# Relating to MIL-What worked for me.



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I notice that there are so many threads about dealing with difficult MIL's. It is an age old problem that so many DIL's can relate to.

My MIL in favors me over her other DIL. This is likely because I did not "steal" her favorite son from her-my husband's brother is her golden child. It could also be that I interact with my mother-in-law in a manner which is respectful and loving. Unlike my SIL, I do not mock my MIL or look for reasons to be upset. While I sympathize with my SIL, I think she can be oversensitive and rude to my MIL. 

My MIL is a matriarchal type who is also jealous of her son's wives. She did not receive the attention or doting that her DIL's did and this makes my MIL angry. I will share what worked for me and hopefully it can help the DIL's out:

1.) Remember that your MIL raised a good man for you. She can't be all bad if she raised such a nice son. 

2.) Be respectful when interacting with your MIL. Even when she is rude, be magnanimous and polite. Refrain from sinking to her level if she is swearing or shouting.

3.) Let your husband handle any problems you have with his mother. Blood talks to blood and he knows the best way to discuss issues with his mom.

4.) Do not constantly torment your husband with every little thing his mom does wrong. It gets annoying and it is much better to pick your fights-let some things go and keep the serious discussions for huge issues.

5.) Always be a united front with your husband. No talking about personal marriage problems with either set of parents. Support each other when handling in-law problems.

6.) If parents are too meddling and cantankerous, keep them at an arm's length. At the same time, try to understand that they no longer feel as needed in their adult child's life and the meddlesome behaviour is compensating for that loss.

7.) If the relationship is civil, try to reach out to your MIL. I call mine without having my husband around and we shoot the breeze. My MIL greatly appreciates my warmth and she brags about how what a "wonderful girl" I am. :smthumbup: That woman never lets one of my birthday's pass without a nice card. She has sent care packages as well. 

I realize that these tips are much easier said than done. I am not saying that this is the only or best way to handle MIL's...once again, I am just offering my opinion.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm really taking this advice to heart - thank you so much for this post! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> I'm really taking this advice to heart - thank you so much for this post!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or they could just move like mine did!!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My MIL is fine towards me but I can never forgive what she's done to my husband. From abandoning him as a toddler to move in with AP, to kidnapping him and taking him away from his dad when he was 6 to never see him again until his mid-thirties. Or bringing him to live with a step-father that starved and abused her kids. Or maybe it's that she bad-mouths her son to me (I'm not talking bad about him or confiding in her) or tries to get money from us and her granddaughter. Nope better she lives FAAAAR away!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My MIL lives far away too. It is easier that way.


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## time2heal (Jun 13, 2012)

#7 makes me think of rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, and soft fluffy kittens. 

I'm a lot a bit jealous. 

Then I see your last post. Good fences make good neighbors. Likewise, In-laws that you don't have have to deal with very often, make good In-laws.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The same lesson has been taught to me. For 25 years she never failed to tell me I was her fave in law,period. She kept saying that even in the midst of everything that was going down btwn me and her son. But since the new year she has effectively turned her back on me. She did something that I felt very disrespected by, I brought it to her attention and explained why I felt like that and that was the last communication we had. She just visited DS and his family recently, asked about me and DS just said I was doing fine and come to see them whenever I can, then he dropped the subject.

She's never expressed any amount of regret about what was done or even bothered to explain why she did what she did, just tells everyone that I'm angry at her without further elaboration. All I can say now is "whatever" and go on.

OTOH, I am trying hard to be the kind of MIL that my DIL is happy to have in her life.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

time2heal said:


> #7 makes me think of rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, and soft fluffy kittens.
> 
> I'm a lot a bit jealous.
> 
> Then I see your last post. Good fences make good neighbors. Likewise, In-laws that you don't have have to deal with very often, make good In-laws.


:lol::lol: Funny.
It has not been all rainbows and kittens, believe me.

My MIL has made some nasty comments to my face. I let my husband handle it and she said some very nasty things to him. At least she knew how we felt.

When we stayed in her house the first time, I did not feel relaxed because my MIL complained if we had a nap.  She also said I shouldn't eat cupcakes because I was too fat and needed to walk.

When we visit this summer, we will be staying with my BIL and his wife. I need to be able to eat what I want without being called fat or have a nap without being nagged at.

She would never say that I was her favorite DIL, but my husband told me that I am. I also see a huge difference in the way I am treated vs the way she treats my SIL. My SIL is a sweet and hardworking woman, but that doesn't stop my MIL from hating her. She is also an excellent mother to our niece.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

Has anyone else had MIL issues, not because your husband was the favorite, but because his mother resents him?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My MIL resents both of her children. She has said more than once that she wishes she never had kids, only because her sons stand up for their wives when she is rude and inappropriate.


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## time2heal (Jun 13, 2012)

Face to face my mother in law and I get along fine. I just make sure that face to face thing is as few and far between as possible. What it really comes down to, is the fact that she gets my husband so worked up and upset. I don't like anybody who treats my spouse like that. Even if that person gave birth to him. 

She knows how to push his buttons. And too many of those buttons involve dragging me into things. that's another thing I dislike about her.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> 5.) Always be a united front with your husband. No talking about personal marriage problems with either set of parents. Support each other when handling in-law problems.


We followed this rule and it resulted in my mom feeling distant from my wife. It created more MIL problems but the opposite would have driven me away from my wife.

My brother married first and my mom and SIL were very close. Every little detail in my brother's marriage was relayed to my mom through my SIL. About 5 years into the marriage my brother just left, breaking contact with both STBXW and my parents for several years. They're back talking but my new SIL keeps her distance.

My sister married a few years after me and the exact same dynamic played out, including my sister going dark from STBXH and my parents.

I think it all comes down to my mom trying to be a big time helicopter parent. I wanted none of it, and neither did my wife.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Jimena said:


> Has anyone else had MIL issues, not because your husband was the favorite, but because his mother resents him?


Not because my mother resents me. What my mom resents is that my wife would never let me treat her the way my dad treated my mom. Mom never stood up for herself and let dad walk all over her. She'd pull passive aggressive tactics to no end, but never stood up to him.

My wife has always been _respectful_ in how she disagreed, but she would never let me disregard her wishes.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I thought my MIL and I had a great relationship - until I found out just how two-faced she is. Oh well, her loss!


Unfortunately I've found this out far too late. My mom has brain cancer and even if she survives, her brain is far too damaged to ever go into anything deep and meaningful. 

I didn't find out until my SIL confided in me after my mom was sick. My mom has been talking [email protected] about my wife to my brother and sister. They've bought it all.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> We followed this rule and it resulted in my mom feeling distant from my wife. It created more MIL problems but the opposite would have driven me away from my wife.
> 
> My brother married first and my mom and SIL were very close. Every little detail in my brother's marriage was relayed to my mom through my SIL. About 5 years into the marriage my brother just left, breaking contact with both STBXW and my parents for several years. They're back talking but my new SIL keeps her distance.
> 
> ...


You have to be willing to be unpopular with your parents, if it means that you stand up for your marriage and your wife. Nobody can please everyone.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am sad to see so many people have a strained relationship with their in-laws.

I am pretty close to my MIL. I am eternally grateful to have her in my life, despite some annoying traits that she may have. 

Before children, I tended to nit-pick the things that I found annoying. Yes, she is nosey. Yes, she likes to gossip. Yes, she has a crude sense of humor at times. I was also immature and did not realize that complaining about her would alienate my husband and make him feel bad.

Then we had kids. I desperately needed a support system, and my parents were nowhere to be found. MIL stepped up and became like a mother to me. She treats my children as if they are her own. She is loving, affectionate, caring, patient with them - sometimes moreso than even I can be. She is everything that I needed, like an angel sent into my life. Because - big surprise - my parents are distant and cold to my kids (their grandkids), just like how they raised me. When I watch my MIL with my kids, I feel like I am watching a window of how my husband was raised, and I have so much respect for her and the man that she brought up. 

In hindsight I was being petty and naive for complaining about her, when I should be happy that she's in my life.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Not all women have the experience that you did, so they are not "petty" or "naive" for not wanting to be close to horribly insulting and cold MIL's.

My MIL is very harsh and distant with her only grandchild. It is hard to love a MIL who walks away when told about a new grandchild coming. I feel so much sympathy for my SIL, even though at times she does nitpick. I have it easy because we live far away. 

Your post comes across as rather judgemental of DIL's who have legitimate complaints.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I also have my husband deal with his mom when there is a problem. I also am a source where my husband can vent to me about his parents.

The one thing about my MIL that I have learned is how NOT to be a MIL when my time comes. I have a long (mental) list of things that I will not do, because I know how much those behaviors have hurt me. 

This, to me, is the best way of all of learning from your MIL if she is bad to you - this is what not to do!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have 5 sons, I fully expect that when they marry, I am not going to be in their lives much.... the main woman might have been "MOM" at one time... but it ain't no more- nor will it ever be..... we take a big step DOWN. 

I also very much agree with the saying.... "When you have a daughter , you have her for life, when you have a son, you have him ...till he takes a wife". We loose the daughter too, but generally not as much, many daughters will still stop in for tea & a chat with Mom, call her once a week -even go to a show or out shopping on occasion with dear old MOM- if the relationship was good .... the sons won't be ! We might be lucky to get a phone call once a month. 

Obviosuly what will be MOST IMPORTANT TO ME as a Mother, is that my sons marry well...find a compatible match in a wife with similar life goals...who will love, honor & cherish my boys forever....what they think of me or if we have much in common is not really important at all. I don't expect to be their Pal. Just having a common love & concern for the same man. And a caring to be involved with their children, if they choose to have any...as they are little parts of us running around. This we would enjoy being a part of. 

I am not that close with my own MIL...but she is a lovely lovely woman and I have 0 complaints about her... we just have very little in common....she is a hoarder that likes to talk about crafts & reading mystery novels...these are just not my interests at all... and to visit, there is practically nowhere to sit and I will be darned if I am going to take her out shopping to fill the place up more! So we don't do much together...but yet, there is a "respect" there on both sides....When we need something we help each other out. 

She is far closer with her own 2 daughters & she has a couple friends, I am thankful she has them in her life. I have my place in the family ....as the Hostess for every Holiday...it's always at our house , I cook everything & open our doors to all of them....I know how much she & the rest appreciate this....it keeps us all getting together under the same roof 3 times a year at least. 


We are all on good terms and always have been. They even took me in to live with them before we married, they have always been wonderful to me. I have always viewed his parents as a tremendous blessing in MY life and for raising such a wonderful wonderful son. 

A few months ago, I got all mushy on his mother wanting to say this to her... because I know WE are not all that close (sometimes I feel bad about that), but I wanted to tell her how very Thankful I am that I have her son in my life and I am not sure where I would be today without him in it. I had to stop talking or I would have been balling. I know it meant alot to her. If she died and I never outright said these things, I know I would regret it somehow. 

Thinking of my own future as a MIL x 5..... I will be very upset if I feel a daughter in law is just "putting up with me", this just won't be happening.... If I feel the slightest sense she doesn't like me, I will step back... .. I will let them call me, allow them to decide how much they want us in their lives, I may invite them to things, but I will not "expect". I won't be a beggar. 

It will hurt like hell... but I will never PUSH into my children's lives, only if they want to BE in our lives. I have enough kids so if a few feels it is a hassle to talk to me, then I ain't pushing. Love that is not given freely is worthless anyway. 

I will do my damnest to be looked upon as a cheerful -easy to talk to , considerate and helpful MIL....this is surely my plan....anything less than this, I wouldn't expect them to care to even visit us. Noone "enjoys" burdenous Parents in Laws..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Best thing I ever did was marry a man without a mom or dad.

:woohoo:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Yup! Although most DIL do not have many issues with their FIL. My FIL is jovial and relaxed, a quiet man who loves to laugh. I have no problems with him whatsoever. 

I don't believe that old saying about daughters being daughters forever; most adult daughters are a lot more independent than in the past. My own mother would love it if I would take vacations with her and allow her to make important decisions for us. I just don't feel that closeness or emotional safety. As I grew older, I learned to appreciate certain things about how La Maman raised me, even if she went about it the wrong way. 

Everyone has parents. It just depends how much contact you have with them and even if a spouse is estranged from his/her parents, those crazies can pop up any time unless they are dead.


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