# Husband being abusive



## Workinitout (Jul 31, 2013)

Hello, I have been reading here for a long time and figured it was time to post as I need some help. I have been married for 2 years. We have 3 kids. 2 are mine and 1 his, from previous marriages. Things are great except when my husband gets angry. He will not do it in front of the kids, but for example, yesterday we had an argument and when we have a disagreement I tend to clam up and this makes him upset. We always take it to another room, but he gets loud cause I wont talk to him. I don't know why I get that way, I just do. I know I should talk, but I just get mad and shut down. Well yesterday when I did he kept saying "look at me" and when I didn't get grabbed me and threw me on the bed and choked me, he did that twice. Until I talked it out. I had to suck on ice afterwards. He asked why I was eating ice and I told him he hurt me and he said he didn't grab me that hard. During the fight he said he think I "like" it when he gets that way. He has shoved me before but never anything like this. I made him promise me he would never lay another hand on me and he said "its not like I break your bones, the worst I do is leave bruises, your tough". Then he promised to never do it again as long as I talk to him, that its my fault. Is he really doing this because he thinks I "like" it? That is insane! I have only stayed this long because I have hope for him. People can change right?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Abusers can't change unless they want to.

It started with a shove. Now he's choking you. What's next? Well, you probably know...

Is this the life you want your children to grow up in? Even if it doesn't happen in front of them right now, it will soon...and possibly turn on them.

I have no advice because it is your choice, but I do suggest knowing your self worth and realizing that this is NOT LOVE. This is not YOUR FAULT. The man is an abuser. It won't get better.

Reach out for support with family or friends.


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## Workinitout (Jul 31, 2013)

I don't have friends anymore. That's what the argument was about. Going out with my friends. My family is far away. So I do feel a bit lost. I go to school full-time and he works.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would be out of there if my husband did that to me. Putting hands on one another is grounds for divorce, no if ands or buts about it.

No friends? Really? Why not? Why have you isolated yourself?


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## Workinitout (Jul 31, 2013)

He said he would divorce me if I went out with my friends. So I don't.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

There is no excuse for that. Leave. It will only get worse and you know it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Workinitout said:


> He said he would divorce me if I went out with my friends. So I don't.


Seriously? Why do you tolerate that kind of nonsense? To keep you with him he threatens you? You do like it if you do what you're told. You taught him that he can talk to you and treat you like a dog.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. 

You are an abused wife. Emotionally and physically.

Seek help in your city. Please. It won't get better most likely.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

This is an incredibly heartbreaking post. I can tell from your words that you know right from wrong and you know that his behavior is wrong. 

Yes, I believe people can change but they won't start to try until they acknowledge they have a problem. Your husband is not acknowledging he has a problem with physical abuse. He is minimizing it and blameshifting. What is going to happen when your children "clam up" or do something he doesn't like? Well, you know, I don't think you should stick it out long enough to find out. 

I am not saying you should automatically throw in the towel especially if you feel in your heart he can change if he tries but you do need to get out of that house and toxic situation RIGHT NOW. Or you get him to leave. Get yourself into some individual counseling. Even though he is the one who truly needs the help, you need to talk to someone about this. And it will also help you understand why you shut down when someone argues with you. It could be that you don't think you are worthy enought to stick up for yourself or that it is a coping mechanism that started in childhood. I'm not saying that you shutting down is to blame for this situation. Not at all. Just saying that this isn't the last jerk you are going to run into and effective communication is great for every aspect of your life. 

And don't think for a minute that your kids don't know what's going on. They don't need to see it to know it is happening. But you know that. I will never, ever forget the day my father dragged my mom by her hand from the kitchen table. I was 5. She told me later that it wouldn't have hurt as much as it did had she got onto her feet and eased the tension. Oh, and it wasn't a big deal because hair grows back. Her hair did grow back but my emotional scar is with me forever. I'm 40 years old now. 

And this man is controlling you by isolating you from family and friends. Words are not working to "control you" so he is escalating. It'll only get worse. I promise. And it won't stop if you comply. He'll just find something else to beat you into submission on. 

You can't change him but you can change yourself and your surroundings. Please, please, please protect yourself and your children from this man immediately!! 

I know you are not working but going to school full time. But honestly, this man is not going to let you find a job. He'll be afraid you'll become too independent and leave him. But perhaps you pack up the kids, move to where family is and start school there for this semester? 

You need a plan. Like yesterday!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This kind of stuff really pisses me off. Because I was abused (sexually) when I was a kid, I'm hypersensitive to any kind of abuse or controlling behavior directed at me. No fricking way would any guy get away with treating me this way. 

OP you have to value yourself first and foremost. If you don't value yourself, your husband has the impression that he can treat you with disrespect and loathing, and he will take it out on you every chance he gets. If you continue to allow him to bully you, this will get worse. He may not stop choking you next time. You're children will be left with a dead mother and a step dad in jail for doing it. If you can't get yourself together for YOU then please do it for your kids. They deserve the best you can do for them, and a man that chokes you out in an argument and keeps you from friends and family is NOT the best you can do.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Workinitout said:


> Then he promised to never do it again as long as I talk to him, that its my fault. Is he really doing this because he thinks I "like" it? That is insane! I have only stayed this long because I have hope for him. People can change right?


You'd be foolish to have hope for a guy like him. He does it because HE likes it, not because you do. And the broken bones will come eventually too. 

By staying with him, you are showing him that YOU do not respect yourself. If you don't, then why should he? You're the person who should "know" if you deserve better or not, and since you're settling for this, then this is what he will deliver.

Worse, your children aren't nearly as blind to this as you think they are. You are teaching them what relationships will bring to their lives. Shouldn't you set a better example of what you want them to expect?


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## Workinitout (Jul 31, 2013)

He promised on our marriage he would not do it again. I want to believe that. He has fought tooth and nail for our marriage through some very hard times. I am not stupid, I KNOW I should be gone yesterday, I just want to believe so badly he will change this time. I really think he did it cause he thinks I like it. Why? I have no idea. He said I like to see him angry, or I would talk.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Workinitout said:


> He promised on our marriage he would not do it again. I want to believe that. He has fought tooth and nail for our marriage through some very hard times. I am not stupid, I KNOW I should be gone yesterday, I just want to believe so badly he will change this time. I really think he did it cause he thinks I like it. Why? I have no idea. He said I like to see him angry, or I would talk.


Why would anyone LIKE getting choked out? Why are you rationalizing his behavior? It's wrong. You know it is.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Workinitout said:


> He said I like to see him angry, or I would talk.


This translates to --- "You made me do it". 

What I'm trying to understand is how he can promise on your marriage he will never do it again but then say what he did wasn't that bad when he saw you sucking on ice because your throat hurt. And if he really believes that you like to see him angry then why promise to stop something you like? That's the part that is not adding up. You know what I mean? It just seems to me that he will say anything to just shut the issue down and move past it. 

Is he willing to enroll in an anger management class? And would he be open to go to marriage counseling? It is very important that he understands why he escalates to the point of putting his hands on you and why he feels the need to isolate you from friends. It's just not healthy. He is making you too dependent on him if he hasn't already. He brings home the money and he is your only friend. 

Have you two considered having children together? I hope that plan is on the back burner.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

justonelife said:


> There is no excuse for that. Leave. It will only get worse and you know it.


I repeat this again.

Nobody thinks their wife likes to be choked, period. And if my husband EVER caused me any pain (which would be unintentional), he would APOLOGIZE immediately. This crap about "at least I didn't break your bones" is ridiculous.

The only time I would advise potentially staying in this situation is if it happened once for a second and he was immediately so horrified by his actions that he stopped and begged forgiveness and offered to go to anger management classes. This guy doesn't even feel bad about it.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Read carefully. I am writing from experience here. My first husband was abusive, physically and emotionally abusive. One of the first thing an abuser does is to BLAME you for their abuse. They also play down anything they do to you. It doesn't matter how you react when you are angry, that still gives him no right to touch you. In fact, nothing does. 

This situation will get WORSE. It will not get better and he will not change. He will continue to blame it on you until it starts getting out of control and you really get hurt. Please, Please, Please do not keep hoping for change. The only way he can change is if he starts admitting that it is his problem and he gets help for it. I dont see that happening any time soon.

You need to get out of the marriage now. Not only will this take a possibly physical toll on you, it will damage you emotionally. Your arguments will more than likely get more heated, he will hurt you, and like any human being you will react. It will cause you to feel guilty about something that isnt even your fault.

Control this situation and get out. Please. I know it hurts since I have been there, but trust me, its for the best.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sorry OP....classic abuser.

You can read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft for insight into his behavior but meanwhile you need to get some family support & create an exit plan to protect yourself & your children.

Good luck.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He has no reason to change. And next time he will do something worse, maybe even kill you. All it takes is one crunch, choking too long and you are DEAD. 
Imagine your children having to live knowing that you stayed with an abusive man and he killed you. 

Get help now. There is no such thing as an abuser who gets better by making promises. Unicorns and fairies don't exist and neither do abusers who magically get better by hoping.

You need serious help ASAP. Even if he doesn't kill you, what if you end up disabled! I work with a woman whose daughter's ex threw her into a wall (after promising he would stop being abusive many times). 
He hurt her back so badly she couldn't work for seven months. She had to live with her mom, and now she can't find another job and she's in constant pain. 

Call a domestic abuse agency near you and get help today!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Workinitout said:


> He said he would divorce me if I went out with my friends. So I don't.


What were you going to do with your friends that he objected to?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Workinitout said:


> He promised on our marriage he would not do it again. I want to believe that. He has fought tooth and nail for our marriage through some very hard times. I am not stupid, I KNOW I should be gone yesterday, I just want to believe so badly he will change this time. I really think he did it cause he thinks I like it. Why? I have no idea. He said I like to see him angry, or I would talk.


Do, he did not do it because he thinks you like it. 

He told you that this is why he did it because he knows how to confuse you. Saying that is his way to downplay what he is doing to you.

He did it because he is trying to control you and uses abuse to do this.

I can understand him being frustrated that you clam up and will not discuss your thoughts/feelings on things. But his way of handling it... abusing you... is WRONG. 

You say that you do not know why you clam up. Is it because you fear that he will not accept what you have to say?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thing is, he's not out of control. He chooses this. He doesn't do this to other people does he? 
He does it to you because he knows he can get away with it. If he were out of control he would do it around other people and to other people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Thing is, he's not out of control. He chooses this. He doesn't do this to other people does he?
> He does it to you because he knows he can get away with it. If he were out of control he would do it around other people and to other people.


You are right. He is not out of control. 

Abusers, while appearing to be out of control, are generally in complete control of what they are doing. They clearly target what they know will give them the control over their victim.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

workinitout said:


> hello, i have been reading here for a long time and figured it was time to post as i need some help. I have been married for 2 years. We have 3 kids. 2 are mine and 1 his, from previous marriages. Things are great except when my husband gets angry. He will not do it in front of the kids, but for example, yesterday we had an argument and when we have a disagreement i tend to clam up and this makes him upset. We always take it to another room, but he gets loud cause i wont talk to him. I don't know why i get that way, i just do. I know i should talk, but i just get mad and shut down. Well yesterday when i did he kept saying "look at me" and when i didn't get grabbed me and threw me on the bed and choked me, he did that twice. Until i talked it out. I had to suck on ice afterwards. He asked why i was eating ice and i told him he hurt me and he said he didn't grab me that hard. During the fight he said he think i "like" it when he gets that way. He has shoved me before but never anything like this. I made him promise me he would never lay another hand on me and he said "its not like i break your bones, the worst i do is leave bruises, your tough". Then he promised to never do it again as long as i talk to him, that its my fault. Is he really doing this because he thinks i "like" it? That is insane! I have only stayed this long because i have hope for him.* people can change right?*


nope.


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