# Feeling guilty- should I confess?



## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

Hi Guys, 

Please can I ask for some non-judgmental advice. I know I have screwed up massively and feel awful..

38 years old and married for 10 years with 2 kids. I love my wife very much and we have a good life. Around 6 months ago I was working away for a week - something that I do a couple of times per year. I am not making excuses, however during this time I was not in a place with depression etc and feeling low. 

Whilst working away, I overheard 2 of my younger colleagues talking about online chat rooms/webcams etc and how they had used them - they are young free single 20 somethings so no issue. That evening, whilst in my hotel room I decided to take a look. I don't know what made me do this as it's never been my thing before. I had had a couple of drinks and whilst this is not an excuse, I think it may have lowered my inhibitions a little. I have to admit that I found it exciting and naughty ( I feel so embarrassed by this now) and I used the webcam/chatroom for a couple of hours where I liaised with women and men. I didn't show my face or private parts and I didn't type or way anything graphic. Apolgies if this is TMI but basically I watched them masturbate whilst I did the same - again, I did not put this on camera for anyone to see - the camera was aimed at my chest - no face or private bits on show at all, so there is no concerns that anyone has any pics of me etc. 

Since that day I have been racked with the most incredible guilt over this. I know that my wife would be devastated by my behaviour. I feel like I should confess, however I worry that it will spell the end of what has always been a really good marriage. I have never cheated on my wife in real life and I have no desire to use the webcams ever again. I still can't believe that I allowed myself to be so driven by my libido.

I am not looking for reassurance or sympathy. What I did was unacceptable, however do you think I should tell my wife about it, or would you keep it to yourself? 

Thanks

Timmy


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Timmy,

Honesty is always the best policy...and that isn’t just an old cliche. 

If you tell the truth she will see and know the real you and be able to make up her mind how she wants to address it based on all the real facts. If you keep it from her, then she isn’t knowing the real you...she is knowing what she THINKS is you and isn’t.

Being honest with your spouse when it’s scary is respectful. It shows her you think SHE can handle it like an adult. Being dishonest hides your real self from her and says by your actions “I don’t believe you can handle this” and that’s disrespectful.

So it’s okay to be afraid but tell her the truth and work through it together. As you work it out and she forgives you, you will find her ability to love you even more amazing. She may be upset at first, but once you accept responsibility and work to be a better partner she can look at you with respect because you told the truth when it wasn’t easy.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

tim981 said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> Please can I ask for some non-judgmental advice. I know I have screwed up massively and feel awful..
> 
> ...


Six months and incredible guilt. This is changing who you are. 

Figure out who you are, what you stand for, what the boundaries are in your marriage NOW. Then claim this as your character the next time you are tempted, drinking, away, etc.

The sites are popular because *many* are in the mindset you were then! Why is it you are more likely to do something like this when you are away? Why did you give yourself permission then? I'm thinking next time it will be easier if you don't fess up and discuss with your wife.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM Timmy,

You sound like you are a good man, that made a super lousy decision. I believe honesty is the way to go. Be very open about all the guilt you have dealt with over this. All the times you have wanted to confess, but we’re afraid she would not be able to forgive you. The millions of scenarios you ran of all the hurt it would cause her. Beg her for forgiveness. 

This will continue to eat away your soul. She needs to know, and you need to confess. It will also protect you in the future if she is aware this happened. By continuing to hide it, you increase the chance of doing it again in secret. 

It’s gonna be hard, but you should tell her, get it over with, and deal with it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Be prepared that she may divorce you over it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am a great believer that honestly is always the best policy, so yes I do think that you need to tell her and be honest. 
No one here knows how she may react, yes she will be very hurt and probably angry, but hopefully you can work though it eventually.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I have discussed it with my counsellor ( I have counselling for my depression issues) and his view was not to tell her as it would be selfish to pass on my guilt to her. He said that his view would be different if I had engaged in a physical real life affair. 

I am terrified of the consequences of what I did, not only for my wife and I, but for our Children too, despite me being accountable for all of it. I think that I am going to have to discuss it with her, however I just cannot imagine how I am going to start this conversation.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> What I did was unacceptable, however do you think I should tell my wife about it



No. And also calm the f down. There are worse things you can do to your marriage. Spend that guilt energy on something productive instead.



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> I have discussed it with my counsellor ( I have counselling for my depression issues) and his view was not to tell her as *it would be selfish to pass on my guilt to her. *



Yes exactly. You have a good counsellor. 
Most of the time, honesty is key. This is not one of those times.




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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> I am terrified of the consequences of what I did, not only for my wife and I, but for our Children too, despite me being accountable for all of it. I think that I am going to have to discuss it with her, however I just cannot imagine how I am going to start this conversation.



Does she ‘allow’ you to watch porn when you are away? (Or at home, if she’s not having sex with you).
Because that’s more or less the same thing.

People will argue it’s not, but all this stuff is anonymous (you should hope) and it’s basically just ‘interactive porn’. (I think most women on these sites are ‘professionals’ anyway, trying to earn a bit of extra cash). It’s not like you are arranging to meet all these people and have sex with them in real life.

Some consider watching pornography is a form of cheating (I don’t, and the majority of people don’t either). In some ways real porn is worse as you don’t always know whether all women are ‘willing’ participants and not forced in one way or another...
But it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks: if you feel you can’t ‘man up’ and ‘cope’ with all that guilt on your own, and that you need to dump all of it onto your wife and potentially break up a family over this*, then go ahead and tell her.

*actually you don’t know this. She may laugh about it. 


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

Thanks. I don't want to minimize what I did as it was wrong, however I didn't flash my private bits. show my face or engage in deep dirty conversation - I just watched. I know this sounds awful. I guess that I could be accused of voyerusim!


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You obviously feel very guilty about your actions and that is why you want to confess.
It won't undo what you did though. There is no going back in time and erasing the event.

It's good that you own your actions. Your guilt is showing you that this does not fit with who you are.
Do you think you will be tempted again?

As a wife I think (from my own experience) that I would rather not know about a one off event that I consider live porn. If it was definitely a one time only. And you then committed yourself more fully to the marriage knowing what you nearly lost through stupidity. 
A ONS, EA, or PA, then yes I would want to know, and I would probably divorce. 
But that's just me.
Your wife probably has different views and you know her best.
Decide whether you are confessing to ease your guilt or to respect your wife.

What would you want if it was the other way around and your wife was the one asking this question?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Telling your wife and expressing your remorse, while disappointing, will allow her to trust you. If she found out before you confessed, it would be harder to trust you. The remorse you expressed in your post should be expressed to her. 

Letting her know you slipped will also help you stay accountable. The knowledge that you did this will enable her to check up on you, and this will help you not to make the same mistake again later. That's a good thing.

Clear your conscience today and inform her what happened. She deserves to know the truth. Best of luck.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

I should add that it wasn't a professional webcam site - it was just other idiots like me!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> Thanks. I don't want to minimize what I did as it was wrong, however I didn't flash my private bits. show my face or engage in deep dirty conversation - I just watched. I know this sounds awful. I guess that I could be accused of voyerusim!




You aren’t minimising, I was (well, just putting it into perspective). 
If my wife did it, I would want to know. But only because it would be a turn on and i would want her to show me how  (that she is a highly sexual being is always a turn on). I wouldn’t feel threatened by it. And in fact, we have done this kind of thing together...actually I don’t think she likes it - on balance - so we don’t, anymore.

If she had an ONS or cheated on me I probably wouldn’t want to know (if it was a one off thing and she wanted to continue with the marriage and was still sexually highly attracted to me). Again: I think she is a human, she is ‘allowed’ to make mistakes but she should know what she wants and not lie or deceive me: so I would rather not know. (I realise this sounds like the definition of deception but fact is, if she tells me she ****ed someone, she will know that I won’t have any options left but leave her so if I don’t, she will lose respect for me and it will be over anyway. I would view her action of telling me as her (implicit) wish to break up the marriage).

If she told me because she felt she couldn’t live with her guilt and needed to come clean, I would probably divorce too. Because to me, this is childish. I’m not her shrink or there to have her guilt or emotions dumped on me.

Just speculating of course. It could all be very different in reality...

I just mean that to you, it may see ‘honourable’ to come clean, but to someone else, it might be irritating and something they would lose respect over forever (I know it sounds counter intuitive).. Once respect is lost, it’s over.

And yes, never show your face whatever you do online. Nobody cares if they see your ****. Like there aren’t millions of random ****s on the internet already that nobody cares about...The government probably has posters of your **** all over the White House after they gather ‘intelligence’ off your phone.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> I should add that it wasn't a professional webcam site - it was just other idiots like me!



Yes but women on those sites typically do it for ‘tips’ (money) while men do it for ‘fun’. (At least that was my understanding the last time I saw it; which, granted, was a while ago).
The ‘idiots’ comment still stands because I don’t think women earn very much and men don’t really have all that much ‘fun’ as it’s all really quite boring and completely pointless after a while.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

inmyprime said:


> You aren’t minimising, I was (well, just putting it into perspective).
> If my wife did it, I would want to know. But only because it would be a turn on and if want her to show me how  (that she is a highly sexual being is always a turn on). I wouldn’t feel threatened by it. And in fact, we have done this kind of thing together...actually I don’t think she likes it - on balance - so we don’t, anymore.
> 
> If she had an ONS or cheated on me I probably wouldn’t want to know (if it was a one off thing and she wanted to continue with the marriage and was still sexually highly attracted to me). Again: I think she is a human, she is ‘allowed’ to make mistakes but she should know what she wants and not lie or deceive me: so I would rather not know. (I realise this sounds like the definition of deception but fact is, if she tells me she ****ed someone, she will know that I won’t have any options left but leave her so if I don’t, she will lose respect for me and it will be over anyway. I would view her action of telling me as her (implicit) wish to break up the marriage).
> ...


would you consider my behavior as 'cheating'?


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

inmyprime said:


> Yes but women on those sites typically do it for ‘tips’ (money) while men do it for ‘fun’. (At least that was my understanding the last time I saw it; which, granted, was a while ago).
> The ‘idiots’ comment still stands because I don’t think women earn very much and men don’t really have all that much ‘fun’ as it’s all really quite boring and completely pointless after a while.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The site was ******. I think it's just a video chat site. I don't think that there was anyway of paying or offering tips etc. Just other stupidly horny people like me.

{I removed the name of the site that you used as we do not allow spamming for such sites on TAM - EleGirl}


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Usually I agree with the majority of the group in most threads but I am going to have to completely disagree with the consensus on this one. 

I do *NOT*think you should burden you wife with this at all. 


You did not physically or emotionally cheat and you did not expose her to any STDs and you have no intentions of carrying on with other women in real life. And you are not denying her of any love or affection or marital sexuality. 

In other words what you did in your own room by yourself while you were out of town was your own business on your own time and did not effect her in any way. 

It is none of her business what you did with your junk by yourself. If you divulge this to you then you are making it her business and are trying to lessen your guilt by shifting it onto her and that is simply not fair. 

If you are having guilt issues over this then take it up with your counselor or a therapist or a clergy or something but this is your own cross to bear and has nothing to do with you wife and it does not effect her so do not try to assuage your hang ups and your guilt onto her. 

All it will do is cause her unneeded distress and threaten an otherwise good marriage for something that did not cause any negative impact or problems in the first place.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> would you consider my behavior as 'cheating'?



I don’t think it matters what I would consider it...It matters what you consider it and even more so what your wife would consider it.

‘Cheating’ is a simple term for a very complex topic...Any form of deceit is potentially a destruction of trust. And trust is the most important thing that holds a relationship together.

If I did what you did, I know my wife wouldn’t consider it a breach of trust. 
If I started going on dates with these people or interact with them emotionally or if it would take over my life or have any impact whatsoever on our marriage, then it would be a different story. She knows it wouldn’t be a threat (and porn wouldn’t either) and she also knows I don’t do it or watch porn when I’m home (because it really is boring and not a good substitute for the ‘real thing’) so it’s not even an issue.

Don’t get me wrong, some people get addicted and it really can become a big problem but it’s up to you to figure out what it ‘means’ (or ‘meant’) to you. 

And no, I wouldn’t tell her, clear your browser history and just quit it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tim981 said:


> would you consider my behavior as 'cheating'?


No. 

Would you consider her cheating on you if she masturbated that night also?

Now if you were doing it every night and draining your tank to the point you were not giving your wife her due attention and loving and marital sexuality and affection, then I would say yes. 

But one night of spanking in your own room when you were away from her anyway - absolutely not. 

For all you know she dug out her vibrator from the back of the closet and had a spank herself that night. Would you consider her cheating?


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Usually I agree with the majority of the group in most threads but I am going to have to completely disagree with the consensus on this one.
> 
> I do *NOT*think you should burden you wife with this at all.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I suppose her issue would be that there was at least some level of one to one interaction. Altough the other person couldn't see my face/junk, they knew I was there and that I was getting off on it. Sound so awful as I type this but I have to be honest if I am posting on here for advice. 
I don't think the fact that it was women and men would be the issue. She knows that I am 80% straight, and that I can feel attracted to both genders. THis was vaguely discussed years ago, however it's never been an issue for us as our marriage, up until this point, has been monogamous. I hate the thought of losing my wife over this ****.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

No I wouldn't but I guess that mastibating alone is a different thing. Like most guys, I masturbate regularly, however not usually when watching a guy/girl masturbating on their webcam. I guess that is the difference. Would I want to know if my wife did that?? Not sure I would.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tim981 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I have discussed it with my counsellor ( I have counselling for my depression issues) and his view was not to tell her as it would be selfish to pass on my guilt to her. He said that his view would be different if I had engaged in a physical real life affair.
> 
> I am terrified of the consequences of what I did, not only for my wife and I, but for our Children too, despite me being accountable for all of it. I think that I am going to have to discuss it with her, however I just cannot imagine how I am going to start this conversation.


I agree completely with your counselor. 

And why are you bringing up your children in this discussion for God's sake????

What you do with your junk is absolutely none of your children's business. 

I am not trying to demean you or your angst over this but I really think you are making mountains out of microscopic, midget-ant hills. 

If your depression actually some kind of anxiety disorder or there is a strong anxiety component to it? You are way to wrapped around the axle over this. 

You did not cheat or disparage your marriage at all. You were one of the several billion men that spanked to some kind of porn or sexual imagery that night. 

Now if you did it all the time or with child porn or something like that, then yes that is a problem and will negatively effect your marriage eventually. But one night of spanking in a motel room is not worthy of any distress.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

*webcam*

Hi, 

Has anyone ever used a sex chat/webcam thingy without telling their wife/partner? Did you confess and if so, what was the reaction? 

I stupidly did this a while ago ( didn't reveal any of my self - just watched others) and now feel wracked with guilt.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

Thanks. Yes, I do tend to get anxious over situations, hence my counselor. I mentioned the kids in terms of how they would be affected if I told my wife and we split - this would massively impact on their life and I would hate that. 

It was nothing dodgy or illegal - just other adults spanking at the same time. 

I guess that a lot of people consider cybersex to be cheating, and this worried me.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

tim981 said:


> The site was *****. I think it's just a video chat site. I don't think that there was anyway of paying or offering tips etc. Just other stupidly horny people like me.


Don't think your video chats are private. I read an article on these online video chat sites and it says often scammers are just playing videos and are chatting in order to sound like they are the ones in the video. They do this to record videos of unsuspecting people to put on porn sites. That doesn't necessarily mean it happened to you, but you shouldn't use those sites if you're worried about being identified.


{I removed the name of the site that you used as we do not allow spamming for such sites on TAM - EleGirl}


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> She knows that I am 80% straight....



Ah ok. Well, that’s a different issue. 
I was wondering, because I came across ***** once (by accident), and all I could see were hairy naked dudes (not judging, it’s just what it was).
IMO the ‘threat’ to your marriage might come from the other 20% rather than porn/anonymous video chats...You obviously must have some ‘void’ a 100% heterosexual relationship might not completely fill? 
I’m not sure how this works, so maybe I should leave it there before I say something ignorant or plain wrong!



{I removed the name of the site that you used as we do not allow spamming for such sites on TAM - EleGirl}


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tim981 said:


> Thank you, I suppose her issue would be that there was at least some level of one to one interaction. Altough the other person couldn't see my face/junk, they knew I was there and that I was getting off on it. Sound so awful as I type this but I have to be honest if I am posting on here for advice.
> I don't think the fact that it was women and men would be the issue. She knows that I am 80% straight, and that I can feel attracted to both genders. THis was vaguely discussed years ago, however it's never been an issue for us as our marriage, up until this point, has been monogamous. I hate the thought of losing my wife over this ****.


I was getting ready to ask if you were having some kind of crisis over checking out dudes and were having some kind of confusion or crisis over your sexual orientation, but I see that you are already somewhat comfortable with having a degree of bisexuality. 

You are seeing this as some form of adultery and I do not see as that in any way shape or form. 

I see this as a guy spanking to sexual imagery and that is something that 99,9999% of males (and probably (96.999% of women) have done since they were 13 years old. 

This was not adultery. 

It may have been kind of sleezy and creepy in a way, but not cheating and there was no harm or impact done to your wife, your marriage, your children or any puppies. 

If you don't tell your wife then life just goes on as usual and no other harm can come from it. 

The only impact here is your inappropriate and out of proportion guilt. I suspect that is part of your anxiety/depression disorder that you are being treated for. 

Please continue your treatment and therapies and keep your wife and children out of this. This is between you and your counselor and your counselor is giving you sage, professional advice.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

inmyprime said:


> Ah ok. Well, that’s a different issue.
> I was wondering, because I came across ***** once (by accident), and all I could see were hairy naked dudes (not judging, it’s just what it was).
> IMO the ‘threat’ to your marriage might come from the other 20% rather than porn/anonymous video chats...You obviously must have some ‘void’ a 100% heterosexual relationship might not completely fill?
> I’m not sure how this works, so maybe I should leave it there before I say something ignorant or plain wrong!


Thanks for posting again. 

It has never really impacted our marriage as we are monogamous. I have only ever been in heterosexual relationships and have never actually had an 'experience' with another guy. I have zero interest in any physical relationship with anyone other than my wife. My view is that a lot of people ( not all) fall on a spectrum of sexuality somewhere between totally straight and totally gay. I identify as straight as that best defines who I am, however I can be attracted to both genders. With regards to webcam event, it was more women than men, with a couple on there too. I perhaps sholudn't have mentioned the sexuality thing as it really isn't about that.


{I removed the name of the site that you used as we do not allow spamming for such sites on TAM - EleGirl}


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I was getting ready to ask if you were having some kind of crisis over checking out dudes and were having some kind of confusion or crisis over your sexual orientation, but I see that you are already somewhat comfortable with having a degree of bisexuality.
> 
> You are seeing this as some form of adultery and I do not see as that in any way shape or form.
> 
> ...


Hi, yes I have no issues with my sexuality. It's largely a moot issue and apart from this indiscretion, I am 100% faithful and happy with my wife. I certainly don;t crave a physical relatioship with anyone else.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tim981 said:


> Thanks for posting again.
> 
> 
> 
> It has never really impacted our marriage as we are monogamous. I have only ever been in heterosexual relationships and have never actually had an 'experience' with another guy. I have zero interest in any physical relationship with anyone other than my wife. My view is that a lot of people ( not all) fall on a spectrum of sexuality somewhere between totally straight and totally gay. I identify as straight as that best defines who I am, however I can be attracted to both genders. With regards to webcam event, it was more women than men, with a couple on there too. I perhaps sholudn't have mentioned the sexuality thing as it really isn't about that.




Yes I agree about sexuality being on a spectrum etc. But how did you know to ‘split’ yours up like that? (80/20)

Either way, if your wife is all you need, I do still think all the things I wrote would probably apply...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tim981 said:


> .
> 
> I guess that a lot of people consider cybersex to be cheating, and this worried me.


OK, IMHO you should not post or discuss this kind of stuff here and should stick to the professional advice you are receiving from your counselor that actually went to school to counsel people. 

Here's the thing - many of the people on this site are here because they were cheated on and are hypersensitive to anything that does not involve completely pure and innocent, monogamous, marital sex. 

If some guy comes on here and says he sneaked a peek at some other gal's bright red pedicure as she walked by in flip flops, there are going to be people setting off alarms bells that he is a predator getting ready to cheat and there are people here that if some woman says she liked some guys bicep tattoo at the gym, they will accuse her of being the town harlot and that her husband should kick her to the curb and go for full custody. 

Everything is a matter of degrees. One night of spanking to other people spanking on webcam is not adultery and will have virtually no negative impact on anyone (other than your disproportional guilt complex and anxiety) 

If you were to do it all the time to where you are not giving your wife her proper attention and love and affection, then it is a problem. 

If you do it with kids of child porn, then it is a problem.

If you start having personal communication and making emotional connections with these people, then it is a problem.

If you start meeting them in real life and having physical contact with them, then it is a problem. 

Telling your wife and making it her problem and threatening the stability of your home and marriage, definitely a big problem.

One night of spanking to a webcam, not a problem. 

This is your anxiety disorder talking. Take it up with your counselor. That is what you are paying him to advise you on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: webcam*



tim981 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Has anyone ever used a sex chat/webcam thingy without telling their wife/partner? Did you confess and if so, what was the reaction?
> 
> I stupidly did this a while ago ( didn't reveal any of my self - just watched others) and now feel wracked with guilt.


Please keep this to one thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that you should stick to what your counselor told you... do not tell your wife.

Your counselor knows your state of mind and the extent of your depression and other mental health issues. No one here know all of that. Trust your counselor, he/she knows you.

Now I'm one who believes that tell your spouse if you cheated is important. But this is not cheating... especially since you did it one time. If it was a habit that you did all the time, she should know because that affects her. But this does not.

My take on what you are saying here is that you are feeling out of proportion guilt. So on some level you feel that telling your wife about this will make you feel better. That's not what's going to happen. Instead it will hurt your wife and in the end, you will feel worse and so will she.

This was a one time thing. Just do not do it again.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

tim981 said:


> The site was ******. I think it's just a video chat site. I don't think that there was anyway of paying or offering tips etc. Just other stupidly horny people like me.
> 
> {I removed the name of the site that you used as we do not allow spamming for such sites on TAM - EleGirl}



Apologies Elegirl


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

inmyprime said:


> Yes I agree about sexuality being on a spectrum etc. But how did you know to ‘split’ yours up like that? (80/20)
> 
> Either way, if your wife is all you need, I do still think all the things I wrote would probably apply...
> 
> ...


I plucked those numbers from the air to be honest - I am mostly straight!


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: webcam*



tim981 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Has anyone ever used a sex chat/webcam thingy without telling their wife/partner? Did you confess and if so, what was the reaction?
> 
> I stupidly did this a while ago ( didn't reveal any of my self - just watched others) and now feel wracked with guilt.


F'getaboutit - and don't EVER do that again. Seriously, just do what I'm telling you. Stay away from anything that carries the potential of sex video or sex still photography - EVER. No taking any kind of pictures or sharing pictures of anything sex. Keep your body parts and your sex life unpublished, not recorded.

Just drop it and consider it one of those stupid things you did to step over a line and then never, ever do it again.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

*Re: webcam*

I don't get the webcam stuff really. Not my cuppa. Plus don't you have to pay for them? Why would anyone ever pay for porn? There's like 100,000,000 terabytes of porn available for free out there online. Can't find anything you like?


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

*Re: webcam*

No. I've never used those webcams. I think you should stop now. You dont want to develop an addiction that could potentially hurt you and/or your career. What happens if you participate and somehow your day job finds out? You would lose everything that you've worked for.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: webcam*

*Just don't do it, Tim!

Why wrack yourself with the potential of a lifetime of guilt and pain, all for a few minutes of prurient pleasure?
*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

tim981 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I have discussed it with my counsellor ( I have counselling for my depression issues) and his view was not to tell her as it would be selfish to pass on my guilt to her. He said that his view would be different if I had engaged in a physical real life affair.
> 
> I am terrified of the consequences of what I did, not only for my wife and I, but for our Children too, despite me being accountable for all of it. I think that I am going to have to discuss it with her, however I just cannot imagine how I am going to start this conversation.


I think that your counsellor gave terrible advise. To me the lies and deception are as bad as what you did. If I found out and my husband hadn't told me, I would not be able to trust him again, but if you come clean and tell her, at least you have been honest and repentant. To me it makes no difference what you showed of yourself, you watched others masturbating and you joined in. 
Also I think that if you tell her you will be less likely to do it again. 

There is no way that I could keep something like that that from my husband, I love and respect him far too much to do that, like you the guilt would be overwhelming. I also disagree with some here that your guilt is out of proportion, I can only assume that do similar stuff themselves, or are at least regular porn users. 
In her place I would definitely want to know. I don't believe in keeping secrets in marriage, plus they often have a way of coming to the surface later on. It is 100% her business that you did this, and so what that it was only once, it happened. Honesty, especially in marriage, is always the best way to go. 

Ita good that you feel so guilty, it shows that you have a strong conscience and moral values and that you want to do the right thing. I respect you for that. 

Do you normally watch porn?How does she feel about porn use?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tim981 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I have discussed it with my counsellor ( I have counselling for my depression issues) and his view was not to tell her as it would be selfish to pass on my guilt to her. He said that his view would be different if I had engaged in a physical real life affair.
> 
> I am terrified of the consequences of what I did, not only for my wife and I, but for our Children too, despite me being accountable for all of it. I think that I am going to have to discuss it with her, however I just cannot imagine how I am going to start this conversation.


Have you and your counsellor discussed the possibility that your daft behaviour was, at least in part, a component of your depression? 

Are you on any meds that might have clouded your judgement? If so, you need to get these changed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I think that your counsellor gave terrible advise. To me the lies and deception are as bad as what you did. If I found out and my husband hadn't told me, I would not be able to trust him again, but if you come clean and tell her, at least you have been honest and repentant. To me it makes no difference what you showed of yourself, you watched others masturbating and you joined in.
> Also I think that if you tell her you will be less likely to do it again.
> 
> There is no way that I could keep something like that that from my husband, I love and respect him far too much to do that, like you the guilt would be overwhelming. I also disagree with some here that your guilt is out of proportion, I can only assume that do similar stuff themselves, or are at least regular porn users.
> ...


Yeah, but his counsellor knows his medical history, and a lot of stuff we don't know, so I'd tend to trust his advice on this, to be honest. Even though I'm normally in favour of full disclosure.

The problem with full disclosure is that sometimes it can seem a little bit like guilt transfer. Sharing the pain to make the guilty person feel better, without really doing much for the other party.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tim981 said:


> I should add that it wasn't a professional webcam site - it was just other idiots like me!


So, you had ten minutes of fun and six months of guilt? Doh! I get it! You must be British! :slap:

Actually, that's just a guess based on the fact that you spell "behaviour" and "counsellor" with the correct amount of words. And your grammar is as good as what mine is! (Obscure Morecambe And Wise reference, there, Tim!) :rofl:

Based on your spelling you could easily be from a commonwealth Country, too, for that matter.

Calm yourself, Tim. Just be the best husband and dad, ever and things will seem better, soon.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> So, you had ten minutes of fun and six months of guilt? Doh! I get it! You must be British! :slap:
> 
> Actually, that's just a guess based on the fact that you spell "behaviour" and "counsellor" with the correct amount of words. And your grammar is as good as what mine is! (Obscure Morecambe And Wise reference, there, Tim!) :rofl:
> 
> ...



Yes very British!! 

I am trying to focus on being a better husband. I am still torn over whether to tell her what I did. 
I have a counselling session coming up in the next couple of weeks, so I am inclined to discuss my worries again, before making a decision.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

tim981 said:


> Thank you, I suppose her issue would be that there was at least some level of one to one interaction. Altough the other person couldn't see my face/junk, they knew I was there and that I was getting off on it. Sound so awful as I type this but I have to be honest if I am posting on here for advice.
> I don't think the fact that it was women and men would be the issue. She knows that I am 80% straight, and that I can feel attracted to both genders. THis was vaguely discussed years ago, however it's never been an issue for us as our marriage, up until this point, has been monogamous. I hate the thought of losing my wife over this ****.


Well, I'm going to say it.

Is your wife THAT much of a tight-ass that she's actually going to make a big stink about it JUST because you got off looking at web cams one night - like millions and millions of other mouth breathers do? 

_*Seriously????*_

When I read about women like this and the husbands who are so damned afraid of them that they're cowering in a corner, it reminds me to tell my husband that he'd better start appreciating me more because his life could be a LOT worse. 

A *lot* worse.

OP, take it down a few notches. Jesus. 

Do you run home and 'confess' every time you look at a pretty woman or glance at a woman's cleavage?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

tim981 said:


> I am trying to focus on being a better husband. I am still torn over whether to tell her what I did.


How big of a violation of trust would this be to your wife? Some people wouldn't care, but to others it would be a huge deal. If you know that your wife is strongly anti-porn and masturbation, then you should come to terms that you have a serious point of contention in your relationship.

As to whether it is adultery or not, it's pretty close to that line. Maybe it just before or just after, but it's definitely in the realm of adultery. You had a sexual experience with another person, even if it was just over a webcam. Masturbating with porn can be seen as similar, but it's not as close since there's not another person involved. 

One issue you also need to deal with is that this webcam experience was very exciting. That can make you want to do it again and again. And you may want to make it more exciting, so you might take it to higher levels. We rarely go from A to Z in one step. We take small steps where each step seems inconsequential. We go from A to B, then B to C, and so on, until we're at Z and can't understand how we got so far off track. It's not guaranteed that you'll ramp it up, but be aware in case you start to go down that path.

Although I don't feel that a single instance is that bad, you seem like you have a lot of guilt over it. I worry that this will fester within you and will cause other problems. Because of that, I think you need to come clean with your wife and deal with the consequences.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Listen to your counselor. 

No, don't dump this on your wife. If this is a one off, also classified as a "mistake" (in your mind, and others, but not everyone) you made, and you've learned from it, let it go.

You may be just trying to make yourself feel better by telling her.

Calm down, let it go. 

It doesn't sound like you're a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde here.

Your wife may or may not just laugh, and say it's ok d es ar, or you may give her body image issues, her thinking she isn't attractive enough for you. 

Don't tell her. Unless you keep doing it, or secretly want her permission to do it more, what's the up side?

Good luck,

RR


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

True story--Once Upon A Time....

I went to the mail box and opened a large envelope addressed to Occupant. It contained sex catalogs and a letter stating, "since your car--license plate XXX-XXXX (my at that time husband's)--is so often in our parking lot, we wanted to offer you an opportunity to shop through our catalogue."

Today the same thing happens because of trackers from many sexually related sites. Tim has been identified as a good customer.

Was your incident really one night? or more since you were there a week? Sort of a trickle truth?

How often have your relived this, been tempted to repeat? Your counselor knows you better than we do--two diverse camps here re divulging or not. People cheat all the time--we don't know what you typed, but your intent was clear. Some escape revelation, but that does not mean they escape other consequences.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, but his counsellor knows his medical history, and a lot of stuff we don't know, so I'd tend to trust his advice on this, to be honest. Even though I'm normally in favour of full disclosure.
> 
> The problem with full disclosure is that sometimes it can seem a little bit like guilt transfer. Sharing the pain to make the guilty person feel better, without really doing much for the other party.


I see not telling as a total cop out though. Keeping something so important a secret will eventually harm the marriage and may well come to light in the end which will be worse. 
I have had very severe depression many years ago, it should never stop you from doing the right thing. If he is already depressed then the guilt will make him far worse anyway. 
As a wife I would not want such a thing to be kept secret.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I'm going to say it.
> 
> Is your wife THAT much of a tight-ass that she's actually going to make a big stink about it JUST because you got off looking at web cams one night - like millions and millions of other mouth breathers do?
> 
> ...


Hardly the same as noticing a woman's cleavage of course. 
Both my husband and I would see this as a very big deal, neither of us watches porn either. Sexual fidelity is very important for us as it seems to be for tim as well. We would definitely tell if that happened to one of us. Its wrong to deceive our spouses.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

tim981 said:


> Yes very British!!
> 
> I am trying to focus on being a better husband. I am still torn over whether to tell her what I did.
> I have a counselling session coming up in the next couple of weeks, so I am inclined to discuss my worries again, before making a decision.


I suspect that your wife will notice that something is wrong in time anyway. The guilt may well make the depression worse as well. I will never understand how a good husband or wife can keep something so important from their spouse, and many counsellors give terrible advise. The guilt shows that you have a strong conscience, and that's good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@tim981 I merged your two threads since they are on the same topic.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It sounds as if you have already moved your volume from 11 to a more sane number on the dial... keep breathing like that.

A while ago, I was reading the teachings of one of your countrymen that is a Theravada monk, Ajahn Brahm, and he taught a simple concept:

Acknowledge
Forgive yourself
Learn

The first is obvious and present here in this thread... how about the second and third?

Neither are done overnight as you have experienced, especially with fear in the way.

It is a wonderful act of humility to recognize the wrong and apologize, but there is no statute of limitations for when that happens. To rush it for the wrong reasons may create an insincerity for the cause of getting it over with, or if the intention is to ease your own conscious over at the expense of others such as the wronged.

Life happens... take your time and think about how your apology should be issued when the time is right, without a great fear of the consequences because you accept the responsibility of your actions, a stand-up guy that your partner can look to with an equal forgiveness.

As long as you've stopped the transgression, keep on stopping and learn that this suffering is not worth such actions to expose those we love to.

Be sure to be patient and that you are sorry for the right reasons... your heart will then tell you all you need to do to make this right.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Oh, and if we were able to ever start a thread on the dirtiest thing that any of us feel like we ever did, you would feel like a saint afterwards.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> True story--Once Upon A Time....
> 
> I went to the mail box and opened a large envelope addressed to Occupant. It contained sex catalogs and a letter stating, "since your car--license plate XXX-XXXX (my at that time husband's)--is so often in our parking lot, we wanted to offer you an opportunity to shop through our catalogue."
> 
> ...


Hi

It really was one night of madness- a few hours of madness admittedly, but just the one night. I have no desire to do it again. I will be totally honest, at the time it felt exciting but the stress and guilt that it has created has killed any desire for a repeat performance!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

tim981 said:


> Hi
> 
> It really was one night of madness- a few hours of madness admittedly, but just the one night. I have no desire to do it again. I will be totally honest, at the time it felt exciting but the stress and guilt that it has created has killed any desire for a repeat performance!


The guilt is there for a reason, because you need to tell her. Can you honestly keep this lie for the rest of you life and it not affect you and the marriage? I couldn't live with myself if I did that.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> The guilt is there for a reason, because you need to tell her. Can you honestly keep this lie for the rest of you life and it not affect you and the marriage? I couldn't live with myself if I did that.


I get your point, I really do but I also have to decide if it;s worth potentially ruining what has been a successful marriage/partnership. We are also parents so I have factor that into the equation too - this does't just affect my wife and I. I haven't 'physically' cheated, altough I know that many will see this as the same


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

I didn't mention this earlier as I felt it was perhaps too personal, however I think it was wrong to withhold it - we are also expecting another baby in 5 months time.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tim981 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I have discussed it with my counsellor ( I have counselling for my depression issues) and his view was not to tell her as it would be selfish to pass on my guilt to her. He said that his view would be different if I had engaged in a physical real life affair.
> 
> I am terrified of the consequences of what I did, not only for my wife and I, but for our Children too, despite me being accountable for all of it. I think that I am going to have to discuss it with her, however I just cannot imagine how I am going to start this conversation.


My 2 cents. What you did was a bad decision and could lead to a slippery slope of destroying your marriage.

My advice to you, is to take this to your grave and not tell her.............if you can get over your guilt. The reason is that while what you did was really not a nice thing, you really didn't have "physical sex" with anyone other than your wife. Yes, yes, but look at Jimmy Carter who confessed to Playboy that he has lusted in his heart for others beside his wife. Then look at Bill Clinton who couldn't keep it in his pants or keep his hands off other women. You are not a bad person as long as you have learned from your experience and aren't going to do it again. 

My suggestion is find a Catholic priest and confess to him your sin and ask him for God's forgiveness and suggestions on penance. In the big picture of things that you could have done, this is small peanuts. If it continues it will destroy your marriage, but you feel guilt and that is a first step. Listen to your counselor; you want your guilt to go away and in the process you are willing to hurt your wife. 

Unless your wife is a very together and understanding woman, I wouldn't tell her as long as you know it will never happen again and you can work through your guilt.

Good luck.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I don't understand why some here think its wrong or harmful to tell your wife, especially since you feel guilty about what you did. Telling her will not hurt her or you. If you feel you wronged her and want to make amends, you should be honest and let her know. That is how trust is built and the integrity of your marriage is strengthened. If there is some deeper issue that you are undergoing counseling about, then I can't comment on that issue. But as far as the single issue you raised, I see no harm in telling her.

I admitted to my girlfriend recently that I watched porn even though she never asked me if I had. I told her because I felt guilty about it, and I believed that coming clean would help me to stay off it. She was surprised and not happy, but she was glad I admitted it, and I did not receive her wrath or any kind of harsh judgment. Later she asked me if I did it again, and I admitted to her that I was on it twice since my first admission. Again, no anger or harsh judgment. She asked me not to watch it, and from time to time she will ask if I've been on it. I always give her an honest answer. Porn is addicting, and so is the video chatting you were involved in. By coming clean with my girlfriend, she has held me accountable and that has helped me to stay off it. 

This may seem over-the-top to a lot of our readers. But pornography eats away at the integrity of the person watching it and supports exploitation of those doing it. It cheapens the soul. I would be devastated if one of my daughters fell into the porn industry. So I see viewing it as watching some poor father's daughter on screen. 

If your wife is a sensible person, she will appreciate that you are concerned about fidelity, and she will respect you for your honesty and high moral standards. That is how things have played out for me.

What you did is not a deal-breaker. You fell into something that is readily available, a trap. What you did does not make you a bad person. You are only human. The temptations out there are readily available and easily accessible. That is why porn addiction is so pervasive today. I am not saying you are addicted, but there is a slippery slope with these things and addiction is just a mouse-click away for a lot of people. Someone earlier recommended confession to a priest. I am Catholic, and the sacrament of Reconciliation has helped me avoid the temptation. That and being honest with my girlfriend has also held me accountable, and I am much happier because of it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> My suggestion is find a Catholic priest and *confess to him your sin* and ask him for God's forgiveness and suggestions on penance. In the big picture of things that you could have done, this is small peanuts. *If it continues it will destroy your marriage*, but you feel guilt and that is a first step. Listen to your counselor; *you want your guilt to go away and in the process you are willing to hurt your wife.
> *
> *Unless your wife is a very together and understanding woman,* I wouldn't tell her *as long as* *you know *it will never happen again and you can work through your guilt.
> 
> Good luck.


I see video chat (interactive, sexual with men and women) as worse than porn. As above, it is a sin that will destroy the marriage if it continues. How many times does he get to do it til it counts? Y'all have acknowledged that this will hurt his wife (devastate) and may ruin his marriage, so you say DON'T TELL. With this philosophy, how does one decide what counts and what does not--when to tell and when to not?

Hey, for all we know, maybe his wife is doing the same thing--maybe not pregnant though. How many times in his life is he going to wonder if karma is slapping him in the face because of this past behavior? I have no answers, only questions.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

tim981 said:


> I get your point, I really do but I also have to decide if it;s worth potentially ruining what has been a successful marriage/partnership. We are also parents so I have factor that into the equation too - this does't just affect my wife and I. I haven't 'physically' cheated, altough I know that many will see this as the same


 I think it may have been mentioned up-thread, but it's worth mentioning again. 
If your wife did the same, watched others and put her self masturbating up on a webcam, would you want to know about it?
Honestly decide the answer to that and you will know what you should do. Pretty simple. I do agree with Diana7 that if you feel this guilty about it then you probably already know the answer.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If you choose to tell her be prepared when she hits you over the head with it years down the road. She will not forget unless she gets Alzheimers


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

tim981 said:


> I get your point, I really do but I also have to decide if it;s worth potentially ruining what has been a successful marriage/partnership. We are also parents so I have factor that into the equation too - this does't just affect my wife and I. I haven't 'physically' cheated, altough I know that many will see this as the same


Firstly why do you think that she would end the marriage over this? Yes she may well be hurt and feel betrayed, but I doubt she would end the marriage, especially with children. Secondly that is what we call a consequence, telling your spouse and throwing yourself on their mercy is a consequence of what you did. If you watch porn and she is ok with that I doubt she would end the marriage over this which isn't that different in a sense. If you are both against porn use(which we are) then she will be more hurt yes, but still I doubt she would end things and at least she would know that you are repentant, honest and sorry. 
I am not sure why you think that just because something wasn't adultery in the truest sense of the word its not that bad. There are so many things that we can do that are wrong, such as EA's and what you did, that are still a betrayal. 

I am sad that you have listened to people here who think nothing of lying and deception in a marriage. You will need to hope that she never finds out later on because then the trust will be broken. She will know that you lied to her and deceived her as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Firstly why do you think that she would end the marriage over this? Yes she may well be hurt and feel betrayed, but I doubt she would end the marriage, especially with children. Secondly that is what we call a consequence, telling your spouse and throwing yourself on their mercy is a consequence of what you did. If you watch porn and she is ok with that I doubt she would end the marriage over this which isn't that different in a sense. If you are both against porn use(which we are) then she will be more hurt yes, but still I doubt she would end things and at least she would know that you are repentant, honest and sorry.
> I am not sure why you think that just because something wasn't adultery in the truest sense of the word its not that bad. There are so many things that we can do that are wrong, such as EA's and what you did, that are still a betrayal.
> 
> I am sad that you have listened to people here who think nothing of lying and deception in a marriage. You will need to hope that she never finds out later on because then the trust will be broken. She will know that you lied to her and deceived her as well.


Oh, @Diana7, please get over yourself! 

Who on this forum has advised him to lie to his wife? *Nobody. At all.* In fact, what you said in your comment, is, in itself, tantamount to a lie, because it is not a truthful statement.

People can offer their advise, but this should be done without trying to disparage people who have different viewpoints.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, @Diana7, please get over yourself!
> 
> Who on this forum has advised him to lie to his wife? *Nobody. At all.* In fact, what you said in your comment, is, in itself, tantamount to a lie, because it is not a truthful statement.
> 
> People can offer their advise, but this should be done without trying to disparage people who have different viewpoints.


 Many of you here are advising lies and deception. Those things have no place in marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Many of you here are advising lies and deception. Those things have no place in marriage.


I read a very interesting short story by Isaac Asimov. It wasn't science fiction it was a mystery story. It is called: _Truth To Tell_.

The story shows how something that appears on the face of it to be true can actually tell a lie.

If @tim981 tells his wife the truth of what he did he might give her the impression that he did this because he doesn't love her. Which would be a lie.

So in declaring a relatively minor truth, he would actually be telling a monumentally huge lie, that he no longer loved his wife.

He did something very silly. But is there any reason his wife should suffer for his silly act?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@tim981,

There really are many factors here that we don't know--we aren't in your head or in your skin or even in the general vicinity with you to know! 

For example, prior to this has your wife told you she doesn't find porn acceptable, and that webcam or sexting would be equivalent to cheating in her eyes? Is she pretty narrow-minded about what is and is not okay with her? Did you do this knowing she had already told you she'd leave? OR is she pretty open-minded about sexual things, and the two of you have agreed that masturbating without each other is okay and you've never even talked about porn, etc.?

We don't know...

Prior to this, have you had other EAs (emotional affairs) and that's why you feel so guilty? Are you in counseling because you tend to control and thus hold yourself personally responsible for everyone else's choices...and thus you get depressed? Is there some prior history of her threatening to leave or you having poor sexual boundaries? 

We don't know...

So based on the little we do know (that you two are married, she is pregnant, you were away and did webcam masturbation, you feel enormous guilt about it, and you are in counseling for depression), I would still advocate for telling her the truth because when a person is in a relationship with another person, you need to relate. Right now, you are projecting an image that isn't the real you (aka, "a guy who has never done online masturbating") and that is who she believes you to be. By hiding your true self, you are essentially saying you don't believe she would love the real you if she knew the real you--your actions are saying you don't believe she can handle the truth. 

How often have you heard people say, "I could have taken the truth if I'd only known it--it was the deception that really broke my trust"? Thus I advocate for being transparent and letting her see through to the real you. Let her know you.

Now, that being said, if she had previously told you she would leave if you did webcam and you chose to do it anyway, while she is pregnant and everything, then the natural cost of making that choice is that you run the risk of losing her and your family. Look @tim981, you aren't dumb. You may have known going into this that she did not want you to do this kind of behavior and that's why it's eating you up inside--you actually did do a behavior where the potential natural consequence is breaking up your family--and frankly I think right now you are thinking of yourself and posturing so YOU don't lose...not thinking of her and/or protecting her or the kids. And I'm not saying that in a judgmental tone--just an honest one. Be honest with yourself...YOU don't want to lose her or your kids because they are a good thing (and now you get that). But everything has a cost and a benefit. The benefit of her and your kids is how good they are for you and with you...and the cost is to not do webcam.

The way to fix "doing something wrong" is not to cover it up and pretend it didn't happen. The way to fix "doing something wrong" is to stop doing it, be humble and admit what you've done, and start to do what is right. There's nothing wrong with making a bad choice...it's a mistake and everyone makes them. And nothing you can do now will "undo" this...you did the deed! So you've learned from it and stopped--good first step! The next step is to admit it to yourself and to her that what you did was wrong, and then to do the work to rebuild by doing the RIGHT thing. 

You can do this, and the timing may not be today, but sincerely the truth is almost always the best choice.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> People can offer their advise, but this should be done without trying to disparage people who have different viewpoints.


Thank you for supporting this...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, @Diana7, please get over yourself!
> 
> Who on this forum has advised him to lie to his wife? *Nobody. At all.* In fact, what you said in your comment, is, in itself, tantamount to a lie, because it is not a truthful statement.
> 
> People can offer their advise, but this should be done without trying to disparage people who have different viewpoints.


Have not most folks on this site said that lies of omission are still lies?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> I read a very interesting short story by Isaac Asimov. It wasn't science fiction it was a mystery story. It is called: _Truth To Tell_.
> 
> The story shows how something that appears on the face of it to be true can actually tell a lie.
> 
> ...


IMO, there's a couple significant flaws or even misrepresentations in this logic train.

First, stating the truth about what you have done, when it is a clear violation of marital expectations, is not a _minor _truth. I see that as major. 

Second, if she chooses to interpret that as him not loving her, that doesn't make it a lie but rather a misinterpretation on her part (assuming he does actually love her despite his action here). He didn't "tell her" he didn't love her. If she chooses to hear it that way, that's part of the consequences of his action. 

Lastly, there are different types of suffering. I'd much rather "suffer" from a painful truth than suffer ignorance, especially ignorance about the one with whom I'm supposed to be closest to.

Admittedly, I see things like this as more black and white than most.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As for me? I read the Gideon Bible in hotel rooms. And watch TV shows about steam trains, if I can find them.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> As for me? I read the Gideon Bible in hotel rooms. And watch TV shows about steam trains, if I can find them.


And when they're not on TV, I can always cue up the greatest steam train song ever, done in a way only the Kinks kan!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

sunsetmist said:


> *I see video chat (interactive, sexual with men and women) as worse than porn.* As above, it is a sin that will destroy the marriage if it continues. *How many times does he get to do it til it counts?* Y'all have acknowledged that this will hurt his wife (devastate) and may ruin his marriage, so you say DON'T TELL. With this philosophy, *how does one decide what counts and what does not*--when to tell and when to not?
> 
> Hey, for all we know, maybe his wife is doing the same thing--maybe not pregnant though. How many times in his life is he going to wonder if karma is slapping him in the face because of this past behavior? I have no answers, only questions.


From my perspective, he said he did it once and is consumed by guilt over it. He has said he will not do it again, I believe him. He also said that a counselor told him not to tell her. 

There was an interesting discussion a while back on sex dolls, sex robots and whether there are a masturbatory "toy" or having an affair. 

I have never viewed a webcam girl, but I have watched some porn. Even had a marriage counselor/sex therapist assign my wife and myself a video that sure looked like soft to moderate porn as part of the therapy in our sex starved marriage.

So from my perspective masturbation and porn (as long as it does not interfere with meeting each others sexual needs) is not a sin. Yes, I know that the Catholic Church technically views masturbation as a sin. 

Now as to the webcam girl thing, to the extent that it is interactive, is an interesting point. If he really was interacting with the webcam girl and having a very intimate interactive conversation and doing things she suggested to him, then I would agree with you it would be worse than porn. However, even in the most interactive video setting, it would still be a lot less than the "dry humping" that happened while slow dancing in my youth or the "twerking" that happens at some clubs where young people go; as there really isn't any physical contact. 

To me because of the lack of physical contact, or even proximity to the webcam girl, I see is as an addictive activity that is on the slippery slope to an affair. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. My advice was mostly based on his remorse, that it happened just once, that there was not physical contact, and that his counselor told him not to tell. YMMV


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Have not most folks on this site said that lies of omission are still lies?



Yes but it’s like with the bible...you can find a nice phrase to justify anything: you are also supposed to act in a considered, caring and unselfish manner. And ‘confessing’ could be considered as a selfish, burdening act.

Anyway...since neither me or my wife would consider this act a big deal, there wouldn’t be any point withholding this information. She may well laugh about it. I think she would be more concerned about the homosexual angle of it (while there’s nothing wrong with that, she would probably still be concerned).

It depends which aspect OP is most concerned about: if he hasn’t ‘fallen for anyone’, why does it matter...? The whole thing seems trivial to me and not worth bringing up: that’s the reason why I don’t think he should bother telling her. Not because I encourage him to ‘lie’. Some people have weird attitudes towards porn etc and there’s no need to traumatise them further. Men usually know what it means to them (nothing much, apart from a quick way to cum and fall asleep...) while women tend to build mountains out of mole hills with porn. So it’s just to save him the bother (sorry, I don’t mean it to sound derogatory; there are plenty of women who are ok with porn themselves).


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Yes but it’s like with the bible...you can find a nice phrase to justify anything: you are also supposed to act in a considered, caring and unselfish manner. And ‘confessing’ could be considered as a selfish, burdening act.
> 
> Anyway...since neither me or my wife would consider this act a big deal, there wouldn’t be any point withholding this information. She may well laugh about it. I think she would be more concerned about the homosexual angle of it (while there’s nothing wrong with that, she would probably still be concerned).
> 
> ...


It may be done selfishly to unburden, but that motivation doesn't change the fact that we should all know just who we're living with. 

Your porn example is very illustrative. If dude's hiding it, then he has not communicated that he's not getting what he need from his wife; something she should know, not for his selfishness, but for the overall health of the marriage. Now if she's okay with it, great... there's no problem. If she isn't, then it should be dealt with one way or another. Whether or not to make the proverbial mountain out of a molehill is her choice. If she chooses to do that while ignoring his needs or desires, he deserves to know that as well. There's no good that comes from keeping this in the shadows... it only perpetuates, and encourages, widening the distance between the two.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> It may be done selfishly to unburden, but that motivation doesn't change the fact that we should all know just who we're living with.
> 
> 
> 
> Your porn example is very illustrative. If dude's hiding it, then he has not communicated that he's not getting what he need from his wife; something she should know, not for his selfishness, but for the overall health of the marriage. Now if she's okay with it, great... there's no problem. If she isn't, then it should be dealt with one way or another. Whether or not to make the proverbial mountain out of a molehill is her choice. If she chooses to do that while ignoring his needs or desires, he deserves to know that as well. There's no good that comes from keeping this in the shadows... it only perpetuates, and encourages, widening the distance between the two.




But why so purist. I mean where do you stop with all the ‘openness’? Should it be a requirement to share the contents of the morning bowels with your spouse? (Ok, not quite the same...). But I don’t think it’s wrong to keep certain things to yourself, especially the ones that don’t have any impact on anything much (and it’s questionable whether that one time when he was away showing his chest to the www, will have any lasting impact on anything). 

To me, the risks that she is never going to stop having mindmovies about this, outweigh the benefits. It none of us know the whole situation so OP will just have to decide whatever it is he is going to do.

It reminds me a bit on JustTheWife’s thread...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> But why so purist. I mean where do you stop with all the ‘openness’? Should it be a requirement to share the contents of the morning bowels with your spouse? (Ok, not quite the same...). But I don’t think it’s wrong to keep certain things to yourself, especially the ones that don’t have any impact on anything much (and it’s questionable whether that one time when he was away showing his chest to the www, will have any lasting impact on anything).
> 
> To me, the risks that she is never going to stop having mindmovies about this, outweigh the benefits. It none of us know the whole situation so OP will just have to decide whatever it is he is going to do.
> 
> ...


That's the whole point though. People are quick to hide behind the "it doesn't mean anything" excuse when that's often not the case. Of course not everything need be shared. But when its something that does affect the marriage, it needs to be shared. The why and how often of porn use varies from person to person as does ho much it may affect their relationship. 

It's hard for me to conceive of a scenario where tapping into a live webcam isn't indicative of something deeper. I could be wrong about this; as you say, we don't know the whole story, only the OP does, but the OP needs to look at this with unflinching honesty and a truly introspective and critical eye. It's just too easy to blow off bad behavior as "it really doesn't mean anything." Men have been doing that with adultery since the beginning of monogamy. "Honey, it was just sex! It didn't _mean _anything." And while a webcam dalliance may not rise to the level of a PA, the same logic may still apply. As a minimum, it needs to be considered.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> But why so purist. I mean where do you stop with all the ‘openness’? Should it be a requirement to share the contents of the morning bowels with your spouse?


In the case presented here, he should engage in some honest introspection as to why he did something that would cause him to be racked with guilt. He has crossed some line within himself that made him think he might need to confess this sin. Presumably, bowel movements don't create this kind of guilt, so it wouldn't need to be examined in the same way. 

A lot will depend on the couple, culture, religion, etc. as to what is appropriate or not. In some strict religions, women need to be covered up at all times in public. Or maybe alcohol or caffeine is not allowed. We can have academic discussions as to whether or not those things are moral, but within the bounds of that religion it is a sin. So if a guy has a cup of coffee, it might not be seen objectively as a moral failing, but his spouse might see it as a sin. He might also feel the same if it goes against his religious teachings.

So in a case like this thread, I feel it's less important to discuss if webcam sex is adultery and more important to find out why he feels so guilty about it. And if it made him feel this guilty, why did he do it in the first place? Why wasn't his conscious telling him beforehand he shouldn't do it?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> That's the whole point though. People are quick to hide behind the "it doesn't mean anything" excuse when that's often not the case. Of course not everything need be shared. But when its something that does affect the marriage, it needs to be shared. The why and how often of porn use varies from person to person as does ho much it may affect their relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> It's hard for me to conceive of a scenario where tapping into a live webcam isn't indicative of something deeper. I could be wrong about this; as you say, we don't know the whole story, only the OP does, but the OP needs to look at this with unflinching honesty and a truly introspective and critical eye. It's just too easy to blow off bad behavior as "it really doesn't mean anything." Men have been doing that with adultery since the beginning of monogamy. "Honey, it was just sex! It didn't _mean _anything." And while a webcam dalliance may not rise to the level of a PA, the same logic may still apply. As a minimum, it needs to be considered.



Yes of course. As can thoughts: do you share that you sometimes secretly wonder what a tight ass in jeans would look like without them?
If not, why not? Ok, maybe you don’t wonder. But sometimes these thoughts are involuntary. And as soon as I take in the person to whom the ass is attached to, I usually stop wondering straight away. I really don’t think majority of women can relate to these...impulsive thoughts or mindset (though it has been shown that some women do sometimes wonder what random people’s ****s look like...so the world is full of very diverse people...which is a good thing). But I don’t know what his wife is like.

The webcam thing is more than ‘thoughts’ obviously but about same as just watching porn, in my mind anyway. It may have (and is likely) to have a different meaning to the OP, as different people have different kinks (for me, it’s mainly the exhibitionist element that I would find exciting however it’s a pretty poor tool to achieve this kick; for others, they may enjoy voyerism (same)). But to me, the line is crossed when you actually become inretested in the person on the other side, start arranging dates, planning escapes from your spouse etc. It’s not a clear line (provably more of a spectrum), but I think it’s fairly clear what things can realistically threaten a marriage, and what things are just a passtime or an ‘end to its means’).

The mistress/casual sex on the side: yeah, for some people it’s also not a deal breaker; I see this more as a definitive ‘crossed line’. But then again some women need to be in full control of their husband’s thoughts and orgasms at all times, so I find that also extreme...Everyone needs to find their ‘norms’, me thinks.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

wilson said:


> So in a case like this thread, I feel it's less important to discuss if webcam sex is adultery and more important to find out why he feels so guilty about it. And if it made him feel this guilty, why did he do it in the first place? Why wasn't his conscious telling him beforehand he shouldn't do it?



Yes, that could be an interesting discussion. I worry the op may have left the building though.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

I'm still here! Thanks for all of the posts folks. Will respond more tomorrow. I needed a day or so away from the forum as I was getting a bit obsessed with cheeking for posts! I still haven't said anything.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm for talking to your spouse about it.

Sex is definitely something she should have input on and you basically had cyber sex with other people.

Your counselor knows you and your case better but honesty, ownership, remorse and redemption are more my flavor.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> Yes but it’s like with the bible...you can find a nice phrase to justify anything: you are also supposed to act in a considered, caring and unselfish manner. And ‘confessing’ could be considered as a selfish, burdening act.
> 
> Anyway...since neither me or my wife would consider this act a big deal, there wouldn’t be any point withholding this information. She may well laugh about it. I think she would be more concerned about the homosexual angle of it (while there’s nothing wrong with that, she would probably still be concerned).
> 
> ...


Many on this site have said that they would far rather know the truth than be left in ignorance. I would hate the sort of marriage when there is deception and covering things up. 
Yes some of us don't watch porn, neither do our spouses, that's not 'weird', its wanting to keep sex for each other and no one else, but either way, I would not see a husband telling his wife what he had done as in anyway unselfish at all, but the right and honest thing to do. Lies are always condemned in the Bible, as is deception. 
It will eat at him if he didn't, and eventually it would affect the marriage in a negative way. I for one am glad that he has a strong conscience, it shows that he has good values. 

Porn isn't a mole hill at all, its a betrayal of the vows to be faithful. We would both see what this man had done as a big thing, and would both want to be honest about it and confess to the other. Secrets have no place in marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I'm for talking to your spouse about it.
> 
> Sex is definitely something she should have input on and you basically had cyber sex with other people.
> 
> Your counselor knows you and your case better but honesty, ownership, remorse and redemption are more my flavor.


Yes and far more likely to help him and relieve his depression than not telling. Guilt and deception wont help someone with depression at all.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I cant think of anything good that will come of telling her except easing your own guilt. I really cant imagine someone divorcing someone over something that trivial, but nevertheless it will just add unneeded stress to your marriage. 

I kind of agree with your MC that if you actually had cheated, I would certainly favor you coming clean, but not really in this particular instance.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

You sinned and life isn't perfect. We all have our dirty secrets. Ideally you could talk this over with your spouse and not have it ruin your relationship but not all relationships are like this. So you have to do what you have to do to keep your relationship. It sounds like there is no way to discover any of this so it could have just as easily never happened. Never happened.

Ideally you wouldn't have done this. It was very wrong. Ideally you wouldn't have to live with this guilt. Ideally you wouldn't have disrespected your spouse and your relationship. But you messed up. Now you need to be an adult and do what you have to do to preserve your relationship. It's a nice idea to confess it all to her but relationships are hard enough and for many, this would be a huge problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Many on this site have said that they would far rather know the truth than be left in ignorance. I would hate the sort of marriage when there is deception and covering things up.
> Yes some of us don't watch porn, neither do our spouses, that's not 'weird', its wanting to keep sex for each other and no one else, but either way, I would not see a husband telling his wife what he had done as in anyway unselfish at all, but the right and honest thing to do. Lies are always condemned in the Bible, as is deception.
> It will eat at him if he didn't, and eventually it would affect the marriage in a negative way. I for one am glad that he has a strong conscience, it shows that he has good values.
> 
> Porn isn't a mole hill at all, its a betrayal of the vows to be faithful. We would both see what this man had done as a big thing, and would both want to be honest about it and confess to the other. Secrets have no place in marriage.


 @Diana7 I think I'd rather have lived in blissful ignorance, to be perfectly honest. But that option wasn't given to me.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Has Tim said he was religious? If not, I don’t see why anyone would say he sinned. I mean, say it all you want, but you are just wasting your finger strength cause he may not care what you think.

Regarding the website. Clearly it worked for you and you had an interest level. The problem is Pandora’s box and once you open the lid, it’s often though to go back. Your best bet is to be honest, but also try to engage rather than be shamed. If she doesn’t care about porn and you are often away, then this could be a continuation of that. 

“Baby, when I was away I really needed to relieve some stress and I found myself in this weird chat thing. I didn’t talk to anyone, cause I have no interest in being a part of it, but I was really turned on by watching them do it live. And I want to do it with you.”


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> That's the whole point though. People are quick to hide behind the "it doesn't mean anything" excuse when that's often not the case. Of course not everything need be shared. But when its something that does affect the marriage, it needs to be shared. The why and how often of porn use varies from person to person as does ho much it may affect their relationship.
> 
> It's hard for me to conceive of a scenario where tapping into a live webcam isn't indicative of something deeper. I could be wrong about this; as you say, we don't know the whole story, only the OP does, but the OP needs to look at this with unflinching honesty and a truly introspective and critical eye. It's just too easy to blow off bad behavior as "it really doesn't mean anything." Men have been doing that with adultery since the beginning of monogamy. "Honey, it was just sex! It didn't _mean _anything." And while a webcam dalliance may not rise to the level of a PA, the same logic may still apply. As a minimum, it needs to be considered.


I really can't give you any deep reason for why I did this other then being horny in a hotel room after a few beers/ I know that sounds awful but that is what happened. For some reason my brains were in my underpants!


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

wilson said:


> In the case presented here, he should engage in some honest introspection as to why he did something that would cause him to be racked with guilt. He has crossed some line within himself that made him think he might need to confess this sin. Presumably, bowel movements don't create this kind of guilt, so it wouldn't need to be examined in the same way.
> 
> A lot will depend on the couple, culture, religion, etc. as to what is appropriate or not. In some strict religions, women need to be covered up at all times in public. Or maybe alcohol or caffeine is not allowed. We can have academic discussions as to whether or not those things are moral, but within the bounds of that religion it is a sin. So if a guy has a cup of coffee, it might not be seen objectively as a moral failing, but his spouse might see it as a sin. He might also feel the same if it goes against his religious teachings.
> 
> So in a case like this thread, I feel it's less important to discuss if webcam sex is adultery and more important to find out why he feels so guilty about it. And if it made him feel this guilty, why did he do it in the first place? Why wasn't his conscious telling him beforehand he shouldn't do it?


I think that the guilt comes from the fact that I did something that I know my wife would not be happy with. I disrespected her and broker her trust. I allowed lust to take over my senses. It's also very our of character for me. I am not even a particularly heavy porn user.


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## tim981 (Jan 1, 2019)

Update! 

I still haven't told her and I have decided that I am not going to. I know that this divides opinion but the reality is that my disclousre would do nothing other than transfer my angst to her and I just can't do that. It would change our marriage irreparably I think, and I also have to think about the impact it would have on family life. I am going to focus on the reasons why I made such a terrible decision and make sure that I am stronger person in future. I can't change what I did, but I can make sure that I learn from the mistake. 

I spoke to my dad about it - might sound weird but we have a very close relationship and I can talk to him about anything. He agreed that telling her would do more harm than good. He is of a different generation and didn't really see how the chatroom stuff was cheating, despite my concerns that it is. 

So here I am... just gotta get on with life now and try and put this behind me. I know that I will never succumb to this sort of thing again. The stress it has caused has massively outweighed the thrill!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tim981 said:


> Update!
> 
> I still haven't told her and I have decided that I am not going to. I know that this divides opinion but the reality is that my disclousre would do nothing other than transfer my angst to her and I just can't do that. It would change our marriage irreparably I think, and I also have to think about the impact it would have on family life. I am going to focus on the reasons why I made such a terrible decision and make sure that I am stronger person in future. I can't change what I did, but I can make sure that I learn from the mistake.
> 
> ...


I am glad you have made a decision. 

On the whole, I think you made the best decision under the circumstances that you are in.

You are correct. Guilt transfer from you to your wife would not be conducive to your marriage, or helpful to your wife.

And folks, if anyone wants to go all "full on religion-based comments" on what Tim did or what he should do, please feel welcome to express such opinions on those topics in the appropriate forum within TAM.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Keeping a secret from your wife about something you know would upset her is one step on the edge of a slippery slope.

IMO you should tell her what you did and how you felt about it. Her knowledge about it will help keep you from going back there again, when (not if...but when) tempted.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

tim981 said:


> Update!
> 
> I still haven't told her and I have decided that I am not going to.


Wise decision. She sounds like the type who's extremely tight-assed and would turn this into something so much more than it actually *was*. I couldn't imagine having to deal with someone so rigid. Good luck to you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> My suggestion is find a Catholic priest and confess to him


He likely could have done that while on the site......


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ordinarily I would say don't keep secrets and tell her, however in this case it seems more like porn use than anything else. What are her views on porn? I think you have done the right thing because now you know what you are capable of and need to hold yourself accountable for the future.
Without disclosing the use of the chat room, you could explain to her about your natural sexual urges and ask her to help you with that such as having phone sex when you are away, etc. Telling her you need her to keep you on the straight and narrow and being real about your temptations are what you should be sharing with her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why might a man away from home use cam girl sites and/or porn when he needed some release?

If he thinks about his wife and pleasures himself that might engender feelings of guilt that he was just 'using' his wife for his pleasure.

So, better -in that scenario- to use images from women who are fully aware what some randy bloke will be doing when they look at their image?

Such guilt could be obviated by talking about what the husband/boyfriend can do whilst away and, as has been pointed out, having phone sex, etc.


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