# Inappropriate work relationship?



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I just want to know. Is it okay for a married man to ride alone in a car with a single woman? 

Today I called him and he was riding in the car with a female coworker .,, just to deliver a customer lunch. I asked him if it was necessary they ride together and he said no .. They just do. 
We have many other issues going on. I just want to know if anyone else would be mad..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There is no broad right or wrong answer to this question. I am a single woman and I have been in a car and to lunch with a married male coworker. I have also hung out with him and his wife on many occasions as friends. He and I have zero interest in each other romantically. Now, you state that you and your H have "many" other issues going on...is one of those issues this female coworker?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Trust is one of our biggest issues.
He has had an EA with a coworker before (6 months ago at his old job, I think it wa a physical too but he won't admit).. So I'm always on my toes.
The last time I visited at his work (a restaurant) my husband was sitting at a table with me and our son... As soon as she walked in the door, he jumped up to go help her do something in the back... He was gone for about 15 min... An old man he worked with came up to me and said "there is no reason for him to be back there right now missing out on time with yall... It's just because she's here... Stuff like this posses me off" ... 

That's all I really have. She is the restaurant owners daughter.. So she trained him but he's fully trained now there is no reason for them to talk so much and ride everywhere too together during the work day.. I can see on our phone bill they call a lot during the day


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'll do anything with a female coworker that I'd do with a male coworker. If you have problems with past inappropriate behavior, that's one thing. If not, then there's probably not a problem.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yeah I'm stuck because we have had a problem with coworkers not too long ago


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

thesky1291 said:


> Yeah I'm stuck because we have had a problem with coworkers not too long ago


You're stuck? How are you stuck? 

Now I remember reading your post before, you had mentioned the comment the other gentleman made. This is an ongoing issue, and your H is likely cheating. So what are you going to do about it?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Stuck as in not sure what to do or think! 
Since my last post, I left our home for a few days. He begged me to come back. He threw all the weed away... He's been way more attentive to me both emotionally and sexually... I thought things were getting better but I can't get past the trust issues


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

thesky1291 said:


> Trust is one of our biggest issues.
> He has had an EA with a coworker before (6 months ago at his old job, I think it wa a physical too but he won't admit).. So I'm always on my toes.
> The last time I visited at his work (a restaurant) my husband was sitting at a table with me and our son... As soon as she walked in the door, he jumped up to go help her do something in the back... He was gone for about 15 min... An old man he worked with came up to me and said "there is no reason for him to be back there right now missing out on time with yall... It's just because she's here... Stuff like this posses me off" ...
> 
> That's all I really have. She is the restaurant owners daughter.. So she trained him but he's fully trained now there is no reason for them to talk so much and ride everywhere too together during the work day.. I can see on our phone bill they call a lot during the day



So it sounds like he might be up to the same old cheating again. 

What do you plan on doing about it? Apparently, the consequences (whatever they were) from 6 months ago weren't enough.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I literally JUST got back to our home a few days ago after leaving. We talked everything out. I thought that made an impression especially bc he quit smoking cold turkey and like I said, his whole attitude changed.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

thesky1291 said:


> Trust is one of our biggest issues.
> He has had an EA with a coworker before (6 months ago at his old job, I think it wa a physical too but he won't admit).. So I'm always on my toes.
> The last time I visited at his work (a restaurant) my husband was sitting at a table with me and our son... As soon as she walked in the door, he jumped up to go help her do something in the back... He was gone for about 15 min... An old man he worked with came up to me and said "there is no reason for him to be back there right now missing out on time with yall... It's just because she's here... Stuff like this posses me off" ...
> 
> That's all I really have. She is the restaurant owners daughter.. So she trained him but he's fully trained now there is no reason for them to talk so much and ride everywhere too together during the work day.. I can see on our phone bill they call a lot during the day


Did you tell your husband this story, what the old man told you?

If so, what did he say about it? Clearly, you're not the only one who thinks he's being inappropriate.

In light of the fact that you've already been down this road with co-workers, you have a right to be suspicious. What has he done to earn your trust back since his EA? 

Have you discussed boundaries with him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

thesky1291 said:


> I literally JUST got back to our home a few days ago after leaving. We talked everything out. I thought that made an impression especially bc he quit smoking cold turkey and like I said, his whole attitude changed.


Actions trump words (and attitude)... 

C


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

thesky1291 said:


> I literally JUST got back to our home a few days ago after leaving. We talked everything out. I thought that made an impression especially bc he quit smoking cold turkey and like I said, his whole attitude changed.


That's great, but that doesn't mean he stopped being a cheater.

Look, someone else noticed that he was being inappropriate with the co-worker. So obviously, at the very least, he has zero boundaries and respect for you or your feelings. 

Again, what are you going to do about it? You need to be very specific with him about what you need/want him to do. If he can't SHOW you (ACTIONS not WORDS) that he's changed....then you need to decide if you can live with someone who doesn't respect you.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

He claims that the old man and the girl don't like each other so he is always talking crap. The old man used to be a manager but I guess he got demoted. Since the girl is the owners daughter I guess he takes it out on her... 
I'm just going to be honest.... I guess I don't know how to set boundaries... An what to do when they are crossed... 
How do I gain his respect (if even)


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

thesky1291 said:


> He claims that the old man and the girl don't like each other so he is always talking crap. The old man used to be a manager but I guess he got demoted. Since the girl is the owners daughter I guess he takes it out on her...
> I'm just going to be honest.... I guess I don't know how to set boundaries... An what to do when they are crossed...
> How do I gain his respect (if even)


I'm not sure I buy that story about the old man and the girl. Why would your H even go back there with the girl if he wasn't needed back there with her? Did he have to work that day? Did he mention what they were doing back there? I can't imagine there is anything in there she would need his help with. 

When you set boundaries, you lay out what you want/need. Your H will lay out what he wants / needs. You lay out what you can and cannot accept in the relationship. Tell him if he does anything of these things you will (insert consequence here). 

He can do the same thing. 


If he breaks a boundary, you MUST follow through with the consequence. 

So, if you don't want him talking to purple elephants - tell him, "Ok a boundary of mine is no talking to purple elephants, please. If you do talk to purple elephants, I will file for separation and move out."

Two days later, you find out he talked to a purple elephant. You MUST initiate a move out and file for separation. If you do not, he will know your consequences mean nothing and he can continue his same behavior. 

Stand up for your feelings because you deserved to be loved the way you need/want to be loved. 

Laying out his boundaries will also let you know if you can fulfill his needs too. So, it will be good for the both of you to sit and talk about what each of you want from the other and what you will and will not accept in the relationship.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

You are also immediately assuming that she would be interested in him. 

She may be happy in a relationship and the only thing he is going to get from her is a slap round the face.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It would probably be inappropriate if no cheating had occurred. It DEFINITELY is inappropriate since he has already cheated and should be doing everything in his power to earn back your trust and rebuild your relationship since he tore it down with his shyttyy behavior to begin with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

He said he ran to the back when she got there bc she had just gotten back from the bank and he had been waiting on her to help him do the cost report. Which I belive. But it could have waited another few minutes until we left. The report was not late. Or due until that evening. 

I'm not even saying I think he is physically cheating right now.. But like the last poster said, I feel like he needs to be earning back my trust right now... Doing everything he can to prove he's trust worthy. 
Not to mention, that's how a lot of affairs start from what I hear... Just being friends..


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Exactly!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

So far he's done NOTHING to regain your trust. Doing this shows he does not care for your feelings.

I'd say, hammer time. Lay down the law. Rules and boundaries. Zero alone time with any females. He needs to grow the f up.

He needs consequences. Expose his prior activities to friends and family. Do so so they support you and your marriage. Let them know his actions today. If he gets pissed, too bad. That's consequences.

Oh, and don't say that your gonna do it. He'll just tell everyone before you do that your crazy and tell lies about you and your evil ways. 

Lay down the law. Then expose if he fails. Or since he's failed, do it now.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I told him I wanted to talk tonight. He could tell I was irritated and said "idk why you do this.. We just work together. She is just a girl at work and i wasn't going to turn down her helping me take the delivery.. In her car.. Using her gas" 
He always tries to make it like I'm crazy. I know for SURE if I tell him the things the last poster said (which I agree with) he will say I'm just being crazy


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Gaslighting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You have to get to a place in your heart where you don't care what he says. If I were you, I would talk to a lawyer and get your divorce ready. You are married to a player and your heart is worth more than being this idiot's doormat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Gas lighting???


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Gas lighting = twisting things around so it looks like YOU are wrong, or YOU are crazy, or YOU are weird, or YOU are controlling..... when they are the one with the crazy/wrong ACTIONS.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Agreed with some of the above comments.

Be firm, calm and polite to him. Make sure that he agrees with the boundaries then take firm action if he breaks them.

Have you thought about using some VAR or phone tracking software?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think with the history involved your husband should be doing everything in his power to prove that you are the only woman in his life and also because he has shown a lack of control in his past he needs to avoid putting himself in the way of temptation. That is what a person of character does when they realize and regret their past actions. That means no alone time with other women and no hanging out with any pot smoking friends. 

Here's the thing....he is not doing those things, he seems like a selfish foolish boy who lives in the moment without consideration of his role as a husband and father. He has proved to you he can't be trusted, I say cut him no slack anymore, he needs to prove beyond doubt that you and the family are his utmost priority.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

thesky1291 said:


> I told him I wanted to talk tonight. He could tell I was irritated and said "idk why you do this.. We just work together. She is just a girl at work and i wasn't going to turn down her helping me take the delivery.. In her car.. Using her gas"
> He always tries to make it like I'm crazy. I know for SURE if I tell him the things the last poster said (which I agree with) he will say I'm just being crazy


Tell him you do this because he had an affair before....6 months ago. That's why you do it. Tell him to stop laying it on you like you're the one that caused the mistrust in the relationship. If he wants to work on the marriage, YES, he NEEDS to turn down her helping him with a delivery. Gas prices aren't so high that he should be willing to risk a divorce. 

He doesn't need help with a delivery. He's a big boy and unless that food weighed over what he could physically carry by himself...he was WRONG. He needs to be proving that a repeat of his affair 6 months ago won't happen again.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It depends.....this can be totally and completely innocent or it might not be. Have you asked your husband if he has any feelings for this woman? Do you know if they spend any more time together? Does he talk about her?

Whether she is interested in him or not, what really matters here is how your husband is feeling towards this other woman. It is one thing to be attracted and feel towards this person as a friend but quite another to be pursuing that person for time spent together, conversation, lunch, etc. If he has an interest it will probably show. If you are not comfortable with them riding together you have the right to express this and ask that it not happen anymore. If she is nothing more than a ride I don't think your husband should have an issue with this request. 

Here's the hard thing for some to understand. There is a growing number of office affairs that start out innocent and because they are not having sex there seems to be innocence about it but if two people are sharing time and feelings with another and that is considered an emotional affair.

My husband has had 3 emotional affairs and trust me these are not easy to deal with. I saw them play out, I asked the questions, he denied feelings but he was spending time with these women that he was not spending with me and seemed quite consumed by them. Hen later told me that they were EAs and that he did think what sex would be like with these women. Two were very one sided affairs.....he was attracted to them and they enjoyed the attention. The other was mutual and who knows how far it actually went. All were ladies he worked in his building or near him. These women were all office flirts. One was sleeping with other men the guys in the office knew and ended up pg by one. Other was looking for Mr Right and flirting with all the married men...eventually she did snag one and they are married now. 

My husband told me he had no intentions to leave these women for me but that makes no difference. How convenient for him? He said he didn't have sex with them and someone how that was supposed to make it right? No, that does not make it right. Commitment means not letting another person into your life and working on the relationship with your spouse. When a spouse is thinking of sex with another person it is a choice they make to let their thoughts go that far. The moment those thoughts enter your mind that should be a red flag to cut off contact but for some it is tantalizing and perceived as innocent because no one is reading your mind.


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