# Women with online addictions



## Robrobb

I'm curious about others' experiences with women having strong online addictions. My wife and I are in a crisis in our marriage, in which she feels that she's lost interest in me, is unhappy with us, and has called for a break. She tells me that she thinks our relationship is over, but doesn't yet want to talk divorce or even a full separation (children issues and money complicate this).

A big factor in the timing of this is her computer use. She's always been a heavy internet user, from when we first met. Last few years her online time has crept upward steadily. She's a web designer, though, so she cannot really remove herself from the internet as a practical matter. Now she's playing WoW to the tune of 60 hours per week (or maybe more; not sure) and has developed an online relationship with another player (after the break began). 

The stereotypical gaming addict is a male and the wife is the one looking to make a change. In this case I'm a bit stuck. I went along with the break but feel pretty hurt by the online affair, even though I see ways in which it's very limited in scope and may allow her some freedom to return to frank discussions about our issues in time. For now we're making time for short times apart. We're in marriage therapy and still talking about this, so I don't feel that I'm exactly rolling over. I don't want to break up for good in the slightest, but don't feel that I have many options if she decides that she wants to build a new life without me in it.

Anyway, if others have some experience along these lines, I'd love to hear about it.


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## Blanca

i used to be addicted to the internet. if your wife is interested there is a program i use called k9 web protection that allows you to block certain sites, or give access to the internet at certain hours. Im sure there are also other programs with more control on how much time is spent on any site. 

but you cant take something away without replacing it with what she needs. she might feel more comfortable trying to explore other outlets before restricting her access completely. you can try weaning off of the sites little by little while exploring other outlets.


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## El Guapo

My wife is addicted to FaceBook and the games on FB. She checks to see if anyone has posted something abou tevery 30 minutes. She is also a "friend *****" and wants to be friends with everyone. A few times she has added a friend that don't apporve and I make he rtake him off, which makes her puff up. I completely deleted my FB page to show her how serious I was about it. She can't live without it. 

She is also a texting addict. Our marraige counselor said that a lot of people with ADHD are easily addicted to the internet, games, texting, etc because it triggers the brain to produce dopamine an dit gives them a high.


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## Robrobb

These are good observations. My wife has in the past read extensively on adult ADD with the concern that she has an undiagnosed case. She's also had leanings toward hypochondria, so I must confess that I didn't give her concerns the attention they probably deserved.

I take the point about weaning and not pushing out online time without providing something to replace it. Currently the net and the online boyfriend are taking time away from family and housework. I don't think that telling her to play less just for housework is the right kind of encouragement. We're six weeks into an in-house separation and two weeks into marriage counseling. At this point I'm working with reminding her of the impact of the game on family life. To her credit, she's dropped some of the daytime play and has been taking more walks and wanting to leave the house with the kids on weekdays. Problem is that her online time has encouraged the kids and they now often won't leave the house in favor of computer time. I will add verbal reminders that we can add non-game activities together.

Also, to address the Facebook comment, she and I do have Facebook pages and keep in touch with old friends that way. She has a much wider group of freinds on FB than I, but not that it bothers me. The issue is that a couple of weeks ago, right after I found out about the online affair, she blocked FB from showing me her posts and wall. (I'm aware that her WoW friends - including the BF - are on there) This part bothers me as a lack of trust and a source of suspicion rather than any direct jealousy.


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## cami

One of the major complaints my husband has/had with me is that I spend more time online with my games than I do with him. I do not pay attention to him because of this and he feels like I neglect and do not SHOW him love because of this.

Well, I didn't take him seriously with that. BUT I do now. He left for another reason (the straw that broke the camel;s back so to speak) but when I got him to name all the problems that he had and that I needed to work on for him, this was one of the major ones.

Well, that first day, I went in to facebook myself and wrote a simple note....To all my friends: I am shutting down all of my games. Thank you.... I did not tell them the reason, though I did end up telling one friend when she pmd me. 

I have since not been back to the games. I will not go back to them. It was my choice, I chose to do this. Why? I want my marriage and if this is bothering him, even in the slightest, then I will not do it! Period. That was my first major change in myself.

I do still stop in over at facebook from time to time just to read up on everyone's latest happenings, but no where near what I did before. It was bad (for me) about 6 - 8 hours per day....yep, I was addicted. Now I feel better about myself.

But, the thing is, you cannot change a person unless they WANT to make that change. You can beat your head against a brick wall all you want, but it will not help until she ADMITS she has a problem, so recognizes and takes ownership, then DECIDES that SHE WANTS to change this.

I really wish you luck! I hope that your wife recognizes, owns the problem and takes action for your marriage.


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## beardedinlair

My wife does the WOW thing. Very similiar situation. She has agreed to cut down on the gameplay, and not play when I am home. 
We'll see how it plays out, if she will resent me for keeping her from what she wants to do, but yeah, it can take over a marriage, and the fantasy of another man...and it is a fantasy. Whoever that man is, he is a creep, trying to step in and take advantage.
Nothing less than a homewrecker, and should be faced as such.
If you are still married to her, then another person should not be involved, in any way, until a resolution is reached.


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## Robrobb

These are good comments too. I should add here that I don't consider the gaming to be the cause of our marriage troubles, but just a big symptom and the one that wound up unravelling things. When she asked to be not-a-couple, she cited years of thinking there was no love between us, or none from me, wheras I'd often thought that there was little love coming from her. 

I've just finished reading one of those deliberate-love advice books (Five love languages) and found plenty in its breakdown of how people choose to love one another that could apply here. It would suggest that she receives loving feelings most from spending time together on common activities. We'd drifted away from spending much quality time together in the last year as our own feelings soured; the more time away from one another the worse you feel if that's what you want most from your spouse. She asked me a couple of times about 6 months ago to play with her. I felt that the game was a bad influence and getting worse so I quickly declined. I see this now as a missed opportunity. Online boyfriend is another gamer in the same guild, so they have that area well covered. He's been told that she's having trouble in her marriage and no longer involved with her husband - technically true since she started this relationship after having asked for the break with me (or so I'm told; again, no reason to think otherwise just yet) so they both assume that the relationship is a bit of fun between two people that will probably never meet in person. 

Currently she's been told of how much this relationship generates hurt with me, but has not chosen to end it. I had agreed to give her time to decide whether to work on saving our marriage or to let it end, and I'm slowing coming to grips with the realization that this will be a very long process. For now I can't force the relationship to end. It presence hurts but is bearable. We continue to go to counseling, we continue to work on some common things to do together, and I don't fail to remind her how I feel. If she chooses, as I hope she will, to work on staying together, then I can make demands about her online relationship. As time goes on, I find that I'm willing to accept a lower and lower level of online involvement if we begin to work at staying married. At first I assumed that asking her to suspend her time with him while we worked at it would be fine. Today I feel that limiting her time on the game to when he's not on will be needed too. If she waits months more, I'm sure I'll need a strict enforcement of time with absolutely no game and no other contact. I suspect she knows that such conditions would be imposed and that these are at least some of the reasons she's not yet ready to make a decision. 

Meantime I'm doing as we agreed, trying to find myself again in this mess and spending time with myself.

Thanks again for the insights, all. Keep em coming if you've got more. It's a great help to hear from others.


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## beardedinlair

another 2 points i have to make.
first, don't curtail her game time. you aren't her dad, and it won't help her relationship with you.
second, and i'm not sure this applies to you and her, but there is a 'metagame' that people play. "my husband is so bad and terrrible to me."
"that's so sad, I would never treat you like that."
my point is, it is not just a small thing. it is a relationship, and if you are still married, it is adultery. i know that sounds like an overreaction, but think about it.


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## 2Daughters

It's all about technology, in the past, people had to work through their relationship problems before quitting, now they can type a few words get a few text back and subconciously they are done, then it becomes addictive to everyone..some see the effect in the relationship before it's too late, but most keep going to see how far until they go too far, technology to me is the biggest outside threat to marriage..how many on LS (just an example) subconciously go to their computer to see who answered, emailed or is asking for them?..when they're bored?, can't sleep, or just curious?..probably more than would answer 'I DO'..simple text froma 'friend' to someone having minor issues in a relationship, always expand that problem every single time they discuss it.


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## Robrobb

beardedinlair:

I can understand where you're coming from, and I don't expect to make a bunch of big demands without at least discussing with our therapist first, but I don't see how this can move forward - if and when she decides to make it a priority - without imposing limits on the game. Her gameplay has clear effects on the children's use of time, on her ability to be awake during the day for them, and so on. I've told her that she can't really be online until after 4AM, especially on weekdays or when the kids and I are at home - then she's asleep half the next day and not available to them. I often find her online when I come home at 6pm, kids spaced out on another computer in imitation of mom, and no action or plan for an evening meal. I don't see how I can keep silent on this behavior - aside from the impact on our relationship, this is destroying her relationship with the children. 





beardedinlair said:


> another 2 points i have to make.
> first, don't curtail her game time. you aren't her dad, and it won't help her relationship with you.
> second, and i'm not sure this applies to you and her, but there is a 'metagame' that people play. "my husband is so bad and terrrible to me."
> "that's so sad, I would never treat you like that."
> my point is, it is not just a small thing. it is a relationship, and if you are still married, it is adultery. i know that sounds like an overreaction, but think about it.


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## harmonia

If she truly is addicted then she has to decide to stop. You can't force an addict not to be addicted. All you can do is give her consequences. If you do this, this will happen. If you do that, that will happen, etc... You have every right to demand she not be involved with another man until someone has filed for divorce, or ideally until it has been finalized. The addiction may very well be out of her control. In which case you can only decide what you will and won't tolerate and hope she recognizes the problem and gets some help.


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## Robrobb

Yeah, I think a critical number of people have advised disengagement so that's what I'm gonna do for a while....focus on myself, stop taking care of her......let her feel the consequences for herself......wait and see if she makes the choice (that I think) she needs to make. 

Thanks, all, for your helpful words.


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