# Need some help before I make a major mistake Please



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

This was my las post on the toehr thread I had going that was getting too long.

I tried to talk with my wife this evening about some of my fears. She will not discuss at all her feelings about what happened in the A. She just keeps saying she won't discuss it at all. I wrote the follwing and put it away locked up because I don't want to threaten the progress we have made so far. 

When I make a statement about something that is bothering me and you don’t respond at all, I imagine the worst possible and my fears explode even more. For me, it’s like having a monster in the room I can’t get rid of. Your reaction that you won’t be beaten up or bullied into answering hurts even more because it feels to me like you don’t care how I feel. I went to far tonight and I realize that. It will take time for me to work through my feelings. I feel like I’m doing it alone. You won’t comment on how you feel which feels to me like your hiding your feelings from me – what I know is precisely what created the fertile ground and I don’t ever want to get to the point again where you don’t feel like you can talk to me and have to go to someone else. I know you want to just want it over and leave the past in the past and for most part, so do I. Some of it won’t let me have peace unless I can understand that everything you showed in the past that I thought was love was real and not a lie for my benefit. Right now I don’t know what was real. Hiding all of my feelings all of the time leaves that monster in the room. I don’t want to make you feel guilty , beat you up or bully you. I just need to understand the parts I don’t – some of the missing pieces in that puzzle I can’t put together and then throw in the trash. My life with you almost ended and I’m scared to death it could happen again. My hypervigilance without knowing what happened gets worse because I don’t feel like I know what to look out for. I need to find peace and confidence. I have forgiven you. That doesn’t relieve you of the responsibility for your actions and the fallout from it. You need to help me as much I am trying to help you.

For the WW - Is this something I should give time to work out? It has only been a month since d day. Would this be pushing too hard? SHe obviously does not want to face up to the pain she has caused yet. And guys - don't get on your "what it should be" horses. If I had pushed as hard as some of you advised, things would be worse.

The major mistake I'm about to make is calling it quits. SHe refuses to answer any question. Today I told her there was one question I had to have answered. I had to know how long in our 26+ years of marriage it went on. Something someone said to me who had talked to her led me to believe it was over 16 years and not the 8 she told me. When I asked, she gave me her standard response that if I had to have an answer to one question, then it would be another and another question and all she wanted to do was move forward. She would not tell me how long. I told her it was the one question I HAD to know because it meant what was happening in my life for 16 years and that I couldn't live without knowing. She told if that was the case we were done. 

Am I being too inquisitive? This question REALLY bothers me. Someone give me strength to move past it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

8yearscheating said:


> I told her it was the one question I HAD to know because it meant what was happening in my life for 16 years and that I couldn't live without knowing. She told if that was the case we were done.
> 
> Am I being too inquisitive? This question REALLY bothers me. Someone give me strength to move past it.


She's bluffing you. And admitting it was more than 8 years at the same time.

Draw the line in the sand but be prepared to part with her.

She's hiding information.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She is hiding a lot and your worst fears are probably true, I don't recall in your posts if she is in counseling, if the counselor is not one that supports full disclosure, truth and honesty then fire him/her.

For you your wife has to be totally honest for the marriage to go forward.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

An Affair for a brief time (weeks to a month or two) I could probably handle, but a long term affair over 8 years or more....

If you still want to work on it, get her to tell the truth but it's a double edge sword and she is right, that one question will lead to another and so on. Once you know how long, you're gonna want to know how much, when, how, is there more than one, could there me more than one if she lies about it, etc....

The questions will never stop, trust me on this. I let my wife know up to the point where she had to stop with the questions and just accept that it happened and move on. If she would have dug more, it wasn't a pretty picture because there was alot she doesn't know about and it was probably better that she didn't.

But if one day she does ask, I will tell her. It won't be pretty but I owe her that much. And if it's too much for her then that'll have to be her decision to make. Every once in a while she'll ask for more details and it'll just dredge up old painful memories, but I tell her if she asks.

My affair was only 4 months long, but let's just say in those 4 months I lived out years of doing things that I always wanted to do and I won't elaborate on what those things were.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Appreciate the responses. I told her that I wouldn't discuss again until we met the marriage counselor on Weds. I think he is the one that told her not to divulge more if she didn't want. If that turns out to be the case, I will ask if we can see someone else. The only thing I'm asking to know is how long, when - generally - when I was home or travelling and where - with the limitation I don't want to know if it was at our house. I'm not sure if I can live without knowing this minimal level of info because I feel like I can't protect myself at all if I don't know these basics. I know I can't follow her and know what she is doing 100% of the time. I just need some peace so I can throw it in the trash and move on. I just told her I'm still willing to move forward and we must talk with the MC weds. I fell as if she can't be at least that little bit honest, there will be a monster in the room of our relationship forever.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

What she wants is to have committed adultery for 8+ years (and more likely 16 years) and have no consequences. She wants to be able to "get away with it" and not have to take personal responsibility for the choices she's made. 

I wholeheartedly agree that if the counselor says "Don't divulge more if you don't want to" ...*go to a different counselor!* In a marriage, the whole POINT is intimacy with another person, and to be truly intimate there has to be transparency. That means I am "see through" enough to let you see the real me, warts and all. And don't fall for the claim that she needs some degree of "privacy" I throw the :bsflag: flag! Privacy=closing the bathroom door when you dress or go to the bathroom; aka modesty. Secrecy=not revealing the True Me and purposely hiding from my spouse. There is no room for secrecy in a marriage! 

I generally explain to Disloyal Spouses like this: "You have all the pieces of the puzzle and you know what the picture is when you put all the pieces together..and the picture makes you sick because either you miss the OP and you're trying to put them out of your mind, or you are ashamed that you did that! Meanwhile though, your spouse does not have all the pieces of the puzzle and they are scrambling to try to make heads or tails of the picture. Right now, without all the pieces, all they see is the worst parts and they fill it in with EVER WORSE!" And to the Loyal Spouses I explain like this: "Put yourself in your spouse's shoes. You did something REALLY, really stupid like embezzling...and you were caught. Now you feel like such an idiot for doing it and want nothing more than to sort of get past it and prove you can be honest again. But it's in the newspaper, all your friends talk about it behind your back, and your spouse constantly asks questions about it! 'When did you steal the first $100? What were you thinking? How long did you steal?' and all the while you know in your heart that you've see the mistake you've made and you've changed for real! But no one will let it go..." I think using those analogies, each spouse can see the position in which they are putting their own spouse. 

Then I recommend for couples who are working on rebuilding that they make an agreement that will work for both of them. Reach the Mutual Understanding that the Loyal Spouse will ask only one or two questions each day and agree that the LS will discipline themselves to ONLY those 1-2 questions. Simultaneously, the Disloyal Spouse agrees to answer those one or two questions fully and honestly. After they answer, no matter what it is, agree to hug each other and say, "Thank you for being honest" so that honesty is safe. Then if you have to...go apart so you can digest what was said. Finally, reach a Mutual Understanding about how long you'll ask questions--like 30 days or 60 days. This let's the Loyal gradually get some of the puzzle pieces they need (and they're free to stop before 30 days if they're ready), and it let's the Disloyal know that it won't become the Spanish Inquisition and it won't be held over their head for forever. There WILL be an end in sight!


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## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

I can hear your love and desperation for her in your words. My heart bleeds for you because I know your pain. 

When I found out about my husband's emotional affair (or so I thought), he acted much like your wife. Until I caught him in the physical affair he wouldn't talk about what happened and was very defensive about it. I don't want to point blank say that she is still seeing the other man, but I would keep your eyes open wide. 

You are a strong man for doing what you are doing. You deserve everything you need and want from her right now. Remember, she has done this HORRIBLE thing to you and now, she is the one who should be falling all over you to save this marriage ...not the other way around. 

I agree with what someone else said...make an ultimatum and be prepared to leave. It may just be the slap of reality she needs. Good luck to you!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

As the person who was cheated on, you have the right to know everything about how the affair came about and exactly what happened.
If your spouse is not agreeing to that, then she is likely hiding stuff.
A lie can be prepared and delivered. However, once the questions start, the lie usually unravels and the truth will be exposed. Refusing to answer questions gives her the ability to keep the lie available and the truth hidden.
Ask all questions as they come to you and if she won't answer them, she's hiding something.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You are NOT being unreasonable, and she is NOT being honest with you. Bring it up to the MC, and if she(strongly suspect that the MC is a woman)tells your W that she doesn't have to admit it, tell, DON'T ASK, your W to see a different counselor. If W refuses, then maybe the mistake you are afraid of may not be so bad after all.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

8 years - I just hit 4 months yesterday, and the monster definitely still exists. And unfortunately, the monster only seems to get bigger...its a terrible catch-22 for us because we dont want to take steps back from progress we've made, but by leaving the monster unattended and allowing our hurt/anger to build, it will only become more ferocious when it does come out. My monster came out yesterday and it definitely set us back, so I'd advise you to address the monster sooner rather than later...and if she's not ready to address the monster, then all she's doing is feeding it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

First MC session was good in the sense that the MC convinced my wife she would need to answer questions from me and deal with her guilt or ti would never move forward. She opened up but the news was worse than I expected. 20 years, not 8 with it starting with 2 strangers at 0 years and then moving to former friend for 19. It happened every time we had a serios fight or I left town. Before and and after her work on occasion. She said it was infrequent which I haven't gotten tot he details yet. I've decided I'm going to let his wife know it was an 18 year sexual and EA. Then call him 15 minutes later and tell him if he contacts my wife to tell her his BW has been notified I will go public with copies of his sexting messages and news of the affair to everyone I can think of. If he tries to continue, I'll turn him into a woman. I'm going to trash his life as bad as the two of them have mine and relieve myself of the moral dilema of her not knowing becauase I witheld the information. I still can't jsutify in my mind how she could continue for so long and still tell me she never stopped loving me. I also am not sure I can ever believe she will never do it again, even though she says is comitted to staying faithful. Former WW, am I being an idiot thinking she can? I remained calm through the session and have not blown out since though I have been taking time out to elt off steam so I don't attack her. ANd I did thank her for honesty and finally opening up. Even though I said I wouldn't, I am beggining to wonder if can work through it.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

Unfortunately, in the psychological sense, you have never actually been "married" to your wife, at least from her perspective.

She's been cheating on you one way or another, or wanting to, for your entire relationship.

She sounds like one of these chicks who get married for reasons other than actually being in love with their husbands--you know--you're the financially stable "good guy" etc.

Before reading your most recent post, I was actually going to say that 8 years or 80 doesn't really matter. Isn't 8 plenty to know what you need to do?

Yeah it sucks having your mental visualization of your entire life disrupted in this fashion.

On the other hand there is a value to finally and once and for all living in the real world.

No two ways about it, you married a wh*re. She will never change, and there's nothing you can do about it at this point.

So you either accept what she is, and stay married to her; or, you get divorced.

There are no other choices. These are the only two. Difficult? Yes.

But you do have a choice.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your wife is manipulative. She says she won't answer your questions because "First it will be one question. then another then another". My friend, you need to take control. First off completely separate finances. Cut her off completely. Order groceries on line. She has cuckolded you and believes that she is in complete control. After you cut her off. And she finds out that she has no money. She will come to you and you simply tell her, " If I give you money now, you will only ask for more later". Naturally she will have a fit. tough sh!t.

Calling it quits is not a mistake. She has taken away your security. You need to take hers away. This will at least bring it to a head. Then all the cards will be on the table. You need to get up in her grill. Not violent but direct. Not needy either. I would tell her very calmly, "I tell you what. You want money. I will pay you like a wh*re for information. You just tell the truth and I will pay you cash" You need to rock her world, pull the rug out from under her. You have tried the needy way now man up and use the hammer. What do you have to lose?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> She opened up but the news was worse than I expected. 20 years, not 8 with it starting with 2 strangers at 0 years and then moving to former friend for 19.


Sorry this is hurting you, you have to tell her that the hurt is deep and she has no concept of what you are going through, Do so in a calm manner. this is only for her to know how deep the betrayal is, do not hold this against her

At least the truth is starting to come out out now , there will be more to come , place , perhaps your home. She must trust you in order to tell you all. Do not ever loose your cool. 





> She said it was infrequent which I haven't gotten tot he details yet. I've decided I'm going to let his wife know it was an 18 year sexual and EA.


An affair is an affair and they hurt. disclosure to his wife is required and yes it is part of your recovery. 



> Then call him 15 minutes later and tell him if he contacts my wife to tell her his BW has been notified I will go public with copies of his sexting messages and news of the affair to everyone I can think of.


For your peace of mind I would normally recommend you do not call him, however if you need to bollock him do so it is liberating, do not threaten him, let him know your wife has told him all. Leave it at that, he must not guess your next set of actions.





> If he tries to continue


You wife from now on must let you know if he calls you, if he does you call him straight away. then expose him to all. 

It is very important she works with you on this and does call you if he tries to contact her in any way. You are now a team and she must be on-board. 




> I still can't jsutify in my mind how she could continue for so long and still tell me she never stopped loving me.
> 
> I also am not sure I can ever believe she will never do it again, even though she says is comitted to staying faithful.




Your concerns are real, you are venting carry on.. she must prove by her words actions and deeds that she is fully committed to you. She has to take what is called Extraordinary Precautions from now on to ensure she does not lapse, if you and your wife needs more info on this go to the marriage builders site 



> Former WW, am I being an idiot thinking she can? I remained calm through the session and have not blown out since though I have been taking time out to elt off steam so I don't attack her.


Vent more




> ANd I did thank her for honesty and finally opening up. Even though I said I wouldn't, I am beggining to wonder if can work through it.



It is good you remained calm, as for going forward give her the opportunity to prove herself, she must know that this is going to be a full time effort for the rest of her life with no slip ups. 

I recommend she registers on the marriage builders forum, there are a lot of WW on there going though rehabilitation. You as her BS will be able to read the responses.

This is together time, love her as you have in the past you to will heal 

Best wishes.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Tanks El-Zor and to the others, I hope in your own situations, if you wna to work it it out with your wayward spouses, your advise will kill the chances you may have. I do want to work it out - 90% because I still love her and because D would make financially miserable for both of us. If you haven't read my other thread, you should. We have made more progress in a very short period time than anyone who would go on the attack. If we did divorce, it would stay amicable to prevent the attorneys from sucking us dry. She had already agreed to one attorney at cost of $2000. Two bottom feeders would cost each 10K to 45k EACH. Look at yourselves - while your not responsible for what they did, I'm sure there was fertile ground for it and you were a lot of the fertilizer. My wife has found her love for me again. Holds me and comforts me when I break down. Is in my bed and having sex with me in a loving - not whorish way. Can you say the same? She's broken it off entirely with the OM. Only time will tell, but I feel we are on the road to recovery. She has also agreed to be evaluated for Bi polar which I think was serious contributing factor.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If you have children even if they are adult children you have to tell them, this is part of the healing processes.

I must caution you 18 years of "love" for the OM is hard to get rid of, so please do listen when I say tell the children as it helps both of you practice honesty and helps clear her mind is she tries to think of the OM in a pleasant way. 

She has to be on-board when it comes to him contacting her, she must have a plan you both agree to, such as if he calls she puts down the phone calls you and you call him straight away then his wife. If he persists you get a restraining order, the same if he tries to visit her. These are some of the Extraordinary Measures she has to practice now to prove she is in the marriage with you.

I have not scanned your threads for details so you may have done the following already,

Do not discount the value of the NC letter even if she is practicing NC now, it will help you if the position with the OM gets messy later on.

She sends him an NC letter you have approved, she hand writes a second one, signs it and you post it to him.

She hand writes a letter of apology to the OM's wife and says in there how long the affair has been going on for. 

Many do not do the last however you have 18 years of lies, so do it, and it will help the OM's wife in the event he is saying something different. 


Again this is part of those measures to completely isolate them from each other. 

Good Luck


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

> My wife has found her love for me again. Holds me and comforts me when I break down. Is in my bed and having sex with me in a loving - not whorish way. Can you say the same?


Dude I congratulate you for being able to maintain an erection under those circumstances.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> Tanks El-Zor and to the others, I hope in your own situations, if you wna to work it it out with your wayward spouses, your advise will kill the chances you may have. I do want to work it out - 90% because I still love her and because D would make financially miserable for both of us. If you haven't read my other thread, you should. We have made more progress in a very short period time than anyone who would go on the attack. If we did divorce, it would stay amicable to prevent the attorneys from sucking us dry. She had already agreed to one attorney at cost of $2000. Two bottom feeders would cost each 10K to 45k EACH. Look at yourselves - while your not responsible for what they did, I'm sure there was fertile ground for it and you were a lot of the fertilizer. My wife has found her love for me again. Holds me and comforts me when I break down. Is in my bed and having sex with me in a loving - not whorish way. Can you say the same? She's broken it off entirely with the OM. Only time will tell, but I feel we are on the road to recovery. She has also agreed to be evaluated for Bi polar which I think was serious contributing factor.


8yearscheating, have you considered you’re probably “in love” with the woman you thought your wife was?

But she’s not who she made out to be, is she? I don’t think the penny’s dropped yet.

You’re probably in love with an “ideal” of your wife. Not who your wife really is and what she represents.

Are you truly going to go on for another 20 years and at the end of it all wonder what was real and what was fiction over the past 40 years?

Finances are important. But nowhere near as important as leading a true and authentic life.

Bob


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ELi zor - i don't think she will call his wife. We discussed the no contact letter today and she didn't want it writing to be found along with her begging me not tell her. I was going to a friend call her for plausible deniabilty tot ell her he has had an 18 year affair with a freinds wife and then call him and lay it for him that if he ever contacts any member of family or sends anything ( he WAS my daughters godfather and I'll tell is not any longer) or reveals my wifes name to anyone I will go public with copies of his graphic sexting messages with his work phone number shown and tel all to everyone he knows, including his college age daughters, employees, parents and her family. This should stop him from calling my wife and telling her I revealed him which I can deny I did. While it may seem stupid to protect her, I don't my wife to be further embarassed or abused by common friends.

I will establish a firm plan in the event of contact.

For AFEH - I do realize she is not the woman I thought I was married to. We have discussed the why it happened and I am still struggling hard to put it behind me while trying to make sure we have a strong enough relationship that it won't happen again - including how she will with the temptation in the future. I know and she can clearly see that I am suffering from a severe case of post traumatic stress syndrome. I see her pain when she is trying to help me with it and I truly feel she is dealing with a lot of remorse and guilt and won't let it happen again. She is more important to me than the affair. I maywake up one day and change my mind. FOr now, I am still committed to working through the pain and moving forward. She insists it was on and off. 3-4 times a year. Not continuous. ANy time is too many and the number of years is really tearing at me. I'm sure most think me an idiot on this site.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> ELi zor - i don't think she will call his wife. We discussed the no contact letter today and she didn't want it writing to be found along with her begging me not tell her. I was going to a friend call her for plausible deniabilty tot ell her he has had an 18 year affair with a freinds wife and then call him and lay it for him that if he ever contacts any member of family or sends anything ( he WAS my daughters godfather and I'll tell is not any longer) or reveals my wifes name to anyone I will go public with copies of his graphic sexting messages with his work phone number shown and tel all to everyone he knows, including his college age daughters, employees, parents and her family. This should stop him from calling my wife and telling her I revealed him which I can deny I did. While it may seem stupid to protect her, I don't my wife to be further embarassed or abused by common friends.
> 
> I will establish a firm plan in the event of contact.
> 
> For AFEH - I do realize she is not the woman I thought I was married to. We have discussed the why it happened and I am still struggling hard to put it behind me while trying to make sure we have a strong enough relationship that it won't happen again - including how she will with the temptation in the future. I know and she can clearly see that I am suffering from a severe case of post traumatic stress syndrome. I see her pain when she is trying to help me with it and I truly feel she is dealing with a lot of remorse and guilt and won't let it happen again. She is more important to me than the affair. I maywake up one day and change my mind. FOr now, I am still committed to working through the pain and moving forward. She insists it was on and off. 3-4 times a year. Not continuous. ANy time is too many and the number of years is really tearing at me. I'm sure most think me an idiot on this site.


Hey 8yearscheating, fair enough. We all have our cross to bear. One man’s medicine and all that stuff.

I sincerely hope you find what works for both of you.

My wife had an affair a very long time ago. Obviously the people in the group we were in at the time knew. But none of my family knew and they never will.

I believe it’s a man’s private business. If I’d told families no way would we have enjoyed our decades together after the affair.

Bob


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

8years cheating, I'm 13yearscheating, please to meet a fellow idiot....;-) Me and my W are doing good and she has done alot to help me heal. The question I had were also tuff for her to answer, but when my wife understood it was my way of healing she understood that her feelings had to be set aside for my feelings and that was just part of the deal. I believe we both knew that she had to come clean in order for our new marriage to work, just like I had to come clean with why our old marriage failed.

So fellow idiot, heres to new marriages with the same people with healthier behaviors. Good luck and keep the dark thoughts away.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The guy - working hard on those dark thoughts, but so close to the news, I'm having a real hard time. What did you do to keep your mind off it or to resolve the feelings you had? I am having a real hard time understanding how she could turn off her feelings for me and do this. Hear only explanation so far is that she felt she deserved to have some fun when we had fights or when I got mean. In my heart, I think I knew something was going on and often asked her obviously only to be lied to. What discussions did you and your wife have and what did you do to gain your confidence back? SHe claims I was always a good lover and I responded obviously not good enough. We have talked extensively about how in the future she needs to come to me first, especially if she even thinking of straying again. She swears she would have never decided to continue with me unless she was sure she could be faithful. I guess I feel like that should always have been the case. I know I can't keep track of her 100% of the time and the doubts are still real strong. I do want to build a new stronger relationship and have committed to doing so. In my next session with my IC, I plan on asking him to help me with post traumatic stress syndrome I know I'm experiencing with panic attacks and flashbacks or my imagination of what went on.

Oh and by the way, it ended up being 20 years - since she had post partum and left me the first time - two strangers then and then a friend for last 18.

Would greatly appreciate any pointers or methods that worked for you.

For former WW, any suggestions I can give my wife to help me? I have not given her this site to look at because I've written so much I'm afraid she would recognize it.


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## sophiasfriend (Oct 22, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> *I hope in your own situations, if you wna to work it it out with your wayward spouses, your advise will kill the chances you may have. * We have made more progress in a very short period time than anyone who would go on the attack.
> 
> Look at yourselves - while your not responsible for what they did, I'm sure there was fertile ground for it and you were a lot of the fertilizer.
> 
> My wife has found her love for me again. Holds me and comforts me when I break down. Is in my bed and having sex with me in a loving - not whorish way. Can you say the same? She's broken it off entirely with the OM. Only time will tell, but I feel we are on the road to recovery. She has also agreed to be evaluated for Bi polar which I think was serious contributing factor.




8 Yrs...

I'm so glad you are able to cull through the replies on the forum and seem to be clear about which posts are constructive and which are not. Advice from perpetually-bitter people will always be destructive. I started another thread where I mentioned that my affair was 13 years and that we are working on rebuilding our marriage. Believe it or not there were people who actually vilified my spouse on that thread. They know nothing of my story, situation or relationship and yet they feel informed enough to judge.

I am just over 2 months from the end of my affair. My spouse has been amazing (your original post sounds like he could have written it). Like you he is angry, scared, hurt, and completely unsure. I have always loved him deeply, even during my affair...and love him more every day as I re-learn what a good, fair, strong man he really is.

Ask your questions until you feel you can stop obsessing. You deserve answers. The answers will be horribly painful for you both, but your spouse will feel absolutely unburdened as she lets go of the things she's had to hold in for so long. If you can try to keep physical contact with each other (hand holding, etc) while you talk about even the most painful things. It's very reassuring.

Last bit of my 2 cents... consider carefully before you share this problem with anyone but your spouse. While having a friend or family member to confide in can feel very supportive, it also makes one more person who WILL have an emotional reaction to your revelation. The betrayed spouse and the disloyal spouse have enough emotions to sort through together without worrying about anyone else's reactions.

Best of luck to you! I hope she appreciates your efforts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She needs to help you get rid of your assumtions with answers.

The most important thing I needed from my W was the details. I was having a hard time with my imagination. I told her I could not move on imagining the multible gang bangs, circus clowns, and migites(little poeple) she was with. Also I could not move on knowing she was having sex with women in puplic restrooms. and enjoying alien sex abductions. So my main point "help me get ride of these thoughts" my imagination was going wild. It was up to her to fix this. So no gangbangs, circus freaks or aliens, just straight sex with a charming guy at his place. Be warned the hardest detail was the fact that a good friend also betrayed me. More importantly my W informed me he is not as good a friend as I though. 

For me, she had to be open with all details or else forget it. I will never heal or forgive. This is a very dangerous game, if you are any way judgemental or a jealous type this could push you away. If you really want to know the details you better beable to take it. Think about this carefully and set up the limits of the info you want/need from her. Set the boundries with her before this painful discussion, let her know what you need answered and why, and set a time when you can have this discussion. Just discussing the discussion of details is painful. So take the time and ask questions on Saturday, and get answers on Sunday

So, now that my imagination is straighten out, I now have to wrap my mind around the machanics of her infidelity, the pick-up, the emotions, the positions. My wife is most likely telling me half truths, but I will except that fact. So I have an average size penis, she was never on top, and aways used a condom, never took them to our home, never at work, and things like this that help me understand the machanics and it gives me a handle on the extent of her behaviors.

Bottom line is I needed questions answered or else good bye guy. The truth.... well the information helped me heal and her. It was not about using this info against her later on or hurting me more, its about having an understanding of the behavior that went on. Its about changing my behavior so I can pick-up on my wife and be charming and take her to bed. Its about finding out what the OM's was doing and what I stoped doing so many years age. You know its... how did, or what did that guy say that turned my wife on, Her answers are all about finding out what I can also do as far as preventing her & mine past behaviors from coming back up.

One thing thought, my wife has not explained about the big red clown nose in the back seat of her car  lol


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## sophiasfriend (Oct 22, 2010)

:lol: 

a sense of humor can only help!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sophiasfriend - humor? I find it real hard to find humor. Give me an example.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I am tryingto keep it very light when we are not in serious discussion. Like the other night she made an comment - totally unrelated about needing a man and I replied pick the location and lets go?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

the guy said:


> *SENSE OF HUMOR HERE*:
> ...One thing thought, my wife has not explained about the big red clown nose in the back seat of her car  lol


Like the other night she made an comment - totally unrelated about needing a man and I replied pick the location and lets go?

How about: "I can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan baby!" 

or "Did you say 'FEEDING' a man?" LOL :lol:

or handing her a pan and saying "Oh you need a pan for that? Alrighty...kinky!" :rofl:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope I didn't start a rucus with my little joke, Point being our imagination can run wild when our DS can't/ won't discuss there affair. I just felt some of us need more details then other in order to heal and forgive.

And I never found a clown nose in the back seat of my wifes car, but the size 3 mens elevator dress show has me curious;-)

I hope everone can see the serious point versus the sarcastic coment regarding a persons imagination and what really went on in a spouse's infidelity.


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## sophiasfriend (Oct 22, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> Sophiasfriend - humor? I find it real hard to find humor. Give me an example.


I was referring to TheGuys reference to a big red clown nose in the back of his car. 

I do think that even in the most troubling situations it can really help to lighten things up even if infrequently.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Initfortheduration - would you like me to call your your wife that you have decided to stay with a wh*re? Them's fightin words - wanna step out my thread - jerk!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Going to our 2nd MC session today. 3 things on the agenda. NC letter I drafted which includes a warning his wife be called with my wifes permission. I plan on having some else make the call to her so she can't identify who it was. Really don't want contact with her. Just tell her the duration, that it's over and he has been told no contact. Also start with the question if she has been told. Closing with he was warned she would be called. Made from a payphone so she can't call back.
Second thing is where and I've already told her I don't want to know if it was at our house. Also some more clarification on when. At that point I think I know all I want to and have gotten some retribution. He won't be getting off Scott free like he is now. Just enough I hope so I don't feel like I need to do something stupid that could land me in jail. From this session on
I want to start working on us and my confidence in her. She has agreed to being evaluated by a psychiatrist for bipolar so that hopefully we can get her stabilized long term. I hope this session is as productive as the last. It was a catharsis for her and settled a lot of my nagging questions. Couldn't sleep tonight worrying about it though generally the last session made it real hard for a few days and then things improved. Here's hoping for similar results today. I'm pretty sure she is going to fight for not telling his wife which I have decided is not an option for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You telling the OM's wife is not something to hide away from, your wife has no say, this is to protect your marriage going forward and to ensure permanent NC is maintained. Call her yourself it will take 5 min of your time and it will be over. The NC letter is must to ensure he gets the message, send a copy to his wife as well. Non of this has to do with revenge, you are being honest and future proofing your marriage.


Best wishes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You've pretty much spelled it out for her: there will be consequences if she strays again. Like the ICBMs we have, pray that you never have to use them, but don't hesitate to turn the key when the time comes.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The reason I want the call indirect is so that his wife doesn't know who. Will tell om he is not to reveal who to his wife. I don't want to deal with her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

His wife is nutty and I don't want to get dragged into a divorce court
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You won't get dragged in, keep to the facts as they are. 

If anything should the OM's wife want to drag someone to the courts it will be your wife that will be called.

NC will most certainly be enforced then. 

The only way you will ensure the OM is out of the picture is if you tell his wife, any other action is wishful thinking, doing this via another person will cause more problems than is needed. 

If you are not sure how to approach this write a letter to her and send it recorded mail with copies of some of the evidence, plus if your wife writes the NC letter you copy the OM's wife in it as well.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Hang in there 8 we must be crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Well the MC session did not go so well. MY wife had forgotten to take her meds that day so she was real defensive. When I pulled out a draft of a NC letter which included a statement that his wife would be notified in a few days and the note that it would be sent certified return receipt requested to his business so I knew he had signed for it, my wife responded that she felt she was being controlled and that she had already notified him via a text and there was no need for it. I responded that telling him she was going to TRY to work things was not permanent enough. The MC asked me if I felt she was defending and choosing him over me and I said yes. SHe folded into defensive body posture. She also said she did not want to notify his wife and hurt her to which I replied I needed retribution - he could not walk away from this without consequences and could not live with morally knowing and not having notified her as I would want the same if the situation were reversed. I asked her if she would want to know or remain oblivious and she she said she wouldn't to know. I told her I didn't believe that and that she was just looking at from her perspective as a disloyal spouse and guilt, not wanting to do more damage. The MC told her she needed to write her own version of the letter keeping in the important points and that we should out the notification. She hasn't brought it up since and it's been two days. I'm sure she is reluctant to do anything and I plan on asking her to get it done because I want the unfinished business done so we can move on. I told her after the session I won't hold things until the session and if she felt any questions too difficult to deal with together, she could tell me to hold until the next MC session. I feel like I'm being impatient but I want to move forward. Last night my oldest daughter wrote a confidential blog about her being lied to by my wife about our problems. My wife started to blame me for telling her too much until I explained that I had taken the fault on myself since they didn't know about the affair and she had told them it was because of me and my actions that we were having problems. She told both my oldest daughter and son the same thing. I explained to her I had broken down on the phone when things got bad and taken fault by lying to protect their impression of my wife - not telling them about the affair. I also told her she had no reason to be mad at my daughter, both my daughter and my son were totally confused about what was going on and I tried to provide as much comfort as I could while I was self destructing over it. I could see the guilt and sorrow on her face and she apologized to me for blaming me for talking too much. I think she is softening her hard line position about the NC letter and notification of the OM's spouse. I told her without it, I had unfinished business that I could not resolve otherwise unless I put him in a hospital and ended up in jail. We will see what happens next. The next day after the MC session she was loving and warm.

We did accomplish one good thing in the session, she agreed to see a psychiatrist and be evaluated for bipolar or to find out why she cycles into depression so severely. It was obvious she didn't think she had the manic side of bipolar which I know I and her family have seen and she does realize there are cases of it in her family and my son has it. With so many years of dealing with psychiatrist for my son, she was reluctant but the MC explained to her how beneficial it would be even if the diagnosis did not reveal bipolar, she could at least get on the right regiment of medication to keep her stable. She has thyroid, hormone and other issues as well. She know she has a Jeckle and Hyde personality and it has definitely played a big part in the problems in our relationship and her propensity to shut down and let problems stew instead of working through them with me. The "control" problem she often raises was aimed back directly at her by the MC as something SHE needed to resolve if she ever expected our marriage to last.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A few pointers, your post is honest and you wrote what you feel and what happened. 

In future take a deep breathe and answer with clarity.

You do not want revenge, "_what you want is to to protect your marriage, you want transparency, you want honesty, the OM is a threat to your marriage and his wife knowing is one of the most important steps to protect your marriage_" Use those words when you explain this to everyone. 

You have to tell you children the truth, your wife has no incentive to be honest with anyone unless she understands that everyone is hurt by what she has done. The blame is equally shared however at this time it reads as if you are taking the blame from your children. 

The marriage can only start recovering once honesty becomes the norm.

Set a date, if she has not written the NC letter and posted it by then call the OM's wife and let her know, stop hiding away, the delay is frustrating you and the lies are hurting everyone.

Keep calm, look after yourself..


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## jenaa (Dec 3, 2010)

Yo the man said he wants revenge, why would you say "you do not want revenge." When he clearly said he does.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I made it clear to her that I couldn't live him with walking away scott free and making amends or working his marriage without his wife knowing the truth. If that were the case, I was likely to mine by either putting in the hospital or worse like tuning him into a woman with a strategically place remote explosive in his seat which would land me in jail. In any event, I needed retribution which which is define as fair consequences or punishment. As far as my adult children, thatcma eto head this week and she had a chance to make amends with my daughter. She didn't and said it was her privacy. I told her I didn't want to destroy her image in my kids minds for the long term. I had offered to tell my daughter and toldmy daughter she would never be able to reveal she know and would have to lie to her mother If i did lay out what really happened. My daughter made the decision she would rather not know than have to lie to her mother about knowing, so I respected her decision. I doubt seriously my wife will ever tell her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

EYC, I read you story and it makes me so angry. I don't want to make you more unhappy or confused but i think she is there with you for her convenience not because she cares about you. If she cared she would not ignore your pain. Please get out let her be alone and go and find someone who loves you. 

What she did all these years was marry this other man and keep a husband on the side for children and money and a stable home. I don't know what happened with the other man, did she end it or did he? In a way she is divorced now and has the connivence of remaining in a stable home. You say you love her but you don't really know her. Do you really love her or is she a habit?

Why do you stay with this cold and heartless woman? Do you think you cannot find love with another? I would say stay with her now and work on you to get your self ready to leave. Do whatever you ever you need to do to increase your self esteem and appeal to woman. Then take you show on the road. It's a buyers market for men you age, especially men who have shown a capacity to remain in a stable marriage and be faithful. 

I understand you love her but i feel you get nothing in return and it is a not good for you. You sound like a wonderful man who can and should be loved. Why should you put up with a deceptive women who is using you as a safe harbor? 

Leave in your own time but not too long have a time line you make the decision to leave don't let her. I wish all the best and hope you will take the steps to be good to yourself.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Just tell the OM's wife now don't wait for a joint agreement on how etc.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

K.I.S.S.

keep it simple stupid/student/stephen/etc (yer choice).

this thread is draggin out like a soap opera when the answer
was/is clear for all to see/write from page one, and as others
late to the "drama" have stated also.

but hey......what ever rocks yer boat(s).


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I love her and with 26 years of marriage even though she cheated in 20 of them I know she still loved me a majority Of the time. I know may be making excuses for her but she has mental illness backed by a family history of it. I've made my decision to work through it. Catherine, I appreciate your support but I 'm not ready to spend many Lonely nights alone. I'm 51 years old and have spent moe than 30 celibate years on the road alone and hate the feeling. I've more than fair share of chances to screw around and never have. Believe me, I would love to even the score but I'm not that kind of man. She is committed this time, at least as far as I can tell. I'm a man who takes his vows seriously and feel like this is sickness she can overcome. I may be setting myself for more pain in the future at which time I guarantee you I will be done with her forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> I love her and with 26 years of marriage even though she cheated in 20 of them I know she still loved me a majority Of the time. I know may be making excuses for her but she has mental illness backed by a family history of it. I've made my decision to work through it. Catherine, I appreciate your support but I 'm not ready to spend many Lonely nights alone. I'm 51 years old and have spent moe than 30 celibate years on the road alone and hate the feeling. I've more than fair share of chances to screw around and never have. Believe me, I would love to even the score but I'm not that kind of man. She is committed this time, at least as far as I can tell. I'm a man who takes his vows seriously and feel like this is sickness she can overcome. I may be setting myself for more pain in the future at which time I guarantee you I will be done with her forever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are indeed a rare person, the epitome of compassion and love. I am sure I don't fully understand the complexities of what you and your wife are going through thus, my previous comments do not appear to fit your situation. I know this, your attitude has inspired me to be more forgiving and to let go of old resentments, it's just not worth not doing so; for so many small and petty things. Much better to move forward. Thanks for sharing your situation and I feel that you will get back the love you give 10 fold. 

PS Only 51 year-old men with no faith in their drawing power are lonely. Of course, I understand your commitment to your wife but I am just saying.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Well another terrible revelation has hit me. My 15 year old daughter was born after I had what is called a non-reversible vasectomy which means they surgically remove a section of the duct and clip the ends. The chances of failure are very low. When it happened, my wife lied to me and told me there was no one else. I haven't had a chance to ask if she was actively having sex with the OM at that time. I'm not sue I want to know though I am seriously thinking about a paternity test. I've raised her in the belief she was mine and love her very much. I don't know if I really want know but I am very upset about it this morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You are not doing what needs to be done,

Stop hiding behind your fears and call the OM's wife now, tell her everything. At this moment *your wife is running the show because she knows you are scared*. 

You have been talking about revenge and yet you you are afraid to do the exposure that will help you move on.

As for telling the family and children, tell them of your wifes affair. Again you write in anger here on the forum, channel that anger to do what has to be done. 

For your daughter, at this moment say nothing. Love her as your daughter and protect her.

Follow a few steps at a time, sort the OM out first,then if you have a concern about your daughter make sure you discuss this with your wife. She may lie or she may tell you the truth. It sounds a little suspect that the OM is your daughters god father and you now suspect he may be her genetic parent as well.

At a point in time you have to tell your daughter and ask her if she wants to know the truth by having a DNA test, even if she does not you may choose to have the test for your own peace of mind. 

My advice at the moment is a lot is happening and your emotions are flowing. You need to control yourself and think rationally and take baby steps.

Are you using the Plan A or the changes you have to make to help recover the marriage. ?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your Ws tactic of making you look like the bad guy with the MC and your kids has failed miserably. She is now being compliant so that she can bide her time and try another method later. She'll probably start pushing your buttons to get a bad reaction out of you, then she can play victim again.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

We had a long talk this morning and she admitted she wasn't sure about my daughter and then apologized knowing how wound up I was. I told her she did a good job of lying to me the two times I was sure something was going on. She apologized again and said that she would never lie again. I told her I went to church this
Morning looking for strength and came away with the decision I did not want to know because I loved my daughter too much and did not want knowing to change my feelings for her. I explained I needed some closure with the N C letter and notifying the OM wife and felt if she wouldn't do it she was still protecting him over my needs. She said she would get on it when we get he from our weekend out Of town. We will see
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I explained I needed some closure with the N C letter and notifying the OM wife and felt if she wouldn't do it she was still protecting him over my needs. *She said she would get on it when we get he from our weekend out Of town. We will see*


This is not a game of brinkmanship this is your marriage, another day another delay tomorrow another reason why it has not been done. This is not your wife's decision to hold back, this is you doing what has to be done. 

As this is the single highest priority for you to move forward, you can buy a sheet of paper and she can hand write the NC letter. if you require a sample I will post some for you.

This all goes back to the point that your wife is dictating the terms and you are not prepared to take the lead in saving your marriage. 

Your wife will never respect you if you carry on as you are, for your own well being you call the OM's wife and tell her of the affair. Hiding behind your wife to do so is not good for you, the NC letter is a confirmation of the ending of the affair and a commitment to rebuild your marriage, not an exposure letter.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

"the NC letter is a confirmation of the ending of the affair and a commitment to rebuild your marriage, not an exposure letter."

The letter will have more meaning if she writes it as it will show her commitment. I will see it before it is sent and will send it myself. We were out of town. In terms of telling his wife, again, if she agrees, which she did this morning, it shows she is no longer holding his feelings over mine and understands it's what I need for some closure. I needed that commitment from her as proof she is taking my feelings first and foremost regardless of how she feels.
It also proves my willingness to always have 100% agreement between us. She knows it is for me and that I wouldn't do it without her consent in spite of what she has done.

I won't let her delay, I told it needs done quickly and she agreed. SHe has a copy of a letter I drafted and is going to write it in her own words. So much the better - it will be from her 100%. NO backing out later that I wrote it or used a form letter and she didn't agree with it. The intent of what I wrote will be in there and she knows I require that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

8yc your situation has made me more angry than any that I have read. I hate to watch you, a good man, deal so honestly with a wife who continues to dodge truth. She is still not honesty and actively taking the initiative to do whatever she needs to do to ease your distress even while you stand by her. You have to practically beg her to do what she needs to do. How is that complete commitment to and love for you? 

I am not judging your wife, I don't understand her or her struggle, but I am angry for what you are enduring. I am afraid for you, and I just feel you must prepare yourself for her going back with the OM. I think you need to set boundaries on what you will tolerate. 

You have faith I see, so just believe that you will not be abandoned if you have to let this go. You will not be alone, you will recover and love will find you. Please don't take offense, I cannot help saying what I feel. The very best to you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

8,
Going back to your duaghter that you love;

My 21 year old had health issues, it was then we all had to address that issue, until then keep it on the down low, and be prepared. 

Sorry man


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Catherine602,
It has been a month since she has had contact with the OM and I'm certain of it. She did text him at the beggining of that month though I didn't see it and told him no contact. I want the letter to make it permanent and notification of his wife both for retribution for myself and out my own moral belief she deserves to know. She has revealed almost all of my questions to this point and is showing serious remorse and guilt as well as love for me. Last night she again apologized many times and cried herself to sleep. This a huge leap from the fog she was in month ago when she wouldn't tell me anything and continued to lie and contact him. It has been almost 2 months since discovery so I feel the progress is good. Thank you for your help and kind positive and self esteem building comments you have left me. I am not an highly religious person, as they say, there no atheists in a fox hole. I have gone to church to pray for strength and help in making it through this. Again thank you.

The guy - I know a time might come when we will have to be to be tested for medical reasons. Until then, it will be between my wife and I and I will not change in my behaviour or feelings towards my daughter. She will be MY daughter in my heart forever. Thank you for your support.

This week we will get the NC letter done and mailed certified return receipt. A day or tow after that, his wife will be contacted. Hate to ruin her Christmas but I want it done now.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Darn holidays. I have mixed feelings on that but on another forum to my situation someone posted. To tell my W to enjoy on last family holiday all together. 8 you have to do what's best for you but maybey his wife deserves the peace until the dayafter xmass. It's a tough one. But sadly she is going to feel our pain he is not. Just my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Say, 8yrs., I know that the future may look good for you and the W, but that daughter issue would kill me. But, even with all that, remember:
Any idiot with a pair between his legs can become a father, but it takes a real man to earn the right to be called "dad".
You have definitely gone above and beyond the call to earn that right.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Don't you think that your daughter should be made aware of this, so she can ask her own questions, about were she maybe came from ??? She might want her own test.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My take, with wolfs post is this, at fifteen her mind is going crazy and the horemone things is most likely off the chart, I would not add to the fire. For me, my situation was best addressed between mother and daughter,and least two or three boy friends in to our daughters life, there by giving her a better understanding about relationships. 


As far as the NC, for us it was a milestone in moving on with our marriage. This was a big part of the healing process. For us I couldn't expect her to write some twenty NC's, but the one..... the latest one was the important one. It was all about us really, screw the OM and his. And screw all those other vampires, for use its about the future.... about our new future together. I hope 8's wife sees this and quits worring about it. There are consequences to cheating. so she should put you big girl pants on and take the hit.

8, sorry for the rant, had some triggers today and found it tough to force out.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Just my opinion but if she is a happy teen news like this could possibly shatter her world. If the parenting situatgion is not going to change then I think you do what is best for the child. I would have been wrecked at 15 to find out something like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sophiasfriend (Oct 22, 2010)

disbelief said:


> Just my opinion but if she is a happy teen news like this could possibly shatter her world. If the parenting situatgion is not going to change then I think you do what is best for the child. I would have been wrecked at 15 to find out something like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Parents have issues all of the time that they don't reveal to their kids. If you're working on rebuilding I say don't tell your daughter...if divorce or separation becomes an issue then you probably should discuss it with her. 

...The unclear paternity is, of course, another issue all together. Tough one.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My daughter will NOT be told. Only if there is a medical issue that might require me to be a donor would I ever have paternity determined. She is MY daughter and I will continue to be her Dad regardless of whether or not this occurs. Unless it is life threatening for my daughter, the OM will NEVER be told there is a question.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think that may be best, you have a good relationship with your daughter, regardless of who is the biological dad. She is probably devastated enough by what has been going on, let her suffer no more.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Gave my wife this list of critical points for the NC letter and she agreed to do it. The only she didn't agree to was saying that she agreed to notify his wife, only that his wife would be notified. Told her I wanted this done ASAP and out of the way and she agreed.


You have decided to be completely honest and have told me everything.
We have decided to stay together permanently.
There will be no contact ever of ANY type - direct or indirect, for life with ANY member of our family. 
You will refuse any attempts at contact and notify me immediately.
He is not my daughters godfather anymore, no gifts or cards or anything.
His wife will be notified of the duration and the affair and that it is over.
Your or my name is NEVER to be revealed to anyone including his wife, we want no contact with her either.
Someone will contact your wife and tell her of the affair and duration.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Good luck with all that 8. I think you have more determination than I do at this point.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes congradulations and congrads to your wife for her renewed detemination in reconnecting with you and recommiting to the marriage. Its all about the future now, and growing old together

Does in it feel good to have your best friend agree with you? (sometimes)


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Yes it does - patience, stay the course and engage brain before opening mouth. Now we can start on the relationship issues that created the fertile ground for this.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

WEll at our last MC session she again refused to answer any more questions about where and when. SHe said she felt that I knew enough and more information would only lead me to keep the wounds open instead of moving forward. The MC said he counsels people to not ask too many questions because it causes more triggers and pain. WIth an affair that lasted 18 years, I still fell like a need a few more pieces of the puzzle and told her when we got home that I wouldn't pressure her but hoped she would eventually tell me. I plan on telling her that it's part of the honesty I need to see. The NC letter was delivered and signed for today. Next up, a letter to his wife. The NC said she would notified of the affair and duration. I hope for her sake he reveals it to her.

For the women who have been cheated on - my wife says her friends told her they wouldn't want to know. You most likely already do if your on this board. If you could turn back the clock, would you rather be kept in the dark? I know I wouldn't.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Weird thing about the truth-people demand it, yet when they get it, they wish they were never told. Work on the now and future with your wife and daughter, let the OM get grilled for a change.
In short, let it go.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm trying to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Weird thing about the truth-people demand it, yet when they get it, they wish they were never told. Work on the now and future with your wife and daughter, let the OM get grilled for a change.
> In short, let it go.


Agree 1000%!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would most definitely want to know! So that I had the truth and thus the ability to chart my own future.

fwiw, you should not have told HIM you were going to tell his wife. You should have just called her yourself and told her. By the time she gets your letter, he will have told his wife that you have gone over the bend and not to trust anything you say.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My wife is concerned she will tell too many people associated with her job as a teacher and cause her parent and job problems. Not much I could say other than if she starts harassing, I'll pull a restraining order. Otherwise, since it's over, I don't think anything will happen. I told my wife not to cross the bridge with worry until it comes up. She said she understood it's one of the consequences of what she did. Not concerned if he's not honest with his wife. Not my problem. I've cleared my conscience about her knowing. From this point forward it's about the future and our life together.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Things have been going very well. She has fallen deeply in love with me again and from everything I can tell has not had any contact with the OM since the letter to his wife or the NC letter. I can't seem to find anything that indicates she took it deeeper underground and I think she is being honest. She even discussed retaking our vows and has told me how sorry she is and wished she could take everything back. She has thanked me many times for "rescuing her" from what she was doing and taking her back. I still ahve times where I want to know more about the frequency and where but have been trying to put it aside. Our MC told us in the last session that he thoroughly surprised we are working through it. In our first sessions, he truly thought it was over. She hasa been being a lot more honest with me with her feelings. Here is hoping I'm not being taken for a fool again and this is all real.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After 13 years of my W cheating, we are also working it out. She is so transperant and open. I confronted her 10 months age and it was tough, but the rewards are awsome. For me it is really up to her (my W) that I don't get those same feelings of being taken a fool. I'm hip, its some scary sh*t, talk about faith. That and the knoldge that if she starts again I'll catcher again;-) sooner or later. But for know I believe her past behavior is in the past.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

By the way, its nice to have your best friend back, is in it?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It's fantastic. I feel like a teenage again. It's was real hard time getting to this point, but I feel like it's all been worth it. The guy, how do you shut down your feeelking when a question comes up or do you insist on an answer? SHe just wnats to put the past behind us and doesn't wnat to answer any more questions unless i push the point. It's been about 2 months since discovery day and it was 2 year with 2 men then 18 years with a "friend" of mine. Frequency still bothers me. DOn't really have more than infrequent and on and off.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In the beganing, I let her know the question, and then told her I need an answer this evening or the next day, depending on how painful it was for her. I never asked a bunch of questions all at once. Of course she would baulk, and I would explain why it would benifit us. Then that evening I would reidorate the benifits from her telling me, and ask the question and made a promise. She gave me the answer to the best she could, but least I got something and excepted it.[we all know deep down its half of what realy went on]

I will not discuss my best friend any more it is to painful for both of us. But I needed to know in the beganing of it all, I just kept it simple and quick, got it off both our chests, I still have questions, just can't ask them. ONS stand were tough on her but not as bad as my "friend"


If she's open enough the question will go away, it took about three month of discussion/interigations 10 months in and I have no more guestions. She told me all the ughly details that I needed/wanted to know. As time went on they started getting worse and worse so.......


Here are some of my favorite benifits for tell me;

1) I need to move on or heal so did you......

2) I find it interesting how hook ups work so.....

3) I want to be better or improve so tell me how....

4) I think I can do it better then OM so tell me....

5) Its exciting me to hear how you got it(ya I know sick)

6) If you want the marriage to work you'll tell me..... 

7) My imagination is running wild I need to know....

8) So you had multible guys at once or what....

9) You did it every day or when......

10) I will be impossible for me to move on and forgive with out these questions out of my mind forever, how did you..........

In short I just kept asking and if it was that bad for her not to tell me then I needed to move on, What are friends for, you need to tell and talk about things. You know get them of her chest.Thats just me. 

Don't forget to hold her, it will be tough, Promise not to hold it against her later on ( thats a big one). Once she gets going don't ruin it by getting mad. Just keep saying "wow, that interesting" or " yes, I get it" os "OK ,then what did you do". give her short response with engouraging words like wow, ok, and yes. Avoid asking her how she felt, or why she did it. If you need those two questions answered ,then you are a long way from being ready for details.

For me I had to promise not to leave her, it really took alot of reassurance from me. She was so worried about me getting hurt more, I told her the damage is done and that lets get on with the dirty stories, wierd I know but it worked.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

8,
Its only been 2 months, you folks still have alot to talk about. For us, not addressing the issues or putting the past behind us was part of the problem. When she stepped out side the marriage 13 years ago, we both should've stepped up and talked about the who's, whys, when,s and how.

Tell her this "it is the past so lets talk about it and both learn from it and put it behind us forever". She realy needs to understand that those question need to be out of your head forever, if not they will turn into resentment.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Great to hear things are good.
P.S., have you considered a new MC? The one you have now sounds like a charlatan. "Thoroughly surprised", indeed. That should be no surprise to any counselor that you could fix things. 

Just a little aside: my uncle is a divorce lawyer, and he had a case where the MC would admonish the couple to work it out, then talk to the W alone and strongly advise her to divorce, along with the business card of a "great, fair and impartial lawyer.
Both the Lawyer and the MC were brought up on charges because the lawyer was slipping portions of the D settlements to the MC!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The MC was basing his opinion on our 1st session where my wife made it very clear she was all done and wanted D. He then praised us and me especially for working so hard to stay together and said he firmly believed we would stay together in a much better relationship than most people have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Good to hear 8 hope even better things to come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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