# need advice...so confused



## Isis71 (Mar 5, 2010)

Three months ago, out of the blueHe says he thinks he will get his own place when we sell our house, which has been on the market for 5 months with no prospective buyers. I have asked what his thoughts are a few times and he always says he doesn't know what he is going to do yet. In the meantime I guess I am just supposed to carry on like before. In a sense he is already living the single life. He does sports with friends, which I don't have a problem with but he makes plans without consulting me to be away 2 nights a week right after work and home at 10 pm and all day one day of the weekend and gone before the kids wake 3 days a week.This wouldn't be a problem except we have 2 kids that never see him. When he is home he watches TV in a different room and barely talks to us. I try to engage with him but get one word responses. About 2-3 times a week he wants sex,which is straight to the point although he never leaves me hanging but it certainly lacks passion. It seems he is getting the best of both worlds. Initially, I thought whatever keeps him happy and living with us but lately I feel like our kids and I deserve so much more. Until we sell the house we are stuck. Everyday I am on an emotional roller coaster. I posted a longer post with background but did not get any responses.I don't believe he is having an affair but his whole family has depression. I have no one to talk to and I don't know what to do. Do I give him an ultimatum, do I ignore him or say no to sex and push him away more???.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I think he is treating you poorly. I do not believe he loves you. It must be scary for you. Do you have a job outside the home? You need to speak with a divorce attorney asap. The consultations are usually free. If he is telling you he is getting his own place where does that leave you and the kids? It sounds like he is working very hard. Are you having financial troubles? 

At the very least you need to make an exit plan.


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## Isis71 (Mar 5, 2010)

Yes I work at a good job and we are not experiencing any significant financial probs. I have researched exit strategies but can't make a move right away. I do not have any family nearby and the closest live at least a 15hr drive away. The funny thing is some days he is the husband and father he used to be and is very attentive etc. This week is our 20th anniversary so last weekend we spent the day together just the two of us, supper and a hotel. The kids joined us the day after to swim etc and he was amazing. A few times this summer we went away with. The kids on short trips and everything was amazing. thirty minutes after returning home he's back in his shellwith a wall around him. It seems that when we are doing something he is great but everything changes in the day to day routines. He has never spoken to me disrespectfully in the 23 yrs we have been together or anything like that so it makes it very difficult to leave because he was the perfect husband up to a few yrs ago. Midlife crisis? I don't know


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## Isis71 (Mar 5, 2010)

For those of you who are thinking AFFAIR, I don't think so. His sport is mountain biking and he video records all of his rides and i have frequently watched them. The long time he's away twice a week includes driving time etc. I also enjoy mtb and we go out together sometimes and he is supportive and encouraging. I do not have a problem with him biking but with the come/go as he pleases. My previous post explains how he did nothing socially for years so I am happy for him.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You may get more replies to this if you post it in the General relationship forum. It's sounds a bit Jekyll and Hyde to me. Maybe it is some kind of mid-life crisis? Sounds like you had a good anniversary. A positive step.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

#1 your husband should see a doctor and have a COMPLETE check up (including for depression)

#2 mention to your husband exactly HOW you feel -- that he's great when you guys are AWAY from your every day lives, but that he is a different personality around the house. Ask him what HE thinks is the problem.

#3 Suggest that you two get into couples counselling to see how you can improve your situation.

It seems like you two have A LOT OF POSITIVES to work with, but somewhere along the line there's a short-circuit that needs to be addressed and corrected.

let us know how he responds to request to get his health (physical and mental) checked AND the request for counselling


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Before you asked the question I thought...sounds like a Mid Life Crisis. If you have patience, you might get the old better him back. 

The book Divorce Remedy helped me weather the storm along with people here at TAM.

It is a fog that is like a mental glitch. 

If you want to save the marriage, it will take patience. Try too mitagate the damage.

I wish you well!


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