# Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?



## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

We are separating after 33 years together. Husband said he wants to be alone as he is very depressed. This all blew up very quickly after Christmas and now I am going to move out with our granddaughter who is in our care.

I have been a bit unhappy for some time as I have trust issues due to him having an affair 18 years ago and lying about it. We never resolved any of the issues arising from this and just ignored that it happened. Probably a big mistake. The thought of leaving was running through my mind occasionally but I had decided to stay and work on our issues. I thought we were doing that - we had discussed his previous actions & lies and I had discussed my trust issues. Note, I had never told him I had thoughts of leaving - I did tell one mutal friend who may have told husband, I don't know.

Anyway, I am not convinced that he does not have another woman in the wings this time. He categorically denies any such thing and swears he does not have another woman, but it is really the only thing that makes sense of the way he is acting. If he does have someone, I know who it would be and I suppose time will tell if I am right or wrong.

What I really want to know is how on earth do I cope with the strong feelings I am having. I can't eat, thankfully I am overweight so I can live for a few weeks without food. Husband hasn't eaten for days that I can see and he cries all of the time. I fluctuate between tears & anger. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? I have to keep it together for our ASD granddaughter, she is already struggling to understand why she has to move out of her house when she hasn't done anything.

I barely have the energy to pack our stuff, let alone move it. Life sucks sometimes.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am sorry this happened. Yes it may be true that he has someone else, or maybe he wants to start looking for someone else. His track record doesn't make him sound real safe. Either way though very painful you can't make him stay. Unfortunately the only advice that I think can be given is that you will just have to have courage to move forward. It's OK to mourn for a little while but eventually you need to give yourself the courage to have hope that you can still have a great life with joy again. 

Again I am sorry, but it will get better.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

im genuinely sorry that this is happening.
I wish that i had an answer. Its just one moment at a time.
Im really curious. Why are you and your ASD grandaughter moving out?
It will disrupt her world.
Make HIM move out.
Less stress. 2 vs 1
I live with depression. Is he depressed? I dont know.
Would you be willing to say why you think this?
Will he see his GP?

Again, why are YOU moving out when a child has ASD?
Help me understand how this is not selfish on his part.
Have you seen a lawyer? Do you know what your RIGHTS are?
Stop dancing to his tune. If he has someone, make him OWN it.
Why should he live in his comfy home and disrupt others lives?
Me thinks youneed to get a bit mad. If not for you, then for your GD.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aquarius1 said:


> Im really curious. Why are you and your ASD grandaughter moving out?
> It will disrupt her world.
> Make HIM move out.



I thought that too... but it's the OP wanting to leave... so maybe she feels she should move out? But I don't think this is a great move for the granddaughter...


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> Im really curious. Why are you and your ASD grandaughter moving out?
> It will disrupt her world.
> Make HIM move out.
> Less stress. 2 vs 1
> ...


Our house was living upstairs & business downstairs. If he moves out he still has to come here to work every day anyway because he does all of the client contact. He did suggest him moving out but it just wouldn't give him that space he wants. I can work remotely as I just do processing & don't have any client contact.

It is disruptive to our ASD granddaughter - she only came to live with us a year ago as her parents both have mental illness - her mother is BPD & her father (our son) couldn't make a good decision if his life depended on it. She is 13. I have explained that we have to move and her biggest annoyance is that she won't have a swimming pool, however, our son & his wife live about 10 minutes from where I am looking to move and they have a pool.

I am mad - I am taking all of the furniture and leaving him with a bed & the office stuff. Another reason I am moving out is that the rent of the current house is very high and I just don't trust him to not leave town and leave me to try and pay it on a tiny income. I want to make sure I am going to be able to afford to live if he suddenly winds up the business we have & I am left living on welfare so I am looking at much cheaper places. Of course the issue there is I am leaving a very good neighbourhood for a less secure one.

He is very depressed, he is apparently seeing his doctor today, but that appointment was made very unwillingly so I don't know if he will go. He seems to be wallowing in the depression at the moment. I do think there was a trigger that sent him spiralling down but at the moment, I don't know what that was. I suspect he has fallen for someone else but he is adamantly denying that (as they do). 

I have really thought through what to do & in the end it comes down to that fact I don't trust him & I need to make sure I am set up if he does shoot through with another woman. The one I am suspecting lives in the same town as his mother - 5 hours from here. It could be that he is telling the truth and there is no other woman. In that case it means we are a bad fit together & again, I need to make sure I am considering the future should we divorce.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Chippie said:


> He is very depressed, he is apparently seeing his doctor today, but that appointment was made very unwillingly so I don't know if he will go. He seems to be wallowing in the depression at the moment. I do think there was a trigger that sent him spiralling down but at the moment, I don't know what that was. I suspect he has fallen for someone else but he is adamantly denying that (as they do).
> 
> I have really thought through what to do & in the end it comes down to that fact I don't trust him & I need to make sure I am set up if he does shoot through with another woman. The one I am suspecting lives in the same town as his mother - 5 hours from here. It could be that he is telling the truth and there is no other woman. In that case it means we are a bad fit together & again, I need to make sure I am considering the future should we divorce.


I would strongly suggest divorce counseling. Very strongly. The idea is not to try and stay together, but figure out how best to live apart. You're going to continue to have business dealing with your probable STBX, so there's no way to cut all contact. This will probably also allow him to feel safer about divulging whatever it is that lead to this, so you may have a sense of closure, sort of. 

There remains the possibility he is clinically depressed and needs some real help. You likely feel some empathy for him being in such pain, the crying, the lack of eating (even though you're going through this yourself). So you need to rule out the possibility that this isn't about another woman or even about you per se, but that he is seriously messed up in his head and needs help. I think it likely this would come out during divorce counseling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Chippie said:


> We are separating after 33 years together. Husband said he wants to be alone as he is very depressed. This all blew up very quickly after Christmas and now I am going to move out with our granddaughter who is in our care.
> 
> I have been a bit unhappy for some time as I have trust issues due to him having an affair 18 years ago and lying about it. We never resolved any of the issues arising from this and just ignored that it happened. Probably a big mistake. The thought of leaving was running through my mind occasionally but I had decided to stay and work on our issues. I thought we were doing that - we had discussed his previous actions & lies and I had discussed my trust issues. Note, I had never told him I had thoughts of leaving - I did tell one mutal friend who may have told husband, I don't know.
> 
> ...


Why do you and the child have to move out? He should be the one to do that if he wants the marriage to end.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Chippie said:


> ... What I really want to know is how on earth do I cope with the strong feelings I am having. I can't eat, thankfully I am overweight so I can live for a few weeks without food. ... I fluctuate between tears & anger. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? I have to keep it together for our ASD granddaughter, she is already struggling to understand why she has to move out of her house when she hasn't done anything.
> 
> I barely have the energy to pack our stuff, let alone move it. Life sucks sometimes.


I have a few practical ideas, if you don't mind pragmatic suggestions. 

#1 I recommend buying two things: soup and lotioned tissue. The soup is because in order to maintain your energy and strength you do need to eat * something * and yet you have that big lump in your throat from crying and can't get anything past it, right? So get some soup. It's warm, it's nutritious, and it's kind of comforting...and being liquid it can get past the lump. The lotioned tissues are because most likely, over the next many days, you are going to be doing a lot of crying. When you use tissue that doesn't have lotion on it, you actually chap your eyelids and your nose...so then you have salty tears going into your chapped eyes and your nose will sting. The lotioned tissuesare more gentle on your skin and you'll avoid chapped eyelids that swell shut. 

#2 I have to admit I also thought "Hey wait a minute! If he wants out, why are you the one moving?" but after hearing your reasons (The rent is too much and The business is there), I can see that actually you are thinking of how you'll be able to support yourself with or without him, which is wise. I'm sorry your life and your gD's life are both thrown into disarray because he's untrustworthy, but I'm proud of you for facing it honestly instead of being in denial. It does suck...but in real life you are where you are, and I think you are making decisions that are the best FOR YOU (and her). 

#3 As far as coping goes, I actually would strongly recommend a support group. I personally went to two support groups when I was going through my divorce, and it was very helpful to me to know that I was not alone and that others also thought and felt like me. In other words, I could tell that it was "normal" to think ___ or feel ___... and that was reassuring to know that it was part of the healing process and wouldn't stay forever, etc. I personlly went to a *Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends* group, and you can find a group near you here: https://rebuilding.org/seminar-locations/ (They call it a "seminar" but it's about ten to fifteen people who meet for ten weeks.) There's also an assessment you can take here: https://rebuilding.org/assessment/ to see how you're doing. If you don't want to "go" somewhere, you can also join an online group here: https://www.afterdivorcesupport.com/rebuilding-seminar/ 

If this doesn't work for you, you might also consider *DivorceCare* which is similar but often meets in churches and is a little longer (like...they meet for a whole season). As an example, if you attend regularly and are really comfortable with your church family, it might feel a little extra supportive to a DivorceCare group that meets weekly at your church and get to know others who are going through what you are going through, etc. You can look for a nearby group here: https://www.divorcecare.org/


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Despite being very sad, you seem to be making rational, solid decisions. I'm sorry this is happening.

I second the soup idea. Losing weight by not eating creates other problems in your body. When someone in my house is ill and doesn't feel like eating, I heat up chicken or beef broth. Carrots and other vegetables can be added, put through the blender and heated up to make a smooth, nutrition broth/soup. If you aren't eating, it can make it more difficult to cope with everything that is going on. Broth with vegetables will actually help with weight loss, but you will be getting solid nutrition and not starving yourself. Also make sure you are drinking enough fluids.

Eating is about getting the nutrients you need for your body to function properly. You may be able to survive off the fat, but it doesn't contain the vitamins and minerals you need. That is why I recommend making sure to be eating soup with protein and vegetables, so your brain and body are getting what they need in order to function properly. You won't need to add any carbohydrates to the soup, because your body will use stored fat for energy. You will go into ketosis, which is a common weight loss method that doesn't put you in nutritional deficiency when you are getting enough protein and vegetables.

Can you expand the work you are doing at home? Is your granddaughter on SSI? You might be able to get financial help as her caregiver.

I always recommend you buy a book on divorce in your state so you understand all your rights and responsibilities as well as the process.

Is your name on the business? If you own the business together and you are afraid that he'll simply close up shop and move, it would be helpful if you were able to take over if he can't, at least to sell it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How old are you? Had you considered going back to school to develop a skill that you can make a good income with? I am 55 and had considered getting my paralegal license, but decided to get a bachelor's instead and have been in school for a year now. You may be able to find a program to help you. The government doesn't want people on welfare, so they have programs that allow for training to allow people to get good jobs and stay off welfare. There might be something that would help you. You can go to the local community college and ask. If there is anything, they will help you get set up. When I went back to school, they asked me about my situation to see if I qualified for any of those programs. I didn't, but you might.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Chippie said:


> What I really want to know is how on earth do I cope with the strong feelings I am having. I can't eat, thankfully I am overweight so I can live for a few weeks without food. Husband hasn't eaten for days that I can see and he cries all of the time. I fluctuate between tears & anger. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? I have to keep it together for our ASD granddaughter, she is already struggling to understand why she has to move out of her house when she hasn't done anything.
> 
> I barely have the energy to pack our stuff, let alone move it. Life sucks sometimes.


Many of us have been where you are, and I promise better days are ahead. You cope by doing what you are currently doing... making a plan and focusing on what you need to do for yourself and your GD. My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife. I thought I would never make it through that in one piece.. it was hard, but I did it. I had so much anger and so much pain. Dont give him a single thought of sympathy or pity, he doesnt deserve it. His issues are no longer your problem, so only focus on yourself. 

I think once you are out of there and settled, you are going to be surprised at the peace you feel. Focus on that.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

I am really struggling tonight. Honestly, if a person could will themselves to die, I would. I was fine and then I wasn't. I feel like a ton of bricks has dropped on me.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Chippie said:


> I am really struggling tonight. Honestly, if a person could will themselves to die, I would. I was fine and then I wasn't. I feel like a ton of bricks has dropped on me.


These feelings will come and go. As someone suggested, head down. One foot in front of the other. Can you see your doctor to give you something to help you sleep during these times?

I know that it's no consolation, but many people have gone through this or are currently going through this.

Hang on. Better days are ahead. I promise.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Chippie said:


> I am really struggling tonight. Honestly, if a person could will themselves to die, I would. I was fine and then I wasn't. I feel like a ton of bricks has dropped on me.


Unfortunately this is normal. The key is to focus on what you are doing rather than on how you are feeling. I'm not suggesting you bury your feelings, but you also don't have to dwell on them. Set goals for yourself and focus on them. You can learn to redirect your focus onto positive things. 

Don't suppress your feelings. Rather let them fliw through and out, follow them with thoughts of freedom and health and let the negative go. It's not easy, but it can be done with practice. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some people run from problems, some stay and allow themselves to be pummeled.

Before he said he wanted a separation, all was fine in your estimation. 
Maybe not fine, but tolerable.

He feels pummeled, from the live-in ASD granddaughter, and by your 'seemingly' uncaring presence. 
And by your daughter in law being mentally ill, and the son who is weak, yes, the fallout from that.

I know, I know, he should have gotten that stiff upper lip, agh, he did not.
He could not.

He folded. 
He is depressed.

Depressed is a state having few avenues of escape.

One of the roads out, is drugs.
One, is living with the pain.
One, is getting your head examined and set 'straighter".
One, is getting away from those things one finds intolerable and depressing. He is choosing this brambled path.

..........................................................

Some likelys:

He finds you exhausting, and the innocent, yet the 'problem' ASD child added her weight, and has brought your husband to his knees.

Am I making excuses for him?
No, I am spelling what is happening from his 'likely' viewpoint.

Keep in mind, rarely is one partners viewpoint the only one worth considering.

You are angry, likely bitter.
He has fallen flat, not yet on his face.




The Typist I-

I recommend divorce. 
Why? One irritant less (each) for the both of you. With each of you out of one-anothers hair.

You worry mostly about the financial aspects of this separation, he worries more about his own sanity.
Ah, yes, what is left of it.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> He finds you exhausting, and the innocent, yet the 'problem' ASD child added her weight, and has brought your husband to his knees.


I probably am exhausting. The simple fact is I do have serious trust issues. Mind you, there have only been two women that I have questioned his friendship with as I felt he was getting too close to them. One a couple of years ago and one recently.
He has felt the need to explain every little contact he has with a female & I have told him he did not need to do that - I have never believed he is jumping on every female he meets. 
Last night (at 3:00am mind you) he accused me of trying to hack into his social media accounts because he received an email saying there was a request to change the password. It was not me, I had not tried to access his accounts, but it felt awful to be accused of something that I didn't do and had no way of proving I didn't do. I told him that now I know how it feels to be accused of something you didn't do and not be believed. He said it really is an awful feeling.

He went to the doctor yesterday and was given a script for anti-depressants but does not think he will take them. Up to him.

What hit me hardest last night is that is now no-one in this entire world that loves me because I am me. The family love me because I am their mother, mother-in-law, daughter, grandmother, but no-one just loves me for who I am. I feel devastated at this feeling of loss - like a shell.

Oh well, onwards packing up and looking for a house to move to.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Cynthia said:


> Can you expand the work you are doing at home? Is your granddaughter on SSI? You might be able to get financial help as her caregiver.
> 
> Is your name on the business? If you own the business together and you are afraid that he'll simply close up shop and move, it would be helpful if you were able to take over if he can't, at least to sell it.


At the moment I can't do more than I am going to be doing for our business. I am also going to be homeschooling g/d as she does not cope with mainstream school and is going into high school this year. She would be eaten alive by the other kids. She has high anxiety and learning difficulties.

The business is in H name as he has the qualifications. I am looking at going back to uni to finish my degree - I am waiting for the uni to get back to me about how to re-enrol in the degree I had to drop out of a couple of years ago. I know it would be hard to get a job elsewhere at my age, but I am sure if I was determined I could do it.

We don't have SSI in Australia (or at least I don't think so because I don't know what it is), but I will go onto government benefits. From what I have read, if I am homeschooling due to medical reasons, I don't have to look for additional work and I will get an extra payment each school term. I would use the extra payment to pay for additional tutoring for g/d so we can try to get her reading & writing up from that of an 8 year old to her actual age of 13.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I homeschooled my three children all the way through until they were done with school or went to college. There are many excellent programs available for teaching reading, spelling, etc. 

One thing that helped my dyslexic child was immersion reading. Before MP3, I would check out books on tape and the corresponding hard copy. My child would read along in the book while listening to the audio version. This helped her tremendously. We started with easier books and worked up to more difficult books. She became an excellent reader. This approach can help remediate many types of reading difficulties.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Chippie said:


> What hit me hardest last night is that there is now, no-one in this entire world that loves me, because I am me. The family love me because I am their mother, mother-in-law, daughter, grandmother, but no-one just loves me for who I am. I feel devastated at this feeling of loss - like a shell.
> 
> Oh well, onward, I am now packing up and looking for a house to move to.


You are not alone. :|

Our sponsor, THRD feels the same way. :frown2:


THM's-


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

After some serious introspection, I have come to the conclusion that it is little wonder H got depressed & wants out. I am not a good person to be in a relationship with.

1. Serious trust issues - not just about women, but about whether he can make good decisions. This leads me to:
2. Serious need to control everything around me, including how much H drinks alcohol. I grew up with an alcoholic father & a very religious mother. They fought constantly, so I guess I learned that alcohol consumption is bad. Then my father also became a strict Christian & gave up alcohol but they still fight. Go figure.
3. I am conflict avoidant - I think we are both like that, so tend to bury issues.
4. Apologising is very hard for me. I hate to be wrong and I hate even more to admit it.

I don't believe he has another woman at the moment. He has sworn he does not and I believe him. The trust issues I have tend to lead me down that path straight away. I need to learn to trust again.

No wonder H had ED issues, I probably stripped his manhood right away. The real issues I have with him is that he is very passive and lazy. Even when he might not agree with something I say we should do, he does not speak up until it is way too late to do anything about it - like buying something.
He also tends to procrastinate about getting work out as blogging is way easier than working - this has led to some financial issues where jobs have been done but not send and invoiced.

Overall, I am not sure where we will go from here. I still want to make it work but it is likely too late for that. I don't think I will ever get into another relationship as the logistics are too difficult. At my age (50+) all available men will have tonnes of baggage, as do I.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Check out "adult child of an alcoholic parent". You sound like you have some of the issues common to such. A good therapist should help you understand and hopefully change any dysfunctional behaviors you may have.

As far as future relationships, take it as it comes. Either your marriage is acceptable or it is not. This is not window shopping, comparing two known options. If your marriage is not acceptable then it is not acceptable. If you don't think it can be turned into a satisfying relationship, go ahead and end it. Nobody is better off in a messed up family!

Next, you will be surprised at how much better a new relationship can be. Yes, there are a lot of divorced people with baggage, but a lot of people also figure things out during or after divorce. Just go slowly and be picky. You have a high chance of finding somebody good. Even if you don't, it is better to be single than in an unpleasant marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So now that you have strapped the responsibility for your marriage issues AND your husband's OWN issues squarely upon your shoulders, do you feel better? Evidently this makes it easier for you to cope for some reason. I mean you have blamed yourself for everything from his depression to his ED to his laziness. I have news for you, HE is the only one responsible for how he reacts to life and day to day situations. HE is the only one who can seek help for his depression. He is a grown man, and you dont have that much power. So give yourself a damn break.


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## Amerika (Jan 5, 2020)

Please rush to therapy asap, just don't hit the keyboard to respond. Get a church' recommended therapy that can include divine intervention. 33 yrs is no easy to lose. I applaud you for being strong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you’re trying to find a way to blame yourself for everything and then convince him you’re the problem so he’ll reconcile. That’s not a good idea.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like you’re trying to find a way to blame yourself for everything and then convince him you’re the problem so he’ll reconcile. That’s not a good idea.


I suppose it could be seen that way, but what I am trying to do is identify areas that I need to work on. Regardless of what happens with our marriage, I need to be able to overcome my past & not let it direct my future.

H has plenty of faults, but the ones I mentioned are the ones that bugged me the most.

I am going to my GP to get a referral to a therapist and I will do my best to deal with my issues. They have been steering my life for 51 years and I am pretty well over it.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Chippie said:


> I suppose it could be seen that way, but what I am trying to do is identify areas that I need to work on. Regardless of what happens with our marriage, I need to be able to overcome my past & not let it direct my future.
> 
> H has plenty of faults, but the ones I mentioned are the ones that bugged me the most.
> 
> I am going to my GP to get a referral to a therapist and I will do my best to deal with my issues. They have been steering my life for 51 years and I am pretty well over it.


Nothing wrong with self awareness and the desire to grow. You have made your mistakes, sure.

But your husband wont own his part in this. And hes being downright selfish and horrible to you and Gd. My guess is that there IS someone else waiting in the wings. Even if not, he needs to own his depression and get treatment . Instead hes forcing you out.

You need to call a lawyer and find out your rights. You have rights here.
Divorce law doesnt care whose fault people think it is, they protect people (especially children) from hardship.
You are entitled to half his assets. Your Gd deserves a safe place to live.
Pursue a lawyer, for her if you dont feel worthy enough for you.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

You need a support group immediately via church or otherwise. What you are feeling especially now blaming yourself is normal and you need people to be in person to tell you that, support you and share their similar stories. They will also have resources for additional help.

Moving out will provide a much needed disconnect from your husband so you can go to a support group and take care of yourself and granddaughter. You can't help your husband. A doctor gave him a prescription to help himself which he refuses to. You will not be able to do better for him.

Trust your maternal instincts- protect your granddaughter and yourself


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

I am still going along, day by day. Packing & making arrangments to move next weekend. Most of the time, I am just wishing it was night again so I could crawl into my bed.

H is sending very mixed messages. He is seriously messed up emotionally at the moment. When he first saw me packing boxes he started crying, despite me confirming that this is definitely what he wants. When I asked him today if he would drive the truck for me on Saturday, he started crying again. All day today he has been crying on and off, but he said he just has to be alone to fight the depression. He keeps saying he will beat it or it will kill him. He also says he has not asked for a divorce, he just wants to be alone. I do know that if some time down the track we reconcile, there will be counselling for both of us, both IC and MC, and I would want our eldest son to step up and resume care of his daughter (the granddaughter that lives with me).

I am being very compassionate and not nasty at all because that won't help either of us. We are two people carrying a lot of childhood baggage that has never been dealt with. Him probably more than me as he had an abusive father who abandoned the family when H was 7 & has gone on to be a minor famous artist who has written his first family out of his biography. His mother has always depended on him to prop her up and I think she views me a competition for his affection. His sisters are also both seriously messed up - their parents really did them no favours. 

Where we will end up, nobody knows. The kids are all rallying around me - the boys are still talking to their father but the two girls are not really. Hopefully, they will be able to forgive him down the track and restore the relationship. One of our sons is a defence force chaplain & he has started an online chat group for the five kids so that they can air their feelings. I am glad they are doing that as they can support each other and vent in a safe place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like all you can do right now is to take care of yourself and your granddaughter. It's good that your children are supporting each other through this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You're doing great, whether it feels that way or not. Just make sure once you are out, you back off from him, go as little contact as you can. No checking up on him, no doing him special favors or coddling him. He wants alone, he gets alone. Focus on yourself and your GD.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm thinking that he is going to be surprised at how little being alone helps him. In fact, without your support, it may be worse. As has been said, do not let him pull you in from a distance. He needs to see if what he wants is real. Blame will have to be different.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You're doing great, whether it feels that way or not. Just make sure once you are out, you back off from him, go as little contact as you can. No checking up on him, no doing him special favours or coddling him. He wants alone, he gets alone. Focus on yourself and your GD.


Yes, that is my plan as much as possible. I may have to pop into the office once a week or fortnight to pick up work & do printing. I will make a set time & he can choose whether to be here or not.

I do think he is going to go downhill very quickly once I am gone. Everyone in the family expects he will end up living in his mother's granny flat, 5 hours from here. She is pressuring him to do that but he insists he won't move there. It would spell the end of our business & leave me in a precarious financial position so I hope that does not happen. Once his mother gets him in her control it will definitely be over for us - she will make sure of that.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Granddaughter & I have been out of the house for 5 days now and in our new house. Today was our 32nd wedding anniversary. At H's suggestion, he & I went out to dinner. It was a bit of a washout - neither of us really felt like talking much. H has badly broken his shoulder in two places & he is in a lot of physical pain on top of his depression. I was just overwhelmed & very emotional. 

I feel like I am either totally numb or totally overwhelmed with sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could just stop breathing & never have to feel anything again. I won't do anything to bring about my demise, but I just want to check out of life for a while.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Chippie said:


> I feel like I am either totally numb or totally overwhelmed with sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could just stop breathing & never have to feel anything again. I won't do anything to bring about my demise, but I just want to check out of life for a while.



Separations are soul destroying... we will have out 30th anniversary this year and I'm not looking forward to it, since we live separate lives right now. Still married, but not really together. It's a horrible limbo situation... yes, I would like to find an easy way to escape all this crap...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Chippie said:


> Granddaughter & I have been out of the house for 5 days now and in our new house. Today was our 32nd wedding anniversary. At H's suggestion, he & I went out to dinner. It was a bit of a washout - neither of us really felt like talking much. H has badly broken his shoulder in two places & he is in a lot of physical pain on top of his depression. I was just overwhelmed & very emotional.
> 
> I feel like I am either totally numb or totally overwhelmed with sorrow. Sometimes I wish I could just stop breathing & never have to feel anything again. I won't do anything to bring about my demise, but I just want to check out of life for a while.


What you are feeling is completely normal, you will be on an emotional roller coaster for a bit. When I left my second husband, I cried every day for the first month I was out, even though I am the one who initiated the split due to his emotional abuse. Just because it is the best thing for you doesnt make it easy to deal with at first. Hang in there, I promise it will get easier and you will find yourself loving your new freedom.


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## Amplifi (Jan 22, 2020)

That's a long haul. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

I am desperately suicidal at the moment. I have a plan, I have written my letters, I am just waiting until the weekend when my granddaughter goes to her father's place. I can't believe the amount of emotional pain I am feeling - it has taken me by surprise and I cannot see a way out.

Maybe when it comes to it, I won't be able to go through with it, maybe something will happen between now & then. Maybe it won't. 

I can't even get out of the house to mix with people because g/d has a panic attack if I am gone for more than 30 minutes to the shop. I cannot take her with me if I want to go to social groups because she is so damn annoying and talks endlessly about the imaginary creatures that she makes up stories about. All I can see in front of me is a life chained to the house with a teenager that won't leave and won't let me leave. Meantime, H is living alone with nobody to be responsible for. He wins, I lose.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Chippie said:


> I am desperately suicidal at the moment. I have a plan, I have written my letters, I am just waiting until the weekend when my granddaughter goes to her father's place. I can't believe the amount of emotional pain I am feeling - it has taken me by surprise and I cannot see a way out.
> 
> Maybe when it comes to it, I won't be able to go through with it, maybe something will happen between now & then. Maybe it won't.
> 
> I can't even get out of the house to mix with people because g/d has a panic attack if I am gone for more than 30 minutes to the shop. I cannot take her with me if I want to go to social groups because she is so damn annoying and talks endlessly about the imaginary creatures that she makes up stories about. All I can see in front of me is a life chained to the house with a teenager that won't leave and won't let me leave. Meantime, H is living alone with nobody to be responsible for. He wins, I lose.


I do t k ow what to say or how to respond. I just know that your plea is important, that you ARE relevant and no matter how bad things are in your life right now, things can get better. There are people who will come to your help if you let them. 

Do you have a doctor? Call and leave an emergency message. Close friend? Clue them in on your plan. There are people who care for you. Your grand daughter? She doesn’t know about your pain, she just knows how it feels when you smile or give her a hug. Let her give you one. Think of hundreds more like it. 

Don’t give up. Please.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Chippie

You are in crisis and need to act quickly. It's not all that unusual for someone going through what you are going through to have thoughts of suicide. 

The good thing is that there is something you can do about this. 

Please see a counselor and your doctor as well. They can prescribe antidepressants that can help you work through this depression and anxiety. They help to clear away the fog of depression so you can work on solving your issues. They do not numb you, they will help you cope and heal.

Also, here are some resources for you. They can be another outlet for you to talk through your pain and thoughts of suicide.

Here is a link and phone number to a suicide prevention lifeline and their phone number.

*Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK 
*

Please call them and talk to them.

You can post here too of course.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Chippie

I just realized that you are in Austrailia, not the USA. So I searched for some hotlines in you country. Here's a couple that I found.


Call for help: 135 247

https://thesamaritans.org.au/get-he...tr9huO5iskqDgSXDy-mtgzd4BkKfi9choCPWsQAvD_BwE

Here is another one. They have a lot of support available on their site such has chat support, 

Call 13 11 14

https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-hel...PkofXPQG02jw7BdbwNoBVDPeAdjnLRkxoC4gUQAvD_BwE


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chippie said:


> I am desperately suicidal at the moment. I have a plan, I have written my letters, I am just waiting until the weekend when my granddaughter goes to her father's place. I can't believe the amount of emotional pain I am feeling - it has taken me by surprise and I cannot see a way out.
> 
> Maybe when it comes to it, I won't be able to go through with it, maybe something will happen between now & then. Maybe it won't.
> 
> I can't even get out of the house to mix with people because g/d has a panic attack if I am gone for more than 30 minutes to the shop. I cannot take her with me if I want to go to social groups because she is so damn annoying and talks endlessly about the imaginary creatures that she makes up stories about. All I can see in front of me is a life chained to the house with a teenager that won't leave and won't let me leave. Meantime, H is living alone with nobody to be responsible for. He wins, I lose.


That can seem a tempting option.

However, there is help available for you in Australia https://www.lifeline.org.au/ or call them on 13 11 14.

And your friends at TAM are always here for you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your personal wellbeing is as important as that of your husband and granddaughter. You have options. For one thing, you don't have to be the only person responsible for your granddaughter. If you aren't there to care for her, who will? That is likely the person who should be making sure you have time for yourself and time to socialize without her attached to your hip.
I know you're depressed, but there are much better options for you. 
If your granddaughter needs a different care situation, you can arrange that rather than taking on more than you can handle like you have been. 
Please call one of the hotlines listed above and get some help to find better options to resolve the problems you're having. The pain you are feeling can be temporary, IF you reach out and get help to get your needs met. Suicide is not temporary.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Are there any online chat groups that are not about hooking up or full of idiots? It can be a bit hard to find them by googling. I need people to talk to and all of the people around me IRL are very busy living their own lives. I also don't want to be that downer friend who cries on everyone's shoulder all of the time. Honestly, I really see little benefit in continuing with life at the moment.

As for who would care for my g/d if I was not around, her father would probably have to step up. At the moment he cannot have her because he lives in a caravan in a bad area, smokes weed, drinks a lot & works from 6:00am-4:00pm. Her mother works as a stripper & prostitute and has a revolving door of unsuitable boyfriends. She has also been abusive towards g/d in the past and is probably one of the worse border-line personality people I have come across. 

If I was to die, the kids would get a substantial amount of money from my life insurance and it would give them a good start. Then g/d father could move into a better area & enrol g/d into a specialist school for her needs as well as get the therapy she needs. H would also get enough money to pay out all of the business debts & he could go & save his mother from her business.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Chippie said:


> If I was to die, the kids would get a substantial amount of money from my life insurance and it would give them a good start. Then g/d father could move into a better area & enrol g/d into a specialist school for her needs as well as get the therapy she needs. H would also get enough money to pay out all of the business debts & he could go & save his mother from her business.


If you were to die, many would be deprived of the most well-grounded, reasonable person in their lives. Don't kid yourself that their lives would be better without you. Money given to fools... you know how that works. 

Your life insurance may have a buy-out possibility that could release some $$$ to help with those you care for. Even a life insurance that supposedly has no face value unless you die, actually has a market where people will buy the policy from you, and keep making the payments, hope that you do in fact die so they can profit from it. Strange thing indeed. And you profit from living but having some $$$. You win, they lose. You need something in the win column right now. 

Again, for ANYONE for whom you think your life insurance policy would be helpful, those are likely the exact people who will benefit much more from you being there for them, today, tomorrow and next year and the year after that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chippie said:


> Are there any online chat groups that are not about hooking up or full of idiots? It can be a bit hard to find them by googling. I need people to talk to and all of the people around me IRL are very busy living their own lives. I also don't want to be that downer friend who cries on everyone's shoulder all of the time. Honestly, I really see little benefit in continuing with life at the moment.
> 
> As for who would care for my g/d if I was not around, her father would probably have to step up. At the moment he cannot have her because he lives in a caravan in a bad area, smokes weed, drinks a lot & works from 6:00am-4:00pm. Her mother works as a stripper & prostitute and has a revolving door of unsuitable boyfriends. She has also been abusive towards g/d in the past and is probably one of the worse border-line personality people I have come across.
> 
> If I was to die, the kids would get a substantial amount of money from my life insurance and it would give them a good start. Then g/d father could move into a better area & enrol g/d into a specialist school for her needs as well as get the therapy she needs. H would also get enough money to pay out all of the business debts & he could go & save his mother from her business.


If you die and the insurance company suspect suicide, nobody gets a penny.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Chippie said:


> Are there any online chat groups that are not about hooking up or full of idiots? It can be a bit hard to find them by googling. I need people to talk to and all of the people around me IRL are very busy living their own lives. I also don't want to be that downer friend who cries on everyone's shoulder all of the time. Honestly, I really see little benefit in continuing with life at the moment.
> 
> As for who would care for my g/d if I was not around, her father would probably have to step up. At the moment he cannot have her because he lives in a caravan in a bad area, smokes weed, drinks a lot & works from 6:00am-4:00pm. Her mother works as a stripper & prostitute and has a revolving door of unsuitable boyfriends. She has also been abusive towards g/d in the past and is probably one of the worse border-line personality people I have come across.
> 
> If I was to die, the kids would get a substantial amount of money from my life insurance and it would give them a good start. Then g/d father could move into a better area & enrol g/d into a specialist school for her needs as well as get the therapy she needs. H would also get enough money to pay out all of the business debts & he could go & save his mother from her business.


Been in your desperate frame of mind many times. MANY TIMES. It all looked so good, so possible in the moment.

Trust me. It's not the answer.

Don't do it. Pick up that phone and call for help. Go to your local emergency department. Call a suicide hotline and talk all night if you have to with someone.

It looks really bad right now. Please believe me when I tell you that it will get better. I know it sounds like a crock of crap right now, but I know the truth. I've been there.

If you have a plan and you've written letters you are in CODE RED territory. You need immediate intervention. Please. Go to the emerg now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your grand daughter?


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How old is your grand daughter?


She is 13 but much younger mentally.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> If you die and the insurance company suspect suicide, nobody gets a penny.


They do if the policies have been held for more than 13 months & both of my insurance policies have been held for over 10 years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chippie said:


> They do if the policies have been held for more than 13 months & both of my insurance policies have been held for over 10 years.


Interesting. Though knowing the insurance industry they would come up with an excuse and merely return the premium payments to the estate.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chippie said:


> Are there any online chat groups that are not about hooking up or full of idiots? It can be a bit hard to find them by googling. I need people to talk to and all of the people around me IRL are very busy living their own lives. I also don't want to be that downer friend who cries on everyone's shoulder all of the time. Honestly, I really see little benefit in continuing with life at the moment.
> 
> As for who would care for my g/d if I was not around, her father would probably have to step up. At the moment he cannot have her because he lives in a caravan in a bad area, smokes weed, drinks a lot & works from 6:00am-4:00pm. Her mother works as a stripper & prostitute and has a revolving door of unsuitable boyfriends. She has also been abusive towards g/d in the past and is probably one of the worse border-line personality people I have come across.
> 
> If I was to die, the kids would get a substantial amount of money from my life insurance and it would give them a good start. Then g/d father could move into a better area & enrol g/d into a specialist school for her needs as well as get the therapy she needs. H would also get enough money to pay out all of the business debts & he could go & save his mother from her business.


 @Chippie, so sorry for what you are going through. You need to build up a support network because not only are you a full time carer for a difficult teenager you are also going through an emotionally painful time.
Please contact any of the organisations at this website depending which Australian state you are in:

https://www.befrienders.org/directory?country=AU

There are also Carer Support groups in Australia, you need to make contact with one of those in your area.

Contact your local government
https://www.dss.gov.au/disability-and-carers/carers

You may now feel at the end of your rope, but you can get through this. Do not be afraid to lean on your kids. Then investigate the carer support in your area. YOu can meet others who carry the same burden as you. Nothing like having a like minded individual to just share with. Hang in there.


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## father_of_2 (Oct 27, 2017)

@Chippie, please seek help using the resources these fine people have given you. Your life is worth living - people are counting on you and you can't count on your son, your GD's mother, or anyone else to step up and be a parent to that child. She will end up in foster care. She will end up getting abused and forgotten.

Suicide NEVER helps your loved ones. It hurts them deeply. They will feel resentful, abandoned and unloved. Don't think that they will be better off without you. They won't!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Having lost 2 family members to suicide, one very close, I say don't even think it. Its devastates those left behind and they will never truly recover.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Chippie, I and all of us need you you are special and have shown others you have strength beyond what you wanted. Due not cave to the whisper's telling you that if you do this all will be better, the reasons it tells you is fake and lies. 

You can only change the outcome of your granddaughters life if you stay. Money solves nothing and the grand idea of them ( the ones getting the money) will use it all, and then carry on the same life they currently have.

You are the most valuable thing for her, and for you to be together, you can show here what trials you go through in life, don't take control but you can change life dispite it.

It will get better, It will get better, It will get better.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. 

Personally, I'd rip the bandaid off, and divorce him. He may be depressed, but that seems to be the default statement for people who are cheating, and want space. ''I'm depressed, give me space,'' I've read it in quite a few stories on this forum, alone. 

I think he's crying, because he's torn between what life will look like without you and the lifestyle, and what life looks like with potentially a new woman. In my opinion, most likely there is someone else. You say this ''suddenly'' happened after Christmas, but things rarely ''suddenly happen.'' It sounds like your marriage has been struggling for a while, and while I wouldn't advocate divorce if he was showing that he wanted to work on things with you, he isn't showing those signs. I wouldn't think this, if your husband didn't show signs of inapprioriate relationships with women in the past, but he has. I'm sure you have your flaws, too, we all do. But, he sounds like a guy who has been ''depressed'' because he hasn't been able to carry on with women as he wishes. Just a vibe I get.

His crying and such is to keep you in check, in my opinion. Again, he could be depressed, but wanting to move out and live on his own, sounds like someone else is in the picture. Or he wants to explore dating...and then if that doesn't work out, he'll come back to you. Separation is often so people can test the dating waters, and see if they like it better - and then if they do, they divorce, if not...they come back to their spouse, wanting to ''work'' on the marriage. 

Don't let yourself become an option. I know you have tons on your plate right now, but you need to look out for yourself, so that you stay sane and can heal. 

Hope things get better for you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Chippie, Have you called any of the numbers provided? Are you willing to do something positive to begin resolving the pain you have, rather than making a decision that will devastate your family? Do you love your family?


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Cynthia said:


> @Chippie, Have you called any of the numbers provided? Are you willing to do something positive to begin resolving the pain you have, rather than making a decision that will devastate your family? Do you love your family?


I contacted a female friend of mine who is a pastor & is speaking at a conference near to where I live. It turns out she needed somewhere to stay for the weekend so I invited her to stay at my place Friday & Saturday night. That means I have someone with me those two nights & then my granddaughter is back from her father's place on Sunday night again. I would never do anything while she was in the house.

I do love my family, but sometimes the feeling that you are a burden is stronger than the love you feel for them. The feelings have not gone away, but for now, I have another fortnight before g/d goes to her father again so I keep on going during that time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Chippie said:


> I contacted a female friend of mine who is a pastor & is speaking at a conference near to where I live. It turns out she needed somewhere to stay for the weekend so I invited her to stay at my place Friday & Saturday night. That means I have someone with me those two nights & then my granddaughter is back from her father's place on Sunday night again. I would never do anything while she was in the house.
> 
> I do love my family, but sometimes the feeling that you are a burden is stronger than the love you feel for them. The feelings have not gone away, but for now, I have another fortnight before g/d goes to her father again so I keep on going during that time.


Looks like God is on your case. You have no idea of the pain and torment you would leave behind.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Chippie said:


> I contacted a female friend of mine who is a pastor & is speaking at a conference near to where I live. It turns out she needed somewhere to stay for the weekend so I invited her to stay at my place Friday & Saturday night. That means I have someone with me those two nights & then my granddaughter is back from her father's place on Sunday night again. I would never do anything while she was in the house.
> 
> I do love my family, but sometimes the feeling that you are a burden is stronger than the love you feel for them. The feelings have not gone away, but for now, I have another fortnight before g/d goes to her father again so I keep on going during that time.


That is amazing news. So glad to hear it. You might print out the posts you made here, or just let her read them, to get a feeling for what's going on. Important that she understands not where you are when she meets with you, but also where you were and could be again. If she's a real friend, I don't think she'll let you hold anything back. Lay it all out on the table. 

Praying for you! Hang tough!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Chippie said:


> I contacted a female friend of mine who is a pastor & is speaking at a conference near to where I live. It turns out she needed somewhere to stay for the weekend so I invited her to stay at my place Friday & Saturday night. That means I have someone with me those two nights & then my granddaughter is back from her father's place on Sunday night again. I would never do anything while she was in the house.
> 
> I do love my family, but sometimes the feeling that you are a burden is stronger than the love you feel for them. The feelings have not gone away, but for now, I have another fortnight before g/d goes to her father again so I keep on going during that time.


This is a good start, but you need to go further. Tell your friend what is going on and ask her to help you get connected to resources and to make a plan to improve your situation. For one thing, you need some kind of work. You can work, even with your granddaughter living with you. There are resources, you have to look in order to find them. Have courage. Step up and work to resolve this. Don't allow hopeless thinking to live in your mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Chippie

One way get beyond this is to address your issues one at a time. Your grand daughter is one of your biggest issues because I know you love her and want the best for her and the current situation with her parents is far from the best. 

You say that she is a challenge. What does she do that is causing difficulties?

Does she go to school? How many hours a day is she in school? I'm assuming that you do not home school her.

Will she be out of school for the 3 months of the summer? I don't know if Australia has that sort of schedule.

Are there any activities that you can get her involved in such as gymnastics, dance, or anything that would be physical and get her doing something that she can call her own?

What I'm thinking of is if you can find things that get her active and give you a break, it might help to relieve the pressure that you are experiencing.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> @Chippie
> 
> One way get beyond this is to address your issues one at a time. Your grand daughter is one of your biggest issues because I know you love her and want the best for her and the current situation with her parents is far from the best.
> 
> ...


I am home schooling her because she is too anxious to go to school. She is too anxious to be left home alone. I have arranged for her to go to her dad's place every second weekend, but it is not much respite. This is the first weekend she has gone there - I dropped her off about an hour ago. I took her to meet some homeschool kids today and she had fun but I am so much older than the other mothers and they all talked endlessly about their husbands & families. She enjoyed being with the kids, but she refuses to do any formal activities, again, due to anxiety.

I think that I am just in a really bad head space at the moment. H has gone to spend the weekend with friends and he says to me that I should find interests as well, but how in the hell do I do that when I have a 13 year old clinging to me 24/7.

I am working as well, remotely in our business. It is all online so I can log in and work from the new place. I am also studying one subject a semester for uni, but have not worked out yet how I am going to attend tutorials with my side-kick attached to me.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Chippie said:


> I am home schooling her because she is too anxious to go to school. She is too anxious to be left home alone. I have arranged for her to go to her dad's place every second weekend, but it is not much respite. This is the first weekend she has gone there - I dropped her off about an hour ago. I took her to meet some homeschool kids today and she had fun but I am so much older than the other mothers and they all talked endlessly about their husbands & families. She enjoyed being with the kids, but she refuses to do any formal activities, again, due to anxiety.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Advocate for yourself. You need help. Call the numbers. They have directories of resources. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Chippie said:


> I contacted a female friend of mine who is a pastor & is speaking at a conference near to where I live. It turns out she needed somewhere to stay for the weekend so I invited her to stay at my place Friday & Saturday night. That means I have someone with me those two nights & then my granddaughter is back from her father's place on Sunday night again. I would never do anything while she was in the house.
> 
> I do love my family, but sometimes the feeling that you are a burden is stronger than the love you feel for them. The feelings have not gone away, but for now, I have another fortnight before g/d goes to her father again so I keep on going during that time.


It sounds like your friend might be a really good person to open up to and talk to about how you’re feeling. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

I'm glad that your friend will be there. If you feel comfortable, its time to lay your cards on the table as to how you are feeling. As a pastor I'm sure that she has heard these things before. Don't feel ashamed. Sometimes when we get these things out into the open they lose a lot of the power they have over us.
Thinking of you this weekend. 
Please tap into the suggestions and resources.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Chippie, how are you doing? Please let us know. Thank you


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Chippie, I know the kid is your granddaughter, but why is this only your responsibility? About time you called the family together and told others to step up including your H.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> Chippie, how are you doing? Please let us know. Thank you


I am still here. I told my friend this morning that she saved my life this weekend when she stayed here. She just thought I was offering her a place to stay so she was close to her conference. She said she had a feeling she had been sent to help me though. We had a little cry together.

I feel like I have forgotten how to be happy. The suicidal thoughts still hang around in my head, but the next opportunity I would have would be in two weeks' time when g/d is at her father's again and since that is my father's birthday I would not be so callous. 

Looks like I am staying alive, keeping busy & working on mental recovery. I really need some friends though - the one who stayed with me over the weekend is starting a new job and will be really busy except for weekends and another that lives near me is an ER nurse and is always working or sleeping. I met some homeschool mums but they are all so young and as I am a homeschool grandmother, I am way older than them. They also talk lots about their happy families & wonderful supportive husbands so I feel jealous and a bit like a loser. 

There is no-one else in the family that can help with g/d. Her father will now take her every second weekend, her mother disappears for months at a time & then when she does take her, it will only be for one night. My other kids all work full time. One of them did offer to drop back to part time to help me, but she needs to work full time to afford to live. I could not ask her to do that because I could not afford to supplement what she would lose in wages. Of my two daughters-in-law, one is going through a difficult pregnancy & can barely function, the other lives 26 hours away and also works.

I do sound like a bit of a whinger, I can be grateful I have a roof over my head & I have the means to provide a basic living for us.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm glad you seem to have gotten over a hurdle, but don't go into complacency. Find help for your situation. You can make changes. Your granddaughter has some issues, but she can learn, grow, and improve. She needs guidance and good boundaries. 
I've been part of a large homeschool community for many years. There are no perfect families, because there are no perfect people. Look a little deeper and see what you might find. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chippie said:


> I am still here. I told my friend this morning that she saved my life this weekend when she stayed here. She just thought I was offering her a place to stay so she was close to her conference. She said she had a feeling she had been sent to help me though. We had a little cry together.
> 
> I feel like I have forgotten how to be happy. The suicidal thoughts still hang around in my head, but the next opportunity I would have would be in two weeks' time when g/d is at her father's again and since that is my father's birthday I would not be so callous.
> 
> ...


Is there any way you can employ a part time carer to give you some relief. Just pay by the hour? Maybe a PG student who is studying nursing or child care, etc? Look online


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Chippie said:


> I am still here. I told my friend this morning that she saved my life this weekend when she stayed here. She just thought I was offering her a place to stay so she was close to her conference. She said she had a feeling she had been sent to help me though. We had a little cry together.
> 
> I feel like I have forgotten how to be happy. The suicidal thoughts still hang around in my head, but the next opportunity I would have would be in two weeks' time when g/d is at her father's again and since that is my father's birthday I would not be so callous.
> 
> ...


Thanks for touching base. I was just going to post and follow up on you.
One day at a time. One step at a time.
Someone here ince suggested a place called Meet Ups to connect on a social level with people with shared hobbies, interests.
As far as you daughter offering part time, let her be the adult she is and make that decision for herself. 
Maybe it would be temporary, maybe she wants to drop to part time
Try not to cut off every offer of help.
Speaking of help, you are not in the clear. Please consult someone professional to talk to about how you are feeling.
Trying to manage it alone is overwhelming at the best of times.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Chippie said:


> I am still here. I told my friend this morning that she saved my life this weekend when she stayed here. She just thought I was offering her a place to stay so she was close to her conference. She said she had a feeling she had been sent to help me though. We had a little cry together.
> 
> I feel like I have forgotten how to be happy. The suicidal thoughts still hang around in my head, but the next opportunity I would have would be in two weeks' time when g/d is at her father's again and since that is my father's birthday I would not be so callous.
> 
> ...


It is it seen a lonely path by yourself, please do as aquaruis has said do take offers from those who want to help, this is the first step. And don't put the age difference into play. Those other mother who home school know exactly the work involved. And do seek out help from a staff dealing with depression and keep yourself focus on YOU! and keep a honest and open heat like you have done inviting the nurse friend. Do keep posting here for additional support to bounce your idea around. 

Thank you for responding to us it does matter, enjoy the day with a new smile.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

And so the trickle truth is starting. Apparently, he has 'met someone' and they get on well but it is not serious. Okay. Serious enough that he has had her back to the house we used to live in. The boarder he has in the house is the daughter of friends of ours and the daughter told her mother she feels awkward being there when the OW is there. Once the mother found out that H told me about the OW, she told me her daughter had told her.

We have been separated 3 months. He told me it was not someone WE knew prior to the separation, but knowing how he like to play with words, it is likely someone HE knew but I didn't.

I have decided that I am not going to say anything to him and will keep all communication to business matters only. He can crash and burn and I will get through with integrity and truth on my side. I am working on my Christian walk and last night I got a random scripture that basically said that keep my mouth shut and let God deal with him. 

The 3 kids that I have told (28, 26, 23) are furious with him for lying to them because he kept telling them there was no-one else. He even told a mutual friend (who is a very good friend of mine) last week that there is no-one else. 

I found out yesterday that our second son, in the military has been on suicide watch for 2 weeks due to being away from his wife & daughter for a couple of months so I am dealing with that as well. With the country being shut down, I can't even get down to see my son. I am not going to tell H - if he wants to know what the kids are up to, he can call them himself. One of them has lost their job and another is teetering on losing her job if they shut childcare centres.

I am somewhat concerned about him throwing me under the bus with the business - if I lose the income I get from the business I won't be able to find another job in this economic climate and at my age. I told the kids I will have to move into one of their spare rooms and our eldest son will have to take on full time care of his daughter. I can't see a new partner wanting him to continue to have contact with me.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

It's time to get a lawyer involved. It's time to know what you could expect as payout from the business. You can't afford to sit back and hope that this OW doesn't encourage your husband to cut you out or spend more than he can afford and take on debt that you will become responsible for. It's clear he's been lying to you and he's not coming back.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

@Chippie , I am in Aus too and have an ASD girl.

Is she on the NDIS? Does she have a formal diagnosis? Through the NDIS you can access help, including respite care. Your son though needs to step up and have her EVERY weekend. That he doesn't is disgraceful.

I too homeschool, for the same reasons as you, so I get it. I will say though, that you MUST push your granddaughter a little bit, to get out and meet with other kids. She will resist you, she'll cry, tantrum and meltdown, but you still have to push her. Its for her own good. She can't hide at home for the rest of her life, it's not good for her or for you.

With our girl, we tell her (she doesn't get the option) that she has to go for 1 hour. If, after 1 hour she is truly miserable and wants to come home, she can. 9/10 she stays the whole time and has a great time, it's the anxiety prior that gets her.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

nekonamida said:


> It's time to get a lawyer involved. It's time to know what you could expect as payout from the business. You can't afford to sit back and hope that this OW doesn't encourage your husband to cut you out or spend more than he can afford and take on debt that you will become responsible for. It's clear he's been lying to you and he's not coming back.


One of the issues is that I don't have the funds for a lawyer. I would have to go with a work experience legal aid student for free. H, on the other hand, is studying law and has a couple of clients who are lawyers plus he has access to money through his mother. My parents barely scrape by on a pension so I have to make do with what I can get.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

frusdil said:


> @Chippie , I am in Aus too and have an ASD girl.
> 
> Is she on the NDIS? Does she have a formal diagnosis? Through the NDIS you can access help, including respite care. Your son though needs to step up and have her EVERY weekend. That he doesn't is disgraceful.
> 
> ...


She has been pretty good at going to meetups at the park with a couple of other ASD boys around her age, but now just about everything is cancelled. We were going to laser-tag this week, but not now. All of her art classes have also been cancelled.

I applied for NDIS in August last year and despite a number of phone calls, I am still waiting for the initial interview.

G/d father has been having her every weekend for the last couple of weeks and he actually had her all last week. After 7 days of being in his caravan, she came back here and said she is never going back to stay in the caravan again as it is too small. My son did say yesterday that he is applying for houses so that she can be more comfortable when she goes to stay with him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Chippie said:


> She has been pretty good at going to meetups at the park with a couple of other ASD boys around her age, but now just about everything is cancelled. We were going to laser-tag this week, but not now. All of her art classes have also been cancelled.
> 
> I applied for NDIS in August last year and despite a number of phone calls, I am still waiting for the initial interview.
> 
> G/d father has been having her every weekend for the last couple of weeks and he actually had her all last week. *After 7 days of being in his caravan, she came back here and said she is never going back to stay in the caravan again as it is too small*. My son did say yesterday that he is applying for houses so that she can be more comfortable when she goes to stay with him.


She's a child honey, she doesn't get to make that decision. Sorry - you've got to be tougher and expect more from her.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

i'm really sorry to read your story as i'm in a very similar position,my wife left me after 30 years of marriage completely out of the blue for another man 3 weeks before the Christmas just gone.

I'm still in a bad way and i'm on antidepressants, unfortunately we are both in the same boat and it's going to take ta lot of time to get over it.
My advice is to allow yourself time to cry, to be angry, to wallow in self pity. Then just try and take one day at a time and focus on your Granddaughter as there is nothing you can do about the past.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

I have realised one of my 'friends' has been passing on information to H. When I was on messenger to her on Monday night, I mentioned that H needs to step up and call the kids more often instead of waiting for them to call him. Low and behold, the next day, he called all of the kids for a chat. He didn't tell them about the new woman though. Earlier last year, I told this friend that I was unhappy, but as the year went on, I decided to work on my attitude and when she asked me in about November how I was, I said I was feeling much better and we were getting on well. Note, this friend thrives on drama. I am pretty sure she told H that I was unhappy after I told her that I was not as she tried very hard to convince me that I was still unhappy in my relationship. Note, she is not the OW, I know that for sure, but her daughter is the boarder that H has taken in (also not the OW).

Either that or he is on this site and has found my post and is reading it.

I have decided that from now on, anything I say to her will be with the knowledge that she will pass it on. I won't give her misinformation, but I won't tell her my secrets.

I have also found out that H's brother and his (current) wife have been giving him advice and more than likely, the OW is a friend of theirs. They are not my type of people, in fact, H's brother is a rather vulgar person.

I am just sitting back watching him self-destruct - it is sad but in the end, all I can do is take care of myself and keep my integrity in place. It is hard to let go of loving him.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> i'm really sorry to read your story as i'm in a very similar position,my wife left me after 30 years of marriage completely out of the blue for another man 3 weeks before the Christmas just gone.
> 
> I'm still in a bad way and i'm on antidepressants, unfortunately we are both in the same boat and it's going to take ta lot of time to get over it.
> My advice is to allow yourself time to cry, to be angry, to wallow in self pity. Then just try and take one day at a time and focus on your Granddaughter as there is nothing you can do about the past.


It sure is a hard place to be in. I can't see myself getting over this any time soon.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

I had to go up to our old house today to pick up some work that H had for me. Well, he wouldn't let me in the house, said it was a mess, that he was changing stuff around and he didn't want me to see the mess. He met me at the door with the work and then stood on the driveway to have a brief conversation with me.

I think he has moved my replacement in already and that is why he didn't want to let me in the house. There would be evidence of her being there. People who talk to him say he sounds so happy, he got over his depression pretty quickly then. I suppose it is due to his new target.

I also have come to the conclusion that he is more than likely a covert narcissist. I don't want to get in the habit of giving people labels without proper diagnosis, but after researching this, he fits a lot of the characteristics of a covert narcissist. Realising this has made me understand that perhaps I am not as crazy as I thought, he has been gaslighting me for years. No wonder he could let go and move on so quickly.

I still have my days when I struggle, actually, I struggle every day with the 'Why?'. I struggle to have an interest in doing anything, even though I keep giving myself pep talks and tell myself I am better off without him. I am having some health issues and have lost a lot of weight very quickly. I have no appetite and when I do eat, I get pain in my side. I am undergoing tests for this but just expect that the doctor will say I need to eat properly.

I am concerned that sometime in the future, if ever, I decide to start dating again, I will just keep going for covert narcissists. I could never go for the overt narcissist with the flashy car, house and ego, but I might fall for the tricks of the covert again.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Chippie said:


> I am concerned that sometime in the future, if ever, I decide to start dating again, I will just keep going for covert narcissists. I could never go for the overt narcissist with the flashy car, house and ego, but I might fall for the tricks of the covert again.


So, you are now AWARE of this -- you need to work on yourself to be able to identify this and NOT allow you to fall for them again. Are you doing any IC? They should be able to help you with this!


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