# So lost and confused



## JustaPoliceWife (7 mo ago)

So my husband and I have been together just shy of 15 years, married 13 in November. We have an almost 3 year old daughter. Always have worked in corrections. Last year, he left corrections and by the end of the year acquired a full time spot on a police department. This Jan he put all his focus into the gym and preparing for the police academy. This is when the distance started. He has now lost 75 pounds and looks great. 
Get to the point. A few weeks ago he told me there is issues, he wasn't happy. Okay, I gave him space and he come back to me all lovey, while I returned the affection. Well Monday he said he was going to stay at his parents. He wants space. He said he isn't happy and has no idea how to get there. He states we fight and bicker when we are together and never do anything but go to Walmart. He said there are things going through his head that he needs to figure out. Okay, I'm with him there. He works a lot, his focus is the academy. We work opposite shifts. Since he's been gone this week I have come to realize I have had a huge part in thus as well. I have took advantage and put him down for flat out stupid things. I am just ready for him to come home. I don't believe there is anyone else, there has been no reason to think that. 
Has anyone else been here? I'm trying to give him his time, but how do I not lose my mind? How do we get to the other side? 
Help?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I can't say that I have been there but it seems like he's changing & not giving you a chance to catch up. Shift workers have to be more patient because they don't get a lot of time together. Still you have to make the most of the time you have. 

Have you asked him what a good marriage looks like? Can he specify what's missing so you can work together to put it back? If he doesn't have concrete reasonable answers this is a bit of GIGS


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

First remember there are 2 parties in a relationship and invariably when a relationship goes bad, both parties have to take ownership of the issues (which I think you are doing and that is good). However, I feel you guys are in a kind of unspoken standoff and not communicating. Communication is the hardest part and I can relate because I went through something like this (no 2 situations are 100% identical). We never really spoke about the issues (or ever went to see a marriage councillor or therapist etc.) and my marriage ended after 18-years. I think (I can't say for sure because we never spoke about issues) at least for me, the issue was unresolved conflict -- this is a silent killer for marriages and if you don't deal with it sooner, it will metastasize and become incurable (which I think was the issue with my marriage). 

So my suggestion would be to try to get to a couple therapist and work it out (one way or the other) sooner than later. The challenge would be to get both parties to agree, finding a good therapist, and for both parties take the therapy seriously. No matter what, don't let this slide. Don't sit on it. It is a cancer that will not just magically go away. It is better to have a professional involved right from the beginning. I am stressing the "cancer" analogy in the hopes of communicating the psychological equivalence -- i.e., treat this situation as if both of you have "cancer" and what would you do? -- wait to see if it will fix itself? see if internet remedies will work? etc.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

JPW (!)

Being a "police wife" is NOT a easy path - some pervert/wacko could do him major damage and you have to live with that possibility. With the media hype disrespecting police - I would be constantly on edge.

Looking at your post dispassionately - I suggest you go full Sherlock Holmes. Check everything he does for day-to-day living. Time doing what? Where at? Miles driven on car? Phone usage? Internet stuff? Dress? Personal Grooming?

Not much to go on from your post but the "change of behaviors" smells a bit like someone whois:

Thinking they are not happy in their marriage - long subject why this come to light

Met someone or has been chatting with someone and the "Phantasy Pharamour" syndrome has attacked his brain.

More stuff on the list of things that "could be" - so leave them be for now. 

Apologies for the negative response - but after reading 100s of these stories - one just gets a bit jaded by the claim
"WS wouldn't do that!"

Until one finds out that is exactly what is happening.

Hope you look very hard - and find nothing.

Look up "Standard Evidence Post" here and read it too.


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## JustaPoliceWife (7 mo ago)

I firmly do not think he is up to anything bad. I believe he is stressing out over the academy coming up and not sure how to deal with the stresses of the job sometimes. He has no way to decompress. I've suggested him doing a guys night once a month. Maybe that will help, someone who understands. It just sucks we work completely opposite, a ton of hours and both are always stressed. On top of that we had our daughter late 2019 and then covid took over. I believe we just need to date again, find us again. He's just saying he's not happy where we are now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Have you both considered marriage counseling? You both may also want to do individual counseling. It may help him figure things out.


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## JustaPoliceWife (7 mo ago)

It's been suggested. He left to his parents house Monday night. I currently see a therapist, but he probably needs to and I will be saying I want to see one together before anything drastic is done.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

JustaPoliceWife said:


> I have took advantage and put him down for flat out stupid things.


Would you please elaborate on this? What have you done to take advantage of him and in what ways have you put him down?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Can you change your hours to spend more time with him? 

If he's an adult who needs to decompress, it's up to him to figure that out. You're his wife not his mom or therapist. But I get it. You want to help & you want to fix this. 

Can you help him study? Make him flash cards?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ShatteredKat said:


> JPW (!)
> 
> Being a "police wife" is NOT a easy path - some pervert/wacko could do him major damage and you have to live with that possibility. With the media hype disrespecting police - I would be constantly on edge.
> 
> ...


Just remember that there are privacy laws that apply to, yes, even snooping on your spouse. 

It kind of sounds like your husband got in shape and now thinks he's hot and wonder if he can do better. I think you should try to get him into marriage counseling.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Sounds like an affair to me. Myself, I would be knee-deep in snooping to prove or disprove that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JustaPoliceWife said:


> I firmly do not think he is up to anything bad. I believe he is stressing out over the academy coming up and not sure how to deal with the stresses of the job sometimes. He has no way to decompress. I've suggested him doing a guys night once a month. Maybe that will help, someone who understands. It just sucks we work completely opposite, a ton of hours and both are always stressed. On top of that we had our daughter late 2019 and then covid took over. I believe we just need to date again, find us again. He's just saying he's not happy where we are now.


He is so stressed and has a wife that is in no way supportive and putting him down. May feel like he is in a no win situation and alone.


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