# What have I done...



## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

So I did something I thought I would never do. I signed up to ****** *******.com (A.M Looks like it blurts it out). I guess I know why I did it, but now that I have done it, I don’t know why. H and I have been married just over 3 years, been together around 5. Things have not been great. Our sex life is pretty well dead (maybe once a month) and I just don’t feel connected to him. So I made an account and started talking to a married man. We talked back and forth for only around a week and met on Wed. We just met at the beach and had coffee, nothing happened but lots of talking. Him and I text each other pretty much all day for the next few days and agreed to meet for lunch on Sat. We had a great time at lunch chatting and getting to know each other. Then once again we got coffee and sat in his car and talked for a few hours. He told me he found me very attractive and wanted to kiss me, I told him no, that I wasn’t ready. Sat night, we went out to the movies, he did kiss me on the cheek and now I just feel ill thinking about it. This man and I got along very well and had a lot in common when it came to our marriages, but that’s about it. I am not attracted to him and do not want anything from him. 

Now I just feel terrible. I look at H and just want to cry. I always said I would never have an affair and I now feel like I did. I just don’t know what to do. H has no idea about any of this, he thinks I went out with some girls from work, so yeah, of course I lied to him which I have never done before. So what now? I cried myself to sleep last night beside H and he didn’t even know it. I feel sickened and terrible. What now?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Cancel your membership. Tell your husband. Both of you get MC now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

3 Years and your sex life is dead. Is that in itself the writing on the wall. 

I agree you did the wrong. You are a horrible person for this. Tell your husband right away and get off that site. 

If you want to stay married your going to have to get these things out in the open and fixed as soon as possible. 

Clay


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> 3 Years and your sex life is dead. Is that in itself the writing on the wall.
> 
> I agree you did the wrong. *You are a horrible person for this.* Tell your husband right away and get off that site.
> 
> ...


Harsh, but thanks. I did cancel my membership already, and we are in MC, have been for monthsssssss. I still feel very lost.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why aren't you guys having sex? And connecting?

Something else going on?

Good for you for getting off that website. No good will come out of having an affair.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Why aren't you guys having sex? And connecting?
> 
> Something else going on?
> 
> Good for you for getting off that website. No good will come out of having an affair.


I would love to know why he doesn't want to have sex. He says since he is not experienced he feels like he isn't do it right or good enough (I am his first and only and he is mine). I would be ok with sex once a week even. I try to talk to him about this and he just doesn't want to talk about it. He just doesn't care about sex. It feels like we are roommates who sleep in the same bed. I love my H very much and being with this guy (who doesn't hold a candle to H looks wise) has really shown me how attracted I am to H and how I wish things were different with him, but it seems like I am the only one trying to change things.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Just a heads up, it will be very hard for your husband to believe you met this man multiple times and only kissed once. I say that because I have a hard time believing that.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I would love to know why he doesn't want to have sex. He says since he is not experienced he feels like he isn't do it right or good enough (I am his first and only and he is mine). I would be ok with sex once a week even. I try to talk to him about this and he just doesn't want to talk about it. He just doesn't care about sex. It feels like we are roommates who sleep in the same bed. I love my H very much and being with this guy (who doesn't hold a candle to H looks wise) has really shown me how attracted I am to H and how I wish things were different with him, but it seems like I am the only one trying to change things.


What does your counselor say about the sex? It is actually very selfish for a spouse to withhold sex, since that isn't really what you signed up for.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I would love to know why he doesn't want to have sex. He says since he is not experienced he feels like he isn't do it right or good enough (I am his first and only and he is mine). I would be ok with sex once a week even. I try to talk to him about this and he just doesn't want to talk about it. He just doesn't care about sex. It feels like we are roommates who sleep in the same bed.


Grr. Have you ever had a healthy sex life? Or was it always this way with him? How often do you have sex?

I am of the opinion that people rarely change. SO if he hasn't ever been into sex and still isn't into it, it's unlikely he will become passionate over it. The fact that he doesn't want to discuss it is another huge problem. 

Other possibilities - Gay? Involved with someone else?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> Just a heads up, it will be very hard for your husband to believe you met this man multiple times and only kissed once. I say that because I have a hard time believing that.


You can believe what you want. I did not kiss him, he kissed me and it was just on the cheek. He wanted much more from me, and I couldn't do it. I didn't feel attracted to this man at all once I was with him. He was very forward and it scared me, and this is why I knew I could not do this. I am not a terrible person, I made a **** choice and I am trying to get some advise on what to do about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you already made the first big step which was cancelling your membership to that idiotic site. Good for you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

No matter what is going on please sort it out with your husband before you get involved with anyone!!! Please, you are on this site you should know better.

Smack yourself in the forehead. What are you doing? Your going on dates? WTF 

You just put yourself on notice that there is a problem in your marriage it's big bad it's real. Figure it out.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Grr. Have you ever had a healthy sex life? Or was it always this way with him? How often do you have sex?
> 
> I am of the opinion that people rarely change. SO if he hasn't ever been into sex and still isn't into it, it's unlikely he will become passionate over it. The fact that he doesn't want to discuss it is another huge problem.
> 
> Other possibilities - Gay? Involved with someone else?


We used to have sex once or twice a week. Always when he was drinking though. I was his first as I said, but he was also mine. He has always been this way. The longest we ever went without was a believe a year or very close to it, and this was right after we got married. It killed me. I was so angry with him. I think this is why I did this. I figured if he is not going to help me out with my needs, then someone else can. Which is SO STUPID! I know he is not with anyone else. He is happy with his life and doesn't see why I am so unhappy.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Here is the problem you are going to face. Your story is not going to be all that convincing to your husband. He is going to make some connections that you are not giving him credit for. That web site is for sex. Not just kissing. Your going to have to give him full disclosure to every question if you want to repair this. 

You are going to have to be willing to give up your freedom. 

I would tell him right away and open all access up for him to see. 

Clay


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> No matter what is going on please sort it out with your husband before you get involved with anyone!!! Please, you are on this site you should know better.
> 
> Smack yourself in the forehead. What are you doing? Your going on dates? WTF
> 
> You just put yourself on notice that there is a problem in your marriage it's big bad it's real. Figure it out.


I agree with you 1000000%! I hate myself right now and cannot believe I have done this. I feel physically ill.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> You can believe what you want. I did not kiss him, he kissed me and it was just on the cheek. He wanted much more from me, and I couldn't do it. I didn't feel attracted to this man at all once I was with him. He was very forward and it scared me, and this is why I knew I could not do this. I am not a terrible person, I made a **** choice and I am trying to get some advise on what to do about it.


I did not post that as a judgment. I was just letting you know (as someone whose wife did "kiss" someone) that he will really struggle believing it. If everything you said is true, then I am very glad you are here, stopped the affair in its tracks, and are working on things.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you tell him you also need to accept he may not give you another chance. Plan accordingly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well the good thing is you feel bad which means you understand how bad going on hook up sites is...

Now by the same token: 



imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> We used to have sex once or twice a week.* Always when he was drinking though*. I was his first as I said, but he was also mine. *He has always been this way. The longest we ever went without was a believe a year or very close to it, and this was right after we got married*. It killed me.




How often do you have sex now.

I hate to say it but I think you married a low-drive man. If he won't put in the effort and actually sleep with you, when he's NOT drinking, then you may want to figure out if you want to stay in this sexless marriage or not. You sound very young and not having sex hardly ever only 3 years into your marriage is not a good sign if you are a person who wants to have sex with your husband.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> Here is the problem you are going to face. Your story is not going to be all that convincing to your husband. He is going to make some connections that you are not giving him credit for. That web site is for sex. Not just kissing. Your going to have to give him full disclosure to every question if you want to repair this.
> 
> You are going to have to be willing to give up your freedom.
> 
> ...


Yes I understand this. I know what the website is for, that's why I am so shocked with myself. I am have no self esteem and I could not imagine sleeping with someone I don't know, so its just ****ed up. I just don't understand what I was thinking!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Well the good thing is you feel bad which means you understand how bad going on hook up sites is...
> 
> Now by the same token:
> 
> ...


We have sex maybe once a month, twice if I am lucky. I can literally straddle him and he will get a boner and still not do anything about it. He tends to get hard for no reason sometimes. I ask him why and he just laughs it off and says he has no idea.

I want to be with my husband, I love him and have never felt comfortable with anyone but him, but I do not want to feel like this. I do not want to beg him for sex. I went out and got a toy the other day and he was mad about that, said it made him feel like he couldn't do that for me. I said well you won't so what do you want me to do? I have needs too. He just said he doesn't want to ever see it or hear it. So I am lost!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> So I did something I thought I would never do. I signed up to ****** *******.com (A.M Looks like it blurts it out). I guess I know why I did it, but now that I have done it, I don’t know why. H and I have been married just over 3 years, been together around 5. Things have not been great. Our sex life is pretty well dead (maybe once a month) and I just don’t feel connected to him. So I made an account and started talking to a married man. We talked back and forth for only around a week and met on Wed. We just met at the beach and had coffee, nothing happened but lots of talking. Him and I text each other pretty much all day for the next few days and agreed to meet for lunch on Sat. We had a great time at lunch chatting and getting to know each other. Then once again we got coffee and sat in his car and talked for a few hours. He told me he found me very attractive and wanted to kiss me, I told him no, that I wasn’t ready. Sat night, we went out to the movies, he did kiss me on the cheek and now I just feel ill thinking about it. This man and I got along very well and had a lot in common when it came to our marriages, but that’s about it. I am not attracted to him and do not want anything from him.
> 
> Now I just feel terrible. I look at H and just want to cry. I always said I would never have an affair and I now feel like I did. I just don’t know what to do. H has no idea about any of this, he thinks I went out with some girls from work, so yeah, of course I lied to him which I have never done before. So what now? I cried myself to sleep last night beside H and he didn’t even know it. I feel sickened and terrible. What now?


Your H has a big confidence issue in the bedroom. since you claim to be going to lots if therapy, then it should be known at thus point he needs affirmation from you and instead you go looking to scratch your itch elsewhere. This does not say much for your morals and value as a wife. You most likely just destroyed any chance of him feeling confident around you. In his mind you will have desired better co** in you and this will destroy him. Like the other poster already said, he will not believe you did not get laid, that is what that site advertises after all and you were so uncomfortable with the OM you went with him multiple times. 

Hopefully you can be better for your next H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I'm going to do a little.... dirty talking 
What I see here is flat passion! Both of you are your first, and that makes me think that even if you are married you might be both a little... shy. Has ther been passion before? Is it always "the classic" way you both make love? What I'm trying to say is maybe sex life is just a must, without that special feeling wanting to be something more......
The reason why i say this is because you wrote that in the beggining at least 2 times a week happend... but when he was a little high on alcool. Being this way the shyness is less....
sorry for my english but I hope I managed to get the idea of what might be the problem....


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Was he raised in a way that made him think sex is "shameful"?


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

If I may jump in. I am a very poor sex partner for a number of reasons and nothing helped. I tried to learn to be better at it and sex became a chore. When she kept making disapointed noises and looked at me with a bit of contemt I gave up and quite trying.My wife was so upset with me that we stopped having sex 24 years ago. She had an EA or PA soon afther our son was born. We separated for a year and she dated two men, both losers and I believe had sex with one of them. Our relationship got so bad that we separated for four years, but reconnected after the four years. We have worked on being closer and more together and we have both changed. The I found out (last June) that while we were separated she had sex with 9 different men, and was orgasmic with each one. She also did a few things that I find repulsive. I have found that knowing all here lovers were better at sex than I am or ever will be has driven the heart out of me. I don't want to have sex with her and Im not sure I can stand being with her much longer. She also mentioned that she stopped have sex with me because she didn't trust me, but she can't explain what that means. I feel weak, humiliated and defeated. I can imagine that your husband must feel something like I feel.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> He told me he found me very attractive and wanted to kiss me, I told him *no, that I wasn’t ready*. Sat night, we went out to the movies, he did kiss me on the cheek and now I just feel ill thinking about it. This man and I got along very well and had a lot in common when it came to our marriages, but that’s about it. I am not attracted to him and do not want anything from him.


By inference, you virtually guaranteed this guy that a kiss was in the future, just not now. It "feels" like you were cheating because, well, you were. 

Pay attention to what others tell you on this forum. They'll be very blunt and you'll not find a lot of warm fuzzies from them. But in case that "kiss" was really only a kiss and not cheaters code for full-on PIV or oral, you can take the advice you receive here and change your course immediately. You must end the relationship leaving the OM with any misunderstandings about this never happening again. You'd better NOT cancel your membership, or delete your email messages or texts, and go to your husband like TONIGHT and tell him everything. Deleting and cleaning up the trail will only dig a deeper hole out of which you will have to climb.

And in the end, you say how sorry you are to your H. But this will crush him. It's gonna get ugly. And you'll just have to put up with his lack of trust in you for maybe years. 

I have no idea who you even are and my stomach is unhappy reading what you did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How old are you guys?

What I am reading here is: 

He doesn't want to have sex with you (unless he is drunk)
He doesn't want to talk about why he doesn't want to have sex with you
He gets mad you bought a toy and said he will not discuss this further--no more

None of this sounds like a good thing.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

jack.c said:


> I'm going to do a little.... dirty talking
> What I see here is flat passion! Both of you are your first, and that makes me think that even if you are married you might be both a little... shy. Has ther been passion before? Is it always "the classic" way you both make love? What I'm trying to say is maybe sex life is just a must, without that special feeling wanting to be something more......
> The reason why i say this is because you wrote that in the beggining at least 2 times a week happend... but when he was a little high on alcool. Being this way the shyness is less....
> sorry for my english but I hope I managed to get the idea of what might be the problem....


I believe you are right. It is always the classic way, no fun stuff at all. We are both very self conscious (I have lost 150lbs very quickly before I met him, so my body is messed up from that) and he just thinks he could look better, like when we first met, he was more muscle, but I tell him how handsome he is and tell him I am glad he is mine and he is the most handsome husband. I have tried to do some more in the bedroom but he is just not wanting too. I mean blow jobs for him are ok (for me to give) but he wont let me see him naked. He has only ever touched me vaginaly twice, and I think we both enjoyed it. But he just doesn't have the need for it I guess.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I mean blow jobs for him are ok (for me to give) but he wont let me see him naked. He has only ever touched me vaginaly twice, and I think we both enjoyed it. But he just doesn't have the need for it I guess.




I would not be able to stay in a marriage like this.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> It sounds like he needs to get over his embarrassment and realize that "boners" don't need to be ignored...buy some books, try some soft porn, like the cheesy stuff on Cinemax at night. Anything, tell him it is part of showing love. Speak to him in his language and you might need to ease into it with the lights out kind of thing.
> 
> It could be worse. He can get it up and you are attracted.


I believe he sometimes watches porn on TV without me. He has come up the last few times we have had sex, after I have been in bed for awhile and he will just crawl into bed with a hard on and then we go for it. So I believe he is watching something.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Your husband comes and tells you that he met with someone whom he arranged a "meeting in a car" from some stupid site. And adds that nothing happened, they just kissed, no no, she kissed him on the cheek but he stopped it.

Would you believe him? You know your husband, we don't. Would he believe your story?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> How old are you guys?
> 
> What I am reading here is:
> 
> ...


I am 31 and he is 35. And yes to everything else. No it is not a good thing.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> Your husband comes and tells you that he met with someone whom he arranged a "meeting in a car" from some stupid site. And adds that nothing happened, they just kissed, no no, she kissed him on the cheek but he stopped it.
> 
> Would you believe him? You know your husband, we don't. Would he believe your story?


I would believe him, I would also be crushed and angry. I am not sure how he is going to feel. I am not sure what I would feel. I do not withhold sex from my H. When he wants it, he gets it. He is also happy in our marriage and thinks all is good, I do not and have told him this yet it continues to get no better.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm at bit of a loss for words. That's a rarity. 

I guess it can happen I mean there aren't really classes on how to be a good lover. But there is no shortage of all kinds of books and videos on the subject. I was reading those when I was a virgin.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

People that do this kind of stuff actually try to minimize the problem. They down play any reasonable logical thinking all together. If your husband came and told you that he had done what you did. You would already have pain in your eyes. You would say well your not sleeping with me so you MUST be sleeping with someone else. 

Really its best you backup. Talk to him tonight and hope for the best.

Clay


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I would believe him, I would also be crushed and angry. I am not sure how he is going to feel. I am not sure what I would feel. I do not withhold sex from my H. When he wants it, he gets it. He is also happy in our marriage and thinks all is good, I do not and have told him this yet it continues to get no better.


Now you have two problems rolled into one. You seemed to want to really just bring this matter to a head. 

Now you have but you are going to have to deal with what your confession does to your husbands already fragile ego.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> People that do this kind of stuff actually try to minimize the problem. They down play any reasonable logical thinking all together. If your husband came and told you that he had done what you did. You would already have pain in your eyes. You would say well your not sleeping with me so you MUST be sleeping with someone else.
> 
> Really its best you backup. Talk to him tonight and hope for the best.
> 
> Clay


I called our MC and we are now going in tomorrow night. I will tell him then. I already feel sick about this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your thread is kind of reminding me of Sex and the City when Charlotte married the "perfect guy on paper" and she was so happy with him--except for the fact he never wanted to have sex with her.

You are 31. Still young to be in a sexless marriage! The only time those work is when both people accept it and/or want it. You are in for a long lonely road with this guy I think.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Your thread is kind of reminding me of Sex and the City when Charlotte married the "perfect guy on paper" and she was so happy with him--except for the fact he never wanted to have sex with her.
> 
> You are 31. Still young to be in a sexless marriage! The only time those work is when both people accept it and/or want it. You are in for a long lonely road with this guy I think.


I assure you, this is my life. I wish it was different and now I cannot take this back. It's just terrible.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Why did you even stay married? If you really don't have a sex life after three years is that not a serious issue in the relationship? 

Clay


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Clay.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> Why did you even stay married? If you really don't have a sex life after three years is that not a serious issue in the relationship?
> 
> Clay


I love my Husband and do not want to be without him. I took my vows seriously and want to be with him. I want to be able to work on things and I hope we can.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And if he continues to not have sex with you? Do you want that?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I love my Husband and do not want to be without him. I took my vows seriously and want to be with him. I want to be able to work on things and I hope we can.


I think you just broke those vows? There are a lot of people on this site that can get passed this. I am not one of those guys. I tried for ten years. I failed. The moment you signed up to that site you signed your name to your divorce papers. 

Did you really take your vows seriously. No you did not. 

I am not trying to be mean but really do you not see this?

Clay


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I will acknowledge this you did come to this site to seek help. You sound like you are trying to be a better person. I hope for your sake you husband is not like me. 

I would be helping you pack your bags tonight. 

Clay


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I think you both need to have a frank and honest conversation in front of the MC tomorrow night....

You need to be honest.

You need to get Mr a Happy to open up about all the issues.

And do not leave the MC tomorrow until you both have a course of action planned and you both agree on it.

HM


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Your thread is kind of reminding me of Sex and the City when Charlotte married the "perfect guy on paper" and she was so happy with him--except for the fact he never wanted to have sex with her.
> 
> You are 31. Still young to be in a sexless marriage! The only time those work is when both people accept it and/or want it. You are in for a long lonely road with this guy I think.



Yes, it really does. Some people have a really puritanical view (like Trey on the show). He also had mommy issues.

MC is going to be interesting. It isn't going to be easy but the right thing usually isn't the easiest.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I called our MC and we are now going in tomorrow night. I will tell him then. I already feel sick about this.


every so often I'm not in a judgemental mood so I just go with it. you seem sincere OP. you do need to tell your husband what you did. I think he will believe how limited your physical contact with the other guy was.....eventually. though you know him better than any of us do.
On the sex front it sounds like he's not rejecting you so much as he is fearful of his sexual abilities. he is not denying you sex so much as he is willing to do at a frequency much less than you want/need and lacking quality/passion when it does occurr. Can I assume your MC cenetrs mostly on sexual issues (??)

to know when to throw in the towel you will have to weigh all sorts of factors. in any case if you at least separate from him - with the understanding that you're at the end of your rope and that your separation will one in which you both can see other people - then at least you are not deceiving him or lying to him. and as you go out the door he might get an epiphany to worek harder than he ever has at changing his attitudes......


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > I love my Husband and do not want to be without him. I took my vows seriously and want to be with him. I want to be able to work on things and I hope we can.
> ...


You are so right, I did break my vows. I didn't even think of that. I am coming in here for advise. I knew people were going to judge and I understand that. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt H.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> You are so right, I did break my vows. I didn't even think of that. I am coming in here for advise. I knew people were going to judge and I understand that. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt H.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


You have already hurt him you just haven't told him. I don't envy you.

I'm really not judging you. Do you know what the heck you were thinking as you took each step? Set up the account, started chatting, arranged to meet, then having the [email protected] to actually go on dates! That is bold! So I don't get you NOT having the courage to tackle your sex problems instead of doing this crap. 

I know I sound harsh but do you even know ? Cause he's going to want to.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> You are so right, I did break my vows. I didn't even think of that. I am coming in here for advise. I knew people were going to judge and I understand that. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt H.


What were your vows? If it was "forsaking all others" that's generally accepted to be "no adultery," not a few hours of conversation and a kiss on the cheek.

Now, your husband has failed in regards to his marital obligations to you, so he is the one who has broken the implicit marriage contract.

How is that he came to be 32 years old and sexually inexperienced? 

Is he a churchgoer? 

Does he have to be half-lit on booze before he's willing to have sex with you?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I think you may need to see a MC that specializes in sexual disfunction. A healthy man in his early 30's wants to have lots of sex. If he does not it sounds like he has some sort of problem that he doesn't want to deal with.

You were wrong to do what you did but you did good in coming here. You're taking your licks well too. Hang in there and keep asking questions. We do want to help you.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > You are so right, I did break my vows. I didn't even think of that. I am coming in here for advise. I knew people were going to judge and I understand that. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt H.
> ...


I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted to find someone in the same position as me that I could talk to. I know what the website is and I know it was not a good idea. I did it anyways. I figured I didn't need to use it and most of the guys totally creeped me out. Maybe I am very naive, I don't know. My profile even stated I was looking for a friend and someone to talk to. It all moved so damn quickly I didn't have time to really let it register. And not until I had spent that time with him did I realize how unattractive he was to me and how much I find my H so damn attractive. We need work, our relationship is not great Bs has never been. But I want to work on it. Maybe it would have made me feel better to have someone want me and tell me they wanted me. But it didn't feel good at all it made me uncomfortable and want my H more. Even when we were watching a movie I was thinking about H and how if he was here with me, we would be cuddling. It's just ****ed

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > You are so right, I did break my vows. I didn't even think of that. I am coming in here for advise. I knew people were going to judge and I understand that. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt H.
> ...


He's 35 and he lived a very sheltered life. Dad was a military man and mom babied him. He was like moms friend as dad was gone so much over the years. He had a few girlfriends but nothing serious. He is very quiet and I am very loud and excitable. He also moved around from michigan to Washington then to Virginia. He was a late bloomer for everything. Didn't get his licence till he was in his late 20's and didn't move out till he was 30. His mom still did his laundry and bought his toiletries when I met him. He is not a church goer.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Okey I am Believing you that it just went as far as a kiss on the cheek.

*So listen and engrave in your mind what I am about to write*, I really hope you you believe what I am about to write because I have seen many cases when even when warning the OP before something unfixable happens they don't believe until is too late.

this man who is telling you have attractive you are, how good you make him feel, how esxpending time with you is so special, don't give a damn dime for you, for him you are not even a human you re a object for his satisfaction, he knows you a prone to cheat (or at least he believes so) for the way you contacted each other, he knows that is your first time so he is taking it slow focusing in your emotions because that is the way he will take you to bed.

don't believe a fu**ing Word he says, he will tell you that his wife is cold and and taking him for granted to appeal to you (even if his wife is loving, caring and the perfect wife) he will keep filling your ego of how wonderful, attractive you are, it does not matter if you are not physically attracted to him, you can easily end cheating with him, because he is filling a void you feel from your husband right now (it has happened before to other OPs here).

so you have to cut any communication with this man who sees you just as a sexual toy who he have to work a Little before having his fun.

Now reagarding you husband

I swear to you that he is not really aware how bad things are between you two and the importance of sex for you in the relationship, so you have to do the following:

you are going to sit him, and explain him everything, how you feel, how the lack of sex is making a emotional void in you, and you are going to be hones about the AM account and what has happened so far.

he will open the eyes in shock and disbelief, but he will finally realize how bad things are, he will probably call you names (wh*re, B*tch, prostitute) but he will finally calm down and he will ask you if you really just went of some dates and there was just kiss on the check.

yes you will even suggest a polygraph to reausure him, you will give him exact times of any encounter and give all the information about this other man.

of course he will doubt you, he will think you did something more with the OM, but as long as you are honest a you provide full tranparency, (as mails between you two, messages, the datta of the account, the polygraph test) he will end believing you (not inmmediatly).

He will be hurt,m but hi will also realize that some changes are necessary, for us man as long as the bond of physically loyalty had not been broken we still thinki as if ther is a fighting chance, as is our partner loved us a was able to stop herself for going futher for that bond (I know it sound macho but is like that), but you have to confess as fast as possible the more time you let pass the least he will believe you if he founds out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> This man and I got along very well and had a lot in common when it came to our marriages,


*
Yeah, you sure do!*

*You both are looking to stab your faithful, trusting spouses in the back!*

Oh, sorry. That doesn't sound* nearly* so special now, does it?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

sandc said:


> I think you may need to see a MC that specializes in sexual disfunction. A healthy man in his early 30's wants to have lots of sex. If he does not it sounds like he has some sort of problem that he doesn't want to deal with.
> 
> You were wrong to do what you did but you did good in coming here. You're taking your licks well too. Hang in there and keep asking questions. We do want to help you.


What do you mean by problem? Could there be something wrong with him medically? I hope not. I know I was wrong and I knew I would get jumped on here and I understand that and I thank everyone for the advise good or bad

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I assure you, this is my life. I wish it was different and now I cannot take this back. It's just terrible.


"Woe is me" is not helping you, nor is it helping your husband.

I'll ask "why is divorce not an option", you'll respond "because I love him". I'll ask "Then why did you cheat on him", you'll respond "I don't know."

I'll advise "tell him what you have done just like you did to us." You'll respond "no it will crush him." I'll ask "then why did you cheat on him" and you'll respond "I don't know."

Yeah, I don't know too.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

manticore said:


> Okey I am Believing you that it just went as far as a kiss on the cheek.
> 
> *So listen and engrave in your mind what I am about to write*, I really hope you you believe what I am about to write because I have seen many cases when even when warning the OP before something unfixable happens they don't believe until is too late.
> 
> ...


Thank you for all of this. I thought about this also and have told him not to contact me again. He said that's fine. I will not be contacting him and luckily he has no idea where I live or work so it will be fine. As for sitting H down, I have done that and it does to change a thing. He really just says nothing to me. He doesn't want to talk about anything. He things things are just fine. I have left him before for a few days and he said he realiEd how scary that was but yet, things didn't change for long. Everything is blamed on me and not him. He thinks I make him the way he is.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> > This man and I got along very well and had a lot in common when it came to our marriages,
> 
> 
> *
> ...


Thanks for the info. I realize that now.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

did you also tell him about the AM account, the dates and the kiss?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > I assure you, this is my life. I wish it was different and now I cannot take this back. It's just terrible.
> ...


Again, thanks for the info. No help there.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

manticore said:


> did you also tell him about the AM account, the dates and the kiss?


Not yet. I will talk to him tomorrow at MC.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> What do you mean by problem? Could there be something wrong with him medically? I hope not. I know I was wrong and I knew I would get jumped on here and I understand that and I thank everyone for the advise good or bad
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Yep. Possibly a hormone dysfunction. Not all that uncommon, but easily fixed, usually, with the right treatment.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> So I did something I thought I would never do. I signed up to ****** *******.com (A.M Looks like it blurts it out). I guess I know why I did it, but now that I have done it, I don’t know why. H and I have been married just over 3 years, been together around 5. Things have not been great. Our sex life is pretty well dead (maybe once a month) and I just don’t feel connected to him. So I made an account and started talking to a married man. We talked back and forth for only around a week and met on Wed. We just met at the beach and had coffee, nothing happened but lots of talking. Him and I text each other pretty much all day for the next few days and agreed to meet for lunch on Sat. We had a great time at lunch chatting and getting to know each other. Then once again we got coffee and sat in his car and talked for a few hours. He told me he found me very attractive and wanted to kiss me, I told him no, that I wasn’t ready. Sat night, we went out to the movies, he did kiss me on the cheek and now I just feel ill thinking about it. This man and I got along very well and had a lot in common when it came to our marriages, but that’s about it. I am not attracted to him and do not want anything from him.
> 
> Now I just feel terrible. I look at H and just want to cry. I always said I would never have an affair and I now feel like I did. I just don’t know what to do. H has no idea about any of this, he thinks I went out with some girls from work, so yeah, of course I lied to him which I have never done before. So what now? I cried myself to sleep last night beside H and he didn’t even know it. I feel sickened and terrible. What now?


DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT ME 

You are broken in spirit before anything happened, GOOD JOB!! No, cancel the membeship and do individual counseling, read some marriage books there are 10's of thousands, rekindle the spark with your husband, BUT DO NOT TELL HIM A FREAKIN WORD

If you do I promise unequivocally your marriage will go to $HIT in a heartbeat. It may never recover for what to appease your guilt? 

Squash it, focus on your husband, and forget it!! You obviously love your husband and got caught up fo a couple weeks.

Confession is retarded in your situation!! I'm a husband btw!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT ME
> 
> You are broken in spirit before anything happened, GOOD JOB!! No, cancel the membeship and do individual counseling, read some marriage books there are 10's of thousands, rekindle the spark with your husband, BUT DO NOT TELL HIM A FREAKIN WORD
> 
> ...


Yes! Because if he finds out later by accident, or if the OM confronts him, why that'd be so much better, right? No. Not al all.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT ME
> 
> You are broken in spirit before anything happened, GOOD JOB!! No, cancel the membeship and do individual counseling, read some marriage books there are 10's of thousands, rekindle the spark with your husband, BUT DO NOT TELL HIM A FREAKIN WORD
> 
> ...


This must be by far the worst advice I've seen on TAM.

I read your post again, again, and then again, and decided that no sarcasm was in the mix, while I'm slightly drunk and English is not my main language. It still remains the worst.

"..before anything happened"

Of course. They just kissed, not worth a mention.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> He's 35 and he lived a very sheltered life. Dad was a military man and mom babied him. He was like moms friend as dad was gone so much over the years. He had a few girlfriends but nothing serious. He is very quiet and I am very loud and excitable. He also moved around from michigan to Washington then to Virginia. He was a late bloomer for everything. Didn't get his licence till he was in his late 20's and didn't move out till he was 30. His mom still did his laundry and bought his toiletries when I met him. He is not a church goer.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


In that case, he is most likely gay. When he comes to bed with a boner, he's probably been watching gay porn.

Alternatively, he is straight but has very low testosterone and is a porn junkie. 

On those rare occasions when you have sex, how long can he go before climaxing and how much time does he need before round two?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Also, you should not confess anything to your husband. No adultery, so there is nothing to confess. He sounds like he's got plenty on his male "no confidence" plate without you adding to it. You'll be doing him a big favor by carrying this burden (to the extent that it is one) your ownself.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> This must be by far the worst advice I've seen on TAM.
> 
> I read your post again, again, and then again, and decided that no sarcasm was in the mix, while I'm slightly drunk and English is not my main language. It still remains the worst.
> 
> ...


The guy kissed her on the cheek. It's nothing.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

[invisible post]

I was gonna write "Who is this shapeshifter and what has it done with the real Machiavelli", but I knew better.

On with the show.

[/invisible post]


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Thank you for all of this. I thought about this also and have told him not to contact me again. He said that's fine. I will not be contacting him and luckily he has no idea where I live or work so it will be fine. As for sitting H down, I have done that and it does to change a thing. He really just says nothing to me. He doesn't want to talk about anything. He things things are just fine. I have left him before for a few days and he said he realiEd how scary that was but yet, things didn't change for long. Everything is blamed on me and not him. He thinks I make him the way he is.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_



You are flip flopping a lot here.

Making it sound as if you love your H but have no hope you can ever get him to be "normal" sexually. He won't listen...well what the heck does he think you are seeing a marriage counselor for? An oil change? 

He does have a problem. More than one, an unsatisfied and wayward wife, an issue dealing with sex and facing it is a problem.

You have issues. His sex drive sounds very, very low. Does he masturbate (my guess is yes but won't admit it or talk about it). 

My bet is you'll chicken out of telling him. But if you don't fix the problem that is your sex life you are done.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> OhGeesh said:
> 
> 
> > DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT ME
> ...


That will not happen. He said he wasn't surprised as he could tell I wasn't all there with this whole thing. He knew something was up I guess he just thought I would **** him anyways. He will not confront my H, he doesn't even know him and has no way to contact him.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

manticore said:


> Okey I am Believing you that it just went as far as a kiss on the cheek.
> 
> *So listen and engrave in your mind what I am about to write*, I really hope you you believe what I am about to write because I have seen many cases when even when warning the OP before something unfixable happens they don't believe until is too late.
> 
> ...



Read that every hour if you have to. Nothing but the truth. Believe and memorize it. You couldn't have gotten better words from any shrink.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> [invisible post]
> 
> I was gonna write "Who is this shapeshifter and what has it done with the real Machiavelli", but I knew better.
> 
> ...


The only way this can be fixed for the lady is to move on to a guy with the proper reproductive equipment/mindset. I've seen to many of these deals where the H waits until he's married 10 years and's got 2 or 3 kids and announces he's gay and moves into the Gayhetto. Very tough on the little boys.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> What do you mean by problem? Could there be something wrong with him medically? I hope not. I know I was wrong and I knew I would get jumped on here and I understand that and I thank everyone for the advise good or bad
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Medically or mentally. Point is, men in their 30's are like boy scouts, always prepared. He may have something as simple as low testosterone, or ED, or something really complicated like, he's questioning his sexuality. All we can do is speculate until he sees some specialists.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Yes! Because if he finds out later by accident, or if the OM confronts him, why that'd be so much better, right? No. Not al all.


You are assuming that someone will find out silly. One is 100% certainty the other is clearly not.

If she is already broken sharing only serves to "appease" her guilt and it rarely works as the $hit storm that ensues will make life 100x worse for all involved.

Ingorance is bliss is true people just don't like to feel they are being played or were played.

The FACTS are their reality is better if she keeps quiet there is no debating that!!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you for all of this. I thought about this also and have told him not to contact me again. He said that's fine. I will not be contacting him and luckily he has no idea where I live or work so it will be fine. As for sitting H down, I have done that and it does to change a thing. He really just says nothing to me. He doesn't want to talk about anything. He things things are just fine. I have left him before for a few days and he said he realiEd how scary that was but yet, things didn't change for long. Everything is blamed on me and not him. He thinks I make him the way he is.
> ...


He thinks it's just for communicating. He has a hard time talking with me about things. He just gets upset and I **** down. We have been better communicating but the sex has no increased at all. Once a month is pretty normal for us. I don't know if he master bates or not. The MC asked him and he almost died in the chair. He just said to her I will not talk about that and she let it go.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> The only way this can be fixed for the lady is to move on to a guy with the proper reproductive equipment/mindset. I've seen to many of these deals where the H waits until he's married 10 years and's got 2 or 3 kids and announces he's gay and moves into the Gayhetto. Very tough on the little boys.


And OP, if I wasn't clear enough, this is the other alternative I was getting at. He sounds like a latent homosexual. He's tried to live up to his family's expectations but is finding out that he's really on the other team.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

sandc said:


> Machiavelli said:
> 
> 
> > The only way this can be fixed for the lady is to move on to a guy with the proper reproductive equipment/mindset. I've seen to many of these deals where the H waits until he's married 10 years and's got 2 or 3 kids and announces he's gay and moves into the Gayhetto. Very tough on the little boys.
> ...


Holy ****. How am I supposed to figure this out? I don't think he is gay.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > He's 35 and he lived a very sheltered life. Dad was a military man and mom babied him. He was like moms friend as dad was gone so much over the years. He had a few girlfriends but nothing serious. He is very quiet and I am very loud and excitable. He also moved around from michigan to Washington then to Virginia. He was a late bloomer for everything. Didn't get his licence till he was in his late 20's and didn't move out till he was 30. His mom still did his laundry and bought his toiletries when I met him. He is not a church goer.
> ...


Sorry just saw this - when we have sex it's quick. He climaxes very quick if I allow it. But I am usually getting him so he is almost there, then we will have intercourse. He has never given me an orgasam. Oh sorry he did last time we were intimate using his hand. His penis is quite small too. I don't know what this "round 2" is you speak of. There has never been one.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Holy ****. How am I supposed to figure this out? I don't think he is gay.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


It doesn't sound like you know a whole lot for sure t this point.

Trust others when they tell you my Granny is getting more sex than you. Something isn't right.

At some point sex drive over rides any shyness. You are there and willing. He likes you giving him oral, but he has only touched your lady bits twice? Something is wrong sister, I wouldn't rule anything out. Even his immaturity should put him at gets a boner when a breeze goes by and wants it daily.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> You are assuming that someone will find out silly. One is 100% certainty the other is clearly not.
> 
> If she is already broken sharing only serves to "appease" her guilt and it rarely works as the $hit storm that ensues will make life 100x worse for all involved.
> 
> ...


It's not worth risk. 

Someone I know had an affair when he was working away in a town 100 miles away. He reasoned that there was no harm as his wife would never find out.

Guess what? By chance his fling partner came to live in their town and got a job at his wife's firm. At the Christmas party she got drunk, approached his wife and boasted about having had her husband.

Three years later things are still very rocky between them.

So who is being silly?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT ME
> 
> You are broken in spirit before anything happened, GOOD JOB!! No, cancel the membeship and do individual counseling, read some marriage books there are 10's of thousands, rekindle the spark with your husband, BUT DO NOT TELL HIM A FREAKIN WORD
> 
> ...


*My God, you are a user with 1k posts so I can't believe your advice here, if you have been this long in TAM you should know that users who don't confess and let this kind event happen later have two kinds of problems, they are found out and the Spouse don't believe a Word they said and ruin the relationship (there are a couple here recently with that problem, the husband openend an account never used it, even passed polygraph but the wife just does not belive him because she found out without him telling her), or they keep the emotinal affair and begin a PA later because the OM keep pushing and the BS is unaware of the problem (like Mia's case where she posted about a EA never confessed, OM keep pushing and it become PA, one year later she was here telling everybody we were rightr about confessing)*

I have to asume someone hacked your account or you have never read other people's thread here.

Worst advice in TAM ever made a by a real user


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster, I am going to put a different spin on this...

Do you not get that the two of you ( you and your husband ) are supposed to protect each other? That is, in part, your roles for one another...

How the frack is he supposed to protect you when you are lying to him?

Do you realize you could have gotten sexually assaulted or worse?

What on earth are you thinking?

Never mind how destructive this is to your marriage, your trust in one another, etc... 

Do you have any freaking idea how dangerous your shenanigans are?

you are lucky all OM did was kiss you...

Never mind how unethical this is, it was just plain stupid and dangerous.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster, I am going to put a different spin on this...
> 
> Do you not get that the two of you, you and your husband are supposed to be protecting each other? That is, in part, your roles for one another...
> 
> ...


I do see this now. I know I am lucky nothing else happened. I wish I knew what I was thinking and how I could have done this. I honesty feel like in wasn't me. I don't know how else to explain it.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > Holy ****. How am I supposed to figure this out? I don't think he is gay.
> ...


I have also been very hard to deal with. I have lost a lot of weight and feel terrible and disturbed about my body and didn't let him touch me for a long time. I would always have my shirt on when we had sex and wouldn't let him touch me anywhere. It's taken me years to be able to allow him to touch me. So maybe I have done this and caused this turmoil. I don't know. I tell him I love him and want him but it doesn't change anything.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I have also been very hard to deal with. I have lost a lot of weight and feel terrible and disturbed about my body and didn't let him touch me for a long time. I would always have my shirt on when we had sex and wouldn't let him touch me anywhere. It's taken me years to be able to allow him to touch me. So maybe I have done this and caused this turmoil. I don't know. I tell him I love him and want him but it doesn't change anything.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


It sounds like the both of you have a lot of performance anxiety at this point... even discussing it makes you both anxious...

Work on it in MC.

Stay away from creeps on the internet...


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Thanks Allen. I plan to stay away from any creeps.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Holy ****. How am I supposed to figure this out? I don't think he is gay.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_





imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Sorry just saw this - when we have sex it's quick. He climaxes very quick if I allow it. But I am usually getting him so he is almost there, then we will have intercourse. He has never given me an orgasam. Oh sorry he did last time we were intimate using his hand. His penis is quite small too. I don't know what this "round 2" is you speak of. There has never been one.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


This guy has probably had a low T level all his life. He needs a doctor and a shrink.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Thanks Allen. I plan to stay away from any creeps.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


When your husband gets upset over this.. and he will or he's just plain out of touch... try to remember that in part is going to be fear talking about the harm that could have come to you.

Do not take his rage too personally... some of that is going to be sincere concern for your welfare, and the shock of how reckless your choices were.

You almost got a world more than you bargained for ... you really need to count your blessings and stop sneaking around...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> He thinks it's just for communicating. He has a hard time talking with me about things. He just gets upset and I **** down. We have been better communicating but the sex has no increased at all. Once a month is pretty normal for us. I don't know if he master bates or not. The MC asked him and he almost died in the chair. He just said to her I will not talk about that and she let it go.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


 From what you have described, it's clear that you have a very immature man, a Mama's boy and I think that Mama must have told him that sex was a bad thing and when the MC asks if he masturbates and gets bent out of shape and refuses to talk about it then it's up to you

You got a choice. You could and should turn the TV off, sit down next to him and tell him that his immaturity and lack of showing you any kind of intimacy is putting a severe strain on your relationship and he either gets the help he needs to be more attentive to your needs or you see the marriage coming to an end.................but you screwed up.

What you did was something that will make him call Mama up and cry on her shoulder telling her that "Your right Ma, women are bad." You jumped the gun and now anything you say is going to be met with a deaf ear. Sorry

IMO, I would tell him what you did, and if he goes home to Mama crying, then file for divorce.

What you did was wrong. Make no mistake and judging by the replies you got, most agree but when your married to a man who refuses to let go of Mom's apron strings, then it's time to let go and find someone who can take care of your needs. I think you'll be doing that after he finds out about your little fling.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> As for sitting H down, I have done that and it does to change a thing. He really just says nothing to me. He doesn't want to talk about anything.* He things things are just fine.* I have left him before for a few days and he said he realiEd how scary that was but yet, things didn't change for long. Everything is blamed on me and not him. He thinks I make him the way he is.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_





imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Not yet. I will talk to him tomorrow at MC.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


In my original post when I wrote about sitting him down and explaining how bad things are for you, I also wanted to remark the immportance of the AM account and the fact that there is a OM in the picture

See something about men that women usually don't understand is that we since childhood are told that women are never satisfied no matter what we do, we hear that women all the time complain and that they are never happy, that they will always want more from us, so women complains are normal in relationship and we just have to endure it and in mosts cases ignore it and they will let go any issue with time.

*I am not joking here, fathers, uncles, older friends say that women will always complain so you just have to endure it*

unfortunatly this is the common role model for most men.

your husband don't realize that things are soo bad for you that you were about to cheat with another man, I am sure that this new information will give him a new perspective of the whole matter.

but you have to be totally honest about this OM and how he tried to lure you into something else, he have to realize how close you were of betraying him, and how your complains are not easy rants that he can discard and everything will be alright.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm going to take a guess here and say that your old man is rubbing it out on alot of porn.

If it was me I would go all James Bond on his @ss and investigate.

Something is up and if you want to have an effective confrontation then you need to confront him with the facts.

It suck to have to spy on your old man, but until you do you haven't a clue in what you are battling.

And if I'm wrong and you find no porn but maybe soem other crap like ED or what ever he is searching online then you at least have the knowledge to confront him and face this crap head no matter if he likes it or not...cuz the alternitive is bailing on his sexless butt.

In short if you want to fight for this marriage then gets some intel on what you need to attack. So start by looking at his search history on his computer. And if it empty the get some spygear/keylogger.

I pray that I am way off and you find nothing, then you can start checking things off the list.

Alls I'm saying is any guy that can't admit to rubbing one out now and again has issues...or maybe its just me? he sure got real defensive when he was asked...thats all I'm saying...


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

the guy said:


> I'm going to take a guess here and say that your old man is rubbing it out on alot of porn.
> 
> If it was me I would go all James Bond on his @ss and investigate.
> 
> ...


Yeah I agree. I don't think he has some sort of porn fetish, I just think he watches it every so often, I mean I am talking maybe 4 times this has happened. As for looking into his computer, I don't think he is doing anything wrong, I trust him. I just want him to have sex with me. That's it. He did get very offensive when she asked him about masterbating, but he's very quiet so I don't know.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Given this is in the wake of a betrayal I don't think investigating this guy's internet browsing history is going to put you two in a healthier place right now.

First thing's first, deal with the infidelity...


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

6301 said:


> From what you have described, it's clear that you have a very immature man, a Mama's boy and I think that Mama must have told him that sex was a bad thing and when the MC asks if he masturbates and gets bent out of shape and refuses to talk about it then it's up to you
> 
> You got a choice. You could and should turn the TV off, sit down next to him and tell him that his immaturity and lack of showing you any kind of intimacy is putting a severe strain on your relationship and he either gets the help he needs to be more attentive to your needs or you see the marriage coming to an end.................but you screwed up.
> 
> ...


This thread is starting to get some kinda comedy club rhythm to it I don't know.......

OP telling your husband about your near affair is the right thing to do..........because he will then leave you, then you will have no choice but to find a normal guy. :scratchhead:


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> This thread is starting to get some kinda comedy club rhythm to it I don't know.......
> 
> OP telling your husband about your near affair is the right thing to do..........because he will then leave you, then you will have no choice but to find a normal guy. :scratchhead:


Lol. My husband will not leave me. I have no doubt about that, I know he will be hurt and upset but I have to agree with some of the posters and maybe this will show him how serious I am that he needs to deal with these issues. This is NOT why I did this, I made a stupid choice and I now have to live with the guilt. I am glad you find this comical, *but I do not*.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Given this is in the wake of a betrayal I don't think investigating this guy's internet browsing history is going to put you two in a healthier place right now.
> 
> First thing's first, deal with the infidelity...


I don't plan to do this. He has given me no reason to think he is doing anything wrong.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Lol. My husband will not leave me. I have no doubt about that, I know he will be hurt and upset but I have to agree with some of the posters and maybe this will show him how serious I am that he needs to deal with these issues. This is NOT why I did this, I made a stupid choice and I now have to live with the guilt. I am glad you find this comical, *but I do not*.


Forgive me. I don't really find your situation funny. Just some ironies involved.......


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> *My husband will not leave me.*.


I would never keep that in my head. He might not leave you but you might wished he had if this goes badly. 

Clay


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

IHBD, like i said (wrote) before..... I think that the main problem is being to shy to talk seriusly about it. I'm guessing that he needs in bed an ALPHA woman..... when you have desire just start it and shhhhhh him gently. whisper how much you love him and dont be afraid showing it. Thers nothing impossible when love is shown.
Do I sound strange saying this?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Yeah I agree. I don't think he has some sort of porn fetish, I just think he watches it every so often, I mean I am talking maybe 4 times this has happened. As for looking into his computer, I don't think he is doing anything wrong, I trust him. I just want him to have sex with me. That's it. He did get very offensive when she asked him about masterbating, but he's very quiet so I don't know.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Earlier, you mentioned that you were his first and he was your first. Based on your posts, that means he was a virgin until about 31-32, and you were one until about 27-28. What reason did he give for not having sex before then? What were your reasons?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

jack.c said:


> IHBD, like i said (wrote) before..... I think that the main problem is being to shy to talk seriusly about it. I'm guessing that he needs in bed an ALPHA woman..... when you have desire just start it and shhhhhh him gently. whisper how much you love him and dont be afraid showing it. Thers nothing impossible when love is shown.
> Do I sound strange saying this?


I like this Jack, thank you. 



Tall Average Guy said:


> Earlier, you mentioned that you were his first and he was your first. Based on your posts, that means he was a virgin until about 31-32, and you were one until about 27-28. What reason did he give for not having sex before then? What were your reasons?


I believe I was 26 and he was 30, older, yes. But I do not see how this is bad. I was VERY overweight through my late teens and early adult years. I had surgery to loss weight (150lbs) just before I met H, and really had no boyfriends growing up. I used to be very withdrawn and just had a few best friends and that's about it. There is no other reason as to why I had not had sex other than that. As I posted before about H, he had a few girlfriends but nothing serious. He was very babied by his mom and moved around a lot so he didn't get comfortable in one place until moving to Virginia in around 2004 I believe. He is VERY quiet and keeps to himself. He had a few good friends in VA once of which I found out gave him blow jobs in the back of his car, but nothing else. She turned out to be a lesbian. I mean I never asked why he was a virgin and he didn't ask me, so I can only assume from what I know.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> What now?


Divorce your husband while it will still be relatively simple to do so.

Because if you think this fickle feeling you have will go away with time, think again. You haven't even hit the 7 year itch yet in your marriage and already looking to hook up with other men.

Do him a favor and file.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Harsh, but thanks. I did cancel my membership already, and we are in MC, have been for monthsssssss. I still feel very lost.


What good is MC if your husband doesn't know the complete truth?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Divorce your husband while it will still be relatively simple to do so.
> 
> Because if you think this fickle feeling you have will go away with time, think again. You haven't even hit the 7 year itch yet in your marriage and already looking to hook up with other men.
> 
> Do him a favor and file.


Wow. I don't even know what to say to this. I know what I did was wrong, this is why I am looking for help, but I do NOT want to leave my husband. Things are rough, yes, but we do love each other. I want to be able to work things out and get to the bottom of all of this. I am not sure if you are married or not, but damn. This is ridiculous!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

BeautifulDisaster,
Do like jack.c suggests and initiate sex yourself and be someone agressive about it. Give that a few months. But there are some high drive guys out there that are aching for a woman like you. You can't expected to live in a sexless marriage. No one should. Give him a chance but if he doesn't come around, file. Let him bring in a room mate that he doesn't have to have sex with. And you can find someone who will leave you tired and happy.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

sandc said:


> BeautifulDisaster,
> Do like jack.c suggests and initiate sex yourself and be someone agressive about it. Give that a few months. But there are some high drive guys out there that are aching for a woman like you. You can't expected to live in a sexless marriage. No one should. Give him a chance but if he doesn't come around, file. Let him bring in a room mate that he doesn't have to have sex with. And you can find someone who will leave you tired and happy.


I will try this. I don't want to leave him, this is truly not what I want. But thank you for your input


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Wow. I don't even know what to say to this. I know what I did was wrong, this is why I am looking for help, but I do NOT want to leave my husband. Things are rough, yes, but we do love each other. I want to be able to work things out and get to the bottom of all of this. I am not sure if you are married or not, but damn. This is ridiculous!


Nope, not ridiculous at all. I've been there, done that, with someone just like you. I even forgave her for, what some would consider, a small infraction much the same as yours. 

Did almost losing me straighten her up? Nope. Again, you are only a couple years in and already betraying him. It isn't going to get better for you and your curiosity of other men.

But if you want to work it out and get to the bottom of it all, then tell your husband what you did. Because anything else will be him feeling shamed into doing the heavy lifting in this marriage because he will think he is the only one with major problems in this relationship.

So let me get this straight, you want to get to the bottom of it ALL, but don't want him to know ALL? You want it your way.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

> I will try this. I don't want to leave him, this is truly not what I want. But thank you for your input


I know. And I think you should give him some time and chances. But it's not fair to either of you to live this way for years and years. Eventually it will drive you crazy and eventually you will hurt him. Neither of you deserve that.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Nope, not ridiculous at all. I've been there, done that, with someone just like you. I even forgave her for, what some would consider, a small infraction much the same as yours.
> 
> Did almost losing me straighten her up? Nope. Again, you are only a couple years in and already betraying him. It isn't going to get better for you and your curiosity of other men.
> 
> ...


He doesn't think there is a problem at all. He doesn't understand why I am unhappy. This is one of the problems, clearly. When did I say I didn't want him to know it all? What is all to you? I have never been unfaithful or lied to my H before this. I made a very stupid choice and now will live with it. I did not say I didn't want to tell him. I will tell him, I believe he needs to know.



sandc said:


> I know. And I think you should give him some time and chances. But it's not fair to either of you to live this way for years and years. Eventually it will drive you crazy and eventually you will hurt him. Neither of you deserve that.


I agree with you 100%. I do not want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I don't deserve to be unhappy and he doesn't deserve someone who is unhappy and angry with him. I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what is going thru his mind.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> . I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what is going thru his mind.


Trust but verify.
I still think you need to quitely look into his computer and cell phone.

Since he is not talking you need to find out on your own!!!!!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I agree with you 100%. I do not want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I don't deserve to be unhappy and he doesn't deserve someone who is unhappy and angry with him. I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what is going thru his mind.


You can only do what you can do. Start talking to him. Tell him you're unhappy and why you're unhappy. If he doesn't respond or is dismissive of your complaints, then tell him about signing up on the website and meeting a man. If that doesn't get his attention then maybe that's your answer.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

sandc said:


> I know. And I think you should give him some time and chances. But it's not fair to either of you to live this way for years and years. Eventually it will drive you crazy and eventually you will hurt him. Neither of you deserve that.




:iagree:

Once you tried all that is possible, touching the right cords, you have nothing to blame yourself. File and move on


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> He doesn't think there is a problem at all. He doesn't understand why I am unhappy.


He doesn't think so now. But as time goes by and going to counseling helps him see things, he just might try to improve from his side of things while not knowing the MAJOR problem you need to address....which you won't address with him...the fact that you are more than capable of cheating and its only 2 years into the marriage.




> This is one of the problems, clearly. When did I say I didn't want him to know it all?


You said, and I quote, "I made a stupid choice and I now have to live with the guilt" This here, saying you will live with the guilt, tells me you have no intentions of telling him. You are just going to live with it.





> What is all to you?


I am someone that was in your husband's shoes. Again, been there, done that.




> I have never been unfaithful or lied to my H before this.



So what? How is that relevant? Its not.




> I made a very stupid choice *and now will live with it*.


Again, you will live with it. Hence, you aren't going to tell him.




> I did not say I didn't want to tell him. I will tell him, I believe he needs to know.


Then don't say you will "live with it". That indicates otherwise.

Great, so this is a step towards doing the right thing and being truthful to your H. So let us know when you tell him. I can tell you what to more than likely expect from his reaction to it.

And a bit of advice on another note. You are going to get advice and comments from people who were the shoes that your H is wearing now. You may want to understand just the kind of mindset that your H might have when he finds out. Being defensive of comments from those that more than likely reacted the way your H might doesn't bode well.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

vellocet, I agree with you mostly.... but.....
We here dont know exactly what kind of person is her husben... I mean being vergin for a male at 30 means having a personality a little different from the most (i'm guessing you included).... now saying this and taking for sure that she got only a kiss on a cheek, I dont think its a good idea to alarm him making him create mindgames that in this moment is not healthy.
Your story (that i do not know, but at this point i will read) is EXACTLY the same? Honestly I believe that in this case we can close an eye..... Am I wrong?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> _He doesn't think so now. But as time goes by and going to counseling helps him see things, he just might try to improve from his side of things while not knowing the MAJOR problem you need to address....which you won't address with him...the fact that you are more than capable of cheating and its only 2 years into the marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_It doesn't bother me what others are saying. I understand what you are saying and I am only defending myself here and my H. I am being honest with everyone on here so they can better understand my situation and help me. I AM NOT looking for pity and not looking to make friends, I was just looking for some advice. Pretty sure I can handle myself. This is my H and I can only hope I know him well enough to know he will not leave me. IF this is something he chose to do, then I would have to live with that also. I would be VERY shocked if he did that, its not like him. We have been thru a lot in the years we have been together and I don't believe this would be what he wants. _


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

jack.c said:


> vellocet, I agree with you mostly.... but.....
> We here dont know exactly what kind of person is her husben... I mean being vergin for a male at 30 means having a personality a little different from the most (i'm guessing you included).... now saying this and taking for sure that she got only a kiss on a cheek, I dont think its a good idea to alarm him making him create mindgames that in this moment is not healthy.
> Your story (that i do not know, but at this point i will read) is EXACTLY the same? Honestly I believe that in this case we can close an eye..... Am I wrong?


Exactly. I am the only one who knows H and knows what he has been thru. I don't know if he has something physically wrong with him, would you want your wife to leave you if there is help that can be given?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jack.c said:


> vellocet, I agree with you mostly.... but.....
> We here dont know exactly what kind of person is her husben... I mean being vergin for a male at 30 means having a personality a little different from the most (i'm guessing you included).... now saying this and taking for sure that she got only a kiss on a cheek, I dont think its a good idea to alarm him making him create mindgames that in this moment is not healthy.
> Your story (that i do not know, but at this point i will read) is EXACTLY the same? Honestly I believe that in this case we can close an eye..... Am I wrong?


But are you saying that keeping him in the dark and lying to him is a good thing for a marriage?

And if being a virgin until 30 makes him mentally unstable or something, then surely OP wouldn't have married him? Or would she? She also was his first.

Either way, I think the advice to not come clean is bad. Because what will happen is nothing will get resolved, whether it be he snaps out of it and cowtows to her, or decides he doesn't want to be with a cheater.
And if it does get resolved without telling him, he will think that he is the only problem here and if she doesn't tell him, I guarantee you he will be made to feel like its all him.

But she already clarified that she will tell him. So we'll have to wait and see how it plays out for him.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> And if being a virgin until 30 makes him mentally unstable or something, then surely OP wouldn't have married him? Or would she?


Please tell me this is a joke? Not everyone is like you. He didn't sleep with every vagina he saw or every woman who wanted him too sleep with him, is this a crime? Pretty sure its not. He is not mentally unstable. That's one of the things that attracted me to him, that he hadn't been with the whole town. I find it hard to believe there are so many people on here who see this as such a bad thing, when it really, isn't.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK I am going to jump back a bit. You did have an Affair, it is called an emotional affair. It is cheating lets get that out there. You need to tell him what you have done and I would do it in MC. If you do not tell him you are going to carry the guilt around and it will not make anything better for either of you. Also he deserves to know what you did, how you betrayed your promise to him.

As far as the sex goes, does he have high blood pressure, low T or any other condition, has he seen a doctor. Also are there any religious issues in your marriage like, sex for procreation only, Any abuse issues in his past?

Money issues and fatigue can take it out of a guy as well.

I think honesty is needed in for the Affair and your sexual needs.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Please tell me this is a joke?


Don't tell me. I didn't make the assertion that somehow your husband could not handle being told the truth because he was a virgin until 30. jack.c did.




> Not everyone is like you. He didn't sleep with every vagina he saw or every woman who wanted him too sleep with him, is this a crime? Pretty sure its not. He is not mentally unstable. That's one of the things that attracted me to him, that he hadn't been with the whole town. I find it hard to believe there are so many people on here who see this as such a bad thing, when it really, isn't.


You need to go back and read more. I wasn't the one asserting he somehow couldn't handle things mentally.
I threw out a question based on what jack.c said. Because I don't believe there is something wrong with a man that is a virgin until 30. One of my best friends was one until 32, because he simply didn't have the best luck with women.

Here, I'll have to repost it for you in case you glossed over it.



jack.c said:


> We here dont know exactly what kind of person is her husben... I mean *being vergin for a male at 30 means having a personality a little different from the most *(i'm guessing you included).... now saying this and taking for sure that she got only a kiss on a cheek, *I dont think its a good idea to alarm him making him create mindgames that in this moment is not healthy*.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Please tell me this is a joke? Not everyone is like you. He didn't sleep with every vagina he saw or every woman who wanted him too sleep with him, is this a crime? Pretty sure its not. He is not mentally unstable. That's one of the things that attracted me to him, that he hadn't been with the whole town. I find it hard to believe there are so many people on here who see this as such a bad thing, when it really, isn't.


It's not a crime but it's outside the norm. My wife was a virgin when I married her and I treasure that about her. But she was 20, not 30. It's rare enough that we have to consider it when we think about your situation. That's all.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

mahike said:


> OK I am going to jump back a bit. You did have an Affair, it is called an emotional affair. It is cheating lets get that out there. You need to tell him what you have done and I would do it in MC. If you do not tell him you are going to carry the guilt around and it will not make anything better for either of you. Also he deserves to know what you did, how you betrayed your promise to him.
> 
> *I understand this. I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG! I have not once said he caused me to do this and it was ok. This was NOT ok, that's why I am here...for advise! *
> 
> ...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

> Originally Posted by *imhisbeautifuldisaster*
> I agree with you 100%. I do not want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I don't deserve to be unhappy and he doesn't deserve someone who is unhappy and angry with him. I just wish he would talk to me and tell me what is going thru his mind.


Here is the crux of the problem. It's difficult for MOST couples to calmly discuss difficult subjects. And sometimes, we haven't even explored the tough subjects OURSELVES enough because they're so difficult that we can't even articulate what's going on to ourselves, much less to our partner. There's a lot you're both not sharing, not just with each other, but perhaps in his case, with himself. This is NOT a healthy situation for any marriage. 

To develop deep emotional level marriage communication skills and to safely explore and expose difficult material, you have to be VERY confident in the skills of your MC. You both have to feel that there's a good alliance with the therapist, that there's a feeling of complete safety in the counseling office. The counselor can't help the COUPLE if one or the other isn't on board. Make sure you're BOTH feeling good about the one you have. If not, I suggest trying the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists (because believe it or not, not all marriage counselors are marriage friendly).

Do NOT be afraid to change, even if you've invested a lot of time in one counselor. If you haven't made much progress in MC, that may in fact be a good indication that a change IS due. You reached out to "someone new" in a bad way - maybe it's time to reach out to someone new in a good way, for the sake of your husband, for the sake of your marriage, and yes, for your own happiness' sake.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Here is the crux of the problem. It's difficult for MOST couples to calmly discuss difficult subjects. And sometimes, we haven't even explored the tough subjects OURSELVES enough because they're so difficult that we can't even articulate what's going on to ourselves, much less to our partner. There's a lot you're both not sharing, not just with each other, but perhaps in his case, with himself. This is NOT a healthy situation for any marriage.
> 
> To develop deep emotional level marriage communication skills and to safely explore and expose difficult material, you have to be VERY confident in the skills of your MC. You both have to feel that there's a good alliance with the therapist, that there's a feeling of complete safety in the counseling office. The counselor can't help the COUPLE if one or the other isn't on board. Make sure you're BOTH feeling good about the one you have. If not, I suggest trying the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists (because believe it or not, not all marriage counselors are marriage friendly).
> 
> Do NOT be afraid to change, even if you've invested a lot of time in one counselor. If you haven't made much progress in MC, that may in fact be a good indication that a change IS due. You reached out to "someone new" in a bad way - maybe it's time to reach out to someone new in a good way, for the sake of your husband, for the sake of your marriage, and yes, for your own happiness' sake.


Thank you so much for this. I think our counselor is great, but H doesn't. He doesn't like that she is very forward, she asks him about things he doesn't want to talk about, with me or anyone. I don't see this as a bad thing. These things need to be talked about. I am willing to change, and I have changed, but I don't know if H is. He is happy with life and doesn't see why I am not. I said last time at our MC's that I have considered separating and I feel stuck, and she really didn't say much, just asked me why I felt this way. I am sure she has heard it all. I am seeing her tonight on my own as H is very sick, so we will see what happens tonight.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I think at this point I would stick with your plan. Go see the MC and then talk to your husband. The sooner you talk to him the better. 

Keep in mind once you tell him its now his choice what to do and you should back off and respect him. Give him time to think things through and let him decide what he feels best for him. If he decides to work things out with you then great if not then you should own this mistake to its entirety and respect his decision. 

I hope for your sake he is willing to work with you and fix your marriage. 

Clay


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> I think at this point I would stick with your plan. Go see the MC and then talk to your husband. The sooner you talk to him the better.
> 
> Keep in mind once you tell him its now his choice what to do and you should back off and respect him. Give him time to think things through and let him decide what he feels best for him. If he decides to work things out with you then great if not then you should own this mistake to its entirety and respect his decision.
> 
> ...


Thank you Clay, I agree and will do this.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Please tell me this is a joke? Not everyone is like you. He didn't sleep with every vagina he saw or every woman who wanted him too sleep with him, is this a crime? Pretty sure its not. He is not mentally unstable. That's one of the things that attracted me to him, that he hadn't been with the whole town. I find it hard to believe there are so many people on here who see this as such a bad thing, when it really, isn't.


No there is certainly nothing wrong with waiting that long to lose ones virginity. However it is also very, VERY unusual. Even for men who keep their virginity for reasons of faith or other good reasons will usually stumble somewhere along the way. In fact, I've heard that for some men who do want to hold on to their virginity for their future wives, that is one motivator for them to find their wife and marry her quickly!

For the record, it is admirable for a guy to have been able to keep it to himself and wait for "the one" and I suppose if it is really true that he was a virgin that long and doesn't have any other disorders of any kind, then that is wonderful for you. With that said, I'd be far, far more likely to believe that he is either Asexual, has extremely low testosterone, is in the closet, or has lied about his virginity. All of those scenarios just seem WAY more likely.

I managed to graduate high school as a virgin (intentionally!) and lost it to my future wife shortly thereafter. Even at that time, in 2001, I think that was considered somewhat of an achievement for a male.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> No there is certainly nothing wrong with waiting that long to lose ones virginity. However it is also very, VERY unusual. Even for men who keep their virginity for reasons of faith or other good reasons will usually stumble somewhere along the way. In fact, I've heard that for some men who do want to hold on to their virginity for their future wives, that is one motivator for them to find their wife and marry her quickly!
> 
> For the record, it is admirable for a guy to have been able to keep it to himself and wait for "the one" and I suppose if it is really true that he was a virgin that long and doesn't have any other disorders of any kind, then that is wonderful for you. With that said, I'd be far, far more likely to believe that he is either Asexual, has extremely low testosterone, is in the closet, or has lied about his virginity. All of those scenarios just seem WAY more likely.
> 
> I managed to graduate high school as a virgin (intentionally!) and lost it to my future wife shortly thereafter. Even at that time, in 2001, I think that was considered somewhat of an achievement for a male.


Guess I have a lot to figure out then. But I still don't see a problem with him being a virgin till we met and got together. I think it is guite admirable.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Wait a minute... when i wrote vergin at 30 it did'nt mean his MENTAL INSTABLE!!!! It ment that he has a DIFFERENT way of thinking.... different morals..... different in many things then the most of us. Now that doesnt mean he is instable!!!
So since this is the situation, we need to understand that his way of thinking is it bit more sensible..... NOT TELLING HIM THAT HIS WIFE HAD A MOMENT OF "FEELINGS" WITH A KISS ON A CHEEK is that bad! She understands perfectly this.... she managed to stop it. 
Why upset a sensible person like her husben? If she would've gone further in that case it is different... but a kiss on the cheek? comm'on!
I also believe that since he has some profound principles, by talking with the heart in her hand, everything gets solved.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Exactly. I am the only one who knows H and knows what he has been thru. I don't know if he has something physically wrong with him, would you want your wife to leave you if there is help that can be given?


If my wife would have ANY type of problem, I demand that she talks about it.... staying in silence certainly will not help. If my wife calmly whisper to my ear to go further sexualy... you bet what you want that I will!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

jack.c said:


> Wait a minute... when i wrote vergin at 30 it did'nt mean his MENTAL INSTABLE!!!! It ment that he has a DIFFERENT way of thinking.... different morals..... different in many things then the most of us. Now that doesnt mean he is instable!!!
> So since this is the situation, we need to understand that his way of thinking is it bit more sensible..... NOT TELLING HIM THAT HIS WIFE HAD A MOMENT OF "FEELINGS" WITH A KISS ON A CHEEK is that bad! She understands perfectly this.... she managed to stop it.
> Why upset a sensible person like her husben? If she would've gone further in that case it is different... but a kiss on the cheek? comm'on!
> I also believe that since he has some profound principles, by talking with the heart in her hand, everything gets solved.


I don't believe you meant that at all, I believe the other poster did, but whatever. Thanks for the advise


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Wow. I don't even know what to say to this. I know what I did was wrong, this is why I am looking for help, but I do NOT want to leave my husband. Things are rough, yes, but we do love each other. I want to be able to work things out and get to the bottom of all of this. I am not sure if you are married or not, but damn. This is ridiculous!


Not really - you made a conscious effort to seek out an affair very early on in your marriage. For many people, that's enough to end a marriage. I haven't read the entire thread - does your husband know? It should be his decision to make - armed with that knowledge.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I don't believe you meant that at all, I believe the other poster did, but whatever. Thanks for the advise


ok, it was just to clarify.
Again I believe that with the right approach you can solve everything with no problem. If he still doesent get it..... then you need to put your foot down and tell him that you cant live this way without consequences


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

jack.c said:


> ...tell him that you cant live this way without consequences


Like her signing up for an affair and meeting the guy? Wait...


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Healer said:


> Like her signing up for an affair and meeting the guy? Wait...


ok.... 
She talks... trys to get him to understand, trys to find how to fix it, etc.... but nothing. Then she trys to understand on her own way: *the wrong way!* But she realizes the mistake and stops it before it got out of hand. How many would of done the same?
Now... before all gets to ugly, she is trying the recuperate the situation and she is doing it in sincere feelings and not like most of the WW that I read about.
Yes she signed up, but understood it was wrong.... now what?
I think that speaking about the problem she is having in total honesty with her husben, in a delicate kind of way, the problems would be solved. Nothing seriusly happend that would not allow this.....


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

You guys fall for the same shyt every time.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

What a turn of events I have had. Went to see our MC and she think H is abusive to me. We went thru a work book and answered a bunch of guestions about the way he treats me and most of which were yes. I am in shock and just don't know what to think right now. She said she cannot see him and I anymore but would like for me to come alone from now on. Said she is scared for me and thinks the couples stuff is just making it worse for me. She said I ahouls get a plan in order and even if I don't use it, it's there. Said she is afraid for me for when I go away with him to visit his family in VA for Christmas and also need a plan of escape there. I just don't know what to do now.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would not rush into anything. I am not saying her assessment is not good or valid I would possibly get a second opinion. My Oldest Daughter was in counseling most of her life and I can tell you its a crap shoot with some of those people. 


Do you feel he is abusive to you? Do you feel threatened? Does he physically hurt you or threaten to do so? 

Is it mental abuse? 

Clay


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> What a turn of events I have had. Went to see our MC and she think H is abusive to me. We went thru a work book and answered a bunch of guestions about the way he treats me and most of which were yes. I am in shock and just don't know what to think right now. She said she cannot see him and I anymore but would like for me to come alone from now on. Said she is scared for me and thinks the couples stuff is just making it worse for me. She said I ahouls get a plan in order and even if I don't use it, it's there. Said she is afraid for me for when I go away with him to visit his family in VA for Christmas and also need a plan of escape there. I just don't know what to do now.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


She went through a workbook and decided that, based on that alone, that your husband is abusive? 

Oh, you know an abusive person. It is that so-called counsellor!

Sack her. She is a charlatan. This is a serious point: Have you checked her bona fides?:scratchhead:


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> I would not rush into anything. I am not saying her assessment is not good or valid I would possibly get a second opinion. My Oldest Daughter was in counseling most of her life and I can tell you its a crap shoot with some of those people.
> 
> 
> Do you feel he is abusive to you? Do you feel threatened? Does he physically hurt you or threaten to do so?
> ...


I feel he is emotionally abusive. She has been seeing us for almost a year and she has heard it all. He treats me like **** most of the time. He is very controlling and wants everything his way. His dad is a piece of work and this is who he has learned it from. I do not feel lie he would physically hurt me but it scares me that she is so scared for me. I don't feel like she is a crap shoot. Not at all

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Sounds like this "therapist" is trying to justify your behavior. You know the answer to this question yourself: is he abusive toward you or not?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > What a turn of events I have had. Went to see our MC and she think H is abusive to me. We went thru a work book and answered a bunch of guestions about the way he treats me and most of which were yes. I am in shock and just don't know what to think right now. She said she cannot see him and I anymore but would like for me to come alone from now on. Said she is scared for me and thinks the couples stuff is just making it worse for me. She said I ahouls get a plan in order and even if I don't use it, it's there. Said she is afraid for me for when I go away with him to visit his family in VA for Christmas and also need a plan of escape there. I just don't know what to do now.
> ...


Wow. I should not have even posted about this as no one knows the whole story. She meets with both of us and see how he treats me and how he reacts to things. Anyways I should not have wrote this in here. It's just not worth it

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Wow. I should not have even posted about this as no one knows the whole story. She meets with both of us and see how he treats me and how he reacts to things. Anyways I should not have wrote this in here. It's just not worth it
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Well, this is why trickle truthing is not helpful. If you only share a part of the story, that's all people can comment on.

First you say the diagnosis was based on a workbook, now you are telling us it was based on a year of her observations of his being abusive to you.

Which was it? The workbook exercise? Or a year of her observations?:scratchhead:


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

This is really not good. You need to deal with both these things. You might have to consider getting out of the marriage. It seems like the odds are stacking against you at this point.

Clay


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Healer said:


> Sounds like this "therapist" is trying to justify your behavior. You know the answer to this question yourself: is he abusive toward you or not?


Actually she brought all of this up before I said anything. First guestions she asked me was "do you think H is abusive to you?" I said yes sometimes. I believe he is emotionally abusive and withhold sex from me to gain control. He knows he can control that. My family has been concerned for a long time but I guess my love for him keeps me here.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > Wow. I should not have even posted about this as no one knows the whole story. She meets with both of us and see how he treats me and how he reacts to things. Anyways I should not have wrote this in here. It's just not worth it
> ...


I hope you realize that you are not very helpful on here. Your constant remarks and ridiculous comments cannot be taken seriously. I didn't say based in the workbook only, I as using that as an example. My family doctor even brought this up to me a few weeks ago. Asking if I was looking in on myself what would I say to her. I said that she deserves better and deserve more respect. I try to keep things to myself and hope things aren't as bad as they seem. It was the MC who is trained to see these types of things who really opened my eyes to see that more and more people are telling me the same thing. Now I just need to figure out what to do with the info. I don't want to be without H but I also don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I'm sorry you don't understand that MattMatt but that's what it is. I wish you could put yourself in other peoples shoes and think of there feelings before you make your comments.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Our MC refuses to even see us individually (except for a single individual session for each of us near the very beginning of our counseling, which was a "getting to know you" thing). There is a risk of this very kind of turn of events, even if the counselor doesn't intend for it to happen. Things can start to tilt in the direction of making the absent person the "bad guy." (Speaking of tilting toward making him the bad guy, did your emotional affair come up in the session, by the way?) MC is supposed to be treating the COUPLE as an entity, and when the individuals start being seen outside of couple's counseling, the individual's needs can start taking precedence over the needs of the couple. It's generally considered BAD form. At least by marriage friendly therapists.

If you start seeing this therapist individually, I can pretty much *guarantee* you that you will end up divorced. If that's what you want, become her individual counseling client. If you want to see if your marriage can be saved, the last thing you need now is individual counseling. You need a GOOD marriage counselor that you both like.

The very fact that your husband didn't have a good feeling about her says a lot. Maybe he picked up on the fact that she didn't like HIM. "Abuse" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, and sometimes the word itself is abused. Some counselors have "issues" - yes, they aren't always the mentally healthiest people out there. (Some of them go into this field because they had problems themselves - unfortunately, not all of them are really in a good place from which to be coaching and teaching others yet!) If someone pushes their buttons, they may see things in people that aren't really there - and due to confirmation bias, they will find ways to prove it. 

You had an affair, you feel guilty and go to a counseling session alone and very upset (though it's not clear if you confessed the affair to the counselor); you come out of this session with your counselor saying your husband is an abuser?? This does not compute.

From the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists:

"Individual therapy may undermine more marriages than even poor couples therapy. Because relationship problems are the main problem people bring to individual therapists, individual therapists are treating marriages whether or not they realize it. Unless the therapist has values that support marriage and is careful not to turn the non-present partner into a villain, individual therapy can undermine a marriage. Every experienced marriage therapist has heard these stories: a spouse goes into individual therapy, receives support for a one-sided view of the marriage problems, and becomes increasingly pessimistic about the marriage. The therapist then questions why the person stays in an obviously bad marriage. The other spouse is clueless that the marriage is unraveling in therapy and is not informed until it's too late. These therapists do not intend harm, but often their orientation is to the personal happiness of their individual client who is distressed in a marriage, without enough regard for the welfare of the other spouse...."


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Look, I say it again OP, doesn't matter how much you love the guy. A schlub is a schlub and you need to get out of this marriage before you condemn yourself to a life of misery. He is not going to change. He may lose a little weight and be nice for a while but it sounds like his behaviors are pretty well set in. Free yourself and enjoy a life of not having to go to a MC to tell you what you know deep down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Our MC refuses to even see us individually (except for a single individual session for each of us near the very beginning of our counseling, which was a "getting to know you" thing). There is a risk of this very kind of turn of events, even if the counselor doesn't intend for it to happen. Things can start to tilt in the direction of making the absent person the "bad guy." (Speaking of tilting toward making him the bad guy, did your emotional affair come up in the session, by the way?) MC is supposed to be treating the COUPLE as an entity, and when the individuals start being seen outside of couple's counseling, the individual's needs can start taking precedence over the needs of the couple. It's generally considered BAD form. At least by marriage friendly therapists.
> 
> If you start seeing this therapist individually, I can pretty much *guarantee* you that you will end up divorced. If that's what you want, become her individual counseling client. If you want to see if your marriage can be saved, the last thing you need now is individual counseling. You need a GOOD marriage counselor that you both like.
> 
> ...


We have been seeing a counsellor through the catholic family services. She counsels individuals and couples. She said she has been seeing this behaviour in our sat few sessions and have been getting more concerned for my well being. She said at one point she would not be able to see just one if us if she sees us together. The only reason it happened today is because H was sick and I asked her of I could come in alone to talk to her about what happened on the weekend with the OM. I understand what you are saying but I also see that H is making no effort to fix anything in our marriage. He blames me for everything including his angry. She sees this from comment him and i have both made. He sits in the room with his arms crossed over his chest and doesn't look at either of us. He has belittled me Infrint of her telling her my ideas are stupid even just simple things like me putting up a god damned Cheistmas tree he had to fight with me about. He told me it was stupid as we are going away for Christmas. He also laughed at me when I came in from outside because I was cold and said I told you I was cold out there, and laughed again. This is the person I have married. I used to be a very strong person who didn't let anyone push then around, I sometimes feel like I don't know who I am.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Sorry just saw this - when we have sex it's quick. He climaxes very quick if I allow it. But I am usually getting him so he is almost there, then we will have intercourse. He has never given me an orgasam. Oh sorry he did last time we were intimate using his hand. *His penis is quite small too.* I don't know what this "round 2" is you speak of. There has never been one.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I haven't read past this post in the thread, so I have several pages to go, so apologize if this is a repeat of something already posted. But I'd say if he isn't having feelings for other men, it's most likely a huge confidence issue with him and he feels like he cannot please you with what he has. My guess is that his equipment works fine, he just doesn't think that you like his equipment. 

How small are you talking about, slightly below average or is it significantly below average? I'd say average size would range from 5.5" - 6.5" in length, and girth would probably be around 4.5" to 5.0". 

But the bottom line is that the lack of sex is unacceptable and IMHO a significantly bigger issue in this marriage than you getting a kiss on the cheek from some other guy. I understand that the AM account is unacceptable and you are very much in the wrong there. But your husband's betrayal of his vows to you is worse than what you did to him. IMHO of course. Still, don't confuse what I said with sanctioning what you did. So while I'm likely late to this game, I believe that you'd be better off not telling him what you did and going on with your life. JMHO.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry just saw this - when we have sex it's quick. He climaxes very quick if I allow it. But I am usually getting him so he is almost there, then we will have intercourse. He has never given me an orgasam. Oh sorry he did last time we were intimate using his hand. *His penis is quite small too.* I don't know what this "round 2" is you speak of. There has never been one.
> ...


I will be sure to measure if for you. Lol. I have. I clue. Just seems small to me. I have never been able to orgasam from inter course. Which sucks! It's barely longer then my hand wrapped around it. I agree with you. I think his equipment does work fine but he has no confidence. Not sure how I can fix this. I am sure to tell him how good it is and all of that. I'm sure he realizes that he is not getting me off though. Who knows.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It's up to you, of course, but please realize that your emotions are all over the place (from starting out here saying how you love your H very much and find him attractive in comparison to the OM, to now being afraid of him because he's abusive), and you are going to be easily swayed by a counselor. And there is the possibility that this counselor has some bias (issues of her own? doesn't like your H?).

For example - is it possible that your husband has undiagnosed depression, and she, as a therapist, didn't even notice that but went straight to her "he's abusive" idea instead? Many men with low sex drives are actually depressed, and depression in men often manifests as irritability. Or, there's the low T idea. That's embarrassing, and that could make a guy grumpy too. You may think it's impossible, but the idea that he could be gay shouldn't be ruled out either - if he is and he can't even face it himself, that would make him pretty irritable, and sadly he could be taking this inner struggle out on you. 

Sitting in the counseling office with his arms crossed could have been taken by the counselor as an affront, which she took personally, and she may have viewed your H in a negative light instead of in a professional way - which would have included considering some possible compassionate diagnoses that could explain what's going on with him and in your marriage. 

Pulling out the "abuse" card in the absence of anybody hitting anybody always raises red flags for me. That's a very strong word, and too many women throw it around when men are concerned, and it tends to build barriers not bridges. I'm as feminist as they come, but I worry when counselors go there first when a guy is grumpy without even mentioning looking into any possible mental health or medical conditions.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> It's up to you, of course, but please realize that your emotions are all over the place (from starting out here saying how you love your H very much and find him attractive in comparison to the OM, to now being afraid of him because he's abusive), and you are going to be easily swayed by a counselor. And there is the possibility that this counselor has some bias (issues of her own? doesn't like your H?).
> 
> *I agree, my emotions are all over the place! I don't know which way is up right now. Not a good feeling. I really don't think she does. When we first started she was all over both of us for things, never choose sides and would always talk to us respectfully. She said that she has been seeing him get increasingly upset when he comes into the ofc, and watched the way he talks to me. She sees I walk on egg shells around him, and I do. He always seems so miserable. He says he is happy, but I don't see it. Last time we were there I kinda word vomited and a lot of things came out. H will never really give a straight answer to her or anyone. He likes to talk around the issues but not own up to them. EVERYTHING is my fault. I HAVE ALL the issues, he does not. He doesn't believe the way his father treated him was abusive, or that there is anything wrong with the way his father treats his Mom. Mom told me once Dad will not allow her to cut her hair and "makes" her go to the gym so she doesn't gain weight. This is a controlling man.*
> 
> ...


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jack.c said:


> Wait a minute... when i wrote vergin at 30 it did'nt mean his MENTAL INSTABLE!!!! It ment that he has a DIFFERENT way of thinking.... different morals..... different in many things then the most of us. Now that doesnt mean he is instable!!!


No, not really. I just tied it in with you saying it might not be healthy for him to hear the truth as opposed to someone that can handle it, hence the unstable comment.

I don't think you meant they were unstable, and I don't see it that way either. Nothing wrong with someone who hasn't had sex until they are 30. Probably just hadn't met the right woman or bad luck with women.

So I didn't mean to insinuate that's what you meant, my apologies.



> Why upset a sensible person like her husben?


Because he deserves to know the truth. Cheating and lying about it after the fact is showing him a lack of respect.

But its not just about a simple peck on the cheek. Its about the fact that she actively and consciously went out looking for another man. She came to her senses later after getting cold feet.

But she clarified that she intends to tell him. I think that is the right thing to do.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I don't believe you meant that at all, I believe the other poster did, but whatever. Thanks for the advise


Of course you want to believe that is what I was saying.

The mentally unstable comment was a bit of a stretch for me trying to understandiwhat jack.c was trying to say, even though he was tying in the mindset of a 30 year old virgin and not being a healthy thing for someone like him to hear the truth.

I don't think there is anything wrong with someone at that age not having had sex yet. But I wasn't the one that brought it up.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jack.c said:


> ok....
> She talks... trys to get him to understand, trys to find how to fix it, etc.... but nothing. Then she trys to understand on her own way: *the wrong way!* But she realizes the mistake and stops it before it got out of hand. How many would of done the same?
> Now... before all gets to ugly, she is trying the recuperate the situation and she is doing it in sincere feelings and not like most of the WW that I read about.
> Yes she signed up, but understood it was wrong.... now what?
> I think that speaking about the problem she is having in total honesty with her husben, in a delicate kind of way, the problems would be solved. Nothing seriusly happend that would not allow this.....


I agree. However, you would say that not telling him what she did is the way to go. This puts the burden on him and he doesn't know the truth about her. How is that fair to him?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> What a turn of events I have had. Went to see our MC and she think H is abusive to me. We went thru a work book and answered a bunch of guestions about the way he treats me and most of which were yes. I am in shock and just don't know what to think right now. She said she cannot see him and I anymore but would like for me to come alone from now on. Said she is scared for me and thinks the couples stuff is just making it worse for me. She said I ahouls get a plan in order and even if I don't use it, it's there. Said she is afraid for me for when I go away with him to visit his family in VA for Christmas and also need a plan of escape there. I just don't know what to do now.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Well I told you what one option is from my viewpoint, but you said it was ridiculous. With this new enlightenment, has that changed?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Well I told you what one option is from my viewpoint, but you said it was ridiculous. With this new enlightenment, has that changed?


As you can see by my other posts, I have no clue what to do right now. I will have to sit down with H and see if he is willing to do anything about all of this. If he does not want to see a dr about the possibility of being depressed, then that says it all. If he is not willing to make the effort, then we will have to be done. I do recall someone asking him about depression, not sure now if it was the counselor or our Dr.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> As you can see by my other posts, I have no clue what to do right now. I will have to sit down with H and see if he is willing to do anything about all of this. If he does not want to see a dr about the possibility of being depressed, then that says it all. If he is not willing to make the effort, then we will have to be done. I do recall someone asking him about depression, not sure now if it was the counselor or our Dr.



Ok fair enough.

Sounds like he does have some issues he needs to deal with and he does need to deal with them. That is his end of the bargain for the health of your marriage. But what is it you are going to do to hold up your end? I know you said you are going to tell him the truth. That's a start. Have you told him yet? When do you plan to if you haven't?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> As you can see by my other posts, I have no clue what to do right now. I will have to sit down with H and see if he is willing to do anything about all of this. If he does not want to see a dr about the possibility of being depressed, then that says it all. If he is not willing to make the effort, then we will have to be done. I do recall someone asking him about depression, not sure now if it was the counselor or our Dr.


Does not sound good at all. If I was you I would have this talk at the start of the weekend. I would not do it and have him have to leave for work and brew on it all day. 

Do you have any good friends you both talk to or a family member you can bring into this a little bit. 

Just a thought.

Clay


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Ok fair enough.
> 
> Sounds like he does have some issues he needs to deal with and he does need to deal with them. That is his end of the bargain for the health of your marriage. But what is it you are going to do to hold up your end? I know you said you are going to tell him the truth. That's a start. Have you told him yet? When do you plan to if you haven't?


I haven't said anything to him yet. I want to sit down and have a talk with him I'm am affraid of how it's going to go. Same old stuff I believe. Guess I'm just scared of the unknown. What's he going to say. I'm not scared of him, I don't believe he knows how bad it is. I want to be able to explain everything to him and see where it goes from there. I have been going over all of this all day and didn't sleep last night. I keep asking myself is he abusing you? I just don't know. I know he can be rude and he is so particular and nags all the time but will that change? These are all behaviours he was taught. So can and will he be willing? This is what scares me. If he says he doesn't think there is an issue then what do I do? I really don't know.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> Does not sound good at all. If I was you I would have this talk at the start of the weekend. I would not do it and have him have to leave for work and brew on it all day.
> 
> Do you have any good friends you both talk to or a family member you can bring into this a little bit.
> 
> ...


I agree with you Clay. I want to talk with him when we both have lots of time to work through this. This is why I thought we were going to counselling, so now I feel really stuck. 

As for family or friends, not really. My family already believes he is abusive to me, so he would feel ganged up on. I could have my Dad come over at some point. H calls him Dad and has always got along with him. My Dad is not as judgemental. But what would I say to him?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Well as much as this sucks to say but tell him the truth. It is best at this point you have someone there to help keep things calm. Sure a counselor would have been a better choice but with the things you said you are going to need some protection. I am not saying he will be physical but he sure is going to be pissed when he hears you cheated on him. 

My xW had no problem calling her mom over when she cheated on me. Some times it helped some times it did not. 

Clay


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I haven't said anything to him yet. I want to sit down and have a talk with him I'm am affraid of how it's going to go. Same old stuff I believe. Guess I'm just scared of the unknown. What's he going to say. *I'm not scared of him*



I don't know what questions in this "workbook" about the way he treats you were, or whether it was him that answered them or you.

But the bolded part would lead me to believe that its not abuse as much as it is just plain old bad treatment, apathy or both.

Because for a counselor to say and she is afraid for you would indicate to me a physical abuse problem, especially if she is thinking you need an escape plan if you go to VA. Also wondering if she isn't a little biased here. But I'll digress on that one. 

I'd like to know what the questions were, and if it was you or H that answered yes to all of them. You don't have to if you don't want, but would be curious to see why the therapist feels so afraid for you.




> I don't believe he knows how bad it is. I want to be able to explain everything to him and see where it goes from there.



You mean everything as far as the way you think you are being treated, or are being treated?

If so, he will be taking all of it in not knowing the things that he could expect of you as well if he doesn't know the truth.




> I have been going over all of this all day and didn't sleep last night. I keep asking myself is he abusing you? I just don't know. I know he can be rude and he is so particular and nags all the time but will that change? These are all behaviours he was taught. So can and will he be willing?


He might be if he thinks it will cost him his marriage. But he shouldn't have to be put in that corner if he doesn't know the full truth about you.

So the question is not if you should tell him, but at what point? Before you explain all of the things you expect of him? Or after? If after, it shouldn't be weeks or months after. If he is to take all of your concerns about him in, then he should get the same courtesy.




> This is what scares me. If he says he doesn't think there is an issue then what do I do? I really don't know.


Perhaps you haven't really conveyed the severity of it. I think a lot of men would tend to "come around" if they thought they are going to have to go through a divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I hope you realize that you are not very helpful on here. Your constant remarks and ridiculous comments cannot be taken seriously. I didn't say based in the workbook only, I as using that as an example. My family doctor even brought this up to me a few weeks ago. Asking if I was looking in on myself what would I say to her. I said that she deserves better and deserve more respect. I try to keep things to myself and hope things aren't as bad as they seem. It was the MC who is trained to see these types of things who really opened my eyes to see that more and more people are telling me the same thing. Now I just need to figure out what to do with the info. I don't want to be without H but I also don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I'm sorry you don't understand that MattMatt but that's what it is. I wish you could put yourself in other peoples shoes and think of there feelings before you make your comments.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


On the contrary, my comments are very helpful. I can't help it if you do not see them as being helpful. 

*You cannot keep releasing little snippets of information which other people comment on, which you then criticise because you then add another little snippet of information that substantially adds to the story.
*
If you had revealed in the first place that your counsellor considered your husband as being abusive based on long-term observations rather than your answers in a workbook, then my advise would have been different.

You are facing a bridge. Either you stay where you are, or you take the first steps toward that bridge and the other side, which is the rest of your life.

You might need to leave your husband, too scared to cross the bridge with you, but that's his problem, not yours.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> I am not saying he will be physical but he sure is going to be pissed when he hears you cheated on him.


Why would she need protection if he simply would get pissed? If that is the case, anyone that has cheated should be telling their spouse they cheated with a friend there for support, and to add insult to injury to the BS.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Why would she need protection if he simply would get pissed? If that is the case, anyone that has cheated should be telling their spouse they cheated with a friend there for support, and to add insult to injury to the BS.


People think twice about the things they are about to say when someone else is in the room. You never know what will happen. I would just rather proceed with caution. 


Clay


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Since I am in my cell, I cannot "bold" anything so I put ..... before and after what I wrote. 




vellocet said:


> I don't know what questions in this "workbook" about the way he treats you were, or whether it was him that answered them or you.
> 
> ....the questions in the workbook were things like does your partner keep you from seeing friends or family, limit your phone calls, swear at you, name call, belittle you. Things like that. Most of the ones I answered yes to were things I didn't feel were so serious. We have NEVER been physical, we do not swear at each other or call names. He does make me feel stupid, but doesn't call me stupid. I found a lot of the questions were no's. I believe he does withhold sex, but I don't think he does it to punish me. She thinks he does.....
> 
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> People think twice about the things they are about to say when someone else is in the room. You never know what will happen. I would just rather proceed with caution.


Sure people think twice about what they are going to say. But having back up would only serve to stifle what he would want to say. The idea being she could say whatever she wants and he'll feel ganged up on and won't then say what he would feel entitled to say.

Now if he was violent, then absolutely, have someone there. (but then again, just leave him if he is violent)

But if a wife/gf of mine brought someone along with to tell me that she cheated on me, I'd be, first of all, insulted, and secondly pissed that my betrayal and embarrassment will be aired to someone in the room that I wouldn't want hearing it.

How fair would it be to have someone there to keep him from saying what he wants, and she would feel she can say whatever she wants?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Sure people think twice about what they are going to say. But having back up would only serve to stifle what he would want to say. The idea being she could say whatever she wants and he'll feel ganged up on and won't then say what he would feel entitled to say.
> 
> Now if he was violent, then absolutely, have someone there. (but then again, just leave him if he is violent)
> 
> ...


Well she said he called her dad kind of his dad as well. That gave me the impression it might not be the way you are talking about but you are right there is that potential. As to bringing someone else into this mess I would much rather have a family member than a counselor. I do understand your point. She will have to decide how she wants to handle it when she tells him. 


Clay


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> ....the questions in the workbook were things like does your partner keep you from seeing friends or family, limit your phone calls, swear at you, name call, belittle you. Things like that. Most of the ones I answered yes to were things I didn't feel were so serious. We have NEVER been physical, we do not swear at each other or call names. He does make me feel stupid, but doesn't call me stupid. I found a lot of the questions were no's. I believe he does withhold sex, but I don't think he does it to punish me. She thinks he does.....


Ok, then by what you just described, I am thinking your therapist is a misandrist quack if she "fears" for you and won't see either of you again. Nothing you indicated here would necessitate her to not want to see you both anymore.

Not saying he doesn't have issues, but your therapist must hate men to go to the extreme she did.

Get a new therapist.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster;5998113....I am not sure why she is affraid for me.[/QUOTE said:


> She is afraid for your because verbal violence does lead to physical violence in the right situations.
> 
> She did spend a quite a bit of time seeing him as well as you. This is something I would pay attention to. How ever you want to deal with things when you do talk to him just keep things as calm as you can.
> 
> ...


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> > ....the questions in the workbook were things like does your partner keep you from seeing friends or family, limit your phone calls, swear at you, name call, belittle you. Things like that. Most of the ones I answered yes to were things I didn't feel were so serious. We have NEVER been physical, we do not swear at each other or call names. He does make me feel stupid, but doesn't call me stupid. I found a lot of the questions were no's. I believe he does withhold sex, but I don't think he does it to punish me. She thinks he does.....
> 
> 
> Ok, then by what you just described, I am thinking your therapist is a misandrist quack if she "fears" for you and won't see either of you again. Nothing you indicated here would necessitate her to not want to see you both anymore.
> ...


She will see me, just doesn't want to do couples work with us. She is just a counsellor with catholic family services. We cannot afford to pay very much. It's around $120-150 an hour here. 

Thanks so much for your suggestions and help. You too Clay. I guess I have a lot if thinking to do and a lot of talking to do with H. I get so attached to people and of course I am very attached to him and cannot imagine my life without him. It makes me feel bad for him thinking of him going back to VA after he has been with me in Canada for over 5 years and has made a life here but I know that's what he would have to do. I am trying not to let that cloud my judgement but it does.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

> I believe he does withhold sex, but I don't think he does it to punish me. She thinks he does.....


I really have my doubts about this counselor's ability to be objective about your H. I think he pushed some buttons for her - whether he reminded her of someone who was abusive to her in her past, or whatever, the fact that HE didn't like her was reason enough for you to have changed counselors some time ago. I know it's advice that's a little late, but I'm letting you know that it's not good use of counseling time (and money) to keep dragging someone to a MC when they really don't click with the counselor.

Does Catholic Family Services have only one counselor? A marriage counseling situation HAS to be one in which BOTH parties feel comfortable with the counselor. It's NOT fair to him - OR to your marriage - if he feels a bad vibe with the counselor (remember, there are 3 entities being treated in marriage counseling: you, him, AND your marriage). Some people try a few counselors before they find the right one. If that's what it takes, that's what you do. You BOTH have to be in agreement that the person is someone you BOTH feel comfortable working with. 

I think you should know that IF you are thinking of trying to save your marriage, it is going to be a long hard road. Your marital communication is at the kindergarten level - you have a long way to go to high school graduation. Communicating at a deep level about difficult things with empathy for each other and without getting defensive is not something you will be good at very quickly. 

But you need to tell him soon about what you did - if he finds out on his own, like many of us did - the feeling of betrayal will be MUCH worse. He'll wonder how many other secrets you would have gone on to keep from him. Marriage without honesty isn't much of a marriage. Do not in any way try to blame it on him, though - that will only wound him deeper. But you can say that YOU have been sad and frustrated and mixed-up, and you temporarily lost your moral compass, and you feel guilty and ashamed, and you are so, so sorry about what you did and for how you know it must hurt him to hear about it. (You can't apologize too much, by the way.) 

Completely separate from the emotional affair business - you can say that you have had a major concern that something could be wrong physically or psychologically with him - like depression - and you were too afraid to bring it up because at times he gets so irritable with you. But you can say that it's VERY clear to you, no matter if he says he's happy, that he is NOT. 

And you have to understand that this is SEPARATE from what you did. Because you could have dealt with this separate issue WITHOUT losing your moral compass and doing what you did: that sure didn't solve anything, did it? PLEASE understand the importance of keeping these issues COMPLETELY SEPARATE! It's NOT ON HIM that you did what you did, and when you talk to him about these things you HAVE to be very clear that they are NOT connected. His grumpiness and lack of interest in, or withholding of (if that's what it truly is), sex did not MAKE you sneak around and meet up with another man. YOU MUST MAKE THIS CLEAR WHEN YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS - you made the CHOICE to do what you did. DO NOT PUT ANY OF IT ON HIM - TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.

However - if you keep seeing this counselor in one on one sessions, I think you will get counseled out of your marriage. That may be what you have been aiming for - some people have what are called "exit affairs." They don't really plan it consciously, but they have one foot out of their marriages and an affair - emotional or physical - is just one way to blow up their marriage and help speed up the process of ending it. It's passive, in a way: the affair is often discovered, and the betrayed spouse is then the one who does the "dirty work" of filing so the wayward spouse doesn't have to (having the affair was a way to get the ball rolling, though). Maybe on some level you're hoping HE will divorce YOU, then you will be done with this.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT ME
> 
> You are broken in spirit before anything happened, GOOD JOB!! No, cancel the membeship and do individual counseling, read some marriage books there are 10's of thousands, rekindle the spark with your husband, BUT DO NOT TELL HIM A FREAKIN WORD
> 
> ...





manticore said:


> *My God, you are a user with 1k posts so I can't believe your advice here, if you have been this long in TAM you should know that users who don't confess and let this kind event happen later have two kinds of problems, they are found out and the Spouse don't believe a Word they said and ruin the relationship (there are a couple here recently with that problem, the husband openend an account never used it, even passed polygraph but the wife just does not belive him because she found out without him telling her), or they keep the emotinal affair and begin a PA later because the OM keep pushing and the BS is unaware of the problem (like Mia's case where she posted about a EA never confessed, OM keep pushing and it become PA, one year later she was here telling everybody we were rightr about confessing)*
> 
> I have to asume someone hacked your account or you have never read other people's thread here.
> 
> Worst advice in TAM ever made a by a real user


Sorry, had to jump in here. Manticore, OhGeesh (who is a WS if I recall--pls correct me if I'm wrong) consistently takes the position that a one-off indiscretion, including a ONS, is best kept unrevealed if the WS is sincere about never repeating it. I don't happen to agree, but the post you are responding to is very much in line with many of his other posts in many other threads. Just sayin'.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> I really have my doubts about this counselor's ability to be objective about your H. I think he pushed some buttons for her - whether he reminded her of someone who was abusive to her in her past, or whatever, the fact that HE didn't like her was reason enough for you to have changed counselors some time ago. I know it's advice that's a little late, but I'm letting you know that it's not good use of counseling time (and money) to keep dragging someone to a MC when they really don't click with the counselor.
> 
> *The only reason he didn't care for her is because she would ask him things he didn't want to answer. Him and I had talked about her many times and thought things were getting better, and from where we used to be (fighting daily and yelling all the time - having days of silence with each other) things are better. Its once she started really getting deep down that he seemed agitated. H was the one who wanted the counseling in the first place. I have not been dragging him to the MC, he wanted to go. I should have worded that differently when I said he didn't like her. He doesn't like to be questioned especially about sexual things.*
> 
> ...


I will keep this in mind. Guess I am just scared of what he is going to think of me. Can't be much worse then how I feel. He has been so happy this week, I have no idea why, but he has been and I am just riding that out. I know the longer I wait, the worse it will get, but I do need to tell him.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> She is afraid for your because verbal violence does lead to physical violence in the right situations.


According to OP there is no verbal violence.
"We have NEVER been physical, we do not swear at each other or call names"


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> She will see me, just doesn't want to do couples work with us.


She doesn't want him to come in and won't work with both of you because she says she fears for you. When NOTHING you indicated shows any reason to fear for you.

She is taking it to an extreme for whatever reason and is unfair to your husband.

I understand you can't afford to pay much, but if you continue with her on your own, then she is going to be biased against your husband and think her advice will be that of a quack. She will be advising her on her personal opinion of your husband when again, by you own words there is nothing to fear, no verbal violence, no swearing at each other, or never any physical violence.
So if you keep seeing her it will not be good for your marriage. She either hates men, or for some reason has an axe to grind with your husband. There is no reason for her to not want to see both of you, or him, and say she fears for you.



> The only reason he didn't care for her is because she would ask him things he didn't want to answer. Him and I had talked about her many times and thought things were getting better, and from where we used to be (fighting daily and yelling all the time - having days of silence with each other) things are better. Its once she started really getting deep down that he seemed agitated. H was the one who wanted the counseling in the first place. I have not been dragging him to the MC, he wanted to go. I should have worded that differently when I said he didn't like her. He doesn't like to be questioned especially about sexual things.



Ok, above here you say there is yelling, but still, that is not verbal violence and doesn't indicate a reason to fear anything. That's what happens when couples fight. They will yell. 

Having said that, is this a case of getting your H in there and she, with your presence, gangs up on him? Is she asking him all these tough questions and not getting to the root of your responsibilities in this marriage? If so, I don't blame him for not caring for her. And his feelings about her are validated in the fact that he, by your admission, isn't doing anything that would cause her to fear for you, and tell him he can't come back. Ridiculous.

If you can't afford a different therapist, then simply don't go any longer. Because not going is better than going to this person. Because seems she just wants to bag on your H while ignoring your responsibilities in this marriage.

But if the goal is to get out of the marriage, then this quack is your huckleberry.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> She doesn't want him to come in and won't work with both of you because she says she fears for you. When NOTHING you indicated shows any reason to fear for you.
> She is taking it to an extreme for whatever reason and is unfair to your husband.
> 
> I understand you can't afford to pay much, but if you continue with her on your own, then she is going to be biased against your husband and think her advice will be that of a quack. She will be advising her on her personal opinion of your husband when again, by you own words there is nothing to fear, no verbal violence, no swearing at each other, or never any physical violence.
> ...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I've been reading, but not commenting because something was missing. It still is, but some of it is becoming cleaer.

First, this person counseled you for a YEAR and just told you he was abusive? That's terrible. No, I don't care if she felt you admitting the affair would be the tipping point. Let that sink in A YEAR. 

No one else has commented on it fully, but do you insult your husband and defend him like this in real life? I'm curious because you've been insulting him the entire thread. It's extremely subtle and it reminds me of what I used to do years ago. My wife thought it was funny, until I turned it on her. If she hadn't of mentioned it who knows where I'd be.

I'm asking because there is this weird unwritten dynamic going on. I'll quote some of the things back later, it just feels like the tip of the iceberg. No, I am not excusing his lack of sex and satisfying your needs. He is wrong, but I'm wondering what happened.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you checked out her credentials?

The only reason I ask is because a counsellor did something very bad to a couple she was counselling. And it transpired that her license to act as a counsellor had been revoked, but she didn't tell anyone.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I've been reading, but not commenting because something was missing. It still is, but some of it is becoming cleaer.
> 
> I would love to know what is missing and waft I becoming clearer for you.
> 
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Have you checked out her credentials?
> 
> The only reason I ask is because a counsellor did something very bad to a couple she was counselling. And it transpired that her license to act as a counsellor had been revoked, but she didn't tell anyone.


To be honest, no. They all have there diploma or whatever on the wall but since she works for the catholic family services, I would think they would keep track of that. I am not sure. I will have to look into going somewhere else I think. If H is willing.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I'm just not sold on the counselor being biased just yet but it is possible. You are probably best to check into it more. There is nothing wrong with having full information on who the people are that you are talking to. I do agree if they are biased then it is best to find someone knew. I do not have a lot of faith in counselors the way it is so nothing would surprise me. 

You will be the best judge on how to talk to your husband and if you do feel safe then do it alone. I still think you should do it soon. 

Clay


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> I'm just not sold on the counselor being biased just yet but it is possible.


5-7? This makes it worse either way you look at it. It may not be bias, but it is something/


Still, this is what MattMatt means by lack of information. You say a year, but now it is as many visits as some people do in a month. You realize this strengthens MattMatt's post about your counselor?
Get a new one.

That's a small amount of visits to call someone an abuser and say I can't see you as a couple.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> To be honest, no. They all have there diploma or whatever on the wall but since she works for the catholic family services, I would think they would keep track of that. I am not sure. I will have to look into going somewhere else I think. If H is willing.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


There was a doctor practising medicine. He had a certificate on his wall. Only problem was that it wasn't his certificate. And he wasn't a doctor.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> imhisbeautifuldisaster said:
> 
> 
> > To be honest, no. They all have there diploma or whatever on the wall but since she works for the catholic family services, I would think they would keep track of that. I am not sure. I will have to look into going somewhere else I think. If H is willing.
> ...


Yes....I understand that. As I said, I would think the service she works for would check on this. Your not my husband are you? Cause I find you equally as exhausting to talk to....

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Clay2013 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm just not sold on the counselor being biased just yet but it is possible.
> ...


I can only give as much info as I can. I am trying not to bore everyone with every last little thing. I would love if you would elaborate a bit on what you said above. I am just trying to get your opinion

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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