# dealing with my anger



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

A bit of background.

From my teens through to my mid twenties I was known for having a "short fuse". I would react to anger and aggression instantly and usually with physical force. This did serve me well in sport and to some degree whilst in the Military.
As I have got older the frequency with which I have lost my temper has dropped of dramatically and in the 18+ years I have been married I have only "lost it" 3 times (never before with my wife).

Over the weekend just gone my wife had arranged for me to do the 180 mile roundtrip to her fathers and pick up some furniture he had in storage for us. When I got back my wife said "I will make you a quick cup of tea and then you can sort out all the furniture to wear I want it". Being used to my wife I accepted this and just asked for a slice of cake with my tea.
Now the problems started. I am a bit pedantic and had measured all the furniture before I loaded it and had already worked out in my mind the options as to where it could be put and what of our existing stuff would have to come out / be relocated to make room for it. My wife has also made a plan in her mind as to where things were to go. The problem was these two plans did not look in anyway the same.
My wife’s plan was based on how big she thought she remembered things being and how things would looked grouped together, it did not take account of the actual sizes of things or other practicalities such as the swing of door or the position of electrical outlets. As my wife told me where she wanted things to go I listened, did the sums in my head and pointed out that things would not fit where she had planned. "just try it" she said. thing came to a head with her insisting I "just try" and put the 48 inch wall unit into the 46 inch alcove (the unit is solid oak and VERY heavy), I measured again, had her measure it but still she insisted that I "just try", "maybe put it at an angle", "give it a go" etc. I knew there was no way it would fit and was not willing to move it yet again. My wife (who was also stressed by now) then said I should just "shut up and do as I was told". That was it and for the first time every I truly "lost it" with her, knowing my temper I turned to leave the room but she grabbed my arm, In blind rag I head butted the wall unit and broke the 1/2 inch planking on the side. With blood coming down my face I pulled her hand of my arm and walked out into Garden to calm down.
We both had a "time out" and said sorry to each other but now I am worried as to what I might have done to her rather than the unit. 
BTW It still does not fit where she wanted it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I lose it regularly a few times a year, I just learnt to grapple instead of strike =/

As long as it's semi-controlled, I reckon it's fine, and you seem to be doing better than me.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Since this happened my wife has been a bit "nervy" around me. The only the previous time she saw me "loose it" was when (2005) we were the victims of an attempted mugging whilst on holiday in Bulgeria during which I put two of the attackers in hospital. 

For me when I loose my temper it is just as if I am outside my body watching a slow motion replay of events but with little ability to control their direction. As a child my father would joke that it was the "Viking blood" on my mothers side coming out. When I was serving my Gunnery Instructor said it was like seeing someone in a "berserker rage".

In the past I have had to do some brutal things to people and have always feared the side of my nature that allowed me to do this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I used to be like that, I still have that side inside me. There's always the 'red' button, certain things also still trigger me. I have no regrets of my past either as I did what I had to do. As for those muggers, they had it coming, I would have done the same. 

And at least they didn't cry and reported that YOU mugged them heh. Yup, you can guess how that turned out, hence I learnt to grapple - fked up justice system I tell ya. I just accepted my anger, and my wife has learnt to keep her distance.

In my opinion, what your wife did, by trying to stop you via grabbing your arm. That would trigger me as well.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> Since this happened my wife has been a bit "nervy" around me. The only the previous time she saw me "loose it" was when (2005) we were the victims of an attempted mugging whilst on holiday in Bulgeria during which I put two of the attackers in hospital.
> 
> For me when I loose my temper it is just as if I am outside my body watching a slow motion replay of events but with little ability to control their direction. As a child my father would joke that it was the "Viking blood" on my mothers side coming out. When I was serving my Gunnery Instructor said it was like seeing someone in a "berserker rage".
> 
> In the past I have had to do some brutal things to people and have always feared the side of my nature that allowed me to do this.


As a female, I find male aggression exciting, it speaks to a primal part of the brain - this man can take care of me. But you don't want it to get out of hand because you could end up in jail or dead. 

Have you ever tried to meditate when you're not in a rage? It will help calm down your aggressive tendencies.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> As a female, I find male aggression exciting


I was waiting for that but I knew I couldn't be the one to say it, thank you lol


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I was waiting for that but I knew I couldn't be the one to say it, thank you lol


LOL. You're welcome.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Enchanted said:


> Have you ever tried to meditate when you're not in a rage? It will help calm down your aggressive tendencies.


I have prayed long and hard about the things I have done whilst "in a rage". 
Those that I did in battle or in the face of others aggression I have come to terms with but it did get out of hand in trianing / on the sportsfield ones or twice and those I do regret.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> I have prayed long and hard about the things I have done whilst "in a rage".
> Those that I did in battle or in the face of others aggression I have come to terms with but it did get out of hand in trianing / on the sportsfield ones or twice and those I do regret.


Meditation is different from praying. Here is a link to free guided meditations:

Guided Meditation Audio - Listen for free


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> As for those muggers, they had it coming, I would have done the same.
> And at least they didn't cry and reported that YOU mugged them heh.
> .



This mugging was the only occasion I had ever been scared whilst "in a rage", not for me but for my wife. We could not run (my wife is only 5 foot and was wearing heels) and I knew I had to take down all three before they could get to her. 
The Bulgarian Police where great they caught the one guy who had run away and then he along with the other two were put (none too gently) into the back of a Police van. 
They gave us a lift back to our hotel and when they came to take our statements the next day they told us that all three muggers would be charged with attempted robbery and carrying offensive weapons (knives) ones the first two were released from hospital (one had broken wrist / arm the other had a fractured skull / broken jaw / ribs). 
The Police were very quick to point out to us and the tour rep who was acting as our interpreter that the attackers where all Rumanian Gypsies not Bulgarian nationals.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> The Police were very quick to point out to us and the tour rep who was acting as our interpreter that the attackers where all Rumanian Gypsies not Bulgarian nationals.


Lol, typical

You're very lucky mate. But I don't reckon the rage is wrong, it's kept you and your family safe. It's natural instinct to protect those you love. Personally I would only be worried if my rage gets the better of me during fights and if I fail to hold my own because of blind rage. But it doesn't look like it's the case for you so you're fine.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-ysg62GmFo


Oasis Don't Look Back In Anger Lyrics

Songwriters: GALLAGHER, NOEL

Slip inside the eye of your mind 
Don't you know you might find 
A better place to play 
You said that you've never been 
But all the things that you've seen 
They slowly fade away 
So I'll start a revolution from my bed 
''cause you said the brains I had went to my head 
Step outside, summertime's in bloom 
Stand up beside the fireplace 
Take that look from off your face 
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out 
And so, Sally can wait 
She knows it's too late as we're walking on by 
Her soul slides away 
But don't look back in anger 
I heard you say 
Take me to the place where you go 
Where nobody knows if it's night or day 
Please don't put your life in the hands 
Of a rock and roll band 
Who'll throw it all away 
I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed 
''cause you said the brains I had went to my head 
Step outside, ''cause summertime's in bloom 
Stand up beside the fireplace 
Take that look from off your face 
''cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out 
So, Sally can wait 
She knows it's too late as she's walking on by 
My soul slides away 
But don't look back in anger 
I heard you say 
(guitar solo) 
So, Sally can wait 
She knows it's too late as we're walking on by 
Her soul slides away 
But don't look back in anger 
I heard you say 
So, Sally can wait 
She knows it's too late as she's walking on by 
My soul slides away 
But don't look back in anger 
Don't look back in anger 
I heard you say 
At least not today.
Don't Look Back In Anger lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

(Love this song was looking for a place to cleverly insert.)


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

The difference between the mugging & the incident with the furniture is the former was a reaction to an immediate situation with only two options: fight or flight.

The incident with your W was obviously a buildup. You knew you were getting annoyed and I have to assume you felt your anger building. I'm not saying she was right at all. But you had ample opportunity to take a breather, calm down, not engage or not let things escalate. Next time you start getting annoyed or angry, that's when you need the "time out", not after you've boiled over.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Huh? Meh... for me personally I'd rather suitable angry music when angry, but that's just me. Like this: Dope- Die Mother ****er Die - YouTube



> I don't need your forgiveness
> I don't need your hate
> I don't need your acceptance
> So what should I do
> ...


After it's out then I'm more relaxed


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

pb76no said:


> The difference between the mugging & the incident with the furniture is the former was a reaction to an immediate situation with only two options: fight or flight.
> 
> The incident with your W was obviously a buildup. You knew you were getting annoyed and I have to assume you felt your anger building. I'm not saying she was right at all. But you had ample opportunity to take a breather, calm down, not engage or not let things escalate. Next time you start getting annoyed or angry, that's when you need the "time out", not after you've boiled over.


Looking back on it you are right I should have had my "time out" earlier ( I love the term "time out" and use it with my kids. 
It had been a stressful day at the end of a stresfull week and I let it get the better of me.
I will give myself a "C" grade "must try harder".


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Huh? Meh... for me personally I'd rather suitable angry music when angry, but that's just me. Like this: Dope- Die Mother ****er Die - YouTube
> 
> 
> 
> After it's out then I'm more relaxed


I feel more aggressive listening to it. Right now, I want to find those muggers.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oops, forgot to mention...

Must have something to punch nearby while listening to the song lol
I just let it out, but that's just me


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I think that a argument, here and there, can actually be a healthy thing. From my own experience, I used to have a very passive attitude and take all kinds of blows with a smile. It did not served me well. Actually, I found out people did not respect me, because I avoided confrontation. Nowadays, I just dont take **** from anyone. And that change of my attitude has served me well.

Your wife sounds a bit like me, when it comes to planning and you sounds a lot like my husband. We have found out we complement each others by having different strengths and weaknesses. We dislike the word "compromise" and prefer using "complement". 

I am sure your wife is better than you in some things, other than planning. Cut her some slack, no one is perfect.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Huh? Meh... for me personally I'd rather suitable angry music when angry, but that's just me. Like this: Dope- Die Mother ****er Die - YouTube
> 
> 
> 
> After it's out then I'm more relaxed


If the words / emotion of that song reflected how I felt I think I would sign myself up for the "psych ward".


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It has some crazy good drumming though


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Memento said:


> Your wife sounds a bit like me, when it comes to planning and you sounds a lot like my husband. We have found out we complement each others by having different strengths and weaknesses. We dislike the word "compromise" and prefer using "complement".
> 
> I am sure your wife is better than you in some things, other than planning. Cut her some slack, no one is perfect.


I love the "complement" over "compromise". I will try and think of it that way in future.
You are right in saying in wife better than me at other thing. Her patience and understanding (especially when dealing with the children) and her dogged determination far outstrip mine.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Since this happened my wife has been a bit "nervy" around me. The only the previous time she saw me "loose it" was when (2005) we were the victims of an attempted mugging whilst on holiday in Bulgeria during which I put two of the attackers in hospital.
> 
> For me when I loose my temper it is just as if I am outside my body watching a slow motion replay of events but with little ability to control their direction. As a child my father would joke that it was the "Viking blood" on my mothers side coming out. When I was serving my Gunnery Instructor said it was like seeing someone in a "berserker rage".
> 
> In the past I have had to do some brutal things to people and have always feared the side of my nature that allowed me to do this.


Do you engage in some kind activity or sport that allows you to naturally let than anger out?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Memento said:


> Do you engage in some kind activity or sport that allows you to naturally let than anger out?


I used to play lots of sport, rugby, boxing, martial arts, swimming, marathon / cross country running but over the years I have given them all up (to many injuries) I did coach at the local swimming club when my daughters went but I had to give that up (not enough time). 
I went about a dozen years without an outlet but 18 months ago I bought myself a little two seater sports car and I now take that out on "track days" and "hill climbs" so far my enthusiasm has outstripped my ability but I do enjoy it.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

When I started reading your story I was smiling because I could see myself thinking and saying the same things your wife did and being insistent about it as well. Although, I wouldnt have went so far as to say "shut up and do what you are told." 

You did a lot of work and went along with her knowing it was futile and then were disrespected so lost your temper, understandable. The intensity, the head butting resulting in blood dripping down your face would have scared me. It probably scared your wife but I wouldnt worry about any real damage being done here. I get the feeling this isnt a new marriage so she knows you well and as you say this isnt a common occurance. You apologized...no real harm done.

If she still seems "a bit nervy," she might be worried about you. Since its not how you usually react she might be wondering what else is going on with you, what else might be stressing you. Talk to her.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

inarut said:


> The intensity, the head butting resulting in blood dripping down your face would have scared me. It probably scared your wife but I wouldnt worry about any real damage being done here. I get the feeling this isnt a new marriage so she knows you well and as you say this isnt a common occurance. You apologized...no real harm done.


I think that the only lasting damage (other than to the wall unit) was to my false pride in thinking I had got that temper of mine fully under control at last.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> I think that the only lasting damage (other than to the wall unit) was to my false pride in thinking I had got that temper of mine fully under control at last.


From what you've said the instances of you "losing it" have been only a few times over many years and rightfully so during the instance with the muggers. I am sure she greatly appreciated it then. You were her hero! You seem to have it under control.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

inarut said:


> From what you've said the instances of you "losing it" have been only a few times over many years and rightfully so during the instance with the muggers. I am sure she greatly appreciated it then. You were her hero! You seem to have it under control.


Are you posting because you feel you don't have it under control?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Enchanted said:


> Are you posting because you feel you don't have it under control?


I thought I had it under control but Saturday showed me I do not. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I have a few demonds in that "temper closet" and would prefer to nail the door shut. I know that bottling it all up is not the answer hense the post.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I know you've done some martial arts, but have you tried some of the "internal" martial arts, particularly from Japan? Things like Iado, Kenjutsu, Aikido, etc you may find valuable. I speak from experience on this one -- I learned martial arts to *stop* fighting. Here's a story I think of often:

The Luxury of Anger

by Dave Lowry

According to the thinking of many of the swordsmen of old Japan, there were four basic "sicknesses" to which the martial artist could fall victim. The sicknesses are fear, doubt, worry, and surprise. Many of the spiritual elements and much of the psychological training in the budo now, as then, has been directed at overcoming or preventing these illnesses. To that list of four I think it might be wise to add one more affliction that is just as deadly and insidious as the other four. To that list I would add the sickness of anger.

"A man is like steel," goes a Japanese proverb (and the advice applies equally well to women, I hasten to add); "once he loses his temper he is worthless." My sensei had a different, rather more direct way of expressing the same sentiment. He brought it to my attention one afternoon when he was teaching me out in a meadow below an old cemetery near his home. We were practicing with wooden swords. At that time in my training with him I was experiencing a phenomenon every serious budoka has encountered at one point or another. I was forgetting the kata. I had reached a stage of learning where sections of the different kata I had been taught were getting muddled in my mind. The movements of different kata were running together. Even more infuriating, during the execution of the sequence of a particular kata all of a sudden I would draw a blank. Some of these movements I had been doing regularly for more than a year or two, and suddenly, to my tremendous frustration, they were gone, vanished from my brain. My body would stop as if my nerves and muscles had short-circuited. It was maddening. It was especially hard to bear for someone like me who has a pathetically low frustration level. It was even worse because when I stalled, Sensei, who was acting as my opponent in the kata, would simply stand there, expressionless, waiting for me to execute a technique I could not for the life of me produce.

"Shimatta zo!" I finally snapped in exasperation at my own stupidity.

Sensei's response was so fast it was completed, over, long before I realized it had started, in less time than it took me to complete the interjection. He snapped his wooden sword against mine and flicked it over, using the powerful force of his hips, in an action that took my weapon right out of my hands. My sword wheeled over in the air a few times and bounced off the ground. Simultaneously, I was left with the distinct sensation that my wrists had just been yanked off of my forearms.

"Anger is a luxury," he said quietly. "One that you cannot afford."

Anger as a luxury item. That is a curious way of thinking about that emotion, isn't it? But, as with most of the advice my various sensei gave me right after they'd captured my attention in similar and equally painful ways, it is worth thinking about.​
The Luxury of Anger


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## Blondie83 (Jan 27, 2013)

My Husband has spats of rage like you describe in your post and has hit the wall a couple of times which has made him bleed. We both had a "time out" and made up and moved on. However I know I won't ever forget how he exploded and how it made me feel. I still to this day "fear" my husbands rage. I know he has anger and has always had it. (He is in the Military too) So I understand and try to not push his buttons and start to recognize the signs when I know his anger is building up. It seems like you have your anger under control and these "outburst" aren't very often, which is great. I am very proud of you to control your anger so well. A slip up once in a while is understandable but if they start to happen to much you will start to hurt your marriage and her trust in you. Unfortunately I feel that way about my Husband, I have to walk on eggshells and can't be honest with him because I am afraid of his anger. So please please keep up the great work on controlling your anger and you guys will be fine. And she won't act nervous around you for much longer, time will heal that.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Personally, as a woman, I find mens rage really frightening... I'm not surprised your wife is nervy.

Nothing exciting in it for me.... but then I've been hit by a angry man before.

Your right to worry about this... it's difficult to feel open and loving towards someone who scares you. 

What are you going to do now? Now that you realize that your not in control of your temper/behaviour.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I am not going to read all these replys, but I have seen it time and again. Mister you are building a wall around your wifes emotions, and she will one day be emotionally stuck behind that wall and you will be in more pain than you can imagine because of it! You will plead with her to open up with you, and she will not be able to no matter how hard she tries.

Wake up be a strong man and a gentleman with her.

That anger is an action emotion, fight or flight, protect and provide.

It was never intended to be directed at your wife, never! Many woman will shutdown with even a small amout of agression in your voice.

I'm am telling you that you are setting yourself up for the greatest fall of your life!


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## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Looking back on it you are right I should have had my "time out" earlier ( I love the term "time out" and use it with my kids.
> It had been a stressful day at the end of a stresfull week and I let it get the better of me.
> I will give myself a "C" grade "must try harder".


You are too soft in my observation.

You should have said, "If you want this furniture bigger than the alcove to move there, *You do it* because I am not willing to do so only to prove you are wrong". 

Then you go off to make a cuppa for good mental health.

She should also realize, "demanding" is not the way to go.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Buy a heavy bag stand and a pair of gloves. Three times a week, spend twenty minutes working the bag. More if you're over-stressed.

Studies have shown time and again that exercise is one of the most effective outlets for stress and anxiety. And boxing has the added bonus of being a great outlet for anger, as well.

If you're a combat veteran, get hooked up with an organization or group that specializes in working with them. You may have had anger issues before the military but esp if you're combat those issues will be far worse.

IC would also be a good idea, too. Might be beneficial to really explore the causes of your rage. Those things usually go back to childhood, and an IC should be able to help you understand that.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I used to get angry a lot and I expected people to accept me the way I was. Never thought about the damage I did to people. 

Until one day I read 
Proverbs 14:17 He that is quick to anger will commit foolishness. 

Proverbs 22:24 Do not have companionship with anyone given to anger, and with a man having fits of rage you must not enter in.

Proverbs 15:18 An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling. 

There are other verses also. As I was reading these verses, I felt that I was being slapped on my face. I felt ashamed of myself. 

Angry people are usually impatient, and they usually think they are important people. When people don't do things according to their wish, they often get offended. 

The result of getting angry often is that people are scared of you and they stay out of your way. They have little respect for you. 

I have learned to get rid of my ego and don't get offended easily. I have also learned to be humble and treat others with respect, and all these have made me a mild person now, and it is a great feeling that I don't get angry and I don't offend people anymore.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Wilt,
Here is what I learned from painful experience:
- adrenaline and testosterone are the best thing in the world for physical competition and or conflict. 
- and they are pure poison for the non-physical conflict with your wife

Acts of service is a big love language for many women. Because of that, your wife likes to know that you will do what she asks. That is totally normal female stuff. It is also true that some women take this desire too far. 

My wife is like yours in many ways. Here is what I know to be true. It is INFURIATING to try to persuade your wife that she is being unfair, when she is focused on getting you to do what she wants. Because this is a hard wired desire driving her behavior. But if you comply with 'mission impossible' requests, she will lose respect for you. If you get furious and lose your temper when she makes those requests: she will lose respect for you. 

If however, you recognize them, there are many easy and sometimes entertaining ways of dealing with them. But only if you recognize up front that:
- you are not responsible for convincing her she is being UNFAIR 
Instead 
- SHE is the one making the request. And that means it is her responsibility for convincing you that she is being FAIR

If she can't. You just politely say either:
- I don't understand what you want or
- I don't understand why you think that is fair

The furniture case was a great example. You were calm, rational and helpful. You measured. The thing is, it wasn't about fitting the furniture in that spot. Your wife knew it was too big. It was solely about her getting you to do what she wanted. 

Next time your wife asks something that is clearly unfair or irrational: ask her a question that she can't answer. For example: I don't understand your request, can you sketch out how you want the furniture positioned on paper?

Or:
"babe I am confused, not sure what you are asking. I have a couple things I need to do, maybe if you send me a text explaining what you want I will understand it then. "

And then don't stand there and let her escalate or emasculate you. Just smile and say "see you later". 

If your wife is simply not explaining herself well, she won't mind sending a text. If she knows she is being unfair, she likely won't. 

If she is really difficult or tenacious, she will send a text that is different than your conversation. She might say you were rude/jerky for not doing what she asked. Without saying what she asked. Don't argue with foolish or unfair accusations. 

She will stop, when she is convinced that:
- she can't hijack control of your emotions
- that you are ok with her giving you the hostile treatment when you know you did nothing wrong

One important adder: I happily do a lot of nice stuff for my wife. When she asks nicely and the request is reasonable she gets a friendly cooperative response. 

When the request is not made in a polite, respectful manner or it is a crazy request, I respond as described above. 


QUOTE=Wiltshireman;1442936]I thought I had it under control but Saturday showed me I do not. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I have a few demonds in that "temper closet" and would prefer to nail the door shut. I know that bottling it all up is not the answer hense the post.[/QUOTE]


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Please can I just say a big Thank You to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to post replys.


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