# New here, Im a needy husband trying....



## Trying2getitRIGHT

I joined this site because somewhere along the way in life I have become needy......that being said, it sucks.
When my wife and I first met and started dating, she was very needy and extremely close and affectionate. She spoke very sweet to me, and was so good to me. I feel like somewhere in our marriage she gained some control over me. She started getting angry easy, emotional and would throw the "im leaving you" card a lot. We went to marriage counseling which was ok. She no longer threatens to leave but Im trying to figure this out. Every day I get up with the kids so dhe can sleep. I am not expected to do dishes, but I do them every night and day if Im home during the day. I bathe kids and put them to bed. I tell her she is pretty daily, and am very affectionate with her.

Her:
1.) Very affectionate and talks sweet to kids,
not with me.
2.) She initiates intimacy (sex) once for maybe every 100 times.
3.) She is all about the kids. She wants to do and do and do for the kids, but not for me.
4.) When there is something she doesnt like no matter how small its all or nothing. If im too quiet its a huge deal, im the meanest guy ever. 
5.) When she gets mad she will say "Ill just do what I want for now on, have my life you have yours".
6.) Im a very clean cut hygenic man, yet she says she doesnt like french kissing. She did till we got married.

Im a very clean cut, have good hygene. Im romantic and take her out a lot. In fact I feel like I spoil her rotten. But I feel like she likes to control me. She will initiate amazing sex, then afterwards have nothing to do with me for two three days. Hardly a touch or nice word. Ive begun to pull away as to not be so attached and needy. Ive decided Im not going to put 100% into something that the other person puts in 10%. 
I wish it could be more simple, and we could just work together. I would appreciate any help.


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## Satya

I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....

Here's my quick guide:
1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).

You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.

You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.

Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...


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## jorgegene

your wife needs to remember..............no you, no kids.

your kids were born out of the love you originally had for each other.

without that love (or at least the promise of love), there would be no kids.
you will raise your kids to be fine adults (hopefully) and then they will be gone.
what will be left? you two, and the love that you once swore to each other. that's it.

now, those facts will not necessarily or even likely change her attitude, but they should.

we all need to be shaken out of our take for granted selves and see what's true and real beyond this insane 21st century rat race all around us.


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## Emerging Buddhist

I don't believe in the alpha/beta anymore... in my time here that has transformed into a great belief in the "respecta" because I can be the kindest, gentlest, and giving person and still hold onto that for myself.

We teach people how to treat us... and thus we are rewarded by our efforts.

"Spoiled rotten" does not sound like a good thing... why would you keep doing it?

My friend @farsidejunky taught me these three...

"I'm sorry you feel that way". 

"I see things differently".

"I'm not okay with x".

They are powerful in saying "I deserve to be respected".

Wonderful tools... calming tools... tools you can immediately put into use.

Works everywhere, with anyone, for anything that wants to deliver disrespect to your front door.

Then take 5 minutes to collect yourself with some breathing techniques to reinforce that calm.

And give yourself a smile... you deserve it.


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## urf

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> I joined this site because somewhere along the way in life I have become needy......that being said, it sucks.
> When my wife and I first met and started dating, she was very needy and extremely close and affectionate. She spoke very sweet to me, and was so good to me. I feel like somewhere in our marriage she gained some control over me. She started getting angry easy, emotional and would throw the "im leaving you" card a lot. We went to marriage counseling which was ok. She no longer threatens to leave but Im trying to figure this out. Every day I get up with the kids so dhe can sleep. I am not expected to do dishes, but I do them every night and day if Im home during the day. I bathe kids and put them to bed. I tell her she is pretty daily, and am very affectionate with her.
> 
> Her:
> 1.) Very affectionate and talks sweet to kids,
> not with me.
> 2.) She initiates intimacy (sex) once for maybe every 100 times.
> 3.) She is all about the kids. She wants to do and do and do for the kids, but not for me.
> 4.) When there is something she doesnt like no matter how small its all or nothing. If im too quiet its a huge deal, im the meanest guy ever.
> 5.) When she gets mad she will say "Ill just do what I want for now on, have my life you have yours".
> 6.) Im a very clean cut hygenic man, yet she says she doesnt like french kissing. She did till we got married.
> 
> Im a very clean cut, have good hygene. Im romantic and take her out a lot. In fact I feel like I spoil her rotten. But I feel like she likes to control me. She will initiate amazing sex, then afterwards have nothing to do with me for two three days. Hardly a touch or nice word. Ive begun to pull away as to not be so attached and needy. Ive decided Im not going to put 100% into something that the other person puts in 10%.
> I wish it could be more simple, and we could just work together. I would appreciate any help.


I sure would like to hear what she has to say about you. I'd bet a dollar to a doughnut it sounds way different. Go back to the shrink only this time listen.


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## Satya

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I don't believe in the alpha/beta anymore... in my time here that has transformed into a great belief in the "respecta" because I can be the kindest, gentlest, and giving person and still hold onto that for myself.
> 
> We teach people how to treat us... and thus we are rewarded by our efforts.
> 
> "Spoiled rotten" does not sound like a good thing... why would you keep doing it?
> 
> My friend @farsidejunky taught me these three...
> 
> "I'm sorry you feel that way".
> 
> "I see things differently".
> 
> "I'm not okay with x".
> 
> They are powerful in saying "I deserve to be respected".
> 
> Wonderful tools... calming tools... tools you can immediately put into use.
> 
> Works everywhere, with anyone, for anything that wants to deliver disrespect to your front door.
> 
> Then take 5 minutes to collect yourself with some breathing techniques to reinforce that calm.
> 
> And give yourself a smile... you deserve it.


Well put, EB. I tend to think of alpha/beta as more of a description of frame of mind. Not the meaning either words seems to have taken by excessive use and over-analysis.
She clearly has no respect for him. Only he can reclaim that which has become lost over time, for himself, not because he hopes it will "net" her admiration. When he has greater respect for himself, without any strings attached, people around him will find that respect to be worthy of him. His wife may take longer to "come around" if at all. That's why I say that if he really wants to make a change, it's going to be a long term effort ... and requires some equal effort on her part as well.


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## Keke24

OP, I think what @Satya has posted is excellent advice. You need to stop doing so much for her and do more for yourself.

You sound like a classic nice guy who's convinced that his needs will be met by his partner if he's a giving and caring partner. You want to show her that you're the sensitive type who is different from typical men. Let me guess, you feel like you can never get it right no matter how hard you try and that she always manages to find something wrong?

Does this describe you? If so, you're suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome.

I dated a nice guy and I turned into something similar to the way you describe your wife. I turned into a snappy, impatient, difficult to please, unappreciative, unsexual b***. Honestly I was probably worse than your wife (I lost any sexual interest in him) however he was even more of a nice guy than you sound. Before he finally had the guts to break up with me, I got accepted into a masters program in another country right before I resigned from my job. He took a flight to that country, took 2 suitcases of my stuff with him, found me an apartment close to school, got me a local phone/simcard, packed the fridge/cupboard with groceries, made the bed, unpacked some of my stuff and paid a few months rent in advance. I never asked for this as my mind couldn't even comprehend that this was an option (who does that??) yet I barely acknowledged this massive effort from him. He made zero comment about how little appreciation I showed for it and I was clueless as to how much I should have appreciated that until way after we were done. He would do so much that I learned to expect nothing less than the absolute best.

Marriage counselling may not work, it certainly didn't help us. The focus needs to be solely on fixing you before addressing your wife. I had suggested he get a personal trainer, spend money on treating himself, take a yoga retreat, get individual counselling, find an older male mentor etc and he always had excuses. Yet he always had time/money for me. It's hard to appreciate someone who does not appreciate themselves and puts everyone else first.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Satya said:


> She clearly has no respect for him. Only he can reclaim that which has become lost over time, for himself, not because he hopes it will "net" her admiration. When he has greater respect for himself, without any strings attached, people around him will find that respect to be worthy of him. His wife may take longer to "come around" if at all. That's why I say that if he really wants to make a change, it's going to be a long term effort ... and requires some equal effort on her part as well.


I agree... those three phrases shared earlier will allow him the opportunity to reestablish such boundaries and in the end, it will be time well spent if nothing else but for himself.

But he has to start somewhere, and believing in his own respect is a good place to begin.


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## Jessica38

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> Her:
> 1.) Very affectionate and talks sweet to kids,
> not with me.
> 2.) She initiates intimacy (sex) once for maybe every 100 times.
> 3.) She is all about the kids. She wants to do and do and do for the kids, but not for me.
> 4.) When there is something she doesnt like no matter how small its all or nothing. If im too quiet its a huge deal, im the meanest guy ever.
> 5.) When she gets mad she will say "Ill just do what I want for now on, have my life you have yours".
> 6.) Im a very clean cut hygenic man, yet she says she doesnt like french kissing. She did till we got married.
> .


How old are your kids? And when she complains about you being too quiet, is that because you don't engage with her? Are you looking at devices, working on your laptop when you could be spending time with her? And why does she get mad? What are her complaints about the marriage?

It could be that you're doing things for her but those things aren't meeting her intimate emotional needs. I know that I fell in love with my husband over intimate conversation. I've had to ask my husband many times for more conversation, as he will talk to other people and not have much to say to me. It is as important of a need to me as sex is to him. Without intimate conversation, I don't desire sex. 

Her comment about you having your life and she will have hers sounds to me like she might have an issue with your independent behavior- do you do non-sexual things with her for fun, like exercising together, going places, doing fun things together? 

The top intimate emotional needs are conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sex. Without those things, I wouldn't be motivated to meet my spouse's needs either. 

I don't think acting more independent is the answer here. She's obviously upset about something and she could have a good reason to be. You need to find out what that is so you can fix it. Women who are in love with their husbands desire sex. Women need their emotional needs to be met to feel in love with their husbands, and vice versa.


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## BetrayedDad

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> I would appreciate any help.


From what you describe, she has lost respect for you and attraction. The lack of French kissing is damning. Other signs are, does she enjoy your scent? Does she speak highly of you with other women? Does your opinion matter to her at all?

This is what you need to do to fix the situation. At like a bachelor. I don't mean cheat on her, that's despicable. I mean do everything in your power to raise VALUE in her eyes. And being a man, other women would chase and want makes YOU a commodity she is going to make sure you are happy with her.

Right now, she has no respect for you. She thinks you're a loser who is lucky to have her, cause no one else will, so you aren't going anywhere. Sorry that's the truth. That's why sh!ts all over you. 

Follow this process:

1) Hit the gym hard (not just cardio), HEAVY lifting 3 times a week. Google "Stronglifts 5x5 routine". Put on some muscle. Diet to get to a normal BMI.

2) Clean cut and hygienic is good. Dress well at all times, even if you are bumming around the house and ESPECIALLY anytime you walk out the door.

3) Start making plans OUTSIDE of the marriage. Reconnect with some friends or find a SOCIAL hobby or activity to get involved with. Something that gets you outside frequently.

4) Kill her with kindness but do not yield to ANY of her sh!t tests. Also, stop doing the dishes and do manly choirs like mowing the lawn if you want to contribute. 

5) Don't ever give MORE than you get. Don't compliment her if she doesn't reciprocate. Don't initiate unless she does. Not even 50/50 it should be 40/60 in your favor.

Look at it this way. If all else fails, if you practice 1-5 then you will ALREADY be in prime position to replace her with someone who isn't an ingrate and doesn't treat you like a jerk.


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## Vinnydee

I would have been out of there the first time she threatened to leave given the circumstances, but I have no kids and would never stay in a marriage that emasculated me. It is my experience that men who are controlled by their wives are that way because they let themselves become that way. They are called beta men even though some would claim otherwise. Nothing wrong with being a beta male unless the person you are deferring to is mean spirited and takes advantage of your good nature. My wife and I play a little game when we meet new couples at a social gathering. We can usually guess which spouse wears the pants in the family by how they treated each other. 

Another problem you have is that you flinched first when she threatened to leave you. That emboldened her and basically told her that you will take anything she dishes out rather than risk losing her. She simply controlled you because she could. That is not an act of love so you are doubly screwed. You have a wife that does not really love you and a woman who does not think you are much of a man. You need to do something about that and my solution does not involve a counsellor trying to stand up to her for me. You need to man up and I do not mean beat her or dominate her. I mean that you need to refuse to be controlled by your wife. If the dishes are dirty, leave them. If she yells at you talk calming to her and explain that you will not put up with her controlling you and if she does not change you will divorce her and leave her to not only take care of the kids, but also do all the cleaning and cooking. You need to turn the tables and not show that you are afraid of losing her although I think it is too late for that. You have shown her that she can control you already and that is difficult to change.


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## Marc878

Marriage should be balanced @ 50/50 if you do to much you can get taken advantage of and lose respect.

Do your part nothing more. Go your own way if she's not willing to meet you half way. Go out with friends/family. Join a gym and start working out. 

If you chase they will move farther away. Strength is attractive, weakness is not.

Just to be on the safe side. Check your phone bill.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT

Actually Im never on my phone around her. Problem is Ive basically been too available. My life has revolved around her. I am now not talking as much because I invested too much in her before. When we sit on couch and watch tv shes on her phone, in car on her phone, I just sit there. Ive over given myself. I used to depend on her approval. She has replaced me with our kids. I was very needy, im now pulling away.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT

Marc878 said:


> Marriage should be balanced @ 50/50 if you do to much you can get taken advantage of and lose respect.
> 
> Do your part nothing more. Go your own way if she's not willing to meet you half way. Go out with friends/family. Join a gym and start working out.
> 
> If you chase they will move farther away. Strength is attractive, weakness is not.
> 
> Just to be on the safe side. Check your phone bill.


Ive checked phone bill. Shes not doing anything. I think she gets her emotional needs met by kids. I agree, I think me being needy has been unattractive. So now Im still loving her, just doing my thing too. I dont live for her approval. I feel like she tries to control me by keeping me on my heels. If imtoo close im smothering, if Im not all over her im distant. Its like she keeps me in a state of suspense, never able to get it right. I stopped caring for myself and gained a lot of weight, as has she. I have now started caring for myself and getting in shape, im building my own self esteem, she is not going too.


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## Jessica38

I think you need to dig deeper. If your kids are very young, it's easy to be overwhelmed and consumed and too focused on them and their needs, but even so...your wife has emotional needs that are only met by a spouse (or OM). Your children aren't able to make her feel attractive, special, and sexy. They can't engage in intimate conversation that most wives need and love from their husbands. 

I think you should talk to her. Tell her your needs are not being met, and here's what you want. Ask her what she wants/needs and make sure you're meeting them. Let her know the status quo isn't working for you, and you're pretty sure it isn't working for her either.

Then, if she isn't willing to meet you halfway, I'd say get your own life. But most women want and need their husband's attention to feel in love.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT

BetrayedDad said:


> From what you describe, she has lost respect for you and attraction. The lack of French kissing is damning. Other signs are, does she enjoy your scent? Does she speak highly of you with other women? Does your opinion matter to her at all?
> 
> This is what you need to do to fix the situation. At like a bachelor. I don't mean cheat on her, that's despicable. I mean do everything in your power to raise VALUE in her eyes. And being a man, other women would chase and want makes YOU a commodity she is going to make sure you are happy with her.
> 
> Right now, she has no respect for you. She thinks you're a loser who is lucky to have her, cause no one else will, so you aren't going anywhere. Sorry that's the truth. That's why sh!ts all over you.
> 
> Follow this process:
> 
> 1) Hit the gym hard (not just cardio), HEAVY lifting 3 times a week. Google "Stronglifts 5x5 routine". Put on some muscle. Diet to get to a normal BMI.
> 
> 2) Clean cut and hygienic is good. Dress well at all times, even if you are bumming around the house and ESPECIALLY anytime you walk out the door.
> 
> 3) Start making plans OUTSIDE of the marriage. Reconnect with some friends or find a SOCIAL hobby or activity to get involved with. Something that gets you outside frequently.
> 
> 4) Kill her with kindness but do not yield to ANY of her sh!t tests. Also, stop doing the dishes and do manly choirs like mowing the lawn if you want to contribute.
> 
> 5) Don't ever give MORE than you get. Don't compliment her if she doesn't reciprocate. Don't initiate unless she does. Not even 50/50 it should be 40/60 in your favor.
> 
> Look at it this way. If all else fails, if you practice 1-5 then you will ALREADY be in prime position to replace her with someone who isn't an ingrate and doesn't treat you like a jerk.


I like your post. Ive already started these things and have noticed her starting to initiate sex again. When she gives me crap I just stick to my guns. I show that Im not caving to her control. I have stopped complimenting her because she does not compliment me much. 
I am tired of being the giver. I am now at the place where I dont care what happens. Im not going to live scared. It still sucks to see her all over our kids and not much for me. Im just going to be me. Some great posts here. Im a 6'2" guy with a nice build and im just going to focus on being the best human I can. Like you said I win either way! Thank you!


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## Trying2getitRIGHT

Satya said:


> I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....
> 
> Here's my quick guide:
> 1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
> 2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
> 3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
> 4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).
> 
> You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
> You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.
> 
> You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
> The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.
> 
> Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...


I appreciate your post. I totally agree. She has daddy issues and was molested by her step dad. I believe there are some personaly issues there.


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## jlg07

Satya said:


> I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....
> 
> Here's my quick guide:
> 1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
> 2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
> 3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
> 4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).
> 
> You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
> You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.
> 
> You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
> The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.
> 
> Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...


Especially read the first book. X1000 to everything in this post.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

This link may or may not help her see you in a different light. Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife In regards to the abuse.

You need to knock her off her pedestal. You love her & show it by trying to make her life easier. Quite a few women will start to view you like that overly friendly black lab puppy. 

You keep getting slapped down & you just keep coming back for more waggin your tail. She feels like you will always be there, taking whatever crap she hands out.

As mentioned before, read No More Mr. Nice Guy & Married Man Sex Primer without her seeing you read them.

Both of you read The 5 Love Languages and discuss. She needs to meet yours, as well as you meeting hers.


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## Satya

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Both of you read The 5 Love Languages and discuss. She needs to meet yours, as well as you meeting hers.


Thank you for mentioning. This book should have been added to my list. The 5LL is an essential read.


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## Trying2getitRIGHT

Satya said:


> I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....
> 
> Here's my quick guide:
> 1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
> 2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
> 3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
> 4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).
> 
> You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
> You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.
> 
> You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
> The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.
> 
> Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...


Just got the sex primer book. All i can say is awesome, and thank you. My wife has never told me no when I initiate sex.....so thats good. We have sex usually every other day. Its the quality that Im after. I have lost a bunch of weight already, and im going to impliment the MAP. Im just tired of being the chaser and the door mat. Im a good looking guy, nice build under the fat, lol. Im going to make my stock a little higher by being more alpha. I used to be, then somewhere the vagina controlled me. Not anymore. She has already started noticing last few weeks i have stopped rewarding bad behavior. Now the MAP. Thank you sooooo much.


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## anchorwatch

Along with MMSLP, I second and third reading Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages too. 

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Good luck. 


Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


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## Trying2getitRIGHT

anchorwatch said:


> Along with MMSLP, I second and third reading Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages too.
> 
> Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®
> 
> Good luck.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


We have done the 5 love languages. Funny thing, my love language was words of affirmation, touch. She was too. I think I was just too much of a yes man.


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## anchorwatch

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> We have done the 5 love languages. Funny thing, my love language was words of affirmation, touch. She was too. I think I was just too much of a yes man.


Good observation, now to what is central, YOU. 

A man needs to find his balance... his sweet spot. The place where he is one with himself, without shame. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


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## anchorwatch

From "Hold on to your N.U.T. s by Wayne M. Levine

What Are N.U.T.s?

N.U.T.s are your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. N.U.T.s are the things you’re committed to, the things that matter more than anything else: your kids, your work, yourself, your purpose, your spiritual practice, your hobbies, your integrity, your morals and your emotional and psychological well-being.

N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised, will gradually—but assuredly—turn you into a pissed-off, resentful man who will likely blame others—especially your wife—for your unhappiness.

Your N.U.T.s are uniquely yours. They reflect who you are as a man and the man you want to be. Compromise your N.U.T.s, and you’ll compromise yourself. Compromise yourself too often, and you’ll become an extremely unhappy man, husband and father.

Sample N.U.T.s

Here’s a short list of Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms provided by the men of our BetterMen Community. These will give you an idea of the N.U.T.s which men, like you, have developed for themselves in their efforts to be the men they want to be.	

I am faithful to my wife.
I say what I want.
Compassion for my family trumps my need to be right.
I replace doubt with acts of faith.
I am a risk taker.
I devote at least three hours a week to my writing.
I will only seek validation from the men.
I live in accordance with my religious faith.
I do what I believe is in the best interest of my kids, even if they disagree.
My commitment to my children comes before everything else.
Patience over temper.
I do not ask for permission.
Fear does not keep me from taking risks.
I do not indulge my addictions.
I am a man of my word—period!
I take my problems to men, not to women.
I do not show anger to my elderly mother.
I do not tolerate my wife’s attempts to belittle me.
When name-calling begins, the discussion is over.
I spend time with the men.
I have my own private office/space some place in my house.
I exercise regularly.
I do whatever it takes to keep my family in our home.
I ask for help when I’m not being the man I want to be.
I speak my mind in spite of my fear of confrontation.
I honor my daily spiritual practice.
I welcome feedback.
I only apologize when it’s appropriate, not simply to please others.
I do not hide out at work just to avoid issues at home.
I decide how I interact with my boys.
I choose which of my friendships to maintain.
I do not sell out who I am to placate others.
I share my men’s work with the men in my life.
I do as I see fit.


This list is here simply to inspire you. Maybe some of these N.U.T.s resonate with you. If so, use them and make them your own. But perhaps your N.U.T.s aren’t listed above. Do you know what they are? Not sure? No problem. Let’s talk first about how a man finds his N.U.T.s.

Finding Your N.U.T.s

Never Compromise Your N.U.T.s

Understanding the importance of finding and never compromising your N.U.T.s—your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms—is the most important thing you, as a man, will do. This may be the most important lesson you will learn from Hold On To Your N.U.T.s. So here it is:

Once you find your N.U.T.s, never forget them and never compromise them.

For some men, that may sound like great advice, a few years too late. But it’s not too late. What you read here will help. In fact, men just like you have turned their lives and their relationships around because they’ve committed themselves to finding their N.U.T.s and maintaining a firm grasp of their Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms.

OK, so now that you understand what N.U.T.s are, how do you get started finding yours? Some men find their N.U.T.s over time, while others sit down and make a list. Either way, here are some of the questions you’ll want to ask yourself:

What’s most important to me in life?

Are there activities I used to do for fun that I no longer do? Is someone interfering and am I resentful because of it?

Are there valuable friendships with men I’ve let slip away?

Where am I currently having problems (unhappy, frustrated, sad, angry, resentful) in my life, and did compromising myself—and what’s important to me—contribute to my feelings and/or the situation?

What dreams have I abandoned?

If I’m going to be the man I want to be, what will I have to do differently?

TIP!

Having trouble understanding what a N.U.T. feels like? Try this: You’re walking down the street with your young daughter and a stranger grabs her, intending to kidnap her. How do you feel about that? Is giving up your daughter acceptable? Could you be persuaded to see the advantages of giving your daughter to a stranger? No? Of course not! In fact, you don’t even have to consider it. It’s very clear to you: You don’t let strangers take your daughter! It’s non-negotiable and unalterable. It’s a term of yours. You have a N.U.T. How about that!

That’s how clear your N.U.T.s must eventually be for you. Your N.U.T.s must be so ingrained that you don’t even consider them when challenged. They just are.

Some men may have a hard time identifying their N.U.T.s on their own and would benefit from the support of other men. (That’s why Develop Trusting Relationships With Men is one of the BetterMen Tools.) In men’s groups, many men will find their N.U.T.s by hearing from others who have had similar challenges, men who have identified their own Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms.

Protect Your N.U.T.s

Once you’ve identified your N.U.T.s, you’ll most likely have a short list of Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. Remembering them should not be a problem. Remembering to live them, however, is where you will be challenged.

Keep your N.U.T.s close to the vest—and review them daily—until you’re ready to live them. (By all means, share them with the men in your life who can help to define your N.U.T.s and then support you when you’re ready to put them into action.)

Sharing your N.U.T.s prematurely is often an indication of your need for approval. You may be tempted to mention your N.U.T.s to your woman to test her reaction, and to see what resistance you may be up against. Also, receiving permission to live your N.U.T.s defeats their purpose.

Remember, you don’t ask for permission to be the man you want to be, you simply have to be that man.

Again, N.U.T.s are to be lived, not discussed. So resist the temptation to talk about your N.U.T.s with those who ultimately will be impacted by them. Wait until you’re ready, and then live them.

8 Tools That Will Change Your Life | The Art of Manliness


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## Trying2getitRIGHT

Satya said:


> I'm sure the TAM gentlemen will be around in a moment to offer their Disaster Recovery Plan....
> 
> Here's my quick guide:
> 1. Read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."
> 2. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
> 3. Read "Hold on to your NUTS."
> 4. Start working out (if you don't already), eat well (if you don't already), stop drinking alcohol (if you do).
> 
> You've become an uber beta male that has lost the respect of his wife. You are no longer fit to captain the relationship. You've turned into the boy with the mop, swabbing the deck.
> You have no value to speak of that you are actively demonstrating, which is why she uses you for sex and withholds affection. It's a passive punishment. You are dispensable.
> 
> You need to STOP doing things for her. You need to START looking inward at doing things for yourself.
> The change process is not going to happen overnight, or even in a week or a month. It's going to take at least 6 months to a year of constant work on yourself to get your wife on board with your changes. That is assuming that she is a "normal" woman without any sort of personality disorder. I don't use those words lightly.... nor am I joking. There is a whole other set of rules to deal with a spouse with a PD, but I'm not qualified to diagnose that.
> 
> Ok, on to you, men of TAM. Here are some tools to help...


I read the books! Last few weeks have been amazing! My wife is much more affectionate and not picking fights with me (as much). The only issue i am having is this...
Ive lost a ton of weight over last 2 months, my sex rank has gone way up, she notices it. She very much enjoys my nicer body and better looks. But now she is getting paranoid. She accused me today of staring at women at lunch, which i wasnt. I told her what i was doing and that im telling the truth. I used to grovel and hang on her to persuade her, im not doing that anymore. Am i correct in this? I told her she has to trust me. Ive told her before i thought she was looking at a guy, before reading the books, she would just tell me no. Thats exactly what im doing. I feel like these are tests. Help? Thank you!


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## FamilyMaid

She sounds like my husband. Google what it says in the Bible. Your spouse comes ahead of your children. When our son was born, my husband said, " he is my first priority and comes before everyone else." Some years later, my husband found God again. Our son was still a priority in his eyes. He would take him places (father and son time). Sometimes he would have discussions with family or friends about the Bible and how well he knew it, so one night, I said, "If you know the Bible so we'll, what does it say about marriage?" He completely ignored me. Guess he just wants to select quotes that benefit him - cherry pick them. He still won't answer me about that. Our son has become the biggest part of his life, I feel I don't even exist anymore. Hope you can turn her around. Good luck!


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## straightshooter

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> I joined this site because somewhere along the way in life I have become needy......that being said, it sucks.
> When my wife and I first met and started dating, she was very needy and extremely close and affectionate. She spoke very sweet to me, and was so good to me. I feel like somewhere in our marriage she gained some control over me. She started getting angry easy, emotional and would throw the "im leaving you" card a lot. We went to marriage counseling which was ok. She no longer threatens to leave but Im trying to figure this out. Every day I get up with the kids so dhe can sleep. I am not expected to do dishes, but I do them every night and day if Im home during the day. I bathe kids and put them to bed. I tell her she is pretty daily, and am very affectionate with her.
> 
> Her:
> 1.) Very affectionate and talks sweet to kids,
> not with me.
> 2.) She initiates intimacy (sex) once for maybe every 100 times.
> 3.) She is all about the kids. She wants to do and do and do for the kids, but not for me.
> 4.) When there is something she doesnt like no matter how small its all or nothing. If im too quiet its a huge deal, im the meanest guy ever.
> *5.) When she gets mad she will say "Ill just do what I want for now on, have my life you have yours".*
> 6.) Im a very clean cut hygenic man, yet she says she doesnt like french kissing. She did till we got married.
> 
> Im a very clean cut, have good hygene. Im romantic and take her out a lot. In fact I feel like I spoil her rotten. But I feel like she likes to control me. She will initiate amazing sex, then afterwards have nothing to do with me for two three days. Hardly a touch or nice word. Ive begun to pull away as to not be so attached and needy. Ive decided Im not going to put 100% into something that the other person puts in 10%.
> I wish it could be more simple, and we could just work together. I would appreciate any help.



I'd read the bolded part of her comments above a few times. Sounds like if she keeps repeating that she may already be doing what she wants. And that might not be so good for you.


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## lisacolorado

Your problem is a typical pattern. I'm like your wife, and the more my husband does for me, the harder it is for me to feel attracted to him because I feel it like this: He doesn't really SEE me anymore. I can act like a witch and not get questioned. I'm just being nice to have control over the situation. I would like for my husband to do more things that energize him, that he is good at, and that will give him the power to quit taking nonsense from me. I've been studying Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, and it describes me very well except I'm not having a physical affair but I'm looking around. I'm just being honest with you and warning you that your instinct to be nice is showing you the problem with it, so pay attention. We need truth.


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## lisacolorado

Good!


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## farsidejunky

lisacolorado said:


> Your problem is a typical pattern. I'm like your wife, and the more my husband does for me, the harder it is for me to feel attracted to him because I feel it like this: He doesn't really SEE me anymore. I can act like a witch and not get questioned. I'm just being nice to have control over the situation. I would like for my husband to do more things that energize him, that he is good at, and that will give him the power to quit taking nonsense from me. I've been studying Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, and it describes me very well except I'm not having a physical affair but I'm looking around. I'm just being honest with you and warning you that your instinct to be nice is showing you the problem with it, so pay attention. We need truth.


Every man should read this post repeatedly until it sinks in.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Trying2getitRIGHT said:


> I read the books! Last few weeks have been amazing! My wife is much more affectionate and not picking fights with me (as much). The only issue i am having is this...
> Ive lost a ton of weight over last 2 months, my sex rank has gone way up, she notices it. She very much enjoys my nicer body and better looks. But now she is getting paranoid. She accused me today of staring at women at lunch, which i wasnt. I told her what i was doing and that im telling the truth. I used to grovel and hang on her to persuade her, im not doing that anymore. Am i correct in this? I told her she has to trust me. Ive told her before i thought she was looking at a guy, before reading the books, she would just tell me no. Thats exactly what im doing. I feel like these are tests. Help? Thank you!


If she wonders why your working out so much, tell her what I told my wife. (at your discretion)

I said " I'm working out because i want to be with someone that WANTS to be with me, WANTS to have sex with me. I hope that's you".

Even without saying what I printed above. Take her paranoia and see it as confirmation you are on the right path. Become a better you.


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