# Enough is enough...



## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

I just read through my thread 'Going through seperation following wife's affair' and it got me a little frustrated!!

I'm sick of banging my head against a brick wall...maybe i've hit the anger stage but for the first time i've started to think that I've had enough of fighting for my marriage.

I've made mistakes yes but I am sick of taking the blame for everything...she had choices and she chose to break up her family..I didn't

Enough is enough now...i'm done talking to her...it's her loss


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> I just read through my thread 'Going through seperation following wife's affair' and it got me a little frustrated!!
> 
> I'm sick of banging my head against a brick wall...maybe i've hit the anger stage but for the first time i've started to think that I've had enough of fighting for my marriage.
> 
> ...


I'm happy to see this - it looks like you have had a tough time. I had a one way for for my marriage for a couple of months. One of the best things I did was start to let go. It was very difficult at first but realized I needed to let go, take control of my life, and move on. I was letting my STBXW drive the bus - it was not working. So I told her I was letting go, then finished busting her EA wide open, prepared to file for D, and then filed. It sounds much easier than it really was, but it helped. STBXW and I are still on speaking terms, but I talk to her with a healthy dose of detachment, caution, and a "I don't care attitude". I don't get the really strong "this may still work" feelings anymore. I really hope I can stay on this course and know it depends on what I do - I'm driving the bus now. 

Also it changed my life to read the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book - not sure if you see yourself as a "nice guy" or not, but check it out. You can read it in two nights. 

Good luck


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I agree, embrace the anger and let it drive you but dont let it consume all you do.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah thanks people...I do see myself as a nice guy and do see the need to man up. I will be pleased when we get the house sorted so we only have the kids that we need to discuss...and i can do that at arms length

I just feel like for the last 3 months i have been living in a hole, the world around me is still continuing and i need to get involved in it again instead of living in a past that I can no longer control


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Cheesy, click on my link below and download a free copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy" to your computer.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> ... the world around me is still continuing and i need to get involved in it again instead of living in a past that I can no longer control


That is the key right there. You need to embrace whats in front of you and let go of the past. Whatever will be will be and as long as you focus on what you can control you will be fine. Trust me, the moment I stopped worrying about how it would affect my STBXW and just focused on what I enjoy things got brighter. You are heading down the right path and you will reap the benefits. This doesnt mean that you are giving up on your past, you are just improving your future


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Applause, applause. Healthy and respectful anger as a place in our lives. Move on forward to continue to do YOU. Have a wonderful day.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

I think thats the thing...everything i have done in the last 3 months she has been at the back of my mind, wondering what she will think of it and wondering what she is doing...as a result i don't think i've opened up and enjoyed anything i've done, even the things i used to enjoy before and during my marriage.

I agree, I'd be lying if I was giving up on my past...I just want to be happy again


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

I know exactly where you are coming from. It amazes me how our ex's or soon to be ex's can just wake up one morning and completely forget about having a family and how to be responsible.

I think that at some point, all of us blamed ourselves for the fallout and why she turned away in the first place. You can't blame yourself for everything. The fact that you were willing to stick it out and fight the fight says more than enough about your character and love for your family.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

I agree DS...It's strange, I fought so hard for everything for all that time and all i am left with is a feeling of stupidity for doing it from my wife, yet everyone else praised me for it and said it showed a lot about me. She says its a case of me just wanting what i now couldn't have...which she would


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Yeah thanks people...I do see myself as a nice guy and do see the need to man up.


No no no. I hate this whole "man up" thing. I used to get that from my STBXW all the time. The idea that a man who cares isn't enough of a man because you're not out strangling Lions with your bare hands, or scuttling up a telegraph pole, or fighting naked with Polar Bears incenses me. 

"Manning up" is taking care of your own business. Being a Man is confronting reality, making hard choices, dealing with the consequences, and realising that taking care of yourself and your own happiness does not make you selfish. 

Like I said, I had it all the time of my STBXW, how I wasn't man enough for this, or that....it was all crap I bought into. Don't believe a word of it. Don't doubt yourself. Christ, the way some women go on I don't know what they expect. Like you have to single handedly conquer South America before tea time, rip your shirt off, and rip a cow in half with your teeth before giving them a freshly picked rose and cooking a nice dinner then ravage them in a haystack like some period romance novel. 

Putting down one's masculinity, which is a very personal thing for any man, is one of the worst ways a woman can emotionally and psychologically abuse you. Take it from someone who knows. It's insidious and bang out of order. It's just a way of pecking at your head mate. 

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for five years, literally no matter how hard I jumped the goalposts would move, no matter how hard I tried to be what she wanted, it was never enough. In the end, you throw so much of yourself into the machine there is literally nothing left of yourself to give anymore. Then the whole "you're not man enough" crap starts. It's abuse, pure and simple. 

Been nearly over two months now, and whilst I go very up and down, I'm starting to realise that life without madam is by no means as bad as maybe I thought. No-one needs that level of crap in their life. Peace, harmony and serenity my good man. That and a few pints with some friends. Give it time and you'll be suprised how comfortable, not to mention safe, you'll feel in your own space, with your own rules, and no-one gets to set the agenda when you're King of your own Castle. 

Chin up matey.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah don't worry Count (been following your story BTW)...when i said man up i didn't mean be hugely masculine and flex my muscles like i'm some neadthol beast. In my case it is a more a case of not just accepting someone elses opinion becuase thats the easiest option and everyone will be happy but me, thats all


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Yeah don't worry Count (been following your story BTW)...when i said man up i didn't mean be hugely masculine and flex my muscles like i'm some neadthol beast. In my case it is a more a case of not just accepting someone elses opinion becuase thats the easiest option and everyone will be happy but me, thats all


Wasn't having a go at you my friend. Just the chip, chip, chip away at a man's self esteem for never feeling quite good enough or "man" enough (as a nasty piece of work would term it) can utterly destroy your confidence over time. Like a dripping tap, you don't notice the effects over time. 

I was just trying, in my own strange little way, to tell you to have faith in yourself to do the right thing for you mate. 

I'd certaintly have a few pints with you, and we could behave like Viking Kings all night, toast the evening, rue the day, and Valhalla and glory be ours, and ex wives be damned!


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## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

The Count said:


> No no no. I hate this whole "man up" thing. I used to get that from my STBXW all the time. The idea that a man who cares isn't enough of a man because you're not out strangling Lions with your bare hands, or scuttling up a telegraph pole, or fighting naked with Polar Bears incenses me.
> 
> "Manning up" is taking care of your own business. Being a Man is confronting reality, making hard choices, dealing with the consequences, and realising that taking care of yourself and your own happiness does not make you selfish.
> 
> ...


This is an awesome point of view! Gonna save in my email


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

I'm going to go and smoke a cigarette now, listen to some bluebirds, and play the harp or something. 

I think I just "Hulked out". 

RAHHHHH! COUNT NOT HAPPY......

Being kind and caring doesn't make a man any less of a man. It takes a very damaging kind of woman to use that as a weapon against you. 

Nothing wrong with being confident and strong as well as caring and loving. That takes a lot of strength and integrity. Just remember that the next time someone puts you down for not being "man enough". 

What's the equivalent of not being "woman enough" out of curiosity? I don't think I've ever heard of any man complain that his wife isn't "woman enough". I've heard Men complain of their wife/girlfriend acting more like a Man than a Woman, but not really been able to articulate it beyond a vague unease at that Woman's behaviour. 

It is all very confusing.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The Count said:


> Like I said, I had it all the time of my STBXW, how I wasn't man enough for this, or that....it was all crap I bought into. Don't believe a word of it. Don't doubt yourself. Christ, the way some women go on I don't know what they expect. Like you have to single handedly conquer South America before tea time, rip your shirt off, and rip a cow in half with your teeth before giving them a freshly picked rose and cooking a nice dinner then ravage them in a haystack like some period romance novel.
> 
> Putting down one's masculinity, which is a very personal thing for any man, is one of the worst ways a woman can emotionally and psychologically abuse you. Take it from someone who knows. It's insidious and bang out of order. It's just a way of pecking at your head mate.


Part of this is what they consider "fitness testing" and I agree it can be taken way out of hand to the point of being considered emotional abuse. Like you, I started feeling pretty early on after the wedding day that no matter how hard I jumped it was never high enough - that kind of pressure chips away at self esteem big time, especially in "nice guys" like me, and so I couldn't even keep the appearance of being a perfect person even closely.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah it's interesting how people going through the exact same set of circumstances can have so different lives leading up to it. It's good that we have somewhere to share experiences

I went to see my STBXW's sister last night to fix her computer for her...found out some very interesting info from her about her families views on her behaviour and about some of the things she has been doing. Makes me think that she has just totally flipped and nothing I could have done in the past year would have made any difference, she has gone and the way she is now i'm much better off without her at the moment, she's a different person


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Again, that is what happened to me. The overbearing rage filled woman who put me down constantly in front of family and friends was in no way the woman I fell in love with. And hadn't been for some time. 

It's a hard reality to face, especially when from time to time (but never for long) the old spouse came back for a visit, and then would snap back like a piece of over stretched elastic straight into this cold dismissive robot. 

It's soul destroying to go through. All you want to do is make her/them happy, and it's the one thing you can't do. I too have realised that no matter what I did or could have done, this was always, always, going to be the outcome. I honestly think my STBXW gets a sick twist out of seeing me suffer. I believe it validates her on some level. Same as with this new man she has now, "look at me, see how desirable I am". 

Or as my best friend says "She's a c**t with nothing to offer anyone and is incapable of sustaining even the most basic of human relationships.". 

Harsh, but quite accurate. He even ventured a theory that the most sexually fufilling part of her new relationship is the part where she gets to tell me all about how he'll be doing her in our old marital bed whilst I have the kids.

She's a total headf**k. In many ways I'm glad to be out of it to be honest. Some days it's hard to look to the future, but I do believe there is a kind loving woman out there for me somewhere. Hopefully I'll find her one day, or her me, but either way, when you're present situation becomes beyond intolerable, then yes my friend, you really do have to say "enough is enough". And mean it.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Crikey mate, she has seriously lost it. My Mrs can't bring herself to be nasty to me at all, only by her actions, not her words. I'm not really sure why. Before all this happened my wife and I barely had crossed words about anything really, depsite some of our problems and circumstances that came our way...She was probably building it up and now is letting it all out...all very odd but as you say enough is enough...what will be will be, I'm not chasing anything anymore just my own contentment so i can stop feeling like crap


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## slowBUTtrainable (Oct 13, 2011)

Oh man - It's like you wrote my story Cheese. Since she left I've just been beaten down with all the reasons I've messed up this marriage. I've never been listened to about how I've not been happy too. 

When will she ever wake up and realize that we both have been hurting? She's not alone. 

Well, I've had enough too. I won't/can't talk to her anymore. Not responding to her texts. 

Maybe she'll come around, maybe not. The last straw for me overtly fighting for this marriage was enduring another bashing session in front of the counselor where she now dragged my parents (who have hearts of gold, and she knows it!) into her maelstrom. It proved to me once and for all that she's just not rational.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

yeah i've been beatne down too mate, probably my own fault for talking to her too much but then what are you meant to do, just accept it and walk off into the sunset. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and i'd react differently now and advise others to do but at the time it's practicallty impossible just to say nothing and walk away.

it was school parents evening tonight, went on my own as a single dad for the first time, it was a really sobering experience and made me feel pretty down afterwards which was not a good recipe for picking the 3 of them up from their mums. i did well though, was polite, smiled, did the injection for my youngest and left.

it looks like she is going to take over the mortagage at the house and buy me out if there is no equity...I'm pleased in some ways but sad in others as it feels very final, which 3 months in is weird...but if she doesn't want me at all...it's for the best


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

I think I am finally getting there, reading No more mr nice guy, it's very interesting

Spoke to my wife this morning about something other than the kids for the first time for a few days. I'm in no doubt now that she has no interest whatsoever in being married to me any more, she just wants to sort the house and make sure the kids don't get screwed up. She says she enjoyed being married otherwise she would have ended it sooner and that i shouldn't have gambled, she shouldn't have had an affair but botht hings happened so time to move on and make sure the kids don't suffer from our mistakes...

Amazing how simple things are from the other side!!


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, had a fairly average weekend, went out with a friend in the same situation for a few drinks but just cant seem to enjoy myself and relax whilst i am out. Had the kids a fair bit but then when I dropped them back at the house yesterday STBXW and the OM were there carrying a new bed into the house. Makes me feel like ****...how do you cope with stuff like that only 3 months or so down the line?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thats really hard to see. Dont rush yourself when you are out, you will find detachment when you are ready. I feel for you on seeing the OM, very callous of your STBXW.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah thanks Sod, not coping too well today really. I knew she was getting a new bed, which in itself is a bit of an insult and I presumed he would be helping with it so i said if she was running late it to text me and let me know but she never did. It's hard not to let these things get to you and make too much of them.

I am generally getting better though...and interestingly annoyed with myself for not doing so sooner because i've not only made myself more of a mountain to climb but at the same time pushed her further away due to being too desperate and needy.

Thanks for the support


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Honestly you had a normal reaction and dont be so hard on yourself. It takes time to get "comfortable" with that and you are doing fine. From my own experience, once I realized I was acting pathetic and stopped worrying about what my STBXW thought or wanted it was truly liberating. I focused on changes for me and I started to have fun with friends when detachment came about. I would guess I am about 3 weeks into that mode and its much better. Ironically I am even getting on better with STBXW when I have to deal with her in regards to the kids but I am honestly much happier now than I was with her.

Hang in there, try to focus on more positive things and focus on making a better you. Everything else will fall into place when you are ready


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah, i've been following your story Sod, it's one of the reasons i'm trying my very best to move on. Without the setback of kissing my stbxw the other week i think i would be further down the road, that was just totally confusing for me! 

I think i talked too much to her so she is almost at the point where she would welcome me going a bit dark and getting on with my life rather than becoming intrigued as to what i am up to. I just need to let her get on with whatever she is doing, I have worries about the effect its going to have on the kids if the Affair continues but I just need to put that out of my mind a day at a time. My friend keeps saying to me to forget about the future and deal with the now, I have no idea whats going to happen for her or me or the kids in the future and worrying about it will only make things worse


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

No need to beat yourself up, it happens. Step back and do whats right for you. This is really easy to say and hard to do - dont worry about the future. Focus on you and your kids and the rest will happen. No one's future has been written and factual, only your past. Get yourself to a better place and design your own future when you are ready. No pressure to live up to, just enjoy life!


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks Sod, it's all good advice 

I've had a pretty good couple of days. Had absolutely no contact with her for over 2 days, not even about the kids so was a nice break. Went to watch a football (soccer) game with my Dad Tuesday and out for a beer and a meal with one of my old neighbours last night, all good. Got an email from her today asking about a birthday present for our daughter (coming up soon)..i just thought for a bit and agreed to go 50-50 on a bike for her even though it will probably stay at the wife's house not mine...felt good about that, it's her birthday not mine and she needs to know that mum and dad still love her no matter what.

I picked up the kids tonight as normal and was polite but for some reason i avoided eye contact with her altogether, even when doing my sons injection. As I was leaving after a stress free handover she just said to me 'you can't even look at me can you'...I just said 'Oh sorry, i was just sorting out the kids' and looked straight at her, it was strange. I asked for my soccer boots from the house and she was interested in why i wanted them but i just didn't say much and she got the hump with that sighed and went back in the house...I'm not sure how she expects me to be with her but it suited me to be how I was and i've not been upset after seeing her which is good news


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi all, had a terrible day yesterday. I'd been doing really well, had the kids all day Saturday and dropped them back at the house Sunday morning at 9am. When I turned up the OM's car was there, the kids said 'Oh look, Stuart is here', ran into the house and proceeded to show him the stuff they had made when they were with me. He was just lying on my old sofa, hungover as we my stbxw. I just lost it and swore at her, told her she was a disgrace and went home and bawled my eyes out for hours.

She spoke to me later asking what the problem was! I just said it was too soon, insensetive and she seemed to think it was fine. She said she'd never got over the lies from my gambling and that she lost her soul mate years ago, that she had to deal with our sons illness practically on her own and that she could finally be herself seeing as I never put her first. She was free to do what she wanted in her free time now, the kids like the OM so there was no problem.

I just don't know what to do really...I've apolgised for my gambling but feel i'm going to have to get over everything all over again and all hope, if there was any is totally gone.

I know I can do it...and I will...I just wish i had more strength to get through it


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> Hi all, had a terrible day yesterday. I'd been doing really well, had the kids all day Saturday and dropped them back at the house Sunday morning at 9am. When I turned up the OM's car was there, the kids said 'Oh look, Stuart is here', ran into the house and proceeded to show him the stuff they had made when they were with me. He was just lying on my old sofa, hungover as we my stbxw. I just lost it and swore at her, told her she was a disgrace and went home and bawled my eyes out for hours.
> 
> She spoke to me later asking what the problem was! I just said it was too soon, insensetive and she seemed to think it was fine. She said she'd never got over the lies from my gambling and that she lost her soul mate years ago, that she had to deal with our sons illness practically on her own and that she could finally be herself seeing as I never put her first. She was free to do what she wanted in her free time now, the kids like the OM so there was no problem.
> 
> ...


Cheesy, I don't know what you need to do either, but I have some suggestions.

1) STOP APOLOGIZING. You had some bad habits. You probably still do. Welcome to the human race. Apologizing to your wife means NOTHING to her. Well, actually, it tells her that you are weak and pathetic. That is not the message you want to send her. You want to send her the message from your previous post- don't make eye contact with her.

You want her cringing inside, thinking, "God, I'm so awful, he can't even look at me." So, if you have to be around her, look at anything but her. And don't look down when you do it- look up, and have a tight lipped smile on your face, if you can manage it.

2) Right now, this other guy is in your STBXW's life. You have to accept that his car is going to be there. You have to assume that the kids are going to walk in on him hung over. Or naked. Or vomiting in the restroom because he and your ex got wasted last night. You can't change that. You can't prevent that. Cussing your wife out over it, once again, sends the wrong message. STOP LOSING CONTROL IN FRONT OF HER. You do yourself a disservice EVERY TIME you lose control with her.

3) I suggest that you put lots of effort into avoiding your STBXW. If she calls you, have her leave a message. After you listen to the message, wait awhile before responding so that you are under better control and have time to say exactly what needs to be said and nothing more. If you have to communicate with her, use email, because it is less emotional. If you can figure out a way to pick up your children and drop them off at a neutral location so that you don't have to go to her place, and she doesn't have to come to yours, do it! Stop putting yourself in positions where your emotions will burst forth and hurt you.

4) You have more than enough strength to get through this- you have no choice in the matter. Instead of reacting to everything your STBXW does, start living your own life and let her see what she's lost. You can do this. And it will hurt less.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks for all that, I have known what i've needed to do for a long time, as everyonee has probably read, I just keep having relapses and exactly the wrong moment!

I agree with everything you've said and i will make it, I have to now.

I still need to see her at least 2 times a week to do our sons injection, there is no way around that as he hates the nurses coming and will only sit still if i hold him and she injects him. Just one of life's crap things that needs to be done.

I'll keep reading your post till it fully sinks in...thanks again


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheesy, I do want to say, your wife also seems to be an awful person. She's just down tight insensitive and callous towards your feelings. Find a different way to do the injections that doesn't require seeing her. You need to cut that cancer out of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Cheesy,

The next time you go to help your son receive his injection, DO NOT engage her in any conversation other than that related to the kids and only use short and concise answers. When it's done, give your son a hug and a kiss and leave without saying a word to her. DO NOT look at her at all and ignore any snarky remark coming out of her mouth. Be civil towards her for the children's' sake. Women hate this kind of treatment but it is one that your stbxw richly deserves.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah, funny really when you read through everything thats happened, turns out she is capabable of being pretty awful. Weird really, if you'd have known her for the last 13 years you would have said it would be impossible, thats what makes it so hard to believe I suppose.

I saw her today when she came to do the injection, i love doing them for my son, he's not well at the moment and he needs as much support as possible so I refuse to let someone else do it, it's about him not me. I spoke to her for a while about him as it's likely he'll need some more treatment. I'm was just myself, normal if a little indifferent and spoke only about the kids. She left and i didn't feel a thing for once, just sadness that i wouldn't see the kids for 2 days.

At the end of the day, it seems pretty clear that she will do what she wants. If i want to be myself in the future I may just be myself now rather than force myself to be horrible to her, to make her feel bad, I just want to make myself feel good

Thanks for the support, it means a lot


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Cheesy, that's the problem with this process, you get the ups but there's also the downs. Your stbxw is awfully insensitive. Your reaction was understandable. Don't beat yourself up over it. Now you know to be prepared for the next time.

Don't keep apologizing. You've done it now move on. Sounds like the stbxw is using that as an excuse to be with the OM. Don't get sucked into the past with her. Try to look forward. Every day is a new day - something fantastic could happen to you anytime. The best part is, you are not stuck in an unhappy relationship so you can enjoy whatever comes your way fully!


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi all...thanks KITH...you were right, I stopped apologising and i've just been myself in the last week or so. I mean I'm still sad most of the time but i'm starting to do more stuff for me and i'm having the kids alot so thats good.

My STBXW continues to act a little wierdly. i hear she is still happy with her new man yet some of the things she has said to me are odd. She asked how my family were and I said fine, she said she missed them but 'obviously talking to them isn't the right thing to do'...she also said things were hideous from her point of view too, she didn't like people ignoring her or talking about her, she didn't want to go anywhere and even had to chose different places to walk the dog so she didn't see anyone she vaguely knew.

she has been much more friendly in her contact with me as I have just been normal...we are going to the hospital tommorow with out son and she suggested we go out for lunch after so we can discuss things liek Christmas and the house. To be fair i'm fine with that...she probably just thinks i've accepted things now and she can be nice to me...haha


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Don't read too much into it cheesy. She is no longer the woman you fell in love with and you asked for her hand in marriage, SHE IS GONE. She is simply the mother of your children. If she's feeling the consequences of her betrayal then so be it. It is not your job to comfort her in any way, shape or form, she is the OM's burden now.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

You r behaving like a Mr.Nice Guy and Nice Guy always finish last.Dont be a doormat please.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

You are right Vicky...it's hard but i'm learning

I've come to the realisation that my marriage is well and truly over, she is not interested at all in reconciliation, re-writing history by saying she was never enough for me when she was

The OM is around the children all the time now, 4 months after D-Day...he even looked 2 of them on his own last Sunday whilst she took my eldest son to soccer

I've been doing the 180 as much as possible with the contact needed for the kids, fallen off a couple of times but i'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it becuase my whole world has been turned upside down so i'm bound to have a few bad days

I've been on a sort of date, just with an old friend, really enjoyed myself, she found out about it but wasn't bothered at all, she's so matter of fact about everything...not sure if it's fog or she just doesn't care at all...all very sad but i'm just keeping on keeping on as best i can


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Well done Cheesy. Don't worry about falling off the 180 rules because it takes conscious effort to implement them but once you do them long enough, they become second nature.

As far as the dating this other women, keep it light and avoid getting into a serious emotional involvement without giving yourself anywhere from 6 months to a year to emotionally get over your stbxw. Rebound relationships - just like affairs - tend to have a short shelf life, and when they end, there is plenty of pain left.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah thanks morituri...date wise, it's just some different company really, arranged to meet her again but to be honest, the thought of getting into any kind of relationship with anyone at the moment makes me feel pretty sick. there is not much physical attraction from me to her, not sure if thats just her or more likely me just not being interested at all in anything like that at the moment, i'm more than happy with it to stay that way for now.

As for the 180, it's interesting, i'll admit at first I started it hoping that it would make her change her mind even though i know thats not what its for. However the more i do it the more i realise it's for my own benefit. For example, the kids came over to stay for a couple of days this morning and they were exhausted as OM and his duaghter had a sleepover with them, vaired tales of who was in who's bed without questioning from me, poor kids must wonder whats going on, thankfully they are young enough not to read too much into it. Personally, a week or two ago it would have made me angry, today it just made me more determined to ignore her and get on with my own life


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

u r doing gr8.best of luck.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Not had a great day..kids came to stay tonight and oldest boy said that he went into mummys room this morning and found OM in there for the first time, was upset and said he wished it was Daddy...I had no idea he was staying there as we agreed that she would tell me if anything like that or him moving in was going to happen. She is so blaze about it, saying well as long as he wasn't upset then thats fine...I just told her she was playing a dangerous game and left it at that...totally does my head in this stuff


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Cheesy said:


> Had the kids a fair bit but then when I dropped them back at the house yesterday STBXW and the OM were there carrying a new bed into the house. Makes me feel like ****...how do you cope with stuff like that only 3 months or so down the line?


This time next year the OM will most likely be out of the picture (about 80%-90% probability). Statistically once an A becomes a full blown relationship they tend to fall apart rather quickly. Them living together will end up being the death blow to their relationship. 


> She said she'd never got over the lies from my gambling and that she lost her soul mate years ago, that she had to deal with our sons illness practically on her own and that she could finally be herself seeing as I never put her first.


 These are just excuses to help her rationalize her bad behavior so she doesn't look like the bad guy. Nothing you did in the past caused the affair, her own narcissism caused it.


I've been in the position before (no kids but W had an exit A and moved in with the OM). It lasted about 3 months before she got out the first time, 4 months the second time (don't ask, I learned things the hard way). Living with him the second time made her end up hating the OM because she got the see the real him instead of the front he put up for her.

Cosmo did a survey a while back on women who got a divorce while they were having an affair. A full 80% regretted their decision 2 years later. In the end, you'll most likely benefit from a D more than her long term.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Yeah I keep telling myself that i'll be better in the end...and don't get me wrong, I'm getting better already, a while ago something like this would have had me in floods of tears and set me back...an hour or so later now and i'm pretty philosophical about it.

I don't know if she'll regret it or not, he doesn't seem like the kind of bloke that would want to take on three kids (one of whom needs pretty much constant care for his illness) but at the end of the day thats up to them...just wish she would be more up-front about what she's doing...i'm not sure why a few months down the line she still has to keep everything a secret for fear of 'upsetting me'...jesus...does she think i've not been upset already! haha


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Cheesy said:


> i'm not sure why a few months down the line she still has to keep everything a secret for fear of 'upsetting me'...jesus...does she think i've not been upset already! haha


This is still confusing to me after being separated for months, why do they still feel the need to lie? If everyone is moving on, why keep up the lies. It's so odd and pointless after a while.

Probably just covering shame and trying to keep up appearances, though. But I feel for the children in all these situations.


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

It sure is confusing adv but there is nothing we can do about it.

Feeling a little down today as it is my daughters 6th birthday, the first time it's been one of my kids birthdays and i've not woekn up with them and seen them open their presents. I spent all day Saturday with her and her mum at her birthday parties and then yesterday collecting her new bike and dropping it off at her mums so she could have it first thing this morning.

Trying to be the best Dad I can be for the kids which means sometimes you have to do things you don't want to or agree with to stop them being upset...it's rubbish


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## Cheesy (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, been a while since i posted and things have not been great. Found out last week that i'll be losing my job in february which with my history of gambling and bankruptcy is a huge problem for me with the rent at my new place to pay and maintenance etc for the the kids when i don't have them. I had a very dark few days when i just had the feeling that everything in my life was just going wrong and found it very difficult to function. 

I had a hospital visit with my STBXW on Monday for my son...it made me realise that i just can't do it anymore, the constant contact with her seeing the kids so much and doing so much for my son with his illness is too much. I can't be just friends with her as much as she wants it and the current situation is not helping me at all.

I've made the decision to have the kids less during the week, moving my work around to do it for the last few months has not helped my job and when i get a new job it will more than likely be much less flexible so i'm not going to be able to have the kids overnight during the week and i'm going to turn into the weekend dad that i dreaded would happen.

I am trying to find the strength from somewhere to get over the guilt of not being there for my kids as much as I want, purely to get my own life back on track, it's difficult but i feel i need to do it


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about your job situation Cheesy. Hopefully next year a better job environment will take place and you'll be able to land a good job.

As far as your situation with your children is concerned, you really have very little choice because of your imminent job loss. You have to concentrate on getting a new job before you loose your present job. That is going to require quite an investment of your time that you are now investing being with your kids. You can still communicate with them via phone on daily basis so they can see that despite you not being able to be physically with them, that they are never far from your mind.


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