# Is it all my fault?



## woth (May 9, 2011)

My wife and I have been together for 6 yrs and dated for 3yrs.

When we dated she had a surprisingly low high sex drive and she is quite conservative. I overlooked this difference between us since I did not want to make that a deal breaker. I told myself when we get married she will feel more secure and let loose a little more, then I told myself maybe she just needs to reach her sexual peak (which I consider a total myth). 

She said she has only masturbated at the most 10x in her life (she is 38). She never initiates sex, surprises me with sex or comes to me me when she needs me to fulfill her needs. I have never seen her turned on out of the blue. She never approaches me in a horny way, whisper something in my ear, flashes me or shows it with the way she moves, she doesn't tease me etc... We don't even kiss very often at all. I feel like she does not have sexual/intimate needs. When I compare her to past relationships I have had she is drastically different.

When I tell her I am really in the mood and try to seduce her she changes the subject, laughs or down play it or even says how about tomorrow? So I end up having raging hormones in need of spontaneous attention and I have to wait until tomorrow? Because of this scenario for the longest time out of desperation I was forcing myself to masturbate as much as I could in a day just to numb my desire. I am now on antidepressants that have killed my sexual desire (which is very helpful even though I feel I am throwing away my youth). I still crave intimacy and sex even though I am not as horny so to speak.

She always has excuses, when she was pregnant she didn't touch me for well over 9 months. She didn't even offer the slightest compromise for me and it was clear I was basically to stay away. After the kids she was too busy and this has gone on for a large part of our marriage. She avoids me until she has a valid excuse like having her period. She tells me lets do it tomorrow and then the promise is ignored. 

When we do engage in anything it feels like it is simply trying to keep me happy or around (or get pregnant). I know she loves me though. There is the odd time that she is in the mood when we are intimate but that only lasts about five minutes and then her body language is clearly saying "not interested". She puts a lot of pressure on me to have orgasms and be done. I hate the feeling of one sided sex on her schedule. I often go to bed severely frustrated and sad. It feels as if she is clueless to how I feel inside, but we discuss it and I know she isn't unaware she just doesn't seem to relate.

I often see her look at the clock before or during sex and asks me if I can have an orgasm really quick before starting or we could have all the time in the world and she says lets have a quickie aka "lets get this over with". I would love the day when we have a real quickie because we cannot resist each other and are pressed for time. The other day I put the kids to sleep and she said I will have a nap while you do that, but don't wake me up for anything when you lie down.

I have told her I am lonely, I want more intimacy, I want to talk more etc...

I cook, I clean the house, I help a lot with the kids and I tell her she really turns me on, I tell her that I find her body awesome even after having kids... There are things she says she may not like about herself but I find them turn ons and I tell her this, quite often she will change it despite my opinion. I feel like I can't do enough, I feel like there are unrealistic expectations and if I did any thing more it would no longer be sincere and my motives would be wrong. 

I am willing to do anything for her and she knows it and I tell her that I don't expect her to be a "porn star". I don't pressure her to do anything she is uncomfortable with. I let her know that I would be satisfied with a lower frequency of straight up sex if it was mutual.


I feel as if she is not taking her marriage vows seriously and she expects me to be loyal and commitment and she is totally dropping the ball. I would never cheat and I had a few opportunities with girls who I thought were friends and I immediately severed those relationships. 

This is kinda embarrassing but almost every night I have a dream of a female who gives me hugs and laughs and jokes with me and desires me sexually. Sometimes they are what people would consider "unattractive" but I find them beautiful. 

We are open to counseling but have not pursued it. I am lost at this point and feeling further apart. I am a really loving guy and I am doing as much as I feel I can with the material I have to work with. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to seduce a roommate. I know there are two sides to every story but I honestly don't feel there is much more I can do and if there is I will do it. I really crave the feeling of being friends and lovers and having that perfect spark.

Thanks for reading and trying to understand


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's not all your fault. But it is partially your fault. It is your fault for marrying a woman that you did not have a satisfying sex life with.

Go to the men's clubhouse and read the sticky on the man up and nice guy reference. Read the links. Also, read Married Man Sex Life to understand what you can do to improve your situation.

Basically, you can't beg, bargain, or serve your way into more sex. It sounds like you do more around the house than she does. If so, that needs to stop (unless she has a particularly more demanding job than you do). If you act like the help, she will treat you like the help. And you don't have sex with the help.

You need to become more assertive and more manly. Stop asking for sex. It's not sexy. Have you ever seen a sex scene in a movie where the man asks, "Can I have sex with you now, or are you too busy?"

Withdraw from your wife. How can she miss you if you won't go away? Spend time on yourself. Spend time with your own hobbies. Get in the gym. Make yourself more attractive to women in general. Women in the singles market like men who are in shape and well groomed. They don't ask how often you vacuum or which meals you are proficient in preparing. Your wife will likely notice and become more attracted to you.

If you attract some female attention, don't rush to reassure your wife that nothing could possibly ever happen. First, that's not true. You wouldn't be posting if you weren't miserable. If an attractive woman were offering crazy sex any time you want it, you would certainly be tempted and you might act on it. Second, jealousy can be a powerful aphrodisiac. It's called preselection. Women are attracted to men that attract other women. It won't hurt your position with your wife for her to know that other women are, or would, pursue you.

Even if none of this results in more sex from your wife, you will be happier because you will be in better shape with hobbies.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

You guys definitely need counseling and she might want to get her hormone levels checked as well. 

She needs to know just how important this is to you, and that sex/physical affection is what you sign up for when you marry someone.

I really feel for your situation; best of luck to you. My only advice is not to settle or keep overlooking it - you two need to get to the bottom of this yesterday, or it will only get worse.

ETA: I agree about not asking for sex, although it is hard. Sometimes wanting to talk about it can just annoy her and make it worse. You sound like a whiny, needy high school kid and not a sexy and desirable man. That sucks because these things really do need to be talked about. So I've gotten some of my best results when, without a word, just slide down her PJs and start going down her right then and there.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Sometimes I wish I could talk to the wife. *sigh*

Do what the previous posters say.

Also, since your wife has never been horny there could be a component that won't be easily changed. It may be her personality or religious guilt or past abuse or hormones. You just never know.

There are things she can do to help. She needs to start thinking about sex-this will be an effort for her I am sure! She needs to start masturbating-get herself a fun toy because she might be squimish about touching herself down there. She needs to start fantasizing.

Play with her. Make it fun! Chase her, tease, flirt, pounce, wrestle, maul...If you can get her giggling or laughing you are halfway there. 

But, yeah, the fact she was never all that into it means this might be a deeper issue that might take a docor or counselor to get past.


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## woth (May 9, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses, it is very helpful.

PHTlump

I understand what you mean about the marrying someone with out having a satisfying sex life. I seriously just thought it was a security thing. I do not know how people get married without having sex? Not too sure what to say or do about that and I take the blame. I did not see it as serious as it has become since she is a wonderful person in many other ways. 

Good point about the jealousy aphrodisiac idea. I have actually started to lose weight and for my age I am considered an attractive funny guy.. Stepping it up a notch would definitely work.

I also like the idea of withdrawing too.

nader

Thanks for that help. I agree with not asking for sex. However, I have tried everything. Making a move instead asking results in perhaps the most depressing outcome for me. It is hard to explain but it really makes the lack of mutual interest apparent. When I make an unexpected move the body language makes me feel as if I am molesting someone and that does not sit well with me. If the former doesn't happen it results in a real quick feel and then she pulls away as if that was sufficient. I find that making multiple attempts feels too desperate and again like a horny high school kid who can't take no for an answer lol.

She has talked to her doctor and other professionals and they say she is "normal". She also thinks she is normal on some level. I do not know what she is telling them but her sex drive is on the verge of non-existent. Like seriously if she was stranded on a dessert island she would not carve a dildo out of a palm tree over time lol....she could survive with no sex. I even kept private personal log notes to see if I was being unrealistic. The results I saw were disappointing. 

notaname

I have tried what you have suggested. I have encouraged her to fantasize and when I ask her what turns her on she says "I do not know". I do not even know how to turn her on, I am very open minded and I told her I was open to anything..unusual, big or small. To help spark an interest I once bought her a lot of sex toys and outfits and it cost me a small fortune. It was a huge variety and I wrapped them up and said they are all of a sexual nature and you can open them whenever you want, there is no rush or pressure. If you don't like it then move along... this resulted in next to nothing.

I find when I tease laugh or joke it is often taken the wrong way. I now feel like when we are together we are dull, reserved senior citizens and that is not my style. She does get jealous when I talk and joke with other girls and we seem to understand each other. I do feel like I am not fully myself around her.. but I would like to mention that we are a wonderful couple in other ways since I do not want to paint a terrible picture of her.

I also recently bought her a couple thousand of dollars worth of shoes, clothing and accessories to make her feel more beautiful. She liked the stuff a lot but lectured me about being irresponsible. I had the money and wanted to surprise her and show my appreciation. Her enthusiasm was far less than I would expect from a female who received all those gifts. In all honesty they do not remind me of a happy nice gesture they remind me a crappy experience. 

She has two more spontaneous/rebellious siblings. She is the oldest and is night and day compared to them. Perhaps she is just too conservative? I have really desensitized her (in a good way) over the years and she has come out of her shell. But again, I feel unfulfilled but determined to make it work. I am starting to worry that it is a compatibility issue and either we agree to disagree or find another solution.

Thanks again everyone....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree you should try not asking for sex but come to a definite agreement on the frequency of sex and not leave thongs up in the air. On the splinted day, don't ask just take a nice shower, put on a light colgne and shave. 

Then approach her an warm her up. I would not start out by groping or fondling her goddies. Start slowly and work you way from affection to sex. If you need choaching get a book. On the days you do not have sex, be affectionate in a non sexual way. 

I also think you are doing toO much in the hope of getting sex. It does not work. Not doing your fair share doesn't work either. Decide on a fair division of labour and do it because you are two adults living together are responsible for upkeep. 

Don't pander to her - I think you should give as much as you get in a relationship. I don't think this is tit or tat but a way to prevent one person from taking the other for granted. You give more and more and get less and less. Keep the communication going when you pull back let her know. Being honest about your feelings and actions is the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I've talked about this in the Mens Clubhouse but I don't recall my analysis was too welcome when suggesting a woman for any of my 3 boys.

I kinda married the "virginal" type of woman the first time around. I want some ****tyness in any second woman.

I know that means a higher risk of infidelty but I guess I'd rather err on the side of ****tyness. cause it's so awful living with the virgin.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

This just makes me sad. I was like your wife in many ways. I have so many regrets for the wasted years of our marriage. 

You said your wife has talked to her doctors and they said she is normal. The fact is - low desire is a common problem - so I guess that makes it normal to them. But if it is causing a problem in the marriage - then normal doesn't cut it does it?

The other fact is most medical doctors don't even test the individual types of hormone levels, and hormones play a big part in this picture, especially testosterone so how can they say she is normal or not if they have not tested the individual hormone levels. 

Is she on birth control pills? They can cause major problems with a women's desire level. 

If your wife is willing to go to counseling you should do so. ASAP!!! And if I were you I would look for a sex therapist instead of a marriage counselor. It is very much like marriage counseling except the therapist is trained to deal with sexual issues and can give your wife (and you) specific help that you need. I guarantee this problem is the most common one they deal with.

Yes - this could well be a compatibility issue - but there are solutions even for compatibility issues. It is essential that both spouses agree to work together to find them. It is not right nor healthy for a marriage for her to say you only have sex when she wants it and its not right nor healthy for you to say she has to have sex every time you want it. Finding and working out a balance that you BOTH can live with is the key to fixing this. Your needs are just as important as hers. 

However, even if you work out a compromise on how much sex you have - a key ingredient MUST include finding a way to help your wife enjoy the sex you have for the compromise to work. That is why I recommend you find a sex therapist They can help your wife in this area and help both of you work through this and find solutions which have all the ingredients necessary to make for lasting solutions. 

Sex therapists don't only deal with sex - they also deal with communication skills and almost everything else that marriage counselors do. But in addition they have the special training that you are going to need to get help with the sexual issues. You can google ASSECT to find a good one in your area.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

I would NEVER marry a woman where I am not sexually compatible with in the first place. It seems such a fundamental mistake.

Maybe that's why I have never been married? lol


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I agree with the advice here! 

I also think it's important to build trust and intimacy without pressuring her for sex. Approach her for a back rub, put on some music and dance, or just wrap your arm around her while you're watching TV together. Start with these small things, and don't "hope" for sex afterwards. The goal should involve NO sex whatsoever with these actions. She needs to trust you first, and she can't relax and unwind if she's worried you're going to be pressuring her for sex. Gradually, over time, she will become more receptive to touching and physical intimacy. 

Make yourself less available! Take up a new hobby--get out of the house more! Be independent, cheerful, and confident in yourself. She will pick up on these changes, and you will feel even better about yourself, regardless of whether or not the sex issue gets resolved. Forget doing chores as a way to get sex--as a female, I can tell you I'm NOT thinking about the laundry during sex. Asking if she needs "help" with chores is probably the worst thing you could do. Not only does it mean you have to do more chores, but it also means that she's going to be giving you orders as if she's a superior. Be proactive and take initiative when you see things need to get done, but don't make a big deal out of it...after all, no one gets a medal for taking out the trash, and you're a strong, capable man--you can do much tougher things than chores! 

As far as buying her stuff...Maybe gifts aren't her love language (look into this book, the Five Languages of Love, if you haven't--it's pretty basic but has some interesting info about how people express love). Next time, don't buy things for her--but things for the two of you. Don't try to pressure her with a "romantic" weekend getaway--all she'll feel is pressure to have sex--but instead try something fun, like tickets to a theme park, an improv show that involves a lot of audience participation, an art gallery, or something else that's new and exciting. This will help her learn to let loose, and even if she hates it, at least you'll have some fun. If she's more conservative, she might interpret the clothes as a pressure for her to feel sexy when she's not ready. You can't change this by buying more stuff, but you can try other things. 

I'm going to be honest here--if you make these efforts and don't notice any changes in her behavior, you might need to ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life that way. You haven't been married long, and it might be better to cut your losses and regain your independence. Only you can make that choice, but I highly recommend against staying in a marriage "for the kids." It will make you feel bitter, resentful, and anxious at best, and at worst it will turn you into a smug, self-righteous martyr who feels that his kids "owe" him for sticking around. What's more, your kids will pick up on it and have an extremely messed up view of what marriage is supposed to be like. Either you stay in it 100%--not just for the kids, but for YOU--or you leave as civilly as possible.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am done thinking about it. Done trying to figure it out, manage it, ameliorate it, accommodate it, understand it, counsel about it, wonder, despair, anger, frustrate, pine, gloat, yell, cry, nag, complain, snipe, discuss, dialog, hand hold, man up, man down, beg, wheedle, scheme, puzzle, trip out, flip out or lubricate about it.

I am done. Done Done Done Done Done Done Done Done Done over and out DNR smoking hole in the ground dead done.


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## LilandNadsDad (May 10, 2011)

Get her thyroid checked. Simple blood test. May surprise you with the results. Hormone imbalance is easily treated.


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