# Why would a man prefer to masturbate over having sex?



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I don't understand. He finds sex a "chore," even though when we (rarely) have it, it's great for both of us. 

What could make a man replace sex life with solo sex? What did I do to make him stop wanting me?

What can I do to fix it? 

dying inside


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

There is a certain amount of pressure involved as a man to perform sexually and pleasure a woman. When your guy masturbates, that pressure is not there and he can just give himself some release, stress free, and get on with his day. Did he say precisely why he feels like sex is a chore?


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

So Married said:


> I don't understand. He finds sex a "chore," even though when we (rarely) have it, it's great for both of us.
> 
> What could make a man replace sex life with solo sex? What did I do to make him stop wanting me?
> 
> ...


Sex is rarely ever a “chore” for a man. My only guess is he feels it’s real, real hard to get you off? A man also wants a woman to get off (not every time, but most). Makes him feel like it’s a mutual benefit. It assures him you are still attracted to him. I might by totally off, but if you rarely orgasm, he might have lost interest in doing “the work” and is now taking the solo route. You’d need to speak to him and get to the route of his/your issue(s) without being judgmental. Does he know it’s “great” for you?


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> When your guy masturbates, that pressure is not there and he can just give himself some release, stress free, and get on with his day.


Sure, but I figured as a supplement, not a replacement for our sex life.



RebuildingMe said:


> My only guess is he feels it’s real, real hard to get you off?


Not at all. Never been a problem.



RebuildingMe said:


> You’d need to speak to him and get to the route of his/your issue(s) without being judgmental.


It seems like trying to talk about it, even gently, just made things worse.



RebuildingMe said:


> Does he know it’s “great” for you?


Oh, yes. I'm enthusiastic. 

He says it is for him as well, and it sure seems to be. He seems so into it and so pleased when we do actually do it. I don't know why he doesn't want more of it.

And, no I don't smell, look ugly, act like a starfish, etc. I just can't figure it out. 

I feel like I've done something to make him withhold, but I don't know what it could be.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Will he talk about it or get into the details of why he considers it a chore? It seems to me from your post that there might be something outside your sex life as a cause? As my wife and I get older, we have sex more often and I find that I masturbate less. Sounds like something is definitely going on in his head, but I'm not sure it's about sex. 
My 2 cents


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Sounds like something is definitely going on in his head, but I'm not sure it's about sex.


Right. I don't know what it could be though. If I try to bring it up, it makes things worse. How can someone help with a problem if they don't know what it is? 

Any ideas what it could be?

Could simply bringing up the fact that I want more sex be making him withhold more? I just want us to feel connected again, and for him to want me like he used to. We were always all over each other, even after 25 years.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> Right. I don't know what it could be though. If I try to bring it up, it makes things worse. How can someone help with a problem if they don't know what it is?
> 
> Any ideas what it could be?
> 
> Could simply bringing up the fact that I want more sex be making him withhold more? I just want us to feel connected again, and for him to want me like he used to. We were always all over each other, even after 25 years.


I could only guess but I doubt that you wanting it more is the cause. 

I much prefer sex with my wife to masturbating. To me masturbation is release if she isn’t around or getting rid of a morning hard-on. Is it something he has told you he prefers to sex with you? If he won’t talk about it that makes it a bit difficult for you to address. It’s also unfair. Healthy, regular sex is a mainstay in a long-term relationship and something a spouse has a right to expect. 

Has he had any issues with ED? I did some time back and believe me you can get nervous or apprehensive about sex and performance. Is he into porn at all? That can derail your sex life. Depression maybe or stress can derail you. Financial problems, issues with self-esteem could knock a man off track as well, though it seems to me that’s something you’d probably be aware of. If his behavior is directed at you, you have a right to know, I’d start there.

If he gets uptight when you bring it up that is a roadblock or deflection. I’d think it would be fair for you to say that you need to get back to regular sex, that you miss it and him, that you want to understand what the problem is and that stonewalling isn’t any longer acceptable.

I hope this helps in some way…


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So Married said:


> I don't understand. He finds sex a "chore," even though when we (rarely) have it, it's great for both of us.
> 
> What could make a man replace sex life with solo sex? What did I do to make him stop wanting me?
> 
> ...


Maybe he is insecure, maybe he is lazy. 

You will need to talk to him about it.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Have you denied him before or told him "No" to sex before?


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

So Married said:


> Sure, *but I figured as a supplement, not a replacement for our sex life*.
> 
> Not at all. Never been a problem.
> 
> ...


I think you have gotten some very good advice so far. It may not be what you have done, but what hasn't been done.

I think that one of the most common problems couples have is that sex becomes a "big deal." As a sex therapist explained to my wife and me, sex should ideally be playful and exploratory, where if things don't go quite right (like a leg cramp at the wrong time, the phone ringing, etc.) you laugh about it and it is no big deal. 

Your H probably knows how important sex is to you and that puts tremendous pressure on him to perform which makes it harder for him to enjoy. After sex what kind of "after care." do you do with him? Cuddling and telling him how much you enjoy feeling close to him and how proud you are of all that he does (focus on the things outside of bed) can help increase the Oxytocine induced bonding that can take place after sex. If you do a really good job at that, he may want to have sex with you mostly for the after care, at least in the beginning. Have you told him how much you have loved the two of you playing with each others bodies since you first met? Have you reminded him of things you did in the past either before you were married or when you were first married.

Now as to talking about sex. For some people that can be really hard. Sex can be a taboo topic. It can also have lots of shame and embarrassment associated with it. Can you talk to him about sex in general without being judgemental? Ideally, can you ask your H to tell you his deepest darkest fantasies and listen with a calm mind, not judge him, be open minded and maybe try to figure out things you might explore within your boundaries that might give him what he wants or at least an illusion of what he wants? 

Have you ever thought about telling him that you understand that he masturbates and that you would like to share in that part of his sexuality. That you would like to either watch him masturbate or masturbate yourself, while watching him. If that seems too extreme, do a Yes/No/Maybe list with him of sexual things couples can do. Mutual masturbation will is on them all. Can you make his masturbation less taboo, less shameful to him and more of a couple's thing, if you want to. Again, after care and post orgasmic bonding are very important to building a relationship. 

For me sex with my wife is much more than release, it is an emotional bonding experience that makes me feel close to her. Do I masturbate? I sure do. My sex drive is much higher than that of my wife's and she can't handle more sex than we have. Does she love me? Yes, absolutely. When I masturbate I am having sex with someone who really desires my sexual happiness and who will not pressure me. Sometimes it is for stress release, sometimes it is because I am really horny, and sometimes it is because it just feels good. Is it as good as sex with my wife? Not at all, I especially, enjoy cuddling with her after sexual intercourse and sharing out plans for the day, for the month and the future.

Sometimes, having a marriage counselor or a sex therapist lead difficult discussions and assign homework can help break down communication barriers and long term habbits.

Good luck.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He's having an affair or he doesn't fancy you any more. He drinks too much and can't get it up. He is lazy and he likes playing with his video games. He watches too much porn. He is secretly gay. He is depressed and on meds which kill his libido.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You can't fix it. He likes things fine just the way they are. So much so, that he won't even talk about it. Try treating him with the same level of disregard as he treats you. Cooking for him is a chore - don't do it. Laundry is a chore - don't do it etc. When he brings it up, refuse to talk about it and see how he likes it. At some point, he'll get frustrated and want to talk. He is a roommate so treat him like one.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> He is a roommate so treat him like one.


If only more people did this.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Have you denied him before or told him "No" to sex before?


In our lifetime? Well, yes, but it's been very rare, with reason, and never for an extended period of time.



Young at Heart said:


> Now as to talking about sex. For some people that can be really hard. Sex can be a taboo topic.


First, thank you for the thoughtful and detailed reply. We used to be able to talk about sex just fine. Most of the things mentioned have never been an issue (we've been together over 25 years).



Young at Heart said:


> Your H probably knows how important sex is to you and that puts tremendous pressure on him to perform which makes it harder for him to enjoy.


I think this is part of it, although I don't know why he would start feeling this way now. I even told him, no pressure.



Young at Heart said:


> Have you ever thought about telling him that you understand that he masturbates and that you would like to share in that part of his sexuality.


This is where the talking stopped working (and seemed to make things worse). He says it's a private thing. I'd be fine with that if I didn't feel like he replaced me with it.

We have tried the mutual thing while playing an adult game, but it's not for him.



Blondilocks said:


> He is a roommate so treat him like one.


I've been trying to be understanding. I mean, yeah, I want more sex, but I also want him to be okay (if something is wrong). I want him to be happy too, so wouldn't doing this come across as selfish and unkind?



Personal said:


> If only more people did this.


Does it actually work toward rekindling the relationship, or is it the first step in ending things?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's putting your cards on the table. He has no problem with your discomfort. Will he be as understanding when his needs aren't met?


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I wouldn't. Ever.

I was always a lot more satisfied after sex than masturbation. I was always hornier quicker again after masturbation than sex too.


----------



## LibrasTruth (Jan 18, 2021)

Current situation...for me its not that I would rather masturbate but its my only option. My wife stopped having sex w me because of a fight and like most women when they're mad there is no sex. Only later, there was no angry sex, no make up sex just nothing. To the point where im not even getting special sex lol For example, if she's denying sex for a while but today is different because of your birthday or christmas or hell, even an anniversary but no. I wasn't even getting that. Later I find that her attention has been elsewhere so now i feel as though she's cheated. Now MY urge for sex is dropping because I feel unattracted. I figure since I'm not much of an initiator when it came to sex so I started making the first move. But its always her body hurts, she's tired, she hasn't showered (which btw I could care less) or whatever. So now we don't have sex, you won't have sex when I try aaaand if I strongarm it well we all know that's r*#@. We went so long without I literally sat her down and expressed that as a man not having sex with the one person I see day in and day out and is married to is killing me! Its like why did i get married if you were going to control my sex life? I got all the oral and sex as a single man and when I marry I go MONTHS without sex? smh Crazy!!! And if I sleep with anyone else that's cheating and I will lose my girls. So what's left? Porn it is. Its so routine now its like she knows when i'm going to do it and still says or does anything. This problem is very much so real and comfortable to know IM not alone on this sad topic.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LibrasTruth said:


> Current situation...for me its not that I would rather masturbate but its my only option. My wife stopped having sex w me because of a fight and like most women when they're mad there is no sex. Only later, there was no angry sex, no make up sex just nothing. To the point where im not even getting special sex lol For example, if she's denying sex for a while but today is different because of your birthday or christmas or hell, even an anniversary but no. I wasn't even getting that. Later I find that her attention has been elsewhere so now i feel as though she's cheated. Now MY urge for sex is dropping because I feel unattracted. I figure since I'm not much of an initiator when it came to sex so I started making the first move. But its always her body hurts, she's tired, she hasn't showered (which btw I could care less) or whatever. So now we don't have sex, you won't have sex when I try aaaand if I strongarm it well we all know that's r*#@. We went so long without I literally sat her down and expressed that as a man not having sex with the one person I see day in and day out and is married to is killing me! Its like why did i get married if you were going to control my sex life? I got all the oral and sex as a single man and when I marry I go MONTHS without sex? smh Crazy!!! And if I sleep with anyone else that's cheating and I will lose my girls. So what's left? Porn it is. Its so routine now its like she knows when i'm going to do it and still says or does anything. This problem is very much so real and comfortable to know IM not alone on this sad topic.


You dont need to use porn to masturbate.People managed without it for countless centuries.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> You dont need to use porn to masturbate.People managed without it for countless centuries.


But who gets to dictate HOW one masturbates? Is it OK if no porn is involved but wrong if it is? What if I think of the woman I saw at the store an hour earlier? Is that wrong? I think you see what I am getting at. Why is if porn is involved or not a concern?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But who gets to dictate HOW one masturbates? Is it OK if no porn is involved but wrong if it is? What if I think of the woman I saw at the store an hour earlier? Is that wrong? I think you see what I am getting at. Why is if porn is involved or not a concern?


For some of us porn is a no no in the marriage. For many its a form of mental cheating. How about thinking of your wife?


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This thread is NOT about pornography. 
I'd like to contribute to the real topic of this thread, but the only answer to the question I can think of today would be rude and unhelpful. 
The reason that this man might prefer masturbation to marital sex has little to do with why OP's husband is choosing masturbation over her offers.
There is an emotional disconnect at work here and we don't know the root of it.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> I've been trying to be understanding. I mean, yeah, I want more sex, but I also want him to be okay (if something is wrong). I want him to be happy too, so wouldn't doing this come across as selfish and unkind?


That's a nice sentiment but it's also a two-way street. Wanting regular sex from your partner is neither selfish or unkind. If due to the circumstances that request is harming the situation, then it falls on the partner to explain what the problem is. It looks like you are more than willing to help and are expressing sympathy. At some point denying the other partner an explanation becomes selfish and unkind. 

Regardless of the issue at hand, when has he expressed an interest in you being happy?


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> For some of us porn is a no no in the marriage. For many its a form of mental cheating. How about thinking of your wife?





Diana7 said:


> For some of us porn is a no no in the marriage. For many its a form of mental cheating. How about thinking of your wife?


Well, if I (or anyone) is masturbating because their spouse will not have sex with them, their spouse is probably the last person they would want to think of.

I get what you are saying but it sure feels like that mentality would be trying to control what I think and that wouldn't work for me in a marriage. Essentially you are saying I can only think of "you" (the wife) when taking care of myself.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s probably not you. He’s just probably a lazy person.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Is it something he has told you he prefers to sex with you?


No, but he's doing him and not doing me, so his actions are screaming it.



FlaviusMaximus said:


> Regardless of the issue at hand, when has he expressed an interest in you being happy?


Yes, he always says he wants me to be happy. He seems to genuinely try in other areas. Can he not see that limiting the "self love" might make him more available to me? That's why I feel he's withholding, or almost like I'm being "punished" for something.



Mr. Nail said:


> There is an emotional disconnect at work here and we don't know the root of it.


This is what I think too. I've asked. He says there is no resentment, etc.

I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments. I just don't know what to do.

He walked in and kissed me deeply, passionately for several moments last night and told me he loves me. I love him too, which is why I just don't get it. 

Maybe an exam is in order. I've asked if he wants to talk to someone, he doesn't. He says he is just too tired. He does work hard, but he seems to find the energy to do things he wants to do (or to have sex when he wants to have it), so I don't see tired as a stand alone reason...

Maybe he does just feel too pressured, knowing that I want more than he can give right now (which was never a thing before).


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> Yes, he always says he wants me to be happy. He seems to genuinely try in other areas. Can he not see that limiting the "self love" might make him more available to me? That's why I feel he's withholding, or almost like I'm being "punished" for something.





So Married said:


> No, but he's doing him and not doing me, so his actions are screaming it.


As you said, too tired doesn’t keep him from masturbating, so that doesn’t seem plausible. I didn’t see anywhere in the thread, so I’ll ask, are you having sex at all? Is his masturbation so frequent that he has nothing left in the tank? Do you know if he gets a full erection when he masturbates? Apologies for the personal questions but that might point to some ED issue that he’s trying to work out on his own.

If he says he’s too tired, what does not being too tired look like? What changes can he make in his schedule to provide you with what is an essential part of marriage? Just my two cents but he is either punishing you and not telling you the reason or he is experiencing some internal issue he doesn’t want to admit to you. I think punishing you is unlikely as according to you he seems to be loving in other ways. That, or punishing you exclusively in the bedroom is the point?

Either one is unfair though and either one is hurtful to a relationship. It is not unreasonable to put your foot down over it to get at the answer, while one of your motivations is regular sex, you also seem caring and truly sympathetic to his well-being. Bottom line though, he’s meeting his needs at the expense of yours.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I think his drive probably is lower than before, so masturbating probably is emptying the tank.

We do have sex occasionally, and it's good. It's just not frequent.

Ok, I ran it by someone IRL (a relative of mine, whom I trust completely to never utter a word of this to my husband) and they said that changes I've made could be an issue. I thought they were all good changes though. I had suffered a serious injury and gotten out of shape, so now that I'm healing somewhat, I've been getting in shape. I've lost weight, been exercising, overall looking and feeling better. 

My confidant said husband might think I'm fixing myself up for someone else or so I can leave him.... couldn't be further from the truth. I thought he'd be happy with the new and improved me. Could this really be a thing?

Now, I feel guilty for discussing something so private with a relative and even here. How do I end up feeling like the bad guy here? What the hell? I just couldn't go on indefinitely without trying to find answers, but now I just want to cry. Again.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I suppose your confidant’s logic goes something like; your sex life is infrequent so you getting in shape must be to put yourself out there? Is that correct? I’d think you getting in shape would have the opposite effect on your husband – men generally respond well to positive changes their wives are making in their lives. I think your confidant's logic is a real stretch, especially if you’re working back to your pre-injury shape. Sorry to hear that BTW… I assume (without asking specifics) that there wasn’t anything about your injury that made you seem too frail to him or that there isn’t any reason he’d hold back while you healed? 

All of this is speculation though and until he addresses it with you, you’ll get all kinds of opinions and advice but there aren’t enough pieces in the puzzle. Something is unresolved in him or in his perspective on your relationship. ED issues, depression, some sort of self-esteem issue might be the cause.

You know he is uncomfortable talking about it AND you know he seems more interested in masturbating as a sexual activity than having sex with you. You need to find out what satisfies both those truths – pressing the issue with him is the only way you’ll get there. 

Hey, we all have discussed private things here. You’re trying to sort out something important to you and your husband, there’s no harm in that and who knows, one of us lunatics might have some sound advice.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> It's putting your cards on the table. He has no problem with your discomfort. Will he be as understanding when his needs aren't met?


THIS!!!


----------



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

This one hits home as I have been guilty of this at times. Sex with my wife is great when it happens. Masturbation is quick and dirty. 

Here is my question, is there something wearing him down or sapping his mental/physical energy? In my case, I am simply spent by the end of the day and do not want one more task to complete.


----------



## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

Enigma32 said:


> There is a certain amount of pressure involved as a man to perform sexually and pleasure a woman. When your guy masturbates, that pressure is not there and he can just give himself some release, stress free, and get on with his day. Did he say precisely why he feels like sex is a chore?


also a man has to get an erection. there is no faking or hand waving that. if a guy doesn't get one when he starts pleasuring him self no big deal. if he doesn't get on while with you. he feels and you feel bad, so chore. 
you two need to talk about the what ifs. there is also the rejection factor. getting told no sucks. so its just sometimes easier to "do it your self".. talk.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I think your confidant's logic is a real stretch, especially if you’re working back to your pre-injury shape.


I'm in even better shape now, but even when I was heavier, that never slowed him down.



FlaviusMaximus said:


> Sorry to hear that BTW


Thank you.



FlaviusMaximus said:


> pressing the issue with him is the only way you’ll get there.


I guess so.



FlaviusMaximus said:


> one of us lunatics might have some sound advice.


Haha, thanks. I appreciate your support (really).


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Thank you for admitting this, truly. Please don't take this the wrong way, but wow..... holy crap.



DesertRat1978 said:


> This one hits home as I have been guilty of this at times. Sex with my wife is great when it happens. Masturbation is quick and dirty.


I just don't get it. If it's great, why don't you want more? Is porn involved? Also, doesn't it bother you that this hurts her? Not being mean, serious question.



DesertRat1978 said:


> Here is my question, is there something wearing him down or sapping his mental/physical energy? In my case, I am simply spent by the end of the day and do not want one more task to complete.


To some degree, yes, but like I said he has energy for things he wants to do.

A "task". or a "chore" ... what a kick in the guts. Sorry, not trying to be mean to you, but it's so raw for me right now. How can making love to the woman you love be such a chore or task? That just blows my mind.

Is there no way to change this?


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

marriedfor27years said:


> there is also the rejection factor. getting told no sucks. so its just sometimes easier to "do it your self"


I'M the one getting rejected here, and yeah it sucks.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I haven’t seen his age and General condition and state of health being mentioned. 

Has he gotten fat and out of shape in recent times? Obesity and sedentary lifestyle can drastically effect a man’s testosterone levels and libido. 

That along with a general reduction in virility and hormone levels with age can have a big effect on a man’s libido. 

It can also effect a man’s level of ambition and vitality in general.

How masturbating can fit into this is it is simply easier and no effort required. 

You only have to take care of yourself. You can do it on your own timetable. You don’t have to romance and seduce yourself. You don’t have to give yourself foreplay. You don’t have to hold yourself and be cuddly after your done. 

Some times people simply become sexual duds because they have allowed themselves to get out of shape and lazy.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The other possible reasons are - 

- they have lost attraction to their partner dues to weight gain, lack of hygiene, lack of response or desire in their partner. 

- resentment, hostility, disgust etc towards their partner. 

- getting their sexual needs met through another person ie having an affair. 

- preferring porn/ spanking to real thing for reasons mentioned above. 

- medical or psychological condition.

-some medications can also cause not only ED but almost a complete loss of libido.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> L
> - resentment, hostility, disgust etc towards their partner.


I’m not sure how much this actually effects healthy men however.

In my experience, men tolerate a ton of crap from women as long as the women are taking care of them sexually. 

Most of the resentment and hostility I have seen from men towards their partners is their partners lack of sexual response to them. 

A typical man would probably have sex with his partner the morning of their divorce before heading to the courthouse if his partner was DTF. And I have known lots of guys that hook up with their ex’s after the divorce. 

Unless a wife herself is cheating or completely emasculating him, there are very few relationship issues that would keep him from having sex with her.


----------



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

So Married said:


> To some degree, yes, but like I said he has energy for things he wants to do.
> 
> A "task". or a "chore" ... what a kick in the guts. Sorry, not trying to be mean to you, but it's so raw for me right now. How can making love to the woman you love be such a chore or task? That just blows my mind.


Most things in life operate on a spectrum. They are not absolute or all/nothing. A person may have enough time, energy, patience, whatever for some things but not all things. Either he has less energy (mentally or physically) or he has become bored with it. I know, not the best thing to read/hear. What can be done? Well, first you need an open conversation about it. From there, he needs to increase his energy level or have less to do. If it is boredom, spice things up a bit. This could be you initiating or him but in a different way. 

In my case, we have a 6 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. I am very active and hands on with them. The morning pre-school/daycare ritual is mostly the dad show. I do most of the laundry/dishes/cleaning as well. By 9 pm, I only want to zone out and be left alone.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I am having some issues myself here and some stuff sort of got me ticking..

I am gonna describe my situation quickly and then ask if it fits your situation. Then maybe you can extrapolate from there.

My wife is an attractive woman.. It's not me just saying this.. She just is. Thin or a bit heavy she is just a good looking woman. Not much of an ass, but the face has that I'm a dirty girl look. Her chest is there. So she comes off like a dirty blonde. She knows she is good looking.. She knows how to pose and stand.. It's as if she has been practicing this craft/skill for a long time.. Wet T-shirt contest. Living with a friend which was a stripper when she was younger. Further she is not shy in bed to tell you what she wants and how she wants it. If you are doing oral and your off the mark she will tell you and move you if needed. 

Myself I have some insecurities, I am a mixed bag.. Retired Law Enforcement. Working in a Cyber role now.. I make a good dollar.. an expensive home.. I'm no slouch.. But I am a bit heavy, with a belly.. But I am a tall man so I think I carry it well. Though I do have a warped perception of myself being much heavier. 

My sex drive is high.. When we first met for several years.. We were together 3 nights during the week and the weekends.. We were having sex once a night during the week ( 3 times ) Weekends were up for grabs.. It was at least twice a day to maybe 3. So you are talking sex was 7 to 8 times a week. 

We get married, have our own issues.

My wife likes to tell me from time to time either Subconsciously or because we are fighting how other men are interested in her. In an attempt to make me feel insecure.. 
I have ways of combatting this but sometimes I am tired or off my game and she hooks me. 

Right now we have a lot of resentment for each other.. 
Sex is now gone to once every 10 days or longer.. Currently 33/34 days and we had sex twice.. 
If I do fvck her she ends up "Falling in love" again and tells me so and how this is just our dynamic of fighting and making up.. I just don't want this dynamic anymore. I just want to be happy with her.. 

But the last thing I want to do is fvck her when she is making me feel insecure. 
I also know since there is no sex atm.. I have zero problem telling her I need some alone time to go jerk off.. This of course bothers her since we are trying to fix this but limit our sex. 
But again I don't care about that.. At this point I am beyond this.. My thoughts are make me feel like I am a man. That I am THE MAN and all will be fine.. 
She doesn't she wants me to feel small sometimes.. But I explain this to her clearly.. I never beat around the bush with her.. When she makes me feel insecure or is trying I tell her.. I get upset and I explain to her.. This is what you are trying to evoke and it worked so why are you upset that now I am upset.. Your plan worked.. You won..

So now that you get our dynamics..

Are you talking about other men.. 
Does he know somehow you are talking about other men to your friends.. EG he's recording your conversations in the house ? 

You mentioned your looks. Is he feeling like this fat guy fvcking some hot chick and now feels uncomfortable ?
Again I don't know.. 

As I mentioned I am very very vocal when I see something I don't like or if I feel threatened.. 

End result I can tell you there are nights when I am jerking off in one room and my wife is doing herself in another.. It is totally fvcking retarded.. But this is the game we are playing ATM.
Overall my wife no longer wants to have sex a lot.. She wants like a Saturday and Sunday.. My answer is when You can eat only on Saturday and Sunday and survive the rest of the week ( monday through friday ) without eating then come talk to me..

I would be fine with sex 3 ( to 4 ) times a week and I will take care of business on an off day.. 

But what is happening now.. Since I am jerking off 1 to 3 times a day depending.. My d1ck is getting sore and its rejecting me.. 
End result now I am NOT ready sometimes when my wife might be.. So she gets offended like I am not excited for her or even when she tries to help me out it takes a bit.. 

Again I am used to jerking off instead of fvcking.. I have made this clear to her as well. 
To me she wants her cake and eat it to.. She wants to fvck when she wants to fvck and also I should be hot and horney for her.. But she is not steady with it either and even has changed her mind from one hour to another.. So she will tell me lets fvck today and then hours later she says nevermind.. 

So resentment ensues and I no longer hold her to her word.. I just jerk off when I want to jerk off as she isn't true to her word either.. 

Again if he can't talk about it means he just doesn't have the balls and he is resenting something about you, but just can't tell you.

I can't be more crystal clear to my wife..
BTW I am 53 if age matters. 

Personally I think there is a mix of things going on..
I think he feels intimidated. 
I think you might not be telling everything from your end. I am not looking to start a fight or challenge you.. Just something doesn't feel right with me on some of the things you said.
He might see you looking at other men, you might not have before.. I seen this with rookie female cops.. Average looking girl now is in the best shape of her life coming out of the academy and she is pretty much in a place with majority of men and is pretty much getting ALL the attention being the new girl.. Some woman know how to handle this and some don't.. End result the ones that don't end up fvcking half the male cops within a 12 month period.. 

I am being blunt and I am sorry.. 
Like were you a 5 with the weight on and now your a 7 so you are feeding off this new found attention and he see's it ?
Is he feeling like he is left in the dust now ?

E.G. When me and my wife would go out.. She would get a lot of attention from men. Again no one every crossed the line while I was with her because I guess I am tall imposing person. 
But I ALSO got attention from women because she was attractive.. It the simple what does she have that I don't.. Of course men with women looking at her also drew the attention of their women to me as well. End result I would do better going out with her then if I was by myself. She made it clear she did not want to go to the bathroom by herself because it would cause unwanted attention and I wasn't dumb either I got it and it made sense.. 

So again I don't know if you are giving off this vibe..


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

So Married said:


> I don't understand. He finds sex a "chore," even though when we (rarely) have it, it's great for both of us.
> 
> What could make a man replace sex life with solo sex? What did I do to make him stop wanting me?
> 
> ...


He likes sex, just not with you. You have to realize that most relationships evolve over time. Most times you have to look inward because whatever attracted him to you perhaps is missing. 
We all get complacent in relationships and get sloppy. Porn should be consumed together. The minute a spouse feels the need to hide anything from the other spouse.....that's when things go downhill.
Make yourself desirable by just being yourself and being free. Pick up a new hobby, a new interest. Something that lets him know you've got your own wings.
If he knows you're there all the time then he might get bored and complacent as well.
Food for thought.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I hit a couple posts with a like, because I didn't have time to respond. I really appreciate all the thoughtful and informative and personal responses, so thank you all very much. 

Thank you too, to those who insisted I speak with him again despite his avoidance. We ended up having a good talk. He noted that stress is an issue (and life certainly has been throwing us some curve balls). There was also a misunderstanding that we cleared up, which I think was a big problem. 

I had suggested that he go out with his buddy more and either do stuff or hang out or even just talk more, since he doesn't get a lot of "man time" lately. He puts in a lot of time at work and their schedules don't always mesh, but I know he doesn't want to always talk to only me ... men need to be around other men. 

He somehow took it to mean that I thought he should discuss our sex issues with his buddy. That apparently made him feel embarrassed just thinking about it, and he became upset with me over it (and I had no clue). It wasn't what I intended at all. It was in fact a separate conversation. I just meant to talk about guy stuff or sports or w/e.

Once we got that cleared up, his mood seemed much lighter. He made a romantic dinner for us the next night, we enjoyed the evening together, and sat up late just talking and holding each other. Later that night he initiated and I happily agreed. 

I'm hoping with resentment out of the picture, we can work out the stress and get back on track. It was a good start. 

Again, thank you all for your time and support. I appreciate it.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> That along with a general reduction in virility and hormone levels with age can have a big effect on a man’s libido.
> 
> It can also effect a man’s level of ambition and vitality in general.
> 
> How masturbating can fit into this is it is simply easier and no effort required.


I think this is part of it.



DesertRat1978 said:


> This could be you initiating or him but in a different way.


Do you have any suggestions? Frankly, I don't really think he likes for me to initiate.



Hardtohandle said:


> I think you might not be telling everything from your end. I am not looking to start a fight or challenge you.. Just something doesn't feel right with me on some of the things you said.


What do you question?



Hardtohandle said:


> So again I don't know if you are giving off this vibe..


I don't think so. I do get attention, but I don't flaunt. I will be even more careful not to make him feel this way, so thanks for sharing.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can work it out.



aston said:


> If he knows you're there all the time then he might get bored and complacent as well.


That's a good point.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

So Married said:


> I had suggested that he go out with his buddy more and either do stuff or hang out or even just talk more, since he doesn't get a lot of "man time" lately. He puts in a lot of time at work and their schedules don't always mesh, but I know he doesn't want to always talk to only me ... men need to be around other men.


Men hanging out with men....

Guy #1: Hey have you paid much attention to the advances in virtual reality these days?

Guy #2: Not really, I tried that thing once where you place your phone in one of those 3D headsets and it seemed pretty lame.

Guy #1: The stuff they have these days incredibly advanced and the resolution is in 5K at up to 90fps!

Guy #2: (suddenly interested)

Guy #1: Here put this one for a try (sets up device to play VR porn in 5K)

Guy #2: OMFG!!!!!


----------



## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

yeah, re: above, huh and I'd say unlikely. . .

But hey, 2020 was an enormously stressful thing for us all, and in my own life, and it really impacted our sex lives---took quite some time to realize this.

So it's possible that stress made him limp for his woman, and the only way he could feel virile (because of ED) was by proving it using porn. That's my hypothesis.

Sad times. But at least we voted for a man who said he had a plan, fwiw.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Men hanging out with men....
> 
> Guy #1: Hey have you paid much attention to the advances in virtual reality these days?
> 
> ...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

What happens when you directly take action, grab his privates a d take control, doing all the work, showing audibly and visually you really like to do him? No stress inducing talk other than playing the hot wife.

If he's turning that down, it's off to a dr for complete physical and bloodwork tests.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What happens when you directly take action, grab his privates a d take control, doing all the work, showing audibly and visually you really like to do him? No stress inducing talk other than playing the hot wife.
> 
> If he's turning that down, it's off to a dr for complete physical and bloodwork tests.


I don't think he actually likes for me to initiate, despite claiming (like many men do) that he wants that. I guess he likes the chase? 

But, I did try just that last night. He didn't turn me down, but he didn't seem totally into it either. I hope he doesn't have health problems, but a simple explanation would suit me much better than feeling like he just doesn't want me any more. 

Thanks.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Aside from the moral reasons of why masturbation is wrong I think this thread shows the also why it is harmful to marriage in a natural sense. It devalues marital sex. Hubby can just take care of himself.... leading to laziness or complacency with sex. This only gets worse as a man (and woman) age and especially worse if porn is involved because the man is filling his mind with women more fit, more curvy, and more youthful than his wife. Pretty soon the man has trained himself that his wife is just a PIA sexually speaking- and not the special, beautiful gift that she actually is. So sad.

Morality and religion are really the only cure IMO. If a man at least thinks there might be an eternity in hell for adultery (of the heart) he might stay away from such immoral practices. Men are too distracted nowadays to ponder eternity, marriage, God, or life in general. Maybe a man could give up masturbation and/or porn just solely out of his love for his wife... but this would be extraordinarily difficult given that sexual frustration is a hard pill for men to swallow and porn is only about two mouse clicks away. 

I'm sorry @So Married for your struggles- but this really isn't your problem or even one you can solve. Men today are going to have to standup and fight against masturbation (and porn) with all of their strength. Wives will regain their power, influence, and allure over their husbands- if all us jerks could just give this stuff up.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I am now at 113 days of no porn or self care and no desire to return. Was causing an issue for me because I was not actively trying to improve my sexual relationship with my sexually distancing wife.

I highly recommend having your SO listen to Dad Starting Over podcast “Porn - The Four Letter Word”. I had suspected it was the wrong way to go for a while but he puts it into words quite nicely in a short podcast.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> I'm sorry @So Married for your struggles


Thank you.



ccpowerslave said:


> I highly recommend having your SO listen to Dad Starting Over podcast “Porn - The Four Letter Word”.


Appreciate the response. Congrats on your recovery. Good for you.

He swears he hasn't touched porn since he promised to stop when I found out and confronted him (some time ago). I want to be believe that, but I'm really starting to wonder.

I've asked him to read and listen to stuff, but he doesn't want to. I think he feels ashamed. I don't want to shame him further, but I do want our life back.

He says he will talk to the doctor. Will that make a difference? We shall see.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

He started being more affectionate, playful and even flirting toward the weekend. We talked until the wee hours Friday night. He was dealing with some personal issues, and finally opened up. One thing led to another, and passion ensued, until the sun came up. We slept a few hours, got up and went for food, made love again.

I had asked if he had started using porn again. I believed him when he said he hadn't. He said he was just working through some things. Although, now he's upset with me for even asking (although he didn't seem upset about it at the time). I don't get this... pulling away after the closeness/intense connection or what?


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> He started being more affectionate, playful and even flirting toward the weekend. We talked until the wee hours Friday night. He was dealing with some personal issues, and finally opened up. One thing led to another, and passion ensued, until the sun came up. We slept a few hours, got up and went for food, made love again.


Cool, glad to hear you're back in the saddle. As for him getting upset about you asking about porn, he may just want to subject to go away if he has given it up. Besides, if he hasn't, you're gonna find out sooner or later anyway. That's a habit that's hard to hide...hope things continue to improve.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> hope things continue to improve.


Thank you. I hope so too. 

I think you're probably right. He is embarrassed, so he probably just wants to move on. I'm fine with that and won't bring it up again, as long as he keeps his promise.

Man, I don't even know how we got here. We always had the best relationship until recently. I hope we can get it back or start over.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> Man, I don't even know how we got here. We always had the best relationship until recently. I hope we can get it back or start over.


Marriage demands a lot from people, the sacrifices, the understanding, compromises, forgiveness and charity. Hell, I’m amazed they work at all sometimes. I think one of the reasons they can is that physical intimacy is one of the rewards – not only for having children, but something that strengthens the bonds between husband and wife. Sex defines us at our most vulnerable and expressive all at once IMO. That’s why I think it’s a big, big deal when that part of marriage is failing. I hope things continue to get better for you and your husband, you seem like a decent person.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Life in general has been demanding on us lately, but yeah, marriage is journey, not a destination. For sure. 

I still love being married to him though. He is a good man. He is my heart.



FlaviusMaximus said:


> I hope things continue to get better for you and your husband, you seem like a decent person.


Thank you, kind sir. I appreciate your support and advice.


----------

