# Can I get over this?



## Northernsoul (2 mo ago)

I’m Wondering if anyone can provide some good advice or has first hand experience. Sorry this is really long! 💔

Me and my husband have been married for 6 years and have 2 children (5&2) 

I have recently found out he’s cheated on me. He’s told me he’s kissed the other woman - twice before lockdown and 3 times since, most recent a few weeks ago. She has also FaceTimed him whilst naked etc. 
I told him to ring her whilst I was listening on the phone and I told him what to say etc so I do believe it has just been kisses from her reactions. 

However, there have been other incidents in the past. More along the lines of comments on photos, or receiving a ‘racy’ photo and complimenting etc. as far as I am aware it has never gone any further 🙏 

Now these are not excuses because he had a choice and he has made mad choices. However we have had an extremely hard few years. 2018 - our first born was a very traumatic birth and I almost died, it took me a long time to realise i needed counselling but he has never spoken to anyone about it. Then just before covid his dad was taken to hospital and subsequently put into a care home for dementia. In 2019 he was also signed off work for a week with stress after having an ‘episode’, colleagues thought he was having a stroke etc. 
In 2020 we had to enter an iva due to financial situation, and 2nd child was born via emergency c-section at the end of 2020. During this his eldest son (21) decided he didn’t want to see us and wouldn’t explain why, he just cut all strings. Sadly his father passed away around 4 months ago. 
As I have said these aren’t excuses but an insight perhaps to our world. 

I haven’t been 100% happy the last few years as I have felt we haven’t communicated well and we aren’t very loving to each other (nothing like abuse etc just more like housemates - but I never thought it would end like this) and whilst I totally do not blame myself for the choices he has made I really feel I was not there 100% for him through everything as much as I could have been, stuck in a rut nagging about the house, childcare etc. 

He seems genuinely remorseful and it seems this is a wake up call. He has called the drs and been referred for counselling, he has contacted a private counsellor and he has reached out to relate for couples counselling (I am undecided whether I can attend or not yet) 
I am concerned for him as I have never ever seen him like this. I am not a hard person and it’s killing me that I can’t offer him any of my support because my world is shattered. 
He has confided in 1/2 close friends and is trying to explain things to me. He feels like he has always tried to self sabotage everything he does. He claims to be totally in love and very happy in our relationship. But he can’t explain why he did this. 

I guess I am looking for advice: 

has anyone overcome betrayal and cheating and managed to have a happy marriage after?
Am I being naive to think this is the first time it’s happened or that’s all that happened?
Should I at least try couples counselling before walking away?

To add my family are around 4 hours away and I would be moving back to them - he has said he will follow me and live near by as he can’t bare to lose his kids. 

Sorry it’s long. 😭💔


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

First a few questions… how did you find out? How long ago did you find out? And has any details in his story changed at all? 

Im sorry this is happening, but you have to understand we all heard the ol “I just kissed her” story before.


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## Northernsoul (2 mo ago)

I found photos he had screenshot from a FaceTime call with her.
At first of course it was nothing has happened and then seconds later he broke down saying he had kissed her. 
nothing in his story has changed since
I found out 3 days ago.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Three days. Ok, this is WAY too soon to start deciding he is truly remorseful. You don’t even know the whole story. I didn’t get even half the story for months.

When dealing with someone who betrayed you, always assume they are not capable of telling the truth and never take their words at face value.

Regardless of whether or not you want to reconcile, it’s far too soon to make that decision. Successful reconciliation doesn’t happen 3 days after discovery, it takes YEARS of hard work by the betrayer and you can’t possibly know if anything he says is real or genuine.

You are just at the beginning here… it would be helpful if you stop focusing on him and focus on you and how you will make yourself whole again, without him. He is responsible for himself. Your marriage is over. Whether he wants to rebuild a new one is on him, he has to change and become a person who knows exactly why he cheated, and go through intensive counseling to deal with that. And all that after you have 100% truth. I would take bets that you don’t have that yet. (And likely never will)

I wouldn’t ever believe he only went so far as to only kiss women he was in physical proximity to, and saw naked online, even if I wanted very badly to believe that 3 days into finding out about an affair.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

The fact he kept pictures is concerning. I think this is the first thing you’ve caught. I would take a break. You don’t kiss other women when you’re in love with your wife


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's unlikely that having kissed several times and seen her naked at least once online(probably more), that it didn't go further even if wasn't full sex. Most cheaters start with 'well we just kissed'. 

Before I made any decisions about the future I would at least want to know if what I had been told was the full truth so I would set up a lie detector test. 
How can you decide when you may not know the extent of the affair? 

See what his reaction is when you tell him about the test and tell him that if the test shows he has lied, you will leave immediately. 
Hopefully the full truth may come out then even without the test.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Northernsoul said:


> ......Me and my husband have been *married for 6 years and have 2 children (5&2)*
> 
> I have recently found out he’s cheated on me. He’s told me he’s kissed the other woman - twice before lockdown and 3 times since, most recent a few weeks ago. She has also FaceTimed him whilst naked etc.
> *I told him to ring her whilst I was listening on the phone and I told him what to say etc so I do believe it has just been kisses from her reactions.*
> ...





Northernsoul said:


> I found photos he had screenshot from a FaceTime call with her.
> At first of course it was nothing has happened and then seconds later he broke down saying he had kissed her.
> nothing in his story has changed since
> I found out 3 days ago.


From my perspective there are a few unexplained red flags.

Facetime nude chats, sort of sound like an OnlyFans or Camgirl trying to get money out of your H. However, meeting in person to kiss puts it in a whole different ballpark, like an escort kind of thing or financial domination thing. Still it could be an old fashioned EA working its way into a PA. So has your H been spending money on this OW? Have you checked your credit cards, checks, etc.?

Clearly, your husband has problems with traditional boundaries associated with marriage in the past. Have you and your H ever discussed any red lines that if crossed make a continued marriage impossible? If not, now would be the right time.

As to trying marriage counseling, I would suggest yes. However, my reasons might surprise you. First, whether you and your H can reconcile will depend a lot more on him than you. If he is actually remorseful (as you indicate) and wants to try marriage counseling, I would suggest give it a try. By that I mean go into it with your eyes open and very specific expectations. 

Your first goal in counseling should be to figure out your and your cheating H's living relationship, while in counseling to figure out if the two of you should remain married. Your second goal in counseling should be to learn how to set boundaries in a relationship and figure out what you need in a relationship to be comfortable continuing a marriage relationship. Your third goal should be about your two children and what he and you feel are important for the man in your life to provide them and provide you, even if that man is not your current H. Note that none of these are directly about whether you will divorce or not. They are to help you figure out what you need for being married to a man, whether it is your current H or someone else. They are about helping you learn from the mistakes that have overtaken your life.

This first phase will be about helping you to figure out what is important to you moving forward with or without your H. Once that is achieved then the Marriage Counseling can help each of you figure out, if you H and you are capable of making the changes so that you can remain married. And this can include what promises you will each make to each other.

Personally, I think it is a long shot your H can change enough, but because there are two small children and he seems remorseful, it may be worth a try, but the choice is yours.

You should also get tested for STD's and have him show you his STD test results. 

Again, something doesn't seem quite right with the naked video chatting.

Good luck to you and your two children.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Idk, I think my initial reaction would be to ask him to leave or I would leave for a few days to get a clear mind. Your husband’s knee jerk reaction of wiling to do whatever it takes to not lose you is common. He wasn’t thinking that when he was cheating.

I wouldn’t rush to making any decisions to stay or leave, until you process it all. Sorry you’re here.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Highly unlikely that this was the first time he's cheated. This is only the first time (unless you've caught him before on multiple occasions)that he's been caught by you.

This has probably went beyond kissing. They both probably recited rehearsed answers in case you ever found out.

He's probably not remorseful. He isn't going to stop (you may already know that from previous times).

Also this is a codependent relationship.

You two are probably comfortable in the unhealthiness, dysfunction and toxicity of the relationship.


This is why you two are okay with living like housemates instead of letting go.

He is only saying those things because he doesn't want to have joint custody and tending to the children by himself...or deal with any of the other things you do.


Your marriage is over. It has been over a long time ago.

You two are just housemates.


Let's be honest.

You'll never trust him again (if you ever did). You'll always be paranoid with worry, and playing "detective" if you stay.

Is this what you want to continue to expose your children to??


This unhealthy dysfunctional environment and relationship?



Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?


Worrying about him cheating. Finding out he's cheating. Confronting him and perhaps the other parties involved.

Continuing to make yourself look foolish with the help of him.


He's telling you what you want to hear.


He's agreeing to counseling and everything to get you temporarily off his back..


He isn't going to change or stop. Counseling or not.


You probably know this already.

You aren't the blame or responsible for his actions.


The only way that he'll loose his kids is if he decides to not be active in their lives anymore, if you were to divorce.


Don't let him manipulate or guilt trip you into staying.



If you stay, you're giving him permission (not that he needs it) to cheat.


I personally would divorce and leave.

One time (if that's all that I'm aware of)
is too many. Once is a deal breaker for me.


Also, clearly to be asking such a question means that you have very low self esteem and don't think very highly of yourself.


I advise you to divorce, go to therapy so that perhaps you can learn to feel highly of yourself, and learn how to respect yourself.



Do better for yourself and children.

You don't have to accept this.

You and the kids deserve better.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I disagree with any marriage counseling for at least 6 months to a year of seeing real results from the cheater.

MCs are notorious for making affairs into an issue BOTH people are responsible for contributing to, and have to fix together. That’s simply back asswards. The affair was not caused by, nor can the cheater be fixed by the betrayed spouse. Fixing marriage issues come after the cheater gives the whole truth and fixes themselves and what made them cheat (ie entitlement, selfishness and a vacuous need for external validation for instance).


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Good stuff here:



QuietRiot said:


> I disagree with any marriage counseling for at least 6 months to a year of seeing real results from the cheater.
> 
> MCs are notorious for making affairs into an issue BOTH people are responsible for contributing to, and have to fix together. That’s simply back asswards. The affair was not caused by, nor can the cheater be fixed by the betrayed spouse. Fixing marriage issues come after the cheater gives the whole truth and fixes themselves and what made them cheat (ie entitlement, selfishness and a vacuous need for external validation for instance).


Those who have walked the path you are on - know the heartache and pains - but you must harden your heart and tell your hubby you will no longer tolerate the disrespect he has dumped on you. 

And - I would pay a visit to a Solicitor to see what your future would be should you find that this "marriage" you are in is recoverable - that is the infidelity, disrespect, and hubby fixes himself does not happen


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Northernsoul said:


> I guess I am looking for advice:
> 
> has anyone overcome betrayal and cheating and managed to have a happy marriage after?
> Am I being naive to think this is the first time it’s happened or that’s all that happened?
> Should I at least try couples counselling before walking away?


1: After one incident, SOME couples have successfully reconciled, but they are very much in the minority. After multiple instances, no, not usually.

2: You KNOW this isn't the first time, come on now

3: Nup. Save your money for the move.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Regardless of what you decide the " Trust " is gone in your marriage. 

The seed has been planted and it will grow like a Fu#king cancer until it consumes your very being. 

Do you really want to live like the Warden in what you have left ? 

Always wondering ? Where is he. Why is he late , is he with her ?

I just can't see the future in that type of life. Do you ?

Your children are young , but they know when mommy and daddy aren't happy. It affects them in ways you can't see now , But will manifest later in life

Think of the life lesson that you are teaching them by remaining with him...

Think about that. Best of luck , Jimi


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

At the very least, I would strongly encourage individual counseling first before any couples counseling. I too fear that you likely don't have the full story, and right now, he needs to work on himself first.

For the time being, just focus on you and the kids.


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