# Why should I stay in this marriage?



## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Hi, I just signed onto this site today. I have been looking for some advice and help for a few months as I am about to lose it. I have been married for 3 years. We dated for 3 years prior to marriage. I have two daughters ages 3 and 1. My husband is horrible! He comes home every night/morning rather around 4 am. Before you ask, no he didnt party every night while we were dating. Only a couple nights a week. He loves to party and get wasted every night. He no longer tells me he loves. He no longer kisses me. I have talked to him about this over and over but he doesn't care enough about me to change. He is all about himself right now. He told me he is going to do what he wants. He says he is depressed. He has been out of work for over a year. I work full time. I can't do anything right. He criticizes me from the time I get home to the time he goes back out. I can't make a mistake. I am doing the best I can. I go to work, pick the children up from daycare, go home, cook, put the kids in the tub, do the dishes, play with the kids then put them to bed. I do not sit down once I get home. He only plays with the kids. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, working full time, keeping the kids neat. He gets up around 1 pm. Sleeping all morning. In his defense he has gone on interviews but no job so far. I am tired of going to bed alone. Tired of complaining. Tired of saying I don't feel loved and him not changing. He doesn't care. I don't even think he loves me. This isn't love is it? Am I looking for something impossible? Is this the way marriage is? If so I want out. I get no romance, no appreciation and no respect. I am so unhappy. Isn't a husband susposed to come home at night? What kind of message is this going to send to my girls? I pay all the bills and split whats left after the bills between us [$300 a piece for 2 weeks] and he blew all of his money in 2 days! I want to cry. I am tired of being broke. I use my money to buy pull ups, food and diapers and I still have a some left. He's so selfish he spends all of his on himself! And the babies need sneakers but he doesn't even care! WTF! 

And now to top it off there is a new contractor at my job that stares at me like I am the best thing since sliced bread. I love the way he looks at me. It hasn't gone beyond staring but its a shame that it takes a stranger to make me "loved".


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well only you can answer this question, obviously you still have some feelings for H or you wouldnt post here. This behaviour is unacceptable, so I would give him the ultimatum to either start acting like a H or get the hell out, if he doesnt change file for D. I personally dnt think you should get involved in an affair, or rebound relationship but that just my opinion.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

LADYGAINES,

To answer your questions (in my opinion), hell no marriage and love aren't supposed to be and feel like that. Yeah, he's depressed but he's not depressed enough to stay home, is he? I am not a psychologist so feel free to discount what I am saying but it seems like he is using the depression as an excuse to do what he wants. You seem to have no time for yourself, no time with him, and no help with keeping your house in order. So the question is, what exactly is he bringing to the table? Look, my wife is depressed about her employment situation too. And, it's put some strain on our marriage at times. But, no way would I stand for what you are putting up with and you shouldn't either. If he's not bringing home a check, he could at least help around the house and with the kids.

Obviously, things need to change and unfortunately, you have to put the change in motion. First off, explicitly tell him what you expect from him. And, if he can't do that, then you need to figure out what your next move is. I believe that counseling should help and he sounds like he needs help getting a handle on his depression. Also, stop splitting the extra money with him if he's going to blow it anyway. I am sure that you and your kids could use the money for a better cause than drinking. 

I hope that you and he can getting a handle on this because marriage really isn't supposed to be like this. Trust me, everyone has had to deal with the ups and downs. But your hubby sounds like he needs you to be the "adult" until he can act like he has some sense. 

P.S. Stay away from the studly contractor. It's trouble in the making.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. I doubt very seriously that anything will come of this staring contractor. He's been staring for 2 whole weeks and hasn't said anything but Hello. I just feel its kind of pathetic to get any pleasure out of this man staring at me. That is just how desperate for love I have become.


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## Skuba (Aug 29, 2010)

I dont know if Im qualified to give advice, givin that I am on this site with you. Your relationship sounds like hell to me, and I dont know how you are still staying with him. I dont have any kids with my wife, but I can understand if thats a big reason for not leaving yet. But, there is got to be a point where too much is too much. I only wish my wife would have said something to me before she walked out. Weve never fought about anything since we got married. At least you have told him what you need, what you want. I could have understood my wife leaving if she had said something, anything about not being happy, or about anything bothering her. Cause I would have done anything to work on it, and if I couldnt do it, At least I could have known that I tried. I think if you have told him everything, you need to give him a choice. Be a husband, or find a new life. Probably easier said than done. But if you gave him a chance, theres nothing more you can do. I think everybody deserves to be happy. I hope this helps at least a little.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Orion said:


> LADYGAINES,
> 
> To answer your questions (in my opinion), hell no marriage and love aren't supposed to be and feel like that. Yeah, he's depressed but he's not depressed enough to stay home, is he? I am not a psychologist so feel free to discount what I am saying but it seems like he is using the depression as an excuse to do what he wants. You seem to have no time for yourself, no time with him, and no help with keeping your house in order. So the question is, what exactly is he bringing to the table? Look, my wife is depressed about her employment situation too. And, it's put some strain on our marriage at times. But, no way would I stand for what you are putting up with and you shouldn't either. If he's not bringing home a check, he could at least help around the house and with the kids.
> 
> ...


:iagree: great stuff here I dont think I can add to this except I think it is spot on.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm sorry about your situation. If it were me, I'd explain the need for changes one last time and if that didn't work (unlikely considering previous responses) I'd kick the loser to the curb. I too am a bit depressed because of my unemployment situation, and I act nothing like your husband. Your husband sounds like an absolute nightmare. He criticizes you, doesn't help with the kids and doesn't contribute financially. He parties and drinks a lot. He doesn't care that you feel neglected and unloved. Honestly, what's the point of being with him? You'll be SO much happier without him.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

As for me not much progress. I guess. My husband came in at 5am drunk as a skunk and cursing for no reason. Not at me but at anything that got in his way on the way to the bed. The walls, the trashcan , etc. I don't even use profanity often so this hurt my ears. He got in bed and I was silently praying that he would not touch me. Well lo and behind 5 minutes after getting in the bed he starts touching me. I struggled with speaking up for myself for about 5 more minutes. I mean this was just not sexy. I told him that we shouldnt. After the 5th time he hears me and asks me why. I said because you are drunk, I have to pee badly and we are separated [he stopped wearing his ring]. He cursed me out and called me every name in the book for another 30 minutes. Mind you I have to go to work in and hour and a half. So I told him I am not responding or arguing because he is drunk and likely won't remember any of this in the morning. But he just kept on. I got up and went to the couch. He continued to hollar out there at me asking me how is it on the couch etc. Just horrible. I don't see why I should try to make this work. Its been over a week since I told him I wanted to separate cuz he isn't gonna change and he hasn't proved me wrong. He hasn't even attempted to change to save our marriage. I will try to talk to him again but I just don't see him changing. I either accept him the way he is and accept an unhappy marriage or I can continue on with the plan to separate and divorce. Either way its just messed up.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

I am sorry that you keep experiencing things stuff like this but I think that all this is doing is giving you some clarity about what you need to do. At the very least, you two need to separate (he needs to leave) so that he can get himself together. When I read your post, I instantly thought, "Where were your kids while all this cussing and yelling is going on?"
I cannot imagine that this is good for them either. I hope that you find some peace but it looks like he needs to give you some space before you find some peace.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

My kids were still in bed sleep thank God. I also thank God that they are way too young to understand. I heard my 3 years tossing and turning but she never woke completely up. Definitely not the type of environment I ever wanted my children to be in. Just dysfunctional!


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Well today I tried to talk to my husband about coming home at and after 5 am and he said " FVCK YOU. I come and go when I please. At least I come home." I was speechless. I did manage to tell him that I do not accept that.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I wish I can help you.

Can you simply pop up your husband two questions? So you know you should stay or you should go.

1. Do you still love me?
2. Do you want me to leave?

If he said no & yes. You know there's no hopes and better walk upright being a single mother than living the rest of your life with a ****-up!


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

In the other hand, I'm interested in knowing. 

Do you still love this man? 

If your love has gone, better finish this. You don't want your child to grow up in a family like this.

Important note: He has been very negative. Make sure you seek protection immediately if he dare to lay a finger on you!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He needs to go. He's inconsiderate, abusive, selfish, and apparently not much of a provider. If he's adding something positive to your life I guess I've missed it.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

To answer the questions [and thanks for the response by the way] I feel that I care about him and his well being because he is the father of my children. I do not feel that he has given me any reason to be in love with him or feel any romantic love. His angry response came because I told him that I want to separate/divorce if he doesn't change [unloving, critical, not coming home, turning down job offers, leaving me when I was pregnant, mean, embarrassing me in front of people, never apologizing, never appreciative]. I did not shoot this long list off to him btw. Just mentioned the main things.

Oh and I am not leaving my home. My husband doesn't work and I pay all the bills. There is no way Im leaving. He has to go not me. He has an interview today so I am praying this is the job he needs to save money to move out on his own. You are so right about not letting my children grow up in a family like this.

I feel like I have let him get away with so much just to keep the peace and he has clearly taken advantage and has no respect for me. 

I don't even think I want to be with him anymore for the kids or for my sake. When I look at him I see something so ugly. I question his character. I could never treat someone how he treats me. He acts like he doesn't have a conscious.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Also: I am officially free and clear of the studly contractor. I am not even tempted with any thoughts, attraction, or need for male attention. lol


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

I'm proud of you for being strong and sticking to your guns. Good job!


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

While being unemployed can be tough and make a person behave uncharacteristically, you mentioned a number of traits to go well beyond being unemployed. Unemployment should not be an excuse for him to treat you this way. I think that if you allow him to stay until he finds a job, he should understand that your expecation is civility at the least. If he can't manage that then he is the one who forced himself out.


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## Crazym8 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm facing umemployment and I'm scared youknowwhatless. But even though I have problems in my marriage, which is why I'm on this site, I could never treaty my wife as subhuman. I think you should kick him out regardless of his job situation, he won't respond to you emotionally even if he's rolling in dough, he'll just use the money to enjoy himself outside of your marriage as he has been doing with the money you give him now. 

You sound like an independant, capable, and strong woman, do someting for you for a change, loser the hanger on and move up in your own eyes.

Well done for tackling the problems like you have sofar.


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

I think you are on this site because you do still want to work it out. You are going to have to have a heart to heart with your husband. You may have to start the conversation in a way that makes it clear that you are ready to leave. Let him know that you are willing to work it out but cannot continue the way you are and something has to give. He is in need of guideance and if he is not a spiritual person and can talk with someone at the church then he needs counseling to work through his feelings of selfishness and inadequacy. If he is just needing a job to feel good about himself, he should take any job and work up from there. The drinking and staying out has got to stop and he needs to honor his committments. If that sounds like a joke to him then he needs to grow up.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

I'm back. Me and my husband had the big talk months ago and unfortunately things have not gotten better since we agreed to try to work on our M at the end of September. For one I found condoms underneathe my car seat. He says someone gave them to him and they aren't even his brand. HA. For two he came home again around 5am without even texting me. For three he still criticizes me daily. He also still does not help me with the children although I ask for help. He does play with them if that counts? He also started working and has been at the job for a whopping 4 whole months which is right around his cut off point. Unfortunately he has not paid a bill yet. He told me he would help but when I ask him he brings up something he has to buy or something he has to pay for. The latest incident happened on Monday. He had been sick with the flu for 3 days approx. I needed to go to the market so I put the kids in front of a good movie, gave them snacks and was gone for 30 minutes. When I got back the kids were fine but he screamed at me for leaving saying I was wrong to leave when he was sick. he said I shouldve took them with me. Honestly I left without them cuz I needed a little break even if for 30 mins. He was in bed hollering and kicked the wipes container at me and it hit me in my mouth. I ran out the room crying. He has never been violent with me. The next morning he says you know I didn't mean to hit you in the mouth. I said but you did intend to hit me with that box. You intentionally kicked it at me. That was 5 days ago and he has yet to apologize or even show me that he is sorry. No card. Nothing. He hit me in front of my children and my 3 year old keeps asking me if I remember when Daddy hit me in my mouth. I am done. My question is - would u ask your spouse to leave not caring if they can afford to take care of themselves or not? Or would you give them a time frame? Right now he makes minimum wage. I am no longer in love with him and I can not stay with a person with this kind of character. I feel that I don't even want to try to make it work at this point. I feel guilty because he says that I handicapped him. This is not true. I have always tried to help him get on his feet. I paid on his loan that was in default so he could go back to school. I wanted him to graduate to increase the fam income. he feels that I intentionally encouraged him not to work. That is not true. It was the meanest thing but I realize that I may have enabled him to not be a man. Maybe he is right about me?


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Please don't victimize yourself. If you put your H through school it's for his good, and BY EXTENSION the family's good. You seem like an honest, caring person.

This is hard, but yes I think you should ask your H to leave. He's depressed, frustrated, etc, etc, got it. Bottom line is he's immature and the way he is can only negatively affect your kids. Not to mention yourself.

If you feel sorry for him after he's gone and he's broke, you can pay him a small allowance now and then. On second thoughts that's a bad idea, the kind of guy he seems to be he'll start torturing you for cash every week..

Get him to move out - if not for yourself, then at least for your kids. Good luck, and you're a damn brave person.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

LADYGAINES said:


> I'm back. Me and my husband had the big talk months ago and unfortunately things have not gotten better since we agreed to try to work on our M at the end of September. For one I found condoms underneathe my car seat. He says someone gave them to him and they aren't even his brand. HA. For two he came home again around 5am without even texting me. For three he still criticizes me daily. He also still does not help me with the children although I ask for help. He does play with them if that counts? He also started working and has been at the job for a whopping 4 whole months which is right around his cut off point. Unfortunately he has not paid a bill yet. He told me he would help but when I ask him he brings up something he has to buy or something he has to pay for. The latest incident happened on Monday. He had been sick with the flu for 3 days approx. I needed to go to the market so I put the kids in front of a good movie, gave them snacks and was gone for 30 minutes. When I got back the kids were fine but he screamed at me for leaving saying I was wrong to leave when he was sick. he said I shouldve took them with me. Honestly I left without them cuz I needed a little break even if for 30 mins. He was in bed hollering and kicked the wipes container at me and it hit me in my mouth. I ran out the room crying. He has never been violent with me. The next morning he says you know I didn't mean to hit you in the mouth. I said but you did intend to hit me with that box. You intentionally kicked it at me. That was 5 days ago and he has yet to apologize or even show me that he is sorry. No card. Nothing. He hit me in front of my children and my 3 year old keeps asking me if I remember when Daddy hit me in my mouth. I am done. My question is - would u ask your spouse to leave not caring if they can afford to take care of themselves or not? Or would you give them a time frame? Right now he makes minimum wage. I am no longer in love with him and I can not stay with a person with this kind of character. I feel that I don't even want to try to make it work at this point. I feel guilty because he says that I handicapped him. This is not true. I have always tried to help him get on his feet. I paid on his loan that was in default so he could go back to school. I wanted him to graduate to increase the fam income. he feels that I intentionally encouraged him not to work. That is not true. It was the meanest thing but I realize that I may have enabled him to not be a man. Maybe he is right about me?


You are not wrong for wanting him to leave. He needs to be a man and necessity might force him to do so. Also, I don't think that you need the abuse to escalate before you decide that it's toxic for him to be there. His anger seems to be growing and that's a bad thing. Even if you don't want to divorce him, he needs to leave and get a handle on his condition. Perhaps him being on his own and getting help will cause him to realize what he needs to do the be the husband that you need. Of course, if you do want to divorce him, getting him out of the house is also desirable. Either way, he needs to stand on his own two feet and handle his situation. Good luck.


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## melchi656 (Jan 18, 2011)

LADYGAINES said:


> Hi, I just signed onto this site today. I have been looking for some advice and help for a few months as I am about to lose it. I have been married for 3 years. We dated for 3 years prior to marriage. I have two daughters ages 3 and 1. My husband is horrible! He comes home every night/morning rather around 4 am. Before you ask, no he didnt party every night while we were dating. Only a couple nights a week. He loves to party and get wasted every night. He no longer tells me he loves. He no longer kisses me. I have talked to him about this over and over but he doesn't care enough about me to change. He is all about himself right now. He told me he is going to do what he wants. He says he is depressed. He has been out of work for over a year. I work full time. I can't do anything right. He criticizes me from the time I get home to the time he goes back out. I can't make a mistake. I am doing the best I can. I go to work, pick the children up from daycare, go home, cook, put the kids in the tub, do the dishes, play with the kids then put them to bed. I do not sit down once I get home. He only plays with the kids. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, working full time, keeping the kids neat. He gets up around 1 pm. Sleeping all morning. In his defense he has gone on interviews but no job so far. I am tired of going to bed alone. Tired of complaining. Tired of saying I don't feel loved and him not changing. He doesn't care. I don't even think he loves me. This isn't love is it? Am I looking for something impossible? Is this the way marriage is? If so I want out. I get no romance, no appreciation and no respect. I am so unhappy. Isn't a husband susposed to come home at night? What kind of message is this going to send to my girls? I pay all the bills and split whats left after the bills between us [$300 a piece for 2 weeks] and he blew all of his money in 2 days! I want to cry. I am tired of being broke. I use my money to buy pull ups, food and diapers and I still have a some left. He's so selfish he spends all of his on himself! And the babies need sneakers but he doesn't even care! WTF!
> 
> And now to top it off there is a new contractor at my job that stares at me like I am the best thing since sliced bread. I love the way he looks at me. It hasn't gone beyond staring but its a shame that it takes a stranger to make me "loved".


I really do understand how you are feeling right now. I am assuming that you have done everything on your part already. If that would be the case, then, I would rather say that a divorce is the solution to your problem. Well, visit this link to get the perfect divorce help.


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## loveless25 (Jan 5, 2011)

I know exactly what you are going through. I felt what you feel. I was only 17 and he was 23 at the time it all started. I had 2 kids. I finally left at 22. I didnt want to be his mother. He verbally abused me and threw things around and made me feel guilty. I didnt want to leave him but he started cheating. Nothing gets better it gets worst. He stopped saying he was sorry and started blaming me for how he was acting. I left him and I never looked back. I felt sorry for him but being away from him actually helped me. I felt better. He didnt want to get help. I begged him to counseling and he refused. He would say yes then change his mind or put it off. I didnt want my kids to grow up like that. I think you would be better off alone. Let him worry about himself dont feel guilty. You have kids to worry about you dont need to put up with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ETC1 (Jan 20, 2011)

I think you should leave him, at least for a while. If he wont leave then you need to leave. Don't take him back until you see a major change in his conduct and you feel that he is trying to be more of the man you want. I can say that i am in no position to give advise and i know first hand how hard it is to leave when you have children together. But when a man/woman starts to disrespect you to your face that cannot be tolerated, trust me i know. My husband had begun to loose respect for me disrespect me verbally very similar, then it spilled over into disrespect in front of our oldest son and finally after i left that was the one thing that he never dared to do when i came back. Which now i don't know if coming back still the best decision, now we still have issues, cheating ect. So i have alot to sort out myself, but if you the mental strength, you should leave even if you dont file for divorce right now, because that type of disrespect only gets worst.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Alcohol is a depressant, and it's effect lasts even when sober the next day. If he is already depressed, alcohol will make it worse. If he is not, alcohol will help bring it on due to the stresses of unemployment and family life. It's no excuse for his behaviour either way.

Include ALL non-discressionary expenses, plus childrens supplies, before splitting whats left. Give him less since he will blow it on liquor anyway. He should be ashamed of himself to take your hard earned money and spend it on liquor anyway. This speaks allot to his values, or lack of.

Stay away from the stud. That's more trouble you don't need right now. I know some men that are so horney they will stare at a rock if it looks sexy. lol.

Give him an ultimatum, either he manup or you are outta there. He will really think hard about this because you are his drinking ticket. If you are gone who will pay for his liquor; certainly not his drinking friends.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Its time to move on with your life. Ask him politely to leave. If he refuse, get a lawyer. Now is the time to think about you and your children. Don't even waste a second worrying about him. He had his chance and he blew it royally.

Good luck.


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