# How much is too much??



## married_but_lonely (Jun 27, 2011)

Really? How much is too much until you say "no more!!" I've been married for 17 years. Of the 17 years I can't recall when my happy years were... Its so sad to consider my current situation and continue to remember the bad times more than the good times. I know that things haven't been the best and God knows I've tried to make our marriage work, but it goes both ways, doesn't it? How can a committment like this work if the other doesn't put more effort into it? I've forgiven, I've moved forward, I am willing to do many things for this to work but until when? I was willing to continue forward, forgive and forget completely but he doesn't demonstrate with his actions, he doesn't give me reason to trust, because, really I don't trust! Too many secrets, outings, coming home late, passwords for his cell, I'm tired of it!! 

Back in 2008 I gave birth to our 2nd child, 13 years after our 1st child... what hurted me was when I found out last year that while I was pregnant he was having an affair that lasted more than 2 years!! I'm not a saint, I messed up 9 years ago but it wasn't an affair, more like a fling, which happened when our marriage hit low..... I regretted it, I decided to leave but he didn't me to, but I did, for 6 months and he said, we start fresh, new... but I've lived with the regret for many years, until last year when I found out... Back than I decided to forgive and forget.... after 2 weeks of separation... now I think I might have made a mistake... I don't know if I can continue... I don't trust him.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I imagine he went through many of the same feelings when you had your affair.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did your 'fling' happen after you separated, or before?


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

Have you guys ever talked about seriously working on your relationship?


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## married_but_lonely (Jun 27, 2011)

I understand completely that he went through a lot of emotions when he found out about my affair. Seriously, when it happened it was because HE wasn't there, he'd be out until late, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't pay attention to me, I guess pretty much we were married, just because. I didn't want to come back. I had decided, I messed up and I shouldn't be forgiven, I'd live with my mistake. When I returned home it was because he wanted me home, he wanted things to work out. Reality is that I lived with so much regret that I did everything in my will to gain his trust. But then things changed. He went on again with coming home late, hiding his cell, not talking, not paying attention to me...we'd make love once a month or a 2 months go by. 

When I became pregnant, it was worse... but I'm not one to go out and face the other person or look for scandels. I had suspitions but not enough evidence... until last year! Like I said, while pregnant, he was having the affair. When I finally found out, I kind of felt relieved knowing that I wasn't crazy. But I made it clear how I'd been living with the regret trying to make things better, looking at the options, counseling, terapies, outings... anything. Even after 2 weeks separation, I decided ok, lets really try to work this out. He "supposely" stopped, quit all communication with her. 

BUT, this week, when I was checking our cell phone bill, who's number did I see? Her's! His calling, she calling.... I asked him... Do you still talk to her? And he said Yes! That they're not doing anything, just talking. That they stayed "friends!". What the hell??!! 

I stayed calm and asked why did he countinued with me... asked that if could relate how I felt... asked if I'd done the same thing would he feel good about it... I told him, I'm not made of wood, paper or rock! I have feelings... 

This is it, people... I do love him but I can't trust him. I CAN'T accept that he still talks to HER... We have two beautiful girls but I'm seriously hurting!!

What would you do?


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## married_but_lonely (Jun 27, 2011)

Duddy said:


> Have you guys ever talked about seriously working on your relationship?


Yes... many times...


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## married_but_lonely (Jun 27, 2011)

BigToe said:


> I imagine he went through many of the same feelings when you had your affair.


Yes he did..


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

married_but_lonely said:


> What would you do?


I'd make him choose, her or you. NC is NC.
And I'd list all the things you will be doing to make the marriage better moving forward. And do them. 

You're both guilty and need a fresh start. But that includes only the 2 of you, not 3... if he cant do that, he's not in it and you have a choice to make. Live with it or work toward D, plain & simple.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I'd make him choose, her or you. NC is NC.
> And I'd list all the things you will be doing to make the marriage better moving forward. And do them.
> 
> You're both guilty and need a fresh start. But that includes only the 2 of you, not 3... if he cant do that, he's not in it and you have a choice to make. Live with it or work toward D, plain & simple.


:iagree:

If you both really want to work on it, right now, there is ways to do it, starting with MC, following this forum, and letting the past be the past, take what you want forward leave the rest. Learn what will work and do what each of you can. If only one of you really doesn't want to stay in the marriage then accept its over and put it out of its misery. Whichever it is you'll come out a happier person soon enough.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

You've both cheated. There are people who need to stay 100% faithful in a relationship and those who don't. You don't. However, you are talking like you expect a 100% faithful marriage. It doesn't mesh with the reality of things. If you love each other, don't worry about a little on the side.


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## married_but_lonely (Jun 27, 2011)

Thank you all for your advice... Right now I focus on my daughters, and even so I don't want them to suffer either with my suffering, of which I try to hide. My eldest is the one who's suffered the most, she is currently seeing a terapist. :-( I don't want my baby to go through the suffering as well. They are my life!! As for hubby, needless to say, he's not home, it's 10:42 pm... out.... :-( In the end, I see us divorced. And believe me, I will leave the island. I will return to the mainland and do my life over. I just don't want to keep crying... I used to be so strong but now feel so emotionally strained!! I DON'T want to keep suffering... I don't!


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## married_but_lonely (Jun 27, 2011)

couple said:


> You've both cheated. There are people who need to stay 100% faithful in a relationship and those who don't. You don't. However, you are talking like you expect a 100% faithful marriage. It doesn't mesh with the reality of things. If you love each other, don't worry about a little on the side.


Hmmm seriously do not care for "a little on the side". I'm more worried about what that little on the side could bring to our lives... example... HIV?? VD??? No thanks!!!!


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## married_but_lonely (Jun 27, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I'd make him choose, her or you. NC is NC.
> And I'd list all the things you will be doing to make the marriage better moving forward. And do them.
> 
> You're both guilty and need a fresh start. But that includes only the 2 of you, not 3... if he cant do that, he's not in it and you have a choice to make. Live with it or work toward D, plain & simple.


I like what you say!!! And I totally agree with the fresh start!!! And I'm going to list the things I've done and am willing to continue doing! And really, he HAS to choose... because, me... I can't continue living this way!!! :iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check with a lawyer or legal aid and see what your options are, what he'd have to pay in child support, that kind of thing. Once you have the knowledge, THEN go back to him and say these are your options, and spell it out for him.


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