# This is not the marriage i had in mind for myself



## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

How do you get a divorce if the other person isn't wling to sign papers? I really want out of this marriage because it is draining. He doesn't financially support me and our kids he will have a job keep it for a week or two to get a check then quit. He tries to talk to me like I'm his child by telling me to shut up in front of our kids or calling me crazy. But when I do it I'm considered childish and need to grow up. I've been dealing with stuff with this dude for years. From emotional abuse physical abuse he tries to play the victim and make it seem like it's my fault. I suffer from bipolar disorder so when I feel triggered I feel the need to defend myself. I feel like I'm living with a enemy. It's no love in this marriage I don't even like being touch by him. I don't even like having sex with him anymore it feel like a force instead of enjoyment. He isn't romantic we have 3 boys 1 daughter. I'm always talking to my boys about how to treat women when that's his job. I pray with my kids spend time with them I'm a way better mom to our kids then his mom was to him. I don't even feel like a woman or feminine being with him. First off he never proposed I planned the marriage brought the rings invited the people which was the biggest mistake of my life. I almost died having our last child due to a hermage. I went through things as a kid when I felt my dad hated me because he was never happy showed emotion or nothing now to be married to somebody that does the same thing to me and my kids have damaged my mind even more. I'm at the point were I need therapy. Our kids would come to me before they come to him because all he do is fuss at them more than trying to connect or have a bond. He even tells me I'm to soft on my kids when my kids are amazing they are A and B students good behavior have talents loving. I don't even sit and listen to him anymore I'm either working, dealing with my kids or on my phone. I don't feel connected


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Amy6789 said:


> How do you get a divorce if the other person isn't wling to sign papers?


You go the the lawyer you chose to represent you. He will file on your behalf. If your husband refuses, it doesn't matter at all, the court will default the judgement on your favor. That's all,all the rest will be noise within the divorce proceedings. Just make sure you get the lawyer that you can afford to represent you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Why are you coming here to figure out how to divorce? You planned and schemed you way into a marriage that doesn’t make sense. You can plan and scheme your way out as well.

Figure out what you gotta do and do it, but don’t look from help from a spouse who wasn’t involved in proposing or anything else in the marriage in the first place.

Just guessing you’ve had resentment building from even before the marriage. Have you had individual counseling? You need to fix how you do things or else history may repeat itself.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Get an attorney. Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He wants a live in maid and cook and plan B for sex. You do in fact have rights now. You can divorce, call a lawyer and start taking your life back.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why in the hell did you make such one sided efforts to marry this loser? You practically forced a marriage upon him.


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## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Why are you coming here to figure out how to divorce? You planned and schemed you way into a marriage that doesn’t make sense. You can plan and scheme your way out as well.
> 
> Figure out what you gotta do and do it, but don’t look from help from a spouse who wasn’t involved in proposing or anything else in the marriage in the first place.
> 
> Just guessing you’ve had resentment building from even before the marriage. Have you had individual counseling? You need to fix how you do things or else history may repeat itself.


Of course I did and I still married him, okay I've been admitted I have issues and even seeking counseling. No need to judge because obviously you're in this group for a reason to as well. We all know it's easy to sign a paper and get married but even harder to get out. I'll never judge a person by the decisions they make because nobody is perfect. Just like I came here for advice but you didn't have to respond you could of just skip my post. People make mistake live learn and I'm sorry you're to perfect to see that smh. It's also called venting when I have no one else to talk to I come here to be heard so I apologize if I made you feel a certain way


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Amy6789 said:


> Of course I did and I still married him, okay I've been admitted I have issues and even seeking counseling. No need to judge because obviously you're in this group for a reason to as well. We all know it's easy to sign a paper and get married but even harder to get out. I'll never judge a person by the decisions they make because nobody is perfect. Just like I came here for advice but you didn't have to respond you could of just skip my post. People make mistake live learn and I'm sorry you're to perfect to see that smh. It's also called venting when I have no one else to talk to I come here to be heard so I apologize if I made you feel a certain way


Just trying to save you some time and trouble. First things first-you haven’t had counseling (for you) yet- get that going. You need to understand why you waited all this time to come to this point, what sort of thinking allowed you to have 4 kids with this guy when the indications of issues were there from the beginning. And heck yeah, I’ve probably got two decades more experience in this than you! Do as I say, not as I do.

Main point is the actual divorce is just a piece of paper. It’s meaning is provided by you and your husband. Has divorce been discussed before? Is this really going to be out of the blue for him? Will he take you seriously and work in the best interest of the kids? Will you give him time to vent himself?

My apologies if I sounded a bit blunt, but sometimes that’s what it takes to get past the venting and into the better place you want to be.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Amy6789 said:


> Of course I did and I still married him, okay I've been admitted I have issues and even seeking counseling. No need to judge because obviously you're in this group for a reason to as well. We all know it's easy to sign a paper and get married but even harder to get out. I'll never judge a person by the decisions they make because nobody is perfect. Just like I came here for advice but you didn't have to respond you could of just skip my post. People make mistake live learn and I'm sorry you're to perfect to see that smh. It's also called venting when I have no one else to talk to I come here to be heard so I apologize if I made you feel a certain way


Lots of useful background info in your other thread Husband wont keep a job..considering divorce! 

It’s not clear how old you are. You essentially got married because you got pregnant by him at 16, but not right away, not until at least after kid 2 came along? So that provides context for why you kind of took things into your own hands to get married.

The counseling really is important. You might have stopped normal emotional development way too young. You even tried to commit suicide, are clinically depressed, and yet on your own w/regards mental health.

Getting married because you got pregnant doesn’t have a good track record for long term success, at least not on TAM.

I’d suggest prioritizing your mental health first, and then maybe you can feel better about yourself and find the best path away from everything you resent. You need to build your future upon something solid.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> Getting married because you got pregnant doesn’t have a good track record for long term success, at least not on TAM.


Not just on TAM, but anywhere around this world.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Do as Rob_1 suggested. If you are the one with the steady income you might unfortunately get stuck paying him some alimony; however, if he has the capacity to be employed but chooses not to the court will take that into consideration. Good luck


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## Amy6789 (9 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Do as Rob_1 suggested. If you are the one with the steady income you might unfortunately get stuck paying him some alimony; however, if he has the capacity to be employed but chooses not to the court will take that into consideration. Good luck


Yes this is also something I looked into and found out. Really just got myself into a crazy situation. He most definitely can work and is capable nothing is wrong with him, buy I've kept a steady job since we've been together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He doesn't need to sign papers, does he?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

From what I understand, in the USA, you file, and unless he does something to delay the proceedings, the divorce goes through whether he signs or not. There is no longer such a thing as asking for a divorcing or where a spouse can stop a divorce from happening. There are things people can do to delay it and make is messy, but you can't prolong that forever. You can't stop someone from divorcing you, if they have filed the papers.
Make a list of all the questions you have, then take them to an attorney. Most attorneys don't do free initial sessions. Be prepared to pay at least $300. That is about what it costs to speak to an attorney in my area.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he chooses to contest the divorce you can end up spending a tremendous amount of money and you might also have to pay his legal bills as well as your own if he is financially dependent on you. That’s the worst case in play when one wants out and the other doesn’t.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It depends on what papers your STBX is refusing to sign. 

If your EX won't accept service of process, your lawyer can make a motion for substitute service . 

If your EX is refusing to sign a property settlement agreement agreeing to how everything is going to be decided, then you sit around & wait for a trial date. Your lawyer puts your evidence in & then your STBX refutes whatever the problem is & make their own case. After seeing & hearing all the evidence, the judge makes a decision. It doesn't matter what either side thinks is best, it becomes the judge's decision. Problem is courts are sooooooooo backed up even before Covid, & now it's worse you could wait years for a decision.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Usually the court order mediation if a couple can't come to an agreement. If that doesn't work, then they have to go to trial. That's not common.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you had legal advise?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Amy6789 said:


> How do you get a divorce if the other person isn't wling to sign papers? I really want out of this marriage because it is draining. He doesn't financially support me and our kids he will have a job keep it for a week or two to get a check then quit. He tries to talk to me like I'm his child by telling me to shut up in front of our kids or calling me crazy. But when I do it I'm considered childish and need to grow up. I've been dealing with stuff with this dude for years. From emotional abuse physical abuse he tries to play the victim and make it seem like it's my fault. I suffer from bipolar disorder so when I feel triggered I feel the need to defend myself. I feel like I'm living with a enemy. It's no love in this marriage I don't even like being touch by him. I don't even like having sex with him anymore it feel like a force instead of enjoyment. He isn't romantic we have 3 boys 1 daughter. I'm always talking to my boys about how to treat women when that's his job. I pray with my kids spend time with them I'm a way better mom to our kids then his mom was to him. I don't even feel like a woman or feminine being with him. First off he never proposed I planned the marriage brought the rings invited the people which was the biggest mistake of my life. I almost died having our last child due to a hermage. I went through things as a kid when I felt my dad hated me because he was never happy showed emotion or nothing now to be married to somebody that does the same thing to me and my kids have damaged my mind even more. I'm at the point were I need therapy. Our kids would come to me before they come to him because all he do is fuss at them more than trying to connect or have a bond. He even tells me I'm to soft on my kids when my kids are amazing they are A and B students good behavior have talents loving. I don't even sit and listen to him anymore I'm either working, dealing with my kids or on my phone. I don't feel connected


That's what attorneys are for. It's not up to YOU to get him to sign. You get him subpoenaed, if necessary, to hearings, mediation, whatever your attorney thinks best, and let them handle it legally. Once he finds out that the longer he doesn't cooperate, the more it will cost him, he'll sign.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Cynthia said:


> From what I understand, in the USA, you file, and unless he does something to delay the proceedings, the divorce goes through whether he signs or not. There is no longer such a thing as asking for a divorcing or where a spouse can stop a divorce from happening. There are things people can do to delay it and make is messy, but you can't prolong that forever. You can't stop someone from divorcing you, if they have filed the papers.
> Make a list of all the questions you have, then take them to an attorney. Most attorneys don't do free initial sessions. Be prepared to pay at least $300. That is about what it costs to speak to an attorney in my area.


No one is going to sign some paperwork thrown in front of them. Its a process. Someone files for a petition of divorce and it gets submitted to a family court judge assigned to the case. The other party has typically 30 days to respond. Then there is a period when everyone must disclose their financial circumstances. Annual salary, ownership of real property, what was owned before you were married , joint accounts etc. That gets submitted to each counsel and the court for review. You cannot just put out some papers and say sign them and then you are divorced. Eventually a separation agreement is worked out typically between each persons counselor and signed and forms the basis of the divorce. On top of that you two have children and child custody agreements will take time especially from the court. Initial consultations are usually free, but a usual retainer fee for a decent divorce attorney is about 7000 dollars. This is not like an episode of Perry Mason where within 1 hour a crime is committed, investigated, litigated in a court of law and solved in 60 minutes. including 20 minutes of AARP commercials.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

SongoftheSouth said:


> No one is going to sign some paperwork thrown in front of them. Its a process. Someone files for a petition of divorce and it gets submitted to a family court judge assigned to the case. The other party has typically 30 days to respond. Then there is a period when everyone must disclose their financial circumstances. Annual salary, ownership of real property, what was owned before you were married , joint accounts etc. That gets submitted to each counsel and the court for review. You cannot just put out some papers and say sign them and then you are divorced. Eventually a separation agreement is worked out typically between each persons counselor and signed and forms the basis of the divorce. On top of that you two have children and child custody agreements will take time especially from the court. Initial consultations are usually free, but a usual retainer fee for a decent divorce attorney is about 7000 dollars. This is not like an episode of Perry Mason where within 1 hour a crime is committed, investigated, litigated in a court of law and solved in 60 minutes. including 20 minutes of AARP commercials.


This is true, however, if he refuses to sign, which she apparently thinks may happen, it will go much faster.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re ‘seeking’ counselling? Does that mean you say you’re going to/need to/probably should have counselling? Or you’re in the action phase? Meaning you’re already going, booked appointments, turned up, done your homework and treated your Bi-Polar disorder?

So there’s talking about needing counselling because you know you have problems, and actually doing counselling, where you are working on your problems with a medical professional.

Which one do you do?

Other than that, you don’t really need his permission to divorce.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, time to make the all the wrongs (including the ones you made) right. Dump his ass, get the papers, it doesn't matter if he wants a divorce or not.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I just wanted to speak into the point about your dad having similar traits as your husband. It’s not a stretch to believe that you purposely chose a guy like your dad, because that’s all you really understood of love and relationships. You grew up in a dysfunctional home so it’s not surprising that you settled for a dysfunctional man and marriage. I had a dysfunctional relationship with my dad up until a few years ago, but before marrying my husband, I dated quite a few emotionally distant men who treated me poorly, because that’s all I knew. You need to find a way to process this part of it so you can break the cycle, or trust me, it will repeat itself.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I just wanted to speak into the point about your dad having similar traits as your husband. It’s not a stretch to believe that you purposely chose a guy like your dad, because that’s all you really understood of love and relationships. You grew up in a dysfunctional home so it’s not surprising that you settled for a dysfunctional man and marriage. I had a dysfunctional relationship with my dad up until a few years ago, but before marrying my husband, I dated quite a few emotionally distant men who treated me poorly, because that’s all I knew. You need to find a way to process this part of it so you can break the cycle, or trust me, it will repeat itself.


She got pregnant by the guy and had a kid by 16. I don’t think she was really “shopping” for her dad; she got knocked up and her options (her perception) became suddenly limited to one.

On the other hand, she may have allowed behavior similar to her dad, and gave him too much latitude in areas there shouldn’t be much.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> She got pregnant by the guy and had a kid by 16. I don’t think she was really “shopping” for her dad; she got knocked up and her options (her perception) became suddenly limited to one.
> 
> On the other hand, she may have allowed behavior similar to her dad, and gave him too much latitude in areas there shouldn’t be much.


She was attracted to a man who was like her dad. That's what she grew up with and thought a man was supposed to be like. Whether she found him at 16 or 26 is really no different. This kind of thing happens a lot.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> She was attracted to a man who was like her dad. That's what she grew up with and thought a man was supposed to be like. Whether she found him at 16 or 26 is really no different. This kind of thing happens a lot.


no, isn't that simple. It is rather biology. We know from twins that been seperated at birth and grew up in complete different environments, that rhey nevertheless develope the same taste and tend to make the same or similar decisions in life. 
It is rather nature then nurture.

If you're the child of a person with certain personality traits or dissorders, you inherite their traits. Hence you will be attracted to people that have brain and personality 'structures' similar to yours.
We fall in love with people who are similar to us deep inside. Birds of a feather stick together.

But we can change over the course of time (nurture) potentially. Not everyone does unfortunately and this depends on ones nature. If we start to differ from our old personality and the person we were attracted to, we'll loos interessed.

OP grew up. Her husband didn't. They make no match anymore.

She has to work on herself. Be the best you and you'll find your best match automatically.
You can't choose who you are attracted to. It isn't a choice you make. It is simply something that is part of who you are.

Your partner is always a reflection of yourself and not your parents. 
You're the child of your parents, hence you bare similarities to them, hence it is very likely your partner will have similar traits. But the more you overcome certain inherited flaws that run within your family, the more your relationship(s) will differ from your family of origin.

One example that is easy to understand is children of (some type of) psychopaths. They either become psychopaths themselves or they become the oposite: very anxious, sensitive and empathic personalities.
Psychopaths and overly anxious empathic people are prone to feel attracted to each other. Why?
Because very often they are birds of the same feather. Not on the surface, but deep inside... together they make a whole. They belong together... 

But I am not referring to you OP in this example. 
But the mechanism is similar.
You did compensate his flaws due to similar problems deep inside. It wasn't your choice, but who you were. Now you are fed up and now you have got the chance to change.
Do it!


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