# Time to Seek Support and Advice



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Hello .. I have been stalking this board for a couple of months ago and getting great advice and shed a lot of tears with you. Tonight, I realized that it was time for me to share my story and like others it will be long and I hope to get my butt kicked in the right direction and the support I need to finally put one foot in front of the other and move on! Thank-you for reading it and thank-you for being here and sharing your experiences to help us all know that we aren't alone.

Here is my story:

My STBXH and I have been together for 12 years and married almost 10 years. We have two kids and have had our share of ups and downs but we loved each other and always made it work. We married young at the age of 23 but waited 5 years to have kids.

This was my entry when everything first went down after I found out about an EA so I am going to copy and paste to make it easier...

_I basically have found out that J has been having a relationship with another woman for at least 6 months. I found out and confronted him after getting all the information that I could get and he only then admitted to it. We have been having problems since around May. We started counseling in Oct and I really thought that it was improving. I was really trying to open up to him and face issues in my past to help open up to being more with him.

I started noticing weird things like him sleeping with his phone, staying out later and just him being overall weird. It never crossed my mind that he was actually doing anything with anyone else. But I found out, by mistake, that he was looking at apartments. Then he started deleting all of his history and then this past Monday he was searching for how to leave your wife. 

I started to get a feeling that something just wasn't right b/c I was trying and he kept telling me that I wasn't trying hard enough. So, I started looking into his cell phone records since I am the account owner of the cell phone account and saw a number that he wasn't calling often but there were tons of texts. Our carrier only keeps texts on file for 90 days and I started looking through them. I found out that this number belongs to another married woman who has two kids as well. She was on his face book, commenting on his pictures and updates and liking everything he was saying and pics of him and the kids, ect. 

I then sat down and went through exactly how many texts there were once I found out it was a married woman. There were days where they didn't text at all and then days that they would text over 100 times. I was so scared to confront him b/c I didn't want to know the truth. But I did sit him down on Sat and told him that he had one chance to tell me the whole truth.

Hr broke down and told me what I thought was everything. He said that he had been having 'fun' with her and the texts were sexual conversations but it never went beyond that. I called bullcrap and told him that I didn't beleive him. I also told him that I am not sure that I can be married to a man that has decided to have an emotional affair with another woman, even if nothing physical happen.

To make this long story, shorter ... we are now 3 days later and I found out that they did meet out once and kissed but he keeps saying nothing else happen. I have asked him to leave and he is moving into a friends apartment that is above his garage. The friend is a millionaire and the apartment is already furnished and his friend isn't going to charge him anything. 

We went to a counseling session today and he is still blaming me b/c my actions have led him to look for what was missing, for him, in our marriage. He tells me he didn't love her and that it wasn't a relationship. He will not take accountability that what he did was wrong .. 

I am lost and confused and hurt. I am angry .. oh so angry. I would never contact this woman or her husband as it isn't my place to ruin her life. But he keeps begging me not to tell her husband or ruin her life. 

I just want to move on but I don't know how to move forward and I just don't know how to get through this? I never thought that he would do this. I was always the one thinking that I picked a man that would put me before anyone else and never stray, no matter how bad things might get. _

So now, fast forward to 7 months later and our marriage is over. He stayed in that apt for free until June 1st. We tried to work on it during the months leading up to him getting his own apartment and he would push me so hard to forgive him and beg and plead but never took the time to actually tell me the truth at the time I confronted him. I then would have other lies come out from Nov until around March. I found out that him and this other woman actually had been talking for almost 2 years but they both claim no PA .. which I will never know the truth on. I found condoms at his apartment when he was living with his friend when I went to set up a surprise for him for his BD and he lied to me about those and I have been on BC since our son was born and we haven't used condoms for the past 5 years so he had no reason to have them there. He would just constantly set himself up to get caught with more lies and then manipulate me into thinking it was my fault. So I wouldn't allow him to move back in until we continued counseling and found the root of our problems but I never gave up on him b/c I love him and thought we could work this out. 

In May, I went on a cruise and we had talked before I went (this cruise was with his sister and was planned before we separated or else I would never have gone on it). I talked to him and told him that when I got home we would move him back in b/c his biggest fight with me was that he wanted to be in the house to work things out. He wanted to move back in while I was on the cruise but I told him to wait until I get back. While I was on the cruise, he moved the rest of the stuff out and I came home to a lot gone. He signed a lease and moved out saying that we were never going to be able to make it back to being happy and he was done trying.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I felt like I had been slapped in the face after I chose to forgive him and work on our marriage and he gave me less time to forgive and work through our problems than he gave his EA.

It has been since May and I feel like I haven't moved forward at all. I don't really reach out to him much but he knows I am hurting and he knows that he has destroyed me. And when we have to sit down and talk, I always end up crying b/c I am always so angry. I am trying to let go of the anger and forgive him and myself and move on. 

We don't talk much but when we do I think that he is using the 180 thing b/c it explains the best way of how he has been acting but I am not sure .. he has mentioned a few times that he just had to do a 180. So, I am not sure if he is trying to do that or not? We fight about child support the most b/c he won't agree to an amount and we are really trying to keep lawyers out of this but I am not so sure that will be able to work or not. He wants to rebuild his life and tells me that he won't pay me but a certain amount and it is way below what our state guidelines are. And to top that off, he makes cash tips that he doesn't report and doesn't claim and I can't include as part of his income. It is all a mess. I have seen two lawyers and will be trying one more b/c at this point, he keeps threatening me that he will make me sell the house ... a house that I can afford. He is using buttons to push me b/c he wants me to feel so sorry for him and he knows how to work me. But I have to watch out for myself and my kids.

I don't know how to start the NC rule. Because we have the kids to share between us, I don't know how to not engage in anything with him b/c he will ask me how my day was and how were the kids, ect. It is frustrating and I just want to move on with my life and be done with him.

My emotions are all over the place and I am just trying to survive at this point. I stay busy and I work 6 days a week right now but I work from home and have always been part-time but I have to pick up hours when avail to be able to get up to full-time work to make ends meet. 

I am rambling now but I just wanted to give my background and really hope to get some advice and feedback on what has worked with them and what has not worked ... thanks so much! I really appreciate this board and there has been so much that Ihave learned from this site so I am excited to join! Thanks for reading my book too, lol!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Does anyone have any advice on this or where my next step should be? I am feeling so lost and confused and was really looking forward to hearing some advice from everyone that has been through this. Some days are better than others but I am having a rough time lately getting in not calling him or initiating contact with him. I need to stay strong but I feel so weak. I hate this feeling!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Get tougher. Do not accept less than state guidelines for child support. Go to court if you have too. You have got doormat tendencies. Lose them. 

Is the EA with OW still alive. Tell OW's husband immediately. Show him your evidence. He deserves to know.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Give defiant people what they want

it never turns out as they had planned

you can lead a horse to water

can't make em drink

you are his plan B

change his plans


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

No, the EA isn't still going on with the OW and she has already told her husband and they are in counseling. And you are right, I need to go to a lawyer but he is holding the house over top of me and telling me that he won't give me the time to refinance it into my name ... along with my truck. Both of these are in my name and his name and I don't know what his rights are. And yes, I do have doormat tendicies and I hate that b/c I want what is best for my kids and although he is a great father, he seems to be using the kids to get to me like scaring me into possibly having to sell the house or my truck. I know it wouldn't be in the end of the world if I lost the house, but it is the only home my kids know and I can afford to keep it so why go through all of that to have to go to a smaller place that will cost more? I just don't know what to do and am so tired of all this. I really appreciate your feedback GutPunch


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> No, the EA isn't still going on with the OW and she has already told her husband and they are in counseling. And you are right, I need to go to a lawyer but he is holding the house over top of me and telling me that he won't give me the time to refinance it into my name ... along with my truck. Both of these are in my name and his name and I don't know what his rights are. And yes, I do have doormat tendicies and I hate that b/c I want what is best for my kids and although he is a great father, he seems to be using the kids to get to me like scaring me into possibly having to sell the house or my truck. I know it wouldn't be in the end of the world if I lost the house, but it is the only home my kids know and I can afford to keep it so why go through all of that to have to go to a smaller place that will cost more? I just don't know what to do and am so tired of all this. I really appreciate your feedback GutPunch



You want what's best for your kids.....then show them how a strong woman responds to adversity. Don't show them a doormat.


See a Lawyer. They will get you the time you need to refinance. No judge likes to see children put on the street. If you lose the house or truck, at least you didn't cave to being bullied.


BTW...A good father would never use his kids as pawns to retaliate against their mother.

Get tough.


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

going to a lawyer for a consultation means you are more informed. if you keep yourself in the dark, he can keep gaslighting you.

where are you at the moment? are you going to divorce him or you are still considering R. He seems pretty manipulative but maybe that is exacerbated because you seem to have doormat tendencies.

go to a lawyer, find out your options, his obligations and start the Divorce proceedings. dont let him wheedle his way in. you can always stop proceedings if things work out later.

but this sends a message that you will no longer accept being treated like sh*t. 

divorces are often more than fair to the woman, hence he does not want you to go to a lawyer. if he does not allow you to refinance, move to smaller rental property. if he takes away your truck, buy a cheap banger. basically, be willing to be flexible and then you will have options. having options means you are not helpless and controlled.

find ways to improve your spirits, new friends, new activities. find happiness irrespective of him. it will make you stronger and you can see things clearer.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> No, the EA isn't still going on with the OW and she has already told her husband and they are in counseling. And you are right, I need to go to a lawyer but he is holding the house over top of me and telling me that he won't give me the time to refinance it into my name ... along with my truck. Both of these are in my name and his name and I don't know what his rights are. And yes, I do have doormat tendicies and I hate that b/c I want what is best for my kids and although he is a great father, he seems to be using the kids to get to me like scaring me into possibly having to sell the house or my truck. I know it wouldn't be in the end of the world if I lost the house, but it is the only home my kids know and I can afford to keep it so why go through all of that to have to go to a smaller place that will cost more? I just don't know what to do and am so tired of all this. I really appreciate your feedback GutPunch


Share more deets on the house and truck. Are they in both of your names?

I'm not sure how he could expedite financing on those items if they're in both your names. He can't do anything with them without your signature. He's threatening you to get a reaction. Don't react, ignore his threats.

Even if both house and truck are in his name, if you get an attorney involved and file for D, everything (bank accounts, property, etc.) will freeze until the D is finalized. Even if they're in his name, you're married, so they belong to you too, unless he had them when you married.

Stbxw and I looked at selling my house and realtor said to do it before D is filed or after D is final, as having a D in process will slow down sales, refinancing, etc. So, file the D just to slow it down if you want to keep the house. Have it as part of the divorce settlement.

Mirror what GP said about child support. Follow the state guidelines, your attorney will insist on it. I offered my x1 more child support than state guidelines because she made half as much as me and I was a Nice Guy. Eff your stbxh asking to pay you less child support. Thoughts about his new, improved life he should have had before EA and deciding he needed a shiny new life without you in it.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I really want to say first, thank-you so much for all the advice. This is exactly what I needed and why I decided to write my post. I have contacted a lawyer and will be going in for a consult at the end of the month. 

I DO NOT WANT TO R with my stbxh. I know he is manipulative and to keep things at bay with him, I allowed it. This is something that my counselor and I still talk about. I thought when he was holding all of that over my head, that I could really end up being forced to sell the house. And the house and truck are in both of our names. I am not against having to get a new car as that wouldn't impact my kids, but having to sell the home, would impact them more than what they are already going through. My kids are ages 5 and 3 and all they know is that daddy is now gone and we are here by ourselves. They ask questions and are actually really mad at him but I am always positive with my kids about their father and NEVER say anything bad at all to them about him.

THat being said, I will fight him on this and everyone here is right, it is better to spend the money on a lawyer and know my rights. I really appreciate the support and push to go do that. I will update once I go talk to that lawyer.

I also will probably keep somewhat of a journal here. I write daily in my own journal but some buttkicking while I am down, is always what I need.

I have a great support system with friends and family and now that it is summer time here, I stay really active. I actually used to run a lot and have done half marathons and full marathons but when I found out the OW was a runner as well in the same running groups as myself, it made me sick and I stopped running. But this past week I said screw it and joined up for a TRI with my friends and that has been amazing as I am back out there running and doing what I have always loved the most. I stay active, go to pool with my kids all the time, plan events and make sure that I talk with friends about this all. THe hardest time for me is late at night when I am working b/c I work from home and work third shift so I tend to get down during this time. But with this board and the stories and advice that I read, I have been more positive in the past two weeks than I have in a long time. I don't let him text me and get me all upset. I actually just don't respond to his crap anymore. I gave him chance after chance and he blew it ... all because he thought the grass would be greener ... he is now finding out that isn't the case. There is nothing in me anymore that wants him back in my life or that there is ever a chance of R. I am not even attracted to him anymore ... I just was trying to be fair in order to keep things between us at peace b/c of the kids and b/c I didn't want him to push me to sell the house. Thanks again and I look forward to getting to know everyone here!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Even if you lose the house...it's only a house.

Your kids need a home. I am confident they will

Always have that with you around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Lawyer consults are extremely important!! I was in a lawyers office the week after he left. I found out about the child support laws -alimony ( I'm in a state where he will have to pay lifetime alimony) and what I need to do to have the strongest possible case when the time comes. Knowledge is power - learn all you can.

You sound like you're doing well and that's great. I'm sure from reading these threads you see you will have your moments - ride them out - go through the emotions & keep reading and posting here.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Okay....let's play the match game.....

If you R you have him but the endless chaos

for sake of argument, that is a trade off

but if you walk away you have your sanity

trade off

you are left with hope for the future, maybe a 

non-manipulating guy and a more bonding 

relationship with your children (w/o the chaos)

shall I save you a place in line at courthouse maam?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sherri,

What would happen if you stood up to him?


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Sherri,
> 
> What would happen if you stood up to him?


WHen I stand up to him, he just gets angry and uses the kids as a ploy to get me to try and back off or tells me that he is going to get a lawyer. My gut feeling is that he already talked with a lawyer and they have told him to try and get me to agree to an amt b/c they know what he should be paying versus what he is paying. My main concern with fighting him is, again, having to sell the home, but someone posted on here that it is just a house and I need to remember that. I can make a home for my kids anywhere as long as I continue to love them and be there for them. They will be okay, as will I. I love this house b/c not only is it comfort for my kids and myself, but we live in a great neighborhood where we have friends that I know consider family that have been there for us through every step of that. But I know that friendship will continue to be there, even if we have to move, just hard to imagine.

I am looking forward to talk with a lawyer and he has no idea that I am going to do that. Right now, I am just sitting back and not really talking with him at all, unless it involves the kids. I think that he is regretting his choices, by some of the texts he is sending me, but I ignore those. I want nothing from him, except for him to continue to be a great father to my kids and outside of this child support issues, he really is a great father. 

I look forward to standing up to him and showing him that he will not bring me down and I will not continue to let him do this to myself and my kids.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Okay....let's play the match game.....
> 
> If you R you have him but the endless chaos
> 
> ...


I like how that is broken down and how I have basically learned to look at things now. I don't want to go back to the unhappiness in our marriage and nothing will get me to change that. I would rather be alone than to go back to the crap he put me through! And I love your quote in your siggie --- speaks volumes!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

When you stand up to him he gets mad and makes threats. He wants to control you and the situation. 

When are you seeing a lawyer next?

I understand your anger about the EA. It has taken me a very long time to calm down about this issue on my end. I was more upset with the OM, at first. Even now I cannot be ear that person because I might attack him, and I don't need that trouble and it won't solve my own issues at all. But it is hard to let go of the resentment and anger this type of betrayal engenders. 

Are you in IC? Might be useful to you. I wonder if Melodie Beattie's _Codependent No More_ would be of use to you...


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