# My husband and my daughter from a previous marriage...



## 9reasons

I cannot believe I have found this forum! I so need it right now for some advice. I will try and give some brief background. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. This is my third marriage, I have a daughter from my first marriage and a daughter from my second. They have always been close. 

After my second marriage broke up, I went into pretty deep self reflection, read all the personal development books, had counselling, etc. and stayed on my own for 6 years. I found out that I had been affected by my father and brother (mum divorced dad when I was 12 and re-married). My father then leaned on me for company, etc. when I visited and I found myself being rather responsible for his well-being. Add to this a weird older brother that I had to grow up with (he was the youngest until I came along and he was very jealous of me). I think now looking back on it that he had some type of personality disorder, but in any case he was very abusive towards me, physically and emotionally and caused lots of upset in our house. I believe as a result of this I have had to work through 3 issues, being over-responsible, not meeting my needs and having a high tolerance of unacceptable behaviour.

My first marriage was just a classic mistake, probably not surprising because of my background. He had all the classic signs of being unsuitable, but I thought he would change, you know, the same old story. I met my second husband very shortly after my first marriage broke up (he was a long time friend of my brother... birds of a feather?) and he was a very controlling, manipulative man who I am sure has Narcissism. I am trying to keep this short so it does not get overly long. Anyway after this marriage broke up, I needed to work on myself to see what was wrong with me as I seemed to be picking the wrong types.

I felt like the 6 years I spent on myself and raising my girls were some of the happiest and most productive years of being a mother, even thought divorce from my second husband was very ugly and painful. I ended up quite comfortable financially as the business we had did well while we were married, but he didn't want me to get much, you know what I mean. I dated three men in that time and felt I learned much more about boundaries, etc. and practised what I had learned. 

When husband number 3 came along, it felt like the perfect thing. I cringe now as I realise I virtually made all the same mistakes. He virtually moved in with me after only two days, it felt so 'right' (I realise I just attracted my 'type' again), etc. Anyway things seemed great. My two girls seemed to like him, they were 7 and 12 then, they are now 16 and 21. But unknowingly, I made all the same mistakes. I let him get his needs met and denied my own, I was over-responsible and I had a high tolerance for unacceptable behaviour. To give you some examples, he wanted to stop work and start a business from home, I didn't want him to just quit work, I had only known him about a year at this time, but I ended up getting talked into it and I supported us financially for a few years while we tried to do this business which never really took off. I asked him to go back to work, after setting limits with how much of my savings we would spend, but to no avail, he always found a way to talk me into continuing it. Another example, when my 21 year old turned 16, she got into some strife, nothing really that bad, but challenging teenage stuff, and he was really harsh with her, so harsh in fact, that he made her give back her key and at 19 she had to find a place to live. You might ask why I allowed this to happen, but my younger daughter who was about 14 at the time, said she had money missing and my husband swore blind he had money missing, so because my younger daughter was distressed, not knowing what to do, I allowed it, even though it caused me immense heartache. I cannot stress enough here how painful that all was for me, but had I been on my own, I would not have made her move out, that's for sure. It was a dark time.
We were estranged for a while but are very close again as I love my two daughters and I want nothing more than to be close to them and have a loving relationship and involvement in their lives.

My husband has two kids of his own but he hardly sees his daughter and never sees his son. He used to, but because they did not like visiting him here, at our home, (my house before we met) he would not see them seperately so they drifted apart. Once again, lots more detail, like his son stole money from a friend of my daughters at home here which did not help.

I realise I cannot possibly give you all the details but this is my problem. My husband had a kind, caring side to him, but he is passive-aggressive, likes his needs met, and gets ego-centric when they are not, wants to spend all his time with me, has trust issues, safety issues and essentially wants to be mothered. I have since worked on my issues, so I am probably presenting him with challenges right now as I am not meeting his needs unequivocably, I am starting to honour my own, I am pulling back from being over-responsible and I am starting to notice that I tolerate his unreasonable behaviour and I am making moves to change that. However, my youngest daughter who still lives at home, just happened to challenge him one day about how he prefers to spend his time with me and she was fed up and lonely with being left out of things (believe me, he does leave her out of a lot of things, we work 5 nights a week in a newly acquired restaurant and the two nights a week we get off, he wants dinner out with just me on one of them, we work, eat and sleep together and I miss family evenings with my daughter :-( a lot) anyway in his black and white way of seeing the world, she has now been shut out as being disrespectful, rude and selfish - how dare she challenge him. That was 3 months ago, he has been silent, passive-aggressive and callous towards her since. I have realised that this hurts me a lot and have begged him to not be like that, but he does not seem to want to budge. My daughter is a genuinely lovely soul and tolerates a lot of his current behaviour for my sake. However, I am at my wits end... I hate to be looking at a third divorce but I need to do something. My two girls and I are close, we just had coffee tonight and thankfully have good boundaries and have been a tremendous support to me through this but my husbands behaviour is putting me in a place where I will have to decide between him and them. My eldest daughter made the mistake of sticking up for us one night when he was being verbally abusive, so now she is blacker than black in his eyes. I cannot understand why he can be like this when he knows it is so important to me. One revelation to me is that he can treat me badly but when it comes to my daughters, that is a different story.

Thank you for staying with me if you are still reading this, I know it is long... I just want to be able to have a relationship with my girls... he wants me to choose him and is doing what he can to move them out of our life, but I love my girls and it is breaking my heart what he is doing. Divorce is hard and final and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. Can anyone help?


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## marina72

Your kids Always comes first. And since he knew it would be a blended family from the start, he has no business treating your youngest like this, Or kicking your 19 year old out.

If he can't love them, he can't love you. This is the way I feel about it. I have to tell you , personally, I would leave him.

I would never let a man mentally abuse my 14 year old child like he seems to be doing. Next, he'll have her kicked out too.

And to not speak to her for 3 months? That is just sociopathic....

And perhaps the worst part of this is.... young girls, when they grow up, often times choose men, like the ones their mother's dated or married....

It's a fact that is scary, as you wouldn't want either of your daughters tangled up with this kind of man. Unfortunately, kids will get impressions about what a relationship is supposed to be, from their parents...

So, even though she will know when she's older that her step-dad treated her badly, she might very well seek out these destructive men, just as you did.

Stop the cycle... show your youngest, and your older daughter, that you have to power to choose who you love, and what you are willing to tolerate. 

Don't settle for less than a loving man, that will love and honor your kids. 

Please let us know how it turns out..... take care...


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## 9reasons

I have given him a month so that if he wants to save our marriage, he can show me by signficant improvement in his behaviour. I feel absolutely gutted this morning, like my world is coming to an end... I hope God gives me the strength I need to get through this :-(


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## marina72

He will... God is always there for you. Lean on him.

I think you're doing the right thing.... your daughter doesn't deserve to be treated this way. I think deep down in your heart, you know it's not right. Hopefully he can change and see the kind of damage he is doing.


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## MsStacy

I agree with Marina....your kids absolutely, positively come first! Period. Your husband has already shown you that he will estrange you from your daughters, don't let him do this again. Our daughters are learning what marriage means from our examples. Teach them they can be strong, have opinions, and most important...that they are to be valued and a top priority. If your husband does not value the relationship you have with your daughters....if that is not a priority to him....they will carry that over to their personal relationships later. Just as you have carried your relationship with your father into your marriages.

You know what the right thing to do is. I tend to agree with the ultimatum you are giving....just make sure you back it up and leave him if he doesn't change his priorities.


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## l0v3elc

marina72 said:


> Your kids Always comes first. And since he knew it would be a blended family from the start, he has no business treating your youngest like this, Or kicking your 19 year old out.
> 
> If he can't love them, he can't love you. This is the way I feel about it. I have to tell you , personally, I would leave him.
> 
> I would never let a man mentally abuse my 14 year old child like he seems to be doing. Next, he'll have her kicked out too.
> 
> And to not speak to her for 3 months? That is just sociopathic....
> 
> And perhaps the worst part of this is.... young girls, when they grow up, often times choose men, like the ones their mother's dated or married....
> 
> It's a fact that is scary, as you wouldn't want either of your daughters tangled up with this kind of man. Unfortunately, kids will get impressions about what a relationship is supposed to be, from their parents...
> 
> So, even though she will know when she's older that her step-dad treated her badly, she might very well seek out these destructive men, just as you did.
> 
> Stop the cycle... show your youngest, and your older daughter, that you have to power to choose who you love, and what you are willing to tolerate.
> 
> Don't settle for less than a loving man, that will love and honor your kids.
> 
> Please let us know how it turns out..... take care...


I very much agree with this :iagree:


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## Valuable to Him

*Re: My husband believes all that matters is him and I (not my kids)*

Someone said, “Since this is my second marriage...my kids come first....but I never have to choose... choose...my hubby knows I love him”

You should never have to choose between your husband and children. Family comes first....that means everyone.

Nothing really that bad, but challenging teenage stuff. I love my two kids and I want nothing more than to be close to them and have a loving relationship and involvement in their lives, and had hoped that it would be the same and include my 2nd husband. 

My husband has a kind, caring side to him, but he is passive, uncommunicative, often does not express outwardly emotion, or able to accurately read others’ emotions and have empathy/sympathy. He believes he is not self-centered or has many needs, very often doesn’t express his wants or needs, but likes to have them met, and can get ego-centric when they are not, wants to spend all his time with me, shows signs of trust and insecurity issues. I have since worked on my issues, so I am probably presenting him with challenges right now as I am not meeting his needs unequivocably, I am starting to honour my own, I am pulling back from being over-responsible and I am starting to notice that I tolerate his unreasonable behaviour and I am making moves to change that. 

My children have voiced to him how they would have preferred him to spend one-on-one time with them (or at least without mom all the time), and they didn’t like that he just tried to spend all his time with me and how lonely with left out they felt. Anyway in his black and white way of seeing the world, they are shut out as being disrespectful, rude and selfish, and they only say it to please me – as if they don’t have minds or feelings of their own (especially now that they are young adults (18 and 20). I have ALWAYS told them to tell the truth, even if it is a situation that it may mean it hurts me. It is important to express your feelings honestly. We moved out 10 months ago, and has made no contact with my kids, (his ‘step-children) except in the last 2 weeks (sent 1 text to my daughter re: her pregnancy, talking to my son about a request my son asked him about regarding using his cell phone upgrade because my son’s cell phone screen broke). Except for that and when my son has gone there to make amends and repay a large money debt to my husband, he has not talked to either one of my kids. This hurts me alot and have talked to him regarding the impact on them and on me, and that this is a hardened heart in God’s eyes (my husband is not a believer), but he gets defensive and does not seem to want to budge. I cannot understand why he can be like this when he knows it is so important to me. 

He has stated that he has not ‘intentionally’ hurt me or anyone else… (including no acknowledgement of lying (even to my face), lying about lying, hiding pop and candy from my kids because he ‘needs it for his lunches during work’ (just doesn’t want to share or support them), dismantling a car so I could not take it when I moved out, trying to take an alcoholic beverage in the car to drink for dinner on the way to taking my son to his IOP drug treatment family class, not saying I’m sorry, RARELY saying ‘I Love You’, etc…) Intentional or not, we ALL hurt people. And for that, it is important to genuinely admit to God, to ourselves, and to the person(s) we hurt, and/or other human beings. A person can tell when it is not sincere. My kids are genuinely loving and good, and tolerated a lot of his current behaviour for my sake. However, now they won’t talk to him, unless put in the position of being in the same place, then only to be cordial. 

He thinks I should put him first, and hardly talks to them, and has waited since we begun dating for the day they would be gone, ‘out of our lives’, but I am not going to choose between him and them on holidays, outings, events, etc., putting myself in the middle and a situation that makes them uncomfortable. It breaks my heart what he is doing, and I feel sorry for him that he seems to not have the capacity or desire to make any changes for a life of close and committed relationships. My (our) counselor of 3 1/2 years believes he may have a personality disorder. Perhaps some form of narcissism???

I won’t continue to be over-responsible and have a high tolerance for unacceptable behaviour, meeting his needs, while denying my own. I owe it to myself and to my kids - and to him, to show him I have more value than to continue to put myself in such a situation. 

Please pray for him, and me for the strength and faith to take care of myself and do what is right for all of us, even if it means divorcing.


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## 9reasons

*Re: My husband believes all that matters is him and I (not my kids)*



Valuable to Him said:


> Someone said, “Since this is my second marriage...my kids come first....but I never have to choose... choose...my hubby knows I love him”
> 
> You should never have to choose between your husband and children. Family comes first....that means everyone.
> 
> Nothing really that bad, but challenging teenage stuff. I love my two kids and I want nothing more than to be close to them and have a loving relationship and involvement in their lives, and had hoped that it would be the same and include my 2nd husband.
> 
> My husband has a kind, caring side to him, but he is passive, uncommunicative, often does not express outwardly emotion, or able to accurately read others’ emotions and have empathy/sympathy. He believes he is not self-centered or has many needs, very often doesn’t express his wants or needs, but likes to have them met, and can get ego-centric when they are not, wants to spend all his time with me, shows signs of trust and insecurity issues. I have since worked on my issues, so I am probably presenting him with challenges right now as I am not meeting his needs unequivocably, I am starting to honour my own, I am pulling back from being over-responsible and I am starting to notice that I tolerate his unreasonable behaviour and I am making moves to change that.
> 
> My children have voiced to him how they would have preferred him to spend one-on-one time with them (or at least without mom all the time), and they didn’t like that he just tried to spend all his time with me and how lonely with left out they felt. Anyway in his black and white way of seeing the world, they are shut out as being disrespectful, rude and selfish, and they only say it to please me – as if they don’t have minds or feelings of their own (especially now that they are young adults (18 and 20). I have ALWAYS told them to tell the truth, even if it is a situation that it may mean it hurts me. It is important to express your feelings honestly. We moved out 10 months ago, and has made no contact with my kids, (his ‘step-children) except in the last 2 weeks (sent 1 text to my daughter re: her pregnancy, talking to my son about a request my son asked him about regarding using his cell phone upgrade because my son’s cell phone screen broke). Except for that and when my son has gone there to make amends and repay a large money debt to my husband, he has not talked to either one of my kids. This hurts me alot and have talked to him regarding the impact on them and on me, and that this is a hardened heart in God’s eyes (my husband is not a believer), but he gets defensive and does not seem to want to budge. I cannot understand why he can be like this when he knows it is so important to me.
> 
> He has stated that he has not ‘intentionally’ hurt me or anyone else… (including no acknowledgement of lying (even to my face), lying about lying, hiding pop and candy from my kids because he ‘needs it for his lunches during work’ (just doesn’t want to share or support them), dismantling a car so I could not take it when I moved out, trying to take an alcoholic beverage in the car to drink for dinner on the way to taking my son to his IOP drug treatment family class, not saying I’m sorry, RARELY saying ‘I Love You’, etc…) Intentional or not, we ALL hurt people. And for that, it is important to genuinely admit to God, to ourselves, and to the person(s) we hurt, and/or other human beings. A person can tell when it is not sincere. My kids are genuinely loving and good, and tolerated a lot of his current behaviour for my sake. However, now they won’t talk to him, unless put in the position of being in the same place, then only to be cordial.
> 
> He thinks I should put him first, and hardly talks to them, and has waited since we begun dating for the day they would be gone, ‘out of our lives’, but I am not going to choose between him and them on holidays, outings, events, etc., putting myself in the middle and a situation that makes them uncomfortable. It breaks my heart what he is doing, and I feel sorry for him that he seems to not have the capacity or desire to make any changes for a life of close and committed relationships. My (our) counselor of 3 1/2 years believes he may have a personality disorder. Perhaps some form of narcissism???
> 
> I won’t continue to be over-responsible and have a high tolerance for unacceptable behaviour, meeting his needs, while denying my own. I owe it to myself and to my kids - and to him, to show him I have more value than to continue to put myself in such a situation.
> 
> Please pray for him, and me for the strength and faith to take care of myself and do what is right for all of us, even if it means divorcing.


I am not entirely sure what has happened here... like 'valuable to him' has replied in my thread with a thread of her own... but it sounds like we are/were married to exactly the same man! I now believe my husband has a personality disorder too, maybe shades of a couple, but borderline personality disorder fits well too. I am talking to someone who is a male and whose wife is the same and we agree that we both feel, tricked, trapped and sad. This was not the man I married, in fact a total metamorphis has taken place, particularly since I have put my house up as security for our new business. Perhaps he feels safe enough now to be the real 'no frills' version of himself as he has got much worse since we got the restaurant. Last night I saw a glimpse of the old version that I married... but I truly believe this is only because I have given the marriage a month, with counselling, for him to come up with a change of heart that will give me hope that the marriage is worth saving. He reads novel after novel and I asked him to read a book two weeks ago and this morning he picked it up and read the back cover... perused it and put a book mark in chapter 1. Then he went back to what he does most of the time which is his internet marketing hobby on his laptop. I am seriously starting to recognise the grim fact that if this man truly wanted to or was capable of change, he would have started by now :-/


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## way2patient

Hi.
Forgive me as I am very new to this but I too need to reach out as I find myslef in the same situation. 
For nearly 2 years now, all has been what seemed to be "well" between my new husband and son from a previous marriage. He is unusually loud, outspoken and antagonistic now with regards to come changes that are occuring with my 9 year son.

My Son recently wet the bed and the next night he threw up in bed. My husband completely over-reacted and ignored my request to let me handle it. He was sooo upset that his sleep was interrupted that he nearly errupted himself. It honestly scared me and I'm sure my son felt the same way. It was a rough weekend with him home but it all worked out.

My son was home again just this past weekend and my husband started with the negative and antagonistic comments as soon as we got home. Again, I asked him to stop given that my son had done nothing wrong, but he just couldn't help himself. The whole weekend there were no issues at bedtime but of course my husband kept it up. He even chose to stay home instead of coming out with us so he could have an hour and a half nap instead. I felt very hurt and like I was being put in the middle. Even after making love, he began with it again as we are trying to go to sleep. I am deeply disturbed so much so that I fear going home and even talking to him because of the tremendous amount of stress Im experiencing from this. 

I won't choose between them but I won't allow this to happen to my son. To be honest, Im afraid. To lose him and/or my son. I love them both dearly and outside of this incident my husband if very loving, kind and considerate. We are a team at everything and he does treat me well (much more than I can say for my previous marriage where he was very abusive). My son I nkow if going through changes but how do I make my husband understand and work through it with me without these adverse reations that are clearly wayyy over board. He says he loves my little boy very much yet when he's around my husband acts hateful and to me comes across more of a bully. 

Thanks,
Way2Patient


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