# Opinions on if this marriage is even worth saving?



## invertedrose (Jul 28, 2012)

Ok,
So this is not a brief nor simple story to tell, just like many other infidelity stories. My husband and I met when we were in high school, I was 16 he was 17. During our courtship, I was a virgin and very wary about who I was going to lose my virginity to. I had a friend who was promiscuous, and tempted my bf, and succeeded. I did not find out about this until after we had intercourse. I dismissed it as him being a kid, which we both were, and moved on. However, he joined the Navy and the distance really placed a burden on our relationship, we both ended up cheating once more and decided to forgive and move on. 

Fast forward to marriage... Shortly after we were married, I became pregnant. I fell very ill, had severe preeclampsia, spotting, extreme vomiting, pretty much every ailment that a pregnant woman could have, I had, and I was very *****y. Our relationship was not going well, as I was a home maker, but once I got pregnant I just did not have the energy to do anything (I probably could have if I really wanted to, but I just felt like total crap and was always in and out of emergency rooms) and we argued constantly because of it, so I thought it would be best for me to stay with my parents for a bit, just to give us a "break" and this way someone could help care for me, as my husband could not because he worked during the day. 

The same month, his finances went downhill. His car was repossessed, then shortly after, he could no longer afford the apartment because he had spent a lot of money on buying things to apparently "make up for the hurt of you leaving". So, I stayed with my parents, and I tried to keep this LDR working. One night, 8 months pregnant, I noticed that he was not picking up his phone, so I looked through his phone records and noticed this phone number that he had been vividly texting and calling. I called up the number and asked "Hello, I'm wondering if you know where my husband may be? You're talking to him quite a bit so I'd imagine you would know..." and the woman was dumbfounded. She stated that she was on a date with a man who had told her he was single and had no wife or baby on the way. 

Then, my husband grabs her phone and asks..
"who are you?"
"It's me, your wife... you don't remember me? You don't remember the sonograms we just saw of our baby when you came down to see me not even a week ago?"
"I have no wife or son on the way, you are just a crazy *****" he replied, and hung up. The woman called me up and apologized, saying she was cheated on when she was pregnant and did not believe him one bit. Of course, once she dropped him off, he called me and was apologetic. 

Fast forward six months, and he's being discharged from the NAVY for failure to maintain weight. He moves down here, my parents kind enough to offer housing and help him find a job, but lo and behold, I go through his emails and for nearly two months he's been responding to sex ads on craigslist. He claims that they were never pursued, but these are claims, and I am stunned, heartbroken. I tell him to leave the house, I don't know what to do. He leaves, but since he has no funds because of his spending problem, he claims he is frustrated and suicidal, so I encourage him to seek solace and help in a psych ward. He admits himself, and they diagnose him with an abandonment disorder with possible bipolar disorder (confusing diagnosis, I know) and all he says is how he wants to start the relationship from scratch and work things out.

Do you think there's anything even left to work out? I honestly do love him and would do anything to help him, but I also have self esteem issues from all the cheating, so some advice to clear my head would be beneficial. Please keep it kind though, my heart is already in a fragile state  I do very so much appreciate any help, thank you in advance!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he has bipolar disorder you are in for a rollercoaster ride of a life.... you know the kind of life you have had with him so far.

I went through a pregnancy similar to yours. It's hell. You needed to be taken care of and this is what he does.

I'm a huge advocate of marriage and working not giving up too easily. But when there are certain types of situations it's better to move on... repreated adultry, abuse, drug addiction, mental illness (bi-polar) being among them.

You are young... I really do not think that your marriage has a chance.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry for you. Have you had the baby or did you lose your child? If there is no child, I would cut bait and run. I think I would still probably dump this loser if you have a child together. I don't think you have a chance here.,

Sorry you are in this place. Hugs to you...


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## invertedrose (Jul 28, 2012)

Hi there,
Fortunately, I was able to carry the baby to full term, and he is a happy, healthy baby  I truly appreciate both of your suggestions, thanks so much. It truly helps me see things in a normal perspective.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

invertedrose said:


> Hi there,
> Fortunately, I was able to carry the baby to full term, and he is a happy, healthy baby  I truly appreciate both of your suggestions, thanks so much. It truly helps me see things in a normal perspective.


I'm glad to hear that you now have a healthy, happy little boy!!!

Often mental illness does not start to show until after the teen years. Our brains do not even finish maturing until we are 26. It's one reason why waiting to marry until after that age is advisable.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You can not make a decision about having a relationship with him until he reaches baseline with medication and therapy. That could take anywhere from one to three years. if you are willing to be in limbo for that long, then yes, you might be able to have a relationship with him.

His mental health needs must be addressed in a meaningful way before any type of work can be done on your relationship. If he is willing to go to individual counseling twice a week, and sees a psychiatrist to begin exploring what combination of meds will be most effective for his brain chemistry, then you can start having the conversation with him about relationship. Until he demonstrates the desire to get to a better mental health level, you should avoid dealing with him on the relationship front.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I agree with Paladin.


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