# Hello-180 question



## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

Hi
I am new here and have seen lots of mentions of doing the 180. Most of the links that I have seen don't seem to be still active. I searched the site for 180 and see threads of people asking questions. I'm looking for the full thing.
Is it for people looking to reconcile it people looking to move on?
Thanks in advance!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It looks like a lot of links provided in the past on TAM were 'broken' when we moved to a new forum platform in the last month. So here is the text of the 180 for a the betrayed spouse.

============================================
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of _Divorce Busting_, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. 

*The 180

1.* Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

*2.* No frequent phone calls.

*3*. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

*4*. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

*5.* Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

*6.* Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

*7.* Don’t ask for reassurances.

*8.* Don’t buy or give gifts.

*9.* Don’t schedule dates together.

*10.* Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

*11.* Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

*12.* Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

*13.* Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

*14.* When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

*15. *If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

*16.* Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

*17.* Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

*18.* No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

*19.* All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

*20.* Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

*21.* Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

*22.* Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

*23.* Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

*24.* Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

*25.* Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

*26.* Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

*27.* Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest _CONSISTENT_ action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

*28.* Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

*29.* Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

*30.* Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

*31.* Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

*32.* Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

*33.* When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Filbertnut said:


> Is it for people looking to reconcile it people looking to move on?


Yes, and yes. The 180 may, sometimes, have an effect on a wayward spouse, however, its intent is solely for the betrayed spouse, to find a less-painful, healthier, more in-control emotional stance.

Practicing the 180 is when many BSs figure out they don't want to be married to someone morally turpid enough to commit adultery. Exit, stage right.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This is a link from @Affaircare 's site... The 180

Have you done any exposure?

Here is something else... No More Mr Nice Guy

Best


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filbertnut said:


> Hi
> I am new here and have seen lots of mentions of doing the 180. Most of the links that I have seen don't seem to be still active. I searched the site for 180 and see threads of people asking questions. I'm looking for the full thing.
> *Is it for people looking to reconcile it people looking to move on?*
> Thanks in advance!


It's for both. 

The idea is that if you are married to someone who will not give up an affair, you tell them that they have to give it up because you will not stay in a marriage with someone in an affair.

And then you start doing the 180. It's to protect yourself. If the cheating spouse then quits the affair, and you still love them and want to try for reconciliation, you do that. And you drop the 180. you cannot actively reconcile while doing the 180.

If you do the 180 and your cheating spouse does to give up the affair before you get to the point of falling out of love and or you get to the point where you just don't care and want a divorce, then you continue the 180 and file for divorce. You are done with the relationship.


----------



## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

Thanks for this. I'm not looking to reconcile right now. I'm looking to find a way to move on and stop acting based on my emotional state. Trying to rebuild my self esteem and develop a positive outlook for the future. Think I will try this out


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filbertnut said:


> Thanks for this. I'm not looking to reconcile right now. I'm looking to find a way to move on and stop acting based on my emotional state. Trying to rebuild my self esteem and develop a positive outlook for the future. Think I will try this out


If she is going to be around you, just come up with some pat answers and use them. That way you will not get sucked into anything with her that you regret later... Like if she complains about something "Hope you work it out." then just walk away not saying anything else.


----------



## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> If she is going to be around you, just come up with some pat answers and use them. That way you will not get sucked into anything with her that you regret later... Like if she complains about something "Hope you work it out." then just walk away not saying anything else.


That is a good idea. Right now we are separated but still living together. And I seem to be constantly in situations where she is complaining about something. Today is her birthday and I came home from work and basically said nothing. She is because I didn't say happy birthday. You'd think it would be obvious to her why I wouldn't bother.
But yes I do like the "hope you work it out" suggestion. That will come in handy


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filbertnut said:


> That is a good idea. Right now we are separated but still living together. And I seem to be constantly in situations where she is complaining about something. Today is her birthday and I came home from work and basically said nothing. She is because I didn't say happy birthday. You'd think it would be obvious to her why I wouldn't bother.
> But yes I do like the "hope you work it out" suggestion. That will come in handy


LOL... that's funny, I think.

One thing to keep in mind. You have children. She is their mother. You need to teach your children to treat their mother well even if you are unhappy with her. 

I always made sure that my son had a gift and card for his dad (my ex) for his birthday and holidays. I also did that with my stop children who lived with me full time. I made sure that they did this for their mother. I did not acknowledge the. But the children did. If you don't teach them to respect and threat her well, it will back fire on you.

Of course today, she is there. She could have done something with them. She could have baked a b-day cake for her and them to enjoy. You of course could have made sure that they had a card or some small gift for her. I realize that everything is very fresh right now. So this is probably something for you to consider in the future.

But you, na, there is no reason for you to even wish her happy birthday.


----------



## Filbertnut (Apr 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> LOL... that's funny, I think.
> 
> One thing to keep in mind. You have children. She is their mother. You need to teach your children to treat their mother well even if you are unhappy with her.
> 
> ...


Oh I agree with you 100 percent. The kids come first. They are the only reason why I have been civil with her up to this point. I actually did bake a cake for the kids to sing to her. I also made sure they made cards for her and they both got small gifts for her. Nothing from me though. 
And you are correct. Lol was the right reaction.
Actually I lied. I did say happy birthday. She has issues where it really annoys her when people chew food loudly. It drives her crazy...always has. She always gives dirty looks and actually gets really mad. Misophenia or something like that it's called. Anyways I was eating some nachos and she gave a dirty look. I smiled and said happy birthday. She says oh that's when you decide to say it. Lol I'm disappointed that I said it at all but it was worth it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filbertnut said:


> Oh I agree with you 100 percent. The kids come first. They are the only reason why I have been civil with her up to this point. I actually did bake a cake for the kids to sing to her. I also made sure they made cards for her and they both got small gifts for her. Nothing from me though.
> And you are correct. Lol was the right reaction.
> Actually I lied. I did say happy birthday. She has issues where it really annoys her when people chew food loudly. It drives her crazy...always has. She always gives dirty looks and actually gets really mad. Misophenia or something like that it's called. Anyways I was eating some nachos and she gave a dirty look. I smiled and said happy birthday. She says oh that's when you decide to say it. Lol I'm disappointed that I said it at all but it was worth it.


I think you did great! I think you saying happy birthday while you chewed loudly is pretty funny. At least you got a bit of fun out of all this.

You did a lot for her birthday... for the kids of course. But she still complains... smh.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm thinking that some of the following 'pat statements' from @farsidejunky might also be helpful:

"If you want to divorce, I understand, and I will miss you. I likely won't find anybody I love as much as you. But I will settle for somebody who can resolve their differences without threats and emotional abuse." (Can be modified to fit the situation.)

*I'm not okay with x (yelling, screaming, silent treatment, etc.).
Use this anytime she does something that she shouldn't, such as yelling or screaming at you.

*I'm sorry you feel that way.
Use this statement anytime she tells you you're a lousy husband, or some other nonsense. It is the perfect statement to deflect her anger back at her. It's effectively holding a mirror in front of her when she's raging.

*You do what you feel you have to do. I will do the same.
Use anytime she threatens divorce, or threatens anything for that matter. Again... Mirror... Reflection... Raging.

*Are you done?
Use this anytime you feel like you are about to repeat any of the first three.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Consequences suck.



Filbertnut said:


> That is a good idea. Right now we are separated but still living together. And I seem to be constantly in situations where she is complaining about something. Today is her birthday and I came home from work and basically said nothing. She is because I didn't say happy birthday. You'd think it would be obvious to her why I wouldn't bother.
> But yes I do like the "hope you work it out" suggestion. That will come in handy


----------

