# Discovered wife is having affair



## SnowLovr (Feb 1, 2018)

So going all the way back to late November my W went out of town for a weekend with some friends and even extended the trip another day. Something didn’t feel right, she wouldn’t answer phone calls, very vague about whereabouts. Searched her social media and saw one of her friends was not out of town. Checked phone records to discover a number from out of state. Called it and a male answered. Questioned him and he hung up. I confront my wife and she confessed to having an affair. This meeting was the 3rd time going back 3 months. Fast forward to now, we are still together, seeing a therapist and I’m really struggling as I know she is still in contact with him. She has confessed to staying in touch and says it’s hard yet they are far apart by distance and guarantees they are not interested in a relationship. I have told her to stop all communication and says she texted him but won’t show me. Wife is requesting time and space and feels trapped. She is pushing for an in house separation and also wants to get away for a long weekend on her own to think. Her destination is only a few hours from other guys location. Initially I said no and she got extremely upset and closed down saying she felt trapped. Therapist said she should go and I can not control her but I should tell her if she is in touch with him that is it and it’s over. She is trying to rebook the trip and I cannot get over the thought she will meet him again. I told her her lying and inability to stop communication is really hurting. She says she has no plans to meet up with him. We have been married 15 years and have 3 young kids. I have lost a ton of weight, don’t sleep well and am really trying. How should I continue?


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Snow,

I know this is a painful experience. My advice is to contact an attorney ASAP and ask for legal advice. It is clearly evident that she will spend the entire gateway with him. Consider having your attorney draw-up the divorce or separation paper while she is away and has her served once she returns. 

Your wife has confessed her relationship with the other man and refused to stop all contact with him. She has made her decision to move forward, and you must now stay in front of the game.

Best,
Dreamer


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Dreamer2017 is right! Get an attorney right away. WW feels trapped? Tell her to take her TS card to the chaplain and have it punched.
Find out what the 180 is and start it now. Do not compromise on anything.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Fire your therapist. Give your wife a suitcase and tell her to leave. As she leaves tell her you are filing for divorce.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

And yes, see an attorney asap


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She’s lying.

Time for divorce.

It would be one thing if she’d committed to having no further contact with OM and were being transparent regarding her phone, etc... but she’s not.

Rule #1 of affairs is this — for as long as they’re in contact the affair is ongoing. Period.

Don’t second guess this.

Start shopping for a solid divorce attorney first thing tomorrow morning and file for divorce ASAP.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I want to give you an epiphany. Stop feeling defeated, for once an affair is discovered then the power shifts from the wayward spouse to the betrayed spouse. The betrayed spouse is usually hurting so bad that they don't recognize this. You are considering yourself as Plan B and are realizing your wife is choosing the other man over you. Right now you have the power to make your wife your Plan B, or Plan C. It's YOUR choice. You are the one to decide if she is your:

Plan A..........Reconciliation
Plan B..........Separation (tell her to leave and move in with the other man or you leave and leave her at home with all the separation problems)
Plan C..........Have your own affair or replace your wife with another woman who chooses only you.
Plan D..........Divorce

Your spouse hasn't even considered that you can replace her just as fast as she replaced you. She probably thinks she has you in a corner Your biggest consideration now should be the welfare of your children. Turn everything else over to her. She created this s**tstorm so let her handle it. Hand her some divorce papers and watch her reaction. That will tell you a lot about where her head is. In love and marriage, NEVER BE ANYONE's SECOND CHOICE. Complete misery is "watching the one you love, love someone else." Don't live in that situation. She either loves you and chooses you or your best decision is to walk away. Misery is trying to make a marriage with someone that doesn't love you. I believe in second chances but only if both parties are putting in 100%. I do wish you well.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

SnowLovr said:


> So going all the way back to late November my W went out of town for a weekend with some friends and even extended the trip another day. Something didn’t feel right, she wouldn’t answer phone calls, very vague about whereabouts. Searched her social media and saw one of her friends was not out of town. Checked phone records to discover a number from out of state. Called it and a male answered. Questioned him and he hung up. I confront my wife and she confessed to having an affair. This meeting was the 3rd time going back 3 months. Fast forward to now, we are still together, seeing a therapist and I’m really struggling as I know *she is still in contact with him*. *She has confessed to staying in touch and says it’s hard yet they are far apart by distance and guarantees they are not interested in a relationship. I have told her to stop all communication and says she texted him but won’t show me. Wife is requesting time and space and feels trapped. She is pushing for an in house separation and also wants to get away for a long weekend on her own to think. Her destination is only a few hours from other guys location*. Initially I said no and she got extremely upset and closed down saying she felt trapped. Therapist *said she should go and I can not control her* but I should tell her if she is in touch with him that is it and it’s over. She is trying to rebook the trip and I cannot get over the thought she will meet him again. I told her her lying and inability to stop communication is really hurting. *She says she has no plans to meet up with him*. We have been married 15 years and have 3 young kids. I have lost a ton of weight, don’t sleep well and am really trying. How should I continue?


So, as I have learned the hard way, some of these things are VERY common responses and words that = she is still heavily attached to him emotionally if not outright planning a life with him after she gets her space.

- Unfortunately, whatever she admitted to, there's a lot she didn't
- She wants space and a separation to make it easier for her to be with him, in her mind, most likely the love of her life now
- Getting away on her own is a planned trip WITH him
- Therapist is absolutely right in that you cannot control her, you cannot no matter what you say or do but therapist is crazy in allowing this. You still have the power to present an ultimatum. She goes, she stays and doesn't come back is her option that you need to present to her

I know you are trying buddy but these are all part of the cheater, want to be with the other man, their soulmate and you are a distant bad memory, marriage re-written in her head ..... playbook.

No contact with an Affair Partner is not a recommendation, it is a MUST. No marriage can survive and the affair will never die if ANY contact exists. There's like an emotional clock that keeps getting reset every time contact is made. Similar to getting yourself off of alcohol, sugar, drugs, etc. You can dab in it a little bit and break the addition, it has to be done 100%

It's absolutely crazy on how so many wayward spouses do and say the same things over and over in these cases. That's how many of the vets on this board can predict what will happen and what is happening. They did in mine and now I can see it develop as well. 

I know it hurts man, it still hurts me even as I am in the process of divorcing. All of the lies told to me over a 7 month period as I worked my ass off to save the marriage, the only one trying. Unfortunately, what i learned is that no matter how many save the marriage programs and books and articles I read, they are all rendered useless when adultery is involved. You cannot reason or logic with her, I can't tell you how much this is the case. Even though I thought I wasn't a pleader or a beggar I was a 'reasoner', tried to explain what she was going through and what was happening. What I thought I was doing in being this enlightened and smart was something that made me look more and more like a fool in her eyes.

How dare I tell her how she's feeling, I just don't understand. She's changed, etc, etc. No matter what she has told you in the past, it will not mean a damn thing right now sadly, Waywards can only see the negative and you are the issue, the roadblock standing in the way of their happiness.

My Recommendation of Actionable Items for you, please don't take them with a grain of salt, please get started as soon as possible

- Consult a Lawyer with everything you know
- If you don't have enough evidence for your own case, please law a bit low for the next few weeks and get what you need
- start logging EVERYTHING
- Start the 180 for yourself to start getting your head right and getting a sense of control back in your own life, https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
- DO not tell your wife what you are doing, stop talking to her about the heavy stuff right now
- Once you feel you have enough evidence and/or evidence the affair still exists and after you have talked to a lawyer, you can present her with a list of deal breakers, that if not met, you will be filing for divorce.

Again, you cannot reason with her You can?t beat emotion. Stop trying. | Dad Starting Over

You might also think with 3 young kids, how could she? Sadly, in there mind they have already justified every situation, sell I shouldn't say that, it depends on how far along they are. When they are so deep in the affair, the justification isn't as important but as time passes and they start to think about divorce and the kids, they start all of the justification processes. With my own soon to be ex wife, it was "the kids will be better off with a happier and healthier mom"

Good luck man, keep posting if you need more help and the support to stay on track with what you need to do. The path to saving the marriage if it's at ALL possible is the same as getting yourself right. Setting the boundaries, getting tough with your 180 and taking care of business. With a wife that's checked out, time to do what's right for the innocent ones and most important people involved here, those 3 precious kids.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

See a lawyer.

Get all important paper to take.

File for divorce. She isn't repentant shes mad you caught her. Now your controling.

Divorce ,divorce divorce.

Start exercising and eating better.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to let her go.

If she isn't 100% committed to the marriage, she is already gone.

You can't bring her back. Only she can bring herself back. Even then, do you really want to be plan B?

A smart man will only ever be plan A in a woman's life. And if she can't make up her mind, make it up for her and divorce. If she's not choosing you 100%, then she's not choosing you, full stop. In these matters it must be all or nothing, if you truly believe in monogamy.

Pull yourself together. You haven't yet opened your eyes to the massive amount of destruction she's raining down, but you will, and the awareness will hit you like a ton of bricks, but then you'll know exactly what to do.

Start with a lawyer.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

As long as you show that you're willing to put up with it, the affair will continue. File for divorce now, if only just to make a statement. You can stop the process at any time.

Inform her parents and all relatives who might be in a position to put pressure on her.

What do you know about the other man? Find out as much as you can. If he is married, inform his wife and all his relatives.

Blow the whole thing up in one fell swoop.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SnowLovr said:


> So going all the way back to late November my W went out of town for a weekend with some friends and even extended the trip another day. Something didn’t feel right, she wouldn’t answer phone calls, very vague about whereabouts. Searched her social media and saw one of her friends was not out of town. Checked phone records to discover a number from out of state. Called it and a male answered. Questioned him and he hung up. I confront my wife and she confessed to having an affair. This meeting was the 3rd time going back 3 months. Fast forward to now, we are still together, seeing a therapist and I’m really struggling as *I know she is still in contact with him. She has confessed to staying in touch and says it’s hard yet they are far apart by distance and guarantees they are not interested in a relationship.* I have told her to stop all communication and says she texted him but won’t show me. Wife is requesting time and space and feels trapped.
> 
> She wants separation to spend more time with her other man. She's lying
> 
> ...


If the other man is married inform his wife immediately without warning.

Talking going to a therapist will get you nothing here. She's pretty blatant about this and you are basically doing nothing except talking.

You'd better wake up and file. Or you'll lose more status if you have any left at this point.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know why she "needs space"...and a weekend "alone"...right?

She thinks you are naive enough to believe her lies. Please...please...don't prove her right.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you let your fear rule you at this time you’ll get steamrolled over.

You’re only option to end this is full exposure. Without warning. 

Don’t worry about making her mad or pushing her away. She’s already gone. Your strength if you want to save this is all you have.

You cry, beg, plead or do the “pick me dance”, try nicing her back will only put you in worse shape.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Let's make this short and sweet.

She's a cheater and cheaters lie. Every word out of her mouth is a lie!

Fire your therapist immediately. Like yesterday. They have no clue how to deal with a cheating spouse.

Your wife has no intention of stopping her affair. The only thing that will get her attention is shock and awe, and that may not even work. 

File divorce papers. Divorce is a process, it can be stopped at any point before the final signing. 

Most importantly, get some self respect and show this cheater the door. It may knock her out of her fantasy world. There are thousands of threads here and they all play out pretty much the same way. There's a reason it's called the cheaters script.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don’t make the mistake of helping hide their affair.all that does is enable it furthet


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Snowlover my man, no matter how you cut it you're at a cross roads with two paths to choose.

A. "Go screw him. I'm sick of your cheating and lying so get a one way ticket for your trip. I have no desire to continue this marriage." 

B. "Lucky for you and unfortunate for me, I'm the type guy you can screw over hundreds of times and I'll still be right here waiting for you."


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

One more thing not to get lost in all of this. I know your intentions are probably to try and save the marriage even though it's not in your control, I want to add or clarify from my other post, this is a tricky phase you are in right now. You will want to enforce boundaries and ultimatums but you also want to find exactly what the heck is going on for proof. Your cutoff time would be when she plans on taking this trip. Until then ... lay low and act as if you don't care or things are normal, that will be harder than Hell but you kind of need to throw her off your trail. Do whatever you can do to get the definitive proof for leverage.

Also the other tricky part as many have said on here before and one of my regrets in all of this was not striking was she was preoccupied. If you drag this out and she still wants a divorce, which is likely, then it's going to be tougher to get what you want in court, kids, etc. If you move swiftly and on this, you will have an advantage of getting what you want and her not putting up a huge fight because the emotion is overpowering the logic right now.

If I would have went into the divorce let's say, in month 4 (post d-day) of when I was trying to save the marriage instead dragging it out to the very end of my last possible chance, after 7 months, I may have gotten primary custody of the kids without much of a fight. In the first few months, she just wanted to outright get away and live 'alone'. By Month 4, she was super deep into the affair but started to think about the divorce logically, like what SHE wanted out of it and wanted from me and started to get ideas put in her head she could have the kids (at least 50% of the time as well) She was getting advice from family friend that have been through this but she was also neglecting to mention to them she was intending to be with forever, a currently married man. Now she just gets validation from those that don't know about the affair and from her 2 best friends that have had multiple affairs themselves.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Seriously, the only way to save your marriage right now, is to file for divorce. It sounds wrong, but it's the only way you're going to cut through her bull**** and slap her back to reality.

You don't actually have to plan to follow through with hit, but get papers drawn up, filed, and presented to her.

It's the only way, at this point.

The

only

way


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

SnowLovr said:


> She is pushing for an in house separation and also wants to get away for a long weekend on her own to think. Her destination is only a few hours from other guys location.
> 
> *She says she has no plans to meet up with him*.


It never ceases to amaze me why so many cheating spouses add insult to injury by insulting the BS's intelligence. It's almost laughable. She would be better off just admitting what she's doing.

Anyway, she's daring you to divorce her. I'm not sure what you're waiting for.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

she is going to meet him if she goes on this trip. Guaranteed. You can't control her, but you can control what you will do if she doesn't respect boundaries = DIVORCE

As others said, find the best D lawyer in your area and hire him/her. If you are in a no fault state, don't even try to get the truth. Expose to your parents and her parents. Don't let her lies ruin your reputation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

OP, if you can afford it have a PI follow her on trip. Have divorce papers drawn up. If possible have PI coordinate with process server and have her served while she is with other guy. 

PI will video/take photos. When she blows up your phone ignore her. The lies will pour out, Let her find out about pics after she lies.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Well of course she's still lying to you. You've given her zero consequences. 

Expose this affair to both sides of your families, friends, and older children. Find out of this man is married or in a relationship and expose to his partner as well. 

I guarantee you this trip is to meet up with him. It would be stupid to believe a word out of her mouth at this point.

If she goes, she returns home to divorce papers. 

She should be the one walking on eggshells right now; not you.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I am sure I am not the first to say this, but here goes:

You ask how you can continue: You can not. 

Your wife has not given up contact with the OM because she does not want to. Let that sink in. Your wife does not want to lose contact with her lover, and will hurt you so that she can.

Your wife says she feels trapped because she IS trapped. She is married and she wants to be free to communicate with her lover. Trapped.

I know this is awful, but honestly, she is making it easy for you. She is very clear. She wants an "in-house" separation. Translation: She does not have the stones to walk away, she wants to keep her house and the security of her life, but she wants to be free to carry on a relationship with this other man. I know this because I did this exact same thing. 

Time to get into a support group. Time to confide in the people who will have your back. Time to kick her out.

Sorry. I wish you luck. You WILL come out of this, though I know it does not feel like it.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Given your wife’s mindset she’s behaving rationally. She was having the time of her life with a division of labor. You for the boring husband stuff and the OM for excitement. To understand this better search for a 20 minute TED TALK by Helen Fisher, Why we love why we cheat.

You are family like a father or brother. You give her security and stability. She feels trapped because she was happy with both of you providing her needs and now you’re forcing her to pick one. She wants time to evaluate which of you is the best for her. Does she give up the security or excitement?

She is trying to delay picking one for as long as she can because she really wants both of you. She will not pick one until she is forced to. The way you do that is file for divorce. That will make it real.

If allowed she will say whatever is required to keep you and be more careful about contact with the OM. That way she can have both of you which is her goal.

Think of her as your teenage daughter. She loves you but she wants to date the bad boy down the street. If you tell her she can't she will sneak out of her bedroom window. She takes daddy for granted and knows that he loves her so much that he will never make her move out. Your leverage is to let her know that you can live without her.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
14) This is one step that is completely hardcore. Hand your spuce divorce papers and post nuptials, and to tell them to sign whichever one that they want. 
15) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I agree. First thing in the morning arrange STD tests for both of you 

She probably won't go, but that would be on her.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Give her the D papers before she goes.

Tell the OM's spouse about the A.

Tell her family and her work.

Make sure she gets a good job and does not come back from the trip.

Has she been tested for stds? DNA the kids.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

dreamer2017 said:


> Dear Snow,
> 
> I know this is a painful experience. My advice is to contact an attorney ASAP and ask for legal advice. It is clearly evident that she will spend the entire gateway with him. Consider having your attorney draw-up the divorce or separation paper while she is away and has her served once she returns.
> 
> ...


Agreed big time except you need to give her the divorce papers the day before she leaves.

You are playing the pick me dance which fails 100 % of the time. If you get tough and go shock and awe you might save your marriage. If you don’t, it just a difference in how long it takes to get divorced. 

You should have kicked her out as soon as you found out. Tell you will be going for full custody.

Is the other man married? Get a PI if you have to.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

File and serve prior to her trip. She is in the fog. Expose now if you desire to save your marriage. Show strength not weakness. Exposure changes the status quo in your favor.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The next time she says she feels trapped tell her that’s how a lot of folks feel with three kids. Tell her while she is gone you will rent a storage unit and put all her belongings in it. Ask her if she has any idea how many single moms and women that can’t have children are looking for a place exactly like the one she is leaving behind. 
Normal people love being trapped by their little ones. Your wife isn’t a keeper.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

What does she need to think about?

Who is the guy and how did she meet him?

Do you know his name and if he is married?

Do her friends know? Did they knowingly help her cheat and/or encourage it? Do your two families know?

How do you know the therapist is not a cheater?

She wants to continue with the other man. I am assuming she was still planning to meet him and have sex. If that is the case, why do you want a woman who wants some other man?

Do you think this affair is her first?

I get the three young kids. Really I do. But you can't do it alone. And why doesn't your wife care about that?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I am no expert. I've gone through this and I've read a lot. I've had friends and colleagues and family members go through this. I've seent the beginnings, the middles, and the ends of those individual stories. I've seen what's worked, and what hasn't. That's it. Here is what I've learned, based on what I've seen.

Being "understanding" and "compassionate" and "forgiving," i.e., "turning the other cheek," will get your cheek slapped a whole lot. If you give an inch, she'll take a mile. The best thing you can do to get your goal (which is to get her committed to the marriage) is to take what I would call akin to "tough love." Going the route you want to go, to get her to come back, despite her words and actions saying otherwise, you will have to be the parent to her teenager, the warden to her prisoner.

Tell your wife that she is an adult and she can do what she wants. If she wants him, talk to him, she can. That is up to her. Tell her that her doing that is hurtful to you, and even more, disrespectful to you. If she wants to leave, fine, leave, but to let you blow in the wind while she tries to choose between you and him is humiliating and devaluating to you, her loyal husband who for several months have suffered. Tell her that you are starting to move on. You are getting a lawyer and starting the divorce process. You will not lie for her or cover for her. You will tell whoever you want to, like you cannot control her, she cannot control you, as she can do whatever she wants, you can do whatever you want. Tell her if she commits to you, now, you will still continue the divorce process until you feel she has stopped lying and going underground with the other man. When you feel she is with you fully, and not with him, you will end the process with the divorce, and not before.

In the meantime, get a private investigator and get a background check on this other man. It can't hurt to know if he has committed crimes, as he may someday be around your children. If he is married, let his wife know. Once you tell your wife about the divorce process starting and say your piece, then shut up and just do it. Stop talking or complaining or crying about it. Just move forward and move on, her actions is beyond your control. You didn't force or give ultimatums to marry you, and you won't be able to end her affair by ultimatums either.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I'm gone through two years of hell and wasting my time with my cheater.

Please follow the advice of the others here. Talk to an attorney. Protect your assets. Whatever legal stuff you can get on her get it together.

She doesn't care about you she doesn't care about her children.
But for sake of appearances she will fight for those kids. The other man does not want those kids. So while she's away plan for your divorce and do a proper exposure to her family and to the other guy.

Bet you five to one she will cry and say she has seen the light and will beg for you to give her another chance.

Don't waste your time. She's gone. if she cared she would have stopped contact a long time ago.

Nothing keeps her from cheating on you again she'll just get better at hiding it from you.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Is it just me or some BS only come by, drop their story, we give 100 posts and they don't show for a while, if ever..... 

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

OP, if you do come back know that is triple insult to your dignity that she still in touch with her lover while giving you sob story..... Thats abuse, do not put up with it, let her go have her served

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> This meeting was the *3rd time going back 3 months.* Fast forward to now, we are still together, seeing a therapist and I’m really struggling as I know *she is still in contact with him.* She has confessed to *staying in touch and says it’s hard*


Just read the highlighted parts.

Okay, Done?



> yet they are far apart *by distance* and guarantees *they are not interested in a relationship.*


Do you see the lies?

If not, distance didn't stop them before she was caught. So, this is lie #1 PROVEN by her previous actions.
If she is STILL, during therapy, having a hard time stopping contact isn't this the basis of a relationship? Yep. Lie #2.

.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Just read the highlighted parts.
> 
> Okay, Done?
> 
> ...


She'll drag it out as long as possible.

"She has confessed to staying in touch and says it’s hard"

But, she'll keep trying to break it off even if it takes her years to do it.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> The next time she says she feels trapped tell her that’s how a lot of folks feel with three kids. Tell her while she is gone you will rent a storage unit and put all her belongings in it. Ask her if she has any idea how many single moms and women that can’t have children are looking for a place exactly like the one she is leaving behind. .---
> Normal people love being trapped by their little ones. Your wife isn’t a keeper.


When I met my wayward she used to cry all the time that she could not have children. Pretty much the worst crying I ever saw from her since I've known her. Well I got her pregnant... And our son almost did not make it. Born 3 months early.

A year or so later she started becoming a Serial cheater. She's more interested in banging other guys and going out having fun. Bars, clubs, concerts,etc... But I spent more time watching our little child. She is gone I have primary custody. She had little interest in our son at the end and still doesn't.

I like to have fun too. I love going out to do all those things. I also love being a father to this little being who needs love. I don't mind being trapped in being a father. I am proud of him. I will protect them with all of my abilities... And more so.

Cheaters are selfish narcissist. They Don't Love their significant other and they don't love their children.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your outcome is very simple. You need to grab this issue by the balls and clamp down fast. Man up and be stern. Tell her she is no longer trapped and free to do whatever she wants. Also tell her that her actions towards you have consequences which will mean immediate divorce and so on if she does not cut off all contact with him and leaves for the trip. Don't be fooled she wants to meet up with him. She will not spend the time alone.

You should immediately seperate any joint finances into your own private account. Redirect your work pay. Cancel any joint Credit Cards. Whilst she is away change the locks on the house, and pack all her things up and take them to a storage shed. Pay the first months rent. Nothing will hit her harder than the realities of your actions if you follow the advice given.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think snowlovr did his drive by and cruised on down the road. No response since the original post.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

He doesn't want to hear what everyone has been telling him. OK, let him suffer in silence. He'll need a new broom for all his rug-sweeping.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Is it just me or some BS only come by, drop their story, we give 100 posts and they don't show for a while, if ever.....
> 
> Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


*cough* This is just evident now?


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Get out asap. It's hard to move decisively when you're in shock, you will save yourself an extraordinary amount of grief and despair. As long as you are with her, you too are in infidelity. No contacting her, and filing for divorce (you can always change your mind) gets you out of fidelity and in control of your future. It won't cure your broken heart, as that will take some time to do, but it will restore your dignity, as being a man who refuses to play "the pick me game" and demanding she release you (by divorce) or him. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it, (if it's worthy of saving). Place the matter in her lap, not yours. This is her problem so she has to fix it if she wishes to. If she doesn't, move on as there's nothing you can do about it. 

She's deep into this relationship from what I'm reading. There's nothing you can do to get her off this guy, so you'll have to take the bull by the horns and protect your own interests because she sure as hell won't. This can be done only be having her served and getting out of her life. She'll IMMEDIATELY recognize her life without you and at that point she'll have to make the decision. You've made yours, so the ball will be in her court. If you sit and feel sorry for yourself and ask that she gets rid of her boyfriend, this will do literally nothing and in fact may push her to him even more as she will see that you're not going anywhere and by doing so you will provide her with the safety blanket she needs while having her boyfriend on the side. You have to BLOW her world up with action or else be the on the losing end of her wayward actions indefinitely.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

@OP, I don't know if you'll be back or if you're even reading this but....
This is one of the most important things anyone could tell you; don't do anything stupid.
Legal issues, police, anything criminal, etc is the very last thing you need. As irresistible as the urge may be to follow the wife and to beat the brakes off of this guy is, don't give in. 
This will double or triple your current problems.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SnowLovr said:


> Therapist said she should go and I can not control her but I should *tell her if she is in touch with him that is it and it’s over,*
> 
> ......
> 
> How should I continue?


Exactly as your therapist said to do so.

And I'd add, it is obvious she is in touch with him still and will see him in person if she goes on the trip.

Get your ducks in a row, consult with a lawyer, get tested for STDs and prepare for divorce.

Don't be Plan B. I've been Plan B, it is a horrible place.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Yes, she is going to go see him during her trip out of town. Let her go, but see an attorney and have divorce papers drawn up on her way out of town. Even if by some small chance she isn't going to see him, she won't cut contact and that can't be tolerated. If this marriage is to survive, you are going to have to be willing to show her consequences. If you do the pick me you will definately be divorced soon, but on her terms and after months of agony and her banging this dude under your nose. I guarantee if you show her that you won't tolerate this, you will be out of infidelity one way or another.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You can always file for divorce and then call off the proceedings later on if she shows contrition.


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