted he was doubting the relationship, so completely different situations IMO.

Also, I disagree with the people saying "as long as he didn't respond, no harm no foul" He messed up big time, he betrayed your trust, he actively pursued another partner to engage, so he didn't follow through? Big deal, he still broke trust and possibly came very close to cheating.

I'm sorry that I don't have any good advice on how to tackle the problem. In my opinion he has created a new problem, you now having a hard time trusting him (Understandably) So this trust needs to be rebuilt before you can have a stable happy relationship again.


Husband's straying mind
Has put you in a bind
We hope no paradigm
The only cure is time


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## Quant

I still have dating profiles however I haven't updated or checked them in 2 years.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

If your husband has just been “scanning the adds “ and not sending private messages / trying to meet up with people then I think he could just have been "window shopping" and (if he is anything like me) could have no intention of "buying" anything.

I enjoy searching on car sites even when I have no intention of getting a new car. I like looking at houses / land for sale adds even though I have no intention of moving. I will read the travel reviews for countries I will never visit or product reviews for items I will never buy.

Women do similar things, they buy magazines / watch programs filled with celebrity gossip, my gypsy wedding, footballer’s wives and I honestly do not know what else but as long as no one becomes fixated with anything they see it need not cause a problem in a real world relationship. 

I (and maybe your husband) am just curious / interested in the world around me.


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## walkedon22

PBear said:


> Well, I'm going to be the dissenter on this. I cheated on my wife. Not proud of that at all, but I can't change it.
> 
> For me, hitting the Craigslist sites was one step closer to cheating. The "adult dating sites" was the final step. My advice to you, if you want to fix this, is not to let it be swept under the rug, but dig until you find his doubts and reasons for looking. It's only at that point that you can address the issues and feel as confident as possibly in moving forward together.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have to say that finally we have seen a man be completely honest about this. Thank you for your honesty. I couldnt agree with you more.


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## EleGirl

ShawnD said:


> Look at the man hookup section of craigslist. Those will make you die laughing.


I've done that before. Even done with a friend when we were board. They are a scream.... but sad at the same time.


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## walkedon22

Your trust is broken. I have been there for a long time now. Keep trying to give him another chance. What I have learned is that they just get better at lying and sneaking as time goes on.


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## murphy5

unless you found one of his ads being responded to in a secret email account...you cant tell. Reading craiglist ads is a little like watching a jerry springer show...very amusing, and outrageous. He might have just been bored and looking for some vicarious fun.

I think the line gets drawn when the spouse lists a profile and starts getting emails from potential "dates". Then you KNOW he has gone off the deep end.

is his injury preventing him from, uh, more romantic interests with you at home? Maybe he is looking for an alternative in cyber space


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## ClimbingTheWalls

I often read personals. I find them highly entertaining.


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## trey69

Since this thread is from 2012 and the OP hasn't been back since, I hope things worked out for her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trinity65

Inappropriate post deleted.


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## EleGirl

@Trinity65

Your post was deleted. Please check your private messages.


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread. I'm closing it.


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