# He's caught and still lying and gaslighting



## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

So i put a VAR in my truck because I knew my H would be taking it. After I got home from the hospital tonight I listened and sure enough, while he knows my Mom is dying and I am spending all my time with out children or her, he is out with the 21 year old *****. I heard them kissing, talking about how much they missed each other, her work schedule, how he thinks I am insane because i think he is texting all the time and a bunch of nonsence about how I dont trust him and that's my fault. This is followed by him telling her that I found the 2time naked pics of her on his phone but to calm down babe, he erased them. He goes on. I called him at work and gave him one more chance to tell me the truth about if he's cheating or not and he said NO. So, i quoted so of what they said and told him to f*ck off and .....well, you can figure it out. The tape gets worse. My cousin came over to listen to it too and he comes in the door so she took it home quick for safe keeping and he is STILL telling me he didnt cheat. He says he saw the VAR and set this up to hurt me becausr i didnt trust him. Liar! I know he couldnt see it, you really had to crane to see it and i told him what was said so all he had to do is run out and then look under the seat then and see the velcro to know what happened. Turns out there is an investigation againat the 2time of them at work for the same thing because he is a supervisor and she is an employee. So, i got my proof which I sooo needed, now what do I do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, I wouldn't want to be with someone who "set me up to hurt me." You are already dealing with the emotional impact of your mother, and he thinks this is acceptable behavior to get back at you? I don't think so. Don't believe him for a second. Don't doubt yourself or your proof, at all. Be strong. You will get excellent advice from Betrayed Spouses on this forum.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Keep him at a distance and work on yourself , if you have the inclination send a exposure letter to his Hr department informing them of his affair . This should help them in their investigation . It is best to use the template from the newbie thread if you were to do his.


Your sole focus is yourself and family, he is on a high and does not care about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I'd inject some crazy glue in his condoms...then there will be no doubt about it and he can explain to the people @ work.
Mouse
I'm just kidding by the way.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I can so relate to your situation. Realizing you are not alone in your plight may not be of too much comfort at this point, however you do know the truth. You are aware of the gaslighting, and his lies. And as the above post relate... even if this was just a mind game to hurt you, so much worse. I doubt it is just a mind game. He is caught and still denying it. The usual! These cake eaters are vicious in their attempts to manipulate truth, and to discredit your own judgement! I can't give any advice on staying or leaving, but can say before anything, give yourself time, and get yourself healed first. Counseling is a great benefit, especially with other issues you face with your Family. I am sorry for your struggles and hope you find quick resolve for your problems. But do negate the gaslighting at all cost and do not let anyone compromise your sanity. Remaining steadfast is crucial at this point. Take care, and best wishes!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> The problem with that is that cheaters are usually too dumb to use them.


Yeah, and beside the cost of condoms and such... they want that closeness. It seems to be a must with these cheaters. Go for three, four days as on your cycle and check underwear. Friction leaves SO much evidence. Check that underwear... he will probably say he was doing himself while waiting for you to... you know! It gets a little better in my situation, but did notice even after sex with my wife after three or four days and saw the stains, I knew something was amuck! I have even went for two weeks without intercourse but using outercourse, and finally decided... 'that underwear is not right!' I am waiting for the results. I saw the underwear stains were more discolorated and yellow. The DNA cost more... but acurate. No more VARs, no more wanting to get detective workers... get DNA... and not just psa kits that rip you off... find out with DNA results!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> So, i got my proof which I sooo needed, now what do I do?


Leave him?

Is this really a question? You know he's cheating, you know he is a big liar, you know he has no respect for you, you know he doesn't give a crap about what you are going through with your mother, you know he has no intention of being faithful and probably doesn't love you in the least...what is the point of staying exactly?


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Please get yourself checked out for STDs because using condoms during intercourse does not protect you. They... the cheaters, like licking and such. Claymidia and such are underlying and may not have any manifestations until it is TOO late! Another reason... between the time I felt my wife was having an affair, I was under the medical influence that I had been exposed to 'herpes' and that is another test I wait on. 'PROTECT YOURSELF!'


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Focus on you and your mom. This asshat will be around. You know the truth, he won't admit it, so...make a choice. Stay or leave.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> Leave him?
> 
> Is this really a question? You know he's cheating, you know he is a big liar, you know he has no respect for you, you know he doesn't give a crap about what you are going through with your mother, you know he has no intention of being faithful and probably doesn't love you in the least...what is the point of staying exactly?


Kindly here, and support! To quote myself... "If I could just quite loving and hurting today, I would!" said Ben. It is not this simple! Greater is the person who loves... and loves, than the person who disavows!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> Kindly here, and support! To quote myself... "If I could just quite loving and hurting today, I would!" said Ben. It is not this simple! Greater is the person who loves... and loves, than the person who disavows!


Oh, I think it's exactly that simple. It's not _easy_, but it's quite simple.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Focus on you and your mom. This asshat will be around. You know the truth, he won't admit it, so...make a choice. Stay or leave.


The purpose of this site is 'support' not decision making without time. That is the important thing!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> Oh, I think it's exactly that simple. It's not _easy_, but it's quite simple.


Let us agree and give us thus... support the member we are trying to help support and again... thus help ourselves. I know this hurting... and it is not clear cut and dry!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> The purpose of this site is 'support' not decision making without time. That is the important thing!


I suspect she isn't going to run right out just because I suggested it. I posed my perspective to give her something to think about.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> Let us agree and give us thus... support the member we are trying to help support and again... thus help ourselves. I know this hurting... and it is not clear cut and dry!


I don't believe in supporting someone to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.

That is the beauty of an online forum on the internet. It's full of a variety of opinions. She asked what she should do, and I told her what I think. Just as you did. She can take what she needs, and leave the rest.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> I don't believe in supporting someone to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.
> 
> That is the beauty of an online forum on the internet. It's full of a variety of opinions. She asked what she should do, and I told her what I think. Just as you did. She can take what she needs, and leave the rest.


Correct. This lady is asking and I am telling her... TIME! Protect yourself and TIME! I would like all to read my story. It relates to time as all here and what we should do! It takes TIME!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well you could let him continue lying to you and cheating,

Or,

You could visit HR play the var and ask them to draw their own conclusions.

Now the var can't get him fired since technically it s in admissible as evidence, but it will tip off HR and they will be able to investigate knowing they aren't chasing smoke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Trying to get him fired is fighting the wrong fight. Then he'll be an unemployed cheating husband. Make that enraged unemployed cheating husband.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

ImperfectMomma said:


> So i put a VAR in my truck because I knew my H would be taking it. After I got home from the hospital tonight I listened and sure enough, while he knows my Mom is dying and I am spending all my time with out children or her, he is out with the 21 year old *****. I heard them kissing, talking about how much they missed each other, her work schedule, how he thinks I am insane because i think he is texting all the time and a bunch of nonsence about how I dont trust him and that's my fault. This is followed by him telling her that I found the 2time naked pics of her on his phone but to calm down babe, he erased them. He goes on. I called him at work and gave him one more chance to tell me the truth about if he's cheating or not and he said NO. So, i quoted so of what they said and told him to f*ck off and .....well, you can figure it out. The tape gets worse. My cousin came over to listen to it too and he comes in the door so she took it home quick for safe keeping and he is STILL telling me he didnt cheat. He says he saw the VAR and set this up to hurt me becausr i didnt trust him. Liar! I know he couldnt see it, you really had to crane to see it and i told him what was said so all he had to do is run out and then look under the seat then and see the velcro to know what happened. Turns out there is an investigation againat the 2time of them at work for the same thing because he is a supervisor and she is an employee. So, i got my proof which I sooo needed, now what do I do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


#1 Make a doctor's appointment to be tested for STDs. Tell the doc what's going on and if you need/want them, maybe talk about an Anti-D prescription. Then again, this is situational depression and the situation WARRANTS feeling sad, so you can elect whatever you want. 

#2 Practical tips. Buy some lotion kleenexes and some soup. You are going to be doing some crying cuz this HURTS!! If you don't have lotion kleenex, you'll chap your nose and eyelids from all the rubbing and then have salty tears in chapped skin. OUCH! And get soup because you have kids who need you. You need to do something to keep your strength up but who can eat!? Who can swallow past that lump in your throat!? Soup is nutritious and is something warm in the tummy at least. 

#3 Take care of some business. At this point the man you knew as your husband is NOT in the body of that guy who looks just like him. It's like invasion of the body-snatchers and the guy in the place of your husband is really a pod-person. Soooo you need to protect yourself and your kids. As soon as you can, get to the bank, get a balance on any joint accounts, and take out 1/2 and put those funds into an account that only YOU can get into. Legally you are entitled to half, and right now you can not trust him to NOT empty the account and run out with the mistress leaving you and the family high and dry! Yes, that's really mean but cheaters do that to their spouses all the time, so don't think "Oh he'd NEVER do that." He'd also never commit adultery! So get half the assets...and stick them in an account just for you that he can not drain. 

Next, make copies of and save all the "proof". Make a copy of the VAR recording. Download and/or print copies of the naked pics of the OW. Make copies of the phone bills showing the 100s or 1000s of texts. If possible, print and copy the texts or chats or emails...whatever. You want one copy you can give to him; one copy for yourself; and one copy that is stored away from everywhere and safe (like in an envelope, at the bank, in a lockbox with your name only...or in a locked drawer at work). This way when he tries to destroy the proof...you still have copies. 

Finally, just in general start educating yourself. Look up the divorce laws in your state--you can look on the internet or go to the library. Ask friends or family if they have a lawyer they'd recommend. Call some lawyers and set up a couple consultations to find one you like. Start checking out what the law says you can and can not do, etc. Get the forms for separation and divorce and read through them just so you're not afraid of them. The more you know, the less b.s. :bsflag: he'll be able to pull on you!! He may try, but you'll know better! Knowing ABOUT your rights doesn't mean you're going to pursue a divorce. Knowing a divorce lawyer who can give you advice doesn't mean you're going to divorce. It just means that you have your own backside covered, and when he tries to pull the wool over your eyes or threaten you so he can continue his affair, you'll know better. Okay? So just get SMART... and wait to make any decisions until you have been to the doc, taken those practical steps, and taken care of some business. 

Actually that's a lot right there.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your help. It is amazing to me that he can't even admit it knowing that i have proof. What does it hurt now? You have nothing to lose. I told him i wanted him to move out by tomorrow. I found out last night that in addition to my mom dying, my dad is now in intensive care. Really? How much more can I takr? He keeps saying that he knew the Var was there and that he doesnt normally talk to her but they had decided beforehand to meet up and discuss me and what he can do to work on our marriage and he found the VAR and wrote and note saying it was there and they were acting. Such a liar. You really cant act kissing boises and loving voices like that. Plus the things they were saying. Oh yeah, shes 21 years old and everything he hates. She smokes, has tatoos and is rough. Hes 37. Im thinking midlife crisis. One of his friends is concerned hes suicidal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ImperfectMomma, I don't believe in mid-life crises.

The mid-life crisis, IMO, is a myth that was created by people who wanted to abandon their responsibilities. It's a fabrication that's been adopted by popular culture and is used to justify all manner of selfish behavior.

Affaircare didn't mention this in her helpful post, but she had a husband who cheated on her at a hotel. Affaircare was able to view the video showing her husband with his AP. She confronted him and he claimed she had doctored the video!

Please don't spend one more second explaining how STUPID his excuses are for what you heard on the VAR. He has told you all you need to know: that he isn't sufficiently ashamed of what he's done to admit it to you. This is a level of PROFOUND disrespect. You thought he disrespected you by kissing her and exchanging lovey dovey whatever? That PALES in comparison to his having the audacity to lie in your face with this evidence.

Please go back and read Affaircare's post carefully. The part I'd concentrate on is getting legal advice. Many people fear taking a strong stance because they don't know what their rights are. Getting legal advice will help put you back in the driver's seat and give you some sense of control on this rollercoaster you are on.

He is a selfish pr*ck--don't dignify his excuses and don't dignify his stupid choices with a label like mid-life crisis--he doesn't deserve it!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's not having a MLC at 37. What he is having is a tramp who has no problem having sex with a married man and her supervisor.

I think you're going to have to hand him divorce papers before he actually gets that he isn't going to be able to lie and sweet talk his way out of this.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

norajane said:


> Trying to get him fired is fighting the wrong fight. Then he'll be an unemployed cheating husband. Make that enraged unemployed cheating husband.


Excellent point. If the CH is unemployed, he can't pay alimony and/or child support. 

With what I have against my CH, he could certainly be fired however one of my goals is alimony. So I will present my evidence in Court, and let the chips fall where they may as it's highly unlikely that the details revealed in Court will become known to his employer.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> I suspect she isn't going to run right out just because I suggested it.


Probably not, but the sad part is -- she should!

"Time" for WHAT, exactly? Him to fabricate more? I don't think so. Throw his azz out, protect yourself financially and emotionally as best you can, and THEN take your time deciding how you will move forward.


P.S. I second the above post -- listen intently to every word Affaircare delivers. While my marriage is ending, the counsel I received here in my early post-DDay times saw me through the darkest hours and I am eternally grateful to have had them and glad I listened...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Don't make any hasty decisions. Don't go to HR. No one here knows the outcome of your marriage and I suspect you don't either. You could have an unemployed husband and if you decide to R this could make things worse. If you decide to D it could make your situation worse. We do not know enough about your financial situation but bear in mind that an employed ex could provide you with income. You may not be thinking about money at this time but it could be a factor down the road.

Revenge can be sweet but be vary of acting on it to hastily.

This is one example of moving too quickly (IMO). You have the evidence but he is spinning it. If you waited and got more evidence he would have no wiggle room. I would imagine that most of us here on TAM would agree that he did not know about the VAR. You are seeing the typical cheater. Lies, lies and more lies. And of course it is your fault. You drove him to this other woman. The same old story line only the names are different. 

I would expose it. But my advice is that you leave his work out of it for the time being. You have time to expose it to HR but depending on the company they may not want to hear it. Since he is a supervisor they may be more inclined to hear what you have to say. But again tread slowly. You have time to expose it to his work place.

I am sorry you are here.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Agree with Thor, don't think he knew about the VAR, you must have let that out in the initial fight. And now he's gas lighting you by twisting it around.

If he did know about it and wanted to hurt you by pretending to have an affair, its no better. Still bad, bad, bad behavior either way.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

No, he didn't know. I actually quoted them so I know he must have ran out to the truck and searched. I have had some talks with some friends recently after exposing him and been given more information. I have vaguely questioned him about it because the one friend wants to confront him himself and try to get through to him. He looked me in the eye and lied. He had this girl meet up with them when the bar was closing, get food, take the friend home and didnt come home for another 3 hours after that. He also keeps denying he texts/calls her. I know he is using text plus or something similar. He is being caught be friends "texting" constantly and denies it still. This friend has been trying to get ahold of him and he is avoiding him so the friend text the girl and asked her to have the H get ahold of him. H text him back then. Funny thing is there were no text messages on his verizon. He is telling a bit of truth here and there but still lying like a star. I told him i cant be with him ever if he isnt truthful and he says he is. Too bad im not stupid. So here is my question, i have a recording of them on a VAR, how/ where do i get that copied on to cds or something of the sort? I want several copies and i thought i erased the original and dont want to take that chance again! Sorry about the spelling....on my cell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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