# Martial issues-venting/advice?



## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

This is my first post as a new member....

I'm not sure whether i'm here to vent or ask for advice; probably bit of both. This is hard for me to talk about. 

I've been married for 9 years this coming October and after working in my career for the past 15 years (as a single and married employee) i left the workforce in late 2011 when my first born was 8 months old because it was too hard to balance quality of life and my son's needs. The best decision i've made! and one DH was completely on board too. 

Things are coming to a head with DH, not sure if it's because i'm a SAHM, or just the general hard phase of adjusting our household with a new baby along with a 3 year old who is transiting. But we fight almost on a daily basis, some of it very petty stuff. i.e who did what, etc but other times it's over deeper issues as DH seems largely resentful of me being at home, "doing nothing" while he is slaving away at work. I would remind him that it was a decision WE both made, and that i'm far from doing nothing, even with DS1 in private preschool 3x a week. I feel it's one of problems within our marriage. He is quite inflexible with a very reactive personality. Something his own family members even attributed about him too! but those said family members aren't too great, so i took it with big grain of salt. Now i'm so seeing it is the case. I'm not perfect, far from it and do agree with some of his points on my flaws, but in the big picture i feel like my flaws isn't affecting EVERYBODY in this household. His moods really brings me down, and in turn that makes me a cranky mom to the boys which is completely unfair to them. i really don't know where it went wrong...but i feel like every day is such a battle, I already feel wore out just from dealing with DS1 who is starting his terrible 3's with his no's, this or that and general tantrums. 

If i'm being really honest with myself, there were a red flag or two about him but i ignored it, as the first 5 years of marriage was relatively good. However, looking back that was because i was just too darn busy working and had a helluva long commute. So, the bulk of time i would spend with him is largely weekends, as he was early to bed, and early riser which left us 2-3 hours of company in evenings during work-week. 

Fast forward to 4.5 years later, 2 kids later and a house and i feel like all he does is put me down, and expects too much of me. It's the biggest point between us, as he feels he isn't asking too much whereas I do feel he does. Whenever he gets onto me for "not doing things right" around the house, or not stepping up enough, we fight and i often retort saying how I'd love to see him home for an entire week using his vacation with just the kiddso and see how he handles. He would often hang over my head that he brings in the bacon, never mind the fact i was carrying us on my insurance for 6 friggin years cuz i had the better coverage or the fact my salary enabled us to bring in a significant downpayment on our current home he enjoys a lot! i am just down with the state of my marriage. 

no matter how often i tell him how belitting it is for me, and for himself too; it still happens every few days to every week. he just doesn't respect me as a person, nor what i do for him to make his home comfortable. I'm currently in therapy with a therapist, just to keep afloat of my own emotions regarding him and my state of affairs with him. Most days i dread 3:30-4pm since it means he's coming home, coupled with the fact he works from home 2x a week and never goes out AT ALL, to give me space. 

He complains a lot, isn't generally happy despite having an awesome job (one that is only 10 mins away from home, ability to work from home 2x weekly, and still gets to come home early if he wants to as long his work is complete; like now for the world cup!) and 2 awesome boys. i'm always enocuraging him to go out with friends to golfing, etc. Recently he went out of town for 2 nights to celebrate a friend's 50th and it was just sooooo blissful in my home, which made me realize having him around is just very toxic for me. He had a heart attack 3 years ago when my son was only 5 weeks ago, you would think that have made him change his outlook completely, nope! he's still so reactive, flies off at the littliest thing, calls me a liar if i don't answer him fast enough as he thinks i'm "thinking" how to lie by pausing for too long. 

He does have a lot of good points, which is JUST about the only reason im trying to stay and hang in; he's a hard worker, cuz if i ask him to do errands or help, he'll do it with no questions asked, is a good provider and when in a good mood, he can be a good guy as we're not the couple that just talks about kids whenever we're alone. i just don't know what to do and am at my wit ends, as i'm at the point of questioning whether his good qualities is enough to stay with him or consider alternative options?? 

On top of it all, he's on me about my apperances and weight...never mind the fact i just had his baby 5 months ago and actually weigh less NOW than i did 2 years ago when i was between kiddo 1 and 2. Never mind the fact he isn't all that himself, it would be one thing if he was a complete hottie and if i wasn't aware of how i look without any effort to do anything. But i am aware i need and WANT to lose 20 pounds, but it takes time for me considering i have a 3 year old and 5 months old baby at home with me. All of this just makes me not loving him, and treat him more of as a roommate or a business partner rather than my husband.

sorry to have rambled so long and if you got to this, thank you for reading my novel!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is your sex life?

How much time do you and your husband spend weekly doing things together, just the two of you?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you think you could get your job back? If you want to leave him, it would be really helpful if you could get your job back. 

If you could, would that be the decisive factor in your decision to leave? Is financial support the main thing holding you back?


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How is your sex life?
> 
> How much time do you and your husband spend weekly doing things together, just the two of you?


nil sex life; all this turmoil isn't making me feel romantic with him AT ALL. In addition, he had said few years ago that he doesn't want to do sex because i wasn't attractive enough for him. 

in the past, we used to go out every weekend doing errands together, or go out to dinner, movies, concerts together. Nowdays, i would say maybe once a month we do things together as a couple while babysitter is at home with the kids. 



jld said:


> Do you think you could get your job back? If you want to leave him, it would be really helpful if you could get your job back.
> 
> If you could, would that be the decisive factor in your decision to leave? Is financial support the main thing holding you back?


no, i wouldn't be able to get that job back. The door is closed on that, and not sure if i wanted to anyway as the commute is pretty hellish...which i didn't mind pre kids. but, now it would certainly make life much more chaotic. 

in part, i do feel "trapped" in the sense that my youngest is only a baby and as such, do not really want to go back to the workforce until he is in kindy at least. But, i will and keep an open mind as far options go...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Then you may just want to go with coping techniques for as long as you can, OP. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DualvansMommy said:


> nil sex life; all this turmoil isn't making me feel romantic with him AT ALL. In addition, he had said few years ago that he doesn't want to do sex because i wasn't attractive enough for him.
> 
> in the past, we used to go out every weekend doing errands together, or go out to dinner, movies, concerts together. Nowdays, i would say maybe once a month we do things together as a couple while babysitter is at home with the kids.


I figured that this would pretty much be your answer.

It sounds like the two of you have lost your connection to each other. You both sounds miserable in this marriage.

Since it sounds like you are not ready to leave him, then you need to start working to improve the marriage. 

Your husband has apparently changed his mind about agreeing for you to be a SAHM. I think that you need to take this seriously. 

One of the best ways to improve a marriage is for a person to first start working on improving themselves. Maybe start by going to the gym. Many of them have baby sitters so you can go while your husband is at work. Do what you need to do to feel very good about yourself.

Start looking at what jobs are available in your area in your career field. Or can you start an at-home business? 

There is a book at that I think will help you quite a bit. "His Needs, Her Needs".


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I was married to a man who thinks SAHM's are all lazy.

As such, I worked full-time with 2 children when they were each 3 months old until they were off to college.

He also put me down constantly about everything including appearance.

It's called verbal & emotional abuse.

You can try to get him into counseling. I tried everything before I filed for divorce. I am now enjoying that peaceful feeling you experienced while he was gone for 2 days every day of my life once I got away from a toxic person.

Good luck.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

All good food for thought here. 

Have you sat down and told him that his words are hurtful to you, that you are doing your best and it seems that isn't good enough to him and you don't know what else you can do? Would he acknowledge that you ARE doing well enough most of the time and do you think he could agree to not say anything negative to you for one month? 

Have you pointed out that you could go back to work full time and join a gym and workout every evening but that would mean you'd have to put the children in daycare, hire a cleaning lady and send out the laundry - do the math and likely be in the same position financially?

Perhaps he is unhappy because he is a perfectionist and expects you to be, as well. Or he could just be a negative person. Have you asked him if he's happy or if he wants a divorce? Have you asked him to go to marriage counseling?

Regardless of all of the above, I agree that the only thing you can do is be what makes YOU happy - be the best you can be and pursue your own interests. Since he is so close to home you don't have to worry about getting to daycare on time. Go ahead and look for a job and hit the gym. Maybe if he sees you moving on and giving his opinion less importance, he'll start to appreciate your presence and if not you'll be prepared to move forward without him.


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I figured that this would pretty much be your answer.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I agree that I need to focus on myself more, since I seem to be meeting most of HIS needs by staying on top of chores, cleaning and cooking. I very rarely go out to girls nights or just by myself, and always encouraged him to go golf and watch sports, etc with friends. Although that's mainly so I can spend time in my own home alone!!

I actually do run a very small business from home; internal accounting for a business that brings me 1,500 a month. Already, I'm earmarking 500 of it in my own account every month going forward. So, I do bring income for us, all the while taking care of his two boys at home. I snapped few months ago, almost a year ago when I was pregnant with my second after him nitpicking on what I didn't do right. I told him to get a house keeper to come clean to his exacting standards twice a month. He did that and STILL he nitpicks!!!! That's when I knew it's just his personality, it doesn't matter if this house is shining clean and clutter free, he will still find something to gripe about. 



Emerald said:


> I was married to a man who thinks SAHM's are all lazy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm already in IC for myself and have been since this past spring and it's only past couple of weeks I brought up marriage counseling for both of us. Actually I want IC for him too, since he's just so angry and very negative those days. He told me flat out he isn't interested in seeing one for himself but will come with me , since it is what I want. Aka, basically it tells me he's only humoring me as he doesn't think what he does is really bad or grounds enough to go and see a therapist. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> All good food for thought here.
> 
> Have you sat down and told him that his words are hurtful to you, that you are doing your best and it seems that isn't good enough to him and you don't know what else you can do? Would he acknowledge that you ARE doing well enough most of the time and do you think he could agree to not say anything negative to you for one month?
> 
> ...



I have told him repeatedly how it hurts me, how I feel demeaned, yada yada and he still does it. Granted the name calling and whatnot doesn't happen on a daily basis like in the past, but maybe down to once a week. He just sees it as him calling me on it, improving myself, and us to grow together as a couple. I called him on it as total BS. In the past, I used to fight back, yell or go into my silent treatment modes which drives him mad apparently. But nowadays, I just walk away and tell him I didn't need to stay and hear it. Would often just take the boys out with me to somewhere or I go somewhere on my own, if they were napping then. 

I just feel so tired living with a person like that. It's really draining emotionally, and as such I'm interacting with him a lot less those days. Don't talk to him if I have to, since it just usually starts a petty fight or him nitpicking on me.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

RED FLAG ALERT.

I am skeptical your husband said he didn't want to have sex with you because he didn't find you attractive any longer. Maybe he's a total clod. Maybe.

I don't know. . .but my Spidey Senses are tingling on that one and it sounds like 

A. Distortion
B. Magnification

I am not saying you are relaying this on purpose, with malicious intent to deceive, but my ex-wife had a masterful, almost ARTFUL way of magnifying things I said and distorted them to fit her own "victim" and "entitlement mentality." She had herself fooled and others around her.

Dualvansmommy. . .am I calling this right?


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

Scannerguard said:


> RED FLAG ALERT.
> 
> I am skeptical your husband said he didn't want to have sex with you because he didn't find you attractive any longer. Maybe he's a total clod. Maybe.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure what you mean by the first sentence? skeptical because i said hubby told me he didn't want me due to my weight issues? skeptical that he told me outright or you're skeptical whether it's the reason behind his refusal? 

as far as distortion thinking, you could be onto it. I have always told me he's bit paranoid in the past (usually about other things which from him means his extended family as he was always saying they're talking about him behind his back, or his mother turned others against him because she told them how he treats them, etc) now, that is being turned onto me so i'm definately seeing his paranoia isn't healthy at all. For instance, he would ask me a simple every day question, and if i didn't reply "fast enough" for him he'll accuse me outright of lying to him or whatnot. 

in the beginning, i was like that because i'm careful by nature (thanks to my profession) so i tend not to reply immeediately, that's me. anyone who knows me well would tell you that, however over the years with those type of accustions from hubby. it's more so i'm replying slower because i'm always thinking in my head, "will he be happy with my reply?" and it's getting OLD fast for me.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'm skeptical he said that at all.

I am not so naive to not realize there ARE men out there that are totally insensitive clods but you said or implied that he doesn't want you due to not being attracted to you and he said that.

With the length of your posts (and hey, I am like this too, so it's not meant as a criticism), I am wondering if you don't "live in your head" a bit and if I asked him, he would give a remarkably different account.

You have produced a remarkably long narrative about him and your life.

Hey, I get it. . .men ARE more superficial in that regard to some extent. . .we *are *different in that if we aren't attracted to you, we have, um, a "failure to launch" if you know what I mean. Women can fake it more easily. So I am not ruling it out, but I am skeptical.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

With regards to the long narrative, I am reminded of a moment in my divorce when during the court hearing, their side was lobbing stuff at me. I shave my head and am a big guy with big shoulders.

My attorney quipped, "And your honor, my client is NOT an ogre, despite being bald and looking like Shrek."

It was definitely a funny moment and a "legal judo" move.

But maybe your husband is an Ogre, not sure.


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

Scannerguard said:


> I'm skeptical he said that at all.
> 
> I am not so naive to not realize there ARE men out there that are totally insensitive clods but you said or implied that he doesn't want you due to not being attracted to you and he said that.
> 
> ...


I can understand your skeptism because i didn't believe he actually said that to me either. It wasn't until some time down the road, after another fight, he said it again after i brought up the lack of our sex life. So, after being told i'm not attractive enough due to my weight, i heard him loud and clear. Problem is i don't buy his excuse, because we had no sex life for years BEFORE i gained weight. If i were always overweight, then maybe i'll buy his excuse. But i never have, and never will. Maybe very much true NOW, since i don't like myself physically. so how can i expect a man to like me sexually, if i don't myself? 

Even when we were active, it was laughably low for my needs, so he was always LD and i'm HD.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DualvansMommy said:


> I can understand your skeptism because i didn't believe he actually said that to me either.
> I’m not sure why anyone would be skeptical that a man who berates his wife would say something like he won’t have sex with her because she does not find her attractive. It’s actually a pretty common thing for some men to say. Men are as likely was women to withhold sex, making it a sexless marriage. Here’s a link to a book that I think might help you…
> 
> Amazon.com: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore eBook: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: Books
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DualvansMommy said:


> Even when we were active, it was laughably low for my needs, so he was always LD and i'm HD.


He sounds like a type A workaholic / perfectionist... you said he had a heart attack 3 yrs ago, how old is He? I take it he has some health issues that require meds that could interfere with his libido even?? This surely has caused YOU some resentment over the last 9 years.. 



> I actually do run a very small business from home; internal accounting for a business that brings me 1,500 a month. Already, I'm earmarking 500 of it in my own account every month going forward. So, I do bring income for us, all the while taking care of his two boys at home.


 I really don't see HOW he is complaining about you being a SAHM.. making THIS MUCH A MONTH .... Plenty of lower income women who work outside of the home do not even make that much... YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING !

Financially...how are you doing?


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He sounds like a type A workaholic / perfectionist... you said he had a heart attack 3 yrs ago, how old is He? I take it he has some health issues that require meds that could interfere with his libido even?? This surely has caused YOU some resentment over the last 9 years..
> 
> I really don't see HOW he is complaining about you being a SAHM.. making THIS MUCH A MONTH .... Plenty of lower income women who work outside of the home do not even make that much... YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING !
> 
> Financially...how are you doing?



He is 12 years older than me, making him 49 and me at 37. Again, like my weight I would believe his drugs may be interfering his liabdo. If we had an ok/decent sex life before his heart attack, as it is he's always been like this. I felt he did the classic bait and switch, clamming up on me after the wedding and a red flag for me back then would have been during our honeymoon. 

How am I doing financially? As in personally myself? Ok, but like I said up thread we do have significant joint assets. I do have my own retirement account and several thousands of savings in my own name, but it's not enough yet. 

Together? Were ok, thanks to hubby work ethnic which I do appreciate. We can cover our bills monthly and save to go on vacation every year. Drive simple cars that we usually pay off within 3-4 years of buying, in other words we live well within our means.


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## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

OP the vitriol simply drips from your posts. I can't believe it doesn't poison your relationship with your husband and provoke the behaviors that you write about. It's a bad circular spiral downward. No sex? No tenderness? No love. No respect. 

Do everyone a favor...including your kids who as soon as they are a bit older will realize what a toxic environment they're in. . .and start divorce proceedings.


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

SailBadTheSinner said:


> OP the vitriol simply drips from your posts. I can't believe it doesn't poison your relationship with your husband and provoke the behaviors that you write about. It's a bad circular spiral downward. No sex? No tenderness? No love. No respect.
> 
> Do everyone a favor...including your kids who as soon as they are a bit older will realize what a toxic environment they're in. . .and start divorce proceedings.


Maybe so. I know I am very resentful of him, which isn't helping matters I'm sure. 

abousetely right that I don't have respect for him, but nor does he for me. Otherwise I wouldn't be called *****, dumbass and such on a frequent basis. 

Now I feel like we're in a lull, because he hadn't been doing his usual behavior for some time. So, I don't know if my discussions with him is getting through to him, or we're in just our "quiet" phase before it starts up again...

could anyone tell me if you're in your cycles like this before?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

My ex sounds a LOT like your husband. His mouth and temper always got him in trouble. He would get upset over the slightest things. I was always walking on egg shells around him. I never felt like myself fully. Honestly, I didn't see that when we dated because he wasn't like that. It was like an overnight switch.

I can say this to you. I couldn't get over the resentment I built up for my husband. I started to hate him, and it sounds like if you aren't there yet, you will be there shortly. If you have any chance of saving the marriage, you are going to have to just have an all out shouting fury at him. 

Maybe some people will say that this not wise. It worked for me at least to clear my head. I put up with his BS for 5 years, and I got so sick of it one day that I just didn't hold my tongue anymore. I went off. Of course, he won't admit to anything you point out to him. He is perfect, right? But it might make you feel better.


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

inquizitivemind said:


> My ex sounds a LOT like your husband. His mouth and temper always got him in trouble. He would get upset over the slightest things. I was always walking on egg shells around him. I never felt like myself fully. Honestly, I didn't see that when we dated because he wasn't like that. It was like an overnight switch.
> 
> I can say this to you. I couldn't get over the resentment I built up for my husband. I started to hate him, and it sounds like if you aren't there yet, you will be there shortly. If you have any chance of saving the marriage, you are going to have to just have an all out shouting fury at him.
> 
> Maybe some people will say that this not wise. It worked for me at least to clear my head. I put up with his BS for 5 years, and I got so sick of it one day that I just didn't hold my tongue anymore. I went off. Of course, he won't admit to anything you point out to him. He is perfect, right? But it might make you feel better.



Funny you said that because I had a couple of mini meltdowns like you said; an all out shouting fury at him. That would shift the balance back into my favor for few weeks then it all starts over again; nitpicking etc. 

Just yesterday he was berating me for "closing" my eyes when he was talking to me....wtf?? I was blinking!!!! And him??? He's the one that closes his eyes for seconds on seconds whenever he is trying to make a point. Uugh!!!!


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