# Wife wants separation - need advice please!



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Quick background:
Married 16 yrs, 3 kids under 12. WW is a SAHM who had a ONS D-day was 2 months ago. Since D-day, W has been remorseful and has had NC with OM. We have been in MC for almost 4 months dealing with this and a separate minor EA. 

A big part of the issue is sex. I'm the high desire person. She always used sex as a weapon to get me to do what she wanted. But when we'd have sex, she'd then resent me for "using" her body.

This resentment has now built up to the point where she says she doesn't think she could ever have sex w/me again. (An obvious deal-breaker).

We've gotten to the point where we are discussing a separation or a D. 

She wants a separation to see if she can get over this resentment and have a full M again. She's also admitted that she's scared about the consequences of a D ($, kids, etc.) Part of me thinks she wants the separation as a trial D - see if is better/worse than she thinks.

I'm not sure if I should agree to this and stay in limbo or just proceed to a D. 

Can a separation work? Has it worked for anyone else? Are there guidelines or does anything go?

Any advice appreciated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I call BS on her part. I suspect she's decided that she's not going to put the real effort into the marriage, and is now going to try bring single so she can hook up with the OM again.

She's only actually sort of working on the marriage for two months. That was longer than her affairs, so her waNting a separation 
now is her finally admitting that she won't put the effort in. Frankly she is in no position to feel resentment. The only thing she should be feeling is that she needs to pull out every stop to make you want to stay with her. Clearly she isn't going to work on the R and it's now once again all about her selfish needs.

Sorry Walt, but your WW is still playing you,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I always say S*it or get off the pot. 

If she's asking for a separation - give it to her with D papers. Only do this if you are serious though. If she wants a separation, cut everything off from her, she has to live on her own and support herself, otherwise you'll end up financing her affair with whoever she's EA/PA with.

Basically its a divorce. Work on yourself. Become the person you want to be, but don't do it for her, do it for you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I call BS on her part. I suspect she's decided that she's not going to put the real effort into the marriage, and is now going to try bring single so she can hook up with the OM again.
> 
> She's only actually sort of working on the marriage for two months. That was longer than her affairs, so her waNting a separation now is her finally admitting that she won't put the effort in. Frankly she is in no position to feel resentment. The only thing she should be feeling is that she needs to pull out every stop to make you want to stay with her. Clearly she isn't going to work on the R and it's now once again all about her selfish needs.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Walt, from your other thread:



Walt said:


> My W is still on the fence. She says she doesn't want to end the M, but she still feels this need to go out and get attention from other men. Her explanation is that she didn't have those experiences when younger and she needs them now.
> 
> Essentially, she wants to go out and be "single", yet still have me as a backup. Perhaps a limited separation, not a D. I've already told her and the MC that separation=D for me.


Walt, your WW is still deep in the affair fog and is still feeling self entitled. She's a SAHM and wants separation? Like you said, she thinks separation means everything remains the same: you pay all the bills, its just that you aren't there and she has the freedom to pursue sex with OM. 

She has a lot of nerve to be resentful of you. She feels like you used her body? What about OM? She's only playing you. It's high time that you put D on the table and move towards it. She doesn't want to commit to the marriage. She wants to live the single life like so many SAHM's. She never knew how good she had it. You gave her a shot at R and she threw it back in your face. It's time to pull the trigger on D.

Oh BTW, my best friend is going through this. They separated in October last year. His wife wanted to "find herself". Since then, she has done the exact opposite. She refused MC, or to work on reuniting. Instead, she has done the complete opposite: Started going out and being a party girl, seeing the kids less and less (she doesnt even want shared custody), and now has at least two boyfriends. She went to Virginia in September to meet a new boyfriend she met on facebook only a few months ago (May). She has another boyfriend in another country who she went to see last June. Yeah, separation was good for their marriage...not.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I call BS on her part. I suspect she's decided that she's not going to put the real effort into the marriage, and is now going to try bring single so she can hook up with the OM again.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No - I don't believe the OM has anything to do with this. He bolted after d-day. wanted no part of the drama.

I do think she may still be in the fog.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Walt, your WW is still deep in the affair fog and is still feeling self entitled. She's a SAHM and wants separation? Like you said, she thinks separation means everything remains the same: you pay all the bills, its just that you aren't there and she has the freedom to pursue sex with OM.
> 
> She has a lot of nerve to be resentful of you. She feels like you used her body? What about OM? She's only playing you. It's high time that you put D on the table and move towards it. She doesn't want to commit to the marriage. She wants to live the single life like so many SAHM's. She never knew how good she had it. You gave her a shot at R and she threw it back in your face. It's time to pull the trigger on D.


Entitled, definitely.

My question really is - what now?

Her idea of a separation is that I leave and she stays @ the house. I pay the bills and get to see my kids a couple nights per week and every other weekend. Sounds like a D to me.

D has been on the table for the past 2 weeks. The separation idea is hers - she thinks that with some space, maybe she can come around. I may be fooling myself thinking that an S could work. 

I've starting looking into an attorney. I guess he/she will have to give me some guidance as to what to do (S or D). W says if I file for D, she wont' contest anything. (Yeah, right!)


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Walt, if not the last OM then perhaps a new OM. She's is missing the rush and fix from cheating. It's only been 8 weeks, she wants sex and attention and she thinks she can only get that from another msn,

You need to strongly stand up to her and call her out. If she won't fully commit to.a full marriage including sex, then it's divorce and she leaves. Don't make it easy on her, don't try to be sensitive to her. She is being deeply selfish still, and she clearly doesn't respect you. You need in my opinion to be a lot more caveman and hard on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Walt, if not the last OM then perhaps a new OM. She's is missing the rush and fix from cheating. It's only been 8 weeks, she wants sex and attention and she thinks she can only get that from another msn,
> 
> You need to strongly stand up to her and call her out. If she won't fully commit to.a full marriage including sex, then it's divorce and she leaves. Don't make it easy on her, don't try to be sensitive to her. She is being deeply selfish still, and she clearly doesn't respect you. You need in my opinion to be a lot more caveman and hard on her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Shaggy. I think you may be right.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree. Show her reality. If she wants out, file for Divorce. 

A divorce doesn't mean you are done. It means you are serious and won't take this crap. You can always get back together even after a divorce.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

While I hate recommending divorce when there are kids involved, I agree with Shaggy. You might also consider whether her suggesting separation is another way of her using sex as a weapon against you. 

Unfortunately, whether it's a ploy or genuine on her part, it is a deal breaker for you (as it should be). And you won't be able to tell which it is until you force the issue, which you have not done yet.

Pray for the best, prepare for the worst. I would look at the positive things I brought to the relationship, and start withdrawing those things, both to start saving my resources and to let the spouse get a taste of what they would be missing if things progressed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Walt said:


> Her idea of a separation is that I leave and she stays @ the house. I pay the bills and get to see my kids a couple nights per week and every other weekend. Sounds like a D to me.


wow, she wants you to finance her freedom and have you thank her for it


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

I didn't see anyone else suggest this. . . If she wants a separation, show her the door. No reason for you to leave your house, your kids so she can figure out what the f*** she wants to do. ANd she can figure out how to pay her bills too. Good luck...


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

jayde said:


> I didn't see anyone else suggest this. . . If she wants a separation, show her the door. No reason for you to leave your house, your kids so she can figure out what the f*** she wants to do. ANd she can figure out how to pay her bills too. Good luck...


I've already thought and suggested that. I have a place I could stay (free) and she doesn't.

If this ends in court, I would have to move out anyway b/c she's a SAHM and is responsible for the kid's care while I'm @ work.

I've got an appt. w/an attorney tomorrow to discuss.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow, she wants you to finance her freedom and have you thank her for it


Seriously.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't assume she just gets the house and kids. True you'd have to arrange day care, but a lot of dingle dads have to fo that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

It's bleedin' obious to me that I didn't take advice offered to me a long time ago. Neither will you or anyone else...but...maybe you will:

Let her go. Don't jump through any hoops. Do it now. Don't have Spongebob, Patrick and Sqidward runnin' circles around inside your head for a decade.

Ugh...


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Met with an attorney. He *strongly *recommended I not leave the house. "Once you leave, it is almost impossible to get back in." He also stated that it would set precedent for child custody and possibly spousal support.

As he eloquently stated - "What's in this for you? She gets the kids, the house, her bills paid for and could possibly date OMs. All you get is hope."

Sometimes you need a smack upside the head to see truth.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Walt - the attorney sounds like a keeper. And keep reading stuff on here. Unfortunately, too many guys have gone thru the same stuff. Fortunately, many of them are on here telling other what they've been through and giving great advice. Sorry to hear this is happening to you.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Decide what's fair...and not what merely you want. Then backtrack a bit from there...and "give it back to her" during the Great Debate. She'll see it as a point won for her side...as if she got one over on you.


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