# Dating After Divorce



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Share with me the tips you have learned about dating since your divorce. I am in my mid 50's, was with my ex for 27 years, and have been on my own now for just over a year. I have been actively dating for 8 months now. Have run into all kinds of situations good and bad. I am very much enjoying dating, more now than I have have before and I think that is due to my maturity and self-confidence levels vs when I was in my 20's. It sure is new to me though with all the online dating sites, so much out there on the internet nowadays. Sometimes it's hard to know what is genuine and what is not.

I was asked on my first date 9 months ago. The man asked me to Golden Corral which ended up a very long thread here on TAM. Four months after he asked me out he posted pictures of himself and his wife getting married which means that at the time he asked me out he was planning his wedding. 

The problem I have ran into is that I am not attracted to the guys that seem to like me and the men that like me either seem to want me to go to bed with them or they are not interested at all. With the exception of one man, I have not seen any of these men more than twice.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My tip would be to get involved in activities you enjoy. Very often you will find the kind of man who shares your interests.

While I had good experiences with online dating (and met Odo through it) I would more strongly suggest you just get involved with volunteer groups, organizations, and other commiittes that might have occasional social nights.

You can meet some fun men at your local contra dance (and it's good to just get out).

Never worry about your age. If my mom can date and remarry at 62, you can find happiness again.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

So my friend, who just got married at 50 (she'd never been married before but engaged twice), scared the ever living crap out of me when she mentioned the dating scene and what the men here may "expect." She even, jokingly, told me to rewatch Sex and the City because then you can compare notes and check off encounters like the ones they experienced. She did it all, online dating on multiple sites, speed dating, maybe not a matchmaker but her stories should probably be in a book somewhere. She met her husband at her previous company after they got drunk at a holiday party so ymmv. 

Thankfully, I'm too new into the separation and divorce process to even consider it, but it does leave me a bit frightened as I try to smash the snooze button on my biological clock (coworkers bringing their babies in has NOT been helping). 

I don't have any personal anecdotes or insights to give you. I never really dated out before marriage either (37) so I'm building up the bogeyman of the dating world even more so.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm a 53 year old man. I am currently still married but do wonder what may lay ahead for me if I come home and find some papers sitting on the counter for me to sign. 

I think the challenge of finding someone you are attracted to who also likes you is a challenge that never truly goes away. That was an issue when my friends and I were in our teens and I don't really see that changing now in my 50s. I think that is just part of being human and why it always feels like hitting the jackpot when two people click.

In regards to going to bed - yeah, I would unapologetically want to pursue a life of passion and intimacy. I would not be expecting anyone I just met to want to jump into bed after introductions, but if it becomes apparent that someone was not sexually attracted to me at or just simply was not a sexual person and was looking for platonic companionship, I would wish them well on their journey and I would continue my search as well. 

I may be in my early 50s and I may be shaved bald, but I am still alive and virile and I can still bring the thunder and I would make no bones (no pun intended) about the fact that I would be looking for a full-service relationship that included a healthy and active love and sex life as a critical component. 

I'm not a player or someone out to rack up as many notches on my bed post as possible - but I would make no bones or apologies that a healthy and active sex life would be a fundamental requirement for me to be in an ongoing relationship with someone.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now as far as any tips or pointers, take this with a grain of salt as I am not currently single or dating, but I do believe there are some things in this world that never change. 

There are new technologies such as online dating and dating apps on phones and hook up sites, swinger sites, fetish site, Christian sites, asexual sites, Farmers only sites, introvert sites, extrovert sites, fitness/bodybuilder sites, fat couch potato sites and blah blah blah and that is all awesome and great. 

But I think at the end of the day, the person that we end up clicking with best and the one that ends up being 'the one', is the one that we meet through mutual friends and family and through mutual interests and activities. 

The online dating world is getting down so specific that there are probably toe-sucking fetish websites that people can meet each other on. But I'd still bet my last dollar that the person you hit it off with and end up riding off into the sunset together with is going to be introduced to you by a trusted mutual friend or relative that knows each of you well and is able to stand up and advocate for each of you and tell each of you that they think you would be a good match. 

A trusted friend or relative usually carries so much weight, that if your friend Cindy or Tammy or Sue to you that she knows this guy that is good looking, successful, kind, resourceful and is a good and trustworthy person, that would carry more weight that any pictures of abdominal six-packs and biceps and corvettes on any online dating site. 

So my tip is to simply discuss what you are hoping for with friends and relatives and associates that you trust and that know you well. My guess is that one of them will have someone in mind.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.. and very closely related to that is the shared interest and activities mentioned above. 

If you get involved with an activity that you have a passion about and get to know people and network, your going to come across someone that shares the same interests and passions and things will click.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I always enjoyed dating back when I was younger so it wasn't that scary for me to get back into. There's just something magical about meeting new people and getting to enjoy that burst of adrenalin when you first approach a potential partner. Dating has changed a lot though over the past 20 years. It seems that there has been a major power shift where I feel like women have to compete more for a decent guy, unlike back when they were in their 20's and the guys were competing for them. I tried OLD a bit and had success but overall didn't like it. It is just too much effort and I don't like that the ratio of men to women is not skewed in my favor, unlike in real life. In real life I can call up a female friend if I want a booty call, or have a mutual friend set me up with a date which requires minimal effort on my part. Plus single women are so flirty that you can pretty much find someone to date within a week of looking by just being chatty with women that you see around (e.g. bank, grocery store, walking the dog, my kids sporting events, etc.). 

Now your issue of not wanting to sleep with the guys is probably because you just don't like them enough to put that on the table. Many women if they like a guy will have sex on the first or second date, despite people hearing that the third date is where it happens. If a woman doesn't want to be sexually involved with me I just usually take it as a sign she doesn't have a high enough interest level and I'll stop seeing her (I can tell this through non-verbal communication on the first date without having to have an awkward discussion or good night kiss). I've actually not had the experience of dating post-divorce with a woman ever communicating that sex will wait until she knows me better, rather, usually we both just go with the flow and see where it takes us. 

What I've found is that I have gained a ton of confidence and learned to be direct since my previous single life, which has made dating fun and exciting. I also am better able to judge interest levels, chemistry, and long term compatibility, and don't try to force relationships into a direction that they are not naturally meant for. So women that I have chemistry with but not compatibility, I'll date casually. Women I have compatibility with but not chemistry, I won't date. I haven't yet found someone that I have long term compatibility and chemistry with that has a high level of mutual interest in dating, but that doesn't matter to me since I am not in any rush for a LTR.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As I've so painstakingly conveyed on other threads, I would welcome dating in a bird dog second!

My problem is that while I'm a gregarious guy around groups or crowds, that all turns to silly putty when I see an attractive lady who piques my interest. When faced with going mano y mano with her, my mind runs fearful thoughts of :


Am I good enough for her?
Is she good enough for me?
Will she think I'm coming on to her?
Is she ultra-intelligent?
Is she wealthy and totally out of my league?
Is she a social sick-in-the-mud?
Am I not attractive enough for her?
 Will she see me as a hick of some kind?
 Does she have a history of cheating?

All of these questions and more have me being so damned ultra-fearful of even approaching them! Mind you, speaking to a crowd or group of women doesn't phase me in the least ~ but to speak to an attractive woman who I do not know ~ then it's close to panic time!

And until I successfully deal with these demons, I cannot see much success coming in that regard!

But I cannot applaud all of you enough who have successfully dated and then entered into new and meaningful relationships in the post-divorce world, and I cannot help but wonder how it is that you pulled it off! My hat is off to you!*


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Arb, why is #4 a concern?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Arb, if you can change your mindset from a fearful/insecure one to one where you are asking "is she good enough for me to spend my time with" you'll go a lot further. Trust me on this, but you have the upper hand being intelligent and successful so regardless of your insecurities many women will cherish the opportunity to get to know you. I don't worry too much about your list of questions because dating is like a prolonged job interview and even people that aren't right for the position can still enrich your life by getting to know them, even if it is just for a brief period.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that many people jump far too quickly into dating again. Especially after a long marriage, It was 4 years before I began to think about meeting anyone else. I then signed up to a christian dating site, chatted to many men over a 2 years period, but met only 4.The 4th was my now husband of 12 years.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

growing_weary said:


> Arb, why is #4 a concern?


*I'd have to say that it's more of an intimidation factor, I'm afraid!*


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Tip: Be picky. Dont settle on one man too quickly. I jumped into dating online and I was dating a couple of men. I ended up liking one man very quickly and we saw each other every opportunity. We have been dating 2.5 years now. He is a really good guy. I have school aged kids and he is older (retirement ready and not wanting to do the kid thing again). I saw this being an issue early on but we got along so great, I figured it would work itself out. I wasnt looking for more than monogamy at that point anyway. 

Well of course in March it will be three years, nothing has changed. We are now talking about ending the relationship. Not because its bad. Its actually very good the weekends I dont have kids, but I really want a life long companion and someone who wants to be involved with my kids. Not a dad. They have one of those already but involved. 

I think if I had kept dating several men instead of committing to him too soon, I might have met someone who was a better fit for me than him. It would have been easier before I got emotionally invested to do the right thing. Now its going to be very difficult and hurtful for both of us.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

First off I agree with what Satya said in her post, which is to just get involved in things that you like and perhaps try some things you might enjoy as well. If you happen to meet someone at one of these events, you start off with something in common so you are already ahead of the curve.
Second off I agree with Bananapeel, I have been divorced for three years. I have met some real doozies out there. But I have learned something from everyone of them. As for OLD, my opinion morphed from just people wanting to meet the opposite sex to desperate people looking to meet anyone. I know that is not always the case or maybe not even the case half the time, but it became my perception over time. It might be skewed by the women I met so take it with a grain of salt.
Finally I think one of the things that really gets in the way of finding a real relationship is the idea of sex as the holy grail. I say that as a man who loves sex BTW. But I think many men and women place way to much emphasis on the act itself. If that is what you are chasing, you can certainly find it with no problems. However if you are looking for more I would say you might be making it way more important than it need be. As a 50+ year old man, I am meeting 50+ year old women. We all have been around the block a few times. Sleeping with some one is not the end of the world. It doesn't mean you have to get married. It doesn't mean you are going to get STDs, It is simply a physical act. We all know that sex is not the end all be all, but it is a critical part of a relationship and how anyone can think that abstaining will somehow lead to a better one is beyond me. Especially at our age.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> Share with me the tips you have learned about dating since your divorce. I am in my mid 50's, was with my ex for 27 years, and have been on my own now for just over a year. I have been actively dating for 8 months now. Have run into all kinds of situations good and bad. I am very much enjoying dating, more now than I have have before and I think that is due to my maturity and self-confidence levels vs when I was in my 20's. It sure is new to me though with all the online dating sites, so much out there on the internet nowadays. Sometimes it's hard to know what is genuine and what is not.
> 
> I was asked on my first date 9 months ago. The man asked me to Golden Corral which ended up a very long thread here on TAM. Four months after he asked me out he posted pictures of himself and his wife getting married *which means that at the time he asked me out he was planning his wedding.
> *
> The problem I have ran into is that I am not attracted to the guys that seem to like me and the men that like me either seem to want me to go to bed with them or they are not interested at all. With the exception of one man, I have not seen any of these men more than twice.


how do you know this? I had an x who married 3 months after we broke up. She wasn’t cheating or seeing him behind my back. Some people just move (stupidly) fast


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I will be honest I think dating younger favors women and older favors men. You do have a bit of a struggle but hey you only have to be right once and I am sure you will find someone. My tips are

1 first and foremost be someone you would want to date. That means new clothes, new open mindedness maybe lose weight and get healthy. Have activities you enjoy and have a direction in your life. Maybe you have these, if not work on them and you will become more appealing

2 date many and slow. Dates are just dates. They don’t mean anything other than meeting someone new for the first time. Most of them will not go well or your will never see them again. That’s fine again you only have to be right once

3 nothing is in stone till it is discussed. My experience this effects women more than men but the assumption we are more than we are comes into play. You are not in a relationship until it is discussed and agreed upon. You are not committed until discussed and agree upon. Don’t assume anything

4 figure out what your boundrys are and stick to them. You don’t want to have sex to early on no problem but stick to it. Many will be turned off from dating you because of this and some will love you for it but all will/should respect your commitment to your boundry. When they won’t is when you waffle from it.

5. If possible get a male friend and talk to him about dating and setting up a profile. One of the best things I did while dating was have a female friend go through my profile and fix it. Men and women thing differently and getting an inside perspective is a huge edge

Hope some of them help


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> Dating has changed a lot though over the past 20 years. It seems that there has been a major power shift where I feel like women have to compete more for a decent guy, unlike back when they were in their 20's and the guys were competing for them.
> 
> What I've found is that I have gained a ton of confidence and learned to be direct since my previous single life, which has made dating fun and exciting. I also am better able to judge interest levels, chemistry, and long term compatibility, and don't try to force relationships into a direction that they are not naturally meant for. So women that I have chemistry with but not compatibility, I'll date casually. Women I have compatibility with but not chemistry, I won't date. I haven't yet found someone that I have long term compatibility and chemistry with that has a high level of mutual interest in dating, but that doesn't matter to me since I am not in any rush for a LTR.


Agreed, I see and feel the shift you are talking about....lots of men in their 50's out there who have never been married or have been married once for a year. Went out with a couple of them but they have no clue how to have a relationship.

I usually know within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether I will see them again. I have met men I was attracted to physically but that was all it was, conversation lacking. I have dated men I could barely get thru the date with because they had some weird mannerism. Several I have talked to on the phone that never made it to a date....had a conversation with a male dancer (in his younger days), very interesting to hear about his life and very attractive but no way would I go on a date with the guy. I connected intellectually with a couple of the men, one I consider more of a friend but when he tells me that he is trying to figure out a way to kiss me I know he wants more than friendship. Had another guy who was very hands off but sweet that I saw going nowhere as there was no chemistry. There's been a couple men I actually had chemistry with...one was crushing as I gave myself to him after being cautious....he poured it on how much he cared for me only to be told he knows himself well enough that he knows he was not relationship material. I am dating someone right now, removed my profile from the dating sites. He seems again very taken with me and I enjoy his company. He is very open and fun to be with. I told him I would not hide him from my family and it was important to me that I am not a secret to the people close to him. So I too am learning, trying to just enjoy my time with these men. Getting to know them has been interesting. I have found that I intimidate some men, a few of them I went out with told me they were nervous and I think that creates a barrier. So I feel what you are saying here...we have different connections with each person.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *I'd have to say that it's more of an intimidation factor, I'm afraid!*


It would allow her to deduce the value in you more quickly...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I think that many people jump far too quickly into dating again. Especially after a long marriage, It was 4 years before I began to think about meeting anyone else. I then signed up to a christian dating site, chatted to many men over a 2 years period, but met only 4.The 4th was my now husband of 12 years.


Everyone is different and every situation is different. I was married 24 years but the marriage was rough, we ended up as roommates co-existing for the last 5 years of the marriage. We slept in separate bedrooms, took separate trips. I was in counseling those 5 years. There was nothing left to the marriage or the connection between us by the time I left. I left without bitter feelings towards him, more relief than anything. I knew I had given it my all, I had waited until all the kids were raised. I never cheated on the man but I wanted to feel love and be loved and knew that the marriage was not going to bring that so in order to find that once again I had to leave. I went thru a time of processing the past once I left and cannot say i have been lonely but I have missed certain aspects that go along with a long-term relationship.

I started dating 5 months after I left, scared at first. So much has changed in the dating world. I have been out with 15 guys and only two made it to a third date, just a lack of connection in some way. I find men are physically attracted to me but I think many have a hard time seeing me for the person I am and when it become apparent they are focused on beauty solely the connection is lost for me.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bkyln309 said:


> Tip: Be picky. Dont settle on one man too quickly. I jumped into dating online and I was dating a couple of men. I ended up liking one man very quickly and we saw each other every opportunity. We have been dating 2.5 years now. He is a really good guy. I have school aged kids and he is older (retirement ready and not wanting to do the kid thing again). I saw this being an issue early on but we got along so great, I figured it would work itself out. I wasnt looking for more than monogamy at that point anyway.
> 
> Well of course in March it will be three years, nothing has changed. We are now talking about ending the relationship. Not because its bad. Its actually very good the weekends I dont have kids, but I really want a life long companion and someone who wants to be involved with my kids. Not a dad. They have one of those already but involved.
> 
> I think if I had kept dating several men instead of committing to him too soon, I might have met someone who was a better fit for me than him. It would have been easier before I got emotionally invested to do the right thing. Now its going to be very difficult and hurtful for both of us.


I was doing the multi-dating, almost felt like a part-time job! I would guess I have had over 200 online messages and of those maybe 30 guys have texted with me, and then maybe of those 20+ I have talked to, and 15 I actually dated. Lots of very interesting men, some very attractive men out there in their 50's. I have really enjoyed all the attention, my phone going off with 5 men texting me sweet messages and pictures. It's alot to keep up with though. Lots to weed thru and figure out and I find initially the relating is so surface. You see someone for a couple hours over dinner and conversation but it really does not give you a glimpse of who he is in his every day life. Of the 15 men I dated, I saw one man for 7 months and while we would talk for hours and I am talking literally hours and I felt I knew his family and everything about his profession, I can say i still did not see who this man was and how he functioned on a daily basis as we spent little time doing anything but talking. I am trying to learn from that and taking a different approach now. I have to get to know a man for who he is and how he functions on a daily basis.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> how do you know this? I had an x who married 3 months after we broke up. She wasn’t cheating or seeing him behind my back. Some people just move (stupidly) fast


One of the things he told me was that he was trying to watch his diet, and if that was the case a buffet was the wrong choice, because he had planned a trip this summer and was planning on getting into a bathing suit. His wedding pic which my friend sent me was by the water and she told me he posted about his travels to the beach on his honeymoon. Didn't take me long to connect the dots!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I suppose for me it was a bit different because I was only interested in a man who wanted to eventually get married and wasn't interested in casual sex, so many sites, especially those like Tinder, would be useless. Also on Christian sites there are many more women than men, which gets worse as you get older, so women in general get far less interest than men. Having said that, I got to know some really nice men there, some as friends, and a few I met, and then met my now husband and knew within a week that he was the one I wanted to marry. 9 months later we were married.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I suppose for me it was a bit different because I was only interested in a man who wanted to eventually get married and wasn't interested in casual sex, so many sites, especially those like Tinder, would be useless. Also on Christian sites there are many more women than men, which gets worse as you get older, so women in general get far less interest than men. Having said that, I got to know some really nice men there, some as friends, and a few I met, and then met my now husband and knew within a week that he was the one I wanted to marry. 9 months later we were married.


I hear ya, not interested in solely physical or sexual relationship either and I stay clear of the men I feel want just that. Congrats to you. I did a free trial of one of the Christian sites but didn't stay. Have not even looked at Tinder, heard the horror stories.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I hear ya, not interested in solely physical or sexual relationship either and I stay clear of the men I feel want just that. Congrats to you. I did a free trial of one of the Christian sites but didn't stay. Have not even looked at Tinder, heard the horror stories.


I was on 2 or 3 different Christians sites on and off for 2 years. I did try secular sites briefly but I knew that most men there would expect sex after a few dates or even sooner, so it was a waste of time really. I wanted a Christian husband anyway so I stayed with the Christian sites. 
Its not easy for us in the UK to meet other Christians. Most churches aren't that big and only 5% go to church here, so a lot of Christians use the internet. I know about 10 couples who met this way.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Dating after divorce was lots of fun, OK it is hard to find a well kept man in his 50's but there are some out there. As long as you have a thick skin then OLD can be a blast, just stay safe.

I multi dated for a year then met MrH and we became exclusive very quickly. Before him I met some interesting men, no one that was LTR material but nice guys all the same. Honestly it was luck more than anything, I was not looking to re partner but met my match.

Have fun


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