# It has been 10 days...



## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

My wife and I have been going through a difficult time and are currently separated. She left the house on march 13 (ten days ago). We have been married for almost three years and together for seven. We have two dogs but no kids. The dogs have been with us for six years so they are like our children. We have had two miscarriages about 16 months ago. She needed space and said we were co-dependent and she wanted time to "find herself" and wanted me to do the same. We decided to start with a six week separation. I have not been handling it well at all. I did not want this. During the first week I had a few breakdowns and called her and begged her to come home. She said that was a turnoff and makes her want to come home less. She says this separation is hard on her too but she has been hanging out with her family, a co- worker and living her life as if nothing is different. We have decided to continue with marriage counseling during this separation. At our last session the marriage counselor said something about how it is really hard for one partner (me) "when the other partner (my wife) is happier out of the marriage". I have been dwelling on that because my wife has said she still loves me and that I am her best friend and if we got divorced she would be worried that six or twelve months down the road she might realize that wouldve been a huge mistake. The last four to five days I have been making a concerted effort to not initiate contact. It is killing me because I want to call and text and beg her to come home. It has only been ten days but each day is harder than the one before. this is even harder because in two days it will be her birthday. Her family is having a party for herald her mom called me and asked me to come to the party. Her family loves me very much but I think that will be really hard. She told me not to get her a gift but I don't know what to do about that. I need some hope. I feel like my life is on hold until this is resolved. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated....
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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

hard times, words of advice, well, NC as much as possible, no, do not buy a present, concentrate on yourself.

She may seem happy, but I would bet she only hangs with family because that is how she battles lonliness.

10 days seems a long time, but it really isin't in the overall picture.

Find some sort of hobby that you enjoy, and let that take care of the time you now have on your hands.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

There is no OM involved right? I does sound as though she is heartbroken over the 2 miscarriages & that is the cause for all of this. Sometimes when we are hurting we do not lean on each other, and that can be the cause for distance. 

I think you should get her a very thoughtful gift, don't have to spend a lot of money, something very heartfelt. Go to the party as hard as it will be for you. Try to be cheerful & happy. I know, almost impossible right? But you CAN do it. At the very least, got for a short while & then leave.

Small steps. Do not call her/text her. Wait an hour & if you still want to then do it. But remember you need to do what she wants & to become as attractive as you can to her. She has already told you she hates it when you do that to her. So maybe just type the text, read it out loud, pretend you sent it.

God if I could only shut up & take my own advice!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oh, how I can sympathize. Do you think she might be depressed due to the miscarriages? Check out this link and see if you've heard some of these things. Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts - Joseph M. Carver, PhD 

I think the best bet for you would be to do a 180. She definitely still cares for you, she's just at a crossroads. My H recently left due to what I believe is a pretty concrete case of depression mixed with communication issues on both of our parts. He goes back and forth, making me feel hopeful, but usually it's all just pessimism and negativity and him telling me I'm better off without him. 

I say, show up to the party, but not if you can't keep out the sadness. You've got to be the guy she fell in love with, upbeat, happy, conversational, and your focus should not be on her. Let her watch you being happy and chatting with her friends and family. If you can pull it off, go. I think you should get something small for her, heartfelt, that shows you know her because it's meaningful. But do NOT write out a card that pours out how you are feeling. Do NOT beg, plead, reason, or sound pathetic in any way. Keep it brief. Maybe say I love you and I hope things get better. This is SO hard, I struggle with it daily. 

Good luck, and let us know how the party goes.


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

Thanks so much for these replies. Some of it helps. I don't believe there is an OM involved. We agreed to use this time to find ourselves and try to become stronger individuals and not to try and find replacements. part of the 180 is self-control and I admit that I am bad at that. I really have to talk myself out of calling or texting and it takes effort. 

I don't believe this separation has anything to do with the miscarriages. That time was very difficult but I believe she has been at peace with that for a while.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

andy32m said:


> Thanks so much for these replies. Some of it helps. I don't believe there is an OM involved. We agreed to use this time to find ourselves and try to become stronger individuals and not to try and find replacements. part of the 180 is self-control and I admit that I am bad at that. I really have to talk myself out of calling or texting and it takes effort.
> 
> I don't believe this separation has anything to do with the miscarriages. That time was very difficult but I believe she has been at peace with that for a while.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I miscarried Oct. 25th, 2006. I'm still not at peace with it. I've had two healthy sons since. It really can kick the snot out of you. Not saying that's what it is but man it can be tough at times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

andy32m said:


> During the first week I had a few breakdowns and called her and begged her to come home. She said that was a turnoff and makes her want to come home less.


So don't anymore. Don't call or beg or chase her. Give her her time that she needs, her space.

Sometimes an affair is happening when a wayward leaves suddenly like this.

Don't give her gifts, don't coddle her, don't anything. Let her come to you.


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

I hear what you're saying, I really do. But it is hard because I feel like she may be tricking herself into thinking being apart is what she really wants. We have been struggling for about 6 months so she didn't leave suddenly. We had been going to counseling together for that time and the therapist recommended the separation. I am scared and anxious and don't want to lose her and have become consumed with thoughts and it is creating so much anxiety. We are two good people and our marriage problems are not something we can't overcome together but she has so much support in the area. We live in Ohio and she has a large family that all lives in Ohio. My whole family lives in Florida so I have very few people to lean on for support. I guess that is why I am here on this message board. I haven't even told my family that she moved out. She has said we just need to get through this and everything will be okay. I don't know what to think we she said that to me. Are we just going to be separated for 6 weeks and then after that we'll just get back together and everything will be fine? If we get to May 1st and she doesn't want to come back home I feel like I will have to thru all these emotions again.....
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

andy32m said:


> I hear what you're saying, I really do. But it is hard because I feel like she may be tricking herself into thinking being apart is what she really wants.


There is no trickery involved. This is what she wants. She is an adult fully capable of making her own choices. The sooner you can accept that this is HER decision and you have no hand in it, the better for you. 

If she wants to work on the marriage, it will be up to her, not you.

That is why you respectfully give her what she asks for (space).


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

Today is her birthday. I am supposed to see her at 3:30pm. In alot of ways this has been the toughest day yet. I brokedown and texted her "happy birthday" right at midnight. It has been over 9 hours and i haven't gotten a response. I have no clue if she went out and celebrated last night. It was all i could think of and i couldnt sleep. I would be really upset to hear if she did because this all just started 11 days ago and it doesnt seem like the time to be celebrating, but i am sure either her sister or her co-worker took her out. I was driving myself insane imaging what she might be doing. Was she out at a bar drinking and dancing and flirting? I know i have no control over that and i am not going to press for details but i wonder if she missed me at all and if i crossed her mind?

I have a card for her bought haven't bought a gift yet. I was thinking of just getting her a gift card but that seems so impersonal. In past years i have put a lot of thoughts into her birthday, christmas, velentines, etc gifts. I want to send the right message with this but i know i cant go overboard. Maybe a gift card is the right way to go...i dont know. its going to be awkward being surrounded by her family today. They arent the type to keep secrets so i am sure everyone knows what we are going through. My plan is to act normal and try to have a pleasant time. I will be worried what others are thinking...
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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

buy her 1 rose...in your card, tell her the rose symbolizes how perfect and yet fragile love is...don't say I love you...don't say anything else...


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

I really screwed things up. I thought i could handle it and i told myself to go to the party and act normal, charming, etc. I walked into the party and i saw her for the first time in a week. She looked so beautiful. She had new clothes on and she wasn't wearing her wedding rings. Well all my plans of acting normal went out the window. We went outside to talk and i brokedown. I told her i am upset and feel like my life is falling apart. I told her if she came home we could work this out. She said i ruined her birthday and when i act like this it makes her want to come back less. She said she wants more space and that we are talking, texting, and seeing each other too much. She said she hasn't even had one day in the last eleven days to not have to worry about me and allow her time to clear her head and think. She said she can not give me what i want right now. I was devastated. I am lacking severe self control. Later i texted to apologize for ruining her birthday and she didnt respond. I feel like she really hates me now. I dont know what is going to happen and now i am really scared.
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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

just walk away for awhile...she wants space, give it to her...you can't win by trying to keep her close...she has expressed this...grant it!

I know it is tough when someone your life revolves around walks away...you think of her 24/7...but chasing her just pushes her farther away...

Walk away for awhile...work out, become stronger...become independent...you've got to do this anyways, so why not focus on it?...get some counseling...read, run...work on you!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Do not contact her. I know it goes against everything we feel we should do, but if she says she needs space, then give her the space she needs.
When you cry, plead and beg not only is it unattractive but it becomes about you, instead of about her.
And think about it, would you really want her to come back knowing the reason why is because you begged and pleaded?

I know it's hard and it hurts, but you have to be strong.
Don't sit around moping because that won't help either. Go out, try a new hobby, take a class, have coffee with friends.
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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

You are allowed to make mistakes. But you HAVE to pull yourself back right now. She knows you are there waiting for her. She has to see you starting to move on and realize that you might not be there for her to come back to. Make her wonder. I wish I could take my own advice. It isn't easy.


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