# What would you do?



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok, I just got done reading a post by a WS that thinks they shouldn't have to be transparent and should be able to do whatever they damn well feel like no matter how the BS feels about it. Pissed me off and I felt like responding to him, but it wasn't worth it and didn't want to hear his apologists pathetically try to defend his mindset.

The discussion wasn't even about an over bearing BS or expecting them to be on what some would consider house arrest. Just expecting him to not engage in any kind of activities that are not appropriate for a spouse, especially since he had proven he can't be trusted.

So not naming this person, don't try to guess who it is, because I have read that attitude by quite a lot of WSs.

So the question is, even for those BS that are trying to reconcile and will attempt to move mountains to make the marriage work....would you put up with this? And if they refused to be transparent or thought they still should be able to go out and party....would you still stay with them?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Nope


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I suppose also, what would you say to a WS of yours if they told you, in so many words, that you are just going to have to deal with it because they think adhering to boundaries is like living in a police state?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Ok, I just got done reading a post by a WS that thinks they shouldn't have to be transparent and should be able to do whatever they damn well feel like no matter how the BS feels about it. Pissed me off and I felt like responding to him, but it wasn't worth it and didn't want to hear his apologists pathetically try to defend his mindset.
> 
> The discussion wasn't even about an over bearing BS or expecting them to be on what some would consider house arrest. Just expecting him to not engage in any kind of activities that are not appropriate for a spouse, especially since he had proven he can't be trusted.
> 
> ...


Nope. It would be apparent to me that the WS is not vested in the marriage and not willing to do something "uncomfortable" to ease the mind of the BS.

The unwillingness to be transparent in order to save the marriage indicates a lack of remorse and that would be a deal breaker for me.

Actually, it was a deal breaker for me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Ok, I just got done reading a post by a WS that thinks they shouldn't have to be transparent and should be able to do whatever they damn well feel like no matter how the BS feels about it. Pissed me off and I felt like responding to him, but it wasn't worth it and didn't want to hear his apologists pathetically try to defend his mindset.
> 
> The discussion wasn't even about an over bearing BS or expecting them to be on what some would consider house arrest. Just expecting him to not engage in any kind of activities that are not appropriate for a spouse, especially since he had proven he can't be trusted.
> 
> ...


No and no.



vellocet said:


> I suppose also, what would you say to a WS of yours if they told you, in so many words, that you are just going to have to deal with it because they think adhering to boundaries is like living in a police state?


"OK. Go out. Have fun. Do whatever you want and w/ whomever you want. And, while you're at it, you might as well start looking for someplace else to stay.

For good."


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would probably say, "Sure, that's fine."

And then go out and get a girlfriend.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Well, I would be just fine with it now, just so long as they understood that they can do as they please in their life, but so long as they understand that their life is going to be publicly broadcast on every social media network and exposedtoall friends and family that they are cheaters and the D would be filed and the locks changed once they are out the house.

See, I can be amicable and thoughtful towards WSs, never will I stop them doing what they wanted, solong as they no longer do it around me it is just dandy, and as long as they sign up for the deal knowing full well they get exposed to the world then all good :smthumbup:

Only way forth is pre-nup featuring infidelity clauses, cross the line and pay the fine


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I would thank them for showing me who they really are sooner than later. Then they wouldn't even hear the "incoming" before it hit them.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I guess the only heavy lifting this person is going to be doing is moving their [email protected]@@ outta my house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

vellocet said:


> Ok, I just got done reading a post by a WS that thinks they shouldn't have to be transparent and should be able to do whatever they damn well feel like no matter how the BS feels about it. ... The discussion wasn't even about an over bearing BS or expecting them to be on what some would consider house arrest. Just expecting him to not engage in any kind of activities that are not appropriate for a spouse, especially since he had proven he can't be trusted ... So the question is would you put up with this? And if they refused to be transparent or thought they still should be able to go out and party....would you still stay with them?


Shoot I have two possible ways of replying to this. 

First, if that is the mutual agreement they made in the beginning of the marriage, then it's none of my business and they can each do whatever they want. After all, it's their relationship! In other words, even if I personally disagree with it, two consenting adults can do what they want in their own relationship and I don't have to think it's right. 

Second, if you're asking *would I* accept that? HECK NO, and I am a formerly-Disloyal Spouse. The arrangement I have with my Dear Hubby is that both of us get to know each other intimately. That means he gets to completely know the real me, warts and all, and I get to know the real him, warts and all. I hold myself to 100% honesty with him and I expect the same of him. [Now I don't mean that we have to share every thought or feeling instantly, unedited--I just mean that it should be TRUE.]

So if that fella were here arguing he should get to be doing whatever he wants, first I'd check and see if that was the way his vows were written or if that's the agreement he has with his spouse. If he does not (and I'd bet ya money his spouse does not agree) then I'd tell him he's acting like a selfish single person, and that being married NECESSITATES letting your spouse and only your spouse know you intimately, and that include who you're with, what you're doing, where you're going and when you'll be back. Then I'd explain the difference between *privacy *(closing the door to go to the bathroom) and *secrecy *(keeping something hidden from someone who has the right to know or see it). 

Finally...this is probably my pet peeve. If someone wants to be trusted like this, you have to earn it by being honest over a LONG TIME. He has proven by his actions that he is not honest, but is demanding what he has not earned..and WON'T earn by continuing to hide stuff! RRRRR... 

Here's truth in one short sentence: any right he may have had to "do what he damn well pleases" flew RIGHT OUT THE DOOR the day he stepped outside his marriage!!


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

I agree with the others. He should be bending over backwards to gain trust back in the BS. Partying? Let me think about that for a...NO.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

my old lady would have been history. If it wasn't for huge degree of submission towards me she would have been history.

Especially the 1st 6 months or so. Even past six months from d-day transparentcy, accountability, the whole nine yards .....any thing less would have been unacceptable.

Now over 4 yrs from d-day.....I'll still leave the toilet seat up. spank her butt, look at her phone when ever I damb well please, no more GNO, and a few other things I care not to mention

Sorry folks but this new marriage is now a game changer and Mrs. the-guy knows it and excepts it!

I guess she figures I at least know she is alive now....were as before I could of cared a less.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

No would definately not put up with it. My wifes arse would be turfed out on the pavement quicker than she could blink


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

So, why didn't you take this up with him Vell? In the thread, that is. I mean I get posting a new thread and creating a semi-hypothetical question, but usually you're more vocal and not one to pull punches.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Oh, and if I was a betrayed, I'd have a sore foot from kicking his ass out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

In another forum I used to get a lot of this right to privacy is paramount bull. Maybe I'm just too old. I never expected the right to keep any secrets from my wife. Quite frankly many of these young kids think reading your spouses email is a worse betrayal than a physical affair.
MN


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

From my experience only, secrets are like a cancer in a marriage.

Some also confuse secrets with privacy. To me, there is a difference.

If I need a secret phone/email to have secret messaging capabilities to keep my spouse in the dark... WTF. I'm excluding my spouse from part of my life, why?

Privacy on the other hand- personal hygeiene etc. That is a non-issue for me.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Thound said:


> Nope



The simple answers are often the best.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Ok, I just got done reading a post by a WS that thinks they shouldn't have to be transparent and should be able to do whatever they damn well feel like no matter how the BS feels about it. Pissed me off and I felt like responding to him, but it wasn't worth it and didn't want to hear his apologists pathetically try to defend his mindset.
> 
> The discussion wasn't even about an over bearing BS or expecting them to be on what some would consider house arrest. Just expecting him to not engage in any kind of activities that are not appropriate for a spouse, especially since he had proven he can't be trusted.
> 
> ...


Absolutely, positively not.

I am in R with my WS and lovingly moving mountains to help him with his issues and the pre-affair problems in our marriage, but if his attitude was just a little bit like this, it would show a degree of entitlement and lack of remorse so huge, that I would be falling over myself in my haste to kick him to the kerb right where he belonged.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> Oh, and if I was a betrayed, I'd have a sore foot from kicking his ass out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But, but...

Wouldn't you give Dig a chance to reconcile, seeing that he gave you one?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> In another forum I used to get a lot of this right to privacy is paramount bull. Maybe I'm just too old. I never expected the right to keep any secrets from my wife. Quite frankly many of these young kids think reading your spouses email is a worse betrayal than a physical affair.
> MN


This is so very true!!!

But there has been a change in the mentality of society, IMHO it seems as though the younger generations are all more private and secrative about things in general, not just emotional stuff but there seems to be this compartmentalizing of everything, kind of like the organizing of ones brains and there in lies a problem, the fact that they are in control of their own individual aspects allows them to believe that no one else is!!!


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

aug said:


> But, but...
> 
> Wouldn't you give Dig a chance to reconcile, seeing that he gave you one?


Not in that fashion, no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Nope....
No wait...... [email protected] NO


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bottom line is you can't rebuild trust or heal from the betrayal if there's no transparency, so it would be a failed R in which the BS forever suffers in doubt and paranoia or ends the marriage


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

The only time I need total privacy is when I am pooping and I don't take my phone with me


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

its called a backbone, some of us have it some of us had it surgically removed....along with their testicles....it becomes disheartening at times when you try to provide sound advice, and it falls on deaf ears, because they do not have the testicular fortitude to face their fears, to see the guilty party to face their actions. I think i know who you are talking about and to be honest, i refuse to go back to that thread because it hurts to read..


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Oh, and if I was a betrayed, I'd have a sore foot from kicking his ass out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really? Because none of really know how we'd react until happens. 

There's that little amusement park hell ride called the emotional roller coaster that we are force-strapped into. 

Maybe you feel that way now, but before?

Seems that many people secretly harbor the "I can do it to you, but you can't do it to me" ego drive. 

Sorry, but I just don't buy people's hypotheticals anymore.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

What stroke me most was the response to the question: "How do you expect your wife to feel safe with you, if you won't agree to any degree of transparancy?"

Answer: The same way she did before. :scratchhead:

I guess that means: She really shouldn't.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If my WW told me that, I would tell her; "Thank you for being honest about your feelings. I certainly can't control what you do. I understand your need for privacy and having some fun without me around all the time. No need to discuss it further".

Next steps - 180, separate her from the bedroom, visit to attorney to start the D process, separation of finances. Once I got my ducks in a row, THEN I'd have a discussion about separation of marital assets.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> So, why didn't you take this up with him Vell? In the thread, that is. I mean I get posting a new thread and creating a semi-hypothetical question, but usually you're more vocal and not one to pull punches.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because it wasn't worth it and he'd have all the usual apologists jumping in front of him like human shields.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> In another forum I used to get a lot of this right to privacy is paramount bull. Maybe I'm just too old. I never expected the right to keep any secrets from my wife. Quite frankly many of these young kids think reading your spouses email is a worse betrayal than a physical affair.
> MN


Well I'd take offense if a sig other reads through my emails with the intent on finding something when I have been completely faithful and haven't given them any reason to doubt me.

However, if I had cheated on them and I wanted a 2nd chance, you better believe she can check it any time she wants. But never will that be the scenario for me.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I'd never put up with that and WS would be out on their rear so fast I'd have to make a claim for fire on my house insurance.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Really? Because none of really know how we'd react until happens.
> 
> There's that little amusement park hell ride called the emotional roller coaster that we are force-strapped into.
> 
> ...


All I did was answer the title of the thread. A title which IS HYPOTHETICAL. So why in the heck did you wait for me to respond before saying this stuff? Oh, wait. That's right. I'm a wayward
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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