# First dance



## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

I went to the Union Summer Social tonight. I was asked to dance by a woman I never met. I said "yes." I had mixed mixed emotions. I felt afraid, ashamed, and that the only way I could cover that up is by talking and asking questions. I was unsure of where to put my hands, how close to be with her, and even if I wanted to dance with anyone. After the song ended, I felt relieved and unsure of what to do next. I found a "safe" person to hang with. He was hanging with another couple and I felt like I did not fit in with that. This "safe person" said twice that I have to reciprocate and ask that same woman to dance. I got scared and made an excuse to leave. Now I feel ashamed for leaving and not asking her to dance with me. Mixed emotions. Does my emotions have any connection with the divorce? I know D and I are done. I think a hang up I have is whether or not dancing with her would lead to anything else. Another hang up is what others at work might say. I was also thinking that I did not want to be up late since I am tired and helping a friend move tomorrow. But, maybe that is just an excuse to not deal with my feelings at the time.

I guess I can say that I danced with someone even if I fell apart with that. I learned I still have many hangups about connecting with another woman.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You broke the ice with that dance. The next time will be a little easier. Stay with it.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Maneo said:


> You broke the ice with that dance. The next time will be a little easier. Stay with it.


:iagree:

I was in an LTR over 20 years... I still feel a bit strange when engaging a good conversation... I just realize it is just one step at a time... Do not over think it, just move forwards and enjoy that she asked you to dance.. That is awesome... I am totally envious...

Keep at it...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I learned I still have many hangups about connecting with another woman.


My Advice: Don't Woody Allen it to death.

If you are having trouble adjusting to single life emotionally, it may help you to reach out to a bachelor friend.

Usually I find most of us (men and women) had 2 good friends growing up.

*Friend 1:* This is the guy you talked to about sex, how to make a move on a woman, this is the friend that got you in trouble (3x at the principals office) and perhaps you even saw bad things happening to him because of the crazy lifestyle he was leading. . .daredevil, maybe substance abuse.

You genuinely love this friend but would not look to him on how to have a long term relationship.

*Friend 2* This was the responsible friend. A rock. You called him when he needed something and like Oscar Schlinder, he was always there when you arrived on that train of despair. He's the guy that helps you paint a room, or run insulation under your house and knows stuff.

You didn't really talk about getting laid and stuff like that with him (other than awkward conversations).

This guy has a rock solid marriage and you look up to him, and maybe are even jealous, for what he has. But he earned it.

Right now, you need Friend 1, My Friend.

I reached out to Friend 1 after I divorced and he basically taught me how to date again, how to bed a woman, etc. Some of his advice was actually really wise (and funny).

Like:

"Get this. The way to bed a woman is to invite her over and ask her for advice on how to decorate the place. It gets a nesting instinct going and that gets them all wet."

or

"You just listen to them and ask them questions about themselves. That gets them all horny."

Okay, I know right now, you are Woody Allening everything and I can hear your reply, "I'm not LOOKING to do that."

Still. . .you need THAT friend. If you dont' have one, I can sort of act like one by proxy and there are probably other guys more capable than me here but if you think back, there's probably someone better than an "online forum."

Think of that guy with the beard who smoked pot in _The 40 Year Old Virgin._


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Scannerguard said:


> M
> 
> *Friend 1:* This is the guy you talked to about sex, how to make a move on a woman, this is the friend that got you in trouble (3x at the principals office) and perhaps you even saw bad things happening to him because of the crazy lifestyle he was leading. . .daredevil, maybe substance abuse.
> 
> ...


This is where I was, before the sheet hit the fan, Good advice, however for me friend 1 is in Michigan. Not seen in years.. 

I like the proxy idea though, for most in this situation, It is a great starting place. 

For me, I have actually solicited a couple of female friends I know.. Who know me and are open for the "game" discussion. 

Common word of advice is get a "set"" and try. Worst case is a NO and it is always a NO if you do not try.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Nice. I think I've always been "friend 2" to my friends. I am on the one to end up helping someone with that "how to fix it" around the house stuff. I have always been the one to listen to what anyone else was dealing with. I think I have a couple of friends I can reach out to.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Mrlonelyhearts said:


> Nice. I think I've always been "friend 2" to my friends. I am on the one to end up helping someone with that "how to fix it" around the house stuff. I have always been the one to listen to what anyone else was dealing with. I think I have a couple of friends I can reach out to.


Dude I get the #2, I am the friends fixer, both type of problems, On every level, I help. 

Although not so much anymore. It is now about my life and how I embrace it. 

Starting to work out, changing my behavior, and moving forward....

It is actually fun once you let yourself do it. Just baby steps and move forwards. If you feel uncomfortable.. GOOD....Probably the right thing to do.

MGB


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