# 1 Week into our separation



## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

A week ago my husband left me saying he could not take it anymore. On new year's eve we had a huge fight about something so small and ever since then he tells me about all the things I have done wrong in our marriage that he has been holding in for the last year.

He tells me I don't listen to him, I'm selfish etc. My cooking has been bad lately(reheating frozen) and the latest one was that he is not attracted to my anymore because I gained a lot of weight in the last year(which he was always so supportive).

I am one of the first people to admit when I have done wrong and I have gained a lot of weight in the last year. A lot of things have changed with my job and the 2 hour commute each day to work each day. It would have helped if he had communicated better with me. When he finally told me these things, yeah it hurt but I wish it hadn't built up to this point.

The last month has been hell, with him staying away from home as long as possible and then when he did see me, he would blow up and tell again what I have done wrong. At first I just cried and told him I can make the changes and even after I did that he would still say I haven't made any changes.

So a week ago Feb 10 he left. The next day he told me how he felt about the weight gain. I wasn't shocked or hurt, I beat myself up enough about it already and had started working on a fitness and eating plan at the end of December. I told him it would have been better if he had talked to me about it earlier and we could have come up with a plan. He says he has a lot of resentment towards me and does not know how to let these things go. So I don't contact him right now and I am just giving him space. But then he will contact me or show up at the house on Valentine's day and say he has laundry to do. He has told me twice now that he still loves me and he misses me. But he does not know how to let go of the anger he feels.

Now today he just texted me asking if he could go to the house from 3pm to 7pm so he could get some work done on his computer which is still there and he could see the dogs. He says he is not ready to see me because he will breakdown. I said it was okay.

Sorry I have rambled and I am just so frustrated and confused. I have been to see a counsellor and he tells me to just give my husband his space and he says it sounds like there still is hope.

I honestly hope there is. I really would like to work this out. But all I can work on right now is myself and work day by day.


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## Mo24 (Feb 18, 2014)

If you want it to work out, your only chance is to forget about him. Focus on yourself, get better, healthier, stronger, happier. If he comes around, he comes around. If he doesnt, he sucks the life out of you anyway and someone better will be in your future.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Honestly, your husband sounds like a world class Dic*! It hurts because he did the leaving, so now you take control. Throw his stuff on the curb, give him the dogs, and tell him to go to the laundromat.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Thjor said:


> At first I just cried and told him I can make the changes and even after I did that he would still say I haven't made any changes.


He still wasn't happy after you addressed the issues and made the changes?

Sounds like trying to please him isn't going to work, and it is time to try something else.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

No children and I will not give him the dogs.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Get a lawyer, get 1/2 the money, file now.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

really after only a week? So what im hearing is there is no hope.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Thjor said:


> really after only a week? So what im hearing is there is no hope.


Listen differently. I think what people are telling you is your H doesn't respect you, but you remain focused on pleasing him.

The question I think you should ask yourself is: Why should I take him back?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I doubt it is your cooking or your weight. I would put my money and bet he his cheating.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I don't mean to be harsh. I had 21 years in and got an I don't love you enough speech. She had ALREADY taken a lawyer, almost all the money and was ready to file.

IF I had done so, I suspect it would have reversed the whole course of things. It's easy to be wanted, it's hard to be rejected.

I think the BEST chance of reconciliation is filing or saying you are.. Even having an attorney email him that you are going to get a divorce will either cause an immediate epiphany or he is leaving anyway.

It's hard to know what a small fight is. I thought ours was insignificant, we rarely fought, had done a whole bunch of investing in properties recently, etc. It seemed CRAZY she was thinking divorce.

She was.

If you are here, I assume it isn't small.

So many people I talk to are the same way. My Divorce Care Class is the same sad story over and over. Usually there is a longer period of grief, but hard to predict.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

My situation sounds similar to yours. No real reason given for a divorce expect for excuses that could be talked through and fixed. Upon further investigation it was revealed he was seeing another woman. If I were you I'd like into that. Get yourself into IC. Focus on yourself and go no contact. Don't allow him to come over anymore for any reason not even to see the dogs. I think he is just using the computer, the dogs, and the laundry as an excuse to keep an eye on what you are doing. If I were you I'd tell him to go to hell.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thjor, I really hope you can work things out with your H because you seem like you really want your marriage to work.

But you definitely need to give him some space because at the moment chasing after him is only going to push him further away. 

I was like you when my stbxh left me. It was quite similar, we had been having problems for a few months prior to his speech of 'I don't want to do this anymore' but I really thought we were getting back on track. We were together, going out and he even took me with him away for the weekend to visit his family in Scotland. 

When we came back we had a fight over something really silly aswell. Then a few days later he had completely changed, he just totally cut me off and didn't want to see or speak to me, he told me it was over. I begged him and cried in front of him, looking back on it hurts me so much, I never can understand how heartless he really was. 

I spent such a long time hoping we could reconcile and that he would come back to me. But I found out two months after he left me that he was seeing another woman (even though he started seeing her two weeks after he ended it with me).

All I am trying to say is don't set yourself up for a fall, that's what I did. I can't say to you don't try and don't hope because that is what I exactly did, I ignored most advice I got on TAM and convinced myself it was worth fighting for him and getting back together. 

You know at one point I really felt deep in my heart that he was coming back and we would be together again. But to cut a long story short he basically was telling me lies, building up false hope and left me all over again. Tbh he never really got back with, he was just 'seeing me' I was basically the OW even though that is completely ironic. 

If you hope for reconcile you really need to be prepared for the worst case scenario which is he might not want to come back and in his mind it's over. I know it's tough I held on for so long hoping and waiting. But you know I wish I didn't give him the time of day when he came crawling back and telling me he 'still loved me'. 

I know everyone's situation is different and I really hope things get better for you. But don't just make it your life goal to save your marriage, because in the end it was two people who were standing together, taking their vows on their wedding day. And if only one of them is willing to save the marriage then it's not going to work out.

I know it might be annoying to hear this, but really look after yourself and make sure you have a good future, with or without your husband. It is hard to hear but really try to take the advice people have given you on here, I really wish I did before I let myself be hurt again.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thank you everyone for the advice. I am just trying to live my life right now without him in it. I am getting through each day and i am trying to keep busy. I do have moments where i have to stop myself from thinking about him and thinking maybe i should contact him. I have been doing IC and even my counsellor says not to contact him. I know if he does not come back i will be fine but i have always been somewhat of an optimist and hope for the best in people and yes i have been burned before but i still hope but i will also take care of me first.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

The first few days and weeks are agonizing. I know. I've been there. Done that. We are now divorced. 

Take it one day at a time because it hurts like crazy. Don't contact him and please don't beg him to come back. Focus on you and start detaching.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thjor, if you're husband was posting, what would he say you've done wrong?
1. gained a lot of weight.
2. dunno?
3. dunno?

If you want honest feedback then give us information. Seems like you you said you've done things wrong (plural) but only listed your weight. By the way weight and physical attraction is a real need for some partners. Unfortunately it's the hardest thing to deal with when you're emotionally stressed.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

He told me the weight gain, i don't listen to him and i am selfish. Yes i gained alot of weight in the last year. I had also started a fitness plan around Christmas which is before this happened. As for not listening to him, i can see some of the times that i did not and i have been working on becoming a better listener with everyone not just him. The selfish thing i can see as well not to the degree he is saying and he does have a tendacy to overdramtize things. He says he has kept these things to himself over the last year and our fight on new years ever was the last straw. It was like the dam burst and all these things came out. He said the person i was before the marriage was false. I was very physically active when we meet. He wasn't . He lived 1 hour our of the city that i worked in. When i moved in i had to commute 2 hours a day(which i accepted). He also did not eat very healthly and i find over time it was just easier to make one meal instead of 2 because he did not want to eat healthy. I am no blaming him for my weight gain that was my own fault no one forced me. But now i have to lose it for me not for anyone else.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Your husband has his own issues to work out. Hopefully he will get counseling on how to deal with conflict in a healthier way than keeping it in till it becomes too much to bear. 

The two of you seem to have had communication problems for a while. MC could have helped with that, and still could if he is willing.

Is there another woman? How do you know? 

Are you in IC? 

This will be a long hard road for you, but in the need you can use this to become a better person in every way. Don't give up the gym, but don't you dare do it for him. Get yourself fit for yourself. Because it is what you want and need. Don't work on your listening skills or anything else in order to win him back. That won't work. But do things to improve yourself anyhow. He might come back around, or he might not. But in the end you will be better off no matter. And once you start getting fit, once you start counseling and working on your issues, you might find that you are just too mature for him now if he does not do the same.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Oh, and don't rush to divorce. The posters saying that are being very rash. Take your time. Work on yourself. Focus on your own life becoming better and better with each day. If you have lost contact with friends...get out there and make them. If you have been too focused on work, get some hobbies. Workout still. Get active. Get into counseling, etc. 

You should find out if there is an OW though...there are too many stories on here like yours in which there ended up being somebody else to ignore the possibility or say he wouldn't do that, not _him_.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I have been doing the IC since he left, I have another one next week. Any changes I make are for myself and no one else. I honestly believe there is no OW but I may be wrong and I am prepared for that if that information comes my way.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

When he says you're being selfish, what does he mean? Selfish about what? How?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I bring home stuff from the grocery store like chocolate chips to make cookies for him or whatever. I will put them somewhere that he will not know they are in the house. Because if he does know about them he will eat them before I can make the cookies. Sometimes I like to bring home these Smoked Salmon nuggets from the grocery store as a treat for myself(better than chocolate) I get upset when I he just helps himself without asking. I can see that as being selfish because I did just buy them for myself. But he could ask. I know it sounds childish but sometimes I just want something for myself without having to share it with him. I share everything else. He doesn't like that and calls me childish and selfish. He says that anything that comes in the house is first come first serve.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

So when he calls you selfish it's about sharing snacks?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Yep!!!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thjor said:


> I bring home stuff from the grocery store like chocolate chips to make cookies for him or whatever. I will put them somewhere that he will not know they are in the house. Because if he does know about them he will eat them before I can make the cookies. Sometimes I like to bring home these Smoked Salmon nuggets from the grocery store as a treat for myself(better than chocolate) I get upset when I he just helps himself without asking. I can see that as being selfish because I did just buy them for myself. But he could ask. I know it sounds childish but sometimes I just want something for myself without having to share it with him. I share everything else. He doesn't like that and calls me childish and selfish. He says that anything that comes in the house is first come first serve.


None of what you said there seems all that selfish in that he has an easy solution to both. He can go to the grocery store and buy himself whatever he wants.

I wouldn't be surprised if the driving resentment is that he thinks you were in shape and attractive to get it but then you let your self go physically once you had him. I think you said he mentioned bait&switch. It seems insulting to be judged by body rather than mind but on the flip side it feels like someone is being selfish if they change and let themselves go once married.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thundarr not sure if you were being supportive there. But I do understand what you are saying. To let you know when I first met him I liked to exercise and stay fit, I did not have a perfect body. Over the last couple of years a lot of things changed for me, I had to do a 2 hour commute everyday, I sit a lot at my job and came home and did not have a lot of time left in the day to exercise like it did before if I wanted to spend time with my husband and my dogs. He also gained a lot of weight during our first two years together but it did not bother me. He was my husband and I accepted him for who he was. I take full responsibility for my weight gain. But It would have been nice instead saying to me honey I love your curves. That he was actually not liking them. I have always thought a marriage was a partnership and if one person is doing something the other partner is not happy with, then you sit down together and see if the two can come up with a solution and work it out. Don't let it fester.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thjor said:


> Thundarr not sure if you were being supportive there.


I'm trying to be supportive but sometimes I word things poorly. Really it's just that nothing you've described about yourself sounds all that selfish so I kind speculated that his comments were coming over something else. And physical attraction is just a topic that gets dismissed as shallow but I think it's like other needs. Not important for some but very important for others. Maybe he's one it's very important to.

Really though he sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thjor said:


> Thundarr not sure if you were being supportive there. But I do understand what you are saying. To let you know when I first met him I liked to exercise and stay fit, I did not have a perfect body. Over the last couple of years a lot of things changed for me, I had to do a 2 hour commute everyday, I sit a lot at my job and came home and did not have a lot of time left in the day to exercise like it did before if I wanted to spend time with my husband and my dogs. He also gained a lot of weight during our first two years together but it did not bother me. He was my husband and I accepted him for who he was. I take full responsibility for my weight gain. But It would have been nice instead saying to me honey I love your curves. That he was actually not liking them. *I have always thought a marriage was a partnership and if one person is doing something the other partner is not happy with, then you sit down together and see if the two can come up with a solution and work it out. Don't let it fester.*


I agree with you Thjor. The suddenness is odd. Has to make you wonder why.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Any kids? Do you own or rent? Do you both work? Who makes more money? Who cooks and cleans?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Two wonderful dogs, own our house, i work full time, he is self-employed and we were just starting a new business due to open this summer. I make more money right now. i do the cleaning and for the last 2 months i have been doing 95% of the cooking. Bfore that he was working on our land trying to get the business ready for 2014 so from May till December he was out at our land living in a trailer. Working during the day and we would talk every night. He would come home every three days or so to sleep in our bed and get a shower and clean clothes. Which was my job while he was working at the land and i had no problem doing that. I like to cook and do laundry, hate cleaning the bathtub. But it kept me busy when he wasn't here and i kept in touch with friends. I figured it was least i could do since i could not be there to help develop our land. I worked on some of the marketing at home for our business as well.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> Two wonderful dogs, own our house, i work full time, he is self-employed and we were just starting a new business due to open this summer. I make more money right now. i do the cleaning and for the last 2 months i have been doing 95% of the cooking. Bfore that he was working on our land trying to get the business ready for 2014 so from May till December he was out at our land living in a trailer. Working during the day and we would talk every night. He would come home every three days or so to sleep in our bed and get a shower and clean clothes. Which was my job while he was working at the land and i had no problem doing that. I like to cook and do laundry, hate cleaning the bathtub. But it kept me busy when he wasn't here and i kept in touch with friends. I figured it was least i could do since i could not be there to help develop our land. I worked on some of the marketing at home for our business as well.


There's something going on, because it's not about money, chores, or kids...or sharing snacks. Do you two communicate well? Do you enjoy each other's company? Answer truthfully: are you two really connected? Is there deep trust, mutual respect, and complete honesty?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Don't get me wrong, money is tight just living on my income right now. We are starting up a business and we have alot of debt and he is only able to pull salary from what we are selling which lately is not a lot. He is at a convention this weekend for our business here in the city and we have another one in March. We have always talked really well, i have always trusted him with everything which is not easy since i was emotionally and physically abused in a previous marriage. When we had fights in the last year the only lasted maybe an hour before we are talking again and working out the issue for that fight calmly. I really don't understand what is going on with him. So i am leaving him alone to figure it out. I know he has asked for a separation agreement and wants me to sign over my half of the business to him. Not happening at this stage. It is too early and my counsellor asked me slow that process. It has only been two weeks since he left.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> Don't get me wrong, money is tight just living on my income right now. We are starting up a business and we have alot of debt and he is only able to pull salary from what we are selling which lately is not a lot. He is at a convention this weekend for our business here in the city and we have another one in March. We have always talked really well, i have always trusted him with everything which is not easy since i was emotionally and physically abused in a previous marriage. When we had fights in the last year the only lasted maybe an hour before we are talking again and working out the issue for that fight calmly. I really don't understand what is going on with him. So i am leaving him alone to figure it out. I know he has asked for a separation agreement and wants me to sign over my half of the business to him. Not happening at this stage. It is too early and my counsellor asked me slow that process. It has only been two weeks since he left.


You have (had) or do trust him?

How long ago was the emotionally and physically abusive marriage? Are you over it? Are you reliving it with him?



> I really don't understand what is going on with him. So i am leaving him alone to figure it out.


You won't know unless you ask him. What do you want more, him or half of the business?

Separation leads to divorce. What do you want?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

It had been 8 years since my last marriage and yes i was over what happened. My h has treated very well, never abusive. I do trust him. I don't want a divorce, i want us to work this out. He seems very confused and lost right now. The few times we have talked it keeps telling me he never wanted to hurt me and he loves me and misses me. But he can't get over the resentment he has built up over the last year and kept to himself. He is angry with me or so he says for me being selfish,i don't listen to him etc. Then he told me about the weight issue after he left. So i am just living my life without him right now and we will see what the future will bring.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I want my husband. The business is what we were starting together. My job is ending at the end of this year and I was going to be working for our business when it was done.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I think your doing really well trying to be strong & move yourself forwards. Sounds like the best thing you can do is give him space, trust me I know how hard that is when your hurting & missing someone but it will hopefully have a positive affect instead of pushing him away?

Keep your chin up & moving forward as best you can but also don't be too hard on yourself if your struggling x


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## worried_well (Sep 16, 2013)

*AW: 1 Week into our separation*

Koo


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Sorry that you are in this position. Like many here his actions and words don't seem to match. The criticism he has of you seems over the top for the transgressions you supposedly committed. Being overweight is a health issue and not a moral issue and certainly not a reason for him to leave. I would worry less about the weight per se and concentrate on doing healthy things. It you were in fitness previously you will lose weight in time.

Normally, you would expect him to front you and work on the issues together. His actions give me pause that something else is up. I think that this has more to do with him than it does you or anything you have done. I think I would look at phone records to see if anything is out of the ordinary. Under any circumstance you can't fix him, he has to do that himself. Counseling would be one way to explore this, either individually or as a couple.

I think that you need legal advise as well. I know you want to mend the marriage and you don't have to file, but you need to know your legal rights, particularly if you are starting a business. 

I think you really need to re-look your business plan. If he is wanting to separate, is this really the time to invest your money in a joint venture? You might want to put any further investments on hold until the relationship is resolved.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Well it is officially been 2 weeks since H left. It has been 4 days since he has communicated with me. Been working out and trying to keep busy. Still having those moments where i want to talk to him but have kept going with the NC. Really hard i really miss him. Really feeling in limbo right now.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor said:


> Well it is officially been 2 weeks since H left. It has been 4 days since he has communicated with me. Been working out and trying to keep busy. Still having those moments where i want to talk to him but have kept going with the NC. Really hard i really miss him. Really feeling in limbo right now.



I find the NC so hard too, we speak several times a day as we have a business together but I'm trying to let him ring instead of me ringing him - your doing amazingly well to have so much self control, well done!!! 

Limbo is horrible isn't it, feel like that's what my life consists of right now too. I just keep telling myself it won't feel like this forever.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thanks Heartbroken84. I am just having one of those days where i really miss him but i know it will not do me any good to contact him. I think i need to go do something today with my dogs.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor said:


> Thanks Heartbroken84. I am just having one of those days where i really miss him but i know it will not do me any good to contact him. I think i need to go do something today with my dogs.



Yeh try & keep busy or ring/text a friend instead? When I miss him I try to think of all his bad points that annoy me lol, doesn't work for long but worth a try haha


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Back to work this morning, head is still not in the game. It has been 5 days since we last spoke. I know he was at a convention this weekend here in the city for our business. Haven't heard a word how it went. Saw him posting on Facebook and about the dinner he went to last night with friends. Really hurting today.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor said:


> Back to work this morning, head is still not in the game. It has been 5 days since we last spoke. I know he was at a convention this weekend here in the city for our business. Haven't heard a word how it went. Saw him posting on Facebook and about the dinner he went to last night with friends. Really hurting today.



Sorry your struggling  is the NC helping you do you think or making the emotions more intense? 

Thinking of you, if you want to chat feel free to PM me.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

The NC is killing me. I talk to my friends and family a lot but I don't know what he is up to or how he is doing. I know he is at the house right now doing his laundry because I am at work. I hate this. Thanks for your support Heartbroken84, I will chat with you sometime.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Extremely pissed off right now. My H and I have an agreement that when i am at work he can come to the house and spend the day if wishes to do laundry, watch tv etc but must be gone by 6pm as that is when i normally get home or if we have made different agreements ahead of time. I have 1 hour commute home everyday so 15 mins from home i start getting texts not calls to ask me if he could have till 6:30pm in the house. Since i was driving i could not see or answer the texts. I guess since i did not answer he decided to go. I get home and he leaves all his dirty dishes for me to clean up which i think is really rude or he just wants to see if i will react to it. At this point i have not responded to him at all and i don;t think i will. It is petty and childish and i have better things to do. Thanks for letting me rant.!!!!


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Thjor, ive been following your thread. Although my situation in different, but still similar. I have learned a lot from being on TAM. It helps to vent about it.

I find myself thinking about you guys more than i think about my current separation which really helps me.
Last week i was a train wreck and this week is starting and its not so bad. 
My husband left almost a month ago and i see him all the time because of the kids.

All I know at this point is that no matter what, I will be just fine, and eventually I will be better than fine.

There will be things that we miss about our Husbands but im starting to learn there are a lot more things that I missed about my life before I met him.

Like Freedom! I don't have to answer to anymore, explain anything, negotiate, compromise... I make my own decisions and I really don't have to give a hoot about how its going to effect him... and that feels pretty darn good!

If he wants to act like a donkey... let him do just that, you will always know you didn't have to stoop that low.

Just being successful in your life and moving on with or without him will be the best most sweetest revenge. Its a win win situation. 
So keep your head up and if you ever just want to rant and rave you can PM whenever you want!

Thinking of you xo


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

T,

NC is tough because it's so good for you. You had NC with him before you met him, right? What were you doing back then?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Pissed is good. It's pretty insulting that he thinks you're supposed to clean up after him. Maybe he was having a screw her moment, a pity party, wanted to get a response, or just thinks you still want to do stuff for him. Any of those reasons are thoughtless toward you though.

You're right. You do have better things to do. Taking care of yourself mentally and physically is more important that either being taken for granted or being pulled into discussion in a cowardly way. Not sure which he's doing.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

You guys are awesome. Calmed down now, did a workout and cleaned up the kitchen. But sill NC with him. Still don't get what he was thinking.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I'd be furious too!! Maybe he wanted to argue & thought it would get your back up, glad you didn't respond & give him that satisfaction!!

Glad your feeling a bit better - yes I'm always here if you want to chat


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Yes today is a better day. I am off today using up some built up vacation time. Doing a good workout today and maybe spend some time creating something for dinner tonight in the crockpot. I don't understand why it is so hard for him to see or talk to me. It is so impersonal to text. He knows my routine. He is such a coward. I'm not sure at this point if i want him to come back. With this kinda of personality showing, not sure if that is the type of man i want to be with. But i still do miss him. Weird


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi Thjor,
As you know we are sharing the same dilemma and I am having all the same feelings you are. I've only been in this for about a week now but the one thing I have figured out pretty quickly is since my husband doesn't want to try and work things out I am much better off having no contact with him. The first couple of days he would stop by to pick stuff up and I would try and ignore him and just let him get his stuff and get the heck out but then he'd say we needed to talk. I guess just so he could reinforce that he was divorcing me. Of course I would be a basket case when he left. I finally told him on the third day not to come back to the house or call me. He could email or text me if he needed something but that was it. I'm still a bundle of emotions and cry A LOT, but it's easier to handle if I don't have to see him or hear him. I don't have to keep going through that pain.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I agree somedays the NC is heaven but then some days it kills me and i end having a pity party for myself. I find as the days go by i don't seem to be having as many pity parties as i did at first. I would recommend seeing a counselor i know it has helped me since this started. We did see a MC for only 2 sessions before he decided he had enough. The weird thing is the last time i talked to hin he really does not know what he is doing. He is very lost.

Terrijw don't let him tear you down. If he starts that again, walk away or hang up. He is just being a bully and i know after the last 2 months of hearing it from my H that i am not going to put up with it anymore.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor,

Why have a pity party? Why not have a real party with your family and friends? If they're scarce go make new friends. Work overtime if you can. Or get a second job. Or go to the gym. Say hello to an attractive man there. I bet he would talk to you.

Not ready for that? Hit the food court at the mall. Go to church. Not religious? Go to a sporting goods store, lots of people there. Same with clothing stores. Join a meetup group. Go shopping. ...you don't have to buy anything if you don't want. Join a dating site. Get a friend with benefits if that's your thing. You can do these things if you want. You are under no obligation to wait around for someone who isn't showing interest in you.

You can sit around waiting to feel better or you can try to make yourself feel better.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

On the days that i'm not having a pity party i am going out with friends. working out spending time with my dogs going to the movies all of those things, i also do have to watch my money right now as well and be smart. I have to be prepared for a lawyer and moving, new furniture all those kinda of things. I have a great set of family and friends. Even my in laws who live down the street from our house still come over 1 week to have coffee with me. We don't talk about my H and I but it is still nice to have their company. My father in law helped me fix some stuff on the house lately which was really nice. My brother in law came over with the snow blower and helped me clear an area because H had not brought in our snow blower for repairs yet and he has the truck to take it over. So i am keeping busy. I just signed up to do some volunteer work for the Admin page on a lost dog alert. So i think that will be fun. Make some new friends.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So last night he calls and we end up talking for 1 1.2 hours and all he really does is tell me that he can;t get over the resentment he has built up for me and he wants a divorce. Mainly he wants to know what i want for the separation agreement. He even had the nerve to say that i would take him for everything including the business. I am not an vindictive person. I told him what i want and he was surprised and ashamed that he had thought that of me. I told him i never want to see him again once this is all and done. I told him i want no contact with him unless absolute necessary. Signing papers and stuff. Cried my eyes out last night and very tired this morning. Off to work i go. At least now i know where i am headed.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Thjor said:


> So last night he calls and we end up talking for 1 1.2 hours and all he really does is tell me that he can;t get over the resentment he has built up for me and he wants a divorce. Mainly he wants to know what i want for the separation agreement. He even had the nerve to say that i would take him for everything including the business. I am not an vindictive person. I told him what i want and he was surprised and ashamed that he had thought that of me. I told him i never want to see him again once this is all and done. I told him i want no contact with him unless absolute necessary. Signing papers and stuff. Cried my eyes out last night and very tired this morning. Off to work i go. At least now i know where i am headed.


Sorry to hear this for you. It's sad that so many people suffer for the selfish.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor said:


> So last night he calls and we end up talking for 1 1.2 hours and all he really does is tell me that he can;t get over the resentment he has built up for me and he wants a divorce. Mainly he wants to know what i want for the separation agreement. He even had the nerve to say that i would take him for everything including the business. I am not an vindictive person. I told him what i want and he was surprised and ashamed that he had thought that of me. I told him i never want to see him again once this is all and done. I told him i want no contact with him unless absolute necessary. Signing papers and stuff. Cried my eyes out last night and very tired this morning. Off to work i go. At least now i know where i am headed.




So sorry your having to go through this  how very selfish of him.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I think for some people their inability to forgive creates resentment which uncages selfishness. Good luck to him. The grass isn't always greener.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

I am so sorry for what you are going through.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Well not so bad at work today. Told more people about what is going on and that I will have to move in the next 6 months. So I have to start collecting boxes to pack and such. Actually looking forward to moving back into the city and not have the 2 hour commute everyday. Although in the summertime where I live right now is fantastic. It is a cottage town in the summer. So I get at least one last summer there. Spoke to my in laws today and gave them the update since H is not talking to anyone. They are sad. They usually take care of my dogs when I at work. So they will miss them. I told them that they are welcome to come and visit anytime when they are in the city. They really liked that.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

It's good that you have a good relationship with your in laws and can keep in touch, I'm not surprised they're upset though I'm sure they'll miss you lots.

How are you feeling after telling them & others at work?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I am feeling very sad right now. I cry very easily and this situation does not help. At least if this works out, I will debt free except for a mortgage on a new house and closer to work. I will have my 2 dogs which are the ones keeping me sane at home right now. They cuddle with me every night. I have really good family and friends and you guys here on TAM are helping. It is nice to know I have this type of support.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> I am feeling very sad right now. I cry very easily and this situation does not help. At least if this works out, I will debt free except for a mortgage on a new house and closer to work. I will have my 2 dogs which are the ones keeping me sane at home right now. They cuddle with me every night. I have really good family and friends and you guys here on TAM are helping. It is nice to know I have this type of support.


You're not alone. You're with us. We're the D Class of 2014 and we're going to make it!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor said:


> I am feeling very sad right now. I cry very easily and this situation does not help. At least if this works out, I will debt free except for a mortgage on a new house and closer to work. I will have my 2 dogs which are the ones keeping me sane at home right now. They cuddle with me every night. I have really good family and friends and you guys here on TAM are helping. It is nice to know I have this type of support.



Your absolutely not alone although I do know how lonely it can feel at times, I'm always here for PM if you just want to have a natter or rant. 

Your doing amazing, don't underestimate yourself


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So get this, he texts me today to see if i can find him a better rate at another hotel than what he is paying now with breakfast and parking. Don't know why i did it, but i called his hotel and talked to the manager on duty and got her to reduce it for him. Sometimes i think i am just too nice. At least he said thank you. and i did not tell him to go jump off a cliff lol


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> So get this, he texts me today to see if i can find him a better rate at another hotel than what he is paying now with breakfast and parking. Don't know why i did it, but i called his hotel and talked to the manager on duty and got her to reduce it for him. Sometimes i think i am just too nice. At least he said thank you. and i did not tell him to go jump off a cliff lol


What? Why did you reply to his text? NC!

If he texts you about divorce text back, "I will not discuss divorce through text messaging. Please address divorce concerns in writing and send to me by mail or email. I hope is well." 

All other texts...ignore. NC.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Your right, i had a weak moment. But you would be proud of me, tonight he texted he missed me, no response from me. Then he phoned the house and i did not pick up even though he sounded so sad.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Remain NC. Him reaching out and asking you to find him a cheaper rate at a hotel was his way of opening up the lines of communication. Don't fall for it.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

He is starting to see what an ass he is and what a quality woman you are


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thjor said:


> So get this, he texts me today to see if i can find him a better rate at another hotel than what he is paying now with breakfast and parking. Don't know why i did it, but i called his hotel and talked to the manager on duty and got her to reduce it for him. Sometimes i think i am just too nice. At least he said thank you. and i did not tell him to go jump off a cliff lol


You helped out of habit probably. The real benefit of following the 180 is about gaining your personal identity back and taking that control back. It's not about the other person even though it does change how they see you. It's usually makes them see what they're losing.

If you're not ready to let the relationship go then NC is important. But let's face it, the way he's gone about this has made him look weak and selfish. It wouldn't be a surprise to find that you wouldn't want to try it again even if he does change. If that's the case then NC doesn't do much for you. Amicable serves the purpose just fine.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> Your right, i had a weak moment. But you would be proud of me, tonight he texted he missed me, no response from me. Then he phoned the house and i did not pick up even though he sounded so sad.


He knows where you live. It sounds cliche but it's true: if he was really sorry he'd be banging on your door begging for forgiveness.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Honestly i really don't know right now, so confused. He phoned again last night and he just wanted to talk. So i picked up and we talked just about what we have been doing, about the dogs, i kept it brief and i sounded strong and happy. I did not bring up us. I told him i had taken the car in yesterday to get a oil change(which would have been his job) got them to check the car over and he was impressed(really not that big of a deal i did it before i met him) He tells me that he misses me and the dogs, no response from me. I don't know maybe he is starting to understand what he has done. I guess that means i still continue with NC. I have an appointment with my IC today. HE is telling me to follow the 180 as well i will see what he says about what has happened.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So went to IC today and he told me i am doing well following the steps. Then this afternoon i got 4 calls from H which i did not answer, then he texted me it was urgent. I called him back and he thought i was still in the city and wanted to know if i wanted to go to dinner with him. I explained i was home already and i have a phone call planned with a friend later that evening but i could do dinner tomorrow after work. He agreed. After that i am talking to my mom and he texts me that he really needs to see me today, i don't answer and then he texts me if he means anything to me i will go to dinner with him tonight. I tell my mom and she says he is bullying me. I agree he is. I hang up with mom and call him back. I explained once again i had plans with a friends. He says that if i want a chance at getting our marriage back together i will meet him tonight. If he matters to me at all i will come. I caved and i went to dinner. It was only an hour, when he first saw me outside the restaurant he gave me a huge bear hug that caught me off guard and then he told me i have lost weight(which i have). The dinner went well, we did not talk about our relationship. He paid. He invited me back to his hotel room but i told him it was too much too soon and i would like to take baby steps and he was ok with that. So we said goodnight no physical contact and then i drove the hour home. I am still moving forward with the NC and with the plan that we are still divorcing. I still want to work on me and make myself stronger.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I wasn't sure whether to hit like or not. He seems to be doing what you want but I think it's possible he'll cycle away especially if you sleep with him.

Stay strong

I wish the 180 worked for everyone (like dumb ol' me  )


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Be careful that he's not just making sure that your there as an option? Be sure that he is willing to commit to the marriage if that's what you want?

Sounds like 180 has had a positive affect on you both, how you feeling about it all?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> So went to IC today and he told me i am doing well following the steps. Then this afternoon i got 4 calls from H which i did not answer, then he texted me it was urgent. I called him back and he thought i was still in the city and wanted to know if i wanted to go to dinner with him. I explained i was home already and i have a phone call planned with a friend later that evening but i could do dinner tomorrow after work. He agreed. After that i am talking to my mom and he texts me that he really needs to see me today, i don't answer and then he texts me if he means anything to me i will go to dinner with him tonight. I tell my mom and she says he is buulying me. I agree he is. I hang up with mom and call him back. I explained once again i had plans with a friends. He says that if i want a chance at getting our marriage back together i will meet him tonight. If he matters to me at all i will come. I caved and i went to dinner. It was only an hour, when he first saw me outside the restaurant he gave me a huge bear hug that caught me off guard and then he told me i have lost weight(which i have). The dinner went well, we did not talk about our relationship. He paid. He invited me back to his hotel room but i told him it was too much too soon and i would like to take baby steps and he was ok with that. So we said goodnight no physical contact and then i drove the hour home. I am still moving forward with the NC and with the plan that we are still divorcing. I still want to work on me and make myself stronger.


Wow, he's playing you like a piano. Go away, come back, call me, come meet me etc.

Trust me. The next time he dumps you it will hurt worse than the first time. I've been there.

You need to act like you don't give a bleep about him even though you do. If he does care he will adjust his behaviors because you're worth it to him.

If he knows you're moving on he will notice.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I am still moving forward with the taking care of myself and not worrying about him. He has been texting me this morning but not answering. I don't regret going to the dinner. But if at some point he decides to try then we will need to sit down and come up with a plan to move forward. There will be no going back to this crap. So as far as I know we are still getting a divorce and that is how I am proceeding. So glad I did not go back to the hotel room with him.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Good on you for saying no, I'm not sure id be able to right now lol! I promised myself I would turn him down but not sure if I actually would haha.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> I am still moving forward with the taking care of myself and not worrying about him. He has been texting me this morning but not answering. I don't regret going to the dinner. But if at some point he decides to try then we will need to sit down and come up with a plan to move forward. There will be no going back to this crap. So as far as I know we are still getting a divorce and that is how I am proceeding. So glad I did not go back to the hotel room with him.


HE told you he wanted a divorce, he moved out, and he said he resents you.

YOU want to talk more...if he decides. 

Why don't you give him what he wants? 

Do you enjoy being his Plan B? Do you like being on standby as his on call dinner date? 

Go 180. Initiate the divorce. You can always stop it.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

If we have a chance at reconciling that I am going to consider it. But there has to be changes on both of our parts. There are some things that will be non-negotiable on my part if he wants to come back. Example we will have to see a MC. But right now I don't that is going to happen and I am moving forward for me. Boxes are still coming home with me, so I can start packing some of the stuff in the house that I am not using.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to be careful of this guy, he is wanting to control you and put you back in the plan B, column. There should not be any sex until all women are out of the picture and you two are in counseling for a few weeks. His behavior is very manipulative and should not be tolerated. He does not respect you when gives you this ultimatum, after saying he is finished. He is saying he is more important than anything you had going. His didn't talking about how you two were going to fix the marriage, he just wanted his physical needs met. I would think very seriously about reconciliation.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I said no and did not want to sleep with him. He was ok with that and understood. It was the first meeting in awhile and i am not defending him. But i know there are no other women involved for a fact. I honestly think he is goin through a mid life crisis because it is not just me he is treating like this, his family too. But again i am focusing on me and making myself stronger.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thjor said:


> I said no and did not want to sleep with him. He was ok with that and understood. It was the first meeting in awhile and i am not defending him. But i know there are no other women involved for a fact. I honestly think he is goin through a mid life crisis because it is not just me he is treating like this, his family too. But again i am focusing on me and making myself stronger.


Thjor, Just make sure you're price tag is set high on the other side of this. If you're with him then he should know he's got a prize and if not then he should know he lost one.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I promise everyone that i am going forward as we are divorcing. He has not said otherwise. Bought boxes home this weekend to start packing up some small stuff. It will be months before i can move out and find my own house. But i figure if i start with small stuff now it won't feel so overwhelming down the road when i actually have to move.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Thjor said:


> I said no and did not want to sleep with him. He was ok with that and understood. It was the first meeting in awhile and i am not defending him. But i know there are no other women involved for a fact. I honestly think he is goin through a mid life crisis because it is not just me he is treating like this, his family too. But again i am focusing on me and making myself stronger.


Hi

I didn't read the whole thread but I have been in a similar situation.

Perhaps, his affair has come to end since and you happen to be his old wife to go back to until someone better comes up? I agree with others. He left you once. He will sure do it again (the history suggests that..)


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I know for a fact there is no OW. He is not having an affair. Even so i have got a name of a lawyer and will be contacting him on Monday to move forward with a separation agreement.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Hi

I do hear this time and time again from wives stating "oh my husband is never seeing anybody or he's not having an affair.." etc. That's fine and that's how you feel and that's also valid to you.

However, I often find these comments slightly out of touch (if not being naive about men's sexuality). Men's sexuality is the highest of his being, linked closely to his self-confidence and emotional well-being. We also live in a society where convenient commercial sex with the most gorgeous young women are only a few clicks away wherever you are. 

He said you gained weight in the past. He knows how attractive thinner women are to him. He may not have been sexual towards his wife but that does not mean he will be when he's with other women. I'm sure I get flamed by saying this but unless a man is an eunuch, he is a sexual being. Not that it matters much since you are moving on. Wish you all the best xx


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am staying strong and still moving forward. Packed some stuff up yesterday that i'm not using and once it warms up here will be moving it out to the garage for moving day in a couple of months.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Had to break the NC rule this weekend due to the washing machine and the bathroom sink having issues. Tried to fix myself, got some of it fixed but certain things i cannot do. Talked to him about it and he is coming out here tomorrow to fix it when i am at work. I think he should since he is going to get the house anyways. The calls went good, no tension just talked about the issues and he teased me a bit about having 2 in one weekend. He will be a little surprised tomorrow when he see packed boxes already in the house. What can i say i have always been very organized. Back to the NC rule unless an emergency comes up.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So no contact so far this week. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. It will a while before anything can happen with the divorce. Working on what I want for the separation agreement.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Good on you Thor, must be hard for you - the limbo feeling is horrible isn't it, is it the divorce you feel in limbo about or the while thing in general?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I think just in general. I don't know when he is going to file for divorce. But at least I'm working on the separation agreement to protect myself. I know this divorce may bankrupt him. Anyways just getting through each day. Concentrating on my job. Working out, talking to my mom and my friends. Taking care of my dogs. Trying new recipes. I have another IC appt next Thursday.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Sounds as positive as it can be, keep it up and keep moving forwards - sounds like you have a good support network around you? 

I'm wondering at the moment whether to go straight to divorce or just do a separation agreement - I'm scared of filing cos deep in my heart it isn't what I want, yet my head knows it's what I need. So hard!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Tonight was bad. H texted me he was mad because 2 of our clients for the business found out we were separated on my Facebook status and were upset. So he spent time with them and everything is fine but he of course is mad at me. Told I am not lying to people and we are separated. I don't talk about it on Facebook and I am not friends with these clients on Facebook not sure how they saw it. Then he proceeds to tell me that I am out yo destroy him and his business(which I am half owner). Which is total bull. I think he is starting to realize that there are consequences to every decision you make. So I told him that I want him to file as soon as possible and I will get the separation agreement going with my lawyer. 

I asked him why he asked me to dinner last week and he said to see if there were any changes and there wasn't. Totally hurt!!! Crying right now. Told me everything is my fault and he did nothing wrong. I was a bad wife since we got married. So upset right now!!!!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Hang in there.

I'm ramping up consequences myself! Go for it. 

Just like you, I went to separated on Facebook, she's still married... huh? 

Keep moving on !


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Thjor said:


> Tonight was bad. H texted me he was mad because 2 of our clients for the business found out we were separated on my Facebook status and were upset.
> 
> I think he is starting to realize that there are consequences to every decision you make. So I told him that I want him to file as soon as possible and I will get the separation agreement going with my lawyer.
> 
> I was a bad wife since we got married. So upset right now!!!!


Hi

Perhaps, he probably felt that you were "broadcasting" the separation with the entire world on the Facebook. He only assumed mistakingly that you would keep things "discreet" for the time being, perhaps? I think that is a major wishful thinking. 

He left you. You didn't leave him. You still don't know if there is / was OW / OM..you never checked his mobile or emails, inappropriate use of computer... You will eventually find out if he was a "good husband" being faithful and loving himself when he calls you a bad wife... Stay strong and be brave xx


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

It's much much easier for a person to lay the blame at someone else's feet than to swallow that pill & take responsibility for their own faults.

Do not listen to him, you may or may not have had your faults BUT that is your responsibility to explore and not his - the only person he has any right to look at is himself & he's too cowardly to do that so he'll point the finger your way instead.

Keep your chin up & be strong, you can do it.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

T,

Are you noticing what he does instead of what he says? Mine had her FB listed as married all through 9 months of separation. An hour after she pulled plug for good her FB went to single, her profile picture changed and all references to me were deleted. I think she works for Orwell's Ministry of Truth. 

Your H doesn't want the truth to be known. Why if he hasn't done anything wrong?

He told you 2 clients found out and that upsets him. Why? There's nothing to be ashamed of if someone HONESTLY falls out of love with someone. 

Protect yourself from cake eating and gas lighting. Stay NC and 180. He is saying you're a bad wife because you are: you're not hiding his POS behaviors. That's bad for him. His kind of good wife would put up with his crap. You are better than that.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Got to work this morning and I have already left a message with a divorce lawyer that my friend recommended. I want to get the separation agreement in place as soon as possible to protect myself.

My favorite quote from him yesterday was "I'm living alone in a hotel, you stole my house and my dog" We have 2 dogs but he feels Willow is supposed to be his. He is the one that left me, he had the option to live in the house in the spare bedroom until we figured things out. He decided not too. He was the one that said I could live in the house until we figure things out but he throws that in my face and also tells me I have been a bad wife since we got married. Told him that we do not need to speak any longer. I will leave the separation papers on the table once I get them from the lawyer. I expect him to start transferring everything into his name once the separation agreement is signed. He is going to have a good time doing that. I have agreed to give him the house(it was his grandmothers), the business. He has to also get the truck loan over to his name and the business loan. He still has 3 years left on his bankruptcy. Can you tell he has not really thought this through? Sarcasm!!!! 

Still upset today. Crying very easily.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Hi Thjor. Just read your thread. Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your husband, much like mine, is very manipulative. You have done a good job of handling things though. I would keep the conversations short, business like. Don't get pulled into his web no matter what he says. And like others have said, focus on his actions. It's hard to pull yourself away, especially after a long time, caring and trying to make it work. Be strong, and put yourself first.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So below is a copy of an email I got from H this morning regarding the facebook incident and about our separation agreement. Just so everyone knows, yes he pays the mortgage on the house and I pay all utilities and groceries and I pay for the vet bills and dog food. So I am not a free loader as he makes me out to be. And in the end he will end up with the house.

"I want you to know something. You are responsible for your actions, even if the outcome isn't what you intended. You PROMISED me clients would not find out from facebook. They did, VIA YOUR actions. In breach of what we agreed. I saved those clients, but lost 2-3 hours in front of new potential clients at prime time at the convention because of it, some overheard, and will never come back now. That was because of you. That really hurt the business. You always think if something happens via your actions and it wasn't what you intended you're not responsible. YOU ARE. Our whole marriage was like that, incident after incident. It's the main reason why I left you. Even on the phone all you wanted me to do was take responsibility. Sometimes Trish, it's your fault because of your actions even if the outcome isn't what you intended. 

you're getting free rent right now AND both dogs and my car. That isn't fair for me.

remember what you brought into this, debt.
I had everything before you, including credit as I had a mortage in my name on the land.
I've gone forward finding credit too. It's never been an issue for me, I never NEEDED you for that. You know that."

This is what I believe, if you have ANY integrity, ask for what you think you would have on your own today if you never met me 3 years ago, or married me a year and a 1/2 ago. That's what EVERYONE I've talked to has said would be fair." 

So would love to hear what everyone thinks. Am I wrong?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I think he's an absolute ASS!!! Jesus he thinks a lot of himself doesn't he, this has made me so angry so you must be livid, he's controlling & a bully, simple as that!

Hugs to you  sorry your having to endure this!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Actually really hurt and angry believe or not. What happened to the man I married????? I have an appointment at 9:30am with a lawyer.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> So below is a copy of an email I got from H this morning regarding the facebook incident and about our separation agreement. Just so everyone knows, yes he pays the mortgage on the house and I pay all utilities and groceries and I pay for the vet bills and dog food. So I am not a free loader as he makes me out to be. And in the end he will end up with the house.
> 
> "I want you to know something. You are responsible for your actions, even if the outcome isn't what you intended. You PROMISED me clients would not find out from facebook. They did, VIA YOUR actions. In breach of what we agreed. I saved those clients, but lost 2-3 hours in front of new potential clients at prime time at the convention because of it, some overheard, and will never come back now. That was because of you. That really hurt the business. You always think if something happens via your actions and it wasn't what you intended you're not responsible. YOU ARE. Our whole marriage was like that, incident after incident. It's the main reason why I left you. Even on the phone all you wanted me to do was take responsibility. Sometimes Trish, it's your fault because of your actions even if the outcome isn't what you intended.
> 
> ...


Does right or wrong really matter if you love someone? No, not really. The small stuff gets swept away easily. Hugs and kisses can fix lots of things....

You're WAY beyond that now. He said he resents you and wants a divorce. He moved out. When I loved my wife I wanted to move in.

We can only go by what you are sharing. It was a year ago tomorrow that I left Scrooge for a week. I didn't want to, but I needed to show her how serious our problems were becoming. Is your hubby doing that to you! Or does he really want a divorce? If he wanted the divorce, what's stopping him?

I know you don't want a divorce because if you did you wouldn't be here. As crazy as it sounds, if you want to save this marriage you got to be willing to lose it. File for divorce. If he doesn't want a divorce, he will let you know. If he doesn't let you know, then there's your answer.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I agree picture less!!! I'm just so tired of one week nice as pie and the next bad mouthing me all over the place. He refuses to claim any responsibility in the breakdown of this marriage. I know I was not perfect and I am working on those issues. I am considering filing for divorce. I will bring it to the lawyer on Thursday.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Thjor stay strong.

My two cents - do not respond to this message or any other message like this. Don't get sucked into his web. Just walk away. He is trying to manipulate the situation, same as he did with the dinner. After all, if he wanted to see you that night, why didn't he come to see you or do it on your terms, as suppose to having you cancel your plans and having you go over to see him.

Work on yourself, only through this will you know what you want.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

More calm today. Nc so far. Just getting things together for the lawyer on Thursday. Thinking more about being the one that files for divorce not him. Need to take control of what's happening to me. Packing up some of my crystal and Denby today. Dropping them off at my moms for safe keeping. Still going to be awhile before I can move but it makes me feel better to get started on the process.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Had dinner with my inlaws tonight and kinda told them some of what is going on. You know what they said? They are not happy that they are losing me. Almost started crying. Told them they are always welcome in my home and that they will always be welcome in my new home and they can always come and see their grand puppies.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor said:


> Had dinner with my inlaws tonight and kinda told them some of what is going on. You know what they said? They are not happy that they are losing me. Almost started crying. Told them they are always welcome in my home and that they will always be welcome in my new home and they can always come and see their grand puppies.



My in-laws are devastated too  hard isn't it, it's good they are wanting to keep in touch with you & stay on good terms. 

How you feeling today?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Doing ok not exactly the best, but getting through each day. Nervous about the lawyer on Thursday. I know I need to do this just feeling like this is it. I just wish it had not come to this. But I cannot change what has been done. Just work on myself for the future.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So scared about the lawyer tomorrow, freaking myself out right now. I got all the papers together that he wanted. Have it written out what we have agreed too. My mom came up with a different idea today that would leave me with the house for 5 years, leave him with less debt so he could get the business running but can't talk to him about it right now because he is still pissed at me for showing our separation on Facebook. So maybe when he calms down and wants to talk I will present him with the idea. It would mean I would not have to move and in five years he could have the house back in his family.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Thjor said:


> So scared about the lawyer tomorrow, freaking myself out right now. I got all the papers together that he wanted. Have it written out what we have agreed too. My mom came up with a different idea today that would leave me with the house for 5 years, leave him with less debt so he could get the business running but can't talk to him about it right now because he is still pissed at me for showing our separation on Facebook. So maybe when he calms down and wants to talk I will present him with the idea. It would mean I would not have to move and in five years he could have the house back in his family.


First determine if you are going to hire the lawyer. If they meet your needs then run the idea by them. If the lawyer agrees with the idea they can inform your husband. Nice. Now there's even less need for contact with him. Go dark and silent. He'll notice. Watch what he does.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Went to the lawyer today. Didn't go as I planned. I like the lawyer he showed me that my h was trying to screw me out of a lot of things. He is trying yo bully me into a quick settlement. So I have been advised to slow down and don't sign anything until h can prove that can financially do what he is saying. Good ness he cannot kick me out of the house. Bad news he could end up with one of the dogs which iam very upset at. But the way I figure it if he wants me sign over my half of the business to him then I get custody of both the dogs. The dogs are like my kids and I will be heartbroken if I lose one of them. But the lawyer says I have the upper hand since he is self employed and has no income right now plus he has 3 years before his bankruptcy will be cleared off his record. Really upset right now and crying!!!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thjor i'm really sorry it didnt go as planned, what is it thats upset you the most? About the dogs, try not to panic as from what you've said it's only a possibility at the moment isnt it? Hugs.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I just don't like where this is at I want it over and done with but everyone keeps telling me to stand up for myself against him and dint let him bully me. He never used to be like this and that is why I am sad.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yeh its hard seeing someone you knew so well turn into a complete stranger isnt it, its one of the things i've struggled with so much too because in my head I still think of him as the man I loved but he clearly isnt that man anymore.

Do you think the D will mean its "over and done" though, I felt the same then realised that its actually just a piece of paper and I still need to go through the grieving/healing process regardless of how quick or slow the D is. 

Keep strong, your doing amazingly well x


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Don't feel like i am doing very well at all. I feel sad, lonely , heartbroken, and lost. Can't stop crying today!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

((( Thjor )))

Your not alone, inbox me if you need to, i'm here for you & know just how your feeling - thats something that i've found of great comfort, knowing that people on here truly "get it" and arent just pretending to understand.


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## terrijw (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi Thjor,

I know what you are feeling. It's so hard. One day you think you have it under control and the next it's like the first day all over again. I'm so happy when I've made it through almost a full day without tears and then in the most unlikely places I will feel as if I'm falling apart and can't get it under control. 

The one thing I have learned is just to go with it. I've accepted that my emotions and feelings are going to be all over the place for right now and the one thing I can control is to allow myself to go through them and not feel guilty about those emotions. It's still painful, I know, but just roll with it. If you need to curl up on the couch under the comforter and watch hours of Gilligan's Island (yes that's been many of my evenings) just go with it. 

Let yourself grieve and slowly you will be able to not hurt so much and start trying to live your life. My friends and family told me to get out and do stuff and I felt guilty because I didn't want to. Finally I just gave in to the grief and stayed home and cried. I needed that time and still need it here and there. But I am starting to feel a little more confident - and you will, too. It just takes time.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Concrete and Abstract Losses
Day 88

Your depression is directly related to the losses you have experienced as a result of your divorce. There are two main types of losses: concrete and abstract. Concrete losses are measurable, such as the loss of income, a spouse, or your car. Abstract losses cannot be measured. These losses include the loss of self-esteem, dreams, or affection. Both types of losses are important and need to be grieved.

The greater your losses, the greater the depression.

“You will only grieve something that means something to you,” says Bonnie Keen. “Grief is actually a way of honoring what your marriage meant. I did believe in my marriage. I did believe that I would stay married forever, and this is now a death. This is a grieving time.”

Rose Sweet encourages you to express your grief: “You have to mourn all of your losses. Mourning is such an important part of the cleansing process. In the Bible, people would go out and mourn and wail and weep. We don’t do that anymore. We stuff everything, and we try to smile for the camera. We forget that mourning is part of God’s design for us to get all those negative feelings and energies out so that we can heal completely.”

Allow yourself to grieve and to be depressed. You have sustained a major loss. Let your body do what it was designed to do.

“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NLT).


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Today is a little better, still feeling a bit numb. At least I have had not contact with H since Monday so 3 days so far. I am glad he did not contact me yesterday it would not have been good. He did know I was seeing a lawyer yesterday. I am so tired, I just want to sleep. I still can't believe what is happening and the reasons why still astound me to this day. But I have to make it through. I am following the lawyer's advice and slowing down the separation agreement until H can prove he can meet the financial requirements he has set out to achieve.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Glad your having a better day Thjor, hope things continue to improve as much as they can.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I'm betting in the long run you will be happier, more fulfilled, and better off without him.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Still not doing so we'll feel like I am having a mental breakdown this week. Also got told at work today that I need to get my head back in the game. Skating on thin ice. They are understanding but in my job if I make mistakes it could cost the hotel money. I am a revenue manager. Going take tonight as my last night of having a pity party and have 2 days to get my head back on track. Can't afford to lose my job and can't let him affect my life like this.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. 

I'm feeling the same this week. I know this is tough odd downright hard . ((Hugs)) I don't know how but I know you will survive this. 

It's terrible how this is taking over our lives. But we will get through this

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Feeling a bit better today. Got today and tomorrow to get my head back on track.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Good for you hun! Xoxo

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

So glad today is a better day


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Thjor said:


> Still not doing so we'll feel like I am having a mental breakdown this week. Also got told at work today that I need to get my head back in the game. Skating on thin ice. They are understanding but in my job if I make mistakes it could cost the hotel money. I am a revenue manager. Going take tonight as my last night of having a pity party and have 2 days to get my head back on track. Can't afford to lose my job and can't let him affect my life like this.


Same thing happened to me. I did start to get back on track. Not always, but better. You CAN do it.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Feeling better today. Stayed home all weekend with the dogs and just cleaned, watched some shows. Slept basically just relaxed. Been almost a week since last contact with h.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Thjor said:


> Feeling better today. Stayed home all weekend with the dogs and just cleaned, watched some shows. Slept basically just relaxed. Been almost a week since last contact with h.


You'll find the less contact the better! Glad you are relaxing a little bit. Cleaning, enjoying yourself is great therapy!

Do something with friends!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Well what a day today. H showed up unexpected and he needs to be back in the home as he cannot afford a hotel. He started yelling because i did not have the lawyers papers here but I only met with the lawyer on Thursday and won't have them for a while. He was so angry and I was calm. He kept yelling and I finally called the cops to get him out of here until he would calm down. But he also called the cops and told them I threatened him with a knife(which I did not). You have to now him, he knows how to work the system and he hates cops. So when they came here I told them what happened and he lied straight to the cops. I know they believed me or they would have arrested me. He left for a while and tried to tell me the cops believed him. Utter bs!!! Anyways he came back.

We talked for about an hour calmly and come up with a roommate agreement for the next couple of months. He will be moving out to the land and living there. He is now thinking about my offer to take the house and the dogs.. He is seriously considering it because it will help his debt load and I can afford it on my own. He was not planning on living here anyways. He was going to rent it out. So he will let me know in a week. Then I will get the separation agreement started and we can move forward yeah!!!

Just so everyone knows the only reason I called the cops on him is because he would not stop yelling. He would never hurt me and never has. He had not threatened me either. He just would not stop yelling. I'm hurt that he would lie like that about me, when I would never hurt anyone. But it is what it is, now we have finally come to an a arrangement and things are now calm. I stood up for myself today against him and called BS on his lies he was telling me.

What a day!!! Tired and going to bed snuggling with my pups.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Feeling strangely calm today. Did not sleep well last night as he is in the house again and I got used to him not being there. But even though the final decision on the separation agreement is not on paper yet, feeling good where I am at. I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are a ways off yet, but if I can get this separation agreement signed off then some of the pressure is off me and I will feel more secure about my future.

I have told him in no uncertain terms, that while he is living in the house again, there will be no fighting. I have had enough and don't wish to keep re hashing everything that went wrong in our marriage as he is not moving forward and I am.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Bet that's strange having him back isn't it, not sure how I'd react to that either. It's good your staying focused on you & moving forwards, your doing so well! Hope there's no more arguments & things can be as peaceful as possible - keep us updated!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Why would you allow a person you're divorcing to move back in with you?

Why would you let a person who lied to the police about you stay in your home?

Do you expect sympathy from other people when you admit you knew you were in no real danger but you called the police on him anyway?

You and HB do not understand the concept of NC and 180. 

Good luck. Hope it works out for you.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> You and HB do not understand the concept of NC and 180.



NC is impossible with 2 children & a business partnership, I've never claimed to be having no contact as it isn't possible right now.

180 is about doing the opposite of what you have been doing, which is exactly what I'm doing - the 180 isn't a set of rules it's about tailoring it to suit your situation and what works for YOU, how do you know what I do & don't understand?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Big mistake to let him back in. I realize if both your names are on the mortgage, there may be little you can do to keep him out. But I think this is not a wise move.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I have no choice, the law says he can be there. It looks like it will be only for about 2 months until he can move to the land. We have sat down and came up with a written roommate agreement so we can coexist. It is not going to be easy but not every situation is simple. I understand what Pictureless, Happy a as clam and Heartbroken84 are saying. But I am the one who has to make the decision for myself and my future. 

And no I don't expect sympathy from anyone, I knew after the fact I should not have called the cops, but I paniced and it was too late at that point. I could not get him to stop yelling. At the least situation is now manageable and I will be the one living with it for the next two months. But at least by next week I will have the agreement started and my future will be more secure. 

Not expecting anyone to understand, financially we are in a bind and don't have many options open to us right now. I know I am still following the 180 and the NC is hard now but we are both grown adults and we both came up with our roommate agreement so we can both live through this peacefully.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So far doing ok with him back in the house. We are being civil. He seems so sad and lost. But not falling for it. He needs to figure his own crap out. He is supposed to let me know about the agreement by Friday. Off to the IC today and finishing off my taxes.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Hi Thjor, I read your update. All I can say is good luck living together, hope it stays peaceful.

I tried the living in the same house while separated, it did not work for me, so even though it is my house, I moved out. Probably one of the best/smartest decisions I have made. Staying away from the person helps build strength, which you have probably lost while going through all the problems in your marriage/relationship, and helps get some clarity. However, if you can't get away, you can't. That's life sometimes. 

Just stay strong. Living with the person you are trying/hoping to move away from is difficult. And know that there are people here that are ready to listen, offer support, etc. Bottom line, you are not alone.

You can message me if you ever need to talk.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thank you Knottedstomach it is nice to have the support and in this situation I don't have a choice. I am hoping that it is not for too long and I have a lot of things coming up that I can stay from the house on my days off.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Yes. I would make that a plan Thjor. Try to stay away from the house when he is there and try not to engage in arguments with him. It's hard, but we must try not to get sucked in by them.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So far so good . We gave minimum contact right now. He is working late at our land with construction(blessing) I'm in bed by the time he gets home. Had one night where we watched tv together no problems. Caught him crying out of the corner of my eye. But I did not say anything. I make dinner for both us and put his in the fridge. He says thank you. Day off today by myself. Enjoying a day with my fur babies and just puttering around the house. Starting to get my head back on track.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I know your deal but being in the same house will slow down your recovery.............Can he live with a friend?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I asked him that and he said he has no one. I think he has started to push away his friends because I think they are starting to see through his story. I know I am doing fine. Very calm right now and I have my me time with the dogs. He is not here very much right now and probably won't be for the next month as they are doing the developing on the land. So basically he is working 7 days a week and just coming here to sleep and eat. Hopefully by the end of the construction he will have his place out there and will be moving in. Then I will be free!!!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Consider getting a VAR and keeping it close to you...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

What Is a Var?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Thjor said:


> What Is a Var?


Voice activated recorder
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Hey Thor, I feel for you. I'm living in the same house as my wife and 2 kids. We have gone from being together to putting the house on the market in TWO months.

You are very nice to be cooking him dinner, my wife doesnt do that and now she wants to have a 90 day settlement when the house is Auctioned on the 12th April!

Good luck. My thoughts are with you. I think you're a good woman and he is effing it up big time.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thanks Kevinb. I totally agree with you. But working on me right now and concentrating on my job and my fur babies.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So everything has been fine so far at the house. He has not been home that much because he has been working at the land getting it ready for opening July. Although with the warmer temperatures next week he may be home a lot more.

I have a question, H has friends from before we met and I have met some of them over the years I know he has said some bad stuff about me to them and leaving out what really happened of course but why does it hurt me to know that these people are saying bad things about me when they don't really know me?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Talk with your IC about it. But in my view, you should not be too concerned about what these other people think. They will not be part of your life going forward, and what they think doesn't matter to your happiness going forward. You will lose friends over this as they chose to be in contact with your husband and not you, but you will gain some too.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Thanks Arendt. Won't be able to go to IC for a while due to financial issues.

One other thing he left his facebook password saved on our MAC computer and I went in and looked. I don't know why, I was curious to see what was going on in his life and found he was messaging this girl and it just started recently. They have not met yet but it was getting pretty flirty. I am extremely hurt and crying right now. 

I deleted the password and trying to be strong right now. I have a meeting with the lawyer tomorrow to get our separation agreement set up.

Why does this have to hurt so much and he does not seem to care at all!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Stop! Do not get into his Facebook account again. In some states, like Michigan, it is actually a crime to do that sort of thing: Snooping Through Wife's E-Mail Gets Michigan Man Charged With Felony Computer Misuse - ABC News

Not only this, but it hurts nobody but you. Stop immediately.Throw away and shred any paper copies of that password and permanently delete cookies and files from your computer that have them there.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Don't worry not planning on doing that again. Learned more than I cared to. Already deleted cookies, etc and since I did not know the password in the first place all temptation has been removed.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So today is my 44th birthday and the day is going well so far. Lots of birthday wishes going out with friends and family for dinner tonight. H is staying home by himself(was not invited) although he did text me happy birthday first thing this morning. 

Saw the lawyer this week and was a bit frustrated with he needs more information before we can proceed with the separation agreement. I know he is looking out for me but I just want this done and over with. My mother says I have been like that since I was a child. So I calmed down and faxed the lawyer the info he needed and I have an appointment with him on the 15th over the phone. 

I know this is going to take sometime to go through but I honestly just want to move on. Things have been good set home. We can talk without fighting. It looks like he maybe moving into his place in May. Looking forward to that.

His Aunt called last night and wanted to know if we are coming over on Good Friday for a family dinner. Obviously he has not told the rest of his family. I told her that I would talk to him and let her know. I figure it us up to him to call her back and let her know.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It's hard to be patient and go through the necessary steps once you've come around to acceptance, I'm sure! Hang in there...you will have your fresh start soon.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!! I hope you have a lovely evening out.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Well things are still going good in the house together. Although I am finding myself looking to get out of the house away from h. Don't get me wrong he has been nice, talking to me about plans for the business, he cooked dinner last night, offering to help me with things. I just don't want yo trust it . I'm finding it confusing. It gives me mixed signals. We font talk about us tight now, it is all talk about what is going on in his life with the business and what he wants to do with it. He still calls me honey(which I think is out of habit). Looks like he will be moving out in May. Looking forward to it. Need some space.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So 4 weeks with him in the house still. Things are ok. I still find myself going for walks a lot more when both of us are home. Not that he is doing anything wrong I just need the time too myself. Got the house to myself right now on my day off and I am enjoying it. Cleaning , did my work out. Got some more paperwork for my lawyer. I think I am going to be ok. Don't think I will ever date again but I will be ok on my own.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So today I am feeling down and lonely right now. Even though we are getting along together in the house I feel alone. He goes out with friends or whatever. So do I not too much lately because we are short financially and unlike him I don't sponge off my friends for drinks and such. I just want this to be over. Too impatient.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

((((((thjor))))))

So so sorry. Right there with you.

In a class I took they talked about dissolving a marriage, especially if you are the one in pain, is like pulling two boards apart that have been glued together.

There is excrutiating pain and damage.

I wish I could help. Take care of you - eat, sleep, find fun things to do, spend time with your friends. Go out and people watch, hang at a library. Do something you want to do or always wanted to try!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

It is 2:30 am here right now. I just got up for a drink of water and realized h is not home yet. In my opinion that is disrespectful and throwing it in my face that he out with some other w while still living with me. Am I right in thinking this is rude?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

No your not wrong to feel upset. It is part of the detachment that happens. Try not to focus on it and don't react when he does come home. He is probably hoping to get a reaction from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So it is 7 am and he has not come home and he has not texted. What do I do now???


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So he ended up showing up around 8 am and went straight to bed. He got up around 2pm and i was nice as pie. Did not say a word about it. He did not explain either. I think he was waiting to see what i would do. Normally i would ask questions not that he has done this before. I just keep counting down the days till i am free and can breathe again.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Thjor said:


> So he ended up showing up around 8 am and went straight to bed. He got up around 2pm and i was nice as pie. Did not say a word about it. He did not explain either. I think he was waiting to see what i would do. Normally i would ask questions not that he has done this before. I just keep counting down the days till i am free and can breathe again.


We both know we have to make it about us - not them.

Easier said than done.

They count on that investment from us in them. Take it away. Put your effort in yourself, friends. 

Hell, I'd have said, "Didn't mean to come home at 7 AM, hope you didn't worry. I was having fun and time got away from me. Did you have a good night? Everything quiet here at home?"

Then walked away and :rofl:


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So all this week h has been out late every night. I had not seen him since Tuesday. He was home today because everything is closed for the holiday. All of sudden around 7pm he is going out got the night. I know I should not let it bother me, but it still does. It hurts that he is out dating other w and I can't even imagine trying to date other men when we haven't got this sorted out between us. I can tell he is avoiding dealing with thus. He still has not given me his lawyers name so i can give this to my lawyer. He completely avoided going to Easter dinner with his family because he find not want to explain to them what is going on as he doesn't know(that's what he told his mom). I just wished I didn't still care then this would not hurt so much.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I can't remember if you two went to counseling. Will he see a counselor with you?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

We went to 2 sessions and then he decided to leave and would not go back.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Hey Thjor. How is everything going? Hopefully well.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

It is going not so bad. H is still living in the house with me. Looks like he will be out by June. Having some financial issues right now because he is not working and waiting for our business to get up and running. Keeping track of all of the things I am paying for so that we don't lose our house. I refuse to give him any personal money. Just paying the bills right now. Very stressed about money. But had some good news today, got my income tax refund even though he decided not to file this year. Could not be bothered to he said. So I got $3,000 back and not telling him about it at all. He he!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Thjor said:


> So I got $3,000 back and not telling him about it at all. He he!!!


That's right Thjor!! You stash that $$ away for a rainy day when YOU need it.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> That's right Thjor!! You stash that $$ away for a rainy day when YOU need it.


Agree with this. Hopefully the moving resolves itself soon Thjor and you can both move on peacefully with your lives.

Stay strong.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Thjor pulling for you!!!


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So I get the house to myself today as he is meeting with clients all day in the city! Woo hoo!!! Finally sometime to myself. Going to clean up the yard today rake the leaves pick up after the dogs. Go get some patio stones to edge my garden and rototill the garden. Supposed to be 20 c today and sunny. What a great day!!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Have wonderful day, Thjor!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

that business together thing...how do you see that playing out down the road? 

Do you have divorce papers filed yet?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I am signing the business over to him as part of our separation agreement. I will get a cash layout, the house, car and both of the dogs(my fur babies). No papers yet he is filing. We cannot get divorce until we gave been separated for a year according to the court systems here.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So I have not been on here for awhile. Things are ok now. Got through our financial crunch where I supported us for the last 2 months. Now that he has money again he has been out ever night for the past 4 nights. Last night around 1030pm he texts me that he is depending the night in the city. Yeah know what he was doing! Why does it still bother me and why am I still jealous? I font say anything to him about it and I am just playing along until he moves out in June. But deep down I still hurt!!! I want it to stop and I want him to leave so I don't have to witness him get all dressed up to go out with friends he says. He knows I am trying to save money and get some stuff on the house repaired this summer after he leaves, so I don't really go out much. Not ready for dating at all tried a online dating site for 1 day and got lots of hits from good looking guys and even starting to talk to one but realized I am not ready and it was not fair to anyone else. But how come he is so ready to move on?? It does not seem fair. I thought I had my **** together but I was wrong. I really hate him right now.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

So I thought I would just update. It has been awhile since I have been here. About 1 month ago my H came to me and asked If I was interested in saving our marriage! Wow that one shocked me. I did not answer him for a few minutes, then I said yes but some things have to change. So we sat down and talked about each other issues. We are going to MC together and so far so good. taking it slow and day by day. He seem to be in a better place. He tells me how impressed he was how I handled things(180 works!!!) and that I out smarted him(really???). Anyways I will keep your up dated.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thjor said:


> So I thought I would just update. It has been awhile since I have been here. About 1 month ago my H came to me and asked If I was interested in saving our marriage! Wow that one shocked me. I did not answer him for a few minutes, then I said yes but some things have to change. So we sat down and talked about each other issues. We are going to MC together and so far so good. taking it slow and day by day. He seem to be in a better place. He tells me how impressed he was how I handled things(180 works!!!) and that I out smarted him(really???). Anyways I will keep your up dated.


So good to hear from you, and with such news! Good for you! Regardless of where things go, I'm so happy that you have the opportunity to try. Please continue to check in every so often!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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