# Didn't think this would happen to me



## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Wow. I knew there were a lot of crummy things about my marriage but I never thought I would be posting here. Forgive me if this is a jumbled mess, it's 4AM I haven't slept and just heard the words come out of my husbands mouth and I'm completely heart broken.

I don't even know where to start...Going back to when I first started posting here in short summary. H is 35, I'm 31 been together almost 13 years married for 5. Have a 4 year old son. He is a perscription drug addict. Went to rehab 4 years ago. Has been lying to me throughout. He is back on drugs now. I thought that was what he was hiding from me. Been snooping a little, not much, enough to know he was using again. Told him we need total honesty, he agreed. Told me when he slipped up again. Thought that was a decent sign. 

Fast forward to today. Left his normally guarded phone at home before work. I snooped. Found a frowny face text I thought was weird. Lots of other weird stuff but that one stuck out. Got Spokeo, came back with no name. Checked the phone records. Seemed like a lot of texts back and forth. Thinking this is his dealer. Realize it is not when I see he did not talk to this person for days before or after the day he told me he got pills. Starting to think it is a woman.


I am shaking when he comes home. Tried to be strong. Asked him who this was, comes back with a guy he works with, he's getting pills from him. I tell him I think he is lying to me. He has nothing to say. I went outside to smoke. I wanted more proof before I confronted. Once I put it all together (after he had gone to sleep) I KNOW it's a woman. Texts are late at night sometimes, and he is always texting her when I am out of town. 

I can't sleep. He comes out of the room at 3:45. Why am I still up he asks. Because my heart is beating too fast to sleep I tell him. I tell him to tell me who it is. He will not. He is speechless. After a few f-mes and what not says "her name is Pam, she gives me free pills". No I tell him, that is not all. He then throws a fit does the blame shift "no privacy" crap and slams the door. I have stayed very calm. No raising of the voice. I smoke again, come back in and ask if he is done yelling. He said yes. I told him I know what is going on. He can either tell me and we can maybe work on things or he can deny it and one of us is leaving tomorrow. Tells me I can't take his son. I say I can and I will have custody drawn up I will give him all the visitation he wants. He asks if we can talk about it tomorrow. I say I won't ask any questions right now but I need to hear it come out of his mouth. Finally, he says "you're right". Ouch. I'm devistated. But I haven't even cried yet. Maybe this is the get out card I needed.

I don't even know what kind of help I am asking for, I just needed to get all of this out of me.

What are the questions I need to have for him tomorrow? I know some I want answered, but are there some standard questions the cheater should be asked? What about my son? I can take him can't I? Do I need an attorney? We don't have much money and I am a SAHM. I don't have health insurance for a STD test.

Once again, sorry for the jumbled mess. Thank you so much for reading and your comments in advance.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

oregonmom said:


> Wow. I knew there were a lot of crummy things about my marriage but I never thought I would be posting here. Forgive me if this is a jumbled mess, it's 4AM I haven't slept and just heard the words come out of my husbands mouth and I'm completely heart broken.
> 
> I don't even know where to start...Going back to when I first started posting here in short summary. H is 35, I'm 31 been together almost 13 years married for 5. Have a 4 year old son. He is a perscription drug addict. Went to rehab 4 years ago. Has been lying to me throughout. He is back on drugs now. I thought that was what he was hiding from me. Been snooping a little, not much, enough to know he was using again. Told him we need total honesty, he agreed. Told me when he slipped up again. Thought that was a decent sign.
> 
> ...


There are no standard questions , ask what you want to know . I do suggest in your questions you find out who the OW is, where she lives and works , her married/ single status . Where they meet , how they communicate. Be warned waywards lie and deny, profusely .

Set out the terms going forward , a hand written NC letter a template is in the newbie thread. No contact for life , if she is married you contact her husband or SO and do not tell your husband.
Your husband actively evidences his whereabouts , gives you full access to everything.

If he declines any of your requests then he is not serious or remorseful .


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Newbie thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

I'm sorry you're having these issues, oregonmom. It's harder because your husband is an addict. His OW is his pill buddy. 

Is he willing to end it with her and get counselling for his pill addiction?


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

i'm so new to this myself, but i will tell you to read the advice they gave you. read it, ask all the questions you want of your husband, repeatedly, and as many times as you need to. tell the OWH if there is one, insist on a NC letter immediately, monitor all calls, all texts or whatever it is you need to monitor to make you feel better. 

There are some really great people on here who have been where you are, and they will all help you out. Take the advice, listen, read, ask whatever you need to ask...someone on here usually has pretty insightful answers. 

i will tell you that the local health clinic probably tests for STDS for free. There are plenty of free legal advice clinics and support networks out there for you when you're ready. It's all so new to you that you can't think, you can't comprehend most of what you're reading and all you are thinking is "how did this happen to me?"

I will be thinking about you and your son today.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I agree with BrknHearted. 
Try to stay calm, learn as much as you can and keep posting here. Right now your mind is racing a million miles a minute, you just can't think as you normally do. We've all been there at some point in time. There are a lot of people here that can provide advice and comfort. Just know you are not alone, you are like many of us here, just trying to deal with a painful situation. Most importantly, try to take care of yourself. Stress can get you down real fast.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Thank you so much to all of you for your posts. It helps so much right now knowing I am not alone. I am not very saavy on the quoting, I will do my best.

@Eli-
Thank you for the newbie thread and the words of wisdom. It has really helped a lot. My mind is just so blank right now I can't even think of what I need or want to know...all those things you posted are helping me start to think again. 

@commited wife-
Thank you for your post. I am not completely sure the OW is his pill buddy...I think he thought he would try and get the # passed off as his dealer. He has been to rehab, not sure if he would be willing to go again. I will add those to my list of questions to ask him, thank you for the thoughts.

@brknhearted-
Thank you for thinking of me. I think the tears are starting to flow now because of all of you who are or have gone through the same thing...why do they do this to us??? I will take all advice to heart, I know there are so many wise people over here in CWI...with a little guidance I hope to resolve this in the best way I can. I am so sorry for what you are going through, my thoughts and prayers are with you. And thank you for the legal and STD info.

@Lonestar-
Thank you for your words of wisdom, and I am sorry you have been through this too. I am keeping my cool with him (surprising, I don't know how I haven't even raised my voice yet) but my insides are doing somersaults, and I can't stop shaking. With some sleep I hope the stress level will come down. 


Now that I read through some of the newbie link I do have a few questions...
-How nuclear should I get on the exposure? I have a mental list of about 20 family and friends that I know I need to tell (both sets of parents, his sister, his best friends, the couple we do everything with, his sponsor). If I don't tell everyone he knows is that ok as long as those that are most important to us know? 
-Right now I have no clue who the OW is or if she has a H. I plan to find that all out tonight. Should I wait with the exposure until I find that out? The people that really love me I really want to tell now...I need a hug. Can I tell my parents and our couple (who are closest with me) now? I don't want to mess up telling the OWH and can hold it in for 12 hours until I know some answers if that is the smart thing to do.
-When I talk to him is it ok for me to have notes or a letter so I don't let him sidetrack me and I get out all the questions I need? I feel so flustered, it would really help to have my cliff notes.

I know there will be many more questions as I start processing this a little more. Thank you again for being so supportive, your words have meant so much to me. My sweet boy has his day with my mom and dad in a few hours...I am thankful for that, will give me some alone time to try and process a little more

((HUGS))


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You expose to those who are likely to influence him most, those who will help stop the affair and support recovery , his parents, siblings pastor etc.

On the OW's side her husband or SO if she has neither you target her friends , coworkers and anyone who you think are her family . If she is dealing prescription drugs report her to the police, with luck she may have a record for previouse dealings.

This has to be done rapidly and in a short a time as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look in the phone book. There should be a list of emergency services you can take advantage of. Drug addicts lie. Its their nature. Most of all they lie to themselves. If they can do that they can/aill lie to anyone. I have been around a long time and have seen many friends and aquainances die or ruin their lives and famillies lives. 

In your situation I think its time to go and find a real man to love and take care of you family instead of taking care of his habit and girlfriend.

At best, you are third on his list. A distant third.

Prayers for your family
Chap


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

oregonmom said:


> -How nuclear should I get on the exposure? I have a mental list of about 20 family and friends that I know I need to tell (both sets of parents, his sister, his best friends, the couple we do everything with, his sponsor). If I don't tell everyone he knows is that ok as long as those that are most important to us know?


Most advice will tell you to get as nuclear as you can.
I say just tell his AP`s hubby/boyfriend if she has one.
This will have an immediate affect on the affair, often stopping it dead.
I wouldn`t personally expose to anyone else if I planned to R unless he continues to hide and stays in the affair after you expose his AP
Then I`d expose to those friends/family I thought could influence him most.



> -Right now I have no clue who the OW is or if she has a H. I plan to find that all out tonight. Should I wait with the exposure until I find that out? The people that really love me I really want to tell now...I need a hug. Can I tell my parents and our couple (who are closest with me) now? I don't want to mess up telling the OWH and can hold it in for 12 hours until I know some answers if that is the smart thing to do.


Once you have the info on the OW expose her immediately.
Do not tell your H you`re doing so and stand strong during his backlash.
His reaction to her exposure will tell you a lot about where his head is and how badly he wants to save his marriage.



> -When I talk to him is it ok for me to have notes or a letter so I don't let him sidetrack me and I get out all the questions I need? I feel so flustered, it would really help to have my cliff notes.


I don`t see why not.
You might want to write it all out in a letter to him and have him read it in your presence.
You can use it as a guideline to keep you on track.


Good luck to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not let him know you are going to expose them


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Thanks again everyone, feeling better as I feel like I am getting more of an action plan.

@Eli
Thank you for the exposure advice. I will wait until I talk with DH tonight and get info on OW and expose her first, and then the people in his life that are important and I will do it as quickly as possible. Tonight, after our chat. I am not going to take this lying down, I've been a doormat for too long. I hope, PRAY, that she is dealing. I have no hesitation in calling the cops. I have a feeling that was the cover story though.

@Chap
Thanks for your prayers and putting it to me straight. I AM a distant third. The bright side is I feel like I am gaining some power now. I have struggled with if I should leave him for years because of the drugs and lying, maybe this is my out now. I do know this relationship is now going to be on MY terms, no more doormat. I have not left for many reasons, but number one is probably that I don't want to be alone. I have no desire to be with another man, I do not want another man raising my child. I'm not a big Dr Laura fan, but I do agree at this point that I am single til my boy is 18 if my marriage is done. I have been in this relationship with my husband since I was 18, my first real relationship, and things have obviously not gone well...I don't think I would be ready for a while. 

And I will NOT tell him about exposure, promise. I want the affair to stop if I'm here or not. I will take a little dark pleasure in telling everyone he is not the person they think he is. Her...I don't even hate her right now. She didn't give me her vows, HE did. But I'm not going to let OWH sit in the dark, no way.

@Tacoma
Thank you for the good luck wishes and the advice. My dad had an EA about 4 years ago, and my parents have a better marriage than ever after a lot of hard work. That is part of the reason I would like to tell them, maybe they will be able to help and I don't think they will hate my husband forever if we reconsile since they have been there and done that. His parents there are a lot of issues with (alcoholics among a million other things)...it does kind of scare me. I will take in that advice and really think it through. Glad you like the note idea, the world class manipulator will try and change the subject and I need to stay on track.

All of you are so great, I would be going insane if I didn't have this place right now.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

First of all - I told pretty much everyone. It wasn't my intention, but I found out at work and almost had a breakdown. So, they know and them knowing has helped tremendously. My family all knows. I didn't tell my brother right away because I thought he'd go ballistic on my WS but he didn't. It took me MUCH longer to tell the OWH but I finally did. It was much easier than I thought and he's leaving her. That's a whole other thread, but I know I didn't do it out of revenge and instead did it for what was right. I wish I'd done it earlier. Listen to that advice from everyone, tell whomever you can that can help stop the affair, those who can protect your son and those who can help you heal. 

Second - If you are truly considering leaving, my best advice is to deal with that on the down-low. I'd get a separate account opened, put your money in there. I did an online one with BOA, only had to deposit $25 and it was only a few minutes - send this to someone else's address if you need to. Seek legal advice to protect your son. With his past and present drug history, you should not have any problems getting immediate custody pending a divorce. Most courthouses have people who will help you fill out paperwork to get a restraining order if you need one. Get a plan in place BEFORE you tell him you're leaving.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi brknhearted,

I wouldn't feel like I am trying to get revenge by exposing to OWH (if there is one), it is the right thing to do. I wish someone would have told me. I do feel a little bit of revenge in the others I admit, just because I feel like I have been putting on this facade for a while, that we are the perfect couple everyone thinks we are when we were far from it. Protecting my son is #1 for me right now, it kills me how much he loves his dad and how our life as a family may be over. I sent my best friend from childhood an email, asked her if I could talk to her about some serious stuff. I trust her more than anything, she does not know my husband and while everyone's advice here has been so helpful and made me feel so much better I know it will also make me feel better to confide in someone who has been close to me all these years. And the exposure won't get out yet since she is not a part of the H and my immediate life. And I can finally get a good cry in, I think I need it.

I do have a second account, I set it up while he was in rehab. It has a whopping $50 in it right now, but I am inheriting 2200 and will have a big chunk of change from taxes, and I will put a good amount of that in there. I will absolutely make sure I have everything in place before I leave if I do leave...that sounds so scary right now. Thank you for the support. 

Must take my boy to the g-parents, I am sure I will come up with more questions on the car ride. You all have been so helpful.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

I have come up with some questions for all of you with how procede tonight when he comes home...


My questions I have thought of for him:

-What is her full name?
-Is she married?
-Does she have kids?
-Where does she live?
-Where does she work?
-Where did you meet?
-How long has this been going on?
-Where are you meeting up?
-Are you doing drugs together?
-Has my son met her?
-How old is she?
-Did you tell her you loved her?
-How do you communicate? Do you also email/call from work #s?


That is all my tired brain can think of right now. Please feel free to make some more suggestions. I assume they are having sex. Unless he trys to say different, I really don't want to know about that part yet if ever. But if he tries to deny it, I will have to go there.


Questions I have for all of you:

-Should I start with my questions and follow with what I need to make this work (everything you suggested Eli-no contact letter etc) or the other way around?
-Should I get a VAR? He rarely calls her, usually texts, not sure if that would be effective?
-What about a GPS? He has an older phone, can it be put on that? I would think this would be the best option if it's possible...how much money will that cost? I'm on a budget...although I guess I can just use the money I was going to spend for Valentines Day.


Broke down and told my mom. She said how lucky we were to have my H in our family and I just started crying. Don't think my mom has seen me cry for 15 years...she was so worried, I had to tell her. Asked her to stay quiet about it for now, that I had found this place and you are helping me make a plan to combat this and I needed her cooperation. Offered to take my boy for the night so if it got heated he wouldn't hear it, but I am going to keep my calm. I could see last night how angry it made him that I was so calm. Me breaking into a rage against him will only prove to him that I am the crazy one. 


He will be going back east to see his parents with his sister on Saturday for almost a week. I was going to miss him so much, now I can't wait for him to get the h*** out of here. They all will know by then. I am sure it will be a very enjoyable trip for him :smthumbup:


Sorry for the rant...feels so much better to get all of this out. Thank God I found this place a few weeks ago, I guess he lead me here for a reason.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I am going to tack a different tack---here

You shouldn't have married him/stayed with him the 1st time he screwed up---you must have had some idea what was going on----people can't hide drug addiction, like they can A's.

You know now---why are you still in the same house with him---you should be long gone, and filing for D., and who cares anything about his life-------he is a Drug addict, and he will just destroy you, right along with himself

Forget anything else---it doesn't matter, get out now, and go and start to live a normal/decent life.

I don't really think any problems you may have in making it on your own, are gonna be anywhere near the problem of staying with this drug addict----get out now!!!!!!!


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

jnjexpress-

Thank you for your reply and you are absolutely correct. I never should have married him. Red flags everywhere. I was young and inexperenced when we met. I loved him. I didn't understand drug addiction. I didn't realize how deep in it he was. I did know he used on occasion but I had no idea how scary prescription drugs were. 

By the time I found out the extent of what was going on I was pregnant. He went to outpatient rehab, never stopped using. Sent him to inpatient once our baby was born, and he was totally clean for about a year and a half. That was the best time of my life. I guess I have always hoped for that to come back.

I should run. He will drag me down. I am just not quite ready yet. I will add him going to a rehab away from here to my list of things he must do if he wants to work on our marriage. 

Honestly, I do not think he will agree to all I will lay out - the NC, transparency, actively letting me know where he is, MC and rehab away from us. I think I will feel better knowing I gave him a chance and he didn't choose his family. 

I also want to take brknhearted's advice and get money, accounts, living arrangements, divorce papers, custody, all in order before I leave. Not trying to delay...trying to make sure I will be in the position not to be tempted to come back (if that makes any sense)

I appreciate you slapping some sense into me...I've been on the fence for over a year and I'm thinking this is the straw that broke the camels back. I am definitely starting to think this is my ticket out, and I'm glad it came.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

oregonmom said:


> @Tacoma
> Thank you for the good luck wishes and the advice. My dad had an EA about 4 years ago, and my parents have a better marriage than ever after a lot of hard work. That is part of the reason I would like to tell them, maybe they will be able to help and I don't think they will hate my husband forever if we reconsile since they have been there and done that. His parents there are a lot of issues with (alcoholics among a million other things)...it does kind of scare me. I will take in that advice and really think it through. Glad you like the note idea, the world class manipulator will try and change the subject and I need to stay on track.



If it helps you to confide and ask advice of your parents then do so.
Especially if you believe they can forgive him.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You do need to secure all the marital assets in your name only, before he spends anymore on drugs, or other women.

IMHO----the best thing you can do is to D., and if he really, really wants you, then he can prove it to you , by staying clean, and winning you back------make him prove he wants you, if he can prove by his actions, not his lying mouth, then you can consider marrying somewhere down the line, after you are convinced of his honesty.

If you have to wait any amount of time to D., get a legal seperation immediately, so as I said before---he does not blow away, your marital assets

You know he will never really rehab himself till he hits rock bottom---maybe a D. will put him there, and he will wake up!!!!!!


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Does your state have legal seperation? Not all states do, for instance Texas does not have legal seperation, if both parties can agree on property settlement a divorce can be granted in 60 days. However; our neighbor state of Louisiana requires a legal seperation for I believe a time period of one year before the divorce will be granted.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Sorry I have been away for a while, decided I was spending too much time sulking reading here and too little time being proactive, so I took the last day getting the plan put in place...back on to give an update of DH and my talk and also for you all to help me with the next steps.


Most important thing first: There is a OWH. I have his name (very common last name). I have his address. I have his home phone number, but he is apparently out of town a lot so I do not want to call that and get the OW. This is where it gets a little tricky - found an email address for him and a seperate one for the OW. His address was linked to myspace as having a profile. Took a look at the profile and it was a profile never filled out and no friends added under her name with her status as single. I figure this could be one of two things-
1. This is a secret email address for her, she signed up with myspace in order to meet other men then thought better of it
2. This is her husband, she has cheated on him before and he signed up thinking he could catch her in some way or contact that OM through myspace
What do you guys think?? Obviously I don't want to send anything if this is the OW. I am trying my best to find a cell number but haven't had luck yet...suggestions on best places to find it? I think he may be a customer at DH's work, and I can have a friend look his name up in the data base. This is done all the time at DH's work, not against policy in anyway and my friend would not be in trouble if he did this, should I ask? Told friend in question and his fiancee about the A last night, and they are 100% behind me telling the OWH.


On to the conversation with DH.

He was willing to answer most of my questions. He was definitely trickle truthing me, sugar coating. Would tell him he was and he would start to get upset claiming the old "can't remember" specifics. I realized this early so I thought it would be best to get through all the questions and my conditions before he shut down completely, I can get back into the specifics later. That was Sunday night, and yesterday I did not really see him because I went to spend time with my friends. He was asleep when I got home at 10:30. 

What I found out: he met her at work, she was a customer of his (he is a retail store manager). It has been going on for about a year (I had proof for 6 months). She is 53!?!?! WTF!!! He claims it started when she came into his work, some how her taking percocet came up and he asked her if she shared (how to you even have a conversation like this with a customer?? It is beyond me). Said he was getting free pills from her for a while then when he went over to her house one day to get them she asked what was in it for her. He said he would give her money, she said she wanted to f***. Once again, who says this???? So he claims it went on from there, but it only happened 4 times (in a year? please) and it was only so she would give him pills, he has no feelings for her. Admitted it was "exciting" and "different" when I suggested he shouldn't be able to perform if it really did just make him feel "disgusted" as he first said. Did tell him if he was having sex for pills, he was prostituting himself. That seemed to hit pretty hard.

The trickest parts of the conversation - asked him if he was willing to stop using. He said he would try but he shook his head no as he said it. RED FLAG!!! I did tell him he did that and I could not believe him. Agreed to all my conditions (NC letter, complete transparency, calling me from his work number before he came home instead of by cell, STD test, MC, to give me all of his past and future pay stubs-it records every break, lunch etc) except rehab. Says he does not want to go again, learned everything he could learn and we can not afford it. Told him that was putting a price on our marriage and that if he was still using he has not come to terms with the issues that are driving him to use. He made a counter offer of 90 meetings in 90 days and IC to work on his personal issues. Told him that was a good start. I am not backing off the rehab condition, but it seems like most people here have had a sticking point at the beginning in their terms. I am hoping once I have completely exposed and he has others in his ear his opinion might change. 

Said he has not called the OW to tell her I knew. Told him not to. The no contact letter would do that for him. Said he would not, and the only reason he was going to was to tell her I knew, it was over and not to worry, I wouldn't tell her H. WHAT??? Thank goodness it was dark while we were talking because I know my face probably turned beet red.


The good things-

In every fight we have ever had, I have been at fault. Not the case here. He told me I am the best wife he could ask for and I have done nothing to deserve what he has done.

In a way, I am feeling better about myself. I have always been a doormat and I feel like I have taken the power back. I feel strong.

I feel mentally prepared to D. I have given him the terms of R, and it is up to him now to follow through with that. I can leave without feeling I haven't done all I could. It is in his hands now. I would also like to make clear that not only contacting the OW would be a deal breaker, contacting anyone he gets drugs from is a deal breaker.

I have really realized what wonderful friends I have. 

I have also come to terms that God would not put me though this if he did not think I could handle it. I prayed last night and actually thanked him - I know while this pain is tough, I will come out a stronger, happier and better person because of this.


One last thing - I'm planning the rest of my exposures for tomorrow. Friend that already knows that works with him is off for the next two days and I explained there were more people I needed to tell before they spoke with him, but it would be done by the time he went to work Thursday. 


Sorry for the length, so much to get out. Thank you all for the support!!!


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

And to follow up with you jnj and lonestar, I am not sure of the divorce laws here, I am planning on figuring that all out now. Thanks!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Good luck, as an addition go to a doctor and explain your situation , he may prescribe you some medication. Keep some time for yourself , eat , drink, walk, be healthy , the emotional rollercoaster will drain you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

@Eli-
Thank you so much. I have been on anti-anxiety meds before but currently I am not insured...I am trying to figure out a way I may be able to get back on those without costing an arm and a leg. I am making an appt at PP for the STD test.

Agreed with my friend last night that we will start working out together a couple times a week. I have wanted to gain more muscle for the competitive sport I play (got to keep up with high school/college age girls) but have never really gotten into it because I was too busy taking care of DH. Competing makes me really happy, but I have always just shown up and played...no practice, no workouts. I am really going to dedicate myself for the year coming up and see what I can do, I know I will feel good about that.


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