# need male perspective



## Hopeandlove (Mar 26, 2012)

I just joined this site in an effort to reach out for help and perhaps not feel so alone - posting here in order to get a male perspective....I am strongly considering leaving my marriage. Long story (as short as I can make it) - We met in Alcoholics Anonymous (both of us were new to recovery and not exactly the healthiest people at the time). We managed to stay together, stay sober and grew to enjoy being a part of the fellowship of recovery and principles of honesty and helping others. We moved in together and ended up having a (surprise!) baby 3 years into the relationship. She is the light and miracle of our lives - we married and I always had said I wanted 2 OR 3 kids but he said he could see no more than 2 kids. I said I could work with that. I always told him - even before we got married, that it was EXTREMELY important to me that our daughter have a sibling and I wanted at least one more child.

Well, fast forward a few years....after we got married he promptly stopped going to AA (did not drink - just no meetings/friends). He became more isolated, got hooked on websites having to do with doom and survival, and started saying he did not see us having another child. I kept at it telling him the reasons it would be great and he always gave me hope saying "I'm just scared - I know how important it is to you, I like the idea of trying for another and our girl having a sibling". I tried not to pressure, bringing it up once a year since I turned 35....then 36...then 37....We had a problem during that time when he had an online affair with some chick he met on his survival website. He even took my daughter and I camping with her and her husband under the guise of "meeting new friends". When I found out about this, I confronted him and told him if he wanted to save our marriage he would need to come to counseling and do some serious changing. We went to a few sessions which helped (he insists nothing happened with her - i do believe him), and started to move on. Although I had hoped he would go back to aa meetings, he did not and still stayed pretty isolated/dry. He did become more involved in our family life and we started the discussion of another child again. I said - look, I'm now 38, we don't have much time left- he said okay - let's do it.

So, I went off my anti-depressants(2 months of horrible withdrawals) started taking prenatals, told all my friends we were going to start trying....and BAM - he tells me he changed his mind....he wants to nix the idea and well, sorry. I am devastated. He now wants to focus on his new obsession - martial arts. I have slowly watched him become more and more selfish as time has gone on and I have played the role of supportive wife - taking an interest in all of his dreams and hobbies and the one thing I have always dreamed of and he has given me hope for has been taken away. Worse yet, I am now too old to even consider trying to start a family with someone new - I really wouldn't want to if we divorced...I would want to just focus on me and my daughter. I am so mad at him for giving me hope during the last of my child-bearing years and now he expects me to just take it? I am so fed up and have decided I need to get OUT. I am just scared and do not know what or how to do this. He has NO CLUE...he thinks I'll just get over it and move on. WE said when we got married we would make growing in sobriety our main priority and he just stopped as soon as the ring was on the finger. Am I being too selfish for saying "this is it"? I want to do what is best for our daughter who is now 6....I would be willing to work on things if he started working on himself again.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Did he give a reason why he had this change of heart? 

Do you love him?

Is he a good father?

Before you seriously consider leaving him I think you should have a talk with him about this. You need to tell him just how important having a second child is to you.

What I'm also unclear on (sorry about all the questions), is what would be gained by leaving him? Your daughter would then grow up in a broken family, and likely still not have a sibling (unless you did something like artificial insemination on your own).

One thing I think you need to ask yourself is what's best for you and your daughter? Having a father or a sibling?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, you really need to let him know that this is likely to lead to an end of the marriage. 

I don't think a child loses a father by divorce, so I don't see this the same way as a previous poster. I also believe that having a sibling is very important, and that it is unlikely you will be able to get past the resentment of him changing his mind like this, so that divorce becomes your only option. Make sure he understands that. Of course, if he is disengaged as father of one, he will be equally disengaged as father of 2, so don't assume his agreement will change any of the rest of it, either. 

Remember that adoption is always an option, too. I have bio and adopted kids--it's no different. Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## Hopeandlove (Mar 26, 2012)

Thanks for responding....I have told him just how important it is to me and he says he is worried about his freedom, money, etc. Yes, I do still love him and yes, he is a good father. What would I gain by leaving? I feel like I will loose respect for myself if I stay....I feel like the trust is gone. I feel like everything we agreed on (aa, fidelity, children) has been revoked by him one by one. I wish I didn't love him - that would make it easy....I just feel like I would rather my child grow up with a happy mother than a mother who is compromising herself. I also have to put my sobriety first - I am scared if I stay with him the resentment will get worse and worse and as a recovering alcoholic, I cannot afford to live like that.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Great points, definitely talk to him. Explain to him just how much a second child means to you.

I'll say from my own experience (I have 4 children), that the biggest change in my life was when we had our first child. The second child was more work but the change to my life was not big at all. Once you have kids, your life changes and it becomes more about raising children (as you well know).

In my opinion he should have no fear about freedom when it comes to having a second child. Children take time to be certain, but the time requirements don't go up with each child linearly. That is two children don't take twice the time as 1. If that were the case having 4 kids would take more time than I have in a day.

As for money, it's no doubt that kids cost more. The biggest concern when it comes to money is the sex of the second child. If you have two girls they can share a room, and toys and clothes can be passed down. If you have a boy expenses do go up a bit, especially when they get old enough to need their separate rooms. Can you two afford a second child, even if it's a boy?

I'm not trying to talk you into staying and giving up on your dreams... believe me I love kids and I totally understand your desire to have more. Just trying to give you some food for thought.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Have you talked to him about leaving the marriage? Maybe that's the real reason he is reluctant.


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