# Confused - First Post



## vinnir (Apr 28, 2011)

Hi,

This is my first post here and there does seem to be a lot of good advise going around. I am 33 years old and am currently separated from my wife of 2 years. We have been going out a total of 5 years and have known each other for 12 years - we first snuck a kiss 12 years ago 

Back to the present - we are currently separated and the basic fault lies squarely at my door. I have been in a bad spot for a while now not achieving set goals or following through with plans in our relationship be it weekend plans or longer term financial plans. I was genuinely a dead weight in the relationship. My mom was discovered to have Alzheimer's/Dementia last year which totally crushed me and my wife was by my side through it all. Her entire family is in New Zealand and we are in Africa which makes it hard for her and she has been wanting to emigrate for a while but I have basically said we can make it where we are. In January this year after feeling like I was basically drowning under the weight of our constant fighting, my mom and financial issues - I love my wife dearly I said to her I can not continue to see her this unhappy. I said to her she should go and start her life with her family and people who will make her happy - I basically pushed her away. After a few discussions we could not reach a compromise and it was decided the relationship was over; however in my head we were still working on it but she continually stated it was over. For the last 3 months I have apologised and stated that I was in a depressed state (no have not been for counselling - in Africa therapists are very few and far between ) but I have thought about my mental state and acknowledged where I was mentally. I have tried to win her back by asking for meetings, trying to communicate with her and saying I am sorry. I have spoken to her brother and aunt who also say we should fix what we had and work on it. Her heart however is now set on going to New Zealand and being with her family but I know I can make her happy - she did just a month ago say I was the best thing that ever happened to her - but it seems maybe I have hurt her and scared her emotionally that she is too scared/bitter to let me back in. I wish to win her back but I know my time is limited and I do not know how to prove to her that I have changed and am not in a well of self pity. Whenever we talk or meet up now her first response is always anger no matter what it is from me asking how she is doing to not hearing her say Lionel Richie sang a particular song (happened last night). I am not sure if she has moved on and is not opening up to me or if she still loves me and is scared of being hurt so is protecting herself with her anger? I am not sure if this has made sense. Please help me win back the love of my life.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Whatever did you do to win her in the first place. You are not that far downstream. Anger is always a secondary emotion. You have to find out what her primary emotion is and address that. It could be fear (it usually is), it could be that her self-esteem is so shot she feels she has to protect what't left. You have to get past her anger and find out who she is now.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

grizabella, great response. I agree but, the first order of business is to get her to listen without putting up a resentment wall. Gotta get past that wall before probing into her real issue. It's a daunting task. I would like the same thing for me and my stbxw but she is such a bitter person right now that if I am not careful about how to open that door and get past the wall, things could get way worse; well not way worse, but worse - she could shutdown completely. So what would you suggest for vinnir to get through the barrier and actually have a heart to heart conversation with her? My W is in automatic prepare for divorce mode - fix the house, split finances, she is going at it like gangbusters, like she wants out today!


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## GitanaGirasol (Apr 21, 2011)

Ugh, as someone also separated, and dealing with the two countries issue, AND dealing with a partner putting up an emotional wall... I just want to say I sympathize. 

I feel like big gestures at this point would go a long way, but maybe that's me projecting  Not pressuring her to go back to "normal", but trying to win her over and rebuild trust. 

I would also reassure her about how often (realistically) you could travel together to see her family, and how often she could go back too just on her own. Those are important to reaffirm. And if there is a [REAL] chance that you can move with her to NZ, talk that over with her. When you are so emotionally unstable with your partner, you crave the comfort and support network - often where you come from, and where you left behind. 

Maybe she just needs a few weeks back "home" with family too, to just feel how it is and assess her own needs. I did. And you need to be understanding of that process, give her space yet let her know you are around and love her and support her. Offer to go out there while she was there, so she can feel your support on her home turf too, and maybe that will give her the emotional confidence to reconcile.


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## vinnir (Apr 28, 2011)

Hi,

Thank you all for your points they all made 100% sense. Ok what I have done is asked her for a meeting where I basically asked her not say anything and listen to me for just 15minutes. I went to where she is staying - she has moved out and lives 3 minutes drive from our house. I did remind her of all the good things that made us special and that were our foundation as a couple - basically reminded her of all the good times and that by remembering those they can help us overcome anything we face. She did listen and jotted down a few points - I asked her to think it over and that we sit again in a few days. We also went to see a movie which I think was great because she initially said No twice and came back on her own accord and said is it ok if she changes her mind and we do movies. LOL it weird how the things we took for granted now are like major milestones and achievements.

I will definitely speak to her about NZ and the need for us to regularly go over there and you are right it is needed for us as a couple. Her brother said I must approach and also speak to her with a draft 'life' plan as that could help her believe that we can basically get to point x. The point on her self esteem is so right - just how do I build it up for her? Any pointers?


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## GitanaGirasol (Apr 21, 2011)

Re: self esteem and confidence, as an individual and in the relationship:

Is she working/does she want to be/is that an issue? If so, be as helpful as possible so that she knows you're not just clinging onto her because you're a couple, but that you want her to feel good all-around, and feel at home where she's living. If she needs friends, help her. 

Genuine compliments are never too much. Without going into it, just tell her in one line, "Thanks for coming to the movies. It means a lot," so that you are acknowledging - without saying it straight up - her internal struggle. And she *is* struggling now, I can guarantee it.

And tell her -- and mean it -- that you are willing to look for a couples counselor if she wants to and feels the need. Any city with an expat community will likely have one or two.


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## vinnir (Apr 28, 2011)

Hi,

Thank you. 

All the advise has been well taken in. We have a heart to heart since and after much anger from her she basically says she needs space and time with her family before she can even start to think about working on us  I have said I will support her in any which way I can in the interim. She has also completed shifting out all her stuff from the house on the basis that she needs a complete cut-off. If we are meant to be together she says it will have to be on us and persona's vs the things that made us comfortable. I want to respect her feelings and give her the space she says she needs if it will give us a chance, but I feel letting her go will distance us further. I guess I still need to digest the points.


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