# Finally meeting w/Attorney



## JL39775

I’ve been married 19 stressful years. I posted here a few years ago explaining this issue I was having at the time and nothing has improved since then. I’ve held back from pursuing a divorce because I felt guilty. I’m the sole provider in the house and I felt bad leaving and causing financial issues with my wife and hurting my kids. However, I found the courage to make an appointment with a divorce attorney tomorrow. Are there some questions I should ask the story during my first consultation? This is new to me. I’m sure I’m like everyone else. I want a quick, fair and cheap divorce. I have a son that is 18 and is getting ready to start college and I have a 15 year old daughter that starts the 10th grade soon.

Here’s the link to my first post about my situation. So many things happened since.
https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?sh...iage.com/showthread.php?t=393329&share_type=t [/URL






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## Lostinthought61

have you began talking to your wife about filing for divorce?


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## notmyjamie

I just read your old post and your wife sounds like she might have borderline personality disorder. That's very difficult to live with and I commend you for making it this far, but it is time to take your life back. 

Things to ask the lawyer about alimony, child support, using lawyers vs mediation are few just off the top of my head. Is your state a 50/50 state? 

I wish you good luck...it's long past time for you to do this.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow, you should have left her crazy ass YEARS ago, I am so glad you are finally going to take this step. Steel your resolve. 

Ask the attorney about the marital home and any other property, retirement plans, alimony, child support, and since your wife is off her rocker, ask about restraining orders, just in case. Child custody shouldnt be an issue due to their age. The court will I'm sure go along with whatever your younger one says she wants to do. (which I imagine would be to stay away from mom as much as possible) I would suggest you keep your plans to yourself for as long as you can, and as I mentioned, steel yourself, because she is likely to go over the edge for a while. Best of luck to you and keep posting here so we can offer support.


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## JL39775

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, you should have left her crazy ass YEARS ago, I am so glad you are finally going to take this step. Steel your resolve.
> 
> 
> 
> Ask the attorney about the marital home and any other property, retirement plans, alimony, child support, and since your wife is off her rocker, ask about restraining orders, just in case. Child custody shouldnt be an issue due to their age. The court will I'm sure go along with whatever your younger one says she wants to do. (which I imagine would be to stay away from mom as much as possible) I would suggest you keep your plans to yourself for as long as you can, and as I mentioned, steel yourself, because she is likely to go over the edge for a while. Best of luck to you and keep posting here so we can offer support.




Thanks for the response. So far all advice is appreciated and will help me ask the right questions.


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## JL39775

notmyjamie said:


> I just read your old post and your wife sounds like she might have borderline personality disorder. That's very difficult to live with and I commend you for making it this far, but it is time to take your life back.
> 
> 
> 
> Things to ask the lawyer about alimony, child support, using lawyers vs mediation are few just off the top of my head. Is your state a 50/50 state?
> 
> 
> 
> I wish you good luck...it's long past time for you to do this.




I’m in Texas and from what I understand, it’s a 50/50 state. I’m assuming I will have to provide spousal support until she get on her own feet. I hope that it is no longer than 6 months. There’s no reason why she can’t work. She hasn’t worked since 2004.


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## JL39775

Lostinthought61 said:


> have you began talking to your wife about filing for divorce?




I’ve mention divorce many times in the past. But, I’m not sharing my appointment with an attorney tomorrow. 


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## 3Xnocharm

JL39775 said:


> I’ve mention divorce many times in the past. But, I’m not sharing my appointment with an attorney tomorrow.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good. Keep it to yourself until you are pretty far along in your planning.


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## JL39775

I had my appointment with the attorney today. She provide a lot of helpful information and has a good plan of action to start the process. I left a little discouraged because her rate is $450 in the Houston area. I was shocked. I can afford it but that sounds like a very high rate for the area. I live between Galveston and Downtown Houston. 

Also, I appreciate some advice on how I can be discrete about paying the attorney 


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## WorkingWife

JL39775 said:


> I had my appointment with the attorney today. She provide a lot of helpful information and has a good plan of action to start the process. I left a little discouraged because her rate is $450 in the Houston area. I was shocked. I can afford it but that sounds like a very high rate for the area. I live between Galveston and Downtown Houston.
> 
> Also, I appreciate some advice on how I can be discrete about paying the attorney


I used to live in San Diego which I would expect to have a higher cost of living than Houston. There are definitely attorneys who charge $450 an hour, but I think they're at the top of the scale. I think if you shop around a bit you can find someone for half that cost.

Of course when dealing with "hourly" rates, sometimes a $450 an hour person can do in one hour what it takes a $250 an hour person 4 hours to do...


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## WorkingWife

JL39775 said:


> I had my appointment with the attorney today. She provide a lot of helpful information and has a good plan of action to start the process. I left a little discouraged because her rate is $450 in the Houston area. I was shocked. I can afford it but that sounds like a very high rate for the area. I live between Galveston and Downtown Houston.
> 
> Also, I appreciate some advice on how I can be discrete about paying the attorney


I used to live in San Diego which I would expect to have a higher cost of living than Houston. There are definitely attorneys who charge $450 an hour, but I think they're at the top of the scale. I think if you shop around a bit you can find someone for half that cost.

Of course when dealing with "hourly" rates, sometimes a $450 an hour person can do in one hour what it takes a $250 an hour person 4 hours to do...


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## JL39775

WorkingWife said:


> I used to live in San Diego which I would expect to have a higher cost of living than Houston. There are definitely attorneys who charge $450 an hour, but I think they're at the top of the scale. I think if you shop around a bit you can find someone for half that cost.
> 
> 
> 
> Of course when dealing with "hourly" rates, sometimes a $450 an hour person can do in one hour what it takes a $250 an hour person 4 hours to do...




Thanks. I’m meeting with another attorney Monday at $250 per hour. I know I risk “you get what you pay for.”


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## 3Xnocharm

Smart move to get your feelers out there and see what works best for you.


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## 20yr

JL39775 said:


> Thanks. I’m meeting with another attorney Monday at $250 per hour. I know I risk “you get what you pay for.”
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That is smart. You should also get a ballpark from both regarding potential total fees. I spoke to 3 attys with a range of fees. The lowest was a solo and did all of the work himself. I went with the one in the middle who uses an associate and paralegal for some of the basic work. I like the team feel and think it will be more cost efficient than having the top person do all of the work.


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## JL39775

20yr said:


> That is smart. You should also get a ballpark from both regarding potential total fees. I spoke to 3 attys with a range of fees. The lowest was a solo and did all of the work himself. I went with the one in the middle who uses an associate and paralegal for some of the basic work. I like the team feel and think it will be more cost efficient than having the top person do all of the work.




I asked the attorney I spoke with about total estimated cost and she said she doesn’t have a magic crystal ball. Every divorce is different. If my wife fight aggressively, it will cost more. If she agrees to the initial terms, then it can be a quick slam dunk divorce. 

I have small debt and a decent amount saved. Realistically, I’m told it will be a 60/40 split since we’ve been married for 19 years. I can live with that. Mostly likely, I will not pay spousal support. Child support will be less than $1,800 per month, but I will support my kids to the best of my abilities beyond what the law states. I’m hoping to give her the house and most household item, a paid off vehicle and half my savings minus the equity in my house, vehicle and household items. My 18 year old son will get to keep his paid off car. I will absorb all remaining debt. Maybe I’m naive, but this sounds fair and generous.


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## JL39775

I had an appointment the second attorney. I’m moving forward with her. I paid the retainer and the plan is to file and serve my wife on Aug. 19th. I’m delaying because my daughter’s birthday is Aug. 16th and we have a big party planned for her the weekend before. I don’t want WW3 to ruin her birthday.

The house is getting toxic. My wife accused me of sexually hurting my kids because she doesn’t understand why they are hurt. Unfortunately, to prove she was wrong, I told my kids what she is accusing me of and they told my wife that it’s not true and they didn’t understand why she would make outrageous claims. I haven’t forgiven her for the accusations and haven’t been intimate with her for 6 weeks. This is driving her crazy and the home environment is bad. 

Now, I’m thinking about getting an apartment after my daughter birthday party. I might go a few weeks without seeing my kids until the temporary restraining order is in place.

What a nightmare!!!


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## 3Xnocharm

I am very glad you have counsel retained. I think getting an apartment may be a very wise choice for you, based on what you have shared about her here. Likely your kids will want to go with you, this would not surprise me at all. Make sure you are documenting all of her crazy right now!


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## MEM2020

You really need to record ALL interactions with your wife going forward. The best thing to do is mention a single snippet from a news story which has broken THAT DAY in the midst of each conversation. 

This will create - couldn’t have happened before X date time stamp for conversations. The reason that matters is that it will prevent her from claiming that any bad behavior is recorded from prior to the divorce and thus not a type of end of marriage warfare. 

Note: Most courts have heard - what are politely called: unfounded child abuse allegations, during divorce cases. They are:
1. In the vast majority of cases made by women
2. Divorce courts have gotten good at these investigations, so they tend to ask questions such as: when did you become suspicious of abuse and what did you do to try and determine if your suspicions were well founded?

Because it turns out that - people who manufacture abuse claims rarely ask the children if they are true. Because they know they are not true. 

I really hope for YOUR sake that you don’t ever use the phrase you’ve chosen for your screen name - going postal - to refer to your divorce thinking. Because that phrase relates to snapping and committing extreme acts of violence. 






JL39775 said:


> I had an appointment the second attorney. I’m moving forward with her. I paid the retainer and the plan is to file and serve my wife on Aug. 19th. I’m delaying because my daughter’s birthday is Aug. 16th and we have a big party planned for her the weekend before. I don’t want WW3 to ruin her birthday.
> 
> The house is getting toxic. My wife accused me of sexually hurting my kids because she doesn’t understand why they are hurt. Unfortunately, to prove she was wrong, I told my kids what she is accusing me of and they told my wife that it’s not true and they didn’t understand why she would make outrageous claims. I haven’t forgiven her for the accusations and haven’t been intimate with her for 6 weeks. This is driving her crazy and the home environment is bad.
> 
> Now, I’m thinking about getting an apartment after my daughter birthday party. I might go a few weeks without seeing my kids until the temporary restraining order is in place.
> 
> What a nightmare!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

JL39775 said:


> My 18 year old son will get to keep his paid off car. I will absorb all remaining debt. Maybe I’m naive, but this sounds fair and generous.


I recommend you put the car in your son's name now, so you don't have to include it in the divorce or have any issues over it.


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## JL39775

CynthiaDe said:


> I recommend you put the car in your son's name now, so you don't have to include it in the divorce or have any issues over it.




I mentioned this to my attorney and I can put the title in our son’s name now or I can include it in her share of the asset split. Once the assets split is in place I can recommend she sign the title over to our son. I’m trying to preserve as much of my retirement savings as possible.


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## Cynthia

JL39775 said:


> I mentioned this to my attorney and I can put the title in our son’s name now or I can include it in her share of the asset split. Once the assets split is in place I can recommend she sign the title over to our son. I’m trying to preserve as much of my retirement savings as possible.


I can understand you want to preserve as much as possible, but it's your son's car and should be in his name. Who knows what she'll do. She could sell it out from under him if she's that crazy.

I think running away and leaving your daughter there to deal with her mom on her own is a bad idea. It can also look bad to the courts. You should run that by your attorney and find out if you can take your daughter with you.


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## JL39775

CynthiaDe said:


> I can understand you want to preserve as much as possible, but it's your son's car and should be in his name. Who knows what she'll do. She could sell it out from under him if she's that crazy.
> 
> 
> 
> I think running away and leaving your daughter there to deal with her mom on her own is a bad idea. It can also look bad to the courts. You should run that by your attorney and find out if you can take your daughter with you.




I understand your point of view. My wife is a good mother and doesn’t treat my kids the way she treats me. I doubt that she will punish our kids because she’s mad with me. I hoping for joint custody and I think our daughter is safe with my wife. I’m sure my wife will not have an issue signing the title to my son if I ask my son to request it when the divorce is final. My wife is a pushover when it comes to the kids and they get their way.


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## JL39775

My wife went through my wallet Tuesday and found my attorney’s business card. My wife has been nice to me since then but confronted me about the card last night. I remained quite for an hours as she asked me what it means. It’s very heated in the house now. I was holding off telling her until after my daughter birthday. I think I will confront her with the truth today. 

I feel I was careless with the business card. I covered all my other tracks. 

This sucks...I’m now ruining my daughter’s birthday.

I might have to find an apartment this weekend.


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## 3Xnocharm

Dont blame yourself, how the hell were you to know she would snoop through your wallet?? Why was she doing that? Good luck with the conversation, stay the course.


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## Tex X

Maybe you've already got this covered, but don't move out until you've run this by your attorney. Moving out before you have standing orders could cost you dearly financially.


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## JL39775

Tex X said:


> Maybe you've already got this covered, but don't move out until you've run this by your attorney. Moving out before you have standing orders could cost you dearly financially.




My attorney said I can move out as long as I maintain the household. If I leave and don’t pay the bills, then I’m toast. My attorney recommends that I move out since my wife might call the cops and say I assaulted her. This was suppose to happen around the time my wife gets served in three weeks. Now things have changed since the cats out the bag. I got home an hour ago and my wife hasn’t said a word. I’m sure she will approach me when she gets back from errands. I’m so nervous that I might come clean even if she doesn’t make the first move.


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## JL39775

3Xnocharm said:


> Dont blame yourself, how the hell were you to know she would snoop through your wallet?? Why was she doing that? Good luck with the conversation, stay the course.




My wife is only productive at snooping. Unfortunately, it’s her hobby. 


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## Tex X

JL39775 said:


> My attorney said I can move out as long as I maintain the household. If I leave and don’t pay the bills, then I’m toast. My attorney recommends that I move out since my wife might call the cops and say I assaulted her. This was suppose to happen around the time my wife gets served in three weeks. Now things have changed since the cats out the bag. I got home an hour ago and my wife hasn’t said a word. I’m sure she will approach me when she gets back from errands. I’m so nervous that I might come clean even if she doesn’t make the first move.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You should buy a VAR and have it on you at all times when dealing with your wife. This will protect you against any false DV accusations.


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## wilson

Just to be clear, is your daughter 14 turning 15, or 15 turning 16?

You should carry a Voice Activated Recorder on you at all times. You can even get an app for your phone which can do it. Texas is a one-party state for recording conversations, which means you can record your conversations with her and she doesn't have to know. But it might be better if you tell her (with the recorder running), "To avoid any misunderstandings, I'm considering recording all our interactions from now on." Then keep recordings of conversations, phone calls, texts, emails, etc. If she knows you're saving all communications, she might be on better behavior.

I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter's birthday. I'm guessing she'll be relieved to find out about the divorce. Lots of times, kids in contentious houses are relieved when the parents divorce. Is there a way she could have her birthday party with her friends without the parents involved? For example, send her and her friends to one of those big arcade places that has food, games, bowling, etc. I think at this point, there's a risk of a lot of anger and snipping if you do something like a party at your house with you and your wife there.


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## JL39775

wilson said:


> Just to be clear, is your daughter 14 turning 15, or 15 turning 16?
> 
> 
> 
> You should carry a Voice Activated Recorder on you at all times. You can even get an app for your phone which can do it. Texas is a one-party state for recording conversations, which means you can record your conversations with her and she doesn't have to know. But it might be better if you tell her (with the recorder running), "To avoid any misunderstandings, I'm considering recording all our interactions from now on." Then keep recordings of conversations, phone calls, texts, emails, etc. If she knows you're saving all communications, she might be on better behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter's birthday. I'm guessing she'll be relieved to find out about the divorce. Lots of times, kids in contentious houses are relieved when the parents divorce. Is there a way she could have her birthday party with her friends without the parents involved? For example, send her and her friends to one of those big arcade places that has food, games, bowling, etc. I think at this point, there's a risk of a lot of anger and snipping if you do something like a party at your house with you and your wife there.




My daughter is 14 going on 15. We rented a beach house so my wife and I have to attend since we are basically babysitting a group of teenagers. 

I have a VAR on my phone and I will record and let her know I’m recording. I like the idea.


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## wilson

JL39775 said:


> My daughter is 14 going on 15. We rented a beach house so my wife and I have to attend since we are basically babysitting a group of teenagers.


That's going to be an interesting situation. It sounds like things are in motion with your wife, so it's hard to predict how that will go. In the interest of your daughter, you might consider staying home and your wife goes with them. If things are bad between you two, that might be the best chance for the party to be fun for your daughter. I think your daughter would understand your motivation for not going.


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## StarFires

JL39775 said:


> I have a VAR on my phone and I will record and let her know I’m recording. I like the idea.


So, this can get very tricky. Texas may be a one-party state, but a VAR is a voice-activated device and has no discretion, which means you are not only recording conversation(s) between you (you being the one party) and your wife or converstions between you and others in the home, but all conversations that trip the VAR to record mode will also be recorded. That means any conversations recorded by you but don't involve you are illegal to record because it voids the one-party consent rule since you are not party to all those other conversations. It then becomes eavesdropping. So talk to your attorney about it first. Or, you can let the whole household know that all conversations within those walls may be recorded. I think you would have to post a sign or something. Again, ask your attorney.


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## 20yr

wilson said:


> That's going to be an interesting situation. It sounds like things are in motion with your wife, so it's hard to predict how that will go. In the interest of your daughter, you might consider staying home and your wife goes with them. If things are bad between you two, that might be the best chance for the party to be fun for your daughter. I think your daughter would understand your motivation for not going.


Can you bring another adult as a witness?


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## JL39775

So Friday evening, my wife asked again about the attorney’s business card. I responded with, “what do you think it means.” She responded by flip flopping all weekend. She said she will try to change. One minute she would apologize then then the next minute she would verbally attack me. In two sentences, she she would make opposite statements. For example, she said she’s sorry and will surrender then tells me how I’m an ******* then gets unstable. When she goes off on me, I remind her that this is the reason I’m don’t want to be married to her and live the rest of my life unhappy.

For 19 years, I could not be myself. She tries to control every aspect of life due to her insecurities and complaints about everything I do. I took the family on a cruise last month and ever moment we were away from the kids she became unstable and I felt like I was her punching bag. I’m not looking for appreciation, however, I plan the cruise so we could all have a good time and she made my trip miserable.All I did is shake my head in disappointment. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I hope once I move out I won’t be so messed up that I will never be my old self. The week of the 19th is when I plan to move out. Already looking at apartments.

Feels good to get that off my chest. Thanks for the advice and listening.


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## 3Xnocharm

I am very glad to read that you are for sure moving forward. Moving out is going to be very eye opening and liberating for you. Just brace yourself for the crazy that is bound to ensue, and do not be afraid to file any protective orders if she goes off the rails.


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## notmyjamie

JL39775 said:


> So Friday evening, my wife asked again about the attorney’s business card. I responded with, “what do you think it means.” She responded by flip flopping all weekend. She said she will try to change. One minute she would apologize then then the next minute she would verbally attack me. In two sentences, she she would make opposite statements. For example, she said she’s sorry and will surrender then tells me how I’m an ******* then gets unstable. When she goes off on me, I remind her that this is the reason I’m don’t want to be married to her and live the rest of my life unhappy.
> 
> 
> I almost married someone with borderline personality disorder and that whole paragraph sounds SO familiar. The back and forth from "I'll do better" to "**** you, it's all your fault" happens sometimes within the same sentence. It's a sight to behold.
> 
> 
> I hope once I move out I won’t be so messed up that I will never be my old self. The week of the 19th is when I plan to move out. Already looking at apartments.
> 
> It will take a while to get back to yourself. I suggest holding off on dating until you are healed. I also suggest some counseling. You need to be healed so you don't end up with someone who is the same or even worse than your current wife. When I left I then chose the man I married basically because he was the polar opposite of my ex...it didn't work out well for me. You need to heal so that you are well enough to choose someone who has the qualities you really want in a woman and not based on the comparisons to your ex wife.
> 
> It took a long time for me to stop feeling guilty about leaving my ex. I never got counseling but that was a big mistake. My life might look very different right now if I had.
> 
> Feels good to get that off my chest. Thanks for the advice and listening.
> 
> 
> I suspect you're going to need more advice and a place to vent before this is all over. It's probably going to get worse before it gets better but it will be worth it in the end. Keep coming back if you need to!!!!


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## JL39775

Counseling is a great idea. That will be a high priority once I’m in my owe apartment.


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## Openminded

She doesn't want a divorce so she'll probably try everything she can think of to pull you back in. Just be prepared.


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## JL39775

Openminded said:


> She doesn't want a divorce so she'll probably try everything she can think of to pull you back in. Just be prepared.




She is trying. I’m going to be strong and not let her manipulate me


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## 3Xnocharm

JL39775 said:


> She is trying. I’m going to be strong and not let her manipulate me
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good, because you would end up right back here again, having to start over from square one...again.


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## JL39775

2 1/2 weeks until my daughter’s birthday passes and my wife gets served. I’m so anxious and I don’t know what will be worse...waiting for the 2 1/2 weeks to pass or the 60 days waiting period after I file. Texas requires a 60 day waiting period before we proceed with the divorce process.

My wife is flipping from being nice to being hostile. She’s in denial but knows the end is near. 

I usually don’t let my emotions get to me but this process is causing a lot of anxiety. There are time I think I might have a nervous breakdown. I’ve never been so stressed in my life. I didn’t think it would be this hard and I’m expecting it to get worse.


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## Marc878

Go for walks or workout. It's a great stress reliever.

Your wife is incapable of change. Remind yourself of that.


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## 20yr

JL39775 said:


> 2 1/2 weeks until my daughter’s birthday passes and my wife gets served. I’m so anxious and I don’t know what will be worse...waiting for the 2 1/2 weeks to pass or the 60 days waiting period after I file. Texas requires a 60 day waiting period before we proceed with the divorce process.
> 
> My wife is flipping from being nice to being hostile. She’s in denial but knows the end is near.
> 
> I usually don’t let my emotions get to me but this process is causing a lot of anxiety. There are time I think I might have a nervous breakdown. I’ve never been so stressed in my life. I didn’t think it would be this hard and I’m expecting it to get worse.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The waiting is very difficult. I found it helpful to have some tasks to keep my mind busy and make me feel like I was making progress. Has the attorney told you what information you will need to collect? It is likely that you will need copies of past tax returns, account statements, etc. If you have everything pulled together, things might go faster after the 60 day wait period.


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## JL39775

20yr said:


> The waiting is very difficult. I found it helpful to have some tasks to keep my mind busy and make me feel like I was making progress. Has the attorney told you what information you will need to collect? It is likely that you will need copies of past tax returns, account statements, etc. If you have everything pulled together, things might go faster after the 60 day wait period.



The attorney asked me to fill out some paperwork regarding my assets and debt before my initial consultation. They have a rough estimate of what to divide between me and my wife. I’m sure I will have to provide tax returns and account statements soon. I already have everything ready to hand off. I also came up with a plan to split 60/40 of our assets in her favor. I going to encourage my wife to pay off the house when she gets her 60%. She hasn’t worked in 15 years and having no mortgage should help her get on her feet. If we sell the house and split the profits, then she will have to pay rent. That might not be in her best interest. The house has a new roof and all appliances are less that two years old. She will have a low maintenance house for awhile

I try my best to keep busy. I’m the type that can’t sits still too long. I try to find some work in the garage or around the house on weekends. I exercise regularly and that definitely helps with the stress.

Now time to rant. My wife hates that I run around the neighborhood. I think she believes everyone is checking me out which I think is ridiculous. I joined a running club years ago and my wife complained about it so much that I quit the running club. I would run every Sunday with the club early in the morning and would be back home and showered before anyone woke up. I was a Scoutmaster for my son’s Boy Scout Troop and my wife constantly complained that I was the Scoutmaster. So I step down and broke a lot of Boy Scout’s heart. All to stop my wife from complaining. Her insecurities is a big issue. My wife is bothered because there are women in the running club and I have to interact Boy Scout moms asking questions. I cant wait to be myself again.



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## ABHale

JL39775 said:


> Thanks. I’m meeting with another attorney Monday at $250 per hour. I know I risk “you get what you pay for.”
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You will get what you pay for


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## ABHale

JL39775 said:


> I asked the attorney I spoke with about total estimated cost and she said she doesn’t have a magic crystal ball. Every divorce is different. If my wife fight aggressively, it will cost more. If she agrees to the initial terms, then it can be a quick slam dunk divorce.
> 
> I have small debt and a decent amount saved. Realistically, I’m told it will be a 60/40 split since we’ve been married for 19 years. I can live with that. Mostly likely, I will not pay spousal support. Child support will be less than $1,800 per month, but I will support my kids to the best of my abilities beyond what the law states. I’m hoping to give her the house and most household item, a paid off vehicle and half my savings minus the equity in my house, vehicle and household items. My 18 year old son will get to keep his paid off car. I will absorb all remaining debt. Maybe I’m naive, but this sounds fair and generous.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Would your daughter stay with you 100% if she wants to?


----------



## ABHale

JL39775 said:


> I had an appointment the second attorney. I’m moving forward with her. I paid the retainer and the plan is to file and serve my wife on Aug. 19th. I’m delaying because my daughter’s birthday is Aug. 16th and we have a big party planned for her the weekend before. I don’t want WW3 to ruin her birthday.
> 
> The house is getting toxic. My wife accused me of sexually hurting my kids because she doesn’t understand why they are hurt. Unfortunately, to prove she was wrong, I told my kids what she is accusing me of and they told my wife that it’s not true and they didn’t understand why she would make outrageous claims. I haven’t forgiven her for the accusations and haven’t been intimate with her for 6 weeks. This is driving her crazy and the home environment is bad.
> 
> Now, I’m thinking about getting an apartment after my daughter birthday party. I might go a few weeks without seeing my kids until the temporary restraining order is in place.
> 
> What a nightmare!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Talk with your daughter about what you are about to do. Don’t spring it in her or your son. Ask her where she wants to stay after the divorce.


----------



## JL39775

I’m so careless. Recently, I opened a checking account in my name so I can separate my finances when I get my apartment. Last, week I setup my brokerage account to be able to wire transfer to my new checking account. My brokerage account is not setup with electronic correspondence and the brokerage firm send me a letter stating that the wire transfer setup was successful. My wife open the letter and saw that I was going behind her back and opened a new checking account. This did not got well. 

She is desperate and many nights she sits in bed while I’m trying to sleep and verbally attacks me. Last night, she would not shut up. I stayed calm and explain to her that I preparing to get an apartment and her verbal abuse is taking a toll on me and I can’t tolerate it any longer. 

My daughter’s birthday party is this weekend through Tuesday. I had plan to move out in a week or two after her birthday party. But, I’m having a hard time hanging in there. 

I haven’t had sex with her most of the summer. I know my wife is sexual frustrated and it might be adding fuel to the fire. Last night, I got so tired of my wife *bitc*ing me out when I wanted to sleep. So, I went against holding out and was intimate with her just to keep her from attacking me. It was so weird. She was bitc*ing me out, then I grabbed her and had my way. She went along with no resistance. After we finished, I asked her to let me sleep in peace and she let me. I slept well.

My wife was still in bed when I left for work. Unfortunately, as I was getting in my car, she chased me down with the wire transfer letter in her hand and started bitc*ing me out again. I told her I don’t have time for this, put the car in reverse and left for work.

I’M SO UNHAPPY WITH MY WIFE.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

When she attacks you, why do you just lie there instead of going in another room and shutting the door in her face? She takes your presence as permission.


----------



## JL39775

3Xnocharm said:


> When she attacks you, why do you just lie there instead of going in another room and shutting the door in her face? She takes your presence as permission.




I tried going to another room. My wife will follow me. There’s no escape as long as I’m in the house. If I lock the room door she will open the door with a credit card. If my kids are in a main room, I usually hang with them since she seem to control herself a little around the kids. But, my kids are teenagers and they are usually in their room or out with friends. My only option is get an apartment. I’m visiting the apartment complex I’m interested in after work today. I will most likely put down a deposit. Once I’m out the house, I’m sure my phone will blow up with text messages and phone calls. I have to deal with a lot of her text messages daily while I’m busy at work. I’ve gotten use to ignoring them.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

That exhausts me just to read. She sounds psycho. Once you move into an apartment she is going to be beating on your door, so be prepared that you may have to file some kind of order against her to make her stay away.


----------



## wilson

You should be carrying the VAR with you at all times. When she goes off on these rants, hold up the VAR and say something like "I'm sure glad I'm making this recording. It's going to really help me in the settlement if we end up divorcing." Don't get emotional about it. Look at these rants as things you can use to help you in the divorce. Watch youtube videos or something so you don't get too bored standing there waiting for her rant to end.


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## JL39775

3Xnocharm said:


> That exhausts me just to read. She sounds psycho. Once you move into an apartment she is going to be beating on your door, so be prepared that you may have to file some kind of order against her to make her stay away.




That’s what I’m expecting to happen


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JL39775

Got my apartment secured today. Move in date is Aug. 15th. I will move in the week of Aug. 19th. I doubt I will be able to take any furniture.

My wife text me today and she mentions that she realizes she hasn’t been fair and now acknowledges she has separation anxiety. She said she would change. As soon as I walked in the door, the wife I’ve known all these years was there. Change my *ss. Same old same old...

Now I’m worried about being lonely.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

Congrats on the apartment! You are in no way going to be lonely. You may feel a bit displaced for a while. But you are going to be in for a whole new world, one where there is peace and sanity and room to be yourself. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JL39775

I’m at a beach house for my daughter’s birthday with her friends. My wife is so pessimistic that it’s driving me crazy. So negative about everything. I cooked all the meals, hung out with the kids at the beach and all she did was send me harassing text messages while she stayed at the beach house. Her actions are so unbearable. She’s telling me I’m ruining my daughter’s birthday. I remind her that this is no your week but your daughter’s. My daughter Nd her friends are having a blast. A few more days until I can move into my apartment.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

You'd better learn to ignore.


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## wilson

Sorry it's a rough trip, but great job on ensuring your daughter has a fun birthday! You could try replying to your wife with non-committal responses like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "We'll just have to try and make the best of it". Forget about trying to be logical or reason with her. It would be pointless, get her more wound up, and give her more ammo to argue about.


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## SunnyT

You don't have to answer W's texts at all.


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## nekonamida

Be careful. She may pull out all sorts of stops to keep control over you. This has nothing to do with anxiety of any kind.

She knows what she's doing. That's why she can keep a lid on it when the kids are around. That's why she texts you vitriol instead of flying off the handle in front of everyone. She knows it's wrong so she abuses you in secret when she thinks no one else can hear it or see it. It's all about control and now that she's losing control over you, she's desperate to get it back.

Have a friend with you when you move out or try to do it when she's not around so that you don't have any surprise false charges brought against you.


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## jlg07

Keep the texts -- and give them to your lawyer. It may help...


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## JL39775

Marc878 said:


> You'd better learn to ignore.




That’s been my strategy the whole summer.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JL39775

I’m back from the beach house we rented for my daughter’s birthday. Even though my wife found my attorney’s business card a few of weeks ago , she refused to believe I will divorce her. Yesterday, my new apartment complex called my phone as I was putting things up from my trip and my wife saw the call on my phone. She wanted to know why I got a call from the complex. I told her I’m going to divorce her and move out. She got angry and kept mentioning how this will affect the kids. I told her that I’ve showed patience with her for 19 years and our kids are affected because of our toxic household. I told her that I can’t control her action and I’m going to take control by moving out and divorcing her so everyone can start to heal. She’s been attacking me ever since. I was planning to buy cheap IKEA furniture Friday and move Saturday. Look like I’ll be moving sooner if I continue to get attacked and sit in an empty apartment for a day or two. I’m so stressed. I feel like my wife is holding me under water and I can’t come up for air.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie

JL39775 said:


> I’m back from the beach house we rented for my daughter’s birthday. Even though my wife found my attorney’s business card a few of weeks ago , she refused to believe I will divorce her. Yesterday, my new apartment complex called my phone as I was putting things up from my trip and my wife saw the call on my phone. She wanted to know why I got a call from the complex. I told her I’m going to divorce her and move out. She got angry and kept mentioning how this will affect the kids. I told her that I’ve showed patience with her for 19 years and our kids are affected because of our toxic household. I told her that I can’t control her action and I’m going to take control by moving out and divorcing her so everyone can start to heal. She’s been attacking me ever since. I was planning to buy cheap IKEA furniture Friday and move Saturday. Look like I’ll be moving sooner if I continue to get attacked and sit in an empty apartment for a day or two. I’m so stressed. I feel like my wife is holding me under water and I can’t come up for air.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's Wednesday...go rent a cheap hotel room for a few nights just to get away!!! Be prepared that when you do actually leave, her tactics will change. She'll become remorseful, cry, beg for another chance, promise to change, etc, etc. Then when everything is back to "normal" she'll turn right back into the hateful monster you're trying to escape from right now. 

When I was with my ex, I often said that he made me feel like I couldn't keep my head above water. I was drowning. I think your wife is just like him, borderline personality disorder. Look it up. And please, get away now, while you can. You will NEVER regret it. In the meantime, *hugs*


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## StillSearching

You wife sounds like mine, that I finally divorced.
I was married to her borderline personality for 25 years.
I'm glad you are getting on with your life. It's wonderful out here. Be ready for all kinds of sexual advances from her.
I believe this guy is right on...borderline personality is nothing but a different description for narcissism.


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## wilson

Whatever your wife is doing to find all this stuff out about what you're doing, put an end to it. Lock everything down. Shut her out. 

Make your own bank account. If your cell plan is shared, transfer your number to an account you own. Have your mail forwarded to the apartment. Get your own credit card. Put a lock on your credit so that she can't open CC's in your name. Do everything you can so that she can't snoop or know what you're up to.


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## Marduk

JL39775 said:


> I’m so careless. Recently, I opened a checking account in my name so I can separate my finances when I get my apartment. Last, week I setup my brokerage account to be able to wire transfer to my new checking account. My brokerage account is not setup with electronic correspondence and the brokerage firm send me a letter stating that the wire transfer setup was successful. My wife open the letter and saw that I was going behind her back and opened a new checking account. This did not got well.
> 
> She is desperate and many nights she sits in bed while I’m trying to sleep and verbally attacks me. Last night, she would not shut up. I stayed calm and explain to her that I preparing to get an apartment and her verbal abuse is taking a toll on me and I can’t tolerate it any longer.
> 
> My daughter’s birthday party is this weekend through Tuesday. I had plan to move out in a week or two after her birthday party. But, I’m having a hard time hanging in there.
> 
> I haven’t had sex with her most of the summer. I know my wife is sexual frustrated and it might be adding fuel to the fire. Last night, I got so tired of my wife *bitc*ing me out when I wanted to sleep. So, I went against holding out and was intimate with her just to keep her from attacking me. It was so weird. She was bitc*ing me out, then I grabbed her and had my way. She went along with no resistance. After we finished, I asked her to let me sleep in peace and she let me. I slept well.
> 
> My wife was still in bed when I left for work. Unfortunately, as I was getting in my car, she chased me down with the wire transfer letter in her hand and started bitc*ing me out again. I told her I don’t have time for this, put the car in reverse and left for work.
> 
> I’M SO UNHAPPY WITH MY WIFE.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



This is not computing for me. Do not do this.

Leave or stay, but do not leave and stay, and do not keep having sex with your wife. For both of your sakes.

You are increasing the drama and trauma on both of you, and likely those around you.


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## Marc878

Learn to ignore. Google grey rocking


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## JL39775

notmyjamie said:


> It's Wednesday...go rent a cheap hotel room for a few nights just to get away!!! Be prepared that when you do actually leave, her tactics will change. She'll become remorseful, cry, beg for another chance, promise to change, etc, etc. Then when everything is back to "normal" she'll turn right back into the hateful monster you're trying to escape from right now.
> 
> 
> 
> When I was with my ex, I often said that he made me feel like I couldn't keep my head above water. I was drowning. I think your wife is just like him, borderline personality disorder. Look it up. And please, get away now, while you can. You will NEVER regret it. In the meantime, *hugs*




Thanks


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## turnera

Did you buy a VAR yet?

Also, don't leave without talking to your kids first. Alone.


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## JL39775

turnera said:


> Did you buy a VAR yet?
> 
> Also, don't leave without talking to your kids first. Alone.




I definitely want to tell my kids before I leave privately. But that’s going to be hard to do. A couple of years ago, I told my kids that I might divorce their mom soon. After two weeks, my daughter broken down and told my wife what I said. My wife thought I was evil for telling my kids. Ever since, she doesn’t trust me around the kids. It’s worse now that she knows I’ve been talking to an attorney and I told her I’m moving into an apartment. I came home today and hung out with my kids in my daughter’s room and my wife ran in and started yelling at me, asking me what we were discussing. My daughter told her we were chatting about her birthday party and that I was reminding my son about is college orientation tomorrow. My wife didn’t believe her. I know my wife thought that I told the kids I was leaving. I stayed quite as my daughter told her that she needs to stop assuming that were are talking about negative things. It’s strange that the only safe place in my house is near my kids. My wife mostly behaves around them.


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## JL39775

turnera said:


> Did you buy a VAR yet?
> 
> Also, don't leave without talking to your kids first. Alone.




Maybe I’m naive, but I’m going to be moving out in a few days and I’m going to ignore my wife’s phone calls and text message. I don’t think I’ll need a VAR and I do t think it would matter in Texas. I hope she doesn’t try something stupid between now and Saturday. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Nucking Futs

JL39775 said:


> *Maybe I’m naive*, but I’m going to be moving out in a few days and I’m going to ignore my wife’s phone calls and text message. I don’t think I’ll need a VAR and I do t think it would matter in Texas. I hope she doesn’t try something stupid between now and Saturday.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yep, you are. Bigly. Get the freakin' var, it'll help you stay out of jail.


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## turnera

Get the VAR. Your wife is unstable and you CANNOT trust her to do a logical thing. Trust us. This is far from over.


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## wilson

JL39775 said:


> Maybe I’m naive, but I’m going to be moving out in a few days and I’m going to ignore my wife’s phone calls and text message. I don’t think I’ll need a VAR and I do t think it would matter in Texas. *I hope she doesn’t try something stupid between now and Saturday*.


Your last sentence is why you have the VAR. It's so that when she gets in a fight with you and calls the police with wild claims, you can play the VAR and avoid a ride to the police station (from a true story on TAM). You're right that it probably won't factor into a divorce hearing, but it will likely help you defend yourself against her wild claims. I wouldn't be surprised if she actually says something like "Call off the divorce or I'll say you molested the kids." You have no idea how far she'll go, so you should try to protect yourself anyway you can.

Texas is a one-party recording state, so you don't even have to tell her you're recording her.


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## turnera

And how hard would it have been to tell your daughter when you were in her bedroom? Come on. If you leave without telling them first, you will HARM them. Please trust me on this.


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## JL39775

turnera said:


> And how hard would it have been to tell your daughter when you were in her bedroom? Come on. If you leave without telling them first, you will HARM them. Please trust me on this.




I promise I will. If I tell them now all hell will break loose with my wife. I trying to mitigate the risk of a WWIII. My daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. I will sit with them and break the news before I leave. I just need to time this discussion.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

Get the VAR, tell the kids.....slam the door in her face if you have to. You are allowing your W to dictate

what you do in these last few days before you move out. Check your daughter out of school and tell her.

You've let your W run over you for so long, when you stand up to her it is foreign to you.

It will become less foreign every time you stand up to her. After you tell the kids.... you may want to

add another # to your phone plan. Give the # to your kids and no one else. Your W will blow your 

phone up once you leave. The first 17 calls will be boo-hoo please come home. The next 17 she will let

you know how much of a sorry ass POS you are. This will go on for awhile. And yes your kids will

have to hear it. But that's on your W, not you. Reason for new phone #, your W will get your

kids phone and try and call you, knowing you will answer. She will interrogate the living hell out

of both kids trying to pry info from them. Can the kids stay with relatives / friends nearby?

Your kids may want to stay with you while she goes Mommy Meltdown. You really see who people 

are in meltdowns.

Get VAR yesterday
Get nanny cams for your new place

She is exactly the type to throw out a fake DV charge on you, have you locked up hoping you will

cave and come back home.


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> I promise I will. If I tell them now *all hell will break loose with my wife*. I trying to mitigate the risk of a WWIII. My daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. I will sit with them and break the news before I leave. I just need to time this discussion.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What do you think it's been for the last ? years? Tell the kids, GTFO, take the kids if they

want to go. She will meltdown when you leave but.....tell me..... how different is it now?

Better to have her tell you how worthless you are on a phone going to VM than in person.

Her actions.... keep in mind, she is showing you who she really is, BELIEVE her.


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## 3Xnocharm

Chuck71 said:


> What do you think it's been for the last ? years? T*ell the kids, GTFO, take the kids if they
> 
> want to go. *She will meltdown when you leave but.....tell me..... how different is it now?
> 
> Better to have her tell you how worthless you are on a phone going to VM than in person.
> 
> Her actions.... keep in mind, she is showing you who she really is, BELIEVE her.


This brings up a good point... would your kids WANT to go with you? Did you plan to put that option out there for them? Seems there may be a good chance they wouldnt want to be there with her without you there....


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## JL39775

3Xnocharm said:


> This brings up a good point... would your kids WANT to go with you? Did you plan to put that option out there for them? Seems there may be a good chance they wouldnt want to be there with her without you there....




I think my kids will stay with my wife. She’s annoys them at times because she tries to micromanage them, but she’s a good mom. The kids are comfortable in the house. I will bring it up to them. They are old enough to decide where they want to live. My son is an adult now and he will be free to come and go as he pleases. 


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## JL39775

I moved out today. I’m already pretty sad.


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## Chuck71

How do you feel? Just let it out......


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## 3Xnocharm

Totally normal to be sad, even when it’s for the best. You took the first step and that’s huge. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

Change is always hard but on the flip side you'd just be getting more of the same if you stay


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## JL39775

Chuck71 said:


> How do you feel? Just let it out......




It broke my heart to tell my kids. I cried like I haven’t in years. I feel like a family member died.


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## 3Xnocharm

JL39775 said:


> It broke my heart to tell my kids. I cried like I haven’t in years. I feel like a family member died.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Understandable. And that is a very accurate description of how this feels. Just make sure from here on, when it comes to your kids that you show strength and lead by example. They will look to you for guidance on how to feel and how things are going to work going forward. So while it’s ok to break down when you’re alone, put on your strong dad face when they are around. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JL39775

3Xnocharm said:


> Understandable. And that is a very accurate description of how this feels. Just make sure from here on, when it comes to your kids that you show strength and lead by example. They will look to you for guidance on how to feel and how things are going to work going forward. So while it’s ok to break down when you’re alone, put on your strong dad face when they are around.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




It’s going to be hard not to cry in front of them. My anxiety is through the roof. 


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## Chuck71

Take it one day....one hour, one minute, one second if you have to. This is new to you. You will learn a lot 

about yourself and who your STBXW really is. Even just a year from now you will be so happy you took the first step.

Each additional step becomes easier...


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## aquarius1

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. We’re here.


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## ABHale

JL39775 said:


> It’s going to be hard not to cry in front of them. My anxiety is through the roof.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You really need to get a grip. Breathe deeply come to terms with this and be there for your kids.


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## JL39775

ABHale said:


> You really need to get a grip. Breathe deeply come to terms with this and be there for your kids.




Yeah, I agree. Work got my mind off of things today. I just need to stay busy. Sitting in my apartment the first two days gave me too much time to think and be sad. I’m better today. I know it will get better. I look forward to teach my daughter to drive this weekend before she starts driving school. I’m excited.


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> Yeah, I agree. Work got my mind off of things today. I just need to stay busy. Sitting in my apartment the first two days gave me too much time to think and be sad. I’m better today. I know it will get better.* I look forward to teach my daughter to drive this weekend before she starts driving school. I’m excited*.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You should be terrified :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## JL39775

Chuck71 said:


> You should be terrified :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:




Hahaha. I survived teaching my son. I hope it will be easier with my daughter. 

Today was a good day. My wife blow up my phone with messages. I ignored all of them. I wonder if my kid told her I’ve been communicating with them.


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## Marc878

Nice job. Keep up the no contact. There's really nothing to say now.


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> Hahaha. I survived teaching my son. I hope it will be easier with my daughter.
> 
> Today was a good day. My wife blow up my phone with messages. I ignored all of them. I wonder if my kid told her I’ve been communicating with them.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Made you laugh..... You can laugh or you can cry.... your choice. 

As I stated she will pry the phone from your daughter to see if you have communicated with her.

She HAS to know what you and her are saying...... #eyeroll


----------



## wilson

For your kids sake, try to keep as upbeat and positive attitude as possible. If the kids see you having a positive outlook, they will be happy for you even though the divorce itself isn't a happy thing. The positivity will rub off on them and they will approach the divorce with a better attitude. And remember that you're divorcing your wife, not your kids. You will have a long and fantastic relationship with them. Your future relationship will likely be better since you won't have to deal with your wife's criticisms of what you are doing. Of course, it's sad that the dream of a perfect marriage isn't going to happen, but that dream was lost a long time ago. Try to keep focus on how good the future will be and leave the past behind.


----------



## ABHale

JL39775 said:


> Hahaha. I survived teaching my son. I hope it will be easier with my daughter.
> 
> Today was a good day. My wife blow up my phone with messages. I ignored all of them. I wonder if my kid told her I’ve been communicating with them.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is it!!! Always look for the positive!

Your kids are your positive for now.


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## JL39775

Things are getting better. Work kept me busy last week. I’ve seen my kids every few days and text them throughout each day. I’m all settled in my new apartment and I’m ready to more forward and do new things. My stress level is lower and feel happy. I’m glad I have the support of my friends and co-workers.

I think my wife is getting served today. She has been blowing up my phone. Once the TRO is in place, I hope she stops the harassment.

One thing I discovered is splitting from a spouse is the best weight-loss program. I can’t believe how skinny I’ve gotten in a few weeks.


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## 20yr

JL39775 said:


> Things are getting better. Work kept me busy last week. I’ve seen my kids every few days and text them throughout each day. I’m all settled in my new apartment and I’m ready to more forward and do new things. My stress level is lower and feel happy. I’m glad I have the support of my friends and co-workers.
> 
> I think my wife is getting served today. She has been blowing up my phone. Once the TRO is in place, I hope she stops the harassment.
> 
> One thing I discovered is splitting from a spouse is the best weight-loss program. I can’t believe how skinny I’ve gotten in a few weeks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good for you. Actions speak louder than word for kids. Keep texting them and being a great dad - they will appreciate it and your relationship with them will stay strong.

As for your wife, make sure to save any voice mails, texts, emails for your attorney. Even a screenshot showing 20 missed calls can be helpful evidence if more is needed.

The infidelity diet is pretty amazing. Wouldn't recommend it but it is effective! Plus, the gym is a great place to burn off some stress. 

Good luck.


----------



## notmyjamie

JL39775 said:


> Things are getting better. Work kept me busy last week. I’ve seen my kids every few days and text them throughout each day. I’m all settled in my new apartment and I’m ready to more forward and do new things. My stress level is lower and feel happy. I’m glad I have the support of my friends and co-workers.
> 
> I think my wife is getting served today. She has been blowing up my phone. Once the TRO is in place, I hope she stops the harassment.
> 
> One thing I discovered is splitting from a spouse is the best weight-loss program. I can’t believe how skinny I’ve gotten in a few weeks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm so glad you're doing better. With time it will get easier and easier. I'd imagine you feel like you can breathe again. It's such a weight lifted off your shoulders. Be there for your kids throughout this...they'll remember that forever. 

I saw a neighbor the other day I hadn't seen in a long time. When I told her about my divorce she said "oh..that's why you're so skinny!" LOL To be honest though, I lost a bunch of weight for medical reasons last year...divorce was not involved in it at all. I wish I had lost more from the divorce...I really want to drop another 20lbs. My STBX has lost some though...I think that is divorce related. My neighbor, whose husband just left her for another woman has lost a ton of weight...she looks amazing.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I didnt realize you had filed for a TRO, good for you! I am glad to read you have started doing better. I knew you would!  Just keep heading for that light at the end of the tunnel, you are going to do great.


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> Things are getting better. Work kept me busy last week. I’ve seen my kids every few days and text them throughout each day. I’m all settled in my new apartment and I’m ready to more forward and do new things. My stress level is lower and feel happy. I’m glad I have the support of my friends and co-workers.
> 
> I think my wife is getting served today. She has been blowing up my phone. Once the TRO is in place, I hope she stops the harassment.
> 
> One thing I discovered is splitting from a spouse is the best weight-loss program. I can’t believe how skinny I’ve gotten in a few weeks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


NOW.......she wants to talk! Trust me...she will say everything you want to hear. She will actually

back up what she says, for....about six months. Then revert back to her true self.

Full speed ahead with D. Keep communicating with the kids. To them this is the first time

you have lived alone. They will worry about you.


----------



## JL39775

I took the kids to dinner and we hung out at my apartment last night. This was their first visit to my apartment. They kicked off their shoes and got comfortable real quick which made me happy. I can’t believe how much better I feel with less stress in my life. My kids also look happier. I ask them how they felt about the divorce and they told me that it was not a surprise and they were expecting it. I apologized that we can’t all live together. They said they were fine and not to worry about them. 

My wife still messaging me. Sometime a lot and sometime I go hours without a text. I ignore all of them. She goes from saying she will surrender and change to calling me an “A” hole to giving me the guilt trip about abandoning the family to being sweet. This is a rinse an repeat cycle. She went to visit an attorney so I think she knows I won’t come back to her. She has been reasonable with letting me get some of my personal belongings. I’m starting to think that we will have an amicable divorce. Maybe she is fooling me. I’m not go to be manipulated.

Now, I’m ready to meet new people and catch up with current friends. It’s weird being on my own. I feel like a fish out of water. 

Does anyone know what type of counselor can help me? Family or marriage? I’m needed help with not looking over my shoulder thinking I’m doing something wrong to avoid conflict with my wife. Because of my wife’s insecurities, I’ve also gotten in a habit of talking to women more robotic since I wanted to prevent my wife’s assumptions that all women want me. I hate that I had to change to avoid conflict because she has issues.

Thanks!


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## Marc878

You need IC a marriage counselor if for keeping the marriage intact.


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## Chuck71

Try an IC to get to the root. Didn't you say your childhood and hers were pretty good?

Hope for a smooth D but be prepared for it to get ugly. One child is of age, the other can decide where

she wants to go. I think you mentioned a reasonable offer earlier about asset split.

You will feel weird for awhile, being single for the first time since you were in your early 20s, some 20 years ago.

Meeting people, dating had changed so much for me (mid-90s to mid-10s). But you will meet a lot

of people your age who are jaded and jilted. If they can't get past that, you need to move along.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I am so glad to read that your kids are cool with your apartment and the situation in general. I had a feeling they would be. Take some time to breathe and just BE for a while. I dont really have a counselor recommendation as I have not done therapy myself, but its good you are thinking along that path.


----------



## JL39775

I have an appointment with a counselor Sept. 13. I’m starting to feel real good. I’m just getting settled in my new apartment. I’m sure my current routine will slowly start to change. 

I am hanging out with friends some but I am somewhat lonely. I want to meet new people and start dating again. I’m only two weeks into my separation and the divorce has been filed with the court. Is it too soon to start dating? I feel that it’s wrong but I need to take care of myself after I take care of my kids. I’m ready to date and women have already sparked interest. I getting happier by the day and my confidence is pretty big right now. World here I come lol.


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## wilson

It's great to hear things are going well. I'm sure that's a relief considering how you were feeling before. 

One risk in starting dating now is that it allows your W to say you've been having an affair all along and that's why you moved out. It'll be easier to shut down those kinds of accusations by saying "I'm not seeing anyone" rather then "I met her after I moved out". And legally you are still married, so it technically would be an affair if you started dating now.

There are many ways you can expand your social circle now which will lay the groundwork for meeting someone later on. Go to meetups in your area for things that interest you. Join a workout group like boot camp or a running club. Get involved as a volunteer. Things like those will allow you to interact with a lot of different people in a casual environment and will naturally lead to friendships and more.


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## 3Xnocharm

Personally I would suggest holding off on dating for right now. I think it can only add chaos. I understand how you are feeling, but you need to work on the long game for right now.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

JL39775 said:


> I had an appointment the second attorney. I’m moving forward with her. I paid the retainer and the plan is to file and serve my wife on Aug. 19th. I’m delaying because my daughter’s birthday is Aug. 16th and we have a big party planned for her the weekend before. I don’t want WW3 to ruin her birthday.
> 
> The house is getting toxic. My wife accused me of sexually hurting my kids because she doesn’t understand why they are hurt. Unfortunately, to prove she was wrong, I told my kids what she is accusing me of and they told my wife that it’s not true and they didn’t understand why she would make outrageous claims. I haven’t forgiven her for the accusations and haven’t been intimate with her for 6 weeks. This is driving her crazy and the home environment is bad.
> 
> Now, I’m thinking about getting an apartment after my daughter birthday party. I might go a few weeks without seeing my kids until the temporary restraining order is in place.
> 
> What a nightmare!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





JL39775 said:


> I think my kids will stay with my wife. She’s annoys them at times because she tries to micromanage them, but she’s a good mom. The kids are comfortable in the house. I will bring it up to them. They are old enough to decide where they want to live. My son is an adult now and he will be free to come and go as he pleases.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Quit trying to find reasons not to fight for your kids. A good mom does not accuse a father of unfounded sexual abuse. You had to insert your kids into the crap to get it to stop.

No, not a good mom.


Stop it.

You are not a martyr or being chivalrous by letting the kids make the decision and letting her retain full custody.

You are worried about your retirement so, you can worry about your current finances. Tell the lawyer you want to fight for 50/50 custody. Yes, it will considerably lessen what you pay in child support.


You can let them stay at the house and not change, but you’ll have better protections with 50/50.

Yes, I see the other positives like the TRO, but you need to protect your rights. You glossing over the sexual abuse is scary. I’ve seen allegations ruin people going through divorce.


----------



## JL39775

wilson said:


> It's great to hear things are going well. I'm sure that's a relief considering how you were feeling before.
> 
> 
> 
> One risk in starting dating now is that it allows your W to say you've been having an affair all along and that's why you moved out. It'll be easier to shut down those kinds of accusations by saying "I'm not seeing anyone" rather then "I met her after I moved out". And legally you are still married, so it technically would be an affair if you started dating now.
> 
> 
> 
> There are many ways you can expand your social circle now which will lay the groundwork for meeting someone later on. Go to meetups in your area for things that interest you. Join a workout group like boot camp or a running club. Get involved as a volunteer. Things like those will allow you to interact with a lot of different people in a casual environment and will naturally lead to friendships and more.




Thanks for the feedback. Meetups sound like a great idea.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JL39775

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Quit trying to find reasons not to fight for your kids. A good mom does not accuse a father of unfounded sexual abuse. You had to insert your kids into the crap to get it to stop.
> 
> No, not a good mom.
> 
> 
> Stop it.
> 
> You are not a martyr or being chivalrous by letting the kids make the decision and letting her retain full custody.
> 
> You are worried about your retirement so, you can worry about your current finances. Tell the lawyer you want to fight for 50/50 custody. Yes, it will considerably lessen what you pay in child support.
> 
> 
> You can let them stay at the house and not change, but you’ll have better protections with 50/50.
> 
> Yes, I see the other positives like the TRO, but you need to protect your rights. You glossing over the sexual abuse is scary. I’ve seen allegations ruin people going through divorce.




I will talk to my attorney and see what she thinks. At this point, my wife is saying I took her allegation of abuse the wrong way. It’s her word against mine at this point. 


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## brooklynAnn

Just putting.my 2 cents. But you should speak to the lawyer about her accusations of sexual abuse against the kids. This can blow up really big and you could lose your kids and ever thing else.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

JL39775 said:


> I will talk to my attorney and see what she thinks. At this point, my wife is saying I took her allegation of abuse the wrong way. It’s her word against mine at this point.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sexual abuse allegations can only be taken one way. I am not talking about using it in court. I am talking about you continually saying she is a “good mom.” A good parent doesn’t use kids as pawns in a fight, let alone make a life altering allegation about abuse. You could lose all parental rights while they investigate.

50/50 custody for men is becoming the norm. Many men just settle because of the old belief system that women always win full. Don’t settle, say you want 50/50.


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## JL39775

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sexual abuse allegations can only be taken one way. I am not talking about using it in court. I am talking about you continually saying she is a “good mom.” A good parent doesn’t use kids as pawns in a fight, let alone make a life altering allegation about abuse. You could lose all parental rights while they investigate.
> 
> 50/50 custody for men is becoming the norm. Many men just settle because of the old belief system that women always win full. Don’t settle, say you want 50/50.




I get what you’re saying and I see your point of view. I agree with you that her allegations are unacceptable. I mentioned the allegations to my attorney. Let’s see where it goes. Now that my case has been filed with the court, I have to wait 60 days before we move forward here in Texas. At that point my attorney and I will come up with a plan for asset split and custody for mediation. I hope we come to an agreement during mediation. If so, I’m might be divorced in 5 months.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marduk

JL39775 said:


> I have an appointment with a counselor Sept. 13. I’m starting to feel real good. I’m just getting settled in my new apartment. I’m sure my current routine will slowly start to change.
> 
> I am hanging out with friends some but I am somewhat lonely. I want to meet new people and start dating again. I’m only two weeks into my separation and the divorce has been filed with the court. Is it too soon to start dating? I feel that it’s wrong but I need to take care of myself after I take care of my kids. I’m ready to date and women have already sparked interest. I getting happier by the day and my confidence is pretty big right now. World here I come lol.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Listen. From a guy that’s been there.

The first relationship is probably going to be a hot disastrous mess. 

When you can see that for what it is, and have fun with it, then you’re ready. I’d give it a few months personally.


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## Openminded

Wait.


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## JL39775

I feel my attorney is dragging her feet. She file a week later than I expected. It’s been a week and a half since my divorce was filed and my wife has not been served. I know we had a long weekend and I hope she gets served today. My temp. restraining order hearing is Sept 10. I know I get charged every time I ask my attorney or legal assistant a question so I remain patient. I’m anxious to get the divorce moving. 

My wife continues to believe I’m coming home even though I tell her I’m not coming home. I hope reality hits her when she gets served. I just want her to stop texting me from the moment she wakes to the time she goes to bed. Here’s an example of her texts. 

Come home.
You’re a coward for abandoning the family
Your a great dad
I took you for granted
You’re an a$$ hole
[email protected] you
You’re self center and selfish
I’m sorry

Rinse and repeat 

I block her at times to give me a break.

She tries anything to get me to come home to talk. She lied that the dog is sick, your son is acting up, the sink is broke... Nothing is wrong when I go. Once I get there she corners me and starts a fight. I want to see my kids but it’s at the expensive of dealing with my wife. 

I don’t sleep well. I hope this passes soon. I’m going to my primary care doctor today and discuss my situation and get checked out. I have an appointment with a counselor next week. I’ve lost a lot of weight from the stress. I’m lifting weights and running almost everyday and it’s helping with the stress. I am really comfortable living in my apartment. I’m feel happy most of the time with moments of sadness. I’m making new friends. I need a vacation, but I have to wait due to supporting two households.

I think I purged all my thoughts lol.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow, she is relentless. Good for you for not responding to her crap, you are actually doing really good! Seems I remember it taking a bit of time for my ex to be served after I filed, it may have been like two weeks or so... its hard to recall. But I remember waiting and being antsy about it. Just brace yourself, I feel like all hell is going to break loose once it happens.


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## Chuck71

JL39.....actually sounds normal, her reactions. She is in denial about the D. 3X is correct, when she is

served, she will flip a gasket. Be prepared with VAR. How are the kids holding up through this?

For you to take a financial hit like this, I can only imagine how miserable you were.


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## JL39775

Chuck71 said:


> JL39.....actually sounds normal, her reactions. She is in denial about the D. 3X is correct, when she is
> 
> 
> 
> served, she will flip a gasket. Be prepared with VAR. How are the kids holding up through this?
> 
> 
> 
> For you to take a financial hit like this, I can only imagine how miserable you were.




My wife was served yesterday. I told my attorney that she would be home between 11 am to 2 pm. They didn’t listen and the server shows up at 2:30. She calls me and ask where was my wife and I explained that she was picking up my daughter. She waited an hour then called back. I asked her to please wait 15 more minutes. 16 minutes later my wife comes home and gets served as I’m watching through live security camera. I was so relieved. It strange, she asked me to delete all the text messages she sent and then she chilled out. I’m keeping all the messages. She hasn’t text me as much since then.

I put enough money in our checking to pay the bills and for her to have spending money for a couple of weeks. However, she withdrew $1,500 before the mortgage cleared. I told her to put $500 back so the check would clear and at first she refused. I convinced her that if she didn’t put $500 back that this will be the beginning of a foreclosure and that she will not get a paid off house at the end of the divorce. Within 30 minute she deposited $500. I told her she can spend as much of her money if she gets a job and I will take care of all the bills plus almost twice what I would pay in child support. I think I’m going to only deposit disposable income in her checking and deposit money for bills in my account. I put it in her account as an act of good will. But I having a feeling she might spend it on other things. I told her to get an attorney. I put a bug on her ear and told her I turned down $450/hour attorney’s and settled with a $250/ hour. I told her that she free to use an expensive attorney but it will eat into the divide assets.

My attorney advised me to not date until I’m divorced. So tonight, I’m going to put on a sports jacket and head to a restaurant. Once I get there, I will sit at the bar, eat and drink and enjoy my date with myself.


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## shortbus

Good for you, I hope you have a good evening.


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## notmyjamie

It must be quite a relief to have that behind you. I'm doing mediation with my STBX and just got the draft of our divorce agreement. I can't wait to file it and have that behind me. 

I hope you had a nice dinner with a quiet phone. :smile2:


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## 3Xnocharm

I hope your overly generous offer of paying the bills is only a temporary plan and not what you are agreeing to in the the divorce? She actually did much better with being served that I had anticipated, so that is good, for sure. I am so glad for you that that part is done, what a relief!


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## JL39775

notmyjamie said:


> It must be quite a relief to have that behind you. I'm doing mediation with my STBX and just got the draft of our divorce agreement. I can't wait to file it and have that behind me.
> 
> 
> 
> I hope you had a nice dinner with a quiet phone. :smile2:




During your mediation, did your wife start with an outrageous settlement? I’m not sure what to expect and still a few months away from mediation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

JL39.....How long until the D is final IF it runs smooth? I hope her explosions are over but I seriously

doubt it. This is when she will come up with "theories" as to how controlling you are or how verbally

and mentally abusive you were. Even though you are offering a very appealing settlement offer

to her, don't be shocked if she gets greedy....at first or if she gets a lawyer who would want everything,

including the kitchen sink and the slow drip as well. What sports do you like? Watch them at a bar with

guys....most likely if they're around your age, they're there for a similar reason as you. It will feel really

foreign to you for awhile, it was for me. Invite the kids over a few times a week for a grill out

or just.....spend time together. Just be prepared for your STBX to have more meltdowns to come.


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## notmyjamie

JL39775 said:


> During your mediation, did your wife start with an outrageous settlement? I’m not sure what to expect and still a few months away from mediation.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, I don't have a wife...I am a wife, but no...my STBX and I both make similar salaries. I made about $10K more than him last year. I will make probably $20K more this year. We are living in the same house in two separate apartments so we aren't selling that just yet. So our custody is 50/50 both physical and legal so no child support either way. 

The outrageous thing my ex asked for was to continue to keep the house for another 10 years. We had originally said we'd keep it until our youngest graduated from high school. She is currently a sophomore so she'll be done in 2 1/2 years. Now he wants to keep this arrangement for 10 years "so the kids have place to live after college" except the kids will have a place to live. Whatever I buy will have space for them. Basically, he loves this house, the neighborhood, etc and he doesn't want to give it up. He has the large side of the house and I'm in a small one bedroom apartment. I don't really have room to have guests over while he could have a bunch of people over with lots of room. So he used me during the marriage and now he's continuing to use me now as he can't afford to buy me out.

In the end I got it down to 4 years, even though our youngest told me in therapy just before the mediation that she would prefer we sell the house and go our separate ways. I think having us both here is confusing for her and she's having a hard time separating "mom" time from "dad" time. I don't blame her. 

Anyway, your wife can go in asking for whatever she wants...that doesn't mean you have to agree to it. A good mediator will help her see if her demands are unreasonable and will tell her if no judge will sign off on the agreement. At least in my state, which is a 50/50 state, judges want things to be even and will reject a mediation agreement if it's too one sided.

Except for how long to keep the house, my mediation was a breeze, but I wasn't looking to get alimony...I was looking to avoid it and thankfully, getting alimony from me would wound my STBX's pride too much and the most he would get would be about $100/mo.

Feel free to ask any other questions about it!!!!!! If you've chosen a law firm, check out their website, they might have more information for you on what mediation is like.


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## JL39775

Chuck71 said:


> JL39.....How long until the D is final IF it runs smooth? I hope her explosions are over but I seriously
> 
> doubt it. This is when she will come up with "theories" as to how controlling you are or how verbally
> 
> and mentally abusive you were. Even though you are offering a very appealing settlement offer
> 
> to her, don't be shocked if she gets greedy....at first or if she gets a lawyer who would want everything,
> 
> including the kitchen sink and the slow drip as well. What sports do you like? Watch them at a bar with
> 
> guys....most likely if they're around your age, they're there for a similar reason as you. It will feel really
> 
> foreign to you for awhile, it was for me. Invite the kids over a few times a week for a grill out
> 
> or just.....spend time together. Just be prepared for your STBX to have more meltdowns to come.




I think if everything goes smooth, I can be D around January/February. She wants me back so bad. She admits that she has many faults that made me take the steps for a D. But, when I give her a stone cold reaction, she has mini explosions. I can see that she is trying hard to contain her emotion but she can’t keep it in. Some people will never change.

I have a court hearing for our temp. restraining order tomorrow. I don’t think she has an attorney and I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t show up. She is the type that’s always late or misses appointments. She has ten days to respond once she was served the D papers. I hope she forgets and not respond. This would put her in default then the whole process should go faster. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

When you make a major change it takes awhile to adjust. You'll settle in over time.

Most people don't or can't change their base behavior characteristics. They maybe able to control or manage it but from what I've seen it's usually temporary. A lot live on hopium way too long hoping they'll get it.

As you've seen she reverts back when she doesn't get her way.


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## JL39775

I was scheduled to go to court tomorrow at 9 AM. My attorney’s legal assistance called me at 4:30 to tell my that my wife hire an attorney and they need time. So, there is a little delay with the temporary restraining orders. I told the legal assistant that I need my wife to stop texting me 100 messages a day. She said she will let my attorney know and they will contact my wife’s attorney. I hope her attorney convinced her to leave me alone. Her text messages do not paint a pretty picture of her. Every few days she asks me to delete the messages. So, I know she knows she is acting inappropriate. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> I was scheduled to go to court tomorrow at 9 AM. My attorney’s legal assistance called me at 4:30 to tell my that my wife hire an attorney and they need time. So, there is a little delay with the temporary restraining orders. I told the legal assistant that I need my wife to stop texting me 100 messages a day. She said she will let my attorney know and they will contact my wife’s attorney. I hope her attorney convinced her to leave me alone. Her text messages do not paint a pretty picture of her. Every few days she asks me to delete the messages. So, I know she knows she is acting inappropriate.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Anytime......ANYTIME you are around her or talking to her, have it recorded. She has a lawyer now.

Prepare for it to get ugly. BTW.....don't be shocked if she files an order of protection against you.


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## JL39775

Chuck71 said:


> Anytime......ANYTIME you are around her or talking to her, have it recorded. She has a lawyer now.
> 
> 
> 
> Prepare for it to get ugly. BTW.....don't be shocked if she files an order of protection against you.




I don’t know why my wife would file an order on me. The order my attorney put together have the same conditions for me and my spouse. We both have to behave. If she wants to pay her attorney for duplicate efforts then so be it.


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## Kamstel

She could get a restraining order against you because of false claims of domestic violence. That’s why you have to have a VAR on you and running at all times whenever you’re with her. That way if she makes a claim against you, you have every right refuting it.


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## wilson

Kamstel said:


> She could get a restraining order against you because of false claims of domestic violence. That’s why you have to have a VAR on you and running at all times whenever you’re with her. That way if she makes a claim against you, you have every right refuting it.


Yes. Exactly this. Your wife is unstable. Stop thinking that she'll act logically or reasonably. I know we've had stories here from men who had their wives call 911 saying she was being abused and the only reason he didn't get a ride to the police station is because he could playback the recording of what happened.


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## Taxman

The likelihood of her faking a dv is fairly high. I have been around spouses like your wife that are so convinced of their control of their spouse, all semblance of law and order leaves their mind. I am concerned that she will do something extreme. To that end, please ensure that you are carrying a voice activated recorder (VAR) on you at all times. When you talk to her, make sure that your phone is recording video. If, at any time she so much as touches you, take the video to the police. I am not joking. I have seen people such as your wife attempt violence. They are convinced that they OWN their spouse. It is endemic to most every DV case that I have been involved with. Usually, it is the male that harbors this attitude, however, I have seen this play out with a female or two. One thing, now that the divorce is filed, she may no longer feel constrained, and stands a greater chance of acting out in an extreme fashion. One small story, and not a good one. I had a husband about five years back, who was much like your wife. He threatened her, that if she so much as talked to an attorney, she would regret it. After service of the divorce, she was found brutally beaten. Everyone remotely connected to this case knew that he had arranged it. He had an alibi. He made sure he was seen in a public place, at the time his wife was being assaulted. We advised police that they should be interrogating his close friends at work and at a bar that he frequented. Did not take long before the wife of a friend of his, showed up at a cop shop and let the cat out of the bag. The police interviewed a lot of people, then brought hubby in. He laughed at them, until the sworn depositions of his buddy and his buddy's wife were presented to him. He still thought that he was getting off, scot-free. The fellow from the bar that was hired by his friends to assault the wife had, as well, been arrested, and was busily building himself a plea deal. He gave hubby up tout suite. We demanded that hubby be locked up and the book be thrown at him. He came up for parole after five years. His exW, her attorney and his team (us) drove for two hours in the blowing snow to attend the hearing at the penitentiary. His parole was denied. He now comes up every year for the next five until his sentence runs out. We will be there every year.


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> I don’t know why my wife would file an order on me. The order my attorney put together have the same conditions for me and my spouse. We both have to behave. If she wants to pay her attorney for duplicate efforts then so be it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Your W doesn't want the D, she wants her plow ox to stay and bring a paycheck home and be her whipping

post. Yeah she's mad....mad as hell. Her putting you in the clink for a few days, might make you cave

and come back home......Right now, THAT is her though process. Right now...she wants you back.

When it becomes clear you aren't coming back home.....that's when she will go for blood in getting

everything she can in a D. If she could.....she'd have you sleeping in a cardboard box under the interstate.

Right now....she is pissed off at herself but is taking it out on you. You should know this.......

she has done that to you for the last 20 years.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

JL39775 said:


> I don’t know why my wife would file an order on me. The order my attorney put together have the same conditions for me and my spouse. We both have to behave. If she wants to pay her attorney for duplicate efforts then so be it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I can get you thread after thread of people, men and women, underestimating their spouses and getting steamrolled.

This isn’t about making your wife a monster, it is protecting you from the unknown. You do not know or understand what people might do, when their lives are threatened with uncontrolled life altering change.


It is basically all of us telling you to cover your ass.


----------



## Taxman

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I can get you thread after thread of people, men and women, underestimating their spouses and getting steamrolled. (or injured)
> 
> It is basically all of us telling you to cover your ass.


This^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^ & ^^^^^^^^^^This.

Do not let up on the gas. Protect yourself. Your wife is not AVERAGE in any way shape or form. If you have 10% veracity in any statement you made here, then I am very concerned for your welfare.


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## JL39775

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I can get you thread after thread of people, men and women, underestimating their spouses and getting steamrolled.
> 
> 
> 
> This isn’t about making your wife a monster, it is protecting you from the unknown. You do not know or understand what people might do, when their lives are threatened with uncontrolled life altering change.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It is basically all of us telling you to cover your ass.




I hear everyone loud and clear. Thanks, I have my guard up now after reading the last few posts. I will avoid her at all cost. I will have a VAR when I need to be physically near her. 

I really appreciate everyone’s advice. I’m a fish out of water and I’m so glad I found this group!


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## JL39775

My attorney called and is negotiated with my wife’s attorney on temporary orders. At the moment, I pay all her bills and give her an additional $2000 so the kids can be comfortable. I manage with what’s left over to pay my bills. Her attorney is asking me to pay another $500 per month and $5000 in my wife’s attorney fee. I told my attorney that I feel that I’m being very generous and my attorney agreed. I also mention that I saw that my wife paid her retainer on my credit card and I don’t understand why her attorney is asking me to pay her fees when I already did. My wife must have my credit card information because I have the physical card. I’m going to have to call my credit card company to stop all purchases. My attorney said I’m paying much more than the court would require and they could get it lowered. I said not to since I want my kids to be comfortable. Later in the day the legal assistant called me saying my wife’s attorney agreed to all of our requests and backed off. I assume they know my wife has it good and don’t want a judge ordering less than what she is receiving. 

My wife change the password to our joint account. I messaged her and said that I will stop paying her bills and redirect my whole direct deposit to my checking account. She sent me the new password within seconds.

I don’t own a business and I’m not filthy rich. The divorce can’t be too complicated and she hires the most expensive attorney. I told her that she deserves the best attorney in the world. But keep in mind, they will drag this out and I will pay your attorney fees. The attorney wins and you get less in the end because it goes her attorney. I told her what her attorney was requesting in the temporary orders negotiations and she said she didn’t ask for what her attorney was requesting. They don’t want me making any decision on behave of my daughter. I said no. My wife is allowing my daughter to miss school. She is one month in the new school year and has missed 10 days. She claims to be sick, but I see them running errands around 3 in the afternoon through the front yard security camera. It’s ridiculous that my daughter is behind in school. Now they are talking about home schooling so she can catch up. I honestly think my wife wants and encourages her to stay home so she’s not alone.

I so stressed. Acid reflux and anxiety is on and off. I’m eating good, running and lifting weights but the stress is getting to me at times. One day at a time...

Thanks for listening. Just wanted to keep you all posted.


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## Tilted 1

You are just to generous, JL Thanks for the update


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## phillybeffandswiss

JL39775 said:


> My attorney called and is negotiated with my wife’s attorney on temporary orders. At the moment, I pay all her bills and give her an additional $2000 so the kids can be comfortable. I manage with what’s left over to pay my bills. Her attorney is asking me to pay another $500 per month and $5000 in my wife’s attorney fee. I told my attorney that I feel that I’m being very generous and my attorney agreed. I also mention that I saw that my wife paid her retainer on my credit card and I don’t understand why her attorney is asking me to pay her fees when I already did. My wife must have my credit card information because I have the physical card. I’m going to have to call my credit card company to stop all purchases. My attorney said I’m paying much more than the court would require and they could get it lowered. I said not to since I want my kids to be comfortable. Later in the day the legal assistant called me saying my wife’s attorney agreed to all of our requests and backed off. I assume they know my wife has it good and don’t want a judge ordering less than what she is receiving.
> 
> My wife change the password to our joint account. I messaged her and said that I will stop paying her bills and redirect my whole direct deposit to my checking account. She sent me the new password within seconds.
> 
> I don’t own a business and I’m not filthy rich. The divorce can’t be too complicated and she hires the most expensive attorney. I told her that she deserves the best attorney in the world. But keep in mind, they will drag this out and I will pay your attorney fees. The attorney wins and you get less in the end because it goes her attorney. I told her what her attorney was requesting in the temporary orders negotiations and she said she didn’t ask for what her attorney was requesting. They don’t want me making any decision on behave of my daughter. I said no. My wife is allowing my daughter to miss school. She is one month in the new school year and has missed 10 days. She claims to be sick, but I see them running errands around 3 in the afternoon through the front yard security camera. It’s ridiculous that my daughter is behind in school. Now they are talking about home schooling so she can catch up. I honestly think my wife wants and encourages her to stay home so she’s not alone.
> 
> I so stressed. Acid reflux and anxiety is on and off. I’m eating good, running and lifting weights but the stress is getting to me at times. One day at a time...
> 
> Thanks for listening. Just wanted to keep you all posted.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


When you start struggling, please remember you chose to ignore your Lawyers advice. Sorry, there are children who live full lives and are COMFORTABLE on far less than what you are paying. You cannot buy their love. You can pay EVERYTHING and all she has to do is say “we can’t do this because of your father” and you are the bad guy.


Oh and I have bridge to sell you, online, if you believe your wife didn’t know what the attorney asked.

Quit trying to be the martyr and listen to your lawyer.


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## Nucking Futs

JL39775 said:


> My attorney called and is negotiated with my wife’s attorney on temporary orders. At the moment, I pay all her bills and give her an additional $2000 so the kids can be comfortable. I manage with what’s left over to pay my bills. Her attorney is asking me to pay another $500 per month and $5000 in my wife’s attorney fee. I told my attorney that I feel that I’m being very generous and my attorney agreed. I also mention that I saw that my wife paid her retainer on my credit card and I don’t understand why her attorney is asking me to pay her fees when I already did. My wife must have my credit card information because I have the physical card. I’m going to have to call my credit card company to stop all purchases. My attorney said I’m paying much more than the court would require and they could get it lowered. I said not to since I want my kids to be comfortable. Later in the day the legal assistant called me saying my wife’s attorney agreed to all of our requests and backed off. I assume they know my wife has it good and don’t want a judge ordering less than what she is receiving.
> 
> My wife change the password to our joint account. I messaged her and said that I will stop paying her bills and redirect my whole direct deposit to my checking account. She sent me the new password within seconds.
> 
> I don’t own a business and I’m not filthy rich. The divorce can’t be too complicated and she hires the most expensive attorney. I told her that she deserves the best attorney in the world. But keep in mind, they will drag this out and I will pay your attorney fees. The attorney wins and you get less in the end because it goes her attorney. I told her what her attorney was requesting in the temporary orders negotiations and she said she didn’t ask for what her attorney was requesting. They don’t want me making any decision on behave of my daughter. I said no. *My wife is allowing my daughter to miss school. She is one month in the new school year and has missed 10 days. She claims to be sick, but I see them running errands around 3 in the afternoon through the front yard security camera. It’s ridiculous that my daughter is behind in school.* Now they are talking about home schooling so she can catch up. I honestly think my wife wants and encourages her to stay home so she’s not alone.
> 
> I so stressed. Acid reflux and anxiety is on and off. I’m eating good, running and lifting weights but the stress is getting to me at times. One day at a time...
> 
> Thanks for listening. Just wanted to keep you all posted.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You know, if you were willing to play hardball you could make a good case that your wife is encouraging truancy and get weekday custody and let her have the weekends. That would allow you to ensure your kids are comfortable without breaking yourself in the process.


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## JL39775

Here a status of my situation. Seems like my attorney is slow. It’s approaching 2 months since I filed and I don’t have temporary orders. They asked for my financial information today. Maybe they are planning mediation soon after my 60 day waiting period is over. I can’t wait until I’m divorced. My wife is still texting me nonstop. I have to block her often. I went to my first counseling session. My therapy starts tomorrow. I hope it helps. 


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## Marc878

phillybeffandswiss said:


> When you start struggling, please remember you chose to ignore your Lawyers advice. Sorry, there are children who live full lives and are COMFORTABLE on far less than what you are paying. You cannot buy their love. You can pay EVERYTHING and all she has to do is say “we can’t do this because of your father” and you are the bad guy.
> 
> 
> Oh and I have bridge to sell you, online, if you believe your wife didn’t know what the attorney asked.
> 
> Quit trying to be the martyr and listen to your lawyer.


Yep, more than one Mr Nice Guy has gotten his head knocked off in these things. You won't be the first or last but I doubt you'll listen.

Being a martyr sounds great up front but when you have to live with it long term. Not so much.

Kids grow up go out on their own and you'll be left with what?


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## JL39775

Marc878 said:


> Yep, more than one Mr Nice Guy has gotten his head knocked off in these things. You won't be the first or last but I doubt you'll listen.
> 
> 
> 
> Being a martyr sounds great up front but when you have to live with it long term. Not so much.
> 
> 
> 
> Kids grow up go out on their own and you'll be left with what?




I will not be a martyr. I know I’m giving my wife more than I need to. We are technically still married and I’m the sole provider. That will only last until my divorce is final. I will fight to only give her what the court think is fair in the end. I’m living more comfortable than my wife is regardless of how generous I am. Once the divorce is final, I will financially be back on my feet almost immediately.

My kids tell me they are fine with the divorce. They witness first hand how my marriage was and they tell me they are relieved and expected a divorce a long time ago.

Today, my attorney is working on scheduling mediation mid-November. If we come to an agreement, I should be divorce a month or so after. 

I might be naive in being generous, but I don’t want the court to think I didn’t go out of my way to provide for my family during the divorce process.



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## Nucking Futs

JL39775 said:


> I will not be a martyr. I know I’m giving my wife more than I need to. We are technically still married and I’m the sole provider. That will only last until my divorce is final. I will fight to only give her what the court think is fair in the end. I’m living more comfortable than my wife is regardless of how generous I am. Once the divorce is final, I will financially be back on my feet almost immediately.
> 
> My kids tell me they are fine with the divorce. They witness first hand how my marriage was and they tell me they are relieved and expected a divorce a long time ago.
> 
> Today, my attorney is working on scheduling mediation mid-November. If we come to an agreement, I should be divorce a month or so after.
> 
> I might be naive in being generous, but I don’t want the court to think I didn’t go out of my way to provide for my family during the divorce process.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You should be paying the amount of support now that you intend to pay after the divorce is final. Don't walk into court and have a judge say "you've been paying x all this time, seems to be a good figure, we'll keep it there." Get with your lawyer to calculate what the support should be by the calculations used by the court and pay that.


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## Marc878

JL39775 said:


> I will not be a martyr. I know I’m giving my wife more than I need to. We are technically still married and I’m the sole provider. That will only last until my divorce is final. I will fight to only give her what the court think is fair in the end. I’m living more comfortable than my wife is regardless of how generous I am. Once the divorce is final, I will financially be back on my feet almost immediately.
> 
> My kids tell me they are fine with the divorce. They witness first hand how my marriage was and they tell me they are relieved and expected a divorce a long time ago.
> 
> Today, my attorney is working on scheduling mediation mid-November. If we come to an agreement, I should be divorce a month or so after.
> 
> I might be naive in being generous, but I don’t want the court to think I didn’t go out of my way to provide for my family during the divorce process.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I hope so for your sake but this upfront generosity can have an enabling effect.


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## Chuck71

Nucking Futs said:


> You should be paying the amount of support now that you intend to pay after the divorce is final. Don't walk into court and have a judge say "you've been paying x all this time, seems to be a good figure, we'll keep it there." Get with your lawyer to calculate what the support should be by the calculations used by the court and pay that.


This Patawan is under the manipulation spell.....much like Anakin in Star Wars III.

As soon as they say, "I'm in control, they lose control"

Courts take precedence often....hence your giving. You can't play hardball after the final score is shown.

You were held captive (by your choice) by an emotional vampire.... don't forget that


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## JL39775

Nucking Futs said:


> You should be paying the amount of support now that you intend to pay after the divorce is final. Don't walk into court and have a judge say "you've been paying x all this time, seems to be a good figure, we'll keep it there." Get with your lawyer to calculate what the support should be by the calculations used by the court and pay that.




Will do. I’m working with my attorney on the finally split. Realistically, we are looking at a 60/40 split since we’ve been married for 19 years and she’s a stay at home mom. I will pay $1,850 in child support per month and what we agree to for spousal support for a few years.


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## JL39775

It’s been a while since I posted the status of my divorce. Last week my soon to be ex wife and I went to mediation. After some negotiations, my final offer was to assume all debt, $1840 child support, $1000 spousal support for 36 months, half my upcoming bonus, half of unvested stocks that have been awarded and 55/45 split in assets. This comes close to a 60/40 split when all is said and done. After 4 hours of mediation, my wife said she didn’t want to sign the agreement. My lawyer, her lawyer and the mediator all agreed it was a good deal and the court will most likely not give her a better deal. The mediator told me she was emotional and wasn’t focused and didn’t understand what was going on. I was disappointed. So both lawyers decided to take a recess until after Thanksgiving and hope my wife changes her mind. My lawyer is ready to pounce on her. My wife hasn’t made an effort to look for a job, she refuse to settle in mediation and she is sending me nonstop harassing text messages even when her lawyer tells her to stop. My wife even admits in her text messages that she is not suppose to harass me but she can’t help it. I believe the harassment shows the emotional abuse she has put me through. In my opinion, she is digger herself in a deep hole. Maybe since she did not settle, the judge will give her much less than what I offered.

Wish me luck.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow, what a pain. I am sorry she is being so difficult.. I am not surprised, but I was hoping for your sake it wouldnt go down this way. I think you have a good chance that a judge would be much less generous than you have been trying to be. Hang in there, and make sure you keep all those harassing messages she sends you.


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## JL39775

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, what a pain. I am sorry she is being so difficult.. I am not surprised, but I was hoping for your sake it wouldnt go down this way. I think you have a good chance that a judge would be much less generous than you have been trying to be. Hang in there, and make sure you keep all those harassing messages she sends you.




Thank you


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## Thor

Good luck!

Trust your lawyer. If you've gotten as far as you can in mediation without success, take it to the judge.

My lawyer advised me to try hard to get a mediated settlement, because in reality most people end up settling even if they go to court. It is rare for a judge to impose something the parties haven't already agreed to. Basically, it isn't worth spending thousands of dollars on legal fees and all the emotional energy involved in going to court if you are already pretty close to agreeing. But your case may be one of those exceptions. I think the judge will see her for what she is. If your lawyer is saying you will probably do better in court than what you already offered her, you don't really have much risk by going to court.


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## Tron

JL39775 said:


> It’s been a while since I posted the status of my divorce. Last week my soon to be ex wife and I went to mediation. After some negotiations, my final offer was to assume all debt, $1840 child support, $1000 spousal support for 36 months, half my upcoming bonus, half of unvested stocks that have been awarded and 55/45 split in assets. This comes close to a 60/40 split when all is said and done. After 4 hours of mediation, my wife said she didn’t want to sign the agreement. My lawyer, her lawyer and the mediator all agreed it was a good deal and the court will most likely not give her a better deal. The mediator told me she was emotional and wasn’t focused and didn’t understand what was going on. I was disappointed. So both lawyers decided to take a recess until after Thanksgiving and hope my wife changes her mind. My lawyer is ready to pounce on her. My wife hasn’t made an effort to look for a job, she refuse to settle in mediation and she is sending me nonstop harassing text messages even when her lawyer tells her to stop. My wife even admits in her text messages that she is not suppose to harass me but she can’t help it. I believe the harassment shows the emotional abuse she has put me through. In my opinion, she is digger herself in a deep hole. Maybe since she did not settle, the judge will give her much less than what I offered.
> 
> Wish me luck.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I thought I read somewhere that you were in TX. Are you in Harris County?

And good luck!


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## Marduk

My advice is to make the status quo as painful for her as possible. Right now, it doesn't seem that she cares about money as much as she cares about hanging onto the ability to manipulate or hurt you while dragging everything out. Which is probably a pretty cozy pain-free existence for her.

So make it painful, while making the solution attractive and painless.


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## 20yr

JL39775 said:


> It’s been a while since I posted the status of my divorce. Last week my soon to be ex wife and I went to mediation. After some negotiations, my final offer was to assume all debt, $1840 child support, $1000 spousal support for 36 months, half my upcoming bonus, half of unvested stocks that have been awarded and 55/45 split in assets. This comes close to a 60/40 split when all is said and done. After 4 hours of mediation, my wife said she didn’t want to sign the agreement. My lawyer, her lawyer and the mediator all agreed it was a good deal and the court will most likely not give her a better deal. The mediator told me she was emotional and wasn’t focused and didn’t understand what was going on. I was disappointed. So both lawyers decided to take a recess until after Thanksgiving and hope my wife changes her mind. My lawyer is ready to pounce on her. My wife hasn’t made an effort to look for a job, she refuse to settle in mediation and she is sending me nonstop harassing text messages even when her lawyer tells her to stop. My wife even admits in her text messages that she is not suppose to harass me but she can’t help it. I believe the harassment shows the emotional abuse she has put me through. In my opinion, she is digger herself in a deep hole. Maybe since she did not settle, the judge will give her much less than what I offered.
> 
> Wish me luck.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good luck! 

My attorney has also advised that it is best to come up with a settlement that the judge basically rubber stamps. 

Do you have a pre-trial conference as a first step? In our state, when you go to the conference, if a reasonable settlement has been offered and one party is being unreasonable, the judge will really lean on them and make it clear that they might do worse if they push litigation. They definitely prefer to clear divorce cases off the docket and a vast majority end up in settlement.


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## nekonamida

JL39775 said:


> My wife hasn’t made an effort to look for a job, she refuse to settle in mediation and she is sending me nonstop harassing text messages even when her lawyer tells her to stop. My wife even admits in her text messages that she is not suppose to harass me but she can’t help it. I believe the harassment shows the emotional abuse she has put me through.


It absolutely does highlight the abuse. She's doing it because she's losing control of you. She successfully controlled you for years this way. Now that you're no longer doing what she wants you to, she's trying her hardest to do what has always worked up until now. She's making it as difficult as possible for you to get fully out from under her thumb in hopes that you give up and come back to her. DON'T GIVE IN.

You're doing a good job of seeing her for what she is. You're closer and closer to freedom every day. Keep it up!


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## JL39775

Tron said:


> I thought I read somewhere that you were in TX. Are you in Harris County?
> 
> 
> 
> And good luck!




I’m in Galveston County.


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## father_of_2

JL, what kind of custody agreement did you have in that proposed settlement? I'm in Texas as well and I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you.


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## JL39775

father_of_2 said:


> JL, what kind of custody agreement did you have in that proposed settlement? I'm in Texas as well and I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I agreed to see my daughter the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of every month. This start Fridays at 6pm through Sunday. My daughter is 15 and my son is 18. My soon to be ex let’s me see them anytime. We have no custody issues in the settlement. She wants more money and doesn’t want a divorce so she didn’t want to sign the agreement.


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## JL39775

Here’s the latest update and I’m pissed. I had a court hearing today. My ex’s attorney was seeking $9000 to cover my ex’s legal expense. Her attorney already burn through $7,500 and my attorney did most of the work because I filed. I was questioned about my income and not paying a credit card my ex maxed out. My attorney questioned her about her spending habits on extravagant items and if she was looking for a job. I knew the lazy b!tch wouldn’t look for a job. I thought my attorney did well but the judge ordered me to pay the ex’s attorney $6000 by Feb 3rd. I refuse to pay the credit card off so the ex doesn’t have access to money. Im already giving her 75% of my paychecks. I’m not closing the credit card account because I don’t want to be questioned about it if my case goes to trial. I mention to the court that she has been using my credit card unauthorized but it didn’t matter. After the hearing, my attorneys told me that the court will be harsh while temporary orders are in place and when a minor is involved and the ex has no job. This shouldn’t be the case if we go to trial. At this point, I’m so pissed, that I want to drag this out so the ex runs out of money and her attorney has to go to court again to request more money. I’m not sure if the court will see that her attorney is just filling his pockets. Funny how I’m starting to think irrational since this divorce is dragging on. I feel no matter how much money her attorney asks for it will be a 50/50 split in assets, child support and some spousal support. in the end we will spend so much money after I gave her a good deal at mediation (60/40 split, child/spousal support and I pay all legal fees). I now want to fight back and make her feel like her attorney is exploiting her. What a big waste. I’m never getting married again!


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> Here’s the latest update and I’m pissed. I had a court hearing today. My ex’s attorney was seeking $9000 to cover my ex’s legal expense. Her attorney already burn through $7,500 and my attorney did most of the work because I filed. I was questioned about my income and not paying a credit card my ex maxed out. My attorney questioned her about her spending habits on extravagant items and if she was looking for a job. I knew the lazy b!tch wouldn’t look for a job. I thought my attorney did well but the judge ordered me to pay the ex’s attorney $6000 by Feb 3rd. I refuse to pay the credit card off so the ex doesn’t have access to money. Im already giving her 75% of my paychecks. I’m not closing the credit card account because I don’t want to be questioned about it if my case goes to trial. I mention to the court that she has been using my credit card unauthorized but it didn’t matter. After the hearing, my attorneys told me that the court will be harsh while temporary orders are in place and when a minor is involved and the ex has no job. This shouldn’t be the case if we go to trial. At this point, I’m so pissed, that I want to drag this out so the ex runs out of money and her attorney has to go to court again to request more money. I’m not sure if the court will see that her attorney is just filling his pockets. Funny how I’m starting to think irrational since this divorce is dragging on. I feel no matter how much money her attorney asks for it will be a 50/50 split in assets, child support and some spousal support. in the end we will spend so much money after I gave her a good deal at mediation (60/40 split, child/spousal support and I pay all legal fees). I now want to fight back and make her feel like her attorney is exploiting her. What a big waste. I’m never getting married again!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The courts are slanted. Not as much as 20 years ago but still slanted. When you're faced with

a SAHM with minor child, you will get hosed every time. As long as she is getting spousal support,

she has no intention of even seeking work. With SS and CS she will be sitting pretty. Her biggest fear

is how fast she can snag the next guy or what lavish trip to go on. 

I would have your lawyer mention to her, the longer this is drawn out, the less you will get

in the end. How bad is she brow beating you to the kids? Is she still wanting to use the kids

to get you to stop the D? Can't you cancel that CC she is using? If not call them up and drop

the credit limit to $500. If it's over that, which I'm sure it is, freeze it. Hell you can't pay for crap

with $ you don't have. She is out for everything because you refused to continue to take her abuse.

Now she's having to "own" it and wants all your $$ for a soft pillow landing.

She doesn't hate you, she doesn't hate the kids. She actually....hates herself.


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## Openminded

Maybe she thinks the more difficult she makes it, the greater the possibility you’ll give up and not divorce her. 

This is very likely going to be a battle so get ready. Eventually it’ll be over and you’ll be free but the process of getting there is going to be tough.


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## JL39775

I’m feel like I’m stuck with no progress with my divorce. I told my attorney to move forward with going to trial since my ex doesn’t want to sign the mediation agreement. Has anyone successful convinced their ex to settle? If so, how did you do it?


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## Chuck71

JL39775 said:


> I’m feel like I’m stuck with no progress with my divorce. I told my attorney to move forward with going to trial since my ex doesn’t want to sign the mediation agreement. Has anyone successful convinced their ex to settle? If so, how did you do it?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Best I recall you gave her more than a fair offer. You may get a judge that scoffs at her wanting everything

and split everything down the middle and order less CS and SS. It's semi-rare but I've heard it played out

here.


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## JL39775

I finally have a trial date set for April 29th. I hope the judge takes it easy on me. So far, I’ve paid over $21,000 in legal fees for my legal fees and my soon to be ex’s legal fee. Last month, I was order to pay her attorney $6000 since her retainer was depleted. Two weeks ago the water main broke at the house and she had a tire blow out. I paid to replace the whole water main and get new tires. I hope the judge sees that I’m not leaving her out to dry. I just received a bonus and I paid down the legal fees that were on my credit cards and gave my ex half of the remaining. My ex is complaining that she should get half of the total bonus and I pay the debt myself. I’m on a very tight budget and the monthly credit card payment hurts. I believe the debt is community debt. We are still married and both responsible for the debt. She told me that her attorney with contact my attorney about that fact that I paid off my debts. I don’t know if I should worry. In my opinion, I’m being responsible by paying the bills. I’m paying her what the temporary order states. There is no mention of what I should do with extra money coming in. Should I be worried?

She is still constantly harassing via text and voicemail. I never response and it drives her insane. I’m so glad I got out of the situation. I can’t remember the last time my stress level was this low. Every tells my how calm I e been lately. I’m almost free!


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## 3Xnocharm

You can block her on your phone and advise her to email only, or better yet, only communicate through your attorneys. You could also file a cease and desist against her constant harassment.


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## Chuck71

No shock in her actions. When a control freak loses control, they spin out. I think your youngest is old enough

to contact you without going through her. She doesn't want to D you. She has partially accepted fact

you are going to D her but she wants you to be her de facto H for as long as possible.

You gave her a more than fair deal. Now she wants to hurt you the only way she can. Be thankful you don't

have a handful of kids under 10-12.


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## JL39775

Court date is April 29th and the court is closed due to social distancing. Seems like my nightmare will never end.


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## 3Xnocharm

JL39775 said:


> Court date is April 29th and the court is closed due to social distancing. Seems like my nightmare will never end.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So how is that going to work? Will it be rescheduled? This sucks for you, I’m so sorry...


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## Tilted 1

What does your lawyer say? Is it in effect until the court returns?


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## JL39775

Attorney said the trial will be rescheduled when the courts open. I’m sure there will be a big backlog of cases. Hopefully, I won’t have to wait too long. If my divorce doesn’t happen before Sept. 29th then I might have to pay more spousal support since that will be the day of our twentieth anniversary. Spousal support is longer in Texas after 20 years of marriage.


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## RebuildingMe

JL39775 said:


> Attorney said the trial will be rescheduled when the courts open. I’m sure there will be a big backlog of cases. Hopefully, I won’t have to wait too long. If my divorce doesn’t happen before Sept. 29th then I might have to pay more spousal support since that will be the day of our twentieth anniversary. Spousal support is longer in Texas after 20 years of marriage.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I’m sorry I am going through the same thing with the courts in NY closed and likely won’t op for a long, long time. Check with your attorney on that 20 years and alimony. I am under the impression the clock stops ticking upon the commencement of the divorce suit.


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## JL39775

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m sorry I am going through the same thing with the courts in NY closed and likely won’t op for a long, long time. Check with your attorney on that 20 years and alimony. I am under the impression the clock stops ticking upon the commencement of the divorce suit.


I’ll ask. I hope the clock stopped ticking when I filed.


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## MattMatt

@JL39775 Using your card without authorisation? Could you change your PIN? Report her to the credit card company? Their fraud department might like to take a look.


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## JL39775

I’m still married and getting frustrated. I have a court hearing on June 1st. She going after half my bonus. I used the bonus to pay off our credit card bills for all the legal fees. I took the remaining amount and gave her half. She wants half of the bonus before paying the debt. I have everything documented and forward it to my attorney. I’m hoping we don’t have to go to the hearing. I’m over $22,000 in this divorce and don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was having a hard time coping for 8 months but I feel good now and believe I’m healed. I’m ready to move forward with my life. My ex must be hurting a lot because she is still relentless in harassing me and giving me the guilt trip. All I do is ignore her attempts to talk to me. Courts open then week and I’m going to ask my attorney to be aggressive and schedule the divorce trail since there is no chance of settling. 


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## jlg07

Let your Attorney figure it out with the bonus/debts payed off, etc.. As for her trying to guilt trip you -- just tell her that all communications need to go through your attorney.
Great that you are feeling better yourself. Keep that up, keep close to your kids, etc..


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## Chuck71

She hates herself, has for awhile. She projects it upon you. What flies her up a wall is you give that no thought. A-1 job!

She will not be able to go after the entire, your paper trail will see to that. What are some things you have been doing

to improve yourself for the future?


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## JL39775

Chuck71 said:


> She hates herself, has for awhile. She projects it upon you. What flies her up a wall is you give that no thought. A-1 job!
> 
> She will not be able to go after the entire, your paper trail will see to that. What are some things you have been doing
> 
> to improve yourself for the future?


I’m meeting new people and working on myself


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## JL39775

Here’s an update on my court hearing regarding my bonus.

I had a meeting with my attorney and gave her all the documentation regarding where my bonus went before I gave my ex the remaining half. I asked if there is a good chance if we go to trial that the judge would split the assets 50/50. She said most likely my ex would get a little more. If there was cheating or abuse then she would get a lot more. I told my attorney that she mentally abused me and physically hit me. I have several witnesses that seen her hit me. I gave my attorney every text message that was sent to me during the separation and it was a stack of paper 4 inches thick printed front and back. She sent my ex’s attorney a random sample of 34 text messages over a 24 hour period from last month. Also, my attorney is amended my pleadings to include the grounds of cruel treatment. I’m assuming my ex got in a lot of trouble from her attorney because they passed on the court hearing to get more money and all harassing text messages and phone calls have come to a complete stop. For the first time in 20 plus years I have heard from my ex. Feels pretty good. I’m still waiting for a trail date but I’m hope my ex settles soon since I feel I have leverage now that we amended my pleading and have witnesses to my abuse.


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## wilson

JL39775 said:


> She sent my ex’s attorney a random sample of 34 text messages over a 24 hour period from last month. Also, my attorney is amended my pleadings to include the grounds of cruel treatment. I’m assuming my ex got in a lot of trouble from her attorney because they passed on the court hearing to get more money and all harassing text messages and phone calls have come to a complete stop.


LOL! I bet her attorney was like "WTF are you doing!?! Knock that crap off right now!" I'm sure it was no fun getting harassed by her, but at least you get some benefit from it.


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## JL39775

I got my trial date. Hopefully, I’ll be divorced on Sept. 17th. I had a option to go to trial on Sept. 29th which is our anniversary. I rather get it over with than be mean.


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## JL39775

45 days and counting until trial...


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## Chuck71

You see the finish line............. How are you feeling?


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## JL39775

Chuck71 said:


> You see the finish line............. How are you feeling?


I feel that it will not come soon enough. I’m ready to get on with my life. At the moment, I’m excited but everyone tells me once I’m divorced, I’ll be emotional.


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## Chuck71

It will...........to a degree. You will mourn and shed what you once had / thought about her years ago.

They say true love never dies....in a way it is true. I look back upon my XW and our first five years,

still.....in amazement and awe. But things changed.... her bandages started to come off. When you see them for who the are.....

Short term....my picker was perfect. Long term....not so good. But that's called life. You got kids from the M

who sound wonderful. Yes you were cursed with a spiteful W but you receive great children.


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## JL39775

What a nightmare. My trial date is scheduled for Sept. 17th. Today my attorney sent me an email stating that Opposing counsel has file a Motion for Continuance for September 22, 2020 at 1:30 p.m. They say they don’t have all the information I provided in the discovery. I sent and update on my assets today. I don’t know how they can drag this on. Now my wife is causing trouble with my daughter. Last week she wanted to move in with me and my son. My W chased me, my son and now my daughter away. However, today my daughter changed her mind. It’s been more than a year and this free loader W is pissing me off.

She want the house mortgage free and I willing to do that. That should help her with monthly expenses since she doesn’t work. I instructed my attorney to give a 50/50 offer. My W gets the equity of the house and I get to preserve more of my retirement. She can have her paid off SUV and all the furniture on top of the split. If they refuse then I want a trial and we sell the house and split the profits. She doesn’t want to sell the house and I hope to use it as leverage. 

I’m so sick of this.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hoping for the best possible outcome for you and that it all wraps up soon!


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## Chuck71

Always remember..... patience wins many wars.....when you know the opponent is near folding.

Firm negotiation and firm boundaries will hasten this


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## JL39775

It’s getting worse. Last week I gave my attorney updated financial information with current balance to avoid a continuance hearing. The paralegal put it on her desk but she has been out for emergency surgery. She will be out all week and trial is next Thursday. The continuance hearing is the week after. I’m not sure how opposing counsel can ask for more time at the hearing when the trial date comes first. I looked on the docket and my bench trial has not been canceled. The paralegal can’t get ahold of my attorney and I’m stressed my trial will get canceled for the second time. Opposing counsel doesn’t not have the updated financial information and I hope the motion for continuance is not granted before the trial date. I feel so close but far away. It’s been 13 months since I filed and I want this to be over. I know divorce is expensive, but damn, I had no clue it was going to be this expensive and exhausting. Thanks for hearing me vent.


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## jlg07

Hey JL, take a deep breathe, and chill. It will take as long as it takes -- this stuff is out of your control, so don't stress about it. Worry about things you CAN control. You will look back on this a few years from now and not really care how long it took. Keep up your patience -- take your frustrations and anger out on something -- play drums, chop wood, punch a bag, etc.. This too shall pass.


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## JL39775

jlg07 said:


> Hey JL, take a deep breathe, and chill. It will take as long as it takes -- this stuff is out of your control, so don't stress about it. Worry about things you CAN control. You will look back on this a few years from now and not really care how long it took. Keep up your patience -- take your frustrations and anger out on something -- play drums, chop wood, punch a bag, etc.. This too shall pass.


Thanks, I appreciate your comments! I’m good now. Every time I get bad news about the progress of my divorce I get a little frustrated. It is what it is and I get over it after I vent.


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## JL39775

16 days from my third trial attempt and I find out my attorney quit the firm. It’s keeps getting worse.


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## 3Xnocharm

JL39775 said:


> 16 days from my third trial attempt and I find out my attorney quit the firm. It’s keeps getting worse.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What the hell?? Ugh! Now what happens?


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## jlg07

JL39775 said:


> 16 days from my third trial attempt and I find out my attorney quit the firm. It’s keeps getting worse.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So, doesn't that firm have someone to cover your attorney's cases? I know it's not ideal, but maybe the new person you get will be more on your side and more aggressive to get this done.
It's always something in life...


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## JL39775

jlg07 said:


> So, doesn't that firm have someone to cover your attorney's cases? I know it's not ideal, but maybe the new person you get will be more on your side and more aggressive to get this done.
> It's always something in life...


Yes, they have a more experienced attorney taking my case. I have no rapport with the new attorney and I’m assuming she doesn’t know the complete history of my case. I’m worried I’m going to lose a lot in court. I’m sure her rates are much higher. 


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## jlg07

JL39775 said:


> Yes, they have a more experienced attorney taking my case. I have no rapport with the new attorney and I’m assuming she doesn’t know the complete history of my case. I’m worried I’m going to lose a lot in court. I’m sure her rates are much higher.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sounds like you need to meet with the new attorney to get her up to speed QUICK so that you DON'T lose in court! Make sure you get that across to her....


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## JL39775

jlg07 said:


> Sounds like you need to meet with the new attorney to get her up to speed QUICK so that you DON'T lose in court! Make sure you get that across to her....


I met my new attorney yesterday. She sprung into action and sent an offer to opposing counsel. I hope they accept it. My new attorney is known to be tough. I hope opposing counsel backs off. My previous attorney was a push over. They say you get what you pay for. If we go to trial in two weeks it’s going to be expensive.


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## Kamstel2

Good for you!!
Stay strong!!
and continue to walk straight out of the hell she put you in.


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## Chuck71

Always darkest before the dawn..... You will survive AND thrive.

The lizard shed her skin.... reality does that.

My journey was about 8 years ago. Your life will improve immensely.


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## Kamstel2

How are YOU doing?
Are you going to trial?

hope you are doing well.
Good luck, stay strong, and keep walking straight out of the hell she put you in!


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## JL39775

Trial is today at 1:30 pm. Opposing Counsel is requesting another motion for continuance. If approved this will be the third trial date cancelled. My new attorney and I are scrambling to settle. Our final offer is child support, $1000 per month spousal support for 24 months, she gets the house (all the equity), 45% of my retirement and her paid off car. Wish me luck. I want this nightmare to be over.


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## jlg07

Best of luck -- can't your lawyer make the case that this has been on Continuance forever? At SOME point I would guess the judge has to say sh*t or get off the pot, no?
In any event, best of luck. Sounds like she is getting a pretty good deal. I hope YOU are covered.


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## Openminded

Hope all goes well for you.


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## JL39775

It’s finally over. We had a Rule 11 hearing that sets the settlement in stone. I believe I’m a good negotiator. However, the settlement negotiation was brutal. I was so stressed for two days because my ex was making ridiculous counteroffers. Overall, she will get 53% of assets which includes spousal support for 2 years and 50% of unvested stock options for 4 years. Only catch is we will remain married until the first week of January so she has health insurance for the remainer of the year. The judge will sign the divorce decree January 4th. The Rule 11 is recorded with the court and the temporary orders have been terminated. There is no backing out and the settlement stands effective immediately. If I win the lotto tonight, I get to keep it all. I don’t feel different and didn’t celebrate last night like I thought I would.

I’m moving to Midtown Houston in a few weeks to be close to work and all the excitement Houston has to offer. I’m so excited to start my new life.

I want to thank everyone for the advice and encouragement. This board definitely helped me cope with my divorce.


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## Tron

Always lots going on in Midtown.

I've had a few friends move there after their D. Cool for a couple of years, but as soon as they meet someone, they head back out to the burbs where their kids are.

Good luck!


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## 3Xnocharm

Happy for you to finally have a resolution!


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## Blondilocks

So, how is your crazy ex holding up? Who is she going control freak on, now?


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## JL39775

Blondilocks said:


> So, how is your crazy ex holding up? Who is she going control freak on, now?


I’m sure she is devastated. We worked together to switch some bills in her name today and to my surprise she was polite. Maybe now that the marriage is over she can be nice. I doubt it lol.


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## JL39775

Tron said:


> Always lots going on in Midtown.
> 
> I've had a few friends move there after their D. Cool for a couple of years, but as soon as they meet someone, they head back out to the burbs where their kids are.
> 
> Good luck!


I think the furthest I will move out is the Heights. I guess I’ll become an inner loop snob lol. I hate the 14 years I commuted from League City to downtown. If I meet someone, I will make sure they know I’m not moving far from downtown. They can take it or leave it...


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## Openminded

Enjoy your new life!


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## Chuck71

It's finally over. How are the kids holding up? How are you holding up?

Well........she won. But what exactly did...she win. Material things.

She is a miserable person.....no one wants to be around her.....even she doesn't.

I predict she will blow through the money...seeking something all the money in the world,

can't buy. Then reality will smack her in the face.....many many years too late.


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## Evinrude58

Glad you have some closure. Doesn’t seem like a fair deal but whatever. At least you can enjoy your life now.


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