# Disabled guy and wife's dogs



## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I could really use some advice and opinions regarding a problem I am having. I am 62 and 
100% disabled due to severe chronic pain. I was in two serious accidents and my neck was broken in 4 places. Additionally my right arm was partially severed and my right hip was shattered. I am in severe chronic pain and will be for the rest of my life. I have periods of time when the pain is so bad that I am bedridden for days or even weeks at a time. I take 30mg of OxyContin every 4 hours just to be able to function. The pain forced me to retire after teaching High School for 30 years. I stay at home and my wife works full time. I collect a full teachers pension and Social Security disability so I am financially secure. My wife is a dog lover and I am not. My wife has 3 dogs which require a lot of care while she is at work. I love my wife and try to help her with her dogs as much as possible. This can be difficult for me when I am having pain flare ups. One of her dogs has a serious heart problem and requiers medication every 3 or 4 hours. My wife recently planned a 9 day trip to visit her daughter on the West Coast and She asked me to care for her dogs. I was hesitant to do this but I reluctantly agreed. About a week before she was scheduled to leave I had a severe pain flare up. I was in horrible pain and unable to get around. I could not do the stairs and was basically immobile. I told my wife that I was in too much pain and that I could not care for her dogs while she was away. She told me that I would have to take care of the dogs because no one else was available to do it. after much arguing she agreed that I was too sick to care for her dogs and that She would cancel her airline tickets and stay home. A few days after she told me she canceled her airline tickets I found out from her daughter that she had lied to me and was still planning to go on the trip and leave me with the dogs regardless of how much pain I was in. I was furious and I told her that I would not care for her dogs under any circumstances because she had lied to me. I was in agony and I felt like my wife just didn't care. My wife told me that she lied to me because she thought I was trying to " Coerce" her and control her. Her daughter called me and berated me for not helping my wife. When I tried to explain the situation to her daughter she told me that I could take care of the dogs if I really wanted to and that I was purposely doing this to disappoint her. I love my wife and would do anything to help her. On this one occasion I was just ..too sick to take care of her dogs and I was labeled as the villain. Her daughter was furious with me. In the end We agreed to a compromise and she shortened her trip to 5 days. I am still taking care of her 3 dogs and I am still in terrible pain. I have to go up and down the stairs every 3 hours to take out and medicate her sick dog and it is brutal. During my wife's last trip to her daughters her dog that is very sick went into heart failure and I revived it. I am so angry about this situation. I try to do as much as possible to support my wife's dog hobby but on this one occasion when I was in too much pain to help her she ignored my concerns! 
I feel so disrespected. Any advice or opinions on this would be appreciated!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Why doesn't she just board the dogs at a kennel. Or at least just the sick one? Or have a (fully bonded) dog walking service take care of it?

Why does it HAVE to be you?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You caved

By "minimizing" the trip to 5 days only, you basically told her "I can't but I can".

If you can't do something, stick to it and don't do it.

If they are not considerate enough to realize and accept what you have to deal with.....just ignore them and don't deal with them on that subject. When it comes up, just have that glazed/stare on your face and keep repeating "no"....."NO"

When your wife decided on dogs, she basically threw ALL of her travels out the window. That was HER decision, NOT YOURS.

Tell her that you would love to see her visit her daughter as often as she can, but the dogs are currently stopping her, not you.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

The sick dog which she adores has congestive heart failure and is dying. He can barely make it to the door. He really should be put down but She can't bear to do it. She also has a 15 year old Westie that is blind. I really love my wife and would do anything for her but this is getting so hard for me to deal with. Thanks for your post!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? How long has she had the dogs? How long ago was your injury?

My first thought was that the next time she decides to leave the dogs with you like that, against your wishes (and you shouldn't have caved in to their whining), you should tell her that she's obviously not suited to have let's, so you'll be giving them up for adoption while she's gone. And then find a place where you can set them up for a few days, timed for her return...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

Thanks for the great advice everyone. I am a giving person and I try to help everyone in the family as much as possible. Since I have been disabled I feel invisible.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

We have been married for 20 years. 100% disabled for 7 years. 
She has had dogs the entire 20 years we have been married. 

Thanks again!


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I really feel like I go out of my way to help my wife. She is a wonderful person and we have a good marriage. But when it comes to her daughter or her dogs I am always 2nd or 3rd in line. I feel like she and her daughter emotionally bullied me. If I try to stand up for myself They say I'm being abusive. Her daughter is in her 30's and they are very close.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I told my wife that if she left me with the dogs that I would check into the hospital for pain treatment. If I did that the dogs would be dead in a couple days and she knows that I wouldn't let that happen. In a way this is emotional blackmail. She knows I am a caring person so she drops the dog responsibility on me and leaves!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you would have followed through with checking in for the pain management, the dogs wouldn't have died. She would have come back. As it is now, all you're doing is teaching her that your claims of too much pain can safely be ignored. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I agree. I'm acting like a wimp to avoid more confrontation and now I'm suffering more pain while my wife is sitting by my daughters pool in the California sunshine.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Abusive because you won't deal with her dogs while she goes out of town? Right. 

Don't ever make idle threats -- you didn't check yourself in the hospital and she knew you wouldn't. You gave in and now are stuck with the dogs. She works so she should hire someone. Since she didn't, you need to stay downstairs and save yourself the stress of walking up and down the stairs to deal with the dogs. And don't ever let her manipulate you this way again.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

DoF said:


> You caved
> 
> By "minimizing" the trip to 5 days only, you basically told her "I can't but I can".
> 
> ...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> I agree. I'm acting like a wimp to avoid more confrontation and now I'm suffering more pain while my wife is sitting by my daughters pool in the California sunshine.


BTW, this is a VERY bad sign. They are taking your kindness for granted and taking advantage of you.

I won't stop being nice/myself, but I will stop being around people that take advantage of me due to that.

Personally, I do my best to stay away from people that do that....

I would have a serious conversation with your wife upon her return.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

The thing that bothers me the most is that she lied about canceling her ticket and then told me that I was " Coercing" her. She was planning to tell me that she was still going the morning of the trip while I was under the impression that she understood my pain issues and cared enough to cancel. I understand that living with someone with a disability is tough but that does not give someone the right to lie. This has really hurt our relationship. I didn't " coerce" her She manipulated me. Again I really appreciate the replies. This has really upset me !


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

" No good deed goes unpunished"


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought is that your wife doesn't respect you. She doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth of her plans. She doesn't respect you enough to care about your pain. She doesn't respect you enough as a man to believe that you'd call her bluff. 

But that's just my thoughts, based on a limited view in your relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

One word: kennel.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

PBear said:


> If you would have followed through with checking in for the pain management, the dogs wouldn't have died. She would have come back. As it is now, all you're doing is teaching her that your claims of too much pain can safely be ignored.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> One word: kennel.


I'm not currently a dog owner, but I suspect most kennels would not be willing to take on an elderly dog in need of life preserving medications every 3 or 4 hours. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I agree with the lack of respect thing. I asked her if she would expect her Father to do this for her and she exploded. I think that when you are disabled some people look at you as weak and needy. This situation has really hurt me. She has been talking about spending Christmas Week at her Daughters house in California and if her sick dog survives until then we will have an instant replay. Her daughter told me that I could have been a " hero" in this situation but that Instead I let everyone down. I feel bad for her sick dog but now I'm beginning to hate dogs.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

The local Kennels will not take a very sick dog. We would need someone to come to the house every 3 or 4 hours including overnight. Very expensive. I'm free!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And do you know why you'll have a replay at Christmas? Because you didn't enforce your boundaries this time (or in the past, I suspect). 

So what are you going to do about it? Have you two ever talked about counseling?

And why are you taking grief from her daughter about this? This is between you and your wife. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

Thanks but our kennel won't take a dog that needs meds every 3 or 4 hours.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

My wife and her daughter are more like sisters than Mother and daughter. I know that I've made some terrible mistakes in handling this. I'm a people pleaser for sure! A very bad habit!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> My wife and her daughter are more like sisters than Mother and daughter. I know that I've made some terrible mistakes in handling this. I'm a people pleaser for sure! A very bad habit!


It doesn't matter if it's sister/ sister or mother/daughter. The net effect is the same. It should be between you and your wife, and you don't have to take grief from her daughter. 

I'd recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". 

How old is your wife? Is she in good health? What happens when the two of you want to go on holidays together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

My wife has set up a kennel in the breakfast room downstairs. It smells very doggy and if The dogs know I'm downstairs they will bark at me all night. It's a no win for me.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

My wife is 61 and in good health. She is very smart and attractive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> I really feel like I go out of my way to help my wife. She is a wonderful person and we have a good marriage. But when it comes to her daughter or her dogs I am always 2nd or 3rd in line. I feel like she and her daughter emotionally bullied me. If I try to stand up for myself They say I'm being abusive. Her daughter is in her 30's and they are very close.


So in one post, you say that she's a wonderful person and you have a good relationship. In other posts, you talk about how disrespected and invisible you feel. Care to explain?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I guess that sounds contradictory but I do believe that she is a really good person Its just that when it comes to her daughter I know that I'm going to get thrown under the bus. It's kind of the price I pay I guess. I can accept it in most cases. She really stood by me after I was hurt!


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I don't think she ever lied to me before. At least not that I know of.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Enjoy your life the way it is, then. Because she's not going to change until she has reason to change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

"I'm sorry hunny.....your sick doggie died while you were away." And hand her a box of the cremated remains.

Come Christmas time, do it again with the next one. She will stop leaving you with the dogs.

(Ok, I know you can't really do that.....but the thought is a good one!)

I agree that a looooooooong talk about her priorities is in order....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When your wife is at work, you take care of the dogs. So you have to go up/down the stairs then. Then only different when she's gone on the trip is that you have to do this in the evenings & night too.

You put a bed on the first floor and stay down there while she's away. IF she's already away you could have someone come help you setup downstairs.

There are things you could have done so that you could take care of the dogs. Your wife not only works full time, but she's also your care giver. People who are care givers need breaks. It's reasonable for her to take a trip to get a break.

You could have also hired someone, even a high school kid, to come in and help you out some while she's gone.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd guess that your wife feels a little overwhelmed. As elegirl pointed out she still works full time and is also your caretaker if you're in so much pain you can't give the dog medicine. I know you contribute financially but there's a personal cost to caretaking as well.

Your situation certainly isn't your fault, and lying to you was not cool. Also, your wife really isn't in a good position to have dogs, but I bet in her mind she reasons that she takes care of you full time so the least you can do is look after the dogs.

But I am curious as to why you can't just hire someone, lots of people will come over and take care of the dogs for a few bucks. Simply tell your wife to have a good time, but since you can't take care of them you'll hire someone to do it. If she squawks that you're free don't argue, just tell her you can't do it. Period. Once she leaves she has no say anyway. Just hire someone and stop with the power plays.
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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

Hey Lindy...I hate to be harsh, but you've been given a lot of workable answers and you return to your "oh woe is me" position of can't do anything about anything. 

Just remember--and to paraphrase a famous saying: Crazy is continuing to whine about what you've always whined about and expecting a different result. 

Kinda looks like whining floats your boat.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> Hey Lindy...I hate to be harsh, but you've been given a lot of workable answers and you return to your "oh woe is me" position of can't do anything about anything.
> 
> Just remember--and to paraphrase a famous saying: Crazy is continuing to whine about what you've always whined about and expecting a different result.
> 
> Kinda looks like whining floats your boat.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I don't mean to be a whiner at all. I appreciate all of your responses. I know that I have to be assertive. Just digesting. Not to make excuses but I grew up with alcoholic parents and being assertive is not my strongest attribute. People pleasing is a survival skill you learn in an alcoholic family and you pay the price for it as an adult! 

Thanks again.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I think our problems are deeper than just the dog sitting issue. Respect, dominance, power etc. after 20 years making a 180 degree turn in a relationship is very difficult. I think I have allowed my wife and her daughter to dominate me to the point where I just roll over to avoid conflict. I think it's time for some professional help. I need to learn to say no sometimes. 


Thanks all.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> The sick dog which she adores has congestive heart failure and is dying. He can barely make it to the door. He really should be put down but She can't bear to do it. She also has a 15 year old Westie that is blind. I really love my wife and would do anything for her but this is getting so hard for me to deal with. Thanks for your post!


I am a pet lover. What I see is cruel and inhumane treatment of animal. The best care for these animals IS to be put down.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

I know that. It's hard to do for her.


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## OrionsBelt (Aug 10, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> I don't mean to be a whiner at all. I appreciate all of your responses. I know that I have to be assertive. Just digesting. Not to make excuses but I grew up with alcoholic parents and being assertive is not my strongest attribute. People pleasing is a survival skill you learn in an alcoholic family and you pay the price for it as an adult!
> 
> Thanks again.


I feel for you and can personally understand what you wrote about it being difficult to have alcoholic parents and being assertive when you were probably put down for much of your upbringing. I don't have an answer for your problems, just know though that you are far from alone.


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

Thanks for all the insight and advice! Much appreciated.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why does your wife not believe you are in pain?

What makes her come to this conclusion?


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

She knows I am in pain. We have spent years dealing with it. I thinks she believes that I can turn it off when she wants me to do something. I am bedridden at least 1/2 of the time. 

Thanks


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## [email protected] (Aug 24, 2014)

From " Understanding someone who suffers with Chronic Pain" - The American Chronic Pain Association.

To My Family and Friends; 

If you don't suffer from chronic pain it can be a very difficult condition to understand. 

Please understand that chronic pain is not predictable and It's quite possible that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the next room. 

Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it yesterday" or "Oh, come on, I know you can do this!" If you want me to do something, then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens, please do not take it personally and always remember how lucky you are, to be physically able to do all of the things that you can do.

If I tell you I cant do something don't be offended. Its not personal. I have a disease that limits what I can do and when I can do it. 

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down, lie down, stay in bed, or take these pills now, that probably means that I do have to do it right now, it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm somewhere, or I'm right in the middle of doing something or you want me to do something. Chronic pain does not forgive, it does not follow anyones agenda nor does it wait for anyone


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Disabled guy and wife's dogs*



PBear said:


> I'm not currently a dog owner, but I suspect most kennels would not be willing to take on an elderly dog in need of life preserving medications every 3 or 4 hours.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A vet that provides boarding will accommodate.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

jdd said:


> A vet that provides boarding will accommodate.


I can't argue with that. But I did say "most kennels"...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

[email protected] said:


> I know that. It's hard to do for her.


It's part of being a responsible pet owner. None of us ever want to give our pets up. We do it because it's best for the pet.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Openminded said:


> It's part of being a responsible pet owner. None of us ever want to give our pets up. We do it because it's best for the pet.


A dog that is old and needs meds 3-4 times per week to survive should be put down.

The attachment to this dog is more than likely making it suffer through life. We tend to forget that dogs are animals, and their standards of life are much different to ours. A dog that can't run and move around freely and be a "dog" is not really living a dogs life.

OP - I think your wife needs another heart to heart on putting down, maybe by the vet? If my dog was ever this sick I wouldnt want to know she's going through that life everyday.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Your wife isn't a wonderful person, she's allowing this poor animal to suffer because SHE can't bear to do it, utterly selfish if you ask me


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