# My ex is marrying someone only after a month of knowing him and after we separated



## Ltdan459

Ok some of you know me please don't smawitch my threads together. This one needs to be uts own.

I was with this girl for 8 years and have 3 kids with her together. About almost 3 years ago she cheated and left me for some guy named Bernie . That guy ended up leaving her for his ex wife he also could not put up with my ex too. They broke up 10 times in 2 years. How do I know? My ex and him would come to me with the issues they had with eachother yea weird.

After she jumped into a nether relationship with some guy named Sergio. Again he couldn't out up with her. After that 2nd guy she sucked me back in and we were FWB except it became more then just that. That lasted 10 months I couldn't put up with her and I finally found out why. She is a narccisist. I look back on all the abuse physical, emotional, mental, and verbal, the liying, cheating ,and so on I endured with her that's when after 11 years of knowing her I found out and learned she was a narcissist. 

So after I "discarded" her she jumps into a new relationship a week after with a guy named Julio 27 year old at her Job that I just got her (yea I got her a fing job). 

After only knowing eachother for 2 weeks he leaves a voice message on her phone saying at the end that he loves her. (Don't ask how I know I just know). I was at first depressed, sad and confused. I was also like this guy loves boddy building and all about gym life. What guy like him with no kids single get with a 24 year old single mother of 3?

Then that's when I found out she was a narccisist and looked at it and said in my mind. Julio good luck buddy. So I stop giving 2 cents about her. 

Well after a month of knowing this guy and yes they did not know eachother before that. She brings him around our 3 kids. Right off the bat she told our kids ages 7,5,and 3 that this guy is her new BF. And on top on the first day she leaves our kids alone with him. You know what he told my 5 year old daughter. I'm going to marry you mommy and be your new daddy. You can see how big of a red flag all of this is. My daughter told me she dosnt like him,she felt sad, she felt uncontible, she felt mommy was giving her love and attention to her new BF my other kids said the same thing.

So I sent my ex an email in an adult professional way in regards of our children's and my concerns and feelings. My exes response it my life I will do as I wish. Yea that's what she said she didn't care nore has she really cared for our children meaning they are last in line her relationship and her are first. Anyway I tried to explain to my children in an adult father way with out bashing their mother on the situation. See my kids already and have for the past year detached from their mother because of her actions. 

So again last week my ex shows off her ring while her new BF is there to my kids and basicly tells them her and Julio are geting married.
So again I have to help my children cope with it.

Bernie also told my ex he was going to marry her after a month he was all talk thoe. My ex brought Bernie around our kids after a month but it was always her friend latter the kids cought on. Bernie well always said to me that I'm their father not him. I also found out by him my ex kept pushing him to be around the kids when he really didn't want to.

So my few questions are as stated.

What the hell is going on with my ex?
What person marries after a month?
Why do Narcacist do all of this as I described? 
How can I help our kids cope with this?
This all of this is not going to end well is it?
This guy has to have red flags all over him or is it me?
Is this guy a narssist too?


----------



## SunCMars

Yes, she sounds selfish.
Yes, life is all about her.

What is all about her will end with her when she gets old.
Later, when she is older.
Not likely.

She can still attract semi-ok men now. She is young.

Why would he be a Narcissist?

He likes your ex, wants to marry her. That does not make him a Narcissist.
It may make him a big fool. I would think so. Your ex is not likely to improve her ways or her personality.

This ex of yours will be straightened out by Father Time.
Her dark days are coming.

Keep an eye out for your children. You never know who some people really are.
Especially, how they act around young children. Children that are not 'theirs'.


----------



## BluesPower

This is an easy one...

Your Ex is completely nuts. Bat S*** crazy. 

What you need to do is document, take notes, about everything that you have seen with her. The emails and everything else. 

Then try to get full custody of your kids. That is really the only thing you can try to do.


----------



## MovingForward

Just document everything but there is very little you can do other than be the best dad you can be on your time with the kids. Do not badmouth her or her 'fiance' just love and support the kids and try and get on with your own life.

I had a similar situation as my XW had an affair and almost immediately moved the kids in with him, once I realized i had no power I just had to suck it up and concentrate on myself and my relationship with the kids.


----------



## Cynthia

All of your wonderings about her are not helping you. It is all speculation anyway. 

The best way to deal with a narcissist is grey rock. Look it up and follow it.

As far as the children go, I recommend reading some books on how to help your children when their mother is a narcissist. They also need to know how to be aware of their bodies and what is and is not an appropriate touch. Read up on preventing molestation. I'm not trying to scare you, but it is important that children understand they can say no and that if anyone threatens them if they tell their parent that is code for immediately tell Dad. This is important for your children.

In the mean time, as already suggested, keep a journal and write everything down that concerns you. Include dates and times.

I wouldn't try to get full custody right away. Live frugally. Save your money and be prepared to deal with this when you are able.

Keep focused on your children. They obviously feel comfortable talking to you about what is going on in their lives. Keep the lines of communication open with them and let them know they can tell you absolutely anything, especially if they are afraid.


----------



## Ynot

Whogivesa****! Be glad she is now some one else's problem!


----------



## rgol

Dude. I get it. I was married to a covert-narcissist for 22 years, 25 total. Here is the deal...It does not matter whether he is one or not. Narcissists, like your ex-wife, only think of themselves. They are about image mgt. (Showing off her ring), parading the new guy around, etc. and attention seeking. She will manipulate anyone and everyone (e.g. You, your kids, etc.) without any care of how it effects them because it is all about her.

I am afraid that since you procreated with this person, you are stuck dealing with her craziness until your youngest is over 18 and out the door. I read both books below that will help you deal with a Narcissist. Also, check out Chump Lady's website. Her book is very good and her site has good tips on dealing with someone like your ex.

Rob


Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretak...44222018X/ref=mt_hardcover?_encoding=UTF8&me=


Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide (www.chumplady.com)
https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheate...TF8&qid=1529355076&sr=1-1&keywords=chump+lady


----------



## Ltdan459

Update after a week this thread was posted 

My ex left our daughter alone for 8 hours with her new BF.

So I get word from my oldest Daughter since she is out of school my ex had no one to watch her on her day while she had to go to work. So what dose she do. She leaves her with her new BF she only known for a month at his resistance. My daughter said they were in (HIS ROOM PLAYING MINECRAFT) HIS ****ING ROOM ALONE WITH OUR DAUGHTER. WTF is wrong with my ex? Dose she think or care about their safety? So I tried to talk to her about it and tell her this is not ok mabye after what 6 or 9 months knowing him bring him around the kids not left alone with him but a ****ing month and you already leave him alone with our kids after this guy a week before told our kids he was going to marry you and be their new daddy on the first day he met them after only knowing you for a month. Anyway my ex said it's her life she can do as she pleased and blamed me again. Like woman I have a Job I work during the day just like you. I had to find a job and babysitter (Family) that works with our 50/50 cousdoty. Yea she blamed me for all of this it's my fault because I couldn't watch them on her days. I would if she hadn't used me in the past and ended up abandoning them on me while still collecting child support. Anyway I finally text this new guy to express my concerns and let him know my role and his role with me and my exes kids. I also told him if he hurts my kids I will take legal action. He said he understands and that he will (Protect the kids) bro that's my ****ing job. Then he went on how my ex dose not love me and that she is all hers. I said I don't care you put up with a cheater since I and the last 4 guys couldn't put up with her I'm just talking about my kids. He then continues to say my ex is all his and calls me pathetic and I have no ambition in life basicly I'm a low life. Bro you don't know me lol. 

On top of this So now my ex is having me deal with her new boy friend when it comes to co parenting with her. He is basicly calling the shots how things will happen,going to be and what I am to do in regards with our kids. Bro stay the **** out of me and my exes business. He is trying to act like he is the father going so far as watching our daughter alone at his place.


----------



## Marc878

You don't get it. Her time is hers. You can't control it or do a thing.

Better wake up. This is who she is.


----------



## honcho

Ltdan459 said:


> Update after a week this thread was posted
> 
> My ex left our daughter alone for 8 hours with her new BF.
> 
> So I get word from my oldest Daughter since she is out of school my ex had no one to watch her on her day while she had to go to work. So what dose she do. She leaves her with her new BF she only known for a month at his resistance. My daughter said they were in (HIS ROOM PLAYING MINECRAFT) HIS ****ING ROOM ALONE WITH OUR DAUGHTER. WTF is wrong with my ex? Dose she think or care about their safety? So I tried to talk to her about it and tell her this is not ok mabye after what 6 or 9 months knowing him bring him around the kids not left alone with him but a ****ing month and you already leave him alone with our kids after this guy a week before told our kids he was going to marry you and be their new daddy on the first day he met them after only knowing you for a month. Anyway my ex said it's her life she can do as she pleased and blamed me again. Like woman I have a Job I work during the day just like you. I had to find a job and babysitter (Family) that works with our 50/50 cousdoty. Yea she blamed me for all of this it's my fault because I couldn't watch them on her days. I would if she hadn't used me in the past and ended up abandoning them on me while still collecting child support. Anyway I finally text this new guy to express my concerns and let him know my role and his role with me and my exes kids. I also told him if he hurts my kids I will take legal action. He said he understands and that he will (Protect the kids) bro that's my ****ing job. Then he went on how my ex dose not love me and that she is all hers. I said I don't care you put up with a cheater since I and the last 4 guys couldn't put up with her I'm just talking about my kids. He then continues to say my ex is all his and calls me pathetic and I have no ambition in life basicly I'm a low life. Bro you don't know me lol.
> 
> On top of this So now my ex is having me deal with her new boy friend when it comes to co parenting with her. He is basicly calling the shots how things will happen,going to be and what I am to do in regards with our kids. Bro stay the **** out of me and my exes business. He is trying to act like he is the father going so far as watching our daughter alone at his place.


At this point your looking for excuses and reason's to contact her and suck yourself back into this drama. She follows a repeated pattern, you respond in a repeated pattern and nothing changes and both of you feed of this dysfunction. You can't stop her from making her choices.


----------



## ReformedHubby

CynthiaDe said:


> The best way to deal with a narcissist is grey rock. Look it up and follow it.


Wow....just looked up the grey rock method of dealing with a narcissist. Really good stuff. OP....definitely follow it. You can't block her out of your life completely because she is your co-parent, but this will work, and it will work well.

_*Added later*_
Whoa....I just read your other threads, yeah...people throw around the term narcissist a lot around here....but I actually think she truly is one. A lot makes sense. Even the guys rapidly falling for her. I think some men including myself can be lured by, and can easily get addicted to the drama surrounding a narcissist. You need to move on as much as you can. She will always be around, but you have to remove yourself from her web. If you don't you'll always be miserable.


----------



## Cynthia

Read up on how to teach children to prevent child molestation. It's often not difficult. If someone with evil intent is going to hurt a child, they look for a vulnerable child who they can manipulate and control. They are unlikely to choose a child who they know won't keep his mouth shut, but will definitely tell an adult. They also are unlikely to choose someone that make it difficult for them in other ways. Teach your kids how to be the one who looks like a whole lot of trouble to someone that may have evil intent.

Some kids are simply easier to molest. It's not the kid's fault. Children can be taught how to not be a good mark for a child molester. I remember as a child that one of my friends was worried about her step father. I spoke to my mother about it and my mom gave me info to give my friend. My friend followed the advice and although her step father did try, she was armed with information and she scared him off by letting him know in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going to get away with anything. She also installed a locking knob on her bedroom door. Years later she found out that he had molested her sister for years who was in the bedroom next to her, but she was never harmed due to being aware and able to stand up for herself.

While I can see that you would be angry that a man had your child on his bed playing video games and I think that is an unfortunate choice on his part, he's probably just extremely immature and doesn't understand how foolish that is. As far as his comments about you, remember he is getting this information from your ex and she is trying to make herself out to be a victim and you a perpetrator. He has no clue what she is about. She's got him fooled.

Teach your children not to go into the bedrooms of anyone other than MAYBE their friends. And never to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable or unsafe. They can sit in the living room and read. You can put together backpacks for the kids that have activities to keep them busy. Craft kits, books, play dough, games, etc. Then they will be occupied and happy while they are in a weird situation.


----------



## Affaircare

Here are two good Gray Rock links:

https://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/


----------



## arbitrator

*You need to be in a lawyer's office doing an exploratory on child custody! 

I think that she's proven herself too unstable to look after them!*


----------



## BluesPower

Ltdan459 said:


> Update after a week this thread was posted
> 
> My ex left our daughter alone for 8 hours with her new BF.
> 
> So I get word from my oldest Daughter since she is out of school my ex had no one to watch her on her day while she had to go to work. So what dose she do. She leaves her with her new BF she only known for a month at his resistance. My daughter said they were in (HIS ROOM PLAYING MINECRAFT) HIS ****ING ROOM ALONE WITH OUR DAUGHTER. WTF is wrong with my ex? Dose she think or care about their safety? So I tried to talk to her about it and tell her this is not ok mabye after what 6 or 9 months knowing him bring him around the kids not left alone with him but a ****ing month and you already leave him alone with our kids after this guy a week before told our kids he was going to marry you and be their new daddy on the first day he met them after only knowing you for a month. Anyway my ex said it's her life she can do as she pleased and blamed me again. Like woman I have a Job I work during the day just like you. I had to find a job and babysitter (Family) that works with our 50/50 cousdoty. Yea she blamed me for all of this it's my fault because I couldn't watch them on her days. I would if she hadn't used me in the past and ended up abandoning them on me while still collecting child support. Anyway I finally text this new guy to express my concerns and let him know my role and his role with me and my exes kids. I also told him if he hurts my kids I will take legal action. He said he understands and that he will (Protect the kids) bro that's my ****ing job. Then he went on how my ex dose not love me and that she is all hers. I said I don't care you put up with a cheater since I and the last 4 guys couldn't put up with her I'm just talking about my kids. He then continues to say my ex is all his and calls me pathetic and I have no ambition in life basicly I'm a low life. Bro you don't know me lol.
> 
> On top of this So now my ex is having me deal with her new boy friend when it comes to co parenting with her. He is basicly calling the shots how things will happen,going to be and what I am to do in regards with our kids. Bro stay the **** out of me and my exes business. He is trying to act like he is the father going so far as watching our daughter alone at his place.


Listen, I just told an ex a little piece of advice that might help you, maybe. 

If you cannot control it, don't worry about it. 

If she is actually endangering the children, the take her to court. Don't have the money, the make more money and take her to court. 

You whining about all of this is doing you no good. You now know what you married, you know what, that is your fault. 

You have spun your wheels and wasted energy for years with this woman, for gods sake let it go. 

If the kids are "actually" in danger, stop whining and do something about it. 

And don't get married again, you don't know how to pick woman. (Not that a lot of us do though.)


----------



## MZMEE

People handle divorce differently. Some people will jump into another relationship quickly but it ends up being a rebound if they are not emotionally sound. Some people find it very hard to leave the normalcy and routine of married life and go back to being single so the first guy that comes and ask marriage, they go for it.

I really wouldn't care what she did on that end of things. What I do care about is there are kids involved. This kind of behavior is not good for kids. You have to ease them into a new relationship because all they see is mommy and daddy and they don't process "the new guy" and the "new relationship" like adults. That was a very selfish move on her part.

I met a guy not too long after me and my husband divorced because truth be told I was emotionally divorced before I we actually divorced so it was easy to open my heart again. BUT...I told the new guy I would not marry him until my daughter graduated (which at that time was a year) because I didn't want to bring a stepfather into her life. he respected my wishes and we waited.

People can find love as fast or as slow as they let their heart allow. it's nothing narcissistic. it's all in how you process loss. Some people remain divorced and bitter and hurt for years and miss out on love.

Again the biggest issue here is how she handled finding "love" as it relates to the kids. THAT WAS DEAD WRONG.

Good luck.


----------

