# Need some advice!!!



## Brian594 (Jul 7, 2017)

Okay like many stories on here mine is similar in a lot ways and of course different.

Right now I am in the process of trying to commit to 180. We are currently on a break (ei she is having an affair). No super solid proof but, her phone has spent the night somewhere else every night since I left. We have three kids 14, 8, 3 and they are all with me at the grandparents 4 hours away. I have recognized what I need to change and have been double time changing those things (better job, fitness). The first part of this episode was me doing like a lot of guys I see on here do and just basically making myself look pathetic trying to fix it, then I found 180.

I don't think 180 is working so well with me being so far away. It was good for the kids and it did give me a breather to get my crap together. Not sure if I should go back and make the affair more difficult for her or continue for the entire week I said I was going to be gone.

Also she is telling me that she wants me out lol. I am under the impression she can't kick me out for no reason, correct? I have already talked about it with our lease owners and they said they won't change anything till we work it out. She did try and get them to change it for her as if I was okay with it.

We only have 1 car right now and it actually belongs to my parents. So another question I have is how do I handle that. My parents don't want her to use it at all, which I understand.

I had a business which is where a lot of our conflicts came from, it just didn't work. So now I am looking for a new job so that should solve that problem. I also receive a pension from the military so right now I am the sole bill payer (if just barely). I know she has lost respect for me and I know this person she is being is not her. I really want to make it work, I really need to know WHAT MY NEXT STEPS SHOULD BE to help that happen.

I have gotten some great advice reading through other posts on here so I hope you guys can help me with some of these specifics. Sorry if it seemed all over the place just so many emotions right now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Brian594 said:


> Okay like many stories on here mine is similar in a lot ways and of course different.
> 
> Right now I am in the process of trying to commit to 180. We are currently on a break (ei she is having an affair). No super solid proof but, her phone has spent the night somewhere else every night since I left. We have three kids 14, 8, 3 and they are all with me at the grandparents 4 hours away. I have recognized what I need to change and have been double time changing those things (better job, fitness). The first part of this episode was me doing like a lot of guys I see on here do and just basically making myself look pathetic trying to fix it, then I found 180.
> 
> ...


If you wish to try and save this trying to fix yourself while she's having an affair doesn't work to well. Is the OM married? If so you need to do some exposure. 

You're details are kids vague. It would help if you had more of a backstory as to how you got where you are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have some questions here. How long have you and your wife been married? 

When was the last time your wife held a job? Does she have any kind of college degree or trade school training?



Brian594 said:


> Right now I am in the process of trying to commit to 180. We are currently on a break (ei she is having an affair).


From what you have said, you suspect an affair but are not sure that there actually is an affair. So, what are the reasons for you being on a break? What does being on a break mean? It sounds like you are living in the same house still.



Brian594 said:


> No super solid proof but, her phone has spent the night somewhere else every night since I left.


Has she sent the night at the same place every night that you have been gone? Or is she staying at different places? Do you know what and/or who is at the gps location she is staying at?



Brian594 said:


> We have three kids 14, 8, 3 and they are all with me at the grandparents 4 hours away. I have recognized what I need to change and have been double time changing those things (better job, fitness). The first part of this episode was me doing like a lot of guys I see on here do and just basically making myself look pathetic trying to fix it, then I found 180.


What is your goal for doing the 180? What do you think it will accomplish?


Brian594 said:


> I don't think 180 is working so well with me being so far away. It was good for the kids and it did give me a breather to get my crap together. Not sure if I should go back and make the affair more difficult for her or continue for the entire week I said I was going to be gone.


Are you saying here that you are thinking of bringing the kids home early? Do you know anyone who you trusts who could follow her, or go to the gps location to verify the affair?


Brian594 said:


> Also she is telling me that she wants me out lol. I am under the impression she can't kick me out for no reason, correct? I have already talked about it with our lease owners and they said they won't change anything till we work it out. She did try and get them to change it for her as if I was okay with it.


She cannot kick you out of the marital home. Even if you were not on the lease, she cannot kick you out. It is the martial residence. It is also the residence of your children. You can offer to her that if she wants to, she is welcome to leave. Of course, you will not agree to her taking the children with her.



Brian594 said:


> We only have 1 car right now and it actually belongs to my parents. So another question I have is how do I handle that. My parents don't want her to use it at all, which I understand.


What sort of things does your wife use the car for? Maybe she can get a job and then buy herself a car.

It’s your parent’s car. You do not have to let her use it. Who usually takes the children to school, doc appointments, etc?


Brian594 said:


> I had a business which is where a lot of our conflicts came from, it just didn't work. So now I am looking for a new job so that should solve that problem. I also receive a pension from the military so right now I am the sole bill payer (if just barely). I know she has lost respect for me and I know this person she is being is not her. I really want to make it work, I really need to know WHAT MY NEXT STEPS SHOULD BE to help that happen.


So she does not have a job. I guess it’s time for her to get one. Have you told her that yet?




Brian594 said:


> I have gotten some great advice reading through other posts on here so I hope you guys can help me with some of these specifics. Sorry if it seemed all over the place just so many emotions right now.


Get the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. It has a good plan to follow.

Have you seen a lawyer about your rights in a divorce.

For example, were you married to her when you were still in the military? Can she make a legitimate claim to any of your military retirement?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long is this visit you are on?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Get the car back. Letting her use it is disrespectful of your parents and apparently they have expressed they don't like this. You have a key for it? Get your parents to drive you to where she is and take the car back. I wouldn't even ask. Just turn the engine over and drive off. 

You have a military pension. She may be entitled to 50% of that if y'all have been married longer than 10 years and depending on your state. Get a lawyer, tell them everything and have her served with divorce papers. See if you can keep her away from your pension and divorce her. Also, don't give her money. If she has access to the bank account where your pension is being deposited, get a new account and have it deposited there. 

She wants you out of a leased home, maybe you should let her have it. And the bills that go with it. Ask a lawyer about that since y'all have children. 

You can't make it work. The best thing you can do for yourself and the potential of any future with this woman is to cut her loose and file for divorce. You said it yourself that she has lost respect for you. If you try to navigate around her contempt for you and attempt to be the nice guy, you will get screwed.

I'm just guessing here… But it sounds to me like you are currently living off your parents/grandparents in another town. You are still paying the bills at home that you don't live at, but don't own. She is driving around in a car that doesn't belong to her. It sounds like you are letting her eat a rather large piece of cake at your expense and at the expensive of your family. Stop that. It sounds like y'all don't have that many assets, besides your military pension. A lot of the times the assets would pay for the lawyers. Equity in the home is a prime target, cause the lawyers can get paid quick after the resale. It seems you have no equity in a home. If she doesn't have any income besides your military pension, you should cut that off before she uses it to cut you off at the legs. If she is having an affair, there is nothing you can do short of exposing it and that's probably not enough. I'm gonna tell you right now it sounds like she is having an affair. If she is caught up in the affair fog, strike now before she gains her senses. She may settle for very little if she thinks this new guy is going to save her. However, this may send her a wake up call that she needs. I wouldn't count on it, but taking a firm stance and not letting her use you and your family anymore should be your priority one. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Since the car is in your parents name, if you cannot successfully get it back, then it may be contingent on them to legally repossess the vehicle!

Having said that, you need to stay strong in continuing "the 180!" Foremostly, you need to get into a good piranha family attorney's office to be appraised of both your property and custodial rights!

It greatly appears that you've already been delegated to "Plan B" status, as she's already found her new "Plan A!" 

She offers neither you nor your kids anything! Get her out of your life post haste!*


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

If you have a strong reason to suspect her having an affair, DO NOT share it with her. Your intentions may have the best intentions. I completely get it. In my mind, sitting down with my wife discussing my suspicions was the best thing to do. It was an open line of communication and since I was "paranoid" (according to her), I felt that by doing this, I was acknowledging my faults and discussing things instead of keeping them bottled up.
I was wrong. I just showed her my hand which she promptly corrected. 
Stick to the 180. But if you find yourself discussing things, do not discuss anything affair related until you have solid evidence. You have to start changing how you look at her NOW. Do not assume she will or can be reasonable or even logical. She cant or wont be. Do not assume she cares. Do not assume her family is her priority. Do not assume she is your friend. Friends dont do this.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

She's having an exit affair. She's gone. Let her go and make her life miserable. And how the hell did you end up with a 3 year old... get a vasectomy! No more kids! 

Time to get pissed and mad. Again, make her life MISERABLE! Cut her off on everything. She isn't your wife anymore. She's gone and replaced with someone you don't want. You'll find another girl soon that won't cheat on you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Let her go. Stop blaming yourself for her being a cheating POS.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Couple of questions, if she wants you out, then how are to survive if you are barely getting by on you army pension?, i assume you would be commuting the house 4 hours from your home to stay at if you leave? You mention her phone is always away from your home at night, is it always in the same place or do you not know?

180 is fantastic but really it must be looked at on an individual basis, plenty on 180 will apply to you but some might cause you more problems than you need right now.

I am fairly new to this so please excuse me if i tread on your toes a bit, it seems to me that you are in control as your kids will need a breadwinner to support them at this time, the lease holder has done you a favor by keeping you in the home and i can't see her being able to force you out, you have done nothing wrong here.

f your wife is having an affair you must not let her bully you, make her fess up and tell you where you stand.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Brian594 said:


> Okay like many stories on here mine is similar in a lot ways and of course different.
> 
> Right now I am in the process of trying to commit to 180. We are currently on a break (ei she is having an affair). No super solid proof but, her phone has spent the night somewhere else every night since I left. We have three kids 14, 8, 3 and they are all with me at the grandparents 4 hours away. I have recognized what I need to change and have been double time changing those things (better job, fitness). The first part of this episode was me doing like a lot of guys I see on here do and just basically making myself look pathetic trying to fix it, then I found 180.
> 
> ...


When you say that her phone has spent the night somewhere else every night since you left, can I assume you have a way to track the phone? If so do you have the locations of where the phone has been? Also, if you're at your parents house I take it no one is staying at your apartment but I would assume that she is there at some point. Set up some recorders in the house and some hidden cameras so you can see if anything's going on. Log into your cellphone account, if her phone is also on it, and log at the call and text logs to see who she's communicating with. If she's the one using the car, put a gps tracker on it and a recorder inside the car.

As far as the 180 goes, I did it myself and it has made a big difference in things, but I don't think it's effective if you're living separately. She needs to see you doing the 180 in order for it to help a relationship. Granted that even living separately the 180 is still good for you mentally. The main purpose of the 180 is really for yourself and not for her. You need to become you again and if she doesn't like that, then she wasn't worth your time and it's over anyway. The only way the 180 can actually help a relationship is if she sees you changing back into you and being your own person again. If she realizes that the "new you" is the person she fell in love with then you'll start to see a change in her. Either way you're doing the right thing for you.

Being that you have kids the 180 isn't that easy because you still need to interact with her over matters involving the kids and you need to be nice to her in front of the kids almost like there's nothing wrong. One important thing that I realized was that you need to find ways to put her in her place so to speak without being confrontational or seeming like a prick. My wife used to love to just bring up things I did wrong or things I did in the past as a way to piss me off. She would do things she knew bothered me just to get a rise out of me. You need to learn to ignore that and move on almost in an instant. If she says something to push your buttons, immediately change the topic to something positive about the kids, anything that doesn't involve you or her. If she does something to intentionally bother you, tell her straight out but nicely that it bothers you and then again change topics to something completely off topic of you or her. You need to subtly let her know you're not going to take her crap and at the same time you're not going to let her crap get to you or bother you. You can go home at night and beat the hell out of your pillow at night if you want, but you cannot let her see that she's getting the best of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AtMyEnd said:


> As far as the 180 goes, I did it myself and it has made a big difference in things, but I don't think it's effective if you're living separately. She needs to see you doing the 180 in order for it to help a relationship. Granted that even living separately the 180 is still good for you mentally. The main purpose of the 180 is really for yourself and not for her. You need to become you again and if she doesn't like that, then she wasn't worth your time and it's over anyway. The only way the 180 can actually help a relationship is if she sees you changing back into you and being your own person again. If she realizes that the "new you" is the person she fell in love with then you'll start to see a change in her. Either way you're doing the right thing for you.


I think that the 180 can still be effective if he is not living with her. The purpose of the 180 is 


1) for the BS to protect himself emotionally until either she ends the affair (if there is an affair) and decides agrees to no contact with AP and to work on the marriage

or 2) the BS gets to the point that he does not care to reconcile at which time he files for divorce.​
The 180's purpose is NOT to show her that he is changing. 

The 180 will work find when he's not staying with her. He does the 180 whenever there is any contact between them. He only responds to the business of raising children and any business related to running the household.

If she brings up anything emotional, wants to discuss the marriage, etc. he politely exists the conversation.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> Couple of questions, if she wants you out, then how are to survive if you are barely getting by on you army pension?, i assume you would be commuting the house 4 hours from your home to stay at if you leave? You mention her phone is always away from your home at night, is it always in the same place or do you not know?
> 
> 180 is fantastic but really it must be looked at on an individual basis, plenty on 180 will apply to you but some might cause you more problems than you need right now.
> 
> ...


Well the key here is to not only not let her bully him, but he also can't bully her. He can't make her fess up to anything, if he's lucky over time it will all come out anyway. I know for my situation, the more I tried to push the further away she withdrew. If he really wants to try and work things out with her he needs to let them work themselves out. If she is having an affair she already has her exit plan, if he wants things to work he needs to do things in such a way that she comes back to him.

He needs to get him and the kids back in their home. If she doesn't want to stay there that her issue, not his, but he can't let her see that it bothers him. If she says she won't stay there because he's there, he should tell her that's fine but at least let me know where you'll be staying in case there's an emergency. If she's staying somewhere else then he cannot make contact with her unless it's an emergency or something about the kids, no asking how she's doing or anything like that. He needs to let her initiate any small talk.

I've been there and done it. Not only has it just overall helped me find myself again but it has brought her back. Things are still a work in progress but it's nothing like it used to be.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the 180 can still be effective if he is not living with her. The purpose of the 180 is
> 
> 
> 1) for the BS to protect himself emotionally until either she ends the affair (if there is an affair) and decides agrees to no contact with AP and to work on the marriage
> ...


I totally agree that it will work or help regardless of whether they're living together or not. The 180 is more for him than for their marriage. But if it is going to help the relationship I do think it's more effective if they're living together


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the 180 can still be effective if he is not living with her. The purpose of the 180 is
> 
> 
> 1) for the BS to protect himself emotionally until either she ends the affair (if there is an affair) and decides agrees to no contact with AP and to work on the marriage
> ...


And Ele, thank you. I don't want to hijack the thread, but you and other have said thing to me over the past 6 months that may have taken a little while to sink in, but it's all really helped with things, so thank you


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I feel that she is already bullying him and he needs to stand his ground, "fess up" does seem a bit strong and i apologise for this loose choice of words, but reality is he is suffering more than her because of her actions, but maybe a softer approach is needed here, if she is responsive to his needs and they all can live under the same roof at home, then maybe she will be able to offer an explanation as to her actions, maybe end the affair, a lot of maybe's.

Love and peace always

KevinZX


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> I feel that she is already bullying him and he needs to stand his ground, "fess up" does seem a bit strong and i apologise for this loose choice of words, but reality is he is suffering more than her because of her actions, but maybe a softer approach is needed here, if she is responsive to his needs and they all can live under the same roof at home, then maybe she will be able to offer an explanation as to her actions, maybe end the affair, a lot of maybe's.
> 
> Love and peace always
> 
> KevinZX


I agree, but he needs to show her or let her see that none of her actions are bothering him, even if they are. If she is cheating, she's going to cheat no matter what he says or does. He needs to get himself to a place in his head where no matter what happens, fix things or divorce, that he's good with either direction. I was a mess for a while but once I hit the point of not caring which way things went, my life totally changed. I still don't know all the answers or if my wife ever had more than just an emotional affair but none of that really matters to me anymore. I've seen her behavior, caught her in lies, and have even seen some of the same happen after confronting her and blowing things up. The important thing for me now is that I have become me again, my relationship has gotten better, but at the same time I know that if I see anything like what caused our problems again that I'm fine with walking away from it, and her. There's always going to be what if's and maybe's, even in the strongest relationships. The important thing is knowing that however things end up that you'll be able to move on.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

If she is having an affair she is gone emotionally and anything you do will not be seen by her. Going back and trying will be a waste of your time and be more frustrating for you to try to put up with.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

We need Brian to respond to some of this before we can really "know" anything.

I hate guessing.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Brian594 said:


> Okay like many stories on here mine is similar in a lot ways and of course different.
> 
> Right now I am in the process of trying to commit to 180. We are currently on a break (ei she is having an affair). No super solid proof but, her phone has spent the night somewhere else every night since I left. We have three kids 14, 8, 3 and they are all with me at the grandparents 4 hours away. I have recognized what I need to change and have been double time changing those things (better job, fitness). The first part of this episode was me doing like a lot of guys I see on here do and just basically making myself look pathetic trying to fix it, then I found 180.
> 
> ...


Sorry this is happening, it sucks I know. 

1) You have the kids so where is the best place for them? Do they need to go back to their home or do you want to stay with your parents for extra support until you find a job? Providing stability and peace for the kids needs to be your top priority. It sounds like you are leasing the home so it isn't an asset unless your kids would do better there. 

2). When someone shows you their true character, believe them! When someone tells you what they value, believe them! Don't assume she thinks like you do. If she says she wants you out, believe her. If she refuses to tell you where she goes every night, believe she has something to hide. 

3) Make sure you are sleeping before you start to make important decisions. Take care of yourself and your kids. She is a big girl and is making her choices. Stop worrying about her and her needs.


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