# Scared and Confused



## USAFGuru (Apr 26, 2015)

Hello,
My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years and together for 13. We have three kids together (10, 3, and 2). I am a retired Military member with 17 years of service including 11 deployments to the Middle East.

I will admit I have not been the best husband in our marriage. I have lied a lot, said things to other females husbands should not say, been flirtatious to other girls and list goes on. I have never cheated though. My wife is not affectionate anymore and we have not had sex in almost 3 years. And even though we fought we still had more kids. I have issues like my wife likes to get dressed up for her friends and not me, we never do anything just the two of us, etc. Plus I am told by my wife that when I wen t away to serve my country I got to be away from the kids, so when I get home and want to make up for lost time, my wife needs to take a trip to see family.

We had a domestic dispute a couple of years ago infant of my kids where I left before it got ugly and physical. The military put a no-contact order on me and told us we had to go to counseling (normal procedures). We started counseling and then three appointments I got deployed again. Since I have been home, its has been nothing but fighting. Since I have retired it has been worse. She just came back from being home (overseas) and wants a divorce and to leave with my kids.

I am choosing to go to counseling to get my issues caused by the military addressed (PTSD, anxiety, depression) and also get marriage counseling. I am afraid that the stuff in my past will come back to hurt me and my wife will be able to leave with my kids.

I don't want a divorce. I want to try counseling but my wife says "nothing I say or do will change her mind".

Does anybody have ideas on what I should do?

Thanks everyone!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

11 deployments to the middle east. Does that mean that you were away from your wife 11 of the 12 years you were married?



> I have lied a lot,


Can you give us some examples of the things you lied about, especially the worst ones?



> said things to other females husbands should not say, been flirtatious to other girls and list goes on. I have never cheated though.


Since you mentioned this, I assume that you wife is aware of your flirting with other women. What was the longest friendship you had with some of these women?

Talk to a lawyer about your rights. You can stop your wife from taking your children out of country, even out of the city/state where you now live. You might need to file for divorce and put a custody plan in place to prevent her from leaving the country with your children.

The first thing you need to do it to work on yourself. As you work to improve yourself, you can also do marriage counseling if your wife will join you. 

Besides your lying and flirting with other women, you were also apparently absent through most of your marriage. In this kind of situation its very hard to keep a marriage together. The bond created by being together is lost. It's a biological thing that has to do with brain chemistry. The bond can be rebuilt but it take effort. You can start this effort unilaterally. and perhaps she will join you eventually.

My suggestion is that you start by reading the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". 

The books talk about a "love bank". Do an internet search on the word "oxytocin" and read about it. This is what the love bank idea is talking about. Oxytocin is the hormone that creates that in-love feeling and emotional bond. That is gone in your wife right now. Doing what those books say to do will rebuild that connection.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

USAFGuru said:


> I don't want a divorce. I want to try counseling but my wife says "nothing I say or do will change her mind".


Yes. Listen to her and believe her.

And ignore all of the advice people are gong to give you about spying to find the other man.

And read all of the other posts here about walk-away-wives. There are THOUSANDS.


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## USAFGuru (Apr 26, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Yes. Listen to her and believe her.
> 
> And ignore all of the advice people are gong to give you about spying to find the other man.
> 
> And read all of the other posts here about walk-away-wives. There are THOUSANDS.


So you think I should let her walk away with my kids to another country?!? Please explain?


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## USAFGuru (Apr 26, 2015)

Some examples of my lying are you know saying I was down at the park with my kids and my phone was on silent when I was actually at home when she called and just didn't feel like talking, Being told to stop talking to other friends and I made a fake Facebook account and email so I could still, buying something on my iPhone and saying the kids got ahold of my phone and they did it. This list goes on and on.

I have been on lots deployments. They were mainly 6 month deployments so really I have been gone half my marriage serving my country. I get very depressed when I am gone and I try to talk to my wife almost everyday. She has called me needy a lot and usually said she didn't feel like talking. The talking helped with my PTSD and anxiety issues and even the doctor said that.

I want to do anything possible to save my marriage. I can't imagine, I DON't want to imagine life without my family. I take pride in my family and I know my actions don't show it, but I am much happier when I am around them.

I just don't know how to get my wife to come around and not leave. She currently is sleeping on the couch and won't even really talk to me. 

Thanks for everyone's advice so far!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

USAFGuru said:


> So you think I should let her walk away with my kids to another country?!? Please explain?


No, that is not what he is saying. He is saying to not get too sucked in when posters tell you that she is probably cheating and they tell you to start spying on her and going nuts accusing her of cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

USAFGuru said:


> Some examples of my lying are you know saying I was down at the park with my kids and my phone was on silent when I was actually at home when she called and just didn't feel like talking, Being told to stop talking to other friends and I made a fake Facebook account and email so I could still, buying something on my iPhone and saying the kids got ahold of my phone and they did it. This list goes on and on.


So you lie mostly about little things that you could easily tell the truth about. Are you in counseling? If not you need to get in counseling to figure out why you do this. She most likely feels that there is little use talking to you since she has no idea when you are telling the truth or telling a lie.



USAFGuru said:


> Being told to stop talking to other friends and I made a fake Facebook account and email so I could still,


Who are these friends she told you to stop talking to? Are they men or women? 

Why did she not want you to talk to them?


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## USAFGuru (Apr 26, 2015)

I see you in New Mexico. I used to be stationed there for 5 years.

Anyways, I am going to start counseling this week. She says though based on my track record and the empty promises from before, nothing will change and she wants to leave. I can understand her reasoning but I think it is very drastic to take my kids away and to another country. Things got very ugly today, based on the advice of a lawyer. 

These people were women. People I have known most of my life, went to school with, had a fling with when I was young and stupid, women I could talk about anything with. Mots of them it was because she thought I was flirting with them. Others was because I have known them for so long, they are like my best friend and they would tell me they loved me and missed me. They all knew I was serving my country and that I was married. 

Today she starting throwing clothes and stuff away, donating other stuff to different charities, and things were very tough going tonight.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Honestly, I think you are leaving a lot of stuff out of this story. Mainly, what your fault in it is. You really seem resistant to taking any responsibility. 

Regardless of all that from your personal life, I thank you for your service to our country.


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## USAFGuru (Apr 26, 2015)

Well lets see, Um when my wife was pregnant with my first daughter I was friends with a cop and my wife thought I was cheating on her while she was having our daughter. Then I had an old friend who I have known for 20 years say she loved me on Facebook and my wife saw it and got mad. I used to hang out with a bunch of friends at one of my assignments and they went to the enlisted club a lot. I used to go with them every so often and have a drink or two. She used to get mad at me because there was a couple of girls we hung out with and one of them used to txt me and say odd things. I texted back and got in trouble. During my deployments I would be very depressed and couldn't talk to my wife all the time, we always ran out of things to say, so I turned to Facebook and got in trouble for saying inappropriate things to old friends. Then I got told to not talk to them anymore so I made a fake FB profile and email to talk with them anyways. During that time we tried to have another baby and lost it due to complications, but my wife thought I was cheating on her. Then we tried again and had a boy. I was home for 5 months and then got an assignment to the Middle East and missed the birth of my baby boy. I was introduced to a group of friends I hung out with because it got my mind off being depressed I was gone again. Before I came home at the end I went to a party and had a couple of drinks. I didn't want to drink and drive so I stayed at the persons house which was female. I woke up with no clothes on and I can't say yes or no that anything happened. I then came home and he had a domestic dispute in front of my kids and I left with pants and shoes. I stayed in a hotel for a week and we did counseling. Right after we started, I got deployed yet again. We decided to have another baby and got a boy. I have not had sex in almost 3 years. My wife get dressed up for her friends but never me. I sent her home for a week and while she was gone I got a speeding ticket. One night she texted me and I really didn't feel like talking to her and arguing so I ignored her. She called the house, my cell, my work cell. I finally replied and told her I was at the park with my kids and phone was on silent. I also purchased a thing for a game I play on my phone and lied about it.

I hope this covers everything you are looking for. And you are welcome, it was my pleasure to service my country.

Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

USAFGuru said:


> I see you in New Mexico. I used to be stationed there for 5 years.
> 
> Anyways, I am going to start counseling this week. She says though based on my track record and the empty promises from before, nothing will change and she wants to leave. I can understand her reasoning but *I think it is very drastic to take my kids away and to another country. *


Why are you saying this when you have every legal right to prevent her from taking your kids out of country? Why not just see a lawyer and get an order in place ASAP for this. If you find a good lawyer they can have it in place in one or two days.



USAFGuru said:


> Things got very ugly today, based on the advice of a lawyer.


What advice from what lawyers? Who talked a lawyer? You or her or both



USAFGuru said:


> These people were women. People I have known most of my life, went to school with, had a fling with when I was young and stupid, women I could talk about anything with. Mots of them it was because she thought I was flirting with them. Others was because I have known them for so long, they are like my best friend and they would tell me they loved me and missed me. They all knew I was serving my country and that I was married. .


Few people, men or women, would accept their spouse having these types of relationship. And then you go and take them to the secret level.

Would you be ok with your wife having relationships with many men to include ex lovers?


USAFGuru said:


> Today she starting throwing clothes and stuff away, donating other stuff to different charities, and things were very tough going tonight.


You need to see a lawyer.


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## USAFGuru (Apr 26, 2015)

I talked to a lawyer today and got some advice. I am not sure if she talked to one yet or not. The have said the same thing you have about the custody. They also told me to protect myself and my money. So I did. 

I am not saying I was right, in fact I know I was very wrong. I accept responsibility for my actions. No, I would not be ok with it. I know she has not done anything like I have, but she is very secretive on FB and is ALWAYS on her phone. Either FB, reading the news, chatting with people, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good, I'm glad that you saw a lawyer. I hope you are going to follow through very soon (like this week) to do what you have to do to prevent her from taking the children out of country.

When I divorced my son's father I was afraid that he would run off with our son to his family's country. He had obtained a passport without telling me. So my lawyer brought that up and my ex had to give the passport to his attorney for safekeeping so that he could not leave the country with our son.

You need to act fast because if she leaves the country with them before you have something set up, it's a lot harder to get them back here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are you doing for yourself? Turn your focus on yourself and your children.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If there are no third parties in the M, I suggest trying this: Marriage Help Program For Couples

What country is your W from?


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## USAFGuru (Apr 26, 2015)

My wife is from Australia. We have been talking about some things the past couple of days. First, my daughter wants to stay with me here if mom leaves. She doesn't want to move again for awhile. Second, I think we both agree we need time apart to let hints settle down and we heal, become friends again, and rediscover each other. I told her if she goes that after a year we can see where we are and if we should stay together or not. So she has gone from wanting a divorce now to seeming shere we are In a year. 

We did agree that something should be put on paper saying that if certain things are not achieved by either of us, what the consequences would be. It's actually has been a good 2 days.

As far as what have I done for myself. I went and spoke with a counselor/therapist with the VA and explained everything I have done. I explained my PTSD, anxiety, depression, anger issues, etc. she asked me what I want to work on first. I said the lying and secret keeping, and my anger. She said a lot of the issues I am having is due to my PTSD from all the crazy stuff I have seen in my military career.

I hope she can help me.


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