# We tried to make it work after affair



## nottelling4738 (Aug 2, 2013)

About 5 1/2 years ago my husband cheated on me with a friend. I was devastated but we decided to work through it. We have 3 kids together. THings were ok for a while I guess. Well things have turned bad in the last year. Fighting is back, lack of sex, and I just cant trust him. I have a feeling things might be starting up again on his end with someone else. Not the same person but a new one. We have separated about 6 months ago. After 17 years of marriage. We are trying to keep things as calm as possible for our kids. I don't want to upset them anymore than we have to. Its prob best we separated because of all the fighting. It was so bad. So here I sit all depressed but still thinking it was for the best. I don't know if he was cheating again but maybe I never got past the first one. It has been 5 years. I thought actually working through the cheating made us stronger but I guess not. It felt like it for a while. I still cant belive this is happening. Im too old for this crap. But part of me wants him back. I have almost no friend at all. The one friend I had well we see how that went. it funny that I miss talking to her. God I cant belive im typing this. why would I even think about her. I guess I just need to get it out. I miss my husband but I don't know if I can save this marriage. Not sure if its worth it. not sure I want to. do I want to save it just so im not alone? im not a spring chicken anymore. Life is so crazy. I just want to be there for my kids but who is there for me? I wish I had someone - guess online wil hve to do.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Get into Individual Counseling (IC) to get some perspective on your situation and yourself. Try a Meetup that you're interested in so you get out and get social. Reach out to parents of your kids' friends. Not in a needy, I want to whine about my situation kind of way, but try to build on the kids, a friendship of sorts. It may grow deeper, it may not, but it will be easier because you start with the kids and their activities in common.

Sounds like first priority is to get some people on your side and for you to be an adult with.

Go to Coping With Infidelity forum if you want some help on catching him cheating.

Others will have more advice for you, but you sound lonely and unsure of yourself, so I recommend reaching out for friendships or at least adult convo and get to an IC. Make your first appointment today for next week.

How old are you? I bet you're not too old to be on your own as you think.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

You should read my story! Husband had an affair 11 years ago - I thought I had "moved on" from it, but truth came to light last year that I never truly forgave him. I spent 10 years holding it over his head and bringing it up and never really "forgiving" fully. We have had a horrible few years.....all of 2012 pretty much sucked, but we continued on for our daughter - but the fighting by the end of the year got pretty bad - so early this year I told him to get out.

During the few months I was out - I spent a lot of time here. I went to an individual counselor - and did phone consultations with a marriage counselor. Truth is I love my husband more than anything - we have been together 21 years.....I did not want to throw it away. What I came away with from these 3 actions above - was that the issues we were having were MY ISSUES. 

I had to find forgvieness....I had to learn to be happy again....I was miserable to live wtih, but was blind to it.

4 months after he moved out - he moved back.....we took our first family vacation in 7 years....we have talked more than ever...we enjoy each other again.....it has been a DIFFICULT road.....there was a lot of distrust on his side that I have really changed...he made a mistake....he knew that....and now I realize for those 10 years...he never did it again (and he probably should have with the way I alienated him) ---- 

We are in the best relationship we have EVER had. He JUST started saying the words I Love You Again.....I cannot put into words how amazign that felt since I have not heard it for YEARS!

So do not give up.

What I am telling you by writing this is look INSIDE yourself. If you are making your home an unfriendly place to be because of YOUR issues, you need to find the strength to address those....

It won't be easy....but whether you can fix your marriage or not is largely based on you......


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