# What do I do?



## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

First of all I am just writing to get this all out. I don't know if I want advice (although, I don't mind it).

Married for ~12 yrs or so. Two kids. Wife had an affair almost 6 yrs ago. I do not suspect and have not caught her in any lie from then to the present. She was remorseful then and we went through counseling. 

Just wanted to get that out of the way.

I'm just not happy. We don't "fight" although we obviously have normal disagreements, etc. I just don't feel "in love" with her. I'm not sure I ever truly did. Almost zero intimacy and I've talked to her about this countless times. She'll get a little better for a week or two, maybe a month. Then, the same thing will happen. 

Honestly, if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone. I just know it will devastate them. We have some sorta close friends that have gone through this and I just don't want to be in the same boat. 

And financially, we'll all be screwed. Money is tight now so I have no idea how we would survive apart. I know it's not my place to worry about her but she has no insurance. I doubt she could stay on mine if we divorced???? The kids would, of course. But, I imagine the kids would stay with her and there's no way she could afford the house. I don't know if I could afford even an apartment and child support. 

I could talk to a lawyer but that takes $$$ too. 

I'm just kinda hopeless feeling now. 

Again, she's not cheating, we don't really argue but I honestly don't feel loved. I should have left after the affair but I stayed in it for the kids. Bad choice in some ways but it's the truth. 

And I feel like "Why am I just going to settle with not being happy, forever"!!!!!!!!!

I really don't know what to do.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Unthought Known said:


> Honestly, if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone. I just know it will devastate them. We have some sorta close friends that have gone through this and I just don't want to be in the same boat.
> 
> And financially, we'll all be screwed. Money is tight now so I have no idea how we would survive apart.



How old are the kids?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Unthought Known said:


> First of all I am just writing to get this all out. I don't know if I want advice (although, I don't mind it).
> 
> Married for ~12 yrs or so. Two kids. Wife had an affair almost 6 yrs ago. I do not suspect and have not caught her in any lie from then to the present. She was remorseful then and we went through counseling.
> 
> ...



So sorry.....Often times a BS is so set on fixing things because they are in shock and they reconcile before processing thru all their emotions. 

I see this a lot where the BS slowly falls out of love because of the betrayal. 

Have you tried an IC?


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Kids are 10 and 8.


I think the affair helped lead to the downward spiral but it's not the only reason. 

I did try IC once or twice but she really didn't help any. I don't even recall anything at all she said. I know a lot will disagree but counseling isn't what I need. I'm just unhappy. The cause is known.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Well, if divorce and counseling are off the table, I’m not sure what you’re hoping to hear. Open marriage?

What does your wife want? To live like roommates?

Sounds like you need to find a better MC and stick with it


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

What do you feel is missing that you are craving? What is it that you are not feeling in love with her? Don't look at anything but you and her, for the time being. What's missing?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Is this a sexless marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> Well, if divorce and counseling are off the table, I’m not sure what you’re hoping to hear. Open marriage?
> 
> What does your wife want? To live like roommates?
> 
> Sounds like you need to find a better MC and stick with it


I'm not saying Divorce is off the table. It's a hell of a scary thing to consider. And I wouldn't be posting here if wasn't considering. 
No, no open marriage. It's not about sex. She'd be happy to just live like this forever. We've got two great kids, she's mostly happy. But I'm not. We've got a nice house, friends, alot of stuff. But it's like I am faking my life. Don't get me wrong, the kids are great and I love them dearly. 
A MC isn't going to make me this go away. 



ihatethis said:


> What do you feel is missing that you are craving? What is it that you are not feeling in love with her? Don't look at anything but you and her, for the time being. What's missing?


I don't know. I just don't love her like I use to. And due to the lack of intimacy (not just sex) it's just getting worse. I don't think she loves me either. I mean, she does but she's more in love with being married and having a perfect family. I don't feel any chemistry from her. She'll kinda be affectionate when around friends sometimes but not when we are alone. i just can't explain the feelings. 



ButtPunch said:


> Is this a sexless marriage?


Mostly. But again, if the sex was there, it would just hold me over from time to time. It wouldn't change anything.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Well, I come from divorced parents. They were married for 30 years and divorced when I was 18. Immediately I thought they only stayed married because of me and my siblings and it was a TERRIBLE feeling. If you feel like you cannot absolutely fall in love with her again, and trust me when I say that you need to be 100% sure about this, then you need to divorce.

I do think sometimes that people divorce too easily. Are you thinking the grass is going to be greener on the other side? Have you told her about this and how you are feeling?


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Have you asked her why she is not being intimate with you anymore? How many intimate moments are you needing from her a week? I would try to talk to her about it again and make sure you get how she feels too in regards to that and see if you two can compromise. If that is a no go then maybe see if she will go to counseling with you? You need counseling for yourself as well, but hopefully she can come with you to marriage counseling too.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How old are you and your wife? If the cause of your emptiness is within yourself, getting a divorce etc. will only replace the existing scenario with a different set of issues. I would say work on yourself. Read, find out what you enjoy, take up sport or hobby, get good therapy to explore where this feeling is coming from. You make yourself into a better man, it's a win win wether you stay and work on the marriage or leave, maybe your wife needs you to take the lead. Love dies if it is not tended to. Love is a verb, it requires action and oft times hard hard work. You and your wife seem to be drifting, you need to do something about that. It is the best gift you can give the children.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

aine said:


> How old are you and your wife? If the cause of your emptiness is within yourself, getting a divorce etc. will only replace the existing scenario with a different set of issues. I would say work on yourself. Read, find out what you enjoy, take up sport or hobby, get good therapy to explore where this feeling is coming from. You make yourself into a better man, it's a win win wether you stay and work on the marriage or leave, maybe your wife needs you to take the lead. Love dies if it is not tended to. Love is a verb, it requires action and oft times hard hard work. You and your wife seem to be drifting, you need to do something about that. It is the best gift you can give the children.


This is a very good idea, especially if you may have some depression. It could help you feel better, whether you ultimately decide to stay in the marriage or leave.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

My intentions have always been to stick it out until the kids are much older (18?). This was mostly due to the affair. I'd hate that my kids would have ill feelings but at this age I'm sure they'd be OK overall.

I don't think the "grass is greener" being divorced but I believe alot of the sadness, feeling unwanted, etc. that is directly from the marriage would be gone in time. 

We've discussed the affection/intimacy. She's tired, she's stressed, she's this, she's that. She understands and gets better for a while but it always goes back to the same. And no, I'm NOT specifically talking about intercourse. Besides, that's not the only issue.

No reason to go to counseling. We've done that after the affair and I guess it was OK but at this point, a counselor can't change what's happening. I don't even want my wife to change. The feelings have slowly faded over the years. 

I'm 44, she's 41.

I don't need another hobby, I have a few already. The problem is the time to do them with two young children. A hobby isn't going to help this. 

Unfortunately I think the answer is divorce and end up filing bankruptcy or just living with it until the kids are over 18.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Unthought Known said:


> Again, she's not cheating


Are you?


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Are you?


Never once. Not even close.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I definitely feel for you, I'm going through a very similar set of circumstances. The way divorces are set up these days definitely put men at a disadvantage so many men have to go through life unhappy with wives that won't meet their expectations...in any way.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

One of the things about divorce is that you will have 'you' time and then you will have your time with the kids and it is pretty well set. If you don't have time to do the things you like to do, once you get divorced, you probably will.

The bad thing is you won't be spending every evening with your kids. 

Sticking it out in a bad loveless marriage for your kids sake isn't always a good thing. It doesn't set a very good example for them about what marriage is supposed to look like.

If you are really set on D, have you broached the subject with your W?


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

I do get what you're saying about affecting the kids but honestly, the kids have no idea. Again, we don't "argue". Of course we disagree from time to time but there's nowhere near an argument. We're not very affectionate but that's just how my wife is, it has nothing to do with our current state. We do sit next to each other on the couch and sometimes an occasional kiss. 

No, i have not talked to her about Divorce. I don't have a good reason except there is no way to get divorced and it not impact the kids. We live in a great school district. Divorce instantly means moving. SHe certainly can't afford the house by herself and I doubt I could (unless I didn't have her car payment). BUt I know and realize she's the one that needs full custody. Not because there's anything wrong with me, I just think it would be best for her. 

So, I'm just going to stick it out. If it starts to really affect me/us then I'm gone.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Since you cannot change your circumstances perhaps changing your outlook would be easier. Happiness comes from within. If you shift your concentration from the thing(s) you do not have to the things you do have, maybe the next few years will not be entirely miserable. Focus on your kids, your nice home and all of the things that make you happy and stop dwelling on the issue with your wife. Easier said than done I know, believe me but it is possible. If you fixate on the negative then it is easy to overlook a lot of positive. If you D there will be negatives that you may not even realize now. It may be a leap from the frying pan into the fire.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Unthought Known said:


> My intentions have always been to stick it out until the kids are much older (18?). This was mostly due to the affair. I'd hate that my kids would have ill feelings but at this age I'm sure they'd be OK overall.
> 
> I don't think the "grass is greener" being divorced but I believe alot of the sadness, feeling unwanted, etc. that is directly from the marriage would be gone in time.
> 
> ...


Well, since you are settling for the divorce, there's a place I found online that might help you. I've given it to a few other people before because it seems to be good. It's a place where you can get free divorce papers, to at least get started on the process. I wish you the best and I hope you find some happiness and feel better. I'm really sorry your marriage didn't work out. Free Divorce and Free Divorce Papers - all 50 States - Document Do It Yourself Service


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

For some BS's, the A really is the death-knell of the M.

It slowly kills the love and affection that sustains a happy M....and even if the couple legally stay together, the M never really recovers.

Some can live with a M like that, for the sake of their kids, some can't.

My maternal grandfather stayed with my grandmother despite her serial cheating including an affair child (my aunt).....but he never forgave and there were always outbursts of anger and resentment.

I remember them vividly from when I was a kid.....though I didn't know why at the time.

They caused a lot of damage that still effects the family to this day.

If your M ever begins to slip into a scenario like that.....LEAVE.

Though D is not fun, it is better for your kids than witnessing that hostility for years.


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