# Responsibility for other people's decisions



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Been thinking lately, I seem to have made a few mental black holes in my brain this year. Here's the scenario: Let's say I have a friend with benefits, but she gets attached - but instead of continuing things, I cut loose - because I figure - I don't want to lead her on and break her heart, but then I end up struggling to find a new one, not to mention some FWBs are actually good, like my current one.

Where do we as men draw the line? Should we hold ourselves responsible for someone else's decisions? If one has made it perfectly clear that there can be no future, no relationship, no attachment, and the other person still falls in love, are we to be judged if we continue the "relationship"?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Yes, it is wrong to continue the relationship. Very wrong. 

Btw, she did not "decide" to fall in love. It just happened. 

But you "deciding" to continue the relationship is cruel to her. She may tell you she wants to continue, but it is because she hopes you will change your mind. Don't do that to her because you have to do work to find a good replacement.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And what if we have no idea? Like at present, my FWB denies any attachment, yet she calls/texts everyday. So if we continue in potential ignorance, are we also to blame?
Heck, even what if she had fallen, and if she remains dishonest so she won't lose a FWB as well, are we men also to blame? 

I found I've wasted alot of mental energy over the years since divorce trying to decipher womens' true intentions or feelings or decisions instead of just living life and enjoying it

What if this could be a good thing, what if this could be a great lasting FWB arrangement? Must we ruin it out of fear of potentially hurting another's feelings? Feelings that may not even be there?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nope. So long as you have clearly illustrated your boundrys and what you are capable of then what they do with that information is on them. But they do need to be told for sure.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

So, you don't want to put in the effort to care about her feelings. You just want to f*** her. Then tell her that. Then if she wants to continue you are in the clear.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Where do we as men draw the line? Should we hold ourselves responsible for someone else's decisions? If one has made it perfectly clear that there can be no future, no relationship, no attachment, and the other person still falls in love, are we to be judged if we continue the "relationship"?


We are social creatures, and the lines aren't always as clear-cut as we'd like to pretend. If you've made your boundaries clear, then I'd say you've done all that is necessary, until something shows you that your FWB has changed their opinion on the agreement. 

So, unless you're seeing a big red flag (I want you to meet my parents; why don't you introduce me to your friends / family; etc) I'd not worry. Keep things at arms length. Reassess if you think a behavior calls for it.

As to the whole "falling in love" stuff, I don't agree with most people on this site. People don't just happen into love. It's the result of a series of choices, and is itself a choice. People just happen into lust, it's something you have very limited control over.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I also found "falling in love" to be a choice, but it's like a river pushing against dam, once you let go it kinda floods everything and you lose control and the more you try to fight it back the more it carries you away.

But thanks guys, I guess I'll keep living life and stop over thinking things!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Where do we as men draw the line? Should we hold ourselves responsible for someone else's decisions? If one has made it perfectly clear that there can be no future, no relationship, no attachment, and the other person still falls in love, are we to be judged if we continue the "relationship"?


Grow up.

Sh*t happens. You ever hear that phrase, "life happens when we're busy making plans?" Just because your original agreement was to be FWBs doesn't mean things can't *change*. It happens all the time. Unfortunately for her, she's going to find out what a bad choice she really made.

You're doing all kinds of back-pedaling and passing the buck just so you don't lose your precious NSA sex. All this happy horsesh*t about "it's a _choice_ to love someone" and "why should _I_ be responsible for HER decisions..." is such a weak, ignorant and self-serving argument. I honestly can't imagine how pitiful it must be to live for your damned genitals to the point where you lose your humanity and no longer even have the most basic sense of *decency* for other human beings.

But you keep on keeping on, as long as you're getting yours, right? Pitiful.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You are never responsible for someone else's decisions, actions and/or thoughts. Those are their own, just as yours are yours and no one else can "own" them. But if it is your actions that is misleading them, for that you are responsible. I agree with Kivlor, as long as you have made your intentions clear and have been honest with the other person, you bear no responsibility for what they may choose to believe or how they choose to act or think. The only thing you owe another person is honesty.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I do not think love is a choice. If it were, we could make ourselves love our spouses in order to keep our families together or those who are single could make themselves love their perfect on paper dates they can't muster feeling toward.

I compartmentalize well and do not get involved with casual sex partners. When I was single and during my first marriage, I was very upfront and honest about my intentions. I made sure my partners understood there was nothing beyond enjoying each others company and casual sex. Whenever I noticed signs a casual sex partner was developing feelings, I would end the relationship in order to avoid causing unnecessary pain. There are always more casual sex partners out there to sample. No need to cause emotional upset to anyone just to get laid.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can't be responsible for how she feels, or for her decisions. If her attachment makes you uncomfortable, then it becomes your decision to stay or leave the FWB, or dial it back to just friends. If you're not uncomfortable, and your views are completely clear and known to her, then it is her choice to stay in a situation that won't resolve in her favor. Remind her of that occasionally, and then it is not your responsibility. She is an adult, and as long as she has accurate information, is responsible for her choices. However, as I said initially, if her choices make you uncomfortable or creates problems, then it is appropriate for you to move on.

Personally, I'd feel uncomfortable being the one who is the reason for her poor decision, and so would probably move on just for that.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why are you so set on just having a string of FWBs rather than a relationship?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> Why are you so set on just having a string of FWBs rather than a relationship?


What difference does that make? The OP has chosen to live their life, the way they want to live their life. Why should they have to have a "relationship"? 

BTW, FWB is a relationship.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> Why are you so set on just having a string of FWBs rather than a relationship?




I was wondering that too?

OP, you are afraid of being hurt?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Ynot said:


> What difference does that make? The OP has chosen to live their life, the way they want to live their life. Why should they have to have a "relationship"?
> 
> BTW, FWB is a relationship.


I think we'll need to agree to disagree on a FWB "arrangement" being a relationship. 

And he doesn't need to do anything. But he's opened enough threads on the topic where the dream of the FWB doesn't work the way he wants it to. 

He wants the benefits of a relationship - a woman readily available for sex when he desires without needing to have the emotional involvement. 

So really the question is can you sleep with a woman long-term and have her not develop some sort of feelings and have it stay in "F$%#-buddy" zone forever? I'm going to argue not likely. 

But OP over threads has revealed to have very specific standards - they can't be too short or he can't 69 properly. They have to be a "solid 10." And he has to bail if they develop feelings. I cannot honestly say I see that feasible and supportable over the long-term.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> I think we'll need to agree to disagree on a FWB "arrangement" being a relationship.
> 
> And he doesn't need to do anything. But he's opened enough threads on the topic where the dream of the FWB doesn't work the way he wants it to.
> 
> ...


It is his life. No one else's. Sounds to me like you have expectations that he should have to live up to.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> It is his life. No one else's. Sounds to me like you have expectations that he should have to live up to.


That could be said for any post made in response to anyone on this board that it's their life and we shouldn't have any expectations or thoughts because of moral relativity, etc. And yet, that's the very nature of posting here. OP can do what he wants with my thoughts up to and including ignoring them. 

But long-term do I think a plan of attracting a string of gorgeous tall women willing to have a FWB with the OP versus a more steady relationship with the OP is feasible? No, not really. Unless the OP is a sex-god, eventually these fine ladies will figure out they can likely get sex and the more traditional benefits of a relationship elsewhere. Probably as OP has discovered/is discovering when they realize they miss the emotional aspect of a relationship. So eventually the OP might have to address that.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> That could be said for any post made in response to anyone on this board that it's their life and we shouldn't have any expectations or thoughts because of moral relativity, etc. And yet, that's the very nature of posting here. OP can do what he wants with my thoughts up to and including ignoring them.
> 
> But long-term do I think a plan of attracting a string of gorgeous tall women willing to have a FWB with the OP versus a more steady relationship with the OP is feasible? No, not really. Unless the OP is a sex-god, eventually these fine ladies will figure out they can likely get sex and the more traditional benefits of a relationship elsewhere. Probably as OP has discovered/is discovering when they realize they miss the emotional aspect of a relationship. So eventually the OP might have to address that.


No, that could not be said about any post made in response to anyone else. The OP didn't ask if his "plan" was feasible. He only asked if he was responsible for someone. You chose to make his "plan" an issue. 
Perhaps at some point, the OP may decide his "plan" is not feasible. At that point it will be his decision to amend, deviate or abandon that plan. Perhaps the OP has decided that for him, a string of short term FWB relationships is what is in his best interest at this time. No one should be in a "relationship" because of the expectations of others. Yet that is the expectation you are pushing. I disagree with that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ynot said:


> No, that could not be said about any post made in response to anyone else. The OP didn't ask if his "plan" was feasible. He only asked if he was responsible for someone. You chose to make his "plan" an issue.
> 
> Perhaps at some point, the OP may decide his "plan" is not feasible. At that point it will be his decision to amend, deviate or abandon that plan. Perhaps the OP has decided that for him, a string of short term FWB relationships is what is in his best interest at this time. No one should be in a "relationship" because of the expectations of others. Yet that is the expectation you are pushing. I disagree with that.




OP is getting the advice we think he needs to consider, not necessarily what he asked for. He can choose to ignore it.

SSF was addressing OP with her advice, not you.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, it is wrong to continue the relationship. Very wrong.
> 
> Btw, *she did not "decide" to fall in love. It just happened. *
> 
> But you "deciding" to continue the relationship is cruel to her. She may tell you she wants to continue, but it is because she hopes you will change your mind. Don't do that to her because you have to do work to find a good replacement.


I take great exception to this. It is basically the logic cheaters use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own infidelity.

Yes, people are entirely at fault for falling in love. It doesn't 'just happen.' It is a choice the person makes to continue associating with the person they feel themselves developing feelings for. If you don't want to fall in love with someone, stop being with them sooner.

If his FWB is falling in love with him, it's her choice. If he wants to end the friendship because he believes he cannot reciprocate and he doesn't want her falling further, and she's not making the choice to stop it herself, then I find that very respectful of him.

However, if he continues the FWB relationship despite knowing she's falling for him, that's her issue to deal with, not his. She's an adult, and she knew what she was getting into. As long as he's honest with her about still not wanting it to to develop into anything deeper, it's on her to continue or not continue after her feelings have changed.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I take great exception to this. It is basically the logic cheaters use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own infidelity.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Well, if OP does not care about the FWB he should continue to do what he wants regardless of the effect on her. 

If he cares about her, he should do what is right, for BOTH of them. 

It's that simple. 

IMO OP just wants to be absolved of any responsibility or guilt. That is the same attitude a POSOM has when cheating with a married woman. It's her choice so he should not care that he has a major role in breaking up a or family.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I take great exception to this. It is basically the logic cheaters use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own infidelity.
> 
> Yes, people are entirely at fault for falling in love. It doesn't 'just happen.' It is a choice the person makes to continue associating with the person they feel themselves developing feelings for. If you don't want to fall in love with someone, stop being with them sooner.
> 
> ...


I can totally relate to this post, except in my case it was my wife at the time and not a FWB. She told me in oh so many ways, but I kept getting deeper and deeper. I gave more and more of myself to the point of giving myself away. I was despondent and just wanted to die. But yet I fought on (?). I realize now that those thoughts and actions were a result of my decisions and no one else's. I became reactive instead of responsive, I was unhappy. In the end she made the decision for me. As of yet I am not to the point of feeling gratitude for my freedom, but I do admire her for taking the action, that I had refused to do. The OP is simply attempting to define in his own head where the cut off is for him. Because I truly think that unless one has experienced a similar event in their life, you can't relate to the OP's internal dillemma.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

As always I remain honest with my FWBs, the question is whether they are being honest with me, and whether I should respect their word as their own decision or rely on my own instincts to discern what I would consider the truth, and then making decisions for them based on my own one-sided understanding of the situation - while ultimately their decision to stay or leave is not even mine to begin with.

This is the dilemma, worrying about the "what ifs" have been the cause of many black holes in my mental processes over the years, leading to a lot of pointless anxiety. So I question them now.

As for my single lifestyle vs a relationship, if an opportunity for a relationship with a woman who is compatible with me comes, sure. No such opportunity is in front of me at the moment.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I can totally relate to this post, except in my case it was my wife at the time and not a FWB. She told me in oh so many ways, but I kept getting deeper and deeper. I gave more and more of myself to the point of giving myself away. I was despondent and just wanted to die. But yet I fought on (?). I realize now that those thoughts and actions were a result of my decisions and no one else's. I became reactive instead of responsive, I was unhappy. In the end she made the decision for me. As of yet I am not to the point of feeling gratitude for my freedom, but I do admire her for taking the action, that I had refused to do. The OP is simply attempting to define in his own head where the cut off is for him. Because I truly think that unless one has experienced a similar event in their life, you can't relate to the OP's internal dillemma.




Well said. I can relate to this thread because i have been on the opposite side of OP. I was used by another who knew what she was doing to me. Yes it was my choice but that did not make the pain any less. Extracting myself from the situation was much harder than i wanted. 

If OP was empathetic with his FWB he might arrive at a different cut off.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> As always I remain honest with my FWBs, the question is whether they are being honest with me, and whether I should respect their word as their own decision or rely on my own instincts to discern what I would consider the truth, and then making decisions for them based on my own one-sided understanding of the situation - while ultimately their decision to stay or leave is not even mine to begin with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I don't think it is pointless anxiety. Maybe you really do care about them.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> I don't think it is pointless anxiety. Maybe you really do care about them.


Perhaps he simply cares for them as a human being


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It is more worry and anxiety than caring or empathy, which the latter in this situation is irrelevant, as the fact remains that continuing to worry does neither of us any good either than complicating and bringing up potentially non-existent issues. These issues can be existent sure, but when she has already affirmed it clearly in her own words that there wouldn't be any complications, why should I hold myself responsible for any development of her feelings at all especially if all I have are my own suspicions in the end?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> It is more worry and anxiety than caring or empathy, which the latter in this situation is irrelevant, as the fact remains that continuing to worry does neither of us any good either than complicating and bringing up potentially non-existent issues. These issues can be existent sure, but when she has already affirmed it clearly in her own words that there wouldn't be any complications, why should I hold myself responsible for any development of her feelings at all especially if all I have are my own suspicions in the end?


You could just ask her if you suspicions are correct. You seem to have some basic human feelings even if you don't want a relationship; you say you don't want anything beyond sex. Talk to her. Explain your wishes haven't changed but that you may be being paranoid, but you feel like for the reasons you mentioned in your initial post, she has developed feelings and you don't want to be unfair to her, and want to make sure you're still on the same page.

Whether you're responsible for her feelings or not seems sort of irrelevant; if she has developed feelings for you, isn't it sort of sh*&y of you to continue to sleep with her when you know neither of you can give the other what they truly want? If she has feelings for you, you can't make her happy just by f(_&ing her. If she has feelings for you, she can't make you happy anymore because all of a sudden, emotions are involved (I won't go into your arrangement because that's your own business). If she doesn't have feelings for you - hooray! You're in the clear. You won't know until you ask.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I already did, but I have a habit of worrying too much and not believing what people tell me.

So far though, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> As always I remain honest with my FWBs, the question is whether they are being honest with me, and whether I should respect their word as their own decision or rely on my own instincts to discern what I would consider the truth, and then making decisions for them based on my own one-sided understanding of the situation - while ultimately their decision to stay or leave is not even mine to begin with.
> 
> This is the dilemma, worrying about the "what ifs" have been the cause of many black holes in my mental processes over the years, leading to a lot of pointless anxiety. So I question them now.
> 
> As for my single lifestyle vs a relationship, if an opportunity for a relationship with a woman who is compatible with me comes, sure. No such opportunity is in front of me at the moment.


I've always found it interesting to hear concern with what others feel in something so inherently selfish in nature and action, which is what a friend-with-benefits is. One of you is looking for a level of closeness, because if you weren't you be just another faceless partner among many in any given encounter. 

You really sacrifice nothing in this arrangement, therein you also have nothing to offer even if you try to justify with "but the other party gets great sex", is that really the sum of all value (a question, not a judgement)?

Some come into our lives as blessings, others as lessons... which would you like to be? I would think that a FWB would more often than not deliver more of the latter for both parties.

If you are unsettled with it, there is a reason...


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## Alli3fire (Oct 23, 2016)

Although I've never had a fwb, I always thought I would be fine with being in that type of situation and not have feelings. However, at one point in my younger life, when I was facing that possibility, just talking about intimate details with that person over a period of months, without actually doing anything, made me have feelings for them. So, I am sure now I could never do that and not get hurt. I DO think you know this girl is having feelings for you and that means it is your responsibility to stop so she doesn't get hurt. Ask her if she thinks she is developing feelings or if she is still okay with it. It's not okay to continue to do something that you know will hurt someone.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Of course an FWB is a relationship. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. You have a relationship to your boss at work, you have a relationship with the cashier at the store. A relationship is nothing more than two people who have a reason to engage with each other, and who generally have a shared understanding of what that engagement is like. This concept is well within the fundamentals of psych 101 as well as standard business management education.

If your behavior must be chosen in order to properly interact with somone - a police officer, a spouse, a teacher, a store clerk - then there is a relationship. The actions of one person will be affected by the actions of the other.

You might argue, and I would agree, that an FWB is not a romantic relationship. But romantic relationships are not the only type, nor the most common type.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I don't understand - I see nothing in the original posting suggesting that you took responsibility for her decisions. Rather, all you did was decide, for yourself, that you wanted to not be in a relationship with someone who'd decided to take it to a more romantic place than you wanted to be.

You were merely acting on your own preferences. If anything, you declined any responsibility for anything you might have already done to lead her on. So, while you seem to think you took more responsiblity than you should - I think you took less.

So, for the next fwb, figure out what it was you did that told her it would be good for her to attach...and don't do it again! (slight chuckle).

You have to understand I speak only theoretically - I've never had an FWB, and can't say that I would seek one in the future, either.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

FWBs are selfish? Lol - I found it no more selfish than your average romantic relationship

Besides my current FWB probably gives me the most genuine "loving" considering I don't take her out nor spend any money on her. I'm her walking dildo, and thankfully I'm not her walking wallet! Someone else can be once she finds her sugar daddy, the poor sod.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, it is wrong to continue the relationship. Very wrong.
> 
> Btw, she did not "decide" to fall in love. It just happened.
> 
> But you "deciding" to continue the relationship is cruel to her. She may tell you she wants to continue, but it is because she hopes you will change your mind. Don't do that to her because you have to do work to find a good replacement.





Wolf1974 said:


> Nope. So long as you have clearly illustrated your boundrys and what you are capable of then what they do with that information is on them. But they do need to be told for sure.


Honestly I can see both sides to this.. but *ethically*.. he is wrong to continue if HE has any feelings at all for this person he is banging- and I don't mean Romantic feelings.. just enough care that HE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT.. the whole "golden rule" thing....does it mean nothing to people anymore.. 

Does he not give a damn she may be crying tears every night hoping for more...that's just UGLY... hurtful, and disgraceful... all she did was develop feelings.. this is just one of many reasons casual sex is not what it's cracked up to be... it is very hurtful to many people.. they THINK they can handle it (and I would say far more women on this account) but they find out they really can't.. ..it ends up destroying their trust in Love, anything lasting... and deters people from being vulnerable , even being capable of Love....and who could blame them...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> FWBs are selfish? Lol - I found it no more selfish than your average romantic relationship
> 
> Besides my current FWB probably gives me the most genuine "loving" considering I don't take her out nor spend any money on her. I'm her walking dildo, and thankfully I'm not her walking wallet! Someone else can be once she finds her sugar daddy, the poor sod.


You do you, dude. 

But personally, I wouldn't be happy with my having my son thinking about a girl like that. That the goal should be to get what you can out of it and give as little in return. 

Like, would you be okay with your daughter in a relationship where she's thought of so poorly with snide remarks about needing a "walking dildo?"


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> You do you, dude.
> 
> But personally, I wouldn't be happy with my having my son thinking about a girl like that. That the goal should be to get what you can out of it and give as little in return.
> 
> Like, would you be okay with your daughter in a relationship where she's thought of so poorly with snide remarks about needing a "walking dildo?"


I have both a son and a daughter. Honestly I hope they both found out that sex is a physical act that can be detached from emotion. I hope that they both found out the things that made that physical act pleasurable for them.
You seem to assume the woman isn't getting anything out of the arrangement. What is so snide about him feeling like her walking dildo? You don't think women like the physical enjoyment of sex?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Honestly I hope they both found out that sex is a physical act that can be detached from emotion.


_Can_ be. But that's the core issue here isn't it - it is detached emotional for the OP, but he gets the idea it often isn't or eventually isn't for the partner. And the question of what ultimately responsibility one human has to another if any based on that. 

Also, the concept of making sex a purely physical act detached from emotion or connection I'd argue is why TAM's CWI section is so jamming. After all, it's just sex ... right?



> What is so snide about him feeling like her walking dildo? You don't think women like the physical enjoyment of sex?


I'm more than aware that women can physically enjoy sex, thanks. Apparently more so than some posters on TAM as I'm not in a sexless or basically sexless marriage now have I been. 

As for why it's snide, I certainly can't imagine having that said about me in front of someone else. "Hey, I'm Jessica's walking dildo, how are you?"


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think it comes down to honesty. I believe you owe her honesty in the relationship. You've made it clear you only want to be FWB. That first letter is F for Friends. You can't be her friend if you're selfishly leading her on so that you can keep dipping your wick. When you have reason to suspect she is becoming more attached than just FWB, you owe it to her to re-establish the boundaries and to re-assess things. Even if she says she is ok with just FWB, if you believe she is secretly hoping (and perhaps maneuvering) for more, you should cut off the sex and the close relationship.

Yes, she's an adult and she is responsible for herself. As long as you believe she is fully aware of your boundaries and is fully on board with it, you have no moral duty to protect her from potential emotional distress later on if she does develop stronger feelings.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

If you sleep with someone over a long period of time, the odds are pretty high that you will develop feelings for them, or at least wonder what it would be like to take the next step. This happens to both men and women.

OP, I would just put the shoe on the other foot. What if you were the one who decided you wanted more from her.? How would you want to be treated? The way you frame it in your OP, it sounds like you would expect her to just be overjoyed and go along with it. But she might equally come back at you and say that she is not responsible for your feelings, you made a deal for no attachment, and you broke it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> _Can_ be. But that's the core issue here isn't it - it is detached emotional for the OP, but he gets the idea it often isn't or eventually isn't for the partner. And the question of what ultimately responsibility one human has to another if any based on that.
> 
> Also, the concept of making sex a purely physical act detached from emotion or connection I'd argue is why TAM's CWI section is so jamming. After all, it's just sex ... right?
> 
> ...


Wow, so much projection going on here. What does the actions of two single, consenting adults have to do with infidelity in marriage? In case you missed it, most marriage vows include some statement about pledging one self to another. Where has that been mentioned in the OP's scenario? Perhaps I missed where they pledged eternal fidelity to one another. Maybe you can point it out.
Then you take offense to the OPs comment that he is just her walking dildo. Another thing you seem to miss, is that in a FWB situation that is pretty much what he is. In fact she is really nothing more than his walking cvm dump. That is a relationship they have both freely entered in to. Both of them has accepted those roles. Those were their choices. But it is nice of you to project your own biases and/or insecurities onto them.
So, you aren't into being a FWB. That is great. But it is not your place to chastise others who have chosen to go that route. It isn't the thing for you, I get it.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I think your responsibility to the other person lies in just being honest with them. While it is likely that with prolonged sex feelings will eventually develop and one or both of your relationship desires may change, as long as you are both maintaining open communication you can each adjust as you see fit. I think it would be far less responsible to make decisions for the other person since it would be made based on the assumption that you know more about their wants/needs than they do.


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## Anon here (Nov 9, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> And what if we have no idea? Like at present, my FWB denies any attachment, yet she calls/texts everyday.


Do you text back? Call back? How soon and how often?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bananapeel said:


> I think it would be far less responsible to make decisions for the other person since it would be made based on the assumption that you know more about their wants/needs than they do.


Aye... this!



Anon here said:


> Do you text back? Call back? How soon and how often?


Yeah eventually, I'm always busy so most of the time it's just replying to random flirts or organising where and when to meet.

The fact that she texts me without fail every single morning is a little suspicious though, hence I found myself falling into the trap of assumption - which is I guess, less responsible than if I would just let her make her own decisions. Perhaps it's just her routine.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you treating her the way you would want your daughter, in similar circumstances, treated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Why should you feel responsible? She is an adult, and if you were open and honest about your intentions upfront you shouldn't feel bad. Back in the day I did the FWB thing a time or two, or three.... Yes there were times when someone got too close....but....they were also times that I got too close. That's honestly just the nature of these relationships. Its likely that one party will eventually feel more for the other at some point...usually the fall out isn't as bad though. When one party catches feelings they usually tell you that they feel more for you than just being a FWB. At that point you can decide if you want to end it or not. No need to assume anything. 

With that said, in the one instance I did fall for an FWB she ended it literally a day after I told her I had feelings. I certainly wasn't devastated, because we were honest all the way through. I decided to take a chance and we weren't on the same page. In a FWB situation thats the risk you accept. I regretted saying anything, because being an FWB is a heck of a lot better than getting friend zoned. You get the best part of the relationship, without the actual relationship. Its hard to explain, it isn't just sex. They really are your friend...at least that was my experience. For the life of me I can't figure out why so many of us assume women are these delicate flowers that can't handle an FWB situation.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Why should you feel responsible? She is an adult, and if you were open and honest about your intentions upfront you shouldn't feel bad. Back in the day I did the FWB thing a time or two, or three.... Yes there were times when someone got too close....but....they were also times that I got too close. That's honestly just the nature of these relationships. Its likely that one party will eventually feel more for the other at some point...usually the fall out isn't as bad though. When one party catches feelings they usually tell you that they feel more for you than just being a FWB. At that point you can decide if you want to end it or not. No need to assume anything.
> 
> With that said, in the one instance I did fall for an FWB she ended it literally a day after I told her I had feelings. I certainly wasn't devastated, because we were honest all the way through. I decided to take a chance and we weren't on the same page. In a FWB situation thats the risk you accept. I regretted saying anything, because being an FWB is a heck of a lot better than getting friend zoned. You get the best part of the relationship, without the actual relationship. Its hard to explain, it isn't just sex. They really are your friend...at least that was my experience. For the life of me I can't figure out why so many of us assume women are these delicate flowers that can't handle an FWB situation.


Well put. Good post!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well guys, I don't know how to break this to the thread but well, I kinda developed feelings, and well she shares them. I don't know, I was quite adamant about getting involved emotionally but well, things just got emotional, for both of us.

I guess this thread has kinda become irrelevant to my own current state at least...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Well guys, I don't know how to break this to the thread but well, I kinda developed feelings, and well she shares them. I don't know, I was quite adamant about getting involved emotionally but well, things just got emotional, for both of us.
> 
> 
> 
> I guess this thread has kinda become irrelevant to my own current state at least...




No, this thread is very relevant. It should be a sticky. 

Take it slow. Good luck.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Well guys, I don't know how to break this to the thread but well, I kinda developed feelings, and well she shares them. I don't know, I was quite adamant about getting involved emotionally but well, things just got emotional, for both of us.
> 
> I guess this thread has kinda become irrelevant to my own current state at least...


Actually the topic of the thread is very much relevant to your current situation. The fact that both of you may have developed emotions does not change the fact that neither of you are responsible for someone else's emotions. 
In fact the opposite idea(that you are responsible) is why many stay in bad situations in the first place. As well as why many feel so betrayed when their SO decides to break it off.
BTW- good luck and have fun with your current relationship, just remember you are only responsible for your self.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

> The fact that both of you may have developed emotions does not change the fact that neither of you are responsible for someone else's emotions.




Totally wrong. If i do something mean to my wife and make her cry, i am responsible 

If i do something good and make her love me, i am responsible. 

No difference with OP.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Totally wrong. If i do something mean to my wife and make her cry, i am responsible
> 
> If i do something good and make her love me, i am responsible.
> 
> No difference with OP.


Sorry chumley, but you are wrong. You are only responsible for doing something mean or doing something good. In the end it is the other person who is responsible for their reaction to it. You have no control over that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like hiring a hooker would have been far simpler for all involved.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Well guys, I don't know how to break this to the thread but well, I kinda developed feelings, and well she shares them. I don't know, I was quite adamant about getting involved emotionally but well, things just got emotional, for both of us.
> 
> I guess this thread has kinda become irrelevant to my own current state at least...


Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants....perhaps it will work out for the both of you, and maybe not; either way...you both take a chance on each other, and your not just watching from the side lines of life. its easy to watch much harder to play, people get hurt but its worth it.


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