# have you ever been in a rut?



## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

we have been married for over 5 years....i went to pick up an anniversary card for my H and i got so depressed.....all of the cards were so romantic...and i just didnt feel that way about him...none of those cards expressed how i feel....we have been going through a lot lately....and have been spending a LOT of time with each other....i guess my question is.....has anyone else felt the way before about their partner....or should i be worried?


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## Marisola (Jul 19, 2010)

I found a book that helped me to feel connected to my husband again. Maybe it will help you: 

"how to improve your marriage without talking about it"
Patricia Love and Steen Stosny

I have been married for 21 years, and I feel this book has helped us both, and only I read it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

zoku32 said:


> .....has anyone else felt the way before about their partner....or should i be worried?



There was a time in our marraige (21 yrs this year), that I was SOOO into my children, always & forever including them WITH US, even though we did everything together, we ALWAYS had kids along. I remember thinking a few times "What on earth do we even talk about -if it was not kid related". 

We definetly let the romance go by the wayside - just because we were So busy being parents & building our life, house, dreams. I think these things can happen to otherwise great marraiges at times. 

Today we have more Romance than ever, kinda wish I could go back in time & accually take the time to "smell the flowers", Live for the moment instead of SO MUCH PLANNING, realize how in love I was the whole time, but somehow always put on the back burner. I think if I was looking at such cards in a Hallmark shop though, they might more have INSPIRED me than feel what I was reading couldn't happen, or wasn't there. For us, we never even bought cards for each other, or presents ! It was just ALWAYS about the kids. Now I pamper him. 

You say you are spending ALOT of time together, this is a Plus. Are you talking while spending the time, or are both avoiding the deep stuff ? 

In my opionion, Books are simply AMAZING in helping one clarify the REAL issues, sometimes we get so stuck - you start reading & realize -there it is -this is where I am going wrong, or this is why I feel this way & what you can do about it, how you can help your husband, or be Open in sharing where you are at and a desire for change. 

Depending on your problems, I would get a marraige book that addressed whatever you are struggling with. 

Sounds like some good ones here:

Amazon.com: marraige communication


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thanks for all the book ideas. I will definitely check it out. We are about to do IVF and I guess its all getting too real for me now. Its really scary. I also have some health issues. Maybe I'm a little depressed or something. I just dont get those butterflies anymore.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

zoku32 said:


> We are about to do IVF and I guess its all getting too real for me now. Its really scary. I also have some health issues. Maybe I'm a little depressed or something. I just dont get those butterflies anymore.


 OH Zoku32 -- I soooo know where you are coming from now!! Me & husband struggled with Secondary Infertility for almost 7 yrs ourselves, this really put SEX & it's enjoyment (for me anyway) so taken off of pleasure but the result of having his sperm get to my egg. It consumed my MIND & life back then. 

I was irratated, mad, angry at God, Jealous of my friends having babies easily, ANXIOUS, obsessed during THAT time - and I took my husband for granted, I looked at him more as a potential sperm bank than the man I married, that I cherished. 

My post talking about all the "PLanning", some of that planning, for me, was acquiring the family I have. As I am sure you are desparetly "planning" as well. Will this work, how much will it cost, what if I conceive 6 at a time!??? We accually scheduled an IVF cycle, but amazingly enough, got pregnant that month, so never had to go through it . And went on to have 4 more kids after that effortlessley & easily. 

Please learn from me & my husband. Even in the midst of all of this (cause I know it is hard!) , TRY to enjoy this time, focus on each other , shut out the world around you , you wont get these years back, make him a priority, LIVE in the moment. If I knew then , what my future held, I would have breathed SUCH a sigh of relief or been afraid -now I have too many kids. 

Sounds like you are just going through AlOT right now, I think that makes perfect sense that the butterflies have subsided. 

Be assured, they can definetly come back - with a vengence. Just be sure, once you have the kids, to not forget the husband , I fell into that rut for too many years, one of my biggests regrets in life.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We just feel we love each other more and more.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I remember thinking a few times "What on earth do we even talk about -if it was not kid related".


I'm in this stage right now.:scratchhead:
It's hard to be romantic with kids around. I can't even give a kiss to my husband in front of our kids, because my son would say,'' Stop kissing guys!" 
.Anyway, I think that cards and movies are a little more romantic than real life is. 
Yes, I don't find myself either in those cards and movies, but sincerely now I don't care. The life is not easy, and it's normal for me that sometimes I get angry at my husband, fight over little things. I know that we love one another, and we don't need no cards to tell us that. Our card would be special, and I prefer to write it myself. It's more original. :rofl:


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## marga88 (Jun 17, 2010)

I can relate to your feelings very much, You just need to spend more time to be alone together why don't you both take a short vacation, I'm pretty sure you just need to be refreshed to get it over.


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

Marisola said:


> I found a book that helped me to feel connected to my husband again. Maybe it will help you:
> 
> "how to improve your marriage without talking about it"
> Patricia Love and Steen Stosny
> ...


This is THE best book I have read, nothing but good stuff all the way through.

We have been apart for over a year now and after reading this book, things are turning around and we are seeing each other and in a good spot. 

I would like him to read the book, but at this point I'm not going to ask him. So, just like you, I am the only one who read it. 

I'm quite surprised this book isnt mentioned much on this board.

It seems to me, THIS book is the place to start before anything else can move forward. Men and women have to be able to understand each other.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

a rut like routine our lives evolve every day we joke cant we just have plain boring lives the answer how will we entertain all the people we meet lol but we are in every since of the phrase not in the same place we were 1 year ago we crave ordinary but not in our stars
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I find ruts to be somewhat common, when you get to 15 or 20 years of marriage you'll recognize it much quicker and take it as a sign to change things up.

To explain using something I know well, people cherish good food and will come everyday to eat it but after a while even the good food gets boring and people will slowly stop coming, that's when you know it's time to change the menu 

There are 1 million things you can do to change things up(i've counted ) you can change little ways you talk to him, how you react to the things that he says, definitely can change up the food in the house  how you dress, have new friends over, find new things to do together inside and outside the home and the list goes on...

My wife? she likes to change the furniture around lol, I will come home and not recognize the place. The living room looks like a new place and the bedroom is so different I feel like I'm in a hotel room. It puts a new perspective on things and everything feels fresh and new somehow, sounds silly I know but it works. 

Keep in mind that when you change something up he will react differently as well so you will get to see some of the old him and some of the new him and even things in him you haven't seen before.



------------------------
"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. -Van Horne


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yeah, Hallmark doesn't really have a card for my situation, either. What do you get a non-sexual, non-romantic "partner" for Valentines day? How do you really celebrate your anniversary when you're just checking off the loneliest year you've ever experienced?


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