# Falling apart



## SJX13 (Aug 26, 2012)

I met my husband online a few years ago and moved overseas to be with him. Back then everything between us was fine. We had some troubles especially with my anxiety issues but he was always understanding and willing to work with me.

We moved back to Aus end of last year and got married shortly after, but it feels like since then everything has gone downhill and he isnt the same man who proposed to me. I still love him, but I feel like at the same time I just hate him more each day. We both had just taken a week off to go away together, everything was fine, then yesterday the same old habits started again.

He wanted to go out somewhere for sushi, knowing I hate it but I went with him anyway. He started getting lost driving around looking for the place and started taking it out on me. He'd been asking me all day what was wrong, and I'd told him (honestly) I was just tired and didnt have much to really talk about. As the trip went on, he went from nasty comments about me 'being an *******' to him for not chatting much to full blown screaming at me, calling me a b***h when I had done nothing to provoke it. This is all pretty typical, and seems to happen at least once a week. Although this time I finally snapped and hit him.

I'm not a violent nor even a confrontational person. He knows I am manic-depressive but he constantly pushes me, talks down to me, accuses me of all sorts of things. I make no defence for hitting him, it was wrong, but I couldnt take it anymore when anytime I tried to speak up for myself he'd scream in my face to shut up. Afterwards when we'd calmed down, he lectured me about everything he does for me and that I never do anything for him. In actuality, this last week before yesterday he had done alot for me, but he never normally does. I on the other hand do so much for him, but its clear to me he doesnt even want to acknowledge anything I do. I want us to work things out, but it feels like nothing I do will ever improve things. I thought things might finally be getting better then this same situation just happens again. 

No matter what the cause of his anger or how I respond, he always manages to twist things to find one tiny thing to magnify and blame on me, despite it might contradict what he said only a day before (one of his problems yesterday was that I wasnt holding up directions and reading them out to him, I was keeping them in his reach and reading from there- normally whenever I try to read them out to him he gets angry at me for 'doing it wrong', snatches them off me then spends the next 10 minutes talking about how it shouldnt be hard just to read out directions). It always ends with me just saying I'm at fault even if I dont believe it just to get him to calm down. The obvious answer is not to let myself be walked on like that but anytime I try it can go on for a week or two until I am the one to apologise to him.

Aside from his outbursts, things are usually okay between us, but I always feel like Im walking on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting him and anticipating the inevitable. I dont know what to do anymore


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

My estrange would rant and rave at me, i remember it well whist he was driving, not the first time, but i would feel afraid.

People that manipulate and control will continually push to actually cause the drama, they feed off it.

I suggest you start with this book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Amazon.co.uk: Lundy Bancroft: Books


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SJX, welcome to the TAM forum. The book that Cloud recommends is excellent.


SJX13 said:


> I always feel like Im walking on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting him and anticipating the inevitable.


_Stop Walking on Eggshells_ is the name of the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses of BPDers. Yet, if your H actually has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), you should be seeing several symptoms -- other than the bullying, temper tantrums, and intense anger -- that you do not mention here. 

I therefore suggest you take a look at my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if most sound very familiar. My post there is at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it and point you to excellent online resources. I caution that, if your H actually has strong BPD traits, they would have started showing themselves at the end of the courtship period. They would not lie hidden for several years. Take care, SJX.


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