# Snappy Spouse - normal? acceptable?



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Can I get some outside perspective on this please?

My husband has never yelled or screamed at me but he seems very short tempered and easily frustrated. When things that I consider everyday stressors happen - like encountering traffic, or the new puppy (that he wanted) being hyper or peeing on the floor, he gets frustrated and starts snapping at me. If we're lost in the car, and I try to help he snaps "just dont! Just be quiet and don't tap on your phone!" (I was pulling up GPS).

As long as everything is going exactly the way he'd like, he's fine. But as soon as the smallest thing gets on his nerves (maybe his team is losing on TV, the dog is running around, the printer jams - just any unexpected inconvenience) he'll snap at _*me *_and say "go! And take the dogs. I need to be alone!" -- and I'm supposed to just leave the room because *he* is in a bad mood. If I try to talk to him he gets really irate and says "Not now, just go. Don't talk to me!" When it's something like the printer jamming, or we're lost in the car, any effort I make to help makes him angrier and he tells me to "stop. don't say anything!"

If I stay quiet when he's frustrated it passes -- usually pretty fast, say 5 minutes. But I hate the way I feel when he's like that, and his shushing me or telling me to leave makes me furious. 

We don't have children and we are trying to adopt from the foster system and I'm very worried about these kids living with someone who gets bad moods when the slightest thing goes wrong. Once he calms down, he apologizes, but if I try to talk to him about it he simply refuses to engage me. It's never a good time to discuss it. 

Lastly - he has health issues and is in a lot of pain a lot of the time and I think he is also depressed.He will say he's snapping because he's in pain, but I believe it's always been his personality, even before the health issues. He has finally agreed to talk to his Dr. about the depression so maybe I should wait to see how that goes, but I'm really sick of this.

*MY QUESTION: Is this normal? Do people just get in bad moods and snap at their spouses and we just don't see that side of other people because we don't live with them? Or is my husband being an immature self indulgent ass at my expense?*

Thanks for your input/perspective.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often does this happen?

Is it normal? No, not in good marriages.

Is it normal in abusive marriages? Yes. Most of the time, in an abusive marriage, the abuse all occurs behind closed doors. It's a safe place for the abuser to act out. But in public, where others can hear them, an abuser very often puts on a good show. If your husband does not behave this way at work, with friends, etc. then he has 100% control over his abusive behavior.

Your husband is being emotionally abusive. For him to order you to shut up, or leave the room, etc. is a form of emotional abuse.

What does he do if you refused to shut up or refuse to leave or refuse to do as he tells you?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How often does this happen?
> 
> Is it normal? No, not in good marriages. ...
> 
> ... What does he do if you refused to shut up or refuse to leave or refuse to do as he tells you?


EleGirl, Thank you for your reply.

It happens anywhere from once every 3 days to a couple times a day if he's in a lot of pain.

If I refuse to stop talking he would angrily plead with me. He'll say "PLEASE, Just STOP! I don't care!" (about whatever I'm saying to try to help the immediate cause of his frustration) And he'll just withdraw into himself and become silent. Or he might leave the room. Sometimes I just leave when he gets like that. Mostly he tries to act like his snapping is perfectly normal and he'll just change the subject like "what do you want to watch on TV?" But he would NEVER snap like that in front of other people or at other people.

When he tells me to leave the room, if I just stayed there he would just be silent/sullen until his frustration passed, but I usually do leave because I don't want to be around him at that point. Or he might leave the room (angrily) if I didn't leave.

He can definitely control this behavior around others. 

I have definitely indulged his moods in the past. However, lately I started reading thing from Marriage Builders (Which I see you mention some of their books in your signature) and I have been saying "don't talk to me that way" or saying "It's not okay to snap at me just because you're in a bad mood." And he is usually silent in response in the immediate moment, but he has apologized and he's doing it less. I can tell he's making a concerted effort not to be short tempered where he before he seemed to feel totally entitled to be snappy, but he can only go so long w/out getting frustrated over something that I think most adults would just "handle." 

I am happy by nature and I just want to enjoy life. Why does everything have to be such a struggle? I am so tired of navigating his moods.

Like I said he never yells and he's never gotten physical (not with me, he's thrown objects like he might throw a phone or remote at the couch if it stopped working). But it does feel abusive. Like we can't just relax and enjoy each other. 

I've read about anger management but since he never raises his voice I didn't think it was applicable to him, but lately I've been thinking maybe it is. Even if he's not yelling he's visibly angry maybe I've been way too tolerant of this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?
How long have you been together?
How long ago did this behavior of his start?



WorkingWife said:


> It happens anywhere from once every 3 days to a couple times a day if he's in a lot of pain.


That’s pretty often and consistent. One thing to keep in mind is that his behavior and words have nothing to do with you. This is him being just angry at the world.

I get that being in pain can make a person snippy. I’ve experienced that. But it’s something that a person needs to learn to control. And like you say, he can control it because he does when he’s in public.



WorkingWife said:


> If I refuse to stop talking he would angrily plead with me. He'll say "PLEASE, Just STOP! I don't care!" (about whatever I'm saying to try to help the immediate cause of his frustration) And he'll just withdraw into himself and become silent. Or he might leave the room. Sometimes I just leave when he gets like that. Mostly he tries to act like his snapping is perfectly normal and he'll just change the subject like "what do you want to watch on TV?" But he would NEVER snap like that in front of other people or at other people.
> 
> When he tells me to leave the room, if I just stayed there he would just be silent/sullen until his frustration passed, but I usually do leave because I don't want to be around him at that point. Or he might leave the room (angrily) if I didn't leave.


This is a form of intimidation. If he does not get his way with a bit of snarky gripping, then he’ll escalate until he gets what he wants. Look at the outcome of this pattern. He gets away from you. He sip using you away. Look at the actions and outcomes, not the words. Interpret those. You say something or something does not go his way (aka he is losing control of the situation), so he does something to gain control. He tells you to shut up, or leave the room, etc. Or if you do not jump at his command he will leave and do it in an angry manner.

Abuse is all about control. The pain is an excuse for give him permission to behave this way.



WorkingWife said:


> He can definitely control this behavior around others.


I’m not surprise and expected that answer. This is what tells you that it’s not just the pain that is at the source of his angry behavior. The pain is the excuse. 



WorkingWife said:


> I have definitely indulged his moods in the past. However, lately I started reading thing from Marriage Builders (Which I see you mention some of their books in your signature) and I have been saying "don't talk to me that way" or saying "It's not okay to snap at me just because you're in a bad mood." And he is usually silent in response in the immediate moment, but he has apologized and he's doing it less. I can tell he's making a concerted effort not to be short tempered where he before he seemed to feel totally entitled to be snappy, but he can only go so long w/out getting frustrated over something that I think most adults would just "handle."


It’s good that you are standing up to him. Keep in mind that we teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that you will cower when he pulsing one of his snits. Basically you have taught him that he can control you this way.
Be careful though. As you stand up to him and express your boundaries on this he might start to escalate. He might have bigger blowups, throw things, break things, etc.


WorkingWife said:


> I am happy by nature and I just want to enjoy life. Why does everything have to be such a struggle? I am so tired of navigating his moods.


It’s life I guess and it sucks. Been there, done that. 


WorkingWife said:


> Like I said he never yells and he's never gotten physical (not with me, he's thrown objects like he might throw a phone or remote at the couch if it stopped working). But it does feel abusive. Like we can't just relax and enjoy each other.


There is an element of violence in throwing objects. Is he verbally going at you when he throws them? If so, the message is that right now it’s the remote/phone/etc. Next time it might be you. Like I said, keep an eye on whether or not he escalates.


WorkingWife said:


> I've read about anger management but since he never raises his voice I didn't think it was applicable to him, but lately I've been thinking maybe it is. Even if he's not yelling he's visibly angry maybe I've been way too tolerant of this.


Raising one’s voice is not necessarily an indication of anger. Some people with anger management issues use low and/or even tones to help give them plausible deniability. The message is “how can you say that I’m angry? I don’t even yell or raise my voice.” It’s a passive aggressive way of putting you in a position where you are unsure of what is really going on. And it’s working. Look at this. He’s ordering you around like you are his incompetent servant and you are not sure if he’s crossing any lines. It works.

People who do this stuff learned what works. Sometimes they learn it in their family or origin. Sometimes it’s just trial and error in their own experience. Since you have allowed him to treat you this way, he’s learned that the things he does work.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Can I get some outside perspective on this please?
> 
> My husband has never yelled or screamed at me but he seems very short tempered and easily frustrated. When things that I consider everyday stressors happen - like encountering traffic, or the new puppy (that he wanted) being hyper or peeing on the floor, he gets frustrated and starts snapping at me. If we're lost in the car, and I try to help he snaps "just dont! Just be quiet and don't tap on your phone!" (I was pulling up GPS).
> 
> ...


so for him sounds like yes this is normal and you knew this and married him anyway. Some people do not handle even a little bit of stress well, others never get upset by anything. Sounds to me like he is first and always has been. If you are going to stay with him you will likely need to find some way to disengage this behavior. The two most successful methods are to engage by calling out the behavior immediately " please don't talk to me that way, I don't talk to you that way". Or just "go quiet " and don't engage at all.

Guess you could leave but you did pick him with these traits. The one thing I wouldn't do his hope he changes. That's not likely. People who are always highly stressed feed off it like fuel almost.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I was married to someone just like him. Always getting in bad moods and taking it out on me.

We're divorced now.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> My husband has never yelled or screamed at me but he seems very short tempered and easily frustrated.


You're not giving him enough blow-jobs.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

This will not improve, it only will get worse with time, as the dynamics settles. Hold on with that adoption. Try to talk to him, and make him admit there is problem, and apologizing after does not fix it. Unless he takes active steps to fix it and succeds for more than few months, you may have to re-evaluate your plans for future with him.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

No. I don't think it's normal. If he is in pain or depressed and that is causing his irritability then fine BUT he needs to deal with the underlying issues (get on a pain management program and work on his depression), not take it out on you everyday. 

Everyone has a bad day, is tired, feels sick or gets irritable so if this was once in a while that'd be one thing but this happens far too frequent than you should have to tolerate. Personally, I could not live with someone like this because people's moods for better or worse rub off on me and I prefer to be happy. 

It is good that you're starting to stick up for yourself but have you had a serious talk with him about it when he isn't snapping at you? I think you need to make it clear just how fed up you are with his behaviour and that he needs to start taking serious action to prevent it from happening from this point forward.

What kind of health issues is he struggling with? Is there sleep, dietary or exercise changes he could be making to mitigate his pain? If so, getting involved in a fitness routine together, is a good way to support him. Not sure what kind of health issues he has but if they are causing him constant pain then that is likely a big contributor to his depression and certainly a large source of his irritability.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> EleGirl, Thank you for your reply.
> 
> It happens anywhere from once every 3 days to a couple times a day if he's in a lot of pain.
> 
> ...


This is EXACTLY what I have done in my home. Started speaking up as to what is ok and what is not ok. Speaking the truth in love. There are times I fail miserably, BUT the bulk of this intentional effort has turned a very abusive dynamic around in our house. You are 1000% correct to address this issue and you are 1000% correct in your approach. Excellent for you! The proof is in the puddin' 

There are many resources in my signature link for you.... a lot that address how to handle an emotional abuser and turn that situation around and/or make the decision to leave with integrity.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears your H has taken on anger issues that will require anger management. There is a lot on the internet that is helpful in identifying if your H has anger issues and how to manage these issues. Often there are classes offered in your area that help with anger management. There was three in my area alone. 

I was like your H. Snapped at dumb drivers, traffic and the littlest of things. Not until my W said enough did I find self help. The key here is your H recognizing there is a problem. This was the most difficult for me. What made it less difficult was my W saying fix it or she is out!! Wake up call! I fixed it. Took some time and self help but over all I have learned that a bunch of crap that happens daily is really not worth the uncontrolled outbursts and aggression. I had to learn to work with my stress and find it was mine to deal with, not yelling at others to relieve said stress. 

The most eye opening thing I learned when I started investigating my anger is the hurt I was inflicting on my W. Not until then did it all come clear to what an ass I was.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Methuselah said:


> You're not giving him enough blow-jobs.


This is about as helpful as cement shoes in the ocean. :banghead:


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> It appears your H has taken on anger issues that will require anger management. There is a lot on the internet that is helpful in identifying if your H has anger issues and how to manage these issues. Often there are classes offered in your area that help with anger management. There was three in my area alone.
> 
> I was like your H. Snapped at dumb drivers, traffic and the littlest of things. Not until my W said enough did I find self help. The key here is your H recognizing there is a problem. This was the most difficult for me. What made it less difficult was my W saying fix it or she is out!! Wake up call! I fixed it. Took some time and self help but over all I have learned that a bunch of crap that happens daily is really not worth the uncontrolled outbursts and aggression. I had to learn to work with my stress and find it was mine to deal with, not yelling at others to relieve said stress.
> 
> The most eye opening thing I learned when I started investigating my anger is the hurt I was inflicting on my W. Not until then did it all come clear to what an ass I was.


My H got a wakeup call from me too OP.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It varies a lot. I almost never snap at my wife - maybe once every few years. She snaps at me more often - every couple of weeks, but is getting better about it.

Frequent snapping becomes a form of emotional abuse.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My H got a wakeup call from me too OP.


I can tell you what I felt when my W said get help or she is working on the D...utter dread. My W never approached me with words like this in over 20 years. It was my wake up calls of all wake up calls. And I have to say when I really dug into the information did I realize how awful I was being to my W. I mean a real sh!t. 

The key here and might be a problem for the OP is convincing her H that he has a problem. Truly, most people see others as the problem. Never themselves. This rang true for me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Frequent snapping becomes a form of emotional abuse.


It does...absolutely. 

OP, you will see this in writing when you start investigating anger issues.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is him being just *angry at the world*.
> ...
> I get that being in pain can make a person snippy. I’ve experienced that. But it’s something that a person needs to learn to control. And like you say, *he can control it because he does when he’s in public*.
> ...
> ...


EleGirl is spot on, as usual. 

I've lived with someone like this and I can attest that as you enforce those boundaries, the behavior can certainly escalate. It can start as what seems like simple snipping, stomping, door slam, or throwing a remote or phone. It's not "really" hurting anyone, right? Just them expressing their anger; a bit inappropriate but still just a "mood", right? 

No. It's not OK. Especially if frequent or a pattern. 

Once that doesn't work, it can escalate. It took me a long time to see it for what it is. I eventually involved the authorities when it affected my daughter, I pointed it out, and in the moment my X didn't care. She just kept throwing pots and pans, knowing our daughter would hear and likely see. 

Holes in doors, walls, gashes in solid wood banister - you need to be prepared to reach out for help, call it in, or leave if you ever feel it MIGHT get to that point. 

If that pot had hit me or my daughter instead of the banister it easily could have meant a trip to the ER. 

I do believe that, like Yeswecan, he could turn this around with a lot of effort. And that likely will take a wake up call. 

I'd seriously consider leaving the house for a day or two the next time he orders you out of the room. When asked to return, then state that you will, but will not be treated that way. Next time it will be 3-4 days, etc.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> How long have you been together?
> How long ago did this behavior of his start?


I'm 48 and he's 50. 
This is my second marriage and his first. 
We've been "together" about 18 years now, married 11.
I think this specific behavior started right after we got married, which is also when his health related pain started escalating.
I believe it was always simmering under the surface though - but if I saw he was tense about something I was just instinctively silent until it passed so I just denied the significance. But I had this feeling of frustration, like, why can't we just relax and enjoy each other more?" even before I married him.



EleGirl said:


> Abuse is all about control. The pain is an excuse for give him permission to behave this way.



I do feel he has been very controlling of me in general and family members have recently commented on it. But he was controlling before we got married and would simply not engage me in conversations about things that concerned/bothered me.

But since I have started speaking up for myself he has made some positive change. I told him I'd give him until 2 weeks after his visit with his Dr. regarding depression before I brought up "our marriage" as something to work on again. (He has said he will do the marriage builders program with me, but but he's very good at stringing me along.)



EleGirl said:


> There is an element of violence in throwing objects. Is he verbally going at you when he throws them? ... Some people with anger management issues use low and/or even tones to help give them plausible deniability. The message is “how can you say that I’m angry? I don’t even yell or raise my voice.” It’s a passive aggressive way of putting you in a position where you are unsure of what is really going on. And it’s working. Look at this. He’s ordering you around like you are his incompetent servant and you are not sure if he’s crossing any lines. It works.


He is not going at me. He is mad at the object or situation. Frustrated might be the best word. He's easily frustrated and once frustrated he becomes temporarily dysfunctional. And then if I or the dogs make the slightest sound his frustration at the situation becomes irritation/anger at our presence in his environment. "Leave me alone. I need everyone out!"



EleGirl said:


> People who do this stuff learned what works. Sometimes they learn it in their family or origin. Sometimes it’s just trial and error in their own experience. Since you have allowed him to treat you this way, he’s learned that the things he does work.


It has definitely worked for him in the past. 

I do see this in his family. His mom is very nice and easy to get along with in general (and would never act like this, I don't think.) but she will call him to discuss politics. She'll be agitated and go on with her opinion. But as soon as he starts to talk (in agreement with her, but now he's agitated regarding politics too) she'll say "Just Stop, I can't talk about this." That ticks him off so he hangs up on here and comes in to my home office tell me how ridiculous she is, and then he starts going off about the politics. As soon as I start stating my opinion (also in agreement with both of them!) He says "I don't want to talk about this, it's too upsetting" or "It's too hot in here, I can't breathe" and he leaves. I've pointed out the hypocrisy and he agrees but still does it.

He has several close relatives who all have a trait of getting abrupt when they want something done a certain way and saying "just do this!" or "Just do that!" They'll do the thing the way they want then move on, ignoring the others. Those around them get annoyed for a minute but accept it and say things like "He/she's always been that way. Stubborn." They all see it in each other but not themselves.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Abuse is all about control. The pain is an excuse for give him permission to behave this way.


One other thing about this - I have felt like he uses his moods and avoidance of having conversations with me - to keep me off balance. It's almost like I am too happy/pleased with myself and life and he simultaneously loves that about me and want's to take the wind out of my sails. 

OK maybe now I'm just bagging on him but one other thing he has done our entire relationship is interrupt me any time I'm telling a joke/story. I love humor and all my life people have told me how funny I am and a great conversationalist. He takes great pride in his own sense of humor and every time I would be about to get to the punch line of my story he'd cut me off with his own joke or something to indicate I was going on too long and am a boring person. He would say "I couldn't help it, you set me up for that comment." Things I found funny he would refuse to laugh at or listen to.

It left me feeling constantly frustrated. I hadn't thought of it as "abuse" or "control" but it did seem like the result of an impulse to take me down a notch. (And it did.)


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> so for him sounds like yes this is normal and you knew this and married him anyway.  Some people do not handle even a little bit of stress well, others never get upset by anything. Sounds to me like he is first and always has been. If you are going to stay with him you will likely need to find some way to disengage this behavior. The two most successful methods are to engage by calling out the behavior immediately " please don't talk to me that way, I don't talk to you that way". Or just "go quiet " and don't engage at all.
> 
> Guess you could leave but you did pick him with these traits. The one thing I wouldn't do his hope he changes. That's not likely. People who are always highly stressed feed off it like fuel almost.


Thank you. I think you are right. I hope the "Please don't talk to me that way..." method will be more fruitful. It seems to be having some positive impact. Going quiet is what I was doing all these years and it's effective in that the bad mood does not escalate and passes quickly, but it seems to also have reinforced the notion that these bad moods are normal and acceptable any time he feels like it.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Thank you I will keep an eye out. So far he seems to be trying to de-escalate which is good. He is the kind of person who would be horrified at the idea of someone being physically abusive to another person, so I want to say "he would never do that" but do you ever really know what someone is capable of? I realize now he has been very controlling and I'm no longer willing to be so controlled so that must be frustrating to him.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Thank you so much Blossom Leigh. I really believe it can be turned around. But only if I grow a pair and stop accepting it. I am going to look into your links - the soft as possible firm as necessary sounds perfect for me as I have never been firm with anyone and I know that has invited a lot of misery into my life.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Going quiet is what I was doing all these years and it's effective in that the bad mood does not escalate and passes quickly, but it seems to also have reinforced the notion that these bad moods are normal and acceptable any time he feels like it.


Yes, that does work in the moment, in the sense that you don't aggravate the situation. However, it is "feeding the beast" in a way, especially if there is no discussion about it immediately after he's calmed down. 

Even a simple "stop" signal with your hand raised flat in front of you BEFORE leaving the room can be effective. That signals to him with body language that you are leaving the room because you're not OK with it, vs. submitting to his command.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Thank you so much Blossom Leigh. I really believe it can be turned around. But only if I grow a pair and stop accepting it. I am going to look into your links - the soft as possible firm as necessary sounds perfect for me as I have never been firm with anyone and I know that has invited a lot of misery into my life.


Click my Blossom thread and you will see a list of books/resources that helped me learn how to do that....


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> It appears your H has taken on anger issues that will require anger management. ... I was like your H. Snapped at dumb drivers, traffic and the littlest of things. Not until my W said enough did I find self help. The key here is your H recognizing there is a problem. This was the most difficult for me. What made it less difficult was my W saying fix it or she is out!! Wake up call! I fixed it. ...
> The most eye opening thing I learned when I started investigating my anger is the hurt I was inflicting on my W. Not until then did it all come clear to what an ass I was.


Thank you YesWeCan - This gives me some hope. I did start to consider leaving him recently (we have many more issues than just the moods), but this is my second marriage and I'm 48 and I do love him and really want to make it work. But I think he sensed I was at the end of my rope and he was definitely freaking out and scrambling. I know he does not want to lose me.

Can you tell me - do you literally not get frustrated as much now? Or do you still feel frustrated but just hide it from those around you? I'll accept him just behaving nicer but I would love to think he could make changes where he actually doesn't feel so irritated/frustrated. 

You can just feel the frustration come off him like heat waves off the road. I've tried to joke it off all these years but it really does hurt me. But then I did marry him and now I think I'm at a point where I want him to be a totally different person in some ways and wonder if that's very unfair on my part.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Thank you so much Blossom Leigh. I really believe it can be turned around. But only if I grow a pair and stop accepting it. I am going to look into your links - the soft as possible firm as necessary sounds perfect for me as I have never been firm with anyone and I know that has invited a lot of misery into my life.


This is what my W did. Grew a pair and told me point blank what will happen if I continued doing what I was doing. I was making her my wiping post(figuratively) for frustrations in life. It was not fair, right and very wrong on many levels.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Methuselah said:


> You're not giving him enough blow-jobs.





Yeswecan said:


> This is about as helpful as cement shoes in the ocean. :banghead:


I saw that comment and thought it was funny. And then it occurred to me that finding things like that funny is part of my problem in often laughing at jokes/treatment that others do not find amusing. My husband frequently uses humor to distract me from serious conversation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Thank you YesWeCan - This gives me some hope. I did start to consider leaving him recently (we have many more issues than just the moods), but this is my second marriage and I'm 48 and I do love him and really want to make it work. *But I think he sensed I was at the end of my rope and he was definitely freaking out and scrambling. I know he does not want to lose me.* Great! Time for your H to see the consequences of his actions. He must grasp what he is doing is very hurtful. Not until then will your H realize how poorly he has been acting.
> 
> Can you tell me - do you literally not get frustrated as much now? Yes!!! I sometimes have to count to 10 or remove myself from the situation that is getting me frustrated. As time goes by I do this less and less because many things are just not worth the trouble. I feel physically and mentally better for practicing anger control. In short, I stopped sweating the small things. Or do you still feel frustrated but just hide it from those around you? I do not hide it but I approach it differently now. Count to 10 or remove myself from the situation. Most times just laugh it off as inconsequential. I'll accept him just behaving nicer but I would love to think he could make changes where he actually doesn't feel so irritated/frustrated. It takes time. It did for me. Sometimes I wish I could have had a video of myself in a rage so I could see what a dope I was.
> 
> You can just feel the frustration come off him like heat waves off the road. I've tried to joke it off all these years but it really does hurt me. But then I did marry him and now I think I'm at a point where I want him to be a totally different person in some ways and wonder if that's very unfair on my part.


 No it is not unfair. The behavior is hurtful. Needs to be addressed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> I saw that comment and thought it was funny. And then it occurred to me that finding things like that funny is part of my problem in often laughing at jokes/treatment that others do not find amusing. My husband frequently uses humor to distract me from serious conversation.


Sure the comment is funny but you are here with a serious problem looking for some resolution. Lack of BJ's comment is not very helpful, funny, but not helpful.
To be sure, the joking your H is doing is a diversion from facing the real issue at hand. I think your H realizes he has a problem. Won't admit to it.


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