# 2 years later



## Ralph (Feb 9, 2010)

So, I forgot my password and finally got logged in and saw that I have not logged into this site for 2 years and 3 months! 
Anyway, about 4 years ago?, I found this website when I was deployed and discovered my wife had been having an affair with a high school friend. Her friend, not mine! I won't go into the usual cliche "hundreds of texts; 2am phone calls to the same number; blah, blah, blah". If you guys(or gals) are seeing that, it's not an EA. You can tell yourself that to make you feel better, but eventually you'll have to accept reality.
We've been married 16 years and have 2 kids. That played a huge part in how I approached the entire betrayal, because my biggest fear was not seeing my kids again. With my military job trying to get custody would be extremely difficult. And even if I did, what would I do if/when I deployed again? 
Well, back then I read alot of the posts by BigBadWolf, I think it was. And I read about the 180. Awesome advice all around for those that are wanting to keep the marriage going after an affair. We did MC, which helped a lot. We used it as a refereed forum for venting our frustrations, so it was good for both of us. Anyway, we decided to try and make the marriage work. For the most part, things had gone ok on my end except for obvious trust issues I have with my wife.
She agreed to shutoff her Facebook account after this happened. About two years ago I felt comfortable with her reopening her facebook account to stay in touch with friends, mainly since the military has an uncanny ability to move us to where we have no friends or family within normal driving distance. I'm sure most of you see this coming. Within months, I looked on the side of her facebook homepage when she was showing me something, and there is the POS OM on her friends list! Not to be worried! I was told. We only post on subjects like high school reunions, hometown events, etc... Yeah, right. She removes him and assumes I am placated by this gesture. 
So the distrust and paranoia monster she has created in me was reawoken. This past week she is visiting family out of state for a wedding, so I use this time to do a little fact finding. I find out she has been having cyber sex with one of her friends husbands. Pictures, texts, etc...
I know from the conversations she has had with her friends, she has kept this online. But I also read that she plans on splitting once the kids finish school. (not sure if she meant this year, or high school, still working on that)
I guess my current dilemma/question is where do I go with this cyber sex incident. To me, it's cheating. Taking pictures of your nude body and sending them to someone is definitely not acceptable. If it's something that both parties in a relationship knows about is one thing, because some people are ok with that kind of kinky. But it's news to me for this particular relationship.
I'm not even pissed this time. It's basically "Oh, and now she does this also."
I think my indecision comes from staying with her after she screws her friend, but dumping her when she chats online with some random dude.
What do you guys think?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry that you find yourself here again Ralph.Seeing as you're not sure whether you're going to D or try to work it out,you might get better feedback in the CWI sub-forum.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

Sounds like you gotta file brother. You gave her a chance and she did it again. What would it show her if you stuck it out...that's right, can't go there again. Time to re-deploy to greener pastures.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, what she is doing is cheating.

How old are your children? Asking because of her plan to leave you when they are out of school.

Is she a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?

What state do you live in? This is important for issues dealing with divorce.


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## Ralph (Feb 9, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. EleGirl, kids are 13 and 8. She is a stay at home mom, but just started a part time job. We live in maryland, but are residents of different states, and married in a completely different one. I'll have to figure that one out.
I haven't confronted her yet, will wait til she returns from trip. The recent incident I just discovered this week was from at least a month ago, so this time I am planning on dealing with it differently. The silly thing is, I feel dishonest and sneaky about talking to a Divorce lawyer with the plans of dropping it in her lap with no warning. Even though she has no such inhibitions obviously.
I will take this baggage over to the CWI subforum as well however to try and get some advice as suggested.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Ralph -- it appears your wife is a serial cheater -- you need to take a stand now --- respect yourself and your kids -- good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ralph,

Best to consult an attorney before she gets back so you can decide which way you want to handle it.

I would be sure to get copies of everything and put them somewhere safe in case you need them. 

After you know your rights and have all your ducks in a row, you can shock and awe her by having her served without a warning or just tell her you know what she's up to and her plans and since she so desperately wants out, you'll accomodate that now.

Also, you need to expose this to the OM's wife so she knows what her spouse is up to. Copies of messages and pics are usually good for that but remember, don't tell her you're going to expose. Do it and then confront her


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## Ralph (Feb 9, 2010)

Well, my biggest problem right now is timing. The wife and kids are due to go stay with the in-laws this summer. And they are literally on the other side of the country. Plane tickets have already been purchased. If we divorce/separate right now, I have about one month left of seeing my kids. It will be easier on the kids in that they will change schools during the summer break, but that's about the only good thing about this whole mess. I also don't want to play the waiting game. Wait til my kids return at the end of summer, and then drop this bomb on them. I also don't know how to lie to them and say I'll see them when they get back, because I know they won't be coming back. Things like this are where I get really pissed at my wife for what she's done and she seems oblivious. 

To throw some icing on top, I am possibly doing a one year Trashcanistan tour in the near future if my name pops up again, with 6 months training at different locations before I leave. The first thing my boss said was about 3 quarters of the people he was over there with had ruined marriages. Well, that's no surprise. If this happens, then fixing the marriage is definitely off the table. Not because I won't want to, but because if she's able to do these things with me and the kids upstairs asleep, then me being out of country for a year and a half is a disaster.

I'm trying to see where a divorce would lead to in the future, as far as the kids, and with me retiring in the next 2 to 4 years. I have no ties on the west coast, and no desire to move back there, but I will not be able to live 2000 miles away and not be part of their life. Since this is not the first time this happened, I am viewing everything in a more analytical way as opposed to emotional. In other words, I know I am capable of stringing things along, and then drop kicking her ass to the curb when its convenient for me. (preferably when she's feeling everything is peachy)

Right now I am still trying to gather more info before I expose her, I can't nail down which friend's husband she is doing this with, and I obviously need to make damn sure before I do anything. I don't have a Facebook account, so my facebook skills are weak. As in, log-in, see what's going on, log-out quickly.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ralph, fwiw I'm am army vet and my ex is career navy so I have been on both sides of the fence as far as the military life goes. It's an extremely difficult life for spouses, in some ways more so then that of an active duty member, and not everyone is cut out for it. You basically can't have your own career, the military moves you away from your support system of friends and family, and you're alone a lot. I think it's always a good idea to first try to have some compassion for what is being asked of her as a military spouse. Lots of people will say that she knew what she was signing up for, but that's a false statement. Nobody knows until they start living it. Your wife is clearly not cut out for this lifestyle. Having said all that phone sex with a friends husband is just trashy and says a lot about her character. I'd probably just end this now, you'll drive yourself crazy in Aftrashisran and you need to be focused. Be safe brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ralph, I think the advice to document all of this is good. Also to keep yourself safe and not be distracted by all of this.

If there is a good side to this, your kids are old enough to skype and keep in touch with you even when you are far away and even if you divorce their mother. 

Is there any possibility of getting out of deployment, staying stateside and sharing custody? If not, you are still doing something the kids can look up to. Just make a HUGE effort to stay in their lives as much as you possibly can.

If you can string it along and retire in two years, I see how documenting, then divorcing and getting custody can work.

Sorry I have no sympathy for what is being asked of her as a military wife.


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## Ralph (Feb 9, 2010)

Thanks for the input LITS. I know being the military spouse is rough. I haven't gone into a lot of detail about her, but I was able to stay married for 16 years because I do love her and she has been a good wife/mom/friend except for the cheating. She handles the kids and homelife while I am gone better than I probably could, and I do appreciate her. I won't go down the path that I have seen others on here do, such as "It's my fault she cheated." It would have been fair if the scenario was "it's my fault she left me because I was always working/deployed." But no excuse for the cheating. It's like others on here have discovered/pointed out; the cheating spouse doesn't feel safe leaving the sure thing because of income/security/house etc...
I'm not wanting to threaten her with these things. They are not threats, they are just the reality that she is going to be dealing with. I do have compassion for what she's gone through, and I'm not looking to trash her, whatever her ****ty choices are. I am just more cautious this time of allowing her try to work it out because she is going to panic when this happens. When I first caught her cheating with one of my coworkers, in 2008 I think, she had a stroke. No kidding, she actually had a stroke. The entire left side of her body was paralyzed for months. We found out within 48 hours that she has multiple schlerosis. After several months of therapy, she was able to walk again and use her hand. Her symptoms are stress related, and that was our first big explosion in our relationship. I was even more confused then, how do you dump your wife when she is in a wheelchair? I was so pissed at her and the whole situation. I realize some of you are wondering if it was faked for that reason, but I assure I'm not that gullible. Also, hard to fake the razor sharp line of paralysis down one side of the face, and loss of muscle tone. 

But it does illustrate a good point for those of you who think being the perfect husband and taking care of your wife will fix the relationship. I changed her diapers, showered her, took care of the house, kids etc.. while working. She was finally using a cane after several months. I didn't dump on her and call her names, etc.. because she was already obviously jacked up, and the doctor confirmed that the stress of the affair probably triggered the stroke. But I also felt bad for her. She is my wife after all. What do I get a few years later when she's back on her feet? More cheating.


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## Ralph (Feb 9, 2010)

Enjoli, part of my problem right now staying stateside is not knowing. A month ago I was picked, and my single friend volunteered to take the year and a half for me. The next time, it probably won't work that way, and sometimes the one taking your spot is in a worse situation. Another guy I worked with is having his second child born while he's over there. So I probably can stay stateside if I really wanted to make it happen, but at the cost of someone else. Doesn't sit well with me. I will go if I have to, I just wish I didn't have this hanging over my head as well as everything else going on.

As far as staying in my kids life, i really worry about that. They are not big on phone calls/skype. They are that way with my wife, me, grandparents, cousins. It's like pulling teeth to get them to talk on the phone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this a good example of what we call false R, no true remorse after the first affair

sorry this has happened Ralph


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

To all of you who have posted here that are vets or currently serving, I want to give you my heartfelt thanks.

Ralph, 

I have to agree with EnjoliWoman in my lack of sympathy for her for being a lonely military wife. Just can't do it. You were not only the same distance from her, but in an extremely stressful situation. Let's face it, sex is a great stress reliever. But, you didn't cheat. She did. 

If you are able to take the above advice and collect information for use after this deployment, good for you. If not, don't assume that she automatically gets full custody. These are your children, too. Regardless of whether the divorce happens pre- or post-deployment, you should absolutely pursue joint custody. Those babies need their Daddy in their lives.

Whatever you do, make sure your head's in the right place before you leave. Again, whether you divorce pre- or post-deployment, those babies need their Daddy. Be safe.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Ralph, I think the advice to document all of this is good. Also to keep yourself safe and not be distracted by all of this.
> 
> If there is a good side to this, your kids are old enough to skype and keep in touch with you even when you are far away and even if you divorce their mother.
> 
> ...




It's not important that you have sympathy for what is asked of her because based on the fact that you asked if he could get out of deployment it's clear you have no personal experience with military service, so you really don't know what you're talking about. Not trying to be nasty, it is what it is.

Ralph, of course her cheating isn't your fault and if I implied it was I apologize. I just wanted to point out that not everyone is cut out for that kind of life. It sounds like you've been through a lot together, but if you decide to end your marriage given it's current state and her current/past behavior, do not make her wheelchair an issue. In my experience with militaries, it is doubtful her behavior is going to change. Just do what you need to do in order to stay safe on deployment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

make sure you tell the other mans wife that she is having this affair with

P.S. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE


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## Ralph (Feb 9, 2010)

LITS, I didnt get that impression, I was venting for my own benefit. I just think I would have handled the whole thing better if she called it quits, and then found someone else later.
So far, she has found:

A married coworker willing to sleep with someone's wife from his unit.

An army major fresh from a split with his cheating wife. 

A husband of a friend.

Who knows who else? These are the quality guys she is bringing in. One part of me can't wait til she finds out how that is going to work for her. But, I can't wish that on my kids if they are with her.
I don't want to imply that I think I'm perfect, but if she'll cheat on her husband she's been married to for 16 years, who has a job, medical care, non-abusive, loving, awesome dad (in my mind).... Then imagine how faithful she'll be to the scum she fantasizes about. I don't want my kids to see that. And I know she'll be ripe for exploitation once back on the market. I saw plenty of that growing up. I think kids are more resilient than we think they are, but I hate putting it on their shoulders as well.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ralph said:


> LITS, I didnt get that impression, I was venting for my own benefit. I just think I would have handled the whole thing better if she called it quits, and then found someone else later.
> So far, she has found:
> 
> A married coworker willing to sleep with someone's wife from his unit.
> ...




I'm glad you didn't get that impression, by all means vent away. Unfortunately you can't control her behavior or the ultimate fall that's coming with these guys, all you can do is be an example of honor and service for your kids. They'll figure out who she is, and whatever relationship she ultimately has with them is between her and them. We all know how these things will end for her; I have a friend whose wife actually got pregnant by another marine in his unit (while he was still in) and as soon as he divorced her the other dude dropped her like a hot potato and she was devastated. Shame that you wife doesn't seem to realize that she's just a cheap skank to these guys; no comparison to a loving husband. Take your power back and end this yourself, let her nasty behavior take her wherever it does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> . Take your power back and end this yourself, let her nasty behavior take her wherever it does.
> 
> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Ralph (Feb 9, 2010)

Well, she'll be home tomorrow. I'll be working this issue for the next few days (months/years). Wish me luck!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Ralph

By reading your posts this is what I have come up with.


Your wife is a serial cheater and you are fairly sure that she will cheat again.

You have decided to D and not R

You are a bit worried about how this will affect your wife as she had a stroke the last time you made her see her betrayals

You are really very concerned about your children




Assuming the above is correct these are my thoughts:


Because I think your biggest concern is your children I want to say that *in my state the child at age 13 can choose which parent they want to live with*. If you are going to divorce I would encourage you to get as much court documents in your favor regarding child custody and visitation. In my state the parent that can best provide for the children gets a huge consideration.

From what you have told me you have a lot going for you in regards to custody-visitation. Your wife is a cheater and although some people say that is not a factor in divorce, in my state I have seen judges really frown on betrayal. I have talked to several lawyers and been in a few divorce cases and the parent that can support the children the best also gets a benefit in custody and visitation.

You have a career, health insurance, and no serious health problems. Your wife has multiple sclerosis, has had a stroke, cannot handle stress and does not have the solid financial status that you do. Not only do you have a better financial situation than your wife you will have a guaranteed income in 4 years which your wife does not have.



Although you may not hear it often but I know that many Americans are a little bias to the positive for military people like you that put your life on the line for us Americans. I know that you may have joined the military for other reasons but the fact is that you will go to the danger areas when called upon. Many people admire that and consider that a positive in your character.


From what you have wrote I think you have a good chance at getting a good arrangement with the courts regarding your custody-visitation with your children. Frankly, I hope you win full custody especially with any daughters that you may have. Your wife does not seem to be a very good judge of character and if she picks some loser that will be a huge problem. *The judge needs to know these facts*. 

You know and I know that any man that hurts our daughters; well the gloves come off and sometimes we do not care what the law says. That can be avoided by you having a lot of legal control over your daughter’s environment.


*As for the timing, well I would say that if you can stand it take enough time to get in a very good position to get custody or very strong co-parent rights for your children in court.*

If you are like my Marine son-in-law you are a good man and deserve a hell of a lot better that what your wife has given you.


Do whatever you have to do to win your children!


Blunt


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ralph,

Any updates?


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