# Can his unrecognized hearing loss affect MY tone of voice



## mam665 (Oct 20, 2012)

My husband says "you don't realize how you sound to me", meaning I talk to him with a tone he doesn't like. I honestly never want to speak to him or anyone else in a way that is unkind. After sleeping on it I began to wonder if I am using a sharp tone of voice, not to be *****y, but as my way of being heard the first time and not having to repeat myself. If he asks a yes or no question I will answer a clear and sharp "Yes". I could see how that might come across as curt. If I say something to him I have to repeat almost every first thing unless I already have his attention to begin with. When he asks me something he will often say "huh?" before I even get started answering. After years of this I may be overcompensating my talking in a louder, sharper, more concise tone that is coming across in a hurtful way that is not intended at all. Is this common? I just want to know if this is a poor communication style that can develop when one spouse gets tired of repeating themselves. 

Please....this is causing me some serious self doubt and feelings of hopelessness after all these years.

He has so far refused a hearing exam. He is 64, and has had a history of loud rock and roll (a child of the 60s) and hunting without ear protection. I'm 54 and have unusally acute hearing...if I stand under our pendant lamp I can hearing the electricity buzzing. 

Thank you.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

"You don't realize how you sound to me" doesn't really give you any helpful information. No one knows how another person perceives sounds. 

If he would say "You don't realize how you speak to me", it would be more helpful because you could ask him if he thinks you sound angry or impatient or something else. 

If you are speaking to him at a normal conversational level that everyone else has no trouble understanding, then tell him that. And also tell him that it's pretty hard for you to speak at an increased volume without changing your tone somewhat. I think that skill is something that stage actors spend a long time trying to master - projecting the voice without yelling. It could be difficult for a person who speaks softly. 

Maybe if you provide a visual cue as you speak it would help somewhat - a smile if it's a good message or a frown if it's bad. You really have no idea how much hearing loss he has until he gets tested. 

I think the main point for him to understand is that he needs to get checked out. He's in good company though - most of his rock heroes suffer from hearing loss too.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I have developed hearing loss in my right ear and over the past couple years it has deteriorated a lot (tinnitus and gradual loss of high-frequences, now mid-low frequencies too, which really affects the overall pitch). When someone starts talking to me from that side it takes me a moment to turn my head to be able to hear, so I usually miss the very first part of what someone is saying. I have to listen to to the context of what they are saying and process what the initial sound could have been and interpret. I can often piece it together and while I probably look confused for a few moments while I'm processing everything, I can carry the conversation once its started, sometimes I have to ask them to repeat if my brain couldn't catch up to what was being said, and if I'm stuck not being able to figure out the initial sounds I will interrupt with a "Huh?" in order for the speaker to not waste a lot of breath. I'm just glad I can hear will in my left, or I think I'd go crazy (crazier).

It's very likely you are compensating, now my girlfriend has also started becoming more mindful of my hearing loss when she initiates a conversation, and is even getting used to sitting on my left side. Maybe you can try adding volume to your voice without adding harshness somehow? If his hearing is just that bad. he does need to get it checked out - but for most guys this is difficult to accept since it basically means getting fitted for a hearing aid


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## mam665 (Oct 20, 2012)

Thank you both. I think that some hearing loss and me trying to compensate by speaking louder and "to the point" are both contributing to the miscommunication. Also I spent over 20 years in 911 and law enforcement which sometimes meant cutting to the chase and being kind of a "just the facts" type of person.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm in the same boat as Lon. My SO is looking forward to me getting a hearing aid. . In the meantime, she tries to be aware of which is my good ear, as do I. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You are probably speaking louder and with more emphasis so he'll understand. He probably has some frequencies more affected than others - usually the high frequencies are lost first.

I'm not suggesting you do this, but if I were in your position and my spouse refuses to be tested or get a needed hearing aid, I'd probably mess with them by speaking far too low to be heard, and when asked to speak louder, would pretend to yell (silently). I could do this for a week or two if necessary to make a point.


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## mam665 (Oct 20, 2012)

I wish I could do that Married But Happy. I don't think he'd have a sense of humor about it. Unfortunately he's not very open to listening to me share my side of things when they go bad. He gets defensive and things get twisted and its back to being my fault again...which is the same thing he says I do to him. I see now that at the cost of my own self esteem I've just let it happen and now I don't even know how to stick up for myself anymore.

He's not an ogre. He just takes things so personally and get so defensive.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Hearing impaired here. Yes being hard of hearing can affect how you hear people but not necessarily tone of voice, actually I miss tone of voice more often than not if I don't have a facial visual of the person I'm talking to. I need to see the persons face to have a conversation with them.


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## mam665 (Oct 20, 2012)

I'm thinking that maybe i'm changing my tone of voice in such a way that it comes across as snippy.


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