# Hurt an I don't know what to do



## Just Mee (Jun 11, 2013)

I just found out that my wife has had an affair for nine months. I found out by mistake checking our cell phone bill. I saw the same number calling her after I would leave for work. I questioned her about it and told her to cut all contact with this person. I then put a recording device in the car and house to see if she was true to her word, well she wasn't. The recorder I put in the car caught them having a meeting in our car. She actually visited him at his job. I told her that I knew everything, she seemed concerned that I was going to leave but I really don't know what to do. We have 4 children, She gave me a kidney because mine went bad, I just love this woman to death. Somebody help me!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The first thing you need to realize is that there is always more you don't know. Her sex life is like this iceberg (you only see the 10 percent you know about):









First, you need to find out how deep the rot goes, so DNA your kids.

Have her write out a time line of every single interaction from the time she met him until you caught them.

Is the guy married?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Is that the most phallic iceberg picutre known to man?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here.

At this stage you are probably just in shock and you need to make sure you look after yourself and don't put any pressure on yourself in terms of time, or making a decision.

She has given up any right to be with you. Everything from here on in is in your control, becuase you will eventually decide whether or not you can reconcile.

Before that, there is a heck of a lot of pain, anger, bewilderment and ups and downs.

You need to talk to your "wife" and see where she is coming from. How prepared she is to work with you and, vitally, be truthful.

Keep posting updates. It helps.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Find out if the om is married and let his wife/girlfriend know and don't tell your wife. Yes you should DNA your kids at the very least to show what you think of her word.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Just Mee said:


> I just found out that my wife has had an affair for nine months. I found out by mistake checking our cell phone bill. I saw the same number calling her after I would leave for work. I questioned her about it and told her to cut all contact with this person. I then put a recording device in the car and house to see if she was true to her word, well she wasn't. The recorder I put in the car caught them having a meeting in our car. She actually visited him at his job. I told her that I knew everything, *she seemed concerned that I was going **to leave *but I really don't know what to do. We have 4 children, She gave me a kidney because mine went bad, I just love this woman to death. Somebody help me!!



She was concerned? she should be crapping her pants wondering WHEN your going to toss her out and doing everything she can so you don't, read the newbie link at the bottom of my post.


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## Just Mee (Jun 11, 2013)

The other man is married, and his wife contacted me. I gave her the a copy of the recording. She told me what he said and it jives with what my wife told me. She wants to reconcile, but I wonder if its because her life will turn upside down or does she really care. She has not worked in 8 years but she still has certifications to work as a medical assistant.


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## Just Mee (Jun 11, 2013)

To add, I am not perfect. I have talked to females on the phone before behind my wife back but it never got close to physical because that's not something I wanted to do. She tells me it happened because I didn't pay her any attention. She would always tell me what she wanted but I kind of ignored it because of school and work which are very demanding, so I do not have a lot of time alone with my wife. We go on vacation every year for a week just the two of us to get away from everybody.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Did you actually hear a hookup in the car? NEVER do that! always have a friend listen if another man enters the car. (This is for future readers)

Anyway.

Decide IF you can reconcile knowing at least one man has inseminated your woman. This is a question only you can answer.

IF you decide reconcile. Here is a suggested R contract. Make her sign it. Edit IN things. I wouldnt take any out.

Dear Mrs Just Mee. Thinking long and hard I have decided "We" are worth it and am willing to reconcile provided you sign this letter and agree to ALL of the following:
1) Lies will stop NOW! I need a full confession.
2) You give up all passwords phone, email etc.
3) No Girls nights out to clubs, bars, any place with noted numbers of single men on the prowl. You will be home by 11 PM.
4) No unexplained time.
5) There is no time limit nor informational limit to my questions about your affair. "Cant we get over this" DOES NOT EXIST. Understand we men are territorial animals. You let another man mark my territory. This cuts me to my soul. While women think with their hearts, it is different for men, you attacked my heart yes, but also my ego. You have crippled both. Yes your vagina is yours but understand, to a man, once he marries, think of it as a lifetime EXCLUSIVE lease of your vagina. 

Once infidelity happens a million questions swirl through my mind. If they are not answered fully, they will NEVER leave my mind and I cant let go of 'What if' or 'what did'" The answer to the question is no, I can not ever in my life get over it. I can reduce it, reconcile it, think it through but I will never get over it completely. You will not sugarcoat any answer or leave anything out. If he put a dildo up your azz then you will even provide make and model number.
6) You will not be in contact with any men not approved by me. This includes FB, email, IM etc. If you are hit on or contacted by the other man you will IMMEDIATELY call me and if not available then text me the relevant information. Texts do count as they are time stamped. BTW when you do this, you help me increase my trust of you.
7) You will carry your divorce papers around in your purse (they may be in an envelope it is for you to think on, not others to see) and sleep with them under your pillow for a (week, month) This is to remind you of just how close you came to killing our marriage.
8) You understand I can monitor fully, using ANY means *I* DEEM USEFUL to assure my own self that you are being faithful. This is for a LIFETIME, not a week, a month, or a year. I can NEVER get fully past this. Basically it comes down to this: My love for you is greater than the burden I have to carry in monitoring you and please realize this is a multiple year recovery for me. I will NEVER be able to get to 100% trust again and that FVCKING KILLS ME. I already miss that implicit trust I will NEVER IN MY LIFE FEEL AGAIN. This is a PERMANENT LOSS TO ME.
9) You will take a polygraph. Any new info MUST be given before that polygraph. After that all additional information will be construed as lies to deceive me into reconciling you and will be met in divorce court.
10) You will write a no contact letter to all other men.
11) You will write a detailed full x rated version of the entire affair including times, dates, methods, and how you kept me in the dark.

1) Upon full investigation is the story the same? If not start over until you get the truth. Leads likely to D if the story changes alot.
2) Are you a man who can R after another man has been inside your wife? Look to your heart in this one. **The answer may be simply no.** I know I am a man who could never look into my wifes eyes once another man had been inside her. That is MY territory. That being said, you MIGHT be different. If you cant, then finish the D and find wife 2.0 down the road.

3) If you decide to R make her do all the conditions mentioned and sign it. I would add seven more conditions. Upon agreeing you R:

On a poly you get 2 or 3 yes or no questions so... Write down all your questions, even the ones you know and put the answers on that sheet. make your wife review the questions on that sheet (sheets) right before the poly and one of your questions at the ploygraph is this:

Your husband had you look at a sheet of paper with all his questions about your hookup. Did you tell the whole truth on that sheet of paper?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Well, here's an interesting question. Is the price of an affair a kidney?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You both need to be tested for STD's.
If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have been so forgiving and accepting as you?

You seem like a nice guy. Is it possible that your wife knew down deep that if she did get caught you would forgive her anyway so she really would not have anything to lose by having an affair?

I would have a paternity check on all 4 of your children. This will be a wake up call to your wife. Good luck.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Just Mee said:


> The other man is married, and his wife contacted me. I gave her the a copy of the recording. She told me what he said and it jives with what my wife told me.


Could you give us a bit more information? What did the OMW tell you that jibed with what your WW said?


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

You are off to a running start. You found out and exposed right away to the OMW with proof. Good job. 

Your wife and OM may be in "cahoots" as to what you found and minimize it to just the proof you found. If you gather more concrete evidence (because sadly, a 9 month affair will have much more to it...sex, hotels, restaurant recipts) by going through her personal belongings..check the closets, drawers, etc....photos if they exist.....you may want to pass that along to the OMW. Now you have two sets of eyes watching this.

Good luck. You are in the shock stage right now...but try to follow weightlifter and bryanp's advice above.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Do know that they more than likely have planned their story to jive so that they can minimize the damage and make it seem less than it is. My wife did this, but the OMW and I both knew better and through a little common sense the stories broke in detail within seconds. He said, she said, took over and the revealed truth was now a blur!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Sorry you are here. It's a club no one wants to join.

Don't make any decisions now. The next few months are going to be tough. You'll probably veer from wanting R to wanting to D and back again a number of times.

There'll be plenty of men along soon enough to give you some tough but excellent advice, but DON'T SHOW WEAKNESS.

Don't let her see how desperate you are to stay married, even if you are. In order to save your marriage, you have to be prepared to lose it. It's up to you whether you decide to take her back, not up to her as to whether she wants you or not.

If she gives you any BSh*t about needing time to decide if she wants him or you - it's over. See her in court.

Oh, and she will only admit what you can prove. There'll be more.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this 

Sorry man. Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, the potential scenarios if things go south.
Tell her you need to evaluate this blow, to evaluate her, the affair, the false R... tell her you will take a time but you will file for divorce ASAP if a few basic boundaires are not met immediately:

Make her send a NC letter to MOM. And make her accept a "NC agreement" about how to deal with MOM from now on.
Demand from her complete transsparence in comunication devices and whereabouts from now on.
Demand an STD test.
Demand from her a complete disclosure of the affair, and any other marital transgressions if any, to your entire satisfaction.
Demand from her to disclose who knew about it and to get rid of toxic friends, enablers or cheerleaders.
Demand her to get rid of clothes, gifts, mementoes, whatever is tainted by the cheaters.
__ insert here whetever reasonable demand you require in order to stop you from filing for divorce tomorrow morning (IC, MC, books, self exposure, getting a job...?, ask us).

If those basic requierements are met then you have time to evaluate her ownership, her remorse, her willingless to help you heal, her commitment to you and the marriage. Take a look to the 180 and taylor it in order to detach a little and think with more clarity. Keep snooping, even more seriously from now on to monitor if she's serious about "working on the marriage".
Tell her the ball is in her court, she's the one to fix this if she wants it. There's tons of advice and support for people who screwed up their marriages with infidelity.
Tell her you require complete honesty and that's she's free to go to MOM or another one if that's what she want.
If you take the MC route best test him/her first with a few questions on how to fix this after infidelity, who's to blame, if they know "not just friends" (a must read, for you both)...

I'm sorry man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would be tempted to say "You have torn my heart out. Why not take your kidney back at the same time?"

Ask her if the fact that she gave you her kidney justifies her affair? 

Get std tests and have your children dna tested.
This is not to test paternity, it is to send a message to your wife that you can trust nothing she ever did or said during your entire marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Just Mee said:


> To add, I am not perfect. I have talked to females on the phone before behind my wife back but it never got close to physical because that's not something I wanted to do. *She tells me it happened because I didn't pay her any attention.* She would always tell me what she wanted but I kind of ignored it because of school and work which are very demanding, so I do not have a lot of time alone with my wife. We go on vacation every year for a week just the two of us to get away from everybody.


She can tell you anything about why she cheated but it's all lies, unless she tells you she cheated because she decided to.

She cheated because she has no morals. Because she does not respect marriage and - crucially - does not respect you or your children.

Get hold of The Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol, but in the meantime do not accept that lame attempt to shift blame for her decisions and actions to you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Just Mee,

Do not accept ANY blame for her crappy choices. The decision to cheat was 100% hers.

I'm sure you had some things you weren't exactly excited about with her either. EVERY couple has these types of gripes. No one is perfect so of course partners will nearly always have something that makes them grind their teeth a little.

But the point of marriage is a promise to be there for each other IN SPITE of this as well as the problems/dilemmas life bombards us with.

Did you go out and screw around? Of course not because you knew it was a betrayal. 

She chose not to follow the same path. That is on her.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> The first thing you need to realize is that there is always more you don't know. Her sex life is like this iceberg (you only see the 10 percent you know about):
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This has to be the funniest picture EVER posted to illustrate the point.

Sorry you are here. 

Please know that what you are reading is dead on accurate.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Tasorundo said:


> Is that the most phallic iceberg picutre known to man?


Well, now that you mention it...


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

Just Mee said:


> She gave me a kidney because mine went bad, I just love this woman to death. Somebody help me!!


There was a precedent setting case about that recently.

One of the divorcing spouses wanted their kidney back- would have likely resulted in death of the receiving spouse.

Luckily they lost that one. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/08/divorcing-man-wants-kidne_n_156197.html


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## Just Mee (Jun 11, 2013)

After questioning my wife some more, I found out that they had sex in hotels and in his car. Everyday it seems like more comes out. She said she has told me everything and that she called him to let him know to never call her again or they both would get hurt. I told her I would test the children and she broke down. Should I involve my children they are 15,12, 8,7. Even if the results were not in my favor I don't know if I could stop loving and taking care of them. Just confused.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Just Mee said:


> After questioning my wife some more, I found out that they had sex in hotels and in his car. Everyday it seems like more comes out. She said she has told me everything and that she called him to let him know to never call her again or they both would get hurt. I told her I would test the children and she broke down. Should I involve my children they are 15,12, 8,7. Even if the results were not in my favor I don't know if I could stop loving and taking care of them. Just confused.


You can probably test them without alerting to what is going on. They're "your" kids, but you need to know if you they're biologically yours for two reasons: (i) it will help you to begin to verify how deep your wife's infidelity reaches (was this the first of many affairs?) and (ii) it imposes a consequence (if small) on your wife. If you ultimately decide to attempt to R, there need to be real consequences for her. Not just that you got really mad or sad. She needs to see and experience the devastation she has wrought.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Just Mee said:


> After questioning my wife some more, I found out that they had sex in hotels and in his car. Everyday it seems like more comes out. She said she has told me everything and that she called him to let him know to never call her again or they both would get hurt. I told her I would test the children and she broke down. Should I involve my children they are 15,12, 8,7. Even if the results were not in my favor I don't know if I could stop loving and taking care of them. Just confused.


Keep questioning her.

Did they have safe sex???

How long has it really been going on for?

How did they meet?

I think you need to get tested before the kids.

And if she gave you a kidney why on earth would you be talking to OW???????

I think you both have issues to deal with.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Keep questioning her.
> 
> Did they have safe sex???
> 
> ...


I'll save him the trouble:

Did they have safe sex???

*No*

How long has it really been going on for?

*Several years*

How did they meet?

*Ok, he has to ask this but, really, it is one of hundreds of others he could ask.*

I think you need to get tested before the kids.

*I will guarantee he is not his own father *

And if she gave you a kidney why on earth would you be talking to OW???????

*Nothing to do with this issue.*


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Just Mee said:


> After questioning my wife some more, I found out that they had sex in hotels and in his car. Everyday it seems like more comes out. She said she has told me everything and that she called him to let him know to never call her again or they both would get hurt. I told her I would test the children and she broke down. Should I involve my children they are 15,12, 8,7. Even if the results were not in my favor I don't know if I could stop loving and taking care of them. Just confused.


Just Mee, this is "trickle truth".

A truly remorseful spouse will realise fairly early on that it's a Bad Idea. I was still finding things out 10 months after I discovered the affair and I have given up trying to figure any more - but that is why our reconciliation failed.

You will find much, much, more out and it will hurt like Hell.

Only you can decide about your children, but whether they are biologically yours (and I bet they are) or not surely doesn't matter to your relationship with them?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Just Mee said:


> After questioning my wife some more, I found out that they had sex in hotels and in his car. Everyday it seems like more comes out. She said she has told me everything and that she called him to let him know to never call her again or they both would get hurt. I told her I would test the children and she broke down. Should I involve my children they are 15,12, 8,7. Even if the results were not in my favor I don't know if I could stop loving and taking care of them. Just confused.


Use 23 and Me. It's not really a paternity test, but it's cheap, can be explained as being done for family history purposes (fun) and you and all the kids should have the same paternal haplogroup (same as yours). If they don't? Then you know.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Just Mee said:


> Even if the results were not in my favor I don't know if I could stop loving and taking care of them. Just confused.


You can *choose* to still support them even if they aren't your kids. However, you do not want to be paying court-ordered gun-barrel enforced CS on kids that you did not father. Understand? Your WW might move OM into your home and you would be paying her big cash to support her BF. Is that what you want?


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