# How many cheat 2x or more?



## username101 (Jun 14, 2012)

I wanted this to be separate from my original thread as I hope that it might benefit others.

How many WS cheat more than once? Is there a percentage out there? A ballpark figure? A reason why it would be 2x or more? And is there any pattern that goes with those who would cheat more than once?

Not having cheated, I can't say. I've read articles saying that cheating once and then realizing the error of your ways pushes you to love your spouse more. I don't know where they're getting their research from, but I wonder how true it could be.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Just my humble opinion, but one of the reasons may be an exiting strategy. 

And another, a desire to garner attention from the opposite sex, usually by cheating. I think attetion seeking like this can be addicting. Hence people with multiple EAs or online affairs going on all at once.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My h did. I can't count how many. So sick! He told my 14/15 year old child proudly that he had 3 affairs on his current wife. I'm guessing it's been much more because she knew of the 3 women. My ex disgusts me! Bleh!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't know that I've ever seen any stats on what percentage of cheaters are serials versus one-timers. 

But, I do think there is a big difference between someone who cheats once and someone who cheats multiple times. And I think it's possible to determine that difference by really looking back at the entire relationship with true clarity. A one-time cheater can sometimes be made to realize what he or she has done to their spouse and can become remorseful and make the necessary changes to their personal boundaries to help prevent another affair ever happening. A serial cheater, though, often seems to feel that they deserve to have a little extra on the side, they're entitled to it. They don't really care about the pain they're causing, or at least not enough to prevent them cheating again and again. Boundaries are incompatible with their world view, so they don't have any and don't like it when others do. The cheating is not about the spouse or the marriage, it's all about them. About something that's broken in them - that they don't see as a problem and don't want to fix. 

Basically, a one-time cheater is behaving selfishly, while a serial cheater is usually a _selfish person_. That's why there's little hope of a true R with a serial cheater. Because they too often fundamentally don't want to stop, don't believe they should have to, and don't really care about the pain their behavior causes. Whether it's an impulse control problem, an addictive personality, or true narcissism, a serial cheater in most cases simply doesn't have what it takes to generate the empathy and remorse required to truly R and never do it again.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

username101 said:


> I wanted this to be separate from my original thread as I hope that it might benefit others.
> 
> How many WS cheat more than once? Is there a percentage out there? A ballpark figure? A reason why it would be 2x or more? And is there any pattern that goes with those who would cheat more than once?
> 
> Not having cheated, I can't say. I've read articles saying that cheating once and then realizing the error of your ways pushes you to love your spouse more. I don't know where they're getting their research from, but I wonder how true it could be.


I agree with Rowan that there is likely a difference between a one time cheater and a serial cheater. 

The problem is however that once someone crosses that boundary and sees how easy it is to cover it up for at least some period of time before getting caught, it becomes easier to do it again. 

Also, they have likely learned to cover their tracks better. 

Lastly, they get a taste of the first date feeling again and may become addicted to it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I guess it depends on your definition of cheating and what exactly you consider a 'time'. My hubby had multiple on line encounters but only one physical one. But the physical one happened after D day. Would you count each online persona as one time? Or is the whole online thing one time, since it was a progression?


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I became a serial. When I crossed the line I went crazy and had or developed a sex addiction. I quit counting at 20 different women and there were several after that. At least 17 were with married women. I was ambushed, punched, and threatened with murder. I didn't care. I was nuts, and drowning in blinding passion and desire to prove my self worth and I became addicted to feeling intense and exaggerated, that I was a called a coc-sman in certain male circles and life was magical. I was getting affirmations from these women that were void at home. That was close to twenty years ago and I, with the help of a good woman, stopped and turned my life around. A sad part of all it is there are so many women (and men) that don't care if youre in a relationship so there is no control on that end. Sorry for the rant. I got triggered as they say. I never intended to hand out my dirty laundry.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Benn through this in two marriages. Both my XWs had affairs with multiple guys. Both had also been OWs before I met them.
Most of the betrayeds I know have dealt with serial cheating. I know a few who think it was only once.
Serials are different than one time remorsers, IMO.


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## Tainted Halo (Jun 14, 2012)

I have cheated 4 times, a few flirts in between but those were last for me some years back, my H (stbxh) has told me he's had a lot more than I have and is currently having an emotional affair can't say sexual cause OW lives in another state. I own up to my affairs and wished I had not done what I did.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Multiple time cheating, in many cases may depend on how the betrayed spouse handled the 1st A.

If the betrayed was soft/weak/easy---the wandering spouse knew they could do what they wanted to, cuz there would be no repercussions/accountability, even if caught

There are many other factors involved, as was suggested, possible exit, physical needs not being met, abuse, loveless mge, none of it is right, but it is, what it is, and it happens way to often---


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Cheaters cheat. That is their nature.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Cheaters cheat? Not necessarily. My observation is that in the right circumstance, most people will cheat. Being a X serial, I cannot see myself cheating on my current wife. I've been on the wagon 17 years and plan to stay that way. But its like alcohol. Once and alcoholic you're always one. The "hunger", if you will, is still there but you don't have to keep drinking. and I use hunger because its more than a mere desire. In the final analysis, she makes me not cheat nor want to. Its all to her credit. If I was with someone else I felt different about, I don't think I have the strength to not do it. The addiction is as bad as any drug.


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## Rizoma (Jun 11, 2012)

I just found out the man I'm with is a serial cheater (on me, and on his previous gf). But this is the first time he's ever been caught by anyone.

He has never had to face any consequences before now, other than his own guilt (which, when self-contained in one's own mind, is prone to all kinds of self-delusion to fight it off or suppress it). Now that he's going through the real consequences, he's trying to reform himself.

Does that mean he would have stopped earlier if he'd been caught earlier? I don't know. But I think, in general, the less the consequences are, the more likely a person is to cheat more than once.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I guess it depends on your definition of cheating and what exactly you consider a 'time'. My hubby had multiple on line encounters but only one physical one. But the physical one happened after D day. Would you count each online persona as one time? Or is the whole online thing one time, since it was a progression?


That's a good question. I know that my EAs were stupid. They were MY stupid choices. Because I didn't cope well with certain circumstances. This is, in no way, blaming my husband. I did blame him at the time. Until the situation(s) presented itself/themselves, I never would have even entertained the thought of getting involved with anyone outside of my marriage. Same thing goes for him and his EA. It isn't "in our nature", as someone else stated, to cheat. I think Fvstringpicker said it best that, given the right circumstances most would do it. Most, NOT ALL. But it doesn't mean that it is an "always or never" thing. Some people actually learn from their stupid choices. 

Then again... what do you define as cheating? I consider EA as cheating on my husband. I did that twice. I will never do that again. My husband did it once, and he will never do it again. I was presented with the opportunity, twice, to physically cheat on him. I didn't do it. I think that was my "wake up call". Yes, I knew my EA was wrong, but when it came to the next step, I knew I couldn't do it, and recommitted to my husband.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I've read far too many stories of spouses cheating again 5, 10 or 20 years down the line and frankly, that scares the hell out of me.

But if I look back at our life together, my H's behaviour was very different while he was involved in his affair. However, because I was so withdrawn and contemplating divorce myself, I didn't conceive of an affair. I simply thought he was in the same place as me - unhappy.

For that reason, I don't think he's a serial cheater as there was nothing suspicious about his behaviour in previous years. That said, he does travel a lot on business and he could be a really good liar. Then again, as part of my profession, I'm constantly taking night classes or workshops, and I often go out with my peers (both male and female) after class, so I've also had opportunities as well. And if one knew what I did for a living, well an outsider looking in might suspect me.

Anyway, I'm beginning to wonder how does anyone really know if their ex-WS will cheat again? 

My H insists he's a one time cheater (don't they all though) because he said for him he used his A as a solution to his marital problems (lack of emotional connection and sex) but in the end, all he did was create more problems. And if he looks at it from an entirely selfish point of view, he ended up hurting himself with his A because he lost the respect of his wife and kids... and his own integrity. So in the process of trying to get his needs met, he made himself even unhappier than he was before the A. In his mind, he'd be a fool to try that solution again so lesson learned. Well, so he says. But I have read articles that seem to support this theory. Some people realize that cheating created more problems than it solved so they reject it as a future problem solver.

Time will tell, I suppose.


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