# My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... ****wad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.

I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm sorry, this sounds awful. I'm very protective of my kids.. My spouse has anxiety so he easily becomes irritated and complains about everything even if it's a small positive for me. He looks up to his brothers so I had a conversation with one of them and LUCKILY spouse listened. We did attend counseling. His brother and therapist both told him to stop calling me names and stop being a nuisance to the kids. Spouse still has issues but it has 'toned' down a lot these last couple months. Has something happened that made him uptight? Perhaps at work? Can you make a marriage counseling appointment and the both of you go? If he refuses, you need to go for yourself? I agree it's no way to live for yourself or the kids.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

My spouse has anxiety issues as well though he doesn't even realize it. And nothing has changed! Well, with the exception of the baby being born. But, I don't get why that would make him change so much. I even do ALL overnight duty so my husband gets a solid nights sleep every night, even the weekends. He is just unpleasant to be around and acts like a child if I talk to him. ☹





cc48kel said:


> I'm sorry, this sounds awful. I'm very protective of my kids.. My spouse has anxiety so he easily becomes irritated and complains about everything even if it's a small positive for me. He looks up to his brothers so I had a conversation with one of them and LUCKILY spouse listened. We did attend counseling. His brother and therapist both told him to stop calling me names and stop being a nuisance to the kids. Spouse still has issues but it has 'toned' down a lot these last couple months. Has something happened that made him uptight? Perhaps at work? Can you make a marriage counseling appointment and the both of you go? If he refuses, you need to go for yourself? I agree it's no way to live for yourself or the kids.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

At least your spouse can sleep.. mine can't (worries). But you should try to get him in counseling. He is suffering and he takes it on his family-- your suffering too and need a solid partner. Perhaps, the 2 older ones could spend the night with grandma-- could help while you try to talk with him without any interruptions. Tell him that you really want to give marriage counseling a try. Good luck


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How are your finances?

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... ****wad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.
> 
> I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!


I'm a female and I'd probably blow my brains out with that many kids and the noise and clutter. What I'm saying is, not all of us find that type of atmosphere pleasant or pleasing, and he obviously does not.

But that doesn't give him the right to be verbally abusive to anyone or emotionally abusive to you. 

He's on a real short fuse. It sounds like he's THIS close to leaving to get cigarettes and never come back.

I don't know what the magic answer is. But the guy seriously needs to decompress. A new hobby? Therapy?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His new hobby can be taking care of the things he's whining about. He can pick up the messes in less time than it takes to get bent out of shape and rant. If he doesn't want kids making messes than he can take responsibility for his messes and get a vasectomy.


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## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Sounds like he needs some serious counseling, and a medical check up. ( Diabetes for example can change a persons behavior) 
Lay down the law and tell him the BS is over. 
Nobody should ever verbally abuse a child. 
I had a very difficult marriage and financial problems for years when I was young and never cursed my kids. 
Something has changed,convince him to seek outside help or get out.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... ****wad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.
> 
> I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!


When someone's behavior changes, I think your first course of action should be to see if there was some event that affected it, and how this might be fixed. 

I think both genders should have some space in a relationship to be moody and complain sometimes; I'm generalizing here, but it seems the cultural expectation is tbe husband is always supposed to be always laid back, emotionless, & oblivious to the situation at hand, while the wife runs around, intensely in tune to every single vibration in the house..

In my own experience though, while I would say I was A LOT less emotional than my XW, I was still affected in different ways (namely  a lack of space for myself, and stress due to work), and because my XW suffered from abandonment issues (and more) I was never able to talk about how I was feeling with her because it would frequently get twisted in her mind into me saying I was unhappy with her, and was therefore going to leave.

The truth was, I just needed more space to decompress after work, after we put our kid to sleep. I was happy coming home from work, helping with dinner, reading to our daughter, and putting her to sleep. After that, the expectation was I'd sit w/my wife and listen to her for hour or so I had left before I'd be too exhausted to stay up further. Mind you, we had dinner together and already talked... this was when I finally had _ME _time, after 9-10 hours of work, and another couple hours combined of helping with our family breakfast and dinner & bedtime routines. But to my XW, "ME time" translated as "he doesn't love me, or he'd want to spend ALL his time with me." *I say this* all to illustrate that maybe your husband is struggling with his feelings and emotions due to the circumstances of the moment; he can't be himself anymore, and it's affecting his behavior. 

I think if I could recommend a course of action on your part:

1) in a calm moment (such as after the kids are asleep and the house is quiet), bring up your concerns with him, and let him know this is not a moment he should dismiss without further actions on your part. *Politely* of course, because spouses should always be polite to eachother. 

Hopefully he listens and feels he can share why he's acting the way he is, and what would help. And you can mutually work out a solution.

With three young kids though, it's not always possible for a spouse to get time alone; you just have to grind through it together.

2) If he's dismissive of you again, or refuses to talk openly, or the talk is not fruitful, I think you need to suggest counseling for eachother, maybe individually as well. 

If that doesn't work, or he refuses to acknowledge there's a problem, well... you have to think about what you want, and what you can live with. fighting and being dismissive of eachother in front of the kids is bad, bad, bad, though, and if that doesn't stop, well, in my mind that's kind of a dealbreaker in a marriage. 

2a) the "d word" is a huge red flag; I hope neither of you gets pushed to the point of seriously considering it. But if that starts getting thrown around or mentioned by him, you need to start protecting yourself; consider what you would need to do and take care of on your own if it goes that route.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

There's something about that third kid that breaks people...


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Finances are a wee bit tight but all of our bills are paid on time and everyone is clothed and fed with a little left over. 




farsidejunky said:


> How are your finances?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

The kicker? He is one of the biggest sources of mess in our house. NOTHING he uses makes it to a garbage, he will leave wrappers and things in the counter despite having to pass a garbage on the way out of the kitchen. His used dishes remain where he sat and ate, etc. Then he freaks out when the house is a ****ing mess. But he refuses to amend his own behaviour that makes him upset.

And our kids, aside from our first have all been planned and had at times when he was on board and excited. I'm sorry for him but he can't just create a large family, make a god damned mess and then get pissed about a large family and mess 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤🧐




Blondilocks said:


> His new hobby can be taking care of the things he's whining about. He can pick up the messes in less time than it takes to get bent out of shape and rant. If he doesn't want kids making messes than he can take responsibility for his messes and get a vasectomy.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

My husband is the type of man that needs daily "me time" as well. And I respect and honor that. He is a busy guy that stresses easily so I never push for his "me time" which he gets everyday. Some days we hardly speak because once the day ends and the kids are in bed he's doing his own thing for hours while I deal with the 1000000 wake ups our baby does. 

We have talked at length and it's the same as it always is. He apologizes for his behaviour, reminds me of my failings as a parent, then apologizes again. 

But nothing ever changes.





TomNebraska said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... ****wad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> His new hobby can be taking care of the things he's whining about. He can pick up the messes in less time than it takes to get bent out of shape and rant. If he doesn't want kids making messes than he can take responsibility for his messes and get a vasectomy.


Thank you. 

It appears the OP H believes none of what he is complaining about is his responsibility.

OP, make it short and sweet with your H. Advise his behavior is abusive. Constant yelling at the family members is abusive. He can look it up on the web if he likes. Anger issues. He has them. 

Another OP asked. How are the finances?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> My husband is the type of man that needs daily "me time" as well. And I respect and honor that. He is a busy guy that stresses easily so I never push for his "me time" which he gets everyday. Some days we hardly speak because once the day ends and the kids are in bed he's doing his own thing for hours while I deal with the 1000000 wake ups our baby does.
> 
> We have talked at length and it's the same as it always is. He apologizes for his behaviour, reminds me of my failings as a parent, then apologizes again.
> 
> But nothing ever changes.


Sorry you find yourself in this situation. What is he doing for ''me time?'' Is his ''me time'' sitting in front of a computer screen or scrolling through his phone for hours? The fact that he spends ''hours'' away from you ''after the day ends'' is telling. I ask, because people just don't change over night, unless something is causing it. Or someone. I don't want to make you paranoid, but just keep an eye on how often he's on his phone, etc. I've read so many stories on here, where spouses suddenly ''change'' and become distant, argumentative, abusive even...and 9 times out of 10, there was always another person involved. Maybe not an affair, but someone else in the background, distracting them...making them wish they were single again. Just something to consider. 

I would suggest marriage counseling, and if he balks at it, I'd keep insisting, because the marriage won't last if he keeps treating you like this, and eventually your kids will pick up on the tension, too. If not already.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It might be a good idea to remind your husband that you're actually picking up after 4 kids since he acts like one. Since when did you become his maid? He's acting like an entitled twit. Call him on it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

His behavior makes me very suspicious that he has a girlfriend. I don’t care if he’s home every night, people make time to cheat. 




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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Well I found out why, at least part of why, he has been acting like he is frustrated with his whole life. He’s back to spending hours a day pouring over porn and fetish sites. This has been a huge issue for our marriage and I nearly divorced him over it 2 years ago. He watches it, expects me to act like his pornstars do, then gets visibly bored/frustrated that I’m not as good as he expected it to be. I can’t believe I didn’t see this. Our sex life has dropped like a rock again, and now I know why. I could FEEL a shift in him, but my stupid ass trusted a pathological liar. Two year of him avoiding it and working on us, TWO ****ING YEARS, and now I’m back to feeling paranoid. 

I’m getting to ****ing old to deal with this stupid ****. I don’t get why he is still with me, he clearly doesn’t respect my feelings.

AND before anyone tells me everyone watches porn and I should be fine with it, save your breath.
I am NOT fine with it. Pain is pain and I have tried so many times to accept it as a part of my life/relationship so I could move forward but I CANT. Like it or not, it HURTS ME. I feel totally betrayed, like I’ve been cheated in and no amount of telling me I shouldn’t will make the pain stop. 

I don’t know if I can go through this again.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

mhm?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

No one, expects you to remain in a marriage, that your not happy in. The only thing you should do To stop this is leave. Now are you going to? Or remain in the relationship with frustration and anger, waiting to see if he'll change?


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> mhm?


That's a typo. Typed in "my life" and that appeared ? Odd.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I found out late last night and my son woke up a couple hours later vomiting. I've been preoccupied. I feel like I'm an idiot if I stay, but I want to believe there is hope.
He used to be my best friend. Imagining a life without him seems, wrong. 

But,

Maybe that just makes me pathetic. 

My heart hurts.




Tilted 1 said:


> No one, expects you to remain in a marriage, that your not happy in. The only thing you should do To stop this is leave. Now are you going to? Or remain in the relationship with frustration and anger, waiting to see if he'll change?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*"He used to be my best friend. Imagining a life without him seems, wrong."*

You're already living a life without him. He's deep in his addiction and you're the maid.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Saibasu said:


> I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I found out late last night and my son woke up a couple hours later vomiting. I've been preoccupied. I feel like I'm an idiot if I stay, but I want to believe there is hope.
> He used to be my best friend. Imagining a life without him seems, wrong.
> 
> But,
> ...


No you must stop, putting your self down, he was someone different a time ago but not he's exactly what he want to be. Your no pathetic, at all but rather let down that he didn't keep his side of your love alive. But we are here to strengthen you in the NEW hard decisions you must choose for yourself. Thats it we're a sounding board that all. He here have all felt the disconnect you ar currently undergoing, and we know it not easy to go though , but go through we must even when it's not something we want or deserve. We're here for you!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You're not pathetic for wanting a life with your best friend. And I'm really sorry about this discovery.

Have you told him you know?

And if you're not comfortable with porn in your marriage, that's all that matters--doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

What happened when you discovered this problem the first time? Did he suffer any consequences?

If you can't go through it a second time, you don't have to, you know.

I'm not going to sugar coat it--I think you should replace your hope with realism and start picturing your life without him. Start making plans to move forward to disentangle yourself from this man. He is no longer your best friend. You will forever be in competition with an unattainable fantasy.

I'm so sorry. I know it's so hurtful.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

It's been two years since his last time but it's definitely not his second time. He has done this to me dozens of times in the past but he always kept it up. I thought the last time 2 years ago was different because I wanted a divorce and was following through. It was rough but for the first time he seemed genuine and I can spot a snake for miles. Then over two years of 100% honesty and open devices and zero issues. Then out of the blue he started again two weeks ago and I caught him last night. Normally in the past he would lie and deny until I was losing my mind, but last night he looked me in the face and was straight with me, said he ****ed up, and hates himself for it. He has never fessed up to it willingly before.

A part of me wants to forgive him. And an equal part of me doesn't want to go through the torturous journey back to trust just for him to crush it on a whim again in the future. 

I'm frozen. I'm scared. I'm hurt. And I'm longing for the man I once had.
I feel like my head is going to explode.




lucy999 said:


> You're not pathetic for wanting a life with your best friend. And I'm really sorry about this discovery.
> 
> Have you told him you know?
> 
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You can forgive him and still divorce him, forgiveness doesnt mean you have to stay and put up with this crap over and over.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You don't have to make a decision right this minute. After all, this is your future we are talking about. Process it and then make decisions. It's not a good idea to make them when you're in such an emotional state.

I will say this, though. I think you're really reaching and grasping at very little (him confessing right away) to enable you to forgive him. Give yourself more than that. Way more than that.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Saibasu said:


> Well I found out why, at least part of why, he has been acting like he is frustrated with his whole life. He’s back to spending hours a day pouring over porn and fetish sites. This has been a huge issue for our marriage and I nearly divorced him over it 2 years ago. He watches it, expects me to act like his pornstars do, then gets visibly bored/frustrated that I’m not as good as he expected it to be. I can’t believe I didn’t see this. Our sex life has dropped like a rock again, and now I know why. I could FEEL a shift in him, but my stupid ass trusted a pathological liar. Two year of him avoiding it and working on us, TWO ****ING YEARS, and now I’m back to feeling paranoid.
> 
> I’m getting to ****ing old to deal with this stupid ****. I don’t get why he is still with me, he clearly doesn’t respect my feelings.
> 
> ...


By the sounds of it, you’ve dealt with this before, and he knows your feelings about him watching porn. Is his habit excessive, as in everyday for hours? Not that it matters, if it hurts you, it hurts you. I’m just trying to gauge if this is something that he needs a therapist’s help with. 

No one can tell you what to do, or how you should handle this situation; only you can be the judge of that. Does he know that it almost destroyed your marriage 2 years ago? He’s disrespecting you in a major way with this.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You can forgive him and still divorce him, forgiveness doesnt mean you have to stay and put up with this crap over and over.


Exactly; forgiveness isn't for him, it's for you because you deserve to be free.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This is not only about him watching porn. This is about how he treats you. When he watches porn, it messes with his brain and he treats you badly. I'm anti-porn to begin with, but this is about more than him watching porn. It's about what it does to him and by extension to you and the family. Addictions hurt more than the addict.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Also, you aren't being paranoid. Paranoia is an irrational fear. Your fear isn't irrational. How you are feeling isn't irrational. Your thoughts and feelings are based on a very real betrayal. He has been acting like you are the one with the problem and giving you a hard time rather than joining with you in keeping the family healthy and functional.

Definitely forgive him, but if you don't want to continue being married to him, you are well within your rights to divorce him. He deserted you and the marriage by turning to porn and away from you. He has done this repeatedly.

This may seem like an emergency right now, because emotions are high, but it's not an emergency. Focus on taking care of the issues at hand and don't feel like you have to do something immediately. In the meantime, tell your husband that you expect him to step up and do his job in caring for the home and family just like you do. If he's truly sorry, he needs to step up right now. That doesn't mean you are considering reconciliation. That means you are expecting him to behave like a responsible adult.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s an addict. Temporary change is the easy part. Permanent change is another story. He didn’t/doesn’t want a divorce so he appeared to change but he really didn’t. He just managed to suppress it for awhile. 

You’ll have to decide if it’s worth trying again to make it work with him (and maybe again and again and again for the rest of your life — obviously there are no guarantees when you’re dealing with addicts).


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I know im grasping, it's the desperation to hold onto my marriage. I definitely need to wait until I call down to decide what going to happen for sure. We were supposed to move in the nearish future far away from my family for work and my masters degree.

Things were going so well between us, we had made huge plans together that we are in the middle of so all of this throws a massive wrench into everything and adds so many confusing elements.



lucy999 said:


> You don't have to make a decision right this minute. After all, this is your future we are talking about. Process it and then make decisions. It's not a good idea to make them when you're in such an emotional state.
> 
> I will say this, though. I think you're really reaching and grasping at very little (him confessing right away) to enable you to forgive him. Give yourself more than that. Way more than that.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Yes I've dealt with this for years and he has known from day ONE my stance on porn.

He spends hours EVERY day at it. And then become dissapointed with our sex life.

I told him point blank I want a divorce last time and I got my affairs in order. But we worked through it slowly and painfully. I think before it he didn't respect how serious I was. 
And it stopped for the first time, for over 2 years. Until 2 weeks ago.

I have asked him over and over WHY, and he doesn't know why. I honestly think he has a real, actual compulsion about it.



Ursula said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > Well I found out why, at least part of why, he has been acting like he is frustrated with his whole life. He’s back to spending hours a day pouring over porn and fetish sites. This has been a huge issue for our marriage and I nearly divorced him over it 2 years ago. He watches it, expects me to act like his pornstars do, then gets visibly bored/frustrated that I’m not as good as he expected it to be. I can’t believe I didn’t see this. Our sex life has dropped like a rock again, and now I know why. I could FEEL a shift in him, but my stupid ass trusted a pathological liar. Two year of him avoiding it and working on us, TWO ****ING YEARS, and now I’m back to feeling paranoid.
> ...


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

This resonates so much. But I honestly feel like he is ashamed of himself, like he wants to stop, but can't. 

Or maybe that's just me grasping at ****ing straws again.

Is there any hope of permanent change? Ever? How do I go about trying to discern if this is salvageable? I'm a stubborn woman, if there is hope I feel like I owe it to my marriage to explore it. 

I don't hate him. I don't think I could ever hate him. I still love him, or the idea of him.... I don't know.

I feel so stupid. 



Openminded said:


> He’s an addict. Temporary change is the easy part. Permanent change is another story. He didn’t/doesn’t want a divorce so he appeared to change but he really didn’t. He just managed to suppress it for awhile.
> 
> You’ll have to decide if it’s worth trying again to make it work with him (and maybe again and again and again for the rest of your life — obviously there are no guarantees when you’re dealing with addicts).


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> I told him point blank I want a divorce last time and I got my affairs in order. But we worked through it slowly and painfully. I think before it he didn't respect how serious I was.
> And it stopped for the first time, for over 2 years. Until 2 weeks ago.


Are you saying he's only been back at this for two weeks? Your OP said that he's been behaving like this for 7 months. If he said it's only been two weeks, he's lying to you.

It is possible that he has an actual porn addiction. 

Do you want a divorce or are you unsure?

I don't think you are stupid. You are an optimist who believes in repentance.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> We were supposed to move in the nearish future far away from my family for work and my masters degree.


I suggest you halt all plans for this until you figure out what you're going to do with the marriage. If you decide to divorce him, you will need the support of your family.

That he spends hours viewing porn sure sounds like an addiction to me. I can't imagine viewing porn for hours.

I realize this has just been discovered. But has your husband come up with a plan for treatment for this addiction? Therapy? Anything? He needs to bring some solutions to the table. Or at least try to.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

This would be the last straw for me I think. 

But if you decide you want to forgive him. Then he needs to start helping with the house and kids instead of the porn for hours everyday. Me time doesn't have to include electronic devices. Have you visited the 'your brain on sex site' there are actual changes from long term use. In addition you guys need to work on your relationship. Do you date? Do you get a sitter and spend time together alone? 

I wouldn't want to have to be the computer / porn police and I wouldn't want to worry that every time my husband didn't initate sex or if the sex wasn't stellar that I was being compared to some fetish site especially after just having a baby. You are obviously a strong woman and you care about who he used to be or who you thought he was. It is really up to him to figure out how to regain your trust and be a better husband and partner. 3 kids is a lot of juggle and having a man child doesn't help. 

I wish I had better ideas. I could say next time he leaves a dish. Just remind him to take it to the kitchen after a while it will be a habit and you won't need to remind him. But who really wants to have to train their husband like you have to train your children? Plus he'd probably just resent it anyway.

You deserve better.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This book might be of help: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/098327133X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Saibasu said:


> This resonates so much. But I honestly feel like he is ashamed of himself, like he wants to stop, but can't.
> 
> Or maybe that's just me grasping at ****ing straws again.
> 
> ...


I understand. It’s not easy to let go of someone you love. I wanted very much to believe the cheater I was married to would change and he kept promising he would. I spent (wasted) decades hoping things would finally be different but it never happened. 

Yes, there are people who really do change permanently but unfortunately there aren’t that many. Permanent change is difficult so it’s easy to fall back into the same old patterns. I wish I could offer more encouragement but I’ve seen too much to think the odds are good that he’ll succeed. I’m sorry.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

He's been more insufferable for the last 7 months but being back at porn again has been 2 weeks. Trust me, it restarted 2 weeks ago, I checked EVERYTHING. Living with him this long has turned me into a professional spy.

I don't know if I want a divorce truly. The idea is so obscure to just two days ago when we were house hunting half way across the country..

I think I'm still in shock as I really believed this horrible chapter of my life was finally closed.




Cynthia said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > I told him point blank I want a divorce last time and I got my affairs in order. But we worked through it slowly and painfully. I think before it he didn't respect how serious I was.
> ...


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

For sure. All house hunting and planning has completely stopped. I'm too trusting but I'm not completely insane.

There is no plan. Not yet. He has just been quietly taking care of everything. He even cleaned the house and made dinner. Not that he gets a gold star, I just think he believes he is doing something productive. But counselling is no longer optional for me. He will go to marriage counseling with me to see if it can be saved or I will leave him.



lucy999 said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > We were supposed to move in the nearish future far away from my family for work and my masters degree.
> ...


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

This is what I'm afraid of. I have already invested 13 years into us, I'm terrified that 20 years from now I'm going to be sat here on TAM crying over how stupid I was to waste my life on a dead end relationship.

I want SO BADLY to fix things, but it's out of my hands, I cannot force him to respect me. 

I literally feel like my heart is being ripped out through my ribcage.





Openminded said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > This resonates so much. But I honestly feel like he is ashamed of himself, like he wants to stop, but can't.
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I wouldn't go to marriage counseling. He needs individual counseling. Marriage counseling isn't going to do any good unless he has made personal progress. You can make it a requirement that he goes to individual counseling and that you are welcome to observe at any time. There are therapists that deal directly with sex addiction. There are programs available as well, but he needs the accountability of individual counselings and perhaps group therapy along with that. I wouldn't recommend a sex addicts group other than one run by his individual counselor where it is tightly moderated and controlled.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

That's a good idea. He needs to get his **** together within himself before there is any hope of fixing us. I'm going to talk to him first thing in the morning.




Cynthia said:


> I wouldn't go to marriage counseling. He needs individual counseling. Marriage counseling isn't going to do any good unless he has made personal progress. You can make it a requirement that he goes to individual counseling and that you are welcome to observe at any time. There are therapists that deal directly with sex addiction. There are programs available as well, but he needs the accountability of individual counselings and perhaps group therapy along with that. I wouldn't recommend a sex addicts group other than one run by his individual counselor where it is tightly moderated and controlled.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Now that you know he has been looking at porn for only 2 weeks, why do you think he has been treating you badly for 7 months? 

He is not going to continue quietly doing his share around the house. He will revert back to his real self.

You are young, married to an addict, and man who is lazy and nasty to you and your children. You are correct that if you remain with this man, in 20 years you will still be living in the same misery as you are living in right now. It may be even worse in 20 years.

A man who is on the verge of divorce over porn then goes back to it two years later is not a man who is going to quit lying and never lie again. He is who he is.

You have a difficult road ahead no matter what you do. If you stay, it will continue to be this way, even if it is only cyclical.

If you divorce him, you will go through a really tough time, but then you will find your new groove, which will not include all the pain he is causing and has been causing.

I feel bad for you. I wish you had easier choices.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I agree with you. And I know about the lasting effects, I have been on this ride for years so I've spent countless hours reading.

Just after having a baby makes it harder. I just went to my family physician last week to get help with my anxiety and depression. First time since I was 17 that I can't cope. And now this.

We don't date. And I believe the disconnect along with all the stressors and changes when are dealing with are again partly responsible for his boorish behaviour for the last few months. 

But I will not go back to spending hours a day surfing through all our devices to find hidden porn. I can't ****ing do it again. 

I am mentally drained. And utterly ruined.




Anastasia6 said:


> This would be the last straw for me I think.
> 
> But if you decide you want to forgive him. Then he needs to start helping with the house and kids instead of the porn for hours everyday. Me time doesn't have to include electronic devices. Have you visited the 'your brain on sex site' there are actual changes from long term use. In addition you guys need to work on your relationship. Do you date? Do you get a sitter and spend time together alone?
> 
> ...


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

So, he is addicted to porn.

Make him addicted to you.

Send him naughty pics of you doing those things. Redirect him. 

Try to meet him half way and see what happens.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I don't want to meet him half way. Not with this. I have no problem, when I feel comfortable and safe with him again, having fun this way, but I'm not going to beg him to look at me instead. This is non negotiable to me and a complete deal breaker other wise. 



a_new_me said:


> So, he is addicted to porn.
> 
> Make him addicted to you.
> 
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

a_new_me said:


> So, he is addicted to porn.
> 
> Make him addicted to you.
> 
> ...




Sorry, but gross. Just no. (In this situation)




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> So, he is addicted to porn.
> 
> Make him addicted to you.
> 
> ...


This does not work, furthermore, it is called the "pick me" game, which is demeaning.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> His behavior makes me very suspicious that he has a girlfriend. I don’t care if he’s home every night, people make time to cheat.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My thoughts too but I didn't want to say. He may be getting some attention elsewhere and finds it annoying to be home and reminded of his responsibilities. People on the threshold of an affair often need a justification for one. Keep your eyes and ears open, he is being a real turd and you should not have to put up with that behaviour.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> Well I found out why, at least part of why, he has been acting like he is frustrated with his whole life. He’s back to spending hours a day pouring over porn and fetish sites. This has been a huge issue for our marriage and I nearly divorced him over it 2 years ago. He watches it, expects me to act like his pornstars do, then gets visibly bored/frustrated that I’m not as good as he expected it to be. I can’t believe I didn’t see this. Our sex life has dropped like a rock again, and now I know why. I could FEEL a shift in him, but my stupid ass trusted a pathological liar. Two year of him avoiding it and working on us, TWO ****ING YEARS, and now I’m back to feeling paranoid.
> 
> I’m getting to ****ing old to deal with this stupid ****. I don’t get why he is still with me, he clearly doesn’t respect my feelings.
> 
> ...


So sorry.....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> So, he is addicted to porn.
> 
> Make him addicted to you.
> 
> ...


Seriously, you are advising her to address an addict on this level. He has an addiction (porn, drugs, alcohol) the script is the same. The addict puts themselves first and do not see the awful damage they are doing. hy should she act as a porn star for his benefit that is belittling and degrading. You have obviously no experience with addicts, this is demeaning advice.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

It's been a rough few days. But **** me I still love the prick. I have called off our move across country. He knows how serious this is. I still don't know if I can stay with him. I've told him I need time.

I hate how hard everything must always be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What did he say about going to counseling?


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

aine said:


> Seriously, you are advising her to address an addict on this level. He has an addiction (porn, drugs, alcohol) the script is the same. The addict puts themselves first and do not see the awful damage they are doing. hy should she act as a porn star for his benefit that is belittling and degrading. You have obviously no experience with addicts, this is demeaning advice.




Yes, I did.

Some people have different needs.

They need to discuss that, and I am sorry, but if it was me, I would be taking sexy pics and sending them to my SO to meet him half way instead of having to sign divorce papers.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> Yes, I did.
> 
> Some people have different needs.
> 
> ...


That's like sitting with a bottle of whiskey when your Alcoholic comes home and inviting them to drink in order to save your marriage


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> Yes, I did.
> 
> Some people have different needs.
> 
> They need to discuss that, and I am sorry, but if it was me, I would be taking sexy pics and sending them to my SO to meet him half way instead of having to sign divorce papers.


This is foolishness.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> So, he is addicted to porn.
> 
> Make him addicted to you.
> 
> ...


If her husband was addicted to heroin or alcohol, what would you recommend to the OP? Porn addition is like any other addiction, it hurts the person addicted and those around him/her. I doubt anyone would suggest for the OP to drink along with her husband, or do drugs with him, until he snaps out of it. I wonder why so many people view porn addiction somehow as set apart from all other addictions.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> If her husband was addicted to heroin or alcohol, what would you recommend to the OP? Porn addition is like any other addiction, it hurts the person addicted and those around him/her. I doubt anyone would suggest for the OP to drink along with her husband, or do drugs with him, until he snaps out of it. I wonder why so many people view porn addiction somehow as set apart from all other addictions.


I agree...like they are some kind of disease.
Addiction can be changed with something better to do. 
It's a miracle we are not all addicted to a drug or other other destructive behavior. That's the real truth. 
What are we doing that they are not?? 
Something better. 
Drugs, porn, etc....is better than boredom. 

She should send him pics just because he's her husband, if that's what he wants. 
This mentality of symptom scrubbing is, well.....over played.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, What are you going to do about your behavior and feelings?
It's really the only thing you control.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> I agree...like they are some kind of disease.
> Addiction can be changed with something better to do.
> It's a miracle we are not all addicted to a drug or other other destructive behavior. That's the real truth.
> What are we doing that they are not??
> ...


I think some here have missed the point that he doesn't seem all that interested in her...rolling his eyes when he's around her, etc. I don't believe porn addiction is because a spouse isn't ''interesting'' or ''sexy'' enough. And even if that were the case, would you want to be with a person who viewed you as merely a means to an end? She sends him pics, and that's what he sees in her...her value is in fulfilling all of his sexual fantasies?

I don't think marriage is about that. He doesn't value marriage or his wife, so telling the OP to humiliate herself so her husband will stop viewing porn is just...well, bad advice, if you ask me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She should send him pics if he requests them AND she wants to. Just because he wants them doesn't mean she has to comply - it is her body that will be on display and God only knows what he winds up doing with them.

A word of caution: if you have these on your phone and need a new phone or work on it or whatever, there are technicians at the phone store that are less than honorable. This is a fact. So before you get all sexy and start snapping pics - think about it. Of course, he wouldn't need pics if he bothered to actually look at her body once in a while. And, don't even start with the "men are visual" crap. So are women, but, fortunately we don't have instant amnesia and need constant reminders of what we just saw.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Saibasu said:


> It's been a rough few days. But **** me I still love the prick. I have called off our move across country. He knows how serious this is. I still don't know if I can stay with him. I've told him I need time.
> 
> I hate how hard everything must always be.



@Saibasu


How are you doing?

If your husband is serious about stopping his problems with porn, he needs to get counseling from someone who understands the issue with porn addiction and how to stop the obsession. This is becoming a big problem in our society.

I also think that you two need to go to marriage counseling together so you can negotiate with him through this. You might not need to go all that often to marriage counseling, but just enough to help you navigate through this all with him.

*Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction*


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Thanks for checking in. I'm... Well, ok I guess. Three kids keep me distracted. We have had a long, very hard talk. It was quite eye opening honestly. 

DH agrees he has a problem with it and has agreed to and I'm quoting him "do whatever it will take to keep you here". So counselling is going to happen, both individual and marriage. 

For the time being, my husband has been trying to reconnect with me. He's not an emotional man, not even the slightest, so it's been nice to see him try. 

He has even apologized to our son for being a "bad daddy".

I don't know what the future looks like anymore, which is crazy to feel.

I plan on keeping busy and suffering no more in silence. He will amend his behaviour or will have to step aside to let another man do so. 

I am not a consolation prize.

Cheers.






EleGirl said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > It's been a rough few days. But **** me I still love the prick. I have called off our move across country. He knows how serious this is. I still don't know if I can stay with him. I've told him I need time.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Saibasu said:


> Thanks for checking in. I'm... Well, ok I guess. Three kids keep me distracted. We have had a long, very hard talk. It was quite eye opening honestly.
> 
> DH agrees he has a problem with it and has agreed to and I'm quoting him "do whatever it will take to keep you here". So counselling is going to happen, both individual and marriage.
> 
> ...


Sounds good. Keep strong. 

I've read things from guys who went through the counseling and process for ending their porn addition. It generally involves no porn use or sex for a few months. My understanding is that porn uses causes the body to produce and uptake large amounts of feel-good hormones like dopamine. For this reason, it affect the person much like drug addiction does. By stopping all viewing/using porn and sex, it lets the body stop the over production of feel-good hormones and lets the body adjust to lower levels.

Then, once they start having sex again with their partner, they can enjoy it and not depend on the high level of feel-good hormones.

That info I posted talks about all this.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Yes I've been reading up on it a lot. And I 100% feel like this is a real addiction for him. 

And there certainly won't be any porn or sex here in this house for a good ****ing while. I will not be compared to actresses pretending to enjoy being humiliated for the sole happiness of the inflated ego of the man they are with. NOPE.

Not a chance.

And while I respect this is a real addiction like any other, I will not tolerate it any more. I've given him 5 YEARS worth of chances.
I have been patient. But this is the very LAST time I'm willing to put up with it,addiction or not I know what I can live with, and this isn't it.







EleGirl said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for checking in. I'm... Well, ok I guess. Three kids keep me distracted. We have had a long, very hard talk. It was quite eye opening honestly.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Saibasu said:


> Yes I've been reading up on it a lot. And I 100% feel like this is a real addiction for him.
> 
> And there certainly won't be any porn or sex here in this house for a good ****ing while. I will not be compared to actresses pretending to enjoy being humiliated for the sole happiness of the inflated ego of the man they are with. NOPE.
> 
> ...


Your stance on this is good and strong.

There does some a time with addicts we have to take a strong trough love stance. It usually means cutting them out of our life. It sounds like you are on the cusp of that. Hopefully your husband takes this seriously. While you can give him support emotional support, it's 100% up to him to work on himself.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Exactly. I have done all I can. I cannot FORCE him to honor me and our marriage, I cannot force him to work on himself and amend his behaviours, and I can't force him to try. 

That's been the hardest part. Having zero control over whether or not he throws out our 13 year relationship. He knows this is it, there is no more forgiveness left in me, but I find myself distancing myself from him, to be ready Incase he continues with his bull****.

I don't trust him, and it's killing me. I simply don't want to let myself feel safe because of how many times he's repeated the same crap.

I feel ready to move on if it comes to that.





EleGirl said:


> Saibasu said:
> 
> 
> > Yes I've been reading up on it a lot. And I 100% feel like this is a real addiction for him.
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep it’s time for him to step up or step away. Good for you for showing such strength. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Moderator Note:. Please stop the thread jack. If you'd like to discuss whether porn addiction exists then start a new thread.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Saibasu said:


> Exactly. I have done all I can. I cannot FORCE him to honor me and our marriage, I cannot force him to work on himself and amend his behaviours, and I can't force him to try.
> 
> That's been the hardest part. Having zero control over whether or not he throws out our 13 year relationship. He knows this is it, there is no more forgiveness left in me, but I find myself distancing myself from him, to be ready Incase he continues with his bull****.
> 
> ...


Of course you don't trust him. He has done nothing to show you that he is trustworthy. In face, he has shown you that you can't trust him. Don't try to trust someone - ever. If you have to try, something is wrong. Either he's trustworthy or not. It's not your job to try to trust him when he has blown it.

Trying to feel safe in an unsafe situation is - unsafe. You are not safe with this man. The only way you ever will be is if he does the work to repent, but that is going to be a lot of work, because he's going to have to face what's inside of him and resolve it. None of this is within your control.

It's way to early to even be thinking about trust. There is none. There is actually distrust, which is perfectly fine and normal. He earned your distrust. That is the position that he has to work from if he wants to ever have a happy marriage.

Here's an article I wrote on trust that you might find helpful: Can You Ever Trust Him Again? | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> She should send him pics if he requests them AND* she wants to*.


Excellent point.
She is probably less interested in him than she seems.


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