# Bisexual wife leaves the house, now were back together and dosnt feel right.



## Runsalone

Hey all. I found this site trying to find some place to get some outside perspective on my situation. Maybe someone here has some insight that can help.

O k I just typed my entire marriage onto here and its just to much to get into. Ill try to hit the points of contention.


I believe that a marriage is a spirituall beautiful bond between two people, and for me (not for everybody!!!) I want the closeness of loving only one person , one fasinatingly complex, beautifully confusing woman, is enough for one person to love and try to understand in his lifetime. I want you to understand I dont feel judgemental towards others in this belief. Other couple feel closer by being adventuresome, and kinky and whatever:smthumbup: as long as they are true to each other in there own way thats fine by me, none of my business 

my wife is bisexual and was very honest very early in our relationship which made me feel like she was looking out for my best interests. we set our relationship going forward on the foundation that exclusive meant exclusive for us. I didnt want to share her with another and she felt the same way about me. It was great! 7 years of marriage and her being bisexual was not an issue, we both had attractive ladies catch our eye as humans do but you look , you never ever touch. Then you go home and think of all the things you love about your wife and reminding youself that no amount of beauty or lust for one moment with whomever might have have caught your eye could possibly compare with the life you have built with this woman. Im sappy.

Never EVER EVER CHEAT! relationship rule no. 1 for me. I know sometimes things dont work out but whoever your with diserves the dignity of being the sole focus of your energy until you have officially broken things off or hopefully restored them through this philosophy.

Anyway to condense GREATLY while going through a rough patch about 4 months ago my wife decided we should seperate, much against my wishes. That she needed time to evaluate our relationship and I got the " I love you but I dont know if Im IN love with you anymore" thing . The week before this she had been steadily increasingly hanging out with her girlfriends who seemed to provide her with an escape from our life, where she seemed to not want to work much at her work from home job and was content to let me work 60-70+ hours a week for that summer to get the bills paid and take care of our family (we have a 13 yr old little girl, hers from a previous relationship, who I care for greatly shes very much my daughter)

Turnes out a week before she left her and a girl she met through her "friends" met while she was spending the night at their house hangin out and had a very intense flirting sesion where " nothing happend but it could have if she had let it". Professing to realize this as a great misdeed and realizing how betrayed I felt she said shed cut things off with her neew friend and nip temptation in the bud so to speak. a week later I returned home a day early from working out of state to find that her friend and the girl who all the sparks flew for were on there way over. I was told that my wife had a terrible headache,(which she does get bad migraines) and the problem girl was bringing her a loritab and to see how she was. I found out because as I came in she instantly grabbed her phone to text them to not come, that I was home.

I told her not to cancel it on account of me, so she could get her medicine and see her friends, I left until late that evening so it wouldnt be awkward. since....lets call her Kitty......knew I knew she was kindof pursuing my wife and I was none to happy. This led to further discussions and her dicission to move out to take some time to figure things out.

So...she moved in with her parents (shes 32) and lived for free while I paid for everything for three months our credit cards insurance cell phones all of it I wasnt able to do anything or go anywhere to try to relax and take my mind off things cause money was so tight, while she was constantly off having fun with her friends and hanging out with them and kitty.

The second week or so she was gone our daughter wound up in the hospital because she was very anemic and needed a blood transfusion which of course stressed everyone out to the max. I stayed with them over night at the hospital where I was up most of the night jumping at my little girls every peep. That the first time my wife told me she though she might want to come home, I said it maybe cause of the stressfull situation and are u sure thats what you want, we decided to give it a few days to let that sink in and make sure thats were her head was at.


So after telling me thatt she did love me and wanted to work things out the next week She admitted to making out with Kitty, which as far as Im concerned is sortof a serious breech of contract:scratchhead: She said she was very sorry that it hurt me and that she was so confused , and that she had told kitty that they could only be friends cause she wanted to work her marriage out. 

The next week her parents were out of town and she had a little get together with all her freinds. I showed up the next morning cause I knew about it, and her and kitty had NO LESS THAN made out again and slept in the same bed. she told me this Im afraid maybe to diminish what might have actually happened. She swears nothing further happend and I find her hard to disbelieve,I want to believe her, shes even very convincing, Ill go as far as to say that I pretty much believe her but she lied to me so much during this period along these same lines, while telling me she still loved me and letting me pay for her little break from us, that I think I could be fooling myself.

There was so much more, I could go on anyway...........about three miserable quiet weeks went buy of us talking a little and her convincing me that all that haneous crap had been squashed.(by the way a week prior to those three weeks she decided she wanted a divorce broke my heart in half, then changed her mind when she started working out how to go through with it, said she didnt relize how hard it was going to be and that must mean she wasnt ready yet, that she really loved me. that was fun.) so after deciding she didnt really want a divorce and if only we could find some way to work things out, a few weeks later I find out that one of her guy frinds from high school is in town and shes going to hang out with him at his moms house for the weekend. This guy has kindof bothered me throughout our relationship, I really think they have always and ever been just good friends, having gone through alot together, but no guy really LIKES his wifes best buddy to be another man, but I was always cool with it because I trusted her. 


Anyway I told her I wasnt comfortable with her spending the night and couldnt she just see him during the day and she refused, said the gas was too much and it was to far, that shed spend the weekend driving instead of getting to see dudebuddy. I offered to pay for the gas, I explained how this looked to me How it made me even more insecure how she was very vulnerable right now and I thought we were decided to see if we could try to figure something out. She refused to compromise, on spending the night and I kind of gave up.


So this was it for me, I was faced with the fact that I had to commit to a course of action. Either give up on my family of 7 years and try to find some happiness for myself after all this, or throw caution to the wind and tell her to move back in and either fly or go down in a ball of flames.


I moved her back in. 7 years has got to be worth even the chance that something could turn around right?

So shes back. She never made it to dudes house anyway because he got really sick all of a sudden. :lol: SO the night she was supposed to be over there I sent her a text saying I was sorry for being so hard on her about it all that I realized she was just trying to be happy, and try to have a good weekend. I thought she was there when I sent it . so I sent it then got really drunk and sat in the backyard in the rain. (I dont really drink so....weird) Then she shows up. WTF. anyway we had a long talk and both seemed to feel that there might be something worth saving in there somewhere and the only way to do that was for her to just move back in and try.


Now shes here and seems to be behaving and were trying but I cant keep from feeling like a doormat for all this and horribly taken advantage of . And really Im starting to wonder if were just two totally different people who just refuse to let it go, even though that might be better for everyone to go our seperate ways and be ourselves. If we had gotten divorced before all her escapades she wouldnt have been doing anything wrong. It wouldve hurt but I couldve said "hey I love her and hope she finds what shes looking for in life and has a life full of love and happiness" and set to the task of doing similarly for myself. countless times that seemed like the hard but right thing to do, but I was afraid I was giving up and wouldnt be doing it for the right reasons.


Jesus. Ill shut up now! what say ye?


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## MarkTwain

OK, so you've given us a run down of your ideals and thoughts about how a wife _should _be...

But let me ask you. What is the day to day quality of the relationship you have with her right now? Is it good?


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## Runsalone

MarkTwain said:


> OK, so you've given us a run down of your ideals and thoughts about how a wife _should _be...
> 
> But let me ask you. What is the day to day quality of the relationship you have with her right now? Is it good?



Crap. thats not excactly what I was going for.

We seem to be getting along but were kinda cautious, as if to make the wrong comment or talk about things could upset the delicate balance. Im definately having trouble feeling the connection between us. Starting to wonder if we both have to sacrifice too much of who we are to be together. Especially her.

Its kinda like after a bomb went off. Every one standing there blinking, thinking "am I ok? what just happened?" Im kinda getting by the angry hurt part and starting to look at the situation overall, trying to look at the big, longterm, picture.


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## MarkTwain

Runsalone said:


> Im kinda getting by the angry hurt part and starting to look at the situation overall, trying to look at the big, longterm, picture.


Sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing.


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## Runsalone

MarkTwain said:


> Sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing.



The feeling I cant shake through doing this is that we might both be holding on for the wrong reasons. Maybe she needs someone that feels more open about relationships, that wouldnt mind her having a side relationship that hes (or she??:scratchheadnot privy to in any way because it fulfils her bisexual tendancies, and is still totally loyal to her. (she dosnt share, In any case I wouldnt want to bring anyone else into our bed if that were an option. I know what a dork right? what guy dosnt want a threesome.) Someone who is more carreer minded and has the kind of resources to take care of her and the little one with ease, whether she wants to work or not, instead of the simple boring carpenter she married. some one with a social personality who likes her friends and think the trouble they cause is "cute" or something. 

It just seems the more I look at the last 3 months from a perspective other than greif and hurt, the more I see she was just out being herself, and I was just collateral damage. I want her to be happy, I want us both to be happy, mostly I dont want her to suppress herself because she loves me just to have this flare up again in a few years. But I cant be in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else I may not even know. Her bisexuality isnt something she wants us to explore together, the way she described it to me is she would have a "good friend" outside the marriage, but still be in love with me. That just dosnt seem right.

Theres just so much to this situation, and so long in it building and progressing, I could never write it all down here. Maybe this was a mistake, how can I expect anyone too give advice when I can hardly figure out how to explain the problem?:banghead:


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## MarkTwain

Runsalone said:


> Theres just so much to this situation, and so long in it building and progressing, I could never write it all down here. Maybe this was a mistake, how can I expect anyone too give advice when I can hardly figure out how to explain the problem?:banghead:


Well, part of the function of being on here is to use it as a sounding board - a way to collect and sort through your thoughts. 

One thing that comes across for me is that you had an "ideal" in mind of how a marriage should be, and now that dream is shattered. But real life refuses to fit in our man-made boundaries. It's always trying to escape and run it's own course. So if you let go of all expectation, and just focus on what is in front of you, how does it feel then?


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## Junebug

From reading what you wrote, the one thing I don't get is that you are so focused on the fact that she is bi-sexual. Why does it matter if she wants to cheat with a man or a woman? To me it's a relationship outside of your marriage, which you clearly won't stand for and it goes against your beliefs of what a marriage should be, regardless of if it's with a man or woman. If I was in to really crazy kinky stuff, and my husband was very straight and narrow, boring in bed, would it be ok for me to have a relationship outside our marriage to fulfill my kinky side? I think there are more serious issues to look at than just who she wants to be having a relationship with. Some couples are ok with open relationships but obviously you are not. Can you live with it?


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## Runsalone

Junebug said:


> From reading what you wrote, the one thing I don't get is that you are so focused on the fact that she is bi-sexual. Why does it matter if she wants to cheat with a man or a woman? To me it's a relationship outside of your marriage, which you clearly won't stand for and it goes against your beliefs of what a marriage should be, regardless of if it's with a man or woman. If I was in to really crazy kinky stuff, and my husband was very straight and narrow, boring in bed, would it be ok for me to have a relationship outside our marriage to fulfill my kinky side? I think there are more serious issues to look at than just who she wants to be having a relationship with.QUOTE]
> 
> I think I come across as focused on that because thats something she cant get at home, im a man and theres nothing we can do about that. Know what I mean? I hate that theres a part of who she is that cant be fulfilled by our relationship.
> 
> The more serious issues you suspect....I would love to hear your thoughts!


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## Runsalone

MarkTwain said:


> Well, part of the function of being on here is to use it as a sounding board - a way to collect and sort through your thoughts.
> 
> One thing that comes across for me is that you had an "ideal" in mind of how a marriage should be, and now that dream is shattered. But real life refuses to fit in our man-made boundaries. It's always trying to escape and run it's own course. So if you let go of all expectation, and just focus on what is in front of you, how does it feel then?



Like maybe Im not the person she really wants\needs.


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## Runsalone

O something else that might be relevant. As far as I know she has always been satisfied with our sex life over all. Fact of the matter is we both have always been sortof surprised at the sparks that fly, even after being together for some bit. Until the recent unplesantness that is. I would think her decisions would make more sense to me If she had expressed that I was "straight laced, boring in bed..." as junebug put it. But the truth is Im rather adventurous and shes more of the same old routine gal when it comes to that. Frankly...I know the combination to that particular safe but, I try to never get into a routine. 

Hell Im not even sure I know whats relevant anymore. Its really starting to feel like shooting to do right by people in this world dosnt really pan out. Tend to get walked on I guess.


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## Runsalone

Recent development. The last three days the intamitacy has completely vanished, not just sexually but like, she seems to have no desire for any kissing, hugging, or the little gestures couples share day to day. Its been weird. Shes been feeling pretty crappy though, her headaches, and weve had a few serious conversations that werent great fun for anybody.


Ive tried to explain that very suddenly I feel like shes being extreemely distant, and that our closeness just vanished and try to get her to talk to me, but she either dosnt see it or wont open up. Either way this sucks!

Ive really tried to keep all lines of communication open since shes been back but I feel like I keep hitting a wall. She made it very clear through her reactions to me that she dosnt want to deal with our situation, seems she just wants to have moved home and everyone act like nothing is wrong and maybe itll just go away. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to push her away by overloading anything, but I feel like Im the only one trying to figure this stuff out.

Im just so tired.


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## Junebug

I'm new to this board and don't know how to quote properly... yikes, I'll figure it out, sorry! What I am saying about deeper issues is that to me- not in everyones world- if I am not happy with our relationship, the day to day intimacy and connection I feel with my H, if things are happening that make it hard at home, that's a time when I am not really connected to him, and that's a time when I see that the relationship outside of the two of you would develop. If I was happy at home and everthing was good between us, other than our differences in sex, and I wasn't completely satisfied with how things were in the bedroom, it wouldn't make me look outside our relationship for something else. To me it seems like there has to be something else missing in the relationship besides just the extra kink in the bedroom. I'm not saying I can tell how it is for you, I'm just saying from another point of view maybe there are more deep seeded issues and the fact that she can't fulfill her desire to be with another woman is a way to hide some deeper issues. For example, I was really craving that crazy adrenaline high of someone new and unexplored at one point in my marriage... but everything else in my relationship was fine. I didn't make me look for a man to have a fling with, it was one of those desires that was 'yeah, that's something I'm dying to do... but I'm not going to screw up my marriage over it'. As I said, to me it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman she wants to be with, it's still a relationship outside of the marriage that takes away from the two of you. I hope that makes sense to you!! Good luck with it all.


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## Deejo

You don't trust her. She doesn't respect you. You want to communicate and reconcile - and she only moves further away. You _are_ being walked all over. She _is_ involved in an extramarital relationship. 
Decide what you want and need. If she is unwilling to do any work or make any changes for the benefit of the marriage, then it's time to move out and move on.


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## Wyst

Deejo - I disagree with you.

We have here two people who are trying to work things out.

Runsalone - one of the interesting things about this forum is that different people pick up different aspects of what anyone brings here.

What strikes me is that you are your wife are feeling sort of stunned and numb about everything that has transpired. Your patience has been unbelievably good.

Now, I'm going to be up front and say that I too identify as bi. From that point of view I can understand your wife's being attracted to another woman while still loving you. I have never acted on my attraction to the same gender and didn't own it til I was well into my 30s anyway. There have been times where if the opportunity had presented itself I might have been sorely tempted, so I can say but for the grace of God ...in all sincerity.

Mostly, to me, your current concern is how to move forward from where you both are now.

Time, time, time is what it's all about. It's never a case of, so just because she's moved back now it's all OK. She has to process her guilt and confusion, feeling small, perhaps, feeling humbled. You have to process you anger, disappointment, grief...own self-doubt regarding whether you are doing the right thing even now. it might be a very good idea for you to find a counsellor - either individually or as a couple to help you both process what has happened and make sense of it.

Life tests us. Often we get tested at the very points that are our most rigid and prized values. Mine was that I would never ever give up on my faith, and yet, to remain true to myself I have had to work through coming to terms wtih my logic no longer agreeing with my religious convictions. I married with every intention of it being a permanent thing. Divorce was not a word in my vocabulary - yet here I am looking for support as I work out how to ease out of this marriage as slowly and gently as I can. I wear a ring on my ring finger, but not my wedding ring, although we are not even officially separated yet. For me, these are humbling things. I learn from them, I self-observe, I try to remember what I feel and have to work through so I have more understanding for others. Life has shadow as well as light and it gives us depth and perspective.

Take it slow, be patient. Listen to youself and listen to her as you feel your way forward one step a a time. Be gentle with both of you.


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## Deejo

I respect your perspective - but I stand by my position. I understand that we can only ever be presented with one side of the issue on these forums; the side of the poster.
However, only 2 kinds of people post here, those wanting to salvage their broken relationship, and those wanting to get out of their broken relationship.

She pulled the "I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with you" card. That tells me she wants out - but doesn't want to make the decision. So, she will instead behave in a manner that makes _him_ decide.

I hope you and your spouse make it, Runsalone, I really do. In my case, I decided the cost was far too high - and too much damage had been done.

Wyst is certainly correct in pointing out that individuals will make contributions based upon their experience. The circumstances you paint are similar to those with my spouse, surrounding emotional distance and discovery of an extramarital relationship. As for the sexuality issue, I'm not making any inference that it is a factor. If you're cheating, your'e cheating, doesn't much matter who with.

I was willing to support confusion and uncertainty, to a point. Unconditional support without consequences will only mean she ultimately won't respect you anyway, and you won't respect yourself.



Wyst said:


> Deejo - I disagree with you.
> 
> We have here two people who are trying to work things out.
> 
> Runsalone - one of the interesting things about this forum is that different people pick up different aspects of what anyone brings here.
> 
> What strikes me is that you are your wife are feeling sort of stunned and numb about everything that has transpired. Your patience has been unbelievably good.
> 
> Now, I'm going to be up front and say that I too identify as bi. From that point of view I can understand your wife's being attracted to another woman while still loving you. I have never acted on my attraction to the same gender and didn't own it til I was well into my 30s anyway. There have been times where if the opportunity had presented itself I might have been sorely tempted, so I can say but for the grace of God ...in all sincerity.
> 
> Mostly, to me, your current concern is how to move forward from where you both are now.
> 
> Time, time, time is what it's all about. It's never a case of, so just because she's moved back now it's all OK. She has to process her guilt and confusion, feeling small, perhaps, feeling humbled. You have to process you anger, disappointment, grief...own self-doubt regarding whether you are doing the right thing even now. it might be a very good idea for you to find a counsellor - either individually or as a couple to help you both process what has happened and make sense of it.
> 
> Life tests us. Often we get tested at the very points that are our most rigid and prized values. Mine was that I would never ever give up on my faith, and yet, to remain true to myself I have had to work through coming to terms wtih my logic no longer agreeing with my religious convictions. I married with every intention of it being a permanent thing. Divorce was not a word in my vocabulary - yet here I am looking for support as I work out how to ease out of this marriage as slowly and gently as I can. I wear a ring on my ring finger, but not my wedding ring, although we are not even officially separated yet. For me, these are humbling things. I learn from them, I self-observe, I try to remember what I feel and have to work through so I have more understanding for others. Life has shadow as well as light and it gives us depth and perspective.
> 
> Take it slow, be patient. Listen to youself and listen to her as you feel your way forward one step a a time. Be gentle with both of you.


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## Runsalone

Deejo said:


> I respect your perspective - but I stand by my position. I understand that we can only ever be presented with one side of the issue on these forums; the side of the poster.
> However, only 2 kinds of people post here, those wanting to salvage their broken relationship, and those wanting to get out of their broken relationship.
> 
> She pulled the "I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with you" card. That tells me she wants out - but doesn't want to make the decision. So, she will instead behave in a manner that makes _him_ decide.
> 
> I hope you and your spouse make it, Runsalone, I really do. In my case, I decided the cost was far too high - and too much damage had been done.
> 
> Wyst is certainly correct in pointing out that individuals will make contributions based upon their experience. The circumstances you paint are similar to those with my spouse, surrounding emotional distance and discovery of an extramarital relationship. As for the sexuality issue, I'm not making any inference that it is a factor. If you're cheating, your'e cheating, doesn't much matter who with.
> 
> I was willing to support confusion and uncertainty, to a point. Unconditional support without consequences will only mean she ultimately won't respect you anyway, and you won't respect yourself.



Your last comment is one of the things Im afraid of.

To make matters worse right before she moved home she made some really stupid mistakes with her money that Ive had to fix in addition to doubling the cell phone bill by exchanging over 500 texts with her guy friend we talked about (hes not on our network 10 cents a text...thats right over 500!!!) , while my work hours virtually have been cut down to nothing for a couple of weeks due to the economy in the industry. It was hard to take care of the family before when I was working good hours and she was just not doing much, now with her job being slow as well (in addition to not being terribly lucrative) for the first time in my life Im realistically looking at being homeless (In Jan-Feb Brrrr) Which will seperate us again, they will move back in with her parents,(thank God for the little ones sake!!!!!!) where I cannot go as they and I dont get along. When I told her to come home I said Id rather go down in a ball of flames than give up on us without being sure Id done everything I could. Seems that fate was listening when I said that.

Really starting to feel like im losing everything for this relationship, my pride, my values, my sanity, my future, my family..........when will it be enough.:wtf:

O It occurs to me having peeked at the texts on her phone that Kitty still seems to be steathily intrested in my wife, always poking around asking if shes happy, if things are working out, whining about how her current love life isnt working out.....ect. Now to play devils advocate the wifes (lets call her Ginny) answers have been very generic and i wouldnt think kitty would be led on by them, But shes still entertaining the hope of some kind of future relationship by even talking to her I think. In any case it sucks that I still have to deal with that in the back of my mind. I just want Kitty to go away and get on with her life and leave Ginny alone. Frankly shes a little creepy /stalky but what the heck do I know.

Sorry for the long whiney respose but this message board is kind of becoming a vent for me. I probably well should use it while I still have electricity, and a roof over my head.:slap:


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## draconis

These forums make a good vent for many people, feel free to use it as such I have known more people to answer themselves after writing it all out than have hear the perfect thing.

draconis


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## Runsalone

Late night post for the day.......

I feel more lonely with her here than when we were seperated. At least when I was by myself I knew why I felt lonely, I was alone! Now I have to see her everyday, and wish for the closeness we once had, and wish she wanted to make love for hours like we used to. I just feel so......replaceable.

We had kindof a blowout sunday, the first since shes been back, and it wasnt over anything in particular. It seemed more like pent up stuff on both sides coming out. Will be more careful of that, got to make sure I bring my feelings to her calmly and with a constructive mentality.

Mostly I find myself not wanting to talk anymore. I feel like Im spinning my wheels. She always comes across as if her indiscretion, was unavoidable, like she had no choice in the matter. She brings up mistakes that Ive made from the past almost as if "see youve hurt me to..." She makes me feel, intentionally or not, that deep down she might think I deserve what has happened, or something.

All my efforts at trying to talk about our situation end with me feeling she dosnt see my perspective, and dosnt want to deal with the situation, just wants me to magically be better so we can all just get on with it.

Late last week we were having an actual decent conversation about how the physical part of our relationship is just been crippled as of late, and how I missed her romantically and missed her wanting me (in lots of ways but in a sexual context also) She said that she was mentally kind of hemmed in and just hadnt been in the mood cause our relationship isnt going so great (which tells me all my trying to communicate with her is just pushing her away) Of course I totally understood this and tried to make her know that it was totally ok and not to feel pressure, she said and I quote "maybe we should just go ahead and do it and get it over with".

I think she meant in terms of her getting by whatever mentall hurdle it is, but just the same, I just felt so deflated, so utterly defeated by that statement.


I know its a weird thing for a guy to say, but our sex life used to feel like something out of a romance novel, the kind of spiritual connection or something that leaves you feeling like you could just die right there in that persons arms and never have been more content, or have felt more love. Like our souls were magnetically destined to connect. Frequently this went on until the small hours, until we physically couldnt remain awake, and shed fall asleep in my arms........... 

Now Im just something to "get it over with".

I hardley feel like I know this woman anymore, I really miss my wife.


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## Runsalone

Im usually not a man of few words as you can see. But I can sum todays post up pretty well...

Life is crap.

Deep no?


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## MarkTwain

Runsalone said:


> she said and I quote "maybe we should just go ahead and do it and get it over with".


I can't be sure, but it may be that you're holding back until the mood is perfect, and she is saying let's get on with it and see how it feels. Women generally enjoy sex once they are actually having it, even though they often have a resistance to getting it on in the first place.

How long has it been?


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## Runsalone

Not that long really, but it has felt really strange (emotionally) each time The last time we were together I didnt feel anything at all. Im just so emotionally drained that I worry my hearts not in the good fight anymore. After sex I feel negativley about myself and our situation. 

I havnt been posting on here much lately cause something feels like its changing in me and I havnt figured it out yet to know how to talk about it. Im afraid I might not be in love anymore, point being I just dont seem to feel anything right now. Maybe thats not a fair judgement yet.... sigh. I just dont know whats going on. Numb.

I dont really try to talk anymore I just keep my feelings to myself, they seemed to do more harm than good. Im actually the one avoiding talking at this point. Im just so tired. I feel like Ive mentally backed off from it all so I can get a few breaths of peace for a minuite.

Sorry -babeling.


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## Runsalone

A little update.

Well its been a while, and from where I sit (still have a roof AMAZINGLY) my mind is a little clearer than the last time I posted here.


I think Ive come to grips with all that has happened much better, and am starting to conclude that while I love my wife very much, and I believe she does me, we may just be very different people whose relationship cannot work. This probably makes it harder than if we just hated each other, but its starting to show me what Ive been patiently waiting for.

The path towards doing the right thing.

Ive started to feel, not out of anger, desperation, or grief, but out of a calm concern for reality, that it might be better for everyone involved(eventually) if we go our seperate ways. Especially I believe, I ferverently hope, that her relationship with her daughter(my step) will improve and she will be the mother that child deserves. Somehow her being with me takes away from the little one, who is going into her teen years and is desperately going to need a sturdy grounded mother, and a homelife that isnt in constant turmoil because the parents are two polar opposites.

This is a very difficult decision. One I am not considering lightly. Im trying to look past my emotions and see what chances there may be in the future for everyone. What I fear for myself is the almost certainty of being left quite alone, and trying to cope with the emptyness that will be where my little family once was. How does one go from being a family man, a husband, a father, to just being by yourself. This I believe I can bear if its for the greater good.

We are communicating fairly consistantly about it. I talk with the intent of seeing if she is in the same place I am, which I feel she may be, but I think Im in a little denial that I have seen what probably should happen at this point and am really trying to ease her into it as gently as possible. I have not outright said I think it should be over. Im trying to let that happen through effective and open communication, but if this drags out to long ( she has a very hard time getting past the emotional side, no matter how little sense it makes. To be fair I am too I guess) I think I may be the one to have to act in the best intrest of the family, and myself. How to go about that if its the final decision I dont know.

I wish I could say that maybe some light will shine just before its too late and we will magically see a way to make it all work. But thats just that little part of me thats still hanging on talking. In reality its time for us to both step out and take a chance on life agian. To take a chance on ourselves. Time for her to do whatever makes her happy and raise her daughter as she sees fit, whether good or bad I believe my wife needs desperately to make her own mistakes, and make her own way, Myself as well. 

She needs to learn her own lessons , or not, not have me there to be responsible for things when they go awry. Ive had to grow up in the past 9 years enough for two people, Im only 29 but I feel 45. Theres alot of life out there for me to experience yet, but Im a one legged man in an a$$ kickin contest in this relationship. I think she feels the same in her own way.

I still cant believe all this has gone this way. But the one thing I know about life at my young age is this, if you stick around long enough it will change. I hope Im able to roll with the punches, and one day, whatever the end result of all this is be able to look back and smile, and remember the love we shared and the time we had together as a positive part of my life. I hope if our paths fork here that my wife and daughter are happier and more successful than my wildest imaginings. I hope thier bond will become unbreakable by any force. I hope they think of me with a smile and remember that they are loved truley, and that they head off into whatever world awaits them having the best of me in thier hearts, and leaving the worst behind.



I have tried to do the right thing for my family for as long as it has been. I love them both. I pray daily for the clarity to do it now.


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## 1nurse

I'm sorry you're going through this but I have to ask if you knew she was bisexual before you married, why did you not think she eventually might not want to be with a woman again? Sexuality is a big part of a marriage. Unfortunately now you have to come to terms with the reality of the next affair she has as it will happen. You might want to think about leaving and finding a woman that is straight and totally devoted to you and a life together. Good luck to you.


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## Runsalone

1nurse said:


> I have to ask if you knew she was bisexual before you married, why did you not think she eventually might not want to be with a woman again?



Oh it crossed my mind friend. We spoke about it quite a bit as a matter of fact. We supposedly had all issues pertaining to that completely out in the open and were totally honest with each other and all that. 

I was told, and I think she herself believed, that it was not a factor. That all married people experience attractions for other people, regardless of gender, but you stay faithful and commited to the one your with, and that we both believed in that for us.


In the end, the bisexual thing and the recent events surrounding it arent really the big problem for us. I think I see now that these things are just the result of two VERY different people (who care very much for each other mind you) that must suppress themselves for the sake of the other person to be in this relationship.

The recent events seem to me now to be effect, not cause.


We have done lots of talking lately and decided its time to conclude this chapter of our lives and move on. Im glad I didnt blow up and end it in anger when she was out running around on me. This way is much better I think in the end. No ones angry or mad at the other any more. Weve just realized some bigger picture things at this point in the game I think. Im glad this part of my life isnt ending in a horrible angry mess that it was. We have shared alot over the years and made some really great memories together that someday I hope to reflect on without sadness.

For the time being I have to get through the next step,the big transition, which currently seems insurmountable, but must be taken. We still have to talk with the little one and they are not moving out for about 2.5 weeks due to stuff beyond our control. so its a little awkward right now and very plausible that either of us could falter emotionally on this decision and be back at square one. 

My money situations worsens as work has dried up completely again, and theres still a very real chance of being without a place to call home if something doesnt give immediately. They have to stay so instead of payin rent that is a month and a half behind I have to use what little I have left over to keep food on the table. 

When it rains it pours is right.

The girls will be moving back into her parents very nice house. Grandma and Grandpa usually shower kiddo with affection and they are very good to them both. There should be plenty of support there for them both to help get through the coming darkness. I can only hope it is easy for them


As for me I have not the faintest idea what is in store for me. So little in fact I dont even know what to say. I will do what I believe is the right thing, and deal with the repercussions as they come. I will face whatever storm I must if it means my girls will have a chance at being happy. Though I must confess, in the deeper recesses of my thoughts I fear this may be the end of me yet. We shall see I suppose.


Ill probably start a new thread since this subject matter has changed so much. When I started this thread I was so angry and hurt and betrayed. Thats why the bisexual thing was at the forefront of my mind at the time. That was all I could focus on right then ,was the hurt. Really though it really wasnt the main issue. Sometimes I guess things just dont work, and must be accepted after a fair amount of trying to make them.

I really appreciate the concern here, and for the patience with my babling. Its nice to write out all you feelings, seems to help sort them out. I see alot of suffering on this forum and I hope we all see brighter days


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## mrmanymarriages

hi
well this is just my opinion and nothig more. I am not a therapst, nor a good speller. But i have experience.
Your wife wants her cake, when she wants it, and to eat it too.
I would hazzard a guess it's her g/f's / peers who are planting seeds in her mind.
or...she's secretly living vicariously thru them and wants some of her own.
You are being used. You can hang in there and yes she will return at some point, 2 months? 2 yrs?
but she will come back. It will never be the same until she has cleared out the sh*t from her brain. and in my experience sir...it won't ever happen.

We can all agree relationships are built on trust. the foundation.
you can take it from there on your own.
My 4th wife, ya ya ya i know all of the potentials you can think...but i am nothing more than a rescuer, i marry my g/f's . duh 
Anyway my new wife is bi. Shes philippina, and allot younger than i am.
She started out (dating) that we will share girls.----
then I cant have interC only oral from them......
then I can only watch.....
then she doesnt want any girls anymore....
(we didnt have any playmates the whole time so far, only discussions)
so the closer we became the less she wanted to share me.
and she wanted to protect her "turf" = me/US.
I believe this would be normal at least until our relationship was solid in her heart, then she might want to play again....
In your case you have a wife who lied...cheated and continues to do so. Staing over at an X b/f's house?? HELLO!!!! not on your frigging life lady.
So sir you are allowing yourself to be a door mat and nothing less.I know it's hard but you have to draw a line somewhere or you will end up ruining your life too. trust me on that.
So sit her down with a mediator, a minister a whatever...and tell her "these are the rules we agreed to live by, and you have breached them" what do you plan to do , if anythig to repaire your extream damage to our relationship."?

That's it. You need to have your principals in front of you.
You need to hold tight to them, they are your "who I am". and don't compromise them or lose sight of them...they teather you to your foundation/soul.
I am spiritual not religious at all....so someone perhaps very spiritual like a swami, or from the buddest religion, or .....someone spiritual will give u a clear perspective on damage.
you have nothing to lose. 
except your"self" if you continue along this path of self destruction.
Too bad she has a daughter...thats the hard part for you i am sure. otherwise allot easier to walk away.
Your wife wants to play...period. she wants to play play play...and if u allow her to do that..up to u but u short sell yourself.
How about this....i teach my kids this.
Life is all about choices.....you have choices to make...and each choice has a consequence....some good some not so good. It's up to you to choose and to accept the consequence of that choice.
Sounds like ur wife is not thinking theres going to be a consequence...because you are allowing her to use you and your love.
Thats it.
I would give her a time line like 24 hrs and no more...to get her brain back to reality and understand SHE has a long road to rebuil trust in the relationship.
I would also GPS her car. track her for 6 months.
tell her 1 little lie, 1 time she gives u 99% of the truth instead of 100% (lie by ommision) she is out of your life. Done. History and you will never take her back..... (shes not going to believe u unless u show her streingth now)
and prepare your alternate plan in case she mis-treats your heart again...and bud, looks like u have odds I wouldnt take to vegas. Sorry. Protect yourself, your bank accts (they will all of a sudden dissapear) etc. up to you. your life.

after she leaves, let me know when ur ready to go to thailand or philippines for what ailes you....nothing like 30 girls, a few drinks, good food and some golf to .....................give u perspective. If its gone it's gone. leave it and move on. Stay in touch with the daughter with email. You cant fix the world. so dont even try.

best. to u.


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## mrmanymarriages

sorry i didnt see the last post of yours efore posting mine.
it's for the best - it was her call her decision. Don't try to help her she has her parents (financially) - move in with a friend and save your pennies. Take care of #1 first, Your no good to anyone unless you are in good shape.
It will take some time... just keep busy. dont drink and dont have any regrets..you gave 200% when 100 is all thats ever required. No regrets buddy....no regrets.

remember. you were in that relationshp for a reason, perhaps it was the daughter...you helped her get to this point in life and without u being there b4 it would have turned out a lot worse.
one door closes...
another opens. just open ur eyes.


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## mrmanymarriages

on my relationship...I know at some point my wife will want to be with a woman again. Hello! she s bisexual she likes women....I dont have a problem with that. 
We agreed all sex happens in full view of each of us. If she wants to be w a girl she can, but i am there too....otherwise its cheating and she will lose me.
She agrees. she may change her mind...i dont know. but those are the rules for both. I am faithful to her and will remain thus. I would fu*k another woman if I am with her (3some) sure..its only sex, but i wouldnt do it without her there. I am devoted to us. Not to a playmate.
No long term playmates.
100% disclosure. on both sides.

i can do no more. if it works it works if it doesn't ... I am off to thailand to golf.

would it hurt me? you bet. same as you....but I have 5% of my heart stashed away that I can get back anytime. Thats experience talking my friend. I dont give it all away anymore. we all have to eat and have shelter..why would ur heart be different.
B smart.
B an adult....the sandbox is closed.


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